# Lost



## xunie (Jan 9, 2015)

Hi, I need some advice and dont know where to turn. Ive been married for over 10 years and we've never had a very good relationship. We stuck it out primarily for our son. 

In our marriage, Ive always taken the backseat. My husbands family has always been much more important to him. Buying presents for his nieces and nephews and celebrating a new job with his sisters. I've never been important to him at all, and for the longest time I just expected it and got used to it.

Recently he went on a business trip and for some reason, I thought he would bring me home some sort of present, even if it was just a souvenir. He didnt and I was so upset, even though thats what has always been the norm. Later while going through his emails, I found out he had bought presents for a couple of women at work. It broke my heart. I have been his wife for so many years and for every anniversary and birthday, I would expect something and never get anything. But his family always would. And now even these women at this work are more important to him than me. 

One of these women has a serious crush on him and after the gift incident, I became insanely jealous of her. He told me he was going for coffee with her and I told him I wish he wouldn't go. He went anyway. I became so upset, I told him I was leaving, something Ive never done before. We worked it out and got over it, but he never promised or said he wouldn't go with her again. 

Recently, I found out he went with her secretly again. And it broke my heart. I have been his wife for so long. My mother in law has lived with us since day one and I have put up with so much from her and my other in-laws. I have sacrificed constantly for the marriage and this is my return? That he cant even stay away from a woman at my request?

I don't know what to do. Its not like he's unfeeling or uncaring. He knows how to treat his family. And obviously he knows how to treat other women. Our anniversary was last week, and again nothing on his end.

What do I do? I am so lost. Leaving isn't an option. I can't talk to him, because he knows exactly how I feel. He just doesn't care. How do I move forward?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You said it yourself... He doesn't care. So what are you going to do about it? Continue living like this, or find a way out?

C


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

People treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. You and your husband are caught in a very negative, unbalanced, unhealthy dynamic and for some reason, he sees you as his personal servant and not an equal partner in a marriage. And for some reason, you have allowed it.

I think either you both go to marriage counseling ASAP or it's likely time to pull the plug on this marriage.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> You said it yourself... He doesn't care. So what are you going to do about it? Continue living like this, or find a way out?
> 
> C


:iagree:

Xunie,

Your husband does not value you at all & does not respect you. I can bet you that he is cheating with that female co-worker, even if it is an emotional affair & hasn't gone physical YET.

You said that leaving was not an option....well, unfortunately, you must not mind living in the status quo. Your husband has nothing to lose & he knows it. You even said he treated you like this before you got married, you put up with it so he dishes it. We teach people how to treat us. My dear, you taught your husband to treat you poorly.

I would advise you to read up on the 180. That is basically where you live your life as if your husband was not in it. You take care of home, cook for yourself, do things for you only...you do nothing for your husband. If you have to speak, you speak cordially & act like nothing is bothering you. The only thing about the 180 is that it prepares you for a potential life without your husband. If you aren't ready for that, the 180 will not work.

Good luck!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would start with marriage counseling or couple therapy, perhaps over the years he has lost sight of what you mean to each other, what it was like at the beginning. if he does not think anything is wrong or if there is more to this relationship with this woman then perhaps it requires you to do some soul searching, and figure out your option....perhaps you may want to take some time away from the home on a mini vacation where you can relax for one, perhaps a spa, be by yourself or with a close friend and weight what you are willing to live with...in the mean time you tell your husband that your taking time to find out what you want from this marriage, and leave him to take care of your son, and the household...perhaps by you not being there he will acknowledge your loss and perhaps rethink counseling...you might even get away just the two of you and work on each other away from MIL and son. just some thoughts...good luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

xunie said:


> Hi, I need some advice and dont know where to turn. Ive been married for over 10 years and we've never had a very good relationship. We stuck it out primarily for our son.
> 
> In our marriage, Ive always taken the backseat. My husbands family has always been much more important to him. Buying presents for his nieces and nephews and celebrating a new job with his sisters. I've never been important to him at all, and for the longest time I just expected it and got used to it.
> 
> ...


Hmm... when you say that he's going out w/ these women from work, do you mean that they're going out for lunch during working hours or that he's going out of his way to meet them away from work for coffee, dinner, etc?

You also mentioned that you recently became aware of the fact that he secretly went out w/ her again; does he know that you're aware of this? If so, have the two of you discussed it at all?

Either way, how certain are you that your husband hasn't had/isn't having an affair w/ this woman? Or, for that matter, anyone else?

And why isn't leaving an option for you? After all, you'd threatened it once before.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

xunie said:


> Hi, I need some advice and dont know where to turn. Ive been married for over 10 years and we've never had a very good relationship. We stuck it out primarily for our son.
> 
> In our marriage, Ive always taken the backseat. My husbands family has always been much more important to him. Buying presents for his nieces and nephews and celebrating a new job with his sisters. I've never been important to him at all, and for the longest time I just expected it and got used to it.
> 
> ...


He stayed with you out of consideration for your son, just like you said. He's got his eye on other women. I work with a lot of men. I know what this sounds like. If he's treating others well but not you, time to consider canning this marriage. 

He shouldn't be going out to ANYTHING with this woman who has a crush on him. 

You're being disrespected. Now respect yourself and do something about it.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

JustTired said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Xunie,
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Yes, you threatened to leave him and he started to pay attention. Don't make threats if you don't intend to follow through with them. It just allows him to treat you poorly if you do. He now knows that your threats are empty and he can get away with continually ignoring you. 

Get into marriage counselling or therapy. He may not even realize how poorly he is treating you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, it's going to take YOU changing. Clearly you accepted yourself as a doormat by allowing yourself to be with a person like that or in a marriage like that.

You have 2 choices. Take action and see if your husband changes (assuming you even love him or want to continue this relationship).

or you divorce.

Kid should have absolutely no play in any of the above and will be just fine as long as both of you remain active/supportive parents.

Unhealthy relationship is WORST for the kid than divorced. You child is learning REALLY BAD relationship dynamics as we speak. To child, what it is today, is what the relationship should be....so he will accept and repeat that when he has one.

Actually, it's best for your child if you don't continue teaching him this sort of thing.

I don't see one bad advice in this thread, I suggest you take it all seriously. Sure he might be ****ty, but he is only as ****ty as you ENABLED him to be.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Leaving is ALWAYS an option, I HATE it when people say that! 

You cannot make idle threats...if you say you are going to leave, then you have to leave, or you just give more ammunition for your own abuse.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Leaving is ALWAYS an option, I HATE it when people say that!
> 
> You cannot make idle threats...if you say you are going to leave, then you have to leave, or you just give more ammunition for your own abuse.


As I like to say, ACTIONS speak louder than words.

Her husband knows her words are empty.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)




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## xunie (Jan 9, 2015)

Thank you all so much for all your advice! I've been so confused and lost since all this begun. I think Ive finally woken up and have finally started to realize what is going on.

The reason I said leaving is not an option is because of my son. He is so attached to is both and he doesn't really know much of what is going on. My husband really is an amazing father (he's excellent at all his other relationships) and I don't want my son to lose that because if I left I would move to the city my parents are in and they'd rarely see each other.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

xunie said:


> Thank you all so much for all your advice! I've been so confused and lost since all this begun. I think Ive finally woken up and have finally started to realize what is going on.
> 
> The reason I said leaving is not an option is because of my son. He is so attached to is both and he doesn't really know much of what is going on. My husband really is an amazing father (he's excellent at all his other relationships) and I don't want my son to lose that because if I left I would move to the city my parents are in and they'd rarely see each other.


It wouldn't be a given that you can move your son to another city, so perhaps your first step should be to talk to a lawyer and get an understanding of your rights and obligations.

C


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

PBear said:


> It wouldn't be a given that you can move your son to another city, so perhaps your first step should be to talk to a lawyer and get an understanding of your rights and obligations.
> 
> C


Unless the city is in the same state. I think there can be a limit put on how far you can move also in some states when it comes to the kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DayDream said:


> Unless the city is in the same state. I think there can be a limit put on how far you can move also in some states when it comes to the kids.


That's the issue... Different jurisdictions have different laws. Which is why she needs to talk to a lawyer.

C


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