# Ive broke with my GF and still cant believe is that really happens



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

Ive been dating one girl. We were dating for 3 months, she took me to the city Voi to introduce me to her family. Ive met her parents, grandma, siblinngs, cousins, aunts and uncles. We agreed to go to one place (mombasa) by a train and stay there for 5 days... So... We entered to train, I joined her little later, like 1-2 minutes coz Ive had bags. There were 4 places as usual. When I came and sit, she already spoke with two guys who sitted on their places across us. They spoke all the time in suahili so IDK what was about. She usually spoke with other people in matatu(bus) so I saw it as normal, but there were always short conversations like maybe 5 minutes. That conversation took whole 75 minutes of our trip. She only once asked me "is everything fine?" Ive been such shocked by that situation and couldnt believe it really happens, that I only said silent "YES" and didnt say even one more word.Its not abt jealous, seriously. I felt like a trash. She ignored me totally like I was invisible. She didnt touched me even, those 2 guys could think I dont know her I let them enjoy. Is that normal? I felt totally ignored and it was just.. sad...
Am I paranoid and made a big deal from small thing? Ive broke with her after we left the train coz I didnt wanted argue in train and stopping their conversation. Ofc she cried, sorry me, explained thought Ive been busy by my phone, didnt wanted to hurt me, that I should correct her at the moment etc
If she would kiss me, hug me or take my hand, I wont be angry even. I swear.
How do you see that ladies and gentlemans?
Ps-She never did to me any bad action, we have been in great moods in our way to train. I really couldnt believe it really happens. Plus using swahili she blocked me to join their conversation and also I couldnt understand them. No, they didnt knew each others, they were two totally stranger guys. I told her we are over cause every random strangers guys are more important than me. And to dont touch me, coz she should touch me at train, and to dont calle me honey, coz she should call me honey at train. But she treated me like I was not there.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Wow. No I have no advice. So she asked if you were ok. You said yes. You made no attempt to talk to her but it’s all her fault?

It has nothing to do with you not having any confidence. Why did you not take her hand? Talk? Do anything?

You did the same exact thing as her but somehow she wrong and you are right?

You didn’t talk to her. You did take her hand. You didn’t ask her any questions.

I think being broke up is correct. Move on. You don’t have the strength to be with a woman who doesn’t lead.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

You broke up with your GF because she spoke to 2 Stangers on the train and ignored you, while you were on your phone...

Seems mature enough to me...


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

mdetlef568 said:


> Ive been dating one girl. We were dating for 3 months, she took me to the city Voi to introduce me to her family. Ive met her parents, grandma, siblinngs, cousins, aunts and uncles. We agreed to go to one place (mombasa) by a train and stay there for 5 days... So... We entered to train, I joined her little later, like 1-2 minutes coz Ive had bags. There were 4 places as usual. When I came and sit, she already spoke with two guys who sitted on their places across us. They spoke all the time in suahili so IDK what was about. She usually spoke with other people in matatu(bus) so I saw it as normal, but there were always short conversations like maybe 5 minutes. That conversation took whole 75 minutes of our trip. She only once asked me "is everything fine?" Ive been such shocked by that situation and couldnt believe it really happens, that I only said silent "YES" and didnt say even one more word.Its not abt jealous, seriously. I felt like a trash. She ignored me totally like I was invisible. She didnt touched me even, those 2 guys could think I dont know her I let them enjoy. Is that normal? I felt totally ignored and it was just.. sad...
> Am I paranoid and made a big deal from small thing? Ive broke with her after we left the train coz I didnt wanted argue in train and stopping their conversation. Ofc she cried, sorry me, explained thought Ive been busy by my phone, didnt wanted to hurt me, that I should correct her at the moment etc
> If she would kiss me, hug me or take my hand, I wont be angry even. I swear.
> How do you see that ladies and gentlemans?
> Ps-She never did to me any bad action, we have been in great moods in our way to train. I really couldnt believe it really happens. Plus using swahili she blocked me to join their conversation and also I couldnt understand them. No, they didnt knew each others, they were two totally stranger guys. I told her we are over cause every random strangers guys are more important than me. And to dont touch me, coz she should touch me at train, and to dont calle me honey, coz she should call me honey at train. But she treated me like I was not there.


Ok, I understand if you were hurt because she was ignoring you and speaking in a language you didn't understand. You felt like she was choosing them over you. And to be honest that's a pretty nasty thing for a girlfriend to do.

But she can't read your mind. You have to let her know what's in your head. You have to show her that you want her attention.

It's too late now but for your next girl, learn to stand up for yourself.
Learn to talk to your girlfriend.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You sound like you need to learn a lot about relationships.
The only thing that you have a legitimate beef about might be that she chose to speak in a language that you didn't converse in. I think that it might be valid to infer from that that she wanted to exclude you. However, more context would be necessary to determine if that was her objective.
You could even perhaps make a case that she was rude. However, you sat there and took it. I even agree with her that you should have called her on it then and there, so she could have the opportunity to adjust or correct her behavior.
However, to sit there and pout about it and then break it off was immature.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Tdbo said:


> You sound like you need to learn a lot about relationships.
> The only thing that you have a legitimate beef about might be that she chose to speak in a language that you didn't converse in. I think that it might be valid to infer from that that she wanted to exclude you. However, more context would be necessary to determine if that was her objective.
> You could even perhaps make a case that she was rude. However, you sat there and took it. I even agree with her that you should have called her on it then and there, so she could have the opportunity to adjust or correct her behavior.
> However, to sit there and pout about it and then break it off was immature.


And if the others don't speak any language other than swahli? I assume she spoke that language because that is what the other spoke. Do you really think she was trying to exclude him from the conversation? Or he simply isn't equipped to speak to the others?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think tammers are coming down pretty hard on this guy. His girlfriend didn’t just have a passing conversation with these two guys, she spoke to them for seventy five minutes in a language her boyfriend couldn’t understand. At the very least she’s extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn’t have been as polite as the op.
This was a **** test in my opinion and he’s right to be pissed.


----------



## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

mdetlef568 said:


> Ive been dating one girl. We were dating for 3 months, she took me to the city Voi to introduce me to her family. Ive met her parents, grandma, siblinngs, cousins, aunts and uncles. We agreed to go to one place (mombasa) by a train and stay there for 5 days... So... We entered to train, I joined her little later, like 1-2 minutes coz Ive had bags. There were 4 places as usual. When I came and sit, she already spoke with two guys who sitted on their places across us. They spoke all the time in suahili so IDK what was about. She usually spoke with other people in matatu(bus) so I saw it as normal, but there were always short conversations like maybe 5 minutes. That conversation took whole 75 minutes of our trip. She only once asked me "is everything fine?" Ive been such shocked by that situation and couldnt believe it really happens, that I only said silent "YES" and didnt say even one more word.Its not abt jealous, seriously. I felt like a trash. She ignored me totally like I was invisible. She didnt touched me even, those 2 guys could think I dont know her I let them enjoy. Is that normal? I felt totally ignored and it was just.. sad...
> Am I paranoid and made a big deal from small thing? Ive broke with her after we left the train coz I didnt wanted argue in train and stopping their conversation. Ofc she cried, sorry me, explained thought Ive been busy by my phone, didnt wanted to hurt me, that I should correct her at the moment etc
> If she would kiss me, hug me or take my hand, I wont be angry even. I swear.
> How do you see that ladies and gentlemans?
> Ps-She never did to me any bad action, we have been in great moods in our way to train. I really couldnt believe it really happens. Plus using swahili she blocked me to join their conversation and also I couldnt understand them. No, they didnt knew each others, they were two totally stranger guys. I told her we are over cause every random strangers guys are more important than me. And to dont touch me, coz she should touch me at train, and to dont calle me honey, coz she should call me honey at train. But she treated me like I was not there.


I see you in the wrong here. She was right when she said you should have said something at that moment. She asked you if you were fine. Why would she do that? Don't you think she can't pick up on your body language? You have to learn to communicate with a woman or your relationships will be very short lived.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

mdetlef568 said:


> Ive been dating one girl. We were dating for 3 months, she took me to the city Voi to introduce me to her family. Ive met her parents, grandma, siblinngs, cousins, aunts and uncles. We agreed to go to one place (mombasa) by a train and stay there for 5 days... So... We entered to train, I joined her little later, like 1-2 minutes coz Ive had bags. There were 4 places as usual. When I came and sit, she already spoke with two guys who sitted on their places across us. They spoke all the time in suahili so IDK what was about. She usually spoke with other people in matatu(bus) so I saw it as normal, but there were always short conversations like maybe 5 minutes. That conversation took whole 75 minutes of our trip. She only once asked me "is everything fine?" Ive been such shocked by that situation and couldnt believe it really happens, that I only said silent "YES" and didnt say even one more word.Its not abt jealous, seriously. I felt like a trash. She ignored me totally like I was invisible. She didnt touched me even, those 2 guys could think I dont know her I let them enjoy. Is that normal? I felt totally ignored and it was just.. sad...
> Am I paranoid and made a big deal from small thing? Ive broke with her after we left the train coz I didnt wanted argue in train and stopping their conversation. Ofc she cried, sorry me, explained thought Ive been busy by my phone, didnt wanted to hurt me, that I should correct her at the moment etc
> If she would kiss me, hug me or take my hand, I wont be angry even. I swear.
> How do you see that ladies and gentlemans?
> Ps-She never did to me any bad action, we have been in great moods in our way to train. I really couldnt believe it really happens. Plus using swahili she blocked me to join their conversation and also I couldnt understand them. No, they didnt knew each others, they were two totally stranger guys. I told her we are over cause every random strangers guys are more important than me. And to dont touch me, coz she should touch me at train, and to dont calle me honey, coz she should call me honey at train. But she treated me like I was not there.


IMO, you handled the situation poorly. 

So far this was a one-off, and you didn't say anything in the moment. If she had a pattern of doing this or you brought the issue up and she ignored it, then my advice would be different. 

Was her behavior rude? Absolutely. In a way, so was yours! You sat there on your phone for 75 minutes and didn't try to join the conversation. 

I would love to be left alone for 75 minutes to scroll through my phone and tune the world out. My wife will talk to strangers if they initiate the conversation, I'd rather be left alone. It sounds like she assumed you didn't want to be bothered or were content as you were. If you weren't, you should have changed the situation. 

My wife knows several languages and generally doesn't use English with our kids. Being multilingual is great but I like being part of the conversation as well and knowing what's going on, so I talked to her about it. She tries to remember to use English when I'm part of the conversation or we're in the car or something, but it's her third or fourth language so that doesn't always happen - especially if she's tired. 

The point is, she didn't really think about it as rude until I talked to her. Then she started making an effort to involve me in the conversation. I don't expect perfection, I expect a genuine effort. 

That's what you should have done - talked to your GF. If you cannot communicate and resolve issues, all of your relationships will fail or will be miserable. It sounds like a little communication would have gone a long way.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Your lack of proper communication ended this relationship. Consider it a learning experience for you and move on.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bobert said:


> IMO, you handled the situation poorly.
> 
> So far this was a one-off, and you didn't say anything in the moment. If she had a pattern of doing this or you brought the issue up and she ignored it, then my advice would be different.
> 
> ...


The difference between you and the op is his is a three month relationship when people are supposed to be on their best behaviour. 
I might not have dumped her in this situation but I would have left her in no doubt about my thoughts on her behaviour.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> Wow. No I have no advice. So she asked if you were ok. You said yes. You made no attempt to talk to her but it’s all her fault?
> 
> It has nothing to do with you not having any confidence. Why did you not take her hand? Talk? Do anything?
> 
> ...


You were too passive. You should have immediately told her that speaking in a language that YOU didn't understand is rude, as is ignoring you completely.
Her reaction to THAT would have told you a lot.


----------



## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

@mdetlef568 Also I should mention that my wife speaks 2 languages that I don't, so I can understand how you felt in the moment, however you sat there speaking with your inside voice just looking at your phone. She can't speak "mind reading," so in a sense you were speaking a language she doesn't understand, also.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> The difference between you and the op is his is a three month relationship when people are supposed to be on their best behaviour.
> I might not have dumped her in this situation but I would have left her in no doubt about my thoughts on her behaviour.


You're assuming she didn't speak in other languages to other people when we were dating. She used to have a male friend who was from some French-speaking African country. Prior to us dating they spent two years flirting and always spoke in French to each other. I didn't like it, I expressed it, it stopped (for the most part). 

Anyway, it doesn't change the fact that he needs to communicate if he's unhappy. Not sit around seething for 75 minutes because he "didn't want to make a scene". The situation could have been handled without making a scene, and depending on her reaction could have avoided a breakup.


----------



## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I think SHE dodged a huge bullet. Good grief, relationships are filled with petty annoyances and unintentional slights. Breaking up over this - when you said you were fine - is extreme, but good luck for her that you showed your controlling self early.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> I think SHE dodged a huge bullet. Good grief, relationships are filled with petty annoyances and unintentional slights. Breaking up over this - when you said you were fine - is extreme, but good luck for her that you showed your controlling self early.


Thank you....Exactly this above.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Comon' guys. He said he was shocked by her behaviour. I don't think he didn't say anything because he was playing victim. He was overchallenged. 

I can understand this. Her behaviour was really off. Espescially since those were guys and most likely at least one had interest in her. 

She is either naive or she loves the attention of men. I tell you OP this is the type of woman that cheats. If I was with my new boyfriend I wouldn't be ibterested in talking 75 minutes to strange guys.
She obviously felt comfortable with them. Well, she should have given them her number.
She is an attention seeker.
Yes, you yould have toöd her, but it doesn't change what you've seen she's capable of and I think you simpmy made the decision that you don't want to be with such a woman with such low boundaries.

And there is also some sort of emasculation that went on. There were two other guys and ypur girlfriend was adapting to what they clearly wanted. They dominated you and she let them dominate you and you let them dominate you.

At the end, this woman isn't your match. One of the other guys might.

Next time speak up and then later break up with such a woman.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> And if the others don't speak any language other than swahli? I assume she spoke that language because that is what the other spoke. Do you really think she was trying to exclude him from the conversation? Or he simply isn't equipped to speak to the others?


It could be a possibility. I don't know.
I wasn't there.
You weren't there.
Like I said in my post, more context is necessary.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

Guys-every kenyans speaks english because learining at school is in english, not swahili. I told her few times that I dont like when she use swahili, and why she use it while every kenyans knows english. By use swahili with them she blocked me: 1st-I couldnt understand them. 2-I couldnt join the conversation
Why dont I correct her to stop? Because she is a person who likes to talk, she usually talked with someone at shop, market, matatu (bus) but for a few minutes. I wanted to wait when she stops.She never did something like that before.
Why I didnt kiss her or took her hand? Coz she was very busy by talking with them. She didnt looked at me. For the first 15 minutes Ive looked at her many times, then I just took my phone from pocket.
When after 40 minutes she asked are you allright or are you okay, I almost cried (lol)
Ps-she good knew I dont like when she use swahili cause I dont understand even a word, and I cant understand why use it while every kenyans knows english. Ive even asked her a day before if in my party we planned (to meet my with all her friends) she gonna use swahili too. Like she cant understand its uncomfortable
They learn at school everything in eglish, only swahili is in swahili.
Anyway guys I dont think that were talking about s*x or flirting. But they talking all the time from 1st to last minute. Ive been alone in other continent, other country, onther city in a train, and only from her depeneded if Im gonna feel comfortable or not. If am gonna feel bored or not, if Im gonna have anyone to talk or not.
Who knows-maybe our four would have a great conversation and pretty fun?
Why dont I kiss her or something? Coz she was VERY VERY into talking, doesnt looked at me even when I seated etc. Wanted to know when she stops and remind herself that Im also here and we going TOGETHER to mombasa. I dont blame only her... Coz seriously Ive started thinking that maybe something is wrong with me, and should visit a psychiatry.
When Ive said its over she cried and sweared she wont use any other language than english anymore. Also asked if there is anything more that made me mad or sad? Like ignoring me was normal  She said she didnt wanted to bother me coz I was on my phone, but I took a phone from pocket after 15 minutes of looking on them. ONE MORE THING-my roaming didnt work and she knew that-so to have internet I needed to ask her to make a router. Yes I was sitting on my phone without internet!


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> You were too passive. You should have immediately told her that speaking in a language that YOU didn't understand is rude, as is ignoring you completely.
> Her reaction to THAT would have told you a lot.


Yeah I should, but I thought that conversation will take no more than few minutes, like always. Also few times I made it. For example when we met one of her friends by accident Ive asked "hey Lucy, why do you use swahili? forgot that I dont understand it?"


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

mdetlef568 said:


> Guys-every kenyans speaks english because learining at school is in english, not swahili. I told her few times that I dont like when she use swahili, and why she use it while every kenyans knows english. By use swahili with them she blocked me: 1st-I couldnt understand them. 2-I couldnt join the conversation
> Why dont I correct her to stop? Because she is a person who likes to talk, she usually talked with someone at shop, market, matatu (bus) but for a few minutes. I wanted to wait when she stops.She never did something like that before.
> Why I didnt kiss her or took her hand? Coz she was very busy by talking with them. She didnt looked at me. For the first 15 minutes Ive looked at her many times, then I just took my phone from pocket.
> When after 40 minutes she asked are you allright or are you okay, I almost cried (lol)
> ...


If you are saying that they spoke English and she chose to speak to them in Swahili, then it was rude.
In that scenario, it doesn't take much to sort out that she wanted to exclude you from the conversation.
However, you should have called her on her s*** right then and there. Then, she has a chance to apologize for being rude and opportunity to modify her behavior.
However if she pulls this stunt often, especially after being called out on it, it sounds like you are better off without her.
However, that still doesn't mean that you don't need to get some pride in yourself and develop the skills to represent yourself well in such situations as this.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

OP, how old are you and your GF? I'm assuming young.

You didn't handle the situation great, definitely over reacted. But something tells me things weren't going great and there were issues between you two before you boarded that bus.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

OP handled this very badly, like someone with very little life experience. The GF was ridiculously rude and equally lacked the life experience to know this and the read her BF. Both own some portion of the situation. All that said, I don't know that this is a reason to break up. It could be a good opportunity to clearly discussed boundaries and other aspects of the relationship. @mdetlef568 has you actually ended the relationship with your GF or are you just in a rough spot because of this and trying to work it out?


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> I think tammers are coming down pretty hard on this guy. His girlfriend didn’t just have a passing conversation with these two guys, she spoke to them for seventy five minutes in a language her boyfriend couldn’t understand. At the very least she’s extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn’t have been as polite as the op.
> This was a **** test in my opinion and he’s right to be pissed.



I agree with you Andy.

He's too good for her.

However, those who say he has to do a better job standing up for himself like Beyondrepair are correct too. 

Those who are trying to equate these two are dead wrong IMO


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Teacherwifemom said:


> I think SHE dodged a huge bullet. Good grief, relationships are filled with petty annoyances and unintentional slights. Breaking up over this - when you said you were fine - is extreme, but good luck for her that you showed your controlling self early.




Yes, he dodged the bullet. Not her.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

elliblue said:


> Comon' guys. He said he was shocked by her behaviour. I don't think he didn't say anything because he was playing victim. He was overchallenged.
> 
> I can understand this. Her behaviour was really off. Espescially since those were guys and most likely at least one had interest in her.
> 
> ...



this exactly !!!!!!!!


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

Ive broke with her straight after we left the train. She started to cried and swear she wont use any onther language anymore and asked me if there was anything else which made me mad or sad. Like she didnt understood the main reason was ignoring me. Again-if she would kiss me, hug me, or take my hand, I wont be angry even. I would just tell her, it was nice to looking on the floor for over one hour and sarcastic thank for blocking me from their conversation.
I started that topic to understand what really happens, if she really could not know she hurts me?Or maybe I made a big deal from small thing? They just talked.. IDK what to say and what to think.
ONCE AGAIN-IVE BEEN SOOOO MUCH SHOCKED THAT I COULDNT BELIEVE IT REALLY HAPPENS.
One more thing-she started talking with them, cause I saw it. And 4-6 times Ive heard word TRAIN when they talked, so probably it was normal conversation, not about se* or flirt.
Soo-what was that? She really only spoke and didnt knew it hurting me?
Was is somekind of **** test?
Was it a small thing and Ive made a big deal from that?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She's social. That's it. At any time you could have talked to her yourself. What's all this with you thinking she must kiss you or be affectionate in public when she's conversing with someone? 

Why wouldn't you just try to resume your normal conversation? Or were you not talking to her to begin with?


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

I couldnt because there was no pause break. The spoke all the time and having good fun. I didnt wanted to bother. If their company was soo good its okay. Seems she doesnt need my. I understand 5 or 15 minutes but over an hour. Also she could do anything to show that we are togerher, like touch me or something. Believe that in Kenya every girl wants you only coz you are white-probably thinking we all are rich. She was jealous and asked once something like, you must feel like a king here, every girl wants you. My respond was: have you ever seen I answered to them by a Hi even? Did I ever talked with them? Did I looked on them? Dont you worry. Im with you and I remember about. Cause seriously once in Nairobi we was going to the shop, and one girl took my hand and said "come with me" lol. I didnt looked at her even, and asked my GF "jesus christ do we really need to use handcuffs to let them know we are together?"
When we going to a train we have been in good moods.Excited even. Who dont like relax on the beach?


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Whose idea was it, yours or hers, that you meet her family after 3 months of dating. Dating at 3 months and you calling her your girlfriend? You should be at a friend level. At 3 months you no way know each other even close enough to be introducing to family. So you are on a trip to meet her family and you feel ignored because she is speaking to strangers. I can understand your concern but I am curious whether she was engaging them, or were they engaging her? Did they have something in common.....you mentioned that she was speaking in their language. Could it be that you were feeling jealous that other men were speaking to your friend and perhaps a bit protective of her?


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

She started to talk to them, not they to her, I saw it. Also its nothing new. She is very social. No I dont feel jealous that she talks with others guys. You see on my 1st post what and how I felt. Problem is I wasnt exist for her in that train.
It was her idea to introduce me to her family. Also many times when someone called to her Ive heard my name.Also guys, Im not a jealous type, seriously. Like Ive said. If she hug me for example, I wouldnt be angry. But for sure I would tell her later that she again blocked possibility of my join to conversation, not for the 1st time.

Soo-what was that? She really only spoke and didnt knew it hurting me?
Was is somekind of **** test?
Was it a small thing and Ive made a big deal from that? 
Could she really didnt knew it hurting me? 
Anyway she thought I have a pretty fun by watching them speak in language I dont understand?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

mdetlef568 said:


> She started to talk to them, not they to her, I saw it. Also its nothing new. She is very social. No I dont feel jealous that she talks with others guys. You see on my 1st post what and how I felt. Problem is I wasnt exist for her in that train.


You know she's acts the same in social environs whether you are or aren't around right?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some humans live in their own world, their own reality.
They are self-centered.

This is a natural phenomenon.

Know now, that you two are/were, not compatible.

I understand your hurt, I do.
I have been in your exact shoes, more than once.

You are too needy.

Once you learn to value yourself, and not needing any others acknowledgement, you will be much happier.

Your GF was rude, but I attribute it to her social ineptness, and not to any malice.

If you take her back, I believe she will refrain from leaving you alone, in plain sight.

Hold no grudges, she likely meant no harm, and likely is somewhat clueless, and not having etiquette.

Note: You do stand in you own light, and expect others to constantly acknowledge you.
You need those '_words of affirmation_'.

She had no clue about that need of yours.

Umm.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

She is a person who likes to talk. Guys I really dont understand what happened in that train, We never really argued even, Also she thought that everything is fine. Its fine she talks with language I dont uderstand while they could use english, also its fine she totally ignored me. Im really curious how would it be if trip will take for example 5 hours.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

mdetlef568 said:


> Why dont I kiss her or something? Coz she was VERY VERY into talking, doesnt looked at me even when I seated etc. Wanted to know when she stops and remind herself that Im also here and we going TOGETHER to mombasa. I dont blame only her... Coz seriously Ive started thinking that maybe something is wrong with me, and should visit a psychiatry.


Yes there is something wrong with you: you are immature. You also need to join the 21st Century with the rest of us men. This isn't the 1950s and you don't own your girlfriend . She can talk in whatever language she wants without your permission and you need to just suck it up, OR... learn to speak Swahili. 

A self-possessed man doesn't fret about his woman talking to two guys while he is sitting there. So what? What she do that was so wrong? You said yourself it did not look like she was flirting. She wasn't acting coy or seductive with them. Most likely she was just having a friendly conversation with them. Maybe they were from out of town and she was giving them advice as to how to get places or where to go, maybe they were talking politics, maybe the men were telling her about their wives and families. You just don't know. 

Getting pouty and mad like a little boy demonstrated your immaturity. You should have calmly and cooly asked her what she was talking about with the other men and then carried the conversation from there. You could have told her you want her to teach you Swahili so you don't get lefty out of conversations. There were many different ways you could have handled it. 

And if you cannot handle NOT having 100% attention from a girlfriend 100% of the time, then you don't need to be in any relationship. No one can pay 100% attention to their partner all the time. If you want a meek, submissive, silent woman who doesn't talk to people in public without your permission, then you need to search for a wife in Saudi Arabia or Iraq maybe. 

And no, I'm not a male feminist. I am a realist who understands that the old chauvinistic attitudes just don't work anymore. If you want a relationship with a woman nowadays, you have to accept the fact that women don't really NEED men anymore for financial support or protection like they did 100 years ago. 


I'll grant you, 75 minutes of talking without including you was a rude, but not rude enough for you to break up with her.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Do you plan to work things out with her, or has she crossed a hard line that you won't flex on?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How can you assume that she did _not _explain, in Swahili, your relationship (with her), to these two fellow passengers?

I am sure they asked, and I bet she did.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

Hold no grudges, she likely meant no harm, and likely is somewhat clueless, and not having etiquette.

Note: You do stand in you own light, and expect others to constantly acknowledge you.
You need those '_words of affirmation_'.

She had no clue about that need of yours.

Its possible. Thats why Im asking.Maybe Ive made a big deal from small thing. Maybe they even told her what to show me on the coast. IDK. Im asking. What I know she hurts me very much and I felt totally ignored, like she wanted to hide we know each others. Also I thought we are going together.I havent titled that topic as "my ex is a bad woman"
No its over with her. I dont want back. I told her why. She still use swahili always, and Im not exist while there are other guys. And dont say bullshits I need 100% attention. For 75 minutes she didnt said anything to me, and didnt touched me. While we always walking and sitting holding hands.
Something was not right, but IDK what and why. I dont think they have asked about me or she said am her BF. They didnt looked at me even like I was not there.
I just wanted to know if Im overreacted or not. I dont know, maybe she shamed of me. And dont say its a normal to talk 75 minutes and ignoring a partner.It was never happened before. Why in that train only?
For example she has more male than female friends. There was no day a guy havent call to her, but I wasnt angry or jealous. She asked me on one of our first days if Im a jealous type, coz she has male friends and I have to accept it. Ive said its okay, and I dont have anything against, but she just must remember differences between friend and boyfriend. 
I just cant imagine such thing: Girl is coming from africa to me, we going to other city by train, and Im talking with two girls in foreign language totally ignoring her for whole trip


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I think tammers are coming down pretty hard on this guy. His girlfriend didn’t just have a passing conversation with these two guys, she spoke to them for seventy five minutes in a language her boyfriend couldn’t understand. At the very least she’s extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn’t have been as polite as the op.
> This was a **** test in my opinion and he’s right to be pissed.


I totally agree with Andy on this one. She ignored him in favour of speaking to total strangers for a frikkin 75 minutes in a language he could not understand and then says she "thought" he was busy on his phone!!!! Give me a break. OP on arrival at your destination I would have just gone on without her and left her on her own to make her own way - in short I would have dumped her right there and then. You my friend, will be the one who dodged the bullet. I really don't understand what other Tammers are reading here!?!?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

mdetlef568 said:


> ...
> Soo-what was that? She really only spoke and didnt knew it hurting me?
> Was is somekind of **** test?
> Was it a small thing and Ive made a big deal from that?
> ...


My Beloved Hubby has profound hearing loss and he speaks another language (that I do not speak). When I speak, I do make an effort to be aware of including him, such as not having my back to him, speaking a little slower so he can hear and make sense of what I'm saying, etc. BUT I don't always remember or do a perfect job. His daughter (my step-daughter) and I can jump into a conversation and talk so fast he can't even follow it! So if he followed your example, he would leave me every time his daughter and I spoke, claiming I hurt him and it was a **** test. In real life, it has little or nothing to do with HIM--his DD and I are just super excited to see each other and speak with someone who "gets us"!! 

And it's the same way when he speaks the other language that I do not. Okay, he served in the Army for years and picked up German. I'm of German heritage but my grandfolks all said "No we are American now--we speak ENGLISH!" So I didn't learn much German--just a phrase here and there. Now, if he runs into a fellow vet who also served in Germany, the two of them might go off into a conversation in German, and do you know what I think? I do not think he is being rude or purposefully ignoring me or hurting me. I think he is having FUN! He's not doing that to test me--he met a buddy and I see him enjoying himself. 

In post #19 you wrote:


> ... Ive been alone in other continent, other country, onther city in a train, and only from her depeneded if Im gonna feel comfortable or not. If am gonna feel bored or not, if Im gonna have anyone to talk or not.


You made your security and comfort and entertainment the responsibility of another person (your girlfriend), and in real life, YOU are personally responsible for all of that. You may be alone in another continent, but you chose to be there. No one forced you. YOU are responsible for your feelings, to entertain yourself, to meet people, and to be independent. It's NOT her job! 

So if you do feel lonely, take a walk on the train. Go to the observation deck and enjoy the view. Talk to the server in the snack car. If you feel bored, that is up to YOU to fix, not her. She's not your possession to entertain you, and she can't read your mind. 

If you want to join the conversation, why not jump in and say "Hey I'd like to join in, can we switch to English?" If you want her to stop talking, why not speak up for yourself and say "Sweetheart, could I make a request? I'd love to spend some time just the two of us. Could I ask you to wind up this conversation"? Speaking up like that is mature and emotionally healthy. Keeping it all pent up and springing a break up on her when you didn't communicate what you were thinking or feeling is not as mature and not that emotionally healthy.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

mdetlef568 said:


> Hold no grudges, she likely meant no harm, and likely is somewhat clueless, and not having etiquette.
> 
> Note: You do stand in you own light, and expect others to constantly acknowledge you.
> You need those '_words of affirmation_'.
> ...


You are absolutely in the right here.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

So you really think she didnt knew she is hurting?
What are the others possibilites?
Let me tell you once again. Since morning we have been in good moods and happy we are going to mombasa. When entering to the train we still talked and smilled.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

mdetlef568 said:


> So you really think she didnt knew she is hurting?
> What are the others possibilites?
> Let me tell you once again. Since morning we have been in good moods and happy we are going to mombasa. When entering to the train we still talked and smilled.


If you want to know, go talk to her.

Changing your mind about breaking up and calling her is a reasonable thing.

If you want to know what she is thinking, both now and on the train earlier, then ASK HER!


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> I totally agree with Andy on this one. She ignored him in favour of speaking to total strangers for a frikkin 75 minutes in a language he could not understand and then says she "thought" he was busy on his phone!!!! Give me a break. OP on arrival at your destination I would have just gone on without her and left her on her own to make her own way - in short I would have dumped her right there and then. You my friend, will be the one who dodged the bullet. I really don't understand what other Tammers are reading here!?!?


I would leave the train but it wasnt stop, LOL. I swear that after 30 minutes I knew whatever gonna happened I will broke with her. I would just take my bag and leave without a word.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

mdetlef568 said:


> *For example she has more male than female friends. There was no day a guy havent call to her, but I wasnt angry or jealous. She asked me on one of our first days if Im a jealous type, coz she has male friends and I have to accept it.* Ive said its okay, and I dont have anything against, but she just must remember differences between friend and boyfriend.
> I just cant imagine such thing: Girl is coming from africa to me, we going to other city by train, and Im talking with two girls in foreign language totally ignoring her for whole trip


Okay so you are not sexist. But you could have handled the whole thing in a much more mature manner. 

But what I highlighted above is a red flag. Women who have few or no female friends should be avoided in my opinion.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You got your feelings hurt. She makes conversation you do n’t understand and doesn’t acknowledge you to strangers as her boyfriend.

ok

What YOU need to acknowledge is that you two aren’t a good match! You have certain needs and expectations and she will never fill your needs.

you just aren’t a good match! End it with her knowing this is who she is - and who she is hurts your feelings!


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

SHE had the time and opportunity for 75 minutes to spend talking to YOU! You are there a very short period of time - and most people totally into a new guy would spend those 75 minutes being focused on the person they find fascinating!

she wasn’t so fascinated that she avoided others in order to connect with YOU.

that’s the heart of it. The complete strangers were more important TO HER - than you were.

Yes, you have every right to have your feelings hurt. But it shows that she isn’t your gal you want long term.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

Yeah like Ive said, totally strangers guys were more important, were so much more important that she forgot Im exist.
You know even single kiss or hug would change my mind about whole situation. 
When she cried she was saying something like dont leave me etc. Ive told her, that was her choice, not mine...


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I mean what were they talking about? Were they flirting? There has to be more then just talking right no one is this fragile. Why couldn't you just join the conversation?

Maybe she didn't forget you existed maybe she just thought you were secure enough in yourself that she could have an innocent conversation with two other people without you needing to be acknowledged more then once.

Obviously she was wrong. Oh well bullet dodged.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

My friend, you made the right move 100%. The point of dating early on like this is to establish whether or not someone is a good match for you long term. I'd have done exactly as you did. You gave her the freedom to choose, and she chose 2 random men on a train over you. It would have been OK if she just had a short, friendly chat with those guys and then turned her attention to you for the next 70 mins but she did not. I'd walk away and never look back.


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> I think tammers are coming down pretty hard on this guy. His girlfriend didn’t just have a passing conversation with these two guys, she spoke to them for seventy five minutes in a language her boyfriend couldn’t understand. At the very least she’s extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn’t have been as polite as the op.
> This was a **** test in my opinion and he’s right to be pissed.


Totally agree.
The OP`s girlfriend acted disrespectful towards him by talking to strange guys for 75 minutes in a language her boyfriend doesn`t understand, therefore excluding him completely as if he was invisible.
My wife is Thai and she`d never do that to me.
The OP was right to ditch that girl, he dodged a bullet there.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> I mean what were they talking about? Were they flirting? There has to be more then just talking right no one is this fragile. Why couldn't you just join the conversation?
> 
> Maybe she didn't forget you existed maybe she just thought you were secure enough in yourself that she could have an innocent conversation with two other people without you needing to be acknowledged more then once.
> 
> Obviously she was wrong. Oh well bullet dodged.


I couldnt join cause I dont know swahili she good knew about... and I told her she blocking me by that, so I cant join conversation and understand even what are they talking about. I told her not once I dont like when she use swahili. Same situation was when a guy came to her flat to repair shower, she used swahili. Ive started to speak to him english. Finish looks like that he enjoyed to try polish vodka I came with to kenya and we spoke about half of hour  Also I known from him, he has a own little shop and after hours do small repairs like that, to get extra cash.


----------



## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

mdetlef568 said:


> Ive been dating one girl. We were dating for 3 months, she took me to the city Voi to introduce me to her family. Ive met her parents, grandma, siblinngs, cousins, aunts and uncles. We agreed to go to one place (mombasa) by a train and stay there for 5 days... So... We entered to train, I joined her little later, like 1-2 minutes coz Ive had bags. There were 4 places as usual. When I came and sit, she already spoke with two guys who sitted on their places across us. They spoke all the time in suahili so IDK what was about. She usually spoke with other people in matatu(bus) so I saw it as normal, but there were always short conversations like maybe 5 minutes. That conversation took whole 75 minutes of our trip. She only once asked me "is everything fine?" Ive been such shocked by that situation and couldnt believe it really happens, that I only said silent "YES" and didnt say even one more word.Its not abt jealous, seriously. I felt like a trash. She ignored me totally like I was invisible. She didnt touched me even, those 2 guys could think I dont know her I let them enjoy. Is that normal? I felt totally ignored and it was just.. sad...
> Am I paranoid and made a big deal from small thing? Ive broke with her after we left the train coz I didnt wanted argue in train and stopping their conversation. Ofc she cried, sorry me, explained thought Ive been busy by my phone, didnt wanted to hurt me, that I should correct her at the moment etc
> If she would kiss me, hug me or take my hand, I wont be angry even. I swear.
> How do you see that ladies and gentlemans?
> Ps-She never did to me any bad action, we have been in great moods in our way to train. I really couldnt believe it really happens. Plus using swahili she blocked me to join their conversation and also I couldnt understand them. No, they didnt knew each others, they were two totally stranger guys. I told her we are over cause every random strangers guys are more important than me. And to dont touch me, coz she should touch me at train, and to dont calle me honey, coz she should call me honey at train. But she treated me like I was not there.


she was right you should have told her to speak in a language you understand or translate for you .but whatever she should have included you in the conversation.but try to be a little understanding they may not have another language so a conversation with you mcould very well have taken ages.but she was wrong to exclude you but its a little thing not worthy of breaking the relationship,she must love you taking you for her family to see.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

Going to school in kenya is a MUST. Law is a law, everybody must go to the school. Learning is only in english. Only Swahili lessons are is swahili, so everybody knows english. Lets say that somehow they dont speak english, its not my problem. If they dont speak, she should choose me (english) not them (swahili) its about choosing language.
2-she spoke with them from 1st to last minute of trip
3-she TOTALLY ignored me. I will repeat again: if she would kiss me, hug me, or took my hand, it would be okay. Till she asked if im fine/okay they probably didnt knew we know eatch others, coz how? She didnt looked at me even. Like I was not there or be invisible. When she asked me if Im fine after 40 minutes since train moved I didnt cared cause after 30 minutes I knew its over whatever gonna happened.
Many people asked me why same like her, why dont I correct her at the moment? Because there is nothing bad by talking to other people, but not for WHOLE trip OVER ONE HOUR IN LANGUAGE I CANT UNDERSTAND and TOTALLY IGNORING ME.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sokillme said:


> I mean what were they talking about? Were they flirting? There has to be more then just talking right no one is this fragile. Why couldn't you just join the conversation?
> 
> Maybe she didn't forget you existed maybe she just thought you were secure enough in yourself that she could have an innocent conversation with two other people without you needing to be acknowledged more then once.
> 
> Obviously she was wrong. Oh well bullet dodged.


They were talking in a language he does not know, so he really has no idea what was said and couldn't join the conversation.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

mdetlef568 said:


> Going to school in kenya is a MUST. Law is a law, everybody must go to the school. Learning is only in english. Only Swahili lessons are is swahili, so everybody knows english. Lets say that somehow they dont speak english, its not my problem. If they dont speak, she should choose me (english) not them (swahili) its about choosing language.
> 2-she spoke with them from 1st to last minute of trip
> 3-she TOTALLY ignored me. I will repeat again: if she would kiss me, hug me, or took my hand, it would be okay. Till she asked if im fine/okay they probably didnt knew we know eatch others, coz how? She didnt looked at me even. Like I was not there or be invisible. When she asked me if Im fine after 40 minutes since train moved I didnt cared cause after 30 minutes I knew its over whatever gonna happened.
> Many people asked me why same like her, why dont I correct her at the moment? Because there is nothing bad by talking to other people, but not for WHOLE trip OVER ONE HOUR IN LANGUAGE I CANT UNDERSTAND and TOTALLY IGNORING ME.


Yeah. She needs to grow up. Ii can't imagine treating my girlfriend or wife that way and I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way either.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. She needs to grow up. Ii can't imagine treating my girlfriend or wife that way and I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way either.


You mean I treated her in bad way? You are wrong friend. In kenya every girl wants white bf. Girls adore me dailly when we were together, I totally ignored them all the time and asking if she is fine. If I am with someone Im seriously taking care.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

mdetlef568 said:


> You mean I treated her in bad way? You are wrong friend. In kenya every girl wants white bf. Girls adore me dailly when we were together, I totally ignored them all the time and asking if she is fine. If I am with someone Im seriously taking care.


No. I think she treated you poorly and I wouldn't tolerate it.

I was saying I wouldn't treat my wife or girlfriend like your girlfriend did either.

Ignoring your lover while rudely excluding them from a long conversation is a poor way to behave.

You could have been more dominant or forceful but you are not wrong to be angry with her.


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> No. I think she treated you poorly and I wouldn't tolerate it.
> 
> I was saying I wouldn't treat my wife or girlfriend like your girlfriend did either.
> 
> ...


You could have been more dominant or forceful but you are not wrong to be angry with her
I agree my friend, but Im giving a free will. Like, if you gonna be more happy with other one guy, go ahead,doors are there... Something like that. If I would suppose they flirting or talk abt s*x I would do action immediatly to her and to them.

I wanted to thank all people for answers, even those ones who criticise me


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,
You did right. Instead of her attention being on YOU when you were taking a trip together, it was on other guys. You rightly noticed you were cut out of even being in in the conversations WITH OTHER MEN.

Yes, I would have quickly let her know I wasn’t taking a 75 min ride with my gf and being ignored while she spoke with other guys in a language I don’t speak, but it doesn’t really matter. You shouldn’t have had to.

what I feel is important is that you dumped her. Bravo! Having enough self confidence to not accept obvious bad behavior from your lady will serve you well in the future.

The o my thing I see that you did wrong was say you were fine when she asked, and let her ignore you and give other men her attention while passively on your phone.

I’m sure has you said, “hey, I’m here, do you have any time to chat me up like these other dudes?” You’d be described as a controlling jerk by some of the people here.

But I personally feel you did the right thing by dumping her. Get A woman that has her attention on YOU because she likes YOUR conversation.

Being willing to end a relationship that doesn’t bring you happiness is a strength, not a weakness.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

She was in the wrong and I don't blame you for dumping her. You were just dating and you are lucky you found out her lack of boundaries now. She was very rude to ignore you the whole trip. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## mdetlef568 (4 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP,
> You did right. Instead of her attention being on YOU when you were taking a trip together, it was on other guys. You rightly noticed you were cut out of even being in in the conversations WITH OTHER MEN.
> 
> Yes, I would have quickly let her know I wasn’t taking a 75 min ride with my gf and being ignored while she spoke with other guys in a language I don’t speak, but it doesn’t really matter. You shouldn’t have had to.
> ...


Ofc I should, but after 30 minutes I knew its over anyway. Then she asked me. I didnt wanted to talk with her.


----------

