# Wants Vs Needs



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

All of us agree that there are basic necessities that we simply cannot due without (eat, drink, breathe and sleep). They are essential for our continued existence. We call these essential necessities, needs.

But are 'emotional needs' truly needs? Can we survive without someone giving us attention, affection, sexual communion, etc.? I think we all know that the answer is yes. So why do we insist on calling them 'needs' when they are not really essential for our continued existence? Have we become unhappy people because we've allowed ourselves to become 'needy' and dependent on others?



Dwayne Gilbert said:


> Neediness causes us to become attached to a specific idea or outcome. Becoming attached to anything always causes emotional distress. When we try to cling to something we put ourselves in a position that allows us to get hurt when that thing goes away, and since nothing lasts forever, everything is bound to have a beginning and an end. Becoming attached to the idea that you have to have a specific car will not open the door for other opportunities to have another car that is similar or another car that is better than the one you wanted but you simply didn't realize was there. We have to be mindful of our neediness and clinginess to everything in life. Neediness pushes things away and causes unwanted heartache and sorrow in our lives. Instead, learn to open up to possibility and potential. Allow the universe to work through you as though you were an open conduit. Trust that what you want will come to you, or better, and the universe will deliver.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This made me think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which is a pyramid chart of human needs. It suggests that people are motivated by basic needs-food, shelter, etc before moving onto other needs-security needs, social needs, etc.
Hierarchy of Needs
In a sense, being with other people is a need. We are social creatures. At least, I believe it is a need. Not so much a need like the need for oxygen. I'm not going to die if I never love again, but I would feel a giant emptiness because a need has gone unfulfilled in my life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

They are 'needs' when we are talking about two people maintaining a close emotional bond.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If we view marriage as a separate entity from us whose basic necessities in order to survive are attention, affection, sexual communion, etc then yes these are indeed 'needs'. But to say that they are our needs, instead of our wants, is incorrect. 

I believe that by calling them our 'emotional needs' we give them a higher value to justify their importance than could not be done if we were to simply call them wants or desires.

Furthermore, there is no universal consensus regarding whether sex and financial security are truly 'emotional needs', yet these two are the closest to the true basic needs of breathing, eating, drinking, and sleeping than are attention and affection. Without them the human race as a species would cease to exist. So wouldn't it be more accurate to call them 'societal needs' instead?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

We are emotional beings as well as physical beings. We have a physical body while the soul is the emotional being. At least that's the way I see it.
If I deny the physical being its needs, the body dies. If I deny the emotional being its needs, the sould dies.
I strongly believe that both the physical and emotional aspect are closely intertwined and depriving either of their needs affects the health of other.
I don't see the need for emotional "nourishment" as needy. We all have the basic need to be loved and love in return and this doesn't just apply to marriage. We all need our parent's love, right? We need their love and affection in order to grow into healthy human beings. I would go as far as to say that if our emotional needs are not met, it can affect the physical being to an extend where it does not want to exist anymore.
Wether or not the emotional need is inferior to the physical need is up to each of us to decide.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Oh don't get me wrong in that I deem our true needs superior to the emotional or psychological 'needs' for as you correctly point out, children require attention and affection from their parents in ordet to grow up in to healthy adults. But once we become adults, we should be able to provide enough self validation to function normally, emotionally speaking that is. 

For me, to be in a committed like marriage where I am to loved by a woman who forsakes all other men, really isn't a need but a non negotiable want that enriches my life, one which, if she can't abide it, I have the choice to terminate my marriage to her, something I can't do with a true need.




FourtyPlus said:


> We are emotional beings as well as physical beings. We have a physical body while the soul is the emotional being. At least that's the way I see it.
> If I deny the physical being its needs, the body dies. If I deny the emotional being its needs, the sould dies.
> I strongly believe that both the physical and emotional aspect are closely intertwined and depriving either of their needs affects the health of other.
> I don't see the need for emotional "nourishment" as needy. We all have the basic need to be loved and love in return and this doesn't just apply to marriage. We all need our parent's love, right? We need their love and affection in order to grow into healthy human beings. I would go as far as to say that if our emotional needs are not met, it can affect the physical being to an extend where it does not want to exist anymore.
> Wether or not the emotional need is inferior to the physical need is up to each of us to decide.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Due to my needs not being met as a child, I grew up to be a rather dysfunctional adult. I also believe due to my own research into it, the lack of my needs being met is highly the cause of my BPD. Now, as an adult, I have a VERY hard time self validating myself. 

I feel I do NEED to have certain things to feel loved. Growing up the way I did caused me to have very little self worth. Then again, I seem to only need/want affection on my own time. Very hard to deal with me on occasion.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Isn't a non-negotiable "want" a "need"? If a want becomes un-negotiable, is it just a "want" any longer or has it become a "need"? The way I see it and feel it, there are things that I "want" within my marriage but might not get. Those "wants" are negotiable, obviously because I choose to do without them. "Wants" are always negotiable because a "want" is not as immediate as a "need". "Needs" are "wants" that became non-negotiable. If it's non-negotiable, you gotta have it, right? It's a need. Now if your wife, like in your example, doesn't fulfill that need, you end the marriage and you will probably go on and find someone that will fulfill the need. 

I don't think that validation/love from others is the same as validation/love from and/or for ourselves. Meaning validation from our parents can't be replaced with self validation. If it were, then we wouldn't feel the need to be loved in general. If if the only love and validation for myself comes from myself, then I feel unloved and unvalidated. The love of a spouse can't possibly be replaced or substitute by my love for myself.

Maybe it's too early in the morning for me to do that much thinking...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Very well written!


I agree with your comment that once we are adults, we "should" be able to function normally, emotionally speaking.

I would venture to say though, that some or a lot of people did not get exactly what they needed as a child. 

To put myself on a limb here... I had a family scenario growing up that was foster care. I had foster care parents and siblings that made sure I never wanted for material needs, my "dad" was a loving caring role model, my mother just didn't want me there. I've had juvenile diabetes for a long time. When I was 25, I was a single parent and I was stalked, attacked, and left for dead. I can speak about dark feelings of not wanting to get out of bed, really truly wanting to die, and somehow I dragged myself out of it and went on with my life.
Therapy, and more therapy, and again every few years until I finally understood something important to me.... no matter what happens in life, it happens TO me. My sense of self worth isn't touchable. 

I have a very strong disposition because of my past. I refuse, absolutely refuse, to allow myself to be "ruined" because of what someone else did. Or my childhood. 

So I see things from a different side of the fence, sometimes.
A need for me is as basic as breathing, taking insulin 5 times a day or I will die, and my purpose in life is to be the best person I can be. 

I look at a need as survival. 

However, I do not NEED to feel loved by a boyfriend or husband. 

I do have a strong WANT to give love to others. Maybe that is a need, in a way, as it's part of my religious and moral beliefs. And if I'm not able to give love to others, I feel like I am missing something in my life. Most people would assume that feeling is not being loved by someone. I have been in enough personal therapy over my lifetime to know that for me, that is not true.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I would prefer to re-term using "requirements" instead of "needs" from here on out.  To be technically correct. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I need respect, love, affection, and sex from my husband. Luckily I get that and much more from him. Without those things from him I would be much less confident as a person and less happy. Of course I could live without my needs, but why would want to. I give my husband what he needs as well. We live in harmony together. Life is grand as far as the marriage goes. I have other issues(severe chronic pain) I need to deal with. There are many days where the pain is simply unbearable, especially now around the holidays. Maybe the severe pain is God's way of challenging my life to make me a stronger person to appreciate what I have and never take anything for granted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Isn't a non-negotiable "want" a "need"?


No. A need is a basic necessity you can't live without. Marriage, spouse, SO can come and go but you will continue to exist. A non negotiable want like forsaking all others is a requirement (as YinPrincess said) in order for most of us to remain married. Being a betrayed husband felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, but it didn't end my life.



> validation from our parents can't be replaced with self validation.


True but only as it refers to children. When we were children we were solely dependent on our parents for not just our basic survival but for our emotional development as well. When that emotional development stops or is distorted, we grow into emotionally damaged adults (as Pidge said). The attention and affection from our parents was essential for our emotional maturity and well being, they were needs.



> Now if your wife, like in your example, doesn't fulfill that need, you end the marriage and you will probably go on and find someone that will fulfill the need.


But many people are unable to find someone else and learn to live without the validation provided by another. Do they stop living? Of course not, especially if they are emotionally healthy. Their self validation carries them throughout the days, weeks, months or years they have left in this world.

Sure having all those EN ('emotional needs') fulfilled by another person makes our lives richer and happier. But richer and happier implies that you are rich and happy to begin with, long before having another person come in to your life and fulfilling those EN. If you are not, then as soon there is a shortage of the supply of those EN, you will become desperate. Why? Because without self validation those EN become like a drug which will make you more than receptive to have another person come into your life and supply them for you. Without self validation, there will always be an emotional hunger that will only be partially satisfied by others but never satisfied completely that is why we call these people 'needy'.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I think we probably have different understandings. Example: I have the need to be loved. To me it's no a want, it's a huge need. My body isn't gonna die if I'm not loved, my soul will. That's not life to me, it's being dead inside. I imagine it is so unbearable for some people that they contemplate or decide to end their life.

I understand and I'm sure you see yourself in a different way and using that different point of view, you are absolutely correct - love is then not a need but a want.

Self validation is needed in order for other people to fulfill the rest that self validation can't - is that what you're saying?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I think we probably have different understandings. Example: I have the need to be loved. To me it's no a want, it's a huge need. *My body isn't gonna die if I'm not loved, my soul will.* That's not life to me, it's being dead inside. I imagine it is so unbearable for some people that they contemplate or decide to end their life.


Millions of people everyday experience the loss of their spouse and yet many of them manage to have their souls survive the pain of such great loss.



> I understand and I'm sure you see yourself in a different way and using that different point of view, you are absolutely correct - love is then not a need but a want.
> 
> Self validation is needed in order for other people to fulfill the rest that self validation can't - is that what you're saying?


Yes, otherwise you become an emotional black hole that will eventually drive away the people who were fulfilling your EN (emotional needs) for sooner or later they will realize that there is no way for you to be totally satisfied and fulfill their EN in return.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This thread is basically a squable over the term used... "needs", "wants", requirements. Call them what you will... if a person wants a healthy relationship with another adult.. they had better pay attention to them no matter what they call them.

Yes we can get along as a single person without a lot of those 'emotional needs/wants' met. But one reason people put up with the demands of a relationship is because life is very nice when we have someone else in our life. And to keep that person in our life the 'emotional needs' have to be met ... or that person will most likely find the responsibilities of the relationship not worth the effort....

It's called falling out of love.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Is it really a squabble or is it an honest effort to convey the difference between them as to how they relate to romantic relationships?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

morituri said:


> Is it really a squabble or is it an honest effort to convey the difference between them as to how they relate to romantic relationships?


Well I'm not sure. I think that most people realize that they are not basic survival needs... food, water, shelter.

What I do see a lot of in relationships is people not taking responsibility for their own happyness. They blame their spouse, their parents, etc for their own unhappyness. They do this instead of taking responsibility for their own happyness. I think this is what you are trying to get at. It's like Abe Lincoln said... "A person is about as happy as they make up their mind to be."

This is a a lesson I learned in my previous marriage. Once I assumed the responsibility for my own happyness, I was happy. I did choose to not put up with his abuse. But I did not let the abuse control me... His abuse had nothing to do with me. It was his problem, not mine and I removed myself from him.

Even in a good marriage a person can be unhappy. Their unhappyness is their problem and they should deal with it and not blame their spouse. Once a person stops blaming their spouse for their unhappyness it becomes a lot easier for a spouse to meet their needs... 

No one can meet 100% of another person's needs.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Mori:

I think that you object to the word "need" because it conveys the impression of neediness to you, which you see as weak and not masculine. However, wouldn't you consider a good sex life a need in a marriage? That's where some women don't get it; they think that sex is a want for a man, not a need.

I think the word "need" conveys more urgency than the word "want." To tell your partner that you have a need means that your love will not survive if they do not meet this need. It means get off your butt and listen to me! I need for you to do this in order for me to want to continue to have this relationship with you.

I don't see it as a weakness, but as a means to convey the seriousness of this "want." Sure, you can live without it, but something in the relationship will wither and die if the need is not met.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I think loving and being loved is a need and in my case something I really wouldn't want to live without. Having said that I also am self aware enough to know that I CAN live without it but my quality of life would be so low that I wouldn't enjoy life. I love my wife with all my heart but my world is NOT dependent on her love for me. I am not codependent, I choose to share myself with another. I am self aware enough to realize that true happiness only comes from within. If you can't love yourself why would anyone else love you? If I didn't have my wife to love and to love me I would look to have that need fulfilled by something other than a spouse or SO. Maybe I would do volunteer work, assist others in need in some way. Humans are social creatures and require some type of social bonds to thrive. And to me life is just not worth living without that social bond. Thriving not surviving is the way I look at life.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lovesherman it is not that I view the word 'need' as un-masculine and weak, but as a misused term that encourages in many people a mindset of unrealistic expectations. 

EleGirl is right that ones happiness comes from inside oneself. And while everybody pays it lip service to this truth, many behave otherwise. Case in point, when a betrayed spouse cries, pleads and declares his/her love for his/her cheating spouse inmediately after discovering the affair, does it work? No. The betrayed spouse's neediness repulses the cheating spouse because it places the happiness of the betrayed spouse squarely on the shoulders of the cheating spouse. An impossible burden for anybody to carry.

Romantic relationships, like marriage, have the potential of enriching the lives of two emotionally healthy individuals like nothing in this world can, it can also become a parasitic trap when one or both individuals are far from being emotionally healthy.

Lastly, look at what happens when a person successfully implements the 180. He/She attains an emotional strength that brings peace to him/her that is not dependent on the actions of their unfaithful spouse. There is no longer a 'need' for the unfaithful spouse but a 'want' which can be sacrificed if there is no effort on the part of the unfaithful spouse to reconciliate.

A 'need' weakens us because we are enslaved to it but a 'want' can strengthen us if we deem it to be worthwhile.


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