# Help! I've been cheated on!



## EKDAD (Jun 12, 2014)

I am new to this site, but I am need of advice/support.

Nearly 1 month ago I learned my wife had been having an affair with her coworker. I had suspicions so one morning before work I checked her phone and found some "I miss you, wish you were here" type texts. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. She said it was over and she had already chosen to end it and move with me to our new home in a different town. I told her I forgive her and we will move on. She says she doesn't know if she loves me or not anymore but wishes to try to find love again save our marriage and keep our family together (we have 3 kids). It has been a rough month. I find less and less "triggers" that remind me of the affair and we are more or less happy most days. Sex life has improved, but is still not as frequent as I would like. She said she would not talk to him again but last week I found out he had texted her and they texted back and forth for a couple days. She vows it was friend type talk, "how are you doing? hows the new job?" type stuff but I know she had feelings for him and she has told me it is hard not talking to him when they had spent so much time together at work. I am really struggling to try to trust her again. I constantly find myself checking her phone, email, call logs, anything I can think of. I have also had her delete all pictures and everything to do with him from her facebook and computer. I feel so terrible constantly checking in on her and she is very annoyed that I do it. She acts like it never happened and I don't know if she is just way better at moving on or what? I guess what I would like advice on is how to know if she really is committed to saving this marriage and how I can go about putting this behind me without needing to constantly check up on her? Thank you in advance for ANY thoughts, input or advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but it sounds like she's sweeping things under the rug, and you're letting her. 

Have you guys done any counseling to try to get things out? Do you feel like you know WHY she cheated? And the real reasons, not the standard "I don't know, it just happened". Have you done anything to fix the problems that were in your marriage?

My thoughts... She isn't afraid of you leaving her or being affected by her continued behavior. Therefore, she has no reason to stop. The first thing she should have done when he contacted her was tell you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I went through a fake reconciliation. Do not fall for this. Everything needs to be transparent on her end. Demand that it is. She should be doing everything to make you her priority. If not then she probably hasn't let go of the affair.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

First, she needs to go 100% no contact with the guy.

How far is your new town? does that also mean she quit her old job?

sounds like she's not remorseful at all, and you let her off the hook way too fast. She's just taken it underground I bet.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You will not be able to fully reconcile your marriage until she ends any and all contact w/ the guy. This means that she will need to find a new job.

You'd also be perfectly justified in demanding that she change her cell phone number, e-mail addresses, unfriend and block him on Facebook and any other social media. This should also include, at the very least, locking down any social media profiles and possibly dropping any mutual friends as well.

If she's rugsweeping and acting like nothing ever happened then she's likely still in the affair and has taken it underground.

How old are the two of you? 

How long have you been married? 

What do each of you do for work? 

How old are your children?

Did she give you any details about the affair, especially w/ respect to how long it went on?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ya, you rug swept the affair, and you were too quick to forgive. You don't even know the true extent of the affair. 

She's lied to you, cheated on you, and continues to maintain a relationship with the OM. This will NEVER work like that.

There can't be 3 people in your marriage. OM needs to be gone for good, and your wife needs to be transparent. She should be doing the heavy lifting.

She also gave you the ILYBINILWY speech...this is all script.

Learn about NC, and make sure you implement it.
NC letter.
Did you contact the guys wife? Blow up the affair yet?

VAR's will help uncover more hidden truths...

I'm sorry you're here, but this is only just begun....


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

since she is still in contact with him, it means that she has not ended it. 
she said it is hard for her to stop and that is a good sign that she admitted that to you. 

Now you need to let her know that you will end your marriage if she has continued contact with him.. She probably will find a way to be in contact with him somehow without you knowing with a secret phone or secret text ap. She will continue to do this until you give her a reason to put all her thoughts into keeping you in her life instead of putting all of her thoughts in to how to keep him in her life.

The way to do this is to hire an attorney and file papers for divorce. Put them on the table and tell her you will file them the next time you find any evidence of him still being in contact with her. You can also fill them out yourself online if you don't have the budget for an attorney.

The next thing you should tell her is that you are interested in meeting somebody new as well because you want the same kind of contact high she is getting form her affair for yourself, that you can see how happy it makes her to have an extracurricular relationship and you want to have the same experience. Tell her the idea of that for yourself is something you can't stop thinking about.

As soon as she starts thinking more about you than him, you will be on your way to fixing your marriage. Until then, the affair will not completely end. SO give her something to think about!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It seems that she loves him and not you and is settling for you by default due to the kids. 

The problem, of course, is that she still wants 'him' and if he is ever truly out of the picture, who will be next as she clearly isn't working all that hard on improving the relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sorry, you're doing it wrong. Very very wrong.

1) STOP trying to win her approval. Stop it right now. It should be the other way around. SHE cheated, not you!!!
2) Do not believe a word that comes out of her mouth
3) Get tested for STD's
4) Get a keylogger for her computer and her phone and monitor everything she texts and emails.
5) Read this link

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Like the others, I feel she is minimizing all this, is not truly remorseful or committed to you. Just unhappy her affair got found out. Also agree you see to be too quick to let bygones be bygones.

She has committed adultery, and broken her vows, totally trashed and dishonored your marriage. Yet you are the one who feels guilty for investigation what she is up to? That's nuts.

Who's the one breaking the rules here?

Maybe underneath you are too afraid of losing it all. Moving, new home, new town, 3 kids and now this? Sure its scary. No one would want to break up all that, but she's gone all out trying eh? She's risked a lot, and doesn't seem to care.

Unless you want to have a hollow marriage where she calls the shots for the rest of your life, you better get her to accept some responsibility. Does she have any interest in saving the marriage. Really?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tulsy said:


> Ya, you rug swept the affair, and you were too quick to forgive. You don't even know the true extent of the affair.


Agreed



tulsy said:


> She's lied to you, cheated on you, and continues to maintain a relationship with the OM. This will NEVER work like that.
> 
> There can't be 3 people in your marriage. OM needs to be gone for good, and your wife needs to be transparent. She should be doing the heavy lifting.


Two for two!



tulsy said:


> She also gave you the ILYBINILWY speech...this is all script.
> 
> Learn about NC, and make sure you implement it.
> NC letter.


Yep, yep, and yep.



tulsy said:


> Did you contact the guys wife? Blow up the affair yet?


If not, you should definitely do this.



tulsy said:


> VAR's will help uncover more hidden truths...


EKDAD, VAR = Voice Activated Recorder. You can't go wrong w/ the Sony ICDPX-333. Best Buy sells them for around 50 bucks. Buy two of them -- one for her vehicle and the other for wherever in the house she talks on the phone. Hide them well, and pair them lithium AAA batteries for max battery life.

Use heavy-duty Velcro to hold them in place. For the one in her vehicle, place it underneath the driver's seat, and secure it well.

Weightlifter will likely be along soon w/ further instructions.



tulsy said:


> I'm sorry you're here, but this is only just begun....


Truer words were never spoken. Stay strong!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please god, let this one actually listen.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Weightlifter will likely be along soon w/ further instructions.


We need to start a mass rally chant...

WEIGHT-LIFTER!

WEIGHT-LIFTER!

WEIGHT-LIFTER!

WEIGHT-LIFTER!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Instaforgiving + rugsweeping = recipe for disaster when it comes to reconciliation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Please god, let this one actually listen.


I know, right...


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## EKDAD (Jun 12, 2014)

I could have said a lot more but didn't want a novel to get to my question. We are mid 20's, kids are between 1, 3, and 5. she had an off and on affair with her coworker for 5 months, and before i found out he told her they should stop because she was more interested in saving our marriage more than staying with him. she was already quitting that job when i found out and she works elsewhere in our new town about 45 min from the old one. she says she has feelings for me still, but he gave her something i didn't, time to listen. i was terrible at communicating and listening to her and they worked close and nights and talked the whole time. several months before i found out, we were having troubles and i began to change. helped out more around the house and with the kids and actually tried to talk and listen. that effort was noticed and i believe that is the reason she chose to stay with me. they have not continued to see each other and haven't since i found out. they texted briefly for a couple days after silence for nearly a month. she said its hard for her because she had a connection with him that she lost with me. i am trying to prove to her that i can listen and she can talk to me and that change in me is what she struggles to get over. she has her doubts that i can change and be her emotional support. before i found out about the cheating we were talking about a seperation. she only just started working again as she has been a stay at home mom forever. she felt that she had to rely on me for money and she didnt like that. she wanted to feel like she can do anything on her own and doesnt need a man to provide for her. she wants me in her life but does not want to feel like she needs me to provide for her. she is focusing on her new (way better) job and the great direction our relationship is heading. her cold quiet "sweeping under the rug" could be hiding a continued communication, but also could be her way of dropping the past and not wanting to hear anything about it. she doesn't love me the way she used to so she doesn't show as much remorse for what she did. she breaks down time to time and tells me she is an awful evil person and doesnt know why i want to stay but the fact that i do makes her happy. i didn't get tested but she has ovarian cysts and she did and she is clean, ive seen the lab report


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Dude, please go back and read page one


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

WONT WRITE NOTHING..... the risk of being banned again is strong


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You need to stick a voice activated recorder in her car asap.
Is the pos she was with married you need to let his w/gf know asap.
She needs to write a timeline.
You both need to be tested for STDs.
She has to be totally transparent with all everything.
She doesn't want a man supporting her then good tell her to waive spousal support in the event of a divorce.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She's rewriting your marital history to justify her affair.

See how she makes it your fault?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

michzz said:


> She's rewriting your marital history to justify her affair.
> 
> See how she makes it your fault?


:iagree:
She's gaslighting so she doesn't think about the guilt.
Get the book MMSLP= Married Mans Sex Life Primer ASAP!!!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. I am glad your wife is showing some remorse but she is not really working hard on the R and you have allowed this to be swept under the rug

I am sure you have some real issues with triggers and mind movies. trust is something that has to be rebuilt not repaired their is a big difference.

Your wife ended your marriage when she f'd another man. So if you are going to R, it is build a new marriage.

Was this other POS married? Did you expose the A?

If real R is going on the sex life should be in overdrive. She needs to make you know she wants you.

The fact that she text him back and forth even as a buddy does not work, It was her special relationship still with someone that has banged her.

Not allowed. She needs to write a No Contact Letter and give it to you to send. Let her know that future contact is a deal breaker and you will rain down D hell on her. You need to be an Alpha here 
You both need MC and I would suggest you need IC


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Hey, maybe you were a poor listener, bad communicator, and everything she says. 

She skipped over the responsible way to handle this, by seeking counseling, talking, or even divorce. 

She took the cheap, easy, selfish way. Find another man. That's low. This woman is a mother, 3 kids. What about family? Means nothing to her.

She had all kinds of options, but unilaterally decided for both of you. She did what she wanted, and didn't care about you, or your family.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey EKDAD----there is not one thing she says THAT IS JUSTIFICATION FOR HER GIVING HERSELF TO ANOTHER MAN

You want to R---whether you like it or not, and seeing how bad she wants to stay in the mge---there are things you MUST DO------or if she decides she wants another man, she will have another A--

-cuz she will remember that you were pretty easy on her this time-----she must have ACCOUNTABILITY/BOUNDARIES/FEEL SOME SUFFERING, or PENANCE---WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT---as I said, if you slide this A by---she will cheat again

She needs to be given a phone FOR NOW---that is a call only phone---nothing that she can text on, or do pix---all her calls need to be monitored-------she needs to do whatever is needed to assuage your pain----she gets no say in any major decisions about lifestyle for now----she should be kicked out of the marital bedroom for awhile------she needs to put herself in IC

No matter what she told you---twas all lies---SHE WANTED THAT GUY, AND SHE TOOK HIM---She knew she had a H/Kids---AND IT DID NOT MATTER---SHE WANTED HER A.----AS FAR AS HER MOANING ABOUT PASSION, AND HOW IT WAS GONE FROM THE MGE---OF COURSE IT WAS---she had transferred it to her lover

She needs to sign a POST--NUP----she needs to know, that her pre-A cushy lifestyle is gone for the present

There are other things that need to be done--others here will give you more insight---but KNOW THIS---If you are not VERY TUFF ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, AND ITS RECOURSE----if you shine it on----SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN---KNOWING THAT SHE CAN---for she will have it firmly locked into her mind----HOW YOU HANDLED THE AFTERMATH OF THIS A.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EKDAD said:


> I could have said a lot more but didn't want a novel to get to my question. We are mid 20's, kids are between 1, 3, and 5. she had an off and on affair with her coworker for 5 months, and before i found out he told her they should stop because she was more interested in saving our marriage more than staying with him.


OK, two things here...

First, he broke up w/ her? That doesn't bode well for you, as that left things unresolved w/ OM from her perspective.

Second, she could be lying about the timeline of the affair, and here's what I'm driving at... Get a DNA test for (at least) your youngest kid. Don't tell her that you're thinking about it, don't tell her that you're doing it, just do it.



EKDAD said:


> she was already quitting that job when i found out and she works elsewhere in our new town about 45 min from the old one. she says she has feelings for me still, but he gave her something i didn't, time to listen. i was terrible at communicating and listening to her and they worked close and nights and talked the whole time.


OK, so she's already quit that job and doesn't work w/ him anymore. That's a good thing.

As for him listening to her and all that, what a load of sh*t. I'm not saying that isn't what happened, but OM didn't have to deal w/ her kids, house, or any of that jazz. Plus they were working together and working late side by side-by-side all the time? Again, not at all any sort of fair comparison. If she wanted you to listen to her, she should have been talking to you and not to him.



EKDAD said:


> several months before i found out, we were having troubles and i began to change. helped out more around the house and with the kids and actually tried to talk and listen. that effort was noticed and i believe that is the reason she chose to stay with me. they have not continued to see each other and haven't since i found out. they texted briefly for a couple days after silence for nearly a month. she said its hard for her because she had a connection with him that she lost with me. i am trying to prove to her that i can listen and she can talk to me and that change in me is what she struggles to get over. she has her doubts that i can change and be her emotional support. before i found out about the cheating we were talking about a seperation.


Ask her which would be harder -- cutting off contact w/ OM or losing her family? Also ask her which of the two of you has it harder... her for giving him up completely or you for knowing that another man was inside your wife.

And OK, you could have been a better husband. But at this point, it should be her proving things to you and not the other way around.



EKDAD said:


> she only just started working again as she has been a stay at home mom forever. she felt that she had to rely on me for money and she didnt like that. she wanted to feel like she can do anything on her own and doesnt need a man to provide for her. she wants me in her life but does not want to feel like she needs me to provide for her. she is focusing on her new (way better) job and the great direction our relationship is heading. her cold quiet "sweeping under the rug" could be hiding a continued communication, but also could be her way of dropping the past and not wanting to hear anything about it. she doesn't love me the way she used to so she doesn't show as much remorse for what she did. she breaks down time to time and tells me she is an awful evil person and doesnt know why i want to stay but the fact that i do makes her happy. i didn't get tested but she has ovarian cysts and she did and she is clean, ive seen the lab report


I can admire her sense of independence, but I'd also have to question the real motivation behind everything.

What has she offered to do for in return for staying in the marriage?

Is she answering any and all questions that you have? Do you feel that you have a complete timeline w/ regard to her affair?

Have the two of you discussed (or has she offered) a post-nuptial agreement or polygraph?

Did they use condoms? (I'm guessing not.)

Is OM married/have a girlfriend? If so, have you exposed the affair to her?

Has she unfriended AND blocked him on Facebook and other social media?

Do you have passwords to phones, tablets, computers, social media and e-mail accounts (it would seem so from your initial post)?

Also, are the pair of you attending marriage counseling? And have either of you been individual counseling?


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

EKDAD,

I am sorry for your situation. Please read up on several other poster's threads. You will note the really long ones are for the people who decide to do things the way that I anticipate that you are going to go. Rug sweep, accept her version of events, forgiveness because you love her so much and so on. That always goes bad.

If you allow the excuse that you were not a good listener to justify her affair, then your marriage will fail. That's like you saying she never cooked or cleaned so you had an affair. If she has not owned this 100%, then you are already on target for heartache.

You think that she is different, that your love is different, that your situation is different, but I hate to tell you this...she is not different, your love is not, your situation is not. 

As you start this process, please, please, please, read the experiences of others, learn and apply to your life. If you don't I guarantee you this, she will continue to cheat (resume cheating) with this guy, you will be miserable, she will leave your for this guy, you will be miserable, she may return from this guy, you will be miserable and repeat. That is a guarantee. I have seen it so often that I am amazed. good luck to you.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

EKDAD said:


> I could have said a lot more but didn't want a novel to get to my question. We are mid 20's, kids are between 1, 3, and 5. she had an off and on affair with her coworker for 5 months, and before i found out he told her they should stop because she was more interested in saving our marriage more than staying with him. she was already quitting that job when i found out and she works elsewhere in our new town about 45 min from the old one. she says she has feelings for me still, but he gave her something i didn't, time to listen. i was terrible at communicating and listening to her and they worked close and nights and talked the whole time. several months before i found out, we were having troubles and i began to change. helped out more around the house and with the kids and actually tried to talk and listen. that effort was noticed and i believe that is the reason she chose to stay with me. they have not continued to see each other and haven't since i found out. they texted briefly for a couple days after silence for nearly a month. she said its hard for her because she had a connection with him that she lost with me. i am trying to prove to her that i can listen and she can talk to me and that change in me is what she struggles to get over. she has her doubts that i can change and be her emotional support. before i found out about the cheating we were talking about a seperation. she only just started working again as she has been a stay at home mom forever. she felt that she had to rely on me for money and she didnt like that. she wanted to feel like she can do anything on her own and doesnt need a man to provide for her. she wants me in her life but does not want to feel like she needs me to provide for her. she is focusing on her new (way better) job and the great direction our relationship is heading. her cold quiet "sweeping under the rug" could be hiding a continued communication, but also could be her way of dropping the past and not wanting to hear anything about it. she doesn't love me the way she used to so she doesn't show as much remorse for what she did. she breaks down time to time and tells me she is an awful evil person and doesnt know why i want to stay but the fact that i do makes her happy. i didn't get tested but she has ovarian cysts and she did and she is clean, ive seen the lab report




There is nothing wrong with you being nice to her and meeting her needs so she has a reason to stay and work on the marriage. However, you will most likely find out at some point in the very near future, especially if you use a voice activated recorder in her car, that she is still in contact with him.

So the best scenario is that you remain very nice and attracted to her so she starts relying on that attention from you. A soon as you have real proof that she is still in contact with him, you then turn into the opposite, you file for divorce, separate, the whole deal. Especially talk about being attracted to other women and if possible go on a real date.

She will be so shocked she will throw OM under the bus. 

Remember though, none of this will work to your advantage unless you actually follow through with your threats of filing, dating etc.

There is no getting around it, it will not be comfortable, it will be painful, people will find out, but it will work.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I have went through a 5 yr false R after my ex had an affair with a coworker. I left him when he was starting to go down the affair path again.

#1 rule - you CANNOT have a successful R while there is still contact with the affair partner...especially a workplace AP.

Trust me on this, I lived it. A lot of people posting on your thread have lived it as well.

Please listen to the advice given as its life experience...not just people talking out their butt.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

The beta is strong with this one..


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think we all understand you're trying to save your marriage and recognize that you weren't the perfect spouse. Guess what... none of us are!

You didn't pay enough attention to your wife, didn't help much around the house, didn't communicate much with her.

She almost broke up your family! Who acted worse?

BTW, if she was seeking attention and communication how did that translate into games of hide the salami? She fell for a smooth talker - he got his fill of her vag and dropped her with some bullsh1t story of caring for your family .... riiiight. 

Blow up his world for 3 reasons:
1. His wife needs to know the type of snake in her home
2. He'll be less inclined to contact your wife
3. He deserves it

It sounds like you feel lucky to have her back - even if she's reluctant to fully commit. Brother - you've got more trouble ahead if you don't get a handle on your marriage and soon.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> The beta is strong with this one..


People mention "alpha" and "beta" all the time, and I think that, in doing so, they're forgetting a few things.

Namely, "gamma", "delta", "lambda", "omega", etc.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Did OP ever mention what he does for a living?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

vi_bride04 said:


> I have went through a 5 yr false R after my ex had an affair with a coworker. I left him when he was starting to go down the affair path again.
> 
> *#1 rule - you CANNOT have a successful R while there is still contact with the affair partner...especially a workplace AP.*
> 
> ...


This! :iagree::iagree:


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BobSimmons said:


> The beta is strong with this one..


His training has yet to begin. In time, he will know the evil within the Dark Side. 

Sad...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Someone copy paste my instruction set... Or I'll be on tomorrow morning to paste it. At work on a tablet ATM...

OP, once you have the standard post, it has an exact plan...

Just do it. It has been the undoing of dozens of affairs...


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

EKDAD said:


> Nearly 1 month ago I learned my wife had been having an affair with her coworker. I had suspicions so one morning before work I checked her phone and found some "I miss you, wish you were here" type texts. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. She said it was over and she had already chosen to end it and move with me to our new home in a different town. I told her I forgive her and we will move on. She says she doesn't know if she loves me or not anymore but wishes to try to find love again save our marriage and keep our family together (we have 3 kids). It has been a rough month. I find less and less "triggers" that remind me of the affair and we are more or less happy most days. Sex life has improved, but is still not as frequent as I would like. She said she would not talk to him again but last week I found out he had texted her and they texted back and forth for a couple days. She vows it was friend type talk, "how are you doing? hows the new job?" type stuff but I know she had feelings for him and she has told me it is hard not talking to him when they had spent so much time together at work. I am really struggling to try to trust her again. I constantly find myself checking her phone, email, call logs, anything I can think of. I have also had her delete all pictures and everything to do with him from her facebook and computer. I feel so terrible constantly checking in on her and she is very annoyed that I do it. She acts like it never happened and I don't know if she is just way better at moving on or what? I guess what I would like advice on is how to know if she really is committed to saving this marriage and *how I can go about putting this behind me without needing to constantly check up on her?* Thank you in advance for ANY thoughts, input or advice.


When she behaves in such a way that makes you feel secure, that she loves you and only you, is completely committed to you, then you won't feel the need to check up on her.

The way she is behaving now, like she's not sure she wants you, is what is making you feel like something is going on.

If you hurt someone by betraying them, wouldn't you be trying to make them feel better, volunteer to show them your phone, let them know where you are going to be, basically try to alleviate their pain and fear? But that is not what she is doing. She is "annoyed."

You are in a bad spot. She is not afraid of losing you. If you give her the cold shoulder, if you tell her to take a hike, she will. At the same time, by being Mr. Nice Guy and catering to her needs, changing your behavior to try and please her, she is losing respect for you. She can't believe any self-respecting person would put up with the attitude and treatment she is giving you after SHE was the one who betrayed you. She is thinking, WTF, I cheated on this guy and he is acting like he is the one who hurt me, he is the one trying to "make it up" to me.

It's almost like you can't win either way.

Here is what I suggest: Pursue her sexually, make sure you try to initiate at least once a day, let her know hot she is every day and night, show her you are sexually attracted to her. Also turn up the romance, tell her you love her and want to be with her, tell her what you like about her, talk about the old her you fell in love with and play up how much you liked those qualities, say it like she still is exhibiting those qualities. At the same time, let her know that as much as you love her, you don't want her to stay if she wants to be somewhere else. Don't say this too much, but make it clear to her anytime she gets "annoyed" that, yeah, I love you and want to be with you and you're so hot, but no, I am not willing to sacrifice my self-respect and put up with your crap.

As far as monitoring goes, if you can't do it without her knowing, then stop doing it. It makes you look insecure and weak. If she was remorseful and begging to stay, you could demand her phone anytime you wanted and it might even make you look decisive and strong. But as it is, with her wondering whether to walk out, with her wondering what is worse, the cold distant guy I had before or this new guy with no self-respect, you should quit asking her to see her phone.

Voice-activated recorders might work without her knowing about it, put one in her car, you will find out all you need to know. Your current monitoring methods stink anyway, she knows what you are looking for and won't use those means to communicate with loverboy.

My very strong feeling is that she still is communicating with loverboy, and not just "friend" conversations. Voice-activated recorder will pick that up. Spyware on phone, if you can pull it off without her knowing, also would work, but you have to be careful but I think it's hard to get spyware on the phone without her knowing unless she is not tech savvy and you are.

Women are built different than men in some respects, most I've known want a strong man and having a man they respect is very important to them. Someone who is confident. Someone who wouldn't put up with the type of stuff she is giving you. They want to feel desired and sought after, but they don't want a clingy houseboy. Maybe your wife is different, I have known a few who were, but if your wife is like most I've known, you're doing it wrong.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Training 1. Go to best buy. Purchase two sony icdpx333 voice activated recorders.
Then go to walmart and buy heavy duty Velcro. It's usually in crafts or fabrics, sometimes by the fasteners.
Then await further instructions.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You can not put this behind you yet. Not for a long long time.

You must check up on her constantly from now on.

She is not to be trusted. Not for a long long time.

The marriage you had is dead.

Maybe, just maybe if she moves heaven and earth to win you back you might build a new one.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

How to put it behind you.
1. Get angry already. I see a whipped puppy not a snarling Doberman.
2. Go 007 on her so you know when she is cheating.

Or. Just. Divorce her.

Read the story of poster bff or whyeme. Tragic starts. EPIC endings.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

EKDAD said:


> I could have said a lot more but didn't want a novel to get to my question. We are mid 20's, kids are between 1, 3, and 5. she had an off and on affair with her coworker for 5 months, and before i found out he told her they should stop because she was more interested in saving our marriage more than staying with him. she was already quitting that job when i found out and she works elsewhere in our new town about 45 min from the old one. she says she has feelings for me still, but he gave her something i didn't, time to listen.* i was terrible at communicating and listening to her* and they worked close and nights and talked the whole time. several months before i found out, we were having troubles and i began to change. helped out more around the house and with the kids and actually tried to talk and listen. that effort was noticed and i believe that is the reason she chose to stay with me. they have not continued to see each other and haven't since i found out. they texted briefly for a couple days after silence for nearly a month. she said its hard for her because she had a connection with him that she lost with me. i am trying to prove to her that i can listen and she can talk to me and that change in me is what she struggles to get over. she has her doubts that i can change and be her emotional support. before i found out about the cheating we were talking about a seperation. she only just started working again as she has been a stay at home mom forever. she felt that she had to rely on me for money and she didnt like that. she wanted to feel like she can do anything on her own and doesnt need a man to provide for her. *she wants me in her life but does not want to feel like she needs me to provide for her*. she is focusing on her new (way better) job and the great direction our relationship is heading. her cold quiet "sweeping under the rug" could be hiding a continued communication, but also could be her way of dropping the past and not wanting to hear anything about it. she doesn't love me the way she used to so she doesn't show as much remorse for what she did. she breaks down time to time and tells me she is an awful evil person and *doesnt know why i want to stay* but the fact that i do makes her happy. i didn't get tested but she has ovarian cysts and she did and she is clean, ive seen the lab report


She's getting ready to move on without you. She has a "connection" with him, but it's not love with him, either. But her affair has opened her eyes that there are better men out there. Your advantage is that you already are married to her, financially she's not ready to leave yet, and the kids, and her reputation.

You've got an uphill battle with her. I don't think she's worth it. If not for the kids, I'd suggest dumping her and moving on. Still, remember this, she's no prize. You can do better, and you would do better, if she leaves. I think it's worth it to try for the kids, but don't be afraid of her leaving you.

Be the guy she fell in love with, would that guy put up with what's going on now? Make sure you put your own feelings and happiness on an equal footing with hers.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Just Joe said:


> She's getting ready to move on without you. She has a "connection" with him, but it's not love with him, either. But her affair has opened her eyes that there are better men out there.


And she was ready to move on even before she met this guy, because going to work was the first step in moving on.

EKDAD, before I write a text book here (that you will most likely ignore), I have a question: When was the last time a woman other than your wife made a pass at you?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I think this is just grand! She's giving you a second chance, so don't blow it! Find out what she needs you to do and do it! Wait.......I'm confused, who cheated, you or your wife? I guess I'd better reread the first post.:scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Real remorse is not about getting annoyed but comforting you and helping you heal.

If my old lady ever got annoyed with me after phucking some other guy she would be history. See my old lady excepts her consequences for her crap....yours doesn't.

Maybe it just me but when I wanted more sex I got...even if it was walking in the door and bending her over......she just wore skirts.

My point is there is a huge degree of submission needed from your old lady to help you and from were I'm sitting you are not getting it. Your not getting the respect you diserve for this kind of betrayal.

She should be thanking her lucky stars she aint couch surfing and you have the grace to forgive....instead she continues to make you do all the work in saving this pile of crap she created.

Froome were I'm sitting she should be doing all the work to keep the family unit together.....but she has your number...she knows you have that all covered while she goes to bed at night knowing you ain't going any were.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. If he dumped her, then all that means is your the fall back guy.........................until this guy or some new one grabs her interest.

If she can't make her mind up and since she hit you with the ILYBINILWY crap, rather than just sit and wait, tell her that this isn't good enough and if she wants to fence straddle then tell her to go do it some place else but in your home.

I would also hand her a blanket, sheet and pillow and have her sleep on the couch or spare room but the marital bed is off limits.

Also, close all credit cards and bank accounts and open new ones with your name on it. 

Let her no in no uncertain terms that you wont play second fiddle to anyone and I would also let her know that if there are problems in the marriage then there are ways with dealing with them and screwing another man isn't one of them and if this guy is married, you let his wife know so she can deal with him.

Stop playing the nice guy because you'll lose. Her actions have proved that she isn't playing nice and by not doing anything, all your doing is giving her the signal to continue.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Ekdad,

You are getting advice from Mach, Gus, Weightlifter, Mitch, these are top posters here on TAM. Follow their instructions carefully. They know what they are talking about.

Do not tell your wife that you love her. If she says it three times, you can look at her and reply, "really?"

And Harry, theGuy, 6301. Not many get so many top advisors right off the bat.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

where is your balls shes trying to rugs sweet it and your letting her if you don't work on this and she doesn't put most work in it down the road your going to resent her


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Welcome to reconciliation limbo EKDAD!

You will learn to live on sparse rations of hope and affection.

Focus on meeting her needs and "being there" for her. :slap:


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

I suggest to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair", maybe you can get it on PDF.

Read it together, so you will get the big picture.

After an Affair there are alot of stuff that you are going to be through, be prepared.

Seems that you both are really trying, just not in the better way.

PS 45 minutes is (1 1/2 hrs round trip) a real threat if your marriage goes through a rough time in the future..


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

EKDAD said:


> ... she had an off and on affair with her coworker for 5 months, and before i found out he told her they should stop because she was more interested in saving our marriage more than staying with him.


He broke up with her...that makes you plan B.



EKDAD said:


> she was already quitting that job when i found out and she works elsewhere in our new town about 45 min from the old one.


How exactly did you find out? That's pretty important information.



EKDAD said:


> she says she has feelings for me still, but he gave her something i didn't, time to listen. i was terrible at communicating and listening to her and they worked close and nights and talked the whole time.


Blame shifting. She has you believing that it's your fault she had an affair...if only you'd have listened to her more.

Keep that in mind when considering R...all it takes for her to cheat is a good listener to come into her office. 

Bro, that's total BS.

Have you informed her former place of employment, where the OM still works? I doubt they were getting much work done.



EKDAD said:


> several months before i found out, we were having troubles and i began to change. helped out more around the house and with the kids and actually tried to talk and listen. that effort was noticed and i believe that is the reason she chose to stay with me.


I'm sorry but you're wrong.

She stayed because he dumped her, not cause you changed.

You ever stop to think that maybe you were "having troubles" because she was sleeping with the OM? Logically, that would have a lot to do with marital problems...you just didn't know it yet.



EKDAD said:


> they have not continued to see each other and haven't since i found out.


Says who? You CANNOT say that for sure!



EKDAD said:


> they texted briefly for a couple days after silence for nearly a month. she said its hard for her because she had a connection with him that she lost with me.


She still has feelings for the other man, and she's not in love with you. She told you that. 

Any communication with him should have ended by now, otherwise, you are wasting your time trying to save this...he's still in the picture.



EKDAD said:


> i am trying to prove to her that i can listen and she can talk to me and that change in me is what she struggles to get over. she has her doubts that i can change and be her emotional support.


DUDE...it's YOU who should be having doubts. If she needed emotional support, she should have come to you...instead, she slept with another man. How could you spend the rest of your life catering to that? You want to spend forever wondering if you are giving her enough emotional support to keep her from having affairs? I guarantee she wouldn't do the same for you...she certainly didn't consider you when she was putting out for him.



EKDAD said:


> before i found out about the cheating we were talking about a seperation.


No doubt. She was thinking of separating because she was sleeping with mr wonderful. Then he dumps her, so she sticks to plan B, mr backup.



EKDAD said:


> she only just started working again as she has been a stay at home mom forever. she felt that she had to rely on me for money and she didnt like that. she wanted to feel like she can do anything on her own and doesnt need a man to provide for her. she wants me in her life but does not want to feel like she needs me to provide for her.


Looks like she's prepping for life with out you.



EKDAD said:


> she is focusing on her new (way better) job and the great direction our relationship is heading. her cold quiet "sweeping under the rug" could be hiding a continued communication, but also could be her way of dropping the past and not wanting to hear anything about it.


It doesn't work like that. It doesn't go away...YOU still have to live with that, while she gets a free pass? That sound fair for you?



EKDAD said:


> she doesn't love me the way she used to so she doesn't show as much remorse for what she did. she breaks down time to time and tells me she is an awful evil person and doesnt know why i want to stay but the fact that i do makes her happy. i didn't get tested but she has ovarian cysts and she did and she is clean, ive seen the lab report


I agree, she doesn't love you like a wife should love her husband. You are making it worse by not standing up for yourself.

She breaks down because she's not happy with you. She was happier when she was sleeping with the OM and ready to split from you. 

Of course she's happy you stayed...you get to support her while she's building herself up into "not needing you no more".


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

tulsy said:


> Blame shifting. She has you believing that it's your fault she had an affair...if only you'd have listened to her more.
> 
> Keep that in mind when considering R...all it takes for her to cheat is a good listener to come into her office.
> 
> ...


Listen to the advice given by everyone here. My stbxw put me through this. It took me a year to wake up. The problems did not start with you. It started with her. She stepped out of the marriage and that's why the connection was lost.
I almost lost my mind trying to figure out what was going on in my relationship. EKDAD, I've educated myself and so should you. Start reading and seeing how this same pattern plays out for so many others. The problems most definitely started when she decided to sleep with the OM. Again it's not you ... it's HER!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

EKDAD said:


> I am new to this site, but I am need of advice/support.
> 
> Nearly 1 month ago I learned my wife had been having an affair with her coworker. I had suspicions so one morning before work I checked her phone and found some "I miss you, wish you were here" type texts. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. She said it was over and she had already chosen to end it and move with me to our new home in a different town.* I told her I forgive her and we will move on.*


I had just posted this on another thread:


Just Joe said:


> After kids were in bed, I confronted. She tried to deny for about 1 minute, I was furious and told her pack up her stuff and I'd send her on a plane to finally meet other man, if she wanted him she could have him, I pulled out some dresser drawers and dumped them on the floor, started taking stuff out of her closet and throwing it on the floor, told her go get your suitcase, asked her what's his phone number, I want to call and let him know you're on your way - I was dead serious and I can't ever remember being angrier. She never saw me like that before, I had never acted like that before, I'm usually calm and laid back. She wound up in a fetal position hyperventilating, I thought I might have to call for an ambulance.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



And what happens?


> She says she doesn't know if she loves me or not anymore but wishes to try to find love again save our marriage and keep our family together (we have 3 kids). It has been a rough month. I find less and less "triggers" that remind me of the affair and we are more or less happy most days. Sex life has improved, but is still not as frequent as I would like. She said she would not talk to him again but last week I found out he had texted her and they texted back and forth for a couple days. She vows it was friend type talk, "how are you doing? hows the new job?" type stuff but I know she had feelings for him and she has told me it is hard not talking to him when they had spent so much time together at work. I am really struggling to try to trust her again. I constantly find myself checking her phone, email, call logs, anything I can think of. I have also had her delete all pictures and everything to do with him from her facebook and computer.


She is not going to respect you until you take the power back. The other guy was all "I'm not putting up with this GTFO" and that turned the table to his favor. Your approach ends up showing her there are no real consequences to her actions, she has no real motivation to do the right thing.




> I feel so terrible constantly checking in on her and she is very annoyed that I do it. She acts like it never happened and I don't know if she is just way better at moving on or what? I guess what I would like advice on is how to know if she really is committed to saving this marriage and how I can go about putting this behind me without needing to constantly check up on her? Thank you in advance for ANY thoughts, input or advice.


You are both trying to rug sweep, what ends up happening is she learns she can get away with cheating (because she did) and dollars to donuts when the opportunity comes up she'll do it again. You are doing her a FAVOR not divorcing her, she need so to get that through her head.

She needs to be scared out of her wits that you are going to divorce her any minute and that is she even sneezes in the OM's direction she will be served. If she was truly remorseful you wouldn't need to check on her, that fact that you do shows that she still has the power over you. You are just asking for a false R like that.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Just Joe said:


> She's getting ready to move on without you. She has a "connection" with him, but it's not love with him, either. But her affair has opened her eyes that there are better men out there. Your advantage is that you already are married to her, financially she's not ready to leave yet, and the kids, and her reputation.


This speaks volumes! 

-sammy


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Standard evidence post pasted below.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” “I love you but not in love with you.” or version thereof. Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up.

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY!

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality.

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work.

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell.

Credit john1068
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself.

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there.

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ).

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

Credit rodphoto 01162014
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked.

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed.

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward.

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears.

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history!

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything said into the phone is right here. I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to. Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS. It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

weightlifter said:


> So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
> Rule 1 for this.
> *SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.*
> Rule 2 for this.
> ...


If you learn anything during this investigation phase it is this!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Ekdad,

When a cheating spouse gets caught and the BS wants to consider R; the CS has to be appreciative of that second chance or R will not work. In fact, the CS should be desperately grateful. 

To the point that they wouldn't think of doing anything that would undermine that second chance, the precious gift you are giving them.

Your wife resumed contact with the OM. That's a big deal. It means that she was willing to throw that gift back in your face. She doesn't appreciate it, therefore she is not remorseful.

In essence she cheated on you once and then again; at the very time she should be doing everything in her power to save her marriage.

To carry on with R now, is giving her a third chance. I for one, don't think she deserves it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

EKDAD

You are getting a lot of advice thrown at you.

Take the time to read all the posts then come back.

You are in a tough spot. 

Your wife is still not being totally honest with you.

But even worse is the fact she is not being totally honest with herself.

A.She got a job.

B.She has lied. 

C.She has had sex outside of the marriage with a coworker at her first new job in a few years.

D. She does not want to rip off the bandaid and truly talk about her bad decisions that she freely made.

She did all of this before she spoke of a separation.

Do you see how her actions have very little to do with you.

Sure you did not communicate. Sure you did not help out with the kids.

That does not warrant her sleeping with another man does it?

Come back and post. Learn.

HM


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Cheating hurts like hell, but lying about what happend is worst...
You cant builth a R with out knowing the thuth, whole thruth!
She was dumped, (seha didt quit) didnt come clean before you catched her
Kept in touch with OM after DD...


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## peacenlove (Jun 16, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. I've been through it too. You need and deserve full disclosure. And she has to understand that you will be checking her phone etc...you now have the right to. She has betrayed your trust in the worst way. It may take a couple of years, before you stop the need to check, but she has to earn your trust back, if she is serious about working on your relationship. She has to be a complete OPEN BOOK now. Good luck.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

First have his call/texted blocked. If the phone will not do it then call your provider and tell them you are being harsed. You don't have to tell wife you did this either


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Elvis has --- well you know the rest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP you have received some very sound advice paid for through the school of hard knocks. 

You will not nice her out of the affair and back to you. 

Rug sweeping will haunt you later. 

If if you do not post again. I hope you will still read your thread and follow the suggestions provided. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

EKDAD said:


> I am new to this site, but I am need of advice/support.
> 
> *Nearly 1 month ago I learned my wife had been having an affair with her coworker*. I had suspicions so one morning before work I checked her phone and found some "I miss you, wish you were here" type texts. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. She said it was over and she had already chosen to end it and move with me to our new home in a different town. *I told her I forgive her and we will move on*. She says she doesn't know if she loves me or not anymore but wishes to try to find love again save our marriage and keep our family together (we have 3 kids). It has been a rough month. I find less and less "triggers" that remind me of the affair and we are more or less happy most days. Sex life has improved, but is still not as frequent as I would like. She said she would not talk to him again but last week I found out he had texted her and they texted back and forth for a couple days. She vows it was friend type talk, "how are you doing? hows the new job?" type stuff but I know she had feelings for him and she has told me it is hard not talking to him when they had spent so much time together at work. I am really struggling to try to trust her again. I constantly find myself checking her phone, email, call logs, anything I can think of. I have also had her delete all pictures and everything to do with him from her facebook and computer. I feel so terrible constantly checking in on her and she is very annoyed that I do it. She acts like it never happened and I don't know if she is just way better at moving on or what? I guess what I would like advice on is how to know if she really is committed to saving this marriage and how I can go about putting this behind me without needing to constantly check up on her? Thank you in advance for ANY thoughts, input or advice.


how can you forgive her for something like this after only one month??!


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## EKDAD (Jun 12, 2014)

Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading. 
For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and spy wannabe's why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem. She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree, I'm 5 yrs into a healthy R but my question is way back when, your wife replied to the OM text and you didn't catch that, do you think that things woulds have been different? If you didn't find out that your wife reestablished contact the affair would have started back up?

I think there is a time to verify a waywards commitment to the marriage by going all James Bond and a time when trust is rebuilt and letting go of the secret agent bull crap.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

EKDAD said:


> I am new to this site, but I am need of advice/support.
> 
> Nearly 1 month ago I learned my wife had been having an affair with her coworker. I had suspicions so one morning before work I checked her phone and found some "I miss you, wish you were here" type texts. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. She said it was over and she had already chosen to end it and move with me to our new home in a different town. I told her I forgive her and we will move on. She says she doesn't know if she loves me or not anymore but wishes to try to find love again save our marriage and keep our family together (we have 3 kids). It has been a rough month. I find less and less "triggers" that remind me of the affair and we are more or less happy most days. Sex life has improved, but is still not as frequent as I would like. She said she would not talk to him again but last week I found out he had texted her and they texted back and forth for a couple days. She vows it was friend type talk, "how are you doing? hows the new job?" type stuff but I know she had feelings for him and she has told me it is hard not talking to him when they had spent so much time together at work. I am really struggling to try to trust her again. I constantly find myself checking her phone, email, call logs, anything I can think of. I have also had her delete all pictures and everything to do with him from her facebook and computer. I feel so terrible constantly checking in on her and she is very annoyed that I do it. She acts like it never happened and I don't know if she is just way better at moving on or what? I guess what I would like advice on is how to know if she really is committed to saving this marriage and how I can go about putting this behind me without needing to constantly check up on her? Thank you in advance for ANY thoughts, input or advice.


Serve her stupid a$$ some divorce papers and call it a day. You don't have to be a parent to your wife. Will also remind her that you can be loved by someone else.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry, but with no bad results from this A, she will have another and another.

She does not respect you and is still lying to you.

She loves him and will love the next co-worker that she is going to hook up with soon.

She is not sorry, if she did not show real remorse, and give you a timeline of the A, go to counseling and she still controls the marriage.

Hope you do find happiness and peace, but she will cheat again and again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EKDAD said:


> Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading.
> For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and spy wannabe's why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem. She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy


Pssh... please. You clearly don't realize how exceedingly lucky you were to have gotten not only semi-concrete proof of your wife's affair but also confirmation from her... and pretty much right out of the gate. Many BS's don't get that. You did, and that's great, but why come back six months later and rub it in the face of so many here?

And you're correct -- communication is absolutely paramount to a successful reconciliation. But a HUGE part of that communication _has to be_ full disclosure of any and all affairs and all activity associated w/ them. Again, many BS's don't get that. Again, you did (hopefully)... but why the taunting and trash talk?

Anyway, I wouldn't brag so early into your reconciliation, lest you find out at a later date that there's more to the narrative than you currently know... and you find yourself right back here.

Either way, good luck!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Ekdad,

Good of you to come back.
TAM needs examples of successful reconciliation that do not follow the established truisms.

Does your wife feel that she has become a better person?

Did her level of remorse rise on its own?

Do you feel responsible for her decision to cheat?

What did she do that made you feel confident that she had fallen back in love with you?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

EKDAD very happy this is working in your favor to this point

But I have to say you are a very lucky young man.

Some of your points are well made.as in the Jams Bond stuff

There has to be a point when you need to let the WW off the mat.

Only you know exactly when that was.I hope your instincts are correct and not just blind faith.

Time will tell young man.I really hope this is all past you.

55


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

EKDAD said:


> Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading.
> For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and spy wannabe's why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem. She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy


Good job, I hope things really work out for you. It must be nice to know that your W was at a place to actually want to reconcile, when so many don't wanna give up on the new "love." Many aren't like that, take the affair deeper underground after confrontation, and will lie,lie,lie...so that fact that she bounced back and you guys used this to make things better is commendable.

However, perhaps instead of dropping a grenade on those you perceived as being antagonistic, it would have been far healthier and informative for the community to see how it all played out...how you confronted this, how you got to the place of reestablishing intimacy, what books you read and what specifically in the books seemed to help.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

That's all well and good, but 6 months isn't very long.

I do hope this works out for you.

It sounds like you're communicating with her better.

So if she ever feels like she's on the road to having sex with another man again, she can talk to you about it and you'll listen this time, right?... Wait, you mean that she never actually told you that she was thinking of cheating before she did it? Then how'd you find out? Oh you checked her phone, but stopped there and told her you forgave her. Then she had to think about whether she was still in love with you enough to stay married. See where I'm goin' with this?

What were the consiquences of here cheating on you anyway?...

You caught her by checking her phone. She only admitted to anything that she thought you already knew. You forgave her right on the spot. She had to think about whether she still loved you enough to stay. See where I'm going with this?

I wish you a whole lota luck my friend, you're gonna need it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EKDAD said:


> Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading.
> For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and spy wannabe's why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem. She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy


Well, that's grand news for you!

I hope she understands the great gift of grace that you have given her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Well, that's grand news for you!
> 
> I hope she understands the great gift of grace that you have given her.


"What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly..."

- Thomas Paine


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## pilotranger (Oct 7, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Sorry, you're doing it wrong. Very very wrong.
> 
> 1) STOP trying to win her approval. Stop it right now. It should be the other way around. SHE cheated, not you!!!
> 2) Do not believe a word that comes out of her mouth
> ...


Is there any keylogger programs for iphones? How i can monitor text messages where/when/who messages were sent? Can I actually read the messages?

Thanks


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pilotranger said:


> Is there any keylogger programs for iphones? How i can monitor text messages where/when/who messages were sent? Can I actually read the messages?
> 
> Thanks


Yeah, but you'd have to jailbreak the iPhone first.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

EKDAD
*Congratulations on your 6-month successful R!*

I hope that you keep us informed from time to time as your situation can be very important to other readers. You have a great start but remember that a successful long-term R involves many years. I know that you know that but you may want to keep as many resources at your disposal as possible because this betrayal will be something that you will have to overcome for many years. There are people (Mr. and Mrs. John Adams) that have a successful R for 20-30 years and still have to overcome some issues. Those issues most likely will not be devastating but you maybe able to get help from sources such as this Web site (TAM)

You and your wife are to be commended for your progress and most of us would love to see you continue to succeed for many many years.* You can get a lot of good information on this site but you will have to learn to get a thick skin and take what helps you and discard the rest.*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EKDAD said:


> Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading.
> For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and spy wannabe's why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem. She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy


Congratulations on your success!!! Thanks for coming back and letting us know how you are doing. 

I would love to know what book you read.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

HaHaHaHa!!!&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Congrats EKDAD. A great update. But, as others have mentioned above, you are one of the lucky ones. A lot of CWI stories haven't ended so well. Enjoy your success. :smthumbup:


Edit: But I would suggest you stay off TAM now. There'll be several naysayers to tell you you're doing it wrong. In fact they're already posting. You've done it your way, and it seems to be working for you. Ignore them, and find your own way.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

EKDAD said:


> Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading.
> For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and spy wannabe's why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem. She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy


So, let me get this straight:


She decides to f*ck another guy at work (Mr Wonderful)

She argues with you so that she can separate from you to continue f*cking Mr Wonderful more freely.

You try to "change" yourself so that she doesn't continue f*cking Mr Wonderful.

Mr Wonderful then dumps her.

She gives you some bullish!t story about her "noticing" your changes and coming back to you and that the Mr Wonderful is indeed wonderful because he didn't want to continue because she did not want to break up her marriage to Mr Plan B (you).

And you believe her although your gut (which is nearly always right) is screaming out to you to be vigilant (hence your original post in this thread).

And she continues to contact him but its because she had a "connection" with him but its friend only talk (i.e. she continues to have contact with the OM - and easy access too, so she knows that anytime she wants, he is only 45m away).

And you believe this sh!t too.

And she got you believing that this was all your fault.

And she has faced NO real consequences for fu*king another guy and can do so anytime again in the future because she knows just how to play you.

And now its all lovey dovey again! And all the TAMmers are wrong!

I see ... well then, best of luck to you, matey.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

EKDAD said:


> She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy


 You say that "if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with", yet you just got back together with her by ignoring the fact that during the many months of her affair she was in fact a "sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl". Do you not see how your actions contradict your own words?

You decided to immediately trust and forgive her, without doing what must be done to confirm that the affair was really over and not just on hold until things cooled down, and without there being an reason for her not to cheat again with someone else. And yet here you are only 6 months away from learning of an affair that you knew nothing about that lasted for at least 5 months, and you are declaring victory? We have seen many false reconciliations on this site that lasted much longer than 6 months before they discovered that they had been drinking the cheaters Kool-Aid. I hope that I am wrong, but it is way too soon for you to be claiming victory. Especially when you never did the work to verify, because she has you believing the cheater's script that verifying would make you a "doucher spy".


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Wonderfull everything solved in less than a month, she switched her feelings and desires as if she had a switch with the name of the person she wants to be and of curse everything has to be forgotten as if it never happened, sorry dude, but you don't find nothing weird with that scenary?, if things were as easiliy solved in real life, places like this would not be necessary, you are rugsweeping at 100% speed


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So it seems that there are a lot of folks here that do not like to see that someone feels that they are doing well in reconciliation.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So it seems that there are a lot of folks here that do not like to see that someone feels that they are doing well in reconciliation.


:iagree:


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So it seems that there are a lot of folks here that do not like to see that someone feels that they are doing well in reconciliation.


Non, au contraire - I think everyone should do it like this. It's a fantastic turnaround, saving years of hard work and therapy. And with remarkable results, I might add.

OP should stick around and teach everyone how to do it, step by step. I would personally like to learn more about how to communicate truthfully with and trust a person again so soon after a major betrayal.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So it seems that there are a lot of folks here that do not like to see that someone feels that they are doing well in reconciliation.


Not really. Now what EI and B1 have - that's real reconciliation. Most of us just don't like to see the wool being pulled over anyone's eyes.

Even if the OP and his wife are genuinely happy - at the very least he will be alert should she pull this sort of [email protected] on him again. So he can name call all he wants, the truth is he has learned a very valuable lesson for the future - one he couldn't pay to get.

However, we all wish him well here - this is the purpose of the forum.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

HaHaHaHa!!! Whew! &#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

As I said Time will tell

55


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

EKDAD said:


> I guess what I would like advice on is how to know if she really is committed to saving this marriage and how I can go about putting this behind me without needing to constantly check up on her? Thank you in advance for ANY thoughts, input or advice.


Through complete transparency and MC. You should have access to all her email accounts, phone, social media etc. I'm curious as to what books you read. How has communication improved?

You say that the James Bond advice given here was useless. What exactly happened this last month that helped you? Do you no longer have a need to constantly checking up on her? Many of us are curious and would like to learn.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

cpacan said:


> OP should stick around and teach everyone how to do it, step by step. I would personally like to learn more about how to communicate truthfully with and trust a person again so soon after a major betrayal.



Do you remember Cpacan, there was a site dedicated to cheaters. There were many discussions about what to do on DDay. The main point was *** the brain out of the BS, take the A underground, start over when the dust settles down.

I think OPs wife also learned from that same school and OP is bragging about it and still viewing her with the rose coloured glasses.

We are not against reconciliation but we dont want the BS coming here go through the same process again and again and get cheated again. 

To ensure that you are in true R, there are certain steps to follow through, True Remorse, counseling, Ownig their crap without blame shifting, Transparency and hard work from WS. If your wife showed everything then congrats you are a lucky guy. 

If not, then get ready to visit the TAM thread in short span of time. OM is only 45 minutes away and she didnt faced any consequences for her A. As if she had some fun on your back and returnned back to your marriage as if she had a hall pass.

we will be here for you.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> The beta is strong with this one..


Very. He's still plugged into blue pill land. It's very hard to unplug from the matrix.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

He'll be back.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> I agree, I'm 5 yrs into a healthy R but my question is way back when, your wife replied to the OM text and you didn't catch that, do you think that things woulds have been different? If you didn't find out that your wife reestablished contact the affair would have started back up?
> 
> I think there is a time to verify a waywards commitment to the marriage by going all James Bond and a time when trust is rebuilt and letting go of the secret agent bull crap.


:iagree:

and obviously the Op was spying when he caught his wife responding to OM way back when R started. and if he didn't catch the the text between them, who knows what would have happened.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Pssh... please. You clearly don't realize how exceedingly lucky you were to have gotten not only semi-concrete proof of your wife's affair but also confirmation from her... and pretty much right out of the gate. Many BS's don't get that. You did, and that's great, but why come back six months later and rub it in the face of so many here?
> 
> And you're correct -- communication is absolutely paramount to a successful reconciliation. But a HUGE part of that communication _has to be_ full disclosure of any and all affairs and all activity associated w/ them. Again, many BS's don't get that. Again, you did (hopefully)... but why the taunting and trash talk?
> 
> ...


Very good post

:iagree:


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> That's all well and good, but 6 months isn't very long.
> 
> I do hope this works out for you.
> 
> ...


another good post

and he (OP) did check her phone. and confronted these are tactics of being a spy but I would not call him a doucher spy (op's word?) for doing this but I guess he (OP) would.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Nobody here wants you to fail, in fact quite the contrary but there are certain "procedures" that are indicative of successful reconciliations. The process of R is just that, a process. In this process lessons are learned and new norms established. As part of the process, one thing the WS learns that there are severe consequences for their actions and one of those consequences is their own angst. A pain so deep over what they've done that to repeat it would be far too excruciating. Another lesson they learn is that, when faced with marital difficulties, an A is the absolute wrong way to deal with it for a myriad of reasons, most of which are learned through the R process.

I know I speak for all here when I say, in all honesty, that we want nothing more than for you to succeed in your marriage. All some of us are saying is that we feel that by not allowing the process to unfold that you may be sabotaging your future for the sake of quick and convenient. If I have spoken for any here on TAM that disagree, I apologize.

All of life is a learning process and we are all shaped and molded by our journey herein. One lesson that your WW has learned is that when her needs are not met by you that she can go elsewhere being how it worked this time. Fortunately, you have now improved to meet her standards so she has graciously accepted you back. That is the cart before the horse. She should have come back to you not because you met her demands but because she cared for you so much she had to. THEN you should have become a better H and made self improvement because you cared for her so much that you recognized your own shortcomings and could not continue failing her as you were.

There are other examples I could give but suffice it to say that we are creatures of habit who try hard to avoid pain and when we find something that works we use it until it no longer does. So, if you continue to go on as the new and improved you then maybe all will be well but if you have a rough patch wherein you fail to meet your wife's standards she may very well invoke the method that worked last time, although I sincerely hope not.

In any event, I wish you both continued happiness.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So it seems that there are a lot of folks here that do not like to see that someone feels that they are doing well in reconciliation.


I like people doing well in reconciliation. I don't like the tone of superiority in his post.

I rugswept like that very early in my marriage, only for the affairs escalating in number, extent and secrecy during the next 15+ years.

That kind of experience tends to teach one lessons. 

And color one's outlook, for sure.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

DayOne said:


> Congrats EKDAD. A great update. But, as others have mentioned above, you are one of the lucky ones. A lot of CWI stories haven't ended so well. Enjoy your success. :smthumbup:
> 
> 
> Edit: But I would suggest you stay off TAM now. There'll be several naysayers to tell you you're doing it wrong. In fact they're already posting. You've done it your way, and it seems to be working for you. Ignore them, and find your own way.


He's not doing it wrong. Rugsweeping often gives you short-term success.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'm glad for EKDAD. Clearly, if you can look at things the way he does, move on, and live with what happened you'll be a happier person.

Every person, every situation is different. His spouse behaved in a way (post affair) that made it possible. His conscience and personality meshed, and happiness ensued.

Its kind of like choosing Apple stock over Enron.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You could be right, Forest. Good people cheat. It happens. Humans are programmed to have sex. Giving in to instinct is not all that difficult.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

My first false R lasted about 6 months, I was completely blind-sighted when the OM called her and it was off to the races again. I mistakenly believed she "learned her lesson" the first time but that was just me in denial.

Hopefully the OP isn't falling into that trap, the minute you think you have everything under control is when things start falling apart.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So it seems that there are a lot of folks here that do not like to see that someone feels that they are doing well in reconciliation.


You can't possibly think that's all there is to the blowback currently going down here.

Look, it's great that OP's marriage is doing better. I think it's a bit naive for him to presume -- only six months out -- that he's completely turned things around, but I don't necessarily doubt it.

What I take issue w/ is OP coming back here and thumbing his nose at the torment that hundreds of BS's have experienced in attempting to get to the truth about their WS's dalliances... while simultaneously showing a complete lack of appreciation for how lucky he was in uncovering the truth w/ respect to his wife's affair as quickly as he did. Not every BS winds up w/ a remorseful WS that is so willing to offer up the truth. In fact, given what we read here all too often, that's pretty f*cking rare.

And OK... his circumstances didn't quite fit the script. It's pretty apparent that many BH's find their marriages in dire straits because of a distinct lack of "alpha". If OP is on the money w/ his assessment of things, then it was a lack of "beta" that led his wife to stray. That does happen. Well now she's got herself a Big Ol' Bag 'o' Beta™. Enjoy.

At any rate, it's good that everything is going well w/ OP. He could use a bit more humility, though.

Oh, and let's not forget how he uncovered his wife's affair in the first place...

_HE CHECKED HER F*CKING PHONE._

Had his wife been a bit more careful about covering her tracks, he may very well be living in limbo still, in which case he may have fully embraced the knowledge that so many sought to impart.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> You can't possibly think that's all there is to the blowback currently going down here.
> 
> Look, it's great that OP's marriage is doing better. I think it's a bit naive for him to presume -- only six months out -- that he's completely turned things around, but I don't necessarily doubt it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> That is the cart before the horse. She should have come back to you not because you met her demands but because she cared for you so much she had to. *THEN you should have become a better H* and made self improvement because you cared for her so much that you recognized your own shortcomings and could not continue failing her as you were.


Why waiting to become a better husband? If she decides not to care about you and to stay in the wrong, you want to stay a proud a$$?

OP was right to work with his wife. They both corrected what they had to correct, but he took the leadership to make things happen.

You have to take the right tool for the right situation and OP is doing a great job.


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## EKDAD (Jun 12, 2014)

I apologize for my negative response towards some of your advise. I left this site after those first couple posts because of the negative attitude many brought forward as advise to start reconciliation with a wayward spouse, as if there is only one way to do it. I completely disagree. No one here knows my wife and the extent of my situation better than myself. There is no way I can type out every detail, word, or action involved with her affair and the discovery of it. I do agree that there is a time and place for snooping through phones and emails and accounts. That is how i got proof of her affair and how i discovered she spoke with him again 1 month later, but what i don't appreciate is the over the top hidden recorders and spyware on her phone and all the tech gadgets to spy on her. I approached her because i did not want to "spy" i wanted to be in her face about it. i asked her to be transparent with me and she did. instead of spying, i asked to check her phone and her fb and her emails and did so right then and there with her and at random. Anytime i got that twitch or feeling of unrest when she was on her phone, I would ask if I can see what she's doing and she would hand me her phone. Yes she did not like it because it invaded her private conversations with friends but also because she was not talking to him. She answered every question i had about the affair and told me every part and piece about it, holding back no detail, which i might add was often hard to hear, but it was exactly what happened, it left no room for my mind to wander or imagine anything else. We read the book surviving an affair. We individually read a chapter and wrote and marked up and commented and then got together and discussed everything about that chapter and her affair. We went through the whole book doing that. That book helped immensely in identifying the root cause of her affair, moved into how to end it correctly, how to move past it, then more importantly how to focus on rebuilding our broken marriage. Working together and being completely open and honest about any of our feelings created a level of communication we never had to start with. We learned what both of us were doing right and wrong and what each of us needed from the other. Focusing on that is really what helped push us past the affair and onto a new life together. Our old marriage died with that affair, a new commitment to each other is what came of this. Now we talk often, dream together, make future plans, work together to solve problems, AND (i know im not the only guy to have this issue) she is finally on board with following a budget and talks to me before spending. She went back to being a stay at home mom and is actually going to start nannying to contribute to our income. I understand that it has only been 8 months since learning of her affair, and more like 7 months since really trying to reconcile. Yes that is a short term victory, but it doesn't feel that way, we are both aiming for long term, correction we feel its the start of our lives together.
Let me be clear now, so all the one dimensional thinkers can follow, I do not blame myself for HER affair, she owns that responsibility and she struggled with facing that guilt, which is why she did not want to show remorse and wanted to move past HER mistake as quickly as possible. Through TRANSPARENCY and COMMUNICATION we brought her affair and all our problems out into the open, then moved past her affair and focused on each other and starting new. We went on more dates, talked more, had our first weekend alone away from kids in over 5 years. We did not rug sweep, we lifted that rug vacuumed up the **** and tossed the f##cking vacuum. She had to do a whole lot of growing up to get to a better place and she did that with my support. Again not everyone will be as lucky as I am I know that, but there is a correct tool for each job, not just one tool to do them all. I found the correct tool for my job, now we are better people and better to each other.
One last thought; Forgiveness is instant. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is built on works.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

i read what you said.

She'll be a repeat offender. Best of luck with your "false" R. New town means new OM. Sorry.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EKDAD said:


> I apologize for my negative response towards some of your advise. I left this site after those first couple posts because of the negative attitude many brought forward as advise to start reconciliation with a wayward spouse, as if there is only one way to do it. I completely disagree. No one here knows my wife and the extent of my situation better than myself. There is no way I can type out every detail, word, or action involved with her affair and the discovery of it. I do agree that there is a time and place for snooping through phones and emails and accounts. That is how i got proof of her affair and how i discovered she spoke with him again 1 month later, but what i don't appreciate is the over the top hidden recorders and spyware on her phone and all the tech gadgets to spy on her. I approached her because i did not want to "spy" i wanted to be in her face about it. i asked her to be transparent with me and she did. instead of spying, i asked to check her phone and her fb and her emails and did so right then and there with her and at random. Anytime i got that twitch or feeling of unrest when she was on her phone, I would ask if I can see what she's doing and she would hand me her phone. Yes she did not like it because it invaded her private conversations with friends but also because she was not talking to him. She answered every question i had about the affair and told me every part and piece about it, holding back no detail, which i might add was often hard to hear, but it was exactly what happened, it left no room for my mind to wander or imagine anything else. We read the book surviving an affair. We individually read a chapter and wrote and marked up and commented and then got together and discussed everything about that chapter and her affair. We went through the whole book doing that. That book helped immensely in identifying the root cause of her affair, moved into how to end it correctly, how to move past it, then more importantly how to focus on rebuilding our broken marriage. Working together and being completely open and honest about any of our feelings created a level of communication we never had to start with. We learned what both of us were doing right and wrong and what each of us needed from the other. Focusing on that is really what helped push us past the affair and onto a new life together. Our old marriage died with that affair, a new commitment to each other is what came of this. Now we talk often, dream together, make future plans, work together to solve problems, AND (i know im not the only guy to have this issue) she is finally on board with following a budget and talks to me before spending. She went back to being a stay at home mom and is actually going to start nannying to contribute to our income. I understand that it has only been 8 months since learning of her affair, and more like 7 months since really trying to reconcile. Yes that is a short term victory, but it doesn't feel that way, we are both aiming for long term, correction we feel its the start of our lives together.
> Let me be clear now, so all the one dimensional thinkers can follow, I do not blame myself for HER affair, she owns that responsibility and she struggled with facing that guilt, which is why she did not want to show remorse and wanted to move past HER mistake as quickly as possible. Through TRANSPARENCY and COMMUNICATION we brought her affair and all our problems out into the open, then moved past her affair and focused on each other and starting new. We went on more dates, talked more, had our first weekend alone away from kids in over 5 years. We did not rug sweep, we lifted that rug vacuumed up the **** and tossed the f##cking vacuum. She had to do a whole lot of growing up to get to a better place and she did that with my support. Again not everyone will be as lucky as I am I know that, but there is a correct tool for each job, not just one tool to do them all. I found the correct tool for my job, now we are better people and better to each other.
> One last thought; Forgiveness is instant. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is built on works.


First off, that's a damn good book, so good call on that.

As for the rest, yes... communication is key to rebuilding the trust, and you're very fortunate in that you had -- and have! -- a wife that was and is willing to shoulder the heavy lifting in that regard.

But many (Hell, maybe even _most_) betrayed spouses don't get that level of honesty from their waywards. Instead, it's often a steady stream of trickle-truth, gaslighting, lying, denying, and blameshifting, and many of the tools and methods that were mentioned earlier in the thread are proven to help in dispensing w/ all of that in order to get to the truth.

So, in your case, maybe we jumped the gun w/ the 007-esque advice. You clearly didn't need it, and that's great. Truly, it is. But we see it here all the time... some poor sap shows up, shares his tale of woe, posts a couple of times, and then bails on his own thread, clearly scared off by some of the advice that he's received. That's when the back and forth begins, and suddenly 2 pages becomes 20+, and w/ OP nowhere in sight. Yeah... we can get carried away.

And, if I'm being honest, I don't like posting that sh*t. Doing so makes me feel a bit dirty, dishonest, and downright shady. But if it helps someone find their way out of the ether (and it has, many times), I can't feel badly about that.

Anyway, it's good to hear that you're doing well. Stay the course, keep your chin up, and feel free to update us from time to time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EKDAD said:


> Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading.
> For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and spy wannabe's why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem. She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy


So let me get this straight. Your W does not like how you're communicating with her. She has a PA as a result. Suffers no consequences and advises that communication is the key to her fidelity. That is all well and good but when communication breaks down again(by your W definition) she will go off and do it again because EKDAD accepted it was all his fault last time. If communication is the answer to R then it is also the answer to stopping infidelity. Where was the communicating on your W part before the PA? 

I'm glad you believe you are the right track. Time and actions will be the real answer to true R. For now, it has not been long enough IMO. 
Best wishes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I most have a lot of grace

For me the forgiveness wasn't instant. I figured she would be at it again....but I guess there is a switch for some waywards. Well in my case at least 20 switches!


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

Good look with your futur false R your gonna need it believe me


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Well, the choice of book explains a lot. BTDT, it was what I did in the beginning, took all responsibility. Watch out for the next time you don't meet her emotional wants, she may reconect or seek someone else out.

10-12 months out, I read "Hold On To Your NUTS" and NMMNG, it changed the dynamics in our relationship a 180, so she finally realized that she had to change as well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Show of hands for the folks posting that actually WANT this dude's marriage to fail?

Because there are 8 pages of responses ... and the OP has posted exactly 4 times.

EKDAD it would be beneficial if you could put a little more meat on the bones of your relationship.

You don't tell us much other than you both married young and have 3 kids by your mid-twenties.

Tell us something about your marriage, about your life rather than feeding all of this other noise.

And for all of the 'good luck with your false reconciliation' posters ...

Kindly refrain.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I was laughing at his arrogance Deej. I want him to succeed and his wife too. I don't really care about his marriage because his wife didn't. Give it a year or five and I will start rooting for it.

It is way too soon to tell if this R will work. He did read a good book and is talking really smart where it comes to marriage.

I simply thought his vitriol was laughably misplaced. One size does not fit all but the majority here were trying to help him and his ww was displaying alarming red flags for a successful R.

I hope she is changing into a better woman and wife, likewise the OP can definitely improve as a husband as that helps any marriage regardless of infidelity.

I believe many, rightly, took offense at his tone. I haven't even been cheated on and was offended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Not disagreeing with anything you said CH.

Just my job to point out when we're doing a bit too much of it ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EKDAD, you and your wife are in my prayers. Good luck for the future and my best wishes for the rest of your marriage.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> Why waiting to become a better husband? If she decides not to care about you and to stay in the wrong, you want to stay a proud a$$?
> 
> OP was right to work with his wife. They both corrected what they had to correct, but he took the leadership to make things happen.
> 
> You have to take the right tool for the right situation and OP is doing a great job.


I was trying to express a point about conditionally not cheating. I believe that the changes should be more simultaneous in practical reality as each person recognizes their own unique negative contribution(s) to the union. The point I was striving to make is that if he slips up again in his diligence, she may respond in kind as before since his change facilitated her turn around implying that her not cheating was conditional based on his behavior.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

EKDAD said:


> I apologize for my negative response towards some of your advise. I left this site after those first couple posts because of the negative attitude many brought forward as advise to start reconciliation with a wayward spouse, as if there is only one way to do it. I completely disagree. No one here knows my wife and the extent of my situation better than myself. There is no way I can type out every detail, word, or action involved with her affair and the discovery of it. I do agree that there is a time and place for snooping through phones and emails and accounts. That is how i got proof of her affair and how i discovered she spoke with him again 1 month later, but what i don't appreciate is the over the top hidden recorders and spyware on her phone and all the tech gadgets to spy on her. I approached her because i did not want to "spy" i wanted to be in her face about it. i asked her to be transparent with me and she did. instead of spying, i asked to check her phone and her fb and her emails and did so right then and there with her and at random. Anytime i got that twitch or feeling of unrest when she was on her phone, I would ask if I can see what she's doing and she would hand me her phone. Yes she did not like it because it invaded her private conversations with friends but also because she was not talking to him. She answered every question i had about the affair and told me every part and piece about it, holding back no detail, which i might add was often hard to hear, but it was exactly what happened, it left no room for my mind to wander or imagine anything else. We read the book surviving an affair. We individually read a chapter and wrote and marked up and commented and then got together and discussed everything about that chapter and her affair. We went through the whole book doing that. That book helped immensely in identifying the root cause of her affair, moved into how to end it correctly, how to move past it, then more importantly how to focus on rebuilding our broken marriage. Working together and being completely open and honest about any of our feelings created a level of communication we never had to start with. We learned what both of us were doing right and wrong and what each of us needed from the other. Focusing on that is really what helped push us past the affair and onto a new life together. Our old marriage died with that affair, a new commitment to each other is what came of this. Now we talk often, dream together, make future plans, work together to solve problems, AND (i know im not the only guy to have this issue) she is finally on board with following a budget and talks to me before spending. She went back to being a stay at home mom and is actually going to start nannying to contribute to our income. I understand that it has only been 8 months since learning of her affair, and more like 7 months since really trying to reconcile. Yes that is a short term victory, but it doesn't feel that way, we are both aiming for long term, correction we feel its the start of our lives together.
> Let me be clear now, so all the one dimensional thinkers can follow, I do not blame myself for HER affair, she owns that responsibility and she struggled with facing that guilt, which is why she did not want to show remorse and wanted to move past HER mistake as quickly as possible. Through TRANSPARENCY and COMMUNICATION we brought her affair and all our problems out into the open, then moved past her affair and focused on each other and starting new. We went on more dates, talked more, had our first weekend alone away from kids in over 5 years. We did not rug sweep, we lifted that rug vacuumed up the **** and tossed the f##cking vacuum. She had to do a whole lot of growing up to get to a better place and she did that with my support. Again not everyone will be as lucky as I am I know that, but there is a correct tool for each job, not just one tool to do them all. I found the correct tool for my job, now we are better people and better to each other.
> One last thought; Forgiveness is instant. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is built on works.


EKDAD

If you posted this instead of your previous diatribe we all coukd have saved you allot of rhetoric .

You seem to have things under control and that's great

Trust but verify is all I advise

Good Luck Young Man

55


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by EKDAD
> We individually read a chapter and wrote and marked up and commented and then got together and discussed everything about that chapter and her affair. We went through the whole book doing that. That book helped immensely in identifying the root cause of her affair, moved into how to end it correctly, how to move past it, then more importantly how to focus on rebuilding our broken marriage. Working together and being completely open and honest about any of our feelings created a level of communication we never had to start with
> She went back to being a stay at home mom and is actually going to start nannying to contribute to our income


EKDAD
You and your wife have taken CONCRETE ACTIONS that will strengthen your marriage. You and your wife are showing great gains in the last several months and you both are to be commended. For those posters that seem to think they have a crystal ball and have predicted that your wife will cheat again and that your marriage will fail; well that is pure speculation and not CONCRETE ACTIONS.

You and your wife are way ahead of the game at this point and I want to focus on your positive accomplishments and to encourage you. I have over 20 years of R and my wife has never cheated again. We have a good life and we have a great family closeness. You have 3 young children and your continued success in R will be so valuable to them in their development. Children can grow up from broken homes and have a good life but I think that the original parents that have a good and healthy relationship is an advantage for the children in most cases.




> Trust must be rebuilt over time. Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is built on works.


I think that your words above are words of wisdom. My guess is that you are fairly strong in mind, emotions, and spirit. If you have read some of my posts you know that I am very consistent about suggesting that the BS build them selves up. In fact you seem to have been able to also help build your wife up. That is outstanding!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> > Trust must be rebuilt over time. Forgiveness is based on grace. Trust is built on works.
> 
> 
> I think that your words above are words of wisdom.


Indeed. Very Rick Warren-esque.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

EKDAD, good points made by you and from your post I am guessing that you understand that you need to continue to be vigilant - trust but verify, sort of thing.

The book you have read is not a bad one, but sometimes its like taking an aspirin when you need morphine and an amputation. I hope that's not the case with you.

I am glad that she is being completely transparent with you - I guess the natural cynics here would say to be watchful for burner phones and other means of communication. Being a SAHM does not prevent affairs.

So a few questions if I may:


What did she say (uncover, find) was the main reason for the affair ? This is often a very telling response. Did she say that you were in some way partially responsible ?

Did she admit to the POSOM dumping her ?

What did she say would have happened if you hadn't caught her (and then caught her again) ?

How can you be 100% sure that you have the full truth ?

What did she come up with (by herself, without you asking her) to make you feel more secure and trusting and loved ?

I am sure that there are many other questions but these would be foremost in my mind to start with.

In any case I genuinely wish you the best of luck and happiness.


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## nanofaan (Aug 1, 2014)

did I miss something here? Was it physical also or just emotional ?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

nanofaan said:


> did I miss something here? Was it physical also or just emotional ?


Yes physical!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You could be right, Forest. Good people cheat. It happens. Humans are programmed to have sex. Giving in to instinct is not all that difficult.


I'm not trying to be overly broadminded, really.

Mostly, to me, its that EKDAD is a forgiving type that is capable of putting something like this behind him. Many men aren't.

So, from that standpoint, Ekdad is lucky; he won't stew over this, when he has every right to. He won't feel dead inside, furious, betrayed, humiliated. Or if he does, he'll be able to turn off those feelings, and focus on something more positive.

I'd say he is rather unique. If Ekdad can do it, can others? Probably. Can all, or even most? Less likely. Its like being left-handed, or double jointed.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

So, if we all seem to see the same thing, why not point it out for OP to consider as a precaution.

Is collective wisdom to be moderated out of our opinions..?

OK, then ban me for changing my mind.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EKDAD said:


> Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading.
> For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and *spy wannabe's *why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem. She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like ****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation, and if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play *doucher spy*




Alrighty then, good luck with that.

But I do have to point out that your bolded comments are uncalled for, especially since you sought it fit to spy on her phone yourself. You can't denigrate others after you decided to snoop on her yourself. Just sayin.

The people here are trying to help you. If you have a predetermined outcome that you want for yourself, then don't ask the questions. Just do what you want to do and be done with it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

EKDAD said:


> I apologize for my negative response towards some of your advise.





EKDAD said:


> Let me be clear now, so all the one dimensional thinkers can follow


 You started off your post saying "I apologize for my negative response towards some of your advise", and then near the end of the very same post you say "Let me be clear now, so all the one dimensional thinkers can follow". Once again you contradict your own words in the very same post.

As one of your "one dimensional thinkers", I would like to say that every single cheated on spouse that has posted to this site while they were in false reconciliation, has in every case assured us that their cheating spouse is different and that our advise does not apply. This happens every single time. We hope you are right, but until more time has pasted, we do not assume that you are.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

#waves

Just not going there. Hope all turns out well.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So it seems that there are a lot of folks here that do not like to see that someone feels that they are doing well in reconciliation.


No No, sorry but there is a big difference between not wanting someone to reconcile and not wanting someone to rugsweep and fool himself.

Ele, are you seriouslyy saying that the next process can be diggested and settled by all parts in less than a 4 week period:

- BS suspects wife is cheating
- BS finds evidence
- BS oges in an emtoiona turmoil gather evidence and confronts WS
- WS accepts affair
- WS decides he/she wants to stay with BS.
- WS shut downs any kind of communication with OM/OW
- WS and BS work together in their realtionship problems.
- WS deals with the fact that he/she hand to cut the affair partner and BS deals with hte mixed feelings of hate and love.
- Both finally realize they are better togehter than apart.
- Both work in their healing process which will require time plus work in the original issues that made ws to seek an affair partner.
- Both now can say that they are rconciled.

*all this process in just 4 weeks?, I dont think so* we have tammers like Chris and Acoa that were pro reconcilation and years later are leaving their partners and you want to believe that a reconcilation is almost done in just 4 weeks? 

Not a healthy reconcilarion for sure


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

EKDAD said:


> *I am new to this site, but I am need of advice/support*.
> 
> Apparently this turned out not to be the case.
> 
> Nearly 1 month ago I learned my wife had been having an affair with her coworker. I had suspicions so one morning before work *1: I checked her phone* and found some "I miss you, wish you were here" type texts. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. *2: She said it was over and she had already chosen to end it* and move with me to our new home in a different town. I told her I forgive her and we will move on. She says she doesn't know if she loves me or not anymore but wishes to try to find love again save our marriage and keep our family together (we have 3 kids). It has been a rough month. I find less and less "triggers" that remind me of the affair and we are more or less happy most days. Sex life has improved, but is still not as frequent as I would like. *3: She said she would not talk to him again but last week I found out he had texted her and they texted back and forth for a couple days.* She vows it was friend type talk, "how are you doing? hows the new job?" type stuff but I know she had feelings for him and she has told me it is hard not talking to him when they had spent so much time together at work. I am really struggling to try to trust her again. *4: I constantly find myself checking her phone, email, call logs, anything I can think of.* I have also had her delete all pictures and everything to do with him from her facebook and computer. I feel so terrible constantly checking in on her and *5: she is very annoyed that I do it*. *6: She acts like it never happened and I don't know if she is just way better at moving on or what*? *7: I guess what I would like advice on is how to know if she really is committed to saving this marriage and how I can go about putting this behind me without needing to constantly check up on her?* Thank you in advance for ANY thoughts, input or advice.


1:To continue this was the advice you received.
2 & 3:After choosing to end it and agreeing to not speak with him again she again has contact. This was the reason for the no contact letter/phone call advice. She was/is feeling the loss of a lover, not a co-worker. Also she "vowed" it was friend talk, did she not also vow to forsake all others till death do us part?
4: Doucher spy?
5: Annoyed that she has to be transparent.
6. This was what posters warned you about rugsweeping.
7. This is what posters here provided based on the vast amount of cases seen here on CWI.



EKDAD said:


> *1: Thanks for the advise, but it was nearly all useless and I'm so thankful that I followed my gut*. We read a book together and talked and went into detail about her affair and what caused it and moved into how to improve our marriage. It has worked great! We finally communicate on the same level and work together to achieve our goals. Yes things aren't perfect, but she loves me completely again and the spark between us has been reignited. We are in love and happy about where our future is heading.
> *2: For all you car buggers, phone tappers, and spy wannabe's why don't you try nutting up and use communication with the woman who betrayed you and find the root of the problem*. *3: She knows what she did, what's the point in shoving it in her face? She'll just resent you further for making her feel more like *****. Every woman is different and handles guilt differently. *4: Communication is the only way to learn how to proceed with reconciliation*, and *5: if she is a sneaky lie about it all to your face kind of girl then she ain't worth getting back together with, and neither are you if you try to play doucher spy*


1: Thanks for nothing is how this is interpreted.
2: The reason that most posters are not "nutting up", as you call it, is because that in these situations a condition known as "trickle truthing" makes it impossible to get to the "root issue", hence the need for more "doucher spying".
3: After true remorse the WS will not see it as "shoving it in their face" but rather as them having to own what they did and they do it willingly.
4: This statement is absolutely true if you are getting 100% honesty. Communication based on untruths can be more damaging than none at all.
5: Again a true statement in that if she is lying there is no chance of R and as for the "doucher" spy comment, it exposed your WW's A and possibly saved your marriage so to denigrate it's importance is contradictory.

EK,
You have completely repaired your marriage with open and honest communication and that is fantastic. You are in a very, very small number of BS's that have accomplished this. The advice that you were given is/was based on the norms of WS's that are described here in great numbers. Nearly all of them exhibit similar characteristics and yours was no exception.

All rules have exceptions and yours may indeed be one, so the advice that you received, although sound for almost all instances, may not have been necessary in your case. However, your condescension and arrogance is not warranted nor received well by the many that have gone through this process but had to take the "long way round" since truth and openness were not as forthcoming as in your case.

I wish you well and hope your R is successful. I would suggest that if you ever need to return to a forum such as this that you try to bear in mind that you are going there asking for advice.

Happy new year to you and yours.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

manticore said:


> No No, sorry but there is a big difference between not wanting someone to reconcile and not wanting someone to rugsweep and fool himself.
> 
> Ele, are you seriouslyy saying that the next process can be diggested and settled by all parts in less than a 4 week period:
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


R in 4 weeks?
Workplace affair
WW still works with OM

We see people like this every so often, they come for help, reject that help, and then is rude to those that they asked for help. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. He knows it all alright. Very easy to go underground. I wish I bookmarked those threads where the BS is just like this guy, then later finds out that it just went underground because he refused to verify anything through monitoring, but had the nerve to insult those who do monitor.

Don't waste anymore time on this guy


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

manticore said:


> No No, sorry but there is a big difference between not wanting someone to reconcile and not wanting someone to rugsweep and fool himself.
> 
> Ele, are you seriouslyy saying that the next process can be diggested and settled by all parts in less than a 4 week period:
> 
> ...


You might have misread. Look at the date of the OP (June 2014). OP made two posts, disappeared, then reappeared a few days ago to share his experience since. From what I can gather, they've been in reconciliation for 6 months post DD.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

EKDAD said:


> I apologize for my negative response towards some of your advise. I left this site after those first couple posts because of the negative attitude many brought forward as advise to start reconciliation with a wayward spouse, as if there is only one way to do it. I completely disagree. No one here knows my wife and the extent of my situation better than myself. ....


No-one on here knows your wife. That is a very good point. Equally, you do not know anyone elses. "Sorry, but you are all wrong and I am right" is not really an apology. What you are doing does not sound wise from here, but that is squeezed through cyber-space and I am sure there is important stuff that is not appropriate to share here.

It is good to know your way worked. There is no formula that works everytime.


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