# Jealousy?



## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

I often hear people say that a bit of jealousy from their partner makes them feel wanted. 

This directly contradicts what I have been taught about jealousy being a sign of insecurity and control issues. 

There are some things that just don't make me feel jealous. For example, my younger brother asked if I would mind if he and my husband went to a strip club. He was very surprised when I said that I wouldn't be upset about that. My brother told me that most women do not think like me. Maybe there is something wrong with the way that I think?

Women will sometimes give my husband the old once over. It doesn't upset me. In fact, I feel proud that my husband is getting looks from other women. I like to tease him about this because it makes him feel good. "Oooh, somebody is a ladies man! I better step up my game; all the ladies want my hubby!" :rofl::rofl:

My husband is *much *more jealous than I am. I know that our age difference, his recent 40th birthday and his belief that I am far better looking than he is all collide to make him feel insecure. This man has been so loving and patient with me, so I feel that I can and should help him deal with his insecurity. I also think that we are equally attractive and my husband is sexier than he thinks. 

Do you think jealousy is healthy? Why or why not?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I think there are degrees of jealousy, add into that a person with unstable mental health issues or a less emotionally developed person and then big problems can set in.

Personally I like my man to be protective of me and our relationship, this is not jealousy to me. We have been to clubs together, watch porn together and I know he watches it alone (as do I). It does not make me jealous.
We have discussed boundaries and things like harmless flirting and OS friends fall withing acceptable to us. Anything that involves an emotional or physical connection with another would fall outside the boundaries. It would not be a case of jealousy then, more a case of disrespect as well as not protecting our relationship.

I don't think jealousy is healthy at all but showing you are protective of your relationship is.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Holland said:


> Anything that involves an emotional or physical connection with another would fall outside the boundaries. It would not be a case of jealousy then, more a case of disrespect as well as not protecting our relationship.


Yep, agreed.

I don't have the jealousy gene, neither does my hubby. I think it's a hoot that all my friends love him to bits and when women check him out, I tease him about it 

I would be very ticked off if he was actively flirting with someone, not out of jealousy, but out of being disrespected so blatantly.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I think a modest amount of jealousy is good. Everybody has jealousy boundaries (or should).

For example you sound like you have healthy jealousy. You don't mind him going to strip clubs or having women look at him because you are confident he will not take advantage. Nothing wrong with you. On the other hand, if he started making out with some gal, you would be jealous, no?

some women don't want their guys to go to strip clubs. that's ok too


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I often hear people say that a bit of jealousy from their partner makes them feel wanted.
> 
> This directly contradicts what I have been taught about jealousy being a sign of insecurity and control issues.
> 
> ...


Jealousy is an emotion. It is not good or bad in and of itself. Just like anger it has its place.

Jealousy is good if there is a reason to be jealous. It is a survival mechanism. Jealousy can be bad. But the answer is ... it depends.

Having compatable values and solid agreed upon boundaries can go a long way here. Meeting each other needs is essential. There are no gaurantees of course. But jealousy like other emotions is s symptom of something else. Internalizing jealous feelings when one should feel jealous is counter-productive and quite weak. Being jealous and not acting on it can be an insecurity. If one feels legitimately jealous then the best way to deal with it is ... to deal with the cause directly. If one is not justified then you still need to find the root cause of the feelings. 

Also some people love to push buttons to get a reaction. This comes down to the compatibility part.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Jealousy is an emotion. It is not good or bad in and of itself. Just like anger it has its place.
> 
> Jealousy is good if there is a reason to be jealous. It is a survival mechanism. Jealousy can be bad. But the answer is ... it depends.
> .


:iagree:

Jealousy , anger are both survival mechanisms that have the rightful place in the tapestry of human emotional response.

I use the word tapestry , because our emotions are an intricate network of responses to stimuli that makes us who we are.
Try to remove one part , and something becomes off balanced.

People who weren't allowed to positively express anger when they were kids , become passive aggressive later on in life.

It is best to strive for a healthy balance of these emotions in your life firstly , and then your relationships.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I hate the way the word "jealous" gets tossed around.

I think when someone is married, they can have a legitimate concern about a third party interacting with them or their spouse.

Jealousy, IMO, arises when the hot guy in your third hour class is flirting with someone else, but you wish it were you. that is, you have no reasonable expectation that this person should be putting you first...... as you would with your spouse.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I hate the way the word "jealous" gets tossed around.
> 
> I think when someone is married, they can have a legitimate concern about a third party interacting with them or their spouse.
> 
> Jealousy, IMO, arises when the hot guy in your third hour class is flirting with someone else, but you wish it were you. that is, you have no reasonable expectation that this person should be putting you first...... as you would with your spouse.


Exactly.

IMO jealousy in a relationship would only be justified if a spouse gives more or inappropriate emotional (a fortiori physical) attention to other people. So in this definition, an assertive reaction is warranted.

In other situations it would only be rooted in insecurity or weakness... and the cause of negative interactions or controlling behaviour.

None of the above seem very sexy to me.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

"Jealousy" is like the word "greed", it normally has a negative connotation. I suppose the positive version might be closer to the words "concern" or "vigilant"?

People change over time. My wife and I were both very insecure and very jealous people when we first met. But now, many years later, we are very secure in our relationship with each other and it would be very difficult to make each other jealous if we tried.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I believe there is Healthy and Unhealthy jealousy... I feel this article lays this out in an articulate way..to show those differences...

Healthy and unhealthy jealousy



> *Two types of jealousy*
> 
> Jealousy can be either healthy or unhealthy. *Healthy jealousy* is a means to guard your territory and comes from a sincere care and commitment to a relationship. On the other hand, *unhealthy jealousy* manifests itself through lies, threats, self-pity, and feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and insecurity.
> 
> ...





> So how do you deal with unhealthy jealousy in your marriage? Here are some tips for both spouses – whether you have or are a jealous spouse.
> 
> *If you have a jealous spouse:*
> 
> ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I often hear people say that a bit of jealousy from their partner makes them feel wanted.
> 
> This directly contradicts what I have been taught about jealousy being a sign of insecurity and control issues.
> 
> ...


This sounds very patronizing and condescending.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I often hear people say that a bit of jealousy from their partner makes them feel wanted.
> 
> This directly contradicts what I have been taught about jealousy being a sign of insecurity and control issues.
> 
> ...


I applaud you for your thinking here/above. Smart IMO.



CharlotteMcdougall said:


> My husband is *much *more jealous than I am. I know that our age difference, his recent 40th birthday and his belief that I am far better looking than he is all collide to make him feel insecure. This man has been so loving and patient with me, so I feel that I can and should help him deal with his insecurity. I also think that we are equally attractive and my husband is sexier than he thinks.
> 
> Do you think jealousy is healthy? Why or why not?


I think everything you said above is completely normal. We all have trust/jealousy issues. Some have more than the others (differences between you and him are a perfect example).

What it really comes down to is how it effects your life/happiness and relationship.

And it seems like it doesn't effect it AT ALL. So I just don't see a problem.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jealousy is one of those words that takes on a different perspective for different people and couples. When someone takes a look, even a longer one, at my GF ass I don't get upset or jealous. I'm flattered in a way and hey she has a great one so I check it out too. So that form of jealousy I don't have.

However my x wife would tell me daily about the guys at work who would flirt with her everyday. Call it a premonition or just sixth sense but that never set well with me and caused arguments almost weekly. She could see it was making me uncomfortable and then when I got upset I was "controlling and paranoid". In the end I was proven right by her cheating with a few of them.

So my personal boundary is the "harmless flirting " jealousy type. The boundary I made for myself is if my SO does something that makes me feel uncomfortable I tell them once that it bothers me and not to do it again. Second time I walk. 7 years of being a pawn in the "lets make the husband jealous game " was enough for me ...no more


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> I think a modest amount of jealousy is good. Everybody has jealousy boundaries (or should).
> 
> For example you sound like you have healthy jealousy. You don't mind him going to strip clubs or having women look at him because you are confident he will not take advantage. Nothing wrong with you. On the other hand, if he started making out with some gal, you would be jealous, no?
> 
> some women don't want their guys to go to strip clubs. that's ok too


Oh yes...everyone has their own boundaries for marriage.

I know that I cannot stop people from looking at my husband.
I would be livid if he was making out with another woman.

If I wanted to go watch buff men strip, my husband would not be pleased. 
Fortunately, I have never been interested in visiting strip clubs.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My jealousy has wrecked havoc on my marriage. After thinking about it, it really is my own insecurity that drives it. As mentioned before, it made/makes me controlling and manipulative. I have decided if I'm not good enough so be it. I'm just going to be the best I can be and let it go. Old habits die hard.


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## Aeternus (Mar 11, 2014)

I like it when my wife gets jealous. That's harsh, I know, but it shows that she cares. It's almost like affection in a way. I liked your comment about "stepping up your game", because it accomplishes the exact same thing, but in a happy, lighthearted way. He still knows you care, gives him a huge ego boost, and gives him that affection. Kudos!


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