# Anyone ever felt inadequate in the bedroom?



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I've been thinking if I should post here the last couple of days and then figured, ahhh why not?

Anyway, I'm just wondering if there are anyone out there who feel inadequate in the sheets. Or even if maybe they have a partner like me, who is so self conscious and expresses their feeling of inadequacies. If you have a partner like me, do you reassure him/her? 
I guess I feel inadequate because my husband is way into porn.
I always thought I was an awesome partner (in bed) to have. I'm pretty explorative and don't mind doing and trying out new things (except the multiple partner thing - but I'll play along if its a fantasy of being with other people, just won't do it in real life). I actually thought I was a pretty skilled lover too till my H came along.
He's hard to please. Literally. He says everything is fine, but I don't want it to be fine, I want it to be like the best sex he's ever had. I've only had sex with 3 other men in my entire life, and I know for a fact that I was one of the top lovers in their lives, I hate to say how I found out about a couple of 'em, but I believe it. I don't mean to sound like a *****, or anything, because I'm anything but, I just want ya'll to understand where I'm coming from and why my situation now feels sort of devastating. Its just I can't seem to please my husband, no matter what techniques I use. His **** totally outlasts my everything. I thought I was a good bj giver till my H, I thought I was good on top till my H, etc. Its not that he never makes it, but I feel defeated every single time after sex. He almost always ends up having to help himself somehow. Its so depressing. We are 5 years apart (I'm older) and it makes me feel like I can't keep up or something.
Although he never complains and says he's happy w/me, he HAS said he's gotten better bj's.
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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

He always tries to assure me that our love making is 'fine'. But I've never had anyone say I was just 'fine' before. And I just hate this apologetic demeanor I automatically get after sex. I always try to tell myself, next time will be better, but its not. I'm really worried that if I can't give him spectacular sex, he'll go looking for it elsewhere later on. I know that sounds foolish, but it is still a fear I have.
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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Sounds like he can't get off without going to porn images in his head. porn is bad for relationships, intimacy and sex.

Studies show that porn changes the brain, and that it makes men see their own real life lovers as inadequate, because they never measure up to the unrealistic standards set in porn, that the porn stars themselves aren't really enjoying. In fact most (porn stars) admit, most of that they do is painful, uncomfortable, degrading etc.

It is also like a drug, and is addictive, and it is like the junk food of sex. If we think of porn it really is McD's, nothing of nutritional value.

There is nothing you have done wrong. It wouldn't matter what you did in fact. he is being selfish and choosing to let porn be a part of his life.

If he wanted a really good sex life, he would concentrate on what you have and making it better and ditch the porn.

Here are some articles you might like to share with him.

http://www.mediaed.org/cgi-bin/comm...mplate=PDGCommTemplates/HTN/Item_Preview.html


The first is a doco you can both watch, very eye opening.

This next one is about the brain and how porn changes it for the worse.



> 102 The current porn epidemic gives a graphic demonstration that sexual tastes can be acquired. Pornography, delivered by high-speed Internet connections, satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change [forming new neural circuitry- a key piece in addiction].
> 
> Pornography seems, at first glance, to be a purely instinctual matter: sexually explicit pictures trigger instinctual responses, which are the product of millions of years of evolution. But if that were true, pornography would be unchanging. The same triggers, bodily parts and their proportions, that appealed to our ancestors would excite us. This is what pornographers would have us believe, for they claim they are battling sexual repression, taboo, and fear and that their goal is to liberate the natural, pent-up sexual instincts.
> 
> ...



ABOUT THE BOOK

To me it's a deal breaker, I don't want to be compared to objectified, plastic people who do cartwheels in bed. If my So chose porn over me, then I would not be able to forgive that.

He for some reason whats you to feel inadequate, and that's quite mean and I'd be wary of that even without the porn reference.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Not everything is about porn. You don't connect with him on that level. You could try to find out specifically what the gap is. Ask him....do you like it when I put my hand........ when I .......? Be very very specific. Does he like the lights on or off, does he prefer sex on the bed vs the couch or whatever....

My wife was a very bored and uncreative lover. Unmotivated, unadventurous, never took the lead, never asked questions and couldn't wait for it to be over. I used to think it was me and maybe it was. But since I could never get her to so much as utter a single word about it it didn't matter and I gave up.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm not trying to trump you or make you feel worse, but my wife and I are both fantastic lovers (for each other anyway)!!
Of course, the love making isn't "mind blowing, over the top, I can't catch my breath sex" every time, but we get to that plateau often enough.
I look at porn, sometimes my wife watches with me, but we both know that 10 inch members and women who take all of it down their throat while rubbing their perfect boobs isn't realistic.
It does help us get a little friskier sometimes and I wonder if she may want a porn star sized pole and she wonders if I want someone who can deep throat me. 
We are able to keep it real and not have crazy expectations of each other, but do enjoy a variety and like to try new things.
Maybe your husband is a little "too into" his porn and needs to take a step back
Do you view it with him? Maybe that would give you some ideas, too.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

So all very insightful and helpful comments. Thank you. I've tried to actually watch porn with him, but he's not into it if I'm watching with him. I didn't understand that, as I assumed most guys would be thrilled. Instead he acts bored and makes it seem like I'm the one who's the porn watcher. He keeps asking if I'm done and idk, he seems uncomfortable watching porn together. Yet his computer is laiden with porn sites. He never hid them, because I thought it was normal, but now I'm not so sure. He is becoming more of a mystery to me.
I mean, I always ask him what he wants and sometimes I do feel like his expectations are a bit much. I'm into trying anything once, but I think perhaps he is a little too "into" his porn. I mean seriously, I'm not boring. We RP, I'll use whatever costumes (always fun to me anyway), etc. But it's starting to be clearer that maybe he's into a lot more darker things, and that is a bit scary for me. Which maybe is why he may seem bored because when watching together he picks the cliche type stuff, but once I saw some really hardcore stuff and I was quite surprised. I'll withstand a little bit of pain, but anything else, I'll have to refuse. Again, he never complains, but never seems ecstatic about it either. I do think we do do it a good amount of times, sometimes several times in a day, sometimes a few days in a row. I think my husband has a pornstar **** because it keeps going and going and going. I don't know what else to do, its like I wasn't made to handle him that way. But I will look at those articles with him. I must say, majority of the porn I've found on his computer, oddly enough, has women that look similar to me. That kind of surprised me too.
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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

> I must say, majority of the porn I've found on his computer, oddly enough, has women that look similar to me. That kind of surprised me too.


The girls I look at seem to favor my wife as well.
Well, the ones I like the best do...


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## Silhouette (Mar 8, 2011)

It could be that he has sensitivity issues with the head of his penis, or bloodflow problems. Is he completely hard or do you have to help him get there with manual/oral stimulation? Then once he's hard, how long does it take him to ejaculate? Is he circumsized? Has he said he has "lasted long" with previous lovers?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If he self pleasures frequently enough than it will make it more difficult for him to "finish" when you two connect. 

I bet if he stopped masturbating he would enjoy sex with you WAY more. I do not think this is you at all. 





Sakaye said:


> So all very insightful and helpful comments. Thank you. I've tried to actually watch porn with him, but he's not into it if I'm watching with him. I didn't understand that, as I assumed most guys would be thrilled. Instead he acts bored and makes it seem like I'm the one who's the porn watcher. He keeps asking if I'm done and idk, he seems uncomfortable watching porn together. Yet his computer is laiden with porn sites. He never hid them, because I thought it was normal, but now I'm not so sure. He is becoming more of a mystery to me.
> I mean, I always ask him what he wants and sometimes I do feel like his expectations are a bit much. I'm into trying anything once, but I think perhaps he is a little too "into" his porn. I mean seriously, I'm not boring. We RP, I'll use whatever costumes (always fun to me anyway), etc. But it's starting to be clearer that maybe he's into a lot more darker things, and that is a bit scary for me. Which maybe is why he may seem bored because when watching together he picks the cliche type stuff, but once I saw some really hardcore stuff and I was quite surprised. I'll withstand a little bit of pain, but anything else, I'll have to refuse. Again, he never complains, but never seems ecstatic about it either. I do think we do do it a good amount of times, sometimes several times in a day, sometimes a few days in a row. I think my husband has a pornstar **** because it keeps going and going and going. I don't know what else to do, its like I wasn't made to handle him that way. But I will look at those articles with him. I must say, majority of the porn I've found on his computer, oddly enough, has women that look similar to me. That kind of surprised me too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Although I do not take the stance of Syrum that ALL porn is bad for ALL couples & ALL marraiges (we enjoy it together, he learned all he knew from reading Playboy magazines, it has NEVER hurt our sex life -or his expectations of me)-- but I do happen to agree with her about YOUR particular situation. 

Your husband, from all you have shared, has a secret and sounds like a very dark ADDICTION that needs attention - in order to save your sex life & connection with each other. He probably has conditioned his MIND to wanting MORE, bigger, hotter, faster, dirtier, we probably cant fathom what all may lurk there. Porn to him is like whiskey to the Alcoholic.

Putting porn aside for a moment, I have read that if a man has used a certain VERY FAST (or ??) masterbating technique for a long period of time, his body/pecker becomes accustomed to that particualr stimulation -maybe a little of this is going on also. 

Read this thread , I gave links to Addiction forums, tests on one of my posts. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/21197-help-me-i-cant-stop.html


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

Do other husbands sometimes feel like they have been replaced with a vibrator and I for one know there is no way I can compete with a 8,000 rpm magic wand vibrator.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Well we don't use stimulating toys, as we've just not ventured into that realm just yet. But he definitely seems to need more. SimplyAmorous, you make a good point. When trying to masturbate him with my hand he makes me squeeze it super hard while stroking really fast. I mean seriously squeezing it like trying to get every last drop out of a lemon or orange. Its so hard to keep up, my hands/wrist tire out quickly, and generally just when he's feeling 'good' and getting closer to orgasm, I can't keep it going. There's just no way for my mouth to create that pressure either!!! But thats just the beginning. He's starting to get into the forceful stuff, which we had talked about previously. I agreed to partake in that every once in a while, but was adamant on being mentally prepared before hand, its not my thing and I'm definitely not into that realm of sex. I've been told I'm lucky, I'm 8mos. pregnant and my husband wants to get busy often. But that forceful stuff is so painful and he gets so into it that I literally have to try and fight to get out of his clutches. And it always takes him a moment. He'll grab me and shove me back into whatever position he wants a few times before he realizes, I'm not playing around. Generally when we start, I'm not playing around and we establish right there that stop really means stop. But he's like a fiend now. We haven't had sex in a week, because I was so sore the last time. It felt like my pelvis was going to freakin shatter. He never was like that before. Could this really be porn, or could he be cheating and he found some girl that likes the forceful type stuff? His fantasies have changed drastically too. Where before I'd entertain the idea of another woman (never in actuality), now his fantasies include me being gang banged which is something I NEVER wanna see or do
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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I honestly thought porn was harmless and something most people individually and as a couple look at occasionally. I never thought it could be so detrimental, I've never had this problem with porn before, not with previous partners. I always thought some was healthy. Now its like, I'm competing with cyber s*uts and he's not realizing the effect its taking.
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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Coming from a fairly avid porn watcher:

I get a little tired of hearing how porn destroys everyones marriages. It is like those that want to take guns away from everyone because some people do stupid things with them.. "Everything in moderation".

I watch a little nearly every night. I don't masterbate to it and not even really sure why other than my extremely high libido.

That being said, I would never take it over my wife. Doesn't stop me from loving sex with my wife. I would be ecstatic if she would watch it with me again like she used to. Hell now I even get grumbles if I leave a Cinemax movie on...

So I definetly think your husband has an issue. Either he is "addicted" or to your point he desires something darker than you are comfortable with. I would definetly have some serious conversations with him at the least and maybe even suggest some counseling if he will go..


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Sakaye said:


> I've been thinking if I should post here the last couple of days and then figured, ahhh why not?
> 
> Anyway, I'm just wondering if there are anyone out there who feel inadequate in the sheets. Or even if maybe they have a partner like me, who is so self conscious and expresses their feeling of inadequacies. If you have a partner like me, do you reassure him/her?
> I guess I feel inadequate because my husband is way into porn.
> ...


Confidence is sexy.....not matter what, get it in your head you are hot, good in bed and sexy! Throw all caution to the wind!
Have you tried doing anything totally out of character?
Do you talk dirty to him?
Get rough with him? (and not in a bad way)
Take total control?

Stop living in the past (with the lovers), don't allow him to tell you what you aren't doing right...there's a thread in here on bj's...read it, one of the first posts replies is long and numbered....but very good info!

I know how you feel, trust me....I just don't want you feeling like I have for so long. YOU ARE HOT, GOOD IN BED AND SEXY! Say it with me!!! 

Go get em girl!!!


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> Confidence is sexy.....not matter what, get it in your head you are hot, good in bed and sexy! Throw all caution to the wind!
> Have you tried doing anything totally out of character?
> Do you talk dirty to him?
> Get rough with him? (and not in a bad way)
> ...


Well, we already DO (well more like did) partake in those kinds of sexual activity. I definitely am not a boring lay, in all seriousness. I'm quiet and somewhat shy in person (and my husband does love the fact that I work in the library - he loves rp-ing w/that) and I'm the opposite in the bedroom, I definitely take charge and talk dirty. I love sex as much as my husband does. In the beginning it was awesome, we had no problems with each other. I kept up just fine with his high libido and it seemed that sexually, we were paired nicely as we both liked a lot of the same varieties of sexual fun. I don't want to get into specifics too much here but I'm definitely into a little hair pulling and some smacking here and there. But, its been a little negative lately. Like he won't care that he's hurting me, or he'll get like this bored look on his face either when I'm on top or trying to give him a bj. Once he even rolled over mid bj and was like, I'm tired. And he went to sleep!!!!! I was shocked!!! I can't be THAT bad can I??? He's never done that before. 
So, idk WHAT to think. More and more I'm thinking he may be having an affair.
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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

You seem like you have a VERY open mind like you said can't he help you out a little?

Show you how to do it? make it feel the best. Also one technique for one person is not always the best for another.


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