# Lonely But Not Alone



## ruby.snow85 (4 mo ago)

Hello All! This post is about being a married SAHM and the isolation that comes with it. I've been married for 4 years and I moved away from my hometown to my husband's hometown to be together. When I got here, I found out that he didn't want me to work, join a church, or make any close friends. My family all live far away and all that's here is him and his family. He and I are constantly bumping heads about what a wife/mother's role is and I just feel so isolated because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about the concerns in my marriage especially the feeling of being so isolated and disconnected from other people. I'm sure there are other SAHM out there who don't share my pain, but if you do please comment and give me some advice. Any suggestions would be helpful.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

ruby.snow85 said:


> Hello All! This post is about being a married SAHM and the isolation that comes with it. I've been married for 4 years and I moved away from my hometown to my husband's hometown to be together. When I got here,* I found out that he didn't want me to work, join a church, or make any close friends.* My family all live far away and all that's here is him and his family. He and I are constantly bumping heads about what a wife/mother's role is and I just feel so isolated because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about the concerns in my marriage especially the feeling of being so isolated and disconnected from other people. I'm sure there are other SAHM out there who don't share my pain, but if you do please comment and give me some advice. Any suggestions would be helpful.


@ruby.snow85 Welcome to TAM

I'm a guy but I have to jump in. When I read this, huge red flags started waving.
"_I found out that he didn't want me to work, join a church, or make any close friends._"

This is a bad situation, please do not let that go.
You _must_ be social with friends and family, and you _must_ get out and have some form of work.

I'm sure others will have better advice than me, but in my opinion, you need to fight for this. It's not healthy for you to be isolated and totally dependant on him for everything. Don't be ok with this!!


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

As a SHM since my son was born, I was more of a hybrid SHM. I have mostly worked part time in some capacity since my son was 6 months home, be it from home or occasionally filling in the office role at my previous job before I gave birth. I've never been an idle wife, always worked and have always felt the need to contribute financially in some capacity, if only for my own sense of worth. 

After we moved back to TX, I was again working from home during the day and then my husband would come home, and I'd go out and do my part time merchandising job for a few hours, not every night but probably two to three nights a week. During the last 8 months of my marriage, before my husband died in March this year, we were having issues. Just not talking (he constantly stone walled me), zero intimacy, plenty sex, but NO connection emotionally. 

He got to the point he was telling my mom "I don't know why she works, she doesn't have to." He made fun of the job I got last Jan of 2021, working as the director of a mother's day out twice a week at our church. He didn't want me talking to other ladies from church. Which, I get he was afraid to be outed as anything but the show he was putting on, but I needed to know there was hope for what I was going through. He would talk to me, so I sought two females in our church. 

Anyhow, my point is, this is unhealthy. VERY unhealthy that he doesn't want you to have outside friends, seems to be trying to control you by limiting who you are around or whatever. It's very strange. Not working and staying home is one thing. Not going to church? Not making connections? If you're a Christian, you know how importance fellowship is and it's not even about being in church with other believer though that is great. If you can, I'd seek counseling together and also, as long as I wasn't disrespecting my marriage, I would also choose to get out of the house, meet people and invite your husband along or even look for work you can do with your child around or whatever it is to form your own identity. You're allowed your own identity girl.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

You've picked a bad man to marry.
Find someone who is more mature and less insecure. It has nothing to do with love. Almost cruel. Your just possesion to him.
He wants to make sure ypu stay dependend and unable to leave him. This enables him to do whatever he wants to without risking losing you.

The issue isn't what he wants, but that you are obeying him. Why do you need his permission to do what is good for you?
You believe your husband is some sort of authority to you. Looks like you chose marriage to be dependend and not having to make decisions on your own.
This is 2022. Women are allowed to rent, to work and have bank accounts in your country.
What is holding you back?

Don't say 'I married him' or 'I love him'. If getting crippeled is what you call love, then it is what it is.
Unless you change your attitude nothing will hange in your life.

I say it all the time, a partner is always a reflection of ones own personality.
You're insecure and that got you a man who is insecure and toxic.
He isn't a good choice. Even if he agrees. Just wanting a partner that is dependend shows he has a bad character. He also is going to be a toxic father therefore.

Lots and lots of problems are waiting for you in rhis marriage. 

Is being a 'good wife' everything you can identify with as a woman and human being. Don't you have your own personality?


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ruby.snow85 said:


> Hello All! This post is about being a married SAHM and the isolation that comes with it. I've been married for 4 years and I moved away from my hometown to my husband's hometown to be together. *When I got here, I found out that he didn't want me to work, join a church, or make any close friends. *My family all live far away and all that's here is him and his family. He and I are constantly bumping heads about what a wife/mother's role is and I just feel so isolated because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about the concerns in my marriage especially the feeling of being so isolated and disconnected from other people. I'm sure there are other SAHM out there who don't share my pain, but if you do please comment and give me some advice. Any suggestions would be helpful.


He shouldn't be controlling you like that. Everyone needs their own support system and he should want you to have it. Him moving you away from your friends and family THEN restricting you is pretty bad. 

You said you argue over what the role of mother and wife should look like. What does he think that role looks like?


----------



## ruby.snow85 (4 mo ago)

Thank you all for responding and your advice. Ellieblue I feel what you are saying. I do have a personality that seems to have gotten consumed in my marriage and now I'm trying to find the line between us two when we became one. My husband and I both have traditional Christian values when it comes to the roles of men and women and a lot of it works for us. It's just his fear and insecurity that any relationship outside of our immediate family is a threat to him. I really don't want to do anything drastic and mess up the good things in our relationship and family dynamic.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ruby.snow85 said:


> When I got here, I found out that he didn't want me to work, join a church, or make any close friends


he is your husband not your jailer , it looks like he pulled the wool over your eyes , 
as you say" when I got here I found" , so he did not give you your orders until you were married and had moved , this is not a marriage , 

What is his reason for thinking he can lay down these rules, sounds more Amish than christian,Even the Amish let their women have other Amish women as friends 

Too far east is west and he will drive you away from him , 
this is not a question of SAHM 
BUT MORE you have stepped into jail , as time goes on he will tighten your strings like your straight jacket


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I suggest you read Ephesians in it’s entirety. It’s not about suppression of the woman as a wife. It’s dying to self To serve her and you him and this is not it. IMO a man should be leading his household, not suppressing it. My husband wouldn’t lead, and it forced me to.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

The man sounds very controlling.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ruby.snow85 said:


> Thank you all for responding and your advice. Ellieblue I feel what you are saying. I do have a personality that seems to have gotten consumed in my marriage and now I'm trying to find the line between us two when we became one. My husband and I both have traditional Christian values when it comes to the roles of men and women and a lot of it works for us. It's just his fear and insecurity that any relationship outside of our immediate family is a threat to him. I really don't want to do anything drastic and mess up the good things in our relationship and family dynamic.


He is very controlling indeed. Thats a very bad sign. We are supposed to be part of a church family and make friends.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The Bible speaks about how husbands should love their wives like Jesus loved the church. Your husband sounds like he’s twisting Scripture to suit his insecurities. Please encourage him to get counseling with you. There are good Christian counselors out there but make sure you find one that actually understands the Bible, and doesn’t also twist Scripture. Your husband isolating you like this is not only unhealthy, but a little scary.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> The Bible speaks about how husbands should love their wives like Jesus loved the church. Your husband sounds like he’s twisting Scripture to suit his insecurities. Please encourage him to get counseling with you. There are good Christian counselors out there but make sure you find one that actually understands the Bible, and doesn’t also twist Scripture. Your husband isolating you like this is not only unhealthy, but a little scary.


Especially as The Bible says we should all meet together. I agree, its actually abusive to isolate someone.


----------

