# How long did you continue to snoop after D Day??



## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

After discovering evidence of an affair and confronting your WS about it, how much longer did you continue to keep them on probation for.... I said I wold stop snooping but he's lied to me and I cannot trust him so soon after D day.. I fear this is an issue of us having different morals and values and don't trust him to stop engaging in the flirtatious and sexual joking that lead us to this sad state....

Any feedback would be appreciated.. I'm trying to not obsess and move on but it's tough when your gut is still screaming at you ...


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

It's been over 5 months since D-day for me and I snoop more now than ever. My head tells me he's stopped, but my gut can't make up its mind. Sometimes I feel pretty good about us, other times I feel like he's just taken it underground and is making a fool of me. I'm tired of even thinking about it.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Once I realized she wasn't hiding anything from me.. that her phone was always sitting there unlocked.. that she was coming home on time, and bringing my children with her when she goes out. Basically you'll know when you can stop 'snooping'... You'll also realize, that a gps will only tell you so much, like where the phone or car is.. a VAR won't work if they pick up a phone in work or a pay phone. You have to trust your gut, and judge from how he's being. What he's not only saying, but what he's doing to comfort you and help put your mind at ease. He should want full transparency, so he can rebuild your trust. He needs to prove to you that he understands the risks and dangers now of his flirtations and is willing to change his behavior, to make your marriage safe and to make you comfortable. It sounds like he needs to read that "NOT Just friends" book.. It'll help him to see what he's doing, and it'll show you if he's willing to do something for you...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

That depends on how they behave. As long as he continues to lie, you shouldn't stop. Though that begs another question, perhaps for a different thread; on what to do about that.

If the WS passes all the monitoring tests for a few months, then you can slowly start to gain trust and the monitoring can be reduced over time. I'm two years since Dday and all I do now is an occasional look at her cell phone records. 

But welcome to the world of the BS. You'll find it difficult to ever let your guard down completely.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

checkingout said:


> It's been over 5 months since D-day for me and I snoop more now than ever. My head tells me he's stopped, but my gut can't make up its mind. Sometimes I feel pretty good about us, other times I feel like he's just taken it underground and is making a fool of me. I'm tired of even thinking about it.


I found it's good to go with the gut... I listened to my brain for years telling me my wife wasn't cheating, when my gut was telling me that she was... If you're still so suspicious after five months, perhaps he needs to do more to reassure you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I never snooped. At all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

For almost 4 years.....

When I stopped is when he started up an EA....

I only found out b/c he was acting suspicious so started snooping again after about a year of not...



It destroys you living like that


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

I'm not dead yet. I'll have to get back with you . . .


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I did a false R from Nov. 2011 till about May 2013. My gut was telling me that she was still doing things and she kept lying. The two biggest lies were where was she on two particular dates in 2011. I had the proof and she kept lying about it or she would say she did not remember. She only admitted to being with him 5 times, I knew of 7 for sure and I suspected 9. 

When she came clean in May she told me about all 9 times in 2011 without me asking and told me about 2012 till 2013. 

During false R there were many other lies, lies about small things and lies about big things. It was getting old.

She is not lying now. I don't look as much, but on Friday she has to sub at place that will take her near where the XOM lives. I will have a VAR in her car. I have not done this since February. My gut is telling me that she is clean, repentive and remorseful. I do believe in trust but verify and that is why I will have the VAR in her car on Friday.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

16 years and counting for my wife. She doesn't do it all the time but I've seen her check from time to time. Especially if I go out with the boys (hunting trips, fishing trips, football season).


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

It depends on how many ddays your speaking of sadly I had several with my ex. 

I hated the snooping it changed me in ways I didn't like I became police, security guard, Gps, big brother over night. Sometimes I was dead on the money and others I wasn't. 
What drove me crazy was that feeling would come all of a sudden it would creep up even if everything was fine and there weren't any signs, I had to find something sometimes I was relieved others disappointed after awhile it became this thing where I had to be right so I had to check the emails, the phone, the journal etc etc. My heart would beat I would forget to breathe my hands would shake and tremble I was a mess. 

I was obsessed I went down that that rabbit hole and I thought I would never ever come out. Deep down the truth was I could never trust him again, but I was too proud and ashamed to admit that it was time for me to go because I could never trust him the same ever again. Yes sure he cheated he caused the pain, hurt and betrayal but I was too scared and too stubborn to pull the plug. It never stopped at least not for me. I left and I can't tell you that was one of the happiest day of my life. 

A huge burden had been lifted, because I felt free. No more snooping, no more looking at my clock to make sure he got home when he was suppose to, no more questioning and doubting my self and especially no more having to wait to see if one day he was going to try his hand at lying to me again. But most of all I was honest with myself I knew once that trust was broken I couldn't deal with it. And that is ok. he never changed anyway. But I did and it was for the better. But be careful about that rabbit hole it take you to dark places you wouldn't dream you be in.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

I snooped. ONCE. It was within 48 hours after D-day. The reason I did it was because he refused to tell me who he was having the EA with. I snooped because I wanted to verify for my own sanity. I had a 'gut feeling' about them for a few weeks, but I brushed it off because I trusted him. Plus, I'm not a "snooper" by nature.

I didn't have to break into any accounts. The information I was looking for took about 3 seconds. It was right on his desktop on his computer. I probably scanned (with my eyes) a whole bunch of pages. I saw a few pictures and a Valentine's day card she sent him. I saw where he told her that I had 'just walked into the room' and that they should probably "cool it" and how SHE wrote that they were "...just _very_ good friends". I also saw where she wrote that she "didn't want to hurt Vega". After reading that, I felt too sick to read anymore. I confirmed by suspicions. I was right. 

What I should have done in hindsight was to download everything onto a jump drive and sent it to her husband...

Vega


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I do not "snoop" he is aware that I look in his things and that he is the reason I feel the need to verify that things are not going on in some blind spot for me.

He is aware that HE broke my trust and that it may be many more years before I do not feel the need to check in on him. I understand that people want a level of privacy even those in committed relationships but you get what you ask for.

I would love for the day that I feel that safe again and have no cause or insecurity to look through his stuff. What a dream that sounds like right now.

I think you should stop when you are ready to. It can become a very unhealthy thing like an obsession. If it is taking over most of your time and turning up nothing then you need to stop. Other wise when you are damn good and ready should be the best answer.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I snooped a handful of times first week.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vega said:


> I snooped. ONCE. It was within 48 hours after D-day. The reason I did it was because he refused to tell me who he was having the EA with. I snooped because I wanted to verify for my own sanity. I had a 'gut feeling' about them for a few weeks, but I brushed it off because I trusted him. Plus, I'm not a "snooper" by nature.
> 
> I didn't have to break into any accounts. The information I was looking for took about 3 seconds. It was right on his desktop on his computer. I probably scanned (with my eyes) a whole bunch of pages. I saw a few pictures and a Valentine's day card she sent him. I saw where he told her that I had 'just walked into the room' and that they should probably "cool it" and how SHE wrote that they were "...just _very_ good friends". I also saw where she wrote that she "didn't want to hurt Vega". After reading that, I felt too sick to read anymore. I confirmed by suspicions. I was right.
> 
> ...


She didn't want to hurt you? Well, heck, that ambition of hers was a total bust, huh?

Why didn't I snoop?

I think maybe I was afraid of what I might find out...


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

The gut knows best.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Kurosity said:


> He is aware that HE broke my trust and that it may be many more years before I do not feel the need to check in on him. *I understand that people want a level of privacy even those in committed relationships* but you get what you ask for.


The problem is, that they _*abused*_ their 'privacy' and turned it into _secrecy_. They _*abused*_ our trust by taking advantage of it. They didn't just abuse it once; they abused it over and over again.

My ex was a stickler for his 'privacy'. I respected his wishes. 

Now I know _why_ he wanted so much of it...

Vega


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> She didn't want to hurt you? Well, heck, that ambition of hers was a total bust, huh?


I know! Seriously! That's why I keep saying, "If *you* didn't want to hurt me, then why DID YOU???" Why did she continue to engage in hurtful behavior if she didn't _"want"_ to hurt me? 

V.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vega said:


> I know! Seriously! That's why I keep saying, "If *you* didn't want to hurt me, then why DID YOU???" Why did she continue to engage in hurtful behavior if she didn't _"want"_ to hurt me?
> 
> V.


I'll take a stab at this.

She really didn't want to hurt you. But she wanted him more than she didn't want to hurt you.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Vega said:


> The problem is, that they _*abused*_ their 'privacy' and turned it into _secrecy_. They _*abused*_ our trust by taking advantage of it. They didn't just abuse it once; they abused it over and over again.
> 
> My ex was a stickler for his 'privacy'. I respected his wishes.
> 
> ...


Like I said, You get what you ask for! He did not just abuse my trust over and over, he beat it to death and sent it to its grave. Trust killed so privacy is voided.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

They do not think that far a head.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I'll take a stab at this.
> 
> She really didn't want to hurt you. But *she wanted him more than she didn't want to hurt you*.


Yes, I know. It was more of a rhetorical question. If I ever had a chance to ask her, I'm sure I'd hear something like, "Well...the heart wants what the heart wants!" 

...to which I would respond, "What about what *MY* heart wanted? What about the fact that *I* was in his life before YOU were?" 

It's like, "cutting in line". We learn NOT to cut ahead of others when we're 5,6 or 7 years old. This is why I see cheating as such _immature_ behavior! 

Vega


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I guess I will follow my woman's intuition... I am worried about asking him for his passwords as he has already changed one of them after we discussed what that would do to me.... I could spot check but he isn't stupid..I am sure he'd just delete everything before he got home from work as he seemed to engage in the affair during work hours on his work email and work cell phone. I feel as if I am compelled to continue until I can verify he IS actually telling the truth. 

Can some of you BS give me an idea of what your transparency with your WS consists of? What should I be asking for?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Tell him you do not trust him, he broke it. Ask him what he is going to do to fix it? He should volunteer complete, unabridged transparency to everything he has got. Even then, that might not be enough.

I am 2 years from d day tomorrow morning. I had her email come to my phone up until about 6 weeks ago. Had google latitude on her phone always on. I never saw anything untoward once she firmly recommitted having exited the fog in late November. It is incredibly grinding, both the watching, and the being watched. Actually, the whole rigmarole that ensues from catching a cheater just grinds away relentlessly. I cannot fathom attempting R with someone who would pout about privacy, or be less than wide open early on in the process while the wounds are still very fresh.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Still snooping 9 months out. Not all the time, about once or twice a month, or more often if I get the urge. I can't see me ever being able to stop that to be honest. 

He knows I do it, but probably doesn't realise the extent of the surveillance I have at my disposal. He's electronically and technologically challenged in comparison to me, which works to my advantage.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

superspy said:


> I guess I will follow my woman's intuition... I am worried about asking him for his passwords as he has already changed one of them after we discussed what that would do to me.... I could spot check but he isn't stupid..I am sure he'd just delete everything before he got home from work as he seemed to engage in the affair during work hours on his work email and work cell phone. I feel as if I am compelled to continue until I can verify he IS actually telling the truth.
> 
> Can some of you BS give me an idea of what your transparency with your WS consists of? What should I be asking for?


1. End of all personal FB and email accounts. We have a shared FB, which was mine and shared email.
2. I can call her at any time, except when she is working. Even yesterday, I called twice and she did not answer. Called me back apologizing and telling me what she was doing.
3. GPS on her phone.
4. Tells me when she leaves for work and when she is coming home. 
5. Is accountable for her time.
6. I can check her computer, phone, etc and she does not get upset.
7. We can talk about triggers and she will give me a hug and tell me she is sorry for causing this anxiety in me.

My wife came up with most of this stuff. I told her that I feel anxious on the days she works. She said i will text you. She loses cell phone connection in the beauty shop, I have been there and my phone will not work either. But I set times for her phone to let me know via text where her phone is located. When she is in the shop it tells me it can't be located but gives me the lst location.

Another thing. My wife never, ever gets defensive about any thing I ask or when I snoop. She says she will prove to me that she is on the right track and so far she has. My wife has taken it to heart to do the hard work and I don't beat her up and show her as much love as I can. It goes both ways. When the WS understands the trust issues, triggers, anxiety, etc and works to reduce those, that is one indication the A is over. But the BS needs to share what they are feeling as well. WS's are not mind readers. My wife though has been so in tune with me that I rarely have to say a thing, she knows when I am feeling down or anxious and responds accordingly.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

Blacksmith01 said:


> The gut knows best.


It is so true. 
When I found out my boyfriend's cheating, it was right next day. Friday night he slept with his ex. On saturday night I was supposed to stay over his place, so I did. We had great dinner that night and came back together to his house. We watched TV cuddling happily, and then he went to take a shower. I did, too. I thought we would make love as usual. But he went to sleep without saying good night to me. He did that several times before when he was very tired. But that night I thought it was strange. 

Before that night, I had never checked his emails. But that night I did and found his ex's email. I emailed her right back, and the night's whole drama started and revealed his cheating completely.

I sensed it before snooping. I am sure I will sense it again without snooping.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

I snooped for about a month, I caught her in a lie and stupidly divulged my source. That was before we were in R. Now we are in R and things are bland like before D-Day. The thing about snooping is that it's pointless. I've created fake email accounts, used those to create a fake FB account, and have a texting app that is hidden and uses a different phone number. I check my fake emails with private browsing (also used for porn). I have an account at one of those affair sites but havnt used it. I could easily start something up with her being none the wiser (and I might should the right lady come by). The point is she could do the same and with her new job, it would ( or should I say will) be easy. There is no way to really snoop. Best to look for subtle hints unless you're with someone who is a complete moron with technology - then snoop away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

herblackwings said:


> Best to look for subtle hints unless you're with someone who is a complete moron with technology - then snoop away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The thing that I have found is that cheaters like my wife think that they are smarter then they really are and that makes them ****y. So they don't really put in the effort to cover all of their tracks. IE They are lazy. All the stuff she has tried to hide from me this summer and that stuff still got found out, But she keeps trying to hide stuff on me and pull the wool over my eyes. You would think by now she would just give up and stop challenging my ability's.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Had google latitude on her phone always on.


S&A, did you find this worked well? If so, how?
I found that I couldn't get it to update more than once an hour and it was totally inaccurate often. Miles out. And then often when it pinpointed the area correctly it was often with a wide area of accuracy. Sometimes it was spot on to the point he was at. I found that lookout security was far better, though I had to change his email alerts to my email which he never sussed, and I used the find my phone feature to locate him. It wasn't always accurate and occasionally located him somewhere totally different, but on the whole it was good. I would like to get latitude sorted though as he has a new phone and I don't have his location on anything at the moment....I am not sure I even want it now as I am happier...but it may come in useful.

SS, getting transparency from my man was a long arduous process. I knew what I wanted and needed, he fought every step at 1st. We split many times over it. Once I came here and realised that what I was asking was far from unreasonable, when my needs were confirmed as 'normal', I then became much more insistent and took less sh*t. I told him he can take it or leave it but I need transparency and I will take nothing less. 

He gave his passwords when asked to email and phone bill, he handed his phone over when asked...some grumbling but he complied. He is now happy to give pretty much all I need so long as I don't suffocate him with it, which was hard at one point. I became slightly obsessed...but he still complied.

We are now 2 years post DD in July just gone. Things are much easier but far from perfect. Detaching helped me a lot (when I believe he hasn't given me all the truth). His wish to do pretty much what is necessary to put my mind at rest helps also. I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't willing to do that. It would be pointless. 

Transparency to me means he is willing to be open about his whereabouts without me having to ask every time, and when I ask for him to be happy to tell. To not grumble about me panicking/checking up on him. He puts things on place in order to prevent me panicking. Also, he has to be open about any accounts, email, phone bills, he has offered me access to his bank account etc. All this is even more necessary as we don't live together.

I also try and do checking he is not aware of. Then I am not telling him how to cover his tracks. I go through phases, sometimes I don't check for months, other times a bit more frequently.

Watch out for what you ask for regarding transparency. If he isn't doing it willingly after being asked to do so, if he is changing passwords, you won't find out the truth by asking! You will only find the truth by monitoring quietly without his knowledge. There are ways to hack into his email if you want the truth...though once you do this he will know. Unless you can guess his password of course.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

4 years out and I still scan her internet history and look at her phone records. I don't believe anything is happening but you will NEVER trust 100% again.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Latitude was what it was. Sometimes it was very accurate, sometimes less so. It could be made to work better on an Android than on an iPhone (which she has), but it basically served its purpose for me. It could be manipulated, or set to stop updating, but that became apparent if one was paying attention, and could lead to needed conversations. 

I will also state that the vast majority of my stuff has been wide open, always. Latitude was on my phone before I knew about the affair, my emails come to a shared computer. Facebook password is auto saved on the computer. I do have extra email, for this site, that comes to my phone only, but I do not guard my phone excessively. I did put a password on it a couple of months ago, but would hand it to her if she asked. 

It is mostly symbolic, the monitoring though. If anyone put any real tqhought and effort into it, an affair could be buried pretty deeply. Luckily for a bs, most cheaters are quite sloppy at hiding it. I was clued in by her changing her Facebook password. Then she got possessive of her phone. Idiotic.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

Shamefully I've gone through the whole gambit of electronic snooping. We have iphones and they can be jailbroke. Once I jailbroke her phone I could sit there and listen in on her conversations and hear how she would trash me. I could see who she was texting, or her keystrokes within minutes of her typing. I could send her phone a code which she wouldnt see and have it take a picture of her surroundings. I thought I had my bases covered. I thought I knew exactly what she was doing and with who and she never knew. She would tell me she was busy working and couldnt text anymore only to start texting someone else within seconds of telling me how busy she was. Come to find out she was using her work phone or her computer at work to do her sneaking around. The jailbreak has since been removed as well as the spy software, I cant be with someone Im constantly having to worry about. Like my therapist said, it'll drive me crazy which it did.

After reading Sad and Angry's post Im convinced theres someone else. She swears there isnt but I know there is. Im stuck in her house for the time being but I no longer pry or ask questions about her personal life. It hurts like hell being here and seeing the very person who intentionally hurt or disrespected you everyday but I stay in my bedroom and do my best to make sure I dont make any noise wait till she goes to bed before I come downstairs and even than I wont turn on the tv for fear of possibly waking her up


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

15 months out and, honestly, although some who knew how much I do would think it's A LOT, it is now down to about 1/5 of what I wsa doing right after Dday. He doesn't "compute" at all, and his iphone is always available to me, unlocked and on the table anytime I want to pick it up. He no longer gets up at daybreak (during his A he talked to her on the phone from 7am-9am every day before she went to work, silly me, I thought he was telling me the truth and being a dutiful son every morning when he headed to his mom's little FEMA cottage on our property). 
I do admit I check a lot. I'm not sure if it would be different if he had gone NC immediately. Probably so. Funny thing, though, I tend to check on POSOW quite a bit. I make sure her car is in the lot where she works if my FWH has to be out of our town for the day. I have absolutely NO REASON to believe he will try to contact her after all she's put us through, but I check anyway.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You kind of have it backwards Calmwinds, given his past choices, your husband has given you many reasons to have doubts and want reassurance. You aren't weird, you aren't unreasonable, you are human, and your trust was betrayed. You don't need to get past it for him but for you, nor on anyone's timeline except your own.


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## coolbreez (Sep 6, 2013)

If you don't have trust you have nothing.


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