# How do you control your anger when you're betrayed?



## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I hope you'll forgive me if I am treading into territory of which I do not belong.

I have no personal stake in this question (as in I haven't, nor have I been a victim of cheating) but I have always done the macho "if I ever catch my wife, woe unto the man who's caught in it." That's the irrational side of me coming out, I know. Has anyone actually busted the other cheater's face open? I do worry that it will become a reality for me, although I have no reason to believe my wife has been unfaithful. She's pretty much asexual or at least has been. (Of course, there were thoughts in my head from that). I know there are potential legal ramifications of doing something like beating the other person's head in, but has anyone here done it? If you haven't done it, why not? I know it's one thing to say you're going to rough someone up, but it's a total different thing to do it.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Everything I have read on here is pointing to everyone taking the high road and not physically fighting.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

well, I have been in more fights than I can count.......

last time I guy deserved it I bit&*h slapped the hell out of him VERY publicly.

this way you're not breaking a jaw or splitting them open. you get your point across very clearly...and if he wants some. it's on.

but hey, if they were shagging my wife that would be the least they would deserve.

but I would not do anything I would get arrested for.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

As it happens, a man in our village shot the OM in his wife's affair although that was maybe 25 years ago now his daughter is my wife's best friend's sister.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought of doing less than Christian things to the other man in my wife's affair, but instead I frightened him beyond words in a few entirely legal ways and this lasted longer and was far more satisfying.

I can't imagine anybody who has been violent admitting it on a public forum as it is a criminal offence and could lead very directly to prison time. I imagine the board mods would be obliged to report any admission to the authorities.

Edit: I should say, I was getting really rather annoyed with my WW in the worst days of trickle truth etc. but sought individual counselling, which helped me immensely in so many ways and worked immediately.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> As it happens, a man in our village shot the OM in his wife's affair although that was maybe 25 years ago now his daughter is my wife's best friend's sister.
> 
> I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought of doing less than Christian things to the other man in my wife's affair, but instead I frightened him beyond words in a few entirely legal ways and this lasted longer and was far more satisfying.
> 
> ...



huh :scratchhead:


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Perhaps the US is different, but in the UK if you learn of the commission of a crime and don't report it, it could land the site in hot water.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

with the right amount of money anything is possible


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> wounds heal quickly. Keep your head in a pinch and you can do far more lasting damage. Now thats smart revenge!


depends on how you look at it.......

if I'm looking at it from a personal gratification standpoint, the lasting memory of putting someone in their place is pretty damn satisfying........:2gunsfiring_v1:

but as one person said before. kids change everything. I would not do anything to hurt my relationship with my child such as do something stupid that would get me in jail.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

stevehowefan said:


> I hope you'll forgive me if I am treading into territory of which I do not belong.
> 
> I have no personal stake in this question (as in I haven't, nor have I been a victim of cheating) but I have always done the macho "if I ever catch my wife, woe unto the man who's caught in it." That's the irrational side of me coming out, I know. Has anyone actually busted the other cheater's face open? I do worry that it will become a reality for me, although I have no reason to believe my wife has been unfaithful. She's pretty much asexual or at least has been. (Of course, there were thoughts in my head from that). I know there are potential legal ramifications of doing something like beating the other person's head in, but has anyone here done it? If you haven't done it, why not? I know it's one thing to say you're going to rough someone up, but it's a total different thing to do it.


The second time my wife started screwing another guy, I had a neighbor call me when he showed up. I drove home, caught them cuddled on the couch and as he getting up I planted one on his jaw. We tussled and wrestled to the door and I threw him down the outside stairs. I felt much better.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I threw stuff at my husband when I found out he hired a hooker. Bopped him a good one on the head too. I also yelled and screamed at him at the top of my lungs for about an hour.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The xOM in our story knew who I was... Knows I ride with a pretty big motorcycle club. On Dday, all it took was for me to explicitly tell him that if he tried to contact Regret in any fashion that I would kill him. I even asked if he fully understood what I had just said to him. It wasn't a bluff...it wasn't simply a scorned man speaking either. He was a lawyer. He easily could have lawfully done something with what I said. He didn't.

I "controlled" my anger by buying a 100# heavy bag to beat the sh-t out of. So far, it kept me out of jail. My anger has since leveled out. I can say that for a long time I just hoped that someone...anyone would say the wrong thing to me and give me a reason to unleash a bunch of pent up anger. I'm glad that never happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

OM lives in the same town, but doesn't hang out in the same circles. We skipped FWW's high school reunion because he might have showed up. I would have decked him if I saw him face to face. 

I'm not about to go seek him out. Although he is a POS that knowingly started to develop a relationship with a married woman, it was my wife who decided to play along. She made that choice, and I don't think going around beating up every man who might want a piece of ass is going to a very effective prevention strategy. She needs to be the one who can say no. There are plenty of POSOM in the ocean. 

So the proper person to be mad at is the wayward. And beating your spouse is highly frowned upon.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

I have definitely had those thoughts but then I have to remind myself that I live in the US now and I don't want to end up behind bars for 20 years and never see my kids.I think my wife know what I am capable of (hence refusing to tell me who the POSOM was. I have done my fair share of breaking skulls so I know what I'm capable of doing. Hint ,I'm European ,really into football and ex military. A younger me would have killed the guy but years ago I walked in on a guy trying to rape one of my very close friends and he ended up.paralyzed and I almost went to jail ( he dropped all charges) because of it. Now having two kids I would not jeopardize them growing up without a father. But then again if someone hurt or cheated on my daughters I can't say I wouldn't react the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I threw stuff at my husband when I found out he hired a hooker. Bopped him a good one on the head too. I also yelled and screamed at him at the top of my lungs for about an hour.


Oh, how I WISH I could have reacted in a similar manner! But my ex was so into "abuse" that if you were even SLIGHTLY sarcastic, he'd call you "abusive"! 

I was pretty calm when he told me. The following day, he started acting like a jerk. He was talking to his AP on the phone and I KNEW who it was. He would whisper to his teenage daughter about me within earshot. I went up to him and LOUDLY whispered, "It's not polite to whisper so loud that I CAN HEAR WHAT YOU"RE SAYING!" He brought his dauther to school right after that, and when he came home he said, "Are we going to be able to be CIVIL to eachother until you move out?" 
issed:

What's this "WE" crap?! *I* wasn't the one who was being *UN*civil in the first place! At that point I started crying. Poor baby COULDN'T TAKE IT! I'm sure I was at fault for 'trying to make him feel bad'. 

But I'll tell ya...I've had fantasys of walking up to both of them and PUNCHING them, knocking their pretty white teeth down their throats. Just ONCE. If he read what I just wrote, he'd say, "See? I KNEW you were abusive!"

Ironically, between the THREE of us, it looks like *I'M* the one with the _*self-control*_!

Grrrrrrrr!

Vega


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sedatives. And realizing that the anger is mostly for myself, for not noticing red flags sooner, or for noticing them and not acting on them. Anger at another person is just another sort of delusion. We all make our choices in life, and a relationship takes two. Yes, there are despicable people but tolerating them in any way shape or form...the easy way out is to be angry at them. The harder road is to look at the current mess your life got to, and making a commitment to clean it up and keep it clean whatever that takes. Including walking away in part or in while. Compromise is a sorry path when it comes to core values.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

I have only recently been betrayed and as a result am dealing with a lot of anger. I am not a physically violent person, my anger takes the form of a very vicious tongue.
Over the past week I have come to the realisation that directing my anger at my WS or the OW achieves nothing. Anger is unavoidable but I am trying to channel it better. When anger starts to surface I do something to distract from it. Cleaning, fixing stuff, talking it through with someone, anything.
I try to remember that I am angry because two people treated me appallingly and I deserve better. That better includes staying in control and one step ahead.
I also have a rule, before you do something in anger stop and ask yourself 'How will I feel about this from the inside of a police cell?'. If the answer is 'stupid' then reconsider!


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I'd be lying if I said I have never been violent after DDay with my XW, but I never did anything would cause a bruise, lasting damage, or something like that. 
But I did yell and scream at her, and throw things around the house. I have ruined almost an entire set of drinking glasses because of my damn temper. 

Now, I setup something in my garage that allows me to just punch dry wall. 
When I first started, I tried punching through single sheets. Then as my anger progressed, I started using multiple sheets. And that did a pretty good job. 
Also went to the gym. My bench press went up by 50 lbs. during the week following DDay. But that could also be due to another reason...

And I did meetup with the OM. 
I don't like posting what I did because I did find out I can get sued for saying exactly what I did, and while the chances are remote, I also thought the chances of having a cheating wife were remote. And I have learned to just not tempt life. 
But I will say, after our...very thought provoking discussion and argument, one of us had to be carried out by paramedics, the other was escorted out by police. 
I have an active police record, so guess who won the argument.

I would NEVER suggest doing that, because the cost are not worth it to me right now, but it was quite satisfying at the time, and still is. But the cost do not out weight the benefits.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I feel I did a decent job controlling my anger. I only remember getting really angry at her once during this affair, and that was after 3 weeks of lying, and her finally telling me the things they actually did together. Her brother was downstairs at the time, and let's just say I did not have to retell the story to him, because he heard it. One particular line I roared and I felt my body shake from the sound... "I AM THE BETTER MAN!" - she said the OM was a good man, a lot like me.

As for the OM, he had the nerve to say he was going to bash my teeth in response to a text I sent him telling him to stay away from my WW (I did not threaten any consequences, certainly nothing physical). Only he didn't reply to me directly, he sent it through my WW. The threat was capped off with a "Kapeesh?" I was at work when I got that threat, and I saw red all day. My boss said it looked like I was about to murder someone. I am a very calm, patient, non-violent person by nature. But I also had a rough childhood and don't back down from fights.

If his intent was to intimidate, it did not have the desired effect. He told me (through her) never to text him again, so within maybe 30 seconds of getting that message, I had sent him another text (admittedly angry, jumbled, voice text). Then I sent one more text maybe 15 minutes later when it was clear he had nothing to say to me directly. The texts made it clear what I thought of him and what he needed to do to never hear from me again. I may have goaded him a bit with words like "coward, liar, cheat, manipulator, piece of ****, etc" but he never replied.

When I got off of work, I was given a Xanax by a friend who told me to divide it up as it was a big dose. I took it 1/4 at a time. Nothing. I was primed for a fight all day that day, and if that guy had reared his face around me, god help him. It was all I could do to stay home and pace to deal with my anger rather than acting on it. Luckily, a full day of furious anger and that Xanax caught up to me that night. The next day I reviewed my home security measures, added a defensive weapon to my car, and I'm still ready if he ever steps to me or sets foot on my property.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I initially yelled and screamed at husband. But, honestly, I could not experience real anger for awhile. I cried for many months and grieved. I let the betrayal almost destroy me--for it robbed me of self-esteem and sucked away most of my passion for life. A whipped dog does not fight.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I screamed and yelled at WH. Wanted to beat the hell out of OW etc. but did not. Will let someone else handle that. I would like to see WS punch this guy in the nose and bit~#h slap the OW to the ground since he had no problem coming home high to inform me of this affair giving me a physical beating to go with it. Now I dig major holes in the yard (have lots of land) when temper gets to be too much


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a lot of violence that occurs when a BS (usually husband) learns that the other is cheating. Those people generally do not come to a place like TAM looking to handle their hurt and anger.

This is why, when telling the other that one has cheated needs to be done carefully. Some people do not handle the news very well.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex filed a bogus physical abuse charge on me the day she let me know she'd been unfaithful for all but four months of the twenty years we'd been married. This landed me in jail and the restraining orders the judge she favored issued kept me away from her until well after the divorce was final.
The system is geared to land any guy who responds with physical force in jail since it also assumes he's the reason for the break up in the first place.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Stonewall said:


> Its more satisfying to me to see them suffer for longer periods of time. Its the gift that keeps on giving!


Sort of reminds me of the joke, I'm sure everybody's heard, about the guy running from the highway patrol and was finally stopped by a road block. When he appeared in court, the judge ask him why he ran when he would have only got a warning for a busted tail light. The guy said that a highway patrolman stole his wife two years prior and he thought it was him trying to bring her back.
Although its a joke, that story is something you need to seriously think about.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

When I realized things were coming to an end on my Dday, I punched out fridge a few times. Left some shallow dents in it and proceeded to destroy the face of my phone by smashing it against the counter. Why did I break my phone? I couldn't stand her voice at that point and didn't want to hear it again that night.

I also put a few holes in doors, so basically I did everything I would have done to a person, to inanimate objects as I didn't want jail time. Believe me, almost all BS want to annihilate the other party, but for most we also realize it doesn't get you any further out of it.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

I would have entertained a fight with BS so that he could relieve some of his pressure. Problem is, anything more serious than that and he would have lost - big time.

There is one thing you can be sure of in this life - there is always someone out there that is a more capable than you, whoever you think you are, or whatever you think you are capable of.

So my strong advise to you is to apportion the blame where it belongs, get some tools that will help you manage your "macho" side and don't delve into territory that might land you in jail or hospital, or the morgue.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

I clean my guns and chuckle at the sheer destruction I could cause to the OM house or his vehicles with a couple of magazines. (Not violent at all just thinking out loud). Before all the self motivating talks and the counciling, The worst part about it for me was feeling inferior to the other man and all the trash that he talked about me. 

"There is one thing you can be sure of in this life - there is always someone out there that is a more capable than you, whoever you think you are, or whatever you think you are capable of."
PastOM: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Going to jail is not worth it by any means and being macho could wind up getting someone seriously hurt or killed.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

I think for most (not all) BS, they would have had the same thoughts however the reality of the situation is quite different from the gung-ho fantasy in many cases.

If its an ongoing affair, then you realise that whatever brought your marriage to the point of a split is unlikely to be helped by any uncontrolled agression or violence. They are both responsible, and you are generally in more of a depressed/shocked/self-critical state than a hyped up take-on-all-comers state.

That said, I think the situation may be different if it is a case of continued unwanted attention towards your wife by another, or a situation where early intervention could stop the situation spiralling towards a fully fledged affair.

But for most BS', its already pretty much a done deal by the time it all comes to light, and as I said the actual focus at the time is a lot more complex.

Of course, there will be some who will just wade in fists flying, and thats their choice. I don't think its the majority though.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: How do you control your anger when you're betrayed?*

After confronting my wife, she had the nerve to text OM and earn him.
He came to our door at 1am, begging me not to tell his wife...wtf... He asked me to punch his face instead. So why didn't I?
1. I'm not violent by nature 2. He's 1 foot taller than me and in much better shape. 3. He's a police man, and it would have been illegal to slap him, while him screwing my wife is perfectly legal.
I almost slapped him anyway when he begged me not to destroy two families instead of one... Man was I mad and boiling inside.
Today I'm happy I didn't do anything.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Do any of the guys here feel emasculated to the point where they couldn't do anything?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: How do you control your anger when you're betrayed?*



stevehowefan said:


> Do any of the guys here feel emasculated to the point where they couldn't do anything?


That feeling appeared in the following months, before I reinvented myself.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

OP,

The original question about violence is probably innate for most of us. As a betrayed husband, I felt it deeply.

The head has to rule the heart. You can't punish offenders, or you will wind up dead, or in prison. The desire to retaliate is seen all to frequently in the murder-suicide stories we all see pop up in the news. It does make it possible to understand why some cultures put adulters to death.

After finding out that you have been betrayed, it is best to resolve your hate by changing it to something more useful. You learn that physical pain is not as significant as is emotional torment.

Revenge for a wrong is better done by allowing the scum to be exposed, and giving them what they want. This means cutting off your offending spouse, and moving on. 

Then live well, replace them with a better partner, and more fully appreciate a better you and yours. Don't allow their evil to destroy your joy.

Food for thought. Just my opinion.

It is good you are thinking it through in advance. Odds are that you or someone you are closely associated with will get to experience this during your lifetime.


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

One of the OM in my situation is is much larger and more built than I, i thought about going to his house and beating his face in, follow it up with a full can of high grade pepper spray onto his wounded face. That was one of my violent fantasy's, but as others have said, I don't want to do anything to get me a bad reputation or get me a criminal record. Also what kind of example would I be setting for my child? I wont physically harm the OM, but i have exposed 2 already, working on the last one now. That is where i find some closure, when they know that I know, and their spouse is clued in just as I am.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Over the years, I have tried to overcome all the negative connotations of being from the South. However, I did entertain the thought of "goin' all *******" on the POSOW, but without a word, she saw me in the parking lot at the grocery loading my car and I received total satisfaction that she stayed locked in her vehicle until I left. I have on three occasions awakened with my fists in the air after dreaming I struck her in the mouth with a piece of cinder block shouting "Whatcha gonna suck with THAT mouth!"


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

stevehowefan said:


> Do any of the guys here feel emasculated to the point where they couldn't do anything?


Sh!t yeah. i want to tear this mofo apart but the best I can hope for now is that I give his wife the most damning e-mail he sent my WS. The one where he tells my WS he's in an open marriage, and that his W knows about my WS, but that his W would insist on NC if she "...read this e-mail" LOL This e-mail also ends with him asking my WS to start up again because while the risk isn't quite as strong as if his W didn't know a thing, it is still a risk nonetheless. My WS was knocking back his offers at this stage but it would not have taken much for them to start up again IMO.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

strongsad said:


> One of the OM in my situation is is much larger and more built than I, i thought about going to his house and beating his face in, follow it up with a full can of high grade pepper spray onto his wounded face. That was one of my violent fantasy's, but as others have said, I don't want to do anything to get me a bad reputation or get me a criminal record. Also what kind of example would I be setting for my child? I wont physically harm the OM, but i have exposed 2 already, working on the last one now. That is where i find some closure, when they know that I know, and their spouse is clued in just as I am.


Do you not fear that you'd get your face bashed in? I'll admit that if my wife ever cheated, she better hope it's with a dude who was stronger than me (not likely, as I am as strong as an ox), or at least bigger than me (which is always possible). I fear no one, but if I had to chose to tangle with someone, I'd want him to be bigger than me. I've tangled with the smaller fellows, and they can throw down.


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

I don't fear getting my face smashed in. I look at it as a possibility. He's almost double my age, probably 8 inches taller, and a big guy, but I bet he is slow and I am very quick, I'm also in decent shape and have always been very 'dense', its hard to get me on the ground. I was in a decent amount of fights growing up, Im comfortable throwing down with someone bigger than me. But I'm not going to do it unless he comes to me. Not worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Sometimes trash gets flipped up off the road and can wrap around a cars driveline, like a piece of tow rope or something. $hit happens


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The OM for my EX were bigger than me, but remember Wars are won in the Will...

They are bigger but I am a good athlete, educated *******, and I am in shape and muscular. The anger and fury that BS contain unleashed and channeled can really do some damage.

I would have beaten them senseless and enjoyed doing it, but then I would regret it as I would most likely lose my kids and get in very big trouble. It is just not worth it, hence the gym and the heavy bag. 

Do something wise or do nothing at all.


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

badcompany said:


> Sometimes trash gets flipped up off the road and can wrap around a cars driveline, like a piece of tow rope or something. $hit happens


Haha. I thought about loosening the oil filter. Lets them get inconviently down the road before the engine goes bad. One of many fantasies I've had. His payback will come to haunt him one day, it won't be me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I was in shock, I couldn't believe what I was seeing (her with man in coffee shop).. I wish I punched his face in, in hindsight, but I didn't realize at the time the extent of what I was witnessing, I was still in denial to go along with the shock. When that wore off, I did a background check and got the phone # of his girlfriend and sugar momma, let her in on all the details of her boyfriend's long term affair. Told her to check his phone records and keep an eye on him. That was how I dealt with my anger, by helping his GF find someone else to room with. No D needed on her part.. just a simple 'get out of my apartment scumbag'. I hope she finds someone nice, she sounded like a sweet girl.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im not a dude! And I probably couldnt bash anyones head in without a heavy object but I tried.

My WH left home, 3 days later he had a softball game, which I organized. There were players on the team that I worked for (2 guys) and there was a neighbor. These were all people I know and respect and communicate with. OW had the nerve to show up to the field to watch WH play softball with my damn friends. BIG MISTAKE! I got wind of it and showed up. Saw her standing there and walked up and stood right beside her. WH was on 3rd base, imagine the thoughts that went through his head when he looked up and saw me standing right next to the [email protected]!

I told her she had some nerve showing up, she said she wasnt expecting me to be there. I told her she should always be watching cause I might be anywhere. I told her she was an idiot to believe what he told her, as was I. About that time she said she didnt have to listen to this and started to walk away. I am 5'4, 35 yo (at the time), never in my life fought with a sole but something came over me and before she could walk away I was on her like white on rice. All while my WH was still on 3rd base...BAHAHA!

A girl friend of mine tried to get in the middle but was unsuccessful so another softball player from another team got in between us. I wasn't about to let go of her and kept reaching around to punch her anywhere I could. Finally I let go of her and she walked away as fast as possible and my pansy @$$ husband left in the middle of the game. The wife of the guy that got between us said that she saw her touch me first (LIE!) and one of the players on WH's team who I worked for is a cop so he was "coaching" me!  

Lets just say I worried for a minute if she would call the cops but figured she would be risking upsetting my WH by doing that. I ended up hanging at the park the rest of the evening with his teammates and my friends!

She has avoided me at all costs since then!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Had I known or had any suspicion that the OMen initiated the sordid activity with my STBXW, then I'd go after them as well. But I simply cannot, in good conscience!

The evidence greatly suggests that it was my trashy STBXW, who voluntarily did all of the legwork and the footwork in reaching out to them on FB, not to even mention her more than probable and heralded hand, mouth, and pelvic work reserved for later!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If it's never happened to you before, you can never know how you will react to the sudden impact - of finding out your spouse is cheating on you. 

I remember vividly what happened a year and a half ago. I had been working on ways to try and recover my wife's deleted e-mails, just as another way of verifying her denials. 

When I got home from work that afternoon (before my wife got off) I went to my laptop to try something new I just thought of. I added and opened her e-mail account on my computer to see what would happen. Low and behold. Straight to my laptop, the server downloaded thousands of her previously deleted, received e-mails; including thousands of Facebook messages from the POSOM. So many I couldn't begin to read them all at one time. I had read a couple of hundred by the time she got home and we ate dinner with our son.

One of the toughest things I've ever done, was to get through that meal and hold it together like everything was fine. Thankfully, she went to bed early with a headache that night and after reading about 700 or so more, I got enough of the picture. It wasn't just about what they did, but how the POSOM bragged about it and insulted me. That's when I found out how I would react.

I calmly woke my wife up, told her I had found her facebook messages, asked her to leave the house and go to her mother's.
I said nothing else to her and she left.

But in regards to the POSOM...I wanted to destroy him. That feeling has never faded to this day. But I've controlled myself, somehow - because I'm smarter than that. But I now know what it feels like to hate someone bad enough to want to kill them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I learned more than my fair share about my STBXW's infidelity post-separation. I wasn't mad, as I'm, by nature, just pretty laid-back.

I was literally astounded, perplexed, and shocked by what was discovered. Legal counsel advised only letting her family discreetly see the hard evidence about her infidelic activity, only after the divorce decree is finalized, which is the gameplan for me right now.

I still cannot get worked up about it ~ I just remain totally sad, but relieved that it is all almost over with, and that she'll be someone else's problem soon!


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

stevehowefan said:


> How do you control your anger when you're betrayed?


Divorce her. Works amazingly well.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

stevehowefan said:


> I hope you'll forgive me if I am treading into territory of which I do not belong.
> 
> I have no personal stake in this question (as in I haven't, nor have I been a victim of cheating) but I have always done the macho "if I ever catch my wife, woe unto the man who's caught in it." That's the irrational side of me coming out, I know. Has anyone actually busted the other cheater's face open? I do worry that it will become a reality for me, although I have no reason to believe my wife has been unfaithful. She's pretty much asexual or at least has been. (Of course, there were thoughts in my head from that). I know there are potential legal ramifications of doing something like beating the other person's head in, but has anyone here done it? If you haven't done it, why not? I know it's one thing to say you're going to rough someone up, but it's a total different thing to do it.


He's damned lucky we don't live in the same state.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

There are times when I feel SO mad, and if that POSOM happened by, I'd take his ass to the mat. However, I am also a gentleman, and wasn't raised to solve problems with my fists. 

The best way to get back at him is to tell his wife what he did. And his kids.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Acoa said:


> Although he is a POS that knowingly started to develop a relationship with a married woman,


How do you know what the OM was told?

I've met, dated and maybe even screwed married women- trying to think back, it's a bit of a blur but there might have been one or two.

Several women I dated listed their status as "separated and getting divorced" and I was told the marriage is over and it's just about the legal paperwork working it's way through the slow courts.

That could have been the truth OR it could very well have been that the poor husband had no clue and there was no divorce or separation in the works.

Does that mean I'm eligible to get my face bashed in by some guy who was deceived by his wife?

The problem very often is with the wayward spouse, not the other man or woman who could be under the impression that the marriage is as good as over.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

That's why I had my STBXW's phone records/texts/postings scrutinized nine ways to Sunday. The sad fact of the matter is that she was the perpertrator in luring both of her other men in on FB. Sure they were more than willing accomplices for the obvious rewards that they might be getting, but it was her that went into "disconnect mode" with me, then reeled them in like bass for a fish-fry!

Sure, I'm internally upset that they did what they obviously did, but I'm not going after them outside of a courtroom setting for fear of getting my ass physically handed back to me! 

After all, Mama didn't exactly raise herself an idiot!


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I'm with badcompany. Sh!3ererwf happens for no good reason.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wasn't angry at the time. Just crushed. Some time later I did wonder why I hadn't beaten the snot out of the OM, but I am glad I didn't.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I wasn't angry at the time. Just crushed. *Some time later I did wonder why I hadn't beaten the snot out of the OM, but I am glad I didn't*.


*Way to lay off, Matt! After all, you wouldn't exactly want to get crap all over your fists!*


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Like a lot of others here, I did not control anger, it just ran through me and I let it. I think that is best. Sometimes it still does. It's not fun, but it is what it is. Don't give in to any impulse that will cause you more trouble. Ask Juicer. I called OM a few times half thinking I might be able to reach through the line and rip his lungs out. Oddly, talking to OM dissipated a lot of the anger. I started to feel sorry for him. He came across as a hapless and pathetic character. And slightly moronic. How can you be angry at a moron?


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