# I really f**ked up now!



## cookw06 (May 14, 2010)

i need all the help i can get right now. i f**ked up bad. within the last few months my mind hasnt been right as far as my marriage goes. i have been upset and angry over my work life and home life. work and money have been stressing me out and minimal sex has not been helping. if i am stressed from work or our financial issues i would take it out on my wife (not in the physical way) and causing arguments. my mind just hasnt been in my marriage and causing me to act this way. just recently my wife took a trip to ny to visit family. i stayed home because i had to work. while she was gone, i was bored and lonely. i decided to surf the net for xxx match sites. it started off by just browsing the photos to kill time than i moved on to opening an account and than on to adding a photo and an ad. i never commented or messaged anyone or made an attempt to meet with anyone. i would never cheat on my wife under any circumstances. my wife came back from her vacation last week. just last night she had a girls night out and when she was at her friends house, her single friend showed her some sites she likes to view. it just so happens one of them was the same site i was on and this friend also had me in her top 5 favs. i never met this friend before. now although, the pic i posted on the site did not show my face, my wife still knew it was me. my wife confronted me about it today and i have no excuse or not a valid one at least. she is hurt and upset and rightfully so. i thinked i just ruined my marriage. what is it that i can do, if anything, to fix this? my wife left and said she was going for a ride. she didnt say she was going to leave me but she didnt say she was going to stay either. i have since deleted my account. i have nothing else to hide, other than this i did nothing wrong. what hurts my wife most about this incident is that it is not the first time. before we got married 5 years ago, while she was away at college, i set up accounts on regular match sites but back than i was talking to people. i never met anyone or cheated but i did chat. i swore to her that i would never do it again and it was at least 6-7 years ago that that all happened. am i as f**ked as i think i am? is my marriage over?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't want to beat you when you're down but I will ask questions that I think you should ask yourself and be able to answer honestly. 

You hurt her once and then repeated the same activity risking hurting her again. Are you sure you want to be married? If you were single you could go on all the sites you want and not hurt anyone. Why stay married and torture your poor wife. It might be better to let her go, she can find a quality man who love and cherishes her enough not to hurt her. 

Did you know that cheaters like you are the worse kind for a loyal spouse, a serial cheater. Your insecurity is so deep and you are so needy for female reassurance that you don't care about the feelings of anyone but yourself. If your wife is knowledgable and recognizes what a poor risk you are for her long term happiness, she will cut her loses now. What will happen when the next stress comes along, or she gets pregnant or sick? I think you know how weak you are and you will forget your fear now and have a PA. After all you got away with it twice why not throw the dice again and again.

I think that is what your poor wife will have to deal with if she stays in a marriage with a man like you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It is good that you are taking responsibility for your actions, and that you realize that you could lose something very precious, your marriage. 

Become completely open and honest with your wife. Let her see all of your e-mails, give her your password to all accounts so she can regain confidence that you are not doing anything further to jeopardize your marriage.

It takes a while to rebuild trust, so be patient. Be aware of her emotional needs, and take action to put deposits in her love bank. Do fun things together that you both like, things that you did when you first fell in love.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice. Be proactive, and start work on fixing yourself for you, not her. Find an individual counsellor, and make an appointment ASAP. Find out what's causing you to do inappropriate and unacceptable things, and deal with them. You need to do this whether your wife accepts you back or not, as you'll just take this to your next relationship if you don't. And by showing your wife that you recognize that you have a problem but are trying to fix it, you have a chance of fixing your marriage as well.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

PBear said:


> My advice. Be proactive, and start work on fixing yourself for you, not her. Find an individual counsellor, and make an appointment ASAP. Find out what's causing you to do inappropriate and unacceptable things, and deal with them. You need to do this whether your wife accepts you back or not, as you'll just take this to your next relationship if you don't. And by showing your wife that you recognize that you have a problem but are trying to fix it, you have a chance of fixing your marriage as well.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you being honest to yourself? How far would have gone in the future had you not been caught? It's like your behavior is escalating and if I were your wife, I'd wonder where this would have ended had I not found out. The occasional email and chat flirtation, dates? Thing is if you were just bored one weekend and playing around, you would have deleted account then. I think you're lying to yourself - not about how far you went, but how far you would have taken it.
I would be pro-active about actions you are willing to take to fix yourself once and for all and pray your wife is a forgiving sort. I have really strict boundaries and I would be done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Another question people here have missed.

Why was your wife at her friends looking at these type of sites?

Still, you screwed up big time by what you did, you need to rethink your priorities.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sounds like you did a really stupid thing in a weak moment, have been having some hard times, lack of sex , lack of undersanding, financial pressures, alot going on. 

Now is a time to show *humility* to your wife, *be transparent*, if you could explain WHAT drove you to do this, things lacking in the marraige , that hurt you deep down, do so. 

But so true, when you were 'found out" instead of coming clean on your own, this is a double/triple whammy of what it could have been -had you handled your temptations better and had the communcation going strongly in your marraige. Some women will never forgive something like this, or you will be eating dirt for years. 

Personally I feel the HIDING of it is way worse than what you accually did - but that is just me! I see this as getting close to the Crick bank but NOT jumping in. You were obviosuly reaching out for something that is lacking in your marraige- probably some kind of "connection", some understanding you are not getting at home, of coarse it sounds like you contributed to that quite a bit !! 

SO MAKE this a priority now, be proactive in communicating to your wife, bare your heart, be the best husband you can be. Consider the Love dare as an example, to show you how to love day in and day out fully, thankfully to have what you have. 

Amazon.com: The Love Dare (9780805448856): Stephen Kendrick, Alex Kendrick: Books

From here in- vow "NO secrets" - this helps keep husbands & wives accountable to each other. It may also cause some fights if she is holding out on the sex though! Women need to understand that men get RESTLESS here and this is a no small deal, it causes weaknesses to rise up in men. 

I consider you human, not a monster. YOu came here, opened yourself up, admitted your wrong, you sound like you want to take responsibility for it. It could be a new crossroads in your marraige, or it could be the end if she feels this is a "deal breaker" -on par with infiidelity.


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## alg1208 (Jul 29, 2011)

Yessir. You f'd up for sure. The good news? You didn't *actually*cheat. The bad news? You just KILLED her trust. 

I've gone through almost this same exact scenario with my wife. We weren't married at the time but I was chatting with girls and had a profile on a site like that. It was a terrible thing and I'm lucky she forgave me. 

She forgave...she didn't forget. It's been about 3 years...maybe closer to 4 since that happened. She had absolutely no trust at all for me for about a year and a half. Even after we had gotten married. I haven't done anything like that since and never would again. My love and respect for my wife has grown immensely and I think it really came down a lot to me just growing up. I know she still struggles with trust a little in her mind but its been so long that she's essentially stopped being vocal about it. I think she trusts me more or less and I wouldn't do anything to F that up. 

With that said...do everything you can to get her back. And then DON'T F IT UP.


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## cookw06 (May 14, 2010)

thank you all for the help. it is truly appreciated. for right now the incident is over. we had a long talk with some screaming and crying involved. she did tell me she wants to work at it. she also stated that this is my last straw. i know one of you said that something must be wrong with me for doing it again. the first few times this happened years ago my intentions were to act on the comments and chats online. maybe not necessarily cheat but at least possibly go meet people. i never did actually do that though. at that time, i was dating my wife and she was away at college and i was lonely or just plain in need of female companionship i guess. still not an excuse, i know. this new incident, i truly do not know the reason. i didnt chat, flirt, meet, or cheat. i just signed up and browsed. her being a school teacher and having summers off gives her many opportunities to go visit family back in ny while i am working. this time she went for a week and i guess i was bored. i do not truly know what i was thinking. but one of you guys said that if it wasnt important than i would have deleted the account. yes that probably would have been the smart idea to do. since she came home i actually have not been on the site or paying attention to the emals the site would send out. i forgot that i even set it up. as far as why she was on the sites with her friend, she told me that at the party she was at this friend of hers is single and in my wifes words, a tramp, went on the site to show her this other guy she met on there from town. as they were going through the site my wife saw a pic that looked like someone she knew and asked to click on it. low and behold it was me and this friend (who i never met) rated the photo i put up. well, it looks like i have a second chance and i need to make this work. timing of her finding out couldnt be any worse. this coming thursday is our 5 year wedding anniversary. how the hell can i make that special now? damn, i'm an idiot!


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## alg1208 (Jul 29, 2011)

Ha...i'd say you need to do something BIG for your anniversary.


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## cookw06 (May 14, 2010)

Yea I would like to do something big but she told me she wants nothing now! That's where I am lost.


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## alg1208 (Jul 29, 2011)

Why don't you plan something romantic? Also...is there anything she's been wanting for a long time? Show her you've been listening by giving it to her. I don't just mean things you can buy either...it could be anything. Whatever is important to her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I still think you should invest in some individual counselling... Just because you don't know what your reason was doesn't mean there isn't one. Something that needs to be dealt with.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cookw06 (May 14, 2010)

I will look into the individual counseling. I think that would be great help as well. It will take awhile until this goes away and rightfully so. Today, I woke up so depressed and ashamed. I am currently at work and keeping to myself. It feels almost as if I was the one who was hurt. I know I did not cheat but in the same sense it is like I did and it hurts her and myself. I left for work 30 minutes earlier than I normally do. My wife was still sleeping. She did call me to say she loves me and I had tears come down my face. How can I move past this pain as well?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cook, I was on the receiving end of what you did, the wife in your situation.

I believed him when he said he never met anyone and no reason he ever gave me for why he did what he did was satisfactory. I thought I was over it but about a year later, it reared its ugly head and I realized, after that happened, I never saw him int he same light again. I lost trust for him. And I realized I was never truly "over it." Sucks.

I have never read a single thread where the husband is caught soliciting sex online via those dating/sex/hook up sites and comes out and tells his wife that Yes, he was goign to meet with someone and had the intent of cheating on her. Every single thread I've read--the husband/boyfriend says "Idk why I did it. It was stupid. I didn't mean to meet anyone. I didn't meet anyone. I didn't cheat." And I have read literally tons of these threads. It's crazy that they all say the same thing.

What you can do is make it up to her any/every way possible. Show empathy, humility, apologize genuinely and acknowledge her pain/feelings. Promise never to do it again.

You say you didn't intend to cheat but I can't understand how anyone can go online on XXX sites posting ads w/ zero intention of going through with it. It makes no sense. 

Get therapy for yourself, go to Marriage counselling with her. If you don't even know why you did it, then you have a big problem you need to have worked out. That is paramount.

Before all of that though -- Truly decide if you want to be married and you are willing to give her the committment she deserves. If you can't do that, then let her go. It's only fair.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You are lucky that your 5 year anniversary is coming up. Don't believe that she doesn't want anything. This is your chance to show her how sorry you are, and for the two of you to re-connect. Think what she might like. A limousine ride to a fancy restaurant? A night in a bed and breakfast? Tickets to a concert? 

Make her feel special, that she is the only one in your life, that you would marry her all over again, and your marriage will thrive.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> I still think you should invest in some individual counselling... *Just because you don't know what your reason was doesn't mean there isn't one. Something that needs to be dealt with.*
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

cookw06 said:


> I will look into the individual counseling. I think that would be great help as well. It will take awhile until this goes away and rightfully so. Today, I woke up so depressed and ashamed. I am currently at work and keeping to myself. It feels almost as if I was the one who was hurt. I know I did not cheat but in the same sense it is like I did and it hurts her and myself. I left for work 30 minutes earlier than I normally do. My wife was still sleeping. She did call me to say she loves me and I had tears come down my face. How can I move past this pain as well?


You keep saying that you did not cheat but you did cheat. You are a serial cheater. You were caught too early to get what you were looking for. Because you are so unaware, you will probably do it again but avoid the mistakes you made before. 

Do you really think that you would have resisted a woman who offered you sex? After all, it took just one week of "loneliness" for you to completely forget about the pain you would caused your wife in the past. 

It does not take much of personal pain for you to feel sorry for yourself and completely overcome what little love you have for your wife. 

How dare she go away from you, entitled as you are to constant attention. Does she need to stay around to watch you just to prevent you from cheating. What a horrible life for her; instead of a wife she is a guard. 

You seem absorbed with your pain, excusing your behavior, justifying your actions because your wife was away for as little as a week. 

If you thought about your wife there may be hope. But because your feelings are for yourself only, your feelings will fade shortly and you'll be up to your old tricks when she leaves for another week. Poor wife! 

I feel so sorry for your wife, I doubt that she realizes the extent of your problems or she would run. I think she and any children that she has will be in for a great deal of heartache in the future. All because of one self centered man.

If you can muster any compassion at all you NEED therapy. You NEED to explore why you have so little impulse control that you care little about the pain and humiliation you have caused your wife.


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## cookw06 (May 14, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> You keep saying that you did not cheat but you did cheat. You are a serial cheater. You were caught too early to get what you were looking for. Because you are so unaware, you will probably do it again but avoid the mistakes you made before.
> 
> Do you really think that you would have resisted a woman who offered you sex? After all, it took just one week of "loneliness" for you to completely forget about the pain you would caused your wife in the past.
> 
> ...


Well Catherine, thanks for making me feel worse than I already do. What a great way to put it. Tell me how you really feel why don't ya. You asked me, "Do you really think that you would have resisted a woman who offered you sex?" and my answer is yes. I say this because in teh week that my wife was gone and I did this, I recieved solicitations. I never once responded. I read them and deleted them. It is not an excuse but the only answer I have seemed to come up with on why I did this was because of the lack of sex in our relationship. Again, it is not an excuse but as a guy, the lack of sex makes you feel even lonelier. A few years ago when I was caught doing this it was not on XXX match sites, it was just traditional match sites. Now although I was in a committed relation ship dating my wife at the time, she was away at college an we didnt see each other for months at a time. I never once physically cheated on my wife and I know I will never. I have allowed opportunities and I have been out with guys and opportunities arose. I have never once acted on those opportunities. I realize now after talking to all of you (besides Catherine who seems to be a man-hater), I need to appreciate the chance my wife is giving me and do what I can to solidiy that for years to come. I need to seek counseling and I will. I need to do something special for our anniversary and I will. I do want to be in a committed relationship, if I didn't I would not have been with her for 11 years. Everyone does stupid mistakes in relationships, I unfortunately made the worst kind of stupid mistakes. Thanks again everyone.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry Cook, why did you not say this in your oringinal post!!!! :scratchhead::scratchhead:

Being in a sex starved marriage makes you lonely and feel unloved, did you not realize this? The fact that this happens when she left to visits family for a week is significant. 

She can't spend intimate time letting you know that she loves you the way you need to feel loved but, she can leave you for a week. You said you did not know why you did it. Don't you think this is the reason? 

Your sex drive and need for intimacy with your wife is normal and vital to sustain your connection with her. Did you know that? 

I don't think you understand your self as a man and you should read about male sexuality and sexless marriages. You wil understand yourself better. 

You definately need MC. Your marriage wil not survive as it is. You have to give your wife a chance to fix your problems. She must realize what the lack of sex and intimacy is doing to you. It this may be driving you to do things that make your feel ashamed. 

You need MC to help you deal with this issue.

I don't hate men, I hate deception. Things are not black and white. I think you are in a great deal of pain and that mitigates your desperate acts. 

You may want to make a post in the Men's Clubhouse section with more info on your marriage when you get a chance. Make a like back to this thread. There are men there who may be able to help you. The very best of luck.


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