# He's marrying her



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I got a sweet text from my SIL yesterday, checking in on me and asking how I was. Then she called me last night, and we chatted for a time. She once again said she wanted to check on me and see how I was doing "after the announcement". I knew right away without even being told, and asked if my ex was engaged to his girlfriend. She felt HORRIBLE that I didn't know. I laughed and said, "Why would I? I have him blocked on Facebook, and he didn't tell me." She felt better after we talked more, and I really felt like I was fine. 

Today, I am not fine. 

It's not about him. I've read all the articles about your narcissistic ex marrying the person they cheated with. The advice does not apply to me. I know it's over - and I am happy it's over. I don't wish it was me. I don't wonder why I couldn't make him happy. I don't care that he "replaced" me with her. It doesn't make me sad to see him happy and moving on. 

He is... irrelevant to me. He is small and petty and I know he won't be happy with her. He will tire of her, like he did with me, and he will cheat on her, too. I am a better, stronger, more complete woman without him in my life. He would literally be nothing to me, if he were not the father of my son. 

He still has power over me in the things he took from me. The years he was with her behind my back. The years I could have been starting over, myself. Three years post divorce and I have yet to have had a relationship that lasted longer than a few months, yet he got to stroll immediately into life with her when we split up. She was waiting in the wings. She's young enough that I won't be surprised if they even have a child together. I will never have that, thanks to him. I have even lost my stepdaughter, who I helped raise since before she could walk. I lost so much more than just a husband. I lost an entire family.

THAT is what I struggle with. I hate the expression that life is unfair. But this IS unfair. And I feel something about that fact that he couldn't bother to tell me. It's not anger, not disappointment... I am not sure what it is. But we shared more than two decades of our lives together. While our son may be grown and in college, we do still have a child together. And he couldn't even bother to send me a text? He is such a piece of work. 

So the feelings of unfairness creep up again. I am a good person. I am strong and independent and successful and have done amazing things since getting out of that marriage. But I have lost so much that will never be regained. And he will never know that, nor will he care. And yes, it's unfair that he gets to move on never comprehending what he took from me. (And her, too - she is no innocent party in this.)

I have plans with friends this weekend.... a group of people in which I would be the only single person. I can't do it. I need to wait out this pity party on my own, I think. I know good things are out there for me, too. But I am angry that this news is igniting these feelings and making me feel so alone. 

I am simply here to vent and share. Thanks for letting me have a place to do so. <3


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## Convict (Feb 16, 2014)

I’m so sorry for what u have been through. I can only imagine...
But u seem to have the inner strength and fortitude to persevere...
Time will only make u stronger and those memories will erode and eventually fade away...
I truly wish u all the best...


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

It is unfair. It's ok to feel this way. It's ok to feel ok one minute and ****ty the next. Why should he (they) get away with what they did? 

I think you should go with your friends, even so, they are there to support you. Will it be couples or just your friends without their partners? if the latter, I would definitely still go. Don't always do things on you're own, you'd be surprised how much getting out of your shell helps just at these moments. 

I ended up helping my friend narrow down paint options for her walls (of the apartment she bought which is totally one of my future goals) right after being forwarded the diy divorce papers my stbxh wants to use instead of a proper lawyer. Even amongst the **** it helped. Also there are way too many shades of white and grey for a sane person. Take moments of joy and keep going with them until they slowly fill your life.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I was able to speak with my son tonight. I let him know that I had heard the news. He was relieved. He said he found out a few days ago, and wanted to tell me, but didn’t know how. I assured him that under no circumstances is it his responsibility to fill me in on his dad’s life. I told him that his father should have told me himself. His response? “Yeah, that’s what I thought, too”. It set off a whole new range of emotions for me again. So selfish... to leave that on our son’s shoulders like that. <smh>


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

@TooNice

I am in a similar position, almost 4 years out, we share a 24 year old DD that my exH likes to burden with things he shouldn’t. However mine has been playing musical chairs with women since I left, but you never know he might get married again someday. I occasionally have the same thoughts you describe … thoughts about what he did to me, what he took from me, the years I will never get back. I think it’s normal and they lessen with time.

I have learned that those types of thoughts put a person in “victim mode” which is not productive and, makes us feel as if we are not in control of our lives. However nothing is further from the truth because victims ruminate in their pain and “give up”. But not us … we survived, we had the strength and courage to leave, we recovered our true selves and, went on to build and thrive in a new life. And, remember we did all that IN SPITE OF what our ex’s did, said or took … that means we are extraordinarily strong and resourceful people.

It means you are a ROCK STAR and always have been … him; he’s just a cowardly ******* and always will be.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Your best revenge is a life well lived.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The most important step here is to _process_ those feelings you’re having — don’t bury them. It sucks to feel the feelings at the time and go through them, but in the end you’ll come out stronger having dealt with them and faced them down.

Stay strong ...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I got a sweet text from my SIL yesterday, checking in on me and asking how I was. Then she called me last night, and we chatted for a time. She once again said she wanted to check on me and see how I was doing "after the announcement". I knew right away without even being told, and asked if my ex was engaged to his girlfriend. She felt HORRIBLE that I didn't know. I laughed and said, "Why would I? I have him blocked on Facebook, and he didn't tell me." She felt better after we talked more, and I really felt like I was fine.
> 
> Today, I am not fine.
> 
> ...


Hey there, TooNice.

Go out with your friends. Hold your head high. Have fun. Be the sweet, sexy, fun person you have discovered yourself to be since you were blessed with being left by your narcissistic XH.

And...we have covered this ground before...FFS...please forgive yourself. Look how much more interesting the TooNice of today is compared to just a few short years ago...

You've got this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TooNice said:


> He still has power over me in the things he took from me. The years he was with her behind my back. The years I could have been starting over, myself. Three years post divorce and I have yet to have had a relationship that lasted longer than a few months, yet he got to stroll immediately into life with her when we split up. She was waiting in the wings. She's young enough that I won't be surprised if they even have a child together. I will never have that, thanks to him. I have even lost my stepdaughter, who I helped raise since before she could walk. I lost so much more than just a husband. I lost an entire family.


As long as he still has a place in your mind to ruin your day or week or whatever he will continue to have power over you. When you have these feelings you must actively fight them. A lot of time that means literally thinking. "Nope I am not going to think about this i am going to think about that" and then choosing to think about something else. That gets easier with practice, but eventually you will be able to discipline your mind. 

The other thing is life is like a sporting even, like a football game (hopefully you are American and can understand where I am going with this). In the first quarter you can be losing and if you were to freeze that moment right there then the game is lost. However it's not over yet, you need a little more time before you can say he won. You are not going to be alone forever, please don't get depressed and think your life is over just because this moment is a hard one. Give yourself permission to have hope. 

You are not done yet. Plus he was an *******.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He is disrespectful and has no class.
How embarrassing for HIM.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he is that bad then it wont last will it. 

I know that you wont like this but I have found in life that forgiveness is the only way you can get free from anger and bitterness. My ex did some truly terrible things that caused our 23 year marriage to end very suddenly and very traumatically. My husbands ex cheated on him after 23 years, we have both forgiven and it helped us to be able to move on and heal. Forgiveness isn't a feeling, its a decision, and it doesn't mean that they deserve forgiveness or that they did nothing wrong, but its for ourselves, so that we can let it go and enjoy life again.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

TooNice,
I have found the following words a little harsh, but very helpful and thought-provoking in disciplining myself to move forward in the absence of (what I would consider) justice. I hope they may also serve you well. Your Life Is Not A Story, And You Will Not Get Closure. | Ferrett Steinmetz


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The thought energy wasted on him, what he does/does not do, is energy you're not spending on yourself and your wellbeing.

In other words, stop giving him your precious energy.

And as @Mizzbak pointed out, you won't get closure. I never did. Many here never did. That's setting a more human expectation of your ex. 

So I'd just put that hope to rest and deal with the reality that is. Your son seems like a very mature young man.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks so much, everyone. You are all right, and I know that. I have come out of my divorce a much stronger woman, and I freaking LOVE who I have become on my own. 

That said, I am very self-aware, and I have been aware for years of the things that I still hang onto. I realized yesterday as I thought through some of this that I think I need to grieve. I need to grieve for the family I no longer have, grieve for the loss of my stepdaughter, the years that were lost while my ex held me in a marriage he knew was going to fold, and for the additional children I will never have. I need to focus on gratitude for the family I did have, the ex's family members who still love me, the opportunity to be in a wonderful co-parenting situation with my sd, and for the relationship I have now with my son. I have been trying to think about how to let it all go at once, but I need to grieve the loss of it first... then I can work on forgiving him (and her). 

I don't want to interact with the OW, but I know I am going to have to. And I need those things to happen so that I can. 

One thing my son said yesterday made me actually feel sorry for my ex and his bride... I asked how he was doing with the news. He said he was fine, he guessed. He then remarked that he was weirdly indifferent about the whole thing. How sad. If and when I remarry, I want my son to be beaming with happiness for me. And I know he will be. How sad that his father won't have that. I hope that doesn't sound self-righteous - that is not my intent. I truly do feel pity about that.

Thank you all for your insight. I am grateful.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I hate that people do this to others...

It is so not fair when you build a life together with someone and then one person is able to blow it all to hell and there is nothing you can do about it.

I suggest building a super nice life with the person you can count on the most. You.

This guy's life, however it ends up, won't be your concern then.

I KNOW how you feel


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> If he is that bad then it wont last will it.
> 
> I know that you wont like this but I have found in life that forgiveness is the only way you can get free from anger and bitterness. My ex did some truly terrible things that caused our 23 year marriage to end very suddenly and very traumatically. My husbands ex cheated on him after 23 years, we have both forgiven and it helped us to be able to move on and heal. Forgiveness isn't a feeling, its a decision, and it doesn't mean that they deserve forgiveness or that they did nothing wrong, but its for ourselves, so that we can let it go and enjoy life again.


I know you are right, I simply haven't figured out how to do it yet. Forgiveness may be a decision, but I suddenly realize that I first need to grieve for the loss of the things that I have been sad about. The feelings I have been flooded with the past two days may be the opening to me finally figuring this out. I have much to think about.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TooNice said:


> I know you are right, I simply haven't figured out how to do it yet. Forgiveness may be a decision, but I suddenly realize that I first need to grieve for the loss of the things that I have been sad about. The feelings I have been flooded with the past two days may be the opening to me finally figuring this out. I have much to think about.


Its something that will take time and you may well have to do it over and over for it to stick. I know a lovely Christian lady whose husband left her and their children for a woman who he had known for ONE WEEK. She adored him and was completely devastated. 
She used to get 2 buttons, one symbolising him and one her, and hold them up and forgive them and pray for each of them daily. It was very hard, but eventually she was able to let go and move on with her life. Through it she started up a ministry for people who have suffered any sort of loss, and its still going about 18 years later. So beauty can come from ashes. 

Also it doesnt mean that the pain will immediately go, but that you are not holding it against them or allowing yourself to be bitter and angry which is so bad for you personally. Remember its not for THEM you are doing it, but for YOU.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

This has been an interesting week for me. I've had nights of catching up with old friends one-on-one, and nights of being home with myself and my thoughts. I had set tonight as an end point - the pity party and wallowing in the complexity of my feelings had permission for flow forth, but it ends tonight. I am figuring out ways to grieve for what's been lost, and changing my approach to my ex and the OW, and even toward my SD. I still don't have to be nice to them, but I shouldn't ignore them, either. They are all in my son's life, (like it or not when it come to the OW), and I won't make things harder for him than necessary. Besides, I can sleep at night knowing that I am a good person and I truly have joy and happiness in so many ways. I may have lost some things, but I have gained so very much. I'm ready to be open to whatever I need to do to in order to be at peace with that. 

It is curious how our emotions can spring back to life at times like this, but I am grateful for the chance to reexamine my feelings and have a fresh start of my own.


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