# how do you get over the hurt?



## SOPHISTICATED81

My husband and I have*together*6*years off and on. We have seperated multiple times. Some times last weeks and have gone into months. We have had a rocky relationship. Since we have been married he has cheated quite a few times. Majority of the times have been during our seperations when he is out of the house. I did cheat about 4 years ago while we were seperated. h ehad someone else and I was tired of crying and being alone. We went to counseling about 4 years ago, renewed our vows and vowed to make things work. We had an incident where he accused me recently of giving him and std and then slashing his tires. I was confused and hurt and figured he was back up to his old tricks. I though he was seeing someone else and making excuses to cheat. I couldnt deal with that hurt again so I asked him to leave. Now before i get to the issue, I know a lot of you will say it's my fault. He packed up and left on a Wednesday, met and slept with someone on Thursday. he had this female around his family. he was flaunting her like she was his girlfriend. he slept with her repeatedly. Was telling me he loved me and wanted to come home but was also still seeing her. She was rumored to have had hiv, they both got tested and were negative. He told me he never dealt with her afterwards but that was a lie. he was staying nights at our apartment telling me he wanted to make it work and then goung to be with her the next day. I honestly feel humiliated and embarrassed. He is back home and we are tyring to make it work but I dont know how to get over the hurt???? the female still comes around his place of business and areas that he frequents. he says its over and I believe him but my emotions are all over the place. just talking about it makes me mad. he claims he loves me but how do you sleep with another person one day after you and your wife seperate? i feel like he really wanted to be with this female but something prevented that from happening. i feel like he came home as a last resort and I am really his last choice. I honestly feel like her chose her over me. We are trying to work past the issues and he is back home but I dont know how to get over the hurt
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

SOPHISTICATED81, 
relationships aren't supposed to be so difficult. I can't imagine you're compatible or that it will get better if you've split so often and stepped out. I'm guessing it feels more normal than it should because it's all you've known for 6 years. Plus drama and making up addicting.
I think fear and insecurity has been driving your life and until that changes and until you think you have worth and until your actions and choices are driven by logic and love for yourself, things will keep repeating. If not with your husband then with someone else.

Oh wait. That didn't answer the question. Not repeating mistakes helps because it makes it seem like something good came out of it. Time helps. Being proud of yourself helps.


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## mablenc

" the female still comes around his place of business and areas that he frequents."

You can't get over it if he's still hurting you.


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## clipclop2

moving on helps too 

is there some reason that you feel the need to forgive him each and every time ? do you really believe that cheating for years ago give him the right to sleep with whomever he wants ? 

ignore him saying that he loves you .

look at his actions . 

I have no idea what he could possibly say to you to justify his behavior . but whatever it is you seem to be buying it .

there's a poster by the company despair. it says winners never quit and quitters never win. But people who never win and never quit are idiots .

or something like that .

take a good hard look at yourself and try to get at the root of why you would spend seven years bouncing back and forth . it just seems like that many separations indicate a fundamental incompatibility between you .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

Yeah l have to go with others l'm sorry. The relationship really has had 10 times the drama and hurt it should've had in such a short time.
Or look at it this way. The first 5-10yrs are the honeymoon period really, all the spice and fun , freshness , not to many worries as compared to later with kids and all their stuff, wopping bills, mortgages and financial strains., tiredness, work.

Good luck with it all anyway.


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## cdbaker

Yeah he need some IC, because he really seems like a wayward husband, addicted to sex with others or worse.

He probably isn't lying when he says that he loves you, but it isn't normal for him to walk out and sleep with someone the very next day. In my separation, I waited several months before I opened up to seeing other people, and all the while my wife was pursuing divorce and openly flaunting a new relationship publicly. I was still married, so I'm still not exactly proud of my seeing other women, but I also knew all along that I still loved my wife, and had hope that we would reconcile. I think I told myself that the odds were so low of reconciling, that I was just wasting time by waiting, so I might as well take the opportunity to see what else was out there since I hadn't been single since high school.

But him going out so quickly, and frequently, says that he didn't care enough about you to focus only on you. If he was never insisting on divorce while doing that, then it means he also figured he could easily get away with it and just come home when he was ready. Just as you said, "his back up plan."

Now is that how he feels right now? No way of knowing. Now that you are already in the reconciliation stage, it's sort of tough. Have you caught him in a lie relating to him and other women since he has come back home and the reconciliation began? I think that would be really damning if so. Has he promised you that there will be no contact between him and ANY other woman he has been intimate with before, and has he truly done his best to honor that? Like can he avoid seeing her when she comes around? Has he written her a NC letter and allowed you to see him sending it to know that she has received it, or perhaps made a phone call with a similar purpose? I don't know what kind of business he works at, but can he just insist that she not come there anymore? When she has "come around", has he actively avoided or walked away from her?

Those elements are all very, very important if his commitment is genuine. There really isn't any gray area in such a matter. It's no contact, or no marriage.


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## Thundarr

SOPHISTICATED81 said:


> My husband and I have*together*6*years off and on. We have seperated multiple times. Some times last weeks and have gone into months. We have had a rocky relationship. Since we have been married he has cheated quite a few times. Majority of the times have been during our seperations when he is out of the house. I did cheat about 4 years ago while we were seperated. h ehad someone else and I was tired of crying and being alone. We went to counseling about 4 years ago, renewed our vows and vowed to make things work. We had an incident where he accused me recently of giving him and std and then slashing his tires. I was confused and hurt and figured he was back up to his old tricks. I though he was seeing someone else and making excuses to cheat. I couldnt deal with that hurt again so I asked him to leave. Now before i get to the issue, I know a lot of you will say it's my fault. He packed up and left on a Wednesday, met and slept with someone on Thursday. he had this female around his family. he was flaunting her like she was his girlfriend. he slept with her repeatedly. Was telling me he loved me and wanted to come home but was also still seeing her. She was rumored to have had hiv, they both got tested and were negative. He told me he never dealt with her afterwards but that was a lie. he was staying nights at our apartment telling me he wanted to make it work and then goung to be with her the next day. I honestly feel humiliated and embarrassed. He is back home and we are tyring to make it work but I dont know how to get over the hurt???? the female still comes around his place of business and areas that he frequents. he says its over and I believe him but my emotions are all over the place. just talking about it makes me mad. he claims he loves me but how do you sleep with another person one day after you and your wife seperate? i feel like he really wanted to be with this female but something prevented that from happening. i feel like he came home as a last resort and I am really his last choice. I honestly feel like her chose her over me. We are trying to work past the issues and he is back home but I dont know how to get over the hurt
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He thinks sex with other people while separated is acceptable and you've bought into it hence the reason you are still together. Whenever temptation presents it's self then it's a good time for him to separate and f*ck someone else and then get back together later pretending there was no betrayal. It's not working for you because it's screwwed up and you know it. Come on SOPHISTICATED, you're in pain because you and he are doing painful things to each other. If you're not willing to make a stand and stop it then you'll be in pain again. It's not complicated.


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## tracyishere

Respect yourself and set boundaries. Don't lie to yourself or to him, this behavior is not okay.


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