# What can I expect?



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Recap: Caught in EA over a month ago. My wife forgave me. I have self imposed NC and boundaries. I'm in IC. We are working on fixing things. End of recap.

My wife will be out of town for a few days next week. I will be home alone for those nights. I hope to keep myself busy so that I don't dwell too much on the EA, or make a stupid decision to violate the NC. I REALLY don't want anything like that to even enter my mind. What can expect from my mind when I'm at home alone? Any suggestions to help make things go easy as possible? What can I expect? I will be going to the gym each night. I'm not social, so I won't be talking to anyone there.

My wife will be in a hotel alone those nights. What will she likely be thinking with all of that time alone? Is it possible that she might make a decision on us? What can I expect?

I'm sure my wife and I will talk via text and or phone during that period. But there will be times we aren't talking. 

Any input would be appreciated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your wife will be thinking long and hard about ur affair and wondering if u are talking to or out with the other woman. U will be mulling everything over in ur head. The fact u say u don't waant to mae a stupid decision and violate NC tells me u still don't get it and/or the gravity of what u did hasn't hit u yet...or that ur not that committed to reconciliation. U wouldn't even consider that if u were.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Recap: Caught in EA over a month ago. My wife forgave me. I have self imposed NC and boundaries. I'm in IC. We are working on fixing things. End of recap.
> 
> My wife will be out of town for a few days next week. I will be home alone for those nights. I hope to keep myself busy so that I don't dwell too much on the EA, or make a stupid decision to violate the NC. I REALLY don't want anything like that to even enter my mind. What can expect from my mind when I'm at home alone? Any suggestions to help make things go easy as possible? What can I expect? I will be going to the gym each night. I'm not social, so I won't be talking to anyone there.
> 
> ...


Well if I was in your shoes I would consider the following. First of all if you're still having doubts about controlling your behavior I might suggest going to speak to someone. That will not only help you but be a very nice sign to your wife that you want to change. As for your wife being out of town you said you will be home alone at night and she will be alone in a hotel room at night. Why not keep each other company like you said but make nights of it. Talk on the phone, text, email, or play a computer game like scrabble together online.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do you have skype with cameras on her laptop and the comp at home- you can video chat with her and maybe even get a little sexy?


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Why on earth would you want to violate the NC?? Hasn't your EA caused enough grief already? If you're not chatting with your wife, watch some t.v. or listen to music.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I have to disagree with your assessment of me, but I do understand how I led you there with my statements. I clearly understand the gravity of what I did or I wouldn't be so concerned about her thinking while she's out on her own.

I have also recognized that I have a weakness that surprised even me, and I never, ever want to see any form of that weakness again. I want my chances for success to be the best they can be. I have a plan, and I'm seeking advice for improving that plan in the vent that I missed something or didn't anticipate something happening in my mind.

With humans, we can expect any behavior. So I'm being realistic, and want to further my chances of mental survival. I WILL NOT break the NC or any boundaries. I'm concerned about my mental state during those lonely times. I want to focus on R and what more needs to be done with positive thoughts accompanying the focus. I do not want to think about the EA in any form. 

I want my wife. I want to be a better husband than I've ever been. I want our marriage to be stronger than it's ever been. To achieve the aforementioned goals takes a plan and a ton of work. I want the best plan I get.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

We do have Skype, but she thinks it's creepy. I have no idea why she thinks that. Never could figure that one out. So I let it go. Haven't used it in years now.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If you were still in an affair and alone as was the OW I am sure you would have found a creative way of being in contact . 

Why don't you use that same creativity to focus your attention to your wife? You've spent long enough in an EA to have learnt what to say and what buttons to push to engage a woman's attention, start practicing for real with your wife , behave and flirt as if dating each other is new.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Eli-Zor: I do that now, and more. My concern is the alone time we both will have.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> We do have Skype, but she thinks it's creepy. I have no idea why she thinks that. Never could figure that one out. So I let it go. Haven't used it in years now.


maybe she won't now that she will get the security to see you- maybe ask her again?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Just learned that she will not have Internet access from anything other than her BB.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Just learned that she will not have Internet access from anything other than her BB.



??? What hotel doesnt have wifi?!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It has it, but she would have to pay $$ to use it. Her company will not pay for it. She doesn't want to pay for it either.

By the way, I suck at Scrabble.

Perhaps I should just plan on taking a safe sleep aid each night after a late dinner.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why don't you surprise your wife and join her on her trip?


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

HerToo said:


> I have to disagree with your assessment of me, but I do understand how I led you there with my statements. I clearly understand the gravity of what I did or I wouldn't be so concerned about her thinking while she's out on her own.
> 
> I have also recognized that I have a weakness that surprised even me, and I never, ever want to see any form of that weakness again. I want my chances for success to be the best they can be. I have a plan, and I'm seeking advice for improving that plan in the vent that I missed something or didn't anticipate something happening in my mind.
> 
> ...


I really hope things work out for the both of you...I really believe that going through hard times makes us even stronger, and also makes us appreciate what we could have lost forever.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I have to disagree with your assessment of me, but I do understand how I led you there with my statements. I clearly understand the gravity of what I did or I wouldn't be so concerned about her thinking while she's out on her own.
> 
> I have also recognized that I have a weakness that surprised even me, and I never, ever want to see any form of that weakness again. I want my chances for success to be the best they can be. I have a plan, and I'm seeking advice for improving that plan in the vent that I missed something or didn't anticipate something happening in my mind.
> 
> ...


You know you sound like someone who has been hit by a bus, rather than someone who chose to have an A. It is an active choice you know? It isn't like getting a cold, or being struck by lighting. People who have A's choose them. It is not a "weakness", that can't been helped. Maybe accepting that and the responsibility that go's with that knowledge, will strengthen your resolve.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I will be joining her later in the week. That has already been planned by us.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I will be joining her later in the week. That has already been planned by us.


Good for you! Part of our R is that he no longer go's on overnight training trips unless I can come too. It's really been good for us to get away together.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've already implement me not traveling for quite some time. I get offers from numerous conferences to attend at no cost to me. I have refused them all. I will not go visit longtime childhood friends either. 

Besides, I'd rather be with my wife.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Remember that question about slamming my man parts in a car door from another thread?? Well, if you get tempted just take a quick walk out to the garage and proceed!!  

All kidding aside, if you normally have a drink or two at night - don't - remember alcohol is a depressant. Like you said go to the gym instead. I can't remember how you and your XAP communicated most frequently but if it was online stay away from your computer. Avoid anything that you associate with the affair. Don't put yourself in the position of having a lot of time to contemplate things -work late, go work out, build a model airplane - anything to keep you occupied and when you're done - go to sleep, take an ambien or something if you need to. Hell, jump on here and ask for help keeping you distracted. PM me - I'll talk you out of it.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I don't understand why you would be worried about breaking the NC rule? If you truly are as dedicated about making your marriage work as you say you are, you won't even think twice about doing just that.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks Sigma. I rarely drink, so that's not a problem. Like I said, I will go to the gym, take my time in making myself some dinner, communicate with my wife, and take a sleep aid.

@Apple: Because I'm human, and I know I have a weakness that I didn't know was there before I started my EA. I can't say it's under control until it's fully tested. And I want to pass that test with flying colors! That's why I don't even what the chance to think about doing it. My wife has a fear I will, and shared that with me last night. I told her that I clearly understand the consequences of doing so. She then replied that there are many ways that I could hide it from her again. I told her I know, and I'm not giving the idea of hiding anything a thought. She is so scared, and I want to make her proud of me, trust me a little more, and help her worry less each day.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

How did the two of you communicate most frequently? Could you swap cell phones, or have her cc'd on your email for the time she's gone? Could she check cell phone call and text records on her BB? Ultimately she's right, if you really want to break NC and hide it from her you can (which I believe is not the case) - but you may be able to do some things that will help give her some peace of mind while she's away. 

Her peace of mind and reestablishing trust is all about your actions - find something that will help her see that you are abiding by NC while she's gone and do it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you are asking about how the OW and I communicated, we texted, emailed, and I called her from work and sometimes on my cell. As for my wife, we talked in person. Rarely used other methods, even before EA. Now we text each other quite a bit.

She can access everything that I have access to, including phone bills. I've even offered to give her my phone. We can't swap phones because she gets work related emails on hers. 

I don't know what else I can do to help ease the fear except to call her at talk for a long time. I'll ask her for ideas.

She cried several times last night about this fear. She also could not remember conversations we had just an hour before. I had to repeat earlier conversations several times. I had to ask her if she was feeling okay medically since we are not young anymore. She took offense and said that she's under some heavy stress and to back off. I apologized and explained that I was checking on her to make sure that she didn't have a medical issue as well.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I have faith in you. You will do just fine.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I was thinking of communication with your XAP, just thinking out loud. 

It's going to be hard to help her feel better about it. Personally I'm not worried about you, but I think she may have a hard time while she's gone - letting her imagination run wild and creating all kind of bad scenarios in her mind. I think really the only thing you can do is just try to talk to her as much as possible, text her frequently, just let her know you're thinking about her and not the OW.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your doing fine 
Admitting that you still have thoughts or the OWis a good thing. It is admission that you are human. 
What are the consequences of breaking NC? Remind yourself. Hourly. 
Do something for yourself. You need to pull a 180 too! 

If you want to break NC. Come here and type, type type.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks!


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