# EVERYTHING I Do Is On Purpose?!



## Sanddollar (Jan 2, 2015)

Hi everyone, new here....
Really upset this morning and at my wits end!

My husband seems to think everything I do is intentional or malicious. For example, something ridiculous... almost every night he steals the covers and they end up wrapped around his body and tucked under his arm. I'm left shivering. A few times I've tugged the blankets hard enough he's woken up, and of course, it wasn't because I was sleep-deprived and frustrated, it was because I was "intentionally" trying to wake him up. I'm "jealous because I can't sleep, and trying to wake him up." Just ridiculous, right?! I'm a teacher, who's up and in the classroom many times by 6:30-6:45 am. The last thing I want to do is waste my night keeping him awake.

Any time we argue or have a disagreement, whatever he's angry about, he believes I've done it on purpose or was trying to be malicious, spiteful, etc, when in reality maybe I got a little snappy (I work from 6:30-5:00 and I'm dealing with Common Core!) or didn't think before I said something stupid. I don't get it? I have nothing but good intentions and desire for a healthy marriage. I'm a very loving person and I avoid confrontation when I can. Any disagreement with anyone can leave me in tears. The last thing I want to do cause a big fight!

The worst part about this situation is the retaliation. He thinks if I've done something on purpose he can nasty back to me. Like the blankets issue this morning (Stupid issue, but I'm still upset over this!) He was angry, saying "I'm sick, and you keep purposely taking these covers off of me. You're not letting me sleep!" Then, every time I would drift back off, he would actually intentionally rip the covers off of me. The kicker, is that I'm sick too! So thankful for Christmas Break. In other situations, he thinks whatever I've "maliciously, intentionally, " done is justification for him to yell, call me names, and just say very hurtful things. I'm dealt back ten-fold, whatever stupid thing I've said or fussed about. Any suggestions?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sounds like he has anger issues. His anger sounds irrational, and it is something he has to deal with. Anger wants to be understood and have it acknowledged. His irrationality is keeping him from listening to you. If you can calmly espress what happened in a matter of fact kind of way, and if he stills express anger, you have to disengage. He is not willing to be an active participant.

Perhaps you should get another blanket. It will solve that issue at the very least.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Buy a second blanket.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Buying another blanket is going to put a band-aid on a gaping wound .

Your husband feels your marriage is a contest, and he's determined to win. He sounds passive-aggressive or just straight out aggressive. Does he act this way around other people?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Definitely buy another blanket. Why waste so much mental energy on this particular item?

As for the general statement: 100% of what you do and how you act is your choice, just as 100% of what your husband does and how he acts is his choice.

He's responsible for how he acts toward you and you are responsible for how you act toward him.

Everything you do is "on purpose".

So if you are snappy, that's your fault. If he's angry, childish, that's his fault.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Buying another blanket is going to put a band-aid on a gaping wound .
> 
> Your husband feels your marriage is a contest, and he's determined to win. He sounds passive-aggressive or just straight out aggressive. Does he act this way around other people?


Band-aids stop the bleeding so it's an accurate metaphor. But the wound needs tended as well else it's pointless.

Sanddollar, it takes two to tango no matter which one leads the dance. In other words, you're play a part and can change that part. Have you heard of a book called "divorce busters". I think it's a really good book for changing dynamics like you're talking about.

Good luck.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

The blanket is a band aid, sure, but what the heck is the point of fighting over ONE blanket when she can go out and buy another one? That's kind of petty. That's not helping the situation at all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sanddollar said:


> My husband seems to think *everything I do *is intentional or malicious.
> 
> I'm a very loving person and I avoid confrontation when I can. Any disagreement with anyone can leave me in tears. The last thing I want to do cause a big fight!
> 
> ... he thinks whatever I've "maliciously, intentionally, " done is justification for him to yell, call me names, and just say very hurtful things. I'm dealt back ten-fold, whatever stupid thing I've said or fussed about. Any suggestions?


Yeah. Ask yourself why you are married to an abuser. 

I'm only getting your side of the story, and I have to be honest ... it sounds a bit skewed.

"Everything" you do is intentionally malicious. Everything? You are a loving person who is non-confrontational. Your husband sounds like a first cousin to Godzilla.

It takes two people to trash a marriage. So if you are a kind, loving wife to a snarling maniac, perhaps you should question why you are in this particular relationship. Seriously.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The accusation of being intentional or malicious could be his go-to card to be as mean & nasty as he wants to be. He now has an excuse to vent his meanness & anger.

Turn it around on him and when he issues an accusation, fling it right back at him. For instance, you could have accused him of being intentionally malicious for stealing the covers when he knows your sick. All spoken calmly and softly. What's good for the goose works for the gander, too.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Resentment is a two way street. Also, arguing with a groggy, half-sleeping person is usually unproductive.

Don't you have any spare blankets? Use one for your side of the bed. Rather than complain about the things that are bothering him, if you really genuinely had good intentions and desired a healthy relationship, find a way to solve the trivial issues instead of holding onto it like you have with his accusations of you deliberately yanking the covers off of him at night.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Lon said:


> Resentment is a two way street. Also, arguing with a groggy, half-sleeping person is usually unproductive.
> 
> Don't you have any spare blankets? Use one for your side of the bed. Rather than complain about the things that are bothering him, if you really genuinely had good intentions and desired a healthy relationship, find a way to solve the trivial issues instead of holding onto it like you have with his accusations of you deliberately yanking the covers off of him at night.


I agree with getting your own blankets for your side of the bed, you at least need decent sleep. However, I dont feel that ANYONE should have to tiptoe around their spouse trying not poke the bear over trivial bullsh!t issues. I agree that he accuses you of being deliberate in upsetting him so that he has an excuse to continue to act like an ass. You need to decide if this is the way you wish to live your life for the next 30 years...sounds like you need marriage counseling at the very least. Life is too short to live in misery.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> I agree with getting your own blankets for your side of the bed, you at least need decent sleep. However, *I dont feel that ANYONE should have to tiptoe around their spouse trying not poke the bear over trivial bullsh!t issues. I agree that he accuses you of being deliberate in upsetting him so that he has an excuse to continue to act like an ass.* You need to decide if this is the way you wish to live your life for the next 30 years...sounds like you need marriage counseling at the very least. Life is too short to live in misery.


Yes it's a cycle of resentment that won't stop until one or the other actually does something to stop it. But I think it's more a matter of individual awareness than it is a matter of tiptoeing around or poking bears.

Like Starfish suggests, it's like a competition, but it's not not just her H that is determined to win. I also think it is much more simple than having to go to marriage counselling and working at communication - it's about one or the other (in this case Sanddollar since she is the one here seeking help to improve her relationship) just figuring out how to give up the resentment and accept their spouse for who they are.

Easier said than done, but like you said tiptoeing around doesn't solve anything, and while he may be the bigger ass, it will fester for as long as either of them can withstand it, and when it reaches the limit that's when it will change - being aware of this and cutting it off by changing her own thoughts and actions before then will give Sanddollar the power to actually cut it off long before it gets that way is her only fix.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

Would you be willing to share some more info about your situation? How old are you? How long have you been married? Do you have any children together?

Thanks,
Kerry


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Get the book "Love busters" and see if you can see your marraige in the first three of the busters . If so, good luck on fixing it or otherwise your life will only get more miserable. You need to set your boundaries now. How long have you been together? if not very long, there is still chance to overcome it, if he is willing to work on it too.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If the poster was male, and it was about a wife exhibiting this kind of weird behavior, I'd bet hard cash someone would suggest he was BPD and to get him to a mental health professional rather than suggest she "give up the resentment" and "simply accept him for who he is." Or to fundamentally change who she is to live with it.

And there wouldn't be all of these suggestions about how she's triggering him or contributing by fighting back against accusation or insanity. Or that "it takes two to tango." 

I agree with 3Xnocharm. You all seem to just except this is a normal way to behave and that it should be tolerated. This isn't a "Love Busters" issue. (IE - can you please stop being kind of crazy and unpredictable with a hair trigger.) This doesn't sound like something that can be solved by reading a book. This requires counseling and professional intervention.

It would honestly bother and concern me about someone who gets that upset over such small things. Because what's the next escalation point? Violence?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If the poster were male, there would be an avalanche of posters insisting the spouse was in an affair. Then the game would be afoot.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> If the poster was male, and it was about a wife exhibiting this kind of weird behavior, I'd bet hard cash someone would suggest he was BPD and to get him to a mental health professional rather than suggest she "give up the resentment" and "simply accept him for who he is." Or to fundamentally change who she is to live with it.
> 
> And there wouldn't be all of these suggestions about how she's triggering him or contributing by fighting back against accusation or insanity. Or that "it takes two to tango."
> 
> ...


Absolutely this is a normal way for both sides to behave when they are holding onto resentment.

This whole problem has entirely to do with resentment, mutual resentment. They are both being stubborn about being asses to each other, and both have come up with justifications and excuses that are doing nothing to actually fix the problem and connect with each other mentally.

It very well could lead to physical violence, mutual physical violence, if they just let it fester by continuing to just do nothing but complain and refuse to see the other spouse's point of view.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What exactly in the OP implies to you that something that the husband is holding onto resentment about is legitimate?

How do you fix being connected with someone who feels that all ills that befall them are being purposefully caused and are attacks on their person? Sorry, if that's not classic narcissism or BPD or some sort of paranoia, I don't know what is. 

So, what point of view there would you agree to? Yes, I'm doing all of these things on purpose, and I'm sorry. (Gives the power to continue acting like a douche) or sorry, I don't agree to continue to be blamed with trivial things you are that upset with.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Next, he'll say you wrote to TAM on purpose.

Have him read the book cover to cover. Then grow the F up.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Some people always seem to need to be the ones to get the last word in. It's like my kids. They are ten and two but still find ways to antagonize each other. Sibling rivalry has begun! The other day oldest threw a sock at youngest. Youngest got mad and threw a sock back. This went back and forth a couple of times with both of them getting more irritated at each other. 

My oldest child is a "last word" kind of person. He feels it gives him the upper hand or like he's won if he's the last one to argue or in this case - throw a sock at his brother. In reality it just escalated and perpetuated their little tiff. 

Point is, with people like that, you need to not engage. It's pretty hard to fight with oneself so that's where I think people are saying it takes two. In my example above, had my oldest just stopped throwing the sock at his little brother once his brother threw it back, their little fight would have been over in seconds, instead of the minutes it took and the eventual intervention by me to stop it. 

So maybe when your husband is lashing out irrationally - not to patronize him but see him like the two year old he is behaving like. Just disengage. It doesn't give him the upper hand that you withdraw or refuse to engage in petty disagreements. 

As for always thinking that you're acting out of malice. He sounds paranoid. Perhaps he's projecting. Some people are vindictive when they feel they are wronged. My own spouse has struggled with this and still growing out of it. He is not a very trusting person it's a defense mechanism. I on the other hand, tend to be more trusting...sometimes to the point of naivity but I digress. So he thought similarly about me if I unintentionally did something that hurt him - that there was an ulterior motive or something behind it, where in reality it was usually a lack of foresight on my part. 

I think the best approach to deal with this is similar to my initial advice of not engaging in the fight. Rather I would add, don't explain yourself. 

I repeat: DON'T EXPLAIN YOURSELF. 

Your marriage is not a court of law. You don't need to justify your actions or prove your intent each and every time. You can't control what your husband thinks. If he chooses to see you as a malicious person, that's his bag to carry. Only you really know what your intent was/was not. So let go of needing to prove yourself virtuous to him. If you say you are, believe that you are, you are. Let that be enough. In time you will see him quite silly for not recognizing that.

If he accuses you of being malicious tell him you were not and then drop it. Don't explain seven different ways through Sunday about how loving and pure you are and yadda, yadda, yadda. The only one who can change his mind is him. IIWY, I'd simply say, "I'm sorry you were hurt/angry/felt ___ when I did ____. It wasn't my intent to make you feel that way." and then I'd drop it.

If you are also a last-word kind of person you may not think this is good advice or that it's even weak... on the contrary, it can be quite liberating not to have to justify and explain away or prove yourself worthy at every whim. For me it was a huge confidence booster to get off of that crazy train and let my choices and actions speak for themselves.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> The accusation of being intentional or malicious could be his go-to card to be as mean & nasty as he wants to be. He now has an excuse to vent his meanness & anger.


I agree with this.

However I wouldn't turn it around... instead demonstrate how you expect to be treated. That might mean _not_ avoiding confrontation. 

As for the blanket itself, how about gently waking him and quietly saying 'Babe, it's cold, I need some of that blanket back' rather than yanking it back over. Give him the opportunity to lovingly cover you with that blanket in response.

Get well soon. When you're both unwell and tired, it's not a great setting for working out issues.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

There are two types of posters here: those who assume "both sides do it" and those who see pathology here, mostly because they have lived or still live through it. If you haven't been in relationship like this you simply won't get it. That you never know when your words or intentions get twisted and create a war out of nothing. You start living on a mine field, sparkled with cherry trees on good days.

The first three chapters of love busters are basically about this kind of behavior, escalating, and are called by the author as abusive. I think this reading this might be a real eye opener for the OP. Of course, counseling and marital counseling recommended. In the shorter relationship there still might be a chance if he gets how damaging his behavior is, and if her resentments haven't already killed her feelings for him.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Sanddollar said:


> Hi everyone, new here....
> Really upset this morning and at my wits end!
> 
> My husband seems to think everything I do is intentional or malicious. For example, something ridiculous... almost every night he steals the covers and they end up wrapped around his body and tucked under his arm. I'm left shivering. A few times I've tugged the blankets hard enough he's woken up, and of course, it wasn't because I was sleep-deprived and frustrated, it was because I was "intentionally" trying to wake him up. I'm "jealous because I can't sleep, and trying to wake him up." Just ridiculous, right?! I'm a teacher, who's up and in the classroom many times by 6:30-6:45 am. The last thing I want to do is waste my night keeping him awake.
> ...


I would buy a new blanket so that at least you can both get a good nights sleep. It sounds like he needs some therapy. He is making assumptions about your intentions that do not seem to be accurate. Sounds like something he needs to deal with. It's not good to get snappy with family. I know it happens but it can hurt people's feelings. It sounds like he is reading more into it than is really there, though.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

The blanket issue is an easy one to resolve, have more than one. you can each have your own and that way no one has to fight over one.

If though he is faulting you and saying you are doing things intentionally then I think you have another issue at hand. Are you each pointing fingers and neither taking responsibility?? Or are you actually trying to communicate with him and he is cutting you off and blaming you?

Could be that he is trying to over-power you, control you, out you in your place or it could very well be that he sees you as the person to fault and he might believe it. Do you find him compassionate or does he lack the ability? Many people who have to have control and lack compassion for others are considered narcissistic. That might be something to google.

I hope this merely a communication and compromise issue.


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