# I'm so confused!



## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

I'm a wreck! My husband and I have been married for 7 years. I know 7 year itch but we've been through so much! At first it was great because we were opposites. I kind of felt like we balanced each other out. But now it seems like we are almost too different. I'm outgoing & opinionated and he is reserved & shy. I like to travel; he thinks it's a waste of money. I like to be spontaneous; he has to budget. 
We waited to have kids because he wanted us to save enough money for me to stay home. After 5 years we really started trying and come to find out he has a zero sperm count. He just accepts this as the way it was meant to be and there's nothing we can do. Obviously there is something we could try but not without spending a ton of money. He is a financial planner and very picky about spending money so not really interested. I eventually accepted being childless too. 
My problem now is that if we aren't going to have a family, shouldn't we be doing tons of fun stuff that we normally wouldn't be able to do because of kids??? We do fun things together but most of the time, it's not as fun as it would be if I were doing them with anyone else. He's so reserved and layed back that it's almost boring. 
Also somewhere along the line it seems like he's developed ED. Even if we wanted to have sex with each other we can't. He also writes this off as nothing we can do. If we aren't even going to have sex, I can find a better roommate.
After almost a year of us really not really talking I finally had a talk with him. I explained that it seems like we are drifting apart. I still am upset about not having kids but don't want to bring it up because I know he feels horrible. I feel like if we weren't married, we probably wouldn't even be friends. He agreed that our ideas of fun are completely different. Then we started talking about our lack of sex life. He said that when we were trying he lost the joy in it and since we can't have kids anyway what's the point. That really hurt my feelings. The conversation ended with him saying that we just need to try harder. I said, what, try harder at being different people?
I am trying to be understanding about our unfortunate circumstances but am struggling. I realize that life isn't fair and is full of disappointments but I'm just getting more and more miserable. 
I feel like a horrible person because I'm pretty much done. I don't want to leave out of obligation but we're both so unhappy. I did tell him that I think life is too short not to be happy, whether it's together or apart and he just looked shocked. 
I think that is maybe the biggest problem I have is that he has no ambition to work on things, relationships or otherwise. Example... when we moved into our house, we have never done any maintenance until things are broken, overgrown, leaking etc. I feel like after we got married, he just thought, ok, done with that. I feel like he just assumes we'll be together forever no matter what. I'm absolutely sure he would stay no matter what. If this ends, it's going to have to be me. His parents are miserable too but are SO proud of their 35th wedding anniversary. I just feel like marriage is so superficial. I'd rather be happy. 
I feel like I would be a horrible person for leaving because he can't give me kids. I know it's not his fault but it's not mine either and I'm only 33, I could probably have a family still. 
AND it's not even another guy. I really just want to be alone.
I have asked him several times to go to counceling but he refuses. I feel like I should try harder to work things out but it would only be more "compromises" on my part. 
How long to you stay in a miserable marriage out of obligation?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

You shouldn't EVER stay in a miserable marriage because of obligation. That is doing yourself a disservice and also your husband. Life and marriage is not meant to be prison sentence. 

Apparently you are clear headed and have thought deeply about it and your husband won't go to counseling with you, so really what else can you do?? Maybe if you tell him you are leaving it will shake him up enough to do something, but yet you shouldn't do it expecting for it to happen. You should do it because you are as reasonably sure as you can be about it.


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

southernmagnolia said:


> You shouldn't EVER stay in a miserable marriage because of obligation. That is doing yourself a disservice and also your husband. Life and marriage is not meant to be prison sentence.
> 
> Apparently you are clear headed and have thought deeply about it and your husband won't go to counseling with you, so really what else can you do?? Maybe if you tell him you are leaving it will shake him up enough to do something, but yet you shouldn't do it expecting for it to happen. You should do it because you are as reasonably sure as you can be about it.


Actually isn't the entire point of entering into a marriage about making an obligation? An obligation to stay together until "death do you part" or some other similar verbage? It (marriage) actually is a prison sentance if the vows are taken seriously........which of course they rarely are.

I find it so humorous how married people can so quickly rationalize away the vows they took during that big fancy ceremony..........


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

NotaGoodSlave said:


> Actually isn't the entire point of entering into a marriage about making an obligation? An obligation to stay together until "death do you part" or some other similar verbage? It (marriage) actually is a prison sentance if the vows are taken seriously........which of course they rarely are.
> 
> I find it so humorous how married people can so quickly rationalize away the vows they took during that big fancy ceremony..........


And what about all the other vows besides the one about "till death"??? Is her husband honoring the rest of the marriage contract? Is he loving and honoring her? Sure doesn't sound like it. 

Slacking on one or more parts of it, voids the contract right? She communicated this, he fails to keep up his end of the *complete* contract/vows. So it's broken.......

Maybe he will wake up when she hits the door and realize that just being there is not enough and that you have to be proactive.


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## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

I've been thinking about that too. I made a commitment and want to honor that. I do think a lot of people don't take marriage seriously. I'm trying but I feel like I'm the only one in the marriage. That's a lot of my problem: if I'm the only one really in this relationship...... what do I need him for?? I realize marriages have ups and downs but I can't fight for both of us.
If I had known before we got married that we weren't going to have a family, I seriously don't think I would have married him. Obviously there are no guarantees in life but I also think that includes marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

soudns like he is very low testosterone. If he is happy with the way things are then there is not much you can do, but if he feels like something is missing he should talk to his doctor about his hormone levels - aside from the low drive, ED problems, low testosterone also has other long term health implications, replacement therapy may be something that could help him as well as your relationship to him.


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