# Space = Separation... so I separated



## Texasdude (Jun 2, 2018)

Howdy,

Wife of 17 years came home a two weeks ago and told me she loved me but was not in love with me, and it might be too late, even though she knows I am trying. She kept saying she wanted space but I did not know what that meant and she could not define it. (i moved out this week)

She had a total hysterectomy in Feb. I had fallen off a roof and broke my arm in october (had shoulder replacement on May 2, and it took away a lot of pain i had for years before the accident). Lost our house in October 2017. Lost my job May 2016. Unemployed/underemployed between the time i lost my job and lost the house.

I know i have had communication issues since we got married, but she is not the type to nag, so I never worked on them.

I know she is emotionally involved with a new co-worker who is having issues also. Tried to get them to stop, and told his wife. So not real sure what is going on between those two.

According to my counselor, she appears to still be interested in the other man. She has not decided if she will still do marriage counseling with me with him or someone else. She is praying on it. I want to go to counseling but not sure she does. She claims to have her own counselor but again, not sure.

We both wracked up some debt, and i know that is high on her list of stressors, so I am looking at ways to reduce debt, and part time jobs.

So here I am, giving her space. Trying not to call or text unless it is absolutely necessary. Going to work on myself in the meantime, but I sure am lonely... i know she is going through a lot emotionally and I can't help her. 

I dont want the old relationship with her... I want a new one, if one can be had. But in giving her space... I'm not sure of anything.

I dont expect any replies to this... I think I am just trying to keep some of the things I've managed to get out of my head the past few days from coming back in. I know I will be ok eventually. Just really sad and alone right now.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Texasdude said:


> Howdy,
> 
> *Wife of 17 years came home a two weeks ago and told me she loved me but was not in love with me, and it might be too late, even though she knows I am trying. She kept saying she wanted space but I did not know what that meant and she could not define it. (i moved out this week)*
> 
> ...


180 Clear and present detachment

No begging no pick me dance

Separate your finances

See a Lawyer

55


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She has a new man, and it is not you. 

Just move on. File for divorce, you have known about the cheating for a while now. 

And please don't be stupid enough to believe that they are not sleeping together, OK, because they have been for a while. 

I have seen your username somewhere, so this had been happening for a while. 

Like you said, you need to work on yourself. You need to get healthy, whatever it takes, and get a job. 

She is gone so don't beg, just move on...


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## Texasdude (Jun 2, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> She has a new man, and it is not you.
> 
> Just move on. File for divorce, you have known about the cheating for a while now.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the info - but i've never used this name before. just seemed like something to use.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Texasdude said:


> I appreciate the info - but i've never used this name before. just seemed like something to use.


Sorry then, but the basic post stands. You get that right?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Texasdude said:


> told me she loved me but was not in love with me


There it is.... the one we hear over and over and over again.....the adulterer's mantra.....

I'm sure you know where this is headed. We do, too. Forget about marital counseling. Don't waste your time or your money.
Your wife is gone.

The only thing "space" is going to do is allow her more time, and easier access to, her affair partner.

I take it, there's no house to lose, probably not a lot of assets to fight about. Don't know if you have kids.
However, if you stay out of the marital home for an extended period, it gives her the divorce ground of abandonment in many places.

Get an attorney.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Texasdude said:


> Howdy,
> 
> Wife of 17 years came home a two weeks ago and told me she loved me but was not in love with me, and it might be too late, even though she knows I am trying. She kept saying she wanted space but I did not know what that meant and she could not define it. (i moved out this week)
> 
> ...


Her request for space is just to get you out of the way why she explores/pursues the other man. Separations rarely work and generally the only thing that happens is one explores a new world of single life and one spouse sits and waits. Separations can work depending on the circumstances but not when a possible 3rd party is involved. 

She's buying time with the separation request and your trying to buy time giving it to her. Both make the situation worse, the longer this goes on the less likely the marriage can be saved. Given her interest in om you should bypass the separation and move to divorce. Divorce takes forever to get finalized and until she truly feels she is losing something she won't work on the marriage, even then she may not. 

Marriage counseling won't do any good if she isn't invested in doing it and right now if she's got om in the picture in her head anything you do he can do better. Your also essentially letting her dictate your life right now while you sit and wait and thus is never the position to be in. You need to start taking control of your life back.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Not at a computer for a lengthy response but my first and most important thought ... Is if you have kids, please get your behind back in that house and then see a lawyer and get your plans together.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

So you're basically living on hopium while she tries out another guy?

We've all seen where these go.

Down the toilet real quick


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## BeenHereB4 (Jul 21, 2014)

Poor communication - When you say that, are you quoting her? I've been beat down with that for years - and I communicate quite well in my profession. So what is it? It's an excuse for their poor communication skills. Don't buy that crap - unless you really do - and it didn't come from her. 

For them to say it and you believe if - well - is your name Door (and last name Mat?)


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

When the going got tough, she got going. She quit and broke life's promise with betrayal. Her adultery brings shame upon her. Tell her this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Texasdude said:


> Howdy,
> 
> Wife of 17 years came home a two weeks ago and told me she loved me but was not in love with me, and it might be too late, even though she knows I am trying. She kept saying she wanted space but I did not know what that meant and she could not define it. (i moved out this week)
> 
> ...


“I love you but I’m not in love you” + “I need space” + “interest” (LOL) in co-worker = she’s ****ing the co-worker


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Texasdude ...... this script always plays out the same. I know you believe "but our situation is different". Trust me...it's not. It's just like every other case like yours that comes
through here. Just like all the other guys, you will have a brain fog that prevents you from seeing the truth that is so directly already in front of your face but you will refuse to believe it.
Bite the bullet ..... cut your loss..... your only in for a bunch of pain on this road ...... pain the size of Texas. Don't do that to yourself.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Semi zombie thread. A zombie fetus? No word from the OP in over 3 months.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> Semi zombie thread. A zombie fetus? No word from the OP in over 3 months.



Dang it !!! I'm usually good at catching myself on that!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> Semi zombie thread. A zombie fetus? No word from the OP in over 3 months.


Oh, my....

I so wanted to comment, to add, to cement on some emoting, sensible mutterings.

Maybe, the renewed interests and postings will shake him loose from his low-felt moorings.
Maybe, he will break free and sail on TAM's oft-not comforting 2" x 4" x 4' laden waters. 

He this, here, once again.

The Typist I-


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## sparklebug (Feb 16, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> "
> 
> Although, I wonder if your wife is having an extreme hormonal reaction to having a total hysterectomy? Is she on HRT? How did this loss of her physical femininity affect her emotionally? I would imagine it could be pretty intense. Not excusing her having an affair though. You don't know that she's having a physical affair for sure, right?
> 
> ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Rest assured that your dear wife was already fastidiously cheating on you whenever the ILYBINILWY was issued!

"180 her," lawyer up, and don't even give her the time of day!

Welcome to the TAM Family! We'll try to help you cope but rest assured of one thing: You deserve far better out of life! *


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