# Why does he do this ???



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

My husband asked for a divorce Labor Day weekend (doesn't love me anymore).....gave me hope that the marriage can be saved if I change my shortcomings....tried to pressure me into signing the decree.....I've found out about his EA F**kbook (that's the perfect name for it !!!!) and texting and finally signed it out of anger.....

Ever since I signed the divorce he's so sweet and nice, sometimes depressed and sad....

Today I came home and I saw some German treats on the counter and I thought my parent's package from Germany had arrived....but the stuff didn't look like anything I'd requested....

So I went to ask him if he went to the German store....he said yes.....

One of the treats was something none of the kids or he enjoys but is one of my favorites.....so I asked him why he bought that treat and he smiled and said "Because I know you like it" and when I tried to say something he said "I know you told me not to buy anything for you anymore, but...." and again he smiled all sweet and gave me a kind of shy look....

:scratchhead: WTF......???

Do you think of your ex and buy her something she likes even though she asked you not to, if you don't love her ????

I sure as hell wouldn't !!!!!!

Tonight we were talking about my college degree and I am still kind of undecided as to which degree to pursue.....

He asked "Where do you see yourself in 10 years ??? What house do you see yourself in ????" he meant like a trailer or a nice big house like his.....

I said "*This* house with *you* !!!!".....he kinda ignored it, but he didn't give me the "It's *over* !!!" attitude that I usually got from him.....

His whole behavior kills me....

I sometimes catch him how he watches me (like at dinner).....I gotta say I'm really looking good lately....maybe that's why :smthumbup: 

God.....why do I still love him so damn much ????

He is just like he used to be.....sweet, kind, fun.....nothing like the last 4-5 months.....

I just needed to rant.....I've got nobody else to talk to and had to get it off my chest.....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Be a fun & loving woman that he feels comfortable with, so you will become his best choice again.

By the way, don't say Fxxkbook anymore. He's divorced & he's your ex now, he's free to make friends. You signed it.

Respect that he's single now. He has a perfect right to make friends. Respect that he's friendly with you buying you treats because he still wants to come to see the kids from times to time. He doesn't want to fight with you. He wants to build a positive friendship with you because of the kids.

Family love & passionate love are quite different. 

Maybe you don't really get it now but you will get it after some years.

Your husband is a reasonable & friendly person.

When he came to visit, he'd brought some gifts for you & probably also some gifts for the kids first. He was being nice & friendly. He didn't ignore you but chatted with you to make you & kids feel comfortable. 

Then you talked about college & studies, he asked you some simple questions about your future. He's just being friendly.

His question has nothing to do that he wanted to rekindle with you.
His question has nothing to do that he still loves you.

He respected you because you're the mother of his kid. He knows you're studying, so he simply tried to find some good topics to make friendly conversations. 

So he asked you how you saw yourself after 10 years? 

He actually meant, "Are you going to make some differences after all this stuides? What is your plan? For example, will you move to a bigger house?"

You told him THIS HOUSE WITH YOU!

It's not a correct nor a respectful response. 

Of course he wouldn't say "No, I don't want to live in the house with you," for what? He didn't want to fight or argue with you. He's a very reasonable & polite man. He didn't even want to reply because it's totally out of the topic.

Your response really brought him lots of pressure. It's not easy to be your husband before, and not easy to be your ex now. From what you have done so far, you only earned minus points if you really want to make your ex fall back in love with you, you will need to change your attitude.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Be a fun & loving woman that he feels comfortable with, so you will become his best choice again.
> 
> By the way, don't say Fxxkbook. He's divorced & he's your ex now, he's free to make friends.
> 
> ...


No....he was sexting and F**kbooking before the divorce....

I don't see him do this kind of stuff anymore now.....kinda weird....

We don't fight in front of the kids....we don't fight period....

The only "fights" we had were while the divorce was in process....and it was only me fighting for the marriage....I didn't even fight him when I found out about his EA.....I just stated that I knew the facts...



> Of course he wouldn't say "NO, I don't want to live in the house with you after 10 years."


Yes, he would've.....the man that pushed for the divorce said all kinds of things like that.....that's why it's kind of odd to me that he noted but didn't respond.....and I know this question wasn't supposed to be about reconciliation....

His responds or no response where he would've not held back 4 months ago is weird.....

Btw....we're still living in the same house....

I can't afford my own place yet.....

Anyhow.....it kills me that he's the kind of guy again I married almost 11 years ago.....

He is/was (minus the last 4-5 months) a great guy and it seems like now (after the divorce) he is slowly figuring out that maybe there was/is still some love left for me.....

And it's just really hard for me to handle him right now....cause I want to throw myself at him, but.....we're divorced.....and I don't know if I read him right.....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Since you guys are living together, you can ask him. Why all these guessings?

"Do you prefer a positive friendship with me because of the kids or you think we can rekindle as a husband & wife?"


I think you will get his answer. Maybe he's waiting for you to move out.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

If his answer disappoints you, make sure you don't collapse.

The hardest part is because you still love him & you still find him very attractive. 

I feel you might want to start your new life, hanging out with friends or meeting some new friends. 

You're free to make friends as well. 

If he wants to rekindle, you can just throw yourself at him. LOL naked.


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## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

My sister went through her second divorce and recommended a book titled "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It was amazingly enlightening for me! It talks a great deal about abuse, however abuse comes in many forms, including mental and emotional. The author spent years counseling abusers as part of a rehabilitation program and has incredible insight into the workings of their minds. Whether the abuser is man or woman, violent or mental, this book is very helpful! I ordered it off of Amazon; you might consider buying your own copy. It is a quick and easy read and will give you amazing understanding into the game that is being played, how you are being drawn in and used, and how to determine if your spouse has actually changed or is just playing you. I am genuinely sorry you are going through this roller-coaster. I hope you find answers and peace soon. I know how things suck for me and I do not wish this kind of pain or confusion on anyone. Good luck finding your answers!


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Rome, My stbxh does these things all the time, he left almost a yr ago, he met someone, he has had the most bizzar behavior also, mabey it is because i never chased him begged him and he is confused, I figured if he wanted to leave then i wasnt going ot stop him I had no energy for his games, if he really wanted to be here he knew in the beginning he could have been here(not anymore) he just reciently left a cany bar on my counter that he knows I like, see the other day I talked to his sister in law, she called me to say happy new yr, and she said he went to his mothers the other day all sad and depressed and said to them he cant find a nice girl, omg he left me for another girl and I am sure she was nice and he screwed it up. he is so f ed up. 

I was having a dinner with my family last saturday and he called my son at 5:30 he must have heard people here, then 7:30 he called again, my son said mom I dont want to talk to him again i just talked to him, so he never got it, my sister was sitting near a window it was dark out and she said hey this car drove by 3 times stopped backed up to the driveway and then sped off, my driveway is very long you could see a car in it but not the make of it, and I live in a culdasack, I am sure it was him, they left and my son wanted to take a shower it was 8:30 and he called again, I wasnt about to answer it, he left a message as he always does, andrew pick up the phone, ok you must be getting ready for bed i will talk to tyou tomorrow, so 9 we get to bed, and quarter of 10 he friggin calls again, wtf, didnt get that either, and then 9am he was calling again, when usually he will wait until at least 10:30 on weekends to call, so see they are all alike, the grass isnt greener, I am kinda liking it as he put me through hell now its his turn, and like you said you look pretty good I also make sure I look hot when he comes over and I to catch him checking me out. cant wait till I have a guy around, its gonna kill him. his brother keeps saying it will to.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Since you guys are living together, you can ask him. Why all these guessings?
> 
> "Do you prefer a positive friendship with me because of the kids or you think we can rekindle as a husband & wife?"
> 
> ...


I'm scared to ask him because it is all just too recent still....

He knows I can't move out on my own, he would have to pay for it.....I don't have the money.....



> If his answer disappoints you, make sure you don't collapse.
> 
> The hardest part is because you still love him & you still find him very attractive.
> 
> ...


I do go and do things for myself....not with friends cause they all have family themselves, but on my own.....

Why does it all have to be so hard.....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

CaliMomof3 said:


> My sister went through her second divorce and recommended a book titled "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It was amazingly enlightening for me! It talks a great deal about abuse, however abuse comes in many forms, including mental and emotional. The author spent years counseling abusers as part of a rehabilitation program and has incredible insight into the workings of their minds. Whether the abuser is man or woman, violent or mental, this book is very helpful! I ordered it off of Amazon; you might consider buying your own copy. It is a quick and easy read and will give you amazing understanding into the game that is being played, how you are being drawn in and used, and how to determine if your spouse has actually changed or is just playing you. I am genuinely sorry you are going through this roller-coaster. I hope you find answers and peace soon. I know how things suck for me and I do not wish this kind of pain or confusion on anyone. Good luck finding your answers!


Thank you, I might have to look for that book....

Abuse sounds so horrible.....he's such a great guy (normally) I just can't see it.....but then again....I *never* he would cheat (EA) and divorce me either.....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

bellringer said:


> Rome, My stbxh does these things all the time, he left almost a yr ago, he met someone, he has had the most bizzar behavior also, mabey it is because i never chased him begged him and he is confused, I figured if he wanted to leave then i wasnt going ot stop him I had no energy for his games, if he really wanted to be here he knew in the beginning he could have been here(not anymore) he just reciently left a cany bar on my counter that he knows I like, see the other day I talked to his sister in law, she called me to say happy new yr, and she said he went to his mothers the other day all sad and depressed and said to them he cant find a nice girl, omg he left me for another girl and I am sure she was nice and he screwed it up. he is so f ed up.
> 
> I was having a dinner with my family last saturday and he called my son at 5:30 he must have heard people here, then 7:30 he called again, my son said mom I dont want to talk to him again i just talked to him, so he never got it, my sister was sitting near a window it was dark out and she said hey this car drove by 3 times stopped backed up to the driveway and then sped off, my driveway is very long you could see a car in it but not the make of it, and I live in a culdasack, I am sure it was him, they left and my son wanted to take a shower it was 8:30 and he called again, I wasnt about to answer it, he left a message as he always does, andrew pick up the phone, ok you must be getting ready for bed i will talk to tyou tomorrow, so 9 we get to bed, and quarter of 10 he friggin calls again, wtf, didnt get that either, and then 9am he was calling again, when usually he will wait until at least 10:30 on weekends to call, so see they are all alike, the grass isnt greener, I am kinda liking it as he put me through hell now its his turn, and like you said you look pretty good I also make sure I look hot when he comes over and I to catch him checking me out. cant wait till I have a guy around, its gonna kill him. his brother keeps saying it will to.


I want to say that he's already realizing that he's made a mistake.....

Unfortunately he's one that hardly ever admits to being wrong and rather makes the best (good relationship) out of a bad situation (our divorce).....instead of apologizing and asking for another chance.....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Last night he told me he was going to try to get different work hours....

He works nights (Thu, Fri, Sat and every other Sun....which would be the days I have the kids once I'm moved out one day)......and now he's trying to get to work days (Mon-Wed and every other Sun).....

I said "Why, so you can go out partying on Saturday nights ??"....he said "I'm not partying (he never was a party goer)!!! I want to be able to spend more time with the kids and for you to have more time to do school work...".

:scratchhead:

I also asked him if he got his mole on his head checked out yet, since it just appeared and his dad has skin cancer....

He said no, he will go maybe next week....

I said "I don't care what you say, but *I love you* and I don't want you to put this up until it's too late !!!!".....he just said "Yes, dear !!!"......which he used to call me when everything was good in our marriage.....

These little things are killing me.....

.....and the holding me at night (without trying to have sex !!!)....the smiles (so warm and loving).....the looks (deep and meaningful).....and.....and.....and.....

He just tried to feed me some candy he was eating and.....arrggghhh....it was just like in old times....flirty fun..... 

I wanna cry !!!!!!!

No word on the final divorce papers yet....no word on an apartment yet (he said he will pay my rent)......we haven't even told the kids yet.....but all this odd behavior of his.....

Where is the scream smiley ?????

:banghead:


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

He's not feeding you candy but you're feeding yourself candy.
You're the one keep telling him, "I love you," not him. You're not sure whether he put the divorce on hold...still, you have sex with him. For him, he knows you are very clingy to him and he's trying not to hurt you more since you and him already signed and the court's processing it.
He told you he wants to give you more time for school and willing to pay for the rent for you to move out. It's nice of him that he's trying his best to help you move on. He does have family love for you and kids but it's less likely he wants to fall back in love with you. 
You want to find out he put divorce on hold or not, then you can get a clear answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> He's not feeding you candy but you're feeding yourself candy.
> You're the one keep telling him, "I love you," not him. You're not sure whether he put the divorce on hold...still, you have sex with him.
> 
> You're right and I hate that about myself....I wish I could be tougher......
> ...





> he's trying not to hurt you more since you and him already signed and the court's processing it.


So he's having sex with me to not hurt me more too ???



> You want to find out he put divorce on hold or not, then you can get a clear answer.


I know....  ....I have to.....

I was kinda hoping he would give me the torn up divorce papers on my birthday though (12th).....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> So he's having sex with me to not hurt me more too ???
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I hope I'm totally wrong. I also hope your husband torn up divorce papers and he's falling back in love with you. Last, I hope the sex he had with you was a sign that he's falling back in love with you, not just a routine that he'd do.

If things turn out good, it worths all your guessings & confusions. 
If things go to the opposite way, you will have to stay strong, don't cry, scream, and collapse.

Wish you have a good result.

Keep posting, especially on 12


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I hope I'm totally wrong. I also hope your husband torn up divorce papers and he's falling back in love with you. Last, I hope the sex he had with you was a sign that he's falling back in love with you, not just a routine that he'd do.
> 
> If things turn out good, it worths all your guessings & confusions.
> If things go to the opposite way, you will have to stay strong, don't cry, scream, and collapse.
> ...


Bad thing is....I want to believe in the good in people.....

And he always has been a good person.....

What I don't understand....let's say he just wants the sex.....why is he holding my hand after....why is he holding me while going to sleep.....

Knowing that I would do almost anything to get him back he doesn't have to be nice to me.....

He could just have sex and roll over....I've signed the damn papers....he's got nothing to lose.....

And to be honest....if I would cause trouble he could have already kicked me out and gotten an apartment for me....he's got the money !!!!

And why wait to tell the kids then ???

All these things give me hope  !!!!

But looking at the distant hug and the affection only in bed makes me believe like all of you say that he's only in it for the free sex.....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

This you have to ask men. As far as I guessed, not all, but many wouldn't mind to hold a woman to sleep after fking her.
Sex sometimes doesn't mean love.
Sex is just sex. I could tell you even if a man gets a pretty, young & hot call-girl, he's no problem to hug her and probably fk her many times a night.
He could call for her accompany often but doesn't mean he wants to marry that call girl. 
Men still love romantic sex even it's paid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You might think your husband is falling back in love with you because he didn't kick you out of the house and tell kids about it.
Your husband never kicks women. So even he's divorced, he won't just kick.
He's trying to help you because he knows very well you're still clingy and you still love him.
His plan could be helping you to move on, making things easier for you to take.
Sex is always there once in a while. So he's holding you to sleep as always.
Not sure if he suddenly wanted to fk you all night, then it's very different.
If everything's just normal as a routine. He's sexual needs and your have sexual needs as well.
Of course, you can hope for the best that he's really falling back in love.
However, in my standard of love. This isn't love.
When a man loves me, he must love me with all his heart and life without bringing me a question about him.
It's how my husband loves me. He said he loves me much more than he can explain that he can even give away his life for me.
No insecurities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> This you have to ask men. As far as I guessed, not all, but many wouldn't mind to hold a woman to sleep after fking her.
> Sex sometimes doesn't mean love.
> Sex is just sex. I could tell you even if a man gets a pretty, young & hot call-girl, he's no problem to hug her and probably fk her many times a night.
> He could call for her accompany often but doesn't mean he wants to marry that call girl.
> ...


It's just odd to me since he hasn't done this (holding me at night with or without sex) for maybe 5 years !!!!!!

:scratchhead:

Kinda like he's afraid to lose me, to let go, even though he's made the decision....


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

ask him "what's up"......ask him what he wants now and in the future.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> You might think your husband is falling back in love with you because he didn't kick you out of the house and tell kids about it.
> Your husband never kicks women. So even he's divorced, he won't just kick.
> He's trying to help you because he knows very well you're still clingy and you still love him.
> His plan could be helping you to move on, making things easier for you to take.
> ...


He promised to get me an apartment and pay for it until I'm on my feet when he was dead set on divorcing me....he had this determined, cold (ice cold) demeanor then when talking about it.....

He has the money and could have done so already....I actually expected to be out already.....

We've agreed (it's in the decree) on him having the kids Mon-Wed and me having them the rest of the week when he's working....

Now he's changed his workdays to be able to spend more time with the kids and to give me time to work on my college  

He hasn't held me for about 5 years in bed......it just started after the whole divorce thing went down.....

And it's not just after sex....like this morning when he came to bed after work he just held me for nearly 3 hours.....

I feel like our relationship is better than it ever was now......we don't even argue about stuff anymore, because he doesn't have anything to argue about....the house is being kept up, I'm going to college and I'm getting a handle on the money.....slowly but surely....

It's almost like what our marriage should have been all along.....except for the outside the bedroom affections....I love you, hugs, kisses.....that's not happening (yet?)....

I'm thinking about focusing on myself and the kids mainly.....and trying to keep the relationship with my (ex?)husband more like a business relationship.....courteous, not loving.....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> ask him "what's up"......ask him what he wants now and in the future.


I will go to the court house and check the status first.....and then go from there.....

 Thanks !!!!


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