# Wife says her EA ruined our marriage, what now?



## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

Have been with my wife for 7 years, married for 1.5. Found evidence in mid-October that for 3 months she had been emailing, texting and on one occasion calling an ex-boyfriend who lives 7 hours away. There was no physical contact and no romantic overtones to their conversations, but she did share feelings with him that I considered inappropriate behavior for a married woman. (It was emotional cheating in the sense that she was confiding things in him that she wasn't telling me.)

When I confronted my wife 3 months ago she immediately agreed to end all contact with OM but told me she was just "in a dark place and wanted a friend", and then told me that she was disappointed that my trust in her could be shaken by something as simple as harmless emails. We've been working on our marriage since then, going to counseling and though we've had some setbacks along the way, we have also had some great weeks together.

Things changed last night when we were watching a TV show that featured a scenario where one character admitted to emailing an ex girlfriend behind his wife's back. This triggered my thoughts of my wife and her ex, and I became upset; and this time, my wife admitted that she now believes that she emotionally cheated on me and kept saying how sorry she is. (This marked the first time that she admitted that she made a mistake and said she was sorry about it.) 

My wife now says that she thinks our marriage can never be the same and I will never be able to fully trust her again. She says that she's so sorry she ever got in touch with her ex and feels that she has ruined our marriage in doing so. Part of me is relieved that I wasn't just "upset about nothing" this whole time, and part of me also wants to punish her, make her feel consequences, or just make her feel bad for all of the pain that the EA has caused me over the past few months. 

But I do love my wife and want to make things work with her. I told her that we can still have a great marriage even if it's not "the same" as it was pre-EA. But I do have concerns about my ability to "get past" the EA and her willingness to try and fix things. I'm worried that she is just going to give up on our marriage because she feels that she has damaged it beyond repair. Hopefully she will come around once the pain of admitting her EA subsides. We have another counseling session already scheduled for Thursday and I'm just trying to make it through until then at this point. 

I'm hopeful that now that all the details are finally "on the table" (after saying last night that she now knows she had an EA, she let me read all of the emails she had exchanged with her ex; a few were painful to read but overall they were less bad than I'd been imagining in my head) I can start to genuinely forgive her and we can end up with a marriage that's stronger than ever. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it was just a few emails and our marriage should be strong enough to survive something like that, even if it's the biggest challenge we've had to face so far. I'm just not sure how I should be acting now in order to get to that point. Do I be really supportive and go to her with words of reassurance that I love her and want to make this work? Do I keep my distance and let her go through the hurt of knowing that she made mistakes and caused me pain? Some combination of both?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

What pain? It's just an EA. She doesn't really know what kind of person her OM is. 
She never sleeps with him. 
My husband had a very positive attitude towards my EA issue. That's why I was able to end my imagination I created by myself: "Oh how wonderful the OM is... He seemed hot and nice..." (All the unreal obessions) my husband's positive attitude really helped and encouraged me to terminate my EA, working on falling back in love with my husband... Now my husband and me are madly in love again... We just had the most beautiful sex we never had. Just like when we just met. You might want to get some ideas at my thread.
Anyway, I could tell you the real damage is in your marriage. You will need to communicate with your wife. You need to respect, take care, and understand her true needs in marriage & sexual desires in bed. Find out the damages and repair them.
EA is just a symptom, a sign, a warning of the illness in the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Encourage her. You had a breakthrough, that's a good thing. You had contrition and honesty. Tell her that was the start of the healing and not to be discouraged. She is finally seeing things the way they are. She is also feeling loss for your marriage. That is also a good thing. She is not rewriting history (big problem with WS). Now you both can start to move forward. Tell her in the future you look forward to her being more protective of what you guys have. :smthumbup:


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

I'll try, but I know it's going to be a struggle. Sometimes I feel sympathy for her and relief that she has finally owned up, been honest with me and expressed remorse. Other times I just feel gutted that she went behind my back and had an EA and that we'll have to live with this stain on our marriage the rest of our lives. I still don't know if she's even going to try to get through this or just going to give up because she thinks we're past a point of no return.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

What was said that was so bad? Was it the frequency or because he was a ex? What was confided?

If she said she was emotionally hooked then she was.....I'm trying to find out what made it so bad. You can have a connection to anyone a random online poster, a coworker, a neighbor, its when it becomes flirty, sexy, etc that always gets me. I do understand the progression though.

My wife and I both have exes on FB and besides the once a month "What's up goofball!!" or "Nice pic we're all grown up now" it's nothing.

Everyone is different though and I can see how it can cause problems in relationships, so I'm not encouraging people to rush out and be friends with exes. A coworker's wife of 20yrs left him last month for her "baby daddy" of 22 years ago......:scratchhead::scratchhead:

Musician, artsy, still doing his thing at 51yrs old.....as opposed to her M-F stable working hubby who provides every penny she spends.

Best of luck keep us posted....


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> What was sad that was so bad? Was it the frequency or because he was a ex?
> 
> If she said she was emotionally hooked then she was.....I'm trying to find out what made it so bad.


The specific things that tweaked me were:


Saying she'd like to meet him for lunch or drinks the next time she was in town (When I asked her about this, she said that she was just leading him on because she knew she'd never actually travel to his city (7 hours away) without me)
Confiding things in him about her feelings for me (she told him that she and I have very little in common, that I didn't support her with her job, saying that I felt more like a brother/dad to her than a husband
Telling him things that she didn't tell me (she bought a pack of cigarettes for the first time in years) 
The fact that the contact, a few emails a week, went on for 3 months behind my back (W says she told her best friend that she was emailing an ex and the best friend advised her to 'be careful'), escalated to text messages and a phone call, and seemed to be following the classic pattern of how harmless emails between friends/exes turn into PAs.

Now, I get the fact that our relationship was not perfect at the time and that my failures as a husband helped create the environment in which the EA occurred. OM is a guy that she only dated for a few weeks, and had sex with once, 8 years ago, before she and I ever met. And she told me last night that she hardly even knows him.. and that her emails with him were almost like getting to know a new friend for the first time. I read every word of every email and there was nothing to indicate any romantic interest on her part, even out of context. 

When I add it all up it doesn't really seem that bad in the grand scheme of things. I guess it feels bad to me more because she was talking to an ex behind my back more than anything that she actually said to him. But it still has had me really messed up for 3 solid months now, and the fact that her EA with her ex is the reason for my being upset is what is getting her so down right now. Maybe it was wrong of me to lose trust in her over this, but it happened, and we have to deal with that now. She says she's so sorry that she ever got in touch with him, but she doesn't think that I will ever be able to trust her again.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's a misconcept that most ppl believe in the marriage must be pure without a stain. Fairy tales are not practical. The fact is the princess and her prince won't live in happiness without any unhappiness ever since.
To live and be in love all your life with just 1 person faithfully is a hardship. EA can happen anytime to you or to your spouse. 
When it happens to you, you should inform your spouse honestly, seeking for her help & support. 
When it happens to her, she should tell you honestly and you want to help & support her.
Knowing such thing can just happen, for marriage certificate might be easy to get but it's very hard to keep. Many ppl lost that certificate after married many years.
Both you & your wife must keep the communication open and positive.
She's your wife. There's nothing shameful she should hide from you. Don't make her feel shameful because she isn't 3 years old. She knows it inappropriate. If you show her that she can tell you just everything and you are always there to help her going through her very difficult emotional roller coaster moment. She would be grateful because you give her lots of hope by offering your loving support. When you resent her, she can feel it, too! You will make her feel shameful and hopeless to stay in the marriage with you. As for my EA, I told my husband about the OM and my emotional issue. He didn't criticise, he didn't judge, he didn't get upset. He said it's not good or something to feel happy about but it's normal! It can happen. He said my EA is not real because it's all my imaginations. He appreciated me being honest. 
I asked him, "do you feel hurt?" He said of course he wouldn't like I have EA everyday but it's not cheating in his belief and he loved me & trusted me just the same.
Therefore, you see my meaning? My husband didn't make me feel shamed at all but I felt so sorry inside me and I decided, no matter how hard I wanted to get rid of the OM. I wanted to find my passion back and fall back in love with my husband. I have a great husband who truely loves me how could I be so blind? The OM was just a piece of crap in the end. 
It took me few months to struggle and work, but I finally got rid of the OM and fell back in love with my husband.
Our marriage is a lot stronger & sweater now. After continue opening communication with my husband, we work together to repair damages. The fire of love ignited and our sexual life comes alive. It couldn't be better... You will get much more after cleaning up some small stains in your marriage. Give your wife a positive hope. Open up communication with her. Listen and respect her needs. Give her validations and lots of love, so she wouldn't need them from other men.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

What does that mean? I also wished to visit the OM, having some coffee, chat and then hot sex. But it was just a thought, an imagination. There's a need my husband failed to meet, so I kept looking for validations and putting my hopes on the OM.
I fantasized the OM and I also chatted with him online. I flirted with him, and i told him many things that I wouldn't tell my husband, but what does it mean?
In the end, nothing ever happened.
EA in the end is EA. It's not a PA.
I can't control my emotion but I did control my behaviors. I didn't give him any fk. He was only wasting his time to accompany me, listening my taking shxx.
Same to your wife. She did control herself not to get naked with the OM. You should feel safe because she's able to control her panties not falling down.
So now you hate what she did. You feel your heart broken already but hey! She's not yet slept wit him! Her panties are still for you to fall down. Pls allow her to tell you what she needs. Give her whatever she needs emotionally.
If she wants more sex, give her. If she wants more talk, talk to her. What would you lose? It doesn't cost any money but already makes her happy.


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

Thank you MsLonely, I will keep your advice in mind. I know that I have the "emotional upper hand" in some sense and I can choose to respond to my wife either with resentment/pettiness/immaturity/jealousy, or as a supporting, loving husband. I hope I am wise enough to be consistent in giving her loving support as we work through this. I think part of the initial problem was that she wasn't completely comfortable talking to me and sharing things with me, and maybe this process will help with that if I can be the man that she needs now.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I know you're in an emotional roller coaster as well but I would encourage you to open your arms same. When she tells you something, don't take it as her complaints. If you don't take her meaning negatively, she will open her communication with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here. There is the possibility that she wants/wanted to end your M so that she could go pursue the OM full time, and thus, the "I hurt you too much, let's make this easier and divorce now" mentality you sense.
I want to believe that she realized her mistake and truly wants to fix it, but I would be following the old advice of "Trust, but Verify".
I hate to say it, but I am afraid that by next week, we're going to be reading: "Well, found out that the OM was in town two days ago, my wife, of course, neglected to tell me, and she came to me this morning sobbing, saying that she tried, but she did something terrible...""


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It does sound like progress, but I'm cautious similar to F-102 as well.

Interesting that she kept those emails that "aren't so bad". Perhaps there were others.


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