# What do I do?



## Lonelynconfused

Hi, 

New member here. I've been married to my husband for 13 years and together for 19, since I was 17.

I've joined this site as I'm so confused what to do. Thinking back I think we've had problems for a while now. There's no closeness anymore in our relationship and we dont seem to communicate anymore. I feel so lonely even when he's about and he spends so much time playing on his phone and paying me no attention at all. More recently though things seem to have gotten worse. He just seems angry all the time and everything I say seems to grate on his nerves. He says I make every little thing into a drama but I try not to. It's just that he never listens and I spend so much time going over things he should already know and that we've already talked about. He's completely ignorant and unengaged when we have a conversation then he doesnt understand why i'm angry and frustrated with him. If i try and address it he just says 'well if you feel like that we should just split up then'. I dont think he really means it but he's completely unwilling to address the issues and fix it. I'm completely open to the fact that i'm not perfect but as he gets moody and grumpy no matter what I do or say I don't know what I'm doing wrong. The problem is that we have a 7 and 9 year old and they're now picking up on this no matter how much I try not to let them see us argue. I dont know what the point of this post is exactly except that I just really need to speak to someone. As we got together so young most of my friends are joint friends or even worse, my best friend is his brothers wife so i dont feel like I can talk to her about it and put her in an awkward position. I just feel so alone. X


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## jlg07

Sorry this is happening in your marriage.
Have you considered marriage counseling? Should at least help with the communications if nothing else (assuming he would even GO to that).



Lonelynconfused said:


> If i try and address it he just says 'well if you feel like that we should just split up then'. I dont think he really means it but he's completely unwilling to address the issues and fix it. I'm completely open to the fact that i'm not perfect but as he gets moody and grumpy no matter what I do or say I don't know what I'm doing wrong.


You are viewing this as YOU causing the problem. If you H does NOT want to talk, unwilling to listen, deflects you (manipulation) with the "we should just split up then", that is not on YOU -- that is HIM causing the issues.

What would he do if when he tried to shut you up with "we should just split up then" you said to him "yeah, i think maybe that would be best"???



Lonelynconfused said:


> The problem is that we have a 7 and 9 year old and they're now picking up on this no matter how much I try not to let them see us argue


Yes, and you are showing them what Marriage looks like -- this will impact their view of what a "normal" marriage looks like, and I'm guessing you don't want that.

Unfortunately YOU cannot fix this by yourself -- if he isn't willing to put in the work, then there really isn't much of a marriage here.


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## Lonelynconfused

jlg07 said:


> Sorry this is happening in your marriage.
> Have you considered marriage counseling? Should at least help with the communications if nothing else (assuming he would even GO to that).
> 
> 
> You are viewing this as YOU causing the problem. If you H does NOT want to talk, unwilling to listen, deflects you (manipulation) with the "we should just split up then", that is not on YOU -- that is HIM causing the issues.
> 
> What would he do if when he tried to shut you up with "we should just split up then" you said to him "yeah, i think maybe that would be best"???
> 
> 
> Yes, and you are showing them what Marriage looks like -- this will impact their view of what a "normal" marriage looks like, and I'm guessing you don't want that.
> 
> Unfortunately YOU cannot fix this by yourself -- if he isn't willing to put in the work, then there really isn't much of a marriage here.


Thanks so much for your reply. I'm in the UK and unfortunately marriage counselling doesnt seem to be around much here but it's worth looking into if I can find somewhere. I dont know if he's be willing to go but it's worth a try. No i definitely dont want my kids to grow up thinking this is a normal marriage. The problem is that they're starting to resent him as well and they're good as gold for me but they wont listen to him and i think it's because they're starting to lose respect for him. As much as he frustrates me I dont want to ruin his relationship with our children. I just want him to talk to me and try and work this out but i feel like i'm banging my head against a brick wall. X


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## jlg07

There are folks here from the UK that can def help with counseling, etc.. They will show up here soon!


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## Lonelynconfused

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm in the UK and unfortunately marriage counselling doesnt seem to be around much here but it's worth looking into if I can find somewhere. I dont know if he's be willing to go but it's worth a try. No i definitely dont want my kids to grow up thinking this is a normal marriage. The problem is that they're starting to resent him as well and they're good as gold for me but they wont listen to him and i think it's because they're starting to lose respect for him. As much as he must frustrate me I dont want to ruin his relationship with our children. I just want him to open up to me and at least try but i feel like i'm banging my head against a brick wall.


jlg07 said:


> There are folks here from the UK that can def help with counseling, etc.. They will show up here soon!


Thanks x


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## CatholicDad

Do you sleep together? Do you go out to dinner alone, take walks, make love... something to break the monotony? Is he more communicative when he gets out of work mode? Maybe some Covid depression here- think we’re all experiencing that. Encourage him to resume his pre-covid activities if possible.


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## Lonelynconfused

I'm trying but even when we're alone his so distant. We both work full time and i suppose there's an element of us bith being exhausted after a week at work but he's not really doing any less now than he was before. I've tried to think of a reason why he's like this now and I genuinely cant think of anything different now to before other than his behaviour. X


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## 342693

You said he seems angry all the time...which tells me he is unhappy with the state of your marriage too. But most guys are different than women. Most will accept the unhappiness and never try to do anything about it. Whereas most women want to fix it. 

Like others said, marriage counseling could really help you two get back on track, but I doubt he will be open to it. It may take you making the first step to see a lawyer or move out to wake him up. Or tell him you want to talk seriously one night after the kids are in bed and tell him what you told us and that you aren't going to live that way anymore. But be prepared to take the next step when he ignores you.


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