# It's "no big deal"....



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I got a new job nearly a year ago. DW has been on a spending spree ever since. Home improvements, cat homes, new car, etc. We increased our debt load by more than 10k to buy her a bigger car with more features. We traded in a perfectly-good 2019 model SUV with 30k miles for a bigger, more featured, 2019 model with 19k miles.

We have debts totaling my take-home year's salary. We have assets totaling about two year's take home salary. I am nearly 70 years old.

Sorry, but to me, this IS a big deal. We should be working towards retirement of these debts. ALL of them. My resentment at this whole thing is eating me alive. I come home dead tired after a day's work. She complains that I'm "doing too much" ..... meanwhile, she has spent until 3 PM surfing the net, feeding neighborhood cats, and mollycoddling her brother's two girls, taking care of their home, their groceries, their finances, you name it.

I feel exactly like the "pay-for-it-beta-boy-pack-mule" that I am.

She came home after visiting her grandchildren and proudly announced how her high-school-sophomore granddaughter explained that "paying for the gas, pumping it, fixing the car, buying dinner..... etc, is the GUY'S responsibility"..... 

I am now becoming a liberal and will make "misandry" my buzz word.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You must put your foot down. Racking up such debts at your age is crazy. 
Tell her that this can't go on. I mean the car purchases just didn't make sense. We have a 13 year old Toyota Avensis which has done 140,000 miles, it's fine, it's reliable, we don't need a new one. I just don't understand her need for these new things all the time.

Do you have to work at your age? Do you have pensions?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She needs to get a job.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yep. Needs a job, and you need to cut cc’s and unlimited access to your paycheck


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Cut off her usage of your CC's, and change access to bank accounts to limit what she can spend or you will be in a world of hurt later in life.
If she needs the $$ and crap so badly, she needs her own source of income.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do you intend working until the day you drop?
Cancel your wife’s credit cards for starters. 
Do not co-sign any more loans.
Make sure she can’t get to the deeds of your home.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, she’s done as she pleases for a long time. Do you see a possibility of it stopping now?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She needs to get a job.


Since she wants to spend like that why isn’t SHE working to afford all that she wants to spend money on?

Seriously! Why haven’t you told her how much you resent her spending? Sitting on resentments will kill any relationship!

Speak up! Why are you afraid?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TJW said:


> I got a new job nearly a year ago. DW has been on a spending spree ever since. Home improvements, cat homes, new car, etc. We increased our debt load by more than 10k to buy her a bigger car with more features. We traded in a perfectly-good 2019 model SUV with 30k miles for a bigger, more featured, 2019 model with 19k miles.
> 
> We have debts totaling my take-home year's salary. We have assets totaling about two year's take home salary. I am nearly 70 years old.
> 
> ...


Your wife is making a big bet against the actuarial tables that nothing will happen to you in the next ten years.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> I got a new job nearly a year ago. DW has been on a spending spree ever since. Home improvements, cat homes, new car, etc. We increased our debt load by more than 10k to buy her a bigger car with more features. We traded in a perfectly-good 2019 model SUV with 30k miles for a bigger, more featured, 2019 model with 19k miles.
> 
> We have debts totaling my take-home year's salary. We have assets totaling about two year's take home salary. I am nearly 70 years old.
> 
> ...


You have to stop this nonsense!

I've got nearly twenty years to catch up to you and I wouldn't be putting up with your situation now.

Mrs. C and I are preparing for semi retirement and keeping our debt down is a requirement.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> Your wife is making a big bet against the actuarial tables that nothing will happen to you in the next ten years.


She’s probably betting on life insurance — if he has it (considering the state of his health).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW said:


> I got a new job nearly a year ago. DW has been on a spending spree ever since. Home improvements, cat homes, new car, etc. We increased our debt load by more than 10k to buy her a bigger car with more features. We traded in a perfectly-good 2019 model SUV with 30k miles for a bigger, more featured, 2019 model with 19k miles.
> 
> We have debts totaling my take-home year's salary. We have assets totaling about two year's take home salary. I am nearly 70 years old.
> 
> ...


She is buying friends and loyalty with your money.
She is biding time until your warranty expires, and then she will use your life insurance money to pay down her debts.

If not, and she continues to spend (when you have expired), she is on her own.
No one will return the generous favor/behavior unto her.

She thinks otherwise.
Um.



_King Brian-_


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

That she's this way is on her.

That you allow her and enable her to be this way is on you.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> She’s probably betting on life insurance — if he has it (considering the state of his health).


That is very cold, if true.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Seriously gotta make some changes or you’ll never get to retire and enjoy your wife like you deserve for working so hard all these years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> That is very cold, if true.


She wouldn’t be the first woman to do that. Read his old threads. This is not a new problem.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

You and her should be striving to be debt free sooner than later and not accrue ANY new debt. I feel your situation hoverer as my wife doesn't work but.....she also doesn't really spend any money so thats one good part of it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wow, talk about the exact WRONG TIME in history to be overspending on your credit cards. a BIG RESET is happening right now. Reign that **** in, right away!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> I feel exactly like the "pay-for-it-beta-boy-pack-mule" that I am.


YOUR life. YOUR choice.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> She wouldn’t be the first woman to do that. Read his old threads. This is not a new problem.


You are, unfortunately culture encourages the abuse and disposal of men and it looks like TJW's wife bought into the culture.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TJW said:


> I got a new job nearly a year ago. DW has been on a spending spree ever since. Home improvements, cat homes, new car, etc. We increased our debt load by more than 10k to buy her a bigger car with more features. We traded in a perfectly-good 2019 model SUV with 30k miles for a bigger, more featured, 2019 model with 19k miles.
> 
> We have debts totaling my take-home year's salary. We have assets totaling about two year's take home salary. I am nearly 70 years old.
> 
> ...


Tell your wife that you may have to use the life insurance to pay down your debt. That should get her attention.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> You are, unfortunately culture encourages the abuse and disposal of men and it looks like TJW's wife bought into the culture.


I think all three of his wives have. This one probably seems good in comparison to the first two, from what I recall.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> Tell your wife that you may have to use the life insurance to pay down your debt. That should get her attention.


I like it


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't understand why men stay with women like this.

I don't. 

I'm almost wanting to stay away from this forum for awhile because I am tired of reading about it, one after the other. 

Men are with these ****ty women, not putting their collective feet down, and the ****ty women are living entitled, spoiled, pampered lives.

Why are men persisting giving these crappy women such great existences, can someone tell me?

Why weren't these men totally turned off when this kind of behavior started to the point they stopped meeting the needs of the ****ty women???


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why men stay with women like this.
> 
> I don't.
> 
> ...


Questions as old as time itself.

Pure speculation, but I'm pretty sure Adam asked God the same question, (post fall and garden, of course)


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why men stay with women like this.
> 
> I don't.
> 
> ...


It is probably like a frog in a pot of water being heated on the stove. The frog doesn't realize until too late that it is being cooked.

@TJW has had a bad run of luck for decades with women. I have lost track honestly but believe his former wife was a serial cheater. Am guessing this one is abusing him financially. In both cases, the mistake didn't become evident until years had been lost, kids born, houses purchased.

In the case of the wife spending money they don't have, what are @TJW options? My best friend in his 70s, retired, is married to a twin of this wife. She shops 24x7 online buying copies of junk she has. He said there is a delivery every single day. If he divorced her ( which he talks about constantly) she would still get all of the money and he wouldn't have a place to live. Once in awhile he still gets some sex, so there is that. He says it is the most expensive ***** he ever had. So what is the solution? Live with it, complain to your best friend and wait for the grim reaper to arrive.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> It is probably like a frog in a pot of water being heated on the stove. The frog doesn't realize until too late that it is being cooked.
> 
> @TJW has had a bad run of luck for decades with women. I have lost track honestly but believe his former wife was a serial cheater. Am guessing this one is abusing him financially. In both cases, the mistake didn't become evident until years had been lost, kids born, houses purchased.
> 
> In the case of the wife spending money they don't have, what are @TJW options? My best friend in his 70s, retired, is married to a twin of this wife. She shops 24x7 online buying copies of junk she has. He said there is a delivery every single day. If he divorced her ( which he talks about constantly) she would still get all of the money and he wouldn't have a place to live. Once in awhile he still gets some sex, so there is that. He says it is the most expensive *** he ever had. So what is the solution? Live with it, complain to your best friend and wait for the grim reaper to arrive.


Is he's in his 70s she wouldn't get ALL of the money, it's not like he'd be paying child support AND spousal support. They are older adults. They'd split things in half. Real estate could be sold and the profit split, then each go their own way.

In the case of OP, again, real estate can be sold in a divorce and proceeds split. Happens _all of the time_. Years gone by and real estate purchased is no real reason to stay in a marriage that horrible. It's just an excuse. He could have left a long time ago.

There are single people in the world, you know. Lots of them. People CAN and DO get out of absolutely **** marriages all of the time. 

The people who stay in them are choosing to stay. They could leave if they wanted to. They could make it work.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Is he's in his 70s she wouldn't get ALL of the money, it's not like he'd be paying child support AND spousal support. They are older adults. They'd split things in half. Real estate could be sold and the profit split, then each go their own way.
> 
> In the case of OP, again, real estate can be sold in a divorce and proceeds split. Happens _all of the time_. Years gone by and real estate purchased is no real reason to stay in a marriage that horrible. It's just an excuse. He could have left a long time ago.
> 
> ...


My friend went to an attorney. He was told 60% was the STARTING point of what he would lose, most likely would end up losing 75% of all assets, besides having to pay attorney fees for his AND her attorney. His wife has never worked since their marriage decades ago. His calculated life expectancy is another 8 years. So he decided to wait for the grave.

So yes, he could leave. But his calculation was that pain and misery is less by being miserable instead of cold and miserable and broke.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Damn. I’m not getting married again


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> My friend went to an attorney. He was told 60% was the STARTING point of what he would lose, most likely would end up losing 75% of all assets, besides having to pay attorney fees for his AND her attorney. His wife has never worked since their marriage decades ago. His calculated life expectancy is another 8 years. So he decided to wait for the grave.
> 
> So yes, he could leave. But his calculation was that pain and misery is less by being miserable instead of cold and miserable and broke.


Please explain. 

Why would there be such an uneven split of assets of 2 older adults?

There are no children to support. It's just the 2 of them. 

I'm trulybsorry to be rude, but I do disbelieve that a divorce between 2 older adults wouldn't be a 50 50 split. Any other percentage has no legal reason behind it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TJW said:


> I feel exactly like the "pay-for-it-beta-boy-pack-mule" that I am.



Yet the issue isn’t really your wife at all.

One thing for sure, you aren’t a victim when you continually volunteer.

As always if you want different outcomes, make different choices.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The dirty little secret in many marriages is that one (or both) hopes to outlive the other. Assets obviously don’t have to be divided if you’re the fortunate one that survives — and you’re healthy enough to enjoy those assets. Happens a lot, unfortunately. Whether OP’s wife is one of them is unknown but there’s that possibility. OP has written about his wife many times. He doesn’t believe in divorce (he outlived his first two wives) so he’s not going anywhere and neither is she.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

This seems to be a form of financial elder abuse.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Why are men persisting giving these crappy women such great existences, can someone tell me?


I figure it's because they get off on sympathy, while they pretend to be victims of what they actively choose.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Please explain.
> 
> Why would there be such an uneven split of assets of 2 older adults?
> 
> ...


All I know is my best friend saw two different attorneys. The first five years ago was my personal attorney (family law). The second he saw last year in the town they had moved to. Both of them told him the same thing.

I am happily married to same woman for nearing 6 decades. My wife is a blessing, so I really know nothing about divorce or divorce law or any of that stuff.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> This seems to be a form of financial elder abuse.


Since @TJW actively chooses this instead of ending this nonsense, it hardly rises to the occasion.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why men stay with women like this.
> 
> I don't.
> 
> ...


They've been encultured to be heroes and sacrifice themselves for their families.
This is changing as the penalties for marriage for men have caused them to not be willing to commit.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Personal said:


> Since @TJW actively chooses this instead of ending this nonsense, it hardly rises to the occasion.


When you're 70, it's hard to pivot because losing upwards of 75% of your assets means dining from cans of cat food.
I do think that men must be quicker at ending marriages when the wife starts acting badly towards them.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> When you're 70, it's hard to pivot because losing upwards of 75% of your assets means dining from cans of cat food.


Oh pleaseeee , he can't have it both ways. I mean he keeps whingeing about staying with her leading to that, yet he won't do anything about it.

Oh and on the hero nonsense, heroes don't whinge about things to no end. So he isn't being a hero either.

At the end of the day since @TJW chooses this, he would do well to own his choices instead of blaming his wife for the choices he makes.

When you volunteer for something repeatedly, while knowing what's coming, you are most certainly not a victim.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Personal said:


> Oh pleaseeee , he can't have it both ways. I mean he keeps whingeing about staying with her leading to that, yet he won't do anything about it.
> 
> Oh and on the hero nonsense, heroes don't whinge about things to no end. So he isn't being a hero either.
> 
> ...


I agree the hero mentality is now nonsense, because it's rewarded with disrespect towards men.
That mentality is dead with me and, I think, most of the younger men.
Feminism has also freed men from any obligation to the women and they'd be wise to capitalize on that by walking away.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Why are you allowing this behavior? It sounds like you have no backbone. Do you ever tell her no?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't blame you at all for being really mad and worried about that. Honestly, her taking care of everyone's concerns but your own would make me mad, too. How can you limit your spending? Can you take her off your accounts? Can you make it a two-signature thing for purchases over $200 for example? That truck thing was really foolhardy. No need for that at all.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> When you're 70, it's hard to pivot because losing upwards of 75% of your assets means dining from cans of cat food.
> I do think that men must be quicker at ending marriages when the wife starts acting badly towards them.


I'm willing to bet in many jurisdictions the split is more even in older divorces.

There's absolutely no legal reason nor theory to not divide assets and income in an even way when both parties are past retirement age and there are no children to support.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I'm willing to bet in many jurisdictions the split is more even in older divorces.
> 
> There's absolutely no legal reason nor theory to not divide assets and income in an even way when both parties are past retirement age and there are no children to support.


@TJW, You can cut your losses now or just learn to live a private life within the marriage.
But I would be done supporting her as much as you can. Food and water for her.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why men stay with women like this.
> 
> I don't.
> 
> ...


Because It's attractive when a woman is traditionally feminine and wants things. That whole modern woman thing, the independent go getter who takes care of herself, sticks her nose up at women who stay at home, not that hot.

However, along with pumping gas and fixing the car it's also up to the man to tell the wife NO if it's not financially feasible. This guy wants the attractive wife who wants things but doesn't want to man up and say no sometimes. Can't have it both ways.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

gaius said:


> Because It's attractive when a woman is traditionally feminine and wants things. That whole modern woman thing, the independent go getter who takes care of herself, sticks her nose up at women who stay at home, not that hot.
> 
> However, along with pumping gas and fixing the car it's also up to the man to tell the wife NO if it's not financially feasible. This guy wants the attractive wife who wants things but doesn't want to man up and say no sometimes. Can't have it both ways.


It is one of those cautionary tales of be careful what you want.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> YOUR life. YOUR choice.


Yep, you have a choice. You are your biggest problem.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I'm willing to bet in many jurisdictions the split is more even in older divorces.
> 
> There's absolutely no legal reason nor theory to not divide assets and income in an even way when both parties are past retirement age and there are no children to support.



I get what you are saying, but I don't know many people that would want to divorce after 70....At that point, "it almost is what it is" Divorce at any age is a huge pain in the ass...I don't know that I would bother with it at that point...

That being said, you can be absolutely sure that I would veto any expense that would mean I would have do more, work more, sacrifice more, etc....By that time, those frigging days would be long gone...I want no expenses outside of my property taxes, food, and utilities....Period...New cars? No effing way...or unless maybe I wanted to buy it cash and no note...


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> I get what you are saying, but I don't know many people that would want to divorce after 70....At that point, "it almost is what it is" Divorce at any age is a huge pain in the ass...I don't know that I would bother with it at that point...
> 
> That being said, you can be absolutely sure that I would veto any expense that would mean I would have do more, work more, sacrifice more, etc....By that time, those frigging days would be long gone...I want no expenses outside of my property taxes, food, and utilities....Period...New cars? No effing way...or unless maybe I wanted to buy it cash and no note...


Agreed. The goal should be to be debt free and keep it that way!!! I am done with loans. If I can't pay cash, I don't need it!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It is one of those cautionary tales of be careful what you want.


Yeah, you can’t really ask for a wife who will be a perpetual child who only marries for money and then be mad when she’s a childish spendthrift… 😂


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Damn. I’m not getting married again


Or you could marry a grown up with a job… 😉


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Your post doesn't sound anything like a 70 year old guy.... If it's true, then leave her, move to a judgement proof state, ignore the debt and retire before you just drop from the massive amount of stress for your age.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well did you tell her any of this?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> My friend went to an attorney. He was told 60% was the STARTING point of what he would lose, most likely would end up losing 75% of all assets, besides having to pay attorney fees for his AND her attorney. His wife has never worked since their marriage decades ago. His calculated life expectancy is another 8 years. So he decided to wait for the grave.
> 
> So yes, he could leave. But his calculation was that pain and misery is less by being miserable instead of cold and miserable and broke.


If he is that miserable, why can he move into his kids room and go out at night, or make the basement his media room or something. Show up for the kids and holidays and pretty much live his own life?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Agreed. The goal should be to be debt free and keep it that way!!! I am done with loans. If I can't pay cash, I don't need it!


Same here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Or you could marry a grown up with a job… 😉


You know darn well that those are in short supply. That’s a sure nuff unicorn you speak of.😋


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why men stay with women like this.


My take? Mainly financial reasons. The OP is already under a lot of strain. Personally, although I'm not together with my wife anymore, if we divorced we would have to sell the properties and because of the several times we remortgaged to keep the family afloat, I would get very little money and I would go from a 8 bedroom house to a one bedroom flat in a ****ty part of the city. It just doesn't make sense financially sometimes.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You know darn well that those are in short supply. That’s a sure nuff unicorn you speak of.😋


Really? I’m one. Does this mean I’m a unicorn? Becuase im honestly ok with that. I LOVR glitter!!! 😂😂😂


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Agreed. The goal should be to be debt free and keep it that way!!! I am done with loans. If I can't pay cash, I don't need it!


We made that decision years before we retired. Have had no debt for decades.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Live with it, complain to your best friend and wait for the grim reaper to arrive.


Exactly right. The alternative is to lose all the comfortable life you built for the 3 years you're going to be sick and then die.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why men stay with women like this.
> 
> I don't.
> 
> ...


YES!!! Love x 1000!!!!!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sokillme said:


> If he is that miserable, why can he move into his kids room and go out at night, or make the basement his media room or something. Show up for the kids and holidays and pretty much live his own life?


They have no kids.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jonty30 said:


> They've been encultured to be heroes and sacrifice themselves for their families.
> This is changing as the penalties for marriage for men have caused them to not be willing to commit.


NOPE - They must only be attracted to the women who want to use them, because there are TONS of women who don't want men who are doormats and ATMs. So you live with the consequences of your choices, that's all...just like the rest of us.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> NOPE - They must only be attracted to the women who want to use them, because there are TONS of women who don't want men who are doormats and ATMs. So you live with the consequences of your choices, that's all...just like the rest of us.


Agree.

There are many men in the world who won't remain in toxic, joyless relationships with entitled, selfish, toxic women.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Or you could marry a grown up with a job… 😉


And/or a grown up with a nice derriere.😉 
Putting up with me actually is a job.😁


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> Exactly right. The alternative is to lose all the comfortable life you built for the 3 years you're going to be sick and then die.


Put a leash on her spending and take control while working less and doing more of what you enjoy.

If you're going to be fatalistic, why not enjoy the ride?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why men stay with women like this.
> 
> I don't.
> 
> ...


Simply not knowing any better.

you may not know just how big of a shock it is to come here to TAM. It certainly was for me. I had no clue. It seems like there is another complete world out there that I had no idea even existed.

I keep this in perspective when new people come in and others jump down their throat for not realizing x,y,z. A lot of people just don’t know. I had no clue there were women out there that were vastly different from my wife. I’ve noticed the same when some women come here having no idea there are men vastly different from their husband. 

the best you can do is educate people and let them know they don’t have to put up with the crap they are dealt.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> And/or a grown up with a nice derriere.😉
> Putting up with me actually is a job.😁


Oh, I have no doubt about that!!! Lol!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Oh, I have no doubt about that!!! Lol!


Hey!!!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You have been at TAM a long time complaining about your wife and how you are a beta slave. Everyone told you a long time ago to dump her and you said it would cost too much money. You are where you want to be.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why men stay with women like this.
> 
> I don't.
> 
> ...


Because these men are broken. I've heard the most god-awful stories from men about their terrible childhoods. Toxic moms, absent dads, sexual abuse... Terrible stuff. This usually coincides with an extremely intense need for female companionship, but the whole relationship thing eludes them. That is until SHE comes around. She makes him feel completely normal for the first time. Of course, she also brings a truckload of awful baggage with her and is beyond toxic just like dear old mom, but he can't see it. She likes him. That's enough. To let that go so "easily" is not even an option for him. It usually takes multiple affairs and the wife filing to finally pry the man away from her. Then he quickly jumps into another relationship and does it all over again.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> When you're 70, it's hard to pivot because losing upwards of 75% of your assets means dining from cans of cat food.


That's absolute bullpucky. This man is still working and, presumably, will be working until he dies due to his wife's spending and debt habits. He's is a position where leaving won't leave him eating cat food. He has income. He has assets. He could sell the assets, pay off the marital debt, split the remainder, pay support, and have better quality of life without his wife's ongoing spending. He, depending on alimony, might actually be better off financially after a split. At least after the divorce she can only waste X of his dollars.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP isn't going anywhere because of his health problems. He needs his wife to stick around and take care of him and I suspect that is why he won't put his foot down. Besides, she is wife #3 so he is pretty much used to crap treatment by the women he chooses to marry.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> He needs his wife to stick around and take care of him and I suspect that is why he won't put his foot down.


This is a topic that's rarely discussed, and, in my opinion, it's exactly why my dad and former father-in-law got married again.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Simply not knowing any better.
> 
> you may not know just how big of a shock it is to come here to TAM. It certainly was for me. I had no clue. It seems like there is another complete world out there that I had no idea even existed.
> 
> ...


I would also say some of it is hindsight and the good ole' "Monday Morning Quarterbacking". Its easy for folks who are not in a specific situation to make things appear easier but if you don't know the situation, a lot of it is just speculation.

I have proudly said before I am debt free and will never have debt again. BUT I can't rightfully bash anyone who has debt and call them weak or spineless just because they owe someone money just because I do not owe anyone anything. I don't know others situation so who am I to judge?

I think you are right with the idea of learning and perspective and then being able to make the right decision.

I think all of us in some area or another "Just don't know what we don't know"


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

dadstartingover said:


> Because these men are broken. I've heard the most god-awful stories from men about their terrible childhoods. Toxic moms, absent dads, sexual abuse... Terrible stuff. This usually coincides with an extremely intense need for female companionship, but the whole relationship thing eludes them. That is until SHE comes around. She makes him feel completely normal for the first time. Of course, she also brings a truckload of awful baggage with her and is beyond toxic just like dear old mom, but he can't see it. She likes him. That's enough. To let that go so "easily" is not even an option for him. It usually takes multiple affairs and the wife filing to finally pry the man away from her. Then he quickly jumps into another relationship and does it all over again.


I don’t totally buy that. I agree that some people both men and women can have background damage but an adult with at least some level of fortitude and maturity will pick their a$$ up off the ground and carry forward even if they have to lick a couple wounds along the way. I believe more often than not “the past” can be an easy excuse for current bad behavior. More lazy than broken sounds about right to me.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

TJW said:


> I got a new job nearly a year ago. DW has been on a spending spree ever since. Home improvements, cat homes, new car, etc. We increased our debt load by more than 10k to buy her a bigger car with more features. We traded in a perfectly-good 2019 model SUV with 30k miles for a bigger, more featured, 2019 model with 19k miles.
> 
> We have debts totaling my take-home year's salary. We have assets totaling about two year's take home salary. I am nearly 70 years old.
> 
> ...


@TJW, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this, and at nearly 70 too. That's not right at all. Your new job: did you also get a substantial pay increase to go along with it? Does your wife have anything to do with the family finances, and does she know where the money goes? Has she any idea of what things are worth, especially in this day and age? It sounds like you need to have a sit down with her and tell her exactly how things are going with finance and your stress levels. If she wants to continue spending as she has been, she can get a job, and spend that money. If she doesn't want to work, then I would be putting a cap to what she could spend, and learning to bluntly tell her "no" when she asks for things, especially large purchase items.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

minimalME said:


> This is a topic that's rarely discussed, and, in my opinion, it's exactly why my dad and former father-in-law got married again.


Definitely true in my experience. My dad did the same (and started looking immediately after my mom died) and my exH started looking as soon as he realized I was serious about divorcing him. All of it had to do with finding someone to take care of them — especially at their age. OP could be similar in that thinking although it sounds like his wife might be too busy with her other interests to pay much attention to him (except when he doesn’t do as she wishes). I doubt anything will change for him, unfortunately.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

gaius said:


> Because It's attractive when a woman is traditionally feminine and wants things. That whole modern woman thing, the independent go getter who takes care of herself, sticks her nose up at women who stay at home, not that hot.
> 
> However, along with pumping gas and fixing the car it's also up to the man to tell the wife NO if it's not financially feasible. This guy wants the attractive wife who wants things but doesn't want to man up and say no sometimes. Can't have it both ways.


Really? It's attractive to shop and spend and to not be able to bring home any bacon? I don't think that's 100% accurate all the time. My BF of nearly 3 years has an XW who was like that: couldn't hold down a job, couldn't contribute to household stuff, as an extra, she also drank a lot and smoked a lot of pot. He left her because of that, and her treatment towards him after he had a heart attack due to stress. He tells me all the time how much he appreciates that I contribute to our relationship. I have a mortgage, support my own household and take care of 2 elderly little dogs, 1 of who has some major health issues. He thinks the fact that I'm independent is attractive. I know other men are different, and so maybe there ARE a lot of men out there who desire helplessness and spending. I'm happy with what I've got!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If she isn’t working and has no money of her own, at this stage when there are no children to raise and only two people in the house to clean up after, she is in the position of a child or an employee in this relationship. Give her an allowance like you would a child or a salary like an employee. I agree with everyone else: this is on you, OP. It’s your money and you’re letting her do this.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ursula said:


> Really? It's attractive to shop and spend and to not be able to bring home any bacon? I don't think that's 100% accurate all the time. My BF of nearly 3 years has an XW who was like that: couldn't hold down a job, couldn't contribute to household stuff, as an extra, she also drank a lot and smoked a lot of pot. He left her because of that, and her treatment towards him after he had a heart attack due to stress. He tells me all the time how much he appreciates that I contribute to our relationship. I have a mortgage, support my own household and take care of 2 elderly little dogs, 1 of who has some major health issues. He thinks the fact that I'm independent is attractive. I know other men are different, and so maybe there ARE a lot of men out there who desire helplessness and spending. I'm happy with what I've got!


Alpha males prefer smart, capable women. 😉


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If she isn’t working and has no money of her own, at this stage when there are no children to raise and only two people in the house to clean up after, she is in the position of a child or an employee in this relationship. Give her an allowance like you would a child or a salary like an employee. I agree with everyone else: this is on you, OP. It’s your money and you’re letting her do this.


I agree. 

OP has probably lost control of the situation and she probably has credit cards in her own name and he can't control her use of them or close them. 

I do wonder why he thinks she's actually going to take care of him if his health fails.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s no big deal to her because she isn’t the one earning the money.

She doesn’t respect the money you work hard for.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Ursula said:


> Really? It's attractive to shop and spend and to not be able to bring home any bacon? I don't think that's 100% accurate all the time. My BF of nearly 3 years has an XW who was like that: couldn't hold down a job, couldn't contribute to household stuff, as an extra, she also drank a lot and smoked a lot of pot. He left her because of that, and her treatment towards him after he had a heart attack due to stress. He tells me all the time how much he appreciates that I contribute to our relationship. I have a mortgage, support my own household and take care of 2 elderly little dogs, 1 of who has some major health issues. He thinks the fact that I'm independent is attractive. I know other men are different, and so maybe there ARE a lot of men out there who desire helplessness and spending. I'm happy with what I've got!


Well I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't want another heart attack. There's a certain something when you end up being the masculine provider that feels really good, unlike anything else, but it can be very stressful. It's not for everyone. In the same way a lot of women end up dropping aholish, alpha males and marrying a more beta type. Less attractive but less stressful.

There was a actually a time I was under so much pressure, the stakes were so high that I started to get vertigo and almost pass out occasionally (In private, never in public). But I'd shake it off, got through it and now things are fine. Although my wife is responsible with money and nowhere near most of these women when it comes to wanting stuff. But I can't say for certain how much of that is due to her knowing I'm not a beta **** who would just say yes to everything.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

gaius said:


> Well I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't want another heart attack. There's a certain something when you end up being the masculine provider that feels really good, unlike anything else, but it can be very stressful. It's not for everyone. In the same way a lot of women end up dropping aholish, alpha males and marrying a more beta type. Less attractive but less stressful.
> 
> There was a actually a time I was under so much pressure, the stakes were so high that I started to get vertigo and almost pass out occasionally (In private, never in public). But I'd shake it off, got through it and now things are fine. Although my wife is responsible with money and nowhere near most of these women when it comes to wanting stuff. But I can't say for certain how much of that is due to her knowing I'm not a beta **** who would just say yes to everything.


No, he really doesn't want another heart attack!

There's a big difference between being a masculine provider, and living with someone who takes advantage of that. I totally get it, and women would be foolish to not allow her man room to be a man. But, it's one thing to work as a team with the male still being the top breadwinner and there's bringing home the bacon to someone who spends foolishly.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Put a leash on her spending and take control while working less and doing more of what you enjoy.
> 
> If you're going to be fatalistic, why not enjoy the ride?


Yeah, it time to start living by the real Golden Rule - he who has the gold, makes the rules.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah, it time to start living by the real Golden Rule - he who has the gold, makes the rules.


Which is why I will NEVER not have a job. If a woman only marries for money, no one should be surprised when she turns out to be only interested in money.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I'm actually not offended by transactional marriages as long as everyone is honest who is involved.
> 
> I was watching a video the other day and a wealthy man was interviewing a woman who was interested in dating him.
> 
> ...


If she has the mental strength to arrive between the bedsheets with that then more power to her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> If she has the mental strength to arrive between the bedsheets with that then more power to her.


I just don't get how he was offended or the guy posting the video was either.

When young, hot women are dating older, unattractive men, everyone has always known the reasons (at least one of them) and now we have men acting offended by it?😵‍💫


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I'm actually not offended by transactional marriages as long as everyone is honest who is involved.


That's the key, though, right? These situations where the man is clearly only interested in the woman for her youth and her looks. He wants a woman who won't work or have any interests but him. He wants someone totally dependent on him so he has complete and total control of her life. But then he discovers she doesn't love him and is SHOCKED, SHOCKED I say, because a woman he basically hired as a contract hooker saw him as a job. It makes zero sense.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I just don't get how he was offended or the guy posting the video was either.
> 
> When young, hot women are dating older, unattractive men, everyone has always known the reasons (at least one of them) and now we have men acting offended by it?😵‍💫


Yeah it’s crazy. At least they get to add “butt hurt” to the lengthy list of unattractive qualities 😜

Those chicks are tough …. Mentally Tough!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That's the key, though, right? These situations where is clearly only interested in the woman for her youth and her looks. He wants a woman who won't work or have any interests but him. He wants someone totally dependent on him so he has complete and total control of her life. But then he discovers she doesn't love him and is SHOCKED, SHOCKED I say, because a woman he basically hired as a contract hooker saw him as a job. It makes zero sense.


And in 15 years if they get divorced, he's gonna piss and moan about splitting assets 🤣


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Livvie said:


> And in 15 years if they get divorced, he's gonna piss and moan about splitting assets 🤣


Damn girl you gave it a full on honest effort to give it 15. I’d be shooting for one day outside of annulment territory!!!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@TJW, Did you sign the loan documents for the new vehicle?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> When young, hot women are dating older, unattractive men, everyone has always known the reasons


Absolutely! The old rich retired dudes with speedboats in Florida knowingly troll for bikini clad young girls with dollars.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Absolutely! The old rich retired dudes with speedboats in Florida knowingly troll for bikini clad young girls with dollars.


Awesome visual. I picture bikini clad strippers leaping out of the water like dolphin after a speedboat...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Awesome visual. I picture bikini clad strippers leaping out of the water like dolphin after a speedboat...


Well actually they get on the boat at the dock. But your visual is more impressive. The women actively seek out the old rich dudes at tge marina


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Awesome visual. I picture bikini clad strippers leaping out of the water like dolphin after a speedboat...


I literally burst out laughing 😂


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Folks, these older guys with money are fully aware that the 25 year old with oversized milk cannons on his sofa has no interest in anything but his money.










Just look at how happy he is 🤣. He is thinking I can't wait for the viagra to kick in and she is hoping the viagra will do him in 😆


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Well actually they get on the boat at the dock. But your visual is more impressive. The women actively seek out the old rich dudes at tge marina


I used to fish the big blue water offshore tournaments on the gulf coast in my younger days. The chicks were …..uuummmm….aggressive.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I literally burst out laughing 😂


My work here is done.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My work here is done.


I was already constructing how to do that scene.

It's too good to waste!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Folks, these older guys with money are fully aware that the 25 year old with oversized milk jugs
> 
> Just look at how happy he is 🤣. He is thinking I can't wait for the viagra to kick in and she is hoping the viagra will do him in 😆


Anna Nichole. A legend. When the old oil guy kicked the bucket his family had a heck of time disconnecting her from his money. Rumor was she had double implants. End of her life was rather sad story. 

Sorry T/J


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I used to fish the big blue water offshore tournaments on the gulf coast in my younger days. The chicks were …..uuummmm….aggressive.


Maybe they liked fishing a lot.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> I used to fish the big blue water offshore tournaments on the gulf coast in my younger days. The chicks were …..uuummmm….aggressive.


How about the fish?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It is one of those cautionary tales of be careful what you want.


It’s also a tale of, learn how to say no and stop appeasing everyone and have the difficult conversation.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

That’s the problem with the American lifestyle, bigger is not better. Peace is better. 

I would have so much stress and anxiety If I had that amount of debt. That sounds exhausting.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> How about the fish?


They didn’t bite as hard.


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