# Need advice desperately!!



## veronic (Jan 24, 2013)

Hi all,
I have been married twenty years. I had a brief affair last year where I slept with a guy for 8 times - it lasted for 4 months. Then I stopped it, realized what was wrong and went into fixing my marriage. We went counseling, and things are awesome since then. 

I haven't told my husband so far but now it's haunting me, making me feel guilty. I think what I did was wrong, i should deal with consequences and take more responsibility. He has a right to know what a real person I am, then it'll be his decision to live with me or not. But again, I have young kids - so it might break our marriage, it will hurt him too much..

So, please advise..i'm so confused!!!

Thanks in advance,
V


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

You should let it go. You made a mistake, and you made reparation for that mistake. Don't blow your marriage up to assuage your guilty conscience.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

janefw said:


> you should let it go. You made a mistake, and you made reparation for that mistake. Don't blow your marriage up to assuage your guilty conscience.


worst advice ever!!!!!!!!!


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> worst advice ever!!!!!!!!!


In your opinion.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You don't tell him to relieve yourself. You tell him because he deserves to know. He has been living a lie for the past however long. The longer you don't tell him the worse it will be for him when he finds out. He also deserves to know why his wife hasn't been his wife. Because you haven't.

Did you use protection? If not have you been STD tested?


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Oh what a tangled web we weave.....

So why does spouse think you are in counseling ?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You can tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they fall.

You can take it to your grave and let it eat you alive and he'll probably never find out.

You can take it to your grave but he finds out years later and thinks that the past XX years has all been lies and you've been a cheater from day 1.

Sometimes you gotta pay the piper for your mistakes.

BTW, that wasn't a brief affair, just to let you know. And you think what you did was wrong???

How about "I KNOW what I did was wrong."

The truth will set you free.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yep, in my opinion. If she didn't want my opinion she wouldn't have posted


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

It's time to face the music. He deserves to know. Do not take away his rights to know and make informed decisions for himself. Please, it's just not fair.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

No she wants your opinion on what she should do - not your opinion on my opinion.

Hope, I really respect you and enjoy your posts, but I would prefer to have respect for my opinion also, which is based upon the damage that might be done to her children, if the marriage breaks down. Is it worth that damage to little children, for her to assuage her guilt?


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## veronic (Jan 24, 2013)

well, we were not close, he had anger issues and he was blaming me for everything that was going wrong in our lives..I felt lonely, I talked to him, he changed for a day then again going back to himself..it was creating a distance between us.

I just thought there is some else out there who will protect me, love me and hence had an affair..There I realized, what am I doing? And I convinced my husband for counseling..and he started working on his anger..

I know what I did was wrong..but here is my dilemma, I know he has a right to know but it will hurt him deeply, it will break our marriage and it will effect kids as well.

I think that everyone is responsible for our own actions, I'll definitely face consequences for my actions sooner or later,God will punish me somehow.. I have to face that, no running from there but if my husband is happy in his life..why hurt him? I understood my mistake and will NEVER do that, so why hurt him - I'm changed person too..

So, i'm trying to understand - why exactly I want to tell him? to relieve guilt or stay with principles and tell the truth?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

veronic said:


> Hi all,
> I have been married twenty years. I had a brief affair last year where I slept with a guy for 8 times - it lasted for 4 months. Then I stopped it, realized what was wrong and went into fixing my marriage. We went counseling, and things are awesome since then.
> 
> I haven't told my husband so far but now it's haunting me, making me feel guilty. I think what I did was wrong, i should deal with consequences and take more responsibility. He has a right to know what a real person I am, then it'll be his decision to live with me or not. But again, I have young kids - so it might break our marriage, it will hurt him too much..
> ...


I lost a friend over the advice I'm going to give you last year. She and her husband were on the verge of divorce, and then chose to reconcile and 'work' on it. I know of her affairs and told her if she truly wanted to reconcile with her husband that she would need to come clean about her activities. It's absolutely NOT right to present to him a false image, even if she thinks it will cause him distress. They have 4 children. She cut all contact off with me and I haven't spoken to her since I told her my opinion.

If you truly are 100% committed to working on your marriage then you'll tell your husband the absolute TRUTH about you. He should know what you've exposed himself to physically, and he should know the real you. When you chose to step outside of your marriage, you essentially gave away any control over the consequences of your actions. 

Do the right thing and tell him. You've been selfish enough with the affairs.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

veronic said:


> Hi all,
> I have been married twenty years. I had a brief affair last year where I slept with a guy for 8 times - it lasted for 4 months. Then I stopped it, realized what was wrong and went into fixing my marriage. We went counseling, and things are awesome since then.
> 
> I haven't told my husband so far but now it's haunting me, making me feel guilty. I think what I did was wrong, i should deal with consequences and take more responsibility. He has a right to know what a real person I am, then it'll be his decision to live with me or not. But again, I have young kids - so it might break our marriage, it will hurt him too much..
> ...



You don't suddenly realize something is wrong after you've done it for four months. I don't know exactly what woke you up to what you were doing; maybe the sex didn't live up to the anticipation, maybe he broke it off, but I have a hard time believing that you were able to rationalize breaking your marriage vows eight times physically (you haven't really said to what degree the EA occurred) and then suddenly found Jesus.

The problem you face is that you didn't come clean immediately. If you tell your husband, which you totally should no matter the consequences, all of the good times since that rough patch will be for naught. They'll just be part of the affair, since the lying has been constant since that time. Nonetheless, your husband deserves the truth.


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## veronic (Jan 24, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I lost a friend over the advice I'm going to give you last year. She and her husband were on the verge of divorce, and then chose to reconcile and 'work' on it. I know of her affairs and told her if she truly wanted to reconcile with her husband that she would need to come clean about her activities. It's absolutely NOT right to present to him a false image, even if she thinks it will cause him distress. They have 4 children. She cut all contact off with me and I haven't spoken to her since I told her my opinion.
> 
> If you truly are 100% committed to working on your marriage then you'll tell your husband the absolute TRUTH about you. He should know what you've exposed himself to physically, and he should know the real you. When you chose to step outside of your marriage, you essentially gave away any control over the consequences of your actions.
> 
> Do the right thing and tell him. You've been selfish enough with the affairs.


I know what I did was wrong..but here is my dilemma, I know he has a right to know but it will hurt him deeply, it will break our marriage and it will effect kids as well.

I think that everyone is responsible for their own actions, I'll definitely face consequences for my actions sooner or later,God will punish me somehow.. I have to face that, no running from there but if my husband is happy in his life..why hurt him? I understood my mistake and will NEVER do that, so why hurt him - I'm changed person now..


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

V, let's say you don't say anything at all and continue with life. Then suddenly, x amount of years later he finds out the truth. ALL that time since the beginning of the R will be nothing in his mind. He'll resent you and feel as though he'd wasted all that time. Imagine for just a moment, what that would look like. Again, please tell him.


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## veronic (Jan 24, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> You don't suddenly realize something is wrong after you've done it for four months. I don't know exactly what woke you up to what you were doing; maybe the sex didn't live up to the anticipation, maybe he broke it off, but I have a hard time believing that you were able to rationalize breaking your marriage vows eight times physically (you haven't really said to what degree the EA occurred) and then suddenly found Jesus.
> 
> The problem you face is that you didn't come clean immediately. If you tell your husband, which you totally should no matter the consequences, all of the good times since that rough patch will be for naught. They'll just be part of the affair, since the lying has been constant since that time. Nonetheless, your husband deserves the truth.


Yes, I found Gos!! I became very spiritual, starting reading spiritual books..that's what changed my heart and mind and i paid attention to my mariage.. And I broke up with him..I realized God has created this marriage and if we cannot love one person unconditionally in the world then i cannot do anything..that's why I started showing affection to my husband, convinced him for counseling etc..and love and kindness is powerful..


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It will be a lot worse if he finds out through someone else. If it was a one nighter then I would maybe say don't tell but this was a LTR. It's whatever you can live with, but if he finds out....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

veronic said:


> I know what I did was wrong..but here is my dilemma, I know he has a right to know but it will hurt him deeply, it will break our marriage and it will effect kids as well.
> 
> I think that everyone is responsible for their own actions, I'll definitely face consequences for my actions sooner or later,God will punish me somehow.. I have to face that, no running from there but* if my husband is happy in his life..why hurt him?* I understood my mistake and will NEVER do that, so why hurt him - I'm changed person now..


I'm of this opinion on the bolded...

If you were really concerned about hurting your husband then maybe you wouldn't have the dilemma. Cause and effect. You set something in motion that you no longer have control over by making poor decisions. And you DID hurt him, he just doesn't know HOW MUCH. The rabbit hole goes deeper than he's aware, and woe to you when he finds out how deceitful you really have been. You're not who he thinks you are. 

So can you present yourself as a false image of a wife to him indefinitely? If you can then you're good. I couldn't live with myself knowing every day I was lying to my #1 love in the world. I would feel he would deserve the truth about me. I would feel I owed it to him to be honest. 

I also look at it like this, the day I layed down with any other man was the day I gave up any control over what happens next. It's out of my hands. The worst scenario I can think of is that your husband would find out about your activities on his own. That would be a truly awful day.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

One problem with "not telling" is what will happen when he finds out by some other method, at a latter time. Can one be sure all evidence will stay hidden and all parties will be discrete under any circumstances, forever. 

"A secret is only a secret when it is unspoken to another"

The other problem is a guilty conscience eats away at ones soul.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

janefw said:


> No she wants your opinion on what she should do - not your opinion on my opinion.
> 
> Hope, I really respect you and enjoy your posts, but I would prefer to have respect for my opinion also, which is based upon the damage that might be done to her children, if the marriage breaks down. Is it worth that damage to little children, for her to assuage her guilt?


I do not agree whatsoever with ever keeping infidelity a secret from the BS. Ever. And I do not agree that a marriage breaking up is such a horrible thing to have happen. Sorry if I came across bluntly about that.

It is impossible for her to be the best parent she can be keeping such a secret, and it is impossible for their marriage to be the best it can be. And such things do not always result in the break up of the marriage. Experiences of infidelity can even result in better marriages in the long run. We don't know what his reaction might be.

Lying to your spouse like that for months and years does nothing but poison things. And when he finds out in ten years, what then?? Then she's lied to him for ten years, not just a few months.

Nope, keeping such a secret is NEVER a good idea. Ever.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You mention your husband has anger issues, is he abusive?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

veronic said:


> I'm changed person now..


No you're not. You are still LYING to him. You haven't changed at all. Your marriage is a lie.


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## veronic (Jan 24, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> You mention your husband has anger issues, is he abusive?


he was..not any more..


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Never mind - it's been done


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Based upon my experience, you should definitely find the time and the place to tell your husband. You say your marriage is "great" yet you're consumed with guilt. Telling your husband the truth is as much for you as it is for him. He deserves the truth and you deserve to be honest.

My wife and I were in false R for almost 3 years because she allowed me to think that her PA was just an EA. Eventually, the guilt and secrecy killed any chance at TRUE R. I suspected and my wife withdrew. It's very possible that your husband suspects, in his gut.

Find a way to show him that you want to stay in the marriage but that you need to be truthful. It's going to be painful for both of you. But you can't build a marriage on a shaky foundation. And the secret of your affair is going to eventually destroy anything you've built. The longer you wait, the more your marriage is going to be built on a set of lies.

Find a way to be honest and move forward, honestly.


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## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

I think that if you do not tell him and you keep it a secret then the guilt will eat you alive. If you got away with it once, why cant you get away with it twice, or three times?

By telling him you cheated, you are holding yourself accountable to your actions. He will probably never trust you again the way he did before but that may actually help you stop from cheating again.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

V, if you're feeling guilty enough already to come here for advice, how guilty do you think you'll feel another 6 months from now?

A year from now?

5 years?

10?


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

I would say tell. 

But I would also say -- this relationship is not bringing out the best in you. If he is truly abusive, you met that abuse with abusiveness of your own -- you cheated on him. Infidelity is abuse. 

If you want an honest, authentic relationship, you need to come clean with him. Just like you expect him to come clean with you, and dig deep and stop his abusive angry behavior. And are you sure he's that way? You're not trumping up his faults to excuse what you did, and why you won't tell him? 

If he's truly abusive -- and you're abusive -- maybe the best thing is to part ways. At the very least, see if you can save this for your kids sake and work hard at the therapy. But for therapy to work, you have to tell the truth. 

I just don't see this marriage lasting if you can't be real with him. You're trying to control the outcome by withholding information. It's human, but it's also the wrong way to be. 

People do reconcile (I don't recommend it, personally). People have forgiven and over come worse. But by not telling, you're taking your husband's choice away from him.


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## veronic (Jan 24, 2013)

WhatASituation said:


> V, let's say you don't say anything at all and continue with life. Then suddenly, x amount of years later he finds out the truth. ALL that time since the beginning of the R will be nothing in his mind. He'll resent you and feel as though he'd wasted all that time. Imagine for just a moment, what that would look like. Again, please tell him.


I understand your point and I agree too..on the other note, i will delay hurting him for another 10 years and our marriage might be more stronger by then, will have happy last 10 years and at that time it will look like an ancient history? I don't know?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Are you still seeing a counselor? I firmly believe that you need to be honest with your husband, but with the past abuse I think you should work with a counselor/clergy to determine the best (safest) way to do so.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

veronic said:


> Yes, I found Gos!! I became very spiritual, starting reading spiritual books..that's what changed my heart and mind and i paid attention to my mariage.. And I broke up with him..I realized God has created this marriage and if we cannot love one person unconditionally in the world then i cannot do anything..that's why I started showing affection to my husband, convinced him for counseling etc..and love and kindness is powerful..












I may be wrong, but I'm going to be totally honest with you: I have a really difficult time swallowing your motivations. From your narrative it just seems to me that when you wanted greener grass, your marriage was just an afterthought but when you realized that your husband would likely leave you, that you could lose your home, your financial security, and unfettered access to your children, suddenly the spiritual card is played and marriage becomes a divinely-instituted institution that you'll do anything to protect, even persist in lying to your husband that the infidelity even happened in the first place. So, according to your "spirituality", infidelity is evil but deceiving your spouse about the fundamental nature of the marriage itself (i.e., that you had *not* forsaken all others, as you both promised to do) is fine.

That's not spirituality, that's desperation.


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