# Please give advice



## stargazer6200 (May 31, 2016)

My husband and I typically celebrate our anniversary and last week was our 8th anniversary. He posted a nice message on facebook however that was it. I don't want to sound petty because I'm truly not like that. Typically we give each other little things that are meaningful and have dinner after the kids are in bed. He didn't even get me a card. I gave him his gift from me and he said thank you. Didn't mention our anniversary or anything. He went to bed a little later. I didn't say anything because I wanted to process everything. The next day I told him about how I felt etc. It took him a couple days then he said he was sorry, he probably should have gotten me something and really blew off the conversation.

I was pretty upset and I still am. Now this weekend we are supposed to travel to a family reunion for his family. I just don't want to go. Why would I? So now I am torn - why should I go on a trip with someone who clearly doesn't think much of me or our marriage? Oh and I should add that he is the type of guy that sends EVERYONE in his contact list an anniversary card... 

I just don't think I can travel being so angry at him.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Is he passive/aggressive?

Tell him why you don't want to go. You need to talk about this and how him dismissing you obvious hurt makes you feel. Maybe he is just clueless and he may need for you to spell it out for him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He deviated from your usual tradition, gave a half-azzed apology and blew off the conversation. Don't think I'd want to ride in a car with him, either. Tell him to have fun. You can suggest that he add your anniversary to his contact list, if it isn't too much trouble for him.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I would sit him down sometime when you have time away from the kids, and talk to him about what happened. If he tries to blow off the conversation again, then ask why he is avoiding the discussion, if something is wrong, if he's unhappy with you for some reason, etc.

*ETA:* As far as whether you should go to the reunion, why shouldn't you go? He's your husband, repaying evil with evil isn't love. You don't know why he did it, if something is seriously wrong, or anything else yet. Consider leaving the kids at home if you are able, and the drive will give you guys time to talk.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Yes this does need much more discussion. He really did nothing for your anniversary. I would think he forgot and was embarrassed, but you said he posted on FB a nice message. I don't get this thing with husband and wives posting to each other on FB. You are there together, TALK to each other, say those nice things in person. When you post it on FB then you are just putting on a show for your friends. He wants the world ( or his friends list) to think he is a loving husband, but hey what about some real face to face love?


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

NWCooper said:


> Yes this does need much more discussion. He really did nothing for your anniversary. I would think he forgot and was embarrassed, but you said he posted on FB a nice message. I don't get this thing with husband and wives posting to each other on FB. You are there together, TALK to each other, say those nice things in person. *When you post it on FB then you are just putting on a show for your friends. He wants the world ( or his friends list) to think he is a loving husband, but hey what about some real face to face love*?


OMG...This! I had to tell my H to stop with that nonsense as it looks like he is trying to save face and show everyone else what a wonderful husband he is....... I told him it would just confuse people when? If? we divorce..... :\


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

It's humorous when people post long dedications to their little children on FB...."John Boy, you are the most loving child a mother could ever ask for. From the time I first held you.... I love you to the moon and back and I'm proud to be your mother...." Yeah, let me know when your 5 year old logs on and reads that. Until then, nice cry for attention.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> OMG...This! I had to tell my H to stop with that nonsense as it looks like he is trying to save face and show everyone else what a wonderful husband he is....... I told him it would just confuse people when? If? we divorce..... :\


I don't believe all the happy smiles posted on fb. Makes me ask what are they hiding. My cousin had the perfect fb marriage. Cute photos and vacations etc. Funny I heard this weekend she left her H and was cheating with some guy at work. Don't believe everything you see on FB.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the marriage? Regular, good sex? A roommate situation?

My marriage was horrible and I didn't get her anything for birthdays, anniversary's, etc after a while. It was just pointless. The worst part was giving her a card with mushy B.S. on it that was totally the opposite of what I felt for her.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BioFury said:


> I would sit him down sometime when you have time away from the kids, and talk to him about what happened. If he tries to blow off the conversation again, then ask why he is avoiding the discussion, if something is wrong, if he's unhappy with you for some reason, etc.
> 
> *ETA:* As far as whether you should go to the reunion, why shouldn't you go? He's your husband, repaying evil with evil isn't love. You don't know why he did it, if something is seriously wrong, or anything else yet. Consider leaving the kids at home if you are able, and the drive will give you guys time to talk.


I agree with your first paragraph, but not going to a family reunion that she does not want to go to is not evil. Why should she go to it? I know lots of couples who are not willing to visit their spouses families very much, if at all.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

stargazer6200 said:


> My husband and I typically celebrate our anniversary and last week was our 8th anniversary. He posted a nice message on facebook however that was it. I don't want to sound petty because I'm truly not like that. Typically we give each other little things that are meaningful and have dinner after the kids are in bed. He didn't even get me a card. I gave him his gift from me and he said thank you. Didn't mention our anniversary or anything. He went to bed a little later. I didn't say anything because I wanted to process everything. The next day I told him about how I felt etc. It took him a couple days then he said he was sorry, he probably should have gotten me something and really blew off the conversation.
> 
> I was pretty upset and I still am. Now this weekend we are supposed to travel to a family reunion for his family. I just don't want to go. Why would I? So now I am torn - why should I go on a trip with someone who clearly doesn't think much of me or our marriage? Oh and I should add that he is the type of guy that sends EVERYONE in his contact list an anniversary card...
> 
> I just don't think I can travel being so angry at him.


When you tried to talk with him about this, did he give you any explanation before he blew you off? Did he forget the anniversary, or was he just being lazy? Have you sensed other issues in your marriage before this?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You know I just don't understand gifts. Gift giving is not my love language. I'm not an observer of days. But I did buy a birthday present. and a Christmas present, and arrange a big date for anniversary. I observed Valentines when my heart wasn't in it. I got something for Mothers Day. It isn't that hard if it makes someone happy. 

Heck just this weekend I ordered my Fathers day present (ironic ain't it)


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> I agree with your first paragraph, but not going to a family reunion that she does not want to go to is not evil. Why should she go to it? I know lots of couples who are not willing to visit their spouses families very much, if at all.


Just because lots of couples do it, doesn't make it right.

But, I'm not saying that not going to a reunion is evil in and of itself. I'm saying that her motivation for potentially not going does appear to be evil. In that she wants to get him back for not taking her to dinner on their anniversary.

If his behavior was ongoing, and she had exhausted all manner of civil and loving communication in an attempt to fix the problem, then giving him a taste of his own medicine might be warranted.

But you wouldn't be giving him a taste of his own medicine out of spite, just as you don't punish your kids out of anger. You're trying to communicate a message to them, in the only way they can understand: pain.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BioFury said:


> Just because lots of couples do it, doesn't make it right.
> 
> But, I'm not saying that not going to a reunion is evil in and of itself. I'm saying that her motivation for potentially not going does appear to be evil. In that she wants to get him back for not taking her to dinner on their anniversary.
> 
> ...


What I read was that she was so angry she didn't want to go on a long trip with him. Not that she was trying to punish him or give him a taste of his own medicine. Rather didn't *want *to go, so given his apparent unwillingness to do anything he didn't want to do for her, why should she bother? 

I agree that it's not necessarily "okay" that some couples won't go see their spouse's family. My husband won't travel to see any of my family and he drops into a serious funk if I ask if they can come visit and it's one thing that if I'd known he'd be like that in advance, I would not have married him.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

NWCooper said:


> ... I would think he forgot and was embarrassed, but you said he posted on FB a nice message....


He may have posted that after she gave him her card/gift, or maybe he remembered on that day and put the FB post up since he'd not done anything else. That's why I'm curious to know if he forgot or was just indifferent.



NWCooper said:


> I don't get this thing with husband and wives posting to each other on FB. You are there together, TALK to each other, say those nice things in person. When you post it on FB then you are just putting on a show for your friends. He wants the world ( or his friends list) to think he is a loving husband, but hey what about some real face to face love?


I don't get that either. It's doesn't bother me like some of the "deep" self-congratulatory, narcissistic thoughts people occasionally post do, but I don't really get it either. If my H did that I'd feel more exposed/awkward than flattered.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

stargazer6200 said:


> He didn't even get me a card.
> 
> I was pretty upset and I still am. - why should I go on a trip with someone who clearly doesn't think much of me or our marriage?
> 
> ...


He did this consciously. No accident here.

He has observed your Anniversary seven times already. Not this one. What has changed in the last year?

You see only HIS ACTIONS. He did not do this in a vacuum. What bad behavior do you own?

It may be all on him...but why now. Something has changed.

You may be overtly or subconsciously sending him the message that he is sub-standard, not worthy. He is detaching in response. The marriage is over for him.

-OR-

He may be having an affair and is back-handedly angering you... letting you push him out, and rightfully so. If you get fed up with him, a separation and divorce will go easier. Is that his goal? 

Put your detective hat on. Keep your mouth and intentions to yourself.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

If I were you I wouldn't go. You need to set boundaries for yourself, and you need to set a line to show him how you need to be treated and don't tolerate anything less. My husband has done things that I don't think are ways a man should treat his wife, so i told him that im not going to be "that type of wife" (one that cooks and cleans and does all his laundry) if he isn't going to be "that type of husband" (caring, kind, and attentive). 

I'm sorry your going through this. Always give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he's going through something or depressed. But at the same time respect yourself and set boundaries. There is a saying that I kinda hate... You teach people how to treat you. Like another poster said... You can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. You can't force him to treat you like a princess. All you can do is talk to him, set boundaries and see what happens. It's all up to what you are willing to tolerate.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> -OR-
> 
> He may be having an affair and is back-handedly angering you... letting you push him out, and rightfully so. If you get fed up with him, a separation and divorce will go easier. Is that his goal?
> 
> Put your detective hat on. Keep your mouth and intentions to yourself.


That thought occurred to me too.


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## lovemark (Jun 10, 2016)

stargazer6200 said:


> My husband need some changes in appearence!


I think the best way to make changes in a life is to change your haircut!:laugh:He should expirement with his barber. Perhaps, he will get proper answer!!! Probably, this web-page will be useful! :wink2: Hope, my advice can solve your trouble!!!


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