# Advice needed...drinking problem?



## nycbee

My wife and I have been married for 10 years now and along the way there have been lots of ups and downs. Most of the downs my doing. We are in our mid 30s and I know full well that I still have a lot of problems from childhood that subconsciously I carry around with me. I am originally from the UK and growing up there I used to think nothing of going out with my mates and drinking four or five times a week. Drinking to get drunk and in many ways it was the only way that I could find comfort. Over the years, as a kid, the family home was for the most part a happy one. As time passed however, my brother and sister left home, my parents divorced so going home after the pub became quite a depressing part of the night. It used to feel like something in the house had died, the spirit or the love that was there before had been replaced by a sort of sadness that is difficult to describe on here.

Fast forward 10 years and here I am. Still drinking, albeit not on the same level. Sometimes I go a few weeks without going out drinking with my friends. The problem is, when I do go out, I can't keep to a couple of beers and the afternoon quickly turns into the evening and I find myself reverting back to the old days, with the same feelings of intense depression. I miss my family in the UK and so many emotions come to the fore when I start drinking. I know it is unfair on my wife who is tired of me putting drink first. She is alright with me going out for a beer, but on a day like yesterday when we found out whether we were going to have a boy or a girl, I caught up with a couple of friends and didn't roll up home until close to midnight completely hammered.

Why do I constantly take things that are so precious and wonderful to me and constantly do things to damage them? We have our life here with a wonderful little boy and a girl on the way, yet my mind can switch so quickly, one minute celebrating and enjoying a couple of beers and the next descending into a pretty sad emotional state. Like I said, I'm not drinking day in day out, but when I do, I can't seem to stop. Then I'll go a few weeks without another drink.

Well, I am rambling a bit, but I wanted to put this out there to see what other people think. I have spoken to somebody before about family, but that was a few years back and I wonder if it really helped all that much if I am still clutching onto emotions from so long ago. I don't want to sabotage and lose everything that I have.

Thanks.


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## Posse

If you can't control your drinking and it is affecting your life negatively, you need to stop drinking. 

Just Stop. The trick is you have to want to do it for you.

If you are able to go without alcohol for weeks at a time, you are most likely not alcohol dependent. You sound like a binge drinker. 

Tell your friends you are stopping. They can help keep you accountable.

It might be hard at first, but it really is that simple.


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## rainbow12

There is a lot going on here, but certainly you sound like a binge drinker. Your health depends on your entering the party scene with a plan in hand to stop at 2 drinks, or drink mostly soft drinks all night with your friends before you start and have your 2 drinks.

I was a daily drinker (for the most part) who could almost never stop at 2 drinks and it always felt like I was being deprived. I tried moderation for years with short-term success.

Quit this year, and it's the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. It's not easy, and in fact I'm facing a lot of conflict in my drinking relationships. But my relationships that are based more on other ways of being are starting to flourish.

If you want a free online forum of people that helped me kick the habit, send me a personal message.


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## nycbee

Thanks rainbow12. I will PM you. I need to do something because my wife now wants a separation. I think she has had enough of a lot of different things.


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## rainbow12

I sent you a response, but I can't tell if it went through.


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## MrG

I can really relate to your story. I started drinking in high school - I had a blast and it was something I was really good at. I did not drink every day . . . just a weekend warrior. In college I did the same . . . I maintained good grades but drank heavily on the weekends. I was proud of my reputation for being able to hold my liquor.

At some point I stopped boasting of my drinking and began trying to de-emphasise it. I had a few scrapes with the police but nothing serious. By my early thirties I was married and had 2 young children - an infant and a 3-year old. I was drinking pretty heavy and it was not just the weekends anymore but there were nights I did not drink. I caused my wife plenty of grief and she was fearful I would have an automobile accident and kill myself or someone else. Our marriage was getting strained.

I eventually went to jail for drunk driving. From there it was strongly suggested I go to Alcoholics Anonymous. There I learned that it was not how often I drank or what quantity I drank that made me an alcoholic. The real indicator for me was that once I started drinking I could not predict how the night would end or how much I would drink. 

I was fascinated by the stories people shared . . . I was surprised to learn what I went through others had too. I found hope in the smiles an laughter of the meetings. Although I could not even comprehend a life where I never drank again - but something kept me going back.

That was 17 years ago and I have not had a drink since the night I went to jail. I can honestly say that my life is FAR better than it was when I was drinking. I have great friends, my family loves me (even my wife!). I re-found some interests I had lost along the way . . . I started playing guitar again and riding motorcycles again. I had always wanted to learn to fly an airplane and I have gotten to do that.

I found this forum looking for answers for something else. My wife of 27 years was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I am so grateful to be able to be there for her. The last 5 years of our marriage have been the best so far.

I did not intend to write a book!!! I do want you to know that there is hope. AA has been great for me. I would never have gone if I had not reached a point of desperation. 

Some people can stop drinking by sheer will power or if there is a good enough reason to quit. For me I was never able to do that . . . no matter how good the reason. I needed help. Lots of help.

I don't know if this will help you but it was therapeutic for me to write it. I applaud you for asking the question . . . I hope you find the answer you are looking for.


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## Shocker

I drink rarely but binge. The guilt is terrible as my wife doesn't drink at all and we usually end up fighting. I feel like Darth Vader all the time. 

I would say this...justifing something that hurts your family and especially the one you are suppose to protect is just wrong.

I am fighting this too and it is unbelievably difficult sometimes. Bordom hurts. Thats sound terrible but its true. I'm going to get on meds to help me...you might try it if drinkings an issue.

Its an issue if it hurts you or others around you AT ALL. My belief.


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## Ednamay

Your story seems similar to mine...I only dwell on the sad past of childhood when I'm drinking. When I went to counseling to confront my past, she basically told me I needed to fix the drinking before anything else. I only drink sporadically but cannot control it...it's a problem...there are many types of alcoholics, and I am a binge drinking type. I've decided to cut it out; I wish I could have just a couple, but it doesn't work that way...if something is toxic in your life, you should do the same. Good luck


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