# Wife left my girls and me for a coworker



## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So its been over 3 months that my wife left me and my girls to be with a co worker, supposedly she said he didn't work there anymore and got a better job but yesterday I found out through my oldest daughter that he still works there and makes minimum wage like her, it seem like she's lied about who he really is . she put me down in every way possible, if you can think it she probably told me that. You didn't show me much attention...even though I did everything for her and supported almost all her ideas. Told me I never loved you and we have nothing in common, didn't find me attractive and never did. Even went as far as to insult my man hood...could you believe that? Told me I was a great father but a bad husband because I payed to much attention to our girls and not her. She's been gone for more than three months and shows no remorse whatsoever, she comes to see the girls once a week and never buys them anything. She spends maybe 2/3 hrs with them the day she comes to visit. Tuesday was the first day she took them out and was forcing my daughter to meet her AP and i don't think that's right. Well turns out that she told my daughter she never has money and doesn't visit them because she spends her check on other things. My daughter then asks her why don't you ask your dumb boyfriend for some , she tells her oh because he spend he's money like me and is always broke. Really!! She left me and my girls for this looser and is willing to put them through this crap and think everything is OK and that there doing great! I gave this woman everything and in the end I still got screwed I forgave her years ago for cheating and it just seems I couldn't do anything right in our relationship. The last excuse she gave me before she walked out was this guy is everything your not he's going to give me a better future , he makes me laugh all the time, he makes me feel like I never felt before, he supports me in everything and motivates me at work. Our sex life is great. Really! Why do you think...maybe because you don't have any responsibility you can go out and party and sleep with him without the kids to worry about. I feel so worthless and used and while I try to lie to myself that I don't love her I can't I'll be OK for a day or two and then it hits me again.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Ok, I get the picture. What are you going to do about it? 

Do you want help on how to detach, focus on your family, and divorce?


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

She is still controlling you, Tomas, whether you want to believe it or not. Your focus needs to be on yourself, and your kids. You can't take anything this ex has to say to heart because she is venom, and she says what she says because she knows she is the bad person. She is blame-shifting, a classic cheater's MO. It's hard for the BS to forget anything that was good in that relationship, but your real focus needs to be on all the bad stuff. It was HER fault, not yours. As with anything worthwhile, it will take time, and will get easier. Know that you are better than her, and that anything she says is because she knows she was in the wrong, even though remorse is not something she is capable of.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Luvher4life said:


> She is still controlling you, Tomas, whether you want to believe it or not. Your focus needs to be on yourself, and your kids. You can't take anything this ex has to say to heart because she is venom, and she says what she says because she knows she is the bad person. She is blame-shifting, a classic cheater's MO. It's hard for the BS to forget anything that was good in that relationship, but your real focus needs to be on all the bad stuff. It was HER fault, not yours. As with anything worthwhile, it will take time, and will get easier. Know that you are better than her, and that anything she says is because she knows she was in the wrong, even though remorse is not something she is capable of.


I know its just so hard to let go I see all the bad things she's doing and what she's putting my girls through. Yet its also so hard to believe the way she is acting ,she's a totally different person and its hard to believe she considers this other man her soul mate, she makes it seem likes she's really happy, I haven't had contact with her in over a month . no calls or text, its just hard to believe she doesn't care. To be honest this new guy doesn't even seem like he shares a lot of things in common besides the fact of making her laugh and loved as she says


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Again, so what. Stop dwelling. What are you gong to do?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude,
They all (cheaters) do this shlt. Say the same things, do the same things, seem like different people.

The good news is that you are free of this cheating **** that drains your happiness. Get full custody, divorce, and gleefully watch the downward spiral of her life while you improve yours and show your kids what a happy marriage to a good person looks like.

Please tell me you have filed for divorce and have retained a. Attorney. If not, you should be ashamed. Fix it. File now. Not tomorrow, today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Three months.

So what actions are you taking to take back control of your life and the lives of your kids?
Attorney
Counseling
MD
exercise

Plan your summer with the kids. Take a walk, go for a swim. And keep posting.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Three months.
> 
> So what actions are you taking to take back control of your life and the lives of your kids?
> Attorney
> ...


File?

Sheesh. 

Get it done.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Three months is not very long and it will take a while until you get to the place where she has no more meaning in your life and her actions are inconsequential. But, most people get there eventually. Like the others have said, make sure you are getting your divorce done ASAP. There is a golden window where a cheater is so focused on their AP that you can divorce and get a very favorable settlement because they just don't care about the money. Use it to your advantage NOW. Once the window is gone it won't come back and she'll likely try to clean you out. 

In the meantime focus on being the stability that your girls need. Be a great dad and a role model on how to live your life. Do activities you like, get into shape, and try to not worry about what your ex is doing.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Pluto2 said:


> Three months.
> 
> So what actions are you taking to take back control of your life and the lives of your kids?
> Attorney
> ...


I've started to work out, I've been concentrating on my girls been taking them places, movies, parks, hiking, been trying to get them out of the house as much as possible. As for divorce I'm trying to borrow money from family members as I can't afford money for an attorney at the moment, I work in the construction field so work hasn't been that good for me these past couple months and on top of that I have been paying some other debts we had . she walked out during the hardest time. With what I'm making at the moment I'm making enough to keep up with the rent,bills, food and just like leaves me enough for taking the girls out on the weekends.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Tomas said:


> I know its just so hard to let go I see all the bad things she's doing and what she's putting my girls through. Yet its also so hard to believe the way she is acting ,she's a totally different person and its hard to believe she considers this other man her soul mate, she makes it seem likes she's really happy, I haven't had contact with her in over a month . no calls or text, its just hard to believe she doesn't care. To be honest this new guy doesn't even seem like he shares a lot of things in common besides the fact of making her laugh and loved as she says


So what! I can guarantee you it "looks" a lot better for her than it actually is. Take comfort in the fact that you no longer have to worry about whether she will be trustworthy or not. She is no longer on your gravy train, and that is a GOOD THING. Don't worry about her feelings anymore, or what she says. Who's to say she is being truthful anyway? She's NOT! Even your girls know that, and that is what you need to focus on.

I know it doesn't look like it now, but you are MUCH, MUCH better without her. It may be hard to believe right now, but the day WILL come when you don't care about her personal life anymore. The more you focus on other things the less time it will take to heal.

Get that divorce! Keep custody, and don't concede anything of value without a fight. You didn't deserve this. It was HER FAULT!

It may take a while, but one day you will look back at this relationship and wonder why you ever put up with it as long as you did, and why you invested so many tears and fears into somebody who definitely wasn't worth it.

Another woman will come along in a few months that actually has morals, and won't treat you that way. I guarantee it. Just make sure you are completely over her before any future relationship.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are the captain of a ship with a 1000 lb capacity. A rather beautiful yet heavy statue is in the cargo bay. You are slowly sinking with it still on board.

That statue is now overboard, and you are so busy fretting it's loss that you don't realize how much faster your ship sails.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Nothing you say is shocking to the folks here. 
You need to move on. Forget about her, the relationship is over. Divorce her, split your assets and work on yourself. Be a better person, improve your career with a better frame of mind and do not keep in touch with her. There is no such thing as "we are friends". Once she tires of him or he tires of her, they will split and she will come crawling back and want to make it your fault that she left. Do not take her back.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

nirvana said:


> Nothing you say is shocking to the folks here.
> You need to move on. Forget about her, the relationship is over. Divorce her, split your assets and work on yourself. Be a better person, improve your career with a better frame of mind and do not keep in touch with her. There is no such thing as "we are friends". Once she tires of him or he tires of her, they will split and she will come crawling back and want to make it your fault that she left. Do not take her back.


She tried to talk to me about a month ago ,called for something that wasn't important I didn't answer her call, saw her a few days later somewhere and she tried to have small talk with me, I told her if she was done saying good bye to the girls if she could just leave as I didn't want to see her. It broke my heart doing that to her but she deserve it. Before this happened she told me she hoped we could have a good relationship for the girls sake. I told her don't call me if its not something that has to do with our girls. She hasn't text me or called since then, she seems happy, but its hard to believe what she traded her family for.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Luvher4life said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I know its just so hard to let go I see all the bad things she's doing and what she's putting my girls through. Yet its also so hard to believe the way she is acting ,she's a totally different person and its hard to believe she considers this other man her soul mate, she makes it seem likes she's really happy, I haven't had contact with her in over a month . no calls or text, its just hard to believe she doesn't care. To be honest this new guy doesn't even seem like he shares a lot of things in common besides the fact of making her laugh and loved as she says
> ...


Thanks for the words of wisdom , I do ask myself that question on why I put up with it for 10years and I always get the same answer I love her or at least the image I had of her, even though she is no longer the same person. I stayed because I never wanted my girls to go thru the pain of divorce. I lost my mother at the age of 12 to cancer and it was really hard to not have both parents, I always imagined growing old together and having a happy family. I guess that's what gets me down the most I feel like I failed my girls and seeing them sad and crying some days just breaks me down and to top it off she don't care about her daughters feelings all she would say is they'll be OK they'll get over it . when they see me happy they'll be happy. I got over it when I was little and it didn't affect me one bit. This guy doesn't even seem worth it to be honest, he probably just tells her what she wants to hear, maybe its the fact that he might be better looking than me. Its just gotten to the point where my self esteem is really low.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> So its been over 3 months that my wife left me and my girls to be with a co worker
> 
> she put me down in every way possible, if you can think it she probably told me that. You didn't show me much attention...even though I did everything for her and supported almost all her ideas.
> 
> ...



Stand up for yourself and your family. Do as @farsidejunky says. Throw her overboard and set sail to a better future for you and yours. You deserve better than her. Your kids deserve better than her. We all deserve better. 

Best


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

@Tomas, many attorneys will give you a free consultation, and there are local bars that will offer some limited help when it comes to divorce. Its definitely worth a few phone calls to find out. There are also lots of resources on line to do things like draft a simple separation agreement (it depends on your jurisdiction if you need a one-year separation before you can file). Taking this kind of action over your life is more empowering than you might think. Then there's the perks of sending the forms to your STBX and slapping her upside the head with the reality of her actions.

I hate the "can't we still be friends" line after BS rips your heart into little pieces. Yeah, yeah, I get the "its better for the kids if the parents get along" line of thought. But that can mean that you two don't fight in front of the kids. I don't want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, that's just not how friends behave. (or spouses!)

I'll also toss out there that in my community the parks and rec people have lots of free summer programs for kids. How old are the kids? Do you have family nearby that can help?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > So its been over 3 months that my wife left me and my girls to be with a co worker
> ...


Thanks for the kind words my kids do see me as a great father and the stable one .my oldest doesn't even want to live with her mother and says the only reason she'll leave with her mother is to protect her little sister which Is 4. Its just sometimes the crap they say gets to you. Its hard to think how they can put there kids threw this and assume everything is OK with them, I can't believe my stbxw I told my daughter I don't love your dad I'm in love with someone else and he's better than your dad in every way. Its amazing how much a person can change.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Pluto2 said:


> @Tomas, many attorneys will give you a free consultation, and there are local bars that will offer some limited help when it comes to divorce. Its definitely worth a few phone calls to find out. There are also lots of resources on line to do things like draft a simple separation agreement (it depends on your jurisdiction if you need a one-year separation before you can file). Taking this kind of action over your life is more empowering than you might think. Then there's the perks of sending the forms to your STBX and slapping her upside the head with the reality of her actions.
> 
> I hate the "can't we still be friends" line after BS rips your heart into little pieces. Yeah, yeah, I get the "its better for the kids if the parents get along" line of thought. But that can mean that you two don't fight in front of the kids. I don't want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, that's just not how friends behave. (or spouses!)
> 
> I'll also toss out there that in my community the parks and rec people have lots of free summer programs for kids. How old are the kids? Do you have family nearby that can help?


My oldest is 10 and youngest is 4, I have family helping me take her of them while I'm at work. I pickup my oldest from school and after that spend all day with them. The hard part is dealing with the kids emotions while trying to keep myself together. Its incredible how she could care less she doesn't even bother calling during the day to check up on them ,my oldest has a cell phone so she doesn't even have to speak with me. Is she really in love with this man or is it just something she'll get over. Her oldest asked her pick him or me and her answer was I'm not leaving you , I just I need to feel loved and he makes me feel that way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She might get over the OM (she got over you, right?), but she will never be in love with you again like she was. So please, give up hope (acceptance!!!) and move forward with your life or you are screwed. Please, file now for your own good before she starts wanting money and not this particular OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Tomas said:


> My oldest is 10 and youngest is 4, I have family helping me take her of them while I'm at work. I pickup my oldest from school and after that spend all day with them. The hard part is dealing with the kids emotions while trying to keep myself together. Its incredible how she could care less she doesn't even bother calling during the day to check up on them ,my oldest has a cell phone so she doesn't even have to speak with me. Is she really in love with this man or is it just something she'll get over. Her oldest asked her pick him or me and her answer was I'm not leaving you , I just I need to feel loved and he makes me feel that way.


I remember how hard it all was at the beginning. You're torn into pieces and all hurt and angry, but you have to deal with your kids' emotions first. My ex moved out of state and became a real deadbeat dad. Now, I can't even tell you where he is.
The thing is, the more you allow your kids to feel safe and secure and as stable as possible, the easier this whole ordeal will be for them. Show them, every day that Dad is here and is taking care of their world. Don't mention Mom. It breaks my heart that your DD 10 yr old had to say that to her mother. And it will leave a mark. At this point, Mom can choose to remain active and involved in her children's lives, or not. Have you mentioned the separation to the school counselor. You'd be surprised how much experience most of them have in helping kids through divorce.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Pluto2 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > My oldest is 10 and youngest is 4, I have family helping me take her of them while I'm at work. I pickup my oldest from school and after that spend all day with them. The hard part is dealing with the kids emotions while trying to keep myself together. Its incredible how she could care less she doesn't even bother calling during the day to check up on them ,my oldest has a cell phone so she doesn't even have to speak with me. Is she really in love with this man or is it just something she'll get over. Her oldest asked her pick him or me and her answer was I'm not leaving you , I just I need to feel loved and he makes me feel that way.
> ...


No I haven't mentioned it to the school at first I thought there mother would be over it and we would work things out but things have just gotten worse there mother is deeper into her affair


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your wife left you for nil. She down-graded. 

Water, even dirty water seeks it's own level. 

She could not breath properly on the "Mountain with an Expansive Vista" that you provided her.

She slithered down the steep slope and now comfortably lives in the lowland, in the bog, surrounded by swampland, amidst her fellow scaly critters and ever-present skeeters [some of which are two-legged blood-suckers].

Toads like her have no shoulders and they have no inclination to carry any load.

Why did she do this?

FOR: No responsibility, no pressures. She can smoke pot or do drugs, or have sex with whoever she wants........or not, if she chooses not to.

This is the hippie life and she is Neo-flower child.

I give her ten years. She will get plump, she will lose her teeth and any beauty that she possessed will require will require a ton of money to resurrect, that she will never have.

What feels good today has a price in tomorrow's unforgiving "bazaar". How bizarre! 

She cut her ties to you and the children. In her haste, she knicked her own throat. The slow bleed-out will bring to bear; her progressing woes. 

Her once pretty face will [oh-too-soon] kiss the muddy-muck...... when her kneed life-support give out.....and she collapses into despair....FACE DOWN.

A good plum WS did deliver, They be diamonds............. and they be daughters.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

tomas, you are lucky and you dont know it. You have your kids. I had mine and let my wife come home three years ago and now she is trying to boot me from the house and get custody of my kids . I wish I never let her back. Forget about her YOU NEED TOO YOU HAVE TOO . Move on with your girls. Now im fighting for custody after I already was awarded custody!!!!! PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. Just a second note, they dont change I thought mine had but she didnt the lies, the lies, the lies it never ends. Funny , my attorney told me that 3 years ago


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

bcc said:


> tomas, you are lucky and you dont know it. You have your kids. I had mine and let my wife come home three years ago and now she is trying to boot me from the house and get custody of my kids . I wish I never let her back. Forget about her YOU NEED TOO YOU HAVE TOO . Move on with your girls. Now im fighting for custody after I already was awarded custody!!!!! PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. Just a second note, they dont change I thought mine had but she didnt the lies, the lies, the lies it never ends. Funny , my attorney told me that 3 years ago


I live in a no fault state when we go to court I know the judge is going to award her custody of the kids and I'll be left paying child support


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You are the custodial parent and primary caregiver already!

She's abandoned those children for months! Document! Document! Document everything you've done and she has not done. Then when you contact a lawyer he'll be armed with that evidence. Are you involved in their school yet? 

You need to step up and be proactive till this is over. Don't just let things happen. 

I know it's hard, but you are all you and those children have for a chance at a normal life. Stand up and make sure you have your say in what will happen. 

Here these may give you some ideas, 

Dads Divorce | Connecting Dads with Resources

Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum

Best


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> I live in a no fault state when we go to court I know the judge is going to award her custody of the kids and I'll be left paying child support



No she wont get custody if you stand up for yourself. Document and get witnesses. She's abandoned her kids and you. Cmon man!!!!!

Read up and quit being someone's doormat. You can do this. Many have.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=5l1tsYJTF60dQBx2Tf_9etxE4rk-


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get a bound notebook calendar and go back to the day she left, and fill out data on every day since then - showing how little she is with her children. Once you get a lawyer, show them the calendar and say you want full custody of your girls.

I'm not even going to give you advice on how to get her back, because I don't want you back with her; she's a serial cheater and you deserve better.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't assume she gets custody. 
The longer you are the primary care-giver for the two kids, the better your chances of retaining legal custody upon divorce. Document everything. Keep a journal and quickly jot down things like : prepared breakfast, prepped for school, assisted w/homework, made dinner, coordinated play-date, talked with teacher, took to MD, etc. If or when she takes the girls for the night write that down along with any communication you have with the kids when they are not with you. Write them down daily, like at the end of the day. It will be invaluable when it comes to you getting custody. The court will listen to a daily journal.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Nope Its called abandonment She did it to you, She abandoned you and the kids, bad move on her part. Its a legal procedure. No judge in their right mind will fall for this crap


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Tomas, I am sorry you are going through this.

Three months is not a very long time and I know you are still off balance and reeling from the shock of what your wife has done, but...the others are right. You need to find an attorney and you need to educate yourself immediately about your rights as a parent.

As the other posters noted, your wife _abandoned_ not only you, but her own children! This is huge. Please document everything she has done and said. She had the nerve to criticize you for putting the girls ahead of her...do you have any idea how crazy that's going to sound to a judge?

I found this link that might be helpful, and I will search for others...
List of Fathers' Rights Organizations in the U.S.


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## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I know this is hard and I am sorry for your situation. In a way you are lucky. I wish my stbxw would leave me and our son. Then there would be no custody dispute and I could provide him with a stable life. Instead she wants to take him out of the state so there will be a battle. It is good that you do not have to deal with this type of issue.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> Get a bound notebook calendar and go back to the day she left, and fill out data on every day since then - showing how little she is with her children. Once you get a lawyer, show them the calendar and say you want full custody of your girls.
> 
> I'm not even going to give you advice on how to get her back, because I don't want you back with her; she's a serial cheater and you deserve better.


I have all the times she has come over written down I'm going to go buy a calendar planner tonight and copy everything over.
As for getting her back I have lost that hope already, no matter how much I love her and I do I can't take her back, with all she's done to me,she left me broken, feeling worthless, and unattractive that's how bad she's made me feel, besides I doubt she would want to come back she's so in love with her affair partner


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

introvert said:


> Tomas, I am sorry you are going through this.
> 
> Three months is not a very long time and I know you are still off balance and reeling from the shock of what your wife has done, but...the others are right. You need to find an attorney and you need to educate yourself immediately about your rights as a parent.
> 
> ...


Yeah she told me that was one of the major reasons, she said your a great father you worry too much about your kids and don't pay much attention to me, you always put them first, your a horrible husband good look to the next one after me, even though I was the one cleaning the house ,looking after the girls ,helping with homework and even cooked a lot of times and even took her lunch to work.. Home cooked could you believe that and she still said before she left she hated me visiting her at work  she decided to leave one night when I told her the girls rooms a mess and you never help me with it, she then went crazy on me and said she worked hard too just like me, even though I was always the one doing everything. After that day she blocked me out and wouldn't even talk to me, said she felt angry every time she looked at me.after that they she would start getting home past 3:00am. This lasted 2 weeks and decided to leave to be with AP of course she denied it at first.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I can honestly say that I was AT LEAST as crushed, depressed, self esteem gone, not looking forward to waking up the next day and hoping I wouldn't, as you. It's been about two years. I feel now that this horrible evil deed that was done by her, turned out to be a blessing to me. I am now in a happy, loving, affectionate relationship that leaves me feeling fulfilled, happy, excited, and content. I wonder how I ever was happy in my past marriage.
It can happen to you, also.

You are going to be miserable. But, if you will force yourself to do what you know you should, you will go forward and find contentment again. 

Do not be afraid to start over. God can turn the worst situation around if you get out if his way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Tomas said:


> she decided to leave one night when I told her the girls rooms a mess and you never help me with it, she then went crazy on me and said she worked hard too just like me, even though I was always the one doing everything. After that day she blocked me out and wouldn't even talk to me, said she felt angry every time she looked at me.after that they she would start getting home past 3:00am. This lasted 2 weeks and decided to leave to be with AP of course she denied it at first.


Oh, trust me...she'd been seeing her new beau long before this blow up between the two of you. She was merely looking for a reason to start a fight and bail on all of you.

I am glad that you are documenting everything...continue to do so.

And take it from Evinrude and me...someday, you will realize how much of a blessing this whole interlude was. I know it sucks right now, but things will get so much better for you.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Yeah I can see how she had this planned out for awhile already I mean this isn't the first time she did this, first time she walked out on us though like she didn't even care. My daughter told me she acts different now not mommy like anymore it makes me sad to hear it coming from my daughter. Its just hard for us people that actually value family and wedding vows , I would of never had done something like this to her even when she cheated the first time and like this time it was with a co worker. It seems like every job she gets I always had to worry about it


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

introvert said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > she decided to leave one night when I told her the girls rooms a mess and you never help me with it, she then went crazy on me and said she worked hard too just like me, even though I was always the one doing everything. After that day she blocked me out and wouldn't even talk to me, said she felt angry every time she looked at me.after that they she would start getting home past 3:00am. This lasted 2 weeks and decided to leave to be with AP of course she denied it at first.
> ...


I dedicated my life to my family if you guys had any advice on getting out there and meeting new people what would you suggest, at this point all I want to do is stay isolated and just dedicate my time to my girls , but its so hard I feel like sometimes I just need to go out for a night with someone my age or do you and think that's a bad idea?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Advice on meeting new people? 

Wait a year before you start to date. Get into therapy to get the knots out of your rope between now and then.

No offense, but you would not be good for dating right now or anytime soon.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Tomas said:


> I dedicated my life to my family if you guys had any advice on getting out there and meeting new people what would you suggest, at this point all I want to do is stay isolated and just dedicate my time to my girls , but its so hard I feel like sometimes I just need to go out for a night with someone my age or do you and think that's a bad idea?


Not a bad idea. Check out meetup.com in your area. Hold your head up my friend. Things really do get better with time even though letting go is hard.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Advice on meeting new people?
> 
> Wait a year before you start to date. Get into therapy to get the knots out of your rope between now and then.
> 
> ...


I wasn't leaning to much toward dating other women. Most of my guy friends now live in other states or live really far away so its hard to get out with the guy friends, like I said I dedicated myself to my family and didn't really concentrate on making new friends I was just worried about spending time with my family and that's why she said I put my daughters first all the time. I do however have a best friend that I have know since high school but here's the problem shes a female and she's the closest friend I have about half hour drive. She's been asking me to come visit or meet up. She's been helping me since this happened ,she checks up on me daily. She also use to be my stbxw best friend when they were young, she even warned me about her not to fall for her because she knew how she was. I guess I should of listened to her but then again I wouldn't have my 2 beautiful girls.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> Get a bound notebook calendar and go back to the day she left, and fill out data on every day since then - showing how little she is with her children. Once you get a lawyer, show them the calendar and say you want full custody of your girls.
> 
> I'm not even going to give you advice on how to get her back, because I don't want you back with her; she's a serial cheater and you deserve better.


This is undoubtedly true.

But, brother... part of your solution is that you grow up and become a man. She treated you the way you taught her to. This is a hard truth and isn't meant to be nearly as mean as it sounds.

But, it's clear you were codependent and seeking her approval. You simply must work on yourself or the "next relationship" will be with another borderline/bat****crazy person. Perhaps not as extreme as this psycho, but someone who will blame you for everything that's wrong in the relationship.

Working to love yourself will help you spot these people miles away and avoid them. A life of peace and happiness will result.

I realize you're in a war right now that you have to win. But, the rest of your life awaits you after that. Plan for it.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So I was up until 3:00am guys thinking like I have for the past 3 months, thinking off all the stuff she blamed me for all the things she told me i didn't do, and I do have to admit some of them I could of improved in, maybe I did show my girls more attention than her. However I realize that is not a reason to cheat but an excuse to do so. I recalled her telling me before she left I know what I want and what I deserve and you can't give me it... And I will get it. Turns out her AP is a loser and really is not the guy she made him to be, he's not buying her a house anytime soon, or giving her all the luxuries she wanted, all he's doing is making her feel good and telling her what she wants to hear. I mean my stbxw is attractive. Back to my original point ,as I was thinking last night I recalled something that I had tried to forget in the beginning of our relationship and succeeded until last night. I have been blindly in love with this woman, as I believe in god and was so happy to find out she was pregnant and made a promise to god to never leave her and love her. Well what I recalled that her first job she had which was a about 1.5 yr into our relationship she cheated on me and confessed herself she had kissed a co worker about a month when she started working, she quit that job. I forgave her. About 2 yes later new job had a physical affair with co worker I caught her through text messages telling him I love you,she confessed and with. Fast forward a couple years caught her in a emotional affair with some guy from Facebook that lived somewhere in Dubai. This happened a year ago I forgave we decided to work it out, she started working in retail store a couple weeks later and now were hear again same problem a coworker physical affair. Now I think man I really love this woman or is it the love I have for my girls and my illusion of always trying to keep my family together. Wtf is wrong with me why did I deal with this crap for so long?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Tomas, I know it has been recommended many times, have you read this link yet... No More Mr. Nice Guy

Best


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tomas said:


> So I was up until 3:00am guys thinking like I have for the past 3 months, thinking off all the stuff she blamed me for all the things she told me i didn't do, and I do have to admit some of them I could of improved in, maybe I did show my girls more attention than her. However I realize that is not a reason to cheat but an excuse to do so. I recalled her telling me before she left I know what I want and what I deserve and you can't give me it... And I will get it. Turns out her AP is a loser and really is not the guy she made him to be, he's not buying her a house anytime soon, or giving her all the luxuries she wanted, all he's doing is making her feel good and telling her what she wants to hear. I mean my stbxw is attractive. Back to my original point ,as I was thinking last night I recalled something that I had tried to forget in the beginning of our relationship and succeeded until last night. I have been blindly in love with this woman, as I believe in god and was so happy to find out she was pregnant and made a promise to god to never leave her and love her. Well what I recalled that her first job she had which was a about 1.5 yr into our relationship she cheated on me and confessed herself she had kissed a co worker about a month when she started working, she quit that job. I forgave her. About 2 yes later new job had a physical affair with co worker I caught her through text messages telling him I love you,she confessed and with. Fast forward a couple years caught her in a emotional affair with some guy from Facebook that lived somewhere in Dubai. This happened a year ago I forgave we decided to work it out, she started working in retail store a couple weeks later and now were hear again same problem a coworker physical affair. Now I think man I really love this woman or is it the love I have for my girls and my illusion of always trying to keep my family together. Wtf is wrong with me why did I deal with this crap for so long?


Man Oh Man.....Please stop.

Do not get in another relationship until you have been to therapy for codependency.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I download it and have started reading it, thanks. I guess the question that really gets to me is why she did it, did she just get tired of the responsibility of being a mother or was it really me not showing much attention to her as she said? One thing I have been thinking about and I haven't mentioned is something she never wanted to talk about much and that was that when she was little around 8/10 she was abused by one of her mothers bf . she never had a stable home growing up and she basically grew up in a situation of her mom divorcing her dad and sleeping around with other men, her own father told her that the way she left the girls is what her mother did and she's doing the same exact thing. She says it didn't affect her and that the girls will be OK , just how she's OK. It will make them stronger. Her excuse to her daughter is she left because she just needed to feel loved .I showed her love and now that I think of it she could never accept anything nice I did for her, yes we did have some problems but it was mainly me telling her if she could help out with her part. I wonder if she's going to bring these problems into her new relationship or if its really true love??


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > So I was up until 3:00am guys thinking like I have for the past 3 months, thinking off all the stuff she blamed me for all the things she told me i didn't do, and I do have to admit some of them I could of improved in, maybe I did show my girls more attention than her. However I realize that is not a reason to cheat but an excuse to do so. I recalled her telling me before she left I know what I want and what I deserve and you can't give me it... And I will get it. Turns out her AP is a loser and really is not the guy she made him to be, he's not buying her a house anytime soon, or giving her all the luxuries she wanted, all he's doing is making her feel good and telling her what she wants to hear. I mean my stbxw is attractive. Back to my original point ,as I was thinking last night I recalled something that I had tried to forget in the beginning of our relationship and succeeded until last night. I have been blindly in love with this woman, as I believe in god and was so happy to find out she was pregnant and made a promise to god to never leave her and love her. Well what I recalled that her first job she had which was a about 1.5 yr into our relationship she cheated on me and confessed herself she had kissed a co worker about a month when she started working, she quit that job. I forgave her. About 2 yes later new job had a physical affair with co worker I caught her through text messages telling him I love you,she confessed and with. Fast forward a couple years caught her in a emotional affair with some guy from Facebook that lived somewhere in Dubai. This happened a year ago I forgave we decided to work it out, she started working in retail store a couple weeks later and now were hear again same problem a coworker physical affair. Now I think man I really love this woman or is it the love I have for my girls and my illusion of always trying to keep my family together. Wtf is wrong with me why did I deal with this crap for so long?
> ...


I'm not trying to get into another relationship I know now I'm not ready for such a thing. The only thing is I'm struggling some raising my girls on my own .even though I was doing it almost myself when we were still together. Its hard trying to keep my 2 daughters happy I have to comfort them while trying to deal with my own heart break. Trust me this is the hardest situation I have had to deal with.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She's selfish that all there is to it. She knows right from wrong. She doesn't care because she comes first. She lives like a feral cat, brought up in the wild. 

Tomas, this isn't rocket science. You've just been conditioned to believe there is something you should have or could have done to change this. Every 'White Knight' believes that he can make things better. They see the good in a damaged person as a project they could fix. It doesn't happen in real life. She is what she is, it's in her nature. You couldn't change that if you stood on your head. Your nice guy self won't allow you to see her for what she is. Immature and selfish. Not life partner material. 

Keep reading. You'll see...

Best


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tomas said:


> I download it and have started reading it, thanks. I guess the question that really gets to me is why she did it, did she just get tired of the responsibility of being a mother or was it really me not showing much attention to her as she said? One thing I have been thinking about and I haven't mentioned is something she never wanted to talk about much and that was that when she was little around 8/10 she was abused by one of her mothers bf . she never had a stable home growing up and she basically grew up in a situation of her mom divorcing her dad and sleeping around with other men, her own father told her that the way she left the girls is what her mother did and she's doing the same exact thing. She says it didn't affect her and that the girls will be OK , just how she's OK. It will make them stronger. Her excuse to her daughter is she left because she just needed to feel loved .I showed her love and now that I think of it she could never accept anything nice I did for her, yes we did have some problems but it was mainly me telling her if she could help out with her part. I wonder if she's going to bring these problems into her new relationship or if its really true love??


Why she did it is irrelevant. Could be a number of reasons. None of them matter. What does matter is you beginning to focus on yourself and girls. 

Get a counselor now. Find the money. 
Get a Lawyer now. Divorce this woman. 
Get full custody and teach your girls right from wrong.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Ay tomas, you picked the wrong woman to make a wife. She is not wife material and it's that simple. She of course, isn't mother material either. 

Her actions speak louder than words Tomas. Her mother leaving dad and family and causing trauma in her life through the low life's she brought home scream of the cycle of abuse your cheating wife is going through. It is your responsibility, as the most sane parent your girls have, that this cycle ends with her and that your girls grow up as healthy adults.

Stop blaming yourself or trying to figure out why. She is damaged and no one can fix her unless she decides that something is wrong with her. She needs to figure that out. You need to take care of yourself and your girls. Please, don't expect too much from her. She is not capable of being a decent mom to your girls. Where ever you can, you must find the money to take care of getting full custody of your girls legally. You owe them that! They need a stable home with at least one decent parent to care for them as they can't do it on their own.

Stay strong, you will reap the benefits when you enjoy seeing your girls become wonderful, healthy adults!

That day will come faster then you think.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Ay tomas, you picked the wrong woman to make a wife. She is not wife material and it's that simple. She of course, isn't mother material either.
> 
> Her actions speak louder than words Tomas. Her mother leaving dad and family and causing trauma in her life through the low life's she brought home scream of the cycle of abuse your cheating wife is going through. It is your responsibility, as the most sane parent your girls have, that this cycle ends with her and that your girls grow up as healthy adults.
> 
> ...


Yes I see that, hard to believe she could care so little about her daughters emotions, she came to pick them up Tuesday for the first time to take them out and tried forcing my oldest daughter to meet her bf, of course my daughter said no! My daughter then asked her if she could buy her something and her mother said I can't I don't have any money and I'm running out of gas . she then asked why don't you take some from the money you've been saving for your apartment, she answered I haven't saved anything. My daughter then told her then ask your dumb boyfriend to let you borrow some, she then replied he doesn't have any he spends it like me and we don't budget our money good . damn she traded me for this loser !


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> damn she traded me for this loser !


No Tomas, she gave you two beautiful daughters that have a very decent man as a father. She was sane enough when she mothered your girls. Always be thankful for that. Creation of who ever is giving your babies a fighting chance by it being you that fathered them!

Stay strong Tomas, she is messed up, has been for years. She is with the type of person she feels she deserves. She had a great family and threw it away just like her momma. Something is off kilter within her. It's her internal pollution that made her descend to pick a loser as the her new found love. It will not last long. It can't!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I wonder if she's going to bring these problems into her new relationship or if its really true love??
> ...


My older sister watches the little one while I'm at work and I pick up the oldest one from school when I can if I can get out of work early as I'm self employed. After that its me that cooks,and cleans , and watches after them.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > damn she traded me for this loser !
> ...


Funny thing is she is already making plans that she's gonna marry this guy and to be honest I give her 3 months at most and I think shell end up pregnant I can see her intentions, it seems like this guy is promising her the world . what do you think of this she asked me what I thought was a weird question she asked the last time we spoke. " what do you do when I have cramps, or what would you do?" Because this guy is nothing like you he rubs my belly to make it feel better, he takes really good care of me and is really caring.... I mean what type of crap is this guy feeling her head with or throwing at her? She has this knight and shining armor delusion of this guy.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why in Gods name are you listing to or engaging with this woman in any way, other than the kids or finances? Are you a glutton for abuse? She's not your friend!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Funny thing is she is already making plans that she's gonna marry this guy and to be honest I give her 3 months at most and* I think shell end up pregnant* I can see her intentions, it seems like this guy is promising her the world . what do you think of this she asked me what I thought was a weird question she asked the last time we spoke. " what do you do when I have cramps, or what would you do?" *Because this guy is nothing like you he rubs my belly to make it feel better, he takes really good care of me and is really caring.... *I mean what type of crap is this guy feeling her head with or throwing at her? She has this knight and shining armor delusion of this guy.


First bold part: Oh God, I hope she doesn't bring another innocent child into this world.



Second bold part: Well of course this guy is nothing like you? You work, clean, cook, bathe and care for your babies. She is not a baby. He treats her like that because she is messed up. He is playing her and using her. Her baby days are long gone, but emotionally she hasn't caught up yet. She may very well never catch up.

When she starts telling you this BS, walk away and tell her you have two real babies that need your care. The two she neglected!

You are walking away with the best she could give you...Your Girls!

Stop thinking that she loves this idiot she is with. She is emotionally stunted and therefore incapable of loving anyone. Not even her kids whom she had in her for 9 months! They are her flesh and blood. They say blood is thicker than water, well she doesn't show much love to her thick blood ties now does she?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> Why in Gods name are you listing to or engaging with this woman in any way, other than the kids or finances? Are you a glut for abuse? She's not your friend!


I haven't talk to her in a month already no communication. Except for about 2 weeks ago I accidentally found her at a park she had my youngest daughter , I was with my oldest one . my daughter saw me and ran towards me and said she wanted to come home with me, I was so mad she had took my little one to meet her AP. She wanted to buckle her in my truck I snapped and told her if your done saying good bye could you just leave. And those are the only words I spoke to her. Her oldest daughter told me that her mom isn't the same person anymore.. And misses who she use to be.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Funny thing is she is already making plans that she's gonna marry this guy and to be honest I give her 3 months at most and* I think shell end up pregnant* I can see her intentions, it seems like this guy is promising her the world . what do you think of this she asked me what I thought was a weird question she asked the last time we spoke. " what do you do when I have cramps, or what would you do?" *Because this guy is nothing like you he rubs my belly to make it feel better, he takes really good care of me and is really caring.... *I mean what type of crap is this guy feeling her head with or throwing at her? She has this knight and shining armor delusion of this guy.
> ...


You are very wise you pretty much nailed everything. I remember the last thing I told her when I was stupid enough to try and get some sense into her and telling her how much it would affect the girls, not that she cared she was already to deep in her affair. was, whatever you do if you think this is your true love please do not make the same mistake your making today, don't make another child life hell. I hate her so much that she's pressuring my girls to accept this new guy, what kind of mother is she puts her emotions and needs before her daughter , she doesn't realize the pain she s putting her daughters through.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tomas, she says these things to make you feel bad and make you think that you're the reason for her bad behavior. These lies justify her bad behavior to herself any anyone who'll listen to her. It shifts blame from her to you. It's as if she says it enough it becomes reality. Don't entertain it and don't believe it. It's a form of abuse. DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

In due time, she'll get bored of this new man and she'll move onto another victim. I'm pretty positive of that. 

I simply have zero respect for a woman who can easily bail on her children like your wife did.

What you need to do is forget about her sorry a$$. Focus on healing yourself and take incredible care, love, nurture and protect your girls! Don't involve or allow them to be involved in this disaster their mother has going on. Be their voice. And stand up for yourself.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> In due time, she'll get bored of this new man and she'll move onto another victim. I'm pretty positive of that.
> 
> I simply have zero respect for a woman who can easily bail on her children like your wife did.
> 
> What you need to do is forget about her sorry a$$. Focus on healing yourself and take incredible care, love, nurture and protect your girls! Don't involve or allow them to be involved in this disaster their mother has going on. Be their voice. And stand up for yourself.


Its there mother bringing this disaster into there lifes if she's so in love and happy with this new person , why does she have to force her daughters to meet him if they don't want to. Is she looking for approval of them , why can't she just live her life and leave them alone.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Its there mother bringing this disaster into there lifes if she's so in love and happy with this new person , why does she have to force her daughters to meet him if they don't want to. Is she looking for approval of them , why can't she just live her life and leave them alone.


You can prevent this by taking legal action Tomas. Find the money to get a lawyer and lawyer up!

He can place restraining orders against your wife introducing partners to your girls. It can all be done. If she breaks the restraining order, it will help you with full custody of your girls. 

Actions, actions and more actions speak louder than words Tomas. Take action now!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tomas said:


> I'm not trying to get into another relationship I know now I'm not ready for such a thing. The only thing is I'm struggling some raising my girls on my own .even though I was doing it almost myself when we were still together. Its hard trying to keep my 2 daughters happy I have to comfort them while trying to deal with my own heart break. Trust me this is the hardest situation I have had to deal with.


Tomas. You will never have an answer for why. Until you accept she is gone (it's the hard part, and takes a while), you will beat your head against the wall thinking about why and what you could have done to prevent this. You could have done nothing. The sad fact is that your wife is a serial cheater, and a chronically discontented person.

Once you accept she is gone, and get back in the groove, and the emotional storm in your mind is over,you will then be able to see clearly what your wife is and why it's not all your fault.

99% of women want their husband to put the children first in their life. Yes, this is just an excuse. She's a cheating **** is why she cheated.
And that is also why she will be miserable no matter what happens. You need her gone.
Why did the snake bite me, the boy asked? Grandfather said "because he is a snake, sonny".

Accept your wife for what she is, and divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not trying to get into another relationship I know now I'm not ready for such a thing. The only thing is I'm struggling some raising my girls on my own .even though I was doing it almost myself when we were still together. Its hard trying to keep my 2 daughters happy I have to comfort them while trying to deal with my own heart break. Trust me this is the hardest situation I have had to deal with.
> ...


Yup, I hope for her sake she found who makes her happy and its worth it for her what she putting her girls through, time will tell if it comes to bite her in the ass ,but don't worry I would never take her back even if she tried coming back which I doubt, she's done the damage already


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Remember we are pressing you to start some type of legal action because until that happens she is perfectly within her rights to introduce her children to whomever she likes. You cannot stop her.

Call the county bar association and ask for a referral.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Since she has left, I would have a no relationship discussion rule. I think she likes to have her cake and eat it too, being with her boyfriend and then discussing your failing as if you two were still together. Simply I do not care to discuss it is fine. Get better clothes, work out, get confident, and go on with your own life, and let her fight over money and other things with broke minimum wage new boyfriend. Right now, I would exclude any discussion except as necessary to deal with children.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I found out last night she applied for food stamps and isn't even using for the girls she's been using it to feed herself and her AP!!! I'm the one that's been supporting the girls by myself! Should I report her for fraud?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tomas said:


> I found out last night she applied for food stamps and isn't even using for the girls she's been using it to feed herself and her AP!!! I'm the one that's been supporting the girls by myself! Should I report her for fraud?


Document everything! Every...little...bit.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have you filed for divorce yet? If not, get it done, and push the divorce through to completion ASAP.

She's still in a dopamine-induced affair fog, so use that to your advantage -- you want the divorce to be over and done with well before the shine starts to come off the apple. You want her 110% focused on her relationship w/ Mr. Minimumwage McFoodstamps.

Limit contact to ONLY topics concerning the kids or the divorce, and use e-mail for that. In other words, no more texting, and no more phone calls that don't involve emergencies w/ the kids. This will help you to disengage and detach, as well as ensuring that everything is documented and easily accessible. Oh, and change passwords to everything -- e-mail, social media, etc.

Prepare yourself for a life w/o her; to that end, read up on and implement the 180.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Forget about reporting her, just document it and let your lawyer advice and handle the situation. When food stamps run out or they can't buy other things with them, she is going to come and take the girls away from you and then hit you with child support. Guess who the child support money is going for?

Please don't delay, act today!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tomas said:


> Yup, I hope for her sake she found who makes her happy and its worth it for her what she putting her girls through, time will tell if it comes to bite her in the ass ,but don't worry I would never take her back even if she tried coming back which I doubt, she's done the damage already


No, you don't get it. NOBODY "finds someone that can "make them happy". She isn't happy with herself, and likely never will be. You, nor anyone else will ever "make her happy".
That's why she cheats--- unhappiness. And that's not your fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you not have any family or friends?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> I found out last night she applied for food stamps and isn't even using for the girls she's been using it to feed herself and her AP!!! I'm the one that's been supporting the girls by myself! Should I report her for fraud?


Document and use it for full custody. Better file as soon as you can and get this moving for your kids sake.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> Do you not have any family or friends?


Yes I have a sister and my father, and just 1 really good friend. Why ?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Funny thing I just found out that she's already planning on getting married , she's hoping that guys gonna pop the question or he's leading her to believe that, man she seriously lost her marbles or really in her fog


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Funny thing I just found out that she's already planning on getting married , she's hoping that guys gonna pop the question or he's leading her to believe that, man she seriously lost her marbles or really in her fog


So what? She left remember? Focus on YOU and the girls. You are so fixated on her that it's painful to see.

Please read about the 180 and start implementing it. 

Are you two legally married?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

See a lawyer ASAP. You have all the advantages based on the facts. You should go for full custody and she should pay child support. She likely won't fight it. Change the locks if you haven't already.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tomas said:


> Funny thing I just found out that she's already planning on getting married , she's hoping that guys gonna pop the question or he's leading her to believe that, man she seriously lost her marbles or really in her fog


Good. Divorce her RIGHT NOW, when she is in the land of unicorns and rainbows, to help you secure a better deal.

"Wife, let's get divorced ASAP. I no longer want to hold you back from happiness. I will take the girls and the home, you can be free to have you boyfriend. Sign here."

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Funny thing I just found out that she's already planning on getting married , she's hoping that guys gonna pop the question or he's leading her to believe that, man she seriously lost her marbles or really in her fog
> ...


Yes ,we are. we were married 10yrs


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Yes ,we are. we were married 10yrs


I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I completely understand, but you need to shake this need to know her every move. It will drive you bonkers and to no avail. Your girls need you. Focus on them and that will distract you from your pain for maybe a couple of seconds. Fight the urge to know what she is up to.

You must learn to live without her. You cannot afford to lose your girls to her and her new soulmate...(gag me).

That will be a whole lot worse!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Tomas, just like you come here for support from Team TAM, you need to form Team Tomas from your family, friends, and lawyer. She can't beat all of you working together. Do not be too humble to allow them to help you. They can help making phone calls for legal and social services. If you are short money for a lawyer your team can help with a loan. Some lawyers will even spread out the payments to help you through. 

Whatever you do to proceed you can't go without a legal counsel. The longer you wait, the higher the risk you'll lose your children to her selfish behaviors and put your daughters at risk. Your wife's AP doesn't care about your children, he only cares about himself and his selfish desires. Can you imagine what they will allow your girls to be exposed to? Can you see him playing daddy to them because you didn't get a lawyer in time to protect them? 

Read this article... Child abuse the dark underbelly of cohabitation | NBC News


Best


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Have you filed for divorce yet? If not, get it done, and push the divorce through to completion ASAP.
> 
> She's still in a dopamine-induced affair fog, so use that to your advantage -- you want the divorce to be over and done with well before the shine starts to come off the apple. You want her 110% focused on her relationship w/ Mr. Minimumwage McFoodstamps.
> 
> ...


Can't like this enough
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Good. Divorce her RIGHT NOW, when she is in the land of unicorns and rainbows, to help you secure a better deal.
> 
> "Wife, let's get divorced ASAP. I no longer want to hold you back from happiness. I will take the girls and the home, you can be free to have you boyfriend. Sign here."
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Absolutely yes, yes, yes. This!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tomas said:


> Funny thing I just found out that she's already planning on getting married , she's hoping that guys gonna pop the question or he's leading her to believe that, man she seriously lost her marbles or really in her fog


This is your moment of opportunity. This silly woman is thinking he's going to pop the question when she's not even filed for divorce. Oh boy how he will change once you ARE divorced and he thinks he night have to be responsible for her!!!!
Do not, under any circumstances pass this opportunity by. File today!
While all she wants is this arsehat that will dump her the minute he thinks of the word responsibility.
Then she will want alimony, child support, full custody, etcetera.

If you wait to file, you are an idiot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas,

Little exercise for you.

Go back to the first page of this thread and read the whole thing. I just did.

A WHOLE lot of speculation and pondering people and events you cannot change (her)

Very LITTLE information about you. What are your hobbies? Do you like sports? What job do you do? What do you like about your job? What do your co-workers rely on you to do?

How about your childhood? What was your mom like? Your father? What was a typical night like after Tomas came home from school?

Let me put this to you straight.

You've given us all sorts of information about someone we care nothing about - HER

You've given us almost zero information about someone we care very much about - YOU.

I'd recommend changing that... ASAP


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I know that you are hurting and that emotions are raw, but you have a window of opportunity that you need to take advantage of before it is too late. She wants the OM right now and will do what it takes to accomplish that mission. Consult with an attorney and get the ball rolling on divorce, visitation and finances. If you have been married for 10 years, she probably is entitled to part of your retirement. I would have her stipulate in the settlement that she waives that right, in return for a quick divorce. You don't have to be her buddy, but don't be intentionally mean before the papers are signed. Actually, you need to treat her with a certain amount of respect to her, not because she has earned it, but for your daughter sake. Moving quickly should give you an advantage, don't mention the food stamps, but save it as a chip to use in court.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Have you filed for divorce yet? If not, get it done, and push the divorce through to completion ASAP.
> 
> She's still in a dopamine-induced affair fog, so use that to your advantage -- you want the divorce to be over and done with well before the shine starts to come off the apple. You want her 110% focused on her relationship w/ Mr. Minimumwage McFoodstamps.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice guys I was able to find a lawyer that gives the first consultation free and was also able to borrow from family and friends about $2000 do you guys think that's enough to start the process.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Funny thing I just found out that she's already planning on getting married , she's hoping that guys gonna pop the question or he's leading her to believe that, man she seriously lost her marbles or really in her fog
> ...


I have set up a meeting with him for this Tuesday . You guys are awesome and giving me the motivation to move forward and see how really crappy my relationship with this woman was and how I deserve better. Believe it or not you guys are helping get over this self blame and making things clearer for me to see. I've been living in hell for 10 years!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Thomas the ones who come through this best get strong and stay there. It's the only way you can forge a life you deserve. Move on and don't look back. Go for full custody. Document and get witnesses. You will be way ahead of most.

Good luck man.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Thanks for the advice guys I was able to find a lawyer that gives the first consultation free and was also able to borrow from family and friends about $2000 do you guys think that's enough to start the process.


If it's uncontested and depending on your state, it could be enough.

I'm glad you are feeling better. Keep keeping strong!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> Tomas,
> 
> Little exercise for you.
> 
> ...


I see your point..
My go to hobbies are hiking,enjoying nature, working on cars as I'm very mechanically inclined , there just something about fixing things that calms me down, I stoped doing it because my stbxw never saw any value in all things I knew how to do or enjoy, I love growing my own vegetables and feeding my girls as much organic foods as I can. I work in the construction field I can build block walls,pretty much anything with block, brick, I can make custom made BBQ island, fire pits, I specialize in custom stamped concrete, I love my type of work I can pretty much build my own house minus some work like plumbing and electrical, which now I'm thinking of going to school for, to further expand my knowledge. But above all I just love spending time and going places with my girls and family. Its just sad now that I think of things that she saw no value in... Now that I think of it I remember working outside in over100° weather and she never once brought me a glass of lemonade. Kind of sad....would of been nice. I guess when your in love with a person it makes you blind....
As for my dad I have a really good relationship with him, as for my mother I list her to cancer at age 12 my dad never remarried after that.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Yes ,we are. we were married 10yrs
> ...


Yes , I have cut all connections with her the last one I had was through Pinterest which I had forgotten to delete her from , but I just did it. Im also going to block her sister from my account I just don't want to see anything that could be related to her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Now you are starting to lose the wife goggles.

Keep following this line of thought; it is the very beginning of your healing.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I also remember working outside in 90% humidity and +100 degrees. My ex wife never brought me anything to drink, either. 

You need to remember that some people are just untrustworthy, selfish people. 
I personally think that LOTS of women want a storybook wedding where they're the center of attention, a husband and kids, a nice home, and lots of exciting vacations. When they get all or most of these things in their thirties, they get bored, start wondering what else is out there; and start a process mentally where they're constantly analyzing how bad their life and their husband is, and at the same time start needing attention from other men because they're worried about getting old and losing their beauty.

Your wife sounds selfish and lacking in any character at all. She even leaves her kids.

You should have zero regrets about divorcing her. Tomorrow.

But try not to spend much time feeling sorry for yourself like I did. Get back out there and enjoy life.

It may seem like the end of the world, but it's not. You can rise above all this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Tomas said:


> So I was up until 3:00am guys thinking like I have for the past 3 months, thinking off all the stuff she blamed me for all the things she told me i didn't do, and I do have to admit some of them I could of improved in, maybe I did show my girls more attention than her. However I realize that is not a reason to cheat but an excuse to do so. I recalled her telling me before she left I know what I want and what I deserve and you can't give me it... And I will get it. Turns out her AP is a loser and really is not the guy she made him to be, he's not buying her a house anytime soon, or giving her all the luxuries she wanted, all he's doing is making her feel good and telling her what she wants to hear. I mean my stbxw is attractive. Back to my original point ,as I was thinking last night I recalled something that I had tried to forget in the beginning of our relationship and succeeded until last night. I have been blindly in love with this woman, as I believe in god and was so happy to find out she was pregnant and made a promise to god to never leave her and love her. Well what I recalled that her first job she had which was a about 1.5 yr into our relationship she cheated on me and confessed herself she had kissed a co worker about a month when she started working, she quit that job. I forgave her. About 2 yes later new job had a physical affair with co worker I caught her through text messages telling him I love you,she confessed and with. Fast forward a couple years caught her in a emotional affair with some guy from Facebook that lived somewhere in Dubai. This happened a year ago I forgave we decided to work it out, she started working in retail store a couple weeks later and now were hear again same problem a coworker physical affair. Now I think man I really love this woman or is it the love I have for my girls and my illusion of always trying to keep my family together. Wtf is wrong with me why did I deal with this crap for so long?


I might sound like I am missing the point. The truth is I cannot offer advice for most of your post, it is going to hurt horribly and you are going through an emotional ringer.

That emotional ringer will be worse if you are not sleeping properly.

Start some hard manly exercise - personal trainer if you can afford it, boxing, weights, MMA, the less you see it as you the better. You will learn how to reinvent yourself. You need to feel physically alive and wear yourself out. 

Also, yoga. You need to relax, your tension will be unbearable.

Finally, try a meditation class. Ideally, keep looking until you find one that works for you.

This is a tough time and you have to make sure you are able to cope with it as best you can. 

Sleep well, you have to be in top condition for your kids and yourself.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Thanks


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She is following the cheater script. It's all your fault. Man you are young and can build your next life what you want it to be. You're correct. You need to purge everything about her from your life.

Love is blind. You never saw or perhaps never wanted to see her for what she is. You should be able with a good attorney get primary custody of your kids. 

Move on fast and get out of this. There are many good women out there that are way better than what she is.

Go, go, go!!!!!!!!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> She is following the cheater script. It's all your fault. Man you are young and can build your next life what you want it to be. You're correct. You need to purge everything about her from your life.
> 
> Love is blind. You never saw or perhaps never wanted to see her for what she is. You should be able with a good attorney get primary custody of your kids.
> 
> ...


Thanks brother I have an appointment with lawyer on Tuesday. Time to get this ball rolling


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There are millions of women out there that would love a thirty-one year old single father.

You will get through this. Your wife has cheated multiple times. You are going to have so much better of a life without her. You could use a physical person to talk to. I suggest a therapist that specializes in infidelity.
I think if you have truly accepted this for what it is and really are going to divorce her, then you're already doing well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> I see your point..
> My go to hobbies are hiking,enjoying nature, working on cars as I'm very mechanically inclined , there just something about fixing things that calms me down, I stoped doing it because my stbxw never saw any value in all things I knew how to do or enjoy, I love growing my own vegetables and feeding my girls as much organic foods as I can. *I work in the construction field I can build block walls,pretty much anything with block, brick, I can make custom made BBQ island, fire pits, I specialize in custom stamped concrete, I love my type of work I can pretty much build my own house minus some work like plumbing and electrical*, which now I'm thinking of going to school for, to further expand my knowledge. But above all I just love spending time and going places with my girls and family. Its just sad now that I think of things that she saw no value in... Now that I think of it I remember working outside in over100° weather and she never once brought me a glass of lemonade. Kind of sad....would of been nice. I guess when your in love with a person it makes you blind....
> As for my dad I have a really good relationship with him, as for my mother I list her to cancer at age 12 my dad never remarried after that.


Your skills and knowledge are Golden! A DIY concrete man! 

Take a look at the DIY people. Lots of great ideas with plans and step by step instructions to build wonderful things for your beautiful babies at a fraction of the price!

I'm so sorry about your mom. I just lost mine 2 months ago. She was 84. I was very blessed with having her this long. I miss her terribly though. I wish she didn't have to leave, but she was very ill the 3 months prior to her departure.

She is in a better place for sure! It's just the fact that I can't see her here anymore that hurts so much and makes it hard to accept that she is gone.

Anyhoo, keep telling us about you. Your love for your girls makes me smile!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Thanks brother I have an appointment with lawyer on Tuesday. Time to get this ball rolling


Tomas,

Let me bore a bit deeper into this.

In your own words.... there are things you love to do and are passionate about that you stopped doing because SHE saw no value in it.

Do you see the point about placing low value on yourself? Realize now, you are FREE to pursue what you like and to set your own schedule. Show your girls the side of you they would have missed (their entire lives) if you still had this albatross of a wife around your neck.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Delete your last post immediately. Do not discuss with anyone, I mean anyone again. 

As to WW and OM, now is the time to go for full custody. He will not want your kids around, use this to your advantage. If you can financially offer to forego child support as an encouragement.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know it hurts. I left a serial cheater, too. It took me far to long to admit what was going on, and yes, he maintained- once confronted-that I was the cause. Rubbish. Not being a perfect spouse means that you are a human being, but never does it justify cheating. 
Good luck with the attorney tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tomas said:


> As for my dad I have a really good relationship with him, as for my mother I list her to cancer at age 12 my dad never remarried after that.


I think it is nice he never remarried. It shows his commitment to his children. I am sure his devotion made you feel valued and helped with remaining grounded after the unfortunate loss of your mother.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I see your point..
> ...


I'm really sorry to hear about your mother I know how hard it must be to not be able to see her and talk to her Im sure you miss her terribly. She is definitely in a better place ,just take comfort in knowing that you guys will be united again one day. I still hurts not having my mother ,I remember growing up in school was hard for me specially on mothers day when everyone was celebrating and I had no one.coming home from school was also pretty sad as I had no one to talk to or share stories about how my day went. My father was working and would be home late, he did he's best providing for me. 
So a little bit more about myself I'm a kid at heart there's nothing that I enjoy more than just getting lost in the moment with my girls whether its watching cartoons with them( which I love to do) or just going out in the backyard and playing, showing them to just let there imagination run wild. I myself get lost in those moments. My daughter sometimes ask me and it makes me smile " daddy how do you have such a big imagination and are so fun". One thing that I look forward to is school field trips my daughter says everytime there's a trip and ask for volunteers her friends always say pick her dad her dad is fun! I received the best volunteer award by the principal this year! 
Needless to say that you know who killed it for me by saying all those times I went I never got anything and all you care about is you girls and not me.I don't even find what you do is funny, huh I guess i t got to a point that I learned to block her comments out or just got use to the pain. I just love kids, I find it that there truthful and easy to get along with. I just always dreamed about having a big family, always wanted 4/5 kids and just always looked forward to those Christmas holidays with the family together..


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Pluto2 said:


> I know it hurts. I left a serial cheater, too. It took me far to long to admit what was going on, and yes, he maintained- once confronted-that I was the cause. Rubbish. Not being a perfect spouse means that you are a human being, but never does it justify cheating.
> Good luck with the attorney tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.


Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner. I know some people may not believe it but I was raised old fashion and I'm a one woman type of guy, I never cheated on her and only had eyes for her, I seriously thought we would be together forever I guess I was foolish to think like that. The hardest part for me is just falling asleep and waking up so lonely. I remember before leaving for work to not wake her up I would give her a light kiss on her forehead and she would smile..now it makes me think who she was thinking about, hmmm I guess I'm an old school romantic fool. I hope I get over this soon I'm trying to use all these thoughts to train my mind to see all those times she was playing me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It is very difficult to get over a cheating wife. It tears your mind up in so many ways. Makes one doubt themselves, doubt love, doubt people, doubt your faith, doubt everything.

But, you will make it through it. You are not perfect, but you didn't cause your wife to cheat. She chose all that. I think you should force yourself to start a project to get your mind off this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

jld said:


> I think it is nice he never remarried. It shows his commitment to his children. I am sure his devotion made you feel valued and helped with remaining grounded after the unfortunate loss of your mother.


Looks like it may have had a role in his codependence.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner. I know some people may not believe it but I was raised old fashion and I'm a one woman type of guy, I never cheated on her and only had eyes for her, I seriously thought we would be together forever I guess I was foolish to think like that. The hardest part for me is just falling asleep and waking up so lonely. I remember before leaving for work to not wake her up I would give her a light kiss on her forehead and she would smile..now it makes me think who she was thinking about, hmmm I guess I'm an old school romantic fool. I hope I get over this soon I'm trying to use all these thoughts to train my mind to see all those times she was playing me.


To see through other people, you must first realistically see yourself.

That takes work - reading, therapy, posting, etc.

I keep reading how you wanted your relationship to be like a movie. They rarely turn out that way. Maintaining attraction involves charting your own course - not surrendering your life because a disordered person doesn't want you to shine "too much".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> Looks like it may have had a role in his codependence.


I think it has a role in his devotion to his children.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner.


This couldn't be more wrongheaded.

Take note of those "faults". Realize you have your own. If you love them IN SPITE of those faults, then you've got something.

If you're constantly under the gun to say and do things you're not ok with doing, it's a combustible formula doomed for failure.

Nobody admires a phony - not even a disordered person.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner. I know some people may not believe it but I was raised old fashion and I'm a one woman type of guy, I never cheated on her and only had eyes for her, I seriously thought we would be together forever I guess I was foolish to think like that. The hardest part for me is just falling asleep and waking up so lonely. I remember before leaving for work to not wake her up I would give her a light kiss on her forehead and she would smile..now it makes me think who she was thinking about, hmmm I guess I'm an old school romantic fool. I hope I get over this soon I'm trying to use all these thoughts to train my mind to see all those times she was playing me.
> ...


I see your point of view. Makes a lot of sense, I have seen marriages work my father and mothers for one and others I've seen ,so.I know there not impossible, its just takes the right minded people , that work hard towards there relationship and support each other and don't play their mind games with the other partner . I just hope one day I find the right women


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Tomas said:


> Yeah I know, I guess when you truly love someone you never see their faults as a partner.


Look at this another way: When you truly love someone, you see their faults. You know who they are, what are their strengths and weaknesses. I don't believe in blind love (at least not anymore) I can forgive all kinds of faults and weaknesses in a relationship, but I have to know what those faults and weaknesses actually are, and make the decision to forgive them.

And didn't you say you were 31? Old? puleeze! I have decades on you! Your life is far from over.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

jld said:


> ReturntoZero said:
> 
> 
> > Looks like it may have had a role in his codependence.
> ...


You hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel, I feel like I have failed my daughter's even though the oldest one tells me not to worry that were a team and she's happy all she says is she wants me to not be sad and just keep having fun like we always do. Its just the little 4 yr old that worry's me ,even though she doesn't really cry for her mother. I just hate seeing our family apart and going through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tomas said:


> I see your point of view. Makes a lot of sense, I have seen marriages work my father and mothers for one and others I've seen ,so.I know there not impossible, its just takes the right minded people , that work hard towards there relationship and support each other and don't play their mind games with the other partner . I just hope one day I find the right women


There's a great book called Getting The Love You Want; its first half talks about why you pick the mate you pick. So you don't make the same mistake twice.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Tomas said:


> I see your point of view. Makes a lot of sense, I have seen marriages work my father and mothers for one and others I've seen ,so.I know there not impossible, its just takes the right minded people , that work hard towards there relationship and support each other and don't play their mind games with the other partner . I just hope one day I find the right women


That is the thing, there is no passing grade with a marriage. Despite what many on here protest, you cannot do so well at marriage that you can make it work.

I can look back on my marriage and see errors, but mainly I can now see errors I made in previous relationships. I look back on my own marriage and see that circumstances brought her issues to the surface and I could not have done much better (even leaving reasonably financially intact was not easy). I see people in marriages where they make huge big mistakes over and over again, but they stay reasonably contentedly married as the person they are with has their back and cares for them.

All marriages will have some issues and all marriage partners will have some flaws. Being in a successful marriage is not that impressive, many crap people manage it. Being in a failed marriage is no shame, many of the people I most admire are divorced. 

Pretty much no-one will come on TAM and be told they are doing everything right. For all the things that are being called out on here, you have as much right to be proud of the good things you did in your marriage as anyone else.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Look at this another way: When you truly love someone, you see their faults. You know who they are, what are their strengths and weaknesses. I don't believe in blind love (at least not anymore) I can forgive all kinds of faults and weaknesses in a relationship, but I have to know what those faults and weaknesses actually are, and make the decision to forgive them.
> 
> And didn't you say you were 31? Old? puleeze! I have decades on you! Your life is far from over.


31?

Basically still a baby. Plenty of time and chances to get it right.

Sadly, it's often the person who cares the least in a relationship who has the power, as the other person wants to keep the relationship together "more" than they.

Broken and disordered people abuse that power - well beyond the normal boundary-pushing one might expect.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> I'm really sorry to hear about your mother I know how hard it must be to not be able to see her and talk to her Im sure you miss her terribly. She is definitely in a better place ,just take comfort in knowing that you guys will be united again one day. I still hurts not having my mother ,I remember growing up in school was hard for me specially on mothers day when everyone was celebrating and I had no one.coming home from school was also pretty sad as I had no one to talk to or share stories about how my day went. My father was working and would be home late, he did he's best providing for me.
> So a little bit more about myself I'm a kid at heart there's nothing that I enjoy more than just getting lost in the moment with my girls whether its watching cartoons with them( which I love to do) or just going out in the backyard and playing, showing them to just let there imagination run wild. I myself get lost in those moments. My daughter sometimes ask me and it makes me smile " daddy how do you have such a big imagination and are so fun". One thing that I look forward to is school field trips my daughter says everytime there's a trip and ask for volunteers her friends always say pick her dad her dad is fun! I received the best volunteer award by the principal this year!
> Needless to say that you know who killed it for me by saying all those times I went I never got anything and all you care about is you girls and not me.I don't even find what you do is funny, huh I guess i t got to a point that I learned to block her comments out or just got use to the pain. I just love kids, I find it that there truthful and easy to get along with. I just always dreamed about having a big family, always wanted 4/5 kids and just always looked forward to those Christmas holidays with the family together..


Yes, we will NEVER stop missing our parents...I especially miss mom. 

Congratulations on the award! Believe me, it's a competitive award. Lots of great parents out there. In my school, we always have a hard time giving it to just one parent.

You are enjoying your girls, wait til time passes, that is when you are going to get your 5 kids! Your grand babies! Your family will double then for sure!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So today is the big day I'm going to see my attorney in a couple hours and file. I don't know why but I woke up today feeling so depressed and somewhat scared, having a couple anxiety attacks. I feel like my world is coming down on me. I feel like I'm not gonna make it through the day, for some reason I can't stop crying, I feel like a failure


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

To top it off today is the day my stbxw comes to see the girls , every time I see her I feel worse, especially since she acts like nothing wrong


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tomas said:


> That's exactly how I feel, I feel like I have failed my daughter's even though the oldest one tells me not to worry


Classic example of codependency.

Sounds like your oldest one is pretty aware for her age.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You didn't fail at anything. You are a loving, sensitive father who wants the best for his kids. No one will ever call that a failure.

Ending a marriage should hurt. It should rip you to pieces, because if it doesn't its hard to say it ever meant anything in the first place. When I divorced, I filled out the paperwork at the lawyer's office and they were arranging the service since the ex had already moved out of state. I checked on line to see when it happened and that first time I saw my divorce file on the court docket I just shriveled up and cried. We had a few delays in getting the uncontested order signed, and I sent the ex an email to tell him it was final (stupid-I should have let him find out in the mail, but that's a former co-dependent for you). His reply was "MEH" I had to ask the kids what that meant. After they told me I became really angry. How dare he MEH a 28 year marriage!

You think you are failing because right now, you believe you are completely responsible for the world. You're not. You are responsible for you, and your kids. You are not responsible for your STBX's conduct, or behavior. That is her burden to carry. Let her.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Ok, so i got up feeling like crap again emotionally tore up about everything and honestly im tired of it. Im tired of thinking about her, im tired of missing her. Why cant i just let go of her? I have accepted that this is for the best she will never love me or never has as she said. I know shes not worth it. I have not spoken to her in a month or texted her or any communication with her whatsoever, just the times i have to see her for a minute when she picks up the girls for a couple hrs. I was doing fine a couple weeks ago . but this week i feel like im back at square one on how i felt when she first left. I no longer dream of her like i did for the first 2 months but i just feel so broken. What i can i do to get over this situation faster i hate feeling this way. Sometimes i feel like im going to have a heart attack. Im going to start working out lifting waits go for that six pack i always wanted... Maybe change my look completely, different clothes, hair style? I just feel like getting rid of everything i have. Furniture, cars,maybe moving out and getting a different place. I just wake up and this past week ive just been feeling this way. Like i need to start over get a different place for me and my girls im just tired of everything i cant stand to be in the same place, look at the same things! Would this be a good idea i just feel so trapped, like i dont know who i am anymore. She broke me completely put my self esteem through the ground. Should i maybe do some causual dating... Not that i have the confidence for it ..she did a good job of making me feel worthless and unattractive. Thats why i just want to start over im tired of feeling this way.im tired of being the nice guy and always getting screwed everytime.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So DO it! What's stopping you?? Purge the b!tch from your life.

Why are you not SEVERELY pissed at her?

And no, do NOT date!! DO NOT. Before you ever date again you need some heavy duty counseling to avoid becoming this puddle of misery ever ever again.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> So DO it! What's stopping you?? Purge the b!tch from your life.
> 
> Why are you not SEVERELY pissed at her?
> 
> And no, do NOT date!! DO NOT. Before you ever date again you need some heavy duty counseling to avoid becoming this puddle of misery ever ever again.


I read on some of the threads and some offered that advice that doing some casual dating and some fooling around will help detach faster . thats the only reason i was asking about that part. Man, i was seriously giving it some thought shes the only woman ive been with for 11yrs


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't DATE then. Hook up just for sex if you must. DO NOT get into another relationship.

The whole jumping right into another relationship thing only works for seriously alpha guys, which you aren't, dude.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> So DO it! What's stopping you?? Purge the b!tch from your life.
> 
> Why are you not SEVERELY pissed at her?
> 
> And no, do NOT date!! DO NOT. Before you ever date again you need some heavy duty counseling to avoid becoming this puddle of misery ever ever again.


Ohh and believe me i am pissed as hell, thats why im trying to harness that hate inside of me. Its hard because im not a hatefull person and well as much as i hate to admitt it still love her. Thats why im looking for ways to detach from her and the no communication is not working


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ETA - posted at the same time as you

You certainly do not seem pissed off in the least.

When I kicked my husband out for cheating, I rearranged my bedroom. Would have done the whole house if I'd had the money to.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> ETA - posted at the same time as you
> 
> You certainly do not seem pissed off in the least.
> 
> When I kicked my husband out for cheating, I rearranged my bedroom. Would have done the whole house if I'd had the money to.


I dont show her i care for her anymore. I cant stand to see her anymore thinking about her and the other man makes my blood boil . i remeber the last time i talked to her i told her . dont talk to me or call me if it has nothing to do with our daughters and the last time she got close to me and trired having a conversation with me i told her to f**k off but in a nicer way


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> ETA - posted at the same time as you
> 
> You certainly do not seem pissed off in the least.
> 
> When I kicked my husband out for cheating, I rearranged my bedroom. Would have done the whole house if I'd had the money to.


Thats why im looking for a new place for me and my girls. I have already gotten rid of all the things she ever gave me and i mean everything. She left a few items behind i loaded everything in her small suv she has in the back. Im just getting rid of everthing. I need to find myself again i know when she met me i wasnt this weak ,pathetic person she now sees me as and thank you for your comment about not beign the alpha i needed to hear that at somepoint i was she saw me as a strong person i lost that at some point. Now i know what i want and need and i will find myself again. She will not have the last laugh!


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

the best revenge is to move on and become the kind of guy that any woman would kill to have.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

How did the consultation go?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

It went good. He told me i have a chance at getting custody of my girls since her mother left and is commiting fraud with the food stamps. I have a meeting with him tomorrow. To file for divorce and also file for custody of the girls. I just hope i get custody of them as i live in a no fault state and women always have the upper hand


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Jasel said:


> How did the consultation go?


.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Thanks for the words of wisdom , I do ask myself that question on why I put up with it for 10years and I always get the same answer I love her or at least the image I had of her, even though she is no longer the same person. I stayed because I never wanted my girls to go thru the pain of divorce. I lost my mother at the age of 12 to cancer and it was really hard to not have both parents, I always imagined growing old together and having a happy family. I guess that's what gets me down the most I feel like I failed my girls and seeing them sad and crying some days just breaks me down and to top it off she don't care about her daughters feelings all she would say is they'll be OK they'll get over it . when they see me happy they'll be happy. I got over it when I was little and it didn't affect me one bit. This guy doesn't even seem worth it to be honest, he probably just tells her what she wants to hear, maybe its the fact that he might be better looking than me. Its just gotten to the point where my self esteem is really low.



Just have to put in my two cents. I lived through something similar to this a few years ago, feel free to read my previous posts. I too was left by the person I loved more than anything in the world (at that time), I felt like a tornado whipped through my life and destroyed everything I cared about. My partner turned into an enemy and I was helpless to stop any of it. Much of what you write, tells my story as well. I was with mine for ten years too and like your wife, mine became a completely different person also. And like you, I considered that marriage to be forever and believed we would grow old together. The loss of this dream was unbearably heartbreaking for me when I went through it.

Unlike you, I did not have children with this person. I can only imagine how much harder that makes this situation; on the other hand, having your daughters to focus on might actually help you move forward. 

I've moved on with my life and am remarried now. My new W and I have our share of problems but we are moving forward and things now are very good, even when things with my new W were rocky they still were better than before, because I found my voice and will not let myself be pushed around and used again. We live and we learn and we do better next time. This pain will ease, and you will find someone better for yourself and your children. 

All the best to you and your girls. They are lucky to have you.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

As some suggested, you can hook up or just go out when you have the need for some company.

Your panic attacks can be fixed with anti-anxiety meds. Visit your doctor and let him know what you are going through. He will know exactly what to prescribe. Many of us going through what you are dealing with needed meds to take the edge off and function a bit better. It's temporary. Once your world is more normal, you will not need meds to cope.

Seek help from an IC as well. I know you said you can't afford it, so you probably need to get a hold of some good books. @turnera has given a few great titles.

Your emotions are normal regardless of how $hitty they make you feel. You gotta go through this; sadly, there are no short cuts


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Nix said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for the words of wisdom , I do ask myself that question on why I put up with it for 10years and I always get the same answer I love her or at least the image I had of her, even though she is no longer the same person. I stayed because I never wanted my girls to go thru the pain of divorce. I lost my mother at the age of 12 to cancer and it was really hard to not have both parents, I always imagined growing old together and having a happy family. I guess that's what gets me down the most I feel like I failed my girls and seeing them sad and crying some days just breaks me down and to top it off she don't care about her daughters feelings all she would say is they'll be OK they'll get over it . when they see me happy they'll be happy. I got over it when I was little and it didn't affect me one bit. This guy doesn't even seem worth it to be honest, he probably just tells her what she wants to hear, maybe its the fact that he might be better looking than me. Its just gotten to the point where my self esteem is really low.
> ...


Thanks for your comments it gives me hope and hopefully one day i will meet that wonderful woman. I do feel lucky to have my girls but i live in constant fear that my girls will be taken from me as courts are blind and tend to favor the mother. I also fear her taking them to live with her new lover i mean i doubt this guys as good as she says if he was honest he would. Of never got involved with a married woman i dont know what type of person he is . i hope that when i divorce her and if i get custody that this guy will leave her when he finds out hes going to be responsible for her now, i wonder if they'll actually be able to trust each other knowing what there doing... I think you probably had it easier with no kids as i hate having them go through this. It would of been much easier for me without kids, because. Theres nothing to tie you together.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I've never been through what you are going through, Tomas, but I have been through heart breaks before after LTRs. I learned to compartmentalize my thoughts. I would keep my mind occupied on other things as much as possible, and when I felt the pain I would get extremely busy with something that would take my mind elsewhere. I also learned, with practice, to set aside a time each day (sometimes 5 minutes, sometimes up to 20 minutes) where I would actually allow myself to wallow in self-pity, and cry, pray, or even take out some frustration on an inanimate object (LOL!). That's how I learned to control my emotions better, because I used to be (and still am to some degree) a volatile and emotional person.

It will take a while, believe me, but you WILL get through this. Don't let the good memories of her outweigh the bad in your thoughts. Changing your environment is a good idea, and will likely speed up the process, but you will need to compartmentalize your thoughts and emotions. Anytime a "good" memory about her invades your thoughts, replace it with a "bad" memory. It's hard to do but can be done. It worked for me. 

You idealized what your marriage would be, but you just married the WRONG person. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the pain go away for you quicker. It's going to take some time for sure, but it will get easier, and eventually will make you think "Why did I put up with this woman and her crap for that long? I should've ended that marriage much earlier."

Getting out of the house and meeting other people is always a good idea. I don't think you are ready for dating yet. Having a friend with benefits can be helpful for sure, only IF you can control your emotions enough to not fall in love. Falling in love with somebody right now would DEFINITELY not be the thing to do because it would be unfair to you and her in the long term.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So yesterday i finally filed for divorce and today i have another meeting with my lawyer to file for custody of my girls. But why dont i feel good about it, i woke up feeling down and worse than ever, im going to be honest theirs days where i feel ok and motivated but theres days like today that i cant see the light


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Tomas said:


> So yesterday i finally filed for divorce and today i have another meeting with my lawyer to file for custody of my girls. But why dont i feel good about it, i woke up feeling down and worse than ever, im going to be honest theirs days where i feel ok and motivated but theres days like today that i cant see the light


You aren't happy about it because justified or not, you are still closing the doors on a chapter of your life that I'm sure includes some of the happiest moments of your memory. Not to mention that this is also closing the doors on a great many years of your life. its like spending Years restoring an old classic car and then selling it. you look at it and realize the bond because of the time and energy you put into it and you realize that it was all for not.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tomas, you showed strength. Keep it up. It will never feel good-- anything about this whole deal. But YOU are doing the right thing and YOU will feel better. It takes time. Zoloft. You should get it. Please. It helped me. I didn't stay on it but about two months or less. Highly recommend it.
Kudos on the filing. Best for all involved. Really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Tomas said:


> So yesterday i finally filed for divorce and today i have another meeting with my lawyer to file for custody of my girls. But why dont i feel good about it, i woke up feeling down and worse than ever, im going to be honest theirs days where i feel ok and motivated but theres days like today that i cant see the light


Hang in there man. It's a long and rough road. Just keep your head up, focus on your kids and your life, and keep motoring forward. Make sure to eat well, sleep, get lots of exercise and spend as much time with the kids as you can.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > So yesterday i finally filed for divorce and today i have another meeting with my lawyer to file for custody of my girls. But why dont i feel good about it, i woke up feeling down and worse than ever, im going to be honest theirs days where i feel ok and motivated but theres days like today that i cant see the light
> ...


Thanks man i have started lifiting weights and running for these past few days but i have to admit its hard to find the energy and motivation. My motivation is like a rollercoaster it has its ups and downs. I guess the biggest downer for me is that she's happy and careless about everything . she doesnt have any responsibility with her girls and shows no remorse and seems to care more about her new man then her own girls. Im going to get in shape to see if i can get my self esteem up as at the moment i feel like i have none she made me feel so unattractive and its making it hard to think any other woman would actually be interested in me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cheating wives ALL act carefree (they are), they all ignore their kids, have zero loyalty to their family, ignore your pain, etc.

But, use this carefree attitude to your advantage while it lasts. When the bills start coming in, the dishes need washing, and the drier breaks and the car needs repairing--
OM will look like what he is and the shot will hit the fan. Then she will want 99% of what you have, and what you're ever gonna have. 

Believe me--- she will not be "carefree" forever. She's living in. Dream world. The real world will wake her up. She hasn't caught that rich guy that solves all her problems yet.

Take care of your kids. Work through the pain. It will well up on some days. The good days will get more frequent as time goes by. 

Her good days are coming to and end when you divorce and reality hits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So its done filed for custody of my girls and divorce. Never thought i would be in this situation


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tomas said:


> So its done filed for custody of my girls and divorce. Never thought i would be in this situation


If it's any consolation, most of us didn't either.

Life goes on Tomas, and life gets better too.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > So its done filed for custody of my girls and divorce. Never thought i would be in this situation
> ...


Yeah i guess its just scary . this has been hard handling everything by myself and not knowing what new challenges the world has for me, it sucks the mother doesn't even show much interest for our daughters, she rather spend time with her AP. It seems its easier for a single mother or wife thats messing around to find someone than a single father. I guess all i have left is to work on myself and hope to one day be lucky enough to find a woman that will accept me and my girls.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tomas said:


> Yeah i guess its just scary . this has been hard handling everything by myself and not knowing what new challenges the world has for me, it sucks the mother doesn't even show much interest for our daughters, she rather spend time with her AP. It seems its easier for a single mother or wife thats messing around to find someone than a single father. I guess all i have left is to work on myself and hope to one day be lucky enough to find a woman that will accept me and my girls.


You are going to do great. You are going to meet a very nice woman, one who will love your daughters. And your ex will eventually get out of the fog and renew her relationship with her girls.

Believe in yourself, Tomas, and believe in the future. It is going to be good, because you are good.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So i havent had contact with the stbxw for over a month,however every tuesday when she comes to pick up the girls for a few hrs. i see her and i fall apart, i dont talk to her and only see her when i answer the door, do you think my trying to avoid her is making it harder to let go. Is my mind playing tricks on me , when i dont see her during the week for the most part im good. Should i try to engage in small talk to see how it feels .she has tried to do it but i totally give her the f -off attitude. What should i do?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> So i havent had contact with the stbxw for over a month,however every tuesday when she comes to pick up the girls for a few hrs. i see her and i fall apart, i dont talk to her and only see her when i answer the door, do you think my trying to avoid her is making it harder to let go. Is my mind playing tricks on me , when i dont see her during the week for the most part im good. Should i try to engage in small talk to see how it feels .she has tried to do it but i totally give her the f -off attitude. What should i do?


Keep giving her the f-off attitude.

Business only with her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You gave 110% and she picked apart everything. It is NOT up to you to pacify and please her. That is how she lost attraction to you. I collect baseball cards.... childish huh? My XW thought that. Until I bought a set, 1968 Topps, for $900, sold it two weeks later for $2000 and used the $ for a vacation. Then she liked it LOL. Now if I bought a "keeper" set for... $1500, she got mad..... $ wasn't spent on her. Cry me a Fing river. 

You need to re-connect with the old YOU. If you like working on cars.... and $ is tight.... heck get an old AMC car.... tinker with it. Your own hobbies should NEVER seek approval from others. I love to hike (I live in a rural area) to ghost towns, old settlements, grist mills.... read about the culture from a century ago. I'm not asking any female to also like it but.... respect the fact I do.

You have lost yourself, who you were through the years. There is a strong chance she saw you more for security than love. You put her on a pedestal and she loved it.... until she lost respect for you. This POSOM most likely treats her like crap..... she wouldn't want another KISA / Nice Guy. After he is done with her.... yeah..... take a guess. 

I did not read every post so if this has been asked and answered before, my apologies.... What was her childhood like? Relationship with her parents / siblings? What was her previous dating history before you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tomas said:


> So i havent had contact with the stbxw for over a month,however every tuesday when she comes to pick up the girls for a few hrs. i see her and i fall apart, i dont talk to her and only see her when i answer the door, do you think my trying to avoid her is making it harder to let go. Is my mind playing tricks on me , when i dont see her during the week for the most part im good. Should i try to engage in small talk to see how it feels .she has tried to do it but i totally give her the f -off attitude. What should i do?


Under no circumstances talk to her. That will really screw you up for days. Whatever you do, don't do it. She likes to know the leash is still tight. Don't let her know it still is. 
You will be terribly hurt if you talk to her. I beg you not to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Know why grandmothers were golden?

Actions speak louder than words.
A watched pot never boils.
Silence is golden.
Schit or get off the pot.
What if...... is borrowing trouble.

Never made it past 5th grade. Smartest woman I ever knew.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> You gave 110% and she picked apart everything. It is NOT up to you to pacify and please her. That is how she lost attraction to you. I collect baseball cards.... childish huh? My XW thought that. Until I bought a set, 1968 Topps, for $900, sold it two weeks later for $2000 and used the $ for a vacation. Then she liked it LOL. Now if I bought a "keeper" set for... $1500, she got mad..... $ wasn't spent on her. Cry me a Fing river.
> 
> You need to re-connect with the old YOU. If you like working on cars.... and $ is tight.... heck get an old AMC car.... tinker with it. Your own hobbies should NEVER seek approval from others. I love to hike (I live in a rural area) to ghost towns, old settlements, grist mills.... read about the culture from a century ago. I'm not asking any female to also like it but.... respect the fact I do.
> 
> ...


Her mother and father seperated when she was little, her mother walked out on them and her dad always put other women before her and her sisters at least thats what she told me. As for the other man she says hes better than me in every way even though all he knows how to do is work at a department store, she never saw value in any of the things i did or know how to do. She says he motivates her, helps her at work and is very caring and makes her laugh all the time and makes her feel good and is really attracted to him basically telling me im ugly as hell. Even though i did everthing for her i was the one always keeping up with the house , taking care of the girls and did as much as i could to make her happy , while she would sleep in all day . i get your point though i think i did value her too much and she took it for granted and lost respect for me. I have forgien her in the past ot seems like everytime she gets a new job its the same crap. It just hard to believe she could care so little about her daughters.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > So i havent had contact with the stbxw for over a month,however every tuesday when she comes to pick up the girls for a few hrs. i see her and i fall apart, i dont talk to her and only see her when i answer the door, do you think my trying to avoid her is making it harder to let go. Is my mind playing tricks on me , when i dont see her during the week for the most part im good. Should i try to engage in small talk to see how it feels .she has tried to do it but i totally give her the f -off attitude. What should i do?
> ...


I though so i will continue going dark on her and stick with the 180. Im just looking for ways to improve my self esteem and things that will help get over her faster. I know i deserve better than her 10 yrs going through this crap is not easy


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Daughters with daddy issues..... she never had a male figure around to model the type of man 

she should seek out as a H. This alone.... damaged her psyche. She liked bad boys..... 

Maybe she saw you as one. I was when my XW met me (she was seven years older than I).

I went from closing bars as 3AM, drag racing to seeking a PhD and writing novels. But I never lost

the bad boy image. To her.... if I didn't show it, she never saw it. When she told me she wanted us 

to stay M but do our own thing.... it took a few weeks but she saw that bad boy return.

All she had to do was come to me about the problems in the M (from her viewpoint).... she expected 

me to read her mind (lol) and knew she could read mine (LOL).

FF two months later and she was chasing me..... but I don't drag schit out, I was done. D final.... I moved on.

XW has tried reaches numerous times after the D. I find them comical... just like the reasons she

gave me on DDay for leaving. I shoved in her face the exact things she threw at me on DDay. 

Dude... even before the D was filed, my STBXW had dating profiles up, even Christian Mingle LMAO

She sought exactly what I was.... funny isn't it! 

As for your STBXW.... she criticizes you to help her "re-write history." She's GOT to justify WITF

she left. "Great man, great father, did everything for me but I left him" That doesn't compute

in a woman's brain. So she alters history. YOU have to be your own man.

My own mother.... didn't have enough faith in me to make it in grad school. Chucky used that as motivation.

Graduated 3.96 GPA....my grade cards sent to her house (college rules EVEN though I was in early 30s, M).

I didn't say a word until after I graduated and obtained a job in my field. But..... TBH I seriously doubt

my W did either. All the motivation I needed. When I walked up to get my masters.... it was for ME....

no one else. Your W is choosing a department store BSer over her children. A Jerry Springer wanna be...

She is an unfit mother. That is about the worst thing you could call a woman with character.

A byotch is bad... but an unfit mother.... that strips every thing from a mother.

Take care of your kids..... your STBXW... F her.... here's your fantasy, just sign these papers as you go.

She will come out of the fog..... but YOU need to have D her and secured AT LEAST 50 / 50 custody.

If you can get more, GET IT. I have seen 100 other guys in your shoes on here.

Almost every single one.... went through it and came out better. What about the others? 

Oh... they went back to their Ws and are repeating the misery 10fold.

"Why is a D so expensive..... it's worth it" Tom Leykis


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Daughters with daddy issues..... she never had a male figure around to model the type of man
> 
> she should seek out as a H. This alone.... damaged her psyche. She liked bad boys.....
> 
> ...


You know what i never thought about the bad boy thing and how much i changed . when i met her i was so different i was in shape , dressed good,was into the whole drag racing, working on cars with my buddies and partying friday thru sunday. I had girls chasing me when i met her even my bf which was also her bf. I never dated my bf, i always told her i would rather have her as a bf because i didn't want to hurt her and until this day i still talk to her shes helping me get through this. i was almost 20 and was making a little over $1000 a week . You made me realize where i started to loose myself, that was when my first daughter was born, i slowly started to do all the things i did as i was just interested in spending time with my daughter and her. I went from bad boy to super dad and family first. My appearence changed and now i see it. 

But the part i dont get is if i did everything from spending a lot of time with my girls to doing all the house cleaning to even cooking a few times during the week and her saying your a great father but a lousy husband? Wtf??? And she left because this guy is supossibly better , more caring, romantic, motivates her to be better and even lied he didnt work there anymore and had a better job, even through at me that the sex life was better. Could it be that she has been lieing and this OM is just a bad boy type? Huh i wonder what her response will be like when my image returns, im getting back in shape and going for a new look, new car even after the divorce is final. Im planing on picking upmy old hobbies and have even been getting my girls into cars I've been pulling the engine out of my suburban theses past days to take to the shop to get rebuilt. Your righti did loose myself completely.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

And if you get the old you back, and she notices? Do you want a woman who was so quick to leave you and her own children? 

You know what that tells me about her? It tells me she doesn't love the human being you are, only the outside coating. You were always the person who loved his family and took care of your kids.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Pluto2 said:


> And if you get the old you back, and she notices? Do you want a woman who was so quick to leave you and her own children?
> 
> You know what that tells me about her? It tells me she doesn't love the human being you are, only the outside coating. You were always the person who loved his family and took care of your kids.


I see your point.. I'm going to get the old me back for me and not for her , minus the partying.. Lol! I rather spend time with my girls they also enjoy nature walks , starting to enjoy cars, we play a little game when were driving and they spot a car and guess what type of car it is . they suprise me mist of the time they get it right  we love amusement parks, there mother never enjoyed them much. However i cant wait to get in shape , try a fresh new look , would be nice to have the ladies check me out it would greatly improve my self esteem and well to be honest it would be great feeling to have the stbxw trying to reach out to me. Dont worry i wouldn't take her back , shes cheated enough times, said all the hurtful things that are now etched in my mind, and its like you said she'll probably like what shes going to see but not my personality she made it clear i cant make her happy like the OM.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Tomas said:


> You know what i never thought about the bad boy thing and how much i changed . when i met her i was so different i was in shape , dressed good,was into the whole drag racing, working on cars with my buddies and partying friday thru sunday. I had girls chasing me when i met her even my bf which was also her bf. I never dated my bf, i always told her i would rather have her as a bf because i didn't want to hurt her and until this day i still talk to her shes helping me get through this. i was almost 20 and was making a little over $1000 a week . You made me realize where i started to loose myself, that was when my first daughter was born, i slowly started to do all the things i did as i was just interested in spending time with my daughter and her. I went from bad boy to super dad and family first. My appearence changed and now i see it.
> 
> But the part i dont get is if i did everything from spending a lot of time with my girls to doing all the house cleaning to even cooking a few times during the week and her saying your a great father but a lousy husband? Wtf??? And she left because this guy is supossibly better , more caring, romantic, motivates her to be better and even lied he didnt work there anymore and had a better job, even through at me that the sex life was better. Could it be that she has been lieing and this OM is just a bad boy type? Huh i wonder what her response will be like when my image returns, im getting back in shape and going for a new look, new car even after the divorce is final. Im planing on picking upmy old hobbies and have even been getting my girls into cars I've been pulling the engine out of my suburban theses past days to take to the shop to get rebuilt. Your righti did loose myself completely.


You have it backwards.

She wants to leave you for another man and to still have you take the burden of childcare. To justify this in her head, you must be:
- A great Father, so that a great Mother like her will grant you time with the kids.
- A lousy husband, otherwise why would she a devoted and selfless wife leave otherwise.

You must have heard men say their spouse was living in a fantasy world? Sometimes they are just douches, but sometimes it is true.

The advice you have had is good. Take advantage of this time, work quickly with your lawyer. She will want out quickly while she believes that this other man is going to be perfect. If you think it is hard now, wait until she finds the grass is not as green as she thought. At that point, she will decide that you betrayed her, she needs to protect her kids from you and that you were trying to swindle her of her money that you earned.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Tomas said:


> I see your point.. I'm going to get the old me back for me and not for her , minus the partying.. Lol! I rather spend time with my girls they also enjoy nature walks , starting to enjoy cars, we play a little game when were driving and they spot a car and guess what type of car it is . they suprise me mist of the time they get it right  we love amusement parks, there mother never enjoyed them much. However i cant wait to get in shape , try a fresh new look , would be nice to have the ladies check me out it would greatly improve my self esteem and well to be honest it would be great feeling to have the stbxw trying to reach out to me. Dont worry i wouldn't take her back , shes cheated enough times, said all the hurtful things that are now etched in my mind, and its like you said she'll probably like what shes going to see but not my personality she made it clear i cant make her happy like the OM.


I am starting to get back in shape now. Really good shape, as in as good as when I was playing rugby regularly. Dipping under 15% body fat and overweight on BMI due to muscle. It takes time and a lot of effort, but feels great.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > You know what i never thought about the bad boy thing and how much i changed . when i met her i was so different i was in shape , dressed good,was into the whole drag racing, working on cars with my buddies and partying friday thru sunday. I had girls chasing me when i met her even my bf which was also her bf. I never dated my bf, i always told her i would rather have her as a bf because i didn't want to hurt her and until this day i still talk to her shes helping me get through this. i was almost 20 and was making a little over $1000 a week . You made me realize where i started to loose myself, that was when my first daughter was born, i slowly started to do all the things i did as i was just interested in spending time with my daughter and her. I went from bad boy to super dad and family first. My appearence changed and now i see it.
> ...


I already filed for divorce nd child custody. I wonder how she'll handle it, im certain she'll be trilled about the divorce papers thats what she wants always talks about it. As for the other guy he seems like a looser i dont think he has anything going for him. Cant wait to get in shape and move up, everyone says she'll regret it as this guy is just playing her and it probably wont last. Funny thing is i think this guy doesnt let her come over much because im there i guess hes jealous type and she seems like she could care less about her girls it just seems she comes just once a week to keep her friends from talking about her


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hopefully that'll work in your favor. Do it quick before she wakes up.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Hopefully that'll work in your favor. Do it quick before she wakes up.


I hope so shes till deep in her fog ... My lawer says i got a lot thats going to help me keep my girls


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I see your point.. I'm going to get the old me back for me and not for her , minus the partying.. Lol! I rather spend time with my girls they also enjoy nature walks , starting to enjoy cars, we play a little game when were driving and they spot a car and guess what type of car it is . they suprise me mist of the time they get it right
> ...


Thats great, i hope i can get there again im really looking forward to it.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Tomas said:


> So i havent had contact with the stbxw for over a month,however every tuesday when she comes to pick up the girls for a few hrs. i see her and i fall apart, i dont talk to her and only see her when i answer the door, do you think my trying to avoid her is making it harder to let go. Is my mind playing tricks on me , when i dont see her during the week for the most part im good. Should i try to engage in small talk to see how it feels .she has tried to do it but i totally give her the f -off attitude. What should i do?


maybe have your soon to be xwife pick the girls up at your dads or her parents house so you don't have to be there.

or hire a baby setter for the pick ups so you do not have to be there.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Tomas said:


> I already filed for divorce nd child custody. I wonder how she'll handle it, im certain she'll be trilled about the divorce papers thats what she wants always talks about it. As for the other guy he seems like a looser i dont think he has anything going for him. Cant wait to get in shape and move up, everyone says she'll regret it as this guy is just playing her and it probably wont last. Funny thing is i think this guy doesnt let her come over much because im there i guess hes jealous type and she seems like she could care less about her girls it just seems she comes just once a week to keep her friends from talking about her


You are doing great. I had a **** marriage and after I pulled the trigger (like a crumbling mess), my lawyer told me I was more tougher about it than most men. You are doing well.

You will not be able to stop yourself wondering how she will handle it, but remind yourself as best you can, that is not your business. Instead, focus on your girls and yourself.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I think it is shameful that in this country a dedicated father like you has to worry about losing custody to a woman that ABANDONED her children and family, whereas it would be a slam dunk for a woman in that situation to get full custody. 

Tomas, I would advise you to keep remembering your daughters and how much to need to fight for them. When you get depressed and maudlin over your soon-to-be ex-wife, just remember what a threat she will be to your relationship with your daughters; that she is likely to use the custody threat against you in the divorce. you need to get inspired to fight this as the battle it really is.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I already filed for divorce nd child custody. I wonder how she'll handle it, im certain she'll be trilled about the divorce papers thats what she wants always talks about it. As for the other guy he seems like a looser i dont think he has anything going for him. Cant wait to get in shape and move up, everyone says she'll regret it as this guy is just playing her and it probably wont last. Funny thing is i think this guy doesnt let her come over much because im there i guess hes jealous type and she seems like she could care less about her girls it just seems she comes just once a week to keep her friends from talking about her
> ...


The thing is these type of situations are hard they make you doubt yourself and wonder if the whole relationship was a lie as they make it seem that way no matter how hard you tried to make it work and gave your best. I often think if it was me that caused this or just her. Will she act the same way towards this guy in the future , why didn't she act this way in our relationship , I mean she's totally different with this person almost if there putting on a show. I feel like their laying to each other. I think the part that's still hurting the most is the day she told me don't touch me , I can't do that to him I don't want to hurt him. Those words run through my mind everyday, why couldn't she have been this loyal towards me?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> I think it is shameful that in this country a dedicated father like you has to worry about losing custody to a woman that ABANDONED her children and family, whereas it would be a slam dunk for a woman in that situation to get full custody.
> 
> Tomas, I would advise you to keep remembering your daughters and how much to need to fight for them. When you get depressed and maudlin over your soon-to-be ex-wife, just remember what a threat she will be to your relationship with your daughters; that she is likely to use the custody threat against you in the divorce. you need to get inspired to fight this as the battle it really is.


I'm prepared to do anything for them I know she's not a good mother, she doesn't even call them once during the week to check up on them she's too into her OM but that's OK I'm using it to my advantage like my lawyer says he thinks she doesn't stand a chance on getting custody. Especially since she doing fraud with government assistance to feed her and her bum boyfriend they can't even afford to feed each other. I think there fun times are going to come to an end soon my lawyer is going to throw everything at her


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Thanks for the words of wisdom , I do ask myself that question on why I put up with it for 10years and I always get the same answer I love her or at least the image I had of her, even though she is no longer the same person.


You loved YOUR idea of the marriage and the image and hoped she could live up to it. And you love an idealised version of her with the bad bits taken away .... don't we all.

Now you, like many of us, have to admit that it is past the point of healthiness to kept that imagine, that hope, in mind over the evidence that things aren't working that way.

You both want different things at this point in time and one of you is no longer waiting for things to "come around". And in your case you're not in her daily space, or sharing her as a direct interest, and she no longer values your objectives (should it ever arrive).

This is late to the piece but hopefully others can also see how it develops. 
Yes losing the hope and abandoning the dream you held for so long hurts. You've invested a lot of yourself into that dream. I will take a few years to go, but it will go. Hopefully you'll bump into someone else more aligned with your current interests because "caging" your old partner and making them be "obedient" to your plans really isn't (I hope!) part of your dream for the two of you.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

OP you have to just focus on yourself and your daughters. Your stbxw has shown herself not to be worthy of your love. The woman that you thought you had does not exist. Stop worry about her life and the OM. That is only making it worse. Document all of her crap and use it as evidence in your custody proceedings. She's not a good woman OP and you deserve a good woman. Get the divorce and don't look back.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> The thing is these type of situations are hard they make you doubt yourself and wonder if the whole relationship was a lie as they make it seem that way no matter how hard you tried to make it work and gave your best. I often think if it was me that caused this or just her. Will she act the same way towards this guy in the future , why didn't she act this way in our relationship , I mean she's totally different with this person almost if there putting on a show. I feel like their laying to each other. I think the part that's still hurting the most is the day she told me don't touch me , I can't do that to him I don't want to hurt him. Those words run through my mind everyday, why couldn't she have been this loyal towards me?


She likely was in the beginning. But, she's disordered, so she can't sustain it.

The temptation is to make this about you. Her behavior is about HER and not about you.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Stbxw just came over to pick up the girls its so dam hard seeing her i feel angry and at the same time sad. How should i act when i see her i break down everytime but i dont show her, im having trouble coping with the emotions. I feel like i need her, but i know i dont want her back , shes hurt me so much in every way possible.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Why is it that the one that's faithful and values family always the one that gets f***d and the other one acts like everything OK. This always happens good wife/bad husband, good husband bad wife, I mean do they lie in the beginning of the relationship on how they are and what they like?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Whenever she comes by, have your phone and out be talking to somebody - even if you have to fake it. You can just wave the kids on, wave her goodbye, without even having to say a word to her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Is there any one else who can be there for the child swaps? Mom, sister, brother, even a neighbor.

You are her anger dump... she wants to see you. She has all this anger inside her and yes...

she wants to dump it on you. While she dumps all this anger on you... she is feeling a "high"

Down the road... you can deal with all this, just not right now. If you feel you can't

deal with her anger right now.... don't.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> Is there any one else who can be there for the child swaps? Mom, sister, brother, even a neighbor.
> 
> You are her anger dump... she wants to see you. She has all this anger inside her and yes...
> 
> ...



She's an emotional vampire. She lives for your reaction.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

All i did was text her i need my girls back by 8:00pm as my lawyer told me to do ,as last week she brought them back past 1:00am on a school night. She then text me at 8:05 saying im on my way, she got here at 8:30 i was not home as i went to the store to get some stuff the girls needed. My sister then told me when she didn't see my truck she asked her where i was and where i had gone.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Document the times she is late. Have a copy for yourself, one for attorney.

She has a POSOM, wants a D.... but wants to keep tabs on you..... HMMMM.

As RTZ stated above.... emotional vampire. She feels she has the right to cheat. You have the 

right to sit at home and pine for her. When you don't... she gets angry, wants to dump it on you.

She wants to control you. Take back your control. That will drive her BSC. And it's her own fault.

A school bully will push you EVERY day.... until you push them back.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Document the times she is late. Have a copy for yourself, one for attorney.
> 
> She has a POSOM, wants a D.... but wants to keep tabs on you..... HMMMM.
> 
> ...


Kind of surprised me she asked where i was, huh i wonder what she was thinking. You guys are right she is an emotional vampire thats one of the b.s. reasons she left with OM i wasnt giving her enough attention.. Yeah right im now starting to see she was just looking for excuses, to justify her affair.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Kind of surprised me she asked where i was, huh i wonder what she was thinking. You guys are right she is an emotional vampire thats one of the b.s. reasons she left with OM i wasnt giving her enough attention.. Yeah right im now starting to see she was just looking for excuses, to justify her affair.


Starting to sink in huh! It's textbook... Been on TAM going on 4 years. If you start reading

other threads you will soon realize you are reading your own story. 

I still recommend ReGroup 's thread to everyone. Especially when kids are involved.

Long thread but well worth the read.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Kind of surprised me she asked where i was, huh i wonder what she was thinking. You guys are right she is an emotional vampire thats one of the b.s. reasons she left with OM i wasnt giving her enough attention.. Yeah right im now starting to see she was just looking for excuses, to justify her affair.


And, if you "were" giving her "enough" attention, she'd have taken up with posOM because she "needed space".

It's all about BS excuses. She's a cake eater.

Don't feed her.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Kind of surprised me she asked where i was, huh i wonder what she was thinking. You guys are right she is an emotional vampire thats one of the b.s. reasons she left with OM i wasnt giving her enough attention.. Yeah right im now starting to see she was just looking for excuses, to justify her affair.
> ...


Funny thing before she left thats exactly what she said she needed space and time to find herself..complete b.s. , then she finally admitted she was with OM. All these b.s. excuses she came out with, the thing that hurts most is the way they gotta put you down and make you question everything it drives you crazy. One thing i have been learning about her that i didnt see was that she is an emotional vampire, no matter how hard i tried or what i did it was never enough. She was always trying to get attention wether it was facebook or any social media or obsession with selfies.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

A while back she proposed the craziest crap at the time i didnt think about that much and she got away a few times with it. 
She still wanted to go out together with girls on the weekends,normal stuff family does church, lunch, go to the movies and have me pay for everthing. Until i told her no! She then said its just for the girls thats why im doing it... Man if it was for the girls you wouldn't be doing this in the first place. Im starting to see the b.s. she threw at me. I dont know whos stupider me or her for accepting it at the time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stay away from the "lets be friends BS"

No contact except texts/emails about the kids. Anything is would be for her. Why waste your time?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

TAM Dictionary

Plan B (noun) "Let's be friends"


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> TAM Dictionary
> 
> Plan B (noun) "Let's be friends"


So im still hurting and heres the thing i dont want to show her that and i know that if i show that im angry and giver her an attitude when i see her and she sees me angry than that shows her i still have feelings for her ...right?? Now my question is how do i act or what type of emotion am i suppose to show to piss her off or at least show her that im moving on and dont care what shes doing, even if its just for show..


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The emotion to show is indifference.

That's what I try to show mine--- it's not so hard now, lol. But it seems to get under their skin. These vampires need emotion, even if it's negative. They need to feel important. Mine was fishing heavy for it just this morning. Deny it.dont give them anything.
You will feel better. They won't. 
Eventually if you don't gaf long enough, they'll start wondering where their hold on you went and start wanting to be "friends" as said. They gotta make sure plan b is still there. Remove it by showing indifference. You won't see the effects for a while, but it makes them crazy like all their bs makes you crazy.
Indifference. Live it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Treat her just like another business transaction.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> So im still hurting and heres the thing i dont want to show her that and i know that if i show that im angry and giver her an attitude when i see her and she sees me angry than that shows her i still have feelings for her ...right?? Now my question is how do i act or what type of emotion am i suppose to show to piss her off or at least show her that im moving on and dont care what shes doing, even if its just for show..


She is acting like a spoiled child. Treat her as one.

Always remember.... negative attention is better than no attention.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I know that this my sound like I'm weak or pathetic but the hardest part of this is the way they leave you feeling, how they leave you mentally broken ,where they make you question your self ,whether your personality is the problem ,or are you really unattractive. .. Those are the words and images that I can't seem to let go of in my mind. I can handle the fact were no longer together, if I never saw her again I could care less. Its just the mental damage of my self image I'm having trouble getting over


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is what happens when you partner with a disordered person.

Pretty soon you start to believe their madness.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> This is what happens when you partner with a disordered person.
> 
> Pretty soon you start to believe their madness.


Yeah I know it's b.s. as I treated her right, its just they get to you all the negative things they say to justify there actions


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Yep..... my then STBXW was bringing up things I did 10-12 years ago.... LOL

Really! When I was more than happy to counter with things she did ... she didn't want to hear it.

LOL ..... arguing with a brick wall is useless. LET THEM GO!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What you are feeling is perfectly normal, her actions has created self doubt, but rest assure that the only reality that is that you are being the responsible parent, you are being a pillar of strength for your children, you are putting your needs behind the needs of your children, you are the keeping this family together less the thoughtless person who selfishness and hedonistic desire cause havoc in this family. No matter what those voices say at the end of the day, when you put those kids to bed, you can look in the mirror and be proud of what you see. But please hurry to file so that you can bring up abandonment issue against your wife in order to gain custody of the kids...that my friend is the responsible thing for them. they will need you more then ever.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

File!

File!

File!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

What advice can you guys give on ways to improve ones self esteem or appearance I don't want to seem like I'm bumming it every time I have to see her I want to show improvement ,not for her but for myself


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Tron said:


> File!
> 
> File!
> 
> File!


I did file and also filed for custody of my girls I'm just waiting for her to get served.


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## Help1107 (Dec 12, 2014)

Have you tried taking some St. John's Wort?? It did wonders for me when I was going through my husbands affair. It helped with mild depression and anxiety.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Help1107 said:


> Have you tried taking some St. John's Wort?? It did wonders for me when I was going through my husbands affair. It helped with mild depression and anxiety.


St. John's Wort.
That name should be given to Tomas's POSOM, remove the Saint.....replace it with Paint. Red Paint.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Help1107 said:


> Have you tried taking some St. John's Wort?? It did wonders for me when I was going through my husbands affair. It helped with mild depression and anxiety.


What's that and where do I find it?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Help1107 said:
> 
> 
> > Have you tried taking some St. John's Wort?? It did wonders for me when I was going through my husbands affair. It helped with mild depression and anxiety.
> ...


OK just checking to be sure but what does POSOM stand for?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> What advice can you guys give on ways to improve ones self esteem or appearance I don't want to seem like I'm bumming it every time I have to see her I want to show improvement ,not for her but for myself


Get a good haircut. Add some khaki pants, new shirts, belt and a pair of nice deck shoes to your wardrobe. Get good quality. You can catch a good sale and I guarantee it'll make you feel a lot better. Some new good cologne as well. Don't drench yourself in it. One spray to the chest one for the face and neck. Polo Blue is good.


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## Help1107 (Dec 12, 2014)

You can find it at any drug store.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> What advice can you guys give on ways to improve ones self esteem or appearance I don't want to seem like I'm bumming it every time I have to see her I want to show improvement ,not for her but for myself


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

The Healing Heart: The 180

and.................... yeah 425 pages but you will be a better man for reading it

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/63357-time-regroup-move.html


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Get a good haircut. Add some khaki pants, new shirts, belt and a pair of nice deck shoes to your wardrobe. Get good quality. You can catch a good sale and I guarantee it'll make you feel a lot better. Some new good cologne as well. Don't drench yourself in it. One spray to the chest one for the face and neck. Polo Blue is good.


Good advice. Get a modern haircut, not the same one you have for years. I like Polo Red and Cool Water. 

New clothes make the man. Belt and shoes to match color. Pay attention to the socks. Shoes to be shiny and good condition. I prefer dark (black shoes and belt) and dark pants, but khakis work too. See what is popular in your area.

If you are slim, wear fitted or athletic still dress shirts. At night, go with long sleeve that you can roll up one or two times as the night goes on. 

Get a good watch. Women will notice the watch. Does not need to be expensive, just needs to look good. Analog, not digital. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/311626-your-favorite-fragrance-perfume-cologne.html

Read this thread the ladies started:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/264346-physical-turn-offs-mans-appearance.html

Most important. Project confidence. Walk tall, head up, do not slouch, walk SLOWLY. Did I say be confident??


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas are you from the US or Central America?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Help1107 said:


> Have you tried taking some St. John's Wort?? It did wonders for me when I was going through my husbands affair. It helped with mild depression and anxiety.


Take it in 500-1200 mg a day in divided doses.

Also you can try SAM-e, 400-800 mg twice a day. 

or 5-HTP 200-300 mg daily.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas are you from the US or Central America?


I'm from California


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> I'm from California


How many years have you been M?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I'm from California
> ...


Together 11yrs and married 10yrs


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Tomas said:


> I know that this my sound like I'm weak or pathetic but the hardest part of this is the way they leave you feeling, how they leave you mentally broken ,where they make you question your self ,whether your personality is the problem ,or are you really unattractive. .. Those are the words and images that I can't seem to let go of in my mind. I can handle the fact were no longer together, if I never saw her again I could care less. Its just the mental damage of my self image I'm having trouble getting over


Whenever we suffer real pain, it always feels far worse then we imagined. What you are going through is pain. It is going to be like this for a while, then it will be less and one day it will disappear.



farsidejunky said:


> This is what happens when you partner with a disordered person.
> 
> Pretty soon you start to believe their madness.


This is the case. The most valuable thing I got from marriage counselling was that I had a Scandinavian MC who believed in 50:50, when my wife would say some things The MC's jaw dropped. I needed that.



Tomas said:


> What advice can you guys give on ways to improve ones self esteem or appearance I don't want to seem like I'm bumming it every time I have to see her I want to show improvement ,not for her but for myself


I can only tell you what worked for me:
- Meditation
- Yoga 
- Boxing
In particular, identify what you can most imagine yourself doing and prioritize the other ones. This is important. Your image of yourself at the moment is someone stuck on your wife, learn that you can change how you identify yourself. 



Marc878 said:


> Get a good haircut. Add some khaki pants, new shirts, belt and a pair of nice deck shoes to your wardrobe. Get good quality. You can catch a good sale and I guarantee it'll make you feel a lot better. Some new good cologne as well. Don't drench yourself in it. One spray to the chest one for the face and neck. Polo Blue is good.


I would suggest, if you can, going to Nordstrom. My impression is you are a conservative dresser. Book a personal shopper and discard anything that you would normally buy yourself and reinforce that you are who you make yourself.



Tomas said:


> I'm from California


Whereabouts?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> Whenever we suffer real pain, it always feels far worse then we imagined. What you are going through is pain. It is going to be like this for a while, then it will be less and one day it will disappear.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Maybe you can confirm or debunk this......

Isn't there a law in CA that if you are M for ten years, the XW gets vaginamony for life?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> I'm from California


posOM

Piece
Of
****e
Other
Man


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP what makes you think your wife even wants custody. All of her actions show she can't be bothered.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

She came over again as we speak this is the second time this week she came over do you guys think its because she received the divorce papers or the child custody from the court or is she coming out of the fog? I hope not!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tomas said:


> She came over again as we speak this is the second time this week she came over do you guys think its because she received the divorce papers or the child custody from the court or is she coming out of the fog? I hope not!


Don't worry what she does just fight for your kids. This is about you being a father to your children.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She wants to eat more cake.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > She came over again as we speak this is the second time this week she came over do you guys think its because she received the divorce papers or the child custody from the court or is she coming out of the fog? I hope not!
> ...


My lawyer said I have an advantage over her for leaving the house and on top of that lieing to get food stamps when she doesn't even have the girls ,she using it to feed the other guy and herself


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> She came over again as we speak this is the second time this week she came over do you guys think its because she received the divorce papers or the child custody from the court or is she coming out of the fog? I hope not!


Who the fvck cares? Seriously!

She is being a defiant little entitled princess who wanted out.

You give defiant people EXACTLY what they want..... why?

99.9% of the time it turns out to be the farthest thing from what they want.

But... ya know what...... that (she) ain't your freaking problem anymore....


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> She wants to eat more cake.


I hate when she comes over, if get custody of my girls do you know if its mandatory that she knows where I live if I get a new place ? Can't we just meet somewhere to give her the kids on her visit days?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

This would be much easier if I didn't have to see her! I hate her walking around like everything normal


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > She came over again as we speak this is the second time this week she came over do you guys think its because she received the divorce papers or the child custody from the court or is she coming out of the fog? I hope not!
> ...


I don't care what she does I just hate seeing her face!! Drives me crazy


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tomas said:


> This would be much easier if I didn't have to see her! I hate her walking around like everything normal


Thomas, you have to work to get to the point where you are indifferent about her. This just takes time, a lot of this is just the synapses in your brain. You being together for 10 years has hardwired your brain to feel this way. Now that you are getting a really good idea who she is time will eventually make this go away.

Have you done an reading on codependency, on working on yourself. Right now is not a good time to move forward with dating and meeting people this is true but you can still work on getting ready. This also gives you something to be hopeful about. It's like working out your emotional muscles.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tomas said:


> I live in a no fault state when we go to court I know the judge is going to award her custody of the kids and I'll be left paying child support


even if you are the primary care giver? I would start a record of who keeps the kids the most. Go back to when she left. Show that you have been the one taking care of them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tomas said:


> I found out last night she applied for food stamps and isn't even using for the girls she's been using it to feed herself and her AP!!! I'm the one that's been supporting the girls by myself! Should I report her for fraud?


YES!!!!!!!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > This would be much easier if I didn't have to see her! I hate her walking around like everything normal
> ...


Yeah that's what I'm trying to work onguys myself confidence and appearance. I'm giving myself a time limit to change myself and the way I look, I'm getting rid of everything in my house bed..etc.. I'm even gonna get rid of my trucks and switch to cars .I'm thinking dodge charger.. I just don't want to have anything that reminds me of her, at first I got sad and now its getting to the point where I'm just getting angry evertime I think of her.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I found out last night she applied for food stamps and isn't even using for the girls she's been using it to feed herself and her AP!!! I'm the one that's been supporting the girls by myself! Should I report her for fraud?
> ...


Yup I already reported her as my lawyer suggested and that's why he's pushing for physical custody!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Good luck Tomas, will be praying for you and the kids.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> This would be much easier if I didn't have to see her! I hate her walking around like everything normal


She wants to keep you as Plan B.... in case POSOM doesn't work out.

If it doesn't, she will screw your brains out for three months and.... things will go back to 

EXACTLY the way they were the couple years leading up to her leaving.

C'mon dude.... it's not rocket science......


----------



## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > This would be much easier if I didn't have to see her! I hate her walking around like everything normal
> ...


You really think that's why she's coming around more often now? Even though she said she doesn't care anymore, sh*t I wouldn't take her back for no reason, she already screwed up to many times, I see her now and I just want to throat punch her ! Lol I wouldn't want to hear or even believe her b.s.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Good luck Tomas, will be praying for you and the kids.


Thank you I would really appreciate it me and my girls definitely need it.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Thomas, the haircut, the clothes, the car that is not for her. That is for you and the next woman in your life. Have you been asked, if so could you answer again; can you buy her out? 

Don't yield on custody. Just focus on the "best interest of the child" as spelled out in your state. You already have a track record to show the court and it is a good one. Keeping the kids in there own home, in the same school district, in the same social circle is a gender neutral area.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Thomas, the haircut, the clothes, the car that is not for her. That is for you and the next woman in your life. Have you been asked, if so could you answer again; can you buy her out?
> 
> Don't yield on custody. Just focus on the "best interest of the child" as spelled out in your state. You already have a track record to show the court and it is a good one. Keeping the kids in there own home, in the same school district, in the same social circle is a gender neutral area.


Yes those improvements I'm going to do for me I just need to feel better about my self and hopefully brings my self esteem up as for the house your right I should stay in the same one my kids are use to it, I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Maybe getting all new furniture would help and rearranging?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If she wants out..... help her pack. YOU stay at the house. The most common mistake guys make

in a D is moving out. That automatically gives the WS an advantage. The guys think they are

being "a stand up guy" for doing so. Wrong... they're lining themselves up to be taken to

the cleaners in the D. Your W is gone.... she will never again be the person you fell in love with.

But let me ask you... when was the last time she was?

The love is gone.... now it's a business deal. Get the best deal you can.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> If she wants out..... help her pack. YOU stay at the house. The most common mistake guys make
> 
> in a D is moving out. That automatically gives the WS an advantage. The guys think they are
> 
> ...


She's the one that moved out a couple months ago to be with the OM she took all her stuff just left a couple boxes behind .I don't know why she doesn't take them she's already with him. I no longer let her in the house , she disrespected the family for the last time


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Document the time she has been AWAY from the kids. That will help you out in custody decision.

How long does she go without seeing the kids? Days? Weeks?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

> She's the one that moved out a couple months ago to be with the OM she took all her stuff just left a couple boxes behind .I don't know why she doesn't take them she's already with him. I no longer let her in the house , she disrespected the family for the last time


Get her address and mail them to her.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

She's the one that moved out a couple months ago to be with the OM she took all her stuff just left a couple boxes behind .I don't know why she doesn't take them she's already with him. I no longer let her in the house , she disrespected the family for the last time[/QUOTE]

Get her address and mail them to her.[/QUOTE]

No way.

Public storage lets you rent space for $1.00 for the first month.

Mail the key to her.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Document the time she has been AWAY from the kids. That will help you out in custody decision.
> 
> How long does she go without seeing the kids? Days? Weeks?


She comes once a week has them for 2 to 3 hrs, this week is the first time she has came twice but only for about 20min


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> She comes once a week has them for 2 to 3 hrs, this week is the first time she has came twice but only for about 20min


I hope you are seeking full custody and child support then.

This is about the only way a man can get it so.... strike while the iron is hot.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > This would be much easier if I didn't have to see her! I hate her walking around like everything normal
> ...


Chuck you surprise me with your knowledge that's exactly what she did 1year ago man. She made me believe she was telling the truth. Makes me wish I hadn't wasted 1yr it made it much harder on me. Huh.. Maybe this one is the right one for her


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

When ever you see red flags, it is time to put your detective hat one.

There are about 3-4 scripts 99% of WSs follow. After you have been on TAM long enough... 

you can spot them in the first OPs post. You thought things were over last year, she bonked you

like she did when you met and when you rugswept every thing... she slowly scaled back the sex.

In other words... it was pre-meditated. Seems clear as day when you reflect doesn't it?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> When ever you see red flags, it is time to put your detective hat one.
> 
> There are about 3-4 scripts 99% of WSs follow. After you have been on TAM long enough...
> 
> ...


In your experience chuck what is the number one thing that makes WS's flip. What gets to them?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Moving on.

Living well.

Not being under their thumb anymore. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Them seeing other women go after you.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> Them seeing other women go after you.


Haha! I got that from another buddy saying have a pretty woman answer the door, I would of loved to do that unfortunately I have to much respect for my girls unlike her


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> In your experience chuck what is the number one thing that makes WS's flip. What gets to them?


If I knew that..... I would live in Huntington Beach in a 40,000 sq ft home, paid for 

Doesn't matter, she made her bed. 

Time to circle YOUR wagons.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Date a woman older then her or turn her down for sex and I just don't feel it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> In your experience chuck what is the number one thing that makes WS's flip. What gets to them?


If you must know..... going from

Tomas' Priorities June 2015
1-Her
2-Kids
37-Tomas

Tomas' Priorities June 2016
1-Tomas
2-Kids
37-Her


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I would worry about finalizing the divorce, with favorable custody towards you, before I worried about trying to piss her off.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> I would worry about finalizing the divorce, with favorable custody towards you, before I worried about trying to piss her off.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Exactly!!!! You can save up and do that after you get her to sign on the dotted line.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

You guys right as usual.. Hard to think straight sometimes


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

turnera2 said:


> Them seeing other women go after you.


Threadjack..... Turnera? Say it ain't so...

Surely there is a way to re-activate your old acct


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ya, you don't want to piss her off right now.

If you insist that you MUST be the one there when she comes and gets/drops off your girls, then just act completely aloof towards her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Ya, you don't want to piss her off right now.
> 
> If you insist that you MUST be the one there when she comes and gets/drops off your girls, then just act completely aloof towards her.


Tomas..... I will say I agree with this statement BUT

You spent YEARS trying not to piss her off.... where'd that get ya?

If setting healthy boundaries piss her off... well that's her freaking problem, NOT yours.

If it is a very short term situation where you are "getting your head out of the lion's mouth,"

then there is much validity to doing that. But you're in CA.... this D will be long and drawn out.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Actually your lawyer is your best friend. Get the house, get custody when the judge says done your piss her off beyond neasuure than watch her screw over OM1,2,3..... Trying to get you back.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Yeah, I think I'm gonna hold off on pissing her off ,I'm going to give myself some more time until September. I've been working out so I'll see how much physical improvement I've made until then, then I'll go shop for some new clothes ,new style, new car. Hopefully by then the divorce is over. I just hate seeing her think she's all that and her thinking I can't find someone else, for what ever b.s. reasons she threw at me. That's what gets me down. Its easy for her because she's living the single life and being a shi**y mother. Maybe by that time I'll be better emotionally and can start casual dating just to help my self esteem.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If you do not learn from the mistakes you made in this M, grow, learn who you are....

you will VERY likely end up dating AND M..... an exact replicate of your 1st W.

It happens.... ALL THE TIME


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Chuck71 said:


> Threadjack..... Turnera? Say it ain't so...
> 
> Surely there is a way to re-activate your old acct


i tried for three days and, like Affair Care, got NO response and NO help, so I just gave up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

turnera2 said:


> i tried for three days and, like Affair Care, got NO response and NO help, so I just gave up.


Wow. Don't you just LOVE being completely and utterly ignored?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Don't piss off god. She might give you what you want and then laugh his ass off. Grey rock her, get the house, kids and then boom.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Make a plan. It'll be fun looking for her replacement.


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

You're in love with a fantasy, not the reality of what she really is. What kind of mother abandons her children??

Focus on your girls. They will be OK. Kids are resilient. Love them. Protect them. You and your girls will be OK. You'll be better off.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> That's what gets me down.


Her behavior gets you down?

Even after you see what she so clearly is?

Why is her behavior and opinions "about you" when it's so clearly about her and her alone?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You have those kids 95-98% of the time. Lock that down NOW.

Let that sorry POS pay you child support. 

In this day and age I see too damn many times, the kids were born just to be negotiating chips

in D, CS, vaginamony. You have the chance to flip this entire theory.

You do know this don't you?


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Actually your lawyer is your best friend. Get the house, get custody when the judge says done your piss her off beyond neasuure than watch her screw over OM1,2,3..... Trying to get you back.


Actually, your lawyer is NOT your best friend. Your lawyer is a business man. NEVER, ever forget that. Your lawyer will have his own selfish motives. Unfortunately.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

AngelHeart888 said:


> Actually, your lawyer is NOT your best friend. Your lawyer is a business man. NEVER, ever forget that. Your lawyer will have his own selfish motives. Unfortunately.


If I am paying a lawyer, by God s/he best better have my best interest at heart.

They are in no way above the law


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> If I am paying a lawyer, by God s/he best better have my best interest at heart.
> 
> They are in no way above the law


They are not above the law. And they owe you due diligence.
But make no mistake. They are NOT your best friend.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@AngelHeart888 your right, always make sure they are doing their job. I advise BS never hire a lawyer who tells you what the law is. Hire a lawyer who tells you how to make the law give you what you want. In OP case stay in the home, stay focused on the children. Regardless of the state stability and who is providing basic needs like home prepared meals, clothing, showing up at functions has a huge edge in custody. 

OP has you lawyer duscussed with you the importance of keeping her out of the house legally and suggested ways to encourage her not to return?


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

I just wanted to point out that some lawyers, not all, but especially divorce lawyers will take advantage of your emotional state. The more emotional you are -- and people going through divorce tend to be quite emotional, naturally -- the more prone you are to be taken for a ride. 

And this doesn't mean that they are breaking the law in any way (they would never jeopardize their careers that way,) and it doesn't mean that they will do anything that will cause you any harm. They will always be on your side, legally. 

It just means that they might encourage you to take the route that pads the billable hours, and empty your pockets, regardless of outcome. For example, they may raise your hopes, or encourage you to fight for an outcome that has little chance of winning. You have to keep in mind that they get paid, whether you win your case or not. So try, if at all possible, to stay out of court, mediate, do whatever is necessary to streamline the process. 

I know this is not always possible with an unreasonable STBX.

But do not, under any circumstance, fully trust a lawyer. They have their own best interest in mind, first and foremost. Yours is secondary. 

And that is an unfortunate truth.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hence the old line..... What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the lake? A good start


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So my stbxw text me last night asking "hey can I ask you something" I see the text and automatically think what the hell you want... But I didn't reply back , then a minute later she text back never mind.. Since I guess I didn't reply fast enough ,guess she use to me doing so,or trying to pull my strings.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Keep THAT up...... good job Tomas. Keep on 180'g


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Keep THAT up...... good job Tomas. Keep on 180'g


Thanks chuck you guys been great help. You guys been making this a lot easier to deal with. Sometimes its hard to think when they make you have all this guilt inside your mind. It's amazing how they can do all this b.s. and still try to pin it on you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

YOU are NOT responsible for HER choices.

Write that on a piece of paper and sticky it to your fridge, bathroom mirror. Learn it, live it


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tomas said:


> So my stbxw text me last night asking "hey can I ask you something" I see the text and automatically think what the hell you want... But I didn't reply back , then a minute later she text back never mind.. Since I guess I didn't reply fast enough ,guess she use to me doing so,or trying to pull my strings.


She is really f'ing with your head. Seeing if you're still in the leash. Whatever you do, stay dark. 
You will be amazed what these type of women can come up with to stroke their ego, keep you down, f up your life, etcetera. Wait until you find someone else---- then the magic tricks will really be amped up.
No response. Live it.
I have to constantly remind myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Yeah it's amazing the crap they come up with, I still can't believe she's asked if we could still be friends for the girls. I was like really if you cared for them you wouldn't of put them through this.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Tomas said:


> Yeah it's amazing the crap they come up with, I still can't believe she's asked if we could still be friends for the girls. I was like really if you cared for them you wouldn't of put them through this.


Staying friends in divorce means give me everything I want. Friendship has little to do with it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Friends don't divorce friends........


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Yeah it's amazing the crap they come up with, I still can't believe she's asked if we could still be friends for the girls. I was like really if you cared for them you wouldn't of put them through this.


Cheater script: can we be friends = see he's really OK with my affair so everyone should be too. Now I don't have to feel any guilt.

Definition of friend: loyal, trusting, honest. She's not your friend.

Silence is golden. Treat her like the mailbox or a piece of furniture.

It's the smart thing to do and your only way forward out of this mess.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> So my stbxw text me last night asking "hey can I ask you something" I see the text and automatically think what the hell you want... But I didn't reply back , then a minute later she text back never mind.. Since I guess I didn't reply fast enough ,guess she use to me doing so,or trying to pull my strings.


The highest levels of consideration and kindness for them.

The lowest for you.

The script is the same - no matter the player.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Yeah it's amazing the crap they come up with, I still can't believe she's asked if we could still be friends for the girls. I was like really if you cared for them you wouldn't of put them through this.



She is no longer your friend, buddy or pal, she is your ex for a reason. Additionally, she is the mother of your children and deserves to be treated with a certain amount of respect, not for her, but for your children.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Feeling really down today, last night I accidentally ran into my stbxw ,she didn't see me but I saw her with OM. It really upset me because shes been telling her daughter lies, my oldest has been asking if she could come see her and she's been telling her she can't because she's been working and she will but doesn't do it. Yesterday she told her she would but guess what? She never did. I'm starting to really hate her so much! I can't stand looking at her anymore, every time I have to I fight so hard to keep my anger in..


----------



## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I sometimes get so angry... Why does she get to do what she wants all the time.. Enjoy herself like she has no responsibility. Its not that I don't enjoy my time with my girls, but for these past months I haven't been out with any friends whatsoever, I feel so overwhelmed as I never have any time for myself as I'm always busy, working, preparing meals , playing with them and doing all the house duty's. I feel so overwhelmed, but I'm holding it together because I love my daughters.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Life isn't fair.

Get out of the victim chair. 

You have your children. Do you know how many men enroute to divorce do not have that?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Life isn't fair.
> 
> Get out of the victim chair.
> 
> ...


Yes, I know your right. It just ticks me off when she tries to play good parent in front of everyone else. I unfortunately have to deal with her b.s, believe me if we had no kids together I would not be in this situation. I could care less what she's doing. It just bothers me the way she affects our girls. I can't believe I married this woman.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You should believe it; you did it.

Own your $hit, and find out why you thought she was wife material. Only then will you not repeat the same mistake.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tomas said:


> It just ticks me off when she tries to play good parent in front of everyone else.


Well, you're perfectly capable of countering that. "What's that you say? Donna's telling everyone of all the fun she's having with the girls? That's odd, since she hasn't picked them up in over two weeks." And then just change the subject.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Yup, I don't have anything to do but just deal with it. Sometimes it just gets to me no matter how much I try to avoid it.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

She just does dumb crap that get to me sometimes, like the other day she dropped of the little one and the oldest was in the pool and sees her mother and she didn't walk over to say hi or anything to her and when she asked her about it she said , " ohh I looked like you were having to much fun I didn't want to bother you :/


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She is a POS......... accept that and move forward.

You have the children. Be damn sure the court knows that.

Pray she walks away.... a guy getting FC on children is unheard of.....

YOU need to change that.

In 2021 you will be so glad you do.... I promise


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tomas said:


> I sometimes get so angry... Why does she get to do what she wants all the time.. Enjoy herself like she has no responsibility. Its not that I don't enjoy my time with my girls, but for these past months I haven't been out with any friends whatsoever, I feel so overwhelmed as I never have any time for myself as I'm always busy, working, preparing meals , playing with them and doing all the house duty's. I feel so overwhelmed, but I'm holding it together because I love my daughters.


Use your anger to your advantage. NOT HERS.

It is OK to be angry....who would not be?....maybe a zombie or a wooden head.

Being angry shows us that you have a heart and do not lightly accept injustice.

You actually received GOOD Justice. Yep, she left and she took the bad from your relationship. Now. it is all good. 

What is left....again, is You and Your Daughters. Perfect! All good!

You got the better deal here....big time. You have those lovely daughters to enjoy. She is too dumb, too selfish to care. She is a waste.

She is a waste....and she flushed herself down the toilet. Thank goodness that she did that. She is now headed for the sewage plant, to be processed and cleansed. Phewww...good bye!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So a few days ago I received a text from my stbxw she said why I hadn't told her I enrolled my little one in kindergarten. So I simply told her I was going to tell her but forgot but was going to let her know weeks ahead of time. She found out through my oldest. Anyways I immediately thought why didn't you do it..oohh right because you don't give a crap..well she kept texting back and asking questions and letting me know she's going to buy them clothes in August and if its OK with me but at the same time her text were like her provoking me to start arguing , so I just held my anger as much as I could and before I said something stupid I just told her is that it do you have any other questions that are about our daughters because I have other important things to do and don't have time to text. I'm just at the point now where I can't stand to see her or really want to have any communication with her if its not about our daughter. I just feel so much hate for her now. If I didn't have to see or speak to her again I would be better of. Did I respond to her well or did it sound harsh. The truth is I dont give a crap about her I'm just trying to keep it cool until everything over.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude, enjoy your kids, act like your ex's best friend, and get full custody.

Then, you're done with her. You'll find a better woman easily and wonder why you wasted a year on her, or even a thought.

Oh, and document everything, listen to your attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Dude, enjoy your kids, act like your ex's best friend, and get full custody.
> 
> Then, you're done with her. You'll find a better woman easily and wonder why you wasted a year on her, or even a thought.
> 
> ...


Yes, don't take your eyes off the prize, which is full custody and child support (there is a minimum) from her. You will be amazed how great you will feel when you have all the cards and the loser dumps her. Just don't take her back. Stay on course. Don't get angry, get the revenge of having full custody.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

When you get fed up with her say, "Done yet?" Go silent.

Personally, I will not ever set aside extended parts of my day texting back and forth with others.

You damn sure shouldn't your STBXW.

Compose an email, get it done in one shot. Say you will reply in one response.

Or limit her text to five per day concerning the kids.

Wouldn't have to do any of this is her sorry arse was around more than once or twice a month.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> So a few days ago I received a text from my stbxw she said why I hadn't told her I enrolled my little one in kindergarten. So I simply told her I was going to tell her but forgot but was going to let her know weeks ahead of time. She found out through my oldest. Anyways I immediately thought why didn't you do it..oohh right because you don't give a crap..well she kept texting back and asking questions and letting me know she's going to buy them clothes in August and if its OK with me but at the same time her text were like her provoking me to start arguing , so I just held my anger as much as I could and before I said something stupid I just told her is that it do you have any other questions that are about our daughters because I have other important things to do and don't have time to text. I'm just at the point now where I can't stand to see her or really want to have any communication with her if its not about our daughter. I just feel so much hate for her now. If I didn't have to see or speak to her again I would be better of. Did I respond to her well or did it sound harsh. The truth is I dont give a crap about her I'm just trying to keep it cool until everything over.


Silence speaks much louder than protestations


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Tomas said:


> So a few days ago I received a text from my stbxw she said why I hadn't told her I enrolled my little one in kindergarten. So I simply told her I was going to tell her but forgot but was going to let her know weeks ahead of time. She found out through my oldest. Anyways I immediately thought why didn't you do it..oohh right because you don't give a crap..well she kept texting back and asking questions and letting me know she's going to buy them clothes in August and if its OK with me but at the same time her text were like her provoking me to start arguing , so I just held my anger as much as I could and before I said something stupid I just told her is that it do you have any other questions that are about our daughters because I have other important things to do and don't have time to text. I'm just at the point now where I can't stand to see her or really want to have any communication with her if its not about our daughter. I just feel so much hate for her now. If I didn't have to see or speak to her again I would be better of. Did I respond to her well or did it sound harsh. The truth is I dont give a crap about her I'm just trying to keep it cool until everything over.


Tomas, I truly feel for what you are going thru and dealing with right now. My first husband had an affair and he was so caught up in his love life that he had no time for his children and your posts here resonate that and the feelings associated with it. I want to say, good for you......pat yourself on the back for taking the steps to keep parenting your children. Your feelings are normal to a situation like this. Do not let your wife issues and her life make you feel less. She is having fun with a stranger. Will it last? And then what happens? Will she just repeat this all over again?

Provide your children with the stability they need and work on you. Let her find herself and wish her well, it is the best you can do.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Unbe took his W back after two APs. And nearly a third. WSs often repeat APs....

I never knew if my XW ever cheated, walking out was enough for me. Never regretted it


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

How is the divorce coming?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So these past days have been hard found out my stbxw might have broken up with the OM now she's brain washing my girls and telling them she wasn't them to move in with her. She's now making me look bad because I don't let them do whatever they want she trying to play the nice mom game. I think my oldest is falling for it. I'm so heart broken by this.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

My lawyer said if she tries to take them I can't stop her but he will ask for an emergency court hearing


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many conversations are you having with your kids? How many walks are you going on with your kids? How many times are you just sitting down and playing Lincoln Logs with your kids while you talk with them and listen to them? How many times when you're around them do you turn off all the electronics and just run through the sprinkler or make water balloons? 

You can SHOW your kids how good of a parent you are.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Rather than respond to her filing for custody, if I were you I'd get it in writing NOW. For the last while, you've been primary caregiver and that gives you a pretty stiff advantage. If STBXW starts doing more and then files, you lose your edge. I strongly suggest preemptive strike.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

A divorce is a war. If your opponent is capable of destroying you..... do you sit idly by? 

Strike while the iron is hot.....if you don't you will be posting here around the holidays bytching about

how you can't see your girls. In a divorce it is "attack or be attacked"


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IN a divorce Mr Nice Guy gets his head handed to him.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

In these types of threads, I never trust silence.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Most get caught in a booby trap..... ask Unbe


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Blue pill. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Viagra?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> A divorce is a war. If your opponent is capable of destroying you..... do you sit idly by?
> 
> Strike while the iron is hot.....if you don't you will be posting here around the holidays bytching about
> 
> how you can't see your girls. In a divorce it is "attack or be attacked"


This why no matter how painful it is filing and pursuing a divorce while an affair is active is the best long term course. 

Once trouble in paradise starts the divorce game almost always turns much worse for a bs.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> This why no matter how painful it is filing and pursuing a divorce while an affair is active is the best long term course.
> 
> Once trouble in paradise starts the divorce game almost always turns much worse for a bs.


I'm going to wait for Tomas, as I suspect we're going necro here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Most get caught in a booby trap..... ask Unbe


And the boobies ain't your wife's. She lets OM have those.
She gives you the [p]unt and the boot.....those spur[ns] embed in deep..... from her sole to your soul. 

Unbe-lievable *?*&%!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> honcho said:
> 
> 
> > This why no matter how painful it is filing and pursuing a divorce while an affair is active is the best long term course.
> ...


Sorry guys I haven't been on in a while, I've been dealing with this woman and spending as much time with my girls as possible.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So after the stbxw broke up with the OM she all of a sudden was trying to be the good mother. Brain washing my kids that it was just going to be her and them. So what happens? She moves in with this other man that has 2 kids of his own. Tries to take my girls and keep them. Giving me the I'll keep them this week you get them next week ,crap... So I told her if you don't bring them back by the morning I'm calling the sheriff's and reporting you. I told her you just can't walk out on them and take them whenever you want.I told my lawyer and he said if she doesn't bring them back at time you agreed call me and I'll get an emergency court order as you have been the one that has had them this whole time.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

So that night she starts telling me why I'm now making it so hard for her and its not fair, that she needs the girls too. I'm thinking yeah that's why you walked out on them and decided to go party and be worry free. So then out of nowhere she starts talking about me and her and how she won't get back together with me that she's looking for a man that will love her like crazy. So I told her what are you talking about ?/were talking about the girls not me and you.. How did you come up with this idea that I want you back? I don't want you back. I don't even think about it . I no longer have any feelings for you. I don't care about you or what you do. I just want this to be over. Why are you bringing it up ? Were in the past. After I told her this she didn't even respond back. I guess she was expecting a " I still love you" what do you guys think? To be honest I don't really want her back..I don't know why she brought it up. She's a horrible person,she cheated multiple times and the only reason that I think I stayed with her was for my girls.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tomas said:


> So that night she starts telling me why I'm now making it so hard for her and its not fair, that she needs the girls too. I'm thinking yeah that's why you walked out on them and decided to go party and be worry free. So then out of nowhere she starts talking about me and her and how she won't get back together with me that she's looking for a man that will love her like crazy. So I told her what are you talking about ?/were talking about the girls not me and you.. How did you come up with this idea that I want you back? I don't want you back. I don't even think about it . I no longer have any feelings for you. I don't care about you or what you do. I just want this to be over. Why are you bringing it up ? Were in the past. After I told her this she didn't even respond back. I guess she was expecting a " I still love you" what do you guys think? To be honest I don't really want her back..I don't know why she brought it up. She's a horrible person,she cheated multiple times and the only reason that I think I stayed with her was for my girls.


She thinks she can come back anytime because your past behavior conditioned
her to believe she could.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tomas said:


> So that night she starts telling me why I'm now making it so hard for her and its not fair, that she needs the girls too. I'm thinking yeah that's why you walked out on them and decided to go party and be worry free. So then out of nowhere she starts talking about me and her and how she won't get back together with me that she's looking for a man that will love her like crazy. So I told her what are you talking about ?/were talking about the girls not me and you.. How did you come up with this idea that I want you back? I don't want you back. I don't even think about it . I no longer have any feelings for you. I don't care about you or what you do. I just want this to be over. Why are you bringing it up ? Were in the past. After I told her this she didn't even respond back. I guess she was expecting a " I still love you" what do you guys think? To be honest I don't really want her back..I don't know why she brought it up. She's a horrible person,she cheated multiple times and the only reason that I think I stayed with her was for my girls.


I think "her thinking about you" and her should be the last of your worries. You should be worried about protecting your kids from this delusional person. Kids need stability, you are the only stable force in their life right now. That should be you only concern. That is your job as their father, crush any other feelings you have right now. Like you are going to war.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Moving in with OM#2 ...... who is that guy? For all you know he could like "VERY YOUNG" girls....

as in under 10. Find out who he is..... she just got dumped by OM #1 what, few weeks ago?

Lock down your girls..... tell the lawyer about her actions.... a good lawyer will jump at this.

Hopefully she will continue to float in fantasyland while you obtain FC of the girls.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tomas said:


> So that night she starts telling me why I'm now making it so hard for her and its not fair, that she needs the girls too. I'm thinking yeah that's why you walked out on them and decided to go party and be worry free. So then out of nowhere she starts talking about me and her and how she won't get back together with me that she's looking for a man that will love her like crazy. *So I told her what are you talking about ?/were talking about the girls not me and you.. How did you come up with this idea that I want you back? I don't want you back. I don't even think about it . I no longer have any feelings for you. I don't care about you or what you do. I just want this to be over. Why are you bringing it up ? Were in the past. After I told her this she didn't even respond back. I guess she was expecting a " I still love you"* what do you guys think? To be honest I don't really want her back..I don't know why she brought it up. She's a horrible person,she cheated multiple times and the only reason that I think I stayed with her was for my girls.


Good for you! Good job. That is a first step. Keep it up.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I don't know who this other man is all I know is he has 2 girls himself. I found out a few hours ago she's back with the OM she broke up with a few weeks ago. This woman has serious mental problems or I don't know what goes on in her head.. This man went crazy on her and broke her car windshield.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Moving in with OM#2 ...... who is that guy? For all you know he could like "VERY YOUNG" girls....
> 
> as in under 10. Find out who he is..... she just got dumped by OM #1 what, few weeks ago?
> 
> ...


She's trying to talk to me and says she wants 50/50 custody. I pretty much told her to f***off that whatever arrangements we agree on will be in the court room .I'm not taking your **** no more.. I live in a mommy state so I do get really worried.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Tomas said:


> She's trying to talk to me and says she wants 50/50 custody. I pretty much told her to f***off that whatever arrangements we agree on will be in the court room .I'm not taking your **** no more.. I live in a mommy state so I do get really worried.




Stick to your guns. 

Bring what you have to court. 

Stay calm, bro. 

Don't worry. 

Your kids are going to be with her part of the time and with you. 

They will learn things from her and they will learn things from you. 

Show them the difference. 

They will learn. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tomas said:


> I don't know who this other man is all I know is he has 2 girls himself. I found out a few hours ago she's back with the OM she broke up with a few weeks ago. This woman has serious mental problems or I don't know what goes on in her head.. *This man went crazy on her and broke her car windshield*.


Make sure you mention the bolded to your lawyer. Your issue is the safety of your kids when they are with her. Her choosing to be with a violent man raises concerns about your daughters' safety when they are with her (should that man be there). You may be able to insist he not be legally allowed around your daughters.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

jld said:


> Make sure you mention the bolded to your lawyer. Your issue is the safety of your kids when they are with her. Her choosing to be with a violent man raises concerns about your daughters' safety when they are with her (should that man be there). You may be able to insist he not be legally allowed around your daughters.


And judging by her frequency of hopping OM to OM, it is just a matter of time before she links

up with one who "likes 'em young," has "anger issues," or a few instances away from a "psychotic break." 

Worst come to worst.... give her a good settlement $wise but nothing less than FULL CUSTODY

and supervised visitation if she will bring her "lovely" choices of men around the girls.

Mothers from a divorce with young daughters..... mostly tend to not date until the daughter(s)

are grown. There's a reason behind that.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tomas said:


> I don't know who this other man is all I know is he has 2 girls himself. I found out a few hours ago she's back with the OM she broke up with a few weeks ago. This woman has serious mental problems or I don't know what goes on in her head.. This man went crazy on her and broke her car windshield.


are you keeping a notebook of every interaction in case you need to show it to the judge.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> And judging by her frequency of hopping OM to OM, it is just a matter of time before she links
> 
> up with one who "likes 'em young," has "anger issues," or a few instances away from a "psychotic break."
> 
> ...


THIS......

She thinks of no one but herself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> I don't know who this other man is all I know is he has 2 girls himself. I found out a few hours ago she's back with the OM she broke up with a few weeks ago. This woman has serious mental problems or I don't know what goes on in her head.. This man went crazy on her and broke her car windshield.


Glad you've finally seen the light. She's told you what she is multiple times. Move on there's nothing to look back on here.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Glad you've finally seen the light. She's told you what she is multiple times. Move on there's nothing to look back on here.


When people show you who they are, believe them.

A great motto is the following, "I can't hear what you're saying (about full custody) because what you are doing speaks so loudly"


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas.... old saying

Fool me once (OM, lust, then I made a mistake seeking OM) .... shame on her

Fool me twice (OM#2, lust, ....... etc.) shame on you (for allowing it)

Fool me thrice (OM#3) dude you must enjoy pain

She showed you what she wants (freedom) now... give it to her.... via D, you FC of girls.

She thinks her new life will be just "peachy" that is your opportunity to get the best deal in court.

It's like Joe Montana throwing to Jerry Rice in 1996 and the cornerback slipped and fell 20 yards back.

Strike....


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Funny thing my stbxw did last night is text me some pictures of the girls when they were smaller. Don't know why she did it. I never call her or text her unless it really matters. She did it out of the blue..didn't even write anything else just sent me the pictures. I didn't even respond anything back. I'm just at the point where I can't stand her . to be honest I feel like I hate her and now I'm just trying to get over that feeling for my girls...as I know I'm going to have to see her once in a while.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

You'll have the rest of your life to observe her misery - and the reasons for it - after you're free of her.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ReturntoZero said:


> You'll have the rest of your life to observe her misery - and the reasons for it - after you're free of her.




Had a lot of responses but this really sums it up best. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Funny thing my stbxw did last night is text me some pictures of the girls when they were smaller. Don't know why she did it. I never call her or text her unless it really matters. She did it out of the blue..didn't even write anything else just sent me the pictures. I didn't even respond anything back. I'm just at the point where I can't stand her . to be honest I feel like I hate her and now I'm just trying to get over that feeling for my girls...as I know I'm going to have to see her once in a while.


Breadcrumbs


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Ah yes, regret is a double edged sword in the ending of a relationship. Stay strong.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Bats dem eyelashes, pulls you in.... false R, then she D you on her terms. Seen it before

Read an old thread from Gutpunch.... maybe 8 weeks in, she throws a spider web. See how that worked 

out for him.

It's your life, do what you will do but.... we see this all the time. In fact, start kissing her ass....

In a few weeks things will be back to the way they were before.... everyone wants their "parting shots" to 

be pretty. You can date her, live with her, bonk her 25x a week..... AFTER you are D and you have FC

of the kids. Then let's see if she is romantic.....


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Hey guys. Woke up feeling like crap today. I have court tomorrow. For some reason I haven't been able to get over the feeling of being a failure. A failure in my marriage and how bad this is affecting my daughter's. It seems like the mental torture on myself gets worse everyday. I no longer miss her or want her back or would ever consider taking her back. Its just the mental abuse she left on me haunts me everyday, the things she said about me left my self esteem through the floor.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I'm self conscious and insecure of myself. I still find it hard some days to just function. There's times where I wish I could just disappear for awhile. Sometimes everything just gets to me I haven't been out in months sine this all happened not with friends or any type of date or anything. I know she's probably laughing because she thinks no women will find me attractive and that's why she thinks I haven't been out . its just I been concentrating all my time on my girls. Their who are important. I do however wish sometimes I could just go out for one night, but I find it difficult to talk to women even if I know their hinting that their flirting. I just freeze I feel self conscious or feel.like I'm not good enough. This woman really did a number on my mind.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I'm just sharing on here because like I said I haven't been out since this all happened, I stopped talking to my close friend or my family about it months ago as I do not want to annoy them .so I just pretend I'm doing good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The longer you isolate yourself and hide, the worse you're going to feel. Force yourself to text ONE person today, force yourself to go to ONE place today and just talk to a stranger. Find something you can DO, accomplish; it will make you feel more capable.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Tomas said:


> I'm self conscious and insecure of myself. I still find it hard some days to just function. There's times where I wish I could just disappear for awhile. Sometimes everything just gets to me I haven't been out in months sine this all happened not with friends or any type of date or anything. I know she's probably laughing because she thinks no women will find me attractive and that's why she thinks I haven't been out . its just I been concentrating all my time on my girls. Their who are important. I do however wish sometimes I could just go out for one night, but I find it difficult to talk to women even if I know their hinting that their flirting. I just freeze I feel self conscious or feel.like I'm not good enough. This woman really did a number on my mind.


Your girls need you to be happy and healthy.

If they are what's important then you need to get out find things to do.

No women yet. 

Hobbies, exercise and male friendships,


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Tomas,
You and the girls need to get rid of this woman.

I would never ask you to do something illegal or immoral. I'm not telling you what to do, you understand. I'm just going to tell you that this is something that some people do.

You do know, some women would stoop to calling the police on her STBXH for child abuse to get favorable custody settlement. I understand some men do it to their STBXW as well. It's all a matter of which one does it first. It happens all the time, I hear.

If the girls are old enough, they can testify to influence who they will be living with. Imagine that.

it would be nice if we lived in a perfect world, but we don't.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Tomas said:


> So its been over 3 months that my wife left me and my girls to be with a co worker, supposedly she said he didn't work there anymore and got a better job but yesterday I found out through my oldest daughter that he still works there and makes minimum wage like her, it seem like she's lied about who he really is . she put me down in every way possible, if you can think it she probably told me that. You didn't show me much attention...even though I did everything for her and supported almost all her ideas. Told me I never loved you and we have nothing in common, didn't find me attractive and never did. Even went as far as to insult my man hood...could you believe that? Told me I was a great father but a bad husband because I payed to much attention to our girls and not her. She's been gone for more than three months and shows no remorse whatsoever, she comes to see the girls once a week and never buys them anything. She spends maybe 2/3 hrs with them the day she comes to visit. Tuesday was the first day she took them out and was forcing my daughter to meet her AP and i don't think that's right. Well turns out that she told my daughter she never has money and doesn't visit them because she spends her check on other things. My daughter then asks her why don't you ask your dumb boyfriend for some , she tells her oh because he spend he's money like me and is always broke. Really!! She left me and my girls for this looser and is willing to put them through this crap and think everything is OK and that there doing great! I gave this woman everything and in the end I still got screwed I forgave her years ago for cheating and it just seems I couldn't do anything right in our relationship. The last excuse she gave me before she walked out was this guy is everything your not he's going to give me a better future , he makes me laugh all the time, he makes me feel like I never felt before, he supports me in everything and motivates me at work. Our sex life is great. Really! Why do you think...maybe because you don't have any responsibility you can go out and party and sleep with him without the kids to worry about. I feel so worthless and used and while I try to lie to myself that I don't love her I can't I'll be OK for a day or two and then it hits me again.


This some of the worst sh!t I have ever read on this site. I literally want to vomit. This woman is DISGUSTING trash.

Hit the gym hard man, diet and work on yourself. Stay busy and distracted. Try to get your self esteem back. 

Rome wasn't built in a day but you'll get better. As for her, the karma bus eventually takes care of garbage like her.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > So its been over 3 months that my wife left me and my girls to be with a co worker, supposedly she said he didn't work there anymore and got a better job but yesterday I found out through my oldest daughter that he still works there and makes minimum wage like her, it seem like she's lied about who he really is . she put me down in every way possible, if you can think it she probably told me that. You didn't show me much attention...even though I did everything for her and supported almost all her ideas. Told me I never loved you and we have nothing in common, didn't find me attractive and never did. Even went as far as to insult my man hood...could you believe that? Told me I was a great father but a bad husband because I payed to much attention to our girls and not her. She's been gone for more than three months and shows no remorse whatsoever, she comes to see the girls once a week and never buys them anything. She spends maybe 2/3 hrs with them the day she comes to visit. Tuesday was the first day she took them out and was forcing my daughter to meet her AP and i don't think that's right. Well turns out that she told my daughter she never has money and doesn't visit them because she spends her check on other things. My daughter then asks her why don't you ask your dumb boyfriend for some , she tells her oh because he spend he's money like me and is always broke. Really!! She left me and my girls for this looser and is willing to put them through this crap and think everything is OK and that there doing great! I gave this woman everything and in the end I still got screwed I forgave her years ago for cheating and it just seems I couldn't do anything right in our relationship. The last excuse she gave me before she walked out was this guy is everything your not he's going to give me a better future , he makes me laugh all the time, he makes me feel like I never felt before, he supports me in everything and motivates me at work. Our sex life is great. Really! Why do you think...maybe because you don't have any responsibility you can go out and party and sleep with him without the kids to worry about. I feel so worthless and used and while I try to lie to myself that I don't love her I can't I'll be OK for a day or two and then it hits me again.
> ...





BetrayedDad said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > So its been over 3 months that my wife left me and my girls to be with a co worker, supposedly she said he didn't work there anymore and got a better job but yesterday I found out through my oldest daughter that he still works there and makes minimum wage like her, it seem like she's lied about who he really is . she put me down in every way possible, if you can think it she probably told me that. You didn't show me much attention...even though I did everything for her and supported almost all her ideas. Told me I never loved you and we have nothing in common, didn't find me attractive and never did. Even went as far as to insult my man hood...could you believe that? Told me I was a great father but a bad husband because I payed to much attention to our girls and not her. She's been gone for more than three months and shows no remorse whatsoever, she comes to see the girls once a week and never buys them anything. She spends maybe 2/3 hrs with them the day she comes to visit. Tuesday was the first day she took them out and was forcing my daughter to meet her AP and i don't think that's right. Well turns out that she told my daughter she never has money and doesn't visit them because she spends her check on other things. My daughter then asks her why don't you ask your dumb boyfriend for some , she tells her oh because he spend he's money like me and is always broke. Really!! She left me and my girls for this looser and is willing to put them through this crap and think everything is OK and that there doing great! I gave this woman everything and in the end I still got screwed I forgave her years ago for cheating and it just seems I couldn't do anything right in our relationship. The last excuse she gave me before she walked out was this guy is everything your not he's going to give me a better future , he makes me laugh all the time, he makes me feel like I never felt before, he supports me in everything and motivates me at work. Our sex life is great. Really! Why do you think...maybe because you don't have any responsibility you can go out and party and sleep with him without the kids to worry about. I feel so worthless and used and while I try to lie to myself that I don't love her I can't I'll be OK for a day or two and then it hits me again.
> ...


Yeah I know , I realize the type of women I had. Luckily I realized that I was in love with an idea or image I had of her .I blinded myself from the truth I think mostly for my daughters. Its mostly the mental abuse and the doubts she put in my mind about myself that is being hard to get rid of.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Ceegee said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I'm self conscious and insecure of myself. I still find it hard some days to just function. There's times where I wish I could just disappear for awhile. Sometimes everything just gets to me I haven't been out in months sine this all happened not with friends or any type of date or anything. I know she's probably laughing because she thinks no women will find me attractive and that's why she thinks I haven't been out . its just I been concentrating all my time on my girls. Their who are important. I do however wish sometimes I could just go out for one night, but I find it difficult to talk to women even if I know their hinting that their flirting. I just freeze I feel self conscious or feel.like I'm not good enough. This woman really did a number on my mind.
> ...


I know my oldest see's it sometimes she will ask what's wrong why do you look sad . I try my hardest but sometimes I get caught it just sneeks up on me. I am happy I have my girls for now . I really enjoy playing with them and the activities we do together. I just haven't had time to myself I pretty much have just been bottling everything up inside me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tomas, you have GOT to get yourself healthy, both physically and mentally.

Do up a list of things you resolve to get done within, say, a week.
1) Join a gym
2) go out with 'the boys'
3) Read a book - the entire book
Those are just examples. What you need to do is START. Just pick a couple of things and DO them. When they're done, pick a couple more and do THEM. Then go for some bigger goals, like going to a divorce care group every week or something. Whatever YOU feel that YOU need.

If you don't do this, you are going to fall over sooner or later. Literally as well as figuratively.

What do you like? Football? Hiking? Pottery? Learning a new language? What?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and none of the things on your list can involve your kids. At ALL.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

OK so this women is getting on my nerves I don't know why she does this but once in a while she'll do something like she just did 10min ago. She'll send me a text like the one she just sent right now. This is what she texted me:

Hey Tomas...

I answer her with-- what??

She then text back with

Ohh never mind... It will be to late anyways..

What the hell is wrong with this woman can she just say what she wants or just leave me alone..


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Oh, and none of the things on your list can involve your kids. At ALL.


I know there's a lot of things I like doing but when I think about doing them I feel bad about it. As I don't want to be like their mother who puts her needs first.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You shouldn't feel bad about doing things you like to do. Is that what you want to teach your girls?

Just because thir mom is a disgusting troll doesn't mean you have to be the exact opposite of her. A healthy balance is what you want.



Tomas said:


> I know there's a lot of things I like doing but when I think about doing them I feel bad about it. As I don't want to be like their mother who puts her needs first.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tomas said:


> OK so this women is getting on my nerves I don't know why she does this but once in a while she'll do something like she just did 10min ago. She'll send me a text like the one she just sent right now. This is what she texted me:
> 
> Hey Tomas...
> 
> ...


Ignore any and all texts that don't involve the kids, including the "Hey Tomas" texts. Stop taking the bait.

If she calls (and doesn't have the kids w/ her), ignore it and let it go to voice mail.

Have you filed for divorce yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tomas said:


> I know there's a lot of things I like doing but when I think about doing them I feel bad about it. As I don't want to be like their mother who puts her needs first.


If you DON'T start doing some of the stuff you need to, for YOU, you WILL end up in a worse place than you are now. You will NOT be there for your girls if you have a nervous breakdown or something!!

So answer my question. What do you like doing? What will you put on your to do list?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Think of it this way. You eat food, right? The food nourishes your body. If you stopped eating you would die. It's the same thing with recharging your mental batteries. You have to provide nourishment for your mental faculties. If you don't, they will let you down at some point. Right now you're taking and taking and taking from them, and not putting anything back. You're depleting them. You can NOT keep doing that without dire consequences. And you can NOT be there for your girls if your mental acuity is compromised. You just can't.

It's like moms who take bubble baths. I did. Still do, even though my kids have all grown. It's ME time to relax and unwind.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tomas said:


> Hey guys. Woke up feeling like crap today. I have court tomorrow. For some reason I haven't been able to get over the feeling of being a failure. A failure in my marriage and how bad this is affecting my daughter's. It seems like the mental torture on myself gets worse everyday. I no longer miss her or want her back or would ever consider taking her back. Its just the mental abuse she left on me haunts me everyday, the things she said about me left my self esteem through the floor.


Look at what she has done. Look at what she is doing and who with. Consider the source. Nothing that comes out of her mouth should you believe. She lies, she is selfish, she hangs out with trash. You should be more worried if she actually said something nice.

It no fault of yours that you believed in her. That she isn't worthy of ou or your kids is obvious.

If you can, get some counseling. Many churches offer free counseling.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas..... Did you notice every single thing your STBXW said great about the AP.... was the same things

she liked about you? She is turning (or trying to) the AP into what you were (in her mind).

We call that the Florence Nightingale mentality... "oh... I can change him" just like when you see

a Mr. Fixer / Mr NiceGuy / KISA "oh.... I can save her... the damsel in distress"

Doesn't take you long to realize.... these ideas fail 98% of the time. Some sooner, some later.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Hello everybody. Well it's been a while since I have been on. I now have 50/50 custody of my daughter's. My divorce is still not done. Anyways, I'm feeling like crap today. Long story short my ex wife came back about a little bit over a month ago and I know you guys probably already know what she said. The usual I'm sorry and I was the stupidest woman ever to have left you and I will do anything to get you back and we'll honestly I guess she's the best actor I kinda wanted to believe her but I know the way she is so I tried not to get my hopes up. Well she actually looked like she was honest and trying, used the girls as leverage, finally started saying nice things about me, everything was going smooth I told her I would try and see what happens but that I wasn't calling the divorce off. Well last night we had a talk and it had been about 3 days since we haven't spoken to each other and out of nowhere she comes back different, the I want to see you happy and I don't think it's right what I'm doing to you of how I just left with another man and now I'm back! I'm like what the hell is wrong with you ,how do you have the mentality to feel one way one day and switch it off the next! I mean I guess I expected this coming but how can she do this type of stuff to our girls, the only reason I was giving a second thought was because of them , now I feel exactly how I felt when all this started. I feel horrible.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I should of listened to you chuck everything you have been telling me has been right on the bulls eye. I just can't believe how these sort of people can do stuff like this, I just don't understand. Now I'm left feeling like crap again. Only difference is this time I didn't cry and chase after her like my old self would of.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> I'm like what the hell is wrong with you ,*how do you have the mentality to feel one way one day and switch it off the next*! I mean I guess I expected this coming but* how can she do this type of stuff* to our girls, the only reason I was giving a second thought was because of them , now I feel exactly how I felt when all this started. I feel horrible.


She is not who you think she is. Why don't you understand there is something wrong with her? You need to come to grips with either she has some degree of a personality disorder or (on the nicer side) she's just not a mature enough individual to be part of a committed relationship. Until you do, you will allow yourself, your children and your emotions to be sucked into her destructive unstable life and all of you will pay for it. 

On the brighter side, @Tomas, you are starting to get it. 

Character Disorders and Relationships

The 10 Personality Disorders

Best


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

This woman is giving me headaches, sometimes I feel like slapping some sense into her.she is so frustrating it's amazing how she has the ability to change any situation into its your fault I did it! Just last night when we were talking she threw it in my face it's your fault I went with someone else, you should of paid more attention to me, bought me flowers, left me love notes,suprise gifts, a kiss on the forehead, tell me how beautiful I am everyday! It's like she turned everything on me! I told her if I recall your the one that use to put me down and as usual she denied it. God, I think this woman does have mental problems . I told her if I'm that bad guy then why in the hell are you trying to get back with me! I'm sorry Its just that now most of the time I think about the way she thinks it gets me so angry


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I'm just so sad all of this has just left me so joyless, I love my girls with all my heart and it hurts so much that they are going through this, I thought maybe I could fix it , but it seems she's still the same person. I find myself miserable almost every day, I find it hard to have fun with my girls, it seems that I have no joy left in me. Sometimes I feel like if I was rich and could take them with me to some other place and start over everything would be great. Some place where she couldn't bother us. I know she's the mother of my children it just seems she does more harm than good


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tomas said:


> This woman is giving me headaches, sometimes I feel like slapping some sense into her.she is so frustrating it's amazing how she has the ability to change any situation into its your fault I did it! Just last night when we were talking she threw it in my face it's your fault I went with someone else, you should of paid more attention to me, bought me flowers, left me love notes,suprise gifts, a kiss on the forehead, tell me how beautiful I am everyday! It's like she turned everything on me! I told her if I recall your the one that use to put me down and as usual she denied it. God, I think this woman does have mental problems . I told her if I'm that bad guy then why in the hell are you trying to get back with me! I'm sorry Its just that now most of the time I think about the way she thinks it gets me so angry


That's funny, because I would suspect most posters feel like doing that to you. 

Focus less on controlling her, and focus more on controlling yourself.

You are where you are because you have chosen to be. When she left you, that was on her. When you chose to take her back, that was solely on your shoulders.

Failing to have the discipline to do what you know needs to be done will prolong your healing. Rip off the Band-Aid.

Better yet, since Chuck has seemed to have this nailed, why don't you listen to what he has to tell you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> I'm just so sad all of this has just left me so joyless, I love my girls with all my heart and it hurts so much that they are going through this, I thought maybe I could fix it , but it seems she's still the same person. I find myself miserable almost every day, I find it hard to have fun with my girls, it seems that I have no joy left in me. Sometimes I feel like if I was rich and could take them with me to some other place and start over everything would be great. Some place where she couldn't bother us. I know she's the mother of my children it just seems she does more harm than good


Your life is up to you. She has told you and shown you who she is. If you start believing her and hold a hard 180 you'll get there. Staying as the "woe is me" victim will just keep you in limbo. Wake up!!!

You can to this as many others have. Start putting good advice you're getting in practice. You have zero future with this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You were Plan B and fell for it. Now she's comfortable again and so the real her is back. Guess what that will eventually do to your girls?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> This woman is giving me headaches, sometimes I feel like slapping some sense into her.she is so frustrating it's amazing how she has the ability to change any situation into its your fault I did it! Just last night when we were talking she threw it in my face it's your fault I went with someone else, you should of paid more attention to me, bought me flowers, left me love notes,suprise gifts, a kiss on the forehead, tell me how beautiful I am everyday! It's like she turned everything on me! I told her if I recall your the one that use to put me down and as usual she denied it. God, I think this woman does have mental problems . I told her if I'm that bad guy then why in the hell are you trying to get back with me! I'm sorry Its just that now most of the time I think about the way she thinks it gets me so angry


Tomas..... :smthumbup: WTF you been hiding? So she bandaged herself up all purty,

just for you. Didn't take long for them to fall off huh? Full steam ahead with the D. Accept nothing

less than 50 / 50 custody. Tomas... what is the child support arrangement? You should run

from her, leave skid marks in the driveway. You know why you feel so gloom and doom.... YOU

allowed HER to beat you down over the years. She has you convinced you could be with

a 27 y/o super hottie, millionaire, who worships the ground you walk on... but you'd be miserable.

You'd rather return to the lying, cheating, manipulating, controlling land beast....

you call your "wife." Dude... she ain't no wife, not even in the ball park. You will never heal

and work on you until you separate yourself from her green slime. Your girls will benefit from

this. They want a healthy and strong father, to model how a man should act. They will seek out

this type of man when they become older. 

Tomas.... how did she still get 50 / 50 custody when she virtually abandoned them? 

Document her interaction with the girls. ......Tomas.... get a D finalized. This is #1 priority.

THEN...... THEN... if she wants to "still" try to slither back in, at least then you have leverage.

The M has been dead, kill the damn thing. After you D.... watch what she DOES, not what she SAYS.

Like any other time.... she will show you who she really is. Oh... and when she realizes you 

have moved on, be ready.... she will try to get -in your head- through the kids. 

Keep a detailed chart of her attendance with the girls. Not if... but when... she runs off with her

next fantasy boy-toy, you can get full custody or at least majority. Why? To punish her?

NO....for the well-being of your girls. Do they need a female role model like her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tomas said:


> it's amazing how she has the ability to change any situation into its your fault I did it! Just last night when we were talking she threw it in my face it's your fault I went with someone else, you should of paid more attention to me, bought me flowers, left me love notes,suprise gifts, a kiss on the forehead, tell me how beautiful I am everyday! It's like she turned everything on me!


Nah, this just proves that 3 days ago she was lying to your face. Telling you what she figured out would get you to kiss her ass. Didn't mean a single word of it. Just USED YOU. As usual.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> I should of listened to you chuck everything you have been telling me has been right on the bulls eye. I just can't believe how these sort of people can do stuff like this, I just don't understand. Now I'm left feeling like crap again. Only difference is this time I didn't cry and chase after her like my old self would of.


What's amazing is that you fell for it AGAIN. You're gonna get dizzy on the infidelity merrygoround.

This one is all on you. Hate to say it but you deserved it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> What's amazing is that you fell for it AGAIN. You're gonna get dizzy on the infidelity merrygoround.
> 
> This one is all on you. Hate to say it but you deserved it.


This is just so mean. He does not deserve this. He should have seen it coming, but that doesn't mean he should be treated badly.

It's not too late to throw her out and get on with your life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tomas said:


> I'm just so sad all of this has just left me so joyless, I love my girls with all my heart and it hurts so much that they are going through this, I thought maybe I could fix it , but it seems she's still the same person. I find myself miserable almost every day, I find it hard to have fun with my girls, it seems that I have no joy left in me. Sometimes I feel like if I was rich and could take them with me to some other place and start over everything would be great. Some place where she couldn't bother us. I know she's the mother of my children it just seems she does more harm than good


Tomas....

In the words of the wise sage Ron White....

"Ye caint fix stoopid...."

Ditch her and move on. Tolerate her only as much as you have to.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Hey, Chuck. Nice hearing from you!
Haha chuck you were right about her and other man. Guess what he wasn't what she expected. Yup turned out to be an abusive drunk type. Guess all the romantic stuff went out the door. She went crazy when she found out their was another woman after me, she even saw me with her, but I just have her as a friend I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship or start dating. I feel like I need time to find myself and start doing things I like doing. Start being myself again. It just feels like I'm miserable most of the time I just don't show it. It's not so much because of her not being with me anymore, I guess some times I just get lonely. Maybe I just need to get out and have some fun when my girls aren't with me. It feels like i haven't laughed or been myself in years.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > This woman is giving me headaches, sometimes I feel like slapping some sense into her.she is so frustrating it's amazing how she has the ability to change any situation into its your fault I did it! Just last night when we were talking she threw it in my face it's your fault I went with someone else, you should of paid more attention to me, bought me flowers, left me love notes,suprise gifts, a kiss on the forehead, tell me how beautiful I am everyday! It's like she turned everything on me! I told her if I recall your the one that use to put me down and as usual she denied it. God, I think this woman does have mental problems . I told her if I'm that bad guy then why in the hell are you trying to get back with me! I'm sorry Its just that now most of the time I think about the way she thinks it gets me so angry
> ...


I guess the reason I thought about giving her another chance was for my girls I didn't want them to be exposed to these loser men , she probably dates. I do see now that I don't think she's right in the head, after talking to her that night for some reason she has this ideas that men have to be like in those romantic movies like twilight ...if that makes sense to you guys. She snapped at me because she said I wasn't being romantic with her. I was like seriously expect me to be that way with you after all the crap you put me and my girls though. I told her, I told you I need time and another thing I'm not the one trying to win you back, do you know how hard all this is. Man! If it wasn't for my girls I would of never ever talked to her again.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> I guess the reason I thought about giving her another chance was for my girls I didn't want them to be exposed to these loser men , she probably dates. I do see now that I don't think she's right in the head, after talking to her that night for some reason she has this ideas that men have to be like in those romantic movies like twilight ...if that makes sense to you guys. She snapped at me because she said I wasn't being romantic with her. I was like seriously expect me to be that way with you after all the crap you put me and my girls though. I told her, I told you I need time and another thing I'm not the one trying to win you back, do you know how hard all this is. Man! If it wasn't for my girls I would of never ever talked to her again.


As RTZ said.... and if you were romancing her.... she would complain she "needed space"

All BS excuses.... To blame you because she just can't "own her POS tendencies" 

Would you feel it would be healthy for your girls to grow up watching a M such as 

you and the land beast's in utter dysfunction?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Hey, Chuck. Nice hearing from you!
> Haha chuck you were right about her and other man. Guess what he wasn't what she expected. Yup turned out to be an abusive drunk type. Guess all the romantic stuff went out the door. She went crazy when she found out their was another woman after me, she even saw me with her, but I just have her as a friend I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship or start dating. I feel like I need time to find myself and start doing things I like doing. Start being myself again. It just feels like I'm miserable most of the time I just don't show it. It's not so much because of her not being with me anymore, I guess some times I just get lonely. Maybe I just need to get out and have some fun when my girls aren't with me. It feels like i haven't laughed or been myself in years.


Granted she robbed you of who you were but.... you allowed her to do that. It's so damn

easy to lose yourself in a LTR or M. You stop having a couple beers with the guys, stop watching

your fav sports team, your hobbies, etc. And it's not like she asked you to stop, you "just do."

You lost who you were, your identity, what makes Tomas... Tomas. The Tomas that is attractive

to other women. But hey... many men do this... and he!!... at first, it seems like a good

idea! Most men can not pinpoint where this becomes more negative than positive.

Most are oblivious until she has lost the respect of her SO. By then... the sheet's about to

hit the fan or already has.

Example... I am almost certain I went through a period of depression spanning about 12-18 months. I was never diagnosed but... I knew. I pretty much lost who I was, my focus, my edge. Bet the farm my XW noticed it. One of my passions is... fooling with baseball cards. I have fooled with them for the better part of 35+ years.

Some people golf, others run a line up their nose... this is my rush. I even stopped that during not only the 12-18 month span but awhile before too. Longtime male friends who I trade with... noticed. He!! a BFF female friend did... what's that say?! Communication between the W and I was very poor, call it mutual standoffs. She retreated to her corner of the house with her family size bag of chips and salt containers and her dogs....and I to the other with my laptop and Scotch.

It wasn't all bad.... that's when I started writing novels. Some escape into a bottle, I guess I escaped into my characters in the books. The main character in the first book of my trilogy was ages 15-19. Ahhh... I went back in time I guess. Granted... W and I had some really great moments the last year we were M... just not like in the past.

I felt I was starting to climb out of that hole in May '12. Roughly five months later.... my DDay. Did it still hurt... oh yeah...a lot. But I was able to angle myself better going in. Reason I was ready to grieve, drop down the rabbit hole so quick and come out as quick. A few weeks after coming out of that dark place, I stepped into the light.... and that was pretty much, "all she wrote."

She wanted us to go out, talk, wanted us to R but never flat out said it (wanted me to take the lead after she crapped all over the bed sheets), tried to pull me back in every way imaginable. I never looked back. Doesn't mean she didn't try again... the next year ('14), and in '15, '16, '17. 

Tomas... what I'm saying is.... after the D is final, she will most likely move on to another guy. They will be short lived. Every time they end... she will make a play on you. If she is still in a dead end LTR, she may contact you then too. She has an advantage.... the kids. You HAVE to talk to her and as you can see, she will play with your emotions, through the kids. You have 5-8 more years of her to deal with..... LOL. When your girls are 14-15, they will deal with their mom directly. And then... Tomas, you will be "free."

Don't feel bad Tomas... most disordered women are great in bed... they have to be to hide all those red flags. Course you had no idea you signed up for the BSC too. You by no means.... are alone.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Hey, Chuck. Nice hearing from you!
> ...



You are right as usual Chuck, everything you say about her on what she did and what she is already doing again, it's like your reading my life story. I'm no longer worrying so much about what she's doing..I pretty much know how she's going to end up, I hope I'm wrong. For my girls sake, I hope she does good in life. But I just know she's going to need my help down the road. Her whole family is a mess, I just don't know if I should help when the time comes. I just hate that I have too because I always feel bad for my girls.

At this point I'm more worried about myself now. I do feel like I'm in a sort of depression. I don't have much friends because I was always dedicated to my family. I mean I don't even know what i like doing anymore.. sometimes I feel happy and excited about a new start, but don't know where to begin, theirs times where I'm eating at restaurant or out some other place and I meet some interesting woman and just feel like asking them out, not on a romantic date but more like hey ! Want to go out and do something fun...like an amusement park or something like that. Somewhere where I can have fun... Where I can have a good old laugh.. lol. I haven't had one in a while that I forgot what it's like. But, then again I wouldn't even know how to act or be ..I don't even remember the old me. I know someone on here will tell me, you need to spend time by yourself first..but I feel like I've been alone for years.. I don't know I just need to figure out how to crawl out of this depression


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> You are right as usual Chuck, everything you say about her on what she did and what she is already doing again, it's like your reading my life story. I'm no longer worrying so much about what she's doing..I pretty much know how she's going to end up, I hope I'm wrong. For my girls sake, I hope she does good in life. But I just know she's going to need my help down the road. Her whole family is a mess, I just don't know if I should help when the time comes. I just hate that I have too because I always feel bad for my girls.
> 
> At this point I'm more worried about myself now. I do feel like I'm in a sort of depression. I don't have much friends because I was always dedicated to my family. I mean I don't even know what i like doing anymore.. sometimes I feel happy and excited about a new start, but don't know where to begin, theirs times where I'm eating at restaurant or out some other place and I meet some interesting woman and just feel like asking them out, not on a romantic date but more like hey ! Want to go out and do something fun...like an amusement park or something like that. Somewhere where I can have fun... Where I can have a good old laugh.. lol. I haven't had one in a while that I forgot what it's like. But, then again I wouldn't even know how to act or be ..I don't even remember the old me. I know someone on here will tell me, you need to spend time by yourself first..but I feel like I've been alone for years.. I don't know I just need to figure out how to crawl out of this depression


Like Bon Jovi sang in 1989 -we're together but alone- I completely get that.

You can have fun with 1-alone, 2-your girls, 3-a female, 4-the guys. It's easy but you are now "out of

your comfort zone." This is very common. Tomas.... What are your hobbies?

On the depression... I've had it, I had it bad as a teen too but I have always felt part of it was due

to my medication, tegretal. It was not classified as a depressant but by sheet it

gave me more blues than Muddy Waters. Talk to your doctor and be honest with him / her.

If you don't have health coverage, go to the local health department. Depression can get a grip

on you and it will not let go... been there. About your STBXW... I know part of you will always

love her. I GET that... he!! I still love "who my XW WAS".... I care zero for who she turned into.

Your STBXW has issues, her family has issues, that is NOT your problem. I asked myself the EXACT 

question right around my D. I think it was in my first post of Crossroads II. My XW needed help and I

said I do hope she seeks that help out. But she is an adult and knows how to seek it. And she is NOT 

my responsibility any longer. Tomas... your STBX poor mouths you on her family, her own issues,

the kids, etc etc etc... she's trying to pull your wanker more than a Roman bath house on dime 

bear night. LET HER OWN IT. That is the ONLY way she can ever recover. She never believed you

would follow through with the D because you probably threatened leaving her in the past.

Remember the fable about the boy who cried wolf? When you become serious about your 

actions and follow through.... she will then, take you seriously. And respect you a LOT more.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tomas it is ok to feel the way you do and to feel miserable. It will pass. Just don't let her know you are miserable. When she is around act happy, aloof and enthusiastic. Do the 180 with a vengeance.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tomas said:


> This woman is giving me headaches, sometimes I feel like slapping some sense into her.she is so frustrating it's amazing how she has the ability to change any situation into its your fault I did it! Just last night when we were talking she threw it in my face it's your fault I went with someone else, you should of paid more attention to me, bought me flowers, left me love notes,suprise gifts, a kiss on the forehead, tell me how beautiful I am everyday! It's like she turned everything on me! I told her if I recall your the one that use to put me down and as usual she denied it. God, I think this woman does have mental problems . I told her if I'm that bad guy then why in the hell are you trying to get back with me! I'm sorry Its just that now most of the time I think about the way she thinks it gets me so angry


There's an acronym for it.

That acronym is DARVO


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender."


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Granted she robbed you of who you were but.... you allowed her to do that. It's so damn

easy to lose yourself in a LTR or M. You stop having a couple beers with the guys, stop watching

your fav sports team, your hobbies, etc. And it's not like she asked you to stop, you "just do."

You lost who you were, your identity, what makes Tomas... Tomas. The Tomas that is attractive

to other women. But hey... many men do this... and he!!... at first, it seems like a good

idea! Most men can not pinpoint where this becomes more negative than positive.

Most are oblivious until she has lost the respect of her SO. By then... the sheet's about to

hit the fan or already has.

Example... I am almost certain I went through a period of depression spanning about 12-18 months. I was never diagnosed but... I knew. I pretty much lost who I was, my focus, my edge. Bet the farm my XW noticed it. One of my passions is... fooling with baseball cards. I have fooled with them for the better part of 35+ years.

Some people golf, others run a line up their nose... this is my rush. I even stopped that during not only the 12-18 month span but awhile before too. Longtime male friends who I trade with... noticed. He!! a BFF female friend did... what's that say?! Communication between the W and I was very poor, call it mutual standoffs. She retreated to her corner of the house with her family size bag of chips and salt containers and her dogs....and I to the other with my laptop and Scotch.

It wasn't all bad.... that's when I started writing novels. Some escape into a bottle, I guess I escaped into my characters in the books. The main character in the first book of my trilogy was ages 15-19. Ahhh... I went back in time I guess. Granted... W and I had some really great moments the last year we were M... just not like in the past.

I felt I was starting to climb out of that hole in May '12. Roughly five months later.... my DDay. Did it still hurt... oh yeah...a lot. But I was able to angle myself better going in. Reason I was ready to grieve, drop down the rabbit hole so quick and come out as quick. A few weeks after coming out of that dark place, I stepped into the light.... and that was pretty much, "all she wrote."

She wanted us to go out, talk, wanted us to R but never flat out said it (wanted me to take the lead after she crapped all over the bed sheets), tried to pull me back in every way imaginable. I never looked back. Doesn't mean she didn't try again... the next year ('14), and in '15, '16, '17. 

Tomas... what I'm saying is.... after the D is final, she will most likely move on to another guy. They will be short lived. Every time they end... she will make a play on you. If she is still in a dead end LTR, she may contact you then too. She has an advantage.... the kids. You HAVE to talk to her and as you can see, she will play with your emotions, through the kids. You have 5-8 more years of her to deal with..... LOL. When your girls are 14-15, they will deal with their mom directly. And then... Tomas, you will be "free."

Don't feel bad Tomas... most disordered women are great in bed... they have to be to hide all those red flags. Course you had no idea you signed up for the BSC too. You by no means.... are alone.[/QUOTE]

So it's been a couple of weeks and I've been analyzing myself. Seeing what makes me happy and I've realized that through all these years I did loose myself and completely forgot what I enjoyed doing. Your right Chuck she lost respect and the attraction she felt for me because I lost myself. I did notice that when she sees I'm doing good it grabs her attention right away. If she sees I'm happy she will ask what are you smiling about so much. I'll just answer with what I can't be happy. I guess it catches her of guard and she's not use to seeing me that way. Anyways I come to realize that she's the one that made me unhappy always scared of making her unhappy or trying my hardest to live up to her expectations and her not valuing anything about me. Instead putting me down with the I don't find you attractive or your boring b.s. 

Well I've been working out and it's starting to feel good, I've been having fun with my girls and it feels good it's like I'm learning to enjoy myself again. My daughter have even told me that their mom is boring and never does anything fun with them. She tells me I'm tired of asking her to do stuff with us,she always makes excuses not to do anything. If were at the park she just sits and reads her books. I'm not going to lie but it does make me feel good that they have fun with me. Past week ago I went on a urban exploration with a nephew of mine we had a blast. It felt good to do something I like doing. However I still feel that I can't be myself around females I guess I'm scared of being myself and being judged or something like that, I guess I owe that to my stbxw and as usual she starting to put me down again but I learned to ignore her and give her the I don't give a crap what you think, she thinks I don't see that she's trying to hold me down so I can be a back up. 
Anyways I've kept myself from women partly because I wanted to try and find out the things I like doing and just learn to be myself and laugh. Here's the thing theirs been this female friend that I met a couple months ago and she always tries to find a way to ask me out somewhere or use anything to try and give me hints she wants me to take her out. We just for now talk on the phone and text, she always laughs at the things I say and always happy to hear from me as she knows what I'm going through and I've made it clear that I'm not ready or looking for a relationship. She says she understands and to be honest she's even hinted towards a friends with benefits thing. What do you think should I go for it? Will it help me move on quicker. I have been honest with her and says she understands and says she had just likes how I am and thinks it will benefit us both as she also doesn't go out much.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > You are right as usual Chuck, everything you say about her on what she did and what she is already doing again, it's like your reading my life story. I'm no longer worrying so much about what she's doing..I pretty much know how she's going to end up, I hope I'm wrong. For my girls sake, I hope she does good in life. But I just know she's going to need my help down the road. Her whole family is a mess, I just don't know if I should help when the time comes. I just hate that I have too because I always feel bad for my girls.
> ...



So it's been a couple of weeks and I've been analyzing myself. Seeing what makes me happy and I've realized that through all these years I did loose myself and completely forgot what I enjoyed doing. Your right Chuck she lost respect and the attraction she felt for me because I lost myself. I did notice that when she sees I'm doing good it grabs her attention right away. If she sees I'm happy she will ask what are you smiling about so much. I'll just answer with what I can't be happy. I guess it catches her of guard and she's not use to seeing me that way. Anyways I come to realize that she's the one that made me unhappy always scared of making her unhappy or trying my hardest to live up to her expectations and her not valuing anything about me. Instead putting me down with the I don't find you attractive or your boring b.s. 

Well I've been working out and it's starting to feel good, I've been having fun with my girls and it feels good it's like I'm learning to enjoy myself again. My daughter have even told me that their mom is boring and never does anything fun with them. She tells me I'm tired of asking her to do stuff with us,she always makes excuses not to do anything. If were at the park she just sits and reads her books. I'm not going to lie but it does make me feel good that they have fun with me. Past week ago I went on a urban exploration with a nephew of mine we had a blast. It felt good to do something I like doing. However I still feel that I can't be myself around females I guess I'm scared of being myself and being judged or something like that, I guess I owe that to my stbxw and as usual she starting to put me down again but I learned to ignore her and give her the I don't give a crap what you think, she thinks I don't see that she's trying to hold me down so I can be a back up. 
Anyways I've kept myself from women partly because I wanted to try and find out the things I like doing and just learn to be myself and laugh. Here's the thing theirs been this female friend that I met a couple months ago and she always tries to find a way to ask me out somewhere or use anything to try and give me hints she wants me to take her out. We just for now talk on the phone and text, she always laughs at the things I say and always happy to hear from me as she knows what I'm going through and I've made it clear that I'm not ready or looking for a relationship. She says she understands and to be honest she's even hinted towards a friends with benefits thing. What do you think should I go for it? Will it help me move on quicker. I have been honest with her and says she understands and says she had just likes how I am and thinks it will benefit us both as she also doesn't go out much


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would agree but ONLY if you don't see or have sex with or talk to her more than once a week. You know why.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> I would agree but ONLY if you don't see or have sex with or talk to her more than once a week. You know why.


Yeah I think I might need this. I thinking maybe the experience of being with someone else would help. As for the not seeing each other that much, she actually said it was a no pressure thing and said we could see each other only when we both had time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, but do you know WHY to limit to once a week?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> Yes, but do you know WHY to limit to once a week?


I'm thinking it's to keep me from getting attached to her and becoming dependant on her and repeating the whole thing over again as for her it's to keep her from getting attached. Was I right?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> I would agree but ONLY if you don't see or have sex with or talk to her more than once a week. You know why.


Twice a week on special occasions


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tomas said:


> I'm thinking it's to keep me from getting attached to her and becoming dependant on her and repeating the whole thing over again as for her it's to keep her from getting attached. Was I right?


Yes. You are learning, grasshopper. 

Casual dating for about six months before you start getting serious with anyone. Gives you time to see them in good situations and bad ones.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ReturntoZero said:


> Twice a week on special occasions


But not twice a week EVERY week.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you like one, treat the. Like you like them. No rules for goodness sake. Just be mindful that it takes a couple of years to see a person's true self. Enjoy the honeymoon period of the relationship of you find one you think you really like. But remember not to make any permanent plans until it's been quite a while. I suggest 2.5 years. 

Then again, I've gotten attached to the one I dated for a while after my ex. She was perfect the first 16 months, then I started seeing the real her. An exceptional woman, but difficult and sometimes selfish(aren't we all)

Just be careful


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> If you like one, treat the. Like you like them. No rules for goodness sake. Just be mindful that it takes a couple of years to see a person's true self. Enjoy the honeymoon period of the relationship of you find one you think you really like. But remember not to make any permanent plans until it's been quite a while. I suggest 2.5 years.
> 
> Then again, I've gotten attached to the one I dated for a while after my ex. She was perfect the first 16 months, then I started seeing the real her. An exceptional woman, but difficult and sometimes selfish(aren't we all)
> 
> Just be careful


Evinrude, that's why I introduced the 'rule' you refer to - to not see each other more than once a week for at least a few months, so that you DON'T become emotionally attached and throw caution to the wind because it _feels so good_ to keep seeing them more. That's those pesky PEA chemicals that keep people together for a year or three, so they can procreate (caveman stuff), and then the chemicals wear off, as you have experienced, and you're left wondering why you just wasted 16 months on someone who may not even be right for you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

muss out on the "love chemicals"???
I've never thought about that.
Maybe I should. 

I think it's pretty stupid to get married nowadays, anyway. If it weren't for the drugs, I can't imagine anyone doing it....🤓


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas..... you now see no one is responsible for your happiness but YOU. Look at it this way,

thanks to your STBXW.... you know what NOT to look for. Always remember... you are NOT 

responsible for any one else's happiness. See how that worked with your STBXW....

How is the D proceedings going? With your STBXWs past behavior... you may have 50 / 50

now but... chances are you will have them much more. STBXW will hop from OM to OM to OM

until she finds a Mr. Fixer to save her. Or a guy who beats the living sheet out of her.

Recommend to the judge your concerns about her "OM" choices, being it will impact the lives 

of your girls. As for the female friend... does she have kids? Plan a group activity, keep it friendly.

How long have you known her? Having a FWB with her can push you forward or set you back....

only you know the answer. If you have not worked on yourself, you will revert back to your

behavior which you had with your STBXW. Oh... it will be peaches n roses at first.... then....

yeah... you become a pleaser and she loses respect. You traveled that road once, and that is more

than enough. If you have no emotions for her, inform her, see how she feels, and if agreement....

have a FWB. But most FWB end up blowing up because one person ends up getting invested, and hurt.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> If you like one, treat the. Like you like them. No rules for goodness sake. Just be mindful that it takes a couple of years to see a person's true self. Enjoy the honeymoon period of the relationship of you find one you think you really like. But remember not to make any permanent plans until it's been quite a while. I suggest 2.5 years.
> 
> Then again, I've gotten attached to the one I dated for a while after my ex. She was perfect the first 16 months, then I started seeing the real her. An exceptional woman, but difficult and sometimes selfish(aren't we all)
> 
> Just be careful


Are you still keeping the Russian nightmare in your rear view mirror?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > I'm thinking it's to keep me from getting attached to her and becoming dependant on her and repeating the whole thing over again as for her it's to keep her from getting attached. Was I right?
> ...


Yes, I told her that I just wanted to go out as friends and just have fun.b nothing serious as that was not what I was looking for at the moment, I let her know that my girls take up all my time and they are my priority for now. Too be honest she was the first woman to notice me a few months ago and it actually felt good I didn't think women found me attractive as that is how my xw left me feeling. So I made everything clear to her as I don't want to hurt her or make her feel that I'm using her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Yes, I told her that I just wanted to go out as friends and just have fun.b *nothing serious as that was not what I was looking for at the moment, I let her know that my girls take up all my time and they are my priority for now*. Too be honest she was the first woman to notice me a few months ago and it actually felt good I didn't think women found me attractive as that is how my xw left me feeling. So I made everything clear to her as I don't want to hurt her or make her feel that I'm using her.


You do know that attracts the living sheet out of a female when she sees a man with

his priorities together.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, I told her that I just wanted to go out as friends and just have fun.b *nothing serious as that was not what I was looking for at the moment, I let her know that my girls take up all my time and they are my priority for now*. Too be honest she was the first woman to notice me a few months ago and it actually felt good I didn't think women found me attractive as that is how my xw left me feeling. So I made everything clear to her as I don't want to hurt her or make her feel that I'm using her.
> ...


Haha! Chuck right as usual. I think that's why she's attracted. She's pretty persistent and yeah she has a four year old daughter. She even uses that as a way to try and sneek out a sort of date.  
I told her first I wanted to go out just the 2 of us as I needed to have fun without the girls and I didn't want my girls meeting anyone and them thinking I was looking for someone else. I want them to have time to heal a bit.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Evinrude58 said:
> 
> 
> > If you like one, treat the. Like you like them. No rules for goodness sake. Just be mindful that it takes a couple of years to see a person's true self. Enjoy the honeymoon period of the relationship of you find one you think you really like. But remember not to make any permanent plans until it's been quite a while. I suggest 2.5 years.
> ...


As for the xw. I've come to realize she thinks she can control me or that for some reason I believe everything she still says. One day she'll be like I still love you... Send me random messages like just a few minutes. Something dumb about her day, like I care or something... Then some days she'll completely switch to the opposite. Sometimes I'll reply like I did tonight like "who are you talking to" if you want to speak with your daughter she's already asleep! She answered I'm talking to you... I answered with im not U I'm Tomas! Bye. I'm getting to the point where I don't really care about anything she does anymore i sometimes feel like stop texting me so I don't really answer her calls or texts they just bug me. I'm getting to the point where I frankly don't really care about her issues or drama, she can give it to the next lucky guy.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> Evinrude58 said:
> 
> 
> > If you like one, treat the. Like you like them. No rules for goodness sake. Just be mindful that it takes a couple of years to see a person's true self. Enjoy the honeymoon period of the relationship of you find one you think you really like. But remember not to make any permanent plans until it's been quite a while. I suggest 2.5 years.
> ...


Thanks Turnera I'm starting to learn it's better to listen to you guys and gals.thats why I keep coming back for advice. You all are great help. Im still trying to get through this and TAM is making it much better. it helps clear my mind when I'm feeling low or about to make a bad decision. Thanks


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas.... I think you are now realizing... during your M, she knew good and well she could push

your buttons. Hence RTZs "DARVO" ....If you so as much called her on her BS, DARVO and before you 

knew it, YOU were apologizing to HER. And if that didn't work... she'd just flop out that vagina

and make it "all better." Most guys never get that part, I was blessed... my pop warned me of

this tactic when I was a teen. This all comes back to setting your boundaries and remaining in 

control of your emotions. When you take that away... your "opponent" has no ammunition 

and you see them for "exactly who they are." My love interest from 2016 just tried that 

with me. DC told me, "I got a job offer in (city 150 miles away) and I am going to take it.... unless

you tell me not to. Give me a reason to stay." We had not spoken a word in over four months.

She wanted me to tell her to stay.... and re-kindle what we had last year. 1-Her job choice, her decision,

2-We are not together, why are you asking me?, 3-HAD I said stay, guess who she would have blamed 

for "holding her back," 4-This EXACT scenario was played out in one of my novels, written five years prior...

and he told her to take the scholarship. 5-I would have had more sex than a porn star for a few months,

but isn't that compromising my boundaries? I wished her well.... and told her I was busy.

DC cried and left. Way things go. Sometimes "you have to lose..... to win."

About the new female friend.... are you attracted to her or just blown away she is showing you 

attention..... after your STBXW tore you down and emasculated you? If you have a FWB with her

just to boost your ego... at least tell her. She may really want something serious with you...

and is willing to be patient until you get past the D. A healthy woman will tolerate a lot of 

crap if you are honest with them. If you half-a$$ the truth / feelings with them, they can sniff it

a mile away and will detach. If you like her... just be honest. "Hurt me with the truth rather than BS

me with a lie."


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas.... I think you are now realizing... during your M, she knew good and well she could push
> 
> your buttons. Hence RTZs "DARVO" ....If you so as much called her on her BS, DARVO and before you
> 
> ...


Hey Chuck. That's pretty much how it went down with the xw. She did or said something stupid I had to end up apologizing even though I knew she was wrong. She just always wanted things her way and made me feel guilty, and if that didn't work she did end up using the sex. Now that I think about it,towards the end I didn't really think I longer enjoyed it. I was physically attracted to her as I always had been , but there was no longer that connection I felt before. I got tired of having to just kinda beg or have it when she wanted. It was rare when she would go after me and if she did I felt like she was doing it to try and hide something. The few times I have to see her now , it's like I'm starting to no longer even see the physical attraction I had for her before.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas.... I think you are now realizing... during your M, she knew good and well she could push
> 
> your buttons. Hence RTZs "DARVO" ....If you so as much called her on her BS, DARVO and before you
> 
> ...



As for the female friend. Yes, she is attractive. But to be honest i dont think we are that compatible. Yes, we talk on the phone, text each other and she always laughs at the things i say. We actually have some meaningful conversation. She understands me and actually listens to what i have to say. I listen to her and answer her honestly and im never afraid not to agree with her if she says something i dont like. I figure what do i have to loose if she gets mad, im no longer gonna tell people what they want to hear. She says thats why she likes speaking with me because im not afraid to speak my mind and we can actually have meaningful conversations. Yet, i feel we are not compatible because i have different goals in life that i have thought about through this time ive been alone. Things i want to accomplish that will make me happy. I have told her this and that i dont want to be in a serious relationship and just looking to make friends at the moment and that my girls are my priorty. 
She also told me that she's looking for the same thing but part of me doesn't believe her. I don't know maybe its just me being afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I guess what makes me feel that way and insecure is all the negative things my Xw said about me. I mean I'm probably more scared of the sexual part thats why I've been putting it off and trying to avoid going out with her. I have also tought about the group thing with my daughter's and her daughter. She has even suggested it since i keep trying to put off a date. Honestly i just don't want to bring my daughter's around women yet. I dont want to put them through that or get attached to her. I mean i would probably want to date a woman for at least 6 months before even considering it. Does that sound like the right thing to do? 
I do feel that i need to get out and experience things as sometimes i do feel like im about to pop and definitely need this.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

It's partly your insecurity to leave your comfort zone and partly her "telling you what you want

to hear." Granted.... she may be completely honest that she likes everything about you but...

how often do we hear that and.... years later -I hated it when you.....- And you stand there

thinking 'well sheet, you said you loved that about me then'

But here are two points.... you are looking at you and her as a long term item, which is scaring you.

STOP IT! If you like her, DATE her... don't go picking out wallpaper or curtains anytime soon. You are

friends, yes friends do date. You aren't even ready for a damn LTR... you're not D yet.

And your STBXW is far from done causing you drama, bet your farm and mine too on that.

Another reason to just go the friends route first is.... if you and her hang out, the kids will be involved.

If you're just friends... no worries about your girls meeting her. If you do the friend thing.....

and you do begin dating.... let it happen naturally. It is very healthy and usually has a much

better chance of lasting.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Well just when things seem to be getting better, somehow something seems to knock me back down. 

I got a call from my youngest daughter's kindergarten teacher telling me that my daughter had a problem with a classmate and was not acting her usual self and also when they were making mother's day presents my daughter didn't want to make one. The teacher asked why and she said because she doesn't have one. It breaks my heart that my daughter's are going through this. To top it off my stbxw isn't making things any better. She was trying to reconcile for almost a month, telling me she was sorry she ever left me and she was stupid as sheet for doing what she did and basically trying to take everything back she ever said bad about me. Of course I didn't believe her, but God she is a great actor that if I didn't know her I would believe her. She almost had me convinced but I knew It wasn't really and what do you know a few days ago , completely flips everything around on me again saying " your not going anywhere, I'm not attracted to you I guess!" I mean after saying I love you, I was stupid! 
I'm just trying to understand what goes through her mind? Seriously. I'm just sick and tired of her bs. It's like if she sees me happy or she thinks I'm with someone she does, this. She did see me once with my female friend I've been talking about and she tried to get me to confess if she was my Gf. When is she going to stop this? How can she just go from man to man. Guys probably just use her and that's it. She still has that I want to find a man that loves me and opens doors for me, writes me love messages once in awhile, just little surprises. I'm thinking you did have one! I'm just emotionally tired... I feel so bad my girls have to go through this, that's what gets to me every day. It's seems these types of women never find what there looking for or let the other person be happy.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I'm sorry. It's just this is the only place I can find to express what I'm feeling. I always felt alone through my M always worried about not doing something right or doing something wrong. Always being pressured. Always getting asked to do this do that, being told I'm not romantic enough. Seems like everything I did was wrong and somehow I didn't get much in return, even the sex most of the time felt kind of forced like I had to work for it or something like that. There were times that it was good but I guess it was only when she wanted it bad.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a great novel I just read that dealt with a woman like that. It got pretty deep into her thought processes; might help you.

https://www.robertbparker.net/book-display.php?ISBN=0606200983


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> Well just when things seem to be getting better, somehow something seems to knock me back down.
> 
> I got a call from my youngest daughter's kindergarten teacher telling me that my daughter had a problem with a classmate and was not acting her usual self and also when they were making mother's day presents my daughter didn't want to make one. The teacher asked why and she said because she doesn't have one. It breaks my heart that my daughter's are going through this. To top it off my stbxw isn't making things any better. She was trying to reconcile for almost a month, telling me she was sorry she ever left me and she was stupid as sheet for doing what she did and basically trying to take everything back shed ever said bad about me. Of course I didn't believe her, but God she is a great actor that if I didn't know her I would believe her. She almost had me convinced but I knew It wasn't really and what do you know a few days ago , completely flips everything around on me again saying " your not going anywhere, I'm not attracted to you I guess!" I mean after saying I love you, I was stupid!
> *I'm just trying to understand what goes through her mind? Seriously. I'm just sick and tired of her bs. It's like if she sees me happy or she thinks I'm with someone she does, this. She did see me once with my female friend I've been talking about and she tried to get me to confess if she was my Gf. When is she going to stop this? How can she just go from man to man. Guys probably just use her and that's it. She still has that I want to find a man that loves me and opens doors for me, writes me love messages once in awhile, just little surprises. *I'm thinking you did have one! I'm just emotionally tired... I feel so bad my girls have to go through this, that's what gets to me every day. It's seems these types of women never find what there looking for or let the other person be happy.


You control your phone and yourself not her. Why are you engaging?

Any texts not about kids ignore and delete. Never answer her phone calls direct. Let them go to voicemail. If they're about the kids text a short message back. Never call her.

On pick ups and drops offs it should be a 5 minute exercise. Zero engagement. 

Never let her in you home. 

It's not written anywhere that you can't ignore her. Quit being your own worst enemy here.

Others get this done and so could you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tomas said:


> As for the female friend. Yes, she is attractive. But to be honest i dont think we are that compatible. Yes, we talk on the phone, text each other and she always laughs at the things i say. We actually have some meaningful conversation. She understands me and actually listens to what i have to say. I listen to her and answer her honestly and im never afraid not to agree with her if she says something i dont like. I figure what do i have to loose if she gets mad, im no longer gonna tell people what they want to hear. She says thats why she likes speaking with me because im not afraid to speak my mind and we can actually have meaningful conversations. Yet, i feel we are not compatible because i have different goals in life that i have thought about through this time ive been alone. Things i want to accomplish that will make me happy. I have told her this and that i dont want to be in a serious relationship and just looking to make friends at the moment and that my girls are my priorty.
> She also told me that she's looking for the same thing but part of me doesn't believe her. I don't know maybe its just me being afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I guess what makes me feel that way and insecure is all the negative things my Xw said about me. I mean I'm probably more scared of the sexual part thats why I've been putting it off and trying to avoid going out with her. I have also tought about the group thing with my daughter's and her daughter. She has even suggested it since i keep trying to put off a date. Honestly i just don't want to bring my daughter's around women yet. I dont want to put them through that or get attached to her. I mean i would probably want to date a woman for at least 6 months before even considering it. Does that sound like the right thing to do?
> I do feel that i need to get out and experience things as sometimes i do feel like im about to pop and definitely need this.


You sure you don't like this one because there is no drama? She sound normal but the question is are you attracted to that. You need to make sure you picker isn't broken and you are not codependent or you will end up with the same type of women that your ex is. You not cutting your ex's texting off makes me think you still have a lot of work to do. I also think this may be why this seemingly decent chick with good boundaries and a good head on her shoulders scares you or whatever. 

This you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> You control your phone and yourself not her. Why are you engaging?
> 
> Any texts not about kids ignore and delete. Never answer her phone calls direct. Let them go to voicemail. If they're about the kids text a short message back. Never call her.


Better yet there are apps for that so you don't have to engage.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > As for the female friend. Yes, she is attractive. But to be honest i dont think we are that compatible. Yes, we talk on the phone, text each other and she always laughs at the things i say. We actually have some meaningful conversation. She understands me and actually listens to what i have to say. I listen to her and answer her honestly and im never afraid not to agree with her if she says something i dont like. I figure what do i have to loose if she gets mad, im no longer gonna tell people what they want to hear. She says thats why she likes speaking with me because im not afraid to speak my mind and we can actually have meaningful conversations. Yet, i feel we are not compatible because i have different goals in life that i have thought about through this time ive been alone. Things i want to accomplish that will make me happy. I have told her this and that i dont want to be in a serious relationship and just looking to make friends at the moment and that my girls are my priorty.
> ...


Usually when I do engage is when my girls are present. She uses them and puts that sad face on I'm front of my girls and makes me feel bad. I don't want to look heartless in front of my girls. I never text her and if she does text me I keep it simple...answers like yes or no.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tomas said:


> Usually when I do engage is when my girls are present. She uses them and puts that sad face on I'm front of my girls and makes me feel bad. I don't want to look heartless in front of my girls. I never text her and if she does text me I keep it simple...answers like yes or no.


You just said in the last post that she begged you to come back to her. That is not yes or no.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Usually when I do engage is when my girls are present. She uses them and puts that sad face on I'm front of my girls and makes me feel bad. I don't want to look heartless in front of my girls. I never text her and if she does text me I keep it simple...answers like yes or no.
> ...


Yes that's when we spoke in person..when she uses the girls to speak to me. She tells them go tell Dad I need to speak with him and then tells them to give her a minute alone with me. Every time she texts me with something other than having to do with the girls I ignore them. Or if it's about them it's usually a short answer a yes or a no or a ok.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

As for my female friend we don't really talk much about my problems. Just random talk, she usually just ask how's the divorce going every now and then and yes I definitely need to find out if everything is still working believe me I want to. I think the reason I don't go for it is because somehow I feel that I'm betraying my girls or I'm going to let them down. I guess I just don't want them to think I'm doing the same thing their mom did or is doing.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry, a bit confused and need clarification. In April you posted she move back into the house. Is she still living in the house or did I misunderstand? 

At the begining of your thread you wrote she left and moved in with OM leaving you and the girls. How much custody did she have? 

My reading of the your thread suggests she moved out about a year and a half ago. You filed last year and asked for primary custody. The divorce has dragged on and at the current time you have 50/50.
What terms are you asking for and what terms is she? 

Your female friend does your wife know about her?


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Sorry, a bit confused and need clarification. In April you posted she move back into the house. Is she still living in the house or did I misunderstand?
> 
> At the begining of your thread you wrote she left and moved in with OM leaving you and the girls. How much custody did she have?
> 
> ...


It will almost be a year this April. She left and moved in with other man. They split up I believe around October so they only lasted a couple months together. She probably has some one new now. I'm not sure I stopped looking into what she is doing. Part of the reason she got 50/50 was because my girls were devastated that their mom left so I didn't fight hard enough for full custody as I wanted them to see their mother more often. I now regret that. I thought she would change but I doesn't like she will. She cares more about her romances. As your other question she since she left she has never moved back in. She is now living with her father. She also got kicked out from her sister house.

As for the female friend she saw me with her once and when she tried to get me to take her back she kept asking me if I was with her or not. She also kept asking my oldest if I had a GF.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

I'm just going to listen to everyone's advice and stick to it. Next time she tries to talk to me in person I'm just going to act like I didn't hear anything and ignore her, I'm just going to walk away and leave her talking to her self.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You like it when she pursues you.
If she'd stop f'ing and chasing other dudes for a month or two, you'd take her back.

It would probably do you good to have sex with your attractive friend. 
Maybe be then you could let go of the fire you keep burning for your ex.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Well just when things seem to be getting better, somehow something seems to knock me back down.
> 
> I got a call from my youngest daughter's kindergarten teacher telling me that my daughter had a problem with a classmate and was not acting her usual self and also when they were making mother's day presents my daughter didn't want to make one. The teacher asked why and she said because she doesn't have one. It breaks my heart that my daughter's are going through this. To top it off my stbxw isn't making things any better. She was trying to reconcile for almost a month, telling me she was sorry she ever left me and she was stupid as sheet for doing what she did and basically trying to take everything back she ever said bad about me. Of course I didn't believe her, but God she is a great actor that if I didn't know her I would believe her. She almost had me convinced but I knew It wasn't really and what do you know a few days ago , completely flips everything around on me again saying " your not going anywhere, I'm not attracted to you I guess!" I mean after saying I love you, I was stupid!
> *I'm just trying to understand what goes through her mind? *Seriously. I'm just sick and tired of her bs. It's like* if she sees me happy or she thinks I'm with someone she does, this*. She did see me once with my female friend I've been talking about and she tried to get me to confess if she was my Gf. *When is she going to stop this?* How can she just go from man to man. Guys probably just use her and that's it. She still has that I want to find a man that loves me and opens doors for me, writes me love messages once in awhile, just little surprises.* I'm thinking you did have one!* *I'm just emotionally tired.*.. I feel so bad my girls have to go through this, that's what gets to me every day. It's seems these types of women never find what there looking for or let the other person be happy.


She does not know what goes through her mind, why should you try.

If I am miserable, by God I will make you just as miserable. How dare you move on after I cheated.

When YOU stop allowing HER to.

When my XW posted a profile on a OLD site, even before we filed for D, the characteristics she was looking for in a man.... EXACT ones I was. Ironic isn't it?

See.... she almost has you beaten down again where you will take her back. Don't think so? Look how good she did this in the M.
..............................................................................

Get your girls in IC..... Could they talk to the school psychologist? 

These girls are WAY too young to feel this way about a parent without talking to a professional.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Usually when I do engage is when my girls are present. She uses them and puts that sad face on I'm front of my girls and makes me feel bad. I don't want to look heartless in front of my girls. I never text her and if she does text me I keep it simple...answers like yes or no.


Yep....... using the girls to get to you...... What did I tell you her next move would be?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Yes that's when we spoke in person..when she uses the girls to speak to me. She tells them go tell Dad I need to speak with him and then tells them to give her a minute alone with me. Every time she texts me with something other than having to do with the girls I ignore them. Or if it's about them it's usually a short answer a yes or a no or a ok.


Have child swap at nearest police station parking lot. Have officer there if needed. Problem solved.

SHE will continue to push YOU until YOU put a stop to it. All it takes is a few hard boundary 

re-establishes. I will ask again.... how is the D proceedings going along?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> It will almost be a year this April. She left and moved in with other man. They split up I believe around October so they only lasted a couple months together. She probably has some one new now. I'm not sure I stopped looking into what she is doing. Part of the reason she got 50/50 was because my girls were devastated that their mom left so I didn't fight hard enough for full custody as I wanted them to see their mother more often. I now regret that. I thought she would change but I doesn't like she will. She cares more about her romances. As your other question she since she left she has never moved back in. She is now living with her father. She also got kicked out from her sister house.
> 
> As for the female friend she saw me with her once and when she tried to get me to take her back she kept asking me if I was with her or not. She also kept asking my oldest if I had a GF.


Grabs a beer..... c'mere Tomas. Hands one to Tomas. When your W abandoned the kids to be with OM, you had a gift wrapped chance at FC. When you have FC, it is easy to implement supervised visitation... given her choices of OM. IF... your STBXW later showed stability, maybe.... maybe... be agreeable for her to see the kids more. 

Your girls do not need a parent who bed hops, especially a mom, it sets a horrid example for them. Those girls need stability. Now Tomas..... 

You need to grow your balls back.... and tell your STBXW it is O-V-E-R. She is using the kids to get to you. I told you she would, I'm sure I wasn't the only one to do so. She will throw that vagina right in your face.... just like she did when you were M. Tomas.... she isn't doing anything new, just the same crap she pulled on you when you were M. And just like in the M.... YOU are letting HER do it.

Your STBXW is playing with your girl's emotions..... and doing a pretty damn good job of it...... IF you allow it to be. Tomas you hold the key to the success of your life, and your girls. Your STBXW........ let her own her POS tendencies.... if she ever will.

Tomas.... you can 1-take charge of you and your girls future, 2-Remain in limbo and allow your STBXW to continue to screw you up, and your girls. BTW.... if you do send your STBXW away and promote strong boundaries, give her three months, she will be with another OM, and won't care anything about you or the girls. History will repeat itself.....


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend I am telling you this like my own Brother. Dont ever go back with your Wife. 

She is evil person and she only chases you because she has noone else. No place to live. OM dumped her after using her. Sister kicked her out. Low pay Job. Daughters hate her. Living with her Father. No bright future. She will stick to her story until another man arrives. 

About your female Friend. She asks you about Divorce because she likes you. She likes the person in you,one who take care of Daughters and Family. 

You feel bad about yourself because you let your Wife to hurt you with words. She was/is doing it on purpose so she can feel better about her Affair. Trust me on this one. 

Stop contacting her. Only speak with her about Daughters and nothing else. Ignore her and you will be happy. 

Stay strong.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tomas said:


> *Yes that's when we spoke in person..when she uses the girls to speak to me. She tells them go tell Dad I need to speak with him and then tells them to give her a minute alone with me.* Every time she texts me with something other than having to do with the girls I ignore them. Or if it's about them it's usually a short answer a yes or a no or a ok.


All you have to say is Dad has to go. It'll be ok. Then leave. Quit getting manipulated


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Ok so I'm about to tell my ex off! Here's the story she shows up once in awhile at the house to see the girls on days that are not even hers. She'll sit outside in her car with the girls. Why doesn't she take them to the park to get ice cream if she really wants to see them. I'm sick and tired of her pretending she's a good mother. My daughters sometimes end up inviting her in the house. I need your advice because I'm about to go off on her and tell her that we are not friends and to stop pretending everything is fine, if you come see the girls go somewhere else like the park stop invading my space of tranquility I don't need you here and I don't care what you do!


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

A friend suggested that when she does that have your female friend come over to just piss her off.. that will probably keep her from Coming around. Sounds like a good idea..I just don't want to do anything that will hurt my daughter's. That's why I keep myself from being an ass to their mother. I also don't want her to think I'm being mad because I miss her or something. I know you guys suggested to just act happy and play it cool.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Ok so I'm about to tell my ex off! Here's the story she shows up once in awhile at the house to see the girls on days that are not even hers. She'll sit outside in her car with the girls. Why doesn't she take them to the park to get ice cream if she really wants to see them. I'm sick and tired of her pretending she's a good mother. My daughters sometimes end up inviting her in the house. I need your advice because I'm about to go off on her and tell her that we are not friends and to stop pretending everything is fine, if you come see the girls go somewhere else like the park stop invading my space of tranquility I don't need you here and I don't care what you do!


It will stop when you put a stop to it. She has no one so now she is good mommy and wants to

act like a good wife................. until she finds another OM. This will continue until you put a stop

to it. Let her take the girls for ice cream on HER damn time


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't you just say no? You're a man, find your strength.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why can't you just say no? You're a man, find your strength.


Why can't i just say no.. I guess i finally figured that out. My daughter's, thats the reason why i have been trying not to be an A**hole to her. I guess i didn't want to seem like a heartless person in front of my girls. I guess she sees it as if im weak and i can't stand up to her...maybe thats the reason she doesn't respect me and sees any value in me. I don't blame her im starting to see that.. That im probably the biggest dumba**, to put up with her crap. She told me that im not going anywhere in life and just last friday , she has the guts to ask me out to breakfast.. I told her no. (Not in a mean way) just got more important things to do..walked away from her left her talking in the street by herself..she dropped of girls saturday ...opened. The door asked me about problems with her car , told her ask your mechanic i didn't fix your car and closed the door on her.

Just feeling so low and angry.. Mostly with my self now. How can i let myself get stepped on so much? What happened to the old me? The happy , making jokes, outdoors person, my passion for cars.. I can't even enjoy working on them anymore. I mean sheet even if i was playing with my girls she gave me a hard time.. She. would say im not giving her enough attention.

Im just physically and emotionally drained..i need to find a way to reset myself. I no kw the first step is im not going to anylonger allow my stbxw wife to controll my emotions..im going to say no and to f**off. I have to do this for my daughter's . they are what matter the most and i know their mother isn't the best person in the world..she rather be out chasing or looking for her true love than worrying about the little ones. I just have to reset myself because right now i feel like im going to pop..im so drained.

Thanks to who ever took the time to read all this.


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## Tomas (May 14, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> Tomas said:
> 
> 
> > Yes that's when we spoke in person..when she uses the girls to speak to me. She tells them go tell Dad I need to speak with him and then tells them to give her a minute alone with me. Every time she texts me with something other than having to do with the girls I ignore them. Or if it's about them it's usually a short answer a yes or a no or a ok.
> ...


Chuck i am contacting my lawyer first thing tomorrow morning..i will post update tomorrow. I think I've been in limbo long enough and ive stopped hoping this woman will change and be responsible for her girls. Its time for me to man up and protect my girls. I just felt i was letting them down but i realized that allthis is bringing me down.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tomas said:


> Why can't i just say no.. I guess i finally figured that out. My daughter's, thats the reason why i have been trying not to be an A**hole to her. I guess i didn't want to seem like a heartless person in front of my girls. I guess she sees it as if im weak and i can't stand up to her...maybe thats the reason she doesn't respect me and sees any value in me. I don't blame her im starting to see that.. That im probably the biggest dumba**, to put up with her crap. She told me that im not going anywhere in life and just last friday , she has the guts to ask me out to breakfast.. I told her no. (Not in a mean way) just got more important things to do..walked away from her left her talking in the street by herself..she dropped of girls saturday ...opened. The door asked me about problems with her car , told her ask your mechanic i didn't fix your car and closed the door on her.
> 
> Just feeling so low and angry.. Mostly with my self now. How can i let myself get stepped on so much? What happened to the old me? The happy , making jokes, outdoors person, my passion for cars.. I can't even enjoy working on them anymore. I mean sheet even if i was playing with my girls she gave me a hard time.. She. would say im not giving her enough attention.
> 
> ...


Just say No and leave it at that. Obscenities could escalate tension and provoke a fight.

A simple, calm and firm No sends a clear message.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tomas, you just took the big first step in reclaiming who you are by telling her "No". 

The first few times it may be hard to do minus an explicative or two. However, from this, it will become easier each time.

You did good, brother.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tomas said:


> Why can't i just say no.. I guess i finally figured that out. My daughter's, thats the reason why i have been trying not to be an A**hole to her. I guess i didn't want to seem like a heartless person in front of my girls.


Look, do you want your daughters to grow up to seek weak men they can dominate and treat like garbage? And be miserable themselves BECAUSE they've chosen a weak man who lets them treat him like garbage?

That's what you're setting up. Kids become their parents. It's the only 'system' they know because it's the only system they see. 

So if you want your girls to grow up healthy and whole, show them a man who won't accept being treated like crap. That teaches them to respect men, unlike their mom.

And let's be clear: please don't confuse being a strong man who upholds what's right with being an a$$hole. Two VERY DIFFERENT things. You can say no without being a jerk. "No." See?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Good job @Tomas. You're starting to get your balls back

There actually is a prescription for this. Hit the gym - and definitely hire a personal trainer if you've never really lifted weights. They'll make you feel at home in the gym, give you confidence, and make your workout actually count. Majority of people I see at the gym are standing there, on their cell phones, etc. Guys don't want to look stupid but won't ask for help so they do a few reps of this or that and just move around

You need to just be laser focused on an exhausting workout. If will boost your testosterone and make you feel better about yourself. Talk to other guys at the gym and start to build some workout buddies


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas said:


> Why can't i just say no.. I guess i finally figured that out. My daughter's, thats the reason why i have been trying not to be an A**hole to her. I guess i didn't want to seem like a heartless person in front of my girls. I guess she sees it as if im weak and i can't stand up to her...maybe thats the reason she doesn't respect me and sees any value in me. I don't blame her im starting to see that.. That im probably the biggest dumba**, to put up with her crap. She told me that im not going anywhere in life and just last friday , she has the guts to ask me out to breakfast.. I told her no. (Not in a mean way) just got more important things to do..walked away from her left her talking in the street by herself..she dropped of girls saturday ...opened. The door asked me about problems with her car , told her ask your mechanic i didn't fix your car and closed the door on her.
> 
> Just feeling so low and angry.. Mostly with my self now. How can i let myself get stepped on so much? What happened to the old me? The happy , making jokes, outdoors person, my passion for cars.. I can't even enjoy working on them anymore. *I mean sheet even if i was playing with my girls she gave me a hard time.. She. would say im not giving her enough attention.*
> 
> ...


This speaks volumes.... you knew all along, just wasn't ready to accept it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomas............... be cool, firm, dispassionate. She treats you this way because you allowed her to 

for years. Have the child swap at the police station, put that in your D declaration. She will not abide by

this unless she is forced to. She will bring the girls back to your place so she can engage you.

Nip this in the bud, she will NOT stop willingly. Your last post was awesome! High 5s brother Tomas

When she lashes out say "I'm sorry you feel that way." If she continues.... "I see things otherwise."

And if it keeps on..... "Done yet?"

Yknow Tomas.... what astounds me (sarcastic smile) is the fact she so desperately wants you back 

but..... you're not going anywhere in life. Hmmmmmmm

Might want to ask her that someday..... (not now, later)


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Gotta admire the chutzpah of the wife who moves in with another man, but asks her husband to stick around as an auto mechanic. Did you ask if she also wants a shoe shine to impress her new man?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Saying no and enforcing boundaries are not the same thing as being an ass.

I'm not sure you know that .... give it some thought.

On a side note, don't even think about dating until you clear this **** up. No decent woman will put up with this..... your ex will wreck every relationship you try to have if you allow it "for your girls".


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Tomas, you just took the big first step in reclaiming who you are by telling her "No".
> 
> The first few times it may be hard to do minus an explicative or two. However, from this, it will become easier each time.
> 
> You did good, brother.


The first time I ginned up the stones to say NO, it came out STFU and FVCK NO!

Not exactly the model of dispassionate strength. But, it was a start.


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