# Unexpected separation



## Jb1974 (Jul 2, 2017)

So my wife after 5 years of marriage (11 years together). Asked for space she said she needed to find her self and be alone. We are a great team work together and have many of the same hobbies we are rarely ever apart. We argue and I tend to over react (only over little this and apologize 5 min later ) so during this two week seperation I went to a therapist and started some meds read books and feel much better and ready and starting to be the husband I should be. She still says she needs time that she does not have the feelings she once had for me she feels empty ( she has had some losses in her family this year) . She goes on to say she never thought she would be married as a kid she loves to be alone more than anything. It seems like she has just given up when I'm trying so hard. I have tried to get out of her if she wants a divorce and all she can tell me is she does not know if the feelings will come back. She says she does not want me to leave the job we work at together and she always wants me in her life as a friend (to the extent of moving to Another country to start up another non profit in retirement). She says she still wants me a part of it. She says she feels like she was born to be alone. We have not argued since the first separation. She moved into our RV today (I'm living in her house). And told her I was going to go diving on Tuesday and she wants to come. 

Is there any chance of her loving me again ? I'm so shocked and confused !


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

When she has expressed to you the things that make her unhappy in your relationship over the past decade, what are those things? Is there a recurring set of issues she brings up? If there is (and their usually is) how do you tell her you will work on those things? Do you then make an attempt, only to go back to doing it all again?


----------



## Jb1974 (Jul 2, 2017)

Yes same stupid thing I do over and over. we argue over stupid things and I over react and walk away/. Or say never mind we just won't do whatever we were going to do. 3-5 min later I'm apologizing and trying to make up for it but that one incident ruins the day . Also that I'm not as encouraging/ supportive as I once was. She has lost some people very close to her in the last 6 months and has seemed distant. I messed up and told her that never thought it was this serious . As soon as she said time apart I went to seek help/ started meds and reading marriage books / exercising and feel great and really ready to turn my marriage around but I think it maybe to late. She does not want to go to therapy or anything but will not say she wants a divorce


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Jb1974 said:


> Yes same stupid thing I do over and over. we argue over stupid things and I over react and walk away/. Or say never mind we just won't do whatever we were going to do. 3-5 min later I'm apologizing and trying to make up for it but that one incident ruins the day . Also that I'm not as encouraging/ supportive as I once was. She has lost some people very close to her in the last 6 months and has seemed distant. I messed up and told her that never thought it was this serious . As soon as she said time apart I went to seek help/ started meds and reading marriage books / exercising and feel great and really ready to turn my marriage around but I think it maybe to late. She does not want to go to therapy or anything but will not say she wants a divorce


Are you and she on the same phone plan?


----------



## Jb1974 (Jul 2, 2017)

No why?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to check her phone bill


----------



## Jb1974 (Jul 2, 2017)

She is not like that she swears there is no one else. She has no reason to lie we do not have kids, she owns our house prior to our relationship. We signed prenups so what is ours is ours and we split anything we have together in the marriage (which is not much. If she met someone she could just leave/ tell me to leave. 

She has always been antisocial our whole relationship and has lived by herself since she was 13 y/o. So it's not a stretch that she wants alone time.

At first she wanted to live together but kind of be on seperation . We learned quickly that this will not work.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You might find this helpful:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...ghMMAU&usg=AFQjCNHgsxkz_SbGVSNpGAaWprTUskvqVw


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Before the separation did you discuss boundaries? Will each have the option of dating? What type

of communication will be accepted? In addition to the phone, check debit / CC receipts, strange

withdrawals, GPS to track / verify movement? Are you and her transparent about your daily

activities?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jb1974 said:


> She is not like that she swears there is no one else. She has no reason to lie we do not have kids, she owns our house prior to our relationship. We signed prenups so what is ours is ours and we split anything we have together in the marriage (which is not much. If she met someone she could just leave/ tell me to leave.
> 
> She has always been antisocial our whole relationship and has lived by herself since she was 13 y/o. So it's not a stretch that she wants alone time.
> 
> At first she wanted to live together but kind of be on seperation . We learned quickly that this will not work.


How was she able to live in her own at 13?


----------



## Jb1974 (Jul 2, 2017)

We are Open to each other there has Ben no talk about see other people , we have all seperate accounts. 
Her mom got a new boyfriend and guess he did not want to live with her so her mom got her a trailer and she stayed in there on the same property. Her mom was not the best at that time and she raised herself. Her grandfather raised her most of her life and he recently passed


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's cheating.


----------



## Warrior73 (Jun 25, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> You might find this helpful:
> 
> https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...ghMMAU&usg=AFQjCNHgsxkz_SbGVSNpGAaWprTUskvqVw


 "Usually, the simple reason that women leave is because they want to have a better life and they believe that the only way to do that is without you."

So basically, she is a self-absorbed, entitled a-hole who should never have taken vows that she had no intention of keeping...sound about right?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jb1974 said:


> She is not like that she swears there is no one else. She has no reason to lie we do not have kids, she owns our house prior to our relationship. We signed prenups so what is ours is ours and we split anything we have together in the marriage (which is not much. If she met someone she could just leave/ tell me to leave.
> 
> She has always been antisocial our whole relationship and has lived by herself since she was 13 y/o. So it's not a stretch that she wants alone time.
> 
> At first she wanted to live together but kind of be on seperation . We learned quickly that this will not work.


Famous last words. Seen this more than I care to count.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Warrior73 said:


> "Usually, the simple reason that women leave is because they want to have a better life and they believe that the only way to do that is without you."
> 
> So basically, she is a self-absorbed, entitled a-hole who should never have taken vows that she had no intention of keeping...sound about right?


Well if that's what you got out of that article I suspect it's you that's self absorbed..... you're worried about the vow to stay married but all others can be conveniently forgotten while you do you.

How's that attitude is working for your marriage?

Hopefully OP is more open minded.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Too much togetherness. Get another job.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

She wants out? I would give her her freedom so fast it would make her head spin. I would then totally cut her out of my life. You can't leave me then pretend to be all buddy buddy like there's nothing wrong. You need to wrap your head around this and act or she will forever maintain power over you. Reclaim your power.


----------



## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

Warrior73 said:


> "Usually, the simple reason that women leave is because they want to have a better life and they believe that the only way to do that is without you."
> 
> So basically, she is a self-absorbed, entitled a-hole who should never have taken vows that she had no intention of keeping...sound about right?


OR, she is trying to get herself out of a difficult, unhappy situation and trying to live her truth. 

People change, life changes. How is one to know what they will evolve into over the years and as such, how can they be expected to choose their 'life partner' at any stage of their life, really? For some it works, but not for everyone. Usually, when a wife reaches this point, she is no longer giving to her husband what he needs or deserves anyways so how could he truly be happy to continue in this relationship? Why would he want to?

Isn't it best for both that when either spouse reaches this stage, to set Each other free? Would the husband prefer that she just live a lie, slowly dying inside? Do we (male or female) deserve to be punished because what we decided years ago is no longer filling our soul? We (humans) can't control our feelings this way.


----------



## Warrior73 (Jun 25, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well if that's what you got out of that article I suspect it's you that's self absorbed..... you're worried about the vow to stay married but all others can be conveniently forgotten while you do you.
> 
> How's that attitude is working for your marriage?
> 
> Hopefully OP is more open minded.


Look at the quote...why get married if you want a "better life"? The article basically states that the husband is not a causing factor. It basically states that a wife leaves at her own whims, not because of anything a husband does or does not do. Yes, people can make mistakes and marry someone they shouldn't, but that's not what the article is saying. To marry someone with the intent of staying with them for life and then 5 or 10 yrs later decide, I'm out, for no real apparent reason, is selfish and I have to question why even get married in the first place. To try everything to to work things out and it isn't working is one thing. But, people today have unreal expectations and have no clear understanding of the fact that marriage isn't rainbows and sunshine all the time.


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Warrior73 said:


> Look at the quote...why get married if you want a "better life"? The article basically states that the husband is not a causing factor. It basically states that a wife leaves at her own whims, not because of anything a husband does or does not do. Yes, people can make mistakes and marry someone they shouldn't, but that's not what the article is saying. To marry someone with the intent of staying with them for life and then 5 or 10 yrs later decide, I'm out, for no real apparent reason, is selfish and I have to question why even get married in the first place. To try everything to to work things out and it isn't working is one thing. But, people today have unreal expectations and have no clear understanding of the fact that marriage isn't rainbows and sunshine all the time.


it is never selfish to leave an unhappy marriage, friendship or relationship that makes your miserable. What is not healthy is to stay in a relationship that is toxic, unhappy, or doesn't make you a better person. Nobody marries someone with the intention leaving them down the road. We all drink the cool-aid, we all believe in love ever-lasting, if we didn't we wouldn't get married at all. Marriage should never be a death sentence. When you accept a job, you don't take it with the intention of quitting, yet you do. Who gets to make the value judgement on what it means to marry someone "you shouldn't?". Marriages don't fall apart for "no apparent reason" it might not be apparent to one person, but there is a reason, apparent or not. It takes two people to make a marriage and it takes 2 people to break a marriage. there are no innocent bystanders. If both people don't water that garden it dies. Both are equally responsible. Marriage isn't rainbows and sunshine all the time, but there should be some rainbows and some sunshine some of the time.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Keenwa said:


> it is never selfish to leave an unhappy marriage, friendship or relationship that makes your miserable. What is not healthy is to stay in a relationship that is toxic, unhappy, or doesn't make you a better person. Nobody marries someone with the intention leaving them down the road. We all drink the cool-aid, we all believe in love ever-lasting, if we didn't we wouldn't get married at all. Marriage should never be a death sentence. When you accept a job, you don't take it with the intention of quitting, yet you do. Who gets to make the value judgement on what it means to marry someone "you shouldn't?". Marriages don't fall apart for "no apparent reason" it might not be apparent to one person, but there is a reason, apparent or not. It takes two people to make a marriage and it takes 2 people to break a marriage. there are no innocent bystanders. If both people don't water that garden it dies. Both are equally responsible. Marriage isn't rainbows and sunshine all the time, but there should be some rainbows and some sunshine some of the time.


I disagree, I know many marriages where one was completely committed and the other wanted out. It happened to my husband in his first marriage and twice to my brother. Yes, there are innocent bystanders.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds way too much like clinical depression to me!*


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Keenwa said:


> it is never selfish to leave an unhappy marriage, friendship or relationship that makes your miserable. What is not healthy is to stay in a relationship that is toxic, unhappy, or doesn't make you a better person. Nobody marries someone with the intention leaving them down the road. We all drink the cool-aid, we all believe in love ever-lasting, if we didn't we wouldn't get married at all. Marriage should never be a death sentence. When you accept a job, you don't take it with the intention of quitting, yet you do. Who gets to make the value judgement on what it means to marry someone "you shouldn't?". Marriages don't fall apart for "no apparent reason" it might not be apparent to one person, but there is a reason, apparent or not. It takes two people to make a marriage and it takes 2 people to break a marriage. there are no innocent bystanders. If both people don't water that garden it dies. Both are equally responsible. Marriage isn't rainbows and sunshine all the time, but there should be some rainbows and some sunshine some of the time.


Anyone who is really unhappy and at a "dead end" or whatever will not "solve" that issue by changing partners.

What is likely is that this person will find him/herself in a new relationship with the same issues. Only, THIS time, there is much less of a reservoir of good will on the part of the new partner to work things out.

So, my advice is always to change the dynamic of the relationship before checking out. You may be surprised how much of this is on you.


----------



## ScottishKin (Jun 4, 2017)

Indeed.

For every happily ever after second marriage after the first flunked out (too young, too different, abuse etc) there's healthy stats out there going against second marriages going the distance, and I believe they tend to be shorter on average. Sometimes people up leave unwilling or unable to own their crap and just fling it onto the lap of the next bozo.

Said bozo will unlikely have the stocks and share invested to put up with the crap the first spouse did.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you really want to get her back, then focus on being the type of man that any woman would want to be with. Be independent, successful, get in shape, have a purpose to your life, etc. If that doesn't perk her interest in you again then you at least have upped your game significantly for when you decide to find a replacement for her.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Spicy said:


> When she has expressed to you the things that make her unhappy in your relationship over the past decade, what are those things? Is there a recurring set of issues she brings up? If there is (and their usually is) how do you tell her you will work on those things? Do you then make an attempt, only to go back to doing it all again?


^^^ These were along my thoughts too. The only thing that I may add to that is this: when she's expressed unhappiness in the past, did you actively hear her, or did her concerns kind of get swept under the rug? Did you take her seriously? This is what happened to me: he didn't actively hear me or take me seriously, and we're now separated, and probably heading for divorce soon. And like you, it was completely unexpected when I asked for a separation.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I think you need to look into her childhood and FOO issues.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

onefootouthedoor said:


> OR, she is trying to get herself out of a difficult, unhappy situation and trying to live her truth.
> 
> People change, life changes. How is one to know what they will evolve into over the years and as such, how can they be expected to choose their 'life partner' at any stage of their life, really? For some it works, but not for everyone. Usually, when a wife reaches this point, she is no longer giving to her husband what he needs or deserves anyways so how could he truly be happy to continue in this relationship? Why would he want to?
> 
> Isn't it best for both that when either spouse reaches this stage, to set Each other free? Would the husband prefer that she just live a lie, slowly dying inside? Do we (male or female) deserve to be punished because what we decided years ago is no longer filling our soul? We (humans) can't control our feelings this way.


Thank-you; I was trying to find a way to say this, but you did a much better job than I ever could have!


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> Anyone who is really unhappy and at a "dead end" or whatever will not "solve" that issue by changing partners.
> 
> What is likely is that this person will find him/herself in a new relationship with the same issues. Only, THIS time, there is much less of a reservoir of good will on the part of the new partner to work things out.
> 
> So, my advice is always to change the dynamic of the relationship before checking out. You may be surprised how much of this is on you.


Not necessarily true, it is true that a relationship that has become toxic for whatever reason can simply be that, toxic. It is completely true that if you look long and hard in the mirror you will see that it's never one person's fault which was my point initially anyhow. It takes 2 people to break a marriage, there are no innocent bystanders. So yes unless you look in the mirror at your junk you'll just leave and start the same relationship over again. But I wasn't talking about that. When one person has checked out of the relationship, consciously or not, it's ok for the other person to physically leave.


----------



## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

I think you need to find out the truth. How? VAR her. That's what's really got me to find out what my ex-wife was up to. You will never hear the truth from her lips with you around. You VAR her car and anywhere else she goes (camper, etc.) when you are not around. Only do this if you want to know the truth. Trust when I say, it hurts like getting kicked in the head a dozen times. However, you cannot attempt to fix the issues unless you actually know what's going on in her head. Chances are, she's just not happy enough. It's a new phenomenon. Some women want to be happy 100% of the time 365/24/7.

Once you know what's going on in her head, you can then start to work on the issues. Then again, it may not fix the hamster in her head.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

MarriageInJeopardy said:


> I think you need to find out the truth. How? VAR her. That's what's really got me to find out what my ex-wife was up to. You will never hear the truth from her lips with you around. You VAR her car and anywhere else she goes (camper, etc.) when you are not around. Only do this if you want to know the truth. Trust when I say, it hurts like getting kicked in the head a dozen times. However, you cannot attempt to fix the issues unless you actually know what's going on in her head. Chances are, she's just not happy enough. It's a new phenomenon. Some women want to be happy 100% of the time 365/24/7.
> 
> Once you know what's going on in her head, you can then start to work on the issues. Then again, it may not fix the hamster in her head.


You are only responsible for your own happiness. You are NOT responsible for your spouse's.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

call her tonight and say hey I'm not waiting around for you to find yourself. not interested in a lost soul. I thought we had something special with all the normal problems that most marriages have if thats not working for you then ...well we should part ways. 

so how do you want to divide things up? I'll go see a lawyer do you have one yet ? Lets get this train rolling I have the rest of my life ahead of me and I'd like to start living it.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> call her tonight and say hey I'm not waiting around for you to find yourself. not interested in a lost soul. I thought we had something special with all the normal problems that most marriages have if thats not working for you then ...well we should part ways.
> 
> so how do you want to divide things up? I'll go see a lawyer do you have one yet ? Lets get this train rolling I have the rest of my life ahead of me and I'd like to start living it.


This should be the take everyone has with a walk away spouse. After checking to see if they are cheating.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

sokillme said:


> This should be the take everyone has with a walk away spouse. After checking to see if they are cheating.


I don't think you even have to check if their cheating. They communicated that they need space/time/or whatever bull excuse to get away. have some self respect and say no thanks I am not waiting for your crazy ass. 

if they want to fine themselves with a some therapy then thats different. But just up and leaving with the I'm not sure what I want I need space to figure it out. NO THANKS!!!!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP is living in HER house (pre-nup) and she moved into the RV. He hasn't been back so maybe he likes living alone in HER house. Some couples can be together 24/7 and get along. Most couples want some separate time to recharge and energize. Being around someone 24/7 who routinely gets hot under the collar and then 5 minutes later is over it gets old. Sorry doesn't cut it after a while.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> I don't think you even have to check if their cheating. They communicated that they need space/time/or whatever bull excuse to get away. have some self respect and say no thanks I am not waiting for your crazy ass.
> 
> if they want to fine themselves with a some therapy then thats different. But just up and leaving with the I'm not sure what I want I need space to figure it out. NO THANKS!!!!


Well say they change their mind if you call their bluff, then you still have to know if they are cheating or not, because most of the time these actions are preceded by cheating. I am with you though in general, once your spouse moves out, no thanks.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Well say they change their mind if you call their bluff, then you still have to know if they are cheating or not, because most of the time these actions are preceded by cheating. I am with you though in general, once your spouse moves out, no thanks.


well there is that. thats when you turn the tables and say yea I really don't want you back!


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

chillymorn69 said:


> call her tonight and say hey I'm not waiting around for you to find yourself. not interested in a lost soul. I thought we had something special with all the normal problems that most marriages have if thats not working for you then ...well we should part ways.
> 
> so how do you want to divide things up? I'll go see a lawyer do you have one yet ? Lets get this train rolling I have the rest of my life ahead of me and I'd like to start living it.


Talk less - do more.

Just do what you have to do. Absolutely no reason to tell her anything.


----------

