# Betrayed, rejected, kicked out, and I still love her?



## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

My live-together GF of 6 years broke off the relationship 3 weeks ago. In the process she admitted to cheating on me in the second year of our relationship. I was also living in her apartment so she kicked me out. Despite all of this, I find myself still thinking about her and wanting to reconcile. She has made it clear she does not want to try anymore. I have been observing, and there are no signs of infidelity going on right now. We were bickering and fighting a lot lately and she says she just had enough.

Her mindset seems to be in "survival" mode. She seems to have rewritten our history such that only bad memories exist, making it easier for her to feel good about her decision to end this. I have been consistent in wanting to work things out but she isn't willing. We have no contact at all. She will not reply to texts or take my calls. I have been spiraling downward. There are so many unanswered questions. And she doesn't want to sit down with me to talk. It's as if she were here today, and died. Gone just like that from my life.

And I still love her? The emotional abuse, the physical abuse (yes she was physical with me), the cheating, the leaving me? I just want to be happy. She has made me feel like this is all my fault. She has manipulated the situation so that her actions are always in response to something I did and thus justified.

She is attractive and naturally I feel like I will not meet someone like her again. I had invested so much of my life into being with her and the thought of starting over at square one with someone else one day is terrifying. I'm having trouble letting go but I see no sign from her she wants anything but to move on separate. We have zero contact. And I fear pestering her and pushing her further away. I think in time the reality that I'm not there for her anymore, due to her choosing, will hit her and that she'll miss me, but that may be false hope. I'm confused and lost.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I don't have any advice, but I want you to know you're not alone. I'm unfortunately right there with you. Even though my husband has been unfaithful, I want so desperately to have my family back but he either has no desire for that or he feels he's done too much to be forgiven for at this point.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I was basically in your situation 4 years ago. I had many of the same feelings you are experiencing. However, I had many more years invested in my relationship. My husband and I had been together more than 20 years. Be glad you have hit this spot before investing more time than you have.

You probably don't want to hear this, but.... She's probably already involved with someone else. Her behavior is typical of a cheater. She's cheated before. She has a track record.

You best bet is to work on yourself and stop trying to contact her. Visit friends and family, pick up new hobbies, etc. Try to keep your mind off of her.

It will get better!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I can feel your pain and hurt...I am in a similar situation...together 9 yrs, married 5 of those, a son together.....and he just left...after a weekend away, we came home...and left....the suitcase wasent even unpacked. It's been 5 1/2 weeks and just a few days ago I found out he's been having an affair. He's been cruel and mean, wants no contact....has not seen our child except one 2 hr visit....complains about any money I take out of our acct....threats...it goes on. And I still wish desperately for a glimpse of the man I thought I was married to.
Be gentle with yourself and try to keep busy....idle time leads to too much time to think


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am sick and bedridden now from all the stress and worrying I have been doing.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

talkitout I am so sorry. It just amazes me how someone who loved and shared a life with another can turn so cold and heartless. My H is the same...it seems he is trying to do his best to hurt me as much as possible....maybe to make me stop talking about reconciling...perhaps like you said to rewrite history to make what he's doing ok. Please do take care of yourself and I hope tmws a better day.


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> talkitout I am so sorry. It just amazes me how someone who loved and shared a life with another can turn so cold and heartless. My H is the same...it seems he is trying to do his best to hurt me as much as possible....maybe to make me stop talking about reconciling...perhaps like you said to rewrite history to make what he's doing ok. Please do take care of yourself and I hope tmws a better day.


Thanks. Yes, she turned completely cold, heartless, and selfish. Not a care for me whatsoever. I don't understand how she can live with herself. I have my normal relationship faults, but she is the one who cheated and I'm the one who gets dumped and kicked out. Love really hurts. I know most will say good riddance, but that's not what my heart feels.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

talkitout said:


> Thanks. Yes, she turned completely cold, heartless, and selfish. Not a care for me whatsoever. I don't understand how she can live with herself. I have my normal relationship faults, but she is the one who cheated and I'm the one who gets dumped and kicked out. Love really hurts. I know most will say good riddance, but that's not what my heart feels.


I know its awful. I think the rejection hurts the most. I truly believe only a true person is able to forgive and those that don't will never be free of the pain. I believe my failure to forgive myself for my wrongs causes me to live in agony right now. 

I've decide to get out tonight. I'm taking my date (my son) to the movies and we are going to get the biggest tub of buttered popcorn they have there.

You told me something special in your first pm to me. Go back and read it. Maybe it will help you. 

Prayers for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

talkitout said:


> Thanks. Yes, she turned completely cold, heartless, and selfish. Not a care for me whatsoever. I don't understand how she can live with herself. I have my normal relationship faults, but she is the one who cheated and I'm the one who gets dumped and kicked out. Love really hurts. I know most will say good riddance, but that's not what my heart feels.


They have to be cold,heartless and selfish how else could they treat us so poorly/cheat on us. If they should any signs of love/care for us then they wouldn't be able to treat us this way. Mine shifts all the blame on me so he feels better and can continue to live as he does. Mine denies there's anyone else but I believe there's a fb friend involved in the destruction of our nearly 3 decade relationship.

Mine won't make eye contact w/ me anymore when he comes over to see kids. Like Aqua123 mine feels he has crossed a boundary and done too much damage that he couldn't come back w/o me constantly reminding him of the damage he has done.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> They have to be cold,heartless and selfish how else could they treat us so poorly/cheat on us. If they should any signs of love/care for us then they wouldn't be able to treat us this way. Mine shifts all the blame on me so he feels better and can continue to live as he does. Mine denies there's anyone else but I believe there's a fb friend involved in the destruction of our nearly 3 decade relationship.
> 
> Mine won't make eye contact w/ me anymore when he comes over to see kids. Like Aqua123 mine feels he has crossed a boundary and done too much damage that he couldn't come back w/o me constantly reminding him of the damage he has done.





Mamatomany said:


> They have to be cold,heartless and selfish how else could they treat us so poorly/cheat on us. If they should any signs of love/care for us then they wouldn't be able to treat us this way. Mine shifts all the blame on me so he feels better and can continue to live as he does. Mine denies there's anyone else but I believe there's a fb friend involved in the destruction of our nearly 3 decade relationship.
> 
> Mine won't make eye contact w/ me anymore when he comes over to see kids. Like Aqua123 mine feels he has crossed a boundary and done too much damage that he couldn't come back w/o me constantly reminding him of the damage he has done.


 That is all so stupid.... they can't come back because they caused too much damage..... so they will just continue to cause more ?

I've got to stop reading these boards. They just cause more sadness and pain for me. I don't understand the thought process expescially after almost 3 decades and all those little babies you have.

Mine would not talk to me for 13 months. Now he's ready to divorce he is all ears and wants talk to me. Now I have nothing to say. Who wants to talk when it's about divorce? I told him today in texts to just go file and be done with it.

I have no desire to start over and date again. I would not even know how as it have been 22 years. So I guess I will just end up being an old cat lady. Would you like to be the old woman who lived in a shoe and had so many children she did not know what to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I feel the same....mine has turned in the last two weeks or so into someone who can say/do anything without a feeling in the world....rubs it in my face now that he's seeing someone....saying cruel things such as "I wont be thinking about her (meaning me when I'm deep in my new gf." this was to a friend of mine who sent him a msg about what he's done. He will not communicate at all...in fact has told me on several occasions that if I do not stop calling or trying to contact him he will file a restraining order. He will not see the children....not one call....one concern about how they are. It has devastated me beyond comprehension. I get physically sick during the day....just out of the blue my stomache hardens and I get a violently ill feeling...then the waterworks. And is he feeling anything? Probably nothing. He has rewritten our life together to be nothing but pure misery for him and a 'prison' he's glad to be out of. It breaks me heart. 
I know I keep repeating but it just won't sink in that this is my husband...the man I made such a beautiful child with...the man who cheered me on when I went back to school and the day he left was discussing my bday plans and our plans for the future. I truly don't know how to even think of trusting another after this....he's destroyed that in me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sometimes the answer is right in the thread title.

She betrayed, rejected and kicked you out. She does not respect or love you. 

You need to find your dignity and move on. 

No contact with her forever. Move on with your life.


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Sometimes the answer is right in the thread title.
> 
> She betrayed, rejected and kicked you out. She does not respect or love you.
> 
> ...


The cold truth. I know. So hard to accept.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> That is all so stupid.... they can't come back because they caused too much damage..... so they will just continue to cause more ?
> 
> I've got to stop reading these boards. They just cause more sadness and pain for me. I don't understand the thought process expescially after almost 3 decades and all those little babies you have.
> 
> ...


My H makes no rational sense right now, I think about it like he has two personalities. I keep reminding myself that the real him is buried deep inside and I am waiting to see which one will come out in the end. I do think mine is in MLC and may have had an A, but no proof and I have a little more patience left.

You are right these boards can add to the sadness if you aren't careful. It's all very sad. 

My kids actually joke about the little lady in the shoe... 
I am too young, enjoy sex and male companionship too much to be by myself though. 

Did your H ever send back the paperwork w/ the changes? How's the vacation plans coming? Even if it's just a long weekend.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

talkitout said:


> .
> She is attractive and naturally I feel like I will not meet someone like her again. I had invested so much of my life into being with her and the thought of starting over at square one with someone else one day is terrifying. I'm having trouble letting go but I see no sign from her she wants anything but to move on separate. We have zero contact. And I fear pestering her and pushing her further away. I think in time the reality that I'm not there for her anymore, due to her choosing, will hit her and that she'll miss me, but that may be false hope. I'm confused and lost.


Many relationship books that I have bought said to let the 0 contact continue and go 180 (for you) and then as you think she may miss you and contact you. Most books I have read say at least 30 days of NC maybe even a little longer. You are right not to push. I think TW Jackson? Magic of Making Up addresses your situation.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> My H makes no rational sense right now, I think about it like he has two personalities. I keep reminding myself that the real him is buried deep inside and I am waiting to see which one will come out in the end. I do think mine is in MLC and may have had an A, but no proof and I have a little more patience left.
> 
> You are right these boards can add to the sadness if you aren't careful. It's all very sad.
> 
> ...


Enjoy sex too much.....I just included on my list to move forward....I'm going to put all my focus into working out....by my 41st birthday the end of June....I'm going to have the flattest ABS and tightest butt the Cougar show will be calling me to replace Courtney Cox...lol. then I'm going to go out and find one of those Cologne models and make sure he comes with me to pick Noah up from his dads. Ha ha. He will regret the divorce....he knows he had it good. I don't know when it will come but he will regret it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Many relationship books that I have bought said to let the 0 contact continue and go 180 (for you) and then as you think she may miss you and contact you. Most books I have read say at least 30 days of NC maybe even a little longer. You are right not to push. I think TW Jackson? Magic of Making Up addresses your situation.


Thank you. We weren't married and have no kids, no mutual assets, nothing. So zero contact could literally be forever. But it seems like that's all I can do. I can't force her to love me. She has to love me on her own free will. The only thing I can control is whether I send her 5 desperate texts a day that will go unanswered, or simply go no contact...possibly forever. It's hard. It seems so counterintuitive, especially when you start thinking that the other person is dating and living their life again without you. 

So let's say she dates, has a great time with her newfound single life again, and ultimately meets some real jerks that show her what a good guy I really was and she comes back? Somehow the thought of that still seems pretty empty to me.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Enjoy sex too much.....I just included on my list to move forward....I'm going to put all my focus into working out....by my 41st birthday the end of June....I'm going to have the flattest ABS and tightest butt the Cougar show will be calling me to replace Courtney Cox...lol. then I'm going to go out and find one of those Cologne models and make sure he comes with me to pick Noah up from his dads. Ha ha. He will regret the divorce....he knows he had it good. I don't know when it will come but he will regret it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Woohoo there you go! That's the attitude!


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