# 10 days into Separation and lost



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

To be honest, while I understand some of the behaviors that lead to my wife asking to be separated I am shocked that it got to that partly because her communication to me was never in this realm before. 

She has a communication issue and suffers from Fibro which compounds everything. I have an anger issue but it is sporadic when it gets the better of me and while that is not ok in any way and I am starting therapy tomorrow ironically, it may be that I don't have an outburst for 9 months or a year in between.

We have a 4.5 year daughter and have been together for 11 years, married for 9. 

I love my wife and our family and realize I have an act to clean up but feel like we went from mostly happy to over it from her point of view which in fact may be she wasn't telling me how she felt.

All of if for me is a non-starter from the standpoint of saving my marriage - I can forgive and i can change and will but want to stick together.

Reading posts from women who no longer 'like' their husbands but still love them, I can't tell if we come back from this or how to approach it to give us the best chance possible for reconciliation? of course working on me and getting my ability to argue with less anger is going to have to happen regardless...

Am I toast, suggestions on what I can do? I am reading books, starting therapy and have my own apt to give her space...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stick to one thread so people can help you.

Do you want to try to work this out or help with letting go of her?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Sorry, didn't realize that the first one I posted to is pre-separation/divorce. Yep, I very much want to work things out with my wife!!!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

McDean said:


> Sorry, didn't realize that the first one I posted to is pre-separation/divorce. Yep, I very much want to work things out with my wife!!!


Why?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Despite some of the issues, we have had far many more good times and periods in our lives together. Our daughter is wonderful and we are good parents. I love who she is even if things are off for her right now. I can trust, or always felt that way until recently. I want to be a better person because of her. 

Hard to put all the reasons in writing but above popped into my head immediately. 

Thanks.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Maybe I need to go read your other posts. Getting angry once a year does not warrant anger management. 

Marduk asked you why to get you to list some good points about your W. Haven't seen any yet. We only know what you've said.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Gotcha, she is smart, strong (more so before fibro hit), funny, kind, beautiful and a great friend and mother. My anger may not be continuous but is extreme when it happens. Grew up in a place where fighting was the norm. Never learned how to just argue when there are emotions involved.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

What were some things that you got angry about?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Most of the time it was related to her choice of friends. I have no problem with her having friends, even lots of friends, but a little discernment would be nice. Some of her friends, our friends, are simply wonderful. Others not so much. A few are even, in my opinion but not only mine, happiest when others are not and so are borderline home wreckers. Most every other bad fight in our 11years was about something truly stupid so I can barely remember what they were about. I operate under the belief that you are an amalgamation of the 5 people you spend the most time with so you want to surround yourself with the best people possible....


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Wow - so just spent 3 hrs talking with my wife. It is so very clear to me that she still loves me and really is feeling guilty about the separation. She feels my anger etc. has just made it hard to like me. But, and I truly appreciated her honesty, she also told me that she has had a crush on a friend of ours for the past 2 years and she really doesn't understand it, especially since she thinks most of his lifestyle is a train wreck. My first thoughts naturally were that she has most likely cheated but she told me he doesn't know, which I know him well and actually believe her....she said the reason she wanted to tell me is that she felt I deserved to know so that during the trial separation I could make the best decision for me. I asked if she planned to tell him how she felt and she said yes but also that she knows she's not his type and feels like a rejected school girl but also is torn because she loves me and hasn't given up yet - she just doesn't know how to handle her feelings right now. In a few weeks she goes to her families ranch for 3 weeks and won't be around any of us which should help, as I pointed out to her.

Why am I so calm, sure I'm hurt but actually I really feel calm. I still want the marriage to work out because of all that we have done and shared together. I truly believe, and I told her this in the nicest way possible, that her disease coupled with the meds had started to tank her judgement and that I want her to be careful and not rush in....

In the end, I have no idea how this will go, I'm flapping in the breeze and really can't for the life of me figure out what I can do about it...or even do for myself for that matter...

I'm an open book!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Basically she is asking for your blessing to try sleeping with him and if it doesn't work out she might return to you like the faithful woman but conflict person she is.

Why don't you tell her that since she needs to get it out of her system, she ought to go and sleep with him. However, if considers herself single, which is what you need to be if you are hooking up with new romantic partners, then wish her good luck and happiness. You will not be waiting for her, though, your marriage will be over.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Basically she is asking for your blessing to try sleeping with him and if it doesn't work out she might return to you like the faithful woman but conflict person she is.
> 
> Why don't you tell her that since she needs to get it out of her system, she ought to go and sleep with him. However, if considers herself single, which is what you need to be if you are hooking up with new romantic partners, then wish her good luck and happiness. You will not be waiting for her, though, your marriage will be over.


Chances are they already hooked up!!!!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Well, she wouldn't tell him if that were the case. Better to say that she has been in an EA for XX months and leave it at that.


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