# How do I say "loose weight"?



## manwithquestions (May 8, 2010)

Sorry for the length. I'm a first time poster. 

My wife and I have been married 6 months and love each other very much. She is the only person I have ever been with so I have never had much experience with relationships. We are both very busy; full time students with full time job and I will graduate sometime in Dec. She has some time.

We are in a dry spell. Ever since we got married we seem to only have sex about once a month. I have been trying to figure out why and after careful thought I finally realized why. I thought it was just because we are so busy but I don't think it is. I believe its because I don't find my wife attractive and I don't think I ever did really. 

It's a terrible thing to say but it's the truth. I grew up with a firm believe that "looks aren't everything." Problem is I took it too far and thought "looks aren't anything." Now I'm in trouble. I love my wife and want to spend the rest of my life with her and this is an issue.

When we started dating we were both overweight and I'm not saying the the hottest thing on the planet either. But she has gained quite a bit more since we've been together. It's not just the weight though; she has big gorgeous hazel eyes which I find very attractive, however she wears glasses which make them look small and beady and she doesn't like taking them off because she gets headaches. Her eyes are too bad to get contacts or laser surgery so I can't really enjoy them. This is I know she isn't ugly. I simply don't find her attractive.

Occasionally she cries to me about how she doesn't feel connected to me and that we are more roommates than a married couple. This of course hurts me because I see she is hurting and I usually chalk it up to being so busy. 

I know she has the potential to be attractive to me and I realize this is a dangerous subject to talk about. I want to "want" my wife in that way! And of course I need to make improvements to myself as well. 

Am I being selfish? Should I talk with her about it? If so how should I proceed?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I dont suggest letting on that you don't find her attractive. But if you see potential then you could do things as "gestures" for her that will allow the changes to happen without her seeing them as neccesary. For example, sign up for a couples dance class and learn to dance together. Its excellent exercise and there is an element of romance involved. Its also a great social tool for wen you graduate because many company formal functions involve dancing. You should see real physical results for you both if you are consistent! you could also go the "hey lets set healthy fitness goals together" route and talk about your own goals. Chances are she will feel left behind if she doesnt jump on board with you. A gym membership could be great because with initial membership u usually get a nutritional consult and training session free. Both will get her thinking without u saying hey honey youre lookin biggie...
For beauty buy her a complete spa package at a place with hair services and makeup too. Convey to the spa that you would like them to really help your wifey boost her self esteem with a makeover. Tell wifey that you appreciate all of her hard work(I am sure you do!) and that you want to take her out for a nice dinner after she enjoys a pampered day at the spa. Ship her off to the spa and tell her "I dont think the spa could make you more beautiful than you already are but I cant wait to see you tonight! enjoy yourself because I got you a complete package" Trust me no woman would hate that! 
Glasses can be sexy maybe help her shop for frames next time and give your honest opinions! =) 
I know it feels kind of foreign to have to tell her a white lie to get the ball rolling but once she gets a chance to feel sexier then I am sure it will have a domino effect for both of u guys!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think you are being honest and trying to minimize the hurt to your wife who you clearly love. You mention that you are also not in great shape. Why not approach this as a "let's get in shape" kind of thing and an activity that both of you can participate in. My husband and I do that. We hit the gym 5 times a week after we both decided that even though we were in "weight" health, we weren't happy with our bodies. 
The previous poster mentioned dancing. That is great advice. It is a fun activity and gets both of you involved and also connected. I don't know what your passions are but other ideas could be racquetball, softball, swimming, tennis, etc. Most of which probably have some sort of club or "team" in your area. 
I know there is no simple solution for you. You want her to loose weight. I get that and their is nothing wrong with that. It is your approach that needs to be weighed VERY carefully or you will hurt her tremendously. Do NOT approach this as a health thing. I have heard countless husbands tell their wives they want them to loose weight "for their health" and trust me women read right through that BS and it hurts even more. If you could approach it as a "hey I'd like to do something about my weight would you care to join me" it will come off much easier for her. In fact, it might make her feel like you wanted to include her in your quest if you will. You also mention that she feels disconnected of sorts. Perhaps this shared activity will help?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I think it is wonderful that you can be so honest with yourself but unlike your other respondents, I think you are being incredibly selfish. I could see if you married a svelte 110 girl, but you didn't. She was overweight and there was no reason to be surprised that she gained more weight. But from the sound of it, you were not attracted to her before the additional weight gain either. Now, you want to change her. I appreciate you being so considerate and thoughtful in trying not to hurt her feelings, but consider the disservice you have done yourself, as well. For a time, you will refrain from actually coming out and telling her you're not attracted to her. But this isn't going to go away. It will keep wearing on you and keep propping up until one day you blurt it out in frustration. Even if you say it calmly, you will definitely one day say it, and it will be devastating to her. I beg you to never let this happen, but really it is just human nature and the way things inevitably go. It is unfair to both of you that you feel this way. It is horribly unfair that one day she will have to know about it. You married her the way she is. It is wrong to expect her to change for you. I hope you understand.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

manwithquestions said:


> I believe its because I don't find my wife attractive and I don't think I ever did really.


Thanks for being honest and truthful on your post. So, I will be totally honest with you as well. I cannot understand why you would marry someone you didn't find attractive? 




manwithquestions said:


> When we started dating we were both overweight and I'm not saying the the hottest thing on the planet either. But she has gained quite a bit more since we've been together.


I see that you said you were both overweight, but you are not saying are YOU still overweight as well? Have you lost a lot of weight and started firming up yourself? Or is this a situation of a pot calling a kettle black?



manwithquestions said:


> It's not just the weight though; she has big gorgeous hazel eyes which I find very attractive, however she wears glasses which make them look small and beady and she doesn't like taking them off because she gets headaches. Her eyes are too bad to get contacts or laser surgery so I can't really enjoy them.


So you want her to suffer headaches just so you can enjoy her non-beady eyes? It's not like she can wave a magic wand and "poof" make her eyes better. She's not wearing them for looks, but function. My wife was born with a cleft pallete. Because of that she has issues with doing anything with her mouth due to multiple surgeries (about 20). Would it be fair of me to force her to give me oral because I really want it? No matter how much pain or true uncomfort it caused her? I can understand about the weight thing manwithquestions. But the glasses? No.



manwithquestions said:


> I know she has the potential to be attractive to me and I realize this is a dangerous subject to talk about. I want to "want" my wife in that way! And of course I need to make improvements to myself as well.
> Am I being selfish? Should I talk with her about it? If so how should I proceed?


Look, if you are both overweight then join a gym together. Instead of eating out on the weekends, cook a healthy dinner at home. Don't buy junk food, sodas, etc. Go grocery shopping on a full stomach and buy healthy foods. If she won't join you on your diet or gym, start first yourself. Start loosing weight, firming up, eating right, etc. Generally she will see that and will most likely want to join after she sees what it's doing for you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Very small idea, but have the wife get "contacts" - if she is able to wear them (ordering online is much cheaper, I highly recommend 1-800 contacts - they will match the cheapest price you can find online- I always use them for my family & save $$).

And work on the weight & fitness together. 

If you have Comcast on Demand, they have a bunch of FREE Exercise programs you can do every day, and they change all the time.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It is hard to care for something you are not investing in. 

So, Simply will probably hit me in the head for this... But Yes you are being selfish. However, I think you still love enough to fix everything here while God willing, satisfying you selfish motive... 

If bringing up the weight thing is a problem, try it without being known. Start going on a walk each evening. Start being more active in ways that are not so obvious. If you love her, and of course yourself, then make a point that you want to become healthier, and you want her to as well. You want to live a healthy active life with her. 
If you work up a sweat, get a shower together, see where it goes.

Take turns giving each other a massage, exercise will make you both sore. That to can turn into an erotic thing for the both of you. . 

Start eating healthier. Don't buy PROCESSED foods. Get rid of sugar drinks etc... Start cooking together with FRESH ingredients not boxed crap. This is an awesome opportunity for you to turn everything around at once.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

pochael said:


> So, Simply will probably hit me in the head for this... But Yes you are being selfish. However, I think you still love enough to fix everything here while God willing, satisfying you selfish motive...


Simply here & If I could, yes, I would smack you on the head, or at least give you a sarcastic grin. 

I guess I am reduced to being Selfish Selfish Selfish and so is my hubby - cause we both agree if we gained X amount of weight -the desire would be lost -most likely it WOULD cause sexual issues for both of us, so UNselfishly we commit to not letting this happen (while selfishly pleasing ourselves at the same time) by keeping the lbs off. 

The only thing "Manwithquestions" has against him here is >> he married her while she was Overweight (and himself), so for her, it was probably never looked upon as an issue, She felt physically "*accepted*" in every way, in her fullness. I wonder if he ever shared his feelings while she was slowing gaining more? 

If he is significantly Thinner than her now, working on fitness, buff & all of that, well, this would be NO surprise to me if he is struggling. Selfish- maybe , but if you are not attracted, I am not a man here, but I would imagine this could hamper "performing" to some extent ?? 

Does sound like he loves her very very much though, so the best thing is for him to share his abounding LOVE - but get this out on the table too, humbly talk about them BOTH loosing -not just her, working at it together, no matter what, cause they are committed & want to please each other. 

"Desire" for your spouse is paramount to a satisfying sex life. And "Feeling Desired" - what can compare?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I guess I am reduced to being Selfish Selfish Selfish and so is my hubby - cause we both agree if we gained X amount of weight -the desire would be lost -most likely it WOULD cause sexual issues for both of us, so UNselfishly we commit to not letting this happen (while selfishly pleasing ourselves at the same time) by keeping the lbs off.


lol, are you my wife in disguise? That's the exact thing we talked about with each other before we got married. I love the fact that she still can fit into her college soccer outfit! And she loves the fact I can still do clapping pushups and can pick her up and hold her for quite sometime (comes in handy) 

I will say though staying like this isn't easy, it almost becomes like a second job. We both have to workout 6 days a week, at least 1 hour a day. We decided early on for our marriage and our health that was something we would not let go. I'm glad we made the choice. None of our children are overweight and they are growning up seeing mom and dad exercise every day. That's teaching them as well valuable lessons. I grew up being a very obese child and through early high school. It took me 5 years till I was a junior in college to loose that weight. I never again wanted it back on.

What makes it easier to keep it going though is making it a lifestyle change and doing it together. After dinner go out for a walk. After work join a gym and take classes together. Join a dojo and get involved in Martial Arts (my favorite). There are a lot of choices out there you can make, you just have to do them. I guarantee after you have done it for about 4 months it will become part of your ingrained routine.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I agree with Susan... no matter what you do or what your wife does, you werent attracted to her before either. So why do you think you will magically become attracted to her after losing weight? She still cant wear contacts (you mentioned that she cant bc eyes are so bad)... it will wear on you until you cant take it anymore. Years down the road, arguments, resentments and then...

Do yourself and her a favor now, while you are still so young... move on and let her find someone who loves her for her... and you can try to find someone you are attracted to as well. Not fair to live trapped in a lie like that... to either of you.

Unless you can honeslty say you would be attracted to her if x, y, and z? But then, where is the unconditional love? My first husband I was never attracted to, and it owrked bc we had the same goals and interests... if he didnt have an anger problem... we could have lived in a sexless marriage forever... but and this is a big but, that feeling of attraction is the one way a marriage relationship is different from all others... its the one person you have sex with (most anyway), its the one person you think of that way... if its not there, then there is no glue to keep your relationship special from all others. Just saying...


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

In my estimation, 90% of what gets a guy physically excited starts at the woman's neck and goes down. (Not to say we don't appreciate a pretty face either.) Gravity and old age will eventually take a lot from even the best of us, but particularly in young married life, a woman's appearance is one of the most important gifts she can give her husband. Your average man and average woman are attracted to fit spouses. How is this particularly surprising or selfish? 

But make no mistake about it, you are in a genuine conundrum. Telling this nasty secret after all these years together is going to cause problems since your wife had assumed you were physically attracted to her. In general I believe the following:

- if her weight is truly "unreasonable", you will remain unattracted no matter how hard you try to focus on the positive
- you may be as unattracted by her lack of initiative/self-discipline as you are by the extra weight
- if you can't successfully implement sleight-of-hand to get the needed results -- "let's get healthy", "let's lose weight together and then book a cruise!", "help ME lose weight" etc -- then you will (probably after many more months or years of frustration) eventually reveal the truth to her, and her bad reaction will be orders of magnitude worse than what you are imagining now
- in the end being honest with gentleness, decency, and support is the right thing to do anyway


A wise wife understands that a husband who communicates honestly with gentleness demonstrates both his commitment and love to her. If your wife is so wise she will be no different, but it won't be without upset and enough time to heal. 

Good luck, bro. This is a tough trick. And I'm sorry if others are advising you to feel bad. Don't.


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## Sixgunner (Mar 5, 2008)

I feel for you. No matter what or how you do it, this is going to get your wife pissed.


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> I cannot understand why you would marry someone you didn't find attractive?


Most people don't get married based on whether they're physically attracted to each other. More often than not, it doesn't work out that way. Over time, they got attracted to their personality, not their body.


I think there's some great tips in those posts, and I think if done tactfully, they can be executed with minimal emotional harm to your wife.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

What ever you do..don't ever tell her you don't find her attractive...I made a mistake 17 yrs ago..I married my wife who I loved very much..we were both physically fit,nice looking but agreed sex wasn't the main reason we loved each other (big mistake) and agreed that was fine..even though it was great and exciting..it died real quick..lasted 17 yrs before she got out.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

BlueFire said:


> Most people don't get married based on whether they're physically attracted to each other. More often than not, it doesn't work out that way. Over time, they got attracted to their personality, not their body.


Interesting, I guess that makes me shallow maybe. My first initial attraction to all of my relationships have always been looks to get in the door, then personality second. But looks alone never continued a relationship, it was always the personality.

When I first met my wife the reason I asked her out was I was physically attracted to her first. She "caught my eye" so to speak. Then, as I learned her personality that is what continued on the relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Crypsys said:


> Interesting, I guess that makes me shallow maybe. My first initial attraction to all of my relationships have always been looks to get in the door, then personality second. But looks alone never continued a relationship, it was always the personality.
> 
> When I first met my wife the reason I asked her out was I was physically attracted to her first. She "caught my eye" so to speak. Then, as I learned her personality that is what continued on the relationship.


I think , for men, this is definetly the Norm, probably as high as 95% of the time. For women, I think the attraction factor plays a little less than it does for Men. Because Men are SO visual by nature. And women, oftentimes, may put "Security" before the "Visual".


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## BlueFire (May 21, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> My first initial attraction to all of my relationships have always been looks to get in the door


Oh yes definitely. I wasn't trying to sound high and mighty "I only like girls for their personality" sort of thing. I guess what I was saying is that in the end, the one you end up actually marrying doesn't always turn out to be your cutest fling.....it's the one that snuck up on you when you weren't expecting.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How come you married her only six months ago and now realize you don't want her?

What changed in these short six months?


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