# I found out my son is cheating, and I'm just not dealing with it very well



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well as the title says, I found out last night that son#3 is cheating, and I'm just not dealing with it very well. 

It's an online affair, and so far he's pretty much cake-eating and his wife is pretty much doing everything wrong: begging, crying, trying to have "relationship talks" etc. He's COMPLETELY fogged in and treating her like dirt, and everything he says entitled and self-centered.  

No, I'm not going to be one of those parents that just condones their child being unfaithful, but watching this happen is making me literally ill. I can't sleep or eat. It's like seeing a beheading in slow motion!

UGH. I don't even know what to say or ask. Maybe just send a prayer or positive thought.  I raised him better than this! I feel like such a failure as a parent!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am so sorry, affaircare. 

Do you think your dil would be open to hearing your advice?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

AF give yourself some time to absorb this You will know how to help when your head clears

As far as you failing as a parent.....Simply not possible

Do they have children?

55


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell him to come here?

I have asked a prayer and sent a positive thought your way.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So sorry .


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jld said:


> I am so sorry, affaircare.
> 
> Do you think your dil would be open to hearing your advice?


Oh yeah! She and I have spoken and she's a real trooper! 

I think it might be wise to ask her to come here and tell her own story and learn for herself. He's trying to convince her "they're just friends" and it's not cheating if they've never met... you know standard cheater script.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

just got it 55 said:


> AF give yourself some time to absorb this You will know how to help when your head clears
> 
> As far as you failing as a parent.....Simply not possible
> 
> ...


No, no children, which is both a sorrow and a relief right now. No children will be harmed if this falls apart. 

But by the same token, as a lady who had 7 kids of her own, I'd love to have grandkids and when he's in his right mind he'd be a great dad. 

The part that REALLY is awful is that right now my exH has his ear, and my exH is the guy who cheated on me 15 times in our marriage--several EAs and several PAs. Of course the exH is filling his head with "do what makes you happy" and "you deserve someone better" :bsflag:


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Have you recommended "Not Just Friends" to your S or DIL?

Sorry this is happening, your DIL has some awesome support in you. Hopefully that will help clear the fog your S is experiencing.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Tell him to come here?
> 
> I have asked a prayer and sent a positive thought your way.












Thanks MattMatt. I'm going to ask DIL to come here--I think she'd really learn something! I'll ask him too, but right now he's so deep in the fog and justification that I'm not optimistic.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She'll do well in your guidance AC...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Oh yeah! She and I have spoken and she's a real trooper!
> 
> I think it might be wise to ask her to come here and tell her own story and learn for herself. He's trying to convince her "they're just friends" and it's not cheating if they've never met... you know standard cheater script.


This might be a good idea. That way you are not actually interfering with their relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Thanks MattMatt. I'm going to ask DIL to come here--I think she'd really learn something! I'll ask him too, but right now he's so deep in the fog and justification that I'm not optimistic.


To be honest, I'm not sure that it's a good thing to suggest that he come here if she is. I think she is the one who is most likely to save their marriage by doing the right things. If he is here too, she will not have a place to get help. He'll see everything she does is just a ploy that those nuts on TAM told her to do.

Just a thought.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Poor woman! I can't believe that there is any real future in these online A's, but they are wreaking havoc in people's marriages. I wonder what the statistics are (or if there are any as yet).

Perhaps if she did some reading (NJF, etc.) she might understand how to approach him better. If she comes here, posting in the private forum might be good (?).

So sorry to hear this.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Wow Im going thru the same thing. Its awful feeling the way I do about my own son. My son is living with the OW, and my DIL and GS are living with us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## letsbenice (Apr 29, 2015)

Best wishes that he'll work himself out. Feel bad for his wife, seems begging isn't attractive.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

AC, it's difficult I guess when it's your own kid in the affair fog. You have so much experience in this type of thing I am sure you will be able to do some good for both your son and DIL. The 180 may be in order for your DIL as your son will probably come out of the fog pretty soon? 
Sorry you are in this place right now.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Well as the title says, I found out last night that son#3 is cheating, and I'm just not dealing with it very well.
> 
> It's an online affair, and so far he's pretty much cake-eating and his wife is pretty much doing everything wrong: begging, crying, trying to have "relationship talks" etc. He's COMPLETELY fogged in and treating her like dirt, and everything he says entitled and self-centered.
> 
> ...


You and his father likely have more influence over him than anyone else right now. He needs to know that you're disappointed and hopefully you can get his dad to tell him the same. Sometimes wanting your parents to be proud even can break through the fog. That's my opinion anyway.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If there is any blame due you as a failed parent the we are all equally as guilty. Society has failed our young people and the influence of one mother and one father against an onslaught of peers, cohorts and marketing executives is minimized at best. We teach morals and good judgement and responsibility while at every turn they are exposed to the exact opposite, at school, in the movies and on television, on the internet and almost everywhere they look. How can we as parents compete? All we can do is our best, the rest is up to them. It is quite a huge wave to resist.

I find your exH's remarks curious, "just be happy"? How one can be happy when they are causing such unhappiness in another totally escapes me but I am somewhat unique in my thinking. Good fortune to you and your DIL.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Oh Affaircare, I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am that you and your family are going through this. I imagine you just want to grab your DS and smack him upside the head for this.

I agree with the others that if your DIL is willing to come here, she will get a lot of good advice, learn that what she's currently doing won't stop the A or fix the relationship. Keep your son off for now, or at least until he's had his eyes open.

And don't worry about the grandkids, life has a strange way of working things out in ways you never expect.

((hugs))


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well I gave DIL the link here and told her she could read along if she wanted, but that if she wanted to post just tell everyone she's Affaircare's DIL and she'd be treated nicely. 

*sigh*


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Oh yeah! She and I have spoken and she's a real trooper!
> 
> I think it might be wise to ask her to come here and tell her own story and learn for herself. He's trying to convince her "they're just friends" and it's not cheating if they've never met... you know standard cheater script.


VERY good idea. If he is not responsive, you can help her.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Well I gave DIL the link here and told her she could read along if she wanted, but that if she wanted to post just tell everyone she's Affaircare's DIL and she'd be treated nicely.
> 
> *sigh*


You might tell her we can be a little quick to judge and harsh at times.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Well I gave DIL the link here and told her she could read along if she wanted, but that if she wanted to post just tell everyone she's Affaircare's DIL and she'd be treated nicely.
> 
> *sigh*


of course


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Well as the title says, I found out last night that son#3 is cheating, and I'm just not dealing with it very well.
> 
> It's an online affair, and so far he's pretty much cake-eating and his wife is pretty much doing everything wrong: begging, crying, trying to have "relationship talks" etc. He's COMPLETELY fogged in and treating her like dirt, and everything he says entitled and self-centered.
> 
> ...


YOU are not to blame yourself for his choices. Wow just reading this brings me back to my DDays...I too cried, begged, offered to fix myself...all the while H sat there smugly doing his online thing. I remember hearing the "I don't know what I want"...as I am pleading with him to work on our marriage. He was going to leave me after 20+ years for some woman he had known for 6 weeks.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have dad bust his cheating chops! Really sorry AC. Sending a prayer. I hope actions accompany my prayers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

AC, unfortunately the caliber of advice that I have to offer you pales in comparison to the advice you have given me. That said, might I suggest some Wall to Wall counseling? 

Being male, sometimes we're a little slow to understand. Slow to see the light. Slow to see the situation for what it is. From time to time, we need outside assistance to bring us back up to speed. That's not an excuse or justification for his actions. It's a justification for the counseling.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

AC, your son knows what the right thing is. Your voice is rattling around in his head, he is just choosing not to listen right now. "I thought I raised you better than that." It's a refrain I heard many times when I was abusing drugs and alcohol. Thing is I was raised better than that but I chose to follow a different and ultimately destructive path. But even while I was caught in the substance abuse trap my parent's words echoed in my mind. I tried to contain my destruction to myself and made conscious decisions to try not to harm others. When I bedded women in a sorry attempt to reclaim my man card and lash out at all women (since I couldn't lash out at my ex) I still tried to act in a pseudo honorable manner avoiding married women and taking steps to prevent attachments. Again, my parents were in my head. My parent's advice and my good upbringing kept me from completely embracing the dark side. Your son is an adult. He is going to make his own decisions. But do not doubt that your teachings have had an impact. Hopefully someday you will see just how much of an impact they have had.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Deeply sorry AC. I will keep my eyes open for her to arrive here if she chooses too. Until then, super duper big hugs to you, my beloved Sister.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> Well as the title says, I found out last night that son#3 is cheating, and I'm just not dealing with it very well.
> 
> It's an online affair, and so far he's pretty much cake-eating and his wife is pretty much doing everything wrong: begging, crying, trying to have "relationship talks" etc. He's COMPLETELY fogged in and treating her like dirt, and everything he says entitled and self-centered.
> 
> ...



Tell her parents....they can help her start to break away and divorce proceedings. That may wake him up.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Augusto said:


> Tell her parents....they can help her start to break away and divorce proceedings. That may wake him up.


Honestly this is part of the issue right here. 

My son is essentially mirroring the behavior of his father, my exH...who of course is encouraging his behavior and egging him on

...and DIL has a mom who is (hmmm, how do I say this?)...well she has issues of her own staying in touch with reality and living her own hard life. So it probably would not be beneficial for her to contact her mom and get sucked into that drama too. 

Now from what I can tell DIL's dad is an okay guy, and step-mom is also somewhat okay. They live that suburban life and raised her fairly well, and she and my son chose a little wilder lifestyle but hey in their 20's who doesn't live a little on the edge, right? We're rebels without a cause! So her dad might be a resource of strength. 

But I did hear from her that she got the link here, and she says "he is slowly coming back to himself." Right now, I'm praying he'd be willing to come talk to my Dear Hubby "man to man" because you know--Dear Hubby has BTDT and he might listen to a man.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

AC's DIL... I am so sorry you are hurting...

It should not be so...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

AC, if she does post a thread here, will you please link it? I would not mind devoting some time to it should she choose to start one.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Remember my post about sometime a cheater needs an ass whoop'n?!?! Well her is an example!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AffairCare my heart goes out to you and your DIL. Your son's bad choices are his own and have NO bearing whatsoever on your efforts in raising him to be a man of integrity. Your DIL also is not to blame for his bad choices either and you need to keep reminding her of this.

Please consider printing out the following and giving it to your DIL to read.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*
*The 180 degree rules*

Your DIL is lucky that she has someone who other BS don't have, YOU.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> She'll do well in your guidance AC...


Amen brother AW

55


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* My sympathy AC! Get his W over here and we'll do everything we can to help her!

And my heartfelt prayers go out for your son so that he can conscionably realize the errors of his ways and can quickly come back to his senses!*


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AMEN TO THAT, arbitrator!


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