# How to explain to my husband that trust has to be maintained and me wanting to have access to his phone isn't lack of trust but transparency?



## Sammytharpen (Aug 17, 2020)

He's had and still has a porn problem. Then came the live cams and video chat/dating sites. Unacceptable. 

My logic is I'm taking on his debt and sharing every part of my life and my physical and spiritual self with him and a joined being but I can't see his online history? He says it's whybim looking and I think that is irrelevant because I should t have to play guessing games and if I make love to you every night the least you can do is let me be able to make sure you're being faithful online or offline


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You know he's probably spending your money on it too. It's not acceptable. Does that mean he has to show you his phone? It means you have a decision to make, which is either live with it or leave. You can't make him not look. He can easily erase the browsing history on any device at any time to make it look like he's not looking. If you don't know that, I'm telling you now that just because his phone is clean doesn't mean a thing anyway. He's probably looking at it at work, at home, in his car, etc. If it isn't acceptable to you, leave.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Let's not kid ourselves here. It actually *is* a lack of trust. And it should be. You shouldn't trust him. He has apparently proven himself to be untrustworthy. 

If you want to make full transparency with his phone one of the requirements for remaining married to him, then you can do that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries. You get to decide what you're willing to put up with in your marriage and from your partner. It's okay to say "I can't be with a partner who cheats and then refuses to give me the transparency I need to heal."

But do it understanding that he is also free to decline to meet your conditions. You need to really think through what that would mean to you. If he continues to refuse to be transparent after having been unfaithful, what will you do? 

You can stay and stay stuck in this loop of misery where you don't trust him because he's an untrustworthy partner.
You can stay, give up on transparency, and try to find a way to be okay with whatever he's getting up to online (and/or offline). 
You can leave, do the work to learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries for yourself, fix your picker, and then see if you can find someone healthier to have a better relationship with. 
What you cannot do - will never be able to do - is make him change. So really think through what you're going to do when/if he decides he's not willing to be transparent going forward.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Sammytharpen

It is not that you have a lack of trust AT ALL. You trust! You trust that he is not being fully honest with you! The issue you have is with his HONESTY, and that is because he has shown himself to be DISHONEST. If he wants you to trust his honesty, then he has to live honestly! If he does not live honestly (in an open and transparent way) thehn he is living dishonestly and you trust his dishonesty. 

Further, the reason a person trusts another person's honesty is because they have proven themselves to be worthy of trust BY BEING HONEST (aka: trusthworthy). They are where they say they are going to be. They do what they say they are going to do. They are with who they say they are going to be with. They DON'T do what they say they have stopped doing. They are home when they say they are going to be home. In other words, their words and their actions MATCH. When words and actions DO NOT MATCH, then they are being dishonest, and they are not worthy of trust (aka trustworthy). 

Finally, there is a difference between PRIVACY and SECRECY. *Privacy* is similar to modesty in that you are authenically you and you let others see the real you, but you have moments to yourself such as going to the bathroom. Now, you aren't trying to hide who you are when you go to the bathroom in private--you're just wanting to do bodily functions without an audience. *Secrecy*, on the other hand, is hiding who you are and letting others believe an image that you project that is NOT who you are, what you believe, or how you live. So secrecy would be telling your spouse you are faithful and how dare they not believe you...and then flirting with someone else on the cell phone and hiding that from your spouse. You are keeping that flirting a secret because you don't want to reveal that you are really an unfaithful person. Can you see the difference?

In conclusion, with your husband you will never be able to "make" him give you his phone and let you look whenever you want. There aren't any magic words to explain this to him. You can't control him--you can only control YOU! And so, since that is the case, you can choose what boundaries you want for your life partner. Remember--boundaries are not "rules for him" but rather they are for you. Envision a little fence around you, and you get to decide what you will and will not allow inside that fence to have access to you. You can decide character traits and qualities that you will and will not allow access to you. So you are not controlling him--he is free to do as he pleases. If he wants to go off and get a hooker in broad daylight, that's his choice and he's free to make it!! BUT your boundary may certainly be "I will only allow a willingly transparent partner in my life to have access to me." By his own choices, he may rule himself out of being with you. Make sense?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If he doesn't get what you're saying that's a big red flag.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A poster here once said, people shouldn't ask othersto simply just trust them. They should behave in a trustworthy manner. Both of you should be giving access to each other's phone and communication devices.

I don't like it when the government says, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear. The government has more resources than an individual. But I believe in a relationship in which you expect the other person to
1. stop dating other people
2. keep your free time open for plans with your partner
3. to disclose everything about the reason / activity that keeps you two apart

just for starters, then buddy boy, you better be forthcoming with me.


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