# Going through divorce



## Shay_Dogg77 (9 mo ago)

Hello,

new here, just trying to reach out to people that are going through similar situations. After 9 yrs of marriage and a relationship of 16 yrs my wife has decided it is best for us to separate/divorce. I am having a hard time dealing with the emotional aspect of this loss, we have been together since we were 16 in high school. We have both had issues with depression and the last few years have been rough. She has been hospitalized3 times due to her depression and I did my best to be there for her and see her through. She has always had weight issues & last April she got weight loss surgery and it has dramatically changed her life. She is ready for a fresh start. Although I feel like I have been a good husband, I can’t help but feel I failed in our marriage. We have been in counseling for several months and some aspects of our relationship have been improving but I have had that feeling that she feels differently now. She even said she thinks we are soul mates, as friends. I would love to be friends and share our inside jokes and hang out and everything but i just can’t. It hurts too much. I am working in therapy now to try and deal with my own issues. A lot of my own insecurities and belief I am not worthy or good enough have affected our marriage. All things though I believed we could work through together. She has always been my security. That’s another problem we have had, co-dependency…I have based a lot of my own value on how she is feeling. I succeed or fail based on making her happy. I know that’s not the way it works, but that’s how my mind has worked. I recognize all of this but it is too late. I have some good days and then I have a few really bad days where I let my mind slip down the rabbit hole of bad thoughts. I am not suicidal in any way, but I do have a lot of self-blaming and regret and just grief. I have only been with her. I have only wanted her. I have only loved her. I honestly never thought separating was an option, that we really were soul mates and would weather any storms. Without that, SoMetimes it feels like I’m on one of those rickety wooden bridges you see in the movies…blowing in the wind, the about to break as you fall into the rapids below.

Once the sun comes back up in my mind, I know I have a lot to offer the world and will continue to work on getting my self image to reflect that. Just so hard to keep your mind on track.

anyways thanks for reading


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I think she found someone else. Women will rarely leave a man unless they already have the next guy lined up. Had she mentioned a new friend or guy at work? Any other red flags?

As sad as it is, marriage rarely come back from this. She already checked out and moved on. I'd recommend you do the same. Live your life the way YOU want to live it. The stay plan is the same as the go plan.

Not only do you have codependency you also have oneitis. Don't worry, there are millions of other women out there. I have no doubt you'll land on your feet and find and even better one.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Shay_Dogg77 said:


> She has been hospitalized3 times due to her depression and I did my best to be there for her and see her through. She has always had weight issues & last April she got weight loss surgery and it has dramatically changed her life.


The above is a lethal combination as a marriage killer. 

If you take the time to check marriage problems originating from mental health issues and weight loss you will understand my statement.

So, so, many women that undergo weight loss surgery, once they completely heal and start to check themselves in the mirror, and start to observe that now some men are checking them out, they go over their head and start to lose it. All of the sudden, you not longer are kosher, they can't even comprehend what they ever saw in you. The first excuse to themselves is that they just settled for you, but now they realize that they can have what they always wanted.

So after reading your pathetic beta behavior towards her, such as:



Shay_Dogg77 said:


> She has always been my security. That’s another problem we have had, co-dependency…I have based a lot of my own value on how she is feeling. I succeed or fail based on making her happy. I know that’s not the way it works, but that’s how my mind has worked. I recognize all of this but it is too late.


All I can tell you dude is find your balls from wherever is it that you put them away and start to behave like a man that has confidence in himself, have self respect and dignity and realize that no one can be your security, not even your mother, the woman that gave birth to you, not after you've become an adult; least of all another woman. You're supposed to succeed for yourself, and those that depend on you, not the other way around, succeeding to depend on someone else's acceptance feelings. That's pathetic, that's putting your life at the whims of another person. The good part is that now you are recognizing the errors of your ways.

Best thing to do is to take your life's decisions into your hands, YOU determine what the outcome of your life is. Start by presenting her with the divorce papers and tell her that you understand that now that she's not so fat, you were her settled for guy. That you have sufficient self respect and dignity to end a relationship were you're just second best. That you are going to find a woman that will take you as her alpha first. Wish her good luck, and detach completely. Read above the 180. It's a guide to help you detach. Also read Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy".


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It always pays to go online and check your phone bill.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Did they put your wife on SSRI's for her depression? Those drugs are powerful and sometimes cause " emotional blunting" .


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I worked in a bariatric office for many years and it always saddened me to see these men supporting and advocating for their wives knowing that there is a 90% chance they will end up divorced. Rob_1 nailed it above.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> The above is a lethal combination as a marriage killer.
> 
> If you take the time to check marriage problems originating from mental health issues and weight loss you will understand my statement.
> 
> ...


Geeze whizz...

The_ 2x4's_ were swung early, a preparatory swat was given in post #2, than a full beat down in post #3.

I hope she is not set on cheating.

Who, oh who, initiated the separation?

If it was your idea, it muddies my opinion on your marital situation.




_King Brian-_


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Geeze whizz...
> 
> The_ 2x4's_ were swung early, a preparatory swat was given in post #2, than a full beat down in post #3.
> 
> ...


So, do you think that stateting the obvious, which is crystal clear to even OP, is wrong?
Why the need to sugar coat a situation that you with the time that has been here, perfectly know to be the most likely outcome.

Shall I remind you that what @Chaotic_Aquarian experience match what we all seen:



Chaotic_Aquarian said:


> Sorry to hear you are going through this. I worked in a bariatric office for many years and it always saddened me to see these men supporting and advocating for their wives knowing that there is a 90% chance they will end up divorced. Rob_1 nailed it above.


That and his own issues, like his life depending on someone else's whims.

Wouldn't exposing the truth to his face be a positive awakening moment for him? 
You called 2x4's beat down like it was some sort of chastising, putdowns, no-no's, when in reality that's what OP needs to hear, no some rhyme about the unbalances of life when the moon is in the 7th house


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So sorry to read this, OP.  I echo the others who say there could be someone else. Just try to care for yourself as best you can, and spend some time quietly by yourself to process things. It’s good to stay busy but not so busy that you don’t take the time to grieve this loss. It will also be weird to eventually date women because you’ve been devoted to your wife since high school, but things happen for reasons. But, loss of any kind is always hard and I hope you get through it okay.,


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