# Porn and Marriage equals divorce?



## ImSoLoveTorn (Jul 26, 2013)

We’ve been married for over 7 years and love each other very much. We have been struggling hard with the issue of my porn use on and off for 4 years. She wants to leave/divorce because she equates this with cheating/infidelity. Porn has always been a tool I’ve used for stimulation during masturbation since puberty and has stayed pretty much the same with respect to frequency and genre for all these years. 
Growing up in a strict catholic family and community in Asia where anything related to sexual freedom and porn is hidden and/or forbidden, I had to hide this part of me and if ever caught I was always chastised and punished severely (beaten). I was then made to promise never to do it again. As a result I became a master at hiding it from my parents/elders. However, I was open with my girlfriends and some friends about it. 
I worked hard in high school so I could get away from a place where I had to hide this and made it to the USA to go to college. However, out of fear or shame or something instilled in me from all those years of hiding it I never advertised it to too many people, and this is still hard for me to talk about especially, write about on here but I'm getting better at it over time. 
I had mentioned my porn use to my wife casually once during our 1st year married that I had porn pulled up on the PC and she didn’t make much of it (she says she doesn’t remember it). About 4 years ago she had found it on the PC and actually looked at it and took offense to it, we fought about it and she has been against it ever since. Back then I did only thing I knew how to do and promised I would never do it again it was like being back in my parents’ house. I was never able to keep that promise since after a while (months of holding out) I would go back to using it. Since then my wife and I have fought on numerous occasions about our difference of opinion about it, for her it’s cheating, for me it is not. And it has been back and forth ever since. For a while she tried to accept it as long as I would be honest to her about using it – but when I started telling her she would get hurt and it would affect her affection for me as well as her sex drive. She got to the point where she couldn’t accept it anymore, we had come full circle. So I started hide it. I lie to her about using it; she finds it, feels cheated betrayed and lied to, she threatens to leave. I apologize and stop for another few months because I hate how it hurts her. And the cycle continues. Sometimes I do feel like I should just stop forever but I'm afraid that I will not be happy/sexually satisfied since I do have a little freak in me and my wife doesn’t like the kinky stuff. I don’t want to ever force her to do things she doesn’t love doing. I realize porn has conditioned my mind to like the hardcore stuff and it’s been something I’ve used as a stimulant for 15 years. It gives me something that I am not getting in our sex life. I have never been with another woman since being married but she makes me feel like a cheater. I am contemplating the 12 steps program and sex-aholics anonymous. But it feels like a life sentence and that I am being controlled by her opinion about porn and her insecurities. Also I fear that this will make married life miserable for me. I'm so torn with this, I feel alone, cornered and trapped. What do I do?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You must be Filipino then, Catholic in Asia. 

Has porn taken over your sex life? Meaning, if your wife had no idea you are watching porn, do you guys have a healthy sexual relationship? If your habit interferes with your sex life then you do have a problem.

Now have you ever thought about having your wife watch with you? Don't bring up the hard stuff. There is enough good soft porn out there now that she won't probably be offended. In fact it might even turn her on. 

I also suggest to recondition yourself. You can get wired into some really hard stuff that it may become the only way for you to get turned on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How would you feel if your wife used porn as much as you do?

How often do you have sex with your wife?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Why is her opinion on porn wrong? Why is her opinion put down as being about insecurity, and your use of it is automatically OK? It could be that you both have deeply held views and opinions that are just different. You had not revealed your use of porn to her until after you were already married. She didn't have the option of deciding if she was OK with it before getting married. If she's a strong Catholic, she's probably not going to take divorce lightly, and she's also probably going to have strong views on porn, that won't necessarily have anything to do with insecurity. 

In other words, she didn't sign up for this. She doesn't want to put up with it, as it violates her personal values. You've also lied to her regarding it. You don't want to give it up, as you feel it's important to you having a satisfying sexual life. She doesn't want to be forced to turn a blind eye to what she deeply feels to be cheating. And she doesn't want to be lied to. 

Since neither of you feel you can be true to yourselves unless you stick to what you believe is right for you, then let her have the divorce. 

I would just recommend that you be totally honest with the next woman with whom you become involved. Let her know the whole story, and let her make an informed choice. There are women who will be OK with it. Hold out for one of them. That way you will both be happy.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

IMO porn and all sex related stuff needs to be brought right out into the open as you are getting to know a woman WAY before marriage is even a consideration. 

Porn is a part of you that you intentionally hid, which means you were lying about yourself when you two were getting to know each other. Her feelings for you are for a you that doesn't have that part. I think in situations like this She either has to accept that part of you and love you as a whole person, flaws and all, or you just have to change and get rid of that part. 

Being that you deceived it is on you to change. Is she worth it to you? If you want to keep your marriage you need to stop looking at porn and give her essentially total control over your pc. Beg for forgiveness. 

It has nothing to do with who is right or wrong where the cheating is concerned. That is how she really feels which means by default it is totally legit. You have to give her that. If you don't respect her feelings you don't respect her. 

I would seriously consider therapy. You got some pretty deep seated cultural-psychological stuff going on there and you need help. IF you think you have a problem you need to tell her you are sick in that way and are going to get treatment for it. 

My wife hates porn to sometimes. Other times she will surprise me by letting me "catch her" masturbating to porn, or she will catch me and masturbate right along with me. (omg I love her let me count the ways, there are reasons for wanting it to work). 

Other times my wife feels cheated on, or feels like I am wanting her less because I am into porn. When she is in that mode I just have to stop looking at porn until she decides to go into the other mode. The point is, she is in control of it and it all happens in her comfort zone, or it doesn't happen/I have to stop. Whether or not I think it is just some goofy sht in her head, I see her feelings as legit simply because I love her and owe that to her as part of the overall commitment. 

Good luck. Get help. Make your wife happy and you will probably be much happier yourself once you adjust.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So you are torn between marriage and watching Porn? really? Is it that important in your life? Do you have children? 

I think you need to really think about the value you are getting from each.


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## ImSoLoveTorn (Jul 26, 2013)

@alpha 
not catholic or Filipino, have asked her if she would like to watch with me, we have tried softer stuff, but she doesn't like it. As to how it affects our sex life, i still want to have sex all the time, twice a day if it were up to me. i cant get enough of her at the same time we have gotten into a routine (missionary, cowgirl, doggie, done) i always wanna do more stuff but it always feels like shes not into it or its too freaky for her.


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## ImSoLoveTorn (Jul 26, 2013)

@EleGirl

If she watched and i found out i would ask her if i could join/help/watch her. We have sex about 1 to 2 times a week. not enough for me that's for sure. but its about both quality and quantity for me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quality and quantity... and porn is such high quality, right?

You married the wrong woman. Presented yourself to her as someone you are not. That's the bottom line here.

She as a right to here feelings and beliefs. You have the right to yours as well.

To give you an interesting perspective, here's something for you to watch...

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn.

Either chose your marriage or chose porn.

If you chose porn then if you decide to marry again don't lie about who you are. Find a woman who is as into porn and sex as you are.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

It sounds like you are addicted.

In the end you make the decision, your hand or your wife? Which will it be?


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## ImSoLoveTorn (Jul 26, 2013)

Alpha said:


> It sounds like you are addicted.
> 
> In the end you make the decision, your hand or your wife? Which will it be?


Yes thanks for stating the obvious. It was mind blowing! :smthumbup:

Most ppl are addicted to something or the other.


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## ImSoLoveTorn (Jul 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Quality and quantity... and porn is such high quality, right?
> 
> You married the wrong woman. Presented yourself to her as someone you are not. That's the bottom line here.
> 
> ...


This was extremely helpful. Thank you. Still going through all the information on the site. 
FYI I never lied about who I was when we got married we are both very into sex and agree it is extremely important to our marriage. She is an ex-stripper and we both love to party; my mistake was assuming given her history and the circumstance, porn would never be a issue far less a marriage deal breaker. And this became an issue only after she saw it and felt cheated on because i was getting pleasure from a much more graphic, stimulating and easy source. We were in our 20s and didn't think it necessary to do full evaluations or judge each other. This also makes me think that the love is conditional (upon me quitting and doing SA) not unconditional. In which case is it true love IDK


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## ImSoLoveTorn (Jul 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Quality and quantity... and porn is such high quality, right?
> 
> You married the wrong woman. Presented yourself to her as someone you are not. That's the bottom line here.
> 
> ...


FYI most porn is high quality HD 720 pi or better nowadays. Of-course, I married the wrong woman, there's no way she married the wrong man, right? She was fine with the idea of it when I mentioned it but she had not seen it. After seeing exactly what I was talking about and comparing herself to it she sad herself she can't compete with that. Ive never ever compared her to porn or the women in it or wanted her to compete with it. 
As for presenting myself please, she is an ex-stripper, had a kid when she was 17 and has done so much more crazy stuff than I have in my life. I never judged her for any of that but I did assume that porn would not be an issue and never ever grounds for divorce. If that's the case she misrepresented herself or she has changed since then to form her current beliefs 
We have the right to our own opinions/beliefs/feelings but not our own facts. And infidelity/cheating is done with another person not with video, pics or literature no matter how you "feel" about it. That would make fantasizing about other women equal to infidelity too. As well as masturbation because that's cheating on you wife with your hand. You can take that to court
On a different note I found your link very interesting. Thank you for that. The science there sounds very convincing.

I still love this woman and would be willing to change but I believe that i shouldn't have to. That would make our love conditional and not real IMO


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## ImSoLoveTorn (Jul 26, 2013)

@EleGirl 
FYI most porn is high quality HD 720 pi or better nowadays. Of-course, I married the wrong woman, there's no way she married the wrong man, right? She was fine with the idea of it when I mentioned it but she had not seen it. After seeing exactly what I was talking about and comparing herself to it she said herself she can't compete with that. Ive never ever compared her to porn or the women in it or wanted her to compete with it. 
As for presenting myself please, she is an ex-stripper, had a kid when she was 17 and has done so much more crazy stuff than I have in my life. I never judged her for any of that but I did assume that porn would not be an issue and never ever grounds for divorce. If that's the case she misrepresented herself or she has changed since then to form her current beliefs 
We have the right to our own opinions/beliefs/feelings but not our own facts. And infidelity/cheating is done with another person not with video, pics or literature no matter how you "feel" about it. That would make fantasizing about other women equal to infidelity too. As well as masturbation because that's cheating on you wife with your hand. You can take that to court
On a different note, I found your link very interesting. Thank you for that. The science there sounds very convincing.

@everyone
I still love this woman and I'm open to change but I believe that I shouldn't have to. That would make our love conditional and not real IMO. I am doing SA thing and will evaluate my happiness in the marriage as time progresses without using P and decide whether I want to stay or not.


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## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

I call shenanigans on this post and the OP.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yeah. I wondered the same thing, and have deleted my post.


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## UndecidedinATX (Jul 29, 2013)

You contradict yourself. You are open to change, but don't believe you should have to. That means you aren't open. I was fine with a little Porn here and there in our dating relationship, until I discovered the depths of pain and suffering it would bring to our marriage. 

My husband is a porn addict and attends SA, because he got to the point where he chose porn over me. It is a complete deal breaker for me for him to watch it. I wouldn't consider myself prude in any sense. But to me, having him choose porn over an intimate relationship with me, and s*x with me, was as bad as being cheated on. It struck me to my core. It broke me, and our marriage.

So, is porn more important to you than your wife? If the answer is yes, that's fine for you, but you need to be okay with her leaving.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

if truly the kinkier stuff is what you feel a need for then compromise with her. She was a stripper for crying out loud. So lets be real here. She can do some fantasy stuff and it should not be a big deal. You should be able to give up porn if she is willing to meet you in the middle as far as actually meeting your needs. You need to stop hurting her though and lying to her and hiding makes you out to be the bad person. She says she does not like watching porn, does not like you watching porn, does not want to do kinky stuff, does not want to give you more sex (is what I am hearing from your thread), this is a large list of things that essentially are controlling your sex life and not meeting your needs. If she wants you to change to meet hers then she needs to do the same thing IMO. 
Yes it sucks that this was all learned post marriage, to throw away an otherwise good marriage over porn is ridiculous and immature. It is also ridiculous and immature to continue to hurt your wife and lie to her. Why is she so against trying some new things in bed? I mean is it is sex after all, what's the harm in trying some new things to spice it up?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Pornography is a progressive addiction. You seem to already know that by your mentioning how it has led you to more and more kinkier interests and fetishes. What gets you off today can't get you off next year, and that cycle repeats itself over and over again. I similarly found myself addicted to porn a few years ago, and responded much the same way you did. It was a personal interest, it didn't have any impact on the love I had for my wife/family, I wasn't wasting resources on it (like drugs/alcohol/gambling does) and generally equated it to being no different than a hobby like playing video games, quilting, etc. My wife was hurt knowing I was using it with regularity, and I didn't even really try to hide it much. I felt that it was something she needed to get over, or accept that it's something men enjoy that most women just can't appreciate in the same way. I wasn't mean about it by any stretch, and tried to lovingly explain my position.

The reality is that I was dead wrong, I was essentially an *******, and I didn't have any clue how much my habit was hurting her, let alone my responses to her pain, even when she was doing her best to share that with me. For starters, porn DOES influence how you view/treat your wife. Getting your rocks off via porn/masturbation WILL cause you to pursue your wife less vigorously. Knowing you are using porn WILL harm your wife's self esteem, self image, and eventually "fall out of love" with you, as she won't be able to look at you without wondering if it was only hours ago you were staring at other women, or fantasizing about hardcore acts that she just isn't comfortable doing, how long it'll be before you cheat on her to find someone willing to do those things, and question how much you actually care about her at all if you are willing to let her suffer like this.

Then there is how you have responded to it. The way you have handled it is akin to how a drug addict, alcoholic, wife beater or serial gambler would. Trying to explain to the person your addiction hurts most that she just needs to learn to deal with it, that it isn't a big deal, that if she really loves you she would find a way to accept the pain/abuse, and worst of all, that her pain/grief/suffering simply isn't important to you.

But wait, you've already said that her feelings ARE very important to you, right? That you love her very much right? That you are open to change right?

I mean, you have to see the hypocrisy in what you are saying here right? The message you have delivered is, "Your pain/grief/suffering just isn't as important to me as my addiction is." And "I love my porn more than I love you." And "Yes I'm open to change, but you just aren't worth it."


Very concerning to me was your line here: "I still love this woman and would be willing to change but I believe that i shouldn't have to. That would make our love conditional and not real IMO."

You are saying here, "She isn't worth it to me to change. However, she should love me and my addiction unconditionally. She should be the one to change [no reason given for this expectation], to learn to box up all of her feelings of rejection, deception, distrust and broken heart. She should just accept that my porn is more important to me than she is, that I'm comfortable with her living in pain, but I still love her [somehow?]. Also, sex 1-2 times a week isn't enough, she should put out more."

She owes it to you to change her entire emotional/relational being for you, but you apparently owe her nothing but a few cover-up stories?


To clarify, I'm not just trying to piss all over your post and call you an *******. I mean, you are definitely being an ******* to your wife right now, that much is certain, just as I was an ******* to my wife. But you came here for advice, not insults. I just see a lot of my old behaviors/attitude in your story and I want to offer you a wake-up call. Better to get a wake-up call here, than discovering your long suffering wife in an affair and leaving you because of your addiction, like what happened to me. I totally believe that you love your wife, just as I loved mine. But so do drug addicts, heavy gamblers, alcoholics and even wife beaters. Your actions indicate that your addiction is more important, and I have to believe that this isn't the message you want to be sending to her. I don't think you WANT to be an *******. I think you have to really sit down and think about how much you value this marriage, and really any marriage going forward, as there aren't a lot of women out there who would be 100% comfortable with this addiction. It comes down to a choice, your wife or your porn. If you don't make the choice yourself, I promise you that she will make it herself eventually.

Then you have to accept that every hurt she expresses to you, every feeling she shares with you is both TRUTH and immensely VALUABLE. You can't respond to her feelings with logic, or try to debate them with her, or convince her that they are unfair/unwarranted/unreasonable/etc. If she feels sad, she feels sad! If she feels happy, she feels happy! By trying to out-logic her, you'll leave her feeling unloved and unimportant. This information is VALUABLE because they are your clues that what you are doing is HARMING your wife. Her feelings are not unreasonable and shouldn't surprise you.

And dude, believe me, I know it's not easy. I know what it's like to go a few weeks without and the urges to go back. How you can convince yourself that it's not a big deal, or it doesn't hurt anyone. Lol, I used to find myself negotiating with myself, like, "Well, I'll only read a few stories, and nothing too hardcore. At least I'm not looking at other women!" or "If I just watch plain old vanilla sex clips, it'll be ok." or anything in between, lol. I'm not wanting to make this out to be no big deal. You wouldn't tell an alcoholic or a coked up druggie unconscious in an alley, "Geez, just stop drinking and doing coke already. It's not a big deal." 

So I KNOW how difficult it is. I would look into local groups that could provide help or support for you. Install accountability or blocking software on all of your internet connected devices, and find a trusted friend to be your accountability partner. I have an accountability partner, and I have software installed on my laptop, my android phone, and my tablet. Since my PS3, Xbox 360 and PS Vita can all get online with browsers, my wife knows that if she ever see's a blank browser history, then I have cleared it intentionally. It is VERY hard if not impossible to do it yourself, so the software has helped me immensely in that I know there will be repercussions if I slip up.


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