# When you don’t want them, but...



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You don’t want them to be with anyone else... omg what the hell is wrong with me?? I know I’m not the only to ever feel this way, but WHY?? Why do we do this? I broke up with HIM, meaning I no longer wanted to be with him... but goddam the the thought of being replaced is gutting me! He has basically a built in replacement lined up thanks to mutual “friends” (who claim this is not so... sure..) He says he doesn’t want to pursue anyone or any kind of relationship right now, not that he owes me or anything... But I know how these things can go, and this is killing me. Even tho he is now being a total ass to me. 

Why am I being like this, why the F do I care?? I’ve never been in this position in my entire life, has anyone else been here who can share some insight?




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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it's just maybe human nature. I think it's common.

And possibly deep down, there's a thought that he'll treat someone new differently than you, that they will get an improved version, and that stings.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

1. Because it conflicts with the belief you had that no one likes him.
2. Because he beat you to it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Because we want to feel that we are special and that we cannot be replaced.

Because we want the other person to feel the pain that we feel. When they replace us quickly, it looks like breaking up with them was nothing to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did you find out that he's dating someone else? Are you asking people about this? Or are the volunteering the info?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Livvie said:


> And possibly deep down, there's a thought that he'll treat someone new differently than you, that they will get an improved version, and that stings.



I think maybe this could be it. But still... if I’m done then why would it matter to me? This is so dumb... 




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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How did you find out that he's dating someone else? Are you asking people about this? Or are the volunteering the info?



He isn’t, yet.. and we have a crapload of mutual friends. He and I only stopped talking altogether a few days ago. Like I mentioned, one of our friends seems to have an agenda with getting him hooked up with this one particular person. 



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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I totally can't relate to this. If I need to get rid of something and someone else makes good use of it, it makes me feel good. 

If there's one thing this world has never run short of, it's unhappiness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> He isn’t, yet.. and we have a crapload of mutual friends. He and I only stopped talking altogether a few days ago. Like I mentioned, one of our friends seems to have an agenda with getting him hooked up with this one particular person.


Is this friend telling you that they want to fix him up with someone? If so tell them that you don't want to hear about it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SpinyNorman said:


> I totally can't relate to this. If I need to get rid of something and someone else makes good use of it, it makes me feel good.
> 
> 
> 
> If there's one thing this world has never run short of, it's unhappiness.



In my history of breakups, by the time I usually end things, my feelings are beyond dead and gone. Like I could have literally handed them off to some other woman and been like, here, YOU take this now! This breaking up while still caring is new for me. Not in love any more but still love there, you know the good ol ILYBINILWY thing. 




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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > And possibly deep down, there's a thought that he'll treat someone new differently than you, that they will get an improved version, and that stings.
> ...


Well, purely subconsciously speaking 😉 perhaps because you could have a shadow of a belief that the new person deserves to be treated well and you didn't... if indeed he does treat someone new differently.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Could it be because you want a relationship with someone (do you? I don't know that about you) and it hurts your feelings that he might possibly get one sooner than you? 

Or because he's not home licking his wounds because you dumped him--he's single and ready to mingle so quickly?


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

I had to block out all the mutual friends when my ex and I broke up, it was too painful to see him moving on like our 6 year relationship was nothing...
Within a few weeks of breaking up he seemed to have a few women lined up, and in the 5 months between our last conversation and his recent death I noted (from looking @ fb and talking to ppl at his funeral that he:
1. Reconnected with an ex gf that he dated before me
2. Had a potential date with a woman he just met (online maybe?)
3. Was reconnecting with his ex-wife (according to her "they realized that they never fell out of love with eachother")
4. Had a bunch of new women friends liking and following him on fb
It hurts but I know for sure that he did not have the capability to love anyone else any more or treat anyone else any better than he treated me.
And well Now, he's gone...so none of it matters
They say time heals... 

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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Could be, that because you tossed it aside thinking "that'll fix you" but then to realize well those shoes were not that bad after all. Or in a simpler example. " Buyers remorse".... When you get what you wanted you're not happy anyhow. 

But 3X there's how many billion in the world? If this one didn't check all the boxes, another will, and it's only because your putting a timeline on yourself is why the regret. 

Just tell yourself over and over move on nothing to see here. And no don't get another one of your circle of friends to compete against her. To make him feel differently.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I think maybe this could be it. But still... if I’m done then why would it matter to me? This is so dumb...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's a combination of sunk cost fallacy and self esteem.

Part of you feels like you invested a lot and if a new partner gets the improved version then maybe that could've been you if you'd just held on a little longer.

And your self esteem wants to think that losing you was so terrible that he has to lick his wounds.

But you know what? Both of these are flawed. First, if a replacement gets an improved version they're a better match. That has nothing to do with you, some people are just better suited to each other. I put up with 13 years of my ex playing dumb, gaslighting, and throwing me under the bus to avoid conflict. The ex gf that he never got rid of throughout our relationship....the one he's now talking to regularly despite claims that he hadn't talked to her in years may just be a better match. For starters they're both trash who don't respect marriage. I think it's highly likely she'll get what I got but if not she brings out a better version of him then I could. We were a poor match.

Second, him moving on quickly has nothing to do with your worth. It might actually be confirmation that you did the right thing. I mean, how deeply could he have been invested in you? 

What you got is likely what she'll get unless they're a better match. Either way you're well rid of him. You can't tie your worth as a partner to someone's willingness or ability to appreciate you.


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## perelectrical (Dec 24, 2019)

Having mutual friends doesn’t help because you’d think you’ll keep running into him at places. If you chose to dive into the pool of friends, you’ll need to learn to let it go.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You don’t want them to be with anyone else... omg what the hell is wrong with me?? I know I’m not the only to ever feel this way, but WHY?? Why do we do this? I broke up with HIM, meaning I no longer wanted to be with him... but goddam the the thought of being replaced is gutting me! He has basically a built in replacement lined up thanks to mutual “friends” (who claim this is not so... sure..) He says he doesn’t want to pursue anyone or any kind of relationship right now, not that he owes me or anything... But I know how these things can go, and this is killing me. Even tho he is now being a total ass to me.
> 
> Why am I being like this, why the F do I care?? I’ve never been in this position in my entire life, has anyone else been here who can share some insight?
> 
> ...


You need to find the courage to set your hope somewhere else.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think it's just maybe human nature. I think it's common.
> 
> And possibly deep down, there's a thought that he'll treat someone new differently than you, that they will get an improved version, and that stings.





3Xnocharm said:


> I think maybe this could be it. But still... if I’m done then why would it matter to me? This is so dumb...


Maybe it matters because deep down you wish he had treated you better when he was with you so you wouldn't have had to break up, instead of waiting until you are broken up to turn around and someone else better.

I'm sorry you are hurting.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

Because you can't picture nor imagine them being with anyone other than you. It's very much human nature and nobody wants to ever be second best or be replaced. We want to feel loved. Wanted. Special. And once you've shared a history with that one special person, it's just hard to shake.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> I think maybe this could be it. But still... if I’m done then why would it matter to me? This is so dumb...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Because you are self sabotaging. Because you like to torture and be mean to yourself. Because you think that if he moves on it says something about who you are.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am assuming you broke up with him because you saw something about him that you felt strongly about that was not going to work for you. We can still have feelings, maybe even wonder if we did the right thing, perhaps wish he would come back and proclaim his love for you. That state of fond feelings leaves us in a confusing state of limbo. We tend to reminisce about the good we felt. However, if this man were to come back to you in 6 months I think you would suddenly realize your gut instinct was a correct and your feelings are even stronger than before that he was not the right fit. You will then look back at that 6 months you were reminiscing and finally be able to move on. 

We want to believe that the person we are with cannot have feelings for anyone else but us, that the relationship is truly unique. It is unique but we have to understand too that we are capable of loving again and so are they. Letting go is a process.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> I am assuming you broke up with him because you saw something about him that you felt strongly about that was not going to work for you. We can still have feelings, maybe even wonder if we did the right thing..



You assume correctly. There was no growth in the relationship, and based on the last five years and his history, I saw a future of constant struggle and financial stress. I feel very selfish for this. Everything would be easier if my feelings had gone away completely. 




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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> You assume correctly. There was no growth in the relationship, and based on the last five years and his history, I saw a future of constant struggle and financial stress. I feel very selfish for this. Everything would be easier if my feelings had gone away completely. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Don't feel guilty. It sounds much like what I left also. I am 57, he is 6 years older. He was sweet to me, very charming but he was irresponsible and his life showed it. I helped him replace his air conditioning unit is his house, this is when I found out he did not have credit good enough to replace it. We had been together 1 1/2 years at that point and that is when the truth of things started coming out and I was able to put the picture together. I knew this was not going to work for me and even as much as I like him I knew I had to let him go. Like you, I saw nothing but struggle in my future with him. He was very upset, tried to push blame on me, made excuses for himself. I missed him and thought about him alot, cried many tears but I pushed on. Continued to date, just was not connecting and I felt it was because this man was still in my heart then I met another man that was not pushing me, who seemed genuine, someone I wanted to get to know more. 6 months later the old boyfriend came back wanting to be a couple again. I actually met with him, hearing from him again had my head in a spin, I was actually excited to see him until I actually saw him and then I knew it was all over and I knew my heart was no longer with him and that is what I told him. Love does strange things to us and it sounds like you made a good choice.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Maybe you breaking up with him might have done him a favor? Maybe the relationship was getting tired for him as well but you just happened to be the one that ended it. He's doing the right thing if he's moving on from you, he might even have the "no big loss" attitude that some guys feel with a tired relationship. If hes indifferent then it's probably a hit to your ego.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

I'm sorry you are going through this 3Xnocharm. 

I know how you feel. You obviously had strong feelings for him. It is harder because of what might have been, I think.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> You assume correctly. There was no growth in the relationship, and based on the last five years and his history, I saw a future of constant struggle and financial stress. I feel very selfish for this. Everything would be easier if my feelings had gone away completely.


Maybe life would be simpler if relationships were all good or all bad. But they aren't, and you're smart enough to realize it.

There are times where your life might be simpler if you were stupider, but a lot more of the other kind.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> Don't feel guilty. It sounds much like what I left also. I am 57, he is 6 years older. He was sweet to me, very charming but he was irresponsible and his life showed it. I helped him replace his air conditioning unit is his house, this is when I found out he did not have credit good enough to replace it. We had been together 1 1/2 years at that point and that is when the truth of things started coming out and I was able to put the picture together. I knew this was not going to work for me and even as much as I like him I knew I had to let him go. Like you, I saw nothing but struggle in my future with him. He was very upset, tried to push blame on me, made excuses for himself. I missed him and thought about him alot, cried many tears but I pushed on.


Seems I do remember you posting about this before, his credit issues, etc. So you for sure get it. And the same thing happened when I ended it and mentioned the lack of stability, etc.. he got mad and defensive and accused me of being judgmental. I always thought if you loved someone enough that other stuff wasnt supposed to matter... but it really does. Maybe he will luck out and find someone willing to move him in and take care of him like I wasnt willing to. Maybe that is a part of why this is so hard for me. I have loved him so much, but stability is evidently extremely important to me. Reminds me of the thread someone started today about standards. Seems my top three needs from someone are fidelity, honesty and stability. 



attheend02 said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this 3Xnocharm.
> 
> I know how you feel. You obviously had strong feelings for him. It is harder because of what might have been, I think.


Thank you, I appreciate that!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Seems I do remember you posting about this before, his credit issues, etc. So you for sure get it. And the same thing happened when I ended it and mentioned the lack of stability, etc.. he got mad and defensive and accused me of being judgmental. I always thought if you loved someone enough that other stuff wasnt supposed to matter... but it really does. Maybe he will luck out and find someone willing to move him in and take care of him like I wasnt willing to. Maybe that is a part of why this is so hard for me. I have loved him so much, but stability is evidently extremely important to me. Reminds me of the thread someone started today about standards. *Seems my top three needs from someone are fidelity, honesty and stability. *
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you, I appreciate that!


Aren't you forgetting sex? If you two had been having sex, I'm betting you would still be with him and he'd still be living in his mama's basement.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Seems I do remember you posting about this before, his credit issues, etc. So you for sure get it. And the same thing happened when I ended it and mentioned the lack of stability, etc.. he got mad and defensive and accused me of being judgmental. I always thought if you loved someone enough that other stuff wasnt supposed to matter... but it really does. Maybe he will luck out and find someone willing to move him in and take care of him like I wasnt willing to. Maybe that is a part of why this is so hard for me. I have loved him so much, but stability is evidently extremely important to me. Reminds me of the thread someone started today about standards. Seems my top three needs from someone are fidelity, honesty and stability.


I didn't mind helping out my old boyfriend but I saw a pattern throughout his life as his story started to unfold. He made poor choices and someone else was to blame, he could not see his own actions had caused his problems, or at least would not admit to it. I pull my share and I want someone who does the same and can appreciate my ability to carry myself. I don't need someone to suck the life out of me so in that sense their stability is important to me also.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It's because it makes you think you misjudged his value.
If he wasn't having sex with you, you have not misjudged his value.
Unless he's with a very low value woman, she will drop him quickly over the sex issue as well.

No worries, you are going to be fine in the long run.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

When a long term relationship ends you will go through a grieving process. Almost as if someone had passed; you will feel guilty, denial, anger, grief and at some point acceptance. Not necessarily in that order. There is no grief timeline. You will get through it at your own pace. You can, however, do things that make it easier, or more difficult.

Having mutual friends can make the situation more awkward. Usually when a relationship ends, mutual friends often choose a side. If your breakup doesn't remind you of high school drama at some point, you're lucky. If a relationship can end without one, or both, people playing stupid, petty, emotionally manipulative games, you got lucky. 

If you find yourself listening to breakup songs and feeling emotional, you can at least find solace in keeping a musician relevant. 😉 

Basically, this too shall pass. Not to make light of your situation, but it is the basic truth. (Unless you are a glutton for punishment and hold on for dear life. Which you don't seem like the type.)

As for why is it bothering you? If he was financially stable, would you have kept him? No judgment, I'd kick a man to the curb if I had to raise him like his momma. If he would be a better fit if he was more financially stable, you might still be trying to pep talk yourself into "He can change." NO, he can't. Not because you want or need him to, anyway. The change has to be someone's choice, not an ultimatum. 

My kids are in their 20s, my daughter is engaged, and both kids live with their significant other. Some of the relationship crap they do makes me want to slap them back into reality. Then, I think back and remember exactly how stupid love made me at times. 🙄 Yep, love turns us all into idiots and some point. Just ask your friends and family, and they will recall every foolish thing you've done for love. Usually, things you'd rather forget. 😳

So, how you feel is understandable. I am sorry you're hurting, and hope the pain passes quickly. Don't feel bad about your standards. I'd suggest adding a few, but I'm picky. 😉 (Been with my husband 20+ years because I upped my standards, not lowered them.) If I seem harsh at all, it's not intended. I get what you're going through. Been there done that, have the divorce papers as a momento. 

Two things: most importantly, be kind to yourself. Second, block him to avoid any moments of weakness, or when you're feeling lonely, calls. They're generally a bad idea.

Oh, and if your 'friends' bring up trying to hook him up with someone else, they aren't your friend, btw. That's just trashy and rude.

You'll be okay. You might have to remind yourself of that on occasion.


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