# Going through our seperarion



## JustINaVW (Jul 20, 2017)

I'm lost without her. We have 2 kids together. We have been together for 9 years and married for less than a year. She was only 17 when I met her and I was 24. She turned 18 before anything serious happend. We had our first child when she was 19.
Back in November of 2016, I went on a business trip for 2 weeks. We got into an argument about something insignificant half way through. When I got back, she told me she wanted to separate. She said she felt free for the first time in a long time while I was gone. I asked if we could try therapy before going that route. I started seeing a therapist for about 3 weeks and then she joined in. Things seemed to be going well.
Let me give you some back story. About three years before this, she had an emotional affair with my good friend at the time. Within a week of me finding out my best feiend died suddenly. I was a complete wreck for the next month or so. We talked about everything that had gone on. We agreed to not speak to that friend again as it was to much. We never really felt with the problem though. She said I was being controlling which pushed her away and that's why she started talking with my friend. I never really worked on my controlling issues and they just got worse. She said she took it because of what she had did. I have never and never will get physical with her. I have lost my temper and yelled a lot through out the years. I feel like I understand why the affair happend but I just can't forgive her completely. I want to so that we can move on. In addition to my controlling behavior, I started looking sight of my own life. I got to where all I wanted to do was hang out with her. When she wanted "me time" I would get very jealous. After therapy, I realized what I was doing was wrong. I know I wouldn't want to be treated that way. I would still get jealous and upset but I learned how to control myself and would just talk to her. Things seemed to be good while going to therapy. Then just before fathers day 2017 it all went down hill again. She had to work 9 days in a row and all week I had been telling her how excited I was to spend time together on her upcoming day off. Within 20 min of me getting home from work, she said she wanted to go hangout with her girlfriend. I lost my temper. I started yelling and telling her she never wanted to spend time with me she was very quite during all of this. She spoke to me but short quick answers. The next day she made an appointment to see our therapist. She wanted till the next weekend to tell me she wanted to separate. 
We see each other everyday and things are nice. We even hug everyti.e we are saying goodbye. It's still hard for us to stop calling each other babe. 
She says she wants a minimum of a 6 month seperation. Her sister is moving back her from cross country and they will be getting an apartment. I'm currently live with my parents until this happens. I will then be back in our house. Whenever I asked if we are working things out she tells me she is just working on making herself happy. Then she will worry about our future. 
I have been giving her space. We text back and forth all day about random things and also talk about random things when we are together. But if I bring up our relationship she gets real defensive and demands we change the subject. I have learned to leave it alone for now. We did agree that in a few months when/if she is ready, we will talk about everything. 
I am just so confused. I don't know if she is stringing me along or if she truly doesn't know what she wants. I feel like she is going through a quarter life crisis. 
I just started talking with a new therapist. I like her so far and feel comfortable. I know I shouldn't rush things. I'm working on building my self esteam and self worth back up. I'm learning to live my own life again. I just want to know if everything is gonna be ok or if we are doomed to fail. I'm very confused.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

All I can say to you is now is the time to work on yourself, continue working on yourself to become the man you ought to be to lead in your marriage/family.

Leave your wife be for the time being, back off, emotionally detach, you are chasing after her, stop it. Let things settle. No contact unless its about admin matters. If you want to win her back, start with yourself.


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## JustINaVW (Jul 20, 2017)

I feel like she is the one initiating all the contact. She will start texting and I just go with the flow. I'm not trying to talk about our relationship as I know she's not ready. 
I've been actively looking for a group hobby to make more friends. I'm signed up for softball coming in September. Until then, I'm just going to the gym every night once the kids go to bed, my parents are fine with me leaving them when there asleep. I'm trying to get out there. 
I'm hoping the therapy will help me see my faults for what they truly are so I can start working on them. 
I want to be a better me. I know that I can be as I've been there before. It's just hard to get back up when ur down. 
My parents are taking all the grand kids on their annual trip coming up. So this Sunday when we usually exchange the kids and have breakfast together, we have decided to cook dinner for the 2 of us. What should I say to her about how much talking and time we spend together. To be honest I like it as I get to spend time with her. I'm just worried if I tell her we need to stop, it will push her away.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Check out the site meetup.com, it's not dating site. It's a site that has activities in your local are (search by zip code). You just might find a meetup or two that does activities/hobbies that you enjoy. It's a good way to get to do things you are interested in and to meet people who like doing them.

Also, get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below). Read them and do the work they suggest. If and when your wife is more willing to work with you, get her to read them with you and do the work with you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JustINaVW said:


> I feel like she is the one initiating all the contact. She will start texting and I just go with the flow. I'm not trying to talk about our relationship as I know she's not ready.
> I've been actively looking for a group hobby to make more friends. I'm signed up for softball coming in September. Until then, I'm just going to the gym every night once the kids go to bed, my parents are fine with me leaving them when there asleep. I'm trying to get out there.
> I'm hoping the therapy will help me see my faults for what they truly are so I can start working on them.
> I want to be a better me. I know that I can be as I've been there before. It's just hard to get back up when ur down.
> My parents are taking all the grand kids on their annual trip coming up. So this Sunday when we usually exchange the kids and have breakfast together, we have decided to cook dinner for the 2 of us. What should I say to her about how much talking and time we spend together. To be honest I like it as I get to spend time with her. I'm just worried if I tell her we need to stop, it will push her away.


Dont talk about the marriage at all, just be in the moment, enjoy cooking and chatting about other things, enjoy the time with no expectations, no demands, nothing.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She doesn't want to work on the marriage at all during the separation, so I'd say that from her standpoint, she's done. I don't think she's going to give the marriage a chance at all. I would start getting ready for divorce.


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## JustINaVW (Jul 20, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> She doesn't want to work on the marriage at all during the separation, so I'd say that from her standpoint, she's done. I don't think she's going to give the marriage a chance at all. I would start getting ready for divorce.


She hasn't said she didn't want to work on our relationship throughout the seperation. She said she's not ready to give it a go just yet. I just left that open for her to come to me when she's ready. We do talk about the good times. Just not ready to talk about our problems just yet. I'm in the hoping for the best but preparing for the worst kinda scenario right now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Better check your phone bill.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Better check your phone bill.


:iagree:


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Better check your phone bill.


This.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

This is going to sound harsh, but may be true. This is exactly why 24 yr olds shouldn't have anything to do with 17 yr old children. Why weren't you looking for someone closer to your own age? Probably because only a child would allow controlling behavior, and a grown woman would not.

Then you got your teenaged GF pregnant, and now she feels that you took away her young adult years by straddling her with a child, and she is resentful.


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## JustINaVW (Jul 20, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> This is going to sound harsh, but may be true. This is exactly why 24 yr olds shouldn't have anything to do with 17 yr old children. Why weren't you looking for someone closer to your own age? Probably because only a child would allow controlling behavior, and a grown woman would not.
> 
> Then you got your teenaged GF pregnant, and now she feels that you took away her young adult years by straddling her with a child, and she is resentful.


I don't know what to say. I see what your saying from where I'm sitting now. But back then I couldn't see that. We were in love. We didn't accidentally get knocked up. We planned for it. We were young and not thinking clearly. What can I say. I wasn't always controlling. I didn't even realize I was until we started going to therapy. Ever since I came to that realization I've been controlling myself and not her.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

But don't forget that she is trying to DARVO you and make you feel like this is totally your fault, which is not true. If she was unhappy with the situation, she should have communicated that to you, then seek help thru counseling or other means. And only if it is clearly beyond fixing, then work towards an amicable separation/divorce. 

I would be concerned with her request to separate. Women typically by nature are into 1 man in their life at a time. The reason for seeking a separation is that she may have already latched onto another fella and doesn't want to cheat on him with you. Is her sister single? If yes that may be a recipe for them to host single guys in their new place together and cover for each other with both babysitting and lies to separated husbands.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Shes calling the shots. Your plan b 

Shes testing the market guilt free as your waiting in the background.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

JustINaVW said:


> She hasn't said she didn't want to work on our relationship throughout the seperation. She said she's not ready to give it a go just yet. I just left that open for her to come to me when she's ready. We do talk about the good times. Just not ready to talk about our problems just yet. I'm in the hoping for the best but preparing for the worst kinda scenario right now.


I took that she's getting an apartment with her sister to mean that she's not planning on dealing with thinking about how the marriage could be better at all, nor will she think about that in the future. It doesn't make sense to prepare for the worst. Normally when a spouse shuts down like this in a marriage it usually means they're done. I could be wrong and I hope that I am.


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## JustINaVW (Jul 20, 2017)

I just don't know. She tells me she loves me and that this is hard for her. I am still seeing a therapist once a week. It's been nice talking with her about the known problems and what I can do to get through them. It's getting to the point where I'm going to ask her to join the session soon. Her actions and half of what she says tells me she wants us to work out. But she still tells me she doesn't know what's gonna happen.


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