# Marriage deal breakers



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I’m curious as to what you consider some realistic deal breakers in a marriage. I say realistic, because I’m sure we could come up with a million things that everyone would agree are horrible and would constitute a divorce with anyone.

I’ve noticed the deal breakers seem to vary among women. Some can handle cheating, while others exit if the cap is left off the toothpaste more than once, or at least, it seems that way.
I realize this will be general, because each situation could have different aspects with different situations, and it would probably depend on how long a certain behavior lingered in the marriage. I’ve always been amazed when I hear that women stay with men that physically abuse them. I’m also amazed when I simply hear, “I’m not happy anymore,” but no huge reason is given that most people would consider a deal breaker. 

I was speaking with a woman once about this topic, and she said that women can often handle a lot of things, but a man becoming distant and not communicating is often something they can’t handle; that’s why it often seems like the break up is over nothing from those on the outside looking in. Do you agree? 

So, what are the deal breakers for someone you are married to and truly love? Physical abuse, alcohol/drugs, becoming distant, becoming lazy, not wanting to be around in-laws. Any of those or none? 

How do you think you compare to other women? Do you ever look at other women’s situation and wonder how she lives with the guy, or look at someone who divorced and think, “really, I wouldn’t have divorced over that.”

Do you also think the level of love is a factor. Perhaps people that leave over the toothpaste cap aren't too deeply in love anyway, and the women that stay with more serious issues are more deeply in love and, therefore, it's tougher to let go?

When would you work on it, and when would you walk away?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Physical aggression would send me out the door. I will not live in fear of a man.

Financial infidelity would be a close second.

If my husband had an affair, I would want him to leave and be with the other woman. If he likes her better, with her is where he should be.

I could not live with a man who could not handle my transparency. I have no respect for men whose egos have to be handled with kid gloves. I do not know how or why other women tolerate that.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

There are definite deal breakers for me. Abuse, whether physical or verbal, is a deal breaker for me. Cheating, especially a physical affair would be a deal breaker as well. Not sure how I would handle an EA though. I wouldn't tolerate criminal activity either. 

It's tough to determine whether some things are deal breakers though because of exactly what you said. I think it depends on the level of love for the person. I also think the level of commitment to marriage in general comes into play. There are some people that believe marriage is for life (no matter what) and others are just living for the moment.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My main deal breakers would be:

personality disorders
active addictions
infidelity of any type
physical, verbal or emotional abuse
lying/cheating/general poor character
financial infidelity
emotional neglect/distancing

Beyond that, basically any consistent pattern of disrespect that he was unwilling to address and correct would be a serious problem that would likely lead to the end of the relationship. 

I'm not sure that the level of love, as you say, is really the issue. I think that deal-breaker behaviors kill love. Sometimes it's all at once, as with infidelity or some other huge betrayal. Sometimes, it's all the daily things, large and small, that chip away at love over time. But everyone has a breaking point, and where that point is can vary a great deal from one person to another. Sometimes someone leaves who still loves their spouse very much. But often, most or even all the love that once existed has eroded away long before the person leaves. It's sometimes fear that keeps people in marriages, rather than love.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Abuse emotional or physical, Husband quit working due to laziness, Cheating,Lying about big things.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I’m curious as to what you consider some realistic deal breakers in a marriage. I say realistic, because I’m sure we could come up with a million things that everyone would agree are horrible and would constitute a divorce with anyone.
> 
> I’ve noticed the deal breakers seem to vary among women. Some can handle cheating, while others exit if the cap is left off the toothpaste more than once, or at least, it seems that way.


 or not taking out the garbage, leaving clothes on the floor, or the toilet seat up.. I see these things mentioned every now & then....

None of those have ever bothered me personally... I don't mind cleaning any of it up, putting the lid down & burning the garbage.. but I had a GF who would get so angry.. she'd call me up ranting about him.. she'd go on & on about the garbage...(She was primarily an "Acts of service" female), which puts it more into perspective .....then she purposely let her garbage over flow in their kitchen just to make a point.. though they had other issues too..both seemed to rub each other the wrong way.. it ended, as it needed to. They married because she got pregnant.. wasn't the ideal situation to begin with. 



> I was speaking with a woman once about this topic, and she said that women can often handle a lot of things, but a man becoming distant and not communicating is often something they can’t handle; that’s why it often seems like the break up is over nothing from those on the outside looking in. Do you agree?


 I DO AGREE...very much.. One thing I could NOT handle is a man who clams up, does this passive aggressive sh**.. would never work with me.. 

The best way to CALM ME is to talk to me.. sit down and listen.. give me your feedback.. have a heart to heart.. . leaving me in a huff, ignoring me .. I'd grow hugely resentful and beings I can't stand to be a "burden" to anyone (I do not like to bother people who don't want bothered.. I'd have to get out.. 

This would squash everything I wanted in a relationship , leaving me feeling hopeless, helpless.. and alone.. Yes. communication is vital to me.. Fighting is better than not communicating.. My husband is more of a conflict avoider if he can get away with it.. but being married to me.. I'm going to open things up.. he's never been one to push me away.. try to avoid, even if he himself is not exactly the confrontational type... I greatly value this.. and his understanding what I need. 



> So, what are the deal breakers for someone you are married to and truly love? Physical abuse, alcohol/drugs, becoming distant, becoming lazy, not wanting to be around in-laws. Any of those or none?


 I've never been *physically abused*, if it happened even once... I'd no longer TRUST the man to have my best interests at heart..something would be soured from there on...I'd be on guard.. I'd have to find a way to leave.. Yes.. in cases like that.. I think a woman is best to be secretive.. if she is transparent to how she REALLY FEELS. . more abuse will come upon her...she needs to be cunning & seek above all her own safety for herself & Children.. 

* Alcohol or drugs*.. deal breaker...I'd give so much time to get clean & deal with it -if this wasn't a problem dating, but something that surfaced after the marriage.. but not long term.. consequences would have to be given.. not a lifestyle I would want a part of.. 

*In laws*.. just seems a smaller issue to me.. if one doesn't have them interfering in our lives.. if too close for comfort.. I can see a couple having major problems over this.. like Inlaws helping out.. then expecting so much in return.. I watch some of the drama our neighbors deal with -in such a situation.. it almost tore them apart...

*Deal breakers that come to my mind.*...the 1st is related to Sex...he's got to love *sex*- with me.. Not to a computer screen.... I wouldn't be able to stand a man who didn't desire me on a happening basis.. this is something vital to my happiness.. Not into forcing a man to want me..that would make me feel ugly, like a beggar, worthless, desperate even.. . 

@jld mentioned *financial infidelity*.. I feel similar.. me and a Frivolous spender would never get along. I would see him as my mortal enemy while we watched all our dreams DIE.. I need a man who can live within his means.. I don't care about wealth.. but I care that we manage a lifestyle paying bills on time.. not having debt collectors calling...

Jld mentioned *transparency*.. I, too, feel this is paramount..someone too secretive & defends that secretiveness.. we're not going to get along.. If I want to share MY ALL.. I need a man willing to do the same.. this is very important to me also.. what I call a "Willing transparency" .. anything less .. I wouldn't like.. and over time.. I think it could destroy us.. 

Catching a man in a LIE while dating.. would be the beginning of the end.. (Cheaters are good at that)..I see no reason to Lie to someone you want to have a growing relationship with -over anything...*Basically Lying of any sort is a deal breaker to me*..

*Addictions* that suck our money & time from us, a *workaholic *who never had time for his wife/ kids...If I knew someone had a *mental illness* of any sort/ personality disorder / I don't care if they take meds for it - not something I'd want to get involved with...

High on the *sports fanatic* bar - I'd find that so annoying -deal breaker.. Lifestyle full of *casual sex *& he's perfectly fine with it.. deal breaker...we'd be from 2 very different worlds, valuing different things. 



> How do you think you compare to other women? Do you ever look at other women’s situation and wonder how she lives with the guy, or look at someone who divorced and think, “really, I wouldn’t have divorced over that.”


 I've only felt this way about 1 marriage.. that "jeez.. is she [email protected]#, what a great guy he was!"

but just because what she wanted to do.. and his pushing it away.. wasn't something I would have wanted to do.. well.. ya know.. she needed what she needed at the time.. he wasn't there for her.. but I'm not her.. 

There are things I NEED that another woman may think is stupid.. I love a touchy feely guy.. I'd probably grow to resent a man who wasn't like this.. but I'll take out the garbage 5 times a day with a big old smile on my face .. ya know. Just cuddle with me & watch a chick flick ... and I'm happy. 



> *Do you also think the level of love is a factor. Perhaps people that leave over the toothpaste cap aren't too deeply in love anyway, and the women that stay with more serious issues are more deeply in love and, therefore, it's tougher to let go?*
> 
> When would you work on it, and when would you walk away?


 I think the answer lies in this quote below ... how much have a couple became a part of each others lives, intertwined to where they become one..... I think this is the most realistic and romantic quote I've ever read..


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

cheating
abuse of any type
laziness
stupidity
misogyny
supporting Collingwood (AFL team)


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

1. Not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

2. Marital infidelity (not thinking about it, but actual physical infidelity).

3. Not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

4. Being religious, not being an atheist.

5. Not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

6. Absent physical impediment/s, not sharing much sex.

7. Not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

8. Absent injury or medical issue, having low intelligence.

8. Not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

9. Poor hygiene.

10. Not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

11. Liking the wrong music.

12. Not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.

13. Being dull and more importantly not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Abuse - physical or emotional
Cheating - one time - emotional or physical affair
Breaking the law deliberately (other than a benign moving violation like a speeding ticket)
DUI - one time
If you have kids with the person, if the spouse is abusing the kids

Those are my deal breakers for relationships, in general, not just marriage.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Holland said:


> cheating
> abuse of any type
> laziness
> stupidity
> ...


:rofl: YES!!

Q: If you see a Collingwood supporter riding a bike why should you try to stop them?

A: It's probably your bike!

BOOM BOOM! Roflol!

Dealbreakers for me:

Physical or verbal abuse
Infidelity of any kind
Addiction
Mental Illness**

**If it's sucking the life out of our family and hubby refused to get help. If he was doing all he could to get better, that would be different.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Personal said:


> 1. Not squeezeing the toothpaste tube from the bottom.
> 
> 2. Marital infidelity (not thinking about it, but actual physical infidelity).
> 
> ...


Are you a dentist? :grin2:


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

#1 on my list - setting up a TAM account to discuss our marital problems with strangers ...

>


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Are you a dentist? :grin2:


No I'm not, and I can't seem to spell squeezing correctly either. :smile2:


----------

