# Trust and Understanding



## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

My girlfriend has major trust issues with me. We've been dating for about 2 1/2 years and are 15 years apart in age. Things started out wonderful between us - lots of attraction and chemistry, we loved each other and enjoyed our time together. Prior to meeting her I gave up all attachments with previous romantic partners. I was a free man and single I was looking for a woman to spend the rest of my life committed and in love. I had already mentally and emotionally given up the bachelor lifestyle I was looking for a true love with a committed partner. The only women in my life were my female coworkers with whom I shared communications regarding work on a daily basis and one or two former girlfriends who were now simply an acquaintance on Facebook. I also have an ex-wife for five yrs, was married for 12. We split amicably and remained friends and used to talk about 3 or 4 times a year.

My girlfriend has been extremely upset with me regarding my communications with these females in my life even though the communication is not in any way on an emotional level. Once I realized it was pointless to try and discuss the issue any further I began to hide communication from her by saying "no" if she asked if i had talked to anyone. i did this because i simply could not make her understand there were no inappropriate conversations going on. i have since realized this was the wrong approach and have confessed. however she now considers me a "total liar" along with being a "teenaged flirting machine with a harem of women." 

I felt she thinks that any and all communication with a woman is either flirting, inappropriate, or will turn into flirting very quickly and i could not convince her otherwise, so I hid my communication w these people. 

At this point I have stopped all pro-active communication with women, meaning I do not initiate any communication with a woman unless its a co-worker and the content is regarding work. However my girlfriend still remains infuriated at me. She checks my phone when I'm not in the room and asks me questions like "who did I talk to today" and says things like "why don't you go home so you can talk with all your friends." I am on probation with this woman apparently for life. 

In an attempt to restore trust we recently made an agreement that when any non co-worker female contacts me, like my xwife, I will let her know about it prior to responding. And would accept her discretion as to whether or not to respond. I have made my phone available for her to view or ask me of anything even mundane co-worker talk. i also gave her my fb password to hopefully provide more transparency. 

However, just today my x sent me an email to inquire if I would let her know of any job opening as a drug rep as that is my current, and her previous, line of work. I told my gf about this as soon as I saw the email and she is again irate w me. 

I'm really at my wits end here. This is exactly the type of conversation I used to feel the need to hide from my gf. Because even though it is obviously in no way inappropriate it is still a great frustration to her. But when I do revel when someone contacts me I'm still in the wrong according to her. 

What can I do to restore trust and love in this relationship.....?
Thanks for any advice.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Give her the passwords to your cell, email. any device she wants, keep everything out in the open, and if she thinks somethings up, she can check it herself. Give it some time, she'll eventually stop checking and build the trust. But you get all her info as well, so she knows how it feels to be checked on for no reason. Its a trade. She's obviously a little immature still eh?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

trailwalker said:


> My girlfriend has major trust issues with me. We've been dating for about 2 1/2 years and are 15 years apart in age. Things started out wonderful between us - lots of attraction and chemistry, we loved each other and enjoyed our time together. Prior to meeting her I gave up all attachments with previous romantic partners. I was a free man and single I was looking for a woman to spend the rest of my life committed and in love. I had already mentally and emotionally given up the bachelor lifestyle I was looking for a true love with a committed partner. The only women in my life were my female coworkers with whom I shared communications regarding work on a daily basis and one or two former girlfriends who were now simply an acquaintance on Facebook. I also have an ex-wife for five yrs, was married for 12. We split amicably and remained friends and used to talk about 3 or 4 times a year.
> 
> My girlfriend has been extremely upset with me regarding my communications with these females in my life even though the communication is not in any way on an emotional level. Once I realized it was pointless to try and discuss the issue any further I began to hide communication from her by saying "no" if she asked if i had talked to anyone. i did this because i simply could not make her understand there were no inappropriate conversations going on. i have since realized this was the wrong approach and have confessed. however she now considers me a "total liar" along with being a "teenaged flirting machine with a harem of women."
> 
> ...


Personally, I'd tell her that her expectation that you'll cut off half the world just for her benefit is unreasonable and I'd let her know it's HER problem to deal with her insecurities.

I'd tell her gently but firmly that unless she has a lot more evidence of wrongdoing than "you talked to her," you will no longer entertain her thoughts on it. If you're going to meet them for lunch without inviting her, for instance, that's crossing a line, or if you call them by pet names or tell them you miss them, etc. But you won't tolerate blame and guilt for simply having an innocent conversation that does not betray your partner.


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## trailwalker (Apr 24, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Personally, I'd tell her that her expectation that you'll cut off half the world just for her benefit is unreasonable and I'd let her know it's HER problem to deal with her insecurities.
> 
> I'd tell her gently but firmly that unless she has a lot more evidence of wrongdoing than "you talked to her," you will no longer entertain her thoughts on it. If you're going to meet them for lunch without inviting her, for instance, that's crossing a line, or if you call them by pet names or tell them you miss them, etc. But you won't tolerate blame and guilt for simply having an innocent conversation that does not betray your partner.


Thank you for the reply. I have tried all of your suggestions to no avail. Once she gets something in her mind no matter how incorrect it is, she will not let go.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You are not married. Let her go.... let her torture some other poor guy this way. Or maybe she'll grow up since a grown man did not put up with her immature crap. 

Either way, why put up with it when it is a gf? DATING is to find out if "this is going to work". Well, in this case it is not!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Agree with SunnyT,
Let her go, she will only get worse because it's not you, it's her insecurities and the need to control.
She is already controlling you in a rediculous manner, next comes the you can't watch TV, or even Internet if any decent female appears in it. No I'm not exaggerating that's the next level.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

trailwalker said:


> Thank you for the reply. I have tried all of your suggestions to no avail. Once she gets something in her mind no matter how incorrect it is, she will not let go.


Then you aren't backing up your words with your behaviors!

Here's the thing... It doesn't matter WHAT she thinks, it's her problem to deal with. If you simply turn your back and walk away when she raises that particular topic, or you say, "I no longer discuss this," what *can* she do but deal with it herself?


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

There you go, dear . You have the answer. Let go of this pitiful woman.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

No trust = unhealthy, toxic relationship.

This is what you have.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

star2916 said:


> There you go, dear . You have the answer. Let go of this pitiful woman.


Star....grow up.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ugh... my wife was that way. 

How I deal with it now. I live by my rules. If I think it is ok, it is ok. If I question myself, it might not be ok. Case closed on whether or not I’m being “bad”.

Now she can have her own opinions. That is fine and I encourage her to feel free to call me out when I’m not seeing how this might be wrong. Thing is, be careful and mindful of how she approaches. Carrot and stick. There are pleasant, thoughtful, and reasonable ways for her to express her opinions and *ask* if I could help her. A big one for me is her admitting this is her issue and she needs my help. She needs to understand I have a choice.

A ‘attacking approach’ to get me to cave into demands is a very unpleasant experience for her if it has no validity. It is a boundary I have now. I don’t bother to reason or defend anymore (it doesn’t work does it?)... I accept her terms that she wishes this to be a fight and join the fray swinging. It isn’t pleasant and she sure doesn’t get what she wants. She does however remember. 

Several fights later, she’ll start modifying her approach and ‘ask’ for my help. At which point it becomes a pleasant and more palatable way for her to bring up issues.

Quite frankly a mistake of my past was ‘playing nice and trying to pacify’ when she attacked. So she just learned from me that this was a very effective way to get what she wants. In my head “it wasn’t worth the fight” so I always caved or tried to negotiate. As I look back, I did a ton of stuff I didn’t agree with just for her. It was never apprechiated or acknowledged because quite simply; She expected it. 

Rip out her ‘expectations’ and replace it with ‘you choose freely when you have no other reason than your respect for her to do this thing she wants’.... That needs to be clear. It helps you feel you are giving toward the relationship without resentment or feeling controlled. It helps her feel appreciated and respected by you. 

And if she can’t change.... you need to consider finding someone who better understands how to find happiness within a relationship.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

There are two sides to every story. In this case she also has posted...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/78090-totally-confused.html

Maybe she's not the crazy jealous unbalanced person he has painted her to be.


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

Thank you, Aunt Ava


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## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

Racer :that sounds like a very "macho" approach to me and you know what? .... some women may appear to apply to it, but we will have something "cooking" outside your knowledge, that is for sure ....


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## maynsx (May 21, 2013)

You have the answer. Let go of this pitiful woman.


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