# Wife's so called good days



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Bad days = yelling, screaming, blaming me for everything that moves or not.

Good days = pretty much the same, except without the yelling. Just from the second I wake up, I get a list of complaints. You name it. Some make sense, some not. Just a funny example - I have a little toddler, so I am trying to keep the toilet lid down so he can't reach the water (very active kid, of course).

Wife goes into the bathroom, sees the lid DOWN. Says to me "we really need to try to keep the lid down, because it can be dangerous".

Hmm. Yes, and the lid was closed. So what the ???

Like, you have a husband that is being safe, but you can't control your urge to "teach" him something, so you keep on "teaching" even if you see this is already being done?

This goes on and on. In every element. Every time I stay with the kids, a long list of orders - do this, don't do this. Meanwhile, I am a very common sense person, and usually she has no reason in the world to complain.

So she goes out, gives me a long list and lecture as always, I give a tired look, say "I heard" and "I will try", and off she goes.

If she was to write a post here, I can be pretty sure she will complain how her husband never listens to what she says.

Yeah, if you complain all day, you lost me right there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some people thrive on misery and drama. If there isn't any, they will create it or imagine it. The greatest fear in their life is to live in peace. The best way to cure a drama queen (or king) is to not reward them. Tell them clearly the behavior you won't tolerate (yelling, disrespect, etc). If you hear it, leave. They will figure out that if they don't want to be alone all the time, they will behave like human beings. People need to vent, they need to communicate, but there is an adult, productive way to do that. I didn't marry an 8 year old and I'm not accepting 8 year old behavior. The flip side of that is I have to make sure I don't give the same sorts of behavior I say I won't tolerate. I treat my wife with respect and I expect the same. We teach people how to treat us. If your wife is an accusing, controlling, unreasonable heifer, it's because she's learned that being that way gets some sort of result that she wants. Nobody promoted her to "boss". If she believes she is your "boss" it's because you've been acting like her subordinate.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Reflect on yourself a little -- is she ALWAYS blaming you for stuff you didn't actually do wrong, or is she right sometimes? Half the time? Seventy five percent of the time? Are you a defensive person? Do you tend to make excuses? Excuse-making and nitpicking can tend to feed each other in a vicious cycle in relationships. My wife is a bit like your wife, but I genuinely find that when I am more conscientious and show her that I can handle more responsibility, she actually does complain less -- when I am absent-minded it makes her anxious, and when I am conscientious it puts her at ease.

Women are very protective of their children especially, and often feel like they have more ownership of the way things should be done with them than their husbands do. 

All that said, there are still times when you need to put your foot down. If she is treating you like an employee and not appreciating you, you need to have a firm talk with her about it, not in a reactive way, and outside the presence of your toddler.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> Bad days = yelling, screaming, blaming me for everything that moves or not.
> 
> Good days = pretty much the same, except without the yelling. Just from the second I wake up, I get a list of complaints. You name it. Some make sense, some not. Just a funny example - I have a little toddler, so I am trying to keep the toilet lid down so he can't reach the water (very active kid, of course).
> 
> ...


I know some folks do this because they are angry with themselves. They didn't think of it first and feel ashamed so they say it in a condescending manner, as if you are so smart. They usually feel like an idiot for not thinking of it first and are just taking it out on you.



> Like, you have a husband that is being safe, but you can't control your urge to "teach" him something, so you keep on "teaching" even if you see this is already being done?
> 
> This goes on and on. In every element. Every time I stay with the kids, a long list of orders - do this, don't do this. Meanwhile, I am a very common sense person, and usually she has no reason in the world to complain.
> 
> ...


Listen to her list. I bet it's all stuff you did that she thinks makes you better than her. She feels inferior for not thinking of these things first. It's even more hurtful because she is the mother and probably believes she should instinctively know what to do. You are proving her to be, in her mind, an inferior mother. I wonder if she talks with another woman about this and thinks you two are in some kind of contest to see who is more capable of raising your child? Just my guess.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I treat my wife with respect and I expect the same. .


I always say the same. But it doesn't help me. I used to fight with her every time she talked to me this way, explained 100's of times how she must balance her constant comments with some compliments, shows of love, appreciation. Nada.

At some point, you just grow tired and stop commenting. I am there now.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Reflect on yourself a little -- is she ALWAYS blaming you for stuff you didn't actually do wrong, or is she right sometimes? .


She is right many times. And wrong many others. That doesn't take away from the fact that constant comments are making her just a nudge, and I am just sick and tired of it. So even when she is right, I have no more energy to deal with it.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> I know some folks do this because they are angry with themselves. They didn't think of it first and feel ashamed so they say it in a condescending manner, as if you are so smart. They usually feel like an idiot for not thinking of it first and are just taking it out on you.


I guess you make an interesting point. Didn't think of it before.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> She is right many times. And wrong many others. That doesn't take away from the fact that constant comments are making her just a nudge, and I am just sick and tired of it. So even when she is right, I have no more energy to deal with it.


If you usually make a lot of mistakes, people are more likely to pick on you at times when you haven't actually made a mistake, it's human nature. And if you react defensively or make excuses ("Whaddya mean? I was going to do it later!" etc.), it can just fuel the anger. 

Try to slow down your emotional reaction a little when she comments. Ask yourself "is she really just telling me this because she wants to nitpick me? Is it possible that she's actually just wants to make sure that our child is (properly dressed, fed, safe, etc.)?" Maybe you aren't doing enough to make her feel secure about your ability to handle things and you need to step up a little. It's hard to tell, because I'm only getting your limited version of things. But when I hear a guy say "My wife never leaves me alone about emptying the dishwasher," I think "Well one way you could avoid that is just to empty the dishwasher before she bugs you about it."


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

I can relate to this. My wife acted the exact same way after our second child was born. Fact is, she sees you as another needy child. She has forgotten that she is a wife first and a mother second. You need to up your assertiveness and remind her she has a husband who has legitimate needs, and if she can't accept her role as a wife your marriage is headed for disaster.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

John Lee said:


> But when I hear a guy say "My wife never leaves me alone about emptying the dishwasher," I think "Well one way you could avoid that is just to empty the dishwasher before she bugs you about it."


But that doesn't explain her redundant behavior of telling him to keep the toilet seat down, when it was already down. That's a sign that someone is nagging simply because they want to.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Theseus said:


> But that doesn't explain her redundant behavior of telling him to keep the toilet seat down, when it was already down.


We can always think of one time when the other person was wrong.

My experience is that you're less likely to get bugged about "every little thing" when you're actually pulling your weight.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Has she always been this way? What are her parents like? Are they controlling, critical, do they drink too much? Sometimes children of alcoholics are neglected as children and become a bit too controlling when they are older. Do you think counseling would help her? What about going through the book "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> She is right many times. And wrong many others. That doesn't take away from the fact that constant comments are making her just a nudge, and I am just sick and tired of it. So even when she is right, I have no more energy to deal with it.


You give up? This situation is really sad for your child. Is your wife right because you don't do things HER way or do you really fumble through life making real mistakes and putting everyone in danger? You said you had a good amount of common sense so it didn't sound as though you were wrong just perhaps you do not do everything exactly the way SHE wants. 

If you give up your wife will never understand and change the fact that she is the one setting a terrible example for your child. Is that really how you want your child raised in a home where mom yells daily about insignificant things? Your wife also needs to understand that part of being a good mother is letting your husband be a father. Fathers (men) do things differently and children should be exposed to how both parents do things they then get the understanding that its not right or wrong, just different. 

Thank goodness I read all this before I had a child, I had to reign myself in when X did things and let him do them totally his way. I used to take a diaper bag loaded with everything, everywhere we went. When my X took our toddler to the beach he stashed a diaper and a few wipes in his truck and left. He'd come home shirtless, as he used the shirt off his back to wipe ice cream off our son. Kid was shirtless cause dad was shirtless, both happy and thats all that mattered. Not the way I would do it but not wrong by any means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> Thank goodness I read all this before I had a child, I had to reign myself in when X did things and let him do them totally his way. I used to take a diaper bag loaded with everything, everywhere we went. When my X took our toddler to the beach he stashed a diaper and a few wipes in his truck and left. He'd come home shirtless, as he used the shirt off his back to wipe ice cream off our son. Kid was shirtless cause dad was shirtless, both happy and thats all that mattered. Not the way I would do it but not wrong by any means.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a good point. When my wife went back to work I had to take on more responsibility for our child. I stepped up, and I also did things my way. My wife saw that it worked, and she backed off on a lot of the nagging, because ultimately I was being responsible with our child and our child was happy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Don't argue with the woman. That might well be what she's looking for as a reward. If she forces a passionate response from you, she's in the lead. Only crazy people argue alone, so if she violates your boundaries, walk out. She can argue with herself and be in charge of everyone she surveys...nobody. If your rule is that you will live in an environment of respect and peace and you argue with her, you're violating your own rule. No man can out-talk a woman. Attempting to do so is like a mule challenging a dolphin to a swimming contest.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Let's face it Josh it sounds like your wife gets caught up in "the thick of thin things". Call her on it and set a boundary. Life is to short. Let her know your patience is running thin with this and continuing her behavior may have dramatic ramifications on your marriage.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> You have a husband that is being safe, but you can't control your urge to "teach" him something, so you keep on "teaching" even if you see this is already being done?


Josh, as Kathy Batesel and I discussed with you earlier -- e.g., my 10/28/12 and 6/29/13 posts and Kathy's 6/4/13 post -- many of the behaviors you describe are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this because, if your W has strong traits of BPD, her pointless and endless "teaching" is easy to explain. BPDers typically do this faultfinding -- often thinly disguised as "teaching" -- to continually validate their false self images of always being _"The Victim."_

As I tried to explain at a link I gave you earlier (at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522), BPDers are so determined to validate that false self image that they typically will stay in the marriage only if you play one of two roles. The first is _"The Savior,"_ a role you played during the courtship period. As soon as the BPDer's infatuation over you evaporates, the only remaining role you can play is _"The Perpetrator,"_ the source of all her unhappiness. Importantly, this means you will be blamed both for misfortunes that occur as well as for those that are simply imagined.

On top of that, a BPDer is incapable of ever really trusting you (absent years of therapy). Why, then, should your W -- if she has strong BPD traits -- ever trust that you have learned your lesson about keeping the toilet lid down? As I noted, the BPDer is not driven by a need to teach you anything but, rather, by a need to continually validate her false self image of being "The Victim." 

The result of this lack of trust is that, even when she sees that the lid is down, you STILL cannot be trusted to repeat that behavior. Similarly, even when you demonstrate over and over again that you love and adore her, you STILL cannot be trusted to keep loving her.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Josh, as Kathy Batesel and I discussed with you earlier -- e.g., my 10/28/12 and 6/29/13 posts and Kathy's 6/4/13 post -- many of the behaviors you describe are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this because, if your W has strong traits of BPD, her pointless and endless "teaching" is easy to explain. BPDers typically do this faultfinding -- often thinly disguised as "teaching" -- to continually validate their false self images of always being _"The Victim."_
> 
> As I tried to explain at a link I gave you earlier (at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522), BPDers are so determined to validate that false self image that they typically will stay in the marriage only if you play one of two roles. The first is _"The Savior,"_ a role you played during the courtship period. As soon as the BPDer's infatuation over you evaporates, the only remaining role you can play is _"The Perpetrator,"_ the source of all her unhappiness. Importantly, this means you will be blamed both for misfortunes that occur as well as for those that are simply imagined.
> 
> ...


Whoa! This kind of internet second-hand diagnosing is REALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. BPD is a very serious disorder, you have no business suggesting this based on one described incident.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

John Lee said:


> Whoa! This kind of internet second-hand diagnosing is REALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. BPD is a very serious disorder, you have no business suggesting this based on one described incident.


JohnLee, I made no attempt to diagnose anyone. I've never even met Josh's W and I am not a psychologist. Rather, what I did was to observe that some of the behaviors Josh describes are on the list of traits for BPD. That is a factual statement.

If you go back to Josh's threads in 2012 and earlier this year, you will find that I have been encouraging Josh to _"see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your kids are dealing with" _(my 10/28/12 post). 

I also have encouraged him to read about BPD traits so as to be able to spot the warning signs by learning what red flags to look for. I am confident that Josh is sufficiently intelligent to be able to spot these warning signs. 

My confidence in Josh and other laymen is shared by hundreds of the best hospitals and mental health institutions. They are trying to educate the lay public about these symptoms by describing BPD traits on their websites. They know that, when the public is better educated about the warning signs, they are far more likely to seek professional help when the need arises -- and will do so far more quickly.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You look at any list of "traits" for a disorder on the internet, and you can find some of them that match anyone. I just read through a bunch of his old posts, and I see a description of a woman that may be a very difficult person at times, but I don't see the kinds of extreme behaviors associated with BPD -- unless you can point me to something I'm missing. And what I also see is a guy who comes to the internet an awful lot to "vent" about every single one of his wife's flaws, but who doesn't seem to think there could be anything he does wrong as well. What kind of partner do you think that makes you, that you feel a constant need to criticize her behind her back to strangers?

I saw at least a couple of times where you were probably in the wrong -- letting your kid cry while you sat and ate, giving your kid a popsicle instead of dinner, etc. Which doesn't make you a bad guy or a bad father, but stop acting like you're just this poor victim who has no idea why your wife keeps hitting you with all these completely unreasonable complaints. Like I said, it sounds like you're not doing enough to give her peace of mind that you can handle things, and that you're being very defensive about every complaint -- always having "reasons" for the way you do everything, dismissing her complaints whether they're legitimate or not.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

And just to be clear, that doesn't mean she isn't ALSO wrong, or that she isn't picking on you too much. But stop "venting" about her and start looking at the part you play.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

John Lee said:


> You look at any list of "traits" for a disorder on the internet, and you can find some of them that match anyone.


I agree, JohnLee. Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means that everyone has all of the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether Josh's W exhibits the BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most of those traits at strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the higher end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. But I am confident that Josh is capable of spotting strong occurrences of BPD traits. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about red flags such as frequent temper tantrums, strong verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," inability to do self-soothing, inability to trust, child-like behavior, and rapid Jekyll-Hyde transformations between loving you and hating you. Josh has been describing those dysfunctional behaviors in his nearly 300 posts, starting in July 2011.


> I just read through a bunch of his old posts, and I see a description of a woman that may be a very difficult person at times, but I don't see the kinds of extreme behaviors associated with BPD -- unless you can point me to something I'm missing.


As I explained above, I cannot know whether the BPD traits Josh is describing are strong enough to constitute having the full-blown disorder. Indeed, as I noted, I don't even know whether his W's BPD traits are actually strong because I've never met her. In any event, it did not matter what I thought because, as Josh conceded last June, he had essentially ignored my October post encouraging him to read about BPD traits. 

What caught his attention was Kathy Batesel's 6/4/13 post giving him a link to her blog describing BPD traits. After reading that information, Josh concluded that his W exhibits strong BPD traits based on what he's seen (see his 6/30/13 post). Importantly, this does not imply Josh was able to "diagnose" his W's issues. Only professionals can do that. Instead, Josh simply decided that she was exhibiting the warning signs at a strong level.

Josh is able to do that because there is a world of difference between _diagnosing _BPD and simply _spotting warning signs_. Before Josh graduated high school, he already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. He could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. He could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And he could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. 

Similarly, Josh is able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur. There is nothing subtle about frequent temper tantrums and strong verbal abuse. Whether his W actually has full-blown BPD, however, is something that only a professional can determine.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> You give up? This situation is really sad for your child. Is your wife right because you don't do things HER way or do you really fumble through life making real mistakes and putting everyone in danger? You said you had a good amount of common sense so it didn't sound as though you were wrong just perhaps you do not do everything exactly the way SHE wants.
> 
> If you give up your wife will never understand and change the fact that she is the one setting a terrible example for your child. Is that really how you want your child raised in a home where mom yells daily about insignificant things? Your wife also needs to understand that part of being a good mother is letting your husband be a father. Fathers (men) do things differently and children should be exposed to how both parents do things they then get the understanding that its not right or wrong, just different.
> 
> ...


You have a lot of "your wife needs to understand" and as if I can change her.

Talk. To. The. Wall.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Uptown said:


> Josh, as Kathy Batesel and I discussed with you earlier -- e.g., my 10/28/12 and 6/29/13 posts and Kathy's 6/4/13 post -- many of the behaviors you describe are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this because, if your W has strong traits of BPD, her pointless and endless "teaching" is easy to explain. BPDers typically do this faultfinding -- often thinly disguised as "teaching" -- to continually validate their false self images of always being _"The Victim."_
> 
> As I tried to explain at a link I gave you earlier (at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522), BPDers are so determined to validate that false self image that they typically will stay in the marriage only if you play one of two roles. The first is _"The Savior,"_ a role you played during the courtship period. As soon as the BPDer's infatuation over you evaporates, the only remaining role you can play is _"The Perpetrator,"_ the source of all her unhappiness. Importantly, this means you will be blamed both for misfortunes that occur as well as for those that are simply imagined.
> 
> ...


Well, sir, yes. I do owe you a huge thank you for pushing me to learn more about it. I have read plenty, and do believe that indeed, this is the case. I have even shared my thoughts with a family member - her brother - who agrees with me...

Still,


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> You have a lot of "your wife needs to understand" and as if I can change her.
> 
> Talk. To. The. Wall.


Great attitude. If you cant change your situation or your wife and like my first sentence says, you give up. Then why complain about your situation. Accept it or leave seems your only options.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I just sense that something is missing from this story. It seems like for at least a couple of years josh has been checked out and distanced from his wife emotionally, trying to "manage" his relationship instead of be fully in it. I can't know what's really going on, I only know what he says. But what I do see is that he keeps coming back here to escape and "vent." Maybe his wife is angry because she senses that he's not fully there. This is kind of a chicken or egg thing, but how do we know that josh isn't also fueling his wife's anger and frustration? Maybe they are caught in a vicious cycle, feeding each other's problems. Absent-mindedness and escapism sometimes go hand-in-hand, so I'm wondering if josh might have behaviors that fuel the problem. Maybe she's wrong to be "teaching" him about the toilet seat, but on the other hand, maybe she's doing it because of the fifty other things he's been absent-minded about. I wonder what josh's wife would say.

Anyway, what concerns me, josh, is that you talk about your wife like there is a wall between you. You have come to see her as a problem in your life that has to be kept under control, rather than a partner. I only have limited information, so I can't know how much of this is her and how much is you. Maybe she can't be a good partner. But maybe you are not fully committing to being a good partner to her, to making the marriage a priority. Is she a good mother? Is she overall a reliable person? Does she have any qualities you admire? Did you get married for good reasons in the first place? Do you have something to work with here or are the basic materials completely defective? When there are kids, I really believe in committing to work with the imperfect materials you have, as long as there is something to work with. But you have to decide whether you're in or out at some point -- coming back here over and over again as a "release valve" is not really going to solve anything. If you're in, you have to work with what you have, and you have to commit to it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Just to add my own perspective -- my wife has an anxiety disorder. I used to bang my head against the wall getting frustrated with all of the difficulties this could bring about. For example, she absolutely needed to eat at certain times or she would lose it. And there are certain things she just has to have done a certain way in order to feel safe and secure. I used to get angry about it -- "Why do I have to do things this way, and why do I get **** about it when I don't do them that way?" But at some point I said to myself "Ok, this is who my wife is. I love her very much, and she has all these great qualities, but she also comes with these difficulties. So I can make concessions to the difficulties or I can keep banging my head against the wall, or I can leave." So we plan around her eating right away when she's hungry, and we do certain things her way, and we're both happier for it, and closer too.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> Bad days = yelling, screaming, blaming me for everything that moves or not.
> 
> Good days = pretty much the same, except without the yelling. Just from the second I wake up, I get a list of complaints. You name it. Some make sense, some not. Just a funny example - I have a little toddler, so I am trying to keep the toilet lid down so he can't reach the water (very active kid, of course).
> 
> ...


First of all, sighing and accepting that crap is not going to help you. Call her out on it every time. Second, give her a taste of her own medicine. Teach her a thing or two, or three, or a hundred.

If she is always on your case about stuff, she's mothering you. Are you acting grown up? Is she? If she's just trying to put you in your place without you having done something wrong, don't put up with it. For example, when she started talking about the toilet seat being down, you should have said something, called her out on it, "It IS down!". It's like she was just looking for any excuse to complain, and when she couldn't find one, she made one up.

If she's taking her bad-day out on you, deal with it. Tell her she needs to stop. If you continue to put up with it she will actually lose respect for you because you don't stand up for yourself.

No offense, but she sounds like a biotch, and she's treating you like her biotch. Don't be your wife's biotch. A list of complaint from the second you get up? That's not normal. It's like she is trying to control everything you do and how you do it...and you have been letting her control...and now that she has been directing your life, she doesn't treat you with much respect because she feels like she HAS to continue to direct your life. You are now a burden to deal with. 

Try doing things your way, and telling her how you would like some things done. Try wearing the pants for a change. I bet your wife wanted to marry a man, so be a man. When she gets pissy about nothing, check that chit right away. Why would you EVER let that go?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

tulsy said:


> First of all, sighing and accepting that crap is not going to help you. Call her out on it every time. Second, give her a taste of her own medicine. Teach her a thing or two, or three, or a hundred.
> 
> If she is always on your case about stuff, she's mothering you. Are you acting grown up? Is she? If she's just trying to put you in your place without you having done something wrong, don't put up with it. For example, when she started talking about the toilet seat being down, you should have said something, called her out on it, "It IS down!". It's like she was just looking for any excuse to complain, and when she couldn't find one, she made one up.


Sorry, but what you're suggesting is defensive, reactive behavior. It is the exact opposite of being assertive and "manly." The better thing to do would be to talk about it with her after in a firm manner: "I am not going to tolerate the way you talk to me in front of our children. If you have something you need to tell me, you need to tell me in a respectful way." etc.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Sorry, but what you're suggesting is defensive, reactive behavior. It is the exact opposite of being assertive and "manly." The better thing to do would be to talk about it with her after in a firm manner: "I am not going to tolerate the way you talk to me in front of our children. If you have something you need to tell me, you need to tell me in a respectful way." etc.


If you say so....I'd say the exact opposite of "manly" is what he's currently doing, "I will try". I wouldn't be waiting to deal with this later. He says the moment he gets up she's got a list of complaints...I would be dealing with it right then, right there. If she complains about the toilet seat not being down, but it is down, you don't wait to talk about that.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

tulsy said:


> If you say so....I'd say the exact opposite of "manly" is what he's currently doing, "I will try". I wouldn't be waiting to deal with this later. He says the moment he gets up she's got a list of complaints...I would be dealing with it right then, right there. If she complains about the toilet seat not being down, but it is down, you don't wait to talk about that.


Reacting to every little irritating behavior can be almost as bad as the behavior. Snapping back in front of your kids is not a good example, nor is it going to do anything to help, it just perpetuates the cycle. So she told him the toilet seat needed to be kept down when it was down. So what? It's not like she said "Hey idiot, keep the toilet seat down." She didn't yell at him. She didn't berate him, she just said she thinks it's a good idea to keep it down. Maybe it was unnecessary "teaching" but in isolation it doesn't seem like something worth reacting to. If the overall tone of the way she speaks is disrespectful, he needs to address it face to face with her in an assertive way, not as a snap reaction to some little nitpicky thing she says. You say "give her a taste of her own medicine" -- you really think that's going to do any good? Have you ever actually tried this approach with anyone?


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