# How Old Is Too Old For Opposite Sex Sleepovers?



## EllisRedding

Curious on everyone's opinions here knowing there isn't a right answer.

One of the girl's in my son's class (3rd grade, they are both 8 going on 9 in the next few months) invited him over for a play date (they have already had a few play dates so nothing new). This time she asked if he could sleep over which my W and I said no (he got upset at this). Curious what age others here start to consider "inappropriate" for this? Part of the issue, my W has met the girl's parents once or twice briefly, but in general do not really know them to have our son sleep over. My son has frequent sleep overs with one of his friends (he lives a few houses down, we know the parents very well, etc...) so it is not as if we won't allow him to have any sleepovers. Being that this time it is a female though it is different. My W and I talked about, and realistically it is not like we "think" anything will happen, but where will he sleep, could he end up sleeping in the same bed as her, door closed to bedroom, etc... I know at some point as a parent this does become inappropriate, so what age (age range) do you feel you would stop this as a parent?


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## the guy

I think it's weird at any age...I mean what are they going to do all night?

Play dress up or wrestle?

I mean are they going to play with Barbie's or GI Joes?

Are they going to watch the "Notebook" or "Transformers" 

I guess when they are young they both could color and watch cartoons so once they grow out of crafts and Barnie I imagine it becomes a bad idea for this kind of thing.


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## Mr The Other

I had an opposite sex sleep over last night and I am thirty-nine.

Does that help?


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## joannacroc

Mr The Other said:


> I had an opposite sex sleep over last night and I am thirty-nine.
> 
> Does that help?


So settle the debate - Barbies or G.I. Joes?


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## Cynthia

I never allowed opposite sex sleep overs for my kids. It's not appropriate.


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## Mr The Other

joannacroc said:


> So settle the debate - Barbies or G.I. Joes?


I played with a barbie and she played with a GI Joe :grin2:


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## NoChoice

OP,
I find it refreshing and more than a little reassuring that there are still parents that find anything inappropriate. I am of a similar mindset to the guy in that pre-adolescent boys and girls have very little in common. I also find it somewhat troubling that the girls parents did not see it as problematic. I feel your son is fortunate to have parents that can still recognize inappropriate.


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## arbitrator

*If it's a one-on-one "play date" or sleepover, supervised or otherwise ~ never ~ that would be highly inappropriate!

Now if it's a group gathering, say in a chaperoned setting or environment, then probably just somewhere before adolescence kicks in!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug

EllisRedding said:


> Curious on everyone's opinions here knowing there isn't a right answer.
> 
> One of the girl's in my son's class (3rd grade, they are both 8 going on 9 in the next few months) invited him over for a play date (they have already had a few play dates so nothing new). This time she asked if he could sleep over which my W and I said no (he got upset at this). Curious what age others here start to consider "inappropriate" for this? Part of the issue, my W has met the girl's parents once or twice briefly, but in general do not really know them to have our son sleep over. My son has frequent sleep overs with one of his friends (he lives a few houses down, we know the parents very well, etc...) so it is not as if we won't allow him to have any sleepovers. Being that this time it is a female though it is different. My W and I talked about, and realistically it is not like we "think" anything will happen, but where will he sleep, could he end up sleeping in the same bed as her, door closed to bedroom, etc... I know at some point as a parent this does become inappropriate, so what age (age range) do you feel you would stop this as a parent?



At their ages, I would have no issues allowing sleep overs. They're grade 3 and 9 years old.......not 14+ years old.......

Let them have their sleep overs. Don't be the prudish parents.

I did something similar when I was that young and guess what, nothing happened.

If they were say 16 years old, then I'd be thinking the same thing you are now but at age 9 grade 3, chill out.


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## Holland

Can't see what the fuss is about TBH. As long as I knew the family I would have no problem.


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## SunnyT

I'd say it depends on how well you know the other family. While it's good to be attentive, it's just as well if the other parents are attentive too and you trust them to watch over children. If you don't know them well enough, then no sleep-over regardless of gender.


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## Anonymous07

the guy said:


> I think it's weird at any age...I mean what are they going to do all night?
> 
> Play dress up or wrestle?
> 
> I mean are they going to play with Barbie's or GI Joes?
> 
> Are they going to watch the "Notebook" or "Transformers"
> 
> I guess when they are young they both could color and watch cartoons so once they grow out of crafts and Barnie I imagine it becomes a bad idea for this kind of thing.


You really think young boys and girls have nothing in common? 

I grew up with brothers, so I liked watching TMNT, playing sports, playing 'cops and robbers', telling ghost stories, etc. Boys and girls have plenty in common and they're kids, not teenagers. The Notebook would be highly inappropriate for a 3rd grader. I think it's sad when people sexualize little kids. They're more innocent than that. They just want to play together, whether that be dress up or board games or spies or something else. Gender stereotypes don't fit all kids. 

I would be ok with co-ed sleep overs, so long as I knew the family well and it was before puberty.


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## EllisRedding

Thanks for all the responses. Just a few quick comments:

I don't find it being a prudish parent b/c we set boundaries at a young age. 

I can clearly remember when I was 11/12 having sexual thoughts (this was 6th grade). Not that I really knew what to do with them, but they were there lol

As mentioned, it was a 2 part decision (1) how well we knew the parents and (2) opposite sex. Now let's say my W and I were good friends with the parents (similar to the friend my son has frequent sleep overs with), would we have viewed this differently, maybe, IDK. 

It is funny as well, when my W and I were discussing and trying to decide if we made the right decision, we tried to look at it as if a boy had invited our daughter over for a sleepover (assuming all other circumstances were the same) and our response was immediately no.


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## Hope1964

Whether anything happens or not isn't the point. I don't even know if anything COULD happen at that age, physically. But it's simply denial if you think your kids don't have sexual thoughts at 9 - or even younger.

I don't recall the issue ever coming up with my kids - thankfully, they were that age 15-20 years ago, when MOST parents were still 'prudish' - but if it had I wouldn't have allowed it. If you do allow it, at what point do you no longer allow it? Like the thread title says, at what age are your kids then 'too old' for it? And if they become 'too old', what do you tell them? I also wouldn't let them disappear in the house to play together, or go into a room and shut the door.

Kids need to know that there ARE things that simply are not appropriate. Some adults do too, apparently.


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## SimplyAmorous

I think it depends on the kids, ages younger than puberty would be less of an issue with me..

Then if the families know each other well, the rules of the house, the level of supervision.. many variables... It's not a black & white thing to me.... 

One needs to be just as careful with our daughters spending nights at girlfriends houses with brothers.. or if we have boys, making sure they aren't making moves on a girl spending the night at our house, especially during those teen years... had my own little experience with something like that.. her brothers room was next to hers... we kinda liked each other...a little experimentation in the middle of the night. 

I was 13....but did put a stop to it.


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## NextTimeAround

Hope1964 said:


> Whether anything happens or not isn't the point. I don't even know if anything COULD happen at that age, physically. But it's simply denial if you think your kids don't have sexual thoughts at 9 - or even younger.
> 
> I don't recall the issue ever coming up with my kids - thankfully, they were that age 15-20 years ago, when MOST parents were still 'prudish' - but if it had I wouldn't have allowed it. If you do allow it, at what point do you no longer allow it? Like the thread title says, at what age are your kids then 'too old' for it? And if they become 'too old', what do you tell them? I also wouldn't let them disappear in the house to play together, or go into a room and shut the door.
> 
> Kids need to know that there ARE things that simply are not appropriate. Some adults do too, apparently.


Having babysat my niece and nephew -- they are 2 years apart -- it's clear that they have sexual curiosity before the age of 10.

I think it's really smart to kids to relate to their own sex before they "discover the opposite sex " as we used to say in grade school -- late '60s. Girls certainly have a rude awakening when they learn that they really aren't "just one of the guys." 

And for boys, girls can be quite dominating at that age.


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## EllisRedding

NextTimeAround said:


> Having babysat my niece and nephew -- they are 2 years apart -- it's clear that they have sexual curiosity before the age of 10.
> 
> I think it's really smart to kids to relate to their own sex before they "discover the opposite sex " as we used to say in grade school -- late '60s. Girls certainly have a rude awakening when they learn that they really aren't "just one of the guys."
> 
> *And for boys, girls can be quite dominating at that age*.


Now that you mention this, we had family friends and their oldest daughter was the same age as our son, and even at a young age (5-6 yrs old) it was clear she had a crush on him. I guess about 2 yrs ago we took them all to go see a local play and she went to kiss him on the lips. He would even complain to us that she was always trying to kiss him. The odd thing was her parents never did anything to correct her behavior, they just kind of laughed it off


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## the guy

Page 2 of this thread and .......It's still weird at any age...IMHO!

But I do have to say as a group both my kids spent the night and they have had the family friends spend the night ...as a group. The boys were the same age and the girls were close in age also. The boys were often tormented for a while then the boys would find refuge from the mean girls and all was good.

Hell they grew up together camping, sleeping over and taking care of each other while we dumb @ss parents go drunk and fought with other campers.

Now a days these same kids don't see each other much but they do share their wedding days and babies pictures/showers. The "group" of kids did well...I guess watching a bunch of phucked up parents they figured they would do better.

Any way...my point is as a group its no biggy to have oppisit sex sleep over cuz in the end of the night the girls will find there own space and the boys will find their own space. But as individuals I still think it's odd to have little Becky Sue spending the night with little Joey by them selves.


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## Holland

Hope1964 said:


> ....................
> 
> Kids need to know that there ARE things that simply are not appropriate. Some adults do too, apparently.


And what is inappropriate about kids spending time together? It only becomes inappropriate if adults put their paranoid and scared lens on it.
Children learn from their parents and if their parents are showing them that a friend of the opposite gender is not appropriate what do people think the longer term consequences of that will be? 

As a parent it is my job to teach my kids what is right and wrong and what normal boundaries are so when they do go to other peoples houses or to social events they are not socially awkward or inept. Hiding them from the world is a bad choice IMHO, preparing them for the world is giving them much more control.

My kids go to a co ed school where both genders are allowed to share tents on school camp. Never in over 8 years and 3 kids at the school has their ever been an issue.
I went to a very strict all girls school, lots of very promiscuous stuff going on because the more you try and hold the boundaries too tightly the harder kids will work to fight against it.


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## EllisRedding

Holland said:


> And what is inappropriate about kids spending time together? It only becomes inappropriate if adults put their paranoid and scared lens on it.
> Children learn from their parents and if their parents are showing them that a friend of the opposite gender is not appropriate what do people think the longer term consequences of that will be?


Please elaborate on exactly what these documented long term consequences are, otherwise it sounds like you are putting someone down, implying they are harming their children, because they view things differently than you.


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## Holland

EllisRedding said:


> Please elaborate on exactly what these documented long term consequences are, otherwise it sounds like you are putting someone down, implying they are harming their children, because they view things differently than you.


No not putting anyone down at all, simply asking a question. We see it here all day everyday that the genders know little about each other, that many learn their mistrust of the opposite gender from their parents. The question was to spark discussion on the potential longer term consequences of teaching children to mistrust and not be friends with the opposite gender.

My experience with 5 teenagers very much shows me that it is super important that kids grow up to be able to have healthy relationships with both genders. 

My response was to this quote


> Kids need to know that there ARE things that simply are not appropriate. Some adults do too, apparently.
> Yesterday 04:19 PM


 now that surely is a poster that is putting parents down that believe differently. 

If you do not want alternate POV then can you state that at the start of the thread next time.


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## EllisRedding

> If you do not want alternate POV then can you state that at the start of the thread next time.


Lol give me a break. Nowhere did I state no one could not share opinions different than mine. You made a statemental about long term consequences and I asked you to expand on ...


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## Holland

EllisRedding said:


> Lol give me a break. Nowhere did I state no one could not share opinions different than mine. You made a statemental about long term consequences and I asked you to expand on ...


LOL give me a break. You might want to reread your post, it sounds very much like you don't want opposing views.

And yep I did expand, do you have anything to add?


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## Brandy905

Just a thought, maybe this is something the kids decided without even checking with her parents. Wouldn't be the first time, my kids would ask to sleep at a friends house and the friend never asked the parent.


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## EllisRedding

Holland said:


> LOL give me a break. You might want to reread your post, it sounds very much like you don't want opposing views.
> 
> And yep I did expand, do you have anything to add?


Feel free to interpret my post any which way you would like, as wrong as you may be. I respect your opinion, but have no interest in getting into a pissing match with you or getting an angry PM sent my way.


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## EllisRedding

Going back to the original question, and where it is interesting, where do you draw the line? For example, a couple posters mentioned an age (I think 14) or mentioned puberty. Don't kids hit puberty at different ages, so what happens if maybe your son hasn't quite hit puberty but the OS friend has? Also, interesting point brought up by @SimplyAmorous with her example of having to consider the brothers.

No wrong or right answer, but something I imagine every parent has to deal with over time.


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## Holland

EllisRedding said:


> Feel free to interpret my post any which way you would like, as wrong as you may be. I respect your opinion, but have no interest in getting into a pissing match with you or getting an angry PM sent my way.


Huh, you must have me mixed up with someone else. I have never PMed you and in fact rarely use PM as most offline chat is done via private groups.

Take a chill pill man, you seem like a very angry person.


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## EllisRedding

Holland said:


> Huh, you must have me mixed up with someone else. *I have never PMed you* and in fact rarely use PM as most offline chat is done via private groups.
> 
> Take a chill pill man, you seem like a very angry person.


Seriously??? Like I said, not starting a pissing match, but my PM inbox begs to differ with the bolded. Since it was a PM I am not going to disclose the post, but yeah, you did PM me ....


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## Herschel

the guy said:


> I think it's weird at any age...I mean what are they going to do all night?
> 
> Play dress up or wrestle?
> 
> I mean are they going to play with Barbie's or GI Joes?
> 
> Are they going to watch the "Notebook" or "Transformers"
> 
> I guess when they are young they both could color and watch cartoons so once they grow out of crafts and Barnie I imagine it becomes a bad idea for this kind of thing.


This post is straight out of the 1950s.


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## Holland

EllisRedding said:


> Seriously??? Like I said, not starting a pissing match, but my PM inbox begs to differ with the bolded. Since it was a PM I am not going to disclose the post, but yeah, you did PM me ....


Oh good grief, you really must take this stuff seriously. So I went back through PMs and I see *that over a year ago * we had a PM exchange because you accused me of being a man hater when you had only been on TAM for a short while. As this is complete rubbish as shown by my many pro male and pro my man posts your accusation was a tad wacko.

Sorry to say none of this was important enough for me to have recalled it all happening over a year ago.

TFF this place is just the best :grin2:


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## EllisRedding

Holland said:


> Oh good grief, you really must take this stuff seriously. So I went back through PMs and I see *that over a year ago * we had a PM exchange because you accused me of being a man hater when you had only been on TAM for a short while. As this is complete rubbish as shown by my many pro male and pro my man posts your accusation was a tad wacko.
> 
> Sorry to say none of this was important enough for me to have recalled it all happening over a year ago.
> 
> TFF this place is just the best :grin2:


Lol, angry much ... I only recall b/c there are only two people here I have had PM conversations with consistently, and then there was the random PM from a member who seemed to be upset over a post of mine  . Oh well, life goes on.


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## Hope1964

Holland said:


> And what is inappropriate about kids spending time together? It only becomes inappropriate if adults put their paranoid and scared lens on it.
> Children learn from their parents and if their parents are showing them that a friend of the opposite gender is not appropriate what do people think the longer term consequences of that will be?
> 
> As a parent it is my job to teach my kids what is right and wrong and what normal boundaries are so when they do go to other peoples houses or to social events they are not socially awkward or inept. Hiding them from the world is a bad choice IMHO, preparing them for the world is giving them much more control.
> 
> My kids go to a co ed school where both genders are allowed to share tents on school camp. Never in over 8 years and 3 kids at the school has their ever been an issue.
> I went to a very strict all girls school, lots of very promiscuous stuff going on because the more you try and hold the boundaries too tightly the harder kids will work to fight against it.


Way to totally twist what I said.

I did not say that spending time together was inappropriate. I said that having a one-on-one co-ed sleepover was inappropriate. I did not say that having a friend of the opposite gender is inappropriate. If you're going to take exception to what I say, at least get what I say correct. Hiding them from the world???? Seriously??

Do your kids share tents one-on-one with kids of the opposite gender? 

I was raised in a strict Lutheran household where my parents went WAY overboard with the restrictions and hush-hush attitude about sex, but I refused to go to the exact opposite extreme with my kids. Neither extreme is healthy IMO.


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