# If you're disconnected, how can sex re-connect you?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Iḿ opting not to post in the sex forum to see what replies I get here.... someone said in another thread that sex can go a long way to bridge the gap if youŕe experiencing a dip in closeness. 
My question would be if you've lost closeness, how can you even think of making love? We love making love but because things have been bad for some time, itś become a rarity and if Iḿ honest doesn't feel like lovemaking, more like sex (which some might say is the same thing, I disagree)
Any thoughts?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I guess it would depend on what kind of closeness has been lost. When my SO was working killer hours right before xmas, there wasn't a whole lotta closeness at that time. I didn't see much of him. Sex was a way of keeping that connection there. I see it that we were lacking physical closeness, but not emotional closeness. If that makes sense. 
If we were dealing with issues that were damaging to our relationship, that would be an emotional disconnect. Harder to feel like being intimate once that has taken a hit. But I can tell you that for me, the longer you stay away..the harder it is to return. 
I agree that there is a difference between sex and lovemaking..but until you can get the issues handled in your marriage, you keep that last thread connected by having sex if that's what it is.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

Honestly, when things got rough for us, I didn't feel like making love to my husband either. He had done somethings that made me feel disrespected. He ruined my trust for him...but we both wanted to heal our relationship. We both acknowledged that everything we had built over the past 12 years was worth saving. I bit the bullet and initiated sex anyway, even though I had less than loving or sexual feelings for him, I sucked it up and made an effort to be available because I wanted things to get better. 
Sex is kind of a basic foundation that I felt we needed to get back to. Sex brought back the loving feelings. Rather quickly, actually.
My husband looking into my eyes, on top of me, trying to please me, made me feel like he still cares about what happens to us. It reminded me of why I fell in love with him in the first place.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Iḿ opting not to post in the sex forum to see what replies I get here.... someone said in another thread that sex can go a long way to bridge the gap if youŕe experiencing a dip in closeness.
> My question would be if you've lost closeness, how can you even think of making love? We love making love but because things have been bad for some time, itś become a rarity and if Iḿ honest doesn't feel like lovemaking, more like sex (which some might say is the same thing, I disagree)
> Any thoughts?


Thoughts from my experience. 

When DH and I were first married, we had a hard time of it. There was a lot of right fighting, resentment, what I felt was disparity of responsibility due to his highly permissive upbringing... I did not feel like sex at all. I felt the connection was not there. But I tried to open myself up in a loving manner. (I KNEW I never wanted to be in one of those marriages where sex was used as a bargaining chip.) It helped to maintain some degree of closeness and increased his good will.

Enter baby 1. We had not yet fixed our resentment issues completely but had some progress. I had NO urge to have sex with him physically or emotionally. I tried faking it 'til I could make it. It worked quite well and sponsored a campaign to finally really understand how to solve our resentments for good and all.

Went to a group similar to this back in the days of usenet. Got my a$$ handed to me on a plate. (RandomDude, that is one reason that I sometimes use challenging language. I was unwilling to hear how I could be viewed as wrong, enmeshed as I was in my right fight. If that nasty wretch of a woman had not verbally dope slapped me back to kingdom come, I never would have *heard.*) I needed to stop my naggin'! And my whining! And learn how to set personal boundaries effectively. If I loved my husband, I should love him the way he is and stop trying to change him.

At this time I tried faking it until I could make it. It conjunction with my lessening resentment due to practical issues clearing up, my lack of nagging, and his increased good cheer over the changes, the resumption was sex was VERY successful at resuming a terrific connection. In addition to showing him my love, it engendered a positive willingness to look at things he could improve to show me his love.

One caveat, if you are going to try to improve connection with sex, it should be done in the spirited of openness and love. It will have no good effect if done in an ... Ok I have to do this to make you happy... grumbly sort of way.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

When we were separated, our therapist encouraged us to have sex. The physical attraction was still there, but I just wasn't sure it was the "smart" thing to do.

The therapists idea was that ANY positive experience would help bring us back together.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I am so stuck on this question...

I've always considered it one of our "good ingredients" even while we're made up of other "bad" stuff too.

But...lately, I also feel that if an issue hasn't been resolved in my own mind/heart, and I'm still stinging over something, I can't feel open to making love with my H.

With very little conversation, my H is picking up on this subtle change in me.

The thing is, I'm unsure whether this is having a good or bad effect on us.
I think it's making him "mopey."

I also don't want to use a bargaining chip, but at the same time, if my H does something that distances me emotionally, i don't feel like it.

We need "other things" to get better in our relationship, in order for me to want to make great love to him.

A question is...
Will sex, even when "other stuff" isn't so great, help the other stuff along?
---to use vt's term, "engender" more good stuff?
Or should we wait for the "other stuff" to grow before getting back to "regular"?
Does this make sense? 
Chicken...or egg....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I am so stuck on this question...
> 
> I've always considered it one of our "good ingredients" even while we're made up of other "bad" stuff too.
> 
> ...


If the attraction is still there, then it might help to create a feeling of closeness.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I am so stuck on this question...
> 
> I've always considered it one of our "good ingredients" even while we're made up of other "bad" stuff too.
> 
> ...


Exactly!



nice777guy said:


> If the attraction is still there, then it might help to create a feeling of closeness.


Which is the chicken and egg of sex or lovemaking - my OH & I can still have brilliant sex but to feel inclined, I have to jump so many of my own emotional hurdles about things he's said and done (nb I'm not making myself out perfect here, I have my part to play but in terms of having sex I'm one of those who subscribes to the theory that for women it's more in the mind than for men) - and by the littlest additional grouchy comment or whatever, those hurdles can be easily tipped in favour of not even being affectionate, never mind flirty or touchy feely or heaven forbid physical!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

When you feel like there's an imbalance of power and investment, and you don't fully trust your partner with your emotions, it's hard not to turn sex into a bargaining chip.

If you do it, become more emotionally open and available, and then feel like you've become vulnerable all over again, and more easily hurt again, then sex doesn't form a bridge as you hoped it would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

madimoff said:


> I opting not to post in the sex forum to see what replies I get here.... someone said in another thread that sex can go a long way to bridge the gap if youe experiencing a dip in closeness.
> My question would be if you've lost closeness, how can you even think of making love? We love making love but because things have been bad for some time, it become a rarity and if I honest doesn't feel like lovemaking, more like sex (which some might say is the same thing, I disagree)
> Any thoughts?


He must have been making love to you in a way you didn't get your maximum satisfaction fulfilled.
Figure out what exactly you want in bed and communicate with him.
When you reach your maximum satisfaction, you will find connection with him. Trying out new things is also a good idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> He must have been making love to you in a way you didn't get your maximum satisfaction fulfilled.
> Figure out what exactly you want in bed and communicate with him.
> When you reach your maximum satisfaction, you will find connection with him. Trying out new things is also a good idea.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



While acknowledging that communicating what you want out of sex is an important skill to learn, I should say you've rather missed my point, which chredam understood - it's a lack of connection out of bed which puts the mockers on affection etc leading to any action in bed (or anywhere else)  so when people say sex can build bridges, if sex is really not high on the agenda much of the time, how can you overcome that breakdown in order to cement the relationship - mixed metaphors notwithstanding!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Like vt mentioned, motivations are important---which is true for EVERY behavior in a relationship.
If I initiate sex as a ploy to try to get other behaviors from him in return, I won't feel good about myself in the process.

Sure, some of that "keep him happy" motivation may exist under the surface...BUT it must be balanced out by two things:

1. The motivation of genuine love, affection, caring, and playfulness, in my initiation of sex.
2. Enough other nonsexual "good stuff" in the relationship that inspires #1 in me.

Then I know we're on track, it "feels right.

For me and my H, sex hasn't been one of our sticking points.
But we may be hitting a point where our other issues are beginning to seep into the bedroom.

Yay for identifying cycles. The tough part is breaking or changing them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

And madimoff, my reply probably doesn't answer your question---I'm just asking it right along with you!
And I have not figured out if I'm going about things the right way, because my H and I are working through some tough non-sex related issues.
We had a tough couple of weeks, and after he tried to initiate sex and I denied, he said "oh, so you're not available for this right now" half-joking.
But truth is I wasn't, because I was hurt and therefore turned off.
My H knows one basic thing:
I cannot have sex unless I feel emotionally connected to him.
That he knows this is a positive step.
Achieving and maintaining that emotional connection? We're working on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You say, "I cannot have sex unless I feel emotionally connected to him." 

What if he said, "I cannot be emotionally connected with you when you won't have sex with me."

Maybe having sex with him will create the emotional connection you are looking for. 

This one basic thing can very well be what is hurting your relationship. You have an out. You can say no to sex because you don't feel emotionally connected. 

It should work both ways. His need for sex should be just a great as your need for an emotional connection.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Good point---hence the cycle---but there are other things that are hurting our relationship, which we're working on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtg2 (Jan 6, 2011)

This is such a frustrating cycle. 
I tried having sex, initiating, being available ... Hoping to build better emotional intimacy. What I found was that as long as we were having sex, he thought everything was good because sex is 'connecting' . No motivation or understanding of developing an emotional connection. How do you cross over the line? I'm at a loss and like someone said above, it seems to lead to more hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

YES, this is a great point and part of why we have this question.

I guess my basic idea is that I put the "non-sex" problems first to deal with, and good sex is one of the positive outcomes of solving the "other" issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Re: If you're disconnected, how can sex re-connect you?

When I was disconnected from my husband, I found sex was also disconnected and I was frustrated. 

Firstly, you need to fall back in love with your man. The problem is, falling back in love, pfffffffff, a mission impossible.

However, when you want to do it, nothing is impossible. When your husband sees you fall back in love with him, he would follow up very quickly.

It took me couple of months to fall back in love with my husband. Not too long...

The thing is, you can't fall back in love without having great sex.

To connect with him, you don't just need sex, but really good sex, The greater the better.

Great sex helps a great deal.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

credam - virtually every word you say I could have written (though my OH isn't heavily into joking about sex, it's been such a barren time of late !) in fact, thinking about it, I might just show him this thread to kind of prove I'm not the only one who feels so 'turned off sex & sexuality' by disconnections out of bed

And SadSam - The ultimate irony (or whatever part of speech, I forget) of men seeing the other side of the coin as 'I cannot be emotionally connected with you when you won't have sex with me' - well of course my OH relates to that. He's got a deeply emotional core but it's all mashed up with the macho man butting heads with a strong woman (me) resulting in the conflict which hurts our relationship so much, affecting our sex life into the bargain.
But you say having sex may rekindle the connection and I've always struggled with having sex 'for the sake of it' (no doubt some wag will come back with it would be 'for the sake of the relationship' or 'for his sake' but there's two people's feelings and emotions involved before you leap into bed.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Madimoff, are you and your H in counseling?
My H also has a tough guy exterior covering up some inner vulnerabilities that he would NOT learn about without counseling and therapy.
When he opens up as he did yesterday, he shows me more of his heart, and I become more attracted to him in every way.
And it's a relief for him.
I guess what i'm saying is that if you have hurdles inside---as I do---over things that have happened between the two of you (I can relate to that), counseling might help heal those things in a way that you don't have to just bury your feelings, and both you and your H can understand yourselves and each other better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Madimoff, are you and your H in counseling?
> My H also has a tough guy exterior covering up some inner vulnerabilities that he would NOT learn about without counseling and therapy.
> When he opens up as he did yesterday, he shows me more of his heart, and I become more attracted to him in every way.
> And it's a relief for him.
> ...


The very word counselling is a bit of a bogeyman between us - we got near the end a couple of years back and he said I needed to see someone. I was pretty sure I wasn't the one with the biggest issues to deal with but rather than give in, I went to counselling for months and came away knowing some things I could do but essentially also knowing the main issue wasn't me. Now I know this sounds crass or something in a forum, you'll just have to believe that was the way the therapist saw it. And he ultimately met both of us a number of times. OH saw a counsellor himself and that's a whole other story, she without knowing me seems to have poisoned him against me in certain aspects of our life, having a profound effect on our day to day stuff (hard to explain but essentially she said he should buy his own individual house in our home country & I shouldn't be allowed in it!!!!!!!!)
Soooo - no, I doubt we'd go to counselling together though I tend to agree it could be a good idea!

Oh, and I forgot to say, yes he's got issues and I know most if not all of them, but he's good at putting up the wall as and when he chooses which is not remotely predictable. He rarely becomes totally open & vulnerable, I think he feels too likely to be hurt (again).


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

That does sound like a bogeyman topic.
But it also sounds like you and your H haven't had a chance to commit, together, to ongoing couples counseling for a period of weeks or months regularly.
I only refer back to it again because your H's "wall" sounds similar to what my H does---and MC has been the only way to break through those barriers.
Have you talked with your H about the things that distance you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

From personal experience, yes it can. After our marriage crashed, burned, changed and stabilized two major issues still challenged us. Her disconnect emotionally from me and a marriage that had been sexless for well over a year. Up to that point all the date nights, quality time, conversations, listening.... had not helped her with emotionally connecting again. They helped many other areas of the marriage but not her connection. Once I was convinced we were simply treading water I had a sit down with her and told her it was time to restart. Lack of sex was part of "my" problem in the marriage and I felt re-initiating would help her with her emotional problem. She was reluctant but said she could "go through the motions". From the start she enjoyed the contract, closeness and physical gratifications that came with the sex. After a few weeks the emotional connections began to come back. Those were the last two hurdles we had to overcome and we have continued to grow as a couple. While the OP's query is general and broad, in our case it did help. I think it can in other situations also.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

To those who've answered yes it can be done (the re-connecting via sex despite any emotional distance or disconnection), can I ask a supplementary or two -
Are you in the 'norm' of a couple sharing a home most of the time
How long did it take
Cos we aren't and I don't think that helps! Not least because any friction becomes magnified on expensive international phone calls and (not)shared parenting adds that nightmare friction etc etc


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Of course friction becomes magnified given your situation not living together!

In your case then I think sex would be even more important in reconnecting you. If you don't see each other daily and share space and duties, then the time you do have has a bit more pressure. And if you want more of a connection, in a way you need to make the most out of your rationed time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

madimoff said:


> can I ask a supplementary or two -
> Are you in the 'norm' of a couple sharing a home most of the time
> How long did it take


Yes we were in the norm, living together. We never separated during our troubled times. As for time, I felt I saw changes in her within a few weeks. The emotional reconnection was something that was gradual in nature, there were no watershed moments, just a sustained effort in bringing down her emotional wall. Important to note that in our case we had repaired just about everything else in the marriage. The emotional connection and sexual intimacy were the last things on the list. Good luck.


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