# Am too stubborn to forgive. Live with resentment or leave?



## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

So my happily married husband started an EA. He texted 8 and 6 hours at a time. In the middle of the night. After making love to me and taking pics of me. After putting me to bed like a child making it seem romantic when really he just wanted to talk to her. And when I found out he cut all ties and still hasn't spoke to her. She got back together with her husband so she got the message. But he protected her identity (her name was under billy) and I had to find out the extent of texts and time by myself b/c he would not be honest. Since I've called him out on the truths I do kno he has been more forthcoming. He admitted to a lot I didn't kno. It was never sexual and we are LOVE match so I'm having trouble understanding how he could do it. And I can't forgive what I don't even understand. What do I do? Is it over? I kno it's my choice but how do u make yourself forgive.
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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

You can't MAKE yourself forgive and you can't forgive out of obligation. I have been through this in a past relationship. Even the part of being lovingly, caringly put to bed so that he could escape to chat. That was a lie to me. Also the hundreds of texts I found after he swore there were only "a handful". Anyway, the point is, when trust has been broken and a spouse has seriously hurt you, then HE has a responsibility to give you as much time as it takes for you to both understand and heal and forgive. It was a risk he took when he chose to put another woman ahead of you. He chose to play and now HE has an obligation to help rebuild your trust for him and your feelings of security and understanding, as long as you are TRYING to understsnd and forgive. Forgiveness can take years actually...it is a willingness to try to work through the pain that he caused, not to be super woman and forgive and forget as easily as if he merely forgot to buy you a card on your birthday. The more painful a situation, the longer forgiveness takes and it is a process, not something that happens with mere words OR overnight.


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## lostlindsey (Jan 6, 2012)

i know that in the end we are no more special than any other couple but if you tried to tell our friends that - they would disagree. everyone was jealous of us and our closeness and our trust with one another. and i was proud of that. i just feel like he ruined something extremely special and from the way he cut things off he did it for nothing. kinda hard for me to accept. though i will admit this site has been helpful. the girlfriends i talk to about this are like "that's all?" and "he stopped right away so why r u mad?" so it has definitely helped to learn i am not some crazy obsessive freak.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Yes, sometimes even our friends don't understand the strength of a hurt til they themselves experience it. 
<3


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I read your other post and I just wanted to reassure you that you are not over reacting. It is indeed not a small betrayal. Your husband diverted his attention to OW while pretending that things were good with you. If he really felt as close and emotiOnly connected as you believed, he would have talked about what was bothering him with you. 

After what he has done, you really don't know him and can't predict what he will do. Essentially, you don't have the marriage you had before his affair and you are no longer married to the person you thought you knew. In order to move ahead with or without him, you need to get to know him all over again. You need to be able to determine if he is a person you can trust and love. 

It also occurred to me that he takes you for granted. You have been married 10 yrs and you were still emotionally close and having frequent sex. You were doing better that most couples married for 10 yrs. He does not value what you have because he has no basis for comparison. 

You may want to give him a dose of reality by cooling things down. You are giving him everything he wants. He has no worries about you - you are always there meeting his needs you made him so happy that he has the energy to seek outside attention when he should spend time appreciating his good wife. 

Let him know that he should not be so sure about you. Make some changes in what you are doing. Spend more time on selfish persuits instead of doing things with him or for him. Stop doing some of the things he takes for granted and tell him he can do them now. 

He has too much time on his hands. Keep him a little hungry and busy and never let him be so sure of you ever again. Stay active maintain outside interest that keeps you in contact with new men and women
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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You have to find out why he needed to do it. What werent you providing for him. Until then you wont forgive him


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