# separated and going to same church?



## changingmale

We are separated and we went to church. I am wanting to go to a church and she says she wants too also. I saw a guy the other day who goes to that church and know we are not together, We talked for about 30 mins and said i should go back to that church. I dont know bc wife talked to some of her friends about the marriage and me. Not sure how i would feel there and having her friends see me and things like that. He said they should not be like that and need to have there heart looked at and worked on. If i do go back i am going to pray and talk to the kids and then her. If all are ok i may go back and will tell the kids they do not have to sit with me it is ok. I went to church but not Sunday school but want to now. Wife says she hopes we can be friends later on after healing or at least civil. So do you go to the same church or did you find a different church? BTW she is the one who wants the divorce not i and i still love her and in love with her. I think she loves me and know she care about me she did say that. thank you


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## minimalME

At first we went to the same church, but to different services. 

Then he stopped going altogether, and I chose to look for a different church that was closer to home.


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## sunsetmist

Same church, different services, but he came a couple of years after miserable divorce. Is awkward at times.

How this works depends on individual situations. I was not going to let my life and choices be dictated by him any longer.


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## WorkingWife

How attached are you to that church and the members?

I would not worry about anything she told people about your marriage. Most people take marital complaints with a grain of salt and are more interested in themselves and their own lives than hanging onto salacious details of a couple's differences.

But it would worry me if there are children and you are both there but sitting apart. That sounds like it would be really awkward for your children even if you tell them they don't need to sit with you. I can imagine some children feeling very uncomfortable in that situation.

I think I'd look for a new church - fresh start - unless there is something really important about this particular church to you.


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## changingmale

WorkingWife said:


> How attached are you to that church and the members?
> 
> I would not worry about anything she told people about your marriage. Most people take marital complaints with a grain of salt and are more interested in themselves and their own lives than hanging onto salacious details of a couple's differences.
> 
> But it would worry me if there are children and you are both there but sitting apart. That sounds like it would be really awkward for your children even if you tell them they don't need to sit with you. I can imagine some children feeling very uncomfortable in that situation.
> 
> I think I'd look for a new church - fresh start - unless there is something really important about this particular church to you.


I am not really close to anyone there. But i like the church it is doing very good things and is growing. That is why i want to ask the kids and the wife if they would be ok for me going there. I would love to sit with them but dont think it would be wise.


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## arbitrator

changingmale said:


> I am not really close to anyone there. But i like the church it is doing very good things and is growing. That is why i want to ask the kids and the wife if they would be ok for me going there. I would love to sit with them but dont think it would be wise.


*Personally, I would advocate going to a new church of the same religious denomination.

But if you are attached to it and the members there, I would go, but at the same time, I would entertain speaking with the senior pastor there, enlightening him on the personal issues in your life and what recommendations he might make.

It's a given that you do not attend the same Sunday School Class and/or Divorce Recovery Groups! And as far as worship service goes, I'd definitely advocate going to different services!*


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## changingmale

arbitrator said:


> *Personally, I would advocate going to a new church of the same religious denomination.
> 
> But if you are attached to it and the members there, I would go, but at the same time, I would entertain speaking with the senior pastor there, enlightening him on the personal issues in your life and what recommendations he might make.
> 
> It's a given that you do not attend the same Sunday School Class and/or Divorce Recovery Groups! And as far as worship service goes, I'd definitely advocate going to different services!*


She teaches young kids class. If i do go i will have to see how it feels and go from there. I will not go to the Sunday school class for a few weeks if i do go and keep going back. Just have to see it everything goes and if i feel like i am getting any bad vibes. Hope i would not get any bad vibes. Also a plus would be i could get my kids from there instead of driving to her house


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## arbitrator

changingmale said:


> She teaches young kids class. If i do go i will have to see how it feels and go from there. I will not go to the Sunday school class for a few weeks if i do go and keep going back. Just have to see it everything goes and if i feel like i am getting any bad vibes. Hope i would not get any bad vibes. Also a plus would be i could get my kids from there instead of driving to her house


*Is there any probable infidelity involved in your breakup?*


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## ConanHub

Why does she want to divorce you?


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## SentHereForAReason

Couple of things here but I'm afraid you just aren't getting what we are trying to tell you. We aren't telling you these things to be mean, we are telling you these things to help you based upon our own collective experiences with similar matters throughout the process.

#1 - just from a TAM standpoint, it would be MUCH more helpful if you stuck to ONE thread and had all of his talk on that instead of creating a separate thread for each thought, where many don't know your backstory, what's going on and what has happened recently, etc. 

#2 - You not only need to heed some of the advice you are getting, the most harmful thing you are doing right now is lying to yourself. You told me on the last thread I replied to you on was "I am not hoping to get back together" The worst thing you can do at this point is lie to yourself. You need to get yourself together for your kids and be the man you aspire to be. You keep talking about being friends with your wife at a certain point but if you continue on this route, that's not even going to happen.

#3 - The church thing. I believe you are trying to find excuses to be at service with her, the same you were trying to find reasons to be able to talk to her in person when that makes her feel uncomfortable. If you want to go to that church still, do it! Just go to a different time/service. I think it would be smart to keep going to a spiritual service but it cannot be the same time as her. Either go to a different service or different worship location.

At this point, your thoughts and emotions are doing you NO favors. But that's normal, it's how you recognize them and then act upon them. I know it's the hardest thing in the world to get away from what you love most and what your instincts are but if you deal with you pain now, it will set you up for a LOT less down the road, for all involved here. I'm not sure if you are in counseling or not but this is a must for you right now, as a start. Don't mean to harp on you dude but flat out, you are making things worse. Get your sh** together. I didn't have my sh** together for about 6 months and it cost me dearly but then I started to recognize how my actions affected the outcome of certain things and maybe even more importantly how the biggest thing to realize is this, is that you have very little to no control over certain things, no matter how much you change now or what you do. You can only control yourself and be the best parent you can be. That is where you need to start. Many of us have been where you are, the circumstances to which led to it may have been different but we want you to be healthy again, that's why we say what we do ....


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## personofinterest

You have started repeated threads, and the common theme is that you still want to insert yourself into your STBX's life. She has asked for not contact. This is you yet again attempted to circumvent her wishes that you stay away. This is not about this church - you just want an excuse to see HER.

Leave your STBX alone. This is unhealthy.


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## azimuth

The focus of going to church is for you, your faith, Communion, and your personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Listen to the message, study on your own, learn how to listen to the Holy Spirit for guidance. Worrying about whether or not you should sit with your wife, worrying about what others think is a distraction to what the purpose of going to church is. Find a church that's a good fit for YOU, personally. When you do, you'll be able to better face the hardships of life.


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## Bananapeel

I also think you are trying to just keep yourself involved with your ex, which she doesn't seem to want. While in general I would advocate for staying in a church if it is important to a person, in your case I'd find another one because that is not the primary reason for you wanting to go. I'd recommend you start by being truly honest with yourself and your intentions, then making your decisions based on that.


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## MZMEE

I've been in your situation and it's a difficult thing to do when things are still very new. It was too difficult at first because you find yourself focusing more on each other or what you think other people are thinking so it defeats the purpose of going. You may want to take some time "off" and attend another church. I know couples who have done that. It's ok to take some time to get through the most difficult part of divorce.

Unfortunately, this is the harshness of divorce. You are not just divorcing each other but you are divorcing your lifestyle you once had. I mean eventually you or her may end up attending a different church anyway because imagine if you or her started dating or got married again later. It would be kind of awkward to attend the church together and your ex is there. It's one thing to have only dated somebody at the same church but to be married and have a flourishing life at a church as a couple/family makes it a bit more awkward.

Don't worry about what other people think. Half the time people aren't even thinking what you think they are. You may be the "hot gossip" for a minute but in the end people have their own problems to deal with and they are not going to rent space in their head about you and your situation. Free yourself from those thoughts. Most people are more compassionate about your situation than you think.

good luck


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## Yeswecan

changingmale said:


> We are separated and we went to church. I am wanting to go to a church and she says she wants too also. I saw a guy the other day who goes to that church and know we are not together, We talked for about 30 mins and said i should go back to that church. I dont know bc wife talked to some of her friends about the marriage and me. Not sure how i would feel there and having her friends see me and things like that. He said they should not be like that and need to have there heart looked at and worked on. If i do go back i am going to pray and talk to the kids and then her. If all are ok i may go back and will tell the kids they do not have to sit with me it is ok. I went to church but not Sunday school but want to now. Wife says she hopes we can be friends later on after healing or at least civil. So do you go to the same church or did you find a different church? BTW she is the one who wants the divorce not i and i still love her and in love with her. I think she loves me and know she care about me she did say that. thank you


Bit lost here. Church and divorce do not go hand in hand. What has caused the divorce?


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## changingmale

arbitrator said:


> *Is there any probable infidelity involved in your breakup?*


No i am very sure there was no cheating. She gained some weight during the yrs and childbirth etc and when had sex lights off and she had a nightgown etc on. The weight never affected me and told her


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## changingmale

ConanHub said:


> Why does she want to divorce you?


Long story but i was not there to support her when she needed me. I told her i was sorry and wrong and i am paying for it now


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## changingmale

personofinterest said:


> You have started repeated threads, and the common theme is that you still want to insert yourself into your STBX's life. She has asked for not contact. This is you yet again attempted to circumvent her wishes that you stay away. This is not about this church - you just want an excuse to see HER.
> 
> Leave your STBX alone. This is unhealthy.


We have kids so we have to talk and see each other, I was not going to go back to that church bc of them unless the kids are in some kind of program. That is why i am going to ask our daughters and then her if ok with it. No i will npt sit with them and do not expect the kids to sit with me. I saw a guy this week who goes to church and told me i should go back to the church. Yes they have 2 services the 1st is contemporary service and the 2nd is traditional service. The 1st has grown a lot and more people around my ago. Again if the wife and or kids do not want me there then fine. She has said hope we can be friends after we heal and i think we can,, Yes i want to make the marriage work. If not then ok i will survive


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## WorkingWife

changingmale said:


> I am not really close to anyone there. But i like the church it is doing very good things and is growing. That is why i want to ask the kids and the wife if they would be ok for me going there.* I would love to sit with them but dont think it would be wise.*


It might be okay for now but at some point you will want to move on into a new relationship and your new partner will probably not want to sit next to your ex at church.


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## BarbedFenceRider

changingmale said:


> She teaches young kids class. If i do go i will have to see how it feels and go from there. I will not go to the Sunday school class for a few weeks if i do go and keep going back. Just have to see it everything goes and if i feel like i am getting any bad vibes. Hope i would not get any bad vibes. Also a plus would be i could get my kids from there instead of driving to her house



Pain shopping...

Even for the kids. Since our "faith" is in our hearts, how much time do we spend on it when the heart is broken by the one sitting in the other aisle? Just sayin'.


Find another church. Find faith in YOUR heart. Find your kids somewhere convenient to both of you.
Ultimately, you have to be happy in your own skin. Do what you think you want. But don't be surprised when the hurt and longing start every Sunday, when you see them...


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## Uselessmale

Read all these posts out loud to yourself. Heed the advice. It seems you are not helping yourself, yes this all sucks. You say you want to reconcile, maybe you getting away from her will help you both. Sounds like you both need a break from each other


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## ConanHub

changingmale said:


> Long story but i was not there to support her when she needed me. I told her i was sorry and wrong and i am paying for it now


Went over a couple of your threads. It appears she got depressed and you were not very supportive?

Not a great reason for divorce.

If you are going to church, what does your pastor or elders say about this divorce?

I would go if I were you, take credit if you were unsupportive when your wife was feeling low but don't take any blame for her divorce.

I would not be kept from my children or from attending church where I choose.

You might have sinned but your wife is full of the **** herself by not accepting your repentance and forgiving you.

She needs put on the spot about this nonsense.

So she needs to show biblically why she gets to divorce you.

Why are you being so weak about being around your kids?

Seems there might be more to this story or you need a testosterone injection.


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## changingmale

ConanHub said:


> Went over a couple of your threads. It appears she got depressed and you were not very supportive?
> 
> Not a great reason for divorce.
> 
> If you are going to church, what does your pastor or elders say about this divorce?
> 
> I would go if I were you, take credit if you were unsupportive when your wife was feeling low but don't take any blame for her divorce.
> 
> I would not be kept from my children or from attending church where I choose.
> 
> You might have sinned but your wife is full of the **** herself by not accepting your repentance and forgiving you.
> 
> She needs put on the spot about this nonsense.
> 
> So she needs to show biblically why she gets to divorce you.
> 
> Why are you being so weak about being around your kids?
> 
> Seems there might be more to this story or you need a testosterone injection.


I dont want to make my kids uncomfortable around wither of us. Such as should i sit with mom or dad. I am not being weak with the kids just dont want them to feel strange


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## ConanHub

changingmale said:


> I dont want to make my kids uncomfortable around wither of us. Such as should i sit with mom or dad. I am not being weak with the kids just dont want them to feel strange


I believe you are being weak and both of you are being bad examples.

Why would your kids not want you around?

Quit giving in to your wife. She isn't behaving rationally.

To each their own. You are making bad choices by not nipping this crap in the bud.

What does your pastor say?


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## changingmale

thanks


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