# Marriage breakup because lack of enough sex?



## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

Hello everyone. I would like to tell my story best as possible. I'll be 30 next month and my wife is 36. We have three beautiful toddlers and her nine year old which I know since he was only 18 months. I have a serious sex problem. I'm addicted to it. I need it every day whereas my wife doesn't. If it was to her we'll do it twice a week which I know it's the normal thing especially with four kids. My wife is the best! I love her and she's a good wife and even better mother. I'm lucky to have her. Problem is in the sex department I'm not satisfied. For instance, the other Saturday morning we had sex and I wanted a second round which she didn't. We got into a big argument and things are getting bad. We have several other issues like finances but it's funny that we really fight for the least important one, sex. Whenever I want to have sex and she doesn't all these questions pop up in my head. Is she cheating? Am I still attractive to her? Knowing she's older, has she had enough sex in her life that she doesn't need it like me? I just don't know what to do. My kids, my wife and my house edge is the most important thing for me but sex is also important for me. I don't want to cheat which I can do to release but I know that's wrong and I'm not that type of guy. I really need help but I can't pay $80 per visit to see my therapist. I'm really torn apart! She works full time and we have four kids and she cooks. She's amazing but I have my needs... Please any helpful words will be encouraging


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Marriage breakup because lack of enough sex?*



Mavash. said:


> THREE toddlers? Holy crap. And she works full time? And cooks? And still has energy for sex twice a week?
> 
> I think you are luckier than you realize.


I know that's what I tell myself but my little head down there doesn't get it...!!!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Your wife sounds like a great lady. This addiction you say you have is something that is important that needs to be addressed though. You need to call around to therapists who take insurance and see what can be worked out. You may need to pay a co-pay every time you go, but its better than paying in full.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Grow-up man, most men would tell you your life s great.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I would almost kill for twice a week. Go in the bathroom and rub one out if need be. Don't ruin a good thing simply because of an urge.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

You DON'T "need" to have sex WITH your wife (or anyone else for that matter!) in order to have a "release". 

God gave you two hands. I suggest you use ONE of them...

Vega


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> You DON'T "need" to have sex WITH your wife (or anyone else for that matter!) in order to have a "release".
> 
> God gave you two hands. I suggest you use ONE of them...
> 
> Vega



Sex was much more than just a release
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Get therapy! Its worth the money!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Four kids? Consider it a miracle that she still opens her legs for you twice a week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

305rob305 said:


> I know that's what I tell myself but my little head down there doesn't get it...!!!


Stroke the little head until he feels better. Tell him it will be ok. Don't worry.


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## mftucson (Sep 15, 2013)

i saw all the others saying you need to change. im not here to tell you the same thing i feel the same way you do we have four children 8,1,3,3. i do help my wife cook she dose have a full tym job i go to school full tym and do home job auto work and home repair. and our sex life has gone from oftten to every few days and i have to ask for it and have to ask for oral. i knw how your are feeling best i can say is tryu and help her out more and see what happens hope it works for you im not shure about me but good luck she sounds like a gud wife from what your saying


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Marriage breakup because lack of enough sex?*



mftucson said:


> i saw all the others saying you need to change. im not here to tell you the same thing i feel the same way you do we have four children 8,1,3,3. i do help my wife cook she dose have a full tym job i go to school full tym and do home job auto work and home repair. and our sex life has gone from oftten to every few days and i have to ask for it and have to ask for oral. i knw how your are feeling best i can say is tryu and help her out more and see what happens hope it works for you im not shure about me but good luck she sounds like a gud wife from what your saying


Yes, I will help her out more. She does sometimes complain that I don't help her enough even though I have my plate full as well. About the sex, I just don't want her to think that we need to have it when She's OK with. I want to feel wanted as well.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Sex was much more than just a release


Yeah, I'm always mystified that this even needs to be pointed out.

Put another way, imagine your spouse had some disease or injury, or just had to be physically distant, and said, "Because of this, we can't have sex for (some amount of time), and this is torture for me and I miss it so much, and think of you continuously." (and meant it!) I bet most of the complaining people could deal with that just fine. It's when your spouse communicates that you and your desire for sex isn't even worthy being inconvenienced with that it stings.

I'm guessing that for the OP, the problem is he reacts to tough times by wanting more sex, while his wife reacts to the tough times by wanting less.

And 305rob305, do spend some time reading about other people's problems on these forums. You may discover, as did I, that your own problems aren't all that bad, by comparison.

And as far as that wanting sex every day "addiction," I bet you think you need food and water every day, and even to be otherwise treated kindly every day, too, you perv!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

305rob305 said:


> Yes, I will help her out more. She does sometimes complain that I don't help her enough even though I have my plate full as well. About the sex, I just don't want her to think that we need to have it when She's OK with. I want to feel wanted as well.


You say that you need to help her out more. Does this mean that she does most of the child care and domestic chores in the house?

Do both of you put in equal hours between work, doing things at home and caring for your children? IF not, maybe she's just more tired than you are.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things, just the two of you with no children around?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Wow, your wife is a SAINT! You would be best to stay in this marriage for many reasons....divorce is ugly (been thru it), doesn't mean life with someone else will be different and in time you will get tired of being alone. Divorce, step parents, new siblings are all very hard on the children (I have lived it). Someone who is great now will have lots of hurts feelings over a divorce and that clouds everything between the two of you.

Where you need to start is with yourself. My ex had to have sex several times a day, he too was a sex addict. Do yourself a BIG favor and seek counselor for yourself. My ex has reaped damage in every relationship he has had because of his sex addiction. And what a terrible example to set as a father....our children are adults and very well aware of the problems. You think the kids have respect for this man? Think about what you are doing.

Not only do I suggest therapy for you but I also suggest a couple books so you can understand the needs of your wife. While you are daydreaming about your hormones and preoccupied with your own desires your wife has put everything else (besides sex) be her priority to care for which is obvious you are oblivious to. If you spent did even half the work she was doing around the house, with the kids and all the running of appts and shopping obligations perhaps you would not have quite the energy either for your desires.

Both of these books are great if you actually apply yourself and try to understand your wife from her point of view, the way her brain is wired and how she thinks and feels....."Fall in Love Stay in Love " by Willard Harley and " How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It" By Paticia Love.


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## 28down (Feb 26, 2013)

"She's amazing but I have my needs..." "I want to feel wanted as well." I think if you read your posts you would see the problem. and as posted, you are luckier than most..but I guess just not lucky enough. I think if you concentrated on her needs with no strings attached you would find yourself luckier!! full time job, 4 kids, and she cooks, plus sex twice a week, ...you should dump her Count your blessings, name them one by one!!


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## Lovebeingmarried (Sep 16, 2013)

Well, i can't promise you she is not chearing, but i always wonder why ppl go to that reason. We have been married over 20 years and a good half of that I can fit your wife's shoes. 

I read tis post this morning from a few yrs ago. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/26794-wife-not-interested-sex-anymore.html. I was looking for some wives tales to explain why sex is so dull and dry and painful but got this link. Reading it made me realize it is a common problem at has no solution for some pretty good reasons.

First, let me say I have never cheated. My husband is the only man i have ever been with and the only p3nis that has ever touched me, seen in person, ect. I have no intentions of sleeping with anyone else.

Second, i am not interested in women, at all.

Third, the whole Love but not in love with is quite an offensive line to me that society has grasped and run with and for very poor reasons. A long term marriage will cross over and back again and again on this line. It is not the end all. The spouse using it is a fool if they feel they ALWAYS will be IN love with eir spose for the entire marriage. Crazy expectation! 

I would die for my husband. I would give body parts for him. I love that he is the father of my children and that we share in providing for our house and family. I don not imagine life without him, but I will be honest, I have thought about it. To not is crazy and a lot of pressure. 

This post above has husband listing his marital problems after kids: 
- not feeling loved by her
- lack of sex
- no desire to do things with me
- friends seem to be more important than me
- she's more responsive to everyone else
- I'm not a priority in her life


She states:
- she told me she loves me because I'm the father of our kids
- she fears talking to me because of how I may respond
- I still talk down to her
- I'm still controlling over her
- sex is the LAST thing on her mind
- she needs space
- she is not sure what she wants

After 20+ yrs of marriage and being on lots of help boards, i realize that women characteristically feel this way becuase men don't want to hear the real reasons.

I love my husband and adore him becuase he is the father of my kids...yup

I fear my husband will take my truths and manipulate me with them because he things his needs and emotions should be mine. For instance, i could go rest of my marriage with hardly any sex...not because i am no longer in love with him but becuase menopause is starting and my body doesnt want it anymore. Not meaning to be tmi but i was a little excited and a little wet this morning so i advanced and he went right for the goal. Aout 20 sec in, my wet went dry, it hurt and i could not wait for him to be done. But the biggest thing, to my surprise, that i got out of that was that while stuff was a bit wet and he thoug that was "the go" there was no excitement to it. It would be like a man trying to enter without the swelling and he is just painfully pounding it into a pancake. It makes me feel very bad for all the women whose men buy lubricant thinking that is the solution
For their sex problems. Forced wet does not mean sxually interested.

If i behave in my house the qay that makes me feel free, horny, and wanting my husband, HE is no longer interested in me...as I have become too independent, too busy with my own hobbies, etc. 

How about you come home from work and take on the kids and chores 80-100% for one week. Lt her have a break and refresh. I know when our kids were small, while we had sex, i planned laundry in my head, thought of kid safety in my head, my next days chores, ect. I absolutely could not mentally find my husband over my assigned work load.

Don't do it and then tell her how it was nothing for you, so why can't she handle it...turn off and demeaning.
Don't help like a babysitter, help like a parent. My husband used to pride himself instaying with the kids while i went bike riding or hiking, etc, but i learned he invested less time in our kids while i was out an a 15 yo would. They would get oathetic lunch and be sent to their room or outside to play or sit while he spent the afternoon on the computer or massaging the remote. ....Not attractive and actually makes me feel like hubby doesn't value our family and sees what i do the same as he was doing.  Did he really think i just sat and checked in on them all day? Tach them something. Bond with them. Get super close and loving with your kids....TAHT is security that turns into BIG hormones. But we can sense when you do it sincerely vs checking a list off to get laid. More to come later.


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## LoveBeingFemale (Nov 5, 2012)

I should add, keep trying to help her with more things around the house, as others have suggested. Help with those toddlers to help take some of the workload off of her. Having three toddlers is immensely time-consuming and that leaves little time for other stuff. Flowers also do wonders!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You say you want to feel wanted, but when you demand sex 3 times more than your wife wants it you don't give her much of a chance to miss or desire you. Also, if you're not doing you part around the house and with the kids, then on top of that you sit aound whining about your needs, you become a fifth child instead of a partner. That is not attractive. Spend a little more time thinking about HER needs and you may become a more attractive partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You weren't guaranteed a specific number of sexual encounters when you married. She's quite admirably taking care of your reasonable sexual needs. I'm a guy and a natural horn dog, too. I'd knock boots 10 times a day if I could. My "little head" isn't in charge. You have four kids to consider. Drop to your knees, thank the Good Lord that you are so blessed. Twice a week looks like nookie heaven to a whole bunch of husbands.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bestyet2be said:


> I'm guessing that for the OP, the problem is he reacts to tough times by wanting more sex, while his wife reacts to the tough times by wanting less.


 He likely has a *Dependent Libido type*...(Sex relieves stress- see below)...can take a test here *>*

Identifying Your Libido Type

There is a book that explains all of these... to help you & your spouse find a meeting ground....

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  ...

also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...



....I felt like this at age 42...it was very overpowering ... even a little tormenting... toys just wasn't the same...it was something new that came over me, so not a life long issue (thank God!)... 

In my case, I literally lived around his schedule - I'd JUMP any time day or night when he would be able.....and fine tuned my lover skills to turn him on.....and I went out of my way to make his life as comfortable as I possibly could so he wasn't stressed... I seemed to have an abundance of energy, likely due to some testosterone surge. 

So if you want a little more sex, think in terms like this, you need to JUMP to help her around the house, with the children....help with the cooking.. knock yourself out to alleviate her - so she has more free time to devote to her amazing husband (as she will be seeing you MORE in this light, how could she not)..... and in this, you may even get another romp or 2 during the week...

Worth a Go... but it starts at your end as well.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I am not sure, wanting/needing to have sex everyday makes you an addict. 
I am sure she would be more willing if she had help, she has her hands full.


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

OK, after a few weeks of starting this post I would like catch up on things. 
I have followed your advice and anytime that I can I have helped my wife with home chores. It's tough because we have 4 kids but we Need to manage it. I have withdrawn like 70 percent from asking her for sex. We concluded that we need to be natural and just have sex when we want to and not make it a must like I used to. Pretty much like twice a week....

OK, this is how I feel:
Since we have such a busy schedule like work and chores at home with 4 kids and me going part time to school, plus now less sex, I have have a feeling we are drifting apart. Maybe that sex was keeping us closer by having "us" time, but now that even that has gone it's even less time we have for each other. 
I can't say I see her drifting on her part but I do see somewhat of a change. Maybe it's my my head but maybe it's not. Suggestions?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You need quality time alone with her, it's good that you are picking up on the drifting apart. Make sure you both communicate your love for each other daily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Marriage breakup because lack of enough sex?*



mablenc said:


> You need quality time alone with her, it's good that you are picking up on the drifting apart. Make sure you both communicate your love for each other daily.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. We are going on a weekend cruise in two weeks for my 30th birthday. We are both excited for the trip so that's a good thing. Kids are staying with grandparents...!!!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

305rob305 said:


> OK, this is how I feel:
> Since we have such a busy schedule like work and chores at home with 4 kids and me going part time to school, plus now less sex, I have have a feeling we are drifting apart. Maybe that sex was keeping us closer by having "us" time, but now that even that has gone it's even less time we have for each other.
> I can't say I see her drifting on her part but I do see somewhat of a change. Maybe it's my my head but maybe it's not. Suggestions?


It's fairly common that sex is how men feel loved, while many women do not feel loved through sex. My guess is that the sex was making you feel close to your wife. Now that you're having less sex, you feel less loved - "drifting apart" as you said. It's likely, though, that your wife feels exactly as she did when you were having more sex. That is to say, she didn't feel closer with sex and doesn't feel less close without it. Because sex is not how she feels loved.

You need sex to feel that emotional connection, but your wife may need something else to feel that with you. The two of you need to figure out what your needs are and communicate them to one another. I recommend the book _His Needs, Her Needs _by Dr. Willard Harley. It does a good job of explaining the basic emotional needs common to all people and how those needs can differ in importance for men and women.


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## sapphire1 (Sep 24, 2013)

You have a great woman for sure. Think twice (or three or four times) about leaving your marriage.

Important: Have a REAL conversation with her about your needs.
I'm talking a sit-down, this is important, no-kids around, adult conversation. Arguing, and snip side-comments are NOT communicating. Someone's either being emotional, angry or defensive. Be honest with your feelings and the situation (obviously don't mention cheating or break-up), if there's ONE person you can do this with, it's with your wife. Tell her to hear you out before she reacts. She may not agree with you and that's ok, you're talking about it. It also takes a couple days for these types of conversations to marinate in our brains, so her initial reaction will probably not be her final one. You're going to have to decide on something realistic, not a "I need sex everyday"...more like, what can "we" do...or what can "I" do....to have more sex.... 

Considering all the elements in your lives, I would say it's unrealistic for you to expect sex everyday. You're going to have to let that leave your head. I'm sure there are plenty of resources/books out there that help with adults view of sex (not saying you have a sex addiction, but that could be a read because you never know what you could learn!). I see nothing wrong with a therapist, even once a month, if it helps. A therapist could probably also recommend great resources. 

Sex is a very emotional thing for us women, and if we are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, sad, angry, etc it tends to slow down our sex drive. I think I saw somewhere you said she was asking for more help with something. If there's ANYTHING that you can realistically do for that makes her happy or makes her feel like she has a partner in her hubby, I would say do it. You may feel like you do enough on your end around the house (and I'm sure you do plenty), but put in that extra 15-30 mins of help - why not? And...this is just me....if my S/O were to do something like that I would love for him to give an affectionate little neck kiss and let me know it's done. So I know he did it just for me.

Make sure you're being both physically and emotionally affectionate, we love a good build-up to sex. And be ROMANTIC, don't forget the little gifts you used to give us in the beginning of the relationship, or the little back-rubs, hand-holding, compliments, etc. Get downright cheesy...who cares.

I know I'm talking about all the things YOU need to do, but when it comes down to it, you are the one having the problem. Probably as far as she is concerned everything is OK. You have to try everything you can possibly do to make your marriage better, because having the thoughts you are having is NOT a good sign. Nip it at the bud....do the work with optimism and full intent on making things better. Don't forget to have that convo. Give it time, it's not an overnight fix.

Now, if she's not at least open to compromising about the sex life even a little bit (even just 3 times a week instead of 2), then you may have an issue, and would require a new thread.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Sapphire*
> Now, if she's not at least open to compromising about the sex life even a little bit (even just 3 times a week instead of 2), then you may have an issue, and would require a new thread.


Good thought and comment Sapphire!!


I would add this. OP listen to the ladies, do everything you can to show your wife that you appreciate her. If you give it all you got then I think she would be willing to go 4 times a week.

Let us look at this 4 times a week compromise. Most men I know take about 5-15 minutes (some take less than 5 minutes) to finish a sex event with their wives. That would mean that 4 times a week = one hour at the most. If you give her 2-3-4 hours of your time to help her anyway she wants your help, I doubt that she would object to 4 times a week.

As Sapphire said, if she objects then there are other issues to deal with.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

I'm not interested in sex that lasts 5 - 15 minutes. It makes me feel like a *****.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree with Sapphire: do not expect a quick fix. If you have made changes in the hope she will change too, she may well want to wait a while to see if you persevere. She may want to be assured that your changes are going to last.

Best wishes.


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