# Letter to stay on point



## Search_for_Happiness (Jun 23, 2014)

So, I posted some of the issues I have been having in my marriage once before. I have concluded this is the final resolve. This is a letter I have written to keep on point when I discuss my decision with my wife.

As I sort through the past years we have spent together I am in constant wonder as to the reasons why we have stayed together so long. I have lived my life with you attempting to pull the positive out of every situation and circumstance. We have continued to struggle and fail in our relationship. If it were true that “Love can keep us together” we would be a shoe-in for the everlasting relationship. Truth, we have never complimented one another’s personalities. We are like vinegar and oil, keep them shook-up and they work together; any time spent without being agitated will result in separation of properties. That is us; we work ourselves into complacency. When one of us get tired of the idle aspect of life we shake the bottle with tension, hostility, and arguments. That gets us back to a workable scenario; not true happiness though.

I won’t discuss feelings because mine have never been respected and they are put on display like what I say/feel is meaningless. I will merely say, I do not believe I am respected and I am being taken advantage of again/still. There are no words or promises that can be made at this point - I mean it’s only been 18 years of the same thing. I have begun the divorce process and plan to file the Petition for Divorce soon. I know the response this will get and I have fully made up my mind that this is what I will do. 

You must know I have given more to our relationship than anything I have ever undertaken in my life. The amount of energy it takes be where we are right now is depressing and exhausting. I do not have the energy or desire to put that much effort into our future just to, at best, maintain our current position in life.

I truly believe we were never meant to be together and we are so different from one another; we have, to this point, defied all that is natural. There is no point in regurgitating all the past statements of how different we are – my needs, your needs, etc. We are not kids and we know how much we don’t have in common. I have never had ill-will toward you and wish you nothing but the healthiest and best life has to offer. I am hopeful of the same thing for myself.

Please know I will do whatever I can to make this transition easier. I have decided to absorb all the debt we have acquired to date. You can keep all the “stuff” we have acquired together (household stuff, etc.), the SUV and, of course, the car. I only wish for my personal effects, truck, trailers. As for the dogs; I will not fight you on any point, so tell me what you want and I will comply.

I will arrange to get you wherever it is you wish to be; Texas, Michigan, California, wherever. I have nothing more to give and believe you will grow and prosper better without me.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Sounds like a good statement. Just stick to it regardless of her reaction.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I would not say you've "never had anything in common." That sounds ridiculous and is really insulting.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Why are you taking on all of the debt and giving her most of the joint marital assets?

Sounds like you're blaming yourself for finally growing a set and pulling the plug.

Remember she is the one who bait and switched you (with the sex), she outright admitted it.

Besides if the divorce goes the way of most, it's going to be contested and if you agree to give up most everything and take on all the debt, then that becomes your BEST case scenario.

Truth be told I doubt she'll give a damn about the letter, all she'll get out of it is that you want a divorce. Either she'll be on board with it or she won't. Either way it's going to be a bitter end, there's no question about that.

Forget about putting it in writing especially the part about giving her all the stuff and taking on the debt.

Just sit her down one night and say "Obviously this isn't working, it hasn't been working, probably never did, and never will, so let's take the steps to go our own way and move on with our lives".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd go w/ a much simpler letter...

"I'm filing for divorce."

And I'd certainly refrain from any language along the lines of "I'll take all the debt, you can have everything else."


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

^ This

Short, to the point, and anything you write down can and probably will be used against you in a court of law.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Take it from someone who learned the hard way, because I wanted the same thing as you do (an argument-free, hassle-free uncontested divorce): do NOT take on all the marital debt. Split the debt and assets down the middle. Please trust me on this one. 

Our divorce went through very quickly and easily because I did not ask for what was rightfully mine. The second the divorce was final, though, the difficulties began. Even though our marriage was over from an emotional point of view for years before it actually happened - you will be surprised what emotions come out AFTER it is final and you two start moving forward with separate lives.

If she pulled a bait-and-switch on you in terms of sex, then she is just as responsible (at least) for the failure of the marriage. Do NOT hand her all the assets and take on all the debt. You should both split it.

And even if you do end up saying to her what is in that letter - please don't put it in writing. Give yourself time to think about it and reflect on how things are going during the divorce process.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Hope Shimmers said:


> And even if you do end up saying to her what is in that letter -


Saying it is almost as bad because it sets her expectations and places the bar higher.

If he goes that path despite the excellent advice given here by myself, you and one or two others, then he deserves what he gets. Which won't be much, unless you consider marital debt something worth having.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend you deserve happines so go for it. You live only once. Serve her with Divorce papers.

Readig your previous posts your wife forbid you to visit your children and they cant visit you. That is not wife,it is monstrum. How can she do that !!!

Dont fall for her "game" because she is going to offer you a lot of sex,telling you she loves you and always will. Forget about it. You lived with her so you should know what she is.

You are offering her a lot in your divorce,but search for happines and freedom got no price.

Best of luck to you my friend and TALK WITH YOUR CHILDREN. You are starting new life so bring them back to your life.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Try this .....................


As I sort through the past years we have spent together I am in constant wonder as to the reasons why we have stayed together so long. We have continued to struggle and fail in our relationship. When one of us get tired of the idle aspect of life the result is tension, hostility, and arguments. That gets us back to a workable scenario; not true happiness though.

There are no words or promises that can be made at this point. I have begun the divorce process and plan to file the Petition for Divorce soon. I know the response this will get and I have fully made up my mind that this is what I will do. 

You must know I have given more to our relationship than anything I have ever undertaken in my life. The amount of energy it takes be where we are right now is depressing and exhausting. I do not have the energy or desire to put that much effort into our future just to, at best, maintain our current position in life.

I have never had ill-will toward you and wish you nothing but the healthiest and best life has to offer. I am hopeful of the same thing for myself.

Please know I will do whatever I can to make this transition easier. I will be very accommodating at dividing our debt/assets equally. As for the dogs; I will not fight you on any point, so tell me what you want and I will comply.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Please know I will do whatever I can to make this transition easier. I have decided to absorb all the debt we have acquired to date. You can keep all the “stuff” we have acquired together (household stuff, etc.), the SUV and, of course, the car. I only wish for my personal effects, truck, trailers. As for the dogs; I will not fight you on any point, so tell me what you want and I will comply.
> 
> I will arrange to get you wherever it is you wish to be; Texas, Michigan, California, wherever.


There's no way I'd put this in writing.

You have no idea what she'll do to you legally.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I hope you aren't going to read this letter to your wife. Respect her enough to talk to her about a divorce and not just read her a letter. You chose her and proposed to her so you are just as much to blame for being in a marriage where you two are so different as she is if not more. Hopefully you don't have children that you are deserting too.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I hope you aren't going to read this letter to your wife. Respect her enough to talk to her about a divorce and not just read her a letter. You chose her and proposed to her so you are just as much to blame for being in a marriage where you two are so different as she is if not more. Hopefully you don't have children that you are deserting too.


I would not consider leaving a sexless marriage as 'deserting' anyone. 

Sometimes when a marriage ends, it is better for the children.


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## Search_for_Happiness (Jun 23, 2014)

All: 

This is a letter for myself to keep on point. I would not have read or written this to her to be used against me in any way. I know she is capable of that; she has proven that in the past. I appreciate all the feedback and do understand the points being made. I will not use any such language about property/debt division. You all have made absolute and valid points. I can't say how much I appreciate your candor. This why I wrote this post here; I needed an honest assessment of my situation without emotional ties. 
SadSamIAm: Your edited and rewritten points are far more on point. 

As I'm sure you can all understand, when you are in a relationship, regardless of how dysfunctional, you can't always displace your feelings correctly. I need the harsh reality of discussion you have all brought to me. 

I look forward to your insights and will respond to you in kind.
I was attempting to continue to make her life easier while maintaining my penance for the relationship failure. It's how I have always been. Of course, part of that is to keep my resent during the debt payoff portion of the recovery so I am not fooled into believing the tricks ones mind plays regarding the marital bliss that doesn't/didn't exist.

Thank you all.


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## Search_for_Happiness (Jun 23, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I hope you aren't going to read this letter to your wife. Respect her enough to talk to her about a divorce and not just read her a letter. You chose her and proposed to her so you are just as much to blame for being in a marriage where you two are so different as she is if not more. Hopefully you don't have children that you are deserting too.


Happilymarried25 I respect those who can offer a candid response. I don't believe I am "more" to blame for our relationship failure. Unless you consider my willingness to discuss these issues countless times as a couple, in counseling sessions (in which I was counseled to leave the relationship because her controlling behavior can become out of control and dangerous to those closest to her), etc. I have attempted to fight for my relationship for 18 years; I guess I just give-up too easily.
Deserting - REALLY!!! 
She checked out of this relationship years ago.
Children; no we have no children together and the 3 I have are not permitted to visit nor can I visit. If you were removed from your children's life I'm sure you would make these same statements.
I did not get married to get divorced and have been diligent in my duties, responsibilities.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If the letter is for your benefit and you're not going to read it out loud or have her read it, I think it's good to have in order to remind yourself of your feelings.

But if you're going to either read it to her or have her read it, or verbalize a digest of it, it'll be more useful tied to a balloon and sent up into the clouds. A woman... Never mind a person, would only see: 

Blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah blah..... Etc.

Words don't mean nearly enough as actions. If you DO what you say in your letter, that'll have a much greater impact. Take this from a person who has made this mistake several times and learned from it. Take it from some other members of this forum who have done the same and realized a letter almost always has zero impact in the way you think it will. The impact is dependent upon the amount of respect she has for you, and if that's in the dumps, you may as well write the words "blah blah blah" literally across the entire sheet of paper.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I would not say you've "never had anything in common." That sounds ridiculous and is really insulting.


I agree, talking with an accusatory tone like that makes it seem like the other person was the only one who did wrong or is a low blow to the person because if you really felt that way then why did you get married in the first place?


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