# When do I give up?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm so disheartened and don't know what to do. H and I have been married 10 years, have 2 kids (ages 2 and 8) and we've always been so good together. It's been so effortless for the 13 years we've been together. He had an EA 4 years ago, we moved past it, had another kid, and we were doing great. Then, I started to feel different last year. My needs just weren't being met. He was a workaholic and making no time for me. I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore, and I was making the mistake of bringing up his past mistake. Sad on both of our parts. So we say, again, that we will work on spending time together and everything, and then things go downward again. 

So around Thanksgiving, I find him talking to an ex gf in his truck in the middle of the night and she'd been commenting all over his facebook, made me uncomfortable. We fought like crazy, said a lot of things, and basically he wouldn't commit to working on us because he always thought his past mistakes would be brought up, etc. Well, I basically threw our vows in his face, and then next day he was all in. We read the 5 Love Languages and were really learning to love each other. It was a blissful 3 weeks. Then he went out of town for a week, to his hometown, where the ex lives (to visit his guy friends). I was insecure, we got into a fight while he was there. He came back and things just blew up. It was ugly. We fought and I cried for over a week. It culminated with him saying he couldn't handle it and he wanted to leave. He didn't, he fell asleep that night, and then the next night took me out on a date and everything seemed fine. 

The problem is that I feel like I'm reading all this advice and these marriage books and willing to do anything to get back to the place we were before the trip, and he's not willing. He says he jumped in without a parachute and everything blew up in his face last time. So now he's afraid to jump in. So he's taking baby steps. Which leave me feeling completely unloved. I'm trying to not have a lot of expectations, but I keep feeling hurt. I bring it up and we fight and he says he'd rather not things get worse and we just call it quits amicably. I don't understand why he won't fight, but he says he doesn't want to fail. I've rationalized and begged him to go to a counselor, but he won't. And before you go there, no, he's not involved with the ex gf, and he doesn't talk to her about our problems. I trust him in that. 

What do I do? I'd love to do that whole 180 thing, but all I can do is mope around.  Help!


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I wish I could tell you a good plan but I do have a good ear and a mind in deep need of distraction. I hope someone here has something good to offer


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Anyone? We got into a big fight last night. I think we're at the breaking point. I don't even know if we'll be able to recover. I lost it and yelled at him about being all in or all out. He feels like I'm always pointing out his failure to meet my needs and he feels like no matter what he tries I'm not happy. My moping around makes him feel down and defeated. He just feels defeated. 

I, on the other hand, don't see him trying. I'm not trying to belittle him or anything, but I feel like I'm hanging. He says it's baby steps, but I don't see anything. He won't go to a marriage counselor, he won't even talk to his parents about it (although I have talked to his mom). He's afraid to jump in with both feet or even work on recovering and then 6 months down the road it falls apart again. I wrote him a letter and asked him why he hadn't responded and he got pissed saying he's always on a timeline. Grrr. I can't handle this. I want us so bad, but I feel like I should let go!


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## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

I think I understand the situation you guys are going through. My wife and I are going through tough times because I have serious problems with our relationship, but I don't feel like I can share my feelings with her because of her own issues. I WANT to make things better, but I don't feel emotionally safe in sharing these things with her.

The point is he might really be making baby steps, they're just too small to notice because he's trying to test the waters. These steps might seem insignificant to you, but to him it could be a really big deal in exposing himself in such a way. My advice is to be patient with him, and keep encouraging him to open up. If he sees that you truly want to make an effort, that you respect his feelings, and that you are willing to forgive, things may turn around. This may be hard to do, but fixing marriages are difficult. Not impossible.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Vienna11 said:


> I think I understand the situation you guys are going through. My wife and I are going through tough times because I have serious problems with our relationship, but I don't feel like I can share my feelings with her because of her own issues. I WANT to make things better, but I don't feel emotionally safe in sharing these things with her.
> 
> The point is he might really be making baby steps, they're just too small to notice because he's trying to test the waters. These steps might seem insignificant to you, but to him it could be a really big deal in exposing himself in such a way. My advice is to be patient with him, and keep encouraging him to open up. If he sees that you truly want to make an effort, that you respect his feelings, and that you are willing to forgive, things may turn around. This may be hard to do, but fixing marriages are difficult. Not impossible.


Thanks, I think you're right. I went out last night when he got home, stayed out later than he probably expected, and he acted sad when I got home (even though I know he was glad I got out of the house and he didn't have to look at my sad face). It's too much for me to handle, just being in the same room as him and not knowing how to act. I went to bed and then started texting him to see if he'd communicate. Telling him I don't know how to act or what to say. It was all about him saying he couldn't do this anymore, he was emotionally shredded and afraid to try to act like things were fine or show any affection towards me, because after a few days we'd have another big fight. I asked him if that meant our marriage was over and he said he didn't say that. Then I asked if we should take a break from each other and he didn't answer that. I just don't know how to act. He comes in here to go to sleep, doesn't touch me. His alarm clock is going off and he's sleeping so I lay my leg against him just to feel him and he rolls over. He gets up, I go to make our daughter oatmeal, and he comes in and pecks me on my head and says "have a good day" and leaves. He knows I was in tears. It sucks.


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