# Sexual Anxieties, Pressures & Drought - How to Overcome



## rotten-pie (Jan 7, 2021)

Hi, new here!

I apologize for the wordy post and if this particular topic is something that comes up often. I really wanted to do this post, as it can sometimes be a bit cathartic to talk to others about the challenges of life. I am also legitimately interested in the advice of this community, if I would be so fortunate to receive it.

I am a 31 year old male having sexual intimacy challenges with my wife of 30 years old.

To get straight to the point, we're having the following complications when getting intimate. Here are the top challenges I've observed.

Prior to engaging sexually, I start off feeling very aroused. Often have a full erection. However, as soon as the process begins, which is usually signaled by sensual kissing, my mind will often immediately leave the present moment. It instead is thinking about what happens next. Anxiety sets in. I can feel my palms get sweaty. My erection begins to diminish. Now once that last bit happens, my mind usually falls into a state of despair, which makes it so very difficult to get said erection back.
I've always struggled with PE. There are some odd times where I have actually lasted a surprisingly long (relatively) amount of time, but I usually only last a couple minutes. There had also been embarrassing moments where I work my self up so much that I ejaculate before any penetration, though this is more on the rare side. This contributes greatly to my anxiety however, where I'm constantly worrying about how long I'm going to last.
As you can probably imagine, after dealing with the above for several years, this is wearing down on my wife (she has said so her self) and also builds a lot of pressure for both of us. I noticed lately that when ever we try to engage in sex, which has been happening less, that my wife seems very tense and not as passionate as she usually is. This may be contributing to her wetness being a lot less lately. She used to be very wet even before my fingers journey down there at the start of foreplay, but it hasn't been the same as of late. This unfortunately strikes my anxieties rather hard and can affect my erection. Please know that I don't blame her for this at all.
One additional thing to add to this, when we were talking about these challenges, my wife mentioned she doesn't feel like I am connecting with her as much any more emotionally. That I seem aloof and not emotionally present. She says this is ultimately affecting her sexual desires in a negative way. After some thought, I agree with her 100%. This was a wake-up call for me and I feel like I've made nice improvements here. On the plus side, after making some genuine improvements, my wife has been a lot more flirtatious which I just love and I feel that spark coming back alive! Still more work to be done here though.
So how can I fix this conundrum..

I love this woman and I know she loves me. We want to start a family, but we need to get through this hurdle first. Here are some of my ideas to fix this in the order I think may be most important:

Communication and being present with my wife. Being in the moment with her as much as possible. With all the craziness in life, I've become like a zombie. I feel like I'm taking my wife for granted, and I hate it. I'm making an effort to be more present for her. This I believe will build our intimacy, which ultimately may help me perceive sex less as a "job", but more of a physical expression of our love. It may also help us get that spark back. Of course this isn't all an effort just for better sex, but for an overall healthier and happier relationship.
Approach sex differently. I have an idea of how I'd like to try this and I would love to hear your thoughts. I want to tell my wife that I want to just have some intimate fun with no pressure. No goals. I want to light some candles. I want to put on some music. Have some wine and lay in bed. Talk about what we love so much about each other, and just go from there. Make it less about the physical part of sex and more emotional, if that makes any sense? This I believe will help remove the pressure from sex and overall be a good thing for us.
This one is a bit more shallow than the first two, but having a couple items to add some fun. I picked up a nice massage oil to play with. This also may be completely gross, but I picked up some flavored lube.. It actually got good reviews in regards to the taste, so I thought why not give it a shot. Having it may be useful if any wetness issues. What I dig about this is that the flavor aspect of it makes it more of a fun experiment (which is what I will present it as to my wife), rather than a solution to my wife's wetness, as I don't want to make her feel bad about that..
Quit porn. I've already been working on this. So much more difficult than I thought it would be. I have been using porn since I was VERY young and I do believe it has completely warped how I perceive sex and intimacy.
Meditation. Training my mind to be more attentive to the present moment, rather than drifting off into thoughts, stirring up my anxieties. I'm hoping this mental exercise can train me to stay in-tune with my wife in and out of the bed.
Obviously therapy would be beneficial and I am not opposed to it. I will keep this as an option and discuss it with my wife if things go further downhill.

Anyways, that is my story. Just writing this down feels like its been a huge help to me, but I of course would love to hear what this community thinks. Do you think my above plan is a good way to approach this situation? Do you maybe have any additional ideas I may be overlooking?

Thank you so much for reading.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Welcome to TAM. A lot of support here.

You're way overthinking things. Perhaps give yourself a few encounters that you know going in you'll just get to it and it works out as it does.

Give her an O sans PIV, first, then what happens after for you just happens.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

The whole time I was reading your post, I was waiting for porn to get mentioned. Porn can really mess up guys' conditioning regarding sex. First of all, it creates unrealistic ideas of what sex and women are like. It sounds like you have been viewing porn since adolescent sexuality emerged? That has created habituated neurological pathways in your brain that can be very hard to overcome. Your brain has learned to associate sexual pleasure with porn, not with your wife. Your brain has probably also learned to climax quickly, but only to very particular grip strength and stimulation. You feel aroused at the start of sexual activity with your wife, but then your brain and body don't get the expected stimulus after that, and your reaction subsides.

So yes, my advice would be to start by doing what you need to overcome that porn influence. Stop masturbating to it. Stop watching it. Seek therapy for help if this proves challenging on your own. It's an addiction to overcome, just like tobacco or alcohol or worse. Does your wife know about the porn? Or is she blaming herself for not being desirable enough to you? You're already describing that she's feeling disconnected which is affecting her sexual desire. I wouldn't bring out the lube for a while, as that will only strengthen her wrong impression about the problem. Make sure she understands that the problem is porn, then get her involved in helping you overcome it.

Meanwhile, absolutely you should also be connecting better with your wife. Have intimate nights as you describe where there is physical contact, perhaps even sensuality like a massage, but no pressure for you to have an erection or sexual intercourse. Watch non-pornographic but erotic movies together, the more romantic ones generally marketed towards women. Develop an understanding about how women's sexual desire often starts with romance, not foreplay. Have nights where it is all about you performing oral sex on her, without any expectation that an erection needs to be involved. Just because your penis is currently unreliable doesn't mean your tongue and fingers are out of the action too. Show her that you love her and want her to feel good, and get that intimate connection back. Then, have times where you masturbate in her presence, without porn. Let her help you, if she likes, with some showing off, or manual or oral involvement. Teach yourself to go slowly, and to be aroused by HER. Reform those brain pathways together.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

rotten-pie said:


> Hi, new here!
> 
> I apologize for the wordy post and if this particular topic is something that comes up often. I really wanted to do this post, as it can sometimes be a bit cathartic to talk to others about the challenges of life. I am also legitimately interested in the advice of this community, if I would be so fortunate to receive it.
> 
> ...


Try not to feel that you have to maintain an erection the whole time. While my wives and I are doing foreplay, my erection comes and goes, unless there is direct stimulation being applied there. I am paying attention to their pleasure, and not just to breasts and crotch. My erection really isn't needed until penetration occurs. I also try to work on making sure they have at least one orgasm prior to penetration. Your idea to be more in the moment is good. Of course you'll have to retrain your mind. You've made a habit. Breaking it will be hard. As far as your PE goes, maybe if you know you are going to do things ahead of time, rub one out real quick, or make that part of your overall play. Men are also capable of multiple orgasms, although not with the frequency of women. But if you plan for, say an hour long session, even a half hour. If you have one early on, you should still be able to have another after 10 minutes or so. Use that time to focus on her. And for that matter, there are woman who enjoy BJ's where the man starts flaccid. So you can probably add that twist in.

While I am an advocate for porn use in general, anything in excess is a problem, and porn especially. It's one thing to use it for when she is sick or otherwise can't take care of you. But it really should either be a stop gap measure or a joint learning/idea experience.


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## rotten-pie (Jan 7, 2021)

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post. This is such an important thing to me and knowing this community exists for support means a lot to me.

I do indeed feel like I'm overthinking it and my habit of over-analyzing things in and out of the bed is probably a big root part of my challenge. I know it sounds cheesy, but I gotta get out of my head and into my heart.

In regards to porn usage, I don't find it inherently bad and I think everyone has a different experience with it. Right now, I feel pretty sure its having a negative effect on me, as it had become a bit of an addiction. I have not spoken to my wife about it. I believe that would be the right thing to do, but I struggle with pushing forward with it.

Regarding erections, I think you are absolutely right. I need to understand my penis isn't going to be erect 100% of the time and just because it goes a little flaccid, doesn't mean it won't come back. I should continue to connect and enjoy the moment with my wife instead of worrying about if its going to get hard again. I certainly developed a bad habit of thinking "game over" once I go flaccid and just give up..

Thank you all again for the advice!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to relax buddy. 
Have you tried having a few drinks before having sex?


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## rotten-pie (Jan 7, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> You need to relax buddy.
> Have you tried having a few drinks before having sex?


Haha yeah I know, I'm too uptight..

Yes! Alcohol actually does help me (as long as I don't go overboard). This is why I'd like to bring a bottle of wine or something into the bed room.. We can chat, have some drinks and then go from there.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The whole time I was reading your post, I was waiting for porn to get mentioned.


Yep. Most younger men wouldn't have ED without it from what I can tell.

OP, look up porn addiction, PIED, "death grip".... also, check out what it does to your wife. Even without knowing about your addiction, she feels you comparing her to others and feels "not enough." It's just cruel to put someone in a situation where they can never compete, no matter what they do or how hard they try.

You sound like a decent guy that wants to be a good husband, but IMO, dealing with the porn addiction is where you need to start.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

How often do you watch porn?

Do you guys give and receive oral sex?


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Dude, you're WAY too young to have erection problems. You should be having problems where to put it! LOL


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I like the idea of candles wine and music but the best part is the talking, I think she would love that. 

She may be feeling tense because it may feel like the final straw for her. And I don’t think it’s the penis that’s the problem. As you mention, you don’t open up emotionally and admit you’re taking her for granted - so now she may be feeling really down and probably rejected and I’d say it’s the lack of emotional connection she’s getting from you that’s really making her tense up. 

So for example, she may be feeling like 1. He never opens up to me 2. He takes me for granted. 3. Oh now now he doesn’t feel turned on by me oh noooo he’s just not into me. I may be way off the mark but we had a similar issue and I just felt heartbroken. The porn wasn’t even an issue and I didn’t feel like I was competing, but felt like he was showing me in every way that I was not his type and it made me terrified that one day someone would be that woman who would find his heart and all his ED would be fixed. Again, this may not have any relevance to your own situation, it’s just a female perspective on what she may be feeling right now and it can start to make you both overthink and really stress out and make assumptions of eachother. 

Do you have other good emotional connections or is it part of your nature? It’s really really good that you can at least see all of this in yourself and ask for help. That will be so attractive to her, especially if you’re brave and willing to bring her along and tell her everything you’ve told us.


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