# Husband out of love but comfortable... Help.



## Laowai (Nov 21, 2013)

Hello everyone, I need a little help. I have no one to talk to and I need to sort my thoughts and feelings out.

I'm 30, husband is 32, married for 7 years. We have a sweet 14 month old daughter. During all these years we had a really good marriage, always got along great, had fun and goals and dreams in common. But things started changing about a year ago or so.

My husband started to become more distant. Maybe more "comfortable" or "settled". I started to realize that I was always the one chasing after his affection. He stopped the little sweet gestures, like the occasional sweet text, coming from behind me and giving me a hug while cooking, no more "I love you", no more dates unless I am the one who comes up with the idea. No more celebrating "special" dates (my last birthday he was gone with his friends all day and I didn't get a present). 

He is still a really good husband, and does lots of nice things for me, I just don't feel he's in love with me anymore. If I try to discuss these things with him he mocks me and invalidates my feelings telling me I'm crazy and that I have no reason to feel bad, that he didn't do anything wrong. 

Today I tried to talk to him again and, like always, I ended up even more hurt. I asked him why he doesn't say I love you and he said that people overuse it and that it feels "fake". That hurt, but he doesn't seem to realize it. He just gets all pissy and then goes on about his business. He wont say he's still in love with me, just that "he's pretty happy with the way things are".

I don't want to be in a relationship in which I'm not loved. But I have a daughter and I don't want to ruin hers. Communication sucks since he hates talking about this kind of thing. I feel like I must sacrifice my personal happiness for my daughter. I feel like I walked into my own trap.

Is there any way to turn things around? I really really love my husband and want things to work, but I can't get him on board because he thinks things are fine this way and doesn't care about what I think or feel.

I really try my best to be a good wife. I do everything I can for him. I cook for him, take care of his things. Sex is great, I work hard on myself to stay attractive. I support him on any endeavor he embarks on. I try to stay positive and happy, but sometimes it's really hard.

Please help. Thanks.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Laowai said:


> We have a sweet 14 month old daughter
> 
> But things started changing about a year ago or so.
> 
> He wont say he's still in love with me, just that "he's pretty happy with the way things are".


It appears that the change came about when your daughter was born correct? And he's in the 28-32 year old category which is life changing for many people.

What's going on in the rest of his life? I hate to bring this up but is there a possibility of someone else?


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## Laowai (Nov 21, 2013)

No, I don't think there is anyone else. I would be reaaaallyyy really surprised. He never gave me a reason to think there could be somebody else. I trust him 100%. There are no red flags, no hidden things.
The only thing I suspect is that his feelings for me changed, but he's ok because life is alright for him this way. I want THAT to change. I want him back. 

My daughter really is not the cause. He LOVES being a dad, is very involved and I don't see her as a big factor.

Maybe he started to pull back before she was born, but I didn't realize. Or I thought it was just a phase, or that I could "fix it" by being "better" (sweeter, give him space, working out more to look better, you name it). My fault I guess


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a big fan of getting to the source of when and what caused it. My husband checked out because unbeknownst to me he got crapped on at work. I knew it was work stress I just didn't know how deep it went. In fact I wouldn't find out the 'truth' for another 20 years. Sad isn't it? Gotta love a checked out husband. Sigh.



> Or I thought it was just a phase, or that I could "fix it" by being "better" (sweeter, give him space, working out more to look better, you name it). My fault I guess


Therefore since I too assumed it was a phase and well it wasn't. And I couldn't fix aka nice him out of it no more than you will be able to. Sadly this method has a high failure rate.

How I fixed it was I did a complete 180. I detached, let him go emotionally, stopped being so available, quit being mrs nice wife, no more home cooked meals unless it was for me/kids, I SHUT UP, etc. I focused on making myself happy and meeting my own needs and I observed. I kept my appearance up because that was for me. 

The 180 is designed to help you get YOUR life back. If you use it to change him it will backfire (I should know I went that route too).


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## Laowai (Nov 21, 2013)

He did have a really bad year at work. He hates his job, and he's trying to get a new one, but found one million problems along the way. I guess that can be it, too. I just wish he could be more open about this.
I know nothing about the 180, but I'll look into it. Thanks.

The worst part is that, after I try to explain my feelings and he responds like crap, I feel guilty for giving him more trouble. It really sucks. But I can't shake the "saying I love you feels fake" off.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

See if this rings true for you - substitute he for she in your case. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

This is sort of where I got started. I was the hot one in my marriage.

The more I pursued the more he distanced.

The cure was to stop chasing.

I could talk about this subject for days. LOL


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Laowai - 

Similar timing similar to us. We were married 10 years before we had our first daughter and we were both about 30+ at that time.

You have a 14 month old. Its a big change. You are both neck deep in the extra work, the sleep deprivation, the changing diapers, everything. All this after living like you were on a honeymoon for 7 years. Not only that he hates his job... dont underestimate what hat can do to a person.

Been there. 

For us, there was a lag too. It was temporary and as the kids grew older we found more time and energy to pay attention to each other again. I guess what I'm saying is, based on my own experience - this can pass. I dont mean you dont have to do anything - you can see what is happening... but it may not be the end of the world. I would liken it more to growing pains than to the end of the marriage or cheating.

I cant believe the very first response here is 'is there someone else'. Seriously. Here come the 180 references. Sheesh. 

Words matter. The 'fake' thing would bother me too - but if you are both stressed and tired and hate your job(s).. and feeling too burnt out.... Im not totally surprised. I'm going to put my money on a crappy job that he hates that he is preoccupied with.

When was the last time you had a sitter watch the baby for an entire evening and just the 2 of you could go out for dinner or something? Took us a maybe 18 months before we even left the house hardly it seems (so hard to remember - its a blur)... Looking back on it - I can say that we were both in a very good time (after all we had a new baby) but also a very trying and challenging time.

I admit I may be projecting my own experience onto you just as much as Mavash here... but I dont think it necessary to assume the worst.


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## Laowai (Nov 21, 2013)

Thanks both for your answers. Anotherguy, it's nice to hear the man side. It's probably inevitable in some way to project our experiences when giving advice.

I can understand times have changed and we have lots of challenges. I'll give this time, but I'm not as hopeful. I wish my husband would have said he's overwhelmed with work/family life instead of saying saying I love you is fake. 
I'm really hurt and I guess it will take time for me to adjust.
I don't want to leave because 1-I do love him and he is still as important to me as he was when we married. 2- And most important, our daughter. A divorce is devastating for children, and like I said before my daughter comes before my personal happiness.

I wish I could get him to fall for me again. But I really don't see how. I'll concentrate on my daughter and myself, and I'll try to cope with my sadness. 

I wish more guys would weigh in here. 

To you both that answered, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ask the men in the men's clubhouse. I did that too when I first came here. If I were you I'd want a male translation for his comments about saying I love you is fake.

See what they guys have to say about what he means by that.

Then ask them for suggestions on how to fix.

Great bunch of guys here and I credit them for saving my marriage.

I got my husband to fall back in love with me.


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## Laowai (Nov 21, 2013)

Thanks, Mavash! That's what I will do. You give me hope  Thanks again.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I do not think that the timing of the birth of your child and the change you notice in your husband’s behavior is coincidental.

Becoming a parent for the first time was for me at least the biggest change in my life up to that point.
Going from being a couple with two incomes, free time, spare money, energy to being the sole earner supporting my wife and child, (both) constantly tired, worrying about the finances what the future held. I know that other husbands have had feelings of resentment for the amount of their time that wives have to spend caring for the baby and that if couples are not careful it is easy to make the happiness of the children a priority over the happiness of each other.

I know that I did go through a period when our daughters were small (they are 14 months apart) where I concentrated too much on earning a living / material welfare (I worked away from home / overseas / extra hour sometimes two jobs) and lost track of how important my relationship with my wife was. My wife wrapped herself up in caring for the kids / running the house. Once we both realized that we needed to spend more time rebuilding / maintaining our relationship things slowly got better.

Now after nearly 20 years of marriage and 5 children there are still occasions that one of us will get too wrapped up in our own problems and fail to give the other the attention / respect they deserve but we can / do work to improve ourselves / our partnership.

I know that I have a tendency to focus on the practical and can forget to provide the emotional support others need but I do still love my wife deeply even when I might not express it as often as she would want.

N.B. I think I know where your husband is coming from when he says that just saying “I Love You” feels false, to me it was like taking flowers to my mum on mother’s day you did it because it was expected of me it meant more when I just got her flowers because I chose to even if that was a Wednesday in August, they brightened her room / widened her smile. In the same way getting your partner a gift on their birthday / St Valentine’s Day is something you are expected to do. Things done out of duty are not IMHO as special as things done out of love.


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

Read HIS NEEDS,HER NEEDS.

Some BASICS


*NEEDS IN MARRIAGE For Women
*
Here are what the majority of women say meets their needs the most in
Marriage.

1. Time with him.

2. She wants to be number one priority with him. No other woman, including
his mother can occupy his mind more than her.

3. She wants some household support

4. She wants financial security

5. She wants conversation, understanding and interest in her mind and heart or she will not be interested in him in the bedroom.

6. She wants truth.

7. She wants affection but not always sex

8. She wants him to be involved with their family

*MAN NEEDS*

What do men most want to fill their love tanks?

1. Sexual fulfillment

2. Recreational companionship

3. An attractive spouse

4. Domestic support

5. Admiration also includes respect.​


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I remember when I first became a father 17 years ago. My wife became a sahm at the same time. Not too long after that the realization set in. I'm the husband. I'm responsible for a family. I can't up and quit a job or move or easily break up (not that I wanted to). The responsibility was a huge change and weighed heavily on me. I didn't talk to anyone about it. My wife never acknowledged it and there just seemed to be all these expectations. 

As for the I love you is fake thing, I don't think he meant he doesn't live you. But when saying it becomes as common as 'good morning' or 'have a nice day' it loses its spark. Personally we rarely say it. But when we do, it means something. And it always feels like the first time.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

I know exactly how you feel and I wrote about something similar in this thread about being in a roommate type marriage. 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/143649-tired-being-roommates.html


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> My wife & I similar to your situation. Her affections are all ceremonial. Kiss in the morning, after work & before bed. The " I love you"s are in there as well. I think it does lose spark when you say it too much, like after every phone call or whenever they leave the house.
> My wife doesn't like talking about "us" either & maintains her feelings haven't changed, even though we separated twice in the past 3 years, our sex is less than 20 a year & boring & mechanical. She can go months & not care one way or the other? Our kids are in their 20s & gone so no kid issues. I tell my wife loving someone & being "in love" is two different things. We're just a hair more than room mates, but not a true marriage either.


"20 a year"? We are at the point I'm lucky if it's ten times a year that we have sex.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Wing Man said:


> "20 a year"? We are at the point I'm lucky if it's ten times a year that we have sex.


None of the 20 are nothing to get excited about


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Tell him things are not okay the way they are and go to counseling together.


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