# H's sleeping in getting later and later...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H lays in one morning a weekend. He's allways liked sleeping in. 

We agreed I'd get up with the kids. It has worked OK for a while now. But he is getting up later and later. Used to be half eleven. Then after twelve. He is now hitting one in the afternoon and sometimes later. Last week he got up at 2pm. He consistently moans when he gets up real late that he wishes he hadn't.

Life is busy and I am noticing more and more that we cannot make family plans because he gets up so late. No day trips, fun rides out to the beach, stuff like that. When I get upset about it he says I shouldn't wait for him but just go do my own thing. But he misses the point. I do my own thing with the kids all week. He is at work then. 

I don't begrudge him sleeping in but it's getting silly now. Family and friends think he's kidding when he says he got up at half past one. I get the "poor walkingwounded" comments and a sympathetic look. His guy friends can't believe it.

The trouble is I'm gonna feel like some kind of dictator if I say "get up at 10." I know whatever I say he is not going to like it! Any thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is he staying up later and later? So much that he is essentially shirting to living in another timezone?

Or is it depression when he doesn't have motivation to get up ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> My H lays in one morning a weekend. He's allways liked sleeping in.


and what... exactly... is the problem? You mentioned a bunch of red herring stuff. But what's really eating you about this?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Is he staying up too late?
Is he depressed? 
Is he faking it to get some alone time (perhaps reading a book)?

You can always do what my wife does when she wants me up: send in the kids. The youngest ones have knack for landing their knee on my full bladder every time. Guaranteed to get my behind out of bed.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

This is a serious issue. 
You cannot belong to a family if you don't participate. 
Perhaps he is depressed. Is he taking anything that would make him sleep more? I'm on a powerful antihistamine and I take it at night and it knocks me off my feet. I can set the alarm on weekends and I still sleep in (til 9, which I consider very late.) If my kids are here though the longest I push it is 7:30.
You need to be absolutely honest with him and tell him that his lack of participation is having an effect on your feelings of family and also as a couple, and an individual. I think if I were stonewalled I would get a sitter on Saturday morning and Sunday morning and leave the kids with the sitter once in a while and go do something for yourself, something social. So there will be a sitter in the house, that's his problem. My bet is that he will start wondering where you are on these mornings that you are kid-free and will start to worry about what you're up to. I normally don't like to play games but honestly, the way he is acting you need to take care of yourself. The best you can do is to tell him you are concerned about your family and couple life and that you are going to start taking better care of yourself because it seems like you are heading for the end of the relationship. You can get counseling, but if he doesn't listen to or honor your concerns, there is not much you can do to change his behavior. My guess is that he can check out because he knows you will be with the kids, that's a bit like tethering your goat on the lawn when you can't keep an eye on it. That's dirty play, using the kids as an anchor for your wife while you do as you like. The maneuver I would make is a babysitter, and to go do something you've wanted to do for yourself during the week but can't because you are a responsible, caring, parent.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow, 2pm? I'd be a bit upset with that as well.

I'm always up at 4-5am, sometimes earlier. 

Hubby sleeps in on the weekends, but is usually up by 8-9. I'm his alarm clock during the week. We try to keep quiet on the weekends, but sometimes the kids are having too much fun playing. My girls are best of friends.


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## SplendidGray (Jul 4, 2011)

There are many reasons one might want/need to sleep in on the weekend. Hey might be developing a chronic pain/fatigue issue. Or it may be anxiety or depression induced like others have suggested. It might just be that he overworks his body during the week and needs to catch up on the weekend. 

You think he doesn't want to be with you and the children? You wouldn't have married him if you didn't trust that he would do his best to be an active husband and father. Many families don't have a father who lives at home and provides an income for the family. I would try and take the loving/grateful approach on this one. Pressing him about this will probably do very little to make him want to get up earlier. 

Not every human has the same energy level or ability to get up early. If he is holding his full-time job, not exhibiting other health symptoms, and isn't blaming you or the children for his sleeping in, I would just let this go.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Depression maybe?
Maybe just not wanting to hang with you and the kids, avoidance, not wanting to help do anything etc.

Suggest him seeing a medical doctor. Tell him you are concerned about him sleeping so late. And you're hoping nothing is wrong. If he wont go or gets mad, then its probably nothing medical anyway.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Life is busy and I am noticing more and more that we cannot make family plans because he gets up so late. No day trips, fun rides out to the beach, stuff like that.


I broke my husband of this by being GONE when he got up. I started doing fun stuff without him on a regular basis and he hated being left out so he started getting up earlier.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> and what... exactly... is the problem? You mentioned a bunch of red herring stuff. But what's really eating you about this?


A combination of factors.

First. I feel I am being taken for granted. I do a lot in the week with the kids. It is fun but it's also hard work. He knows I think this. I feel to a degree he is avoiding his responsibilities and thinking it OK for me to continue looking after the kids on my own for a bigger and bigger chunk of the weekend.

Second. We agreed I could lay in the other weekend day. What inevitably happens is I end up having to get up whilst he lays dead to the world. He admits he overindulges the night before and gies to bed really late knowing it's his turn in the morning. He then naps on the sofa and I inevitably get disturbed when I go back to bed for a bit by the kids wanting stuff that they can't get their dad to help with because he's asleep. 

Third. I can never make plans for us all together to do stuff. Any other day is difficult and he knows that. He allways says he wishes he'd gotten up earlier so we could have done something productive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, this wouldn't fly with me. I'm not a single mom so on days Hubs doesn't work, I don't want to be a single mom.

He is a sleeper though, and I am not...so he sleeps until 9 or 10 and gets up.

But I agree, just go do fun things and leave him in bed. Alone. He'll get the idea.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

@walkingwounded

See? NOW I think we're getting somewhere. The problem is not his sleeping in. The problem is the three impacts that has on your life. I would be addressing those rather than sleep schedules.

Have you tried going to him and saying that rather than "you sleep in too late?" Did you do so in a loving, non-confrontational way? If so, what happened?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

that_girl that is a very good way to describe how I feel. I feel I do so much as a mom without him (through necessity with him being at work) that when he's here I don't want to be still left carrying all the responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> A combination of factors.
> 
> First. I feel I am being taken for granted. I do a lot in the week with the kids. It is fun but it's also hard work. He knows I think this. I feel to a degree he is avoiding his responsibilities and thinking it OK for me to continue looking after the kids on my own for a bigger and bigger chunk of the weekend.
> 
> ...



Sorry but to me it does sound like he is avoiding do things he knows he should or could help with, AKA taking you for granted.). Kids are waking you back up because he is asleep, so you see he isn't doing his part. Does he know that you are having to get back up with the kids once you lay down etc? If not let him know, then see if he continues on sleeping or if he makes a real effort to get up. If its depression or something else, then he needs t be seen by a doctor, suggest that too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> that_girl that is a very good way to describe how I feel. I feel I do so much as a mom without him (through necessity with him being at work) that when he's here I don't want to be still left carrying all the responsibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's how I feel too and how THEY would feel if they were usually the caregivers.

Hubs and I both work. he has longer hours so I'm home more with the kids. Fine. But on his days off, he better get up and be a dad. Just as I'm expected to get up and be a mom.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

walkingwounded said:


> that_girl that is a very good way to describe how I feel. I feel I do so much as a mom without him (through necessity with him being at work) that when he's here I don't want to be still left carrying all the responsibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alright, I am just asking this so I can have a clear picture. Do you work as well WW?? If not, could it be that both of you are lacking appreciation from one another?? Not suggesting that what is happening is fair or okay, just questioning whether or not that has an effect on his view of what he should be doing to contribute.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> @walkingwounded
> 
> See? NOW I think we're getting somewhere. The problem is not his sleeping in. The problem is the three impacts that has on your life. I would be addressing those rather than sleep schedules.
> 
> Have you tried going to him and saying that rather than "you sleep in too late?" Did you do so in a loving, non-confrontational way? If so, what happened?


I can't honestly say I have. It has been mentioned. He says I should just go ahead and go out and not wait for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Why is he getting to bed so late the night before? Does this feel like an avoidance tactic? Is he avoiding you and the family so he can make time for unsavory behaviors? Have you tried talking to him about the impact this is having?

I wouldn't try to force him to cooperate or participate because this will only make him more resentful and cause more problems. Instead, make plans to go do things on your own with the kids or with friends who have kids, like play dates. Just show him that you and the kids are fine without him. He will start to feel left out and want to join in; if this doesn't happen, then I'd be worried. 

Additionally, you could schedule a day activity earlier and then just go wake him up for it. Let the kids go in and wake him up around noon or 1 because they want to spend time with him (surely this is true and you can just opt not to prevent it from happening).

It's worth trying to figure out if he is ill, depressed, stressed, in need of some privacy, or up to something shady. My stbxh and I don't have any kids, but when he was increasingly staying up at night and avoiding me in the day, it was because he was spending that time with other chicks. I'm not saying that your husband is doing that, but, is he doing something else like drinking too much or something that is screwing up his internal clock? 

Don't pressure him to stick to a routine or he will start to treat you like a prison warden. Talk to him instead. If that fails, just ignore him and do your own thing with the kids.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> My H lays in one morning a weekend. He's allways liked sleeping in.
> 
> We agreed I'd get up with the kids. It has worked OK for a while now. But he is getting up later and later. Used to be half eleven. Then after twelve. He is now hitting one in the afternoon and sometimes later. Last week he got up at 2pm. He consistently moans when he gets up real late that he wishes he hadn't.
> 
> ...



lol ok... in my husbands words.... his sleeping in is.... "hey wake up wake up! I let you sleep in today"... and he's like.... What time is it babe? Then I reply with 11 or 12 and he's like... really wtf? but gets up anyway... lol 

Now I may be a bit of a dictator but I set a certain time when both of us get up to tend to the kids, do chores around the house, go out grocery shopping, pay bills, ect. There is to much to be done and if i want some damn time with my husband I make damn sure he gets his rear end up whether he wants to or not lol. I occassionaly let him sleep in, when there isn't anything needing to be done but most of the time there is lol.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

too much^^^^ had to correct spelling mistake... :/


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I can't honestly say I have. It has been mentioned. He says I should just go ahead and go out and not wait for him.


Well yes, but that answer doesn't address any of your three concerns. That's why I wondered if you'd addressed the actual problems with him rather than the symptom.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> We agreed I'd get up with the kids. It has worked OK for a while now. But he is getting up later and later. Used to be half eleven. Then after twelve. He is now hitting one in the afternoon and sometimes later. Last week he got up at 2pm. He consistently moans when he gets up real late that he wishes he hadn't.


Take him to a doctor (schedule it for him and drag his butt out) to get prescription sleep drugs. Forcing the brain to shut down and start up with the rest of the world has greatly improved my quality of life.

Some people, like me, can get very mentally excited and stay excited for hours. It's almost like the opposite of ADHD. Much of my life involved staying up all night because something caught my interest or I was thinking about something. It's such a strong effect that playing video games can overpower my prescription sleep drugs. If I take 1 of my sleep pills and I do something boring like watch TV, I'll immediately pass out, and it's impossible to wake me up. If I'm playing a video game that involves a lot of thinking, flashing lights, sounds, and communication, I can take 2 sleep pills and still be able to play the game. 

Having a brain like mine makes a person almost nocturnal to some degree. During the evening and night, I'm totally wired because that's when people do things they enjoy doing. I never feel tired, so I could stay up as long as I want, and I'll still be awake for at least an hour after I've gone to bed. I still need as much sleep as everyone else, so I tend to sleep later. It also confuses people that I could be so incredibly tired at school or work then be surging with energy around bed time. It's because work and school are not stimulating enough to keep me awake, but playing a game or working on a project is as stimulating as coffee or cocaine. 

The opposite of ADHD is autism. 
Asperger syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
ADHD is about being distractable and doing things randomly whereas autism is about doing 1 task at a time in a very specific order. If your husband shows other symptoms of high functioning autism, then you know that's the direction to look. Get him drugs that help shut his brain down. You can start with an over-the-counter solution. No name Benadryl (diphenhydramine) is cheap and effective.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I can't honestly say I have. It has been mentioned. He says I should just go ahead and go out and not wait for him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like he's just withdrawing from the family a bit. I did this for a few months a couple of years ago. I just got wrapped up in my own things, would stay up way too late believing that I could still get up on time (I couldn't). I would then sleep in too late.

In the end I was the one that recognized what I was doing, and I turned it around myself. Does your husband realize that he's being selfish. I know you said he knows you aren't crazy about taking care of the kids alone, but has he really put 1+1 together yet in his mind?

Do you invite him to come to bed with you? Maybe even give him a kiss and let him know you'd love to spend some time together talking before going to sleep. At the very least talk to him about this issue at night in bed.

Pick a job the next morning you want him to tackle. Assign it to him, so he feels a sense of duty to come to bed early enough to wake up on time to do it.

Perhaps ask that he get the kids up and going every other Saturday.

Do you leave the bedroom door open when you leave the room, I know for me the noise from the family wakes me up if I oversleep.

If one of your kids needs help with something and you are busy, ask him/her to go wake up dad and ask him to help since you are busy.

Just some ideas. I really hope he turns around this behavior because it's not fair to you... it is selfish of him (even if he doesn't mean for it to be).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> Take him to a doctor (schedule it for him and drag his butt out) to get prescription sleep drugs. Forcing the brain to shut down and start up with the rest of the world has greatly improved my quality of life.
> 
> Some people, like me, can get very mentally excited and stay excited for hours. It's almost like the opposite of ADHD. Much of my life involved staying up all night because something caught my interest or I was thinking about something. It's such a strong effect that playing video games can overpower my prescription sleep drugs. If I take 1 of my sleep pills and I do something boring like watch TV, I'll immediately pass out, and it's impossible to wake me up. If I'm playing a video game that involves a lot of thinking, flashing lights, sounds, and communication, I can take 2 sleep pills and still be able to play the game.
> 
> ...


I have 3 people living here who are diagnosed with ADHD… two of them are my sons. They have been like you describe from a very young age. From all I have read and been told by doctors… being able to hyper focus on things that one finds very interesting is also a trait of ADHD.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Part of me thinks no parent should be waking up at 2 in the afternoon with young kids. The caveman part of me thinks mom will always have to do more than dad when it comes to the kids. It's not very PC or new age...but it's nature. 

Give him want he wants and he'll find out it's not what he needs. Start letting him miss out on his family and he'll change pretty quick.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Alright, I am just asking this so I can have a clear picture. Do you work as well WW?? If not, could it be that both of you are lacking appreciation from one another?? Not suggesting that what is happening is fair or okay, just questioning whether or not that has an effect on his view of what he should be doing to contribute.



I could maybe see a lazy day, every once in awhile but staying in bed til 1 or longer consistently... is absurd. However, I am also curious about the question DawnD asked, might shed some more light if WW could respond.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I have 3 people living here who are diagnosed with ADHD… two of them are my sons. They have been like you describe from a very young age. From all I have read and been told by doctors… being able to hyper focus on things that one finds very interesting is also a trait of ADHD.


Autism, ADHD Share Genetic Similarities | Fox News
There's also a genetic link between ADHD and autism.
My gf has hardcore ADHD. Her brother is severely autistic. My gf was so excited to tell me that when she found an article saying that.

Anyway, titles don't matter. What matters is what works for treating it. Sleep drugs work great!


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