# WH claims to have used OW only for sex



## Katey (Sep 23, 2013)

My WH had a three-year affair with a coworker. He says that she was convenient. He believes that she really loved him. Yet he says he only used her like a [email protected] That he told her what she wanted to hear so that she would keep having sex with him. She thought he would someday leave me and our children for her. Yet when I discovered the affair he chose to stay with me. How can someone just use another person for sex? Or is he downplaying his level of attachment?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

All cheaters are LIARS. Big fat ones. 

Please read this link

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

He is downplaying. No question in my mind. 

3 year affair with someone that he works with EVERY DAY and then consummated that "friendship" with sex... for THREE YEARS!? Yeah, that doesn't happen. Men are human too. 

He only told you that because women have a hard time forgiving a man giving his heart to another woman. I'd bet the farm that he loves her. 

If I had to guess, I'd think that you have young children and a home, encompassing a relatively comfortable lifestyle.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He may be telling the truth about using her, but if he's that kind of person, he's probably using you as well even though he wants to stay with you.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I would imagine that the AP's story would be that she only slept with him because she wanted his friendship.

So sorry you are here.

Please keep posting. It will help you gain more clarity as you read all of the other views.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He chose his stuff. He didn't just choose you. You can ask him to sign over all of his assets to you and if he does, he chose you. If not....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Katey said:


> My WH had a three-year affair with a coworker. He says that she was convenient. He believes that she really loved him. Yet he says he only used her like a [email protected] That he told her what she wanted to hear so that she would keep having sex with him. She thought he would someday leave me and our children for her. Yet when I discovered the affair he chose to stay with me. How can someone just use another person for sex? Or is he downplaying his level of attachment?


Didn't you have sex with your WH so he needed to use someone else for sex?

He probably told OW what she wanted to hear but now he is telling you what you want to hear...


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Unless you're a sociopath, its virtually impossible to have the closeness inherent in sex without getting emotionally attached. People who do little more than hunt and fish together have a bonding. Sounds to me like the BS is getting BS'd.


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## AlternateUniverse (Oct 2, 2013)

Katey said:


> My WH had a three-year affair with a coworker. He says that she was convenient. He believes that she really loved him. Yet he says he only used her like a [email protected] That he told her what she wanted to hear so that she would keep having sex with him. She thought he would someday leave me and our children for her. Yet when I discovered the affair he chose to stay with me. How can someone just use another person for sex? Or is he downplaying his level of attachment?


_Posted via Mobile Device_
It was only sex! I thought monagamy was a integral part of marriage, or am I just misinformed. I don't get these WS that think if there is no emotional connection then it is OK. If you can not stay true to your spouse, then leave or do not get married in the first place. Well I guess I am not from around here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Katey said:


> My WH had a three-year affair with a coworker. He says that she was convenient. He believes that she really loved him. Yet he says he only used her like a [email protected] That he told her what she wanted to hear so that she would keep having sex with him. She thought he would someday leave me and our children for her. Yet when I discovered the affair he chose to stay with me. How can someone just use another person for sex? Or is he downplaying his level of attachment?


Someone who is morally bankrupt and/or mentally abnormal?

If it can be afforded, a lie detector test might help.

You possibly could save this marriage. *But... why on earth would you want to?*:scratchhead:


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## Live Laugh (Jan 24, 2012)

I swear cheaters all use the same script. My husband said something very similar. IMO it is never just sex. There were some additional needs being met, or he wouldnt have kept it up for 3 years!!!


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

The wording "claims" suggests that you're perhaps hopeful, if a little bit, that your husband is telling the truth and she means nothing, at least emotionally. Like I said, just a suggestion.

Let's assume it's true and he "just" banged her, and threw her under the bus in a heartbeat. Then what? What are you willing to do about it?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Why would you want to be with someone who had "just sex" with someone, and misled for 3 years?

Why would you want to be with someone who LIED (if he did) about it being "just sex" for 3 years? 

Either way you slice it, this guy is not worthy of you...

...OR the OW....

Vega


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

[QUOTEHow can someone just use another person for sex? Or is he downplaying his level of attachment?

How can someone betray their spouse for three years with someone who meant nothing to them? To me that's way worse then a ws admitting that they loves the ap. Do you feel blessed that he "choose you"?


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## hicktrjf (Oct 8, 2013)

He may be telling the truth about using her.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Honestly, I can do this. (Most) men and (most) women are simply wired differently when it comes to the emotional components of sex. Not saying you should believe what comes out of a cheater's mouth by any means. Just saying it's not impossible or really all that uncommon for men to be emotionally detached from sex.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I can have detached sex, too and I am a woman. I just couldn't do it for three years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say he 'chose' to stay with you. Have you chosen to stay with him after he betrayed you so brazenly for years?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Seems like a meaningless distinction to me. Betrayed is betrayed. The rest is just details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> Unless you're a sociopath, its virtually impossible to have the closeness inherent in sex without getting emotionally attached. People who do little more than hunt and fish together have a bonding. Sounds to me like the BS is getting BS'd.


Well, I don't know about that. After all, what about all the people who have One Night Stands (repeatedly)? I'm not sure they are always "bonded" that much. 

And, isn't the argument that previous lovers were just "meaningless sex" or "unimportant sex" one of the positions put forward by SOME (not all, of course, or even the majority) of those who maintain that it is not important to reveal the truth of your sexual past to your mate?

That having been said, I'm not sure it matters that much. A betrayal is a betrayal, after all. I suppose if the goal is reconciliation, it is easier to contemplate/execute if one believes that the Wayward Spouse is not emotionally attached to the Affair Partner.


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## Katey (Sep 23, 2013)

Thanks for all your replies. I have been reading this forum since November 2012. It has provided me more comfort and ‘companionship’ than I would have thought possible. Now I am seeking your help in finding an explanation or rationalization for what has happened. The ‘why‘ and the ‘how‘ questions remain. 

When I discovered in October 2012 that my WH had basically been living a double life for three years, I was shocked, devasted, confused, hurt, lonely .... On DD, my WH felt guilty about being caught, but not guilty about having an affair. He said that I was naive to believe in monogamy. I wish he had given me his honest opinion before we married, I gave up my career, we moved to his country, we had three kids together, etc. He compared his affair and getting caught to smoking and getting cancer. He said that he knew the risks, but that he liked the ‘dirty’ sex. The OW was a bad habit. I was disgusted by what he said. I could not believe that the man I had married could behave so. It seemed as if he had two personalities. 

The affair is over. The OW and my WH no longer work together. As my WH came out of the affair fog, he started to show remorse for betraying me. He says that he will never cheat again because he realizes how deeply I am hurt. I am broken from the deception, contempt, lack of empathy, not to mention the mind movies of his wild sex with the OW (who is 12 years younger than I am). 

One of my many problems is that I cannot come to terms with his explanation that it was only sex. I wonder if he says that because he thinks that I would find it easier to accept if it were just sex. I, however, believe that ‘using’ another person is pure evil. I do not want to accept that the father of my beautiful children is evil. I would find it easier if he would admit that he loved her. Additionally, if my WH uses people, then I struggle with the thoughts that he is using me to provide the illusion of the respectable family man. That he really does not love me, but that I, too, am convenient. He refuses MC and IC. Since DD he has been trying to reinvent himself. He has said that he has felt empty for years, perhaps his entire life. He says that he has always loved me and wants me to try to get past his affair. 

Pepper123 guessed correctly in that I do have young children at home and a relatively comfortable lifestyle. The children were 2, 4, and 6 when my WH started his affair. 

Alte Dame, I have not yet chosen to stay with him. I am conflicted on so many levels. As I mentioned, I left my country and my career to be with my WH. My WH and I have similar professional degrees and we had planned that I would restart my career with him when our children were in school. Talk about putting all of my eggs in one basket. I cannot restart my career in his country without his help and even if I could return to my country, restarting my career at age 45 after an 11 year hiatus would be almost impossible. Additionally, I love the man I married, but I do not love or respect the man who betrayed me. Finally, our family life is very normal. Our children are happy, smart, and fun-loving. I worry what will happen to them if their family is destroyed. My WH says that he will not leave us, that I must be the one who decides our future. I am in limbo.

Thank you for listening.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

It is totally possible and in this case quite probable that he is telling you the truth. 

Biologically men are hardwired to impregnate as many females as they can. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying that he chose to stay with you. There's something he's getting from you that he values.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Katey said:


> When I discovered in October 2012 that my WH had basically been living a double life for three years, I was shocked, devasted, confused, hurt, lonely .... On DD, my WH felt guilty about being caught, but not guilty about having an affair. He said that I was naive to believe in monogamy. I wish he had given me his honest opinion before we married, I gave up my career, we moved to his country, we had three kids together, etc. He compared his affair and getting caught to smoking and getting cancer. He said that he knew the risks, but that he liked the ‘dirty’ sex. The OW was a bad habit. I was disgusted by what he said. I could not believe that the man I had married could behave so. It seemed as if he had two personalities.
> 
> The affair is over. The OW and my WH no longer work together. As my WH came out of the affair fog, he started to show remorse for betraying me. He says that he will never cheat again because he realizes how deeply I am hurt. I am broken from the deception, contempt, lack of empathy, not to mention the mind movies of his wild sex with the OW (who is 12 years younger than I am).
> 
> ...


Katey,

Your WH is tricking you... And yes, he lies...

WHs with comfortable lifestyles rarely leave their families. If man has a comfortable and happy life with wife and kids and additionally "dirty" sex on the side - what else would he want!

The potential problem I can see, if he likes "dirty" sex and cannot get it at home, he will look for it somewhere else...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Aerith said:


> Katey,
> 
> Your WH is tricking you... And yes, he lies...
> 
> ...


Unless he now gets how he has hurt
His wife abd will not risk it again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

As you describe it, you have no options that are pain-free for the present, so I would choose the one that offers you the chance of a happier future.

Your WH is the worst sort of person for a faithful heart to be married to. He genuinely doesn't believe that faithfulness is a natural state and he uses this belief to justify his cheating.

Three years! Every day in the office, outside of the office when they could. Three years of this. And this is only the stuff you know about.

I would not let him 'choose' me. He wouldn't have that privilege or option after what he has done. I would ask myself how I want my life to be 5 years from now and I would work toward that. It would not be a life of pain and insecurity because I am married to a man who is comfortable cheating the way your WH is. Children of divorce survive well all the time. If you love them and care for them, they will be fine.

It's very possible that it was 'just sex' for him because he uses people. You may well be very correct that he is just using you as well.

Whatever you do, don't let him imprison you in a marriage of constant hurt and pain. He doesn't have that right.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I read somewhere that women cheat because they want a soul mate, and men cheat because they want a playmate.. the conclusion was based on a survey, I don't remember the sample size or anything else...

If he's using her, does that make it better? That means instead of someone that would go behind your back because he feels he fell out of love with you, and in love with someone else, it's because he's just a horny guy with no self control and no concern for using others to get what he needs.

My wife was with her coworker boyfriend for five years.. They had a love nest, met for meals, took 'walks' in the woods, met in private rooms in work... they do more than just have sex with that kind of relationship. Basically, they were 'friends' with benefits, and they were using each other. Our sex life was always good, so in this case, she was trading sex for kind words and affection (from someone other than me, that's important)... he was trading kind words and affection for sex. So it might be that he was using her, and she wanted to be used.. she might have a family too. Three years is a long time.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Hi Katey, sorry you are here ...

As for your husband, he may be telling the truth. Men are much better at separating "love" from "sex" than women are. Doesn't make it right, it's just the way it is. If you are wanting to reconcile with him then I think your biggest concern should be whether or not you can trust him not to cheat again going forward. Based on what you've described thus far, it doesn't sound like it.

Just my 2 cents.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Well, I don't know about that. After all, what about all the people who have One Night Stands (repeatedly)? I'm not sure they are always "bonded" that much.


I guess I should have prefaced that with having multiple sexual encounters with the same person over a certain time period. Or like my cousin would say, "my brother in law been having one night stands with that woman a couple of times a week for the last six months"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Katey said:


> My WH had a *three-year affair* with a coworker. He says that she was convenient. He believes that she really loved him. Yet he says he only used her like a [email protected] That he told her what she wanted to hear so that she would keep having sex with him. She thought he would someday leave me and our children for her. Yet when I discovered the affair he chose to stay with me. How can someone just use another person for sex? Or is he downplaying his level of attachment?


If you believe him then I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.

Three years isn't a run-of-the-mill affair. It's not a fling. There was some kind of investment there, eventhough I know you do not want to read that. He is only saying that to you so that it will hurt less but you need to wake up and see this for what it is. He is making her out to be the bad guy when he absolutely played a part in it. 

Sorry.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

For me..... it wouldn't make one bit of difference what his motives were. It doesn't change the breaking of wedding vows, broken heart and destroyed trust.

All it has done is show he is not only a cheater but a cold heartless cheater.

So sorry OP... all your choices are difficult. But then so is your current life.

I suppose it comes down to whether or not you can forgive and move on from this and live with a man whose dark side 'disgusts' you.

Can I ask...was fidelity never discussed prior to marriage?
You clearly have very different views on the topic.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your So-called H, is a grade A no. 1 JERK

He shows no accountability---thinking he has a right to go off with another woman---or women---cuz you don't really know do you, if there have been others.

What you do know is that he is a liar/cheat/manipulator/deceitful, and anything else you wanna fill in

It is to bad you suborned your life for him----Your major problems now are that with no hardline consequences---he will do this again, when he feels the need----

And---you will not get over his 3 yr bigamist type relationship---AS LONG AS YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT HIM EVERY DAY---with his attitude, and knowing he can NEVER AGAIN BE TRUSTED----NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES----you really have no hope of living a happy life---for he is the trigger, and he is there everyday, with his spectre of a cheater looking right at you

You are only gonna get one try at life---as long as you stay with him---your one try, will be filled with misery-----to have a happy decent future---you need to leave him, and get on with your life---WITHOUT HIS LEERING SPECTRE OF CHEATING LOOKING AT YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> I can have detached sex, too and I am a woman. I just couldn't do it for three years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Therein lies the difference between the genders.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

One cannot have physical affair for three years without any emotional attachment. IMO.

I believe you are financially dependent on him. Someone said earlier that you dont want to see how he tricked you and his OM. 

Your Husband is a cheater. And realize this. He has no respect for the marriage you have with him.

Has he gone for counseling?
Have you tested for STDs?

Take real care.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I read somewhere that women cheat because they want a soul mate, and men cheat because they want a playmate.. the conclusion was based on a survey, I don't remember the sample size or anything else...
> 
> If he's using her, does that make it better? That means instead of someone that would go behind your back because he feels he fell out of love with you, and in love with someone else, it's because he's just a horny guy with no self control and no concern for using others to get what he needs.
> 
> My wife was with her coworker boyfriend for five years.. They had a love nest, met for meals, took 'walks' in the woods, met in private rooms in work... they do more than just have sex with that kind of relationship. Basically, they were 'friends' with benefits, and they were using each other. Our sex life was always good, so in this case, she was trading sex for kind words and affection (from someone other than me, that's important)... he was trading kind words and affection for sex. So it might be that he was using her, and she wanted to be used.. she might have a family too. Three years is a long time.


It's obvious that makes and females have different reproduction strategies. Women oppose prostitution because it weakens the pool of men anxious to marry. All outlets for sex and emotion compete with marriage. 

Online gaming with role playing, it is a thinly veiled EA. instead if meeting in the woods for a walk, they play fantasy figures that are hyper sexual.

Russ, did you reconcile?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Long, your belief about why women oppose prostitution is just bull. I wouldn't want to be with a man who is into prostitutes so I am in charge of eliminating those men from the list of suitable men in the marriage pool. 

Do you use prostitutes or do you just get turned down a lot and wish you had the guts to? 

Russ, how do you come to the conclusion that she was trading sex for kind words if they also had a friendship where they enjoyed each other's company? That seems like a relationship to me. Being clear that you have no intention of leaving a spouse doesn't even make an extra marital affair just a FWB relationship. If all they do is have sex in would call it FWB. But if there are long chats and enjoyed activities together it is a whole lot more.

All relationships provide something that make you want to stay in it. Both parties benefit or the relationship doesn't last. 

This guy might have enjoyed the sex but I doubt he would have continued it for three years if she had no value apart from being willing to have sex with her. If she thought he was going to leave the OP for her I bet he have her reason to do it. Not following through doesn't indicate that he didn't want to. It also doesn't prove he was using her either. 

Can people use others? Absolutely. Did this guy really just see her for sex and not care for her? We really can't tell. If he has been generally a decent guy in the past it isn't likely she was an exception. 

Either way, he carried on a long term affair and proved that he is a liar and is selfish. Claiming not to have created for her doesn't reduce the impact of what he did. If he thinks it does he is not someone to be trusted in the future. But my guess is that h e thought it would lessen the blow. Note that he knows he got that wrong he can't change the story. 

If he wants R he doesn't seem to grasp that honesty is absolutely necessary and owning what he did without trying to make if seem less than it was is key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Excuse the crudeness but I couldn't see myself smashing some strange tail for 3 years without some sort of attachment. After about a year it turns into sex. Then somewhere between year 2 and 3 becomes making love.

But that's just me. Maybe he can seperate the two.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Katey said:


> My WH had a three-year affair with a coworker. He says that she was convenient. He believes that she really loved him. Yet he says he only used her like a [email protected] That he told her what she wanted to hear so that she would keep having sex with him. She thought he would someday leave me and our children for her. Yet when I discovered the affair he chose to stay with me. How can someone just use another person for sex? Or is he downplaying his level of attachment?


Okay, lets look at the "best case" scenario and he's telling you the truth.

So in other words, your husband is admitting he's a narcissistic person who will play with someone elses heart WHILE betraying his own wife's heart and vows in order to simply get his rocks off.

So He's the kind of guy who will use TWO women he's supposedly intimate with with TOTAL DISREGARD for them as people and human beings.

Yeah, this sounds like a man who makes a good husband . I'd divorce him for total lack of character and simply being a selfish douche.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Katey said:


> Thanks for all your replies. I have been reading this forum since November 2012. It has provided me more comfort and ‘companionship’ than I would have thought possible. Now I am seeking your help in finding an explanation or rationalization for what has happened. The ‘why‘ and the ‘how‘ questions remain.
> 
> When I discovered in October 2012 that my WH had basically been living a double life for three years, I was shocked, devasted, confused, hurt, lonely .... On DD, my WH felt guilty about being caught, but not guilty about having an affair. He said that I was naive to believe in monogamy. I wish he had given me his honest opinion before we married, I gave up my career, we moved to his country, we had three kids together, etc. He compared his affair and getting caught to smoking and getting cancer. He said that he knew the risks, but that he liked the ‘dirty’ sex. The OW was a bad habit. I was disgusted by what he said. I could not believe that the man I had married could behave so. It seemed as if he had two personalities.
> 
> ...


OH MY GOD. Kick him out, take him to the cleaners and never look back.

You do realize he will NEVER be faithful. He's not that kind of guy. 

How could someone do this? He's selfish and your feelings don't matter to him.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> He is downplaying. No question in my mind.
> 
> 3 year affair with someone that he works with EVERY DAY and then consummated that "friendship" with sex... for THREE YEARS!? Yeah, that doesn't happen. Men are human too.
> 
> ...


This is precisely it. No question. He's trying to downplay it in a crude way, but probably thinks that it will make you feel better in some twisted way.
What concerns me is the length of the affair. Even if he feels remorse now and is done with her, can you accept the past and move on?


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## Mzflower (Aug 3, 2013)

Katey, sorry you are here.

They no longer work together and this reassures you "they have stopped". Are you checking his cell, email.... The op may have had deep feelings for him, is she still in contact with him?


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