# Affair then Divorce 2 years later?



## 2yearsince

I was wondering if anyone out there (I'm sure there are) has gotten through a affair (in my case an expliced EA) then deceided on divorce 2 years later? 

I have been trying for 2 years to make things work (maybe not as hard this past year as I could), after a few weeks of outing her she really did stop all contact. It took me 2 months before I was feeling better (not ok) with things then we went into that overly lovey period (which she loved) but after another 3 months is started slipping back into our old lives pre EA which for me was still not good. Pre EA I could look past those many things even though it still really bothered me. Since the EA I just dont care enough to look past. 

Right now I wish I walked away when everything happend. It would have been so much easier. Now I feel like, oops missed your chance and now leaving puts the blame on you for walking away. I am a pretty emotional guy so if I dont like the person I see I am going to have zero attraction. I dont hate her, I really forgave her. I see her as my really good friend but I dont feel like I have a wife. It just feels empty and I want more. I just don't see things improving. I know we could communicate better and do more but I just dont feel like that about her. I feel bad about it but I wasnt the one who cheated. Anyway curious on thoughts.


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## Jellybeans

It ha shappened before.
If you don't way to stay married, file instead of wasting two more years.


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## Almostrecovered

okay, so wife had an EA, you both dealt with it in a proper fashion, but after the dust cleared you realized that there are still some major problems in the marriage that haven't been fixed to your liking and want out?

is that an accurate summary?

guess my questions are-

Are these problems not being addressed at all or are they beyond repair?

Is it that you are still reeling from the affair and can't bring yourself to loving her anymore?



bottom line is that you have to pick a path and go with it, either give 100% towards R or file.

you have to really search deep down as to what will really make you happy


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## 2yearsince

Yes the problems prior to the EA (it was 2 months, photo exchanges and a plan to meet) remain. I cared enough before the EA to try to hope things got better and had spoken about them but like most people resulted in small temporary changes. Now that things are back to normal pre EA life I just cant deal with all those little things. I guess I really am still reeling, I never really thought I was though. I have no anger which to me made me feel like I was over it but I guess its something else now. I'd rather be anger to be honest. I just feel nothing. I know there is no answer someone can give but I just need to figure out if I want to waste another 1,2,5 years trying to see if I might grow to love her (though I never really believe you can learn to love someone - either you do or dont. I cant imagine ever loving any X GF again.) Thanks for the thoughts and keep em coming. I do realize I am not over the EA just not angry anymore.


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## 2yearsince

Oh and little things I dont mean not cleaning or bitting nails. I mean being bitter, negative, and kinda evil at times (though mainly a good person). Never being a partner in our marriage: problems she doesnt want to hear about it cause its too stressful but I get to hear all about her crappy family, crappy friends, and how hard her life is (her words not mine). She just likes the good without the bad. All that, she is a good mom and when she is happy she is a good person but you just never know when it will turn


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## Tommo

Hey...I was squeezed through the same laundry-wringer. Cheating. Lies. Excuses. I tried "to do the right thing" and get over it but there really ain't no way back from it. I fooled myself with copious "wishful thinking" just like you...and everyone else.

If there is any advice I can offer...it's this: clear your head, get away from the angst and the emotions. Forget about vindictiveness/hate/distrust/humiliation/etc. 

Think rationally, carefully.

Get away from her. How far??? For me, I thought of seeing if NASA had a ship leaving for Mars anytime soon...but then I thought maybe that wasn't far enough!

Nah! Yer gonna have to make your own way through it. It'll be tough. Brutal, even. I've got no real encouragement for you other than to point out that, truly, "misery loves company"...which is what I get outta looking over all these posts!

Boy, oh boy...WHAT a mess!!!


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## 2yearsince

Funny you say it, I had to leave for work 5 weeks ago (short 2 day trips home few times) and distance is exactly what made me see how miserable I really was and I was kidding myself. I left and realized I am not a boring miserable person, I just act that way to keep the peace which is crap expecially after her affair. I was it was easy enough to just cut ties and start over but we do have 2 great kids and I would never leave them like that. They are likely the reason I didnt leave after learning about everything. Thanks for joining in my misery


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## aug

How old are the kids?


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## 2yearsince

13 and 16. 13 is my daughter, shes the one I worry about most. I am very close to both of them. I work from home (doesnt help the situation) so I am with them 11 months (sometimes 12) each year. I know they know my wife has issues, they know to avoid her at times but she is a good mom other than overreacting at times.


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## Tommo

2yearsince said:


> distance is exactly what made me see how miserable I really was and I was kidding myself. I left and realized I am not a boring miserable person, I just act that way to keep the peace which is crap expecially after her affair. I was it was easy enough to just cut ties and start over but we do have 2 great kids and I would never leave them like that. They are likely the reason I didnt leave after learning about everything. Thanks for joining in my misery


Whoa! Like reading a post I would have done only a few months ago!

Seriously...get away and clear your head. Okay, so Mars is out of the question. What I started to do was to take different roads with my car to get to work/whatever. Brand new environments. Everything absolutely new meeting my eye. Get a brekky or a lunch somewhere. Like a whole new world...

I can commiserate. What utter CRAP is swimming around in your noggin'!!! Get away from it...even for five freakin' minutes extra driving...taking the long way to get there...

Highly recommended:

Supertramp's "Breakfast In America" album...Take The Long Way Home. True/true/true, pertinent lyrics to where you're at!

Hang in there!

T


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## 2yearsince

Oh I am away for work and it has cleared my head. It is why I am seeing clearly that the last 2 years were not fixing things just me putting on a good face to look like the good husband. I see now I was kidding myself and all the pre EA issues are still there with new ones on top.


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## Almostrecovered

so how much of your feelings have you communicated to the wife at this point? Were your problems just ignored or were they addressed?


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## aug

Your delayed reaction could be something like PTSD.

Your kids are old enough to understand what's going on. So, whether you stay with your marriage or divorce, your kids will adapt and be fine if you keep on loving them and treat them with respect.


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## Dadof3

I think this is more a result of what sounds like a rug sweeping operation than a true R where your wife did most of the heavy lifting.

without a true R, this I think would be the natural conclusion.


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## 2yearsince

I communicated much of this a year ago. She has not wanted to talk about it since and I have tried to respect that. I do understand not wanting to relive your mistakes. In terms of her other actions we do talk about them but usually when we are already fighting about something else which I know is not the time. I just hate to bring up these things. Anytime I try to talk she gets defensive and tries to turn the tables. I am going to talk once I get done working away. I think it was swept under the rug but she did not do heavy lifting, it was equal work. She did all the right things after a month or so of going back and forth. Then she just asked to not talk about it anymore so I honored that but I really thought I was past it as much as possible. When I have brought up issues she addresses them for a while but slowly goes back.


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## aug

2yearsince said:


> I communicated much of this a year ago. *She has not wanted to talk about it since and I have tried to respect that. I do understand not wanting to relive your mistakes. * In terms of her other actions we do talk about them but usually when we are already fighting about something else which I know is not the time. I just hate to bring up these things. Anytime I try to talk she gets defensive and tries to turn the tables. I am going to talk once I get done working away. I think it was swept under the rug but she did not do heavy lifting, it was equal work. She did all the right things after a month or so of going back and forth. Then she just asked to not talk about it anymore so I honored that but I really thought I was past it as much as possible. When I have brought up issues she addresses them for a while but slowly goes back.



But it seems you need to talk about it with her again in order to get past your current state. 

Maybe you should tell her that you need to talk about it or you cannot continue healing. If she doesnt want to, then she is not truly remorseful, have not owned her EA, or is inconsiderate of your well-being. Then your alternate path is separation/divorce?


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## Tommo

Don't beat yourself up...even with a soft pillow.

Seriously, clearing your head for a time will get you well on your way...

Try meditating. For me, my last lingering thoughts before I find some sort of mental "happy place" are smack on what I need to fix!


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## 2yearsince

I am trying to clear my head, problem is that is what got me to realize how unhappy I am. I am away for work, seems all I can think about. Hard to sleep. Really I just want to talk to her about it. Trying to hold off until after her family is gone. Dont want to have her upset while they are around. Sad all I think about still is how things will affect her.


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## Tommo

The cheat just does NOT comprehend the damage being caused to someone they are supposedly in love with. To them "Oops! I screwed up. He loves me so he'll forgive me and that'll be that."

Nope. There ain't no way back to real peace in the relationship. Don't get me wrong...it may well bring some sort of reconcilliation...but it'll be a "this'll do" relationship that is grey, morose and missing something important.

It's taken me since 1999 to nearly be rid of this woman. She's like an addictive poison. Time and time again I want to sweep her up "and make it right" but, FINALLY, it ain't gonna happen that way any more. I've done just that upon more occasions than I can recount. All that happens is that she loses her angst about "losing her sugar daddy", makes sure the wool is back over my eyes, and she goes out and screws somebody new.

I know there is a horrible thing looming in front of me and it seems easier to acquiesce and just stay married. Like I said, it's taken me over a decade to gather the fortitude.

I don't fear being alone after the divorce...I am alone right now.

I don't fear parting with half the assets...she has half the assets right now.

I also won't mind having my self-respect return...

For the time being, I'm being methodical about structuring things to be as easy as possible on my part. She's gonna want all she can get once she sees that she's gonna have to go out and get a job. I'm cool with half...but I know the woman...she'll want whatever she can gouge out of me.

As for her part...I'm sure there's some nice man she met over the course of our marriage that'll be happy to take on a usury cheat...

Nice, huh? What a warm and fuzzy feeling...


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## 2yearsince

Its fine, I kinda know all that just need to accept. Nice to hear others went through it. Yeah my biggest fear is seeing her sink in link. She is bad with $ which lead to problems before the EA so even if I gave her all it would be hard for her. Then throw kids in and I cant bear to see them sink for her troubles.


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## aug

2yearsince said:


> Its fine, I kinda know all that just need to accept. Nice to hear others went through it. Yeah my biggest fear is seeing her sink in link. She is bad with $ which lead to problems before the EA so even if I gave her all it would be hard for her. Then throw kids in and I cant bear to see them sink for her troubles.


Kids wont sink. They'll be fine because you're there for them. And, they are old enough to know how to handle the situation with your help and love. In a couple more years they will start moving out of the house anyways.


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## 2yearsince

I know they wont sink just stressful to think that the wife will be responsible enough to manage. We pay all our bills and dont run short because I am good with the $. If I leave she will be on an even tighter budget. Not saying I wouldnt pay my share but I cant see her keeping things together. Honestly I would likely be better off seperate since I wouldnt have the ongoing surprise purchases just showing up from my accounts.


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## 2yearsince

If she has the kids and I assume it would end up like that though I would gladly be their sole provider but wouldnt want to put them through that. The when she cant make ends meat that means the kids suffer


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## Tommo

The kids...yep, there's that to consider. It's what has kept me "quiet" and pliable all these years. It's SHAMEFUL how society at large insists that there are equal rights for women (rightly so) but this doesn't seem to apply to custody issues. Sure, this is changing but there is still that bias there in the courts.

The finance hassles you outline are more than understood by me. My mate (so-called) hasn't got a clue as to how to make things work in a family budget. (Shades of Obama???) A few weeks ago she voiced her displeasure that she never had "her own money" and that maybe if she got a job she could change all that. "Her money"??? Here I am doing all I can for keeping The Wolf from the door...and SHE wants money for HER. Screw shoes for the kids.

Man oh man...here I go. I better sign off.


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## 2yearsince

So I wanted to talk about it and she ended up complaining about me being away so I skipped it. I sent her an email about things (not specific) and she wanted me to tell her more so I went into everything but not next steps just issues and my feelings. I already know what I want and I expected her to flip out but it seems the meaner (ok not mean but just distant and not talking much) the nicer she is. She wants to talk to someone and sorry and all that. 2 years ago after the EA she wouldnt do any of it. Now that I have been pushed to far she turns around (though she has done this many many times only to slip right back soon after). Honestly I wanted her to flip out cause it would have been easier. I hate hurting anyone even after what she put me through and did. Sucks I feel guilty when I didnt do anything wrong (well I am sure I was not the perfect husband and defn not since as I do not show the love I did before even).


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## 2yearsince

sorry after the EA she didnt want to talk to someone (said she did but never actually did) she did say sorry for that instance though and to my knowledge after several months has never turn back on that aspect


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## Tommo

The basis of your angst...like mine...is that you are married to a cheat. Lots of things go hand-in-hand with cheating:

she lies/she goes cold/she doesn't seem to hear what you are saying/trip to the VD clinic/being blamed for everything/arguing/on and on it goes.

Cheating "white ants" any relationship. There is no way back from it no matter how many posts you read or how many counsellors you see. "Reconcilliation" is merely instructions by a trusted professional that you should "forgive and forget". What utter BS. All's R does is to convince you to continue to be whipped at the post because "this is marriage...for better or for worse". 

Hey...she's probably still at it, too.

A great measure of how you are doing is whether or not you have any self-respect. Only you can answer that...


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## 2yearsince

More now, very little before I went away for work. I think that is a good measure. I dont think she is and I am pretty on top of things since the trust was broken but then again who knows. I do agree it tainted everything but still I feel bad listening to her tell me how I am everythign and sorry and she will do anything. She said it 2 years ago but our pre EA issues didnt change even thought those were brought up. Just feel like when have you tried all you can? Can you even fall back in love? I dont believe it. I think about my X GFs and I see all their faults and wouldnt even date them now let alone fall in love.


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## Tommo

It seems like some marriages are based on a continuing battle over absolutely nothing thanks to the choice of a wrong partner to begin with. Without the battling...there's nuthin'!

As soon as you quit the battlin'...there's absolutely nuthin' left...but a divorce.


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## Scannerguard

2 years,

How's the sex life? Are you two intimate since the EA?


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## 2yearsince

From what I read we went through the normal cycle. I got through it and went through an overly loving period, maybe sex 2-4 times a week. might not sound alot but more than our pre ea of 1-2 times a month if lucky plus 2 kids and a crazy life. After that period it was back to 1-2 times a month and then 1 time on average Usually if we went away which I tried to do every few months thinking it would change things. and I couldnt tell you the last time but 2-3 months ago. I am away for work right now so 1/2 of that is because I am gone but I went home 2 times to visit (the kids really) and it was like we were strangers when we layed in bed. Part of it is that I get zero arrousal from her. Not a physical issue, I am just an emotional person so I only see our issues which pretty much kills the desire with her.


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## 2yearsince

Tommo said:


> It seems like some marriages are based on a continuing battle over absolutely nothing thanks to the choice of a wrong partner to begin with. Without the battling...there's nuthin'!
> 
> As soon as you quit the battlin'...there's absolutely nuthin' left...but a divorce.


Very true, we started as young kids who got pregnant and did the right thing. I would say I was in love anyway but I'm not sure if you really know at that age and I know I was not emotionaly ready. After that it was struggling financially, struggling with her family issues what seems like every month. I cant remember a 2 month period without some kind of issues. I cant remember a single holiday where there wasnt tension.


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## Tommo

How on Earth do we get into these things? I seem to be getting some insights thanks to everyone's posts.

For sure...repeated over and over, post after post...there were early warning signs that we all pretty much shined on. These worrying glimpses seemed to resolve into "once we are married things will change". (Ha! Like Obama's hope & change!!!)

Whoever came up with: "misery loves company" was dead on the money with that particular insight. And, still, the gallows humour does bring the occasional chuckle to an otherwise bleak outlook on things!

I was recommended this site by an old friend. He suggested to look over my first 50 posts...which I've just done. 

I can see that I've still along way to go. And it still seems like Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward are running 'round and 'round in my head day in and day out with no end in sight. 

Like I said: no wonder people go off to live in a cave somewhere!

WHAT a mess...

Hope I haven't offended too many people along the way!


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## 2yearsince

Yup it is true, no one offends me (it is just online anyway). I agree about living in a cave. I came to realize that even that would be an improvement to my life. For me it wasnt misery loves company, it was more misery loves someone to care for them and I felt the need to be that someone. Never think about my own feelings, just how I can make them feel better. That is not good either cause at some point it catches up.


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## Tommo

Taking a broad overview of pretty much ALL these posts...it's evident that no-one's got their head screwed on right...me, most of all.

Personally, I'd like to think I'm always going to win the tug-o-war between my head and my heart. In an otherwise quite successful life I like to believe I can see my way through everything...

Nope.


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## Scannerguard

> From what I read we went through the normal cycle. I got through it and went through an overly loving period, maybe sex 2-4 times a week. might not sound alot but more than our pre ea of 1-2 times a month if lucky plus 2 kids and a crazy life. After that period it was back to 1-2 times a month and then 1 time on average Usually if we went away which I tried to do every few months thinking it would change things. and I couldnt tell you the last time but 2-3 months ago. I am away for work right now so 1/2 of that is because I am gone but I went home 2 times to visit (the kids really) and it was like we were strangers when we layed in bed. Part of it is that I get zero arrousal from her. Not a physical issue, I am just an emotional person so I only see our issues which pretty much kills the desire with her.


I am not asking about your sex life to be a voyeur, but to just get a good gauge of what's going on.

Essentially, it's fair to say intimacy is dwindling away to just about nothing, right?

If you get zero arousal from her, she's going to sense that. Women do kind of need to feel some amount of power over men in the sexual dynamic. I am not sure if "control" is the right word. . .maybe "power."

I am not saying it's your fault, only kind of stating what "is" and hoping you can run with it.

My suggestion is the goal should be to restore emotional and physical intimacy at all cost. If that means little Johnny can't play soccer, or you have to pay for a babysitter, so be it. But you two need a weekend to sit down and talk and hold each other and heal.

It's a lot cheaper than divorce. Trust me.

Good luck.


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## 2yearsince

Thanks, didnt think you were some freak so no worries. I knew the point. I have tried several get aways in the past 2 years. 4 day weekends alone. We were intimat but I felt more obligated than desire. She even started a fight the last one a few months ago while we were sight seeing cause I just wanted to enjoy our time and she wanted to do something else. I said sure we could hit that on our walk home but that turned into me being a jerk and spoiled the rest of our time. Partly my fault cause when she went off like that I just stayed calm and didnt let it get me angry (not that its wrong but she wanted a diff response)


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## sammy3

This is exactly what I am sooo afraid of... and what I dont want to go through... the hurt is enough only once...

~sammy


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## 2yearsince

Honestly it is nothing like 2 years ago. 2 years ago I was broken and hurt. Now I am just nothing. It is hard to think about divorce but only because of my kids and hating to see anyone hurt (even if they brought it on themselves)


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## Tommo

2yearsince said:


> Honestly it is nothing like 2 years ago. 2 years ago I was broken and hurt. Now I am just nothing


Maybe I'm just a tad ahead of you...

Yep...broken and hurt
Yep...nothing

Now...be more like The Roadrunner and less like Wile E. Coyote as I scheme up a way out...

Hey! I wonder if there's an Acme Divorce Plan out there I can order before I plunge off a cliff in Arizona???


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## 2yearsince

Let me know if you find one. I am feeling nothing except guilt knowing what I want to do but not yet telling her. She still thinks there is a chance but in my heart I know I am done. I am sure there is more to come and the pain will prob come after she realizes that I am not changing. She wants counciling and I said I would but not together. I want to go for myself to make sure I move past it but part of me is doing it so it looks better like see I even tried. I do feel bad about that too.


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## Tommo

2yearsince said:


> I am feeling nothing except guilt knowing what I want to do but not yet telling her. She still thinks there is a chance but in my heart I know I am done.


Sooner or later she'll get the message.

Terrible circumstance to be in huh?

Hope you hold up under the ever-increasing strain of what you are doing...


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## 2yearsince

I know and I think the long pause on if she should even get her wedding ring fixed gave her that hint. We talked 2 days ago and not since so I am guessing she knows I am not wanting to tlka things out. Prob just hoping the counsling will be the savior.


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## Tommo

2 days ago for you...1 for me. No councillor...no saviour.


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## 2yearsince

I meant she is hoping. I am not. Counsilor might help me but not our marriage. Honestly if I wasnt worried about what "people" would say I'd prob have told her over the phone. Just dont want the kids to think I didnt try everything. I know myself and those wife feelings are long gone and I have made up my mind and it doesnt change


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## Tommo

I've been this far out the door a few times...each time either I caved in or whatever...it just didn't happen. Now, I'm hanging tough. I feel kind of like one of those people that had to jump out of the World Trade Center from 100 floors up...not much choice in the matter.


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## Almostrecovered

Tommo said:


> I've been this far out the door a few times...each time either I caved in or whatever...it just didn't happen. Now, I'm hanging tough. I feel kind of like one of those people that had to jump out of the World Trade Center from 100 floors up...not much choice in the matter.



what a poor analogy

those people were choosing to die from fire or from falling

you are choosing whether to suffer in a loveless marriage or go through a divorce (admittedly is stressful) and eventually have a better life


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## Dedicated2Her

> Counsilor might help me but not our marriage.


2 years. I'm not trying to be judgemental, but this is not true. If the counselor helps you, it helps your marriage. Your marriage is a direct reflection on your health as an individual. Listening to you describe how you respond to your wife sounds like a "beaten" man as your self confidence and belief in yourself is just in the dumps. Get some help, bro. You have every right to walk away from a cheater, but you haven't. These issues will show up later in your next relationship.


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## Tommo

Almostrecovered said:


> what a poor analogy
> 
> those people were choosing to die from fire or from falling
> 
> you are choosing whether to suffer in a loveless marriage or go through a divorce (admittedly is stressful) and eventually have a better life


In your 1,082 posts you've learned very little...

I'm soon to be rid of a woman just like you...

How's THAT for an analogy...


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## sammy3

2yearsince, 

It doesn't get better does it ? I dont know how to look at my husband ever again and not feel cheated... 

~sammy


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## Tommo

Nope...


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## 2yearsince

Not true sammy, it does get better. Just accept it will never be the same and only you know if that is enough. I am better, I dont hate her anymore. I do love her. I can sit here an picture holidays and events with her, just not as my wife. I am an emotional person, it's all about connection with me. I dont have one with her anymore. Didnt have a strong one before it happend and have none now. That is the hardest thing for me. Can I live without that connection, will it ever come back? Its like asking if you will fall in love with someone. You cant make that happen and for me its a question of how much longer do you to see if it happends. 2 years and I feel less than before so for me I say no. I dont want to live life with a good friend who I dont feel connected to, I want a twinkle in my eye and see the same thing back. I'm just a big sap at heart and know I need that in my life. Without it (and feeling like I am trapped without it) I am not the same person. I am a beaten down man who is lost. I know after a divorce I wll still be lonely and looking for the same thing I am missing but I just feel at least I will have a chance for it someday


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## Tommo

Sorry, Sammy...by "Nope!" I was answering your exact question, directly...meaning, about looking at your husband and not feeling cheated. Other than a case of alzheimer's...or a lobotomy...or getting lost in drugs or alcohol...how CAN you be expected to forget it??? 

How can you have any intimate moments when "two is company, three is a crowd"? I tried my best...but something "leaves" when the person you are married to does that? It doesn't come back, either... 

Getting PAST that...yes...I agree w/'2years since' that it does get better! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and LEARN FROM IT!!!


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## 2yearsince

Yeah, 2 differnt views on the same question. Forgive, but you will never forget. Again is that enough? For some yes. I forgave but being emotional I need more. I changed things and it took me 2 years to see that I need more than just ok. I want it all. No one is perfect, I know that but you can just connect with someone and everything else doesnt matter. I think that is love.


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## Dedicated2Her

2years- just curious. Do you think that the reason you feel no connection is because subconciously you will not allow yourself to become vulnerable to the relationship again? Maybe, you built a wall through the A two years ago and are unable to bring it down? 

You have every right to walk away, but do you think that the hidden wounds from not breaking that wall down will effect your actions for the rest of your life? 

You said you are an emotional person. Perhaps these things could be a huge step into your own personal development? 

Like I said, just curious.


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## 2yearsince

I think you are partially correct. I think I felt no connection before but I still tried to make things work. After her EA (and our honeymoon period trying to make up for it) I likely do have a wall of some kind. I dont care now to try and fix the many things that were broken before. Yes, I 100% agree it can effect my lift forward with whatever I do. I do plan to talk with someone, for myself. 

As a side note, I express some more feelings to her and I got the response anyone would want. She was so sorry, will get help, knows she has been a bad wife, screwed up, etc. She remembers the many good times and just wants a chance to make things right. I felt nothing except more guilt that I feel nothing. 17 years and SO many issues and SO many talks. I think she understands I am done and now is saying all the right things again. I just feel like I fell for it before, why again. Now that I don't love her and can admit that, she wants to fix things.


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## 2yearsince

So its been a week almost. I am getting close to wrapping up my work out of town and will be returning home soon. Getting really nervous. Afraid I will back down and slip back into what is comfortable (although not happy). I want to address things but really scared of her reaction when we are in person. I want to be honest but not sure how much honesty is too much. She has a poor relationship with her family, father passed early this year, and has no close friends. I am afraid to loose me will be took much for a person. I know its not a good reason to make myself unhappy anymore and be miserable but my whole life I have always put my own feelings aside for what was better for everyone else. I will always do that for my kids but outside of that I dont think its fair.


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## sammy3

Ahhhh.... this is what I cant do . I cant live a life of pretend. My love for my husband of 28 yrs. changed after D-day, 5 months ago. His actions has changed the view from where I sit. We are starting to talk of separation. This is the most painful experience I have ever experienced.

~sammy


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## 2yearsince

Yeah same. After that happend 2 years ago I just couldnt look at her the same. When things are good, I am numb when things are bad are I cant help but regret not leaving when it happend


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## sammy3

Ahhhhhhhhhhh ...


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## 2yearsince

Well heading back home tomorrow. Dread it really but want to talk about this with her. I have spoken with her about once or twice a week since I've been gone and those were brief updates on the kids. I think she is just thinking I am away working a ton and stress so when I get back I will go back to normal but I wont.


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## 2yearsince

It was weird when I went home last week. When I was away and we talked, I had zero emotions. I felt like I could just end things and be good friends. After being home and face to face it was so much harder. I had more resentment than right after the EA. Everythign she did I wanted to ignore but also didnt want to cause her even more pain. Just a very hard situation. I am hoping she starts accepting where she knows I want to go. Usually the super nice only lasts a few weeks after we fight as she tries to make up until I go back to being fake. No dice this time, I am past that point of being able to fake it anymore


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