# Hurtful situation



## Hypervibe (Apr 23, 2020)

Hi all,i am soon to be going through a separation,as soon as lockdown is over,she intends to move out,potentially moving back as Roommates in 3-6 months once HER boundaries are set and i can live with that,,she has it all planned out eh ? She still loves me but not in the full sense.

married 23 Years i am 15 years older,sex life hasn’t been great since a few years after we got married,it was the cause of anger,resentment rejection and i did stuff im not proud of,slept with prostitutes as i didnt want Attachement,believe it or not i still loved and wanted HER,and gave it up as a bad idea,Unfulfilled and felt Guilty,so eventually i lived with once or twice a year thinking after her Menopause things would be better,she is 47 now,and I believe going through it.she Found out but we got through it 14 years ago.

we had a few near misses,but always got through,and stayed together,she even joined me in my music world and started singing with me over 4 years ago,which bought us closer together.such fun and we earned a few extra quid.

she got an autoimmune problem which required a warmer climate,and a year ago whilst on holiday here in spain viewed this place,fell in love with it,and went for it,sold our home,paid iff the mortgage bought this,i packed up my job,our gigs,left family and our great social scene,it was 5 months of stress living our full busy life honouring our jobs and gigs right up until weekend of Traveling here,car load of belongins and 4 little dogs 1250 miles.

on arrival we had to establish ourselves here,lots of red tape,many things to conquer in a foreign land,so the stress continued.

she was missing her Gym and running bud Niece,so silly me Asked a so called friend to take her with him hiking,big mistake,i hadnt a clue,two hikes a few times watching his band,and she fell in love ??!! Wtf,Our female friend over for the weekend tipped me off,as she was appalled,i found ever flirtier texts spanning 3 weeks,i caught it before she had slept with him,but the damage was done.

after a month he dumped her,so i was grieving for us,and as we are pretty much alone out her,i felt responsible for her,and was bizarrely comforting her,

its now 3 months on from finding the texts,with or without him she wants to seperate,she wants to be single,completely ruining our Plans,putting extra financial burden on our little income and nest egg,i have tried the usual things a bloke does in these situations,to the predictable failure,she is adamant,she says it was a bolt out if the blue for her,but couldnt help herself she saw in him something she has never felt for me,is sorry,but cant get those feelings for me,family and friends cannot believe it,all the effort to get out here,and mostly for her illness,and she lays this on me.

i have just decided to be as calm as i can,let her get on with it,and see what happens,i had no plan B in all of this,so i have to let her go,this place is hard work,with 4 dogs,i have no income,but she has agreed not to shirk her responsibilities to help me here not every day of course,but also keep finances as they are,certainly for the time being,i am devastated and at the moment have left the door open,but I cannot pressure or reason with her,get upset or angry,it hasnt worked so far,its compounded by the fact we are in lockdown,and she has been getting so many Friend requests male and female,Singles mostl,like she is preparing a network for the future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe you would benefit from doing the same thing she is.... make some friends and start living your life for yourself. If you can with the lockdown, go out for walks. If you have a yard and/or garden, get out and work on it. Basically do thing that are good for you.

Are you wanting to get her to stay? Or are you trying to work on letting this separation happen? Since you two are on lock down together, there are things you could do to try to rebuild the relationship. What do you want?


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## Hypervibe (Apr 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Maybe you would benefit from doing the same thing she is.... make some friends and start living your life for yourself. If you can with the lockdown, go out for walks. If you have a yard and/or garden, get out and work on it. Basically do thing that are good for you.
> 
> Are you wanting to get her to stay? Or are you trying to work on letting this separation happen? Since you two are on lock down together, there are things you could do to try to rebuild the relationship. What do you want?


Luckily we live in the countryside in the mountains above Benidorm,we have plenty of room and a home Studio in the yard,at present I would do whatever i can to get back,she never slept with the guy,as he dumped her before that happened,they saw each other on two hikes then the texts got flirtier,I found the texts a few days after,and they finished it,or rather he did after he Denied to me any interest,blamed all the chasing on her,and even Mocked her as he was feeling like a chased Rabbit,and how can she fall in love after seeing him for a few hours its like a TV prank,people have said he is a player,she persuaded him to rekindle,but then showed me some of what he wrote,no English guy could come up with such BS, Before he actually dumped her,they had met up for coffee once in a busy Cafe,and second time she attended his gig,then loads of BS texts on the sunday,really intense stuff,planned their 3rd Date,by this time id just moved aside,had enough,he dumped her out of the blue on the Monday !!! His fb is full of Middle aged women fawning over him,yet she thinks she was the special one,and someone “Got to him” 

however they still have a little contact but he is keeping her at arms length,,She tells me she thinks its over but wants to be single and although still loves me cannot love me in the way i want.

I would love to believe she could change her mind in time,but i may change my feelings along the way,so its open ended at the moment,I don’t want her to move out,but it may do some good,either get me to move on as she seems to be,or She may realise we do still have bonds,she will certainly miss our dogs,our social life and gigs,but thsts just it,Jury is out wether she will miss me.


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## Hypervibe (Apr 23, 2020)

I think she secretly thinks if he sees her as single in her own place,he will rekindle again,but she is adding so many randoms on her FB and always on Messenger or Whatsaap,to goodness knows who,which actually really sticks the knife in on my present mindset,imagination runs wild,,

i know time is a healer,i am not unattractive,have a fun personality usually and m people all the time Gigging,once we can again,But i love her,thought we would have an amazing life here together,and any old problems we had,should have been nullified when we made this commitment


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## Hypervibe (Apr 23, 2020)

I have read some articles and watched vids,,they made sense and i have tried to implement their suggestions,apart from a few times emotions got the better of me,anger and Crying,but changed my ways that Were destructive in our marriage,far too late of course,but it may help


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She’s gearing up for a big dating life. You should too. Get that divorce started. You don’t need to be anyone’s plan B.

stop doing the pick me dance - it’s never attractive.

start getting busy living. Go out and have fun. Find employment. Meet people and have fun.
Seriously get busy!


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## Hypervibe (Apr 23, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> She’s gearing up for a big dating life. You should too. Get that divorce started. You don’t need to be anyone’s plan B.
> 
> stop doing the pick me dance - it’s never attractive.
> 
> ...


i am retired,but we Came here to gig,me solo and us as a duo,which atm with full lockdown is Null,we can’t do anything atm,so just trying to keep it Civil as we can,actually getting on better than we had for most part,i joined a band about the time i found out,did a couple of rehearsals and a gig,with others lined up,but this scuppered the plans to build my own life away from her,my last resort is to Move back to the uk with my little dog,either move into our other home,or stat with my mum till i get a flat,as I would rather not turf my lovely tenants out,i have plenty of family and friends back home,and could pick up from where i left off with my gigs,far easier than here,but i love this place,its a better pace of life,weather,less crime,less traffic,scenery is stunning


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

while i am sorry you find your self in this situation i get the sense that pining for her will be your undoing and you will look weak in her eyes only by proving you can get on without her can you even hope to prove she needs you more than you need her and maybe you might discover she is no longer the same girl you once placed on a pedestal ....YOU ARE PLAYING WITH A LOSING HAND RIGHT NOW


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## Hypervibe (Apr 23, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> while i am sorry you find your self in this situation i get the sense that pining for her will be your undoing and you will look weak in her eyes only by proving you can get on without her can you even hope to prove she needs you more than you need her and maybe you might discover she is no longer the same girl you once placed on a pedestal ....YOU ARE PLAYING WITH A LOSING HAND RIGHT NOW


You are SO right,what you say ties up with the articles I have read,which i have been trying to adhere to,and play things cool, yet I find myself too bloody soft and slipping back,its A mixed blessing being trapped together here,on the one hand it’s not driving me mad wondering where she is,especially when She does move out,but on the other hand,it’s difficult keeping quiet about things when we are here together all the time,I see her on Facebook,Messenger or Whatsaap,and wonder who the hell she is talking to,it drives me crazy,yet I know its the worse thing I can do,if ind myself wishing i could get half hour with her Phone to see for myself,totally the Wrong thing to conduct myself.


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