# will my husband change his mind about having kids or should i divorce him?



## ReadyForAChange (May 22, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. In the beginning of our relationship he told me that he wanted to have kids and a family with me.
Our marriage hasn't been great. We love each other and care for one another. The only big problem we have that has taken a big toll in our marriage is our constant arguing. We can get along well but sometimes we argue over the stupidest things. We both have horrible tempers, I have a short fuge temper and he holds grudges for a long time (he can go days and weeks without talking to me and ignoring me) and sometimes needs to get away from me in order to avoid bigger problems. This constant arguing drove us to the point of separation and filing for divorce. Whe have been separated for 2 months but we have been trying to fix our marriage. We are now discussing getting back together, but there are some things we are discussing to see if we really want to stay with each other or we should just walk away from it right now. Well one of those issues is having kids. I want kids but he says he his feeling is that he doesn't want kids right now. His reason for not wanting kids right now is because our marriage is not great and I agree with him. I have told him that I do not want kids right now being our current situation but I do want some in the future. My problem is that I can't seem to get a straight answer from him on this issue. I have told him to tell me "I do not want kids today or in the future" but he refuses to say that because he claims that his feeling MIGHT change in the future. He says that people's feeling change and he MIGHT too. 
I wish he would give me a straight answer so I can make a decision. Right now his answer is giving me hopes that one day we will have kids because he MIGHT change his feelings about wanting kids. What if his feelings never change, then what? What if we stay together for years and I'm still hoping he will change his feelings but then realize they will never change? Then I will be old and I will either resent him for the rest of my life or end up divorcing him anyways. I will then try to find someone who does want kids and the right man. By then I will probably be too old to even have kids.
I'm so confused right now. I know my desires to have kids and a family are so strong and they will never change. I want to experience what it feels like to have a little child of your own, whom you can love and protect with your whole life.

ADDITIONAL INFO: My husband says another reason why he doesn't want kids if because he doesn't want to go through the whole custody and child support again, or having to suffer from being told he cannot see his kid again. I understand his fears I have seen with my own two eyes how he has had to fight for his child's custody and all the money spent in lawyers and court costs. He's been through a lot because of how spiteful his ex was using his child against him as pawn. I have told him I won't do this to him but he says people change.

Has anyone else been through this???


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Please don't.. My husband and I had the same problem, I shouldn't have insisted or make him choose between losing me or having a baby. I regret that decision now that he left me. Stay with him, he might change his mind. And if he doesn't at least, you have him. Husband and wife should stay together for life, even if you have a child, your child will grow up one day and find his/her mate. Stick with yours! 

Just my advice because I was in the same dilemma before and if only someone was caring enough to give me this advice, I will probably be still with my husband and we might even be TTC right now.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Maybe give it a time limit and see where you are when you reach there


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Question:

Who left when you separated?


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

have you guys sought some professional counseling or help !


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

He's being honest with you, and you are punishing him for it. Sounds like you ought to be more preoccupied with why you guys have such a negative communication style -- get that resolved before you even think about children.


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## ReadyForAChange (May 22, 2012)

yourbabygirl said:


> Please don't.. My husband and I had the same problem, I shouldn't have insisted or make him choose between losing me or having a baby. I regret that decision now that he left me. Stay with him, he might change his mind. And if he doesn't at least, you have him. Husband and wife should stay together for life, even if you have a child, your child will grow up one day and find his/her mate. Stick with yours!
> 
> 
> Just my advice because I was in the same dilemma before and if only someone was caring enough to give me this advice, I will probably be still with my husband and we might even be TTC right now.


 I can't see myself without kids, without being a mom. It's just not fair to me. I see how much he loves his son and he will do anything for him. I wish he wasn't selfish and could give me the same opportunity to be a mom. I just hate that I cant have kids and his ex loves to throw in my face that I dont have any kids with him and that I dont know what is like to be a mom. Although his ex throwing it on my face is not the main reason why I want to have kids it still reinforces my desire to have kids and my resentment towards him. I don't know what to do...
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I support your husband on this one. He's not being selfish he's being wise. Why would you want to bring kids into a bad marriage? And he can't say one way or the other because he doesn't know if you can fix your marriage. Having a baby with two parents arguing all the time would be the worst thing you could do.

Personally I think you need to take this baby fever energy and focus it on learning how to control your temper. Short fuses and babies don't really go together.


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## ReadyForAChange (May 22, 2012)

lamaga said:


> He's being honest with you, and you are punishing him for it. Sounds like you ought to be more preoccupied with why you guys have such a negative communication style -- get that resolved before you even think about children.


Yes he's being honest with me right NOW. But i feel lied to when before we even married he said he would give me kids. And I know we need to work on our marriage before we even decide to have kids, believe i do want to fix it before having kids. I'm not saying that I want kids right now, but I do want them in the future. He just wont give a straight answer, just a maybe. Im guessing because he doesnt want to lose me. Im the one that filed for divorce and I told him I will go ahead with the divorce if we cant solve our issues.
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## ReadyForAChange (May 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I support your husband on this one. He's not being selfish he's being wise. Why would you want to bring kids into a bad marriage? And he can't say one way or the other because he doesn't know if you can fix your marriage. Having a baby with two parents arguing all the time would be the worst thing you could do.
> 
> Personally I think you need to take this baby fever energy and focus it on learning how to control your temper. Short fuses and babies don't really go together.


Im not saying I want kids RIGHT NOW, but in the future I do. I know we are not in a position to have kids right now. But we were talking about deal breakers in our marriage, aince we are trying to resolve our issues before we get back together.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

But he answered you. He said he 'might' want kids but only if you can work things out. And again he's wise because he knows if he ends up divorced he will end up paying more child support.

You want him to be able to give you a yes or no answer and he can't. There is no way for him to do that right now and it's unfair for you to ask him too. He really is being wise.

I think the dealbreaker is on your end not his. If you want kids (and I support that) then I suggest you move on and find someone who can give you that yes right now.


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## ReadyForAChange (May 22, 2012)

Well I'll play this scenerio so you guys can understand.
H: What do we need to fix in our marriage and what things we dont want? I don't want kids.

W: what do you mean you dont want kids? You've known this whole time even before we got married that I wanted kids and you said you would give me kids. Why dont you want kids now?

H: Well right now my feelings are that I dont want kids. Theyre too much work, and they're expensive to raise. And besides look at our marriage. I don't want to be raising kids when I'm 60 years old.

W: so what are you saying, that you dont want kids period?

H: well right now that's how I feel. Idk maybe my feeling might change in the future, people change you know? But right now my feeling are that I dont want kids.

W: well you need to give a straight answer because I cant live with this "maybe". What if you never change your.feelings, then what? 

H: well like i said my feeling could change later on.

W: this is something serious. Is that feeling of not wanting kids strong enough to end your marriage? What is strongest a wife and kids or no kids and no wife?

H: well I want my wife, I just dont want kids.

And that's how our scenerio goes. This is why im questuoning whether I should leave or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

A word of warning.

If you "move on to have kids", you may find a man willing to take it on.

And, after you have babies and your unresolved issues lead you into these same kinds of fights?

Where are you then?

Ruining 4 lives instead of just 2?


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Can I ask how old you are?


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## ReadyForAChange (May 22, 2012)

I'm 25 and my husband is 35. We are 10 years apart, hence the age issue too.
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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

You are still very young. My advice would be to give it a few years to work on your marriage and try to make it great. Then see where he is on the kid thing. And if he still doesn't want kids you can move on and you'll still be young enough to meet someone ele who wants kids. I had my first baby at 37 and second at 40. My husband is the same age. Good luck.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Fix yourself.

Once you find you are no longer acting like a child it will be appropriate to see where you and your husband are on this subject.

If you REALLY want to make positive changes, 5 counseling sessions will let you know if you're on the right track.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Well, I'll throw in MY 2 cents worth since this was ME in my first marriage!

Hubby (had 2 kids by his 1st wife) swore up and down he wanted more children; KNEW it was a deal-breaker for me. After we were married a couple of years, he admitted that he didn't want any more kids. We ended up divorcing (amicably) a couple of years later because I was UNWILLING to give up being a mom (his kids were teenagers when we married.)

YOUR husband has already been through an expensive custody battle to see his son and pays monthly child support. He is loathe to go through the same thing again for any future children you may have when EVERY INDICATION is that your marriage has SERIOUS problems and may not make it with or without the added stress of children.

I'm curious how old your hubby is since he doesn't want to be 60 and raising a child. How old are both of you? How old is your stepson?

If being a mother is THAT important to you (as it was to me), then you need to be prepared to walk away from this marriage in order to make it happen. Your hubby has VALID reasons for not wanting to commit to any more children. YOU have VALID reasons for wanting to have children. You two may be unable to come to an agreement....because there can be NO COMPROMISE. You're right, without children of your own YOU will become resentful (because it is so important to you AND you understood it was part of the deal you made when you married.) If you two have a child, your husband may become resentful of you or the child or both. That's not a risk you should be willing to take.

Lastly, as others have pointed out, depending on your age (which we do NOT know), there may be no RUSH on you having a child. I gave birth to my daughter 3 months before my 41st birthday. She is perfectly healthy (as am I.) But, even if you are not in a rush to have a child NOW, you still need to resolve this issue with your husband (perhaps short-term counseling?) soon. There is NO POINT staying in a marriage that you KNOW is doomed (as it would be if he flatly refuses to have children with you.)


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

ReadytoChange,
Lots of I's in your post. Not sure who is the selfish one here. Marriage 2.0 reality sucks for men. To think that I can be happily married one day and then used as a convertable annuity the next day is VERY TERRIFIYING! I have worked hard for a long time to get to where I am in life and don't want to lose a majority of what I have worked for to the legal system and a greedy ex-spouse. I understand why your husband is concerned. Pre-nups CANNOT cover children or custody issues. He is worried that he will be AGAIN reduced to an ATM. Not good mentally. Kids DON'T fix things, they DON'T make marriage better. In fact they are a STRESSOR to the marriage. If you are not on solid ground maritally right now then bringing children into the world is a BAD IDEA. Your needs are not the only ones to be addressed. His LEGITIMATE fears need to be addressed as well.


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