# Does this man like me or not?



## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have just removed this due to the personal context as it happenned such a long time back now.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

I think he really likes you but either he is shy or he is very weary to get in a new relationship. You shoul have a bit of patience with him if you believe that he is a keeper.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Does it bother you that he is so lazy about contact?

For me that would indicate that he isn't really that into you, sorry. If he were you have shown you like him and enjoy spending time with him. It can't be fear of rejection here. It would bother me personally.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks Kristisha, I don't think he is shy he is quite confident but I am sitting there thinking "maybe he is wary" and then wondering if I am just making excuses in my own head and it simply boils down to the fact that if a man truly likes you he wants to see you as soon as possible and talk to you as much as he can :/


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes, it does bother me Kristin. It's not that he is lazy...it's something else. Like I am being kept at arms length. That's how I feel.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

sarajane231 said:


> Thanks Kristisha, I don't think he is shy he is quite confident but I am sitting there thinking "maybe he is wary" and then wondering if I am just making excuses in my own head and it simply boils down to the fact that if a man truly likes you he wants to see you as soon as possible and talk to you as much as he can :/


 You would think so but then again when you initiate he comes running so Maybe he is into you.

Give it a bit of time but in the same time be open to date some other guys and see how he would react. Maybe this awake the hunter in him....just saying


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I understand, how long have you known him? I wouldn't be making all the contact if I were you. It has been two dates with you initiating all the contact. If he really likes you he has your number...Just my opinion.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have known "of" him for around 6 months through a mutual friend. It's been a couple of months since he started texting me. It took me a little time to agree to the first date so that was only two weeks ago that we actually went on a date.

If I don't text him, he does eventually text me...it just takes a couple of days.

I really think dating other people is a bad idea given that he was cheated on. I'd rather make it clear I am only interested in him (even if a little dignity is lost I want to be authentic).

Maybe I am expecting too much, but my past experience is that if a guy goes on a date with you and likes it, he wants the next date within a few days and he texts constantly. I know not everyone is the same.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I would say that when I text him, he responds very well. I would usually not text / chase a man but make an exception for him as it seems to have positive results. If we are texting and he is at work for example I will say "oh sorry, I'll let you get on" and he ill reply "no, please stay...if you want to that is". So he is not being polite, he genuinely enjoys my contact and I feel that very much. But of course it's hard on my confidence when it seems to be me doing all the chase!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

sarajane231 said:


> I have known "of" him for around 6 months through a mutual friend. It's been a couple of months since he started texting me. It took me a little time to agree to the first date so that was only two weeks ago that we actually went on a date.
> 
> If I don't text him, he does eventually text me...it just takes a couple of days.
> 
> ...


OK, so he does text you first sometimes? 

I agree that dating other people will probably turn him off, especially if he is as skittish as he sounds.

Give him a little more time to warm up, but you should cut down a little on the frequency of your initiated contact. Let him know you had a great time with him (if you did) after any dates and encourage him but don't chase him.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Is he an engineer, or an accountant? Just kidding.

He may be a very steady guy but slightly emotionally unavailable and passive. It may take him longer to bond as well. 

He is most comfortable paying attention to you and listening to you but spontaneous self-disclosure is not his strong point.

Can you live with that? I think that is really the question you need to be asking.

Sorry for the generalization, but many women do this all the time.

Does he like me?
Is he interested? etc

From what you said I thinks he likes you , is moving forward, and has been clear enough for you to understand that.

But you are taking aspects of his personality, unique aspect of his personality and are treating them as if they have meaning for you (i.e. does he like me?). They don't really speak to you as much as to him.

Its not "does this mean he likes me?" it's "this is what he is like!"

He is probably a pretty simple man (I know I am) and he is being upfront about what he is like. He does not want to get into a relationship later and be rejected for who he is.

I think the question for you is...If he genuinely cares for you ,will be faithful and committed to your relationship, can you be happy with who he is "TODAY" without expecting much fundamental change in his personality for the long term.

Can you ACCEPT him for who he is telling and showing you he is without trying to change him in any major way. (Yes of course people grow and accommodate each other, but its a question of going in with your eyes open. Don't think "oh he will be soooo much more expressive once we are married, no no no, that a recipe for problems.

Ask yourself if you like him? That is what he wants to know.

Not just do you want to be in a relationship but how compatible are the two of you. I say that without bias, you may indeed be very compatible.

I wish you well, hope this helps.
Take care!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes he sometimes does.

It seems to be on two occassions he texts me first.

1) When we have had a particularly intimate / sweet chat that day and then later in the day he will text "how are you darling?" and it's almost as if my encouragement encourages him.

2) If I ignore him for a day or two

I sense he is not as confident as me for sure, but also that he doesn't want pressure or to move too fast and the attraction between us is quite intense.

I am sure if I dated anyone else, he would be done with me. He's already showed signs of being a little jealous over small things actually.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Decorum that was a very helpful post.

He does not divulge information voluntarily, but he does gentle give it if I ask him and to be honest with you, I find his nature very endearing and attractive because what he does share is very heartfelt and he clearly puts some effort into opening up to me which I love about him.

There's no question of me wanting to change him, only of me feeling the confidence to persevere when I don't feel 100% sure my feelings are reciprocated and also not knowing if the right thing to do is still initiate a conversation every day, or if I should just leave him a few days and wait for him to ask for that date.

Maybe on the next date I can ask him about some of this. He obviously wants to move slower than I do!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I agree with what you say though and for now I should take his words as truth and give the benefit of the doubt that there is no hidden meaning in the fact that he does not behave exactly as I am expecting.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

My guess is that he is a low drama guy who does not play games.

You know the "don't answer right away or never call 2 days in a row" type game stuff.

Which means you should not look for meaning in those things.

If you need to know, it's probably best to ask, "I think about you and miss so I text you most days, I don't want you to feel crowded but I am trusting that if you do you will let me know."

My guess is that his heart rate accelerates a bit when your text comes in so I doubt he will have a problem with it (He will likely say "Oh I love hearing from you"). And this will leave the door open for him to "reciprocate the initiate", which is something I think you will end up wishing he would do more, again are you ok with that? This may be who he is.

Take care.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Decorum said:


> My guess is that his heart rate accelerates a bit when your text comes in so I doubt he will have a problem with it (He will likely say "Oh I love hearing from you").
> Take care.


Thanks Decorum, he has already said that to me. When he sees a text from me it lights him up and he loves getting them. 

No, I don't have a problem with it if that's "just him". 
I'm naturally gregarious and to be honest I am tempted sometimes to just say..."I want this date" and be more light hearted about it instead of letting him take the lead.

I just don't want to be that idiot girl who chases the guy who isn't interested.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

He has also says he thinks about me constantly, so maybe I need to just take his words to be true and stop interpreting things and see what happens. Two dates in two weeks is ok I suppose and let;s hope he asks for the next one soon!


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

He definelly will !


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Give him a little more time, Sarajane, as he's apparently been through a lot! I get the marked impression that he likes you quite a bit so I wouldn't really show any pushiness or impatience with him until such time that he gives you just cause to do so!

At this juncture, I'd consider you to be one very lucky lady! Please keep us all posted on any further developments!*


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sarajane, I thought I remembered you so went back and checked your other threads...I was right - you are who I thought you were.

Sweetie, you've been through the mill after your last relationship. Please be careful, I'd hate to see you hurt again.

Take it slow, enjoy these early dating stages - they're so fleeting these days  Don't think "does he like me?" ask yourself "Do I like him? How does he make me feel? Do I enjoy his company?" and most importantly "Does he like my son?".

After the trauma you and your sweet son went through, please keep this man away from your little boy, until things get serious...just food for thought.

Don't get me wrong - I'm so happy that you are moving forward, just be careful ok? xx


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

sarajane231 said:


> Yes, it does bother me Kristin. It's not that he is lazy...it's something else. *Like I am being kept at arms length. That's how I feel.*


Hi Sarajane, what's your gut saying?

This guy sounds like a lot of angst for little return sorry to say. The way you describe his interactions with you sounds Passive Agressive. The question is are *you *happy with this style of interaction. The fact that you're posting about it here tells me that you are not. Honestly for me, it would be a dealbreaker. That's just me. Passiveness in a relationship is very frustrating for the other party. I bet you desire a more even, give and take mutually satisfying relationship.

Personal question if you don't mind answering - how's the chemistry between the two of you? Have you two kissed/groped much and who initiates it. If you have had sex with him - who's idea was it and did either one of you take the lead?

Are you overall happy with the relationship? Do you have outside interests/hobbies or do you find yourself subconciously waiting in anticipation of the next text? (If he does actually text you.)


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds exactly how my relationship with husband started out. It is my guess the man is emotionally unavailable. If so, he will remain this way and you will be the one doing most the work in the relationship. He will like the sex just like any man does but the rest is up to you. It becomes a very one-sided relationship, affection from him is really not part of the picture. My advise is to move on.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hello all. Thanks so much for the replies.

Frudsil, my friend, I remember you too...you helped me so much with my awful experience from before. Thank you for that. I am so much better now an being honest I am happier than I ever was before now. Life sent me a hard experience but I am now very glad it happened. 

I moved back home, my son is in an amazing school, we are back with our family and friends now and I got my "life" back. We are both very happy!!!!

My son is almost 12 now, and to be honest..it would be a LONG way off before anyone I dated would meet him or be involved with him in any way. The great part about being "home" is that I can now go on dates with plenty of babysitters available and no need for him to be part of that until such a time as I meet a man who I think might be more permanent which obviously in this case I am a long way off. Two dates only!

To make it clear with this man, he is extremely affectionate, he instigates that. When he is with me he can't stop smiling at me, he has a hand always on me and kisses very passionately which he instigates. He doesn't try and have sex with me, which is a way off as we both want to take it slow. When we are together, and when we are talking I feel very much like he reciprocates and I feel like it is a very mutual situation.

The only issue is that he doesn't instigate and also doesn't arrange dates with urgency. There is definitely a situation where he pulls back. He has explained to me he has difficulty saying what he thinks and feel but he's asked me not to interpret anything.

Of course I am scared of being hurt / rejected - but I think sometimes you have to just be a bit brave and allow some time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sarajane231 said:


> Hello all. Thanks so much for the replies.
> 
> Frudsil, my friend, I remember you too...you helped me so much with my awful experience from before. Thank you for that. I am so much better now an being honest I am happier than I ever was before now. Life sent me a hard experience but I am now very glad it happened.
> 
> ...


Great to hear my friend  You're so wise, I don't think you can go wrong as long as you keep your head on straight and go slow...

Sometimes you do need to have a little faith xxx


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

sarajane231 said:


> Yes he sometimes does.
> 
> It seems to be on two occassions he texts me first.
> 
> ...


He sounds into you but wants to take it slow. Let him take the lead and enjoy the ride.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Stop trying to read meanings into everything. Either his behavior is or isn't meeting your needs and desires in a relationship.

Also, you are probably seeing the real him. He will revert to this behavior when either under stress or when things are not all exciting. So if you stay with him, you can expect the day-to-day to be like this.

I would certainly be cautious about jumping into anything too serious or long term with him. I'd want to see a prolonged period of him being more the way you want, which might indicate he has made some permanent changes.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks for all helping me to breathe a bit easier. The thing is I suppose that as Frudsil said I went through a pretty traumatic time with my ex myself (my fiance ran out on me and my son) and so of course I have my own insecurities I am battling and trying to overcome.

I had this image in my mind of some man coming along and making it all better, so being now with someone who sends mixed signals at times is quite hard for me too. I am trying to learn patience and to "date" without feeling like I need adoration or validation.

I suppose in the end if he doesn't want to date me, he won't. 

Yes, we have talked a bit about it but it's over text - which I hate. I am very direct....I just asked him and he replied on the lines of "I do like you, quite a bit actually but I think I have lost a little the ability to show how much sometimes".

I just need him to get off this stupid text thing and spend more time with me!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

The only thing I would be wary about re: his behaviour with you, is that he will likely always be like that.

So if (IF) things progress, and you're thinking long term, marriage, etc. then be aware that if it bothers you now, it'll REALLY bother you in 5 or 10 years. To have a partner who doesn't show any initiative or pursuit of you will get tired quick.

Just saying. You'd obviously prefer he was more like you in this regard, that he'd pursue you a little more, show some interest, etc. If this is something you can theoretically live with long term, then you're good to go. If this is something you'd be back on TAM in 5 years for ("My husband doesn't initiate anything with me! My husband doesn't pursue me!" "I have to do all the work!" etc.) then you'll need to take it into account.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

He has specifically said that's not the case, and if things progress he will change. I can only test that out and see if it's true.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

He knows he is doing this by the way! He admits it. It's not my imagination!


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

Take what I say with a grain of salt. It looks like to me you may be his "side girl". 

That's one possibility.

The other is he is not very forward and if you're OK with dating a person like that, it looks like you may have to take the lead.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

He did message me this morning asking me out. I do have an uneasy feeling of some sort, but thanks for all the comments. I'll read over them quite a few times to take in all the diferrent viewpoints. I know what's important is for me to learn to let go and accept the uncertainty without feeling like I need to know


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

Hi Sarajane, he sounds very much like my BF when we met four years ago. My BF had been cheated on in his last relationship too so he was similarly cautious about getting involved with someone again: we knew each other professionally/socially for 9 months before we started dating. It also took some time for him to adjust his life to make space for having another person around. He'd been single for several years and the time that might otherwise have been given over to a relationship was full of sports, voluntary work and other commitments. He still somehow manages to do all those things but now we have a balance that works for us.

I agree with the other posters encouraging you to try to relax, enjoy these early stages of dating and let things develop naturally. He sounds a good man who cares about you - and a really good man is worth the wait! Wishing you all the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

sarajane231 said:


> I know what's important is for me to learn to let go and accept the uncertainty without feeling like I need to know


Great to say that....even better to actually LIVE that! Want certainty? Look to death & taxes. Seems like the more uncertainty one can tolerate, the better one's outcomes will likely be in all kinds of ways.

Anyway, my hunch is that your and his personality insecurities might just be pretty compatible. Good luck.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hey all.

Well, he messaged asking for a date and we back and forthed with days a bit and he was being evasive. He had "plans" that day and "plans" this day and then he was off away on holiday. And I just said "well, I think I'm not going to wait that long" and he just said "ok, bye" basically.

So...he didn't like me! Very weird that he sent such mixed signals but I suppose at least I got an answer.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get to rejection quickly. If it isn't going to work out, it is better to know sooner rather than later. So while I am sorry this one did not work out for you, it is good that you got your answer.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> Hey all.
> 
> Well, he messaged asking for a date and we back and forthed with days a bit and he was being evasive. He had "plans" that day and "plans" this day and then he was off away on holiday. And I just said "well, I think I'm not going to wait that long" and he just said "ok, bye" basically.
> 
> So...he didn't like me! Very weird that he sent such mixed signals but I suppose at least I got an answer.


So he messaged *you *asking for a date but didn't specify when? 
I've found your posts interesting because I'm in a similar situation. I'm dating a guy who is very much an introvert and was seriously hurt by his wife cheating on him in their marriage. he is very gun shy. I've had to take most of the initiative after about the second date. Its frustrating at times because I'll ask him for a specific date/event and he'll have a prior commitment, which is fine, but then not ask for another date. So I've learned to wait a couple of days and then try again. 
Dating someone like this is not for the faint of heart - LOL! I initially took it as "he's just not that into me". But then I've realized that this is not really the case at all. He just needs extra time to process things. And personally, I'm very ok with taking things slowly.
Sounds like this guy really likes you but may be very nervous of getting too close too fast - that perhaps your text messages and words of endearment to each other were too much too son? You may hear from him in a day or two when he's had time to himself to think things through. But its totally up to you whether this is the type of relationship you want. He may blow hot and cold like that for some time - if not always.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes. It was totally bizarre.

Long messages from him on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday, saying how much he liked me, how beautiful he thought I was and he'd never get sick of telling me, how he had to tie up some work this week and we would "have that date soon" and just seeming very non creepy and earnest and lovely.

Then he send me a message yesterday morning, saying I was lovely and when was I set for that date, what were my plans etc. I I replied with what days I could do and got a basically no reply. I pressed him this morning and he said "we'll do it soon" but was making no moves to actually answer the question, and then he said he was going away on Friday and it became clear from the message he had no intention of seeing me before Friday and I said "Well it's been two weeks, we live around the corner and if you don't want to make it happen this week before you go I am not sure I am up for waiting over a month for another date" and he replied "Ok then x"

That was it.

Sarah MCD I am pretty convinced he is either seeing someone else, or he is just completely emotionally unavailable.

I do feel very hurt though. It was like he could not have cared less.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

I have a very low tolerance for people who do this sort of thing. As you said before Sarajane, he know's what he is doing. If he really wanted to see you he would have found the time. I don't like this game he's playing with you. He's been hurt before. So what, who hasn't? You deserve to be treated with respect. I hate to say it but - he's jerking you around.

I'm know it hurts ((hugs)) but it's for the best. Why would you want to even have a relationship with someone who does this to you? Be prepared just in case you get a text out of the blue sometime in the future asking when can you have a date. I don't think I need to tell you this - but shoot it down otherwise you'll be back on here like some posters.

Delete his number from your phone and his email address and move on - he's not relationship material at this time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I was on the 1st page ready to respond feeling he sounded authentic .. and just taking things rather slow.. I was all for her taking a little more of the Lead because he sounded he just didn't trust well.. beings he was cheated on.. it happens.. how she should have a conversation with him saying she doesn't want to bark up his tree if he doesn't want this.. as this is very hurtful and some of us women would never want to go there.. 

Then I got to some of these ending posts on this page... how unfortunate.. I'm sorry.. his authenticity has floundered...badly... he has shown he speaks out of 2 sides of his mouth .. very wish washy..... I would also feel he has someone else.. 



> *sarajane231 said* : *And I just said "well, I think I'm not going to wait that long" and he just said "ok, bye"* *basically*.


 Yeah.. this here.. this speaks volumes.. if he wanted to hold on, he would have had some enthusiasm to explain himself.. HE LET it DIE right here..


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

You know, thank for those messages.

It;s funny, because my fiance walking out on me 18 months ago with me having absolutely NO idea there was a problem between us made me lose faith in my own judgement. Before that I never needed to post on internet forums to ask questions about my life. I guess I lost trust in myself.

I knew he was jerking me around when I posted this thread. I didn't need anyone else to tell me that, but I forgot how to trust myself.

I DO think he likes me, to be honest I don't think anyone could have gone through THIS much contact, day after day...not after sex, not after flirting. I mean long and deep conversations about who we are and what we want. 

I also don't think anyone can fake attraction, and when I am physically with him, he is clearly very attracted to me and he wants to stay near me, touch me as much as he can and doesn't want to go home.

I think though that he has some issues that run deeper than being hurt. I think he is perhaps a little narcissistic. He lacks empathy for me and how I feel and he is very selfish. He lacks maturity. He reacts like a raging bull and does impulsive things he regrets later. He is emotionally unavailable and is playing women off as if to punish them all for what one did to him. I have no doubt if I am honest that he is either dating someone else or at least flirting.

I think he lies to me. Have sensed that quite a few times. I think he hates it when I pull away from him and he feels he is going to lose me. I think he's DEFINITELY going to contact me. If I had to guess I'd say in about three weeks, and I can tell you what the message will say. It'll say something like "So...we had a blip there, let's go for a drink and spend some time together and work it out" and he won't admit fault but he will act like he's doing me a favour and he will be shocked as heck when I say "no". 

He DOES speak out of two sides of his mouth, and he is disingenuous. But speaking as a person who has always had good insight...what kept me there, was that I did sense good underneath. I did sense he was motivated from hurt and fear and self protection but I guess it's not down to me to save him from being an idiot.

And I actually know all this...so I suppose the real question I had when I posted this thread was "why would anyone act like that?" and I suppose no one can answer it. Just like no one could answer why my fiance abandoned me for no reason I could ever understand.

Today I could so easily have said "ok, lets see each other tonight then" and he would have. He DID need me to take the lead. But at the end of the day I think I got to the point where I was sick of working around him and just wanted him to get his stuff together and date me like a normal person. I just snapped really...he got a blasting and it actually felt quite good.

I'm just sad about it really.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *sarajane231 said* : *so I suppose the real question I had when I posted this thread was "why would anyone act like that?"* and I suppose no one can answer it.


My answer would be in this article.. NOT Owning one's emotional Baggage is a big part of it.. 

*>>* Owning Our Emotional Baggage in Relationships

Everyone has some Baggage.. but as this article says... "the key to handling emotional baggage is to be aware of it, know it, own it, and handle it." ...Open honest communication is necessary in any and all relationships (especially romantic relationships)...when you learn this isn't being given, like a man being too Evasive.. they are red flags...sad that for many....when things get a little shaky... some resort to brush offs , games, white lying.. they hide... for whatever reason.. .these are very difficult to wade through for anyone on the receiving end.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think you absolutely did the right thing Sara. You are worth more than the way you were being treated - and the best part is, you know it!!! Go you!!!!

Don't let anyone walk over you honey, never.

Don't waste your precious energy in wondering why, it doesn't matter why. All that matters is that he's not the one for you.

Next!


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Maybe this guy is in fact wrong for you, but I'd be really concerned if you didn't understand *how normal ambivalence is* in the process of dating.



Kristisha said:


> Give it a bit of time but in the same time be open to date some other guys and see how he would react. Maybe this awake the hunter in him....just saying


The reason to date other guys in not necessarily to awaken anyone. The reason to date other guys is to sooner find someone to live your life with, and avoid sinking into a mentality of scarcity.

Of all the mistakes I made when I was single, one of the worst, and also one that should have been easily correctable, was mentally taking myself off the dating market for weeks, and even several months at time, hoping a relationship would develop with some seemingly attractive woman.

If you get at least a few OK responses from a dating site, remember that each and every individual is going to bring a mix of great -- and not so great -- characteristics. It's not as though one of them is somehow predictably right, while the others are necessarily wrong. A relationship is something you build, not something you find. My advice: Don't start thinking monogamously until you're sure it's mutual.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> ....when things get a little shaky... some resort to brush offs , games, white lying.. they hide... for whatever reason.. .these are very difficult to wade through for anyone on the receiving end.


Yup. I did not understand that my wife saying nothing is one of her ways of lying. Now I can spot it instantly _sometimes_. If we're having a conversation and it gets to a point where it is obviously her turn to contribute but she just looks at me with her mouth held closed, she's withholding something she doesn't want me to know.

But other times she simply fails to inform me about something I have no way of knowing even exists.

So even after 35 years of knowing her, deceptions can happen. For someone new in a relationship who is fully trusting and is in the fog of love, it is all too easy to be deceived.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

bestyet2be said:


> Maybe this guy is in fact wrong for you, but I'd be really concerned if you didn't understand *how normal ambivalence is* in the process of dating.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Agree with this, especially after just two dates, even if he/she are SAYING things you like to hear. Are their actions congruent with what they are saying? When they cant see you do you feel like it's genuine or that they are just brushing you off for when they feel like they need attention? 

I met a girl on match, been about 2 months now. Turned out we had met briefly and I had met and chatted w/ her sister (kids at same school). When I first asked her out-- cause I don't like to email for weeks, want to meet and then move on if not a match--she said she wasn't ready yet, wanted to correspond more. Then a week later she wanted to meet. It went very well, and I asked her out for a few days later. She couldn't, at the time pretty sure she had gone out with one or more other guys she met there, but she made it a point to say 'but I want to soon' or 'unfortunately I cant that night' and then followed it up with another specific time, which let me know she DID want to see me. 

In any case, MEET multiple people (not the same as 'dating' multiple people) and share yourself without investing too much. If you were hanging out with another guy while this was going on-- like it sounds like he surely is-- you would not spend as much time wondering what he is thinking, and HE would be making dates with you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds like he is a straight male. That being the case, you may assume he "likes" you with about the same confidence that one may assume tigers like steak. Whether he might one day be committed to you or whether that would be in your best interest (and in the best interest of your child) and whether you would be a good match for him are more relevant questions and it's way too soon to answer any of those. I wouldn't waste a lot of brain cells wondering if he's interested. He's a guy. You're a woman.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I just wanted a bit more advice on all this. As I said, I told him to shove it up his *** and we went a week without contact. Then out of the blue, he turned up on my doorstep.

It was obvious it was difficult for him to be there, he seemed very defensive rather than shy but he wanted to talk to me, so I let him.

He said first of all that he had been an a** and he knew it, and that I was absolutely right to end contact. He said that he had started off liking me like crazy but that it had been a fantasy in his head and as things got closer he'd started to doubt it was what he wanted. Not because it was me, but because he had doubted he wanted a relationship with anyone at all.

He said he was very far from a player, and what was a more fitting description of him was someone who had "issues with commitment". He had said he liked me a lot, but that when we'd dated face to face it felt "very intense" and had "freaked him out" and he'd thought, "no, I don't want to do this".

At first he gave reasons for that like "I like my life the way it is and didn't want to give my time away" and then as the hours went by he opened up a bit more and said things like "you'd eventually get bored and cheat on me" and at one point I noticed a tear dripped down his face which I do feel was genuine.

He'd said putting me off was his own cowardly way of not seeing me without actually saying he didn't want to see me, and he said he knew that was selfish and childish.

Well, refreshingly honest! 

Anyway, he says he has spent a week thinking about it, and he really does want to date me properly, to begin a relationship with me, and he is willing to overcome those commitment issues and jump in 100% to be with me because he feels like he's been a fool and being with me makes him happier than anything else.

I asked him what would be diferrent if I give him another shot, and he said he would communicate better with me, he'd be more honest and he would promise me a lot of face to face time. He said if it progressed to a committed relationship he would promise to be the guy I deserved.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with this? 

I feel like there is definitely a bond and connection between us, which like he says, I agree is "intense" and I do miss him and love spending time with him / talking to him but it's also obvious he has some issues here.

Would you give him this chance, and what would the expectations be in terms of what I should be requiring from him here?


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

PS: What I will say was that this conversation felt to me like the first time he completely opened up to me. It went on from 8pm to 4am and at the end of it, he gave me his schedule, his plans for weekends for the next few months and practical information of the sort you'd expect from a boyfriend which he's never given before.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

[blunt]This man has been telling you in actions, in many ways, that he's not ready for a relationship. Never mind what he says.

He doesn't know what he wants, has massive baggage to work through on his own, and even says he enjoys his life the way it is. He is passive, can't even say to your face he isn't ready for a relationship because he'd rather fade away and leave no closure. Red flags abound... I don't even know where to begin. 

Expect to see that passivity lots if you enter into a relationship with him. I predict stonewalling and frustration in your future. 

I'm sure he's a great person, but he's nowhere near ready for anything but casual dating. He hasn't fixed his broken yet. Don't be with a work in progress unless that's what you want.[/blunt]


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