# "other half" side steps sex but uses her dildo. confused



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

OK, my issues in this relationship go back a long ways. We are not married but been together 12yrs with two kids. We have had a really screwy relationship. Neither are cheating (for now). We had been seeing a therapist but I quit going because I am tired of wasting my money when she just won't change. 

Regarding today's events, I sort of worked it to where we would have a little free time and asked her to go take a shower after me and we could fool around. She made excuses like "I need to get to the store, etc". After her shower, she proceeded to do her toe nails and ask me when I was supposed to go do xxxxx (I had business later in the day). I realized she was just trying to burn time and I told her she got what she wanted, I will leave so you can get Bob out (her toy). She denied it. 

Sure as ****, when I got back, she had used Bob. I am ****ing furious and ready to kick her ass out yesterday. I am tired of being neglected constantly. 

Probably sex 8x in the last year. She does not touch me, kiss me, hug me, nada. Total cold *****. Before people jump on the bandwagon, realize that she has explained her concerns in the relationship and I have worked very hard. Her however, totally different. No change at ALL. 

I am feeling this as the final sign. 

By the way, should I mention I know about Bob being used today? I want to throw it at her hard.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, tell her you know. Tell her how hurt you are, how rejected you feel and how devastating this is. Tell her the relationship is not improving so it's time to discuss ending it.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Your going to have to talk to her about the toys....toys are supposed to enhance not replace. What she is doing is just laziness. Its easy selfish sex....I would tell her if you wanted a roommate .... you could have that with a buddy of yours. If you wanted a house cleaner or cook you could hire a maid....what you want is a wife! Wife means taking care of each others emotional and sexual needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

This type of thing has happened to me, too, and it's nothing but a kick in the nuts. Makes you feel like crap.

My suggestion is to definitely tell her, BUT not in an accusatory way. Tell her how it makes you feel, without making HER feel like crap in the process. That just won't solve anything.

From what little advice I got on this very subject (can't remember if it was here, or if I asked a friend, and/or internet "research") it's this:

Using a vibrator/dildo is not at all the same as having actual sex, and sometimes it's just preferred. It can be quicker, it's less messy, there's no fuss involved, and very little effort. I don't think it's something most women tend to just do, either, there's usually some planning involved, or at least looking forward. Much like sex.

So if your gf had it in her head that as soon as she was alone, she was going to attack that thing, and get off in 3 minutes, then go about her day, then it was a losing battle to begin with.

It's still not cool, and frankly, she should have changed her "plans", given that you both obviously had an urge at the same time. Lots of wives or gf's would have taken that as the alternative, lots of them clearly don't.

It's still a kick in the nuts, but imo, it shouldn't be the final straw. Tell her how you feel about that (if she can get past the fact that you "checked"... good luck there), but also guage her reaction. If she's totally unapologetic about it, then you have some major issues. If you find she's empathetic, then that's a good sign.

I'd be interested to hear how you play this out, if you're comfortable giving us an update if/when you talk to her. As I said, this has happened to me (didn't confront her about it til many months later, and she empathized, and as far as I know, it hasn't happened again.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Next time rub a freshly sliced habanero on it before you leave. Kidding, just kidding.

This situation would be cause for great concern for me. If she is masturbating, she clearly has desire. Just not for you. Perhaps she denies you sex as a control device. Maybe it is to be cruel and vindictive. Could be that there is fundamental damage to the relationship that makes physical intimacy with you undesirable. In any case, it has to be addressed directly and soon. 

Here's the thing. You're pissed (I would be too.). While a agree that you should confront her on this, cool off first. This has to be a calm, rational discussion. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Don't let her push your buttons. Tell her in a matter-of-fact manner that you will not remain in a marriage that lacks sex and physical intimacy. I would give her one last chance at counseling, but make sure she understands that there won't be another. Either you see meaningful effort on her part or you will pursue a dissolution of the marriage. 

I would also tell her specifically what you need. Frequency, type of sex, who initiates, etc. Let her know what the long haul is going to look like. 

Don't cheat. Don't lose your integrity. You will be much better off ending the marriage in an honorable fashion than becoming a low life.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Next time rub a freshly sliced habanero on it before you leave. Kidding, just kidding.


OMG don't even kid!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you investigated your wife? Maybe "bob" isn't the only one getting some action. Kust maybe it time to do some research and see whats really going on.

I would quitely looking to phone/text logs and emails and social websites.

There might be someone else that she only gets to see once a month or even less. an affair that happen very rarely...hell it could be an emotional affair and not having sex with you just might be a way of staying faithful to her new boyfriend. But since she or Om can get away as often as they would like she has "bob" to replace both you and the absence of her affair partner.

Hell I could be way off and she is just fantasizing about the security guard at her work or she switched teams.....

What the hell do I know...

I still would go all James Bond on her @ss and find out whats what.

If your going to bail on the marriage at least find out what the facts are by getting more intel.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Does she orgasm regularly when you do have sex?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It would interesting to see if a certain phone number in the call/text log matched with her breaking "bob' out!

Even her search history on her computer might have a coilation with her time with "bob"....


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: "other half" side steps sex but uses her dildo. confused*



Anon Pink said:


> OMG don't even kid!!!!!


It's horrible! Had some hot peppers from our garden she cut up to freeze. Washed her hands about ten times and thought it was gone. She touched me that night. My penis burned for a day. I can only imagine how bad it would be for a woman.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Happy/sad to report that I believe it is over. We are going to see the therapist tomorrow to talk about ending it. I am sad, she is not, I should not be even close to surprised. 

Feeling very ****ty at the moment.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are your children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Happy/sad to report that I believe it is over. We are going to see the therapist tomorrow to talk about ending it. I am sad, she is not, I should not be even close to surprised.
> 
> Feeling very ****ty at the moment.


Sorry to hear this Bob. I wish you well - Horizon.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Kids are 3 and 11. I never wanted to raise kids in a broken home and tried to do what I could but I just deserve more than what I get. She has a hard time communicating and showing affection. She had a verbally abusing step dad so I guess if I ever bark for whatever reason, she has issue with it. Bottom line is I cannot change her and there are certain things I cannot change about myself. I am just an idiot for allowing it to continue. All she is worried about is if "we will co-parent well". I am worried about losing a life partner and she is worried about co-parenting. Different wavelengths....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Any particular reason you're not married? No judgment, and if both of you agree on this then it's fine, but a lot of women will start to resent this. Good enough to live with, have kids with, etc just not good enough to marry. They won't necessarily tell you for fear of nagging you into it. Please don't say it's just a piece of paper and you have marriage issues; I want to know how SHE feels about not being married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

It became an issue several years ago and I put an engagement ring on her. She later took it off one day without saying a word. Things went downhill from there. 

yeah, i do have some issue with the paper part of marriage. About the part that includes the gov't. I feel standing before God and witnesses is all we need. 

Regardless, I feel she just wanted to be "married" but no clue what that is because not one person in her whole family can stay married. It has been a ridiculous roller coaster. with her. Even the therapist is baffled and told her straight up, no one man would put up with her ****. She gives zero attention to me and tells me it is my job to make myself happy

I can take some blame but I am having a hard time shouldering much because the last year I have tried, she has not, at all...


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

One thing that confuses me is only a couple weeks ago she arranged for a babysitter so we could have a night out! Does that sound like someone that is done? These are the types of mixed signals I cannot stand anymore. I don't want to go out with my "ex" if we are there already.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Next time rub a freshly sliced habanero on it before you leave. Kidding, just kidding.


Ben-Gay or Icy Hot would also work just as well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> One thing that confuses me is only a couple weeks ago she arranged for a babysitter so we could have a night out! Does that sound like someone that is done? These are the types of mixed signals I cannot stand anymore. I don't want to go out with my "ex" if we are there already.


No, it doesn't sound like someone who is done and it is a mixed signal. But it doesn't really matter because the bulk of her behavior sends the signal that is undeniable, "it isn't happening." 

It's not just that sex isn't happening. Her desire to make the relationship better-by doing some uncomfortable self reflection and making some real effort- is not happening.

You will always get what you have always had from her until you make your boundaries HARD. Maybe once she sees you are serious, that you cannot nor will not live in such a lopsided dysfunctional relationship, she will change. But as long as thing remain the same, they will remain the same.

Maybe once discussion to split up starts she will see the light, maybe she won't. But as long as you put up with her behavior, she will continue to show it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Even the therapist is baffled and told her straight up, no one man would put up with her ****. She gives zero attention to me and tells me it is my job to make myself happy
> 
> I can take some blame but I am having a hard time shouldering much because the last year I have tried, she has not, at all...



So:


You are not married.

You are in or are near a sexless marriage, with no kisses or hugs even.

You have both tried therapy and it got nowhere.

What is keeping you in this relationship?

Hate to sound pessimistic, but there is no easy way out here. Other than simply tolerating the situation for several more years, it sounds like you don't really have options left other than to do a 180 and move out. She might change then, she might not, but you need to concentrate on you. Heck, she even told you herself - it's your job to make yourself happy!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I must have missed that you are not married. Does your area recognize common law marriage? 

I understand that a breakup is not what you want, but if she is completely unwilling to work on this issue it may be the only way for you to be happy. Don't worry about the kids. No one has a perfect childhood. Split homes are so prevalent now that there is no real stigma associated with it anymore. The longer you stay together without any satisfactory change in this issue, the more the resentment will grow and the kids will suffer from that. You can still raise them to be happy and healthy of you split up.

One thing, have you ever asked her if there was sexual abuse in her past? A woman who has sexual desires may be so afraid to trust a man sexually that the only way she feels comfortable having a sexual experience is to masturbate. 

Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe she took it off because she knew you didn't really want it. That's what I would do, and I wouldn't say a word about it either. As far as govt involvement, they're involved in every aspect of your life already. Why is marriage different? I would bet there is underlying resentment related to this. Maybe worth exploring with a counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

It sounds like she has commitment and intimacy issues, which may stem from her past issues with her step dad or anything else that may have happened in her past.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> tells me it is my job to make myself happy


This part I agree with. We are each responsible for putting ourselves in a situation that makes us happy. It's a wonderful feeling to share happiness with people you love. 

In this case, if she's not willing to work on the relationship with you, that 'happiness' place may not include her.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Was your sex life always like this?

What her reason for not wanting an intmate relationship with you?


I just went through this very same thing and it ended with me leaving.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You should make yourself happy....with another woman. She is wasting your precious time.


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