# What would you do??



## lady323 (Nov 12, 2010)

Please be patient as this is long winded but I think you need to hear the gist of everything. 

We are an older couple (I'm 51 and he's 55) that met on line in 2000. He moved in with me in 2003 and we married in 2006. This is my first marriage and his third.

When we first met he made me feel so special and he was caring and felt he had me on a pedestal. We would talk all night…actually he used to talk and tell me things about his life, growing up in Australia etc. but then I would doze off as I’m a morning person so I tried to stay awake but end up falling asleep. He understood which was fine.

He has been unemployed for the last 6 years and has given up looking for a job.

Now for the crux of our relationship: My family hasn’t accepted him because of his color and the fact that we met online. His family on the other hand in New Zealand (I’ve met them a few times as we went over there and they have come here) welcomed me with open arms. However my husband tells me that they would do that for anyone whether they liked them or not.

He also has a good female friend. She calls numerous times for everything as she is a single mom with a son and my husband is the god father. This friend has never married and my husband has said she is just a good friend and nothing more. It just took me a while to adjust but I did. 

As he is unemployed and has been since 2005, he does spend a lot of time online chatting and they are all female. He does not have any male friends. I have made the comment that it’s him and his harem of females…which he got mad.

Anyway there have been other cases where he goes away to see his family for 3-months at a time which I couldn't understand why a newly married man would to that.

In the beginning of our relationship, I went through his files/wallet etc. just so that I can see if I could find out anything. Came up empty, however, he knew I went through his stuff and got very upset.

When he originally went away I used to leave cards and love notes in his suitcase. I had to stop that as he thought it was stupid. I told him I thought it was romantic and wanted him to know I was thinking of him.

My other concern is that he’s not working, how he is paying for all his trips. He tells me he uses his miles, which is true as he used to travel all over the world for years.

I am now so insecure as he has another female friend that he continually visits. He has told me there is nothing going on and if he wanted to have a relationship with her he would and he then would move out. My concern is that she can call any time of day and he’ll take the call or call her shortly thereafter. From what I can tell from the one-sided conversation I hear, it’s about her work and friends, yoga, what she ate, etc. Nothing that I should get jealous over but I do. As why would he want to spend time with her and not me.

I think I am just driving my husband away with my insecurities. When I try to tell him he has said it’s my problem. I admit I have trouble in the communication arena and end up saying something stupid.

I’ve told him that no wife would like to hear her husband greet another woman “Hey sexy” but I don’t know if he’s just doing it to annoy me.

Another concern I have is that over the last couple of years he has booked flights and won’t leave me his itinerary. When I ask he says he’ll email it to me and never does so I put up a stink as to why he wouldn’t just email/send it to me. 

A few times I called various hotels looking for him and when I found where he was I just hung up when he answered the phone but he knew it was me. I regret doing this but maybe it’s me going crazy as I love him too much but again by doing this type of thing I may be driving him away.

He now just gives me 2-3 day window as to when he’s leaving.

The other thing that bothers me is when he tells me he told me things and I do not recall him saying anything. This truly bothers me as this has caused numerous arguments.

There are some other things but wanted a sounding board as to what I can do, or if there's any suggestion.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

He's unemployed, carrying on multiple emotional and likely physical affairs in plain sight, and preying on your insecurities.

The rest of it sounds like gaslighting.

I would suggest some individual counseling as to why you'd allow yourself to be treated like this - he sounds very cruel, disrespectful, and unloving. You deserve better.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Acorn said:


> He's unemployed, carrying on multiple emotional and likely physical affairs in plain sight, and preying on your insecurities.
> 
> The rest of it sounds like gaslighting.
> 
> I would suggest some individual counseling as to why you'd allow yourself to be treated like this - he sounds very cruel, disrespectful, and unloving. You deserve better.


:iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like you don't actually know much about the man you married, he has given no transparency at all.

Hire a PI frankly and have him investigated. There is something really rotten here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lady323 (Nov 12, 2010)

thanks for responding.....maybe I do need to hire a PI!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This sounds fishy.

No work in 6 years? Holy crap. Guess he doesn't WANT to work. He's not unemployed, he just doesn't work.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Did you marry him unemployed? the timetable says so. How does he help pay the bills or do you pay for everything? Listen to your family - they suspect he is trouble.

Maybe he's a drug dealer or some other illegal activity or his harem of women send him money.

Are you wealthy? Maybe he married you for your money.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I see you have 2 threads - next time keep it to one for better advice.

I wouldn't bother to call all of the OW. How do you know you have a legal marriage? He could still be married to those other women in other countries.

I agree with the suggesting to hire a PI.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jobless, cheating, on-line predator, IMO, probably been coasting along like this all his life with women like you. Sorry. But that's what it sounds like.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

that_girl said:


> This sounds fishy.
> 
> No work in 6 years? Holy crap. Guess he doesn't WANT to work. He's not unemployed, he just doesn't work.


Agreed. Maybe he's like Cousin Eddie in Nat'l Lampoon's Vacation - "He's waiting for something in management" 

Move on. He's a parasite.


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

2011 people. Nothing to see here. Move along
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

So what? If y'all get so bothered about old threads, petition the MODS to start deleting them after a certain amount of time. It's all still valid anyway.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> So what? If y'all get so bothered about old threads, *petition the MODS to start deleting them after a certain amount of time.* It's all still valid anyway.


:iagree:


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

Maybe not still valid. He could have a job, no internet connection, and be faithful as a puppy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Nope, he's still at it, driving and flying all accross Canada for his new fancy piece....Bloody Canadians...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Nope, he's still at it, driving and flying all accross Canada for his new fancy piece....Bloody Canadians...


Hey I take exception to that, eh?


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Nope, he's still at it, driving and flying all accross Canada for his new fancy piece....Bloody Canadians...


This is more likely. :lol:


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