# What the hell happened!



## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

Hi guys thought I'd post my story and would be great to get opinions.

Background me h45 w44 married 10 years together 12 and a half 8 year old son through IVF one failed attempt have been through lots together but always got through it. December 2017 finally got wife eternity ring and we remortged for five years so full commitment, following year couple of holidays leading up to summer but that's when things went strange. 

We have neighbours who my son was school friends with their son and my wife friends with the mum, she would go round for drinks etc and playdates with the kids. Well one night she came back from there and told me the husband was telling her he was unhappy in the marriage and he had nothing in common with his wife ( my wife's friend), I said to my wife well that's strange telling you that and my wife agreed. 

Now most people I think would have kept away or only went round if their female friend was there but my wife decided to basically start lying to me and made up any excuse to go round, she also one night came home half drunk which I pulled her up on and she became very defensive. There must have been 6 or 7 times when I said why are you going again just put my son through the fence but she would say I think my friend wants a chat but when I asked my son the next day was the mum there he would reply no just the dad and it was mummy who wanted to go round. 

The worst time this happened she had asked me to get my son ready for bed when she got home as I was going out to watch England in a WC game. I came home late and they were both asleep so the next day I asked my son what time he went to bed he said he went round his friends with mummy as she wanted to go round. 

By now my gut feeling was awful but as perfetic as it sounds I didn't really question it I just thought no not my wife there is nothing in it. I was also overweight and lacking in confidence at the time so didn't want to come across as jealous controlling. The summer went on and one night my wife had a night out and I didn't hear from her until the "taxi" dropped her off right up the road from our home, she would never do this as she hates walking on her own in the dark so a big red flag after all the other stuff that had gone on. 

Around this time my wife had a health scare which has since been confirmed as multiple sclerosis, we had also got into a habit of overspending even though we were both earning good money so lots of stresses going on. This I thought explained her feeling more distant and she had also started smoking again after years, which I was constantly telling her off as it can make ms worse, but she wouldn't have it and kept saying I'm fed up with people telling me what to do. 

So it comes to October and I had noticed she got even more stressed about things than normal and we had another argument about smoking and money ,which I ended up throwing my wedding ring ,no excuse but think my summer of feeling something going on but not dealing with it came out. She then told me one night she was unhappy and wanted to separate, it was like being hit with a steam engine, she said there was no point talking about it and I would say within a minute she was telling me I can still see my son and we need to sort money out and oh do I fancy a glass of wine! 

After the shock I did the usual I lost lots of weight started reading again and looked and felt completely different, I think my wife noticed and started flirting again but was still determined this was for the best to separate. Well we had a false Christmas for my son and then told him mummy and daddy are not going to be together anymore and daddy was moving to nanny's ( yep don't know why I let her manipulate me to be the one who moved out) 

My son was devastated as me and him are seriously close,he is a proper daddy's boy. So I carried on working on myself going through all the stages of grief but my wife seemed full of herself I was shocked after all we had been through but decided I could only control myself and being there for my son. There were lots of times were my son would cry and hold me when i picked him up or I dropped him at the family home but my wife would snarl her nose up and get angry at him I couldn't believe it and tons her straight. ( I think this was probably guilt to be honest).

A friend of mine who had been through the same thing said to me I think there is someone else, I said no not my wife and nobody had appeared on the scene. I can remember I messaged my wife to say I would be coming to the bungalow to pick a couple of things up, I turned up and she had all her hair done and when I went in the bungalow which she didn't expect there was a rucksack I didn't recognise a half eaten takeaway and some alcohol. 

This was ten o'clock at night my wife never fancied Chinese didn't drink cider and the rucksack wasn't hers. Again I was still in denial like the previous summer and thought no there must be an explanation for it even though I asked have you had company to which just said really sheepish but again I acted so weak as I was probably still looking to get her back.

It wasn't till April I got a text from her saying just to let you know but l##e ( the her friends husband) the neighbour had asked her out on a date. I confronted her that night and said it all makes sense you and your little friend, she gitcreslky defensive and angry,she forgot to tell me he had left her friend the week before my wife wanted us to separate.

So I texted her asking for her friends number which she sent me but later she texted saying we need to talk I said what about she said everything. I called the other wife her friend and lots came out,she had the same gut feeling that summer as my wife always turned up when she was at work. 

She also told me my wife had told her husband that she was unhappy in her marriage and that we were having problems ( would have rather she had told me, she didn't even have a woman to woman chat with her friend). The husband had since been meeting up with my wife and the kids loads even before I had moved out, I was totally oblivious to this. My wife's friend called my wife about this a couple of times and told her she is not happy or comfortable with this as he was begging to go back threating her in front of their kids letting the kids down not paying for then and sending her vile texts, he also turned up and moved himself back in which ended up with police being called. 

My wife knew all this but still couldn't leave him alone and even had him in my house with all the kids eating tea. I again confronted her and had a big go at her. They seemed to bump into each other loads and my wife even turned up at her friends and told her she needs to be a bigger person in all this and to put her kids first! I couldn't believe she could do this after what she was doing to her friend. 

There is so much more like my wife got an extra job in a pub,( the same one he worked!) My in laws especially my wife's step dad who I had become really close too over the years were furious with her and had guessed something was going on even before we had separated and they were again fully with me. 

So I have had a few deep chats with my wife have accused her of having at the very least an ea which she denies and gaslights me. So here we are my wife looks like she left for her friends husband but he I now know wasn't interested after a while and I have now found out he did the same with his wife's best friend who happened to be one of their bridesmaids! He also has a new girlfriend so has nothing to do with my wife.

So my wife has destroyed our marriage has a husband who despises her has played with my son's life helped wreck her friends marriage ( sorry as my wife says she was just friends with him!) Which is another 2 kids now from broken homes, she has lost my family and friends and is now a single mum with multiple sclerosis working all hours. I am waiting for her to buy me out with her real dad ( he knows nothing of this mess she has made and would be furious). 

To say I have struggled at times is an understatement the anger depression missing my son and home which if I knew what I know now I would never have moved out. Just a quick background my wife comes from a broken home her brother couldn't deal with it he became a drug addict and in and out of prison. Totally different to my close family. 

So as you can see I have no idea what happened really it's like she has thrown everything away for actually nothing but it has traumatized me definitely how sudden and brutal she did it. The funny thing is how it goes round I have got back in great shape and look and act nothing like the bloke she was married too and have suddenly had a few single mums up our sons school say hello. 

My wife found this out and really started flirting, we had a sleepover at our home for my son's birthday and my wife was so touchy feely and giving me her naughty look and when it came to bedtime I slept in my bed she asked were shall she sleep I said up to you, she said I'll sleep in here but no touching with a naughty grin, I said and I take pride in this that's ok I don't want to touch you and went to sleep. 

So I have proper detached from her a hard 180 as she shows no empathy for whatever happened no remorse just feels sorry for herself . I hope this very long post makes sense in some way as I have no idea what she has achieved ( midlife crisis comes to mind health scare financial worries work from home mum,no excuse though ,keeps saying she has found herself!) 

So I am pretty certain infidelity of some sort but her ridiculous fantasy of her and her friends husband didn't happen. Thanks again guys sorry for any grammar mistakes!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ncfc45 said:


> Thanks again guys sorry for any grammar mistakes!


Don't worry about the "grammar" but if you could go back in and break things up into paragraphs, you might get a few people interested in helping. The "Wall of Text" thing is almost impossible to get through. Thanks!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I edited the original post to add paragraphs.

It is much easier to follow this way.


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

Yea that makes it easier to follow thanks


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are plan B. Never be anyone’s plan B.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> You are plan B. Never be anyone’s plan B.


I doubt that his wife was intelligent enough to have any plans, to be honest.


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

No she hasn't she is like some teenage girl now with no idea of consequences thanks for the reply anyway guys


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you looking to reconcile with your wife?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

In light of her illness you might now have much better grounds for gaining primary custody of your children.


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

Hi there I am probably like a lot of people I'm not sure if I miss her specifically especially what she has done or miss the family life and living with son etc, I think if my wife had shown proper deep remorse and really looked at her faults in our marriage like I have done then who knows and also full honesty about all she had done,but as a person I don't think she is capable of that.
The last time we had a big chat she was just feeling sorry for herself so that is a big red flag for me.
So I am just going to carry on with my life I've never been fitter and in shape and as confident as I am now so quite excited about my future with my son 
Thanks


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

Yea this is another thing the way she has thrown everything away for some loser as she has an uncertain future health-wise is mind boggling
As far as having my son I work full time so that can't really happen,we also have a good support network grandparents etc so we will see how the future pans out.
I see my son lots I am his football coach and we are so close and I think getting closer if possible.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

it sounds like you are headed in the right direction and with the right mindset.

You are growing stronger mentally and physically everyday and seeing her for who she REALLY is.

We have seen this before. Heck one guy's wife threw away a marriage and children for a janitor who lived with his parents and had a history of breaking up marriages. Go figure. The cheater fog is strong and hard to see through with sensible eyes.

Her lack of remorse tells you what's going on in her head. Just let her get on with it.
Bravo for making your son your primary focus. And bettering yourself as well. Bravo sir
You are going to be ok.


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

Appreciate that mate


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

Dovorce her and go live a happy life,find some nice lady who will love and respect you and be happy! Your wife is now a used cheater who doesnt love or respect you. You can do so much better than that!


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

Totally agree my friend 
It's amazing since coming on this site it's opened my eyes to all the signs of a cheater rewrite history apparently we had not been happy for years ( she didn't mind the new ring I got her months before!) The sudden brutal end to our marriage, no interest in talking or working on ourselves before we break our sons family up
Then the rug sweeping oh no he was just a friend, she didn't know he had left her friend just before our breakup! A lie I have become friends with the other wife we know so much between us 
I think these cheats think we are all stupid!


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Yes, for some reason if a cheater repeats their response often enough, regardless of the circumstances; they believe the BS will take it as the truth as they are so honest and everything said is taken at face value.

A cheater lies when their mouth moves.

Buffer


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

Yep how many times she has said he was just a friend! What is wrong with me can't I just believe her and forget everything and just be friends! They are in such a foggy world


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

syhoybenden said:


> In light of her illness you might now have much better grounds for gaining primary custody of your children.


To start, that is an awful thing to suggest. She has a special burden that is separate from whatever she may deserve.

Now, at 45, my wife gave me the ILYBINILWU speech and suggested I didn't love her, let's date other people, etc. I think mid-forties are a special period in a marriage - the husband is at his most beta and the wife sees this as the last time for her to jump ship and have any luck to find a "better" man. 

MS causes depression as part of the disease, so this may be a contributing factor. That doesn't relieve her of the responsibly for her many decisions. As you correctly point out, smoking makes MS worse. She only needs one big exacerbation to be laid up and then go downhill from there. 

A friend of mine with MS (who needs help wiping himself), remarks how lucky his wife was to have divorced him before he got MS. Your wife is in a self-destructive pattern. If she hadn't wantonly thrown you and your marriage away, I would advise you to stick with her, but at this point, you will never be able to forget and she may become disabled and then you'll never be able to leave.


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

You sum it up perfectly,on one hand I want to shake and say what the **** are you doing but can't forget what she has done.
You are so right about the beta subject I was so guilty of being this overweight doing loads round the house perfect dad but sulking over no sex etc,I was so unattractive if I'm honest acted how I looked.
It's funny I have completely changed shape lean muscled confident and suddenly it's like I'm this sexy single dad more alpha! 
I always wonder what goes through ws minds when they destroy everything for nothing and the bs works on themselves physically emotionally,when my wife got wind of other attractive females interested suddenly she was definitely trying to put out feelers and flirting etc 
My wife needs to be careful what she wishes for


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

ncfc45 said:


> You sum it up perfectly,on one hand I want to shake and say what the **** are you doing but can't forget what she has done.
> You are so right about the beta subject I was so guilty of being this overweight doing loads round the house perfect dad but sulking over no sex etc,I was so unattractive if I'm honest acted how I looked.
> It's funny I have completely changed shape lean muscled confident and suddenly it's like I'm this sexy single dad more alpha!
> I always wonder what goes through ws minds when they destroy everything for nothing and the bs works on themselves physically emotionally,when my wife got wind of other attractive females interested suddenly she was definitely trying to put out feelers and flirting etc
> My wife needs to be careful what she wishes for


Please stop calling her your wife. She lost that title.
STBXW Soon to be ex wife


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

Yea definitely stbxw


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

ncfc45 said:


> You sum it up perfectly,on one hand I want to shake and say what the **** are you doing but can't forget what she has done.
> You are so right about the beta subject I was so guilty of being this overweight doing loads round the house perfect dad but sulking over no sex etc,I was so unattractive if I'm honest acted how I looked.
> It's funny I have completely changed shape lean muscled confident and suddenly it's like I'm this sexy single dad more alpha!
> I always wonder what goes through ws minds when they destroy everything for nothing and the bs works on themselves physically emotionally,when my wife got wind of other attractive females interested suddenly she was definitely trying to put out feelers and flirting etc
> My wife needs to be careful what she wishes for


With that type of person you only want what you can't have. It sounds as you are doing the proper things to move on and, all else she shows you the s only to get her hooks back in you. She is unworthy of you only contact via text if possible so your 180 plan will be successful. 

What you remember of her is only a memory of what you once thought you had. That person is gone. Do tell her family before she starts rewrites your history. But because of your connection with her, and your helping her save face don't do that. Let her bear the results of her choices. Care for your children and nothing more for her.


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

ncfc45 said:


> You are so right about the beta subject I was so guilty of being this overweight doing loads round the house perfect dad but sulking over no sex etc,I was so unattractive if I'm honest acted how I looked.
> It's funny I have completely changed shape lean muscled confident and suddenly it's like I'm this sexy single dad more alpha!
> I always wonder what goes through ws minds when they destroy everything for nothing and the bs works on themselves physically emotionally,when my wife got wind of other attractive females interested suddenly she was definitely trying to put out feelers and flirting etc
> My wife needs to be careful what she wishes for


I think they can't see the potential inside you and maybe you would have remained that guy forever, had she not run off. You didn't know it either. In that sense, you have her partly to thank for the new and improved you.Sometimes I can feel sorry for them not having impulse control and knowing they screwed up their lives.

But not everyone sees the light and improves themselves. Some guys collapse on in themselves and prove their ww's right


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## ncfc45 (Nov 27, 2019)

I totally agree you sum it up perfectly
My stbxw hasn't the tools to look inwards she goes with emotion and impulse, a dangerous combination for making huge decisions


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