# Sex/Porn Addiction & Infidelity



## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

Sharing my personal story with everyone. 
October of 2015 - kicked my husband out of the house. Literally. His clothes tossed in the driveway. Probably not the best course of action but I was very angry. I had just stumbled upon an unknown email account and photos of his genitals emailed to "someone else" and dirty text messages that had been disguised by changing the contact name on his cellphone. This was the beginning of his lies. Anytime I found something else out and confront him (porn websites, dating websites, over 9,000 saved email messages in his "secret" email account - he would lie and lie and lie. For 12 years - I was married to a sex addict and a porn addict. If you think "this is bad" - it gets worse - much worse. I struggle with the pain, heartbreak, sadness, loss, grieving, and anger of the betrayal that I felt - I still feel. For the past year - we had tried to work through this mess as he kept saying to me, " I want to fix this" yet he would make excuses to avoid going to SAA meetings. We have been separated since then - the big "reveal" - if you will. During that period though, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't being completely honest with me. So I would dig and dig until I found more deception on his part. His hard drive contained so much porn, nude photos of my sister (stolen floppy disks from her belongings), nude photos of his genitals he would send to other people, nude photos of me that he would send to other people, including all of his affair partners. Then, I found the gay porn. Then, I read the 9,000 emails he had saved in secrecy. It would turn out, that during our entire 12 year marriage - my husband was cheating on me with various people, female co-workers, married co-workers, ex-girlfrends, and two gay men he met on the internet. Dirty emails exchanged back and forth. I found out he had created profiles of me on various sex websites, swinger websites, hookup websites - unknowingly to me. He would lie to me and tell me he was "working overtime" but instead would spend hours with a female co-worker when he missed out on precious time with the kids and the family. How many affairs that I know of? 6 females and 2 gay males. I am still angry that he didn't respect me enough - he could have brought home an STD - or worse - AIDS! 

Dear God, I was married to a sex addict all along and I had no idea. I felt something was off after our son was born. I couldn't figure it out. His communication was lacking, he was always so distant (emotionally), he was often impotent in the bedroom, he was elusive, aloof, he was disconnected during family trips or vacations, he was more focused on his thrilling, secret life of affairs, porn and cheating. He neglected me, our son, our family and his step-daughter. When he was home, he was often asleep in the recliner - snoring or he was supposedly "asleep" in the bedroom before work but instead he was sending graphic nude photos of his junk in our marital bed. I felt so lonely during the marriage. I was depressed and contemplated Divorce around 10 years of marriage. He was a terrible husband. He was a terrible father. Its a doozy of a story. To top off the icing on the cake, I recently found out that he had stolen nude photos of my teenage daughter off her cellphone - without our knowledge. On a side note, the Police have already been contacted and not much can be done unless my daughter agrees to testify - but she won't do it. She feels shame. I feel shame. I am so hurt yet embarrassed about what he has done. Sex addiction can bring the Addict to a whole other level because they cannot get the thrill or high from their actions anymore so they push the envelope. I have read other women"s stories where husbands were arrested for various illegal behavior stemming from their sex addiction. Its a downward spiral for them and their loved ones and families. 

I filed for Legal Separation and received a judgment in 2016. I mailed off my Divorce papers a month ago - only to get lost in the mail. The Divorce is coming soon. He agreed to everything in the Legal Separation. Alimony, child support, his retirement, and no custody of our son. He currently has no visitation because I do not trust him. Would you trust a pedophile around your child if you knew the truth? I don't trust him. I am trying to protect our son. I feel like I failed as Mother to my daughter. I failed her because I married a pervert - a deviant. I was blind to his secret life. He gaslighted me. He deceived me. He lied to me. He betrayed my trust. Trust is a difficult thing to repair once its broken. Its makes me sad that he is in denial about his addictions. He refuses professional help. He makes excuses to avoid getting help. I have learned the hard way that he must want to get help and want to get better. Denial is a powerful thing. Addiction is a powerful thing. Recently he has taken up drinking to "numb himself" as he told me. I am taking this day by day. Some days are good. Some days are bad. Regardless of the things he has done - I miss him sometimes. But I have to remind myself that I only miss the person that he portrayed himself to be. He is a good actor and a very good liar. Even now, some days I cry. Some days I don't cry. I stay busy. I had isolated myself from the world after the big reveal. I am slowly trying to nudge myself back into society. I am too scared to date. I am too scared that I will meet someone else "like him" and get hurt once again. Some days I feel relieved that he is out of my life. Some days I struggle with the emotional toll this has taken. I feel so traumatized by what he has done. 

I recently had to cut off all contact with him. I am reading that its called a 180 (I think) but I have read about the No Contact Rule. I cannot allow myself to get hurt by him ever again. I have heard all the fake wooing from him "I am lost without you" and "I miss you so much, I love you so much" Blah, blah. He doesn't want a Divorce. Nope, he wants his cake and eat it too but I didn't sign up for that. He was even telling his affair partners that he loved them, he was in love with them, pouring out his feelings for them in lengthy emails - all while neglecting his marriage and family. He would tell his affair partners that yes he was married, but he just wanted a little fun on the side. Of course I cannot forget that he even made negative remarks and jokes about our failing marriage to his affair partners. He once told a female that his marriage sucked because he and I were like roommates to each other and that he didn't care - a scenario that he created himself. He even had the audacity to explain why he could not spend much time with one female co-worker because he had to "tend to his family" and that I knew his schedule so he had to lie to me about his work schedule. Unbelievable. I had never seen this side of his personality before. The dirty explicit messages that he would send to these people. I was shocked. It just broke my heart to read these things but I wanted to know the truth as much as it hurt. I never felt so betrayed in my life. All the while - I was lonely, depressed and my marriage crumbling apart because my husband was more focused on his secret life outside of our marriage. He gaslighted me for too long and played the blame shift game. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I deserve better. None of this was my fault. I went through the early phases of blaming myself for his cheating. Was I pretty enough? Was I attractive enough? Was I a good wife to him? YES I WAS a GOOD WIFE. I didn't do anything to cause his infidelities or his inappropriate behaviors. He had a good life and he blew it. Now he can stew in his misery with his glass of whiskey and feel sorry for himself. Maybe one day he will finally take responsibility for his actions - but I won't hold my breath. 

I know that everything will be okay. One day at a time. Stay busy. There is life after divorce. I try to stay positive - even through the tears. I am still grieving the loss of my marriage. I am still coping with the trauma. Everything has been shattered and destroyed due to addiction. Sex addiction. Porn addiction. Infidelity. Its a doozy.


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## ResignedWife (Jan 20, 2017)

Having read all that, I'm glad you got out of that toxic marriage, but... 

I would also say that you need to talk with your teen daughter about why she had nude photos of herself on her phone. You kind of glossed over that part. If I found nude selfies on my teen daughter's phone, there would be some MAJOR conversations about that activity. 

There shouldn't be pics in the first place! And if there were, my daughter would be grounded and without ANY internet access for a long, long time. And I'd get her a Jitterbug phone so that all she could do was call me and 911. No more smart phone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So sorry he put you through all of that  My husband is a sex addict but he's been 'sober' for 6 years almost. Stay strong!


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

ResignedWife said:


> Having read all that, I'm glad you got out of that toxic marriage, but...
> 
> I would also say that you need to talk with your teen daughter about why she had nude photos of herself on her phone. You kind of glossed over that part. If I found nude selfies on my teen daughter's phone, there would be some MAJOR conversations about that activity.
> 
> There shouldn't be pics in the first place! And if there were, my daughter would be grounded and without ANY internet access for a long, long time. And I'd get her a Jitterbug phone so that all she could do was call me and 911. No more smart phone.


This happened during high school. Was she punished for this? Yes she was. I took her phone away for 6 months and placed her social life outside of school on hold. I also confided in my husband about how upset I was at her and what she had done. Isn't that what married couples do? They confide in each other - they should be able to trust each other. At some point, he took the phone and had taken photos of her screen with the images then emailed them to himself. When I found the photos saved to one of his multiple secret email accounts.....you could see the kitchen tile floor in the background. It seems with smartphones, the internet and social media these teenagers have access to - they send each other "nudes" which is something I don't condone. I didn't find out about the photos he had taken off her cellphone until she was 18 years old. 3 years later. As a Mother I think I covered the punishment part for my daughter - but sadly we were both betrayed by someone we trusted and loved.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> So sorry he put you through all of that  My husband is a sex addict but he's been 'sober' for 6 years almost. Stay strong!


Im glad to hear that. I am happy for you both that he has stayed sober. From what I have read about sex addicts and divorce, your situation is definitely rare. Good for you!  It is nice to hear that something good came out of something so heartbreaking.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

I am blown away. And I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I can't even imagine. Good for you for standing your ground. 

I'm glad you're staying away from the dating scene (at least for now). As I hear it's pretty brutal when you're not a young adult like most of us here. That's why I'm staying away. It scares me. 

I hope you find that peace you're needing in your life. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

A true horror story that also is true, unreal. This man deserves to be in prison, their are people in prison that haven't done anything like what he has done, he is a very troubled man indeed. He has risen to a new level of dishonesty, his lifestyle is that of a serial cheat who has no way of being able to fathom his depths of depravity. A man who even he had affairs with men and women actually dragged his own family into this mess, a man who has reached the bottom and will always feed there. You are so right to mention the " No contact rule ", get this scumbag out of your life NOW. The only thing now to do is to protect yourself and family from this horrendous human being, he must not play any part in you life, your daughters life also. Divorce and good riddance, not much to look back on but maybe you should continue to talk and write about this man as a warning to others, he is not alone i am afraid to say, many people will be living with people like this and maybe even worse, hellish but true. Stay strong and healthy, you will need all your ducks in a row to shift this thing from your life.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

So, he was obsessed with porn and talking to others about sexual things. Was he interested in having sex with you? How was your sex life with a sex addict?


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## ResignedWife (Jan 20, 2017)

missguineafur said:


> This happened during high school. Was she punished for this? Yes she was. I took her phone away for 6 months and placed her social life outside of school on hold. I also confided in my husband about how upset I was at her and what she had done. Isn't that what married couples do? They confide in each other - they should be able to trust each other. At some point, he took the phone and had taken photos of her screen with the images then emailed them to himself. When I found the photos saved to one of his multiple secret email accounts.....you could see the kitchen tile floor in the background. It seems with smartphones, the internet and social media these teenagers have access to - they send each other "nudes" which is something I don't condone. I didn't find out about the photos he had taken off her cellphone until she was 18 years old. 3 years later. As a Mother I think I covered the punishment part for my daughter - but sadly we were both betrayed by someone we trusted and loved.


Thanks for clarifying the timeframe. The way I read your original post, it made it seem like it was a recent thing she had done and not addressed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GuyInColorado said:


> So, he was obsessed with porn and talking to others about sexual things. Was he interested in having sex with you? How was your sex life with a sex addict?





missguineafur said:


> he was often impotent in the bedroom


I'm not sure that it matters what her sex life was like with him. The issues are far greater than that.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> So, he was obsessed with porn and talking to others about sexual things. Was he interested in having sex with you? How was your sex life with a sex addict?


*UPDATED* I want to preface that I am going to explain the sex life because it is very typical behavior and "red flags" to look for in a sex addict/porn addict. Maybe explaining things will help someone else. 

Our sex life was fine at the beginning and this was 2002. We met in 2002 and married in 2004. Typical of marriages with a new baby though, the sex life dwindles as you are more preoccupied as a Parent more than anything. It still existed though but it occurred maybe once a week. Around 4-5 years into the marriage is when the sex life really dwindled to maybe once a month. Looking back now, I was more interested in sex than he was. He was very distant and it got worse as time went on but I couldn't figure it out because he was "gas lighting" me constantly. He would even have the audacity to come home from work and talk crap (negative) about the female co-workers who were giving him oral sex in the parking lot at his work. He had also talked badly about his overweight and single ex girlfriend who he was having an emotional/online/Facebook/nude pice swapped relations with. I thought it was strange that he would talk so badly about these people and he would volunteer the info - and I had no idea who he was often talking about. He kept many secrets hidden from me. Dark and shameful secrets that he did not want to face. I believe now that this would explain his distance or emotional distance. He would reassure me that he would "never cheat on me" often even though I did not ever accuse him of such wrongdoings. I have never been a jealous or snoopy person. Sometimes I wish I had looked at the cellphone bills more closely and his activities on his laptop. Yes he was obsessed with online porn (you name it, females, girl on girl, gay porn, foot fetish websites, voyuerism websites, etc). His internet history showed that he would even look at porn or enter chatrooms on his laptop while the family was up and about in the home but he hid it very well. He would close out a screen or become agitated if the kids or myself would walk behind him and ask what he was up to. Part of his manipulation was to immediately place blame on my daughter when the monthly cell phone bill was higher than usual. I never looked closely or I would have seen over 5,000 text and media messages he sent to his affair partner(s) in one month. I would find out later that he would text dirty sexual messages while I was asleep next to him in bed, or we were out at a family dinner together, even at Disneyland together with the kids and my sister. When I asked him who he was texting - it was always "one of the guys at work" and I trusted him. Absolute manipulation in the worst form. Intentional and cruel to its core. Stupid me - I trusted him. That angers me the most. I feel duped. 

The sex life got so bad that we did not have sexual relations for a year and a half. I knew something was not right with him but like I said, I could not figure it out because of the lies he told me. There were many times he would reject me sexually and make excuses (Im late for work, I don't feel well, etc.) and he was impotent in the bedroom. His impotence problem concerned me - at first I thought he wasn't attracted to me but his excuse was always his asthma or he was sick, etc. He had many excuses over the years but I was always the sympathetic wife, overly understanding and overly trusting and overly supportive (this was my reaction to his intentional manipulation). He would even shower two to three times in a 24 hour period and I thought that was a strange change in his behavior. I think now that he tried to shower or wash his guilt away. My daughter even told me recently that she felt that something was not right in the marriage between us when she was in middle school. Kids pick up on things more than we would like to admit. The saddest part about his denial is that I do not believe that he will ever fully grasp the pain and the trauma that he has caused myself and my kids. He chose to run away from it rather than face it when things got tough or awkward after he finally got caught. He even admitted to me that if he had never been caught, he would have likely kept up what he was doing. Sex addicts will neglect everything from their own wives, children, responsibilities at home, even finances and their jobs. Their drug of choice is that sexual high as they use that as a coping mechanism for much deeper problems they may have. I do not wish this upon anyone, whether it be a wife or a husband who discovers they are married to a sex addict. I know the pain it causes. I felt so alone during most of my marriage when things got bad and he became so distant that we barely spoke two words to each other a day. I didn't care if he was gone at work all day and night - I felt indifferent about him. I stopped eating and drastically dropped several sizes to a size 4. I was even shopping on the internet frequently to make myself feel better - spending upwards of 500 to 1,000 dollars a month. I was buying sexy shoes and clothes in hopes that my own husband would notice me and it would "spark" something but it did not work - he did not notice me there. I had a breakdown the first six months after I caught him and I isolated myself from friends and family, society even. It is a very traumatizing thing to have to endure. I have a long road to recovery for myself to heal from this. He is a lost cause and it makes me sad to say that. 

Karma has a way though. I believe in Karma. In one of his emails to his many affair partners back in 2008, he had expressed to this female co-worker (who was sending nude pics of herself and home videos of herself masturbating to 14 other male co-workers besides my husband. Yes - fourteen!) that he did not want to get caught by another girl he was "fooling around with" previously at work because he would be screwed if he had to pay alimony and child support for the rest of his life. Funny how things worked out  There is no end date to the alimony. He agreed to everything and did not fight me on any issues, even custody or visitation. I saved whatever damming evidence I needed incase of a future custody battle. He now lives with his 85 year old father because he is close to being broke and can't afford much, let alone another online porn subscription. I consider the alimony and my award of his retirement during the marriage my severance pay for years of emotional abuse that I had endured. The "gas lighting" as they call it is considered a form of emotional abuse. My favorite quote, "I saw that.........Karma" 

Thanks for the good words folks


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> So, he was obsessed with porn and talking to others about sexual things. Was he interested in having sex with you? How was your sex life with a sex addict?


Sex addicts are sexually and relationally dysfunctional, therefore, he would not have been much of a lover. He would be inconsiderate and messed up in how he approached the marriage bed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

missguineafur said:


> To answer your question - the sex life was fine at the beginning and this was 2002. We met in 2002 and married in 2004. Typical of marriages with a new baby though, the sex life dwindles as you are more preoccupied as a Parent more than anything. It still existed though but it occurred maybe once a week. Around 4/5 years into the marriage is when the sex life really dwindled to maybe once a month. Looking back now, I was more interested in sex than he was. He was very distant and it got worse as time went on but I couldn't figure it out because he was "gas lighting" me constantly. He would even have the audacity to come home from work and talk crap (negative) about the female co-workers who were giving him oral sex in the parking lot at his work. He had also talked badly about his overweight and single ex girlfriend who he was having an emotional/online/Facebook/nude pice swapped relations with. I thought it was strange that he would talk so badly about these people and he would volunteer the info - and I had no idea who he was often talking about. He would reassure me that he would "never cheat on me" even though I did not ever accuse him of such wrongdoings. I have never been a jealous or snoopy person. Sometimes I wish I had looked at the cellphone bills more closely and his activities on his laptop. Yes he was obsessed with online porn (you name it, females, girl on girl, gay porn, foot fetish websites, voyuerism websites, etc). His internet history showed that he would even look at porn or enter chatrooms on his laptop while the family was up and about in the home but he hid it very well. He would close out a screen or become agitated if the kids or myself would walk behind him and ask what he was up to. Stupid me - I trusted him. The sex life got so bad that we did not have sexual relations for a year and a half. I knew something was not right with him but like I said, I could not figure it out because of the lies he told me. There were many times he would reject me sexually and make excuses (Im late for work, I don't feel well, etc.) and he was impotent in the bedroom. His impotence problem concerned me - at first I thought he wasn't attracted to me but his excuse was always his asthma or he was sick, etc. He had many excuses over the years. He would even shower two to three times in a 24 hour period and I thought that was a strange change in his behavior. I think now that he tried to shower or wash his guilt away. My daughter even told me recently that she felt that something was not right in the marriage between us when she was in middle school. Kids pick up on things more than we would like to admit. The saddest part about his denial is that I do not believe that he will ever fully grasp the pain and the trauma that he has caused myself and my kids. He chose to run away from it rather than face it when things got tough or awkward after he finally got caught. He even admitted to me that if he had never been caught, he would have likely kept up what he was doing. Sex addicts will neglect everything from their own wives, children, responsibilities at home, even finances and their jobs. Their drug of choice is that sexual high as they use that as a coping mechanism for much deeper problems they may have. I do not wish this upon anyone, whether it be a wife or a husband who discovers they are married to a sex addict. I know the pain it causes. I have a long road to recovery for myself to heal from this. He is a lost cause and its sad.


This is all very normal for a person with a sex addiction. So often women come here and post that their husband keeps rejecting them for sex. They make all kinds of excuses for him and all they while they complain. But they do not want to admit that he's most likely getting it elsewhere.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> This is all very normal for a person with a sex addiction. So often women come here and post that their husband keeps rejecting them for sex. They make all kinds of excuses for him and all they while they complain. But they do not want to admit that he's most likely getting it elsewhere.


They might be making excuses because the husbands are "gas lighting" them. That is, manipulating them with constant lies and shift blaming. The wives may be so confused that they doubt their own instincts and gut feelings. It is indeed emotional abuse to do this to someone. It not only happens in marriages/relationships (gas lighting) but can be seen in friendships or other working relationships too. I have read a lot about it - I had no clue what it was until I read up on it. 

"Gas lighting" - google it. It is an eye opener. Everything made sense to me once I understood what was happening.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> A true horror story that also is true, unreal. This man deserves to be in prison, their are people in prison that haven't done anything like what he has done, he is a very troubled man indeed. He has risen to a new level of dishonesty, his lifestyle is that of a serial cheat who has no way of being able to fathom his depths of depravity. A man who even he had affairs with men and women actually dragged his own family into this mess, a man who has reached the bottom and will always feed there. You are so right to mention the " No contact rule ", get this scumbag out of your life NOW. The only thing now to do is to protect yourself and family from this horrendous human being, he must not play any part in you life, your daughters life also. Divorce and good riddance, not much to look back on but maybe you should continue to talk and write about this man as a warning to others, he is not alone i am afraid to say, many people will be living with people like this and maybe even worse, hellish but true. Stay strong and healthy, you will need all your ducks in a row to shift this thing from your life.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


I couldn't agree more. Thanks for the kind words. There is a lot to share with my story. I want to share with everyone even if it could possibly help someone else who is coping with a similar situation. I am going to share a specific quote directly from several of his lengthy emails that I found he sent to various women during our marriage (anonymous of course, no names will be revealed). Over 90 percent of his emails and texts were nasty or XXX material discussing details of sexual acts and genitals so I won't share that garbage here on this forum. Will it help others to better understand a sex addict? No idea. I think it can reveal the level of manipulation that occurs towards the spouse, the family and the mind games they play with others to carry on their charades or their secret lives. 

I will call it, "From the Mind of A Sex Addict"

“….all I want you to understand, which I think you already do, is that I can’t get over to see you every night. Unfortunately I think I’m able to make it to see you once to twice a week I’m doing pretty good. It’s hard to explain, its just that everyone in my family knows my schedule so damn well. When I work, when I leave, where I drive to and where I stay. So to deviate away from any of that is very suspicious looking. Nine times out of ten, when I get off work someone is waiting to talk to me on my drive or waiting for me when I get home awake. Its done at my house and at my dads house, so they can spend some time with me before the end of the day. So for me to be able to sneak off once or twice a week is actually quite the accomplishment…though I do get very nervous at the idea of getting caught. Every night when I stay at my dads, im on the phone until like 4 or 5 am finding out what happened at home while I have been gone, then im on the phone again when I drive to work and drive home. Yet another thing that is hard to deviate from because I have been doing it for so many years. One of the few times now that I get to myself is here at my dads after I hang up the phone, close the door to my room and start masturbating while I think about you. By the way you were wonderful last night!!! Haha. Made quite the mess everywhere. Maybe that was too much information, but I just want you to see why its so hard for me to come over. But I do believe I found a way to see you. I had to lie to my wife again. Hehe”

“…..yes, on my days off, you are constantly on my mind. I try to control that to a certain point because I do have my family to tend to, so I hope you understand that part. Since you and I have been talking, and messing around, there has not been more than two days that have gone by where I have not jerked off thinking about you. This part you may not want to hear, but I will tell you anyways……even when I have sex with my wife now, all I am thinking about is it being you. Sick?? Twiste?? Weird?? Well then again maybe it is……weird is my thing…..remember how in love I am with your feet?? Hehe.”

“Well I am the married dirtbag that crossed the line for you. Doesn’t have anything to do with being tough enough for this, its just our desire and passion for eachother has always ultimately taken over. It was NEVER a purely physical relationship with us. Ur just irresistible in many ways….not just physically.”

“Im sorry that u got emotionally F***** by me. I didn’t want that to happen. Whether u believe me or not I ended up in the same boat as u when it comes to you. You ended up more than just a “buddy” to me, I never expected any emotion to get involved when it came to you and i. Ive never been in this position where I want to be in two different places with two different women. One thing that has been happening is when im home my head isn’t here, and it is causing problems here. Not ur problem but I just wanted to tell you that I am having issues myself……cause of you!!!!!!! Hehe.”

“Yeah I get it u got a boyfriend. It was ok for me to cheat but not u. I know that’s besides the point. Im sure he wouldn’t of been too happy that u were writing and talking to me. But whatever. Im done. Goodnight.”

“Heres a pic of my wife. Does she look doable to you? I have more home videos of the wife blowing me if u wanna see. Keep sending all that good porn too. I love it! It gets me so damn hard! By the way, don’t share this with anyone ****** I don’t want ******* to do something stupid like tell my wife about us hehe. If I get caught I will be so F***** if I have to pay alimony and child support the rest of my life. “

“Believe it or not, she didn’t even notice I was late til I got home. Even then, she didn’t care. I have the same problem with you. I cant remember ever being with someone that made an hour feel like 5 minutes. All we really do is just sit together and hold each other and it always flies by so fast. When Im with you I feel like there is no one else in the world!! And see what happens, I forgot to go home at a decent time. Hehe. TROUBLE MAKER!! I had a terrific time with you last night, every time has always been terrific and amazing to me. im glad I stayed late too. Hope you ask me to stay again sometime soon. I like it when you take the intiative.”


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

missguineafur said:


> They might be making excuses because the husbands are "gas lighting" them. That is, manipulating them with constant lies and shift blaming. The wives may be so confused that they doubt their own instincts and gut feelings. It is indeed emotional abuse to do this to someone. It not only happens in marriages/relationships (gas lighting) but can be seen in friendships or other working relationships too. I have read a lot about it - I had no clue what it was until I read up on it.
> 
> "Gas lighting" - google it. It is an eye opener. Everything made sense to me once I understood what was happening.


Yes, I am very much aware of what gaslighting is. 

I also understand the why the women are making excuses. I've had similar, not as sever, but similar situation in marriage. Once you have been through it, it's pretty easy to recognize. That's why it's frustrating when we see other women (and some men) being gas lighted.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

missguineafur, I don't have much else to add, except to say I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It is just horrible. Prayers for your comfort and healing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Unfortunately, all sorts of addictions cause so much heartache to the SO and family who endures, emotional neglect, abandonment, gas lighting, etc. Only when it is clear there is an addiction does the reality and fog lift.

However, sex addiction IMO is a whole other level of emotional upheaval and betrayal, glad you are getting your life back together and are divorcing him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@missguineafur

There is a thread that I would love to see your response to. Here's the link...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/387010-husband-not-interested-sexual-intimacy.html


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

Thanks so much - I will read the link/post and respond back later. 

I also wanted to share an article that I found last year. At my time of crisis, I found it to be a very in-depth article on the subject matter. The first time I read it (it is long but worth the read) I felt like whomever wrote it truly understood the tornado of emotions I was going through after the initial "discovery". The author nailed it! 

*The link is titled......"healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity. Infidelity is traumatic, but it is not your fault. Staying or leaving after an affair." I am not sure how to post links - sorry. *

I agree that it is so frustrating to see others making what seem to be "excuses" for their spouses inappropriate behaviors. My own sister even tried to warn me 9/10 years into the marriage that she sensed that his behavior was "off" somehow and I brushed her concerns off and made excuses for him at the time. Now that I look back on it, I see what was going on. It is a very hard pill to swallow when you discover that your spouse is capable of doing these horrific things to hurt you, to discover that your marriage was a "lie" very much like mine was, and that your spouse is a pathological liar and capable of betraying you and abusing your trust in them. 

I will try to find the "No Contact Rule" that I found in an article to post here for others to read about. It is geared towards the spouses who are no longer living together and urges the betrayed spouse to cut off all contact. If there are children involved though, that makes it more difficult to cease communication when you need to arrange visitation, etc. But it covers that also. It is very much like the 180 but it is more brutal and necessary for the betrayed spouse's own sanity. No Contact Rule is just that. Block their calls, emails, etc. if you must. No contact - the cheating spouse gets the axe. Especially if they were manipulating or gas lighting you. You must have the willpower to follow through with it. Enough was enough for me. It took me just over a year before I finally had enough of his continued manipulation. The manipulation continued even after he was caught, confronted, and kicked out of the house for good. Recently he attempted to manipulate me, to pull at my heart strings. I had asked him numerous times over the past year to stop contacting me and to leave me alone but his responses were always. "but i love you, i will always love you, i can't live without you, I'm lost without you. Can I please talk to our son?" He would open up a line of communication with me (appearing so innocently) and suckered me right back in every time. My response to him was , "you don't know what love is. you never will. i don't want to hear your lies anymore." But he had a rebuttal every time for me. "But I'm not lying. Its not a lie. I love you." It was a vicious cycle of manipulation that I am now aware of. 

The vicious cycle.....I believe now, when I look back on everything, that whenever he sensed he was losing his grip on me or losing control of me - the manipulation and the wooing and lies would start once again. During the marriage he would shower me with expensive gifts and flowers and pricey perfumes - for NO REASON. I thought he was just the sweetest husband at the time BUT he wasn't interest in me sexually quite often and I was dying inside and yearning for that human touch. He always said I was his best friend but he treated me like a stranger at home. He created this web of lies that I would believe to be true - he portrayed a different person than who he really was. But his mask would eventually crumble. He has many masks - the master manipulator - master of defiance. This past year, the vicious cycle would repeat over and over like a broken record while he sat "on the fence" about resolving our marriage and making excuses. He would often say "i don't know" and "i don't know what to do" and "I'm so confused" when I would question his motives behind the affairs and his inappropriate behaviors. The bottom line - he just didn't want to ever get caught because he is emotionally impotent and incapable of facing his own consequences for his actions. He always had the same response/excuse for what I had to say. He was always defiant and very defensive when I confronted his manipulative ways after he was finally caught. You see, I was on guard now - I was on high alert and I did not want to be hurt by him anymore. He showed a pattern every time. I realized that he was seeking approval from me like he did with his multiple affair partners. His low self esteem brought him to that pathetic level - the lowest of the low. Seeking attention anywhere he could get it. Even seeking approval from me when it was convenient for him. He would talk negatively about himself so that I would reply with a positive statement to make him feel better - feel loved and wanted. Little did I know at the time - he has low self esteem which is another deep rooted issue for the sex addict and the serial cheaters of the world. His demeanor would change when he felt that I still had feelings or emotions for him. But when I yanked that away and finally told him that I did not love him anymore - he couldn't handle it. He ran like a B**** probably crying in his bowl of Wheaties while grooming his crushed ego. Thats not what he wanted to hear from me - the honest and brutal truth. He does not deal with rejection well. He must feel wanted by others in order to survive - it is Pathetic! So I finally gave him the axe - The No Contact RULE. He will learn to live without me because he has no choice and I will move on with my life and I will heal from this. I want nothing to do with him - not ever. He is a waste of oxygen in my eyes. He is a stain on society. He is a pervert and a deviant scum. I can do so much better and I deserve better! I FEEL SO FREE!!!!! But yet I still struggle sometimes with grieving and mourning of that family unit that I so wanted and once cherished. I have learned the hard way that it was a waste of time and my energy for me to try to get him the help that he desperately needs and to make him understand the gravity of what he had done and damage that it caused. You cannot reason with a sociopath. You cannot reason with the unreasonable. You cannot reason with someone who is unstable in the mind and who lacks empathy towards others. You cannot reason with a pathological liar. They will lie on top of their lies and continuing lying because in their minds, they think it is easier to lie than to face the harsh consequences (much like when we were children and we told white lies to our folks because we knew we would be punished). 

I will always remember something that a marriage counselor once told me during a private session in December of 2015. We had gone to marriage counseling less than 6 times before he began whining and complaining to me that "she" was judging him for what he had done and giving him strange looks during our sessions. She urged him to be completely transparent with me as he resisted. She urged him to attend SAA meetings. She knew he had a sex addiction in the first session. I didn't even know what a sex addict was. This was news to me. He never once would disclose any of his inappropriate actions to me - not once. I discovered everything on my own accord. He fired her soon after and told me he wanted to see a "male" counsellor instead - that the man would better understand him. During my last solo session with her, she had looked at me and said, *"I have been a family and marriage counselor for almost 30 years. I have seen many cases of adultery and infidelity in other relationships over the years. He is clearly a sex addict and has many issues. This is the worst case of infidelity and adultery that I have ever seen or heard of during my career. I do not feel that he will never change." *

Indeed, a hard pill to swallow.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @missguineafur
> 
> There is a thread that I would love to see your response to. Here's the link...
> 
> ......talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/387010-husband-not-interested-sexual-intimacy......


WOW. I think I have been hit by de ja vu. I feel for her - I really do. My heart bleeds for her as I went through the exact same scenario. I am going to cut to the chase and be very blunt - - Her husband is a sex addict and a porn addict. There. I said it. It sucks. He is hiding something from her and its not good. Her initial post and follow up posts nearly mirrored my situation during the marriage when trouble began brewing. Her husband is likely gas lighting her and she doesn't see it yet. That explains the excuses that the wife makes for his behavior. She has made excuses for his porn addiction. She sounds like the quintessential loving wife who wants nothing more than her marriage to work - she sounds just like me. Her story is my story. Just like her, all I wanted was that human connection, for my husband to touch me, and to want me. Sex addicts are incapable of providing that human connection. They are lacking in the relationship department - incapable of being that loving spouse that their spouses so deserve. They lack empathy which is how they are capable of carrying on with their secret lives and neglecting their loved ones at home. 

Some major revelation has to occur before she will wake up and see him for his true colors. Catching him cheating and discovering his secrets - all of his secrets usually is what has to occur to awaken her. They don't call it the world wide web for nothing. Nothing that you do on the internet is private. A simple google search of my husbands known email addresses is when i discovered the gay porn sites he had frequented, amongst other porn sites, online hookup sites, voyuerism websites, foot fetish websites. I had no idea my husband had a twitter account, an AOL email account, a HOTMAIL account, texting apps on his phone, the list goes on and on - and it was full of porn and an electronic paper trail of his infidelities. His youtuber account - he was following porn stars. His twittering account - he was liking nude photos of various women and foot fetish pics. He had a blogger account with swinging couples erotic stories that he would frequent. These swingers/blog would post home sex movies and my husband obliged in watching them - probably while I was 10 feet away cooking his dinners in the kitchen. All of this online activity was revealed to me from a simple google search. I hit the Motherload of evidence - thanks to the internet! Thanks google! They say the truth shall set you free - but it is a rollercoaster of emotions and sometimes we aren't prepared to handle the truth. 

Maybe she should read my post?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

missguineafur said:


> WOW. I think I have been hit by de ja vu. I feel of her - I really do. I am going to cut to the chase and be blunt. Her husband is a sex addict and a porn addict. He is hiding something from her and its not good. Her initial post and follow up posts nearly mirrored my situation during the marriage when trouble began brewing. Her husband is likely gas lighting her and she doesn't see it yet. That explains the excuses that the wife makes for his behavior. She has made excuses for his porn addiction. She sounds like the quintessential loving wife who wants nothing more than her marriage to work - she sounds just like me. Her story is my story. Just like her, all I wanted was that human connection, for my husband to touch me, and to want me. Sex addicts are incapable of providing that human connection. They are lacking in the relationship department - incapable of being that loving spouse that their spouses so deserve. They lack empathy which is how they are capable of carrying on with their secret lives and neglecting their loved ones at home.
> 
> Some major revelation has to occur before she will wake up and see him for his true colors. Catching him cheating and discovering his secrets - all of his secrets usually is what has to occur to awaken her. They don't call it the world wide web for nothing. Nothing that you do on the internet is private. A simple google search of my husbands known email addresses is when i discovered the gay porn sites he had frequented, amongst other porn sites, online hookup sites, voyuerism websites, foot fetish websites. I had no idea my husband had a twitter account, an AOL email account, a HOTMAIL account, texting apps on his phone, the list goes on and on - and it was full of porn and an electronic paper trail of his infidelities. His youtuber account - he was following porn stars. His twittering account - he was liking nude photos of various women. All of this online activity was revealed to me from a simple google search. I hit the Motherload of evidence - thanks to the internet! Thanks google! They say the truth shall set you free - but it is a rollercoaster of emotions and sometimes we aren't prepared to handle the truth.
> 
> Maybe she should read my post?


I was hoping that you would post on her thread. I am not sure if she is still reading here. But I think that if she is, she needs to read what you have to say.

I'm concerned because others on that thread are telling her that he is probably just a low drive man. I rather doubt that.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, I am very much aware of what gaslighting is.
> 
> I also understand the why the women are making excuses. I've had similar, not as sever, but similar situation in marriage. Once you have been through it, it's pretty easy to recognize. That's why it's frustrating when we see other women (and some men) being gas lighted.


I had never heard of gas lighting before. I am hoping to shed a light on the subject to others who may be going through this emotional torture. I agree with you - it is frustrating to see others being gas lighted and the writing is on the wall. They can't see the writing on the wall yet. I have nothing but sympathy for anyone who is going through this - I want to make them see the light. I want to tell them my story in hopes that they will finally see. It just breaks my heart.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

I posted for her. Hoping she reads it. I am not sure how to link to this post for her. I am new at this forum thing 

Right. Low sex drive - no I don't think so. Not at his age. 

She describes every red flag imaginable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is another thread that might interest you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html

In the first post on that thread I give a lot of resources for women in marriages in which their husband choses to make the marriage sexless, or near sexless. One of them is a book that talks about a study of men who have done this. I posted the list of reasons that men gave in that study. Only 3% say that they are not interested in sex.

I'm sure that there are LD men. But most of the men who do not have sex with their wives simply do not want sex with their wives. They are mostly getting it somewhere else... cheating or using porn. Some, a smaller percentage are sex addicts. I think I read some studies that say that about 6% of men can be classified as sex addicts.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> There is another thread that might interest you.
> 
> ...........//talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.htm.........
> 
> ...


I did come across that thread already. It was interesting. I have read those studies as well but Ive also read somewhere that the sex addiction percentage is much higher than they think because it is an unknown subject to most people - even a taboo subject tied closely to ADULTERY - a shameful matter that society is awkward about discussing. Also because sex addiction is not officially diagnosed or reported as much as alcoholism, gambling, illicit drugs or other addictions that Psychiatry recognizes as a problem. Cheating - serial cheaters even are often begrudged by most and the attitude of most people is "Well, every man cheats" OR "She probably wasn't putting out to her husband so she deserves it" OR "Every guy looks at porn - its normal - its healthy!" And from what I have also read, that Sex Addiction is a new problem that is appearing more and more in the media thanks to celebrities who announce to the world "Im a sex addict and that is why I cheated or gave my wife AIDS." Most people don't buy that sex addiction is a problem but rather an excuse for the cheater. Another "label" or description for "adultery" or "cheating." 

I can see it now. Here is an awkward conversation to have with a friend or family member even.......

_"Hey - how have you been doing!?"

"Not so well. Just found out my husband cheated on me with my co-worker, my best friend, my sister, his ex girlfriend, a few other friends - Oh and he is a porn addict and our sex life sucks."

"Ooooohh.......Ummmmmm......Sorry to hear that." ((Changed subject because most people don't know what to say or they give crappy advice which can re-traumatize the betrayed spouse allover again))_


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

There is a BLOG online called something like *"Married to a Sex Addict"* I believe thats what the website is called. A woman started it to share her personal story. 

Its filled with true stories/accounts of lots and lots of women who share the same heartbreaking story of sex addiction sometimes even coupled with porn addiction and sometimes pedophelia and other illegal activities in which their husbands were arrested for prostitution, solicitation, indecent exposure, etc. It was an eye opener. When I found it last year - I didn't feel so alone anymore. Some of these women even share updates on their stories - separation, divorce, after divorce, how they are doing, what they learned from the experience, etc. 

I cannot link URLs as of yet - so someone can search it online. Another eye opening read.

One last website/article I found which is thorough and well written......called *"Infidelity is Traumatic. But it is not your fault. You're not to blame. The confusion and pain of navigating a spouses betrayal."* I had mentioned it in an earlier post and urge anyone to read it. 

It covers ALL of these topics: What Does A Spouses Infidelity Feel Like, Behaviors of a Cheater, Personal Healing After Infidelity, Betrayed Spouses Responses to Infidelity, Trauma Of Infidelity, Infidelity Shatters Self-Esteem, Betrayed Spouse Blaming & Humiliation, Introduction Of Fear, Lies Of Omission & Blame shifting, Infidelity Gaslighting, Character-logical Self-Blame, Behavioral Self-Blame, Infidelity Triggers, Betrayed Spouse Cycle, Invalidation vs. Respect, Stop The Self-Blame, Infidelity and Responsibility, Infidelity As Abuse, You Did Not Deserve To Be Cheated On, How Does A Betrayed Spouse Heal, Should I Stay After Infidelity?, Is Infidelity A Dealbreaker?


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

Before I call it a night, I will share one last thing with everyone for the evening. Two of many emails I had found in his secret email account when the proverbial poo hit the fan. It wasn't just the content of these emails that crushed me, shocked me and destroyed my dignity, but it was the dates they were sent. It doesn't get any lower than this. 

April 27 is my birthday. A day of the year that he showered me with gifts and flowers even when the sexless marriage was in crisis. 

February 21 was our wedding anniversary. A day of the year that he never forgot. Again, he would shower me with gifts, flowers, chocolates even when the sexless marriage was in crisis. 

*"From the Mind of a Sex Addict"*

Thu, Feb. 21, 2013 4:30 am (sent to a female co-worker/affair partner) 

_"You like to tell me that I forgot about you. Sorry, not true. I just don't want to be an annoyance with my constant messages and my hitting on you. If only you knew how much you are still on my mind. More than you can imagine. I have pictures of you on my email account and look at them when I think of you. I have a picture of you on my "F" drive at work......i look at that on occasion and don't worry no one has seen me do that.
I miss your touch, your feel, your kiss...your taste. I didn't think it would be appropriate to tell you these things....so I didn't. Oh, by the way I forgot to include I miss your feet and your A** too......didnt want to leave that out. You still have a hold on me, when you called me earlier at work tonight and we were joking around and I heard your voice and your laugh.....uhh, i kinda had a chubby. wtf is wrong with me?? Well, i hope you have a good day at work....if thats possible."_

Fri, Apr. 26, 2013 2:47 am (sent to a married female friend from HS)

_"Of course I remember you! I had many nights alone with you in my mind, I could never forget you. How have you been? I lost your email a while back. Hows ur family been doing?
Things are so so here. I can't complain too much, married nine years and we are pretty much just roommates now. Kinda sucks, but at the same time i don't seem to really care, just causes a lotta jerking off. The kids are great, my step daughter is gonna be 15 in a couple weeks, she's typical as a teen. Horny like a monster. My son is 9 now and doing terrific. 
Let me know how you're doing and also if you know any horny women that want a border line old guy for cheap meaningless sex! Hope to hear from you soon."_

Yeah. What a dirtbag. Good riddance! 

Good night


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel for you so much. I found out some terrible things about my first husband after 23 years of marriage which completely devastated me.That very day I asked him to leave and he did. I can't speak of the details here because others are involved and its not something I will ever discuss on a public forum. 
Even now 17 years later I have only told a handful of people. Most people assumed he had another woman and I let them think that. 

It took years to begin to get over what he had done and the betrayal, and wondering if I would be able to trust another man, but 6 years later I did meet my now lovely husband of nearly 12 years. Yes, I still have that slight fear of loss and betrayal again despite the fact that my husband is the most moral man of integrity I have ever met, and he has helped with my healing a lot, as has my Christian faith.I was very strict about what sort of man I wanted this time. 
A Christian, no porn at all, strong moral values, complete honesty, integrity, decency, and faithfulness. I wasn't going to compromise even though there arent meny men out there like that. 
My advice, take a day at a time, get counseling if you need it and don't even think of dating again for a couple of years. It was 4 years before I felt emotionally ready to even think of another man, and my children and keeping the family going was my first priority anyway.I had no emotional of physical energy for anything else. 

Another thing that helped me was writing down all my feelings and hurts, you may want to try it.

What your husband has done is appalling, its way above the usual stories we see here, his mind is in the gutter and his morals are non-existent. I don't believe all this 'sexual addiction' nonsense, we chose how we act and he has done many awful sick things, maybe the worst having naked pictures of your daughter and sister on his phone. He is clearly a danger to teenagers. I do think that many people claim 'addiction' to excuse their appalling behavior. We ALL have a choice to do the right thing or the wrong thing. They want us to think they can't help it. 
Also this idea of 'well all men cheat/look at porn, it's no big deal' is completely wrong. Many men go against the flow and stay away from porn use and many never cheat. 

I am amazed he had the gall to even think that you may consider reconciliation, his actions are sick.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

missguineafur said:


> Before I call it a night, I will share one last thing with everyone for the evening. Two of many emails I had found in his secret email account when the proverbial poo hit the fan. It wasn't just the content of these emails that crushed me, shocked me and destroyed my dignity, but it was the dates they were sent. It doesn't get any lower than this.
> 
> April 27 is my birthday. A day of the year that he showered me with gifts and flowers even when the sexless marriage was in crisis.
> 
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I feel for you so much. I found out some terrible things about my first husband after 23 years of marriage which completely devastated me.That very day I asked him to leave and he did. I can't speak of the details here because others are involved and its not something I will ever discuss on a public forum.
> Even now 17 years later I have only told a handful of people. Most people assumed he had another woman and I let them think that.
> 
> It took years to begin to get over what he had done and the betrayal, and wondering if I would be able to trust another man, but 6 years later I did meet my now lovely husband of nearly 12 years. Yes, I still have that slight fear of loss and betrayal again despite the fact that my husband is the most moral man of integrity I have ever met, and he has helped with my healing a lot, as has my Christian faith.I was very strict about what sort of man I wanted this time.
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

missguineafur said:


> Before I call it a night, I will share one last thing with everyone for the evening. Two of many emails I had found in his secret email account when the proverbial poo hit the fan. It wasn't just the content of these emails that crushed me, shocked me and destroyed my dignity, but it was the dates they were sent. It doesn't get any lower than this.
> 
> April 27 is my birthday. A day of the year that he showered me with gifts and flowers even when the sexless marriage was in crisis.
> 
> ...


This reminds me of my ex. I found out that he had on-line affairs with at least 10 women, all going at the same time. He did meet some of them in person .... 3 or 4 of them. These were all women that he was carrying on with while we dated, unknown to me. The relationships carried on through the first 2 years of our marriage.

I did a lot of snooping and found out a lot about all the women. I also pretended to be him to chat/email with most of them and got more info that way. Then I told each of them that he was married and had lied telling them that he was not. Every one of these women believed that they were his one true love. After all he had spent so much time online with them chatting, emailing, sexting and even on the phone. Some were writing him via is work address. He traveled a lot for work so the ones he met in person for live sex lived in the cities he traveled to. He used to send them gifts, wrote them love poems, etc. So each though that she was his real love. 

What I came to realize was that he had as many as 5 chat windows open at a time and was chatting, sexting, etc. with all of them at one time. He's write a poem and send the same poem to all of them. With each thinking it had been written for them alone. Every one of the women was 'in love' with him and thought that he was in love with them.

I had copies of all of his emails and chats. So I zipped them up and sent them to all of the women. That way all of the women could see that he was online at the same time (time stamps) saying the exact same words to each of them. He was sending them all the exact same poems. I of course included an email pointing out details like dates, and identical chat from him to several of them at once. 

He never heard from any of them again. They all blocked him. One of them called me and thanked me.

While he was carrying on with these women, before I figure this out, he was not acknowledging my birthday, our anniversary, valentine's day, etc. But he was sending cards and gifts to several of the women.


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> This reminds me of my ex. I found out that he had on-line affairs with at least 10 women, all going at the same time. He did meet some of them in person .... 3 or 4 of them. These were all women that he was carrying on with while we dated, unknown to me. The relationships carried on through the first 2 years of our marriage.
> 
> I did a lot of snooping and found out a lot about all the women. I also pretended to be him to chat/email with most of them and got more info that way. Then I told each of them that he was married and had lied telling them that he was not. Every one of these women believed that they were his one true love. After all he had spent so much time online with them chatting, emailing, sexting and even on the phone. Some were writing him via is work address. He traveled a lot for work so the ones he met in person for live sex lived in the cities he traveled to. He used to send them gifts, wrote them love poems, etc. So each though that she was his real love.
> 
> ...


I did something similar several weeks after finding the emails, etc. I still don't know why but even though all of these women knew he was married and had a family - I felt a bit of sympathy because they were all duped much like I was - in a way. I sent a BCC email to all of them and told them it was in their best interests to get checked for STDs and AIDS as my husband the serial cheater, was also involved with several gay men which included the exchange of bodily fluids. I never heard so much as a peep from them. Not a word from any of them. I could imagine the look on their faces as they probably felt an urge of panic while frantically dialing their Doctors and making emergency appointments. Another female co-worker he was attempting to have sexual relations with early on - I had discovered emails that he sent to another female co-worker talking badly about her. He was telling this other woman that she was ugly and how she annoyed him at work. I forwarded those emails to her so that she could see what kind of person he really was. He was also sharing pics of these women to his male buddy (married too) and bragging to him, saying "hey look at this latest one at work." You guessed it. I forwarded those to the women so that they could see what kind of person he really was. One woman - married at his work was also married to one of my husbands male co-workers. He would later contact me via FB and asked me what I knew was going on between our Spouses. I forwarded to him every dirty, nasty, explicit email that his wife exchanged with my husband including their nudie pics. I felt sorry for him. But I told him that his wife and my husband were dirtbags and good luck - not to contact me anymore. Most of whom my husband was cheating on me with was female co-workers including married ones. My father would always say, "don't sh** where you eat." He did just that. He works for a large govt agency and I am sure that they are all still talking about him - and not in a good way. You reap what you sow. 
I will never understand why anyone would start an inappropriate relationship with someone they know to be married or already in a relationship. I know that I would never stoop to that level. In a way I think that they all deserved what they got by finding out he wasn't such a nice guy after all, but a small part of me will always feel like he preyed on everyones emotions. I believe that all of them must have had low self esteem to do what they did. I think you must have very low self esteem to have a relationship with a married man or woman. You are the lowest of the low. You will not only help to destroy that marriage but any children involved will pay the ultimate price as well. But sadly, most people are selfish and don't care about the consequences until it hits them in the face and its too late. Just ask my soon to be ex husband LOL. He has paid the ultimate price for his actions and him having to hand over more than two thirds of his monthly paycheck to me is the biggest F - U I could do to him. I am laughing all the way to the bank. :grin2:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

missguineafur said:


> I will never understand why anyone would start an inappropriate relationship with someone they know to be married or already in a relationship.


Often times, married people chose to have affairs with married people. Why? Because a married affair partner will help to hide the affair. They are usually only interested in recreational sex and not breaking up any marriages. It's a lot safer than cheating with single people.


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