# wife gone off sex



## Lambda (Apr 5, 2012)

I don't know if this us the correct place to post, please feel free to move it if not.

When we first got met we had sex pretty much every day. When we got married, our lives were busier and we couldn't do it as often but it was still at least 2-3 times a week. Fast forward a few years and 1-2 times a month is a good month. I always do the initiating, sometimes I get lucky and sometimes I don't.

So with this in mind I decided to back off and stop initiating to see if my wife was interested. After 6 months of no sex I finally asked her about it and she said "I realised we haven't been doing it, I just thought you were busy with work and didn't want it". That is true, it did coincide with a time when I was busier than usual with work. So I suppose my questions are these: has my wife gone off sex, does she find it so boring she can live without it? And if she does still want it then why isn't she doing anything about it? or is she getting is else where...

Thanks


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Let's see...before marriage, you two were going at it like monkeys. Pretty soon after the wedding, she wasn't quite as interested and she quickly became less interested as time went on. When you gave her the opportunity to show a little interest, you got nothing. Why doesn't the fisherman keep feeding bait to the fish laying on the floor of his boat? Because he doesn't have to. They are already caught. It would apppear you were scammed (like lots of other husbands). She pretended to be interested in sex long enough to get a ring and the benefits that go with it. As a guy, it's hard to imagine there are actually people who just don't think about sex and find it rather annoying. Of course, I may assume too much. After marriage, you said "we couldn't do it as often". Was that your choice, her's, or honestly a joint agreement? In other words, who started turning who away?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lamda,
So now you know she doesn't really enjoy sex with you. The best thing to do is to try and figure out why.

Step 1, is ask your W. In a nice, non-angry, non-combative way just say "It seems you don't really like having sex with me, I would like to make it more fun for you, and would also like to have a normal (2-3 times a week) frequency. Can you tell me what you like/dislike about it? Or if there is anything outside the bedroom that is making you not want to connect with me?

If she is on BC pills - get her off them. They can kill a womans desire. 

BTW: One common mistake guys make, is they are too nice, too conflict avoidant. They are always trying to please their wives. 
1. That is a turn off for almost any woman and
2. Most women don't directly recognize it as a turn off so they will say they don't know why they aren't in the mood. And they don't. So you have to figure that out. The books below will help with that. 

Could be things you are doing outside the bedroom turn her off. Or sex itself. Read "married man sex life" by Athol Kay, and 

"no more mr. nice guy" I don't know the author. 

Put there stuff into practice. 




Lambda said:


> I don't know if this us the correct place to post, please feel free to move it if not.
> 
> When we first got met we had sex pretty much every day. When we got married, our lives were busier and we couldn't do it as often but it was still at least 2-3 times a week. Fast forward a few years and 1-2 times a month is a good month. I always do the initiating, sometimes I get lucky and sometimes I don't.
> 
> ...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Women generally don't have the same sex drive as a man.
A woman's life process is to be sexual when it's time to attract a man and time to have a baby and then she sees no "need" for sex any more. It takes work on the part of the man to create a need for sex within his wife after she stops seeing the need for it.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Agree with MEM...

If she is on BC pills get her off for awhile. Same EXACT thing happened to me and my husband now 2+ years off and sex is great 5-6 times per week most weeks. Docs will tell you that BC aren't to blame but I lived it.

Worth a shot, good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How are you connecting emotionally? have you asked her? Women need love and affection. It makes us more sex. attracted to our partners when we feel like they are taking out time for us to be kind/caring.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lambda,

Any kids? If not, fix this problem before you start a family that way if you can't fix it, you can go your own ways

My problem didn't really crop up until many years (and 3 kids) into the marriage and I have been way to Beta for too long. However, my fate is sealed now and yours is not

I too have asked myself if my wife likes to have sex with me or if it is a chore. Talk about a blow to your ego!

I have started to disengage myself from her (no more non-sexual touches like hand holding, pats on the butt) and our daily physical contact is limited to a kiss on the forehead as I leave for work in the morning and a quick kiss when I get home and before bed, Kind of like the ones my sisters get!

This is a busy time of year for her so I'm going to keep on going down this road until June. After that, all bets are off.

Again, fix this now if you can. If not, don't end up like me!


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Let's see...before marriage, you two were going at it like monkeys. Pretty soon after the wedding, she wasn't quite as interested and she quickly became less interested as time went on. When you gave her the opportunity to show a little interest, you got nothing. Why doesn't the fisherman keep feeding bait to the fish laying on the floor of his boat? Because he doesn't have to. They are already caught. It would apppear you were scammed (like lots of other husbands). She pretended to be interested in sex long enough to get a ring and the benefits that go with it. As a guy, it's hard to imagine there are actually people who just don't think about sex and find it rather annoying. Of course, I may assume too much. After marriage, you said "we couldn't do it as often". Was that your choice, her's, or honestly a joint agreement? In other words, who started turning who away?


I love that fisherman analogy.

Be more assertive and make sex a part of your needs the way she makes whatever you provide in the marriage part of her needs. I am sure she needs you to do something weekly for her, let her know you have those same needs.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i'd say back off, but not necessarilly to get her to react, because she likely will not. back off for you, occupy your mind in other ways. and i should say that you should always look at yourself, look for ways you may have contributed to this. it could be that you are too nice (doormat) or that you have also stopped doing things, think of her making a list of things you used to do but dont anymore.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Lambda said:


> I don't know if this us the correct place to post, please feel free to move it if not.
> 
> When we first got met we had sex pretty much every day. When we got married, our lives were busier and we couldn't do it as often but it was still at least 2-3 times a week. Fast forward a few years and 1-2 times a month is a good month. I always do the initiating, sometimes I get lucky and sometimes I don't.
> 
> ...


Hi lambda ~

It's a pretty common issue that you are encountering. There's even somewhat of a biological/chemical basis in the early years of bonding with 'rabbit sex'.

What's going on in your lives now? Do you have children?

Do you have any reasons to suspect that she may be getting it elsewhere, since you mentioned that?

Your wife sounds like a more typical woman in that she has 'responsive' desire -- she does not have spontaneous desire as often as you, and instead responds to overtures for sex when they are in the right context. Learn what you can about your wife's sexuality by observing her and doing some reading:

The Truth about Female Desire | Psychology Today

So, if she fits into the responsive desire model, then you'll have to work together to determine what is missing in you, her, in the relationship to move forward.

You've been given some good references in the other posts for things that you can work on.

The big question ... does SHE see this as an issue in your marriage and is SHE also willing to invest of herself to improve your marriage?

Best wishes.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree with most of what's written above. You generally will have to initiate sex (as was mentioned talking about responsive desire for a lot of women), don't be afraid to. You'll get shot down sometimes, maybe often times... don't give up. Let her know how much sex means to you (talk with her about it), let her know you've not lost interest.

Perhaps plan to give her some days off from asking. I tend to ask about 3-4x a week so she doesn't feel overwhelmed by my requests. On the non-ask days I'm still very affectionate (kisses/hugs for no particular reason, and we are talking more than a peck on the cheek). For my wife I find this makes her feel loved and appreciated all the time (because I do appreciate her all the time), and also keeps every kiss/hug from seemingly like a code for sex.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lambda said:


> I don't know if this us the correct place to post, please feel free to move it if not.
> 
> When we first got met we had sex pretty much every day. When we got married, our lives were busier and we couldn't do it as often but it was still at least 2-3 times a week. Fast forward a few years and 1-2 times a month is a good month. I always do the initiating, sometimes I get lucky and sometimes I don't.
> 
> ...


Another question to ask is how have you changed? What about you now is different than when you first met or even got married? Are you still dating your wife? Are you still doing some of the activities you love? Have you gained weight?


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

Lambda said:


> I don't know if this us the correct place to post, please feel free to move it if not.


It probably belongs in the infidelity section.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I think it was something in the wedding cake.......

And you sat idly by for 6 months????? Sounds like you have given up too.......


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## Lambda (Apr 5, 2012)

I don't know what BC is, but I'm going to assume its birth control. She used to be on this but stopped about 3.5 years ago. I agree with the nice guy comments, I have always been a nice guy and I hate conflict so I always try to avoid it. The problem here is that there has been a build up of resentment on my side. 

We are 28 and do not own our own house or kids yet, and this is something I definitely want to fix before I have either. But I am not sure what to do here. I don't like taking the knock-backs. Maybe like one poster said, having my own life and trying to make myself more desirable might help...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Did u talk to her before you cut her off for 6 months?

6 months? Wow. After that long of a time, no wonder she thinks you dont want her.

So I have to ask... if you can go for 6 months without having sex or inititating sex, what does that say about your sex drive? How would you feel if your spouse did that to you?

And how do you now say "sex is important to our relationship" when you cut it off for 6 whole months? 

You basically ended the marriage by doing this. Just my opinion. 

So... what did you do for 6 months?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Lambda said:


> I don't know what BC is, but I'm going to assume its birth control. She used to be on this but stopped about 3.5 years ago. I agree with the nice guy comments, I have always been a nice guy and I hate conflict so I always try to avoid it. The problem here is that there has been a build up of resentment on my side.
> 
> We are 28 and do not own our own house or kids yet, and this is something I definitely want to fix before I have either. But I am not sure what to do here. I don't like taking the knock-backs. Maybe like one poster said, having my own life and trying to make myself more desirable might help...


What are you resentful of?

Are you actively working to let go of them?

Resenting someone is an active choice that you make ... instead of addressing issues as they occur and being honest, you hide them inside and let them fester into resentments. 

_"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." ~Malachy McCourt_

What a waste resentment is. In order to conquer them, you have to be willing to open yourself up to some of that conflict and work through the issues with your partner. Emily Di(kinson said, "Anger as soon as fed is dead - 'Tis starving makes it fat." Learn to address the conflicts early, and resentments won't be able to take hold.

I think in another thread you mentioned that you are doing individual counseling? Is your counselor working with you to help you overcome your conflict avoidant behaviour?

Since the nice guy comments appealed to you, you might like the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book, which I have attached here for you to read:

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Best wishes.


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## Lambda (Apr 5, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> What are you resentful of?
> 
> Are you actively working to let go of them?
> 
> ...


Wow, that link you sent me was such an eye opener. I haven't read it fully, but I can already relate to the bits I have read so far. I am resentful of the fact that my wife makes all the rules, and if I try to change them then I get the guilt trip, and so I just back down. I am learning that this is entirely my fault, and that I should be less of a wimp and be more assertive. This is something I am getting help with.

Thanks again for the link. I'll read it through to the end.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lambda said:


> I don't know if this us the correct place to post, please feel free to move it if not.
> 
> When we first got met we had sex pretty much every day. When we got married, our lives were busier and we couldn't do it as often but it was still at least 2-3 times a week. Fast forward a few years and 1-2 times a month is a good month. I always do the initiating, sometimes I get lucky and sometimes I don't.
> 
> ...


No. If you stopped initiating you had gone off sex. Stop that. Take charge and don't be the passive one.


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