# The Shix Sandwich - No Thanks



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Conrad here.

Conrad owns his doubt.

Conrad skeptical about Janie's commitment.

2 nights ago - a conversation.

Janie offered 2-3 date nights a week while living in her apartment.

Ok

Conrad loves her. Conrad hoping she'll see she needs to work on herself.

Conrad accepts her offer - but he adds that he won't do it knowing that she'll be having 1 on 1's with her men.

She says "you can do it with women and I don't mind"

Conrad

Not what I want. Not fair to them. I want to build a life. I love myself enough now (after 30 years of codependency) to not lead anyone else on. Oh, I may get divorced sometime.. but you aren't #1. No deal. Not cool. Abuse of the people I'm with. I still hold a candle for you and no matter how great it goes, I won't be able to commit. Not fair to me or them.

We all know she gave an ex a massage. Conrad does not want that crap anymore. Does not want to take her crap. Totally not ok with that behavior.

She says she's unsure and doesn't trust Conrad.

Conrad still @50,000 feet.

Conrad believes in the power of love.

So, he asks for 6 months.

No 1 on 1's. For six stinking months.

Janie agrees.

Conrad sleeps well.

Yesterday, Janie contacts Conrad and says she's shaken and not wanting to "implement" right away. Needs time.

Conrad does not respond - but is not pleased.

Later in the day, Janie indicates she wants to shorten the duration of no 1 on 1's by 2 months.

Conrad tells Janie he is still afraid of her lack of commitment and has extreme issues with this request.

She wants to talk.

Conrad says he's not ok with it.

Eventually, Conrad goes over to Janie's apartment to talk and tells her he's no ok with violating the agreement.

Janie tells him she won't budge.

Conrad... finally..... detaches.

And he leaves.

Later, she texts him that she sees his fear and is willing to agree until Jan 15th.

Conrad tells her no deal and to fvck off.

It is time.

If Conrad isn't worth 2 months, what is the point?

Crumbs of commitment won't get it done.

Conrad now... finally... at age 50.... loves himself too much to eat another shix sandwich.

No thank you.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not ever.

Have your men Janie. If you could not understand my pain on Wednesday when I screamed at you loud enough to attract the cops and to (pass) get a field sobriety test... I'm not sure what else you need to know.

No, I'm not ok with your men... ex's and others.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not ever.

Goodbye my love.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

C, glad to see you're going to start taking care of yourself like you've advised many of us to do. Sorry for the conditions.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"m so sorry. For her, not you. You've done a good thing in standing up for yourself. 

It hurts greatly now, but if she does come to the table (soon, not months from now) and gives you 100% committment, please consider it.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm sorry that it has come to this but I think as much as you didn't want to, you saw the writing on the wall. You can not negotiate someone into changing. It has to be her choice, her idea, and she has to really want to do it for herself not for you. She has been very clear all along changing was not her priority. She doesn't think she needs to. It's time to put some of your fantastic advice to use on you. You know I feel your pain Conrad. I'm praying for you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cantmove said:


> I'm sorry that it has come to this but I think as much as you didn't want to, you saw the writing on the wall. You can not negotiate someone into changing. It has to be her choice, her idea, and she has to really want to do it for herself not for you. She has been very clear all along changing was not her priority. She doesn't think she needs to. It's time to put some of your fantastic advice to use on you. You know I feel your pain Conrad. I'm praying for you.


I am weeping bitter tears.

I even agreed to give up my safe friends.

Still not enough.

Nothing will be enough.

I see it now.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Your a good man Conrad...in the game of love, good men unfortunatly don't always end up first...but for once, you are number one in your own heart, and that is all that really matters now isn't it?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Hang in man -- from all the threads that I read you by far are the most patient individual.

Take care of yourself -- like you said -- you love yourself -- just make sure you like yourself as well.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

deejov said:


> I"m so sorry. For her, not you. You've done a good thing in standing up for yourself.
> 
> It hurts greatly now, but if she does come to the table (soon, not months from now) and gives you 100% committment, please consider it.


I don't think she knows how.

As much as she may wish for her compass to point north, it points south.

Every failed attempt begins gloriously and degenerates into her digging into my correspondence and her demands.

Nothing I do can make her happy.

I know this.

She doesn't.

She thinks control will make her feel secure.

It won't.

If she had only set me free to love her like I do.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Set yourself free. The fact that you were willing to give up your safe friends is telling about where you are. You can't bargain your way through this. That is equivilent to selling your soul. I know I've been doing it. Nothing you do or offer will ever be enough because it's not about you. It's about her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cantmove said:


> Set yourself free. The fact that you were willing to give up your safe friends is telling about where you are. You can't bargain your way through this. That is equivilent to selling your soul. I know I've been doing it. Nothing you do or offer will ever be enough because it's not about you. It's about her.


When we agreed the night before last, I knew this was "it".

We have so much fun together. I was going to take her on vacations and just ignore all the rest.

She can kiss my ass.

2 months!

Yes... I was to give them up for six months of her giving up her men (but only in person)

I guess they make her secure.

Go with it.

My old buddy UpnDown woke me up.

He told me I was just "one of" her men.

He was right.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Now you have to stay strong. She will try to make offers when you start to detach. But you know she won't make good on them.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cantmove said:


> Now you have to stay strong. She will try to make offers when you start to detach. But you know she won't make good on them.


She can kiss my ass.

I am ice.

She has never seen no contact like this.

You saw what I said.

Look, I'm a pharmacist.

We were out Wednesday night.

We had a couple of shots and a few beers.

When she started to demand "no contact" for my friends after 6 years of her men, I did not follow my advice.

I did not tell her I was not ok with it.

I started screaming - while we were riding the motorcycle.

She said I was putting women ahead of our marriage!

The cops HEARD ME and pulled me over.

I got a field sobriety test.

Now, Conrad is a good German. I passed. If someone had me "blow", I likely would have been above .08

Here's the issue.

She SAW and HEARD my pain. She saw law enforcement get involved with my pain.

And, she wants to SHORTEN her negotiated interval where she can have 1 on 1's with men?

She can kiss my ass.... in the middle of downtown.... with photographs.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Oh Conrad Im so sorry I truly feel your pain right now, but it sounds like it may be for the best... you deserve to be someones one and only not one of her many... Hugs for you Conrad


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

It's really unfortunate she has to be so selfish and simply cannot make up her mind (even if it doesn't involve you).

Good on you for not giving in, you did way more than you should have and it still was not going to be enough, it will never be enough.

Even through all of what you have shared with us in the last week, you still exude so much more strength than most of us combined.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Sorry my man. 

I am glad your perception has changed. I am glad you love yourself enough to not put yourself through this anymore.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stages when you face any loss:

1) Denial - this is the state of shock, numbness, panic and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality.

2) Anger - When we quit denying our loss, we move into the next stage: anger. 

3) Bargaining - After we have calmed down we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person or God. If we do such and such or if someone does this or that, then we won't have to suffer the loss.

4) Depression - When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted from our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed. This is the essence of grief: mourning at it's fullest.

5) Acceptance - This is it. After we've closed our eyes, kicked, screamed, negotiated and finally felt the pain, we arrive at a state of acceptance. We are at peace. We are free to go, free to stay, free to make whatever decisions need to be made. It is almost void of feelings as if the pain is gone, the struggle is over. 

I don't know where you are in this and yes you can waffle between the stages. Many even choose to stay or go back to denial just so they don't have to lose someone and that's okay. Everyone has their own path to take. Just know whatever you decide to do we are here for you.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I only wish i had your strength and hope one day i will respect myself as much as you have learned do to stand up for myself. 

I pray your heart will heal quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She has texted 3 times this am.

I'm not responding.

No friggin way.

She wants a deal.

Window is closed.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Stay strong Conrad, I know how hard it is... but stay strong


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

unsure78 said:


> Stay strong Conrad, I know how hard it is... but stay strong


When she finally realized where I was (finished) last night, she wanted to go back the the original deal.

Too late.

I've told Script the way you know if someone is sincere is if they don't backtrack.

Glad I told him, or I may have forgotten.

I'm not bargaining for crumbs of love or commitment.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I only wish i had your strength and hope one day i will respect myself as much as you have learned do to stand up for myself.
> 
> I pray your heart will heal quickly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Conrad, 

This is all a game to her (you know this). Once she gets you to agree on working on things she starts taking her offer of no contact off the table. She perceives weakness and wants to cut a better deal for herself. Here's the thing ... She wants to keep contact with these men more than she wants to be with you. Otherwise why would she even be thinking about this in the middle of a reconciliation campaign. 

Sorry brother. But I think you will be better off without her. Stay strong.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lifescript said:


> Conrad,
> 
> This is all a game to her (you know this). Once she gets you to agree on working on things she starts taking her offer of no contact off the table. She perceives weakness and wants to cut a better deal for herself. Here's the thing ... She wants to keep contact with these men more than she wants to be with you. Otherwise why would she even be thinking about this in the middle of a reconciliation campaign.
> 
> Sorry brother. But I think you will be better off without her. Stay strong.


Script,

Seriously dude.

She invited an ex to her apartment for 4th of July.

It was her, him and her kids.

In other words, he was standing in for me.

She insists it wasn't to be that way. His daughter was supposed to come. Her daughter was invited with my grandson. Ok, I get it. Whatever. That's likely all true.

She said it made her feel weird. I suppose that's progress. Of course he should not have been there. So, the answer is to give him a massage?

And, then applaud herself for her honesty because she told me about it?

I told her not to make a habit of stuff like that and that I didn't like it. A bit too weak, but the point was made.

When she caught me in a fib... and I was concealing some things from her, she goes bonkers. Separate life. No contact. etc.

Says I'm not honest and open and that my agreement was b.s.

Says I'm to have no contact with female friends.

That's when I lost it.

6 years of this stuff.

So..... we have this tentative bargain to work together than includes no 1 on 1's (OR HOLIDAY CELEBRATIONS) with ex's (or other men) for 6 months.

I wasn't even worth that.

She had to try to shorten that interval.

Fvck her.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

from all of your posts i've read, you must be so emotionally exhausted. she seems so up and down, do as i say not as i do. it's like you never can be sure what "version" of her you will get on any given day. i can understand during separation both parties can be confused as to what they want, but it kinda seems like she's just f*cking with your head. i don't know her personally, but it just all seems so childish and game like from her end.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She has no respect for you. Almost NONE but enough to keep you interested. A truly manipulative, attractive and selfish woman.

Find attraction elsewhere Conrad. It's your ticket to freedom. You're trapped by your sexually motivated obsession with this woman. You need an 'upgrade'.

You've given me a lot of advice and I take every one of them to heart. 

Here's my suggestion to you (as a younger guy who socializes a lot these days):

Take your social interactions with other women to a new level and be sexual. Find physically attractive friends and use your charm on them. Their feedback will be your escape from this bullsh** deal your wife is offering and taking-back as she pleases.

Tell your wife to f*** off.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

synthetic,

Go get me some lumber.

I will bare my ass and submit.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

synthetic said:


> ...


Canadian even!

You stud.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Conrad, 

You help so many of us here and I feel sometimes we forget you are going through your own nightmare. How you doing brother? Any update?


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