# Are you & SO honest with each other about your wants/needs/feelings?



## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I’ve had a feeling for quite a while that my husband of 28 years isn’t very happy. I’ve tried many times to get him talking, about lots of different things that might be bothering him, but I never get anywhere. I ask him about work, finances, vacations he might want to take, what he wants in bed, and I pretty much get some version of “it’s fine, it’s good, I don’t care, I like it the way it is”. He’s always been a kinda quiet guy, but I’ve learned to trust my intuition so I’m wondering if anyone has advice on how to get him to open up a little more.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is there anything he complained about in the past where the issues is still there, but he has stopped complaining?

Is your sex life good, or does he just now say what he wants?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Are you & SO honest with each other about your wants/needs/feelings?

For us the answer is yes we do..BUT..it took a while for us to get to this point. Things are much better now. Its one of those skills we developed
later in life. It wasn't easy at first. It was like 2 steps forward and one step back. 

It could be that he has given up on changing something within the relationship and has resigned to it rather than keep fighting for it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yep, we are. Always. I'm a person who says what she means and means what she says and my husband LOVES that, lol.

If I am in a bad mood I'll warn him, tell him it's nothing to do with him or anything he's done, I'm just in a foul mood. If he HAS done something wrong, he knows EXACTLY what he did, where he did it, what he was wearing and whether he was sitting or standing when he did it! :rofl:


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

Could his be something to do with with his ego,or fear to confront family issues head-on? Do some background checking on how he's been brought up,this may give you a clue on how to break the impasse. Communication is very important for a couple as it's a platform where marital issues can be addressed. If you can't get a breakthrough,opt for counseling to unravel the mystery that's blocking your communication lines.

Sent from my Lenovo X2-AP using Tapatalk


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

No, not really. My wife would rather not know most hard truths about her interpersonal relationships. Positive conversations about the "good" are welcome. Negative topics are best left alone. She dislikes conflict to the point of complete avoidance. I mostly find out about how I've improved after the fact, when getting praised.

By and large this works for us, since we are one mild (her) and one extreme (me) introvert. I am not one prone to excessive mutual navel gazing. In the one place where we have a lot of friction, the bedroom, having our differences in needs and wants explored has only led to unresolvable conflict anyway. It has solved nothing, creates stress that serves no useful purpose, and in no way improves our relationship.

No doubt this probably sounds dysfunctional or highly suspect to those who want every crevasse of their partner's psyche laid bare before them, but not everyone rolls that way. To some, that turns marriage into far too much work to be enjoyable.

So to answer the question - yes, we are generally _honest_, but I think what you really are asking is are we both honest and forthcoming.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I'mAllIn said:


> I’ve had a feeling for quite a while that my husband of 28 years isn’t very happy. I’ve tried many times to get him talking, about lots of different things that might be bothering him, but I never get anywhere. I ask him about work, finances, vacations he might want to take, what he wants in bed, and I pretty much get some version of “it’s fine, it’s good, I don’t care, I like it the way it is”. He’s always been a kinda quiet guy, but I’ve learned to trust my intuition so I’m wondering if anyone has advice on how to get him to open up a little more.


Whenever I keep pestering my wife about this kind of stuff, she usually says that I am asking because I must be the one that feels something is missing...I don't know if that's because she is gaslighting me or because she might in fact be right...

As a practical advice: the best time for man to open up is right after orgasm. He will tell you pretty much anything (including which government he is working for, in case he is a spy


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I feel part of my job as a husband is to be strong. I am honest when I feel I am not being treated fairly. I have always plainly stated my needs. I wouldn't continually ask for them if they were not met, I don't believe that works anyway. 

I feel it is more important to be honest with myself though. I learned very early that marriage doesn't solve my problems. Happiness is not the default feeling for human beings. I strive for contentment but even that is a continual every changing process. I don't believe that is my wife's responsibility to me, that is my responsibility to myself. I also believe the same holds true for her, I am not responsible for her happiness, though I will try to help her in any reasonable way I can. 

Sounds like you have done that and you are open, that may be the best you can do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that some marriage counselling may help. Or he may just be ok.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'mAllIn said:


> I’m wondering if anyone has advice on how to get him to open up a little more.


My wife and I are open about everything and will even admit when we don't feel loving towards one another so that we can work on that together. 

There are some people however that in my opinion are never in touch with their own feelings or may never even bother to try and understand why they feel a certain way in a certain situation. For this type of person, ask how they feel and you'll likely get a passive response or make them frustrated. 

One odd thing with me is that I am one of those people that has resting angry face. This is what I might look like when I am ecstatically happy:










Then later that day when my wife asks me what had me angry and upset, I'll be like, "what are you talking about?" She will tell me that I should have not been so rude all day and grumpy. Meanwhile I have had an awesome day and she makes no sense. Then I'll just blame my resting angry face and ask her how bad was it... She will say, "like really BAD!!!" Then we both laugh! 



Badsanta


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I had this problem with my Ex husband. He never had any complaints. I always had a “check in with the marriage” time and he was always happy, never had anything to add or things that wanted to improve. He was super passive aggressive. He couldn’t even tell me what he wanted for dinner. It was like he literally didn’t care st all. And now I’m divorced and I find out how unhappy he was all along. I was super mad and resentful for a long time because I thought If he would of communicated along the way things might of been different. But I’m happy the way things worked out. 
Some men just have such a hard time verbalizing things. It’s so tough. I’m sorry I have sympathy but no advise. Most people don’t change.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

sokillme said:


> I feel part of my job as a husband is to be strong. I am honest when I feel I am not being treated fairly. I have always plainly stated my needs. I wouldn't continually ask for them if they were not met, I don't believe that works anyway.
> 
> I feel it is more important to be honest with myself though. I learned very early that marriage doesn't solve my problems. Happiness is not the default feeling for human beings. I strive for contentment but even that is a continual every changing process. I don't believe that is my wife's responsibility to me, that is my responsibility to myself. I also believe the same holds true for her, I am not responsible for her happiness, though I will try to help her in any reasonable way I can.
> 
> Sounds like you have done that and you are open, that may be the best you can do.


I guess that's a part of what I'm trying to figure out, what responsibility do I have to keep trying to get him to open up about what he might want or need if he just doesn't ever respond to my efforts?


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

InMyPrime said:


> Whenever I keep pestering my wife about this kind of stuff, she usually says that I am asking because I must be the one that feels something is missing...I don't know if that's because she is gaslighting me or because she might in fact be right...
> 
> As a practical advice: the best time for man to open up is right after orgasm. He will tell you pretty much anything (including which government he is working for, in case he is a spy


:wink2: I've even tried that, as recently as last night, since I often feel like I get more out of our sex life than he does. Even right after sex he still says everything is good, the sex is good, yadayadayada.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

My thoughts are that if you take it slowly and open up to him, he may slowly open up to you. For example, instead of asking what he wants, tell him what you want and ask for his opinions. Be sure to tell him what you really want because you just may get it. lol


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Nope. Not allowed.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I'mAllIn said:


> :wink2: I've even tried that, as recently as last night, since I often feel like I get more out of our sex life than he does. Even right after sex he still says everything is good, the sex is good, yadayadayada.



Maybe everything is good then? What makes you think it’s not?


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I had this problem with my Ex husband. He never had any complaints. I always had a “check in with the marriage” time and he was always happy, never had anything to add or things that wanted to improve. He was super passive aggressive. He couldn’t even tell me what he wanted for dinner. It was like he literally didn’t care st all. And now I’m divorced and I find out how unhappy he was all along. I was super mad and resentful for a long time because I thought If he would of communicated along the way things might of been different. But I’m happy the way things worked out.
> Some men just have such a hard time verbalizing things. It’s so tough. I’m sorry I have sympathy but no advise. Most people don’t change.





I'mAllIn said:


> I’ve had a feeling for quite a while that my husband of 28 years isn’t very happy. I’ve tried many times to get him talking, about lots of different things that might be bothering him, but I never get anywhere. I ask him about work, finances, vacations he might want to take, what he wants in bed, and I pretty much get some version of “it’s fine, it’s good, I don’t care, I like it the way it is”. He’s always been a kinda quiet guy, but I’ve learned to trust my intuition so I’m wondering if anyone has advice on how to get him to open up a little more.


Your husband needs to read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" issues around men not talking have more to do with being taught that our needs will/can result in abandonment and we need to take care of others first. Especially if their mothers were alcoholics; and or was never emotionally heard as a child from either parent, the boring reinforcement part of being a parent is how I've heard it explained in regards to kids feelings that always seem trivial at the time. 

Most people wont change unless they know they need to, and then they need to be shown HOW. Relationships are LEARNED behavior. Though there are some old Titans of TAM in older threads that personally believe that about 33 is the point of no return. I'm 36 and the last year I've had to do ALOT of self help books and behavioral corrections. It's very hard at this age because you have to start looking at what happened as a kid and process your whole life. ALOT of self anger and resentment to work through. Had to figure out why i stuck around with an abusive woman for 13 years, who wouldn't help emotionally at all. Even if i sat her down and communicated needing help with next steps like a marriage and a kid. She of course is a borderline/narcissist from what I can tell from my readings.

an unconditional loving co dependent doormat, is still a doormat. Who would have thought?!? haha.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Zodiac said:


> Your husband needs to read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" issues around men not talking have more to do with being taught that our needs will/can result in abandonment and we need to take care of others first. Especially if their mothers were alcoholics; and or was never emotionally heard as a child from either parent, the boring reinforcement part of being a parent is how I've heard it explained in regards to kids feelings that always seem trivial at the time.
> 
> Most people wont change unless they know they need to, and then they need to be shown HOW. Relationships are LEARNED behavior. Though there are some old Titans of TAM in older threads that personally believe that about 33 is the point of no return. I'm 36 and the last year I've had to do ALOT of self help books and behavioral corrections. It's very hard at this age because you have to start looking at what happened as a kid and process your whole life. ALOT of self anger and resentment to work through. Had to figure out why i stuck around with an abusive woman for 13 years, who wouldn't help emotionally at all. Even if i sat her down and communicated needing help with next steps like a marriage and a kid. She of course is a borderline/narcissist from what I can tell from my readings.
> 
> an unconditional loving co dependent doormat, is still a doormat. Who would have thought?!? haha.


I'm betting you've spent literally THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars - and lots of *years* - in 'therapy' because all your posts just reek of it. 

The man's been married for *28 years*, he doesn't need to read the Nice Guy book or suddenly start blaming his 'childhood' or 'abandonment issues' just because he's become a bit apathetic after all this time. I honestly don't know anyone who HASN'T become somewhat apathetic after being with one person for *that* long. 

It's very possible in his mind, there really IS nothing 'wrong.' Maybe he's not aware that he's not as present anymore as he used to be. Maybe he just honestly has no clue what you're talking about because for him, it's life as usual. 

However, there's also the small possibility that his heart and mind (and lower extremities) are engaged elsewhere. Have you considered _that_ possibility, OP?


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm betting you've spent literally THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars - and lots of *years* - in 'therapy' because all your posts just reek of it.
> 
> The man's been married for *28 years*, he doesn't need to read the Nice Guy book or suddenly start blaming his 'childhood' or 'abandonment issues' just because he's become a bit apathetic after all this time. I honestly don't know anyone who HASN'T become somewhat apathetic after being with one person for *that* long.
> 
> ...


I have very much considered that possibility. I was hoping to be able to get back into my original profile so that I didn't have to repost our whole story all over again, but I haven't yet so I'll try to make a long story short.

About 7 years ago I found out that my husband had been contacting a woman on craigslist and was planing to meet her when he went out of town for business. I found the messages after the fact, and he swore he didn't meet up with her and that he hadn't slept with anyone else, but I was devastated. He had been spending a lot of time on the computer at night, and I would get upset and ask him about it but he liked to stay up later than me and he also bought and sold cars on the side to make extra money, so he always told me that was what he was doing. My intuition told me that wasn't all that was going on, but I took his word for it because I hadn't ever had a reason not to trust him before that. Since then I've listened to my intuition much more than I use to, and my intuition tells me something is off again.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'mAllIn said:


> I have very much considered that possibility. I was hoping to be able to get back into my original profile so that I didn't have to repost our whole story all over again, but I haven't yet so I'll try to make a long story short.
> 
> About 7 years ago I found out that my husband had been contacting a woman on craigslist and was planing to meet her when he went out of town for business. I found the messages after the fact, and he swore he didn't meet up with her and that he hadn't slept with anyone else, but I was devastated. He had been spending a lot of time on the computer at night, and I would get upset and ask him about it but he liked to stay up later than me and he also bought and sold cars on the side to make extra money, so he always told me that was what he was doing. My intuition told me that wasn't all that was going on, but I took his word for it because I hadn't ever had a reason not to trust him before that. Since then I've listened to my intuition much more than I use to, and my intuition tells me something is off again.


Oh boy. That kind of changes the playing field, doesn't it?

I've known guys who _weren't_ married as long as you have and sadly, all some of them ever complained about was being 'bored' and needing something 'new and exciting.' It wasn't anything their wives were doing wrong, it was simply them craving variety. I'm kind of getting that vibe with your husband because you have a fairly active and satisfying sex life, it's not like he's deprived or in a loveless marriage. He's one of those guys who thinks it's perfectly fine to scratch an itch elsewhere and as long as the wife doesn't know, it won't hurt her. So of *course* he lied to you and claimed he never met the Craigslist lady. 

The first rule of cheaters is: "NEVER admit to anything your spouse doesn't know about or doesn't have physical proof of in their hand." And since your husband and his Craigslist lady probably just moved their plan-making to their phones once he was in her area, that's why you didn't see anything in the Craigslist messages about them setting up a meeting. I mean, there comes a time when you have to move past using the Craigslist email server and connect via the phone and that time would have been once he arrived in her town and it was time to make plans to meet. I'm willing to bet that's exactly what happened and that would be why there were no written messages about them meeting. 

And since you had no written messages of their meeting, _*then it just didn't happen*_. 0 Cheater rule #1.

I do have to tell you that it's very rare that you catch a cheater the *first and only time* they're up to no good. VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY rare. So it's a bit hard to believe his story that you miraculously caught him the one and only time he *ever* tried to meet someone and miracle of miracles, "they never met up" anyway. The chances of either of these things actually being true aren't very high.

I'm just being brutally honest with you, I'mAllIn. 

All of the things you mention in your other thread about him clearing his history and logging out of all his accounts and dragging his phone in the bathroom with him all sound very suspicious to me. I see other members saying they do some of these things, but I don't know anyone who actually does *any* of this stuff, to be honest. I know I sure don't and neither does my husband. I think your husband is either using private browsing windows or his browser is set to delete all history once he closes it out. And I don't believe for a second it's because he's afraid of a hacker. I think the only 'security' breach he's probably concerned about is YOU. And he's likely using private browsing windows for obvious reasons - the biggest one being the likelihood of a secret email account he's got. You can create a secret web-based email account in like 5 minutes. A secret email account would allow him to have profiles on various dating and hookup sites, and he could create a new Craigslist account and run his own ads plus reply to others but _this_ time around, you'd never be the wiser because none of it would be available to you for viewing.

Cheaters (unless they're really complete imbeciles) don't continue to use the same venues that got them caught the last time. Using his known email account to reply to Craigslist ads got him caught last time. So it's *NO* surprise that you've never found any more Craigslist messages since then. It's possible that he's suddenly turned into a saint and learned his lesson, but not likely. It's *much* more likely that he's just not an imbecile and knows better than to use the same email account or Craigslist account that got him caught the last time. How to work around that? A NEW email account that you don't know about, and a NEW Craigslist account that you don't know about. See how easy that is?

You're intuition has been bang on for a *long* time, OP. There's a reason for it.

As I always say, never ignore your gut when it's screaming to you.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm betting you've spent literally THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars - and lots of *years* - in 'therapy' because all your posts just reek of it.
> 
> The man's been married for *28 years*, he doesn't need to read the Nice Guy book or suddenly start blaming his 'childhood' or 'abandonment issues' just because he's become a bit apathetic after all this time. I honestly don't know anyone who HASN'T become somewhat apathetic after being with one person for *that* long.
> 
> ...


1) nope just about a 9 books and a year alone after realizing my mother is a narc and I was with a Narc/Borderline for 13 years. Your comment also slaps a lot of OLD SCHOOL TAMERS who have read dozens and dozens of books and use that information to help people. I started with archived forum posts and there is a completely different tone of people here since the REGROUP thread days. People referred to the people who have done therapy and research TAM TITANS wanting to help people.

2) Apathy is understandable. His lack of engagement after being engaged says something. 

3) If he thinks there is nothing wrong is also an issue, as she has tried to communicate her needs in regards to his lack of engagement and communication. 

4) IF he know hes go heart, mind and lower extremities issues, sounds like he needs to be an adult and address those because they are affecting someone other then him.

5) I think General Relationship Discussion forum is essentially care taking and pan handling peoples emotions, especially if you're a female. 

6) Your hostile tone is why men who were raised by Emotionally immature mother need to listen to Jordan Peterson and the comedian Bill Burr. Do not try and steam roll me by discrediting me and mocking me. I even did put in all that internal work to heal from my wounds. It reinforces the fact women just want men who understand emotion when they flip their ****, not men who are emotional. I strongly recommend the book "adult children of emotionally immature parents. how to heal from Distant, Rejecting or Self -Involved Parents."

7) I think between my last encounters of women care taking other women's emotional behavior in the General Relationship Board. I should stick to the healing from infidelity and divorce boards. There people want to understand what went wrong. This board is a victim/poor me board.


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