# How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings



## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

I was cheated on a year ago. Our son was two months old when I confirmed what I knew was happening. I decided to try to reconcile. I've been worried lately that it might be happening again so I've been tracking him using find my iphone and using a voice activated recorder. I hate doing this, but I need to know.

My issue is, I can hear him whistling at girls while he's driving around and he's had a couple conversations with male friends about women passing by that I'm not thrilled about. Nothing damning, just commentary. 

So how bad is this? I don't know how to take it and my perspectives are all messed up because of this emotional roller coaster.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's bad.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Your husband isn't dead! Personally, I think whistling at women is immature; but, you can't expect him not to notice others or even have conversations with his buddies about a pretty girl. 

If this is what you are hearing, I would say get over it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Well while there's no concrete evidence of cheating, it demonstrate his disrespect for females and especially for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The whistling is disrespectful to both his wife and the other women.

Add that to the fact that he's already been caught cheating makes it bad.

I'm cool with the commentary about pretty women.

Look, talk about, but don't touch or attempt to interact with (aka whistling).

That's crossing the line in my book.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I don't know that I agree with the other posters about the whistling and disrespect. If the window is down and he is screaming out or whistling loudly out the window to get their attention, I can see some level of disrespect, but if he is doing it in the privacy of his own vehicle for no one but himself, I don't see it in the same way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

True he is in private but still dang I'd hate to have to listen to my husband whistling at other women.

My opinion may be biased as well.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

The whistling is very disrespectful to you and to the women he is whistling at.

But, IMO, it's not worth confronting and possibly blowing the cover of your voice activated recorder.

Not saying it's right, but men whistle or cat call to let out a little testosterone. They know that there's little chance it will be well-received or get them a date. It's more of a game.

Going to online dating sites or something like that is far, far more threatening.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Yes, and if he's doing it to himself with the windows rolled up, then it really is no harm no foul.


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. I agree that it is immature and I can't be 100% sure but I think they can hear him. It's summer and he has no air conditioning in his truck. I can hear it over the loud bass of his stereo. I've accepted he can be immature about some things for sure. Mavash, you are right. It is painful to hear. And I can't confront him about it or he'll know what I'm doing. I feel like listening in is immature a bit too, but it's my last resort. I can't justify leaving him over whistling and commenting, but I'm afraid its a sign of him not taking things too seriously. I just don't know any more when I'm over analyzing things because this has been so hard. If I leave I'm alone with 2 kids and no real family or friends for support.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> The whistling is disrespectful to both his wife and the other women.





mablenc said:


> Well while there's no concrete evidence of cheating, it demonstrate his disrespect for females and especially for you.


Really? It would be if his wife were in the vehicle with him. Whistling is just juvenile.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

NatureDave said:


> Yes, and if he's doing it to himself with the windows rolled up, then it really is no harm no foul.


Wouldn't that be even more strange?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Wouldn't that be even more strange?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No different than talking to yourself or thinking out loud, which lots do to pass the time when alone.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> No different than talking to yourself or thinking out loud, which lots do to pass the time when alone.


True, it actually made me laugh to imagine him with the windows rolled up


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Depending on the context, I don't think noticing or even commenting on someone's attractiveness is necessarily disrespectful to your mate. If he said it directly to her and sounded like he was fishing, then that's one thing. If it was in private and he wasn't hitting on her or saying it to her, then that's another.

Commenting to your friends or yourself about how attractive someone is, is not solely a male behavior. Women do it too. Nor is it "cheater behavior" alone. Plenty of faithful people, (myself included) don't stop noticing attractive people once in a relationship. I'm sure I'm not the only faithful woman who has agreed with or commented to a girlfriend that this or that stranger was hot. I'm also sure plenty of faithful men do this too.

Don't get me wrong, just as I think it's normal for him to notice, I also think it's normal that you feel a bit put off when you hear your spouse express an attraction to someone else. That would bother most people. In a fantasy world, our mates would only ever be attracted to us and everyone before/after us would pale in comparison.... However, life isn't like that and attractive people don't cease to exist once you marry/commit to someone. ETA: or re-commit after cheating.

I think you hearing your H say stuff like this is more hurtful to you because of your history together. It's likely that it has reopened some old wounds that you should explore and process on your one. Unless you're willing to reveal to your H that you've been using the VAR.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Coming from a guy...that's just dumb guy shyte, with the whistling part being especially dumb. 

Don't reveal your source over something like this.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I'm guilty of the occasional comment to myself windows up, doesn't mean I ever get the woman's attention nor would I take it any further than that.
The cute little brunette in spandex pants and halter top doing stretches one leg up on a retaining wall, and it being a "nipply" morning was impossible to not notice unless I was gay.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I know for a fact if a hidden camera were on me for 24 hours, I would never be able to run for President.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> I know for a fact if a hidden camera were on me for 24 hours, I would never be able to run for President.


LOL...I'm guessing that what you might do for the hidden camera would be much less dam*ing than what our esteemed President is up to.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I'm in a committed marriage and have no desire to cheat..I do mutter to myself if I see someone breathtaking. Other than the whistling thats just normal guy behaviour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

Thanks everyone, this is really helpful. I'm extra sensitive obviously and I try to remind myself that if he were listening to everything I said during the day he probably wouldn't be happy either. More along the lines of "What an Idiot" when I hear the whistling, but still...lol This is the first day of listening to what I have on the recording. I can hear things in the background that could be bad as well, but hard to tell if its someone passing by. I have it in his work truck today where he will sit with his buddy when on break. I'm not looking forward to the listen at all. Really afraid of what I might hear because there are a couple times the past few days that I am particularly suspicious about. Not looking forward to the feelings if he does say something incriminating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I've never heard of a guy whistling that would expect more than a dirty look if he was heard. If he's whistling with another guy in the truck..........boys will be boys.

If a woman never catches her man looking he is either gay or really good at it.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Why do you think they invented sun glasses.

I remember someone once told me, it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Maybe you get tired of chicken at home every night and decide to step out for that leg of lamb you keep seeing on your ride home. At a certain point it's unhealthy to work yourself into a frenzy by coveting things you don't have. Working your appetite up too much is a bad thing if you get too hungry before you get home for dinner, or if what you have at home won't satisfy the craving you've created.

Guys learn this behavior early on and it's strongly reinforced. My dad did the catcalling / checking women out while driving and encouraged me to check out women in the same way. In school, friends will joke you're gay if, for instance, you don't ogle the substitute teacher quite as hard as they do when she bends over to pick up some chalk. Some girls will call these guys pigs - others will play right into it because they like the attention. 

Some guys don't do it, some do it more than others, but it's not completely "okay" in my opinion. Men are not blind, and I'm certainly not going to avert my eyes when beauty crosses into my line of sight, but when you cross the lines from casual observer to peeper to lecherous commentator... I think some of the innocence is lost.

I agree with others that it would be unwise to blow your cover or confront him over this, because it is relatively minor and many if not most guys do this kind of stuff to some extent, but I'd still keep my eyes or ears on him... especially given his history. He's looking, his appetite is whetted, hopefully he keeps coming home for the chicken.

This is neither innocent or guilty behavior in and of itself, but I wouldn't write it off so easily as some others, if only because of the history.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do not confront until you have something better than this. 

I would actively monitor, but it could just be dumb guy talk with his buddy.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

NatureDave said:


> The whistling is very disrespectful to you and to the women he is whistling at.
> 
> But, IMO, it's not worth confronting and possibly blowing the cover of your voice activated recorder.
> 
> ...


I have a terrible, disgusted impression of men who whistle after women on the street, honk with the car, or pass by and "pssss" or make hook-up attempts in low murmuring voice "hey mamma what an azz", etc. You know who you are, if any on here. 

Those, in my eyes, are not considered men, but some obscene creatures that creep me out and would not waste a look on while I speed up my pace.

If he whistles with the window closed, it's kind of alright. He is not as much of a jerk toward women like the ones whistling openly ;although the signal is there: you may have an womanizer of husband who would cheat on you in a heartbeat if any of those "hot babes" got into his car...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Your husband isn't dead! Personally, I think whistling at women is immature; but, you can't expect him not to notice others or even have conversations with his buddies about a pretty girl.
> 
> If this is what you are hearing, I would say get over it.


Call me a killjoy but if a married friend of mine is ogling other women, whistling or makes it a theme of a conversation, it isn't going to take long for me to ask ... "Dude, aren't you married?"


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Call me a killjoy but if a married friend of mine is ogling other women, whistling or makes it a theme of a conversation, it isn't going to take long for me to ask ... "Dude, aren't you married?"


Which of course may be why I spend time here instead of hanging out with the friends I don't have, lol. jk


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The window could be down and the girl still out of hearing distance. Just sayin'


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> The window could be down and the girl still out of hearing distance. Just sayin'


True. I'm a married man and I'm not dead ... I notice attractive women just like any other man. I don't whistle at them (even if they can't hear me), ogle at them or talk about their physical attributes with other people but they are on my radar.

It could be something or it could be nothing. If he had never cheated, I would say it's probably nothing. Since he has cheated, I'd be a little concerned that he doesn't know where the boundaries of appropriate behavior are. It is on his mind and he reacts to it in obvious ways, at the very least communicating it with his friends who probably also know that he had an affair. If he had the opportunity, would he again take advantage of it? That is why I wouldn't blow it off as just typical male behavior.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Immature then again Im a pig too just a quieter one.

Word of warning. If you even start to hear him get busy with another woman STOP IMMEDIATELY and have a trusted friend listen for you and give a heads up of what went on. Hearing your s/o in the act will destroy you in ways you can not begin to fathom.

Trust me on this. As resident VAR goon on TAM. DO NOT TRY IT. Ive listened for 4 men. Ive seen what happens a couple of times to those who ignore my warning. The damage will easily be 10X.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Immature then again Im a pig too just a quieter one.
> 
> Word of warning. If you even start to hear him get busy with another woman STOP IMMEDIATELY and have a trusted friend listen for you and give a heads up of what went on. Hearing your s/o in the act will destroy you in ways you can not begin to fathom.
> 
> Trust me on this. As resident VAR goon on TAM. DO NOT TRY IT. Ive listened for 4 men. Ive seen what happens a couple of times to those who ignore my warning. The damage will easily be 10X.


Kinda sounds like one of those horror stories where you see or hear a recording and it haunts you.

Just the idea of it is enough. Yeah, hearing some of the gritty stuff could be pretty traumatizing.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Isn't immaturity one of the things that often play a role in infidelity? How are cat calls, whistling and comments to women not showing he hadn't realized that this behaviour is part of a continuum?

Not being dead hardly justifies being immature, rude and disrespectful not only to those women but his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

I definitely think after the cheating you are reading more into this than needed, I know I try to read all sorts into things my husband says, does now as the trust has gone in who he is - on the other hand, things he says when you are not with him e lighten you to the person he actually is -
I wouldn't let on to him at all that you heard him, the time for using the recorder is if you really do hear something concrete as to his intentions or actions. And as someone says, it is torturing yourself to listen, I had a compulsion to know everything, each day I would open up the keylogger and read his words feeling like every word was kicking me in the gut. it got to the stage I felt sick as I logged in, hoping to read something about him loving me or confirming my need to feel he was a good person, and every time reading more and more that tore my heart out.  I did have a gps in his car at one time, but luckily I never heard anything, it was just this over powering need to know if he was using his phone in the car- it becomes all consuming if you are not careful)not trusting when you don't hear anything, and gut wrenching when you do - no win situation


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

How do you know he is whistling when he sees women. Maybe he just likes to whistle!!!


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

im_tam said:


> How do you know he is whistling when he sees women. Maybe he just likes to whistle!!!


I tried to tell myself that's what it was at first... lol
When he's with his work buddy the whistling is followed by comments so it's definately directed at women. They could be out of hearing distance though. I sort of passive aggressively confronted him about it tonight. We were driving behind a scooter and he jokingly used the bike signal for a left turn, trying to be funny. I said I wasn't sure if that's what he was doing or if he was waving at the woman walking down the street. He said, ya right. I said sure, you probably whistle at girls all the time when you're driving around without me. Of course he didn't say I was right. He said he gets mad at his work buddy if he yells out the window at women because that's harrassment. :scratchhead: But like I said, maybe they are out of hearing range. 
Good news is, his work buddy was talking very explicitly about his weekend sexual conquests and WH did not seem overly interested and (thank God) did not share any stories of his own. He can be pretty immature around these younger guys he works with, ie the whistling, so I think if he had something to talk about he would have.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

4myson said:


> I tried to tell myself that's what it was at first... lol
> When he's with his work buddy the whistling is followed by comments so it's definately directed at women. They could be out of hearing distance though. I sort of passive aggressively confronted him about it tonight. *We were driving behind a scooter and he jokingly used the bike signal for a left turn, trying to be funny.* I said I wasn't sure if that's what he was doing or if he was waving at the woman walking down the street. He said, ya right. I said sure, you probably whistle at girls all the time when you're driving around without me. Of course he didn't say I was right. * He said he gets mad at his work buddy if he yells out the window at women because that's harrassment.* :scratchhead: But like I said, maybe they are out of hearing range.
> Good news is, his work buddy was talking very explicitly about his weekend sexual conquests and WH did not seem overly interested and (thank God) did not share any stories of his own. * He can be pretty immature around these younger guys he works with, ie the whistling*, so I think if he had something to talk about he would have.


Yeah ... I'm sorry to say but I just sense something awry about your guy. I'm not saying he is pursuing other women but ... keep your ears and eyes open and good luck.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Word of warning. If you even start to hear him get busy with another woman STOP IMMEDIATELY and have a trusted friend listen for you and give a heads up of what went on.


My advice, if you can keep curiosity from getting the best of you, is to have a trusted friend listen to the whole thing. I don't think most folks have the self disciple to be able to cut it off once they hear the action starting.


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