# DD 6-20-2011 struggling with everyday



## SoulsEnd (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry in advance but typing it all out helps with the anger,

It was a Monday night on 6-20 when the wife came home from work and seemed a bit tired, I told her if she wanted to, go lie down for a bit and I will get started on dinner. I had noticed over the past couple months that she wasn't leaving her iphone on the charger in our kitchen next to mine. I decided it was time to find it.....let me give you some background.

We have been married for 18 years together 20 and have two great children, a 12 and 13 year old. People would usually measure there relationship strength next to us. We were THAT couple that had such a strong relationship and were so deeply in love. My wife is a very successful business women. We have spent the last 15 years both working on her career success so that meant I would stay home with a sick child or pick them up from school with the sore throat so that she could focus on her work. I'm an auto mechanic by trade and the scheduling in my field has always been lacked enough to allow me the time needed to tend to our kids. If she needed to go out of town on business, I was the one staying behind, tending to the house, kids, dogs ect. Making dinner most nights, helping kids with homework, the usual stuff. All things a spouse would do. She just turned 40 last year and is now the senior director at her company with a VP position being the next step. With all this being said, she is obviously the bread winner in our house which to me was the happiest problem any husband could have. I make maybe 35-40k where as she is at closer to 130-40K. We even made sure that all our retirement moneys went maxed into her 401k thru her work for the matching aspect.

Over the past year, after her 40th birthday party (sept), I noticed she was becoming alittle withdrawn. I chalked it up to hitting the big 40 and work dragging on her. I tried to re-assure her that she will be alright, that things will work themselves out. Since then, she received two promotions at work to her current position. Her direct supervision had taken her under his wing and was helping guide her in the promotions. I even sat down with him along with the wife and other coworkers of hers and thanked him over a beer for being my wifes “support” at her company and without having someone in your corner, hitting the levels shes at can be difficult.

Now into 2011, she has become even more withdrawn and has now started to resent my current hobbies. Over lunch in April, she told me that she thought that SHE need help and was unsure who she was anymore. She also told me that she feels second to my hobby (leatherworking and steampunk -google it if you don't know what it is). I told her I would back off on these things and focus more on her. At this point I think it was too late. Red flag had officially gone up. My reaction as she withdrew was also to withdraw. I thought “if your not going to put in the effort why should I?” Don't get me wrong, we still had great times during these last few months and at no point had our sex life suffer. I accepted the fact that our relationship had just hit a valley and it would soon be back on an upswing.

Back to D.D. 6-20-11

I found her iphone on a wallcharger in her office. I picked it up and saw the last text on the screen from her boss saying “I am your love and you are mine, I'm so happy we can reminisce about our short time together”. I was in shock. I dropped the phone, walked past the bedroom where she was napping and went downstairs where are kids were watching tv and sat in my office is disbelief. After about 20 minutes I had convinced myself that it was a joke so I went back to her phone, picked it up and opened up the text page. All of the text from this man have been deleted but this one came in after she got home so she didn't have time. As I was holding the phone another text came in from him “, maybe we could honeymoon in Poland?”

At this point, I walked into our bed, phone in hand, and softly called her name. When she woke I said, when you have a clear head, we need to talk? She took a second or two and sat up. I took out her phone and showed her the text and asked “what is this?” First response, “what are you doing with my phone?” and next was “I'm sorry?” with a ? mark at the end. We spent the rest of the first night talking back and forth saying all the typical things one might say in this situation, how many times, for how long, how could you jeopardize your marriage, family and career. We decided then that we would seek a therapist. We also decided that she needed to end it with OM both of which she did (or so I thought) the next morning.

Her boss is from another country and is here in the US with his wife and three kids on a temporary work program. He was suppose to return early this year but had his time here extended to next year. I told her I needed him to leave now and go back to …....... She said after they broke it off that he would work on getting an internal transfer and that she would have to talk with him anymore. I found out a week later from an email I saw that he was “missing her terribly and couldn't wait to hold her again in his Tahoe” I called her out on it again and she apologized...again... stating that she had broken it off but he was still being persistent. She told me she would hard core end it the following morning. I asked her to record the break up with her iphone and she agreed (I never listened to it and has since been deleted) 

At our first group therapy session, I was asked what I wanted to do and I said i'm in for fixing the relationship and would like to rebuild what we had even though I know it would never be the same. When she was asked “I don't know, my head is such a mess, I don't know” At which time it was decided that in order for us both to work out our personal problems, one of us would have to leave. So guess who's living in an economy studio 10 minutes from his own house. You guessed it.

Facts. E.A. 6 months
P.A. 2 months with roughly 5 encounters
All this is based on what she has said to me. As of now i'm currently unable to access our att account and view phone recorded as “all that will do is cause more damaged to you”.

HELP


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

she had no respect for the 20 years, don't speak to your wife, record all evidence and hire at attorney, you would keep your kids and she will pay child support. 
she broke it all after she said she does not know what she want and her head is a mess, which means she does not want to work on the relationship.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

My heart goes out to you. My own whirlwind tour of EA on stbxh's part ends 7/19 in divorce court. Took 4 months to get here.

Told me he hadn't liked or loved me for 18 months but actions didn't match what he said and he couldn't explain all the gifts and his words. He said he didn't know. 

There is not much you can do if the other person doesn't know what they are doing or how they are feeling because they are in denial.

Get ready for the ride of your life but I think it ends with a huge amount of self growth. Living through the pain, dealing with the issues without running away from them will make you whole and ready for the next phase in your life. Who knows you may reconcile...

I wish you the best and keep posting. It does help. Every little thing that you share helps you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The fact that she won't allow you access to her phone means she is still involved and you can't save a marriage when she is still with him.

It's been said time and time again here and on other infidelity message boards that the following has to occur before you can reconcile-

1) No contact with the OM/OW
2) WS must allow BS spouse access to everything including passwords, emails, etc. IOW, the WS privacy is null and void
3) WS must answer any and all questions on details of the affair repeatedly
4) once the affair is addressed then you can work on your marital problems that led up to the affair

without compliance and contrition of your wife to stop the affair and be completely open you have NO shot at keeping your marriage together in a healthy manner (unless you are happy with her cheating). Thus most of believe you need to spell out what needs to be done or else you will file/separate/kick her out/leave etc.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

GO BACK HOME NOW!

You have been the primary caregiver of your children, if anyone should leave it should be her, courts take moving out as abandonment and she could be awarded physical custody of the kids and you hit with child support. Lawyer up now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you reported the relationship to the company HR department? Him being her immediate supervisor puts this into very serious territory and it's likely they have a company policy about senior level employees, especially ones in supervisor roles having relationships like this.

She'll be angry etc. but right now she's continuing to see him each day and you've been kicked out of your own home. They've had no consequences, while you've lost your home and family.

This could well get the company to send him back to where he came from ASAP. Which would really help stop physical contact.

Have you told the other guys wife? To bring pressure from that side?

Why are you the one who moved out? 

Have you visited an attorney yet? 

Have you found out it you would be able to sue the company for allowing this to happen between senior level employees? I'm assuming he's a VP if he's above her. Remember VP's etc are executives and they have to play by different conduct rules and regular employees. Use that to your advantage.

You started off strong in dealing with this, but you've slowed down and allowed her to take charge of how it's gonna go. She's not going to respect you or treat you right if you let her do that. She is the one who cheated, she is the one who needs to get busy fixing what she destroyed.


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## SoulsEnd (Jul 17, 2011)

Thanks for the support everyone.

@Mort - I am working on some seperation papers and am also going work out a week rotation at the house with kids. your right, its not fair that im the one out and I think she needs to also feel the penalty of sleep in this shanty.

@Shaggy - I havent reported this yet to the HR. That bridge is still a ways down the road. I was told that he put in for a transfer but since then, our therapist has stopped us from communicating on anything other then day to day stuff. It was decided (though I felt railroaded) that wife should be the one at the house but the more I think about it, to hell with that. If anything we share our time at the house. I have not told his wife and the only thing stopping me is putting his wife and kids thru the same hell that ive been forced to live in. Not to say it isnt coming but I havent pulled that trigger yet. Also, yes he is a VP so it would be interesting to see how that plays out.

We have a group therapy session tomorrow and I plan on covering the following:

Joint time at the house with kids

Access to the ATT account so I can start making decisions based on facts

Seperation papers

Also I plan on making an appt with laywer and getting some legal advice


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

It sounds like you have set the right course for yourself. I'm sorry this has happened to you and wish you the best.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The way you talk about it, it sounds like the therapist is working for your wife more than the marriage. The therapists suggestions sound more like a restraining order on you than therapy for dealing with your wife's affair and ending it.

Are you sure this is the therapist for you? Not all of them know what they are doing, or are a good fit for every situation.

While I do think you need to get back into your house, I don't recommend your wife leaving. That will only give her more free time to hook up with the OM.

You seem to be operating on the believe that she really has ended it with him. Yet, she has blocked you from seeing the phone bill, given you even less transparency than before your discovery. 

It sounds like the affair is still going on and you've been very effectively removed from the picture.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

SoulsEnd said:


> @Shaggy - I havent reported this yet to the HR. That bridge is still a ways down the road. I was told that he put in for a transfer but since then, our therapist has stopped us from communicating on anything other then day to day stuff. It was decided (though I felt railroaded) that wife should be the one at the house but the more I think about it, to hell with that. If anything we share our time at the house. I have not told his wife and the only thing stopping me is putting his wife and kids thru the same hell that ive been forced to live in. Not to say it isnt coming but I havent pulled that trigger yet. Also, yes he is a VP so it would be interesting to see how that plays out.


On telling OM's Wife. Nobody wants to put someone else through hell, but would you want to know? Having OMW know also puts additional pressure on the affair to stop completely with no contact at all. Only when that is done can your Wife have any clear idea of what she wants. Everything she is deciding now is within the fog of choice.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The wife deserves to know what kind of man she married to. The hell she will go through will be even worse after more years wasted being married to this man.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Right now there are 3 people in your marriage. You do not have a marriage and at this point there is no moving foward. 

You need to tell this mans wife and the company. She is blowing smoke up your ass because she does not respect you and thinks she can keep on cake eating. 

Next, move home. 

You need to come to a conclusion about what you want. If you want to attempt recon, you need to be more aggreasive with the suggestions you have been given.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

go back home, guy. she should be the one to leave, if anyhting. some therapists aren't always right. you also need to expose this to thier job and his wife. don't wait. act now in order to kill this affair. the more time you waste conemplating, the more time they have to plot their little trysts.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

SE,

Separation will only allow her to continue with the affair but without feeling guilty because she will take the separation as not being married to you. 

So screw the separation and simply go the route of divorce because I can tell you that once the two of you are legally separated, she will resume the affair with him, count on it.

I often tell people to read the link to the thread titled 'Just Let Them Go' but feel that I am wasting my time or that they are too lazy in clicking on the link, so this time I will quote it below:



> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> ...


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## SoulsEnd (Jul 17, 2011)

Thanks for all the advice and tomorrows group session should be a doozy. All things will depend on how it goes. I do have all plans of telling OMW but at this point I think I will hold of on her job. She is the main money maker and for my kids, thats still important. Not saying I wont in the future. 

@Morituri...Just let them go was an eye opener for me. I could see that speech getting used tomorrow with some minor changes to make it a touch more personal.

I will report back after therapy...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No matter how hard it is do not empower her by showing her how weak you feel.
Muster up the strength by showing the confidence that you can move on with out her and that you will not begg or plead for the marriage.
Empower your self by giving your wife the perseptionthat it is up to her to *win you back*.

Do not be the guy to say " I will do any thing for the marriage" that will for sure empower her. Walk around like your the bad @ss and have no problem walking away from a cheating wife.

This will for sure get her second guessing her self. Most likely she sees you as the nice guy who will beg for her...well show her how strong you are, and you will see your wife back peddle.

Let her be the confussed one....you my friend are not (no matter how you really feel) you are the one that can see very clearly that if *you want her back * then she will have to do the heavy lifting.

I get it...I know how it feels, but let me tell you if for one second she thinks she has the power, she will for sure tell you how its going to be. 

I know its risky but you have a better chance playing it this way and having her call your bluff and bailing then begging and having her tell you " I need time" or " I need space"

Man you will be stuck in limbo if you don't play the bad @ss tough dude!.

To really play it off you must come to terms with the fact that you do not want her. she realy has to believe you mean what you say.
No matter how hard it is, pushing her away will make her second guess her choices.

Wierd, I know but folks want what they don't have, so give her taste of what it will be like when your not around.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You should have told her HR and OMW as soon as you found out. Now, they have certainly polished their stories and got them straight for when you do tell.

Expose the affair to everyone involved-because, judging by the sound of it, you now have nothing to lose.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Go Home. That is important. 
Separation allows the affair to grow. 
Let her go.

This will take time whatever way it goes. 

The bottom line is that your dead in the water until that affair ends.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

SoulsEnd said:


> Thanks for the support everyone.
> 
> @Mort - I am working on some seperation papers and am also going work out a week rotation at the house with kids. your right, its not fair that im the one out and I think she needs to also feel the penalty of sleep in this shanty.
> 
> ...


Do not call her HR dept and report this. You have a strong case for alimony and child support and if she loses her job you may have to pay her. I would always see if it is possible to reconsile the marriage and keep your family together but if that dont work hit her where it hurts. And move back home, that is viewed as abandonment and can be used against you in court. I would also recommend seeking a bulldog lawyer and just get some advise asap.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*I have not told his wife and the only thing stopping me is putting his wife and kids thru the same hell that ive been forced to live in. *

I am sure the OM is happy with this!!! No wonder he keeps trying....no consequences!!! Don't for one instant think this just stopped!!! Keep looking!!! Also go home!!!!


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## SoulsEnd (Jul 17, 2011)

So todays group session,

I am back in the house this coming Monday then we are on a week by week rotation.

She at first denied me access to the ATT account yet in the waiting room she actually let me back up her iphone on my laptop that I brought with me. Guess what info I have...ALL included the text messages.

But before I even had a chance to read them, I asked her what she was afraid I would find by looking at the ATT bill and It came out that she was still having an EA and possibly PA with OM. Thats when she got...

The end result speech...

if you cant make the decision, I will make it for you and im no longer an option...yadda yadda yadda


After that, I sat down with a lawyer. So it begins

Getting ready to read these texts should be fun


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Contact the OM's wife and let her know of the affair, it is the decent thing to do and do contact the HR department and let them know as well, state that they were using company time and assets to conduct the affair. 

If anything he will be sent back to his country of origin and will be doing damage control. Use copies of the texts as evidence.

Don't hide this away the only reason why your wife is behaving as she is is due to the lack of consequences and fear on your side.

Furthermore let her parents know and yours, you will need their support as going forward your wife is likely to follow the script and will try gaslight you.


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## SoulsEnd (Jul 17, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Contact the OM's wife and let her know of the affair, it is the decent thing to do and do contact the HR department and let them know as well, state that they were using company time and assets to conduct the affair.
> 
> If anything he will be sent back to his country of origin and will be doing damage control. Use copies of the texts as evidence.
> 
> ...


Telling her parents is her cross to bare but I'm pretty sure her mom already knows. As for OMW, I stopped by his house during business hours but no one was home. I will make sure she is made aware. I can't (at this point) contact the HR dept as my childrens well being and quality of life will be in jeapordy. At this point, I want the divorce process started, my fair shake on child support and alimony and move the f... on.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

You are doing the right thing here. Take control. You stay at home. She goes. 

The kids are your priority. Make them happy even if you are sad.

Get the Divorce started. Let her know you mean business and get the OM wife clued up asap. 

Find out more about the country of origin, his Visa type, temporary and for how long. If he has to leave, what about his wife and kids. Is the Visa on the basis that as long as he is here, the kids and wife stay. It's gonna be turmoil at his place once OM wife finds out.

Wifey needs a new boss. You might accelerate his return home if company knows. Maybe you might want to speak to HR to express your concerns for your children, family and your wife's job but, only on the basis that she keeps her position because you want to get as much alimony as possible if it goes that far. 

With OM wife in the picture soon, it will prove interesting to see how this fantasy that is destroying two families is going to pan out. Maybe OM wife might enlighten you when you speak to her about the Visa situation. OM wife might know, or not depending on how up frontOM is with his wife and let's face it, that's unlikely with his illicit affair.

Whatever you do, keep the kids happy. Their happiness is your happiness at the moment during this sad period in your life.

You are now in control and have taken the initiative. You have already cleared her head. OM is the deal. . You are not an option at least at this point in time.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Telling her parents is her cross to bare but I'm pretty sure her mom already knows.


Tell her mother and stop hiding away, if you are unwilling to tell her mother the truth how are you going to survive a divorce. 



> I can't (at this point) contact the HR dept as my childrens well being and quality of life will be in jeapordy.


THis is an excuse to do nothing , companies deal with affairs daily, in this case they are likely to have a brief interview with the OM and your wife, check the expenses to see if they have been fraudulent and remove the OM by sending him back home. Stop making excuses and take the steps. 

If she resigns today and has no job you will use the same excuse, all your attorney has to prove is she was in a well paid job and has the same earning potential elsewhere, the court will then enforce the payments.

Man up , this is not our plan, it is a workable a plan that has been used successfully by many a betrayed spouse.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Times a wastin. A lot of time has already been wasted it seems to me. Keep doing your research here. Most of this stuff isn't opinion, it is almost fact. Call the HR.

You are the only one on your side in this 3 person marriage. Need to even the odds and then bring into your favor.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Stay strong, take the kids and the house and make her pay child support and become stay home dad, you will love like a king.
you will find a faithful wife one day


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm sorry, but has it yet been fully established that there's no chance at R here? With 100% clarity and no cake-eating choice, she doesn't want to / won't work at R, do what it takes, go full NC, work with (a new) MC, and attempt to save this marriage? All the advice here is get Divorced... which may in fact be the right net result, but if you want it to work and could see yourself forgiving and moving on, has the last-ditch effort been made here? Just asking. I know her actions thus far, in the fog, have been to trickle-truth and not really go NC, but have you spelled it out in black & white - "Choose: him or me with my rules?" 

As for you not causing the OM's wife and family any pain, just remember: YOU didn't do this, HE did. You're just pointing it out and opening her eyes to what has happened...no guilt whatsoever on your part. And it's kind of the only thing you can realistically do back at him...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Tell your wife's lovers, wife---she deserves to know----so she can make an informed decision about the rest of her life---also if you do decide to R---she can help you control any contact---but no matter what she deserves to know what she is married to!!!!!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

There still is time for R, heck, I heard of one M that was saved as they were walking in to sign the final D papers!

Stay the course, Soulsend. Tell the HR dept., his W, her family and friends, they may or may not do anything, but she'll definitely see that you are indeed serious, and you can always R later, that is, if you still want her.

And, if you decide to ultimately divorce, use the ex-wife's maxim:

"Don't get mad-get everything!"


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