# my realtionship



## Aculeo (Mar 17, 2010)

Ok topic became a bit off topic and long not sure it should be here but I'm out of it :sleeping: not even sure if it's readable. 


I'm a bit confused to what the future may hold, maybe some women on her can help me understand,

My girlfriend is adamant she doesn't want to ever have kids, I have been though a lot with her and we have been together a few years now. At one stage when I wanted a serious discussion she treated it like it was big joke when I wanted a heart to heart. It hurt and she apologized. We latter talked and I seemed to get the bottom of it that it truly terrifys her even the thought of having a child and she doesn't know if she will ever be ready.

I feel there is much more to it though, but I can't talk more about it it took a lot of pushing the subject to get deeper into the issue.
Why do I feel there is more to it? She's very complex.
She was mentally and physically abused from her parents from an early age and while her parents rarely ever touch her now they still verbally abuse her. They aren't what parents should be at least 85% of the time.
She doesn't come from a loving family and was taken back at what mine is like. I come from a very loving family.

She was molested at an early age but a related family member, her mother knew butI forget if the dad did. The mother did nothing her wrote a card saying what he had done asking for forgiveness and the mother ripped it and left it at that. None of the other family knows. She didn't want someone in their family to be convicted and know as a sex offender.

She was bullied for much of her schooling years, as a result of the parents abuse she was desperate for interaction with other people anyone to be her friend. As a result of her parents forcing her to study and locking her indoors the mother would pinch her and father even sat on her chest. The abused her from the start of even preschool not allowing her to play with other children. She has adhd, they put her on medication at 5yrs old and forced her to study from preschool the abuse started.

In her teens she was desperate in a bid for human interaction and poor social skills and little ability to so no to people she had few friends. The next devastating event started place she became involved with a psychopath using her pain and everything he could to manipulate and abuse her isolating her from other around her and controlling her, she was repeatedly raped over a number of occasions. 
Now when the mother learned what happened you know what any sane parent would do, she didn't the mother treated her like it was her fault she was the cause of this for two days nothing happened the mother ignored her and wouldn't acknowledge her. She did get her the morning after pill and treated her daughter like she was a ****. The father did find out, he wasn't much better to her.
Her trust and vulnerability coupled with his manipulation lured her out of her home one night she was raped again. No on knew that time.

It ended up at the police latter on, no evidence way to late daughter broke down with detective told all. What happend... nothing! I don't know what the mom and dad said etc. but as far as I know as it was to late no physical evidence etc. I don't know. They wouldn't have anything done, daughter thought they had at least had a restraining order taken out. The guy stalked her and abused her mentally for a long time after. She that no restraining order had been taken out.

A while back police contacted her, he was saying strange things about her. I think one of the last messages was he wanted to marry her and take her away. He raped a little girl a relative of his. Well her dad talked to the police office her knew him pulled over for speeding... it turns out the guy said something about wanting it to be her it should of been her so he raped this 9yr old girl. It might of been molested I forget exactly or both.
Long story short, when she thought he was far away in the army in another state he was close by the entire time! I think he was discharged from the army. Now for what he did to this little girl his now in jail. I know not what sentence they gave him I hope he never gets out.
Later on a holiday an uncle tried to molest her to! her mom and dad did nothing again, just didn't want her to be alone with him and mother forgave him.
Also when she was rapped the time she summoned the courage and talked to her mum and the mother treated her like she was nothing, dirt, a ****, she caused it, wanted it didn't talk ignored etc. this caused her to think it was her fault and she wasn't good enough not long after these event she tried to commit suicide to escape it all.

The worst part is that her parents could of done so much they have destroyed her childhood and greatly affected her as an adult also. They have caused her greater pain than anyone should go through and never helped her when she needed it most. What I had typed is nowhere near everything that she has had happen. 


She's not the same person I met, it was hard but I could see though her layers of protection the barriers she put up to try and avoid feeling pain and everything she wanted to block. 
The psychological damage that was done to her has taken nearly two years to bring her from the edge of possible suicide to being much more stable and being able to be her real self most of the time. I feel she will be recovering for sometime, it has been hard for me at times I wanted to just give up and end it, but I had fallen in love and couldn't I knew her to well to give up on her.
She has put me though a lot, her memory is extraordinary and causes issues sometimes. I have to watch what I say about her or others particularly women, she can become depressed at times, very insecure and also not totally recovered from bulimia shes been doing very well lately though. Shes caused issues with trying to control me going out etc. at the time I was going to go out suddenly desperately need me. It seemed like she had to completely break down to realize what she was doing to get over a barrier in her mind. I was at the edge I didn't care anymore if I was with her if I saw her ever again. I'm just glad that that was the last of that transition to recovering her bleakest moment of insecurity issues concerning me was overcame. She was truly sorry apologized and would of understood if I had wanted to break it off at that point.



It turned into a long post, I'm not really vivid lake of sleep.
This has become a way to vent my thoughts as I can't discuss this with family or friends and needed to just get it out. 
I also can't just discuss to frankly what I'm thinking at times to her depending on what it is because of what has happened to her she can overanalyse, set off insecurity or worse. 

I love her dearly but it's a long road I have been down, I don't ever want to go back down it. I feel like I have been a repair man. If we marry and down the track she doesn't want kids what do I do?
I'm not without faults, I'm not the most compassionate of people or feeling and this relationship was unexpected I'm not sure why I didn't finish it when I learned her issues maybe I was in love and didn't know it? I have a cruel side though and possibility if we are married for many years and children aren't something that she will ever want, I'm not sure if I would stay. Keep in mind I do not at all want children soon but in the future I do.

She's slowly becoming a much more functioning person, it's so much much better than before. She's so complex it has been mentally exhausting at times getting her through this to get this far for her to a more dare I say normal person. Though utterly unique she is that's for sure I love who she is.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm sorry she's gone through so much. She may or may not change her mind in regard to having children, but it doesn't sound like she is even close to being ready for marriage, let alone parenting.

Ask her if she wasn't terrified if she would want kids or if it is a possibility in the future. Then decide if you want to wait to see how it goes and if she does decide later to have children, or if you would be better off moving on. Either way, I wouldn't consider marriage or parenting with her until you are quite sure she has overcome these issues from her past to the point that she is able to have the healthy communication and coping skills needed for a good marriage.


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## Aculeo (Mar 17, 2010)

It comes up now and then, and she smiles and says about not ever having kids but the way this happens it has something to do with her body image. The life she had as a child, how they are lot of work, how she feels if she has a child her life is over she can't do what she wants. I know she thinks to have a child is something that being a women means it's expected she's obligated and it's not something that she should be think otherwise it seems, so she is deeply opposed and doesn't want to think about it to much.

I think I have discussed with her enough on the issue and know her well enough if I bring it up again it wouldn't be wise at least for now. I think it's something that time will tell, I can't get a completely straight answer. I think I do but get mixed signals latter. I think she really doesn't know herself and that she is no way ready for that step or even deciding. It not something that will matter for at least 10yrs but it's something I'm concerned about as I know I do want kids latter.

As far as marriage goes I'm not one to rush in. 
This relationship I can't even think of a comparison. It's been so utterly complex and with her mental state of mind at the start being dangerously delicate it sure has been a journey to have her in her current state of being fairly stable and coping reasonably well.
I can't even begin to express the relief when I first could notice changes to her mental state indicating she was improving. 
It took so long I was about at wits end and accepting she might be just to psychologically traumatized that there wasn't going to be improvements and I would be best to move on with my own life.

Now I know if it wasn't our meeting and relationship developing I don't know if she would be either alive or if so what state she would be in.
I care so much for her and she is an amazing person. I'm surprised she coped at all knowing all of what happened to her. It has been a strange feeling knowing how much I influence her in the sense of mental health, happiness and general well being and knowing how much she has been relying on me.
I'm just glad she's better not 100% but getting there and it's starting to feel like what our relationship should be not how it has been at times.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Well, at this point, I would leave it alone about children. Ten years is a long time and probably about 75% at least of parents I know today - at one point swore they would never, ever, ever have children. So, just take it slow and see how it progresses.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Aculeo, given all the abuse your GF sustained in childhood, I would say that her unwillingness to have children will be the least of your problems. I agree with Happy that she is not even close to be ready for a LTR. Like your GF, my exW was sexually abused for years by a family member during her childhood. Also like your GF, my exW received no support or affirmation from her mother, who chose to ignore it. My exW therefore was taught for many years that her opinion did not matter and her perceptions were incorrect.

The result was to create several serious problems. First, it destroyed her self concept of who she is. That is, she does not have a strong ego to center herself. She does not even know today what she will be liking two weeks from now. Hence, she buys things that she absolutely loves for two weeks and then quickly loses all interest in them.

Second, all of that denial by her mother of the things my exW was experiencing made her feel totally out of control throughout childhood. She therefore grew up to be a very controlling person. This means she is incapable of compromising or working with me to achieve a mutually agreeable decision. If she were to compromise, she would feel like I was totally in control and had somehow tricked her into such an agreement. 

It was so bad that, even though we both had nearly identical tastes in furniture, we could never agree on a piece of furniture. As soon as I would say I liked something she had picked out, my agreement would be the kiss of death for that item. The only way she could know she was in control, then, was to select something she knew I would absolutely hate.

Third, the experience also also destroyed her ability to trust anyone, which meant that she would accuse me of all sorts of outrageous things throughout our marriage. She was jealous, for example, of my even mentioning the name of a GF I had known 30 years earlier. She also was jealous of my becoming close to her family members -- or my own family members. She was jealous because she had an abandonment fear so strong and so deep that it distorted her perceptions of my intent and motivation. Because trust is the foundation on which any LTR must be built, a woman lacking the ability to trust is incapable of sustaining a LTR. 

I know you must be feeling that you want to protect her and help her heal. The reality, however -- and I learned this the hard way -- is that you cannot fix her. She must be willing to do that herself. The chances of her being willing to do it, however, are not great. The problem is that, with the way her self-image was shattered at a young age, and with all of the repeated abuse, the only thread of a self image she has to hold onto is that of being a victim. She therefore likely is terrified of giving up that last remaining shred of her self image. 

Until she is able to let go of thinking of herself as a victim, she will not have the attitude that she is responsible for her own actions -- an attitude that would empower her to understand that she can now fix herself by choosing to work hard in therapy. Instead of recognizing that she is choosing to remain sick, she likely will blame all her problems on other people. That is what my exW did. And because I was the one around her the most, she blamed me for nearly everything she was unhappy about. I therefore hope you will choose to avoid going down the same path I took.


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