# Reconnecting with wife...possible?



## asked13got31 (Mar 8, 2013)

we've been married for 14 years, and have had plenty of ups and downs.

I called her out on some BPD type behaviors and called her bluff on a divorce over a year ago. The kids are important and so is our lifestyle and that makes it tough as well.

It's been tough but I think the worst of the worst is behind us.
We're friendly now but sex and affection has been an issue since about the honeymoon, got worse with our first child, her sleeping in the kid's bed, basically nonexistent after the second. I know this and meds are or were all in play here. 

We had one good time together in recent memory and the latest was a chore for her, so that's not where I want things to be.

She was all over me at in the beginning and some advice is getting back to being the attractive person you were. I think there's something to that, and I recognized some bad habits - it's easy to get lazy and take things for granted. And when you're hurt you lash out and hurt back.

I've done a 180 and so I've changed a lot in my confidence and where I stand on things. Still a long way to go, but I don't see myself ending up anywhere like the man she first fell in love with, and nothing like the hollowed out person I had become. 

So the obvious question is, is there something for her to reconnect to? At this point I'm feeling very unemotional about it, like I've got past something to make myself stronger - not sure how long that will last but I think I just keep going in that direction.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm interested in how you called her bluff on divorcing. Did she get the impression that its all up to her? That you'll let her stay no matter what? Does she feel completely safe that you'll never leave or cheat? It's good for a wife to feel safe. But not that safe.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Be 100% honest with yourself .We all need to solve our own issues before we can resolve all others.This may take some time but if you are both commited it will work out The best thing ever made was another day


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## asked13got31 (Mar 8, 2013)

I think it was her escape fantasy, that divorce would be easy and she'd keep what she wanted, or even keeping me in the picture in a separated but living together situation - we were more or less roommates anyway. I said forget it and pushed her to file papers and she backed off. She started some therapy on her own which might have helped. We'd done some couples therapy but I think it only works if both people are already well adjusted. 

That's going back a ways to answer your question.

As luck would have it, I came home to a friendly and more affectionate wife and a cleaner house. Turns out she hadn't stopped taking the new meds, so I'm pleased about that.

I think I want to be focusing on the positives and ignoring the negatives. This may be a tall order and there might be too much history for a reset, but I want her to win me back in a way.


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