# Recovery alcoholic chances of keeping marriage???



## 3kidsforlife

Back story, I was a member when my first marriage ended so there is that. Took 5 years too find myself and found my current wife after that. Currently I’ve been sober for 2 months going through AA every day. Thank God for AA! I’ve always had a problem with drinking and in the last year it’s been unstoppable. My wife covered/enabled me from the family and kids(5 kids total together). I pushed the last button on her and she wants a split(5 years together 2 married). Hasn’t asked for a divorce yet. That’s when I started my sober journey 2 months ago. My wife wants to work on herself and be an adult/individual. She states she has never done that even after her first divorce. She found me within the first year. We are currently in the same house for a while because of financial issues for both. I treat her with the utmost respect and give her space in the house. I basically live on a different floor then her. Never been needy except for the first day or two because I was probably still drunk. We do talk like friends. Trying to make this as amicable as possible with a lot of hope. Well because of some snooping I found out she basically in limerence with an old friend of hers. I know she will never be with this man on a physical level because he lives in a different state. She states they are just friends. They both have an anxiety disorder that keeps them from traveling. He’s in his 40’s and is stuck living with his parents. She is also has to stay in this state because of her kids. She adores this man because of the emotional bond they have. He realizes the true fact but still keeps their thing going(found out reading texts). I want my wife to be happy but I also would like a chance at a better sober life with her(she doesn’t drink). I really would love to talk about this with some people!!!


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> Back story, I was a member when my first marriage ended so there is that. Took 5 years too find myself and found my current wife after that. Currently I’ve been sober for 2 months going through AA every day. Thank God for AA! I’ve always had a problem with drinking and in the last year it’s been unstoppable. My wife covered/enabled me from the family and kids(5 kids total together). I pushed the last button on her and she wants a split(5 years together 2 married). Hasn’t asked for a divorce yet. That’s when I started my sober journey 2 months ago. My wife wants to work on herself and be an adult/individual. She states she has never done that even after her first divorce. She found me within the first year. We are currently in the same house for a while because of financial issues for both. I treat her with the utmost respect and give her space in the house. I basically live on a different floor then her. Never been needy except for the first day or two because I was probably still drunk. We do talk like friends. Trying to make this as amicable as possible with a lot of hope. Well because of some snooping I found out she basically in limerence with an old friend of hers. I know she will never be with this man on a physical level because he lives in a different state. She states they are just friends. They both have an anxiety disorder that keeps them from traveling. He’s in his 40’s and is stuck living with his parents. She is also has to stay in this state because of her kids. She adores this man because of the emotional bond they have. He realizes the true fact but still keeps their thing going(found out reading texts). I want my wife to be happy but I also would like a chance at a better sober life with her(she doesn’t drink). I really would love to talk about this with some people!!!


Speaking from the perspective of your wife, she may never recover her feelings for you, even if she never talks to this other guy again. The person who drinks (you) has NO idea of how their actions and lack of control, and broken promises, and lies, and chaos, and unpredictability damage their relationships. And right now, she has NO trust in you or your "sobriety"....it's meaningless to her. All she sees when she looks at you right now is the drunk who has been tormenting her for a long long time.

Considering that and the fact that you are only 2 months into sobriety, you have NO business even considering being a partner to her...or anyone. Taking those first sober steps and then REMAINING sober is going to take ALL your emotional energy - you need to learn to cope without alcohol, and that can be difficult and hard work. And trying to do that while navigating a relationship that is barely functional could jeopardize your ability to stay sober.

My advice to you is to concentrate on STAYING SOBER. Once you have 6 months comfortably under your belt, MAYBE you can talk to her about where she is with her feelings for you and your relationship. But trust me, trying to maintain your sobriety while salvaging a dysfunctional relationship will be too much pressure on you, and you will most likely lose BOTH.

I would also recommend individual counseling for you, to help you figure out how you got to a place where alcohol became the best choice for you in your life.

GOOD LUCK!!


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## 3kidsforlife

LisaDiane said:


> Speaking from the perspective of your wife, she may never recover her feelings for you, even if she never talks to this other guy again. The person who drinks (you) has NO idea of how their actions and lack of control, and broken promises, and lies, and chaos, and unpredictability damage their relationships. And right now, she has NO trust in you or your "sobriety"....it's meaningless to her. All she sees when she looks at you right now is the drunk who has been tormenting her for a long long time.
> 
> Considering that and the fact that you are only 2 months into sobriety, you have NO business even considering being a partner to her...or anyone. Taking those first sober steps and then REMAINING sober is going to take ALL your emotional energy - you need to learn to cope without alcohol, and that can be difficult and hard work. And trying to do that while navigating a relationship that is barely functional could jeopardize your ability to stay sober.
> 
> My advice to you is to concentrate on STAYING SOBER. Once you have 6 months comfortably under your belt, MAYBE you can talk to her about where she is with her feelings for you and your relationship. But trust me, trying to maintain your sobriety while salvaging a dysfunctional relationship will be too much pressure on you, and you will most likely lose BOTH.
> 
> I would also recommend individual counseling for you, to help you figure out how you got to a place where alcohol became the best choice for you in your life.
> 
> GOOD LUCK!!


Thank you so much for your reply! Your perspective of my wife is spot on. Only difference is she constantly checks on me going to meetings. Greets me almost every time I come home also. I have been taking away anything that would remind her or cause a second guess for her and my family. I keep a very strict time schedule(work/meeting/home). You are correct on just about everything!! 

I’m doing great on my recovery. My sponsor and group are supper proud of me. I always held in my fears and depression/anxiety. My wife always wanted me to talk about it and I never did. After opening up to everyone and still crying almost every day(from holding every thing in). After be sober and seeing the damage I created is almost unbearable most days!

I wish I could go to counseling again but not affordable for me. But I was trying to get the wife in. But that has to be up to her. They won’t except me making an appointment for her. But she does want to for her anxiety not the marriage.

Question, my sister recommended that I give her my old coins when I receive a new one?


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## DownByTheRiver

You can't really be making any decisions yet because only 2 months sober, but I realize two months is a major victory for you and probably the hardest two months. 

So congratulations on that. But as you learn in AA, you likely won't be stable enough to be making big decisions for at least a year. You will have some maturing to do and that takes some years because very often alcoholics get stuck emotionally and intellectually at the point where they started drinking in earnest. So really what you need to do right now is just try to focus on staying in AA and staying sober and not worry about making any decisions for at least a year or until AA thinks it's okay. 

I'm sorry you have that situation with your wife. The truth is with them both having anxiety problems, even if they could beam themselves into each other's living room, they're both probably too dysfunctional to really connect in person. I mean he's never become an adult. It's easy to sit around and moon over someone on the internet knowing full well nothing can ever come of it. I would certainly get sick of listening about it, but I would let her sort out her problems and stay focused on your own. That way once you're successful in building a new life as a sober man, you may be ready to take on a different type of relationship yourself.


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## 3kidsforlife

DownByTheRiver said:


> You can't really be making any decisions yet because only 2 months sober, but I realize two months is a major victory for you and probably the hardest two months.
> 
> So congratulations on that. But as you learn in AA, you likely won't be stable enough to be making big decisions for at least a year. You will have some maturing to do and that takes some years because very often alcoholics get stuck emotionally and intellectually at the point where they started drinking in earnest. So really what you need to do right now is just try to focus on staying in AA and staying sober and not worry about making any decisions for at least a year or until AA thinks it's okay.
> 
> I'm sorry you have that situation with your wife. The truth is with them both having anxiety problems, even if they could beam themselves into each other's living room, they're both probably too dysfunctional to really connect in person. I mean he's never become an adult. It's easy to sit around and moon over someone on the internet knowing full well nothing can ever come of it. I would certainly get sick of listening about it, but I would let her sort out her problems and stay focused on your own. That way once you're successful in building a new life as a sober man, you may be ready to take on a different type of relationship yourself.


Thank you some much for replying! Yes I’m very proud to have made it this far! Hopefully it’s somewhat like quitting other things for me. I have an addictive personality. But when I have quit other things it’s been cold turkey and have never returned to them. 

Decision are unfortunately going be coming hard and fast for me. I’ve wrecked my family’s credit by missing some payments. So to make my wife and step kids life easier. I will be moving out in a couple months. If I’m unable to find a place for me and my kids. They will be living full time with their mom. And I will be bouncing around for awhile. I lost a great paying job and found another at a lot less money. So lots on my plate. But in 2 months I’ve thought about drinking once. It was a very bad day!! So I thank my God every day for sobriety!


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## DownByTheRiver

It is a very good sign that you have found it easy enough to quit cold turkey on other things. 

I'm sure your family will think just about anything is worth it as long as you're successful in staying sober. So just concentrate on your own recovery and on your own employment and keeping a roof over your head. As you get stronger, things will be easier to think about and decide on. So just don't try to make it or you're trying to think about everything at once including the distant future. You know when I you just have to worry about today. What you're going through is already overwhelming. Don't further overwhelm yourself by trying to think too far in the future. Set little goals to take care of your personal business. You don't have to do it all at once.


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## 3kidsforlife

DownByTheRiver said:


> It is a very good sign that you have found it easy enough to quit cold turkey on other things.
> 
> I'm sure your family will think just about anything is worth it as long as you're successful in staying sober. So just concentrate on your own recovery and on your own employment and keeping a roof over your head. As you get stronger, things will be easier to think about and decide on. So just don't try to make it or you're trying to think about everything at once including the distant future. You know when I you just have to worry about today. What you're going through is already overwhelming. Don't further overwhelm yourself by trying to think too far in the future. Set little goals to take care of your personal business. You don't have to do it all at once.


This hits home so much. I constantly worry about the future! I get stuck in my brain all the time that way.


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## Talker67

good for you for being 2 months sober!
that is really hard to do.

Now steel yourself to be forever sober....work on that, show your wife your accomplishments, and slowly, things will improve. She has to see an actual physical change, not just words, from you


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## Laurentium

So where are you in the 12 steps?


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## In Absentia

How did your drinking impacted your life exactly? Where you a functioning alcoholic, or did it get completely out of control?

IMO, your wife's has checked out of the marriage, which is understandable. Alcoholics usually don't notice anything until it's too late.


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## 3kidsforlife

Talker67 said:


> good for you for being 2 months sober!
> that is really hard to do.
> 
> Now steel yourself to be forever sober....work on that, show your wife your accomplishments, and slowly, things will improve. She has to see an actual physical change, not just words, from you


Thank you for that! Actions speak loader than words right. I’ve always thought as well. I was thinking about this last night. The sobriety is actually coming very easy. Which is scary but good! I’ve just made a conscious decision to never drink again. I’m giving it to my God to help me keep that. I’m done hurting myself and the people I love!


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## 3kidsforlife

Laurentium said:


> So where are you in the 12 steps?


Im working on 4 right now with my sponsor. It’s honestly tuff for me. I’m not a resentful man. My biggest resent is myself!! I just have to do it and get it over and admit my wrongs.


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## 3kidsforlife

In Absentia said:


> How did your drinking impacted your life exactly? Where you a functioning alcoholic, or did it get completely out of control?
> 
> IMO, your wife's has checked out of the marriage, which is understandable. Alcoholics usually don't notice anything until it's too late.


Thank you for the reply! Exactly! It got to the point I just couldn’t stop. Morning noon and night! 24/7 I was drunk and uncontrollable. No we don’t notice anything, focus is on one goal.


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> Thank you so much for your reply! Your perspective of my wife is spot on. Only difference is she constantly checks on me going to meetings. Greets me almost every time I come home also. I have been taking away anything that would remind her or cause a second guess for her and my family. I keep a very strict time schedule(work/meeting/home). You are correct on just about everything!!
> 
> I’m doing great on my recovery. My sponsor and group are supper proud of me. I always held in my fears and depression/anxiety. My wife always wanted me to talk about it and I never did. After opening up to everyone and still crying almost every day(from holding every thing in). After be sober and seeing the damage I created is almost unbearable most days!
> 
> I wish I could go to counseling again but not affordable for me. But I was trying to get the wife in. But that has to be up to her. They won’t except me making an appointment for her. But she does want to for her anxiety not the marriage.
> 
> Question, my sister recommended that I give her my old coins when I receive a new one?


That all sounds very promising! You need to work on rebuilding trust with her, which is what was damaged the most with your drinking. But it takes a LONG time, so don't expect everything to flip back when YOU are ready...it can only happen when SHE is ready.

Since you cannot afford counseling, have you ever searched online for an AA forum? I bet there are several (especially after Covid), and that might be a great alternative to counseling and another way to help you learn to cope with your real life and your feelings! You might also suggest that your wife looks into Al-Anon, to help her with how your drinking has changed her. Much of her anxiety might come from dealing with and loving an alcoholic, so learning to stop being so co-dependent could be very positive for her.

As for the your old coins, just ask her if she wants them, as a reminder that you are working hard to be sober and to be your best self. She might not, and that's ok too. She might want action from you, not tokens. So don't feel bad if she says No to keeping them.

Just focus on your recovery and staying sober, because that is the key to getting and KEEPING your life on track with what YOU want.


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## 3kidsforlife

So last night I was doing some meditation and something came to me. I have way to much HOPE for my marriage. I’m fixated on it! Obviously their online rebound relationship won’t last. I know this women she was my best friend. She needs physical touch, something to hold on to physically. He is a broken man who hasn’t barely left his house in 15 years. Hasn’t had a job in 15 years. Lives with his parents at 40 because of his anxiety. Their views on life are totally different! She’s using him for the emotional up lift. She is an avoidant by nature. This is nothing more than a rebound for her. It’s already showing signs with her emotional connecting with me in conversation more and more every day.

I need to focus on me! Becoming the man my morals believe I am. Better every thing! Even if she wanted to make it work I have to become that. But that choice has to be hers!

She’s got some tuff decisions coming up soon with financial stuff. I think I’m going to step back and let her try to figure out her finances on her own. Yes I helped create our problems with my alcoholism but she was also the one who made choice in the end. If she asks I’ll help but I won’t take the lead like I always have. Maybe a dose of reality wouldn’t hurt her. Maybe I’m wrong?

Thoughts???


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## Laurentium

3kidsforlife said:


> I’m not a resentful man. My biggest resent is myself!!


I remember thinking that, once upon a time.....


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## LisaDiane

Laurentium said:


> I remember thinking that, once upon a time.....


I can't believe YOU are a resentful person!!!


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> So last night I was doing some meditation and something came to me. I have way to much HOPE for my marriage. I’m fixated on it! Obviously their online rebound relationship won’t last. I know this women she was my best friend. She needs physical touch, something to hold on to physically. He is a broken man who hasn’t barely left his house in 15 years. Hasn’t had a job in 15 years. Lives with his parents at 40 because of his anxiety. Their views on life are totally different! She’s using him for the emotional up lift. She is an avoidant by nature. This is nothing more than a rebound for her. It’s already showing signs with her emotional connecting with me in conversation more and more every day.
> 
> I need to focus on me! Becoming the man my morals believe I am. Better every thing! Even if she wanted to make it work I have to become that. But that choice has to be hers!
> 
> She’s got some tuff decisions coming up soon with financial stuff. I think I’m going to step back and let her try to figure out her finances on her own. Yes I helped create our problems with my alcoholism but she was also the one who made choice in the end. If she asks I’ll help but I won’t take the lead like I always have. Maybe a dose of reality wouldn’t hurt her. Maybe I’m wrong?
> 
> Thoughts???


This MIGHT be a good idea, it all depends on the strengths and weaknesses of your particular relationship.

I will give you some definite thoughts about how this would make me feel...
If you want to do something like this with her, I think you need to TELL her this is your plan.
After all the unpredictability of your drinking, she will most likely feel very anxious is she is expecting you to do something and you don't do it, to teach her a lesson (which is never appreciated by the receiver of such a lesson). I'm not saying you are wrong to make this plan, but make sure you TELL her.

For me, having my partner confuse me is the quickest way to get me to feel insecure and uncertain about him, which makes me feel UN-loved. And that's the last thing you want her to feel at this point in your relationship.

Let her know what you think is the best way to do things going forward, and what you expect from her, and let her talk about her concerns so you can both discuss everything. And don't be unwilling to change things around more or less if your plan doesn't work.


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## 3kidsforlife

LisaDiane said:


> This MIGHT be a good idea, it all depends on the strengths and weaknesses of your particular relationship.
> 
> I will give you some definite thoughts about how this would make me feel...
> If you want to do something like this with her, I think you need to TELL her this is your plan.
> After all the unpredictability of your drinking, she will most likely feel very anxious is she is expecting you to do something and you don't do it, to teach her a lesson (which is never appreciated by the receiver of such a lesson). I'm not saying you are wrong to make this plan, but make sure you TELL her.
> 
> For me, having my partner confuse me is the quickest way to get me to feel insecure and uncertain about him, which makes me feel UN-loved. And that's the last thing you want her to feel at this point in your relationship.
> 
> Let her know what you think is the best way to do things going forward, and what you expect from her, and let her talk about her concerns so you can both discuss everything. And don't be unwilling to change things around more or less if your plan doesn't work.


Thank you for your perspective!! Very much appreciated. I’m probably being more of jerk then anything if I went about doing this. I think im just a little upset about how she doesn’t remember the conversations we have gone over financially like 3 times. Probably the limerence for rebound guy. Or her avoidant nature. I want to help but I can only say or do so much.


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## Beach123

3kidsforlife said:


> Thank you so much for your reply! Your perspective of my wife is spot on. Only difference is she constantly checks on me going to meetings. Greets me almost every time I come home also. I have been taking away anything that would remind her or cause a second guess for her and my family. I keep a very strict time schedule(work/meeting/home). You are correct on just about everything!!
> 
> I’m doing great on my recovery. My sponsor and group are supper proud of me. I always held in my fears and depression/anxiety. My wife always wanted me to talk about it and I never did. After opening up to everyone and still crying almost every day(from holding every thing in). After be sober and seeing the damage I created is almost unbearable most days!
> 
> I wish I could go to counseling again but not affordable for me. But I was trying to get the wife in. But that has to be up to her. They won’t except me making an appointment for her. But she does want to for her anxiety not the marriage.
> 
> Question, my sister recommended that I give her my old coins when I receive a new one?


Work on your codependency. Why are you trying to make her an appt for counseling but can’t afford it for you?
Have you done all the steps yet? Do that ASAP. And don’t give her your coins! Those are yours. You can give them to people you sponsor when they earn them.
You focus on yourself. Let your wife handle her issues.
As they say - stay in your own lane.


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## Beach123

3kidsforlife said:


> Im working on 4 right now with my sponsor. It’s honestly tuff for me. I’m not a resentful man. My biggest resent is myself!! I just have to do it and get it over and admit my wrongs.


Believe me - if you get honest with yourself - you’ll realize you resent way more than just yourself! 

Dig deep. Work with your sponsor and figure out what needs to go on your list. Get it done within the week! The best way is to get it done ASAP! Keep moving forward!!! Do not stop during your step work! Forward movement is key!


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## 3kidsforlife

Beach123 said:


> Work on your codependency. Why are you trying to make her an appt for counseling but can’t afford it for you?
> Have you done all the steps yet? Do that ASAP. And don’t give her your coins! Those are yours. You can give them to people you sponsor when they earn them.
> You focus on yourself. Let your wife handle her issues.
> As they say - stay in your own lane.


Thank you for replying! I was trying to make her an appointment because SHE says SHE wants to start again. Her insurance covers her. I love my wife and want to see her get help with the destruction I’ve caused. She asked for my help of getting something started. But I’ve since stopped. I put a ton of work into getting her even a appointment some place close(Covid can’t get in anywhere for months). To the point where all she had to do was call and confirm! She just kept saying I will.

No I’m working my steps. 4,5,6 are hard for me so want to focus on them. The rest will come quickly I know me!


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## 3kidsforlife

Conversation last night during our shared kitchen time diner. My wife is in such a depression I feel so terrible! She was complaining about her weight(gained easily 20 pounds in 2 months). She does nothing most days but sit on her phone. I tried to boost her up with some small compliments. But all I got was “I’m going to be a fat single Nun for the rest of my life”. She has this image of how she thinks she should look like when she was 20. But she was nothing like that even when I met her 5 years ago. Tried validating her and some other things. But all negative responses about herself. She is such an avoidant and won’t take care of herself.

I on the other hand I had fabulous day. I worked on me a ton. Went to a meeting and truly touched some people with talking. It felt so great!

I do have to say something. My kids have always wanted me to get back together with their mom(first marriage). She is recently single and moving back to my town. When I found my wife now my first wife begged me for another chance(grass wasn’t greener). We where together almost 15 years. She’s reached out a couple times to say hi(thought she hated me). I believe in God so much and all his signs I see. Does anybody think this could be a sign??? Is God trying to show me this path???

Thoughts please!!!


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> Conversation last night during our shared kitchen time diner. My wife is in such a depression I feel so terrible! She was complaining about her weight(gained easily 20 pounds in 2 months). She does nothing most days but sit on her phone. I tried to boost her up with some small compliments. But all I got was “I’m going to be a fat single Nun for the rest of my life”. She has this image of how she thinks she should look like when she was 20. But she was nothing like that even when I met her 5 years ago. Tried validating her and some other things. But all negative responses about herself. She is such an avoidant and won’t take care of herself.
> 
> I on the other hand I had fabulous day. I worked on me a ton. Went to a meeting and truly touched some people with talking. It felt so great!
> 
> I do have to say something. My kids have always wanted me to get back together with their mom(first marriage). She is recently single and moving back to my town. When I found my wife now my first wife begged me for another chance(grass wasn’t greener). We where together almost 15 years. She’s reached out a couple times to say hi(thought she hated me). I believe in God so much and all his signs I see. Does anybody think this could be a sign??? Is God trying to show me this path???
> 
> Thoughts please!!!


The thing about "God's signs" is that we can make them look like anything we want them to, depending on the stories we are telling ourselves in our minds. 

You are in NO position yet to make any good decisions about any relationships, and you are still married - you have NO business thinking about starting a new relationship while you are in an actual marriage, even if it's struggling right now.

You said your wife said she was going to be "single" for the rest of her life....why is she thinking about being single while married to you? Have you both discussed ending your marriage?

Your thoughts are all over the place in your posts, which is fine but you don't seem to be at peace yet -- you need to take a deep breath and focus for now on yourself and your needs as you continue with your sobriety. Work towards being honest and open with your wife, and like another poster wisely told you, worry about what is in YOUR lane. And let your wife worry about hers.


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## Beach123

If she needs that appt SHE will call and make it!
If you are trying to do everything for yourself AND her - it’s too much. Let her handle her stuff - you handle yours!

And focus on the relationship you are in. It’s not right you’re thinking about your first wife while married to your second wife.

Do that 4th step today. Get it done. Then do step 5 tomorrow. One at a time. But get them done and start helping others trying to stay sober.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Beach123 said:


> If she needs that appt SHE will call and make it!
> If you are trying to do everything for yourself AND her - it’s too much. Let her handle her stuff - you handle yours!
> 
> And focus on the relationship you are in. It’s not right you’re thinking about your first wife while married to your second wife.
> 
> Do that 4th step today. Get it done. Then do step 5 tomorrow. One at a time. But get them done and start helping others trying to stay sober.


Just bear in mind AA and Al Anon partners support groups aren't the only solution in town. Beware of the absolutes forced on you by AA.


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## 3kidsforlife

LisaDiane said:


> The thing about "God's signs" is that we can make them look like anything we want them to, depending on the stories we are telling ourselves in our minds.
> 
> You are in NO position yet to make any good decisions about any relationships, and you are still married - you have NO business thinking about starting a new relationship while you are in an actual marriage, even if it's struggling right now.
> 
> You said your wife said she was going to be "single" for the rest of her life....why is she thinking about being single while married to you? Have you both discussed ending your marriage?
> 
> Your thoughts are all over the place in your posts, which is fine but you don't seem to be at peace yet -- you need to take a deep breath and focus for now on yourself and your needs as you continue with your sobriety. Work towards being honest and open with your wife, and like another poster wisely told you, worry about what is in YOUR lane. And let your wife worry about hers.


Yes, I’m being very codependent on needing someone right now. I’m very lonely as far as companionship goes. I wish I could stop that but haven’t figured it out again. This is all very hard after losing family,friends and wife because of drinking.

My wife has asked for a split. But every time I bring up divorce she does not want to talk about it. Not like rehashing it or anything but the process of completing it with out lawyers. So I’m honestly confused on what she actually wants. She’s very avoidant on the subject. So I’m stuck in limbo. Watching my wife talk to another man, while I’m stuck at home with her trying to rebuild my life that I destroyed. I’m trying to build trust back into my family’s life. So I’m stuck in limbo! And I’m hurting from lack of love and companionship.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

3kidsforlife said:


> Yes, I’m being very codependent on needing someone right now. I’m very lonely as far as companionship goes. I wish I could stop that but haven’t figured it out again. This is all very hard after losing family,friends and wife because of drinking.
> 
> My wife has asked for a split. But every time I bring up divorce she does not want to talk about it. Not like rehashing it or anything but the process of completing it with out lawyers. So I’m honestly confused on what she actually wants. She’s very avoidant on the subject. So I’m stuck in limbo. Watching my wife talk to another man, while I’m stuck at home with her trying to rebuild my life that I destroyed. I’m trying to build trust back into my family’s life. So I’m stuck in limbo! And I’m hurting from lack of love and companionship.


You're not in limbo. You should be executing the D. You're deciding to stay in limbo. 

It would be a cold day in hell any woman I was with would be communicating with another guy. She'd be free to do so from her new life in her own place. I'd insist she start her new life swiftly. Most guys are the same.


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## 3kidsforlife

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just bear in mind AA and Al Anon partners support groups aren't the only solution in town. Beware of the absolutes forced on you by AA.


What do you mean? I’m not following.


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## 3kidsforlife

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're not in limbo. You should be executing the D. You're deciding to stay in limbo.
> 
> It would be a cold day in hell any woman I was with would be communicating with another guy. She'd be free to do so from her new life in her own place. I'd insist she start her new life swiftly. Most guys are the same.


I see where your coming coming from but not most people did not destroyed their wife’s life. We are stuck living together because of my actions. And who am I to say she can’t talk to someone. She has asked for a separation.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

3kidsforlife said:


> What do you mean? I’m not following.


There are various options other than AA to support spouses of alcoholics and to help alcoholics get past their addiction. 

My point is AA is not the only source of support nor is it the absolute authority on dealing with alcohol addiction.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

3kidsforlife said:


> I see where your coming coming from but not most people did not destroyed their wife’s life. We are stuck living together because of my actions. And who am I to say she can’t talk to someone. She has asked for a separation.


Is your W steadily communicating with another man? 
That's your answer.


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## 3kidsforlife

Beach123 said:


> If she needs that appt SHE will call and make it!
> If you are trying to do everything for yourself AND her - it’s too much. Let her handle her stuff - you handle yours!
> 
> And focus on the relationship you are in. It’s not right you’re thinking about your first wife while married to your second wife.
> 
> Do that 4th step today. Get it done. Then do step 5 tomorrow. One at a time. But get them done and start helping others trying to stay sober.


Thank you! I’m just lonely I feel. But honestly I don’t think I’ve ever stopped thinking about my first wife. She takes care of my kids half the time so I’ve always had to. Just not that way anymore. My kids are the most important thing in my life!!!

4th step at lunch today I promise!!


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## 3kidsforlife

Beach123 said:


> Believe me - if you get honest with yourself - you’ll realize you resent way more than just yourself!
> 
> Dig deep. Work with your sponsor and figure out what needs to go on your list. Get it done within the week! The best way is to get it done ASAP! Keep moving forward!!! Do not stop during your step work! Forward movement is key!


I honestly thought of 4 on the way in to work! I’m doing it at lunch by a recommendation from a friend. Get it done fast he said!


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## 3kidsforlife

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Is your W steadily communicating with another man?
> That's your answer.


Sorry I miss understand. He’s more of a anxiety friend for her agoraphobia from the past. That has turned into a rebound.


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> Yes, I’m being very codependent on needing someone right now. I’m very lonely as far as companionship goes. I wish I could stop that but haven’t figured it out again. This is all very hard after losing family,friends and wife because of drinking.
> 
> My wife has asked for a split. But every time I bring up divorce she does not want to talk about it. Not like rehashing it or anything but the process of completing it with out lawyers. So I’m honestly confused on what she actually wants. She’s very avoidant on the subject. So I’m stuck in limbo. Watching my wife talk to another man, while I’m stuck at home with her trying to rebuild my life that I destroyed. I’m trying to build trust back into my family’s life. So I’m stuck in limbo! And I’m hurting from lack of love and companionship.


I think this is part of learning to COPE with being sober -- don't start using the crutch of a relationship and attention and excitement to replace what you were using alcohol for. You need to learn to be WITH YOURSELF. And only then will you be able to give anything to another person.

Just sit and BE. Let things swirl around you, while you stay centered and calm and present with yourself.
And remember - it's ok to feel bad or scared or lonely, or anything. Don't try to run from those feelings or to hide from them with relationships (or alcohol)...just let the feelings come and go. And just because you FEEL something, it doesn't make it real -- just because you feel hopeless, doesn't mean there is no hope. Just because you feel lonely, doesn't mean you are alone. Just because you feel scared or sad, doesn't mean you will never feel safe or happy again.


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## 3kidsforlife

Her exact word:
“We need to go our separate ways. I need to work on me and you need to work on you. I need to learn how to be an adult and an individual. I’ve never really done that in my life.”

This sounds like a women that wants a separation. Maybe not a divorce but that could be her avoidant personality. So I want to save my marriage if I can.

Yes I know I need to work on myself first and foremost. But this is a constant in the back of my mind.


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## Beach123

Since she did say that, have you asked her when she plans to move out? 
If she doesn’t plan to move - idle threats aren’t useful to the relationship.
Find out what her intentions are. 
She either ends it and moves
Or she begins to take action on working on the relationship

There’s nothing wrong with getting clarification on what her intentions are.


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## 3kidsforlife

Beach123 said:


> Since she did say that, have you asked her when she plans to move out?
> If she doesn’t plan to move - idle threats aren’t useful to the relationship.
> Find out what her intentions are.
> She either ends it and moves
> Or she begins to take action on working on the relationship
> 
> There’s nothing wrong with getting clarification on what her intentions are.


The plan is for me to move out in March when a friends place opens up for rent. Then we would sell our property after a year. Because of my mistakes neither of us are able to buy a house at the moment. So her and her twins would stay in the house making the adjusted payments if she can afford it. She does not want to work on the relationship. That is all me. I thought maybe since I have this extra time with her in my presence she would see some of my changes that I’m truly working on.

On a side note life is funny. She literally just texted me about the therapy I tried signing her up for 😂. She’s calling to see if it’s still available.


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## 3kidsforlife

For those interested step 4 done!!! List is short but once I started writing it flowed pretty easily. Me and my sponsor will go over it tonight or tomorrow.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

3kidsforlife said:


> Her exact word:
> “We need to go our separate ways. I need to work on me and you need to work on you. I need to learn how to be an adult and an individual. I’ve never really done that in my life.”
> 
> This sounds like a women that wants a separation. Maybe not a divorce but that could be her avoidant personality. So I want to save my marriage if I can.
> 
> Yes I know I need to work on myself first and foremost. But this is a constant in the back of my mind.


Dude, save yourself, so you can also save others later, or simultaneously.


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## 3kidsforlife

I can not wait to get all this baggage off my shoulders in step 5! Ragnar why so negative just because I want to try to save my marriage that I messed up?


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## DownByTheRiver

3kidsforlife said:


> Conversation last night during our shared kitchen time diner. My wife is in such a depression I feel so terrible! She was complaining about her weight(gained easily 20 pounds in 2 months). She does nothing most days but sit on her phone. I tried to boost her up with some small compliments. But all I got was “I’m going to be a fat single Nun for the rest of my life”. She has this image of how she thinks she should look like when she was 20. But she was nothing like that even when I met her 5 years ago. Tried validating her and some other things. But all negative responses about herself. She is such an avoidant and won’t take care of herself.
> 
> I on the other hand I had fabulous day. I worked on me a ton. Went to a meeting and truly touched some people with talking. It felt so great!
> 
> I do have to say something. My kids have always wanted me to get back together with their mom(first marriage). She is recently single and moving back to my town. When I found my wife now my first wife begged me for another chance(grass wasn’t greener). We where together almost 15 years. She’s reached out a couple times to say hi(thought she hated me). I believe in God so much and all his signs I see. Does anybody think this could be a sign??? Is God trying to show me this path???
> 
> Thoughts please!!!


You're having confused thoughts and trying not to rely on your own thinking, but I personally don't believe God micromanages our lives like that. I think he gave us a brain so we could take care of that ourselves. 

You need to just focus on yourself right now and stop focusing on women possibilities. Very good chance and if your first wife knew you had descended into severe alcoholism, she wouldn't want anything to do with you. So you need to get some serious sober time in.


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## 3kidsforlife

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're having confused thoughts and trying not to rely on your own thinking, but I personally don't believe God micromanages our lives like that. I think he gave us a brain so we could take care of that ourselves.
> 
> You need to just focus on yourself right now and stop focusing on women possibilities. Very good chance and if your first wife knew you had descended into severe alcoholism, she wouldn't want anything to do with you. So you need to get some serious sober time in.


My kids have told my first wife about my sobriety and pending separation. If you actually knew her it would probably make her more interested in me. My drinking was one of her major dislikes of me. She would think now is the perfect time to jump in because I would be the perfect guy she always wanted. I’m not trying to come off egotistical at all. I just know her very very well. I unfortunately about a year ago I scared my kids with drinking excessively and they left for a month. I was doing great at not drinking after that for a while. Then came my testicular gangrene. Spent some time in and out of the hospital with oxy. I wouldn’t say I was addicted but it sure made me want alcohol when I stopped taking it. That’s when my real hard drinking started.


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> My kids have told my first wife about my sobriety and pending separation. If you actually knew her it would probably make her more interested in me. My drinking was one of her major dislikes of me. She would think now is the perfect time to jump in because I would be the perfect guy she always wanted. I’m not trying to come off egotistical at all. I just know her very very well. I unfortunately about a year ago I scared my kids with drinking excessively and they left for a month. I was doing great at not drinking after that for a while. Then came my testicular gangrene. Spent some time in and out of the hospital with oxy. I wouldn’t say I was addicted but it sure made me want alcohol when I stopped taking it. That’s when my real hard drinking started.


You have ALOT of trust to rebuild before you are ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

Learn to simply BE with yourself, like I said. That is the key. Once you do that, you will be in a great place to share your love and your life with someone else.


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## 3kidsforlife

LisaDiane said:


> You have ALOT of trust to rebuild before you are ready to be in a relationship with anyone.
> 
> Learn to simply BE with yourself, like I said. That is the key. Once you do that, you will be in a great place to share your love and your life with someone else.


Thank you! Yes I do know that. What I’m learning is it is very helpful to talk about my thoughts! I’m not a talker, I keep everything bottled up. Then my brain doesn’t focus on stuff that could be harmful to me. I have so much going on in my life. Its hard for it to focus on the positives. If you can understand what I mean.


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## DownByTheRiver

3kidsforlife said:


> My kids have told my first wife about my sobriety and pending separation. If you actually knew her it would probably make her more interested in me. My drinking was one of her major dislikes of me. She would think now is the perfect time to jump in because I would be the perfect guy she always wanted. I’m not trying to come off egotistical at all. I just know her very very well. I unfortunately about a year ago I scared my kids with drinking excessively and they left for a month. I was doing great at not drinking after that for a while. Then came my testicular gangrene. Spent some time in and out of the hospital with oxy. I wouldn’t say I was addicted but it sure made me want alcohol when I stopped taking it. That’s when my real hard drinking started.


To me it sounds like you need to stay out of that whole situation as much as you can.


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## 3kidsforlife

I’m sorry but I will never understand my situation!! If a women doesn’t want to be with you and wants to be with someone else. Why would they cook dinner for you? Why would they have a normal conversation about their life? Shocker she couldn’t get in to therapy for awhile. Oh well. I’m trying to make the conscious decision to just not care anymore. But be the person I would respect to her. But honestly try to move on. The idea and hope of this marriage lasting is not good for me. I’m obsessing about it!


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## 3kidsforlife

We had our furnace go out a couple days ago. And when you live in the Midwest you kinda need that. I’m a pretty handy man. There isn’t to much I can’t work on. But because parts are hard to come by for just about everything lately. I’ll have to wait a week to fix it correctly. So I can manually start it and keep the house warm. Going to be a long week! The wife usually leaves work around 5 or 6. Kids up at 6. So I’ve been staying up till late and starting it before I go to sleep and waking at 4 to start it. So every one stays warm in this below zero weather. I was very proud of the wife yesterday. She had to start it because I wouldn’t be home for awhile. She fought her fears and got it going!


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## In Absentia

3kidsforlife said:


> I’m sorry but I will never understand my situation!! If a women doesn’t want to be with you and wants to be with someone else. Why would they cook dinner for you?


Because she cares about you. That doesn't necessarily mean that she wants to be with you.


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> I’m sorry but I will never understand my situation!! If a women doesn’t want to be with you and wants to be with someone else. Why would they cook dinner for you? Why would they have a normal conversation about their life? Shocker she couldn’t get in to therapy for awhile. Oh well. I’m trying to make the conscious decision to just not care anymore. But be the person I would respect to her. But honestly try to move on. The idea and hope of this marriage lasting is not good for me. I’m obsessing about it!


I think it's best for you to consciously decide to detach from your feelings for her. They aren't going to be helpful for you right now, they are just a distraction from you discomfort with your life right now. 

Once you learn to COPE with your real life and feelings about everything (not just her), then you will be better at identifying what you really want and being able to be the partner that you want to be. 

It sounds like you are doing really well, your mind is in a great place right now, so KEEP IT UP!!!!


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## Beach123

3kidsforlife said:


> Thank you! Yes I do know that. What I’m learning is it is very helpful to talk about my thoughts! I’m not a talker, I keep everything bottled up. Then my brain doesn’t focus on stuff that could be harmful to me. I have so much going on in my life. Its hard for it to focus on the positives. If you can understand what I mean.


Learn to have a voice and speak your truth.


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## 3kidsforlife

Question, so I was doing really great today on detachment with the wife. Then bam she starts texting me. Asking if she can change the bedroom pictures and wall art(basically take down us). Start fresh. Which is totally fine I honestly can’t believe she’s slept in the room with pictures of us for 2 months already. Stressed that she need to do stuff for herself at times also. But then asks if the weather changes if I would still rescue her. Of course I would she has extreme anxiety and worries about it. So she needs that security of even having a blanket just in case. Then on to the boy’s birthday this weekend and how not everything is going to plans. Which I offer different options that she could do to make it better for her and the boys. Sympathetic and validate on everything about it. Then she wants to help me with a job I want.

All that but now I’m stuck thinking about it. So that’s why I’m writing it down so I can stop focusing on it!! Stupid brain!!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

3kidsforlife said:


> Question, so I was doing really great today on detachment with the wife. Then bam she starts texting me. Asking if she can change the bedroom pictures and wall art(basically take down us). Start fresh. Which is totally fine I honestly can’t believe she’s slept in the room with pictures of us for 2 months already. Stressed that she need to do stuff for herself at times also. But then asks if the weather changes if I would still rescue her. Of course I would she has extreme anxiety and worries about it. So she needs that security of even having a blanket just in case. Then on to the boy’s birthday this weekend and how not everything is going to plans. Which I offer different options that she could do to make it better for her and the boys. Sympathetic and validate on everything about it. Then she wants to help me with a job I want.
> 
> All that but now I’m stuck thinking about it. So that’s why I’m writing it down so I can stop focusing on it!! Stupid brain!!!


One doesn't have to answer texts. Stop answering them.


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## Beach123

Rescuing her isn’t the answer. IF she has a problem she should call 911 or a professional like most people do. 

SHE also needs to stop depending on you for everything.
Since she wants to end things = she can also learn to stand on her own.
She doesn’t get to have it both ways = that’s just allowing her to use you - but not love you.

This is a good time for her to learn to ha for her own stuff and figure things out herself.


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> Question, so I was doing really great today on detachment with the wife. Then bam she starts texting me. Asking if she can change the bedroom pictures and wall art(basically take down us). Start fresh. Which is totally fine I honestly can’t believe she’s slept in the room with pictures of us for 2 months already. Stressed that she need to do stuff for herself at times also. But then asks if the weather changes if I would still rescue her. Of course I would she has extreme anxiety and worries about it. So she needs that security of even having a blanket just in case. Then on to the boy’s birthday this weekend and how not everything is going to plans. Which I offer different options that she could do to make it better for her and the boys. Sympathetic and validate on everything about it. Then she wants to help me with a job I want.
> 
> All that but now I’m stuck thinking about it. So that’s why I’m writing it down so I can stop focusing on it!! Stupid brain!!!


PERFECT!!! Keep writing here if it helps you!

I think you are a comfort and a habit for her, which isn't wrong necessarily, but you need to recognize that she isn't acting out of a sense of love or devotion to you or your relationship. So keep detaching. And you can do it kindly...but make sure you stay on that path AWAY from her. 

You sound like you are doing just FINE, so keep it up!!


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## 3kidsforlife

LisaDiane said:


> PERFECT!!! Keep writing here if it helps you!
> 
> I think you are a comfort and a habit for her, which isn't wrong necessarily, but you need to recognize that she isn't acting out of a sense of love or devotion to you or your relationship. So keep detaching. And you can do it kindly...but make sure you stay on that path AWAY from her.
> 
> You sound like you are doing just FINE, so keep it up!!


Thank you so much! I kinda feel I get all the bad news or challenges that she has. I highly doubt she tells rebound guy any of that stuff. But that is assuming and that is not good either. Off to another meeting and a meeting with my sponsor!!


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## Beach123

You should not allow yourself to be her dumping ground.


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## 3kidsforlife

Beach123 said:


> You should not allow yourself to be her dumping ground.


I am not her dumping ground. I do get her positive and negative emotions and conversations. I was just stating that I don’t think rebound guy gets all the negatives in her life.


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## 3kidsforlife

When I got home last night the poor women literally threw out her back. She’s falling apart, last week she had Covid. Her boys and I tried to help her as much as we could. She’s been sick or hurt non stop for the last 2 months I’m not kidding. I remember reading someplace at the beginning that it’s because of the situation. But now that we are 2 months into this I don’t know anymore. Excessive weight gain, became a hermit, always sick or hurt, increased anxiety and depression. Who knows!! Just feel bad for her, I use to think it was because I caused something. But I don’t know anymore. I’m trying to detach more.

I had a good long group meeting last night. The more and more I go the stronger I feel. Just can’t self sabotage! There are just so many unknowns right now. Waiting to find out on house modifications. She is supposed to meet with a financial advisor to see if she can even afford anything on her own. I also don’t want to rush this separation. The home we have built together is perfect. So don’t really want yo loose it. I want her and her boys to have a home for a while. And not be affected by my actions in life.

My alcoholic mind thinks this would be a whole lot easier if we where more selfish and forced a sale on the house. Forced everyone to live in apartments. But my mind just wants what’s easy not always the correct thing to do. For me it’s just hard to just BE!!! Wish I could work on that!

Thoughts??


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## 3kidsforlife

I don’t think I’ve ever detached so much in one day. I know it’s probably just feelings but it feels so real today. I just want to be done and move on. I honestly wonder why I feel this way. It feels like something just like clicked or changed in me. I still care about her and want her to be happy. But I I don’t know I just don’t want to be near her. Not that it upsets me but I want my own life. I don’t know how to describe this feeling.


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## 3kidsforlife

Kinda proud today. Officially 60 days sober today! Had a rough morning but talked to my daughter and that made it a thousand times better. I constantly worry about my future and the unknowns. Just getting someone to tell me it’s going to be ok. Gives me so much assurance!!


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## 3kidsforlife

Had a great meeting last night! Talked about how I originally started AA to save my marriage. What is amazing is that I’ve done great for working on myself. I learned that the second month is one of the hardest! It’s where we start to FEEL again. I always pushed everything down with alcohol. I don’t have that crutch anymore. So that’s why I’m feeling every thing again. This might sound stupid but I slept with a stuffed animal last night. I was actually able to sleep!!! If it helps I’m using it I don’t really care anymore. I’m detaching as much as I can from the wife. I’ve stopped all communication unless she initiates it. Or it pertains to kids or house/bills. It has done wonders for me!! To keep my mind busy and calm. I’m meditating and playing games on my phone. Which I’ve never done!! Thought about working out again at home to increase the endorphins. So I’m working on me!!!

Side note, my oldest son plays baseball in Florida in March. I wasn’t planning on attending because of funds. I received an offer from my first wife to join her and the kids and go. Just keeping that on the back burner but it does increase my mood. To know that life isn’t all bad!!


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## NicoleT

LisaDiane said:


> Speaking from the perspective of your wife, she may never recover her feelings for you, even if she never talks to this other guy again. The person who drinks (you) has NO idea of how their actions and lack of control, and broken promises, and lies, and chaos, and unpredictability damage their relationships. And right now, she has NO trust in you or your "sobriety"....it's meaningless to her. All she sees when she looks at you right now is the drunk who has been tormenting her for a long long time.
> 
> Considering that and the fact that you are only 2 months into sobriety, you have NO business even considering being a partner to her...or anyone. Taking those first sober steps and then REMAINING sober is going to take ALL your emotional energy - you need to learn to cope without alcohol, and that can be difficult and hard work. And trying to do that while navigating a relationship that is barely functional could jeopardize your ability to stay sober.
> 
> My advice to you is to concentrate on STAYING SOBER. Once you have 6 months comfortably under your belt, MAYBE you can talk to her about where she is with her feelings for you and your relationship. But trust me, trying to maintain your sobriety while salvaging a dysfunctional relationship will be too much pressure on you, and you will most likely lose BOTH.
> 
> I would also recommend individual counseling for you, to help you figure out how you got to a place where alcohol became the best choice for you in your life.
> 
> GOOD LUCK!!


This great advice, thanks.


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## Beach123

Start sponsoring other people. Give back. Focus on staying sober and helping others.

You really don’t need to know how any of your personal relationships may turn out. Time will tell. In the meantime - focus on being a kind and decent person and helping others.


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## 3kidsforlife

Something has definitely changed with my wife and it’s a good start I think. She was very emotional last week and I’m pretty sure something happened (i.e online friend). Then came this week her vehicle to a crap on her. She broke down crying and said she was very stressed and now this happened. She’s still trying to figure out finances and stuff so she doesn’t have much money. She did one of those half hearted reach outs with her hand and I took it. Sympathetic and everything for her. I’m mechanical by trade so I’m going to fix her vehicle as long as she buys the parts. But she is with out a car now so she needs rides to work. I offered to drop her off at nearby coworkers house or drive her to work for the time being(she works close to my work). She choose me. Now comes this week. My kids and I have both heard her call me by old nick name. She is talking about house plans where we are both still LIVING together in the future. I’ve been getting compliments and actually full on conversations. Like normal!! I like where this is going but I’m proceeding slow and with caution!!

Side note thank you everyone for pushing me on my 12 steps. I participate more now in group and feel unbelievable. Still have some rough hours or minutes where my depression kicks in but I talk to my God when it happens and it calms down!

Thoughts???


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## LisaDiane

3kidsforlife said:


> Something has definitely changed with my wife and it’s a good start I think. She was very emotional last week and I’m pretty sure something happened (i.e online friend). Then came this week her vehicle to a crap on her. She broke down crying and said she was very stressed and now this happened. She’s still trying to figure out finances and stuff so she doesn’t have much money. She did one of those half hearted reach outs with her hand and I took it. Sympathetic and everything for her. I’m mechanical by trade so I’m going to fix her vehicle as long as she buys the parts. But she is with out a car now so she needs rides to work. I offered to drop her off at nearby coworkers house or drive her to work for the time being(she works close to my work). She choose me. Now comes this week. My kids and I have both heard her call me by old nick name. She is talking about house plans where we are both still LIVING together in the future. I’ve been getting compliments and actually full on conversations. Like normal!! I like where this is going but I’m proceeding slow and with caution!!
> 
> Side note thank you everyone for pushing me on my 12 steps. I participate more now in group and feel unbelievable. Still have some rough hours or minutes where my depression kicks in but I talk to my God when it happens and it calms down!
> 
> Thoughts???


If she is having any trouble with her phone relationship, she is absolutely going to turn to you for comfort and security...but don't put any confidence that this shows she is in love with you (right now)...she is using you as Plan B, and that's not an authentic start to rekindling your marriage and commitment.

Neither of you are in a healthy emotional place right now, so you are in NO condition to be able to navigate a relationship with so many dysfunctions in it. I think you are doing great with agreeing to HELP her, but don't assign any emotional meaning to any of that, and keep detaching from her. Definitely take everything slowly and cautiously.

GOOD FOR YOU with your continued success with your sobriety!!! Every day is a victory, don't think it's not!!


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## Beach123

You take care of yourself first. She shows she isn’t capable of figuring things out FOR herself yet. 
But continue stepping away more and more so that she becomes more independent (NOT relying on YOU to fix all HER problems!)
As habit - you tend to step in. Stop that.
Just tell her “I know you’ll figure this out” then let HER figure it out!

You won’t stay sober if you are trying to handle your issues AND hers! Start letting HER deal with her own problems (and finding solutions for her problems!)


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## Bulfrog1987

It always made me uncomfortable when my husband would bring the few coins he 'earned' weaseled his way to get is more like it and shove them at me like SEE!? SEE?! Not that that is what you are doing BUT. Just watch out for that. It's awkward.

I don't know if I can ever recover my own feelings I once had for my husband and we will be married 15 years. Though, he's not recovering, he's very much still drinking but because it isn't whiskey or bourbon he's fine. He's has emotionally tortured, deprived me for far too long. I don't know what is to come of us.

Kudos that you are two months in and still going. Definitely work the steps, don't take it to heart when you finally do truly apologize if it isn't accepted right off the bat. My husband has given me so many backhanded apologies, I don't even hear it them anymore. Utterly meaningless.

Good luck and focus on YOU.


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## aine

3kidsforlife said:


> Im working on 4 right now with my sponsor. It’s honestly tuff for me. I’m not a resentful man. My biggest resent is myself!! I just have to do it and get it over and admit my wrongs.


This is the step my H got stuck on and never got past it. Forgiveness is a big big deal. You must face it.


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## Beach123

Have you finished the first round of 12 steps? Are you sponsoring others now? That’s when things get really good…


----------

