# Need advice on "reaching out"



## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Need advice.

Been with wife 12 years – married for nearly nine. Two small kids.

GREAT relationship for many years. Lost our first child – our daughter in 2008. Brought us closer together at first – probably drove us apart slowly after awhile.

My wife was the one who finally said she had enough. I can go into details – but let’s just say she felt there was an emotional disconnection and she got tired of fighting for us by herself. 

I will be the first to admit my role in what went wrong. I closed myself off emotionally when we lost our daughter. I can also say I have fought like hell to find that guy I used to be – and I have been successful (I think).

Our current situation is good. We get along well. We still live together. We’re far more in sync as parents and partners. We spend more time together than we did – though we still give one another space to do our own things. There is more harmony in our home than there has been in years.

The clock is still ticking, however.

She rushed straight into the divorce from the moment she told me she’d had enough. I think she felt like she was finally taking control of her life. I think she assumed I would behave in a certain expected way and when I didn’t – I think it has created conflict in her mind.

That said – while her desire to end our marriage is still “on” – she has been hot and cold in regards to how actively she’s pushing for it. A lot of the time it’s just the elephant in the room – but that elephant is still there.

I worry that I have been too passive. I have been too afraid of making any sort of statement regarding how much I love her – and yes – I have told her in the course of our discussions/arguments/emotional venting sessions – but I have not done enough to show it through my gestures.

I have been afraid to further damage the tattered remains of a relationship we still have – hoping that the collected weight of small displays of affection and caring will “snap her out of it” but that hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

I know some of you will tell me to “180” her – but that is exactly what got my here right now – even if it was very unintentional.

I would even be writing this unless I truly didn’t feel there wasn’t anything left to save.

I really feel like I need to make a gesture and stop being so passive. I just don’t know what to do. I know it might not change anything – but I want to know that I didn’t just sit on my hands and wait for everything to end.

I keep thinking that I want my “rooftop” moment where I put myself out there and tell the world that I love my wife. Yeah, I’ve told her – but only her. My parents know it – but they’re my parents and they obviously just support me.
I want to declare my love for her to someone who really cares about her, too – not because I want someone to intervene on my behalf – but because these feelings run so strong through my heart and I want the world (even if it is just one meaningful person) to know that this mattered to me.

I have a good relationship with her sister. We’re the same age – and we’ve always “connected” on many levels. In a fit of sadness I reached out to her via Facebook last week and essentially just said “I know where everything is going and I wanted to thank you and your family for always treating me so well” and that was met with a very enthusiastic response from her sister. She wanted me to know that no matter what I will always be a brother (to her and her husband) and an uncle (to her kids). She said she didn’t really know what’s gone on between us but that she felt bad for not reaching out to me – and she was glad I had reached out to her. She said she was afraid of making the situation between my wife and me worse.

I did go into some of my sadness and so on – just touched on it – and then pulled back saying I felt like maybe I’d said too much. She said no, not at all – she said to hang in there – sent me a heart emoji and so on.

I really feel like I just want to declare how I truly feel about my wife and what she has meant to me and I think her sister might be the only person I can really approach. I’m not looking for someone to intervene on my behalf – and if my words never travel beyond her – that is okay. I don’t want to come across as a sad sack or anything – but as a man who deeply cares and has not simply sat back and watched what has happened.

I know there are some out here who will tell me bad idea. There are those who will tell me that it’s been a bad strategy to be so passive. I feel I need to do this. I’m not expecting a major bullet – I just want someone to know how much I truly did care – not to divest myself of any blame – but to make a mark on the fabric of the universe that says I was here and I cared about this woman – my wife. I just want to share that with someone who also cares about her.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

I don't blame you given what you've shared, that you want to shout to the world your feelings for your wife to the world. I think as men we believe big acts will demonstrate the magnitude of how we feel. Sadly, I have been learning myself that it was small things that close off their hearts and it will most likely take small things to reopen it. 

Some things however have me wondering - her quick rush to divorce could be motivated by things you aren't even aware of yet. It's clear, based on your description, she has feelings for you but they are not enough to pull completely back, sounds like a trust issue perhaps. 

The point is to talk plainly and honestly with her, listen intently to what she says and thinks and the. Work to deliver it, even if it is space etc. After this conversation it may be easy for you to determine next steps, 180 etc. Good luck!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

milltown01 said:


> Need advice.
> 
> Been with wife 12 years – married for nearly nine. Two small kids.
> 
> ...


No one single act or proclamation is going to fix this. Does your spouse still believe you cheated? As long as she believes this your facing a huge hurdle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

milltown01 said:


> ... I worry that I have been too passive. I have been too afraid of making any sort of statement regarding how much I love her – and yes – I have told her in the course of our discussions/arguments/emotional venting sessions – but I have not done enough to show it through my gestures...
> 
> ... I would even be writing this unless I truly didn’t feel there wasn’t anything left to save...
> 
> ...


Milltown - Just a thought. Why don't you sit down and write your STBX an old fashioned letter. Pour your heart into it. This could be the last chance you could ever get to tell her your feelings (to put yourself into the proper frame of mind, consider what you would write to her if you would not have a chance to ever see her again...say you were trapped in a dangerous situation with no chance of coming out alive).

This opportunity would provide you with the feeling that you made one last, gallant effort. It could also be cathartic for you. You would be able to wake up each morning, look yourself in the mirror and say that you gave this your best try. If it all goes for naught then you can move on. You have a lot of living ahead of you.

Good luck


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## LisaKane (Jun 26, 2015)

Did you cheat? I think maybe you did.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

milltown01,

I wish I had some wisdom to give you tonight as I really do feel for you. In the last few months you have done a lot to change for the better, or maybe to rediscover the guy you were before the heartache of losing your child. I wish that she could see that.

I'm not sure that any grand gesture will help or hurt. 

Why do you think that telling her sister will help? What do you expect her sister to do with that info?


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