# Sooo confused....



## Confusion&Hurt (Sep 5, 2008)

I'm 25 and he's 27. We've been going out for 8 years. He bought his own house when he was 20. He had roommates, and they partied alot. I never wanted to move in that environment and I felt that I was too young to move in with him. We were fine with that. The summer of 2005 I decided to move there for the summer, I liked it, it was just me and him. September came, and I moved back home. It was just too far from everything, it took me 30 minutes to go to work and I didn't like the drive. Everything was going good in the relationship except for the occasional partying that I didn't like.

Well, when I moved out the roommates moved back in. Then the partying began again. I knew that when he started drinking he didn't know when to stop. Especially the hard liquor. With me he only drank beer. 

Apparently the roommated were bringing in 16 year old girls to the parties. And that's when it all happen. He hooked up with one of them, but didn't remember, he woke up next to her and she told him. 

How did I find this out 3 years later?? The girl was telling everyone and ALOT of people knew, but instead of telling me they were all talking about me. 

Sooo I find out the girls name and where she works. Go to her work and she's not there, ask for her phone #. Call her and she tells me she wants to meet me. I go to her house and she explained everything since then (with some obvious lies and some confusion, but I did believe what she said) she got mixed up in some of her stories, but whatever it happen. 
Then I bring her with me to confront Him. He wasn't saying anything just looking at the ground. That night he called me to admit. 

I am so hurt in all of this. He said he only hooked up when he was drunk and didn't remember anything. She said the same. She would go over when she knew they was drinking and come pick him up, BUT they didn't have sex everytime. He said he had nothing to do with her when he was sober, he couldn't even look at her, and told her Numerous times to stop calling and she did for a while, then she'd start again. 

She's out of his life. She's knows now that he wants nothing to do with her. 

He says he wants to be with me. I truly believe that he won't do it again, he sees how bad things got and that he lost me(were not together anymore) Everyday he calls me, and he can hardly talk because he's crying so much that he's scared of loosing me. I have to tell him to calm down, I've never seen him like this, he even missed some work because of the crying. He spends his time in his bedroom doesn't come out. I saw him the other day and I had to force him to eat (and myself). We both lost alot of weight.

Deep down I really love him and I want to be with him. But everyone is telling me to leave him for good. It's to a point that I don't talk about it to anyone, because everyone is telling me what to do and not supporting the way I feel. I kow he can change and he will. Right now, I just want time to think about this and maybe in the far future we could be together. It's already been 4 weeks and I feel the exact same way as the beginning. Some say Time heals everything but I'm not sure. I don't know if I should just let him go and regret it for the rest of my life or eventually give him a chance and us be happy. 
We are willing for anything for this to get better. Even moving away. 

Would counselling help? I've never been and I'm really thinking about it.....

Thanks for listening and I'm looking forward to your advice.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Those closest to you have advised you to leave him and that says a lot. I’m not sure you will see much support for him here. He has a drinking problem and in the abuse of alcohol he has repeatedly cheated on you with a minor. Not a good sign of a stable and loving spouse for life. If you truly want this to work, counseling is in order. Substance abuse counseling for him. Begin down that path and see how it works. Your feelings for him are obviously very strong and I feel for you, but you need to take a hard look at the situation and decide if he is the person you really want to spend your life with. You are young, there are plenty of good men out there if this doesn’t work out.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my hubby had one night stand in april 08. but all that caused the event that night has gone. my hubby no longer goes to the pub (been 5 months) but he does drink at home.
he gave up the friends that egged him on to sleep with her that night. 
he has changed a great deal and learnt alot. 
for me, ok it stil hurts. but if it happens again - hes going. he knows this.
you can forgive, but you wont forget.
if it was 3 yrs ago - allow it to stay there. you wil bring it up when your feeling down or angry. you are allowed those feelings. 
but if you both want to move on, his whole partying and the room mates has to change. if it doesnt change. you wil end up fighting to much.
you wil have to start letin your anger go at a point , when you feel its right, or u both might push eachother away.
you also need to change. maybe move in properly together.
step up your lifestyle and commitment with eachother.


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## Confusion&Hurt (Sep 5, 2008)

Thanks.

I just need to talk to someone who understands this. It's hard to talk to people who have NEVER experienced this and take their advice. 

The house is for sale. The roommates were told to leave. And they are leaving. 

His parents were alcoholics, and he doesn't want to continue the way he has or they had. 
He said the drinking is over, he hates alcohol so much because of what it did his entire life and he said he will never go out or put himself in a situation where people will drink. I don't drink so no problem there.

It happened 3 years ago, 4 times. He said he was going to tell me, he just didn't know how. But he is now glad that I know. 
I know everybody makes mistakes. But I know it's not a mistake that I will ever forget. 
For right now, i'm going to stay by myself and maybe eventually I'll be able to forgive him, or maybe I'll be over him.....Who knows....


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

just take care of yourself , maybe you can build your bridges from there.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Amplexor said:


> Those closest to you have advised you to leave him and that says a lot. I’m not sure you will see much support for him here. He has a drinking problem and in the abuse of alcohol he has repeatedly cheated on you with a minor. Not a good sign of a stable and loving spouse for life. If you truly want this to work, counseling is in order. Substance abuse counseling for him. Begin down that path and see how it works. Your feelings for him are obviously very strong and I feel for you, but you need to take a hard look at the situation and decide if he is the person you really want to spend your life with. You are young, there are plenty of good men out there if this doesn’t work out.



:iagree:

draconis


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