# Had the I don't wanna get married talk but she's in denial.



## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

So to start im 30 and my fiancé is 26 and we've been living together 7 yrs far from either one of our families. For most part it's like we get along well like good roommates but on occasion get into blowouts about our relationship. I feel like there's a lot of resentment towards each other for being located away from family, a past cheating spisode(her), lack of sexual intimacy(had talk of little use), and of course other little things. 

So as the title states i had the I don't wanna get married talk or fight of a better phrase but she's in denial. Been dating ten yrs now and the closer its getting to the wedding the more I've been dreading it. From what i have taken in from her actions and words i felt that maybe she was not all that into the relationship anymore either, but when i finally mustered up nerve to say i dont wanna get married she did a 180 and started acting like i dropped an unexpected bombshell on her. It's just so difficult because we are young with no family support to make a transition away from each other. I just feel she is in total denial because she is scare of change. At this point I don't know what else to do but move forward and wait for next fight .
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

What does move forward mean? Do you want to break up or stay together without getting married?

If you've been together 10 years, she was 16 when you first started dating. She knows nothing else, including how to stand on her own two feet on her own. 

Maybe moving back to where she has family would be helpful if you're breaking up.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

norajane said:


> What does move forward mean? Do you want to break up or stay together without getting married?
> 
> If you've been together 10 years, she was 16 when you first started dating. She knows nothing else, including how to stand on her own two feet on her own.
> 
> Maybe moving back to where she has family would be helpful if you're breaking up.


I guess just move forward with the relationship and not talk about any marriage for now. This is pretty much what she wants, but I deep down think its a waste of both out time. You're right that she's never stood on her own two feet, and I think that's why this is so difficult for her to accept that relationship is over. She must have made me say I don't want to get married 5 times the other night but she still seems in denial. Moving back with her family would be ideal but like I said she can't handle change well.
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If you're certain you don't want to get married or stay together with no purpose, then stand your ground and continue to be firm about what you want. It may take her a while, but she'll get past the denial when she sees you're serious. And eventually, she'll see the wisdom in it.

If she wants marriage and a family, then staying further with you will only block her from ever having that. That, I'm sure, would be a big regret for her. Yeah, she may be afraid of being independent for the first time in her life, and she may be afraid of what the future brings, but that's not a good enough reason to stay together, especially since you aren't on the same page.

10 years is long enough to know your mind!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Get into couples counseling NOW. Find an affordable solution and do it. A therapist will help EACH of you decide WHAT you want out of life, whether this relationship will HELP both of you to your goals, and (if not) how to transition into a new life separately.

It hasn't worked on your own, so it's time to get professional help to help direct you to your own conclusions.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Get into couples counseling NOW. Find an affordable solution and do it. A therapist will help EACH of you decide WHAT you want out of life, whether this relationship will HELP both of you to your goals, and (if not) how to transition into a new life separately.
> 
> It hasn't worked on your own, so it's time to get professional help to help direct you to your own conclusions.


I've actually brought up premarital counseling just for this reason. Hopefully hearing and talking to a professional will open her up to how she really feels so we can get on with our lives. 
In mean time will try to stand firm
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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If the sex and intimacy isn't there, after the wedding it's not going to get any better. And IF you have kids, it's only going to get 100X worse.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

CH said:


> If the sex and intimacy isn't there, after the wedding it's not going to get any better. And IF you have kids, it's only going to get 100X worse.


Yah I've definately said that to her. We have maybe 5-7 times over last year. After last blowout she said she'd try harder but she still think once every week or two is normal. I told her its not normal to have to try so hard. She doesn't seem to think its that important to a relationship.
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Oh My God!

Do NOT marry this woman!

You two have SERIOUSLY mismatched sex drives and expectations and I don't think any amount of counseling will change that.

Sure, she might up her game in the frequency arena but most likely it will be "chore" sex or "duty" sex. Trust me, you don't want that!

Don't get guilted into marry her! Do not let her tell you how she's :wasted her youth on you and you owe her" or any nonsense like that!

Please, get away from her as soon as you can and CANCEL the wedding! If you don't, you'll regret it the rest of your life!


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Exactly. It's a relationship, there are no vows involved. Why do you want to continue the relationship anyway? Break it up dude.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

So we've being talking about putting off our November wedding for now and work on us, which I thought was a start, when as we were heading out for dinner last night she lands a sucker punch. Not only did she start talking about wedding stuff, but she brought up just eloping with the two of us over the summer. I couldn't believe it. Our relationship is on the rocks and she wants to move up the wedding now. This is the kind of denial crap I'm talking about. I feel like I'm in the twighlight zone!!!!
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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She must have either a hearing loss or selective hearing. Did you stop her right then and there?
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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

richie33 said:


> She must have either a hearing loss or selective hearing. Did you stop her right then and there?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I shoulda but didn't wanna completely ruin our night. I just sat there with a knot in my stomach. I just don't understand why she puts us in situations where I have to repeatedly hurt her. I still care for her and don't like seeing her upset. I just need to pull the bandaid off once and for all
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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I would encourage you to end it sooner than later. You don't want to risk her getting pregnant in the meantime. And if she is in such deep denial about the relationship she may very well decide to lock you in with a child.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> I would encourage you to end it sooner than later. You don't want to risk her getting pregnant in the meantime. And if she is in such deep denial about the relationship she may very well decide to lock you in with a child.


Thanks for the tip but gotta be having sex to have that happen which we havnt been regularly in quite awhile.
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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You know what you have to do right?
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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm feeling so torn and confused of what to do. Ever since the blowout and telling her how I felt , she has been really trying hard. She's nicer, complains less, and she even been initiating sex. I just wish she had always cared this much. Now I just feel like its all a rouse to the point even sex makes me sad and fearful of knocking her up. We are seeing a counselor for first time tonight. Guess will just go with the flow.
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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Maybe I'm just dumb, naive, stupid, etc, but can anyone tell me why a couple would live together for 7 years, be engaged, but not get married years ago? Maybe it's just me, but if you are in a serious, committed relationship with someone, and you haven't gotten married after 3 or 4 years, wouldn't that be a clue that something is not right with the relationship?


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

youngidiot said:


> ... Guess will just go with the flow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


AKA abdicating responsibility for your life.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

The reason she is trying to move up the wedding date is to lock you in.. She is showing desperation.. now especially when she is initiating sex more often.. DUDE, you are setting yourself up... she's trying to do what ever it takes to keep you.. and I fear that means knocking her up... trust this.. it's a classic move.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Ostera said:


> The reason she is trying to move up the wedding date is to lock you in.. She is showing desperation.. now especially when she is initiating sex more often.. DUDE, you are setting yourself up... she's trying to do what ever it takes to keep you.. and I fear that means knocking her up... trust this.. it's a classic move.


While things do seem like they are being done out of desperation it appears like she truly cares now. The intimacy issues were brought up in our counseling session so I'd like to believe her actions are genuine. Does anybody else think I'm being naive here? I hate this and I even told her why hasn't she been more like this in the past. She wants me to forget about the past and focus more on building a better more open future together. Is this just a setup for disaster? I'm so confused and scared of what to expect!!
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

youngidiot said:


> While things do seem like they are being done out of desperation it appears like she truly cares now. The intimacy issues were brought up in our counseling session so I'd like to believe her actions are genuine. Does anybody else think I'm being naive here? I hate this and I even told her why hasn't she been more like this in the past. *She wants me to forget about the past and focus more on building a better more open future together. *Is this just a setup for disaster? I'm so confused and scared of what to expect!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you're being naive. 

That she wants you to just forget about everything is a huge clue that she's not interested in actually developing a strong, loving, sexual relationship with you. She's completely dismissing your feelings about her behavior and how she's treated you all this time by telling you to just forget about it.

Yes, if you fall for it, it will be a disaster right after you get married and she reverts to whatever she wants (or doesn't want to do) without a care for your feelings...."just forget it" is what you'll be hearing when you're unhappy and sexless.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Young, 
You are not an idiot, you simply lack experience. That is what we are here to provide. 

First and most important question. Do you realize that if she gets pregnant, you will BOTH be in a bad spot? 

Second, that means you MUST insist on a condom every time you have sex. If she fights you on that, STOP having sex until you sort out this mess. 

If you are unwilling to assert yourself enough to insist on wearing condoms, nothing else matters. She will get pregnant and then guilt you into marriage. 

A few observations:
She doesn't like having sex with you. She tolerates a small amount of it because she does like all the other stuff you do for her. 

If you don't address that, you will always be involuntarily celibate except for brief moments where she wants something from you. Like right now where she wants a commitment. 

This attraction issue might be fixable or not. It will take about a year for you to both make changes and experience the results. 

Does this make sense?


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