# Ok to say no, if spouse wants help?



## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I'd like to hear what other people think about this situation. 

Our part of our roof needs to be replaced this summer. My husband wants to do it himself to save money. For the second time now, he has informed me that he expects me to be up there helping him. When I said no, I didn't think I could do that, he told me that I would have to carry the bundles of shingles up the ladder to the roof. I am a healthy 47 year old woman but I don't feel physically strong enough to carry 60-80 pound bundles up a ladder. 

I am not a lazy person. I do the majority of the chores, fix things that break, and do it all without asking for help. I feel like my husband wont do any project unless he has me there 100% of the time.

To be transparent, when I was younger I was all in to anything we did. I was a "When horse dies woman pulls plow" kind of gal. That ended when we moved and did it all ourselves 9 years ago. Huge pieces of furniture, in and out of trucks and up and down stairs and my husband yelling and being a jerk. That is when I realized there are jobs I am just not strong enough to do and I need to just say no.

What do you think its fair to ask me to do?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Is he trying to whip you into shape or kill you? It's fine to tell your spouse no when something is not in your ability to do. You could lay shingles or run the nail gun but unless you are stronger than him he needs to be hauling the shingles up the ladder. 

Seems a bizarre request to me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening code20
I think a marriage should feel equal. Each doing their fair share, but that doesn't mean that they need to do the SAME share. Maybe you can do other things if the physical chores are beyond what you can reasonably do.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Hmmmm, not getting this... If he doesn't want to do it then it's time to hire a laborer for a few hours.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell him no. Do you really want to ruin your health just because your husband expects you to work like a construction worker? Why isn't he lugging those shingles up there?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I would say no when I got done laughing. Seriously, I am impressed by ambitious DIY'ers but this falls into something that is best left to them and professionals. 

If you were up for it, that would be a different story. Roofing can be dangerous if it is a 2 story home.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I told him last time he mentioned this that he could hire somebody to help, and get our 20 year old son to help too. But he brought it up again and said the same things as the first time, as if he never heard me say no. 

To be honest I am scared to be up on the roof and I don't want to do it. I would be happy to pick up the shingles they throw down or bring up small stuff. I would work as long as them but not on the roof.

I think my husband wants me to do it because I am free and usually work until I passout. Lol.

I am a pleaser and its hard to say no but I am going to keep saying no until he gets it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's an unreasonable expectation, so it's fine to tell him no. It probably helps to tell him why, and to suggest he get his son to help, otherwise hire a roofer.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I don't know why my husband sees me as someone to help for this kind of job. When we got a new dryer he wanted me to help him move it - I said no way and got my son. My son can be in the room and he will ask me (instead of son) to help him move something. I think its strange too, and I say no if its too heavy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I would never ask my W to tote 60 pounds of roofing material up a ladder. Is your H nuts? When I work on things like this my W will offer to help and do what she can. Most times it is getting me a drink and lunch. This in itself is being part of the job at hand. It is always welcome and appreciated.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

Thank you! I know most men do not expect their wives to do as much as my husband expects me to. He doesnt ask me either, he just says "you have to.". And he's flummoxed when i say no.

i even suggested my daughter and i could carry the shingles upstairs and put them through the window but he said no, the window was too far from where he was working.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

You need to grow a backbone. Tell your husband no, stick to your guns, and don't feel guilty about it. Your son can help or he can go to the Home Depot parking lot and hire a day laborer.

Remember, you don't have to justify yourself to him. It's ridiculous he thinks he can order you to do heavy duty manual laborer.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Code,

You are 100% on solid ground telling him you aren't going to do this. 

And I've got a suggestion for dealing with a pushy husband. 

The next time he asks: 

- don't 'say' a word
- send him a short text 

'babe, much as I love you, I'm not going to be part of the roof repair crew. I don't like that you keep asking even though I have repeatedly said "NO". If you ask me again, it will be proof that you aren't listening to me. And I'm not going to continue to reply, when you've shown you aren't listening.'

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code20 said:


> I told him last time he mentioned this that he could hire somebody to help, and get our 20 year old son to help too. But he brought it up again and said the same things as the first time, as if he never heard me say no.
> 
> To be honest I am scared to be up on the roof and I don't want to do it. I would be happy to pick up the shingles they throw down or bring up small stuff. I would work as long as them but not on the roof.
> 
> ...


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

That is a good idea. I got a little hot when he brought it up again. Next time will just stay calm and send a text.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

There are ways to get heavy objects to a roof without using ladders. In fact, climbing a ladder with object is dangerous. And these ways require only one guy. But will be faster with two, and no dangers.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Has he ever carried shingle bundles?

Even guys get worn out and struggle bring load after load of shingles up a ladder.

This is somewhat crazy expectation or he doesn't get truly understand the scope of the job. Roofing is hard work.....


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

You may have something there. He helped his dad put a roof on a pole barn when he was young, that is all the roofing experience he has. He probably just doesnt understand that this job is way to big for the two of us alone.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel your husband is being unreasonable.. if anything.. this is a *safety issue*.. he is TRYING TO save $$.. but if you fall off the darn ladder.. he will suddenly realize how he f**ked up.. and you'll have a lot more problems to contend with...

So yeah.. by all means.... prevent that.. 

20 yr old son could be helping here...work around son's schedule if he has to.... you can do other things to help them.. .. like when shingles are flying off the roof.... you could be the clean up woman below... plenty you can do to help them on the ground....he should be respect what you are willing to do.. and readjust here getting another man to help on this bigger job.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

code20 said:


> I'd like to hear what other people think about this situation.
> 
> Our part of our roof needs to be replaced this summer. My husband wants to do it himself to save money. For the second time now, he has informed me that he expects me to be up there helping him. When I said no, I didn't think I could do that, he told me that I would have to carry the bundles of shingles up the ladder to the roof. I am a healthy 47 year old woman but I don't feel physically strong enough to carry 60-80 pound bundles up a ladder.
> 
> ...


Has he ever carried shingles up a ladder? I did this exact work for a few years when i was younger; it's a very tough job. If I had a woman helping me with roofing, it would never cross my mind to have her carry the shingles up; that's ridiculous. I think the jobs you mentioned in another post would suffice.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Roofing itself, is very easy.

However, I'd have serious doubts you could carry the bundles of shingles up the ladder. They're heavy, awkward, and you're trying to climb a ladder at the same time. Odds are, you'll end up hurt.

Once they're up there, it's not a big deal. That said, once they're up there, he shouldn't really need much help unless he's doing the whole thing.

Even then, just have him get a cheap roofing nailer and have at it. It'll be less than your deductibles for back pain, or worse.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

dubsey said:


> Roofing itself, is very easy.
> 
> However, I'd have serious doubts you could carry the bundles of shingles up the ladder. They're heavy, awkward, and you're trying to climb a ladder at the same time. Odds are, you'll end up hurt.
> 
> ...


Easy? It's not rocket science, but it's more work than a lot of people would want these days. If the entire roof is being replaced, then the old shingles have to be removed. Sometimes the old ones come off easy, and sometimes they don't. 

A warm temperature is needed to seal the shingles down, but the warmer the temperature, the tougher it is on the human. I've been on roofs before where if felt like my feet were on fire and i was breathing over a boiling cauldron of tar. 

If the pitch of the roof is suitable for standing, that makes it much better. If not, shingle hooks have to be used to stand on and put the bundles of shingles on. these have to be moved periodically, which is a pain. 

Flashing where shingles meet a wall or valley rolls have to be installed properly or the roof could leak, especially after some time passes. It may look easy, but I've known of people to mess it up. 

I've done a lot of hard labor in my life, and roofing is not one of my favorite, easy jobs.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

code20 said:


> I don't know why my husband sees me as someone to help for this kind of job.


More troubling by far is he seems to think he can just ignore you and insist and demand.


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## bbqbeefkake (Apr 7, 2015)

Roof top delivery of shingles runs about 50 cents per bundle. 

average 2 story roof 15 square 45 bundles total cost for rooftop service $22.50

average ranch style roof 25 square 75 bundles total cost for rooftop delivery $37.50

Print this out, hand him 40 bucks, say keep the change and go make delicious sandwiches and grab a 12 pack and your 20 year old son. 

Drinking beers with dad after a long day of hard work in the hot sun is priceless qt. 

2nd point

Working off a ladder or roof when scared can result in death or permanent injury including being paralyzed. I know an experienced roofer that fell off a 6 foot step ladder on the second rung and broke a wrist. 

3rd point 

Craigslist, neighbor kids and labor pools like labor ready have available people to help for a pittance. 

4th point 

If your husband thinks you ought to help with heavy lifting and dangerous work, he needs a lesson in chivalry or a swift smack upside the cranium with a blunt instrument. 

Your welcome :smthumbup:

P.S. People treat us the way we train them to treat us. Sounds like you have some remedial training to do. With all due respect, he is ridiculous not just on this battle but all mentioned.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"a swift smack upside the cranium with a blunt instrument."

This gets my vote. Any guy who expects his wife to be his pack mule deserves a ball peen hammer to the temple. It's as though he doesn't understand how much 60 lbs weighs. It's 60 pounds being carried up a ladder for cripes sake.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

bbqbeefkake said:


> Roof top delivery of shingles runs about 50 cents per bundle.
> 
> average 2 story roof 15 square 45 bundles total cost for rooftop service $22.50
> 
> ...



:smthumbup::iagree: 

OP, please print the above out and hand it to your Husband! Perfectly stated.


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## bbqbeefkake (Apr 7, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> It's as though he doesn't understand how much 60 lbs weighs. It's 60 pounds being carried up a ladder for cripes sake.


Plenty of new hire grown men with no roofing experience quit on their first day on a roofing crew because it was too hard. NOT KIDDING. I know of dozens of them as I know many in the trades. 

In many cases the work they did was not even on a ladder. 

It is really dangerously stupid to have any inexperienced person carry ANYTHING up a ladder, let alone something that weighs as much as a small child in elementary school.

Shingles rough edges can scrap you enough to bleed. A third of the shingle wrappers are usually damaged when delivered and set down too clumsily making them more difficult and dangerous to carry. 

Asking anyone without experience to do something that is that dangerous and difficult when they are scared is NEGLIGENT and would result in losing a personal injury lawsuit. 

Stoooooooppppiiiiiiddddd :scratchhead:

Not to mention just plain mean to insist someone do anything they are afraid of and or not physically able to do comfortably

NOT COOL BUD. GET A CLUE PLEASE. ITS YOUR WIFE. DAMN MAN. WTH?

I am angry about it. OP is someone's daughter, mom, wife and maybe sister. Have them all come over and beat him up for you. LOL

What does your son think? Does he have a girl friend? What does she think? Your mom?


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

Wow great advise! i had no idea there was rooftop delivery of shingles.

It is true people treat you how you train them. I have been a pushover in the past, doing things he wanted that I didnt to avoid conflict. That just breeds resentment and teaches him my refusal can be overcome wih enough pressure. 

I have become firmer (boundaries!) in the last 2 years but he still tests me quite a bit.

I think he does see me as a workhorse. His mom did everything his dad told her including auto work complaining bitterly all the while!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think my hb would be embarrassed to let the neighbors see me lugging something like that. He doesn't even like me to cut the grass lest the neighbors see HIS WIFE mowing the yard. 

I did it once when he was out of town and he made sure the neighbors knew he wasn't there. 

I cut the grass at my old house when I was a single mom all the time so it's not like I can't. 

I halfway think he'd take offense if i even offered to carry something that heavy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rockymts (Mar 26, 2015)

this guy is totally unreasonable.


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## bbqbeefkake (Apr 7, 2015)

code20 said:


> i had no idea there was rooftop delivery of shingles.
> 
> It is true people treat you how you train them. I have been a pushover in the past, doing things he wanted that I didnt to avoid conflict. That just breeds resentment and teaches him my refusal can be overcome wih enough pressure.
> 
> ...


It's not all bad. He respects your ability. Maybe too much though. There is a loving but firm way to say no and it can even be sexy without being pathetic. Go with that one if you can string the needle. 

To be fair, I made the mistake of thinking my wife should be like mom in a different but comparable way. I learned different in a loving way from my wife that they were two different people and she wanted different things for herself. 

Congrats on the progress. Steel under velvet is what I teach my daughter. Cause no emotional injury when saying no. For example, 

"I appreciate the respect you have for my ability. I wish I was as comfortable as you are with the idea but am not feeling it at all so I am going to have to pass. I am sorry I wont be helping you. Here are some other ideas 1,2,3. I will be sure to make you a lovely lunch and dinner and catch up on some other things that I am comfortable tackling. I know your mom was an amazing women. I am amazing also in my own different way "

See how he can't legitimately be upset with that? 

If he still is, get the ballpeen and give him a smack or just give him a sultry smack with your sexy wet kiss and tell him to knock it off if he wants a Scooby snack later in a flirty way. There are lots of ways to say shut up a$$ in a funny but effective way He said you were good with tools so it shouldn't be a problem when he is acting like a tool :rofl:


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

bbq that is a great approach for this situation! If I use your iron fist/velvet glove style he will just look dumb and petulant if he tries to change my mind. 

Thanks to all that replied. It is much appreciated ?.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I mean is appreciated no question.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Are you two f-ing crazy going on a roof for a do it yourself project. I got it obamacare is tough, but are you going to try minor surgeries on your own, windows need cleaning, no need for window-washers, babies, idiot's guide to being a mid-wife, do bridge design on the side,


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Bobby5000 said:


> Are you two f-ing crazy going on a roof for a do it yourself project. I got it obamacare is tough, but are you going to try minor surgeries on your own, windows need cleaning, no need for window-washers, babies, idiot's guide to being a mid-wife, do bridge design on the side,


It depends on whether a person knows what they are doing. I wouldn't recommend reading the directions for the first time and doing it, but with experience, one can save a ton of money.

I live in a rural area, and it seems guys around here grew up doing things like that. We have a philosophy that, "I'm not going to pay somebody to do something I can do."

On the other hand, I have a cousin who lives away from here, and if he comes in and his toilet won't flush, he's totally baffled. He doesn't have a clue, he has to call a plumber.

With that said, all this stuff can be hard work.


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