# We're in a mess ....



## hubbyoftheyear (Jul 3, 2013)

Hi all - first post - forgive me for not browsing as I'm sure there's pretty similar stories out there - but I just got to write this down I guess.

My wife and I will be 20 years married this August - we have 2 teenage daughters of 14 and 16. 

I'm a passive type of guy - I generally will defer to others wishes unless they are completely and obviously wrong. My wife is volatile and quite apt to fly into a mad rage of shouting, smashing stuff etc - and then usually has a fit of self pity and becomes apologetic and loving again. This was always the case even before we married - but I loved her then just as I do now - I always thought I could handle the screaming meanies - mainly just by waiting patiently for the storm to pass and being there to assure her afterwards. We had one major argument in her house before our marriage and when I suggested we perhaps live together first - this didn't go down too well and I just had enough ear bashing and said I was outa there and got in my car to go home - next thing my half naked fiance was sprawled over the front of my car with her face squashed against the windscreen begging me not to go with her neighbors twitching the curtains lol ... you get the picture I think 

Due to circumstances beyond my control we ended up in a fairly depressing house when newly wed - but love is blind and we just enjoyed the experience of being together 24/7. The kids came along and we both shared the duties - all in all a good time with the usual tantrums but nothing I couldn't wait and talk down.

Our social life was fairly normal but my wife was very jealous of any other woman who talked to me - this included all my friends girlfriends and wives - so gradually I saw less and less of them and my social circle pretty much disappeared.

About 5 years ago it seemed to get to the point where there was nothing I did seemed to be right for her .... I think I had no other recourse but to retreat further than I ever did before. I moved out of the bedroom as I felt I was just the catalyst for all this increased bad temper. I actually had to sleep in the lower bunk of one of my kids rooms - but one day I came in from work and found my wife and (embarrassingly) my nephew had moved our old 'first bed' into a store room along with all my clothes etc. So I was deposited in there whether I liked it or not while my wife had bought a new bed for our old bedroom.

Next there was a witch hunt performed by her on me as she searched my pockets, my phone etc etc for evidence of me having an affair - which I wasn't.

I did spend the odd night in 'her' bed over the period - and actually the karma in the house seemed more settled this way.

I've lost count of the times I've wandered down the hall and told myself to just open her door and tell her enough of this - I'm moving back into the bedroom - but ashamedly an element of 'losing face' was involved between us - and I also seriously feared the disruptions would start over and now the kids were old enough to take all that stuff onboard ... 

I seem fated to have obstacles tossed in my direction every time I reach a point where I want to stop this and just return to what we were - the most sinister one being just over a year ago when her iPhone beeped beside me one night and I saw an obviously male explicit post coital related message pop up with a girls name listed as the sender. 

My wife is a self employed counselor (not marriage tho lol) and had been claiming that lately some sessions were in the evenings - this and the fact that her 'girl' nights out had recently had her returning at 3 am and sober (she likes to drink until practically comatose usually) clicked into place.

I had just bought her a car because rather than ask me to help she had taken the advice of my nephew and bought herself a junker and blown all her money ... it was a death trap and both her and the kids were going to go in it ... no way

I got the car for her birthday and it was to herald the return of peace - but instead it looked like I was trying to buy her back from her lover. She did confess all (there were more than one) and said she loved me. I was in total devastation but I really do love her so I moved back into the bedroom - but I just couldn't get the thoughts of other men having touched her just hours before out of my head ... my wife wanted me to make love to her and I was just so still in shock and embarrassing in my attempt - this then sent me into a spiral of self-confidence - the other guys were the virile men in her life and I was now inadequate .... paranoia maybe .. but in the circumstances I feel justified to have been distracted.

I crawled off licking my wounds again and got into depression.

I gradually got over it - I think I also used celebacy as a weapon of revenge a bit too I'll admit that. I did however explain to her that I loved her and throughout I didn't shirk in my famiy role as the payer of the mortgage and all other bills - we still functioned as a unit - I just felt I couldn't compete after 18 years of marriage with the excitement and novelty that other guys were giving her. From what I can gather she has been pretty prolific and indiscrete in her extra marital partners (I started getting taunting anonymous emails at one stage asking me who my wife was @@@@ing tonite).

The latest bombshell however was when our 16 year old daughter found the explicit sex messages from one of my wife's lovers on her phone. My daughter told my wife that she was basically abusing me, taking advantage of me and was disgusted with her.

My wife then had little choice but to confess to her and decided that she would have to move out .... with me contributing to the cost of renting a house of course!

I told her it was her decision and when she said she'd maybe try it for 6 months I told her that if she moved out then she was starting a new life and I would not cross the doorstep of the house. This seemed to shock her ... but she finally agreed that that was indeed the enevitable outcome. She also confessed in private that she just couldn't seem to stop herself picking up guys and basically using them.

I then told her that I still loved her and I would stand by her decision but if she stayed then I'd return to the bedroom and we'd work through this together and even if she felt the need to have a minor fling and did it discreetly and safely then I'd understand but I'd expect that to stop.

As we talked it was clear that we had strong feelings toward each other - and though it was awkward just at that moment I could see her distain for me disappear.

She had a girls night out last friday and was staying over at one girlfriends (thats usual with this particular crowd) Before leaving she came into the room and said 'I'll come home if you want to join me in bed' - I was overjoyed. She then said well she would only stay over if one of her other girlfriends stayed over too - but hopefully she'd be home .. wink wink

I stayed up until 3am and it was obvious the girls had decided to stay over so no more was said. The bedroom door was closed to me the following night - but I expected that - a girls night out means a 2 day hangover!

On monday she phoned me to say she'd kept her appointment to view the houses but wasn't moving ..... I immediately gushed out a lot of pent up emotional stuff and told her I'd drop my inhibitions and insecurities about being compared to her recent lovers etc etc. 

She then told me that she'd actually spent the night out with a man.

Long silence ..... I said 'Why would you leave me sitting at home "on a promise" and do that?' She said she'd done it to see if that was the life she wanted ... it was her test to herself. She said she wanted me.

I said "But why tell me??" .... I haven't heard the real answer to that yet.

It's now wednesday night and I'm expected to go to bed with her ...... I want to .... and I will just for a cuddle and to hold her ..... but I'm hurting so much and confused. Part of me wants to throw her and her belongings in the street and another part (the greater part) tells me to just accept that it happened and try and fix it all up.

What's the advice?


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Get tested for STDs. Kick her out.

Why would you stay? Can you even count how many men she's slept with during the course of your marriage? I don't even know if this post is real. 

She makes you wait up all night for her while she's out banging another man and you want to cuddle and hold her? 

She has no respect for you. She never will. She has had no consequences and you don't seem willing to give her any. Unless you MAN UP and demand respect, you will only have 20 more years of the same.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm going to apologize for my time in advance, but you are a doormat among doormats. Your wife has ZERO respect for you and resents the h$ll out of you for being such a doormat. Grow a spine and get rid of her! Did your see the Family Guy episode where Loretta cheats on Cleveland with Quagmire and he apologizes for being boring? That's you! Loretta: "I cheat on you and YOU apologize to me? I need a man with some passion!" Cmon, put yourself together and end this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello Hubbyoftheyear,

Sorry you are here, your username is says it ALL!

Sorry this is going to hurt, but my words are absolutely nothing compared to [email protected] bullsh1t your gutless spineless wife has done to over the years! She is master at *Emotional Torture* and has been doing it to you for many years. 

Get tested for ALL STD’s NOW! Your wife is a, please excuse my language here again, but a [email protected] lover and nothing else, she uses men for pleasure and then comes home to you and belittles YOU at every opportunity and treats you like a door mat husband, which BTW YOU are!!!!!! Your wife along with her toxic friends is living the footloose life style of being married with extra benefits and you ALLOW IT! ENOUGH!!!!! 

*YOU NEED TO MAN-UP FAST! There is nothing to SAVE from this marriage but yourself and your children, and file for divorce! NOW!!*

*"The End of a New Beginning"​*OWN THOSE WORDS!!!!!!


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I am so sorry you are here. You remind me of the abused wife whose husband is controlling and finally isolates her so that she only has him. Then, she just becomes a shell of herself. This is what has happened to you. No friends anymore, going along with everything to get along, sleeping in the bottom bunk of a kids room, then in the store room. And finally, accepting her open affairs. Even your daughter recognizes her as an abuser. In your case, I think it would be better if she did leave. You need some time to pick yourself up and you need to get some counseling to see why you let yourself become a shell of a person.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

hubbyoftheyear said:


> I said "But why tell me??" .... I haven't heard the real answer to that yet.


For the humiliation. And to see how much of this you'll swallow. 




> What's the advice?


Show some respect for yourself and the rest of the world will show some respect for you as well. It will begin by throwing this one out. Short of murdering you there isn't much left for her to do in terms of negating you as a human being.


----------



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

That is not a marriage. That is not even a friendship. That is not even someone anyone would want to date (basically one night stand material). Get your life back. You stay put. She screwed things up, she made her choices so she should have to leave. That is an unmoral person with a very poor value system. Trash to be frank.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Tonite when she is asleep, go get her purse and retrieve your balls and kick her sorry azz out!


----------



## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

I'm new here, so I don't want to give much advice on topics as I feel I'm not experienced enough to give valid advice, BUT I have to agree with Tufluv, and Flying pheonix! Time to kick her out, file for divorce. I am against divorce as much as possible, but infidelity like this, and the way she treats you is against what God says, and after all she has put you through I don't see any reason to be able to forgive what she has done. Time to kick her to the curb, and move on! Your kids are near adult age...they will understand.


----------



## gilczbq (Jul 3, 2013)

She screwed things up, she made her choices so she should have to leave. That is an unmoral person with a very poor value system.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh RUN! This one is so far from being worthy to R.

Honestly. This is one of the biggest doormat threads Ive seen.

OP. What state? See if it matters if you can prove adultry.

BTW you did save the evidence right?


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

What's the advice? *RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!*

Did you think you would get any other kind of advice? This is so not a relationship worth saving. It never was. You saw the writing on the wall, yet you still married her. OK - you were young and in love, BUT THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO!. You made a big mistake back then. 

But why it's taken 20 years to leave this miserable cheating wretch of a woman is beyond me. It seems like whatever she does, you must rug sweep it, or believe it's your fault, or think you deserve it.

You are a very abused man. You need help. Get into counseling ASAP to understand why you think you deserve to be treated this way. Your poor kids. This is killing them.

You haven't read many posts here at TAM, but I have, and yours may win the award as the person treated most like a doormat. Sorry immediately. There is nothing here to think about.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not quite the biggest doormat thread but close. I can think of about three where the wife asked for space to try the other man and he literally let her go screw another man for a couple months and he would wait.


----------



## hubbyoftheyear (Jul 3, 2013)

firefly789 said:


> You need some time to pick yourself up and you need to get some counseling to see why you let yourself become a shell of a person.


You hit a nail there .... I absolutely hate telling this ... but I'm anonymous here so .... I've carried some damage due to being a victim of sexual abuse by my father as a child. As he was my father he had complete control of my life ... and my mother's too so if I'd tried telling her then she would have been powerless to do much except damage herself more than she already was (secret drinking to the point of liver and pancreas damage) ... I'm loathe to discuss this with anyone to tell the truth .... a 50 year old guy talking about things that happened 40 years ago that nobody can change .... I've always felt it looks just like a 'sympathy' ploy and to be frank I've only plucked up courage enough to tell my GP and a family counselor about this - and the reactions were more shock than help from them  It did not/does not feel 'right' to me to talk of this .... I am an adult now .... my father is dead ... he won ... its my job to deal with my life going forward just like a fighter who has lost a battle and lived to fight again .... maybe a tad melodramatic - but you know what I mean.

I'm well conditioned to deal with abuse - I have barriers I relied on in my youth I can set in place .... and I need those barriers to be taken away somehow and made unusable ever again.

I of course told all about my past to my wife before we were married .... and my father was still alive for the first couple of years of our marriage and even though my wife is quick to speak her mind and sometimes regret the consequences later she experienced the 'taboo' element of confronting an abuser in a family circle. It's certainly frustrating ..... and using the knowledge the wrong way can become toxic in so many ways. I don't even know if my mother was aware of the abuse .... and I just couldn't confront an 80 year old woman with this now - if she did know about it and was intimidated into keeping quiet about it then raking that up will destroy her ..... if she didn't know about it then it still has the same effect.

It raises some perfectly reasonable questions to your partner too .... I can guess right now the males out there are reading this and finding it hard to handle .... I'm not your standard male role model that had the same boyhood as you .... there's a taint on me right now and you'll be sympathetic ... but the door looks a mighty fine place to run through I bet 

The females will probably think has this made him a potential paedophile too? Are those kids ok? ... has he touched them?

You're damned if you tell and damned if you don't .... it is probably the most terrible of all abuse in my opinion - but I DONT WANT SYMPATHY. (and I'd kill myself before I'd ever do anything remotely like it to my children I assure you - but would you really want to take the chance .... thats the question???)

Man, you see the amount of crap I gotta say about my long ago past just to justify saying it at all? I just feel I'm whining...



FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hello Hubbyoftheyear,
> 
> Sorry you are here, your username is says it ALL!


LOL - just me being sarcastic .... take no notice.



FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Sorry this is going to hurt, but my words are absolutely nothing compared to [email protected] bullsh1t your gutless spineless wife has done to over the years! She is master at *Emotional Torture* and has been doing it to you for many years.
> 
> Get tested for ALL STD’s NOW! Your wife is a, please excuse my language here again, but a [email protected] lover and nothing else, she uses men for pleasure and then comes home to you and belittles YOU at every opportunity and treats you like a door mat husband, which BTW YOU are!!!!!! Your wife along with her toxic friends is living the footloose life style of being married with extra benefits and you ALLOW IT! ENOUGH!!!!!
> 
> *YOU NEED TO MAN-UP FAST! *


True words too .... and in fact echoed by my wife before we embarked on this last reconciliation period. We have agreed that we will spend this month trying our damnest to be honest and open and put the trust back to where it was 5 or 6 years ago and look at closing up the 'escape' routes we've indulged ourselves with.

STDs are not in question .... we've both been checked.

I previously bullet pointed just the bad points with regard to my wife and the recent issues ..... but I have baggage too of course.

I made myself a doormat simply because I lost all self confidence .... my wife naturally knows my weak points to hit and I let it get to me. This is just her nature - she has a temper she can't control sometimes - but usually there's an equal dose of contriteness immediately afterwards and she's not the complete monster I may have portrayed ... I've always loved her for trusting me .... giving me a chance.

I got depressed and uncommunicative due to just too many hits coming from not just her but other life angles .... work etc. When I tried to use my doctor to discuss this I of course had to come clean about some of my past and why I can put up a defensive wall .... he did his best .... but it boiled down to a box of happy pills and a phone number for a support group and then the door. Then again, what more could he do?

By not dealing with/reacting in a more territorially challenged manner with the 'straying' issues when I first knew about them I left the door of temptation open ... and lets face it, a woman can pick up nearly any single guy in a bar for a one night stand if she wants to and they can be younger, better looking, got all the new stories to tell than the boring old husband she has at home!

Maybe we've travelled our road as far as it goes I just don't know. Maybe I appear to her to just want her near because she's accepted my past and trusted me .... the worst thing is if I raise my voice and 'Man Up' the killer is I associate it with the way my father used to act.... so it gets pent up and I just don't know where to unload it without appearing to be unhinged. My wife is much more of a 'have a argument and then make up' type. All I know is, pathetic as it might seem to you, I still love her and regardless of how she has portrayed me to mutual friends and relatives I feel I need to fight for what I believe.

So .... I've added a new dynamic to the whole issue and I'm acutely aware I'm rambling too .... I guess I'm just waiting until the end of the month and I'll hear whats what and can plan either a better life or a whole new life.

I'm deliberately restraining myself from just trying to resume from where it was before it went wrong. My wife has her own decisions to make and I can plainly see that process going on with her .... I just want us to try and gently re-find ourselves as a couple first ... and if she rejects me then I will accept that it's not to be and she can go embark on her new life and I'll probably turn the hurt into resentment and that will be the final wall between us for ever.

FWIW most others I've talked to came to the conclusion that I should kick her out, let her go and be damned ... but at the same time I need to do what I and only I want to do. Without her input it's probably the natural reaction that most will have.

Thanks for listening - I've abused your patience I'm sure if you've made it this far ... but it helped me .... I think


----------



## chazmataz3 (May 29, 2013)

I personally don't see why your childhood abuse issues should be a factor in responses to your present problems.What I fail to see is why you would wait for her to make any decisions.:scratchhead:


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am sorry to read about what happened in your past, but do you not see that you are allowing it to happen to you again? Only its your wife abusing you instead of your father. You claim that you love her...you are as big a sucker as my ex, who remarried his STILL cheating first wife! Your post made me want to vomit, between the triggering, and disgust that anyone would CHOOSE to live that way! Think of your daughter! Even SHE knows you are being abused, what kind of example are you setting for her? Your wife is disgusting, kick her cheating ass out of your house. Use this as a catalyst to reclaim some self respect, and to purge your past.


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

HOTY thank you for sharing your past. I know that took courage. When I was younger I was a volunteer counselor at a camp for abused children. Do you know that there were as many boys as girls there. It is becoming more acknowledged, but boys are sexually abused at almost the same rate as girls are. It is very confusing for a boy growing up because it messes with them finding their way into manhood. It makes their teenage years especially difficult. 

It's unfortunate that your W did not support and help you work through this. Instead, she has actually exploited that weakness of yours because you just put into place your coping strategies and deal with it. Whereas, you should be standing up for yourself and not accepting this kind of treatment. Yes, sexual abuse has a long arm and will continue to affect your life until you have dealt with it. That means counseling.

Everyone has pretty much said the same thing - it's time to leave her. You're probably not going to actually be able to do that until you regain your self worth because you are so beaten down. You sound needy for your wife because at least she accepts you (kind of in your mind, but in reality not so much.) You've hooked up with a different kind of abuser.

I hope you get counseling and start building your self worth. Find someone who is qualified to deal with sexual abuse. Believe me, your story will not shock them or disgust them. Do not carry shame. I hope you see the love for you in your kids' eyes. YOU HAVE GOT TO START TAKING STEPS TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION.


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

hubbyoftheyear said:


> Y
> The females will probably think has this made him a potential paedophile too? Are those kids ok? ... has he touched them?


I just have to add something because of what you said. My mother was also abused as a child. Her father beat the crap out of her and she always carried a scar across her eyebrow from when he threw a shovel at her. He's lucky he never killed one of his kids with what he did. Also, she was sexually abused by her older brothers.

My mother was one of the most wonderful, kind, loving people ever. She never lifted a hand to us. Just because she had that in her past does not mean that she had to become it. I don't know where you're getting that from. Also, I did not know about her sexual abuse until I was a young adult. She was 50ish and went to counseling because of it. She was a strong, well balanced, amazing woman and yet, she had to deal with her past when she was in her 50s. 

Also, you won't get much sympathy here, but you will get understanding and lots of honest advice. I hope you post more and let us know how you are doing. We care (in an anonymous kind of way.)


----------

