# Please help - the past shadows our marriage



## crossroads1214 (Nov 24, 2013)

My husband (DH) discovered this website while searching for answers to the issues in our marriage (due to my past before marriage). He showed me a few threads which he felt were relevant to our case. He thought that some of the posts were very sensible and helpful. He refuses to see a therapist, as he feels that we are the only two people who can make or break our marriage. Since I'm unable to communicate with him, I thought I would post here to see if you have any good advice pertaining to our case specifically.

DH and I are both from a south asian culture with strict moral values about virginity. When I was 19 years old, my parents moved to another country, leaving me here to finish my education. Finding myself suddenly free to make my own decisions, and with a lot of money at hand, I made some wrong decisions by getting involved with wrong men and losing my virginity. 

Without going into details that will make this thread too long, I will say that the first guy was the first love of my life - but it was mostly a long distance relationship, in which he put a lot of sexual ideas in my head, after which he unceremoniously dumped me for another woman. Unable to cope with this, I went on a self-destructive path and got involved in sexual relationships with 4 men during a span of 3 years.

I used to be a good girl who wanted simple things in life. I was not into money or a flashy ostentatious lifestyle. I had an idealized idea of love, and wanted very badly to love and be loved. But I was impulsive and lacked patience. I also lacked foresight and self-control, I went for instant gratification. I had low self esteem and I was into pleasing other people even at a great cost to myself. I would go to any extent to gain the approval of people that I admired. I did drink, to fit in with my peers, to look cool; but did no drugs. I guess sex was the drug of my choice.

After a tumultous 3 years, I met DH. He is a person with staunch moral values, he is self-confident, hardworking, handsome, funny, someone who has wholesome clean fun, is into the outdoors and travel, he is someone I am still deeply in love with after 12 years of knowing each other (5 years being married). Virginity and good moral character were extremely important to him. I did not initially consider him a potential partner, however after I got to know him, it was as if I had an epiphany. I realized that all those years I always felt like a misfit because I thought that the moral values I was raised with had no place in today's world...but after meeting him, I felt that there was another world out there, more suited to my original nature. DH was the kind of person I really wanted to be with, and he represented the kind of life I wanted for myself. However it suddenly struck me that since he was himself a virgin, he might not respect me or want to be with me because of my past. Suddenly, I was very ashamed of what I had done because I found him unblemished and above all the base things I was tainted with.
I couldn't bear to tell him the truth; yet I couldn't bear to turn my back on the friendship and love he offered me.

One day we ended up becoming sexually intimate. I had no ill intentions, I was just going with my feelings. But once we had become intimate, I worked up the courage to tell him a small bit of the truth - that I had been intimate with one person in the past. I know this was wrong now...I know it appears that I manipulated the situation - and perhaps I did - but at the time, I felt that since he had become intimate with me before marriage, perhaps he could understand and forgive my weakness. I should have told the entire truth, but I was afraid of his reaction, and I was terribly ashamed. I did not see then that it made any difference whether I had sinned once or multiple times. But I realize now that it does make a difference.

I truth trickled. I told him bits and pieces of the truth. I'm a bad liar and I never had the intention of cheating him or lying to him, but I ended up doing just that because of his reaction. He was very quiet at first, but later he exploded. We spent hours and hours over the years, where he berated me over and over, and asked why I did those things. I myself did not know why I did those terrible things. I had never before analyzed my behaviour. He eventually found out the entire truth after one and a half years, because of his persistent questioning and figuring out my lies. It was a terrible situation, for him because he could not trust me, and because he was finding out a new ugly truth every month. And for me, because I fell lower and lower into an abyss of shame and guilt. The answers I gave him were different each time he asked the questions. I think there were a few reasons for this: I was consumed with damage control, I just wanted everything to be "normal" and so I would give him the answers he wanted to hear. For example, if he said "did you do it because you were hypersexed or because of low self esteem, or because you were pressured into it?" - my answer would change, depending on how I was feeling at that moment emotionally and mentally. If I was experiencing intense shame or guilt, I would say that it was because I was hypersexual. Or if I was feeling self-pity for how I had ruined my life, I might reply that it was because of self-esteem. Or if I was angry at the first guy who I blamed for leading me astray, then I might reply that it was because I felt that I felt obliged to have sex in order to keep my partner. 

My conflicting answers frustrated DH. He thought that they were lies, because if it were the truth, then my answers should be consistent every single time. DH tends to see things in black and white, he does not understand that there were a lot of grays in my life. And so over the past 12 years, every time we had an argument, my past would invariably get dragged into it. And once I entered the spiral of guilt, I would sink into self-loathing and depression. I had truly repented and went through a period of intense self-hatred. I hated sex, and everything that was related to my previous life. I used to be a jolly, fun person - the kind of person that DH fell in love with - but because of what I went through, I stopped being funny. I became very self-conscious of myself, of how he would perceive me. I became very strict with myself, in a way, punishing myself for what I had done. In a way, I went through hell and purgatory, before I finally decided that God has forgiven me, that I am now a changed person, and that it was high time I forgave myself. So I put everything of the past into a black box, locked it, threw away the key and tossed the box out as well.

Over the years, I also lied to DH about small little things, like whether I had mailed off a letter he told me to (if I forgot, I'd say that I did, and then run off to mail it). These seem like small little lies, but it eroded his trust in me. Why did I do it? Because I was afraid of his anger. I wanted him to think that I was smart and responsible and that I was capable of not making any more mistakes. 

After 7 years of dating, we got married. DH was always committed to me, and I committed myself to him. I loved him, and I told myself that no matter how angry he gets, since it was I who brought deception into the relationship, I would absorb the pain and the shame and stay loyal to him. For if I walked away, then I would be no different from the old me. We had good times too. DH is very caring and loving, and we have had some wonderful memories together. I felt that I had wronged him, taken away his right to make an informed choice, and I loved him so I decided that no matter what, I would stick through with it. 

But somehow, I have never been able to get away from the shadow of the past. For some time in the intervening years, DH stopped talking about the past, but recently it has come back to bite me with a vengeance. Sometimes I am short tempered and get annoyed and talk rudely. When I recently became short tempered and told him "Everything has to be your way", it triggered a wave of destruction. He felt that I was ungrateful and selfish, that I never appreciated the sacrifices he has made to keep his promise to me. I was a wayward woman, and he gave me respect in society, and this is how I showed my appreciation. When DH gets angry, it is an intense anger. He is never physically violent, but he berates me for hours and hours until I am emotionally and mentally exhausted to the point where I feel that my self is disintegrating. Over and over he will ask me questions, detailed, persistent questions about the past, and when I answer those questions, he does not accept my answers, accusing me of manipulating, twisting the truth. In the first 5 years, the emotional experiences I went through - I felt like it was almost like PTSD - because of the self-loathing, I blocked off chunks of my memory. Details like what I was wearing when I had sex with a certain person for the first time. Or who took off their clothes first. Or the last name of one of my exes. Or how I lost my virginity exactly. He says that it is not possible that someone can forget that, yet I tell you that I had forgotten. DH made me call one of my exes 8 years ago and ask him why he didn't marry me...during that conversation, the guy said that I lost my virginity not by intercourse but another way. Yet when DH asked me last month how I lost my virginity, I told him it happened during intercourse (I thought that's how I must have lost it - telling DH that I don't remember is not an option). I didn't even remember him making me call the guy, I can't remember that awful conversation, yet it must have happened that way because DH says it did take place. This is when he says that I am an incorrigible liar, because he can't believe I would forget that conversation. But is there anyone on this board who can understand or believe that when one goes through severe emotional trauma, it is possible that they might forget certain things which they would rather banish from their memory?
DH says that I had no right to forget the truth before I had told it all to him. He said that when I had sex with those people, I cheated my future husband, and now, when I forgot the truth, I cheated him of the right to know the whole truth. This is the terrible state of our marriage. 

I am suffering, and I go through stages of grief, self-loathing, intense guilt and depression. We have an 18 month old son who has health issues. I feel guilty that it's because of the intense emotional stress I experienced over the course of the pregnancy. I do not blame DH, however I myself feel guilt that I was not a good daughter, nor a good wife and now I have failed as a mother. When he asks me to recount the past, it destroys me.... especially now that I am a mother, I would like to view myself as a pure woman. I feel horrible when he says things to me in front of our son, even though the baby obviously cannot understand anything. I feel terribly ashamed. DH told me that I have not given him anything to be proud of, and he once said that if I were to become a doctor, then that accomplishment would elevate me in his eyes. So now I am enrolled in school, wanting to become a doctor so that I can make him proud of me, so that I can become proud of myself, and so that I can be a better mother to my son, should he (God forbid) have medical issues. His parents live with us, and so, when we fight, I feel the stigma of being perceived as a bad wife. Thus, I am constantly stressed out. I love DH and crave his respect, adoration and affection. I am at my wits end to know what I can possibly do to change things. Hopefully some advice here can help him and me make the necessary changes in our marriage. I feel lonely, and feel like I have no one to turn to when I need a comforting smile or hug.

I've allowed myself to indulge in some self-pity there... but I don't really need sympathy. Consider DH's situation - he got a wife who turned out to be different from what he imagined her to be. She also turned out to be compulsive liar and a complete disappointment in every way. He's got nothing good out of this marriage, he says. DH often tells me that girls used to offer themselves to him, but he always saved himself for the woman he intended to marry. Without meaning to patronize me or sound condescending, the way he compares and contrasts his behaviour with mine, it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of being loved by him. This sense of inequality also creates a mental divide between us. I know I don't deserve it, but is it so wrong for me to want to be respected and adored by my husband? Or am I asking for too much? I feel like convicted felons are freer than I, they serve their sentence and then are set free. But I will never be free of the shame and ignominy of my past. That sense of hopelessness detracts from the quality of life I experience and from the quality of our marriage.

And yet, there was a time when he admired and loved me. I believe that he loves me, but he is so consumed with his anger over what I have done that it colors the way he perceives me now. I had a successful career as a technology professional, I am well-traveled, well-read, I have it in me to be a fun person, and be a good partner, friend and wife to him. However it seems like the issues in our marriage have brought out the worst in me. I am depressed, unhappy, I have grown dull and uninteresting, and I no longer take an interest in the good things life has to offer. I'm afraid to make new friends because my marriage is so unstable. I feel unattractive and I constantly feel consumed with guilt over my husband's state of mind and my son's health. DH says that the only way he will forgive me is if he gets the charming and jolly wife that he thought he was getting at first. I keep begging him to let go of the past so that I can relax my guard and stop feeling guilty. Guilt and jolliness do not go together. But he says the ball is in my court.

He will be reading this thread, so please could you share constructive advice to help us reinvent our marriage? How can we get through this?


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

While I think you were wrong to not fully disclose your past, it sounds like you disclosed it before you two got married. I think he is emotionally abusing you now. No one deserves to be yelled at for hours the way he does to you. I get the cultural background aspects because I've lived in that part of the world and have family there too. However, the fact remains you were entitled to have a life and relationships before you met him. You were wrong to keep that information from him when you first started dating, but he doesn't get to berate you for it for so many years. His insecurities are slowing killing whatever love and respect you have for him. In the end, his actions will drive you two apart.

Your value comes from your intelligence, compassion, kindness not whether your hymen was intact when you met him. 

Read the book called "Lovebusters" by Dr. Harley. I think you both will benefit from its concepts. Your husband especially should read it. More information about Lovebusters are at this link. 
Love Busters

John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (he's a well known researcher), states that the four best predictors of a marriage falling apart are contempt, defensiveness, criticism and stonewalling. You already have all four of these in your marriage from what I read in your original post.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow, that's quite painful for both of you, isn't it? 

However, I want to focus for a moment on one small part of what you wrote: "Sometimes I am short tempered and get annoyed and talk rudely. When I recently became short tempered and told him _"Everything has to be your way", it triggered a wave of destruction. He felt that I was ungrateful and selfish, that I never appreciated the sacrifices he has made to keep his promise to me. I was a wayward woman, and he gave me respect in society, and this is how I showed my appreciation. When DH gets angry, it is an intense anger. He is never physically violent, but he berates me for hours and hours until I am emotionally and mentally exhausted to the point where I feel that my self is disintegrating. Over and over he will ask me questions, detailed, persistent questions about the past, and when I answer those questions, he does not accept my answers, accusing me of manipulating, twisting the truth."_

This is the crux of the issue. He is not forgiving the past, and you are giving him a reason not to! 

The short version of how to recover: 

1. Practice 100% honesty. 
2. Do not accept him treating you with contempt. Walk away. Every single time. Let his anger be his, not yours. 

When he sees that the changes in you are real, he can choose to honor it and be grateful that HE was important enough to you to make those changes, or he can continue to be eaten up with bitterness. You have no control over that. Only he does. You DO have control over your honesty and your beliefs. 

I am a highly sexual woman that has a long, varied past with many men. I am also a wife who is deeply loved and treasured by my husband. However, in the past, I responded like you have been - feeling ashamed at times because of things my partners said that were true, but based on THEIR values. Today, I recognize that my "extra experience" is part of who I am, so I might as well embrace and love all that I gained from those experiences. If I don't love myself, I'm at the mercy of everyone else. If I do love myself and all that made me who I am, then the people around me see me as more worthy of love, too. 

You were young. You learned from the things you did. It has helped you be MORE appreciative of what your husband has brought into your life. Is he grateful that you value him so highly? If so, he needs to let go of this.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Your husband should read the Angry Outburst section in the Lovebuster link I provided. This is just a short part of a longer article there...

"We think we are using anger to protect ourselves, and it offers a simple solution to our problem -- destroy the troublemaker. If our spouse turns out to be the troublemaker, we find ourselves hurting the one we've promised to cherish and protect. When we're angry we don't care about our spouse's feelings and we are willing to scorch the culprit if it prevents us from being hurt again.

*But in the end, we have nothing to gain from anger. Punishment does not solve marital problems; it only makes your punished spouse want to inflict punishment on you, or if that doesn't work, leave you. **When you become angry with your spouse, you threaten your spouse's safety and security -- you fail to provide protection. Your spouse rises to the challenge and tries to destroy you in retaliation. When anger wins, love loses*."


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

It hurt my heart to read this post... you are a beautiful soul and you have been manipulated into believing that you are not. You are married to a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive to a degree we rarely see on this board. As is usually the case in this kind of extensive abuse, the victim (you) is trained by the abuser to blame herself. This puts you in a more vulnerable position in which you then are extending his abuse by piling your own on top. 

What happened before you met is ONLY affecting your marriage because your husband has made the decision that he wants it to affect your marriage. He knew BEFORE he married you that you were not a virgin, but he married you anyway. Was it wrong to lie about being a virgin? Sure, lying is bad. Was it a serious lie? No, it was not. You did not break a law or harm anybody. I'm sorry that you are experiencing a level of social, religious, and familial pressure that makes it very painful for you to function as a healthy adult woman, but the truth is that healthy adult women have sex, very often before marriage, and it doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them healthy adult women who have had sex before marriage. 

Your husband is probably deeply insecure BUT this is neither your fault nor your problem. Your problem is to establish a healthy, abuse-free environment for you and your child. Your child needs you.

I hope you can find a way out of this abuse. It sounds maddening. What you have described sounds like psychological torture. Emotional and verbal abuse can be extremely traumatizing and you DO need the support of a psychotherapist or abuse specialist to help you find the path to mental and emotional health. 

PLEASE be safe. Do you have a brother, male coworker, male cousin - someone who can help you to feel safe while you sort things out?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I had a father that used to keep me up all hours of the night yelling at me over my sins. He did this for 7 years while I lived at home and as often as he could after I moved out. As a result I became depressed and have been officially diagnosed with PTSD. I too used to be cheerful and jolly but being beat down for years by my own father took all that away. My father ended up disowning me because I was such an awful excuse for a daughter. I sought therapy and it would take years before I could learn to smile again. 

I wish I knew a faster way to be happy after failing someone you love but I don't.


----------



## crossroads1214 (Nov 24, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> While I think you were wrong to not fully disclose your past, it sounds like you disclosed it before you two got married. I think he is emotionally abusing you now. No one deserves to be yelled at for hours the way he does to you. I get the cultural background aspects because I've lived in that part of the world and have family there too. However, the fact remains you were entitled to have a life and relationships before you met him. You were wrong to keep that information from him when you first started dating, but he doesn't get to berate you for it for so many years. His insecurities are slowing killing whatever love and respect you have for him. In the end, his actions will drive you two apart.
> 
> Your value comes from your intelligence, compassion, kindness not whether your hymen was intact when you met him.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your post. 

I didn't have the courage to disclose the truth. He extracted it from me, each confession one by one came slowly and painfully. I feel guilty that i have changed him into a bitter man. I believe he loves me, and wants to be a good husband to me, but he cant stop himself from behaving the way that he is. We both want a better marriage, but his problem is not being able to forgive and forget, and my problem is that i am not strong enough to face his rage without becoming consumed by it. I break down and blame myself, which only makes things worse. 

I am reading Lovebusters, hopefully he will too.

Thank you once again.


----------



## crossroads1214 (Nov 24, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> This is the crux of the issue. He is not forgiving the past, and you are giving him a reason not to!
> 
> The short version of how to recover:
> 
> ...


I am determined to practice honesty. But it is very difficult when the questions are based on my past. It is also difficult because the issues are complex and subjective. When the question is, "why did you do that, how could you do that?", no answer i can give will satisfy his distress. 

He asked me a few days ago if i would forgive him if he were not a virgin, or if he were to now have an affair. My answer was yes, i would. Because 1) given my past, i dont feel like i should judge or cast a stone at anyone. 2) given what i have been through, i can forgive someone who is truly repentant. 3) i would look at what value a person brings to my life while weighing the fact that they were not a virgin. DH was upset by my answer, he said that it's obvious that i havent changed because virginity is still not a priority for me.

i am determined to do everything i can to diminish his pain, to help him through this. I only hope that relief comes in the form of forgiveness before hopelessness breaks down my endurance. 

We have a beautiful child who needs us more than ever given his condition. I want so much for us to heal for his sake as much as for our sake.


----------



## crossroads1214 (Nov 24, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> While I think you were wrong to not fully disclose your past, it sounds like you disclosed it before you two got married. I think he is emotionally abusing you now. No one deserves to be yelled at for hours the way he does to you. I get the cultural background aspects because I've lived in that part of the world and have family there too. However, the fact remains you were entitled to have a life and relationships before you met him. You were wrong to keep that information from him when you first started dating, but he doesn't get to berate you for it for so many years. His insecurities are slowing killing whatever love and respect you have for him. In the end, his actions will drive you two apart.
> 
> Your value comes from your intelligence, compassion, kindness not whether your hymen was intact when you met him.
> 
> ...


I replied to this post, but it said that it wont show up until a moderator approves it. Let me try replying again.

I unfortunately didnt have the courage to disclose the whole truth. DH had to extract it, and each confession came slowly and painfully. I feel like i have changed him into a bitter person.

He is a very loving person and can be a great husband and father. He says that he doesnt mean to hurt me, that he loves me, but he cannot control himself as he sees disturbing images in his head. I do not resent his behaviour even though it hurts me. I understand it. I just wish he would see what his reluctance to forgive is doing to us.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

crossroads1214 said:


> He asked me a few days ago if i would forgive him if he were not a virgin, or if he were to now have an affair.


You didn't have an affair. Your sexual past is not the same as having an affair after marriage. It's not the same thing at all. Once you're married you agree to forsake all others. But when you were single, you had taken no such vow to him. Don't allow him to treat you as if you're some wayward/cheating spouse because you're not. 


crossroads1214 said:


> i am determined to do everything i can to diminish his pain, to help him through this. I only hope that relief comes in the form of forgiveness before hopelessness breaks down my endurance.


You're taking on A LOT of blame when you shouldn't. Stop enabling his bad behavior. 

He had ample time to resolve these issues within himself. He's had time to read self-help books and get counseling. You're blaming yourself for his abuse. He needs to stop the emotional abuse. A loving father and husband does not yell at his wife or reduce you to the shell of a person that you once were. 

If you continue to accept his tirades, he will break your spirit . What you did pre-marriage is not a terrible thing but what he is doing now to the marriage, to you...is extremely destructive.


----------



## crossroads1214 (Nov 24, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I had a father that used to keep me up all hours of the night yelling at me over my sins. He did this for 7 years while I lived at home and as often as he could after I moved out. As a result I became depressed and have been officially diagnosed with PTSD. I too used to be cheerful and jolly but being beat down for years by my own father took all that away. My father ended up disowning me because I was such an awful excuse for a daughter. I sought therapy and it would take years before I could learn to smile again.
> 
> I wish I knew a faster way to be happy after failing someone you love but I don't.


DH's Words wound more deeply than any other weapon. However my actions have done no less damage. It doesnt matter that i was young and immature at the time, that i couldnt appreciate the consequences of my actions. I have to live with this.

Not sure what your particular situation was, but i hope you find peace and happiness. Thanks for posting.


----------



## crossroads1214 (Nov 24, 2013)

Coffee Amore - i tried replying to your post via quote, but it says that it cannot be published until a moderator approves it. Here's what i had written:

I unfortunately didnt have the courage to disclose the whole truth. DH had to extract it, and each confession came slowly and painfully. I feel like i have changed him into a bitter person.

He is a very loving person and can be a great husband and father. He says that he doesnt mean to hurt me, that he loves me, but he cannot control himself as he sees disturbing images in his head. I do not resent his behaviour though it hurts me. I understand it. I just wish he would see what his reluctance to forgive is doing to us.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Your husband has developed a very unhealthy obsession with the concept of virginity. It's bizarre, honestly. He needs to address his obsession and get over this thing because it is completely absurd. I wasn't a virgin either when I met my husband and you know what he had to say about it? "I'm glad you were loved before I found you." You have got to realize that you are buying into his obsession and making it your obsession, and that it is entirely unhealthy and pointless.


----------



## whitecat (May 17, 2013)

This is a very sad story and I feel for both you and your husband. I can relate to your sense of morals because I too was raised in a very conservative home, and also very religious home. I felt that sex was sacred (and I still do) and I remained a virgin until I married my first husband. He was also a virgin and he felt as deeply about these principles as I. So I can understand how deeply betrayed your husband felt at your deception.

However, I believe that you need to lay some ground rules in your discussions. He needs to stay focused on what the issue is. The past is the past. You made mistakes. You had regrets. This was way before he came into your life. He should not be making judgments, on you as a person or on your past actions. That is very unfair. That is not morally right. What he needs to do is focus on what was done to him. And that would be your deception, in lying to him about your past, especially when you knew already his views on sex before marriage.

It was very wrong of you to lie to him about your sexual past. But it is also understandable because you had fallen in love with him and you were so afraid that you would lose him if he knew the truth. You both need to put the past behind you and focus on rebuilding trust. It is not helpful for him to know every detail of your sexual experiences. He is fixated on this and he may need professional help to learn how to break away from this fixation. It is abusive of him to demand to know every minute detail and afterwards to beat you verbally, degrade you and make you feel shame. This is abuse. I suggest you stand firm and tell him, I do not mind answering your questions (and btw, you have every right to refuse to answer), but please leave your judgments at the door they are not helpful in healing us. If you cannot do that, then I will not participate in these talks.

Stay focused on rebuilding trust. That is being honest and truthful about everything from now on. It will take time. You both need to be patient. But it will get better. Remember to be kind and loving. Blaming and judging will only set you back and prolong the pain.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

crossroads1214 said:


> DH's Words wound more deeply than any other weapon. However my actions have done no less damage. It doesnt matter that i was young and immature at the time, that i couldnt appreciate the consequences of my actions. I have to live with this.


Even most prisoners eventually get set free. 

Does he have a timeline for how long you should pay for your actions?

And I disagree it DOES matter that you were young and immature at the time. It's a pity your husband can't see that.


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Punishing someone with his or her past, which is by definition unchangeable, is self-righteous and highly abusive. No wonder you are in pain. He has trapped you in a no-win situation, twisted you against yourself. 

I hear that you love him and wish to remain with him for all kinds of loving, good reasons. Can you separate that from the fact that his behavior is abusive?

Because it is. And it has become a classic pattern in your relationship. You are being scapegoated. He now has power over you. 

I am sorry to admit that I know more about this than I wish. Scapegoating is hideous. It's based on a pretense (facts twisted into a bizarre fiction) that allows one person to have incredible power over the other. The imbalance of power is abusive. 

Your gut is telling you something's deeply wrong with this setup, isn't it? Because you have been given no way out. No wonder you now try to protect yourself from his anger with petty mistruths: You are rightfully fearful of a person who has shown himself to use the truth against you. WHy in the world would you ever tell the truth to someone like that? 

It reminds me of the lesson in dogtraining. People call their dog, it doesn't come and doesn't come, and when it finally appears, they're so angry that they hit the dog. So the dog has now learned NOT to come when it's called--it will get hit. 

You sound like a whipped dog.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well, I feel sorry for both of you. If both of you read this, then my advice is this.

The past is in the past. It cannot be changed. There are things we have all done in the past which we now regret (or should do). But it really does not help to dwell on them, except to learn to do things better in future. We must live in the present and build our future. 

How about you both of you apologise to each other for everything you have done in the past which has made the other unhappy and ask for forgiveness? Then agree to move on, leave these things in the past and concentrate on your child's happiness. They are the future.

A word to the husband: find forgiveness in your heart if you love her (as you should); it, and it alone, will set you and her free.


----------



## crossroads1214 (Nov 24, 2013)

thank you for your posts. 

i have spent the last 10 days struggling to smooth over the creases in my marriage, but I am coming to the conclusion that the damage is irreparable. whatever changes i have brought are too late.

i am now trying to cope with the idea of life after separation. it terrifies me, mostly because of my son, who needs various therapies and needs to see doctors frequently. 

i don't know where to begin piecing my life together. i hear that it can be done, that life goes on.... but right now i just feel like there is no way out. i feel like i cannot survive this. i have no family here, no finances, no place to go, no one to confide my shame and pain to. 

i would like to hear from women who have been in my situation. where do i start from here?


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

crossroads1214 said:


> thank you for your posts.
> 
> i have spent the last 10 days struggling to smooth over the creases in my marriage, but I am coming to the conclusion that the damage is irreparable. whatever changes i have brought are too late.
> 
> ...


Are you presently outside your home country?


----------

