# What a mess



## Scoop (Dec 14, 2017)

Hello everyone,

To get right to it, early into our marriage my wife exhibited extremely controlling behavior. Checking my phone regularly, going through call logs/texts/email/browser history. The week after our marriage she found that I had visited a pornographic website while at work. When confronted in a passive aggressive manner, given rope to hang myself, I did just that. I attempted to play it off and dismiss this. The next week my wife had gone through my phone again and commented on my conversation with a friend at the time Tara, whom I had known at the time for about 4-5 years. She spent a few days tossing into conversations with her parents (who we lived with at the time until we found our own place) about how partners having friends of the opposite sex is harmful for a marriage, again being passive aggressive on the topic. I can't remember exactly when, but not long after this she made the request/demand that I remove Tara from my life. I did just that. During this time our evenings were filled with bickering after I put my son to bed, or after she put him to bed. My routine was to make the 2.5hr drive home spend time with Connor (my son) before he went to bed I'd then eat dinner spend time on the porch smoking cigarettes and drinking a couple beers with my father in law. My wife would then wait for me to be ready to lay down for bed before confronting me on any topic, which began to become overly repetitive concerning Tara (who at this time was no longer in contact with me nor I with her) and my having viewed pornography and not being honest about it when confronted. Small spats became, rather quickly, into a routine of what I would describe as tantrums to which her parents told me regularly that I was the most patient man they had ever met, I remember laughing at her mom one night and telling her 'Your daughter is worth it.'

After two months of daily bickering over the same topics over and over and over again, unexpectedly Tara sent me an email asking how I was doing/how my son was/how my wife was. I confided in her that things were not going well, I am very good at putting up a strong front with most people but when given the chance to confide in someone I took the opportunity and told her of my frustrations in my marriage, remember saying once 'for f*ck sake, we're still in our honeymoon' it had gotten very difficult for me to the point I didn't look forward going home. At this time I was working in an office overseeing safety compliance with a drilling contractor hours from home needless to say I had a lot of free time on my way home and on my way to work. Quickly I began to take advantage of this time to fall back into my friendship with Tara, which unexpectedly took a dramatic turn a couple weeks after us picking back up communication. I am not proud of what I did but in being that I am writing this in order to give people a full idea of my marriage thus far I have to admit that over a weeks time I received and sent sexual pictures to Tara. The total number sent/received were in total 5-6 pictures. We had a brief fantasy fling. The following week while in bed my wife had taken my phone while I slept, which was par for the course, and discovered the messages.

That night was one of the most difficult and painful moments of my life, the amount of hurt and pain I saw in my wife still haunts me to this day.

Two years later I had another brief amount of contact with Tara where she apologized for how things had transpired and simply asked how things were between my wife and I, like a fool I began sending email with her with no context of a relationship simply 'hi how are you' content.
My wife learned of this and roughly two months later began a similar relationship with two men over her phone sending sexual photographs, as to the content of written or spoken word I am unsure as all of her phone had been regularly wiped. I discovered her transgressions after a period where she became exceedingly possessive and just acted odd concerning her phone. I had to use a bit of IT skill to go into deleted content to find the photographs she had sent and was able to ascertain the telephone numbers which I was able to get names of these two men. When confronted she attempted to deny everything until I exposed to her the evidence I had. That day is the second most painful day of my life. The look on her face when she told me that 'It is your fault' was full of anger and pain, I wish I could say that during this time I was a patient man as I had been. Over the two years I had become much more callous and quick to anger.

Last November our roommate told me that my wife was having an affair with a man over her computer game Warcraft. He showed me evidence of her messages to him, such as, asking if it would be a bad idea to add this man to her facebook as her boyfriend simply because I do not use facebook and none of my family is on her facebook. I left my wife and went to stay with family, after a month I returned home and am now typing this.

9 days ago my wife sat down and opened herself to me and requested a separation, longer than the time I had been gone. With no certain time frame, just until she knew wether or not this is what she wanted. Immediately I had to ask her if there was something she was hiding from me, as the weeks leading to this I noticed similar behaviors from when she had been unfaithful before. She was defensive and quick to anger, we fought for nearly a week straight. 3-4 days ago I saw this message on her computer screen 'you'll get it baby'
I immediately made note of the name attatched demanded she confront this person. She sent what seemed to me a staged message of denying knowing this person and they responded with a similarly staged message along the lines of 'wrong person' I then went to my computer using the name located the individual and began private communication with him.
It was the man whom she had supposedly had an affair with last November. While exchanging messages with him my wife stood by my side and denied over and over that it was him until finally she could no longer deny anything to me.

We argued and fought an entire day and after work on the second day I came home and she told me that she told him she would no longer be in contact with him, I felt at ease and can say that was the best day I had in what seemed like ages. The very next day when I came home my wife proceeded to tell me that she wanted to call off the separation because she saw how hard it was going to be for me to get the money together to get my own place by the end of the month, but that I HAD to accept that she would remain friends with this man because as she steadfastly claims that he is just a friend and has never had any sexual contact/communication with him. After she talked to me I told her that no, I did indeed want the separation as it would be healthy for us and give us a time to work on our own issues but made sure to drive home the point that a chief reason for me was that she demanded that I accept this 'friendship' of hers. I am not ok with this, and do not have to accept anything of the sort. Hell, when signing up for this website I changed the password on my email, it is linked to her phone yet as is all my other email accounts where as to this day I have never had access to any of her emails or game accounts etc. I didn't want her to see any of my posts or potentially conversations here as I feel that during this time I need to focus more on myself than us as a whole. I have a lot of work to do in order to be a better man not just for her but for myself. Any way, as soon as my email was changed she began to 'pull a steve' and began tauntingly asking what I was hiding who I was talking to, repeating herself. It was very frustrating and ended up with her telling me she would have me out of her house tomorrow. I understand that anyone reading this will more than likely say something along the lines of 'what in the ever living hell are you two still together for' at this point I'm asking myself that. I feel crushed/defeated. Yesterday and today had been good days for me, I've been focusing on small things I could change right now about how I am towards her, attempted to have a simple conversation earlier today have nearly stopped playing any of my computer games and haven't watched any youtube videos, my time sinks are going away in order to be a more attentive person to others. Later I will engage with these hobbies again just in a more moderate amount, for now though I am going cold turkey in order to shock a change into my routine. I guess what I am looking for in writing this is for some advice on letting someone go, I will more than likely be filing a divorce during this separation period after I get my apartment, sadly I do not see any change in this woman and it is killing me by the second. We've both become different people and as I sit here I want nothing more than to go to her and beg her to just let go and take a step with me towards making this better for us as individuals and as a couple.

In short, what a mess.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Is Tara single? 

Seriously just move on, your wife has real issues and is not a good candidate to be married to. Let her crash and burn out, but don't let her take you any further with her.


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## Scoop (Dec 14, 2017)

That question made me laugh, no Tara is married herself. She was having her own issues during the time of our affair and even went so far as to apologize to me for using me.

As I said, I will more than likely be filing a divorce once I'm on my feet in my own place. This is my first marriage and I am struggling with the thought that this has all been a mistake, waste of time energy love.

Thank you for your response.

Edit* I am among that classification of individuals sadly, but yes projected feelings/emotions has been an ever present issue over these 3 years.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Scoop said:


> That question made me laugh, no Tara is married herself. She was having her own issues during the time of our affair and even went so far as to apologize to me for using me.
> 
> As I said, I will more than likely be filing a divorce once I'm on my feet in my own place. This is my first marriage and I am struggling with the thought that this has all been a mistake, waste of time energy love.
> 
> ...


_Edit* I moved this around because I updated after you responded. 
_
Cheaters project their cheating on you, she has probably been cheating the whole time which is why she is so jelous and controlling and frankly they just suck. Get away from this toxic person.

You will see in about 6 months you will start to realize how awful she was making your life. Eventually you will be happy to be rid of her, by that time she will be pining away for you. But still in contact with this other guy. Seriously dude life is way too short don't waste it on this women. 

You are now going to get like 20 more post that say the same thing. All of us say the same thing because we have read this story 100 times before. They are all the same. Some people will tell you they have the exact same story and they are so happy they moved on.

Instead of trying to get her back or crying over her work really hard to get over her and get stronger for the next relationship. That is really the way out of the trap you are in. If not you are going to be stuck her for years and never really happy.

You blew up the marriage the moment you cheated by the way. Don't do that the next time. This is partly your fault. But she should know better too. If you really want to stay together tell her parents.


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## Scoop (Dec 14, 2017)

Since telling her that no, indeed I wanted to move forward with the separation I have felt a lot better about the situation as a whole. I have one side question, it is petty, but I want nothing more than to completely destroy her online life in Warcraft, which I'm more than capable of. I've rationalized the thought that it would, in the long run help her, and in the short term make me feel pretty good for just sticking it to her and this guy right after I leave. Don't be so low? Your thoughts


And yes, I am very very aware that my initial infidelity causedso much damage to our marriage. The entirety of the situation I find myself in today is exactly 50% my fault.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So basically you are upset with your wife for doing what you did yourself. You made a very poor decision twice by going back to this woman when you knew how much trouble it had caused and how upset you wife was the first time. I think she more or less gave up then, lost her trust in you and went looking for love elsewhere, who can blame her, after all your lies and deception? 

How about you both go and get some good long term marriage counselling, if only for your child's sake.


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## Scoop (Dec 14, 2017)

Thank you for your response Diana,

I think what I'm most upset with is that not only has she done what I myself did, with two men, but then again going to another man us separating and a year later being in the position with him in her life again. 

So not exactly upset with her for doing what I did, i'm upset with the repetition of the behavior concerning this new guy not the two men from her initial betrayal.

My son lives with his mother now, our relationship had gotten to a point where I no longer wanted him to be around my wife and I.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Yeah it's a mess but to be fair no matter how controlling you feel your wife was, you did end up sending "sexual pictures" to Tara first and had a "fantasy fling" with her. Maybe your wife sensed something about you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Scoop said:


> Thank you for your response Diana,
> 
> I think what I'm most upset with is that not only has she done what I myself did, with two men, but then again going to another man us separating and a year later being in the position with him in her life again.
> 
> ...


My bet is that your marriage was over for your wife a long time ago...like when she found out that you had an affair with Tara. Sometimes, a betrayed spouse (BS) suffers a kind of emotional break that leads them to want to even the score. I've had that feeling in the past so I understand it. It's like there is a voice in the BS's ear telling them if they just even the score they will feel better, the horrible pain will go away. The problem with it is that it does not work. It usually makes the BS feel worse, often leading to even more bad behavior.

I never followed through with what that voice was telling me... but believe me it was hard to resist. 

Your marriage is a broken mess now. I doubt that there is anyway to fix this.

So how do you work on separating emotionally? Look at the 180 link in my signature block below. From here on out, interact with your wife that way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And, by the way, you seem to think that there is something wrong with your wife for her being upset about you having secrets... like changing your password so you can post here.

Just like she had every right to be upset about your friendship with Tara from the very start, she has a right to expect transparency from you. There should be no secrets in marriage. 

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Also, before you get into another relationship, there are a couple of books that you ought to read: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".

You clearly have no idea what a good marriage looks like. Learn so that you prevent yet another relationship on the rocks.


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## Scoop (Dec 14, 2017)

Thanks for your reply

I'd like you to cite where that is the case, please take all the time in the world and show me where I wrote that or implied it at all.
When you are unable to i'd like to then read, again what I wrote. And to say that my wife had every right to be upset with a friendship is lunacy to me, so to you I guess a good marriage looks like one where partners have no friends/social life outside of their partner? I could be going a bit far but to say 'every right to be upset about your friendship' indicates to me that later when you say I have no idea what a good marriage looks like, that to you a good marriage is one void of friendships. I haven't tried to be coy or hide anything I've done in my marriage here there isn't any point to lie to strangers. But I am not going to take advice from people who think that marriages survive based on giving up everyone you know in order to end up 3 years later alone with my current daily life. 

I could be wrong in my assertions here, but again please show me where I've shown that i'm upset with my wife for me lying/hiding/cheating. And to make this abundandtly clear, when she started her **** with me last night when I was signing up here she could have gotten off her ass and walked across the room to see what I was doing, I'm not hiding anything here she could easily log onto this pc while i'm at work today and go through browser history. I've spent far too long with my wife having 100% control over every aspect of my life down to my personal communication with family, and if you are saying that every wife should be like mine in regards to every aspect of their spouses life then I simply can't agree with you on that being healthy let alone a 'good marriage'

Also, I clearly do know exactly what a good marriage looks like. My parents were happily married for 29 years before my mom passed away, their marriage wasn't some snipping bs from movies, but it was the best relationship I've ever seen between two people in all my years. Instead of making assumptions and claims without evidence, why not read what I've written ask questions and then once armed with enough information, then, make up your mind. It's amazing so far the small pool of responses goes like this: men- you both have issues women-it's your fault
I'm off to work and hope anyone reading this has a delightful day.


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## FUTRISBRITE (Nov 6, 2017)

Hi Scoop-

I believe what the women on here are trying to convey, is that once you're married, all aspects of life are shared with your spouse. You should have been open with your wife regarding emails and passwords, and vice versa. By not providing her with that information, you're naturally leading her to be suspicious of why that would be. I think the missing piece here is that you never clearly stated if your wife kept her passwords and accounts secret as well? If so, that is a double standard and she is equally in the wrong.

As far as her concerns and demands regarding your "friendship" with Tara, you validated every single one of those fears abd accusations when you began your sexting affair. Your wife appears to have been picking up on your attraction to your friend, and was justifiable in her unhappiness regarding your involvement with her. This wasn't just a friendship, it was a mutual attraction. You can't label someone as irrational and controlling, when you did EXACTLY what they were accusing you of. There's nothing that says you can't be friends with the opposite sex. I just think she was more aware of your connection with Tara, before you were. I also suspect there was some other tensions in the marriage besides this friendship, that had your wife's attenae up and was the incentive for you to engage in that activity.

As far as your marriage, you are both now at a point where there is zero trust. If you continue in the marriage, you will both just continue to find ways to hurt each other. The recommendations to divorce are probably the best advice you'll find, and I hope you'll learn from this experience for any future relationships that you may have. I truly hope you can move forward in a positive direction, and your willingness to admit your part in this failed marriage is definitely a good sign!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here is what I saw at the beginning. The beginning of your Tale of Woe.

Your wife could read the future. She knew from some source that infidelity would arise.
Arise from you, your specter., from your sector. And from some projection that she likely employed from dark reaches in her own psyche.

She knew it was coming and awaited its appearance. She nervously waited, found the name and it was Tara.
Tara did her due, her role in the play. She too was a pawn in the destruction of a marriage doomed from the start.
Tara was at the right spot at the right time frame. To interact with you.

Prior to the fall, your wife, in her frenzied anger and fear, she put you in the taxi that drove you to her prophesied conclusion.
She drove you to Tara. Oh no, you did not resist, uh, uh.

This whole scenario was pre-planned and executed according to cue.
And took three lives, You, your BW, and Tara, on an adventure in blue.

There are other minor actors in this play, unmentioned but not forgotten by me.

Just Sayin'

SCM-
from the Collective Consciousness.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Scoop said:


> And to say that my wife had every right to be upset with a friendship is lunacy to me, so to you I guess a good marriage looks like one where partners have no friends/social life outside of their partner?


Look, no matter how you characterize your wife's behavior and your relationship with Tara before your online tryst, after it you basically validated her entire position. Now you don't seem to want own that. There are many married people including myself who don't have friends (meaning people we have one on one engagements with) of the opposite sex. It's a perfectly valid position. Not everyone has to have those same rules, but apparently you needed them.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Scoop, your affair was wrong. Your wife's earlier affair was wrong. Her present affair is wrong. Her demand that she wants to stay 'friends' with Steve is another insulting wrong. Her threat to have removed from the house is scary and on its face illegal - start carrying a VAR - is a really ugly wrong. 

Skip the separation. Just file for divorce. Assuming you both co-own your home tell your wife you are not moving, she wants out she should go move in with Steve. Tell her that and wish her the best.

You need to see an attorney immediately to protect yourself and your assets. Threats to have you removed from your home should never be taken lightly.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I never understand why people who are being cheated on rush out and do the same. I get the revenge thing, etc. but why bother, it seems so desperate and pathetic to me. Let me preface that by saying too that I don't understand even more why people cheat when they are not "happy". I remember H telling me that as his justification for an EA, well I was not happy! Boo hoo, either was I at various times but not once did I go out and try to find someone to make me feel better. 

It is obviously a self esteem thing, look someone else desires me and finds me attractive, well ugly people have affairs too. 

I think it is so undignified to be running around having revenge affairs, etc.


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