# depression destroyed my relationship?



## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

I really don't know what or who to turn to at the moment so i'm posting here to maybe just vent a little.

I am a 35yo male, when i was about 18 thru till about 22 - 23 i had a history of depression and attempted suicide a few times (possibly not seriously). I still suffered on and off with depression for a number of years but have never fallen back into the total despair i felt back then. 

i have/had been with my current partner for 10 years now and have 2 wonderful children together aged 9 and 5. we have recently had a pretty bad falling out and she went to live with her parents for 2 weeks. She came back and said that she wants me to move out. Unfortunately financially we are just in a terrible position and moving out right now isn't an option and my parents are pretty unreliable so no chance there. The reason we are splitting up is pretty much due to me being unavailable to her emotionally, i would come home spend a little time with her and the kids and then turn to online games to take my mind off things while she would sit in front of the TV all night until bed time. 

Now that i have had time to think about it on my own i realise that the depression probably has had a huge grip on my life for a long time. All the things that she wanted ie marriage and purchasing a home i just felt were out of reach and i could never provide for her.A few months ago i was thinking of purchasing her flights to another city in australia so she could see her brothers new child as a surprise but our bills mounted up and i just couldnt afford it. I felt so bad about it I started thinking she was better off without me so she could find someone who could provide all those things for her that i can't. 

Over the last few months whenever she has brought up things i have just become snappish and irrationally irritable with anything she says or does which i am sure is horrible for her and a few weeks ago when she was asking whether i was ever going to marry her i told her i dont think i ever want to get married. The look on her face will haunt me for a long time i just wish i could take it back. This led to her deciding to move out for a time and while apart i just felt so uncomfortable ringing i only rang to speak to the kids a few times. Now she feels like a didnt even care enough to ring her and try and talk her back and has pretty much decided everything is over. 

Now that everything has crashed down around me I just don't know what to do and while i want her back i don't want to put her through more pain that i would likely bring her.

Anyone have any similar experience that could help me decide what to do? did u move out and get help for the depression first? or try and sort your issues out with the spouse? I don't want to beg for her to take me back and i certainly don't want her pity i want to be everything she needs but maybe its too late. It feels so uncomfortable coming home, When i do get home she seems quite cheery and talks to me about her day and kids etc - i feel kind of resentful that she seems to have moved on so quickly but then maybe she moved on a long time ago.

sorry for the rambling just wish i knew what to do anymore


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Are you medicated? Counseling?

Might want to take those first steps. 

If you choose to do neither, you're doing an injustice to yourself.


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## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

SkyHigh said:


> Are you medicated? Counseling?
> 
> Might want to take those first steps.
> 
> If you choose to do neither, you're doing an injustice to yourself.


haven't had meds for a long time... thought i was doing relatively well as i hadnt had any major issues for quite a while but i guess the depression may have been eating at me. thinking of counselling but im thinking its not going to help my relationship


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

As somebody who is married to somebody who is in possession of severe clinical depression, refusing to go on meds or therapy, I'll ask you this:

Do you want to find a source of stability or are you going to live in fear.

Face yourself. Trust yourself.


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## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

SkyHigh said:


> As somebody who is married to somebody who is in possession of severe clinical depression, refusing to go on meds or therapy, I'll ask you this:
> 
> Do you want to find a source of stability or are you going to live in fear.
> 
> Face yourself. Trust yourself.


I'm lucky enough that my workplace has a free system in place for counsellors so im off to see one later this week. I'm so glad i booked in because i am at the end of my tether.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Best of luck to you, that's the way to start, my man.


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