# Vavoid I have a question for you.



## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

Voivod- you said this on another thread and I have a question...

"put a lie to and emotional affair...your fear/insecurity might be "he wants to be there, not here," right? put a lie to that by telling yourself "he IS here, not there" and that should help you over the hump..."

My SO of 20 years had an EA and still talks to her and well it's a long story most of which I have already posted if you really want to read it.

It seems like my SO doesn't "get it". He says it will take him some time to get her out of his system as if he thinks I should have to deal with it until he does. He finally says he is not in love with her anymore. He blames me for many things and really his EA also because I wasn't "giving him what he needed".

She doesn't want to be with him but she will not stop the communication either. I feel as though he really would be with her if she said "I do want you". 

My question... How can I know if he wants to be here? He tells me he doesn't know what he wants but then throws little hints that he does. He acts like he wants things to go back to "normal". I do not want "normal" because I think we both deserve better then what it was.

Any ideas from anyone???


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> Voivod- you said this on another thread and I have a question...
> 
> "put a lie to and emotional affair...your fear/insecurity might be "he wants to be there, not here," right? put a lie to that by telling yourself "he IS here, not there" and that should help you over the hump..."
> 
> ...


first off, he's not being fair with you. but i think you know that. sooo...

the issue you have to "put a lie to" is:

**he wants to be with her

the lie you can put to that is:

**he is still here. he would not do something he would not want to do.

build the healing by talking to him. he says he "blames me for many things and really his EA also because I wasn't giving him what he needed." ask him to TELL you what it is you aren't giving him. then give him those things. then you'll have concrete things to build the lie to put to the "stinking thinking. please post what he says that you aren't giving him. i'll help from there. good luck and good work!!!


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

He says I didn't give him the affection he needed or initiate sex enough. He "didn't feel wanted" by me. 

When I found out about the EA we talked a lot and I decided that my own self doubt has caused enough trouble in my relationship. So I turned it on full force. I tryed to do things for him like I would like him to do for me. We had neglected each other for a long time. 

He has been telling me for so long that it is over with her then he talks to her again. I shut down because I feel like a doormat. He told me last week that he wanted to reconnect with me so we were intimate then 2 days into it he hid from me so he could talk to her on the phone for over 1 1/2 hours. 

Then says "we weren't talking about us we were just BSing"
That doesn't make me feel any better. Why doesn't he just stop?

Sorry i'm getting off topic. Anyway he felt unwanted by me.

I don't know what I should do at this point.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Emotional affairs do not heal unless all contact is cut. He is being selfish. His problem is if he wanted those things why not clearly communicate them. It isn't your fault that he couldn't communicate, unless you are a mind reader. (If you are we need to go into business together.)

voivod has a point that marriage is a two way street and there ae always things you can do too. 

But as I mentioned above he needs to cut contact with her, and needs to communicate with you. Every bit of attention he gives her steals that amount of attention from your marriage.

draconis


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

He says he told me these things years ago and he said them so many times that I should know them. I do remember this about 10 years ago. I also felt like things had improved. 

He always wanted to go out with his friends. He spent many nights away. I would talk to him about this and he didn't change it so I guess I just got lazy about things. "If you won't scratch my back I'm not gonna scratch yours". 

I do believe that we both neglected each other for a long time yet I am willing to try and make things better and move past this EA yet he can't seem to make a commitment.

So Drac How do I get him to understand that if he wants to stay he needs to cut it off with her?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> He says he told me these things years ago and he said them so many times that I should know them. I do remember this about 10 years ago. I also felt like things had improved.
> 
> He always wanted to go out with his friends. He spent many nights away. I would talk to him about this and he didn't change it so I guess I just got lazy about things. "If you won't scratch my back I'm not gonna scratch yours".
> 
> ...


first off, draconis is right. when i said he was not being fair to you, what i meant was he cannot still have contact with her. sorry i was not so clear...

TOLD ME THESE THINGS YEARS AGO??? TELL HIM "WE'RE GONNA TALK IN THE PRESENT TENSE...since that is where our issue is...RIGHT NOW...you said "I do remember this about 10 years ago." TEN YEARS AGO?!?!?

ten years ago...that's a lot of history...get him to repeat what he said ten years ago..so he can hear himself say it...maybe it'll sound silly today..maybe not...anyway...do those things he says weren't there AFTER he commits to cutting contact with his emotional affair...if that's what he was missing, it'll be obvious, healing will begin.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

mommy,

for clarification"

**HE said "i told you..ten years ago." yeah, well, she FORGOT, or didn't take action ten years ago...i don't think it's to much to ask that he tells her again what the issues were that he stated ten years ago. if he's not willing to do that, then there's a problem.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay the above two really hit it.

Ask him what he ate ten years ago today.

Chances are he can't, so why should you remember everything with prfect clarity. Further the issue isn't ten years ago it is today.

If he saids that it gives him a right tell him plain and simple.

"Let's put this into terms we can both understand. Because I did whatever ten years ago you feel you have the right to an Emotional affair. By the same right an emotionally neglected woman normally has a physical affair by the same logic. Neither one makes sense does it?

Now we are at a crossroads with our marriage. There have been mistakes on both sides. either we work together to fix these things or they will continue to get worse and we will both com to resent the marriage. So what do you want?"

draconis


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

I wish I could bottle up all of the wisdom from you all! It all makes so much sence yet I find it difficult to get him to understand where I am at. 

In our argument last week (the 1 1/2 hour phone call) he broke my cell phone because I sent her a text (not a nice one either). I have been very angry and cold towards him sence Sat. He just called me to tell me that he bought me a new phone and it sounds like its 10 times more expensive then the one he broke. He apoligised and said he felt bad for braking it. This may seem stupid but I think maybe he really does have some remorse in his body.

But he is going to stop by his friends house after work and talk to him about renting a room from him. I told him last night that he really should go because I can't deal with his continued contact with her. Well I texted it to him because he told me he had to much work to do and if I wanted to talk or argue then he would stay at work and finish.

See he is so back and forth. I'm struggling to find a reason to fight for him.

However I like your comment Drac "Now we are at a crossroads with our marriage. There have been mistakes on both sides. either we work together to fix these things or they will continue to get worse and we will both com to resent the marriage. So what do you want?"

I think I will use this on him tonight... If he gives me the chance anyway.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I really hope it soaks in and he finally gets it. I will pray for you tonight.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Voivod, I didn't mean to sound like I was contradicting your post-- actually it's quite contrary. I agree with you. I was responding to the fact that he told her that she hadn't given him attention back then and hadn't made him feel wanted. She's been doing all that now and he's still putting blame on her. So, I agree. He's being completely unfair to her.


i didn't think i was being contradicted...but that would be ok...i want people who need advice to get the best...i just wanted to be clear...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

draconis said:


> Okay the above two really hit it.
> 
> Ask him what he ate ten years ago today.
> 
> ...


once again...draconis was able to put thought into word...that's why he is so valuable here...and probably why his life is in such order...good job...and thanks again drac!!!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> In our argument last week (the 1 1/2 hour phone call) he broke my cell phone because I sent her a text (not a nice one either). I have been very angry and cold towards him sence Sat. He just called me to tell me that he bought me a new phone and it sounds like its 10 times more expensive then the one he broke. He apoligised and said he felt bad for braking it. This may seem stupid but I think maybe he really does have some remorse in his body.<<<<<
> 
> ***okay, quickly, because i don't think this needs to be dwelled on...BUT...breaking a phone could get him arrested...i don't know the laws in all states...but that would be considered an arrestable offense where i'm from***
> 
> ...


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