# Is this even acceptable?



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Due to being busy with guests from Europe and a sister's wedding, my separated STBX applied for daycare subsidy without my knowledge and put our 2.5 y.o into a daycare despite the fact that neither of us are employed at the moment. She lied to me that she is working but I well documented in my daily journal that she doesn't. 

Now to make things worse, our son complained to both of us that he is being physically abused by a caretaker. I took it seriously and spoke to a doctor and a lawyer. Their advice: Talk to the owner and then decide weather get to get child services involved.

My ex, commanded by her mom and accompanied by her mom came to talk to me to take no action. Her mom, bombarding me with with a bunch of BS, got angry after I fired back. They left and my wife text me saying: Dont talk to daycare I'll pull him out. 

That was 2 weeks ago. The baby spent most of the time with me since. Last evening she phoned me and asked to bring the baby either last night or this morning. I sensed something wasn't right. I asked if she is taking him somewhere today she said NO.

So today I phoned to see hows the baby she said he is in daycare, same daycare plus she complained to me she has to re-apply for subsidy.

We do not have any custody order or agreement yet. 

I would pull the child right out of daycare and pursue with investigation but my main weakness is that I live with parents and am not on the rental list nor could I be and going to court ATM is out of question thats why I have to comply with their nonsense.

I just like to hear some of your opinions on this and if you have any suggestions.

Thanks


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont think this is acceptable treatment to that poor child- from any of you. i realize you want to paint your ex as the mean person here, but you arent any better. seems you both have your reasons for neglecting your son.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I dont think this is acceptable treatment to that poor child- from any of you. i realize you want to paint your ex as the mean person here, but you arent any better. seems you both have your reasons for neglecting your son.


Any suggestions?

BTW, I am just preparing myself in case she tries to back stab me as she did in the past. I asked her not to take him there multiple times but no use. I am not painting her mean as she is the one doing this. I like to stop it but I can't or I don't know how. If I have no my own place yet that is not neglecting. Heck I was told since we r both looking for job it is OK for baby to be in daycare. Maybe IDK. But I like to see for abuse and she don't. If I bring him here she will say he lives there w/o permission. And I am not trying to take this child from his mother. I just wish she stopped obeying her mum and focus on the child better.

So having said that, your comment makes no sense and is immature.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

If my child complained someone was abusing them, I would call the police, no question about it...


----------



## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Hmmm - I am a little confused here. Isn't this child yours too and you have no custody papers out there so why does she get the say in everything and why do you feel you are taking your own child away. If you feel your child is being abused or there is a possiblity why are you even contemplating calling the police? Are your parents not supportive of the having the child live with you or maybe you could pursue a different daycare??? Just some suggestions - But I would get him the heck out of there!


----------



## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

Why do they not want you to report it? What excuse did they give you? Could it be that he is saying is the daycare and it is really the home? Could it be that your child is telling you is the daycare because he is scared that if he acused the mom he will be in deep s.....? Sorry for being so pessimistic, but my daughter is going thru hell right now, because of being abuse by her school teacher, and I have learn to be very weary and suspicious of these things. Thank goodnes the school took the case seriously and called CPs and police right there, when my D told them.

Please call the police and CPS and have them investigate the daycare, they will go and talk to the kids. Have them do it without warning, whatever your STBX and her mom say it is not right to keep it quiet, you would want her to pull him out, so make the call today. If not taken care of now, this will bring major issues later in live, he needs to see a therapist even when he is so young. If you do not want them to know it was you, because of legal issues or whatever, then make the call anonymous, tell them that you do not want anybody to know who made the call, just report it to CPS and tell them that you have seen/heard of physical abuse in the daycare, they will know exactly what to do.

Please take my advice to heart, whatever your issues are with them do not matter, *your son should be your priority*. If they do not want to report it, that is call negligence and CPS can take the child away from their custody. Go get a notebook, document everything he said, dates, times and every behaviour, bruises, if there is physical and visible damage take pictures and take him to the ER right away they will have to report it. Record it so CPS will know that you are a concern parent. Do not ripe pages if you make a mistake , scratch it and continue on when finish go and have it notarized. *Do it right now.*

Please feel free to send me a PM (private Message) if you want more information.

Bella


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

YOU have to take action and contact someone in regards to the possible abuse. IF nobody takes action and it continues, your son will lose trust in both of you because YOU LET IT CONTINUE. I agree, though....WHY are they so adamant that the authorities are not involved? A mother's (and a father's) FIRST priority when a child tells them they are being harmed should be TO PROTECT the child....neither of you are doing that by letting him continue to go there, and if he is being abused there, you are both guilty of allowing it to possibly happen to other children who are there. Both of you need to grow up and handle the situation.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

still reeling said:


> Hmmm - I am a little confused here. Isn't this child yours too and you have no custody papers out there so *why does she get the say in everything* and why do you feel you are taking your own child away. If you feel your child is being abused or there is a possiblity why are you even contemplating calling the police? Are your parents not supportive of the having the child live with you or maybe you could pursue a different daycare??? Just some suggestions - But I would get him the heck out of there!


You see, I have no my own place yet and since she left my money flow has ceased. So if I do *anything *she doesn't like, she will apply for sole custody. If she does, despite the fact I did way better parenting than she did since she left, the judge will say to me, *" you can't provide residence for this child so he goes to his mother".*

But I WILL do something about the alleged abuse even if I lose custody. Heck I'll take the case to national TV if I have to.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

LaBella said:


> Why do they not want you to report it? What excuse did they give you? Could it be that he is saying is the daycare and it is really the home? Could it be that your child is telling you is the daycare because he is scared that if he acused the mom he will be in deep s.....? Sorry for being so pessimistic, but my daughter is going thru hell right now, because of being abuse by her school teacher, and I have learn to be very weary and suspicious of these things. Thank goodnes the school took the case seriously and called CPs and police right there, when my D told them.
> 
> Please call the police and CPS and have them investigate the daycare, they will go and talk to the kids. Have them do it without warning, whatever your STBX and her mom say it is not right to keep it quiet, you would want her to pull him out, so make the call today. If not taken care of now, this will bring major issues later in live, he needs to see a therapist even when he is so young. If you do not want them to know it was you, because of legal issues or whatever, then make the call anonymous, tell them that you do not want anybody to know who made the call, just report it to CPS and tell them that you have seen/heard of physical abuse in the daycare, they will know exactly what to do.
> 
> ...


I am sorry about your daughter. I'm glad the proper intervention was done on time.

See, I took our child to the doctor's appointment. She came too even though she didn't say a word because whatever docotr asks she looks at me. (But I don't wanna "paint" my child's mother) Now that was just a day before I was preparing to talk to the owner of the daycare. Her mom came with her. Now watch this: To make it an easy thing she asked my son, did daddy beat you? He said no, he yelled at me. My son is 2.5 y.o. She wasn't happy with that so she said to me, forget daycare, the kid lies. He told me that you and your brother hit him. Then she realized what she had said and continued, he says I hit him too but it is not true. So forget the daycare.

So their excuse is: Child is lying. But why do they not want to me to report? That's a very good question. It is not hard to guess but I will PM you.

Then last night my STBX called me. I said don't register the baby anymore there. She said she has to, she is looking for job plus her uncle is coming from Europe. 

I told her, what would social services say if they knew that neither of us are working now and the baby is in daycare? (Well I meant judge but I said CSS because we are trying to avoid the word "court")

She was quiet. No answer.

Then she says to me she want to tell me something. She said: You know that he is lying 100% because he doesn't like it there. I said no. She said let me finish: So she goes: *He told me today that you kissed another woman *(how low). *Then she said I know you wouldn't do it in front of him. *(following her mum's footsteps). she says:* If CPS find nothing is wrong in the daycare, they will investigate his family *(true I believe) *and you know that there is no single parent in this world that doesn't hit their disobedient child from time to time.* (What?, I'll pretend she said "spank", maybe she meant it cuz she spoke in English and her Eng. is limited even though we both speak another same language.) *Also said, the child can fall down and get a bruise and they may think we did it.*

Then she went on how the child likes it in there, learns Eng., the staff is nice etc. On the end she said "I am afraid to lose my child to social child protection services". Yet she put him there again.

So it figures why they are against it doesn't it. I can't see any other valid reason. She was over protective mother during the marriage, not now.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Lostandconfused said:


> I'm sorry. I realize you feel you are between a rock and a hard place with the rental list. (Not sure I get that other than you must have to be on the list to legally live there).
> 
> That just doesn't matter one tiny bit. Report! Do it now!! Should've been done the minute your child told you. Nothing is more important than your child's safety imo. Not your living arrangements, not your parent's, not the mother's. That can all be worked out later.
> 
> ...


Yes I have to be on the list to live here legally. And I can't be. This house is provided by some non-profit organization so I am only a visitor here. In case of court, the judge would say "you have no place to live and my ex knows that". But I am looking for a place.

I will do something about it no doubt. I just fear what I mentioned above, if she applies for sole custody, even though I believe I have weapons to get shared custody, the housing problem is the killer to me.

But I have to use my brains. I don't wanna hurt her either because she is under control of her parents.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

mommy22 said:


> I'd make the call Harris. Why is she so concerned about losing him? Are there not any other daycares with openings in the same price range? I wouldn't drop the issue.


This is a big city there are many daycares. Drop what? No, I just have to be careful. They are really experts in lies and got many friends who are willing to lie for them as they did for their other D when she went through divorce.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

not sure what kind of father you are, sorry, but I am calling the cops or child services, they are professionals, you tell them My son said this, not sure if it is true or not, but I believe him.

I have three kids, two boys....sure they fight and lie and I spank them my son even has devised a plan "to kill me off" and marry my wife...lol . Not once did they ever accuse anyone of being molested or me abusing them. Especially at 2 and a half.

kids just do not pull it out of the air. I would see if there are any complaints against the center.

this is your child you are talking about here....they are the most precious thing you will ever have.

your job as a parent is to PROTECT them from harm. Get your son, have child services interview him You don't lose your son because your poor, you lose him for abuse and neglect.

You are neglecting him right now, protect him. 

step up and be a parent


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Harris I hear alot of excuses, stop it, call child services or the police.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

soccer man

If they all come out "clean", she will apply for full custody. If she gets it then the child is under their control. and she will get it if i have no residence.

btw, where I live police doesn't get involved it is CPS that deal with it.

And yes, I will do something about it. At least talk to the owner to review his security cameras or something.

How do you check the history of the daycare if there are any complaints?


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Just called my STBX and told her either to speak to daycare owner or the baby can't go there. She got angry and said then you watch him. I said bring him and I'll watch him. You can take him whenever you like when you cool come to your senses. We just hung up then.

She will now have a discussion with her family. Then they will make a decision. That's what bothers me the most. Her inability to make her own decision for the kid even though she is pretending she does.

Oh yea I called daycare subsidy and told them to have me involved next time she applies because I have to see application too.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

And to stop flooding this thread, to conclude, she (ex) agreed to talk to daycare owner. The child will not go back there anyway. 

If I notice a single flaw in my complaint to the owner, I will notify CPS.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm not sure why you are trusting her to handle the whole situation when she has already taken him out and put him back there against your wishes. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, and neither has EVER made up a story about me or their Dad abusing them just because they are mad or don't like a situation. Something in this situation sounds fishy....someone is afraid that boy will say something and be taken seriously. This situation needs to be investigated, and you have to quit making excuses as to why you are standing on the sidelines letting your wife and her family make the decisions. You ARE his father, and it sounds like he really needs you right now.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> I'm not sure why you are trusting her to handle the whole situation when she has already taken him out and put him back there against your wishes. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, and neither has EVER made up a story about me or their Dad abusing them just because they are mad or don't like a situation. Something in this situation sounds fishy....someone is afraid that boy will say something and be taken seriously. This situation needs to be investigated, and you have to quit making excuses as to why you are standing on the sidelines letting your wife and her family make the decisions. You ARE his father, and it sounds like he really needs you right now.


No. She is not handling anything besides her family control over her and I do feel sorry for her about that. I feel she is victim too to some extent but a victim who don't have to be and can stand up for her self. 

I will talk to the owner and she wants to accompany me. Fine.

I pulled the child out. I simply told her if she brings him back there I will call CPS. 

But despite that something has to be done. I need to find out why my kid complained and just can't ignore it.


----------

