# spending time apart for a little bit. Will it improve our marriage?



## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

I think I'm in the same situation. My wife had told me that I had neglected here for some time. After thinking about it, she was right. Now, I've been doing the exact opposite. Not because I have to , but because I WANT to. I realized my mistakes I did in the past and want to correct them and never go back to the old me. She insists we don't become intimate yet, in order to figure what we want with our lives. I have not been intimate with her for a while. I did so many neglectful thinks to her in the past that I feel so stupid and immature. I realize NOW(how stupid is that) what I did. And in the past 3 weeks I have done a complete change. She's taken aback by it. She's somewhat confused(which I can understand) that all of a sudden I'm acting totally different(in a good way) to her then I did the past year and a half. A part of me feels that I lost her(and it kills me inside) and the other part of me feels I should keep trying to win her back. I know it will take a while to prove to her that I am a changed man. I'm ready for that. I realize its a marathon and not a sprint to win her back. I want to win her back so bad. There are moments that we do hold hands and sit next to each other when watching tv. I also noticed moments that when she hold my hand for a while, she quickly releases it. It's like she's falling back in love with me(and the new attitude I have) but then she makes herself realize that she's still angry and hurt by my past actions. I get confused at times. But I still persist. We've talked about some time apart, but I'm afraid to lose her while we are apart. I get so scared. What do i do? We have to kids.


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## Hubby321 (Aug 1, 2010)

I would say copntinue to improve with your relationship with your wife. Actions do speak louder than words so just keep convincing her - with ACTIONS, not words - that you want to continue. The hand-holding is a good sign. Take it slow and give her time to get over her upset.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

hgar-
I am going through a similar situation. Although, with different aspects for the time apart. He's neglected me for a long while now (recently I have reason to suspect infidelity). He's the one who wants to split, and take some time apart. Basically we've kept the problems between us bottled. However, I'm willing to repair the damage and try to work at it. (When deep down I know splitting might be for the best). The man I married is no longer the man I live with. He's become cold, and resentful. He fills the room with tension that I don't understand. I've done all I can to reel him back in, but he's given up. So I would suggest hanging on to her with all your might.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

It's good what you people are doing, but you also have to prepare yourself for a life without your spouse, not to be negative, but the adjustment and growing actually comes from doing just that, it is being able to independently live your own life, when you reach that point, you have flushed the past away and are ready for what ever happens from that point on, you or your spouse has either disconnected from the relationship, so be yourself, not co-dependents.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

thanks guys for the response. I know I have to fight to keep her and I will. I will hold on with all my might. We have agreed for me to take a couple days off(about 4 days) from each other. I think it'll give us time to think and look at our lives a little bit better. I'm doing this to respect her wishes. I want to stay, but afraid that if I do then I'll start to sophicate her more. Untill then, I'll do everything in my ACTIONS to prove to her that I still love her and that I'm a changed and better person. I hope this will give her time and space to get over her upset. I'll stay with my parents, maybe they have a few advices for me. Sometimes I'm just afraid that being apart will make her more distant from me. At the same time I don't want to sophocate(spelling?) her by being with her all the time. Like I pointed out in my first post, after we had that talk, I changed my ways and was with her a lot more. I think she liked it, but at the same time it was a HUGE change for her that I think it threw her off balance a little. I felt that maybe I came on too strong, too fast and it totally confused her and made her think I was only doing this JUST to get her back and once I did, I would turn into the old me again. thats the wrong impression I wanted to give her. I was afraid that I might have made a huge change too fast.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

i meant to say "we have NO kids"


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

we decided that I should go back home for a week so we can both kinda think about things. I'm still holding on. We've made passionate love about two to three times. During it, she says that she loves me and I told her the same. That could be the sex talking, but I don't know. I mean I want to respect her decision about taking some time apart. I don't want to be pushing her away by saying "no I won't go". We've(in my opinion) seem to be getting a little better. Yesterday(friday) we went to the mall and bought some clothes for her to go out tonight(saturday). We held hands most of the time. She bought some pants that I liked and we laugh, and joke around. I act like a clown around her sometimes and she laughs. We haven't kissed on a regular basis like we used to and when we go to sleep, we sleep with each other, but we don't snuggle like we used to. So, I don't know. I've always had trouble reading women most of my life. We've talked about me leaving for a couple months so she can clear her head and see what she really wants. I told her where I stand. I said I loved her and I will do anything to save our marriage. 
Where we live in texas, its hard for me to find a job in the IT section because its a small town. She works in a hospital so she feels that she's holding me back by me not working in my field. I mean, I wouldn't mind going back to VA and working there for a year while she finishes out her contract at the hospital.(its one year) But at the same time, I'm afraid that if I stay to long away I might be hurting our relationship. I could be wrong, maybe it'll strengthen our relationship and will show how much we miss each other. 

I don't know. I get confused at times.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

anyone?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think a whole year is too long to spend apart. You have to be together to be able to work on your marriage.

If she told you she loved you during sex, it's because she does love you. It would've been that she felt she could open up to you during a moment of intimacy, not because she was overwhelmed by lust. 

While I don't think you should separate, you can give her a little space still. You can make sure you're out of her hair a bit by doing studies or taking up a sport or something. If she wants to go spend time with friends, or doing something on her own, be supportive. Just make sure you don't do anything that might make her question her trust for you.

It will take time for her to get over things, but if you're not around to show her you've changed, then she can only reflect on the way you were, and this might make her more determined to leave you for good.

Just my opinion.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

thank you breeze, that was very helpful.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

my wife and I had talks about us every once and a while. It kinda comes up out of now where. We can be quite sitting on the couch and I ask her, what's wrong, and we start the conversation. there are days where she seems to block me out and other days where she's very more open. On those days, we hold hands, she sometimes gives me a kiss on the check. Those days she blocks me out, she seems kinda cold and somewhat angry. I know it's because she's fighting an internal battle with herself. She has told me that. She's even told me that she's starting to learn how love me all over again. She's told me that she sorry that she gives me the wrong impressions sometimes. I asked her what she meant by that. she said that sometimes she can be cold and other times she can be more caring. I told her that it's ok and that I understand what she's going through. I told her that we need to take it one step at a time and that it'll take time for her to, not get over it, but to go back to herself. She says that she's an impatient person(like me) and that she wishes it would be a faster process. She also said that she wishes she had amnesia so she could forget the past. I told her I wish we both had it so we could start over. 
It's such a difficult time for me now. I go back and forth with myself, just killing myself trying to analyze her actions. I feel some days like we're heading towards the right track and other days I feel that we are going off track. I guess I feel that way when she has those days where she's kinda cold towards me. And when we are both doing great together, I feel that we are starting to heal our wounds(actually her wounds). It's just an up and down, back and forth , left and right feeling. Some days I just wanna cry because I feel I'm not doing enough. Other days I feel good because I feel like I'm helping heal her wounds. 

I just gotta keep on holding on. I love her too much to let her go. 

For those of you who read my post, thanks for reading. I feel this is my only outlet to vent my feelings.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Love Buster questionnaire. Both of you fill it out. Hers will tell you what you do that she doesn't like so you can focus on stopping those behaviors. Take a couple months to change those habits.

Once you've done that, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and fill it out. It will tell you what her top needs are, so you can make sure you are the only one meeting those needs.

Do NOT move out! And also do not smother her.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

First off you need to change your mindset. Your thread reeks of panic and neediness and if your are that way with her, that's the last thing she wants to see. Change the mindset from one of "holding on" to being there for her. You are correct to show her your commitment in your actions but as noted by others don't dote on her. Give her the space she requests by not addressing the marriage 24x7. Don't over analyze her every move. Your are in a highly agitated state and every action by her is magnified. The good and the bad. A couple of years ago my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. Initially I reacted like you and over compensated, it only served to push her away further. Your wife has built an emotional wall to protect her. She is not ready to bring it down yet. A sustained and consistent effort from you is what she needs to see. Finally you appear to have solid friendship with your wife. Build on that as the foundation of recovery.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

thanks guys I'll follow your advices.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

Question:

How does one "be there for her"? 

What actions do I need to take?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Doing the questionnaires would answer that. They will tell you what she doesn't like (LB) and what she does like (EN).


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Hgar12,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through but SO THANKFUL that you posted this string. I'm right in a similar situation right now, but, in our case, it's me who did the neglecting. For several years, I've chosen my horrible job over my husband and family. And as my job became worse, so did my attitude, my feelings of self-worth, my behavior at home. After being cr*pped on by my employer 12 hours a day for years on end, and then coming home to take out my exhaustion and frustration on my husband and son, my husband finally cracked and said that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. Fortunately, you seem to have awakened sooner than I did. Honestly, I didn't realize how much time had gone by or how much damage I'd done. I just kept believing in my employers, who promised the world, in the hopes that I could bring home a larger salary to help get us out of debt. Needless to say, I made the wrong choice for so many years and am ashamed of it. I love my husband and son more than anything and should not have let my job come between us.

Now awakened, I, too, am going through the same motions to prove that I was wrong and will NEVER let anything come before my family. It may be too late, but I'm going to do everything I can to keep my family and rekindle the love we once shared.

He's willing to go to counseling and we've been twice so far. I think that's a good sign. However, he's still uncertain that it will work because, for him, the passion is gone. But he's still here and he's still willing. Now its up to me to find that balance between giving him the attention he absolutely deserves and missed out on for so long, and giving him the space he needs to heal, forgive and want to move forward together. If that can happen...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I relate completely and wish I knew how to reach my husband, just like you wish you knew how to reach your wife. Hang in there!

PS: The "space" thing is confusing for me too... I don't know really how to give space. I recognize that it's what he wants and I want to respect that, but when every ounce of my being wants to hold him and shower him with attention, it's hard to understand "space." Let me know if you gain any insight on this...


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

You could almost be my husband (less the emotialnal affairs).
How does she like to spend her time? Does she like movies, dancing, concerts Surprise her with something that the two of you enjoyed in the past. Dont take no for an answer....sometimes I find that us women will just take the safe "No Idont want too" because we are afraid of letting go. 
I can understand your wifes feelings comletely. She is going through some of the same emotions that you are. Everyone keeps saying that actions speak louder than word...well words are important too. Make sure she hears everything that you are spelling out for us here. I wish that your words were coming from my husband...it would re enforce the few words he does say. Simply saying I love you is not enough. Tell her she looks great, dont just think it. Tell her how much you enjoy laughing with her. Tell her how much you enjoy being intimate with her. Tell her how much you admire her and her work. Words are important to women too.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

thanks "Hopeful1" and "Hope4Us".

I really appreciate reading your posts. It gives me hope. We have decided that I go back to VA for a while(6 days) and see if that'll bring us closer or understand each other better. I'm hanging out here with my parents and calling her twice a day. I don't want to call her more than that because I don't want to impose to much. I really feel like calling her 15 times a day but that won't help. At first I didn't want to leave. But like I said in my previous posts, I want to respect her decision and it might clear both our minds. She says that being apart will make her realize if she misses me or indifferent towards me. I hope she misses me. Obviously, she won't be calling me(I have hopes that she does) so I call her in the morning and at night. I've also talked to my parents about our situation and they basically echoed some of what was said in these posts. Don't give up, be persistent, have patience because it will take a while for her to heal. Show her you care and love her by doing little things like hugging her, kissing her, taking walks with her and being around her more often. Also give her her space when she asks for it. I'm doing all that. My biggest hurdle would be what type of reaction she has after all my moves. Sometimes when I try to hug her or give her a kiss on the forehead(like I used to) she pulls away. That hurts. I tell myself to understand what she's going through and why she reacted that way. I still hurt. I just have to get over that hurt and keep on doing little things like that. As I was about to leave and jump on the plane, we both hugged and I gave her a big kiss on the lips. I wanted to cry at that moment, but so many people where behind us. She actually let me hug her and let me kiss her. I wasn't there long enough to see her reaction, so I don't know if she was crying or not, but I felt good through the ride home. 

Hopeful1, I too used to come home from work frustrated from work and probably took it out on her, but in a different way. I would neglect or separate myself from her by going to my computer room while she was in the family room watching TV. I don't like my job and that has been a burden on us. She see's that I don't like my job and feels guilty that it is her fault. Where I live in Texas(a small town) I can't really find a computer job. She's works at the hospital. 
I thought about going to counseling, but never asked her. Maybe when I go back, I'll ask her, but, honestly, I don't think she'll go. Plus the cost would be too high. I don't know the exact cost, but I can probably guess it'll be more than $50 a session. I don't think my insurance or hers cover things like that. 

My only hope and option is to be persistent and not become affected by her reactions to my persistent hugs, kisses, etc. Even talking on the phone is a little different. Before whenever she would call or I would call we would answer with a "hi baby" and end with a "see ya baby" or "love ya". But now when she picks up the phone she says "hey whats up" or "hey" and ends with a "c ya". Little things like that would make me sad. I still answer with "hey baby" and end with "by babe" even though she doesn't say it. 

I know this will take time and effort on my part. Like my mom said, Marriage takes work.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

If she's open to it, check your insurance regarding counseling -- or even if perhaps her hospital offers some assistance (private counseling or group) for employees. There are also private counselors that will negotiate price if you don't have insurance. Even going once every other week may help you two get more on the same page. If not, it can also help you both to at least be heard and determine what's best for you both. There are also a variety of self-help programs (books, CDs, etc.) available but they will require purchase and, in some cases, the interest and work of both partners.

During your time away, you may also want to not call her when she's expecting. Sounds like a stupid high school game, but doing something unexpected has been recommended to me several times on these boards and, when I can muster up the guts to do them, it's worked. If she expects your call morning and night, try to skip one. Or try to skip calling for one day. She'll notice and that may be a good thing.

My husband too is not always reacting physically the way I want him to. I'll feel my love for him and want to shower him in hugs and kisses, but he'll not "feel it" right then. It's those times that I hop on these boards and get through my momentary panic. It certainly helps.

Keep writing and try to do things that make you feel good right now. Get out of the house -- go see a comedy, an amusement park, a concert, be around other people, etc. as it will help the time to pass more quickly. Sitting and stewing, although that's probably all you feel like doing right now, will only make you fixate on the situation. It sucks, but you will make it through all this... Hang in there!


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## Marrige Bliss (Sep 5, 2010)

Hey I feel for you guys,
I'm over in the UK and have tried the 'lets try it apart for a while thing'
Have to say it never really worked for me.
Have a nosey here and see if this helps any, 

Save The Marriage, Even If Only You Want To


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Just plan to do something fun and invite her along. If she comes, great. If she doesn't, you go anyway.

You basically just have to play with her rather than go all needy on her.

You'll probably like my blog as well.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

I'll check and see if my insurance covers any family therapy or counseling. 

I'll try just calling her once a day today and see what happens. I really don't expect her to call me anytime, although I wish she did. Maybe that'll make her wanna call me. Doubt it though but its worth a shot. 

I also have that momentary panic whenever I try to shower my wife with hugs and kisses and receive only a cold shoulder. I sometimes go to the bathroom a cry, but I have to learn that her reactions is because of what she's been through and is going through. I then regain my composure and continue through the day. 

Right now, I'm just watching TV. I try to not think about it, but its hard. I also go for a little run to get my frustration out and to get my mind away for a moment.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

a little update. I don't know if I should be happy or cautious. But today my wife called me. I really wasn't expecting it to be honest. I mean she's the one that said we should spend some time apart to think about things. I've been calling her at least once a day, but today she called me. She was taking a break from studying and decided to see what I was doing.:smthumbup:Like I said, I don't know if I should be happy or cautious. I guess today was one of her good days. I just gotta be prepared for those bad days cause I know it'll come. I understand she has her ups and downs.


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## Deer (Sep 5, 2010)

I think its really a good sign but you should also be cautious and don't push her. Just let her heal her feelings as time passes. I think now she understands that you are there for her if she needs you and can count on you.

I really appreciate your understanding attitude towards your wife and I'm sure she does too. 

I'm in a similar situation with the difference that my husband isn't as understanding. I've told him how depressed and sad I am and how my feelings for him are really confused and need some time alone. I've come to my parents house but he keeps on coming and calling and insisting on my return. The only thing I need is some space and time to think. If he would just stand back I would eventually go back to him but he's just making things worst. 

I know my husband is under as much pressure as I am and I'm sure your wife is aware of your anxieties too. So keep up the good work and don't lose hope.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

I, too, think it's a good sign, but, like you mentioned, would be cautious and not fall into the "everything is going to work out fine" mindset. Take it as a step, but expect that she may still retreat too. Let her start to feel your value to her and take the lead at times. I'm having to learn to do this with my husband right now too -- he's doubting the marriage and wondering if maybe divorce is in our future. He's willing to work on it and we've just started counseling. He's expressed his need for "space" but we're not in a position for either of us to be elsewhere, so we're in the same house. I'm having to learn to balance showing him the love and attention he feels he's missed for years while also leaving him alone to sort things out, and, I guess, "miss" me. I understand your predicament -- it's so hard to hold back when ever instinct in your body is to smother your spouse in your newly revived loved and desire for them. But you seem to be doing well right now so keep it up!!! :smthumbup:


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

two days ago(saturday) I decided to send her flowers by mail. She'll receive it tomorrow(tuesday). I hope that doesn't make things worse. On the note I wrote that I was thinking about her and I miss her, that's all. I hope she doesn't think I'm smothering her.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Hopefully, like most women, she'll like the flowers. It may make her feel a bit uncomfortable if she's still wrestling with her emotions, though. If this happens, just know that some part of her probably LOVED the thought and attention, and the part that may seem to reject the idea is the part of her that's still wrestling. You showed her love and affection and that's the important part. But you may want to then let the dust settle for a while after that.

I, too, am struggling with how to balance the incredible love and affection I feel for my husband right now vs. how to give him his space to want to develop initiative and need/miss/want me. It's very hard, so I feel your pain! I'm sure you feel like you want to rush in and make up for the "wrongs" you've done. Just know that while your actions will be noticed and on some level appreciated, it may still be a shock to your wife's system. It sure it for my husband. He's not sure what to do with this "new" wife he has and is needing some time to warm up to it.

Keep us all posted on your progress... hang in there!


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

thanks hopeful1,

I feel that we are in the same situation and that we know each others tendencies to do more to make our significant others love us again. Just as you would probably know, its a thin line that we have to walk on. We're trying to balance everything so we don't feel like we are smothering them to much and not giving them enough attention. It's a hard job. I'm glad you both are going to counseling. That means your husband is willing to put the effort in. Like my wife, part of him still wants to work things out. which is a good sign. I would suggest, just like in my case, take it slow. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

I sent her a text message this morning that said "good-morning sweetie". She called me about half an hour ago and we spoke for about 30min. 

Another problem that is on my list, is the job. During the times we had problems, I had made it known that I wanted to leave this small town, in Texas, because I was having a difficult time finding a job in my field which is information technology. Right now I work at the hospital in charge of the medical supply department. The whole time I had mentioned that I wanted to go back to VA because I was going to find a better job over there. I know she wanted me to stay with her. The old me, didn't see that so I made it clear to her that I wasn't happy because of my job situation. Stupid me. Don't get me wrong, I want to work in my field, but I made her feel guilty that I wasn't going anywhere in my career because of her. That was stupid and wrong of me. I should have been happy wherever she is, no matter what I was doing. Long story, short. She sometimes talks about me looking for a job here in VA. Not because she wants me to leave(that's my theory) but because she doesn't want to hold me back in my career. That's TOTALLY understandable. I need to make her feel, in some way, that I no longer want to come back to VA, but i want to stay with her in Texas. And I'm willing to work in my current job until we move to a bigger city like Dallas, Austin, Houston, etc. Cause at the end of the day we aren't going to stay in this small town. She doesn't like it nor do it, but right now its beneficial for her because of how much she is going to be paid. She starts her new position in Oct and its a 1 year contract. 
So some how I need to slowly convince her that I want to stay because of HER. I made it known for so long that I wanted to leave, not because of her, but because of my current job, the location I was in, and having nothing to do where I live. 
She does bring up, every now and then, that she found an open position, for me, in Va. I just tell her that I'll check in to that. I guess the reason is because, right now, our marriage is so delicate that I don't want to make things more complicated by saying......."I decided to stay here and work so I can be with you". She'll be like..........."huh? you mean after all this time of complaining about working in Va. Now, all of a sudden, you want to stay and work here??"(this is my theory of how she would react).

So I don't know how to really approach it. The only thing I can do is slowly let her know that I want to be with her and work(or try to find an IT position in the area we live).


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

"It's a marathon, not a sprint." I think I'll put that on my fridge so that I can keep things in perspective. Nicely stated!

Isn't it AWFUL that our jobs have come between us and those we love? I'm sure we both focused on our jobs and, as our unhappiness with our jobs consumed us, it seriously affected our spouses without us knowing just how much. It's rough because, at least for me, I was equating my job and my pursuit of success with helping my family -- chasing the much-needed dollar and holding out hope that my dead-end company was going to one day come through on all of its promises of raises, bonuses, etc. I stayed and became more and more miserable -- and I never realized how bad I'd become or how bad my husband was feeling neglected. When, truth be told, I could give a rat's derriere about what job I have, as long as I have the love and support of my husband to come home to each day. I got a swift kick in the head which awakened me, and I only hope that it's not too late for us. He, like your wife, had started to make up his mind that our marriage was over. And now, like you, I'm having to do everything I can to prove to him that I'm sincere and that this "life awakening" is permanent. He can't trust me yet and doesn't know if he'll be able to find "passion" for me again. But hopefully, with time and my 150% effort to regain his trust and my value to him, he'll begin to trust me and that passion will return. He's still flirting with me here and there -- grabbing my butt, pinching me, etc. -- and wanting to pursue "physical activity" when he feels inclined, so I'm hoping that's something of a good sign. He says he doesn't feel any passion, which makes me sad sometimes to give into his advances, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. He says he's felt neglected for years and he always wanted more physical attention. I now feel it a million times over and want to ravage him every chance I get! But I also don't want him simply going through the physical motions as a simple natural act without any emotion attached. One time last week, I began crying (as quietly as I could) after the "event." I was simply overwhelmed with confusing emotion -- wanting so badly to tell him how much I loved him but feeling that I couldn't. When he wanted to know why I was crying, I sucked it up and chalked it up to a very intense "o." I created this mess, so I know I have to bear some of the burdens for a while.

Anyway, sorry for my personal ramblings when this is YOUR post!!! Regarding your job, is it possible for you to find another position in your area -- or a reasonable commute from there -- that might make you a bit happier while also staying with her? If not, is there something you can do at your current job to make your position more tolerable? If it's a person you're having trouble with, is there a way for you to step up and bury a hatchet? Or maybe speak with a boss about how to make you more happy with your job? Or maybe even distance yourself from your position a bit -- not slack, of course, but change your mindset to one of "it's just a frickin job" to get you through? What about after-hours -- maybe there is something more fulfilling you can do after/before your job that would bring you more fulfillment for a while? Maybe a volunteer position for a few hours a week? Any type of personal change may help to change your job outlook for a while until your relationship with your wife smooths out and you can both decide to move elsewhere?


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

It's not really my job anymore. It's the fact that I want her to stop looking for jobs around the VA area. I want her to understand that I don't want to look there anymore. She keeps on telling me about open positions in that area. As soon as I re-patch this marriage, I wouldn't mind moving to VA temporarily until she finishes her contract, then we can both move to Dallas, Houston or wherever. Until then, I want her to know that I won't be working or looking for work in VA.

And don't worry about telling me your stories. I understand what your going through. This forum is a good place to let out your anger and frustration with people that are going through the same situation your going through. Like us.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

Hopeful1,

You know, my wife and I have had passionate sex after we started to have problems. Once or twice she has told me she loves me during it. I didn't know whether to take that as good news, or just drunk passion. I also heard her say that after we have passionate sex, she goes back to feeling like she does now. 50/50. A part of me wants to believe she really means what she says about loving me and another part feels its just "drunk passion" that is talking. She's even told me that the sex is so much better than before. I guess after so much neglect and being non intimate for so long, maybe all this is just a rush of "drunk passion" I've always said that a relationship should always have a foundation, and that foundation is passion, love, and understanding. From that foundation, a couple can start building their home. So, passion is a good thing, we both just need to work on the love and understanding with our significant others. IMO, if we lose the passion, then we have no means of being together anymore. So, something is better than nothing at all, don't you agree?


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Once she's ready to listen, hear you and trust that you're sincere, she will need to know that you aren't interested in going to VA for work -- that you want to be wherever she is and that it's not compromising your career interests, passions or goals.

And funny you mention the sex being "better than before." We've had more sex in the past few weeks than we have in months. Go figure! It's always fun -- that's never been a problem. But I'm feeling a lack of emotional connection on his end, which is really hard to take. I want the physical relationship, and know I've missed out on the opportunity far too many times in the past. I know he's guarding himself right now, which is understandable. But it's so hard knowing that he can curl my toes in mere seconds -- and boy has he been working it lately! -- but that he says he doesn't "feel" any "passion" for me. It's confusing, really. I know my husband is emotionally connected to sex and that he's felt neglected for years. So I certainly want to jump on my opportunities these days when I have them. However, it's rough when he then claims to feel nothing toward me. I am torn between wanting him so badly, deeply, emotionally, but also not wanting to just be a physical outlet for him. I'm sucking it up, knowing that I'm mainly to blame for this mess we're in and just hoping that the fire in his heart can reignite for me one of these days. And, yes, to your point, something is better than nothing.

To make matters more complicated (or maybe better???), we're going away tomorrow for a few nights together. The trip was planned and he's still interested in going with me, for some fishing and sight-seeing. However, in thinking about it, I'm scared because I don't know how I'm supposed to act? Am I the affectionate wife on the trip? Am I the buddy (which I don't want to be)? Aarrrgh... I'm so filled with anxiety over it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hopeful, tell him just that. Communicate!


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Communication is a part of the problem. Hubby thinks he's a "master communicator" and always "crystal clear." Maybe in his man-toungue he is, but not to my ears.

On the contrary, I communicate all the time -- but to him, I talk and talk and talk. I need to be more selective about my words, I know, to get through to him.

I did tell him that I'm nervous, and that I don't know whether to be a wife or a friend on this trip. He said he doesn't have an answer for me. And maybe that's because he truly doesn't know? As we're in this rotten "I don't know if I can feel passion toward you anymore" situation, maybe he's just going with the flow. Boy that's hard for me, but I guess that's what I'll have to do. I'll pack my spike heels and naughties, just in case and unbeknownst to him, but won't expect to pull them out. I guess I just need to focus on us reconnecting and having a stress-free time. I'll just have to swallow my fears and see what happens. It's just tough because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him these days.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you ever look into communication-based therapies? Not that you have to attend sessions; there's lot of reading out there available to learn how to communicate better, such as the Gottman method (Relationship Institute - Couples Therapy, Workshops, and Training), active listening, stuff like that.

Here is a great description of some things you can try at home: http://www.maretsoftware.com/archive/articles/maret/couples_exercises_intro.pdf
And another: Couple Communication Exercise


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Once we get through a few more sessions (we've only been to 2 so far) I will certainly check these out and gently see if he's open to them. If not, I'll simply go at it on my own -- I'm sure at least one of us improving our skills is better than none!


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

It looks like she's been calling me more often then I expected. Last night around 12:45pm(eastern time) she called me, which was a pleasent surprise. We talked for about 40-45 min. She said she was watching a show(hoarders) and she thought of me(we watch that program when I'm with her) so she called. We talked about the show, and laughed a little. But then outta no where I just said, "I miss you silly goose"(yes we talked like that ever since we were going out. Some people may think its weird, but to us its normal.) 

After I realized what I said, in my head I was thinking (holy ****, what did you do man......that wasn't the right place or time to do it). I was expecting a silence or a cold remark, but instead she said....."yeah, I miss you too". I don't know what that means, I mean I know what that means, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Today she received my flowers and when we talked earlier today, she said thanks, and they were nice. That's basically it, she didn't say anything else, like your so sweet, or that was sweet of you, etc. 

I've noticed we've been talking on the phone a lot lately. I don't know what that means. Could that mean she's actually missing me and cares about me? Or what?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not your job to tr to figure out what it means. Just to keep to your plan and see if it works out.


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## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

Hi hgar, if at all possible, take a second to step away from your situation so that you can analyze it with a level head. The fact that she was watching a show you both enjoyed and wanted to call you because of that shows that yes, she does miss you.
It's great that you told her you miss her. How else will she know anything you are feeling if you don't tell?
Communication is the key to fixing everything. If you really want to know how your wife feels then ask open questions which can't be answered with a simple yes or no.
There's a good chance that she has felt confused by being neglected and then it all turned completely around but it sounds like you are doing admirably at regaining her confidence.
The thing I think about concerning being apart is that it allows for each of you to have some space. This is okay but, it's very important to remember that when you live in the same house you will both still need to have your own personal space. While no one wants to be neglected, very few would choose to be smothered either. 
That's all I can think of for now but let me know if you want any more advice as I am always happy to help.
Good luck to you.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

Annie Mouse,


thanks for the advice. I'm leaving tomorrow to head back home. Honestly, I believe these 6 days apart was actually helpful for me. I got to talk and hang out with my parents. They gave me good advice(being married almost 46 years) and I was able to spend time alone(walking, jogging, driving around, etc) and analyze what type of person I was and what type of person I want to be heading forward. After talking to my parents, I now better understand what my wife means when she says that she wants me to change FOR ME, not for her. She also said that changing myself and being more positive will make others around me happier and more positive. 

Little things like leaving work outside our house as soon as I step in the door, will help me become a better person. Being more open to do things, and more talkative, communicative, expressive, etc will help us in our relationship. On her end, I hope she also did some soul searching and figured out what she needs to change to make the marriage work. After all, it takes two to be married and two to break up a marriage. 

I'll get a little nervous coming back home because I anxious to see how she's going to act after our time apart. Will she let me be more caring, will she let me hold her more? I know that it takes time so I'll be understanding if she's still a little apprehensive towards my actions.
Going back to the small town that we live in, after staying in VA, is going to be another adjustment I will have to make. But as long as i'm with her, I really don't care where we are. 
That doesn't mean we're going to live in this small town. I grew up my whole life in a city, as did she, so making a permanent home here wouldn't be an option, but staying for an extra year would be fine. 

We'll see what happens. I just want us to be together and loving each other, so bad.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Hgar12,

All good things from what I read. But turnera is right -- don't analyze it, just try to go with it. There are bound to be ups and downs for a while -- she may be showing affection and missing you one day while being colder the next. I'm going through the same thing with hubby right now. It's SO HARD not to try to interpret every action, every word, every look...

Go home and continue to work on you. I'm finding my work on me to be making me more happy than I've been in years. And my husband is noticing too. He's not sure what to make of it -- doesn't know whether to trust it or not -- but he's finally relaxing a bit, which is good.

We actually just arrived at our hotel for our short vacation. He's checking his work email so I'm taking a moment to write here. Trying hard not to force anything while we're here...just taking it as it comes and hoping to have a good time.

Keep us posted once you're home... I'm sending you a bear hug of support and TONS of positive thoughts to your wife :smthumbup:

Like you told me -- it's a marathon, not a sprint. Keep your chin up and be happy with the little victories along the way.


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## 2rr (Feb 21, 2010)

no, you should not spend time apart. that is just excuse. i think it is most likely coming to the end. sorry for being honest; but in long term it is better to settle it now otherwise you will go through year of misery and result will be the same


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## stillalive (Sep 9, 2010)

You don't say exactly what you did to hurt her. I would tell her again and again how sorry you are about what you did and tell her you will work hard to never hurt her again. She needs to be reassured that it will not happen again, Seems like trust is lost and that is hard to restore. I am speaking from experience. If my husband was trying as hard as you seem to be I would be so happy, but he is not. Keep at it, and you need to come clean about what you did to hurt her and reassure her it will not happen again. Women need to be told again and again, I am going thru the same inner turmoil as your wife so I know.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

To StillAlive's point, word are important to women. But the actions are critical. And, based on your actions so far, you know this. Keep it up and don't lose hope when you hit those ups and downs. They're bound to come but just be prepared and know it's a part of the process. Going through some ups and downs now with the hubby. Fantastic day today -- but who knows what tomorrow will bring regarding his emotions. Trying to take it day by day and be the best wife and person I can be.


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## MrHurting (Sep 12, 2010)

WOW, this is a great thread, and you are not alone. I am dealing with the same thing and can't handle being around the house and feeling the complete cold shoulder. I want to work on things, but we are so early on in the stage that she can't even look at me and has zero feelings for me right now. I think if I just disconnected from her for awhile she would find she misses me, but what if.... 

Then I will be stuck with, 1. the feelings weren't meant to come back, or 2. I didn't nuture the relationship enough.


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

well, for the update.....I think everything's doing good. I mean we have fun and I've even said "I love you" and she responded with "I love you too". I don't bring up the situation unless she brings it up. I think we've talked about our situation for so long and so many times that I think we kinda know what we think about it. It takes time and healling process takes time. She wants to see me change and I have to show her which takes time. It doesn't happen overnight. That's basically what she's waiting for. She wants to see if I really mean it this time. We've talked ad nausea-um about what she went through.

I've slipped her notes in her purse about how much I miss her and how much I care about her. For my birthday she wore a sexy outfit and we made love. When Im hugging her and kissing her, she sometimes tells me to take it slow. Not in a rude or mean way but with a little smile. I send her emails about how much I care about her. I'm doing all these things to let her know how much she means to me. I hope I'm not over doing it. She hasn't told me that I was going to far.............yet. So as you can see, I've been patient and persistent. So, as far as I think..............Everything's going good and heading in the right direction. Hopefully it stays that way. I'll work hard for it to stay that way.


How's everything in your neck of the woods. Hopeful1??


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

So happy to hear that things seem to be on the upswing for you!!! You seem to be doing everything right -- as a woman, those are all things that make my heart skip a beat, so hopefully your wife continues to be receptive. She may have a momentary set back here or there when doubt and fear sneak in, but just be patient and she should have fewer and fewer of those along the way. I'm sending good vibes your way!!!

I wish I could report the same hope that you're experiencing, but I'm still in limbo-land. We went away for a few days and had a great trip. We returned and had our 3rd counseling session on Tues. During session, he said that he had a great time, a fun time, but that it was also awkward for him at times. He said he felt as though I had expectations of a weekend away and that he wasn't feeling the same romantic notions. He certainly was participatory when we'd get intimate, and I wasn't the one to always initiate it, so I was a bit confused by his admission. He said that he felt guilty that I was feeling romantically inclined and he wasn't so he'd just go along with it. He said that he felt like he was on a trip with a good friend but that's it.

He admitted that my recently found libido is causing pressure on him when he's "not feeling it" right now. He said that he'd like to simply co-exist for a while as "friends" instead of feeling the pressure for sex. He said he's still not feeling passion or really even love toward me beyond friendship, which was really hard to hear. He says he's still keeping an open mind and is willing to "work" on our marriage. Until our next session next week, we agreed to put sex on the back burner. It's so hard for me not to be able to act on my instincts to want to hold him, touch him, kiss him, be with him. But I'm trying to respect his wishes. I feel so incredibly lonely in this house with him right now, even though he's being friendly and charming. It's just not the same -- especially when I don't want to just be his friend, honestly. And I'm more fearful now than ever. I'm afraid that by going along with his need for "friendship only" right now, that we're simply reinforcing his immediate feelings of friends and nothing more. He says he's "working" on our marriage but I'm not seeing the work on his side. I know that my work is mainly visible actions -- things that are tangible and easily charted. I think his is more internal which is not visible and therefore difficult to gauge. I also know that my husband, by nature, is a control guy -- he doesn't want to be told how and when to do something. I'm sure this goes for his feelings too. No matter how much I want him to feel passion and love toward me now, if I push him, he'll resist because it's my urging him to do so. He needs to come to that conclusion on his own. But the waiting is killing me. It's hard to eat, sleep or work. I have a hard time getting through the day without several sobbing breaks. But I clean myself up and have my happy perky face on by the time he gets home each night. I'm exhausted and find myself wondering if I shouldn't just give up sometimes. But then I have to remind myself that it's only been about a month and that we didn't get here overnight. I need to give him some time to come around, to forgive me for my past wrongs, and to see real change for the long haul. I only hope he doesn't make up his mind to throw in the towel in the meantime.

Thanks for asking about me...I hope I can get to the place you are with your wife with my husband soon. But I don't know what works on a man -- or how he thinks. Kind words, love notes, flowers, etc. sure work on me, but I'm not my husband....Ugh.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hgar, did you do the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires or Affaircare's questionnaires? Aside from the notes and such, you'll have better success if you know specifically what you did to upset her (LBs) and what you need to do to make her feel loved (ENs).


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## hgar12 (Aug 15, 2010)

hey Hopeful1,

right now I can't respond with a detailed summary because I'm kinda busy doing some work, but as soon as i finiish, I'll give you some insite(hopefully) of what I think. But to your point about the sex part. My wife and I had the same thing going. She wanted to avoid having sex because she felt that it was only passion and that wouldn't make her realize that she truely loved me or not. So I stopped having sex with her. I think you should do the same. If he feels pressured into having sex, that's not a good thing. It should happen consensually not out of force. So I would focus more on his deep feelings................long story short. Don't give up. Be persistant, remember its a marathon not a sprint. Sometimes I have to repeat that to myself when I feel down. I'll be back her tomorrow and write more. Sorry for the short response. But I know EXACTLY what your going through and how you feel.


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