# Almost at my wits end.



## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

This will be sort of long so I apologize. First off, I am 26 my husband is 47. We have been together since I was 21. Since our very first sexual encounter I have known he has had ED. Over the years it hasn't really gotten any worse or better, just sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Well, a few months ago, he was outside and I walked out to tell him dinner was ready and caught him on the phone. He hung up fast and when I confronted him about it, he claimed that he was making an appointment with a doctor because of his penis. I was upset at the fact that he hid it from me (hence we are married I didn't think it was a problem to discuss it) but I digress, he followed up with this appointment and come to find out he has Peyronie's Disease. (For those of you who do not know, it is basically a form of scare tissue that forms in a mans penis causing curvature and somewhat lack of blood circulation creating a full erection.) When I asked him what can cause this he claimes the doctor told him rough sex can (which is quite the opposite of what we have) but I didn't think much about it. After thinking, it came to me that over the years everytime the discussion of ED was brought up he would claim different reasons to why he was suffering. (He was thinking alot about work, he was too tired, he had a head ache, etc.) But it's never been a certain reason. This is my first marriage/first long relationship and I am sort of at a loss on what's going on with him. I can only rely on hopes that he tells me the truth about how he feels. Well yesterday he went to have blood work done and wondered why the doctor didn't request a testosterone level. I also found him searching the internet for natural supplements. Now with all this said, I will admit I have never been fully satisfied with him, but I have never mentioned it. The only thing I have expressed is I do not appreciate the way I am "left hanging" so to speak in the bedroom. But even with those things he hasn't done anything to change. His ED has always bothered me, but I have never flat out told him it was a problem. Well, I am starting to feel different. First off, after my 25th birthday, it was like a flood gate opened. I realized my sex drive almost doubled. I found myself wanting more from him sexually. Being that I am almost clueless I tried different things out with him and he was just not interested. When I initiate sex he can't seem to stay erect but when he does, it is fine. Now I am wondering if his curiosity for building his testosterone is aimed for someone else. He is very secretive about the entire ordeal and I have never shunned him or turned him away for anything sexually, but I suppose I can't help but assume the worst since all of this has come full force. Is this a common problem in marriage? Should I just throw my hands in the air and say I am done all because of sex? I haven't the slightest clue if he is cheating or trying any of this out for my benefit because he chooses to stray from the topic. Sex with him has almost become mechanical if that makes sense. I would never stray from out marriage because I feel deeply about cheating. I am the type of person that would leave before seeking someone else. Am I being paranoid? Any suggestions/opinions I will gladly accept. Thanks.


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I think you need to lay it all out for him just as you did for us.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Unless there are other signs of possible infidelity I think you are over reacting to your husbands preoccupation with his erection.

ED is a very difficult thing for a man and while you say he`s always had it you also say your drive has gone into overdrive lately.
He may have noticed and is feeling insecure about his ability to satisfy you and apparently he is correct in that feeling.

If I were unable to satisfy my wife sexually it would crush my ego.
There isn`t anything I would refuse to do in the attempt to fix my problem.

I`d be scared (of losing her),low self esteem, and worst of all my own feelings about my manhood itself would plummet.

He`s actively trying to fix the problem and I don`t see anywhere in your post where you should think he`s doing it for anyone but you.

You should take the default position that he`s trying to improve your sex life and not jump on the infidelity train unless he exhibits some other signs.

You should help him as much as you can with this but remember to be subtle and slow because this **** is very difficult for a man.


----------



## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

When you say subtle and slow, could you elaborate a little? I sort of allowed my words to flow without giving great explanation of a lot of things. Yes you are correct that I have no idication if there is infidelity. I can't begin to fathom how difficult this is for him, but I feel totally out of the loop. And honestly, he has never, cared if I was satisfied. I either have to be lucky enough to orgasm, or im SOL. When I have asked him to attempt to help me out he seems almost uninterested in trying for me which in return makes me not want it. I dont want him to TRY to want me...I just want him to want me. And when I even try to talk about our sex life it just seems he takes in what I say, and then doesn't give it a second thought.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confused_11 said:


> When you say subtle and slow, could you elaborate a little?


I just mean that it`s not a subject that`s easily openly discussed for most men.
You shouldn`t jump in and start making suggestions like you were talking about fixing the washer.

The equivalent I can think of for a woman would be a wife who has had a mastectomy.
It`s said that many women are deeply emotionally scarred after having a masectomy they feel "Less of a woman"



> I can't begin to fathom how difficult this is for him, but I feel totally out of the loop.


This isn`t rare.
many men who have this problem are deeply shamed and don`t want anyone else even their wives..especially their wives "in the loop".



> And honestly, he has never, cared if I was satisfied. I either have to be lucky enough to orgasm, or im SOL. When I have asked him to attempt to help me out he seems almost uninterested in trying for me which in return makes me not want it. I dont want him to TRY to want me...I just want him to want me.


Well considering this I can somewhat understand your jumping to the possibility of infidelity.
If he`s always been ok with the status quo and is suddenly without reason concerned with his inability it is a slight red flag.

However I repeat that your sudden increase in drive could be a motivating factor for him.

You`re going to have to simply discuss it with him to see where his head is.
Again, do so gently and compassionately.


----------



## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thank you very much for the advice. I will try my very best to discuss this with him. But I am unsure how to even start a conversation like this? "Hey hun how was your day? Oh by the way, about your ED, can we talk?" (LOL) should I approach it after a sexual encounter? I just want to make him understand that I do not look down no him in any way about this. I understood to a degree that marriage to an older man can have it's downs, it's just hard to start a conversation on such a touchy subject.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yes it's very hard to start this discussion.

Starting it during pillow talk might be a good idea after sex BUT make sure it was a successful encounter.

If he's unable to complete and you bring it up it could go badly/

I'm sure someone will come along with an idea of how to broach the subject sensitively.
I'm at a loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I can't help but to notice the 20 year age difference and that he would've been 41 and you 21 when you first got together.... How did y'all meet? Am I reading correctly in that you fear he's worried about his ED for another partner and not you?


----------



## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

Yes and yes. We met at my old job and I actually pursued him. At the time I had no idea about the age difference. He looks a lot younger.


----------

