# Confused



## jeanetteL (Oct 25, 2010)

I'm not quite sure where to start with all of this, but i'm at the point where i feel like giving up....i have reached the end of the rope and feels like i'm grasping onto a few threads that are left...i really need some advice..but don't want to involve friends or family since it would probably be a case of families siding with families....

I am a uk citizen who has lived in South Africa most of my life. I was married for 10 years and have two children from my first marriage. I met and married a South African man, who too had been married before and has two children from his previous marriage. We have no biological childrfen together. 
We have been married for 5 years in December, and like most families have our share of problems. Tragedy struck us about a year ago, and we lost everything to a house fire, but had no insurance, so walked out with the clothes we were wearing. 
Since my husbands family lived in the same village, they provided us with clothes, food and a roof over our heads, to which i will be eternally grateful. During the time we stayed with hubbys family, my hubby did quiet a lot of work for his sister who really does financially well. At first after a job completion, my husband was paid immediately, but after a few jobs, he had to remind her about her paying him. Initially he would be patient and wait, but eventually she made all kinds of excuses not to pay him. I also find out that she wasn't saying very nice things behind his back, which upset me tremendously as i felt she was using him like a slave. Because at the time, we needed the additional income, he put up with her. Quiet often she wouldn't even see the job after it was completed, but would still have the nerve to complain to his other brother and sister about him. To cut a long story short, things between himself and his sister heated up and things just blew out of proportion, so we moved out to a farm. Here we lost what we managed to obtain after the fire due to robbery. I think this was the final straw for my husband, so he suggested we move to the UK.

We sold what few things we had left and took the kids out of school , and moved here. We have been here just over a year and i don't know if my husband is starting to miss his family or whether he's just fed up with me, but things just seem to be getting worse and worse. I have worked from about a week after we arrived here, but my husband battled in finding work and was able to find work about three weeks ago. During the time that he wasn't working i paid all the household bills and bought food. He has been recieving a salary for three weeks now but isn't prepared to help towards any household costs. We had a massive row yesterday as i had come home from a 9 hour shift, to an untidy house and nothing made to eat. In addition to this i am as sick as a dog, but had to go and work regardeless of being ill.So when i got home, the last thing i felt like doing was cooking food and doing dishes, three of our kids are teenagers two nearly 17 and one nearly 18, so there was no excuse for an untidy house. Anyway, he asked why i had a long face and i told him how i felt about the mess and was really pissed off. I think cos i was feeling ill i over-reacted. Anyway, since this he has insulted me, throw his wedding ring at me, called me all the names under the sun and insulted my family. He has now told me that he is moving back to South Africa and taking his kids with him. I was able to speak to his youngest son this morning, as they are afraid to talk to me when he is around, and he told me he doesn't really want to go back since he has made new friends and has settled in here. I have since found out that he has called a relative and told them its over and that they are going back to SA. I'm not sure what to do, he constantly tells me what crap my family are, but they have helped him out financially on a number of occasions, and have never thrown it back at him, in fact have never even asked for the money back. Both his sisters, who are rolling money, say they miss him so much, but neither of them were at the airport when we left to the UK and neither of them ever call him. They have leant money to him, but were phoning the next day to ask when he will be paying it back - Needless to say my parents paid it back to them. I really don't know what to do or think, and despite the insults and constant digging and pointing out my mistakes, i still feel the need to be with him. Is this normal???


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

First off - so terribly sorry for your string of bad luck you two have faced. 
YES it's normal - you love him and probably can see past his hasty remarks because you feel sympathy for the situation while he feels horrible guilt and probably is suffering a damaged sensitive ego. It's even harder for a man to lose so much stability & security because men feel such great pressure to provide for the family. 
Do you think if you two didn't have hardships that perhaps you would both still be happily in love? did financial woes and family drama rip you two apart? 
Again - I reallly felt sad for your family when I read it. What matters most is that you had each other - maybe your husband has forgotten that and you've both lost patience for the situation....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeanetteL (Oct 25, 2010)

When i attempt to call him, he ends up insulting me and calling me all sorts of names and tells me to get it into my thick skull - I'm leaving!!


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