# Strong egos!



## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

Hi everyone;

This is my first post here and I will try to be more concise. I decided to write here and get some info and advice from people experiencing the same thing. 
I know it is common for men to be more competitive and "in charge", but I also know that this is not so healthy and not making me happy. I am married for nearly 5 years now and in the beginning my husband did not display these characteristics.
He seems to compete with me and feels strongly about any comment I give to him or try to correct him, The reason being is because I am mor eeducated than him, I am a teacher and he is a welder and I am not underestimating this, but even though he sais he doens't care, it does somehow bother him. He doens't like to "be told" when he drives especially and is senstitve in these "mostly men dominant areas". But on the other hand he makes a lot of mistakes and hardly ever admits it.
I also tend to be stubborn sometimes, but that is because I KNOW i am right. So this is our numebr one issue, and we waste our energies on stupid small things. We do love each other, but this is something that makes me feel unhappy.
He also has some bad habits like staying up late, and things like this irritate me, as I like to go to bed earlier. 
We are together all the time and we both do comprise on some situations, but it looks like a battle: is it my way or your way!
He also likes to stay at home and sleep most of the time, and on the other hand I feel very isolated like this, and need to socialize. He is not into this at all and this bothers me too.
So we do have our differences and I try to accept it, but it really does make me feel unhappy.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Ofcourse there are many details in all this, and options I have tried but lack due to limitations like: no car, little friedns, as I moved to Canada from Europe and it all added up for me


Jennifer


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Jenniferm said:


> Hi everyone;I also tend to be stubborn sometimes, but that is because I KNOW i am right.


You're going to want to throw this out the window if you ever expect to have a good relationship. The biggest misconception is that since you are miserable he should change. this is dead wrong. 

I think you two need a strong lesson in boundaries. It sounds like you both have very poor boundaries, maybe you more then him. Try reading Boundaries in Marriage by dr. cloud and townsend or relationship rescue by dr. phil.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus and I are actually going through the same thing but so far making progress. We're both very stubborn individuals, which can work to our benefit when we're on each other's side (not about me or her but about us), but an absolute terror when we're against each other.

First of all, do you undermine his authority, do you respect him? I don't know much about your situation but if you do insult him it's just going to put his walls up. (BTW HOW do you try to "correct" him?) Nagging him to do something is just going to make him not want to do it - the missus and I both also have this trait.

When walls are up, nothing you say will get in. Same case with you I'm assuming. You have to express that you do *value his opinion despite the disagreements* and if he doesn't meet you halfway then it's his own insecurity talking, which is his responsibility sure but you would do well to avoid making the situation worse by 'rubbing it in'.

I'm in the process of learning this myself, but so far, avoiding one-sided conversations is doing wonders in this regard, avoiding nagging, etc etc.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

dr.phil is a good suggestion. his books cover a lot of subjects.

but also, its prob., control, and you are a strong woman, and you run your life and at your job, you are mostly in charge, at hime its different.
sometimes you have to let go some control. we went through the same thing. we just had to figure out who is the one to speak up. and who is comfortable with what.

in other words talk about what exactly is the thing he dosent like you to control, and compromise...
just my thoughts....


----------



## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

Hi, Thanks for replying. I am truly aware that we both need to change and work on it. But sometimes it is so hard. When I say correct him, this means for example, he is driving in the wrong direction or has forgotten the route and I memorize these things really good, so I tell him "nicely" that that is not the way and so on, but then he doesn't admit it and we quarell, about things like this and it alwasy turns out I am right. But then we go through that stress for nothing really. He sais to me, no matter if I am right or wrong, just don't push it, I guess he doens't like me telling him he is wrong, and then I see something is wrong here.
I do try to 'not" get affected by somethings he does (like the above example) and play cool, but I cannot and then how do I work on something not to bother me.
Thanks for sharing here


----------



## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

I also read a lot of wisdoms, such as: treat other people with kindness, give and give, and don't expect nothing in return, and in time you will see how other people will appretiate you more, but it is hard to put this into practice


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jenniferm said:


> Hi, Thanks for replying. I am truly aware that we both need to change and work on it. But sometimes it is so hard. When I say correct him, this means for example, he is driving in the wrong direction or has forgotten the route and I memorize these things really good, so I tell him "nicely" that that is not the way and so on, but then he doesn't admit it and we quarell, about things like this and it alwasy turns out I am right.


Hahaha flashback! Heh if I was him - I would install a GPS, that's what I did :smthumbup: Then I started winning in the 'direction game'! :rofl:



> But then we go through that stress for nothing really. He sais to me, no matter if I am right or wrong, just don't push it, I guess he doens't like me telling him he is wrong, and then I see something is wrong here.


I think he's pissed over being corrected all the time - bruised ego. Only way to heal it is to do the complete opposite of what you're doing, it's tough however.



> I do try to 'not" get affected by somethings he does (like the above example) and play cool, but I cannot and then how do I work on something not to bother me.... I also read a lot of wisdoms, such as: treat other people with kindness, give and give, and don't expect nothing in return, and in time you will see how other people will appretiate you more, but it is hard to put this into practice


It is difficult yes, but the rewards are worth it. The missus and I haven't had a fight since... boxing day (I know I know, not that long is it? :rofl: ). But compared to our previous reconciliations this one has dealt the most changes. I've stopped giving her crap, started to encourage her, be less stubborn and valueing her opinion, appreciating her more instead of viewing everything as a competition. Slowly her walls are going down brick by brick, and she's meeting me halfway in everything.

The struggles and wrestles to be 'on top' must be restricted to the bedroom!


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Ok, I'm going to swing a gentle 2x4 at you here. You made a point to let the forum know that you're more educated than your spouse. I honestly don't know what that has to do with the price of tea in China. I've met quite a few "educated" people that had no sense. Good, old fashioned "horse sense" goes a long way. 
And honestly it sounds as though you're possibly treating him like one of your students. That's not going to work in a marriage. You don't have to correct every little thing he does wrong. You let the natural consequences occur. If he's driving the wrong way, BE SILENT unless he asks for your help. And when he discovers that he's gone the wrong way, just say "don't you hate it when that happens?"..that goes a long way as well. That's just an example. It's not about pandering to his fragile male ego...it's about setting about UNdoing some of the damage already done. You have to stop the right fighting. So what if you're "right" and he's "wrong"? If you continue on this path, I can guarantee further unhappiness. You have to learn to let go. 
If he stays up late, what are you doing to "encourage" him to come to bed earlier?????? In all honesty, you can't dictate to someone when they should go to bed. He's not a child that has to be in bed by 8 (like mine  ). It's just possible that the more you treat him like a competent man, he'll start acting like one. But you have to recognize competence when you see it. Even if it's not YOUR idea of competence.


----------



## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

Hi Randomdude;

I really appretiate you giving you r time to answer my posts and share your experiences. It really is so great that you are trying and working on it, even though as you know it isn't easy.
The best possibe solution is to not have that ego, and religion (christian) also teaches me that it is inhuman to possess it, and this is where I fail. My husband is also like a blind man and doen'st see his faults, so what is worng with saying: oh you're right , this is the wrong way or whatever???I just don;t get it , why can't I help him do what he has properly, why is this affecting his ego so much???
I probably have to put myself in his shoes


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, you both have the stubborness trait - which is great in some ways as you can put yourself in his shoes to understand him and vice versa. Repeating what Major Misfit said in regards to teaching etc - she's right in this regard that your husband is not a student. And as such, needs to 'touch the hot plate' to learn. So one has to let go, she made good advice there.

I actually went through the same thing last night, I starved myself deliberately because one of her friends invited us for dinner and was preparing one of my FAVOURITE dishes! But darn did she take her time 'getting ready'. And the more I nagged, the longer she took DELIBERATELY to piss me off (which she wont admit but it's kinda obvious lol). But I forced myself not to react, and just shut my trap for a while - and it worked... finally! Heh

Sometimes one just has to let go. Being controlling will only push a stubborn person away, it's a learning process, but the little changes here and there is already making a big difference for us at least. And sometimes to make changes - one has to lead by example.


----------



## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

I guess th ereason it is hard for both of us to adjust is that we married late, me 40, him 47 and we both had our own habits. So, we have really worked on this, but I feel that we should understand each other more and that is not happening. When something clashes with your own point of view, it is hard to be tolerant and accept the other person;s point of view.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Jenniferm said:


> I guess th ereason it is hard for both of us to adjust is that we married late, me 40, him 47 and we both had our own habits. So, we have really worked on this, but I feel that we should understand each other more and that is not happening. When something clashes with your own point of view, it is hard to be tolerant and accept the other person;s point of view.


You have to start somewhere. YOU start by making every attempt to understand his POV. Understanding "each other" is ideal, but all YOU can do is work on yourself. You have to be willing to open yourself up to his POV. That means true listening, and attempting to REALLY understand.
Don't get hung up on the fact that you married later, and each had your own habits. Habits were meant to be broken.


----------



## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

Hi , thanks for your replies. The point I made letting the forum know that I am more educated than him is only to clarify why I think he is feeling that I am competing with him, when I am not. I agree that we are both stubborn, but it is so hard to let go when someone does something wrong, and often repeats it. He also corrects me and tells me what to do, but I don't react that way. This is my point. I married him regardless of education and lifestyle, I thought he was a good person, and suppportive. he does have a goo dheart and often feels sorry after an argument and we don't want it that way. But he wants his ways and gets very nervous and impulsive, and sometimes reacts like a child.
I do think family history and upbringing has its influence on the way we react, but maybe it was somehow foolish of me to disregard these facts for both of us.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Jenniferm said:


> I do think family history and upbringing has its influence on the way we react, but maybe it was somehow foolish of me to disregard these facts for both of us.


That would be that hindsight vision, wouldn't it? You're a smart lady...you know you can't change him. All you can do is change yourself. And hope that the change in you facilitates a different reaction in him.


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Of course it bothers him and yes, part of it is an ego thing. What do I think the problem is here? If I had the chance to take a guess I would say it's your lack of friends to socialize with. If you tell your gf to go left at the light, you two are gonna have a two second talk about it then move on to a discussion about something else.
Because you are friends and neither one of you care about which is the most efficient way to town or how the car should be driven. If you were with your gf today and you get home and take a drive with hubby, you will be telling him funny things that happened while you were out with your gf and making him smile, instead of discussing which way to turn at the light on the way to town.

Take the extra time to meet and chat with people you think you might be able to become friends with while you are out, and try to make some of them married women so you can set up get-togethers with them for you and your hubby. If he likes the couple you bring home it may just drag him outta bed more often to get the grill going and get him doing stuff with other people.


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Before I married I dated two teachers. Both had the same personality as you - that is they were better educated and knew it all. 

I also have a university degree but they were teachers and thus knew more about more subjects. 

It's very trying and exhausting being with someone like that. I got annoyed, then resentful, then wouldn't listen to anything they said even when I knew they were right.

With the last one I finally started packing up my encyclopedia set one day into storage. When she asked why I was doing that I replied, "because I don't need it anymore - you know everything"

Apparantly she knew more about humour as well................


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Oh what a brilliant thread; another one to cut & paste or show the OH when we're not bickering about 'control!'
....on which, and I AM being serious in asking this, just what does everyone think being controlling actually is? We're both strong, stubborn, older when we got together, and he always accuses me of being controlling yet only rarely (but admittedly occasionally) admits to being a bit of a control freak himself!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Jenniferm said:


> I also read a lot of wisdoms, such as: treat other people with kindness, give and give, and don't expect nothing in return, and in time you will see how other people will appretiate you more, but it is hard to put this into practice


NO! You should never give and give and give expecting others to change. This is the exact recipe for resentment and bitter fighting, and believe it or not its a sign of very poor boundaries. In religion you're taught to keep loving and giving no matter what, and with less intimate relationships this could even work, but it never works in a marriage.


----------



## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

Wow, I appretiate you replies and points of view. Ofcourse it is hard to picture some situations here and thereofere, people are lead to conclusions. Just this morning on our way to work, it had snowed mor ethan 5 cm, and he got so nervous because of other people that drive "slower", as if they should speed in such conditions, cause he was late for work. So I just said (and now I regret even saying anything): why must you yell at averyone and get so nervous, they just don't want to speed and it is quite dangerous to rush through, relax,,,,and to this he reacted very nervously, yelling at me , that i should not say a word and that I am against him, Ha, that was really mean, and I did feel very offended. So if he is nervous and irritated, I get to be blamed. But am I not allowed to have any opinion of thoughts???I just wanted to make a suggestion to take it easy, but he turns it upside down in his head and thinks I am now blaming him and accusing him and so on. Apparently this is no good!
It doens't mean that being a teacher, you know everything, besides they are not more knowledgable than other intellectuals. I only meant that it seems to bother him, and besides eduaction does make a difference when it seems to bother you. This is why he sees somethings I say as competing. And this is my point, I don;t look at it that way at all. 
Most of friends and family have noticed this trait in him, that he is stubborn and "know it all " attitude, when in fact he makes so many mistakes. But again, I really didn;t marry him to be his teacher and mother. I know relationships can be hard, but we need to work on them, if there are opportunities to.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jenniferm said:


> So I just said (and now I regret even saying anything): why must you yell at averyone and get so nervous, they just don't want to speed and it is quite dangerous to rush through, relax,,,,and to this he reacted very nervously, yelling at me , that i should not say a word and that I am against him, Ha, that was really mean, and I did feel very offended.


 I think this gives a clue to you on how he views you right now. He doesn't see you as making comments or voicing your opinion, all he can see is you constantly going against him. ( that is how he probably sees it, I can't possibly tell you if thats how it actually is). I would take some time and reflect on his feelings of that. Tell him that you noticed he thinks you are always against him and ask him why he feels that way. 

Honestly, if it isn't something life endangering, I just kinda roll with it. Not worth getting into an argument over. I still express my opinions, but now he ASKS for them. If he misses a turn, no big deal, who cares. We'll get there. I would seriously look into that statement he made and see what work can be done on that for both of your sake. Always good to improve communication, right?


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Yes someone questioning my every move, and commenting negatively on everything I did would start to really piss of any man. 

You need to lay off, let him decompress and once he isn't feeling so under a microscope, and negatively evaluated, he might relax and become less anxious and stop yelling and acting aggressive to others and yourself.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Jenniferm said:


> I just wanted to make a suggestion to take it easy


from now on if you have any thought of telling him how he should feel, just dont voice it. Telling someone else how they should feel, or how they should act only leads to emotional alienation and fighting, which obviously you now know. If you are nervous because he wants to drive fast in bad conditions, then dont drive with him. but never tell him how he should feel. 



Jenniferm said:


> But am I not allowed to have any opinion of thoughts???


Im pretty sure there's not a single person that wont agree that if the conditions are bad he shouldnt drive fast. but that's not really the point. the point is letting him feel what he feels and doing what you need to do to take care of your own needs. I personally would have told him im not getting in the car with him. let him experience the natural consequences of making a bad choice, instead of telling him to change.


----------



## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

Yeah I know it is hard for him to change, but for now I have no choice but to keep driving with him. He has alwasy been an agressive driver and I never liked it from the start. He also knows very well, that I am afriad of fast driving I simply do not feel comofrtable and that he should not drive like that when I am with him. I think this is reasonable to ask. I am also not constantly attacking him, or preaching him , either, thi sonly happens in situations when things get on my nervs , or does it even though he knows I can't stand it. I also tolerate many other things and never complain about that, so I think living with soemone you need to make comprimises, espceially if there are a lot of differences.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Jenniferm said:


> Yeah I know it is hard for him to change, but for now I have no choice but to keep driving with him. He has alwasy been an agressive driver and I never liked it from the start. He also knows very well, that I am afriad of fast driving I simply do not feel comofrtable and that he should not drive like that when I am with him. I think this is reasonable to ask.


It is reasonable to ask. but what do you do if he says no? that he wont slow down? then you have a problem and you have to examine your choices. one option is to tell him how to feel, etc but as you've noticed that doesnt work. If he wont stop driving fast what are your other options? 



Jenniferm said:


> does it even though he knows I can't stand it.


Just because you cant stand something doesnt in any way mean he shouldnt do it. You have to examine your options and see what you can do about your own discomfort. if you've asked him to change and he doesnt then you have to find a different way of meeting your own needs. Just because you compromise on things he wants does not mean that he is under any obligation to do what you want. that may lead to a natural emotional/physical separation, but that is a different issue.


----------

