# Why does he need space...



## positivethinker (Jul 27, 2012)

This is my first time posting on this site although I have been reading posts on here for a few weeks. There seems to be an amazing support community here and I am so thankful for everything that I have learned and read far. It’s very encouraging.
I have been listening to Mort’s CDs for a couple of months, and re -listening to them. 
My Husband of 12 years first told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore in March. We met in college and have been together 17 years in total.
I was devastated. I knew that our relationship could be better, but with both of using working demanding jobs and raising 2 boys (5 and 8), I just thought that was life for right now. I am very much in love with him and I really want this to work out. I realize now that I did get caught up in my job and didn’t make him a priority, my kids and my job were. After Easter, he moved into the basement. He inquired about divorce and told me we needed to be separated for a year.
He has built up several years of anger and resentment because he was working from home and felt that he was doing more for the kids then I did, while he was trying to get a new business started. He was mad that I would come home 20 min later then I said I would each evening. He made dinner every night because he enjoys cooking. Even when I would offer to cook, he said he would prefer to do it. I also always help out and clean up completely. I thought we had a good system going. I definitely see now that we lost our emotional connection over the years. He was also mad that I went out with my girlfriends one night and didn’t come home until 5am. I realize that it was bad judgment on my behalf but I drank too much, and nothing happened with anyone. But he doesn’t believe me.
In April, while I was traveling he put down an offer on a new house. He sent me pictures and said that it was a good deal. He needed me to be on the mortgage, so I signed it when the time came in May. We went on a vacation with the kids for 5 days in June that had been planned a while ago. It was a great time, but he was very distant. I kept things positive and tried to take the time to connect with him. I didn’t bring up relationships talks at all. We both agreed it was a nice trip. That brings us to present day.
He moved out 10 days ago. We have told the kids that it was just for work reasons. We have been going to counseling since May. He attended himself for a few weeks and then I attended by myself and now we go together every 2 weeks or so. The counseling doesn’t seem to be all that helpful that is why I purchased Mort’s system. I have already read 5 Primary Languages of Love and Divorce Busters too. Both great books.

He has asked for a few weeks of space. This past weekend, he told me that it is just temporary but didn’t give me any sense of timing. I am trying hard to respect this and not pressure him because I realize that will push him farther away. Then he left for his trip. He didn’t call me all week while he was away. He would just text every day. It just makes me so sad. 
I just don’t understand the need for space. 

This is all just so strange. I am trying to keep things positive and be so patient. 

At first, I was very sad and depressed but now I have picked myself back up, I am doing Yoga and Tennis once a week. I am spending quality time with the kids. I am focusing on the small things that make me happy just to survive.
Is there anything else I should be doing? I really want him to move back home so we can work on this relationship together and not from a far. If he is going to be away much longer after this weekend, should we tell the kids the truth?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Oh my. This is really hard isn't it? So many things you are going through sound so familiar to me. My wife walked away in April, and it's hell isn't it? All the second guessing, all the trying to figure things out. It really sounds like you are on the right path to start, so good for you!

Telling the kids...that is a tough one. Is he at least going to be man enough, and a father enough to be there when they are told that he walked away?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

From what you have told us.. he needs to get off his high horse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

He hasn't walked away yet, it sounds like he is regrouping. It could go either way. Giving your marriage the benefit of the doubt is the way I would suggest going. We all have our ups and downs, and sometimes it takes one to be the strong one, other times the other needs to be the strong one. Marriage is a team effort. Give him time and let him know you love him and support your marriage and work it out. 

Just as women need to feel loved, men do also. We approach it from different directions, but it boils down to the same thing. The need to feel loved and appreciated. I am sure you both could use some good communication skills and go from there. 

Just my opinion from the post.

-MWD


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Agreed UpnOver.

He's the one who left. Don't forget that in all of this. In all of the things you are convinced you did wrong, he is the one who left. Not you. He is the one who has left you to pick up the pieces and hold things together while you give him space.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MWD said:


> He hasn't walked away yet, it sounds like he is regrouping. It could go either way. Giving your marriage the benefit of the doubt is the way I would suggest going. We all have our ups and downs, and sometimes it takes one to be the strong one, other times the other needs to be the strong one. Marriage is a team effort. Give him time and let him know you love him and support your marriage and work it out.
> 
> Just as women need to feel loved, men do also. We approach it from different directions, but it boils down to the same thing. The need to feel loved and appreciated. I am sure you both could use some good communication skills and go from there.
> 
> ...


Not bad thinking either, though it sounds like he has had time.

OP...don't take my post as sending your marriage off into the ash heap of history because I'm not. Just be careful and keep your eyes open. He has breached the trust of your marriage no matter the reason, and he had better have a damn good reason beyond you went out and got drunk and came home at 5:00am...or you not cleaning up well enough after he cooks dinner...


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Agreed UpnOver.
> 
> He's the one who left. Don't forget that in all of this. In all of the things you are convinced you did wrong, he is the one who left. Not you. He is the one who has left you to pick up the pieces and hold things together while you give him space.


I would agree, but she has conceded that she has been vacant from the marriage as well. Not only does it take two to heal a marriage, it often(not always) takes two to take one down. 

I would think different if there was some infidelity, but it doesn't appear to be the case. He has been a good family man, but his relationship has a crack in it. He wants some space. Hopefully that space has him realize what he is missing out on. Hopefully they work it out. This marriage does not seem like a lost cause. They need to see how they can meet in the middle and work from there. 

-MWD


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MWD said:


> I would agree, but she has conceded that she has been vacant from the marriage as well. Not only does it take two to heal a marriage, it often(not always) takes two to take one down.
> 
> I would think different if there was some infidelity, but it doesn't appear to be the case. He has been a good family man, but his relationship has a crack in it. He wants some space. Hopefully that space has him realize what he is missing out on. Hopefully they work it out. *This marriage does not seem like a lost cause.* They need to see how they can meet in the middle and work from there.
> 
> -MWD


Agreed. Though physically leaving is a pretty big breach of trust.


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Agreed. Though physically leaving is a pretty big breach of trust.


Some may argue that emotionally leaving is worse than physically leaving. I don't know. I hope to never have either to deal with. 

Either way, you can't get back the emotional or physical presence until there is communication. 

I know when my SO has dropped communication, it is my job as the other half to pick up the ball and make some concessions. She has done it for me more than once. In the past I have got caught up in the "I can't let her win" crap, and it led to nothing good. It was only when I learned that there are times that giving in is the best option. She has given in to me and I have given to her on many occasions. It is the fact that one of us pick up the slack until the other catches up that makes our union so strong. 

We are now at a point where we both know when the other is a bit down and it is a good time to bite the tongue. To be truthful, she has taught me that. She is still better at it than I am, but I strive to have her strength to be so giving of the latitude when things aren't easy. 

The key(as I keep bringing up) is the communication. I know I can not do it without her. I do not think she could do it without me. Hopefully these two will find some common ground and pull each other up and make it work. 

When I married I decided that the big 'D' is not an option. I made the commitment and no matter what happens(short of infidelity), I will stand by my SO. I have faith she will do the same for me. That is what keeps me going. 

-MWD


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

You are absolutely right about communication. Physically leaving is a pretty strong signal that they don't want to communicate.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP, while I generally agree to all the advice above, could there be anyway there's a third person involved here? Someone your husband may have confided his marriage troubles too?

Often times a shoulder to cry on turns into so much more.

Check your cell phone bills on line and look if his texts messages/calls are alot to one or two numbers.

Good luck!


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Why does everyone think that the spouse is having an affair when they need space?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Not that this applies exactly to this case, but I was one of the ones who defended his wife when people suggested an affair. I knew there was no way she was because I believed her, and that was during the beginning of our seperation in April even. Fast forward to today, and I know now she has been having an affair since October, and it started just like Toffer said...she met someone whom she could confide her marital probems in.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Why does everyone think that the spouse is having an affair when they need space?


Because that energy and the needs they felt they "aren't getting" from their spouse has to go somewhere. People need a parachute before they jump out of a plane. Trust, but verify.

Also, resentments do not build up "for years" in the type of people who don't have problems communicating and setting boundaries.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree it isn't ALWAYS affair related but if you read enough stories here, the production usually plays out the same way:

ACT 1 - I haven't been happy for years
ACT 2 - I need space to figure out what I want and to see if I can fall in love with you again
ACT 3 - Meet the new BF/GF


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I agree it isn't ALWAYS affair related but if you read enough stories here, the production usually plays out the same way:
> 
> ACT 1 - I haven't been happy for years
> ACT 2 - I need space to figure out what I want and to see if I can fall in love with you again
> *ACT 3 - Meet the new BF/GF*


Who by the way I met right around the time I started being unhappy. "New" indeed


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

As I sit here I could never picture myself in the arms of another woman....it just wouldn't happen


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

No one who's been through it on here will ever say "told ya so". Wishing you the best.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Sadwith (we need a short nickname for you!):

Guys like you make me feel like I will be able to trust a man again. Thanks for reminding me that not all men are out to sleep with as many women as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MA, I think if you give us a chance you will find that there are an awful lot of guys out there that value the woman they are with and could not imagine being in the arms of another. It's sad when the woman they are with doesn't value what she has.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Sadwith (we need a short nickname for you!):
> 
> Guys like you make me feel like I will be able to trust a man again. Thanks for reminding me that not all men are out to sleep with as many women as possible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you... I really appreciate that.

Lisa knows that I have been asked by a few woman for an affair. I told her.. and I told her I would never do it.

There is a sparkle in her eyes that only she has and I have never found in another woman. I could never kiss a face without that sparkle.


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