# I feel helpless



## Dazedandconfused57! (May 8, 2019)

Maybe I'll think of a thread title as I write. Because I'm kind of miserable, but I can't encapsulate that misery in a pithy sentence. We don't have much sex. As a result and then possibly as a sometime cause, I feel unwanted, unattractive, and mostly at a loss to do anything about it. I've seen all that expressed here over and over. I guess my situation is fairly common, but it feels uncommonly painful.

She is definitely responsive in her desire, and I'm spontaneous. Intellectually I get this, but emotionally it feels like I'm way more into her than she's into me. Bullet points;

-We're in our 60s
-Our circumstance (living arrangements, other obligations)mean sex 10-12 times per month would be a lot
-I'd like to have sex 5-6 times per month
-We have sex 1-2 times per month
-I don't know when we'd have sex again if I didn't bring it up.

Even when we have sex she seems passively resistant. She'll think of something she needs to tell me right as we start to heat up. She'll decide it's too light, or too dark. She'll seemingly lower expectations by reminding me she's sore from yard work or some such. I bring an issue to bed for her because I have difficulty finishing. This can lead her to feel unskilled or unappealing, which I understand, but knowing that I might not get there or might need a lot of work, and how she feels about that, doesn't relax me. Her knowing that I'm not thrilled with our sex life likewise doesn't help her. We don't have much sex, so I masturbate fairly often, which contributes to me being a challenge when we have sex, which diminishes her interest, and so on. I alter my habits when I think we might have sex in a few days, and while I orgasm more easily if we have sex, we often don't because reasons, and then I'm pissed.

She feels unsexy and I feel needy when we talk about it. And WTF is there to talk about, anyway? Part of me wants to just say **** it and to take care of myself exclusively, but giving up scares both of us, and I need her touch to feel loved. 

I. Feel. Helpless.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM.

I'm sure you will get the help and advice that you need.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Dazedandconfused57! said:


> Maybe I'll think of a thread title as I write. Because I'm kind of miserable, but I can't encapsulate that misery in a pithy sentence. We don't have much sex. As a result and then possibly as a sometime cause, I feel unwanted, unattractive, and mostly at a loss to do anything about it. I've seen all that expressed here over and over. I guess my situation is fairly common, but it feels uncommonly painful.
> 
> She is definitely responsive in her desire, and I'm spontaneous. Intellectually I get this, but emotionally it feels like I'm way more into her than she's into me. Bullet points;
> 
> ...


Does she ever say she feels pressured? Maybe all the time?

Your story sounds very familiar, kind of odd no one has responded! Every situation is different, I'll tell you what worked for me. Goes against a lot of other advice so no guarantees...

I spent close to 20 years under false assumptions thinking her drive / thinking about sex etc. ought to be similar to mine right? Ummm, no! I wasted a decade not confronting directly and being patient. You know, once the breast feeding was over it would get better, once the kid was in school, once the kid was out of school etc. Nope. Bounced between nothing to a little better but overall if you ignore the nothing periods a continuous decline to once a month if you are lucky. Another poster calls it the universal service agreement . 

About 5 or 6 years ago I decided the situation really sucked and it was time to confront directly which I did. And we talked a lot periodically. And it got a lot better for a limited period of time. And then it faded back to once or twice a month. And we talked, and she had lot's of reasons, And I addressed a lot etc. But you know, it would get better for a month or two or three and back it would go. 

Which made me realize that at least in our case, there was nothing I could do, it was about control. She had it, I had none. So I dropped the rope. Told her directly, you are not capable of a spontaneous sexual thought. You want control, it is yours. So, she started initiating. Couple or three months went by and we had one more discussion/confrontation to make it clear that once or twice a month sucked (direct quote). 

And that is where we are. We are much closer to every week than we ever were in the previous 15 years or so. Menopause is mixed in during this recent past too which was pretty brutal on the sex life but that is a somewhat different discussion. In our case, it is in her head. If the responsibility is on her and she thinks about herself she can come to bed with a positive attitude. 

You can hope for a frequency that is tolerable. 10-12 times a month probably ain't gonna happen!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP...Quit talking about it with her. Quit talking about it with her. Quit talking about it with her!
Do something about it.
Start acting manly, do manly things around her. 
Forfil her needs. Make yourself attractive.
Long term relationships tend to get stale, you can only fix you, but if you do she will respond by finding you much more attractive.
" I feel unwanted, unattractive" because YOU ARE to her....get back to your old self. 
It was painful to read your post.

You want her to forfil her role, you best get to forfilling your own first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I lost desire because I have so much resentment built up over what my husband won't take care of, things he KNOWS I want or need. For instance, I told him 3 weeks ago, after I helped him with a job all Saturday, that in return I'd like him to pick one thing out of the house that I can sell (he's a hoarder, and we're VERY in debt). He still hasn't done it. Two weeks ago I asked him to either get the car running that's been dead in our driveway for 4 years or fix the garage door opener that broke during Hurricane Ike - 11 years ago. Nothing. Yesterday, I told him I didn't want anything for Mother's Day, not even a card; all I want is the garage door opener fixed. We'll see. This has been going on for 40 years.

Point is, when I look at him, I don't see a man, someone I'd want to have sex with. I see a person I'm stuck in this house with who, for whatever reason, refuses to meet my needs. And that man is NOT attractive. I still give him sex (I told him I couldn't handle it more than once a week), but I sure as hell don't want to.

Your marriage may not be as messed up as mine, but keep in mind that women have to be EMOTIONALLY tuned in to want sex. Lots of stuff you can read about that, if you really want to change things.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Before you try to fix your marriage, fix yourself. 
You must determine where you are going in your life, because you cannot get there unless you move in that direction.
Random wandering will not move you forward. 
It will instead disappoint and frustrate you and make you anxious and unhappy and hard to get along with (and then resentful, and then vengeful, and then worse).


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

We have travelled 30 years of together like this. THe childhood years and menopause were the worst. All I can offer is my female perspective. Is it painful? Is she having issues “down there”? Is she self conscious about her body? Does she want something she’s not asking for? I could have repaired my sex life YEARS ago if we had gone to a Sex Therapist. We went to MC and IC but never a sex therapist. Is that a possibility? Should you both get checked out medically to see if anything is going on that’s making things more complicated? I’m HD and I know that if I masturbate I lose interest. So I cut back a LOT.


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## Dazedandconfused57! (May 8, 2019)

Thanks for the responses. I'm digesting them, and working through this in my mind. I'll admit I'm still feeling pretty stuck. I see some interesting stuff in another thread about women's desire for their partner in a LTR fairly commonly waning. That kinda sucks and seems ****ed up really, but if we both face it as a possibility anyway, maybe it opens up some options to improve things.

I've done some reading about women's desire in general, and this seems to be at least plausible, and maybe it's part of what we're facing. There are some age related changes that may be here to stay, but I think she's still feeling a spark sometime, but not so much for me. I guess it's kinder to my self image to consider that this is partly a function of, perhaps, our mutual lack of imagination, and not specifically a loss of desire for me. 

I'm still feeling pretty raw.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Dazedandconfused57! said:


> I've done some reading about women's desire in general, and this seems to be at least plausible, and maybe it's part of what we're facing. There are some age related changes that may be here to stay, but I think she's still feeling a spark sometime, but not so much for me. I guess it's kinder to my self image to consider that this is partly a function of, perhaps, our mutual lack of imagination, and not specifically a loss of desire for me.


*Here are my instructions on how to increase your woman's libido and desire for you in a LTR.*

STEP#1 Realize you can not change your partner. Her libido will not improve.

STEP#2 Don't fool yourself into thinking something is wrong with her. That is likely your own low self confidence working on you.

STEP#3 Realize that being with someone struggling with low self confidence is a drag

STEP#4 Just be more confident, and you will have to find that from within

STEP#5 Then work on helping your wife improve her self confidence and feel loved

STEP#6 Then ask your wife to help you in return

It will not improve her libido, but improving her confidence and then asking for help will improve her enthusiasm and willingness to do what it takes to make you feel loved. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dazedandconfused57! said:


> I've done some reading about women's desire in general, and this seems to be at least plausible, and maybe it's part of what we're facing. There are some age related changes that may be here to stay, but I think she's still feeling a spark sometime, but not so much for me. I guess it's kinder to my self image to consider that this is partly a function of, perhaps, our mutual lack of imagination, and not specifically a loss of desire for me.
> 
> I'm still feeling pretty raw.


I have two assignments for you. First and foremost, get in tune with your marriage - from HER point of view. Do you even have any idea if she's happy? Content? Satisfied? Resentful? Fulfilled? Bored? 

There's a great way to learn all this. Get the Marriage Builders Emotional Needs Questionnaire and their Love Busters Questionnaire. (stay away from their forums; they are toxic) Tell her you want to improve the marriage, her happiness is your top priority, and you'd like her to fill out these questionnaires WITH you so you two can learn more about each other. Do the EN first, since she doesn't see this coming. Then do the LB one. 

Once you two fill them out, you share them with each other. You kind of retreat to your corners, give it a week or two, to read what the other person feels and thinks and wants. 

Once you get a good handle on who she really is, THEN you can proceed to make sure you are the one person on this earth in the best position to make her happy, keep her happy, and ensure when she wakes up each morning, she can't wait to spend time with you.

Note that that's going to include things like dating, trying new activities and new restaurants, challenging her, taking risks with her, making her feel alive again.

Once you get her in THAT condition (by your actions), you will become the person she wants to have sex with. Remember, women have to be excited by the man, to want to have sex with him.

So the key here is to use the EN and LB questionnaires to learn who your wife is - what her top ENs are (are you meeting them? If not, BECOME that person!) and what her top LBs are (are you the one making her unhappy? If so, STOP doing it!)

Once you're meeting all her major ENs and you no longer LB in any significant way, you become the ONE person in her life she can't live without. THAT person, she'll be crazy about having sex with.

Second, ONCE you have done these things and gotten your marriage in a better place, find a copy of the book 52 Invitations for Grrrreat Sex. It's hard to find, but worth it. In it are 52 invitations, 26 for the woman to give to the man, 26 for the man to give to the woman - i.e. one each week. Each invitation gives you an opportunity to put a spin on your sex life. The easy example I give is one for the woman - tell the man where to meet up and when and what to bring - a can of whipped cream. The woman giving the invitation is bringing fresh fruit, string and a needle. She's going to make a 'popcorn' string of fruit and, when he shows up, all she'll be wearing is fruit wrapped around her body on the string. You can imagine what to do with the whipped cream.

BUT do NOT do this step until you have spent a lot of time working on the first step or she'll just get pissed off.


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