# AHHHH. The stupidity.



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So we've been making alot of forward motion. He's been crazy honest. And even though sometimes honesty hurts its nothing compared to being lied to. In all the time since Late Feb-early March d week really he has only blameshifted once and it was relatively brief. 

He said "the reason I talk to her is b/c I can talk to her about work and You dont want to hear it, wont let me talk about work. so I talk to her...." Well as we all know, if they'd ONLY been talking about work we wouldnt be here, right?

So last night was blameshifting #2.

I said "Why didnt you listen to me in November when you knew it was out of hand?" His reply.....OMG! "Well I was gonna prove to you taht there was nothing to worry about by pressing forward with her. and honestly if you hadnt mentioned it in NOV it would likely not have escalated to the point that it did for another 6 mos or so"..........UFB!

REALLYYY!!!?????? So If I'd have just not noticed he was having an affair it would not have progressed.....UM, wow.:scratchhead:

I called him on it HARD. Firstly bc I knew this to be untrue. The reason I mentioned it in Nov was because it was escalating. He was mentioning her alot, refusing to take any days off, had his phone set to beep if she sent an email, and was emailing her every 10-15 minutes daily while at work. Plus having in person conversations while putting his work to the side, talking to her on the phone when she wasnt in and doing everything he could to spend as much time as possible with her. THATS WHY I said something in NOV. 

Just when you think youre moving forward, huh???


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Every once in a while I get told something that just makes me go w..............t................F!!!! I think sometimes they say whatever piece of drivel pops into their head without thinking about it at ALL.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I dont understand. Its like they are at times incapable of clear thought? I mean " to prove that there was nothing there- i ramped up my attachement to her"????????? WHAT??? Wow. Guess if I'd have asked too many more times he'd have had to fvck her to prove nothing was going on????!!

What am I supposed to do with this? really? Blameshifitng to me is the ultimate insult. And not remorseful. I believe he is remorseful but he has these kinds of moments when I just think "wow, it would be so much easier to just move on..." Its like they arent capable of thinking like rational people. But I know he is capable. Its like he just takes a stupid pill every so often? For someone so damned intelligent- GOD he's dumb.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Every once in a while I get told something that just makes me go w..............t................F!!!! I think sometimes they say whatever piece of drivel pops into their head without thinking about it at ALL.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I get that but WHY? I mean this is the single most important topic of their lives I would think, right? Should be at least. Seems like they would have thought this thru over and over and had so many answers to the questions. And if they dont it doesnt seem like default should be to dump it on you...or to just say something, anything no matter how damaging. I mean if someone tells me a loved one died I dont respond with "aw. Guess she had it comin"! Right??? I respond with a thought out answer. When he asks me questions on this subject I think thru hard and sometimes long but I dont just dump a bunch of bull out there hoping something will stick.

"it wouldnt have escalated as quickly as it did. Prob would have taken another 6 mos or so...." How else can I take that????


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I sometimes save it for MC. We have an appt this afternoon as a matter of fact.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I get that but WHY? I mean this is the single most important topic of their lives I would think, right? Should be at least. Seems like they would have thought this thru over and over and had so many answers to the questions. And if they dont it doesnt seem like default should be to dump it on you...or to just say something, anything no matter how damaging. I mean if someone tells me a loved one died I dont respond with "aw. Guess she had it comin"! Right??? I respond with a thought out answer. When he asks me questions on this subject I think thru hard and sometimes long but I dont just dump a bunch of bull out there hoping something will stick.
> 
> "it wouldnt have escalated as quickly as it did. Prob would have taken another 6 mos or so...." How else can I take that????


Tells me one thing for sure....he had NO intention of stopping on his own.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband admits he had no intention of stopping. He hadn't actually gotten any sex yet when I discovered what he was up to either. When he did finally end up going physical he felt like he wanted to puke. My guess is that he would have either gone through with it and then felt so much like **** that eventually he would have stopped and buried it and then admitted it at some point, or else he would have done it once, felt horrible, done it again, felt less horrible, and just kept doing it because he was desensitized to the guilt. Either way he would have been relieved if/when I found out.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband admits he had no intention of stopping. He hadn't actually gotten any sex yet when I discovered what he was up to either. When he did finally end up going physical he felt like he wanted to puke. My guess is that he would have either gone through with it and then felt so much like **** that eventually he would have stopped and buried it and then admitted it at some point, or else he would have done it once, felt horrible, done it again, felt less horrible, and just kept doing it because he was desensitized to the guilt. Either way he would have been relieved if/when I found out.


This I believe. My H has said he feels better. Relieved not to be living a divided life. Not to be being two people. I believe that but I think likely there is an element of boredom too b/c he doesnt have his 'drug' to keep him high all the time. Sometimes I look at him and he looks so sad. Just in such a daze. I wonder what he's thinking about. Is it her? Is it the mess he's in? Is it me? Is it all of it? I wish I could read his mind. 

You know the 'funny' part is he didnt even really know her. Doesnt know her middle name, her birthday, her kids names???? Seriously, he doesnt. He told me her middle name and it was wrong....he completely created her. Its unbelieveable the world they can create. I know more about her than he does, something wrong with that. I mean if Im gonna give up my happy life for someone- Im gonna know an awful lot about them....


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Not wanting to sound mean with this question...
But,, if they admit that they had no intention of stopping their A, how do you still feel secure in R? 

I couldn't get to the step of R, even though he stopped after I caught him. (that I know of). I just couldn't get past the thought that I was second to him...or I guess I should say third...

How do you feel people are different that admit it's a deal breaker no matter the situation? 

I'm not trying to find a way to R at all,,, I have my mind set. Yes there were other factors with us which may be an influence also. I know everyones situation is different. 

This is just wanting a different perspective/opinion.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

I got the "if you hadn't made such a big deal about our friendship it wouldn't have reached this point" line. Wow. Just wow. So I stand back and let you destroy our children's lives. Sounds like a great plan to me.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

The reason the A works and the reason they can justify it are the same reason it makes no sense. They've created a fantasy in their head. It's not based on any kind of reality. That's why it falls apart if they take it all the way.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Ovid said:


> The reason the A works and the reason they can justify it are the same reason it makes no sense. They've created a fantasy in their head. It's not based on any kind of reality. That's why it falls apart if they take it all the way.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ShatteredinAL said:


> I got the "if you hadn't made such a big deal about our friendship it wouldn't have reached this point" line. Wow. Just wow. So I stand back and let you destroy our children's lives. Sounds like a great plan to me.


Pretty much what it sounds like. Right. The stupid part is it DIDNT escalate in Nov. I was watching it. I'd say it stayed about the same thru Oct, Nov and some of Dec before it started dying off b/c I came down on the both of them. Went straight to her and asked her if she'd like to keep her "powerful" job and she pretty much pulled back. It still took him a month or so to start slowing down. Til end of Feb or first of march to cut it off and that was after dday or dweek should I say. 

I dont think ANY affair is gonna naturally die out within the first year. NO way. It started in February-March and went thru the following Feb-March. So 1 year isnt gonna kill it. I guess I should have said more so he could have given himself permission to further 'prove' to me nothing was happening by screwing her silly?! Im telling you , I dont understand the thought process of a cheater. I really really dont. Now if he'd said "i did what I wanted to do and I was holding on tighter b/c I was worried you were gonna blow it wide open" then I could have maybe bought that but I dont think he honestly gave it that much thought. His ONLY thought was of HIM and HER. Nothing more. He wasnt proving a thing to ME. He was just doing what he wanted, being selfish. None of this ever had anything to do with me. If it had- he would have stopped. Its clear the only person he was considering is MR. Ctu.

If he'd made this comment 5 months ago I could have understood more but NOW? Does it mean he's still in the fog? What does it mean that he says this NOW? Thats my biggest thing. He's had long enough to get some clarity. NC for 5 months. NOW he's throwing out more blameshifting?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You'll drive yourself nuts if you want to really understand what goes on in the mind of a cheater. It totally defies logic.

I feel secure R'ing because he's being so honest. Telling me he had no intention of stopping back then is honest. And that WAS him, then. He really did think he could have his cake and eat it too. The fantasy world was very alive and well. Me finding out pretty much burst the bubble universe the fantasy existed in - it no longer WAS fantasy and he couldn't convince himself it was any more.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You'll drive yourself nuts if you want to really understand what goes on in the mind of a cheater. It totally defies logic.
> 
> I feel secure R'ing because he's being so honest. Telling me he had no intention of stopping back then is honest. And that WAS him, then. He really did think he could have his cake and eat it too. The fantasy world was very alive and well. Me finding out pretty much burst the bubble universe the fantasy existed in - it no longer WAS fantasy and he couldn't convince himself it was any more.


yeah, he's said he had no intention of letting it go. he liked it right where it was. I said how much longer b/f you started having sex? He said "i cant answer that. I had no plans for it but I cant say it wouldnt have happened" I think in his head that was his boundary. As long as he wasnt having sex with her it was all ok....Pretty much what he said. That he planned on keeping me and her. Blah. I dont really know how he thought that was gonna work since he was having what he thought at the time was real feelings for her and finding fault in me. IM not sure how he thought that was gonna work out but I dont think he really was processing beyond right here and now.

I guess it just concerns me with this latest comment that he is still in the fog.... That is scary. He seemed to be doing so well.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Of course they do...the best of both worlds. The secure and the forbidden. Makes them feel alive. If it didn't feel good, they wouldn't do it or continue it. 

I struggle with those same issues--- perhaps a bit of the fog mind set always lingers. I agree with you on another point _they don't process_ how it will work out, they just live in the moment. They escape into the bliss because they don't even have to face themselves in that bubble. 

It's scary because it feels like it could happen again. There are no guarantees of monogamy in most relationships. This forum is evidence of that.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Of course they do...the best of both worlds. The secure and the forbidden. Makes them feel alive. If it didn't feel good, they wouldn't do it or continue it.
> 
> I struggle with those same issues--- perhaps a bit of the fog mind set always lingers. I agree with you on another point _they don't process_ how it will work out, they just live in the moment. They escape into the bliss because they don't even have to face themselves in that bubble.
> 
> It's scary because it feels like it could happen again. There are no guarantees of monogamy in most relationships. This forum is evidence of that.


Just living in th moment.... that kills me. Forget about the sick kid, the bills, the job, the wife...UFB.

I think the part that I find hardest to forgive is that we had a very sick little girl while he was doing this. she wasnt his priority. Thats a hard pill to swallow. How can you put some chick you barely know above your child??? I can see above me if thats what he's gotta do, but the child? AND the idea that he spoke to OW about our child enrages me. Dont use her as a pawn in your debachery. Keep on the important subjects like puppies and rainbows. Leave her out of it. Get your sympathy somewhere else.....end rant.

Feeling better today. We had a long talk. He knows where the conversation went wrong and that he needs to be careful laying any blame on anyone besides himself. 

Ahhh, infidelity- the gift that just keeps on giving...


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Oh, that reminds me of something similar in my situation. Our son was hospitalized with pneumonia during his affair and he was taking photos of him while he was in the ER room and sending those to her as "proof" that he was telling the truth. I later found photos of our house, several self portraits from his iPad and even food from our meals out, especially fancy desserts. Talk about wanting to face palm myself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's just messed. My husband used a picture of himself that I took at Christmas for his profile picture on Adult Friend Finder. *GAG* As far as I know he never sent anyone any pictures of anything except his junk. *DOUBLE GAG*


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Gag and double gag is right. My H was texting her on our way out of the oncologists office..... REALLY!?!? And practically flew back to work afterward. Gag and double gag. And get this.....because SHE was so concerned about our daughter...SHE was in tears!!! UFB.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is really hard to read. Your fortitude is so admirable.

Regarding the blameshifting - my H is fond of saying that 'people need to lie to themselves; otherwise, they couldn't live with themselves.'

I think some people simply want to believe that they are not the bad people that their actions seem to say they are. I think they really believe their own lies. If you tell yourself something often enough, your memory can take it on as the truth.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

yes. he fully admits that he was lying to himself to justify his actions. Rewriting history as it were. He really has made great strides forward. Thats the trouble w/R its two steps forward and three steps back for a good while. He is being more honest now than he has been in almost 2 years so Im trying not to crucify him so it will continue...

Thankfully I have you good people to vent to so I can handle the bumps in the road. he really is a good man who seems to have lost his way. Im hoping we are on the road to a better marriage but Im sure it wont be without further pain.

Today I asked him to sign a post nup- stating that if he repeats these actions he will pay a very heavy financial penalty upon our divorce. He AGREED to do so.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Today I asked him to sign a post nup- stating that if he repeats these actions he will pay a very heavy financial penalty upon our divorce. He AGREED to do so.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


>


very cute. I read most states are upholding post nups now so long as they are drawn by an attorney. Also, it will be stipulated that he set aside funding for the divorce as well as housing....He agreed.


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