# How can I get my interest back



## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

Ive been married 1 year but with my husband 3 years before that , I have completely gone off all physical contact (admittedly going through a funny patch because of me just being a moody arse for no good reason) , I do love my husband and I do find him attractive , again there are something's that out me off a lot but that's all being discussed in another thread so I won't bring it up here too. 

I just have no interest to even kiss him and cuddle him, I show no affection whatsoever , I used to a lot and I can't really say it's because we now have kids because I had a child before I met him.

I know it bothers him because he tells me honestly it bothers him, we have sex maybe a couple of times a year, he doesn't pressure me for it, we've tried to spice it up bit very quickly I loose interest again.

Relationships are all about give and take. He has said he would be happy even once a month but I can't even be bothered to do that. I'm ruining this marriage in so many ways , I've had a string of bad relationships in the past but now I've someone good I seem to just be destroying it.

How can I get things back on track in the bedroom, I know it's easy to say just do it but it all just seems such a chore for me, I've never really had interest in it.


----------



## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

It sounds like both you and H have sexual issues.
Obviously you are low desire, but the fact you came here and posted suggests you want to work on this issue. I don't see why your basically low level of desire should stop you from just having sex. Be like the Nike commercial and Just Do It. Google for responsive desire because I suspect this is totally you. That is good news because your LD does not need to be an obstacle to a mutually satisfying sex life.

Your H also has sexual hangups. He is far too passive about initiating sex! In fact, his just-wait-for-it approach could contribute and worsen your natural LD state. He too needs to Just Do It, as in he needs to approach you regularly and passionately with a good attitude and just embrace you firmly and make it clear he NEEDS sex with you before he explodes. I bet if he did that, your LD would not be such a problem.

Here is something that might help you both: schedule sex. Don't laugh it's not as pathetic as it sounds. It could be exactly the thing to get you both back on track.


----------



## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

He used to initiate it all the time I always just make an excuse to say no. I just have no general interest in it, I don't know why because he is really good, he satisfies me and once we kind of get going I'm ok but the general idea of starting and everything I just think I can't be arsed, I don't see the point in doing it. But I also know he has needs too but you also need a physical relationship and I want to get that passion back I just don't know how .


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Wife1985 said*: * I've had a string of bad relationships in the past* but now I've someone good I seem to just be destroying it.


It sounds due to these prior hurtful experiences with other men...your husband , a good man, is now getting the fall out due to how this has affected you emotionally... do you feel this is true?? 

Was it that you felt the prior men just wanted SEX..you didn't feel LOVED, deeply cared for, maybe they were abusive even in other ways.... so this has carried over, you haven't completely washed these ugly experiences from your psyche in regards to men in general....even though your husband is nothing like THOSE OTHER MEN...you struggle with this??

I am thinking your husband has the patience of JOB ...dealing with this , which has become a "sexless marriage".. (Sex therapists call less than 10 times a year.)



> *He used to initiate it all the time I always just make an excuse to say no. I just have no general interest in it. *


Please KNOW what you are doing to him as a man.. he is suffering deeply... he doesn't feel loved...with all the rejection you have laid at his feet.. of course he is going to stop initiating, who wants to be met with that... it slices a piece of his soul every time he puts himself out there - to have the one who promised to love & cherish you push you away... 

Intimacy is the life blood of a healthy marriage.. it sounds you do not even want TOUCHED BY your husband.. so affection is being denied him also ?..and to yourself.. 

You sound NUMB...possibly depressed....a higher sex drive or desire can not be willed.. unfortunately.. but sometimes we just need a change of mindset ...to try new things to see if they lead to a spark.. 

Are you attracted to him physically ? 

Does the *urge *to make love EVER come over you ?..from something you have watched on TV...a tingle.. a longing.. to reading a Romance novel.. 

Did you always feel similar to this.. or was there a change / a shift after the experiences with other men?


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Apparently she is waiting for her husband to have an affair or initiate divorce proceeding to take action, (which would apparently validate her view that she does not deserve him and that men are inherently bad). 

There are plenty of things people do in marriage because it makes the other person feel better. Husbands go on beach vacations though many would like other things, they go to kid's soccer games and wives' work functions. I am sure you can have relations, throw in a couple of oohs, ahs, and yeses, and you have a happy husband. Why you don't do this does not make a lot of sense to us, or I am sure to your husband. 

Contrary to popular relief, a lot of women have reduced drives after married. If a husband passes away after 20-40 years of marriage, a whole lot of women never have sex again, but during their marriages, they realized that this was an integral part of a good marriage. 

There are a whole lot of men who complain about infrequent sex, not too many about how its being done. Most men are modest and happy if their wives make the effort and why they don't in happy marriages is a mystery.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

First, are you on any hormonal contraceptives, including IUD? - for some women the side effect is killed libido (I guess they work too well, lol)

Do 30 days challenge and see what happens. (having sex every day for a month). Talk to him about it, and agree together, and stick to it, no matter how you feel. You know what they say, organs that are not used, disappear....

To help get you in the mood - try vibrating egg with remote control. Put it in couple hours before you think you will have sex, and just go around do your usuall stuff around the house, while playing with th remote, and changing vibration at your will. If this works for you, you may spice it up by passing the remote to your husband, who will turn it on and off at his will...... 
Damn, it works for me already...


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I read your other thread. I think you should link it to this because those details are vital here.

Welcome to adulthood! Things don't work out the way we planned, wanted or expected. We can't control some things in life but we can control how we respond to these things.

You and your husband are in financial dire straights and instead of working together, you, yes YOU, are punishing him for this circumstance.

The ONLY thing different now is that your husband has lost his job. He always smoked and until recently it didn't bother you enough to make you not want to be near him. He could also shower and brush his teeth before he gets near you for sex but you won't allow that either.

If you want to save your marriage, and it sounds like your H is a good guy and deserves your loyalty, you're going to have to own how you are punishing him for something out of his control, lost job. Next step is to fake it till you make it. He can use a strong smelling soap and wash his hands after smoking, he could shower before bed and brush his teeth and the lingering scent will be faint. He could wear cologne... He could do a number of things but you HAVE to accept them and behave as if you want him sexually.

Be honest with yourself. You're going through a very difficult time right now. You both are. But he is hurting too. So put on your big girl panties, be honest, and work together without punishing each other!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WandaJ said:


> First, are you on any hormonal contraceptives, including IUD? - for some women the side effect is killed libido (I guess they work too well, lol)


I do not understand why anyone would opt for a hormonal IUD (unless she just hates getting a period -I hear they take it away)....

PARAGARD® the copper IUD  is far superior so I feel -it can stay in for over 10 yrs, *NO HORMONES*... libido in tact.. I love mine.. 

It's true.. and it should come with a warning.. hormonal birth control can do a # on some women (not all)...which has led to many suffering husbands....even divorces over sex. 

There has been a few threads here, where the woman stopped taking it (the pill generally ) and WOW.. she suddenly wanted sex all the time and felt so bad for what she put her husband through for 10 long years rejecting him.. 

IF you google Mirena and sex drive.. you will find a slew of articles /women who have been affected just like this. I found one where she said she almost felt suicidal 3 weeks after having it put in.... why these things don't come with warning labels...well.. they should!.. just a sample....

Anyone using the Mirena IUD have a low sex drive? Mine is ...

Loss of Sex Drive On Mirena Coil - Birth Control Forum - 

IUD Divas - Return of libido after Mirena removal?


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Simplyamorus, - the hormonal contraceptives work great for majority women. Most of my friends are on Mirena and happy, and I was the only one with killed libido.

ParaGuard causes heavy and painful menstruation for high percentage of women. Glad it worked for you.

Now, let's give thread back to OP


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WandaJ said:


> Simplyamorus, - the hormonal contraceptives work great for majority women. Most of my friends are on Mirena and happy, and I was the only one with killed libido.
> 
> ParaGuard causes heavy and painful menstruation for high percentage of women. Glad it worked for you.
> 
> Now, let's give thread back to OP


Just saying.. it sounds a culprit for her.. I had a friend who couldn't get the Copper, it expelled but yeah.. It has worked like a charm for me, not one issue in the last 8 yrs... If a birth control is killing a sex drive, it needs changed..as it will slowly drown passion, intimacy ...then the marriage...this needs to be taken into consideration, on her list of..

"What can I do to help this situation"....


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

But she didn't answer this question, or did I miss it? We do not know if this is an issue at this point.


----------



## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

Sorry been at the hospital all afternoon only just got back.

I'm not on anything to disrupt my hormones so I know it's not that,

He stopped initiating purely because he said he didn't want me to feel pressured and so he would let me initiate when I felt the desire.

Pretty much every relationship I have been in the man has only ever been interested in sex , even long relationships they only rally paid me attention when they were after some. Most of them were also cheating behind my back.

My husband although he thinks he does doesn't actually show affection he is just very grabby, so I will try to show him affection by giving him a cuddle or something but with in seconds there is either a hand up my top or some joke about getting naked and it just puts me off straight away.

I'm sexually attracted to him , he is gorgeous, he towers over me at 6' 2" with naturally tanned skin and dark hair (reminds me of superman lol) 

I do initiate sex from time to time and we go through the odd spell of where it is quite regular then all of a sudden it just goes and I can't be bothered and before you know it 6 odd months have passed.

He shouldn't be affected because of everything that has gone on in the past but I just don't know how to light that fire cracker up my bum, 

Us both being at home with three kids and never a night off doesn't help try to find time to rekindle it either.

I want to make things right for him.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Then talk to him, that you do need longer foreplay, and that these comments kill your mood.

and I really recommend that egg


----------



## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Then talk to him, that you do need longer foreplay, and that these comments kill your mood.
> 
> and I really recommend that egg


Lol we have one of those, spent about £50 on a variety of things, never been used lol


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Wife1985
His is probably so frustrated and horny that non-sexual intimacy just causes frustration. Imagine being starving and having your partner complain that you don't take your time over dinner but just wolf down your food.

The good news is that you can fix this. Have sex with him regularly and you may well find that other sorts of intimacy become possible as well. When he is no longer starved, that long candlelit dinner will be fun for both of you.




Wife1985 said:


> Sorry been at the hospital all afternoon only just got back.
> 
> I'm not on anything to disrupt my hormones so I know it's not that,
> 
> ...


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Wife1985 said:


> Lol we have one of those, spent about £50 on a variety of things, never been used lol


That's the problem, lol!

start with egg, do not tell him the first time, see if it does anything for you at all. If it works, you will finish all your evening chores in half time. Put it in around two hours before kids go to bed, and enjoy it...


----------



## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> That's the problem, lol!
> 
> start with egg, do not tell him the first time, see if it does anything for you at all. If it works, you will finish all your evening chores in half time. Put it in around two hours before kids go to bed, and enjoy it...


I shall give that a go


----------



## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Wife1985
> His is probably so frustrated and horny that non-sexual intimacy just causes frustration. Imagine being starving and having your partner complain that you don't take your time over dinner but just wolf down your food.
> 
> The good news is that you can fix this. Have sex with him regularly and you may well find that other sorts of intimacy become possible as well. When he is no longer starved, that long candlelit dinner will be fun for both of you.


I am willing to try anything, I may not enjoy it but I want to and I want to enjoy it with him an no one else


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are going to lose your husband and your marriage will end (in time).

If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Wife1985 said:


> I shall give that a go


Curious to hear if it made any difference


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Wife1985 said:


> Ive been married 1 year but with my husband 3 years before that , I have completely gone off all physical contact (admittedly going through a funny patch because of me just being a moody arse for no good reason) , I do love my husband and I do find him attractive , again there are something's that out me off a lot but that's all being discussed in another thread so I won't bring it up here too.
> 
> I just have no interest to even kiss him and cuddle him, I show no affection whatsoever , I used to a lot and I can't really say it's because we now have kids because I had a child before I met him.
> 
> ...


sounds like a horrible marriage. Hope you like the divorce. He has already checked out. so sad


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Wife1985 said:


> He used to initiate it all the time I always just make an excuse to say no .


yeah he stopped asking and found a lover by now, in most likliehood. why do spouses treat sexual abuse/withholding with such a cavalier attitude?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Wife,

If it's true that you are willing to try anything, than try this.

Tell him to completely stop:
- Groping you 
- Abruptly turning non sexual affection into grabbing you sexually
- Talking about getting naked before you are even a little warmed up

AND show him the spots you LIKE being touched even when you aren't yet turned on.

With M2: 
- Lightly scratching back of her neck
- Rubbing her back and then gradually rubbing lower to touch the area her back curves into her a$$
- Outside of her thighs

Then maybe lying on top with one leg between her legs, kissing. My leg isn't grinding her though, just pressed against her. 

10 or so minutes of this and then she is pulling at me. But I let that happen as fast or slow as it does. I'm not in a rush, and not rushing her at all. 

I never touch her breasts til she is hot. Don't touch nipples or down below until she is super hot. 

And I don't say anything sexual until she is close to having an orgasm. 

Pacing is every bit as important as technique. Maybe more so. 

-----
Your man is big and strong. Wrestle with him on the bed. Don't let him grope you - but DO let him overpower you, ion you, show you his strength. THAT will slowly turn you on....,




Wife1985 said:


> I am willing to try anything, I may not enjoy it but I want to and I want to enjoy it with him an no one else


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wife1985 said:


> My husband although he thinks he does doesn't actually show affection he is just *very grabby,* so I will try to show him affection by giving him a cuddle or something but *with in seconds there is either a hand up my top* or some joke about getting naked and it just puts me off straight away.


He moves too fast for you. It pressures you to go from a 1 arousal state to a 6 arousal state.

Men should NOT touch certain areas of her body until her arousal level has reached at least a 5. Now some of us walk around all day at a 5 but most women, particularly women who are stressed out at that moment, will go into the negatives of arousal if the touching has proceeded too quickly.

Wife1985, you should read this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/226290-all-hd-folks-out-there.html

There are several posts that help explain this. 

Work on learning to de-stress yourself and communicate to your husband how he can be more effective in helping you become more aroused. Make sure he understand you need lots of NONsexual affection before any sexual affection feels good.

As MEM puts it so perfectly, touching me there while I'm aroused feels good. But touching me there when I'm not aroused feels icky!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MEM, I didn't see your post when I began mine. You say it best anyway.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AP,
Not at all. You hit it just right. 

I absolutely believe that many, many HD spouses rush their LD partners. 

And the reason for that is simple. During the honeymoon phase (first 1-2 years of sex) the LD spouse starts out aroused. Everything is new and that in itself is a turn on. 

When that phase ends, this whole pacing/patience thing becomes enormously important. 

And part of that pacing is managing how you (the HD) partner express your desire. 

I don't pant, or moan or grind on M2 until she has caught up to me and is as turned on as I am. 




Anon Pink said:


> MEM, I didn't see your post when I began mine. You say it best anyway.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Its one of the classic LD/HD problems.

The HD partner is so horny / frustrated that they have difficulty taking time with all the gentle touches that lead to foreplay that lead to sex. The frustration is especially bad if they have found in the past that most of the time the get as far as foreplay, get desperately aroused - and then are turned down anyway.

The LD partner is turned off by the HD partner who is trying to rush things, so they often don't want sex. 

The loop just builds on itself. 

A few days of frequent sex may break the pattern.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

how about trying
Porn--erotic stories
Porn--online movies
Chat rooms--online sex chatting to see if you can get horny
Cam room--watching other men or women in semi-private sex acts
Sexting hubby at work--both texts and pictures
Sending each other erotic music videos, stories, poems, pictures
The two of you take a trip to lingerie store...he pics out, you try on for size, then rush home to really try it out (wink wink nudge nudge)


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

This isn't about sex it's about anger. And shame. Examine that.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

anger comes from a hubby denied sex for no good medical reason. Shame, if she has it, is from finally realizing the permanent damage done to the marriage because of the denial. The SEX is the fundamental root of the problem, the first two are just consequences of the No-Sex.


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm inclined to agree with this, or at least that a relational ("not technique") aspect is heavily involved. Please consider a counselor. 

Good luck
-seahorse



Runs like Dog said:


> This isn't about sex it's about anger. And shame. Examine that.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

All these "foreplay" advice is clearly coming from people who have never been sexually starved. He is "grabby" because he is sexually starved. Give him sex regularly and he won't be. 

Also, wife is punishing him for her own reasons and she doesn't even know why. She is taking it out on him. To be honest, I'm surprised he is still there. 

You starve a man sexually and then you wonder why the marriage is not that great. Put some effort in. You say you love him. Obviously, not that way. So, set him free or allow him to have sex outside the marriage. This is emotional abuse.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> All these "foreplay" advice is clearly coming from people who have never been sexually starved. He is "grabby" because he is sexually starved. Give him sex regularly and he won't be.
> 
> Also, wife is punishing him for her own reasons and she doesn't even know why. She is taking it out on him. To be honest, I'm surprised he is still there.
> 
> You starve a man sexually and then you wonder why the marriage is not that great. Put some effort in. You say you love him. Obviously, not that way. So, set him free or allow him to have sex outside the marriage. This is emotional abuse.



Very well put.

What is Grabby for some could simply be the process of determining interest, considering that verbal communication about such things is likely as shut down as Internet access in North Korea... There is a cognitive "hands on" model (pun not intended) that is engrained on all of us that can't be easily undone. That's why so much of successful sexual communication is done at a very low, almost instinctual level as opposed to lengthy board room negotiations. Sex is sex. That's the whole point of building a good and healthy intimate relationship so that such signals are established, used, and expanded.

Now I'm not talking crude grabs but stuff that most same and healthy people recognize as either preludes to intimacy or communications completely unrelated to intimacy. At the end it's all communications.

OP needs to look deep in her ow self and recognize / deal with issues present and past before thinking about external relationships and communications.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Bobby5000 said:


> Apparently she is waiting for her husband to have an affair or initiate divorce proceeding to take action, (which would apparently validate her view that she does not deserve him and that men are inherently bad).
> .


i was wondering exactly the same thing. A subconscious move to drive the husband away for good.

OP, have you talked with a psychiatrist? this destructive behavior must spill over into all parts of your life. You can not be happy living this way.

First, get on your knees and beg your husband for some time. Tell him you have an appointment with a shrink, and you WANT to change the way you are interacting with him. A BJ right then and there for him would be a good start too!


----------

