# And another thing I hate about dating....



## one_strange_otter

Met her on POF.....hit it off extremely well. Probably 2000 text messages over the first week if not more. She's pursuing me on text. "leaving the office, txt me" "going upstairs away from my desk, txt me" "How's it going?" "what's up?" etc.

She was trying to get a sitter so we could go out. Didn't work out. then her contact went dead. I sent a few messages, maybe 6 or so. mostly joking about how I was going on our date by myself and that she's a horrible bowler and the goodnight kiss needed work. just being my silly self. 

the next evening she finally texts back and said she had dropped her phone while walking out in the woods behind her house and just found it. Then hits me with a "i just want to be friends" and drops an "I think you're too suffocating. I just can't handle everything else in my life and worry about you freaking out too." ?? :scratchhead:

I sent one text back saying how I was just following her lead and that she was initiating the majority of the texts so how is that suffocating if I'm just responding to her? Her only response was that she was hungover and this was probably the only time she'd be able to just tell me what she felt. And then she said she's an a$$hole...a nice a$$hole.

I'm still scratching my head. I left it alone after that and this morning sent a good morning text. no answer.

WTF?


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## justonelife

Have you guys even met in person yet? I would say drop this one. As they say, there are plenty of fish.


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## one_strange_otter

justonelife said:


> Have you guys even met in person yet? I would say drop this one. As they say, there are plenty of fish.


Yes we did actually. We had two lunch dates at restaurants then she came to my apartment and had some tacos I made. Everything was really rushed because even though it's a small town she still only had about 30 min to eat and get back to the office. 

I guess that's another thing that makes me think she's bipolar or something. She jumped at every opportunity to go out with me or be around me. She said that she was having a horrible day right before telling me she only wanted to be friends. so idk....


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## EnjoliWoman

Move on. She even admitted she's trouble. She didn't drop her phone in the woods - she was weighing whether or not she wanted to see you and maybe even trying to juggle you with a new male contact. She's already blame shifting and making excuses... run. Fast. Be glad it was only 2 dates.


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## one_strange_otter

EnjoliWoman said:


> Move on. She even admitted she's trouble. She didn't drop her phone in the woods - she was weighing whether or not she wanted to see you and maybe even trying to juggle you with a new male contact. She's already blame shifting and making excuses... run. Fast. Be glad it was only 2 dates.


It was her who said that she would be seeing other people and dating and not doing the exclusive thing with anyone so I don't think her seeing someone else or even talking to another guy would be an issue. But yeah, I just hate that I invested that much time talking to her and making plans and let myself be led on like that just to have her drop me because she mentally flipped a switch....


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## ThreeStrikes

Yes, on-line dating is frustrating. This has happened a couple of times with me...

I always just figured somebody else came along that she connected with more than me.

I don't take it personally... I just move on. Because I probably would do the same to her if a better dating prospect came along for me. You can only spread yourself so thin... lol

It's brutal out there in the dating world


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## one_strange_otter

And I just lost another prospect......to a motorcycle riding plumber.....lol

They're dropping like flies!!


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## Jellybeans

One_strange: do not text her back or contact her again.

You got away lucky this time. Something is going on with her and you are better off not being a part of it. Count your lucky stars.

Onto the next one!


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## one_strange_otter

Jellybeans said:


> One_strange: do not text her back or contact her again.
> 
> You got away lucky this time. Something is going on with her and you are better off not being a part of it. Count your lucky stars.
> 
> Onto the next one!


yeah, she even told me she was a nympho.....but not in the sense she would cheat or go get picked up at bars. Just that she wanted to have sex non stop for as long as the guy could as often as he could. but that she would withhold her own orgasm as long as possible because once she has it she doesn't want to be touched for like thirty minutes..... :scratchhead:

anyways.....time to freshen up the profile again and go once more into the fray.....


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## EnjoliWoman

Don't waste 2000 text messages. It builds up expectations. Email a few times, meet somewhere for one drink or coffee on your way to something (work, sporting event, dinner w/ friends) to feel out the chemistry. It's good to leave wanting more. Set up the next date if you feel it. Text a few times in between or an email or two but don't invest so much emotionally until you've had a few dates. 

This approach helps weed them out easier/faster with less emotional (and financial!) investment.


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## one_strange_otter

EnjoliWoman said:


> Don't waste 2000 text messages. It builds up expectations. Email a few times, meet somewhere for one drink or coffee on your way to something (work, sporting event, dinner w/ friends) to feel out the chemistry. It's good to leave wanting more. Set up the next date if you feel it. Text a few times in between or an email or two but don't invest so much emotionally until you've had a few dates.
> 
> This approach helps weed them out easier/faster with less emotional (and financial!) investment.


I would have done that too. In fact it's how most of my conversations had gone with other daters. But this one just pursued the chat like crazy telling me to text her any time she left her desk (we also chatted over the company instant messenger thing. big company and she's across town in an entirely different department). So it was chat all day on the IM thing, then she'd say she's leaving her desk for five minutes and to switch to the phone. She'd even apologize if she took more than 10 min to respond.....

so...point being....she was just as much involved with the suffocating as I was I suppose. I just want to make the point that it wasn't me hounding her. she was coming at me just as much if not more. definitely more than anyone else I've ever talked to.


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## one_strange_otter

I've never been very good with waiting to respond to messages to make it seem like I have a life. Light blinks, read message, respond.


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## Conrad

one_strange_otter said:


> I've never been very good with waiting to respond to messages to make it seem like I have a life. Light blinks, read message, respond.


You need to change that.


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## Holland

Run for the hills. 2000 messages in a week with someone that you only just met?
That's insanity at it's finest.


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## Jellybeans

one_strange_otter said:


> I've never been very good with waiting to respond to messages to make it seem like I have a life. Light blinks, read message, respond.


Personally, I don't see anything wrong with this. When someone contacts me, I write or call back. It's common courtesy. But generally that is with people I already know.

This:



Holland said:


> Run for the hills. 2000 messages in a week with someone that you only just met?
> That's insanity at it's finest.


is madness. 

Like others have said, she doesn't seem very stable if she is sending you that many messages in one week. 

Anytime someone is that overbearing or professing their undying love for you after just meeting them, RUN, Forrest, Ruuuuun!


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## one_strange_otter

again...there was no professing of undying love....we just texted back and forth about movies, music, we grew up in the same place so a lot about that. It literally felt like just catching up with an old friend. It's just I'd send her a message, she'd send one right back. like ping pong..... that whole time there was only one conversation about sex and it was that she wasn't going to do any sexting. then we moved on. she's just someone that loves to talk but my mistake I suppose was responding to everything as quickly as she responded to me.

through a friend i found out last weekend was very rough for her for some reason. fight with her dad or something i don't know. so maybe she just decided no more dating for a while until she figures stuff out personally. she hasn't been on POF since sunday morning when she said she was trying to get on to message me since she had lost her phone out in the woods.


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## Jellybeans

Satya said:


> Sounds like you got *love bombed.*


I love this phrase!


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## Deejo

I've alluded to it several times while posting here and dating.

Have rules ... for yourself. And importantly, follow them.

Remember, dating is about you and what you want and are looking for. Not trying to be what someone else wants and is looking for.

I just called it the 'rule of 3'.

Three points of contact and then I ask for the date. No endless texts, emails, or phone calls.

Date 3 people at a time if possible. Again, if something doesn't work out, it's not as if you are hanging your hat on one person.

You don't owe someone you are casually dating, a blessed thing other than whatever courtesy you choose to extend. Remember the same holds true on their end.

I always presumed that someone I was dating was also dating other people. 

If a potential date can't actually 'set' a date, stop contacting them, and don't respond.Or keep it simple. "Moving on, wish you the best."

This woman? Definitely bad news. And yes, she undoubtedly decided to focus her attention elsewhere, and as a result, did you a huge favor.


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## one_strange_otter

rule of 3 would be great......in a bigger town....where there are three girls at any given time worth my attention....

fighting for scraps right now with the ones that show up daily online....just have to keep on top of it and try to get to the new ones asap.....


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## norajane

one_strange_otter said:


> Her only response was that she was hungover and this was probably the only time she'd be able to just tell me what she felt. And then she said she's an a$$hole...a nice a$$hole.


She needs to be hungover in order to tell you the truth.
The truth is she's an a$$hole.

When someone tells you who they are, listen. She knows herself better than you do.


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## one_strange_otter

Yeah, she responded to my last text I sent yesterday about her taking this bottle of wine I had bought for our date because I'll never drink it. 

"Maybe Later. I'm just going to disappear for a while."

? meh.....moving on.


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## lenzi

Learn to play hard to get. 

Don't just "follow her lead", be your own person, be strong, be a man, set the pace.

Sending ton of messages is a waste of time and can easily cause burnout.

She probably found someone she liked better. Someone she had to work a bit harder to obtain. 

Don't be so easy.


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## Shaggy

I think she has another guy she was chasing, and she caught him and do blew you off.

Btw, never waste time on women go tell you they are nymphos. They aren't. It's like when people say "trust me", you know you shouldn't.


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## whitehawk

one_strange_otter said:


> Met her on POF.....hit it off extremely well. Probably 2000 text messages over the first week if not more. She's pursuing me on text. "leaving the office, txt me" "going upstairs away from my desk, txt me" "How's it going?" "what's up?" etc.
> 
> She was trying to get a sitter so we could go out. Didn't work out. then her contact went dead. I sent a few messages, maybe 6 or so. mostly joking about how I was going on our date by myself and that she's a horrible bowler and the goodnight kiss needed work. just being my silly self.
> 
> the next evening she finally texts back and said she had dropped her phone while walking out in the woods behind her house and just found it. Then hits me with a "i just want to be friends" and drops an "I think you're too suffocating. I just can't handle everything else in my life and worry about you freaking out too." ?? :scratchhead:
> 
> I sent one text back saying how I was just following her lead and that she was initiating the majority of the texts so how is that suffocating if I'm just responding to her? Her only response was that she was hungover and this was probably the only time she'd be able to just tell me what she felt. And then she said she's an a$$hole...a nice a$$hole.
> 
> I'm still scratching my head. I left it alone after that and this morning sent a good morning text. no answer.
> 
> WTF?



Just another fkd in the head chick. I'm not even dating and l've already met about 10 of em.
She's had issues mate and your job will be to nurse her through them all with more of the same - l'd skip it.


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## EnjoliWoman

I don't think anyone has to play games so much as be into your own here-and-now life. I didn't get updates on my phone and couldn't log in from work (blocked) so I could only reply in the evenings. I think that paced things out a bit. I guess if I kept getting phone updates I'd more inclined the check during the day.


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## Dedicated2Her

There is some big time truth coming out in the replies:

From personal experience, I can tell you that slow response is a really good thing. My current relationship, which has been far and away the best, began with one or two texts every couple of days. We met once a week for about a month and things started to take off. Even then, we would only text a couple times a day. I was using Deejo's rule of 3 at the time, therefore, I was able to weed through it as I was casually dating two others. 

Oh, and one more thing, 3rd time you guys meet and she comes to your place??????? C'mon man. Be a little more mysterious than that. Also, protect yourself. She is crazy.


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## Jellybeans

Dedicated2Her said:


> Also, protect yourself. She is crazy.


:rofl: Yes!


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## Unique Username

I personally chat first on an instant messaging platform. Easy for me to further weed through the weeds. When and if an interest is sparked. I'm happy to meet rather quickly. Preferably daytime lunch no drinks. Light of day no alcohol meet and greet. 

I think I might be unusual, as I really dislike talking on the phone. I have telecommuted for the past 10 years and talking on the phone is not a pleasure for me. Guys don't seem to understand this. I'm happy to talk their ear off, and listen my ear off ...in person.
Don't care for giving my number out to text, although I can text online via my instant messenger to their phone 

I don't share my facebook information or friend any potential date.

Never meet at their house or yours, public safe place. Sadly, there is a great portion of both men and women online dating who are Bat **** Crazy. The really scary ones can hide it a bit longer than the others.....

lol

Dating as an adult is certainly different from when one is in High School or in College. Frankly though, most people mentally haven't left high school 


(different, of course if your goal is to get laid)


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## MSC71

*Re: Re: And another thing I hate about dating....*



Unique Username said:


> I personally chat first on an instant messaging platform. Easy for me to further weed through the weeds. When and if an interest is sparked. I'm happy to meet rather quickly. Preferably daytime lunch no drinks. Light of day no alcohol meet and greet.
> 
> I think I might be unusual, as I really dislike talking on the phone. I have telecommuted for the past 10 years and talking on the phone is not a pleasure for me. Guys don't seem to understand this. I'm happy to talk their ear off, and listen my ear off ...in person.
> Don't care for giving my number out to text, although I can text online via my instant messenger to their phone
> 
> I don't share my facebook information or friend any potential date.
> 
> Never meet at their house or yours, public safe place. Sadly, there is a great portion of both men and women online dating who are Bat **** Crazy. The really scary ones can hide it a bit longer than the others.....
> 
> lol
> 
> Dating as an adult is certainly different from when one is in High School or in College. Frankly though, most people mentally haven't left high school
> 
> 
> (different, of course if your goal is to get laid)


Very smart in your behalf with the rules you go by. I think meeting right away during the day is best too. Something quick. I found most people don't look like their pictures ( at least women ). I have heard guys lie about their height and how much hair they have. Lol.


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## angelpixie

MSC71 said:


> Very smart in your behalf with the rules you go by. I think meeting right away during the day is best too. Something quick. I found most people don't look like their pictures ( at least women ). I have heard guys lie about their height and how much hair they have. Lol.



And in multiple cases I've seen, post only a single pic that's over a decade old!  If they are a little insecure about their looks up against basically a 'catalog' of other guys, I could give them a bit of a break if they could then make up for that with a sparkling wit, intelligence and charm. But.....they don't. :rofl: I wonder just how they think lying is going to help in that case. :scratchhead:


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## Unique Username

People lie about lots of things lol They get this idea that they should portray themselves as they WISH they were not who they are.

Height, weight, hair or not, kind of job they have, what vehicles they own etc. ...

I so wish people could be honest. 
I mean who expects or wants perfect?!
Age appropriate dating also helps, lotsa guys are looking for 10-15 years younger and seriously what do you have in common with that beyond ego boosting sex?


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## Bafuna

I'm looking for 10 years older, and hoping to get a bit more maturity


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## Hoosier

Lol. I remember the first woman I met after my D. We spent quie a bit of time texting, chatting on the phone. When we finally met she looked nothing like her photos! Nice enough, but not at all what I was looking for. We had a nice date, dinner, conversation, (first date I had in 30 years, not smart enough to just meet/greet and say goodby). At the end of the evening I used the excuse that maybe I wasn't ready to date. She said "this is always happening to me! One date that's it! Just saw she replayed her profile, with three new photos, none that really look like her.geez.


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## minimalME

I've been using dating sites on and off for almost 3 years now, and as an extreme introvert, it's been my primary way of meeting men.

As a general rule, I prefer that men speak first by initiating contact. I took a chance and did it once, and all it did was prove to me that if men are interested, they'll write.

I put dates on all my photos and have recent shots, but attraction is still subjective. I've had men tell me that in person I'm more attractive than my pictures, but I've also had men seem disappointed.

It is frustrating to meet people who're very different than how they present themselves. I've had men be shorter, heavier and one who looked nothing like his photo.

Although I agree that going slow is important, for me that's usually once we've met and it's been established that there's mutual attraction, and we'd both like to see each other again. 

After doing this for a while, the drip-drip-drip of communication with no request or plan to meet is just a waste of my time. 

And people _will_ waste your time. 

I like Deejo's 'rule of 3', and that's more or less what I go by. I'm willing to email a little, chat a little, but I get to a point to where I say, 'No more. If you decide you want to meet, let me know.' And, to be honest, if it has to get to that point, they probably aren't that interested.

And texting! Good grief.  I asked one guy why the majority of men go to texting so quickly, and he said it was more convenient. Really? For who? Trying to have conversations through texting is just bizarre, and I keep it check by telling men that I have a limited texting plan that's mainly reserved for my children - or trying to find each other prior to a date. 

Lastly, I don't chase men, and I don't try to convince them of why they should want to see me. It has to be totally on them, free from coercion or manipulation. 

I like being the feminine, responsive, passive person, and it's a turn on to be pursed. A man who can't/won't move things forward at a reasonable pace wouldn't be compatible with me.


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## one_strange_otter

Met another winner online. Did not meet this one in person. Only messaged on POF for about 10 messages back and forth.

26, very pretty, pics were boobs and up only. Status was "not single/not looking", profession said nurse. The status always piques my interest. After a few messages the truth is revealed. not single/not looking means her and her live in boyfriend are on the rocks and it isn't going to work out. She's not a nurse but she's thinking of nursing school in the fall. And the pics are boobs up only because she's 8 months pregnant!

Winner winner chicken dinner.......

Sad thing is that's not the only pregnant chick I've seen but the only one so far still with the dad and blatantly looking for someone to be her new baby daddy.....


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## minimalME

Satya said:


> Good post


Thank you!

You're on the east coast too? Come visit!


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## Awakening2012

minimalME said:


> I've been using dating sites on and off for almost 3 years now, and as an extreme introvert, it's been my primary way of meeting men.
> 
> As a general rule, I prefer that men speak first by initiating contact. I took a chance and did it once, and all it did was prove to me that if men are interested, they'll write.
> 
> I put dates on all my photos and have recent shots, but attraction is still subjective. I've had men tell me that in person I'm more attractive than my pictures, but I've also had men seem disappointed.
> 
> It is frustrating to meet people who're very different than how they present themselves. I've had men be shorter, heavier and one who looked nothing like his photo.
> 
> Although I agree that going slow is important, for me that's usually once we've met and it's been established that there's mutual attraction, and we'd both like to see each other again.
> 
> After doing this for a while, the drip-drip-drip of communication with no request or plan to meet is just a waste of my time.
> 
> And people _will_ waste your time.
> 
> I like Deejo's 'rule of 3', and that's more or less what I go by. I'm willing to email a little, chat a little, but I get to a point to where I say, 'No more. If you decide you want to meet, let me know.' And, to be honest, if it has to get to that point, they probably aren't that interested.
> 
> And texting! Good grief.  I asked one guy why the majority of men go to texting so quickly, and he said it was more convenient. Really? For who? Trying to have conversations through texting is just bizarre, and I keep it check by telling men that I have a limited texting plan that's mainly reserved for my children - or trying to find each other prior to a date.
> 
> Lastly, I don't chase men, and I don't try to convince them of why they should want to see me. It has to be totally on them, free from coercion or manipulation.
> 
> I like being the feminine, responsive, passive person, and it's a turn on to be pursed. A man who can't/won't move things forward at a reasonable pace wouldn't be compatible with me.


Hi MM - 

Great post -- I feel the same way and agree 100%. I also want to applaud you for sticking with it. I think the biggest mistake most people make with the online dating sites is giving up too quickly and failing to just shrug off the BS aspects of it. I say, get over it, we all know those are the pitfalls -- just let it slide off you, but maintain healthy boundaries. Yes, there are toads (male and female) who mis-represent themselves or waste your time with too much communication before asking you for a date. Sounds like you've got the perfect formual for that. And as for those that misrepresent or just don't click -- well, they are practice for when the righ tone comes along. Pass the butter -- LOL!  

Everyone has their dating stories from hell -- you have to laugh at them  My fave was (before I met my now XH - online, I might add) I was doing the on-line dating thing, and a guy I was supposed to be meeting with was 15 miutes late. I recognize him when he comes in the door, but instead of coming straight over to me he chats up some people he knows at the bar -- this goes on for a good five minutes and he's not even looking around for me? He finally comes over to the table and says "Oh, hi there!" - sticking out his arm to shake hands. I give him the deadpan look and say "um, no thank you," and get up and leave. 

I don't think it even occured to him that he was being rude let alone that rudeness is a turn off -- LOL! You teach people how to treat you by what you will and won't accept, right? 

Cheers, - A12


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## minimalME

Awakening2012 said:


> Everyone has their dating stories from hell -- you have to laugh at them  My fave was (before I met my now XH - online, I might add) I was doing the on-line dating thing, and a guy I was supposed to be meeting with was 15 miutes late. I recognize him when he comes in the door, but instead of coming straight over to me he chats up some people he knows at the bar -- this goes on for a good five minutes and he's not even looking around for me? He finally comes over to the table and says "Oh, hi there!" - sticking out his arm to shake hands. I give him the deadpan look and say "um, no thank you," and get up and leave.
> 
> I don't think it even occured to him that he was being rude let alone that rudeness is a turn off -- LOL! You teach people how to treat you by what you will and won't accept, right?
> 
> Cheers, - A12


Good for you!

I've just gotten to the point where I'm willing to speak up about this type of behavior.

Last night, and just now, I told two different local guys that I was going to pass on dates (that they said they wanted, asked for, but then no action) because of their indifference. A couple of years ago, I would have waited and waited.

It's freeing just to say 'no'.


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## BW1

one_strange_otter said:


> Met her on POF.....hit it off extremely well. Probably 2000 text messages over the first week if not more. She's pursuing me on text. "leaving the office, txt me" "going upstairs away from my desk, txt me" "How's it going?" "what's up?" etc.
> 
> She was trying to get a sitter so we could go out. Didn't work out. then her contact went dead. I sent a few messages, maybe 6 or so. mostly joking about how I was going on our date by myself and that she's a horrible bowler and the goodnight kiss needed work. just being my silly self.
> 
> the next evening she finally texts back and said she had dropped her phone while walking out in the woods behind her house and just found it. Then hits me with a "i just want to be friends" and drops an "I think you're too suffocating. I just can't handle everything else in my life and worry about you freaking out too." ?? :scratchhead:
> 
> I sent one text back saying how I was just following her lead and that she was initiating the majority of the texts so how is that suffocating if I'm just responding to her? Her only response was that she was hungover and this was probably the only time she'd be able to just tell me what she felt. And then she said she's an a$$hole...a nice a$$hole.
> 
> I'm still scratching my head. I left it alone after that and this morning sent a good morning text. no answer.
> 
> WTF?


I wouldn't walk away from this one.....I would run away as fast as possible.

I just turned 51. Been divorced for almost 4 years, and have realized that I have no desire to date anymore. Way too much B.S involved, and I don't have the patience for nonsense.

Good luck!


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## Jellybeans

one_strange_otter said:


> Met another winner online. Did not meet this one in person. Only messaged on POF for about 10 messages back and forth.
> 
> 26, very pretty, pics were boobs and up only. Status was "not single/not looking", profession said nurse. The status always piques my interest. After a few messages the truth is revealed. not single/not looking means her and her live in boyfriend are on the rocks and it isn't going to work out. She's not a nurse but she's thinking of nursing school in the fall. And the pics are boobs up only because she's 8 months pregnant!
> 
> Winner winner chicken dinner.......
> 
> Sad thing is that's not the only pregnant chick I've seen but the only one so far still with the dad and blatantly looking for someone to be her new baby daddy.....


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Omg you should make this a side project. See how many loonies you can meet online and write a book or make up a Youtube... _How to weed out the crazies on dating sites in 7 days or less._

Love it!

By the way, when we were married, my ex husband used POF to scope ladies. He had a "Looking for intimate encounters" thing on his dating profile. Used pics I myself had taken of him. I discovered it as I was getting ready for our Valentine's Day dinner. So yeah...


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## fourwheeler431

WOW! He must have been a real piece of work JB


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## Jellybeans

He was. I am sure he'd say the same about me. Muahahaha.  

You should have seen the look on his face when I printed it out and showed it to him.


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## one_strange_otter

I don't need 7 days....7 messages will do fine....lol

There was another one recently that was up front about being 7 months pregnant and living with her parents "because my douche bag ex kicked me out and says it ain't his"......and her profile even said "not looking for any drama".

:scratchhead:



Jellybeans said:


> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
> 
> Omg you should make this a side project. See how many loonies you can meet online and write a book or make up a Youtube... _How to weed out the crazies on dating sites in 7 days or less._
> 
> Love it!
> 
> By the way, when we were married, my ex husband used POF to scope ladies. He had a "Looking for intimate encounters" thing on his dating profile. Used pics I myself had taken of him. I discovered it as I was getting ready for our Valentine's Day dinner. So yeah...


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## angelpixie

one_strange_otter said:


> I don't need 7 days....7 messages will do fine....lol
> 
> There was another one recently that was up front about being 7 months pregnant and living with her parents "because my douche bag ex kicked me out and says it ain't his"......and her profile even said "not looking for any drama".
> 
> :scratchhead:


Cuz she's got PLENTY of her own!! :rofl:


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## angelpixie

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
> 
> Omg you should make this a side project. See how many loonies you can meet online and write a book or make up a Youtube... _How to weed out the crazies on dating sites in 7 days or less._
> 
> Love it!
> 
> By the way, when we were married, my ex husband used POF to scope ladies. He had a "Looking for intimate encounters" thing on his dating profile. Used pics I myself had taken of him. I discovered it as I was getting ready for our Valentine's Day dinner. So yeah...


Ohhh, JB. That's awful. What an a*hole.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

The ones that say "Not looking for drama" are typically the ones that bring it.

Otherwise, why even mention it?


----------



## angelpixie

OMG -- that is one of the best yet, Satya. SMH. (that must have been embarrassing as heck when it was happening, though. Ugh)


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Many folks are single for a reason....


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Apparently, it's a lack of hair ties


----------



## one_strange_otter

Ok, i'll tell one more story on myself. Was talking to a girl about an hour away. She couldn't drive because she'd just had a seizure and was on 6 month restriction. No job because she couldn't drive because of said seizure... I had no other options at the time and decided I'd take her out to dinner. On the way to pick her up I get a call that her sitter cancelled and her 4 and 6 year old boys would have to go to dinner with us. Fine. I was already almost there and I didn't have other plans anyways. I get there and she lives in the projects. Walk up to her door and she opens it but says "just a second" and leaves the screen door closed and proceeds to continue a conversation with her neighbor for a few minutes. We go to dinner. I didn't know the area so it was ladies choice which turned out to be the most expensive place she could find. It was right on the lake and the patio was over the water. Ordering dinner and she says "I'm going to order an appetizer to take home to my friend. she'll be mad if I don't bring her something" :/ pretty much doesn't engage me in conversation. has me take pics of her and her boys with the sunset in the back ground. on the way home one of the kids starts calling me dad. get back to her place and there's cops breaking up a fight. against my better judgement I go in her house and it's filthy. her boys keep popping out of their room. she's complaining about headaches, allergies, etc. we watch some stupid movie that was her favorite ever (she's also a fan of Hanson still). I leave after without so much as a good night kiss. Chalked the whole thing up to experience. She also wanted me to sign up for some energy drink pyramid scheme thing that "was gonna blow up like facebook" and she'd never have to get a real job again.... :/

Never again....never again....


----------



## angelpixie

OK, I have two questions here:

Even if you felt you should go through with getting her and her kids a nice dinner out of some kind of pity for her situation, why didn't you just end the date after dinner?

Why are you disappointed that you didn't get 'so much as a good night kiss'? I would have been afraid of one!


----------



## ThreeStrikes

angelpixie said:


> OK, I have two questions here:
> 
> Even if you felt you should go through with getting her and her kids a nice dinner out of some kind of pity for her situation, why didn't you just end the date after dinner?
> 
> Why are you disappointed that you didn't get 'so much as a good night kiss'? I would have been afraid of one!


She must have been kind of hawt...in that trashy, lives-in-the-projects, manner.


----------



## minimalME

ThreeStrikes said:


> She must have been kind of hawt...in that trashy, lives-in-the-projects, manner.


:rofl:


----------



## one_strange_otter

angelpixie said:


> OK, I have two questions here:
> 
> Even if you felt you should go through with getting her and her kids a nice dinner out of some kind of pity for her situation, why didn't you just end the date after dinner?
> 
> Why are you disappointed that you didn't get 'so much as a good night kiss'? I would have been afraid of one!


I was lonely and desparate. that's the nuts and bolts of it. 
I dont' really consider any of it a "date" and I told her that when she insisted on bringing the kids "because people just have to understand I'm a full time mommy".


----------



## angelpixie

I understand the loneliness part of it. What are you doing to fill your time/need for socializing besides dating?


----------



## one_strange_otter

angelpixie said:


> I understand the loneliness part of it. What are you doing to fill your time/need for socializing besides dating?


Nada. I work, do scouts during the school year, take care of the kids when it's my turn. Other than that I'm online chatting and trying to find someone to be my friend. Small town. Not even an event on meetup.com here.


----------



## Jellybeans

one_strange_otter said:


> There was another one recently that was up front about being 7 months pregnant and living with her parents "because my douche bag ex kicked me out and says it ain't his"......and her profile even said "not looking for any drama".
> 
> :scratchhead:


Well you have to appreciate her honesty. Instead of the ones who lie on their dating profiles. 



angelpixie said:


> Ohhh, JB. That's awful. What an a*hole.


Now I can laugh about it. Because it really was so ridiculous in hindsight.



ThreeStrikes said:


> The ones that say "Not looking for drama" are typically the ones that bring it.
> 
> Otherwise, why even mention it?


Definitely! Anyone who comes at you with NO DRAMA, all shaking their finger back and forth with hands on their hips are the ones to watch out for. Lol. 



Satya said:


> I figure the date is over and say calmly, "I didn't realize my hair had turned raven black." I'm ash blonde. I ask for my half of the bill and leave. Buttmunch.
> 
> NEXT!


What a guy! Thank goodness you found out quickly about him!



one_strange_otter said:


> . has me take pics of her and her boys with the sunset in the back ground. * on the way home one of the kids starts calling me dad. *


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

You really must write a book!


----------



## angelpixie

one_strange_otter said:


> Nada. I work, do scouts during the school year, take care of the kids when it's my turn. Other than that I'm online chatting and trying to find someone to be my friend. Small town. Not even an event on meetup.com here.


Small towns are really tough. I do have meet-up where I live, but all but 2 or 3 activities in the last _year_ have fallen when I've had my son with me. Are there any groups you can do volunteer work with, like an animal shelter or food pantry? If you can find a cause that you believe in, it's a great way to meet like-minded people, plus you're doing something that makes you feel good, too. Are there any community-ed classes you can take to learn something new?


----------



## one_strange_otter

angelpixie said:


> Small towns are really tough. I do have meet-up where I live, but all but 2 or 3 activities in the last _year_ have fallen when I've had my son with me. Are there any groups you can do volunteer work with, like an animal shelter or food pantry? If you can find a cause that you believe in, it's a great way to meet like-minded people, plus you're doing something that makes you feel good, too. Are there any community-ed classes you can take to learn something new?


Once the school year starts and we get the schedule worked out I might find free time to do something for myself. I can't volunteer at an animal shelter though. I'm too soft hearted and I end up tearing up everytime I go to one. lol I'd love to take a class on programming in java but that would be an actual college course and a little on the expensive side.... was thinking of getting rosetta stone and learning some spanish at home.


----------



## angelpixie

That's a great idea. That way, you're increasing your skills.
If you can find organizations in your area that need people, check them out. You can meet guy friends, too, and not just depend on dating/females for socializing. Keep looking and try some new things.


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## Holland

one_strange_otter said:


> I was lonely and desparate. that's the nuts and bolts of it.
> I dont' really consider any of it a "date" and I told her that when she insisted on bringing the kids "because people just have to understand I'm a full time mommy".


OK here is a little clue for next time....
anyone that brings their kids to a first date is a crazy nutjob and to be avoided. 
Personally I would have cancelled the date.

Something similar but not so trashy happened to my brother. This was a second or third date, she had invited him over to her place for dinner, he gets there to find her best friend and her 2 kids there as well.
He had dinner, left and the next day told her it wasn't going to work out but it was nice meeting her. 
She went all crazy and abusive.

People that force their kids on you so soon are to kept well away from.


----------



## minimalME

I had a similar experience recently, but instead of children, it was friends.

A man invited me to have dinner with him and two co-workers. I declined, wishing him a pleasant evening with his buddies, and said perhaps we could get together another time on more neutral ground - just the two of us.

So then he said, why don't you come an hour earlier, and it'll be just us. Then if I felt at ease, I could stay and meet his friends.

I reluctantly said yes, and arrived to find his roommate sitting next to him.

I was really proud of myself cause I maintained a good attitude throughout the evening - with four strangers, but afterwards I wasn't happy about it at all. This also wasn't a date, and his friends had already eaten. They were there to drink.

He chose a place where he was a regular - he knows all the servers, and he and his friends hang out there on a regular basis. He orchestrated a situation where he would be comfortable, and it ended up feeling inconsiderate and creepy.

But it was a learning experience. One that won't happen again.


----------



## lenzi

minimalME said:


> So then he said, why don't you come an hour earlier, and it'll be just us. Then if I felt at ease, I could stay and meet his friends.
> 
> I reluctantly said yes, and arrived to find his roommate sitting next to him.
> 
> I was really proud of myself cause I maintained a good attitude throughout the evening He orchestrated a situation where he would be comfortable, and it ended up feeling inconsiderate and creepy.
> 
> But it was a learning experience. One that won't happen again.


You knew you wouldn't see him again, he deceived you by saying it would just be the two of you at first, he set up a situation where he would be comfortable with no regard to your feelings.. yet you're proud of yourself for staying.

Why didn't you just leave?


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## minimalME

lenzi said:


> You knew you wouldn't see him again, he deceived you by saying it would just be the two of you at first, he set up a situation where he would be comfortable with no regard to your feelings.. yet you're proud of yourself for staying.
> 
> Why didn't you just leave?


I didn't leave because I don't always make flawless decisions in the moment. Sometimes experiences have to settle, and I need time to replay them and work through them in my mind. 

And, yes, I was proud of myself - I still am. I didn't react in an overly emotional way, and I made the best of the situation. I didn't allow his choices to dictate what was going on inside of me.

It was a public place with lots of people around. I wasn't in any danger.

And I also didn't leave because often when things like this happen, I don't know right away if the other person is being deceitful or just socially clueless. I'm socially slow, so I prefer giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt.

When we spoke later, I had had time to digest everything, and I was very clear with him about how the situation made me feel, and he apologized.

As I said, it was something I learned from.


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## whitehawk

Yeah the small town things really tough.
My x knows everyone here - including all the girls . 
There's one l've always liked and we've clicked . l've often thought hmm , if l was single l'd be right into her.
Strangest thing though , since all this has happened l have seen her a few times through kids stuff but she's been a bit weird.
l got a sneaking suspicion x said somem to her . She's always known we were , well something !
Do you think she would've , why else could T have changed around me all of a sudden ?
Or maybe she doesn't wanna step on toes, don't know ?

Anyway , small towns . We're surround by 5 small towns, 1 is the closet and is really the one you tend to use most and then one much bigger main 1/2 hr away .

But if l'm on a dating site , everyone in the 5 smaller towns is gonna see me , it's a shocker , x , everyone.
And although l have nothing much at all to do with anyone locally , they all know everyone or someone that does.
lf l hone in locally on the sites l eventually come across everyone l've ever met, or heard of, or seen their damn dog , it's scary !
We do get 4 million tourists a yr ha, maybe l should pick up one of those instead - hey maybe she's even rich too since she's trippin about os :smthumbup:


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## whitehawk

l'm not into facebook but l've been thin king of looking some people up so l joined.

You know is there some knacks and tricks to finding people on that damn site though.

lt's gotta have the crapiest search functions l've ever seen. 
You try to hone in on an area and it brings up no one . You get to that area some other way though through it and next time there they all are by the hundreds.
lf you wanna try different spelling with a name you can't just change one letter , gotta start again. That often flicks the whole thing back to square one.
And how do you get it to zoom in on a country or a state or and area?
lf l try say an area within a state it keeps only using the capital city of that state unless l can just choose say one town somewhere in that state and then try searching through that.
You don't seem to be able to choose say a whole district or zone say , so if they were living one minute out of that town in another area name , unless you can guess which one - your srcewed- l think !

Either l'm not using it right or it's gotta be the stupidest search l've ever seen.

Any tips , am I missing something ?

And , it keeps forcing a person l might know list onto me.
Everytime l logon there it is on my page, can't get rid of it.
And it somehow bring up this chick we knew interstate years ago , l'm not even using my real name yet somehow it's found her and puts her at the top of this damn list , every time l login. The Ironic thing to is l couldn't stand this girl , she was a friend of my x.
It's also been emailing me for 6mths with the same people l might know list , 3or 4 times a wk , and l've never heard of any of them . How do you stop the stupid damn thing and where the hell does it get this crazy list from anyway?


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## fourwheeler431

If you have a friends list,that is where it keeps coming up with the "people you may know" list,they are friends with someone on your list and it assumes that you may know these people as well.


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## Jellybeans

I'm not sure there is anything you can do about the "friend list suggestions" but you can block that chick and you will never see her suggested to your or posted about her again.


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## whitehawk

Oh right , if I could block her and get rid of that then I could block these other 5or6 it's been sending me for 6mths 3times a wk to then right ?

I don't have a friends list , haven't even set it up in any way at all , I just joined with a dodgy name so I could search and left the lot blank.
Would it be my email address . Maybe x used this one so it's hooking me up through hers.
l know she has a new email now but this could've been back when she first joined.
Hey maybe that's it ans he was in contact with this other chick so now l get her.

Fancy not being able to stop the rest of that stupid damn friends list suggestion thing on your page, irritates the hell out of me . Tell you whom ever's been redesigning that site needs a bullet . Ahwell


----------



## Jellybeans

You can block anyone on Facebook. But I don't think there is anyone you can do about the Friend suggestions. It's part of the website. You could always just not use Facebook at all. Or just block everyone you don't want to see you and make your page private.


----------



## hope4family

Holland said:


> People that force their kids on you so soon are to kept well away from.


I read this story and I think OMG. 

I have started to let my son experience my friends more. Took my son to a dance *after I asked them what they thought about it* I had several female friends offer to watch my son so I could dance. 

Not yet. For him, them, and me. I just put him on my shoulders and did it. I don't think that's wrong. But then I read these stories and I think man, i'm not a nut job!


----------



## doureallycare2

Hi Guys, Interesting stuff on here. I’m glad to see there are some people on here I also know and trust they give wise council .

I have been talking with a guy for about a month who seemed very egger to meet me at first, I’m leary as you can imagine if you know my story but I’m still (slightly) willing to dip my toes in the water. I absolutely loved this guy’s emails to me. Full of humor and wit (he sucked me it with it), I picked him on purpose I think because of his "safe" distance away from me for my first "getting to really know another man experience" (maybe that was a mistake I’m not sure) but I travel through his area often. I just wasn’t sure I was ready for anything more than casual dating and felt a long distance relationship would be best. I have been asked out by guys at work and some acquaintances but for the most part I usually say no). 

Anyways, we seemed to have amazing chemistry through emails, he wanted to talk by the second week and I wasn’t as charmed over the phone , so when I was traveling through his town that next weekend I asked if he could meet me for a coffee, “no” he said- “his daughter was admitted in the hospital”. “Not a good weekend”- he also never texed or emailed that weekend. 

He called me that Monday night and apologized profusely and gave me the jest of a lot of baggage with his 24 year old daughter and her drug addiction and how do you meet a "nice woman" when you’re dealing with all that and try to talk her into giving you a chance? 

We talked for two hours he said he was totally expecting a click on the other end when he dropped his baggage in my lap. The fact is that part of me did want to click, but felt guilty, I mean I have been a care giver in a needy relationship for 35 years I don’t need another one. I’m just looking for carefree and fun right now, Someone to flirt with and go to dinner occasionally with and have a spark of attraction with. I told him all that, I told him that I don’t want to hurt him or be the cause of more drama in his life or his being more drama in my life. I told him that because I’m “not” looking for a “relationship” right now I’m trying to be as upfront and honest as possible and that’s what I’m looking for in a guy. (It seems like that’s what he’s giving me.. but I’m doubting it…..)

To make a long story short he has called me every other night all this last week, then nothing again this Saturday and Sunday, and that bothered me. It also bothers me that all this time has been invested in “getting to know each other and all I saw was that one distant photo that he says- “no, I don’t have a beard anymore but my hair is still black”. How old is it? I posted 3 current photos so he has a good idea what I look like but not my shape or anything because I refuse to give that as “incentive” to get to know me. lol

He did mention coming to meet me at the end of August but I’m not sure I want to wait that long, I have told him repeatedly that I’m not going to play games. I’m only looking for companionship right now.

I haven’t dated since I was 17 and I have no Idea what the hell I’m doing...Am I getting mixed messages or is it just me? Am I sending mixed messages? I keep it pretty casual but he’s calling me things like babe.


----------



## angelpixie

Yeah, there are def red flags here, dyrc2. No contact on weekends (and it's happened more than once, right?) is a classic sign of a married/attached person. Also, he is basically controlling your contact with each other -- the days you are in contact, the single nondescript photo you've seen, he will come to meet you, etc. Maybe I'm too gunshy and suspicious, but how you feel and what you need should be given equal weight. Even if he couldn't talk to you the whole weekend due to something other than another relationship , there's no reason he couldn't take the time for a single text or email all that time, even if it's to say -- "Hey, really busy this weekend, but I'll talk to you Monday." 

Don't settle, dyrc2. Even though you're not looking for a major relationship right now, and even though the email may be fun, the banter, chemistry, etc., is charming, there are some major things that are making your antenna go up. AND THAT'S OK Listen to that gut feeling. Speak up for what you want, and if you don't feel you're getting it, wait for the next person. 

It is not worth it to invest time (and yes, emotion, cuz that ends up happening to at least a small extent, right?) in a relationship where you start out not feeling like you are getting enough out of it. Most people are on their very best behavior when things are getting off the ground. But if someone starts out being controlling and not making you feel right about things in your gut, listen to that feeling and hold out for something better. It's out there, and it will be worth the wait.


----------



## Jellybeans

doureallycare2 said:


> I told him that because I’m “not” looking for a “relationship” right now I’m trying to be as upfront and honest as possible and that’s what I’m looking for in a guy. (It seems like that’s what he’s giving me.. but I’m doubting it…..)
> 
> To make a long story short he has called me every other night all this last week, then nothing again this Saturday and Sunday, and that bothered me. It also bothers me that all this time has been invested in “getting to know each other and all I saw was that one distant photo that he says- “no, I don’t have a beard anymore but my hair is still black”. How old is it? I posted 3 current photos so he has a good idea what I look like but not my shape or anything because I refuse to give that as “incentive” to get to know me. lol
> 
> He did mention coming to meet me at the end of August but I’m not sure I want to wait that long, I have told him repeatedly that I’m not going to play games.


I say pass. You're only a month in and it's too weird already with this guy.

You told him what was what and he seems to want to push you into a corner about what he wants.

Like you said, you don't want games and you are being up front with him.

7 billion people on the planet. Don't waste your time if you're already getting a weird vibe.


----------



## doureallycare2

angelpixie said:


> Yeah, there are def red flags here, dyrc2. No contact on weekends (and it's happened more than once, right?) is a classic sign of a married/attached person. Also, he is basically controlling your contact with each other -- the days you are in contact, the single nondescript photo you've seen, he will come to meet you, etc. Maybe I'm too gunshy and suspicious, but how you feel and what you need should be given equal weight. Even if he couldn't talk to you the whole weekend due to something other than another relationship , there's no reason he couldn't take the time for a single text or email all that time, even if it's to say -- "Hey, really busy this weekend, but I'll talk to you Monday."
> 
> Don't settle, dyrc2. Even though you're not looking for a major relationship right now, and even though the email may be fun, the banter, chemistry, etc., is charming, there are some major things that are making your antenna go up. AND THAT'S OK Listen to that gut feeling. Speak up for what you want, and if you don't feel you're getting it, wait for the next person.
> 
> It is not worth it to invest time (and yes, emotion, cuz that ends up happening to at least a small extent, right?) in a relationship where you start out not feeling like you are getting enough out of it. Most people are on their very best behavior when things are getting off the ground. But if someone starts out being controlling and not making you feel right about things in your gut, listen to that feeling and hold out for something better. It's out there, and it will be worth the wait.


Thanks Angel, I really kind of thought that but he also seems so honest that I just wasn’t sure. I’m such a "babe-in-the-woods" right now and was worried I was either going to "kill" it will out probable cause or stay with it and be a stupid-smutz...

Very glad for your input as it clarifies why I had some of my doubts! As always it’s a pleasure to hear from you, hope everything is going well!


----------



## angelpixie

Better every day, thanks! And partly because of first-hand experience with what I posted above.


----------



## CEL

Your need to feel secure and okay should be something he takes VERY seriously. You have been hurt and he should respect that he should look at anything he can do to lessen that as a top priority. If he is not then I would say cut ties. He might come around in the future but at this moment he does NOT get you. Better things are out there much better men who will GET you.

And there is no mostly honest it is like kinda pregnant or sorta dead. He either is or is not sounds like a not to me tho.


----------



## doureallycare2

CEL, 
Funny you should say that. He called last night and at first it was a casual conversation of no consequence. Then somehow he turned it and asked me a question that asked, I can’t even remember what, just more personal info: about likes and dislikes and I let him have it. Put everything I was thinking and feeling out on the table. He was such a gentleman. Said almost the same thing about my being hurt deeply and that I should never just settle for the first guy to come along. That I should expect and ask for the best because I deserve it and so does he. He thanked me for my honesty and said that he would be willing to be on my sideline right now while I continue to heal and will take my lead. He said he was moving slow with me because he knew I needed that and he was just getting to know me to see if we were a "fit"...any ways two hours latter.. I don’t know.. he said we can meet anytime I want to put aside any concerns I have about his being in another relationship.

At this point I’m just going to let things go slow. I feel I gave him full disclosure on my end and will not take responsibility now if he gets hurt (he said that also). He's a big boy and knows what hes getting into.


----------



## angelpixie

Good for you, girl! I'm proud of you -- that's what you have to do. And don't stop. If things do progress, it will be very easy for you to not want to risk messing it up and subsequently fall into holding things inside again. 

If you can manage to stay this strong and aware, you will do great. :smthumbup:


----------



## lenzi

He's full of BS.

You've seen one old picture and he's dodging the first meetup because he's a lot older than he says he is. He might be hiding something else as well, his weekends seem to be rather full.

You're wasting your time with this guy.

If you can't give him up then insist on a webcam chat at the very least, better yet would be push for a first meetup.

Even if you don't have a webcam, ask him to video chat anyway, if he says yes then you can always say 'great, I gotta get a webcam'.

But I'll bet he'll have a good excuse why he can't webcam with you.

For what it's worth, webcams are under $5 on Ebay, they're USB plug and play compatible, all you gotta do is plug it in and register for a free Skype account and you're good to go.

I don't understand why more online daters don't use these things, ESPECIALLY in a situation like this.


----------



## CEL

Skype is wonderful and yes that should be the next step. Set it up now when he calls insist on Skype it is the next step you go email then phone the next is Skype and then face to face. So do the Skype if he gets iffy on it well then you have a choice to make either you can wait or it is a deal breaker.

It is worth it when you wait for the right guy and do not compromise. Just insist on being honesty in all facets of the relationship from the get go that is a foundation you can build on. There will come a guy that really cares about you enough to do what it takes to make it easy for you. One who will wait. Will do what you need to feel safe. And understands what you have been trough that because of it you need to be handled gently. I don't know if this is that guy but if he is not then you could miss the right guy by taking mister right now.


----------



## lenzi

CEL said:


> Set it up now when he calls insist on Skype it is the next step you go email then phone the next is Skype and then face to face.


Wait, is skype the next step or is email or phone the next step?


----------



## Deejo

My input?

I understand being cautious and I encourage it.

Set a date. Make it coffee. Be specific about where and when. Make it brief. He IS talking with or seeing other women. Presume that by default when dating. Married? Maybe.

But my advice is to have a goal of meeting someone quickly and ruling them in or out based on physically seeing them and interacting.

If he declines your suggested date and place without offering an alternate, stop interacting with him ... period.

Based on my experience a few years ago I set up guidelines for myself, that I followed. I learned early on that setting a precedent of establishing a relationship built on emails or phone calls doesn't generally go well.

And at the risk of sounding harsh, (I don't mean to be) you are either ready to date or you aren't. Only way you find out for sure is by actually going on dates and interacting.

Be safe. Have fun.


----------



## Holland

I had a rule of chatting no more than a few days then a meet up for coffee within a week, 10 days tops.

It is not prudent to build an imaginary relationship online/email/txt. Meet in person and go from there. Chatting a couple of times first always worked well as I could filter out the ones that were of no interest to me very quickly. If they could not engage in an online chat then they were struck off.

But any more than a week or so of chat and no meeting would be a red flag for me. Most men are eager to meet sooner rather than later, if he won't meet up then there is a reason and it won't be a good one.


----------



## doureallycare2

Sorry haven’t been on in a while. 
Ok, so had a meet-up... Went great....very cute (better looking than my x-younger too) we are going to go out on a longer date next weekend and then an all-day date labor day (if all goes well). I had to have a talk with him last week that I felt he was at a different place than me and was looking for a permanent relationship. He said he was just trying to get to know me. But things he said seemed to lead me to think he was ready to me someone to settle down with.
A week later and I still feel he is at a totally different place then me and have talked with him about it... I feel that he is pressuring me now with telling me he has feelings. He’s "love-struck" he says. That he felt "fire-works" yet he doesn’t ask me to reciprocate and when I told him I still feel pressured, he apologized and backed off. I mean who has “feelings” after only meeting once…..? Yes many hours of conversations but still………

Today I get a video attachment he sent me and its Keith Urban singing "Someone like You"... yeh right no pressure..... I think he's a romantic and I’m a (burnt) practical. How can the two mix well?....


----------



## Holland

I would be extremely wary of a man that professes feelings after ONE meet up. OMG that is insane. 

Do you have money, your own house or any other assets you have told him about? 

Look even if he isn't after money I would take this very slowly, only a crazy would profess such great feelings so soon. A stable, rational person would take it day by day and see how things progressed.


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## doureallycare2

I know...I totally agree!.. We had another date last night and I told him it was just way to early for me to be dating yet and seeing someone. I’m glad I tried it but also relieved to have it done...


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## Unique Username

He really sounds like a "player" to me.....

Listening to what you need and want and then making sure he appears to be just what you need......Knew "just" what to say when your response was less than favorable to whatever

No point in ME listing the different things......

Use this whole scenario you had with him think about it really hard and write down all the things he did that were weird to you...for future reference

I really feel he was saying and doing all the things a player does to get you sucked in so he could get you to have sex with him.

Since you don't feel really ready to be ina relationship,
Why don't you try having your status as looking for "friends" Dating, but nothing serious"
Only go out with dudes in your local area...its comfortable for you and you can get back in the going out JUST FOR FUN kinda thing....this also helps a TINY bit with dudes understanding you aren't currently looking for a relationship NOR a booty calll

Dating is a NEW thing than it used to be...all the advice given about text..talk...video chat/meet for a beverage in a neutral place during the day or early evening.......then when he isn't what he says he is (cause, sadly, the good percentage are NOT what they claim to be) you can finish your drink and be on your way..................or at the off chance he is cool for friend or more you have already alotted more time for lunch/supper...but make it short and sweet
Next date..something harmless and active like bowling or putt putt golf whatever floats yer boat

 good luck...I have more to write but I'm working and I have to get back to actually werking lol


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## doureallycare2

Im still questioning if he was a player or just very needy. Eather way, not the type of person I need to be with right now. He called last night and I did not answere the phone.


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## Deejo

From what you described, way too needy nice guy. Classic example of a guy thinking he's doing all the right things and he's dead wrong.

Definitely NOT a player. Players dont chase women. They try to get women to chase them.

Either way, cutting this guy loose, is exactly the right thing to do. If he asks why, (another sign that he is overly needy) you'd be doing him a favor by telling him, but you certainly arent obligated to.


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## doureallycare2

Deejo said:


> From what you described, way too needy nice guy. Classic example of a guy thinking he's doing all the right things and he's dead wrong.
> 
> Definitely NOT a player. Players dont chase women. They try to get women to chase them.
> 
> Either way, cutting this guy loose, is exactly the right thing to do. If he asks why, (another sign that he is overly needy) you'd be doing him a favor by telling him, but you certainly arent obligated to.


I really think your right Deejo; He took such special care to get "everything" right with our dates. an example: he asked me my favorite drinks. When I got to the park he had a selection of my favorite soda, beer, wine, water, ice tea, 4 different snack foods, gum. And a present for me. He would only eat what I ate at the restaurant and ate probably a breath mint every 2 min. He touched my leg, my arm about every 5 min. stared at me constantly. Told me how beautiful I was about a hundred times. When we kissed he examined my tonsils. Then gave my ear a nice cleaning... ugh.... as soon as I said enough he stopped on a dime. But still... so nice but way to egger.... I got a text every morning about how nice it was to have a beautiful woman on his mind or other flowery comlaments... That was nice but it made me wonder if I had a stalker....I havnt heard anything today so Im hoping Im done.


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## Deejo

doureallycare2 said:


> I really think your right Deejo; He took such special care to get "everything" right with our dates. an example: he asked me my favorite drinks. When I got to the park he had a selection of my favorite soda, beer, wine, water, ice tea, 4 different snack foods, gum. And a present for me. He would only eat what I ate at the restaurant and ate probably a breath mint every 2 min. He touched my leg, my arm about every 5 min. stared at me constantly. Told me how beautiful I was about a hundred times. When we kissed he examined my tonsils. Then gave my ear a nice cleaning... ugh.... as soon as I said enough he stopped on a dime.  But still... so nice but way to egger.... I got a text every morning about how nice it was to have a beautiful woman on his mind or other flowery comlaments... That was nice but it made me wonder if I had a stalker....I havnt heard anything today so Im hoping Im done.


The riotously tragic thing about this, is that he firmly BELIEVES, what he is doing will make him more attractive and desirable to you.

He believes, "Women will love me because I am totally dialed in to what she wants."

He's wrong. Completey, utterly, dead wrong.

It makes him look needy, pathetic, and creepy.


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## CEL

My money is on the needy if I was to place a bet. He may of been really into you and just trying to impress as that again would be my guess either way it was not what you wanted and he now knows that. My take on it is you will probably never hear from him again. He may learn from this to be more guarded or he may decide that for him he would rather be who he is and lose a girl then get with the game and get girls. 

Sad but that is often the choice men in his position have to make. In the infidelity section you see a lot of nice guys who have wives who cheat on them. When they divorce I don't think they change that much they are still that same nice guy and when they find a women hopefully they find one that is looking for that. You see the same thing on here all the time when a guy wants a girl he has to game it even tho he may not want to. Again that may have been his genuine personality just a people pleaser Nice Guy. And not I don't think there is anything wrong with that in fact I resemble that remark.  Afterall takes one to know one.

I do want to say I think you handled it right and were delicate with his feelings. He may be a little downtrodden now but you at least did not crush him. If you do have contact with him again I would keep it simple that you just don't want to continue PLEASE don't get specific even if he asks that will crush him.


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## doureallycare2

CEL said:


> My money is on the needy if I was to place a bet. He may of been really into you and just trying to impress as that again would be my guess either way it was not what you wanted and he now knows that. My take on it is you will probably never hear from him again. He may learn from this to be more guarded or he may decide that for him he would rather be who he is and lose a girl then get with the game and get girls.
> 
> Sad but that is often the choice men in his position have to make. In the infidelity section you see a lot of nice guys who have wives who cheat on them. When they divorce I don't think they change that much they are still that same nice guy and when they find a women hopefully they find one that is looking for that. You see the same thing on here all the time when a guy wants a girl he has to game it even tho he may not want to. Again that may have been his genuine personality just a people pleaser Nice Guy. And not I don't think there is anything wrong with that in fact I resemble that remark.  Afterall takes one to know one.
> 
> I do want to say I think you handled it right and were delicate with his feelings. He may be a little downtrodden now but you at least did not crush him. If you do have contact with him again I would keep it simple that you just don't want to continue PLEASE don't get specific even if he asks that will crush him.


Thanks Cel;

I agree for the most part. He did mention a few times on our calls that he wasn’t up on the "game" aspect of it. As this was my first dating experience in 36 years I assured him I didn’t want someone playing the "game". I really didn’t mind that he tried so hard.. I took that as a compliment and that he was trying to make it special for me. 

It was just that things were contradictory, He asked me so sweetly if he could kiss me then went way over board. Wouldn’t you think it would have just been either a soft sweet kiss with someone asking so politely? Or if he was overcome with passion he would have not asked but kissed when he felt the moment was right? 

Other things just didn’t gel, he mentioned wanting to "make out" (again 2nd date) and we're at a public park. Hoping I would have "more wine".... So on one point I have this real sweet guy who seems like such a gentleman and overly eager to please and then on the other hand a guy that can barely hold himself in check at times. It was confusing. either way, when he told me things like; he felt "I could make all his dreams come true", despite me telling him over and over again I was NOT ready for a serious relationship (just being recently divorced) and wanted someone to just spend time with, have fun and enjoy life. 

I don’t know...... I guess it just goes to prove that you can be married for 36 years and still not understand men.


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## CEL

I love that part "you can be married for 36 years and still not understand men" LOL. From the outside it looks like you did right here are my top things about dating.

1. Be honest without that you got nothing.

2. Try to do as little damage as possible to your fellow human beings. Now this may take some explaining. Look at what you want in this case him to stop pursuing you. So you just dodged him and he got the hint. That's it. If you do talk to him be honest and simple I don't have those feelings. No one needs a laundry list of why they suck LOL.

3. Be honest with your self if you don't want to continue, don't continue. Honor your feelings.

4. Don't blame yourself. If it works great if not great. This is easier when we are younger as we get older we tend to view things as last chances. But really as long as you got life you got a chance.

Sounds to me like you acted in all the right ways and pulled the plug the right way. Time to take a break or try something else. You will get there no worries.


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## jpr

DURC2,

Hey there...I think you made a good choice here. ..and obviously you know that.

I have had a bit of experience with someone coming on too strong and too intense right away. It is not that I necessarily thought he was a 'player'......okay, well, at first I thought he was a player and I didn't take him seriously. As I got to know him though, I think he was expressing what he genuinely felt AT THE MOMENT. When someone comes on so strongly and so intensely, it is so hard to trust the feelings they are expressing to you. Those feelings are too intense to be lasting and real. They are fleeting. 

That sort of behavior indicates a level of emotional immaturity. It is also troubling, because he did not seem to respect your words and the boundaries you were trying to enforce. He wanted to kiss you in an inappropriately passionate way...and didn't think about how it would make YOU feel. ...it is all about getting his needs fulfilled, and doing what makes HIM feel good. 

Obviously, you made a wise decision. I am sure that he will find someone else to attach himself too very quickly. In my experience, this is typically happens. The man I was dating who was like this moved on within days of me telling him that I didn't think we were a match.  However, he still texts me from time to time-when he is in between girlfriends and lonely.


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## CEL

I actually identify with this guy a lot "hey we travel in packs like lemmings LOL". I can honestly say I have felt this way about 2 people my whole life. Both where special. One I am have had a relationship with for the past 9 years, have a house built a life together. When I talked to her about this she said one of the things she had to get past was how strongly I felt about her to start with. It was a hurdle the funny thing is all the things I said would happen did. She fell madly in love with me. We had wonderful times and really really bad times. But in it all we did love each other in our own flawed ways.

I think DURC did the right thing I support what she did. I support her decision. That does not mean tho that those that feel passion like that or express it are flawed and immature it means they are different. Anyway this is my last post.


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## Deejo

At this point in my life, it is difficult for me to imagine 'emotionally vomiting' all over a potential partner.

There comes a point where you need to be able to exercise some measure and self-control. I mean, it's great if the woman you are seeing makes you want to jump up and down on Oprah's couch ... but it is completely counter to actually getting her to feel at ease and secure in a fledgling relationship.

So ... you may think you are being emotionally honest, but that isn't 'honesty' it's lack of restraint. This guy going on about feeling fireworks and smothering behavior after one date basically cut his own throat.

It's emotionally dumb to behave in a manner that will push the object of your affection away from you, rather than bringing them in closer.


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## Freak On a Leash

Damn..I'm so glad I don't date or want to. Way too much work and aggravation. :rofl:


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## Paradise

Deejo said:


> At this point in my life, it is difficult for me to imagine 'emotionally vomiting' all over a potential partner.


:rofl: I love this!!! I'm stealing this quote, Deejo!!!


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