# Way too confused!



## unsettled (Sep 17, 2009)

Ok. I married at 16 and I'm now 33. He was my first and only boyfriend. We have children and our relationship was always rocky. Early on there was abuse on his part, then addiction. We have nothing in common and he doesn't treat me respectfully to this day. Things are better than the past though.
Since my 30's I've changed a lot personally. I'm mourning those years as a teen where I never went out, dated or had friends because I married too early to the wrong guy. He's very jealous and suspicious and I've never been allowed friends or a personal life.
Now I'm confused because I don't think I ever really loved him, but I care a lot about him. He loves me a lot and is happy with me. I take excellent care of myself, while he let himself go completely and doesn't care because he's married. I am very sexual and it annoys him and he thinks I'm a freak.
A big part of me wants to leave with the kids, get an apartment, new job and just be independent and embrace life and be happy. Later I could date guys that are compatible with me.
But, we have a lifetime together, kids, a house, security and comfort and it's so scary to think about leaving but so depressing knowing I'll stay forever. I don't even remember who I am, it's been so long.
I'm still young enough to start over but I just don't know what to do.
I feel the #1 reason I'm staying is because it will devastate him and I don't want him hurt. I almost wish he'd leave ME or do something wrong to condone my leaving...which seems horrible.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

It's hard when you are in a relationship where you have no more feelings or love. But it's ever harder when you feel like a bad person because you want someone to do something so that you have a reason to leave. I know, I am also that bad person. How many children do you have? Also, remember no matter what age, you can always start over. You just have to make sure it is definitely something you want. Sorry if my advise isn't that good.


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## unsettled (Sep 17, 2009)

Thanks alwaysalone, you have no idea how good it feels just to have someone understand me! I feel like such a bad guy right now. I have 5 kids which only complicates things. He's not a great dad, but he loves them and I think about not having a 'family home' for grandkids and holidays. I just overthink this way too much and it's driving me nuts! In my heart I want to leave, but logically I feel I should sacrifice my feelings and stay.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

Boy, do I know how you feel. I don't have 5 children but I have 1 from a previous relationship that don't live with us because of him and 1 that is his, she is 3. I fell out of love for him, I believe quite awhile ago. I can't really pinpoint when. I have the beginning of the story posted here and I am going to do an update. It's been awhile since I have been on here...since '07 actually, because I was trying to work everything. Guess that backfired.


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