# always complainting husband behind me



## baggy (Dec 19, 2011)

hi...i got married just 9 months back, before marriage i had lots of imagination about my married life..and same i expressed to my husband after our marriage. Even after 9 months, my wedding photos are not come, and whenever i ask my hus to get them from the shop..he is telling to all the relatives that im frustrating him for photos..common those are my wedding pics, he says why so urgent we can see it any time.Also, currently we are staying in a single room where my husband stayed before marriage, that room is so conjusted that even 3 people cant accomadate 3 people also, its very needful for us to stay in a 1bhk. I'm asking him to take a 1bhk, he said he will take once he changes his current job.I have waited till he gets a new job. Once after getting his new job, even i waited till his notice period completed in the old job.I forced him to search for house when he has a gap to join to the new company. Even for that he is complainting to his parents and relatives, that im asking him to take the house..i just feel like getting away from his relationship.In my first month after marriage i just asked him to take a dress for me every month, i dint force him at alll..for that also a complaint..he left me all alone in that single room and went to his friends home with all his luggage.Now he is saying that , i have apologize their parents , and request them to send my hus to me.Then only he will come and stay with me it seems..I'm also a working women in IT sector, i was in my notice period and i cant get the leaves in notice period.My hus is forcing to take 10 days leave and go to his home town.I tried convincing him that i will go once my notice period completed.He is like, im not obeying his mother words. He is not coming to the me ...i feel his mother is so much involving, every time he calls and tells to his mother like ma, she is asking a rent house...immediately call goes to my relatives and parents scolding me and my parents. i dont know , why he is not taking the responsibility of a husband...and he is okay to talk to his mother during late nights like around 11pm and 10.30pm every day...i cant say ok for all those things...let me know..hw can i change him,


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You cant change people you can only change yourself. It looks like finished to me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Don't ask him for anything. Be strong and independent. If there are things that you THINK you need him for, figure out how to do it yourself, or another way to do it so you don't NEED him. 

Maybe he will see that you are handling things on your own and he will admire this. Maybe not. Either way, you will be better off for not having to depend on him!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YOu have your exit plan backwards.

Step 1) your finances. Open a bank account in your name and put any money you can into it. Once he is acutally out of the house be ready to move half of all your joint savings/cheking into an account in your name.

Step 2) go to an abuse center and get counseling. Even if they do not have room for you they probably have counseling.

Step 3) you will most likely be around him for a while longer... so learn how to handle his angry outbursts.... it's not rock science.

Every time he starts ranting, say "STOP!" is a firm voice and put your hand up in a stop gesture. Repeat it several times until he stops. Then tell him that your will not fight with him. Then take your daughter, to go another room and close the door. Make sure you have a cell or phone available. If he starts pounding on the door, etc. call the police. Ask the police to have him removed and that you do not want him to return to the home because he's being emotionaly and physically violent.

If he does not beat on the door, yell, etc.. stay in the room for a while... half hour or so and then come out.

If he starts up again, repeat.

Practice this in front of a mirror unit it's automatic. Imagine him going into a rant and then do the "STOP!" routine.. do it out loud until the reaction is automatic.

Also tell you child that when her dad starts to yell, pick on you she needs to just go to her room and close the door.

Step 4) Go see an attorney as soon as you can. Do not wait until your husband is out of the house.

 
I'm not entirely sure what a 'notice' period is for a job. Is it a trial period before you are considered a permanent employee?

You should not do anything to put your job in jeopardy. This is not a man you can depend on so you will need that job.

As for obeying his mother... you have no responsibility to her. He's run home to mommy to have her run his life.

As the other poster said, if you want something do it for yourself.

You want a dress every month? Use your own money to buy your own dress every month.

You want to see your wedding photos? So see them at the photography shop. Why does your husband have to do this? 

It does not sound like you have a marriage. Your husband is a mommy’s boy who wants his mother to run his life. The only way your marriage will survive as a healthy marriage is if you let you husband know that you will not play this silly game of his. Either he comes home to you and acts like a husband, or you want a divorce.

Take a look at the 180 link in my signature block. This is the best suggestion of what you need to do right not. And add to the list … do not talk to his mother any more. You are not married to her. If she is talking and harassing your parents, tell your parents to not engage in this with her. She has no business arguing and attacking your parents.

Tell you husband you expect an apology from her to you and your parents. And then do the 180.

If he does not come back after the 180, your marriage is over.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

As to SunnyT, where is the abuse. You got a family with some significant money problems, a difficult living arrangement, and there a lot of stress. It's sad and hard on everyone. To call this abuse demeans situations of true abuse. What on earth does the phrase emotionally and physically violent mean. 

Likewise, how can you say Stop, when she initiates the discussion asking him every other day about the pictures. If she wants the pictures, as Elegirl notes, why doesn't she get them, and if there is a problem with the photographer, why doesn't she deal with it. 

She shouldn't apologize to his parents, but likewise, she should not be telling him to dictate to them when they do. She should treat his parents courteously and respectfully, but maintain her self-respect. 

Any chances of maintaining the marriage must come from getting away from his parents, and them both developing meaningful methods of compromise and problem resolution. Both parents are probably assertive and dominant. Instead of trying to help the marriage, each set of parents appears to be adding oil to the fire, telling their child she is right, that the other parents are dysfunctional, and that he or she needs to be more assertive. 
It's typical America, Jane the problem is that you need to be tougher and more assertive, Bob, your wife is walking all over you. I am not sure who said telling already assertive women that their problem is not pushing hard enough solves problems. The advice both parents is giving is more akin to what a divorce lawyer would say, eager to prevent the couple from reconciling and hoping to maintain sufficient conflict to ensure continued work.


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## baggy (Dec 19, 2011)

@ Bobby: its not a big deal to pay for wedding pics..but they forced us lot of dowry..they dint even compromise for any formualities..if they atleast donot have money for wedding photos why they should marry a girl who are in good status..they could have opted for their range..

ofcourse i supported them financially very well, immediately after 2 months of my marriage myself i gave them 60k for my father in laws LIC. i'm ready to support the family..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

baggy said:


> @ Bobby: its not a big deal to pay for wedding pics..but they forced us lot of dowry..


Do you live in the USA or another country? You seem to be talking about customs that are not followed in the USA.

It's also not easy to follow what you are say. Are you saying that his family demanded a high dowry from your family?



baggy said:


> they dint even compromise for any formualities..if they atleast donot have money for wedding photos why they should marry a girl who are in good status..they could have opted for their range.. ..


So is it traditional for his family to pay for the wedding photos. Is this the problem?

Why did they choose for their son to marry a woman of a better social/financial standing? Easy… it’s because they want your money. I’m sorry to say this but that’s what it sounds like. If it’s the case that he married you for your dowry, this is really bad. Since he took your dowry but is not taking care of you at the level your dowrey entitles you to, can you get your marriage undone? I don’t know what the word would be.. here we would call it an annulment? Can you sue to get your dowry back? 

This is the problem with a dowry that is paid to the groom or to his family. You, the bride lose all rights in your marriage. If I were you I’d be very concerned.



baggy said:


> ofcourse i supported them financially very well, immediately after 2 months of my marriage myself i gave them 60k for my father in laws LIC. i'm ready to support the family..


Why would you need to support his family? I don’t think you have any obligation to help them. Why did you do this? How much was your dowry? Probably 40K or more? Or am I wrong? Then you gave them another 60K. I’ve read about cases like this.. they drain the new bride of all her money and then the husband divorces her and get another woman to take money from.

Do you think this is want is going on? If it is, you should not go anywhere near his family. Will your family help you get out of this marriage? What are your rights in the country you live in?


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