# Married to Serial Cheaters



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice?
2. How many affair partners?
3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)?
4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?
5. What was your last DDay or "biggest" affair you had to deal with?
6. What's the state of your marriage now, if you are more than a year or two from your last DDay?
7. Is it a real marriage again or going through the motions?
8. Are family outings and get togethers fulfilling or doing it for the kids sort of thing?

If you are uncomfortable sharing these here, please feel free to inbox me.

I am on a roll today. I promise I won't start another thread but these two topics didn't necessarily belong in my thread story. Although I should update that with the latest anyway.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

asia said:


> 1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice?
> 2. How many affair partners? *Definitely 3, but probably many more that I'll never find out about*
> 3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *Nope, the love she didn't give me, she liked to spread around*
> 4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? *12..I divorced her over a decade ago, partially due to this very issue. NOW I'm married to the most amazing woman and couldn't be happier.*
> ...


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

So yours was different as you never tried to recover and was already divorcing. 

Did it make the divorce process easier for your?

I just re-read your answer.....it was a dealbreaker for you. Lol


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

*1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice?* Raises hand…
*2. How many affair partners?* 6 OM, 1 OW that I know of in a variety of affairs (different kinds of EA’s and PA’s) Only 2 are confessed PA’s, but it’s probably a lie since I think she also only counts repeat partners and piv sex; kissing doesn't count sort of stuff.
*3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *Nope. Again varies; on and off again with some. An ex-boyfriend, and co-worker sorts. 
*4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?* (Assume specific to the relationship versus me in general) Varies… today is a 3; it’s our anniversary, so I’m low. Usually hovers around 6.
*5. What was your last DDay or "biggest" affair you had to deal with?* Last DDay was spring ’12; First DD was ‘03. “Biggest” affair was a 2 year LTPA with a total loser.
*6. What's the state of your marriage now, if you are more than a year or two from your last DDay?* Varies… sort of have a hard time seeing it as a ‘real marriage’. “Processed marriage” maybe 
*7. Is it a real marriage again or going through the motions?* Not even the motions… it’s simply a complex relationship that can’t be thrown into a category that makes sense. Paper marriage, but there’s love, not Hallmark romantic love, but love like you'd have for a close family member or very close friend. Friendship, co-parenting, co-financial mingling, shared laughs, repressed hurts… But two individuals, not “two souls as one”.
*8. Are family outings and get togethers fulfilling or doing it for the kids sort of thing?* Neither; We enjoy each other’s company and the kids. Sort of like asking if you enjoy going out with a friend… yes I do, but she isn’t necessary for enjoyment or not; I find that myself.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Racer said:


> *1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice?* Raises hand…
> *2. How many affair partners?* 6 OM, 1 OW that I know of in a variety of affairs (different kinds of EA’s and PA’s) Only 2 are confessed PA’s, but it’s probably a lie since I think she also only counts repeat partners and piv sex; kissing doesn't count sort of stuff.
> *3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *Nope. Again varies; on and off again with some. An ex-boyfriend, and co-worker sorts.
> *4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?* (Assume specific to the relationship versus me in general) Varies… today is a 3; it’s our anniversary, so I’m low. Usually hovers around 6.
> ...


Not thread hijacking, but wow man. I tried to read your story, but I guess I dont meet the requirements yet. Sounds rough.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice? *I AM*
2. How many affair partners? *3 PA's, 2 EA's (Admitted), I suspect many more.*
3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *One AP over a long period of time would not be serial cheating in my opinion, unless The affair was "outted" and a NO Contact agreement was violated and the affair later re-started.*
4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? *Overall - 8, Marriage - 2*
5. What was your last DDay or "biggest" affair you had to deal with? *Long story but biggest D-Day was when she slept with her first cousin and started a long-distance affair, thinking they would run-off together and take our kids (and his) and live "away from the world".*

6. What's the state of your marriage now, if you are more than a year or two from your last DDay? *I'm waiting until she is cured from cancer and then will likely divorce.*

7. Is it a real marriage again or going through the motions? *Motions. Was never a "real" marriage, I was just to stupid to see it. Her first affair was less than 2 years into our marriage, I suspected couldn't confirm. I should have ended it then just because of the lies that she told that I could verify.*

8. Are family outings and get togethers fulfilling or doing it for the kids sort of thing? *Very limited family outings. Kids are late teens and broader family is all very far away. The kids & I go visit my parents but that's about it.*


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice? *One more here*
2. How many affair partners? *2 EA (cybersex), 2 PA (that I know of) 1 of those was long term >3 years. I suspect more.*
3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)?* 1 PA was long term, multiple encounters.*
4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? *1*
5. What was your last DDay or "biggest" affair you had to deal with? *May 9, 2014 was my 2nd and last "DDay". She had deleted texts from her phone and wouldn't let me recover. I told her then I'll assume an affair and start divorce proceedings. She admited to the 2 PA 3 days later after comitting herself to a mental hospital. *
6. What's the state of your marriage now, if you are more than a year or two from your last DDay? *Over. I'm filing for divorce.*
7. Is it a real marriage again or going through the motions? *N/A*
8. Are family outings and get togethers fulfilling or doing it for the kids sort of thing? *Haven't had any, won't with her. I'm sure family outings with the kids will be fulfilling once the awkwardness of the divorce starts to fade. *


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice? *I was married to a serial cheater, but divorced as soon as I become aware that he was one.*

2. How many affair partners? *At least 5 that he confessed to, plus several that he described as "inappropriate but not cheating". I suspect there were more, so ballpark, let's say maybe 8-10 different affair partners.*

3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *He's a big fan of variety. Some one night stands, some EA's, some flat-out sexting with no real other emotional component, some PA's of varying lengths, some "inappropriate" relationships which I assume were budding affairs that broke off for whatever reason. *

4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? *I'm very happy now, probably an 8, but I'm also divorced now. *

5. What was your last DDay or "biggest" affair you had to deal with? *I found out about a LT EA in 2010, which I thought was the only affair he'd had. I was devastated, did all the typical doormat BS behavior, and we were in a very rocky R for nearly 3 years after that. Then, our new MC suggested a polygraph, which led him to confess to having been a serial cheater for over 14 years. That one night of confession was both the biggest and last D-Day. * 

6. What's the state of your marriage now, if you are more than a year or two from your last DDay? *My last D-Day was on July 24, 2013. I was at my attorney's office the next day, and our divorce was final exactly 10 weeks later. A single EA was one thing. 14 years of serial cheating was just a deal breaker for me.* 

7. Is it a real marriage again or going through the motions? *See #6 above. We'd never had a real marriage. He'd begun cheating barely 18 months after the wedding.*

8. Are family outings and get togethers fulfilling or doing it for the kids sort of thing? *We actually still do some things as a family, and co-parent very well. I try very hard to make sure that all of our interactions are amicable and polite, but very definitely strictly about our son.*


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Racer said:


> *1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice?* Raises hand…
> *2. How many affair partners?* 6 OM, 1 OW that I know of in a variety of affairs (different kinds of EA’s and PA’s) Only 2 are confessed PA’s, but it’s probably a lie since I think she also only counts repeat partners and piv sex; kissing doesn't count sort of stuff.
> *3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *Nope. Again varies; on and off again with some. An ex-boyfriend, and co-worker sorts.
> *4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?* (Assume specific to the relationship versus me in general) Varies… today is a 3; it’s our anniversary, so I’m low. Usually hovers around 6.
> ...


Racer, do you still have issues with the AP from your last DDay? I like your term "processed marriage". That seems to fit us types pretty accurately.

And even if you are feeling pretty low, I will still say Happy Anniversary. Hang in there!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

asia said:


> Racer, do you still have issues with the AP from your last DDay?


DD she had 2 OM. The LTPA she was breaking up with and the replacement that was at the early EA stages when I discovered. The LTPA fished for a few months. The EA; He took himself out a few months after (suicide).


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice?
*Yep*

2. How many affair partners?
*3-- One PA that lasted two years back in the '80s. One PA that lasted a year 2011-2012 and a One Night (lunch) Stand just before D-Day in Nov. 2012. I found out about all of them at one time on D-Day.*

3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)?
*3 different dudes, all a lot younger*

4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?
*About a 3 for the first 6 months, have slowly progressed to about a seven or eight.*

5. What was your last DDay or "biggest" affair you had to deal with?
*See question 2*

6. What's the state of your marriage now, if you are more than a year or two from your last DDay?
*Reconciliation. Better than ever actually.*

7. Is it a real marriage again or going through the motions?
*Real*

8. Are family outings and get togethers fulfilling or doing it for the kids sort of thing?
*Kids are gone, it's just us.*


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

asia said:


> 1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice? Add me
> 2. How many affair partners? 2 pa's + 3 ea's(dirty texts/pics) that she has confessed too, do any of us every really know how many?
> 3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? nope all different
> 4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?what day, hour or minute is it? overall a 5-6 but some times 1
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Racer said:


> DD she had 2 OM. The LTPA she was breaking up with and the replacement that was at the early EA stages when I discovered. The LTPA fished for a few months. The EA; He took himself out a few months after (suicide).


WOW! ...... Screwed up!

Your pretty much there for your kids I guess. I hope it pays off. You seem like a pretty good dad.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Asia, it seems to me that you are looking for sucessfully cases of reconcilation with serial cheaters to motivate and convince yourself that you re doing the right thing, the healthy advice to give you would be, don't try it most of the cases here of TAM of people that tried reconcilation with serial cheaters ended on divorce for a reason, but if you really want to talk with the someone who had a sucessfully reconcilation with a serial cheater, I advice you to PM "the guy" his wife had around 15 OMs, but now days they are in a good place in their marriage, this is the only case that I can actually say is already a sucessfully reconcilation with a serial cheater.

but note that his wife came totally clean about facts and OM that he had no other way to know (that is why her number of OM sounds so big) but with an honest confession, probably other users here that are trying reconcilation with their serial cheaters are still unaware of other OM/OW that they serial cheaters will never confess by their own.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

1) IDK how many there are amoung us, but I'm one
2) 20 OM's
3) NO but their was a rotation with one POS
4) 1. My check engine light just went on , on the way home, but as far as the M goes I'm really happy.... a ten...she stopped phucking around.
5) last and only dday was Feb '10, biggest affair to deal w/ was Mrs. the guy screwing a "good friend" of mine!
6) 4 yrs post and the M is great...she stopped phucking around, no more toxic friends, and its all about meeting each others needs. What can I say I have a thing for sl^ts as long as their my sl^t....never liked sharing!
7) Its more like new lovers...the expectations of marriage went out the window. We are old enough to know what we want and experienced enough to know what will happen if I start slapping her around or she starts phucking around again. After 24 yrs., its a whole new game for both of us.
8) Kids are moved out...our outings are all about the two of us and having good, clean, and safe fun. Can't even remember the last time we were out and a couple of chicks got into a fight, or someone shot off a fire arm...hell its nice not having to deal with the cops for once in our marriage. But when we do have family outings, I noticed how reserved the kids are...its like their just waiting for sh1t to go bad!

At the end of the day....if and when I get some grand kids will the changes me and the old lady make *now* help us enjoy our grand kids. Its sad, the old friend's that aren't dead or in jail have issues with their own kids and grand kids. Me and the old lady are on great terms with our kids and our friends kids ....I look forward in watching/being with our grand kids. It sucks, some of our *old* friends are just to phucked up to watch their own grand kids.

On a side note, no matter how messed up our M was it always seemed that our home was were all these kids hung out. I think it says something about me and the old lady and why I keep her around?

In short what me and the old lady were doing that was so jacked up not so long ago, doesn't mean sh1t....their is a bigger picture to see when your not so phucking selfish!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

It's so hard to reconcile with a serial cheater, because they have cheating ALL AROUND THEM. In just about every environment they are in they have options or partners or potentials. If you shut down one affair they may have had several others going.

For someone to want to stop they have to experience serious loss and/or pain.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

manticore said:


> Asia, it seems to me that you are looking for sucessfully cases of reconcilation with serial cheaters to motivate and convince yourself that you re doing the right thing, the healthy advice to give you would be, don't try it most of the cases here of TAM of people that tried reconcilation with serial cheaters ended on divorce for a reason, but if you really want to talk with the someone who had a sucessfully reconcilation with a serial cheater, I advice you to PM "the guy" his wife had around 15 OMs, but now days they are in a good place in their marriage, this is the only case that I can actually say is already a sucessfully reconcilation with a serial cheater.
> 
> but note that his wife came totally clean about facts and OM that he had no other way to know (that is why her number of OM sounds so big) but with an honest confession, probably other users here that are trying reconcilation with their serial cheaters are still unaware of other OM/OW that they serial cheaters will never confess by their own.


It was 20.
I think she came clean so she could die with a clean conscious:lol:

The thing is I came clean with my own crap...being a wife beater was the lowest ...even in county I figured it was just a matter of time I would get out, but beating Mrs. the guy ....well there was no way out except on my own.

I know my old lady saw the steps I did to be emotionally healthier...hell thats why I finally pulled my head out of my @ss. She saw it.... she saw thme finding a better life and it was up to her to keep up.

You know...alll these phucking waywards out there just don't see the big picture....especially when they get called out and phucking continue anyway!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

treyvion said:


> It's so hard to reconcile with a serial cheater, because they have cheating ALL AROUND THEM. In just about every environment they are in they have options or partners or potentials. If you shut down one affair they may have had several others going.
> 
> For someone to want to stop they have to experience serious loss and/or pain.


Like loss of consoiusness:rofl:


Besides sex...enviroment has a lot to with making choices that will change your life forever


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Back to #4) I CAN'T BELIEVE MY CHECK ENGINE LIGHT WENT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the thread jack.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

2. How many affair partners? *3 PAs*
3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *3 different OWs*
4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? *Today, 9*
5. What was your last DDay or "biggest" affair you had to deal with? *Over a year ago*
6. What's the state of your marriage now, if you are more than a year or two from your last DDay? *Excellent, fulfilling, connected, deep*
7. Is it a real marriage again or going through the motions? *Real*


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

asia said:


> 1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice?
> 2. How many affair partners?
> 3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)?
> 4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?
> ...


1. Not anymore. Showed her the door.
2. She had 3 I know of in about 1.5 years.
3. No. When I think of serial betrayer, I think of more than 1 person.
4. 7.5. I am in a friendship marriage and it works well.
5. She called me last July and, after 12 years, wanted to say she was sorry.
6. N/A
7. The times we tried to R were, at best, going thru the motions.
8. My grand daughter's bday parties, she has been to 3 of 7. he other 4 my daughter didn't invite her as she is still having issues with her mother since she became a betrayer. It was hard for us all to be civil, and we avoided each other for the most part. Her latest husband seems like a nice guy. I have heard they aren't getting along too well.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> Your pretty much there for your kids I guess. I hope it pays off. You seem like a pretty good dad.


Yes and no... I'd like to believe I'm on the path like "the guy" where we're enjoying being around each other. And there is no 'pay off' in a relationship... you either want to be with them or you don't and would rather be with other people.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

dignityhonorpride said:


> 2. How many affair partners? *3 PAs*
> 3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *3 different OWs*
> 4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? *Today, 9*
> 5. What was your last DDay or "biggest" affair you had to deal with? *Over a year ago*
> ...


DHP, how were you able to get to a 9 today with your latest DDay only being a year away? What happened that caused him to stop cheating and have the marriage you describe? And how do you trust that it will last and there not be any other women? 

Nice to read a success story!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

asia said:


> DHP, how were you able to get to a 9 today with your latest DDay only being a year away?


Honestly, I would have answered this completely different at the 1-2 year mark past DD. I would have been an 8 or 9 on satisfaction. During that period of the R, my WW was still really putting in effort and there were a vast amount of changes for the better going on in the marriage. And for me, the affairs and my treatment during them were still fresh memories to compare against. We were heavily dating and doing all that reaffirming stuff like it is rekindling old embers we have for each other.

Beginning year 2 and slowly degrading is the marriage ‘rebalancing’ back into status-quo. Less changes, the hyperbonding stopped, new priorities, etc. Security is reasonably established. By the 3rd year, for the BS, it feels like you are married to them again just like before. But you have those not-so-wonderful memories of how this worked out before. So you try to talk to them…. And hit that wall of excuses where you realize you might be back off that priority list of needing their efforts. Like picking up dog poo in the back yard is once again more important than just being there holding you after a bad day at work. You feel alone again and they aren’t trying to impress or win you back. “Marriage secure… check… now onto dumping my energy on the house!” You are taken for granted again.

So I hope DHP’s wayward never stops trying or believes they’re done.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

asia said:


> 1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice?
> 2. How many affair partners?
> 3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)?
> 4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?
> ...


2. 7+, one confirmed PA the rest EA. 
3. One guy was a PA over the course of a year, the rest were over the phone/online naked pics/sexting. I believe there was more than 1 PA, even though she won't admit to it.
4 7? 8?
5 January 2013. it started at 1 AM when she was out. It was that night I found out about it. 
6 We're friendly. I have feelings for her. 
7 I see sparks of what could have been a great relationship. I am not sold on the idea. 
8 In my case it's mostly for the kids.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Racer said:


> Honestly, I would have answered this completely different at the 1-2 year mark past DD. I would have been an 8 or 9 on satisfaction. During that period of the R, my WW was still really putting in effort and there were a vast amount of changes for the better going on in the marriage. And for me, the affairs and my treatment during them were still fresh memories to compare against. We were heavily dating and doing all that reaffirming stuff like it is rekindling old embers we have for each other.
> 
> Beginning year 2 and slowly degrading is the marriage ‘rebalancing’ back into status-quo. Less changes, the hyperbonding stopped, new priorities, etc. Security is reasonably established. By the 3rd year, for the BS, it feels like you are married to them again just like before. But you have those not-so-wonderful memories of how this worked out before. So you try to talk to them…. And hit that wall of excuses where you realize you might be back off that priority list of needing their efforts. Like picking up dog poo in the back yard is once again more important than just being there holding you after a bad day at work. You feel alone again and they aren’t trying to impress or win you back. “Marriage secure… check… now onto dumping my energy on the house!” You are taken for granted again.
> 
> So I hope DHP’s wayward never stops trying or believes they’re done.


Kinda of like my marriage Racer. Same progression except reverse the roles. I'm the one who can't seem to keep up the initial enthusiasm of the first year or so.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Racer said:


> Honestly, I would have answered this completely different at the 1-2 year mark past DD. I would have been an 8 or 9 on satisfaction. During that period of the R, my WW was still really putting in effort and there were a vast amount of changes for the better going on in the marriage. And for me, the affairs and my treatment during them were still fresh memories to compare against. We were heavily dating and doing all that reaffirming stuff like it is rekindling old embers we have for each other.
> 
> Beginning year 2 and slowly degrading is the marriage ‘rebalancing’ back into status-quo. Less changes, the hyperbonding stopped, new priorities, etc. Security is reasonably established. By the 3rd year, for the BS, it feels like you are married to them again just like before. But you have those not-so-wonderful memories of how this worked out before. So you try to talk to them…. And hit that wall of excuses where you realize you might be back off that priority list of needing their efforts. Like picking up dog poo in the back yard is once again more important than just being there holding you after a bad day at work. You feel alone again and they aren’t trying to impress or win you back. “Marriage secure… check… now onto dumping my energy on the house!” You are taken for granted again.
> 
> So I hope DHP’s wayward never stops trying or believes they’re done.


@ Racer, you are spot on. The new deal is you now see it.

Back in the day ...for me I wouldn't have given a sh!t but these days, me and the old lady now have the experience to see how this can turn out. 

Its funny how the check engine light went on with my truck the other day....I wish relationships had the same light...instead we gotta figure on experience with our chicks to figure out when that light goes on.

Thats the thing with chicks, they don't sh1t when the check engine light goes on...we don't find out until we go to drive them...:rofl::lol:


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

CaptainLOTO said:


> 1. How many of us are married to spouses that have cheated more than twice? *I AM*
> 2. How many affair partners? *3 PA's, 2 EA's (Admitted), I suspect many more.*
> 3. Same affair partner (is that consider serial too)? *One AP over a long period of time would not be serial cheating in my opinion, unless The affair was "outted" and a NO Contact agreement was violated and the affair later re-started.*
> 4. Scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? *Overall - 8, Marriage - 2*
> ...


Does CaptainLOTO have a thread about his problems?


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