# Drinking, sex drive and lack of affection



## Bluegalinpa (Jul 12, 2014)

Hi,

I am new to the forum and debated on where to make my post. My husband and I have been married 9 months. We didn't date long and that is probably part of our problem. 

Our sex life has become abysmal. Last month we had sex three times and that was partly due to me commenting on our lack of intimacy. Pity sex I've come to call it. Hubby tells me it is a timing issue but I'm not buying it. He says he's tired, I'm tired, one of us is sick and the excuses go on. I try to initiate sex and he politely turns me down. 

He has been drinking and more than he did when we first got together. In fact, he drinks beer daily, at least 5 cans and then he will switch to vodka. If he gets off work early I know he will be fairly loaded till I get home from work. 

I think his drinking has affected his sex drive. However, if I say something about his drinking he becomes angry and won't talk to me for over a day. 

He also lacks affection. I've tried to get him used to hugs and kisses but he doesn't seem to like it and even told me that he is afraid to give me affection because I'll want more. 

After an argument over sex and affection, I told him that all I needed at that moment was a hug. He looked at me and proceeded to go outside to have a cigarette and left me standing there. 

I've been reading a lot of books on relationships to help me during this time. I've tried the Love Dare for us and have been applying ideas from His Needs, Her Needs and even got hubby to take the 5 Love Languages assessment (which his came back as physical touch and acts of service equally). I think he answered the 5 Love Languages based on what he thought I'd like because when I touch him, he tries to move away from me every time. 

My reason for this post is this: is his lack of desire due to drinking? He doesn't watch porn (I checked) and no affair. I'm lonely and frustrated. Would AA help me because I know he won't go?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, Alanon (for loved ones of alcoholics) will help you.

Or a codependency group.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ask yourself this... Are you honestly willing to put up with this for the rest of your life? And keep in mind that sooner rather than later, you'll look back at this as "the good old days"?

How long did you date? How old are you two? 

Alanon is for you. You can also try individual counseling, if he won't go. But it all comes down to the fact that you can't make him stop drinking, all you can do is decide what you'll accept. You need to figure out your boundaries, and be willing to enforce them. 

And yes, his sex drive (and personality in general) will be affected by his drinking. When did he start drinking so much?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Advice: leave now and mean it. You aren't the only one who is powerless against alcohol.

A giant stand now will save you a lifetime of heartache.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

If he is needing 5 beers and vodka to be in his 'happy place' he certainly isnt very happy with his life.

And this is the honeymoon phase.

Consider carefully what will happen when times get tough. He cant be all that pleasant to be around when he is tanked up or hungover the next day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Bluegalinpa said:


> Hi,
> 
> he drinks beer daily, at least 5 cans and then he will switch to vodka. If he gets off work early I know he will be fairly loaded till I get home from work.
> After an argument over sex and affection, I told him that all I needed at that moment was a hug. He looked at me and proceeded to go outside to have a cigarette and left me standing there.


he sounds very stressed out. Is his job bad...i.e. about to get fired or something? Sounds like he hates it, gets off of work, and wants to drink to try to have some small amount of "happy time" during the day.

If so maybe the solution is him finding a new job, or transferring to another part of the company.

5 beers a day...yeah I could do that when I was younger....and I would not really be drunk from it. How does he handle the drinking....is he obviously drunk...not able to walk straight, passing out on the floor? Or is he just buzzed, and happier due to the crutch of the booze?

He probably is not initiating sex with you because he is drunk! Mens equipment does not work as well when it is soused. Maybe hit on him after the 1st beer or two, then let him drink some more.

So yeah, if you could get him to drink less, or have dry days when he does other stuffl....that would help a lot. Do you belong to a gym, play sports (tennis, golf, etc). Those sort of activities go much better if you are not drinking first....so if you could involve him in something like that, he might naturally tone down the drinking for that day?

Good luck.

One coping mechanisms I came up with was switching to high priced bourbon or scotch. I cant afford to drink as much...so if I do have a drink it is only one! :rofl:


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

I would echo what @PBear said: you need to think if you really want this for the rest of your life? This is not to tell you to either accept it fully or divorce fully, but to rather start taking action on this. Personally I believe that marriage is for better and worse unless it goes really bad and not saveable, so I think that you should try to save your marriage first before declaring the end of it.

If your husband was not a drinker, then maybe you should try to figure out what made him one? Is there something in life that bothers him strongly to the point he needs to escape through alcohol?
Another possibility would be that he was an alcoholic but was able to hide from you before marriage, and now got worse, but it's just a possibility and probably not a very realistic one.

People might have some major issues in their lives that need the help of their spouses, so if we made the "for better or worse" vows then we should keep it. With that said, if after all the attempts you could make fails, you'll need to think about your needs too and if this is really what you want in your life, as he is the one who can help himself in the end, and if he doesn't also give some effort to get better then he is not upholding his vows to take care of his wife.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bluegalinpa said:


> I've been reading a lot of books on relationships to help me during this time. I've tried the Love Dare for us and have been applying ideas from His Needs, Her Needs and even got hubby to take the 5 Love Languages assessment (which his came back as physical touch and acts of service equally).* I think he answered the 5 Love Languages based on what he thought I'd like because when I touch him, he tries to move away from me every time. *


 I agree with your assessment that he likely answered what you wanted to hear... a physical toucher highly enjoys touch , it makes us feel loved...we crave it ... your husband has an Addiction to alcohol..... no amount of reading books on relationships will help until he wants to help himself ...you can not do this alone.. 

And you don't want to be an enabler either...my Mother married an alcoholic after my father, he started out like yours.. beer then needed more hard liquor.. after seeing what sort of life she lived... any man who was a drinker was scratched off my list for potential mates.. 

Question.. was his Father an alcoholic .. is others in his family?

If alcoholism runs in my family, am I at greater risk?


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## Bluegalinpa (Jul 12, 2014)

Firstly, thank you to all who have responded. Hubby is 56, I'm a year younger. 

He has always drank. While we dated, it was a beer or two after work and maybe three on Saturday. He refrained from drinking on Sunday.

Now he drinks every day but unless he has had a fair amount, you can't tell. He doesn't pass out, however, he will stumble around a bit if he has had more than usual.

He recently began working at a new job and you can see he is much happier. I believe some of his discontent was with his job. He enjoys what he does now and the people he works with.

His dad was a drinker and from what he says, he was an alcoholic. My husband doesn't think he has a drinking problem now and gets upset if you say anything about his drinking. He told me that he believes he was an alcoholic when he was younger. I think, after observing him these past months, he still is. He is just in denial. I listen to him recant stories from his past and nearly everyone has this sentence in it, "I stopped at the bar and grabbed a six pack. . .. " 

I believe that a lot of what he did while we were dating was to lure me in and wasn't the person he really was. I accept part of the blame for this as I could have waited to get married - but after dating for only a few months, we tied the knot.

I believe that marriage is "till death do us part," and want to make this work. However, I don't know if I can sacrifice everything I will need to just to make him happy. What about my happiness?

I don't think it is wrong or selfish of me to want to be greeted with a kiss and hug when I get home from work, or when we go to bed. I don't think it is wrong to want to have sex with my husband a couple times a week or for him to have sex with me when I try to initiate it. He does not know (at least from me) how hurtful it is to be turned down every time you try to initiate sex, but I do. Now, I no longer try because I know what will happen and honestly, I don't want pity sex. 

I think my real eye-opener came the other day. His mom is sick, terminally ill, and I was talking to her on the phone. I knew she would ask to talk to him and he mimed for me to tell her he was sleeping. He said he doesn't have time for the drama. I cannot tell you how much that affected me. 

I've heard it said you can tell how a man will treat his wife by the way he treats his mother. Do others feel this is true? If so, I don't see much good coming my way. 

I will see what Al-anon meetings are in my area and begin going. I know I cannot make him stop and I doubt I will be able to make him see what he is doing. I hope I can find some peace and happiness in my own life and make a decision on what I will and won't tolerate.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

His mother being terminally ill is no doubt hard on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

It sounds like he is shut off emotionally and maybe drinks to avoid feeling things. 
You're not getting your needs met, physically or emotionally, and to be honest, I don't think you ever will from this man. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 
I think you need to weigh the pros and cons and make a decision as to if you want to stay and continue to live the life you are living, or if you want to stand up for yourself and leave him once and for all.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't think you should bother with AA organizations. You should run, you tied yourself to a man with a problem who will probably never give you what you need. At 56, he has been drinking for over 30 years and probably has health problems. You may find yourself nursing him. Why did you marry him and he you? 

The drinking is nit his only problem, right. He is financially sound? Is he working? Who pays the bills. Dose he contribute anything to you life or relationship? 

If not, you are married to a man you have to take care of and who will not be able to care for you. His attitude towards his mother is a case in point as you know. Get out now before you get trapped by financial problems, health issues and emotional damage.


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