# Every night has its dawn...



## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

After much persuasion to create a thread, here goes.

I'm 32 years old and my wife is 30. We have been married for 4 years and have an 18 month old daughter. I travel frequently for work and my wife is a SAHM. 

In November, I started getting suspicious of my wife's behavior. Her data usage, text messaging and minutes all increased by at least 30% in a month's time. Not wanting to jump to conclusions and check the detailed record, I asked her if there was a reason. She immediately got defensive and said I was trying to control her. She said she was tired of living under my thumb and would be returning to work. I was okay with the idea, so we agreed that she would go to work and our daughter would start daycare. Everything was fine.

Three weeks later, while I was out of state, my neighbor called to tell me there was a man opening the front door to my house. I immediately called my wife and asked her if it was her brother, to which she hesitated and then said "yes". Suspicious, again, I hung up with her and immediately called her brother. He had not seen my wife all week. Thus, the digging began. The records indicated my wife had been texting and calling this man for four months. Sometimes, their phone conversations lasted for hours while I was at work. On weeks when I was out of town, there was very little phone communication, due to the fact that he was staying with her at my house.

I took the red eye home without her knowledge, went to a lawyer with my findings and finalized a legal separation. I called OM's wife and emailed her copies of the phone records, which resulted in her retaining a lawyer also. 

Needless to say, my wife is furious with me now, and is threatening me. She's saying she's leaving the state with my daughter and I will only get to see her every other month and alternating holidays. I can't stand the thought of losing my daughter and am seriously considering reconciling with my wife, just for the sake of my kid. I know that's stupid but the father is not favored in SC custody cases. 

My wife claims she is done with the OM. I wouldn't know, because she's no longer on my phone plan. She says they were just close friends and never physical but I don't believe that. She said he was an outlet because she got so lonely with me being gone all the time. Maybe I'm being too hard on her?


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Don't even attempt to communicate about reconciling with your wife until she gets to a better place (remorseful and honest at the very least) even if it is for you to spend more time with your kid. 

I hope you got a good lawyer. Document all of her threats. I also live in a southern state that favors mothers, and I know that my fWW cannot up and move and only let me see the kids every other month. 

Don't let her manipulate you with fear. 

What does your lawyer say about custody?

Prepare for battle. I know it is tough, but it sounds like that what your divorce is shaping to be. Remember this is temporary, and your situation will change.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

My lawyer said it is not likely I will be awarded custody unless I can prove that she is an unfit mother, which she is not. If custody is awarded to her, she can move.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

> My wife claims she is done with the OM. I wouldn't know, because she's no longer on my phone plan. She says they were just close friends and never physical but I don't believe that.


Nor should you. If she had to continually lie to you in order to protect her relationship with this man, then they were much more than just friends.



> She said he was an outlet because she got so lonely with me being gone all the time. Maybe I'm being too hard on her?


No excuse for an emotional affair (and this was likely a physical affair as well). If she was unhappy with you being gone all the time, she should have said something to you. If she really was just lonely and in need of a friend, she should have turned to some of her girlfriends, instead of starting up a new relationship with a strange man and carrying on this "friendship" behind your back.

Who initiated the phone plan change? Did you kick her off of yours as part of the separation agreement, or did she voluntarily get her own phone that you couldn't monitor anymore? If it's the latter, that's a possible red flag that her and the OM really aren't done. And if she's still not willing to admit that her and OM were more than friends, or that their relationship was wrong, then she's not remorseful. Do not pursue reconciliation. She needs to come around to that, if she wants to.

In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. See a lawyer about your child. Wish you the best.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Good for you, for posting this, hon! You'll get some great advice, for sure.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

rsersen said:


> Who initiated the phone plan change? Did you kick her off of yours as part of the separation agreement, or did she voluntarily get her own phone that you couldn't monitor anymore? If it's the latter, that's a possible red flag that her and the OM really aren't done. And if she's still not willing to admit that her and OM were more than friends, or that their relationship was wrong, then she's not remorseful. Do not pursue reconciliation. She needs to come around to that, if she wants to.
> 
> In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. See a lawyer about your child. Wish you the best.


Thanks. 

I dropped her from the phone plan. I also left the house which was obviously a mistake. Now I am paying the mortgage there and rent at my apartment. 

She definitely is not remorseful. She blames it all on me, trying to make me feel guilty. Now she said this morning that my daughter has been crying for me at bedtime, since last Friday.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

So, you're paying her to leave you.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Conrad said:


> So, you're paying her to leave you.


It seems so. I have to pay the mortgage though. The loan is in my name and I will not default on it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> It seems so. I have to pay the mortgage though. The loan is in my name and I will not default on it.


Move back in.

What would it cost to break the lease on this place?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Since you're paying for both either way, MOVE BACK INTO THE HOUSE!

Not being there could be viewed as abandonment! Talk to your lawyer about this! make sure he/she knows everything you've done and get them to educate you on the issues surrounding your child and custody and what the mother can/cannot do regarding moving!

The custody issues should have been discussed with your lawyer early on


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

I am not sure if I can just move back in since the agreement says she will live in the house. I only signed a 3 month lease so it is up at the end of this month.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolowitz said:


> I am not sure if I can just move back in since the agreement says she will live in the house.


Yep, you can.

Mr. Katy moved back into our home and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Please believe I asked around, too.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

HappyKaty said:


> Yep, you can.
> 
> Mr. Katy moved back into our home and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Please believe I asked around, too.


Quoted for Truth


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

HappyKaty said:


> Yep, you can.
> 
> Mr. Katy moved back into our home and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Please believe I asked around, too.


Also, port her number back to a phone plan where you can see the activity.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Katy suggested I put recorders in the house so I plan to do that today when I go see my daughter. I doubt she will get back on my phone plan because she was so angry when I removed her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> Katy suggested I put recorders in the house so I plan to do that today when I go see my daughter. I doubt she will get back on my phone plan because she was so angry when I removed her.


This is where it's dicey.

IF she wants reconciliation, putting the phone back where it belongs is part of the transparency necessary for that.

I would put a VAR under her car seat as well.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Conrad said:


> This is where it's dicey.
> 
> IF she wants reconciliation, putting the phone back where it belongs is part of the transparency necessary for that.


Good point. I will run that by her highness tonight.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> Good point. I will run that by her highness tonight.


As Jack Sparrow would say, "It's a matter of leverage"


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

I don't think I even want to be with her. I just don't want to lose my daughter.

But I just talked to my lawyer and he said I can move back into the home but it will nullify the MSA.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolowitz said:


> I don't think I even want to be with her. I just don't want to lose my daughter.
> 
> But I just talked to my lawyer and he said I can move back into the home but it will nullify the MSA.


Move back in to save your own ass. If she is still spreading her thighs to rando men, then she'll eventually get tired of being scrutinized and move out into her own place. Not before she blames you for it, though.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Can't you fight for shared custody? I have it, and my ex cannot leave the state until our daughter is 18.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolo,

You've gone quiet.

Overcome your fear


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

I finally got those recorders placed, but it took some effort. I will go back over there this afternoon before she gets home, to check them. I told her I was considering moving back in and she said she would not allow that if I was still trying to control her. I have never tried to control that woman so of course, we got into an argument. I told her she cannot keep me out of our home and she said she would change the locks. I told her I would break in and thus another fight ensued. Her actions tell me she is still involved with someone else. I don't really care though. I just don't want to lose my kid.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> I finally got those recorders placed, but it took some effort. I will go back over there this afternoon before she gets home, to check them.


Let us know what you find.




Wolowitz said:


> I told her I was considering moving back in and she said she would not allow that if I was still trying to control her. I have never tried to control that woman so of course, we got into an argument.


One of the guidelines here is "Talk less, do more"

Why are you telling her what you're going to do? Emotionally, she sees that as you submitting to her.

Just do it.



Wolowitz said:


> I told her she cannot keep me out of our home and she said she would change the locks. I told her I would break in and thus another fight ensued. Her actions tell me she is still involved with someone else. I don't really care though. I just don't want to lose my kid.


The tools of the blameshifter. Do something outrageous - provoke a fight, then blame you for overreacting (which you did)

Stop arguing with her.

Start leading.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Well I heard her talking to a man on the VAR that was under her car seat. She had him on speaker phone and they were talking about their steamy night together. I took it to my lawyer this morning. 

Today while she is at work, I am moving all my stuff back in our house. If she doesn't want to live with me she will move out but she is not taking my daughter.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> Well I heard her talking to a man on the VAR that was under her car seat. She had him on speaker phone and they were talking about their steamy night together. I took it to my lawyer this morning.
> 
> Today while she is at work, I am moving all my stuff back in our house. If she doesn't want to live with me she will move out but she is not taking my daughter.


I'd glad you got what you were looking for.

I'm sorry she broke your heart.

Take note of what she is and quit arguing with her.

Talk less - do more.

Strong leadership now.

And... if she starts talking reconciliation?

posOM has got to go - before it's even a consideration.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Conrad said:


> posOM has got to go - before it's even a consideration.


I do not want her...especially after what I heard on that recorder. She can go to hell.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolowitz said:


> Well I heard her talking to a man on the VAR that was under her car seat. She had him on speaker phone and they were talking about their steamy night together. I took it to my lawyer this morning.


Wow. 

I'm sorry, hon.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> I do not want her...especially after what I heard on that recorder. She can go to hell.


So often, I hear people complain that TAM is so quick to point at possible infidelity.

If TAM wasn't right about it more often than not, I'd be concerned.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

I knew there was someone else. A couple does not go from sex 4 times a week to twice a month for no reason. I hope it is worth it though because I am going to burn her ass for trying to make me out to be the bad person.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> I knew there was someone else. A couple does not go from sex 4 times a week to twice a month for no reason. I hope it is worth it though because I am going to burn her ass for trying to make me out to be the bad person.


Keep us in the loop.

I would love to see her face when she denies it and you play the tape.

Then again, your lawyer may just prefer to put posOM's name in the legal filing.

Be sure to add them both to cheaterville.com - and let posOMW know of their activities.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I would suggest moving this CWI for more exposure and guidance.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> I would suggest moving this CWI for more exposure and guidance.


But I am not coping with infidelity. I am going through a separation and divorce.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Keep us in the loop.
> 
> I would love to see her face when she denies it and you play the tape.
> 
> ...


I did add them both to cheaterville and I tried to contact his wife but she has changed her number or turned off her phone. I wish I knew where she worked. I was going to also expose them to their workplace but it would not matter. Everyone there knows already anyway.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolowitz said:


> I was going to also expose them to their workplace but it would not matter. Everyone there knows already anyway.


Do it! Now!

SCANA has a *VERY* strict policy regarding relationships within the company. Mr. Katy's boss was terminated, last year, for having an affair with a co-worker.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Is that right?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolowitz said:


> Is that right?


Absolutely. 

Call the Ethics Department, in HR, and tell them you'd like to file a formal complaint against active employees.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Right on. Thanks gorgeous.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> I did add them both to cheaterville and I tried to contact his wife but she has changed her number or turned off her phone. I wish I knew where she worked. I was going to also expose them to their workplace but it would not matter. Everyone there knows already anyway.


Check staystrong's sample workplace exposure letter.

It's perfect.

I would send it.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Hi everyone. My ex wife admitted to adultery after she found out she was pregnant with a married mans baby. The divorce will be final next month. She got fired, moved in with him, and left our daughter with me. She has visitation every other weekend and pays child support. Hope everyone is doing okay.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> Hi everyone. My ex wife admitted to adultery after she found out she was pregnant with a married mans baby. The divorce will be final next month. She got fired, moved in with him, and left our daughter with me. She has visitation every other weekend and pays child support. Hope everyone is doing okay.


How are you?


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

I'm good man. I stay pretty busy with work and a 2 year old but I will not complain about the situation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> I'm good man. I stay pretty busy with work and a 2 year old but I will not complain about the situation.


I was hoping you were well.

This has all been very jarring for you.

She may never wake up. But, that's no longer your problem. If you're of a mind to, please stick around and trade some posts. This is a first-rate group of folks.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

I agree. I was in the middle of dealing with my mind being blown and didn't even think about this forum. Now that the dust has settled I would like to interact with others going through the same things.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> I agree. I was in the middle of dealing with my mind being blown and didn't even think about this forum. Now that the dust has settled I would like to interact with others going through the same things.


Best way to internalize the idea of actually loving yourself is to help teach it to others.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I've read through this entire thread, and man...you are really keeping yourself together through this ordeal.

I admire your strength. Wishing you the best.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

SkyHigh said:


> I've read through this entire thread, and man...you are really keeping yourself together through this ordeal.
> 
> I admire your strength. Wishing you the best.


Thanks man!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolowitz said:


> Hi everyone. My ex wife admitted to adultery after she found out she was pregnant with a married mans baby. The divorce will be final next month. She got fired, moved in with him, and left our daughter with me. She has visitation every other weekend and pays child support. Hope everyone is doing okay.


Whoa! 

I didn't see that coming. I'm glad you're making the most of a yucky situation!


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

HappyKaty said:


> Whoa!
> 
> I didn't see that coming. I'm glad you're making the most of a yucky situation!


You're the one that turns lemons into lemonade.

She just came to pick up Alleigh for the night and told me she would sign over all rights if I would agree to no child support. Wtf? How is my kid supposed to grow up without a mother?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Wow. Sounds like she wants a clean break. Some people just want to start over and move on...and daughter may serve as a reminder of her shameful past.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

Yea. She was such a good mom though. I just don't understand it.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Don't fight her. You don't need her money. You're completely free from her, if she signs those documents.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> Yea. She was such a good mom though. I just don't understand it.


"Good moms" do not behave this way.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolowitz said:


> You're the one that turns lemons into lemonade.
> 
> She just came to pick up Alleigh for the night and told me she would sign over all rights if I would agree to no child support. Wtf? How is my kid supposed to grow up without a mother?


Do it.

Stick with us.

We'll help you find someone better.

Guaranteed.

Read Zillard's thread. Quite clearly, your STBXW is one of those.


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

I'm not worried about me. My daughter loves her so much. She was so excited to see her today.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Wolowitz said:


> I'm not worried about me. My daughter loves her so much. She was so excited to see her today.


She's young, dear. As much as it sucks, she'll forget about her.

Like Conrad said, read Z's thread...from start to finish. He's a crazy awesome single dad. You will be, too!


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

If you have custody of your daughter and your exw only has visitation rights every other weekend -- I would not let her off the hook of paying child support and or of being her mother. My guess is that she will stop seeing your daughter anyway, even if she is so money conscious -- but why should she get off free of her obligation.


I would only drop the child support from exw if it hurts you or your daughter.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Wolowitz said:


> Hi everyone. My ex wife admitted to adultery after she found out she was pregnant with a married mans baby. The divorce will be final next month. She got fired, moved in with him, and left our daughter with me. She has visitation every other weekend and pays child support. Hope everyone is doing okay.


Does the new boyfriend have any kids from his marriage ??

They must be in luv -- since they are expecting a child and moved in together -- NOT !!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jh52 said:


> If you have custody of your daughter and your exw only has visitation rights every other weekend -- I would not let her off the hook of paying child support and or of being her mother. My guess is that she will stop seeing your daughter anyway, even if she is so money conscious -- but why should she get off free of her obligation.
> 
> 
> I would only drop the child support from exw if it hurts you or your daughter.



I agree.

Let her keep paying. Dont let her off the hook. She's is on the hook till her/your daughter is 20+ y.o. Dont forget that she must contribute to your daughter's post-secondary education.

You'll never know the future. You dont know what may befall on your financial position. Your daughter may need her monetary support from her mother.

Let this be a reminder to her for the next 2 decades of her poor life choice and that she must take her consequences.


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