# A year later and I still feel stuck



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I came here last April looking for advice when I found out about my husband's EA with a coworker. We went to marriage counseling for a few months, but stopped because it was clear he needed IC before we wasted any more time in MC. He started seeing a psychologist who referred him to a new psychiatrist because we didn't like his. The psychiatrist did a ton of tests and determined that my husband is bipolar II and severe ADHD inattentive type. He wanted to put him on lithium and we were both having trouble digesting it all, not the ADHD because we expected that, but the bipolar diagnosis and LITHIUM. I would have never guessed it. It's still hard for me to wrap my brain around, but bipolar was confirmed by a second opinion. But the second opinion suggested staying on his current antidepressant instead of lithium, while engaging in some type of hypnotherapy and another kind of newer therapy. They are still trying to find an ADHD med that works. 

So, here I am, a year later. Sometimes my husband "improves" in our relationship but it is always short lived before he reverts back to his norm of taking me for granted, being lazy, wanting maximum reward while putting forth minimum effort, not being able to have an adult disagreement because when I try to talk about his behavior he becomes a child and argues, minimizes, justifies, starts in on something else to make me feel bad for him, etc. The big saying is "I'm working on it." Or "I'm trying." But he keeps doing the same thing in different scenarios. It's just a talking point in my opinion, to keep me at bay because after all, "he's working on it."

Anyway, in the past year, I found out about the A, I had to take him to the mental hospital, he got us in a car accident that totaled our car so we had to spend money on a new one that I wasn't planning on spending, I had to have knee surgery because of the accident, then more physical therapy, to this day my knee still isn't right, he gets diagnosed as bipolar, he tells me he married me even though he didn't think we'd work out because he didn't want to be alone, he also tells me when we were engaged he went to some happy ending/prostitution place and got out to go in but changed his mind because there was someone standing outside and that made him nervous. I don't feel right about this story. I feel like I will never know the truth and I'm trying to be OK with that, but I'm constantly thinking about it. I just feel like so much has happened that I'm still trying to mentally process all of it. I'm not done processing one thing and then another is rammed down my throat.

The worst part is that I feel so stuck because I don't trust my husband with my son. So I don't think I could go through with divorce solely because I feel like the only way for me to protect my son is to stay married so I have control over him always instead of just part of the time.

I'm not sure why I posted all this. I think I just needed to get it out somewhere people know my story. Only my parents and one of my friends know what happened, and I try not to talk to them about it. Thanks for reading my vent.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

There are posters here that are bi-polar. My next oldest brother is bi-polar. He was fine with his children and they are all grown now. Mental issues are really tough on a marriage and then when you add affairs, it just adds to the stress.

There is no text book answer as you know.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I dont mean to focus on medications per say, but Abilify was incredible for my friends Bipolar.....


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I appreciate your angst and see your dilemna. 

I suggest visiting a good divorce attorney and ask if it is possible to obtain a divorce and have your husband to have supervised visits only as a result of his mental illness. 

Your mistrust of him and harm he may bring upon your son can just as easily happen if you stay together. 

But seek some professional advice.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> There are posters here that are bi-polar. My next oldest brother is bi-polar. He was fine with his children and they are all grown now. Mental issues are really tough on a marriage and then when you add affairs, it just adds to the stress.
> 
> There is no text book answer as you know.


It's not so much the bipolar diagnosis that makes me not trust him. He is very inattentive and doesn't have the patience required to deal with our son for more than a few hours at a time. Plus, his family is seriously mentally ill (mother and grandmother), his psychologist attributes most of his problems to his family. We have not had any contact with them for about 4 years now, and there is no way in hell I'd allow my son to be around them. If I divorce him, I have no control over whether or not he gets back in touch with them and allows my son around them during his time.

Just really sucks because I honestly had no idea he was really like this when I married him. He made it seem like we shared the same values, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I dont mean to focus on medications per say, but Abilify was incredible for my friends Bipolar.....


Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I appreciate your angst and see your dilemna.
> 
> I suggest visiting a good divorce attorney and ask if it is possible to obtain a divorce and have your husband to have supervised visits only as a result of his mental illness.
> 
> ...


You're right, I do need to talk to a lawyer. I guess I've been putting it off. Thank you for reminding me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would just move out with your son. Half a chance, your H may not even do anything about it and you can raise your son on your own.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

My husband has mental health issues, and without medication, he couldn't think straight - that's when his affair happened. If your husband has two diagnoses and isn't adequately medicated for either one, no wonder he's always "working on it." My husband doesn't have bipolar disorder, but I do know something about it - if not lithium, most bipolar folks do need one of the mood stabilizers; an antidepressant alone is not likely to keep him on an even keel. 

I'm guessing here, but I suspect you and your husband preferred the second opinion that said don't go on lithium, so you went with that opinion. The first opinion said to go on it, but you both didn't like that opinion so much. What if all this time, if he'd been on lithium, he might have been functioning better?

I compare it to diabetes, because I've seen diabetics whose blood sugar is low and they need to get some orange juice into them quick - they can have garbled speech and it can get scary (I've had to call the paramedics because I was with someone who was starting to be really "out of it" - it turned out OK, but it was the worst episode of a few I've witnessed). My husband's thinking was just not "right" when he tried to wean himself off his medication. Not as dramatically "off" as the really low blood sugar diabetic, but people whose brain chemistry isn't working right can't think like the rest of us. So when you make what seem like reasonable requests, they can't process them and work with them with as clear a head as you or I can.

That's NOT an excuse. I don't want to make it sound like that! But there's "noise" and "interference" and stuff going on in there that you and I can't comprehend. It does make it harder for them to "work on" things because they are "handicapped" by their mental health problems, which they themselves don't fully understand.

I would suggest reconsidering a mood stabilizer, even if it's not lithium (I think that med scared you for some reason - there are alternatives, so maybe talk to the psychiatrist about those). He might be able to "work on" all sorts of things and lead a life that's much more like "normal" if his conditions are adequately treated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your story from last year. Sorry things aren't better. I tend to be pessimistic about R anyway and you husband had a number of problems so although I hoped you would be okay, I wasn't sure that would be the case. As for lithium, it depends on the dosage as to the severity of the side effects. And, obviously, people react differently to any medication. 

You have a tough road ahead regardless of what you do. I'll keep good thoughts for you.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> My husband has mental health issues, and without medication, he couldn't think straight - that's when his affair happened. If your husband has two diagnoses and isn't adequately medicated for either one, no wonder he's always "working on it." My husband doesn't have bipolar disorder, but I do know something about it - if not lithium, most bipolar folks do need one of the mood stabilizers; an antidepressant alone is not likely to keep him on an even keel.
> 
> I'm guessing here, but I suspect you and your husband preferred the second opinion that said don't go on lithium, so you went with that opinion. The first opinion said to go on it, but you both didn't like that opinion so much. What if all this time, if he'd been on lithium, he might have been functioning better?
> 
> ...


I get what you are saying and I think that's what I'm having trouble with... What do I "blame" on mental illness and what can I make him take responsibility for... It's just a really depressing realization that this is just going to be my life. All these stupid arguments and situations on repeat. And he doesn't have to take full responsibility because he has a mental illness. I'm trying to have compassion, but it's really hard in my position.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I remember your story from last year. Sorry things aren't better. I tend to be pessimistic about R anyway and you husband had a number of problems so although I hoped you would be okay, I wasn't sure that would be the case. As for lithium, it depends on the dosage as to the severity of the side effects. And, obviously, people react differently to any medication.
> 
> You have a tough road ahead regardless of what you do. I'll keep good thoughts for you.


Thank you, I could definitely use them. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Most people aren't going to do any hard work, like he needs to be doing, while their needs are all being met. If you truly wanted to help him, you would move out and give him a REASON to do the hard work: to earn you back. And if he doesn't do the work, then you'll know for SURE he would have never done it had you stayed home and you can move on with a clean conscience.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There's a reason lithium was prescribed. I think that he should try it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

turnera said:


> Most people aren't going to do any hard work, like he needs to be doing, while their needs are all being met. If you truly wanted to help him, you would move out and give him a REASON to do the hard work: to earn you back. And if he doesn't do the work, then you'll know for SURE he would have never done it had you stayed home and you can move on with a clean conscience.


I know that would help. I hope one day soon I'm strong enough to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> There's a reason lithium was prescribed. I think that he should try it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure you're right. It can just be so dangerous. It was scary to get hit with, but we'll figure it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Any chance he can be involuntarily committed for 30-60 days to get a better diagnosis and maybe enough help for this to be handled better?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I get what you are saying and I think that's what I'm having trouble with... What do I "blame" on mental illness and what can I make him take responsibility for... It's just a really depressing realization that this is just going to be my life. All these stupid arguments and situations on repeat. And he doesn't have to take full responsibility because he has a mental illness. I'm trying to have compassion, but it's really hard in my position.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree about his not having to take full responsibility because he has a mental illness. Unless he was in a full blown psychotic episode and has absolutely no memory of what he was doing at the time, he still has free will, even if he was "messed up" and wrestling with demons he didn't understand when he was cheating on you.

It's not a matter of "blaming" it on mental illness but rather having greater compassion and trying to be understanding of what it might be like to have a mind that has a disorder (or two) making an already fallible human being even more susceptible to going down a bad path. 

Of course you don't have to try to do this. It's really hard work for us BS's to do when we're traumatized and grieving; WE'RE pretty messed up now ourselves. For many, it's a dealbreaker, it's exhausting, and it's just too much. But for me, since my husband is getting treatment, he can do the hard work, in and out of MC, and think more clearly and he's made a lot of progress - that includes being much better at helping ME to heal. So it gets easier all the time for me to be compassionate toward him.

You said he made it "seem like" you had shared values. Are you sure you still don't? People who don't have mental illness sometimes do things that are "out of character" when they are stressed or financially strapped or otherwise put in situations that put temptation in their way. Maybe HE can't stand what he's done either (I know my H is going through that). Not everyone lives up to their OWN standards all the time, and people with mental health issues, especially when they're not adequately treated, are likely to have even more struggles in that regard.

IMHO, mental disorders should be thought of more like physical disorders. They are disabling to varying degrees, and if you've never had a particular illness or disorder, you probably don't understand what it's like and how much it actually interferes with someone's daily functioning. People often struggle more than we know because it doesn't "show." They just try to live with it, and often deny it affects them - especially if it's a mental disorder, which has so much stigma attached. When I see my husband's leg bobbing up and down, I can actually "see" his anxiety. And that's even WITH medication (we don't want him overmedicated, so some stuff is going to "break through" and he works on managing it with other techniques). I hate to imagine all the things I can't see. 

I've never had a panic attack, and I hope I never do. I'm glad my husband doesn't any more (thanks to medication!). But his mental state was not good when he had his affair, and one of the reasons I'm working toward forgiveness (it's a process) is because I'm trying to be understanding of his condition. I think our values ARE pretty much the same (he's done a lot of wonderful things for me, for my parents, and for many others), despite what he did during a really bad period for him, so it's worth it to me to give him this chance and show him this kind of compassion as he works to regain my trust.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Any chance he can be involuntarily committed for 30-60 days to get a better diagnosis and maybe enough help for this to be handled better?


I'm assuming he'd have to give up his job, if so, that's a very difficult decision to make. I also don't think he meets the criteria for me to be able to involuntarily commit him now-it's been months since I took him before and he hasn't done anything similar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I'm assuming he'd have to give up his job, if so, that's a very difficult decision to make. I also don't think he meets the criteria for me to be able to involuntarily commit him now-it's been months since I took him before and he hasn't done anything similar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have never heard of hypnotherapy being suggested as a treatment for Bipolar. Just done a quick Google search and notiiced that some psychiatrists think this could be counter-productive.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I remember your original threads.

You should have stayed in the aptment and told him to f$%# off and been rid of his dumb a$$ by now.

You didn't listen then and I pray to the lord himself you wise up and start listening now.

His problems are his, you need to get real and get out of the situation ASAP, procrastinating about this that and the nuumber of spots on your a$$ is not helping you to get over this nor move forward into a better future.

Please get away from this toxic man, the car crash was most likely deliberate and everything since has been to torment you a little bit more for threatening to throw him away, he will keep pushing and pushing until you give in, oh and if it worries you for your child you can argue for supervised visitation due to his condition.

Chin up and stop living in limbo, we are petitioning to shut the gates but some folk just don't listen to us well enough to avoid getting off at that particular stop.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

My sister first husban was this also and had to take luthium. The bad part with these people is they take the medicine for a while and get "better" then think I don't need meds I am fine. Then go right back to the same crap again. They had two kids together but she left him as it was too hard to coupe with someone like this.

If you stay it will be a constant battle. You will have to be on him on taking his meds everyday.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Oh and I can write a book on all the hell he put my sister through. Waking up at 2am put a pizza in oven then go back to bed.

Out of the blue selling their frig.

Buying expensive cars they could not afford.

And on and on...


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Not all of "these people" should be lumped together. Bipolar Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia in Star Wars, as well as an author) was a mess early on life when she didn't take her meds, but she got her act together, stays on her medication, and has had several best selling books.

Just like a diabetic who decides to go off insulin, a bipolar without lithium (or another mood stabilizer) isn't going to be able to think straight, and depending on the severity of their condition, their thinking is going to be worse if their chemistry is more "off."

But "these people" have to first get ON the proper medication and see how their functioning is THEN. It's not fair to evaluate what life might be like with a person if the person is sick and not at their best - if there's a chemical imbalance, they should get that treated, THEN see if they begin to act more like a reasonable person.

But if a betrayed spouse just doesn't want to wait and see if treatment works because their patience is worn thin due to the trauma, grief, and exhaustion, that's understandable - that's a choice that any BS gets to make once the "contract" has been broken. Because the mental illness was no excuse, even though it may help explain behavior - it's still behavior that no spouse HAS to forgive. Compassion can't be forced. A second chance is a gift, and it has to be freely given - it isn't "deserved."


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Well, he is still waiting for his next appointment with his psychiatrist to discuss different medication options. Meanwhile, I asked him to leave last night. I don't know that a bipolar medication will fix his awful selfishness. I am fairly certain now that he must have been in a manic phase when we were dating and engaged, because he is so different than when I agreed to marry him. We have conversations and I often wonder, "who in the hell IS he?" Last night it was the same argument, different subject matter. It took him a month and me asking twice just for him to follow through with something simple that the doctor recommended he do. He comes home in the evening, helps with our son (I'll give him that but apparently he thinks he's owed something for fulfilling his own responsibilities), I put him to bed, he comes out and helps with dinner, we eat, and then 9 times out of 10 we watch TV. It's great because we get to relax and sit around, but if I have work I need to get done I say, "you know what, I need to get X done." He claims he is committed to change but he will watch tv every night and will not get this stuff done. It doesn't take that long. So anyway, I asked him what needed to happen for him to be motivated to finally change, did I need to just ask him to leave. 

He spun the conversation into "I feel like I can't even be myself anymore!" Because I told him I have a reasonable expectation that since he's an adult, if he has something he needs to get done, he doesn't sit and watch TV that night and instead takes care of his responsibilities. I guess "being himself" means being lazy and selfish and doing whatever he wants without being accountable to anyone else. So I asked him what I was holding him back from being like. Brace yourself for this. He says, "well, like I can't talk to you about sex stuff anymore." I said, "what are you talking about, since when can you not talk to me about sex stuff?" Him: "Well, we used to do more kinky stuff and now when I ask you to, you don't want to." I said, "oh, so you don't mean you can't TALK to me about it, you mean I won't DO exactly what you want me to do and that's holding you back from being yourself??" MIND YOU, we still have sex several times a week, he has always gotten oral, etc. What he is referring to is something I hadn't been able to do since we got in the car accident that was HIS fault and I royally screwed up my knee, had to have surgery, then physical therapy, then a steroid shot, etc. It will likely never be back to normal. And because I said that one thing wasn't comfortable for me, THAT is what he is using as an example of him "not being able to be himself." Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous and disgustingly selfish in his life? That's when I asked him to leave.

Then it comes out that he thinks because he contributes for the family it entitles him to get special treatment or to get what he wants, as if he's somehow going above and beyond just by fulfilling his own adult responsibilities.

Am I missing something about this having to do with bipolar, or does it just sound like he's a selfish SOB? Before he left he told me he would basically give up his parental rights and let me have whatever I wanted, but I feel like he was having a pity party and wanted me to feel sorry for him. So I called his bluff and just said, "OK then I'll need you to sign some paperwork." I know I need to see a lawyer (like I said before), I just have to be able to leave my son with someone because I don't want to take an impatient 2 year old to an attorney's office. I suppose there's nothing wrong with sitting on it a few days, but I'm just heartbroken. This is not who I thought I was marrying. I'm so heartbroken for my son, I feel like I'm faced with an impossible choice. Anyway, just felt like I needed to get it off my chest.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Being himself means marrying a woman so that she can replace his mother and take care of him.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

turnera said:


> Being himself means marrying a woman so that she can replace his mother and take care of him.


Yep. Exactly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I've had friends with bi-polar, and I worked with a client for many years that had it. I also suspect my wayward of having some of the traits, or at the very least, having episodes of hypomania. You don't have to lump all bi-polar people into one category, but it's clear that being bi-polar makes them far more likely to do risky and impulsive things, especially if their behavior is not being managed with medications and counseling.

Selfishness is part of the deal sometimes. If they have no self-awareness, and that's coupled with no control over their emotions, you get behavior which makes it impossible to maintain a relationship on equal footing. It's skewed heavily towards him, yet in his mind, he's the one who isn't getting what he needs... and since he's a selfish jerk, this gives him the rationale he needs to do whatever he wants to do & blame it on you.

Most of the time, the people I knew with bi-polar were good people, as they were at heart. This was almost universally true when they were on their medication, but when they stopped... whoa, look out. If you want it to work out, he needs to acknowledge his problems and work on solutions. If he doesn't seem concerned with doing that, then make him the next woman's problem. Best of luck.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I have heard that one way to describe an unmedicated bipolar brain is that they lack the ability to see the "big picture" - similar to an adolescent's brain, which isn't yet fully developed. In the bipolar, that part of the brain has switched off. They're sort of aimless, and the idea of contributing to the family or even to one's own life is not always on their radar. You can beg and plead and cajole but sometimes getting them to accomplish anything can be like pulling teeth. (Parents with teenagers know this frustration very well.)

Again, I don't believe having bipolar disorder is an acceptable excuse. Once you have a diagnosis, you have a responsibility to work on developing discipline, though without a mood stabilizer it IS very difficult for someone who's bipolar. I've heard that routine is important, too - getting to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time is actually essential for someone with bipolar disorder. It's good "sleep hygiene" for everyone, but for their sensitive brains, it's actually extremely important - their brains do not handle variation in the sleep/wake cycle well at all. 

Along these lines, I think he's not seeing the "big picture" when it comes to that "being himself" crap - that sounded like a self-centered, adolescent view of the sex situation! YOU'RE dealing with aftereffects of an injury, and the switched off part of his brain wiped that right out! I understand your anger - he was so lacking in empathy, which is crucial to your healing as a betrayed spouse, and even if you tried to be understanding of how that could be partially due to his disorder, it's not helping the cause of R. He would have to switch "back on" that part of his brain, own a lot of crap, and show a lot of empathy for what you've had to deal with in order for you to be able to have hope that he can help you heal.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Cabsy said:


> I've had friends with bi-polar, and I worked with a client for many years that had it. I also suspect my wayward of having some of the traits, or at the very least, having episodes of hypomania. You don't have to lump all bi-polar people into one category, but it's clear that being bi-polar makes them far more likely to do risky and impulsive things, especially if their behavior is not being managed with medications and counseling.
> 
> Selfishness is part of the deal sometimes. If they have no self-awareness, and that's coupled with no control over their emotions, you get behavior which makes it impossible to maintain a relationship on equal footing. It's skewed heavily towards him, yet in his mind, he's the one who isn't getting what he needs... and since he's a selfish jerk, this gives him the rationale he needs to do whatever he wants to do & blame it on you.
> 
> Most of the time, the people I knew with bi-polar were good people, as they were at heart. This was almost universally true when they were on their medication, but when they stopped... whoa, look out. If you want it to work out, he needs to acknowledge his problems and work on solutions. If he doesn't seem concerned with doing that, then make him the next woman's problem. Best of luck.


Still, it's no excuse.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

This is all so difficult. If it were me, the idea that I would now be responsible for making sure he made the appointments, went to the appointments, took his medication on top of all the other things I couldn't get him to do for himself and us, would be daunting.

I can't speak to the bi-polar problem, but my youngest son is ADHD/Inattentive and we struggled since he was 9 to find a medication he could take that kept him focused and still allowed him to sleep and eat since many of them are amphetamine based. Too low a dose, too high a dose, taking it every other day instead of every day. Then he felt socially cut-off when he took it , like he wasn't himself , antisocial. Finally when he got older I let go of it and allowed him to decide when/if to take the meds. I would get them, but it was up to him to take them. He is 21 now and makes his own Drs appts and is on an anti-anxiety med that he says he feels much better on. And he's 21.

My FWH, however, will not make or go to Dr or dental appts. I used to try to get him to go and would make appts which he would find reasons to cancel. He is responsible in many other ways which is good, because I am not his mama and I like it that way. I worry that he will end up with some condition he could have avoided but I cannot be in charge of this.

I don't know if you will ever know what part of his behavior is his bi-polar & ADHD or what he CAN control, but doesn't.
I agree with the talking to a lawyer. I would think with his history and the car crash and the current diagnosis & meds that there would be some protection for your son with supervised visits, if he pursued that at all. I am really sorry this has not gotten better for you. Keep talking here. I remember when it was the only place I could talk about my FWH and it really helped.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My mother is mentally ill and has been as long as I can remember. My mother is extremely intelligent and has a few degrees. BUT, she also thought she was going to marry Ted Kennedy, she told us Bob Barker from "The Price is Right" inviter her to live with him.......I mean she was COMPLETLY bonkers but she was smart and very manipulative when she wanted to be, which was basically ALWAYS. 

My mother was very mentally abusive and extremely selfish. After my parents divorced (another horrible story), she would leave for days at a time, sleep with various and sometimes married men. She always felt COMPLETLY justified and entitled. The world owed her everything. 

Now, any mentally ill person that needs medication can't be forced to take that medication unless they have been commited or are raping babies or something extremely violent. 

My mother never took any medication for her illness because she said she didn't need it. We (her family) were the crazy ones. It's very hard to get mentally ill people, including bi-polar individuals to take their medication regularly. 

When I first got married, I was concerned about having children in fear of passing along the "crazy mom gene". I went to two doctors and two therapist who dealt with mental illnesses as sever as my mothers'. 

The doctors told me, basically, I had about a 3 percent chance of passing along the "gene" and as high as 17% depending on my husband. 

Both therapist told me if I wanted a normal life for myself and future generations of myself, I should sever all ties with my mother and cut her out of my life. I can remember both their exact words. 

"Save yourself" 

Now, not all people should run from the mentally ill, but if they are not complying with medication and are manipulative and abusive it is the best course of action. 

It's a case by case decision. Your story reads as if you have every right to "save yourself" and your child if necessary.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Still, it's no excuse.


Oh, I never meant to imply that it was. Cheating is a choice regardless of the excuse. I just don't see why she's trying if he's not doing anything to help himself, such as taking medication and getting therapy. Even then, as others have said, he sounds uncaring, undisciplined, and ill-suited for someone like the distraught. She seems to want a partner who loves her, understands her, doesn't act like a child, and doesn't cheat on her. A guy with bi-polar could do this, but probably not her guy.

I'm just past the 1 year mark as well, and I've seen a few other posters mention it being hard for them. I think a lot of reconciliations must end around this time, as the partners on the losing side of the equation take stock of where they are a year later. We all understand anniversaries - good and bad.

I feel my partner is trying, though by nature, she might have been more inclined to go the route of your husband, as they share some traits. Instead she's gone to IC, she's taking medication (which has helped), she's read 3 books and is reading another, and she goes over the top to show me she loves me. Because of how I feel, I can only accept a small amount of the love she shows me. And I'm still not sure reconciliation is working out for me...

You seem to be on the other end of things. It sounds like you're no better better off for having stayed, and it seems neither his heart or head are in the game with you. He's looking out for him and you're looking out for him... so as the betrayed spouse, who is looking out for you?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I know what it is like to feel stuck. Sometimes you feel the devil you know is better than the one you don't know. 

But once you dislodge the stone, so to speak, you find there's a clear path ahead of you. Suddenly you wonder why you wasted so much time in your life on such a life-draining period of time. 

I remember your story as well, and was hoping you'd found your way through this. But being stuck is something that happens... you think that a little more time, a little more effort, a different doctor or drug or situation will arise that will put you on the path you always thought you would be on. 

I pray you gain the strength of will to change this path you've found yourself on.


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