# I'm in a state of confusion



## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

And before I even write this I know that I'm an idiot. But here goes anyway.

7 years ago was D-Day for my wife and I. She had an affair and I had caught her in a big lie and she ended up confessing it to me. We decided to reconcile and have actually had a better marriage than we ever did before. But I still have movies and flashbacks of everything and it still hurts. Then, about 2 years ago, a friend of ours came to us and told us that her husband had been having an affair for the past 5-6 years. She wanted to keep her family together so she was wanting to reconcile. So we decided to help them. In this time, my wife never said anything to this woman. But I started having very strong feelings for her because we had both been cheated on. It didn't hurt any that she is very attractive. Of course this brought back the memories of my wife's affair and the movies increased again. I thought that these things along with my feeling for her would pass, but they haven't. About a year later, she found out that her husband was playing her and was still with his affair partner so now she is in the process of divorcing him, which yes, has taken a year and is still not over. 

Well my feelings for her have only increased to the point where I can honestly say that I'm in love with her. We have not done anything except funny memes (nothing dirty) back and forth and we are mildly flirty when together. And I mean very mild. I try very hard to keep my distance. If I go by her house for anything, I make sure to stay on the front porch and talk to her at the door, or if I go inside, I make sure to stand by the door so I can be seen by people outside (we live in a very small, nosey town). The problem is that I think about her ALL of the the time. I can't shake it. I love her. I'm happier when I'm around her. But I love my wife too. But yet it's different. I don't know how to explain it. And my wife has done her part in reconciliation so there's really nothing I can hold against her there either. I am in misery because I want to be with her so bad it hurts, but yet I know that it's wrong. I don't even know if she would want any part of me. Like I said, I'm an idiot. I just needed to get this off of my chest I guess.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jdub said:


> I just needed to get this off of my chest I guess.


No, what you need is to cut this woman out of your life and stop playing with fire.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

bobert said:


> No, what you need is to cut this woman out of your life and stop playing with fire.


That will be hard. She is one of my wife's best friends.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jdub said:


> That will be hard. She is one of my wife's best friends.


She won't be when you tell your wife you have feelings for her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jdub said:


> That will be hard. She is one of my wife's best friends.


Tell the other betrayed wife that if she does get divorced you know someone that would love to 'properly' get together with her.

When she asks 'who', just say, "You may know the guy".
Then, smile and walk away.

If she feels the same way, the fuse is lit.

Follow your heart, but get divorced before making a move.


........................................................

Does this girl friend know that your wife cheated on you?




_Are Dee-_


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Tell the other betrayed wife that if she does get divorced you know someone that would love to 'properly' get together with her.
> 
> When she asks 'who', just say, "You may know the guy".
> Then, smile and walk away.
> ...


No she doesn’t know that my wife cheated.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jdub said:


> She is one of my wife's best friends.


All the more reason for you to cut the crap now. If this develops into a full-blown affair - and that's going to happen the way things are proceeding - you will not only have trashed your marriage, you'll have trashed the friendship your wife has with her friend.

So if you're just her to vent, go ahead. But you are playing with fire and you know it.

And as difficult as it may seem to avoid this woman, you could make it a point to only see her when your wife is around. No texting, no memes, no flirting (mild or otherwise). Please don't make yourself out to be the hapless victim of your emotions. You can control them.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You appear to have brushed your wife’s affair under the carpet and now subconsciously feel like you are entitled to a hall pass.
You’re not.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Talk to your wife. Tell her you feel distant from her. You are thinking about the possibility of a life with someone else. You love her, but the pull for someone new is strong. I have no idea how she will react, but you are in trouble because you are torn between two women. 

The friend may not even be ready for romance yet. You would be her rebound. Is that what you want? Why would you want to hurt a woman who went through your pain and her marriage didn’t survive and ended? Analyze this. Therapy would be a good option for you.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Jdub said:


> That will be hard. She is one of my wife's best friends.


You think it will be hard because you want to make it hard. Stope seeing this woman without your wife's company. Your strong feelings for this woman are due to the fact that you are both victims of cheating spouses, but your wife did everything to regain your love and trust and you say you love her. Sounds to me that your emotions to the other woman are going to fade once you cheat on your wife with her (and this is going to happen if you keep exchanging memes and going to her house by yourself). Stay faithful to your wife and cut all individual contact with this woman. Otherwise, you are bound to regret anything you will do with her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Tough situation.

Would your girlfriend like you once she knows that you are in a way cheating on your wife? (I’m going to call her that, it’s what she is, let’s make this really real)

The heart wants what the heart wants. Come clean to both women. So that your girlfriend knows that you are married but you’re in love with her. Then she can grapple with having left a cheater, to find that a cheater is in love with her. 

And also tell your wife, so that she knows her husband is in love with her best friend. 

None of this is said in judgement, I am writing out clear facts, and outlining your responsibilities, and acknowledging your love. 

Read over all of these facts again and again. 

How do you feel reading this? Angry? Justified? Guilty? 

Denial? 

In love, or very unhappy?

When faced with what I’ve told you to do, that is, come clean to both women about your feelings… are you responsible enough to act on these feelings?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Jdub said:


> No she doesn’t know that my wife cheated.


Why not? Everyone in your primary and maybe even secondary circle should know. You should have disclosed to everyone close to both of you at the time of her affair. 
Doesn’t sound like reconciled, sounds like you just swept your wife’s betrayal under the rug if her best friend doesn’t know about it.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I just read the first post of your other thread from 2019. You seem to be attracted to women who have been cheated on, for some reason. 
Are these two the only ones?


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

manwithnoname said:


> I just read the first post of your other thread from 2019. You seem to be attracted to women who have been cheated on, for some reason.
> Are these two the only ones?


Same woman.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jdub said:


> Same woman.


Oh, ok. It seemed like your wife didn't know her then, now they're best friends. Although I quickly scanned and may have missed some info.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It would be ironic if you told your wife you didn’t want her anymore and then found out the other woman isn’t interested. If I was in your situation I would straight up take this head on...... by asking the other woman if she is interested. If not then you know where you stand. In all likelihood your just trying to white knight that chick and swoop in to rescue her vagina. Anyways.... man up and ask her or just forget about it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If this woman wasn't around, would you be filing for divorce? If not, knock it off.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I wonder if you’re misinterpreting some friendliness from this woman as romantic feelings. If you’re feelings for this woman at so strong that you can’t stop them, you should just come clean and let her know you’ve fallen in love with her. 

Also, are you sure she doesn’t know about your WW? If not, when you throw your cards on the table, that has to be included.

Btw, the statue of limitations does not run out on you bailing on your wife for her betrayal.


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## Elijah220 (Jun 26, 2021)

Jdub said:


> And before I even write this I know that I'm an idiot. But here goes anyway.
> 
> 7 years ago was D-Day for my wife and I. She had an affair and I had caught her in a big lie and she ended up confessing it to me. We decided to reconcile and have actually had a better marriage than we ever did before. But I still have movies and flashbacks of everything and it still hurts. Then, about 2 years ago, a friend of ours came to us and told us that her husband had been having an affair for the past 5-6 years. She wanted to keep her family together so she was wanting to reconcile. So we decided to help them. In this time, my wife never said anything to this woman. But I started having very strong feelings for her because we had both been cheated on. It didn't hurt any that she is very attractive. Of course this brought back the memories of my wife's affair and the movies increased again. I thought that these things along with my feeling for her would pass, but they haven't. About a year later, she found out that her husband was playing her and was still with his affair partner so now she is in the process of divorcing him, which yes, has taken a year and is still not over.
> 
> Well my feelings for her have only increased to the point where I can honestly say that I'm in love with her. We have not done anything except funny memes (nothing dirty) back and forth and we are mildly flirty when together. And I mean very mild. I try very hard to keep my distance. If I go by her house for anything, I make sure to stay on the front porch and talk to her at the door, or if I go inside, I make sure to stand by the door so I can be seen by people outside (we live in a very small, nosey town). The problem is that I think about her ALL of the the time. I can't shake it. I love her. I'm happier when I'm around her. But I love my wife too. But yet it's different. I don't know how to explain it. And my wife has done her part in reconciliation so there's really nothing I can hold against her there either. I am in misery because I want to be with her so bad it hurts, but yet I know that it's wrong. I don't even know if she would want any part of me. Like I said, I'm an idiot. I just needed to get this off of my chest I guess.


You said you were a preacher. How do you justify this to yourself through God’s eyes? You are already cheating on your wife by having an EA with this woman. Now you claim you are in love with her.

You need to man up. Your wife comes first!!! Get into counselling, tell your wife how you are feeling. You say you and this woman have the bond of being cheated on, but so do you and your wife now as you are having and EA, which is just as damaging to a marriage. You and your wife have now both cheated on each other. It is time to cut all contact with this other woman. Focus on your marriage only and decide if it is truly what you want. Individual and marriage counselling is imperative, because as long as you have this other woman in your life you will begin to see problems with your wife and marriage that aren’t there. It is how our minds attempt to justify our feelings for someone else.

Only individual and marriage counselling can help you determine if you truly wish to continue to remain in the marriage. That should be your first and only concern right now. Once that question is answered, the question of what to do about the other woman will answer itself.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

jsmart said:


> Btw, the statue of limitations does not run out on you bailing on your wife for her betrayal.


QFT


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The _chain of events_ after infidelity is never that a pretty sight. 

The sordid, soiled chain gets tight, sings, twangs, then goes slack, oops, going curvy, striking, leaving injured bodies at every turn.

Infidelity bodes, not well, for all involved.

What once was that tight bond of marriage, becomes let-loose thoughts, love lost from the betrayed.

The wayward wife opened _Pandora's_ box, and yes, her own.
Now, years later she suffers the consequences.

They say_ time heals all wounds_, that might be the case, but it does not erase the visible scars, especially the one that sleeps, maybe snores, in the same bed.


_Nemesis-_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

One can’t reconcile and go forward with the marriage and then start “falling in love“ with her best friend, and then claim “hey you cheated on me and I just can’t get over it, btw, I’m in love with Michelle”, and that be fair.

she cheated. He took her back. If he wants to divorce her, divorce her. But divorcing her to go play with another married woman is just as bad as his own wife cheating. It’s flat out wrong. OP is doing just what his wife did to him. In truth, he doesn’t really know what real life is like with his wife’s friend, and he may not like her as much as he does his cheater.
It’s a bad move all the way around.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> But divorcing her to go play with another married woman


The other woman is already in the process of divorce..... just saying.


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## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

Jdub said:


> And before I even write this I know that I'm an idiot. But here goes anyway.
> 
> 7 years ago was D-Day for my wife and I. She had an affair and I had caught her in a big lie and she ended up confessing it to me. We decided to reconcile and have actually had a better marriage than we ever did before. But I still have movies and flashbacks of everything and it still hurts. Then, about 2 years ago, a friend of ours came to us and told us that her husband had been having an affair for the past 5-6 years. She wanted to keep her family together so she was wanting to reconcile. So we decided to help them. In this time, my wife never said anything to this woman. But I started having very strong feelings for her because we had both been cheated on. It didn't hurt any that she is very attractive. Of course this brought back the memories of my wife's affair and the movies increased again. I thought that these things along with my feeling for her would pass, but they haven't. About a year later, she found out that her husband was playing her and was still with his affair partner so now she is in the process of divorcing him, which yes, has taken a year and is still not over.
> 
> Well my feelings for her have only increased to the point where I can honestly say that I'm in love with her. We have not done anything except funny memes (nothing dirty) back and forth and we are mildly flirty when together. And I mean very mild. I try very hard to keep my distance. If I go by her house for anything, I make sure to stay on the front porch and talk to her at the door, or if I go inside, I make sure to stand by the door so I can be seen by people outside (we live in a very small, nosey town). The problem is that I think about her ALL of the the time. I can't shake it. I love her. I'm happier when I'm around her. But I love my wife too. But yet it's different. I don't know how to explain it. And my wife has done her part in reconciliation so there's really nothing I can hold against her there either. I am in misery because I want to be with her so bad it hurts, but yet I know that it's wrong. I don't even know if she would want any part of me. Like I said, I'm an idiot. I just needed to get this off of my chest I guess.


Pretty much what everyone else is saying man. You can't have bad memories and flashbacks of what your wife did and try to use that to justify why you are about to cheat on your wife. Which, to me, you already have. You're having secret conversations with her and being "mildly" flirty and hiding this from your wife and now you think you love her. You are having an emotional affair. You said it yourself, your wife reconciled and did her part to make it right. You both are happy now. Wouldn't you have rather had your wife divorce you first and then do what she did? You need to choose NOW. Do you want that woman or do you want your wife?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

This has been going on for years??


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

I told my wife about everything. She was actually pretty calm about it all. I gave her my phone and allowed her to read all of my texts. It did bring back a lot of stuff about her affair, but it was really good to come clean. We probably talked about it a total 8 hours over a 3 day time period. Thank you for the kick in the butt that I needed. I knew going in that I wasn't going to get any sympathy from anyone on here. I got exactly what I needed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jdub said:


> I told my wife about everything. She was actually pretty calm about it all. I gave her my phone and allowed her to read all of my texts. It did bring back a lot of stuff about her affair, but it was really good to come clean. We probably talked about it a total 8 hours over a 3 day time period. Thank you for the kick in the butt that I needed. I knew going in that I wasn't going to get any sympathy from anyone on here. I got exactly what I needed.


Hopefully you can both stay away from the other couple now. Or even move away.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Jdub said:


> I told my wife about everything. She was actually pretty calm about it all. I gave her my phone and allowed her to read all of my texts. It did bring back a lot of stuff about her affair, but it was really good to come clean. We probably talked about it a total 8 hours over a 3 day time period. Thank you for the kick in the butt that I needed. I knew going in that I wasn't going to get any sympathy from anyone on here. I got exactly what I needed.


Take care of that mess under the rug and here’s to hoping it works out! 👍🏼


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jdub said:


> That will be hard. She is one of my wife's best friends.


Oh, well, that's nice! I'm so sure that will all work out. That never gets messy and destroys people's lives. 

At least your wife wasn't doing it with your best friend. You need to act like an adult and get a grip and go zero interaction with her, and you don't need to tell her why. She knows why. When she and your wife are spending time together, go to the garage and work on the car or something. If you want to be single, get a divorce and stay away from your wife's friends!


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, well, that's nice! I'm so sure that will all work out. That never gets messy and destroys people's lives.
> 
> At least your wife wasn't doing it with your best friend. You need to act like an adult and get a grip and go zero interaction with her, and you don't need to tell her why. She knows why. When she and your wife are spending time together, go to the garage and work on the car or something. If you want to be single, get a divorce and stay away from your wife's friends!


I'm trying. Today has been pretty hard though. I knew that I had a problem (which is why I came on here with it) but having no contact with her is making me realize how much of a problem I have. It's like I have this void in my heart. I can't imagine how hard this would've been had this gone any farther. I'm glad that it's ending here but I wish that I would've told my wife about it when these feelings started and nipped it in the bud. But I was arrogant and felt like I had this right to have these feelings and be flirty with this other woman because of what she did. I have admitted to my wife that even though there was no physical contact between us, that what I have been doing is just as bad as what she did. I have also asked my wife to hold me accountable in the same way as she has me holding her accountable.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Damn JD, whatdidju go and tell your wife for. Now somebody else is going to be doing what you're not. What's going to be a real kick in the azz is if your old lady decides she need something on the side again and you have that "well f" look on your face. But hey, you can always take comfort in the fact you did the right thing and let somebody else enjoy her charms. I would tell you it ain't the ones you did that gives you the worse memories; its the ones you could have and didn't. But I ain't going to say it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jdub said:


> I'm trying. Today has been pretty hard though. I knew that I had a problem (which is why I came on here with it) but having no contact with her is making me realize how much of a problem I have. It's like I have this void in my heart. I can't imagine how hard this would've been had this gone any farther. I'm glad that it's ending here but I wish that I would've told my wife about it when these feelings started and nipped it in the bud. But I was arrogant and felt like I had this right to have these feelings and be flirty with this other woman because of what she did. I have admitted to my wife that even though there was no physical contact between us, that what I have been doing is just as bad as what she did. I have also asked my wife to hold me accountable in the same way as she has me holding her accountable.


What wouldn't be fair is to ruin your wife's friendship. It's on you to put a stop. She's not really doing anything much, but you are over here stewing about it all, and it needs to stop. You do have control over yourself. You need to not tell your wife about this because you need to stop all interaction except for a polite hello/goodbye going to work in the garage if she comes by -- or don't be there. Try to avoid doing couples things with them too. Just stop until it all blows over. What you are having is nothing more than a sympathetic reaction, a bunch of projection. Don't ruin this relationship for your wife -- because it will, I promise. And that's not fair. 

You both need to stay in your lane and listen to what you originally wanted, which was reconciliation. Should you both fall off that wagon and decide to divorce, you STILL should not, of all the billions of women in the world, choose your wife's friend, and nor should your wife choose one of yours. If you need to go see a counselor in private, do it. You can even do it online. But if you are serious about still loving your wife and wanting to stay together, nip this right now. That woman will understand and probably be relieved you backed completely off.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, I just found your other post where you've already told your wife. You just did the most destructive thing you could possibly do to your marriage. You confessed and hurt her so you didn't have to shoulder the responsibility and just manage yourself and use some self-discipline. One way or the other, you just had to hurt her when you SAY you want to reconcile the marriage. So go talk to a counselor and examine what you got out of this.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

And just for the record, the other woman is in the process of divorce and will be single soon. Not that it makes a difference in what I should do, just that there will not be any “couples” stuff happening.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Did you tell your wife, hoping she’d divorce you so you could be with your honey who you haven’t even kissed yet? What was the reasoning I telling her? What were you hoping to accomplish? Did you feel she needed to help you get over being hot for her friend?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jdub said:


> And just for the record, the other woman is in the process of divorce and will be single soon. Not that it makes a difference in what I should do, just that there will not be any “couples” stuff happening.



Still think you should divorce your wife as well. The fact that you fell for this other woman proves that your wife’s affair killed the love you had for her.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Did you tell your wife, hoping she’d divorce you so you could be with your honey who you haven’t even kissed yet?


Now that's the definition of getting cart way out in front of the horse.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Man, some of you guys are just flat out jerks. I mean seriously, what is your problem. I came on here because I realized that I had a problem that was getting out of hand and I needed a good kick in the seat of the pants to do what I already knew was the right thing to do. I told my wife. When my wife had sex with and gave oral to that pile of garbage 7 years ago, she told me everything. I mean she still, after 7 years, will text me when she goes to lunch and clocks out for the day so I know when to expect her home. So excuse me if I feel like I owe it to her to be open and honest right back. I knew that she would be hurt by it, but hiding it and keeping secrets is no way to have a good marriage. So for you who want to slam me for being honest with my wife, you can take a long walk off of a short dock. I am now on day 3 of not texting her (although she just texted me as I typed this. Something legit that I told her I would do for some kids and she's touching base about it) and I'm going through some major withdrawal. It was extremely hard seeing her at church yesterday, but I barely said 5 words to her, which was also very hard. My wife's affair killed a lot in me and this other woman revived a lot of those things. I don't know how to explain it, but it just did. But seeing the hurt in my wife's eyes made me want to make her feel like this other woman makes me feel and I want my wife to make me feel like that too. It's going to be a long hard road, but for the first time in a long time, I think that my wife and I are both on the same page and are ready to tackle this thing together.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jdub said:


> Man, some of you guys are just flat out jerks. I mean seriously, what is your problem. I came on here because I realized that I had a problem that was getting out of hand and I needed a good kick in the seat of the pants to do what I already knew was the right thing to do. I told my wife. When my wife had sex with and gave oral to that pile of garbage 7 years ago, she told me everything. I mean she still, after 7 years, will text me when she goes to lunch and clocks out for the day so I know when to expect her home. So excuse me if I feel like I owe it to her to be open and honest right back. I knew that she would be hurt by it, but hiding it and keeping secrets is no way to have a good marriage. So for you who want to slam me for being honest with my wife, you can take a long walk off of a short dock. I am now on day 3 of not texting her (although she just texted me as I typed this. Something legit that I told her I would do for some kids and she's touching base about it) and I'm going through some major withdrawal. It was extremely hard seeing her at church yesterday, but I barely said 5 words to her, which was also very hard. My wife's affair killed a lot in me and this other woman revived a lot of those things. I don't know how to explain it, but it just did. But seeing the hurt in my wife's eyes made me want to make her feel like this other woman makes me feel and I want my wife to make me feel like that too. It's going to be a long hard road, but for the first time in a long time, I think that my wife and I are both on the same page and are ready to tackle this thing together.


What you want to feel from your wife isn’t possible if she can’t do it. It doesn’t matter how much you want to feel those things from your wife. She cheated, and you have been trying for 7 years to get those feeling back. Not going to happen. 

I agree that your wife needed to know how you felt about the other woman. You are right about honesty in a relationship. So take an honest look at yourself and answer this question. Can you feel for your wife what you feel for the other woman? This isn’t a want too, it’s a can you. 

Then after 7 years, why haven’t you already?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nobody is slamming you for honesty.

but lying for months while pursuing your wife’s best friend and using your wife’s years old affair as a justification tool to ease your conscience—- that’s not cool.

you told her. That’s a good thing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think he was just explaining the situation. 

He developed feelings for another. 

He figured out that he had gone to far. 

It wasn’t a physical affair. 

He came clean with his wife. 

It really doesn’t matter who the other woman was. 

To be honest, OP’s wife should have told her best friend what she did to him. That might have put the three of them on guard against what happened.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Sending funny memes is pursuing? 

Seems to me this is a one sided love affair. OP does this woman have any inkling as to how you feel about her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s been going on at least three years and mild flirting and funny memes are admitted to. He is totally enamored with this woman. I respect that he’s come clean and now trying to do the right thing.

He’s going to have a rough time. Pining for a woman he’s been in love with 3 years whom he sees regularly is going to be extremely difficult and I wish him luck.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Did you ever come clean to the other girl to confirm if she shared your feelings? If you’ve grown indifferent towards your (former?)WW you shouldn’t feel compelled to stay in an unsatisfactory R.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Someone mentioned that OP is a preacher?

If true, why do you care what strangers on a forum on the internet have to say?

What does God say about what you're doing/thinking with this other woman?

Maybe get back in the word to guide your steps. 

A preacher is coming on a forum and calling people "jerks"?


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

I suspect that you would not have let your feelings get out of hand if your wife never cheated on you. But only you can answer that question. Your marriage is not the same and you just don't feel the same way about your wife even after seven years. My ex-wife cheated on me in year three. The marriage limped along for another six torturous years. My feelings for her were dead as a doornail during that time. I went through the motions until her subsequent affair mercifully ended a horrible marriage. 

I believe that most BS's do not truly completely get over a spouse's affair. Why should they? The WS simply threw the BS and the marriage under the bus for ********. Next to trying to murder the BS, there really isn't anything worse that a spouse could have done. The BS knows deep down he or she shouldn't be with that person any longer but the betrayed spouse stays because of children, financial considerations, fear of the unknown, fear of starting over, or a combination of some or all of these elements. I suppose love plays a part in it. But, honestly, how can someone still hold love for another who did them so wrong? I don' get it, but I read this all the time from BS's. In my opinion, while some claim that their marriage is better than ever, the BS still carries the hurt but has shoved the betrayal deep down inside in order to cope. But, periodically it surfaces as a reminder that the person closes to him or her had no problem committing that horrible betrayal. You can't unring a bell and that is just the way it is. If the pluses outweigh the minuses, people stay together but there is always a price. That price is paid by the betrayed spouse over and over again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s been going on at least three years and mild flirting and funny memes are admitted to. He is totally enamored with this woman. I respect that he’s come clean and now trying to do the right thing.
> 
> He’s going to have a rough time. Pining for a woman he’s been in love with 3 years whom he sees regularly is going to be extremely difficult and I wish him luck.


It is am emotional affair on OP’s part. It could very well be one sided.

She is everything his wife isn’t to him anymore. His wife hasn’t been the love of his life for 7 years now. This isn’t an excuse. He should realize that if he can’t get it back for his wife, then he should let her go to find someone that will lover her like that.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

This post is 3 years old.
Nonetheless, I just can’t keep quiet:
Tropic Thunder - “I’ll see you again tonight in mah head movies!”


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

As far as whether or not she has the same feeling for me goes, I don't know. She knows that I am very careful around other women as is she around other men. She has mentioned to me once after she called a kid she knows a cutesy name and I said "hi" that I should be careful because we don't want any rumors going around about us. We live in a very small town. So being careful about such things is a pretty natural thing living around here. In our texting, she has on a few occasions sent a gif that contains xoxoxo or something along those lines. She recently sent me one of those digital touch things on iPhones with kissing lips. She immediately sent another text saying that a toddler that she was watching grabbed ahold of her phone and sent that. She also has a habit of touching my upper arm/shoulder and sometimes will rub it. When she walks by me, she will most of the time walk as close as she can without actually touching me. She laughs at most of my jokes. But it is very possible that I am misinterpreting all of this because of what happened with my wife. Like I told my wife, I don't think that I actually want to know. Either way would not be good for me mentally.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Who was OM, by the way?


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

GusPolinski said:


> Who was OM, by the way?


With my wife? He was some trailer trash pile of garbage that she worked with. He turned out to be a predator who gets off on destroying marriages. His MO is to befriend a married or attached woman with kids and then he eventually uses anything he can to convince the woman that her husband/SO is horrible and will never change because that's the way his dad was and he ended up leaving. He finally wears them down, has sex with them, and ultimately gets her to break up with her husband/so then takes his place as her man and kids daddy. He then gets them all to fall in love with him and then one day they come home and he's gone with no explanation. Leaving them all crushed like he was when he was a kid. I know this because I knew something was going on but couldn't prove it so I relentlessly investigated him. I ended up finding a former victim (the now ex husband) of his and this guy called his ex wife and told her about it. I used a fake name and only used my wife's guys real name and said that he was "having sex" with my wife. Well he called his ex, she called him, he confronted my wife who in turn called me because he just knew it had to be me who called. I calmly said "why would he think it me? I told this ex husband guy that this guy was "having sex" with my wife. But you have maintained that there has never been any physical contact between you. Well it wasn't but a couple of weeks and she confessed the whole thing and that coward moved to another town and did it to another woman, only he got all the way to breaking up the marriage and moving in with her and her kids and ultimately left them high and dry. I tried to warn her, but she called me a few choice names and told me to leave her alone. After it happened she got ahold of me and asked me how I knew, so I told her. He then moved to another state where he has done this to 3-4 other women and has changed towns about that many times. I had to stop following his activities a few years back for my own sanity, but I will do a search for him every now and then to make sure that he is still 3 states away. We have since moved to another state as well.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Did you post your original story?


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

ABHale said:


> Did you post your original story?


No


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Jdub said:


> With my wife? He was some trailer trash pile of garbage that she worked with. He turned out to be a predator who gets off on destroying marriages. His MO is to befriend a married or attached woman with kids and then he eventually uses anything he can to convince the woman that her husband/SO is horrible and will never change because that's the way his dad was and he ended up leaving. He finally wears them down, has sex with them, and ultimately gets her to break up with her husband/so then takes his place as her man and kids daddy. He then gets them all to fall in love with him and then one day they come home and he's gone with no explanation. Leaving them all crushed like he was when he was a kid. I know this because I knew something was going on but couldn't prove it so I relentlessly investigated him. I ended up finding a former victim (the now ex husband) of his and this guy called his ex wife and told her about it. I used a fake name and only used my wife's guys real name and said that he was "having sex" with my wife. Well he called his ex, she called him, he confronted my wife who in turn called me because he just knew it had to be me who called. I calmly said "why would he think it me? I told this ex husband guy that this guy was "having sex" with my wife. But you have maintained that there has never been any physical contact between you. Well it wasn't but a couple of weeks and she confessed the whole thing and that coward moved to another town and did it to another woman, only he got all the way to breaking up the marriage and moving in with her and her kids and ultimately left them high and dry. I tried to warn her, but she called me a few choice names and told me to leave her alone. After it happened she got ahold of me and asked me how I knew, so I told her. He then moved to another state where he has done this to 3-4 other women and has changed towns about that many times. I had to stop following his activities a few years back for my own sanity, but I will do a search for him every now and then to make sure that he is still 3 states away. We have since moved to another state as well.


What a creep this guy is. Creating one sad story after another.
Unfortunately, many women wrongly think that they will be that “special someone” and are “different from all of the other women,” instead of simply paying attention to the way a man treats women in general.
If he holds the door for all women, he’ll never stop holding the door for me!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jdub said:


> No


There is a story I read years ago that sounds just like yours. Might be one of the other husbands.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

MEA said:


> What a creep this guy is. Creating one sad story after another.
> Unfortunately, many women wrongly think that they will be that “special someone” and are “different from all of the other women,” instead of simply paying attention to the way a man treats women in general.
> If he holds the door for all women, he’ll never stop holding the door for me!


Not trying to take any blame from my wife, but this guy lives in a fantasy world where he sees himself as the hero of some fantasy book that he gets these women to read (my wife read them all) and then uses things out of the books to manipulate them. None of it even seems possible, but it happened. Then he’ll use the fact that he’s in the army reserves to make them think that he’s some hero and he will also go to the just went through a bad break up with my girlfriend that never existed.
My wife went shopping with her friend a few days ago and came home and told me how hard it was to look at her knowing my feelings for her and the possibility of her having those same feelings for me. It was so hard to keep my mouth shut. I so bad wanted to tell her about the amount of self control that it took for me to not break every bone in his body knowing that he had his penis inside of her as well as in her mouth. I mean I used to have a recurring daydream of them getting in a wreck while she was giving him oral and her biting it off.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

That would have been karma at its best.

You should tell your wife these things. It might be why you have never finished healing. You have never dealt with all the trauma yet.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

ABHale said:


> That would have been karma at its best.
> 
> You should tell your wife these things. It might be why you have never finished healing. You have never dealt with all the trauma yet.


Earlier this evening I told her about the wreck and biting it off part as well as the part of how she told me how hard it was to shop with her friend and how that she should think about how I felt seeing his smug face knowing what he did and not breaking him in half. I always have wondered if he was scared of me because as soon as I caught them in that lie he took off for another town pretty quick. I also told her that I’ve always wondered what would have happened had I threatened him before anything physical happened. I never did because I felt that I would have pushed her farther away than she was. She told me that she doesn’t know how she would’ve reacted but that she would’ve gotten over it eventually. But I’m guessing that there would’ve been someone else down the road. I don’t know the answer. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore and you’re 💯 correct that getting this stuff out is helping. 
And now I’m on day 5 and the withdrawal of not texting the other woman comes and goes but then I wonder why she doesn’t text me at all. Maybe she really doesn’t like me more than just a friend. But then I go to why does she touch me like she does and always get really close to me when she walks by me. And why does she laugh at all of my jokes, even the ones that aren’t that funny? But then I think that it doesn’t matter because I’m married so end of story. But it’s like my brain won’t shut off until I get an answer. I don’t know. This affair stuff just plain sucks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What you’re carrying around can take years to go away. Might as well ask her how she feels. If she bursts your bubble, you’ll get over it faster. If she says she likes you, you might as well divorce because it will eat you up.
You’ve allowed this to grow in your head. Thoughts of her are just like a drug addiction for you. Don’t expect to just get over it.
Your best bet is for her to totally bomb you when you ask her about her feelings.
If she doesn’t, you’re really in trouble if you want to keep your current marriage.
Your wife can’t be cool with this. You May have really messed up.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Am I the only one that thinks it's hilarious how OP is bashing the OM and affairs, yet is all mushy about his wife's best friend?

Give me a break.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Another weird thing that has been a nightly occurrence has been that I’ve been dreaming about her. I’ve not ever had one single dream that included her and now it’s been every night for the past 3-4 days


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dude. Get this done and over with. 

See if she feels the same way as you. If so, divorce your wife. 

If she doesn’t feel the same, divorce your wife. I think you love your wife but not enough to keep a long lasting relationship. Besides, she cheated. It still weighs on you. No reason to keep putting yourself through this misery.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jdub said:


> With my wife? He was some trailer trash pile of garbage that she worked with. He turned out to be a predator who gets off on destroying marriages. His MO is to befriend a married or attached woman with kids and then he eventually uses anything he can to convince the woman that her husband/SO is horrible and will never change because that's the way his dad was and he ended up leaving. He finally wears them down, has sex with them, and ultimately gets her to break up with her husband/so then takes his place as her man and kids daddy. He then gets them all to fall in love with him and then one day they come home and he's gone with no explanation. Leaving them all crushed like he was when he was a kid. I know this because I knew something was going on but couldn't prove it so I relentlessly investigated him. I ended up finding a former victim (the now ex husband) of his and this guy called his ex wife and told her about it. I used a fake name and only used my wife's guys real name and said that he was "having sex" with my wife. Well he called his ex, she called him, he confronted my wife who in turn called me because he just knew it had to be me who called. I calmly said "why would he think it me? I told this ex husband guy that this guy was "having sex" with my wife. But you have maintained that there has never been any physical contact between you. Well it wasn't but a couple of weeks and she confessed the whole thing and that coward moved to another town and did it to another woman, only he got all the way to breaking up the marriage and moving in with her and her kids and ultimately left them high and dry. I tried to warn her, but she called me a few choice names and told me to leave her alone. After it happened she got ahold of me and asked me how I knew, so I told her. He then moved to another state where he has done this to 3-4 other women and has changed towns about that many times. I had to stop following his activities a few years back for my own sanity, but I will do a search for him every now and then to make sure that he is still 3 states away. We have since moved to another state as well.


Going back to your post where you called people a bunch of jerks, you said you told her everything because you owed it to her because she told you everything. This post reveals that she only told you "everything" because you caught her. You owe her ****. And stay away from other women, you're married. Maybe your wife will divorce you like you should have divorced her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jdub said:


> Another weird thing that has been a nightly occurrence has been that I’ve been dreaming about her. I’ve not ever had one single dream that included her and now it’s been every night for the past 3-4 days


Your mind seems to be making up for not seeing her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re still in love with the other woman. Badly so.

And your double standards are going to destroy much of your life. I would think it should bring you closer to your wife? You both had affairs, yet in your mind there is anger and rage towards her, but yet love and admiration for the OW?

Shouldn’t this inspire some sort of compassion for your wife? How do you manage these opposing feelings? Anger and rage and judgement towards her OM… yet you are in love with the EXACT SAME person! A married woman, chasing her best friend’s husband! And your kids do things together?

The woman you are losing your sanity over is the same as the OM! You know the OM is scum, but yet can’t see this in the OW.

This is the real problem here! One set of rules for everyone else, and another set of rules for you. You are in love with a home wrecker, just like your wife was. Please see this OW for what she is, a needy unhinged person who has destroyed her own marriage, chasing after her friends husband. Why is she still texting you? Because she has no morals.

Everyone knows this, and believe me everyone is talking.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Op

Props for taking the step of honesty honest with your wife. That's really hard. In your mind you probably justified your feelings because of your wife's past actions... But you know, deep down, that infidelity is no joke. What your feeling is probably a combination of KISA combined with almost bridge like effect with yours wife's friend. The affection she shows you is more of the same... I experienced this. I became a mad hatter. Its really an empty outcome. You will hate yourself, for doing the same thing you hate.

You love your wife. But love is work not a feeling.. Feelings lie! Your heart will lie to you. The woman you want to take into arms is not because you really want her, sometimes its because you might feel that it would fix something inside you, fill a hole so to speak. Find a professional or someone you trust that can help you see it for what it is.

If you demanded monogamy From your wife your probably monogamous yourself. Love doesn't have to comprise your morals and values. Can your really look at yourself in the mirror and be ok with being the very thing you hated the OM for? As you process this chapter of your life, recognize your vulnerability, that this is a weakness. Cry your heart out on your wife's chest  She's your partner, I'm sure she'd understand. Keep this woman at arms length. Don't be alone and don't talk to her when your wife's not around (She's not your problem). Don't text. Be an open book. the more you expose yourself, the less these feelings will have a hold over you.

Look at this as more of an infatuation, a burning obsession to capture something you lost when your wife cheated. Your probably lusting the need to fix her. You think you find it in this gal, but reality is that she can't give it you. You must find the answer in yourself. But you must see this for what it is. The feelings themselves are really disgusting. When you can see it for what it is then they will go away.

In the capacity you are in now, this not what you really want. Becoming single is definitely an option, but would You be willing sacrifice your life for some feelings? If at the end of this phase if you find your wife cheating is something that can't really forgive, then leave. Don't get the two mixed up.

Don't approach her. That's really selfish. She already has her husband cheating on her. Don't put her in a crap spot and make her feel more alone by losing the support of your wife.

Sorry for typos. Hope this helps.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Imnobodynew said:


> Op
> 
> Props for taking the step of honesty honest with your wife. That's really hard. In your mind you probably justified your feelings because of your wife's past actions... But you know, deep down, that infidelity is no joke. What your feeling is probably a combination of KISA combined with almost bridge like effect with yours wife's friend. The affection she shows you is more of the same... I experienced this. I became a mad hatter. Its really an empty outcome. You will hate yourself, for doing the same thing you hate.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I think that you hit the nail on the head. It’s been a fierce battle of my mind and heart and I know that it’s not over yet. My wife and I had another pretty good conversation today. She admitted that the hurt she feels about my feelings for her friend are nothing compared to how I must have felt when she had her affair. She also told me how much better our marriage has been this past couple of weeks since I came clean about my feelings.


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## Fixer (Jun 20, 2021)

I believe that you need to pay it back. There can be nothing worse for a man than a physical betrayal. Your wife made a conscious decision to betray you. For most women, this is not a fluke - it means she plotted trading you for another man, but it did not work out. You are her fallback option. You did not punish your wife in any way, this is not good. She knows she can get away with anything. You are entitled to some fun with another woman, with no remorse, period. Whether you want to tell your cheating wife about it or not, it is up to you. Remember, she sucked another guys **** ffs.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

I totally disagree with this. I'm a mad hatter. Its empty to put yourself on the level someone who has a moral brain fart.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Fixer said:


> I believe that you need to pay it back. There can be nothing worse for a man than a physical betrayal. Your wife made a conscious decision to betray you. For most women, this is not a fluke - it means she plotted trading you for another man, but it did not work out. You are her fallback option. You did not punish your wife in any way, this is not good. She knows she can get away with anything. You are entitled to some fun with another woman, with no remorse, period. Whether you want to tell your cheating wife about it or not, it is up to you. Remember, she sucked another guys **** ffs.


I totally disagree. Besides him banging another woman wasn’t stipulated when he took her back, he’s not simply wanting to screw the friend— he thinks he loves her.

back to OP. Surely you realize your “love” is for a woman you don’t even really know yet. You’ve never even kissed her. There’s a good chance the fantasy you have in your mind with her is FAR different from being with her in reality. And she may not even want you in that way. Your feelings of love with her are pretty unfounded I think. She brushes up against your arm and laughs at your jokes and you’re madly in love with her?????? Damn dude.....


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

It's never too late to move on. Your wife was not a victim. You've built up a narrative for the OM that allows you to stay with your wife. It isn't true. She wanted to have sex with someone else and she did.

My advice would be to end your marriage, not for the other woman, but for you. Move on, give things some time, and, if the other woman is still around maybe approach things at that point.

I think this is a sign that what your wife did is a deal breaker, something that you won't get over.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Galabar01 said:


> It's never too late to move on. Your wife was not a victim. You've built up a narrative for the OM that allows you to stay with your wife. It isn't true. She wanted to have sex with someone else and she did.
> 
> My advice would be to end your marriage, not for the other woman, but for you. Move on, give things some time, and, if the other woman is still around maybe approach things at that point.
> 
> I think this is a sign that what your wife did is a deal breaker, something that you won't get over.


Maybe I’m not writing this clear enough. It’s hard writing with clarity because I always seem to leave something out. I didn’t build that narrative, he legitimately did/does those things. And she has admitted to me in a recent conversation (because all of her affair has come back to the surface and we have been dealing with it again) that she wanted to hurt me and she just lost her head. But when she actually went through with it, she was sickened by the fact that she would do those things. Her story hasn’t changed in 7 years which tells me that it’s the truth. She even typed up the whole thing again (she did this back when it happened too) and it was maybe a bit more detailed than I remembered the first one being, but it was the same chain of events. So is my wife innocent? A resounding no, and she admits and owns this fact. Her ap is a serial family destroyer and she fell for it because she was looking for someone who made her feel like she was being paid attention to, but again, she takes responsibility for her actions.
My wife’s friend was actually over at our house this morning (my wife was there the entire time) and she told me how well I handled myself. I’m realizing from a lot of you guys that I have been he KISA and have taken protecting her too far to where I have developed feelings for her. She has been our family friend for 6 years and I know her very well. She is an amazing woman. She has also told me that I am one of the only men that she trusts. So this made it very easy to allow myself to develop these feelings. That is also a driver behind me wanting to nip this issue quickly. I cannot betray her trust and like someone stated become like our spouses ap’s. My wife is also an amazing woman, but she betrayed me and I need to get past that. I actually think in a strange way that me developing these feelings for her friend has shown me that anyone can stumble into an affair. I found myself in an ea and I think that because of my wife’s pa, I could see where I was headed. One hug while we were alone could’ve led to a kiss and then into the bedroom and destroyed so many lives and good things. I’m thankful for all of you…even the jerks 😉. You have not only helped me, but my wife and our marriage as well. So much dialogue that never would have happened and would’ve just stayed stewing inside of me has come out in a very honest, healthy way.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ok, from a married woman with lots of family friends, you need to hear this.

Married women, in a family friend situation, respectfully don’t sit with a married couple and talk about their affair - there were three of you in this conversation? I would remove myself from any conversation between a couple that was getting personal. Hey guys, I have to go start dinner!

A married woman wouldn’t be texting someone else’s husband or being around the man as much as she is. We have many family friends, my husband texts the men for kid catch ups, I text the wives. family friends or not, none of the couples in our circle are this fresh. We have divorced couples in our circle, the women have stayed away and found new friends, they don’t hang out with the men, ever. If a divorced person in our circle wants to catch up the female will come and visit me, husband leaves the room, or we meet elsewhere. When his divorced friends want to come for a beer and a talk, I make polite chit chat and leave the room and do my own thing.

She tells you she’s the only man you can trust???😳 No, married and divorced women don’t talk like this to other husbands. This is terrible! No decent woman talks like this. (Btw did you feel super important when she told you you’re the only man she can trust?)

What is your family friend doing? She is really unhinged to be that deep in you and your wife’s personal space it’s a bit weird to be honest. I cannot imagine having another male family friend around while the three of us sit and talk about my husbands and my intimacies. And I would never be inserting myself into another couples marriage the way she is. It’s weird, sorry.

This threesome you’re having us weird and you can repeat the word family friend and good friend over and over - what you have is a really weird situation and everyone in your community will be saying the same thing.

I can hear in your posts that you’re lost and can’t see the wood for the trees, you talk about this woman in a certain way, like this situation is normal and I can see the ego boost for you must be amazing, but to everyone outside looking in, you appear pretty stupid.

We did have a stupid friend like this when a lot of us first got married who behaved like this, she spent most of her days going from house to house trying to befriend the husbands and she sounds so much like this woman. All the couples got together and swapped jokes and told stories of her compliments and how she was like a piece of sticky tape you couldn’t get rid of. The guys found her creepy and I was spoken to by my husband and told she was trouble and I was to see less of her (that’s saying something).

Your self esteem must be in the gutter to be in love with a women who builds a married man up by telling him he’s the only man she can trust. She’s trashy, eewwww. I’m just trying picture myself saying that to one of our male family friends and I keep bursting out laughing.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok, from a married woman with lots of family friends, you need to hear this.
> 
> Married women, in a family friend situation, respectfully don’t sit with a married couple and talk about their affair - there were three of you in this conversation? I would remove myself from any conversation between a couple that was getting personal. Hey guys, I have to go start dinner!
> 
> ...


Correction, ONE of the only MEN that she trusts, not the only man that she trusts.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

Jdub said:


> ...trusts. So this made it very easy to allow myself to develop these feelings. That is also a driver behind me wanting to nip this issue quickly. I cannot betray her trust and like someone stated become like our spouses ap’s.* My wife is also an amazing woman, but she betrayed me and I need to get past that*. I actually think in a strange way that me developing these feelings for her friend has shown me that anyone...


Getting past a betrayal like cheating is almost impossible and many people won't even attempt it. It leaves a scar that lasts a lifetime. Most likely it will continue to come up at times in your marriage. Once a trust is broken, can it really be repaired? I don't think it can ever be the same again but everyone is different.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Jdub said:


> Correction, ONE of the only MEN that she trusts, not the only man that she trusts.


Well then, you’ve got competition 😁

Just as I suspected, she’s got a lot of husbands around. Does this woman have hobbies? Kids?

Is all her leisure time take up with visiting family friends all the time? Is she ever just busy or able to stay home alone? You’re texting/in contact with her every day, correct?


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> Well then, you’ve got competition 😁
> 
> Just as I suspected, she’s got a lot of husbands around. Does this woman have hobbies? Kids?
> 
> Is all her leisure time take up with visiting family friends all the time? Is she ever just busy or able to stay home alone? You’re texting/in contact with her every day, correct?


She works out of her home and is very busy with her kids activities and spends a good deal of time with family. I haven't texted her outside of a legitimate text regarding something I was doing for some kids that she's also involved in in a week. She actually hasn't texted me either. I honestly don't think that either one of us will even mention it. She is very hurt right now from her husbands long term affair and then her trying to repair the marriage for over a year before finding out that her husband lied and was still in a full blown affair, so she kicked him out and filed for divorce. I have been there supporting her (along with my wife) through the entire thing. Yes, she treats me different than I see her treating other men, but I have also been doing things for her that I probably shouldn't have been doing, like scooping her driveway, buying her ice cream when she has a hard day, texting her funny memes, being there to listen to her, etc. So I agree, that if I left my wife and went after her, even if she was interested in me too, eventually the fog would lift and things would probably go bad and I would regret it. I told my wife because I want my current marriage to work. We have over 20 years invested in this thing. 

I have been in the wrong and am trying to do right. So is my wife. Her friend is trying to heal as I am and my protection instinct and compassion has clouded my judgement and that's probably not a strong enough way to put it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes it does sound like you’re heavily invested in her marital issues too, look it’s not healthy. Like attracts like. If she’s got that much family around why are you helping her so much emotionally and seriously, scooping her driveway and buying her ice cream??? Why do you care so much about making her happy, for heavens sake aren’t there enough women In Her circle and family members to do this?

I’m being very firm here - you know what you are to her? A little girlfriend. It’s the truth. You’re thinking you’re the man, and how masculine you feel being the better guy… but you are a little girlfriend. Harsh truth. Do you want to be a little girlfriend or a husband and a man? No man would be running around to fix any woman’s crap, you must appear so feminine and silly in everyone’s eyes right now. I’m sorry of this hurts but you have to see yourself through other peoples eyes right now.

There’s a reason I just don’t mix with women or men like this, I seek out couples who don’t behave in the way you and your female friend behave. People who value themselves just don’t lower their standards to think they’re making a dent in a divorced woman’s life.

Take back your wife sexually - step up to the man she wants you to be - take charge of your woman and be powerful. Not a sad little friend to a boring damsel in distress. It’s not special, they’re everywhere getting all the memes and shovelling and help they can find.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes it does sound like you’re heavily invested in her marital issues too, look it’s not healthy. Like attracts like. If she’s got that much family around why are you helping her so much emotionally and seriously, scooping her driveway and buying her ice cream??? Why do you care so much about making her happy, for heavens sake aren’t there enough women In Her circle and family members to do this?
> 
> I’m being very firm here - you know what you are to her? A little girlfriend. It’s the truth. You’re thinking you’re the man, and how masculine you feel being the better guy… but you are a little girlfriend. Harsh truth. Do you want to be a little girlfriend or a husband and a man? No man would be running around to fix any woman’s crap, you must appear so feminine and silly in everyone’s eyes right now. I’m sorry of this hurts but you have to see yourself through other peoples eyes right now.
> 
> ...


Ok, sure. I guess if being nice to someone who has been a family friend for years and just watched her marriage fall apart is being a girlfriend and not a man when there was nobody else stepping in to help her. And by family, I mean her elderly mother, her kids (only a daughter left at home), and nieces and nephews who are young kids. I was looking at her like a widow. Her husbands family doesn't do much for her at all. And my wife and I are having plenty of sex. I think that we're around 20 times this month and counting and had a 6-7 day streak at one point.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes, I can understand exactly why they’re all being smart about not helping her. 😉

Do you see what she is yet? And why they’ve all distanced themselves?

Who in this life wants to be a helpless helper?

Keep having sex with your wife, and learn the art of saying no. Keep your ice-cream money for your wife and kids, you spare time for you.

It will shock you how good life is when you become selfish and have a powerhouse of a home life.

Let those who want to self destruct do exactly that.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> Yes, I can understand exactly why they’re all being smart about not helping her. 😉
> 
> Do you see what she is yet? And why they’ve all distanced themselves?
> 
> ...


That's what I'm trying to do my man. That's why I came on here and outed myself to my wife. I knew I was down a bad path and needed help. As far as what she is goes, I really think that she is lost and doesn't know which way is up and is trying to find her way after being cheated on. As far as her in-laws go, they're going to choose their relative over an ex in-law. But you also may very well be correct. Only time will tell.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Jdub -

So your wife was the poor little lost girl in the woods that the big bad wolf preyed on?

Well that excuses EVERYTHING! That just totally erases the fact that she's an adult, she's married to you and she knew ****ing another guy was wrong. 

I can see now why you just swept it all under the rug! She was innocent! 

Smmfh...


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

GoldenR said:


> Jdub -
> 
> So your wife was the poor little lost girl in the woods that the big bad wolf preyed on?
> 
> ...


You should probably read ALL of the posts before posting. I went over that in a previous post.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Jdub, your wife didn't "fall for it." She was a willing participant. If you are going to continue in your marriage, you need to do so with open eyes. That means accepting that your wife did this because she wanted to, not because the OM was a "predator."

The problem with the narrative you've built up is that it can easily come crashing down at some point in the future. You'll bounce right back here when that happens. You need to put 100% of the blame on your wife, step back, and make doubly sure that you can live with that for the long term.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Galabar01 said:


> Jdub, your wife didn't "fall for it." She was a willing participant. If you are going to continue in your marriage, you need to do so with open eyes. That means accepting that your wife did this because she wanted to, not because the OM was a "predator."
> 
> The problem with the narrative you've built up is that it can easily come crashing down at some point in the future. You'll bounce right back here when that happens. You need to put 100% of the blame on your wife, step back, and make doubly sure that you can live with that for the long term.


You completely have ignored the part where I wrote that my wife admitted just that very thing. She fell for it, but was looking to hurt me. So yeah, she wanted to do it. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain that you feel the need to bash other people. But please, read every word of my posts before you pile on.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jdub said:


> She works out of her home and is very busy with her kids activities and spends a good deal of time with family. I haven't texted her outside of a legitimate text regarding something I was doing for some kids that she's also involved in in a week. She actually hasn't texted me either. I honestly don't think that either one of us will even mention it. She is very hurt right now from her husbands long term affair and then her trying to repair the marriage for over a year before finding out that her husband lied and was still in a full blown affair, so she kicked him out and filed for divorce. I have been there supporting her (along with my wife) through the entire thing. Yes, she treats me different than I see her treating other men, but I have also been doing things for her that I probably shouldn't have been doing, like scooping her driveway, buying her ice cream when she has a hard day, texting her funny memes, being there to listen to her, etc. So I agree, that if I left my wife and went after her, even if she was interested in me too, eventually the fog would lift and things would probably go bad and I would regret it. I told my wife because I want my current marriage to work. We have over 20 years invested in this thing.
> 
> I have been in the wrong and am trying to do right. So is my wife. Her friend is trying to heal as I am and my protection instinct and compassion has clouded my judgement and that's probably not a strong enough way to put it.



Correction.

You have 12 years invested and 8 years of hell. Can you even remember what the good old days felt like?

7 years from DDay and you still have not healed from her ****ing another. Not just having sex with him but planning on leaving you and taking your kids from you. 

She is obviously going through the motions but is she honestly doing everything she can to repair what she has broken? It doesn’t sound like she is from what you have posted.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Jdub said:


> That's what I'm trying to do my man. That's why I came on here and outed myself to my wife. I knew I was down a bad path and needed help. As far as what she is goes, I really think that she is lost and doesn't know which way is up and is trying to find her way after being cheated on. As far as her in-laws go, they're going to choose their relative over an ex in-law. But you also may very well be correct. Only time will tell.


I’m female. Again, we don’t find men sexy of very masculine who are demeaning themselves to help women, you care to much about fixing her. Just coming from a woman’s side.

I’m not divorced or needy but I was often approached by married men for help here and there, a decade ago when I was badly injured. I declined - women offered help too.

It has the opposite effect, I don’t see it as heroic at all. If I was an emotional mess or had emotional issues, I’d run far from a man bending over to comfort me and think he had bigger issues than mine. Just my women’s perspective. It’s not at all attractive to run after a hot mess that nobody wants to spend their time on. It says more about you than her. Hope that helps, I’ll stop now, I think I’ve said enough and heard enough about your family friend.

Keep the focus on your wife and I really hope you both keep going in the direction you’re going in, it really sounds like she’s opening up and owning her issues and holding herself accountable.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m female. Again, we don’t find men sexy of very masculine who are demeaning themselves to help women, you care to much about fixing her. Just coming from a woman’s side.
> 
> I’m not divorced or needy but I was often approached by married men for help here and there, a decade ago when I was badly injured. I declined - women offered help too.
> 
> ...


She is owning everything and has has figured out what heavy lifting is and is doing it. Thank you for your input, I really do appreciate it.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

Jdub said:


> As far as whether or not she has the same feeling for me goes, I don't know. She knows that I am very careful around other women as is she around other men. She has mentioned to me once after she called a kid she knows a cutesy name and I said "hi" that I should be careful because we don't want any rumors going around about us. We live in a very small town. So being careful about such things is a pretty natural thing living around here. In our texting, she has on a few occasions sent a gif that contains xoxoxo or something along those lines. She recently sent me one of those digital touch things on iPhones with kissing lips. She immediately sent another text saying that a toddler that she was watching grabbed ahold of her phone and sent that. She also has a habit of touching my upper arm/shoulder and sometimes will rub it. When she walks by me, she will most of the time walk as close as she can without actually touching me. She laughs at most of my jokes. But it is very possible that I am misinterpreting all of this because of what happened with my wife. Like I told my wife, I don't think that I actually want to know. Either way would not be good for me mentally.


Yeah it seems pretty obvious that she wants you. Touching, suggestive messages she blames on a toddler lol, saying we need to be careful. Not sure how more obvious she could be.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Jdub -

I've read every post. 

The reason why you were vulnerable to an EA is bc your subconscious knows that accepting the narrative of the whole "predator/prey" is ********.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So still no word on whether the little lady has the hots for you? I would think your wife would have asked her.

So how did you handle yourself that your wife was so pleased with?


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Jdub said:


> Ok, sure. I guess if being nice to someone who has been a family friend for years and just watched her marriage fall apart is being a girlfriend and not a man when there was nobody else stepping in to help her. And by family, I mean her elderly mother, her kids (only a daughter left at home), and nieces and nephews who are young kids. I was looking at her like a widow. Her husbands family doesn't do much for her at all. And my wife and I are having plenty of sex. I think that we're around 20 times this month and counting and had a 6-7 day streak at one point.


This is the problem. You can't do this without ulterior motives. So don't. It's not your place. Have other people do it instead. It becomes disgusting when you do with motives like that.. that is you convince yourself that it's to help her....it might have been at first but now you've identified it has been morphed into something else. Remove yourself for your sake. 


Love lucky said something and I hope you didn't miss it. Likes attract. You both have similar trauma.. it's like the bridge effect. It can act like genuine affection but it's not. Relationships like this generally don't not last because people have a hard time finding REAL love as a result.

Btw that drive that your feeling? Those feelings of affection and attraction? Is how your wife felt towards her AP. It's the same drive your wife's ap partner felt when we wanted to bed your wife. I'm not kidding. It's a disgusting feeling full of impurity. Its not love. While they weren't victims per say. His M.O. sounds like hes got some real goo factors from when he was a kid. He lives them out in the relationships around him. Your wife identified with something there otherwise she wouldn't have let him in. (I hope she explored why as well maybe insecurity and abandonment?) While the situation is differnt, it's the same feeling. Just a different side of the dame coin.

See it for what it is. Purge it. It can be addictive. Separate yourself from it. It can destroy your will power and your moral and values. It did with your wife 7 years ago. 

I wouldn't make any decisions in your life until you can separate yourself from this feeling.

Please find some outside help. A pro can really help guide you through this. Don't dump on your wife. Its breaking her heart. Share with her, cry with her but dont dump.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

One recommendation I would make is always include your wife on every text to this woman. Don’t send a message to her unless your wife is also on the thread. It will help greatly with transparency.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Some betrayed spouses can eventually get past the cheating and reconcile, some cannot (no matter how much they want to do it).

With mind movies 7 years out, you appear to be one of the "cannot"s. No matter how you rationalize it, you are still not over what she did. Two of the main things that has to come for a successful reconciliation is forgiveness and acceptance. You have not reached either and denial is strong.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Jdub said:


> You completely have ignored the part where I wrote that my wife admitted just that very thing. She fell for it, but was looking to hurt me. So yeah, she wanted to do it. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain that you feel the need to bash other people. But please, read every word of my posts before you pile on.


I guess what you need to add to this is the fact that not only did she want to hurt you and also feel attractive, she was attracted to the OM, was feeling horny and lusty and thought that she was entitled to do it, without a care in the world for you. Then you have a complete understanding of what you have forgiven.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> You’re still in love with the other woman. Badly so.
> 
> And your double standards are going to destroy much of your life. I would think it should bring you closer to your wife? You both had affairs, yet in your mind there is anger and rage towards her, but yet love and admiration for the OW?
> 
> ...



What are you talking about. The OW here had the husband that never stopped cheating on her? 

OP isn’t in love with his wife because she was ****ing another and getting ready to leave him. 

The only reason he stay with the cheater was for his kids and the narrative that she was the victim of the predator that went after his innocent wife. Innocent, right. 😂😂😂😂

He fell for this other woman because his wife doesn’t occupy that place in his heart anymore.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You need to understand something. 

Your wife’s lover had nothing to do with your wife cheating on you. If it wasn’t him, it would have been someone else. It could of actually been someone she would have left you for.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

x


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Ah this is just! I remember now! How are you brah? Now I can put the two threads together. 

Hey man. Dont judge your ww while having feelings for another gal. The judgment is unfair and biased. What you can do is accept your wife is human. Reestablish and communicate proper boundries. 

You chose to R. Now stick with it or get out. Don't half ass it. Don't look down on her or try to throw moral judgment. Just keep working through your triggers with communication or communicate you want out. Dont be lukewarm. Thats devastating to the both of you.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

GoldenR said:


> Jdub -
> 
> So your wife was the poor little lost girl in the woods that the big bad wolf preyed on?
> 
> ...


If he is a Baptist minister then he had to sweep it. If he had divorced her or outed her the convention would have revoked his ordination. A pastor who cannot control his wife cannot be allowed to continue as the head of a church.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Kids are older now. Life's too short.
Still unhappy after 7 years? Probably the same in another 7, quite typical with R.
You're having an EA as it is. Would you show the funny memes & mild flirtation texts to WS?
OW is no Snow White - WS is her bestie, that's 'off'. So the fallout will be big, esp cos you're a minister, a public figure. Isn't an A, even an EA breaking the rules? Is OW in the church too?
Either divorce first before letting it go to a PA or stay & cut ties with OW. Dunno how you can tho since she's WS's bestie.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ArthurGPym said:


> If he is a Baptist minister then he had to sweep it. If he had divorced her or outed her the convention would have revoked his ordination. A pastor who cannot control his wife cannot be allowed to continue as the head of a church.


That is not correct. I grew up in Baptist church and neighbor I grew up with is a Minister.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

********** said:


> Kids are older now. Life's too short.
> Still unhappy after 7 years? Probably the same in another 7, quite typical with R.
> You're having an EA as it is. Would you show the funny memes & mild flirtation texts to WS?
> OW is no Snow White - WS is her bestie, that's 'off'. So the fallout will be big, esp cos you're a minister, a public figure. Isn't an A, even an EA breaking the rules? Is OW in the church too?
> Either divorce first before letting it go to a PA or stay & cut ties with OW. Dunno how you can tho since she's WS's bestie.


He already did.


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## Jdub (Jun 16, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> He already did.


Ties have not been severed due the the complexity of the relationship with this woman. However, I have been completely open and honest with my wife regarding my feelings towards this OW, and also she had stopped texting me and then I also stopped texting her. She recently started texting again except it' now in a group text with my wife. So now anything I say to her of she says to me also goes to my wife. My wife thinks that the OW has come to terms that her feelings for me are completely inappropriate but she still wants me in her life so this is how she's moving forward. So we can still text but it's out in the open to my wife to control it from going anywhere inappropriate.

Also for clarity, this OW and I have NEVER shared our feelings for each other. My wife is the one who thinks this OW has feelings for me based on how she acts around me and talks about me when she is around my wife.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jdub said:


> Ties have not been severed due the the complexity of the relationship with this woman. However, I have been completely open and honest with my wife regarding my feelings towards this OW, and also she had stopped texting me and then I also stopped texting her. She recently started texting again except it' now in a group text with my wife. So now anything I say to her of she says to me also goes to my wife. My wife thinks that the OW has come to terms that her feelings for me are completely inappropriate but she still wants me in her life so this is how she's moving forward. So we can still text but it's out in the open to my wife to control it from going anywhere inappropriate.
> 
> Also for clarity, this OW and I have NEVER shared our feelings for each other. My wife is the one who thinks this OW has feelings for me based on how she acts around me and talks about me when she is around my wife.


I don't know how you did it. I know preachers have to have a calling to be able to hear all the crap from their congregation and not get depressed and go nuts. I could not have remained with spouse that cheated. It would be nuclear fallout.

I teach the teen class and alternate out adult SS at my church between the pastor and another board member. And I see what he deals with. I do not know how he remains so diplomatic with people.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Sorry @Jdub I misunderstood, didn't realise your first post was back in 2021, thought it was recent. 
Good to hear it's resolved.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> That is not correct. I grew up in Baptist church and neighbor I grew up with is a Minister.


Then whatever convention it is must be relaxing their rules. When I was a kid growing up in the SB church no one who was divorced could hold any kind of ordained position. Times must be a changing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ArthurGPym said:


> If he is a Baptist minister then he had to sweep it. If he had divorced her or outed her the convention would have revoked his ordination. A pastor who cannot control his wife cannot be allowed to continue as the head of a church.


not wishing to get into a religious debate but that is based on a tradition of men and not sound Biblical teachings.



Rethinking


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> not wishing to get into a religious debate but that is based on a tradition of men and not sound Biblical teachings.
> 
> 
> 
> Rethinking


Correct the Bible says husband to only 1 wife, if memory serves. There are a lot of denominations that don't adhere to many of the teachings of the Bible


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ArthurGPym said:


> Then whatever convention it is must be relaxing their rules. When I was a kid growing up in the SB church no one who was divorced could hold any kind of ordained position. Times must be a changing.


I believe it depends on each individual Church.

One that I was at, the preacher had a EA with one of the women going there. As far as I know they developed feelings for one another during counseling. He stood up in front of the Church and and confessed to what happened. He never mentioned who the woman was. He then stepped down as the preacher until the Church made a decision on what to do. He is human and didn’t guard his heart. He also lives by what he preaches, he sinned, confessed publicly and took responsibility for what he had done.

The deacons voted to relieve him of his duties at the church.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

ABHale said:


> The deacons voted to relieve him of his duties at the church.


One of our pastors once told me that there are two things that will get a pastor in trouble quicker than anything; money and women.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Correct the Bible says husband to only 1 wife, if memory serves. There are a lot of denominations that don't adhere to many of the teachings of the Bible


The Bible says teachers should only have one wife.

It also talks about the king the Israelites would place over them when they came out of Egypt. Saying he shouldn’t multiply wives, horses and silver.

Exodus 21:10 talks about the duty of a husband if he takes another wife.

Not that I am into multiple wives. I have my hands full with the one I have.


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