# Needing Advice from Non-vested Individuals. Please Help!



## Lonely_NP (Jan 24, 2015)

Hello

First, I want to start by saying, that I've NEVER joined any type of on-line forum, never had a blog, never made YT videos. Heck, I don't even have a Facebook! So this is new to me. I don't know what all the acronyms mean, so when responding, please keep this in mind.

A little about me: I'm a 26 year old woman currently in graduate school getting my Master's in Nursing to become a NP. I've worked hard for everything in my life. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 18 (still in high school), put myself through undergrad school, began working as a nurse, purchased my own home, and a second vehicle by the time I was 25. 

A little about my spouse: He's 38 years old. When we met (3 years ago) he (and his friends and family) explained that he was "in between jobs" because tragically, his first wife (who he had been with for 15 years) died about a year earlier. He also lived with his mother and didn't have a car. Now, normally, I would have NEVER accepted this out of a man I was dating- but everyone made it seem that prior to losing his wife in death (which I heard was EXTREMELY hard on him), he was working a good steady job (to the point where she didn't have to work), he owned his own vehicle, and he was in general a happy, productive person. So, after about 1 year of being friends, and 1 year of dating, we married.

THE ISSUES BEGIN: My husband is an extremely nice person. He's never yelled at me, disrespected me, gotten angry with me (at least outwardly), and he never says anything bad about anyone. For the sake of time (and because I'm EXTREMELY long-winded, sorry) I'll get right down to what happened literally weeks after we were married and continued on:

1. He had a job at Menard's, which he lost

2. I find out after adding him to my auto insurance, that he has a suspended license, so I get kicked off of my own coverage, AND he was driving around in MY CAR with a suspended license that he didn't tell me about.

3. Before we got married, I asked him about his debts. He said he didn't have much, just a few little things. I wasn't out to judge him. Heck! As a college student, I have TONS of student loan debt. But the difference with him is, he doesn't pay his back. He started getting letters and mail to the house (THE HOUSE THAT I PURCHASED, BTW before we were married) summoning him to court for unpaid debts.

4. Finally, I decided to do a background check on my own husband, and saw that he had many liens and judgments against him, PLUS he had already filed a bankruptcy by the time he was 27!

So weeks go by, he doesn't have a job AT ALL, and I'm working full-time, paying all the bills, AND going to graduate school.

Ok... He just needs time to adjust. So I suggest that maybe while he's looking for a job he can be a "stay at home" husband. I go to work, pay the bills. He cleans the house (its only us two!), does the laundry, and prepares meals. He agreed. Phewww. That's good, right? Well, it would be if he ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THRU with it. He NEVER follows through on ANYTHING he says he'll do. THEN- about 7 months into our marriage, he starts pulling away (emotionally and intimately) from me. around month 8, he admits that he feels like he can't be close and intimate with me because he feels in a sense that he's BETRAYING HIS DEAD WIFE!

So here I am. Part of me doesn't want to be insensitive to his loss, but the other half of me can't help but feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. He can't keep a job, when he does get one, he doesn't contribute to the household financially, he doesn't help out AROUND the house and he's emotionally distant from me. Like, he's not mean... but he doesn't go out of his way to kiss me, or ask how my day was, or anything! And guess what, if bills don't get paid, no skin off his back! The house isn't in his name and I purchased the car he drives, before we even knew each other. SO if business doesn't get handled, MY CREDIT GOES TO CRAP, not his. I LOSE MY HOUSE, he didn't have one to begin with anyway! So I'm forced to continue to be the sole provider for my household, even though my husband is a perfectly health, 38 year old, young man. We don't have kids, he doesn't have a sickly parent to care for, I just don't get it!

Oh! And in case you were wondering, he has no schooling/training past high school. When he was working (before we were married), it was a good paying factory job. The problem is, he can't get a job like that anymore, and he refuses to go get any additional training to do something else.

I want to divorce him, because I feel like I was deceived about the type of person he is, but due to my respect for marriage, and strongly held religious beliefs, divorce is not an option- because (to my knowledge), he hasn't been unfaithful.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking down the road. He has nothing, I have a $40,000/year job, 2 cars, and a home. When I graduate next year, I'll have a $90,000/year job, 2 cars, and a home. I fear that if our marriage does eventually end, that he would be entitled to HALF of everything that I WORKED HARD FOR and he didn't contribute a DAMN THING towards!

I've tried EVERYTHING! I've tried to get him to go to doctor's and counselors for depression and maybe dysfunctional grieving, We've spoken to our elders, I've pleaded with him... I was so fed up with it, that I even tried to commit suicide 2 months ago (I've seen a doctor since and I'm on medication)

So now... I feel like I'm just trapped. I don't know what to do. I want to try living together, separately, but I don't know how that would work. I'm just so disappointed that HE got to be married to the love of his life for over a decade, and now my first marriage is with someone who thinks giving me his leftovers is sufficient. I want to be loved too! I want to feel special too! I want to be appreciated too! Instead, I get to put a roof over his head, and finance his life, with nothing in return.

I feel so STUPID that I even got myself into this situation. We've only been married for 14 months.


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## LostHope33 (Jan 23, 2015)

From the sound of things, you already know what you need to do, you just need to do it. 

It sounds as though he wasn't ready to be married so soon after his wife passed. If he had his own vehicles before as you say - what happened to them? 

Your religion may frown upon divorce, which I get, you want to try to make it work for the sake of being married...but at the end of the day, you have do what you feel is right in your heart, and in your head as to what will make YOU happy! You can't rely on him to make you happy if you are already unhappy and contemplating suicide over this man. That's unhealthy for you.

If you're worried about him not having anywhere to go, I'm sure his parents would let him move back in, but as you've stated - he is a healthy 38 year old - he should be able to survive on his own. You are not his mother - you are his wife. And if can't respect you as that, he doesn't deserve to have you. You're not his doormat to bring all of his baggage with and dump on you.

My advice...seek help from an attorney who will make sure he gets nothing that was yours to start, and go through with the divorce. 

And I know from personal experience at the moment, thinking it and talking about it is WAY easier than actually going through it and filing the papers.

Best of luck to you...


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## Lonely_NP (Jan 24, 2015)

I've actually already filed for the divorce... and a sufficient amount of time has passed where I could file the final documents at anytime. The thing is (again, going back to my spirituality), that if I did go through with the divorce, according to the Bible, I would not be free to remarry. Now I know this isn't the "Spirituality & Relationships" section, so I actually don't really want comments on how I should or shouldn't interpret the Bible, or how religion is a man-made institution that was designed to control people. So, let's just suffice it to say, that yes- I could go through with filing. But then I'd be a 26-year old, childless, primary care nurse practitioner, with no future prospects of ever getting married again. Sure- I could ignore my religious convictions and get married anyway- but then I'd have an extremely guilty conscience. That's why I say I feel trapped. If I stay (or allow him to stay, rather), I'm being walked on like a doormat. BTW- this is due to him being EXTREMELY unmotivated and lazy. If I were to take the car from him, he wouldn't even argue with me. He'd say "Ok- but you know I can't make it to work now, right?" And then he'd get fired. And then blame ME for taking the car from him as to why he's not contributing to the household. I do I know this? I've done it before. Also- I've asked him to leave in the past. He simply looked at me and said "ok." Backed some clothes, left, and didn't contact me, attempt to contact me, or respond to any of my text messages for OVER A MONTH! Its like he doesn't care if he's married to me or not. And yes- I could leave, but that would leave him satisfied and me single for the rest of my life.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Marriage is a commitment (before God in a lot of cases) to love the person & commit to love them & be there for them. It sounds to me like he is not holding up his end of the commitment. Infidelity cannot possibly be the only deal breaker for a marriage - what about physical violence? Emotional abuse? No longer loving the other person? He did already say that he can't love you because he is still in love with his previous wife. 

I think that you should pray on it. It's not like you are thinking of leaving a perfectly loving husband, you are thinking about leaving a marriage lacking love, which is one of the terms of this commitment. I'm not religious, but praying will bring you the answer or reassurance that you need. You are a child of God, and God would never want to see you miserable throughout your life because your husband isn't upholding his part of the commitment.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Seek out your priest for a little guidance here. But it seems to me that while he may not have been unfaithful in the sense of another woman he has broken the covenant of marriage in entering into one knowingly obscuring information from you.


Edit - Typically, any assets you held prior to marriage are protected, as long as you don't add his name to those assets or commingle the funds, profits, proceeds, etc. He would probable be eligible to receive his portion of the equity during the marriage. So half of whatever payments went to the real property would be his. This is because it's widely accepted that the money would typically land in a joint account that would have 50/50 ownership, otherwise. Talk with your lawyer on that point though. Every situation has it's own unique circumstances.


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## Lonely_NP (Jan 24, 2015)

Thank you all for your input


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## tippingpoint (Jan 6, 2015)

Speaking as someone married over 20 years, by my standards (newlyweds, no kids) you two are only a step or two beyond dating. Break this off, don't drag it out, make a new life for yourself. Think about where you see yourself 5 years from now-------debt free and in a healthy relationship or saddled to a dishonest deadbeat?


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## pokuakn (Feb 5, 2015)

I feel he has committed adultery - by biblical standards, by still being in love with his ex-wife and even admitting to it. The scripture says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart". - (NIV, Matthew 5:27-28)

I think it is fair to say he has looked at his ex-wife lustfully, feels still bound to her in love, and considers his marriage to you as unfaithful to her! Logically and biblical, he has committed adultery against you by longing and wanting his ex-wife. So you should be guilt-free in your pursuit of divorce. And you should be able to re-marry if you get the chance.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Look to your elders for guidance and explain the situation to them.
You may be able to get this annulled. He just isnt what he said he was.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Your H is immature and selfish. You need to ask yourself the following:

If you asked him to change, will he? Is he willing and capable of doing so? Does he WANT to (never mind that he needs to)?

If the answer is no, then you'd be better off living single and never marrying again than living out the rest of your days with this man.

How many days will you spend waiting and wishing for something to be different? Don't throw your life and happiness away because you feel you should remain tied to him, no matter what your reason.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your should get a divorce based on your husbands lack of anything redeeming.

If your religious principles do not allow that, then that's your personal decison. But if that's the course you go, you have to live with your choice and not expect things to get better.


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## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

What are you getting from him that you would ever miss if you went through with the divorce? I think you'd be better off single than having to drag this boat anchor of a deadbeat husband around the rest of your life.

Furthermore, I'm sure that eventually your conscience could be put at ease and you could allow yourself to be happy once you meet someone who actually loves you and adds value to your life.


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