# when did your kids no longer want to go on family vacations?



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have a question regarding teens and family vacations. 

The kids are DD 19 and DS 17 next week. 

I'll come right out and say the last few family trips and vacations we have all taken together have been hell. DD and DS are polar opposites in temperment and the things they like to do. DS in particular is has very narrow focus of interests and is a major introvert. He likes to do guy stuff with me and has one good friend that he does outdoorsy, adventurous stuff with but other than that does not want to do anything with the family or others. 

When we are on a family trip he buries his face in his phone and just *****es and moans about everything and makes it miserable for everyone else. 

DD is pretty happy go lucky and likes pretty typical 19 year old female stuff. 

Mrs Old , IMHO, is stuck in a time warp where she thinks they are still little kids that want to go to the water park and the zoo and that we should be having these idyllic family vacations where we do all this fun stuff all together and everyone has a great time. 

She gets frustrated and angry that everyone does not want to do all the same things and I am frankly sick of all the *****ing and moaning and I'm done playing a dancing monkey trying to find common interests to appease everyone. I'm done with it.

The latest incident is we had a family trip planned and plane tickets purchased where wife and DD were going to hang at the beach while DS and I were to attend an event for guys. And then less than 48 hours after the tickets were purchased, our event got cancelled due to Covid 😡

The girls wanted to stick to the itinerary and go to the beach. DS does not want to go and will be miserable if we make him go and he will make the rest of us miserable. I'm fine with leaving his whiney azz at home and think it is not fair to impinge on everyone else's fun to try to cater to his princess self. 

The problem is my wife is determined to scrape out a Hallmark family vacation and is driving the rest of us nuts trying to find alternative plans that everyone would want to do and she is basically pestering and browbeating the rest of us to pick something we all can do. 

Here is my question - At what point do you admit the kids have outgrown family vacations that they do not want to spend that time with their parents going to amusement parks and zoos etc? At what point to you declare the family vacation has surpassed it's expiration date and let everyone basically do their own thing?

By the time I was 14, I outright refused to go anywhere with my parents anymore and they pretty much said, "fine, F you" and they'd leave me home alone as my aunt and uncle lived a block down the street. They had a great time without me and I had a great time with the house to myself (although there are a lot of things they don't know about that I was doing when they were gone LOL ) 

I told my wife that we are fortunate that they have done stuff with us for as long as they have. 

She's not buying that and thinks if she asks them for the 2,641,973rd time where they'd like to go and what they'd like to do that she will unlock the key to the Walton Family vacation (although now that I think about it, I don't ever remember the Waltons taking a family vacation all together. That would have been a real nightmare) 

Am I off base and overly cynical? Or is my wife looking at this unrealistically that a 19 year girl and a 17 year old boy will be able to agree on common activities and want to spend a vacation with their parents?

When does the season on family vacations end??


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, most teenagers usually reach a point where they don’t want to go on vacation with their parents. Those fun and happy days come to an end for most of us and we miss them when they’re gone. No, your wife isn’t very likely going to stop browbeating everyone to go. She wants what she wants and from what I recall she’s persistent about getting it. I’m surprised they’ve gone along as long as they have. My child didn’t and my grandchildren most certainly didn’t. They were done before sixteen. Seventeen? Absolutely not.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your wife needs to step back and really look at the kids. Then she might see them as the young adults they are, not the kidlets she wants them to be.

If your son wants to stay home he should be able to. It sounds like your daughters up for some beach/shopping though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mine were mid to late teens when they largely stopped coming. It's normal at that age. They were trustworthy to be left at home as well. 
Your wife is probably trying to hang onto the times when they were young but she just can't.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

After posting this last night, I had a talk with DS17. I told him his mom was not going to let this go and would be hounding him until he either makes a stand and says what he wants to do or until he capitulates and simply goes along with whatever to get her off his backs nd he is stuck on a trip he really does not want to do and will be miserable. 

I told him whatever he wants to do is fine as long as it won’t result in any property damage, medical bills or legal bills. But the point is to just say what he wants to do so we can take that under consideration and make plans for. 

DD19 just wants to get out of the house and do something with one of her girlfriends who is going to be a tagalong. 

I think DS wants to go to his buddy’s house or just stay home alone but is afraid of hurting our feelings (especially his mom’s feelings).


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mine are all in their twenties. We stopped going 2 years ago when my eldest told my wife it was unfair I had to pay for everything (we were still going through a critical phase). Although my wife has a good job, she didn't take it well and withdrew in herself, as usual, sulking. Then she had the breakdown. That was it. I enjoyed them when they were little, but then kids become annoying adults with their stupid issues, and boyfriends/girlfriends in tow. That said, my kids always got on very well together...

BTW, I stopped going on holiday with my parents when I was 17. I left for uni and never returned... then I left for the UK... lol


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

My son is 17, while we have not gone anywhere in a year or so, we started giving him the option to go when he was 14-15. He usually goes, depending on what we are doing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think it might be really your wife that your son doesn’t want to disappoint because she likely makes her unhappiness widely known. However, he’s obviously got to learn to deal with her if he doesn’t want her trying to control his life when he’s an adult (and many moms unfortunately do that). Telling her he’s not going would be a big first step.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I'm fine with leaving his whiney azz at home and think it is not fair to impinge on everyone else's fun to try to cater to his princess self.


In my opinion, you have this completely backwards -- this is a VERY unfair and dismissive way to view your son's feelings and reactions to being forced to do things he doesn't enjoy or want to do...I hope you are just frustrated in your post, and you aren't conveying THIS to him at all...because I don't blame him for pushing back like he has been if you are.

You make it sound like HE is the one who should be making the sacrifices for the common good/happiness, and that's just not fair or realistic to expect...adults aren't willing to endure what you are asking a teenager to accept. He is behaving exactly the way any person (from toddler to adult) would react to feeling frustrated, ignored, and powerless.

And I wonder how pleasant and cheerful either of the girls would be if they had to sit around watching you guys do your "guy" stuff for the whole vacation...it's easy for people to be excited and happy when they are getting what they want.

As a parent, I believe his feelings and wishes should be respected and granted. It's not his responsibility to adjust what he wants and what makes him happy to meet his parents' needs or protect their feelings. He is a separate person and deserves to be treated as such.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> I think it might be really your wife that your son doesn’t want to disappoint because she likely makes her unhappiness widely known. However, he’s obviously got to learn to deal with her if he doesn’t want her trying to control his life when he’s an adult (and many moms unfortunately do that). Telling her he’s not going would be a big first step.


Agreed on all counts.

I’ve been having a txt convo with my daughter this morning and she has come right out and said she’d rather do something on her own with her friends but doesn’t want to disappoint mom and that she knows her mom was very disappointed that our original plans fell through. 

I told her she can do anything with her mom whenever she wants but that her primary job now is her on growth and development into an independent and functioning adult. 

I’m sure my son is feeling similar but is just reluctant to come out and say it for fear of hurting our feelings or stirring the pot.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> In my opinion, you have this completely backwards -- this is a VERY unfair and dismissive way to view your son's feelings and reactions to being forced to do things he doesn't enjoy or want to do...I hope you are just frustrated in your post, and you aren't conveying THIS to him at all...because I don't blame him for pushing back like he has been if you are.
> 
> You make it sound like HE is the one who should be making the sacrifices for the common good/happiness, and that's just not fair or realistic to expect...adults aren't willing to endure what you are asking a teenager to accept. He is behaving exactly the way any person (from toddler to adult) would react to feeling frustrated, ignored, and powerless.
> 
> ...


My son and I are best buds and are like Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid and are off on father-son adventures all the time. 

The issue is he has a very narrow strike zone on what he is interested in and he is not a people-person at all and when he is around other people that aren’t doing what he wants to do, he’ll either be a blob with his face in his phone or he’ll moan and groan. 

IMHO he is ready to start doing his own thing for periods of time and doesn’t need to be going to amusement parks and zoos with mommy and daddy. 

I’m ok with him doing whatever he wants for the weekend (within reason).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I will also add that this morning my wife has softened her stance somewhat and stated that she at least wouldn’t be mad at anyone if they didn’t want to go.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The day after my sixteenth birthday I moved out, I never lived with my parents after that. We got along great but I wanted my independence and they trusted me to be able to look after myself.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

My daughter and son are 23 and 21. We have gone on a family vacation every year, including this past summer. It has actually been very nice. We have just changed the focus of the vacation to fit the age of the kids. Also, maybe 5 years ago we came to terms with them not being little kids anymore and as they have gotten older we have given them more freedom to do their own thing while on vacation. We still have a lot of activities that we do as a family, but we make sure there is time set aside for everyone to go on their own. 

The past two summers we brought my daughter's fiancé and my son's long term girlfriend on vacation with us. We had a great time. We mostly did stuff as a family, but the kids went to dinner once on their own and spent some time doing things they wanted do. It was actually quite nice since it gave my wife and I some time to be alone too. I know my wife is trying to set the stage to keep family vacations going forever if she can.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> The day after my sixteenth birthday I moved out, I never lived with my parents after that. We got along great but I wanted my independence and they trusted me to be able to look after myself.


I left to get married at 19. My brother left at 18 to go to uni and never came back home. Kids then we're more mature and didnt stick around at their parents home. I think I was 14 the last holiday I had with my parents.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I think one thing you might consider is that given the ages of the kids, she might already be dealing with the thoughts of losing them to their own lives. Trying to hang on to the past with both hands and not wanting to address the reality. Getting one more trip! It can be like it used to be!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

A few comments. 

You do have to be careful leaving teens behind because they will get in trouble, have a party or do something they wouldn't normally do. You could leave him behind in the vacation room, probably, but don't give him money and be sure he either has to have dinner with the family or go hungry.

Have you ever considered doing what I've heard some parents do when they go on vacation, and leave the phones behind except for parents? It's kind of a waste to go take your kid somewhere they're never even going to look up at or learn to find things to do in. For sure if it's a nature vacation, don't let them bring that phone. Make them look up. Either leave it at home totally or lock it in the hotel safe. Might lose one out in nature anyway if you're doing anything physical, which I would hope you would be. 

The whole point of travel is to give your family a broader perspective. If they're buried in their phones, I don't see the point. 

Even my older sister (elderly) began just sitting on her lapto when we were out in some cabin. I mean, why? You can do that at home, but no one should be allowed to just live on the internet. 

I always wanted to go on vacation with my parents. It was about the only time I really did want to be around them. It's because they went to places I wanted to go. We usually went to a cabin on the lake and did boating and I'd take my air mattress and float in the cove all day. I sometimes was able to take a friend with me. There's nothing more fun than spending a few days out somewhere like that exploring the place and being completely off the routine. 

Maybe the kids have outgrown Disneyland type tourist attractions. I was never really big on that, nor was our family. I mean, we had an amusement park in our town if we got in the mood that was a lot cheaper and no waiting in line. Why not skip the expensive commercial vacation and get out in nature, away from wifi, if possible? You can still usually find a place to go out to eat, bring stuff to cook a big breakfast, and maybe lunch at a place on the lake or ocean. 

I don't think kids outgrow vacation. I'm 68 and I still love doing the things we did best after all these years.

How about going tubing or rafting somewhere? Can't take phones on tubes or they'll get ruined. 

Some people (I won't even say kids) are just unhappy by nature. Don't let it dictate what the rest of your family enjoys. If your wife is stuck on a certain type of high-end vacation, that's probably because that's what she just likes most, not to do with the kids. At some point, she'll get to where she at least doesn't want to tromp around Disneyland, because she won't be able to. 

Have a good vacation. Don't let the killjoy set the tone. After all these years, I truly believe some people just are never happy and you have no control over that, though I would at least try therapy while they're young, but if that doesn't turn them around, they just get something out of being gripey all the time and unhappy. There are lots of people like that. They get something out of it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You do have to be careful leaving teens behind because they will get in trouble, have a party or do something they wouldn't normally do.


My concern with leaving him home alone is not what he might do unattended, but that he literally wouldn’t do ANYTHING. 

He is so introverted that if he is not complying with some house rule or something that I threaten him with making him go to the party LOL. 

Other kids you ground them when they screw up or you send them to their room or restrict them from getting with their friends etc. with him, I threaten to find out where the weekend teen party is and drop him off at it 😆


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Tasorundo said:


> I think one thing you might consider is that given the ages of the kids, she might already be dealing with the thoughts of losing them to their own lives. Trying to hang on to the past with both hands and not wanting to address the reality. Getting one more trip! It can be like it used to be!


That is absolutely part of what is taking place. 

She hates that they are coming into their own. 

I on the other hand relish the fact they are growing up and wanting to spread their wings on their own as long as they stay out of jail and out of the hospital.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many moms (not so much dads) aren’t too thrilled that their babies are growing up. Especially moms of sons.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

This is foreign to me and the missus. Our kids even at the ages they are now(20's) still will go on vacation with us if asked. We are ok if they are not interested. We do go on day trips and ask if they are interested. Most times they are. We have not issue with them growing wings and doing their own thing. Me and the missus are great doing our own thing as well.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> My concern with leaving him home alone is not what he might do unattended, but that he literally wouldn’t do ANYTHING.
> 
> He is so introverted that if he is not complying with some house rule or something that I threaten him with making him go to the party LOL.
> 
> Other kids you ground them when they screw up or you send them to their room or restrict them from getting with their friends etc. with him, I threaten to find out where the weekend teen party is and drop him off at it 😆


I bet he would be watching porn or something. He'd be a good candidate to drop off at one of those ranches where you have to work for food. I'm a country girl so the thought of someone who just doesn't do anything just really upsets me. I mean they're missing out on so much. I guess he's too old for boy scouts but that would be good for him. He'd hate it but he would also learn something.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Just a quick follow up. We’ve all reached a compromise that has everyone ok with it. 

We are going to stay within a few hours of home. We’ll have a couple days as a fam, then both kids are going to head out on their own doing their own thing with friends for a few days.


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