# Boyfriend is a ****, it has damaged me mentally/emotionally...



## VanessaR (Nov 12, 2013)

I came here for help, because I am really stuck at the moment and I don't know what to do. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We plan on getting married in 6 months and have been having a lot of problems with his fantasies since our engagement last year in December. 

The first time he brought this fantasy up (it was relatively early on in our relationship), I thought he was only half serious, and I didn't really realize how big it was in his life. Since our right before our engagement, he has not stopped bringing it up. Asking me to have sex with other men while he watched, asking me to degrade him during sex and tell him which of my friends I want to have sex with...

In the beginning I played along because I saw how "happy" it made him, and because I wanted to make our relationship better. I am still pretty young (23) and he is in his 30's. But it has made me more and more unhappy every time, and has made me feel very degraded. 

So I have told him...several times that it makes me very unhappy and I don't like it, and want it to stop. He will stop for a short while, but then just end up bringing it up again. And again. To the point where we couldn't have conversations outside the bedroom during the day without him bringing it up somehow in our text messages. 

He has pushed me and pushed me and tried to convince me that I would be making him so so happy if I were to do it, and it seems like the only time I truly satisfy him sexually is when I am getting him off by degrading him and telling him that I want to have sex with other men. It's at the point where I have totally lost attraction for him, because I see him as less of a man. I don't respect him anymore because I don't feel like he is protective and caring over me. I feel like he just doesn't value or respect my body or my feelings. Even when he holds me and tells me he loves me...I just don't believe it anymore. 

When he does suppress it for short times, there is a LOT of sexual tension. He apologizes for everything he does and says that is sex-related because he thinks I will get mad at him. Even though I explained that the only thing that bothers me is the fetish. It's literally driving me mad. I want a man that acts like a man. To top it off, he has problems with jealousy. And clinginess. Right after talking about the fantasy and after he has had his orgasm, he freaks out and starts begging me not to leave and asking me if I love him.

I am beginning to think he has some severe emotional and psychological issues. I am not perfect myself, but I don't know if I can live with this. It's scaring me because I love him very much, and outside of this we have a very good relationship. But this has affected the way I see him, our sex life, and...well...everything.

I am very depressed and have so much anxiety. Someone please help. Any word of advice is very appreciated. I am so scared I am going to regret my decision, but I am so close to calling off the marriage and moving on.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Interesting how "common" this is all of a sudden.


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## VanessaR (Nov 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Interesting how "common" this is all of a sudden.


I knew nothing of it up until rather recently. The thought would have never occurred to me that someone would find it enjoyable.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I offered this to my gf before my wife as a way to flame up an otherwise poor relationship. We had MMF and MFF threesomes which was great, however I lost respect for her and it spelled the end of any emotional attachment that I had with her. She just became my little wh--e.

My wife was different, when I offered it she said no, when I pushed it she yelled "I'm NOT some sl-t that you pass around to your mates". And so I stopped, and eventually grew to love her more, respect her more, to the point nowadays the idea of it disgusts me and I'd rather have her all to myself. The fantasies are still there however, but it stays there, no way would I want to live it out with my wife. During seperation this year I was already going to beat down her OM so I guess I'm freed from the 'cuckold curse' lol

This fantasy for me has its roots in my lack of trust of the female gender due to abandonment as a child by my mother at the age of 12 and knowledge of her affairs on my father - including the fact that her bf convinced her to kick me out on the streets. The way I saw it -> if I can't control a woman's fidelity I wish to control her infidelity. That way, I'll never be in for any surprises or trauma like in my youth.

It's ironic because I was otherwise a very secure man who was never clingy or jealous - possibly because I turned my fears into lust and fantasies. My wife never gave me such a luxury, and over the years proved her loyalty to me. So I got over it. The moral of the story: You need to be very clear with your boundaries and express the fact that it is a dealbreaker if he keeps pushing it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think its likely a good thing (although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it) that you found this out before marriage. There is no way you should get into a marriage if this is something that doesn't sit well with you.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm open minded and realize that people are into different things but this is one fetish that I will never, ever, never, ever understand.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I just spelled it out, and you still don't understand? lol


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## VanessaR (Nov 12, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> The moral of the story: You need to be very clear with your boundaries and express the fact that it is a dealbreaker if he keeps pushing it.


What if he accepts it at first, but then it bottles up and comes out again? It happens all the time and I'm starting to give up hope that he can ever keep it to himself. 



MissScarlett said:


> I think its likely a good thing (although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it) that you found this out before marriage. There is no way you should get into a marriage if this is something that doesn't sit well with you.


I guess so  But it breaks my heart that this is separating us. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me...but every time I try to shut off my feelings I end up feeling worse and can't do it. 



ntamph said:


> I'm open minded and realize that people are into different things but this is one fetish that I will never, ever, never, ever understand.


So am I. I am not a prude by any means at all...but I could never wrap my brain around this one. Why not just be swingers? Why get married? Especially when the love and respect eventually becomes lost.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

VanessaR said:


> What if he accepts it at first, but then it bottles up and comes out again? It happens all the time and I'm starting to give up hope that he can ever keep it to himself.


If he still pushes it then it's his responsibility and he will have to understand the consequences of his actions -> Leave him.

Your job is to keep your boundaries up and enforce the consequences if he pushes it any further. My wife never caved and made me choose between my fantasies or her. She was ready to let me go, and so I chose her.

You have to be ready to let him go if he keeps disrespecting your worth like this.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I can only speak for myself but my fetishes and fantasies have only deepened with time. My husband doesn't share them with me - which is not a dealbreaker - but of course there is always small reminders of the way your perfect sex life would be vs the reality. If the person you marry is not a person that is able to fulfill your fantasies that means you go without. For life.

From your description it doesn't sound like he's likely to leave this behind. Instead he keeps trying to pull you into it and manipulating you into acting like its your thing.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

VanessaR said:


> I came here to help, because I am really stuck at the moment and I don't know what to do.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We plan on getting married in 6 months and have been having a lot of problems with his fantasies since our engagement last year in December.
> 
> ...



If he doesn't drop this fantasy, please, don't marry him!!! You can do and deserve so much better.

He isn't ready to settle down and with you and he still has some growing up to do.

When I was 24 to 25, I was more mentally ready than him at age 30!!!

If my wife did everything that popped into my head, sure I would be happy, but at her cost and our marriage. Some fantasies should remain just that.

He has some serious mental issues that need addressing and he has to get therapy.

RandomDude, lived it and the aftermath.

Bottom line, you have to spell it out for him. If he truly loves you, he will respect you. If he wants to marry you, he should be very happy and only want to be with you. As it stands, either he gives up this fantasy crap of his, gets some help or please, don't marry him!!!


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## kimd (Oct 12, 2013)

I would end this relationship. While I am very open minded as to fantasies, involving other men or women is dangerous. Call me old fashioned, but I like having a husband and only having sex with him.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

kimd said:


> I would end this relationship. While I am very open minded as to fantasies, involving other men or women is dangerous. Call me old fashioned, but I like having a husband and only having sex with him.


Well said:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

VanessaR said:


> What if he accepts it at first, but then it bottles up and comes out again? *It happens all the time *and I'm starting to give up hope that he can ever keep it to himself.



Honestly, I think you've answered your own question. He's not able to 'keep it to himself' now, and marriage is not a magic agent that's going to make all the problems go away.

This is a pretty major issue... it's not *just* a fetish, stuff like that is a lifestyle choice (imho). If that's not a way you can see yourself living, don't marry him.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

This is only the tip of the iceberg. Maybe it's his fantasy now but in reality, a fantasy is only as good if it keeps turning him on. It's like eating your favorite supper every night. Sooner or later you get tired of it and wants something new.

Now my question is this and if you wish a rhetorical question. Has it been you him and another guy? any videos? Multiple guys? Outside in the yard? get my drift?

It won't end with just you having sex with one guy while degrading him. It will escalate into more humiliating things and IMO will ruin your mind that if you ever wake up and dump this dude and meet a guy who will give you the proper love, respect and care that you deserve, you'll have a hard time trusting him if he makes a small suggestion that may be harmless but your mind will start going back to the guy with the weird fetish.

My advice to you is to stop this thing before it gets more out of hand than it already is. Get rid of him before he starts taking you to bars and having you pulling a gang bang in the parking lot. You deserve better but YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT AND UNTIL YOU SAY NO MORE, it will continue. Good luck.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Some sexual desires are irrepressible. Homosexual men cannot become straight. But there are probably impulses and fantasies that are transcient over a life time. Men are much more polymorphously perverse than women. So maybe your husband can get over this with time and therapy.

Cuckolding fetishes probably have an evolutionary rationale. When beta males were forced to watch females mating with alpha males but were not allowed sexual access, at least until the alpha had finished. There was still a window of opportunity to impregnate the female. Sperm wars theories postulate that the glas scooped out the first male's semem before the second male (the cuckold) ejaculated.

Acceptance of cuckolding would allow the cuckold to avoid violent confrontation with the alpha and yet send the self gene on through this trick of accepting sexual subordination.

So to my mind your boyfriend is a beta dude who has this kink because it is part of normal sexual behavior from an evolutionary point of view. Of course, you would rather be with a more alpha male than your boyfriend. Your selfish gene is warning you not to allow him to be the father of your offspring because they will be too beta.

This is why you should not marry him... of course if you do marry him, you can have sex with other men and he will pay the bills.

Would he agree to have a black man with large penis be the father of a child to be raised within your family? Ask him and see whether this fits his fanatasy?

Perhaps you could read Venus in Furs? That is a classic fictional account of a person who gives up cuckoldry. Perhaps he could read it, too.

It is curious that you seem likely to break off your engagement and yet hesitate. You could actually indulge his fantasy as a way to end your relationship. Your respect for him could be destroyed and he could see the consequences. As the vet TAMers say: "Give defiant people what they ask for."


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

You say that you come here for advice - but you already know what you need to do. You just want support for what you know you need to do.

He is never going to change - and he will never be happy with you because you can't fill his emptiness. RandomDude spelled out some of the background of this fetish. You can't fix this guy. Nor should you try.

You have already lost respect for him... and he won't change... In fact he is rather obsessed with it. Eating the "magic" wedding cake won't fix this either.

The solution here is to imagine what it will be like five years into the marriage when nothing has changed, you have no respect for him at all, and he is pursuing this fantasy of his on the side, because he is not getting it from you. Is that what you want?

Face the pain now and get past it. You are young - you are 23. You have learned something about life and love and the next time you will look for someone different. Someone who has a more healthy sexual outlook. Someone who appeals to you...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It's too easy to blame genetics and rationalize away behavior, to get away with it.

We aren't forced to do anything against our own will. All depends, do you act on what you feel, your impulses and how strong is your will?

Us human beings have moral free will. That means, we can choose to do something or not.

It's amazing how many will blame their choices in life on something else to justify it away.

We must all take responsibility for our actions and quit making excuses and blaming them on everything else.

All comes down to choice and moral free will. Use it or not. Some do, and some don't......

Nothing is stopping me from going out, lying to my wife, hooking up with 2 or 3 hot ladies at the same time, having all my fantasy sex occur all night. But I choose not to do this because I am married and this is wrong. Genetics don't make me choose this course in life, moral free will and what you believe does.


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## VanessaR (Nov 12, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the replies. I did come for advice because I want to know if there are others who have gone through this and if it is salvageable. But it's appearing like it's not. 

I couldn't just indulge a little. The more I did the more wild his suggestions got. DP, gang bangs, doing it without him there and filming it, etc. :/

I guess it is just time for me to move on. I am hesitant because I still do care about him, and I am very close with his family. This is only my second relationship and I have never been through the position of breaking off an engagement.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You think his family would be real thrilled to know about his fetish and dangerous fantasy?

Look. it comes down to this and your the only one who can answer it. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? We already know what he wants and it's your life were talking about here. It's you reputation. Most of all it comes down to this.

The only thing you have that you can call your own is your values. Once you let someone compromise them for their own satisfaction and gratification, you know what you have left? Nothing but a lot of bad memories, bad choices and regret. Think about it. It's your future.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Everything your intuition is telling you is right and good.

You SHOULD be losing respect for him, you SHOULD be losing your ability to see him as a MASCULINE man AND you should losing your desire to make him your mate long-term.

All of your FEMALE mental processes are working JUST FINE.

A real man IN NO WAY gets off on seeing his woman having sex with OTHER men.

A REAL man guards his woman from other men. So when you say you don't feel protected...that's because you are not being protected.

Honestly, I think in many cases Cuckolding really winds up being an indirect way for repressed men to act out their homosexual yearnings in some "straight" fashion using a wife as an intermediate.

Don't marry this man. You'll regret it---there's no doubt in my mind. (and, if you're honest with yourself, you know there's no doubt in your mind either).

Break up with him, call off the engagement----and I'm almost positive that a few months in a relationship with a man who is NOT AT ALL turned on by the thought of you sleeping with other guys will convince you that you made the right decision in ending this sordid entanglement


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

You have gotten great advise. You do deserve a man that wants you and you only. That wants you all to himself. To feel protected an loved.

A ****'s ultimate goal is for the woman in his life to leave him for a better man. To me you can actually give him his ultimate fantasy by leaving him now. 

I'll bet he is a chronic porno addict. These fantasy are fed there. 

Bottom line: He and his fantasy's are not what you want nor does it make you happy. Time to move on.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

VanessaR said:


> I couldn't just indulge a little. The more I did the more wild his suggestions got. DP, gang bangs, doing it without him there and filming it, etc. :/


I happen to be one of the more open minded members of TAM, and see nothing wrong with involving other partners, IF everyone is comfortable with it. 

And that's the key. It's obviously a kink that's extremely strong for him, but you're not comfortable with it. *And sexual incompatibility is a huge deal in a marriage*. There are plenty of women who would love to have a husband like this. You just don't happen to be one of them.

For those who don't understand it, think of it this way: Humiliation is a very normal sexual kink for both men and women. There are different variations of sexual humiliation from rape fantasies, to spanking, to bondage, etc. "Cuckolding" is just another way of being humiliated. So inherently, there is nothing sick or abnormal about it, nor does it mean he's mentally ill. What it does mean is that he's better off with someone who shares that kink.

So my point is, no, you shouldn't marry him at this time, or maybe never, unless you change your mind someday. I have seen that happen, but I don't think you should bet on that and wait around for years for that possibility.

If you tell him you're leaving, he might panic and swear up and down that he will give up his kink forever. And it's possible he might repress it enough to do just that. But he will be miserable in the long run, which will then make you miserable in the long run. 

Some people think outside partners are OK, some people are dead set against it. *But when both sides are telling you this marriage won't work, then chances are, it won't work.*


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

VanessaR said:


> What if he accepts it at first, but then it bottles up and comes out again? It happens all the time and I'm starting to give up hope that he can ever keep it to himself.


This is a certainty. No matter what you do, not matter what decision you make as a couple, this is absolutely as-god-is-my-witness bound to come up again. And again. And again. It is too important to him.

I have nothing bad to say about your boyfriend or yourself, but as a couple, you had better understand this.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

VanessaR said:


> ...
> My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We plan on getting married in 6 months and have been having a lot of problems with his fantasies since our engagement last year in December.
> 
> ...he has not stopped bringing it up. Asking me to have sex with other men while he watched, asking me to degrade him during sex and tell him which of my friends I want to have sex with...
> ...


*His sexual desires are extreme and you are not even slightly comfortable with them. DO NOT GET MARRIED.*

Get out now...you're 23yrs old, he's in late 30's, only 3 years together and this is what you are getting married to? This is a no-brainer. Get out now.

Run for zee hills!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> It's too easy to blame genetics and rationalize away behavior, to get away with it.
> 
> We aren't forced to do anything against our own will. All depends, do you act on what you feel, your impulses and how strong is your will?
> 
> ...


This is one of the best replies I have EVER read on this forum.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

You're 23 now.Just think of how thankful your 33 year old self will be when you're looking back at that bullet you dodged by leaving this guy.
Don't let marrying him be one of those mistakes that you kick yourself for when you're old enough to know better.Your gut is telling you what you need to know and you should listen to it.You're not attracted to him and don't respect him bc he isn't right for you.Listen to you instincts dear and anytime you get sad remember you did the right thing for yourself by leaving.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't understand how anyone would like to be humiliated in any way. Life in itself is hard enough let alone to sit in a chair, watch some guy slobber all over your wife in bed, doing things with her that only you should be doing and the cherry on top of the crap sundae is her looking at you and tell you that your a pathetic ball less wonder who can't satisfy her and the guy pounding away at her laughs at you. Boy that would do something for your ego and self esteem.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I kimd said:


> I would end this relationship. While I am very open minded as to fantasies, involving other men or women is dangerous. Call me old fashioned, but I like having a husband and only having sex with him.


I agree with this response totally. If your not comfortable with this and he is pushing you this hard. What will it be like after your married. Not a good scene at all. I'd get out of there fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sgreenberg (Jul 9, 2013)

Vanessa, it sounds like you are hearing the message loud and clear. It sucks that you have to break it off, but at least you're doing it before the wedding. Good luck - you will find someone better!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sinnister said:


> This is one of the best replies I have EVER read on this forum.


We can all choose to manage our attitudes and emotions and rules closer to the animal side of the spectrum, but also more towards a "morally correct" side of the spectrum.

No one is perfect and this isn't 1's and 0's.

But when you understand cheating is a choice, you can choose to not make the choice. Nothing forces you to do it unless a gun was put to your head.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

VanessaR said:


> I am beginning to think he has some severe emotional and psychological issues.


Ya think? 

Yes, he has issues. 
You need to get out of this relationship before it messes with your depression/anxiety/self-worth even more.

You were not ok with this and only went along with it to appear him. This reminds me of 50 Shades of Grey or something sick and twisted. 

Save yourself and dump this guy. Then get into therapy to find out why you thought this was ok and how you can heal from it.


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