# Married 10 yrs, together 15, lack of sex, husband wants to leave me



## SadWife74

So a couple months ago my husband informed me that he did not know if he wanted to be married anymore, after 10 yrs of marriage and 15 yrs together. 
We are in our late 30's and in the beginning we both were always affectionate and always had sex. A few yrs later we had a child, after that most of the affection given by me was gone and sex was not a big deal. Our child is 12 and I still feel the same way. I have never cheated on my husband and have never wanted to leave him but he complains about my lack of affection but I do not do it on purpose.
So here recently he told me again he didn't think we should be together because he is more affectionate than me and it's gone on too long. He said he really doesn't know what he wants. :scratchhead:
Well things have been awkward the past couple days, no "I love you's", no "hello babe" or "bye babe"... just "Hi" and "bye", etc...
I do not want to lose him at all, and again maybe I should go get checked out, I have heard there could be an issue with hormones or something, what is everyone's opinion. Help!


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## Tomson

I am going to be as plain as I can be. You and your husband are married. Marriage is a social contract regulated by the state. One of the conditions of that contract is sexual fidelity. If sexual fidelity is going to exist in your union - don't you think there must be sex in the first place? You are not honoring the basic tenets of the marital contract and you don't know what your husband wants. I may be totally off, but I think he wants to be sexually desired and validated just as any healthy person would want to be. No one should have to beg for sex. Your sexual desire is your responsibility, not his. It takes two to tango, but if you are just think about getting your hormones checked now, I honestly wonder if you are very committed to the relationship. Why don't you want him to leave you. It sounds like you are living with a roommate - not a husband. I think he has emotionally already begun to leave. If I were you, I would definitely commit to talking with your doctor about this and then getting into couples therapy with your husband. I think behind his anger is a tremendous amount of hurt. Hurt from being rejected and feeling the ambivalence of loving a wife incompletely. There may come a day when one of you is physically unable to have a sexual capacity and I can only imagine the regret you would both feel should that day come sooner than later. If he has put up with this and been faithful and supportive - he sounds like a real catch. I am not blaming you for your feelings in any way. I know that no one asks for their sexuality and you didn't either. I am saying that you are responsible for taking action and pursuing all avenues open to you before you decide to shut down an integral part of marital intimacy. Good luck to both of you going forward.


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## PBear

What Tomson said. What you're doing is breaking you're wedding vows. In those vows, you likely asked him to be faithful to you. And in exchange, you promised a healthy sexual relationship (to paraphrase). 

My wife also shut down our sex life in our thirties, after our two kids were born. I wasn't as honourable as it seems your husband is; I cheated before I ended the marriage. But in the end, I still ended up leaving. It wasn't till after I left that I realized how hurt and damaged I was after years of rejection from her.

My advice... If you'd like to save your marriage, throw yourself 100% into saving it. That means booking your medical tests and being honest with your doctor. It means finding a marriage or couples therapist, booking the appointments, etc. It means arranging date nights, so the two of you can start to bond without your son around. You need to work at rekindling that original passion.

C


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## PBear

By the way... This will likely mean extending yourself way beyond your comfort zone by initiating sex and risking getting rejected. While it may not be nice or fair, you may experience some backlash from his hurt over the past however many years. Swallow your pride, and don't let it hurt you (as much as possible).

C


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## tornado

I would wonder why wait till now to get checked? Probably way to late.


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## frusdil

I echo the others. You are breaking your wedding vows. Sex is an important part of marriage, and you vowed to make it a part of your life when you got married. No spouse has the right to put the kabosh on something so important to a marriage's survival.

I too am wondering why you waited until now to look into this?? Surely you must have known there was a problem long before now...


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## LoriC

Does anyone else see the red flag here where her husband says "I don't know what I want?" He could have possibly already moved on to someone that will give him sex.


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## PBear

LoriC said:


> Does anyone else see the red flag here where her husband says "I don't know what I want?" He could have possibly already moved on to someone that will give him sex.


I wouldn't be surprised if she's got some unpleasant discoveries in her future, unfortunately. But she doesn't give any other red flags. It would bear checking out, just so she can make sure she knows what she's dealing with. 

C


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## Stevenj

SadWife74 said:


> A few yrs later we had a child, after that most of the affection given by me was gone and sex was not a big deal.


The "not a big deal" is a very selfish thing that has driven your husband away. It is an extremely big deal to him. It is his value in the relationship. He is dealing with a lot of anger because he is rejected and frustrated in the relationship. Hopefully it is not too late.


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## Convection

SadWife, there isn't a ton of detail in your post, so it's hard to give good advice without knowing some other things. 

- How often do you and he have sex? 
- What does non-sexual affection look like - do you still kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc.?
- Any major health complications? Illness or are either largely overweight?
- Do you still think he's attractive? If not, what changed?
- Does your child have special needs?

The answers to any of those things would tailor advice to you. Generally, here are some things you can do that may or may not help, pending answers to the above:

1) Yes, physical issues can contribute, so you can see a doctor.
2) If you have unresolved trauma in your life (abuse, personal loss) that could interfere with intimacy, see a counselor and get it resolved. 
2a) Alternately, you can (and should) suggest to him that you both attend marital counseling to at least try to resolve your issues before getting divorced.
3) Read on bettering your M. Recommended here a lot are His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages.
4) Communicate. Make sure you and he understand each others wants and needs clearly.
5) Start initiating some affection. Even if you don't feel the desire, think about making your H happy. 

Last, I would ask this: is this the first time your H has voiced his concerns? Were you shocked at his comments or had you known for some time that he's unhappy with the level of affection in your M? If it is the latter, you are going to have a harder time to get over the hump, because he's been giving chances already and you didn't follow through.


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## Hicks

It wasn't a big deal to you, but it was to your husband.
What if he decided 12 years ago that "coming home every night was not a big deal"....... Would you have stayed married to him for the rest of your life?


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## lifeistooshort

Ha, if this was a guy complaining that his wife wanted a divorce and he admitted neglecting her, the men of TAM would be all over her having another man. Voice recorders, check her phone, hire a pi! Because, you know, us women don't leave without someone else lined up.
But since it's a man not getting his due affection whether he has someone else is apparently either a small or non issue.
Nice double standard.
Shocking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

He's not leaving the marriage. You did. About 12 years ago. He's merely gotten tired of living a fraudulent existence. You claim that you haven't cheated on him but I believe you have. You didn't give your affection to another man but you withheld it from your husband, so the betrayal is the same, maybe even worse. 
Maybe you should get checked out? Seriously? Maybe you should have gotten checked out several years ago. If his needs and desires were significant to you at all, you would have. Now that the lack of sex and affection potentially adversely affects you, it's suddenly a problem? 
Perhaps hormones or something else contributed, but you had the means all along to give your husband sex and affection. You just chose not to. Maybe your husband is a saint and you can salvage this. Not be to cruel or add to your pain, but I wouldn't invest another day of my life to someone who thought so little of me.


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## 3Xnocharm

SadWife74 said:


> I have never cheated on my husband and have never wanted to leave him but h*e complains about my lack of affection but I do not do it on purpose.*
> So here recently he told me again he didn't think we should be together because he is more affectionate than me and it's gone on too long. He said he really doesn't know what he wants. :scratchhead:
> Well things have been awkward the past couple days, no "I love you's", no "hello babe" or "bye babe"... just "Hi" and "bye", etc...
> I do not want to lose him at all, and again maybe I should go get checked out, I have heard there could be an issue with hormones or something, what is everyone's opinion. Help!


You state this like it is no big deal and out of your control. Well, its NOT. If you USED to be affectionate but you arent now, then that isnt just how you are. (true for some, some people just are not affectionate by nature) Things changed. Your husband stuck around so you have seen no reason to improve. I can tell you right now, that you dont have a hormone issue. Its all in your head. I know because I have been there. I lost all desire and affection for my XH and there was no hormone issue, I had an issue with being treated like dirt, so it was ALL mental. So what is YOUR issue? Did you just push your husband to the end of your priority list because you had kids? Thats what it sounds like to me, he has been taken for granted. You better put on those big girl panties and fix this QUICK or he will be gone, if he isnt already.


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## howdidthishappentome?

lifeistooshort said:


> Ha, if this was a guy complaining that his wife wanted a divorce and he admitted neglecting her, the men of TAM would be all over her having another man. Voice recorders, check her phone, hire a pi! Because, you know, us women don't leave without someone else lined up.
> But since it's a man not getting his due affection whether he has someone else is apparently either a small or non issue.
> Nice double standard.
> Shocking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I find fascinating is the implicit _demand_ for a sexual partner, this sense of ownership of someone else's body. Breaking the marriage vows, breaking the marriage vows! Sex is not a God-given right in a marriage, it's something you work at together. However, sexual incompatibility is a fair reason for divorce. I think this couple could be on the road to recovery, but only if they can agree on a level of sexuality that works for both of them. I do think that hormones play a huge role in desire and that needs to be checked out, but willingness to communicate and explore do, too. Becoming sexual again is a very vulnerable time, and standing there tapping your foot insisting on honoring the marriage vows (wave flag here) as if sexual interest came with a voluntary on-off switch hardly helps.


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## unbelievable

Funny you should say that sex isn't a God given right for married partners. It's actually a God given mandate for married partners and for those who profess to believe in Christian teachings, a husband does "own" the wife's body and the wife "owns" the husband's. If my wife cannot expect sex and affection from me, how could my adultery possibly even concern her? Under your premise, she'd have no reasonable expectation of sexual fidelity on my part. Our relationship would not be based on vows but on whatever our feelings happened to be (which would make marriage no more binding than any hook-up). Typical marriage vows include a public promise (often to God) that one's sexuality will belong solely to one's betrothed. That vow implies that partners will take care of the reasonable sexual needs of the other. Otherwise, one would be vowing to be possibly be celibate, which I seriously doubt most people would agree to.


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## unbelievable

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 1 Cor 7-4


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## 3Xnocharm

unbelievable said:


> Funny you should say that sex isn't a God given right for married partners. It's actually a God given mandate for married partners and for those who profess to believe in Christian teachings, a husband does "own" the wife's body and the wife "owns" the husband's. If my wife cannot expect sex and affection from me, how could my adultery possibly even concern her? Under your premise, she'd have no reasonable expectation of sexual fidelity on my part. Our relationship would not be based on vows but on whatever our feelings happened to be (which would make marriage no more binding than any hook-up). Typical marriage vows include a public promise (often to God) that one's sexuality will belong solely to one's betrothed. That vow implies that partners will take care of the reasonable sexual needs of the other. Otherwise, one would be vowing to be possibly be celibate, which I seriously doubt most people would agree to.


But that right still must be continued to be earned, sorry. You cannot treat someone like sh!t and expect them to share themselves with you. There has to be caring, mutual respect, and communication.


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## LongWalk

One problem now is that your may wish to initiate sex now to save your marriage. However, there are two obstacles:

1) He does not want duty sex. He wants you to enjoy it. He wants to be a mind-blowing lover. Perhaps now his confidence is not really there anymore.

2) He may want to reject you back to hurt you the way he was hurt. He has been detaching from you. Although men are less emotional about sex, they still desire love and affection. 

If you had good sexual chemistry at one time, you will have an easier time rekindling.

You can start by being more physically affectionate in general. Hugs. Go to the movies and hold hands. If you are vulnerable and he feels that, he will perhaps become more confident.


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## Tomson

Has anyone noticed that the lady who originally posted this question has not commented back and the comments seem to have sort of taken on a life of their own with some people dividing up along gender lines? Well, I think these are all pretty good comments and that it's fine if people have different opinions - that's what makes for a good dialogue. But if the original poster is not going to comment, I think I shall move along. Thanks so much for all your insights.


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## PBear

3Xnocharm said:


> But that right still must be continued to be earned, sorry. You cannot treat someone like sh!t and expect them to share themselves with you. There has to be caring, mutual respect, and communication.


But there was no mention in the original post of someone being treated like "sh!t"... And for that matter, if someone is being treated that way, it behooves them to raise the issue and deal with the problem behavior. Otherwise (to continue the thread of bad behavior deserves more bad behavior), the person having to go without sex is entitled to have an affair. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## howdidthishappentome?

PBear said:


> But there was no mention in the original post of someone being treated like "sh!t"... And for that matter, if someone is being treated that way, it behooves them to raise the issue and deal with the problem behavior. Otherwise (to continue the thread of bad behavior deserves more bad behavior), the person having to go without sex is entitled to have an affair.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Maybe this is nitpicking, but I disagree that anyone is "entitled to have an affair", if by affair you mean secretly having sex with someone else. That is not acceptable behavior within a marriage, period, it violates the most basic tenet of marriage, which is not hot and cold running sex on demand, it's trust. If you mean an extramarital relationship that both parties have agreed to, that's different.


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## frusdil

PBear said:


> Otherwise (to continue the thread of bad behavior deserves more bad behavior), the person having to go without sex is entitled to have an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I also disagree with this...entitled to leave the marriage, yes. Entitled to cheat? No.

Get happy or get out, but there's never a valid excuse for cheating.


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## PBear

frusdil said:


> I also disagree with this...entitled to leave the marriage, yes. Entitled to cheat? No.
> 
> Get happy or get out, but there's never a valid excuse for cheating.


My sarcasm font got turned off by accident... My point was that being unhappy with your spouse doesn't entitle you turn unilaterally shut down your sex life, shutting down your sex life doesn't entitle your spouse to cheat on you, cheating on your spouse doesn't entitle you to beat them, etc, etc, etc... In general, escalation of hurts doesn't solve the original problem and just causes more issues.

Having said that... If one spouse shuts down sex in a marriage, they shouldn't really be surprised if the marriage deteriorates in horrible ways. It may be a Cold War, it may be a divorce, it may be cheating, however wrong it is. 

C


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## struggle

I don't know if the OP is coming back....but if she did I question the status of their relationship. Lack of sex is usually just a symptom of a bigger problem in a marriage.

Is it truly that she doesn't think it's a big deal to have sex so she just doesn't?

Or, are there other issues that she just didn't mention?

My XH was picking on the sex, when really our problems were much bigger. At the time I felt like something was wrong with ME, like I had to go see a doctor or a sex therapist or something. When really we needed MC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32

Hicks said:


> It wasn't a big deal to you, but it was to your husband.
> What if he decided 12 years ago that "coming home every night was not a big deal"....... Would you have stayed married to him for the rest of your life?


Hello my wife in 5 years.

I heard not a big deal as the answer to sexless ness. That didn't bother me. What bothered me was the missing empathy that it was a big deal to me. You should sift through the sexless marriage threads on the other forums. Rejection from your spouse is almost as painful as infidelity. When you stop caring about your spouses needs, you send a clear message that you do not love your spouse. That simple. You may love the package he offers, but you do not love him. Fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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