# Just found out



## Contra (Nov 16, 2010)

Hi guys 
I have just found out that my wife of 12 years has been in a sexual relationship for 2 months.I love her dearly and want her to stop.
She says that she loves him and that the spark for me is gone. I have asked her to get him to back of so we can work it out with no reply. What do i do? Please give me some advise


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This post, and these contributors are a great place to start:
 3 Things Needed to Rebuild Trust

If she is still caught in the thick of the affair, there isn't much you can _make_ her do.

The most effective things in my mind are to take steps to shatter the 'fantasy' aspect of the affair. However doing so, also means that _you_ must take severe measures, and effectively risk the relationship.

Mileage may vary with any of these:

- Expose the affair 
- Insist she move out ... immediately.
- Sever all joint finances, cell phones, credit cards. 

The thinking goes that the more painful you make conducting the affair, the less appealing it becomes.


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## Contra (Nov 16, 2010)

Dont think that is the way for me to go but thank you.I have put dought in her head as to what she wants to do. She has told me to act normal and dont pressure her so she can think.I hope this is the truth and not just a way for her to avoid me.I am 100% going to try and get back but scared to push it.HELP


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Contra said:


> Dont think that is the way for me to go but thank you.I have put dought in her head as to what she wants to do. She has told me to act normal and dont pressure her so she can think.I hope this is the truth and not just a way for her to avoid me.I am 100% going to try and get back but scared to push it.HELP


Do what you must. I don't say this to make you feel worse, but your 'way' of asking her, exerting no pressure, and being fearful that she will leave you if you push to hard, means only one thing:

she will continue to sleep with another man.

Until you come to that realization as well - and you will eventually, I wish you the best.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Contra said:


> Dont think that is the way for me to go but thank you.I have put dought in her head as to what she wants to do. She has told me to act normal and dont pressure her so she can think.I hope this is the truth and not just a way for her to avoid me.I am 100% going to try and get back but scared to push it.HELP


She is trying to avoid you. She wants to continue to cheat on you. If you allow yourself to be a carpet and be walked on, a carpet is what you will be to her.

We teach people how to treat us. Why do you want to teach a cheating ho' to treat you like a carpet?


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Since you want to fight for your marriage, I really think that you need to listen to the people that have posted. You are making her far too comfortable in this situation. She told you to back off and you did. She knows that she has control and you acting like this proves her point. I am not trying to hurt your feelings but if a woman cheated on me, I sure would not be afraid of "pushing her away" by telling her to end the affair and act like the wife that I married. You don't need to be afraid of her losing her because she is not the woman that you married. The woman that you married would have never cheated on you. Be the man that you need to be and you might get that woman back. And if you don't, you can find a woman to be what you want and treat you right. Good luck.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Seriously, she's in the "fog", but if I asked my W to break it off and work on us, just to have her refuse, then I'd let her know that I am actively talking to lawyers and one night, she would come home to a house that has neither my stuff, nor me, in it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Contra said:


> Hi guys
> I have just found out that my wife of 12 years has been in a sexual relationship for 2 months.I love her dearly and want her to stop.
> She says that she loves him and that the spark for me is gone. I have asked her to get him to back of so we can work it out with no reply. What do i do? Please give me some advise


Contra I’m sorry to hear of your situation.

What to do? Within the forum there are two “process” referred to about what to do when an affair is discovered. One is Affaircare’s process and the other is the process over at Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce. The two processes are from my point of view fundamentally different and if I was you I’d take a while to study both processes to see which suits you and your situation best. In addition there are very useful threads in the “Coping with Infidelity” sub forum that you may want to research plus all the great people here who step in and help out.

Your world you once knew has fundamentally changed. It is going to be a trying and tough time for you. This may not make much sense to you at the moment but it would probably be good to build yourself some personal boundaries as a way to protect yourself from what is going on in your life. Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html. If it doesn’t make sense now it may do in the not too far distant future.

Take time to get your emotions under control and back onto an even keel so you can think clearly and rationally. Use personal boundaries to do this.

Bob


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## Contra (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok so here is an update
The guy she has been seeing is living with someone but he told her that they are over.
He did not tell his partner about the affair with my wife.
I have got hold of his first name, cell/mobile number and his work number but have no clue as to his Surename home adress (although it is the same town) or who he works for.I want to confront him and also tell his partner every thing to make life hell for him thus throughing him of his game, but dont no were to start.

Help and advise please guys


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Contra said:


> Ok so here is an update
> The guy she has been seeing is living with someone but he told her that they are over.
> He did not tell his partner about the affair with my wife.
> I have got hold of his first name, cell/mobile number and his work number but have no clue as to his Surename home adress (although it is the same town) or who he works for.I want to confront him and also tell his partner every thing to make life hell for him thus throughing him of his game, but dont no were to start.
> ...


What have you done about the "help and advice" I gave you Contra?

Look a lot of people here know the various paths your situation is going to take. Been there done that sort of thing.

But if you are not going to act on the advice and give feedback on what you think of it, what is the point of giving it to you?

Bob


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I normally wouldn't condone confrontation, but since your W already admitted to infidelity, then I guess the ball's in your court.
But if you must confront, do it carefully, even though I thinkl you should focus exclusively on your W.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Contra,

Sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer where you're blaming someone else for what your wife did.

Resist that.

Realize that this is between the 2 of you. While it may feel good to wreck this other guy, it won't help you one bit.

In fact, just think of the high emotional sex your wife and him will have when he tells her what you did to destroy him!

Your wife betrayed you.

If it was not with this man, it would have been another.

The problem is - clearly - between you and your wife. Any steps taken that do not address this fact are wasted effort.


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## ASWGWS (Nov 15, 2010)

Contra,

I feel for you. At this point, you need to take care of yourself. You can't control her. As others have said, don't be a carpet. But if you give her an ultimatum, you have to be prepared for whatever option she takes. Don't focus on her, focus on YOU and take care of yourself. Do what you need to to protect yourself and get yourself strong.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Everyone is different so only you can decide what to do. However, the framework for your decision should be:

1. decide to allow your wife to have sex with other guys (no matter how you might not like it) in exchange for her staying with you. You and her will understand these 'terms' of the marriage and will live with them until any reason she would stay with you (stability, money, friendship, or whatever) is no longer needed or can be provided by someone else.

2. take a strong stand by doing something like what Orion and Deejo suggest.

3. leave the marriage.

Understand that by not taking a strong stand as in #2, you are deciding to do #1 and must learn to accept your wife emotionally and physically with other guys. Only you can decide if the price of allowing other guys to do your wife is worth paying for not being alone. Depending on your personal situation at the moment, this might be a reasonable decision. But only take this course with your eyes wide open and be honest with yourself that this is what you are choosing.


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## Contra (Nov 16, 2010)

Today i got her to ring the guy whilst i was in the room and tell him to back off so she has time to think. I have told her that i will do the same. I have just got to trust her and see what happens bloody hard this is make or break


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