# 9 months since he left for the ow.... update



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

It has been 9 months since my h left me and our 4 week old and 22 month old at the time. If you are interested in the back story read my original thread _my husband left me for an 18 year old_
Things have been up and down. He is still with ow and I'm 99% sure they moved in together. The whole thing is sick. I have been doing much better and just getting on with my life up until 2 days ago. I receive a text from the ow then, while having an after dinner walk with my children. It said something to the effect that she thinks 'it's time' that we meet up and talked. Ummm... no. It's not. I didn't text back. Then the next day she called both of my phones total of 11 times. I didn't pick up. 
When my stbxh came to pick up the kids today the asked me if i received the phone calls from ow, because she wanted to meet up with me. I seriously nearly lost it. I'm a fiery ***** to say the least..
I told him that she is persona non grata to me. There is no way in hell I will EVER speak to her. She doesn't exist in my life. I don't give a rat's ass if she lives with him, marries him, or gets pregnant. My life is free of her. I don't discuss my intimate relationships with 18 year old, stbx husband barely high school graduated students. However many he may have, now or in the future. I told him that if he wants to discuss things with me that's fine, but this is between us, she does not exist.
Words cannot describe how I feel right now. The lack of empathy and thoughtlessness blow me away. I will not grant absolution. We still have to be married until Jan (law here), so no, it's 'not time we talked'. She's ****ing my husband and shattered my relationship. I don't get a chance to fix anything, for the sake of my children or for the sake of love. 
Absolutely not. 
This is such a slap in the face. WTF are those two morons thinking? I don't know why the hell she would even imagine that I would speak to her? She's around my children, I can't stop that if they're living together. It will hurt her that much more when it's over; she'll lose all 3 of them. I am not getting dealt with by a teenager. Jesus Christ. 
Am I mildly interested in what she had to say? No. I'm not. It was probably some idealized bull**** about how she cares about my children and her and my husband are forever so can we all be friends? Christ, how high school.... No we will not be friends. **** off. 
Thanks for letting me rant. I'm just sitting here with anxiety in my stomach and a fresh new cut in my heart. **** this. 
Gotta be kidding me.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

So sorry for this disrespectful display. Your husband is an a$$. I would suggest to you that you get to the point of indifference to your husband and his paramour. You need to get to a point where you actual don't care. I know that is harder than it sounds; but, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Strive for indifference.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Am I mildly interested in what she had to say? No. I'm not. It was probably some idealized bull**** about how she cares about my children and her and my husband are forever so can we all be friends? Christ, how high school.... No we will not be friends. **** off.


Yep!! But don't do something stupid in your anger. Your kids need you. OW is a kid and will only bring high school drama. Don't expect much maturity from her.


Are you working now ?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

KanDo, I am trying like hell... I loved him so much. Now he makes me sick to my stomach, really, really sick. I'll keep at it though.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Warlock, yeah I have been substituting for a while (worked full time except for one day) and working full time on contract for the past almost 3 months. Got a position from somebody who left due to stress of that class Resilience, resilience, resilience. I'm doing all right. Sad still, after I see him (got to see him twice a week bc. of the kiddos). Then ok again. Then this... eh, it's like they won't leave me be. Don't know what they get out of this


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## Picking up the pieces (Oct 7, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> It has been 9 months since my h left me and our 4 week old and 22 month old at the time. If you are interested in the back story read my original thread _my husband left me for an 18 year old_
> Things have been up and down. He is still with ow and I'm 99% sure they moved in together. The whole thing is sick. I have been doing much better and just getting on with my life up until 2 days ago. I receive a text from the ow then, while having an after dinner walk with my children. It said something to the effect that she thinks 'it's time' that we meet up and talked. Ummm... no. It's not. I didn't text back. Then the next day she called both of my phones total of 11 times. I didn't pick up.
> When my stbxh came to pick up the kids today the asked me if i received the phone calls from ow, because she wanted to meet up with me. I seriously nearly lost it. I'm a fiery ***** to say the least..
> I told him that she is persona non grata to me. There is no way in hell I will EVER speak to her. She doesn't exist in my life. I don't give a rat's ass if she lives with him, marries him, or gets pregnant. My life is free of her. I don't discuss my intimate relationships with 18 year old, stbx husband barely high school graduated students. However many he may have, now or in the future. I told him that if he wants to discuss things with me that's fine, but this is between us, she does not exist.
> ...


I'm in the process of being left for another woman too. I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. I keep thinking that if mine weren't leaving me for a nearly 60 year old woman who looks enough like a man that people have actually thought it's a cross dresser sometimes that maybe I'd feel better. But as I was reading your post I realized that no, it wouldn't feel better. It never feels better. I wish you strength. And I'm very sorry that you have to go through allowing your children to be around someone like that, well sounds like their dad isn't maybe a good one to be around either. I have no idea what that would feel like. I hope you'll find the beautiful life you deserve.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. The fact he left you for another woman is bad enough, but an 18 year old must just cut that much deeper. 

I hope you don't see this as flippant, but it is almost laughable that this 'relationship' is serious, even more laughable that your husband is taking it seriously! I mean, god, an 18 year old? How old is he? Surely there can only be disaster ahead for them. At minimum they have got together under dubious circumstances and theirs will never be a fully secure relationship. If she got pregnant she will then have the full realisation of what she did to you hit her, and she will be forever wondering when she will receive the same treatment. He will always be wondering why she goes for him and when she will get bored and go for someone nearer her own age. This really can only lead to disaster. They will be very lucky if it all works out.

I agree with Kando. You definitely need to get to a point of indifference. Look at what you have gained (impossible considering all you have lost? I hope not completely impossible) you have found out what a bastard your hubby is before you spent even more years with him. I am guessing you are still young given that your children are so young, and so you have all that time in front of you to find someone more decent than him. I hope he was an education for you, that you will be educated on certain patterns of behaviour and you will know what to avoid next time, and thus be better educated to choose a better mate. And by golly, best of all, you don't have to wash his dirty pants and smelly socks no more...she does! There! Problem sorted, life is good! What on earth have you got left to complain about?  

The only other thing you could do that might make you feel better, you could meet her, smile sweetly, be really nice to her, and then ask her about all his really irritating habits, his health problems, his weird nuances, those unpleasant things you did for him because you loved him but would never do for anyone else, ask her what she will do when she gets pregnant and he leaves her for a 16 year old, ask what happens when they are married, have a family of their own and she will have a diminished income due to his responsibilities in financing his previous family, what happens when you all have to have a third each of his income instead of half because he has left her with babies and moved on and got another woman pregnant....oh the possibilities are endless. You could have much mileage out of meeting her and being lovely. Just choose your questions carefully, and the most pertinent ones first before she stomps off in a teenage strop!


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Did your mum come to visit? Sorry I didn't get back to you but we were robbed and I lost my computer and phone.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

^^ agreed with the above. You can take some pleasure in knowing that they will destroy themselves this is temporary and if not temporary it still will lead to self destruction. 

You are beyond and better than both of these individuals especially the husband! who did the cheating. The girl is not on your level she is but a child without a fully developed brain she cannot hold a candle to you she is irrelevant other than her being involved in something that will lead to unhappiness in the long run. 


I might like to ask

Did your husband just randomly drop the divorce on you randomly?


sorry if i did not read through all other threads. Its just from what i have seen typically when a man divorces a woman its either because she cheated or he is cheating. When the man is cheating and divorces the woman he usually comes and gets legal advice and help in order to assure that he wont lose much in the divorce. Basically he will make himself as secured as he can with legal advice and than drop the papers on the wife divorce and not lose much. They do this because they do not want to risk the wife finding out and losing tons in the divorce because all a wife needs is evidence he is cheating and the man is screwed.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

missmolly: yes she did. It was such a relief. I basically collapsed physically. I slept for two weeks... most of the time. Work, sleep. I needed it. I also got sick with whooping cough and something else. I suppose because I could. My mom is amazing.

Goldmember357,
the way I found out that he was leaving: I was breast feeding my 4 week old daughter and noticed I had a vm on my phone. I listened to it. It was a conversation my stbxh was having with his best friend on a cigarette break. He accidentally called me, pushed the button. It was 5 minutes long and difficult to hear. One of the things he was telling his friend was that he was going to leave me in two months. That's how I found out. I called him screaming and shaking and told him to get his ass home. Then I confronted him. He told me that he was just venting, but then he said he'd leave. I told him I just knew there was somebody else. He denied it. I gave him the ring. 
I found out about ow about a month later, while snooping through the internet. I knew it must have been somebody from his work, he's a teacher. I thought it was another teacher. Nope. A student who just graduated. Then I found her twitter, fb etc, and there it was. Her deluded pouring out of her soul, with dates and details attached. He waited for her to graduate and for me to give birth to our (planned) bub #2. He was texting her when I was giving birth.... 
As to the finances, he took the money he had in the account that was his from his gmther's will. I had no job at the time ( I was supposed to have a year off). He gave me a card to use for food and he said he'd cover the bills. He did for about 2 months. He told me I could have the house... that later changed. I am however buying him out and he's fine with that. He left me the brand new car, he took his old one.... Soooo, I guess financially he didn't try to screw me over. I think he kind of loves his kids. He wants them to have a home. He visits them. He wants the family now and the kids (every other weekend) and a DIFFERENT mom-a.k.a. homewrecker. Makes me sick.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

At this point, holding onto your dignity is probably for the best.

Find/Build a support network because speed bumps will be heading down the road and you'll want to reach out to your main source of support (him) You will not want to do this so you need an alternate in place.

She sounds like a bubble headed rah rah bit of arm candy who wouldn't know what a serious relationship was if it bit her on the a$$. You don't need to play to her script at ALL. She has the script in her head and it's irksome to her that you refuse to play her games. No doubt she has that Julia Roberts/Susan Sarandon movie playing in the back of her empty little head (if she even has that amount of wit and life experience)

No doubt you will be re-cast as the Evil Mother who can't let go of her hate. But do you really care what your role is in a teeny bopper's brain? I wouldn't.

Keep strong.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

JCD.Thanks for your kind words. 
As for the arm candy, that's the irony. Lordy lord, she is not attractive at all. Talk about cheating doooown. Everybody is completely puzzled by that, but I guess it's about other stuff, def NOT looks.
Yeah, I think I'd be the evil mother either way. If I met with her, I would flip out and be cast as the psycho. If I blocked her then I'd be the *****. By telling my husband that she does not exist to me, I guess I'm the latter. Who know what he told her about me anyways. So yeah, who gives a damn what she thinks. She ruined my life and continues to rub it in my face. By I guess in her head, she saved my emotional refugee of a husband...


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

The nerve of this b!tch. 

Husband fking, family breaking, and then 'wants to talk' to you as if you're both equals or something? 

Get the fvck out of here with that crap. :soapbox:

And your husband is such an ass hole.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly, I am so very glad you posted an update, I have been wondering for quite some time how you are doing and I'm glad you have checked back in with us.

My core suggestion is that you find an intermediary to hand off the children to your husband. If you're worried they will somehow use that against you, what I'd do is have a neighbor, friend, or a hired babysitter hand the kids out the door to your husband while you stay in a bedroom and don't come out. Present (perhaps kissing the babes goodbye in view of H, but not coming close enough to speak to H). 

Even if you can only manage to arrange this one of the four times (because there are four meet up points--two pick ups, two drop offs), it will cut back on your contact.

wrsteele1 has done this--as far as I know he went literally months without seeing his wife at all this way. He was, however, fortunate to have family nearby, so he could drop the kids there presumably and have the wife pick them up. He has credited his mental / emotional recovery to this in large measures. You have said yourself how much healthier you feel when you are out of contact with your stbex. That is nothing to minimize or overlook--instead I'd be seeking ways to extend and expand that as much as humanly possible.

And no, you do not have to respond to a child who, in the United States, would be treated as a hostile witness in a statutory rape case. She isn't able to even approach arranging the meeting in a dignified way. Plus, you DO want to stay out of jail and avoid an assault charge, right? Methinks you stay far, far away from her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does OZ have the equivalent of cheaterville.com? If so post both him and the 18 yr tramp on it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did exactly the right thing refusing to respond to the 18yr old. She deserves nothing from you. not a thing.

Your husband is a cheater, and it's only a matter of time until he also cheats on her. So the karma bus will eventually arrive at the station.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Plus, you DO want to stay out of jail and avoid an assault charge, right? Methinks you stay far, far away from her.


You know, I wrote this up half joking, but let me pause and take this in a more serious direction.

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE HER ABILITY TO SET YOU UP. She has every single incentive to lie her ass off about you. She already has and does. It doesn't take much for a wee teenager to fall off her chair and claim you pushed her. I'm sure she can act the part of the wounded assault victim if she feels the need.

If you and your husband had mutually agreed to a divorce and some dignified time later he had met an ADULT woman and they married so that she was now your children's stepmother, then I could definitely see gathering up your courage and stowing your pride so as to communicate about the children's school, health, upbringing.

But this chicklet is as far away from that scenario as the Sun is from a pebble that revolves around Pluto. She might or might not intend deliberate entrapment, but she's shown that she's perfectly capable of changing the past to fit her future.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> JCD.Thanks for your kind words.
> As for the arm candy, that's the irony. Lordy lord, she is not attractive at all. Talk about cheating doooown. Everybody is completely puzzled by that, but I guess it's about other stuff, def NOT looks.
> Yeah, I think I'd be the evil mother either way. If I met with her, I would flip out and be cast as the psycho. If I blocked her then I'd be the *****. By telling my husband that she does not exist to me, I guess I'm the latter. Who know what he told her about me anyways. So yeah, who gives a damn what she thinks. She ruined my life and continues to rub it in my face. By I guess in her head, she saved my emotional refugee of a husband...


You did good don't give that baby (OW) the time of day. She has no idea what she has gotten into. It want be long before he cheats on her too. The two of them are just disrespectful and nasty.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you ever tell her parents about him (and the family he left behind)? Just curious.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> Did you ever tell her parents about him (and the family he left behind)? Just curious.


Yes, I find them (her parents) absolutely fascinating to ponder.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Honeystly, I hope you didn't take my post the wrong way. I realise things are probably still incredibly raw for you, especially all this happening so soon after the birth of your baby. Your husband has behaved just about as low as any man could. 

I hoped to bring a small smile to your face. I hope it wasn't just a fist to my screen name instead


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honey,

It is amazing the lack of empathy they show--although honestly, it's not surprising. They've been playing this game 8 months now.

I would have ignored her messages and also called my phone carrier to block her # from being able to call me. When he showed up I would have told him "I have no interest in meeting her" and stuck to co-parenting topics only. If he would have brought her up again I would have said "DO NOT talk to me about her. I am not interested." That's it. You set your boundaries. 

Did you ever file for divorce/separation/child support?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Kasler, yes and yes, agreed.
iheartlife, I actually just did that when my mom came to visit for a few weeks. She did the handovers for me. It helped immensely and moved me forward. She has been gone a week and this nonsense starts. I'm glad I'm stronger now. As my super awesome luck would have it 3 (!) of my next door neighbors sold their houses in the last 6 months, so I don't know anybody else, and as much as I'd love to not see his face... I have to for now. It's ok though, because thanks to my mom I have slept, slept, slept and gained some immense composure. I spoke to my shrink, and she sort of explained to me that the bouncing back will take a day or two every time I'll see him, but that I will desensitize with time. I'm waiting for that... I think my adrenaline is finally subsiding, so I just feel tired after I see him. For ex, we did our exchange at the drs last week. We had to go to the pharmacy across his office to get meds for the kiddos (preventative-I had whopping cough even though I was immunized). We had to wait for about 10 minutes, and I had NOTHING to say to him! That's a first. I just thought how much he ****ed everything up. there we were, standing, mom, dad and kiddos.... while the 18 year old was waiting for him at home. Sad. I felt relief to get away. He's been quite nice to me lately, but then THIS. 
This sense of entitlement that she has sickens me. Like, pick a family, and just take it for yourself. That's why I won't speak to her. She has taken enough.
Shaggy, I looked already, nope. I should start one


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

iheart life, that's EXACTLY what I think. Hell, I'm a teacher, I don't need that. She will not provoke me.
Also, regarding some legit woman that might have the misfortune to involve herself with my stbxh, I would meet her. I would probably go even further and simply cut him out. I would speak to her only and ask her to communicate with me instead. That would be a turn he didn't see coming 
But not this kid. Hell no. Even if they are 'forever' I will never accept her, even if it seems immature.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

turnera, I spoke to his brother about it, but he doesn't believe it. He thinks that they hooked up after. He however doesn't have the 4.5K phone bill from the last 4 months of marriage that now I do, or all the other stuff I found. His family is in denial mode, plus they hated me always... Demure English folk vs. American truck driver mouth.... not a good combo.
I messaged her parents. no answer. But I'm sure they know. Her older sister def. and if she's living with him now there is no keeping it a secret


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> iheart life, that's EXACTLY what I think. Hell, I'm a teacher, I don't need that. She will not provoke me.
> Also, regarding some legit woman that might have the misfortune to involve herself with my stbxh, I would meet her. I would probably go even further and simply cut him out. I would speak to her only and ask her to communicate with me instead. That would be a turn he didn't see coming
> *But not this kid. Hell no. Even if they are 'forever' I will never accept her, even if it seems immature*.


Well, the sad truth is that by the time she's grown up enough to handle it, your children will be, too. So the point is in many ways moot.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> turnera, I spoke to his brother about it, but he doesn't believe it. He thinks that they hooked up after. He however doesn't have the 4.5K phone bill from the last 4 months of marriage that now I do, or all the other stuff I found. His family is in denial mode, plus they hated me always... Demure English folk vs. American truck driver mouth.... not a good combo.
> I messaged her parents. no answer. But I'm sure they know. Her older sister def. and if she's living with him now there is no keeping it a secret


I'm pretty sure from everything you've said in the past that all her siblings are FB friends of his. While the mom may not be, she's obviously friends of her children via FB. She knows. (And I hope you have sworn off the demon facebook, BTW! I was paranoid posting this because the last thing I want to do is trigger a facebook-aholic, aka, you, Honey)

I don't see why you can't just slip a copy of that phone bill to the brother, at least. If you didn't have kids, well goodbye and good riddance, but these people are unfortunately linked to you for life. You never know how something small like exposing the truth can later come back to your favor--if only, at this point in time, financially.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Remains, I appreciate your post. If I actually did meet up with her, I would rip her a new one for sure. I'd also ask her if she knows about his fling with porn addiction a few years back, and what she thinks of that.
As for me identifying patterns in dating... hmmmmm..... he was my 2nd boyfriend. First one turned gay after me! Gawd... So ya... patterns.
I have decided that from now on I will take a more senior citizen approach to dating. If I ever do again (not anytime soon, we're talking 5 years?) it will be a 'friend' that I see once in a while . Except instead of bocce ball and a stew, it will be dinner and a shag :whip: No phone calls, no sighs, nothing like that. No time for that. I like being single. Never had a problem with it.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

iheart life, brother moved to Europe. I quit FB a few months back, and you'll be proud to hear I quit twitter too (was on it for like a month, just to do my therapy...didn't work). Plus, he defriended me after the whole slapping my ex incident.... that was the lowest point for me. Yeah, those families are ****ed....


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Jellybeans, yeah it was filed. Remember I was awarded $0 child support, because he only works 3 days a week and the laws here favor children having the same level of living in both households.... Yeah super. Parenting agreement signed and sent off. Divorce in Jan, as soon as we legally can. Bleh


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Jellybeans, yeah it was filed. Remember I was awarded $0 child support, because he only works 3 days a week and the laws here favor children having the same level of living in both households.... Yeah super. Parenting agreement signed and sent off. Divorce in Jan, as soon as we legally can. Bleh


I truly don't get that logic, legally, when they don't spend 50/50 time in each household. If they did, perhaps, but they don't.

And it seems to me that in most divorces one parent ends up buying everything, i.e., clothes, books, necessities. All that child support is about is covering those expenses because one person spent it and the other didn't.

Remind me not to get divorced with kids in the land of Oz


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

What a *****. You're a saint for not raking her eyes out. 

Just remember she's a stupid 18-year old. When she changes her mind as all teenagers do it will be your ex who pays the bill. 

Her bill won't come until later in life, but trust me, the meteor's coming.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Mr White Mousse, the language on YOU!!!! Didn't see that one coming sir


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Sorry. Injustice angers me. It's probably best that I live in an era of more constrictive thoughts of recompense. 

Best for those who are immoral, I mean.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey!
I was going to respond last night but I got an offer to go and have hot sex, so that won. [19 months post Dday.lol]

I have an almost 18 year old daughter. I am just thinking about it from her point of view..


"OMG iam like thier mum I am like u know, mature and stuff. We have been together forever! His old GF can't be nice, like what have I done. She's so mean. We can be friends now! its SO LONG AGO" .
She thinks in dog years

Probably a little unfair on an 18 year old, but not much

You know that the fact you are moving on is really bugging him, right? Without you to provide anger and energy what has he got?

Hmmm lets see..
No. Lets not. Can't be bothered. Not worth the brain activity.

Divorce.
Don't pay a lawyer. Do it yourself. [Pm me for details.]
Don't even attempt a joint Divorce because he will just drag it out and attempt to involve you in his crap life. 
It is much easier doing it one way. Don't be freaked out by going to court. The magistrate takes you though it just like a kindly uncle

Count down those days mate. Count them down. 

Let your guard down. Remove the armor around him. You may find that underneath all that protection you may be more healed than you think you are. << from my shrink. Worked wonders for me.

Great to hear from you


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Totally f**k that *****, not worth your time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Remains, I appreciate your post. If I actually did meet up with her, I would rip her a new one for sure. I'd also ask her if she knows about his fling with porn addiction a few years back, and what she thinks of that.
> As for me identifying patterns in dating... hmmmmm..... he was my 2nd boyfriend. First one turned gay after me! Gawd... So ya... patterns.
> I have decided that from now on I will take a more senior citizen approach to dating. If I ever do again (not anytime soon, we're talking 5 years?) it will be a 'friend' that I see once in a while . Except instead of bocce ball and a stew, it will be dinner and a shag :whip: No phone calls, no sighs, nothing like that. No time for that. I like being single. Never had a problem with it.


Yes! If you meet her, (don't rip her a new one, tho what I really want to say is yea, tear her apart and batter her, but civilisation prevents us) let her know pleasantly how you helped him over his porn addiction. And I would say, in my knowledge (which may be limited), that porn addiction and sex addiction and lack of moral boundaries all go hand in hand! 

With regards to boyfriends, we can't help who we fall for. 5 years is how you feel, I don't blame you, but not necessarily a reality. 

And your only previous was gay! Well, he obviously felt that you were a good woman to be with while he figured out his sexuality. Maybe you were the only woman he has ever been with. The only woman he felt safe with. Don't take it as a personal failure. I don't know how difficult that is to not take it personal, but that is not your fault! A woman has surely NEVER turned a man gay. A man knows he is gay, and either wants to try not to be, or is hoping he never was. You were the chosen one. He chose you, he must have fancied you. You never, ever, turned him! 

And patterns of behaviour, always look at the way people behave to secure their needs. Some are straightforward. Some are manipulative.

I went out with a man when I was 16. I was no doormat. He cheated on me, I left him. He begged me back, it was a very complicated relationship, I was mother to a 2 year old (she was not mine, nor his, she was his ex gf's!) and he was twice my age. I went back on the condition he drank no more. He started to again, and the problems began again. I left. For good. This relationship went on for a 4 month period.

I thought I could tell a bullshi*tter a mile off after him. And I could. But only his kinda bullsh*t. His was overt bullsh*t. Not a more subtle and manipulative bullsh*t. I have always been VERY trusting. And so quite naive in certain aspects of my life.

From 16-34yrs I had 2 long term relationships, so of course knew not a lot really. I thought I was worldly and wise. I met my current (now ex) man. Thought I had hit the jackpot. But he manipulated me and cheated. 

I just think that you cannot score current relationships on the past. You can only learn by them. I was happy that I met that man that screwed me over at 16. So pleased that he showed me everything that I NEVER wanted in a man. 

My next man was lovely, decent, loyal. He was great. No education there. We just were not compatible. 

My next, father of my kids, 11 years. Half of that deeply unhappy. He was lazy, he was my 3rd child. He was manipulative. And his true colours came out when I left him. 5 years of hell I have been through with him making all and everything as difficult as possible. Even at the expense of our kids. These last 5 years, with my ex being a bastard, bitter and twisted, and my current (now ex also) giving me 3 years of hell within the 5 years so far by my kids father....and on top of that my kids giving me hell (5 years of being undermined and made out that all I say is crap, and they are now teenagers), my life currently is sh*t. 

Current (now ex)....cheated, gaslighting, mind games, I loved every bone in his body, loved with all I have, and he never cared enough to make all his wrongs right. He wants me back, but I am efforted out. As in the above paragraph, I have enough sh*t on my shoulders to feed the 5000....pigs.

All these **** things happen for a reason. We are here to learn. To improve things for ourselves. All these bastards in life are here to teach us. There is never black and white in anything. Only grey. All things happen for a reason, people are fuc*ed up due to their own fuc*edupness. Their level of fuc*edupness is their own level of unhappiness. 

And that is our revenge. Knowing that we learn and move on while they remain the same.

Do not let bitterness take over. And don't take sex as a meaningless thing. Give love to those that show it. And as you well know, actions speak loud! Take note of the actions as now you are educated on them. Don't take people as cheap after your experience of ONE man who screwed you over. Happiness in a good relationship, if you can let one happen, is not to be shat on or ignored. Only you will lose out in that scenario, and another woman will gain what you will lose. A good relationship is the best. Cheap sex with a 'friend' is cheap, and always will be. Don't let something good fall by the wayside due to being scared. Due to not learning from the past, and not being open to learning some more.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And I really feel for you. And I really hope you can move on to a happy place. I know you are (stubbornly?) happy, but try to reach a place of contentment. And all good things will come. I really do wish you all the best.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks Remains, that's a lot to think about. I suppose I would be treating men cheaply, but my perspective is skewed. Sort of like a pre-med student who begins to believe that everybody is sick, because that's all they read about and see. Same here. I see my beautiful, smart friends get screwed over by men who are way below their league, and I read on TAM about all the **** gone wrong for people who seem decent and caring. I just think that it's worth the risk anymore. I feel like I've died in the last 9 months, and not necessarily been reborn either... I don't think I could survive this again, and know that I chose to be with somebody again, who then turned out to be a bastard. I don't know how you have the guts to try again. I don't


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

On the up side Honeystly all these caring, decent guys who are being swapped for dip****s are now available for your delectation. 

The amount of fcukwittery in the world is amazing.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Thanks Remains, that's a lot to think about. I suppose I would be treating men cheaply, but my perspective is skewed. Sort of like a pre-med student who begins to believe that everybody is sick, because that's all they read about and see. Same here. I see my beautiful, smart friends get screwed over by men who are way below their league, and I read on TAM about all the **** gone wrong for people who seem decent and caring. I just think that it's worth the risk anymore. I feel like I've died in the last 9 months, and not necessarily been reborn either... I don't think I could survive this again, and know that I chose to be with somebody again, who then turned out to be a bastard. I don't know how you have the guts to try again. I don't


I don't have the guts to try again to be honest. I am scared. But I haven't closed the door. I know there are decent guys out there. Being on this forum has taught me there are decent men, plenty of them. It is just a case of finding them. 

So yeah, I am very reticent. I am worried that if I hear a phrase said in all innocence it will trigger me and I will think he is cheating. That is my biggest worry. And also that I will be intensely paranoid if he has female friends. But I will just see what happens. Take things as they come and hope I can get past my now issues. I also hope to have some fun trying!

I went on a dating website after this final split with my ex. I didn't want to get lonely and forget all the many many things he had done, I didn't want to have a weak moment and see him. So I hope for dates to take my mind off him and to have something exciting (though I am not that excited, more scared actually) to look forward to....I hope! 

I have a date pencilled in tonight! My 1st. I nearly bottled it. He asked me to go on a date yesterday. I said too short notice...today? He said where. I didn't answer. Do I went on this morning and replied, let's see if I can actually meet someone! Tonight! Hmmm I would be happier not to  hehe but I may have some fun. You never know.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

here we are again - 9 months later - and i _still _say your husband is the BIGGEST POS ever!


_seriously_.....i wanna kick his ass for you and have his little gf watch.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> _seriously_.....i wanna kick his ass for you and have his little gf watch.


Me too!
Me too!
And again, me too!


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

cledus_snow,
I keep wondering about that too, actually. The ferociousness and vindictiveness part of it all is what blows me away. He actually rubs this **** in my face on purpose. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a very very strong person, and I think they feel they need to team up to take me down a notch. So it's fiery bit*ch vs. spineless pedo and his teenage know-it-all. It's sad and pathetic. I want out, and they try to pull me back in. 
I think perhaps he does it for attention. He never got much from his selfish parents and I think it pleases him to know two *women* are fighting over him. Except I'm not fighting 'over him'. I'm fighting with him. She wants to take me on. Why? It's done. She won. She's got him. But she keeps taunting me on top. I will not acknowledge her presence she is nothing to me. Additionally, I was thinking about it, and what she is doing is a very stupid move, tactically speaking. If I got with somebody's husband and he left his wife for him (which I'd never do), the LAST thing I would mention with him or on public forums is the wife. I mean I wouldn't want him to think about her at all. By obsessing over me (him or her, don't know), they are keeping me in the picture and almost giving me power. Sound weird? Yes. And also sounds like something that could bite her in the ass. Our own minds can be our worst enemies. I'm so sick of her. I want her to disappear. I can't get rid of him for anther 18 (****) years... That's her lifetime, in FaceAche's world. 
As I was saying on the other forum too, something has shifted. STBXH has actually been really nice to me ever since I took two weeks off from seeing him when my mom was here. He gave me cookies 2 days ago, as he had 'extra'.... manipulative. Last time he did something nice, he cleaned the house and then his stupid song came out, about how his days were numbered.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I'd be laughing every time they try to draw you in. From a superior position. NOTHING gets an ex better than you being able to laugh at their pathetic selves cos you've moved on. There's a show called Blue Bloods with Tom Selleck. His daughter Arin's POS ex-husband shows up for the granddaughter's 16th birthday; he tries to shake hands with Arin's (Selleck's) family. Shakes hands with Arin's younger brother (too young to remember the catastrophe), goes to Selleck's dad, who refuses and just says 'move on, buddy,' (love it!), so he goes on to Selleck. The ex says something like 'I thought you'd be out to punish me' and without skipping a beat, Selleck says 'Oh, you already got punished plenty.' The ex says how's that? Selleck says 'You gave up the two best things in your life.'

As for him shifted, the HIGH he got from getting a PYT is fading, and he's starting to feel like the predator he is. You're starting to look like the classy lady you are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remains said:


> Me too!
> Me too!
> And again, me too!


I am not an advocate of violence. But in your husband's case...


My first reaction to your post was: "I agree! What a heartless person he is and how clueless OW is!"

But... whilst doing the washing up (wife's gone shopping, made myself useful!) I had further thoughts.

You might have to arrange some form of meeting between the brat, sorry, the OW, your husband and yourself.

I would arrange this in the office of a solicitor who has expertise in family law and child welfare.

This meeting would not be for the benefit of OW/WS, it would be for the benefit of you and your children.

It would lay down firm and hard rules of what interaction she has with your children, etc., etc.

Maybe have a legal contract drawn up.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

MattMatt,
I have the first right of refusal, so if he can't be with the kiddos, I'm supposed to be notified. As for the lawyer idea I already spoke to mine, and there's nothing I can do... apparently on his time it's his decision.
I'm gonna stick to my persona non grata approach with regards to the teenage homewrecker. I just found out from a friend who has fb that she's pretty pissed off right about now. I asked my friend not to tell me what she said exactly, but allegedly, 'them were fighting words' 
So, good. She can seethe. I'll simply never understand what the hell was going through her and my stbxh's heads when she came up with the idea of contacting me and he agreed. Clueless.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know what was going through HIS head - if I don't do this for her, I won't get any tonight.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)




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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> cledus_snow,
> I keep wondering about that too, actually. The ferociousness and vindictiveness part of it all is what blows me away. He actually rubs this **** in my face on purpose. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a very very strong person, and I think they feel they need to team up to take me down a notch. So it's fiery bit*ch vs. spineless pedo and his teenage know-it-all. It's sad and pathetic. I want out, and they try to pull me back in.
> .


BINGO
Your right. You are important in their relationship. It took me about the same amount of time as you to see this but when I did, oh boy, was that an eye-opener. 
The best thing you can do in this situation is to not fight.

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”
Mahatma Gandhi

In this case, winning is living well, it is smiling a genuine smile, it is being relaxed around him because he has no power over you. It is you moving on with your new small family, taking a break with them. Enjoying the small time you have away from them.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> here we are again - 9 months later - and i _still _say your husband is the BIGGEST POS ever!
> 
> 
> _seriously_.....*i wanna kick his ass for you and have his little gf watch*.


:iagree:


*Now this is a good man here *. :smthumbup:


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I do wish somebody would.... Snap him out of it


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you for write back to us. Life will get better for you! Let's see, nothing bad could happen between your STBXH and his eighteen year old girlfriend, like her finding another guy.......Nahhhh...never happen, she will be as pure as the driven snow........hahahahaha!!!!!Cheers David


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

She is a child. I don't think an 18 year old has the life experience or the maturity to even remotely grasp what she has done. She knows it's wrong but can't fathom why.

Your stbxh on the other hand....

And what the F is up with this girls parents? Sorry but if I was this girls daddy the only things stbxh would have to choose from would be Axe or Machete.

Ew...my little sister is 18 for God's sake!!!!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Your stbxh on the other hand....


is at the same emotional level of the 18. Or even worse. Arrested development. He's still in high school.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Acabado said:


> is at the same emotional level of the 18. Or even worse. Arrested development. He's still in high school.


...and, he still apparently teaches at one. Ponder that for a moment.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Actually, that reminds me of something. Honey, I know you approached the school and they said they would do anything.

But what about their parent-teacher organization? They don't have to worry about stuff like reasonable cause for firing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

iheartlife, it's no longer worth it. The way laws are geared here is to give children the same quality of lifestyle at both homes. Therefore the person who makes more money, has to pay the person who makes less, if the difference in incomes is drastic. Child support is based on income and percentage. Therefore it serves me no purpose to get him fired. That would probably just cost me money. If I had to pay him child support, I think I would seriously get a mental breakdown...
He only contributes financially to daycare payments anyways. He didn't put in any money 3 out of 4 weeks this month and there's NOTHING I can do about that. I hate my life when it comes to him. What a crock of **** the law here is. WTF??? I hate no-fault divorce when there blatantly is!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

At my advanced age, let me see if I can guess how the little misses mind worked:

"Gosh, well, it's been oooh, donkey's years since you split from your wife. So she should be over it by now. She should have moved on. 

"I think it would be really nice if her and me could be friends together. Maybe we could go shopping and stuff to get things for the kiddies? That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

"Do you think I should speak to her? So she wouldn't think I was a dag, or something?"

(See? The gratuitous use of one of the Australian aka Strine words I know!)

Is that likely what the fluffy little princess was thinking?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> iheartlife, it's no longer worth it. The way laws are geared here is to give children the same quality of lifestyle at both homes. Therefore the person who makes more money, has to pay the person who makes less, if the difference in incomes is drastic. Child support is based on income and percentage. Therefore it serves me no purpose to get him fired. That would probably just cost me money. If I had to pay him child support, I think I would seriously get a mental breakdown...
> He only contributes financially to daycare payments anyways. He didn't put in any money 3 out of 4 weeks this month and there's NOTHING I can do about that. I hate my life when it comes to him. What a crock of **** the law here is. WTF??? I hate no-fault divorce when there blatantly is!




I had a feeling this would be your answer, and yes, to have to support him too on top of everything else really would be an outrage


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