# Is she leaving for good, or time away???



## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

I hope some of you might be able to enlighten me... I'm so confused about where my wife stands right now. Any conversation we've had she continually flip-flops on what she says. Sometimes her actions say one way then the other... 

Short version of the story, for the first couple weeks of May she didn't want to be at home, kept going out often. Said she didn't want to deal with "this". As of mid-May she said she was going to stay at her parents for awhile. She's been there a month now and has moved all her stuff out a couple weeks ago. She now confirmed with me that she's looking at an apartment to share with a girlfreind of hers and the contract would be for a year. She has moved her paycheque from our account to her own, has given back the house key and hasn't been wearing her wedding ring since the beginning of May... That's her actions...
This whole time though, she has said one thing then another that is conflicting.

Here's some of the things she's said:

"You are right, I need to do something with my life" (she's been down about not going to school and not getting the position at work she really wanted)
"I think I need to be away from everyone for awhile to figure things out"
" Please be patient with me, I need to fix myself"
"Don't worry, I love you"
"I not sure how much I love you"
"I don't know if I'm still in love with you"
"ok, here's what I want, to go on dates, to the park,etc..."
"I feel that I need to be on my own for a bit, I've always depended on others all my life" ( she lived with her parents and then moved out with me)
" I think we need a separation...at least that's what I've been told." (4-5 of her friends are going through or are getting divorced right now
" I am so upset that all my freinds are getting divorced, it makes me question am I really happy"
" I still want to go out for dinner with you, maybe camping, but I don't want to give you false hope."
" Maybe in 2-3 months I might figure out that this won't work (moving out) and I will want to come back"
" Maybe in a year I might want to come back home, but if you've moved on, and there's no place for me there, then I guess I'll have to deal with my mistake"


Any ideas/insight please???
I'm meeting with her tomorrow to go to the Zoo together! I asked her and she said sure.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Well she is definitely confused on a lot of issues. Her love for you, her own self worth and security, what her future might hold….. Most of her statements reflect confusion not a clear statement that she wants to leave. Questioning her love of you is probably the key one I see here. That she is willing to meet with you for a day at the zoo is good. She wants independence to sort out her feelings but not at your exclusion. In order to win her back you will need patience and support. Give her your love when she is accepting of it but give her space when she is not. Are there specific factors in your relationship that you are aware of that might be driving some of this? How long have you been married? Are there any kids involved?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think shes just going through the normal emotions. i do it. i do it when i think" is my relationship going n e where." 
also when ppl split up, you think its maybe what u want. 
"do i want independence"
partying - going out again.
i agree with the above, but take the time to get to know eachother again. court eachother again - trip to zoo . FAB.
its a start. 
it doesnt mean the end, sometimes a new beginning.
tip for you - when you go out, dress nice, shave and good aftershave on . - i bet you get a comment.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

We've been together for 8+years. Dated for 2 yrs. (we both lived at our parents), then moved in together renting for 2 yrs, then bought a house that we have been in for 4 yrs. We've been married for approx. 1.5yrs. No kids, but we were just starting to try a few months ago. She said she wanted to have kids by 27 and she just turned 27 approx. 6 months ago. I'm 29.
She has always had lower self esteem, hasn't set or attained any goals, and complains a bit that she wasn't very social back in highschool. She has wanted to get out of her job for a long time now but doesn't have the schooling to get a better quality job. Just in the last 6-12 months 3-4 of her close freinds who were also married around our time are all getting divorced.

I just don't know if she feels it is over and is moving on and just being nice to me, or what


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You will need to communicate with her closely to try and discover if there are other issues at play. I strongly suggest counseling for you as a couple. This may take a long time to play out so be patient and supportive of her. If she has low self esteem try and help build her up with her qualities. Don’t dote on her, give her space but let her know you are there for her, that you care and that you love her. Take care of yourself during this period. Emotionally and physically. Do what you can to make her want to come back. Change habits that bother her. Work out if you need to lose some weight even if you don’t it will make you feel better.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

Thanks for your input.
I was already planning to go to a marriage counsellor. When I book the appointment I was going to call her or email her and let her know that I'm doing it for myself but would like her to come. I'll give her the date/time and place and see if she is willing to attend.
It really hurts me though that she has taken off her wedding ring...I really want to question her about it...How much should I try to dig in for information??? 

I am still being there for her. The same night I asked her about going to the zoo, her car overheated and she called me. Wanted to know what to do. I do all mech. work on our vehicles but she was too far away. Set her up with a shop I know , they took care of her and I paid the bill. She said thanks.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The removal of a wedding band is an emotional as well as physical separation from one’s spouse. It does not however mean she intends to hang around bars as a single person if that is what you are concerned about. She simply does not feel married at this point. She is still coming to you with needs so she still recognizes she has not completely disconnected. How far do you push for answers is the million dollar question. I guess as far as you can without making her terribly uncomfortable or without starting an argument. Good move on sending her the time for your first session. I hope she attends.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

So should I let the zoo event be a happy, spend quality time together without any questions and enjoy eachothers company event or should I try to get some answers? I'm kinda feeling I should let her have her space a bit and let her get comfortable with me again. For the last few months our conversations have been only about whats going on in the relationship, and I think she might start feeling like the only reason I want to get together with her is to discuss only that topic, not toreally be with her...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How hard do you push her for answers and how well do you listen to her?

Did any major thing happen around may other then her going out more?

Personally it sounds like she is testing being single and I think she is heading that way.

draconis


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## [email protected] (Jun 11, 2008)

Update:
She told me Tue or Wed(the night I asked her) that she would call me yesterday night or tonight becuase she wored until supper to set up a time to go to the zoo. She never called, left a text or an email. It's 1am and now I'm upset....

Draconis: I haven't pushed at all really for answers.... I didn't listen well before, I admit, but I'm trying to listen now..... So if she's testing being single what can I do???????


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

There isn't a whole lot you can do, however, my advice is to start looking at yourself as a person. Find hobbies that make you happier. Go to the gym to shed some pounds and relieve tension. Start a journal to understand what you are going through and really kick back and look at what you have for a relationship and all the things done wrong.

I lost my first marriage. I learned so much even though it was a very hard lesson. My 2nd (current) wife and I have a fairy tale wedding mostly because I learned the ways to really communicate and listen well. It took some time to learn to trust my second wife because I got burned by my first wife.

If you make yourself a better person you are in a win-win situation. She might see the change. See you are happy. Know that you are not dependant on her to be happy. She might find you are smart or strong in character. Or if the worst happens atleast you will be a better person for the next relationship.

I wish you well, We are always here.

draconis


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

It's Sat morning and still no call yet. I don't know if I should contact her? Maybe she's waiting for me?? BUT she told me she would call one of the last two nights to arrange a time.
I don't know if I should just drop contact with her all together or call her to ask what's going on. 

I want this to all work out! I'm willing to be patient, let her do her thing for awhile, though a year is too long. I can't sit around for a year paying the bills on our house and not having sex for that long!! Until I know that she has really made the move to end this marriage I will not be with anyone else.

I've asked her for dinner and gave her flowers one of the days she came over a few weekends ago to grab some clothes. She said yes but was busy for the rest of the week. So I said I'll leave it up to you to tell me when we can do that. I haven't got asked about it for about 2-3 weeks now...
Now I ask her to go to the zoo and she says yes, and now the day of the zoo date, no contact back!!!

I've tried to keep in contact and try to do new things with her, social things like above. 
Should I just drift away and work on myself and see if she misses me or keep trying to have open contact???


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

Update:
I sent her a text message asking if she still wahted to go to the zoo and why she din't contact me like she said she would.
She sent back and said sorry she thought of it but then forgot because she was busy both nights after work. Thing is she said she still wanted to go. So, we made plans to meet and I jumped into her and we went! I really enjoyed going with her, she looked great. I cleaned myself up too hoping she might notice... Anyways, we talked a fair bit in the car ride there about what we've both been up to. Partying with our freinds, her new job she starts next week, and other little things. It was quite nice and we didn't seen awkward as much as I thought we might. Once at the zoo, for once in our relationship, we took our time seeing the sights, shared some mini-donuts and walked the whole thing (2.5-3hrs). Time went by really fast actually. She was comfortable enough to lean a bit into me when I pointed out a hiding animal, we walked side by side nearly touching a lot of the time but never held hands or anything. I wanted to but thought that might be pushing it. We sat at a bench near the end to take a break and we sat inches from eachother and we talked a bit more about ourselves and what we had been doing/things that had happened. Most of the time there wasn't much eye contact but at that time I found myself staring at her as she talked and she looked me right in the face and kept talking a few times. I felt a bit of a comfort connection there and it didn't seem to bother her either. In the end she drove me back and we had more small talk. When I got out of her car I said thanks so much for coming to the zoo, I really had a fun time. She nodded and had a bit of a smile on her face. I said well, I'll talk to you again sometime soon or give me a call. I got out of the car and said bye. She said bye. 

Now I get home, she's not here and I'm lonely. Spending that time with her made me miss her more again. I wonder if she felt any chemistry like I felt or was she doing this just to be nice or out of pitty? 
When should I contact her again???? I think now the next time we get together I'd like t talk to her about our relationship and where it's going....

Thanks for your input!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It might just give her something to think about. I wish you the best of luck.

draconis


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

call her in a week. give her time to think. or txt her something nice.
i think your starting to answer your own questions , which is good.
like you say the next time mention your relationship.
dont be to hard for a response you might not get it.
but you two can still have fun.
after all she did not let you down for the zoo.
why dont you try something next week with her.
a trip somewhere, maybe she has an idea. this way you are asking her for her input. 
i am quite sure if she were inches from you, there is a chemistry.
as a woman myself, if i dont want to be by someone, i wouldnt go to a place with him, uncomfortable. as for the closeness, same again. but she obviously has a closeness to you. 
next time, try a touch. 
you wont know until you try it.
what about a hotel. only a suggestion. 
i suppose i say hotel or similar because it gives you the opportunity to be alone to talk. no mobiles. leave them at home.
you also know at a hotel you will be in the same room. 
this might give u the indication for the future. 
i wouldnt give in just yet. it all takes time.
i hope that when u did go to the zoo, that you told her your thoughts on how good she looked, and not kept them inside your head.
tell her your thoughts.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

thanks draconis, i need as much luck as I can get....

Justean,
I think I'll do as you say, give her a week, even though I want to call/text/email her today, I see that I need to give her time to think and hopefully miss me? Yesterday after the zoo I was quite upset, my heart was yearning to spend more time with her. I wonder if she had the same feeling? 
I think the hotel thing might be a bit pushy though. She might read into it that I want only sex from her. She has complained over the last couple months before moving out that she wants closeness that doesn't lead to sex (such as cuddling on the couch or in bed). She says sometimes she just wants to cuddle and wants me to cuddle back. Our sex life over all these 8 yrs has always been pretty light. Average of 1-2 times a month. She has admitted a long time ago that her sex drive all her life has been low.

I agree on taking a trip somewhere, but I don't know if she will make a decision on what to do. She has always waited, and is still waiting for others to make decisions for her....she has always liked it when I make all the plans for and "event" together.

All these years she has complained that we've never gone camping together. She loved doing it with her family when she was young and has always expressed that she really wants to go camping with me. Maybe I should set that up? We did have plans a month ago but it fell through because we didn't realilze it was mothers day that weekend. She told me she was really excited about it, after that weekend of not going things started to get worse btwn us.....as I refect back on that.

I have the weekend off and I think she does too. You say give her a week to think but should I let her know sooner (mid-week) about camping becuase she could make plans in the meantime? I guess if she really wanted to go with me she'd break her plans. I know her friends would understand.BUT I'm scared she will say no. Or, she will go just for the camping, not to work on the relationship. Or, what do I do if we're there and she says it's over for sure? 

My wife has one problem....she will do things she doesn't really want to do to make another person happy. She doesn't like when others are mad at her and will continue to try to be friends/friendly/etc just so the other person doesn't get mad.... how do I know she's not doing that?????


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

Oh yeah Justean, yes I did complement her on her hair and what she was wearing and that she looked good.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

more suggestions then, if she prefers you to take control , then do so. that wont hurt, because she is telling you what she likes.
if you think you need to , try a mid week txt, tell her your thinking about her.
suggest the trip.
but i remind you , it no different to hotel idea. 
it could lead to sex, but hey your both adults. 
unfortunately i have a very high sex drive, i dont know what it like to have a low libido. 
but if that is something you are used to , then its you that understands.
not n e trip has to lead to sex. i. e hotel, camping. at home.
take that opportuntity to touch and hold her. 
its a start.
your still making decisions in all of this , which you are doing really good.
a tip for you, when my hubby and i split ( his one night stand) our hotel was already booked. 
he begged me to go, i continued to say no, no, and i gave that response for 2 whole weeks. in the end i got fed up of him asking and it was only on the day i changed my mind. we had a fab time, meal and talking and just being around eachother was fun again. 
you say she might say no, dont except a no.
she obviously likes you in control, so take it. 
as for your wifes one problem, i think you need to ask her that.
when you discuss your relationship.
my hubby and i dont wear our wedding rings, im to scared, he took his of the other day. but we dont have expectations. 
so what im trying to say is, space and time wont hurt you. 
you can both learn from eachother and have fun again.
relationships go through a lul at the best of times.
its because some ppl, think the grass is greener.
fortunately for me, i know its not. enjoy what your given .
i hope you got some good kit on went u, went out with her and aftershave. 
so what was her reaction when you said you thought she looked good?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i have another idea, but if im gettin on your nerves or to personal please just say.
ok, whats your wifes star sign, pisces etc and what is your sign.
you might think im nuts, but i believe in all that and i might understand your natures through this.
there might be other ways forward.
but thats up to you.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

My wife's sign is capricorn, mine is Taurus.
I think I'll contact her on Wed or Thurs to see if the camping thing will work. I'm not going to ask her for the whole weekend, becuase she has expressed whating to be more social with her freinds and all that but Maybe Sun night since it's a long weekend?? I think spending the day together and one night should be plenty. I don't want to us to run out of things to talk about or get awkward. I want to leave her wanting more hopefully.
I'll let you know if she says yes or not.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ok so i wil get to work on your signs. 
i thought about this last nite, why not try asking her to stay with you for the nite at home. 
its easy. 
get a movie in . bottle of wine.
its a simple move, 
camping maybe a complicated trip for one nite.
wed or thurs sounds good.
if you have made no contact with her, then she will see that your giving her space.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

heres what i found.
dont take n e of it literally. but it might help with direction. this is going to b a long one. 
preparing you.
taurus and capricorn - both earth signs, so your quite compatible.
positive traits - sensual, focused, committed, patient, reliable , enduring
negative traits- rigid, materialistic, hesitant, stagnant, conservative

taurus - associated with a strong love of beauty, affection, refinement and sociability. your sign has a need for material comfort and physical pleasure. love of fine food and wine. 
your emotions run deep and you are passionate. 
you can often stay in relationships long after they have served their purpose. 
capricorn - security conscious and have a drive towards commitments. structure and tradition are important elements under this sign.
they are committed in relationships, and it is rare for a capricorn to leave a spouse or family.

in general - the taurean is grounded, practical and fixed in opinions.you also work hard to accomplish goals. taureans are emotionally insecure, despite their air of confidence and security, they need to feel wanted and tend towards posessiveness in relationships. 
taureans have a tendency to dominate and take charge.
much of life is lived for others, they need to learn to address their own needs in relationships. 
in summary taureans are sensual , nurturing and generous 
and make wonderful partners.
Mr taurus overview.
require life to be complete in all aspects, from working life to relationships. when establishing a relationship, initially cautious and once cupid has struck, then your in hook line and sinker.
your also good on the domestic front, wont shy away from household chores. he does not expect his partner to be the sole nurturer in the relationship because he has good instincts , in that he knows what his mate needs and is always keen to provide with the best he can offer.
your stubborn. certain opinions that you have and beliefs you find difficult to change. thus making it difficult to adapt to partners requirments.
partners can often end feeling there lives are like on an never changing treadmill.

ms capricorn - an overview.
she has learnt from childhood to put business and responsibility before pleasure. emotional outsbursts are not this womans style.her hard exterior can make herappear distant and unapproachable. but really this is just a front for her persona.
she will b happier if she can have her own goal to aspire to, rather than living her life through her partner.
she is a serious person. but she is traditional and orderly.

Ms capricorn and Mr taurus.

you have a strong connection. but you need to appreciate one anothers desires.
Ms capricorn can appear detached , but she remains defensive to her partner.
as earth signs you need to learn how to express your needs verbally, so that you can gain insight into eachothers frustrations, and only if you can break down these barriers, you can build a close knit and secure future.
you wil both proceed with caution until you find a genuine trust, then things wil speed up. your both interested in long term commitments and wil alwasy prefer marriage to living together.

in the bedroom-
although suited on many levels, physical passion is unlikely to be the driving force behind this union. but its not to say that they wont find a comfortable physical relationship together. 


hope that was ok and not too long.
lmk what u think.
please bare in mind, i dont know u, or what you look like. 
so this is a long shot.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

Thanks Justean! It matches both of us quite well!

Update:
Wife needed papers from home to sign up for school so she contacted me. I was heading her way after work to do some shopping so I decided to meet her and give her the papers.

So I asked her, "What are you doing this weekend, would you like to go camping just for a night this weekend?"

Her response was No, I'd just feel too uncomfortable right now. I tried to dig a bit deeper so we started talking..in the middle of the store parking lot for an hour.
She says that right now she feels it's over, she feels we're more like friends. She doesn't think of me as her husband. She says she's happy being on her own right now. She says she's on a rollercoaster of emotions with her moving into an apartment with her friend (contract 13 months) and is scared in a way to be on her own but feels she needs to do it. She says she still questions our whole relationship of 8 yrs and is not sure if she was really happy, that there were good times and she had a good life materialisticly, but overall was she really happy? I told her I know things are awkward btwn us, why wouldn't it be but we need to keep the channels of communication open and meet to talk, email and phone. I told her this is what I want. She says she agrees but is hard becuase of the akwardness.

She says that when I call she's scared and doesn't want to answer the phone. She waits till voicemail. I asked why and she said something like "I don't know why your calling......and that scares me!", "You might be calling to say you have a lawyer, or maybe your calling to say it's over and done!". "But if you leave a message and it's say that you need to borrow something, I'm kinda like, wheww, ok, no prob and I'll call you right back."

I'm still so confused about what is going on that I'm almost ready to give up. Walk away because it's killing me inside and she's not will to make an effort into our marriage. She said that she is going to go and see a lawyer just to talk about what needs to be done for a separation and for our house etc. Yet still in the same bunch of sentences about getting the separation she talks that I don't know how I will feel in a year and if she wants to get back together that all we spent was a bit of $$$$ for that paperwork.

Do I walk away and gain my sanity? Do I send her an email saying I can't try anymore, I love you and want to be with you, but you hurt me too much and I need to move on right now. I don't feel we can be friends like she says, becuase as soon as she starts dating etc. I will be crushed. 

I don't want to back off and not talk to her and keep the channels open for fear that she will think I've given up.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

like me with my hubby. she is giving you very mixed messages.
i.e not answering the phone because shes scared you say its over.
but in the next sentence shes calling a lawyer about the house.
very confused person is she.
i can tell you from my experience with my hubby. to be honest i was in a bad way after hubby did what he did.
it was crucifying , after 13 years together.
but even after a short period of time, he wanted a quick fix. 
wanted it all to go away and focus on family and wife.
but here is where i offer you my advice.
at a few points, he just got fed up of rejection.
but i have said what your wife has said " we can be friends." i say that because it means getting to a point of peace and being amicable towards eachother. and who doesnt question marriage. 
well i do and most ppl i know do.
she is just on her own rollercoaster at the moment.
but my hubby did not want to wait.
he actually gave the ultimatum." i cannot keep on taking this rejection."
do you want me here or not?

her moving out in an apartment with a contract for 13 months, i admit was a big step for her.
but are her strings being pulled.
what i mean is, do friends and family have a large input in her decisions.?
personal opinion, dont email or txt important information.it has to be a dealt with in a manner thats face to face.

i have split up with my hubby on a number of occasions, drop in the ocean now, but our 1st big one was for 10 months. 
we'd lost love and respect, he met someone.
but you have to remember if she does meet someone, you are split up. 
if you get back together after that , remember it had nothing to do with you . so you cannot chuck it in her face.
when we were split in the 10 months,( this was 10 yrs ago) he met ppl and so did i.
but think about this, we got back. 
time takes as long as is needed. it also took a year after we initially split for him to say the words i love you.
its what you can handle and if you want to fight for it, then fight for it.
when my hubby said ive given up, it did make me think.

but how long has your wife been gone,

maybe try the same tactics my hubby used, but my hubby also said, he was fed up of being dangled like a puppet.

sometimes we dont want to be in situations where we feel forced, but as you know i did meet someone through mine and hubby split. 
i did not do n e thing, but it makes you think about what you shouldnt be letting go of.
i also admit that i stopped calling my hubby after we split, it was best for us at that moment.
maybe just try that for a little.
and dont forget my hubby and i have mentioned divorce. 
sometimes they are just words, sometimes to just test the waters.
i think you need a night out. go out with a family member. and have a good time. even if you dont have the right head on you, a pint in a pub wont hurt. dont get rat arsed.
you need a bit of social at the moment. 
what about a work colleague.
as your free this weekend, just go out. 
play the game. not the waiting game, the having fun and time out game.
you wil end up being more confused yourself if you stay as you are. 
focus on yourself a little more.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

I am going to go out w/friends. Enjoy my summer as best I can without her and let time take it's course for awhile. Today, after a long night of crying and being emotional, I feel stronger. I will get ahold of a lawyer or at least have some names ready for when she lets me know that she has one. I'm just going to have to move on with my life and see if she changes her mind and wants to be part if it again.

Justean,
thanks so much for the info on our signs, I'm going to print it off and keep it around the house so I can read it as a reminder that we are different people but at the same time attached......


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think that your making the right approach. your making decisions on your own. which shows your not allowing her to take full control in this situation, despite whatever the outcome. 
one day i promise you will be doing something innocent and you will find an inner peace.
that inner peace comes from being able to let go.
no, it still does not mean the end. 
it simply means that your able to move on within your situation, because your making the decisions to do things alone.
these are invaluable lessons in life that we all have to conquer.

i have to say this, but im going to miss writing to you.
sometimes focusing on something else, lets you forget your own situation. that has helped me to stay focused in my position.
see we all have our ways.

i hope you contact me in the future. send me a message from time to time. update.
if you want n e more advice, dont hesitate.

im glad the signs helped.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

Thanks so much for continuing to write. I will try to stay in contact.
I got a text message from her today.... while I was at work.
She said," I got the apartment! Just so you know." She must know how I feel about it, that I hate it, so why did she text me??? I still haven't responded.....


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think thats the best way.
just try distancing yourself a little. by telling you about the apartment, she is actually asking for a response. 
its the womens way. 
its seeing if you will give in and bite.
of course she knows how you feel. 
but again just waiting for your action.
when my hubby and i split, it was best to stay calm and not be in contact .
i promise you, if you dont get in contact , you will have another txt of her. because its the worry side from a woman, 
as in " oh hes not fighting for me n e more"
"what should i do, if he doesnt want me."
i promise this wil go through her mind.
"what if he meets someone."
i know that you love her, but get her thinking.
give it a few weeks, but she might invite you out.

as for another tip - yes you should go out, u need interaction at this point to help you through this period. 
eventually you will get fed up of going out week after week, so pace yourself.
organize a works night out or something.
where i work, someone is always leaving, there are currently atleast 4 things on offer. one is a bbq in aid of a charity event and the others are leaving meals and clubbing.
if somebody fancies a night out in work, they just put a poster up. 
easy.
but if you dont fancy a night out, and she gets in contact with you at that point. tell her youve arranged to go out with a mate. but stay in n e way.
the less information you give, i know will get her thinking.
i promise there is a real difference between men and women.


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## Lostwithouther (Jun 20, 2008)

Well Justean, just giving you an update, though there's not much to say. It's been a few days since that text about the apartment. 
I think I'm a scared about how I've been feeling the last few days....
While at work I don't constantly have her on my mind and am happy while there. Still when I get home it's pretty lonely and I write letters to her, that she will probably never see, but it helps to get my thoughts out. 
I feel that I don't want to talk to her anymore. Not even text her or email. I don't want to see her. Maybe because every time I see her she just wants to talk like friends and pretend that nothings going on. She has made no effort to work on things btwn us and says she's happy now away from me. 
Like you asked above, "are her strings getting pulled", I would have to say yes. She's moving in with someone that's also getting divorced and the husband is being a real A$$. She's probably getting motivation there, and from another guy she was hangin around with last month who is divorced and has custody of his 2 kids. Two more of her friends are getting divorced aswell.
I think that she's going for that "grass is greener" becuase she's seeing all her friends going out etc. and she's question our marriage becuase of all her friends problems.
I think she will crash and burn sometime soon, but I'm starting to have bad feelings that I just don't care. "You've made your bed, now lie in it", as the saying goes is kinda how I feel. I don't like feeling this way. I've packed up every little thing in the house that is hers from every drawer, taken down every picture in the house that is of us and boxed it all.

I want her back so badly, I do really love her but, she hurts me so much!!!!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i thought i was right about the strings , but honestly whether you make it or not, it seems that you both need this space. but you are correct in saying that when ppl in other relationships split up, it does have a knock on effect. 
you question yourself and your partner and how you treat eachother and its because divorce or splitting up is the easiest of solutions to problems, you listen to these ppl.
your feelings are totally normal, you are no different to the next person.
we all have ill feeling at times and again your no different, who hasnt said what you have said. i know i have . lots of ppl.
your bad feelings come from you being hurt, thats simple.
as for taking down the pictures, i think its a good move to help you move, that is not bad either.
after my hubby did what he did , one minute u fight for them, then u hate them, then u love them. then u give up. but this is normal to. because give it a little more time and the whole process starts again when something will arise with your wife again. this could b n e thing, but because its your wife, its personal.
one minute your strong, then your weak. its all ifs, buts, and maybes. its just how you deal with it.
i think your coping fine.
i took down n e pictures also, as soon as hubby kicked out. i even ripped up his wallet picture of me. put away pictures of us together.and replaced them with pictures of my children. 
whatever you do, dont really destroy your pictures. 
like you said, just put them in a box and tuck it away.
my hubby since his deed, asked me for 6 months leeway time.
the bloody cheek of it at the time. in hindsight i was ready to give it all up asap. but i still get those emotions at the slightest fall . but it really is early days. despite emotions.
and yes you have been through quite alot of emotions already.
ok so wife has left. but thats why you shouldnt jump into the divoorce just yet.
your having you time. i think your gettin somewhere not thinking about her constantly, but remember you have been together along time. so knocking back all that time together is a heavy blow, especially when you love her. 
i promise if you were not in love with her, this would be much easier.
the less you see her, the easier it will be. the less of emailing, txtin, is easier. 
but you will think about her and dont fight those feelings either.
even coming from my end, i think even the 6 months that my hubby asked for was too long, but in retrospect its not. i go as much as to say a year b 4 u really decide, obviously unless she makes that break.

but thats why you need to do things for yourself. 
to be honest you have no other way.
so what about hobbies, interests. if you enjoyed something in the past, bring it back.

as for hurting someone, dont we all hurt eachother. 

if you look up my profile you can private message me. i dont mind either way. you can see who your speaking to. i promise i wouldnt force n e thing. but the thread you started is now getin longer. 
do you have a name?
if you dont want that either i promise thats fine.


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## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

Greetings LostWitoutHer, I felt compelled to respond to your post because it sounds very similar to what my wife put me through almost 2 years ago now. In September of 2006 we had been married for over 15 years, had a child who was 5 years old, were planning to adopt a second child and had just moved into our first new home together. Two weeks after settling into our new home she dropped the bomb on me. She wasn't happy and wanted some time apart. She blamed herself and said she'd felt this way for over a year. Nice time to tell me, right after buying a house. Anyway, we played the same games you and you're wife are playing. I tried to get her to counseling but she quit after one session. After several attempts I finally got her to communicate her issues. Well, I thought they were legit and maybe she thought so too, at the time, but it turns out they were just ploys to get her more time away while I tried to fix things that she didn't like about me. I tried and tried to work things out with her but she always sent me mixed messages and empty promises. I was in and out of the house spending more time at my parents then with my wife and daughter. I was about to give up. As a last attempt I went to Borders book store and browsed the self help section for ways to fix myself and/or my marriage. After 2 hours of browsing the shelves 3-4 times I came accross a book titled "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You". As I skimmed the pages my experiences were flashing before my eyes. Written on each page were issues that I was facing with my wife. I bought it immediately and read 4-5 chapters that night. By the time I was half way through it I knew I needed to buy her a copy. Shortly after we were talking. She seemed so much more approacable and open minded. We were able to share issues that were weighing on us and work at fixing them. I strongly suggest that you take a look at this book and buy it if it describes her and what she's putting you through. Once you've read several chapter share some of it with her verbally. If she seems interested then buy her a copy. It'll open up your eyes to what both of you are going through. I wish you the best and please let me know how things work out. I welcome you to contact me personally if you'd like to hear more of my story or if you need someone to talk to.

AJ-


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