# Would you be offended if your fiance suggested you get a personal trainer?



## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

I am trying to be level headed about this — but I need to know if most people would be as impacted as I am — over a comment your fiancé makes.

I am with a guy who is very into himself. He’s very good looking, successful and fit. He was even more fit when I met him — but he’s still got a great body.

I am 41 and he's 50. He spends more time on his clothes and appearance that I do — and I take care of myself!
I’m 5’9 and 133lbs. I work out about 3-4 times a week.
I am not muscular and I don’t have the perfect body…but I think I look pretty decent.
I’m a size 2 -or 4.

Well, recently during an argument my fiancé said “get off your FLAT ass” — then he denied ever saying anything.
He makes comments “I wish you would come lift weights with me — so you will feel better about yourself”
It’s all due to the fact that I see him drooling over women in the gym. He was working out once and told me he was watching a woman to see what exercises she was doing because she had an amazing body and he wanted to take notes on what she did - so he could tell me.

I was like WTF? He said — “you have got to admit that she’s got a great body”.
I get very insecure when I hear this stuff. I have gone and worked out with him before and he treats me like a child. It drives me nuts. So, I started going to classes and stuff without him.

Well now 2 times in the last month he’s said, “we should get you a personal trainer” … so you can ‘get healthy’.
We don’t have money for a personal trainer. We already pay enough in gym memberships. And I would never spend that money unless we had it.

I told him that wasn’t nice to say - -he said “what you are in shape? You are ready to run marathon?” I said — no. But, I can run 4 miles (I do a few times a week) and I know he’s not talking about my endurance. He’s talking about my lack of curves. It hurts.

He said “you always have to get offended and hurt and act this way and start trouble. NO one would be insulted by that — you are just looking for trouble. Get over it”
I told him to drop it because I didn’t want to fight — when I felt even worse about myself.


Would you feel offended if your spouse kept saying things like “you should get a personal trainer” when he even complains about the gym dues — but it’s usually as a result of him looking at a woman while out and about.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I wouldn't get offended, I probably won't marry him either. Most people say mean things when they fight every once in a while that's just the way it is. You are 41 and it good shape and he still isn't satisfied. You aren't getting any younger what is he going to be saying as you age like any normal human being? Red flags all around...


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

I tend to agree with @sokillme about carefully reconsidering him for a long term relationship. The brash comments won't change even if you achieve the perfect athletic body (of his dreams). 

Guys are far more visual than ladies. But this is a bit much. I notice ladies at the gym. I asked a fit lady to speak with my wife for motivation and tips. It helped. I did get my wife a female personal trainer after watching how all the female trainers did with their clients. 

She was happy with the choice. She learned a lot. I could have "trained" her a bit myself, but some things won't work well between spouses. At least for us. 

Your guy's behavior is not what you want. I'd talk with him about your honest concerns. Budget, insults and such. Tell him of your serious concerns. Straight up. 

Does he respect you and your relationship or are you a mental punching bag?

If he fixes himself only to slide back to his old ways... you might consider parting ways.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

I'm a guy - and I mean no personal offense when I write this, but from what you wrote above, your fiancée sounds like a complete jackass. 

Personally, I do not see the harm in admiring the aesthetics of another human being in a setting that supports such appreciation (Whether it be the gym, pool, beach, etc.). The problem comes into play when all of a sudden you are compared and contrasted to someone that you don't even know, probably haven't seen for yourself, and is likely much younger than you. The problem is further compounded when you ask your partner to stop this obsessiveness and he continues anyway.

This problem is not going to go away any time soon either. In fact, it will probably get worse after you too are married. My dad was obsessed with appearance (of both him and my mom) - and this obsession was one of the factors that drove my mom out of the marriage and into her blissful state of divorce. 

So bottom line, to answer your question: Would I be offended? No. I like myself too much to be offended by anyone else's observations, especially an aging blowhard muscle head. However, I would find it incredibly annoying. So annoying in fact that I would make it clear to my fiancée that the behavior on his part would need to stop immediately or our relationship would be in jeopardy. If the behavior continued, I would call off the wedding. 

[Please note: I am not advising you to end your relationship. He likely has good qualities, else you likely would not have agreed to marry him in the first place. I am only stating what I would do if I were in your place based on what you wrote above.]


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

flatorflush said:


> I am trying to be level headed about this — but I need to know if most people would be as impacted as I am — over a comment your fiancé makes.
> 
> I am with a guy who is very into himself. He’s very good looking, successful and fit. He was even more fit when I met him — but he’s still got a great body.
> 
> ...



You have every right to be upset, it is not as if you are not already going to the gym, are fit and trim, bloody hell, who does he think he is. Do not marry this guy, you will be miserable, he sounds like a narcissist, what will happen when he is 70 or 80 if that is all there is to him.

Find a man who will love who you are now.

You should get a personal trainer, ask him to pay for him, and make sure the PT is really hot, admire him, admire all the guys in the gym and tell your fiance how he falls short (I am sure you will think of something to affect his big ego), e.g. PT is an awesome guy, he is so encouraging and says I look great, I have great stamina, etc etc. Two can play that game.

I know I am being facetious here but honestly a man who puts you down like that all the time, why would you be with him?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> I am trying to be level headed about this — but I need to know if most people would be as impacted as I am — over a comment your fiancé makes.
> 
> I am with a guy who is very into himself. He’s very good looking, successful and fit. He was even more fit when I met him — but he’s still got a great body.
> 
> ...


I own a gym and I see women and men coming in all the time,working their ass off (literally) trying to get a figure that they will not achieve without surgery and/or steroid use.You can build endurance or muscle,you can have an ass that you could bounce quarters off and a sixpack like Rick Rude but unless nature has given you a natural curvy shape then surgery is your only option.It is no coincidence that gym owners employ hot trainers to attract customers but these people train for multiple hours every day,it's their job.
He sounds like a controlling ******* anyway so why not just tell him where to stick his opinions.At fifty he is soon going to have to work even harder to keep in shape,does a future life based around a gym really appeal to you.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

I hear you. I feel very insecure and going to the gym makes him so secure and annoying with his constant looking in the mirrors at himself. 

To be honest I have implants. I have curves up top. I think he just loves more curves below. But I just don't know. 

He says he just appreciates beauties and bodies.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Immediately leave any man who tells you to, "Get over it." 

Does not matter what "it" is.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Good trainers are hard to find. My wife has had 5 trainers and I’ve had 8. The qualification of a good trainer is not big muscles. In fact, there is a good chance that person will do you more harm than good. I’ve watched some of these trainers, especially those had the BIG NAMED gyms… and they are horrible!! Since I’ve been working out for 43 years, I have seen some real bad ones.

At 75 and my wife at 73, we both are using the same trainer. HOWEVER, this person is a Physical Therapist. She has changed my approach to working out. 

She makes it clear that most people over 50 should be exercising to be pain free and mobile. Most of us don’t need big muscles. And believe me, if you work with the wrong trainer or do the wrong exercises, you’ll get hurt.

In three weeks working with her, I no longer have shoulder or back pain. I don’t have pain anywhere! 

So take your friend’s advice and get a GOOD trainer… but you select them don't let him. Try to get a 40+ year old woman trainer. She’ll understand where you are in life. You’re 41 not 25. You are not competing in the Olympics next year.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

I hate to say it but this is typical anytime I express discomfort with something he has said or done. Or he will just say if I'm so bad than why don't you leave me then???


"Immediately leave any man who tells you to, "Get over it."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

flatorflush said:


> I hate to say it but this is typical anytime I express discomfort with something he has said or done. Or he will just say if I'm so bad than why don't you leave me then???
> 
> 
> "Immediately leave any man who tells you to, "Get over it."


Why do you not leave him?

There is just no reason to accept being treated that way.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It sounds like he is physically into women with muscles, especially in the butt and thigh and that he thinks you could be his preferred type with some work.

If you want that, too, then get a good trainer. If not, tell him you aren't going to become the muscular woman he wants and that maybe it's time for you both to move on.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> I hate to say it but this is typical anytime I express discomfort with something he has said or done. Or he will just say if I'm so bad than why don't you leave me then???


Why are you with this cat? Is it simple because of how he looks? As you read through these threads you'll notice that people, especially men, in relationships too heavily weighted towards appearance often end up as road kill along the romance highway.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There are different types of trainers depending on what you are trying to achieve.Some people,mainly guys are into lifting heavy weights and building muscle,others are more into lighter weights/more repetitions to build a leaner more ribbed shape.Some people just want to exercise for the sake of getting out of the house for a couple of hours,maybe using a treadmill or exercise bicycle.Even joining an aerobics or spinning class can improve your general health while helping you chill after looking after kids all day.
When you get a bit older it's as you say,people are trying to improve their quality of life/mobility rather than getting super fit.When you look for a personal trainer or health therapist it's important to explain to them what you want to achieve.As you say at seventy five you are not aiming for the Olympic Games.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> I hear you. I feel very insecure and going to the gym makes him so secure and annoying with his constant looking in the mirrors at himself.
> 
> To be honest I have implants. I have curves up top. I think he just loves more curves below. But I just don't know.
> 
> He says he just appreciates beauties and bodies.


We get guys like this at the gym,they spend longer admiring themselves in the mirrors than actually exercising.At his age looking at twenty year old gym bunnies is about as close as he will get to them.You are in a no win situation here,he is comparing you to young girls but you are forty one.
I don't really see what you are getting from this relationship,he belittles you,tells you you are out of shape and from what you have inferred he wants you to get butt implants.If you want to get butt implants then get them for you,not him.But first I would get rid of that huge butt you are calling your boyfriend.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He needs to be your ex-fiancé.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@flatorflush this is what HE needs










Because the personality he has at the moment isn't working. 

And consider dumping him.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

My husband got super into the gym the year I suffered three miscarriages in a row (2014). I finally succeeded in having my son in June 2015. My husband basically checked out of any responsibility with either his newborn son or our daughter in favor of hanging out at the gym three hours per night five days per week. He made out with some girl at a bar when our son was 3 months old and then suggested to me that part of the reason was the weight I'd gained during the course of the miscarriages and successful pregnancy. He continued to hang out with his much younger gym buddies, never helped with the kids, and blamed me for not wanting to work out with him when I was working ft and carrying all the load with kids and housework. We are separated now and I'd rather be single forever into eternity than date another man who is obsessed with the gym and compares me to some young chick he sees doing squats. Screw that. Dad bods all day long for me. You sound very fit and attractive. Don't let him drag you down with his narcissism. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I find that there is some sort of strange irony here. You are dating a hot dude, probably cause he is hot, and when he wants you to get hot like him, it bothers you. What's that story about the sick snake that bites the guy who helps it, because, afterall, it's a snake.

What's gonna happen in 10 years from now? Beauty is skin deep. He seems pretty shallow. You seem subconsciously shallow for being with him. Focus on fixing that and you'll get your answer.


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## Maka (Jun 21, 2014)

You deserve better than that.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This is a tough one for me, as a 56 year old man who has been into physical fitness most of my life I may be biased. A sculpted body is a beautiful thing, I'm not talking mega muscles and I'm not talking bodies with 3% body fat, I'm talking the perfect combo of strength and cardio. I appreciate the toned look and the effort and discipline that goes into it.

With that said I think your boyfriend is showing a severe lack of tact and sensitivity. Right now he is telling you "you aren't good enough", and he is becoming belligerent about it. His comments about "running a marathon" or "get off your flat ass", or "look at her incredible body" are about as in your face as it gets. 

OP you have two choices, make yourself into his body perfect image, or be happy and respectful of yourself and tell him to go hump himself. You don't want to be in a relationship where you are constantly belittled, it's not healthy mentally.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He's basically trying to shame you into working out. I've never known anyone to fall for shaming tactics except those who are very sensitive and take things to heart. 

That doesn't sound like you, OP. Honestly, I don't think it matters if you get in the best shape of your life, your fiancé has a fundamental personality flaw and will ALWAYS compare and see the better in some passing woman. MANY MEN DO. But many men have the good sense to keep quiet about it and love their women as they are. Your fiancé is lacking a few filters, not to mention kindness. 

Meh, let him go live in his gym. I have no personal beef with fitness... My best friend is a fitness NUT, but she is also decent and kind to people who are not. So what if he has a good body, if underneath he is ugly....


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Let him pay for a personal trainer. Then tell him maybe he should have one too they can help older men maintain also.

Dump him


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

At 5 feet 9 inches and 133 pounds, your BMI is 19.6, well below the 25 threshold that starts the overweight phase.

When choosing a partner, one thing I go after is a guy who can dress appropriately but who is not a peacock. Because that attitude starts to spill out with the "why don't you"s and this is what you have.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Red flags all over the place!

You're perfect, Sweetheart. Both in mind and body! He's the one who's not!

If he needs his ashes hauled, tell him to let his personal trainer do it for him!

Rid yourself of this over-egotistical a$$!*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Red flags all over the place!
> 
> You're perfect, Sweetheart. Both in mind and body! He's the one who's not!
> 
> ...


There was an old guy at a gym working out one day and he seen a really hot woman exercising across the room.He called over the trainer and asked him what machine should he be using to impress the girl.
The trainer said "try the ATM in the lobby"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> There was an old guy at a gym working out one day and he seen a really hot woman exercising across the room.He called over the trainer and asked him what machine should he be using to impress the girl.
> The trainer said "try the ATM in the lobby"


*LMAO! Good one, Andy!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> I am trying to be level headed about this — but I need to know if most people would be as impacted as I am — over a comment your fiancé makes.
> 
> I am with a guy who is very into himself. He’s very good looking, successful and fit. He was even more fit when I met him — but he’s still got a great body.
> 
> ...


Why are you with such a man? He is arrogant, self-obsessed, rude, disrespectful, unloving, a letch and uncaring. 
To me those things are a complete turn-off. Its also shows why he is still unmarried at 50. 
He is in love with himself, he has no room for anyone else in his life. :frown2::frown2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It's clear that Mr. Midlife Crisis thinks your body isn't good enough for his special self. Screw him.

When I heard he was a 50 year old gym rat, I pictured Izzy Mandelbaum from Seinfeld - couldn't help it. LMAO.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

flatorflush said:


> I hate to say it but this is typical anytime I express discomfort with something he has said or done. Or he will just say if I'm so bad than why don't you leave me then???
> 
> 
> "Immediately leave any man who tells you to, "Get over it."


Call his bluff and up and leave. It is clear, he thinks he is better than you, he can talk down to you, dictate to you and you will do nothing about it. Prove him wrong.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

He sounds like a real charmer. I would dump him if that's his attitude.

Note that my wife and I go to the gym 3x a week to stay in shape, so I'm not against exercise.

I'm just against shallow idiots.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

I do feel like a failure and not attractive enough. And I noticed that he has been asking if my girlfriend who invited us to her penthouse for a 4th party...was having a pool party. He was saying you know your friends will want to drool over me without my shirt on. 

Then he said and of course the men will be staring at your boobies. But it's just so hard. I don't believe a word out of his mouth any more. I know he will be staring at women. 

Fortunately there is no POOL party. But I bet he will try to take over all conversions at this party as he always does. And when I start to say hey why don't you include me in these conversations he will say we'll jump in there. It's not my fault that people like me.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Omg he sounds like a dream come true. What a flippin narcissistic jackass. 

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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I would leave anyone who treated me that way. You deserve much better.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

flatorflush said:


> I do feel like a failure and not attractive enough. And I noticed that he has been asking if my girlfriend who invited us to her penthouse for a 4th party...was having a pool party. He was saying you know your friends will want to drool over me without my shirt on.
> 
> Then he said and of course the men will be staring at your boobies. But it's just so hard. I don't believe a word out of his mouth any more. I know he will be staring at women.
> 
> Fortunately there is no POOL party. But I bet he will try to take over all conversions at this party as he always does. And when I start to say hey why don't you include me in these conversations he will say we'll jump in there. It's not my fault that people like me.


OP,

you sound like a nice lady who unfortunately has some insecurities that are causing you to stay with such a total a$$ hat of a man. You just need to dump him and move on. You are only 41, still young. Plenty of better fish out there in the sea for you to meet.

I would be very curious to hear from you what your friends / relatives think of Mr. Charming.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> I do feel like a failure and not attractive enough. And I noticed that he has been asking if my girlfriend who invited us to her penthouse for a 4th party...was having a pool party. He was saying you know your friends will want to drool over me without my shirt on.
> 
> Then he said and of course the men will be staring at your boobies. But it's just so hard. I don't believe a word out of his mouth any more. I know he will be staring at women.
> 
> Fortunately there is no POOL party. But I bet he will try to take over all conversions at this party as he always does. And when I start to say hey why don't you include me in these conversations he will say we'll jump in there. It's not my fault that people like me.


Ok no more miss nice girl,this narcissistic asswipe needs his ego deflating.There are a few things you can do here but all of them will involve being rude to some degree.
1.Buy him a tshirt with "the ego has landed" written on it.
He won't wear it,that was a joke.
2.If he is ignoring you at the party ask him LOUDLY isn't it near his bed time and tell him the young people want to listen to some loud music and he knows how that gives him a headache.
3.This is mean but **** it.At every opportunity mention his age.If anybody compliments him just add on "for his age".For example if someone compliments his flat stomach or his pecs agree with them enthusiastically adding the non sequitur "for his age".
4.This is even meaner but **** it again.Tell him there is a notice in the ladies changing rooms warning about "certain" older gym users taking a more than passing interest in young girls using the gym and anyone who wishes may lodge a complaint with management.

In my gym we have an older couple who visit regularly and the husband is often to be found watching the younger female gym goers while supposedly using one of the bicycles.One of the trainers asked his wife does it bother her.Her reply was priceless.She said he is like a dog that chases cars.
If he caught one he couldn't drive it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He is a worthless douche canoe.
If you stay with him one more day, you deserve no sympathy.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

Thank you. This post makes me laugh. I like the idea of pointing out his age -- but he even uses that for him. He has said before -- can you believe how old I am? No one can -- everyone says the same thing-- that I look so young for my age.

God sometimes it takes these types of moments to realize just how weird this behavior is. I have NEVER told someone anything like this about myself. I never would.

He also just told me that he needs to hire a new receptionist for his office and she has to be young and hot. I was like a deer in headlights when I heard this. He said that I need to realize looks count -- and that is the way of the world and I'm living under a rock if I think they don't. 

And he will hire whomever he wants... but yes, she will be young, cheap and hot.

I don't know how to deal with this. I can be jealous of course but now I feel like I am OUT OF CONTROL. How do I believe that this is ok? I feel soinsecure and it's not a good look on me. I keep thinking of make overs etc. I need to help myself feel better!



Andy1001 said:


> Ok no more miss nice girl,this narcissistic asswipe needs his ego deflating.There are a few things you can do here but all of them will involve being rude to some degree.
> 1.Buy him a tshirt with "the ego has landed" written on it.
> He won't wear it,that was a joke.
> 2.If he is ignoring you at the party ask him LOUDLY isn't it near his bed time and tell him the young people want to listen to some loud music and he knows how that gives him a headache.
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> I do feel like a failure and not attractive enough. And I noticed that he has been asking if my girlfriend who invited us to her penthouse for a 4th party...was having a pool party. He was saying you know your friends will want to drool over me without my shirt on.
> 
> Then he said and of course the men will be staring at your boobies. But it's just so hard. I don't believe a word out of his mouth any more. I know he will be staring at women.
> 
> Fortunately there is no POOL party. But I bet he will try to take over all conversions at this party as he always does. And when I start to say hey why don't you include me in these conversations he will say we'll jump in there. It's not my fault that people like me.


So to add to all the red flags he is also a flirt, has a massive head and thinks he is Gods gift to women.Please tell me why you are with such an awful uncaring insensitive man. I wouldnt have given him a second look.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

Like someone else posted here -- I think I was drawn to him for many of the things that are hard for me to deal with now.

He's good looking, charming and is very energetic -- 

I didn't go for him because of his body though. Sure it's great that he's in shape but he's currently about 17 lbs heavier than when I met him. But he still looks great. But he is ALL into getting rid of that right now because it's summer pool party season.

But he probably spends more on clothes than I do -- I sometimes buy things at Target or Zara. He says both give him hives -- 

Again -- I think his appearance of being put together etc --- drew me to him. ANd now I"m so insecure that he will end up cheating or leaving me.... you are right.




Diana7 said:


> So to add to all the red flags he is also a flirt, has a massive head and thinks he is Gods gift to women.Please tell me why you are with such an awful uncaring insensitive man. I wouldnt have given him a second look.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> Thank you. This post makes me laugh. I like the idea of pointing out his age -- but he even uses that for him. He has said before -- can you believe how old I am? No one can -- everyone says the same thing-- that I look so young for my age.
> 
> God sometimes it takes these types of moments to realize just how weird this behavior is. I have NEVER told someone anything like this about myself. I never would.
> 
> ...


He is the sort of man who will cheat without a seconds guilt. Please dont marry this awful man. You will have a miserable unhappy life.:frown2::frown2: He is obsessed with how people look, and yet he has the most unattractive personality and character.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> He is the sort of man who will cheat without a seconds guilt. Please dont marry this awful man. You will have a miserable unhappy life.:frown2::frown2: He is obsessed with how people look, and yet he has the most unattractive personality and character.


He is a narcissist of the highest order.He is telling the op that she is not in his league looks wise,and he feels he is so charismatic that people,women especially are falling over themselves to be in his company.I agree with you @Diana7 he will cheat and then tell the op to get over it.She needs to dump his sorry ass but she seems brainwashed into believing his bs.
I see guys like this all the time in business,they are often small business owners with one or two employees who think the sun shines from his rear end.Eventually someone gets fed up with him flirting with his wife and a fight ensues or a sexual harassment case is filed by a disgruntled employee who he promised to leave his wife for but never does.
@flatorflush,he is a loser who has reached the last leg of his career as a player and can't accept it.Dont be his stand by girl who he always comes home to after everything else fails.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

flatorflush said:


> I don't know how to deal with this. I can be jealous of course but now I feel like I am OUT OF CONTROL. How do I believe that this is ok? I feel soinsecure and it's not a good look on me. I keep thinking of make overs etc. I need to help myself feel better!


Why is this even an issue for you? This man is toxic for your self-esteem and self-worth. Surely, at your age, you would know this?
You're not going to magically shrink back to your 20 or 30 year-old bod. You take care of yourself well enough now and as someone else pointed out, your BMI is pretty low for your height/weight.

The only weight you need to lose is him... particularly his fat head.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP is it possible he is trying to force you to break up with him? His comments are so incredibly insensitive I have to wonder if he's just trying to end the relationship. Many people do such a thing, sometimes unconsciously. They don't have the courage to end it themselves so they push until their partner snaps and does the dirty work and calls it quits. Then they can play the victim instead of the jerk.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

The issue is he absolutely thinks he is just perfect in what he says and that "I" am too sensitive.

This morning is a perfect example. I have work meetings at 11:30. I had a hair cut at 9:15 We only have one car. we planned this out last night. He would get up and go with me and then I would drop him at his work after my hair appointment.

He KNEW it was at 9:15. He got up this morning and was super late -- I got in the shower first after I could see he was on his phone (in bed) emailing people. I got out of the shower and said "you need to hurry". He said wow, what time is it? I said 8:45. We need to leave here in 15 minutes. He blew up and said that's not possible for me. NOT possible. He was angry -- got in the shower and said "you always do this to me". 

I said it's not my fault that you are late! He said you rush me, and then you make it all about you. NOTHING is ever your fault is it?

I said so you can't make it? He said absolutely not. NO chance and now I am going to be late for MY work meeting because your hair is more important.

I quietly walked out of the room and cancelled my appointment. I came back and in and told him that I had canceled. He said "WHAT?!" Obsenities. I said why???

He said there is NO communication with you--- THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM -- perfect example! He said he was hurrying so much and didn't even shave so he could try to make it and now I just CANCEL???? I said yes. YOu said you could not make it. SO I canceled. FOr you.

He said "always a game for you. the whole WORLD operates on YOUR time." "got it".

He said I should have come back in and realized that he was HURRYING to make it -- after telling meI had ruined his work morning and etc because my hair was more important.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? 



Cooper said:


> OP is it possible he is trying to force you to break up with him? His comments are so incredibly insensitive I have to wonder if he's just trying to end the relationship. Many people do such a thing, sometimes unconsciously. They don't have the courage to end it themselves so they push until their partner snaps and does the dirty work and calls it quits. Then they can play the victim instead of the jerk.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS?


Tell him to eff off.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

wild jade said:


> Tell him to eff off.


I knew eventually me and you would agree on something.Lol. @flatorflush he is just pushing your buttons and by the sound of things he knows exactly which ones to press.Everything is a problem,you can't do right for doing wrong @Cooper may have hit the nail on the head.Maybe he IS trying to break up or more to the point get you to break up with him so he isn't the bad guy in this.
You should give him his wish,he will soon realise that these young girls have no real interest in him and see him as an idiot who thinks he can attract twenty year olds.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> The issue is he absolutely thinks he is just perfect in what he says and that "I" am too sensitive.
> 
> This morning is a perfect example. I have work meetings at 11:30. I had a hair cut at 9:15 We only have one car. we planned this out last night. He would get up and go with me and then I would drop him at his work after my hair appointment.
> 
> ...


You deal with this by ending your relationship with this awful, uncaring, unloving insensitive jerk. I have no idea why you put up with him, he sounds terrible.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> You deal with this by ending your relationship with this awful, uncaring, unloving insensitive jerk. I have no idea why you put up with him, he sounds terrible.


Amen. 

The faster you move on the the faster you'll find a real man to take his place. 

Get a real man. You'll know next time.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

flatorflush said:


> The issue is he absolutely thinks he is just perfect in what he says and that "I" am too sensitive.
> 
> This morning is a perfect example. I have work meetings at 11:30. I had a hair cut at 9:15 We only have one car. we planned this out last night. He would get up and go with me and then I would drop him at his work after my hair appointment.
> 
> ...


Well the situation above you deal with by saying "I'm not your mother, it's not my job to get you out of bed and moving in the morning. Your procrastination will have no affect on my day, gotta go". And you go about your business, he can call Uber.

OP you need to look at the big picture, he is a vain narcissist, you will never make him happy and you will lose your confidence and identity trying. It's just is not worth it.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I'm the same body-wise as you, I think. 

I'm an inch shorter, at five foot eight inches, 120 pounds. If somebody (bf, gf) told me I was out of shape and needed a personal trainer, I would tell them to eat **** and die. Seriously.

Do not marry this guy, do not stay with him a moment longer. You know exactly how this is going to play out right now.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

My dear, you will have a life of living hell on earth if you marry this man (and i use that term loosely). He is a narcicisst bully. And a meathead. 

You should've taken the car when you realized he'd make you late for your meeting.

Break it off. It will NOT get better.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

Clearly I am not perfect. I think that's part of the reason why I have stayed so long. I blame myself. I feel guilty.

BUT - last night -- it was pretty clear what I need to do. 

Here's what happened.

He told me he is hiring assistants and told me plans to hire on looks. He wants a hot woman. I said REALLY --
He said yes, and if I had a problem with the line of women who will be coming to see him because it is the nature of his business. 

He owns a tennis club and MANY of his clients are housewives. He is right about that. 

But, said I should be to prepared to deal with it -- or leave. He said if I can't deal with him being around this -- then I need to walk away.

I started to cry and I said ok, I will remember you said that. He said GOOD remember this REMEMBER I WARNED YOU-with what you are doing.
]

I told him I remembered him telling me that his ex wife was jealous of his previous assistants and feeling insecure.

He said look me in the eyes. IF you repeat things enough you will get it. You are in a danger zone. She is my EX wife! She and I are divorced. And YOU are on the same path -- is that what you want?

I kept a stiff upper lip and told him I needed to work - and I would be fine. he said you and your 'work" -- you are an insecure person who sounds pretty stupid. I hope you know you are driving me away - you are doing this - you don't want to help me. 

You want to hold me back. If you wanted to help me - you would be sending me women/clients for my work.

He said that I need to realize that in order for him to succeed he needs to recruit women. lots of them. and if I have trouble realizing that I need to make him look hot for his website photos and videos, I am not the one. He said, And you want to MARRY Me? You are sick.

How would you feel if your SO told you that you are in danger zone and that you are following the path of his ex wife? And unless I change my ways and support him, I will end up the same way.



lucy999 said:


> My dear, you will have a life of living hell on earth if you marry this man (and i use that term loosely). He is a narcicisst bully. And a meathead.
> 
> You should've taken the car when you realized he'd make you late for your meeting.
> 
> Break it off. It will NOT get better.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Are you ready to walk away from him? Because after that, you should be. He's telling you exactly what's going to happen. Believe him. 

BTW, the nagging is going to get worse if you marry him. Much worse.

The problem isn't you. It's him. Run.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If you're looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror. This man seems to have been painfully clear on what he wants and how he will behave and you keep pretending you don't understand. How much clearer can he be? What exactly are you expecting to happen here?

Is there something more to this situation that you have shared? Are you financially dependent on him or something?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I agree with everyone here ... run, run, run and don't look back. Maybe tell him you're far too good for his asinine self on the way out--and do it with confidence and authority, because it's the truth. 

And in case you aren't already clear on this, let me state it in the most emphatic terms--5'9" and 133 lbs is a set of proportions most women, including young ones, would die for. You are a prime physical specimen for any age, let alone a woman of 41. 

Leave him... I guarantee you will turn heads elsewhere. Many of the heads you turn will actually have a mature, functioning brain in them... and be attached to a truly human heart. _You will do better._ *Far better!*


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You must be co dependent on him. You don't have your own car? You don't have your own place? 

Time to find a place first and then get your own car. Take the ring and pawn it and start your life over. Good grief, you are not in a relationship worth saving.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Geez hun, do you really need us to tell you he's scum to you? 

He spoke his truth, believe it. He's going to hire hot women and it just won't sit well with you, ever. 

Call his bluff and I hope you don't feel an ounce of guilt for it. Leave him and don't look back. He is an emotionally draining, demeaning, soul sucker.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Everyone here can see what you need to do. He is a very immature, arrogant, uncaring man. Thank goodness you are not married. Its easy to see why he isn't married. Ugh, he makes me want to cringe, he is so awful.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Why did you "keep a stiff upper lip"? 

Why did you not leave the room, pack your bags, and go right then?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> I told him I remembered him telling me that his ex wife was jealous of his previous assistants and feeling insecure.
> 
> He said look me in the eyes. IF you repeat things enough you will get it. You are in a danger zone. She is my EX wife! She and I are divorced. And YOU are on the same path -- is that what you want?


OP, this goes way beyond a personality or character flaw. This is coercion. 

This suggests your fiance thinks of you as conditionally disposable, based upon your performance of drawing many clients to his business, and giving off airs of his "hotness". 

This relationship doesn't sound like love... it sounds like a very unhealthy employer-employee business relationship... where termination is always looming over the employee's shoulder.

If you want a happy marriage, you need to ditch this guy right away and look for someone who cares about your opinion, and doesn't use emotional and verbal abuse as a mode of persuasion. 

I wager if you stay with this man, it will end up being the biggest regret of your life! Don't let that happen. Leave.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

It's hard to leave but last night it all came crashing down. e kind of hit rock bottom. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about some of the things he said


It started because he saw that I had started to write this post. He didn't see what it was about. He just knew I was about to blog. He told me that people tell me what I want to hear when I come here, and they don't know that he's simply fed up with my ****.

In the end, here are some things I was telling him that I felt very insecure our relationship right now and that he will eventually leave me because he doesn't seem very happy. I gave him the example, that he will often just come up to me grab flab around my stomach (i'm size 4 btw) and say "what is this? what is this babe?" He says it joking but it makes me feel like ****. He said that just a "LOVE grab". 

As I mentioned here, He also suggested i work out with a personal trainer, and I said fine -- get that for my bday then?

He said, he can't afford that -- I can go pay for MY OWN personal trainer. Again, I was like WTF -- and he went on to say he is not happy with all the arguing and I should simply stop questioning him.

He said I am too thin. Not fat. Too thin and I need to eat more and train more.

He said why do you think I came back when we broke up?

I said, at this point, probably cause you couldn't find anyone better. He sarcastically said "really -- ahhh no." I immediately went to leave. I couldn't believe he reacted that way. I had a couple glasses of wine, and I was ready to leave. He stopped me and told me not to leave. He didn't want that.

I started to sob. He said you think I want this in my life? This crying -- you looking like this? That made me cry harder.

He said he came back to me because he "loved the IDEA of ME and the person he FELL IN LOVE WITH" but it doesn't seem that I am that person right now.

I was very very hurt. I started to leave again. I said you don't want me. You came back to the "IDEA of me"? He said he loves me and he 'thinks' that i'm the same person he fell in love with, but when i argue and get upset - he's not sure.

Then to calm me down he said I guess if you want to leave I'll have to send you your bday present. Then he showed me a picture of a puppy that we are supposed to pick up Sunday that he bought me for my birthday. He said now you just ruined the surprise.

He held onto me and told me he loved me very much and he wouldn't be getting a puppy if he had plans to leave me. He said he just wanted to make me happy. He says the problem is I seem upset and not as happy and grateful to be with him as I used to be in the beginning.


Am I the problem here?? That's how I feel even more so Noe.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

This guy is a narcissistic, manipulative jerk. Listen to your instincts and leave.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh my word hun, he is unstable as anything. A person who truly loves you does not punish you and then say "just kidding." 

Dump him and get your own puppy.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

When I initially read the title of your post, I thought that my answer would be "no, I wouldn't be offended". Them, I read your post…

I'm really sorry, but your fiance sounds like a very inconsiderate "man" who cares more about looks than about the feelings that he may be hurting. If I were you, I would be seriously offended, probably enough so to give him back the engagement ring. You and I weigh pretty much the same (I'm 131), the only difference is that you have a few inches on me (I'm almost 5' 3"). Sure I'd like to slim down a little and gain a few more muscles, but for most part, I'm healthy, like you. And, I also run and walk regularly.

If you don't have the extra money to put into a personal trainer, don't. If it were me, I would sit down with that fiance of yours and have a heart to heart about how his comments and comparing you to other gym women hurts and offends you.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Who cares whether or not he has plans to leave you? You should plan to leave him. Ugh. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

At this point, go, fast. You're better off on your own, as this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

With your every post, this guy sounds like an even bigger *******! Imagine as he ages more. His whole world will crumble because all he values are looks. And as you age, no matter how well you take care of yourself, he will never be satisfied. He is manipulative and abusive. Leave before he destroys your self esteem any further.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

flatorflush said:


> He held onto me and told me he loved me very much and he wouldn't be getting a puppy if he had plans to leave me. He said he just wanted to make me happy. He says *the problem is I seem upset and not as happy and grateful to be with him *as I used to be in the beginning.
> 
> Am I the problem here??


Well, yeah ... you ARE THE problem if you keep listening to his manipulative crap. See how he turned this around on you????

So you are supposed to be "grateful" to be with this stud, right? Run far and run fast. You are coming from a position of weakness, along with no self esteem. "Love" like his you don't need. This guy is a L-O-S-E-R. This relationship is toxic for you on so many levels. Please see it for what it is and get the hell out of there NOW.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

23 year old me is seething in his misogyny as your posts are proving to him that women love jerks.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> It's hard to leave but last night it all came crashing down. e kind of hit rock bottom. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about some of the things he said
> 
> 
> It started because he saw that I had started to write this post. He didn't see what it was about. He just knew I was about to blog. He told me that people tell me what I want to hear when I come here, and they don't know that he's simply fed up with my ****.
> ...


Please dont bring a puppy into this awful situation. Its a big responsibility and not what you need right now. 
We have all told you what the problem is, and it's him. He isn't a nice man, he acts very badly towards you and then blames you for being upset. 

To be honest I am getting tired of telling you to leave, you clearly are taking no notice if what any of us have said here. 

You have a choice, stay and be miserable, or leave and have peace and hopefully find a good kind man, not a horrible one. 

Its sad that your fear of being alone is overriding your common sense.I would rather be alone than spend 2 minutes with a horrible man like that.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

dawnabon said:


> Who cares whether or not he has plans to leave you? You should plan to leave him. Ugh.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


And take your birthday pup with you. I wouldn't let this filth raise a dog.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

I know. I know objectively that's an easy decision. It's tough though I am getting the courage. After being told that he loves the idea of me and he isn't quite sure I am the person he fell in love with...I am hurting. 

"You think I love THIS?" He points to me as I'm crying. 

Wow. It all just HURTS. 

I will miss him
I will miss the way he holds me at night. 

I will miss waking up to him telling me how much he loves me and wants to take care of me. 

WHY does he have to be 2 different people?? I am going to miss so much.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Just realize the feelings will be that you miss being with someone. But it is better to be alone than with him.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

flatorflush said:


> I know. I know objectively that's an easy decision. It's tough though I am getting the courage. After being told that he loves the idea of me and he isn't quite sure I am the person he fell in love with...I am hurting.
> 
> "You think I love THIS?" He points to me as I'm crying.
> 
> ...


Honey I was so scared of being alone that I hung onto a dead marriage where I was being cheated on and lied to. My husband moved out and I'm so much happier. Ypu might be surprised at how good it feels to be alone. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> It's hard to leave but last night it all came crashing down. e kind of hit rock bottom. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about some of the things he said
> 
> 
> It started because he saw that I had started to write this post. He didn't see what it was about. He just knew I was about to blog. He told me that people tell me what I want to hear when I come here, and they don't know that he's simply fed up with my ****.
> ...


You fiance is a douche.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

flatorflush said:


> I know. I know objectively that's an easy decision. It's tough though I am getting the courage. After being told that he loves the idea of me and he isn't quite sure I am the person he fell in love with...I am hurting.
> 
> "You think I love THIS?" He points to me as I'm crying.
> 
> ...


I honestly think your boyfriend has mental health issues.Every time you add something to the story I become more convinced of this and I am also concerned about your own state of mind.He is slowly convincing you that you are worthless and you don't deserve him.He is right you don't deserve him,you deserve a kind loyal man who doesn't take pleasure in making you cry.
It's pointless telling you to leave him because you have to make that decision yourself but he needs psychological evaluation and he is never going to get it voluntarily.


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## flatorflush (Jul 1, 2017)

I am not 100 percent dependent on him. Which makes the fact that I'm still with him quite embarrassing for this thread. 


The interesting thing is I feel the pain of this but then the next day when he is sweet or generous I go back to blaming myself. 

He says the reason he suggested personal trainer is because I need healthy habit daily. Says not about my body (yeah right). After saying I'm too thin? 

But said the fact that I drink 2 glasses of wine a night is worrisome to him. He says that's why we fight. Because I'm an alcoholic now. 

He says fights start with alcohol. But that is honestly not true. Fight the other night. I had a glass of wine poured. I had 2 sips so far through dinner. He started being difficult and he said "see. You are arguing because of wine". 

That's not the case. These fights start because I react to him being rude. I do believe I take more and swallow it...when I have no alcohol. But when I have wine I voice my opinion more. Which of course, he hates. 

I found out during a fight the other night he texted his son who is 17. And told him not to come over because I was drunk and on a rampage. And that boy told his mother. And he told his Ex the same thing! 

I am now seeing he tells people very bad things about me to place the blame on me. And that makes me feel less confident. He will tell the whole world ...it's ALL me.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Your fiance is an abuser and a loser. He can't even afford a personal trainer. Go find a guy who will treat you right and give you the world.

Give it back to him. Put him down that he doesn't have enough money... You'll go find a guy who has money to buy anything you want. He has a good body but not wealth. He'll lose his mind. Hopefully you'll have the fight that ends it all!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Weirdo, we keep telling you to leave this guy. It gets worse all the time.


bye


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