# Couples self-counseling



## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

My husband and I have just had a crisis: he was chatting and exchanging flirtatious and sexy messages with another woman. I found some of the emails and confronted him. He stopped the communication with her and deleted his chat accounts. We had a long conversation about why he did it and the problems in our marriage that have been accumulating for a while now. We agreed that we could probably use couples counseling but we cannot afford it now. So we picked up a book we've had for a while and never read, "101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married", and started reading it out loud and then talking about each chapter. We are going to try and make little "sessions" out of it. It seems to be working for now and we end saying things to each other that have never been said.
Can someone please tell me if it is a reasonable way to do "couple counseling for the poor"? Does it make any sense? Or are we just kidding ourselves and should do the real thing?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont think you're kidding yourself. One of the most helpful things my H and I ever did was just like what you are doing; we read a book called Boundaries in Marriage and we would write each others answers in a workbook. That has helped so much with our resentment. I think doing that has helped us more then any counseling we ever did.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Kidding yourselves? Heck no. Actually, you are wise to do this and wise to go about it the way that you are. The fact is there is nothing new under the sun. Every couple has problems. Were it not so, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. And, all couples have the same problems, meaning whatever your particular problems are/were, so many others have the same ones. Read these boards and other marriage forums and you'll see what I mean. The same problems repeated over and over. Nothing changes but names.

Just remember to keep up the effort. Marriage is a constant work in progress, and neither of you can afford to become lax and complacent. There is lots more you both can do together to build a loving relationship and strong marriage.

This movie is great for the home fires (wink wink). Rent it. Watch it. Follow the principles. You can watch the movie and then get the book that accompanies it. You will fall in love all over again, while learning to love unconditionally. The movie and the book were produced by a religious group. If you are not religious, then just ignore any religious references because the basic principles are general, universal, and very worthwhile.

Go to MarriageBuilders.com and learn about the love bank and love busters. Print out 2 copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Each of you fill one out and then discuss the answers with each other. The objective is to learn each other's love busters. Once you fill out the questionnaire and discuss the answers, you have to stop doing the things you do that he dislikes, and he has to stop doing the things he does that you dislike.

Next, discover each other's love language. The basic emotional needs are easy to fulfill when you know what they are. Neither of you will need an outside person for attention or the loving affirmations when you and your husband are able to connect with each other. After all, it is each other you expect these things from, so there's no reason you can't provide and receive them from the person you married.

I have no doubt the book you're reading is very helpful, so please continue by all means. I'm not suggesting you stop reading THAT book and do these other things. I'm suggesting you do it all. The only difference is these things I've suggested here are specific to you and your husband, where you get to rekindle your love all over again, explore each other's likes and dislikes, and fulfill each other's emotional needs. It's all a lot of fun to do together even though it is work, which working on your marriage is never ending. My best wishes to you both.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I vouch for marriagebuilders.com, and their questionnaires. The key to a happy marriage is to keep communicating; once you stop telling your spouse what you're thinking, it's downhill from there. 

They recommend:
15 hours a week together, apart from chore and kid time. Like you're still dating.
One hour a week where you sit down and discuss the marriage in a non-threatening way.
Using the LB and EN questionnaires to honestly stop LBing each other and start meeting your spouse's top 5 ENs.
Read His Needs Her Needs together.
Stay out of your rut (I added that one). Do new things, try new stuff, take classes together, go to new restaurants...out of your rut.

Do these things, you'll be fine.


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## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

Thank you all for your support and suggestions. We will definitely try at least some of these things. I have just started on here but it is good to know I have somewhere to go if I need to talk to someone.


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