# So tired of being in control



## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

I have been married for 11 years. 3 kids, pretty good all around, but probably like most men, not as much sex as I'd like.

And no, I don't just want more penetration of her body with parts of mine. Gross. I wanna be close and be naughty and have orgasms and be vulnerable and strong together. I want intimacy. And yeah, we do it, it's great...but I feel that what sex we do have, is because I take charge. I am the one who has to be strong, and stoic, and push back on her nagging or emotional outbursts. I honestly don't care about the nagging.. nag all you want.. you wanna be crazy when you let your emotions boil over? Fine, I'll be over here enjoying the chidren and my hobbies while you are getting upset over a sock. When you're done, you'll still be hot, and I'll still want to be intimate with you.

But if I slip up, even once and do something nice, or have a day of emotional struggle, or god forbid I convey any desire before she does.. it's bye bye sexy time for a month while I go back to pretending I am James Bond and that I don't want it, just so she will want it.

Is this why the song said we'd be happy for the rest of our lives if we picked an ugly woman for our wife? My wife is gorgeous, and I can't even tell her without drawing her pity. Like "oh, you think I'm pretty? You think I'm hot? Now you're in the club with every other guy."

Sometimes I wish I just had a homely wife that was DTF on all the nights I'm not busy.

I'm sure some of you will have advice. Not looking for any, but I appreciate you reading my rant.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

I have 2 bits of advice (which will be less than popular).
1) Nagging,
buy some ear buds, wear them when she's in that mood, you don't even need to listen to music, just nod your head up and down as if you are.

2) No sex,
miss out on a payment on the 2 houses and 2 cars, whenever I miss out on paying bills or can't afford to give her housekeeping money, mine gets much more interested in sex.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

I think you need to transition from pretending to be aloof to actually living it. When you genuine pay her no heed she'll either love it or will realise that this silly game she is playing has backfired.

She doesn't like you commenting on how attractive she is? Well comment on other women and their attractiveness to her. Create even more distance when she has her ****ty outbursts.

She sound like she is someone who knows they are attractive and has been able to survive being ****ty as result of that. She needs taking down a peg or two.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*



Is this why the song said we'd be happy for the rest of our lives if we picked an ugly woman for our wife?

Click to expand...

*No, the song actually meant that if you marry an ugly woman, you don't have to worry about her running around on you.

*



My wife is gorgeous, and I can't even tell her without drawing her pity. Like "oh, you think I'm pretty? You think I'm hot? Now you're in the club with every other guy."

Click to expand...

*This quote makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Seriously, after 11+ years she's *still* acting like this if you compliment her? Good luck with that particular brand of crazy.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> No, the song actually meant that if you marry an ugly woman, you don't have to worry about her running around on you.


The ugly woman (5 at best) I first married cheated on me (while denying me sex) for 30 years.
The much younger prettier woman (9 or 10) I married has been really nice to me for the past 12 years.

So IMHO an ugly woman is just as likely to behave badly as any other woman.
But all women are likely to play the 'no sex' game if you let them.
You just need to let them know no sex = no husband right from the get go.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Put her on ignore, stop doing things like making her coffee, making her life easier in all the small ways. Just stop that part.

When you want to have sex, initiate in a short and direct manner and through completion. Every time. Don't start then cave when she says she doesn't want sex with you right now. It's not wholly her choice. (Negative slams here towards me for me saying that, I can live with that).

Make it come to a head. That may break through whatever real or perceived problems she thinks she has. Push it to get off dead center which will only get worse if unaddressed.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ManOfManyWords said:


> I have been married for 11 years. 3 kids, pretty good all around, but probably like most men, not as much sex as I'd like.
> 
> And no, I don't just want more penetration of her body with parts of mine. Gross. I wanna be close and be naughty and have orgasms and be vulnerable and strong together. I want intimacy. And yeah, we do it, it's great...but I feel that what sex we do have, is because I take charge. I am the one who has to be strong, and stoic, and push back on her nagging or emotional outbursts. I honestly don't care about the nagging.. nag all you want.. you wanna be crazy when you let your emotions boil over? Fine, I'll be over here enjoying the chidren and my hobbies while you are getting upset over a sock. When you're done, you'll still be hot, and I'll still want to be intimate with you.
> 
> ...


1. You may as well just say “I’m tired of being a man.” It’s your job to be “strong and stoic”dude. 
2. As to the title of your post - you are not even remotely in charge of your relationship / marriage. Your wife is. 
And that is probably a huge part of why she doesn’t respect or desire you. Maintaining your own frame doesn’t mean pretending you don’t want sex from her, it means being clear about what you want/expect and what you will and will not tolerate.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Just curious, do you ever complement her on something other than her looks? Not saying you don't but it looks like from what you posted the only time she means anything is when she gets intimate. If all she does is nag and make you chase her then what do you love about her?


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## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

I would check out dads starting over, the name of the book is dead bedroom fix.
and....
Next time you give her a compliment do not say ohhh your so hot or beautiful. Be specific!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> No, the song actually meant that if you marry an ugly woman, you don't have to worry about her running around on you.
> 
> 
> This quote makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Seriously, after 11+ years she's *still* acting like this if you compliment her? Good luck with that particular brand of crazy.


She clearly thinks far too much of herself if she thinks that all men would find her sexy. 
Not a nice to say to a compliment from your spouse at all.


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## TheSeaRefusesNoRiver (Oct 17, 2019)

ManOfManyWords said:


> I'm sure some of you will have advice. Not looking for any, but I appreciate you reading my rant.


Since you're not looking for advice and like songs, here's Albert Lee's version of "Just Because" to make your toes tap and put a snap in your step


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

And another one down, another one bites the dust. But sounds like it will take some time and more posting because she is attractive. Good luck with the struggle. I suffered through that crap and was quite a stress relief to find someone else that actually wanted the D....


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

bobsmith said:


> And another one down, another one bites the dust. But sounds like it will take some time and more posting because she is attractive. Good luck with the struggle. I suffered through that crap and was quite a stress relief to find someone else that actually wanted the D....


No, I think OP is gone.
Seems like he didn’t dig what we had to tell him, and can’t or doesn’t want to take an objective look at himself and his situation.

OP, prove me wrong. Everyone here really does want what’s best for you and want to help. You can improve your situation but you have a lot of work to do. I hope you reengage when you’re ready


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> No, I think OP is gone.
> Seems like he didn’t dig what we had to tell him, and can’t or doesn’t want to take an objective look at himself and his situation.
> 
> OP, prove me wrong. Everyone here really does want what’s best for you and want to help. You can improve your situation but you have a lot of work to do. I hope you reengage when you’re ready


It can be hard to swallow a sand burr. For me, a decade in, 2 kids, and an SO that would put out maybe 1x/week, but only when she wanted it. Yet I thought it was worth trying to save. Today I would walk in a heartbeat over it. They don't get better, just make false promises. There I was all worried about finding someone else in my 30s and was snagged up in only a few months. Dude just needs to see there is plenty more gr'ass out there! Every single partner since that pathetic relationship has pushed my own libido to the limit. 

OP, you better do some reading and reflecting. You are currently a doormat.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> The ugly woman (5 at best) I first married cheated on me (while denying me sex) for 30 years.
> The much younger prettier woman (9 or 10) I married has been really nice to me for the past 12 years.
> 
> So IMHO an ugly woman is just as likely to behave badly as any other woman.
> ...


I agree with you about that, and it applies to men too. Ugly people may never have had a chance to explore and may be even more eager to do so than those attractive enough to have plenty of opportunity.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> Just curious, do you ever complement her on something other than her looks? Not saying you don't but it looks like from what you posted the only time she means anything is when she gets intimate. If all she does is nag and make you chase her then what do you love about her?


Hey that's a good question.

She's great fun. If I ever need a best friend to watch movies with, rally tennis balls, or travel around the world, we are super compatible and complimentary. I have ADHD and she's hyper logical and neurotypical, which means I do creative stuff and she does boring stuff.

But I didn't mean she doesn't respond well to being complimented only on her looks. She doesn't respond well to being complimented _at all_. Sure, she says thank you and gives big hug. But that hug is just confirmation that she feels superior.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. You may as well just say “I’m tired of being a man.” It’s your job to be “strong and stoic”dude.
> 2. As to the title of your post - you are not even remotely in charge of your relationship / marriage. Your wife is.
> And that is probably a huge part of why she doesn’t respect or desire you. Maintaining your own frame doesn’t mean pretending you don’t want sex from her, it means being clear about what you want/expect and what you will and will not tolerate.


1. Yes that's exactly what I am saying.

2. Agreed on all points. I am not good at asking for what I want. I do it, and I get some of what I want. But I'm tired of being the driver.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> No, I think OP is gone.
> Seems like he didn’t dig what we had to tell him, and can’t or doesn’t want to take an objective look at himself and his situation.
> 
> OP, prove me wrong. Everyone here really does want what’s best for you and want to help. You can improve your situation but you have a lot of work to do. I hope you reengage when you’re ready


Meh. My dog is dying, my wife is an emotional wreck as I've been being more direct, and now I have high BP. You all think too highly of yourselves. I come here when I need to chat. But hey thanks for caring.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

ManOfManyWords said:


> Hey that's a good question.
> 
> She's great fun. If I ever need a best friend to watch movies with, rally tennis balls, or travel around the world, we are super compatible and complimentary. I have ADHD and she's hyper logical and neurotypical, which means I do creative stuff and she does boring stuff.
> 
> But I didn't mean she doesn't respond well to being complimented only on her looks. She doesn't respond well to being complimented _at all_. Sure, she says thank you and gives big hug. But that hug is just confirmation that she feels superior.


She probably is superior, in some ways. its been pointed out I am probably adhd in this very forum and my wife puts up with a lot from my constant search for novelty and adventure. 

Its weird, I started getting all the sex when I stopped asking for it. I compliment her, but only when I really mean it now. I do my bit and please myself, she seems to like that, I like it too, because I'm happier. I just wish she could keep up with me, but I realise it is who she is.

So now I have my doggo buddy to go on adventures with. He's always up for going on an adventure, plus he's a great ice breaker too.

I think the point im making is love yourself first and get a dog


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> When you want to have sex, initiate in a short and direct manner and through completion. Every time. Don't start then cave when she says she doesn't want sex with you right now. It's not wholly her choice. (Negative slams here towards me for me saying that, I can live with that).
> 
> Make it come to a head. That may break through whatever real or perceived problems she thinks she has. Push it to get off dead center which will only get worse if unaddressed.


We did that for a few years. It was pretty terrible sex, but at least I got mine. When we have sex now it's an explosion of mutual desire and passion. Just.. only if I have played the game right.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

ManOfManyWords said:


> We did that for a few years. It was pretty terrible sex, but at least I got mine. When we have sex now it's an explosion of mutual desire and passion. Just.. only if I have played the game right.


A man having to play a game to get sex with his wife is displaying utter weakness.
I would never allow any one woman to control my access to sex.
As I'm married my wife gets first refusal of course.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ManOfManyWords said:


> 1. Yes that's exactly what I am saying.
> 
> 2. Agreed on all points. I am not good at asking for what I want. I do it, and I get some of what I want. But I'm tired of being the driver.





ManOfManyWords said:


> Meh. My dog is dying, my wife is an emotional wreck as I've been being more direct, and now I have high BP. You all think too highly of yourselves. I come here when I need to chat. But hey thanks for caring.


Sorry about your dog, that sucks.

So basically it sounds like you just want to be a victim, and you’d rather just complain and make excuses and rationalizations, rather than taking ownership to improve your situation.
Roger that. Good luck.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> She probably is superior, in some ways. its been pointed out I am probably adhd in this very forum and my wife puts up with a lot from my constant search for novelty and adventure.
> 
> Its weird, I started getting all the sex when I stopped asking for it. I compliment her, but only when I really mean it now. I do my bit and please myself, she seems to like that, I like it too, because I'm happier. I just wish she could keep up with me, but I realise it is who she is.
> 
> ...


I am not you.

We got a much bigger drive for adventure than I do. She's the bigger risk taker by far. That's why it's so hard for me to impress her. She's been everywhere and seen everything.


DudeInProgress said:


> Sorry about your dog, that sucks.
> 
> So basically it sounds like you just want to be a victim, and you’d rather just complain and make excuses and rationalizations, rather than taking ownership to improve your situation.
> Roger that. Good luck.


Wow so I set a boundary, that you're assuming too much about my absence, and your response is to assume even more about me, _and_ insult me.

Way to punish people for sharing! You really figured me out.

Thanks for exposing yourself, now I know I don't need to pay attention to anything you say.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

hplove said:


> I would check out dads starting over, the name of the book is dead bedroom fix.


Fantastic advice, even though I wasn't asking for any, I needed some.

Bought it. Read it. Changed a few things.

1. I haven't been emphasizing my own appearance. I let myself go in the pandemic. Stopped wearing nice clothes. Put on a few pounds. Less frequent haircuts. It wasn't drastic, but she knows me well enough to know what I can be, and I wasn't that. Started watching my late night eating and I have been wearing actual pants every day. Turns out she likes slapping my butt when it's tighter and in jeans more than gushy and in sweatpants.

2. I had been pretty anxious about things through the pandemic as well. So much so that my BP had shot up and my doctor was concerned. I am not anymore though, feeling pretty good actually. But I didn't really change my behaviors back. This included being flirty and sexual all the time. It was like finding an old shirt in my closet, putting it back on, and immediately she was biting her lip and saying "Wow, you look just like when we got married." Two days of walking head held high and giving her push/pull tease/compliments and she was jumping my bones.

3. I forgot that I have been divorced once, and I can do it again. I really don't want to. I love my wife, she's great. But I don't have to put up with **** I don't like.

Who knows if it will "work" long term. But, the book has definitely helped give me some things to focus on, and exposed a few things I was faking, instead of just doing.

Bravo.
👏


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> 2) No sex,
> miss out on a payment on the 2 houses and 2 cars, *whenever I miss out on paying bills or can't afford to give her housekeeping money, mine gets much more interested in sex.*


what a REMARKABLE coincidence!


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

An opportunity to mention the “Hot-Crazy Matrix. What You Need To Know About Women” on Youtube.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If it makes you feel any better, Megan Trainor put two toilets in her bathroom so her husband can go to the bathroom with her. 

Megan Trainor fully dressed is an unappealing sight, can only imagine what it's like seeing her with her pants down taking a dump. The grass isn't much greener for guys with ugly women.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ManOfManyWords said:


> Fantastic advice, even though I wasn't asking for any, I needed some.
> 
> Bought it. Read it. Changed a few things.
> 
> ...


I love it when something actually works. You started focusing on yourself and what you can fix, and it worked. Kudos!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I have 2 bits of advice (which will be less than popular).
> 1) Nagging,
> buy some ear buds, wear them when she's in that mood, you don't even need to listen to music, just nod your head up and down as if you are.
> 
> ...


So you're basically saying yours is a low-level prostitute who is only motivated by money?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So you're basically saying yours is a low-level prostitute who is only motivated by money?


Im not sure he says anything on here at the moment. But yes, given who it is I am pretty sure that's what he was saying.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

uphillbattle said:


> Im not sure he says anything on here at the moment. But yes, given who it is I am pretty sure that's what he was saying.


Ah, well, good to know none of it was even true.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Ah, well, good to know none of it was even true.


He get caught some how?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

uphillbattle said:


> He get caught some how?


Dunno.


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