# Should I still be sleeping with him



## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Oh my what a mess.

Some of you know the story that after 21 years of marriage of H wants us to separate, but is still in the house and in my bed.

Things have been horrible but we are still having sex, great sex too. My mind is all over the place. This is not just a one off either it is often, more than before he told me. Why are we doing this:scratchhead:


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Since my long-term marriage didn't turn out so well, I'm probably not the best to offer advice. But, based on your other posts, I would have to say NO. Just look at the grief this man's actions have caused you. He doesn't want to be married to you, but he wants sex. I would have a frank talk with him. Tell him that he is the one who has CHOSEN to end the marriage. And the sex (or lack there of) goes with that decision. Since he wants to end the marriage, he really needs to leave the house! It is almost as though he is torturing you--wants a divorce, but won't leave the bed or the house. I'm sorry; he needs to leave you alone or be a husband. He can't have it both ways!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I know, its madness.

I understand all this, it just doesn't seem that easy when we are here together. 

I probably need to confront him and tell him to decide once and for all. But he admits that he still finds me sexually attractive. Am I just settling for this as it is better than nothing


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Country Girl said:


> Since my long-term marriage didn't turn out so well, I'm probably not the best to offer advice. But, based on your other posts, I would have to say NO. Just look at the grief this man's actions have caused you. He doesn't want to be married to you, but he wants sex. I would have a frank talk with him. Tell him that he is the one who has CHOSEN to end the marriage. And the sex (or lack there of) goes with that decision. Since he wants to end the marriage, he really needs to leave the house! It is almost as though he is torturing you--wants a divorce, but won't leave the bed or the house. I'm sorry; he needs to leave you alone or be a husband. He can't have it both ways!




:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

What are you getting out of the sex, you are saying "Yes"...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Well actually the sex is great so at least I get that out of it. 

I suppose the rest of the time I am kidding myself!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

With you, I don't think from reading your posts you can seperate sex and love. Having sex with him is confusing to you in that he wants to end the marriage and why I think its not a good idea for you.

It will only serve to drive you crazy and confuse you.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I know, I know , I know

Am feeling so bad, some attention is better than none. H doesn't make me feel cheap, I am doing that all by myself


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Some food for thought...

If you keep sleeping with him he will be able to control you...
and in this situation that could be a very bad thing.. FOR YOU.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks preso

I need telling straight

I am kidding myself that I can have sex without strings. While H obviously can, I cant. Is it like everything else that he is staying to make it easier for me, so is sex all part of that idea of his.

He knows I love him, although I actually haven't told him that at all lately, so is he abusing that. I would like to think not, but like all this he does appear in control.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Time for YOU to take control. Know what I mean? If he controls you, you will slide d-o-w-n. Get a grip...you can do it! Don't let yourself function out of fear.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I am turning into the desperate woman I promised myself I wouldn't become, but I love him and don't want any of this. What does he really want, I am too scared to ask.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I am moving out in a little less than a month, after 24 years of marriage where he had all the control (my kids). 

I don't have anyone new and am not sure I will ever want anyone again. It is a little scary, but also breathtaking.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Sandy55

That will be me some time soon I know. I am just so scared. The kids are grown, now H will be gone. I have never been my own person, and don't quite know how to be


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## shbuam (Jul 10, 2009)

Sex confuses and muddles things when they aren't clear, it's why it's important to not have sex early in a relationship. I personally can't even go in to the sex arena if the emotional aspect as well as direction of things isn't on target. I hope you find the answers you need. Big hugs


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I was in a highly sexual relationship for over 8 years. He was wrong for me on so many levels but the sex kept me around. When it came time to marry I just couldn't do it because I knew without the sex, there was little else there.
Good sex can confuse things......... I know that first hand.

Now I finally ripped myself away from all that madness and a relationship that would have destroyed me on all levels and found a nice man who doesn't play games.

The thing about it, was I really wasn't looking nor did I expect to marry in my late 40's, more so after the ex.
Thankfully................... ex did not destroy me to where I could not trust or love someone again. 

I think in your case, his sticking around has something to do with equity in the house. You can be sure since he wants a divorce, that what he wants isn't in your favor.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

In this situation, it is in your best interest to refuse to have sex with him anymore. It only keeps you emotionally connected to him, and that is the LAST thing you need. Be a strong woman and tell him, "out." You will feel better about yourself.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Tell him you would like to sleep with a husband who is committed and who wants to make the marriage work. As long as he says he's leaving and has one foot out the door, he is not that man. Sex will only serve to keep you in a weak position, because you still love him. He doesn't get to play you like this.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

It feels as if he is the one getting to decide how things happen. I cant change what is happening, what I want and feel are irrelevant to him. 

Is this really the man I have been married to for so long. When did he become this person that I don't know


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> It feels as if he is the one getting to decide how things happen. I cant change what is happening, what I want and feel are irrelevant to him.


Exactly! The sex needs to stop. Begin by taking control there!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Why is life so damned unfair. I thought we would grow old together


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Mum, because he's an idiot. I'd love someone to grow old with...sigh...

STOP sleeping in the same bed! Please, for your sanity! And no more sex!!! It's what keeps you tied to him so that he's in control. Stop it! Stop it! 

(((*** HUGS ***))) girl! We're here for you and each other. Hang on.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I am STILL crying. What the hell is wrong with me today.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Why is life so damned unfair. I thought we would grow old together


AMEN! I know what you mean. Are you a religious person at all? My faith in God has helped me get through this. I also started going back to church after my estranged husband and I separated. I found a whole community there to offer me loving support. I have to believe there is a reason for my suffering and have accepted it. Perhaps something better is ahead for those of us who find ourselves at this spot in life.



mumof2 said:


> I am STILL crying. What the hell is wrong with me today.


There is nothing wrong with you. I'm afraid this is normal. I cried for months and couldn't focus on a thing.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Oh Country Girl

I am so glad you have found some comfort and I hope soon that will be me. 

I am off work at the minute as I just couldn't concentrate on a thing. I feel totally out of control and I really don't know how to cope.

I am always the organiser, I always look after everyone else, including H and kids. 

I wouldn't call myself religious, but I do have an inner faith, that after my husband had a very serious accident many years ago, gave me much comfort.

On a positive note, i haven't had sex with him since I posted this


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Life isn't fair... and you never know what the future holds.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Yes, if we knew the good the future held, we would not be so scared of it. We fear the unknown...that is all.

You will be OK Mum....take it one minute at a time.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> I wouldn't call myself religious, but I do have an inner faith, that after my husband had a very serious accident many years ago, gave me much comfort.


Based on this, I'm going to make a rather odd suggestion. There's a book titled "Ask Your Guides" by Sonia Chocquette which you might find helpful. It is in the "New Age" section. I discovered the book on one of my darkest days and it gave me a real sense of peace. Since reading that book I no longer feel "alone". In addition I now listen to my intuition much more. Just a thought.....


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Sandy55
> 
> That will be me some time soon I know. I am just so scared. The kids are grown, now H will be gone. I have never been my own person, and don't quite know how to be


I agree with the other posters that sex confuses things, especially when you state the above (which I have felt as well about myself). I think as we women emerge from "mothering" we want to see ourselves a strong and sexy and who we were meant to be. It's almost like we feel the need to make up for lost time in the sex department. Or maybe our hormones are doing a number on us. Anyway, even though the sex is compelling it is just as much a problem for a woman in your situation as it is for a teen age girl. You need to figure out who you are. If you husband does not want to be married. Tell him to either commit to you or leave so you can BE and appreciate YOURSELF!!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

WTF


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> WTF


Its like a broken record in most all the threads.
report it....


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Do you think I should be sleeping with H now he has said he is 'seeing how it goes'. 
I am not just sure but I am a woman with needs, don't know if I can hold out!!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Do you think I should be sleeping with H now he has said he is 'seeing how it goes'.
> I am not just sure but I am a woman with needs, don't know if I can hold out!!!


If it were me in your shoes........... no

not as long as he is thinking about divorce.

Seeing how it goes means nothing. Just buys him time.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

NO

/thread


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Way to go, girl, cutting off the sex spigot!! 

Please remember you will have ups and downs, and the downs always feel like they will never go away. They will. Make a list NOW of things to do when you are stuck; you won't be able to think of things then. And remember, you won't WANT to do anything, so you do have to force yourself. Even if it is something lame, do it just to get in the habit of pushing yourself. But, better, make a list of ways to "baby" yourself IF you can do so without feeling too sorry for yourself. Redo your nails, take a bubble bath, go to the spa, get a massage, go to the library and wander around reading a bit of whatever you see, call a friend, write a blog (you don't have to make it public), go to the pet store, take kids to a silly movie, etc., etc. Also give yourself permission to think for some time at a specific time of day--I let myself feel sorry for myself but only at a given time for a given amount of time. As time passes, I find I don't need all that time always. It does get easier--heartbreak is really hard, and add to that all the stress of having to re-imagine your life, well, of course you will cry! The trick is, to make crying productive and limited. Please let us know how you are doing!!


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

If your still having sex then stop! I was doing the same thing but you can't turn off the emotional side of it. Then you start doing wondering if it could work on the marriage still. All it is is a game & I would know trust me. My husband has been cut off completely. Even though he doesn't want to be with me he is always getting a hold of me & wanting to hang out with me. I can't get away long enough to clear my head. 

Don't let this continue & ask him to sleep in another room, on couch, or find some where else to sleep all together. You need to be strong. He's got to see what he is throwing away by wanting to separate. Mine is going thru that & all I want is to be happy with or without him.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Mum, when I was dumped, I took off work for a couple of days but found that when I did go back to work my job kept my mind off the xgf. 

It was the commute (turned the radio up loud) and the lonely time at home that got me thinking again. Then one day I woke up and it was gone. 

Mine was "only" a 3.5 year relationship (that I moved across country for!) and I was getting used to the idea that she lied the whole time so maybe that's why it only took a few weeks for me. I don't know; but I do know it will ease. 

As for your needs...have you thought about a toy?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If you decide to not have sex with him anymore, then get him out of the bedroom.

I tried this sleep together but no sex. It was driving me crazy. I felt some relief and could actually sleep once he left the room.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I know what everyone is saying. I just dont know what is wrong with me at the minute. I am normally such a rational person and have always been the strong one.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Could it be that the sex is just comforting to you? That you feel some security with it, or that it may be a way of keeping yourself in denial that the split may not actually happen?

It could also be that he's had someone on the side, that person is waivering, and now he is "thinking" of sticking around.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I don't think there is someone else, but you are right about it being some comfort.

It is like he is back to the old H and nothing has changed, till afterwards then reality hits.

When H gave me his news I felt totally unwanted so I suppose some of it is also a bit of satisfaction that I know I can still really turn him on.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"_it is also a bit of satisfaction that I know I can still really turn him on_".

Ahhh:

This gives you a sense of power.
His telling you he doesn't want to be with you any longer leaves you powerless.
So having sex, knowing you can still "plow his field" quite well and leave him smiling gives you a sense of power and control over him.

I understand that TOTALLY.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thats it Sandy55

It has given me back just a little bit of control i think. And he has actually been asking me what I want in the bedroom and taking his time so its not as if it has been all over for his satisfaction.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Thats it Sandy55
> 
> It has given me back just a little bit of control i think. And he has actually been asking me what I want in the bedroom and taking his time so its not as if it has been all over for his satisfaction.


You should have him painting the house instead of having sex with him :lol:


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Actually thats not a bad idea


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Have him wash your car too, detail it, and do all the stuff like that for you....
that way you will really be in control and he gets nothing ( but sweaty)


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

preso am mentally drawing up a list right now :smthumbup:


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

If you want some ideas...........

make you dinner, take you to your favorite resturant at least 2x a week ( he pays).
Go to a chick flic with you every month....
"lets talk" 3x a week for an hour or two before dinner ( not bedtime as he could fall asleep)

SHOPPING, preferably walmart... weekly to help in obtaining groceries and supplies,

for dinner, veggies , yougurt and fruit ...............
have him make it for you and enjoy it with you 

those are some dooooooooooozies 
If possible, do this stuff on a NFL sunday or any day his TV sports are on 
Talk about total control, you are likley to have orgasms !!!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

No walmart here for me, but all those Brits out there will appreciate it if I use Marks and Spencers instead.

On a serious note though, I just want him to want to do those things for me, if you know what I mean. If he isn't prepared to try or put some effort in then we are doomed. 

he has been better, more attentive but I still feel he is holding back ,except in the bedroom . Really I would more understand if he was being completely selfish in the bedroom but he is being the complete opposite. Boy am I confused.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> No walmart here for me, but all those Brits out there will appreciate it if I use Marks and Spencers instead.
> 
> On a serious note though, I just want him to want to do those things for me, if you know what I mean. If he isn't prepared to try or put some effort in then we are doomed.
> 
> he has been better, more attentive but I still feel he is holding back ,except in the bedroom . Really I would more understand if he was being completely selfish in the bedroom but he is being the complete opposite. Boy am I confused.


ehhh hemm.
I was being serious.
and he better enjoy it and be attentive while "sharing" with you. That he gets nothing out of the deal will tell you how much he cares and wants to be married.
STOP SEX with him.... that is not the way to feel powerful and in control. Make him sleep on the couch


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Am going to be assertive. Wont make him sleep[ on couch but do have 2 bedrooms he could use. Bit of a bloody cheek actually as he has the choice of 2 other double beds.

You are right, he needs do do selfless things. I do them all the time without thinking he doesnt. Hmmmm


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

omg, i'm having that sexually desire to sleep with him too. but now that he's out of the house and we not supposed to be talking - it makes it easier. but man!!!! i have needs too!!!! 

i actually was the one who cut it off. wouldn't let him see me naked even. if his heart is not 100% with me and at home, why bother. i respect myself too much. but boy, it's hard!!! it is nice to know when he tells me how attracted he still is too me. it is a control thing for me for sure.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

preso said:


> If you want some ideas...........
> 
> make you dinner, take you to your favorite resturant at least 2x a week ( he pays).
> Go to a chick flic with you every month....
> ...


Preso, did you by any chance send that list to my wife? 


John


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

:lol::lol:


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

NothingMan said:


> Preso, did you by any chance send that list to my wife?
> 
> 
> John


No...
but I asked my husband what would be the most terrible things I could do... to havre him prove his love and that is what he told me...

shopping at walmart, fruit, yougurt, veggies for dinner and to "talk" for hours each week.
lol


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Preso

The fruit,yoghurt and veggies thing is a great idea. Thats usually my kind of dinner anyway as I am veggie, but H is big meat eater. He would hate it!!!

Am hoping for a meal out tomorrow so watch this space. Am trying to think of something else for the weekend. After all no kids at home


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

If your going out to eat... do a websearch in your area and look for a vegan place................Try as vegetarian resturant !!!!

( no meat)

something YOU would really enjoy ! I know I would !!!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> he has been better, more attentive but I still feel he is holding back ,except in the bedroom . Really I would more understand if he was being completely selfish in the bedroom but he is being the complete opposite. Boy am I confused.


Unselfish in the bedroom, huh?

HE'S A GUY!!!! You read all over here about "Love Languages". Physical touches, etc. is a LOT OF GUYS love language (including mine). My guess is that he is like a lot of guys and doesn't understand the differences. He feels loved by the physical things, and since he doesn't know the difference (remember, he's a guy), he's doing the natural thing, trying to show you love in the method that he himself feels loved? So he's really doing what he can in the bedroom for you. Just a guess, I could be wrong, but it makes sense.

Were as you are more likely the type that likes to have things done for you or given to you. You just need to let him know that there is a difference here. That while you like sex, that's not what you need to feel loved (at least not just that).


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Things have been horrible but we are still having sex, great sex too. My mind is all over the place. This is not just a one off either it is often, more than before he told me. Why are we doing this:scratchhead

Good for you - YOu are Letting him have his CAKE and EAT it too. It can only get better. Wake up , woman, he is using you to get off and leave cream in your stuff. YOu are doing it cause you are WEAK. Stop it and let him proceed with the seperation papers and just tell him to mail them to you when you need to sign (p.s. get a lawyer if you have kids and property between you two)


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

hey, check this out !
VegDining.com -- Your Online Guide to Vegetarian Restaurants Around the World (vegetarian restaurants, vegan restaurants, vegetarian restaurant, vegan restaurant, vegetarian dining, vegan dining, vegetarian travel, natural foods, vegetarianism, vegan


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Yes I know I am being weak but maybe its because ultimately I am totally, utterly and completely devastated and struggling each day to control the overwhelming sadness.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Sorry preso I meant to thank you for the link. Am going to search now. Usually we go to regular places and if I am lucky I get 2 choices of food!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

well, this is a way you can have some fun too... ( maybe some household help too, like him doing the shopping with you or going himself) as its not all about him. Having sex with him is not the way to feel loved or even in control. 
Not under these circumstances. 

Think of more things YOU would like to do, eat, etc.. and ask him to go with you, encourage him to have fun and good company while he accompanies you. That it would be nice for him to do more than just have sex.
Not saying you should never hve sex with him again, but it should be when he forfills your other needs and is being nice not in anticiaption of getting laid.
If he still ends up leaving you... at least you won't feel used and lied to as he will be an active partner in the relationship, not just a sex partner.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Spot on preso. We have been out a couple of times in recent weeks and I think H surprised himself that we had a nice time.

He has said he still enjoys my company, so that is a start. H is stuck at an airport now and has been texting while he waits. Just light hearted stuff, but this is what it used to be like. 

I miss him


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## preso (May 1, 2009)




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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

ITS THE WEEKEND. i HATE THE WEEKENDS.

Have just been to the gym felling better about myself I think and even better that H could not keep his eyes off my bottom in my lycra gym kit!
I pretended not to notice him looking


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

mmm, hey, mum! Post a pic for an independant evaluation! I'm an expert! Or, at least have lots of experience!  

I'm sure you're doing fine, girl...keep it up! 

Weekends are good...time to relax, drink, eat, have fun...do your own thing, live for yourself, recharge for the next work week. Or get lots of sleep/rest time for yourself.  

Preso, I did that voluntarily (and still got screwed - and not in the good way!). I helped paint the insides of the house, fixed up the outside, trimmed the yard, (re)planted flowers (with her guidance, I'm not a gardening person), cleaned out the "junk" (put it into storage)...all to make it more attractive for her to sell. Guess what? She took it off the market and married a sugar daddy to help keep it. "Around the house" jobs do NOT cut it! Sorry, a little rant.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Just keep that image in your head dcrim.

He admitted to me later that he found it a real turn on, but I have resisted so far.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

hee hee..just trying to get a rise out of you, girl! glad you're still here!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

well it certainly brought a smile to my face I can tell you. And that has been sadly lacking just lately


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

What are the EXACT reasons why he wants to separate? Obviously it's not the sex. Find the "why's" and set a goal of fixing the marriage, dealing with one "why" at a time. Everything is possible if you are willing to dig deep and find the problems and then commit 110% to dealing with them. Even if you are the only one, at first, who wants to fix it, I believe your words, attitudes and actions can influence him to "get on board"... 21 years of marriage isn't something you just throw away without a fight... I should know, we just celebrated our 20th last week. Give it all you have and try to fix it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Should I still be sleeping with him?*

No. Not when he wants a separation from you. You see, as long as you keep this up, he gets all his needs met, and you get... crumbs.

Is he cheating? If so, you're putting yourself at risk for STDs.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This thread is from 2009. The OP is long gone


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