# Nearly been a year since...



## hard2saybye (Apr 28, 2010)

It has been nearly a year since the last time the misses and I had sex. I am at my wits end and always trying find the answer. I look on here and the typical guy is complaining he gets it only once a week or once a month and I just cannot relate.

Its not just the lack of sex, but the total lack of intimacy on her part. There is no cuddling, hand holding, passionate kisses, etc. Trust me I have tried everything, just to be shot down all of the time. It's very depressing to have the love of your life reject you time and time again without giving you a valid reason. Says she is never in the mood and doesn't need sex. 

On the contrary, I found her little vibrating friend and can tell how often it is used and checking the history on the computer found porn sites that I know I wasn't going to. 

We are both around 30 and have been married for 6 years and have two children. Both of us work full time jobs. The typical household roles are reversed though. I take care of the kids, cook dinner, dishes, baths, etc. She sets out their clothes for the next day and then plops down to read a book or play on her blackerry.

The only things I can think of are: 1. She is having an affair 2. Something is wrong physically with her (doc wants her to test thyroid, btu she will not go do it) 3. She possibly has BPD and is using the withholding of intimacy as abuse and control tactic ( a lot more to this, but not getting into)


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Man, I feel for you bro. 

I mean have you sat down and actually talked to her about it? Have you confronted her and told her you know she's masturbating which is fine but she's also telling you she doesn't need sex. Have you told her that you do need sex and aren't happy with a sexless marriage?? I think you should be telling her you want to see a therapists possibly to discuss the issues. 

I would be concerned about an affair, at least concerned enough to do some poking around. Check her blackberry, text messages, facebook, email, etc for evidence of anything. 

I would keep insisting that she get herself checked out at the doc as well. But if she's using a vibrator then she is getting off so it's not a matter of her not wanting or not being able to orgasm. 

I couldn't of controlled myself for that long. Frankly I would have insisted much earlier on seeing a therapist or talking to a pastor. 

One other thought... would there be a reason she would not be physically attracted to you? are you in decent shape and do you take care of yourself? You might also consider being a little less available to her. Start doing a few things just for you. You might start a workout routine 2-3 times a week. Join a gym, kickboxing class or something that you'll enjoy. Let her know you're starting that on x days, in a couple of week and she'll need to be home to take care of things while you do that those evenings. 

good luck!


----------



## hard2saybye (Apr 28, 2010)

Thanks for the reply.
I have tried to talk to her about it. I tell her how lonely I feel and that it hurts me that she will not be with me. I have also let her know that it is more than just about the sex, I miss holding her,etc. She just says she is not a touchy feely person and she has no desire. She knows I know about her vibrator, but probably doesn't know that I check to see if it has been used. 

I had dealt with infidelity from her a couple of years ago, not so worried about it now. I have all of her passwords, phone logs, and even a tracker on the computer (this she does not know about, but is to protect me from going through that pain again). There isn't anyone else, she only leave the house to go to work. She never goes out.

I have asked her repeatedly to get her thyroid checked as recommended by an urgent care doctor. I am afraid the more ask the more reluctant she will be to do it. This fits with bedroom activities too. The more I bring up the lack of, I fear will cause it to just be put off even more.

I am not worried about my looks being the reason. I work out 4-5 times a week, eat healthy, quit smoking. Not to sound ****y, but I am an average guy who has not had problems attracting women.


----------



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

How are you doing otherwise in the marriage? Have you been asking what she is missing? She may not even know.

Maybe take ask her to fill out this survey and you do the same. Tell her it is to help you find how you can love her better. Share the results. Whatever her love language is try to find out how you can better "speak" to her in it. 

Ideally she will want to do the same but...don't count on it. Do your part "heck it's been a year" another couple of months maybe. See if in general you do not find her more loving (not necessarily sexual).

Then..after you know you have been giving her what she needs...talk about what you need. Hopefully some where along the line she will have begun to try to do it anyway, but a year is a long time, bad habits have set in.

OTOH, you may find you've been neglecting her needs quite a bit as well and will be having a hard time correcting your own bad habits. Hard to know without trying...


----------



## hard2saybye (Apr 28, 2010)

I try to accomodate and fill her needs. I try to set up date nights, but she does not want to leave the kids with a sitter. Like I said I do more with the kids and the housework than most men would ever think about doing. I try to relieve her stress as much as possible. I give her back, foot leg rubs when she is stressed or sore. I don't go out with my guys, but once in a blue moon. I used to play online poker a lot and have given that up except for after she goes to bed or if I wake up early on the weekends. 

Working out/dieting to try and be more attractive to her. I am in decent shape, but not an abercrombie model. 

Most of the women complain that their husbands make them do everything and they are so burned out that they do not want intimacy. I have tackled that hurdle. 

I really think it is a self esteem/phycological issue or the thyroid is really screwed up and effecting her badly. The problem is she will not get treatment for either one. She was diagnosed with PTSD/Mood disorders after her affair, but took the medication only for a week. She thinks she can fix everything herself, but I have been dealing with this for about 4 years and she has only gotten worse. She used to pursue me and wanted it even more than I did. Then it went off like a light switch.


----------



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

While it does sound like like you are really making an effort ... I'd still try the above...I mean....doubt you end up worse off than you are now even if it has no bearing 

Sorry, I know it probably feels like it shouldn't be all on your shoulders, but it appears at this point - it is.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You said you read some of the guy's complaints here. Have you read the women's complaints? Have you read the responses they received? I suspect your wife's situation is not so unique, in that you need to figure out what YOUR problem is, not your wife's problem. She does not want you sexually, and there is a reason for it. Obviously, the reason she gives is not an accurate one since you know she masturbates. So why doesn't she want you???

So now, you will respond to me with exclamations that you do not treat her badly, you know how to please her in bed, you are the ideal husband and all that jazz, but that will just be more of you blaming her and excluding/exonerating yourself of any culpability. You manufactured 3 or 4 different ways to blame her but offered nothing in the possible way of your own contributions. 

My experience as a woman is there is nothing that would keep my hands off (of keep his hands off me) a man who treats me well and pleases me in bed. You mention her withholding as a tactic. A lot of that is mentioned on these forums, but I have no clue what they are saying or what you are saying concerning that. I withheld from my first husband sometimes until I finally left him, but withholding had nothing to do with controlling him or being any kind of tactic. I didn't want him. Simple as that. And couldn't stand him touching me. Simple as that. The reason was the way he treated me; the things he'd say that hurt my feelings; the things he'd do that were disrespectful and/or inconsiderate; the stupid arguments we would have with him always trying to control me and every situation. I couldn't understand how on earth he would do or say things to me during the day and then expect me to want him at night. I also didn't understand him always denying everything he did or said. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings" or "I didn't do anything wrong" were not excuses. After 9 or 10 months of that, I left. Perhaps your wife doesn't want to leave but also doesn't want you. You need to find out why and correct your behaviors.

Another thing is, you cannot truly know how good in bed you are, despite the great lover you think you are. If you are an inconsiderate lover, a woman will naturally turn away from you. There is nothing in it for her, so there is no point being bothered. For some strange reason, most men think they are woman's gift. Those men are delusional. Are you one of them? Please don't respond, as the question was rhetorical. I don't need you spilling your ego all over me. I (nor this board) am not the one you have to prove anything to. 

If, on the other hand, you are a considerate lover, then kudos for you, but it still doesn't mean you are successful in your efforts. In my dating years, I met guys who truly tried to please me and thought they knew what they were doing. They didn't, however, have a clue. While I appreciated their sincere and concentrated efforts, I was still left unfulfilled. They knew very well what to do. They just didn't know how to do it. The biggest problem in that respect was I didn't know either. I was old enough to recognize my needs but not experienced enough to guide anyone. Looking back years later, I had to chuckle at discovering the reasons why a guy's attempts simply didn't work and caused me more frustration than pleasure. They were more than willing but didn’t know the techniques. Neither did I.

So first, instead of coming to a marriage forum complaining about your wife and finding umpteen reasons and ways to blame her for your lack of a sex life, the first place to look is within yourself. That woman did not turn away from you for no reason, but she is not the one to blame. Secondly, get out of this forum and look somewhere else on the internet that will teach you how to please her. Thirdly, look into marriage counseling so the two of you may begin to communicate effectively. And finally, rent this movie and watch it so you learn to set the wheels in motion of winning back your wife's affections. I wish you well.


----------



## elhi13 (Apr 28, 2010)

I am in the same situation..but I am the wife. I have tried and tried, asked and asked and even told him that I was lonely and please don't do this to me and nothing. I would suggest you continue to try to talk to her and be as honest as possible. Eventually, the answer will come to you as what your next move will be.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Disagree with Susan2010.

I did that for years like you too and all it did was lead to paralysis by analysis. My stb-x used to get hung up on the respect issue. The ironic thing was I totally 100% respected her. . .I practically put her on a pedestal and she was like an animated woman on Jerry Springer walking around on stage screaming, "You disrespectin' me!!! You disrespectin' me!!!" I internalized it like you are doing and it does no good and I totally disagree with Susan2010 on this - you can only internalize it so much.

In fact, when she knows you are internalizing it. . .it becomes borderline emotional abuse. I hate that term - "emotional abuse" becuase is purports the idea you are a victim and you are only a victim in as much as you and I allowed it. . .but I am just saying - it's wrong and it's manipulative.

Something as simple as forgetting to leave the light on turned into a major symbolic action on how I felt about her as a person.

That's the sucky part of withholding/not giving intimacy - it fosters self-blame. And like you, I accepted it, internalized it and it shot my self-esteem for years.

Now that I am out and about among women, I have discovered I *am* God's gift to them. Ha, ha. . .no, not really. ..just kidding on that  . . .but seriously, I have discovered I am not all that bad of a guy and it's nice to have a couple women doteing over me.

Go ahead and analyze it some more but if you have to be the bad guy, like I was, and leave her - do it. 

Just like Trump - "Wifey. . .You're fired." 

Then let her hate you, despise you for the rest of your life and blame you for all of her woes like Susan2010 seems to do. Let her justify her reason for not even wanting to hold your hand.

Frankly, there's no excuse for that. I don't care if you said something insensitive the day before, or left the toilet seat up. She should know what's in your heart by now and if she doesn't well, she's got issues, not you.

But I do agree with Susan2010 - begging for some human touch. . .you should never have to do that. Let her find out the hard way divorce ain't no picnic.

When she comes down from her room one night and discovers you aren't there, it may be the biggest wake-up call she ever receives.

Play hardball. . .not softball.


----------



## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

hard2saybye said:


> It has been nearly a year since the last time the misses and I had sex. I am at my wits end and always trying find the answer. I look on here and the typical guy is complaining he gets it only once a week or once a month and I just cannot relate.
> 
> Its not just the lack of sex, but the total lack of intimacy on her part. There is no cuddling, hand holding, passionate kisses, etc. Trust me I have tried everything, just to be shot down all of the time. It's very depressing to have the love of your life reject you time and time again without giving you a valid reason. Says she is never in the mood and doesn't need sex.
> 
> ...



*Have you told her how you feel and tried to figure out what to do next, together?*


----------



## hard2saybye (Apr 28, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> You said you read some of the guy's complaints here. Have you read the women's complaints? Have you read the responses they received? I suspect your wife's situation is not so unique, in that you need to figure out what YOUR problem is, not your wife's problem. She does not want you sexually, and there is a reason for it. Obviously, the reason she gives is not an accurate one since you know she masturbates. So why doesn't she want you???
> 
> So now, you will respond to me with exclamations that you do not treat her badly, you know how to please her in bed, you are the ideal husband and all that jazz, but that will just be more of you blaming her and excluding/exonerating yourself of any culpability. You manufactured 3 or 4 different ways to blame her but offered nothing in the possible way of your own contributions.
> 
> ...


Susan,
Are you mad at the world? I am not blaming my wife for anything. I am trying to figure out why she is not intimate and how I can fix things. I am the one that is trying to find a solution. I have no problem talking about my feelings, likes and dislikes, but she does have issues communicating. I am not making biased statements, I am stating facts. I have asked her to go tocounseling with me, but she refuses. I have went to counseling individually to try and figure out this situation. I am at my wit's end and your post bashing men's perception of how good of a lover they are is not the constructive advice I really need.


----------



## hard2saybye (Apr 28, 2010)

I guess the real question that this all comes down to is... can this situation be rectified? Is it possible for her to be a loving and intimate person?


----------



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I'm going to stick to my original answer.

It is most likely that she can. It is also very likely that you are somehow not meeting her emotional needs. Or that some time in the past you weren't and the wall she built up have not been broken.

Only answers, nope, could be medical, psychological or a myriad of lesser combos.

My thought is if you start with trying to meet her emotional needs, then no matter what goes from there, you will both be in a happier marriage.

Look I'm not saying she is meeting all your needs either. Obviously she is not meeting your touch emotional need. So, you can concentrate on what you know she isn't doing (which doesn't seem to be working very well for you) or you can go in search of what needs she feels you are not meeting of hers.

Unfair that you should have to give in on yours while you need to search for hers? Maybe, you are a big boy though ... you can handle that.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Scannerguard, you don't know anything about the situation I was in, so there was nothing for you to disagree with. But, you took it upon yourself to obliterate my words and reduce them to drivel just like you did your wife as if her complaints and accurate descriptions of you were nothing more than her imagination. You make it clear she couldn't possibly be right about anything and no wonder if she couldn't stand you. You dated her and convinced her to marry you, but then afterward you turned into yourself and she saw the real person. Now that you are "out and about among women," you miraculously transformed back into that dating guy so they all think you are mister wonderful. How brilliant for your ego just like I said, and you were even quick to acknowledge the fact in effort to tear me down. It doesn't surprise me in the least that you don't recognize confirming me. You were too busy trying to reduce me. I sure hope none of them get duped into meeting the real you like your wife did.

hard2saybye, I just call it the way I see it. Simple as that. I didn't write your words. You did. Then, you denied every one of them simply because I pointed them out. I wonder if that is a pattern with you. Please again, don't answer. I really don't care for any more denials.

Incredibly funny to me how you both confirmed/proved/co-signed everything I said while you attempted to put me down (did you do your wife that way?) and deny my words or your own words. Just way too funny.


----------



## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

No offense susan but I think you have some self esteem issues and this forum makes your all high and mighty. You are biased towards men. You are not here for your husband or whatever relationship you are in. You are here for you and to point your finger at other men whom you don't know their whole story. I am sorry for whomever wronged you enough for you to be here. But take your blinders off. No one here is exactly alike and we all have gone through so much. Constructive critisism people, don't try to neuter them. What you call advice isn't advice since everything I have read you wrote is biased against men. Try to be about the marriage not one side or the other and you will get further.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Like I said, I call it the way I see it, so there are no blinders, Carefulthoughts, and certainly no self-esteem issues. Can't even imagine where that one came from. Obviously, you haven't read much of what I've written.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Susan2010:

Cool! I call it the way I see it too. We are allowed to disagree. I feel like you got all defensive and there is no need for that. Just because your position was wrong doesn't mean you are a bad person.  (that was a joke) I just vehemently disagree with you about putting this poor yahoo through more and more and more paralysis by self-analysis.

"The 'don't whine, it must be you'. . ."

Man. . .that's terrible, Susan2010. Actually, not just terrible - it's incorrect. I don't mind firm advice. . .if it's actually right. But this advice is wrong.

In a way I roundabout agree - it is something he's doing (because the only thing you can control is yourself) but it can't be something *about* him that you implied in your original post.

If anything, I feel for the original poster because there before the Grace of God goeth I as they say. If anything, I never demeaned my wife's positions and my gf said I kind of had "battered husband" syndrome in that anytime I would make a little joke, I would say, "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" She told me to relax.

I was truly the "henpecked" husband and that's what the original poster is acting like. . .and you are right - his wife doesn't respect him for it. But you don't advise him to go around clucking like a hen to break that.

I'll tell you something now, Susan2010 - my wife respects me now. She may hate me. She may despise the ground I walk on. . .but I know she respects me.

From doteing, henpecked husband to worthy adversary if nothing else. Respect has been restored.

There comes a time when all the self-analysis has to stop, all the pedantic psychobabble has to be laid to rest and he has to go out and claim his happiness. I am not saying it doesn't have it's place but less yackin and more action/change. What he is doing and saying is not reaching her - she holing up in her own little world of her computer and who knows what that is - an affair, boredom, etc.

Another poster offered something valuable - it could be medical, psychological, whatever. . .but he can't control her and what she does and what should be important to her - her marriage/her husband.

When you withdraw intimacy, that's the message - intended or not - "You're not important! You don't count!"

It's the "Nuclear Option" in a relationship - it absolutely decimates it.

You only took it personally because I challenged your position (successfully) and I do realize a lot of women (you do sound like my stb-x) hate to have their position challenged, especially by men if they are of feminist bent.

Well, get over it. Rather than attacking me personally and say I must have been a sunnovagun to live with. . .just rebutt what I said as a masculinist. 

He can weigh your opinion and my opinion:

Your opinion - continue with more self-analysis and try to please her. My question to that is - what if that doesn't work Susan2010? His happiness is riding on her happiness. Seems like an awful gambe to me and what's the definition of insanity? To keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result?

My opinion - break the circle of catering to her and go out and claim his happiness. That doesn't necessarily mean having orgies every night - it just means lead the life he wants to lead rather than catering to a disinterested and disconnected spouse.

I hope this clarifies my position against your advice, not you personally.

PS: The me and out and about dating other women and being Mr. Wonderful. . .that was self-deprecating humor. Sorry it was lost on you - my fault. Don't worry. . .no plans to remarry and draw another woman into being with the "real me", lol. I am content to lead a bachelor life now and being God's gift to women.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You still don't get it, Scannerguard, and you keep contradicting yourself. I won't bother anymore trying to convince either of you. His problem is his problem, and your problem you simply walked away from and are advising him to do the same. It's up to him, of course, but I hope he can see for himself my point in that she is not telling him _"You're not important! You don't count!"_ as you say, but that he already made her feel that way. Hence, his current predicament. And _"His happiness is riding on her happiness"_ applies to every relationship. Though you use the term to whip her with, I hope he can see he has made her unhappy. Hence, his current predicament. He will do as he wishes henceforth, give up or give himself another chance.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Though you use the term to whip her with, I hope he can see he has made her unhappy.


Susan2010:

I remember a line from the movie Jerry Maguire where Rod Tidwell says to Jerry - "Jerry, that's the problem with you. . .you think we are fighting when I think we are just starting to talk."

I hope we can apply this to you and me.

Again, I have to vehemently disagree with that statement.

He made her unhappy? How? Was he beating her? Was he giving her only a $5.00/week allowance? Was he chaining her to the bed and kitchen for only sex and cooked meals? I doubt it. Who knows. . .like you, I am sure I don't know everything from his one post.

But assuming he is a mostly nice guy, does his best to provide emotional, financial, and social support, I think happiness is a personal choice.

You wake up in the morning. You boot up that computer called your brain. You make a choice to be happy or not. There are some days I know I chose to be unhappy. . .but I blame me. . .I don't blame my co-workers, my spouse, etc. I was unhappy in my marriage because I chose to remain there.

I accept responsibility.

It wasn't her fault I was such a chucklehead.

Laying all of her happiness or unhappiness at his feet (and if I know him, he's already doing that to himself to a great degree). . .well, it's wrong. He cannot take ownership of that.

Maybe she'll wake up one day and realize what a good thing she had. . .maybe she won't.

Advising him to walk away? Not necessarily (although to be fair, yes, I am probably saying that between the lines and I should clarify). . .I am only advising to stop trying to please her. It won't work. On some level, it's working for her. . .him trying to please her, and her saying, "You are not pleasing me." 

And it's not working for him.

IMHO, he needs to create a whipcrack change immediately in himself and maybe it will get her attention, maybe it won't. . .but it has to be of no consequence either way to him.

Frankly, if it's been a year since sex (and I can't remember now at this point), the marriage is unconsummated at this point. It doesn't exist.

What remains is a legalmish-mosh of joint property and asset/liability ownership and child-rearing responsibilities to society/the state in which he resides. That's it.

Yes, sex is that important. It is what keeps the marriage in a constant state of validation.


----------



## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Carefulthoughts said:


> You are biased towards men. You are not here for your husband or whatever relationship you are in. You are here for you and to point your finger at other men whom you don't know their whole story. I am sorry for whomever wronged you enough for you to be here. No one here is exactly alike and we all have gone through so much. Try to be about the marriage not one side or the other and you will get further.


CT:

I think it's pretty difficult to be balanced when someone (or a particular sex) has hurt you repeatedly, over and over again. I think it's natural (though I'm not condoning this behavior) to put up the walls, have a soured outlook and be pretty skeptical all the way around.

A while back, I thought I was protecting myself, when in fact I was harming myself and how others perceived and related to me.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

hard2saybye said:


> It has been nearly a year since the last time the misses and I had sex. I am at my wits end and always trying find the answer. I look on here and the typical guy is complaining he gets it only once a week or once a month and I just cannot relate.
> 
> Its not just the lack of sex, but the total lack of intimacy on her part. There is no cuddling, hand holding, passionate kisses, etc. Trust me I have tried everything, just to be shot down all of the time. It's very depressing to have the love of your life reject you time and time again without giving you a valid reason. Says she is never in the mood and doesn't need sex.
> 
> ...


This problem is simple to say, your woman is not sexually attracted to you.

Here are the facts:

A woman is sexually attracted to the man who is in control of himself and his environment, the dominant man.

A woman will resent a man that is the opposite of this, to say a "weak man" or a man who is instead following his woman, this is the "nice guy" as well. 

For such a man a woman is not going to be attracted to sexually, and not only not attracted to but even so much as to RESENT such a man. Even for the "nice guy" to do the dishes and housework and rubbing her feet and all these things, it will never be enough to change the resentment to sexual attraction.

Sexual attraction is not logic or reason or negotiation, but much older and much more primal language than this, it is emotional, a language of communcation of body language and action and behavior. Sexual attraction is not a communcation of words for words are a recent invention of humans along with logic and reason but sexual language is MUCH MUCH OLDER than all these tings!

For a man and woman in the relationship where there is not sexual attraction, there is instead resentment. There is either one or the other but always one or the other.

Without sexual attraction to a man a woman is not going emotionally connected to that man as well. The two are intertwined, where the one is strong, so is the other strong, and where the one is withered, so is the other withering.

So the solution is this, for you to stop doing these things to appease or beg your woman to be attracted to you, this will not work.

INstead do the tings that for yourself you find happiness and fullfillment and success, and in these things take the leadership to invite your woman to share in your happiness. She will be seeing you as the man in control of himself and his environment, a man she is respecting and of course it flows, respect, then sexual attraction, and then emotional connection. 

These are building on one another, but the good man does not build these things by being weak, or following his woman, or too much the "nice guy", or begging, or being indecisive or whiny or emotionally up and down as if blown by the wind.

Search these forums for the "nice guy" problems, and the "dominant man" solutions. Even on my own profile over 240 posts and they are usually for many different scenarios but usually these same one or two issues. 

To wonder if this can be fixed, the answer is absolutely.

BUt it starts to be courageous enough to stop what is not working, and start what does work.

And to say a quik word of advice to this other drama that is ocuring on this thread that is maybe helping, maybe not. :scratchhead:

Simply know there are many hurting poeple on this forum who are giving relationship advice that are in most ways still hurting themselfs from their own relationship history, so to give respect when it is appropriate, but also silence and understanding also when perhaps the person is hurting so much they are not able to contain the pain and is spills over into sharp words and cutting talk where it not always beneficial. 

To such posts, do not take to heart if there are hurtful things said, in that way we are here on this forum to learn and share together, and to find healing from helpful words and to realize even the sharp words are just words. 

I wish you well.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Simply know there are many hurting poeple on this forum who are giving relationship advice that are in most ways still hurting themselfs from their own relationship history, so to give respect when it is appropriate, but also silence and understanding also when perhaps the person is hurting so much they are not able to contain the pain and is spills over into sharp words and cutting talk where it not always beneficial.


I think that's a fair statement and I know sometimes I am guilty of that.

I have been better lately on the anger issue. I read a good book that to control the divorce anger, which sometimes you really can't figure out where it's coming from, is to stop with the "should haves" and "should not haves".

When I find myself saying, "She should have showed me some affection." I say to myself, "I really wish she had showed me some affection."

One is a statement of anger; the other is a statement of sadness.

Bad Kirk is being subdued slowly.


----------



## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I think that's a fair statement and I know sometimes I am guilty of that.
> 
> I have been better lately on the anger issue. I read a good book that to control the divorce anger, which sometimes you really can't figure out where it's coming from, is to stop with the "should haves" and "should not haves".
> 
> ...


I like your dealing with anger from your marriage technique. Another one I came across was called the "release technique.," where you basically just let go of anger, stress and anything that bothers you. For me, if I were to say "I wish she should have...," I think I would still feel a bit upset, although the understand the differentiation you mention. Good stuff!


----------

