# Day one of Separation.



## RainbowStars (Dec 1, 2015)

I have a really hard time describing my marriage except to say that when we fell in love it was at the hardest time in both of our lives. We have officially been together 7 years and officially married for 1 year out of those seven. He took over being dad to my oldest daughter and after 4 years of trying we finally added a second baby to the family who is now 3. So when I tell people that we have had trouble's it's really hard to explain because it's not one big story it's a lot of stories just pushed together. I guess the biggest elephant in the room is how we don't have an intimate life anymore and it's been harder after we had the second baby. It's not that we haven't tried but it's more like he won't get the problem addressed through a doctor and I always end up crying after a failed attempt. He tells me that it's not me but yet I'm the one crying all night because it's just not working out anymore. The second part is I've just recently gone back to work after being a stay at home mom, it's only part time but its enough to keep us afloat and has brought added income. I thought since I started working that he would finally start to slow down by taking his comp time that he's worked up so he can stay home a little more plus be around the kids more. He's agreed to do it but has only done it once but yet still holds onto the thing that yes he's a hard worker and he wants to provide for the family etc. but I feel like he uses that ol' workaholic speech in place of actually "being here". The way our schedule works is I go to work in the mornings then he drops the kids off to me then I go home and he goes to work until evening time. I feel like I have a live at home nanny because he'll get the kids up, the oldest off to school and the youngest dressed and fed before dropping her off to me. I'm the one that cleans the house, does laundry, cooks supper, dishes out discipline(because i'm the only parent at home) and worries about homework. When he is home he doesn't want to talk, I have to initiate conversation and usually I run out of things to talk about because he doesn't seem interested or he'll say "continue" but yet again doesn't seem interested so I stop. I sometimes tell him that he's emotionless because he tends to internalize things so it'll come out in weird ways like when we are fighting or he'll get passive aggressive about things. I've had a really hard time lately with my family and we haven't always gotten along so I count on him to be my rock because it hasn't been easy on me. He's affectionate and kisses with hugs but when it leads into more then it's always ending up in disappointment with me crying all night(again). I love him to bits but I think the biggest thing that hit me was being at work and my co-worker has been talking about dating and it hit me. I suddenly thought what it would be like to be a part of a relationship where the husband wants you fully with a sexual relationship and an emotional one. I spent a half hour crying in the freezer because I suddenly realized how unhappy I was. I love my husband, I really really do but he hasn't been willing to change anything I've asked for. It feels like it's his way or no way but I'm still doing all the work but ending up with nothing. So yesterday after the kid hand off I came home and just thought about everything. I realized that I needed space and I just was not happy. I called my mom and I just cried for almost 3 hours because it all hit me at once. So when he got home I told him that I was serious about a separation and that I needed time. He was stunned but then he started to cry and said if I wanted to actually do this and I told him that yeah I need this right now because your not making me happy and I can't be in this situation because I'm tired of crying myself to sleep almost every night. I don't know if he got it and right now I guess I'm being a little selfish but last night he got drunk with his siblings(his family are full of alcoholics) and I could have cared less. I just feel at a loss because I didn't want it to end up like this but I don't know what else I could have done. I guess we could try therapy but looking at it right now seems impossible because a "few" therapy situations doesn't be the thing to fix this if he's just gonna be the tough macho guy all the time while I'm bawling my eyes out idk maybe I'm being sarcastic. All I know is I'm really unhappy and this blows.:crying:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, go to therapy for yourself first. Whether things work out or not, that is a scecondary concern. The primary concern should be to get you to a healthy mental state for you to make a sensible decision on where you want your life to go, and how to achieve that.

As he is currently, he is not compatible with you as a partner. What you want from a relationship, he may be incapable at this stage.

So work on your own issues first. Learn to detach to protect your mental and emotional well-being. It is not done to punish him, but to protect yourself. If you need space, then do so as he will trigger a lot of emotions and desire within yourself. So if proximity is an issue, go out with friends and family, find new hobbies. Improve your job prospect just in case of separation or divorce.

If he is not motivated to connect with you, you are better off separating. If you want a fulfilling and rich life, you have to create the circumstances and environment for that to occur. But, you only control yourself and in part, part of your circumstance.

He sounds like he is compounded with issues, and the one you fell in love with, may have been just a temporary figure.

Has he ever been intimate in the past? Did you ever have deep meaningful conversations? Do you spend a lot of quality tiem bonding and enjoying the things you do together?

You are harming yourself at the moment by making yourself vulnerable to him. As much as you want him to respond, take a step back and instead make your life more positive without him. Become more independent.

Whether he has intimacy issues, avoidance issues, he has to be the one to make the decision to change. You crying and begging will only hurt you in the end.


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## RainbowStars (Dec 1, 2015)

I took today off so I could get my ducks in a row because my emotions have been off kilter. I don't even think I could talk to him right now because when we do I always come off like the bad guy and that's not helping anyone or the situation. The kids are okay and to be honest they haven't noticed a difference in anything with him being gone. I made an appointment for thursday with therapist and I started to get the finances figured out with everything. I know he'll help me for a bit until I get fully on my feet so that's no biggie but if I know him the way I know him then he'll play victim at some point and turn it around or try to but I'm not playing this time so there's that. I don't even notice a difference with him gone that's the thing maybe it hasn't hit me yet I don't know. as for the whole sexual side well we had a great one at the beginning but then it tapered off after the second baby, I had a hard pregnancy and the csection put a strain on everything. At some point he just stopped and so did I because of what happens and well I hate crying at nights.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Perhaps he likes playing the victim for attention, either way, the best thing to do is not allow yourself to get drag within his circle.

Really, your goal at this point is just stability and to work through the emotions and learning why you let yourself put up with it.

Keep things civil, and if it does not have to deal with the children and what you need to separate, then it is not worth getting into. You would only bash your head against a wall and what is the point, he is not going to receive the information you send him.

Also, learn to read red flags. His family's history and how dysfunctional the rest of his family is, tends to be an indicator of what he might not be showing you. During the honeymoon phase of love, love blinders are placed over your eyes and there are things you ignore to be with that person. It is during this phase where one should be most vigilant. After the honeymoon phase, people tend to go to their base personality.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Some things you can work on is your codependent issues. Curious though, was it after your child that your relationship suffered, or prior to that? Really, you cannot sustain a relationship without reciprocity. It is a give and take for both.


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## RainbowStars (Dec 1, 2015)

The issues before the kid were there but it wasn't until after the baby that it kinda went all downhill because of no intimacy but also how he handles things with no feeling. I went into this with my eyes closed but hoping things would change. I've worked a lot on my issues but he hasn't been willing to work on his and at times when we would fight he would disagree and say all these things that he's been doing but in the bigger picture it hasn't been any changes at all. I'll give an example, i kinda bullied him into getting new pants and a winter coat. I told him that he could start wearing these nice shoes that he has but never wears and he says oh well I like my sneakers. That's kinda how my marriage is right now and I can't see myself doing this for years to come when we've been doing this for almost 7 years now. When he left the house he was upset and crying but I told him it's funny that your crying when it's down to the line when I've been crying for almost 4 months, I can't do this anymore. I don't plan on talking to him for a while and actually got a babysitter until I feel comfortable to where we can sit down and talk about handling visitation with the kids and finances. I have a lot of anger and to talk to him right now would probably just end up in a big blow up and I need time to get myself together so we can actually have that talk with no drama. I don't plan on telling him what I want because well I've explained that to him so much to the point where I can't discuss it anymore. If he wants to change then he needs to do it but I'm not giving any more energy to trying to get that change.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You have a right to your parameters of what you want in your relationship. It is when we neglect ourselves that we are miserable.

I wonder what his childhood like since most dysfunction occur during childhood.

From what consists of a healthy relationship, quality time, communication, compromise, adequate sex, dating one another,and so on, it seems like your marriage lacks a lot of those things that help maintain and form connection.

His probable stunted emotions makes you feel like you are alone even if he is present. It is like you are playing tennis and when you serve, there is no return volley to show that he is engage. Well, those types of actions help destroy bonds.

But, I believe that you are detaching at a fast rate that more of the little things will annoy you. Love causes blinders to form and when that love fades, so do the blinders.

Btw, either he is a workaholic or he odoes it to avoid intimacy. He may be an avoidant. When there is something to be dealt with on a personal, intimate level, he withdraws more than he is already withdrawn.

Also, it is his own responsibility to fix his own issues and instead of seeing a doctor, he rather protect himself and in turn cause you pain.


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## RainbowStars (Dec 1, 2015)

I'm just giving it this week so I can breathe and get things in order. I know it's a bad time because it's right before christmas but at this point I just want to breathe and think about things. His dad doesn't work but calls the shots while his mom works her butt off but caters to the dad to the point where the kids suffered. He grew up in an environment where they didn't have much money so he had to quit school at a young age(long story) and he had to start working immediately because he wanted things that his parents couldn't give him(clothes, food, electronics). So when we got together he was a working drunk who paid all of his parents bills and then drank the rest of the money. The first few years were riddled with fights because it basically did not work because his mom did everything and he was kinda throwing that on me and I couldn't do it. Housework, my daughter, his laundry all of that had to be learned on his part and to this day it's still like that to a certain extent. Right now I would say he's kind and he's affectionate but the passion is gone. I would say he's depressed but I can't get him to say anything like that because again that would be admitting something. Sometimes I just wanted to ask him if he was bored with our relationship but he would say no but his actions would say different. Through everything I'm unhappy because even though the intimacy is not my problem(again he won't get the problem addressed) I still feel a lot of doubt and self blame because we had a great intimate life once but it's not like that anymore and it just hurts my feelings even more when we would talk about it because all he would say is "its me not you" but yet nothing would get done to fix it. To make it worse, I have two kids now so it's hard on them but at this point I don't even notice that he's not here. It's been two days and I don't even notice and that's the worse part when did this happen? when did it become okay to where he's not even here and we don't care? that's the most messed up part because that's what my marriage has come down to.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, from what you posted, here is my guess.

In the beginning, during the honeymoon phase, everything was exciting. As that phase pass, and you entered into a committed relationship,his feelings towards you faded. You ended up playing the mother role and some of his feelings towards his mother was transferred upon you, making you less of a romantic partner. When you had your child together, it just help solidify that mother persona, making you less desirable in his eyes.

Due to his lack of development, he is stuck at a young age in terms of mental development.

Except, you are not his mother who just puts up with everything and takes all responsibility onto herself.

He hides behind lies, but in actuality, his actions show that he is not really interested in you, at least not in a romantic way. You may have become too much like his mother and he sees you as such. You may be defined by that label more than anything else.

Does that make sense.


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## RainbowStars (Dec 1, 2015)

At this point I have no idea except I'm unhappy and I'm not putting up with it anymore. The way he acts is he wants to stay but I'm not willing to put more time or effort into something that is obviously not working. We basically became roommates who are best friends who happen to have kids together. And you are right about the mom thing because it's basically how it became since i had to fight or nag to get my way to get things to change. This time I'm not fighting or nagging I just don't have the strength to. I can't take anymore my feelings are more than hurt just absolutely heartbroken. I feel like my whole marriage is just a big sham.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You do not have to put up with it. Everyone has their parameters. I would have left long ago. I dated a sexualy dysfunctional girl a couple of years back and I broke-up with her because I wanted a great sex life. AS much as I cared about her, my own well-being came first, nor was it my job to fix or put up with her issues. She has to own that herself.

If I chose to stay, then I would be harming myself.

Relationships are choices that we can enter into and leave, alter, and make compromises on. The same goes for the other person. You do not owe him your life and well-being, that is your own to decide.


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## RainbowStars (Dec 1, 2015)

Right now my job is stable but I've been looking into transferring into a different position. A while back I watched that movie hope springs with meryl streep except we didn't go to marriage bootcamp. I gave up so much time to just waiting for him to change or move into a place where we can be compatible but the only thing I've gotten is on his end is "well just give me time to get into a new place or to get set up" there was never a "well lets work on this etc" its only been "well I understand and if you feel the way you feel then let me get to a place where I can be okay with splitting up" but yet nothing on his part. I should have seen the signs right there and that's what I'm going by except I can't be living with him in the same house because I've given it this far and I can't be with someone who is so undecided. I feel like I was his crutch just to get away from his parents house and it started out on love but now it's something else and I can't do it anymore so now he's at his parents house again but I'm not moving forward on his feelings anymore but my own. I've divided up the finances to where we can live separately for a while but push comes to shove then I will have to get a lawyer for trial by separation or so be it divorce. But I don't want to do that yet because I need to see what happens from here on out but I'm not holding my breath.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

That is great that you are taking care of yourself and recognizing that you want to be fulfilled. A reciprocal relationship is a realistic expectation. Being married, but not really having a partner besides legally, can be tough because of the need for companionship.

What he wants and what you want is vastly different.

Keep looking after your future and your best interest. Placing your needs aside only hurt you in the end. At least you can recognize and avoid going through the same if you should see the warning signs again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is he willing to go to therapy?


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## RainbowStars (Dec 1, 2015)

I have no idea since I haven't discussed anything with him. I was going to talk to him next week after things have cooled off and my anger has evaporated a bit. I don't know how he'll react just by us talking but I'm gonna try to be mature about it and just lay everything out about the kids and finances. I'm not ready to even discuss where we stand with him yet because I'm heartbroken and devastated. I need to get to a place where I can talk about it. Right now I can't even talk about us because 1. I'm angry and 2. I'm really really sad and I can't even think or much less talk about us. 
As for couple therapy I don't know, I mentioned it to him several times before but he always said that I needed to make the appointment(again he can't do something himself). I think I'll keep going to therapy just so I can get to a place where I'm not as broken and I can just be okay again. I can't make him change and I can't make him address his problems. The only thing I can do is get to a place where we are set with the kids and finances. If he wants to make the effort to be better than yay that gives us hope as a couple but if not then I will ask for a divorce because he is not willing to do anything to make the marriage work on his part. I'm taking this as an opportunity to just be me for a while and get my ducks in a row.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Good idea on finding emotional stability first. Just focus on healing and work towards finding fulfillment without him and work through the emotions at your pace. Years of neglect simply does not diminish in a short period of time. He had made his choices when he chose not to help you in improving the relationship and his negligence is a consequence for that.

He chose to cause you pain whether intentionally or not, nonetheless, you are hurting.

Your pain was not enough to motivate him and you have a right to be angry.

Hope you the best.

I also wish him the best as well hope someday he works on his issues for his own sake.


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