# Found you spouce on AM - what would you do



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Saw this question on another site.

Answers kind of surprised me.

What was being suggested was to communicate and investigate.

Find out why the were on that site.

For me, I would do a real quick investigation (validate that my SO e-mail hadn't been stolen and someone set up an AM account with her e-mail). 

If it was determined to be hers, I would be gone.

No communication, no fixing, no arguing.

Just lawyer up and go for D.

Anyone else?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I would like to say simply divorce....but I'm just not that kind of guy...

I would work the situation...set-up a meeting....get her all excited...

She'd get to the room all worked up, looking forward to whatever....

then she would get served

I would probably film it too...Try to find an Allen Funt look-a-like to say "Sorry...this is NOT Candid Camera"


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

I'll tell you about my experience.

The interesting thing about AM is that they don't verify email addresses. That means, you can sign up with any address in the world, and unlike any other site in existence, they don't send a link to said address and have you click it in order to confirm that you have access. So I suspect there are many fake signups. If you've seen the data, you will see that an awful lot of accounts have nothing set up for them.. could be these fake signups or people who signed up to look up their spouses.

The other interesting thing in my experience is that the cheaters who were actively using it were smart enough to sign up with email addresses that they used only for AM (and sometimes used one hidden email for the account and another to communicate).

So, all that said, I wouldn't consider someone's real email in there to be a smoking gun. But I'd definitely recommend closing one's mouth and opening one's eyes for awhile.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I was going to bring up @truster

What a story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I got my hands on some of the dumps from a few months ago, and let me tell you...

WOW.

Out of curiosity, I searched for any email addresses belonging to my employer's domain... and found a couple. Also found a couple of addresses from one of our primary software vendor's domain.

Who in his or her right mind would use an employer-issued email address for something like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I got my hands on some of the dumps from a few months ago, and let me tell you...
> 
> WOW.
> 
> ...


I did the same thing and found one employee who had signed up using their work email address. He no longer works here, but not for that reason.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I got my hands on some of the dumps from a few months ago, and let me tell you...
> 
> WOW.
> 
> ...


Cheaters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

I can tell you what I did when I found my ex-husband on AdultFriendFinder.com - he had fallen asleep watching porn on his laptop (no biggie), but the AFF site was open as well, so I snooped. Turned out he had been a member for over a year & had several messages offering to give women a ride on his Harley. That was all the evidence I needed. It didn't matter to me whether he had actually cheated, the fact that he was looking was enough for me (we had other issues we'd been going to counseling for). I filed for divorce the next day & never looked back.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Good for you, @hotshotdot.

Oh, and I hope you got the Harley in the divorce.

:smthumbup:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I have been helping out folks on infidelity sites for awhile now and tried to help by tracking down a WW on there a few years back, so my name is out there but I can honestly say I never considered using it for its intended purposes. So it can happen.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Some things to keep in mind.

The vast, vast, VAST majority of male users on AM never even really talked to a woman. It was either a bot, a man pretending to be a woman, or they got no response at all.

Anyone could sign anyone into the site and use that email address. I talked to a guy that thought it was funny to use other people's email addresses to create accounts on AM after the breach was announced. What an a-hole. But, it happens.

Where I landed for myself is that if I found my spouse's email address there is that I would probably shut my pie hole and go full on Magnum PI. And if I found anything, try to chill out about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I got my hands on some of the dumps from a few months ago, and let me tell you...
> 
> WOW.
> 
> ...


A colleague with a grudge?:scratchhead:

Just imagine if Bill or Sandra in accounts started getting emails from potential APs?

Some people have very juvenile senses of humour.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I would show her the account and ask her what's going on. I don't want to play games or hire a PI. Show me all messages right now or we divorce. End of story.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I got my hands on some of the dumps from a few months ago, and let me tell you...
> 
> WOW.
> 
> ...


Cheaters aren't smart. Which is why they get caught.

Smart cheaters (and there are some) aren't caught at all.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

marduk said:


> Anyone could sign anyone into the site and use that email address. I talked to a guy that thought it was funny to use other people's email addresses to create accounts on AM after the breach was announced. What an a-hole. But, it happens


It would have been difficult for me to not haul off and knock the sh!t out of him for that. What a POS.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

opuss said:


> You know it's really easy to say that while you're sitting there comfortable in your armchair with your supposedly loyal and faithful spouse by your side.
> 
> It's like the guy who second guesses the losing quarterback in the Super Bowl and says "I would have done it differently"
> 
> Its easy to talk tough but when it happens you'd be like a deer in the headlights.



I dated a woman many moons ago. We were serious (I believe exclusive would be today's lingo).

One day she told me she was going to go visit a close guy friend of hers and stay the week end at his house.

I said cool. Told her I would never control her and she's free to do as she pleases. However, I won't be with someone that acts like that and values me so little.
Packed my stuff up and left.
Never looked back.
No one I'm with (exclusively) does that to me. No one shmidt tests me either. I won't allow people to treat me like that.

So yes - it is that easy to talk tough. It's also just as easy to walk the walk. 

When you look in to the abyss, remember, sometimes I'm in there and I will look back at you.

Now there's some tough talk!


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

By AM do you mean ****** ******* or sites like that ?


I will never go so far because if I ever find those words in my browsing history that would be the end of our relationship. No stories like it wasnt me,I was curious and I am sorry bla bla

oh man you cant type Ash..ley Mad..ison NICE


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

You find your spouse on a site like AM, then the most logical and sensible thing to do is ask them about it -- before you do anything else. If you can't talk to your spouse, then it's likely that is part of their problem to begin with. I think it is absolute BS when the first response is to turn into a private eye and try to turn up evidence. That is just as bad as the cheating.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> You find your spouse on a site like AM, then the most logical and sensible thing to do is ask them about it -- before you do anything else. If you can't talk to your spouse, then it's likely that is part of their problem to begin with. *I think it is absolute BS when the first response is to turn into a private eye and try to turn up evidence. That is just as bad as the cheating.*


Not if you live in a state that is an at fault state where it could matter in divorce.
seeing how far the "rabbit hole" goes to try and protect oneself is not a bad thing.
protecting oneself from an STD that a Wayward spouse could give you is certainly a plus too.

and NO snooping when you have evidence your spouse is on AM is not as bad as cheating.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Be smart said:


> By AM do you mean ****** ******* or sites like that ?
> 
> 
> I will never go so far because if I ever find those words in my browsing history that would be the end of our relationship. No stories like it wasnt me,I was curious and I am sorry bla bla
> ...


Thanks for that.. I was lost over AM. 😳


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> You find your spouse on a site like AM, then the most logical and sensible thing to do is ask them about it -- before you do anything else. If you can't talk to your spouse, then it's likely that is part of their problem to begin with. I think it is absolute BS when the first response is to turn into a private eye and try to turn up evidence. That is just as bad as the cheating.


Their email is on a cheating website. Cheaters are liars. Do you think your spouse is going to tell you the truth?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> You find your spouse on a site like AM, then the most logical and sensible thing to do is ask them about it -- before you do anything else. If you can't talk to your spouse, then it's likely that is part of their problem to begin with. I think it is absolute BS when the first response is to turn into a private eye and try to turn up evidence.


Yeah, because waywards ALWAYS come clean upon being asked for honesty, right?



wanttolove said:


> That is just as bad as the cheating.


Nope.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't know why but this thread made me think of the Pina Colada song.

A song about a guy who finds out his wife is looking to get some action on the side through the personal ads, and they both have a good laugh about it. Gotta love the 70s

Yes I like Pina Coladas...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> You find your spouse on a site like AM, then the most logical and sensible thing to do is ask them about it -- before you do anything else. If you can't talk to your spouse, then it's likely that is part of their problem to begin with. I think it is absolute BS when the first response is to turn into a private eye and try to turn up evidence. That is just as bad as the cheating.


While I wholeheartedly support your right to express your opinion, I wholeheartedly disagree with your opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I knew that I would not get a lot of agreement to my statement. Let me add some fuel to the discussion:

1. If you are not going to communicate with your spouse about what you found, then you have basically said it's over. That's OK if that is what you decide. But if you want to know more, then the most honest thing to do is talk about it. It should not matter if you think they are going to lie to you. And a general statement like "all cheaters are liars" is a cop out. Getting caught just might be what opens up the flood gates to communication, whether it is good or bad. 
2. No matter what the indiscretion, it's not an excuse to do something just as wrong -- and I THINK that refusing to talk, instead trying to build a case, is just as wrong as cheating (or trying to cheat). Both are wrong. Both are breaking down trust.
3, If you caught your spouse on a site like AM, that is likely enough in a "fault" state when seeking a divorce.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Don't know why but this thread made me think of the Pina Colada song.
> 
> A song about a guy who finds out his wife is looking to get some action on the side through the personal ads, and they both have a good laugh about it. Gotta love the 70s
> 
> ...


Went and looked at the YouTube vid of this song, and below was one of the comments. I'll link it but sometimes the comments don't always show up in the same order for each visit.

_stacy4422 5 months ago
yeah I tried this but it didn't end like the song it ended in divorce﻿

stacy4422 5 months ago
damn I hate ****** *******﻿_

Ha!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfWVn0GF48Q


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> I knew that I would not get a lot of agreement to my statement. Let me add some fuel to the discussion:
> 
> 1. If you are not going to communicate with your spouse about what you found, then you have basically said it's over. That's OK if that is what you decide. But if you want to know more, then the most honest thing to do is talk about it. It should not matter if you think they are going to lie to you. And a general statement like "all cheaters are liars" is a cop out. Getting caught just might be what opens up the flood gates to communication, whether it is good or bad.


First and foremost. All cheater are liars - this isn't a cop out.

This is a truth.

All cheaters *ARE* liars.

My point about investigating does include talking. Checking. Validating. Is that really you on the web site.




wanttolove said:


> 2. No matter what the indiscretion, it's not an excuse to do something just as wrong -- and I THINK that refusing to talk, instead trying to build a case, is just as wrong as cheating (or trying to cheat). Both are wrong. Both are breaking down trust.


Refusing to talk is not a break down of trust. Being with someone other than your SO is a break down in trust.

I'm going to say this straight up - if you disrespect me, I do not owe you any more of my time other than to allow you to watch me leave. If you're cheating, I don't owe you one thing. Nothing. My gift to you is that I simply turn around and walk out of your life - now you are free to be with whom ever you choose.

Why do I owe someone a second more of my time and life if they are a cheater?


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

snerg said:


> First and foremost. All cheater are liars - this isn't a cop out.
> 
> This is a truth.
> 
> ...


Good question. You do owe someone -- yourself. It's your choice to just shut down and call the other person a liar. Assume that everyone who cheats is a liar who will not talk with you honestly at all. That is not going to be true for everyone.

Every cheater is doing something dishonest. That does not make them a liar.

Going behind the back of your SO without talking to them first IS a breakdown of trust. I have experience with that because my wife did that to me.. and I WASN'T cheating. She just assumed that she had withheld sex from me for years that I would cheat. And it was a slap in the face, a break in trust. I will never trust her again. Take the AM issue out of it and what do you say?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> I knew that I would not get a lot of agreement to my statement.


That's because it's both naive and wrong.



wanttolove said:


> Let me add some fuel to the discussion:
> 
> 1. If you are not going to communicate with your spouse about what you found, then you have basically said it's over. That's OK if that is what you decide. But if you want to know more, then the most honest thing to do is talk about it. It should not matter if you think they are going to lie to you. And a general statement like "all cheaters are liars" is a cop out. Getting caught just might be what opens up the flood gates to communication, whether it is good or bad.
> 2. No matter what the indiscretion, it's not an excuse to do something just as wrong -- and I THINK that refusing to talk, instead trying to build a case, is just as wrong as cheating (or trying to cheat). Both are wrong. Both are breaking down trust.


Nope.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Don't know why but this thread made me think of the Pina Colada song.
> 
> A song about a guy who finds out his wife is looking to get some action on the side through the personal ads, and they both have a good laugh about it. Gotta love the 70s
> 
> ...


I loved that song as a kid. I was so naive I just sang along not really understanding what the lyrics meant. Years later when I heard the song, I'm like, "What the heck?!"


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> That's because it's both naive and wrong.
> 
> 
> 
> Nope.


Why is it naïve? Why is it wrong? It could be common sense. It could just simply be a different opinion than your own. That does not make it either naïve or wrong.

Please. Respect.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> Why is it naïve? Why is it wrong? It could be common sense. It could just simply be a different opinion than your own. That does not make it either naïve or wrong.
> 
> Please. Respect.


It's naive to think that you're going to get the truth out of a wayward just by asking.

It's wrong (or incorrect, or whatever other word you want to use) to equate a BS's choice to take definitive action in order to uncover the truth -- using empirical means instead of trusting in quite-possibly-blatantly-dishonest doe-eyed reassurances -- behind the behavior of a spouse throwing red flags all over the place to a WS's choice to engage in infidelity.

No disrespect, just truth devoid of naiveté.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> It's naive to think that you're going to get the truth out of a wayward just by asking.
> 
> It's wrong (or incorrect, or whatever other word you want to use) to equate a BS's choice to take definitive action in order to uncover the truth -- using empirical means instead of trusting in quite-possibly-blatantly-dishonest doe-eyed reassurances -- behind the behavior of a spouse throwing red flags all over the place to a WS's choice to engage in infidelity.
> 
> ...


It's naïve to think that avoiding asking is going to accomplish anything positive. That's also wrong. It's naïve and wrong to think that the person is always going to lie. Broken or not, it is still a relationship, and relationships require communication. That is not naïve... it's common sense.

And it's common sense to avoid creating a wrong in response to a wrong. It doesn't mean it's being doe eyed and enabling. One does not restore trust by destroying trust, by fueling it.

It's truth to you. That's OK. I won't throw the same type of parting shot.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> It's naïve to think that avoiding asking is going to accomplish anything positive. That's also wrong. It's naïve and wrong to think that the person is always going to lie.


No, that's not naive at all. Your opinion is naive (i.e. optimistic).

Mine is realistic. Some would say pessimistic, and that's fine.

I'd disagree, but that's fine.



wanttolove said:


> Broken or not, it is still a relationship, and relationships require communication. That is not naïve... it's common sense.


No, that's not naive.

It's a platitude, and it's rendered all but inert where infidelity is concerned.

Either way, how many waywards communicate the fact that they are, in fact, waywards?

I'll answer...

Virtually none.

But hey, have fun asking!



wanttolove said:


> And it's common sense to avoid creating a wrong in response to a wrong.


It's actually not.

Or, at the very least, it isn't something that comes naturally to most.

Still, there is a certain nobility in this perspective, and I'll confess some admiration for those that share it.

_But it's *still* naive._



wanttolove said:


> It doesn't mean it's being doe eyed and enabling. One does not restore trust by destroying trust, by fueling it.
> 
> It's truth to you. That's OK. I won't throw the same type of parting shot.


It's truth _period_.

And you shouldn't necessarily assume any sort of "parting shot" from the terseness of my replies; prior to swapping over to my MacBook (for this reply), I was using my iPhone.

Either way, feel free to "throw" whatever you want.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If I found my Dear Hubby's email on AM or AdultFriendFinder, I would be in shock. Naturally--everyone is because we don't see it coming, but also because we are together about 99% of the time and it would be so highly unlike his character. I don't think I'd know what to do for a while, to be honest, because I'd feel very emotional and when i'm highly emotional my thinking goes right out the window. BUT making decisions based on emotions isn't usually a wise idea, so the first thing I'd do is tell myself to not panic and to wait until I could think! 

Then I suspect I'd investigate with an open mind and either prove that he was on there and interacting...or it was some other reason. For example, I could look at cell phone bill to corroborate calls, or check PC history--just dig a bit. I doubt it would be too hard to look and find enough to convince myself one way or the other, and I doubt it would require too much "detail." I mean after all, I think it was essentially be one of two things: 1) there's no real history, no repeatedly opening, an empty AM sent box, and no filled-out profile OR 2) there's AM in the history, repeatedly opening it, messages in and out, and the profile has his photo and address. 

No matter what the investigation reveals, I would talk to him, show him what I found, and proceed accordingly. If it was 1, I'd still speak and say I am feeling suspicious and not cool, but if it was 2, I'd pack his things, show him the door, and again wait until I could think because I'd be in a highly emotional state.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> You find your spouse on a site like AM, then the most logical and sensible thing to do is ask them about it -- before you do anything else. If you can't talk to your spouse, then it's likely that is part of their problem to begin with. *I think it is absolute BS when the first response is to turn into a private eye and try to turn up evidence. That is just as bad as the cheating*.


That is how my husband sees it, too, wanttolove. He sees snooping and cheating on the same level.

I think the argument you can make on snooping depends on your motives for doing it. If you are looking to use whatever you find to strengthen the marriage by holding your spouse's feet to the fire, then it could be seen as a way of helping the spouse and the relationship. If it is done out of self-protection, as a way to force a better financial deal on parting or otherwise manipulate a partner, then I think it may be on the same level as cheating.

I would not feel comfortable in a relationship with a snooper. I wonder how a relationship would come back from that. How does it not set up a power dynamic that may be difficult to ever move out of?

And I am amazed that there are still states that are anything but no-fault.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Regarding AM. I know quite a few guys that got read the riot act but I don't know of any divorces. In my community the most damaging aspect of it was for the husbands that had kids in high school. More than one mom in my neighborhood found out from their daughters that their husband was on the list. Of the guys that I know that were on the list. Only one of them is/was an active cheater. The others were just curious, and scared to death of losing everything. Believe it or not they all blamed the ad campaign that ran on the Stern show. 

The guys on the list reached out to me because I was also on the list. They assumed I was in the same boat as them. I wasn't. My wife knew about me being on AM, because the only time I was on there we did it together. We were watching 20/20 a few years back and saw a story on AM. We basically went on their just to be nosey. Honestly, not much to see. I never imagined that so many years later my name would forever be associated with it. 

Me being on the list did cause some weird things to happen with neighbors and acquaintances. A few women reached out to my wife wanting to know if she needed to talk about anything. Also, weirdly enough a recently divorced neighbor thought it was appropriate to compliment me by saying that a man like me doesn't need AM. Obviously she knew I was on the list. I'm just glad its behind me and the public has moved on.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Regarding AM. I know quite a few guys that got read the riot act but I don't know of any divorces. In my community the most damaging aspect of it was for the husbands that had kids in high school. More than one mom in my neighborhood found out from their daughters that their husband was on the list. Of the guys that I know that were on the list. Only one of them is/was an active cheater. The others were just curious, and scared to death of losing everything. Believe it or not they all blamed the ad campaign that ran on the Stern show.
> 
> The guys on the list reached out to me because I was also on the list. They assumed I was in the same boat as them. I wasn't. My wife knew about me being on AM, because the only time I was on there we did it together. We were watching 20/20 a few years back and saw a story on AM. We basically went on their just to be nosey. Honestly, not much to see. I never imagined that so many years later my name would forever be associated with it.
> 
> Me being on the list did cause some weird things to happen with neighbors and acquaintances. A few women reached out to my wife wanting to know if she needed to talk about anything. Also, weirdly enough a recently divorced neighbor thought it was appropriate to compliment me by saying that a man like me doesn't need AM. Obviously she knew I was on the list. I'm just glad its behind me and the public has moved on.


Why do so many neighbors know so much, and have communication on what appears to be just past the line of inappropriate? 

That whole situation sounds...just strange.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

jld said:


> I think the argument you can make on snooping depends on your motives for doing it. If you are looking to use whatever you find to strengthen the marriage by holding your spouse's feet to the fire, then it could be seen as a way of helping the spouse and the relationship. If it is done out of self-protection, as a way to force a better financial deal on parting or otherwise manipulate a partner, then I think it may be on the same level as cheating.
> 
> I would not feel comfortable in a relationship with a snooper. I wonder how a relationship would come back from that. How does it not set up a power dynamic that may be difficult to ever move out of?


I agree. And I agree partly from experience. I spent many hours talking with a close friend who discovered that his wife had an affair with a man she had met on AM. All he had to do was confront her about it. That opened up a floodgate of confession, turns out that it had been multiple men. It devastated him. But he spent many months talking to her, talking about it with his church pastor as well as a counselor. I was the friend that his counselor suggested he share with. She gave him names and phone numbers. He went as far as to call one of the men, asked the man questions about what he had done with his wife, told him that he was not going to go after him, that the affair was up to him and his wife. The man was married with small children. He told the man that he forgave him, something that was very good for my friend.

If my friend had processed what had happened by saying that all cheaters are liars and shutting down on his cheating wife, then there is a lot he would never have known. She told him. 

Maybe Gus should choose better words to describe my opinions. Do I still sound naïve and unrealistic? People process what has happened to them in different ways. One way is to justify... and making a statement like "All cheaters are liars" is a justification. If I were cheated on, I might say something similar, but it would not help my situation.

My wife and I are friends with a couple where the wife cheated on her husband with another married man. I was good friends with her husband. My wife is good friends and a confidant with the woman. When her husband found out, he also was devastated. But he didn't kick her out. He talked to her about it, asked her to stop, and I know from what she told my wife that she did stop. Jeff did his best to forgive Sherry and that went a long way with her. They talked a lot. He asked for permission to check up on her, was purposeful in making sure he was available to her. They stayed together. About a year after the affair was uncovered, Jeff was diagnosed with leukemia. He died a few months later with his wife at his side.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> Maybe Gus should choose better words to describe my opinions. Do I still sound naïve and unrealistic? People process what has happened to them in different ways. One way is to justify... and making a statement like "All cheaters are not liars" is a justification. If I were cheated on, I might say something similar, but it would not help my situation.
> 
> My wife and I are friends with a couple where the wife cheated on her husband with another married man. I was good friends with her husband. My wife is good friends and a confidant with the woman. When her husband found out, he also was devastated. But he didn't kick her out. He talked to her about it, asked her to stop, and I know from what she told my wife that she did stop. Jeff did his best to forgive Sherry and that went a long way with her. They talked a lot. He asked for permission to check up on her, was purposeful in making sure he was available to her. They stayed together. About a year after the affair was uncovered, Jeff was diagnosed with leukemia. He died a few months later with his wife at his side.


I am so sorry for Sherry. 

I think Jeff handled things correctly. To have healing, you need both people to be honest and open about why it happened. They have to correct the conditions that allowed it to happen.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hmmm....Snooping snoppers are the same as cheaters okay. I don't agree, but I can see how the leap is made. Then again, I wouldn't live in a marriage where a person gets to scream divorce when mad. I think that sets up an ugly power dynamic like described about snooping and more so with cheating. So, different strokes for different folks.

It's interesting because walking away with minimal communication is fine in my book. If you set you boundaries early, why must we rehash and argue about moving the line and giving the person another chance? The cheater or alleged cheater was not communicating with you, why is now imperative and the right thing to do in the opposite direction? If I have enough proof to say "here are the divorce papers, here is the proof bye" all other communication is extraneous.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The statistical odds of a cheater confessing when asked must be in the very low single digits. The odds a person is doing something disloyal if they have an account on AM, AFF, or similar is very high. The odds of having a good marriage going forward with the knowledge your spouse most likely has had or is currently having affairs are extremely low.

One would be best served by finding the truth. With the truth one may heal the marriage or may end the marriage.

The risks of staying with an active cheater are very large. Disease, false paternity, financial, social, professional.

Imho it would be foolish to endanger oneself without taking strong measures to find out what is happening. It would also be foolish to take actions which have bad odds of getting to success. For me that means doing targeted investigation for a reasonable period of time.

If a person's email does show up on one of those websites, they would have to be totally self centered to not be able to understand their spouse's concerns. I personally would not want to be with such a person.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If you think that cheating and snooping on a cheater are just as bad and neither should ever be done...

Well, I think that you're a cheater's dream spouse. No matter what they do, as long as they're careful, you'll never hear "the news".

I guess that some people are just happier going through life with blinders on.

What ever gets you through the day.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*If you think that cheating and snooping on a cheater are just as bad and neither should ever be done...
*

Pretty silly statement. So I guess buddy, if your wife is
(1) staying out late without telling you where she is going
(2) locking all her electronics
(3) dressing more sexy when she leaves the house to go out with girlfriends
(4) "grooming" herself differentl
And that is just for starters.

And you think ASKING her if anything wrong is the way to go. ????

You are clueless and will obvously stay that way. GROUNDPOUNDER had it right. You are the adulterers dream spouse.

ou stay clueless. The other 99% of the word would want to know what the hell is going on.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> He went as far as to call one of the men, asked the man questions about what he had done with his wife, told him that he was not going to go after him, that the affair was up to him and his wife. The man was married with small children. He told the man that he forgave him, something that was very good for my friend.


Did your friend ever call the OM's wife? Did he ever let her know her husband had been cheating on her?



phillybeffandswiss said:


> It's interesting because walking away with minimal communication is fine in my book. If you set you boundaries early, why must we rehash and argue about moving the line and giving the person another chance? The cheater or alleged cheater was not communicating with you, why is now imperative and the right thing to do in the opposite direction? If I have enough proof to say "here are the divorce papers, here is the proof bye" all other communication is extraneous.


QFT




wanttolove said:


> Maybe Gus should choose better words to describe my opinions. Do I still sound naïve and unrealistic? People process what has happened to them in different ways. One way is to justify... and making a statement like "All cheaters are liars" is a justification. If I were cheated on, I might say something similar, but it would not help my situation.


I have to agree with Gus on this.

And to reiterate - All cheater *ARE* liars. 

If you refuse to accept that and keep claiming that it's a justification, you simply are refusing to accept the truth and reality of a situation of infidelity.

And no, it doesn't help your situation by making that claim. It does help you realize that you are dealing with a person that's low integrity, low on honesty, and low on respect. Do you truly believe a cheating spouse will be truthful with you? They haven't been. They have been lying to your face for however long they have been in the affair. It is naive to believe that just sitting down to talk will yield a truthful answer. 

That's why the phrase Trickle Truth (TT) is so often brought up. Go over to CWI and see how many people were able to get a TT from their cheating spouse.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sure, occasionally someone will question their spouse as to their fidelity and that spouse will come clean and admit the truth. Then they enjoy some pina coladas, make love at midnight and forgive and forget. I would put the odds there at 5% and I feel I'm probably being too generous with that figure. If a spouse wants to know the truth one way or the other they need to find out on their own.

And I find it unreasonable that some posters here would equate snooping in order to get to the bottom of their spouse's lies and infidelity to those that willingly go out and cheat behind their spouses back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

snerg said:


> Did your friend ever call the OM's wife? Did he ever let her know her husband had been cheating on her?


No. And he made that clear to the guy. My friend had enough to deal with concerning his wife. He felt like seeking revenge was not in his best interests. He did tell the guy that he hoped that the guy would man up and deal with the issues in his own marriage, tell his wife on his own.




snerg said:


> If you refuse to accept that and keep claiming that it's a justification, you simply are refusing to accept the truth and reality of a situation of infidelity.
> 
> And no, it doesn't help your situation by making that claim. It does help you realize that you are dealing with a person that's low integrity, low on honesty, and low on respect. Do you truly believe a cheating spouse will be truthful with you? They haven't been. They have been lying to your face for however long they have been in the affair. It is naive to believe that just sitting down to talk will yield a truthful answer.
> 
> That's why the phrase Trickle Truth (TT) is so often brought up. Go over to CWI and see how many people were able to get a TT from their cheating spouse.


How about we call this one even? I gave two examples from my own life that show that cheaters will be truthful when their spouse talks to them. I am not being naïve because I have seen it happen. Are there cheaters and criminals that won't pony up? Sure. But you can't just assume that is going to happen. Assuming that really does nothing positive for your situation, especially if you want a chance at reconciliation, and even if you don't want them back. Refusing to communicate is a negative in any situation.

Thanks for the debate and thanks for a response that goes beyond 'Nope'.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

To me, our bodies give us very reliable information about what things in life are 'just as bad.'

When you find out your spouse is cheating, it's common to not eat, not sleep, cry/sob uncontrollably for days/weeks, abuse drugs and/or alcohol, and become so overwhelmed as to make work impossible. People lose so much weight that they call it 'the infidelity diet.' Suicidal thoughts are common.

The physical reaction is very much like grief after the passing of a loved one. As with grief, many people require serious therapy after discovering their spouses were unfaithful.

The natural reaction after finding out that your spouse is snooping? Not so much.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Out of curiosity, I searched for any email addresses belonging to my employer's domain... and found a couple. Also found a couple of addresses from one of our primary software vendor's domain.
> 
> Who in his or her right mind would use an employer-issued email address for something like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most people are dumb enough to do that.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> No. And he made that clear to the guy. My friend had enough to deal with concerning his wife. He felt like seeking revenge was not in his best interests. He did tell the guy that he hoped that the guy would man up and deal with the issues in his own marriage, tell his wife on his own.


That's very sad.
So he expected the guy (a cheater and liar mind you) to be honest and tell his poor wife that he had cheated on her?

That's so sad for her. She did nothing to deserve what happened to her. She deserved nothing to potentially be exposed to some STD.

And this wouldn't be seeking revenge. This would be giving the wife information about her well being.



wanttolove said:


> How about we call this one even? I gave two examples from my own life that show that cheaters will be truthful when their spouse talks to them. I am not being naïve because I have seen it happen. Are there cheaters and criminals that won't pony up? Sure. But you can't just assume that is going to happen. Assuming that really does nothing positive for your situation, especially if you want a chance at reconciliation, and even if you don't want them back. Refusing to communicate is a negative in any situation.
> 
> Thanks for the debate and thanks for a response that goes beyond 'Nope'.


I was going point one more item, but I agree, you have your view and I have the truth (just kidding). 

Take care


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Why do so many neighbors know so much, and have communication on what appears to be just past the line of inappropriate?
> 
> That whole situation sounds...just strange.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


The AM data wasn't that easy to mine in its original format. Someone local went through a lot of work and took it open themselves to create a spreadsheet with a list of all the names of the men in the county. From there the high school kids got a hold of it, a well as a lot of local mothers groups on facebook. 

After that it got broken down further. We not talking people searching a name here or there. We're talking lists that eventually ended up broken down by neighborhood. In my neighborhood there were several husbands on every single street. Roughly one out of five if I had to guess. So it was a really big deal where I live. I'm not at all saying anyone on the list deserves sympathy. If anything I feel for all the daughters that had their images of their fathers shattered by finding out at school.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is from an episode of Coronation Street. A married man joins a video dating site. And is found out.

He is exposed in the local pub when he meets his date, who turns out to be his wife!  :rofl:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGrDNS1bgY8

I had a major crush on Julie Goodyear who played the blonde pub landlady. I wasn't the only one. Julie was *very* popular! 

It was from 1983, I think.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> This is from an episode of Coronation Street. A married man joins a video dating site. And is found out.
> 
> He is exposed in the local pub when he meets his date, who turns out to be his wife!  :rofl:
> 
> ...


See it IS the Pina Colada song!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

snerg said:


> That's very sad.
> So he expected the guy (a cheater and liar mind you) to be honest and tell his poor wife that he had cheated on her?
> 
> That's so sad for her. She did nothing to deserve what happened to her. She deserved nothing to potentially be exposed to some STD.
> ...


Nice try. I can't tell you what went on between the other man and his wife. What I can tell you is that my friend decided that dealing with his own wife was more important than being responsible for the other man's sin. Getting to the bottom of what was going on with his own wife was far more important. Who knows what dynamic it would have created if he had told the other man's wife. As it was, my friend could talk to his wife without blame. He gave her no reason to blame him, saw that she was more important to him than the revenge of exposing the other man. Because he talked to her, he forced her to be accountable, got to set down the rules about knowing where she was and who she was with, etc.... And if she kept it up (and she did eventually -- she has some severe emotional issues), then he could move on. He did eventually.

We marry someone for better or worse. Even if it becomes worse, it's still a relationship, even if it ends up in divorce. The other person is still a person. I think we make a mistake by judging people, by labelling them immediately as liars and cheats, without knowing anything about them. A lot of those people on AM are damaged people, depressed and desperate, vulnerable. Some are scum. But it's not really our place to judge. Cheating is a terrible thing, terrible not just for the one being cheated on.

Go ahead. Make it simple. Judging is the easiest thing to do, the hardest thing to justify.


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