# Ladies-Your man and sex



## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Ladies, are any of you married to or dating a man who most of the time does not respond to your sexual advances on him?

I am living with my boyfriend and while I love him, I wish our sex life could be better. (well, more often. The sex is GREAT when we do have it.)

We have sex maybe twice a month. I usually initiate sex and it has gotten to the point where he denies me more than he wants me. I like sex and I want it like 3 times a week so having it only twice a month makes me very frustrated!

I have talked to him about it. I have told him I want us to be together more. All he says is that "he's tired."

I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to make sure he gets sleep as he works 3rd shifts so his sleep time is during the day. I try to make sure he has a relaxing evening before he has to go in to work.

What do you do with the man who is "too tired"? I'm about to the point where I don't even want to try to initiate sex anymore.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

If sex is important to you, then this is a big red flag in your relationship and you have to decide if you can be happy this way. In other posts, people have questioned whether lack of sex is a legitimate reason to end a relationship and it is. Read other posts here. It's also a huge reason for people to be very unhappy in their marriages - even marriages that are 10, 20 years old.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tell him to read MMSL and NMMNG

(_Married Man's Sex Life_ and _No More Mr. Nice Guy_)


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

January said:


> Ladies, are any of you married to or dating a man who most of the time does not respond to your sexual advances on him?
> 
> I am living with my boyfriend and while I love him, I wish our sex life could be better. (well, more often. The sex is GREAT when we do have it.)
> 
> ...


If this is a guy you plan on staying with, maybe it's how you're going about it.

I mean, unless he's a complete dolt, guys like sex. 

A few thoughts... find his hot buttons. For example, I like women going braless. Wifey knows that and she will often do this when she feels frisky. Then she makes it a point to very subtly touch my arm with a nipple... and after a while I start getting friskier and friskier.... I will spare you the gory details.

Maybe "help" him sleep by crawling to bed naked and asking if he needs a cuddle buddy. After a few minutes he may want to do more than cuddly...

Anyway, I'm sure you get the picture. 

Otherwise, I like what IslandGirl3 had to say.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Try initiating at times other than bed time. Is he healthy? High blood pressure or diabetes could be draggin him down. No way I could turn down a woman who's trying.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> If this is a guy you plan on staying with, maybe it's how you're going about it.
> 
> I mean, unless he's a complete dolt, guys like sex.
> 
> ...


I'm always braless when at home. And if we are home alone, I will usually wear something revealing. But no reaction from him.

He often sleeps naked and I will crawl in bed naked with him. I've gave him hand jobs while he's lying there. But nothing.

I can rub his d*ck while we're watching TV. I can look at him and point blank say "Let's go F*ck." And he'll say "I'm tired".

I'm frustrated because I've told him how I felt. I feel neglected and I feel as if he doesn't care to try.

I know he's often tired but does that really mean he can't find enough energy for sex even once a week?


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Try initiating at times other than bed time. Is he healthy? High blood pressure or diabetes could be draggin him down. No way I could turn down a woman who's trying.


He's older, in his 40's. I have wondered if he has any underlying health issues......


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

You need to nip this in the bud right now. This how a sexless marriage starts. Before you know it, 10 years will have gone by and you won't quite remember when the last time was that you actually had sex. Ask him to see a doc about how tired he is. That could be any number of things. That is where I started, and as long as he is putting forth an effort, I"ll keep trying. If you think you can wait him out you won't. God luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are many women here in relationships with men who do not seem to care for sex, or at least sex with them.

How long have the two of you been togther? Has there very been a time when sex was the frequency that you wanted? If it's deminished, what was going on in your lives at that time?

You need to have a talk with him about him needed to take care of his low drive issue. He needs to be honest. If it's because he has lost attraction to you, then you two need to split. If he says this is not the case then he needs to get to a doctor for a checkup to include getting is hormone level checked. He might need hormone replacement. 

Does he snore when he sleeps? He might have sleep apnea. that would need to be taken care of.

He might need more exercise, better food, DHEA suppliments.... etc.

If he is not willing to deal with this issues then I would take it as a sign that he is not attracted to you sexually anymore... and move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

January said:


> He's older, in his 40's. I have wondered if he has any underlying health issues......


How old are you?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I just have a hard time understanding guys like this 

I'm a bit older and I'd love to be intimate with my wife 2 or 3 times a week
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I just have a hard time understanding guys like this
> 
> I'm a bit older and I'd love to be intimate with my wife 2 or 3 times a week
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too Toffer...I would love for my wife to want sex and initiate it like the OP!!! There HAS to be some time during the day or night when he is not too tired for sex with his lady. I am thinking that he could have low testosterone, or maybe he is taking care of his own business while she is out of the house....and then claiming he is too tired later. 

On another point, men like the chase, so I wonder how he would respond if she backed off with her sexual advances. Would he then start initiating more and chase her for sex? If he is content with their current frequency, she should move on to other men who can make her happier.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

January said:


> He's older, in his 40's. I have wondered if he has any underlying health issues......


He needs his Testosterone checked...ASAP... always tired, falling asleep after work, lacking libido, some brain fog... all could point to falling Test Levels. Some men need Treatment nearing this age. (normal levels are between 250- 1100 depending on the Lab)

Is he on any other meds to mess with his libido? Depression meds can near destroy the sex drive. 

Here is a thread - anything sound familiar >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/19213-dealing-low-testosterone-hypogonadism.html



> *I notice the detials said*:On another point, *men like the chase,* so I wonder how he would respond if she backed off with her sexual advances. Would he then start initiating more and chase her for sex?


 She wouldn't have the patience for this ....at only twice a month...

So happy my husband was never like this.... when my drive was higher... and we learned his Test was lower than average in comparison to other men his age..... I think I would have died trying to play SUBTLE... I wanted to seduce the crap out of him... and we learned....THIS is what turned him on, turned the switch & got him fired up.

Although the majority of men DO prefer subtle... mine feels Aggressive is just as grand.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you?


I will be 36 next week.


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## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

No I have not experienced this per se.
We have always had sex often or atleast really often in comparison to many on TAM.
We did have a long period however that my H never initiated with me. I was always the one who started things. Although, we were having sex and were sexually satisfied his lack of initiation began to take its toll. I had doubts and it played on my insecurities. Sex at times was a deed to "get things done"
In hindsight I should have probed and investigated the situation, because although being sexually satisfide our intimacy took a shet kickin.
Turns out yrs early on an occasion while he was initiating sex I laughed at him. I remember the occassion and I thought I was being playful and trying to encourage him to be more comfortable....He obviously saw things differently and was obviously humiliated. He carried this and refused to be vulnerable again. 
Our lack of communication about it deprived both of us comfort and growth for many yrs (5 1/2 to be exact) and it took a terrible time in our relationship and MC for either one of us to talk about the circumstance and how each of us were feeling.
You don't have to not be having sex for there to be a white elephant in the room.!
Do whatever you can to get him to open up about it. Don't confront, accuse, or blame. 
Good Luck.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> Me too Toffer...I would love for my wife to want sex and initiate it like the OP!!! There HAS to be some time during the day or night when he is not too tired for sex with his lady. I am thinking that he could have low testosterone, or maybe he is taking care of his own business while she is out of the house....and then claiming he is too tired later.
> 
> On another point, men like the chase, so I wonder how he would respond if she backed off with her sexual advances. Would he then start initiating more and chase her for sex? If he is content with their current frequency, she should move on to other men who can make her happier.


It's been two weeks now since we last had sex. I'm horny as hell and frustrated too!! He works 3rd shifts so he worked last night. He is off today. Well, he has a 9 year old son who comes over to stay with us on Saturday nights so on Sundays he will only sleep for 2 hours to be able to spend the day with his boy before he has to take him home. Then by the time he gets back from taking his son home, he's so tired from only sleeping two hours, he passes out by 8PM and I end up spending the evening watching him snooze.

He works Monday through Saturday with only Sundays off. I work during the day and I get home around 6PM. We both have Sundays off.

I don't know if I'm just not being understanding enough. On the days we both work, I usually only see him for like 2 hours. Even then he's sleeping. He will lie his head in my lap and take a little cat nap before work. It seems as if 80% of our relationship is him sleeping.

I told him two weeks ago I was feeling very frustrated and how I wanted time with him. He just said he was "tired". I told him I understood he was tired but to please make time for me. He said he would but he didn't know when he could. I told him that was not a satisfactory answer for me because I wanted to know when he would set aside time for me and that I did not want to sit in limbo. He just told me he couldn't tell me when.

So, here it is, two weeks later now. It's Sunday. We have a very large 3 piece sectional sofa and he's sound asleep on one end of the couch and I'm sitting here on the other end typing away. I would love to have some freaky kinky sex tonight but don't know if I should even bother to try. I've tried 3 times in the past two weeks to be with him and I've been turned down.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He needs his Testosterone checked...ASAP... always tired, falling asleep after work, lacking libido, some brain fog... all could point to falling Test Levels. Some men need Treatment nearing this age. (normal levels are between 250- 1100 depending on the Lab)
> 
> Is he on any other meds to mess with his libido? Depression meds can near destroy the sex drive.
> 
> ...


I'm afraid if I didnt make the move, I'd never ever get any!! HA!

Still, at the same time, I'm tired of being the only one who ever does make the move.

I love him and I want to be with him. It's just I'm feeling so very neglected and I went through that with my marriage. I don't want to go through it again.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

If the cause of our slow sex is due to an underlying health issue of his, I will stand beside him. That's not his fault and I would not hold that against him. 

I don't know how to approach the subject with him because he's so "manly" about things and I'm afraid he may be in denial about his performance.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

January said:


> If the cause of our slow sex is due to an underlying health issue of his, I will stand beside him. That's not his fault and I would not hold that against him.
> 
> I don't know how to approach the subject with him because he's so "manly" about things and I'm afraid he may be in denial about his performance.


Oh the manly man... He will be embarrassed in front of his Doctor type.. . ya know what, if he doesn't want to loose you, he will have to get over this... 

Many men his age use Viagra even.. but if he is too tired, even that will not help, do you think he is having some ED issues and hiding them from you... claiming being tired. 

*Mornings are ALWAYS when a man's Testosterone is highest*, plus he will feel refreshed from a good nights sleep... do you ever wake him up in the am with a BJ ?? ... set that alarm a hour before if you have to... If he rejects this... yeah... something is seriously off..


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> If he is not willing to deal with this issues then I would take it as a sign that he is not attracted to you sexually anymore... and move on.


I agree with this. Having been there I know how frustrating and demoralising it is.

If he was into you or cared about your needs he would do whatever it takes to fix this problem. You need to think about your future and if you want to waste time. If he will not do something proactive then you will live like this forever.

I understand the being tired thing but there are ways to work around it. My SO gets very tired from work and other responsibilities so if he is too tired he will go to bed and tell me to wake him in an hour or so.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Holland said:


> I understand the being tired thing but there are ways to work around it. My SO gets very tired from work and other responsibilities so *if he is too tired he will go to bed and tell me to wake him in an hour or so*.


 Mine does the same thing, but I give him a good 3 hours or so.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *Mornings are ALWAYS when a man's Testosterone is highest*, plus he will feel refreshed from a good nights sleep...


^^^^^
Correct.

Also if I'm tired in the night and my wife is in the mood for sex, I usually tell her to wake me up in one hour and I'm ready and I'm recharged and ready to go.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

At this stage in the relationship I would say this will be your life should you choose to stay with him. You have to decide if you love him enough to overlook the lack of sex. 

After all the hints if it's a medical issue and he hasn't sought help with it yet I doubt he ever will. 

Personally, I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone who didn't feel the same way about sex as I do. After a long enough time both of you end up miserable.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Two things, first you say the sex is great. Ask yourself honestly, would he say the same?

Second, you mentioned giving him hand jobs. My wife will sometimes do that to initiate, but then she never escalates it. After a while I actually will lose my erection because it gets boring....she never takes it to the next step. So my mind starts wandering, like ok, what's next?


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

January said:


> He's older, in his 40's. I have wondered if he has any underlying health issues......


You can't change some ones sex drive, you can be the hottest, sexy, wildest and adventurous person ever but unless they're willing you are flogging a dead horse, this man is in his 40's, i had one just like yours but he was in his 20's.

If you don't leave him it will have serious side affects, it will affect your very core being to how you feel sexually, if you are desirable and so on, because lets face it, it is human nature to blame ourselves, so he is giving you a huge fat rejection


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Two things, first you say the sex is great. Ask yourself honestly, would he say the same?
> 
> Second, you mentioned giving him hand jobs. My wife will sometimes do that to initiate, but then she never escalates it. After a while I actually will lose my erection because it gets boring....she never takes it to the next step. So my mind starts wandering, like ok, what's next?


raised eyebrow, *you* don't escalate what are you a man or a mouse, you have your wife's hand on your **** and you just lay there, jesus, who is really the one being boring :sleeping:

there are some great men that are leaders then there are those that are only capable of following, you i fear fall into the latter.

Least your wife initiated, that will stop though if you carry on the same way.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> raised eyebrow, *you* don't escalate what are you a man or a mouse, you have your wife's hand on your **** and you just lay there, jesus, who is really the one being boring :sleeping:
> 
> there are some great men that are leaders then there are those that are only capable of following, you i fear fall into the latter.
> 
> Least your wife initiated, that will stop though if you carry on the same way.


Obviously you've never had the kind of relationship where there is a power struggle, perhaps his W is a lousy follower, and shuts him down when he escalates.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's of course much more complicated than that. We have a tremendous amount of history. We also have a weird dynamic lately that I've been thinking about posting about but haven't decided. Short version is that she wants me to turn her on (I want to do that too) but stops me from doing anything to make that happen. So she stops me from going down on her. Doesn't want to kiss or make out. It leaves a guy laying there wondering what he's allowed to do that won't ruin the experience for both of us. So if she refuses to allow me to escalate in any way, what do I do? The one thing she'll allow me to do, sometimes, is she'll let me pull out the cuffs and tie her to the bed. But definitely not all the time, and still will say no to kissing or oral unless I get pissed (which is counter productive). She'll give ME oral and that's the usual way it escalates. Anyway, I don't want to jack this thread. I'll probably post my own.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

January said:


> It seems as if 80% of our relationship is him sleeping.


Does he see this as a problem? I'm wondering why he sleeps so much.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Mine does the same thing, but I give him a good 3 hours or so.


I have tried getting into bed without waking him so he can get more sleep but always wakes up and then it is on :smthumbup: It seems an hour or so is good for him, he is recharged and ready for action.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Does he see this as a problem? I'm wondering why he sleeps so much.


His sleep pattern is messed up because of schedules. He works from 10 PM to 7 AM. He's home around 7:30 AM. It's usually about 10 AM before he lies down to go to sleep. He then picks my kids up from school for me at 2:30 PM because I do not get off work myself until 5 PM. So now he's only slept for 4 hours. He spends the afternoon with us, we have dinner together but by 7 PM, he's usually fallen asleep on the couch until he has to go to work again.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Trenton said:


> January...find other ways to satisfy yourself and distance yourself from this man who does not think sexual intimacy in a relationship is akin to a barometer of how healthy a relationship is.
> 
> Prior to doing this make sure you give him every chance to find out if it is physical, or if psychological, he is willing to work on it.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying. This is my first relationship since my divorce two years ago. I remember all the nights crying believing I would never love again, but something about this man just pulled me in. My marriage failed (because my ex husband was screwing other women). I want this relationship to work. I don't want another failure.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

We did have sex last night. He fell asleep on the couch and I let him sleep for 3 hours. When we went to bed, I jumped on top of him and asked if he wanted to play. He was a bit on the slow side getting "into it" and I almost hopped off of him and was about ready to say "Whatever" but then he started responding. Then we had sex.

Here's where I get frustrated though. I'm feeling better we were together last night but once again, I made the move. I make the move every single damned time. I wish he would make a move for once! And I wish I had enough will power to wait until he did!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

January said:


> His sleep pattern is messed up because of schedules. He works from 10 PM to 7 AM. He's home around 7:30 AM. It's usually about 10 AM before he lies down to go to sleep. He then picks my kids up from school for me at 2:30 PM because I do not get off work myself until 5 PM. So now he's only slept for 4 hours. He spends the afternoon with us, we have dinner together but by 7 PM, he's usually fallen asleep on the couch until he has to go to work again.


This man is seriously sleep deprived. He works 9 hours a day, 6 days a week and only sleeps 4-6 hours a day? That's nuts. Plus, he's working night shift which does horrible things to people's body clocks. And if he can't even try to make up for it on Sundays, he's just setting himself further and further back.

Has he always worked night shift? Is that something he can change? His health might depend on it. Sleep deprivation is a HUGE killer - all kinds of bad things happen to your body leading to diseases if you don't get enough sleep. 

Take this sleep deprivation seriously before deciding he just doesn't love you or whatever. It sounds like he works very hard on very little sleep.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yes sleep deprivation played a big part in the demise of my own health, attitude and ultimately marriage.

January, if he's working nights he needs to sleep all afternoon, he can't have parenting responsibilities or do chores during that time, can you find someone else, a sitter with a driver's license or even a daycare with later hours to take the kids in the afternoon? his going to bed time sounds reasonable to me, but his wake up time is ludicrous - and if you don't already have them get the blackout curtains in the bedroom because natural light takes a big toll on sleep quality.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with Lon about your partner picking up the kids. Why don't you make different arrangements for this and let him sleep.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Tango said:


> You need to nip this in the bud right now. This how a sexless marriage starts. Before you know it, 10 years will have gone by and you won't quite remember when the last time was that you actually had sex. Ask him to see a doc about how tired he is. That could be any number of things. That is where I started, and as long as he is putting forth an effort, I"ll keep trying. If you think you can wait him out you won't. God luck


I agree 100%! You need to jump on this immediately. This is how a sexless relationship begins. If he is not attracted to you, then you need to find out why. If he is tired, you need to find out why. You do't want him to just engage in a mercy **** just because he feels sorry for you and wants to do it as if it is a job. You want real passion. Don't make the same mistake I, and so many others, have. I was once in your shoes and I let it slide. I regret it. Jump on this. Get a grip on it. Figure it out and fix it.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

norajane said:


> This man is seriously sleep deprived. He works 9 hours a day, 6 days a week and only sleeps 4-6 hours a day? That's nuts. Plus, he's working night shift which does horrible things to people's body clocks. And if he can't even try to make up for it on Sundays, he's just setting himself further and further back. Take this sleep deprivation seriously before deciding he just doesn't love you or whatever. It sounds like he works very hard on very little sleep.


This does make quite a bit of sense. However, I have rarely slept more than 4 or 5 hours a night throughout my entire life, even when I was a kid. I come from a family of insomniacs. I am up throughout the night. I don't get tired. I don't get sick. I am very energetic. I used to have sex 3 times in a row with girlfriends, with 1/2 hour breaks to charge my batteries. 

Sure lack of sleep is a valid excuse, but it is not ironclad. I don't sleep. I would be all over my wife right now if she'd let me.*

(of course there is also the issue of attraction at this point, but that is neither here nor there in reference to my point)


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