# Shall I respond in kind-Reciprocate?



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

I had to leave my country of birth where I found out about my wife's relationship affair with the OM. My family stayed behind for another 3 weeks. While waiting for their return, I met a divorced lady in a line for an airplane show. It turned out that she had worked at my previous workplace so we exchanged numbers. We spoke a couple of times and then decided to meet for lunch. Meanwhile my wife is back. From here on you know the story: lies, denial, anger, . . .

Now to the question. On another day of confrontation when I asked my wife for detail and got none, the lady called but I couldn't talk to her. Shall I continue meeting with her? From one side it gives me a boost of confidence that was lost due to the affair, but from another side I feel like I have to stay the course and not to do what she did to me. What's your opinion?

If this question has been asked before, please send me the link.

Thanks,
M.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Come on, you know two wrongs won't help the marriage. Stay true and be the honest and noble person. From some of the post's I've read the guilt will suck, plus do you need to complicate you life even more? 
If you go down that road let the wife know, then she can decide on which direction the marriage will go. Just be honest it will suck less then the guilt.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm big on reciprocation - for things like love, respect, kindness. I believe in pleasing your spouse sexually when they do so for you, in buying them little things you know they like because they've done so for you. I don't believe in reciprocation when it comes to belittling, arguing, yelling, or cheating. It serves no purpose. It leads to both people feeling resentful, neglected, ignored, disrespected, and not being able to trust. And without trust, there is no relationship.

Now, that's not to say you have no marriage. You can rebuild the trust. If she regrets what she has done, if she wants to work things out with you, then you two can rebuild the trust that is gone right now. But if you go out and do to her what she did to you, now neither of you trusts the other, and both of you would have to try to prove you can be trusted. Makes things very difficult.

Doing to her what she did to you will make you feel better in the short term, but it will do nothing for either of you in the long term.


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## Ravensno (Sep 3, 2010)

Point blank. Ask your wife if she wants to work things out. Then, decide if you feel you can trust her. Did this new lady make you feel you could move on if you had to? Do you want to move on and let your present marriage go?


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

I would say don't pursue this while you are still in your marriage. The end of an affiar is a messy unpleasant process. I believe the concept of a clean break is in practice hard to achieve so don't expect mircales too soon. Stay with it while you still have a chance (if that's what you want).


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