# Should I confront other woman?!



## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Husband had and affair and I found out. Now for the last 3 yrs we have just not been the same. I recently found out that their back in contact. She keeps coming and coming and He is open because of the strain on us. So I am trying to make it as less strenuous on. And it has been going very well I must say. But she's still a pain in my ass. She still calling and they wk together so she's still trying to talk to him and get him to leave.

Please be honest and straight with me with your thoughts. I'm don't like games and I always respect the truth. Because it benefits me in the long run.

Should I confront her face to face. I don't have time for the phone thing. I left her a message the first time about that but to no aveal. He just wants to let it die down and maybe it will go away. Like high school or something. Advice plz and thx.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I wouldnt confront her.. but I would tell H NO CONTACT what so ever!!! This is inappropriate behavior on both of their parts. Don't let it happen. If he has to find another job, or if he can fire her.. it should be done!


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

I agree. She already knows you know. Confronting her will just stress you our more. Lay down the law with H. No other options for him.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

I have done just that. The problem lies that their both managers there and have to conduct business and he has medical problems that won't allow for him to just quite and be picked up by another carrier. She doesn't know I know about her contacting him this time. So she really wants to know why he stop talking to her now.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If the OW has a husband, tell him. And tell your husband there is to be NO CONTACT with this woman. If there is further contact, tell those around your husband. Are you and your husband in counseling? That would also be a good place to settle this problem once and for all.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

well then he needs to tell her if she must contact him the discussion is only about work.. if she brings up anything about you or his marriage he is to not respond. Perhaps block her number, if she needs to contact him about work.. she can call your number and you can relay the messege.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

827Aug said:


> If the OW has a husband, tell him. And tell your husband there is to be NO CONTACT with this woman. If there is further contact, tell those around your husband. Are you and your husband in counseling? That would also be a good place to settle this problem once and for all.


No she doesn't have a husband or boy friend at this point. We are talking about counseling but it seems that the medical bill s he has takes up the spare money for that and we both feel the same way about some of the pastors out there. That we don't want to be apart of their sermon when we are trying to get help.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

This really needs to be ALL about your husband.... first.
If he can't put a stop to it, he needs to explain why.
if he says he will, then he needs to give you full transparency on any and all communications he has... his email (including work), his cellphone, his Facebook, his chat - everything. 
No way he is powerless and a total 'victim' here; no way and you should not accept it as such. Focus the energy you have about her onto him, and making him decide about your marriage. And do not accept anything less than that clarity, commitment, and demonstration of actions, not words...! HE needs to tell her, in a way you approve of in advance, about No Contact beyond work matters. If he can't or won't, then he's not committing to you the way you need. Time for cold, hard factual line-drawing... good luck.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> well then he needs to tell her if she must contact him the discussion is only about work.. if she brings up anything about you or his marriage he is to not respond. Perhaps block her number, if she needs to contact him about work.. she can call your number and you can relay the messege.


I want him to change his number AGAIN. My thing is this. They have some of the same friends/co-works and thats how she got the number this time. Out one of their phones. He says she never brings me up or wants to talk about me isf so just to say leave her. She doesn't have our home number. Just his cell and she can call from any place so bloocking is not going to help. I have her number and her parnets. I'm thinking of calling them. 
See I always got the high road. Always behave with class and respect but what has it gotten me but a shatterd heart and a broken spirit. Although she has never come to my home she has road passed it. This I know cause she told him and he told me. 
I'm a very nice person but I'm also a beast when I'm crossed and I hate that part of me and for 3yrs plus I have held it at bay for the kids and his healthy. I want my marriage and I want my husband. But Wheni s it time to sit the respectable woman aside and become what I feel inside.....a vendictive *****?!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Call her parents and give them the low down, it's a start see if this changes anything. Your husband should write a formal no contact letter that requires a signature on receipt if she does not stop thereafter change her with harassment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

2xloser said:


> This really needs to be ALL about your husband.... first.
> If he can't put a stop to it, he needs to explain why.
> if he says he will, then he needs to give you full transparency on any and all communications he has... his email (including work), his cellphone, his Facebook, his chat - everything.
> No way he is powerless and a total 'victim' here; no way and you should not accept it as such. Focus the energy you have about her onto him, and making him decide about your marriage. And do not accept anything less than that clarity, commitment, and demonstration of actions, not words...! HE needs to tell her, in a way you approve of in advance, about No Contact beyond work matters. If he can't or won't, then he's not committing to you the way you need. Time for cold, hard factual line-drawing... good luck.


You are RIGHT and I know good and well his ass is no victim this is HIS DOING. He broke a other wise great marriage in the first plac for ass. And because I didn't warm up fast enough from the betrayal he allowed her to come back in. She brought him a phone to talk to him with and I found it thats how I know about this. I have the phone. I aske him no to tell her I know and that I have the phone. He has not told her cause she still texts him and calls that phone wanting to know why. In no way is this man off the hook. He has told her I am not leaving he has told her he was never going to leave. But because he told her he loved her she says if you love me you will leave.

I asked him if he is inlove with her and want a relationship with her than go I wouldn't stand in his way. Maybe they can make it work. He said she is Not the type of women he will take to meet his family or d=bring around our kids( that **** won't fly anyway). And he also said that i'm beautiful he can't see me with anyone else.
So I ask if he wants me or just don't want to see me with anyone else. He says me but of course I have my doubts.

I do feel that it's time as hard as it may be to deal with him in a more permanet way if I don't feel like she is getting the point cause I'm a good women and he knows it thats why he doesn't want me with another man.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

He accepted this phone and took it with him, regardless of the fact you found it. That's really all you need to know.

I could tell you I can't see you with anyone else, too; they're just words. My actions obviously tell you otherwise  ... his, too


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

So I'm am understanding and taking the advice given and that is DON NOT CONFRONT HER. Plz keep any other comments or thoughts coming on how to deal with this with out this ending badly for myself and my kids. I usually am I very confindent and logical women but this has me stressed.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

2xloser said:


> He accepted this phone and took it with him, regardless of the fact you found it. That's really all you need to know.
> 
> I could tell you I can't see you with anyone else, too; they're just words. My actions obviously tell you otherwise  ... his, too


And thats what I keep going back to. He took it and was using it. But a guy looks at me to long and its world war 1 2 and 3 all over again. And That I'm confused mess is getting old. The more I think about this the more pissed off I get. I think thats wahy I want to speak with her face to face. Cause if I call she'll just hang up. I want to know what he has really been telling her. I can take his word but I don't want to. and I think he knows as well as I if I hear anything different then I'm done. Hard as It maybe. Not knowing if he is here for me or wanting to b with her is stressing me out to the point of losing weight and fast. I'm no that big to begin with.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Eli-Zor said:


> Call her parents and give them the low down, it's a start see if this changes anything. Your husband should write a formal no contact letter that requires a signature on receipt if she does not stop thereafter change her with harassment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm on board with most of this suggestion. However, I believe a copy of that letter needs to go to the work supervisor (or HR). Once they are notified they will be subject to sexual harassment lawsuits, if it continues. I would not kept changing phone numbers. etc. Your husband CAN stop the problem.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

827Aug said:


> I'm on board with most of this suggestion. However, I believe a copy of that letter needs to go to the work supervisor (or HR). Once they are notified they will be subject to sexual harassment lawsuits, if it continues. I would not kept changing phone numbers. etc. Your husband CAN stop the problem.


I keep reading different things here and thinking and yes you all are correct just as I know HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN STOP HER and I am the only one that can stop my pain and I have been in enough of it. My heart hurts and my soul aches and I can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of feling that I am not enough anymore. And sex (no matter how much) is going to fix anything. I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally tried. I'd rather be alone. At least that way I will feel sercure in myself again. I miss that part of me. Alot.
 Thank you all. You really don't understand just how much You have helped me. The nxt few days will determine it all.


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## Toptier2222 (May 30, 2011)

Let us know how you get on


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Toptier2222 said:


> Let us know how you get on


You said let you know Totier so here it goes.

I couldn't wait so I went to his and told him I still feel something isn't right. I said that he has the upper hand and that everything seems to benefit the two of them. If he can't tell her that it's me he wants not the family but me and stop her because I can't then there's nothing else left for me to do because this is more than what I can bare and more than I sign on for. I'm tired and this is not my life or what I want for it. He said he will tell her today. 

But unless I am present in some way guys then I won't (can't believe him) and therefore I must start pulling back and thinking of ways out of this awful mess he has subjected me to. 
You know guys. I always figured if I cooked, clean, took care of the kids, took care of my self and my body and most importantly took care of him IN EVERY WAY, then there would be no way another woman could gain entry into my marriage because I towed the line. A mother to the kids, a housekeeper for the home a cook for my family a respectable sexy woman in public and a freak (for the most part) in bed. Communicate and be his friend that, that was what a marriage needed and would with stand. I guess I was wrong and if this marriage doesn't work I never want to get married again. NOT WORTH THE PAIN....
Thanks for your in put everyone. I'm direct person and I don't suffer fools or tolerate alot of BS so your comments and thoughts no matter how direct were much appericated.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Call her parents!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"Please be honest and straight with me with your thoughts. I'm don't like games and I always respect the truth."
- I like that in a person. Here goes. First, you need to set boundaries and keep to them no matter what. If he breaks them, there must be consequences- separation or divorce. He needs to FEEL some pain for this. Second, He needs to find another job ASAP because as long as they are in constant contact it will never truly end. Third, be strong... don't give in or feel sorry for him because of his ailment. Apparently this has not deterred his philandering ways, right.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "Please be honest and straight with me with your thoughts. I'm don't like games and I always respect the truth."
> - I like that in a person. Here goes. First, you need to set boundaries and keep to them no matter what. If he breaks them, there must be consequences- separation or divorce. He needs to FEEL some pain for this. Second, He needs to find another job ASAP because as long as they are in constant contact it will never truly end. Third, be strong... don't give in or feel sorry for him because of his ailment. Apparently this has not deterred his philandering ways, right.



Apparently this has not deterred his philandering ways, right.

Absoultley right!!!!!

Doesn't matter where he works, if he wants her and to be in contact with her fact is he will. And we had this talk last night. 
I'm done with trying to stop it or figure this mess out. I'd rather be done with him. If he can't get it together and FAST then I'll get it together for him. If being a good women and sticking by him in his time of ailment isn't enough then nothing will ever be and my life will go on just without him. 
Allowing him to play both sides of this coin has triggered something in me that I hate about myself and before I become something else I'll leave him. Simple and plan. There is no reason I should be afraid to be happy with my own husband out of fear that It may come to and end. Thats just stupid!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Letters? Parents? This is nonsense. You need to get in her face. You need to try to get her fired. You need her gone with her tail between her legs, running.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Letters? Parents? This is nonsense. You need to get in her face. You need to try to get her fired. You need her gone with her tail between her legs, running.


They won't fire her. That happens all the time around there. Ppl cheating on mates with co-workers. Breaking up and marrying within the business. They could careless. When she see's me she goes the other way when I visit his job. And she lives with her parents....kids and all. Just not the type of women he is use to at all. She's the get drunk, druggie type with a s*** load of kids. I don't know I guess variety is the
spice of life huh....lol.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok so she can't get fired. I would put the fear of God Himself in her. But then again I like messing with people and scaring the **** out of them. I mean what does SHE know about you, about what you're capable of?

Give you f'rinstance. A guy tried to mug me once. I looked him in the eye and said "I hope you're prepared to die for it, cuz I am." And he walked away. Best not to **** with the crazy people.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Ok so she can't get fired. I would put the fear of God Himself in her. But then again I like messing with people and scaring the **** out of them. I mean what does SHE know about you, about what you're capable of?
> 
> Give you f'rinstance. A guy tried to mug me once. I looked him in the eye and said "I hope you're prepared to die for it, cuz I am." And he walked away. Best not to **** with the crazy people.


:rofl:
When you look at me I look alot younger than I am...alot. And most times I have a no BS look on my face but I smile and am a nice person but your correct she don't know me at all because when It boils down to it and I feel threaten or wrong I am not that damn bright. But I don't feel I should behave in a manner that makes me look like a fool if it turns out that he is in fact telling this woman different because even if she doesn't know he does and he worries about my actions sometimes. 
I wil not fight for what doesn't want me. But if she continues to disrespect me she'll understand. And that will be about me and not him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> You know guys. I always figured if I cooked, clean, took care of the kids, took care of my self and my body and most importantly took care of him IN EVERY WAY, then there would be no way another woman could gain entry into my marriage because I towed the line. A mother to the kids, a housekeeper for the home a cook for my family a respectable sexy woman in public and a freak (for the most part) in bed. Communicate and be his friend that, that was what a marriage needed and would with stand. I guess I was wrong and if this marriage doesn't work I never want to get married again. NOT WORTH THE PAIN....


Then you know in your heart that it was HIM, not you. It's a myth that As only happen in bad marriages, they happen in good ones too. All it takes is for one spouse to have loose boundaries, then BAM! Just keep in your mind that you will get over this, I promise you. I know the pain, but it goes away eventually. Look, I'm a two time loser. I went through the pain when my first marriage ended, my current wife knew my history and what my first wife did to me. Yet many years later, she ended up cheating on me too, which makes it much much worse. We're in R now because she's remorseful for what she did and is meeting my requirements and the pain is starting to lessen. Take it from a two time loser, you will get over this pain. It doesn't seem like it in the beginning, but you will heal eventually.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Then you know in your heart that it was HIM, not you. It's a myth that As only happen in bad marriages, they happen in good ones too. All it takes is for one spouse to have loose boundaries, then BAM! Just keep in your mind that you will get over this, I promise you. I know the pain, but it goes away eventually. Look, I'm a two time loser. I went through the pain when my first marriage ended, my current wife knew my history and what my first wife did to me. Yet many years later, she ended up cheating on me too, which makes it much much worse. We're in R now because she's remorseful for what she did and is meeting my requirements and the pain is starting to lessen. Take it from a two time loser, you will get over this pain. It doesn't seem like it in the beginning, but you will heal eventually.


Yeah Mayhem I know it was HIM, but it doesn't make it any better. Especially when I'm always asking why. I feel I need to know why so that I can try and make sure it doesn't happen again. As if I knew why, if there was a why then it would make it a bit easier to deal with. And yes I'm no fool I understand that it won't and I understand that there just may not be one. But that doesn't make it any easier either. 
What I have to do to begin my healing is take it day by day and in some cases hr by hr. Try to look forward and not back and also try not to stress over what could happen and just prepare myself mentally and financially if it does. Like I said in one of my earlier post. I should NOT be afraid to be happy with my husband out of fear of what could happen.

I'm a good person, a great mother, sister, friend, daughter, and a damn good wife. I'm attractive and hard working. Point blank if he doesn'y do write by me then he can kick rocks cause I can see the forrest through the trees and as hard as it will be to get there I know happiness is possiable for me because I have had it.:smthumbup:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> ...because I have had it.:smthumbup:


Herein lies to key to forcing a decision from him. If R is to happen, this has to be in place on your end. If he's not willing and shows all actions to support it, then you know what you've got to do.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out for you.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Herein lies to key to forcing a decision from him. If R is to happen, this has to be in place on your end. If he's not willing and shows all actions to support it, then you know what you've got to do.
> 
> Good luck and let us know how it turns out for you.


Ok but tell me what if all actions support or better said SEEM to support it yet I'm still apprehensive. Any suggestions? ANYONE?


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## lildeath (Jun 3, 2011)

I'm going through the same sort of thing. My fiance had an EA/PA with a co-worker. He told me he was going to a friends to play guitar and went to her house where he says she made the moves on him and kissed him but nothing else happened. He continued to flirt with her and make plans for dates (he doesn't drive, she doesn't have a car so was I the one who was going to be driving them??). Once I confronted him about the affair (I had a spy program on his phone because I needed to know what was going on to protect myself physically (std's etc)) he promised to sever the relationship and avoid her. Now he still is talking to her (although I've listened to the surround recordings and it's not anything 'iffy') and saying to me he needs to move in with a buddy for a couple months to get his 'head space' who happens to live in the same apartment complex as the OW. He's told his mother he really wants to work on our relationship and wants OUR family. He's agreed to go to counseling and leave the spy program on his phone. I don't get why he needs to work on our relationship by leaving. We have a 3 year old daughter together. He refuses to leave his job because he feels 'comfortable' there. It's a minimum wage part time job...:scratchhead: He's also asked me to drive him up to visit his mother who just had back surgery and needs help out of state. I'm so tempted to drive him up there and leave him there for his all important 'head space' but what if he really is telling the truth about wanting to work on things but needs space? I know men and women are so different in their ways of approach to solve a problem...but I feel like the one person who I thought I could count on to always be there is leaving when I need the support the most (my dad died in jan and my mother has terminal cancer). Anyone else have any thoughts on leaving him with his mom for a few weeks to get the head space he craves? Ulterior motives on my part are he would loose his job which is one of the main problems. I can get over the A, but only if the ties are COMPLETELY SEVERED!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> And thats what I keep going back to. He took it and was using it. But a guy looks at me to long and its world war 1 2 and 3 all over again. And That I'm confused mess is getting old. The more I think about this the more pissed off I get. I think thats wahy I want to speak with her face to face. Cause if I call she'll just hang up. I want to know what he has really been telling her. I can take his word but I don't want to. and I think he knows as well as I if I hear anything different then I'm done. Hard as It maybe. Not knowing if he is here for me or wanting to b with her is stressing me out to the point of losing weight and fast. I'm no that big to begin with.


He starts with telling you all the truth you want to know - what has happened, what he thinks and feels. He commits to you and your relationship, and agrees she is a threat to that relationship that must be removed. You over her, plain and simple. Which means her feelings are now unimportant as to how you go forward.

He agrees to stop all contact with her, right now -- no 'last discussion', no further contact through any form. He sends a NC that you approve of, and you see any and all response.

He gives you full transparency and access to all facebook, email, phone, chat accounts -- including disclosing any you didn't already know of. If he has nothing to hide it shouldn't be an issue.

He begins to do the little things you need to see to know he's working with you and committed to you. He goes to MC with you to discuss what's up in his head, and why there's not total commitment.

You, meanwhile, are in 180 mode. He comes to you. He earns you back. You decide if you will take it or leave it as you get comfortable.

If not, you begin separation proceedings, whatever it takes.


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