# Well.....



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My H today has told me he wants a divorce, the first time he's told me, not in a row. He said that I had made every effort with him and he's done nothing so what does that tell me?..

I feel like my heart is breaking all over again, as his behaviour over the past few days has been quite positive... 

The screwed up thing is, he still wants to come over and have dinner with me on Friday and curl up and watch tv...errrm how about no....Cake...eating... FFS!

So now I need to put my 'Go F yourself' head on and live for me and the kids, I don't want a divorce, I want to work on my marriage... he wanted me to file for divorce as it would be over faster... I've said NO!

But it's Plan B now, all the way, I'm not sending him anything, I am not replying to anything, I am not answering any calls... I am not telling him anything, where I am, what I am doing. 

I know it's going to be hard, but I have to do it.

Please can someone give me some advice, and a virtual hug, I was willing to work on our marriage when he was the one who shat on it from a great height... I was the one being all positive, I was the one pepping his ego.. telling him I still loved him... like a mug, trying to plan a him... I've been played like a fiddle.

Affaircare, Eli-zor, I am sorry I didn't listen sooner.

I've clearly been a fool and he's been dangling that carrot in front of me, then whipping it away, when I feel like things are going well... I am so stupid.

I am so hurt and angry at the moment. He hasn't even called his children to say goodnight. 

How do I do this?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

AmImad said:


> But it's Plan B now, all the way, I'm not sending him anything, I am not replying to anything, I am not answering any calls... I am not telling him anything, where I am, what I am doing.


I think you should do all you listed above, and in addition to not telling him where you are/what you are doing, make plans to get out and do some things that you enjoy, for you 

(((((hugs)))))


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm truly sorry for your pain.

Be the phoenix. It's just a matter of will. Find it. It's buried in the pain you have been given.

<<< hugs >>>


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Never say never. Hang in there..

Starting now:-

Get hold of the CSA and secure your financial future.

Find a lawyer someone who is as tough as nails, you must ensure the maximum financial security for yourself and your children. You do not play nice, he is not being nice to you. All you do is be fair , not his translation of fair the laws translation of fair. 

Nominate an intermediary (IM), not his family or yours, someone who will stand up to your husband. Their job is to filter ALL communication from your husband. 

Create a childcare schedule, he has children its time he took care of them ruin his single man image, he does not see you when he picks up and drops the children off, this is done at a neutral venue.

Cancel the Friday invite and lock the house up, take the children out if you have to. Send him one text only..."Friday is canceled-do not come around again unless you are invited to."

The sooner you start the sooner you find yourself in a better position.

STOP engaging in any conversation with him, this is your weak link you can't help yourself.

DO NOT tell him what you are doing , nor do you confide in anyone else. 

Once the IM is in place we can post a plan B letter for you to send to your husband, it will outline the guidelines to him. 

There is still a long way to go, do not despair, keep a clear head and be calm.

As for exposure, I am not convinced you did adequate exposure on his side, he is way to comfortable with what he has done. If he has facebook and you can see his friends list, get hold of all the contact names and copy them all into word, do not do anything until you have guidance from us.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

I'm so sorry for for your pain, It is his lost. A very big virtual hug to you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

What Eli-zor has suggested is good so I don't think I'll add any to that. For today do two things: 1) Buy some lotion tissue/kleenex and some soup. If you cry a lot and do not use tissue with lotion in it, you will chap your eyelids and nose and the salt of the tears will sting worse. And if you can not choke food down, but you have your cancer to deal with and your children, you need nutrition. Soup is liquid-ish and warm, so at times when you just can not swallow for the lump in your throat...make soup. 2) Make a list of the things you need to do/want to get done. If you work on the list you'll feel like you got something accomplished and yet you can save those tasks for another day. But...you will be somewhat organized and have a list at least. 

Other than that, AmImad, I'm only going to say one thing:


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

 hang in there!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you all, 

I am just so utterly confused, he had sent me a txt earlier in the day saying he was really looking forward to seeing me on Friday.. He was jealous that I got flowers and a card.. if he feels nothing then why? Why still expect to spend time together curled up on the sofa with me??

Our male friend, seems to think that he's doing this to get a reaction, because someone else has shown interest in me and he thinks that if he says he wants a divorce, I am going to be begging him not too, (My H is very controlling) ut all I said is "If that's what you want you see a solicitor" I was very calm and controlled, although I cried like a baby after I got off the phone.

So with me just ignoring him, it'll either drive him insane that he doesn't know what I am doing and who with.. and he'll think Sh*t what am I doing or he just wont bother, in any case, I'll have been moving forward without him.

I just don't know what to do with myself, I don't want to get divorced, I want my life back, I want my daughter to stop crying every time he goes, I want support to help me deal with my treatment, I want that man back that I fell in love with.

I keep going through anger and hurt, I cry and cry, but then think of all he's done to us, and the anger comes. 

I just feel so sick.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My H's good friend called me last night, and confused me some more... He's told me my H is full of crap, that he doesn't want a divorce, he thinks he's doing all of this because he's losing control, everything that has happened recently has been me doing it for myself, my H hasn't really had much say in anything. He has said in his opinion & knowing my H as well as he does, it has to be my H's way or not at all. So by him telling me he wants a Divorce, was meant to shock me into wanting him & begging him to come back..I said I didn't understand as I've said I want him home... His friend said, of course he wouldn't come home, coz I've let him home.. It's not his control... Basically H is playing mind games... He said he didn't miss me etc.. His friend said of course he's going to say that.. He's not going to tell me the truth... But it all hurting so much.. Why do that!?

His friends opinion is that I should, be cold consistently, don't tell him anything etc, that it'll really grate on my H, he said knowing my H it will take him a while (because he's stubborn) before he says anything, but he eventually will. Because he won't be able to stand it..

Opinions? I'm planning on no contact, I was going to tell my H that I'm not talking to him, just going to do it..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

hey AmIMad. This is one thought that might help you:

'While I am with HIM, I can't be in THE relationship that I deserve'.

i.e. you could think that there is ANOTHER man (or woman, whatever you're into) out there who is PERFECT for you, treats you right, loves you...they're somewhere in your future. But they can't come into your life while all this old bad energy of the husband who doesn't treat you well is around! So that's partly why you're staying strong...'cause the sooner you get him OUT, the sooner you can have the partner - and the life - you deserve!!

This is just a thought that could help when you're feeling weak.
I also advocate taking up a martial art to get you back in touch with your body strength and energy and ground you. You need to know how strong you are right now.

AND MANY THOUSAND OF VIRTUAL HUGS ALSO!

XENA (Warrior Princess and Butt-Kicker)


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I said what you should do , have you followed through any of the items. Stop sitting on the fence and hoping for the best, the only way this turns around is if you take pragmatic steps. Furthermore do not share your plan with anyone else, I know you want to talk to someone, sharing thoughts with a male friend is not an option
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> I said what you should do , have you followed through any of the items. Stop sitting on the fence and hoping for the best, the only way this turns around is if you take pragmatic steps. Furthermore do not share your plan with anyone else, I know you want to talk to someone, sharing thoughts with a male friend is not an option
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I have.

It's hard not to hope for the best, I still love my husband, and things aren't adding up properly for me and causing me confusion and hurt. I am trying to deal with this the best I can. You can't help who you love.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AmImad said:


> You can't help who you love.


I'm sorry, I'm calling Bulls*t. 

Love is an action. You are responsible for your actions. Own it.

If your going to come out the other side of this, you had better change your thinking. Right now. 

This is not easy, obviously. There will be a million feelings that get in the way of action, NONE of them are love. Insecurity, fear, loneliness, despair, uncertainty, etc, etc, etc... All of these feelings and thoughts will serve to give you an excuse not to act. They are just distractions and rationalizations for not making difficult choices and moving forward.

“The lazy one says: there is a lion outside, I can’t go out” (Proverbs 22:13).

Our excuses and fears are not realities unless we attribute power to them. The power you are granting to these fears and feelings in your head is sent there by your desire to avoid more pain at all costs.

IMO..

The reason you haven't done the things suggested to you has nothing to do with Love. 

You know what you have to do. The plan Eli-Zor and many of the other people here have offered you, works. It is a solution. It is a map to the other side of this. You still may not make it, the road is trecherous and there are no guarantees. But you have a map. Just need to believe it gives you the best chance possible and have the courage to follow it.

This is a tough, tough road and I'm so sorry your on it. I'm praying for strength for you and your family.

If I knew you & you were standing here, this would be the part where I give you a big hug, look in your eyes sternly and tell you "enough!".. "Now go!"

I'd also offer this poem...

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” 

~Dr. Seuss 

;-) :thumbsup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you, for your message, what you're saying does make sense, it took a few reads for it to really sink in. The thing is, I know that I love him, I have tried to turn it off, I am not scared of being on my own, Heck, I have breast cancer and 3 children and I still have a very lovely man interested in me..so I can't be that bad huh? hehe But I still want my husband, I married him because I loved him, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, grow old with him and.. after everything, I do still want that, is that just because I fear not being with him and having to make that choice?

I have put into practice what I have been told, I have severed contact now, booked an appt with a solicitor now etc... But why can't I hope for the best? I would do pretty much anything to save my marriage, for my H to be home every day, tucking our children in every night, waking up with me, I could go on and on... I loved these aspects of my life with my H.

I keep thinking if this was my friends life, I would be telling her to get rid of him, he's playing with her emotions, playing with her head... But why can't I take my own advice?!

I am an attractive (so i've been told) intelligent, 30 year old woman, I am a good mum, I work hard to do the best for my children they are amazing little people, I have radio therapy every day, come home cook and clean, make sure the children want for nothing and make them feel loved, I deal with whatever life throws at me every single day... Yet being without my H, that's what breaks me.. I just don't understand it, he's not here offering support, he's not coming to help me with the children, he see's them once maybe twice a week, I mean he doesn't even ask me how I am feeling now.. Why would I waste my time and energy for someone who treats me like that... That I can't understand... someone who has been with me since we were 15 and in 3.5months, he has just stopped caring.. how can that be?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AmImad said:


> The thing is, I know that I love him, I have tried to turn it off, I am not scared of being on my own,
> 
> I still want my husband, I married him because I loved him, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, grow old with him and.. after everything, I do still want that.


I know that you love him too. I don’t doubt that for a second. You said “You can’t help who you love”… I called bullsh*t beacuse the verbiage you used “can’t help”, somehow implies it’s out of your control. You may not be able to “turn off” the fact that you love him, but you can control how you love him. Commit to making the hard choice and sticking to PLAN B. Because you love him!. That is the action that best gives both of you the best & healthiest opportunity to make it through this. That is the most loving thing that you can do for him. 



AmImad said:


> is that just because I fear not being with him and having to make that choice?


I’m sure that plays some part in it. That’s only natural. 



AmImad said:


> But why can't I hope for the best? I would do pretty much anything to save my marriage.


You can hope, you should hope. But hope is passive. To hope is to wish or desire a certain outcome. You said you would do anything to save your marriage? Stop hoping and start acting. Acting/Action is proactive. You want to save your marriage? Stop reacting and hoping. Start acting. He is controlling and likely very manipulative, he will not let that go of “controlling the outcome” easily. I suspect he will pull out all the stops, which from what is sounds like, he has begun to do. 

You have to have a stronger will in this fight. Don’t doubt two things when your forced to examine your resolve when things get tough. 1. He is wrong and he knows it. 2. You are doing what is best, your motivation and intentions are pure. Even if he attacks and tries to break your methods, (which he will). STICK TO THE PLAN, Be the HERO. Whether you know it right now or not, you are being very heroic. While I don’t know you personally, I am proud of you and You should be proud of yourself. 



AmImad said:


> I keep thinking if this was my friends life, I would be telling her to get rid of him, he's playing with her emotions, playing with her head... But why can't I take my own advice?!


Fear.



AmImad said:


> being without my H, that's what breaks me.. I just don't understand it… I can't understand... someone who has been with me since we were 15 and in 3.5months, he has just stopped caring.. how can that be?


I don’t know. I don’t know your H, I have no idea what’s making him do the things he’s doing. That’s not worth wasting time thinking about right now. 

It doesn’t matter “how” it can be. IT IS. The real question is what are you going to do about it? Hope or act ?

Last thing....

Please read your own signature...



AmIMad said:



> *It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.*


Now go finish what you started.


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## cutecarrie09 (Feb 15, 2011)

I know you love him. That's what is so hard. Letting go is the hardest part. It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want anyone else to be with you either. Meanwhile he is stringing you along. Cut him off! Make HIM suffer a little bit. Only two things can happen. He will either move on without you or he will come back and maybe really try to work it out. In the mean time you need to get dressed up and go out with some friends or do something nice for yourself. Just have a little girl time or something. It might make you feel good. You don't have to give up just make him show you he wants to work on it too. If it doesn't work out in the end then it's probably not meant to be. At least you know it's not for your lack of trying. Good luck!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I know that you love him too. I don’t doubt that for a second. You said “You can’t help who you love”… I called bullsh*t beacuse the verbiage you used “can’t help”, somehow implies it’s out of your control. You may not be able to “turn off” the fact that you love him, but you can control how you love him. Commit to making the hard choice and sticking to PLAN B. Because you love him!. That is the action that best gives both of you the best & healthiest opportunity to make it through this. That is the most loving thing that you can do for him.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I actually cried over this. I know what people have been telling me to do is right, but I am scared it isn't. But what choice do I have? It does make sense. I want to be stronger. I should be stronger.... I WILL be stronger. 

Right now, he doesn't seem bothered at all, I think he still thinks he can have his cake and eat it, that he can still come over tomorrow night, and spend time with me... But he can't I don't want him, not this man he is now. Plan B will either go one way or the other.. but I am all out of options now, he doesn't want me, this is the next step... the only step.. I can't carry on as I was. 

He has confused me, strung me along, yesterday he said he was looking forward to seeing me, an hour later, he says he wants a divorce... he called to say good night to the children, then spoke to me, telling me he was out in London for the night, with friends from work.. rubbing in his 'single life' 
I need to do the same..It really does hurt that this man, told me we'd get through my illness together, he'd be there for me.. Now he doesn't even ask how I am feeling.. 

It all makes sense..it's just putting it into practice. The magic wand to fix it all doesn't exist.

I don't know if he'll wake up when he realises that I am not running after him, talking, texting etc... he may just think "Finally she's given up" 

This is my one last chance... I want my marriage, I was frightened he'd think I'd given up and I wasn't interested in saving us.. But because I want to save us, I have to see.. I HAVE to do this...

One of my favourites...

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
— Dr. Seuss 

Thank you x


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Should I be letting him know that I want no contact, or should I just let him wonder, why the hell I am not chasing him or texting him?

He knows I love him, and 3 days ago, I said when you're ready to give me 100% I am here... I've apologised for my part, listed things etc.. So I really don't feel the need to tell him again.

Maybe I should just leave it and hope he notices.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Let him stew. No contact. Nothing.

Let him go and enjoy being a single man and he can stand at a bar or night club eying up some skirt wondering what you are up to. Let him re-inforce it all by himself. A rat? Mr Niceguy? 
He knows what he's made of and it aint good.

Start protecting yourself and the kids. Make sure when he is enjoying his single man lifestyle that he isn't spending money meant for his sick wife and abandoned kids.

Get smart. Freeze him out now. Pandering to his selfish al about me wants is likely to make him think the meaner he is to you, the nicer you are towards him. It doesn't work.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Should I be letting him know that I want no contact, or should I just let him wonder, why the hell I am not chasing him or texting him?
> 
> He knows I love him, and 3 days ago, I said when you're ready to give me 100% I am here... I've apologised for my part, listed things etc.. So I really don't feel the need to tell him again.
> 
> Maybe I should just leave it and hope he notices.


You know...you are an interesting and unique person, AmImad. USUALLY (like 9 times out of 10) I recommend to people that before they go into Consequences/Plan B, they send one last letter to accept responsibility for their side of the problems, to indicate that the spouse's behavior has been too painful for them, and to give ONE LAST TIME the things that would be required to repair the relationship (No Contact with any other person, Transparency, and Commitment). 

BUT IN YOUR CASE I'm going to make an exception. 

In your case, you are addicted to contacting your spouse. You contact him as you say "I'm in Day 2 of no contact" and you call him to tell him you're not contacting him!  Then you text him about how bad you feel not contacting him and invite him over so you can cook him dinner, cuddle and TELL him how much no contact hurts!   So in your specific case I'm going to suggest two things:

1) Go through withdrawal first. As I understand it, you have made it clear to him that he is NOT invited over Friday, right? And you have plans to take your kids and be *Gone* so that when he shows up to try to "convince" you to let him in, you won't even be there. That way he won't be able to hurt you, confuse you, and talk his way into getting "his way." 

If that's true, before you proceed with any plan, I would suggest that YOU take the time to actually get through "No Contact" with him and go through the pain of withdrawal from him. Right now you are sooooooo entangled with him, that every second you come up with some "reason" why you have to contact, call, text, or email him, and you simply HAVE TO tough it out for a couple days and break that addiction. So for now, I would not recommend that you tell him anything. 

He said he wants a divorce; he said it out loud. Fine. You have no reason to "be nice" to him particularly so leave him alone for now, and think of yourself. I want you to get through at least THREE CONSECUTIVE DAYS (72 hours) when you do not call, text, email, or in any other way contact him...even "for the kids"!! Once you've done that, we can consider a Formal Letter. 

2) Work on your Consequences/Plan B Letter. While you are going through the withdrawal and struggling to resist every time you have an impulse to pick up the cell or email...during that time I want you to work on writing this one, final Consequences/Plan B Letter. Here are some Sample Letters to get you started. Under no circumstance are you to send it yet...but work on it. Start it. The first draft will probably be ALL emotional and go through all kinds of feelings, but as you work on it, and as you get through the withdrawal of disentangling from him, your letter will improve and grow stronger...state your boundaries and you'll be able to stand on your own two feet. 

So start it and work on it...but nope I would not recommend sending anything at this time. If he shows up Friday to try to convince you to let him in the house to see the kids--he'll find you GONE and won't be able to have his cake. That will start to bother him. Plus...you and the kids will have fun at McDonalds!

Finally, I gave you an assignment for tonight/today. On this thread-- http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/21990-any.html --I gave you the assignment of working on the schedule for your children. Now normally the minimum "visitation" is something like every other weekend and Wednesdays....and 50/50 would be something like this: you have them Sunday mid-day through Wednesday--take them to school, he picks them up--he has them Wednesday night through Sunday mid-day. That's exactly split half and half! So just put together a couple options and post those tomorrow. 

For the letter...you can start it privately and I bet it will take you all three days of withdrawal to get it written, if not more.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yes, I have told him to scrap the invitation of coming over as I've made other plans (wanted him to wonder) he didn't even respond. **EDIT** He replied and said "Ok hope you have a good night out" I didn't say I was going out... I hate texts coz I can't 'read' his reaction. Maybe he just doesn't give a crap?

I did stupidly send him a drunken text message saying I didn't want a divorce, I didn't want to do anything out of haste & regret it, I told him I loved him very much, that I was working on being a woman he'd be proud to call his wife. That I've admitted my faults & apologised for them. That I wanted to build on our marriage for us & our children, that I won't be contacting him unless its regarding our kids, if he needs to contact me, then he knows where I am.. he could tell is had a drink or several due to the terrible spelling, but again, there was no response.

I will not send anything or do anything without advice now.
You're right, I seemingly am addicted to contacting him. I NEED to be strong now, suck it up, 'woman up'  I am so scared that he'll be happy that I've moved on..and he can just go about doing what he wants to do... 

My friend has invited me out this evening on a 'girls night' It's been months since I last actually went out, got really dressed up and had a giggle... it was before he left.. she said then to put our pics on fb where he'll see them. Don't tell him we're going out. Does this seem childish?

If he texts & asks how the kids are (which he does most days) is it ok to just say 'they're fine thank you' or something? He's coming on Sunday to pick them up @ 10am this'll be the first time in almost 4 months that he'll be on his own with them. 

Currently he's only seeing them 1 day a week... calls them once a day to say good night. So I need to approach him about having them more? How? Like I said in the other thread he won't take them mid week. I never wanted to be a single mum... It's seemed so easy for him to detach himself.. another trait from the aspergers but he's not in any rush to see his kids... It hurts, he was the first person to hold them, had cried, when they were born, promised to be there for them.. but now nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If he texts you about the children I would say ignore him, it is his way of drawing you in. When he comes to pick up the children on Sunday, have them ready to go , do not let him in the children can walk to his car from the front door, you do not need to engage is any conversation other than what time he returns them home. Expect him to try engage you. 

Create a schedule on a calendar using excel, word or something similar that's is easy to use and modify. You can give him a hard copy and an electronic version. Be fair with the division of the childrens time, it is an equal split. Ensure you insert a foot note that the children are not to be exposed to any other non family adults ie. another woman without your prior concent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well, I didn't contact him at all yesterday, although I did have an email stating 'This is it' for him, I didn't reply to it, he tried to call at 18:30pm but I 'missed' the call, well I heard it ringing from the other room but failed to get to it... I assume he wanted to talk to the children so I do feel kind of guilty, but he didnt try to call again or text to say he wanted to talk to them.

I went out with friends last night, and resisted the urge to text, I was very drunk, and a few times I almost did, but I didn't. 

Today he hasn't even text me to see how the children are or anything, he's not at work... he's not doing anything and it just makes me feel really sad.. he said he loves them more than anything, but he couldn't even call them to see how they are.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

2 days without any contact, no texts no nothing. He called to say good night to the children and said he would be picking them up tomorrow at 10am. I have arranged for him to pick them up away from my house. 

I am trying so hard. I am all out of options.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Keep away from the texts, email etc. Read some books on the subject of affairs. Keep yourself busy. No matter how hard work all of this seems to be to you use the time re-read advice given by Affaircare. Navigate the site to see you are not alone. 

It won't be easy. It never is but, don't give in to temptation. Remove it.

Best of luck.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you Lazarus,

I am struggling a bit, he's told me me there is no one else, even swears on my kids... But wants to know why I asked? ermmm coz he cheated on me...(but I didn't reply) He said that he just has no desire to change things with us..

He's referring to me as his ex and that really stung I don't know why  I feel so sick.. 

He added a woman on facebook for the same site that he met the OW its not even a dating site ffs. I don't know if he is doing it to wind me up or what?

I need a slap Affaircare 

Now to carry on with the silent treatment..


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## valeriedp (Feb 13, 2011)

wow, after reading all these posts, you sound so much like me! If my husband isn't home, I want to call him 20 times, tons of texts. I have had to shut my phone off, and find something that kept me occupied (for me, it was a puzzle game on the computer, anything that kept my hands and mind busy). I know I have had many sleepless nights, getting up and checking my phone to see if he called. Then when he did call, I would not answer it, but listen to his voice mail many times if he left one. 
You are an amazingly strong women to keep the no contact, and I totally appreciate how hard it is. You are defiantly not alone, and i think you are doing the right thing. Do you have some friends you can call when you want to call him? That also helped me, or just looking at my kids while they are sleeping.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

As much as you want to believe him, you can't. There are many people on here who have been told just that..."there's no-one else" and the DS swear on their kids lives . Lies. Terrible disrespect even for their own flesh and blood. Check it out. 

You need to keep up the cold turkey. As each day passes, it should get easier. You just need to wean yourself off him. 

You might want to look at this Relationship Saver It maybe that you might want to build on yourself to take your mind away from it all. It may just be another ebook scam, but there is a moneyback guarantee. 

Just don't go chasing him. He violated you in the worst way possible. You need to stop being clingy and reassert yourself despite your difficult circumstances.

No-one ever said it was easy. 

Keep up your spirit.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I know  and it makes me sick that he lied about it before. 

Still no contact, 1.5 hours and he comes to collect the kids, I am as nervous as hell 

I am always wary of those scams, I've only bought a couple of suggested books from amazon.

I've planned on seeing my parents whilst he has them, I can't sit at home on my own


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've made it through 3 days without any contact, I am missing him, but he hasn't tried to contact me at all, I guess he isn't missing me or bothered..

He did text twice about the children and that is it..

So I carry on with no contact I guess?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I've made it through 3 days without any contact, I am missing him, but he hasn't tried to contact me at all, I guess he isn't missing me or bothered..
> 
> He did text twice about the children and that is it..
> 
> So I carry on with no contact I guess?


Yes, carry on. 

Also, don't assume that he's feeling a certain way. You have no idea why he hasn't contacted you. It could be that he's holding out hoping you'll come crawling back. A big part of no contact is concentrating on making yourself happy. Take care of yourself.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Yes, carry on.
> 
> Also, don't assume that he's feeling a certain way. You have no idea why he hasn't contacted you. It could be that he's holding out hoping you'll come crawling back. A big part of no contact is concentrating on making yourself happy. Take care of yourself.


It's hard not to over think, the last thing he really said to me - via email no less, was that this is it for him... 
So I am trying to convince myself that it is really over and we really will divorce 

It's hard when I just want to say good night, I love you.. 
Since I got the email on Friday (which I never replied too) I've acted all happy, I went out with friends that night (got rather drunk) I've had male friends commenting on my fb, that I would never allow before, incase I upset him, I am scared that with me acting like this, he'll think I don't care and will happily go through with the divorce..


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad~

I replied to you on your other thread-- http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/21990-any.html#post257516 --and while you are in this Plan B-No Contact there are two things you can be working on:

1) Work on your Plan B Letter. Remember that? Here are some Sample Consequences Letters and you can start working on this letter so he has ONE LAST communication about what it would take to repair his family and return to his marriage. When you've written your first draft, post it here on this thread and we'll go over it, okay?

2) Work on the schedule for your kids. When you look at the other thread, you'll see why this is not you "asking him if he'll do it" but rather, it's allowing him to experience the inconvenience of his choices to leave his wife and his children. Again, please post that schedule here on this thread and we'll go over it, okay?

These two things are things you can do that will help keep you busy. You get your mind off him and onto protecting yourself and your children.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> AmImad~
> 
> I replied to you on your other thread-- http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/21990-any.html#post257516 --and while you are in this Plan B-No Contact there are two things you can be working on:
> 
> ...


Thank you, I'll read through in the morning, I'm dog tired at the moment so going to attempt to fall asleep.
He did just send me a text! Saying 'sweet dreams, I hope the kids sleep through - unlikely but I thought id say it anyways' .... see now he's being nice??? Is it coz he's losing control? Argh!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I stupidly replied to his text last night, I am so disappointed with myself 

I replied, "Thanks. I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but I missed ya this weekend. Have a good week."

He never replied and now I feel rubbish again, I was doing so well....


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Hi, I'm in the same place, wife moved out and its 4 days no contact for me. The thing you have to keep in mind is that every time you respond like that you're reassuring him that he can continue what he is doing. He knows he has a fallback. If he doesn't hear back then those doubts start to creep in and he will become his own worst enemy. He knows what he is doing is wrong, you don't need to do anything. Just let him stew in his own juices without the support from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> Hi, I'm in the same place, wife moved out and its 4 days no contact for me. The thing you have to keep in mind is that every time you respond like that you're reassuring him that he can continue what he is doing. He knows he has a fallback. If he doesn't hear back then those doubts start to creep in and he will become his own worst enemy. He knows what he is doing is wrong, you don't need to do anything. Just let him stew in his own juices without the support from you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, that really does make sense, I am an idiot! I feel really disappointed in myself, I let him do it all over again! Giving him a bit of power back!

He texted me this morning asking how our daughter is, as she wasn't well early hours (he only knew this due to my fb status) I texted him a little while later, letting him know how she was, and he hasn't bothered since. I am hoping those doubts will creep in, but I am preparing myself for the worst, there's nothing else I can do. 

Like I said, he hasn't spoken to me face to face, just told me it was over via email.. But it aint over til it's over... is it

I am just very grateful for the 'friends' I have made on here, for all the support, some I've even added on FB and my H has no clue who these people are.. He knows all of my friends, I feel like I am in some kind of game


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I wouldnt worry about it too much, just keep being strong and learn your lesson. I'm no better, got home to an empty house and sent a text saying "happy?" Then another one asking her is there was any chance my old wife would return or should i just give up?

I guess I refuse to beleive anyone could do this to someone they loved for over a decade. I know what you mean about game, why cant people just be mature enough to see the hurt and damage they have caused and want to repair it?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> I wouldnt worry about it too much, just keep being strong and learn your lesson. I'm no better, got home to an empty house and sent a text saying "happy?" Then another one asking her is there was any chance my old wife would return or should i just give up?
> 
> I guess I refuse to beleive anyone could do this to someone they loved for over a decade. I know what you mean about game, why cant people just be mature enough to see the hurt and damage they have caused and want to repair it?


I have my children, but when they are in bed, I am sat in our home that was filled with love, I've got empty spaces on the walls where I have taken down our family pics.

I have asked my H if I should just give up and he said "I would...for now" For now?! I mean wth!?

15 years... it feels like such a waste!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad~

*sigh* So we reset the clock and start all over. When he texts you, I want you to DELETE IT. Do not read it, and if you can not avoid reading it because it's that kind of phone that just shows them, then turn off your phone. If he wants to know about the kids, have THE KIDS call him at a regular time each night (say 8pm/right before bedtime to say goodnight). That way you do not hear from him, do not read what he says, do not contact him, and do not rake your own self over the coals. 

See, every time he texts you and it's "about the kids" he is getting a little fix of you. He is getting the message you are still his safety net and fall-back plan. And even worse...YOU are getting a little fix of him! Remember you are just as addicted to him as he is to the affair and the OW. Now granted right now you are like a drug addict who has cut way, WAY back...but you have not STOPPED the drug, and as long as you do not stop the drug, you can not go through withdrawal and you postpone the pain. 

So when he texts, DELETE IT. When he emails, don't open it and read it--DELETE IT. When he calls, let it go to VM and don't listen to it--DELETE IT. Each and every time he contacts you, even under the pretense of "the kids" it just re-opens the wounds and there you are, open to being stabbed again. Stating today we will reset the clock and get through 72 ENTIRE HOURS of no contact. NONE. Not even "for the kids." Let them call him at bedtime and to say "good morning" but you? YOU do not read his texts, do not open his email, do not take his calls, do not listen to his VMs. 

NO CONTACT. NONE. NADA. Zilch!!! You can do it. Let's begin.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I know, I know, I am so disappointed with myself and of course I couldn't take it back.. and it was done 

He had text as our eldest was rather poorly, she had a really terrible asthma attack, but my reply was very direct and straight to the point. 

I put on facebook that our youngest daughter has now got conjunctivitis (she's been really run down and her immune system is shot) He hasn't even asked if she's ok..

He called at their bedtime, spoke to the children but my youngest said to him "Bye, I don't want to talk to you" She handed me the phone and I just said "Ok, thanks for calling bye" He sounded a tad shocked...as I didn't talk to him... saying "Oh, ok then" and I hung up before anything else was said.

I was so proud of myself and I made a stupid slip up  He hasn't even asked how my treatment is going... or how I am feeling so he really doesn't give a ****..

I don't have time for him any more.. any time I feel like talking to him or text him, I chew someone elses ears off, but it was starting to become less! I am back on it!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He just texted me and said "Have a good night" errm its 23:37pm, I am at home with my children, I shall with any luck be getting some sleep, what's good about it?! I didnt say that though!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad~

After the kids go to bed tomorrow night, I want you to turn your cell phone off. That way you won't get his little heart stabs at 11:30pm at night, disrupting your sleep. And when you wake up, is there any way to "clear VM" before you read/see them? You want to completely and utterly not contact him and at the same time, allow no contact from him to penetrate YOU. So tell me the plan you have to avoid his texts and VMs tomorrow when you wake up. 

Every time you read a text or read an email or contact him (call, text or email) the clock starts over again. 

Also I wanted to tell you a story about a lovely lady I know. She was with a husband who was serially unfaithful and called her names and belittled her to the point that she didn't really think she could do it without him. She was the cause of all their problems and if only she could say the right words, he would see how much she loved him and return her love! But the more she tried, the more he pulled away, behaved unfaithfully and blamed her. There was raging into the wee hours of the morning, and then she'd have to wake up the next day and try to care for the kids and go to work. There was continuous rejection and sex was a weapon used to hurt her and control her. Money was withheld. It was a nightmare but she kept thinking, "If only I could get this right, he'd love me. I know he's a loving kind of guy..." and yet he did not ACT toward her in a loving fashion at all. 

It took her a long time to finally see that this was not normal, and in fact it was abusive. When he would leave to go live with a mistress, she was cry for days and have to pull herself together "for the kids" and like you she kept on contacting him, chasing him, telling him she loved him, allowing him to give just enough crumbs of love to string her along. But when he was not living at home, she found that her and kids actually enjoyed life and it was a lot less stressful...much more peaceful! Then she felt guilty for feeling good while her husband was gone! 

This went on and on and she gradually met some other women friends who had been through some similar experiences. She began to be able to love herself enough to realize she deserved more than crumbs. She began to realize how amazing and strong she was for raising two kids on her own, finding a good job, paying all bills and things on her own, and that without him she not only could "do it" but have a really good life!! 

Her husband tried every trick in the book to get her back under his thumb. He showed up at her house and sat in her room until she woke up...to scare her. He broke into the house while she was gone and put holes in the wall with a sledge hammer to scare her. He'd call and call and call and call...claiming it was an "emergency about the kids." He'd blame, deflect, deny...EVERYTHING to try to get her back to the way it was, when he was in control of her and he could vent his anger and rage at her. That way he always had someone else to blame rather than looking at himself for his own choices and consequences! But she was STRONG and persistent--and every time he tried something, she'd contact her lady friends and say "He said this...is that an attempt to get me to break no contact and talk to him?" and they'd say "YES!! DO NOT BREAK IT!! Let's go out or talk on the phone or write to each other until it passes" and she stayed firm. 

In the end, he divorced her, moved on to living in a hotel room and having many "girlfriends" and pretty much circled the drain. And she and the kids thrived. She went to self-esteem support groups, learned how to value herself, supported her children as they went to college, and eventually met a wonderful, patient man who treats her in a loving way. 

That lady is me.  I know you can do this AmImad because *I* did it. I really do know how you feel and how your mind niggles with all the thoughts of calling him, just saying one more thing...wanting so badly to just get that ONE LAST MESSAGE to him. I know--and I survived!! And you will too. Let's do this thang!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Affaircare, I agree completely with the 'turn the phone off', but disagree with the DELETE, DON"T READ, I have not deleted any of the sms from my W, but I do NOT read them twice, there has been a few messages that, if I just deleted them before I read them I could be in a little spot of bother, so I say read them, but do NOT reply to them straight away, if the sms requires a reply, (ie: insurance for the house) take at least 15 minutes before you reply, anything that is of a personal nature, don't reply to, keep it business like, but thats just my opinion


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> AmImad~
> 
> After the kids go to bed tomorrow night, I want you to turn your cell phone off. That way you won't get his little heart stabs at 11:30pm at night, disrupting your sleep. And when you wake up, is there any way to "clear VM" before you read/see them? You want to completely and utterly not contact him and at the same time, allow no contact from him to penetrate YOU. So tell me the plan you have to avoid his texts and VMs tomorrow when you wake up.
> 
> ...


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Suggestion: block him on facebook as part of no contact. That way he can't even see your profile or name or anything.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Xena said:


> Suggestion: block him on facebook as part of no contact. That way he can't even see your profile or name or anything.


no need to block, just set security levels so he cant read the wall, my ex MIL has blocked me, I thought it was a bit childish & silly myself, my ex wife has set security levels, I have it so she can see everything any other friend can see :shrug:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> no need to block, just set security levels so he cant read the wall, my ex MIL has blocked me, I thought it was a bit childish & silly myself, my ex wife has set security levels, I have it so she can see everything any other friend can see :shrug:


I haven't blocked anything & neither has he, but it was a way for me to be nosey, or for him to see I'm 'happy'...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I haven't blocked anything & neither has he, but it was a way for me to be nosey, or for him to see I'm 'happy'...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yep, and my W knows I use FB a lot, she would only know that if she was checking FB, I have a FB stalker


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> yep, and my W knows I use FB a lot, she would only know that if she was checking FB, I have a FB stalker


Well same with my H, I know in the past 2 months he was looking to see who I was talking too, maybe not now tho...??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Well same with my H, I know in the past 2 months he was looking to see who I was talking too, maybe not now tho...??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


he was before, he still will be


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Crankshaw part of the idea behind a block, as opposed to just making your own wall private, is that she can't then see HIS stuff either. Facebook 'showin off' (I'm still having fun) and using facebook to check up on her husband is still contact. Even if it's not direct. But it's up to her of course.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AmImad said:


> but it was a way for me to be nosey..._Posted via Mobile Device_


Please be honest with yourself. FB contact ("snoping") is another way for you to get your "fix". 

As long as your getting your fix, you wont be able to emotionally distance yourself from him enough to do what is nessasary to give yourself the best chance to save your marriage. 

As long as you refuse to cut the strings, you will be dancing his dance....


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He reeled me in yet again today, then to knock me down.. And once again I let him. 

I called my dad in floods of tears and he let rip at me, made me see I deserve better than this, that I'm not ugly, that I'm have a wonderful personality & that my husband is the one losing out on watching his family grow up, I don't owe him anything, when my kids do something amazing, I'm not to text to tell him, if he was that interested he'd be there for them, rather than to go off and live a single life. My dad actually shouted at me, it wasn't getting through any other way. I need to learn to like myself & stop blaming myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well, I can't offer much advice. I am in the middle of severe marriage trouble myself. My wife continues her EA, and I don't know what to do. What I can offer is empathy. I'm sorry your going through this. Just know that you are not alone. I will pray for you and your 3 kids to get through this.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He reeled me in yet again today, then to knock me down.. And once again I let him.
> 
> I called my dad in floods of tears and he let rip at me, made me see I deserve better than this, that I'm not ugly, that I'm have a wonderful personality & that my husband is the one losing out on watching his family grow up, I don't owe him anything, when my kids do something amazing, I'm not to text to tell him, if he was that interested he'd be there for them, rather than to go off and live a single life. My dad actually shouted at me, it wasn't getting through any other way. I need to learn to like myself & stop blaming myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with your father. 

May I also suggest that you stop all drinking until this is over? Every time you drink you become weak. You are strong when your mind is in the right place, it's just a matter of keeping it there.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Xena said:


> Crankshaw part of the idea behind a block, as opposed to just making your own wall private, is that she can't then see HIS stuff either. Facebook 'showin off' (I'm still having fun) and using facebook to check up on her husband is still contact. Even if it's not direct. But it's up to her of course.


agreed, to a point, my W has not blocked me, but if I go to her page I do not see her friends, wall and only info is her email and she is female, I have left her as she was on my settings, other than not being married to her, I have nothing to hide, if she wants to see what I am up to, good for her (and from the sms from her yesterday, she is checking on my FB page


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I need to learn to like myself & stop blaming myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


about time you listened to us  x


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I agree with your father.
> 
> May I also suggest that you stop all drinking until this is over? Every time you drink you become weak. You are strong when your mind is in the right place, it's just a matter of keeping it there.


errr, does that mean I should start drinking 
coffee, diet cordial, water, and the odd cola here


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> agreed, to a point, my W has not blocked me, but if I go to her page I do not see her friends, wall and only info is her email and she is female, I have left her as she was on my settings, other than not being married to her, I have nothing to hide, if she wants to see what I am up to, good for her (and from the sms from her yesterday, she is checking on my FB page


She may discover you have lovely young women chatting to you on there and get jealous! hehe :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Affaircare,

I know I have to start all over again, but I learnt alot today and I am hoping that it has made me a bit stronger, I mean it took my dad to actually tell me off rather than try to talk to me..

I am resetting the clock, well from 3pm today.. he didn't even call his kids to say good night to them today.. and do you know what? They didn't even notice, but they had Mummy to tuck them in, telling them she loved them... I am both Mum and Dad..

I just need to keep re-reading posts and be strong... I think I may get to a point where my H, will have burnt all his bridges and it will be too late.. He may never want to come back, but the way he has treated me.. we can never be 'friends' the way he wants.. not for a very long time.

I know that I am hurting myself by being this way, letting him be the puppet master.. I need to keep telling myself, I am a wonderful person, I need to ignore what he says, I do have pretty eyes.. I do have a nice smile.. etc.. I DON'T need him to complete me!


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

You know, when my wife's affair first came to light, I did many of the same things. I would have given anything to "feel" loved by her once again. Then when she left, I found myself wondering what she was doing, things of that nature.

Once I finally started living my OWN life instead of trying to force-feed pieces of her into my life is when I truly started healing. I stopped asking mutual friends about her, I stopped spinning my wheels wondering if she thought about me, etc. I even found a hobby through it all. Anytime I'm feeling a little tense, I find a good place to play pool. As weird as that might sound, public establishments have recently been made smoke-free, so the pool hall I go to has a very nice environment. I like the music that plays, and actually, I've made friends with many other people who, just like me, go to play pool for fun.

In any case, I just wanted to share with you to let you know that yet another person was able to cut that tie. I rarely worry about the betrayal I felt anymore because I was able to stop beating myself up over it.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

land2634 said:


> You know, when my wife's affair first came to light, I did many of the same things. I would have given anything to "feel" loved by her once again. Then when she left, I found myself wondering what she was doing, things of that nature.
> 
> Once I finally started living my OWN life instead of trying to force-feed pieces of her into my life is when I truly started healing. I stopped asking mutual friends about her, I stopped spinning my wheels wondering if she thought about me, etc. I even found a hobby through it all. Anytime I'm feeling a little tense, I find a good place to play pool. As weird as that might sound, public establishments have recently been made smoke-free, so the pool hall I go to has a very nice environment. I like the music that plays, and actually, I've made friends with many other people who, just like me, go to play pool for fun.
> 
> In any case, I just wanted to share with you to let you know that yet another person was able to cut that tie. I rarely worry about the betrayal I felt anymore because I was able to stop beating myself up over it.



Thank you so much for your insight Land, 

I am sat so angry right now, my two eldest children are really poorly, he only found out by seeing someone comment on my face book, it was 22:15pm and he texts to see if he could talk to them.. seriously?.. he hasn't bothered with them and doesn't give a crap.. 

He said he didnt call at their bedtime as I missed his call last night (even though I said call back) he couldnt coz he was out with his mate.. He said so he didn't call tonight we were one for one... ERRRRR WTH?! I just said "You don't give a **** lets face it, they deserve so much better. I am not going to reply again, I dont want to say anything out of anger. Like I said Thank you for MY babies. Have a lovely night
He said "Go on, get it off your chest. It must be important otherwise you wouldnt be such a **** about it"

I am not ****ing replying, that's what he wants Seriously I am beginning to really really hate this man with a passion! Not because of what he has done to me, but what he is doing to my children..

I am sorry for having a rant... I have turned my phone off...

Things like this... these are the things where I wonder why the hell I am sooo upset over him, it's all a game to him, a power trip.. our children are not toys you can just pick up and put down as and when you feel like it! He's no father.. he's a sperm donor! 

I am now sat crying, these are my babies, we made them together out of love, how, how can he just stop caring, and treat us all like that.. if things had gone his way, he'd be a step dad to a 6 year old and left his kids to live half way around the world.. only planning to see them once a year.... 

I don't want this life.. I don't want to be crying over him, wondering if he is going to come back.. all this should tell me NO I don't want him back.. if he can just drop us all like this, to call when he fancies.. even though the children didn't care, they did notice he didn't call, and I am NOT calling him to remind him to talk to his kids.
They are my world, I couldn't go a day without them.. I just so want to hate him.. I dont want to feel anything for him any more..


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM READ YOUR FACEBOOK?

Sorry to shout, but you are STILL IN CONTACT VIA FACEBOOK. No contact means NO contact means NO contact. Maybe you should arrange some mutual friend to deliver info about the kids. Maybe you should delete your facebook account or at the least block him and change your cellphone number. Really, what do you expect to happen if you make this info available to him? I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but him seeing your facebook just reset the clock AGAIN. Get him out of your life so you can start healing. You make me think of someone who slams their hand in the door...'oh that hurt'....slams it in again....'oh that hurt'...slams it in again....'oh that hurt'...

Well then delete facebook! Change your number! >:/


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You are causing your own pain, you are being desperate and needy. Why why why are you talking to him , did you complete the items I suggested. You cannot and will not move forward untill you start taking ownership and control of your life. 

Do not engage with him!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Xena said:


> WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM READ YOUR FACEBOOK?
> 
> Sorry to shout, but you are STILL IN CONTACT VIA FACEBOOK. No contact means NO contact means NO contact. Maybe you should arrange some mutual friend to deliver info about the kids. Maybe you should delete your facebook account or at the least block him and change your cellphone number. Really, what do you expect to happen if you make this info available to him? I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but him seeing your facebook just reset the clock AGAIN. Get him out of your life so you can start healing. You make me think of someone who slams their hand in the door...'oh that hurt'....slams it in again....'oh that hurt'...slams it in again....'oh that hurt'...
> 
> Well then delete facebook! Change your number! >:/



I do not contact him on Facebook...yes we are 'friends' on there, but we don't talk... He found out his son and daughter we're ill because it was commented on, I didn't text him to tell him...


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I do not contact him on Facebook...yes we are 'friends' on there, but we don't talk... He found out his son and daughter we're ill because it was commented on, I didn't text him to tell him...


You are using Facebook to communicate to him indirectly hoping he will contact you. Get rid of Facebook. Delete it now. 

After freezing him out he will be wondering what is going on and it should make him curious . You need to rid it (facebook) out of your life. 

And bye the way, because someone somewhere says capitals on email posts is shouting, it doesn't mean this is right because of some PC crap. SHOUTING isn't possible on email! All it does is emphasize a word. So don't be too upset.

People are trying to support you 'AmImad' but you need to start acting to cut the apron strings. It is going to be hard but if you cut all contact and rid yourself of Facebook you will find after a short period of time that you will get stronger. It will empower you and you will start to feel better about yourself and the kids will notice mummy is happier. When you have times of weakness say so here. The support is here for you. You may need to get some professional support from your local health organisation. Be strong and it will pay dividends. 

You can win through this. When you stop indirectly informing him and appearing to use the kids as a pawn he won't know what you are doing. It's the best way for you at the moment.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

If I delete him from my life completely, how do we stand any chance of reconciliation? I'm not texting, I haven't spoken to him, there have been no emails or any other contact. Yesterday he asked me 3 times how I was & I ignored him completely, I'm not dependant on him now, on my facebook he can see I'm going out & see the pictures etc.. Ok he can see when people ask me how I'm feeling etc.. But I don't talk to him. 

I want to work on my marriage, I'm doing the 180.. But if I act like he doesn't exist at all, what hope do I have? He's just gonna say 'oh sod it, I tried to talk to her & she's not interested' so he'll give up...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Block him from facebook, are you in Plan B ? this plan is for you and your children. Start removing him from your life, do not think of him and move forward, friends and family will see positive changes in you and the message will get back to him. Have you an intermediary in place , have you completed the items on your check list, if not why not? You are separated and must have legal protection, you are far to busy hoping he will change , he will only changed when he has been shamed into seeing what he has done, has become and he realises who he has run away from. He is not your friend, only time will tell what he will be in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

AmImad : you have come a long way , look back on your posts you can see the progress. Stay on course , be focused, look after your own well being.

Best wishes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

AmImad, you are being too clingy. That will chase him away for a long time. He is away at the moment and says he wants to divorce you. You don't want a divorce you want him back and your marriage back on track. You need to employ tactics. If you can't rid yourself off Facebook which can become an addiction and a torment for you in the end then 'de friend' your husband. Let him do the work to find out how things are going. That would be better for you as opposed to what you are using it for now. 

Try this to help you. 
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ5

Focus on you and revamp you. Hard as it is, try and do something that makes you happy. 

Loving your unloveable husband right now is making you miserable.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you very much, I haven't told him I miss him, love him etc in well over a week now, I only respond to him regarding the children, he has asked how I am, but I never answer. I am not looking at my phone or email constantly wondering if he is going to call or contact, I am getting on with my own thing. 

I am trying very hard to sort my life out, to live it as if he will never come back.. ok, It may have only been a short time since I have started to really back off, but he doesn't seem to have noticed anything anyway.... but having said that I went away for a couple of days with the children and he text me and called me... 

I need to try and stop over thinking everything, that is my downfall


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Thank you very much, I haven't told him I miss him, love him etc in well over a week now, I only respond to him regarding the children, he has asked how I am, but I never answer. I am not looking at my phone or email constantly wondering if he is going to call or contact, I am getting on with my own thing.
> 
> I am trying very hard to sort my life out, to live it as if he will never come back.. ok, It may have only been a short time since I have started to really back off, but he doesn't seem to have noticed anything anyway.... but having said that I went away for a couple of days with the children and he text me and called me...
> 
> I need to try and stop over thinking everything, that is my downfall


How often does he text about the children? He talks to them every night, right? If he texts often about the kids it's likely his way of keeping track of you. Set a time to respond to texts about the kids (perhaps right before you go to bed) if it doesn't involve something they themselves could express over the phone during his "good night" call. 

He's chosen to walk away and realistically that means he doesn't have access to his children OR you at all times. After you respond to his original text, the conversation is DONE. Shut off the phone if you can't resist responding.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He normally sends a text around 10am saying Good Morning, how are you and the kids?... I normally just reply "They're fine thanks." That's it.

When I went away he didn't know where I was or who I was with, I think that's why he tried to engage in conversation.

He calls at night, I let my daughter answer and then they hang up, I don't talk to him.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

That sounds like he's checking up. Why not arrange for a mutual friend to tell him stuff about the kids IF there is something he needs to know. Like if one of the kids breaks their arm for instance, the mutual friend will contact him and tell him. If he does NOT hear anything, that means they are fine. As for 'how are you' (he asks how are you and the kids)...that is none of his damn business. And I agree about blocking him on facebook, can't you see that you are still letting him see your doings on there? You are still allowing him access to you. Maybe someone else can explain it better than I can...but i don't think you understand no contact. No contact does not mean having him as a facebook buddy. It does not mean he can see your facebook page. It does not mean daily texts asking how you and the kids are. It means NO CONTACT and arrange for a mutual friend to let him know something IF there is something that needs to be known...if he is NOT contacted by this mutual friend, then there is nothing about the kids he needs to know. Can't you see all this stuff you are doing is not no contact at all? I don't mean to be harsh here, I cannot even imagine the pain you are in...but as I understand it the point of no contact is to allow you to FULLY experience the grief of having lost him, so you can then begin to move on and heal and also allow him the same. At the moment you cannot experience that so you are postponing the moment when you can begin to heal in future. I hope I have made sense here, maybe someone else will come along who can explain it better than me. Good luck, you have friends here


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He normally sends a text around 10am saying Good Morning, how are you and the kids?... I normally just reply "They're fine thanks." That's it.
> 
> When I went away he didn't know where I was or who I was with, I think that's why he tried to engage in conversation.
> 
> He calls at night, I let my daughter answer and then they hang up, I don't talk to him.


That's small talk and not at all necessary. Take that power back. Don't respond to that message _at all_. Don't notify him that you're not going to respond in the future, just stop. He needs to know you're not waiting around for him to contact you.

I'm glad you don't talk to him when he calls the children. You're doing great there!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am really trying, I spoke with my Dad about the whole facebook thing. The thing is in 2 weeks it's our daughters 4th Birthday and 'we' as a family are going out, I don't want to delete him off right now and cause an awkwardness between us. We talked it out and my father has suggested that I carry on with NC, but leave FB for now, BUT don't post anything there, nothing about my hospital trips nothing, so there is nothing for him to 'see' do this for the 2 weeks, go out and have a lovely day with the kids, if he is still being the way he is now (which is a dead cert) then when we get back delete him off..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I have more treatment today, I have woken up feeling really low, I just want my H, I am going to the hospital on my own, going through it on my own, I just want him to be here to hug me, make me feel better, tell me it's going to be ok..

I haven't contacted, I have stuck to the 180, he saw me yesterday when picked up the kids, but that's it.

I feel so alone and low right now, I know I can't but I just want to call him, hear his voice, just to feel like he cares 

Sorry... just thought if I post on here I wont be tempted to call him..

When I am on a downer like this, I go into self destruct mode. I'll do something silly... like tell him I miss him..


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I asked my husband to leave tonight amimad, and am implementing the 180 immediately. I am fighting the same demons you are right now girl. I effed up and tried calling him shortly after he left, and I mentally smacked myself like wtf??? lol, I had some additional questions that I wanted answers. I am sorry you are going through this.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Today I deleted him off facebook, he wants to know if there is 'someone else' well what's it to him, he doesn't want me... I am not replying to him.

I am hurting like hell, it was my last tie with him, it's gone, he can't see what I am doing/going through, if he wants to know, he'll have to work to find out the information, he won't be getting it from me.

I am praying to all things holy that I will have the strength to get through this. I love him with every ounce of my being but he just doesn't want me.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

AmIMad I just saw you're in the UK.Me too, I'm in Leeds. So whatever distance you are from Leeds is however far you are from a friend who cares. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But STAY STRONG. Realise it will hurt like hell...and then it will get better...and better. Surround yourself with friends, even one or two girlfriends who know what you're going through. If you can arrange someone (whom you TRUST) to help with the kids that would be good. Watch some movies and cry and maybe have some drinks or whatever helps you through this initial shock period. Also, I don't know what the treatment is you're going to have but I wish you the best of luck and health with that. We're all here for you, just keep coming back and posting and venting. It feels bad but the fact you could delete him proves you are strong within, that there is a part of you that KNOWS you deserve better, you deserve love. We're here for you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

DO NOT BACKSLIDE NOW! Hold on tight!!

***praying for you, have strength!!***

**very proud of U**

~Pit~


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Today I deleted him off facebook, he wants to know if there is 'someone else' .


Good! Now he's not so self assured. Keep it that way. Time to start working on you and keep strong for the little ones.

Out of interest, how do you know he wants to know if there is someone else?

You did very well facing your hospital visit on your own. It is a hard situation dealing with a serious health battle on your own with little ones.

If he wants back at some stage in the future, he will have to work very hard to win you back and you know, you might just think he really isn't worth it because you are worthy of much better. 

Just keep your chin up. Keep strong for the little ones and give yourself a pat on the back for showing immense strength riding yourself or him from Facebook. Well done.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> Good! Now he's not so self assured. Keep it that way. Time to start working on you and keep strong for the little ones.
> 
> Out of interest, how do you know he wants to know if there is someone else?
> 
> ...


Well I think I did kinda screw up as we ended up having a text conversation http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/22290-seriously-7.html I needed to get it all out, I am glad I did, I am now not wondering about him, He doesn't want me, I gave him ample opportunity, to say he wanted things to be different, he doesn't want it so fine. Now I know. No more Mrs Nice Amimad, no contact, he can't see what I am doing, I am not going to be telling him anything about my life. I pray that I can do this, I need to do this, I love him, but I love myself and my kids more, we deserve better than he can give us right now..

He's asked several times if there is someone else.

I have turned my phone off so I am not tempted to reply any more, I've said my piece and I don't need to say anything else, I've informed him that I shall not be contacting him when he calls the children will answer and hang up.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He just sent a msg saying: This isn't so easy, but you know that. And thank you too.

What? Does he expect me to feel sorry for him?? I haven't replied, and I don't intend on it, I only turned my phone on as I needed to get a friends number for another friend..


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He just sent a msg saying:.....
> 
> What? Does he expect me to feel sorry for him??..


Why would you think that? 

It's not like he's selfish, manipulative and controlling.










*edit* funniest thing just happened... Curious if it was a psychic... I saw a picture in my head of you reading the "selfish, manipulative and controlling" part of my post above... and _I heard you think_... "Yeah, but..."

Did that happen?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am doing the right thing aren't I? I mean he now knows I care and if he's ever willing to work, he knows where I am and until such time, I am not going to be in contact...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Why would you think that?
> 
> It's not like he's selfish, manipulative and controlling.
> 
> ...


No, I did laugh and was tempted to ask if that was said with a hint of sarcasm Pit.. 

But I did wonder if I am doing the right thing.. lol


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lol. yes, there was a sprinkle of sarcasm & a touch of frisky in my response. hehehe.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> lol. yes, there was a sprinkle of sarcasm & a touch of frisky in my response. hehehe.




I'm having a bad day, feel like rubbish  and he called to speak to the kids, he was all chipper and happy, he called earlier than normal so I guess he's going out or something *shrugs*

I just want to get to know him again  How is NC going to help us get back together? *sigh* 

I just have to be strong I know, but my best friend of 15 years is slipping through my fingers..


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

How did you know he was all chipper and happy, if when he calls the kids answer the phone and hang up the phone?

If it's cause he called at the 'wrong' (different time) and so you werent expecting it and picked up...maybe you should tell him he's ONLY allowed to call at the pre arranged time OR get called ID so if its him the kids always answer.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Xena said:


> How did you know he was all chipper and happy, if when he calls the kids answer the phone and hang up the phone?
> 
> If it's cause he called at the 'wrong' (different time) and so you werent expecting it and picked up...maybe you should tell him he's ONLY allowed to call at the pre arranged time OR get called ID so if its him the kids always answer.



Because he is blinking loud and I could hear the conversation from the other side of the room! hehe


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well I have just been informed he actually has someone else now... wow he's a fast mover..

He swore on our daughters life there was no one else.. he lied what a suprise.. 

He chose to see this new woman rather than go out with our kids to the zoo for our youngest's 4th birthday.. Why, why did I bother to try and fix anything. 

I have just deleted his number from my phone, he's texted and I've ignored it, he's called and left a vmail, deleted.. he called for the kids, but I can't face answering him or just even hearing his voice.. I am sure he'll be fine not talking to his kids for one night...


The really sad thing is my 7 year old son, came up to me, wrapped his arms around me, and said "Don't worry Mummy, I love you and I'll look after you, I am the only man you need"... He's 7 


I am such a f*cking idiot. I thought maybe, just maybe that when it didn't work out with her in Oz that there was a chance for us... but instead of him working on us, he's turned his attention elsewhere.. BUT he still doesn't want a divorce, he's in no hurry..

So what now? Just act like he doesn't exist?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> So what now? Just act like he doesn't exist?


If you're ready, file for divorce yourself.

If you're not, show him what it's like to be divorced. (So yes, act like he doesn't exist.) He wouldn't exist in your life aside from the children. You wouldn't call him to chat, ask for support, etc. You wouldn't be there to support him either. You'd find the support you need from family and friends.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> If you're ready, file for divorce yourself.
> 
> If you're not, show him what it's like to be divorced. (So yes, act like he doesn't exist.) He wouldn't exist in your life aside from the children. You wouldn't call him to chat, ask for support, etc. You wouldn't be there to support him either. You'd find the support you need from family and friends.


I don't think I can face divorce right now, not with the op on Monday and so much more to think about... I don't want him there. He's not part of my life any more


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I don't think I can face divorce right now, not with the op on Monday and so much more to think about... I don't want him there. He's not part of my life any more


I don't blame you one bit. The less stress you have the better. Good luck on Monday. We're all rooting for you!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you x


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## miss detective (Mar 9, 2011)

You are blessed with wonderful children! what a sweetheart your little man is. All the best for Monday! it will be fine, and you will feel even stonger come Tuesday knowing you went through that with the people that care for you dearly and not his selfish ass. lots of hugs xxx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

miss detective said:


> You are blessed with wonderful children! what a sweetheart your little man is. All the best for Monday! it will be fine, and you will feel even stonger come Tuesday knowing you went through that with the people that care for you dearly and not his selfish ass. lots of hugs xxx


Thank you, they are amazing kids, despite having him as a father... *****y? Yes... but true...

The sick and twisted thing is.. I still want my husband back  I just have to give up and walk away.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I know that you love him too. I don’t doubt that for a second. You said “You can’t help who you love”… I called bullsh*t beacuse the verbiage you used “can’t help”, somehow implies it’s out of your control. You may not be able to “turn off” the fact that you love him, but you can control how you love him. Commit to making the hard choice and sticking to PLAN B. Because you love him!. That is the action that best gives both of you the best & healthiest opportunity to make it through this. That is the most loving thing that you can do for him.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Absolutely beautiful..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

It is, I've re-read this message several times in the last few hours, I Feel like a failure that I didn't work hard enough.. but I did.. I just did it in the wrong way.. I gave him all the power to use and abuse me.

Soooo many people said NO CONTACT, PLAN B, 180! Did I listen? To some extent yes, I did the minimum, when things were good between us, I held on tightly with both hands, I jumped on it.. I wasn't cool, calm, or collected. And now I wonder if it's too late?

He says there's someone else, I don't know if it's true, as he knows someone is interested in me, and he constantly tries to hurt me, he swore on our daughters life that there was no one else.. then lied.... how can someone do that? He then said we're not living in the 17th century, she's not going to be struck down.. well he wished I had cancer and look how that's turned out.

I asked him for his wedding ring, as I would like to keep them together for our children, they aren't worth much but they are engraved, I've said that it doesn't mean anything to him, that he doesn't want to be married to me, keeping it is just another way to hurt me, it means f*ck all to him, what's the point of keeping it? At least give it to someone who wants it..

He replied saying "No, it's not. It's my wedding ring, an I'll keep it if I want. It's in the box I keep my cufflinks in, you know the one, the one you bought me in Dubai for our 5th Wedding Anniversary?"

Why, why would he say that? To rub salt into my wounds? We went to Dubai 2 weeks before he started talking to her... 

I love this man... WHY do I love him, after all that he's done! I know people will read my story and say Why the hell haven't you kicked him to the kerb.. I wish I knew the answer to that, I wish I was strong enough to just do it...

So what now? I am ignoring all calls and texts... Do I do a plan b letter, or am I just pretty much screwed? 
He thinks I am interested in someone else.. do I tell him I'm not.. or do I let him think what he likes... I mean he'll either think F&ck it im not bothering (pretty much what he's done this entire time) or he'll think Sh*t she's not going to be my fall back if there's someone else..

He's said if there is someone else, go for it.. he didn't seem bothered.. my marriage is over isnt it?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

AmImad said:


> It is, I've re-read this message several times in the last few hours, I Feel like a failure that I didn't work hard enough.. but I did.. I just did it in the wrong way.. I gave him all the power to use and abuse me.
> 
> Soooo many people said NO CONTACT, PLAN B, 180! Did I listen? To some extent yes, I did the minimum, when things were good between us, I held on tightly with both hands, I jumped on it.. I wasn't cool, calm, or collected. And now I wonder if it's too late?
> 
> ...


Just STOP talking to him already. You're making it too easy for him to abuse you more and more. You love him for the same reasons I love my cheating ass wife, we can't help it, but we have to control it.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Just STOP talking to him already. You're making it too easy for him to abuse you more and more. You love him for the same reasons I love my cheating ass wife, we can't help it, but we have to control it.


Exactly. No plan B letter. 

He'll try to pull you in like he did last time. Remember that. He wants the power and will manipulate you to take it back. 

Just.stay.silent.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Exactly. No plan B letter.
> 
> He'll try to pull you in like he did last time. Remember that. He wants the power and will manipulate you to take it back.
> 
> Just.stay.silent.


He's tried to call this afternoon. I let it go to Vmail, he wants me to call him to discuss the children, I haven't done so..


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you go dark plan B , nominate an intermediary and agree with the IM the process you want followed. If you need some pointers they can be posted. Protect yourself and start working on a way forward that does not include your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Hope you are managing to cope. Your 7 year old is a lovely little man. How perceptive he is for such a young child. 

I agree - silence and adopt an intermediary. Keep distant, let him experience you completely out of his life like a divorce.

If possible, get on your nice gear and get that man who is interested in you to take you out. Nothing else, no drinking and making mistakes or anything. No revenge affair etc. Just a night out in male company. 

For your interest, an affairwoman happened to gripe that her affairman whom she lived with for some years was paying alimony to his ex wife and it irked OW immensely... (not content with stealing another woman's husband she wanted the EX and her kids to live in poverty!) When she tackled her affairman on the issue he said he felt guilty after all this time because his wife wouldn't speak to him other than behind a curtain and closed blinds and through only a slightly opened window and he lamented how humiliating the experience was for HIM! 

Take control. You are doing fine soon he will know NOTHING about your life and it may drive him demented. People normally want what they can't have. He can no longer control or "have" you or your attention, AmImad. Keep your cool.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am really trying, I deleted him from facebook, which seemed to put a bee in his bonnet and I wouldn't discuss why I deleted him.

I've tried to go dark, but slipped up on Wednesday so I've had to reset the clock...AGAIN

If he texts it's about the kids, I and I will be jovial, I don't see the point of being a complete b1tch, thats never going to win any one round. But I do try and treat it like a business transaction now.

When I haven't contacted he doesn't seem bothered at all. He's moving into his house share next weekend, not seeing the kids.. even though it's my birthday and mothers day..

I just can't see any light.. What am I doing wrong?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You're not doing anything wrong, Mad. 

You are doing what you need to do for you and your children.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

So there is clearly no hope?  Today I attempted to be jovial via text, but I've not bothered with him since..

Im going to let the kids call him and hang up, I don't know if he even cares that I'm not really in contact... When we do talk on the phone which is the smallest amount of time, I am always nice and don't b!tch. So much for him being jealous of me being happy...


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

AmImad;282787 :( Today I attempted to be jovial via text said:


> You saw the effect of deleting him from Facebook. That was good and now YOU need to take more CONTROL of the situation.
> 
> You could be in a divorce situation even if you don't want this to happen so it is essential to protect yourself and the children.
> 
> ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> Have you already set a time of day for him to call or is it ad hoc?
> 
> *He calls between 6pm and 6:30pm on week days, if theres any thing happening ie: we go out I let the kids call him beforehand..*
> 
> ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My H turned up with a love bite on his neck..... I'm done... I can't let him keep doing this to me, I feel nothing but hate right now. 

He'll truly learn to see what it's like being divorced. I've told him I want his stuff out of my house by the end of April.. I didn't cry or anything, just no emotion.

He was pissed at me because I wouldn't talk to him, I didn't show him out or anything... He hung around when he knew I wanted him gone by 4pm, I said "Kids say good bye to your Dad" and he got the hint...

I don't know where to go from here, he cheated once... but twice in 5 months?! Surely I deserve better??


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> My H turned up with a love bite on his neck..... I'm done... I can't let him keep doing this to me, I feel nothing but hate right now.
> 
> He'll truly learn to see what it's like being divorced. I've told him I want his stuff out of my house by the end of April.. I didn't cry or anything, just no emotion.
> 
> ...


Please don't fool yourself into thinking it was only twice. He's been trying to find females since the moment he left. Your husband is showing you who he's become, believe him! 

You deserve better. You have a lot of work to do before you can find yourself in a healthy relationship, though. Right now you should be concentrating on you and only you! If you want to go out with P for shiggles, do it! Just make sure both of you are aware that cultivating a relationship at this point wouldn't be in anyone's best interest. 

Are you ready to go dark YET? What more will it take?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I don't have any other choice, I'm clearly not good enough to fight for, he makes me sick, I said if he had someone else there is nothing I can do and I wouldn't take him back...

So what now? I've told him this things need to go, I don't call him or text him.. What more can I do now?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I don't have any other choice, *I'm clearly not good enough to fight for*,


When are you going to stop being a victim, Ami? KNOCK IT OFF! You know d*mn well that you aren't the problem here. Continuing with this mentality is going to get you nowhere, fast. 



AmImad said:


> So what now? I've told him this things need to go, I don't call him or text him.. What more can I do now?


Are you ready to file? Ask if you're able to file on grounds of abandonment.

If he has anything left at the house pack it up yourself and have it ready the next time he picks up the children. Letting him in to gather his things would be counterproductive. 

Make sure every contact reads as a business deal, as we've said before. If you're having a day that you think might result in an emotional slip-up, shut off your phone. 

There's not much that hasn't been covered in your threads. It's a matter of you doing what needs to be done.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I don't have any other choice, I'm clearly not good enough to fight for, he makes me sick, I said if he had someone else there is nothing I can do and I wouldn't take him back...
> 
> So what now? I've told him this things need to go, I don't call him or text him.. What more can I do now?


Do you have a counselor? Are you speaking with anyone professionally?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

This is copied from a different thread...

H turning up with a love bite on Sunday... this broke my heart all over again..I walked calmly out of the house and drove about half way down my street and broke my heart... I called a friend and cried my eyes out.. I then drove to my Dad's and had a chat to him. I decided that I didn't want H in my house, that he had disrespected me, so I texted him and asked him to leave @ 4pm, that I would be home just before and if he could have finished whatever he was doing by then and be ready to leave I'd be grateful. He wasn't best pleased, but I didn't care..

Anyways, I got home, I'd been food shopping and he asked if I wanted help with the bags, I cut my nose off to spite my face and said no, I didn't want him anywhere near me, my son came to the rescue and helped me bless him.

I was putting stuff away and H was chatting at me, I just grunted responses where appropriate, and carried on with what I was doing.

When finished I sat on the sofa, he tried to talk to me again, asking what beach I had taken the kids to on Sat, I said that we didn't know we'd pointed in the direction of the forest, saw a sign for a castle then as we were driving along we saw a carpark next to a little beach so we stopped, I informed him that we had a lovely time and I had taken some amazing pictures.

He tried to ask me how RT was going, and whether I'd had my results. I said I'd seen my consultant earlier in the week, he asked what happened, I just said.. It doesn't matter. He got the arseache swore under his breath. I did say Pardon, but he never replied.

I said to the kids "Ok say goodbye to Daddy" he again muttered under his breath "I suppose I better get my f*cking shoes on then" I didn't respond, the kids all cuddled him goodbye then the girls sat with me on the sofa cuddling me, my son, came over and said he wanted to join in with the group hug, and he said "here's your happy pill Mummy" and he kissed my forehead, all the while H was just standing there looking at us.

I said "Who's going to see Daddy out?" No one moved or said anything. He said "Who's going to open the front door for me?" Lil one jumped up and ran to open the door the rest of us stayed seated, I didn't even say bye.. anyway she opened the door, he walked out she said bye then closed the door on him! He pushed his hand through the letter box, something he always used to do to make them laugh when they were little, she walked away... I could still see him standing at the door..

He didn't even called them to say good night.

I didn't sleep all night, I did alot of thinking... also my kids weren't well

I decided that I was going to send him a text in the morning... this is the conversation:


M: Please call the kids @ 6:30pm during the week if it's much later they wont answer the phone. You can pick them up 10am on Sat morning and drop them off @ 5pm, you wont be coming into our home. Also you wont be introducing them to your 'friend' until our divorce is finalised. Thank you. Enjoy your day.

H: What friend? I can't do this sat morning as discussed.

M: Unless pre-arranged you will have them Saturdays. I also need your new address. Oh and what friend? The one who you're seeing.

H: So now I'm seeing someone? Well played Columbo.

M: Well your neck suggests so.. unless you didn't notice that. What you do is nothing to do with me, nor do I care, but where my children are involved, I'd appreciate it if we could stick to the boundries in place.

H: My neck? What the f*ck are you on about? You seriously need to sort your sh1t out. You told me I was the one with a split personality, this is you flip-flopping from vaguely reasonable to just plain weird.

M: Go and look in the mirror, even your eldest asked what the 'mark' was...

H: That's a dead spot, I've got one next to my nose as well, one on my upper left thigh and my back is covered with them, I had pizza friday and it was a mistake and this is hilarious.

M:Oh really ok.... whatever like I said, nothing to do with me. Spot or not were done. I need your address.

H: Confirm all of this (maybe not the weird stuff) by email and I'll get back to you.

Me: Weird stuff right, pizza makes you spotty & gives you a love bite shaped bruise in 2 days hahahaha oh you do make me laugh. Address please and this will all be confirmed in writing.

H: I don't have it to hand. Confirm this weird but very entertaining conversation by email and I will respond with my address later.

M: No, just send the address via email.

H: You need to confirm the access hours. I'll let you do it now. Have a lovely day.

M: Yes, I will, in writing not email. Also in the future please don't question the kids on where we go out and who with. Thanks.

H: I asked them about their day at the seaside. In future I've got a feeling I'll do what I f*cking like but thanks for the guidance.

M: When you spoke to Myá on the phone you asked her if it was just me, her, Jack and Livvy went....

M: Enjoy your day, I'm sure you will anyway, whereas I have got 3 children with stomach upsets, so no RT for me today.

H: I asked if Nana and Grandad went (which is a big fat lie, I was sat next to Myá and heard the whole convo!) I hope that the kids feel better soon, I'm worried that it was the BK as I was unwell last night, but thought it was the bread. Not that you give a f*ck..

H: And no idea if a day off from RT gives you any respite or makes you feel ok-ish for a day, but I hope that too despite what you think.

M: I thought it would be the BK as they've all got it. Please don't pretend to be concerned about me.

H: I am. Don't throw it back in my face I'd rather you just said nothing.

This is where I got a tad pissed off.

M: Oh so how many times have you called and asked if I'm ok, how RT was or what the consultant said?? Thats right none. Have you offered to come over and help with the kids?? Errrm No. I don't need the fake concern.

H: You refuse to tell me how you are. Case in point yesterday and it took you a week to tell me that the consultant said you had another lump. But it's my fault for not asking. Hope the kids feel better soon.

M:I called you on Monday straight after my op... I called YOU, you never bothered again... hence me saying it didn't matter yesterday. You've shown no f*cking concern. You've made it clear how you feel, you're getting on with your life. I'm not your concern, so you don't bother with me simple. Like I said we're done. I dont need this called the kids tonight as arranged.

He called them in the evening... Then the girls were ill I texted him to tell him, he basically said thanks for letting me know that was it.


Then I get a msg 23:30pm

H: Sh1t dont think I wrapped one of your presents (he bought the children presents to give me on my birthday and mothers day) and Im worried I threw it away by mistake. Can you look for a Whittards bag? Should have stuff in it.

I ignored it..

This morning @ 9:30am

H: Did you get my message last night? How are the kids doing?

Me: Yes, found it. The kids are ok, back to school tomorrow.

H: Glad to hear they're on the mend. I'll get that present wrapped the next time I see the kids.

I never bothered to reply... I don't know where he'll wrap it? I've said he's not coming in...

I did send him about 8 pics of the kids via email. No msg, just the subject line.

He never replied or texted about it so I don't know if he got it *shrugs*

This is the first time I've been cold and said we're done. I don't know if it will make him realise anything, probably not.


Also about the pizza thing.. my H has a wheat allergy, and he used to get love bite looking marks on his back but never EVER saw one on his neck......

I can't do this crap any more.

Yesterday, I trapped a nerve in my lower back, the pain was immense couldn't walk, breath anything, I just felt so sick. My daughter had to help me cook dinner, which she loved, but I felt awful I was crying my eyes out. I never told him anything. I'm on my own now.


Pit, I actually went to the Doctors on Thursday and broke down to the doctor, he's got me into councilling and put me on anti depressants.. I've been on them a few days now, I'm not really sure if there's a difference as yet, apart from feeling tired and nauseous.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've gone dark since, Monday, only texted regarding our ill children. I let him text first then I reply with a short straight to the point msg. I am really quite ill at the moment and I haven't told him a thing about me.

I am finding it very difficult. I am having nightmares again 

He is moving into his house share this weekend and it's my birthday tomorrow this is the first one in 15 years without him... It's been 5 months. I know he's never coming back. I just want to tell him I love him, ask him if he's happy... this wont help me will it?


How do I learn to switch off? How do I stop loving him?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

You can stop loving him by meeting someone else. This guy sounds like such a ****. I think he knows you're letting him walk all over you and now you want to tell him you love him? Think about that...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Today he moves further away, not seeing the kids this weekend at all. I feel quite emotional today.


13th, how can I move onto someone else if I am still 'hooked' on my Husband?

I don't want to feel like this, he has checked out completely. And I don't know how to hate him, I want too... he's treated me like sh1t. 

Any advice on moving on would be very welcome


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

You move on by taking it day by day. Cry when you feel like crying and laugh when you feel like laughing.you deserve better than this. 

I have followed your thread and this is what I see from it. You are emotionally drained and confused by this man who has changed into someone you don't know anymore. You are also dealing with an illness. You also don't understand how the man can desert his family like this. These are totally normal feelings but I saw as read this that you can not stop contact with the man. Yes, right now, your feelings are really hurt and you say your done with him and proceed to text or engage into a conversation with him. The people on this site have repeated to you,no contact. I know harder said than done. But everytime you take the advice of members here,you get a response from him. Deleted him from facebook,he gets mad. Wants to know what mommy has done,too bad! These people know what they are saying! Listen. Reread your thread. See where you got a response. Trust people here,they can help you.

I also feel that you have moments of doubt. Doubt that you can do it and then you give in. Yyou do have the strength! You are battling a serious illness and trying to raise three kids! You are doing it now because you have found the strength within because of your kids. Now stop going back and forth for yourself! Find the strength within yourself to stay completely black. Turn the phone off,go to the park with the kids! Anything you need to do to keep engaging him. When he has visits with the kids,have a trusted friend be there instead of you.can't leave? Then go to your room and shut the door! He needs to feel what it will be like not being in your life anymore. Regardless on what you say right now,you let your emotions at the moment rule your head. When you do see him cause you have no other choice, look your best,even if you are crying inside,smile! Show him that you can move on without him. 

Personally, you do deserve so much more and granted we don't know every single detail in your marraige but the fact he has put you through this while you are ill and not putting forth an effort to take the children after your treatments,shows you that the man you loved has changed. How do you find a person that will treat you better? By working on yourself first,then when the time is right you will know that special someone. Sending you hugs and prayers!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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