# Wife doesn't like my fantasies



## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

Hello,

So I've been with my wife for a few years and through sex talk a few times we went through the classic "tell me whatever fantasy you have and we'll do them".

To give a bit of a background, this is the first women I've ever been with so I feel like I'm lacking of a way of telling her. So I'm into butt stuff, I'm not gay I still love her truly and that is not the point.

I have no idea how to tell her and doing it without telling adds more and more pressure to me as knowing she definitely won't be happy when she'll learn that I've been playing like that without telling her for a while.

It feels perfectly normal not to tell her, still, why would I want to cop with all of her arguments she already made her mind uppon when we talked about it indirectly :
-How long have you been doing that ?
-That's gay
-You don't love me since you didn't do it with me first !

That's the kind of things I'm sort of expecting to confront and it scares me. As of now I know I'll never tell her but I cannot live hiding sex toys in the house for my entire life at the same time...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If you don't want to turn the table what do you want to do?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Oh and do you have trouble determining which direction to go whenever you find yourself at an intersection?


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

I know I want to tell her but I can't imagine a way to do it that wouldn't feel wrong.
It feels as if telling her would change the way she sees me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

Butt stuff? You haven't been very detailed here. It's also become somewhat more mainstream. I'm sure that nice butts, prostate stimulation, etc. have and will again be on the cover of some supermarket women's magazine with the sub-title Drive your man wild. You could use that as an introduction to "You know, I've heard about that" or "pressure there feels good to me".


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

Randy2 said:


> Butt stuff? You haven't been very detailed here. It's also become somewhat more mainstream. I'm sure that nice butts, prostate stimulation, etc. have and will again be on the cover of some supermarket women's magazine with the sub-title Drive your man wild. You could use that as an introduction to "You know, I've heard about that" or "pressure there feels good to me".


To be more specific yes I was reffering to prostate stimulation. Wife told me many times that she despises anything that has to do with anal so being mainstream will likely not change her mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?

First off, do not talk to her about "butt stuff". That term would probably put most people off.

Instead start with something small. Talk about prostate stimulation. And start with something like just some external stimulation with her fingers.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Male receptive anal is not all that uncommon, but it is the sort of thing that will greatly disturb a significant part of the population. Its not fair, but that is how it is. 

When she asked about fantasies, what did you tell her? How did she react?

Do you watch porn together? If so you can find a movie that has a single scene like that and see how she reacts (not a movie all about the topic).

I don't think you ever want to say "tell me your fantasy, and I'll do them whatever they are". Its much better to let each be able to discuss all fantasies, including the utterly unrealistic ones: "I fantasize about being the sex-slave of the Icelandic women's beach-volleyball team". That gives your partner the opportunity to laugh, or possibly say "well, you could be *my* sex slave....".

You have to accept thought that some people simply are not kinky - at all.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I'm just a simple old "C: student here, so maybe I do not understand what you are saying

You state she is your first and only sex partner??? So how have you done "butt stuff" before???? Masturbation with yourself??? If she is your first, it cannot be with another woman.???

Next, so she may not like your fantasy no matter how carefully you tell her. You might not like it if her fantasy is to get gang banged by six guys. 

There is a difference between erotic scenerios and fantasies. 

SOME FANTASIES ARE BETTER NOT ACTED OUT UPON.

But if you two are not open and honest neither of you will know.

Just my $ .02


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

Good input and food for thoughts, thanks.

Yes the only way I tried it is by masturbation.
I cannot go by telling her I did it with others as she knows it never hapenned. We been together for nearly 4 years now and I've never imagined watching porn with her. I really never asked her but she often complains that she thinks im watching porn when shes in her period and it makes her angry (I do watch some).
I'm not too comfortable with openly speaking about that with her, so I try avoiding leading conversations there. I simply cannot imagine a positive output, I'm sure it would end up with her believing that I'm not satisfied with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

uhtred said:


> You have to accept thought that some people simply are not kinky - at all.


She never gave me any cues that we share the same level of "kinkyness". I probably never asked correctly, not knowing how to go about telling her all the things that I think about. I often come to wonder if I should not have though about this before proposing, take time to know her but again I couldn't have imagined I would ever run into such a situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Watch a movie that has a scene (not porn) with prostate stimulation. There are alot of them (comedies) out there and see what her reaction is during the scene. If she makes a face, starts to gag and leaves the room, well I doubt you should tell her about your butt stuff.

If she laughs or is silent, jokingly say "OMG hun, would you do that to me?" If she gets all cross eyed, never broach the subject ever again. If she shoves her hand to your behind, just smile.

If you're doing it in secret I would tell her eventually, better than getting caught with your pants down.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Personally, I would just tell her. She's your wife, tell her what you want to try. I don't see what the big deal is here. If she responds that she will never do that, then you have your answer.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Personally, I would just tell her. She's your wife, tell her what you want to try. I don't see what the big deal is here. If she responds that she will never do that, then you have your answer.


This!!

Stop being so afraid of your spouses, ya'll.


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> This!!
> 
> Stop being so afraid of your spouses, ya'll.


You're so right! I shouldn't be scared but I still am, not sure how to go by such subjects with her... I know she'll try to confront me and try make me believe it's wrong. Each time the subject was mentionned she told me that her gay friend explained her that any anal play ended up with playing with poop and she seemed to strongly believe it. 

I truly dislike speaking for her over and over again on this forum as I cannot really know what she thinks without asking..


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You will never solve this problem if she has no clue what the problem is.

if you need to go to a sex therapist, but that also involves the key word.

it is called communication.

And one last thing. You seem to have these conclusions about your wife's sexual appetite and taste. You'd be surprised how many straight laced women become "****s" to the highest degree when they are having an affair.

And who told you when you got married that she would never be mad at you for something. if she gets mad, remind her she makes you mad sometimes too.


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

I consider myself an horribly bad communicator. Knowing this I try to work on it, but still have a long way to go.

I do consider consulting, there is certainly a lot I'd benefit from it as there's obvious room for improvement. I'm still young though so got plenty of years to work on this..


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Table,

You may be young, but you are not in a healthy marriage right now because you are not communicating. That will lead to other problems, not all necessarily sexual in nature.

And you have been married a few years. You need to get over this being afraid of your wife. There is a difference between being considerate and thoughtful versus walking around on egg shells because she might get mad.

Right now you are withholding a secret that may effect your sexual relationship, which is not good for a young or new marriage. You are at an age where you two should be growing and learning all there is to know of one another.

If she is appalled by your interests, then you either do not act on them or you find a new wife. Right now you are in enough limbo to come on to a forum like this and ask for advice.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Table said:


> You're so right! I shouldn't be scared but I still am, not sure how to go by such subjects with her... I know she'll try to confront me and try make me believe it's wrong. Each time the subject was mentionned she told me that her gay friend explained her that any anal play ended up with playing with poop and she seemed to strongly believe it.
> 
> I truly dislike speaking for her over and over again on this forum as I cannot really know what she thinks without asking..


Is the reason you're telling her, so she will do things to you, that are like these fantasies?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This^^ 

It is not really about fantasies, it's about revealing some parts of yourself that you think she will not accept. 

The problem is that you think your wife may think it's weird and her reaction may effect how she sees you sexually. 

Transparency is important but there is also issues of privacy. I think sharing details about sex acts is voluntary. Sex does not define who you are as long as it is not deviant or criminal. 

The only problem is the toys. It is highly possible that she will find them. Telling under those circumstances will not turn out well. 

Would you be willing to get rid of any discoverable implements in order to preserve your privacy? Be creative or do without aids.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Hmm, not sure I agree. We talk her about LD and HD, but I think there is also LK and HK (low and high kinkiness). (though LD is often correlated with LK)

Some people react really badly to kinky suggestions. The shocked "you want me to do XY???", or "Why would you want that?". 

For the OPs question, some women will be horrified that he is gay. (I know he isn't).

For someone HK, its difficult to imagine. You expect that you would just turn down even an extreme suggestion: "can the dog join us?", "no I don't think I'd like that". You can get a reaction that is more what you would expect for suggestions of real abuse. 










Spicy said:


> Personally, I would just tell her. She's your wife, tell her what you want to try. I don't see what the big deal is here. If she responds that she will never do that, then you have your answer.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Look up the Sinclair institute - that have a variety of DVDs on sex with frank discussion, real couples, and facts along with actual sex videos. It's not porn and many women respond well to it. I would start with simple ones related to positions and then about toys. Use it to start a more open dialog about sex and intimacy.

Sex therapists and other professionals do recommend these sorts of resources.

Also go to the library and get a picture book on sex and love making - something tasteful that a woman would be able to look at with you.

She may respond much better if you show a picture then talk about the couple. Make up a back story - he's been traveling and she's been alone... Missing his touch. Women often respond better to photos because they can engage their mind in a story that appeals to them.

This is the opposite of many men who focus on the acts and imagery.

So reach her on a level that isn't threatening first.

Tell her this us about you wanting to be a better and more in tune husband and lover and you want to learn but also understand what she likes.

AFTER you establish a safe, mutual dialog, THEN you can introduce your more threatening (to her) desires. There is a dvd on anal sex too btw


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Table said:


> You're so right! I shouldn't be scared but I still am, not sure how to go by such subjects with her... I know she'll try to confront me and try make me believe it's wrong. Each time the subject was mentionned she told me that her gay friend explained her that any anal play ended up with playing with poop and she seemed to strongly believe it.
> 
> I truly dislike speaking for her over and over again on this forum as I cannot really know what she thinks without asking..


Your tension and fear will be contagious, and will lead to others getting the subconscious feeling they should be wary. (whether in relationship with your partner, or elsewhere in the world people you interact with)

There is very likely to be a bit of taboo-breaking excitement around the act. And not everyone is into it, or finds it as physically rewarding as their fantasy.

What you have to keep in mind is that this is your _partner_. Would you want her to be honest with you - AND - give you the real choice (without pressure) of doing or not doing it.

Hiding such a (small) secret is really not trusting your partner, and not showing who you really are. In turn you have to be willing to accept that this may be something like spending all your pay on booze and hookers, that you have to go without to have an adult relationship. But if she is truly your partner, she should be told; and you have to be prepared to accept her response is her right to hold.

Personally I would say just about any time in private when neither of you are stressed, tell her you have a fantasy that you've always been curious about. Do so at a time where you don't have to explain it straight away or make her think about it straight away. If she says what, be honest, tell her that its no big deal but you real embarrassed/self-conscious discussing it. She'll probably get really paranoid at that point, so _then_ be prepared to explain yourself, as she probably thinks you're gay or about to run off with the neighbours daughter at this point.


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

Having just reread the entire it seems I have been quite obscure about what I really am trying to achieve. Many truly good input, too. I'll take time think of it all and answer when I get time.



*Deidre* said:


> Is the reason you're telling her, so she will do things to you, that are like these fantasies?


I'd like to get a prostate toy but don't want to do it without her knowing, 
I've just been doing it with my fingers so I currently don't have anything to hide.

I'd like her to get to be ok with the fact that I own such thing. If she wants to do things to me with it I sure would like it but would never force her.

I'm sure telling her I'm getting that would make her angry but she would then ask to just watch me use it and do calls like 'doesnt look that fun' and it would just be the ultimate turnoff and annoying/intimidating situation


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Table said:


> Having just reread the entire it seems I have been quite obscure about what I really am trying to achieve. Many truly good input, too. I'll take time think of it all and answer when I get time.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I've never heard of a prostate toy.  I'd just discuss it with her, and go from there. If it's a 'toy' for your pleasure basically or to enhance your experiences with your wife, it's no different than a vibrator, really.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

While I completely agree, not everyone will. There are a surprising number of people who associate any form of anal play with homosexuality. There really are women who would be utterly horrified by the suggestion. 



*Deidre* said:


> I've never heard of a prostate toy.  I'd just discuss it with her, and go from there. If it's a 'toy' for your pleasure basically or to enhance your experiences with your wife, it's no different than a vibrator, really.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> While I completely agree, not everyone will. There are a surprising number of people who associate any form of anal play with homosexuality. There really are women who would be utterly horrified by the suggestion.


Yes, I can see that. Honestly, not into 'anal' anything. To each their own, but it would be a turn off for me, personally.


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Yes, I can see that. Honestly, not into 'anal' anything. To each their own, but it would be a turn off for me, personally.


I'm absolutely with you on this one. You totally can not be into it and it is a sufficient reason not to do explore such path. Yet if I find myself wanting to explore alone as she isnt interested I don't know how that would play out. Do it right in front of her? Wait to make sure she's not there and do it without her each time? Both ways would likely be an annoying situation for her and understandably.

I did however do a first step and chat casually about our different levels of desire/kinkyness and it went well (a first for me). Really felt constructive, still far from getting where I want to go though!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I've never heard of a prostate toy.  I'd just discuss it with her, and go from there. If it's a 'toy' for your pleasure basically or to enhance your experiences with your wife, it's no different than a vibrator, really.


It's more or less a hook type thing (think S or 9 shape) that inserts and stimulates the prostate.

And its much easier to talk about up front than explain later.

One thing you do have to be concerned about is whether she will feel that means she's not satisfactory or not good enough (that you need something "extra" or "weird" to make sex worthwhile) and possible fears about homosexuality. Bit of a difficulty if you want to be exploratory and experiment with things and your female partner things of sex as essentially socially intimate or as a service she does for you.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@Table for what it's worth my wife does prostate massage on me amongst other things. While I do a plenty of things to my wife that many/most people wouldn't do, yet she has no problem with any of it.

In my experience being very direct and very forward makes it easier for such things to happen.

If you want something tell her, own it and don't be shy about it, so no tap dancing, ambiguous language or evasiveness.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

To expand further, being reticent is a great way to reinforce shame while not inspiring confidence, so in order to avoid reinforcing the out there nature of it you should be very matter of fact about it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I bought a few prostate toys. The first one - the girl at the store recommended a different one but it seemed too pointy and the one I chose was blunt on the end so I thought there would be less chance of damage of some sort.

Ha ha foolish me. I'm a guy and my orifaces are not constantly challenged. Her being a woman and ne being a man - what she thought was communication I took as irrelevant drivel.

What she was saying was "dude that skinny thing is going in your a55 and that blunt thing ain't going anywhere without a fight."

Jeez I wish women could be more direct sometimes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw I bought the toys because I thought why not see what most guys want women to do? What's the truth about anal?

Alone I didn't find it difficult to insert after some work, but I also didn't find it interesting or helpful at all.

On the other hand, W using a knuckle on the prostate / taint area AFTER arousal (before its just "poking") REALLY can enhance your orgasm. I suppose a finger or two or toy could be as good or better. But I tried a toy a few times (I inserted ahead of time and then told her while doing hi or bj) really didn't do anything for me.

So I'm happy with the occasional prostate pressure from the outside.

Something to consider for a start 


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Table said:


> I know I want to tell her but I can't imagine a way to do it that wouldn't feel wrong.
> 
> It feels as if telling her would change the way she sees me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




She's said she hates all anal stuff. 
Your relationship is a going to take a huge tumble when u tell her as it will change the way she sees you. 
If u would have said my gf is open minded about all aspects of sex I would have said go for it. 
She's already told you her boundaries. That is anal so effectively your going to break those and that is never a good idea. 


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw I bought the toys because I thought why not see what most guys want women to do? What's the truth about anal?


I went through a time when I tried to learn to deep throat. Dh did not object.  There was a woman on youtube who could do it like nothing. I was less successful. DH was like what's the deal. He saw a pretty big dildo on the bar at a friends house, picked it up and just BOOM. I was like DAYUM.


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## Table (Aug 12, 2016)

Alright, so I haven't had much time to answer posts in the past days but I've read all of them and been thinking about it.

The more and more I speak to her about sex the more apparent it becomes that we have some trouble communicating.
I've spent an hour talking about it with her and most of what resulted from it was her believing I thought we weren't having sex often enough (we already do 3+times a week).

I think you're making a very good point here Natthewife, about the boundaries but those are her boundaries not mine... I don't want to force her doing anything I'd just like her to be okay with me enjoying prostate massage.

I'm seriously considering looking into those sinclair institute DVD's that were mentioned earlier in the thread, but coming up with them out of nowhere will definitely require some explanation which I haven't spent any time thinking about.

Overall, I think talking about sex more is a good thing, I'm just figuring out how little we actually did and how much we needed to.


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## Guth (Oct 23, 2015)

Hi. You're talking to the king of fantasies here. My wife and I are really into them, and we have sex daily -- many times twice a day. Never more than twice a day!

So what started our fantasy deal is, I'd say 8 years ago, which was 12 years into our marriage. I had an actual dream that she woke up in the middle of the night and had sex with a guy who was in our closet. That morning I told her about this dream. Well my God she started hugging me and screwed my brains out with the wettest she has. It clicked right away the power of fantasies. Then we went through a lot of dirty talk. It focused on swinging, prostitution, police, hotels, blindfolds, everything along those lines. One of my favorites is her going out in a skirt without any underwear. To this day we still get ourselves worked up. She turns me on like every night it's the first time we are making love. We don't put the fantasies into actual fact, but they are the subject of our best sex for sure. We have sex without fantasy talk, but when we get going with dirty talk it really brings out the best in both of us. The mind is such a powerful sexual organ. I hope you don't give up on it. Try to find what makes both of you click. Good luck.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I was a prude. I will admit to it.

One day my H brought home a bag of stuff and said to me that he got me some naught gifts. My lord. The man bought everything. Then, every night he would say, lets try this one tonight. So, that how I got my education on sex toys in the marriage bed.

You need to do the same with your wife. Bring her home a few surprises and then try to figure how they work. Enjoy away my friend.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Personally, I would just tell her. She's your wife, tell her what you want to try. I don't see what the big deal is here. If she responds that she will never do that, then you have your answer.





*Deidre* said:


> This!!
> 
> Stop being so afraid of your spouses, ya'll.



@Table some women are close minded, particularly if they themselves have had a bad experience with regards to a similar aspect of their own sexuality. 

@Spicy and @*Deidre* are not exactly right about advising you to not be afraid of your spouse. In reality you do not want to make HER afraid of you! *If you suspect she will get defensive about it, odds are your instincts are correct.*

My advice is to just accept that prostate play is something that is too unnatural for some wives to accommodate into the marriage bed and just reserve it as a special treat for self exploration. Having said that, you should allow yourself to indulge and go for getting some electrostimulation novelties. Many are now even included with Amazon Prime! 

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes those are her boundaries. Your are much different but HERS still need to be respected for now at least until hers soften if you can make that happen somehow. I stand by what I said, I do believe from a woman perspective that until you can find a work around to softly bring your fantasy in, I would not mention this outright. 
It's delicate due to her boundaries so you run the risk of putting her into a negative chain of thinking.
Go gentle with it. You need to be clever about this one.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

table, my wife was once in the position you are in. she wanted something badly, but she was afraid to come out and tell me. since she never really fully explained what she wanted, i never really understood what she wanted. it led to some discouraging experiences. 

i would say that you should follow Personals advice and just be very matter of fact with her. 

"wife, this turns me on. a lot. its a powerful fantasy of mine that you can use to make me more enthusiastic about pleasing you, and at the same time, you can use it to make me lose my **** during sex. if you want the power to make me lose my sh!t, or make me really WANT to do whatever turns you on, then explore this with me".

she may not bite. she may dive into it. you will never know unless you accept whatever her answer is. as for my wife and i, i decided to fulfill her fantasies. and she has, in turn, decided to fulfill mine. 


get over yourself and talk to her. of course its scary! of course its not easy! it was NEVER going to be easy to begin with! 

so talk to her about it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Personal said:


> To expand further, being reticent is a great way to reinforce shame while not inspiring confidence, so in order to avoid reinforcing the out there nature of it you should be very matter of fact about it.


I agree with this. I still think it would be pretty shocking for her to hear it. But it is his truth, so he should share it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Table said:


> I don't want to force her doing anything I'd just like her to be okay with me enjoying prostate massage.


You do not need her approval or permission for what you enjoy. You were an individual long before you were part of a couple, and have likely had this predilection for a long time.

That does not mean she needs to be a part of it at all. And I think you are right that it may change how she sees you. 

But it is your truth, the truth about the intimate you. If she does not know it, she is not fully knowing you.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

jld said:


> You do not need her approval or permission for what you enjoy. You were an individual long before you were part of a couple, and have likely had this predilection for a long time.
> 
> That does not mean she needs to be a part of it at all. And I think you are right that it may change how she sees you.
> 
> But it is your truth, the truth about the intimate you. If she does not know it, she is not fully knowing you.


If she doesn't want to go there he has to be careful how he handles the desire. Sneaking around and self-satisfying "his wants" because she won't play can be a problem if _she_ sees it detracting from the relationship - it becomes a type of PA, where he seeks his gratification away from the partnership.

He also has to realise that she is her own person, and it is not a matter of being a manipulative "type of person" in trying to soften or manage... or "groom" her into a position where she might do it for him. Such choices are hard to bring about in our partners which is why we must have two-way respect to make long-term fidelity work.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

One hard thing is the need to have your spouse respect. However, if you absolutely need their validation to feel good about yourself then you are in a co-dependent relationship, which is not good. 

Ask yourself and your spouse, if you can't share your most intimate secret (fantasy) with them, then who can you share it with? If they say don't share it with them, then the question for them is do they want to be a full part of your sex life or do they want you to keep part of your sex life a secret from them. Tell them that you are not ashamed of your sexuality and curiosity. If they don't begin to see the problem with that, then perhaps they need to think about things with the help of a sex therapist. 

Good luck.


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