# I'm a good girl gone bad caught in a triangle-really need advice



## goodgirlGB (Sep 19, 2009)

I'll make this as short as possible. Been married for 10 years, 4 children all with husband, ages 2-8. Had a happy, ordinary life until 10 months ago. Always been faithful, never cheated, never even thought about another man. Then found out husband had been cheating at various times throughout the marriage, emotionally and physically. Was devastated & hurt beyond belief, separated for one month, got back together b/c of religious beliefs, for the sake of the kids, and for fear of being divorced & single w/ 4 kids, and also wanted to try to make the marriage work; we went to couns. (indiv & marriage), but I just couldn't get over it. A friend introduced me to someone ( a man, 2yrs younger than me, single, no kids, recently broken up w/ gf b/c she cheated) "to talk to" on the phone. We were both hurt and scorned, but found talking to each other comforting & exciting. We shared laughs, dreams, stories, etc... and finally decided to meet in person. When we met, the chemistry was so thick and our compatibility was obvious. After a month or so of sneaking around to hang out and talk, and talking on the phone, we were intimate. Well now it's been several months, my husband and I are still together, but I really think I'm in love with this other person. I don't know what to do, I don't think the other guy wants anything serious, but I'm almost willing to leave the marriage just to date him freely b/c I've never had a connection w/ anyone like this-not even with my husband when we first met. I've tried to leave him alone for several wks at a time, but I can never get him out of my head and thoughts, even if I don't talk to or see him. Please help!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey, 

I am biased because I am going through painful separation which I didn't ask for - 

and if you are here on this forum my guess is that you already know what should do 

my immediate thought is that 'no good' can come out of this.

I can imagine how betrayed you must have felt about your H's actions - 

and I can understand that you now feel 'connected' to this guy in your life 

but unless you believe in some Hollywood version of romantic love it spells disaster to me

you are still the same person, married with 4 kids - 
who was willing to work with their H after his infedility to keep the family together - THAT IS WHO YOU ARE

what has happened to that dream - that conviction?

you know that you are thinking short term - 
(if you are thinking at all at present) 

of course you are going to have a 'different' connection this guy.

of course it feels special and exciting and romantic - it's heady stuff 

but you know it's a DRUG that won't last forever - 

- even leaving someone in the best of circumstances is ugly and de-coupling doesn't happen over night - you may leave your husband and fill your head with your new man - 

but going through separation, divorce, settlement, is VERY UNROMANTIC and woudl put immediate strain on your new love

not to mention 4 KIDS - goodness 

will they love him as much as you do? and vice versa?

take a deep breath and get off those love drugs 

if you want to leave your H at least do it with some dignity knowing that you are abiding by the values that you have always held - 

in the end you won't be left with a whole lot if you haven't done that.


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## OFM_Tom (Sep 18, 2009)

In my experience, that euphoric feeling is what gets you into relationships. But real love isn't like that. It is quiet. You're a long way from knowing if there is anything real between you and this other guy. While I'm not saying you should stay with your husband, you don't need the crutch of another relationship as an excuse to leave.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

I totally agree with knortoh... after all the initial heady stuff would wear off and you are in the middle of kid sharing... and all the really nasty stuff that goes with divorced couples, I think you would see things very differently.

Right now, you are being blinded by this so called chemistry that seems to be between you and No 2 - it won't last.

You are much better than that.

You do not deserve to end up in some tumble down shack trying to keep rent paid, mouths fed and working two jobs all because someone dumped you after there was no more chemistry.

Be the queen your hubby married and learn how to make sure he never even THINKS about cheating on you again. (click here for a fav site of mine with some books that may help you with that....


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## zengoddess (Sep 20, 2009)

What Knortoh said.

I am a believer on working on one's marriage. It's hard work, and yes it's hardly romantic. But it's real life. It's what remains at the end of the day: growing old with someone who's there for you no matter what. Isn't it what you want?

I am a realist: monogamy is hardly natural. We could only wish/hope it, but to expect it at all times is somewhat unrealistic. You have to have a lot of forgiveness to have a lasting marriage. With anyone.

Don't believe in the drugs of the honeymoon period of romantic love. It won't last. And you only set your heart to more ache to fall for it. It's an illusion.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Lets see the guy has no kids. Has a women who wants to have fun with him.. Of course he's liking it now. Getting involved with an ex-husband and 4 kids NOT his. Sorry but he for one has NO MORALES.. Any man getting involved with a married women can't. I can not see this going any where.. It will only lead to everybody being hurt and the OM will have some fun and memories. I am too for working out a marriage but you guys have done some SERIOUS damage. It might not be able to be saved.. Good Luck


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You said you don't think he wants anything serious...

If you leave your marriage (which you probably should because you've already compounded the underlying problems) do it for yourself, not for this guy who isn't afraid to borrow someone else's wife. Is that really the kind of person you want?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You got hurt bad, and by connecting with this guy who went thru the same thing, your feelings surrounding the situation have been validated. Couple that with the emotional pain of being made to feel less than desirable because of the affairs, and you are looking at this man with stars in your eyes hon. If you go with him, REAL life will set in, and I PROMISE you the "shiny" will wear off. It's easy to chase the endorphins associated with a "new love" but it's REALLY only lust. You are entering into emotional affair territory with this man. 
IF you want out of your marriage, do it for the RIGHT reasons. This other guy, he's not in it for the long haul, and you're going to make a horrible mistake if you think he is. It is a LOT easier to relationship hop then it is to fix the areas in your marriage (and yourselves) that led to the affairs...and I include YOU in this, because you have to learn stronger coping skills in order to get thru either saving your marriage, or divorcing. Either way, the other guy is NOT the answer.


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## goodgirlGB (Sep 19, 2009)

I know that each and every one of you are right and I know that involving a 3rd party in this madness was a bad idea to begin with. It did start off innocently, but quickly (because of my own pain & obvious lack of self esteem at the time) crossed way too many lines. Although it would have never been "ok" to cross those lines, I wish it would have just been a one night stand or something that didn't involve feelings for each other. Deep down I know there is no future for me and the other guy, and if i'm completely honest with myself the "idea" of us is what's exciting and the idea of how it would be to be together. In reality our idea nor ideal relationship has even considered my children (whom he's never met and never even asks about) and the fall out of a divorce. You guys just verbalized what i already know, it's just lust and it makes me feel good and validated to be desired by another man, especially a young & attractive one, but no matter how I look at it, it isn't real and too many people stand to get hurt in the end. I will do what's right, I will cease all communication with this other guy and devote myself fully and completely to repairing my marriage. If after I've given my all to make things right, it still doesn't work, then I'll focus on healing myself and then think about starting another relationship.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

goodgirlGB said:


> I will do what's right, I will cease all communication with this other guy and devote myself fully and completely to repairing my marriage. If after I've given my all to make things right, it still doesn't work, then I'll focus on healing myself and then think about starting another relationship.


That's what I suggest. I planned on leaving my husband, let myself start to get attached to someone else, pulled the plug on that, and then proceeded with separation/divorce completely on my own. If you decide to leave, do NOT let it be for someONE else--Let it be for YOU and YOU alone. I have no regrets about leaving, none; I haven't second-guessed myself once. If I was leaving b/c of someone else, I'd have terrible anxiety about "what if it doesn't work?" etc. I have no anxiety, because all I expect is to be ALONE in the future. If anything/anyone comes along, great; if not, that's ok too. I just cannot remain in a loveless marriage any longer; I'd much rather be alone. Good luck!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> That's what I suggest. I planned on leaving my husband, let myself start to get attached to someone else, pulled the plug on that, and then proceeded with separation/divorce completely on my own. If you decide to leave, do NOT let it be for someONE else--Let it be for YOU and YOU alone. I have no regrets about leaving, none; I haven't second-guessed myself once. If I was leaving b/c of someone else, I'd have terrible anxiety about "what if it doesn't work?" etc. I have no anxiety, because all I expect is to be ALONE in the future. If anything/anyone comes along, great; if not, that's ok too. I just cannot remain in a loveless marriage any longer; I'd much rather be alone. Good luck!


Sister thats the only way to divorce. When there is NO ATTACHMENT.. My wife tells me her stress level is so high she can't breathe. I mentioned isnt that telling you something? That maybe your not doing the right thing?? After then she started to stop fighting it and we are getting better slowly.. Well at least I think so.


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