# DDay for both myself and spouse



## B329FA (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi everyone

well i have set up time tonight to sit down with my wife and put all secrets out on the table.

I have spent the last couple of days reading through this site and have come to realize that what I called harmless chatting and flirting during the late 90's in chat rooms was actually emotional affairs. My wife knows about the chatting and flirting but tonight will be the first time I actually refer to them as what they really were and accept the fact that I did something wrong.

Tonight is also the night I hope my wife opens up and admits her physical affair earlier this year. Well I know she is going to admit it its just whether she does it voluntarily or if I have to prove to her that I already know and force it out of her.

I really think that if we are going to reconcile we need to get all this out in the open and become transparent to each other. I know all of her passwords to facebook, emails etc and have changed all my passwords to match hers so that we can both check up on each other and start earning the trust back.

I also hope we can sit down and discuss all the reasons that lead up to my emotional affair and her physical affair so that we can begin to work things out. I might be dreaming but I really think we can work things out.

Over the last month my wife has gone from wanting a divorce and living in Germany and me living in the states to wanting to move back to the states together. We have both taken the big step of agreeing to both individual counseling and marriage counseling.

I just hope tonight goes off with out any hitches. I hope we can both get the secrets out and begin the process of moving on.

Anyone think I am stupid and hoping for a dream ending?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You're not stupid. You're finally being responsible.
Best of luck.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

If you both want it, no it's not stupid. You gotta do what feels right for you. Hope it works out for you. I'd be prepared for the unexpected... one never knows what will come to light under such a discussion.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Stay firm and don't accept any denials, blame shifting, or gaslighting. Don't accept the "He's just a friend" line. NC is non negotiable, as is the NC letter and the transparency.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

It could work. The most productive conversations my wife and I had after her A where the ones where I admitted things that I would have normally kept secret. My willingness to be open helped her to open up.

But your wife has to want the same thing that you do. In my case my wife did and it all worked out. And now I love how open we can be with each other.


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## B329FA (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi everyone

Well it is DDAY + 1 

I am really feeling overwhelmed right now. A lot of things came out between my wife and I last night. Some things I knew and just needed to have my wife tell me and somethings I didn't know. 

My wife gave me a lot more information than I needed and could truly handle. When I tried stopping her and saying I don't really need to hear any more she said she needed to give me her story. 
That made me feel good and bad at the same time. I was glad that she needed to get it all out but bad because I wasn't ready for everything that she needed to get out. But after it was all out we hugged for a while and talked even more. I think we talked more about our relationship last night than we have in the entire 18 years of marriage.

Now for the real problem. How do you deal with all the emotions? I woke up this morning and while doing dishes I was trying to process everything and was feeling angry, lonely, jealous etc. I went up to try and cuddle with my wife just to feel some kind of connection and basically got shot down. That made me feel hurt. 

I have always been the type of person to keep my emotions bottled up and over the last few months have been trying to express my feelings more and this is just really confusing. The one feeling I don't want to feel is anger. I know people are going to say I should feel anger but I don't think anger is going to help solve the issues. I think that emotion will only make it worse.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

You need professional counselling to get through this period and it may be needed for a long while afterwards.

You have good ingredients here simply because both of you want to give each other the opportunity to make your marriage work. Not everyone gets that choice. Often one spouse will take the blame but that should fall on the shoulders of the spouse that doesn't want to make it work.

You both have a lead here since you are both willing to try.

On the emotional front you need help for yourself by way of individual counselling; think yourself very lucky, even if you don't see it yet because your wife is getting it all out and it's not the trickle truth. That's worse, much worse. 

You will need to brace yourself to be stoic and hear everything she has to say. She shouldn't have to shout loud for you to listen. If she does, your'e not getting it. If it gets too much, count to 10, breathe out slowly on each count and say can we take a break please and resume once you are more self composed. 

Both of you are trying and that's the real important ingredient here, it is not just one but two of you wanting to make it work. Means you must love each other to want to try.

Maybe agree a set time to talk for a set period and schedule another time when you have regathered your strength to hear more gory facts. The truth hurts!
Good luck to you both.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

B329FA said:


> I went up to try and cuddle with my wife just to feel some kind of connection and basically got shot down. That made me feel hurt.


As painful as DDay is, the worst thing you can do is look needy. This makes you very unattractive to her, and that's why she rebuffed you. You need to do elements of the 180. This is to strengthen yourself.



B329FA said:


> I have always been the type of person to keep my emotions bottled up and over the last few months have been trying to express my feelings more and this is just really confusing. The one feeling I don't want to feel is anger. I know people are going to say I should feel anger but I don't think anger is going to help solve the issues. I think that emotion will only make it worse.
> 
> Any advice will be greatly appreciated


The last thing you need to do is bottle up your emotions, which is what you are doing. Sorry, but you are going to feel angry at some point and bottling it in is just going to make things worse for you. 

What you need to do is breath, drink water, try to eat and exercise. If you feel you need to, you can go to the doctor and get some AD meds prescribed, they will clear your mind and help you to think. Don't be one of those guys who think meds are for the weak. Get into some IC if you need it.

Like it or not, you are going to be on the emotional roller coaster for a while. You really haven't given much information as to how the confrontation went, just that a lot of info came out. Is she remorseful? Does she want to separate? Does she want the OM? What happened? Her intentions right now are going to determine how long and how often you are going to ride the roller coaster. Here is the 180, you need to enact some elements of it.

*The 180*​
_*1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.*

*2. No frequent phone calls.*

*3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.*

*4. Don't follow her/him around the house.*

*5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.*

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

*7. Don't ask for reassurances.*

*8. Don't buy or give gifts.*

*9. Don't schedule dates together.*

*10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" *Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

*11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse *- get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

*14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.* 

*16. Seem totally uninterested.* Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life with out them!

*17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything!* Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

*18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment?* Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

*19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it *(which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

*20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper.* No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

*21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.*

*22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel *(it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

*23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.*
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

*27. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

28. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.* It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

*29. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.* Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

*30. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

31. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.* Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message._


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## B329FA (Jun 21, 2011)

DDAY +3

So far today has been a wonderful day. My wife and I went for a 5 mile walk. We held hands and talked. And I have to admit we have talked a lot since DDay and I think we both have gotten a lot of things that were making us unhappy out into the open. I honestly believe neither of us has any secrets left and that has allowed both of us to start mending the marriage. Granted we both are going to need some individual counseling as well as marriage counseling before everything is better. We both had a lot of skeletons in our closets that I think were hurting us. 

Now just like with an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs trying to restart their lives my wife and I are going to take it one day at a time. We both know there are going to be rocky patches and days where we will feel like we have no hope but we will get past those days and move on to the next.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't mean to pry, what did she tell you?It would help to know what your dealing with. You will be on a roller coaster of emotions. Be very careful not to hammer her with questions or comments about what has happened. In fact you need to go slow asking questions, one at a time and give her time to respond. Writing them down helps. ALWAYS thank her for honesty and hold your anger or pain in check while talking. If you hit her emotionally, she will withdraw and not want to talk and will eventually cut off all discussions to avoid the pain and your reactions. Don't ask for gory details, they create triggers and mental movies you will have to deal with and aren't worth it. Remember to consider her pain and put yourself in her shoes even though that is real tough with what your dealing with. Both of you get checked for STDs - just to be safe. We all know how hard it is to cope. You do ahve to work through it and so does she. She needs to determine why it happened. If you bury it it will haunt both of you and doing that won't allow the two of you rebuild trust and honesty and fortify the walls around your marriage to prevent it in the future. DO NOT GO COLD ON HER. Shutting down your emotions will make her think your withdrawing.


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## B329FA (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi 8yearscheating

A lot of what came out is what I did to make her turn to a physical affair what she did to turn me to an emotional affair. 

There were things that she remembered that I did not. Things that she has kept inside since early in our marriage. For me I expressed how I felt like I took second fiddle to her work. 

There were just a lot of things that we talked about. And just the fact that we are both talking is a big thing in our marriage. We have different personalities when it comes to talking. I am a very quiet person unless i think i am right. If I think I am right I would rather fight than to admit I might be wrong and my wife is the exact opposite. She would rather just admit she's wrong even if she was right.

Yes there are going to be a lot of ups and downs but its how we handle those that will define things. Today was a good example. My wife got back from a work trip Thursday and we spent the whole weekend together talking and spending quality time together. Well my wife hadn't had time to unpack her bag so while she was getting ready for work I offered to help her by unpacking it. She got real defensive and rushed real quick to do it herself. Well she was acting strange so after she left I went poking around and found what she had been hiding. She still had her box of condom's from her ONS. She didn't want me to find them because she was for sure I would freak out because that is what I have done for 18 years. 

What she didn't realize is that me finding the box of condoms was a benefit to her. She told me they had used protection but I didn't know that for sure. And the fact that there was only one missing also told me that if she was telling the truth about using protection that she was also telling the truth that it only happened one time. 

She told me she didn't want to hurt me anymore but I explained to her that what hurt me is the fact that she lied to me. She thought I was going to give up trying to save my marriage if I found the condoms. But I explained to her that I am in this marriage 110% and plan on staying there. But I did also explain to her that I am working past the past PA because I was part of the problem but now that I am making the changes that I need to make to make this marriage work that if it happened again then yes it would be over. I'm not going cold on her at all. I am doing the things that I know I should have been doing all along and I am actually getting great feedback from my spouse. We are both showing care and compassion for each other.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

That's great B329! An open door policy without fear of attacks or hurt feelings will allow her to become more honest and that is the key. Quite honestly, you are in a place with her the 180 is not necessary and could actually be damaging. The last thing she needs right now is for you to pull back and shut down. ANother key point is that BOTH of you understand the reasons you did what you did. There are underlying contributors in your marriage that made both of you vulnerable and you MUST getto the root of those issues to help make the marriage a fortress against those types of temptations. Combined with honesty and a willingness to open when you do feel tempted and discuss it, will make the relationship much stronger and again almost bullet proof to those vulnerabilities. At the same time, you need to discuss those vulnerabilities and what situations allow them to get started. That means things that were typically off the table need to openly discussed. NO FBing, texting or discussing anything personal about your relationship or sexual or allowing the conversations to continue. On face to face meets, there should NEVER be one on one with someone of the opposite sex. In a crowd of people and not one on one OK. There should NEVER BE OPPOSITE SEX "FRIENDS" FOR EITHER ONE OF YOU. WHile one or both of you may think this unreasonable and restrictive, it is the best way to avoid things going too far. There should always be open communication between the two of you about any such events BEFORE they continue and even if there will be nothing happening. It allows both of you to support each other.

Keep up the good work. GET MC becuase there willbe things you both will need help with. If either one of you can't specifically statewhy these things happened, then you need IC as well.


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