# Confess cheating or emotionally grow to deal with guilt and make a better life?



## linda.trotsky (Oct 30, 2013)

I cheated on my husband while we were still engaged and lived in different cities. I felt terribly guilty after that and wanted to tell him but friends convinced me that confessing is selfish and it won't do any good. Its been a month since we live together now and my feeling of guilt doesn't go away. I got colder to him because every time i think of hoe much i love him - i think that i have no right because i betrayed him.

Should I confess? If I do, I know he will not forgive me. If not, can I live with this and make a happy life together? Would time lessen the guilt? Please help.

Thank you.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

linda.trotsky said:


> I cheated on my husband while we were still engaged and lived in different cities. I felt terribly guilty after that and wanted to tell him but *friends convinced me* that confessing is selfish and it won't do any good. Its been a month since we live together now and my feeling of guilt doesn't go away. I got colder to him because every time i think of hoe much i love him - i think that i have no right because i betrayed him.
> 
> Should I confess? If I do, I know he will not forgive me. If not, can I live with this and make a happy life together? Would time lessen the guilt? Please help.
> 
> Thank you.


my dear, I don't know how to respond this without coming out as bashing you. but I try to do best.

there are lots of things wrong with these paragraphs that you wrote. let's see. you cheated on your fiancee. you didn't tell him the truth so he could have a choice based on full awareness of his relationship with you. and unfortunately, still you are not concern about the fact that he has a RIGHT to know this and make a decision (forgive/divorce) base on this fact. you're still trying to say that it was your friends that convince you to lie about it. so you are not taking full responsibility on that choice either. basically you are more worried about your own feeling than your husband's. what kind of love is that?

sooner or later by someway that can't possibly imagine he would know the truth. the more time you delay this, the more pain he will feel when he finds out about it.

just tell him truth plain and simple and let him make a decision about it. you feel a lot better. trust me.

PS: please let go of your friends. friends want best thing for their friends. they don't give them bad advice. they are not good friends.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you really loved him why would you cheat on him? You had to know he might possibly find out and it would kill him? Would it bother you if he cheated?

Does he know the other man? How long did it go on?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Know that when he finds out on his own (not if, when) those "friends" who prevented you will be the first to go, if not as per your husband's request, then as per your own decision for the good of the marriage.

Provided you're not booted even before those friends.

If you tell him with sincere remorse, your marriage may have a chance of survival. But if he finds out on his own, according to your husband's view on infidelity, either you're done for good or you will have some pretty bumpy road ahead.

Tell him.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Honestly, you shouldn't listen to people saying that confessing is selfish. Marriage vows should be taken seriously. It's a sacred promise.

It's best to confess. Most people would rather learn the painful truth then live a lie. 

Yes, it may seem selfish to break your husband's happiness. But really, do you want this man to be happy in his life not knowing you betrayed him and broke your vows? It's unfair. It's not the same as hiding an F+ you got on your math test from your parents.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Linda,
How would you want your husband to treat you? Would you want him to confess to you?

You sound like a nice person who made a really bad decision. Redeem yourself and tell the truth. Otherwise it will eat at you for the rest of your life. Always live in the light.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

linda.trotsky said:


> I......wanted to tell him but friends convinced me that confessing is selfish and it won't do any good.


:wtf:


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Trotsky, 

You are very immoral and a very bad person. Ok, now let me help you.

If you don't tell your husband then you will have that gilt in your marriage and it will rob you of your joy. Until you tell him, you will be very, very unhappy, and the marriage will be cursed.

He has a right to know. Had you told him before you married him, he would have the choice to go along with the marriage or not.

But you robbed him of this choice.

I would suggest you tell him, and give him that option. Apologize, and promise that you will never do that again. Respect his answer no matter what. If he keeps you, then you have a good chance of having a lot of joy in your marriage, eventually. Or not.

Oh, and your friends are immoral. Get new friends no matter what you do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Step one - you should dump your so called friends because they have no morals. 

Step two - answer thus honestly , if you really loved your husband why did you choose to betray him?

Step three - answer honestly again, why should your husband stay with you ?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Linda,

The question you are asking is can you live with the guilt?

I think the answer is no.

You are upset by your actions. You are starting to be angry with him. Taking your bad decision out on him.

You know what to do. Be honest. 

Who knows. He might see your remorse and love you enough to forgive you.

And if not and he decides to end the relationship you will have learned a very valuable lesson.

Don't cheat. Don't lie. The night of pleasure just leads to days, weeks and months of pain.

HM


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

linda.trotsky said:


> I got colder to him because every time i think of hoe much i love him - i think that i have no right because i betrayed him.





Chaparral said:


> If you really loved him why would you cheat on him?


I just wrote in another thread how women who cheat have a low romantic interest in their spouse. She doesn't love him in a romantic sense even though she thinks she does (or is afraid to admit it after she went through with the marriage) Read the above about how she's colder to him when she thinks about how much she loves him. A woman who loves her man ain't going to be cold to him even if she ran over her own grandmother. 
Her guilt is not over the affair. Its over her revelation she married the wrong man and its manifested into coldness (because she's crazy in love with him)
She needs to tell her old man and put an end to this charade before any more damage is done.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Mm. A great disturbance in The Force, I sense. Leave the building, Elvis will.

I guess our questions along with the truth hurt the waywards. Of course, the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the.. ummm wrong response

If only they could get in their spouses' shoes for one second. Just one second.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

why did you cheated?
with who did you cheat? cooworker, friend, stranger
it was a ONS or and affair that lasted many days? month?
Are you still in contact wit this person?
what were the circuantances? drunk, sober

there are things you can meke sure to Improve before confesing, absoluty no contac with the OM, prevent situations that allow something like this to happen again.

Let me tell you, is always more devastating finding for other means that the person confesing the affair.

also, the longer you let to pass time without confessing, the less will be the betrayed spouse able to believe your remorse, 

why?, he will believe that it was not just one time, he will believe you confessed that one time to let you out of your chest, but all the time since the date you say the affair happened you continued cheating on him (an many times they are right).


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

... _my feeling of guilt doesn't go away. *I got colder to him because every time i think of hoe much i love him - i think that i have no right because i betrayed him.*_

If you don't tell him you will continue to feel alienated. Therefore,

_Should I confess? If I do, I know he will not forgive me. If not, *can I live with this and make a happy life together*?_ 

How could you ever expect to have a happy life?

Please tell him.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Time to come clean. Your already tipping your hand when you say that your cold to him. He's going to wonder why and HE WILL figure it out and if he finds out on his own rather than you being honest with him, it will only be worse. If you step up and tell him that you made this horrible mistake, at least it makes you look like you trying to make amends for it. Hiding it just makes you look even worse.

Just to let you know. I don't know who the dim wit that told you that confessing is being selfish is a friend that I have a feeling helped you cover your affair. Maybe not but either way for your own good, you better get rid of him/her. They aren't friends.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you don't tell him (you should - and you know it) then don't ever pisss off one of your "friends" because they'll out you to him in a heartbeat.

Oh, and if you told three friends what happened with the other guy, then by now each of them has told two other people. Bet on it.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Every time I see a "torn" WS come around and ask if they should confess to something they have done and already know the answer to said question, an old quote from John Wooden (UCLA basketball coaching legend) always comes to mind.

*The true measure of a man (or woman) is what he does when no one is watching.*

I would add to this that the only way to regain any measure of character and self respect again is to rid yourself of the obvious guilt that will follow you forever if you don't be honest with your husband about this. You didn't wind up here by accident. You know what's right and not right. And you know what you did isn't right. That's your conscience screaming at you.

You know what you need to, and must, do. 

Like I said, you didn't wind up here by accident.

Don't listen to us if you so choose, but please listen to yourself.


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## alone24 (Jan 15, 2013)

Linda, please tell your husband.

My wife cheated on me before marriage while we dated long-distance. She confessed 3 years later, after we married and had a son (she said the guilt was too much for her to bear).

I will never forgive her for tricking me into marrying her. She took away my choice. Please do not take away your fiance's choice. You made the decision to cheat, now you need to tell him so he can make a decision on whether he wants to continue his relationship with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Either confess now, and face up to the consequences...

...or spend the rest of your life trying to stay one step ahead of him, terrified that one of those "friends" will try to get even with you for something and spill the beans, or that he will notice this coldness and start to look for evidence of an affair. (And don't kid yourself-he WILL find it)

If I was cheated on and my WS had confessed early on, I would think that she was indeed being remorseful and truly want to work on the marriage.

But, if I found out later (again, he WILL find out), I would think that you were NEVER going to tell me, that you were going to keep this little secret, that you and your "friends" were laughing at me behind my back the whole time, that you were continuing this behavior, and then I would assume that you have been lying about everything else in the marriage...

...and trust me, that will DEFINITELY lead to an very ugly divorce.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

step one leave him right away, dont give him a choice and when he asks why tell him you have sleept with half of your town and you think he deserves better. there problem solved feel free to move on with your life and he can find a woman worthy of his love


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Either confess now, and face up to the consequences...
> 
> ...or spend the rest of your life trying to stay one step ahead of him, terrified that one of those "friends" will try to get even with you for something and spill the beans, or that he will notice this coldness and start to look for evidence of an affair. (And don't kid yourself-he WILL find it)
> 
> ...


There aren't enough ways to highlight this point sufficiently. This is the ultimate result of deceit.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

A marriage based on a lie, is just another lie. You lied to yourself in regards to your loving your husband and it's just a matter of time before you cheat again.
sorry


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

linda.trotsky said:


> Its been a month since we live together now and my feeling of guilt doesn't go away. I got colder to him because every time i think of* hoe *much i love him - i think that i have no right because i betrayed him.


Some typos happen for a reason?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

linda.trotsky said:


> I got colder to him because every time i think of hoe much i love him.





linda.trotsky said:


> hoe much i love him.





linda.trotsky said:


> hoe


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

RWB said:


> Some typos happen for a reason?


Awww you beat me to it damn you!


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

waiting until after your married to tell him, when its conveniently HARDER for him to walk away is just as bad a betrayal as the cheating, worse in my opinon...I am assuming the cheating was a one nighter or a brief sexual thing...yes the betrayal of marrying under false pretenses is 10x worse to me than the sex...AND if you wait until after kids its 100x worse...its bad enough you moved in together with this hanging over your head

AND you frickin told everyone but him...your friends know...THAT would make it 1000x worse...just tell him...be honest...and brace yourself...be prepared for forgiveness AND be prepared to be dumped...


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

If you marry him, your marriage will be based on fraud. That! will never go away. In time, there will always be the chance that he will find out. You don't want to be on the receiving end of that resentment. You also need better friends.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Linda, my advice is to come out into the light; tell him. You may wish to do this in the context of marriage counseling. My wife never told, but I knew. In order to survive, I had to distance myself emotionally from her. We are still together, but our marriage is not what it once was, and not what it could be.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

river rat said:


> Linda, my advice is to come out into the light; tell him. You may wish to do this in the context of marriage counseling. My wife never told, but I knew. In order to survive, I had to distance myself emotionally from her. *We are still together, but our marriage is not what it once was, and not what it could be.*




:iagree: I think wazza could vouch for this.


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## LivingBreathing (Feb 21, 2013)

Whether or not to confess to an infidelity. You have already done so...to your friends. It is really hard to believe that "all" of these friends (plural) recommended that you keep silent? All of them? A real friend does not just tell you what you want to hear, they will tell you the truth, even if it is painful. Now, I will be a true friend. If your husband is likely sooner or later to find out about your lover, (and he probably will) you simply must tell him. If you do not tell him, and then he finds out in some other way, the damage to your marriage probably would be worse, perhaps much worse, than if you simply confess now and ask to be forgiven. This does not mean that confessing now will assure you that the marriage will continue in a good way. Far from it. Your husband might be so angry and so hurt that he will decide not to continue with you. You did not say whether your infidelity was a one time mistake, or an ongoing, deliberate deception. There is a difference, however, either way, he might very well conclude that you cannot be trusted even if you claim to be sorry, or he might feel so hurt--so threatened in his manhood and sexuality--that he might feel incapable of continuing with you. That is the risk you took when you gave your body to the another man, and lied to your husband while continuing to have sexual relations with both men. But at least confessing before being found out gives you the argument that you recognize your error, are sorry, and know you need his forgiveness. If he were to find out on his own at some later time, you would not even have that argument to offer.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Why do I get the funny feeling that we aren't telling the OP what she wants to hear, and that we will never see her again?


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## LivingBreathing (Feb 21, 2013)

I am certain she does not consider us "friends."


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Your husband is stronger than you think. Just hope it wasn't with his brother. Truth will come out....After your next affair or his affair from months or years of neglect from you. 

This will not screw up an already imperfect marriage.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

linda.trotsky said:


> I cheated on my husband while we were still engaged and lived in different cities. I felt terribly guilty after that and wanted to tell him but *friends convinced me that confessing is selfish and it won't do any good.*


These types of friends are not friends of the marriage. For your marriage to succeed and if your husband chooses to R, then you need to cut them and any who supported the affair from your life. We are all responsible for our choices, and we must all face the consequences of our actions. Don't we teach our children that? What makes it any different that you're an adult now?



> Its been a month since we live together now and my feeling of guilt doesn't go away. I got colder to him because every time i think of hoe much i love him - i think that i have no right because i betrayed him.


If you are getting colder to him, then he may already know that something is wrong with your marriage. He could even be blaming himself, wracking his mind with things that he could have done. It's truly not fair to the betrayed spouse to have to guess what is wrong in the marriage.



> Should I confess? If I do, I know he will not forgive me. If not, can I live with this and make a happy life together? Would time lessen the guilt? Please help.
> 
> Thank you.


Of course, you should confess to it. You do not get to worry about if he will forgive you. Did you think of him while having sex with the OM or getting your emotional high from the OM? This is just a selfish way of thinking about things. Since *you choose to cheat, your husband should be able to choose to R or D*. He will, also, need to take several tests for STDS.

Can you live with the guilt? I seen many people live with the guilt over something. Overtime, they become a shriveled up form of what they used to be. Guilt will kill you. It will shorten your life, ruin your other relationships.

I don't know how long that you been together married, but you cheated on him BEFORE you took the vows. You should have told him them. He had a right to decide if he wanted to be married to a cheater or not.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Please don't have any children with your husband without coming clean on this issue. It will make for a horrible future for all concerned - especially the most innocent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are cold to him. Does he deserve that? 
If you don't fix this now you might cheat again. Tell him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Why do I get the funny feeling that we aren't telling the OP what she wants to hear, and that we will never see her again?


Yeah, looks like she might be one and done.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Confessing to cheating is selfish? Did I read this right?

Dump your friends!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How many cheaters have confessed when their spouse didn't suspect?

I doubt it's even 1 in 1000. Seriously. Thoughts?

Spouses always sense when there is a change in their partner's demeanour, however subtle. She feels 'cold'. That's not even subtle.

He will find out.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I bet her friends encouraged her to cheat and are cheaters themselves...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

someone90 said:


> I bet her friends encouraged her to cheat and are cheaters themselves...


:iagree: Enablers I bet.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Somehow this idea that telling is "selfish" is out there in the ether (see my own thread on an EA). But here's a theory: maybe it's selfish AND the right thing to do. How can you strengthen your marriage with a dirty conscience? How can you build a loving trusting relationship with someone while knowing you're hiding something from them?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, it's clear you're bothered by the affair and hiding it. So many people are not, and keep it hidden forever. I don't think you can do that, so I think you should come clean - "selfish" or not. (People say it's selfish to confess, because you transfer much of the pain to your partner who then has to deal with all the repercussions, and away from yourself.)


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