# why can't my WW see the consequences?



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I'm continuing to grow frustrated with my WW because she can't see the consequences of any of her actions, lets put the marriage consequences to the side for now. Me and wife are separated just to let you know before i rant. She has a job that cut everyones hours to basically nothing because of business being slow, yet instead of looking for something else she is sitting there and not making any money. She just totally disconnected from reality that bills need to be paid or bad things will happen. The house we once lived in together has since fell behind because she wasn't bringing in income for us to pay it together (neither of us can afford it on our own). The finance company calls me every day asking if we gonna pay or sign it over to them, i said i would love to pay it but i can't afford so i agreed to sign it over to them. They try calling her ever other day and she doesn't answer, but when i talk to her about it she lies. When i contact my wife she continues to lie, saying she has talked to them and worked everything out, but when i call to see if that is true they say she didn't work anything out and would get the payment to them ASAP. She keeps putting off the inevitable and its aggravating me. She can't come up with the payments but she doesn't want to answer me about her agreeing to sign the house over to the finance company. 

I guess this all has to do with fog but she just doesn't see reality. She isn't paying any of her bills and is spending on new clothes and other non necessities. She needs to wake up now and do something not keep putting off. Just don't know what to do anymore. The signing over of the house would be better for us than them just coming and closing it up with all her stuff in it and foreclosing.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

tigercat said:


> I'm continuing to grow frustrated with my WW because she can't see the consequences of any of her actions, lets put the marriage consequences to the side for now. Me and wife are separated just to let you know before i rant. She has a job that cut everyones hours to basically nothing because of business being slow, yet instead of looking for something else she is sitting there and not making any money. She just totally disconnected from reality that bills need to be paid or bad things will happen. The house we once lived in together has since fell behind because she wasn't bringing in income for us to pay it together (neither of us can afford it on our own). The finance company calls me every day asking if we gonna pay or sign it over to them, i said i would love to pay it but i can't afford so i agreed to sign it over to them. They try calling her ever other day and she doesn't answer, but when i talk to her about it she lies. When i contact my wife she continues to lie, saying she has talked to them and worked everything out, but when i call to see if that is true they say she didn't work anything out and would get the payment to them ASAP. She keeps putting off the inevitable and its aggravating me. She can't come up with the payments but she doesn't want to answer me about her agreeing to sign the house over to the finance company.
> 
> I guess this all has to do with fog but she just doesn't see reality. She isn't paying any of her bills and is spending on new clothes and other non necessities. She needs to wake up now and do something not keep putting off. Just don't know what to do anymore. The signing over of the house would be better for us than them just coming and closing it up with all her stuff in it and foreclosing.


Foreclosure is a long drawn out process. In some places it can take up to 2 years from the last payment made before they frocably remove you. The bank wants her to sign so it doesn't get bogged down in a leagal system so overloaded with foreclosures that it takes forever. Then in most states they need to give 30-90 days notice before you are out after the process is over. Now the other bills, well the gas and lights will be shut off long before that point which will probibly be about the time that she pulls her head out of her ass. Are the utilities in your name? If they are then you can have them shut off and speed up the process.
The really ****ty part about this is the fact that you are on the hook just as much as she is for everything. The differnce being is that only one of you cares. I am sorry this is happening to you.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Yea sucks because she is dragging me down with her damn selfishness. The lights are under her name, but water is under mine, guess i could get it shut off if i wanted to be an azz. I'd hate to do that but i guess is shouldn't really care because she don't. She wanted the house, said it was a good step for us to own our own house, 3 months after getting it, she decides she just isn't in love with me anymore.  I always had really good credit, haha i guess that is a thing of the past because she destroyed that by having her head up her azz.


----------



## DesperateHouseWife (Oct 24, 2011)

Any kids involve? If not, 2 people don't really need a house it's only two ppl that's my opinion. Take what's yours,and let them stay with the house because neither of you can offord to pay for the house in the first place. IDK where you live but get assistant in order to move in a apartment where you don't have to pay water bills,and anything house wise. Now don't look for a HIGH CLASS place,because it's the same as a house it's expensive. I'm sure you wille find. Save whatever little money you can,and find the nearest welfare office,and seek for assistant. I know about all this because I know alot of ppl. I may self don't get food stamps or welfare,but god forbid if I needed it I would.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If you are in the US, note that there are problems with mortgages, titles on a lot of properties.

For example,
Massachusetts Supreme Court Strips Foreclosure Buyer Of Property - Forbes

google foreclosure MERS title


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

well since separation , i have moved home with my mom (im 27). I have been working on catching up with my bills, only a few left to pay off then ill just have the truck note and insurance and cellphone left to pay. She is stuck with the house because she screwed up our finances then chose to not be with me. Reality will sink in for her when she loses the place and has to find somewhere to go, she has no where to go and a bad job. I tried doing everything i could for her but it wasn't enough. She tries to blame me for having a "boys job" but the truth is it was her mismanaging of the finances and wanting a house at the brink of our budget. I just don't know anymore, the ball is in her court now.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tigercat if you`re not going to move back into your own house then for gods sake at least stop paying the damn bills.

She will never face reality if you keep sheltering her from it.

Have the water shut off, stop paying the mortgage, start covering your ass.

Now that I`ve said that I will tell you that if you want to attempt to salvage your marriage move back into your house and pay down the mortgage as best you can.

Here`s the deal.

You being out of the house and essentially out of her life allows her to continue and deepen the affair you think she`s in.
This makes it easy for her to continue to ignore reality because you have enabled her to do so.

Moving back in and confronting her with all these bills and problems will force her to at least acknowledge reality for a time every single day.
It will also put a crimp in the affair you "think" she`s having because you will be squarely obstructing it.
Add to that the fact that living with her will give you the opportunity to find the actual objective evidence needed to confront her about her affair.
Confronting her about her affair with undeniable evdence in hand is the biggest fantasy buster of all and one way or the other will immediately bring her back to reality.

Dude you have done nothing in the entire time you`ve been here to deal with this.
You are going to lose her, lose your house, and everything you`ve ever wanted or worked for without so much as a fight.

Get off your ass man!


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Your W seems to be in a serious state of denial. Whether her A started all this or it was just a part of her symptom, I don't know. Since she is willing to sit on fence till her bottom falls out, this is how it's going to be for many months to come, maybe? It's your decision, but if I were you, I would meet up with her to have some serious talks about her A and financing. If she refuses to wake up and live in the real world, maybe you should start D process then? 

Sorry I don't have a good advice.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Lol, Tacoma should have know my financial issues would lure you in. I haven't paid any bills regarding the house since i moved out. I'm guessing her little bit of income has been enough to take care of the lights and water because they are still on. Its just the house note that we couldn't take care of because she was careless. Since i've moved out i caught up on bills I had that she had stopped paying (IE truck note, phone bill, credit card, many many small medical bills). I"m not sheltering her, i closed our account and only buy things that the kids need (no money for her person enjoyment).

I could move into the house but i wouldn't be able to come up with the notes on my own or with the help of the little money she would give me. She doesn't seem to care about getting a new better paying job because she is in lala land. There is no way but down for the house (sorry, its just not in the numbers). 

Oh i forgot a big problem we are facing now....our kid had a fun raiser for school ( i was still living there at the time), Wife has a LARGE family and wanted my kid to be top seller. Well anyway everyone that made an order with her finds out that all the other kids from school delievered their goods 2 weeks ago. Wife says school sent money back because i closed our account we had and check bounced. She says she deposited the cash part of the orders in our account which was a lie because i have the statements for that month and no deposit for that amount. She is so in the fog that she thought she could steal the peoples money and get away with it, and then turn it around and put the blame on me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with her, she is just a totally different person with no regard to the consequences of any of her actions.


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

They will never see reality at this point because they're too wrapped up in themselves. To them it's all about me and what I want. The overall consequences are not important and as long as you enable this it will continue. You need to give your wife a dose of reality and stop doing and take action. You need to file for divorce as soon as possible. Once the house and everything else is involved in divorce proceedings there's nothing the finance company can do until everything is settled. Since the house is in both of your names you have to do this to avoid financial ruin. .


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Lol, Tacoma should have know my financial issues would lure you in. I haven't paid any bills regarding the house since i moved out. I'm guessing her little bit of income has been enough to take care of the lights and water because they are still on. Its just the house note that we couldn't take care of because she was careless. Since i've moved out i caught up on bills I had that she had stopped paying (IE truck note, phone bill, credit card, many many small medical bills). I"m not sheltering her, i closed our account and only buy things that the kids need (no money for her person enjoyment).
> 
> I could move into the house but i wouldn't be able to come up with the notes on my own or with the help of the little money she would give me. She doesn't seem to care about getting a new better paying job because she is in lala land. There is no way but down for the house (sorry, its just not in the numbers).
> 
> Oh i forgot a big problem we are facing now....our kid had a fun raiser for school ( i was still living there at the time), Wife has a LARGE family and wanted my kid to be top seller. Well anyway everyone that made an order with her finds out that all the other kids from school delievered their goods 2 weeks ago. Wife says school sent money back because i closed our account we had and check bounced. She says she deposited the cash part of the orders in our account which was a lie because i have the statements for that month and no deposit for that amount. She is so in the fog that she thought she could steal the peoples money and get away with it, and then turn it around and put the blame on me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with her, she is just a totally different person with no regard to the consequences of any of her actions.


Is this the trait that she developed suddenly after having A? That's a little hard to believe.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Is this the trait that she developed suddenly after having A? That's a little hard to believe.


Yea, it really is. She was always in charge of our finances and she did a good job with them. Since the funny business with her started she just stopped contributing anything to the marriage and i guess that included paying OUR bills. I would think she was withdrawing money from our account to stash but it just seemed that she got careless with the money. My work check was deposited directly into our account and looking at the statements there was no large or even small withdrawals. Everything that was wrong was her increased spending at a clothes store (i guess dolling herself up for the OM). This carelessness took funds away that was supposed to be used for essential expenses (house, utilities, truck note, our 2 vehicle's insurance). She just lost sight of the consequences that would eventually catch up to her. I'm guessing she has money now because she stole that fundraiser money, and she is telling everyone its my fault and they need to call me so i can pay them back. I never touched, handled the money for the fund raiser, only thing i did was see what i wanted to order. She has truth so skewed and twisted and i think she even believes her own lies now.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ok good you`re not paying any of her bills.

The link aug posted is on the money so you may not be in as bad a position as you thik on the house anyway.

If there ever is a foreclosure make sure you show up in court for the hearing.
At that hearing all you have to do is demand the loaner provide evidence of their ownership of the home.
If they can`t then they`re stuck in limbo for god knows how many years and the way these loaners have been slicing up and rebundling mortgages most can`t even tell you who actually holds the title to most of these homes.

So that may be a little silver lining for you as long as you make sure you show up to that court date.

When borrowers fail to show and demand evidence of ownership by the loaner courts are just inclined to go along with whatever the loaner says is true.
Make sure you`re there to tell the court otherwise if it happens.

So ultimately tigercat what do you want to do about your wife and this affair?
Do you want her back?
Do you want to divorce?


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

My head says no, she betrayed me but my heart says yes, she was my first and only love really and we have kids together. What i guess i'm trying to say is i really want her back but she needs to pay and feel the pain she caused me, she needs to admit her wrongs and be remorseful. Maybe i'm asking too much??? I just want her and my family back but i'm not gonna let that happen unless she is really willing to recongnize we made mistake , we need to work on them and move forward. I'm willing to let the past be the past but that doesn't mean it was right.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No you're not asking too much! She wronged you an if you even consider reconciliation she needs to own that. Inside you know you deserve better. So show it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No you're not asking too much! She wronged you an if you even consider reconciliation she needs to own that. Inside you know you deserve better. So show it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right, i do deserve better. For me to even consider reconciling with her she would have to show me something major. I was always good to her and i didn't deserve what she did. I guess what they say is right, "nice guys do finish last". I do want her back but if she can't recommit herself to this marriage and me 100% then i can do without her.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly. U give as good as u get. One person alone does not make a marriage. Its a joint effort. No third parties.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your last post tells me in no uncertain terms that you are willing to reconcile.

If you really want that Tigercat you have got to start listening to the people here who have been telling you step by step what to do to give you the best shot at getting her back.
What you`ve been doing isn`t working is it?

A lot if not all of what you`ll hear here will seem so unintuitive that it just can`t possibly be the right move but these people have been there and have both succeeded and failed and are pretty much in agreement about what needs to be done to have the best chance at success.
Start listening to them Tigercat or kiss your marriage goodbye.

I`ve been a bit of an ass to you Tiger and I`m not sorry for it.
I`ve been obviously frustrated by your threads because I think you have a shot at fixing it but you just keep making the same mistakes and it`s really bugging me that you yourself might be your own worst enemy.

Now, I`m going to tell you one more time ...

Move back into YOUR home, right now get the **** off the computer, pack your ****, throw it in the car and drive home.

Walk into your house and RECLAIM what is yours.

Here is why you NEED to do this...

It`s strong and assertive- women do not want a doormat, they are repulsed by weak beta men who allow them to walk on them.
If she is having an affair this move in itself is going to raise your value in comparison to the OM and right now I`d bet a paycheck he`s looking a hell of a lot more attractive than you are to her.
You need to beat him at this game.

It`s a road block to her possible affair- If she is having an affair do you think it`s easier for her to carry on with it when you`re not living at the house or is it easier to carry on when you are miles away all the time?
If she is having an affair having you over her shoulder every damn minute will make it very hard for her to keep it a secret.

Now none of this is going to make her happy, in fact if she`s having an affair it`s going to piss her off something fierce.
That`s why you`re going to have to work the 180 very hard once you`re back home.

We can talk about the 180 once you`ve made this move.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Your last post tells me in no uncertain terms that you are willing to reconcile.
> 
> If you really want that Tigercat you have got to start listening to the people here who have been telling you step by step what to do to give you the best shot at getting her back.
> What you`ve been doing isn`t working is it?
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is what I've been trying to get TIMBRE to understand on his thread too!


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Your last post tells me in no uncertain terms that you are willing to reconcile.
> 
> If you really want that Tigercat you have got to start listening to the people here who have been telling you step by step what to do to give you the best shot at getting her back.
> What you`ve been doing isn`t working is it?
> ...


Its cool, i don't take it personal haha. I'm here because I tried the usual things and they didn't work (of course because i wouldn't be here). I'm here for constructive criticism to better myself and give me a chance to keep my marriage. 

I'm not sure if this battle can be won, its not only about the affair that triggered everything but now she is expanding. She is also looking for attention from other guys and partying. She missed out on these things because she got pregnant at such a young age and now shes that girl thats trying to make up for lost time.  If it was just one guy i had to worry about thats one thing but if she is going for the grand slam, IDK. What u think, is she going to be a lost cause? 

If this can be done I'll move back in. I can tell you now when she sees me at the door with my stuff, she will NOT be a happy camper!!! Then u might find me in the obituaries after i move in. lol


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is "the grand slam?" Tiger...if u try something and it doesn't work--stop doing it and try something else. Oh and I LOLed at Tacoma..."I've been an ass to you and I'm not sorry for it." 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What is "the grand slam?" Tiger...if u try something and it doesn't work--stop doing it and try something else. Oh and I LOLed at Tacoma..."I've been an ass to you and I'm not sorry for it."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol, by grand slam i mean...i seem to have found evidence that she slept with this guy (don't know if she still is) but i also found her messaging all these different guys, giving her number to them and asking them to go out to the club with her. 

She seems to have went off the deep end.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Well, despite the financial situation, I don't think the bank will act on evicting the residents that fast. Since she is determined to stay till the day of eviction, you might as well just move back in with minimal stuff. This is also an idea. She may not want you back, but being separated you are not helping much cause either. 

Maybe as we suggested before, you see her in person to feel the water first. But, as for the big picture, your moving back in the house is the right answer. Your not being in the picture not only enable her continuing PA(?) but also the distance is likely putting more wedge between you two, not to mention with your kids. As you put yourself back in the house, you may get a better picture of what's going on with your own eyes, and that way it would be easier for you to determine if this M is salvageable or not. If not, you should move on to file D. The way it is right now, it is a stalemate of a sort. Everybody is sinking together in a quicksand.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Lol, by grand slam i mean...i seem to have found evidence that she slept with this guy (don't know if she still is) but i also found her messaging all these different guys, giving her number to them and asking them to go out to the club with her.
> 
> She seems to have went off the deep end.


Please go home tiger.

It may be too late if you do but it`s definitely a done deal if you don`t.

It`s going to suck and it`s going to hurt and it might not even work but I believe it`s the only shot you have man.

Either go home or file the papers but don`t hesitate to do either .
Decide and take action right now whichever way you choose.

Do it now, today, this minute.

Confront her with this new evidence (it sounds pretty solid) and start the 180.

What is the evidence you`ve found that she slept with someone?

If she`s fishing for other men it`s actually not a bad sign.
It means she isn`t "in love" with any single guy.
You won`t be fighting a romantic interest.
This makes it easier.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Tigercat said:


> why can't my WW see the consequences?


Probably because your shielding her from them.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Probably because your shielding her from them.



The bad ones probably. 

From her point of view, she has all the good ones.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

aug said:


> The bad ones probably.
> 
> From her point of view, she has all the good ones.


I'm already not paying anything for the home and not giving her money, if she needs something for the kids i buy it and give it to her. How do i make her feel the bad consequences? I would like to make her feel that being a single parent sucks, without me there to pick up her slack. Is that even possible?


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Some consequences are for revenge and justice, and some are to snap WS out of the fog. What do you have in mind?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Some consequences are for revenge and justice, and some are to snap WS out of the fog. What do you have in mind?


I believe Tiger wants her out of the fog but revenge and justice will work in case she doesn`t get there.


----------



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I believe Tiger wants her out of the fog but revenge and justice will work in case she doesn`t get there.


LOL , i'm starting to like your thinking buddy.


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You need to take stock mate, you're making things FAR too easy for her, yet you're getting all the headf***k.
Move in
File for D (if you want)
180 her.
Get on with your life.
Let her see you're getting on with your life whether she's there or not! 
Do - not - be - needy - around - her!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and to answer the thread title question...she doesn't see any consequences because so far there haven't been any consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

