# For those of you have cheated, what made you want to stay with your partner?



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Firstly, what made you decide to end your affair? What made you decide to stay with your original partner? And was it an EA or PA?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I tried several times to end it because I didn't want to be a cheater any longer. And if my marriage did fail, I didn't want the OW to see me as a cheater. Stupid, isn't it? Mine was an EA.

What ended it was being caught, finally. Thankfully too!

Now the OW is long gone, and I'm struggling to have passion for my wife. But I'm working on it. Maybe not as hard as I should at times. But I haven't given up.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Two month EA, virtual sex, ILY's, the whole deal except for actual physical contact. I ended it (or let it get ended) because I never wanted it to begin with. I was happily married before, during and after my affair - weird huh? I never once bad mouthed my wife or our marriage to my AP (or anyone else). I never rewrote our history, I never believed my AP loved me more or better than my wife. I never believed my AP was "the one" over my wife. I never wanted to, intended to, or planned to leave my wife for my AP. 

I only had an affair because an old HS flame who hadn't crossed my mind in 20 years came walking into my world via the internet and blew in my ear just right in an environment where I apparently had no boundaries - it was like a video game. I made a series of bad decisions that by themselves were small, but combined put me in a place that I never wanted to be. Once I realized where I was I just went on and jumped off the cliff head first, that's when the ILY's and virtual sex started.

As soon as I realized what I was in I wanted out. BUT!! I was as consumed by "the fog" and "the addiction" as anyone. As much as I wanted to end it, as much as I wanted to return to only my wife, I couldn't do it. I could not put down the affair and walk away - it was feeding my ego too much and I was hooked. So, long story short, I let my wife catch me and when she did I confessed the whole thing. 

Staying with my wife was never a decision I made because it was never a question - it was always what I wanted. However, I still struggled mightily getting over and beyond my AP and the affair.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I am the betrayed spouce and am still with my H who had a year long affair. I wonder why I stay sometimes. He is getting better, but I have been told she wouldn't commit so I do feel like the second choice. He also lost his job during his affair and still isn't working, so again I wonder if he is with me because of not having a job. I know that had he had a job he would have left. He had left me twice before and come back. I wonder why I con't to want him. Either it's my insecurities ( I am attractive and make good money, so why should I be insecure?). I worry about him and I think that is one of the reasons I haven't gotten a seperation. I am finally coming home from working out of town for many months. It feels weird. My H has been doing the right things going to IC, church, praying, keeping the house clean (finally), but something inside me tells me things are not as they seem. It isn't easy being the betrayed and staying with the betrayer. He had watched porn throughout our marriage (which is cheating) then went into a full blown EA/PA. And still I stay...... I wonder what's wrong with me....


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> I am the betrayed spouce and am still with my H who had a year long affair. I wonder why I stay sometimes. He is getting better, but I have been told she wouldn't commit so I do feel like the second choice. He also lost his job during his affair and still isn't working, so again I wonder if he is with me because of not having a job. I know that had he had a job he would have left. He had left me twice before and come back. I wonder why I con't to want him. Either it's my insecurities ( I am attractive and make good money, so why should I be insecure?). I worry about him and I think that is one of the reasons I haven't gotten a seperation. I am finally coming home from working out of town for many months. It feels weird. My H has been doing the right things going to IC, church, praying, keeping the house clean (finally), but something inside me tells me things are not as they seem. It isn't easy being the betrayed and staying with the betrayer. He had watched porn throughout our marriage (which is cheating) then went into a full blown EA/PA. And still I stay...... I wonder what's wrong with me....


Do you have self esteem issues? It's one thing to say that you know you are attractive and a "good catch" but quite another to really believe it. Are you codependent? If you stay because you're worried about him that sounds like codependent behavior to me. Remember you cannot control another, you can only control yourself. You should make yourself the best "you" you can be. When you have confidence and are secure with yourself then you can look at your marriage and H and decide if he really is what you want or need.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

It was an EA. The A ended the second hubby found out. I stayed with my husband because I still loved him and didn't want to lose him over some idiot! I grew somewhat tired of the OM because he was emotionally draining. Always complaining about how his sister treated him badly, whining about his parents, whining about politics, whining about everything. This sounds twisted but when hubby found out it almost felt like he had rescued me from total boredom! I don't understand though why I would feel this way.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> I wonder what's wrong with me....


It's fairly simple. You are a codependent. 

You form unhealthy and self-destructive emotional bonds with manipulative and unreliable men. Like your husband, who, to put it simply, has you wrapped around his finger. He treats you poorly, and you enable his psychological abuse by tolerating his behaviour.

You also have very poor personal boundaries ("soft boundaries"). If you didn't, you would have told your husband to FO as soon as his manipulative and unreliable nature became apparent to you.

My recommendation is that you seek counselling. Perhaps you had an unpleasant childhood. Perhaps you had some poor relationship experiences in the past. Perhaps you took the statement "put others before yourself" to its logical extreme.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, nothing. Mine was a classic "exit affair", although I didn't know that concept till after. And mine (there were two) were physical. The first one broke up when my affair partner decided she needed something more, as she was separated. The second happened after I told my STBXW that I wanted a separation but before I separated, but I ended it when it became apparent that my affair partner wanted more from me than I was prepared to give (she was single).

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> This sounds twisted but when hubby found out it almost felt like he had rescued me from total boredom! I don't understand though why I would feel this way.


It's funny you should say this but it triggered a memory of when my wife said something similar during our R. She said she was feeling anger toward me because I never discovered her A and forced her to end it. So she was left to do it on her own. Of course she knew that what she was thinking was ridiculous but still I did feel a bit guilty for a short time. Like I had let her down. I guess I missed my chance to be the white knight who rescues the damsel in distress.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

EA/PA for both of us. Our marriage had become stale and boring, we didn't give each other the attention that we deserved.
I confessed because I felt guilty. She confessed because I did. We both realized that we really loved each other and decided to work on our marriage.
See my story below


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

[QUOT E=NextTimeAround;523125]Firstly, what made you decide to end your affair? What made you decide to stay with your original partner? And was it an EA or PA?[/QUOTE]

My husband found out about my affair through emails I had sent OM. Eventually I ended it because I realized I wasn't really happy with the other person, he was just feeding my ego, and I was addicted to the feeling of being desired and adored. It was hard ending it, I went through major withdrawls.

When I began the affair I really thought of it as an "exit affair", I thought my marriage was done months prior. 

What made me decide to stay consisted of a few things, realizing that I did really love him, that we had a 24 year history, that he knew me so well that we thought the same. H e always knew what was going on in my head. Knowing that he would take a bullet for me ( a little less so now), realizing that he wanted to really make an effort on our marriage, and has suceeded in doing so. That he would go to the end of the earth to please me because he is does not have a selfish bone in him.

I knew I would never have this with another person and I couldn't give it up.

I never wanted my marriage back for my kids, or to be a family again. I know I could have survived on my own, I know my husband is a great dad and would spend as much time with them as he could. 

I wanted him back for me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DanF said:


> EA/PA for both of us. Our marriage had become stale and boring, we didn't give each other the attention that we deserved.
> I confessed because I felt guilty. She confessed because I did. We both realized that we really loved each other and decided to work on our marriage.
> See my story below


So, you're pina colada couple.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I was down & out of my marriage for a very long time. My previous boss had been thru a very messy divorce & said all the right things at all the right times. It started as just an EA & snowballed into a PA. The very next day he dumped me like a hot rock. Went back to his common-law wife & married her. but kept in contact with me. Said he had made a mistake going back to her, wanted me back. I refused seeing him until I knew he was serious. He asked her for a D. His wife phoned my LH. It all came to light but I started seeing my LH in a diff way. He was a better man than I had convinced myself he was. I began seeing him as the man I fell in love with nearly 12yrs. ago. I chose to commit to my marriage & to him. Doing whatever he needs to help us get thru this all. I broke off contact w the OM. He was very angry but I sent him & his wife a NC letter & have not spoke to or contacted him since. Now we will work everyday to to begin healing my LH & i's relationship. I will do anything it takes. I love my husband more than I have ever know & him working on forgiving me is showing me Everday new things to love & respect about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> So, you're pina colada couple.


I don't know what that means.

Is that a compliment or a slam?:scratchhead:


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I've been wondering about this too and I admit that I don't know the first thing about pine colada, except for there's coconut in it, right?


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

DanF said:


> I don't know what that means.
> 
> Is that a compliment or a slam?:scratchhead:


I do believe that she is referring to a particular song.

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain..."

Please correct me if I'm wrong.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Co dependent sounds right. But now he's showing me changes and I will see where it goes. Thanks


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Pina Colada is a song. I think Jimmy Buffet?
It's about two people who are married and bored.
One takes out a personal ad in the newspaper...
If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain...
it's his dream life.
The other person answers his ad, and they meet up.
It's their husband/wife. They're good natured about it, and realize they are only bored with each other because of their failure to commuicate about their dreams and fantasies.
It's a really sweet song.
I'd take it as a compliment.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No, *Escape (the piña colada song)* is a song by Rupert Holmes. It was a big hit in late 1979 (if memory serves me right) from his 'Partners In Crime' album. A minor hit followed it, *Him*, about his girlfriend being unfaithful (something which this forum is all about).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Pina Colada is a song. I think Jimmy Buffet?
> It's about two people who are married and bored.
> One takes out a personal ad in the newspaper...
> If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain...
> ...


I guess I'm showing my age here.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Pina Colada is a song. I think Jimmy Buffet?
> It's about two people who are married and bored.
> One takes out a personal ad in the newspaper...
> If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain...
> ...


Okay, I understand now.
I remember that song (Rupert Holmes), but always hated the tune, so I never bothered to learn the words.

Thanks, I guess.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's been a long time we were young and not even married yet when we both were cheating on each other. I can't speak for her, but for me it was something different. New sounds, feelings, touches, like driving a different car as horrible as that sounds it was always just fun and sex nothing else.

If I were to cheat now (hopefully I won't EVER) it would be for the same reason. Just someone and something different like driving a new car......


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_Firstly, what made you decide to end your affair? What made you decide to stay with your original partner? And was it an EA or PA? _

Mine was an EA & PA. I ended it because I knew what I was doing was wrong and unfair and wanted to focus 100% on the marriage and deal with that. I also experienced an incredible amount of guilt over & feel ashamed to this day. Basically, I wanted to see if we could work things out w/o any outside influences. 

We didn't. 

We both cheated. I wanted to work things out, he wanted a divorce. Post-divorce, he said he wanted to get back together, felt the decision he made to divorce was "rushed." 

I will never regret trying to reconcile because I walked out the courthouse the day of our divorce with the knowledge I never gave up. He cannot say the same.

His words to me "I have to live for the rest of my life knowing I didn't do everything to save our marriage."

That sucks.


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