# Spouse wants me to stay until they take their own life.



## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Yes, you read my title correctly.

Anyone who has read my prior posts knows that I have been frustrated with my relationship. I have gone to counselling on my own since my spouse will not go due to being a "private person".

We keep trying to work things out but lately it has been hard for me not to completely check out. That is obviously noticed, and I am feeling really bad about that.

Part of me, perhaps crazily, wants to still try to work it out. A few weeks ago my spouse said to me she had no one in the world (she has no friends), and she would have to get a better job in order to take care of herself on her own. I assume she senses things are going to end soon.

This week, we had a difference over yet another minor issue. Due to her mental illness, and probably current state in her mind of our relationship, she withdrew. I left her alone for a few minutes and then she came to tell me....

That please stay with her for five more years until her cats have had a good life (she feels no one can take care of them like she can-therefore suicide has never been an option for her), at which point she will go with her cats and we won't even need a divorce.

I am at a loss. My deep compassion for others in life has probably been my downfall, as the guilt is unbearable at times when I think of moving on. When I heard her say this now...well it makes me so sad I have no words. 

I do not know what to do any more. I am going to see my counsellor in 2 weeks, but in the meantime I do not know what to say to my spouse any more. I woke up this morning thinking that I should give her an ultimatum of coming to counselling with me. Then I thought, am I crazy for thinking that??? Run, run run! It is such a terrible situation.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look into having this woman committed. Seriously! I've seen some manipulation tactics in my day, but this takes the cake. Call her doctors and get her locked in a psych ward for her sake and yours.

And, get the hell away from this woman.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)




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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She needs serious intervention to save her, very possibility medication, and you being in a relationship with her won't save her. Pretty damn awful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> She needs serious intervention to save her, very possibility medication, and you being in a relationship with her won't save her. Pretty damn awful!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is on medication and actually has not being doing too badly. Until the last few months when our relationship started to have bumps again.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Though this is not all exactly on point, you might find it useful:

When Your Partner Threatens Suicide | www.loveisrespect.org


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I second looking into psychiatric rehabilitation. Just from what you've said I'd say that involuntary admission wouldn't be out of the question. Unfortunately, you're going to have to get her to see a psychiatrist first as she has not tried to harm herself. If you can't get her there, you can possibly get them to come to you. They do it all the time for interventions etc. 

Also, look after those cats. (Edit: and yourself!)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sunny: You really need to notify both her MD and her Psychotherapist immediately!*


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm expecting the call from across the nation that my Type II bipolar brother has finally checked out one of these days (he's on a 72 hold as we speak).

Whatever happens, you MUST realize that you had no power to change it. This is out of your control to fix, so don't beat yourself up about it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I agree with the others call her dr and explain whats up. ask him if you can do anything about it. tell him to plan on divorcing and she is threatening suicide.

next time she threatens to harm her self call 911 explain it on the phone so there's a record of it. Tell them your worried about your own safety as well as hers.

if you have any guns in the house get locked down or store them somewhere else....a friends house or a family members house.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stay for five years until the cats are ready to go? They all go together? No. 

She needs considerably more help than she's currently getting -- and not from you. Discuss this with her doctor.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So according to her, your options are divorce now and she'll commit suicide now, or wait 5 years and she'll commit suicide then? Huh... 

You need to continue talking this over with your therapist. It's not a topic for random anonymous strangers off the Internet. 

C


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> So according to her, your options are divorce now and she'll commit suicide now, or wait 5 years and she'll commit suicide then? Huh...
> 
> You need to continue talking this over with your therapist. It's not a topic for random anonymous strangers off the Internet.
> 
> C


I do not think she will do anything now, her comment was simply to please wait.

I agree, but cannot see them for 2 weeks...I appreciate the random strangers


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, you can always call her bluff. Put those cats in a kennel & tell her you offed them. Tell her you didn't want to wait for 5 years. Not seriously; just pointing out the ridiculousness of her request.

How in the world did you keep a straight face when that crap came out of her mouth?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

She'll just get more cats...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> I do not think she will do anything now, her comment was simply to please wait.
> 
> I agree, but cannot see them for 2 weeks...I appreciate the random strangers


So why wait then? What's in it for you? If it was me, I'd be talking to a lawyer or investigating my rights and responsibilities with regards to divorce now. I'd be finding out about local options in case she does threaten self-harm in a serious manner. But I wouldn't be willing to be emotionally blackmailed. 

Does she have family? You mentioned no friends...

C


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She'll just get more cats...

Lol. When one dies, she could get a lookalike replacement & Sunny would never know. This could go on for fifty years.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

That is the ultimate in manipulation. You can't help her, but you can help yourself. You can get out of there. You don't have to feel guilty about it. As you said, she has a mental illness, so there is nothing you did and nothing you said that brought this on. There is nothing you could do to stop it, prevent it, or change it. So look at how manipulative that is: She wants you to feel sorry for her and stay for FIVE YEARS and then she will kill herself? How much sense does that make to you? What purpose could it serve except to rope you in for 5 more years? What? Has she the gift of premonition and knows exactly when her cats are going to die too? And if she's planning on killing them and then killing herself, she can do it all now. It is clear the sole purpose is to manipulate you.

Also, you know it's just the manipulation of her illness talking because just like she has no idea when her cats are going to die, she also doesn't know how she will feel in 5 years. The illness has her thinking crazy. I know it makes a person sad, but that was the manipulation. You were SUPPOSED to feel sad. You were SUPPOSED to feel bad for her.....and guilty.....so that you would grant her request. But you have to keep your wits about you. When you talk with your therapist, ask about HER illness, and you will see this is all just part of her neurosis.

To help you understand what I'm saying and why I'm saying it, I have a sister who is mentally ill. Talking with a psychiatrist made me understand there is nothing that can be done and we were not to fall for her imagined reality. He made me understand that nothing but medication could help her, and that was only if she took her meds. Your wife has the same problem that most mentally ill people have. Either her meds need to be tweeked, or they are not working, or she is not taking them. Either way, none of this has anything to do with you. You just happen to be the closest heartstrings for her to manipulate.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is SHE in therapy? I can't imagine her getting meds like that without it. Call them.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, you can always call her bluff. Put those cats in a kennel & tell her you offed them. Tell her you didn't want to wait for 5 years. Not seriously; just pointing out the ridiculousness of her request.
> 
> How in the world did you keep a straight face when that crap came out of her mouth?


Sadly nothing surprises me any more...but that one certainly did this week. I was prob too completely flabbergasted to show any emotion. My mind was processing the fact someone was telling me to please wait around until I kill myself in a few years. My mind cannot comprehend that thinking...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> So why wait then? What's in it for you? If it was me, I'd be talking to a lawyer or investigating my rights and responsibilities with regards to divorce now. I'd be finding out about local options in case she does threaten self-harm in a serious manner. But I wouldn't be willing to be emotionally blackmailed.
> 
> Does she have family? You mentioned no friends...
> 
> C


Siblings. Both parents have passed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How close is she to her siblings? How much contact do you of have with them? 

C


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> How close is she to her siblings? How much contact do you of have with them?
> 
> C


Not very close to sister (sister of which thinks many people would have left by now, and that I prob should). Brother in another country, not close. I have regular contact with sister.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Many mentally ill people are alienated from their family. They alienate themselves by becoming too unbearable. I speak with sister on the phone and tell her how much I love her, but I can't spend time with her. 

Just like her siblings, you need to do what you need to do. You can't allow her to blackmail you like this. You have to accept that it's the illness talking, which neither you nor she have any control over.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> That is the ultimate in manipulation. You can't help her, but you can help yourself. You can get out of there. You don't have to feel guilty about it. As you said, she has a mental illness, so there is nothing you did and nothing you said that brought this on. There is nothing you could do to stop it, prevent it, or change it. So look at how manipulative that is: She wants you to feel sorry for her and stay for FIVE YEARS and then she will kill herself? How much sense does that make to you? What purpose could it serve except to rope you in for 5 more years? What? Has she the gift of premonition and knows exactly when her cats are going to die too? And if she's planning on killing them and then killing herself, she can do it all now. It is clear the sole purpose is to manipulate you.
> 
> Also, you know it's just the manipulation of her illness talking because just like she has no idea when her cats are going to die, she also doesn't know how she will feel in 5 years. The illness has her thinking crazy. I know it makes a person sad, but that was the manipulation. You were SUPPOSED to feel sad. You were SUPPOSED to feel bad for her.....and guilty.....so that you would grant her request. But you have to keep your wits about you. When you talk with your therapist, ask about HER illness, and you will see this is all just part of her neurosis.
> 
> To help you understand what I'm saying and why I'm saying it, I have a sister who is mentally ill. Talking with a psychiatrist made me understand there is nothing that can be done and we were not to fall for her imagined reality. He made me understand that nothing but medication could help her, and that was only if she took her meds. Your wife has the same problem that most mentally ill people have. Either her meds need to be tweeked, or they are not working, or she is not taking them. Either way, none of this has anything to do with you. You just happen to be the closest heartstrings for her to manipulate.


Very well said.

To be clear though she is wanting to wait til the cats die naturally. That is why this is not an option for her now, as she feels no one can take care of them properly.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> Many mentally ill people are alienated from their family. They alienate themselves by becoming too unbearable. I speak with sister on the phone and tell her how much I love her, but I can't spend time with her.
> 
> Just like her siblings, you need to do what you need to do. You can't allow her to blackmail you like this. You have to accept that it's the illness talking, which neither you nor she have any control over.


Absolutely. However, I feel constantly drawn in to be the saviour in all of this for her. I end it, and she prob ends. That I have a very difficult time coming to grips with. Not easy. THerefore I keep hoping that one day...one day...things will turn...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sunnyroses said:


> Yes, you read my title correctly.
> 
> Anyone who has read my prior posts knows that I have been frustrated with my relationship. I have gone to counselling on my own since my spouse will not go due to being a "private person".
> 
> ...


Uhhhhhhhhhh...

THERAPY. NOW.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> Absolutely. However, I feel constantly drawn in to be the saviour in all of this for her. I end it, and she prob ends. That I have a very difficult time coming to grips with. Not easy. THerefore I keep hoping that one day...one day...things will turn...


Ask your therapist to focus on this - your White Knight syndrome.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You cannot rescue her. And things aren't likely to turn around one day. What is likely is that you will spend your life trying to help her cope and in the end she'll outlive you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

SamuraiJack said:


> She'll just get more cats...


That is exactly what I thought when I read the post!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> Absolutely. However, I feel constantly drawn in to be the saviour in all of this for her. I end it, and she prob ends. That I have a very difficult time coming to grips with. Not easy. THerefore I keep hoping that one day...one day...things will turn...


But...but...but you aren't actually DOING ANYTHING to help her get better.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't understand. When she threatened suicide, why didn't you take her to a hospital and tell them she is planning on harming herself? They can at least put her on a 72 hour watch or something. Call her Doctor....like today. I don't understand why you aren't calling anyone?

And get to a lawyer to talk about your options.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Seems you have two options here.

You can stay and be resigned to whatever will happen, but disabuse yourself of the notion that you can fix or control it, because you cannot. Nonetheless, I can certainly understand why you have no desire to completely abandon her to the street. With a paranoid schizophrenic mother and a bipolar brother, who will be living under my roof soon, I understand completely. 

Or you can decide it's not bearable and leave, and few if anyone would blame you. My sister-in-law who divorced my brother is still a family friend because everyone saw the futility of staying in an unmaintainable relationship. 

You'll have to decide which sucks less for you in the long run. All of this presupposes that your wife does not actually improve much, which is in my jaded opinion the most likely but not necessarily the only possible outcome.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> I don't understand. When she threatened suicide, why didn't you take her to a hospital and tell them she is planning on harming herself? They can at least put her on a 72 hour watch or something. Call her Doctor....like today. I don't understand why you aren't calling anyone?
> 
> And get to a lawyer to talk about your options.


She is not threatening suicide now. She is planning for it in the future...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"like how people save for large purchases."

What? I don't know who needs help more - you or her.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Seems you have two options here.
> 
> Or you can decide it's not bearable and leave, and few if anyone would blame you. My sister-in-law who divorced my brother is still a family friend because everyone saw the futility of staying in an unmaintainable relationship.
> .


Even though I tend to not believe it, this is what I have heard from her sister. You do feel though like you should never stop trying.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can certainly do that -- and let her outlive you. It's obviously up to you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well it's all been covered here the abusive threat, The need for intervention and therapy all around. 

Me, I'm just going to spend some time with my cats tonight. They aren't keeping me alive, but cat therapy is pretty good for me.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Update is she told me that she has decided we should split. But she then pleaded with me to not kick her out as she does not want to disrupt the cats. She wants to stay in the house with me for a couple of years. Then she will go. Quite the option. 

Btw thanks everyone for the comments. Much appreciated.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Staying for the sake of the cats is not a normal thing. She needs to get mental help, can you get some family members to help you convince her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sunnyroses said:


> Update is she told me that she has decided we should split. But she then pleaded with me to not kick her out as *she does not want to disrupt the cats*. She wants to stay in the house with me for a couple of years. Then she will go. Quite the option.


So you are a doormat and every bit as crazy as her. I am an animal lover. But here's the rub: She doesn't give a good cahoot if she disrupts you, but heaven forbid the cats are upset. 

What is going through my mind is why you are so completely lacking in self-esteem that you would allow this woman to manipulate her.

She wants to off herself? Get the heck out of her way. Respect her right to make her own decisions regarding HER life.

What the heck is the matter with you, man?????

I was married to a hardcore alcoholic who opted for a slow suicide. He drank himself to death and was found dead on 1/16/15. He was dead several days before he was found. According to the coroner, my husband weighed about 90 pounds when he was found. He starved himself and drank himself into the grave.

I walked out five years earlier. As someone who was manipulated by a person who had MAJOR psychological issues exacerbated by alcoholism, I must be blunt: GET OUT OR GET DRAGGED.

I assure you that you are every bit as sick as your wife. Seriously.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

You need to go back and read your posts on this thread with the mindset that you are not you, like you are reading someone elses posts. Then ask yourself if this is in anyway normal.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I assure you that you are every bit as sick as your wife. Seriously.


Most likely..when you live with it and it becomes your norm, you have no idea what reality is like outside of it at times...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Staying for the sake of the cats is not a normal thing. She needs to get mental help, can you get some family members to help you convince her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I tried myself, and family members will not convince her. She says she is fine. No one is going to get her to the Dr now, not a chance. Nor counselling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IS she in counseling?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I too had a first thought of just getting more cats. Might be the simplest of answers. However, what she is doing is a mental mind screwing to you. 

I would suggest seeking a doctors help and have her committed for evaluation. This is not remotely normal behavior. She is basically asking you to assist/participate in her suicide. That is diabolical.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why would you agree to this? Why not move on so you can try to be happy? 

C


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

PBear said:


> Why would you agree to this? Why not move on so you can try to be happy?


Simple. Sunnyroses is having a major case of denial. Not to mention the frog-in-the-warm-water-syndrome. The water gets warmer slowly. The frog is never aware of it. Then - poof! - the frog is boiled. This type of stuff sneaks up on those of us who have lived with it. Once our skin is peeling off our bodies, we suddenly jerk our heads up out of the sand and say, "WTH????"

I mean, c'mon ... why is he even posting here? Seriously.

This is someone who is dancing to the tune of the mentally ill spouse. He doesn't even see it as horrible and crazy as it really is.

So, Sunnyroses, what do you want? Support? Advice? Opinions? Just need to vent?

I'd like to know why YOU are staying. Because you don't want to give up hope? How is your dancing to her dance and sitting around waiting for her to off herself giving you hope? 

Sticking it out with someone who is manipulating you through mental illness and/or addictions is the antithesis of hope. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help her.

But it does allow you to continue to tolerate the intolerable and live with the outrageous.

Consider that.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

sunnyroses said:


> I do not think she will do anything now, her comment was simply to please wait.
> 
> I agree, but cannot see them for 2 weeks...I appreciate the random strangers


Whether or not YOU think she will do anything is sort of academic.

If she does something, it will be final. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and nothing is more final.

Even if you have to call your local Sherriff's department, you MUST do some sort of intervention.

BEST of luck!!


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