# I've lost interest in sex life



## p0k3rf4n (Apr 18, 2012)

I've been married for almost 11 years to my beautiful wife. I love her like nothing else in the world, she's been my lover, friend, partner and many more things and on top of everything she gave me my 2 beautiful children.
For many years I (like most men) was always after her for sex. She is extremely pretty and I loved getting any opportunity to have sex with her. Even after our second child was born, my sex drive was always on, I never lost interest as I always found her very attractive.
I understand women don't have the same sex drive as us men do, and many times I was rejected when ask her to have sex. And that was something that upset me somehow but at the same time I always understood.
A few months ago I started a bit of an experiment as I didn't want to feel guilty for going after my wife for sex all the time. I decided I was going to play indifferent, dont ask for sex, dont make any sexual comments, play it cool. When she asked me I told her what I felt, that I didn't want to be the only one in the relationship starting things and that I wanted her to show initiative and start things from time to time. 
That worked quite well for 2 weeks. After that we fell into a place we hadn't been before. Neither one of us is looking for the other. We are barely having sex a few times a month and most of the time are we are both looking for an excuse to fight.
Today I feel really bad. I can say I've lost interest in my wife. I still love her and love to be around her, but when the time comes and we are alone in bed I feel like a stranger, we no longer have nice talks or anything like that...if I see her naked I actually turn my head to the other side to avoid looking at her...
I don't like this situation at all, like I said, I love my wife and I want to be with her and our kids for ever. But on the other hand I truly don't want to feel like a pervert that is always going after her for sex, I'd love to see some initiative on her end and see that she also cares for having sex with me and desires me...at the end that's all I want...I want to feel desired.

Any ideas what should I do? We've talked many times but we never seem to get to good place. And I feel that the longer we stay like this the worst it gets. 

Thanks for any advice and thanks for taking the time to listen...I really needed it.


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

The fighting is from the sexlessness. Sex means more than the physical gratification - it is an emotional bonding that you are missing. I suggest reading to understand what you are feeling - you are not unique in this regard. I am in a similar place, so I don't really have a solution (although we are working on it), but I understand what is going on. When you have to ask for it or initiate (or when she does something that is clearly just so you don't complain), it feels like she is just not into you. 

Sex Starved Marriage is a good book and you can preview the first chapter on Amazon. It helped my wife understand that sex is not just the physical act, but the validation of our relationship.

Also, it is not clear when your last child was born. If under 9 months ago, be understanding that her hormones are in flux.


----------



## p0k3rf4n (Apr 18, 2012)

Hi SprucHub. Thanks for your quick reply.
I'll take a look at the book you recommend and will discuss it with my wife. My biggest problem is when I feel she is having sex with me only for pleasing me and not because she really wants it as you mentioned on your reply...hopefuly we can get to the bottom of this soon.
As for our second child, he was born 6 years ago so Im not sure if her hormones are causing the problems.

Thanks again.
Carlos


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Did she always seem to enjoy sex once you two got going?

A lot of women are not very spontaneously driven when it comes to sex ... they respond to sexual overtures made to them. So, if she is mostly wired that way, it is unlikely she could take over as the main initiator all the time.

The Truth about Female Desire | Psychology Today

What has been the general state of your overall relationship? A lot of times relational issues cross into the bedroom and are a reason for declining libidoes in spouses.

Have you had discussions about this with her? About the general state of your marriage and the need for intimacy and desire in it? If so, what is her response? Does she also feel that it is importnat? If not, why?

Best wishes.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> A few months ago I started a bit of an experiment as I didn't want to feel guilty for going after my wife for sex all the time. I decided I was going to play indifferent, dont ask for sex, dont make any sexual comments, play it cool.


So, that experiment was a huge failure and drove you apart. It's long past time to end the experiment.

Women who don't initiate often aren't constantly "hot for sex". They need to be turned on in order to want it. Waiting for her to turn herself on if she was never an initiator is futile and misunderstands her sexuality.

My advice would be to start over. Start dating your wife again. Bring the fun and light-heartedness back into your relationship. Your desire for her will come back. Initiate sex - don't be waiting for her to do it because that's not how she is, as you've learned through your experiment.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Yeah look at that article as well from Enchantment, very good stuff.

You're both sexually frustrated. Whether you know it or not, it seems very clear to me just from what you wrote. Just make a point to make love to your wife. Let her know in advance that you want her and how much you love her (remind her what things you love about her). Continue to be loving and affectionate for an evening. Try and pick a night where you won't be excessively tired and just enjoy one another.

Don't stress about who initiated or anything, stress/over-thinking is a sex drive killer. Just really enjoy her, and show her how much you love her... everything else should take care of itself. Keep doing that say at least 1-2x a week and things will most likely take care of themselves.

Sex drive can be a use it or loose it type thing. Just have to prime that pump by making a point to make love to her, the drive will follow.


----------



## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

p0k3rf4n said:


> ...if I see her naked I actually turn my head to the other side to avoid looking at her....



Ouch....she has probably noticed....and this has probably created MORE issues....have you ever MADE LOVE to your wife, rather than just "having sex" with her?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

p0k3rf4n said:


> But on the other hand I truly don't want to feel like a pervert that is always going after her for sex, I'd love to see some initiative on her end and see that she also cares for having sex with me and desires me...at the end that's all I want...I want to feel desired.
> 
> Any ideas what should I do? We've talked many times but we never seem to get to good place. And I feel that the longer we stay like this the worst it gets.
> 
> Thanks for any advice and thanks for taking the time to listen...I really needed it.


Go back to the being the pervert!

This is a huge issue for a lot of couples. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting sex with your spouse. That is what marriage and dating relationships are all about. Wanting sex does not make you a pervert. In fact, lots of women actually like the fact that their men want them. It is a good feeling. My wife may shoo me away when I swat her butt or growl in her ear, but 95% of the time it is with a big smile, a great laugh and twinkle in her eye. She loves that I want and desire her. I refuse to apologize for that. You should not either. 

:soapbox:


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Good advice given.

You are frustrated, as was noted. You were sufficiently frustrated to shut down your sex drive out of self-protection. Pain (physical or psychological) is a natural disincentive and people will not just tolerate it indefinitely. And, for you (as with many if not most guys), shutting down the sex is akin to shutting down the relationship.

While the solution is rekindling with your wife, there is a risk with doing so. You need to make sure you don't get caught in a cycle where you pile on the attention, your wife responds briefly (if at all) then goes back to her usual self, and your detachment and frustration remains but is now compounded with ill will because of the mismatch in service. I've BTDT myself.

Had I to do it over, I would have this discussion before acting:

1) I have been sexually frustrated for many years. You generally refuse my attempts at sex; I need to make this clear in case you do not understand how deeply this impacts me.
2) To protect myself from this hurt, I have recently started ignoring my sexual side - suppressing the drive in order to not experience the disappointment and frustration. While that might seem like a reasonable solution,
3) My attraction to you is dissipating along with the sex drive. That is a bad sign for this marriage and it concerns me; I want this to work but we both need to make changes to have a workable marriage.

Then I would:

a) Refrain from blaming (and ask she do the same). It serves no purpose and each of you can always fault the other.
b) Tell her (having understood the above) you need to know whether she will commit to your sexual happiness, and if so to what extent and under what conditions. 
c) Listen carefully.

Naturally, one would need to know up front what is needed sexually, what is acceptable, and are the consequences for refusal. If she asks what you want, you need to have a response so she knows you are serious and thoughtful. You need to get her decision, otherwise you cannot move forward.

Also, you need to accept her honest response at face value. She might honestly tell you she has no interest in a sexual relationship (or in meeting your need); at that point you end the conversation and do what you have to do for yourself. If sex really is a deal-breaker for you, admit that openly (there's nothing wrong feeling that way).

I would not accept equivocation either. Answers like "let me think about it" (more than a very short while) or "start treating me how I want and we'll see" are not good enough. One, they just kick the problem down the road. Two, you are not asking for more sex if she feels like it. You are asking for a commitment that is independent of her whims. That cuts to the core of how she feels about you; IMO she should be able to answer that question in a few moments.

As always, YMMV. However, doing this makes your expectations clear, gives her a chance issue hers, and sets a groundwork for negotiation, follow-up, and accountability. I can't see how you can go wrong with this.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Go back to the being the pervert!
> 
> This is a huge issue for a lot of couples. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting sex with your spouse. That is what marriage and dating relationships are all about. Wanting sex does not make you a pervert. In fact, lots of women actually like the fact that their men want them.


I don't think anyone is disputing this. However, if the evidence here are elsewhere is to be believed, there's a lot of women who either couldn't care less or actively don't like the fact their men want them. And they aren't magically going to join the first group. 



> My wife may shoo me away when I swat her butt or growl in her ear, but 95% of the time it is with a big smile, a great laugh and twinkle in her eye.


And many others shoo their men away with a big scowl, a great grimace and contempt in their eyes.


> She loves that I want and desire her. I refuse to apologize for that. You should not either.
> 
> :soapbox:


But no matter how right you are, and how much you refuse to apologise for what _is_ a good thing, she is NOT going to see it that way. The problem is that being right isn't going to get you anywhere...


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> I don't think anyone is disputing this. However, if the evidence here are elsewhere is to be believed, there's a lot of women who either couldn't care less or actively don't like the fact their men want them. And they aren't magically going to join the first group.
> 
> 
> And many others shoo their men away with a big scowl, a great grimace and contempt in their eyes.
> ...


While I don't disagree, that was not the situation here. Rather, they had a decent sex life (though perhaps not what he hoped for) and he quit pursuing because he felt like a pervert wanting sex. Him reacting this way directly led to them not having sex. She apparently did have sex with him up until his experiment.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes he wanted her to initiate and well she didn't so the sex stopped. He needs to therefore go back to initiating. It really doesn't matter WHO starts it as long as it happens. Some women just aren't geared to initiating and its okay.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mavash and Tall,

He also made note of rejection. Personally, that's the bigger problem for me too. While I would be thrilled with my wife if she intiated sometime, the bigger issue is that I've had no real problem intiating, it's the rejection that has gotten me to where I am now

It makes one feel like they are totally unwanted by their spouse and that when they do have sex with you, they are just doing it out of their sense of "wifely duties"

Even a man wants to be desired sometimes and it's not just the physical act we want or need

Is that right Pok3rf4n?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Mavash and Tall,
> 
> He also made note of rejection. Personally, that's the bigger problem for me too. While I would be thrilled with my wife if she intiated sometime, the bigger issue is that I've had no real problem intiating, it's the rejection that has gotten me to where I am now
> 
> ...


Of course they do. My point was only that being afraid or ashamed of your sex drive is recipe for failure. Here, his attempt to change things clearly failed. So now what should he do? First thing is to be embrace being sexual and wanting sex from his wife.


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

p0k3rf4n said:


> Any ideas what should I do? We've talked many times but we never seem to get to good place. And I feel that the longer we stay like this the worst it gets.


Yup, I'd expect it to get all the way to divorce fairly promptly. This whole story has about 16 dozen red flags on it in my head. You are on a BAD path and you need to get off it asap.

The good news is that your sex drive still exists. I know that because you avoid looking at her naked body. Trust me on this. If you'd really stamped it out, then her nudity or lack thereof would mean nothing to you. Be very happy you haven't gotten there yet.

Honestly, if I was close enough to you two that I could get away with it, I'd love to shake the both of you by the shoulders and just say something like, "I don't care how uncomfortable or awkward or whatever it is. Go into the bedroom and make love. Either that or just tell me right now you want to get divorced."

You can stop this the same way you started it.


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Your experiment has been illuminating but consider stopping it and go back to initiating. I did the exact same thing and it led to 8 celibate months and we were on the brink. That resentment stacks up and has to be unstacked at some point. The sooner you get back to making love the better off you will be. Do it immediately and leave the rest as a fantasy that you can deal with in a later chapter. You will find a way to give her chances to make baby steps toward her initiating and you will encourage her and build on that. Everything you do together is richer, deeper and better when you are loving her. My lessons are bought and paid for at a high price so if someone else can benefit I am good with that.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I'd like to know more about his wife's rejection of him. To the OP, how often does she reject you? What does she say? 

Also, is she self conscious? prefer sex only in bed, lights off? etc etc. When you do have sex, who does most of the work? that is, who keeps it moving? you? her? or is it equal? Does she touch you and make you feel desired? Does she desire you?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I never understood the "you have to initiate" concept. I also never had to explain to my wife how hurtful a "real" rejection is. My view on this is simple: the idea that "I" must initiate, and my partner gets to reject as often as she likes is a combination of sadism and masochism. 

At minimum you initiate, she defers and shortly thereafter (within days), she signals that she is now happy to take me up on that rain check. 

The men who tolerate A high rejection rate are often headed straight towards sexless marriages.


UOTE=Hurra;696504]I'd like to know more about his wife's rejection of him. To the OP, how often does she reject you? What does she say? 

Also, is she self conscious? prefer sex only in bed, lights off? etc etc. When you do have sex, who does most of the work? that is, who keeps it moving? you? her? or is it equal? Does she touch you and make you feel desired? Does she desire you?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> I never understood the "you have to initiate" concept. I also never had to explain to my wife how hurtful a "real" rejection is. My view on this is simple: the idea that "I" must initiate, and my partner gets to reject as often as she likes is a combination of sadism and masochism.
> 
> At minimum you initiate, she defers and shortly thereafter (within days), she signals that she is now happy to take me up on that rain check.


YOUR WIFE IS DIFFERENT!!! How many times do I have to tell you that?!

For a lot of people, this isn't the case. They have no mechanism whatsoever to enforce a rain check. The spouse who refuses can say "You can't make me", and guess what? You can't.



> The men who tolerate A high rejection rate are often headed straight towards sexless marriages.


Very true, but so is the phrase "many diseases are caused by bacteria". It's not of much help in making new antibiotics, is it? 

Whilst knowing that rejection is a road to sexlessness is true, it offers no help in how to reduce the rate of rejection. Especially in a person who sees rejection of their partner's sexual advances as something they can do because the partner has no power over that rejection.


----------



## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

I like what tall average guy was saying.
I wanted to add that maybe one of the things your wife finds sexually arousing is when a man plays a classic 'male' role - maybe she's a little submissive and gets off on you being the pursuer. It doesn't mean she's not interested, it means that for her, part of feeling sexy and getting in the mood is having you chase her a bit.

I don't know your wife, obviously, but it's a thought.
So I say give up on this experiment. Be dominant. 
And it's okay if she's not always 'hot for sex' - and it's okay for her to do it to please you once in a while. That's marriage. No shame.


----------

