# I'm no longer enabling her affair



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Okay, 
My WW refuses to give up contact with the OM. The divorce process has been started but takes a long time here in VA. I have had my lawyer draft my separation agreement and she has had her lawyer draft hers. They are nowhere near each other and some mediation/negotiation is going to be required. That is beside the point. Right now there are no court orders in effect governing custody or property division. To help my WW overcome her alcohol and OM addiction(alcohol drives desire for OM, she has no desire for him when she is not drinking), I propose the following. I'm looking to see what others think to make sure I am not too far off base.

1. She does not get a car. I own both cars in my name only. I will take her to and from work.
2. No alcohol in the home since she cannot control her drinking.
3. She has 2 weeks to get off the fence and decide if she wants the marriage or OM. She has agreed to MC. 
4. No going to bars alone or with girlfriends as she cannot control her desire to flirt when she's drunk. 
5. She agrees to NC with OM. If I notice contact with OM on the cell phone or she guards it too closely, I take the SIM card from the phone, disabling it. My phone is available for inspection at all times. 
6. We have each other's passwords to FB/email, etc. 

Failuire of boundaries 2,4, or 5 results in filing of contested divorce to have her removed from the home or myself and the kids move out.

Failure of boundaries 3 or 6 will result in the continuation of the uncontested divorce. Failure of boundary 1 is not possible since the keys are locked up off site. Thoughts?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

she'll need a lot more help with her alcoholism than that


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Clairification, 
Am I wrong to deny her a car to prevent her from easily seeing OM?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Have you thought about going to AL-ANON, to help you deal with her drinking issues?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> Clairification,
> Am I wrong to deny her a car to prevent her from easily seeing OM?



I think denying a car so she can't drink and drive is reason enough!


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

@strugglinghusband - No, I have not been to ALANON yet but we both have been to AA and she will not commit to going to meetings. 
@almostrecovered - I agree no car due to alcohol abuse and OM is a side issue right now.

I do feel somewhat bad about denying her transportation but I feel it's for the best right now. She has two outstanding DV charges resulting from alcohol.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'm not sure what the point of all this is.

She won't stop seeing the OM just divorce her and move on.

The only boundaries you should be concerned with are those that deal with the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No dice.

I wouldn't offer her rides to work, I wouldn't offer her MC. I wouldn't offer her anything for the fact the affair is STILL happening and she refuses to give up contact with him.

Why are you negotiating with her on anything?

File, have her served and be done.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> No dice.
> 
> I wouldn't offer her rides to work, I wouldn't offer her MC. I wouldn't offer her anything for the fact the affair is STILL happening and she refuses to give up contact with him.
> 
> ...


This.

She is addicted to OM and alcohol.

You dont negotiate with addicts.

read this


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> @strugglinghusband - No, I have not been to ALANON yet but we both have been to AA and she will not commit to going to meetings.
> 
> _Al-Anon will help you deal with her, you cant save her, an addict will take everyone around them down, just like a drowing person, I say this because I was once one, Addicts it's always about us._
> 
> ...


_Both car's in your name, ok she goes out gets drunk, crashes kills someone, guess what you may be held accountable insurance wise, and the fact that you know she drinks and drives, how would you feel if that happened and did not do your best to prevent it?_[/I]


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The only thing I disagree with is the car thing. Just because they're in your name doesn't necessarily make them "yours alone". Unless they were bought by you fully before you married, they're communal property of the marriage. And she's an adult, capable of making her own decisions. And paying for her mistakes, if she makes them. After all, why should you be her chauffeur? Isn't that a pain in the ass for you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

@strugglinghusband - Thanks for the insight. I agree no car until in some form of treatment (AA and 30 days sober). I would obviously feel HORRIBLE if she killed herself or someone else in an accident when I knew she would be drinking and driving. No car.

@pbear - The cars were both purchased by me, with my money, after the marriage. Marital property does not mean I have to let her use it at her whim, it just means she can get it in a divorce if she chooses to pay the astronomical sum to file one and have me served. She is an adult but acting like a child. Again, no car until OM free and alcohol free. I cannot in good conscience give her a car to use for drink drining and adultery.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why give her a ride to work---let her take public transportation------stop keeping her in fantasyland---give her TOTAL reality.---which includes her paying half of ALL bills, that have anything to do with the marital relationship


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

@pitofmystomach - Thank you for the read, good advice. No negotitation with her at all. I cannot legally throw her out, but I don't have to give her anything either. She can call OM for a ride to work!


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

@jnjexpress - I wish I could have her pay half of all bills but she makes minimum wage. We have 3 kids who need a roof over their head, clothes to wear and food to eat. I can go after her for child support though.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Can you possibly get some type of emergency temporay custody of the kids? the unfit mother thing, 2 DUI charges, drinking issues etc, would make things easier on the back end if you can get that now to protect your kids, and worry about child support issues later once you establish primary custody.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

On the DUI stuff alone you have good cause to restrict her access to cars.

You could consider removing her from your insurance - it would drop your $ and remove her legal ability to drive the car. Think before you do this as it might be hard to put her back on later, but it is an option.

Your list should include her seeking treatment for drinking especially after two DUI
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

@strugglinghusband - First custody hearing is on March 9th so that is in progress.

@shaggy - I have thought about dropping her from my insurance so she has to pay her own. She does drink and drive alot but has not been caught yet. Her access to cars is gone for the time being. Our mutual friends agree with this decision. This has the side effect of limiting contact with OM as well. 2 birds with 1 stone. 

Clarification - She does not have 2 DUI charges, but 2 Domestic Violence charges, stemming from alcohol abuse.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Married in VA said:


> @strugglinghusband - Thanks for the insight. I agree no car until in some form of treatment (AA and 30 days sober). I would obviously feel HORRIBLE if she killed herself or someone else in an accident when I knew she would be drinking and driving. No car.
> 
> @pbear - The cars were both purchased by me, with my money, after the marriage. Marital property does not mean I have to let her use it at her whim, it just means she can get it in a divorce if she chooses to pay the astronomical sum to file one and have me served. She is an adult but acting like a child. Again, no car until OM free and alcohol free. I cannot in good conscience give her a car to use for drink drining and adultery.


Just offering my opinions... I'm not a lawyer, and obviously your jurisdiction may be different than mine.

Around here, as far as I know, there is no "my money" in a marriage. After all, I brought in 95% of the money into my marriage, simply because my wife was a stay-at-home mom for a significant chunk of it, and even when she was working, she makes about 10% of what I do. Does this mean that I own both our vehicles, most of the equity in the house, and all our belongings? No, that's all split 50/50. So just like you can't kick her out of the house, I don't see how you can deny her access to either of the vehicles. She also should have access to any joint funds in your bank accounts, and your lawyer should be able to direct you on that, too.

If you're concerned about how she's going to use it, put one of them in her name, get your insurance split up, and she's on her own. I'm sure your lawyer can draw up a document that absolves you of responsibility for her actions. And if she's going to cheat on you again, she's going to do it regardless of whether she has a vehicle at her disposal or not. You're also not her guardian, responsible for protecting her from her own actions (with regards to drunk driving). If you are doing it because you'd "feel horrible if she killed herself or someone else", how long are you going to continue to protect her from herself? You should be doing whatever you need to RIGHT NOW to separate yourself from her actions, whether it's drinking and driving, racking up your credit cards, etc.

What does your lawyer say about not giving her a vehicle, or access to one? The next question, if my lawyer said that I could do that, would be "Well, can she fight me for it and win?". If so, the only one who's going to win that battle are the lawyers. But if you're doing it just to punish her, carry on. I can't blame you for that.

And as an FYI, it will take all of about 15 minutes for her to get a new cell phone and e-mail addresses that you know nothing about and don't have access to. So don't get too comfy with feeling you've got their communication channels covered.

C


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

@pbear - My concerns are two fold. One, I don't want her to drink and drive with our vehicles. If she wants to go out, she can call a friend and go. Two - There is an element of punishment there as well for the PA. Giving her a car enables the PA and her alcoholism. Not something that is in my best interests. I have thought about and may split up the insurances so she cannot legally drive the car anymore and require her to get her own insurance, registration, etc. That is more effective than simply denying her access.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Its a mistake to take her off your insurance because if she gets access to your, what may be jointly owned property, get drunk and runs into a bunch of kids getting on a school bus, you're likely to be held liable for the damages. I may be smarter to transfer ownership in one of the vehicle to her. Discuss this with your attorney. I teach law but I'm not familiar with Virginia code. 

As far as the WW, its like my late great uncle, the Reverend Jacob Kraft would say to you, " God will forgive her. You should forgive her and then get rid of her my Son."


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Married in VA said:


> @pbear - My concerns are two fold. One, I don't want her to drink and drive with our vehicles. If she wants to go out, she can call a friend and go. Two - There is an element of punishment there as well for the PA. Giving her a car enables the PA and her alcoholism. Not something that is in my best interests. I have thought about and may split up the insurances so she cannot legally drive the car anymore and require her to get her own insurance, registration, etc. That is more effective than simply denying her access.


Again, just my opinion, and you should get legal advice... You didn't mention what your lawyer said about your ideas, BTW.

I would do the insurance split regardless, if it's a concern for you. You don't want to be responsible if she rents or borrows another vehicle anyway. I don't know who's responsible legally if she was to get in an accident in a rented car, for instance, but I'd want to make sure it's not me. Again, protect yourself.

C


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

married, as someone who's been sober for almost 8 years, i can say for a fact that you cannot force soberity on someone. i can see what you are tring to do(give youselves a fighting chance)
but all you going to end up with is someone who is just fooling you till the times right.myself, i can't figure out why you would even want her back after 2 dv charges.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I just read your other threads.

There is no grey area here. None. Your "wife" is an abusive cheating drunk, she is a addict and a user. She only cares about herself and her "fixes" whatever those happen to be.... 

You have to take a hard look in the mirror and realize your being abused. Physically, emotionally and mentally. That abuse is taking a toll and it shows. How much her abuse has already spilled over into your daughters lives you haven't mentioned, but it has and it will escalate. You don't have any idea what kind of emotional damage is being done to them by witnessing this.

You're making this far to easy on her. You are shielding her from the natural consequences of her actions. By shielding her, you are exposing your children to the fallout of her addictions and her behavior. 

Your marriage is over.

No negotiating. Put the hammer down and get out of the way. Protect yourself and protect your girls.

She's gotta save herself, and learn her own lessons. She _needs_ heavy consequences. That's the only therapy thats going to work.

I'm sorry for your pain, but you could also use a hard dose of reality here.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

If the cars are in your name, and she drives drunk and injures someone, you may be named in the lawsuit, regardless of insurance. I'd not let her use my car under these circumstances.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

jUST MAKE SURE SHE HAS NO ACCESS TO THE CARS---SHE COULD HURT SOMEONE, AND YOU KNOW IT---AND YOUR LIFE WOULD BE OVER, AS YOU ARE TIED TO her thru comm. property

As to money---give her bills for half of everything from now on including---all types of insurance coverage, and car, and house mtg.---she must therefore contribute her whole check to cover her half, and keep track of what she is short on paying, her part of the debt, and that becomes part of the property settlement, upon D.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

@pitofmystomach - Thanks for the hard reality lesson. Points well taken.

@jnjexpress - She will have no access to cars until a settlement agreement is in place absolving me of all responsibility of whatever she does. She asked to use the car tonight. The answer is no.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

If she refuses to stop contact with the OM, then all you're doing is trying to patch holes in a sinking ship. 

She'll find ways to contact him, and to see him, and to get drunk.

You can't control her, and the harder you try.. well I was going to write, the more you'll push her away but she's already having an affair so you can't push her much further than that.

You're trying to play God and you don't have the influence or the legal right. 

I suggest you refocus your efforts on the divorce and protecting your assets to the best of your ability not try to prevent her from doing things she'll do anyway.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

To get out of liability ask your lawyer about an immediate legal separation. I think that make her solely liable if she has a wreck. She may sneak in and take your keys. In her state she is especially liabel to be in an accident if she gets loose.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is a train wreck. You don't have a marriage. She moved in with the first guy she met at a bar and stayed with for a month right? Then he kicked her out and she came back. You don't have a marriage. Get out before she drags you into this pile of sh!t

i was confused a little when I read your first post. i thought they were terms for her divorce...Don't even think about R

no marriage here. Move on


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