# Should I be ready for marriage?



## Masil78 (Mar 20, 2012)

So here's my story, I'll try to keep it short: I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years. I started dating him right after I graduated from college (I'm about to turn 25 and he'll be 30 in a few months). I have been trying to get a career started, but in this economy it's been really hard. I am struggling a lot financially and I still live with my parents (I know, lame. Please don't judge). My boyfriend is also not doing well financially.

We've had a lot of high and low points in our relationship. When things are good, he's a loving, caring, and faithful person. He doesn't check out other women, he leaves flowers and love notes for me, he compliments me constantly, and he is very supportive. He's basically the guy every girl wants.

But things are bad a lot of the time, too. We get into terrible fights about 3 times per week (usually over either money or me not wanting to move in with him without an income) and they have gotten physical before. It hasn't been anything terrible, and I know many people here will say I shouldn't be with him because of it. 

Another problem is that my mom can't stand him. If he comes to pick me up, she makes him park down the street and I have to walk to meet him. My brother is getting married next fall and I know my mom will throw a fit if I bring him to the wedding. He is saying that I should not go to the wedding if he's not allowed to come and that he will be really angry if I do. Should I really not go to my own brother's wedding? I think that's totally wrong of him to put me in that situation.

He's also really controlling, which bothers me. He monitors my clothing and gets upset if he thinks something is too sexy. He's actually cut up jeans before because he thought they were too tight. He also makes me wear a baseball hat everywhere we go. He says its for "safety" (he lives in a bad neighborhood) but I know he forces me to wear the hat so other men won't look at me. If I say I don't want to wear a hat, he refuses to go out. If I don't wear the clothes he wants me to wear, we also do not go out. I feel like I should be able to choose my own clothing!!

Almost everyday, he reminds me that I'm getting older and I need to think about settling down and having children. Even though my 25th birthday is coming up, I just don't feel like I'm at that point in my life. I have no career yet which is really important to me. 

I also just don't feel ready to be married yet. I'm not sure why. I guess it's because there's so much I want to do. For one, I want to have my own place. I've lived with roommates before, but I've never been fully on my own. I want to know what that's like before getting married and my boyfriend really gets upset when I tell him I want to live in my own place. 

He asks me every single day if I'm ready to move in and then get married and I really don't know what to say. We get into intense conversations about the topic every day that last for hours. He told me I need to decide soon or he will start moving away from me. I care about him, but I know I could not marry someone and have kids when I'm fighting with that person on a weekly basis. When I say "fighting" I don't mean just a small argument. I mean a screaming match. 

Should I be ready for marriage because I am nearing "a quarter of a century old" as my boyfriend says? 

Sorry, I definitely failed at keeping this short...


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Red flags; he's controlling, tries to alienate you from your family, tries to make you dependent on him financially, and has physically attacked you. 

RUN LIKE HELL!!!!

You don't need this in your young life or anytime. Go find someone who will treat you right and respect you. And please don't have kids with this guy.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Sounds like my ex - I'd break it off with him - gingerly. You don't know what he's capable of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I really hope that you will listen to the people on this forum. I fear that you won't and you will marry this guy and it will be the worst mistake of your life. Worse than that you will have kids who will suffer his abuse too. 

He is putting his best face forward right now, before you move in and/or get married. He will get much, much worse after you move in. 

Walk away. Get your mother, friends, family, church...whatever to help you, but you need to walk away.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's a textbook example of an abuser. Marry him and prepare for a lifetime of hell.

Just curious, but why does your mom dislike him so much? What does your father think of him?

And as YinPrincess says, break up with him carefully. You may want to talk to someone familiar with abused women on the best way to do that, like at a shelter. They could give you advice based on your situation easier.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Masil78 (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I don't really have support. I hate to admit this, but I have zero friends. They all ditched me when the drama of my relationship and my negativity about being unemployed got to them. 

My dad and I are just starting to form a relationship. We never got along when I was growing up, just typical teenage stuff. 

My mom hates me. She calls me worthless, makes fun of my college degree because it's in a liberal arts field and tells me that I wasted her money since she helped me pay for college. she is a nasty person, always has been. Even if my boyfriend weren't in the picture, her attitude toward me would not change. She hates him simply because he is biracial. My dad just kind of goes along with it because she will scream at him and carry on if he tries to befriend my boyfriend at all and support me. I know my mom is mentally ill so I try not to let it bother me. And no, I'm not being dramatic. I've only told one or two people about her but they think I'm over reacting and acting immature about it. She's really that bad.

To be fair, I've done things that have hurt my boyfriend's trust in me. I've talked to/flirted with other men behind his back. I havent exactly cheated on him or anything like that, but I still hurt him a great deal. He didn't start acting this way toward me until I treated him badly first. But I have changed and grown as a person a great deal and he won't forgive the past. He brings up things I've done on a weekly basis and criticizes me and says he never would be abusive if I hadn't acted the way I did. That's a HUGE red flag to me.

I am being careful with him for obvious reasons, but also because my whole life is wrapped up in him. I work part-time and he's part owner of the company. I know I'll lose my job if I break up with him. He'll give the company an ultiimatum, him or me, and they'll choose him. It's the only decent job I've been able to get in almost 3 years. 

I'm not happy, but I'm afraid because I will truly be on my own with zero support. Sometimes I feel that any support, even if it is abusive, is better than having no one at all.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Twenty-five?  Ancient, one foot in the grave.

He is trying to pressure you into marriage with cracks like "quarter of a century old", trying to make you feel like if you don't marry him, it's all over.

Twenty-five is not a baby, but you are in the prime of your life, still figuring out who you are and what you're all about. You should be dreaming, traveling, partying, studying, enjoying life and you.

Your mom probably doesn't like him for a reason. Mothers have a way of being irritatingly right about these types of things.

I could make a laundry list of all the red flags here, but others have already done that. The controlling won't get better after marriage...only worse.

There are lots of good men out there. Dump this joker and find one.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop making excuses. YOU did not cause him to behave this way. Dump him, get your life together and then find someone you will be ready for.

You're not ready now. there's NO AGE LIMIT. Don't get married or commit just because you think you should at a certain age. 

I was not ready for marriage until I was 33. best thing I ever did was wait. Had I married some of the bfs I had, I'd be divorced by now.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

"I'm not happy, but I'm afraid because I will truly be on my own with zero support. Sometimes I feel that any support, even if it is abusive, is better than having no one at all."




NO, NO, NO. Abuse is never ok. DON'T settle. Start working on your self-esteem so you don't think you have to settle for someone like this guy. Get involved in an activity you like (there are many outlets that are low-cost or free) and make friends.

I just read what you said about your mom. If so she's not a good source of support, so you need to cultivate others.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Run Forest Run....

If your Mom doesn't like him, it will always be a problem.

I waited 8 years to ask my wife to marry me. I wanted to be sure they would support the marriage. Luckily, the whole family liked me all along. They were more concerned with my well being.LOL Wondering if I can put up with her.

Don't rush into a marriage yet. Try to find some suport/friends out there. It isn't good to be trapped in a relationship ith no way out. If you marry, it will be even harder for you.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

OMG, you should NEVER be ready for marriage to him! Sorry, but he sounds like a controlling and potentially dangerous loon. Break it off carefully.


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## Masil78 (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks for the advice everyone. Yeah he constantly tries to make me feel old saying things like "you're not in college anymore grow up" or "you're a quarter of a century old." The last one is my favorite, he started saying that about four months after I turned 24!

I'm really irriated that I am not allowed to go out to a grocery store alone without him throwing a fit because he thinks I will flirt with men there. I haven't been out alone more than 3 times this year. I have done wrong things in the past, but I am a much better girlfriend and person now. He just won't accept it.

He also gets mad if I even glance at another man. It's gotten so bad that I keep my eyes down when we drive in the car and I don't watch movies with him anymore because he will get super upset if a guy is shirtless on TV in a movie (or even in a tank top). He believes that you should not even look at someone of the opposite sex so he will turn away from the screen and make a big deal out of it if a woman is scantily clad on screen. It makes me feel even more awkward than if he just looked at her. 

Another weird thing is he gets super pissed if I read a book that has sex scenes in it. I finally got around to reading "The Kite Runner" and every day it was "is there any sex in it? You need to tell me if there is sex in that book." Strange, huh? I think it's insecurity. 

I am also incredibly scared he will find out I was on this forum. He will get really, really, upset. 

I haven't talked to anyone about any of my feelings in about a year, so sorry that I am rambling on everyone! It's just all coming out at once. I know your advice won't change, I just need to get this out and I don't have anyone else to talk to. 

To other people that have been in bad relationships--How did you get out? What did you do to stay safe?


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## Masil78 (Mar 20, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> Run Forest Run....
> 
> If your Mom doesn't like him, it will always be a problem.
> 
> ...


My mom won't like anyone I date unless she picks him out herself. I have dated nice men that have done nothing wrong and she hated them, too for several irrational reasons. Her excuse this time was my boyfriend's race. She decided she hated him one week into me knowing him, just like all the others. 

I believe that she is mentally ill, but she refuses to seek help. Several family members have tried to get her to get help but she won't.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Stop making excuses. Do you have any self esteem? If you want a miserable life, get married to this guy and have kids! I could not for one minute allow a man to tell me what I can and cannot do or what to wear. I have been with guys like that. I was happier alone than with that type of guy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

The time you end things is often the most dangerous time, especially when you're dealing with a control freak. You will need to make a clean break. Don't meet him alone. Watch your back. Think about getting some mace or a taser. Don't hesitate to get a restraining order if necessary. Let your family (especially your dad and brothers) know what is going on.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to get away from your mom, too. But she seems like the lessor if the evils right now.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

My advice to you is the following...

1_Get a different job - You work part-time and even if it was full time, there is still time day by day to search and get a different job. 

2_Get away from this guy. For your safety emotionally and physically. 

Become independent.* For you.*

You are getting all the advice you need in this forum. Listen up!


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