# I am so beyond pissed off! Need to vent.



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

My husband got a job at the end of January. He has nice benefits that you have to sign up for. I have asked about it off and on since he was hired.
I asked again over the weekend so yesterday he sat down to figure it out.

He just walked in a few minutes ago and said that the "window" for open enrollment already passed!!!  So now he has gone off to fight it.

I am so beyond pissed off. I don't know if I want to cry, rage or puke. I'm trying to stay calm by reminding myself that I still have medicaid cards for my kids.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You do have coverage for your children. That is good, very good. If you qualified for Medicaid for your children, you yourself might qualify for low cost insurance. I would encourage you to check with Medicaid and see what your options are. He will not be eligible for any government subsidized low cost insurance as he had private insurance offered to him and he "opted out" or at least that is how they will see it. You at least have a solid case for insurance for yourself. 
Having said all that, what he did is incredibly irresponsible and I totally understand your anger. Health insurance is not a luxury, it is a necessity. If something major were to happen, a single event could bankrupt even a wealthy family. Have you asked him why in 3 months he couldn't find the time to fill out some basic paperwork to ensure the health and financial safety of his family? If he isn't looking out for it, then you need to.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

He is covered automatically. It is the rest of us he has to now fight to get covered. *insert major eyeroll*

The kids are covered one way or another....but if his insurance plan falls through I will have to cancel an already made appointment for my youngest.

I'm going to pull out my employment stuff and see how many hours I have to work to qualify for their insurance program.

The insurance plan through my husband's work is FREE. Anything I get for myself will cost money.

I'm pretty sure procrastination is the reason he never did it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A lot of men simply never learn to be responsible in such ways; mom always took care of everything. Could that be the case?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

They probably never had insurance all growing up.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

notaname said:


> He is covered automatically. It is the rest of us he has to now fight to get covered. *insert major eyeroll*
> 
> The kids are covered one way or another....but if his insurance plan falls through I will have to cancel an already made appointment for my youngest.
> 
> ...


Procrastinating is taking down the Christmas lights well in to January, procrastinating is putting off doing laundry until the weekend because you don't feel like it. Not signing up for *free* company sponsored health insurance for your wife isn't procrastinating, it is all and out neglect. He has insurance and his children have insurance. Guess who he left out?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I mean, did he go out and get a job at 15 and support the family and save his money and buy a house at 19 and stuff like that? (That's my husband, btw)

Or did he just hang out at home and have fun and expect mom or dad to take care of things and not worry about anything more than where he was gonna hang out Saturday night?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Procrastinating is taking down the Christmas lights well in to January, procrastinating is putting off doing laundry until the weekend because you don't feel like it. Not signing up for *free* company sponsored health insurance for your wife isn't procrastinating, it is all and out neglect. He has insurance and his children have insurance. Guess who he left out?


 Brennan, that's why I was asking what his childhood was like. If he was the former, he's neglecting her. If it was the latter, he just wasn't wired to be responsible.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Yeah, I guess he's just wired different.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That doesn't mean he's a bad person...just different. Does he show love in other ways? I haven't read your other posts.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Oh, now he's saying it is fine that we were pre-approved. Well, that is fantastic.

OOPS, I misunderstood. Actually, the jury is still out so I am not allowed to cry and be upset because it hasn't been decided yet.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Brennan, that's why I was asking what his childhood was like. If he was the former, he's neglecting her. If it was the latter, he just wasn't wired to be responsible.


"Wired"? Taught! Held responsible. Made to suffer the consequences of his actions. Raised up so his wife does not have to.

Luckily, if you want, OP, you CAN raise him up. DH and I did that. We were both irresponsible, immature fools (luckily in different areas of like). We started setting boundaries. Learned and grew.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

notaname said:


> Oh, now he's saying it is fine that we were pre-approved. Well, that is fantastic.
> 
> OOPS, I misunderstood. Actually, the jury is still out so I am not allowed to cry and be upset because it hasn't been decided yet.


ALLOWED? To hell with that. YOU decide how you are going to react. And HE reaps the whirlwind. You play, you pay.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Oh I know I can feel and react how I want, that was more a statement of what I perceived his attitude to be.

He hasn't mentioned a single word about it since the comment about the jury still being out (which was said with me in another room, thus the confusion). He is acting all upbeat and fine and I am boiling inside. I don't know what I am supposed to say to him or how to talk about it.

I don't know what his consequences are for this. Me being mad and possibly uninsured?

All I know is that I can't trust him to take care of me in any way.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Look up "qualified status changes" on the internet. A qualified status change would allow him to enroll.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Brennan said:


> Procrastinating is taking down the Christmas lights well in to January, procrastinating is putting off doing laundry until the weekend because you don't feel like it. Not signing up for *free* company sponsored health insurance for your wife isn't procrastinating, it is all and out neglect. He has insurance and his children have insurance. Guess who he left out?


Over the top irresponsible


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

notaname said:


> Oh I know I can feel and react how I want, that was more a statement of what I perceived his attitude to be.
> 
> He hasn't mentioned a single word about it since the comment about the jury still being out (which was said with me in another room, thus the confusion). He is acting all upbeat and fine and I am boiling inside. I don't know what I am supposed to say to him or how to talk about it.
> 
> ...


Honestly, if it were me, I would make sure I had my own source of funds/ insurance. I would not rely on an irresponsible child.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> All I know is that I can't trust him to take care of me in any way.


Tell him that.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Tell him that.


Yes.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

And if you can't confirm that you and the kids are covered by his insurance, make sure that they're still Medicaid eligible given the new income from his job....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It actually sounds a bit passive aggressive.



notaname said:


> He is covered automatically. It is the rest of us he has to now fight to get covered. *insert major eyeroll*
> 
> The kids are covered one way or another....but if his insurance plan falls through I will have to cancel an already made appointment for my youngest.
> 
> ...


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Conrad said:


> It actually sounds a bit passive aggressive.


So, what should I do Conrad?  
I mean, there were other benefits, too, like dental and retirement that do effect him.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sue him to pay you to cover yourself and your kids. Fairly standard nowadays. If the ex wife can't afford her coverage then the exhub can pay the premiums (and just the premiums, no copay, deductible, etc.). A woman and couple of kids w/o chronic health issues should be able to get a plan for $500-700/month.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

notaname said:


> So, what should I do Conrad?
> I mean, there were other benefits, too, like dental and retirement that do effect him.


Do you get the sense that he "sometimes" doesn't do what you want him to do - just because you want him to do it?

If a man harbors some resentment, the battle against self to "serve others" gets more difficult to surmount.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Do you get the sense that he "sometimes" doesn't do what you want him to do - just because you want him to do it?
> 
> If a man harbors some resentment, the battle against self to "serve others" gets more difficult to surmount.


Okay, long story short. I had pretty much stop asking him to do anything and he pretty much stopped doing much. He was also only working 2 days a week for about 8 months. 
We went to MC so I started trying to let him know things rather than keeping everything inside and building resentment. He pretty much always responded that whatever it was was "no big deal." Meaning, I should just get over it.

So, one time I asked if he thought he could care about something simply because I cared about it. He responded that he used to care about things that I cared about but he doesn't anymore. That was probably around January.

I may have gotten the wording a little wrong, but that was what I felt he was saying. I also felt like he was saying that he is not interested in trying to care about things that I care about either.

We do not communicate well and never have. I hold things in too long (weeks) and then something will set me off and I will say something sarcastic.

He has a lot he could be resentful of. In MC I apologized for lots of stuff I have done that I had already changed. I would always try to include myself in any of my grievances so he didn't feel like I was dumping on him, but he would be fine with me saying that I had this or that to improve on but usually disagreed that he had this or that to improve on. Or he would list the reasons he does the things he does.

I do know that he sometimes still views me as being the same as I was when I was at my most withdrawn and unhappy. I have made major changes to my outward behavior and inward attitudes, but he still makes comments that lead me to believe he doesn't see the changes.

This was long and has really bad sentence structure. :rofl:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

So, this situation really tests those old demons.

Those are the most difficult speed bumps to navigate.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Conrad said:


> So, this situation really tests those old demons.
> 
> Those are the most difficult speed bumps to navigate.


Yeah, and I don't now how and I'm really tired and I'm about to give up.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

notaname said:


> Yeah, and I don't now how and I'm really tired and I'm about to give up.


If it makes you feel better, real progress often starts when everybody is ready to give up.

I kid you not.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Conrad said:


> If it makes you feel better, real progress often starts when everybody is ready to give up.
> 
> I kid you not.


This makes about the 3rd time for me. Maybe 3rd time is the charm.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

notaname said:


> This makes about the 3rd time for me. Maybe 3rd time is the charm.


Are you better with him or without him?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I work in a company that has such a poor response from some groups of employees regarding their benefits that they started holding open houses for the spouses, and sending family letters, even though federal laws make this risky. In conversation, I realized that a friend was procrastinating on a pension choice, and my rough calculation was that this was going to cost him a little over a million dollars. What I'm saying is that I've learned to never underestimate a person's ability to avoid these types of choices. However, when it affects the wife and children, even passive aggressive issues shouldn't be tolerated. As I'm typing this, your situation still makes me angry. The outcome is your choice, but his behavior is inexcusable.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Give us more detail on your situation.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Conrad, I just don't know. I have been with him my entire adult life. 

turnera, my intro post can be found here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/21467-15-yrs-we-have-lots-problems.html

Since that post I changed my entire attitude about sex and our sex life improved drasticly. I never turn him down and even initiate and he says I "spoil" him in that regard.
I have tried to hint and ask for him to do things to increase my attraction which he does not do (like whiten teeth, better clothes, lose weight). He says I am materialistic for caring about that stuff.

I am still often frustrated, sad and angry. I do not feel that my needs are being met. I am unhappy with our relationship and life and have been for years. I literally have a hard time looking him in the eyes. That had gotten somewhat better over the last 2 months, but after this past few days I feel like I've lost any ground that I had gained.
I feel worst about our relationship when I have PMS, so I do try to take that into account. However, it isn't like I feel great about it the rest of the month. I have a lot of resentment...I try to set it aside but whenever something like this event happens it all flares back up. Then I feel hopeless. 
I did emotionally withdraw little by little over the years, sometimes it is worse than others. He felt it. It has probably been the worst before we got counseling. I feel like I have withdrawn again this week.

We are in the process of filing for bankruptcy. 

We live with my parents, who are disappointed in us. They wonder sometimes if they should kick us out because it doesn't seem that my husband is motivated to make changes even though he says he wants to live on our own. They worry that they are enabling rather than helping. We have 3 kids and I am sure that is what keeps my parents from doing that. Plus we are all pretty much conflict avoiders. We all do benefit from the living arrangement.

Often times I do not like being around him in the house because I find myself mentally nitpicking. 
When we are out as a family or together we usually have fun.

My husband seems to think he is just the busiest person around, even when he was only working 2 days a week. This is often his excuse for not doing something. He spends 40 hours a week watching tv/computer, easily. He does very little in the way of household chores, no yard work, and he really struggles with parenting. The children adore him, but do not obey him because he never follows through.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Does he read this forum?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Does he read this forum?


Probably not. I've made sure he knows about MarriedManSexLife blog, but I don't think he reads that at all either.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Have you considered that he may have adult ADHD? Your husband sounds a lot like my husband and he was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD. It's helped me a lot to forgive him and let go of my resentment because I realize he's not doing these things intentionally to hurt me and the kids, his brain just doesn't function like other people. 

He sounds like he has a lot of the symptoms - not good with money, zoning out in front of the tv/computer, but thinking he's getting a lot done, forgetful of important things, but defensive when you bring up the important subjects. . . it sounds very familiar.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He sounds spoiled to me. He KNOWS you'll take care of him, he KNOWS your parents will take care of him, so why should he do anything? He's got a great life - only have to work 2 days a week and get to be a 12 year old again. Oh, and his wife is giving him all the sex he wants now. 

Why change?

That said, if you DO want to keep him (though I wonder why), go get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it out loud to him. If he refuses to listen to the book, go get a duffle bag and pack his stuff and throw it outside. 

Maybe THAT will get his attention.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, forgot to say the HNHN discusses why you have a VALID need for him to fix his appearance for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Personally, any man who would ACCEPT an offer from my parents to house him for any reason other than a medical emergency is a man I would have nothing to do with. IMO, that is shameful. For HIM, not you. I don't believe in men living off of other people, especially his wife's parents.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At the very least, he should be turning over his entire two-whole-days' worth of salary to your parents. Is he?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NotaName,

What does he really really like? About you? Activities? Anything that really stokes him?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Conrad said:


> NotaName,
> 
> What does he really really like? About you? Activities? Anything that really stokes him?


He loves to mountain bike. He has mentioned wanting to climb a fourteener with me this summer. He dreams of buying a new bike and a new used car. He really likes visiting his family.

He likes that I am beautiful. He likes sex. 


*UPDATE* for everyone: His employer opened back up open enrollment and he is on the other computer finalizing everything right now. It appears that one of the forms he had been given had the wrong deadline on it and he didn't look at the secondary packet they sent for a new date. He does accept responsibility, but also did not have a clear understanding of the deadline.

We are all insured! YAY! :smthumbup:

tunera, he does have a new job now and works 4 days at it. He still works at his business the 5th day and some evenings.
His schedule has fluctuated a lot over the past several years. I am just saying that even at his lightest schedule he felt overworked and "busy" all the time.


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