# Processing an apology



## TooNice

Longtime member, but I haven't posted here in ages. This community was a saving grace for me as I navigated the problems in my marriage, the collapse of it and ultimately my divorce and new beginning.
My ex husband cheated on me at least twice over the course of our 21 years together. When he told me our marriage was over, I had yet to learn about the very long term relationship he was involved in. When I found out, that knowledge shattered me. Not because he cheated, but that he used me to play a role in holding our family together until he felt the time was right to divorce. I was stripped of my chance to start anew years earlier so that I could help him save face.
We have now been divorced for over six years. I am a better woman and a better person now. I am proud of the work I have done. Yet I still struggle with the anger and grief about so much. I am almost 50 and have not had a significant relationship since my divorce. I wanted more children. I miss my ex's family. I miss having a family. I still feel robbed. And he got to walk out of our marriage and into his new family. His wife gets to have my in-laws and my holidays. I continue to do the work, but that part remains. 

Yesterday, I received an e-mail of apology from my ex. He said that he's been trying to find the right words for months and they finally came. He's been going to church and is recognizing now that he was incapable of being the man he needed to be to save our marriage. He stated lots of places where the blame could rest but that ultimately it was all on him. And that I played no role and had no fault in it.

He thanked me for the stance I took in our divorce and our dealings thereafter - always putting our son (who was heading off to college when we split) first, and not focusing on the anger and hurt like I could have.

He said he does not need or expect a response.

I know his actions were rooted in narcissistic tendencies and never in a million years would I think that he would be sorry. I didn't think he could recognize wrongdoing. I was certain he could justify everything he did.

I'm shaken and still a bit in shock. I have a therapy appointment next week, so I know I will be talking about this at that time. Today I am thinking a lot. And journaling. And asking questions. Do I want to respond? If I am working on myself and embodying love and kindness, isn't it right to acknowledge his words, even if he is not asking for it? Will accepting his apology in that way help me to finally let go? Can I tell him that I am not even angry about the cheating, but the fact that he kept me locked into our marriage like a bird in a cage? To help him see that part of story? Does it matter or do I just take his apology and be grateful for that?

So many emotions. So many questions. So much soul-searching to do.

Have any of you experienced this? How did you handle it? How would you handle it? I really am such a different woman than the one he divorced. I am grounded. I love myself. I meditate. But the anger and grief around this still remains as a constant project for me. I am really hoping that ultimately I can see this as a gift he has given me to move forward. I'm just not sure how yet.


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## Affaircare

@TooNice ,

I think I can make this rather brief. I believe it might be a very civil gesture just to reply back, "I have received your letter and I appreciate it. Thank you." THE END. The part about working through the anger--that is your work and has little or nothing to do with him. 

Let me put it another way. What if you were able to write to him and lay your entire heart "out there" in a way that he understood that for you, he cheated you out of the opportunity to say "I don't choose to stay locked in this marriage". Let's imagine he "gets it"--truly. What could he say or do that would "make it better"? Nothing. There is no way for another human being to fix this feeling you have, because it is inside you...it's not "caused by him." Make sense?

Thus, I would recommend acknowledging receipt of his letter ... maybe even "thanks for making the effort" but other than that, work with your counselor on how to process those feelings of being cheated from the life you wanted and kind of still want.


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## Mr.Married

Affaircare said it perfectly .....

Thank You , I appreciate it. Good bye.

The absolute last thing you want to do is leave some kind of open ended response. Right now you are in the drivers seat. You want it to remain that way.


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## happyhusband0005

I agree @Affaircare is right in a simple acknowledgement is appropriate. As an analysis if your ex does have narcissistic tendencies, his apology might just be him trying to unburden himself or show you he's actually a decent person so in other words it may just be for his own benefit and not for yours. Maintaining a focus on yourself and moving your life forward has nothing to do with him, so his intentions really don't matter because they have nothing to do with your path now.


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## TJW

TooNice said:


> is recognizing now that he was incapable of being the man he needed to be


Horse$hit. 100% horse$hit. The truth is that he WAS CAPABLE of being the man he needed to be. He just sinfully gave himself permission to be otherwise.

@Affaircare and the others are correct. Don't "accept" any apologies which do not reflect a correct understanding of his own actions.



Affaircare said:


> "thanks for making the effort"


As Curly said....."...poifect..."....


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## heartsbeating

TooNice said:


> He said he does not need or expect a response.
> 
> I know his actions were rooted in narcissistic tendencies and never in a million years would I think that he would be sorry. I didn't think he could recognize wrongdoing.


In fairness to you, know that I'm responding from a position of not dealing with this type of scenario. However, I have an opinion and a keyboard, so here goes!

Based on what you know of him, and that he does not need or expect a response, I would consider this may still all be about him; rather than an attempt to alleviate your pain. From the perspective that it was written for his own benefit, I would not respond. In saying that, you need to do what feels right for you. It would be interesting to continue reflecting on which way is going to feel right for what you need.


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## Openminded

My ex-husband briefly apologized as he was walking out the door. My response was “Okay”.


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## Diana7

Its good that he has now acknowledged his actions as being wrong and said sorry. Many of us never get that but we need to forgive anyway whether we get that appology or not . 
Just a short, 'thank you' would be all that was needed I feel.


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## blahfridge

You’ve gotten good advice, but I’ll add one point I haven’t seen yet. You really don’t know his motivation for the apology. You are assuming it’s with good intentions because you sound like a very good person yourself. But I caution you to consider that his reaching out now may be simply a case of the grass is not so green anymore with the new wife. Perhaps I’m too cynical, but people like your ex rarely have a sudden epiphany of their wrongdoing. He’s known what he did to you was awful for a long time. 
Acknowledge the apology if you must. But I wouldn’t thank him for anything. This man may just be looking for comfort from a reliable source.


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## TooNice

Thank you all for your responses. 

Apologies are always made to benefit the person making the apology. That is a given. He did state his motivation - he's attending church - something he never did when we were together. He mentioned a men's ministry, so I believe that he is working to make amends. He made no reference to his words being about me. He simply wanted to say what he had to say. Especially since I thought I would never receive an acknowledgement of his actions, I have to give credit that it was a very well thought out message. 

I know I don't have to say anything. I don't know that it's in my nature to just ignore it, but I don't know yet what I want to do. I have time. I can give myself some grace and time to work through my feelings. It is true that my feelings are still my feelings and my responsibility. Sharing more of my perspective with him won't change that. I'd like to work with my therapist to use this as a tool to help me deal with my residual feelings and heal. But I think that includes finally letting go and forgiving him. I want to think he's provided a way for me to start that. I want to find good in this.


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## Casual Observer

> I miss my ex's family. I miss having a family. I still feel robbed. And he got to walk out of our marriage and into his new family. His wife gets to have my in-laws and my holidays. I continue to do the work, but that part remains.


So you were close to your in-laws? What happened when they discovered their son was cheating on you? Did they take his side and your anger about "losing" them is from that? Or do you wish you still had a connection with them?

Is this something where it's possible your ex has come far enough that you could be comfortable re-establishing a relationship with your in-laws, have an extended family of sorts again? 

I'm just wondering if there's a bit more to this than it first looks like, and if your ex did provide you with an opening that could be of value.


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## Marc878

Crickets


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## In Absentia

My wife did that to me. We were divorcing and then she changed her mind to keep the family together (she didn't tell me that) only to announce to me that our sex life was finished 10 years later. I did make mistakes but I was always honest and clear with her. I feel cheated too. And now I'm stuck with stupid Covid too... she did apologise, though... "sorry for not being the wife you wanted me to be". But no qualms in enjoying the lifestyle I'm providing her. The only excuse is that she has mental issues. Still, where is the honesty?


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## Luckylucky

I haven’t been in this situation, but a long time ago a relative hurt me very badly and after many years I received a similar letter that shocked me, I never expected an apology and was still filled with a lot of rage. It was much like yours, they had some life-changing insight and so on. They took all the blame, it wasn’t my fault. 

The best advice I received was to give myself time, and more time and to hold back on any acknowledgement or response. Something just didn’t sit right, given the person’s ‘actions’. 

Well it was good advice, the next contact they made was quite different, and the next contact was even worse - they had other things to say and that first nice letter was really just a hook to bring me back to being voiceless again. They did not like the silence and lack of response! The first contact was sorry and taking blame. But unfortunately they became enraged when I didn’t respond. 

Really, they weren’t sorry at all, but couldn’t handle the shame and wanted to let me know that they did what they did and why did I have to bring it up and tell people and make them feel so bad. 

It was basically how dare you not reply to me when I’m trying so hard to explain why I needed to hurt you, and how hard my life is blah blah blah blah. 

You’ve got your feelings, he’s got his. 

You were cheated and robbed of many things, don’t give him an ear to let him rob you of any more.


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## FlaviusMaximus

He doesn't expect a response, why give him one? It sounds like you've done a lot of work and suffered to get to a better place - hard fought as they say. Why let this be a sidetrack by giving it any attention at all?


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## TJW

TooNice said:


> I want to think he's provided a way for me to start that. I want to find good in this.


One far more wise than I said "....seek...and ye shall find....". Forgiveness is one of His very best gifts. I'm sure you will find it.


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## Young at Heart

The shorter you keep your response, the better it will be.


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## jlg07

How about "Acknowledged". 
Simple and simply states you got his message. No nice, no encouraging further correspondence, and no "acceptance".


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## Laurentium

TooNice said:


> He mentioned a men's ministry, so I believe that he is working to make amends.


Hmm. Sounds like box-ticking, then.


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## blahfridge

Laurentium said:


> Hmm. Sounds like box-ticking, then.


Yep. I know that many feel forgiveness should follow a religious epiphany, but I'd take it with a grain of salt. OP's H was the worst kind of cheater because he intentionally waited until it was convenient for him, never once thinking about the impact on his wife. Now he feels badly? He knew then it was wrong, just as much as he knows now. He just didn't want to face the truth about himself, which is that he was a selfish, weak, entitled liar. And I say this as someone who was cheated on and who cheated back. Even though I was engaging in a revenge/reaction affair, I knew it was wrong. I was terrified that my children would find out, that my life would be blown up, that I'd be on my own financially with no safety net. So I lied to everyone and I walked around feeling panicked all the time. Her H was doing much worse. Now that his life is safely settled he wants to think of himself as a good person again. That's not your job, OP. People rarely send an apology with no expectation of a response. He wants your absolution so he can tick off the box of forgiveness for his sins. You can bet his mens ministry group are giving him a nice pat on the back for now being an upstanding Christian man.


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## karmagoround

If you feel robbed, you should give him the chance to restitute to ease his mind. 
Explain to him how much those year meant to you, how much you were cheated out of, how he could never really repay you. Make the amount significant enough so that you would feel better. If he is sorry, he will pay you. 
Can't hurt to ask!


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## SunCMars

heartsbeating said:


> In fairness to you, know that I'm responding from a position of not dealing with this type of scenario. However, I have an opinion and a keyboard, so here goes!
> 
> Based on what you know of him, and that he does not need or expect a response, I would consider this may still all be about him; rather than an attempt to alleviate your pain. From the perspective that *it was written for his own benefit*, I would not respond. In saying that, you need to do what feels right for you. It would be interesting to continue reflecting on which way is going to feel right for what you need.


Exactly. 

His may have done this for the benefit of his new wife.
To make himself look good in her eyes and in his families eyes.
Yes, his families.

You can bet, they will her about his new felt guilt and how he set things right.

Grey rock him.

Absolutely, do not respond to him.

Remember, all those years he gave you no reprieve, no honoring.
He let you stew.

I am so sorry...

Do you think sitting in church inspired this gesture?
Maybe, he is clearing the slate for God's forgiveness.

Let God deal with him. 

Ignore him.
That is his due from you.

If you are at all religious, do thank God and call it a day!


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## AVR1962

Wow!!!!! An apology....no, no apology here. I was the one who left and I told my ex exactly why. There was no affair on my part, it was all about the relationship between he and I that I did blame on him fully for the failure at the time. I was very very hurt, much like yourself. I was no longer going to stand for his issues with addiction or his desire to seek other women. I think he felt his behavior was normal male behavior, the very words he said to our counselor. 

I can understand your confusion, I can understand your hurt, your pain, and feeling ribbed of the life you wanted as a married couple. I hope his apology will be helpful in moving on and you will be able to put these hurts behind you.


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