# Want to decrease my sexual desire



## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

I am a guy in my mid-30's with three kids, married for 9 years.

My wife has seemed to completely shut off interest in sex. I wish I could do the same, but I can't, and think about it quite often. I feel that masturbating is not a solution for me because it just "feeds" the sex drive. In fact, I don't really feel like my sex drive has decreased over the years, so it means that my wife and I are at opposite extremes of the spectrum, which makes it quite difficult for me. I don't want to decrease my sex drive only because she is not interested in it anymore, but also because I feel that it distracts me quite often during the day thinking about it and "dealing" with it. Obviously, in the seldom times I do have sex it quashes my desire for the day, but again, it is VERY seldom that I have sex.

I am looking for a solution (or at least anything that can help the situation) - any ideas out there? Please feel free to share.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Does your wife know and understand the dilemma that you are having? If so, does she acknowledge it as an issue and is willing to work at it? If not, why not?

Have you examined, identified, and tried to ameliorate the reason(s) for her disinterest?

Do you keep yourself sufficiently occupied and busy otherwise - hobbies, interests outside the home, friends? Often, when we have something that we highly desire that we don't have, it is easy to let it occupy a very large space in our minds. Re-direction of that energy in to other positive outlets can be beneficial.

Best wishes.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

You can’t decrease your sexual desire only mask it. I did that for years by just going full bore on my hobbies and other interests.

Where the problem comes in, is that while everything seems great and you think you found the perfect solution what starts to happen over time is that you lose the emotional connection to your spouse and you begin to lose attraction for them and check out of the relationship. (Happened to me.) :scratchhead:

Regards,

rotor


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've got three kids. Leave the old lady home and start spending some great quality time with them. It'll be great for the kids and for you, too. Mom will get some rest time and she'll see you focusing your energy on what's probably most important to her (the kids). She might soon be coming onto you. Even if she doesn't, you're giving the kids "dad time" they need and you're feeling adored and appreciated. That aint bad.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

We could try getting married... That seemed to work for my wife. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

How is your attractiveness? Are you fit, taking care of yourself? As a woman I can safely say no woman lacks a sex drive at her age, barring medical issues. Something is amiss here. 
When you talk with her, what does she say?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

That's the age at which my wife started cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

SSRI Antidepressants are notorious for reducing sex drive.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

I prefer to stay clear from anti depresants and stuff like that unless I need them for their main prupose.

My wife knows that it is an issue for me, but it simply seems like she has completely lost her sex drive. I haven't asked her to work on it, I don't want to put pressure on her since we have 3 kids. She definitely isn't cheating, just not interested at all.

I can try occupying my time with other hobies as suggested, including my kids, but I find that I think about it all the time. I don't think about it as much during a hobby, such as when I am playing basketball, or when I am busy doing things with the kids, but I still think about it all other times, so I can't occupy myself with hobbies all day. Besides, the kids go to school most of the day  Still, redirecting energy does help to a certain extent.

I am also worried about losing the emotional connection as mentioned - I feel like sex is an important part of the emotional connection with your partner.

Regarding my attractiveness - without trying to sound full of myself, I am an attractive guy, and it is not uncommon for women to come on to me. If anything, I believe that I look better now than I did when we started our relationship.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Benevolent said:


> My wife knows that it is an issue for me, but it simply seems like she has completely lost her sex drive. I haven't asked her to work on it, I don't want to put pressure on her since we have 3 kids. She definitely isn't cheating, just not interested at all.


You have been brainwashed. 
Your wife convinced you that you are a pervert and that sex is wrong. She has gotten you to the point where you are agreeing to cut your own balls off.

Your emotional satisfaction in your marriage is tied to sexual fulfillment. Your marriage cannot function unless both you and your wife are giving and receiving emotional satisfaction to each other. Your 3 children deserve to be in a family where the marriage is functioning.

You cannot remove your sexual drive. In fact you should be proud of it. You should build a marriage where you meet your wife's emotional needs at a high level, and she meets your emotional needs at a high level.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Start spending your discretionary time in areas where there are loads of attractive women. Women are competitive. I wouldn't suggest an affair but it doesn't hurt for your wife to realize she might have some competition. Above all, when you're around your wife pretend to be happy and content. Withholding sex is only a power tool if she believes you want it more than she does.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

I agree that the emotional connection is important, but I don't feel that I have been brainwashed or that she is making me believe sex is wrong. She has simply lost interest and prefers to do anything else instead of it. It isn't even at the bottom of her list of priorities...it is simply not on her list at all.

I have been out with her near other attractive women, she has even seen women trying to hit on me, but it doesn't seem to make a difference here. Still stuck.

I am not only trying to reduce my sexual desire for her sake, but also for my sake so that I can concentrate better on other things rather than think about it all the time.

I am trying to go "cold turkey" from getting satisfaction from her or myself to see how that goes, but I am finding it quite difficult so far after only one week...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You are married. Sex is the way that married people stay connected. You will start to resent your wife if you try to shut off your sexuality. Have you told your wife how you feel? You need to let her know that you two are not roommates, and that marriage is defined by sexual relations.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

This is the problem - I feel the same way you do lovesherman, but I am wondering if I see it wrong. Perhaps the kids and other shared experiences are what now defines our marriage, and sex has simply become something that you can now tick off as "optional" rather than "required". And therefore it is me asking for too much?

I don't resent her, but I must admit that I really do get annoyed when I see all the other random things she is willing to do rather than have sex...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Only you can say if you are willing to forgo sex and be roommates. Most married people cannot do this. I'll bet it won't be long before you are considering an emotional or physical affair. When needs are not met, people will look elsewhere for fulfillment. Please tell your wife how you feel. She continues to ignore your needs at the peril of you marriage.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

I see what you mean.

As the moment I avoid any situations where I can be tempted by others...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Benevolent ~

I am really struggling in how to frame a reply to you. I mostly see queries on the board from men who in your position, with a low/no drive wife, want to know how to get their wife interested in sex rather than how to decrease their own drive.

I am a staunch proponent of the value of sexual intimacy within marriage. But, trying to pursue re-kindling that intimacy with your spouse is something that you will have to decide. Differing drives is not an uncommon feature within marriage. But with love and commitment of both parties, a satisfying sex life for both is achievable.

In the interests of answering your initial question, simply google "reduce male sex drive". There will be any number of hits on things you can do - one is to keep active and wear yourself out. Fatigue can diminish about anything. 

I really hope that you will give this more thought and realize that your sex drive is not a curse, even though it may feel like it to you at times. It is a blessing. It is a part of you just as much as your hair and eyes and your beating heart is. You should be proud of the fact that you are a man and have the accompanying drive. It supremely defines your masculinity - do not throw it away so lightly.

Not only that, but within marriage, your sex drive is a gift - to your wife - if only she would be able to see that and open it. 

God Bless.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Slam your **** in a drawer.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

Thanks Enchantment.

I guess that I am taking the less common approach because I don't want to put extra pressure on my wife. Also, even if she agrees to have sex more often, it will become a chore for her rather than something that she wants to do, which will defeat the purpose from an intimacy perspective.

Very tricky...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just be careful about the whole "tire yourself out" idea. If a guy has a low sex drive, one of the ways to improve it is to start working out (if you're not already). Increases the testosterone, improves your self esteem and sex quotient. Bad situation if you're not getting enough at home, ya know?

While I understand your desire to not put pressure on your wife, the ideal outcome is to increase her desire so she WANTS it as much as you do. Not that she meets your obligation with as much enthusiasm as doing the laundry or getting the oil changed in the car.

And one other thought... My guess (since I haven't been the low drive partner, although I wonder with my GF) is that the LD spouse often doesn't see the situation as a problem. So why should they work at solving a problem they don't see. It's like your boss tells you that you're getting a pay cut, but because you're switching tax brackets, you'll be making the same as you were before. Are you going to squawk too much about it? Likely not.she has no reason to try to move outside her comfort zone.

Anyway, good luck with finding a solution. Personally, I think you'll try to block off that side of yourself, and if you're successful, you'll end up bitter and resentful. If you're not successful, you'll either end up cheating or you'll have a blow up fight in your marriage.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TalkToMe (Oct 9, 2011)

I know that personally when my sex drive is turned off it is due to something wrong with the relationship. Women have emotional sex. Men . . . not so much. Here's a question for you . . . does she have any "me" time? Do you have any "me" time? Some things that she will ask you to do will seem trivial, but regardless, do you still do them? It's not that she has lost her sex drive. It's still there.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Hey Benevolent I was in your shoes not too long ago. My H didnt want to have sex and I have a very high sex drive. I can understand that you might think its different since I'm not a guy, but I was also being driven crazy by my sex drive. The lack of sex was making me irate, resentful and pretty much driving me crazy. 

I decided that I needed to get a grip on myself. It actually started to anger me that my body seemed to be the one in control. To me it was similar to trying to kick a soda and candy habit that I also had. I got that under control and lost a lot of weight so I decided to apply the same mentality to trying to reign in my sex drive. When losing weight I had to change my lifestyle and so to avoid getting turned on, or wanting sex, my life style drastically changed. I dont watch tv. I dont read magazines. I dont watch anything above PG movies. I have a program called k9 web protection that filters all images on my computer. I dont even listen to the radio. Those were the physical changes of things I stopped doing. The mental change was even more difficult: to stop being the victim. I had to own these choices and not think 'oh poor me it's so unfair' or 'my H needs to change! What he's doing is wrong.' I had to drop that attitude. 

That was just step one for me. I also knew I couldn't survive in a sexless marriage so as i was regaining control of myself I also had to know my H was making an effort towards our sex life. I wanted sex I just didnt want that desire to control me. My situation is probably very different then yours when it comes to this step but if you need something from your wife dont be afraid to ask for it. I think if you feel in control of yourself, and not like a beggar, the asking becomes easier.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

That's correct, my wife doesn't see it as a problem. I have discussed it with her in the past, but it seems she thinks it is just a minor set-back, and I have avoided turning into a big deal so that it doesn't strain our relationship. On the other hand, I agree that I can reach a point where I could become resentful, especially when I hear the different reasons as to why she doesn't want to have sex.

Talktome - we each have a bit of "me" time in the evenings, but this is of course after a long day. What do you mean by saying: "Some things that she will ask you to do will seem trivial, but regardless, do you still do them?"

I do agree - I think that the more I get rejected, the more I think of it and the more frustrated I get.

Blanca - what you explain in your reply regarding your sentiments is exactly what I am feeling. But it sounds like you have changed your life style quite drastically, I don't know if I am willing to make such a change. Do you feel that the changes you made border on changing your personality altogether so that you are a different person?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Does your job offer overtime? How about a second job? Open a second account for just you and deposit the extra bread in it. As far as the pain of rejection, you only get rejected if you approach her for sex, so assume the answer is "no" and quit approaching her for sex. If all you are is a money tree, might as well produce as much as you can.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's a self correcting problem. Eventually your libido will die out on its own. I can't say as I've had a seriously erotic thought in years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Runs is correct. Eventually, you won't be able to buy an erotic thought about her.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

I wouldn't say I am a money tree, but I work in finance and am a hard worker.

So you are basically saying that my interest will naturally die down with time...the problem is that there is no telling how long that can take, especially assuming that it differs from guy to guy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Benevolent,

Even the slowest farmer will eventually quit lowering his bucket down a dry well. Oh, you'll still feel sexual attraction, just not about her. If she rejects you long enough, it'll become almost impossible to imagine her in a sexual situation.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

Interesting quote


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Benevolent said:


> Blanca - what you explain in your reply regarding your sentiments is exactly what I am feeling. But it sounds like you have changed your life style quite drastically, I don't know if I am willing to make such a change. Do you feel that the changes you made border on changing your personality altogether so that you are a different person?


Probably not since dropping movies, tv, etc wasnt that big of a lifestyle change for me. I never really did those things anyway. But changing my victim perspective was very difficult. 

I really think you need to tell her exactly how bad this is getting for you.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

Agreed


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This is like taking appetite suppressants when someone is starving you to death. Might get better results by fixing the cook or picking a new restaurant.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> This is like taking appetite suppressants when someone is starving you to death. Might get better results by fixing the cook or picking a new restaurant.


If these two quotes below are anything to go by, he's not the remotest bit interested in fixing the cook or the restaurant, merely in finding a way to tolerate what he gets served.

If he's not prepared to even _ask_ her to work on it, and isn't preprared to tell her that it's a big deal to him, the chances of him being driven enough to split from her are infinitesimally small.



Benevolent said:


> I haven't asked her to work on it, I don't want to put pressure on her since we have 3 kids. She definitely isn't cheating, just not interested at all.





Benevolent said:


> I have discussed it with her in the past, but it seems she thinks it is just a minor set-back, and I have avoided turning into a big deal so that it doesn't strain our relationship.


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## Benevolent (Oct 7, 2011)

Interesting quote Unbelievable, but Sawney's analysis is correct


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Benevolent said:


> Interesting quote Unbelievable, but Sawney's analysis is correct


With the greatest respect, you display a total aversion to dealing with the underlying causes and simply wish to find a way to try to mitigate the symptoms.

Imagine taking this approach to a broken leg or a leaking pipe in your house.

"Oh, I'll find things to do where I don't have to walk, because a plaster cast and crutches are so ungainly / I'll buy a load of buckets because pipework is so disruptive".

Sooner or later, there WILL be long-term serious relationship fallout arising from your refusal to address the problem. 

By trying to reduce your sex drive you are not dealing with the issue, you are merely avoiding it. Sooner or later you will have to. The longer you leave it, the greater the long-term structural damage will be.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Wedding Cake is a tried and true method to crushing all libido.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The OP can't fix this. There are evil people and there are crazy people in this world. The OP didn't create the world. He just rides on it like the rest of us. His problem is in the heart and between the ears of the female he married, therefore, she's the only one in a position to fix it. He can't transform her into a caring, empathetic person any more than he could transform her into an ostrich. There's not enough counseling, not enough books, not enough nonsexual touching on earth to transform a self-centered, uncaring, fraudulent wife. She's the one not complying with the vows she made. She has to be motivated to fix the problem and I see no evidence that she is.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Unbelievable:

You may be right, but Benevolent hasn't tried to communicate his feelings yet to his wife. Only after he has tried being honest with her, and if she then refuses to do anything about it, will your analysis be correct. I am going on the assumption that she loves him, but does not understand the importance of sex to a man.


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## ladyavon (Oct 10, 2011)

Speaking as a woman, if sex with my H is as good as it should be, then I want it more, if not, I lose interest. Ask her to be honest with you, if she is enjoying sex, she may not want to tell you for fear of hurting your ego. Maybe, instead of being frustrated after each time, which is really depressing, it's easier to just find other things to do. I say, you need to romance her, sweep her off her feet and if she lets you, even once, give her the best mind blowing sex she has ever had, make it all about her pleasure... and I would put money on it that she will regain interest and start pursuing you.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Unbelievable:
> 
> You may be right, but Benevolent hasn't tried to communicate his feelings yet to his wife.


I'll take a wild guess that she isn't telepathic either...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He says pretty plainly that she knows his frustration but lacks motivation. If only I can feed my wife and I haven't fed her in a week, I don't need a medical report to know I'm starving her. How utterly clueless would someone have to be before they could live with a completely frustrated and miserable life partner and not realize it? If my wife is even slightly peeved, I know it pretty damned quick. Her husband is practically beside himself and she needs someone to erect a billboard to tell her there's a problem?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She's the one not complying with the vows she made.


What vows?


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## 1InKS (Oct 21, 2009)

Benevolent,
In my 30’s I thought the same. –Just wish my drive would decrease. I did not deal with the situation just as Sawney alluded to. Yes, I had conservations with my wife but to no avail just as in your case. Now in my 40’s the distance and frustration are so prevalent in me that I am no longer attracted to my wife. Please, do not take that fork in the road……….


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Wedding Cake is a tried and true method to crushing all libido.


Maybe for you and many husbands, but not mine.:smthumbup:

I would say that having children is more like a libido crushing method.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Benevolent,

There is one positive side to your plan. Frustration comes from expecting one thing and getting another. With your plan, you expect nothing (for six months) so, for at least half a year, you will not be as frustrated. Saving your sanity and peace is worth a lot and if the past three years has shown you anything at all, it's shown you that you must deal with your suffering alone. For six months you'll be able to see your wife clearly, without the filter of sex to cloud your vision.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Maybe for you and many husbands, but not mine.:smthumbup:
> 
> I would say that having children is more like a libido crushing method.


You have to get together once or twice to HAVE kids. So there's that.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

:lol::lol::lol: Yeah, that's true. But it is hardly enough to sustain a marriage.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

He could get a vasectomy and not tell her. Then they have to keep trying! Presto change-o, he gets sex...

j/k


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Benevolent said:


> I am a guy in my mid-30's with three kids, married for 9 years.
> 
> My wife has seemed to completely shut off interest in sex. I wish I could do the same, but I can't, and think about it quite often. I feel that masturbating is not a solution for me because it just "feeds" the sex drive. In fact, I don't really feel like my sex drive has decreased over the years, so it means that my wife and I are at opposite extremes of the spectrum, which makes it quite difficult for me. I don't want to decrease my sex drive only because she is not interested in it anymore, but also because I feel that it distracts me quite often during the day thinking about it and "dealing" with it. Obviously, in the seldom times I do have sex it quashes my desire for the day, but again, it is VERY seldom that I have sex.
> 
> I am looking for a solution (or at least anything that can help the situation) - any ideas out there? Please feel free to share.


I have also thought about taking things to kill my drive. It seems that is is running my life.

I have been having the same problem with my husband. He is the one that never wants to have sex. It has been going on for about 2 plus years now... Averaging about once every two months. I also wish i could shut myself off.. It would make my life so much easier. 

People say not to view having a high drive as a curse, it is hard not to really, when your partner is no where near the same page as you are. 

Last month my h and I had a huge blow out. I set my boundaries with him.. This is my last straw. I have had enough..I told him I will not live in a sexless marriage any longer. Nor will i live in an affectionless or loveless marriage. I was going to pack my crap and move out and move on with my life, without him. I was so ready to do so.. Me telling him i was leaving him was not an empty threat, I meant it. 

Maybe you need to do what I mentioned above.. Set your boundaries with her. Tell her what you need from her. Give her some time to follow through with it, if she doesn't then walk. Never give an empty threat, it will not work, if you do.

Usually when sex in a marriage fails there are other problems outside of the bedroom.. Lack of sex is a symptom of something bigger going on. If you can find out what the problem/s are then you and your wife can work on fixing them.

You need to talk to her about this... Things cant get any better if you don't. She doesn't know how you feel if you don't tell her. Talk to her.


things between h and i are a little better, there are still things missing, but i hope that we will get there..


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Zzyzx said:


> He could get a vasectomy and not tell her. Then they have to keep trying! Presto change-o, he gets sex...
> 
> j/k


:lol::lol::lol::lol: Thanks for the morning laugh!


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Have you gone the health check-up route? Physical to determine if hormones are in the right balance? Does she take birth control? Any anti-depressants? Try to eliminate causes due to physical ailments that could explain this issue. 

Come armed with stats. Google it up. Avg couple has sex XX times a year. We have sex X times per year. Could be attributed to hormone imbalance, which could be a symptom of other diseases / problems. Need to get you into a doctor to make sure nothing's wrong. Don't want to lose you. Blah, blah, blah.

Once health checks out, you really have to get into marriage counseling. You can either address this situation now or let the resentment build, have a miserable life and get divorced in 10 years. You owe it to her to try to solve this problem now.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Meg said:


> Emotionally...she's "married" to the kids. Not you. It happens.


It certainly can, and anyone who thinks it can't is in for a shock.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Every night when you get in bed next to her masturbate, finish, look indifferently at her, roll over facing away from her, then turn off the light. No back rubs, no kisses goodnight, no nothing. Other than that, do your regular husbandly duties with the kids, the garbage the money earning, washing of dishes (whatever you usually do). Do this for a few weeks, then come home from work about an hour late, do not answer your phone if she calls. When she asks why you did not answer say you were "In a meeting". Then when you get in bed that night don't masturbate. Then the following night, be home on time get in bed and masturbate. Masturbate every night until the following week when you repeat the "meeting" night, but instead do 2 "meeting" nights. After a while she will start to wonder if you are cheating, and maybe you will get laid. 

Not sure if this is good advice, but at least it will get some kind of response out of her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No way would I lay next to my wife and masturbate pitifully, sigh, and roll over like some victim. A sadistic, self-centered type would love that kind of power. Find something to occupy your time in the evenings where you are rarely around her. When you are around her, be the happiest you've ever been. Be socially attentive, polite, cooperative, but 100% non romantic and non-sexual. Work out, smell good when you go out, dress up. Be (or appear) confident and happy. Abusive behavior often stops when it has lost it's effect. I'd also start reducing her access to my money. Make sure bills are paid but she doesn't get to play zombie wife while blissfully shopping on your sweat. Right now, she's suffered no loss or even inconvenience as a consequence of abusing you. She'll figure out pretty quick that if she wants to stay on the team she'll have to get off the bench.


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