# What should dad do?



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Lynn married at 17 had a baby girl at 18 and a baby boy at 20. Had an affair resulting in an acrimonious divorce at 27. Remarried to a high earning but sterile man at 29. He told her he was sterile and they never used contraception the whole time they were married. At 37 she died in childbirth and her husband is obviously not the dad and does not want the baby. They were living in the same house but separate lives when she died. 

The two older children lived with their dad who got custody when they were old enough to choose and chose him. 

Lynn’s 19 year old daughter wants the baby whom she correctly calls her sister. Social Services are considering allowing her to look after the baby, but because she still lives with her dad and his wife, dad says no, advises that if she wants to keep her mum's baby she must find a place of her own. The wife, a professional person with no children of her own, does not mind whichever decision her husband makes as it is his children. 

What should dad do? Let the baby come to his house or chuck his daughter out? 

What is the baby's relationship with this dad seeing he is the father to its siblings but was born after the divorce s cannot be step dad.? What is he?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

He isn't anything to the baby other than a man who either has a heart or doesn't. But I have to say I don't really blame him. It would be a hard decision for any man to make. 

Bob Geldof adopted his ex wife's love child. He felt it was the right thing to do since she was the sibling of his three daughters, so they should all be raised in the same household.

I also had a friend who took in her boyfriend's 3 love kids. I thought she was incredibly stupid to stay with that guy but also incredibly generous and loving to be so good to the kids. She wanted all of the kids to grow up together.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

The biological father should be found so he can provide child support.

Even if it's not needed the money can go into a college fund, but given the circumstances there is a large probability it will be needed.

He can likely be discovered by checking her cell phone records, possibly with a court order?

These cases are difficult, this is similar to my life story.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

This..,
Lynn’s 19 year old daughter wants the baby whom she correctly calls her sister. Social Services are considering allowing her to look after the baby, but because she still lives with her dad and his wife, dad says no, advises that if she wants to keep her mum's baby she must find a place of her own.

It's not the baby's fault nor is it the XH.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The nineteen year old daughter has a good heart but she is too young to be thinking about raising a child whether it’s her sister or not. She should be thinking about her future, maybe going to college and her father knows that him and his wife will end up raising the child who is not a blood relative to either of them. 
In my opinion he is correct to insist that his daughter moves out of his house if she adopts the baby.His parenting days are over and his current wife may eventually resent the baby who will be a reminder of her husbands ex wife and he himself will be constantly reminded of his cheating first wife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Nothing. It’s not his fight as long as he doesn’t want it to be.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The man should do what he believes in the best interest of his family.


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

It's a hard decision to make but the man can be philanthropic to give in to her daughter's wish. There's absolutely nothing attaching him to the newborn.

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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Tough call. I agree with all logical possibilities previously mentioned. A good friend of mine took in her ex-husband's brother's little boy at two years old a year ago. Mother had died from an overdose and father went to jail for drugs. That poor little boy was living in filthy conditions and was openly exposed to cocaine and heroin. Her and her husband have legal guardianship and get some support from the state. Her and her husband's children are all 18 and older. Why did she take him in? She wanted to see him live a normal and happy childhood and didn't want to see another child slip through the cracks of our system. I give her all the credit in the world for taking on that huge responsibility....but she has a big circle of friends that all help out...😄


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dad lost his cheating wife but regained her ghost in her son's face.

Some sins live on in perpetuity.
A sin must be atoned in this life or the next, or the next...

When a tree loses a limb, later the trunk, the roots still live on.
At worst, they continually consume, steal of life's sweet water, with no green shoots, ever seen to bloom again.

Or, so it sometimes, seems.

The sin is atoned when fire burns all its holdings, turns all to ashes, this becomes food for the new acorns.

No, the child should not be taken in. It has the remaking of that past sin.


SunCMars-


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What an amazing 19 year old, I hope that someone will give her some support unlike her own father who wants to basically throw them both out. Disgusting.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I could not take in my XW's love child ever and just as Sun c in his way explains it best. And because of my daughter I had with the X wanted to raise a child from another affair of my X while she was married. Is more than I could ever do. Their is adoption for the children not that l am heartless but, would be a reminder of a cheating wife as long as l live. It's life in my world.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I find it odd that social services would allow a 19 year old custody of a child in which that 19 year old cant support herself. It seems more plausible that her father would have no choice but to be directly involved with parenting a child he has absolutely no relation with. He knows his daughter and probably realizes that at her age HE would end up becoming the primary caregiver for said child. Having 19 y.o. children of my own and knowing how limited their life experience is, I cant say I blame him for not wanting to take on the burden of a child he has nothing to do with.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Great. He lost his wife to cheating and now he risks losing his daughter.

And has the second husband been checked for DNA?

I knew one man who told everyone that he was sterile and he believed it himself.

Only he wasn't sterile and fathered twins.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> Lynn married at 17 had a baby girl at 18 and a baby boy at 20. Had an affair resulting in an acrimonious divorce at 27. Remarried to a high earning but sterile man at 29. He told her he was sterile and they never used contraception the whole time they were married. At 37 she died in childbirth and her husband is obviously not the dad and does not want the baby. They were living in the same house but separate lives when she died.
> 
> The two older children lived with their dad who got custody when they were old enough to choose and chose him.
> 
> ...


1)What should dad do? 

Just what he wants to do.


2)Let the baby come to his house or chuck his daughter out?

I thought this daughter was grown with her own career? Why is she still there at home when she has a life of her own? He isn't chucking anyone out. She's using him. Time for her to get her own life and be an adult who visits dad and step mom once in a while. 



3)What is the baby's relationship with this dad seeing he is the father to its siblings but was born after the divorce s cannot be step dad.?

Only what he wants it to be. He owes this child nothing. 


4)What is he?

The father of the two half sisters of the orphan girl. 


I think he is doing the right thing, if that's what he wants. He may over time accept the orphan as nice little young person who his daughter deeply cares about and the love might run over onto her. 

One thing you don't say a word about is the father of the orphan. Is he dead? Are they looking for him? Do they know who he is? Can they find out? That guy is the *******, not this guy you are asking about. That guy needs to be responsible for his actions. He needs to at the very least, pay for his daughter's living, at least in part. My thinking is, he needs to pay it all. He's the only parent she has. Go find him and force him through the courts to pay. This is bull**** making this guy in the op out to be like the bad guy. That's worse than wrong.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I guess I'm going to be the dissenting voice here (which surprises me a little)....this is not an object, or even a puppy, this is a small, defenseless PERSON who is going to live FOREVER with the consequences of the decisions that the adults around her make. I don't know if I'm PMSing, or if the Eating Disorder thread has me a little raw, but the callousness of people who ought to see the actual VALUE of the life of this little one stings my heart.

I know it sounds like I'm judging people for their feelings, but I'm NOT...I just can't understand. I know that most people are not generous with themselves, even if they are willing to give money....somehow, being open and giving in spirit is more costly. But that's why we are here, on earth! What else for...to accumulate as much "stuff" as we can? Or money...? Or free-time...or peace and quiet...?? HOW is that more valuable than what we get by giving to other people?

In my lifetime, as an adult (so far), I have had puppies, dogs, cats, kittens, bunnies, birds, tadpoles, snakes, young children, teens, and even other adults within my sphere of care (and living IN my house), and I have NEVER EVER regretted the decision. Especially with the people, but also the animals. Is it challenging - YES. So freakin' what, what the heck are we here for if not to BE WITH other people when they need us...??? I can't be the only person on here who understands this...

Again, this is a HUMAN BEING, an utterly vulnerable, TRUSTING, oh-so-valuable tiny little human -- her emotional well-being is so much more valuable than keeping money, not making sacrifices, or her mother's x-husband's FEELINGS about his x-wife...this is a defenseless human being IN NEED, and of course, it's up to her sister to do her best to meet that need, and then the father's job to meet the need of his daughter, by allowing it (and helping her) - as it would be for ANY adult in that position!

If dad was a truly caring father, he would do everything he could to make his daughter's deepest wish come true - the outcome here will affect her for the rest of her life, no matter what he decides. He's not going to make it go away by forcing her to give the baby up. He may lose his daughter all together. It will be difficult, but the most rewarding experiences often are.

REMEMBER -- Ghandi said the greatness of a society is shown by how it treats it's weakest members...I don't think he meant that as how a society's government treats them, but the individual people in that society when they are called upon to make a choice. And I totally agree.

Please tell her that if her dad throws her out, she's welcome to come stay with me and my family if she needs to....my kids will double-up to make room, and I'd be honored to offer assistance to such a wonderful person as she must be. AND I MEAN THAT.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I am appalled that anyone would not suggest the bio-father be found and made to be responsible in some manner. This is a sickness of society, today.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think every effort should be made to find the father and offer him a chance to raise his child.

If finding the father isn't possible or he rejects the baby, the sister should have custody since she wants the baby. However, I think this means that she needs to be employed full time, living independently, and have childcare in place for the baby. If she wants to become a mother she needs to grow up and fast. I know a lot of you seem to disagree, but I was a wife and mother at 19. I worked and lived independently because I was an adult and that is what adults do. Was it hard? Sometimes. But that's what you sign up for when you're a legal adult who chooses to have a child whether it be by birth or adoption.

If Sister realizes she cannot care for the baby then I think the baby should be given for adoption to a family who will love and raise the child in a stable home.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I think every effort should be made to find the father and offer him a chance to raise his child.
> 
> If finding the father isn't possible or he rejects the baby, the sister should have custody since she wants the baby. However, I think this means that she needs to be employed full time, living independently, and have childcare in place for the baby. If she wants to become a mother she needs to grow up and fast. I know a lot of you seem to disagree, but I was a wife and mother at 19. I worked and lived independently because I was an adult and that is what adults do. Was it hard? Sometimes. But that's what you sign up for when you're a legal adult who chooses to have a child whether it be by birth or adoption.
> 
> If Sister realizes she cannot care for the baby then I think the baby should be given for adoption to a family who will love and raise the child in a stable home.


I too was a young wife and mum. Married at 19, bought first home at 20, had first child at 21, it wasn't unusual then. Its only now that young people take so long to actually grow up and mature. As long as she is a mature young lady she will be fine. I admire her for her willingness to care for this poor child.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> I guess I'm going to be the dissenting voice here (which surprises me a little)....this is not an object, or even a puppy, this is a small, defenseless PERSON who is going to live FOREVER with the consequences of the decisions that the adults around her make. I don't know if I'm PMSing, or if the Eating Disorder thread has me a little raw, but the callousness of people who ought to see the actual VALUE of the life of this little one stings my heart.
> 
> I know it sounds like I'm judging people for their feelings, but I'm NOT...I just can't understand. I know that most people are not generous with themselves, even if they are willing to give money....somehow, being open and giving in spirit is more costly. But that's why we are here, on earth! What else for...to accumulate as much "stuff" as we can? Or money...? Or free-time...or peace and quiet...?? HOW is that more valuable than what we get by giving to other people?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::
Well if you are dissenting then so am I. 
Fantastic post, and I agree entirely. My husband and I have spent most of this year helping and supporting a family member and her baby who has several medical issues, and we will carry on doing so. In fact we are trying to sell our house so that we can live nearer to them. Are we exhausted? Yes many times we have been, especially during and after the operations she has had to have, we are both well into our 60's now. Has it been worth it? Absolutely, the baby is a delight and we have a very special close relationship with her. 

I would never ever dream of throwing one of my children out if she wanted to care for her own sister, no matter who the dad was. My children come first before my own resentments and negative feelings. I would be so proud to have that lady as my child and would do all I could to support her in her vitally important task. The fathers attitude is appalling. He will loose her and rightfully so.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> 1)What should dad do?
> 
> Just what he wants to do.
> 
> ...


The father of the orphan is not known by anyone who is around the baby now. The husband was divorcing the woman on grounds of cheating and getting pregnant. The woman had not contested it or tried to pin the baby on him, meaning she was aware that the baby was not his. 

The real father, I am not sure if anyone knows him. It is also not clear if the Social Services will actually allow the girl to look after the baby. All that is known now is that she is determined to keep the baby and the Social services are considering the matter.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> The father of the orphan is not known by anyone who is around the baby now. The husband was divorcing the woman on grounds of cheating and getting pregnant. The woman had not contested it or tried to pin the baby on him, meaning she was aware that the baby was not his.
> 
> The real father, I am not sure if anyone knows him. It is also not clear if the Social Services will actually allow the girl to look after the baby. All that is known now is that she is determined to keep the baby and the Social services are considering the matter.


If Dad says no, and threatens to throw his daughter out, he risks souring his relationship with her for ever.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> I am appalled that anyone would not suggest the bio-father be found and made to be responsible in some manner. This is a sickness of society, today.


I agree, but how could he be found? 
What is even more appalling is that people have affairs and make that infinitely worse by not using contraception. If a woman does not declare who the baby father is, how can anyone, including authorities find out? Its also a concern that we do not accept that we are liable to death and we could leave chaos behind. We need to put our lives in some sort of order.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I am amazed by the fact that a lot of people I know would happily look after a baby found abandoned, who they know nothing about. This baby deserves the same treatment but is causing a lot of unrest.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> I am amazed by the fact that a lot of people I know would happily look after a baby found abandoned, who they know nothing about. This baby deserves the same treatment but is causing a lot of unrest.


I'm not sure what is amazing about that. The baby actually brings negative emotions to the table. 

Look, if I decided to take him my sibling's orphaned son, that baby has a positive sum on my relationship ledger. Assuming I have a good relationship with my sibling, it will transfer positivity to my relationship with my orphaned nephew.

If a baby is found abandoned on the doorstep, there is no prior history of a relationship. There is a "zero" in the "relationship ledger" to transfer to the baby. But I may take in the baby out of kindheartedness.

But a baby who is a child of someone who hurt me (and the cheating wife is someone who caused hurt), brings NEGATIVE emotions to the "relationship ledger". Since the baby is only conceived as a result of her infidelity and moving on (as opposed to our own children we shared), it is much MORE of a constant reminder of the infidelity than our shared children would be. 

So, I'm not surprised that this baby would bring more tension than an anonymous baby. I don't find it amazing at all. I find it consistent with expectations, actually.

Sure, it would be great if he was magnanimous and could take the baby in. But if he harbored resentment and the baby felt that resentment while growing up, and was treated differently, would it actually be in the best interests of the baby to come to that household? It seems the baby would be better off with an unrelated family.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm of the opinion that Dad should be ruled out of paternity by having him take a DNA test. If he is cleared, then proceed accordingly!

The 19 year old daughter has a beautiful soul for wanting to keep the family intact. If she cannot care for the child on her own, she should try to solicit other heartfelt family members to take the child and her in until such time that she can exercise total responsibility for caring for the child!

My heart goes out to that young lady! God is truly smiling on her!*


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Wolfman1968 said:


> I'm not sure what is amazing about that. The baby actually brings negative emotions to the table.
> 
> Look, if I decided to take him my sibling's orphaned son, that baby has a positive sum on my relationship ledger. Assuming I have a good relationship with my sibling, it will transfer positivity to my relationship with my orphaned nephew.
> 
> ...



Your (rather unfeeling) beliefs about relationships is why it's setup that adults have the ability (or SHOULD HAVE) and responsibility to set aside THEIR feelings and THEIR desires to take care of others who NEED us....there is NO excuse. 

And I'm sure the loss that this poor daughter has suffered (from having such a selfish mother, to losing her in childbirth) is going to darken her heart for the rest of her life...that's probably why she feels so compelled to take her baby sister. And for the father to overlook this need that she has, for his own emotional comfort, is not only selfish and non-parental, but it's short-sighted as well -- it's not like if he gets his way she will go back to being a carefree 19yr old (if she ever was) - this situation, and her new little sister, has marked her for life, and will haunt her if she has to let her go.

And almost always, the best place for any baby is with people who love them - if a family who wants to adopt and love a child of their own could be found, that could be the EQUAL of staying with her sister, but almost never better.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Thank you very much all of you for clearly articulating your view points. I found my own view swinging from one end to another and back when I put myself in different people involved's shoes. Then I am looking at the powers that be, Social Services, who can be blamed if something later happens to that poor baby. Then the woman's husband who could have gone either way.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MaiChi said:


> What is the baby's relationship with this dad seeing he is the father to its siblings but was born after the divorce s cannot be step dad.?


Nothing. No relathionship.



> What is he?


ex husband.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> What should dad do? Let the baby come to his house or chuck his daughter out?


Why does it have to be either/or? Besides, it's pretty obvious that the teenager is in NO position to support herself and live in her own place. So she just assumes her step-father should foot the bill *for* her to raise this baby.

The husband has every right to feel the way he feels. He's not responsible for the child his ex wife died giving birth to.

Jeez, there are millions of childless couples *longing *for a baby to love and raise. The best thing for this baby is adoption to loving parents who WANT him/her.

Let's get REAL here - the father doesn't want to be a part of raising this child. He's entitled to NOT have to. And if he did grudgingly give into the teenager, what kind of environment is THAT going to be for this poor kid, sensing the resentment from him, and having NO parents at all, except a sister? Sometimes, you need to look at the bigger picture, not the immediate one.

Unless the teenager is financially independent and has her own place AND daycare set up (which I highly doubt), she's in *no *position to demand ANYTHING from her step-father and she's certainly in no position to 'raise' a child. Besides, it's pretty likely _she_ won't be the one doing the lion's share of raising that kid anyway. It will fall on everyone else's shoulders as is usually the case when a teenager living at home has a kid (even in this case where she didn't give birth to the baby). It almost always falls on the parents.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> MaiChi said:
> 
> 
> > What should dad do? Let the baby come to his house or chuck his daughter out?
> ...



This right here says it all ^^


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Well, what we have here is a 19 yo that wants to keep her dead mother’s child, her sibling, in her life. She seems to have a deep sense of family and love.

The father of the 19yo is saying nope. He is too angry and bitter towards his deceased ex. He therefore is choosing to allow his feelings towards his ex, who is not his blood, to dominate his decision, instead of having a more global and family view.

It is true that the baby is not his responsibility, however the feelings of the 19 yo are. That baby is HIS daughters sibling, and she wants to keep that child in her life.

No one here knows truly about how responsible the 19yo is, but that really is insignificant. Her desire to keep the baby shows that she has a deep sense of family, which shows maturity.

The father of the 19yo, willing to ruin the relationship with his daughter because he is choosing his personal feelings towards his ex instead of putting the feelings of his daughter first, who only just seems to want to hold her family together, seems to be very selfish.

When a person has a child, they have an obligation towards that child.
Any decent human being would put their personal feelings aside and stand by and support their child.

This man, irregardless of his feelings towards his ex, should be the better person and suck it up like a big boy, and support his daughter and give this helpless baby a chance at happiness and family.

A man that is willing to put his personal feelings towards his ex before the personal feelings of his own child is not a real man.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

a_new_me said:


> Well, what we have here is a 19 yo that wants to keep her dead mother’s child, her sibling, in her life. She seems to have a deep sense of family and love.
> 
> The father of the 19yo is saying nope. He is too angry and bitter towards his deceased ex. He therefore is choosing to allow his feelings towards his ex, who is not his blood, to dominate his decision, instead of having a more global and family view.
> 
> ...


And how do we know that dad still harbors these feelings towards his ex? I think he took his big boy pants off and put on a pair of good idea jeans.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I am sorry, but a real man would take in the baby. His ex is dead. His daughter wants to keep that family bond.

Be a real man and suck it up instead of tossing out your own child, be the better person to that baby.

I know for a certain fact that if I was put in that position that I would welcome that child into my family. He can be angry and bitter all her wants, but it is unfair to take those resentments out on his daughter and a young child. They did nothing wrong to him, his x did. All he is doing is projecting his anger towards his dead ex upon that of his daughter and her desire to keep her family unit intact

Suck it up and be a real man. He has no idea of what the future happens to be, and he could end up being a positive force in that child’s life.

I would never turn my back like that, regardless of the situation, and he is being selfish.

Grow up.

Any person that is willing to turn their back on their own child in a situation like this is not a real man...he is a bitter person and a coward. And choosing to not support his child because she is a better person is selfish and he should be ashamed of himself. 


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

What does refusing to take in a child that has no relation to him have anything to do with being a real man? If his daughter wants to make an adult decision then she should live an adult life which facilitates and enables her to make such decisions. This is not a relative of his and has no bearing on his manhood. 

I can honestly say that if I were in his position I wouldn't give a **** if it was my ex's kid or not. Speaking from experience in the matters of ex wives I can fully assure you that I have ZERO feelings for her whether they be negative or positive. She is no longer in nor part of my life, therefore why should I have to pay for her screw up?? So with that being said should we also tell the women out there who give their children up for adoption woman up, be a real woman and accuse them of being selfish? Of course we shouldn't because we dont know the circumstances.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Hard decisions for each one concerned. Still I hope when my children get to 19, there will be no circumstances that may cause me to separate from them.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

As a parent you need to help your children launch. Some will need no help others
will need more than the average assistance.

This man is wealthy, so it will not be a financial hardship to help his daughter in
her quest to keep her infant sister out of orphanages and potential foster care
system nightmares.

for him to ignore his daughters emotional need now will not only damage their own
relationship, but the emotional distress can do damage to his daughter that could
lead to her not being able to have healthy relationships as an adult.

18 years from now, this 1/2 sister will not be on this BH's dime, this daughter will
be 35 years old, and now she will be there to pay it forward to assist her dad as 
he ages.

families support each other, not just when it is easy.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

The sterile husband is wealthy, the post doesnt indicate whether or not the other party involved is. Again, not his child, no relation, not his problem. Who gets to take care of the child when the 19 year old girl realizes she wants to go out partying with her friends or go away to college? So now hes forced into a situation he doesnt want any part of. He is no more selfish than his daughter who would scorn him into a forced adoption of sorts. If it were me I would do the same, if it soured my relationship with my daughter that's on her. He has a right to feel the way he does and I dont blame him for not allowing others to dictate what goes on in his life.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

The sterile husband is wealthy, the post doesnt indicate whether or not the other party involved is. Again, not his child, no relation, not his problem. Who gets to take care of the child when the 19 year old girl realizes she wants to go out partying with her friends or go away to college? So now hes forced into a situation he doesnt want any part of. He is no more selfish than his daughter who would scorn him into a forced adoption of sorts. If it were me I would do the same, if it soured my relationship with my daughter that's on her. He has a right to feel the way he does and I dont blame him for not allowing others to dictate what goes on in his life.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> The sterile husband is wealthy, the post doesnt indicate whether or not the other party involved is. Again, not his child, no relation, not his problem. Who gets to take care of the child when the 19 year old girl realizes she wants to go out partying with her friends or go away to college? So now hes forced into a situation he doesnt want any part of. He is no more selfish than his daughter who would scorn him into a forced adoption of sorts. If it were me I would do the same, if it soured my relationship with my daughter that's on her. He has a right to feel the way he does and I dont blame him for not allowing others to dictate what goes on in his life.


I agree with you. In no way, shape or form is this child his responsibility. And to insinuate that he isn't a "real man" because he chooses not to raise the child his ex had while cheating is ridiculous


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Numb26 said:


> I agree with you. In no way, shape or form is this child his responsibility. And to insinuate that he isn't a "real man" because he chooses not to raise the child his ex had while cheating is ridiculous


Logically incorrect.

If his daughter adopts the child, then the child will be his grand-child whether he likes it or not.

He faces a choice: does he care about his daughter more than he cares about hating his ex wife?

FFS, it's a child that did nothing to him.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I would say that 'it depends'. It depends on the maturity of this 19 year old that wants to raise the child.

If it was my daughter, I would have a heart to heart discussion with her. I would make sure that she realizes the gravity of the decision she is making. That it is a 'life long' decision. That the child would likely be very well cared for by adoptive parents.

But if my daughter was committed to taking on this role, then I would support her. Because I know my daughter and I know that she is capable and would do it. Even when she was 19 years old.

But I could easily see a circumstance where I could have a 19 year old daughter that wasn't so mature. And wasn't so capable. And who I know would likely regret the decision they were making. And therefore, I could see myself not supporting my daughter.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > I agree with you. In no way, shape or form is this child his responsibility. And to insinuate that he isn't a "real man" because he chooses not to raise the child his ex had while cheating is ridiculous
> ...


No, the child did nothing to him but the child would be a daily reminder that his ex wife made a cuckold out of him. So, actually his real choice would be whether or not he could live with that. My point is that if he decided that he couldn't, it wouldn't make him any less of a man. For some people, that level of disrespect is non-negotiable. I agree with the earlier poster who said that the child might be better served being raised away from that situation. To hold it against or blame him for not wanting to raise the child is just victimizing him for a second time. Just my opinion


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Numb26 said:


> No, the child did nothing to him but the child would be a daily reminder that his ex wife made a cuckold out of him. So, actually his real choice would be whether or not he could live with that. My point is that if he decided that he couldn't, it wouldn't make him any less of a man. For some people, that level of disrespect is non-negotiable. I agree with the earlier poster who said that the child might be better served being raised away from that situation. To hold it against or blame him for not wanting to raise the child is just victimizing him for a second time. Just my opinion


His daughter is an adult. She can adopt who she wants to adopt. 

He can choose to support his daughter or not. 

Either way, the child will become his daughters child, which makes the child his grandchild in some sense whether he likes it or not. 

That’s just reality. 

He can cast the sins of his wife on an innocent child if he wants to, but I’d have trouble sleeping at night if I were him, and I also would expect to no longer have a relationship with his daughter as a consequence.

And that would gut me, but maybe it wouldn’t gut you.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > No, the child did nothing to him but the child would be a daily reminder that his ex wife made a cuckold out of him. So, actually his real choice would be whether or not he could live with that. My point is that if he decided that he couldn't, it wouldn't make him any less of a man. For some people, that level of disrespect is non-negotiable. I agree with the earlier poster who said that the child might be better served being raised away from that situation. To hold it against or blame him for not wanting to raise the child is just victimizing him for a second time. Just my opinion
> ...


So if the daughter decided not to have a relationship with her father would that continue the work the ex-wife started? The XW decisions continue to destroy the family from beyond the grave? He is in a lose/lose situation and yet somehow, some way HE would take all the blame. 
He has no responsibility for the child and if his daughter cuts off contact with him, then that is on her. The sad part of the whole thing is that everyone, from the child, to the daughter, to the father is paying for and will continue to pay for the XW's actions. Everyone is a victim.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> No, the child did nothing to him but the child would be a daily reminder that his ex wife made a cuckold out of him. So, actually his real choice would be whether or not he could live with that. My point is that if he decided that he couldn't, it wouldn't make him any less of a man. For some people, that level of disrespect is non-negotiable. I agree with the earlier poster who said that the child might be better served being raised away from that situation. To hold it against or blame him for not wanting to raise the child is just victimizing him for a second time. Just my opinion



He doesn't have to live with that, its not him who is adopting the child.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Numb26 said:


> So if the daughter decided not to have a relationship with her father would that continue the work the ex-wife started? The XW decisions continue to destroy the family from beyond the grave? He is in a lose/lose situation and yet somehow, some way HE would take all the blame.
> He has no responsibility for the child and if his daughter cuts off contact with him, then that is on her. The sad part of the whole thing is that everyone, from the child, to the daughter, to the father is paying for and will continue to pay for the XW's actions. Everyone is a victim.


The only person that is a victim in all of this is the child that did nothing wrong. 

He was a victim. He is no longer a victim. The only one with the power now to destroy the family is him. 

I would always choose my children over my own pain, and they are worth any price. 

This isn’t about his relationship with his dead ex wife. This isn’t about his relationship with an innocent child. 

This is a simple question: should he support his daughter over his pain, or should he support his pain over his daughter?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> He doesn't have to live with that, its not him who is adopting the child.


He can push his daughter away. Parents do it all the time. 

You’re either ok with that, or you’re not. 

My relationship with my children are more important than my life, my ego, my money, or my victimhood. 

I recognize this may not be everyone.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marduk said:


> He can push his daughter away. Parents do it all the time.
> 
> You’re either ok with that, or you’re not.
> 
> ...


I am the same I would support my children no matter what. I would be proud to have a daughter like her. My husband is only their step dad but he is the same. My feelings dont come into it, I am their mum, therefore I will always be there for them. 
If the dad still has feelings of bitterness and resentment, yet he is with anther woman, he needs to get that sorted out.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Marduk said:


> He can push his daughter away. Parents do it all the time.
> 
> You’re either ok with that, or you’re not.
> 
> ...


What if you knew your daughter wasn't capable of handling this? That there is a large likelihood that it will make her life very difficult?

Is your relationship with your children more important than their well being?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> What if you knew your daughter wasn't capable of handling this? That there is a large likelihood that it will make her life very difficult?
> 
> Is your relationship with your children more important than their well being?


It is our job as parents to help our children grow into who they want to be. 

Not take away challenges they might fail at. 

She is an adult. She faces a difficult choice herself. She should not have to worry if her life choices come at the cost of a relationship with her father.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> SadSamIAm said:
> 
> 
> > What if you knew your daughter wasn't capable of handling this? That there is a large likelihood that it will make her life very difficult?
> ...


She already paid that price when she chose her Mother's mistake over her Father's feelings. Now they will have to make it work somehow, for the child's sake.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Numb26 said:


> She already paid that price when she chose her Mother's mistake over her Father's feelings. Now they will have to make it work somehow, for the child's sake.


No, she’s choosing her siblings life over her fathers feelings. 

And she is correct in her decision, and the only one acting like an adult here if he walks away from her as a consequence.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Marduk said:


> It is our job as parents to help our children grow into who they want to be.
> 
> Not take away challenges they might fail at.
> 
> She is an adult. She faces a difficult choice herself. She should not have to worry if her life choices come at the cost of a relationship with her father.


I hear what you are saying, but not all 19 year olds are mature enough to handle this. She is barely an adult. Some places, not allowed to drink or gamble.

The daughter thinks she is doing this to save her sibling, but in many cases, this could end up hurting that sibling. The sibling could be better off in an adopted home.

It is our place to lead our children and to protect them. Sometimes we need to make the decision that the child isn't ready for the challenge. I know I wasn't mature enough at 19 years old. I might have thought I could take that on, but it would have been a disaster.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I hear what you are saying, but not all 19 year olds are mature enough to handle this. She is barely an adult. Some places, not allowed to drink or gamble.
> 
> The daughter thinks she is doing this to save her sibling, but in many cases, this could end up hurting that sibling. The sibling could be better off in an adopted home.
> 
> It is our place to lead our children and to protect them. Sometimes we need to make the decision that the child isn't ready for the challenge. I know I wasn't mature enough at 19 years old. I might have thought I could take that on, but it would have been a disaster.


The great thing about being an adult is that you don't have to listen when someone else decides for you what you can handle or not, or what is the right thing to do or not.

He can be there for her, or not. He can live with his decision. 

I suspect she will be just fine, long-term, either way.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > She already paid that price when she chose her Mother's mistake over her Father's feelings. Now they will have to make it work somehow, for the child's sake.
> ...


I respect your opinion. Let's just agree to disagree


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Marduk said:


> The great thing about being an adult is that you don't have to listen when someone else decides for you what you can handle or not, or what is the right thing to do or not.
> 
> He can be there for her, or not. He can live with his decision.
> 
> I suspect she will be just fine, long-term, either way.


Tell that to the parents of the 'adults' that moved out of the home and thought they could 'handle it' only to come back home looking for a place to stay and something to eat. 

The vast majority of 19 years olds are still living at home with their parents and don't have enough education to get a good 'long-term' job.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> Tell that to the parents of the 'adults' that moved out of the home and thought they could 'handle it' only to come back home looking for a place to stay and something to eat.
> 
> The vast majority of 19 years olds are still living at home with their parents and don't have enough education to get a good 'long-term' job.


You mean, people that still have growing up to do?

I would encourage her, if she were my child, to consider well what the impact on her life is going to be. To figure out how things will work. 

And then, be there for her no matter what. Not in a coddling way, but a supportive way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SadSamIAm said:


> Tell that to the parents of the 'adults' that moved out of the home and thought they could 'handle it' only to come back home looking for a place to stay and something to eat.
> 
> The vast majority of 19 years olds are still living at home with their parents and don't have enough education to get a good 'long-term' job.


In my generation not very long ago it was very normal to leave home in your late teens. Nearly all my friends as well a myself either got married or moved out in our late teens. Many of us had children at 20 or 21. Its only recently that young adults were so seemingly immature. 
She is an adult, she can make her own decisions. I would hate to think that my sister was lost to me through adoption, I would want to do the same as this young woman in her shoes at her age.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > No, the child did nothing to him but the child would be a daily reminder that his ex wife made a cuckold out of him. So, actually his real choice would be whether or not he could live with that. My point is that if he decided that he couldn't, it wouldn't make him any less of a man. For some people, that level of disrespect is non-negotiable. I agree with the earlier poster who said that the child might be better served being raised away from that situation. To hold it against or blame him for not wanting to raise the child is just victimizing him for a second time. Just my opinion
> ...


You are incorrect. She would be adopting a sibling and he has no legal obligation to said child.

While his child is considered an adult she does not satisfy many of the requirements set by social services. If she did social services would place her as a foster provider while a legal adoption would be most likely set in motion.

This whole argument is pointless as it is quite obvious the daughter cannot live on her own and social services will not move to place the child with her lacking his consent. She is therefore unfit at this time to properly care for the child, her half sister, not her baby daughter nor adopted daughter.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Benbutton said:


> You are incorrect. She would be adopting a sibling and he has no legal obligation to said child.


I’m not a lawyer, but I would consider an adopted child of one of my children a grandchild, or at least part of the family. 



> While his child is considered an adult she does not satisfy many of the requirements set by social services. If she did social services would place her as a foster provider while a legal adoption would be most likely set in motion.


That is up to social services and not him. 



> This whole argument is pointless as it is quite obvious the daughter cannot live on her own and social services will not move to place the child with her lacking his consent. She is therefore unfit at this time to properly care for the child, her half sister, not her baby daughter nor adopted daughter.


And that is up to his daughter, not him. 

He can support her or not. He’s going to have to live with that. But he should be thinking about his lifetime relationship with her over decades and not his pain right now. His bitterness will pass. At least it should if he deals with it. He’s been handed a raw deal here to be sure. 

But his daughter has a sister. That she wants to raise. There’s nothing wrong with that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

He should do what he wants, his house his rules. He is under no obligation to raise or at least provide shelter and to a certain extent food for someone else's baby. He also may know that even though his daughter is talking a good game she might not be up to the task. Let's not pretend that having a young baby then child in the house doesn't lead to a whole lot of inconveniences. 

The daughter is an adult and can move out and raise the baby if she wants. 

Sounds pretty fair to me.

Oh and Lynn was a cheating POS. Just saying. And the baby daddy should be found and made to pay.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> I am appalled that anyone would not suggest the bio-father be found and made to be responsible in some manner. This is a sickness of society, today.


He should be found and kicked the **** out of and then forced to pay. Hows that?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

sokillme said:


> He should be found and kicked the **** out of and then forced to pay. Hows that?


That's going off the deep end. He should be responsible and step up with some money through the state's child support program. She'll tell you she doesn't have food or something for the baby or child and needs help. That's bull****. Sorry if you don't agree.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> I guess I'm going to be the dissenting voice here (which surprises me a little)....this is not an object, or even a puppy, this is a small, defenseless PERSON who is going to live FOREVER with the consequences of the decisions that the adults around her make. I don't know if I'm PMSing, or if the Eating Disorder thread has me a little raw, but the callousness of people who ought to see the actual VALUE of the life of this little one stings my heart.
> 
> I know it sounds like I'm judging people for their feelings, but I'm NOT...I just can't understand. I know that most people are not generous with themselves, even if they are willing to give money....somehow, being open and giving in spirit is more costly. But that's why we are here, on earth! What else for...to accumulate as much "stuff" as we can? Or money...? Or free-time...or peace and quiet...?? HOW is that more valuable than what we get by giving to other people?
> 
> ...


But you have no idea what the situation is you are only reacting emotionally because it's a baby. For all we know the 19 year old has the maturity of a 14 year old and has no idea or the maturity level or immense responsibility it would take to raise a child, but her Father might have a real clear picture. Besides that the outcome you present and are working from is quite skewed, you seem to be assuming if she doesn't take in this kid it will end up dead or on the street. In fact being given up for adoption which presumably will happen is very likely a path to a much better life and future for the kid. The father may wisely know this and that might be exactly why he has taken the stance he has. It's not like the daughter can't still have a sibling relationship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> That's going off the deep end. He should be responsible and step up with some money through the state's child support program. She'll tell you she doesn't have food or something for the baby or child and needs help. That's bull****. Sorry if you don't agree.


The older I get the more I think kicking peoples ass would be good for society. >


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

sokillme said:


> The older I get the more I think kicking peoples ass would be good for society. >


Adults just get bitter and vengeful. I understand. Thanks for explaining.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Adults just get bitter and vengeful. I understand. Thanks for explaining.


Or wise from experience.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

sokillme said:


> 2ntnuf said:
> 
> 
> > Adults just get bitter and vengeful. I understand. Thanks for explaining.
> ...


Or tired of putting up with people's BS


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Posts so far are leaving out at least one significant piece to this discussion: the ex husband (and father of the 19 year-old) is remarried. Shouldn't his wife have a say in whether this child enters their home? Those who are pinning this whole thing on the father are forgetting about his obligation to his wife (and we don't know if they have other children). 

Not sure where this situation is happening, but in some U.S. states the husband is legally the father if his name was on the birth certificate, even if someone else has biological paternity. I agree that, at a minimum, the 2nd husband (widower) should be paternity-tested.

I applaud the 19 year-old's desire to care for her half-sibling, but I feel badly for her father and his wife, whom she has put into a no-win scenario. And, I disagree with those who say she is showing signs of maturity. In my opinion, she is showing quite the opposite--letting emotions drive decisions that have significant, long-term impacts on many people.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Benbutton said:
> 
> 
> > You are incorrect. She would be adopting a sibling and he has no legal obligation to said child.
> ...


I never said there was anything wrong with it, in fact I would consider this to be quite normal on her part. It's also quite normal for dad to feel what he does, after all he didn't create the problem. If daughter exhibits the maturity to raise a child then she is capable enough to understand why dad doesn't want to be stuck caring for it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It is an almost certainty that the husband here would end up being the defacto parent if his daughter moves forward with becoming the legal guardian or adopting the baby. His life would be fundamentally changed by a decision his daughter made. It's not as if there are no other alternatives for this baby. Put the baby up for adoption and stipulate access and involvement for the 19 year old half sister.

Yes, for some select things, age defines adulthood, but one of the actual measures of adulthood is the ability to make decisions based on things other than emotion. To actually look at the situation and consider at the consequences beyond ones self, and to not force those consequences upon someone else. This is not a situation where the 19 year old daughter accidentally got pregnant and had a baby. This is a 19 year old daughter purposely deciding to effectively have a baby, and expecting those around her to just grin and nod and emotionally and materially support her unilateral decision. Incredibly selfish.

I would submit that the husband is the one showing maturity here and actually being a good parent, because part of being a good parent is making tough, and unpopular decisions for our children when they are incapable of making them for themselves. In pretty much no universe is it a good decision for a 19 year old to purposely take on the responsibilities of being a parent, and for the most part, with few exceptions, those 19 year olds that do find themselves parents are an incredible, burden to those around them.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jethro said:


> Posts so far are leaving out at least one significant piece to this discussion: the ex husband (and father of the 19 year-old) is remarried. Shouldn't his wife have a say in whether this child enters their home? Those who are pinning this whole thing on the father are forgetting about his obligation to his wife (and we don't know if they have other children).


That's actually a very good point.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Jethro said:


> Posts so far are leaving out at least one significant piece to this discussion: the ex husband (and father of the 19 year-old) is remarried. Shouldn't his wife have a say in whether this child enters their home? Those who are pinning this whole thing on the father are forgetting about his obligation to his wife (and we don't know if they have other children).
> 
> Not sure where this situation is happening, but in some U.S. states the husband is legally the father if his name was on the birth certificate, even if someone else has biological paternity. I agree that, at a minimum, the 2nd husband (widower) should be paternity-tested.
> 
> I applaud the 19 year-old's desire to care for her half-sibling, but I feel badly for her father and his wife, whom she has put into a no-win scenario. And, I disagree with those who say she is showing signs of maturity. In my opinion, she is showing quite the opposite--letting emotions drive decisions that have significant, long-term impacts on many people.


I believe the original post explained that dads current wife was ok with whatever dad decided.


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