# Separated and Confused - Will he come back??



## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Reading other's situations helped me take a deep breath for a minute and make the choice to reach out for your help and advice. I will try to make my situation brief and understandable.

I have been married for almost 5 yrs, together almost 9. I have two sons that are not his, ages 10 & 15. He's been a good dad to them overall. But, we wanted to have one of our own too, and we have been trying for two yrs. Part of the issue (problem is his, I checked out okay, he didn't)

Most of the marriage was good. We laugh and like the same things, have the same goals (I thought). We are intimate regularly. There have been trust issues along the way, he lies a lot. About money, bills, etc. I am 99% positive that he has been faithful.

This last year was bad. We were hit by a drunk driver, had financial issues, and then the BIG problem. He started abusing substances. I knew there was occasional use before, and I enabled him I guess. But, it got out of hand and then there was money issues, lying, and then weekend long hangovers when it was our only time to spend together. I even tried at first to stay up and drink with him and play games on Sat nights just to spend time with him but one day I realized that he had a problem when the paranoia began.

So, we work opposite shifts during the week so this weekend drug use caused a majority of the problems. He wouldn't help around the house, help with the boys, etc. It wasn't like that before and I just flat out had it and started getting naggy & *****y. I didn't like myself, but I felt he chose his drug habit over me and us and our life. I would yell at him to wake up and stop abusing,etc. Fights on the weekend wouldn't get resolved and then, a whole wk goes by and its the same old.

So, we got into on Feb 16th. I was so angry that I actually pushed him. That is not my nature, but I know I scared the sh*t out of him. We had never fought like that before. He packed and left.

So, immed I got a letter from an atty (10 days) listing out what he wanted, etc. That he had been hired to represent my husband in a divorce. I was FLOORED. I thought we needed a cooling off period and that he needed to stop doing drugs and get his act together. 

So, no contact for a month. Gave him his clothes, etc. Now, things have changed.

He e-mails me, wants to see the boys, and wants to help around the house. He stays at the house longer and longer each time and chit chats with me. He says he isn't using anymore. I told him I was in therapy and he seems intrigued. He asked me to go for coffee this week. He says he hasn't spoken to the lawyer since the first time.

But, he still keeps saying "I don't know", "I'm confused", etc. I have sent him a few e-mails saying that I do love him and I am willing to reconcile. His responses are vague and are mostly "I don't knows"...

So, I am SSSOOooooo scared to meet him for coffee. I told him that although we don't have to get into everything, that I deserve to know whether this is a "trial separation" or if he is done with us. I deserve to know that, right? I told him that if there is no chance, that it is only fair to tell me and not prolong this agony.

He called today to wish me a Happy Easter. It was an awkward call because I was just devastated to be abandoned for the holiday. I tried to be strong and just ask how he has been.

Is two months too soon to ask him to tell me what path he is considering? Is him coming by the house, helping me, and taking the boys out good signs, or signs of guilt?

I also have thought about seeing if we could be intimate. It was always a strong point in our marriage and I am so lonely. I don't want to seek intimacy anywhere else nor do I want him to. It's actually hard to believe he has gone this long without sex. But, I know he isn't looking, and def can't bring a girl back to his parent's house.

Honestly, my biggest fear is that he is going to ask me for a divorce when we meet. He hasn't given me a reason to think that, and keeps showing me good signs, but I am so emotionally fragile right now that I don't think I could handle it. I try to be strong in front of my sons, and when I see my husband, but I secretly cry all night in my empty bedroom...


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

Yes, I think you deserve to know what he is thinking, but be prepared for him to not want to talk about it. I had a thread "2 weeks too soon to ask questions?", and the consenses was that it was too soon. He probably hasn't made a decision yet.

I tried to talk to my husband about our relationship at the 2 month point, and he didn't have any real answers. He did eventually say that he didn't want to work on things right now, maybe in the future. His hostility was very shocking to me, especially since we had had some nice friendly interaction up until that point (including sex).

Him asking you to coffee is probably a good sign. Take his lead in terms of conversation, if he doesn't want to talk about the relationship, that is okay. You don't want to push things at this point.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Thanks for your thoughts. I sent him an e-mail last night and I will cut and paste in below. Now I feel like I may have made a mistake now. But here it is: (I pasted an article about trial separations with it):
I am sending this info to you because I can't decide whether this is a temporary separation or if you are just gone for good. Maybe reading some of this and the other e-mail will help you think about what this really is and what we are really doing. Please don't leave me to think that there is any chance if there isn't at all. That's unfair to all of us and will just prolong this agony. It doesn't mean that we have to have a serious sit down and talk over everything, but there are a few things we need to discuss:

1) If this is a trial separation, lets set some tentative time frames.
2) If this is temporary in your mind, you need to let me know that you are willing to work on this marriage with me. You need to say that or tell me it's over in your mind definitely.
3) Have you ever thought about counseling? Not with me necessarily, but on your own?
4) If this is temporary, then we must try to talk more and see each other more. That will make things easier I think. 
5) We need to have some "rules" - no dating others, etc. I think that's only fair. Plus, I agree that I need to stop calling & texting when I am having a hard time.
6) If you still love me, say so. If you don't, then say that. 
7) Know that you are welcome here anytime. If you knock on the door at 3am, I will let you in. 
8) This can't be about our pride. This can't be about anyone else's thoughts on what we should do. This can't be about what others will think if we decide to give this a try. 
9) We can't try to solve all of our problems, but we need to admit them and identify what is really driving us apart. It's not a blame game. But we have both contributed to this. 
10) If you miss me, say it. If you are happy without me, say that too.
11) I think this break was inevitable and things just spiraled out of control. But is this a break, or a break-up?

These are just some thoughts....I am pasting an article I was reading below...


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

I WILL NOT CALL HIM TODAY! I WILL NOT TEXT HIM TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGGGHHHHhh...this is SOOooo hard.


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

We have ALL been there!

Be strong, don't contact him - good job posting here instead!


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Rent the movie Fireproof. You can then decide if you want to try what they suggest.

I am not saying it will fix your marriage but may give you some ideas.

Maybe ask him to watch it as well.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Thanks 13years...I have watched that movie. It was great and it may me cry so hard knowing that it wouldn't mean a thing to him. He wasn't raised in any spiritual way, like I was...

I made it through today without contacting him for anything. See, we didn't communicate for almost 5 weeks after everything happened, but then he started texting once in awhile and then calling and then stopping by. Then, out of the blue, he gave me his new cell phone number a week and a half ago (good sign??). Unfortunately, with a couple glasses of wine last weekend I sent him I love you texts, etc....

I am trying to be better now...(crap, it's only Monday)....


At least I have lost 25 pounds in this depressed and grieving time....


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

So, just an update....no one but this web page to tell...

He asked me to go to coffee, and then never called this week...I feel like he is just trying to be cruel now and show that he has the upper hand. I shouldn't contact him with a "nudge", right...

I assume I should wait until he contacts me, though that might be never....Alll I do is cry. WHo is this person I have become???


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I am in the same shoes you wear tryingtobe! My husband won't even answer my calls and they were major legitimate, need to talk with you stuff, like hello....I have cancer and I need to discuss insurance issues under the circumstances we are in and our tax refund checks. You'll have to read my thread to get the whole picture if you want. 

I agree that I do think they enjoy toying with our feelings sometimes. My husband did it to me last time, staying gone 5 months and leading me on at the same time. They try to keep you hanging on just in case something/someone (in my case) doesn't pan out. But you got the answer right.....don't give him a nudge and DO wait until he contacts you and then it might not hurt to tell him you are sorry, that you have plans when he wants again. I totally understand the crying.....that is all I have done for 2 weeks. I cannot believe a man I spent 16 years with would treat me this way either. It's hard but try to not contact him. It is what I have done today. I refuse to continue looking more pathetic in his eyes.


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

> He asked me to go to coffee, and then never called this week...I feel like he is just trying to be cruel now and show that he has the upper hand. I shouldn't contact him with a "nudge", right...


That really stinks. I'm sorry that he didn't contact you this week, after asking you out. Did he ever respond to the email you sent? Maybe it freaked him out, and he thought that you'd only talk about relationship stuff if you went to coffee.

But great job not contacting him so far. I think it is the right thing to do even if it is hard. Be patient. Wait and see if he contacts you this weekend. Then try to make it through next week. He will contact you again, eventually.

After I tried to have that relationship talk with my husband (asking a lot of the same questions as you), he was angry, and I decided to leave him alone for a while. A few days later, he called me. A few days after that he invited me out to lunch (I declined). So, I do have a feeling your husband will contact you again.

Of course, when I did agree to talk to him, things went bad again, so I really wish I had held off communicating longer.

I'm still in the same place you are. I sent my husband a text message last night about a phone message he received at the house. I thought it was important that he got the message right away, so I texted him. I really wish I could have just ignored it and not contacted him, but I felt that was wrong. I am a little sad that I didn't get a thanks or anything, but I know that it isn't necessarily malicious on his part.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Thanks for your response Al-in-al...

I have been strong for the last couple of days and not contacted him...though it is KILLING me! I have a going away party for a good friend of mine tonight, so I am looking forward to that (and I am going to do my best to look AWESOME tonight to make me feel better)...so I know I will get through today (well, I guess until I start drinking at this party tonight :-()

I was able to sucessfully refinance my house yesterday, so I am feeling a little less financially devastated (which we all might mention a bit, but is truly a definite terrible reality of any separation right? We are grieving with our hearts and then have to add possible financial ruin to the cruel mix of life too)...


When I stupidly sent him texts on Easter weekend, he got angry, and so I said "Fine, I will stop texting or calling you". However, he responded with "No, just find a HAPPY MEDIUM." So, now I am confused...He may now see my NO CONTACT as retaliatory, so should I at least say "Hi, how are you" in a text or call? Or, should I continue at this no contact at all thing???? HELP????


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Oh, and lastly..no, he didn't respond to my e-mail that I posted above...so, maybe I did scare him away...

DAMN - I always need to try to manage things. This is something that I have so little control over and that goes against my core being...

He always wants me to be in control, until now. Always handed me all the major responsibility. Even after he first left, his first questions were "What do you want to do", "What do you expect", and "How should we handle this"??

Like he wants me to plan out our separation and divorce. Sheesh!


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

I don't think you should initiate communication with him yet - it has been less than a week since you sent the email. Give it a little more time.

I'm dying to get together with my husband right now. So I'm trying to take my own advice, and make it through the weekend without talking to him.

Have fun at your party tonight. I'm going to a show tonight, and I plan to look good, too!


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

An update...still no cup of coffee. He asked in an e-mail to get his tires out of the garage. I got angry. He called and I'm like, okay, so you won't communicate with me about anything, except for when YOU need something out of the house??? GO SCREW!!

So, as far as the party I went to last weekend....I met a really nice guy (I knew of him before)...He asked me to dinner tonight and I am GOING! I am nervous, and want to make sure this guy knows this is "fun, friend" dating....which, he does know the situation, so how can he expect more....??

My only problem is that I am very lonely for companionship...I had briefly mentioned to my husband about the possibility of continuing a sexual relationship...so that neither of us go elsewhere...He didn't "answer", however, he was more like "HAVE YOU BEEN WITH ANYONE!!???" "I HAVEN'"!!! I think the thought freaks him out...but you know what? Going on three months and hardly any contact??? I am a healthy 34 yr old woman....I have needs to...

So, I am thinking when this guy goes in for a goodnight kiss tonight....I am just going to let it happen!!!

I need a distraction right now, and this guy is SO nice, so funny...but, then again, I don't want to hurt anyone either..

WISH ME LUCK!


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

If you start dating while still hoping for a relationship with your husband, someone (or everyone) is going to get hurt. There was a thread on dating while separated - have you read it? There were some good insights there. 

Going out with this man as a friend is okay, but you did call it a date and you are hoping for a kiss! Unless you and your husband have agreed that this is okay, you are setting yourself up for lots of drama. 

I do understand needs. I have continued a sexual relationship with my husband (took a break but started it up this weekend at my request). We also have agreed that dating other people = divorce.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Al-in-al,

You know....when I was out to dinner last night, I thought about what you had wrote. You are right...I was out for some fun, and I realized that the way this nice man was looking at me, that he really likes me and although I do think he's great, nothing good will probably come from this...except a selfish cure for my loneliness...

But, my H won't talk to me AT ALL, and there is NO indication as to whether this is a temporary situation, or if he is thinking divorce. Because he won't talk to me about it or give me a sign of his intentions...I feel like there aren't any rules...You saw what I emailed him and he didn't respond at all...

So, what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to act? I guess I am tired of waiting to see what he wants to do...

I have another counseling session this week and will be sure to also discuss this with her...

But, if my husband is still doing drugs...nothing will ever change anyways. I love him still and want him back, but I could never take back the drug abuser he developed into in the last two years...

I just want SOMETHING to make me happy...I have been working on that for 10 weeks...just on myself and with my boys...and I guess now I feel ready for some kind of intimacy...though I would rather it be my husband...(another question he hasn't answered). 

Gorgeous weather expected here in Upstate NY - hope the rest of you have a great weekend...


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

That nice man (or one like him) will still be around when things with your husband settle down. I'm glad that you considered his feelings. But heck - isn't it nice to know that there are men attracted to you?

The last time I talked with my counselor she asked if I felt like my life was on hold and it turned out I didn't really think so. I'm doing the same things I would have if he was still with me (and probably more). But I have no interest in dating. Definitely discuss this at your apointment, she might have some thoughts. 

I do think you should try to talk to your husband about resuming intimacy. But I don't have a good suggestion how to do it. I just have to email my husband "Sex?" and he'll most likely be at the house in 5 minutes  

I know you are still upset about not having your questions answered right now, but think about it for a while. Does it really matter if you have the answers today, or a month from now? Do you really want to force the answers? I know I don't. I also realize that your situation with the drugs does make things harder - I hope your counselor has more insight on this aspect.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I understand where you are coming from about the drugs. My husband has abused alcohol for years and drugs in the past. I am pretty certain that he has started back on the drugs now as some of the numbers on the cell bill are familiar from last time. Now with the OW in the picture (and she probably is into the same stuff) and the death of his father unexpectedly, I don't hold out for much hope that my H will return. It does make me angry that he won't at least call and state this and let's get on with the paperwork. I refuse to go thru any more HELL with this man despite the fact that I love him. He has hurt me so much and I can't wait for him to grow up emotionally. Each of our sitch's are different but that is my thoughts on mine for now. Only you know what you are willing to put up with and not. I wish for you the outcome you want though.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Feeling a little stronger....
Still completely in the dark. I asked him if we could meet and start talking about details, as with his complete lack of communication and empathy, it must be time to finally get a formal separation agreement in place.

HE FREAKED. Got angry, asked if I was seeing someone. I went to dinner with a friend one night, but I am certainly NOT seeing someone. He started saying I had better start talking to an attorney, etc...and that he wasn't going to give me ANY money for bills (incl all his in my name). 

Isn't ironic that when I finally try to nudge him a bit, he turns into a jerk? I said, WOAH...let's not talk for two weeks, calm down...and then try to talk again. So, I am just pissed because here he is, leaving me in the dark with no indications either way, but the minute I think we need to start talking, he panics...

H can't have his cake and eat it too. Can't just leave me here to fester....If he would at least let me know what he is thinking, then we can have proper converstaions...but I am FED UP with this "I don't know" crap....its been going on too long. And now, he is not showing up at my son's baseball games like he promised, etc...so, I just want to know, if he wants to end it, then why wouldn't he at least want to start the process?

In NYS, as he does NOT have grounds for divorce, you have to be legally separated for a year...I am sad and tired....I just want to start the process and if things change, great, but if not, at least we could file for divorce a year from now.

I also asked him to look into mediation to save money - instead of leaving it all to the lawyers...

Was I wrong to call him out on this? I haven't heard from him in two weeks except some bs here and there (like I need my tires)...

This is SOOoooo frustrating. My therapist said he is jusst pissed that I am starting to try to regain some control and planning in the situation, that I am not letting him control me by leaving me in the dark. She said that the fact that he even suggested I had another man means he thinks that there has to be some seedy reason to hold him ACCOUNTABLE for abandoning us....

K, now I am rambling...but I am now moving into the angry phase...still hurts, but its better than the pining and sad phase..

Hope y'all are doing better than me....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I've had no contact from mine and no way to contact him. He changed his cell number. I am in fact though in the anger stage and not willing to put up with his adultery or anything from him. He has done so many nasty things to me that I am over it....period. Live your life as though he's not going to be in it. If you don't you will be in limbo forever and that is not a place anyone should be for long. You can't force anything so just take care of yourself.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Toomanytears...

I have followed your sad saga as we grieve together in different, yet still heart breakingly the same situations...I don't post a lot on others yet, as I feel like my words will come out as confused as my thoughts...weird, I know.

My husband GAVE me his new cell number (why???). Here is my new number. Contact me. Then, don't contact me...So, really, the fact that you have no way to contact him is really not the issue. Because, even if he gave you his new number, he would probably cause more heartbreak for you with it. My H giving me his number gave me false hope for awhile....it actually hurts more to tell you the truth..

I am glad you have taken some grief and anger and started to remove yourself from the "limbo land" that many of us find ourselves in right now. I am out a little, but still have one foot in it. I suppose I will until some kind of decision is made. 

I appreciate your words and I wish you well. Its weird how every day can be different. One day I wake up and I think I can do this, and I will be happy again...and then the kids go to bed and I find myself alone on the couch and start getting sad. The next day, I wake up, roll over, realize he is gone, and my day starts sad. But then, I realize I must continue my day and that by being sad, I am giving him control when he isn't even here...

I can finally say that I don't think I want him back now. How dare he treat me this way. Similar to what you said - he has done so many nasty things since he left that it has gotten to the unforgivable point. That said, however, I still have to have my head tell that to my heart every day. I assume that will continue for awhile...

Be strong everyone...


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

TTBS.....I am still going thru the sad days and good days. Even though our husband's have treated us like crap, it's like you said, have to have brain tell heart. It's been a crazy rollercoaster ride indeed. You ask yourself why in the world you care about someone that would do this to you? Luckily my husband has kept on draining money from the account, drug his affair to his father's wake which in my opinion was stupid because it only gave me a lot of witnesses to his adultery! 

I have the sad days when I think of being married for 16 years, an anniversary only days away on the 16th and the fact that he would treat me this way when he knows how dependant I am on him due to my disability. Then I get mad and start trying to pick myself up, dust off and carry on. I do have tons of worry though....I think what am I going to do when my refrigerator or washing machine bites the dust and I need to replace it? What about when I need to replace the roof on my house? Stuff like that is worrying me to death. No way will I be able to afford those things. I seriously worry about when I can no longer afford my meds due to being dumped off his insurance due to divorce? Cancer drugs aren't cheap either and those are the newest added. We have no kids so it's easy for him to walk away.

I guess all that stuff is driving my anger and forcing me to make the plans of assuming the worst outcome and to be ready. I've got no choice. Of course with no contact, I am still in limbo land. I can only assume since he is taking money out of the account he doesn't have his next job secured yet.

We are in similar sitch's though and I've found it to be a relief to come here and post. Try each day to move forward. I tell myself this is what I must do every morning of my life. It's not easy......


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Just an update....

He hasn't contacted me in two weeks now. Even my brother-in-law wished me a Happy Mother's Day...but not my H. He promised financial assistance, yet nothing still. I finally went though the family photo albums and pulled out the pics with him. The ones with him only, or him and a family member...I threw in a bag for him. I boxed up all the ones of us as a couple...

At first, I woke up yesterday, missing the smell of bacon that my H would could for a big Mother's Day breakfast. I was sad at first...but then I came downstairs to beautiful cards from my ten year old and fifteen yr old. My 15 yr old wrote "Mom, though this has been a difficult year, I have no doubts that it has made our family of three stronger. I know we can get through anything together now, and you give me strength..."

After a brief weep, I pulled out the griddle and starting cooking the bacon myself...and had a wonderful breakfast with my two boys...

Meanwhile, I have come to accept that it must truly be over...and I was able to write that last statement without crying...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sorry things are messed up for you! I understand the longing.

Substance abusers are usually thinking of other things (themselves) and often are erratic. Don't expect much consistency.

Also, focus on yourself and the kids. No more overanalyzing things and try a "what will be will be." Do whatever you think will keep you busy (work/hobby/cook a special dinner for friends and family/counseling).

Know that you don't have control over the relationship and would you want him back "as is?" I know, for me, no thanks. If he decides to stay it will be on better circumstances. I love him but not enough to stay in the darkness.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Thanks for writing Corpuswife...

There still remains no contact. I am only angry, at this point, about all the bills he stuck me with and how he refuses to acknowledge any responsibility for the shared debt. That, and he has severed contact with my sons. Granted, they are not "his", but have been for just under ten years...

Other than that, I know I don't want to take back a lying drug addict. I am starting to feel a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders now and the air in the house is now lighter and the relationship with my children has gotten so much better without the fighting and resentment that filled this house for quite some time.

Now, I just want to move on and get this all over with, but he is just festering at his parents house, seemingly waiting for me to make a move..

Why should I have to do all the filing and work for a legal separation if he has initiated it all? I have always had to take care of everything and now it seems like he would just like me to clean this whole mess up too. It's just crap.

Hope y'all have a nice holiday weekend.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Just an update - a sad, pathetic one.

Without any communictaion at all, I was served with divorce papers today. Grounds of cruel and inhuman treatment.

LAUGHABLE! I supported this man. I am just disgusted..

So, this is probably it for me. I wish the best for the rest of you...


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Sorry you were blindsided ttbs. Your stbx and mine sound like they could be related! I've asked for money and not gotten any. I am going to talk with lawyer Monday to initiate divorce proceedings myself. I have no other choice as I need money for bills. Hang in there.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

Its been 5 months since I have been here in this forum looking for comfort. The divorce is halfway through (the legal process). I am dating a nice guy. I finally feel like I can breath..

Then, he calls, he texts, he comes over. Suddenly my ex is freaking out - now he says he misses me, loves me, hasn't said he doesn't still want the divorce but he is certainly acting like it.

I am frozen - in fear of all these feeling flooding back that I thought were "gone". Part of me loves that he feels crappy now, that he wants me back, that he realizes his mistake. But is it 8 months too late? 

I don't know what to do. This has been going on for two weeks now (the restarting of contact). He got me presents for my birthday "from the kids" - has been trying to help around the house and see my children. Now he is texting me similar to how I felt 6 months ago when I was here looking for a friendly ear...

I really care about the man I am with now, but now I am confused and scared...

Help!? How should I proceed? How do I know this is genuine and not just another mind game? Is it just jealousy? He hasn't dated anyone since we split up and he knows that I have a "friend" but not much else...

I am freaking out here people!!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Tryingtobestrong,

Take a deep breathe. First realize you don't have to make any decisions at the moment or in the moment. Your emotions are running high, you need to calm down and thing about things.

I haven't read your previous posts. Just know that he served you D papers, etc. If he had issues, has he changed them? How do you really feel about him. Think about those things. Then communicate with him. No reason not to just come out and ask him why now, what is your motivation? Be blunt, you deserve to hear him tell you.

Then from there you can decide things.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

FA: Perfect response. Take away the things that he's doing (gifts and chores) and find out the man that he is or has become!

Do you want that man?


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

I have also been separated from my husband for 3 months now. We have been married for 8 years together for 17 years. We have 3 kids 14, 8, and 6. He is a great man and I have truly taken him for granted for the last few years. He has struggled with jobs and motivation and i only helped him sink lower by my putdowns and lack of compassion. I recently have discovered all my contributions to our distressed marriage and I think it might be too late. He still loves me and I him but he says he might not be returning from this separation. We have separated before for silly things like arguments, but have never dwelled deep into the reasons for them. He has told me I have needed to change but I never did until now that I am losing the love of my life. He is a great father, friend , lover, and man and I want to fight to save our marriage but he feels there is no more left in him to try.
Our separation so far has opened my eyes to what I really do want out of life. I want to be a better mother, wife, daugther, sister, friend and a better me. So I have started reading self help books that deal with healing anger and resentment issues so that I can be a more loving compassionate person. All of the things I wasn't during our last few years of marriage. My problem is I want to deal with these problems head on while he wants to just separate and see how things go. Wont that lead to divorce??


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Working on yourself is working on your relationship. When you better yourself for you he will see. I'm not saying that will save your marriage, I'm saying that is the best course to try.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

And I understand that I need this separation time to grow as a person but what if I its so overwhelming that it impedes any real change. I feel empowered one day with hope and optimisim and reassurance that all will turn out well and then the next day I feel at my lowest. With time I know if he doesnt return I will be Ok but I will just be numbing and forgetting the love I truly feel for him.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

VGBK - I understand your grief....but I feel like I am losing my own post focus here?


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

sorry tryintobestrong will post on own thread.


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