# Learning to be by myself, hobbies and getting in shape.. Need some real help please..



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I've been trying to play off that being alone is okay.. But its not.. It is really painful for me.. Mind you I have 2 boys that I have physical custody of.. So I know some are like WTF is this guy crying about..

But it just isn't the same if you can grasp what I'm saying.. I put on a happy face for the kids, but I'm literally just waiting for the day to end so I can go to sleep.. 

I just never been alone and as such I am just not built for this.. I'm intelligent enough to grasp I need to learn how to do this for me and the sake of my kids.. But it's very hard and I feel alone.. I'm not comfortable with my own skin.. 

I always have been heavy set, obese, very fat.. 

My ex wife affair back in 2012 and subsequent divorce blessed me with a loss of 85 LBS in a matter of months.. I think I lost 50 LBS in 3 months.. I went down to 232-235.. I creeped up to 245-247.. 

The depression I am in now after another break up with my last GF has wonderfully suppressed my appetite, so I lost a few pounds.. 

I jumped onto a OLD site and after getting what feels my balls kicked in (yes I know it's a numbers game) and I realized when looking at some womans profiles they seemed to have many hobbies which including working out.. 

What I realized is I really don't have any hobbies.. 
I don't work out and I know I should.

I don't do yoga and I should because I have a bad back and I was told it helps strengthening your core which helps your back.

I realize that if I got in shape I would attract a larger range of woman.. Nutshell there is nothing bad in working out..

So I am just sitting around in my house.. When I was dating I was busy dating.. Meeting up with the GF taken care of stuff for each other.. ETC.. Doing couples stuff.. 

I'm intelligent to realize what is going on. I realize I need to get a grasp on this and I am trying but it's just hard dealing with.

I realized yesterday when I crashed down at therapy I needed to do something.. I needed to dig myself out of this fvcking hole I put myself in.. 

It's just so crazy how I am the happiest man in the world ( for the most part ) when I am with someone and I fall apart like this when I am alone.. 

I'm sort of the odd guy that actually likes running on a treadmill.. 
I have a gym not far from my home call planet fitness. Its like 10 dollars a month and the weights only go up to 50 LBS.. Which is fine by me.. 

My thought was to start running, which I did 20+ years ago. But I feel a bit intimidated about going in.. 

Today I plan on buying some real cross training sneakers and paying for the gym.. 

I am going to look up the couch to 5k online someone told me about as well. 

But has anyone here gone through this that can kindly give me some insight.. 
I feel like a little helpless kid with these emotions right now.. 

The therapist asked me 2 things. If I would consider meds and if I was considering suicide.. I told him no to both.. 

I feel I need to tough it out and I need to learn how to deal with this, without meds.. And I am not considering suicide regardless how sad or lonely I might feel.. 

Anything would be great.. Thanks in advance


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

I feel your pain... but... not quite sure if there's a question in there.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Constable Odo said:


> I feel your pain... but... not quite sure if there's a question in there.


How did someone learn to cope to be alone.
How did they learn to become comfortable in their own skin.. 

How did they start working out if they never did or haven't in a LONG time.. 

Many times it's just general advice, but sometimes someone drops a gold nugget of insight.. That "Oh, ****" thats ME ! moment.. 




intheory said:


> hardtohandle,
> 
> You *do* sound depressed. Has your dr./counselor suggested anti-depressants?
> 
> ...


Thank you..


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Try 5-HTP for the sad moods. The book "The Mood Cure" details a lot of excellent inexpensive safe easy natural treatments for depression, anxiety, sugar cravings, etc. 5-HTP is an amino acid and thus is totally safe to take. 5mg mid afternoon, and then again mid evening. If after a week you have no improvement, double the dose to 10 mg. 5-HTP naturally boosts and rebalances your brain chemistry. It is proven to work in studies, and is recommended by many psychologists.

For fitness, try micro-workouts. Several times per day do a quick workout. Pump out a set of pushups on the bathroom floor every time after you use the toilet. Do a set of sit ups, too. Have a chinup bar in a doorway, and every time you pass it do a set of chinups. 

The book "The Multifidous Back Pain Solution" might help your bad back. Basically you need to work the little muscles all up your spine. The only way to do that is by exercise, because normal activities just don't work those muscles. Anything which curls your spine backwards will help. The "Superman" is an example. Lie on your stomach with your arms outstretched ahead of you as if you are Superman flying through the air. Now lift your hands and your feet off the ground so your back is arched. Any exercise which works those muscles will help. On your hands and knees, lift one leg straight back as if you're a horse kicking someone behind you. Or raise one hand and the opposite leg from being on your hands and knees.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

If you can afford a personal trainer, get one and lift weights, work towards heavy weights. Building muscle mass is probably as important to you as cardio, if not more. Plus, the ladies dig arms....

Also, find a hobby you can enjoy w/kids. Fishing, geo caching, whatever, just get outside and do stuff....


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

How old are your boys? Rather than a place life Planet Fitness, I would recommend you look into joining your local YMCA. They will have programs available for everyone's age group. If your sons are teens then you guys can work out together, join a martial arts class, learn racquetball, etc. Make it a family thing. Its really important you set a better example for them. Right now they see you not valuing your health or appearance. Without a change by you they may grow up to have the same struggles you have. You don't want that to happen to them. Besides if money is tight the Y's typically have sliding scale fees for single parents like you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm sorry you're hurting. I've been there. Several times. I do better when I'm with someone. I feel better when someone special is in my life. 

Good on you for getting in shape. The endorphins will make you feel better. I'm a firm believer in that. And the Breakup Diet is brutal but effective. :grin2:

Your plan to join the gym is a good one. Just go in and hop on that treadmill! Blast some of your favorite music in your earbuds and go balls to the wall.

Do you have pets? Would getting a dog complicate your life? There's lots that need rescuing, and I think it'd be good for the kids. 

Because you'd have to walk him/her daily-that would force you to get exercise if you're not feeling it.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I get it. I understand. 

My best wishes to you.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

As one who has fought being overweight his entire life, here's what I do...

1. Eat clean, healthy foods. Never any processed crap. Everything from scratch. If you are prone to being overweight, try to eliminate or at least minimize intake of simple carbs (sugars) and saturated fats.

2. Cardio...Start out slowly and build up. When I began running, I couldn't run 1/4 mile. Today, I run half marathons every month or two and I train by running 20-30 miles per week.

3. Lift hard, lift heavy...Most compound lifts, and like @naiveonedave stated...many women do like a nice set of "guns" 

By doing this regimen of mine, I lost 45lbs in 3 months back in 2010. I've maintained a 13% body fat composition I test via hydrostatic every year) ever since then.

This works wonders for your overall attitude and well being. HTH


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree with intheory, you do sound depressed. Lifestyle changes and therapy will help with that. However, if it's severe or long-term, taking something for your depression might be the best route for you, even if you're only on the meds temporarily. I'm not pushing you to take an anti-depressant. I'm just saying that you shouldn't let yourself continue to spiral downward if a few weeks or months on an anti-depressant could help you stabilize enough to get the most from your exercise and therapy.

And do keep seeing a therapist. You seem to need to work on improving your self-esteem. People with healthy self-esteem might still really prefer having a partner (as I do), but they don't _need_ a partner to complete them. You'll also come to realize both members of a couple tend to have an approximately equal level of overall emotional health. Healthy people don't stay (long term) with people with major issues. If you get healthy yourself, you won't want or need to put up with "crazy" from your partner. But to find and keep an emotionally healthy and relationship-capable woman, you've got to be an emotionally healthy and relationship-capable man.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> As one who has fought being overweight his entire life, here's what I do...
> 
> 1. Eat clean, healthy foods. Never any processed crap. Everything from scratch. If you are prone to being overweight, try to eliminate or at least minimize intake of simple carbs (sugars) and saturated fats.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Start off small in exercising. Best to get outside if you can for walks or runs. The fresh air and sunshine is better than an indoor gym. Also, you mentioned being somewhat intimidated at the gym so this is a way to avoid that while building up your confidence. 

Try some meetup groups. I've not an overly social person (introvert by nature) but I learned how to paddle board and play texas hold em poker, among other things. And, of course, met some interesting people. Just gets you out of the house meeting other people who just want to get out of their house 

Try to stay away from the meds if you can. I don't think you're clinically depressed (of course only a doctor can tell you this), just lonely and sad. Anti depressants just numb everything. So you don't feel life's highs either. Ad you usually gain weight and have less energy. Not the direction you want to take. Also, keep in mind there can be mild-severe withdrawals involved in getting off those pills (Been there and no other who have been there).


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I've done Couch to 5K. I like it. 

My advice - stick to the Planet Fitness plan. That will be good for you. I hate gyms, so I get it! But, it will be good for you.

Also, sign up for a 5K with a friend. It will give you something to train for/look forward to. Do one around October so you have time to get ready for it. And if you sign up with a friend you'll be less likely to back out of it!


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> 3. Lift hard, lift heavy...Most compound lifts, and like @naiveonedave stated...many women do like a nice set of "guns"


Chicks also dig Daryl Dixon. Another upside of lifting is your forearms will eventually be huge enough to have an enormous Daryl tat. Maybe even one on each arm.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Dear OP, how do you feel about reading?

I asked because when faced by a challenge such as you're facing now, I find that instructional books (the right kind) can be a great motivational tool in order to get started, and can help put you in the right mindset to succeed. If your mind isn't in the right place, you won't keep up with the positive changes you need to make to reach your goals. I'm a big fan of _Body-for-Life for Women_, which obviously wouldn't apply to you, but my understanding is that book is really just a derivative of _Body for Life_. So I would recommend checking that out. 

Prepare yourself emotionally and mentally to get through the first couple weeks; once you establish these habits, the healthier diet and exercise endorphins should help boost your mood, and once you start seeing changes in your body, that will help keep you motivated.

A couple of notes for you as you move forward:

--Small steps/changes done consistently over an extended period of time can produce big results. Park your car further away from the store entrance. Walk up the escalator instead of standing, or take the stairs instead of the elevator. Drink soda or other sugary drinks? Substitute water--you can infuse it with fruit if you want some flavor. (But don't drink diet soda, or if you do, only use it as an occasional treat.)

--Cardio is good, but cardio with weight training is MUCH better. If you stick to just cardio, you'll burn both muscle and fat, which is no good. Weight training will help develop your muscles, which will actually help you burn MORE fat and will give your body more definition.

--You're going to fall off the wagon at some point. That's OK, you're only human. Don't let it ruin your day or invalidate all the hard work you've done. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and get back up on that horse.

--Start small and work your way up. Don't go balls to the wall from the get-go, or you'll flame out. Build up incrementally. Everyone has to start somewhere. 

--Losing weight won't magically fix everything. Life won't all of a sudden be completely different. Whether you're in shape or fat, you're still you--losing weight won't make the problems go away. So keep seeing your therapist, and keep doing the emotional work, too.

Good luck!!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> Chicks also dig Daryl Dixon. Another upside of lifting is your forearms will eventually be huge enough to have an enormous Daryl tat. Maybe even one on each arm.


We do not all dig Daryl Dixon. I do not find him attractive AT ALL.

(My apologies if Daryl Dixon just happens to be on TAM and reads this. To Daryl Dixon: I'm sure you're a very nice man. You're just not my cup of tea.)


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> My thought was to start running, which I did 20+ years ago. But I feel a bit intimidated about going in..


For aerobics, ride a bike often (something you can do with your kids at first) and walk fast. If you try to run again for the first time in years, carrying extra weight, you will soon have Tendonitis in your knees. 

Give yourself a deadline (maybe two months) to get in shape and feel better about yourself, then attend three different meet-up groups.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

yeah, I agree that running is probably not optimal for you.

Priority #1 would be diet. 

Start counting calories. Use a free tracker like myfitnesspal. Figure out what your baseline calorie intake would be if you were only maitaining your current weight. For most men, it would probably be between 2200 and 2500 calories per day. If you're not sure, aim for the low end of that as maintenance calories. 

Then, you need to reduce your daily caloric intake by 200-500 calories per day. I would start on the lower end. The key is sustainability. You need to lose weight gradually. It needs to be a lifestyle change, not a quick fix. The longer you can keep it up the more natural it will be.

Next is exercise.

Focus on weight training. This will do the most to raise your metabolism. Do this every other day. On the in between days, do cardio. Walking would probably be best. Do this outside. 

For weights, stick to compound, multi-joint movements: squats, deadlifts, presses, pulling movements. You can use barbells, dumbells-- whatever is available. 

Use the most weight you can handle with good form. Pick 3 exercises per workout and hit them hard: 1 lower body (squat or deadlift), 1 upper body push and 1 upper body pull. 

Do 5 sets of 5 reps for each exercise. Always be trying at each workout to do slightly better than the last workout-- slightly more weight, better form or add an extra rep in at the end. Doing slightly better each time will give you a sense of accomplishment each time that will keep you coming back for more.

Make it a promise to yourself that you will stay on your diet for 6 months and stay on weight training 3x per week for 6 months. I guarantee you if you make it this far you will be on course to getting in great shape and will have established positive habits that will make a huge difference in your physical and mental well being.

good luck


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Good for you for identifying the problem AND the solution!

You have to be good by yourself before you can be good for anyone else. Stop looking at women - don't even think about asking one out until weeks can go by and they are full and happy and you are content having no plans. THEN you'll know your life is ready for someone else - then you'll make a better choice because you're no longer looking to fill a void.

I really liked PF. I went for YEARS. I found that there were a few hard bodies that couldn't afford a bigger gym but mostly it was average people who were trying to get fit. There were older people who just walked the treadmills and chubby people sweating it up on the bikes.

For starters I liked the 30 minute circuit because I could mix in some cardio and some strength. Eventually with some guidance from here, I started doing cardio 5x a week and strength 3. I signed up for a 5K with a friend but could only walk it (and I was surprised I couldn't run it - I just assumed I had improved THAT much! LOL) so we said we'd do it again this year. Not there yet but still working.

It took a lot of years to get past that point where you are - the lonely part. But I agree with meet ups - there are active ones to make exercise fun and social ones just to meet new people, including same sex friends. Remember, you are setting an example for your children - don't serve them pizza and you try to have a salad. Instead focus on making lots of foods you all can enjoy that are healthy. Do active things with the kids - take them to parks and for bike rides, etc. You won't be crying and moping around in front of them that way.

Nothing happens over night - not healing from divorce OR getting in shape. It's all a journey.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Be busy. Sounds basic, but it will help. Develop a mantra that fits for your goals. 

Depending on your schedule, the first chance you get in the morning, go run, jog, whatever you can. Start with 10 minutes. "I'm going out for 10 minutes, and I'll run as much as I can". Nobody gives a crap how you look doing it. In no time you'll be blasting thru that 10 minute thing. When you hit 20 minutes, you're doing good. Then, start trying to cover a little more ground in that 20 minutes.

Lifting is always a good thing for a man. You always feel better when you can see muscle. Huge ego boost. If you're not up on the basics, look at Youtube, a book, or get a few tips from a trainer. You'll be amazed.

Assuming you live in town, get out in that yard and sweat. Keep it neat. Dig, plant, trim, just sweat. Or, buy a farm, and you'll be so busy you'll never have down time.

Sitting around with the kids for an hour a night should be your reward, not routine.

One more thing. Don't eat ice cream or chips at all. I've never been overweight, and thought I was fit. I ate anything I wanted, and it never looked like I had a bit of fat on me. About 20 years ago I had a body fat thing done. I was shocked that my fat content was way higher than I would have thought. I gave up ice cream and chips for several months, and it dropped like crazy. I know that sounds simplistic, but those two foods are scarfed and abused by most men, I think.

Good luck. Get those boys out camping, swimming, climbing. Have some adventures. You only get one chance.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

If you can afford it try to find a specialty gym, not some generalist gym everybody and their mother belongs to gym. 

Places with only group classes and one on one training sessions are going to get you much better results than a Globo gym. Other classes like cardio boxing or spinning would hit it for you as well.

Running has its benefits but for a larger man you do risk more knee injuries from this so be careful! Couch to 5k is supposed to be good and their are lots of local fun runs you can get into.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> We do not all dig Daryl Dixon. I do not find him attractive AT ALL.


You're an anomaly. Chicks not only dig the aloof, alpha male Daryl is, they go especially ga-ga over men who have Daryl tattooed on their forearms...










The OP can score major trim by obtaining the above tattoo. 

Nothing makes you feel better and is a great ego boost than a great romp in the sack with a hottie.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> Nothing makes you feel better and is a great ego boost than a great romp in the sack with a hottie.


I wholeheartedly concur. What's that saying? Sometimes to get over, you have to get under. > I have tested this theory and it's true.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks all

I live in the NYC area.. 

I'm just going through some emotional times.. 

I'm retiring from one job of 25 years and getting a new one.. Just a bit nervous about that.. 

Trying to get some work done on the house.. Needs about 30k or a bit more worth of work.

Add in being alone, it just feels a bit heavy on me ATM..

I should be happy.. I have the world by the balls.. 

I just weighed myself and I'm 240 after eating.. So I know it will be much less in the morning.. I want to get down to 225..

Right now I walk down from the water to 1 Police Plaza and then up 4 flights of steps to the 4th floor.. I walk down for lunch and back up and even going to the bathroom I walk up 2 or 3 flights just to walk.. 

I'm just so much better when I have someone in my corner.. 

If I can do some running I think that is what will keep me steady with my weight.. 

My biggest worry is my back.. Its been very good since the weight loss though. .. But if I strain it I feel it and I get nervous.. When my back goes out I cannot even put on socks or underwear.. 

Just many life changing things in my life right now and I'm buckling..

I think another part is I now look at myself warped.. Its like I gain 5 lbs and I just see the 315 LBS Guy in the mirror.. It just puts me in a panic.. I just don't ever want to go there again.. 

And yes I want to stick it to my Ex wife.. I do want her to see that I am physically better without her.. Granted we don't see each other at all.. 

The only time I see her is in family court for child support hearings *( I am trying to get the judge to impute her because she doesn't want to work more than 10 hours a week )*, other than that we don't talk or anything.. 

I'm just a big puzzy when it comes to things involving relationships.. I'm just so square and old fashioned.. I need to get run over by a woman before I figure it out.. Whereas other men realize it early and cut their losses.. Me ? I drag it out to the bitter end.. And then I go, never doing that again.. But police work, investigations, computer forensics I know.. 

But with women a neophyte. Even my friends are amazed because they look at me as this big tough imposing guy.. They have seen me get angry, they have seen other men back down..
But with women I'm like a total schmuck because I don't see it coming and they keep warning me.. Again even others here warned me long ago.. But I just wouldn't listen or accept the truth, because deep, deep down I just didn't want to be alone.. 

I'm 48 and utterly ashamed of myself when it comes to women..


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Loneliness is a dark monolith in our psyche. Standing next to its monstrosity is crushing, making all of us feeling desperately small and unworthy. Yet, it has to be stared down and defeated, because ploys to appease it or deny it is fruitless. I am learning that myself just two months post divorce.

I have known many people who have brought their loneliness to another, asking them the fill the void, to defeat the dark wall for them, but it is an unreasonable request. They will flee in terror because NO ONE wants the responsibility of being THE ANSWER to your life and purpose. They will want to be near you because you know your life and purpose and they will want to partake in that adventure.

You have to face it--loneliness--stare it down, and make steps to move forward in life until that loneliness loses its power and you actually start to like your own company. That in itself builds confidence, because you are getting to know who you are. You also are starting to want to challenge yourself and experience life. You will become healthy inside and out and will attract healthy relationships.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Do u happen to play computer games or spend a lot of pointless time on the Internet? If yes, try lay it off for a week or two, and then see how u feel about doing something?? ..also,exercise is a positive and active strategy to help manage depression. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Only you can make the decision to change the way you are living. Therapy, medication and lifestyle changes can make you feel like a new person and there's no way to change this but to get started.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I've been trying to play off that being alone is okay.. But its not.. It is really painful for me.. Mind you I have 2 boys that I have physical custody of.. So I know some are like WTF is this guy crying about..
> 
> But it just isn't the same if you can grasp what I'm saying.. I put on a happy face for the kids, but I'm literally just waiting for the day to end so I can go to sleep..
> 
> ...


I may not hit on all of the areas you discussed in your post but, I will say one thing. I have been on Zoloft for about 10 years and it has worked wonders for me. I understand where you are coming from in that in the beginning I refused to get on any meds. I felt awful all the time. Either I was so depressed that I did not feel like anything was ever going to get better. It didn't help that my marriage was having it's ups and downs and at the time I was a first time Mom so it was crazy. 

In 2005 I finally broke down (due to the passing of my dad) and my husband made me see reason for the sake of our marriage and our children that I needed help! Fast forward to today and I can honestly say I am a much better person on the meds and I feel better. I know that when I skip my meds for a day or so mostly because I guess I am feeling great and I forget to take them. When I start feeling down again I realize that I did not take my meds and they REALLY help!!! 

You may feel like you should be able to function without them. There is nothing wrong with giving them a try. I can guarantee you that you would feel so much better and not be so hard on yourself. Things will look and feel a bit better.

As for the weight. I was gaining a lot as well and I started to eat better and setting goals for myself. Even if you exercise a little at home on a treadmill. Something is better than nothing. I was always feeling down about my appearance and I lost 35 lbs still have about 20 to go to be where I want but, I feel good about myself, people are noticing and giving me compliments and it feels good. Sorry If I am blabbering too much. 

How long have you been seeking therapy? I really feel that getting on some meds can benefit you. It will help you not feel so down and it will allow you to focus on things to make you feel better about yourself. I figured I should focus on losing weight and not allowing myself to slip away and if your weight is a major issue for you, try getting a treadmill for home if you are concerned with a gym.

I am not sure how old your kids are but, mine are 12 and 9 and they can tell when I am down. So by focusing on something like losing weight, eating better that will help me look better and feel better. I hope some of this is making some sense. You have to make and do whatever it takes to make yourself happy before you can expect happiness with someone else. Just remember you can be with someone else and still feel miserable. Depression is not something so easy to deal with. I am lucky that my husband stuck it out and helped me see how I was hurting not only myself but our kids and him.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> Thanks all
> 
> 
> I'm 48 and utterly ashamed of myself when it comes to women..


To save space, I redacted a bunch of that, but it was well expressed. There's nothing really wrong with you, you've just got some Charlie Brown funk temporarily getting after you. There are lots of women that would love to hear a man express what's going on inside like you just did.

We have so many BS social theories going around, that people feel they have to play a role, or at least hit a certain mark on a yardstick. Its tiring, and probably doesn't work.

Its fine to self examine, evaluate- just don't get mired in it. There are plenty of things people really should be ashamed about, but not being a slick jerk-off party boy isn't one them. Anyone with any sense of humility feels like they are too awkward at times.

Think of what you've accomplished. 25 years on the job, good kids, home, respect of peers, considerate of others, intelligent...Losers don't pull that off. You've whipped it like Devo.

Keep enlarging that circle of friends. Have some fun. Be honest. Things will click.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> You're an anomaly. Chicks not only dig the aloof, alpha male Daryl is, they go especially ga-ga over men who have Daryl tattooed on their forearms...
> 
> 
> The OP can score major trim by obtaining the above tattoo.
> ...


I must be an anomaly, too. I really don't care for tattoos. If the right guy has some, I can stand it, but I rarely look twice at guys with sleeves of tattoos. The chicks that dig that are probably into guys who dig that look. 

I also don't care for aloof alphas. I want a connection. Aloof doesn't give you that. The best sex I've had was with someone I had a connection with.

OP, Don't get them just to attract a woman because it will be the wrong kind of woman for YOU unless that's your thing.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh, PS - as to being a schmuck with women, that's another reason to lay off them and work on yourself. Seriously when you get to the point you can take 'em or leave 'em, THAT is when you'll be ready. If you are trying to fill a void or distract yourself from the real issues you have, that's when you'll make bad choices, ignore red flags and hang around with the wrong woman waaaay too long. If you aren't afraid to be alone, you'll be a lot more likely to view the situation objectively. And listen to your friends. They know you. And I assume they have your best interests at heart.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

capri7204 said:


> How long have you been seeking therapy?
> 
> I am not sure how old your kids are but, mine are 12 and 9 and they can tell when I am down.


I've been in therapy since Sept 25, 2012.. My Boys are 10 and 15..


Just bought running sneakers today and a "work out" outfit..

I've been a bit spacey today, zoning out and such.. Just emotions getting the better of me.. Did what I had to do today but not without pulling the car over and falling apart a bit.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

When I used to do social work back in University, one counselor would recommend doing something creative for those in depression or feeling lonely.

I'm serious. Try it. Go to an art store and pick up a paint kit and a paint by numbers picture (I'm serious). In Canada we have a store called Michaels. 

Try it. This is advice for anyone. You'll be amazed at what doing some arts/crafts can do for your mood. After all, we insist children to do it, and it activates all kinds of developmental centers in the brain. Go out to a toy store and pick up something called Kinetic Sand. You'll love it! If you like decorating, go to your local Ikea and plan out redesigning your living space with a budget. 

Get that brain to start doing some creative things. Trust me.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

May be an odd question, but as I understand, you live in or about NYC, right?

Do you think that living in such a big, tight place is an element in all this? I think of things that I like such as cooking out, outdoor work or just being outside, dropping by a neighbor's that probably don't translate well to city life.

Like music? Between Spotify and Youtube you can find hours of stuff you have heard in years; alternate versions, similar new bands. It can really get interesting.

Good stuff on the running gear. Don't get frustrated. Read up on endorphins.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I've been in therapy since Sept 25, 2012.. My Boys are 10 and 15..
> 
> 
> Just bought running sneakers today and a "work out" outfit..
> ...


I know that oftentimes we do not mean to do it but, when we are down our children are affected so much by the way we feel. Would you consider medication at all? I am a better person now that I am on meds. When I am off my meds for some time those sad days eventually come back. I briefly went through therapy but, for myself I could only repeat so many times the same issues. There is nothing wrong in my opinion with needing a pill to feel better. 

Since you have been on therapy since 2012, what improvement have you seen??


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you live in a cycling friendly place consider cycling. I went from zero to 35 miles longest ride and routine 20-25 mile rides in a year. Your kids can join you. It's fun and good for you.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Hey HTH, did you break in those shoes yet?

I just re-started running about 3 weeks ago after a layoff of several years. I did the 10-minute, run as much as you can deal. Pretty ugly, but now I'm up to 12 minutes with no angst at all. No pushing, no pressure, etc. I run a trail thru a pasture and some woods which is always wet with dew, trampled up and generally rough, but I get out there.

Keep with it.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Nothing does, can, or will change your appearance like weight lifting. Not cardio, not diet, not nothing. (except surgery of course)

I would not recommend cardio for someone trying to lose weight at first. The spike in appetite will often cause a crash/rebound cycle not to mention all sorts of mood problems. 

Moderate weight lifting is better generally. Low volume high intensity doesn't have the same impact on stress hormones. 

Cut out processed stuff, stick with lean meats (preferably chicken/turkey) and vegetables, and lift hard. Cut the carbs as much as you can bare. Stay away from the fried stuff. 

Grab a plan like starting strength or greyskull lp (or something similar) and stick to it or whatever you can tolerate. 

Do that and be smart and in a year you can look like a different person. 

When you first lift it will be about the only time you'll be able to add muscle and lose fat at the same time. Take advantage of that and don't sabotage it with cardio. The rapid adaptions for the first couple months can be significant in many men. Weigh yourself regularly. 

If after a period of time you find you're no longer losing weight without cutting calories too much, then add light cardio. Add it gradually. 

this is my opinion, and my personal experience with weight loss. Talk to your doctor or find a nutritionist or something  

Also, I never set foot into a gym. I got a weight bench and weights which were free, and I run on a local trail. The trail is cool to meet people to talk to (keep going at the same times and you'll run into the same people regularly).


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