# I dont want to lose hope



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

My H and I have been separated for a little over a month now and have recently begun speaking.
When he first left, he was adament he wanted a D and refused to speak to me.
I did all the things you aren't supposed to do (pleading, crying, etc) so I stopped.
I started spending time with friends. I got a new haircut. I bought some new clothes.
Within the past 2 weeks, H has been reaching out more, saying he doesn't want to D-at least not right now.
He'd like us to spend time together, date one another and take things slow.

He always kisses me, tells me he loves me, etc. I think he is scared that if we were to reconcile, that things would go back to how they were, which neither one of us want.
I know I have to be patient and let time be my friend and continue IC for myself, but in the back of my mind I worry what if we don't work it out?

I'm sure I am not alone in my fears.
Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

These are valid fears. The trick is, you get through this not by just wanting it so badly, but by picking up new tools to help your relationship grow and stay that way. Has he considered going to MC? The signs he's shown are positive ones. I wish mine were as positive. My H never says the D word, but he doesn't know if he wants to try to work this out, for the same reasons you state - he's afraid to be back here and he can't hit rock bottom again. He has been talking to me, but he is always so defensive. So I finally asked for limited contact and now he's shut me out completely. I asked for it in a heartfelt letter saying that I wanted us to work but that I needed to pull myself back because it hurt so much. He responded by deleting me from facebook. So, we aren't on good terms, obviously. 

My advice is to be patient, take things slow, but be positive and hopeful. The only regret you'd have is not giving it a chance.


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Wow, this is great, I agree with LonelyNLost, picking up new tools and moving forward slowly. BTW LonelyNLost i deleted my wife from FB a few days ago and then she sent me a new friend request. Dont worry about FB you will see that things will only get better, time heals all wounds.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

My H and I are not friends on FB either and I think it's better that way.
I know I would be tempted to stalk and I don't want to do that.

I'm not sure if he would be interested in MC, I don't think he would be right at this very minute, but he did ask if maybe he could attend one of my IC sessions in the next few weeks.
That was something I really wanted him to do before but he was never interested.

I just hope and pray we can get through this. Some days I am confident, and other days I'm not.
I know I am not the same woman he left, and that gives me comfort. I just hope he'll eventually notice the changes in me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

FB is a passing fancy, the hurt and rejection created by not friending him can be very bad, it can bring up all kinds of trust issues. Yea, I'm old fashion, I think FB should be for the young kids, like 6 and under but marriage should be a one on one, up close and personal, not spent on the 'ol computer. You are doing very well w/ the IC and I think he'll see the error of his ways. Chin up, you have friends, new look, and he wants you!!  Have a GREAT DAY!!
Mouse


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Sas581011 said:


> Wow, this is great, I agree with LonelyNLost, picking up new tools and moving forward slowly. BTW LonelyNLost i deleted my wife from FB a few days ago and then she sent me a new friend request. Dont worry about FB you will see that things will only get better, time heals all wounds.


Just for the record, I HATE facebook. I think it's useful for family members and good friends, but drudging up people (especially ex's) from your past is bad news. My whole insecurity and mistrust of H has to do with one of his facebook friends, who happens to be his first love. So he knows it stung when he deleted me. I'm NOT sending him a friend request, actually I'm not even going to mention it. 

Did you delete your wife and all her family and friends? WHy did you delete her? I hope time heals wounds, but he needs to stop inflicting them on me, lol.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I deleted my H and his family. 
We still have mutual friends on FB and I have asked them to specifically not tell me anything that he posts because I don't want to know.

It blows my mind how much drama FB creates. Seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

See. I am still fully FB connected. I do not want to do a preemptive strike and remove her and her family as right now I find it nice to see that she is active...but I can imagine how it could get weird fast.

Hrm.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oak said:


> See. I am still fully FB connected. I do not want to do a preemptive strike and remove her and her family as right now I find it nice to see that she is active...but I can imagine how it could get weird fast.
> 
> Hrm.


I know! Why did he delete me? He must think we are over and there's no chance of reconciliation. The whole premise of this separation was that we take a step back and work on reconnecting without the tension. Yeah, he's done a lot to work towards that, obviously. A week ago he was telling me he wanted to delete me because he couldn't stand people posting on my stuff and it was making him overanalyze everything. It does blow my mind how much drama FB creates. I mean, we wouldn't be separated right now if it weren't for facebook. Well, it's not facebook, it's HIM on facebook. And trampy ex girlfriends.

Sorry, totally off topic. I wish you luck, OP!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When my separation went down, I deleted myself off FB and never went back. That was almost 1.5 yr ago. Interestingly, my stbx got on right as soon as we separated and is now an avid FB user and has mostly all females as friends, including the wh-re! Happy networking, a--hole!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Lonely-you can't assume what he is thinking.
You don't know for sure what is going on through his head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

This living in limbo sucks.
I try to not think about it, I try to keep myself busy
But all I can think about is how badly I want him to come home.

Some days I am positive about my situation, and other days I think that maybe I am fooling myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

A little bit of an update on my situation....
We are still separated, but spending some time together. It's been kind of nice. We've talked and laughed more in the past week then we did the last 3 months he was at home.
He told me that he does not want a divorce, but he wants to take things slowly. I agree, neither one of us wants our old marriage back.

I have been keeping myself busy with friends, and my kids. I don't sit around waiting for him or anything, I am still working on making changes for myself. There is no guarantee that we will get back together, and I don't want to have my happiness contingent on the state of my marriage.

One day at a time......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

DelinquentGurl said:


> A little bit of an update on my situation....
> We are still separated, but spending some time together. It's been kind of nice. We've talked and laughed more in the past week then we did the last 3 months he was at home.
> He told me that he does not want a divorce, but he wants to take things slowly. I agree, neither one of us wants our old marriage back.
> 
> ...


You sound like you are in a great place! I'm definitely jealous. But I'm working on being okay. I'm gearing up for a big nasty divorce I believe. He left custody paperwork in my car asking for 50/50 custody. I had to go see a lawyer who advised me on how to negotiate him having a regular dad schedule. I'm working on that now. I wish he wasn't so set on divorcing, though he hasn't even said the word TO MY FACE yet. But he isn't wearing his ring and he's filling out divorce settlement papers. I just think he doesn't have the money to file!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

DelinquentGurl...keep doing what you're doing,this is exactly what I did and it worked for me....wish you Good Luck.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Well, we've been apart over 2 months now and I just can't take the uncertainty of it all.
I don't want to give up, this is the most important relationship I've ever had in my life.
While he is adamant he does not want a D, he has not said to me that he is committed to working through everything with me. 
He's afraid that things will go back to how they used to be.
I understand his fears-I don't want them to go back to how they used to be either!

I wish I had a crystal ball...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Hi DG was reading your posts for a while. My jusband and I are splitting up in the near future, I hope it can be avoided, but we are working towards sorting our finances to allow him to be able to rent a room nearby. The aim for him to sort out his personal issues (which I agree he needs to do). Then see what happens from there. We have been so much happeir and friendlier in the past few days since this decision was reached, prob relief on his part. Plans are to keep rings on, still see each other, will try to live close by so easy tosee our daughter (16yrs). Also we live near the coast and nice forwalks etc.

I am really interested to see how you are managing now with your situation. I don't intend to wait around for him every weekend, and have lots of friens to see. However of course like you he will always be in the back of my mind. I don't think we should separate now, but he feel he really needs this.

Is it getting any easier for you, and how are things working out? I do hope one way or the other, it is feeling a bit easier.


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