# ignoring signs and gut feelings



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Hi to all
married 20+ years and over the years have occasionally had suspicions spouse not telling truth about stuff but ignored these doubts telling myself that my fears are the result of the fact that my only other serious relationship ended when I found out he was cheating. 

On one or two occasions in the past I have confronted my husband about things that don't add up - he denied furiously very put out that I would ever doubt him and as I had no proof that was that and life went on. 

I am at a point now where I again have strong doubts and am contemplating a PI to get to the truth so I can either trust him or break free, even though this would break my heart. I hate the idea of snooping but feel I have no choice and would like your advice please on how to go about this and any experiences.


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

More than anything fear of exposing myself to a life changing or threatening std is fueling me. So often you hear of people saying they knew something wasn't right for a long time prior but they did nothing and lived to regret it.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Trust your gut, it may take a long time for a PI to find or not find anything, have a number of items running at the same time e.g if he drives a lot hide a VAR (voice activated recorder in his car), check his phone bills, look for missing text messages, is he on the PC often then load a keylogger, tread cautiously you do not want to arouse his suspicion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Definitely listen to your gut feelings. Before you go sinking a lot of money in a PI, first do some basic detective work yourself. The above suggestion are good.

The first rule is that a cheater lies. And if you pay close attention, you can gain clues from what your spouse is saying. I got to the point I could even slip questions in to hang my husband.

Cheaters love to use friends and family as alibis. For example, my husband stated on at least five occasions he was going to his parents house for the weekend. Yet, at a function the MIL told my husband to come see them sometime--they hadn't seen him in six months. That was a good one! If your husband is saying he is out with friends or family, try to verify that.

Pull a complete credit report for you and your husband. See if there are any accounts you know nothing about. I found that my husband had all kinds of hidden accounts. After all he had to have some way to pay for his activities without me seeing the expenses.

Hope you find answers before it drives you nuts.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Yes, your gut instinct is very rarely ever wrong because you know your husband, you know the way he normally acts, you know is normal routine. When you start seeing the red flags, it is time to investigate.

You can do a little surveillance without the added expenditure of a PI right now. Get a good quality keylogger, this will help you determine if he has any secret email accts, social networking accts that you don't know of. This will also enable you access to the online cell phone accounts if you don't already have access. Check to see if he has been calling or texting a particular number. If you have physical access to the phone, go thru the contacts list. Very often, cheaters will list their AP under a friends name, or a work number, etc. Also, you may be able to track his movements using the GPS feature in his cell phone.

Get a good quality VAR, some are good ones at $40 at Best Buy or Wal Mart, and use industrial strength velcro and stick it under the drivers seat. Cheaters very often feel that their most secure place to talk to their AP is in their vehicle. This will help determine if he is using his normal cell phone to talk to her, or has a secret cell phone.

Just be aware that the most common tools of cheating are the secret email account and the secret cell phone.


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Thank you ALL so much for your responses. Yes, it makes sense to look into the less costly options first and take it from there and see what comes up. I so hope I am wrong about all this but I really do need to know. 

Due to a looming family crisis, unconnected to the cheating suspicions, I can feel my resolve to investigage slipping at this point - I can barely believe I am procrastinating but not sure if I can deal with infidelity at this point if my suspicions prove correct.But at the same time I know I have to do this now or never. 

Thanks again for confirming that a gut feeling is usually spot on.

J


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Ignoring those gut feels and living in denial is the hardest thing. It sets your soul free to know the truth. As bad as it was to finally have definitive proof my estranged husband was cheating, it felt so good to finally know the TRUTH. Hope you get to that place very soon.


----------



## Steve2408 (May 13, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Trust your gut, it may take a long time for a PI to find or not find anything, have a number of items running at the same time e.g if he drives a lot hide a VAR (voice activated recorder in his car), check his phone bills, look for missing text messages, is he on the PC often then load a keylogger, tread cautiously you do not want to arouse his suspicion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Doing it yourself may seem a good idea BUT if your partner finds out your planting items such as VAR or key loggers it will do far more harm than good, Whereas if you have a PI do the tracking for you yes it will cost on average £200 but the PI will be very discrete and not be seen, or any equipment they deploy found.
Your biggest issue should you decide to either DIY or hire a PI is to act normally throughout


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

827Aug said:


> ...... It sets your soul free to know the truth. As bad as it was to finally have definitive proof my estranged husband was cheating, it felt so good to finally know the TRUTH. .................


After pushing down so many doubts I think it should be a relief, even if its bad news.


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Steve2408 said:


> Doing it yourself may seem a good idea BUT if your partner finds out your planting items such as VAR or key loggers it will do far more harm than good, Whereas if you have a PI do the tracking for you yes it will cost on average £200 but the PI will be very discrete and not be seen, or any equipment they deploy found.
> Your biggest issue should you decide to either DIY or hire a PI is to act normally throughout


Did anyone ever feel guilty about the snooping befoe finding out the truth either way. I myself have nothing to hide but I really value my privacy. But then how else can you find out the truth. 


regarding acting normally I'm telling myself "innocent until proven guilty" in order to keep myself acting normally.


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

RWB said:


> Joan,
> 
> ..... All I had to do early on was look. I didn't want to believe. My wife took that as an invitation to cheat. She even told me that she felt I just didn't care. ........


I think often times we don't question or confront because we know we have no proof. But they know this too, and so I'm wondering if carrying on an A on this grounds is just a convenient way of excusing the behaviour and shifting the blame.


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Really, thank you all so much for sharing. 

Even if I can't respond to every point I will try to bear all that is said in mind.


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

There are a lot of ways to catch your cheater but please remember some may be illegal in most states. There are invasion of privacy laws that should be considered.

Many companies will advertise tools to catch cheaters. Although it is legal to sell the products, it may not be legal to use them as advertised. You may want to check w an attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Steve2408 (May 13, 2011)

joan888 said:


> Really, thank you all so much for sharing.
> 
> Even if I can't respond to every point I will try to bear all that is said in mind.


Where in the world are you Joan? just wondering if your in the uk? If so I may be able to put you onto someone that can help,
Right I'm up at this silly-o-clock hr to go place a tracker on a cheating wifes vehicle,
in case anyone thinks thats a bit OTT I should explain that I'm a pi,
hope you all have a good day


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Steve - I am currently UK based. Can you give any general guidelines about how to select a good PI to gather needed pl?


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Start with a VAR , it is a lot cheaper and often pays off within a week or so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Thanks for the advice Eli zor. I will look be looking into this.


----------



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

on a side note, if acting normally is the thing to do whilst gathering evidence, what do you do about intimacy. I'd rather not and wonder if others feel the same and if you avoid how do you go about avoiding. I went through the motions when he approached me this morning for all sorts, but it's not what I want. :scratchhead::scratchhead:


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The issue you face is if he is involved with someone else physically they often do not use protection, until you are certain you are in a spot, I guess a straight no will have to do or the I am not feeling up to it etc..

Be patient with gathering evidence, if he is in an affair and has hidden it so well after all these years he has become quite a master, you will have to dig , probe , change schedules, pop into his work unannounced. He may be using the work systems to communicate , there are a mountain of options. 

If he uses the home PC get a keylogger like 

Spectra - Sprectra Pro by SpectorSoft

or read this link for tips 

Keylogger Programs - Marriage Builders® Forums

You may need the administrator password of the PC, or ensure you have administration equivalent then change the admin password. Have an excuse why and act dumb. 

Take your time if he is in an affair he will slip up


----------



## Steve2408 (May 13, 2011)

joan888 said:


> Steve - I am currently UK based. Can you give any general guidelines about how to select a good PI to gather needed pl?


Hi Joan, 
Sorry for the delay, Been working away on a job, 
If you let me know the area your in that would help, I know PI's in most counties, The key to getting good service is to have a PI that specializes in matrimonial work asposed one the does a little but is mainly a process server for incidence, 
I'd suggest you don't put to many details on the forums if you suspect your partner may be looking at them too, 
Give me a call or drop me a email contact details are on my web site Panther Investigations - Home 
I'll try and help where i can 
Steve


----------

