# Letting go after divorce



## Jamie1973 (Jun 12, 2018)

Hi
I'm glad I found this forum and hope some of you will be able to help me figure out a way of moving forward free of my ex wife.
We were married for 15 years and had two kids. Both still young enough to need me to pick them up from their house. It was a rollercoaster marriage and although I was very beta in the marriage, a real mr nice guy but we did argue although I was gaslighted and made to feel guilty. She was very hot. Men couldn't stay away and she loved it. She was faithful for most of our time but did have an affair at some point. We got over it and carried on for a few years until she wanted to divorce as the arguing was constant. 
We have remained civil for the kids sake but do not have much to do with each other. I live nearby so I see the kids regularly and sometimes chat with her about the kids briefly. However, she has started dating and although she doesn't know that I've noticed a change in her, it's killing me. I always loved her and thought we may mature over time and get back together although I never persued her, she knows how I feel. Since the dating, I have become jealous and can't stop thinking about her. I have even tried dating myself but nobody has her qualities which prevents me moving on. We have started arguing, mainly my fault because she has become withdrawn since meeting someone. I feel like I'm going mad. I do need to put my feelings aside for my own sake but feel trapped. I can't go NC for long because of the kids. 
Any advice here guys?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Jamie1973 said:


> Hi
> I'm glad I found this forum and hope some of you will be able to help me figure out a way of moving forward free of my ex wife.
> We were married for 15 years and had two kids. Both still young enough to need me to pick them up from their house. It was a rollercoaster marriage and although I was very beta in the marriage, a real mr nice guy but we did argue although I was gaslighted and made to feel guilty. She was very hot. Men couldn't stay away and she loved it. She was faithful for most of our time but did have an affair at some point. We got over it and carried on for a few years until she wanted to divorce as the arguing was constant.
> We have remained civil for the kids sake but do not have much to do with each other. I live nearby so I see the kids regularly and sometimes chat with her about the kids briefly. However, she has started dating and although she doesn't know that I've noticed a change in her, it's killing me. I always loved her and thought we may mature over time and get back together although I never persued her, she knows how I feel. Since the dating, I have become jealous and can't stop thinking about her. I have even tried dating myself but nobody has her qualities which prevents me moving on. We have started arguing, mainly my fault because she has become withdrawn since meeting someone. I feel like I'm going mad. I do need to put my feelings aside for my own sake but feel trapped. I can't go NC for long because of the kids.
> Any advice here guys?


"nobody has her qualities"

Ok, so she was hot but do you really want someone with the qualities of guilt tripping you, constantly arguing with you and then add in she's a cheater. Think about those qualities. I know it's hard because I have gone through the same stuff and still am as we near the end of our divorce settlement but damn, you sure as heck can do better. I know it won't be in the same context. It would be great to have a Hot mom, that is the mother of your children and you live happily ever after but you can eventually replace that with a Hot (Step)Mom that is not a cheater.

You can go NC with her. My kids are the most important things in my life and I can still co-parent effectively. You set up a google calendar, you put every damn thing on that calendar from her until at least the end of the year and correspondence and changes can be done through that. You will get the occasional message about, do you mind if I facetime the kids, I'm running late getting the kids, etc but I must say, over the first full week of my STBXW being out of the house and in her own house. We have had maybe 5-7 total messages and 2 in the last days. All kid related. It's not absolute NO Contact but it's pretty damn close and simple. Plan, plan and plan so that the contact is taken out of the equation.

The more desperate you seem to her or that she knows what you feel, will make you feel more down on yourself and garner less respect from her.

What do you do for fun, do you currently exercise, workout?


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## Jamie1973 (Jun 12, 2018)

Maybe I just haven't met the right person yet but It's not just her looks, it's her cheeky personality and the bond I had with her. We were very close even though she needed attention from time to time. Men in our town hated me because she flirted with guys. It was hard to cope with but I need some way of channelling the bad stuff so that I manage to shut the door on her for good. I don't message her much and we do plan arrangements but things come up. She is happy to change visit days and we help each other out if there is a problem as we don't have family close by. It's like we are stuck together in away. Before she started dating, we used to have a joke and occasionally go out with the kids but that stopped late last year.
I try and work out although I work 12 hour shifts so I don't get much time.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The truth is that it just takes time to heal and there is no rushing the process. Read about the stages of grief and realize that there is a lot of jumping around between the stages and it isn't a linear progression. Eventually you'll get to the point of acceptance and it won't bother you anymore. Until then work out, eat healthy, and develop a life (friends, hobbies, a purpose, etc.) without her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don’t use the kids as an excuse for not doing no contact. 

Never go into her home or allow her into yours. Never speak on the phone. Text or email kids only. 

Pickups and drops can be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement.

I’ve seen this done effectively. The only one keeping you wrapped up in this is you.

It’s only effective if you apply it. It sounds like you’re living on hopium for her to return.

Better wake up to reality


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I'm just guessing she seems to be able to cast a spell over people and is using it with her charm and looks but just because you are hot doesn't mean you can't be true and loyal. What she did in your marriage to break it apart with cheating, is a real reflection of her own insecurities, not yours.

You need to break that spell by channeling the madness you have into something positive. The first go to is always working out so I would find a way to get that done, even with 12 hour days. 12 hour days still leaves 12 hours in a day  You eat breakfast before work? You eat lunch during work. Let's say you want 8 hours of sleep and rest time. That leaves 4 hours to eat dinner, have some fun and get a damn workout in. The less downtime you have the better. Downtime = thinking time, thinking time = bad times when you feel like this.

She has shut the door on you other than when she needs a helper, so you need to shut the door on her. Doesn't mean you are angry or disrespectful. Means you are cordial but unavailable. 

How old are your kids?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jamie1973 said:


> Hi
> 
> we did argue
> I was gaslighted
> ...


What qualities might these be? 

Get to the gym, purchase some new clothing. Arrive to pick up the kids looking and feeling good. Be the one moving on to something better(and you will if you let it) Let your XW start wondering what she has screwed up.


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## Jamie1973 (Jun 12, 2018)

Yes she does cast spells on men. Good call! She definitely got me. She uses her vulnerability to lure you in but she's no snowflake. 
The kids are 10 and 6 now. I have become good at drop offs of late. Door opens, bags go onto the doorway, I say hello and tell her which is the clean laundry. She looks at me. Awkward silence, I kiss the girls good bye and I'm down the road. 3 minutes is about right. 
Sometimes I get a text to ask me why I'm such an a$$hole. I just get angry looking at her face. She is usually still dolled up from seeing a guy and it gets to me. I don't say anything though. 
She has always been quite a dark character being a firery latina. But that was half of her charm. She can be very pursasive. I just need to think of a way of breaking her spell for good with out having to leave town. 
I am ok in myself though. I have a good wardrobe, keep myself busy and do what I like. In a way I've become used to my own company and don't really know how a relationship would feel anymore. I see my friends, go on dates, have a good career..it could be worse.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Why does it get to you? What do you perceive he is getting that you aren't?


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## Jamie1973 (Jun 12, 2018)

Whoever he is..he is getting her at her most charming and attractive. It probably won't last long as she doesn't want a relationship as she knows I may cut the purse strings and not help her out in any way. The sex with her was always amazing which is another reason I'm in this rut.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jamie1973 said:


> Whoever he is..he is getting her at her most charming and attractive. *It probably won't last long as she doesn't want a relationship as she knows I may cut the purse strings and not help her out in any way.* The sex with her was always amazing which is another reason I'm in this rut.


My friend you should only pay her what the D settlement allows. You are doing a form of trying to "nice her back" and the "pick me dance" if you go above that. It never works and only makes you look weak and pathetic. Very unnattractive to women.

All cheaters want to be "friends" it helps alleviate guilt and makes them feel better. It does nothing for you. 

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. 

Quit living in the past so you can fully move on like she has.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

@Jamie1973, one of the things I miss about my ex is that we had a history together. I missed his family, still do, as dysfunctional as they are (they are a long way away but I'd see them twice a year or so). But for the better part of 20 years, his kids were my kids, I had grandkids, I had sisters-in-love. 

But @stillfightingforus has a point. I had an encounter with my ex recently. At times there was remorse and sadness, and interestingly, he confessed that he'd done a lot of what he did because he was selfish. The last time I talked with him he was angry at some good friends who had supported him during a tough time in his life, and he was convinced they were out to do him wrong (he was in one of his manic/paranoic moments that he gets). My ex just never would admit he was bi polar, depressed, and as paranoid as the doctor said he was. As much I love the guy he was, I have to realize that i miss what I had with him, what came with the him as as package deal, and I don't really miss him all that much. I'm mad that after 20 years the OW/***** is going to get his income in her retirement while I'm still working until I die, but it's a small price to pay for peace and quiet in my own space and for his bipolar insanity that he refuses to treat to be somewhere else.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

TeddieG said:


> @Jamie1973, one of the things I miss about my ex is that we had a history together. I missed his family, still do, as dysfunctional as they are (they are a long way away but I'd see them twice a year or so). But for the better part of 20 years, his kids were my kids, I had grandkids, I had sisters-in-love.
> 
> But @stillfightingforus has a point. I had an encounter with my ex recently. At times there was remorse and sadness, and interestingly, he confessed that he'd done a lot of what he did because he was selfish. The last time I talked with him he was angry at some good friends who had supported him during a tough time in his life, and he was convinced they were out to do him wrong (he was in one of his manic/paranoic moments that he gets). My ex just never would admit he was bi polar, depressed, and as paranoid as the doctor said he was. As much I love the guy he was, I have to realize that i miss what I had with him, what came with the him as as package deal, and I don't really miss him all that much. I'm mad that after 20 years the OW/***** is going to get his income in her retirement while I'm still working until I die, but it's a small price to pay for peace and quiet in my own space and for his bipolar insanity that he refuses to treat to be somewhere else.



Can't you get part of his SS if married at least 10 years?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I asked the ages for communication straight to them. Now I understand that you will have pick up/drop off and special circumstance correspondence communication with ExW but at ages 10 and 6, mine are 11 and 7. I set it up so that we can communicate directly to the kids for 'how are you doings, good nights, do you like this bike I found, etc" I picked up a phone for my son for his birthday this past weekend, he was due anyway as he is heading to Middle School next year. As for my daughter, she has an iPad and I gave her one of my old Galaxy Notes to use over Wi-Fi. I hooked them all up to Google Hangouts as well as both being text compatible ... so that my STBXW can contact them over those devices while they are at my house and vice versa.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Here is where guys like you mess up. 

Be attracted to a women because of her beauty, desire her, pursue her for a physical relationship if you want. Make love to her and enjoy her beauty.

Hang out with a women because she is fun, laugh with her date her. 

But only fall in love with her and marry her because of her character. 

Think that way and you won't waste your time pining away for an unfaithful *******. 

Looks fade, you can have fun with lots of men and women, character is the only thing that people have complete control over and the primary thing that matters in a relationship. 

Never love someone enough to let them abuse you or make you miserable.

There are literally tens of thousands of women you can meet and have a relationship with, as long as you hold on to you loser wife you will meet none.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Jamie1973 said:


> Hi
> I'm glad I found this forum and hope some of you will be able to help me figure out a way of moving forward free of my ex wife.
> We were married for 15 years and had two kids. Both still young enough to need me to pick them up from their house. It was a rollercoaster marriage and although I was very beta in the marriage, a real mr nice guy but we did argue although I was gaslighted and made to feel guilty. She was very hot. Men couldn't stay away and she loved it. She was faithful for most of our time but did have an affair at some point. We got over it and carried on for a few years until she wanted to divorce as the arguing was constant.
> We have remained civil for the kids sake but do not have much to do with each other. I live nearby so I see the kids regularly and sometimes chat with her about the kids briefly. However, she has started dating and although she doesn't know that I've noticed a change in her, it's killing me. I always loved her and thought we may mature over time and get back together although I never persued her, she knows how I feel. Since the dating, I have become jealous and can't stop thinking about her. I have even tried dating myself but nobody has her qualities which prevents me moving on. We have started arguing, mainly my fault because she has become withdrawn since meeting someone. I feel like I'm going mad. I do need to put my feelings aside for my own sake but feel trapped. I can't go NC for long because of the kids.
> Any advice here guys?


Hi,
pull all out the stops to have her date you. You both liked each other at one time. Slowly tell her what you need and she needs to stop putting you down. See a therapist. Pursue her, don't give up. Women need to be pursued and men need to be appreciated.
Gottman and Dr. Laura have good marriage books. Read them, or get the audio book CDs to listen too. 

You have two kids, you got to win her back. If you are beta, become a Alpha and act the part, tell her what you will accept and not accept. You set the boundaries, you tell her what, where you go out. When she gaslights you you need to combat that on the spot. That is why you need to read all the Gottman books. 
Get off this site people will give you bad advise.

Become a alpha, be a beta if you choose in the bedroom. She is using this new guy as a drug. You are the life prescription,
Listen n to a Nute Rockney win speach, or Churchhill speach.

You can say when you call her: I am considering the children, how much I love you, I remember the things that we drawn each other together. We deserve to talk about it over dinner. Take her out. give her to dates to choose from. Don't let her wiggle out of a commitment to meet for diner. Take her to a semi fancy place. dress nice where cologne, bring her a rose. Don't you or her talk about divorce at all. Talk about pleasant things, say that you are seeing a therapist and you want to lay the ground work to reconcile. Then say I am going to prove I am your man and I will win you back. Saythis and shut up. the first one who talks loses. if a no comes up counter the objection and get a commitment.

Say, I will win you back. pick something she likes to do. Like bowling. I will pick up on friday at 7 or Saturday at 7 we will go bowling and out for cocktails at nice place. it is either close. You are giving her no room to say no with that one. 

It sounds your gaslit experience hasn't destroyed you both. Oh Listen to Dr. laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. She should listen to that too.

Now go fight for her and don't return to this site. It's mighty negative, good luck.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Jamie1973 said:


> Yes she does cast spells on men. Good call! She definitely got me. She uses her vulnerability to lure you in but she's no snowflake.
> The kids are 10 and 6 now. I have become good at drop offs of late. Door opens, bags go onto the doorway, I say hello and tell her which is the clean laundry. She looks at me. Awkward silence, I kiss the girls good bye and I'm down the road. 3 minutes is about right.
> Sometimes I get a text to ask me why I'm such an a$$hole. I just get angry looking at her face. She is usually still dolled up from seeing a guy and it gets to me. I don't say anything though.
> She has always been quite a dark character being a firery latina. But that was half of her charm. She can be very pursasive. I just need to think of a way of breaking her spell for good with out having to leave town.
> I am ok in myself though. I have a good wardrobe, keep myself busy and do what I like. In a way I've become used to my own company and don't really know how a relationship would feel anymore. I see my friends, go on dates, have a good career..it could be worse.


When she text you about anything other than the children do not answer her. Fight the urge to answer back to any insults, as she's trying to lower you to her level. 

Latin people are warm loving and nurturing, but firery they can sure be. 
My Exw was half Japanese and half Puerto Rican & 100% demon spawn. She had no shame on using anything at arms length to hurt me, which included the kids.

After her affair fizzled out with POS, she tried to lure me back to her nest. She promised me the world, fmf threesome, among other things. Thank goodness had awesome support. It was difficult as I wanted to raise my boy and little girl under one roof, but how would they view me?

Good luck, stay strong.

S1






Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Since you are divorced and she is dating, I would end contact. You can communicate by email and schedule things on an online calendar. My exwife and I have two children. When she chose to cheat and leave the family, i chose to end contact with her for life. And everything works fine. I almost never talk to her. We've had maybe three or four VERY SHORT conversations in the past two years since we separated and divorced. I did have one breakfast meeting with because of an emergency situation with one of our kids. But even at that meeting I was all business and did not dote or try to meet any of her emotional needs. (I was never that way as a husband. I was tender and loving.)

Spending 3 minutes at the door with her is entirely unnecessary. Let's face it. You WANT to spend those 3 minutes with her, and you'd look for more time if you could, I'd bet. But that is bad for your recovery. Seeing her will not help you to get over her and find acceptance. Keep her out of sight so that she will stay out of mind. This will take a long time, but if you end contact at least you won't get triggered. 

When dropping off the kids, wait in the car until they get in. Who the hell cares if she knows which of the clothes are clean or dirty? This is the exact same beta behavior that got you to where you are. Man up! Your exwife who cheated on you and constantly flirted with other men doesn't need to know what clothes are clean or dirty. She can figure it out herself. If your wife's front door is out of sight of the car, then take your kids near the door. As soon as it opens, make sure they are in safe, and then leave. No visual contact, no words, no verbal communication. Just email. Texting is not good either btw. There is an emotional connection with texting. Just do short, businessy emails.

Of course, if you want to stay emotionally attached and available to your ex and continue to linger in limbo, then ignore all that I've typed.


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## Jamie1973 (Jun 12, 2018)

I admit that in the past I did try and nice her back but it didn't work. She had a health scare and I was there for her. She wad greatful but didn't want me back. I don't think I'm looking to get back with her as it's unlikely. If she was interested, she eould have made it clear but she hasn't. Tinder is more fun and the thrill of a new man every few weeks feeds her neurosis. Something I couldn't do. I just need to get her out of my head. I agree that alot of my problem is her appearance. Think Megan Fox and I'm a sucker for it as her looks have not faded. I sometimes wish they would. Via message she comes across as controlling..telling me what I need to do and how to parent the kids. I still pay part of the mortgage as I wanted the kids to live there. I've written it off as an investment as I have my own place now. What gets me is that she sits there pretty saying this is my house, talks to me like crap and invites guys round there. She can't afford to buy me out so if I pulled out, the kids would be worst off. I can't win except just walk in some way or wear a blind fold when I pick up the kids!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Davidmidwest said:


> Women need to be pursued...


and



Davidmidwest said:


> Become a alpha,


….are contradictory. 




Davidmidwest said:


> …...and don't return to this site. It's mighty negative….


Need I say the obvious?


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

You have to keep telling yourself IT IS OVER. You are hanging on to a past life and it will kill you and rob you of your next future. I recommend going to the website MeetUp. It is a place to find people with like interest. It is not a dating site. But I joined a divorced meetup group when I got divorced from my last husband because I didn't know how to be single. I had been married most my life. So I joined the group just to have something to do and meet new people. Time is the only thing that will heal your hurt but everytime you peek through the blinds of your old life, you willl set yourself backwards and it will be harder to get to your new life.

There is probably a much better woman out there for you but you'll never meet her if you keep one foot in your past marriage. She left you. Which means she has moved on with her life. Leave her there! Put a period behind your old life and keep moving foward.  Be the dad you need to be to your children. find the things that make you happy and do them. Discover a whole new world without your ex. There is a whole planet out her. The world cannot revolve only around her. You are giving her way too much power over your life.

Good luck.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Jamie1973 said:


> I admit that in the past I did try and nice her back but it didn't work. She had a health scare and I was there for her. She wad greatful but didn't want me back. I don't think I'm looking to get back with her as it's unlikely. If she was interested, she eould have made it clear but she hasn't. Tinder is more fun and the thrill of a new man every few weeks feeds her neurosis. Something I couldn't do. I just need to get her out of my head. I agree that alot of my problem is her appearance. Think Megan Fox and I'm a sucker for it as her looks have not faded. I sometimes wish they would. Via message she comes across as controlling..telling me what I need to do and how to parent the kids. I still pay part of the mortgage as I wanted the kids to live there. I've written it off as an investment as I have my own place now. What gets me is that she sits there pretty saying this is my house, talks to me like crap and invites guys round there. She can't afford to buy me out so if I pulled out, the kids would be worst off. I can't win except just walk in some way or wear a blind fold when I pick up the kids!


- the looks will fade
- she still is holding all the cards, with telling you what and when to do it, you can break that cycle!
- keep doing what you can for the kids and being the best dad possible but when you have them and let her do her job;
- pickups, you wait in the driveway, dropoffs, same thing and same for her


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Jamie1973 said:


> Hi
> I'm glad I found this forum and hope some of you will be able to help me figure out a way of moving forward free of my ex wife.
> We were married for 15 years and had two kids. Both still young enough to need me to pick them up from their house. It was a rollercoaster marriage and although I was very beta in the marriage, a real mr nice guy but we did argue although I was gaslighted and made to feel guilty. She was very hot. Men couldn't stay away and she loved it. She was faithful for most of our time but did have an affair at some point. *We got over it and carried on for a few years* until she wanted to divorce as the arguing was constant.
> We have remained civil for the kids sake but do not have much to do with each other. I live nearby so I see the kids regularly and sometimes chat with her about the kids briefly. However, she has started dating and although she doesn't know that I've noticed a change in her, it's killing me. I always loved her and thought we may mature over time and get back together although I never persued her, she knows how I feel. Since the dating, I have become jealous and can't stop thinking about her. I have even tried dating myself but nobody has her qualities which prevents me moving on. We have started arguing, mainly my fault because she has become withdrawn since meeting someone. I feel like I'm going mad. I do need to put my feelings aside for my own sake but feel trapped. I can't go NC for long because of the kids.
> Any advice here guys?


No, YOU got over it. She never loved you after that point. That's the problem. You have allowed yourself to keep hoping all this time instead of ACCEPTING the inevitable.
You say you can't find anyone you like. That's because you are comparing everyone to what you felt about her. Stop that crap. There are a LOT of women out there that have just as good or better qualities than your ex wife, and you could love them if you'd just accept she's gone and move on.

What you never realized is that women are unlike men in at least one aspect: Once they fall out of love, they are done. They don't think about their past boyfriends or husbands. It's over. Period. The love is gone. ZERO.
Men aren't like that, from my meager experience. They can't flip the switch like women can. It takes a while.

Choose to move forward. Stop your HOPEY/MOPEY crap and accept she doesn't love you anymore. It's not the end of the world like you feel right now. Put her in the past and work on building a relationship where you ARE loved.
After all, isn't that all you CAN do? You will never be able to get her to love you again. She torched that **** when she cheated. Why you couldn't see that, is your own fault. You should have divorced her and moved on then. She hasn't cared about you in years. So what. THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN TO LOVE!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jamie1973 said:


> Yes she does cast spells on men. Good call! She definitely got me. She uses her vulnerability to lure you in but she's no snowflake.
> The kids are 10 and 6 now. I have become good at drop offs of late. Door opens, bags go onto the doorway, I say hello and tell her which is the clean laundry. She looks at me. Awkward silence, I kiss the girls good bye and I'm down the road. 3 minutes is about right.
> Sometimes I get a text to ask me why I'm such an a$$hole. I just get angry looking at her face. She is usually still dolled up from seeing a guy and it gets to me. I don't say anything though.
> She has always been quite a dark character being a firery latina. But that was half of her charm. She can be very pursasive. I just need to think of a way of breaking her spell for good with out having to leave town.
> I am ok in myself though. I have a good wardrobe, keep myself busy and do what I like. In a way I've become used to my own company and don't really know how a relationship would feel anymore. I see my friends, go on dates, have a good career..it could be worse.



So, when you get a text "why are you such an a$$hole" why don't you text her "why are you such a sl*T? SHE is the one who broke your marriage by cheating. Do YOU REALLY want that? If so WHY? You have an illusion of her, you need to see the REAL her. She may be HOT on the outside, but the inside sure as hell isn't. WHY do you know she is dating? You shouldn't care about anything going on in her life except how it pertains to your children.
To break her spell, when you see her trying to get to you, just imagine her cheating and having sex with someone else -- see her ugly side. That you should help you get past her and start detaching.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

PigglyWiggly said:


> Can't you get part of his SS if married at least 10 years?


 @PigglyWiggly, he divorced me at year 9. We were together a total of 20 years but didn't marry until about 13 years in.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> So, when you get a text "why are you such an a$$hole" why don't you text her "why are you such a sl*T? SHE is the one who broke your marriage by cheating. Do YOU REALLY want that? If so WHY? You have an illusion of her, you need to see the REAL her. She may be HOT on the outside, but the inside sure as hell isn't. WHY do you know she is dating? You shouldn't care about anything going on in her life except how it pertains to your children.
> To break her spell, when you see her trying to get to you, just imagine her cheating and having sex with someone else -- see her ugly side. That you should help you get past her and start detaching.


This is very true. I had an illusion of who my ex was, and I attributed a lot of his insane behavior to his bi polar disorder, the damage a doctor did to his penis, etc. But after the last encounter with him, I realize that he is fully aware of what he is doing and why, and that he avoids dealing with his issues, as much as he hates the situation he is in. It's not about the OW, it is about him and his unwillingness to acknowledge how crazy and selfish and withdrawn he is. He is, though, when I look at him or a picture of him, my Kryptonite. He is still really nice looking and my knees go weak, but while it is a gorgeous house, there's nobody home in there, nobody I remember and nobody I'd want to be with.


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

Jamie

I'm 2 years down the road from this BS, same ol story. 2 kids, she cheated, lied yada yada. I had her on a pedestal. I was a nice guy and as they say nice guys finish last. 

It wasn't until I stepped away and looked down on my situation that I gained perspective. With the support of a few close friends and family I took decisive action and manned up. Filed for D, had estate agents come round the house to begin the marketing process for sale from underneath her. Issued her a warning/deadline via my legal representation that I was going to pull the mortgage if she didn't agree to sell up (she was bringing POS around my house) and regained some dignity.

Do I regret any of my actions ? - No. Not one. Did I show her that she'd vastly underestimated me ? Absolutely. 

I did a lot of things that went against my instincts but over the course of time were the right course of action, on reflection I'm glad I took control of the situation as I did. 

You don't have to be nice, you don't have to be nasty. These are both emotions. What you need to be is nothing. Show nothing to her, be as bland as a rock. You don't need to explain why to her, you owe her nothing. You don't need to engage in dialog with her. Notes in kids bags, notes on the dirty and clean laundry bags. Capeesh ?

You want the cure for breaking the attachment, the hold she has on you. I've been there. It's not straightforward, but you WILL get to that point. You need to stop all verbal comms like people have said, no chit chat on collection or drop off. 

I make her wait across the road as I embrace my children on drop off without so much as a look in her direction. It's as if she is a shadow that I look through and trust me it works great. I've got it down to an email or two a month tops. No emotion, nothing. Just "to the point" about what it is. Imagine it's an email to your boss or a note for the mailman. I will not talk to her unless it's via a recordable format that is saved and documented. 

Trust me brother, this will slowly purge her from your system, and over time you will see her a lot differently than you do now, and if you do this properly it will accelerate your healing x100. It works and the attachment will fade. The problem you have is two fold. 

1. You think you know her. 
But you don't know her at all, what you thought you knew is gone, dead, never existed probably

2. You can fix her 
No you can't, she's a liar and a cheat. She cant be fixed. She lacks character and is no prize when all her character (or lack of) is taken in to account. A life with her is a life looking over your shoulder for the next guy to come along. 

Good times are ahead for you, I can promise that, you will find a better partner with a more meaningful connection. I know it would have been better to keep the family together, I know this. But the enemy was in the ranks plotting against you. Now is your time to do all the things you want to do for yourself and with your children. 

Keep being a good dad to your children and keep them front and centre of your decision making.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

She’s gone...forget her. You don't want her back, she's a cheater, a liar, and a manipulator. It doesn't matter how Hot she is. You need to see through her and recognize all of the ugly inside. Once you do this, you will be emotionally free of her. Trust me, it is quite liberating.

The only way you are going to heal and move on is with No Contact. That means no phone calls, texts, emails and especially seeing her in person...If possible - No. Your best friend now is time and emotional distance. Stop thinking about her! At the very least, in a positive way. The more time that goes by, the more she will fade from your mind. You should have went dark a long time ago. Women like her thrive on attention. She undoubtedly gets off on the fact that she can still keep you in orbit while she’s out riding the carousel. You need to gain some self-respect and move on with your life…with a purpose and goals. Set a good and strong example for your children.

I was where you are a few years ago. It took me years of no contact to get to where I am now….much happier and more content! Yes, my XWW was hot to look at too, actually stunning. The girl that walks into a room and every guy in there wants to bang. As soon as she figured that out, it was over for us. She turned into a skank or that’s who she always was…doesn’t matter. That’s not the type of woman you want to be married to. You need to train your mind to see only the nastiness in her. Don’t be in a hurry to date either. It’s not that important to replace what you had. You need to get yourself emotionally strong and straight first before you go out and make the same mistakes again. 

In the future…Women can’t love a man they don’t respect.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Davidmidwest said:


> Hi,
> pull all out the stops to have her date you. You both liked each other at one time. Slowly tell her what you need and she needs to stop putting you down. See a therapist. Pursue her, don't give up. Women need to be pursued and men need to be appreciated.
> 
> ........




No. Just...no. :slap:


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Jamie1973 said:


> Hi
> I'm glad I found this forum and hope some of you will be able to help me figure out a way of moving forward free of my ex wife.
> We were married for 15 years and had two kids. Both still young enough to need me to pick them up from their house. It was a rollercoaster marriage and although I was very beta in the marriage, a real mr nice guy but we did argue although I was gaslighted and made to feel guilty. She was very hot. Men couldn't stay away and she loved it. She was faithful for most of our time but did have an affair at some point. We got over it and carried on for a few years until she wanted to divorce as the arguing was constant.
> We have remained civil for the kids sake but do not have much to do with each other. I live nearby so I see the kids regularly and sometimes chat with her about the kids briefly. However, she has started dating and although she doesn't know that I've noticed a change in her, it's killing me. I always loved her and thought we may mature over time and get back together although I never persued her, she knows how I feel. Since the dating, I have become jealous and can't stop thinking about her. I have even tried dating myself but nobody has her qualities which prevents me moving on. We have started arguing, mainly my fault because she has become withdrawn since meeting someone. I feel like I'm going mad. I do need to put my feelings aside for my own sake but feel trapped. I can't go NC for long because of the kids.
> Any advice here guys?


I was "over" mine before the divorce even began. The fact that it wasn't working out should have helped you along.

Are you truly beta? A true beta is a leader. He/she (there are male and female alphas and betas) leads quietly, gently guiding people to conclusions that work out for the best. He initiates as often as an alpha. The difference with an alpha is that his/her presence totally fills a room to the point where nobody else can fit unless you're a willing follower. A society of all alphas always falls apart. We need betas. 

What is called the "nice guy" syndrome is actually a collection of personality disorders. They do nice things for people - for the purpose of gaining favor. They're not REALLY nice, they just do it hoping that people will like them. They are not direct about what they want, but hint around.

There's a lot to discuss, and I would recommend an individual counselor...you've probably worked hard at becoming the way you are, and it will take some time to unravel, and along the way, you're going to be faced with existential questions like "who am I?".

Good luck.

DD


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

She likes the attention from you and other men.
Have contact with her only about the kids .
As long as you chase after her like a trained 
puppy she will continue to play you. Sorry to be
blunt but stop being nice guy and getting run over. 
Show her you could care less about her.

I wonder how hard it could be to find someone 
with better qualities than her. What qualities ?
Oh she is hot !! Looks fade in time, hers will.
Then what ? If you ignore her and move on 
she will probably wonder why and try and 
con you back into her life. Don't go !!!

Provide money for your kids only. If 
she wants more NO! NO! let the other guys 
support her not you.

You can and will find someone way better


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

sa58 said:


> She likes the attention from you and other men.
> Have contact with her only about the kids .
> As long as you chase after her like a trained
> puppy she will continue to play you. Sorry to be
> ...


There's solid advise in this post, for you or any poor sap going through unnecessary pain.

I would print out the post and read it every morning, or when you receive text from your Exw.

Good luck

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

*Re: Lettinqg go after divorce*



Jamie1973 said:


> I admit that in the past I did try and nice her back but it didn't work. She had a health scare and I was there for her. She wad greatful but didn't want me back. I don't think I'm looking to get back with her as it's unlikely. If she was interested, she eould have made it clear but she hasn't. Tinder is more fun and the thrill of a new man every few weeks feeds her neurosis. Something I couldn't do. I just need to get her out of my head. I agree that alot of my problem is her appearance. Think Megan Fox and I'm a sucker for it as her looks have not faded. I sometimes wish they would. Via message she comes across as controlling..telling me what I need to do and how to parent the kids. I still pay part of the mortgage as I wanted the kids to live there. I've written it off as an investment as I have my own place now. What gets me is that she sits there pretty saying this is my house, talks to me like crap and invites guys round there. She can't afford to buy me out so if I pulled out, the kids would be worst off. I can't win except just walk in some way or wear a blind fold when I pick up the kids!


If your divorce decree doesn't require you to pay the mortgage quit doing so. Your lying to yourself about hurting the kids if you dont. It's her house let her figure out how to keep it, if she complain's tell her to get her boyfriend to step up to the plate and take care of her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Davidmidwest said:


> Hi,
> pull all out the stops to have her date you. You both liked each other at one time. Slowly tell her what you need and she needs to stop putting you down. See a therapist. Pursue her, don't give up. Women need to be pursued and men need to be appreciated.
> Gottman and Dr. Laura have good marriage books. Read them, or get the audio book CDs to listen too.
> 
> ...


Doormattish behavior just gets you walked on. Weak ass men are a dime a dozen and tossed aside routinely


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## Jamie1973 (Jun 12, 2018)

I'll just make it clear that I am not beta anymore. I am NOT moping around like a poor sap. And I am not bending over and grovelling to get her back. The issue is and why I came on this forum was to GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD.
I don't want to go back to a life of suffering. I do miss her and my kids and my house but it's all gone. She doesn't care less. The house she can keep it. I don't want to get involved in any crap over selling it. The kids live there and that's what's important to me. Sure..some dork going round there for a bit of fun gets to me but if I could get her out of my skull it wouldn't be a problem as long as the girls are safe and not exposed to her bullcrap. 

We share alot of good memories. I don't deal with nostalgia very well. I am in Italy right now near where I proposed. I've been getting angry when I pass the place. My family live here so I can't avoid the town and won't. She is lonely and miserable. Tired all the time with no direction in life. She moans about it sometimes. I walk away. She could have had it all..unbelievable that she can't either see it or admit that she screwed up.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Jamie1973 said:


> Whoever he is..he is getting her at her most charming and attractive. It probably won't last long as she doesn't want a relationship as she knows I may cut the purse strings and not help her out in any way. The sex with her was always amazing which is another reason I'm in this rut.


Go and read no more Mr Nice Guy.

SO essentially you're saying you're p*ssy whipped?

I take it you probably haven't had sex with anyone else because you're still pining over the lady who kicked you in the nuts then drove over them with a truck?

She still casts a spell on you but she openly dates dudes, flirted with them while you were married and probably disrespected the hell out of you but it was ok because she threw you that good loving she's now giving to someone else.

No one is saying you are beta. But everyone is saying it makes no sense to put a chick on a pedestal after she breaks your heart and destroys your family.

You will only move on once she makes it abundantly clear there will never be any chance for you, if that means throwing the guy she's dating in your face she will do it.

She's moving on and you're not.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hard no contact and time is all you can do. There is no magic. It is that simple


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

Read up its short


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Davidmidwest said:


> Hi,
> pull all out the stops to have her date you. You both liked each other at one time. Slowly tell her what you need and she needs to stop putting you down. See a therapist. Pursue her, don't give up. Women need to be pursued and men need to be appreciated.
> Gottman and Dr. Laura have good marriage books. Read them, or get the audio book CDs to listen too.
> 
> ...


Worst advice I have ever heard......She will continue to play you for a fool!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Davidmidwest said:


> Hi,
> pull all out the stops to have her date you. You both liked each other at one time. Slowly tell her what you need and she needs to stop putting you down. See a therapist. Pursue her, don't give up. Women need to be pursued and men need to be appreciated.
> Gottman and Dr. Laura have good marriage books. Read them, or get the audio book CDs to listen too.
> 
> ...


I'm really beginning to feel I've stuck my head into a *Floor-mats Anonymous Meeting.*

In between this absolutely horrible 'advice' for the OP to become even *MORE* of a floor-mat than he's already been, right down to the OP himself pounding his chest and proclaiming he's no longer a floor-mat - yet he's STILL supporting that soul-sucking she-Devil who wouldn't pee on him if he were on fire.

OP, if I were you, I'd march right up to her door and demand your testicles back. And I'd get an EXTRA pair to give to any guy in this thread who actually thinks it's a good idea to encourage any MORE of your floor mat behavior. Ugh.

Unreal.


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