# Help-consumed with wanting details



## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

I am new here. Two days ago I found out my husband of 15 years was having an EA with someone he supposedly met on Craigslist. They have been texting and talking on the phone for three months. He and I were having problems, it wasn't a good time for us. He wanted so badly to stay in the marriage and make things work - or so he said. I was the one having issues with him and I was the one not happy. Regardless of the state of our marriage he decided to go outside the marriage for something...comfort...love...who knows. He had also had private talks with ex girlfriends. So here I am, I confronted him after looking at the phone bill and calling the number. He admitted it to a point. "she's just a friend" he said. I don't think you can find just a friend on craigslist! Now three days later I find myself obsessing over the details.I want to know who she is, what she looks like, what the did, what they talked about. Everything. He won't say a thing. I feel like I'm falling apart over this. Why do I want to know so badly? It would just hurt more. I don't understand this crazy need to know though, any help?


----------



## meplus3bg (Jul 13, 2011)

I understand completely, my bf of 15 years had a one night stand while I was pregnant with our son, and he doesnt even know the girls name....who does that! Anyway I wanted to know the details what she looked like what they said what was it about her that made him forget me so quickly...but I think thats natural reaction, he never told me and I decided not to push the issue for my own sake. A month later I still wonder the same things but I ask myself does it really matter he did what he did, she didnt even know about me so why dwell on her (would that had made a difference, these days prob. not)


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You are not crazy. Most people want all of the details. You are very normal. After all......how do you expect to make a fair choice for yourself without knowing all of the details.

If your H is not willing to give you the details than he is not on your side. He won't understand this at first, but hopefully he will get it at some point.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You have a right to those details if he truly wants to R. You can't heal without them. Bottom line is that he needs to allow you access to everything including his passwords and emails, etc. He needs to answer any question you have and expect that you may ask them repeatedly. He also needs to agree to a no contact with the women he has been chatting with.
The fact that he hasn't done this may indicate he is still having inappropriate relations of some sort currently.


----------



## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

He told me he is not in contact with her anymore. He shut down facebook (although he claimed to do that before). He won't answer any question about the girl he had the EA with though. I told him he needs to leave and I am filing for divorce. The trust is broken completely. I feel physically sick when I look at him. We have three children. He is refusing to leave the house. Refusing to sit and talk with the kids about what is going on. I just don't know what to do. Thank you for your insight!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's wrong he won't answer your questions. Tell him that. Tell him he destroyed your trust in him and he needs to be man enough to answer any/all questions you have. 

It's not right for him to stonewall you on something so massively seriously.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It's wrong he won't answer your questions. Tell him that. Tell him he destroyed your trust in him and he needs to be man enough to answer any/all questions you have.
> 
> It's not right for him to stonewall you on something so massively seriously.


 The more he stone walls the more damage he will do to the relationship. My H has learned that to his sorrow. If he really does want the M, he has to demonstrate that with complete transparency. We are way down the road from d-day and I'm still having problems with his inability to tell me the truth when I asked for it. He says that he wants the M and that he loves me constantly, but it still rings hollow to me because he lied to me for so long, by sitting on the truth.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

dg3: I can relate. I am so sorry for your pain. My stbxh had an EA, lied about it when confronted, told me he was having affair, then next day told me he lied and said he was because that is what I wanted to hear. Then said it wasn't never an affair they were good friends. In 10 yrs of being together and married, never heard the person's name before.

Sure, sure I wanted to hear that you have betrayed me. No what I wanted to hear was the truth.

I am divorcing in 5 days. I can never trust him again. And dang it, he better not have made me distrust others in the future.

Hug to you. It is very hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to do.


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

As usual, I am the exception to the rule, especially in this case. The fewer details (ie: name, looks, and the like) I know in reference to the OW, the better. Do not want to humanize her to any degree. Just the fact that she has chosen to continue the relationship with H after meeting my kids and in laws (her accompanying H was unannounced beforehand) makes her even less of a decent human being in my book. Speaks volumes to me that she possesses no ethics, morals or conscience. In the words of Forrest Gump... "and that's all I have to say about that."


----------



## meplus3bg (Jul 13, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> As usual, I am the exception to the rule, especially in this case. The fewer details (ie: name, looks, and the like) I know in reference to the OW, the better. Do not want to humanize her to any degree. Just the fact that she has chosen to continue the relationship with H after meeting my kids and in laws (her accompanying H was unannounced beforehand) makes her even less of a decent human being in my book. Speaks volumes to me that she possesses no ethics, morals or conscience. In the words of Forrest Gump... "and that's all I have to say about that."


:iagree:


----------



## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Wish I could offer advice. I have spent hours and hours analysing what phone and text records I have. 
Main reason I feel I'm doing it is WW says the A didn't mean anything. Says he(OM) is not important to her but I am.
How can that be when she was calling or texting or sexting constantly? She said (of the A)"Felt Wanted! Worth something! He said the things I wanted and needed to hear...


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I'm not going to lie, I still want to know what was said and/or done, I wish I could read all the texts right now and hear all of the phone conversations that went on behind my back and its been 9 months since D-day. 

The truth of it all is that no matter what your S says to you, even if it is the truth, your still not going to be satisfied because you won't believe them and you have no reason to believe them. You will never fully know the whole truth because your mind won't let you because you want more, you will think there is more and there probably is.

Sorry your in this position. It really sucks, but you've gotta know that you will never know what really happened, at least not everything anyways.


----------



## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

Update - I got details. He finally spilled his guts. I was almost physically ill. They had exchanged pictures of them naked, numerous times. Sex talk via phone and text. I am feeling shaken. I went to a therapist today for the first time and she said he needs to tell the whole gory detail of the affair or his lie is just continuing. I'm glad he told me, although it doesn't change the fact that he and I are through. Sickening stuff people do online. I want no part of that world.


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

DG3,
I was like you I wanted the details too. I wanted them so I could put my life with her in some sort of context. I think she gave me about 75% of the truth. By connecting her details to my photos of us, emails, vacations, texts, voice mails, gifts and etc. I was able to realize/learn that all the special things I was doing for our relationship had absolutely no affect on her behavior or feelings towards me. They were a 100% waste of time and money. Very humbling but at least I know the truth so there will be no romanticizing about the "good times" of our past.


----------



## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

cj9947 said:


> DG3,
> I was like you I wanted the details too. I wanted them so I could put my life with her in some sort of context. I think she gave me about 75% of the truth. By connecting her details to my photos of us, emails, vacations, texts, voice mails, gifts and etc. I was able to realize/learn that all the special things I was doing for our relationship had absolutely no affect on her behavior or feelings towards me. They were a 100% waste of time and money. Very humbling but at least I know the truth so there will be no romanticizing about the "good times" of our past.


Yes putting the details together has made me see that he would be sexting her while he was with us. Even while chaperoning an overnight fieldtrip for one of our kids! I just cannot imagine doing that! No thought of his family just his own twisted needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

DG3 said:


> Yes putting the details together has made me see that he would be sexting her while he was with us. Even while chaperoning an overnight fieldtrip for one of our kids! I just cannot imagine doing that! No thought of his family just his own twisted needs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So lame...it truly is amazing how they can block out how ridiculous their behavior is...so selfish....


----------



## meplus3bg (Jul 13, 2011)

DG3 said:


> I am new here. Two days ago I found out my husband of 15 years was having an EA with someone he supposedly met on Craigslist. They have been texting and talking on the phone for three months. He and I were having problems, it wasn't a good time for us. He wanted so badly to stay in the marriage and make things work - or so he said. I was the one having issues with him and I was the one not happy. Regardless of the state of our marriage he decided to go outside the marriage for something...comfort...love...who knows. He had also had private talks with ex girlfriends. So here I am, I confronted him after looking at the phone bill and calling the number. He admitted it to a point. "she's just a friend" he said. I don't think you can find just a friend on craigslist! Now three days later I find myself obsessing over the details.I want to know who she is, what she looks like, what the did, what they talked about. Everything. He won't say a thing. I feel like I'm falling apart over this. Why do I want to know so badly? It would just hurt more. I don't understand this crazy need to know though, any help?


I would like to retract what I said earlier in this thread, when I first read your post I thought oh no I def. don't want to know. The rest of the day I kept asking myself "do you really not want to know the whole story" then I realized why I have been so angry not only was it the fact of what my bf did but it was also the fact that because I was in shock when he first confessed I didn't ask many questions and now my head was filled with them. I kept trying to say I didn't want to know because it happened regardless but truth was I did want to know, I needed to know. My bf and I recently had a discussion and I told him I wanted to ask him a couple questions after he answered them all I would never ask him another question about it again, but that I needed to know so that i could move on. We had a big discussion, hashed it all out and he answered every single question I asked him, and I feel so much better, so yes, I do think you need to know, you need the whole story so that you can process the entire situation to truly heal yourself and move on. I hope everything works out for you. God bless.


----------

