# Motherlload of all triggers- please help



## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

This is my very first post. Like many of you, I never thought I'd end up here, Been married for almost 12 years, and then I was blindsided by my husband's emotional affair. He says he's since my discovery, ended all contact with her. And I'm still undecided what I want to do as far as stay or not. I am full of rage, and am not handling any of this well at all. I do love my husband, but I don't trust him and I don't know what to do. Here's where the trigger part fits in. A) The OW lives literally 150 feet from my husband's employment B) The OW is a licensed therapist C) This waste of skin's last name is actually.. LOVE! yes, seriously. D)We attend the same church. How in the world do I get past all that??? We have been to a therapist that we trust from our church, and she mentioned that there's 4 other coupes that are seeing her because of this woman! This is insane!! I can't eat, sleep and am barely functioning. Everywhere I go..non-stop triggers..Even him telling me he, "Loves" me is like a knife in my heart.. this is brutal.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

It sounds to me like someone needs to report this woman to the licensing board.... yesterday. I think that you should, also, inform the church of her actions. So, do that now, whether your husband wants you to or not. This is abuse of power of some of the worst kind. Individuals are very susceptible to what a therapist tells them, whether they are their personal therapist or not.

I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this. Find a qualified therapist, give yourself some time and make your decisions based on what is best for you and your loved ones. Good luck.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you, "Empty" for replying. I did make my husband go talk to our pastor (I was there also) and he confessed to the affair. And thank you also for your suggestion on reporting her. The first thing that pops in my head if I do that is- Am I setting them up for more contact as soon as she finds out? Obviously she'll know I turned her in. Should I even be concerned about that? Gosh this is so nuts..


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

pugnacious said:


> Thank you, "Empty" for replying. I did make my husband go talk to our pastor (I was there also) and he confessed to the affair. And thank you also for your suggestion on reporting her. The first thing that pops in my head if I do that is- Am I setting them up for more contact as soon as she finds out? Obviously she'll know I turned her in. Should I even be concerned about that? Gosh this is so nuts..


Out her to everyone. EVERYONE.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

So this is at least her 5th married man that she has had an affair with - YOUR married man and she lives by his work and goes to your church? I would not hesitate to expose her AT ALL! Your husband screwed up, so if it gets out, so be it, but she is a threat for sure.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you Monroe.  Point taken.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How will she know you turned her in? I thought there were 4 other couples experiencing the same thing?

Anyway, as far as getting past things between you and your hubby - there are several things he NEEDS to do. Here's some for starters.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ded-rebuild-trust-dss-honesty.html#post208407

Do some reading around the forum. There are a ton of great links in peoples sigs with great info.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Yes, Looking... I'm betting that 5 is only the tip of the iceberg. It just kills me that there's probably so many more out there like me. She's a real piece of work


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Hope, excellent point. (my brain isn't exactly thinking cearly.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Have any of you ever heard similar stories as far as a therapist being like this. (And start the "Dr. Love" jokes now, I aready have...) lol


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you considered finding a new church? I know that's a big deal if you like your church and are members of the community, but maybe for the health of your marriage and your sanity, you would be able to find somewhere you feel more comfortable.

I just can't imagine going to church with the OW each week.

Also, would it be possible for your husband to find another job somewhere else? Would that make you feel more comfortable? If so, ask him to do it. 

In the end, though, your main issue is with him. HE was the one who owed you fidelity, and HE was the one who chose differently. In time, you can work through this if you want to, and you don't have to decide now. But focus on HIM and your relationship, not the OW as it is your H who is more important in this scenario. OW, as vile as she is, could have been anyone who paid attention to him, so she is more or less irrelevant.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Norajane, yes we've discussed finding a different church. And half the time I want to more than anything. But then I feel like she somehow wins if she drives us away. Probably jacked up thinking on my part. 

I have aso mentioned that I'm not comfortable with her living so close to his job, and he agrees that he needs to "get his resume out there", but I've seen maybe 6 go out. I do understand with the economy so messed up that it's not going to be an easy process.

And you're so right that it could have been anyone. I've thought about that quite often. I am trying so hard to keep the focus on him and his actions, but sometimes it hits me and I feel like I'm brought right back to square one. The betraya, pain, anger...etc comes flooding back in. 

I know that no matter what, I'm strong enough to get past this, with or without him. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage, and they woud be completly devastated. Neither of them have a clue any of this is happening. (the power of a protective Momma)...but gosh, this is the harderst thing I've had to face yet.


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

i am sorry your going through this, but i believe

she will continue this abuse until she is outted to the church and community and i agree with the other poster to report her to the licensing board


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think you should approach your pastor - if what she's doing is affecting other church members then your pastor should be willing to take this 'therapist' aside and suggest that she leave the congregation. Also, if she is publicly shamed, maybe she'll move.

OUT her. I see no down side to outing her publicly, especially if your pastor would back you up. Maybe your pastor would even do it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You anger and upset are very normal so do not beat yourself up for that.

If she is licensed I would report her and do it now. If she tries to contact your husband get a restraining order. Should not be hard to do and should cost to much to get it done.

The triggers and angers will lessen with time. When I first found out about my wifes affair and the details. I could not look at a hotel with out a large amount of rage. Have you seen a Dr about your health? Are you sleeping, eating OK? 

I neglected myself at first and it cost me.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She knew what she was doing all along---has taken advantage of her position, and knowledge,

you find the other betrayed wives, and join together in a lawsuit for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---that will shut her down very quickly---also go to the state board that governs her licensing, and get her licensce yanked.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Hope, we did speak with our pastor. I doubt he knows of the others though. I'll make it a point to inform him, and that if he has any doubts, (imagining myself coming across as the neurotic angry wife) then I'll ask him to speak with our "appropriate" therapist.
Thank you guys so much for your advice. Seriously, you have no idea how alone this has made me feel.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

I'm in tears now.. just knowing that others can relate is such an incredible feeling. For the longest time I've been trying to keep it together for my children. To somehow shield them whie I try to make sense of it all. You all are such a blessing and I'm grateful. Thank you!!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I wish you could manage to get a hold on the others 4 BWs outhere, maybe together you could set up a plan to get this woman out of the profession and county/state, albeit I understand is rare to agree in the best course of action.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Acabado, I do have a few suspicions as to who a few of the couples may be. I guess I'm trying to imagine me building the juevos up to walk up and ask, "so... you too?" But I can tolerate an awkward situation and conversation. Also, I'm checking the state's licencing board pages right now. I'm determined to stop her before she does any more harm. Of course, my spouse is just as guilty and I can't just blame her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your spouse has some work to do.

Perhaps HIM doing the legwork to find the other couples is appropriate?? HE should be the one to have to build up the balls to go and ask other men if they did the same thing as him.


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

pugnacious said:


> Acabado, I do have a few suspicions as to who a few of the couples may be. I guess I'm trying to imagine me building the juevos up to walk up and ask, "so... you too?" But I can tolerate an awkward situation and conversation. Also, I'm checking the state's licencing board pages right now. I'm determined to stop her before she does any more harm. Of course, my spouse is just as guilty and I can't just blame her.




good! you gotta stop her .. in my eyes this is the same as a priest molesting kids she is in the same position as a priest would be ..


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

You are so right, viggling! She's a predator. And EXCELLENT idea Hope!! I didn't bring us here, He did. He should have to do the dirty work and be accountable, as well as the the other swine.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Although I understand there are confidentiality issues here, I think Pastoral Counselor (I asume same church) should inform Pastor about this predator. She's destroying many marriages at their church, for heavens sake. She's cancer.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Absolutely agree 100%, Acabado. It's so funny, (not ha ha) that when something like this happens. All reasoning and logic goes out the window and shame, reclusiveness and doubt all floods in instead.

I feel like an idiot that some of the suggestions had never occured to me until I read them here. I guess that I've been internalizing it all. Just assuming that I wasn't as valuable because I'm a stay at home Mom, instead of a "Dr". I do know that my self esteem is nil since all of this and I suppose in a sick twisted way, I rationalized that I deserved it. I know I don't, but it's so easy to, "go there". And while what they did is disgusting, sadly it's us that has to pay the biggest price.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There are a LOT of things that newly betrayed BS's don't think about or just plain forget. I remember in the early days forgetting my way to work - I'd driven there every day for over 15 years. Coming up with any NEW ideas would have been totally and completely impossible - my brain just had shut down.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I agree that she should be reported to a licensing board...if she's licensed. An astonishing number of counselors aren't.

Or how about the Better Business Bureau?  I'm actually not kidding!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't know about reporting her. What are you reporting her for, exactly?

Unless she's having relationships with her patients, would the licensing board have any right to do anything about her license if she's having an Emotional Affair with some random person? Lots of people don't even think EA's are a thing, just overly friendly and hard to prove.

I'm not saying that she's not messed up, but I don't think the board can do anything to her. She can be quite competent at therapy while still being a menace to susceptible married men.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

pugnacious said:


> Thank you, "Empty" for replying. I did make my husband go talk to our pastor (I was there also) and he confessed to the affair. And thank you also for your suggestion on reporting her. The first thing that pops in my head if I do that is- Am I setting them up for more contact as soon as she finds out? Obviously she'll know I turned her in. Should I even be concerned about that? Gosh this is so nuts..



You said that your therapist, who also attends your church, told you that 4 other couples were in therapy because of her actions. There could be many more. She may or may not suspect that you turned her in. So, what if she does? Outing her at church and at her place of employment should shut her up very quickly. She will decide that your husband isn't worth the trouble. Affairs of any sort thrive in secrecy. Unfortunately, I know too much about that. I do know that marriages can endure a lot and survive and, hopefully, even thrive. Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If she isn't licensed then you go to the District Attorney, for she is practising without a license, either way, she can be put out of business---especially is she using her practice, to find , ad seduce men from that practice

Yes your beef is actually with your H., and he is where a majority of your focus should be---he needs to be given boundaries, and he needs to be made/held accountable---do not sweep this under the rug, as to your H.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you, Oak. I fully intend to file grievances with any and all boards that I can. I'm scheduling an appt. with my "responsible" trapist to see if she will be willing to join me when I bring the additional couples up to our pastor. Something has to be done stop her from trying to destroy another marriage.

I would like to get back to my purpose in originally posting. Which was how do you cope with the triggers? And in my case, the very things that should help me (therapy, love, church etc.)
Are the things that trigger me the most. I understand I can switch churches, but how do you get past "love" and not cringe every time I think about therapy? Is there some sort of trick I can play on my mind so I don't associate the 2? (purely hypothetical question), I already know the
answer.)

I'm sure I'm not getting too much out of service, since I'm too busy staring holes in the back of her head and secretly wanting to rip my husband's junk to shreds. And like another poster said in another thread, "it feels like everyone knows." 

I feel like such an irrational mess. I'm guessing that's normal from all I've read. But it seems like I'm watching all of this play out while I'm on the outside of myself. This whole thing has 
changed me forever. And it sucks, but at least I'm not the only one. Sad, but true. Why do people have to be so selfish and reckless? I'll never understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> The OW in our case was an advanced Marriage and Family Therapy student. If this piece of sh!t you're dealing with has her license, file an ethics complaint with whatever outfit that issues professional licenses in your state. Some states issue through the dept of health. This kind of complaint can and has gotten licenses suspended or revoked altogether in my state. You would be doing the profession a service.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Why is it that over half the therapists i personally know are more screwed up than their clients?


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## Christa (Jul 12, 2012)

It is a horrible situation to be in! I would think of her as "Loveless". Every time you mention her use "loveless" instead of love. That might help.
As far as church goes - how is telling the pastor going to do ANYTHING???? 
I would be outing her to everyone else though!!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Time is really the only thing that works in lessening the triggers. Assuming that your H is doing everything you need and want him to do to help repair the damage he did, eventually, you will experience less rage and fewer triggers, because they will be replaced by new and good experiences and memories. Shoring up and rebuilding your relationship with your husband will help supplant the fears and sick-to-your-stomach feeling.

I'm afraid this takes a lot of time, though. It's a tough road. I'm sorry you have to go through this.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I am sorry, OP.

You are saying the OW is a predator. But why the heck your husband should be a prey?

I sense that you are easily forgiving. And he goes without consequence? How did he earlier get into an affair and you let him off without consequence?

You should now sit yourself down. You are in a place where I was some months ago. For that matter, most of us,BS.

Please do not make the mistakes we made.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Angryandused, I'm a little confused by your post. I went and looked up the definition of predator to see if I maybe used it out of context, and acc. to Merriam Webster, 
predator-one that preys, destroys and devours 
I'd say that fits her to a "T"

And I'm not sure what make you assume I , "Let him off without consequence." In all honesty, I've done my best to hold him accountable for his actions. After all, it was his actions that got us here in the first place. I have insisted that he get some counseling to figure out what part of him is lacking that he made this incredibly selfish decision.

I can assure you that I never once buried my head and rolled over. While I know I'm not reacting in a healthy way, I'm nobody's doormat. He is very well aware of the lines that are drawn and my zero tolerance stance. Never again will I tolerate this behavior from him or anyone else for that matter. 

He is quite aware that I will not tolerate ANY contact of ANY kind from this spineless, manipulative wh0re. He also has provided passwords for email accounts, phone records and such. And for that matter, he's also been punched in the face a couple times by me. (yes, I understand this is not the recommended response for the BS, but it is what it is) See, not so easily forgiving. 

I do appreciate your response and advice, and Thank you


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Emotional Memory Management: Dealing with Triggers When Recovering from Infidelity


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you so much Acabado. Very interesting and explanatory. This whole time, I've thought I just wasn't able to process it all correctly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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