# Tips for dealing with being in limbo



## lifewithcrazy (Nov 21, 2013)

So I posted here almost a month ago that my H and I separated with the intent of filing for divorce. In the intervening time we have decided not to divorce just yet to give me time to find a "real" job with insurance because I have so many health issues. Fair enough. 

H moved out and got an apartment. Says it's month-to-month, but who knows with him, since he has a history of lying about everything. 

I went no contact after a few days of e-mails back and forth, both to regroup and get my wits about me and to just stop the insanity. If he wants out, he can be out but doesn't get to have it both ways.

Since then he is getting worse with the cake eating aspect of it. He wants to come over and visit, gets upset if I don't invite him to stay for dinner, upset if I don't invite him to spend the night, upset if I'm short with him when he wants to talk about all the mistakes I made, et cetera, et cetera.

I told him pretty much, "Look, I'm not cool with what you're doing. If you want out, then be out, but you don't get to have it both ways and be here for family life, dinner, and sex when it suits you and then walk back out the door to your apartment and whatever life you're building away from here." 

I've started back to therapy and she agrees that I'm handling it the right way, especially since this is the sixth separation in a short time period. Her advice is to simply cut all strings and don't let him back in my life in any way, shape or form because of all the crap he has pulled.

I'm doing my part and looking really hard for a job with insurance so that we can officially divorce. 

This "limbo" is so hard on me, though, because there are so many mixed messages: He hates me, he loves me; he wants to come home, he can't stand it here. He wants me to sit here waiting on him while he goes out and jumpstarts his new life. 

Besides holding steady on the no contact thing and staying in therapy, what else do you do to get through this really crappy limbo period? I feel like I'm losing my mind.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're in limbo because you let yourself be in limbo. You need to figure out your boundaries and enforce them. If I was you, I'd be figuring out what a divorce wod look like (in terms of custody, finances, etc) and set those as your boundaries. Might as well get used to the new reality, since you're only married due to a technicality, right? For that matter, you can start talking to lawyers and get all the paperwork drawn up, so when the divorce comes, it's just a matter of signing the papers. 

If you're not going to get divorced, then you both need to be actively working on your issues. Counseling, reading through books (together or separately), whatever it takes. Whatever you decide, pick a path and commit to it. And then you'll avoid limbo. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifewithcrazy (Nov 21, 2013)

PBear said:


> You're in limbo because you let yourself be in limbo. You need to figure out your boundaries and enforce them. If I was you, I'd be figuring out what a divorce wod look like (in terms of custody, finances, etc) and set those as your boundaries. Might as well get used to the new reality, since you're only married due to a technicality, right? For that matter, you can start talking to lawyers and get all the paperwork drawn up, so when the divorce comes, it's just a matter of signing the papers.
> 
> If you're not going to get divorced, then you both need to be actively working on your issues. Counseling, reading through books (together or separately), whatever it takes. Whatever you decide, pick a path and commit to it. And then you'll avoid limbo.
> 
> ...


Thank you! This is right in line with the advice my therapist started to touch on before we ran out of time the other day. She was pretty much telling me that it was obvious that I was going to have to be the one to draw some pretty hard lines because he will take advantage of any ambiguity and continue to cake eat for as long as he can get away with it.

I do have an appointment with a lawyer next week to go ahead and get an idea of what I'm looking at, et cetera. 

I don't know why I feel so bad every time he pushes and I say no. On the one hand I'm ticked that he continues to think it's okay to do what he's doing, but on the other hand I feel like I have to protect myself from him and am doing a crappy job of that, I guess.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lifewithcrazy said:


> Thank you! This is right in line with the advice my therapist started to touch on before we ran out of time the other day. She was pretty much telling me that it was obvious that I was going to have to be the one to draw some pretty hard lines because he will take advantage of any ambiguity and continue to cake eat for as long as he can get away with it.
> 
> I do have an appointment with a lawyer next week to go ahead and get an idea of what I'm looking at, et cetera.
> 
> I don't know why I feel so bad every time he pushes and I say no. On the one hand I'm ticked that he continues to think it's okay to do what he's doing, but on the other hand I feel like I have to protect myself from him and am doing a crappy job of that, I guess.


It's a work in progress. Most people haven't been through anything like this before, and have to feel their way through. Don't be hard on yourself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

"He has a history of lying about everything'

That tendency generally goes along with a tendency to manipulate and play people to their advantage. Your nature may be one of giving in to get along, or feeling guilty about setting healthy boundaries. You know he is cake eating, and are very wise to stop him from this.

Going out with friends/family, and exercising as much as possible helps. Journaling your thoughts for 10 minutes a day also helps. There are some excellent books out regarding how to start a new chapter of your life after divorce. 

Remind yourself that you deserve much better than a liar and a user.


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