# My wife just told me she has no sex drive



## AMFM (Jan 30, 2013)

My wife and I went through some major changes 2 years ago. We uprooted from New York City to live in her hometown in Japan for a quieter pace of life to start a family. We tried for about a year without luck to make a baby. My wife complained that her mother sometimes nagged her about having a baby. Then my wife started worrying about how a woman's body will change. Then I noticed she started to get scared to have sex. After a talk, she said she wasn't ready to have a baby. We dropped sex for about a month, and I picked up condoms and stuck them on their pillow thinking I could spark up the romance at least that way. She was immediately interested - for 1 night only. Then the sex that had been very good up until she was afraid of sex - had stopped. She put away the condoms I'm not sure where... We talked at great length about what's going on, and she says she loves me and thinks I'm handsome excetra, but she just does not feel sexy anymore. She was as upset as I was and feels that she has failed us both. Sorry to be long-winded - my concern is that counselors in Japan don't have very good patient / doctor confidentiality and she's afraid and/or doesn't want to talk to anyone about this. Her medical history includes 1 abortion when she was a teen, sometimes sold her body for sex, and on and off depression. She spent a year in counseling to deal with child issues (about her parents and sexuality) in the first year of our marriage (this is now our 5th). Since her counseling, her mental emotional health has been pretty good until now. I try to share my feelings with her in a non-judgmental way, and we both agreed to see how things go but both discussed how divorce could be a possibility. At the moment, she seems too depressed underneath it all to try to change, and mental health issues in Japan are again too supersensitive in Japan for her to even want to consider any kind of meds or therapy...

Any help or suggestions - success stories? would be greatly appreciated. Will to take the crunchy with the smooth from any posters out there. Thanks!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You need to take actions for a positive resolution. She needs either therapy, medication, or both. Or, you just need to demand sex. Or, you could divorce her.

Just hugging it out and hoping she changes her attitude will never work.

Good luck.


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## AMFM (Jan 30, 2013)

Thanks. Divorce will be a last resort because this is marriage number 2 for me, and I don't have a great support network here. Just the same, I probably need to pick up that book called the MAP that others have been talking about...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Firm up your own boundaries and deal-breakers.

You have little control over hers. Given what she has grappled with in terms of growing up, choices she made, and depression, it isn't clear how much control she has over her own boundaries and feelings.

It's easy for folks here in the west to say, 'get therapy'. Therapy is not equal in all countries or cultures.

Seriously ... the biggest thing I think you need to get your head around is that this 'stuff' is hers. You can support her ... but there really isn't a blessed thing you can do, or make her do to fix it.

Sounds like you have sacrificed a great deal to be with this woman. Decide how much, if anything else you are willing to sacrifice to remain in a marriage that she isn't sure she wants, and you aren't happy with.


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## AMFM (Jan 30, 2013)

Thanks I will give this some thought.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you had a bad experience at work and decided "Hey, I'm not working any more.", what would she say? She'd tell you to go figure out why you had the bad experience and move on and find another job.

Or, she'd take matters into her own hands and find a job herself, but I don't think she'd put up with you hanging around the house all day. The implicit agreement you two have is that as part of being married, you will go out, work and support (or help support) the household.

Same thing with her. She had problems... OK. She needs to find a way of dealing with them. Sexual intimacy is implied in a monogamous marriage.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

AMFM said:


> Just the same, I probably need to pick up that book called the MAP that others have been talking about...


The book is called the Married Man Sex Life Primer. The MAP if the Marriage Action Plan, which is a strategy described in the book.
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Not that I want to play the affair card to early, but from I read...

-You are planning on having a child
-You move to Japan, where she's from, to raise a family
-Sex suddenly drops right off
-She starts having excuses as to why she won't have sex and why she won't consider counselling, which apparently worked very well in the past
-She takes sex completely off the table, and even hides your condoms
-She'd rather discuss divorce than discuss going to counselling, I assume because a divorce is less difficult than any possible confidentially issues she might get from a doctor (which, unless she is a celebrity, what doctor is going to care about blabbing her issues when he/she sees 100's of patients a day possibly)/

In one year she's gone from wanting to raise a family with you to cutting sex off completely and discussing divorce? All after moving to her hometown, where she is much more likely to run into someone from her past?


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Not that I want to play the affair card to early, but from I read...
> 
> -You are planning on having a child
> -You move to Japan, where she's from, to raise a family
> ...


It does lead one to wonder. 

OP, have you considered moving back to the States? the original purpose of moving to Japan was to start a family, but that is now off the table. If you did move back to the States, perhaps your SO would be more confident about counseling and confidentiality?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

AMFM said:


> My wife and I went through some major changes 2 years ago. We uprooted from New York City to live in her hometown in Japan for a quieter pace of life to start a family. We tried for about a year without luck to make a baby. My wife complained that her mother sometimes nagged her about having a baby. Then my wife started worrying about how a woman's body will change. Then I noticed she started to get scared to have sex. After a talk, she said she wasn't ready to have a baby. We dropped sex for about a month, and I picked up condoms and stuck them on their pillow thinking I could spark up the romance at least that way. She was immediately interested - for 1 night only. Then the sex that had been very good up until she was afraid of sex - had stopped. She put away the condoms I'm not sure where... We talked at great length about what's going on, and she says she loves me and thinks I'm handsome excetra, but she just does not feel sexy anymore. She was as upset as I was and feels that she has failed us both. Sorry to be long-winded - my concern is that counselors in Japan don't have very good patient / doctor confidentiality and she's afraid and/or doesn't want to talk to anyone about this. Her medical history includes 1 abortion when she was a teen, sometimes sold her body for sex, and on and off depression. She spent a year in counseling to deal with child issues (about her parents and sexuality) in the first year of our marriage (this is now our 5th). Since her counseling, her mental emotional health has been pretty good until now. I try to share my feelings with her in a non-judgmental way, and we both agreed to see how things go but both discussed how divorce could be a possibility. At the moment, she seems too depressed underneath it all to try to change, and mental health issues in Japan are again too supersensitive in Japan for her to even want to consider any kind of meds or therapy...
> 
> Any help or suggestions - success stories? would be greatly appreciated. Will to take the crunchy with the smooth from any posters out there. Thanks!


Hi! My mummy grew up in Japan and I used to live there.

Mental health has a HUGE, HUGE stigma and it's likely she will refuse and for good reason. 

I don't have a whole lot to say accept this is likely very hard on her and if you love her, try to work through it. 

There's a **** ton of porn in Japan, fyi.


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## AMFM (Jan 30, 2013)

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I'll be in touch and let you know what happens.


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