# Do This If All Else Fails...



## DianaAgron (Apr 10, 2012)

if you’re already in a relationship thats on the rocks and you wonder why you guys are always fighting…read on…

I’m going to share with you a secret that is so powerful; it’s been around for centuries. It’s probably not anything you’ve heard before. But before I reveal this secret, you must promise that you will keep an open mind. It will come across very traditional and backward but bear with me and it will change everything in your relationship!

The secret to his heart is RESPECT. That’s right, you heard me r.e.s.p.e.c.t. Respect to a man is like love to a woman. I’ll repeat that again, respect to a man is the same as love to a woman.

Most women get it all wrong. They treat a man like a woman. The logic is “I want love, so I will show him love and he will treat me the same.” The problem here is that no matter how much love you show him, it’s not going to register. Some woman also makes the mistake of “I’ll only show him respect if he’s good or only if he deserves it.” In a woman’s world, that’s the equivalent of him saying “I’ll only love her if she deserves it.”

It is critical that you understand that respect for him is the EQUIVALENT of love for her! Another mistake women make is “I’ll only show him respect if he loves me first.” That’s the same as him saying “I’ll only love her if she shows me respect first.” Love is oxygen for women and respect is oxygen for men. Step on each others “air hoses’ and you will get trouble.

Don’t believe me that respect is very powerful for a guy? Why do you think that so many men run of with their secretaries? It’s not because of her looks by the way. It’s because she shows him respect all the time. If he’s not getting this at home then he will look for it elsewhere.

Most relationships are on a vicious merry go round of hurt and pain. It’s called the crazy cycle. The more he treats you unlovingly, the more you pull back on any respect or even show him disrespect which will hurt him immensely. He may not know why he feels hurt or that he is feeling disrespected but he does. And when this happens, he will either “go into his cave’ or lash out at you. Which in turn is unloving and hurts you so you “attack him” and disrespect him even more which makes him retreat into his cave or lash out at you…see the pattern? Crazy huh?

Ok, granted that you argue with him to resolve things, work through it so that you can get closer to each other. That is the aim you set out with. But in a guy’s world, that approach of arguing it out so you can eventually become closer and more intimate does not work. The motive may be good but the approach is disastrous. He will just read it as you attacking him, so don’t be surprised when he withdraws or fights back.

So how do we get on the bliss cycle where things just get better and better? You need to show him respect first. Ask him when he feels disrespected; ask him what makes him feel respected. Treat him with respect and you will see a transformation in him.

The more respect he feels the more loving he will become. I guarantee it. It doesn’t always work the other way around because in most cases the more love he shows you the more you try to show your love for him but without this bit of information your loving efforts showered on him are wasted because you could be destroying the fabric of your relationship by being disrespectful to him in the process. 

A bit of trivia, the song Respect made famous by Aretha Franklin was written by a man - Otis Redding.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Good post. Sums up one of the more common issues in a long term relationship nicely.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

DianaAgron said:


> if you’re already in a relationship thats on the rocks and you wonder why you guys are always fighting…read on…
> 
> I’m going to share with you a secret that is so powerful; it’s been around for centuries. It’s probably not anything you’ve heard before. But before I reveal this secret, you must promise that you will keep an open mind. It will come across very traditional and backward but bear with me and it will change everything in your relationship!
> 
> ...



When my wife and I separated, I told her she didn't respect me. She agreed and said she did not respect me. That pierced my soul. I still feel that.


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## Tangent (Apr 9, 2012)

I agree. I'm experiencing major disrespect from my wife right now, and it is causing me to question our whole relationship and think about divorce. Respect is extremely important for a man. If she showed me respect, I would do anything for her, but she is so disrespectful, despite all that I do, I can't help but feel she doesn't deserve anything from me.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Something to try for sure. but I think to it depends on the person you are dealing with. 

For example I have dated a guy before a few years ago and nothing I did or said made him have respect for me. I could be nice, have respect for him, etc, tried different things etc, and sometimes its the just the person. There are actually people in the world who are disrespectful regardless of what another person does or tries. 

Luckily for me I ended it, its not something I would continue to put up with especially if I have tried most everything I know.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Respect should be an integral part of any relationship, and I think it's important to both men and women to feel respected by their partner.

I also think you have to narrow down what "respect" is, or should be. 

There are some people out there who, while they thrive on respect themselves, have virtually no capacity to offer it to others. They see you having self-respect as an affront to them, and accept only serious doormat behavior as being respectful. If a person requires so much "respect" from you that you can't have any left over for yourself, that's a problem that you need to step far away from.


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## DianaAgron (Apr 10, 2012)

FreedomCorp said:


> Good post. Sums up one of the more common issues in a long term relationship nicely.


Thanks


Jayb said:


> When my wife and I separated, I told her she didn't respect me. She agreed and said she did not respect me. That pierced my soul. I still feel that.


I’m sorry to hear that. 


Tangent said:


> I agree. I'm experiencing major disrespect from my wife right now, and it is causing me to question our whole relationship and think about divorce. Respect is extremely important for a man. If she showed me respect, I would do anything for her, but she is so disrespectful, despite all that I do, I can't help but feel she doesn't deserve anything from me.


Maybe sit down with her and let her know how you feel when she is disrespectful towards you. If you let her know that her being disrespectful is unloving and hurtful then she might understand. No woman sets out to be unloving or hurtful. Let her know what she does that is disrespectful and what she does that is respectful. Be specific eg, “I find it disrespectful when you shout at me…I find it disrespectful when you belittle me in front of friends…I feel respected when you ask me for advice…etc.” Most women don’t realize how important it is to a man to feel respected. Like I wrote in the post above – Respect is the equivalent of Love for men. 



Rowan said:


> Respect should be an integral part of any relationship, and I think it's important to both men and women to feel respected by their partner.
> 
> I also think you have to narrow down what "respect" is, or should be.
> 
> There are some people out there who, while they thrive on respect themselves, have virtually no capacity to offer it to others. They see you having self-respect as an affront to them, and accept only serious doormat behavior as being respectful. If a person requires so much "respect" from you that you can't have any left over for yourself, that's a problem that you need to step far away from.


I agree with you that both parties need to feel respected.

For most men, respect is the most important thing. Just like for most women love is the most important thing.

Yes, narrowing it down and being specific is key. Every man is different and respect in action means different things for different people.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Hmm....I'm going to raise some concerns...

Respect is something BOTH partners need, not just men. Love is also something that both partners need, not just women. You can't say that women need love the way men need respect because that implies a kind of reductive hierarchy.

You say that respect should be unconditional, like love. However, most people will exploit others for their own gain -- and they'll do it without even being aware that they are doing so. It is human nature to chase an advantage and take a privilege when it seems to be available. I think that both love and respect are somewhat conditional. However, I think that neither should be used as weapons or as a method of manipulative currency.

According to dictionary.com, here are two definitions of respect: 
-- esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: (example: I have great respect for her judgment.)
-- deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: (example: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.)

More often than not, when a man says he deserves or wants or needs respect, what he's saying is that he wants his superiority to be acknowledged or wants people to turn to him in deference and acknowledge his privileged position. I think that if a man wants deference, he must earn it. It should not be automatically granted by virtue of his male organs.

If the idea is that what men need is esteem, a sense of worth that is acknowledged, I'd agree with you. Men do need this. However, women do, too. I am not sure I understand the binary and polemical situation here. Why is respect on one side and given to men while love is on another side given to women?

Better would be for both people to respect each other, love each other, and be considerate of the different ways in which the individual needs that love and respect to be shown. There are many ways to love a person, but if you do not also respect that person, you can't establish a partnership of peers.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

This is a thought provoking post for me. For the past two years our marriage has been a struggle. At first I thought she was cheating but after exhausting all avenues I realize it just did not happen. At that point I knew I needed to get counseling and it did wonders for my self esteem and for our communication. The tension is gone and we are much happier. The one things remains beneath the surface is respect. I love and respect her for her accomplishments. She loves me but without coming right out and saying it I know she does not respect me. I have been underemployed for the past 3 years after a long successful career and I can tell it bothers her. She just is not that interested about anything in my side of life. 

As much as I love her I fear the lack of respect will ultimately be our undoing.

Thanks for posting this. It is spot on in so many ways!


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

moxy said:


> Hmm....I'm going to raise some concerns...
> 
> Respect is something BOTH partners need, not just men. Love is also something that both partners need, not just women. You can't say that women need love the way men need respect because that implies a kind of reductive hierarchy.
> 
> ...


This is so much better than the original post and is Spot on 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

After years and years I have finally realize that you cannot expect a man to show more love because YOU show so much love. We are wired differently. Once you understand this, you can let go of your insecurities and rebuild your marriage.

My husband is out of work, depressed, and is having trouble with paying the bills. I do NOT ***** at him for this. I still show him respect and make him feel like a man. Can you imagine how he feels not being able to provide right now? Nagging and pointing out his faults is cruel. Showering him with kisses and flowers will do nothing either. Reminding him that he is the man of the house and respecting him as such.

I see some women who hen peck their husbands until they just sit there and rot in silence. This disgusts me. It is not sexist for the man to be a man. Should he conk you on the head with a club and drag you into his cave? Of course not. But a man's pride is a powerful thing, stomp on that and your marriage will never be the same.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This sounds accurate. I am curious to see what SA thinks about this?


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

Respect must be earned. Respect like a bank account should have some set aside for a rainy day when a withdrawal may be made, but you are still in the black.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Something to try for sure. but I think to it depends on the person you are dealing with.
> 
> For example I have dated a guy before a few years ago and nothing I did or said made him have respect for me. I could be nice, have respect for him, etc, tried different things etc, and sometimes its the just the person. There are actually people in the world who are disrespectful regardless of what another person does or tries.
> 
> Luckily for me I ended it, its not something I would continue to put up with especially if I have tried most everything I know.


:iagree: I think this has a lot to do with it as well!


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I had a hard time empathizing with this post. I don't really understand _showing_ respect. To me, "respect" is an inward attitude not an outward show. If you actually respect someone, it is evident in every interaction with them. There's no need to "show" it.

The other way I don't understand it is that I Would never ask for a show of respect. I'd try to make sure I was respectable. If I was *certain* I was and Carol was did not automatically develop the appropriate amount of real respect, then I'd know she was not a compatible match for me. What that tells me is that our moral and ethical codes are significantly different. Time to divorce.

I also think "respect" is a key ingredient of a marriage for both participants. I hear plenty of female posters concerned that their husband doesn't "respect" them.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> Nagging and pointing out his faults is cruel. Showering him with kisses and flowers will do nothing either.
> 
> But a man's pride is a powerful thing, stomp on that and your marriage will never be the same.


One should never nag and point out faults without provocation. We don't treat our friends this way, why do so with our spouses? Problems and grievances should be raised in a reasonable context; example: either "honey, we have a problem..." or "oh, you're asking me if I'm bothered about something and if it has to do with you, well, actually..." would be better than constantly cutting someone down with criticism and complaint. Men do this and we call them abusive, but it's equally abusive when women do it because it slowly erodes a partner's self-esteem. I'm not saying one shouldn't complain, but nagging is not conducive to a good relationship environment.

I have to say that the idea of pride does matter in this conversation. I think that the OP wanted to indicate that if you take care to puff up your man's pride, he will be a better man. Or, maybe that if you don't wound his pride he's more likely to be a better husband. While I do think that culturally, men are encouraged to be expressive of their pride, that puffing it up for them is more like enabling their stasis that actually being supportive of the relationship. It's like saying "hey ladies, if you always kiss your husband's butt, he will treat you like a princess!" Unfortunately, it isn't true, because it teaches him to rely on her adoration for his self-esteem and that can become abusive when the resource is lacking. Also, it implies that it's the woman's job to make sure that the relationship is going well and that just reinforces the feeling women are too often stuck with, that they have to be the ones to make the marriage work. Pride is important. We should earn it. We should not cut down the spouse's pride without good reason and we should not tolerate their cutting ours down without reason. Respect has to be mutual. And, so does consideration.

endless grief, you're being considerate of your husband's feelings. That is loving and supportive. 

Respect for another includes things like consideration and acceptance of strange habits...but just puffing up a guy's ego seems insincere and ultimately self-defeating. OP. Can you tell me the difference between what you think is the male need for love and the female need for respect and why you see those as separate? Are you, in fact, suggesting that women should inflate their partners' egos? Or, are you saying that women should be considerate of their partners? (And, why do you not give the same advice to men in your post?)


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## Tangent (Apr 9, 2012)

To me respect is not the same as puffing up ego or pride. Respect is to treat as an equal (not better than). I think men and women are wired differently, and I think a woman showing a man respect is roughly analogous to a man showing a woman tenderness and affection (showing love if you will). 

In my case, forms of disrespect I feel my wife have shown me include her unilaterally deciding to change major plans or events that affected me, that we had previously agreed upon: wedding plans, major house work/renovations, demanding I do things on her schedule, nagging me until late at night when I'm trying to get to sleep for an early morning at work. It's essentially saying that my opinion doesn't matter, I am supposed to do whatever she says, whenever she says. This is hardly a case of me expected to be treated as a superior.


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## DianaAgron (Apr 10, 2012)

moxy said:


> Hmm....I'm going to raise some concerns...
> Respect is something BOTH partners need, not just men. Love is also something that both partners need, not just women. You can't say that women need love the way men need respect because that implies a kind of reductive hierarchy.


I agree that both partners need respect and that both partners need love. I’m in no way implying that one is more superior then the other. 


moxy said:


> You say that respect should be unconditional, like love. However, most people will exploit others for their own gain -- and they'll do it without even being aware that they are doing so. It is human nature to chase an advantage and take a privilege when it seems to be available. I think that both love and respect are somewhat conditional. However, I think that neither should be used as weapons or as a method of manipulative currency.


I’m not encouraging anyone to manipulate their partners with evil intent. I prefer to see it in a more positive light. Understanding each other’s needs and providing it can only result in a better outcome for both parties. 



moxy said:


> If the idea is that what men need is esteem, a sense of worth that is acknowledged, I'd agree with you. Men do need this.


This is what I mean.



moxy said:


> However, women do, too. I am not sure I understand the binary and polemical situation here. Why is respect on one side and given to men while love is on another side given to women?
> Better would be for both people to respect each other, love each other, and be considerate of the different ways in which the individual needs that love and respect to be shown. There are many ways to love a person, but if you do not also respect that person, you can't establish a partnership of peers.


It’s understanding that most men –not all men - are wired differently than most women. 


RClawson said:


> This is a thought provoking post for me. For the past two years our marriage has been a struggle. At first I thought she was cheating but after exhausting all avenues I realize it just did not happen. At that point I knew I needed to get counselling and it did wonders for my self esteem and for our communication. The tension is gone and we are much happier. The one things remains beneath the surface is respect. I love and respect her for her accomplishments. She loves me but without coming right out and saying it I know she does not respect me. I have been underemployed for the past 3 years after a long successful career and I can tell it bothers her. She just is not that interested about anything in my side of life.
> As much as I love her I fear the lack of respect will ultimately be our undoing.
> Thanks for posting this. It is spot on in so many ways!


This is why I posted this. There is a lack of understanding from most women how much respect means to a man. 


endlessgrief said:


> After years and years I have finally realize that you cannot expect a man to show more love because YOU show so much love. We are wired differently. Once you understand this, you can let go of your insecurities and rebuild your marriage.
> My husband is out of work, depressed, and is having trouble with paying the bills. I do NOT ***** at him for this. I still show him respect and make him feel like a man. Can you imagine how he feels not being able to provide right now? Nagging and pointing out his faults is cruel. Showering him with kisses and flowers will do nothing either. Reminding him that he is the man of the house and respecting him as such.
> I see some women who hen peck their husbands until they just sit there and rot in silence. This disgusts me. It is not sexist for the man to be a man. Should he conk you on the head with a club and drag you into his cave? Of course not. But a man's pride is a powerful thing, stomp on that and your marriage will never be the same.


You understand what I mean. 

This is not a hypothesis that I’m sharing here. You will find that this is how the real world works. Call it what you want but this applies to 90% of relationships out there. It just works. You can question the political correctness of my point but it doesn’t change the bottom line.


Going Mental said:


> Respect must be earned. Respect like a bank account should have some set aside for a rainy day when a withdrawal may be made, but you are still in the black.


What a guy hears when you say this is: “I will love you when you’ve earned it.” Most women would be outraged and utterly hurt if you said this to them. Now, this is how a guy feels.



Jeff/BC said:


> I had a hard time empathizing with this post. I don't really understand _showing_ respect. To me, "respect" is an inward attitude not an outward show. If you actually respect someone, it is evident in every interaction with them. There's no need to "show" it.
> 
> The other way I don't understand it is that I Would never ask for a show of respect. I'd try to make sure I was respectable. If I was *certain* I was and Carol was did not automatically develop the appropriate amount of real respect, then I'd know she was not a compatible match for me. What that tells me is that our moral and ethical codes are significantly different. Time to divorce.
> I also think "respect" is a key ingredient of a marriage for both participants. I hear plenty of female posters concerned that their husband doesn't "respect" them.


I’m glad you are both content in your marriage. More power to you. I would be curious to see what your wife’s opinion of this thread would be. 


moxy said:


> Can you tell me the difference between what you think is the male need for love and the female need for respect and why you see those as separate? Are you, in fact, suggesting that women should inflate their partners' egos? Or, are you saying that women should be considerate of their partners? (And, why do you not give the same advice to men in your post?)


I’m in no way suggesting that you should inflate anyone’s ego. It has to be genuine. 

Yes, I am saying that women should be considerate of their partners. Understanding that a man is conditioned from an early age to be the provider and protector of the family is important. Most men feel this responsibility. They feel that the responsibilty of the whole family lies on their shoulders. That the buck stops with them. They will never tell you this.

And most men feel that they are inadequate inside. It’s like a secret that they don’t want anyone to know. They will put on a brave face and do what they can. When a woman disrespects a man, she is challenging his role and identity as the protector/provider. This strikes at the core of who they are. 

This is why in most cases, for most men, respect is highly regarded.

I can start a thread on how men can improve their relationships by being more loving and respectful towards their partners but we all know that this has been thoroughly covered. I’m just trying bring some balance back into the picture.

I think women need to hear this as it’s been drowned out with the feminist movement giving the word “respect ” a dirty word, making women fear that if they give a guy too much respect it will go to his head and that he will abuse any “power” that’s given to him. Holding back on giving him respect otherwise he will take advantage of you. 

In reality this does the opposite.

There’s always going to be some men out there that no matter how much respect you give them it will never change anything but these are the exception then the norm. They obviously have deeper issues that they need to deal with. 


Tangent said:


> To me respect is not the same as puffing up ego or pride. Respect is to treat as an equal (not better than). I think men and women are wired differently, and I think a woman showing a man respect is roughly analogous to a man showing a woman tenderness and affection (showing love if you will).
> In my case, forms of disrespect I feel my wife have shown me include her unilaterally deciding to change major plans or events that affected me, that we had previously agreed upon: wedding plans, major house work/renovations, demanding I do things on her schedule, nagging me until late at night when I'm trying to get to sleep for an early morning at work. It's essentially saying that my opinion doesn't matter, I am supposed to do whatever she says, whenever she says. This is hardly a case of me expected to be treated as a superior.


I’m glad you understand what I’m saying here. As I mentioned above, men can be loving and tender till the cows come home but if she doesn’t know how to return his affections in a way that means something to him, then it can be a one way street underneath the surface of what seems to be two people mutually loving and respecting each other. 

Maybe sit her down and let her know that when she is doing these things, you find it disrespectful and that it hurts you. This is a language she will understand.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

DianaAgron said:


> A bit of trivia, the song Respect made famous by Aretha Franklin was written by a man - Otis Redding.


:smthumbup:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I agree with the OP 100%.

Trouble is, not all men are worthy of respect but often feel entitled to it anyway.


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