# Feeling Like Damaged Goods



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

If you've seen my posts you know I'm dealing with HPV and Genital Warts as a result of H and 2 OW. My diagnosis was the end of February and my H is avoiding me (physically) like I have the plague.

We've had sex twice since my diagnosis (after the warts cleared) but both times he'd been drinking with his buddies. We haven't had "sober sex" at all.

I don't know what to make of this. Any thoughts?


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## missinglife (May 1, 2012)

jinba said:


> If you've seen my posts you know I'm dealing with HPV and Genital Warts as a result of H and 2 OW. My diagnosis was the end of February and my H is avoiding me (physically) like I have the plague.
> 
> We've had sex twice since my diagnosis (after the warts cleared) but both times he'd been drinking with his buddies. We haven't had "sober sex" at all.
> 
> I don't know what to make of this. Any thoughts?


Wait...he gave YOU HPV and warts and he's avoiding you physically? 

I know I am the WS here, but WTF??? That's not a good sign. I don't think it has anything to do with your diagnosis, quite honestly. He's avoiding YOU and that's not right.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Yup - that's exactly right - he's avoiding physical contact with me. In every other way he seems fine - we talk, do yard work together, visit with friends, prepare meals together - we just don't have sex.

I get the habitual kiss goodbye in the morning and a hug and a kiss when he comes home from work ... but that's it for physical contact.

Of course my mind is wandering all over the place - is he having sex with someone else again? Is he affraid he's going to give me something else? Is he affraid he'll get the warts? Is he thinking I don't want him?

I'm at a loss - and feeling pretty disenchanted at the moment. He just called to invite me to go to a business seminar with him tomorrow - 3 1/2 hours on the road - might be a good time to talk about this if I can clear my work calendar.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I thought you'd be the one avoiding him, not the other way around.....


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba--

What have you been doing to verify that your husband's past affair(s) are over?

and what did your husband do in terms of going to the dr. for HPV when your latest appt. turned this up? He was treated for it in the past, I gather, but how about now?


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## missinglife (May 1, 2012)

jinba said:


> Yup - that's exactly right - he's avoiding physical contact with me. In every other way he seems fine - we talk, do yard work together, visit with friends, prepare meals together - we just don't have sex.
> 
> I get the habitual kiss goodbye in the morning and a hug and a kiss when he comes home from work ... but that's it for physical contact.
> 
> ...


I don't have a clue if it means he's still having an affair or having another, but it's a problem and it needs to be addressed. And if he's not willing to address it, then there is something going on. Perhaps not an affair or even the thought of one, but just the fact that he's distancing himself from you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What if he is sleeping with more women? He's already cheated on you with several and you've tolerated it.

So now what?


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> jinba--
> 
> What have you been doing to verify that your husband's past affair(s) are over?
> 
> and what did your husband do in terms of going to the dr. for HPV when your latest appt. turned this up? He was treated for it in the past, I gather, but how about now?


I'm sure OW #1 is out of the picture - she was totally PO'd when he ended it. Plus, he's home now - not stopping at the bar for a beer or working late - and he's changed jobs and can no longer leave the office for "secret rendezvous". When I call him, he no longer ignores me - and I often use his office # just to make sure he's where he's supposed to be.

I know nothing about OW #2 - except that he said her first name was Kathy. Claims he doesn't know her last name. So the jury is still out on that one.

As for going to the Dr. - to my knowledge, he hasn't. He's never been treated for HPV - from what I understand, if you have no symptoms there's nothing to treat. I've also read that there's no test for men - and they can only be diagnosed if they have symptoms like the genital warts.

I do want him to undergo a complete STD screening though - I don't need any more surprises.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Okay - too weird. H just called to tell me he loves me - said he thought he forgot to tell me before he left for work today. 

Good thing? Bad thing? Or is he following my posts here?


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## missinglife (May 1, 2012)

jinba said:


> Okay - too weird. H just called to tell me he loves me - said he thought he forgot to tell me before he left for work today.
> 
> Good thing? Bad thing? Or is he following my posts here?


Totally unknowable, but you need to bring all of this up to him. You'll know if he's being cagey.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba said:


> I do want him to undergo a complete STD screening though - I don't need any more surprises.


Has he set the appointment yet?


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

You're right Missinglife - but wow, are the wheels ever turning now! I sent an exposure letter to OW's H on Monday - basically saying she should be tested for HPV if she hasn't been. As much as I hate her for what she's done to me, I couldn't live with myself if she ended up with cervical cancer and I withheld information that may have prevented it. Dumb in some peoples eyes, I know - I don't owe her anything - but that's just the way I am built I guess.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for exposing.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

No appointment yet that I'm aware of - but he might not tell me if he did go - too afraid of the results, I'm sure.

He also has an issue with Doctors and Dentists - I don't understand why, but he never goes to either unless he absolutely has to.

Thinking this is one of those "has to" times.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba said:


> No appointment yet that I'm aware of - but he might not tell me if he did go - too afraid of the results, I'm sure.
> 
> He also has an issue with Doctors and Dentists - I don't understand why, but he never goes to either unless he absolutely has to.
> 
> Thinking this is one of those "has to" times.


Did you have a full STD panel after this recent HPV bout? I can't recall.


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## missinglife (May 1, 2012)

jinba said:


> You're right Missinglife - but wow, are the wheels ever turning now! I sent an exposure letter to OW's H on Monday - basically saying she should be tested for HPV if she hasn't been. As much as I hate her for what she's done to me, I couldn't live with myself if she ended up with cervical cancer and I withheld information that may have prevented it. Dumb in some peoples eyes, I know - I don't owe her anything - but that's just the way I am built I guess.


Okay, not to stir up any hard feelings, but shouldn't your anger be directed at your husband? Unless she actually did do something to you that I don't know about (other than sleep with your man...but he's the guilty party here if he did it willingly).

Sorry, I am just still trying to understand all of this for myself. I want my husband to be angry with ME only. The OM really has little to do with it, I am the one who put myself and our relationship in that position. Does that make sense?

And if this stings, I am sorry. I don't mean to, and I don't know your whole story and what really happened. I just think your true anger has to be at your spouse.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes - tissue samples, blood work - the whole nine yards because I had an abnormal pap.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba said:


> Yes - tissue samples, blood work - the whole nine yards because I had an abnormal pap.


Good!

Then I would tell him in a face-to-face conversation, I've made an appt with dr. so-and-so for a full STD panel check for you and I'm coming too. I am going to have to have cancer checks for the rest of my life for HPV that you gave me, it is the very least that you can do.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

missinglife said:


> Okay, not to stir up any hard feelings, but shouldn't your anger be directed at your husband? Unless she actually did do something to you that I don't know about (other than sleep with your man...but he's the guilty party here if he did it willingly).
> 
> Sorry, I am just still trying to understand all of this for myself. I want my husband to be angry with ME only. The OM really has little to do with it, I am the one who put myself and our relationship in that position. Does that make sense?
> 
> And if this stings, I am sorry. I don't mean to, and I don't know your whole story and what really happened. I just think your true anger has to be at your spouse.


I understand what you're saying - and yes I was (and maybe still am) angry with my H - but he is remorseful and has apologized (in tears) more times than I can count.

The OW however thinks she did "nothing wrong" - she actually said this to a friend of mine. To bring you up to speed, she was my best friend at the time the A started. I loved her (and treated her) like a sister. I defended her to other people who commented on her "snooty" behavior and her "flirtations" with other men. I was close enough to her to recommend she get IC to help with her issues - she was mentally messed up.

So - instead of taking my advice, she tried to take my husband. She deliberately played on his sympathy - and she used anything I said against me when she talked to him. She created problems in our marriage before the A even started - my H actually told me to quit talking to her at one point.

She suckered him in - yes, he went there willingly - but she played a huge role in this whole mess. It wasn't like he sought her out - she threw it in his face - and he was dumb enough to take the bait.


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## missinglife (May 1, 2012)

jinba said:


> I understand what you're saying - and yes I was (and maybe still am) angry with my H - but he is remorseful and has apologized (in tears) more times than I can count.
> 
> The OW however thinks she did "nothing wrong" - she actually said this to a friend of mine. To bring you up to speed, she was my best friend at the time the A started. I loved her (and treated her) like a sister. I defended her to other people who commented on her "snooty" behavior and her "flirtations" with other men. I was close enough to her to recommend she get IC to help with her issues - she was mentally messed up.
> 
> ...


Got it. Makes sense to me now!!!


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