# Hypothetical question



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You are in R with your CS, after his/her long term (attempted) exit EA/PA. Out of the blue one day, you ask the CS the following:

_If you were "granted" the opportunity to talk to your AP, and the AP told you that he regretted not leaving his/her spouse, wanted you back, and asked you to run away with him/her. 

“What would you tell him/her”?_

Besides the obvious “no”; how might a truly remorseful spouse respond to that question?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Prob with a look of disgust and saying "are you on drugs?"


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Ironically, whatever their response was, I would NOT believe it. Because cheaters are the best damn liars! They lie and also make you think that whatever they are saying is the truth. Do they know what the truth is? There is a good reason the word beLIEve is such a powerful word.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I would never ask that question. I'm not even sure how someone could answer that truthfully and be believed, but I suspect that their body language would reveal a ton about how they really feel...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I would never ask that question. I'm not even sure how someone could answer that truthfully and be believed, but I suspect that their body language would reveal a ton about how they really feel...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this. Asking that question and looking for some sort of additional clues that an answer of no really means no sounds like the question itself is a set- up to find fault with whatever answer is given. 
Sounds like the trust has not yet been rebuilt from the original damage.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Cheaters are liars AND manipulators. Cheating is like getting your phd in deceit. Meet my stbxww, Dr. Bullsh*t.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Paging Dr. Bullsh*t, you have a call at the front desk...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Weren't the key words 'truly remorseful'?
Geesh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"I wish I'd never even met them!" would be the best response, I think.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> "I wish I'd never even met them!" would be the best response, I think.


Unfortunately not. My WW has said that before, but it is just a placatory comment. Along with all the other remarks filed under gaslighting or conflict avoidance.

Sigh...Waywards.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Weren't the key words 'truly remorseful'?
> Geesh!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes Daisygirl, you get it.

It's a hypothetical. *Truly remorseful*. Even if the odds are they aren't.

I happen to think this question at least has the potential to gauge if they aren't, if they present a bad answer. I wasn't very happy with the answer my spouse gave me right after Dday, while still in the fog. 

I'd like to see how she answers a year and a half later.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

What answer would make you feel better? Truly? No matter what, I'd have an element of doubt in his answer bc I dont believe they have the same feelings of discust for AP as we do and they likely never will. IOW- there will always be some 'soft spot' if the truth were known. thats not to say they'd ever go back but they also wouldnt hurt them either... jmo.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a truly remorseful spouse would NOT take the opportunity to talk with their former OM/OW


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> What answer would make you feel better? Truly? No matter what, I'd have an element of doubt in his answer bc I dont believe they have the same feelings of discust for AP as we do and they likely never will. IOW- there will always be some 'soft spot' if the truth were known. thats not to say they'd ever go back but they also wouldnt hurt them either... jmo.


Even if there's a doubt she was being sincere, I'd like to hear an answer that indicates she truly regrets what she did; that she understands it was a false fantasy; and that she'd tell him as much. But more than anything, I want a better answer. 

I understand the philosophical paradox. Please, bear with me.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Even if there's a doubt she was being sincere, I'd like to hear an answer that indicates she truly regrets what she did; that she understands it was a false fantasy; and that she'd tell him as much. But more than anything, I want a better answer.
> 
> I understand the philosophical paradox. Please, bear with me.


Oh I understand- FULLY. I have not and will not ask this question. Not because I believe for a minute that he would have anything to do with talking to her, I dont believe he would. BUT would it sit in his head like a brain eating cancer???........yeah, not worth it. I think he would say " No. I wouldnt talk to her. She is nothing to me and we have nothing to discuss" I think that is exactly what he'd say. And iin my heart, I'd believe him but intellectually I would question the answer bc I am not yet to the place where I trust my heart again(afterall, its what allowed my denial for so long. My head knew). So its a no win situation for me but I totally understand that you are looking for confirmation that your ww 'gets it'.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> What answer would make you feel better? Truly? No matter what, I'd have an element of doubt in his answer bc I dont believe they have the same feelings of discust for AP as we do and they likely never will. IOW- there will always be some 'soft spot' if the truth were known. thats not to say they'd ever go back but they also wouldnt hurt them either... jmo.


I totally agree! I know that H does not have the same disgust for his AP that I do....because she made him feel good. She threw out the flattery like it was going out of style. I remember on DD#2 when I sent his OW an email telling her to **** off...he was all well you did not have to do that. Then he had the nerve to tell me that I was vindictive.
I just about hit him with a 2 x 4 for that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Oh I understand- FULLY. I have not and will not ask this question. Not because I believe for a minute that he would have anything to do with talking to her, I dont believe he would. BUT would it sit in his head like a brain eating cancer???........yeah, not worth it. I think he would say " No. I wouldnt talk to her. She is nothing to me and we have nothing to discuss" I think that is exactly what he'd say. And iin my heart, I'd believe him but intellectually I would question the answer bc I am not yet to the place where I trust my heart again(afterall, its what allowed my denial for so long. My head knew). So its a no win situation for me but I totally understand that you are looking for confirmation that your ww 'gets it'.


Yeah, I'd like to see that she gets it, at least in terms of knowing "what" to say. When I asked her this over a year ago she said that she would tell him "sorry but you had your chance".

I guess I should have left her on the spot; but of course she was in still in the fog at that point. Despite all her her dutiful heavy lifting before and since, I can't forget she said that.

I'll be asking her that again soon, not because I'll believe her answer; but because I want too see if she now understands what I need to hear.

If that makes me nuts, so be it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

"but of course she was in still in the fog"


..........


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> "but of course she was in still in the fog"
> 
> 
> ..........


Hah, I knew I'd hear from you Warlock. As you can see my rationalization hamster is hard at work.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Since we’re playing in the hypothetical... If I was in R with a truly remorseful WW; It wouldn’t occur to me to even consider asking the question. You simply do not ask questions you already know the answer to. Questions are asked if you don’t know the answer.

So basically, with a truly remorseful wayward, you would feel you are ‘the one’ and they are doing everything in their power to get you to see this. If you still have that question, either you are beating up on yourself still and still dealing with insecurity. The better questions would be ones you ask yourself so you can tell your remorseful wayward where you struggle (and they can figure out how to best help you).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Racer said:


> Since we’re playing in the hypothetical... If I was in R with a truly remorseful WW; It wouldn’t occur to me to even consider asking the question. You simply do not ask questions you already know the answer to. Questions are asked if you don’t know the answer.
> 
> So basically, with a truly remorseful wayward, you would feel you are ‘the one’ and they are doing everything in their power to get you to see this. If you still have that question, either you are beating up on yourself still and still dealing with insecurity. The better questions would be ones you ask yourself so you can tell your remorseful wayward where you struggle (and they can figure out how to best help you).


Good point Racer. No doubt I'm still dealing with insecurity. But sometimes hearing the right words helps. Or at least not the wrong words.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I suppose a truly remorseful spouse would look at you dumbfounded as if you had just slapped them about the head!
:scratchhead:


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Dumbfounded or in total horror and disgust!  Unfortunately, when my GF once asked me not too long after NC, "Do you want to talk to OW???", we were texting and she could not see the "WTF, the very idea disgusts me" look on my face. I don't blame her for jumping to that, but...ugh. I felt like I'd just had raw sewage dumped on me.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

"If you were "granted" the opportunity to talk to your AP, and the AP told you that he regretted not leaving his/her spouse, wanted you back, and asked you to run away with him/her. 

“What would you tell him/her”?"

If I was "granted" the opportunity, I wouldn't take it. I don't have to, nobody can force me and I don't want to either. Why would I be interested in what the Slimebag has to say?


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