# Made decision but now I don't know. . .



## losthusbandneedshelp (Sep 1, 2012)

My wife and I made the decision to divorce a few weeks ago but after finding out she is already having an emotional affair with someone I know I'm starting to regret letting her go. 

We both have our separate issues but my main issue, and the one that is most responsible for causing our distance, is that I have a really tough time conveying emotions to her. She has told me time and again she doesn't care about how much $ I make or what things I can buy her, she just wants me. After 2 years of saying the same thing we both realized we were living as roommates basically. I still love her and I think I could be in-love with her again but how can I even begin to broach the subject of reconciliation when she is already seeking other partners when we are still married? My paranoia level is through the roof and I just want to know if it is even a good idea to try and let her know that I just want to hold her and make all this garbage go away. She fought for 2 years to get me to be emotionally available and I realize I never even stepped in the ring so is it right for me to say I want a divorce and then when faced with the prospect of losing her to another man I change my mind?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

losthusbandneedshelp said:


> My wife and I made the decision to divorce a few weeks ago but after finding out she is already having an emotional affair with someone I know I'm starting to regret letting her go.
> 
> We both have our separate issues but my main issue, and the one that is most responsible for causing our distance, is that I have a really tough time conveying emotions to her. She has told me time and again she doesn't care about how much $ I make or what things I can buy her, she just wants me. After 2 years of saying the same thing we both realized we were living as roommates basically. I still love her and I think I could be in-love with her again but how can I even begin to broach the subject of reconciliation when she is already seeking other partners when we are still married? My paranoia level is through the roof and I just want to know if it is even a good idea to try and let her know that I just want to hold her and make all this garbage go away. She fought for 2 years to get me to be emotionally available and I realize I never even stepped in the ring so is it right for me to say I want a divorce and then when faced with the prospect of losing her to another man I change my mind?


Hi Lost. I think your confusion is quite natural. Divorce is a life-altering decision. It would be odd if you weren't having second thoughts.

Was this a mutual decision? Are you still living together? Have you had any counselling, either individual (IC) or marriage (MC)?

Check out the 180 (you can search the site). I think it will give you some guidance. Implement it for yourself, not to try and get her back. It will help you to become stronger so that whatever happens, you will be able to deal with it better. When she sees the strong, confident man the 180 will help you to become, she may change her mind. Bu, as I said, do it for you not her.

Good luck. Keep posting here. There are lots of great people who can support you and give you advice.


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## losthusbandneedshelp (Sep 1, 2012)

The idea was floating around in both our heads but I was the one to finally say the words. We are still living together but now that she has this EA going on it's harder for me to deal with her being around me. I'm so paranoid I have to physically restrain myself from checking our cell phone account to see how many times she is texting OM.

We did MC for about 6 or 7 sessions and it did seem to help but at the time I wasn't really fighting for the marriage so things would simply go back to the normal routine after a few days. I started IC but it will obviously take a long time for me to get right and I just don't know if she can wait any longer.

I'll check out the 180 and give it some serious attention, maybe even suggest it to her to check out because she openly admits she has a pretty messed up head. 

Thanks for the advice, it really is nice to have a place I can vent. Wish I had started this a long time ago instead of walling myself off from reality.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

losthusbandneedshelp said:


> The idea was floating around in both our heads but I was the one to finally say the words. We are still living together but now that she has this EA going on it's harder for me to deal with her being around me. I'm so paranoid I have to physically restrain myself from checking our cell phone account to see how many times she is texting OM.
> 
> We did MC for about 6 or 7 sessions and it did seem to help but at the time I wasn't really fighting for the marriage so things would simply go back to the normal routine after a few days. I started IC but it will obviously take a long time for me to get right and I just don't know if she can wait any longer.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure I would tell her about the 180. You don't want her saying things like, "You're just doing the 180". It might be best if she just sees the changes in you as changes and not what she views as strategies. 

Can you suggest MC again, letting her know that you weren't really trying before, but are absolutely willing now? You can even approach it as wanting to 'wrap' things up on a positive note so that you don't repeat the same mistakes in future relationships. That may hook her in.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Before planning an attack method on how your going to get her back, you should figure out why. Are you acting on jealousy now that you see her in a new relationship, or was the EA an eye opener for you?

Remember, not to long ago you were fine with a divorce.


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## losthusbandneedshelp (Sep 1, 2012)

jdlash said:


> Before planning an attack method on how your going to get her back, you should figure out why. Are you acting on jealousy now that you see her in a new relationship, or was the EA an eye opener for you?
> 
> Remember, not to long ago you were fine with a divorce.


I truly felt the walls come down when she admitted to the EA. I'd be lying if I didn't feel a pang of jealousy when she told me she has already kissed him once. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like if I tell her I want her back she will just see it as a jealousy move because of the EA and not that I want to try one last time to save our marriage. I need a sign. . .


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

losthusbandneedshelp said:


> I truly felt the walls come down when she admitted to the EA. I'd be lying if I didn't feel a pang of jealousy when she told me she has already kissed him once. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like if I tell her I want her back she will just see it as a jealousy move because of the EA and not that I want to try one last time to save our marriage. I need a sign. . .


Lash has a good point. It could be jealousy. You might want to discuss this in IC.


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## losthusbandneedshelp (Sep 1, 2012)

I haven't thought about OM since telling W how I feel and asking if she can forgive me for being so closed off and cold to her the last few weeks since I told her I wanted the big D. We talked a lot and at first she said she could give me a month to show how much I want her back and want to be there for her in every way possible. Later that same day after acting like we could make things work she said she can't forgive the last few weeks of me treating her like I didn't care about her and she "says" she is rock-solid on moving forward with the divorce. It crushed me more than I can express and now all the pain she has felt the last 2 years and the last few weeks is coming at me like waves on a rocky shoreline. I don't want to let her go but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I'm so lost and I only want her to be the one to find me. A little late to do so but I sat down and looked through all the photos we have taken over the last 6 years of our marriage and the scrapbooks we've made. Wishing won't help but I do wish I had done this a very long time ago. I waited too long and now in my ignorance and laziness I've lost the one person I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Is NC the only way to get through this at this point? Can I be that cold again after having an eye-opening experience to what I want in life? Help. . .


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

losthusbandneedshelp said:


> I haven't thought about OM since telling W how I feel and asking if she can forgive me for being so closed off and cold to her the last few weeks since I told her I wanted the big D. We talked a lot and at first she said she could give me a month to show how much I want her back and want to be there for her in every way possible. Later that same day after acting like we could make things work she said she can't forgive the last few weeks of me treating her like I didn't care about her and she "says" she is rock-solid on moving forward with the divorce. It crushed me more than I can express and now all the pain she has felt the last 2 years and the last few weeks is coming at me like waves on a rocky shoreline. I don't want to let her go but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I'm so lost and I only want her to be the one to find me. A little late to do so but I sat down and looked through all the photos we have taken over the last 6 years of our marriage and the scrapbooks we've made. Wishing won't help but I do wish I had done this a very long time ago. I waited too long and now in my ignorance and laziness I've lost the one person I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Is NC the only way to get through this at this point? Can I be that cold again after having an eye-opening experience to what I want in life? Help. . .


You need to let her go and keep working on yourself.

Don't chase her. She needs to see you improving and miss you if she is going to ever come back.

NC is the only way forward right now, whether you want to try for R or D.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

spun said:


> You need to let her go and keep working on yourself.
> 
> Don't chase her. She needs to see you improving and miss you if she is going to ever come back.
> 
> NC is the only way forward right now, whether you want to try for R or D.


Spun is right, Lost. If you chase her, she will see you as clinging and needy, and that's not attractive. Let her see a strong man who is confident and independent. Even if it doesn't get her back ( which is not the purpose of the 180, only a possible by-product), you will be strong enough to deal with whatever happens.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

i am in the exact same situation. I was in a haze..separated for 2.5 years, until she dropped the D bomb on me. Long time in coming. but for some reason it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks. i have tried everything I could to get her back but to no avail. She says her heart is dead. Wants a D an then see if there is anything to repair. She wants this chapter of our lives to be over. Fast forward 2 months and I find out she has been drunk every night seeing some guy for the whole time, probably before. I have just implemented the 180 in the last week, after groveling for the last 1.5 months. No hint that it is bothering her yet but have to continue for my sanity. You really do have to let go. She knows how you feel. Now you have to give her a chance to miss you. If she doesn't it wasn't meant to be. It is amazing how selfish they can be, not cop to anything while we are laying our hearts on the ground to be stomped on. No more of that for you or me ok? Keep an eye on the jealousy piece. I am going to look into that myself, as I think it has a lot of merit. Be strong.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

losthusbandneedshelp said:


> I truly felt the walls come down when she admitted to the EA. I'd be lying if I didn't feel a pang of jealousy when she told me she has already kissed him once. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like if I tell her I want her back she will just see it as a jealousy move because of the EA and not that I want to try one last time to save our marriage. I need a sign. . .


Expose the affair.


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## losthusbandneedshelp (Sep 1, 2012)

Hey everyone, been awhile since I posted but I could really use some outside perspective on what I am going through now.

Reading my posts above I did take everyone's advice and tried the 180 to try and improve myself rather than just get my wife back. Long story short it worked, but. . .

We have been back together now for about 2 months. We talked through all the problems we were having and I have been making a bigger effort to focus more on her feelings and what she needs emotionally from me to feel loved. I thought everything was going great and she even said she feels more in love with me now than when before we started having problems. More cuddling, great sex, the works. And then I start having minor anxiety attacks out of the blue, like a sixth sense or something. After that I started to get suspicious but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then over the last 2 weeks I happened to notice an increasing amount of text messages between her and the OM she had an EA with while we were separated. Without openly confronting her about the text messages I asked how she felt about OM now and kind of if I should be "worried". She sat there and said I had nothing to worry about but at the same time didn't reveal that she had been texting OM that day for about 3 hours non stop while I was at work. 

When the subject comes up about NC with OM she seems very solid that something like that from me would be viewed as controlling but she also doesn't know that I looked at our cell phone bill and saw hundreds of texts between the two of them.

At this point do I risk the rocky trust we have built back up and expose her lies or do I trust her to make the right decision? 

I have suspicions that OM is trying to re-engage the EA, if not done so already, and possibly move into a PA which would destroy my faith in our marriage completely.

I'm just so confused on what the right choice is. We talked tonight and I was trying to inadvertently bring up my uneasiness with OM but I don't know if I should start monitoring her messages for the inevitable "let's meet up" from her or reveal my mistrust in her and most definitely put us back in D territory. 

Any thoughts are welcome, thanks.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

If she really wants to make her marriage work and admits to having kissed him, why isn't the NC coming from her? She must be able to see that interactions with him will be poison to your relationship?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

okay im a bit lost.
did your wife start to have the EA before or during separation?

if she started it before [and that very specific EA is the cause of your separation], then she's guilty.
if the EA started during the separation, she's not guilty and you have no right to expose her whatsoever.

but , i read this :


> My wife and I made the decision to divorce a few weeks ago but after finding out she is already having an emotional affair with someone I know I'm starting to regret letting her go.


to me that sounds like she started the 'affair' during the separation.
i don't think she's guilty of anything.
IMO this is your time to prove that you're better than the other guy [can't really say that guy is an OM].so are you or are you not?

doing the 180 will do no good, but that's just me.
she'll be convinced that you ARE actually cold and distant and give no cr4p about her, let alone your marriage. 
not that i suggest you to be needy or clingy. just be a man. show her your affection without being needy. 

JMO


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## losthusbandneedshelp (Sep 1, 2012)

The EA started during our separation and I don't fault her for that. What my latest post about is now that we have reconciled and been back together for 2 months she is still talking to OM even though she said she initiated NC. From a friendship viewpoint I honestly am OK with her talking to him as long as there are boundaries in place that both of them know and respect. But what was going on was progressing beyond that point.

I ended up sitting her down and giving her the cold hard truth tonight. I'm OK with her resenting me for enforcing a partial NC with OM but I'm NOT OK with another man in our marriage. Within 5 minutes she sent him a text and showed me that she is committed to keeping boundaries while still supporting a friend she has known for over a decade and is dealing with cancer and his own relationship issues. OK, help the guy get through his issues as a friend but if that line is even touched in the sand it's total NC forever. She agreed to not delete any text messages and for me to monitor her activity. 

It really is like a drug when an EA is through texting. She said she felt detached from the messages and it was like reading a book but she didn't really feel a part of it. Could be more of her trying to placate me but my eyes are open and hers are no longer in tunnel vision mode so we'll see what happens. 

Do you think I caught things in time?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

losthusbandneedshelp said:


> From a friendship viewpoint I honestly am OK with her talking to him as long as there are boundaries in place that both of them know and respect.


what kind of boundaries you want?
because if it's a long term friendship, they might have been share everything.
im not trying to scare you, but my friends know me better than my STBXH.not that i don't love him, but it's all about familiarity.and no, i never cheated. EA is you're in love with someone else, and i don't love my friends like i love my husband.so , what kind of boundaries?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I think you have handled things in the best way possible. Those boundaries are important. Is she meeting the friend or limiting it to texts?

I am in a somewhat similar situation in that I have a male friend with whom I exchange emails and we chat via the computer. This is a friendship that began during my separation (my H left me and we have since reconciled). The friendship is continuing....but, both my husband and his wife have agreed to it, and both have access to our emails and chat logs should they ever choose to do so. In addition, we cc his wife our emails (I offered to cc my H, but he declined. Sometimes we include him anyway and he responds. Because of the cc to my friend’s wife, it is then a four-way exchange). My friend introduced himself to my H via email, and his wife and I met the same way. The four of us have had ‘socials’ together through webcam. We have not yet met in person, but have plans to.......plans that include our spouses. We are both fully committed to our spouses. We are also both aware of the possible pitfalls and are determined not to fall into them. 

You may not wish to be that involved with your wife’s friend, but my point is that there are ways of maintaining boundaries. Keep the communication about the friendship open with your wife. If at any time you have concerns, discuss it with her. And continue to show her that you love her. It is usually when that is missing that trouble starts.


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