# Trying to see what went wrong



## Tori (Jan 25, 2011)

Ok. I am currently seperated from my husband if I can even call him that. I did everything he wanted. I cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, gave him sex whenever he wanted for 16 years and here we are now. No matter what I do he still acts like a jerk. He is a horrible father, he doesn't communicate well. He disrespects me by talking over me. He can be in the house and doesn't say two words to me, none at all. One day he is like he is going to disapper and the next day he is saying he wants to buy a house. My kids try so hard to love their dad in spite of but he just pushes them away. My oldest son is almost 16 and can't say one thing that his dad taught him. He is just a pain. I know he is a good person but he is so selfish and what he feels and wants always comes first. I thought that I could make things better but here I am trying to figure out what I did wrong? I feel alone, just want to know if anyone else out there can relate to my story.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is his behavior recent or has he always been this way? Does he do the silent treatment a lot?

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel? Your kids? Have you considered counselling?


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## Tori (Jan 25, 2011)

Yes, he's done this our whole relationship but towars the end it has just gotten worse. I have told him so many times over and over again how it makes me and the kids feel. He doesn't seem to care. I can pour my heart out to him and he will just sit there in silence and when he does say something it is usually something that he later admits he said just to be hurtful. He is very distant and very unemotion. The only thing he feels is love is sex and buying us things. When I stop having sex with him because it made me feel dirty and used, thats when he really just became more distant and selfish.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Him admitting to saying things just to be hurtful is not cool. 

How are the kids responding to this?

Work on the things that you contribute to this dynamic. 

My advice is to sit him down and tell him you mean business. Tell him how it makes you feel when he does x, y, z (not talking, saying hurtful things, being distant). Then listen to what he has to say. Consider MC. If you talk to him and he is willing to work thing sout with you, then great. Because it takes work from BOTH ends in order to achieve a good marriage/relationship...committment from both sides. If he isn't receptive then you need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to meet you halfway.


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## Tori (Jan 25, 2011)

Thanks. I have already done this so many times. I have literally begged him to tell me what can be done to make this better. The thing that worries me is the kids are getting to the point that they just don't care. They love their dad but feel he doesn't love them. My oldest son thinks he hates him. I feel as if I have done all I can do. I asked him the other day, tell me one thing that I may have overlooked that you have done to make things better. He could not think of one thing. He expects things just to get better by magic or something. He doesn't want to do anything. This is my fault because for many years I would just sweep things under the rug and let him do what he wanted even though I was unhappy with it just to keep the peace. thanks for your responses!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Specifically, why do your kids feel that he doesn't love them and hates them???


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## Tori (Jan 25, 2011)

He disreards them. He can be all day in the house and not say two words to them. All he does is yell at them and try to be disciplinarian. He has called them names. He doesn't do anything with them. It was ok for a while because he would just buy them things but as they got older and needed him more the gifts weren't enough for them. They want their dad to be their like a dad but sadly he isn't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What kind of names does he call them? 

I imagine disregarding them has taken a toll on them.


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## Tori (Jan 25, 2011)

One time he told them they were acting like a bunch of b**ches. He called my 9 year old a whiny dirtbag, he was only 7 or 8 at the time. He called my oldest son the b word. He yells at them all the time. Here's a prime example: yesterday my 12 year old came home excited because he got in the National Honor Society. I was talking to his dad and my son was talking to his brother kind of loud. He yelled at him at the top of his lungs to SHUT UP! yes my son was wrong but his reaction was way over the top for me. It upset my son so bad.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Wow, that's not good tori. He should not lose control over his words like that, or worse yet feel that it's acceptable to speak to the children like that. I can see how your children do not feel positively towards their father.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not ok at all for him to be calling your kids those names. 

He sounds verbally and emotionally abusive.

I was in a marriage like yours. It usually gets worse over time.


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## Tori (Jan 25, 2011)

Thanks Jellybeans. I just needed to now if I was the only one. I am just feeling like I wasted my whole life with him for nothing.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Do NOT do that to yourself tori! You did not waste your time. You have your kids and all of your experiences along the way. I started to go down that path, too until someone kicked some sense into my butt.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Dad, not being a father figure to his children, disrespectful, yelling, - not good. That is not real love. Sorry. They could also very well pick up these bad traits from him. I am really sorry you have to go through that. Maybe he can see a MC or IC.


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## Tori (Jan 25, 2011)

Thanks staircase and brighterlight. Its nice to finally have someone to talk to. I have no support at this time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are definitely NOT alone. 

A lot of people have been in similar situations and can relate. You'll fin dthis board is full of useful information as well as good people 

It comes down to this: it takes work from both sides in order to have a healthy marriage. If one of you won't do it, then you have a one-sided relationship with one person doing all the work.

In that case, you have to decide if you want to stick around in a marriage where the other party won't give half (and you your half) or remove yourself from it.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

tori said:


> Thanks staircase and brighterlight. Its nice to finally have someone to talk to. I have no support at this time.


You and me both. I have burnt all bridges when it comes to my husband. No one wants to even hear his name in casual conversation. Now that I finally have papers in hand and a fat receipt from a lawyer, my friends and family are still like "ok well let's see how long she stays away _this_ time"


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tori,

I'm not sure what your husband is dealing with but I bet it is a really long word, hard to pronounce, and it will require years of therapy and medication to control. People who operate on a stable reality plane don't usually shift from "I'm leaving the marriage" to "let's buy a house" in 24 hours. 
If he's got some untreated psych issue, you didn't infect him with it and you couldn't possibly hope to fix it. He's not only treating you badly but also his own kids and they certainly aren't to blame, either.
Not sure how we go from describing a terribly self-centered pain in the butt to saying he's a good person cause selfish people generally aren't nice or good. His goodness may exist primarily in your imagination, your memory, or in your optimistic dreams. If being a good husband and father were criminal acts, would anyone be able to find evidence to convict him?


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## Tori (Jan 25, 2011)

Well I want to thank all of you. I know what I have to do now. I just want to do the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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