# Wife not paying attention to our son.



## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

*The self-absorbed spouse.*

We've been married for just over 5yrs, we have a 3.5 yr old boy.

Lately my wife seems very self absorbed, it's as if she can't be bothered by our son or me wanting to spend time together.
She's been doing this crossfit training program at our gym, she's been doing it for a year but in the last 2-3 months, she's been overly absorbed with it, to the neglect of our marriage, connecting with each other, and as well our son, who's been acting out against her. (not wanting mommy to read him stories, or come in the car to school, not listening to her, etc.)

I've mentioned this to her and she takes it as me smothering her, not wanting her to have independence, I say, you're not independent, you have a 3.5yr old son who needs his mother and a marriage to care for.

She doesn't seem to want to connect with me or our son. When she says "i'm here I'm present" I point out that she sits on the couch and doesn't give him undivided attention, she's on her phone. when she's home, she's not 'PRESENT' if you know what I mean.

I ry to give her space but then she tells me I'm acting weird. Obviously it's difficult to hide that I'm feeling neglected and in a marriage where I feel alone.

She doesn't seem to want to invest any time into our family, but invests tons of time in her crossfit routine, and herself.

anybody else experience this, is it just a phase?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

*Re: The self-absorbed spouse.*

It's not a phase. This board is full of spouses who care more about friends, work, facebook, video games, etc. than their marriage and kids.

It's a trap actually. People (and I've been there) get caught up in other things that are more 'fun' than the actual work of life. I mean lets face it crossfit training is way more fun than being a wife and mother.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: The self-absorbed spouse.*

Are you sure there isn't more than just the crossfit training going on? 



> She's been doing this crossfit training program at our gym, she's been doing it for a year but in the last 2-3 months, she's been overly absorbed with it,
> 
> she's on her phone. when she's home, she's not 'PRESENT' if you know what I mean.


Who is she on the phone with?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

*Re: The self-absorbed spouse.*

I didn't want to go there but I did wonder WHO she's on the phone with and WHO she's training with.


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

*Re: The self-absorbed spouse.*

so nothing has really changed since your first post?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...te-sex-friendships-after-past-infidelity.html


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry to hear about that what neglect! Being constantly on the computer and phone red flag! Do some investigating by keylogging the computer check her phone records and put a VAR in her car and 1 in the house. That is just not normal for a mother geez.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

*Re: The self-absorbed spouse.*



anotherguy said:


> so nothing has really changed since your first post?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...te-sex-friendships-after-past-infidelity.html


Nice catch.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> This story just breaks my heart. Your poor son.
> 
> What I suggest is that you act to resolve this, do not put it on the back burner or rug sweep the situation. Take action.
> 
> ...


This is spot on!:iagree::iagree:


----------



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

My ex is this way and he does CrossFit also. His life revolves around it. He skips soccer games, pawns the kids off on relatives etc for it. Every minute of his life outside of work is CF. it's sad that he doesn't enjoy out beautiful kids who are truly a joy to be around. Honestly I used to get mad, but the kids are better off with the family he's leaving them with than with him.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Don't tell me there is no sex life either right?:banghead::banghead:


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

happysnappy said:


> My ex is this way and he does CrossFit also. His life revolves around it. He skips soccer games, pawns the kids off on relatives etc for it. Every minute of his life outside of work is CF. it's sad that he doesn't enjoy out beautiful kids who are truly a joy to be around. Honestly I used to get mad, but the kids are better off with the family he's leaving them with than with him.


Wow.

You're right, the kids are better off not being around him if that's how he thinks. It's like some kind of addiction.


----------



## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Sorry to hear about that what neglect! Being constantly on the computer and phone red flag! Do some investigating by keylogging the computer check her phone records and put a VAR in her car and 1 in the house. That is just not normal for a mother geez.


yes yes, true


----------



## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

"so nothing has really changed since your first post?"

Actually it has. After we had a talk, she called the other school, cancelled her contract 2 months early, stopped going that day, and began going to the program held at our mutual gym. The guy I was uncomfortable with, she has stopped communicating with, said it wasn't worth the friendship of someone who disrespects her husband, and made me uncomfortable. We then were connecting well and she and I felt good about each other.

"Who is she on the phone with?"

We've got iphones, she's usually on the Facebook app, checking her email, texting with her female friend (thats the mom of our sons school mate) 

I've checked her phone, her emails, etc, haven't found anything that would raise any red flags. she doesn't hide her phone or anything like that. She's just always "connected" to tech and social media.


"WHO she's training with."

It's a class at the gym we go to, I also go to the class a couple times a week, it's group training, just like my group boxing class. 

In my first post, as cited, I was worried about infidelity, but I'm actually not getting that impression anymore, I do think she's looking for something thats "her own" , maybe overwhelmed with work, being a mom and a wife, and is feeling her physical training is something all her own.... but she's being very self absorbed with it, it's all she'll talk about, and everything else going on seems to be a bother because it's not about "her thing".

I think it's more self-absorption than infidelity. she gets obsessed with things, no matter what it is, she seem to make healthy things, unhealthy because she absorbs herself into it.


----------



## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Don't tell me there is no sex life either right?:banghead::banghead:



Sex life alive and well. In fact when we were feeling it was getting routine, we bought some toys and tape and switched things up a bit.


----------



## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

happysnappy said:


> My ex is this way and he does CrossFit also. His life revolves around it. He skips soccer games, pawns the kids off on relatives etc for it. Every minute of his life outside of work is CF. it's sad that he doesn't enjoy out beautiful kids who are truly a joy to be around. Honestly I used to get mad, but the kids are better off with the family he's leaving them with than with him.


It's funny, because I have also been into fitness and I do crossfit too, to a lesser degree because I also do boxing. She was never into fitness, but is absorbed with CF now.

But I'm not always talking about fitness, we were going to the gym together once a week, it was fun, I would train her, and we'd get that time together, but now she doesn't even want to do that and just do CF.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I think it's more self-absorption than infidelity. she gets obsessed with things, no matter what it is, she seem to make healthy things, unhealthy because she absorbs herself into it.


Thats what I was thinking she becomes obsessed when she finds a hobby .

Have you considered she is ADD? I didn't realize this but one symptom is "hyper focus" on things we enjoy or tasks we feel useful productive at.


----------



## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> This story just breaks my heart. Your poor son.
> 
> What I suggest is that you act to resolve this, do not put it on the back burner or rug sweep the situation. Take action.
> 
> ...



Don't get me wrong, she gives him love and hugs and is cute with him, and loves him to death, but it's moments like this, she'll kiss on him and hug him up and then, ok eat your dinner, and I'll be on the computer, or cleaning up. 

but there's never undivided attention for long, she almost NEVER plays with him, no blocks, no puzzles, even sitting watching a cartoon with him she doesn't watch with him, she'll be on her phone. 

she good with tasks, making dinner, making breakfast, but parenting, BEING THERE, asking him about his day etc, nada.


----------



## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

talk with her to pay more attention to your son ... she should know how to be a good mother


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Hall33 said:


> ...I think it's more self-absorption than infidelity. she gets obsessed with things, no matter what it is, she seem to make healthy things, unhealthy because she absorbs herself into it.


OK, I'll take your word for it.

I might encourage her to throw herself into it, but NOT at the expense of her family. Sorry - put the effing phone down. Fitness is good, hobbies are good, ignoring you child in the room to check facebook? Sorry - not so much.

Now - I get the vibe your needy. I might be totally wrong here - but if you agree have that in the back of your mind when talking.

I would just sit her down and remind her that she has a 3.5 year old son and she is going to suddenly (oh so suddenly!) look up and he is going to be 10. These years are critically important and it requires, demands, her full attention diring the few hours you actually ARE together as a family. Dont play the blame card for your sons outbursts because frankly that belongs to both of you - no doubt about it. If she wants time alone with him thats fine to - then you get out of the house and do something else. She should be engaged in his life.

How much time, exactly is she spending on this little hobby?

The more I think about this - the more I think I would get out in front of this little disaster train with gusto - but I feel like I dont really understand your situation well enough... like there is a lot here that is being left unsaid.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hall33 said:


> Don't get me wrong, she gives him love and hugs and is cute with him, and loves him to death, but it's moments like this, she'll kiss on him and hug him up and then, ok eat your dinner, and I'll be on the computer, or cleaning up.
> 
> but there's never undivided attention for long, she almost NEVER plays with him, no blocks, no puzzles, even sitting watching a cartoon with him she doesn't watch with him, she'll be on her phone.
> 
> she good with tasks, making dinner, making breakfast, but parenting, BEING THERE, asking him about his day etc, nada.


Unfortunately, not all mothers are involved in the lives of their child/children. If that's a recent thing, then she's probably focusing on something else. If it's not, then that may be just the way she is (and whether she's willing to put in the effort to correct it is something you will only find out if you discuss it with her --- if you already have, I apologize for having missed it).


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Unfortunately, not all mothers are involved in the lives of their child/children. If that's a recent thing, then she's probably focusing on something else. If it's not, then that may be just the way she is (and whether she's willing to put in the effort to correct it is something you will only find out if you discuss it with her --- if you already have, I apologize for having missed it).



Yep...its not "hardwired" for mommies to LOVE doing puzzles and thrilled to play patty cake..

I would wonder how her mother nurtured her to get more of an idea how she is "programmed" to mother.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

In a more general sense I have wondered.Since when in history is it "natural" that the mother (or the father) are there children's "playmates"?I'm not talking about teaching them things or spending "quality time"..But I have noticed a "shift" from how I grew up (I was born in the late 60's)..and today.Where the adults are "expected" to be playing (litterally) with the children and if they aren't the children are being damaged.When I was little of course I was second and I had my brother to play with then later 2 little sisters..My parents didn't "play" with us..We played with our toys and each other..Of course they would take us places .I dont know maybe we were little scavengers but we ran around in the yard and the neighborhood..Went to school and did our work..Mama would "make us" help her pull weeds and stuff but I didn't look to my mother or father for them to entertain me..


----------



## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Thats what I was thinking she becomes obsessed when she finds a hobby .
> 
> Have you considered she is ADD? I didn't realize this but one symptom is "hyper focus" on things we enjoy or tasks we feel useful productive at.




As a matter of fact, yes, we have been thinking that, she's going to a Dr about it soon. I am ADD, but it manifests in a different way, I'll hyperfocus on subjects, like I'll spend weeks reading biology books, things like that.

She gets fixated


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Crossfit can become very addicting. Just like any other addictions or healthy obsessions, they are a problem when they intefere with daily living & relationships. You have to be strong & face this head on. She may be in deep denial. The first step is getting her to admit she has a problem. If she refuses, there is not much you can do but live with it or decide if you cannot.


----------



## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> OK, I'll take your word for it.
> 
> I might encourage her to throw herself into it, but NOT at the expense of her family. Sorry - put the effing phone down. Fitness is good, hobbies are good, ignoring you child in the room to check facebook? Sorry - not so much.
> 
> ...




I'm actually not a needy guy, in fact if you ask all my ex-gfs, not paying enough attention or giving enough effection was an issue for them. But I don't deny I could sometimes comes across that way to my wife if I'm feeling neglected somehow.

She gets up 4days a week at 5:30am to go to a 6am class, then one weekend mid-morning when we go together. But she goes to bed at 9:30 because she gets up so early, sons in bed at 8:30 so little time to spend together.

I think she's been coming around the last couple days, I was going to take our son to gymnastics alone and now she wants to go too, so thats a plus.


----------

