# Facebook password



## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

So to make a long story short.. A couple of years ago my wife of 20+ years started an EA with a high school boyfriend via facebook chat. We have had a rough few years going through it all. I did some wrong things and so did she... however about a month ago she changed her FB password. Up until then I made sure I knew her password and she knew mine. I have not asked her for the new one but assumed she would eventually tell me since this started the downward spiral.
I want to show trust here but it just seems strange for her to not offer the information, I have even brought it up in conversation. I just changed mine last night and hope that might bring it to the surface again.
Not sure what to do or should I do anything?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Huge red flag. Its an indicator that she's taking it underground and that she has reconnected with the OM or there is a new OM. Don't confront her about it yet, she will just deny and blameshift, trying to make it an issue of invading her privacy. Do not accept this. Install a keylogger like spectorpro or web watcher, and get her password that way.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yep. :iagree: You brought it up to her gently and she KNOWS very well why you did. Her EA is way too recent to just let this slide. Don't be like me, out of ignorance I NEVER once double-checked--huge mistake.

Don't mention it any more, you don't want her to go to even greater efforts to hide whatever it is that she's hiding.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

keylogger. Don't tell her anything. She might have deleted her past conversations already.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

discouraged1 said:


> should I do anything?


Of course you should. If you don't it will eat you alive. As everyone else said, I would not mention it or ask for her reassurance. Her reassurance is worthless now... 

She earned this wary eye from you. 

_Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me._


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Yes huge gigantic red warning lights - no doubt. Two ways to go - as warlock suggest, look for evidence before confronting. Or, when you confront her demand that she give you her password right then. If you do not already know what you'll find when you log in, then she can have no opportunity to sanitize her page after she gives you that password. If she won't give it to you right there - you have your answer regardless of how much gas lighting and blame shifting she throws at you.

Here's the bottom line. It's possible she has an innocent reason for changing her password and she simply forgot to tell you - unlikely but possible. If that's the case when you ask her for it she should have no trouble simply giving it to you. I would ask her nicely and without accusation. However, if she even blinks before giving it to you I'd say simply, "give it to me right now or go pack." No drama, no emotion - action/reaction only - that will help deflect the gas lighting/blame shifting if there really is a problem. 

As someone who had an EA via facebook myself I can tell you I'm hypersensitive to anything related to facebook and how my wife will perceive it.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Similar situation as you discouraged. I think the way you’re handling this situation is quite passive. You are hoping that she will tell you the new password, you mentioned it once in conversation, and you dropped another passive hint by changing your own password. It’s been a month??

Option 1 is just to talk to her right away, tell her you noticed she changed the p/w, ask her why she changed it, considering your past circumstances, and see what she says. Does she have a valid reason (I can’t think of one unless her account was hacked….) or does she blow smoke at you. Ask her if she will log into FB for you to show you that she hasn’t been messaging him again and that you’re concerned. She may balk, or delete emails before you get a chance to see them. But at least it will force the issue to center stage. Also, this would be a solid break from the passive approach. The risk is that it may make her even more secretive. 

Option 2: play detective - put a keylogger on the computer, get the FB password, and check to see what messages have been since the p/w has been changed. Then I would ask her why she changed the password. Even if no incriminating emails were found.

Option 3: continue to passively wait and hope she tells you 

You have to decide what’s most important to you here. Finding out the truth, or being able to directly initiate a conversation like this with your wife rather than avoiding it because you’re concerned she’ll get mad, or that you won’t be “trusting her”. You don’t trust her and there’s a reason why. And stuff like this doesn’t help rebuild trust. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

What is your plan of action if she refuses to give up the password or login for you, or if you find out she’s emailing him again??


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Have you ever seen a toddler do something he knows he's not allowed to do, then look around to see if anyone's going to fuss at him for it? 

Your wife sees giving you her passwords as a boundary that needs testing. She wants to see how serious you are about keeping tabs. Maybe because she wants to know if she can go back to her old ways now without getting in trouble. Maybe because she thinks you won't notice or do anything about it even if you do. Maybe because she's in an affair fog and is already back in touch with her AP. None of the possible reasons she might have for ignoring your wishes in this matter is a positive sign for your ongoing recovery. 

You don't need to show trust here, because your obviously untrustworthy spouse hasn't done anything to merit that trust. I'm a huge fan of spyware. I would slap on a keylogger and find out what she's up to. After that, even if you find nothing you still need to insist on having her passwords and make it very clear how important this is. If you find something, well, then you've got other decisions to make.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I say: Get the keylogger and get the evidence. It's so much better when you have the proof. 

You can not ignore it. No reason for her to change the password, however until you have proof....wait to confront! 

Good luck!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You have to go detective/keylogger route now, bc you went passive and dropped the 'hints', which she in turn passively refused. 

You've given her the opportunity to clean up anything incriminating, so demanding it at this point is fairly useless.

Bigger question is what level of trust is there now... and what you are doing about that. Together. Once you've monitored awhile and assuming there's nothing, you've still got to establish why she changed it and why she didn't let you know.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

discouraged1 said:


> I just changed mine last night and hope that might bring it to the surface again.


Good that I'm on a couch now, cause this urges me to bang head on the table.

Seriously, put a keylogger on. Why don't you have one installed already? There is no excuse for this kind of negligence in your position.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

I really don't think she has to give you any passwords -- they're supposed to be private. Of course, you've got to share some passwords.... to your bank account, etc..... but people who set up personal FB accounts usually want to keep them that way. I've never told my husband my password and he's never told me his.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

DietColaGirl said:


> I really don't think she has to give you any passwords -- they're supposed to be private. Of course, you've got to share some passwords.... to your bank account, etc..... but people who set up personal FB accounts usually want to keep them that way. *I've never told my husband my password and he's never told me his*.


but don't you have a thread about your H's affairs?


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

keko said:


> but don't you have a thread about your H's affairs?



yeah, how is that no password thing working for you, DietColaGirl?...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

With all due respect, I also totally disagree DietColaGirl. I have always known all my husband's passwords, and that was true long before and right on through my WS's long term EA. I just never thought of checking his cell phone, or I would've caught it a LOOOONG time ago. (yea, I trusted him that much after I caught him the first time--foolish foolish me!)

That whole 'spouses don't share passwords with each other' thing is for people who never thought about it because they've NEVER ONCE encountered trust issues in their marriage. 

My WS took my trust, drove over it with a Mac truck and bombed it into oblivion for good measure. He isn't entitled to my full trust just yet, that is something that is DESERVED and EARNED. I trust him less now than at any time in the 20 years I've known him. He** yea I should at least know his measly passwords!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Drop a keylogger onto the computer and don't say a word until you see what is going on for real.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

DietColaGirl said:


> I really don't think she has to give you any passwords -- they're supposed to be private. Of course, you've got to share some passwords.... to your bank account, etc..... but people who set up personal FB accounts usually want to keep them that way. I've never told my husband my password and he's never told me his.


Would down-vote this if I could. She gave up her right to privacy when she had an EA and started reconciliation. She has a choice: *have* privacy but get a divorce or have no privacy but have a marriage.

I know M's passwords, he knows mine. We don't log into each other's accounts, but I *could* if I wanted to. I have nothing to hide so I honestly don't give a crud if he goes through my email or either of my facebooks (I have 2- I keep one private from friends so I can do the occasional personality test for entertainment without spamming people). He could go through my WoW or Aion accounts (or could, if either were active). He could go through my phone records, see all 15 texts I have ever sent, look at what I've spent money on on Amazon.com or through my bank account, see what websites I've visited, look through my posts here, go through both of my comps and my external HD, etc. I just honestly don't care. He could install a VAR in my car and track where I go. Hell, I could carry a VAR around with me everywhere I go and it wouldn't change a thing that I say to anyone. He wouldn't find anything remotely suspicious because I have absolutely nothing to hide from him.

Privacy is something you earn in a relationship when your partner trusts you. M has privacy in our relationship because we have transparency and even though I *could* go through his stuff, I don't because I trust him. He doesn't go through mine because likewise, I have earned his trust and should he ever doubt it he has unlimited access to anything he needs to feel safe.

That's one difference between a healthy relationship and one that fosters secrets (which in turn can foster infidelity).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I don't think this has a whole lot to do with whether there has been infidelity in a marriage or not. But for sure if there has.

I believe in transparency in a healthy marriage. If you need privacy on FB there are things you do not want your spouse to know about. If you are only open about finances then your marriage is primarily a financial partnership. That is how far your partnership goes.
If you are transparent in the other areas then you are a partner with a greater scope otherwise not so much. It is about choice but I am all in in my marriage. Transparency saved my marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

To all of you legal minds out there: (1) Is it illegal in any way to access a spouse's FB account if you were to have a working knowledge of what their password might possibly be, and (2) would any defamatory information found therein regarding them, from such a search, be deemed admissable or inadmissable in court?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> To all of you legal minds out there: (1) Is it illegal in any way to access a spouse's FB account if you were to have a working knowledge of what their password might possibly be, and (2) would any defamatory information found therein regarding them, from such a search, be deemed admissable or inadmissable in court?


Who the hell cares? Same for your kids accounts. When I have to have legal counsel inside my own home to run and protect my family I'm leaving the good ole US of A. Yes I know the story about the wife who sued her husband and the kid who sued the parents. In my house, on my computer, using my electricity and Internet - it's legal and if someone tells me it's not I'll go live in a tent and the government can have responsibility for my world. 

Rant off.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

DietColaGirl said:


> I really don't think she has to give you any passwords -- they're supposed to be private. Of course, you've got to share some passwords.... to your bank account, etc..... but people who set up personal FB accounts usually want to keep them that way. I've never told my husband my password and he's never told me his.


I guess it depends on your relationship but I disagree here, having my own FB related issues going on. I think husband and wife should share passwords. I wish Facebook would offer husband/wife joint accounts and maybe that might quell some of these Facebook induced EA's that this forum is rife with.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Who the hell cares? Same for your kids accounts. When I have to have legal counsel inside my own home to run and protect my family I'm leaving the good ole US of A. Yes I know the story about the wife who sued her husband and the kid who sued the parents. In my house, on my computer, using my electricity and Internet - it's legal and if someone tells me it's not I'll go live in a tent and the government can have responsibility for my world.
> 
> Rant off.


I view my marriage as something above that of some government somewhere. Render to Caesar what is Caesar's. I am not being religious here either. But my marriage comes above some ordnance or even the supreme court.

If the law has to get involved there are very big issues. I have no concern for it if there is a conflict of interest. I am not going to mistreat or abuse my wife. If I do then yes the government should intervene. Otherwise I don't care.

To me my marriage is a partnership where I am all in. It is not just a financial arrangement. Otherwise I am not really ineterested.

For me not having transparency is a deal breaker.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey DietCola---what is it that you DO NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT MGE.

When you took vows---you agreed to become a COUPLE---not 2 single people living together, with a piece of paper----a married couple is open to each other about EVERYTHING---there are no secrets, and there is no PRIVACY

You want privacy stay single

I don't think you or your H., have any idea of what mge. is about, or what it means!!!!!

Don't even bother to answer---cuz what ever you could even think of to defend your position is pure BS, and you know it!!!!!!


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Thanks everyone! Keylogging... hoping for the best but expecting the worse.


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