# Trust issues



## whereismymind (Mar 21, 2012)

My H had a 10 month affair with a coworker five years ago. We have been together since dday but I asked him to leave last night. I slept by myself for the first time in 14 years. Anyway my husband has done everything I asked of him and has been very good about all the baggage he heaped on me. I still have issues though and cannot get past them but I haven't really seen anyone with the same but I need someone to talk with. I don't really have trust issue like everyone else. When he leaves I never wonder what hes doing, I haven't felt the urge to check his phone, or his fb. My trust issues stem from the way he treated me. He was sooo cold and mean. He said very cruel thing to me and I haven't been able to get past his words. When he tells me he love me I wonder if he really does. When he tells me I am sexy I think well you told I wasn't when you were with her. I guess I wonder if having the affair is the same as drinking to much. People always say when your drunk you say what you truly mean. During his A was that his liquid courage? Was he able to say what he truly thought and felt because he had her on the sidelines? Or is he just a really super cruel sob?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Anything is possible. However, a short-term affair releases chemicals in the brain (most specifically dopamine) that come from new relationships. In effect, grown men can feel the same way that love struck teenagers feel.

When you were fifteen, and pledging your undying love to whatever boy got to second base, did you really mean it? At the time, you probably did. Does that mean, with the benefit of experience, and not being high on natural narcotics, you don't think back and cringe on the way you acted? Probably not.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

whereismymind said:


> People always say when your drunk you say what you truly mean. During his A was that his liquid courage? Was he able to say what he truly thought and felt because he had her on the sidelines? Or is he just a really super cruel sob?


No, don't do that to yourself. 

He was saying things based what he felt at the time. What he felt at the time was comprimised by "fog". Everything was driven by a compulsion to seek out what was making him "high". The best and most accurate way I can decribe it to you is that your husband was on "drugs". (there's a link in my sig which explains a little about it)

There was very little "truth" to what he was saying to you while in the throws of an affair. Temporary insanity, while not a defense in this sitatuon... Is in many ways accurate.


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## whereismymind (Mar 21, 2012)

I tell myself he was just trying to push me further away so I would leave him and he would have to be the "bad guy" by breaking up with me. I understand saying this you dont mean but he said some seriously [email protected]#$ed up stuff.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Maybe he was pushing you away. But you shouldn't underestimate the power of the fog. People will say and do crazy things in the fog of an affair.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What do you want? 

Do you want to stay with him or not?


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## whereismymind (Mar 21, 2012)

I am one foot out the door. I feel crazy. I know people see our relationship as something great. I am comfortable with him because I know him so well. I knew he was having an A but took me a while to have proof. I guess part of what still hurts is his behavior towards me and the way he waivered in breaking it off with her. He says he didn't love her but she loved him. He calls her homewrecker but that makes me mad because he wrecked our home too.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I dont get it.

You were waiting for proof?

Didnt you feel that he was mean before you found out his A?

I get the feeling that you are ok with his affair NOT his abusive nature. 

True?


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