# Hi All (New)



## MC4B

Hi ALL

Been married to my Wife for 15 years, together over 20. Lots of ups and downs; 4 kids, always busy with kids sports, and work, therefore not making time for each other, (more her) I'm always willing. 

My wife has had an affair (over now) and I'm still struggling with it, feels like i have lost my direction... 

She tells me she loves me but not in love with me and she doesn't know what she wants. I believe we are only still together because its easier then separating, i don't know what to do, I'm now questioning everything, do i stay and try or do i walk away ? 

Not sure if counselling is an option as I'm willing but not sure if she is or will invest herself 

thoughts? or has anyone been in a similar scenario

thanks 
M


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## jlg07

Welcome to TAM. You will get MANY responses here, but in general, you should see a few laywers to understand what a divorce would actually look like for you financially, child custody, etc..
There is no point in getting marriage counseling if she says she isn't in love with you -- YOU however may want to do some individual counseling to help you cope.
Think of this -- if she was really remorseful (she's not), there MAY have been a chance for reconciliation. As it is, do you really want to subject yourself to a life with a cheater who doesn't care that they cheated and doesn't care about you at all???
Very sorry you are here for this reason.


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## MC4B

jlg07 said:


> Welcome to TAM. You will get MANY responses here, but in general, you should see a few laywers to understand what a divorce would actually look like for you financially, child custody, etc..
> There is no point in getting marriage counseling if she says she isn't in love with you -- YOU however may want to do some individual counseling to help you cope.
> Think of this -- if she was really remorseful (she's not), there MAY have been a chance for reconciliation. As it is, do you really want to subject yourself to a life with a cheater who doesn't care that they cheated and doesn't care about you at all???
> Very sorry you are here for this reason.


Thanks, answer I was expecting but hoping for different, sad I know, I always new what I wanted and where I was going, but now in the air, 
Thanks for the advice 


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## BeyondRepair007

MC4B said:


> Hi ALL
> 
> Been married to my Wife for 15 years, together over 20. Lots of ups and downs; 4 kids, always busy with kids sports, and work, therefore not making time for each other, (more her) I'm always willing.
> 
> My wife has had an affair (over now) and I'm still struggling with it, feels like i have lost my direction...
> 
> She tells me she loves me but not in love with me and she doesn't know what she wants. I believe we are only still together because its easier then separating, i don't know what to do, I'm now questioning everything, do i stay and try or do i walk away ?
> 
> Not sure if counselling is an option as I'm willing but not sure if she is or will invest herself
> 
> thoughts? or has anyone been in a similar scenario
> 
> thanks
> M


Welcome to TAM @MC4B . I’m truly sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Infidelity is a tragic and terrible thing.

The situation you describe is not uncommon, you can find many stories here on TAM like that.

There’s a very small chance that reconciliation can work after adultery but it starts with her genuine remorse and, as @jlg07 said, she’s not. Divorce is your only recourse.

Also to mention something, let this fuel your fire… there is a real chance that she is still connecting with her AP and the affair has just moved deeper underground. The “I’m not in love with you“ speech and “I don’t know what I want” speech are red flags indicating that the affair continues.

Once divorce becomes a real thing and her world starts to fall apart, this language may change. So brace yourself for that.

Best of luck to you.


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## Diceplayer

How old are the kids?


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## MC4B

Diceplayer said:


> How old are the kids?


12, 16, 17 & 23 


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## Longtime Hubby

When was her affair? She says she loves you but not in love with you? Lawyer up!


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## MC4B

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM @MC4B . I’m truly sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Infidelity is a tragic and terrible thing.
> 
> The situation you describe is not uncommon, you can find many stories here on TAM like that.
> 
> There’s a very small chance that reconciliation can work after adultery but it starts with her genuine remorse and, as @jlg07 said, she’s not. Divorce is your only recourse.
> 
> Also to mention something, let this fuel your fire… there is a real chance that she is still connecting with her AP and the affair has just moved deeper underground. The “I’m not in love with you“ speech and “I don’t know what I want” speech are red flags indicating that the affair continues.
> 
> Once divorce becomes a real thing and her world starts to fall apart, this language may change. So brace yourself for that.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


Thank you, definitely over, but I’ve been thinking that feelings would change if I was to walk away, 

Just hard to do 


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## Rus47

MC4B said:


> She tells me she loves me but not in love with me and she doesn't know what she wants. I believe we are only still together because its easier then separating, i don't know what to do, I'm now questioning everything, do i stay and try or do i walk away ?


She has told you where you stand with her. Once a woman gives you the "I love you..." ( which BTW is a LIE because you don't treat someone you love that way ), it is over. She divorced you but didn't bother with the paperwork. Nothing for you to question other than when did she actually start getting with other men. Only realistic thing you can do is make a new life without her. Sorry but about 1/2 of marriages end this way sooner or later.



MC4B said:


> Not sure if counselling is an option as I'm willing but not sure if she is or will invest herself


Counseling is just a waste of your time an money, which you need to conserve for the battle ahead. Counseling is for people when they begin to have problems, not after they have brought an AP into the marriage.


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## Longtime Hubby

Rus47 said:


> She has told you where you stand with her. Once a woman gives you the "I love you..." ( which BTW is a LIE because you don't treat someone you love that way ), it is over. She divorced you but didn't bother with the paperwork. Nothing for you to question other than when did she actually start getting with other men. Only realistic thing you can do is make a new life without her. Sorry but about 1/2 of marriages end this way sooner or later.
> 
> 
> Counseling is just a waste of your time an money, which you need to conserve for the battle ahead. Counseling is for people when they begin to have problems, not after they have brought an AP into the marriage.


Horse left the barn


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## BeyondRepair007

MC4B said:


> Thank you, definitely over, but I’ve been thinking that feelings would change if I was to walk away,
> 
> Just hard to do
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The wife you married left the marriage a while ago and you didn’t realize it. The wife in front of you now doesn’t love you and left the marriage to be with her bf(s).

You’re just playing catch up now that you’re awake to it all.

Its a sucky place to be. Anger helps if you can hold on to some of that and let it fuel your next steps. be pissed at her for destroying 20 years and the lives of 4 kids. Even though they are older, this will hit them hard.


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## Diana7

As a betrayed spouse you have every right to expect her to go to MC with you as one of the conditions of you staying. 
No ifs or buts. Book it and tell her you are both going. 
Does she work with the OM? If so she needs to look fur another job as well. How long was the affair?


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## Rus47

Diana7 said:


> As a betrayed spouse you have every right to expect her to go to MC with you as one of the conditions of you staying.
> No ifs or buts. Book it and tell her you are both going.
> Does she work with the OM? If so she needs to look fur another job as well. How long was the affair?


Respectfully, and not wanting to TJ, but what good is MC in a situation where the wife has already TOLD him she doesn't love him and doesn't know what she wants? By her actions she has already TOLD him what she wants and it isn't him. She loves the OM, full stop. MC is just ( a LOT ) of wasted money which he will need soon for the attorneys and separate maintenance. When someone tells you they don't love you anymore and have proven it by their actions, best to believe it and act accordingly.


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## drencrom

MC4B said:


> Hi ALL
> 
> Been married to my Wife for 15 years, together over 20. Lots of ups and downs; 4 kids, always busy with kids sports, and work, therefore not making time for each other, (more her) I'm always willing.
> 
> My wife has had an affair (over now) and I'm still struggling with it, feels like i have lost my direction...
> 
> She tells me she loves me but not in love with me and she doesn't know what she wants. I believe we are only still together because its easier then separating, i don't know what to do, I'm now questioning everything, do i stay and try or do i walk away ?
> 
> Not sure if counselling is an option as I'm willing but not sure if she is or will invest herself
> 
> thoughts? or has anyone been in a similar scenario
> 
> thanks
> M


Counseling is not an option. She said flat out she isn't in love with you. She simply wants other men. That's the cold hard truth of it. Believe me, I know. Been there.

She doesn't know what she wants? Well you shouldn't have to sit around and wait for her to make up her mind, and I can tell you, if she decides to stay in the marriage, it will be for convenience and for the kids....not for you.

You should find the courage to stand up, brush yourself off, then go see an attorney. Yes, separating is hard, again, I know, and for financial reasons or the kids. But living with someone who has done this to you and is only using you out of convenience IMO is tantamount to mental abuse.

Seek out an attorney and get the ball rolling. A better life is out there. Life with your wife is no life.


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## drencrom

MC4B said:


> 12, 16, 17 & 23


Well on the bright side if you divorce, and you should divorce her, you'll have less than 6 years of child support.

Does she have a job? If not, did you encourage her to not work? Hope not. But even if she doesn't work and it was her idea, and you seek out an attorney, DO NOT agree to alimony. Fight it tooth and nail.[/QUOTE]


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## drencrom

Diana7 said:


> As a betrayed spouse you have every right to expect her to go to MC with you as one of the conditions of you staying.
> No ifs or buts. Book it and tell her you are both going.
> Does she work with the OM? If so she needs to look fur another job as well. How long was the affair?


It won't do any good. She is not in love with him. She wants other men.


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## Diana7

Rus47 said:


> Respectfully, and not wanting to TJ, but what good is MC in a situation where the wife has already TOLD him she doesn't love him and doesn't know what she wants? By her actions she has already TOLD him what she wants and it isn't him. She loves the OM, full stop. MC is just ( a LOT ) of wasted money which he will need soon for the attorneys and separate maintenance. When someone tells you they don't love you anymore and have proven it by their actions, best to believe it and act accordingly.


He clearly isn't wanting to leave or he would have done by now. MC may just enable both of them to decide what any next steps should be, whether that is staying together or separating.


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## D0nnivain

Hi welcome. 

I have never been there but it seems to me the 1st thing you have to do is figure out what YOU want. Don't think about her, the kids, or anybody else. 

Do you want to stay & fight to keep this together . .. . to do the work & the counseling to overcome her infidelity & move forward toward reconnecting. If that is truly what you want, tell her & book a MC. 

If she balks, you have an answer, she doesn't want what you want & she's got at least one foot out the door of the marriage. Her affair plus her statement that she no longer is in love with you & doesn't know what she wants tells me she doesn't care enough to do the work. You can't do it alone. Unless she is willing to fight for your marriage it is already over. Nothing you do on your own will fix that. Staying because you are scared of change only make you more miserable.


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## Rob_1

I just can't understand a man that having been cheated, then told ILYBINILWY, and I don't know what I want, just sits there confused, wringing his hands, pondering about ill spending money on a futile endeavor like counseling. It seems OP that you have let life and circumstances lead your life, rather than you leading and making decisions. For men in your circumstances, a little self respect and some dignity can go a long way. It can help you a least to see that you're man enough not to take **** from anyone, least of all from an unremorseful cheating wife. 

Being pathetically just waiting on her to make a decision, instead of you making the decisions that your convictions (if any) tells you to do all it does is to keep you glue to the same spot in life, waking up every day to relive the same. Dude, get of that funk and make a move. Why waste the rest of your life living it as an afterthought, a plan B, while she decides what she wants. If she decides to dump you, then what?


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## frenchpaddy

love is a word that people use , but I think is this case she should say that she is friendly with you , you share a house and 4 children but you are not much more that flat mates co working ,


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## BigDaddyNY

MC4B said:


> Hi ALL
> 
> Been married to my Wife for 15 years, together over 20. Lots of ups and downs; 4 kids, always busy with kids sports, and work, therefore not making time for each other, (more her) I'm always willing.
> 
> My wife has had an affair (over now) and I'm still struggling with it, feels like i have lost my direction...
> 
> She tells me she loves me but not in love with me and she doesn't know what she wants. I believe we are only still together because its easier then separating, i don't know what to do, I'm now questioning everything, do i stay and try or do i walk away ?
> 
> Not sure if counselling is an option as I'm willing but not sure if she is or will invest herself
> 
> thoughts? or has anyone been in a similar scenario
> 
> thanks
> M


Welcome, but sorry about why you are here. From the little you have posted I hate to say it but your marriage is done. Your wife didn't have time for you, but did for a lover. Now she isn't in love with you anymore. The marriage isn't coming back from this. She has already detached herself from you. Time to do the 180 and detach yourself.


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## Diceplayer

I know that others will disagree, but with your youngest child at 12 years old, my opinion is that you stick around and play nice for the next 6 years until the youngest turns 18. That way you get to see your kids and be involved in their lives. The whole, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a load of crap. Loving someone is not about emotion, it's action. Implement the 180, but stay in the house for the kids.


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## Longtime Hubby

Six years is a long time


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## MattMatt

MC4B said:


> Hi ALL
> 
> Been married to my Wife for 15 years, together over 20. Lots of ups and downs; 4 kids, always busy with kids sports, and work, therefore not making time for each other, (more her) I'm always willing.
> 
> My wife has had an affair (over now) and I'm still struggling with it, feels like i have lost my direction...
> 
> She tells me she loves me but not in love with me and she doesn't know what she wants. I believe we are only still together because its easier then separating, i don't know what to do, I'm now questioning everything, do i stay and try or do i walk away ?
> 
> Not sure if counselling is an option as I'm willing but not sure if she is or will invest herself
> 
> thoughts? or has anyone been in a similar scenario
> 
> thanks
> M


Welcome to TAM.

Why did she break her vows?

Is she depressed? 

Counselling is an option, but I would put the emphasis on individual at first.


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## MattMatt

Longtime Hubby said:


> Six years is a long time


Really? That's six birthdays of a child, six Christmas Days. Looked at like that, maybe not so long?


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## jlg07

MOST of those kids would get to choose who they want to live with (maybe even the 12 year old). If the older ones know that the mother cheated (I don't know if that ever came out), they may in fact want to be with the Dad as the primary...


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## Longtime Hubby

MattMatt said:


> Really? That's six birthdays of a child, six Christmas Days. Looked at like that, maybe not so long?


But if the guy is miserable?


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## MattMatt

Longtime Hubby said:


> But if the guy is miserable?


If he is miserable and can't deal with the situation he could take action by seeing a solicitor/lawyer to end the marriage.


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## MC4B

Thanks everyone for you advice, 

We get along great, there is still affection, yes but things are not the same, there is no verbal re assurance, 

but very livable I guess, 

No one would know there is or has been issue as such, 


Communication is good, conversations is good, that’s where I find it hard, 

I want to be there for the kids and if being honest for my wife too, strange enough , 

I don’t know what to do, it’s like head vs heart 


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## Rus47

MC4B said:


> I want to be there for the kids and if being honest for my wife too, strange enough ,


You don't have to be married to "be there for the kids". There are millions of divorced men who are as "there for the kids" as any that are married. Why do you want to "be there" for your "wife"? She has told you verbally and by her cheating where you stand with her. She is just waiting until she finds someone else willing to take her fulltime, then she will be gone.

You are like nearly every other man posting a similar story, you want what you THOUGHT you had. But sorry, you can't have it. It isn't within your power to "save" what is already gone. We have to live reality, no matter how much we want a fantasy.


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## Diceplayer

Divorce usually means children lose daily contact with one parent, most often the father. Decreased contact affects the parent-child bond and many children feel less close to their fathers after divorce. For some children, parental separation isn’t the hardest part. Changing schools, moving to a new home, and living with a single parent who feels a little more frazzled are stressors that make divorce difficult for the child. Want to know the reason for the uptick in mass shootings? Since Columbine, 75% of school shooters come from broken homes.

Sure, many kids from broken homes turn out okay. Would they have done better if the home was not broken? Who knows? The point is, when people decide to have children, they need to realize that it is at least an 18 year commitment and they have to decide to put their own wants and needs aside for the child. If they are not able to do that, they should not have children.


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## Rus47

Diceplayer said:


> The point is, when people decide to have children, they need to realize that it is at least an 18 year commitment and they have to decide to put their own wants and needs aside for the child. If they are not able to do that, they should not have children.


Putting their wants and needs aside “for the kids” just insures the kids get raised in a stressed home where the parents are miserable all of the time. In OPs case, a home where the mother is doing other men and doesnt love the father of the kids.

When they had the kids both parents probably thought it was a forever marriage. I cant imagine anyone is thinking “well we arent in love any more, but lets make a baby anyway”


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## Diceplayer

Rus47 said:


> Putting their wants and needs aside “for the kids” just insures the kids get raised in a stressed home where the parents are miserable all of the time.


Well, we'll just have to disagree on that one. It's my belief that no one has to be miserable all the time. We are each responsible for our own happiness and not reliant on a spouse or anyone for our happiness. People can be civil and still not like each other. Destroying children's home just because one or both parents don't love each other is selfish.


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## RebuildingMe

Diceplayer said:


> Destroying children's home just because one or both parents don't love each other is selfish.


I couldn’t disagree more. This is old time thinking that is just not true. Kids excel in life when both of their parents are happy. Unfortunately, true happiness sometimes comes at the expense of breaking up the family and starting over. Kids are resilient when they are loved by both parents.


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## Evinrude58

MC4B said:


> Thank you, definitely over, but I’ve been thinking that feelings would change if I was to walk away,
> 
> Just hard to do
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It’s sooooooooohard to do. Read some of the old threads on the forum and see the guys that stayed for 20 years or more with a wife just like yours that felt the same but maybe not actually said the words ILYBINILWY and you will see that you are literally wasting your life with this woman who clearly doesn’t love you. If she did she wouldn’t cheat, and if she did now she wouldn’t lie and say she does. She loves herself, your wallet, knowing you are there for emotional support abd killing spiders…. But not YOU.

My advice is to force yourself to see an attorney and get out. Yes it will hurt, but you’ll eventually heal and actually experience live again. Living without love is no way to live.

I wish there was a way to fix it, but only she could do that and she doesn’t really want to.
Once this starts, it never gets better. Ever.
I’m sorry.


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## Diceplayer

RebuildingMe said:


> I couldn’t disagree more. This is old time thinking that is just not true. Kids excel in life when both of their parents are happy. Unfortunately, true happiness sometimes comes at the expense of breaking up the family and starting over. Kids are resilient when they are loved by both parents.


You can disagree and it may be old time thinking (like new time thinking is better?) There have been scores of studies done that shows the damage that is done to children when the home is broken. And God help them if parents remarry and have kids with the new SO. Now they are being shuffled between mon and dad and also competing for affection with half siblings who get to stay in one place. Take some time and read up on it. OP's best option for his kids is to stick it out until the youngest turns 18. I'm sure this is not what he wants, but nobody gets everything that they want


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## derelwex

Hi all. I'm new here too. I will be glad to communicate and talk on various topics. Have a nice day everyone!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

D


Diceplayer said:


> Well, we'll just have to disagree on that one. It's my belief that no one has to be miserable all the time. We are each responsible for our own happiness and not reliant on a spouse or anyone for our happiness. People can be civil and still not like each other. Destroying children's home just because one or both parents don't love each other is selfish.


We'll have to disagree on that one. D to avoid constant arguements, sullenness, building resentments etc is better for the kids.

The horror of a selfish marriage example is just propagated.


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