# Very long post wife wanting to find happiness



## Paul Grey (Sep 9, 2011)

where to start?
A bit of a life story!
Met my wife 17 years ago, she was independent, fun loving, attractive and we could make each other laugh, we kept a long distance relationship going for over a year before we rented a place together, a year later we married. Over time I got to understand that she was from a broken family, her parents seperated and had several partners but still slept with each other on a regular basis despite being in new relationships themselves, both were heavy drinkers, and her mother was a little unstable with mental health problems, she later explained there was always the fear of debt collectors or social services coming round to take them away. Over time she explained in more detail her family life looking after her younger brothers and sisters, living in a house worse than you see on the TV programs, getting them organised for school trying to get them uniforms and cloth them and feed them even though she would have been about twelve herself, she explained that the scruffy smelly kid in the class was her and her siblings, the embarisment of going to school with no socks or underwear, not being able to get into the bathroom or kitchen for piles of rubbish and junk, or having to go and find them in the pub at night to get money for the eletric meter. She does have some positive memories as well.
However when I met my wife aged 21/22 she was the fun loving person who seemed to have a kind heart, and appeared happy to have improved herself.

She was very disappointed when her dad said he could not give her away at our wedding, his reason was he did not want a scene with her mum but in reality is was because his favourite was her sister where as her mum favoured her. Shortly afterwards our fist daughter was born we were happy, we were buying our own place in the south of England and both had good jobs i always wanted to be a dad and a "modern dad" so did all I could when not at work she was often tired or a bit down so I would cook, clean do night feeds and bath our daughter, (don't get me wrong she did her bit but not the way old fashion stay at home mums did things).
Our first crisis came out of the blue about six months to a year after our daughter was born she became very hostile to me, quite argumentative and after about three weeks i confronted her, she had had an affair,(she was and is a party person and as she was away from old friends and family went out regularly to make new friends and get out and have a break) I did not quiz her in detail about the affair it was to difficult to ask and hear about it, it was a brother of one of her new friends, i believe it was a one night thing after a night out she had stayed around at her friends that night, I think I regret not knowing all the facts but at the time I was taken aback especially when she explained her feelings towards the baby and life in general (PND but i did not no it at the time) what she was telling me was alien to me, thoughts of killing the baby, herself her low self esteem and worth and much more. One of my mistakes during her explination was when she asked was she a bad mum I hestitated which to this day i no bothers her. We did patch things up and i chose to forget about it entirley, until recently, we have never spoken about it since and i have never mentioned it.
Unfortunetly shortly afterwards her farther died of cancer aged about forty.

We continued in what i thought was a normal healthy and happy relationship, my wife fell pregnant again about 3 years later, while she was pregnant her mum fell ill and began treatment for cervical cancer one of the happiest and sadists days of my life was the day our second daughter was born and when I was phoning people to tell everyone her uncle stopped me mid sentance to say her mum had just died aged about fourty five, I chose to tell my wife that day when she was in hospital and we went home there and then to prepare for the funeral. My wifes recolection of events over the next few years is vauge but I did step up to the plate and did all I could to support her and her younger three siblings who would have been aged 8, 10 and 12 we jointly looked after them with her other sister who by this time was married without children, over time the sister took on the primary caring role.

Over the next six or seven years my wife had low spells and I would do more, and at other times she would have an apetite to live life to the full, we had ups and downs, to her storm I was calm to her fantasises and ideas I was her reason and rasional, and to facilitate her need to live life she would go out and party or join classes or activities, we did go out together and enjoyed the things we did. She was at her happiest when out of the house and to this day most people do not know she has this duel life most see her as happy go lucky, she has told me things she would tell no one else and to most of her friends she is the outgoing confident person, but I see her the next day after a night out, hungover racked with self guilt about spending to much money being unwell leaving me to do things she should be doing, and again I never encourage this guilt i say so long as she had a good night and she is happy i am ok. I did often worry and was concerned about her nights out and would wait up till her return she would enthusiastically tell me of her fun night out and often this was a pleasure as she was so happy. Her occassional critism with me was that I was always content with what I had, I was not adventerous or spontanious enough and that I did not support her and sometimes the children in the right way. her pesonality and life is one of stress and road rage saying before thinking where as mine is one of thoughtful deliberation which she sometime mistook for uncaring example daughter comes home after being pushed over at school wife in uproar going to go straight to the school see the kids parents where as i am more find the facts, so it was at playtime what happened it was a game of tag, he tagged you and you fell. She often says that in a crisis i am quick, organised and supportive ie heating breaks down or child is really bullied at school or other events yet she feels that for every day things I am to laid back what colour should we paint this room, how should the garden be laid out, I don't really mind so long as it is clean and fresh, she is the creative one where as I am often the laborer and we will jointly do it together, me following her creative lead. She can be impatient we need to paint this room, ok I have two days off next week and we are not doing anything we will do it then only to get home that evening and see the job halfway done and the house trashed, which generally raises her stress levels and she has done the job mainly by herself, and the job drags out for several days.
She is the sort of person that when I buy flowers or chocolates for which I do often she is pleased but if any of her friends or neighbors are around she positively glows, a show thing.

It was during this time that my wife and I discovered a patteren during the winter months she seemed to be low and during the summer on hot sunny days she was on top form when in the house she was low but when out again she was happy, more inexpensive holidays or camping or even long walks and when we could a foreign holidays just after christmas appeared to work. She did see the doctor but medication did not agree with her or she did not agree with it, so lots of self help books read.
Out of the blue came a desire to move closer to her family 300 miles North, she did not like x,y,z about where we lived we had lived close to my family for ten years and she felt by moving she could have a similar relationship with her more distant relatives, we spent almost a year looking, we started looking together and as time went on she would go for weeks at a time to search, while I had to work after using up all my holiday leave eventually she found somewhere and my second big mistake was agreeing on the place without seeing it, I had seen the details, read about the village area and schools and afirmed that i trusted her opinion, I saw the house a few weeks later after the process of buying it was started. To this day my wife feels that I should have been more activly involved, and i have learnt this.
We moved her family did not see us any more than previously and she did not develop better relationships with them where as my parents visited every month for the first year and every other month since just to see us and their grandchildren. 
We enjoyed our new house together, my parents visits gave us the opportunity to go as a couple monthly and she met up with old school friends weekly to go out with them.

unplanned yet still loved our third daughter was born aware of PND took up my supportive and active role which was appreciated, wife still happiest and had a deep need to get out of the house so joined more classes and activities, she had been a stay at home mum for about ten years by this stage so continued to expressed a need to have a break when i got home from work. Often she would go back to bed in the evening to reduce her stress levels or PND, wanted away from baby and kids, often not sleeping well at night.
Two years pass and still I am happy, wife is mostly happy, then she changes and has remained changed for an extended period of time about two years, I put this down to lack of summer and extended bad weather, no foreign holidays due to lack of funds, in a lower paid job, my family visiting slightly less often so we go out less. We then seem only to have sex when she has been on a night out but this is not pleasant I explain that she has passed out half way through or she hurts me and I show her the scratches the last occassion she bit my face so hard it bled and she said she would not have sex when drunk again. Which now means infrequently, we mainly had sex when she was on a high after a night out about twice week. Any other time she was so unhappy in herself she could not and would often feel ill.
I see she is unhappy constantly i am trying to do more asking what I can do but nothing, she says she is looking for happiness, she is worried about her own mortality due to parents young deaths, is confussed on how to deal with children as she wants to have a good and friendly relationship with them, she thinks she should have achieved or would have more than she has at this stage of her life, comparing herself to others. we have and still talk about every day things appart from how she feels or wants in life, she is still disappointed that I am pleased with what we have, I say people always comment on how good the children are how nice the house is how well turned out we all are.

She has difficulty in maintaing friends in general, two of her old school friends who had a similar upbringing to her remain close, even when she lived a long way away and they socialse often, one is ok but is going through a long divorce the other who is married goes on internet websites to meet people for sex, my wife is disgusted saying she is no more than a prostitute, yet they have all been friends for a long time and she has been supported by them when she was growing up so can overlook this.

During a low spell this year end of winter, they went out together on a night out, all stayed over at our house and the next day my wife is chatting with them about their good night out while I am in the kitchen getting breackfast, then they all start talking about the men they snooged the night before, I stop my ears prick up and my heart sinks, my wife is talking about the man she was snogging. I can't do anything and freeze and am numb thinking off all the regular nights out she has had with her friends, it takes a few days for me to compose myself and speak to her, she denies it, then says it was just fun, it meant nothing, I explained that we were often not physically close and how could she kiss a stranger but find it difficult to kiss me. We discussed seperation but she did not want anyone else and despite everything I still loved her. I was saddended that she was not sorry for the snogging just sorry that I was upset, she strongly beleived that this was ok and I could do the same if I am out, I would still come home to her. We discussed this and I explained this was not ok or normal behaviour but not sure she fully took it on board, I asked to behave in the same way as if I were with her. A few weeks later she says I am going to organise a weeks foreign holiday with these girls, she explained about not having the opportunity to do this when she was younger, I said if she had a real need to do this I would agree, but it transpires it was a test of trust. After that she came to bed naked, over the last two years always wears Pj's she huffed and puffed all night, next evening talk, why did you not have sex with me, Im not a mind reader nothing to go on, no fun, sexy talk, touching or flirting.

I decide I need to no more so check messages on phone and facebook chats over the last two years, and find really upsetting things, "I just cant be a**ed with him anymore", "I hope he finds someone else", "I need to sort my head out" to a younger single friend "You have to be more confident and braissen like i was on our night out, start with chatting and you saw where it got me, even if they were ugly" In addition one of her friends is talking her into a forsome meetings from an internet dating sex site, wifes responce "EEEEKKKK we will see, will see you Thursday anyway after you've seen to the guy and will call and organise it tomorrow".
I talk to her, she crumbles and cries, as she does when we chat, saying I am so good with words and she is not, I twist things I am to intense, I dont support her right, I do not trust her, the problems must all be her. 
I later remember the chat with her friend inviting her over Thursday, I can recall on that day when I got home from work wife says she had been in all day and needed a rest so went to bed skipped dinner said she needed to get out so went shopping, and then back to bed. I no she had gone somewhere during the day on that Thursday as for some gut reason I was also checking on the car millage which on that day was 75 miles during the day exactly the same round journey to her friend. I did not discuss this as it would surmount to lack of trust and admitting more snooping, she has not spoken to this fiend of her own choice since then about three months. dont no what this means and dont no if she saw her friend in the morning with this guy of guys or in the afternoon as an innocent chat, Probably chat but I think something scared her on that day or jolted her that day to avoid contact.

We seemed to be going along fine for several months both trying harder her to talk and explain herself and feelings and me to listen then i come across disturbing content on the internet history which I no is her starting "how to meet people", then "Dating websites", "Facebook dating applications", "Blacburry datting applications", "Meet people for sex on Facebook", "UK Sin" and about ten more similar. I then think is this why she has been on about buying a Blackburry for the last few weeks?
I was snooping so did not feel I could say anything as this could just be her release or fantasy, I discovered she recently registered on facebook are you interested, (Click on my picture if you like me and I will click on people i Like).

Other things
I have over the years increased my awareness of how she is, her moods and behaviors.
When she buys clothes she will often buy size 14,16 when she is a size 10/12 thinking she is bigger than she is.
When going on a night out and is dressed up I says she looks great but says I have to say this as we are married? When she admits she looks great she says I do it for you, yet I am not with her?
She always seems to have menstrual problems, pains and aches, during period, ovulation, the pill does not agree with her, when i research the symptoms it is possibly ovarian cysts or Clamidia, she is reluctant to go to the doctor for advice and I think her mothers illness and her morality scares her.
She says when she is low why dont I make her get help and I say that I try but she will not go and when I have seen the doctor without her he just asks is she a danger to herself or others, no, well he can do nothing.
About three nights a week she wakes or has a disturbed night bad dreams and anxiety, she often will not tell me what they are but I believe they are about bad things happening to our children, I can say very little to reassure her but hug her and try to say soothing words.
Over the years at times she has suffered from panic attacks and anxiety.
She will not go to counselling as she has told very few people about her childhood and even her close friends and sometimes I think I dont no it all or what her life was like growing up.
She has a fear of getting pregnant in reality PND and when i offer to get the snip she says if that happens she will want a babby knowing that she cant or what will I do if something happens to her or us and I want more children, I strongly say that wont happen.
My wife is enraged that my dad favors my two sisters rather than me and my brother, It does not bother me as I no he struggles to show his emotions to other men, I have lots of found memories of growing up in a loving home and he is kind and generous to my daughters.
This year my sister had a baby and my wife was going through a lower than normal patch she opened up to express that for some reason she was jealous of her I was able to say the right thing and this seemed to comfort her, again being supportive in a crisis.
Please dont think that she is always unhappy she has many many good days and we are often like best friends and can talk a lot and are kind and friendly to one another.
If after a couple of months without sex and I try to be flirtatious, romantic or suggestive throughout the day and that night suggest sex she will often say no, in the past she has said I should go else where for it, so long as I came home. This I have never done and have never strayed, although over recent times I do think what my life would be like without her, would i get custody of the children, would it be ok to find someone just to hug me, but quickly suppress these thoughts as my priority is to my wife and children and doing this would surly end our marriage.

I started to write this post because she has a list of things she wants to do including buy a bigger house, which she constantly searches for, start her own business, buy a newer car, and recapture some of her missed opportunities as a child all things she thinks will bring her happiness. She is at a week long music festival this week, never done this and always wanted to, with my sister and one of her younger single friends, not a problem until she talks about wanting to act like shes 17 again, no children and no responsibilities, wanting to be a hippie for the week etc.. I would have loved to have gone with her but its the children s 1st week back at school and no chance of finding a childminder for a whole week. Before she goes away she is talking on the phone to her sister i am in the next room and overhear her say the reason they are taking separate tents is because this young friend is a lesbian and has a bit of a crush on her, wife is not that way inclined, but she also says she may have the opportunity and need to have her own privacy. I think this is her normal sisterly rivalry and getting one over each other that they do about other things all the time.
I then foolishly reread her old text messages and old facebook chat, many of the offending items are now deleted but some are still there I then become a wash with anxiety and worry all over again. I am comforted when she leaves as we joke, she had been saying for weeks she would flash her boobs at a famous pop star from her youth that she had a mad crush on and I say that I would not mind so long as she was on the front row and she says they are staying put requiring scafolding to get them out, plus I joke he will be about 55 or 60 by now so make sure he has his glasses on. I say I wish I was going with her but even without me she should have a good time and next time we will organise an event like this together.
None the less I phone my sister and ask her just to keep an eye out, Do I have trust issues?
I then speak to my other sister, we are all very close, she has some ideas of what my wife is like and she believes I should not snoop, or should tune out of what she says or does as without knowledge I would not worry, what do I hope to achieve anyway, no evidence of actual affairs, I can not make her happy, she needs to find it herself. 
In the two days it has taken me to compose this I already feel calmer she has called regularly to update me on what she is seeing and what events are taking place, our hose is running smoothly children helping each other and eldest daughter offering to cook everyones dinner last night.

I started writing as I wanted advise, others must have a similar story, or understand at least some of these issues .
Really anything would be helpful.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Paul

You wife is clearly leading a secret life and it's that life's toll on her emotionally that is likely at the root of your problems 

It clearly sounds like she is a serial cheater who has surrounded herself with people who enable and support thus behavior. 

You have played the role of nice guy doormat. 

You should post your story over in infidelity section you will get a lot of help with ways to expose her secret life and try to end it. Understand that this secret life must end before your marriage and her can begin to get better. 

Right now she is a social cheater who is also angry and upset because of her actions but also deeply disappointed in you not being the man to catch het and stop her. She doesn't respect you and she doesn't respect herself. 

Expose the cheating. Demand it ends demand she is transparent and honest to you and that you both go to therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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