# Having no sex with my wife for 10 months now, please help



## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

Hi there,

I have married with my loving wife for about 4 years. We had sex couple times each week during the first two years, and it was gradually fading away in the third year. Till now we rarely have any sexual activity. To be honest, sexual fulfillment is one of the most emotional needs to me whereas my wife puts it in non-prioritized need.

When I am about to have sex with her, I try every possible way to arouse her sexual emotion by gently touching her back, thigh and kissing her shoulder and her neck. I did it all to her either when we were in bed at night or waking up in the morning. But she isn't responsive to what I am trying arouse her sexual feeling.

Most of the time, she feels indifferent and gives me an excuse that she is exhausted from work all day long and wants to sleep now. She procrastinates to the other next day but when time comes she doesn't show any interest to the promise she gave to me..

I notice that she often tells me that it doesn't the right time to have sex because there is no sufficient lubricant inside her vagina. If she does it will cause pain to her vagina during having sex. So I suggest starting with a foreplay and having an oral sex first in order to spark and arouse her sexual emotion to the point where she REALLY want it and have enough lubricant inside of her so she won't get hurt.

The problem is that not only does she not like to give me an oral sex but she also doesn't want me to give it to her too. Heck, she doesn't show hers to me. She doesn't allow me to have a look directly at her vagina because she is shy. Let alone having the oral sex. 

I think that all is proven to the reason why her vagina won't secrete sufficient lubricant that leads to denial of having sex. Sometimes I think about having one night stand but I get filled with remorse and shame of doing it just to fulfill my sexual need outside the marriage. I don't want to get trouble in our relationship just because of it.

Anyone knows how to solve this problem please help sharing your comment.

I really need your help, please.

-Terry


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just to get a better idea of your marriage, how much time do you and your wife spend together doing date-like things that you both enjoy? How many hours a week?

What are the things that the two of you do?


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## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

In a week, I think we spend more than 20 hours doing things together including talking, cooking, playing sports which both of us enjoy, watching movies at home, dining out sometimes during weekend. I tell her "I love you" every morning before she's out for work. I often give her affectionate hug and kiss on her forehead mostly in bed time. We rarely have argument.

I think it could be enough for such amount of time spent each week for us living together and doing at things we can connect to each other. 

The point is how to increase her emotional need sexually. I heard that the worry or stress causes a reduce of sexuality. I admit that I am not kind of humorous man who can give a little joke, funny talk to women anytime he wants. That's what I can realize it may be the real cause of sexual denial.

Any other comments?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I asked the question to see about the health of other parts of your relationship. It sounds like all that's good.

How old are the two of you?

Somehow, someone has to tell your wife what she needs to do to become a sexual person. It sounds like she is not in tune to her own sexuality at all.

You are going to have to let your wife know that for you the sexual part of your marriage is not going well and it badly affects you.

There are two books that might be a good start for the both of you to read. She might relate better to the first one because it's written by a woman. I would suggest that both of you read both books and talk about them. 

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide  by Michele Weiner Davis


The Sexless Marriage Fix: Rescuing a Sexless Marriage and Making It All It Can Be Using This Empowering Integrative Approach  by Robert M Fleisher DMD

And of course you can keep posting here. I have to get to sleep now as it's way past my bedtime. Hopefully someone will come along soon and talk to you. It's in the middle of the night in the USA and most of the people on TAM live in the USA.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Just a few other pertinent questions:

Were you sexually amorous with your wife prior to marriage and if so, how did it go then?

Do you have any children? Ages?

How many hours per week do either of you work outside of the home? If so, what type of work do either of you do?

Do the two of you engage in "date night" type activities, say at least on a weekly or a biweekly basis?*


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

For such a young marriage to be sexless when you've described a fairly reasonable relationship with a prior healthy sex life, there must have been something to cause her to suddenly change.

I'm sure a few will say it's premature of me to make this assumption, but the first thing that came to my mind, is that she's having an affair. You need to find out if she's not having an affair with a co-worker. I know it's a hard pill to swallow because many times we put our wives on a pedestal and talk ourselves out of thinking that our special snow flake would do such a thing. 

It is very common for a WW to cut off the husband sexually because they want to be loyal to who she considers her real man. Most woman are not emotionally capable of having sexual relationships with more than one man. The few that continue, usually give their husbands cold duty sex. 

How is the affection level between the 2 of you? Do you ever kiss. I'm talking making out? Or is she giving you pecks? 

As for not being funny or "smooth," don't let those thoughts make you doubt yourself as a man. She obviously was into you enough to marry you and the first couple of years you had a good sexual relationship. You were the same person then as you are now.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What culture / ethnic group? 

How is her parents' marriage? Immediate family?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

From what I've seen, this is a problem that just gets worse, not better. 
My thoughts are that she just is asexual or low sex drive and there's nothing you can do about that. The other is she's having an affair, but I'd think that would manifest itself in other ways.

Does she kiss you passionately ever? Does she INITIATE any physical affection with you of any kind? If not, she's likely just no longer attracted to you. No longer in love with you. If that's the case, you probably wouldn't want to hear my advice. 

It sounds like you've sat her down and discussed this problem with her and it sounds like you're getting the typical excuses and no changes.

What are you willing to do to get your needs met, which are totally reasonable?

People don't change unless forced to.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

terrylee said:


> In a week, I think we spend more than 20 hours doing things together including talking, cooking, playing sports which both of us enjoy, watching movies at home, dining out sometimes during weekend. I tell her "I love you" every morning before she's out for work. I often give her affectionate hug and kiss on her forehead mostly in bed time. We rarely have argument.
> 
> ...The point is* how to increase her emotional need sexually*. I heard that the worry or stress causes a reduce of sexuality. I admit that I am not kind of humorous man who can give a little joke, funny talk to women anytime he wants. That's what I can realize it may be the real cause of sexual denial.
> 
> Any other comments?


First of all to let you know that I was once in a Sex Starved Marriage and my wife and I have worked through that with the help of a great sex therapist and a lot of introspection, hard work and change on our parts. We now have sex twice a week and as people in our late 60's that is something we can both live with, enjoy and keeps our marriage strong.

As an aside, there are things like KY Jelly, and Coconut oil to provide lube that prevent discomfort during intercourse. There are even vaginal suppository lubes.

Your spending lots and lots of time together does not mean she is getting the "right kind of time" to make her feel loved.

Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love had a profound positive impact on my Sex Starved Marriage. I learned that my wife's primary and secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation. (The 5th love language is presents.)

My biggest problem was in figuring out what my wife viewed as an act of service. I thought that if I did the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. that was an act of service. NOPE, my wife saw those as doing my fair share of the chores and yes she appreciated the extra time but it didn't result in sex for a number of reasons. First, I was doing for the purpose of having sex with her (Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy, calls this a covert contract). She wasn't buying that. Also it was choirs and not an act of service. 

I finally after reading Glover stopped trying to set up covert contracts and learned to provide her unconditional love with not expectations of sex in return. She could tell that. One morning I got up early, made some coffee and decided I would drink it in bed. I brought her a cup and we talked about what we were each going to do that day. This was during our sex starved marriage and I had not expectation for sex with her. We didn't have sex, but she viewed this as an act of service and quality time. For the first time in years, she felt loved in her love languages. It took months after that for us to have sex, and only with the help of a sex therapist, but she started to feel loved again.

*The point is that we spent time together, I spent time doing things for her so she could rest, but none of that made her feel loved in her love languages.*

You really need to read Glover's book NMMNG. Most modern men feel that they need to have all aspects of their life validated by a woman. Glover does a good job of explaining how we got conditioned that way. This codependence or being clingy is not very attractive to women in their husbands. Glover has some suggestions on how to change your life in a positive way that makes you more confident, more integrated and more attractive to women.

A companion book for men to Glover is MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. You are in a sex starved marriage. I was in one, it is horrible. MW Davis has a lot of suggestions on what you can do to change things for the better. *One of the biggest is that you cannot change your wife, only she can change herself.* You can change yourself by Getting a Life (Glover's more integrated man), by doing 180's (if you do something and it produces negative results try doing the opposite and see if it improves things.....if it does then reinforce the new behaviors you like with positive reinforcement.) She also advises to not be clingy and give your spouse some emotional room. 

Finally, since you are in a sex starved marriage, after you have read the above books and made some changes to you life and taken some responsibility for your share of the problem (yes you own part of the problem of the lack of sex) you *ask her to go with you to a sex therapist*, explain to her that they are marriage counselors with extra training and that she is not broken, its that the two of you need someone to help you with this obvious problem.

That is how my sex starved marriage was saved. It is hard work and it will take months if not a year or so.....or never.

Good luck.


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## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

It really sounds like something changed with her. You haven't been married that long to have such a dramatic change. I hope it isn't an affair or interest in someone else. It sounds like she is giving excuses though which can be fixed or at least worked on and it sounds like you are very willing to take the time and fix them. Does she still want to married? Is she still in love with you? Is she embarrassed by something that is going on with her and she can't talk about it? Before you do anything drastic, perhaps counselling might help. Women tend to be more emotional and men more physical.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

As a counter point to EleGirl, How is your fishing equipment? at 10 months you should have a top of the line fly rod, and some waders. You should also have some boat catalogs near the couch. You should be learning to tie your own flies.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

jsmart said:


> For such a young marriage to be sexless when you've described a fairly reasonable relationship with a prior healthy sex life, there must have been something to cause her to suddenly change.
> 
> I'm sure a few will say it's premature of me to make this assumption, but the first thing that came to my mind, is that she's having an affair. You need to find out if she's not having an affair with a co-worker. I know it's a hard pill to swallow because many times we put our wives on a pedestal and talk ourselves out of thinking that our special snow flake would do such a thing.
> 
> ...


It ain't premature at all!

See a sex therapist and if does not improve you better go into snoop mode big time


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you may be TOO nice.
Workout, get yourself in best shape you can be, ALWAYS.
Both of you read the 5 love languages book & take the quiz & discuss

Here is a site with many good articles for your wife - When It Hurts: Maintaining Sexual Intimacy While Dealing with Pain - The Forgiven Wife

Does your wife have any abuse in her past?

If you don't make it clear to her that this is affecting your marriage, it will get worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you need to have some serious conversations about how vitally important sex is for a healthy marriage, and how by her depriving you of sex she is risking the marriage and putting temptation in your way. This could be done in marriage counseling. She needs to know how deeply unhappy you are and how serious this situation is.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is an all too common, and very miserable situation. 

Do you know if there is anything she is unhappy about in the relationship (reasonable or not). Is there anything sexual she wants from you that you don't do - again whether or not what she wants is reasonable. 

When you do have sex does she enjoy it? Does she often have an orgasm? Does she tell you want she likes, or does she wait for you to figure it out?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Switch and bait. Give her a timeline and divorce her if she doesn't change. I was married for 8 years, 12 years together total, and never got oral from my ex wife. I told myself I didn't need it and no biggie. Add 4 years of 100% sexless marriage at the end, I left her. Life is short, plenty of other compatible women out there that want your **** in them, in all 3 holes!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

terrylee said:


> Hi there,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




So I kind of understand what your wife is saying. There is nothing worse than not being in the mood and not being wet enough. And yes it does hurt! Sometimes when my husband initiates... I often am not feeling it for whatever reason. And I really try to get in the mood but it just gets awkward when he is touching me and I'm just not wet. During these times... I want to want to have sex if that makes sense but my body isn't responding. It's the equivalent to you wanting to have sex but being unable to get it up. So think of it that way. For me, it's embarrassing and awkward. And we can't control it. Please know that it is not within our control. Also, when I am having this dryness problem I am very guarded with my vagina because it does hurt. 

Because I get this problem my husband doesn't want to initiate often. But the good thing is, when I want sex and I initial there is no problem. I also have learned ways to make myself wet. For example, going down on my husband always works. When he initiates I usually have to go down on him for me to be ready before we have intercourse. The problem is... not to be gross but there are times I will not go down on him (after a long day of work and he didn't shower). 

So talk to your wife. Encourage her to initiate when she wants to have sex, and be open to her coming to you when she wants it. Unfortunately my husband knows that when I am in the mood it's now or never so to speak. So of course he tells me to wake him up when I have the urge lol. 

Also your wife needs to learn how to turn herself on. Sometimes I will not get lubricated no matter what hoops and jumps my husband does. She needs to find what turns herself on, and this can be trial and error. 

Another thing is... don't make her feel bad about it. Again it's like a man being unable to get it up, it's not within your control. And like men, when we are aware of it we get all mental and it makes things worse. So don't take it personal, it also doesn't mean she is not attracted to you. I am incredibly attracted to my husband, but women's sexuality is different than men's, it takes more than attractiveness to get us going.


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## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

As for having an affiar, I am quite sure she does not. I sometimes secretly went through snoop mode just to find out proofs. I took notice to the styles she dressed up, see if it looks pretty obvious than usual, how often her schedule has been made for an outside activities without me going along with her. 

I even tracked her dialing numbers and contacts through email and social media channels (LINE for example) on her smart phone, see if they are obvious numbers/male names she got in touch so often. I kept observing her behavior and see if she secretly did something alone repeatedly while being aware that someone will see her. I found nothing wrong with that. 

Except a regular work hour, she barely goes out to other places without me. Yes, someday she went home late after work but she is always available for my call, so I know exactly where she is. Alternatively, I can easily check with her friends at work for her whereabouts.

I believe in her honesty that she won't betray me by having an affair. Anyway it is necessay to always keep aware of that, just in case.



EleGirl said:


> There are two books that might be a good start for the both of you to read. She might relate better to the first one because it's written by a woman. I would suggest that both of you read both books and talk about them.
> 
> The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide  by Michele Weiner Davis
> 
> ...


Well, thanks to *EleGirl* for a helpful suggestion. I would take the first book you recommend, read it and share it with my wife, and see if it's worth following the instruction.

I talked to my wife last night and she suggested that she prefers to have sex during weekend/holiday where we have no rush and worry while staying comfortably at home. Other than that period, she is not ready for it at all.



Young at Heart said:


> As an aside, there are things like KY Jelly, and Coconut oil to provide lube that prevent discomfort during intercourse. There are even vaginal suppository lubes.
> 
> Your spending lots and lots of time together does not mean she is getting the "right kind of time" to make her feel loved.
> 
> Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love had a profound positive impact on my Sex Starved Marriage. I learned that my wife's primary and secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation. (The 5th love language is presents.)


Thanks to "*Young at Heart*", I just talked to her and she agrees to apply alternative lubes like KY Jelly, etc. to prevent discomfort during intercourse. However, it's best to have natural lube secreted inside of her, actually.



FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you may be TOO nice.
> Workout, get yourself in best shape you can be, ALWAYS.
> Both of you read the 5 love languages book & take the quiz & discuss
> 
> ...


Thanks to *FrazzledSadHusband* for recommending a great book. I like the way it sounds -- No More Mr. Nice Guy. I would read it soon.

She really embarrassed and feels awkward when showing and opening her vagina to my sight. This is my biggest problem because I don't know why she feels like that. When asked, she simply say she doesn't know why but she is just shy to let me see hers. I tried to convince her there's nothing wrong with doing that, but it didn't work. Perhaps, she is not turned on sexually much enough, so she is very defensive and embarrassed. It is my responsibility to find out what turns her on to sexual desire. Maybe seeking advice from a relationship counsellor could help.

I will give it a shot with her during weekend and see what's gonna be.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

When you guys have sex, does she come? I don't come anymore during sex and my interest in sex dropped by 98%. I still do it tho. Only one year married.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

terrylee said:


> As for having an affiar, I am quite sure she does not. I sometimes secretly went through snoop mode just to find out proofs. I took notice to the styles she dressed up, see if it looks pretty obvious than usual, how often her schedule has been made for an outside activities without me going along with her.
> 
> I even tracked her dialing numbers and contacts through email and social media channels (LINE for example) on her smart phone, see if they are obvious numbers/male names she got in touch so often. I kept observing her behavior and see if she secretly did something alone repeatedly while being aware that someone will see her. I found nothing wrong with that.
> 
> ...


There are a lot of articles on The Other Side of the Wall - The Forgiven Wife this site. I can't find link at the moment, but she has a really good one on how women feel when being naked with the lights on. She also had some good suggestions for a wife to work her way into being comfortable with the lights on.

It is frustrating, to love seeing your wife's body, but she doesn't feel comfortable.

I have read quite a few articles on forgivenwife.com to get a better understanding of my wife.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You will not like my solution to when my wife went through menopause and did not want sex anymore. She has had several surgeries on her vagina so we had not had intercourse for about 15-20 years. We cannot remember. But there are other ways to have sex. Sex is very important. If you read up on sex you will find that it releases the hormone Oxytocin whose sole purpose is to emotionally bond the couple. It is nature's way to get them to stay together to have and raise kids to pass on their genes. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child and is one of the chemicals that make up love and orgasms. Pretty important stuff. Without it you will never have the emotional bond that frequent sex produces. You will live like good friends at best. 

What I did was tell my wife that I understood her reasons but I needed sex to feel intimate with her and to relieve my sexual tension. I then said that I assume this means I can date other women. She said no and then I said you are leaving me no choice because a sex in a marriage is very important or else we might as well live like friends who can date others. She knows I have had girlfriends in the past because we did not have a monogamous marriage. For the last few years before we moved, we were having regular threesomes with her steady girlfriend.

We moved far away from our girlfriend of 30 years and that is when my wife lost all interest in sex. She was used to having both a male and female in our bed since that was the bulk of her sexual experience. I live in a very large retirement community of 150,000+ senior citizens. Women outnumber the men 10 to 1 since the husbands tend to die first. They flirt shamelessly even if you are wearing a wedding band. They fight over men. It is kind of funny to watch two 70 year old women fighting over a 70 year old man with a cane. My wife knows that I do not make idle threats and since we were not previously monogamous, I can always find someone else to spend a few nights a week with. Nothing improves a marriage and a sex life, than knowing that you have to bring your A game all the time because you cannot take each other for granted due to outside options. I know most will not understand this, but it worked well for us and between us, we had less than 10 sex partners during our marriage of 44 years and 5 of them were in threesomes with each other. That is not a lot compared to many monogamous husbands and wives I know who have more than that in a year by cheating.

Quite simply, I would not stay in a loveless marriage. If I were monogamous I would cheat. It is not unheard of for wives like yours to accept your having sex with others. You are basically just goof friend at his point and maybe not even that since I have had sex with every female I was close with.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Vinnydee said:


> You will not like my solution to when my wife went through menopause and did not want sex anymore. She has had several surgeries on her vagina so we had not had intercourse for about 15-20 years. We cannot remember. But there are other ways to have sex. Sex is very important. If you read up on sex you will find that it releases the hormone Oxytocin whose sole purpose is to emotionally bond the couple. It is nature's way to get them to stay together to have and raise kids to pass on their genes. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child and is one of the chemicals that make up love and orgasms. Pretty important stuff. Without it you will never have the emotional bond that frequent sex produces. You will live like good friends at best.
> 
> What I did was tell my wife that I understood her reasons but I needed sex to feel intimate with her and to relieve my sexual tension. I then said that I assume this means I can date other women. She said no and then I said you are leaving me no choice because a marriage is mostly about sex. No reason to even get married if you are not going to have sex. She knows I have had girlfriends in the past because we did not have a monogamous marriage. For the last few years before we moved I was having more sex with her steady girlfriend than my wife and my wife did not care. In fact it was my wife who asked her friend to take care of my sexual needs.
> 
> ...


With all due respect, I couldn't do this. I do not know if most men could. Marriage is supposed to be about love, respect and trust. In fact, my wife offered for me to have sex outside the marriage. I was so appalled that I she thought so little of our marriage and bond that she'd rather me have sex with another woman than with her. After that and little movement on our marriage, I filed for divorce begrudgingly. I guess it is okay if both of you agree to that, but for most marriages, that is not the answer. If two people in the marriage cannot express their love through intimacy, then there is no reason to be marriage. I could never agree to sex outside of a relationship; marriage or not. If I am old fashioned, then so be it. If it works for you and others, then, that is cool. However, should the OP go this route, eventually your spouse will get upset and the bond will break. At that point, you may have to pay the piper through divorce. As a person who was basically forced to file for divorce, it is incredibly painful emotionally and very expensive; even for a short marriage.

Tread lightly my friend. Tread very lightly. Perhaps you and your wife should see a sex therapist, not a MC. If she has a medical condition, that is one thing, most can work through that through other ways of intimacy (hand, oral, anal, kissing, etc.). However, a wife (or husband) who will provide no sexual relief in a relationship is pure torture. All-in-all, you are then just there for financial and emotional security for her. 

Just my take as someone who experienced what you went through. I swear, it was like Chinese water torture some days. My ex-wife would walk around the house with no cloths on, but refuse any type of intimacy. I feel for you brother. You need to nip it in the butt, and set a timeline for a resolution. Should nothing improve within one year, file for divorce. The longer the marriage is, the harder and more expensive it will be emotionally and financially. In the end, if you love her, you will let her go. I did. No reason for both of you to be in misery. Then again, my wife always said misery loves company.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

terrylee said:


> She really embarrassed and feels awkward when showing and opening her vagina to my sight. This is my biggest problem because I don't know why she feels like that. When asked, she simply say she doesn't know why but she is just shy to let me see hers.


Was she ever sexually abused or assaulted?

Also, is this a cultural issue in any way? As an American, it would be very unusual for a woman to be that shy with her husband.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> With all due respect, I couldn't do this. I do not know if most men could. Marriage is supposed to be about love, respect and trust. In fact, my wife offered for me to have sex outside the marriage. I was so appalled that I she thought so little of our marriage and bond that she'd rather me have sex with another woman than with her. After that and little movement on our marriage, I filed for divorce begrudgingly. I guess it is okay if both of you agree to that, but for most marriages, that is not the answer. If two people in the marriage cannot express their love through intimacy, then there is no reason to be marriage. I could never agree to sex outside of a relationship; marriage or not. If I am old fashioned, then so be it. If it works for you and others, then, that is cool. However, should the OP go this route, eventually your spouse will get upset and the bond will break. At that point, you may have to pay the piper through divorce. As a person who was basically forced to file for divorce, it is incredibly painful emotionally and very expensive; even for a short marriage.
> 
> Tread lightly my friend. Tread very lightly. Perhaps you and your wife should see a sex therapist, not a MC. If she has a medical condition, that is one thing, most can work through that through other ways of intimacy (hand, oral, anal, kissing, etc.). However, a wife (or husband) who will provide no sexual relief in a relationship is pure torture. All-in-all, you are then just there for financial and emotional security for her.
> 
> Just my take as someone who experienced what you went through. I swear, it was like Chinese water torture some days. My ex-wife would walk around the house with no cloths on, but refuse any type of intimacy. I feel for you brother. You need to nip it in the butt, and set a timeline for a resolution. Should nothing improve within one year, file for divorce. The longer the marriage is, the harder and more expensive it will be emotionally and financially. In the end, if you love her, you will let her go. I did. No reason for both of you to be in misery. Then again, my wife always said misery loves company.


No you are not old fashioned, you have good moral values. Faithfulness in marriage is vital.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Other posters have this well in hand.

Hoping the best for your marriage.


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## txryan (Mar 25, 2017)

Often times when I'm at work, I miss my wife of over ten years, so before I begin my six a.m. Job, I text my wife, telling her good morning 🕗 and I find her a sweet 🍬 and romantic poem so she can wake up to it to make her day...


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## Blokeymcblokeface (Mar 26, 2017)

Dude, I have this exact same problem.

My wife wants sex to make a baby, she hates oral, she hates me touching her and it makes me so sad


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

without bothering to repeat the list of possible sources of these issues (childbirth, breastfeeding, drugs, an affair, etc)

Just sit her down, tell her you did not plan of becoming a monk any time soon, and if you do not start getting laid many times a week, you will be considering divorcing her. She needs that slap in the face to realize you are serious about this! Make sure she totally understands you are serious.

What, actually, IS the purpose of marriage except to get laid a lot???


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## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

Thank you for every comment you guys/gals have posted here in this thread. Well, I think I will sit down and do a serious talk with my wife openly and honestly about resolution to the sexual problem. I will explain her there's no point in the marriage if she never ever gives me a relief of sexual tension which is one of the most common emotional needs for men. 

I don't think I am selfish while I am making most of her important emotional needs met. Many times, I told her sexual fulfillment is one of my important emotional needs, like most men. However, I don't think she really gets into it due to the difference between female's and male's emotional desire.

To be honest, I sometimes let my thought go randomly just to fulfill my sexual desire when I need it badly. I thought if I can't get it from my wife, I will have other women do it for me one day. And then, sooner or later our relationship will fall into touble for what I did. She will upset and disappoint over the affair I made. But what else can I do? 

I will give her choice -- having sex with me, the man you married with, or letting me have sex with other women. See how she reacts. If she agrees to having sex with me but refuses the oral sex (let alone intercouse), then it's better to stop having sex now. Instead we both should necessarily be consulting with a sex therapist and seeking advice for the solutions. That's the only idea I can come up with.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

john117 said:


> What culture / ethnic group?


I see this question come up quite a bit. What is the relevance? Do different ethnic groups have different drives or attitudes to sex?
Just curious. Not trying to start a fight!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're def getting manipulated. She's decided putting sex off until holidays? Lol, I'll bet you don't get it then, either.
She doesn't want sex with you.
Maybe not anyone.

Either way, I'd let her go. She's lying to you. She never wants sex with you.

You will waste years on this relationship that doesn't satisfy your needs if you're not careful.
There are lots of women out there that love sex.


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## Blokeymcblokeface (Mar 26, 2017)

Dude, I'm in a relationship where I get sex... it's just same old same old to have a baby!!

I'm being told there's lots of women who love sex but ima also struggling to see past my wife who doesn't so it's hard to believe that others might actually like it and want it


Maybe we just got to listen to these guys? Hopefully some of the people saying women love it are females so it's easier to believe


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Blokeymcblokeface said:


> Dude, I have this exact same problem.
> 
> My wife wants sex to make a baby, she hates oral, she hates me touching her and it makes me so sad


Better work it out with her BEFORE a baby, otherwise you will get attached to the baby and she can threaten you with divorce & limited access to your kid.

Also, once she gets what she wants, you won't get what you want.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

terrylee said:


> ...To be honest, I sometimes let my thought go randomly just to fulfill my sexual desire when I need it badly. I thought i*f I can't get it from my wife, I will have other women do it for me one day.* And then, sooner or later our relationship will fall into touble for what I did. She will upset and disappoint over the affair I made. But what else can I do?
> 
> I* will give her choice -- having sex with me, the man you married with, or letting me have sex with other women. See how she reacts.* If she agrees to having sex with me but refuses the oral sex (let alone intercouse), then it's better to stop having sex now. *Instead we both should necessarily be consulting with a sex therapist and seeking advice for the solutions.* That's the only idea I can come up with.


Having sex with another woman outside of your marriage will likely destroy your marriage. If that is the direction you want to take, then sit down with her and figure out how to end your marriage.

Even if you do decide to end your marriage, you need to get some counseling so that the both of you have a shot at making your next marriages work. That is why getting counseling first in an attempt to save you marriage is always a wife approach. You will need to spend the money on counseling sooner or later. If you do it sooner, you may avoid paying more money in divorce attorney fees and court costs.

Your post still assumes you are right and she is wrong. Don't be surprised in in counseling, you learn that you own part of the problems in your marriage.

Good luck.


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## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

Thank you, Young at Heart, for suggestion. Your advice is on the right path to this situation. I and my wife will go through a serious discussion about it. The best way for both of us is to see marriage counselor or sex therapist for the right solution.


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## Blokeymcblokeface (Mar 26, 2017)

terrylee said:


> Thank you, Young at Heart, for suggestion. Your advice is on the right path to this situation. I and my wife will go through a serious discussion about it. The best way for both of us is to see marriage counselor or sex therapist for the right solution.



If you wife started to want sex, but said no to any form of oral or anything involving fingers then would that be acceptable to you?


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## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

If not getting started with the oral or any foreplay, then we would miss a little yet important ingredient during sex. Plus no lube coming out in hers vagina that prevents hurt during intercourse. I doubt what else we can possibly act during sex without the oral or anything involvin fingers, and not taking intercourse into account.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> I see this question come up quite a bit. What is the relevance? Do different ethnic groups have different drives or attitudes to sex?
> Just curious. Not trying to start a fight!


Culture is about as good a predictor of such things as you can get, especially in cross cultural marriage, or marriage of people from the same culture who move to another country or culture...

That and family of origin (FOO).


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

john117 said:


> Culture is about as good a predictor of such things as you can get, especially in cross cultural marriage, or marriage of people from the same culture who move to another country or culture...
> 
> That and family of origin (FOO).




You mean some cultures are less horny than others? Have studies been done on it I wonder? Or is it too racist.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blokeymcblokeface (Mar 26, 2017)

I also think it's to do with upbringing , although my wife's family are all very open about it and she's the only closed off one who isn't interested ... I chose the wrong sister it seems haha


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> You mean some cultures are less horny than others? Have studies been done on it I wonder? Or is it too racist.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Plenty of studies with wildly different results... 

http://www.therichest.com/rich-list/poorest-list/the-10-least-sexually-active-countries/


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## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

Unbelievable... Only 65% of Thailand’s citizens report having sex. However Thailand comes to the top of the list of 10 Countries Having The Least Sex, as of 23 Feb 2014.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

terrylee said:


> Unbelievable... Only 65% of Thailand’s citizens report having sex. However Thailand comes to the top of the list of 10 Countries Having The Least Sex, as of 23 Feb 2014.


As the TAM self proclaimed social sciences expert I will say there's some truth there.

My brother in law spent six months there in the early 80s waiting for medical school admission. He ended up in the Philippines... He reported lots of nookie but not the dating wholesome nookie we associate with relationships​  

In general, cultures that are more reserved may have lower sex drives. But it's all about how these cultures see and are seen by westerners. India is probably a more reserved culture than Italy, but Indians wrote Kamasutra so...

I would look for peer reviewed serious publications, not random pieces of work on the internet. But I would definitely consider culture and family of origin. Someone coming from a crazy family is much more likely to have inherited or learned a good set of destructive behaviors...


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

To be blunt, your wife needs to understand the prospect of losing you. This will cause her to respect you more and will help to revive her attraction for you.


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## Blokeymcblokeface (Mar 26, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> To be blunt, your wife needs to understand the prospect of losing you. This will cause her to respect you more and will help to revive her attraction for you.



Best advice ever.... who should do the talking ?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@Blokeymcblokeface

@terrylee


Do not have children with your wives until you have resolved the massive sexual dysfunction in your marriages.


Having babies does not make the problems in a marriage go away.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Nina0 said:


> When you guys have sex, does she come? I don't come anymore during sex and my interest in sex dropped by 98%. I still do it tho. Only one year married.



Fascinating. You really think that your interest in sex stopped because you stopped cumming? There's no chance you stopped cumming because your interest dropped? THAT would parallel the OP's wife perfectly. What you are implying is a bit counter-intuitive. I'm only half way through this thread and I am amazed at all of the WOMEN who are asking how sex with her is different with her when she likes it as opposed to when she can't get "lubricated/enjoy it".

I'll go out on a limb and answer that for him. "She never really does like it".

OK. I was wrong. But E58 did the honors though:



Evinrude58 said:


> You're def getting manipulated. She's decided putting sex off until holidays? Lol, I'll bet you don't get it then, either.
> She doesn't want sex with you.
> Maybe not anyone.
> 
> ...


Back to you gals on the board. How is it possible so many of you thought there were ever times she enjoyed sex with him? How many of you REALLY think it is the dry vag. that's keeping her frigid? If my wife came to me and said: "Honey, I've still got that serious dryness problem, but I love you so freakin' much that I'll STILL make you the happiest individual ever born with a penis..." 

I'd be the happiest man alive. 

The OP's wife uses it as an excuse to roll over and go to sleep.


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