# Men's advice....please



## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

I need some men's advice or whatever you want to call it. Me & my , now fiance, (use this term loosely), have been together for 6 years & he has finally proposed to me on Christmas. But now that he has proposed after 6 years he will not discuss the wedding at all. He will not set a date or anything. Says we are not ready to be married that there are alot of things he wants to do before we get married. We do not live together, he has never lived on his own & is going on 31. He has a good job & makes decent money. Me however has lived on my own & been a single parent since I was 17 but he still claims we are not "ready". I feel like he gave me a ring to "shut me up" but doesn't have the intention to follow through....any advice


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

He gave you the ring to shut you up. 

No kids with him? Time to move on. And he won't get it at all.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

that's what I kind of figured. No I do not have any kids with him, I have a 7 year old that calls him dad & that he has raised tho. But yes I think it was to shut me up...thanks tho


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Ask him what he thinks you both "need" to be "ready". You do need to have a talk with him.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

we have talked...he wants the perfect life before he settles down as he claims. He wants to own a home etc but he has never even moved out of his parents. He wants me to go back to school but he doesn't comprehend that I cant....I dropped out of high school my junior year to have my son & have been a single mom living on my own since. I busted my butt just to go back & get my GED & my CNA license, but its not good enough, when I pointed that out he said "whoa" sarcastically but he doesnt understand b/c he's 30 & has never had to live in the real world. idk what else to do. I've been planning our wedding for Oct & was talking to him about it & he just shut down my ideas in the blink of an eye


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Whoa...wait. He's 31 and still lives with his parents? Run away. Fast.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Tell him that if he doesn't want to set a date, then you don't believe he is committed. That's the truth. And, tell him that if he isn't serious, splitting up would be preferable. If he is serious and just freaked out, he'll step up his game. Otherwise...well is he 31 and living with his mom because he's a momma's boy or because there is some reason? Coupled with the wanting to live a lot more before marriage, this idea seems to indicate that he isn't ready for marriage. If that's really what you want, don't waste your time with him.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

That's kind of what I've been thinking for a while. He has never lived on his own. The only bill he has is a truck payment. Meanwhile has all sorts of toys but complains. I tell him it makes me mad & that I would love to trade places with him. He had me move to his home town away from all my friends & family where all I knew here was his friends & family 4 & a half years ago so we could take our relationship further & I have lived 2 miles from him the whole time but still nothing


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You were engaged for 6 years before you got a ring.

Figure another 6 years before serious wedding discussions begin.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

Moxy...I kind of believe that the reason he still lives at home is because his younger brother passed away when he 21 & I think he feels guilty leaving his mom. But his mom does baby him ALOT. I mean when you are 30 your mom should not still be making your bed every morning when you leave for work or doing your laundry or cleaning your room (I dont even clean my 7 year olds room for crying out loud)

& there is absolutely NO WAY I am waiting another 6 years. I waited patiently bc he had never been in a serious relationship before me, had not even had a steady girlfriend since highschool. I was the first girl he said I love you too & I'm the only girl he has ever taken home for family get togethers. I thought I was special but idk anymore if he won't commit


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

<3LoVe<3 said:


> I mean when you are 30 your mom should not still be making your bed every morning when you leave for work or doing your laundry or cleaning your room


Is she still breastfeeding him?


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

May as well be...it's ridiculous. I have tried taking over cleaning his room doing his laundry etc. I even spent a whole day fixing his closet & dressers so he knew where everything was & plus it annoys me to hang up sweat pants & just regular undershirts & she just undoes is after I do it. But if we do try to do something or when he stays at my house she is calling & texting him & if he turns his phone off she's calling & texting me. We even have had to leave our dates b.c she "needed" us. Me & her get along & I have tried explaining that he is 30 & not 5 & she says she knows but then she continues. & I'm not babying him like she does. & it completely ticks her off that I am his emergency contact for his doctor & work & hospital etc & if he says something about my cooking being really good & its just crazy


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

How old is she?

You might have to wait her out.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

The OP doesn't have to wait anything out. Why would she wait out his mom? So she can be his new mom?

No way. Leave now.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Well yeah, that would be the better move.

But if you're not going to leave him, then your second best option is to wait 20 years or so until his mom is either dead or so out of it that she's no further influence on him.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

you are right....I left their house today in the middle of my Redskins game after telling him he needed to grow up & be a man, or continue his life without me. I want a stable life for my son, not games. I was in an abusive marriage before now & I have had enough of been done wrong.....


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

<3LoVe<3 said:


> you are right....I left their house today in the middle of my Redskins game after telling him he needed to grow up & be a man, or continue his life without me.


Now that you said it, you better stick to your guns. If he doesn't change and you sort of shelve the idea of leaving, you've just dug yourself an even deeper hole.

Know this. After you left and slammed the door behind you he was sitting there smug in his easy chair with mommy serving him dinner and telling him you'll be back tomorrow night acting like nothing ever happened. He'll be thinking more about the Redskins poor decisions to play their injured quarterback than yours which was to throw out an ultimatum and walk out the door in a huff.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

He was probably more laughing at the Skins' poor judgement because that's my team not his.....he's texted talking smack about it but I told him I didn't want his b/s about acting like there wasnt a problem when their was. I told him to leave me alone until he could act like an adult. I'm going to be strong, b/c if I'm not then he will know he can do whatever he darn well pleases & I will allow it & I'm not. I've done that before, but I'm done with that.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

It sounds like he has some serious issues about grief, obligation, and entitlement. Losing a sibling is tough. However, he can't have a real family with you if he isn't fully present and he can't just stick you on the back burner to wait for him.

I think you should have a serious talk with him. I think you should ask him to move in with you, set a date, and agree to counseling and fair contribution to your shared life. I think it should be close to his family do he can visit, but in a separate place do you two can start having a life. I think you should tell him that he needs to think about setting a date. Give him two weeks to agree to these things and if he isn't ready by then, you will end the engagement and move on without him. 

He won't face the reality unless you show it to him. You're contemplating leaving if there is no change. So, put all the cards in the table and see what happens. If he is t ready, then you can move on; it will hurt, but it's better than being dragged along for another six years.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

I only live 2 miles from his parents....& yes it was tough on him loosing his younger sibling, it was tough on all of us because I was friends with his brother which is how we know each other. I am close to his family also, i still make sure they are included in everything. even holidays we focus on them. I have always stood behind him through so much. & I still do. I do more then more then likely any other girl my age would be willing to do. He has had major surgery on his legs from a 4-wheeler wreck when he was a kid to the point to where he is ate up with arthritis & has already had to have a fusion & they are now discussing an amputation & I am right there beside him for everything. But he doesn't appreciate it. The times I've left him he came looking for me quickly & says he knows I'm the one for him & he will never find another woman half as good as me but yet he continues his games knowing that he will lose me & I just don't get it


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I dated a woman for eight years long ago and she was you without the kid and I would just say things to shut her up until finally I got the balls to end it which I should had done six years earlier,I still feel bad about not letting her go and find somebody else. 

When I met my wife we also dated for a long time but when we talked marrige it was going to happen and we only talked about it one time. 

The moral here is when people are ready they do it and if they are not into it they do things to shut the other person up.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

<3LoVe<3 said:


> The times I've left him he came looking for me quickly & says he knows I'm the one for him & he will never find another woman half as good as me but yet he continues his games knowing that he will lose me & I just don't get it


And that pattern will repeat itself this time. He will come begging you for forgiveness without really knowing why he should be asking for forgiveness. He will tell you you're the one for him, but will continue to refuse to make a commitment. He will tell you that you're his queen, but his mother is the centre of his universe.

It's up to you to break that pattern. You deserve better.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

I'ld hope he wouldn't do that with my son though, because it would be very, very bad news for him if he did. He can hurt me, but to play games with my child as well would be the worst mistake he ever made in his life. He knows this too because I made it very clear from the very beginning. I am highly protective of my son & he is the only guy I dated that made it to the point of meeting my son (I'm not 1 of these single mom's who brings every guy into their lives). my fiance's step dad raised him because me & his mom had a similar start (pregnant in h/s marry the father & he ended up being abusive). I honestly don't think he would do that to my child but what do I know!


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

The pattern will be broken this time & he knows this....I go by the 3 strike rule & this will be his 3rd strike.....he knows if I leave this time there will be no begging back, we had this talk the last time he begged himself back in & that was 2 & a half years ago & there haven't been any problems since then until now...


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

The relationship with his mom is not going to change,you will just be married visiting her all the time or he will be at her place all the time and are you sure you want to be with somebody that has been taken care of, because once he leaves his mother side it will be you doing what she did for him.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

I'm not really sure of anything anymore. I dont have anyone to talk to about it because all the people I know here are associated with him & I've moved away from my friends & family (which is why I created my thing on here today to ask). I just thought for sure when he asked me to marry him things were finally changing, & then he shot down everything. The only things he has even discussed about a wedding was agreeing that my son would give me away & the rules to my dress! So no, I am not sure of anything anymore.....I've wanted to marry him for a few years & now I've got my ring & nothings changed


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

<3LoVe<3 said:


> I'm not really sure of anything anymore. I dont have anyone to talk to about it because all the people I know here are associated with him & I've moved away from my friends & family (which is why I created my thing on here today to ask). I just thought for sure when he asked me to marry him things were finally changing, & then he shot down everything. The only things he has even discussed about a wedding was agreeing that my son would give me away & the rules to my dress! So no, I am not sure of anything anymore.....I've wanted to marry him for a few years & now I've got my ring & nothings changed


Nothing is changing because he his really comfortable not rocking the boat his life is. You have given up a great deal to be with him and he believes that you are the one that is not ready for marriage. Not him. He wants you to go to school and etc.. etc. to be ready for marriage. He does need to grow up a great deal. At the first sign of marital trouble he'll be running back to Mom. Rules for your dress? Controlling much? It's your dress and I hope you get to wear what you are comfortable and beautiful in. You will be looking at your wedding photos for years after the wedding. Would you like to look at them and think how great you felt in your dress or how you wished you could have worn the dress you wanted? Things are not changing and they/he won't. Other posters have said the same thing so now that you know that how do you think you should proceed?


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Lets see,he does not want to get married,he has his mom take care of him and now I see on the Sex fourm on here you say he has some issues in the bedroom so once again what makes this guy a prize catch? 

I think you need to take a serious look at this guys and be glad you are not married.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

Thank all ya'll for the advice....it gave me alot to consider. I will go for my run today & put all the things together because that is when I think the best. He is controlling, he wasn't always, he used to be great. The only thing that stayed constant was his love for my son & that was a huge thing to me. But I don't want to be unhappy the rest of my life....thanks again


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

4 threads on one day on the same subject. 

Might help to keep all on one thread.......


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> The only things he has even discussed about a wedding was agreeing that my son would give me away & the rules to my dress! So no, I am not sure of anything anymore.....I've wanted to marry him for a few years & now I've got my ring & nothings changed


1.) Why the hell is your SEVEN-YEAR-OLD son giving you away? He's not currently IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE, is he? Like a piece of property being passed from control/protection of one man (7 years old?) to another? Blech!

2.) Why is HE making rules about YOUR dress? Is he Calvin Klein? Clinton Kelly? Tommy Hilfiger? What, are you not SMART enough, not classy enough, not mature enough to pick out an appropriate dress? 

*These two things SAY it ALL about his attitude toward you!*

In HIS opinion, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be married to. Go to school and become more educated, get a better job, dress the way HE prefers, learn to take care of him ENDLESSLY like his MOMMY, and THEN you may POSSIBLY be "good enough" to say 'I do' with!

Run like the wind and take your son with you! This relationship is teaching your SON ALL THE WRONG THINGS about how men/women should be interacting. This is a controlling, one-sided relationship that will only escalate over time (if he has the amputation will he expect you to do EVEN MORE for him? Will Mommy need to MOVE IN to ENSURE that sonny-boy wants for NOTHING with all his suffering?) 

BTW: Why did you have to cut your family off in order to be with him?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

<3LoVe<3 said:


> . . . . He has never lived on his own. The only bill he has is a truck payment. Meanwhile has all sorts of toys but complains. . . .


Sweetie, surely you can do better than this. The 7-year-old will eventually grow up. The 31-year-old you wish to marry – he never will.


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