# Why Rug sweeping is not good?



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I would like to understand the logic behind getting all the details about the affair. Why rug-sweeping is NOT good !!! 

What I do understand is that if a WS feels guilty and remorse then out-of-respect for the BS, they'll tell all the details. 

Apart from that what are the other reason for NOT rug sweeping the affair !!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

John2012 said:


> I would like to understand the logic behind getting all the details about the affair. Why rug-sweeping is NOT good !!!
> 
> What I do understand is that if a WS feels guilty and remorse then out-of-respect for the BS, they'll tell all the details.
> 
> Apart from that what are the other reason for NOT rug sweeping the affair !!!



just like most problems, if you ignore it won't go away and will likely fester and become worse. In regards to an affair, it usually enables the affair to restart or continue.

rug sweeping isn't just about details. It's about tackling the problem head on. A WS who isn't remorseful will hope that the affair gets ignored and things go back to the way they were so they don't have face the consequences.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I have noticed there are some major supports here about rug sweeping.

I was somewhere in the middle. I wanted to know, but only to a certain point. I wanted to know enough so I fully got the gist of everything. I have always perferred the "just get it all out and let the chips fall where they may, good or bad" method. People seem to deal better knowing the whole truth rather than a half lie.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

As I see it, the rug-sweeping occurs when the BS doesn't get everything they need detail wise from the WS. The amount of detail needed will vary person to person and situation to situation. If the WS is not willing to give all the needed information, then the R is built on a base of lies, deception, and half truths and can never succeed.

If all the details are not given then later it will/ may cause issues when the BS is triggered and set the marriage back instead of helping it to move forward, as the feelings initially will be felt again due to the rug sweeping.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Details and rug sweeping are different. If you don't want details, that's fine.. but you still don't want to pretend nothing happened, or not talk about it.. ignoring that there's a problem, or that the affair happened, or trying to minimize the destruction is rug sweeping, not avoiding details.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I have noticed there are some major supports here about rug sweeping.
> 
> I was somewhere in the middle. I wanted to know, but only to a certain point. I wanted to know enough so I fully got the gist of everything. I have always perferred the "just get it all out and let the chips fall where they may, good or bad" method. People seem to deal better knowing the whole truth rather than a half lie.


I'm with you.. I needed to know where, when and how often.. no details beyond that for me, I know the rest and how it goes.. I'm not a fool. I don't need it to be verified in words to know what happened. I just wanted to know stuff like what type of affair is this, what was the timeline, what phase is it in now, what are her feelings towards him now, were there others etc.. So I could get my bearings to make decisions based on real information and not lies and deception.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

In another lifetime of mine, I used to manage a chiropractic clinic. The doc was my age...we got along pretty good and he was a smart f'er. Really good at his stuff. Anyway, he was giving a seminar and someone asked, "What about pain meds?"

He smiled and said, "That's a really good question." He reached over to the desk and pulled out a rubber band. He wrapped it around his finger and basically said, "This is the problem". He talked about what the problem was and what the source of the problem was...meanwhile, his finger is turning purple. Like...badly purple.

He goes, "Now, I could take pain medication and that would stop the pain for a bit. I could get massage and that may relieve the pain for a little bit. But it's still there. The problem hasn't been addressed."

You have to remove the source of the pain...the rubber band, if you truly want to heal sh-t. 

In this case, you need to get at the source of the affair and bring it out into the open and talk about it, if you truly want to heal sh-t.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

True story....

A couple I know that has been married for over 30 years. Very early in their marriage the wife cheated... not an involved affair, but more of a partying one night stand kind of thing. Her husband didn't find out, but the guilt was eating her and she was compelled to confess.

She confessed everything, said she knew how wrong what she did was, and begged for forgiveness. The husband listened to her silently, then simply said this.

"I forgive you...now lets never speak of this again."

They never did and have had a long, fulfilling marriage. Is this rugsweeping?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

No, It's not rug sweeping...

What was done was done a long time ago and if he forgave her then it is done. He might know her well enough to realize who she is...

Rug sweeping is usually done at the time around dday... It's been 1.5years and I still get trickle truth. It set me off the other day.

Face the problem head on and deal with it. If you don't get the rubber band off your finger... I like the analogy. It was great.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

NatureDave said:


> True story....
> 
> A couple I know that has been married for over 30 years. Very early in their marriage the wife cheated... not an involved affair, but more of a partying one night stand kind of thing. Her husband didn't find out, but the guilt was eating her and she was compelled to confess.
> 
> ...


No. Not at all.

The concept of rugsweeping is about the WS's attitude towards the affair, not the BS's.

To truly move past an affair a WS has to take ownership of everything they did. They have to be willing to talk about it in order to help the BS heal. They have to be willing to do whatever is necessary to help the BS get past the betrayal in an affair. That is one of the burdens a WS must bear.

Rugsweeping is the act of the WS when they don't WANT to spend time on helping the BS with everything they need. They either don't want to hurt the BS further, they are scared that if they the BS spends more time on thinking about the affair, they'll leave, or they don't TRULY feel remorse or they don't want to face the guilt so they don't want to spend time talking about it.

That's why rugsweeping is bad.

If a BS never needs to talk about the affair BUT the WS was WILLING to do anything and does have true remorse, then it's not rugsweeping.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

What about when a BS believes the WS is not telling the whole truth .. but they really are?

I've noticed a few threads where the BS is insistent that there is more but it actually seems like there isn't (as best it can from a bystander's perspective). Could some "reconcilable" relationships have been saved w/o the hard-core approach?

Not advocating for rug-sweeping here, just thinking out loud.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

A BS does not believe the WS is telling the whole truth for very good reasons. 1, their gut says differently and 2, the WS usually is holding something back... minor insignificant details that really are neither minor nor insignificant.

I'm actually not trying to be jaded, but this is the whole trickle truth part...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Open book. The WS wrote and knows that book inside and out. Motivations, full developed characters, plots, etc. Do you believe an outline ever tells a story? And, what if you are my WW... she didn’t tell the full story, just the story of one of the characters; thinking if he can accept this, that should be enough for him to judge me on. I discovered there was a lot more to the story that goes back to before I even met her. A freaking series of novels was slowly uncovered.

And now, thanks to the rugsweeping, lies, omissions, and manipulations she did; Even the truth isn’t recognized. I get the wonderful job of taking an outline, and developing thousands of new possible stories off of that base plot without really ever knowing or seeing the real book she wrote. This is why I can’t let her in my heart again... 

I know who she is; only an act she projects at me... who is behind the mask has a lot of unknown. So, I do what I can... I write her full character based on the things I know to be true rather than her having much input on it at all. Just filling in the blanks with my own thoughts. Does that sound like a marriage to you or a union of two souls? Nope... it’s fake, made up, fabricated, and my life. I feel as though I know enough to continue the relationship and see progress, however not enough to become attached or rely on it as something for me. 

Btw; If she hadn’t of rugswept a 2002 event I confronted on and really, really dug deep and gone to IC... (Where it went back to 2000, then back to 1987 and yet other things she rugswept and did not resolve internally)... She wouldn’t have become SA, the way she dealt with internal issues would have been different and healthy, and the marriage would be in fantastic shape. 

Actually, we probably would never have gotten together if she had put herself on a good path back then; She saw me as a rescuer and good man to escape herself... Not attraction, but what I represented to her. Over time, that developed into true love for her... Now, she wants to kill herself over all this stupidity and inability to deal with things and throws her into deep depressions. Relying on me, as always, to just hold her hand and show her a path...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ironman said:


> What about when a BS believes the WS is not telling the whole truth .. but they really are?
> 
> I've noticed a few threads where the BS is insistent that there is more but it actually seems like there isn't (as best it can from a bystander's perspective). Could some "reconcilable" relationships have been saved w/o the hard-core approach?
> 
> Not advocating for rug-sweeping here, just thinking out loud.


I've thought the same thing, too...and you're not advocating rug sweeping, IMO. I wrote this thread last year.

Dig's Big Bang Theory of Infidelity


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Another example of why rug sweeping is bad...

I had an EA about a year (might have been two?) after our youngest was born. During this time, my husband was suffering from depression. He learned of the EA, confronted, etc. I said I would stop, he never mentioned it after that point. Never said anything to anyone else, etc. A year later, it happened again. But this time, as mine ended, his began. Since confrontation on both, there has been no more cheating. The difference this time? Exposure. Both are accountable to family and friends (a few close ones, not just acquaintances). I'm a big believer in exposure, no rug sweeping. So I am one who will say expose every time.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I have noticed there are some major supports here about rug sweeping.


:iagree:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ironman said:


> What about when a BS believes the WS is not telling the whole truth .. but they really are?
> 
> I've noticed a few threads where the BS is insistent that there is more but it actually seems like there isn't (as best it can from a bystander's perspective). Could some "reconcilable" relationships have been saved w/o the hard-core approach?
> 
> Not advocating for rug-sweeping here, just thinking out loud.


There's a few problems here though.

1. The BS has an EXTREME amount of reason not to believe the WS. They were just betrayed at one of the deepest levels. They're not going to trust the WS. That's damage caused by the WS. If the relationship is "reconcilable", then the WS has to understand this and bare this cross. My youngest was stung by a bee when he was 1-1/2 on the ear. Hurt a lot. He didn't care if the bug was a bee or a centipede, for 2 years, I had to "talk him off the ledge" if he saw a bug. He's 5 now and loves insects and can even deal with bees etc well. Because I kept on him and kept educating him and didn't "rugsweep" the issue.

2. The BS is going to be paranoid about there being more etc. (much for the same reasons and psychological responses due to the pain as in number 1)

3. If the BS is logical, how many WS tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth after Dday? Less than 5%? They have "proof" that cheaters lie, rugsweep, gaslight and trickle truth.

I see the point you're getting at, but you can't put the healing and reconciliation in the hands of the WS, and finding any justifiable reason to rugsweep or withhold is doing just that.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> There's a few problems here though.
> 
> 1. The BS has an EXTREME amount of reason not to believe the WS. They were just betrayed at one of the deepest levels. They're not going to trust the WS. That's damage caused by the WS. If the relationship is "reconcilable", then the WS has to understand this and bare this cross. My youngest was stung by a bee when he was 1-1/2 on the ear. Hurt a lot. He didn't care if the bug was a bee or a centipede, for 2 years, I had to "talk him off the ledge" if he saw a bug. He's 5 now and loves insects and can even deal with bees etc well. Because I kept on him and kept educating him and didn't "rugsweep" the issue.
> 
> ...


Thanks to this forum, I was able to shut down the rugsweeping, gaslighting and trickle truth... It was painful getting truths that couldn't be 'proven', some stuff you really don't want to hear... but that was the first sign I was getting truth, when she started answering all my questions without hesitation, looking away or hemming and hawing.. I think in a way it released something in her, because I noticed she's trying to not even bend the truth, like she got a job interview (had her quit her job), and she didn't like the job so she told the lady she had another job (she had an interview lined up that she ended up getting, it was a lock).. anyway, she broke down crying after the call because she lied, and said she doesn't want to lie anymore.. thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown, shaking and snots running down her face type of emotion... 

I told her she was right, she should have told the lady she had another interview and wasn't interested in that particular job (placement agency) and if they have anything else in the future to give her a call. That honesty would have left the door open, she closed it with a lie.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Go read S4E's thread for one account of why rug sweeping is dangerous and terribly sad. Therapist said build new memories and they did, on a false bottom. A few months ago the false bottom gave out.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> No. Not at all.
> 
> The concept of rugsweeping is about the WS's attitude towards the affair, not the BS's.
> 
> ...


Well said.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

My ex wife could not help herself from lying. 

I honestly never gave her consequences for telling the truth: only lies.

She lied, then lied some more, then tried to rug sweep, then lied. 

She was told by 2 different counsellors (and me) that lying would end up finishing things.

She still lied.

We are now divorced. She is devastated and I say that with nothing but sorrow as it *could* have worked, but for her lies.

We are living together. For now, but just yesterday I realised a lie she told me some months ago and has not tried to correct.

As soon as I am able (about a month) we will no longer be living together. 

That is why the truth is important. It can save things when all seems lost.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Because they with never respect you again, that is why.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

DavidWYoung said:


> Because they with never respect you again, that is why.


And there are no consequences so they are likely to cheat and repeat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Just to be clear, let's define a few things:

*GASLIGHTING*-- Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse where false information is presented as true in such a way as to make the "victim" doubt their own observation, their own memory or their own perception. A perfect example of this would be if your spouse were missing all of January 1st, came stumbling home January 2nd, and you have a recording your spouse on January 2nd talking in their own car to another person saying they had sex, and they try to tell you "No you're mistaken. I said that on January 3rd and remember WE had sex that night before, so I was talking about that!" You KNOW what you have, but they are trying to spin the false information to make you doubt your own self. 

*RUGSWEEPING*-- Rugsweeping is a form of denial. Either the Loyal Spouse or the Disloyal Spouse can do this, and basically it is named after the idea of sweeping dirt under the rug, so that it's not really clean at all...just hidden! Same here. The issues in the marriage are not addressed. There is no real repentance by the Disloyal Spouse ... or the Loyal Spouse just pretends that "now that the Disloyal is back everything can go back to normal." It's fake. 

*RECONCILIATION*-- Reconciliation is when two things occur: 1) the Disloyal Spouse is truly repentant and does a complete about-face regarding the affair, taking complete personal responsibility, and 2) the Loyal Spouse truly acknowledges the issues and forgives the Disloyal, working on making the marriage a place that is mutually intimate and loving. If both things don't occur, then reconciliation can not occur. (Now... they could continue to live together and co-parent but it would not be a "marriage" relationship--it would be like roommates. ) 

It is entirely possible in reconciliation that the Loyal Spouse may want to know every single detail about the affair, the other person, each sexual contact, etc. But it is equally possible that the Loyal Spouse may consider it enough to know that their spouse was unfaithful and have reason to believe that is no longer the case--some sort of provable evidence--and be willing to move on from there and rebuild trust. Each Loyal Spouse is different. But overall the following concepts remain the same:

Gaslighting tries to present false info as true--this does not lead to recovery.
Rugsweeping denies that there was a problem and pretends everything is okay--this also does not lead to recovery.
Reconciliation acknowledges the problems, each party looks at their own self, each party does their own work AND does the work to build the marriage, but the level of details may vary--this DOES lead to recovery.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

For me the lack of provided details and lies were what finished us. My XW lied her a$$ off and only responded with anger when I showed her proof. Then she only admitted to what I could prove and blamed me for it. No remorse, no willingness to work to save the marriage she fought bitterly with me. She was only worried about trying to save ??? face maybe? Who the hell knows. I doubt she does.

For me, it would have been the only remaining gesture of decency that she could have done and the first step towards rebuilding some credibility for her in my eyes. Perhaps the details were so bad that it was hopeless. But I doubt it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Infidelity is now part of the marriage, so learn from it and face it head on!

I mean how else are the two of you going to learn a damn thing from all of this unless you both face this a deal with talking about the painful reality of it?

I say open this can of worms wide open and educate the both of you and find out what makes it tick so you guys can avoid it.


I say look infidelity in the eye and face it head on and tell it to phuck off......"you got me once, you aint going to get me again"


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> My ex wife could not help herself from lying.
> 
> I honestly never gave her consequences for telling the truth: only lies.
> 
> ...


This is the only reason I'm working on R with my wife... she finally stopped with the lies and came clean on everything. It's huge at a time when you're trust is shattered.. Smartest move she's made in a long time...


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I was the OW... My FAP and his W rugswept after DDay. She even allowed him to coerce him to allow us to still be friends, even after looking up the definition of an EA... Knowing if nothing ever happened again, he was still in an EA. This denial allowed the PA to go on much, much longer. Rugsweeping is never a good option imo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John2012 said:


> I would like to understand the logic behind getting all the details about the affair. Why rug-sweeping is NOT good !!!
> 
> What I do understand is that if a WS feels guilty and remorse then out-of-respect for the BS, they'll tell all the details.
> 
> Apart from that what are the other reason for NOT rug sweeping the affair !!!


Rug sweeping is not about not getting details of the affair.

It's about pretending that nothing happened and not making the necessary changes in the marriage to rebuild trust, help the BS heal and restructure the marriage to help revent future infidelity.


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