# Little opportunity to deeply know your fiancée, would you talk to his ex husband?



## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

*Little opportunity to deeply know your fiancée, would you talk to her ex husband?*

Me and my girlfriend have known each other for over 2 years, but being a distant relationship we truly have spent much less time together, we live in different states and only meet on the odd weekends and short holidays. We are talking about marriage now as she says she won’t move in with me without being married, she has a teenage daughter with her ex and needs security before moving house, which is fine, we love each other, yet the fact that we never lived together for prolonged periods makes things difficult for me to gather how it might be (it’s difficult already for couples who have lived together for ages for God’s sake).

Sometimes she says things I really don’t agree with and rarely shows me she can compromise on things at all, for instance she says she likes to sleep in the morning, she won’t work, she likes nice things in life, when she has cravings for something that’s it I should buy it even if I stand up and say no she says I can't change her and this brings friction. She spoke to me about her previous relationship very very badly like he was a total monster, but at the end of the day it usually takes two to tango.. I never had the opportunity to meet his ex since a few days ago as he lives abroad, I spoke to him five minutes which was a bit awkward but he seemed a great and honest guy. Would you give him a call or set up a meeting with him man to man if nothing else just to hear his side of the story? Do you think that’s acceptable?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

No, I wouldn't. You pointed out enough red flags in your opening post that not only would I not talk to the ex, I'd stop talking to the woman, too. Sounds like she's just looking for a fool to pay her bills and buy her shiny things.


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## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

To be fair it's not like she's demanding stuff all the time, but when she wants something (whether it's material things or a restaurant or else) she'll sulk like a little child and remind me that these little things in life make a difference, at one point she refused my engagement ring as it wasn't good enough apparently and said we will buy a better one when we have more money. So yeah sometimes I wonder how many rows this behaviour will bring when we live together, maybe I am a bit cautious with money but that's because I plan and save for meaningful things in life, I keep repeating myself that she needs to get more familiar with the word 'compromising' but I don't seem to get the point across.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Talking to the ex is only going to bring negative comments most likely, not to mention she will probably flip out at you for doing it. As MJJEAN pointed out there are already red flags, I certainly wouldn't consider marriage until you know each other better. 

Can you take a vacation together? If not is it possible one of you take a vacation and stay at the others place for a week? Day to day face time is very important when getting to know one another, it's easy to be fake and on your best behavior a few hours a week but when you're with someone every day their true self will show up.

It's obvious you two aren't financially compatible, and that's just as important as any other type of compatibility. She seems impulsive and entitled, you seem to be a saver and planner, that difference alone would be enough to make me back off.


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## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

I'm aware of the red flags pointed out. I also agree with your last comment about financial compatibility issues. Yes we have spent short holidays like a week or ten days together, both in neutral places and in each other's houses (ownership mine, rental hers), with and without her daughter, it was alright and we always got on, but that's holidays, real life where I wake up every day for my 50hrs a week job will be a different thing. Yes I imagine comments will be negative from her ex that's to be expected, it just could be a way to hear both sides of the story and most of all to understand if lies were told. But yeah I can see this is borderline.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would leave the ex out of this, with her not willing to learn the word compromise(which is a big factor in marriages working out) that alone will give you big headaches. With her not even wanting to contribute financially is another big one, what if something happened and you couldn't work would she stick around?

She has already proven it's about money, by not accepting your engagement ring because of the size of the rock.This is a big issue you have regarding her character. In my opinion I would take a step back and look at the whole picture and just going by what you know about her already, will it be worth it in the end.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Pencil said:


> man to man... Do you think that’s acceptable?


No. Maybe if it were a house or a car or an employee, or adopting a child or a dog, but a personal relationship with another human being that's supposed to be an equal-peer relationship? H*ll NO.

This man-to-man thing is revealing...a person is not chattel. A relationship is different between every two human beings, just because you share the same gender with her ex and just because you will presumably be doing some things generally the same way (i.e. sex) doesn't mean you can really glean much info from the 'former owner' so to speak, which it seems is what you're doing.

If you have doubts and reservations, don't proceed. End of story.

People don't come with warranties or guarantees. A relationship is what you make of it, not how it went with the former partner. If I found out that a man I was serious about went to my ex looking for information, I wouldn't be serious about him any more. 

That said, your fiance doesn't seem like a good fit for you, for the reasons you stated. But I suspect unless you are a huge pushover which it doesn't seem you are, you're not a good fit for her either.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am truly shocked that bells are not going off in your head......talk about high maintenance, and while I get the fact you love her, but listen to the others here, in the long run she will make you a miserable wife. The signs are all there, your not reading them correctly.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Please tell us you have reservations and is only coming here to have your feelings validated. 

Because a blind bull will see those red flags.

No. You should not call the ex to find out about their relationship.

You are in a relationship with a child. Children need to have what they want when they want. They are selfish in their needs and wants. Seems like she never grew up.

A woman who does not want your engagement ring because it's too small have no respect for you. A relationship with no respect from your wife is a failure. Your life will end up miserable trying to make her happy. She wants a paycheck to pay her way.

Good luck. Let us know how your life turned out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't think calling the X to confirm that you already know she is high maintenance and not compatable is necessary. You already know that. This is your common sense trying to tell you this isn't going to work. The only thing I could suggest is to have her move in and reevaluate that from there but since she won't don't that, kinda telling, then I think you need to walk in my opinion.


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## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

> No. Maybe if it were a house or a car or an employee, or adopting a child or a dog, but a personal relationship with another human being that's supposed to be an equal-peer relationship? H*ll NO.


Well believe it or not, should she move in with me, I and her ex will be "best of friends" anyway. I'm saying this because the guy doesn't speak to her anymore, or very little, just when it comes to picking up and dropping off the daughter for holiday visits, so he said to the Judge (I was there) that I will be his point of contact to avoid frictions with his ex for the benefit of their daughter. As I said we spoke like 5 minutes but he was reassured enough for me to assist the court hearing and make me his official intermediary. In some way I feel I own the guy for being very reasonable and amicable in what must've been a very difficult decision for him (at present they live at a distance manageable by car, if she moves in with me it will mean flights for him to see her daughter).



> If you have doubts and reservations, don't proceed. End of story.
> 
> People don't come with warranties or guarantees. A relationship is what you make of it, not how it went with the former partner.


Sure, the distance relationship in my case makes things difficult for me/us though, and hearing his side of the story was just an idea to get more insights, albeit not neccessarily relevant I agree.



> I am truly shocked that bells are not going off in your head......talk about high maintenance, and while I get the fact you love her, but listen to the others here, in the long run she will make you a miserable wife. The signs are all there, your not reading them correctly.


I know, it's gonna be difficult though, I genuinely thought she was the one, at least the last opportunity to start a family, I'm 43, very little chance of meeting new people in my line of work and online dating most likely will take me to another distance relationship question mark.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Got to ask @Pencil, is she hot?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Got to ask @Pencil, is she hot?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair question. Well she's good looking yes, but that's not the main reason I chose her in the first place, she has other qualities, she has a big heart, she's kind, she can make me feel truly loved most of the time. Unfortunately she periodically turns into a child stamping her foot on what she wants, I confronted her with this and she admits being a child and that won't change :/ Wanting quality things would not be an issue in itself is she would bring home some bacon, but she most likely won't, she cooks, cleans, irons, etc.. (for what I've seen so far) but she's clearly allergic to work and early morning wakeups, I told her that working from home a few hours would be more than enough (and would also give her something to do instead of looking at things to buy and places to see) but God knows if her saying okay is just lip service to me in order to get married.. as numero uno said no guarantees.. 
I'm not completely blind and I appreciated all your comments.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

There are so many red flags here I would stop the relationship or at least seriously think about what life would be like with her. First of all, to answer your question, I wouldn't talk to the ex because you'll very likely get a biased story, but judging from what you aready know, you have enough to stop the relationship in it's tracks. She sound just like my wife, want's the most expensive things, won't work and sulks if she doesn't get it. That right there would be enough for me to walk away. Any woman who won't work and do her share you should never consider anyway. If she can't respect you trying to save for the future, you don't need her. Find someone who wants to work and do her share and doesn't need pretty things around her. Please don't make the mistake of letting this women dupe you into marriage. I've had a 20+ year marriage to someone exactly like her and it's been HELL. Read my posts if you don't believe me.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Pencil said:


> Well believe it or not, should she move in with me, I and her ex will be "best of friends" anyway. I'm saying this because the guy doesn't speak to her anymore, or very little, just when it comes to picking up and dropping off the daughter for holiday visits, so he said to the Judge (I was there) that I will be his point of contact to avoid frictions with his ex for the benefit of their daughter.


No. You will be stuck in the middle between two people who can't even talk for the sake of their child. You'll be disliked from both sides.



> As I said we spoke like 5 minutes but he was reassured enough for me to assist the court hearing and make me his official intermediary.


I'm surprised a judge allowed someone unrelated to the case to even step foot inside the courtroom, aside from the public gallery, let alone become involved.



> In some way I feel I own the guy for being very reasonable and amicable in what must've been a very difficult decision for him (at present they live at a distance manageable by car, if she moves in with me it will mean flights for him to see her daughter).


Again no. Since the mother moved the child away from the father she may have to pay for the flights. And by "she" I mean "you" of course.



> I know, it's gonna be difficult though, I genuinely thought she was the one, at least the last opportunity to start a family, I'm 43, very little chance of meeting new people in my line of work and online dating most likely will take me to another distance relationship question mark.


It's not the distance that is the problem here. It's getting married to someone you don't really know and what you do know all looks pretty bad.

If I were her X I'd give you a glowing reference that would make Mother Theresa look bad as the second she marries you she ceases to be his problem with the exception of child support. In his place I'd probably hug and kiss you myself.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Pencil said:


> I genuinely thought she was the one, at least the last opportunity to start a family, I'm 43, very little chance of meeting new people in my line of work and online dating most likely will take me to another distance relationship question mark.


You seem to be pursuing someone you know isn't what you want or truly compatible with you because you're afraid she's your last chance. She sounds like a bad bet. But, frankly, that you're willing to marry a woman whom you don't think deserves better than being chosen because of your own desperation, says nothing complimentary about you either.

OP, it may be time for some IC. Firstly, to figure out why you don't think you deserve better than this sad state of affairs. Secondly, to figure out why you don't think that she does but are willing to marry her anyway.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, to talking to her ex. Yes, to rethinking what you're about to do.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Pencil,

From what you wrote, I would definitely ask her ex if she had cheated on him, if you get a yes then you may have saved yourself alot of pain in the future.

If you get a yes and then ask your GF about it and she gives an excuse for her cheating "he wasn't paying attention to me" "he cheated too" etc then you have an ENORMOUS NO.

The ex not wanting to see her is a red flag as well.

There is also the issue of her painting him as a monster, if it turns out she cheated on him and is just running him down then she is a liar and covering her tracks.

Tamat


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

In other words, do NOT marry this woman!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Pencil said:


> Unfortunately she periodically turns into a child stamping her foot on what she wants, I confronted her with this and she admits being a child and that won't change :/ Wanting quality things would not be an issue in itself is she would bring home some bacon, but she most likely won't, she cooks, cleans, irons, etc.. (for what I've seen so far) but she's clearly allergic to work and early morning wakeups, I told her that working from home a few hours would be more than enough (and would also give her something to do instead of looking at things to buy and places to see) but God knows if her saying okay is just lip service to me in order to get married.. as numero uno said no guarantees..
> I'm not completely blind and I appreciated all your comments.


Acting like an immature child won't change!!

Why the hell did you say working from home a few hours would be enough...IT'S NOT ENOUGH!!

Listen pal, don't defend this woman anymore and get off this train before it's inevitable resounding crash. I guarantee you will be miserable with her. All she wants is for you to pay her bills. That's all you'll get.


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## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> From what you wrote, I would definitely ask her ex if she had cheated on him, if you get a yes then you may have saved yourself alot of pain in the future.


She never cheated that I'm sure of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There are a few points I would like to make:

1) You only live once. Make good choices.....easy to say, right?

2) Marriage is forever. That is what the vows say............. I know, reality says otherwise. 

3) Why jump in a good looking but slippery canoe?

4) She is divorced. Why is this? Did the ex-husband cheat on her or vice-versa? What broke them apart. Obviously, there is great animosity between them. Why can't she be neutral or civil with her ex. This seems immature on her part, since enough time has gone past. I would want to know this, also. You do not want to buy a hopelessly flawed rose. It may be that they were not compatible in so many ways.

5) If you have not been married [yet] by age 43, I suspect you are very independent and not [in the habit of] compromising, yourself. Does this strike a nerve? Are you a former player, now ready to slide into the married life? Or are you somewhat nerdy or an introvert that has a difficult time establishing and maintaining a relationship?

6) No two people are totally compatible. Initially, it is the chemistry that holds the couple together. What holds them together for a lifetime are similar likes and dislikes. If you two are very compatible in what you "do" in life, then marry. You must do things together and enjoy doing things together. This is a biggee.

7) If the only bug-a-boo between you two is finances, you must be fair but firm if she is a spendthrift. Be the man in the house when it comes to spending. Talk to her kindly and tell her this is what to expect in any marriage between you two.

8) Keeping up with the Joneses and not saving for retirement is another common error for couples. 

9) Talk to her about your long-term plans. See if she can go along with these things. She needs to know what is what, with you and her.

10) Don't jump off the roof in the dark. I see that you are already asking these things.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How do they manage by car if he lives abroad? I want me one of those cars.

Dump the woman before she turns into your worst nightmare. You're thinking out of desperation and that's what you'll wind up with - a desperate woman.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Pencil said:


> Sometimes she says things I really don’t agree with and rarely shows me she can compromise on things at all, for instance she says she likes to sleep in the morning, she won’t work, she likes nice things in life, when she has cravings for something that’s it I should buy it even if I stand up and say no she says I can't change her and this brings friction. She spoke to me about her previous relationship very very badly like he was a total monster, but at the end of the day it usually takes two to tango.. I never had the opportunity to meet his ex since a few days ago as he lives abroad, I spoke to him five minutes which was a bit awkward but he seemed a great and honest guy. Would you give him a call or set up a meeting with him man to man if nothing else just to hear his side of the story? Do you think that’s acceptable?


It seems that she has quite a sense of entitlement. I would be very wary about that trait. I can't overstate how wary I would be of that trait. 

No, I would not try to meet with her ex. That's a bad idea for many reasons.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Pencil said:


> Me and my girlfriend have known each other for over 2 years, but being a distant relationship we truly have spent much less time together, we live in different states and only meet on the odd weekends and short holidays. We are talking about marriage now as she says she won’t move in with me without being married, she has a teenage daughter with *his* ex and needs security before moving house, which is fine, we love each other, yet the fact that we never lived together for prolonged periods makes things difficult for me to gather how it might be (it’s difficult already for couples who have lived together for ages for God’s sake).
> 
> Sometimes she says things I really don’t agree with and rarely shows me she can compromise on things at all, for instance she says she likes to sleep in the morning, she won’t work, she likes nice things in life, when she has cravings for something that’s it I should buy it even if I stand up and say no she says I can't change her and this brings friction. She spoke to me about her previous relationship very very badly like he was a total monster, but at the end of the day it usually takes two to tango.. I never had the opportunity to meet *his *ex since a few days ago as he lives abroad, I spoke to him five minutes which was a bit awkward but he seemed a great and honest guy. Would you give him a call or set up a meeting with him man to man if nothing else just to hear his side of the story? Do you think that’s acceptable?



Seems like you can't decide if this is about a man or woman, even the title of your thread is off


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Look pencil, you don't seem very sharp. Why talk to her ex, what's the point? First off, she is very immature. #2, she seems to like spending money. Get the lead out, and erase this woman from your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

> Acting like an immature child won't change!!


That’s true. I’m afraid.



> Why the hell did you say working from home a few hours would be enough...IT'S NOT ENOUGH!!


I used to think so in the past but to be fair, if a woman does her chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry, clearing clutter..), working a few hours a week is not such a bad arrangement, or all you guys want or have women who work like you (and maybe make you eat out of precooked meals)? 



> She is divorced. Why is this? Did the ex-husband cheat on her or vice-versa? What broke them apart. Obviously, there is great animosity between them. Why can't she be neutral or civil with her ex. This seems immature on her part, since enough time has gone past. I would want to know this, also. You do not want to buy a hopelessly flawed rose. It may be that they were not compatible in so many ways.


Amongst other things, he turned violent towards her, she has police records about this. What turned an apparently docile man into a violent one, if he was, is another big red flag. In her "defense" the guy was married twice before her and soon he'll have a 4th wife, so he must be doing something wrong, surely.



> If you have not been married [yet] by age 43, I suspect you are very independent and not [in the habit of] compromising, yourself. Does this strike a nerve? Are you a former player, now ready to slide into the married life? Or are you somewhat nerdy or an introvert that has a difficult time establishing and maintaining a relationship?


I can compromise, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two years, but when it’s not reciprocated it’s hard and makes you think..


On a side note, I also was also looking for a few opinions and posts regarding mother in laws, did a search on the forum but so many of them, if you have some particular thread which you consider worth reading about mother in laws feel free to share. (should this relationship have a future in a few years time her mother would join us, which I know will be a headache as she could speak with her mum in her native language cutting me out and scheming..)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"her mother would join us, which I know will be a headache as she could speak with her mum in her native language cutting me out and scheming..)"

You have no business even considering marrying this woman. You have zero trust in this woman.


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## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You have no business even considering marrying this woman. You have zero trust in this woman.


mmhhh.. if you read the thread I'm actually just about the only person who spoke positively about her. 
What I said is kind of true though, and I told her this while making jokes but that's gonna happen, they won't speak in English as her mother doesn't speak English at all.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Why would you marry a woman literally no one else has anything nice to say about? 

And a scheming foreign mother in law who you won't be able to communicate at all moving in with you too? 

Is this for real? Are you a glutton for punishment?


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Stay atleast a year together. Ideally 2 years before you marry

And so many red flags.

I thought I would use the word desperate, then I read this''



> I genuinely thought she was the one, at least the last opportunity to start a family, I'm 43, very little chance of meeting new people in my line of work and online dating most likely will take me to another distance relationship question mark.


You are quite desperate


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Pencil said:


> Would you give him a call or set up a meeting with him man to man if nothing else just to hear his side of the story? Do you think that’s acceptable?


On the off chance this is a real thread. Yeah, I would definitely talk to the ex husband.

Maybe he will convince you to dump this gold digger whose sunk her claws into a fresh chump.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I don't get these long distance relationships. There are so many people out there in this world close to you, why not date someone locally?

I did the LDR with my soon to be ex wife and moved her out to Vegas to be with me. We met when we lived in same town, so it wasn't an Internet thing. I moved away 3 months later and had a 1500 mile distance between us. I felt trapped and didn't end it when I should have. I put myself in a really bad situation. Been there, done that, got the divorce.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

sparrow555 said:


> Stay atleast a year together. Ideally 2 years before you marry
> 
> And so many red flags.
> 
> ...


My thoughts exactly.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

It is obvious that you need to talk to her ex husband. It will give you more knowledge. Hopefully it will be enough to see that you would make a huge mistake by marrying her. Not sure it will be enough for you though, as what you have already described would be enough for 95% of guys.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You want to meet HIS ex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

Why do you need a stranger to confirm what you already know?


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

AND, if my H had gone to my EX to "get a reference" in essence, I'd be pretty darn upset.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Peaf said:


> AND, if my H had gone to my EX to "get a reference" in essence, I'd be pretty darn upset.


I wouldn't be upset. I would be disappointed. Having a consult with my EX would show a lack of trust in me that would kill the relationship. I'm an open book. I believe intimacy begins with honesty. 

Now, would I watch how they treat, interact and talk about their EX? Yep, that's fair game.


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## Pencil (Mar 14, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> On the off chance this is a real thread. Yeah, I would definitely talk to the ex husband.
> 
> Maybe he will convince you to dump this gold digger whose sunk her claws into a fresh chump.


Worth pointing out that I'm not rich, there's very little to dig into.



Peaf said:


> AND, if my H had gone to my EX to "get a reference" in essence, I'd be pretty darn upset.


It would've been just about hearing his side of the story as since then I only had hers. We will have a friendly relationship anyway, but yeah I won't call him about this. As I said the guy is getting married for the 4th time..



SadSamIAm said:


> Not sure it will be enough for you though, as what you have already described would be enough for 95% of guys.


This 95% only know what I wrote, the girl has in fact many qualities that I had never found on other girls (I've never seen myself as desperate, had my fair share of nice and good looking partners). Working occasionally as I said I think it would be a good compromise, but yes the sulking I'm really struggling to understand, I'm a mature person and expect adults to be mature on all occasions, if any other girl here can 'defend' this behaviour feel free to contribute.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Pencil I'm sure your girlfriend has many positive qualities, and in the early stages of a relationship we all have a tendency to overlook a few red flags because we are in love and want to think everything will work out perfectly. We tend to think emotional instead of logically, and that's how we end up in trouble a few years later, those little quirks build into issues causing huge amounts of resentment, and that will crumble any marriage.

Right now you need to think with the logical part of your brain. How much does it really bother you when she has an immature tantrum? How much will it bother you to have to support her and her mother? How much will it bother you to feel like an outsider in your own home as they talk in their native language so you can't understand? How much will it bother you to be married to someone who doesn't understand compromise? 

We here on TAM can look at your situation logically and with wisdom from experience, most of us will admit to ignoring red flags at some point (because love clouds judgement) and regretting it in the end. We aren't so much trying to disparage your girlfriend as we are trying to encourage you to recognize the differences between you and her and realize how difficult a marriage may be. 

Take the fact that you love this woman out of the equation and think if she's someone you would want in your life and living in your home.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Seems like you can't decide if this is about a man or woman, even the title of your thread is off


Lol yes the Op has given the red flag for trolling but it is all good fun anyway. Unless he was a she and she was married to a s/he and they were all transgender and the uncles, brothers, sisters mother was the ex then why would the OP be referring to his supposedly female fiancé as a male???????


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