# 3rd Marriage



## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm about to enter marriage for the third time. I don't recall the statistics for a successful 3rd marriage but I do remember the success ratio was terrible. I'm getting cold feet and thinking about calling the wedding off. Anyone have any experience in a third marriage or have any idea why they have such a poor success ratio? I would appreciate your comments.

SKB


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The reason 3rd marriages have a high failure rate is the same reason 2nd marriages do. Most didn't fix why the first one failed and they go on to make the same mistakes yet again. Stood by and watched in awe as my sister married the exact type of man TWICE. Yes both ended in divorce. Color me shocked. LOL

Oh and when you factor in blended families with step kids it's even harder.

Honestly my sister isn't marriage material and her man picker is demolished. She should stay single and for 12 years she has but I hear her boyfriend is pushing for marriage (it would be his 2nd). I think they are both nuts but hey they didn't ask me what I thought.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think 2nd and 3rd marriages split because marriage is HARD and when you've already been divorced once, you understand the process and you know you'll survive it. So when things aren't going well, you know how to exit the relationship.

Not that that is a good thing, I just think that's why it happens.

In my case, I hated going through a D and am in a 2nd marriage and will work harder than ever before to STAY married. In my 2nd go round I waited for the love of my life to show up, and wouldn't have married him at all if he wasn't.

I know that is still not a guarantee, but it was at least a better choice than I made the first time.

If you are worried about the 3rd marriage, why not just stay together with out the marriage license?


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Exactly. If you haven't done some really hard work, don't go there. 

I'm on my 3rd.

A big difference in this marriage is admitting that marriage, as such, is a "thing." I never agreed with that before--hey, it's just two people hanging out together, right? No, it's so much more. I now understand it is something to understand and tend on its own merits, and not to take for granted that the marriage will take care of itself. Being married is different from doing anything else with a partner. I now value the marriage as such and work to honor it. That's a big difference from my first two where I just wanted to be married.... because. This is a far more conscious marriage. BTW, it's my H's first--so it was a huge deal for him. 

On a practical level, one tough item is that of ingrained habits--we're both so far down the path of life and "well, this has always worked for me," that compromise is challenging. It's not like when you're young & starting out with someone for the first time. It's more like, "Get out of my way, this is how I am, this is what works for me." We don't seem to have a ready supply of patience and innocence with the notion of doing things a different way or a new way. 

Counseling and listening respectfully are key to resolving this. Also, we have made sure to establish separate space for things, rather than thinking we have to share everything. You're more grownup now--think of having a separate bathroom, even. A separate study, or clearly divided spaces within a room. We have distinct "yours, mine, and ours" areas. I don't critique his space but I did get him a very handy IKEA organizer thingy for the desk mess....

For me, "due diligence" in making this a success meant, first, stepping back from relationships and studying the whole thing for quite some time--mostly via books--before marriage, and then participating here (TAM) for insight & warnings. I didn't go into it as "stupid" as before & the education is ongoing.

And then counseling as needed... off and on, it has helped, including agreeing to fire a counselor who seemed to be turning us against each other. 

And I think it's working. I take NOTHING for granted. Marriages are not automatic things that work by themselves. I take an active role in looking at myself and reality, and taking responsibility for the b.s. lingering in my brain. I figure it's okay to have learned from my first two bad choices. 

But here's the good part: My "man picker" really did do a better job this time around. He's someone I've known most of my adult life and got to know in many ways before we became romantically involved. His background is incredibly similar to mine and we share a lot of assumptions about everything, in contrast to my first two H's who were vastly different (hence attractive, I thought at the time!). My current H fit into my family so neatly it was mindblowing, as if we had all known each other forever. I feel at home with him. He is my home now. 

But to say "THIS one is working, this one will work, this one finally worked" would be premature. A big takeaway for me from the first two is that I have limits and boundaries, and I will respect those. I make those clear with my H, and we talk about them. There are some dealbreakers and I wont apologize for them. I always have the choice of throwing in the towel, even though I dedicate myself as if I'm here for the duration. No longer tolerating abuse is a critical underpinning of this marriage, and he knows it. People only cross unenforced boundaries. I stick up for myself now. (It's how I found TAM, actually, which gave me the backbone to speak up for some of those early boundary-crossings.)

And sometimes that gets worked out in MC. 

If you can be intentionally conscious and self-critical, deeply honest and deeply respectful of your partner, you too may find this refreshing and gratifying, not just another hopeful attempt full of wishful thinking.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I am married for the third time. My first marriage was terrible and short-lived. Second one was reasonably good overall, lasted 10 years. I'm beginning my third year with my new husband and it seems to get better and more supportive all the time. 

Why? 

I think we both have a good understanding of what commitment really looks like (many people don't.)

I think we both make it a point to show each other and tell each other that our marriage is what's most important to each of us - even when we are in serious disagreement. As an example, we've had serious issues over his stepdaughter that I couldn't tolerate. I told him that I wanted to support him but was unable to be ok with the way he was handling things, so I said I would move out until he got it resolved, but that I'd be as devoted to him as ever in every other way. He didn't want that, so he started changing a little in the direction I wanted to see. It took a long time, but the situation is now resolved after much back and forth (with tons of reassurance and acceptance along the way.)

I think we both took the issue of compatibility seriously this time around. We considered whether we were compatible in a way that was likely to cause problems later or not. (I wrote about compatibility at 5 Pillars of Compatibility (& Incompatibility).)

It seems that the more settled we get, the better we've become at understanding and supporting each other, when in my first two marriages, the opposite was true.


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

Just looked up the stats on 3rd marriages. 3rd marriages have a 73% failure rate according to Psychology Today. That's a pretty bleak outlook. Regardless, my fiancée has never been married and is really pushing the marriage. I find I really can't deny him. I do love him. What's the worst thing that could happen? A third divorce for me. So I've decided to go ahead with the wedding.'

Thank you all for your comments. Especially those of you that have experienced a third marriage first hand.

SKB


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

skb said:


> I'm about to enter marriage for the third time. I don't recall the statistics for a successful 3rd marriage but I do remember the success ratio was terrible. I'm getting cold feet and thinking about calling the wedding off. Anyone have any experience in a third marriage or have any idea why they have such a poor success ratio? I would appreciate your comments.
> 
> SKB


I'm in my 2nd marriage and my wife's in her 3rd and we are blissfully happy.

Her first marriage only lasted about 6 and a half months. At that time... it took 6 months to get divorced... So, it was a mistake from the get go. So, maybe we don't count that one.


My advise to you is... If you are having cold feet, post pone the marriage... You should know from personal experience how miserable a bad marriage is..


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> The reason 3rd marriages have a high failure rate is the same reason 2nd marriages do. Most didn't fix why the first one failed and they go on to make the same mistakes yet again. Stood by and watched in awe as my sister married the exact type of man TWICE. Yes both ended in divorce. Color me shocked. LOL
> 
> Oh and when you factor in blended families with step kids it's even harder.
> 
> Honestly my sister isn't marriage material and her man picker is demolished. She should stay single and for 12 years she has but I hear her boyfriend is pushing for marriage (it would be his 2nd). I think they are both nuts but hey they didn't ask me what I thought.


Too many people don't seem to learn from their mistakes. They don't analyze why they were unhappy. They get unhappy and they just start changing things.


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

hambone said:


> I'm in my 2nd marriage and my wife's in her 3rd and we are blissfully happy.
> 
> Her first marriage only lasted about 6 and a half months. At that time... it took 6 months to get divorced... So, it was a mistake from the get go. So, maybe we don't count that one.
> 
> ...


Believe me I do know how miserable a bad marriage is. Still, I think I'm going to take a chance one more time. I'm convinced my fiancée is good marriage material.

SKB


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