# H says not attracted to me anymore



## NJEH (Jan 11, 2011)

H and I have had some marriage problems, both feeling disconneted with each other, mainly due to stressful lives etc. H has been saying he feels his love for me is at a real low point right now (and I would agree with me for him). However, today after our MC, it came out that instead of "love" he means sexual attraction. He says its been going down since we had kids. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I try to stay in shape, dress nice, etc, but I have had 3 kids. I don't know what to do with this information. Is this where I give up? H isn't sure this is something that can't be fixed...when its gone its gone. Is that true?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

NJEH said:


> H isn't sure this is something that can't be fixed...when its gone its gone. Is that true?


Absolutely not. With time and work, it can come back. Even if both partners have lost sight of "it". Been there, done that. Damn near divorced. Move forward with MC and see where it goes. Spend as much time together as you can, as just a couple and a family.


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## NJEH (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank you for your quick reply. Is there any other advice? MC worked with this? This might be TMI, but before we had kids were were very hot for each other. I did notice things changed with us after the kids (3 in 5 years). I'm trying not to feel horrible about myself over this.


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## kristinlloyd (Apr 22, 2010)

Have you guys talked about ways to renew the "spark"?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

MC did help but was only a part of it. I recovered my love for my wife very quickly, (Upon learning she was in a very serious EA) she took much longer. Spending time together was paramount in our recovery. We became friends again and greatly enjoyed each others company. Communications opened back up. We fixed many of the things that went unfixed for years. The EA ended and with time she reconnected with me. It was a long journey but well worth it. We have been together for over 25 years.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Did he say what specifically was lost? 3 kids in 5 years, surely he knew/knows what that does to the human body.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

NJEH said:


> H has been saying he feels his love for me is at a real low point right now (and I would agree with me for him).


Believe it or not - for some men - there is a direct correlation between love and attraction.

You mentioned other issues and stress.

Could also be that - due to stress and other issues - his sex drive is just lower.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NJ,
Is it possible this is a weight thing? How much weight have you gained since you got married?

I only ask because a person doesn't "age" much in 5 years. 





NJEH said:


> Thank you for your quick reply. Is there any other advice? MC worked with this? This might be TMI, but before we had kids were were very hot for each other. I did notice things changed with us after the kids (3 in 5 years). I'm trying not to feel horrible about myself over this.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Here are some ideas to try:

*Go out as a couple by yourselves at least once a week. If money is tight find another couple to trade sitting with.

*Don't just do dinner/movies all the time....try new things: Scenic drives, zoo, museums, hiking, swimming/hot tubbing, insert your interests here. You get the idea. Shake it up!

*Have lots of sex. Jump in the shower with hubby and give him some lovin' or rip off his pants and give him some lovin'.

*Start wearing jewelry, makeup and have your hair done every day.

*Show some cleavage.

*Actively participate in sex...be more than a willing vessel.

*Laugh at his jokes.

*Put your hand on his arm or shoulder and lean in when you guys are talking.

*Once in awhile feed the kids first and then the two of you have a dinner by candlelight by yourselves while they watch a movie in a far away room.

*Find out more about his favorite hobby and talk to him about it.

*Send the kids to a family/friend's house for the evening and greet your husband at the door in lingerie.

*Wear a sexy sundress. According to polls the sundress is sexy.

*Do your nails

*Find out your husband's love language and find ways to speak it daily.

*Look in his eyes when he talks to you.

*Since he has had texting EAs take a cue from that and SEXT him. I would say that you should start sexting/flirting over the phone every day or at least a couple times a week. Just make it fun and upbeat....don't be afraid to flirt!

*Trim the bikini area. Shave your legs often.

*Buy something new for the bedroom. If you guys have been very vanilla in the bedroom it might be time to start experimenting a little. Buy a couples toy or something.

*If you have been struggling with juggling your kids and housework check out FlyLady.net .... it helped me so much. 


I don't know. The men will have to say what they find sexually attractive. I'm just going from what I've read and learned about dating signals and stuff. The stuff we stop doing after the kids are born. Some of this is for YOU so YOU can feel like a sexy woman again.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think it's very natural that feelings change as relationships mature. Very early in the relationship, "love" feels predominantly like a physical attraction. Gradually, feelings like appreciation, mutual dependence, trust, comfort, etc, become stronger and it does feel very different. Note that the feeling doesn't mean the love is less but that it has changed. Luckily, you can keep the "mature love" feelings and also learn to regain the great sexy, butterfly feelings. Notaname has a bunch of great ideas. You already know better than any other woman alive what curls your guy's toes. I think the main thing is for both of you to jealously insist on dating time. It's really easy to let the duties of life steal your passion. You have to make a pact that you're not going to allow that to happen, that you're going to remember to flirt with each other, tease each other, write stupid little love notes, make time for long talks about nothing and generally continue to "date" each other. Finding someone you can be sexually attracted to is no big trick. They're everywhere. Finding someone you can live with, parent with, be proud of, and tolerate is much harder.


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