# Wayward wants transparency too- opinions?



## maxter

Has anyone had their WS ask for the same transparency that the LS demands for R?

WW and I are attempting R after her ending a 3 1/2yr affair with an ex boyfriend in Oct last year. I made my requirements clear for R which included all access to electronic media (email, social sites, phone records, etc) which she has given me.

She hasn't directly asked me to provide access. She's asking in a round about way like "Are you ever going to give me the same access?" or "you have access to everything of mine. you haven't offered anything and you have a work cell phone with no records is another thing."

To which I responded "I'm not the one who totally destroyed all trust between us. I understand the idea of reciprocation, but I didn't use electronic media to hide, deceive, and conduct an illicit affair. You need to earn my trust back, not the other way around."

She came back with "so you aren't giving me access to your emails or phone?"

I don't feel that I'm obligated to give her access. I would be OK if she had access as I don't have anything to hide. It's more the principal of it. She cheated and shattered our trust. She needs to step up, not me.

What do you all think?


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## meson

You should lead by example and be transparent because it's good for the mariage in addition as a way to reestablish trust. It's not punishment, it's security.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF

I think that you need to back wayyyyyy up to the time before the affair.

There should be no reason for either of you to hide anything.

She is likely worried about you having a revenge affair.


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## maxter

meson said:


> You should lead by example and be transparent because it's good for the mariage in addition as a way to reestablish trust. It's not punishment, it's security.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the response. Yeah I get that doing so would set a positive example. I don't think of it as a punishment, although she seems to have some resentment with having to provide it to me. So maybe she is trying to inflict a little bit of punishment back on me in her own way.


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## Shaggy

Any password my wife wants she can have. They exist not to stop herbutto stop strangers and thieves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

I offered my husband the same transparency but he declined.


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## maxter

DanF said:


> I think that you need to back wayyyyyy up to the time before the affair.
> 
> There should be no reason for either of you to hide anything.
> 
> She is likely worried about you having a revenge affair.


I have nothing to hide. So why can't I get past this and just do it? Maybe I resent her even asking for it since I didn't cheat and feel I shouldn't have to. My feeling is she will say it's only fair that I do the same for her. Where was her fairness when she blew off her husband and family for OM? OK, I still have bitterness issues!


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## meson

maxter said:


> Thank you for the response. Yeah I get that doing so would set a positive example. I don't think of it as a punishment, although she seems to have some resentment with having to provide it to me. So maybe she is trying to inflict a little bit of punishment back on me in her own way.


. 
That's the point it may help her feel better about it because she may view it as punishment. In addition it also will show you listen. 
Help her succeed in R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF

maxter said:


> I have nothing to hide. So why can't I get past this and just do it? Maybe I resent her even asking for it since I didn't cheat and feel I shouldn't have to. My feeling is she will say it's only fair that I do the same for her. Where was her fairness when she blew off her husband and family for OM? OK, I still have bitterness issues!


Understandable. You did nothing wrong, yet are expected to conform to the same rules as someone who screwed up.
Be the bigger person and say, "Here. This is all my data, passwords, log ins, etc,. I have nothing to hide and never have.
I expect no less from you."


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## maxter

DanF said:


> Understandable. You did nothing wrong, yet are expected to conform to the same rules as someone who screwed up.
> Be the bigger person and say, "Here. This is all my data, passwords, log ins, etc,. I have nothing to hide and never have.
> I expect no less from you."


Well said. Thank you.


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## DanF

maxter said:


> Well said. Thank you.


Anytime, Brother.


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## Meatpuppet

meson said:


> You should lead by example and be transparent because it's good for the mariage in addition as a way to reestablish trust. It's not punishment, it's security.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:

That said, while "transparency" is admirable, what's to stop a WS from creating alt accounts from work/library? Once that splinter of doubt gets under the skin, it's hard to remove. 

Not trying to make you second-guess R, OP...just sayin in general...


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## spudster

Trust is a two way street. Give her what she asks for. No skin off your back. She is probably "projecting", expecting you to have revenge sex because deep down she knows that's probably what she would have done if the tables had been turned. This is classic cheater psychology. Your wife seems to have deep seated trust issues, probably from her childhood. Wouldn't hurt to have her get some IC.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

number 1, i dont think she deserves to ask or expect shiut.
on the other side of this, i think there should be total transparency from the beginning.
my exgf and i were in a serious relationship and each offered total transparency during the relationship.


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## CandieGirl

She's asking, because as the cheater, she's probably suspicious of YOU. Strange how that works, but seems to be the way it is.

I gave H transparency; he claimed not to want it. But at least he has it...

Lead by example.


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## EleGirl

Transparency should go both ways. For one thing, there is a high incidence of BS having affairs after they find out about their spouses affair. It's not about punishing the WS. It's about building a marriage in which both parties are les likely to cheat... and protecting the marriage from further cheating by either party.

So yes, just give her your passwords. Put keystroke trackers on your computers so you can check up on each other if one of you wants to.


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## calif_hope

I call baloney on the WW concern that BS is having or looking for an affair EA/PA, unless he has not shared everything with us.

IMO she is playing a hand to get some of her standing/power back in the relationship. A cheap and transparent (no pun) tactic.

I support Maxtors idea......strongly call her on the difference in the transparency request.

Two final thoughts, 1. Don't give her anything regarding TAM and 2. Put a key logger on your home PC/laptops - Trust But Verify
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

maxter said:


> What do you all think?


I think you should give her access and this shouldn`t just be something you do during R it should become a part of your relationship.


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## Why Not Be Happy?

if you're going for R go 100%----give her your info.


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## dingerdad

My fWW has all my info. I think transperancy goes both ways and it should even in a healthy marriage. I never had or have anything to hide from my wife. I was always uncomfortable with her texting, emailing, facebooking before the PA. I brought it up many times but always got the trust/privacy excuse. There should be no privacy in marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

There should be a limit on your transparency. You dont know if the reconciliation will be successful. Giving her access to your account here, for example, may be disastrous for you -- She'll know what you have done and stuff.

If after a few years, you both are moving forward and you feel more comfortable in your feelings towards her, then you can open up more.

In any case, you may have learnt from all this not to have your assets fully joint.

I agree with your stance that complete transparency of you is too premature. Since she erred, she needs to be transparent.


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## COguy

I can't see how you could have a health marriage where each person is trying to "1 up" or "outpain" eachother. She screwed up, if you want to reconcile, you need to start working to mutual respect and trust not petty power games.

A healthy relationship means both spouses are transparent all the time with nothing to hide. If you want to start playing games about who's more on the line or who owes who what, you might as well separate now.

Reconciliation is tough, if your wife is having concerns, help her. Just because you didn't cheat doesn't mean you automatically become a saint. If anything, it should make you realize how fallible you are and how badly you need accountability with your wife.

I get disturbed when I see people posting about how you shouldn't do sh*t for her or don't put up with the bullcrap. That's fine advice if you want a divorce, but if you decide to work it out, you can't have that kind of attitude.


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## warlock07

While you have no reason not to give her, I think she is asking it for power/balance reasons. Don't give to her for the wrong reasons.

That aside,





> "Are you ever going to give me the same access?" or "you have access to everything of mine. *you haven't offered anything and you have a work cell phone with no records is another thing*."


Who cheated in the marriage ? Actually the insinuation that you might cheat(since the work phone has no records ) is very very offensive. You have absolutely given her no reason to suspect that you would cheat while she did the exact opposite. She is the one trying to earn your trust. 

From what you describe of her in your posts, she looks very flaky. Not bad enough to dump nor good enough to stay happy. I don't think you will ever have peace of mind in this marriage with all her self centerdness. She looks selfish beyond help. Be careful lest it turns into a zombie marriage where you will be unhappy for the rest of your life


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## elph

i think im somewhere in the middle.

i think the theory of total transperency in a marriage is a good thing. 

that said, i do think you should give it to her...in time.

i think she has to earn it. 

she cheated on you. its possible its a grab at some sort of control or power since she feels weak, defensless and probably like shes being punished. and to be honest, if she feels at all like shes being punished, THATS A RED FLAG!!!!

i day this because they she percieves her self as the victim...which she is not.

if shes truly remoreseful, which is what you want, you should be able to offer transperency at your leisure.

i dont mean to be gruff here, but you make the rules. she needs to understand what your going through and your hesitancy. its not for her lack of trust on you, but you on hers. again she has to earn it.

im going to recomend "how to help your spouse heal from an affair"

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spo...332X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328224538&sr=8-1

its a good quick plain english book for your wife to help her understand where your coming from n a non offensive way. heck id suggest reading it together. itll create communication which will break down some of the walls that have been formed. 

i got a copy for my wife when shes ready and i have a comy for myself. its an easy ready and could get out peacefully what you might try to get out in anger. 


i do hope you get to that point where the transperency, openess and honesty is a two way street. i really want to see more reconcilliaiton stories here. i need them at this point


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## EleGirl

COguy said:


> I can't see how you could have a health marriage where each person is trying to "1 up" or "outpain" eachother. She screwed up, if you want to reconcile, you need to start working to mutual respect and trust not petty power games.
> 
> A healthy relationship means both spouses are transparent all the time with nothing to hide. If you want to start playing games about who's more on the line or who owes who what, you might as well separate now.
> 
> Reconciliation is tough, if your wife is having concerns, help her. Just because you didn't cheat doesn't mean you automatically become a saint. If anything, it should make you realize how fallible you are and how badly you need accountability with your wife.
> 
> I get disturbed when I see people posting about how you shouldn't do sh*t for her or don't put up with the bullcrap. That's fine advice if you want a divorce, but if you decide to work it out, you can't have that kind of attitude.


:iagree::iagree: Transparency goes both ways. For one thing, when one spouse cheats it's many times more likely that the other will have a 'revenge' affair. What is wanted is to affair proof your marriage.. not just the cheater.


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## NextTimeAround

spudster said:


> Trust is a two way street. Give her what she asks for. No skin off your back. She is probably "projecting", expecting you to have revenge sex because deep down she knows that's probably what she would have done if the tables had been turned. *This is classic cheater psychology. *Your wife seems to have deep seated trust issues, probably from her childhood. Wouldn't hurt to have her get some IC.


My guy has allowed me to access his accounts. One day while we were out, a guy whom I used to date called. He had texted before and my texts always start with "My bf and I doing fine." I tried to show my guy my phone and he said, I don't need to see it.


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## COguy

NextTimeAround said:


> My guy has allowed me to access his accounts. One day while we were out, a guy whom I used to date called. He had texted before and my texts always start with "My bf and I doing fine." I tried to show my guy my phone and he said, I don't need to see it.


That's good. That way when you and BF aren't doing OK, he knows he can go for the kill....

It's easy to not be jealous BEFORE cheating happens.


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## Mtts

COguy said:


> I can't see how you could have a health marriage where each person is trying to "1 up" or "outpain" eachother. She screwed up, if you want to reconcile, you need to start working to mutual respect and trust not petty power games.
> 
> A healthy relationship means both spouses are transparent all the time with nothing to hide. If you want to start playing games about who's more on the line or who owes who what, you might as well separate now.
> 
> Reconciliation is tough, if your wife is having concerns, help her. Just because you didn't cheat doesn't mean you automatically become a saint. If anything, it should make you realize how fallible you are and how badly you need accountability with your wife.
> 
> I get disturbed when I see people posting about how you shouldn't do sh*t for her or don't put up with the bullcrap. That's fine advice if you want a divorce, but if you decide to work it out, you can't have that kind of attitude.


:iagree: I'm not happy with my wifes actions, but without being understanding and patient it's all going to fail. Marriage has never been about winning. Leave competition for you, your buddies and sports, xbox, etc. 

Work together or it's not going to work. Hope you get the needed time together to patch it up.


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## DTO

maxter said:


> Has anyone had their WS ask for the same transparency that the LS demands for R?
> 
> WW and I are attempting R after her ending a 3 1/2yr affair with an ex boyfriend in Oct last year. I made my requirements clear for R which included all access to electronic media (email, social sites, phone records, etc) which she has given me.
> 
> She hasn't directly asked me to provide access. She's asking in a round about way like "Are you ever going to give me the same access?" or "you have access to everything of mine. you haven't offered anything and you have a work cell phone with no records is another thing."
> 
> To which I responded "I'm not the one who totally destroyed all trust between us. I understand the idea of reciprocation, but I didn't use electronic media to hide, deceive, and conduct an illicit affair. You need to earn my trust back, not the other way around."
> 
> She came back with "so you aren't giving me access to your emails or phone?"
> 
> I don't feel that I'm obligated to give her access. I would be OK if she had access as I don't have anything to hide. It's more the principal of it. She cheated and shattered our trust. She needs to step up, not me.
> 
> What do you all think?




This is a bit tricky. You are absolutely right that she is the one who screwed up. It seems her request for bilateral transparency so early means she does not get this. IMO the attitudes of "I screwed up and will work to regain your trust" and "so what are you going to do for me" cannot exist at the same time. Instead of working hard to restore your trust, she's trying to sweep it under the rug by suggesting you two are equally situated. 

On the other hand, at some point she may tire of being under the microscope and / or you may tire of having to be vigilant if you cannot or are not able to trust her in the future.

You should be honest and tell her that you feel the current inequity in disclosure is appropriate given what's happened to the marriage. You should add that you hope to trust her more over time, but this is too early in the process to discuss to what extent or over what period of time.

Yeah, it's tough, but she screwed up and this is the price she has to pay. If she just wants to sweep it under the rug and get back to business as usual you want to consider whether this is someone you want to be with over time.


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## Vanton68

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanton68

maybe she just wants your transparency to figure out how you're keeping tabs on her. If she knows everything you know, she might be able to use that information to continue the affair or at least contact
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8

maxter said:


> Has anyone had their WS ask for the same transparency that the LS demands for R?
> 
> WW and I are attempting R after her ending a 3 1/2yr affair with an ex boyfriend in Oct last year. I made my requirements clear for R which included all access to electronic media (email, social sites, phone records, etc) which she has given me.
> 
> She hasn't directly asked me to provide access. She's asking in a round about way like "Are you ever going to give me the same access?" or "you have access to everything of mine. you haven't offered anything and you have a work cell phone with no records is another thing."
> 
> To which I responded "I'm not the one who totally destroyed all trust between us. I understand the idea of reciprocation, but I didn't use electronic media to hide, deceive, and conduct an illicit affair. You need to earn my trust back, not the other way around."
> 
> She came back with "so you aren't giving me access to your emails or phone?"
> 
> I don't feel that I'm obligated to give her access. I would be OK if she had access as I don't have anything to hide. It's more the principal of it. She cheated and shattered our trust. She needs to step up, not me.
> 
> What do you all think?


I don't think you need to be transparent for the reasons you mentioned. 

My cheater husband gave me the same speech, I responded as you did. 

Why, because prior to learning of his cheating, I never cared to check his personal texts or emails or anything else.

Guess what he did. He hacked my email accounts. 

Found nothing of course, but true to his personality he went about solving things the deceptive way. Sigh!


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