# The Betrayed Spouse Fog



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I JUST realized tonight that this is a thing.

Brief recap: Married 25 years with a 13-year-old son. WH moved out in May. I found out about his affair in February. Turns out he'd been seeing her since the previous September.

Tonight, it dawned on me that when he moved out, he took several pairs of leather and suede pants and boots we had bought together for me years ago - in some cases, when we still lived up north many years ago - with him. It wasn't obvious to me at first, I rationalize now, because the pants were size 6 and 8, and I'd been wearing a 10 for years (as 5'7" women in their 40s and 50s will tend to do), and because one doesn't wear leather boots in Florida very often. But now I am a size 6 again - due mostly to abject stress, not because I dieted on purpose - and wouldn't mind wearing one of those pairs of suede pants I'm particularly fond of when the weather gets cool enough. And it's gone. 

WTF? 

I can't believe I didn't notice this sooner.

On the plus side, more validation that divorcing this pathological liar and cheater is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. On the minus side, I realize I've been duped yet again by him - that his lies are the gift that keeps on giving, and that I can't trust anything he says or does in relation to our son.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> I can't believe I didn't notice this sooner.
> 
> On the plus side, more validation that divorcing this pathological liar and cheater is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. On the minus side, I realize I've been duped yet again by him - that his lies are the gift that keeps on giving, and that I can't trust anything he says or does in relation to our son.




*hug*


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

If you really think about it, you likely wouldn't want anything that has the stench of him on it or otherwise attached to it. You weren't duped when he steals it from your closet and ain't a friggin material thing he give you that can't be replaced. And gain the weight back. Women with curves are so much more attractive. :wink2:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thanks, MR. I admire and respect you, because you are clearly truly remorseful for your infidelity and are working earnestly to rebuild your marriage.

This one professes to still love me "very much," think I'm the "best person he's ever known," feel "terrible" about what he's done, and want to make it up to me for the rest of his life. All while he gleefully gives my clothes and shoes to another woman and doesn't bother to mention that to me.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Thanks, MR. I admire and respect you, because you are clearly truly remorseful for your infidelity and are working earnestly to rebuild your marriage.
> 
> This one professes to still love me "very much," think I'm the "best person he's ever known," feel "terrible" about what he's done, and want to make it up to me for the rest of his life. All while he gleefully gives my clothes and shoes to another woman and doesn't bother to mention that to me.


Thank "you" NMB...I truly mean it when I put out the "hug"...I know I did wrong and I want to do right and am taking the steps to do so, but I want you, and others to know that in spite of the fact of what I've done, it doesn't mean I am incapable of feeling about another's plight.

When I saw the heartbreak and pain in my wife's eyes, and when I read stories such as yours...I see it all over again. Not sure if it's a curse, but I feel your pain and please believe me when I say that I'm not being "trite"...I mean it.

I send you my best...


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> If you really think about it, you likely wouldn't want anything that has the stench of him on it or otherwise attached to it. You weren't duped when he steals it from your closet and ain't a friggin thing he give you that can't be replaced. And gain the weight back. Women with curves are so much more attractive. :wink2:


Good point, Phoenix. And yes, in those sizes I've lost, I didn't just lose unwanted pounds - I lost my T and A to some extent, too. I need to get some of my curves back. Some sleep would be nice, too.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

AnonMale22 said:


> Lol tell the b*tch OW she's wearing your hand me downs... She'll react well don't you think?


I know, right? What kind of person would do this?

I considered for a moment that he might be selling them off on Ebay - he had a little side business for awhile buying and selling stuff marked up there (nice, huh?). So I checked an email account I know he set up specifically for that years ago, and found he's sold nothing, but bought more leather boots in my same size recently and had them delivered to his house.

Lovely.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

AnonMale22 said:


> ha! So Bruce Jenner has inspired him!!!


I'd be relieved if he were a transsexual or transvestite, actually. It would explain why he stopped initiating sex with me years ago in a way that's more palatable than because he never really loved me, and is a narcissist and pathological liar to the point of being a sociopath.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NMB,
why are you even in contact with your WH and believing a word he says about anything. Let him have the pants, why would you want to keep anything from him, go treat yourself to new ones. You are allowing him to still play with your emotions, with all his platitudes and professions of love. Go completely dark on him, get your life back and do something for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So he is getting his new woman to dress up in his wife's old clothing?

Ohhhh, he's nowt but class, thst chap!


_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Good point, Phoenix. And yes, in those sizes I've lost, I didn't just lose unwanted pounds - I lost my T and A to some extent, too. I need to get some of my curves back. Some sleep would be nice, too.


Get with your doctor and ask him/her to prescribe zolpidem for sleep. Think about going to the gym and eating right to regain those "critical masses" you've lost and you'll turn more heads than you already do; especially with a new pair of suede pants you're now even more fond of.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

aine said:


> NMB,
> why are you even in contact with your WH and believing a word he says about anything. Let him have the pants, why would you want to keep anything from him, go treat yourself to new ones. You are allowing him to still play with your emotions, with all his platitudes and professions of love. Go completely dark on him, get your life back and do something for you.


Unfortunately, co-parenting our son forces me to have regular contact with him. I do try not to ever initiate it, though, unless I have to about some urgent child care matter.

I don't really care about getting the things back, because you're right - why would I want to keep anything he bought for me, especially when it's clear he continues to think so little of me? I just don't understand his "thinking." Either he's so cheap, he's going to sell it all - and he is cheap, so that's entirely possible, or he and she are of such low class and character that they enjoy playing Dress Up in his ex-wife's clothes and shoes. Also entirely possible, come to think of it. Both thoughts make me sick.

Good God. What was I married to for 25 years?

ETA: I WILL ask him why he took all that stuff, though. I don't want him to continue to think he got away with it - that I didn't even notice. But I'll tell him can keep it - I don't want anything that has to do with him any more.


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## knmh12 (Jun 22, 2015)

.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

All he is going to do is lie, say he didn't take them or he will start saying "didn't you donate them a couple years ago?". Some way to start questioning yourself.

In the end its probably isn't worth the drama since its not going to bother him as your feeling really don't matter as evident with how he has treated you. My crazy stbx "borrowed" a couple of leather jackets of mine. I used to run a Harley dealership so I had many. When I asked all I got was it must have been and accident and she will check to see if she had them. Of course that never happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know you don't feel this way now, NMB, but at some point your laughter will overcome your pain.

Giving clothes that were gifts to you and that you have worn to his new cookie?

I can't decide whether I think it's pathetic or pathological.

Perhaps he thinks you would want to do whatever you can to support his endeavor. I've had the feeling that you've been too nice to him; maybe he thinks you're behind him 100% wishing him well in his new life, even to the point of sacrificing your clothes. :scratchhead:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

honcho said:


> All he is going to do is lie, say he didn't take them or he will start saying "didn't you donate them a couple years ago?". Some way to start questioning yourself.


Exactly. It will be just another way of him showing you he has something you noticed and want. He turn it into him being the innocent accused and probably try to solicited an apology.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My first thought was to feel bad for OW, that she means so little to him that he steals from you to give to her.

Then I remembered that she's a skvnk who screwed a married man.....

I would say something to him, and regardless of his answer tell him you think it's pathetic that he has to give his ho your hand me downs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This is just beyond low, I can't imagine giving your clothes to his OW! I agree with the others just buy some new clothes with no memories attached. This takes stupid sh!t cheaters do to a whole new low.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Next time you see her ask her if she's enjoying your hand me down clothes, then walk away.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sounds like he found someone your same size and dresses her in your old clothes... Perhaps he's trying to turn her into you.

I'm not sure if you ever run in to them together. If yes, hopefully one day she'll be wearing your old clothes and you can say.

So that's where my old clothes went. Then smile and walk away.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Also, to the title of your thread. I definitely believe that BS fog can be very real.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I don't believe she could wear a size 8, let alone a 6. He has told me she's at least 60 pounds overweight. I would think it's his intention to sell the clothes. But she could wear the boots, apparently. 

His sister told me recently she thought they were in the process of breaking up - that he had referred to her as being unstable. (Ha! As if he's the sane one). Either they're back on, or he's already replaced her with someone else, or he's just buying and selling stuff as a hobby again, and continues to have a penchant for kinky boots.

Meh. I don't want the things back, and I know I'll probably just be annoyed by his lame answer - I'm guessing it'll go something like this: "I was just trying to help you by removing things from the house that might remind you of me." Classic Narcissist - everything must remind everyone of him all the time because he's so extraordinary - he probably actually told himself that's why he was doing it. And I'd bet you all anything that here's what he said to the OW about them: "I bought them for my ex, but she never wore them. Why don't you try on these boots? They're your same size." I like to hope she is ego-formed enough that she said, "Um, no. Even if she never wore them, I'm not going to wear something you bought for your ex-wife." Another classic Narcissist thing: If you don't agree with everything they say or suggest, you're "unstable." They hate conflict, and they really hate it when you don't agree with them or don't accept one of their suggestions.

I spent years walking on egg shells around this man so as not to upset him. Now, I have nothing to lose by making him squirm a little when he so, SO needs to. I don't care about his buying her boots, even though he's not supposed to be buying her anything with the marital assets while we're still married. He only paid $20 for each pair, stingy [email protected] that he is. But I want to say, "I noticed you took my leather pants, dresses, and stiletto boots when you moved. Care to elaborate on what you plan to do with those?" I won't go out of my way to contact him to ask him this question, but I will ask it the next time he calls me.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I like the theory of him having a Caitlyn Jenner moment, pretty amusing>


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

That IS fun to imagine, but as thin as he is, he couldn't fit into my clothes or boots.

I vacillate between whether I should mention it because it's so pathetic and I want him to know I think that, or just let it go.

I agree with workindad that maybe he's trying to turn her into me, and also with alte Dame that I HAVE been too nice, so maybe he's talked himself into thinking I'd be glad to help facilitate his new relationship and wouldn't mind donating stuff I haven't worn in a couple years to the cause. I definitely agree he's pathological. More and more, he is like my Abnormal Psychology textbook come to life. I read a piece on Narcissistic Personality Disorder the other day that gave me chills. It could have been written about him.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> I don't believe she could wear a size 8, let alone a 6. He has told me she's at least 60 pounds overweight. I would think it's his intention to sell the clothes. But she could wear the boots, apparently.
> 
> His sister told me recently she thought they were in the process of breaking up - that he had referred to her as being unstable. (Ha! As if he's the sane one). Either they're back on, or he's already replaced her with someone else, or he's just buying and selling stuff as a hobby again, and continues to have a penchant for kinky boots.
> 
> ...


I have a feeling that he bought the ebay stuff so he can claim when it arrives that your items are a part of his on-line find of leather goods. I don't think he will ever tell her that he stole his ex-wife's things to give her. You can ruin it all for him by letting him know that you will need to let her know that you want your stuff back (even if you don't want to wear it) so he can't give it to her or he has to come clean and retrieve them if he already gave them to her (how embarrassing for him).

Makes you wonder what other items he has taken of yours to sell or give her. Have you looked over your jewelry and other things carefully. Hopefully he no longer has access to the house?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I think you're exactly right - she doesn't live with him yet, but will be visiting him again in a couple weeks. I'm sure he'll keep the couple of packages that have arrived there intact so it'll all seem "new" to her.

I do plan to ruin his fun, or at least make it so this is one less secret he gets to keep from me. I will ask for the stuff back, even though I have no intention of wearing any of it considering she - ew - already has. He has to give it back according to the dissolution agreement he helped author, which says anything we gave each other as gifts are the recipients' property, and that nothing that isn't his clothing or jewelry is to be removed from the marital house without my permission.

I can really have some fun with this. I'll ask him innocently why he took the stuff, to which he'll tell me some lie about how he thought it would be a painful reminder to me, and that he planned to sell it and give me the proceeds. And then I'll ask that he give it all back, and watch the horrified look on his face when he realizes he has to make up a new lie to her about where the stuff went. That I would pay to see.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Not quite the same, but my husband takes flowers from my yard to give to his girlfriend. He thinks I don't notice. Any time he's done it it's after I've cut my own and had them in vases in the house. Lots of effort being put in there. 

I also left all the "outfits" he's bought me for sexy times in a bag with a pile of his other stuff. It's gone now. Curious what he did with it, I wouldn't be surprised if he gave some of them to her. So gross. 

I like your idea of asking for the stuff back. I'm thinking I might do that just to see what he says. Sorry don't mean to hijack, but this rang true with me. I hadn't thought of it in terms of a BS fog, but you're right, still not quite there on the actual separation of our relationship. 

They're just lazy - that's why they cheated in the first place...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Absolutely...not just the WS fog but the BS fog as well...I experienced it....I took full responsibility for H's EA's...I remember telling him don't worry I will go to counselling to fix myself. 

I also remember telling him that I will try and be a better wife (like he is such a perfect husband) so that he will not feel compelled to make contact with his EA. Instead he sat there and lapped it all up...it just enforced in him well I was not happy in my marriage so I had no choice but to look around for someone else.


What sickens me is the stuff I was saying to him is what he should of said to me instead.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Errr..... yikes!

Maybe he is on a crash diet and intends to dress himself in your old clothing? :scratchhead:

Oh, I feel sick, now! 

:rofl:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

UPDATE: I asked him tonight why he took the stuff. Just as I knew he would, he said he just thought I'd be bothered to still have to see it in the closets - yes, there was so much of it, it was in multiple closets - so he took it all at once trying to help me out. Then I said, "What were you planning on doing with it?" He stammered a bit, and then said, "I was going to sell it, of course!" I asked what he planned to do with the money, and he said, "I hadn't thought ahead that far. I imagine I'd give it to you, since it's your stuff." Oh gee, thanks.

And then, I dropped the bomb: "Well, I would like to get it all back, please. There are boots and vests and pants - and that one dress - I've worn many times that I could easily wear again." I watched him turn white as a sheet. There was a dramatic pause while I watched him literally make the decision right before my eyes to continue to lie to me, and realize that he would have to come up with a new lie for her about where it all went. His voice actually shook. He goes, "OK. Make a list of the things you want back, and I'll put that together for you tonight and bring it back tomorrow. I mean, there are a few things I don't think you ever wore once."

[Wait - what??? No. That's not the way this is going to play out.]

I go, "I'd like to have it all back, anyway. Just because I never wore it doesn't mean I can't now. If there's some stuff I decide I don't want to keep, I'll sell it or give it away myself." He looked at me wide-eyed for a few seconds, but then said, "OK, OK. You're right. It IS your stuff. I'll pack it all up for you tonight and get it back to you tomorrow."

No apology. No remorse. No surprise.

What a monumental tool.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The BS fog (or "smog" as I've heard it referred to in the past on here) is definitely real, it's a combination of being deceived, or your own cognitive dissonance for the sad state of your relationship, and just the general coping mechanism of dealing with all the grief.

As for your ex stealing your leather pants to give to some other woman is truly repulsive and shows the lack of any kind of good character so be thankful he's not yours any more.

I had kind of the opposite problem when me ex left - she took none of her old stuff, literally only took a suitcase with her new miniskirts and trashy lingerie, and she raided our son's closet of his nicest clothes leaving me with his ill fitting and worn out garments to dress him in. After a couple weeks she asked me to pull something out of the closet, I said he11 no, I gave her one more week to come clean out the rest of her stuff (most of which I had set aside (probably the most emotionally gruelling task I've ever had to complete). She never did come to get it, was too busy with her active new single, social life - I guess fcking strangers was just so much more fun than dealing with her sh1t (of which there was a lot, she was a compulsive shopper, and I was a saver so wouldn't let her throw out anything she ever bought).

I guess tools do all kinds of stupid stuff, and I hope you relish a bit in making him feel like the ass he is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> UPDATE: I asked him tonight why he took the stuff. Just as I knew he would, he said he just thought I'd be bothered to still have to see it in the closets - yes, there was so much of it, it was in multiple closets - so he took it all at once trying to help me out. Then I said, "What were you planning on doing with it?" He stammered a bit, and then said, "I was going to sell it, of course!" I asked what he planned to do with the money, and he said, "I hadn't thought ahead that far. I imagine I'd give it to you, since it's your stuff." Oh gee, thanks.
> 
> And then, I dropped the bomb: "Well, I would like to get it all back, please. There are boots and vests and pants - and that one dress - I've worn many times that I could easily wear again." I watched him turn white as a sheet. There was a dramatic pause while I watched him literally make the decision right before my eyes to continue to lie to me, and realize that he would have to come up with a new lie for her about where it all went. His voice actually shook. He goes, "OK. Make a list of the things you want back, and I'll put that together for you tonight and bring it back tomorrow. I mean, there are a few things I don't think you ever wore once."
> 
> ...


This is him, then?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

badaboom said:


> Not quite the same, but my husband takes flowers from my yard to give to his girlfriend. He thinks I don't notice. Any time he's done it it's after I've cut my own and had them in vases in the house. Lots of effort being put in there.
> 
> I also left all the "outfits" he's bought me for sexy times in a bag with a pile of his other stuff. It's gone now. Curious what he did with it, I wouldn't be surprised if he gave some of them to her. So gross.
> 
> ...


That's awful - taking your flowers to give to her. What a selfish pig. I do think it's very much the same thing.

I have to wonder if he had asked me if he could take all the stuff in the beginning, claiming he'd sell it and give me the proceeds, if I'd have let him. I probably would have, I was such a mess internally. But he didn't - he just took it and didn't admit to it until I caught him. His whole MO - deceiving because he figures he can get away with it. He keeps not getting away with it, but keeps trying, anyway. Isn't that the definition of insanity?

He took other weird stuff that was mine early on, too. I have a set of small weights - 3 pairs, one two pounds each, one five each, one ten each. In a series of pastel colors. With rubber padding. Women's weights. He got them for me one Christmas - not because I asked for them - because in the spirit of true narcissism, he got me what he thought I should have wanted. I had started using them after DDay again, after my nightly walks. He even gave me tips one night about different exercises I could do with them. When he left, he took them. I caught that one right away, because I went to use them that night and they were gone. He said he took them because I "never use them." Yeah, right. He took them to give to her. He tried to claim they were packed away and he might not find them for a while (packed away, when I had just used them the night before he moved), and that in the meantime, I could use the rusty metal weights out on the patio he hadn't bothered to take. I have to admit I kind of lost it on that one and said, "No. I'd like those to have those back tomorrow. You don't get to use MY weights when you're making [her] your little fitness project when she's here. She can buy her own GD weights." Funny - he didn't argue with that.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> That's awful - taking your flowers to give to her. What a selfish pig. I do think it's very much the same thing.
> 
> I have to wonder if he had asked me if he could take all the stuff in the beginning, claiming he'd sell it and give me the proceeds, if I'd have let him. I probably would have, I was such a mess internally. But he didn't - he just took it and didn't admit to it until I caught him. His whole MO - deceiving because he figures he can get away with it. He keeps not getting away with it, but keeps trying, anyway. Isn't that the definition of insanity?
> 
> He took other weird stuff that was mine early on, too. I have a set of small weights - 3 pairs, one two pounds each, one five each, one ten each. In a series of pastel colors. With rubber padding. Women's weights. He got them for me one Christmas - not because I asked for them - because in the spirit of true narcissism, he got me what he thought I should have wanted. I had started using them after DDay again, after my nightly walks. He even gave me tips one night about different exercises I could do with them. When he left, he took them. I caught that one right away, because I went to use them that night and they were gone. He said he took them because I "never use them." Yeah, right. He took them to give to her. He tried to claim they were packed away and he might not find them for a while (packed away, when I had just used them the night before he moved), and that in the meantime, I could use the rusty metal weights out on the patio he hadn't bothered to take. I have to admit I kind of lost it on that one and said, "No. I'd like those to have those back tomorrow. You don't get to use MY weights when you're making [her] your little fitness project when she's here. She can buy her own GD weights." Funny - he didn't argue with that.


Mine took all sorts of weird stuff too, she took all the cookbooks and took venison/wild game out of the freezer. He couldn't hunt because of his criminal record. She NEVER cooked. In 15 years she cooked like 5 times, I remember for how bad they were, not how great. I tried for years to teach her how to cook.

Cash wise the books weren't worth much but most of them were from my Dad and grandparents with all the handwritten notes from them. They meant something to me from the nostalgia and I used them. 

She was never going to cook Mr. Perfect meals, had she no doubt the affair would have ended much faster. :grin2:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> Mine took all sorts of weird stuff too, she took all the cookbooks and took venison/wild game out of the freezer. He couldn't hunt because of his criminal record. She NEVER cooked. In 15 years she cooked like 5 times, I remember for how bad they were, not how great. I tried for years to teach her how to cook.
> 
> Cash wise the books weren't worth much but most of them were from my Dad and grandparents with all the handwritten notes from them. They meant something to me from the nostalgia and I used them.
> 
> She was never going to cook Mr. Perfect meals, had she no doubt the affair would have ended much faster. :grin2:


You have to wonder WTF they're thinking. STBX also took cookbooks. Some that were gifts to me from friends and family with notes written in them, too! He doesn't cook and has no intention of learning. I've had to ask for those back, as well, but they're supposedly still "packed away" - I guess in the same box the weights were in.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is pretty bizarre, NMB.

I admire how calm and calculating you remained.

He seems to think that anything he gave you as a gift is something that he gets to reclaim. Even so, taking your clothes out of your closets is pretty creepy.

You really should find a way to let her know that she is getting *cough* hand-me-downs.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> You have to wonder WTF they're thinking. STBX also took cookbooks. Some that were gifts to me from friends and family with notes written in them, too! He doesn't cook and has no intention of learning. I've had to ask for those back, as well, but they're supposedly still "packed away" - I guess in the same box the weights were in.


You should probably make a list of everything of yours that has gone missing. It might come in handy when the divorce gets nasty.

If the idiot has in fact given them to the OW (which I tend to doubt -- why would she want used stuff?) he's going to have fun getting them back again. And in a divorce that might count.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Sure we can call it fog. Fear and pride are motivators to hide from reality. The silver lining is that when we face that fear and pride, it will never have power over us again. Those who hide are destined to repeat the cycle.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> My first thought was to feel bad for OW, that she means so little to him that he steals from you to give to her.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Isn't that the whole premise of an A, though? Take what rightfully is owed to the BW (time, attention, affection, sex, companionship, loyalty) and give it to the OW?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Isn't that the whole premise of an A, though? Take what rightfully is owed to the BW (time, attention, affection, sex, companionship, loyalty) and give it to the OW?


Excellent call.

I guess he thought I didn't want any of those other things, either.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

sidney2718 said:


> You should probably make a list of everything of yours that has gone missing. It might come in handy when the divorce gets nasty.
> 
> If the idiot has in fact given them to the OW (which I tend to doubt -- why would she want used stuff?) he's going to have fun getting them back again. And in a divorce that might count.


I think it just doesn't occur to him that a normal person wouldn't want used stuff - especially his ex-wife of 25 years' used stuff. But maybe she's not a normal person. I haven't met her, and hope never to have to, so I can only conjecture what she's like. 

He could have sold our rental property in which he now lives, bought a nice condo near the beach, and started a whole new life for himself and his new woman, but instead, he moves back in to the first house we bought together and lived in very happily for 11 of the first 14 years of our marriage. He sleeps in the same bed we slept in there - same mattress even (ew) - in the same room. I try not to think about what else he does there - that's gotten a whole lot easier to do lately.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He hasn't told her where he got them. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Isn't that the whole premise of an A, though? Take what rightfully is owed to the BW (time, attention, affection, sex, companionship, loyalty) and give it to the OW?


Yes, I was being sarcastic. You didn't include the skvnk part of my comment. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> UPDATE: I asked him tonight why he took the stuff. Just as I knew he would, he said he just thought I'd be bothered to still have to see it in the closets - yes, there was so much of it, it was in multiple closets - so he took it all at once trying to help me out. Then I said, "What were you planning on doing with it?" He stammered a bit, and then said, "I was going to sell it, of course!" I asked what he planned to do with the money, and he said, "I hadn't thought ahead that far. I imagine I'd give it to you, since it's your stuff." Oh gee, thanks.
> 
> And then, I dropped the bomb: "Well, I would like to get it all back, please. There are boots and vests and pants - and that one dress - I've worn many times that I could easily wear again." I watched him turn white as a sheet. There was a dramatic pause while I watched him literally make the decision right before my eyes to continue to lie to me, and realize that he would have to come up with a new lie for her about where it all went. His voice actually shook. He goes, "OK. Make a list of the things you want back, and I'll put that together for you tonight and bring it back tomorrow. I mean, there are a few things I don't think you ever wore once."
> 
> ...


Wow, you called that one exactly! What a tool is right!!!


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> That's awful - taking your flowers to give to her. What a selfish pig. I do think it's very much the same thing.
> 
> I have to wonder if he had asked me if he could take all the stuff in the beginning, claiming he'd sell it and give me the proceeds, if I'd have let him. I probably would have, I was such a mess internally. But he didn't - he just took it and didn't admit to it until I caught him. His whole MO - deceiving because he figures he can get away with it. He keeps not getting away with it, but keeps trying, anyway. Isn't that the definition of insanity?
> 
> He took other weird stuff that was mine early on, too. I have a set of small weights - 3 pairs, one two pounds each, one five each, one ten each. In a series of pastel colors. With rubber padding. Women's weights. He got them for me one Christmas - not because I asked for them - because in the spirit of true narcissism, he got me what he thought I should have wanted. I had started using them after DDay again, after my nightly walks. He even gave me tips one night about different exercises I could do with them. When he left, he took them. I caught that one right away, because I went to use them that night and they were gone. He said he took them because I "never use them." Yeah, right. He took them to give to her. He tried to claim they were packed away and he might not find them for a while (packed away, when I had just used them the night before he moved), and that in the meantime, I could use the rusty metal weights out on the patio he hadn't bothered to take. I have to admit I kind of lost it on that one and said, "No. I'd like those to have those back tomorrow. You don't get to use MY weights when you're making [her] your little fitness project when she's here. She can buy her own GD weights." Funny - he didn't argue with that.


He keeps trying because he doesn't want to admit what a giant toolbag he is. Even though he does know, and knows that you know too. 

I do think it is laziness and, if he's blaming you for his A, he thinks you owe him because obviously it's your fault he cheated in the first place. 

Honestly, the flower thing makes me laugh at both of them. I mean, yeah, I don't like that he's taking them from my house, but it's just such a clear indicator of how pathetic their relationship really is.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> He hasn't told her where he got them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's one pair of boots he hasn't returned - lace-up stilettos with metal heels I would sometimes wear around the house to get him in the mood. I asked specifically about them and he played dumb about them even existing.

I'm sure he lied to her and told her he bought them just for her sometime over the last several months. I can only hope he hasn't had her play dress-up in any of the other stuff, and that's why he thinks he can get away with bringing it back. Also makes me think he probably kept all my other stuff in the boxes he brought it back in, because he sure produced those boxfulls of stuff awfully quickly.

What a sick twist he is. On a number of levels.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> There's one pair of boots he hasn't returned - *lace-up stilettos with metal heels I would sometimes wear around the house to get him in the mood. * I asked specifically about them and he played dumb about them even existing.
> 
> I'm sure he lied to her and told her he bought them just for her sometime over the last several months. I can only hope he hasn't had her play dress-up in any of the other stuff, and that's why he thinks he can get away with bringing it back. Also makes me think he probably kept all my other stuff in the boxes he brought it back in, because he sure produced those boxfulls of stuff awfully quickly.
> 
> What a sick twist he is. On a number of levels.


That would work!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> That would work!


And it did. But how gross is it that he's handed those down on my behalf to the next one?

You know what? It's like a gift my guardian angel gave me. I'm just beyond disgusted with him now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> And it did. But how gross is it that he's handed those down on my behalf to the next one?
> 
> You know what? It's like a gift my guardian angel gave me. I'm just beyond disgusted with him now.


Strange behaviour.

I wonder if he thinks if he gives you her stuff to wear, it's like he's not really cheating?

Either that or he is so tight his buttocks squeak when he walks.:lol:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Strange behaviour.
> 
> I wonder if he thinks if he gives you her stuff to wear, it's like he's not really cheating?
> 
> Either that or he is so tight his buttocks squeak when he walks.:lol:


I'm gonna go with the latter. His cheapness knows no bounds.

She thinks she's getting a real prize. A Booby Prize, more like.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's pretty repulsive.

This IS a gift, isn't it? Viewing him as pathetic and weird should really help your healing.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> There's one pair of boots he hasn't returned.....


I hope you threw all that stuff in the trash after he returned them to you. Why would you even want them after his bimbo put them on?

That's really sick...


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I have no intention of wearing any of it again. But I also don't want her to have access to it. I liken it to his taking all the jewelry he ever gave me and letting her wear some of it. I'd ask for all of that back, too, but I'd never wear it again. 

It's all still in the boxes he brought it back in right now. Some of it is very tasteful, like suede pants. The clothes are a size 6. She is a size 14 or 16, he's told me, so she hasn't worn any of it. Even so, I wouldn't wear it again. I plan to sell the nicer stuff to consignment and throw away the rest. It's my stuff to do that with, not his.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

The stilettos with the metal heels sound like my favorite pair of discontinued Gucci pumps. They were a fortune and I love them. They don't make them anymore and actually have a pretty high resale value. Most used items don't, but good designers bring more at resale.

He was so out of line taking that stuff it just gives me the creeps. If my ex did this I would have gone postal. They aren't content with just ruining parts of your life sometimes.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Your ex and my ex have some similar tendencies but you are far better off without the stuff to remind you and don't ever let him have power over you.

My ex made a point to take many of my tools, outdoor gear, things our girls would only ever use with me. Why? to sell, use, give her boyfriend? NONE of it matters - she knew it would eat at me. 

Much of this "ex" stuff is like grade school. It's all part of their bait set to get you to come up and let them set the hook.

Should have told him you appreciate him taking the clothes. They are too big for you anyway and gives you more space at the house for new clothes. Make it about you, you, you, never about him. When he's crazy, thank him for it.

You are going to have a great life when he's back on the dock and you are on your new adventures.

There really is not good way to shed a narcissist. I'm better at giving advice than taking it but keep one thing in mind - it's ALL a game and every interaction is a "Play" with them. They are always an actor and always thinking ahead. You will never get better at the game then they are. What's the solution? Don't play their game. Disengage, create boundaries.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Good point, Phoenix. And yes, in those sizes I've lost, I didn't just lose unwanted pounds - I lost my T and A to some extent, too. I need to get some of my curves back. *Some sleep would be nice, too.*


"Sleep?" I _vaguely_ remember the concept of sleep. That block of time is now filled with mental movies of what was, is, and will be. I've stared at the ceiling so often, there's a chance we're now engaged. 

I hope to come across this 'sleep' phenomenon again soon. :sleeping:


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Sleep does come... a very light light sleep aid helped me = Rozerem

Now, it's far better though I have my nights.

The best thing is GOING and DOING things but if money is tight that's tougher. Even then, do something. The best thing I've done is create a "Singles Supper Club". We get together every few weeks at someone's house. The group ebbs and flows now but it isn't important, the important thing is just getting with others for a night.

The other thing... I've yet to go to a park with my kids and / or dog and not have women chat me up


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