# Moved from AZ to Canada for marriage; now fighting with husband about trips to AZ



## confusedincanada (Jan 9, 2014)

I became a permanent resident of Canada through marriage and moved from Arizona to British Columbia to live with my husband. We met in Alaska in the summer of 2008 and maintained a long distance relationship for 3 years before getting married in Canada in September of 2011. 

After a long immigration process, we are finally together, but we are having a hard time agreeing on how often to fly back to Arizona together to visit my family, who I am very close with. I am fine with making some visits alone. We are both independent adults - I don't need him to come with me every time. But how often can I expect him to come with me? 

My immediate family is quite large between divorced parents, their spouses, natural siblings, step siblings and their kids. None of them have disposable income to travel on right now, and they all live in one city. We don't have disposable income either - he's on student loans and my work hours are only part time, so financially its difficult for everyone, but its still logistically easier for us to go to them.

I have offered to cover the flight and the hotel bill entirely for the next visit so nothing comes out of my husband's pocket while he's in school. I also am not asking him to miss any school. The trip will be either his winter break or his reading week break. I am still being met with disagreement and concerns about time management stress.

On one hand, I fully expect him to understand what he committed to by marrying someone who came a long way to be with him. I expect him to come with me to AZ, and I made it clear at the beginning of the marriage that if trips to AZ got put on the financial chopping block, it would be a big problem. 

On the other hand, with him being a student, I understand that it is also a matter of how much financial and time obligation he is able to take on. The travel expenses from British Columbia to AZ are not small, by anyone's standards. He can't work while he's in school, so he is almost completely student loan dependent, except for some seasonal summer work. I know he wants to travel, and I know he is also passing on visits to his brother in Alberta because of school. I know he is not deliberately avoiding my family. He likes all of them and speaks highly of them and enjoys the visits we have had together. It all has to do with his personal stress over school and money. 

It is a serious concern to our marriage. My family misses me and wants a relationship with my new husband, and when he is reluctant to make the visit to them I feel like they are sad, and I feel caught in the middle. But I also know that this is a complex problem without an easy solution and it would be difficult for anyone to resolve. There is no rule book. Its just what I think vs. what he thinks. All I want is to make good choices for all my relationships, but I just don't know how to balance this, I don't know where to draw boundaries, and I don't know what is fair to expect from him. 

Any advice helps. Thank you so much!


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Hey confusedincanada - Thanks for sharing, I can feel the anxiety being communicated. First, it seems clear that you and your husband have some kind of agreement regarding the necessity of traveling to see your family. He understands it and he is supportive - both big pluses. Second, you may not comprehend the level of stress he is feeling. Just because you will be travelling on a week when he does not have school does not make it stress-free. Travelling, staying in a hotel, family visitation, and expenses are all sources of stress in and of themselves. School is a short period of time when compared to an entire life together. Do you have a huge aversion to going home by yourself? There will be lots of opportunities in the future to travel together. It seems that the two of you need to sit down and talk through this trip. It can even be very beneficial to do it with a 3rd party who is unbiased - a Pastor, a counselor, or even a marriage mediator. 

I sense that you are ready to make this a "do or die" issue. You state that he knew how important it was for you to visit your family before you got married - fair point. But you also knew what you were getting into when you moved to Canada. My wife has made several trips to visit her family without me over the years and it has been fine. There have also been trips when we all went together. It can be a "both and" situation and it may be unreasonable to expect him to go with you every single time. I would honestly go see someone and discuss all options to you as a couple. An outside voice can help bring perspective we sometimes lose in our disagreements with our spouse.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

How many trips a year are we talking about?

Once a year?
Every break from school he has to go (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Spring Break, Summer, etc...)?

Once a year i can see happening, multiple times a year on a student's budget...

Also, he's got family also, doesn't he want you to be with his family during the holidays? I see alot of you and your family but you married him and IMO the both of you are the main family unit now. I'm not saying you need to cut out your family at all, heck I know I've got a HUGE family on my side.

I have my wife's back unless I know she's in the wrong, which is almost never since she think she's always right all the time, :rofl:

Like WF stated, talk to your husband and work out a schedule you both can live with.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I feel for you... I'm a foreign wife also. I haven't seen my father since before I was married, and my husband has never met him. I haven't traveled to my home country since 2009 as it's simply too expensive. I made some huge sacrifices and I expect my husband to respect and honor that. (He does - he has been great about trying to get us to go but we just can't afford it yet.) 

It's a tough situation to be in. I just found out yesterday that my brother and his wife are expecting their first baby and I'll be an aunt, and I'm left wondering if I'll ever meet my niece/nephew much less have a real relationship with them. I don't really have any advice. I miss my family but I did make this decision to live in my husband's country and he didn't force me to do that. I don't know what the answer is. Go by yourself if you can afford to do that. Spend time with your husband's family. I spend tons of time with my husband's family and now I truly feel like a member of their family - it doesn't replace my family of origin but it's really nice to have family close by.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you are willing to foot the bill I don't see why his shorts are in a knot. Is he this unreasonable in other areas of your mariage. 

I'm from AZ too. It must suck not to have access to good Mexican food.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If he's sacrificing trips to see his brother in a neighboring province, I'm not sure why you're thinking longer more expensive trips to visit your family in AZ are in the works anytime soon. I also don't relate to the whole "his pocket" thing... Either as a couple you have the money to do something or you don't. 

I'm on the side of "just go", if you want to. Don't make him responsible for your happiness. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Can you compromise?

Accept that while he is in school and while money is tight, he will not be making many trips home to AZ with you. Once you are on firmer footing financially, and he is done with school, then he will come with you more often.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, you married a man who is a student. Then you wonder why he doesn't have the money to travel to AZ. Or even the maturity to understand why it's important.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yep, not having great Mexican food does suck! Also a zonie, now in Kansas City. 

I guess I am wondering what you expected when you agreed to leave your family in AZ, confusedincanada. Did you expect to travel every year once, twice, every month? 

How much can you connect with your family using other methods, like Skype, FB, etc.? While I realize this isn't exactly ideal, you *did* make the choice to move away. You could have broken things off with your husband if your family was more important than your relationship, but you sent a message to the world that your relationship was more important when you chose to marry and relocate. That's not really about your husband's obligations. It's about your priorities. 

It sounds like I'm being cold-hearted, and I'm not trying to be. What I'm trying to point out is that you STILL have that relationship with your husband, and it's supposed to be your top priority. To me, that would mean I'd visit my family whenever I could afford to, and I'd keep in touch in other ways in between those visits. 

As far as his relationship with your family, I'd encourage you to steer clear. It's up to your individual family members and your husband to decide how important it is for them to have relationships with each other. It's NOT up to you to manage their relationships. This is just aching for trouble, in my opinion.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> It all has to do with his personal stress over school and money.


Does he not have any friends in UG or Grad school? It's called 'having people give you what you missed.' Many of us have been through UG and Grad school and honestly.. If he is stressed over school--then getting away for a couple days on your wife's bill sounds pretty effin exciting--to get back on your feet.

Sounds like he may be using school/money as an excuse. There is no point of acting like a square while in school unless he is mentally incapable of succeeding if he has distractions. I'm currently in law school and I can do other things/be stressed out and still maintain a high GPA. 

Plus, so what about money. He's got loans. Say he was to drop 400$ to help you pay for this. What is the difference of paying the government what he owes plus an extra 400$? None. 

He needs to stop being so depressed over school. Jobs are harder than school.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

wise said:


> Plus, so what about money. He's got loans. Say he was to drop 400$ to help you pay for this. What is the difference of paying the government what he owes plus an extra 400$? None.


When I was on student loans (also in Canada) they would only give me a certain amount that they think you should be able to live on. They wouldn't give you an extra $400 just 'cause. If I remember right I got about $1400/month + tuition for me and 1 child so it's a pretty tight budget.

IMO, student loans and a part-time job just isn't enough to travel like that. Can you stay with family at least to cut hotel costs? Maybe go for half a week so he still gets a few days of an actual break from school and away from family obligations?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

One thing that does concern me is that you "offered to pay" and thought that that made a difference!

You are a married couple and as a couple you are on a tight budget so IMHO it does not matter which account the money comes out of it is still less disposable household income.

You will hear lots of people (on TAM and elsewhere) talk about "his money / your money / our money" but when things are financially tight the more you consider to be in the "his or hers" pots the less there is in the "ours".

I think you should consider doing a couple of budget exercises together one for your finances and one for your time. Ensure that there is a surplus of both before “pushing” for extra overseas travel. 

N.B. I fully understand you desire to spend time with your wider family but your life with your husband should be your priority.


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## confusedincanada (Jan 9, 2014)

Thanks for the advice, everyone. It is already helping create some perspective.

What I want from my husband, in these our first years of marriage, is to visit my family once every two years. The last time he saw them was February 2013 and the next time I want him to join me in AZ is Christmas of 2014. I have always been more than happy to make trips alone if I want to go to AZ more often than that. He is on a break between semesters so it wouldn't disrupt classes. We just spent Christmas 2013 with his family, so I just want some give and take for the holidays. Our finances are more separate than probably many married couples. We finance much the way two roommates would, which I know not everyone would necessarily agree with, but its a system that works for us, because we have very different approaches to finances. That is why it is significant that I offered to pay his travel arrangements. He is not comfortable staying with my family, so this would include a hotel bill and a possible car rental on top of flights, unless someone in my family is able to lend a car. The latest on this scenario: my mom offered some financial help for us to visit and he agreed to commit to Christmas of 2014 in AZ... reluctantly. I am pleased with this... but I still am very hopeful that we can get better at this. The fighting sucks. Do you guys think once every two years is a fair amount to ask, as long as he is not financially burdened and I am not disrupting his school schedule? I honestly think I am being pretty fair...

And yes, I have yet to find good Mexican food here lol. Slim pickins.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Once every two years sounds very reasonable to me. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, you are being very reasonable and fair. Once very couple of years during the holidays is hardly a burden of any kind. 

I'm surprised he would see it as a problem. Why was he so reluctant to agree?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you are talking about once every two years and you can manage the money, this is certainly not unreasonable. It is, however, a bit unreasonable to be agonizing about next Christmas at this stage, in my opinion.

Some grad programs are far more work- and time-intensive than being out in the work force, so if he is in one of these programs, I can understand how these trips could be difficult for him. In cases like this, there is really no such thing as a vacation.

Most couples I know who are away from family settle on alternate years for visits. One year for his family, the next year for yours. If money makes it impossible, then that's just how it is. I somehow think, though, that the greater issue is that you miss your family and your home & you are focusing on this particular wrinkle as a way to vent a bit.

(Just FWIW, from an older person's perspective, the insistence that all sacrifices be equal in a marriage is a losing proposition. Things are simply too subjective to make a sacrifice contest a winnable endeavor.)


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## confusedincanada (Jan 9, 2014)

He's reluctant because school stresses him out a lot and he prefers R & R to travel in his 2 weeks of winter break. I understand this, I was a stressful student too, but I also think that, for the sake of compromise, he needs to manage stress enough to make sporadic visits with me. People should be capable of other responsibilities even while they are in school, right? He can't visit Phoenix in the summer - the heat makes him very ill (he spent almost his whole life in Northern Alberta) - so that leaves Christmas break or reading week until he graduates.


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## confusedincanada (Jan 9, 2014)

He's working on his undergrad in anthropology. He returned to school in his thirties. I should not agonize in advance or try to enforce "fairness." You are right. Its kind of an old hurt between us. Before we were married and we were doing the long distance thing, it was sometimes difficult to get him to travel to me then as well. For every visit he made, I'd make two or three. He's gotten better about his mobility over time, and we have talked about it a great deal, before and after we were married, but the disconnect between our expectations still arises. I sometimes get anxious feeling like I have to light a fire under him when I'd much rather feel an attitude of willingness from him. I want my spouse to have some kind of ongoing in-person relationship with my family members, even if visits are sporadic. I have always been clear to him that this is important to me. Its just hard to know how much I can expect from him. I am trying to be as objective as possible. I don't want to be a demanding spouse.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, it might be a nice gesture if your parents at least could make an occasional visit up north as well...

C


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

My husband is in the military, we have moved back & forth across the US twice in the last few years. My family is on the West Coast & thankfully we're now back on the West Coast. Next month will be only my 2nd visit in 2 years to see my family. 
I hate being far away, it sucks but I knew going into my marriage that we would always live far away from my family while he was still in the military, so I do know what it feels like to not live near family. 
I say if you want to go, then go, don't wait for your husband because it seems like you may end up waiting forever for him to finally go.
Unless my plane ticket is a gift, I buy my own plane tickets. 

Our finances are also separate because of the unhealthy financial behavior my husband's parents had with each other, which in turn shaped my husbands 's own financial mindset.
He has since softened somewhat, but we will never share bank accounts or credit cards, which truthfully is okay with me, as he can't tell me what to do with my money.
Yes, I do have my own issues with people telling me what to do with my hard earned money, husband or not.


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