# How Big of Scumbag Am I?



## Jim1985 (May 11, 2015)

Hey ya'll,

First is I have no idea why there is a smiley face for this post. I didn't not mean to out that there.

I never thought I was the cheating type but I guess there really aren't different levels of cheating (besides emotional and physical). You can't sort of cheat. That being said my long time girlfriend recently found out that a year ago I was on a dating website and she devastated. I understand her pain, but am having a difficult time coping with her reaction.

The story goes: after two years of dating and seven month of living together my girlfriend found out I was hiding some of my masturbation habits from her. I'd rather not get to I depth, but let's say they are unconventional. I had told her about them when we first starting dating but gave off the vibe that it was in my past. She was great and accepted me. It was the first time I had been honest and told someone upfront about it. She confronted me about it a year in to our relationship asking if I was still doing it but I lied and said I still wasn't doing it. Two years in she confronted me again this time with proof. She found out I was still doing by going through my computer. She was understandably very hurt and confused. She eventually moved out although we still saw each other and did a lot of things together, including her going to one of my family events. It was pretty clear two both of us were weren't broken up or on a break. We just lived separately.

That's not to say we were happy. There was a lot of uncertainty and crying. I felt like crap both that I hurt her and I felt I was being judged for not being 'normal'. After three months of living apart though she agreed to move back in and we started working on the relationship.

Right before she moved out and for a month after that I joined a dating website. I exchanged messages with several girls, a few frequently. I never got any phone numbers or met up with anyone although there was talk about meeting for drinks. I was completely dedicated to trying to fix my relationship with my girlfriend (or so I convinced myself at the time) and I only joined because I wanted attention. I realize it is creepy and pathetic but my girlfriend had said some pretty hurtful things during our fights and my self esteem was pretty low. I never thought my girlfriend was talking to other guys though and I was never planning on taking the conversations any father than the website. After six weeks I shut the account down. She moved back in a little later and we started working on the relationship.

At the time I didn't consider it an emotional affair because there wasn't a lot of indepth communication. It was mostly just flirting and a little bit of biographical information The kind of stuff that would be done normally over a drink at bar with the cute stranger you randomly start talking to but never see again after you leave the bar. I didn't do the typical 'hey girl' online dating message or just ask for hookups. I know everyone will say that you only go on a site like that looking for something but to be honest even when I had the chance to meet up with a girl I would tell them I wasn't emotionally available and wasn't ready to meet up.

Fast forward to yesterday. I'm out of town on a business trip and she went thru my laptop again and found out about the account. To be honest I have no idea how. I thought I deleted all the emails. She managed to reactivate the account and log in. She was able to read all the messages and compare who I was messaging and when with what her and I were doing in real life.

She has told me she is moving out and that we are done. She is devastated. She said she can't trust me and all she wanted was for me to be honest and open with her. I didn't even remember the site. I guess if I did remember though I wouldn't have told her though as to me I felt nothing happened as I didn't meet up or sext or anything and would wanted to spare her feelings and mine. I realize I would be equally upset if I found out she did this but I don't think I would breakup with her.

I guess though my issue is I am not understanding the seriousness of what I did or even why I did it. I know what I did is wrong. I'm not trying to justify it but part of me wants to tell her that it was hurt if and made a mistake. I only sort of cheated. I don't want to say she is over reacting and even thinking that makes me feel like I'm a scumbag. I don't want to be the 'it was only a kiss' type of guy. Plus I don't even understand why I did it in the first place. If I was trying to work on our relationship why would I go be a creeper on a dating website just for attention? With my last long term girlfriend when we took a break I started going to parties and talking to other girls right away. I seem to always have to have the next thing lined up. I definitely realize I have a lot of maturing to do to be in a healthy and happy relationship. I just don't want to lose her because I made a dumb choice.

J


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You have already lost her. She can't trust you. You clearly aren't ready for a committed relationship. Stop living with women. You want to date a lot of women then do it. Don't get into a committed relationship until you are ready to settle down and get off the dating sites.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You built your foundation on crap. It just took a while for it to surface.

Work on yourself. Become a better man. She may give you another shot but she would be stupid to do it with the same man.

Become a better one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The post seems like one made up.

But either way, yes, you are a scumbag.

So how easy that was!


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## Jim1985 (May 11, 2015)

thatbpguy said:


> The post seems like one made up.
> 
> But either way, yes, you are a scumbag.
> 
> So how easy that was!


How does it seem made up? I'm sorry my life is not up to your standard for a relationship issues. Perhaps if I would have slept with a coworker it would have been more believable. I'll let my ex know as she is walking out the door for the last time that it was all made up. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sometimes I switch from the right hand to the left hand. Hope to god my wife never finds out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Sometimes I switch from the right hand to the left hand. Hope to god my wife never finds out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Better hope your right hand doesn't hold grudges.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I dont think your GF would like the honesty either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Better hope your right hand doesn't hold grudges.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

That was darn funny.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
> 
> That was darn funny.



I aim to please! 

Don't let it be said us nerds don't have a sense of humor 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Jim1985 said:


> How does it seem made up? I'm sorry my life is not up to your standard for a relationship issues. Perhaps if I would have slept with a coworker it would have been more believable. I'll let my ex know as she is walking out the door for the last time that it was all made up. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down.


First, your post simply does have a 'made up' tone to it. Whether it is or isn't we will never know. But we probably get as many made up stories here as we do real. BTW, I still think it's fake...

Second, no you don't measure up. You failed yourself, your wife and many others in a collateral way.

Third, there are times to baby people and times to tell someone to grow a pair and be a real man. I can see it both ways, and I make no apologies.

Fourth, let's give you the benefit of the doubt here and accept your story. What should you do? Be a man about it. Own up, be genuinely contrite, love your wife (if she will let you), be open and faithful (although faith and trust are lost forever- deal with it) and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe you salvage this and maybe you don't. Either way, it's not your choice- it's hers. Accept whatever she decides like a man and live up to your obligations.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


>


Look like we got a nice little Back to the Future theme going on. 

The 1955 Ford, the 1985 in the OP user name. Just missing the 2015 hover board that hasn't been invented yet.

I was promised flying cars this year.... Damn you Spielberg!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If there is an implicit agreement of exclusivity then interacting with other women is blatantly in violation of that, is a betrayal of trust and deceitful.

If you expect to keep one woman for your exclusive sexual use, but also have other women lined up giving you attention, and without your GF's knowledge or consent, then yes that is a scumbag move.

If you need to contact (physical or not) with many different women, then why would you even be in a monogamous relationship?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling. To make certain you are more of a man for your next girlfriend.

And were you not a man for your last girlfriend? No. Not at all.


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## Jim1985 (May 11, 2015)

Thank you for replies. I have been in counseling working on the other ways I have failed in my life. This problem will get added to the list, and maybe one day I will be able to be the man I should have been all along. It is helpful to see that I am the problem and not just her over reacting.


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## marigold115 (May 11, 2015)

thatbpguy, I don't think this is made up, because I'm living with this right now. Except I'm the stupid one who keeps going back. He swears he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but now the issue is ongoing texting with several women friends, past girlfriends, and ex-wives. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, this is real. 
First, I thought we were in a committed relationship but later found out he'd been on a dating sight and had dated other women.
Somehow, I stayed. Then I found emails he wrote to his 2nd ex-wife asking for a second chance. She declined, even though she said she still loves him.
I left after that, but somehow, he got me back.
Then he swore I was the only one he wanted, but a month later, I found out he'd been back on the dating site doing what jim1985 did--surfing, checking out other women, and chatting through email. 
Somehow, I stayed. I swear, this is real.
Now our issue is the texting. I know I've got to grow a pair and leave him, I just can't do it at the moment. 
I just wanted to respond because, thatbpguy, this **** happens all the time.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

marigold115 said:


> this **** happens all the time.


Yes, it does. Gus has pics to prove it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Yes, it does. Gus has pics to prove it.


Uhhh... what?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK, on a scumbag scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is your typical inconsiderate d!ck move and 10 is epic scumbaggery, I would put you at about a 3 based on your description.

First, you're not married. Second, you were on a quasi-break (she was disgusted with you and moved out). Third, you didn't date anyone. Fourth, you're not married.

If I were you, the lesson learned would be not to indulge even the smallest cheating impulses when you are in a committed relationship. Otherwise, your behavior will inevitably fall somewhere on the scumbag scale.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Can't really even begin to address this without knowing your unconventional masturbation habits. What's so offensive? Are we talking ts porn or 50 shades? Or something like child porn? What's so unconventional and hard to accept?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Can't really even begin to address this without knowing your unconventional masturbation habits. What's so offensive? Are we talking ts porn or 50 shades? Or something like child porn? What's so unconventional and hard to accept?


Don't encourage this! I don't want to have read about his unconventional masturbation habits. All that matters is if it involves a third party or is illegal - as long as its neither it irrelevant.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

marigold115 said:


> thatbpguy, I don't think this is made up, because I'm living with this right now. Except I'm the stupid one who keeps going back. He swears he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but now the issue is ongoing texting with several women friends, past girlfriends, and ex-wives. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, this is real.
> First, I thought we were in a committed relationship but later found out he'd been on a dating sight and had dated other women.
> Somehow, I stayed. Then I found emails he wrote to his 2nd ex-wife asking for a second chance. She declined, even though she said she still loves him.
> I left after that, but somehow, he got me back.
> ...


thatbpguy, I don't think this is made up, because I'm living with this right now. Except I'm the stupid one who keeps going back. He swears he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but now the issue is ongoing texting with several women friends, past girlfriends, and ex-wives. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, this is real. 
First, I thought we were in a committed relationship but later found out he'd been on a dating sight and had dated other women.
Somehow, I stayed. Then I found emails he wrote to his 2nd ex-wife asking for a second chance. She declined, even though she said she still loves him.
I left after that, but somehow, he got me back.
Then he swore I was the only one he wanted, but a month later, I found out he'd been back on the dating site doing what jim1985 did--surfing, checking out other women, and chatting through email. 
Somehow, I stayed. I swear, this is real.
Now our issue is the texting. I know I've got to grow a pair and leave him, I just can't do it at the moment. 
I just wanted to respond because, thatbpguy, this **** happens all the time.


Hmmmmmmm......................................


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

marigold115 said:


> thatbpguy, I don't think this is made up, because I'm living with this right now. Except I'm the stupid one who keeps going back. He swears he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but now the issue is ongoing texting with several women friends, past girlfriends, and ex-wives. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, this is real.
> First, I thought we were in a committed relationship but later found out he'd been on a dating sight and had dated other women.
> Somehow, I stayed. Then I found emails he wrote to his 2nd ex-wife asking for a second chance. She declined, even though she said she still loves him.
> I left after that, but somehow, he got me back.
> ...


Oh. Well, in that case, I think OP has to be a pretty serious scumbag.

Don't you agree, marigold115, who joined just now to try to lend credibility to the OP's story, and who has a very similar name structure to your own and who also joined just recently?

And how weird is it for a girl to refer to herself as needing to "grow a pair?" Women have lots of ways of saying that they need to improve themselves, but you almost never hear women phrase it that way.

You do hear men posing as women phrase it that way, sometimes.

Just sayin'


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Better hope your right hand doesn't hold grudges.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Just curious, did you type this with your left or right hand?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Sometimes I switch from the right hand to the left hand. Hope to god my wife never finds out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As long as your keyboard is not sticky you might get away with it...


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If your story is real then you are indeed lacking in moral character, self control and maturity. Your life is devoid of reason and rationale as you yourself stated "I don't know why I did it". A life lived without reason is chaotic and random and you can never hope to be in a relationship until you learn to do things for a reason. If there is no reason to do it then why do it, what is the motivation? If/when you mature you will understand this.

If, however, your story is a fabrication and you have come here, where lives are destroyed and people desperately seek help, to play out some twisted charade then scumbag would actually be complimentary.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jim said:


> I understand her pain, but am having a difficult time coping with her reaction.
> 
> after two years of dating my girlfriend found out I was hiding some of my masturbation habits from her.
> 
> ...


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Wow. This explains A LOT!

My husband did something similar to this guy, but he took it to real time cheating. This guy is asking for help before it has gotten out of control, and many of you greet him with bitterness and hatred. 

Maybe I don't have enough experience on boards to recognize the trolls, but I just don't see how this projection of hatred and personal feelings about your own being cheated onhelps anyone.

OP: If you are not a man whose wife didn't put out or cheated, then you won't find much help here. That's what I have found anyways.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... what?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bullcorn. I haven't been cheated on. I have no bitterness or hatred or personal feelings. I DO think he needs a great big wakeup call before he blows through a couple dozen more women in the next 20 years and then wonders why he's so unhappy. Not to mention the trail of broken women he leaves in his wake.

IF - IF - he could ever get his gf back, he should not do it. Not until he's been to his therapist for a good 12 more months to figure out where he disconnected in life.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

turnera said:


> Bullcorn. I haven't been cheated on. I have no bitterness or hatred or personal feelings. I DO think he needs a great big wakeup call before he blows through a couple dozen more women in the next 20 years and then wonders why he's so unhappy. Not to mention the trail of broken women he leaves in his wake.
> 
> IF - IF - he could ever get his gf back, he should not do it. Not until he's been to his therapist for a good 12 more months to figure out where he disconnected in life.


:iagree:

THIS is helpful information. Helping him figure it out so he doesn't keep repeating the same crap with this girl or the next and the next.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I was a kid, my best friend's mom was on her SEVENTH husband. She spent every dime she had on herself. Treated her kids worse than dirt. Every man was a doormat who worshipped her, until she cheated on him and divorced him and took half his money. I'm sure it ended eventually, as her looks went away, probably after a half dozen more men...

As you said, if you don't stop and question the actions, you just repeat the pattern. The OP rationalized every single step he took. So I called him out on every single rationalization he made. So he can learn to FIRST recognize it for what it is, and then decide to STOP.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wish I had something help full to say but from a scale from 1-10 you are a 5 as scumbags go....10 being clubbing baby seals over the head and 1 stealing from old people.

I have been cheated on so I am kind of jaded...it could go either way.. ....3 being stealing a cripples wheel chair or a 7 kicking your dog.

IDK!

Maybe it's time to get off the scumbag scale all together and start caring more about the shyt you do and the consequences it has?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You can't remember doing it? Lol

Pretty sure you can. Yep positive. 

Don't make things worse by lying more.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I find it hard to believe someone with enough intelliegence to write a literate, well thought out post would state "I only sort of cheated" after being found communicating with other women on a dating site..but the title to his thread is How big of a scumbag am I? You ackowledge the deed in the title but not in the post


Bait, hook and reel them in


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Talking How Big of Scumbag Am I?
*


here to infinity and beyond.............


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Jim1985 said:


> Thank you for replies. I have been in counseling working on the other ways I have failed in my life. This problem will get added to the list, and maybe one day I will be able to be the man I should have been all along. It is helpful to see that I am the problem and not just her over reacting.


If you want to change, then decide NOW to change.

Not maybe, not later. NOW.

But, change in small steps. I would say, start with being honest. You need not to tell all to everybody, just do not lie anymore. To nobody. If you can or want not to tell the truth, just say nothing. But do not lie.

Be that changing man NOW.


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## marigold115 (May 11, 2015)

NotLikeYou said:


> Oh. Well, in that case, I think OP has to be a pretty serious scumbag.
> 
> Don't you agree, marigold115, who joined just now to try to lend credibility to the OP's story, and who has a very similar name structure to your own and who also joined just recently?
> Yes, I do agree. And yes, I do have a similar story and joined yesterday to pose a question regarding this very topic. (See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/266218-he-just-not-into-me.html[/URL])
> ...


I assure you I am a woman and I have real problems, which is why I am here. Are you here to help people or to insult people? Scumbags come in all forms and sizes. Just sayin'.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

At this point it's not even about how far you went, by not meeting up with any of these women. Your GF gave you another chance & you spit in her face by continuing to lie & cheat after you seen how close you came to losing her the first time.

I don't see how she could ever trust you again or why she would even want to. I think you've probably lost her for good this time. You had your chance & you chose to feed your ego instead of putting her first. That's what you need to work on. Find out what's broken in you & focus on fixing that..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

As a betrayed spouse I admit I hate your actions, but I see strength in you that you at least know its wrong. You blame shifted rather nicely in your first post and I'm sure while writing it you never saw that. You liked that she was confident but don't see that confidence anymore. I'm simply asking but could this be because of your actions? You say she "let herself go" and that she is overweight. As my WW has aged there are things on her that have changed, things on me have changed, I am now balding, and what's left is graying. Is that a reason for my WW to cheat? I love my wife for hundreds of reasons, personality, humor, character, compassion, beauty, strength, and more. Should I cheat on her because she weighs more now then before she was pregnant? Should cheat on her because a slight wrinkle is forming under her eyes?

I'm not superficial and love all of her, everything that I love about her is what makes her who she is. Does she look like she's twenty one, no, and honestly I love her looks and being more then before. But you are superficial, you love the chase and conquer, and in my opinion later in life you won't like it anymore. You had someone who loved you, and then you did the worst kind of betrayal you could possibly do. I became suicidal after d-day, because I couldn't ever imagine my wife betraying me like she did. I was devastated and destroyed, I was dead on the inside. One day you may find that one woman that is your everything, and I hope you do, and how will you react if she cheats? 

Do I think you are a player, no I don't, I see you as a weak person who needs therapy to fix all that is broken inside you. And it's not just one thing, it's several things that are broke. You are barely dating material let alone marriage material. Do I think you are a scumbag, no I don't, but I do see you as a poor human being. You have the ability to change, but can you? You have low self esteem and confidence. In a way I feel sorry for you but I'm more sorry for your wife: good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Well, you aren't married, so you didn't really commit adultery. I don't think you are "scum"; you seem to have poor character however. I don't think your girlfriend will ever be able to trust you again and it's probably best to just move on, and vow to be honest in future relationships. Good luck to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Adultery? Maybe not, in the legal sense.

Cheating? Absolutely.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

workindad said:


> Just curious, did you type this with your left or right hand?


I'm ambidextrous.

Besides, my husband's hands are better


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