# Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Looking for advice on how best to deal rather than advice of whether I should bail or not. Bit of background - been married 25 years, two kids, one young.

Wife has got long term illness which makes things difficult for her. Shes constantly in pain so its difficult at times I get that. It makes her in not a great mood a lot of the time. 

BUT, I have a big issue with how she speaks to me sometimes. i.e. like crap. Most of the time I let it go but sometimes I just can't. And I kick off then. Of course, then even though Im right I handle it badly. It might be in public/ in front of the kids. I just get so incensed at the way shes spoken to me. Of course, I end up looking the bad one then.

Example. Just today one of the kids said something to me and I didnt hear so she basically raised her voice at me and spoke in a pretty nasty way. I just saw red etc.

Thing is its just not me. Shes had problems in work in the past so she does it to everyone. For her thought its weird, its just a quick snap and thats it. Sometimes I just dont think she realises what she does. Bit sometimes it can get a bit much. Some days its as if shes like bear with a sort head and sometimes just cant be bothered to try and be nice to people - it just comes out.

I've asked her about it and she'll say something like "but yes you were being annoying doing this". I disagree. Im the sort of the person that thinks you should speak to someone properly no matter what. If you have a problem even if its huge. But she doesnt see this. I've tried to nicely tell he - look, at times, you find everything and everyone in the entire world annoying so it can't be just me. But again she doesnt change.

I think I need to stop exploding. Like I said I just end up looking bad... But I need to find a way to deal with it and do something each time to deal with. Hoping she'll get message eventually.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to figure a way to take being treated like crap? If she hasn't got the message in 25 years I doubt she will. 

At this time you're the problem for putting up with this.

You ok with this the rest of your life with her?

For the most part people treat you like you let them.

If it was me I'd start giving her a lot of alone time and I'd go my own way. She'll either figure it out of she won't but I sure as hell wouldn't spend more of my life in this situation.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, we teach people how they can treat us. You have taught your wife that most of the time you are ok with being spoken to like that. And of course once in a blue moon you will snap back at her. She's ok with that.

What is it that she wants the most from you? Does she want you to spend time with her? Does she want you to do things for her? 

When my son was about 1 he thought it was really funny... when i'd pick him up, he would bash my face with his hard head. And then when I yelled, he would laugh. What did he want the most from me? For me to spend time with him and play with him. So when he bashed my like that, I would immediately put him on the floor, say "No one wants to play with a boy how hurts them." and I would leave the room. He would cry and I ignored his cry.

It only took me doing that a few times to put an end to his head bashing. I taught him that he could not treat me like that.

Now of course your wife is not a toddler with a hard head. But you could do something similar in that when she talks to you like that, instead of getting angry and yelling at her, you could calmly say something like "Gee that's disrespectful and not acceptable." and walk away. Take your kids with you if you can. Just leave her standing there by herself to deal with her own BS. Even leave the house for an hour or so if you can.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Read this:

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

What did you learn from it?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Too late to train this horse how to switch leads brother....

Either live with it or get out. There is no changing her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Too late to train this horse how to switch leads brother....
> 
> Either live with it or get out. There is no changing her.


I disagree that it's too late change how she interacts with him.

I shared what I did with my son.

Now I’ll share what I did with his father who was an angry abusive man. He used to pick on me verbally endlessly. Often he’d escalate into angry outbursts with yelling, screaming, throwing things and even being physically abusive.

I read a book (The Dance of Anger) that had an idea of how to stop the outbursts. It said that when a person acted like that, just get away from them. 
So when he was calm I told him that the angry outbursts had to stop. That it was impossible to take back the garbage that came out of his mouth. And his physical violence was unacceptable. So, from that point on I was going to tell him to STOP and then walk away the moment I felt that he was escalating. A that point he was responsible for calming himself down. I would leave, go to another room, go for a drive, go for a walk …. I would just get away for him for an hour or so. We could talk again once he was calm.

And I did that. Within a few weeks, when I said to STOP, he could take his helmet and go for a hour or so long bike ride. He would return in a much better mod. All the ugly words and angry outbursts stopped.

Now yes, I did divorce him. But that had a lot to do with the fact that he was cheating. But at least the ugly, angry outbursts had stopped.

Old dogs can be taught new tricks.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sometimes.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ah I find the idea that people can't control their outburst to be bull****. My stepfather used to do this to my Mom all the time. Funny if it was the 250 pound 6' 5 cop he never had an outburst. You know what kept him in line fear. I wish these people who behave like that would get put in the hospital once, maybe be left with a limp. The outburst would stop. This kind of thing is allowed to happen from childhood on never with any consequence. 

Sorry this is a tangent I know. This **** hits a nerve.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree that it's too late change how she interacts with him.
> 
> I shared what I did with my son.
> 
> ...


God spare us from ****ty people who you try to have a discussion with, while they need a whole hour to calm down right in the middle of it, just so they don't act like adult babies. Life is WAY WAY too short to waste time with such bull****. 

Half of the time that **** is just to control the conversation. It's not that they can't control themselves because they never do it if there is a real threat of danger. I bet if you pulled a gun on him he would stop yelling real fast. (no saying to do this). What it really is is a form of abuse by intimidation. It's a way to take control of the discussion.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP treat her like you would a 5 year old. Because that is her mentality. You need to get mentally strong though. Realize that this is all on her just like most good parents don't get bent out when their 5 year old acts out. Don't lose your cool just stay in a firm way, "If you are going to speak to me that way I am going to leave." If she continues get in your car and drive away. Even if you are out. Let her find a ride home. Don't be there when she does. If she starts up again say, "Until you start treating me with respect you are on your own." And mean it. If it is in the middle of an argument say "There is a way to stay that without the disrespectful tone, if you can't do that then this conversation is over." If she doesn't stop just leave her to her own devices. If you can't get away just ignore her and get on your phone or something. If she tries to talk to you again say. "First I would like you to apologize for the way you spoke to me." Frankly you should make her apologize every time she does it. Don't even talk to her until she does. Just like the little baby child she acts like.

My mom used to do this to my step-father and it drove him bonkers. He would end up making himself look like more of a jerk. In your case if you do that at least you won't be the one who looks stupid. I suspect that this is more about her controlling you through intimidation and fear of embarrassment. Once she sees that won't work and it actually backfires she may change her ways. Personally I would not be able to live with that ****.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> God spare us from ****ty people who you try to have a discussion with, while they need a whole hour to calm down right in the middle of it, just so they don't act like adult babies. Life is WAY WAY too short to waste time with such bull****.
> 
> Half of the time that **** is just to control the conversation. It's not that they can't control themselves because they never do it if there is a real threat of danger. I bet if you pulled a gun on him he would stop yelling real fast. (no saying to do this). What it really is is a form of abuse by intimidation. It's a way to take control of the discussion.


Yea, had I pulled a gun on him he would have stopped the angry outbursts immediately. But the next time he might just bring his gun too. 

Yes, it's a form of abuse by intimidation. But sometimes a person cannot just leave. Sometimes they have to find a way to be able to live in the same house with someone who acts like this. (Yes I could not leave, but this thread is not about me so I will not derail it with why.)

And yes, I know that you will reply to this post by insulting and attacking me more.


----------



## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

bob1471 said:


> Looking for advice on how best to deal rather than advice of whether I should bail or not. Bit of background - been married 25 years, two kids, one young.
> 
> Wife has got long term illness which makes things difficult for her. Shes constantly in pain so its difficult at times I get that. It makes her in not a great mood a lot of the time.
> 
> ...



Hi @bob1471

Thanks for your post.

Let me tell you, this is extremely close to home for me as I saw it happen all the time with close family members and it's so sad, because it has such a detrimental effect on all those who are surrounded by it. 

Yes, your wife needs to absolutely take responsibility for her behaviour. It's not good enough and she does need to be responsible and accountable for it. However, fundamentally it all stems from pain that she must be feeling at a very deep level (not just physically, but mainly emotionally). It could be a number of things but it's amazing what happens when human beings hold onto mental and emotional pain from a younger age. It compounds and compounds and and then as time goes by, the negative reaction gets quicker and creates more and more pain. 

Now in my own experience, my mother was someone that had so much frustration and anger that was built up from various experiences earlier in her life that she then used my father and me as a punching bag. My father would just tolerate it and, on the odd occasion, blow up and I would constantly fuel the fire by showing anger towards her. 

There are a lot of different schools of thought on how to handle it. Some would say that you need to fight fire with fire. Some would say that you should treat her like the 'child' that she is behaving like. But I believe in tackling this in a completely different way and that's from a place of love. 

In my own experience, when i've changed the way I look at things, the things I look at change. I'm not trying to get too spiritual or anything here but it's something I wholeheartedly believe in because my experiences have suggested so. When I decided to take a more compassionate view of my mother, her experiences, her pains, her regrets, frustrations etc, I then was able to view the situation completely different. As a result, my actions were different leading to a completely different quality of relationship. The relationship between her and my dad though hasn't changed much mainly because both of them have tolerated it. 

What is absolutely crucial here is that you set boundaries and standards for how you wish to be treated. As long as she knows that she can do this sort of thing without too many negative consequences, then she will continue to do so. It's really important for you to demonstrate your strength of character but without being aggressive or intimidating. In addition, when you take a more compassionate approach to your relationship, this will also help with 'breaking down her walls' of pain and helping her to open hear heart more. It's always hard to be 100% sure whether it will completely heal her because there's so many layers of complexity here but it's the right approach to take. 

Finally, we get what we tolerate in life. So the question for you is - what are you prepared to tolerate and what are the standards you set of yourself as well as the standards you wish others to live up to?

I hope that all makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Cheers


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, had I pulled a gun on him he would have stopped the angry outbursts immediately. But the next time he might just bring his gun too.
> 
> Yes, it's a form of abuse by intimidation. But sometimes a person cannot just leave. Sometimes they have to find a way to be able to live in the same house with someone who acts like this. (Yes I could not leave, but this thread is not about me so I will not derail it with why.)
> 
> And yes, I know that you will reply to this post by insulting and attacking me more.


I didn't mean for that to be a suggestion for how to deal with it. I just meant that they could control themselves if they really wanted to. I am not attacking you at all. If anything I feel tremendous sympathy with you because I totally remember how that is. I am sorry if it seemed that way. In no way was any of that directed at you, it was directed at the *******s who do that kind of stuff. I hate that with a passion. Again sorry if you got caught up in my tangent. 

Seriously.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

shrah25 said:


> Hi @bob1471
> 
> Thanks for your post.
> 
> ...


You are way too rational and thoughtful to post on here. /s Where did you come from :nerd:


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Buy the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, that should get you started.

I think this is one of those times when passive-aggression is your best friend. Just say, "I don't respond to that kind of behavior. You will have to try harder."

Then go away and make her beg for you.

My mother treats me the way your wife treats you. She calls me stupid. She'll ask me to help her with something she can 't do herself, usually related to the internet, but then gets impatient and verbally abusive.

I rarely call her. And I think she's smart enough not to ask me to do anything anymore. My repsonse would be "sorry, no can do. I'm stupid, I know this because you told me so."


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Question and a comment...

How long has she been like this, both the illness and talking to you like this? If the illness is recent and her speaking to you like that started around the same time, maybe more sympathy is needed. If, as another posted mentioned, she's been like this for 25 years, then yeah, nothing is going to change her.

However what you can do is two things. First immediately correct her. "That comment was unnecessary." "Don't talk to me like a child." "Talk to me when you have a better attitude/calm down/get your **** together." Second thing is to walk away. Put distance between the two of you. Calm yourself down and let her return to an even keel.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If she doesn't change with some of these suggestions. Look at exit stage right. "I'm not putting up with this any longer".

I get being in a bad mood here and there. But not constantly. My wife our I will call each other out when this happens.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Looking for advice on how best to deal rather than advice of whether I should bail or not. Bit of background - been married 25 years, two kids, one young.
> 
> Wife has got long term illness which makes things difficult for her. Shes constantly in pain so its difficult at times I get that. It makes her in not a great mood a lot of the time.
> 
> ...


Could you elaborate on the bolded?


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife was like this a few years ago when our kids were toddlers - she'd always be on me saying I did nothing right (feeding kids, changing kids, driving, et al), but if she had the kids by herself for a little bit, she'd be all over me saying the kids were driving her nuts. So she couldn't trust me to deal with the kids in the "right" way (i.e. her way), but she'd get mad when I wasn't there to help her, so I couldn't win either way. I never bit back trying to show her how a reasonable, mature adult is supposed to act - of course, it didn't work. It's when I started biting back at her that she improved - it's short-term pain and long-term gain.


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

bob1471 said:


> I think I need to stop exploding. Like I said I just end up looking bad... But I need to find a way to deal with it and do something each time to deal with. Hoping she'll get message eventually.


Don't think it; know it. In truth, this is the most important thing you've said. If you'll explode on her, you'll explode on other people. Not the image you want to project to others: a man who lacks self-control.

Pull yourself together: Force yourself to stop and think every time before speaking; consider what you plan to say, and evaluate whether it makes the situation any better and will it improve your marriage, on both short-time and long-term basis.

Establish a personal timeout with your wife; let her know that if arguments don't see resolution in a reasonable amount of time (30 min. to 1 hr.), you're taking off. Go for a walk, grab a beer at the local bar, whatever. Don't stay put and let a verbally abusive spouse lash out at you. Be firm and polite in every argument, and let her know there are limits and you'll want stand for her violating them. Respect yourself by being consistent.

Never ever retaliate in the argument; I know from experience it feels good. Just like your wife knows the intimate details on your weaknesses and trigger points, you know hers as well, at it's ever so tempting to launch the perfect comeback at the perfect time. Don't do it. This achieves nothing good, and only worsens things in the end.

If you must argue with the wife, don't do it in front of the kids. You should confront your wife on her worst behaviors (calling out every nasty remark might lead to claims that "she can't even talk to you", so weigh this carefully). But amid these discussions, assume some culpability. Successful marriages are one part humility, so humble yourself initially, and admit that your reactions were out of line; as you gain control, you won't have to address your past behavior. And as a follow-on point, address how she is speaking to you and how it makes you feel. See if that gets anywhere. If it doesn't, schedule marriage counseling right away. Sounds like both of you need help.

From my personal experience, I had this problem, and for a long time I told my wife that we desperately needed to see a counselor to improve our conflict resolution. She never went. As an alternative to getting help as a couple, I sought out counseling for myself and it actually helped. I independently saw a therapist and she me good ideas for managing conflict better in my home. I've gone for months without having a negative reaction with my wife.

My story doesn't end happily ever after just yet, and I believe this is good for you to know. If a couple is verbally abusive with each other, it takes both people recognizing the problem and working on it for a sustainable solution. My wife has yet to work on her problem, and like your wife, she justifies her behavior, Her verbal abuse continues. 

Just a few days ago, she was screaming at me, said she hated me, cussed me out, the whole nine yards. "Ouch", said the guy who thought she loved him. I didn't retaliate, which was good, but by holding my tongue, I'm coping with a situation that isn't good for any person to endure. Point being, if you get your anger in check, your wife will likely take aim at you with harsh words and you'll have to listen for a while, before removing yourself from the situation. In the end, the bad situation is still there if the wife doesn't work on her part of the problem, and it's still damaging. Getting her to counseling, having her recognize her problem, and establishing better communication is the next challenge, after you get your anger under control.

My final piece of advice is this: you, and you alone, are responsible for everything you do and say, even when you're instigated. You will be a better man by telling yourself that "exploding" is not an option. Just like physical violence is never ever an option in any situation where your life isn't threatened, the screaming and yelling isn't either.

Good luck!


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Instead of exploding, just playfully tease her about whatever she is bugging you about. This way you remain in control of your outbursts and are not giving her the response that she is trying to get.


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

This thread reminds me of certain arguments with my seemingly BPD ex-GF. 

At these times, it was trying to play chess with a pigeon. First, she knockes over all the pieces, defecates on the board and then strolls around like she's won the game.

Utterly useless, having discussions with people like that. So glad I'm rid of her.


----------



## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

bob1471 said:


> Looking for advice on how best to deal rather than advice of whether I should bail or not. Bit of background - been married 25 years, two kids, one young.
> 
> Wife has got long term illness which makes things difficult for her. Shes constantly in pain so its difficult at times I get that. It makes her in not a great mood a lot of the time.
> 
> ...


she will always be like this, her parents were like this, likely her father, and she learned it was OK, guess what, it isn't, and it she doesn't like your response, to ****ing bad for her. Here is the bottom line, she does this as a way of status grabbing, to make you beneath her to ensure your servitude as being your superior because you are a care giver, you have every right to be angry about it, stand up for yourself and to not have to tolerate this verbal and emotional abuse at all or anymore, if she doesn't like it, send her ass to the curb, she will either learn to respect you or she will go **** off and abuse someone else.


----------



## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Hello! I'm new to this, so hopefully I'm doing this right  Have you considered counseling? I know it sounds cliche, but it can help. I'm not just talking about marriage counseling, I'm talking about for yourself? It sounds like you may have an issue controlling your anger? I'm not saying that you don't have any right not to be mad, but it sounds like the way you are handling things is upsetting you? Maybe if you can talk to a therapist about everything going on they can help. It sounds like your wife if going through a lot physically, and you are understanding to that. That you both are not communicating effectively, which is hard especially if you're both ticked off. You've been together a long time, and that says something positive  Sometimes it helps to get another perspective (or none of us would be here) but a professional one in person maybe more helpful. Hopefully you can work it through. I have trouble when I get aggravated at my husband, not to get mad when I should take a deep breath and move away. We were married (our second) a year ago and after 2.5 years together we are still learning. Good luck to you


----------



## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

No reply from Bob and he posted a week ago.

I opened this thread because I am going though a similar experience.

My wife is not ill - but she speaks to me, at times - the way you describe. I suspect you have not told all - there is bound to be more - if she can get away with this, she probably does much worse.

And you have children of course. That is bound to weigh things in her favour. She may well create quite a fuss around the children - and you wont want them to see that - so you will tolerate the abuse to protect them from a scene. But sometimes you blow up and regret it. 

All the advice and strategies you have been advised of are all very well and good - but only you know whether any of them are actually workable in a household with chidren and a woman who may be prepared to go to quite some extreme lengths to prove a point. Walking away and giving her timeout might not be practical if she starts trashing the kitchen in front of the kids after you have walked out, alarming and traumatising them.

what you say here:

*I've asked her about it and she'll say something like "but yes you were being annoying doing this.*

That's almost word for word what I have heard from mine. why do you react like that I ask? Well you shouldnt do this or do that, or you shouldnt be a clown in front of our son, shouldnt use slang words, make silly jokes, remember to wash your hands after blah blah blah.

There is probably no answer to this beyond eventual divorce. Avoid the blow ups though. By all means try what people have suggested but I guess nothing will work. You may decide to go - but if she is as unbalanced and ill as you indicate - it would be better if you were around, for the kids' sake - and it sounds like she would not be prepared to separate and give you custody.

I disagree that you need any therapy - you are a quite normal chap and you get angry when insulted/abused - no need for therapy. Just develop some self control - bite or tighten your lip and avoid responding. She in fact needs therapy and a lot of it - but she would be unwilling to acknowledge she has any issues because of course - you are the idiot who doesnt listen when the kids talk - if you were not such a thoughtless jerk most of the time - she would never get angry and abuse you would she. Life would be just perfect.

My commisserations - from a fellow sufferer.


----------

