# How do I fix this?



## Joe Jr. (Jan 2, 2014)

I recently caught my wife of ten years in a emotional affair. She said it has not been physical. Our sex life has not been good for months. I think due to her being checked out. She told me that she wasn't attracted to me and she might be into women. This has completely changed how I feel about her. I am mad. Just thinking about sex with her is awkward. How do I get past this? She continues to tell me she wants to be married to me. I am really self-conscious about my performance. I am not very good in bed, but my wife and I have always found ways to have great sex. At least that's what I thought. I'm angry and I don't know how to get past this.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I sympathize with your plight, as I haven't experienced the same issues, but have a few ideas that might help.

You say your sex life hasn't been good for months, meaning it's not been fulfilling for you? Or has your wife expressed that it is lacking as well? Do you have children together? Do you still love her, despite her saying the door might swing both ways for her, guys and gals being intriguing to her? 

She still wants to remain married to you, but has she persisted with her virtual relationships or have those been released? Again, by whose assessment are you 'not very good in bed', hers or yours? If it's a matter of technique, there are lots of ways you can learn to drive her crazy in bed, if you are open to new ideas.

How did you 'catch' her in her emotional affair?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

First decide if you want to get past this. You sound kind of up in the air about it. Then sit down and talk to your wife. Find out if she is willing to cut contact, end the affair, and commit to work to save the marriage. If she is, get in counsoling ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joe Jr. (Jan 2, 2014)

For me my wife has not been into it. When I caught her is when she said it has not been good. It was pretty apparent I believe to both of us. We have four kids. I do love her, but I am pretty upset with her. She says she has stopped her EA's but she has hid everything and made sure not to get caught. At least that's how I see it. Its my assessment. I need to put in a lot of effort when having sex to make it good for my wife. I accidently caught her because her texts went to my 8yr olds IPOD. He came to me saying he had weird messages on his IPOD.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How are you "not good in bed", yet still have "great sex"? And why, if you know you're not good in bed, haven't you addressed that? Educated yourself, whatever...

As far as the EA and possible bisexuality goes... That's a whole bother thread...

C


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## Joe Jr. (Jan 2, 2014)

Have great sex with oral and toys. That's how we have addressed this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what part are you "not good" at?

C


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

In guessing she has a hard time reaching O with PIV intercourse. Yes???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Was the emotional affair with a woman?


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## Joe Jr. (Jan 2, 2014)

Was not with a woman. Not sure what PIV means but needs oral and other to reach O.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

It's easy for someone to feel "unattracted" to a person when they are in an emotional affair. The loyalty switches from you to the other guy, and all the sudden you are unattractive, a bad husband, evil, and the cause of all her problems. She will also quit having sex with you as often to show her loyalty to the other guy, even without being with him physically.

Make sure the emotional affair has ended.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Joe Jr. said:


> For me my wife has not been into it. When I caught her is when she said it has not been good. It was pretty apparent I believe to both of us. We have four kids. I do love her, but I am pretty upset with her. She says she has stopped her EA's but she has hid everything and made sure not to get caught. At least that's how I see it. Its my assessment. I need to put in a lot of effort when having sex to make it good for my wife. I accidently caught her because her texts went to my 8yr olds IPOD. He came to me saying he had weird messages on his IPOD.


Before you beat yourself up too much and lose all self confidence... Have you considered that she might be rewriting history in order to rationalize her affair?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Read his other thread here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/155257-how-should-i-feel.html

His wife has been having more than an EA, most likely. 

And OP... Her not having an orgasm through intercourse (PIV = penis in vagina) isn't necessarily because you're "not very good in bed". The stuff I've read suggests about 30% of women don't reach orgasm through "regular" intercourse. Just not the way they're wired up. My SO, for example, has only had an orgasm about 3 times with me through regular intercourse, and that's a better percentage than with her other partners. I don't let that bother me, and I don't think it's because I'm not good in bed. Instead, I rock her world in other ways, and as far as I know, she fully appreciates that. I think the fact that I love, love, love giving her oral sex makes up for that. 

I'll admit that I do wish that she could orgasm just from intercourse, even if it was only after being fully primed through oral or whatever. But we just use a small bullet vibrator when I'm inside her, and it brings her to orgasm pretty quickly. And doesn't affect our intercourse in any case. So it's a very workable solution to the "problem".

In any case, I think the bigger issue is that your wife is getting her world rocked by other guys, and you're getting the leftovers.

C


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## Joe Jr. (Jan 2, 2014)

Thank you for your posts.


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