# Escape from Roller Coaster



## Wigley (Mar 27, 2014)

Hello TAM,

Just got home from a solo counseling session with marriage counselor. Is there any method other than prayer on how to make the final decision to leave a toxic 17 year marriage. The counselor said we have two different personalities that will always butt heads. How much am I willing to handle before it becomes unbearable. Counselor said highest divorce rate is in 50's!

Husband is 55 and been smoking pot since 17. I am 55 also. No kids. He also likes to drink beer too. When he is out of pot, he goes through withdrawal symptoms. He has crazy dreams, does not sleep well, and is very irritable. During these withdrawal weeks, the verbal abuse escalates.

This past week he was really unhappy with his perception of my comments from a couple situations. He no longer see the point of marriage counseling, and does not like I meet with my Al-Anon sponsor once a week. So he contacted his attorney and was looking for a bachelor pad. Totally through me off balance. I think the appointment is now canceled, but when will he do it again. If single, he felt he would be able to do whatever he wants when he wants it. In his mind, I am the cause of all his problems and unhappiness. He does not want to give up drinking or smoking.

So I live with snarky comments, lies, and an illegal substance in our house. Logically, I know I should cut loses, but have not accepted it emotionally.

My divorce has been pending since Jan. If activated, we would not have to wait 60 days. It could be over quickly.

Any suggestions on how to accept I would be better off single. 

Thanks in advance for suggestions.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Doesn't sound like the decision is up to you.

When your husband decides he's had enough, he'll file the papers and the divorce will happen.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Wigley said:


> Hello TAM,
> 
> Just got home from a solo counseling session with marriage counselor. Is there any method other than prayer on how to make the final decision to leave a toxic 17 year marriage. The counselor said we have two different personalities that will always butt heads. How much am I willing to handle before it becomes unbearable. Counselor said highest divorce rate is in 50's!
> 
> ...


My suggestion is that you think of how much better your life will be without him. You will no longer have to walk on eggshells or deal with a husband who does not have your best interests at heart. It is better to live alone and develop a fulfilling life than to stay in a relationship where you do not feel loved or appreciated.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, I cant understand how you are still there, how you lasted 17 years. You are holding on to nothing. You will be amazed at how happy you can be away from this man and this marriage...let it go.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You already know the marriage is toxic.
I'm not sure whats holding you back.

Activate the papers and see whats happens. 
Doesnt sound like it can get much worse.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Wigley said:


> Hello TAM,
> 
> Just got home from a solo counseling session with marriage counselor. Is there any method other than prayer on how to make the final decision to leave a toxic 17 year marriage. The counselor said we have two different personalities that will always butt heads. How much am I willing to handle before it becomes unbearable. Counselor said highest divorce rate is in 50's!
> 
> ...


You are old and wise enough to know that if someone is being unreasonable, there is no point in having a conversation with them. Yet, you spend a long time trying to justify yourself with someone who is completely unreasonable.

The unreasonable person I write about is not your husband, but your inner voice. Your inner voice says that you cannot go, that you have to justify yourself first and yet will never accept any justification. The answer is to learn that this inner voice is just something you have made up, you do not even have to ignore it, just do not engage.

You know full well what to do. Do it.


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