# emotionally cheated on and it's killing me.



## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

Ok my husband and I have been together for ten years. Always had a great physical relationship as well as emotionally. We like the same things and often know what the other is thinking. We've never had secrets and a few months back I discovered a woman's picture on his cell phone. I immediately went to our cell site and discovered that he talked to her day and night and more than one picture was exchanged. I was also able to see that he began this relationship. And I can't for the life of me figure out why. He's the shyest guy you'll ever meet so I know it took alot of balls for him to do it. After I found out he immediately ended it and hasn't contacted her since. But there are little details I just can't get past. Like the fact that he traded me in socially but was still able to use me sexually 5 nights a week. Or the fact that one night after being with each other and even taken pics of me for what he said was "later", he began a texting convo with her within 15 minutes of me falling asleep. How do I ever get over this. He is very remorseful and going out of his way to make things up to me but I wonder if I'll ever be able to get past this. We are the couple all our friends live up to be and now we're not and it's devastating. Help me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry this happened.

So you confronted him, is that right? 

And he's ended all communication with her? That is a good thing. Do you know who she is? Is she married/partnered??? 

It takes a while to get through this-----it's not an easy road.

Marriage counselling?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are here.

My story is similar, except that I am the cheating husband. I too am shy, and never thought of myself as one who would ever cheat. We were also the "model" couple, looked up to by others, a model for our adult kids. We still are only because no one besides my wife and I (and my counselor). But that won't last forever.

As for why he did it, if he doesn't know why then he needs to attend counseling to find out way so that it doesn't happen again. Know this, you are likely not to blame as to why he did it. It's an individual choice.

Why did he carry it on for so long? An EA is like a powerful drug. It feeds the ego. And letting go of that drug has withdrawal effects. 

Will you ever get over it? It's up to you alone. The 100% trust is gone forever. Sorry, but that's a fact. That's the world I created for my wife.

Since he's remorseful (which is good), he needs to be 100% transparent with his calls, texts, emails, logins to websites, everything.

Like Jelly suggested, marriage counseling (MC) will help both of you. If you find you are still having a hard time personally, try individual counseling (IC).

As a cheater, I got to IC. We are starting MC in about a week.

Feel free to ask me any questions via post or private message.

Good luck, and stay focused on a positive outcome.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

yes i confronted him. he wouldn't tell me anything not even her name. he even lied and said that it was just that one night because usually he remembered to delete their convos. after going to att myself and seeing how much he talked to her, he still wouldn't give it to me. he spent three nights in a row talking to her from midnight to 6am. not to mention all hours of the day. ignoring my saying he couldn't step away from work when he was just talking to her instead. i ended up finding her on facebook thankfully she listed her number so it wasn't hard and yes she was separated with her husband. got back with him within a week of my hubby breaking off their texting relationship. which makess me wonder if she at least wasn't planning on more. it's hard to forgive the fact that he would rather protect her than just give me her name from the beginning. it's also hard because he never ignored me sexually. does that mean he thought of her when he was with me. i know this may seem like a small thing to some but i do not handle rejection well. i'm not a bad looking person and have been pursued throughout my marriage by other men and I always let them know i was happily married. and he wasn't even pursued he was the pursuer! how do i forgive him for that?


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

do you know why you did it? was it boredom? he basically told me that he enjoyed the newness of it but isn't that one of things u give up when u r married. i did. i'm a housewife who's been bored for 10 years and i held it together why couldn't he?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You have to demand no contact. If he doesn't, go to the courthouse and get divorce papers and leave them on the table for him to see.

When my EA was discovered, I protected my affair partner (AP) as well. But it was more from me knowing that I started it. Regardless, it was wrong.

Maybe the other woman (OW) wasn't really separated, but still involved. Contact her husband and let him know what was going on. Separated or not, she was involved in an affair. There is no innocent party in an affair.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know some of why I did it, and still have more to understand. For me, she was removing emotional pain from many, many years ago in high school. She also was my cure to a personal affliction that I've been trying to cure since age 2. It went away when she was in my life. It's still not an excuse to cheat. There is no excuse.

There is a "newness" factor to it as well. I think that most, if not all, make egos enjoy the mental stroke of being wanted by others. Even women enjoy it. But what we do with it next is our choice. That's when it turns into the drug.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

he stopped talking to her the minute i told him to. i know he loves me and regrets it probably more than anything. it almost hurts more that he could drop her like that. it's like he was ultimately doing it for no reason at all. so why hurt ur wife for no reason? and why should that wife have to live with the reprecussions and pain of what he did? when i asked what they talked about he said the same things that we talk about. so why not talk about them with me. he literally sat in the chair next to our bed and texted her for hours with me not a foot away. when i woke up a few times i never considered he was cheating so i would tell him to get in bed and cuddle with me and it was always "in a minute babe". no relationship is perfect i know that. but we had the right kind of imperfect relationship. the kind where u fight over who's sleeping in this saturday. it's almost like if it's not what i thought it was then i don't want it anymore. does that make me an unforgivable witch? if we didnt work out -- i don't think i'd ever marry again..


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He not only hurt you, he hurt himself. He didn't do it to hurt you on purpose. It was a stupid decision on his part. One that leaves him with the label of "Cheater" for the rest of his life. I have that label as well.

I texted my AP on our anniversary. Even told her that I loved her on that same day. Texted her over 2,000 times a month, emailed numerous times, a day, and talked to her on the phone from work at least once a day. I has hooked on the EA drug. Yet, I never did hate my wife or treat her bad during any of this. 

If your marriage was bad, one of you would have left before an affair had a chance to start. My marriage wasn't "bad" either. We just grew apart and didn't notice. Then I went stupid. No excuse.

I suspect that what you are feeling now is normal. The pain is something you never want to experience again.

Enforce the transparency I stated earlier. Go to marriage counseling. I can't promise it will fix your marriage or your emotions. I'm headed down that same track myself.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

i do appreciate the advice but even if we could afford MC in this economy. he wouldn't go.. but since u r being so honest with me? is it wrong that i wanna see what it was like? why he had to do it? i never felt the need until now. and even though i feel the need i don't wanna do it but i do. crazy, i kno. i just hate that it ever happened. makes me feel less than. especially when the woman in question is not any better looking than me and i've learned from mutual friends that she is just the type of person my husband hates. how could he have an EA with someone who wasn't even his type? isn't that weird?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't cheat yourself. You will hate yourself more than you can ever believe. That's not the way to learn about it. Learn about it the right way. Buy a book, read articles on the internet. Anything like that. Stay clear of affair hell. Please take my advice.

He should have no choice about going to MC or not!!!

Listen, and listen good. He screwed up. And by doing so, he gave you full control over his and your future. Yes, I no you didn't want that control, but now you have it. You have all of the power. Any demand or request you make must be complied with. If he doesn't like it, tough!!! We cheaters give you the power. Use it to get us under full control, and help yourself at the same time. 

So if you say "We are going to read this book together and discuss it", he has to say "I will". If not, get some divorce papers ready and let him know that you are taking over.

What you are feeling is normal. What does an EA feel like? A drug that you know you should take, but you do anyways. Then you want more. The high is a fantasy that crashes extremely hard, and injures everyone involved for life. Is that what you want to feel? Do you want to hurt yourself and other innocent people like friends and family?

My AP was not exactly my type either. None of it makes any sense. It's a drug high and that's it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Sorry you are here.... 
Please prepare yourself for potential tricke truth. if your not familiar, look it up here. It is very typical script. You are likely to not have all the facts, yet... the fact he is protecting her is symptomatic to what he will or will not do to keep you. You want MC? He goes. You want facts? He reveals all with transparency. What you want, he needs to do. Actions are what now matters. Words conveying emotions and intentions are meaningless. Facts through actions!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

LostLindsey, I sent you a PM.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The good thing is he ended contact (andt hat you called him out on this BS). This is not a "small thing" so don't think it is. You feel betrayed because you were betrayed.

If I were you, I would contact her husband via FB and tell him what you discovered. Do this without ANY WARNING beforehand to your husband and to the OW. He needs to be aware of what happened in his marriage too.

How you feel is totally normal. Have you considered getting into IC. Ask him as many questions as you need to. He should be forthright and open and transparent with you if he's serious.


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