# Considering divorce...so confused



## joshs (Dec 23, 2011)

I really need help, and i'm just not sure how i feel. I will try to sum this up and give as much detail as i possibly can in this description as to why we are at this point. I am in the navy, I started dating my wife while we were both a long distance away. We never spent more than 1 week together but we talked on the phone quit alot, i knew her before I joined the navy though. I asked her to marry me after 5 months and we got married 4 months later. I was in love at least what i thought. We then got pregnant after 4 months, something that i was not prepared for but non the less was excited to be a father. After this the sex vanished, no sex while she was pregnant and none since then, total time is 15 months. I have lied to her alot, mainly on bills and idiotic subjects to lie about. Never cheated. I enjoy drinking and she hates the thought. The small things have really started to bother me, she never rubs my back or ever offers, she doesn't laugh at my jokes, doesn't like the same music or movies. Sadly she has no friends, she has to go to her mother for advice. She is slightly ignorant in a few ways. She runs to the baby when it cries..every time. She assumes everything, worries about anything and everything and then places bad scenarios in her head and then believes the scenarios and gets mad about her assumptions. I'll stop there, I'm sure this isn't enough information to make the most accurate decision but I just need some kind of advice. I think it will be hard for her to trust me, her mother hates me because my wife tells her everything, and to be quit honest she just doesn't want to live life to the fullest, she takes no risks whatsoever and worries about everything when I do the exact opposite, i'm a glass half full guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with your wife going to take care of the baby when he/she cries. That’s what most mothers do. Babies are very demanding as they are 100% dependent on their parents for survival. 

It's sort of bothersome that you referred to your child as 'it'. How often do you take care you your baby when he/she cries? How many diapers have you changed? How many nights have you walked around holding your baby when she/he does not feel well?

Let’s discuss this before we go any further with the other topics.


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## joshs (Dec 23, 2011)

I apologize in my grammatical error in calling my son "it", i have been frustrated and my mind is storming with thoughts, past events, and how I am feeling at the moment. I've changed hundreds of diapers, and i have stayed up with him many many nights. My son has had surgery to remove a cysts on his lower intestine, I was there for every appointment. 

Now that we have covered that, I would like to add some more to the thread topic. Sorry if i am rambling i would just like to make every point i can to explain the full story. My wife has stayed with me through many difficulties. With that, she has said that she is wanting to do this for our son. This is her priority for our relationship to continue. I do believe if our son was not in the picture(not saying i want that at all) that a separation between us would have taken place much earlier than now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks for the answers. Sounds like your are good, invovled dad. Sorry to hear all that your son has had to go through. No wonder she fusses over him.

On the rest of the topics there is a lot of work you both need to do if this marriage is going to make it. If she is not willing to do the work then a divorce might be the best you can hope for.

My suggestion is that you start with the books I have listed in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. If she will, read them together and then work the exercises they have. When we used them we took turns reading the books aloud to each other and then did the work the book instructed us to do.

The books talk about love busters... things that bust (ruin) love. Your wife talking about your intimate business with her mother is a huge love buster and has to stop. If she needs someone to confide in, get her a counselor. Or she can keep a journal.


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## joshs (Dec 23, 2011)

Thank you for your response. Now that this has really blown up around christmas is difficult, her mother hates me and we are still planning on going to each others families..which might be painful for me, but not for her since my family doesn't entirely know of the full situation. 

I know a lot of my frustration has come about from the lack of sex in our marriage. I mean, 15 months...jesus. How many men would generally stay with a woman that long, I'm not sure. I believe that I have held on in the idea that we might possibly make it work, but I also did this for our son. I think the fact is if our relationship isn't working then it is not going to help our son if we stay together and continue arguing for the rest of our lives and just settle. 

My love is gone for her, but that isn't saying it was never there. I'm a romantic at heart. I used to take her to the beach and sing to her and dance on the beach. Write her letters and leave them for her, take her on surprise dates with our song playing. But i believe i was love struck and didn't take in to perspective our personalities along with likes/dislikes.

We got married so quick without ever really spending a decent amount of time together. I don't think i really knew who she was. Know their is a slight intellectual barrier. There are times when I cannot stand to listen to her because I know what she is saying is completely false even though she believes it to be true. Its as if she assumes something to be true and then convinces herself she is correct. 

I think another problem is I have an urge to just date someone sometimes to be with someone and see the difference. Be with someone in which our personalities do not collide, and we both like going out, listening to the same music, and have the same sex drive. With my current wife I cannot even tell her everything I would like to because she doesn't enjoy what I have to talk about, all she wants to do is gossip and loves to judge other people.

When we talk about our relationship together, it will always end up with her explaining how she has done everything for me and has never stopped loving me. She never mentions anything she has done wrong, but acknowledge anything and everything I have. 

Ugh


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## kenn (Dec 20, 2011)

WARNING: Divorce is hell. It will rip you apart emotionally. It will drain you. It is worse than any pain that you could ever imagine. WORK IT OUT--Even if you have to sacrifice who you are, to get to a point where you both become a "US". You have a child now, think of them FIRST. How would a divorce effect them and the rest of your life. Saying you want a divorce is so easy, but going through the eye of a needle is worse, and that is how hard it is to go through a divorce. (unless their is abuse, then the rules are different). God bless and PRAY with conviction.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with Kenn. Our society seems to push us towards divorce.. as though it fixes everything and makes life easier. IT DOES NOT. If you think you have problems now, wait until you are divorced. They will be 10 time worse. Your childn will suffer in ways that you cannot imagine.

You were passionate about your wife once, you can be again. You lost it because you stopped working at your relationship. 

Take a look at the bookes linked in by signature block for building a passionate marriage. Start with "His Needs, Her Needs", read them and do the work it says to do. Then go to the next one until you have worked through all 3. Hopefully your wife will join you in doing this work. If not do it yourself.

No one can make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. And you can only change yourself.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

Kenn.. I have to disagree with your statement where you say "sacrifice who you are to become an us".. No one should have to sacrifice who they are for anyone.. I still do not understand why everyone figures divorce is hell??? Its what you makebit and how you handle it that makes it what it is. Just like a family..kids from a broken family can and DO grow up happy, healthy and amazing .. I am going thru the exact situation right now.. Fell outta love for my wife.. Or really never was in love with her.. Have two kids.. Separated and on the road to divorce.. My kids are FINE!!! Loved and happy that they no longer have to listen to the arguments .. They will be just fine.. Tell them you love them and most of all its not their fault...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If your wife refuses you for 15 months I would call it a day.
Ask her what you have to do to change this. If you can, do it if not get out. Having her mother against you all your life with your wife still on her apron strings is no life. 
You cant be married just for your child. He will also suffer in the end.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

joshs said:


> I used to take her to the beach and sing to her and dance on the beach. Write her letters and leave them for her, take her on surprise dates with our song playing. But i believe i was love struck and didn't take in to perspective our personalities along with likes/dislikes.


You say you "use" to do these things. Do them again. 

I would like to suggest that you watch the movie Fireproof and get the resources that go with it once you watch it.


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