# Partial admission



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

A week ago I sent my husband an email letting him know that I continue to recieve confirmation of his infidelity (of which he has denied for 7 months). Later that day he started contacting our sons to discuss something with them. Keep in mind our sons range in age of 18 - 26. Anyway, the day after my email he sends me this long email stating that he has been dating for the past few months. At the advise of his attorney he only admits to dating after he was served with divorce papers. He is dating the woman that has been in question from day 1 seven months ago. He has blame shifted everything. Two of the three sons want nothing to do with him. His admitting his dating was the final piece of the puzzle. They feel that he has played me and them as fools and that he thinks we were not smart enough to see what he was doing. They realize that they have been lied to for seven months. The youngest son is on the fence. He knows the truth but is having a hard time accepting it. I have offered counseling to him but he refuses. In the next breath he says he doesn't care that his dad has cheated and lied. I told him that I found his statement to be disturbing but he said the reason he feels that way is because there is nothing he can do, his father's actions can not be undone. He states that he never wants to meet the other woman. I told my son that I understand his father's actions can not be undone but that he is going to have to come to terms that his father's actions were wrong and I would like to get help for him. Needless to say it has been a rough week. It's not that I didn't know what was happening, I guess it is just the confirmation of it all. My H has sent numerous emails blaming me for the way the boys feel and that I have destroyed the family. At first his blaming really got to me, but then I accepted the fact that he is never going to take responsiblity for anything. With all this said, I am not sure what advice I am looking for. I suppose I am wondering what all of you that have dealt with confirmation have felt and how did it affect your adult children?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Hey lonestar, sorry you are having such a bad time this past week. It really is hard to hear your story.

Do you mean you keep getting credit card statements, etc...? The "confirmation" you talked about?

Are all the kids at home with you/live close by? Mine is out of the house one year, but is always here for dinner/coffee----so yes she knows we are having some problems. Yes, it affects them so much! With you I think it is especially hard because it sounds like he has left the family home and you and the kids are there alone. Sorry I don't know all the details....

The problem is the emotional spectrum temperature is turned up very hot at times like this. I have heard you say before that you really feel that he treated all of you as "too stupid" to figure out he was lying and being unfaithful. While I know it feels like this, it is never the case. They are being selfish and not thinking at all. You really got to fight not to internalize this.

I think you can't force your kids to accept/do anything once they are grown. Well, you can---but they will resent you for it. And this is about helping everyone heal and feel whole again, right?

The best thing to do is try to honor their feelings but steer them away from blaming themselves or internalizing the negative fallout your WH has brought to their door. Don't commiserate and buy into your WH treating you poorly. That is on HIM, not you. 

Your kids need to see you not just survive, but thrive. It is the best gift you can give them. Your example. Please take care and go easy on yourself. You are dealing with a lot.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Confirmation comes from other sources, people that have seen him, people that he introduces her to, etc. 

Two of my boys live with me, the oldest is on his own. 

I do agree that I can not force my youngest to deal with or accept the situation. He is a senior in high school and I have been dealing with him not attending school and his grades are not good. He is also complaining of sleeping problems. He has seen a counselor in the past for panic attacks. That has been several years ago. I feel counseling is needed for several reasons, not just because of the divorce. My H says our situation has nothing to do with the problems with our youngest son. He says the kid is smart enough to know what he needs to do in school and he will be surprised if our son even graduates. Am I crazy to think that our divorce has a lot to do with my son's problems? Shouldn't I try to get my son help in hopes of correcting the school problems before it is too late? To help him with sleep problems?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Lone Star said:


> Confirmation comes from other sources, people that have seen him, people that he introduces her to, etc.
> 
> Two of my boys live with me, the oldest is on his own.
> 
> I do agree that I can not force my youngest to deal with or accept the situation. He is a senior in high school and I have been dealing with him not attending school and his grades are not good. He is also complaining of sleeping problems. He has seen a counselor in the past for panic attacks. That has been several years ago. I feel counseling is needed for several reasons, not just because of the divorce. My H says our situation has nothing to do with the problems with our youngest son. He says the kid is smart enough to know what he needs to do in school and he will be surprised if our son even graduates. Am I crazy to think that our divorce has a lot to do with my son's problems? Shouldn't I try to get my son help in hopes of correcting the school problems before it is too late? To help him with sleep problems?


No, lonestar, you are a good mom. I feel you are dealing with it the best you can. Your concern is not unfounded. Your H is just writing it off and you are left there picking up the mess. 

I went thru this with my DD in her senior year. She was skipping class, having problems sleeping, not doing homework, etc. When she had to make up a class by going to night school, it really wreaked havoc on her daytime HS schedule. She had to fight hard to finish HS. But now she has to make it up by going to junior college before she can get into university. She has really rallied and done the work, but I had to work hard to get her to make it happen.

Her consequences were tough---your son will have to play catch-up if he is checking out. Its ok, this happens. You are right to be concerned just maybe not force the counselor right now...But hold him to finishing his requirements for graduation. Don't back down from this. 

You may have to pick your battles on this one--and focus on his finishing and walking in the ceremony---a shining moment of fortitude and success for your son, don't let him flake this off. You are doing the right thing if you choose to focus on this. You will both be glad this was made a priority in the future.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Lonestar....I just mean that no matter what is happening in your life, you will never regret investing in your education, or the education of your children. 

And when life is just - well, almost IMPOSSIBLE in other areas, you can always choose to focus on the things that are beautiful and forever---like your son's future. Peace to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell your husband to only contact you through your attorney. If he needs to talk, tell him to talk to his cheatin' **.

If your son misses school take his car keys. Just because there are family troubles, it doesn't give him a pass.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks LWC & chapparal. I agree that my son should not get a pass. I know things are tough but it is important that he finishes school. My older son and myself are the ones pushing him to graduate. I will feel much better if I can get my son through graduation. That will take some of my worries off my mind. After everything that has happened I am blown away as to how little my H seems to care. I have no freakin idea who this man is, it is almost scary that I have spent 20 years with this man. Either I never really knew him or the person I knew is dead.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry Lone star for your position. 

Bad situation you are in.
I think your husband has started or atleast tried influencing your sons through his emails.
He is a lier. No doubt. When the cheaters say only kiss, it means full fledged sex. You can now only imagine what your husband has done.

When caught, the cheater should admit and not blame shift. In your case, he is not doing what is reasonably expected of him. Does he stay with you and family? Who is the OW? Did you consider exposing your H and OW?

Now that much damage has been done to family and the marriage, you should now focus on yourself and family. I am sure that you are undergoing anger, and emptiness at the same time. So, first consult a doctor. Eat and sleep well. 

While your children know that their mom and dad are not in a good relationship, try to keep them away from this matter. They will know when they should.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

My H lives in another state. His gf is single. My children have asked for answers from the beginning because their father tried to make them believe that the marriag was just over. No real reasons, but things like we are just room mates, your mother put a Christmas tree without me 20 years ago, your mother wanted to trade her car (but didn't) and a bunch of other stupid reasons. My sons are old enough to know what is happening to our family. They asked questions, I told the truth. Maybe I should not have told the truth, everyone has different opinions about that. Had my children been younger they more than likely would not have had the questions they had and I would not have given the answers I did. It's a mess but I am trying to keep my family together the best I can minus their father that left. I'm not perfect, I will never claim to be, but I can not tolerate the lies. I can not lay down and allow him to continue his lies or his blame shifting. My sons are my world and I want to get better so that I can continue to show my sons the love I have for them.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Ok, you told your children. They now know.

If your kids know this, they are likely to emotionally support you more than if they did not know. Better.

I understand your desparation to keep family together. Family will remain together (of course minus your H) for your love and affection. Believe me. It is the love that bonds.

In the same line of thought, do you think was love missing in your relationship? I get the feeling that things were not that good in your relationship. But this does not give him the licence to cheat around.

In any case, take care of yourself. See your doctor.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Things in our marriage had become boring. No fighting or anything like that. After nearly 20 years things are not always as fresh and new as they once were. Last summer things seemed to change for us. I fell in love with my husband all over again. We seemed to really enjoy each other and I thought things were wonderful. He lead me to believe he was very happy with the changes in our marriage. He was working out of state, I made a surprise visit and found another woman and three kids in his house. The next day he sent me packing with all these dumba$$ excuses. Things went down hill from there. He told me that had I not fallen in love with him all over again that we would not even be talking about divorce. At first I was in shock but then again I had seen signs of possible cheating or consideration of cheating. I quickly came to my senses and started investigating financial records, fb posts, anything I could get my hands on. As he realized what I was doing he removed me from bank accounts and refused me of viewing cell phone records. When given the choice between me and his 'friend' he chose her, all along swearing that she was just a friend. Things went very bad after that. I stopped communicating with him around Halloween and just recenlty had communication with him. I filed for a divorce in early December, no warning to him at all. Back to the 180 now.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Stay strong, dear, for yourself and kids. Physically and emotionally.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks AandU! I'm trying, most days I do ok but the last week has been hard. He is a delusional jerk and one day he will be nothing more than an old memory. I can't wait for that day!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> Thanks LWC & chapparal. I agree that my son should not get a pass. I know things are tough but it is important that he finishes school. My older son and myself are the ones pushing him to graduate. I will feel much better if I can get my son through graduation. That will take some of my worries off my mind. After everything that has happened I am blown away as to how little my H seems to care. I have no freakin idea who this man is, it is almost scary that I have spent 20 years with this man. Either I never really knew him or the person I knew is dead.


Think of all the polititians and other high profile men that have given up, risked everything and lost it. Its the same as any other addiction. They literally lose control over their own bodies. Then it all comes crashing down when the ormones settle down.

Thats why 97% of cheating relationships fail to go long term. Only 1 in 10 make it past two years.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Join a gym, workout regularly. When you feel down make an emergency run to the gym. The execises release chemicals that make physical and mental pain go away. Try weight lifting, its great and you don't have to run. Bleah

Buy some new clothes, new hairdo, nails etc. Diet too unless you're already down to skin and bones. And go out. LOL 

You're a Texan, like Gil Favor Said in Rawhide "Headem up, movem out!"

BTW, he ain't dead he's in a coma!


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

It would be easier if he were dead. My first husband died so I have been through that. Being dead means no more lying and cheating. I'm not saying that he should die, I'm just saying it would be easier if he did. 

All hail Clara Harris! The female dentist that ran over her cheating husband in a hotel parking lot in the Houston area some years ago! LOL I've been a guest in that hotel and I salute her when I walk through the front door. LOL


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