# Need Advice - Can't stay faithful



## Aussie969 (Aug 16, 2010)

Hi,

Please don't slam me too much here - I'm after help, not criticism.

I've been married for 14 years and have not been faithful for any of those 14 years. I've moved around a lot from state to state and lived in 2 countries and everywhere I go I'm always getting myself into trouble.

Whether it is a one night stand away on a business trip, or a full fledged affair, I've done them all and can't seem to stop. I have never been caught and so my wife knows nothing about my indiscretions. I'm not sure how I've survived 14 years but I have and I can't seem to stop.

I know this is very wrong and obviously have marital issues that I have been struggling with but my wife is a very religious woman and divorce is not an option for her (except in obviously extreme cases).

I want to leave her because I know I can't go on like this, but should I tell her about my past or should I just let it go and move on? 

She has recently started questioning me about whether I am having an affair (which I currently am) and I've always just said no. From her perspective, should I just say I've grown apart from her and don't love her anymore, or should I confess to my life of indiscretions and let that be the end of our relationship? 

Which would be easier? To be rejected as a person or to be rejected due to infidelity?


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Infidelity seems to be a part of your person so you will be rejected on both fronts either way. How horrible, I feel terrible for your wife. 
You sound pretty resigned that this relationship is over. Tell her, get it over with. Strip clubs and other countries?? She deserves to know based on the fact that she needs to immediately get tested for every STD under the sun whether you have/had anything or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I agree with Josh, and especially about the testing assuming you two have had sex over the past 14 years.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

You owe it to your wife to tell her the truth and let her decide if she wants to accept your extra relationships or let you go. By not being open and honest with your wife about this or anything else you are taking away her power to choose what she wants in this relationship as well, and that isn't what being in a marriage is about.

I don't judge you, I don't think you are a terrible person. You simply need to own up to your choices and be willing to accept the good and the bad that come with them. But as it stands right now you have taken away all choice from the person you made a promise to when you married.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

replace can't with won't. You can stop, you just don't want to. But I am in agreement with the others. Tell your wife the truth, let her get tested for anything and everything and let her choose what she wants out of this life.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Does it even matter what she really wants though? From what I gathered from the post was that he wants out of the marriage anyway and wants to come to a decision of how clear his conscience should be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I agree with the others that OP should tell his wife the truth, and they are not "indiscretions" they are adultery. Even if she is a religious woman, adultery is the one moral reason given in many religions for divorce, and since OP freely admits to being a serial cheater who refuses to do the personal work to stop...I'd say at least give the woman the peace of mind of telling her the truth and giving her the only moral option she has so she can divorce with a clean conscience. 

So add another tally to the "change can't to won't" and another tally to TELL THE TRUTH. Due to your choice to commit adultery, she may have been exposed to who knows what diseases and she deserves the respect of having all the facts so she can take care of herself and decide for herself.


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## Aussie969 (Aug 16, 2010)

Thanks for all your advice. I think I made myself sound a lot worse than I really am. I have had 4 affairs while I've been married and have probably slept with 10 or 15 other women. I've been discrete and have always used protection and have had regular STD checks and am disease free. 

I have decided it's best to be out of the marriage - my behavior is not fair to her and I realize that. My question was more about what to communicate to her:

1) Should I even mention the affairs?

OR

2) Should I just say I'm not in love anymore and use that as the reason to move on?

She is very in love with me and doesn't want to lose me, but I know it's not right what I have done and I know I will continue in the future. We are more friends than lovers and that's my justification for straying (as wrong as it is). 

She deserves better and I really want this to be as painless on her as possible - she's done nothing wrong so she doesn't deserve the hurt - i do.

Any advice?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Can't honestly say that changes my thoughts one bit. 

Tell the truth. Let her know that she has more than moral reason to be released from you, and let her leave you with a free conscience.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Aussie969 said:


> Thanks for all your advice. I think I made myself sound a lot worse than I really am. I have had 4 affairs while I've been married and have probably slept with 10 or 15 other women.


You're joking, right?

You have made yourself out to be what you are--the worst kind of husband. A fraud who thinks nothing of his marriage vows to his wife.

You are a piece of work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

michzz said:


> You're joking, right?
> 
> You have made yourself out to be what you are--the worst kind of husband. A fraud who thinks nothing of his marriage vows to his wife.
> 
> ...


I have to say I completely agree with michzz here - your vows - your promise to a woman who loves you seem to mean absolutely nothing. Unless you take the time and effort to learn what it means to give someone your word, and learn that keeping a promise means the difference between an honorable person and a useless scoundrel, I'd say you had better _at the very least_ move away (separate) from your wife to avoid belittling, using, denigrating, and humiliating her further!


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

This is one of those instances I mentioned in another thread-- a spouse who just won't stay faithful no matter how good or bad life is at home. That's why it's tricky to try to pinpoint reasons for infidelity sometimes. 

But I'd say be totally upfront with her, it's the least you can do. You've lied to her all this time, don't make your last action a lie. Even if you tell yourself it's for a noble reason it's still a lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You asked about telling her why you want out or just telling her you want out. Tell her the truth. She deserves that much from you.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

IMHO you possibly have an addiction. Most likely in fact. People don't realize how addictions can take control of their lives. I would say first step is to tell your wife everything. Not details, but just the entire truth. Then contact a sexaholics anonymous group and go through the twelve steps if you are really serious about stopping. If you feel like you can't stop, then you prob are addicted.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to tell her that you are not good enough for her and that you are not a good marriage partner because you can't be faithful.

IF you are truthful and proactively leave while offering the truth, it will hurt tremendously in the short term, but in the long term there may be a sliver of respect - from her - and self respect you can reward your with.

Oh, and go to hell after.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

You came here for an answer to how best to leave your marriage. I understand your struggle with not wanting to hurt your wife with the truth over the last 14 years of behavior. However, it would be less hurtful to hear that you have come to the conclusion that it is just not in you to be monogamous. You can tell her you love her as friends, and always have. Its just not in you to have one partner. She will probably ask you if you have had an affair (bc you mentioned she already has), so you will need to be prepared for her accepting that you lied to her on top of the revelation of your true self. In other words, you will need to be very strong and silent and let her ask questions... this will be all new to her. Since I dont know your wife, I dont know how she will respond... anger, confusion, tears, silence... be prepared for anything and respond with the love you say you have for her... you know her... if she needs to be alone, let her, if she needs to lash at you, let her... 

It would be less hurtful to hear that she didnt do anything (as women that is one of the first conclusions we jump to). However, whatever way you tell her you are leaving, will hurt if she loves you the way you expressed. 

You are right about it not being fair to her to stay married in a lie, but its also not fair to you as you do not enjoy a monogamous relationship/lifestyle. Better to know yourself and your limitations and live by them than to live your life confined and lying about it. I hope this helps, but the decision is up to you. Who knows, maybe she will accept you as you are and have an open marriage arrangement... which sounds like it would be very appealing to you (I had one with my ex after 9 years of marriage and realizing we werent going to sleep with each other anymore... it had been 3 years... and couldnt do anything with another man bc of ethics... I kick myself now that I find myself in a near sexless marriage.

Best of luck! Msg me if you want to know how I approached my ex about the open marriage and was successful...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I'm sorry that you don't seem to get what it means to protect someone you love and how to be a man of honor but you yourself you won't stop this behavior.
Your wife I assume has stood beside you and has loved you through everything in your marriage......
You owe her at least the truth to what her life has been.....one big lie......come totally clean, make sure she knows that this had nothing to do with her and that she did everything that was right and expected of her......
She has the right to know and to make decisions about her own life and marriage........
You have taken a lot from her with all your selfishness you owe her a truthful end.......
Then you leave quickly so she doesn't have to live in the same house as you while she heals from all this turmoil she is going to feel because of your decisions......
I hope you get some help and I would suggest you don't engage in any kind of relationship again, you are someone that should just play the field without any commitment.......
Let her move on to find a man willing to love her and only her.....


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## Aussie969 (Aug 16, 2010)

toolate said:


> You came here for an answer to how best to leave your marriage. I understand your struggle with not wanting to hurt your wife with the truth over the last 14 years of behavior. However, it would be less hurtful to hear that you have come to the conclusion that it is just not in you to be monogamous. You can tell her you love her as friends, and always have. Its just not in you to have one partner. She will probably ask you if you have had an affair (bc you mentioned she already has), so you will need to be prepared for her accepting that you lied to her on top of the revelation of your true self. In other words, you will need to be very strong and silent and let her ask questions... this will be all new to her. Since I dont know your wife, I dont know how she will respond... anger, confusion, tears, silence... be prepared for anything and respond with the love you say you have for her... you know her... if she needs to be alone, let her, if she needs to lash at you, let her...
> 
> It would be less hurtful to hear that she didnt do anything (as women that is one of the first conclusions we jump to). However, whatever way you tell her you are leaving, will hurt if she loves you the way you expressed.
> 
> ...


This is exactly the type of advise I was looking for - not all the abuse from others. I know what I'm doing is wrong and while she has been a ***** and neglected me, I haven't drawn that out so put the blame on her. I am accepting that I am a pathetic man and shouldn't be in a relationship and I am here asking how to let her know in the manner that will hurt her the least.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Aussie969 said:


> I am accepting that I am a pathetic man and shouldn't be in a relationship and I am here asking how to let her know in the manner that will hurt her the least.


Honestly in your situation? I don't believe that's possible. It's akin to asking someone would you rather me cut off your finger or your toe? Either way it's going to hurt. You've done it too many times, and too long for it to come across in any less painful of a way. There is no EASY button with the mess you are in. You have multiple instances of infidelity, many, many years of lying.

Honestly if you were so worried about her feelings and less about yourself, you never would have cheated in the first place. It's a little late for any less-hurtful way to break it to her.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Do you think you might have a sex addiction? Sounds like you've done the whole kit and kaboodle - affairs, one nighters, etc. You say you are always getting yourself in to trouble - gives the impression that you know what you're doing is wrong but you are powerless to stop it. If this is the case, it would probably be a good idea to first decide whether you are ready to give it up and work towards beating this addiction (which is a huge slog - a lot of hard work but in the end it is all worth it because you also improve yourself as a person). It would probably be fair in this case to tell your wife about your addiction, be totally open and honest with her, tell her everything and let her decide if she wants to continue on with you through your journey to wellness. She may, she may not, but either way you need to break this habit.

If you don't think it's an addiction and its just that you're not in love with her anymore or not ready continue in married life, then that is a whole other kettle of fish. The other people have covered that very well already. I just wanted to bring up the addiction thing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Aussie,

I don't think your adultary has anything to do with whatever you feel or don't feel for your wife. You can't get love from a one-night stand, so the practice must feed some other need. Ending your marriage might be best for your wife but it isn't going to fix your problem. I don't know if it's as much a marital issue as a psychological or psychiatric one. We all have to justify to ourselves anything we do. It would be only natural for a man who cheats to say he did so because he no longer felt love for his wife. That answer would make sense if the man substituted a new committed love affair for the lost committed love affair. This doesn't seem to be the case. I think you need to figure out why you're doing it first and then you'll understand how best to proceed.


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