# Mu husband says I'm boring



## lake lora

Over the weekend, my husband told me I was boring. It was hurtful. We have been married for 7 years, 2 children, both working full time jobs outside of the home. We have little babysitting assistance. Our children are involved in school activities. After we eat dinner, I help the kids with homework, bathe them, get snack, and get them in the bed, I try 2 do a load of laundry or so, pick up shoes, etc. My husband says he is tired of waiting on me to make love late @ night. I have to wait until our kids are asleep. The baby usually gets up a couple of times before she falls asleep. I am doing the best I can. What can I do?


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## tacoma

Get him to help with all those night time chores.

If he wants more time with you he should be making it happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonedcompletely

tacoma said:


> Get him to help with all those night time chores.
> 
> If he wants more time with you he should be making it happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: I was thinking the same thing


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## lake lora

It's not that I don't want to switch things up a little every once in a while but we have to be quiet because of the kids. When he wants to be intimate, and the kids take longer to go to sleep he begins to yell at them and then I feel terrible.


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## lake lora

From a guys perspective, what can I do to spice things up so it doesn't seem like the same ol' thing all the time?


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## Enchantment

Hi lora ~

I hope you realize that your husband bears some amount of responsibility in this as well - him not being willing to engage in foreplay with you, yelling at the kids, not helping out in the household, and telling you that you are boring - well, none of those things will likely do much to endear you to want to have sex with him. I hope that you will be honest with him about those things, and that he will try and meet you in the middle.

Normally, I would suggest that a wife try and give her husband appreciation - verbally telling him that she appreciates what he does and what he is - and that she try to enthusiastically meet his sexual needs. But, that is all predicated upon having a man who is truly worthy of those things. If he is not, then HE will need to do some work to get to the point where his wife can genuinely meet those needs.

Is HE as willing to work on this as YOU are?

Best wishes.


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## Lionelhutz

I'm in a sexless marriage so I can identify if your husband feels frustrated, but I have no sympathy for him if he is not helping you to make it happen ....beyond yelling the kids. 

If he is actually helping and that is not the issue, based on the limited info you have provided, all I can suggest is that most men like variety and spontaneity. It doesn't have involve an elaborate investment of time or energy.


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## lake lora

He says that he will help if I ask him to. So when I do ask, its like he messes things up on purpose so I won't ask him to do it. Really, the only thing that I have asked him to do is make the bed and put his dishes in the dishwasher which has rarely ever done. When night time comes and its all piled up, I do it and he never remarks. He is totally in to his television shows and when he comes home, he gets swallowed by the couch. When I try to talk (and yes, I have to talk while the televisions on) he tries to tell me to wait or says, "I'm trying to watch this, can it wait?" I just get so many mixed signals. Its a lot to digest.


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## Ayla

If it's really about the chores and the baby stayng up late then he needs to participate in the chores and getting the kids to bed earlier.


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## tacoma

It sounds like he`s pretty uninvolved in life in general.

Has he always been this way?


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## lake lora

Pretty much. It has gotten a little worse.


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## RClawson

Lake,

Your husband is a dolt. Quit being a mouse and tell that lazy SOB to man up, help out (legitimately) and you will rock his world otherwise the SOP will remain the same. Plain and simple.


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## Hicks

I'm surprised you are willing to try. I mean that in a good way. Most wives would be totally non sexual toward their husbands based on the information you describe. To improve the quality of your daily life, I suggest that you quit your job and take care of the kids, so that your home life is not a constant stress out.


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## lake lora

Hicks, 
We bought our first home recently so I am unable to. Before that (when our baby was born) I mentioned that and he totally didn't go for it. He isn't much for women staying home. You have no idea how much easier my life would be if I could. I wouldn't have near as many problems in life as I do now simply based on the whole child care issue. Sometimes I just want to run away but other times I feel like I'd just be throwing in the towel.


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## lake lora

What do you think that he means when he says that I'm boring? What could I do to peak his interest? Guys should be able to answer this one easily.


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## Hicks

Either you are not having enough sex with him, or you two are not having any fun together, as a couple.


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## Lionelhutz

lake lora said:


> What do you think that he means when he says that I'm boring? What could I do to peak his interest? Guys should be able to answer this one easily.


No we shouldn't be able to answer this easily because we are not actually all the same.

It seems that what is making you "boring" might be a lack of interest in sex brought on by stress and exhaustion. That clearly needs to be addressed directly regardless of what is going on in your sex life.

As I mentioned, a desire most men have that women don't always share is a craving for variety and spontaneity. It seems more common for women to be okay with familiar sex when all the conditions are exactly right. Most men would like to be surprised by something and or at an unexpected time. As I said, in your situation, I would start with something limited rather then elaborate.

But just like setting up that new High Def TV or constructing "assembly required" furniture, once you have tried absolutely everything else and it has failed, you can look at the instruction manual. In relationship terms, that means asking your spouse directly.


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## chillymorn

I'd like too hear his side of the story.

the truth lie in the middle somewhere.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

If he can't find pleasant entertainment and companionship in raising a family especially with a baby, he's the boring one. Boring people get bored easily.


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## AFEH

lake lora said:


> What do you think that he means when he says that I'm boring? What could I do to peak his interest? Guys should be able to answer this one easily.


Basically it means the guys a slob which is further born out by the way you describe his behavior.

When I hear stories like yours I often think I’d like to take the guy to one side for a bit and tell him what is what in married life, most especially when young children are involved.

He really does need to pull his socks up and up his act. But that’s not going to happen while you are behaving like you do.



Create a list of everything that needs doing in the home. Every single thing. Put a tick against the things you do and give him a list of the things you want him to do every day of the week. If it’s different things each day, then list them as Sunday, Monday, Tuesday etc.


Then he will know what is expected of him. From your tone I reckon you’ll still be doing more than him but the thing is to get him started.

This way you are giving him the opportunity to step up to the plate. If he doesn’t take it then you’ll know you have an exceptionally selfish husband.


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## tm84

lake lora said:


> What do you think that he means when he says that I'm boring? What could I do to peak his interest? Guys should be able to answer this one easily.


What he means by "boring" could be any number of things. Guys are not all alike, so there is no easy answer to this. It could run the gamut from you guys not making time for each other to enjoy your company to him being stuck in a rut in his own life to there needing to be something changed about your sex life together...

From what you wrote, what needs to happen is that the two of you sit down and talk about what both of your needs family-wise and relationship-wise. Open, clear, non-blaming communication is very much needed between you, it seems. From your post, it seems that he doesn't like being involved in the day-to-day maintenance of the household and still expects you to want to be sexual after working, meeting the needs of your children and other household chores. He seriously needs to step up and do his part to make this situation better or you are going to wind up being really resentful towards him after a while.


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## isla~mama

Setting aside the fact that he is being a total CAD by dumping all the housework on you-- perhaps you could ask him to show you some porn he finds "interesting" and go from there. But really he needs to help you out more (and do a decent job of it) if he expects you to work full time.

You could also agree to ban TV on certain nights of the week-- TV is an abominable time sucker. I don't let my kids breathe on the TV or video games on school nights, otherwise nothing gets done and the stress level is sky high.


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## Married in VA

Lake,
I get the same thing from my wife. She tells me I am boring all the time but our definitions of fun are vastly different. For her, fun is going out to bars, getting sloppy drunk, and hooking up with random guys. Needless to say we are not going to be married for much longer. My definition of fun is more subdued. We have 3 children and they have to come first. I like watching TV in moderation and watching movies and OCCASIONALLY going out to bars and drinking socially, in moderation. I recommend you talk to your husband about what he considers "fun" and if it doesn't compromise your principals, then spend some time meeting his needs.


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## CandieGirl

lake lora said:


> He says that he will help if I ask him to. So when I do ask, its like he messes things up on purpose so I won't ask him to do it. Really, the only thing that I have asked him to do is make the bed and put his dishes in the dishwasher which has rarely ever done. When night time comes and its all piled up, I do it and he never remarks. He is totally in to his television shows and when he comes home, he gets swallowed by the couch. When I try to talk (and yes, I have to talk while the televisions on) he tries to tell me to wait or says, "I'm trying to watch this, can it wait?" I just get so many mixed signals. Its a lot to digest.


Your husband is passive-agressive...are you getting anything out of this relationship? When I read your posts, I feel an ache for you.


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## anotherguy

first - only the boring get bored. Seriously. What - does he want, entertainment? If he is bored _perhaps_ he should get busy and show a little motivation to make something happen. Oh wait.. that would take effort. 

second he will help 'if you ask'? Really? Wow.. more effort. We cant have that now can we.

"...After we eat dinner, I help the kids with homework, bathe them, get snack, and get them in the bed, I try 2 do a load of laundry or so, pick up shoes, etc. My husband says he is tired of waiting on me to make love late @ night. I have to wait until our kids are asleep. The baby usually gets up a couple of times before she falls asleep. I am doing the best I can. What can I do?"

Your husband is a selfish slug. Its hard work having little ones, and it looks to me like you are doing all the heavy lifting... and he is doing... what exactly? Time to start behaving like a parent.

And on top of that he is name-calling?

The kids come first. If he needs attention so badly - let him in on the little secret that parenting includes giving baths, cleaning up, brushing teeth, doing laundry, cooking meals, all those jobs are for BOTH of you. ...and dont listen to the 'how hard he works during the day' thing... we all do, honey.

I understand I am only getting one side of the story here (yours) but have little tolerance for people that sit on the sofa and blithely complain while their partner works around the house.


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## RDL

Hello Lora,

Alongside the many good suggestions that have been posted may I also suggest a change of mentality when it comes to being intimate and kids.

The healthiest thing you can do for your children is to have a balanced and loving relationship with your partner. Such a relationship includes very frequent and open lovemaking. As such I strongly recommend you do not be ashamed of making love and making noise at any time.

As it stands right now you are forming in your children that sex is something shameful and hidden and infrequent in a relationship. Your children only have you as a model relationship and what they are exposed to in your household will affect them greatly when trying to build relationships in their adulthood.

I strongly suggest you start making love often and when the kids are awake. That is very healthy for them as they will pick up on the loving energy that results from it and they will associate intimacy with love and bonding. Also very importantly they will realize that having kids is not an obstruction to lovemaking so your son will not have the anxiety when deciding to have children of his own cause he knows how to handle the situation.


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## anotherguy

FreedomCorp said:


> Hello Lora,
> 
> Alongside the many good suggestions that have been posted may I also suggest a change of mentality when it comes to being intimate and kids.
> 
> The healthiest thing you can do for your children is to have a balanced and loving relationship with your partner. Such a relationship includes very frequent and open lovemaking. As such I strongly recommend you do not be ashamed of making love and making noise at any time.
> 
> As it stands right now you are forming in your children that sex is something shameful and hidden and infrequent in a relationship. Your children only have you as a model relationship and what they are exposed to in your household will affect them greatly when trying to build relationships in their adulthood.
> 
> I strongly suggest you start making love often and when the kids are awake. That is very healthy for them as they will pick up on the loving energy that results from it and they will associate intimacy with love and bonding. Also very importantly they will realize that having kids is not an obstruction to lovemaking so your son will not have the anxiety when deciding to have children of his own cause he knows how to handle the situation.


There is a difference between discression and decorum and 'shameful and hidden'. Seems to me you are presuming too much - and missing the point of the post.

The original posters question revolves around the unequal burden of responsibilities around the house - and not about some perception that she is instilling 'shame' into her kids about sex.


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## southbound

lake lora said:


> Over the weekend, my husband told me I was boring. It was hurtful. We have been married for 7 years, 2 children, both working full time jobs outside of the home. We have little babysitting assistance. Our children are involved in school activities. After we eat dinner, I help the kids with homework, bathe them, get snack, and get them in the bed, I try 2 do a load of laundry or so, pick up shoes, etc. My husband says he is tired of waiting on me to make love late @ night. I have to wait until our kids are asleep. The baby usually gets up a couple of times before she falls asleep. I am doing the best I can. What can I do?


Why does he think you are boring? Is it because you are into everyday life things like cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids, or is it because he thinks your sex life should be spicier?

I'm a divorced guy. I can certainly understand a guy wanting his wife to come to bed; however, he needs to do his share of the chores; I certainly did. I would have felt like a nut sitting around letting my wife do all the work.


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## Stonewall

There are several different levels of things to address here. First off your husband should see what all you have to do on his own and join the battle. You may have to propmt him on what you need done but he should see that the need exists and make some effort on his on.

Secondly, Most people with young ones feel they have to put the children first. This is wrong they should generally be a close second. Your relationship should come first. Children will consume as much of your time and energy as you will let them. They will be first, last and so on unless you put them in their proper role. 

Make time for your relationship pester his ass until he gets with the program.


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## DTO

lake lora said:


> It's not that I don't want to switch things up a little every once in a while but we have to be quiet because of the kids. When he wants to be intimate, and the kids take longer to go to sleep he begins to yell at them and then I feel terrible.


Why do you have to be quiet? Are they old enough to understand what the sounds are?

I am a strong proponent of integrating your kids into your schedule. If you keep the home absolutely quiet for your kids to sleep, they will come to need that. In essence, you are making the problem worse.

For this problem at least, make sure you either pop in a DVD or keep normal household noise (a TV in another part of the house, for instance) going. The kids will adjust and learn to sleep regardless of what's going on - trust me.


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## DTO

anotherguy said:


> There is a difference between discression and decorum and 'shameful and hidden'. Seems to me you are presuming too much - and missing the point of the post.
> 
> The original posters question revolves around the unequal burden of responsibilities around the house - and not about some perception that she is instilling 'shame' into her kids about sex.


Disagree. The OP says she has to be quiet around the kids. That strongly suggests a level of discomfort (if not actual shame) about sex in addition to the division of chores.

She is going to have to learn that the kids can hear and that's okay. If she's embarrassed now, what happens when the kids are teenagers - have sex only when the house is empty?


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## okeydokie

Stonewall said:


> Most people with young ones feel they have to put the children first. This is wrong they should generally be a close second. Your relationship should come first. Children will consume as much of your time and energy as you will let them. They will be first, last and so on unless you put them in their proper role.
> 
> Make time for your relationship pester his ass until he gets with the program.


:iagree:


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## Therealbrighteyes

Just to make sure I understand, you work full time, take care of the children full time, tend to all their needs all the while he lays on the couch telling you "Can't it wait until the show is over" yet expects sex on demand? Um yeah. You're boring? I sounds to me like he is a lazy human being who wants things when he wants it and throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. I would make it crystal clear and I mean crystal clear to him that women don't have sex with children and since he is acting like one, you won't. If he wants to sack up and act like a man, then things will change. 
You need to set your limits and stake your boundaries. You will not ask him in the future for "help". He has eyes, doesn't he? He can see dishes need to be done or dirty children need to be bathed. As a father, he has equal responsibility in all of that. I would let him know in no uncertain terms what your expectations are.


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## Halien

lake lora said:


> He says that he will help if I ask him to. So when I do ask, its like he messes things up on purpose so I won't ask him to do it. Really, the only thing that I have asked him to do is make the bed and put his dishes in the dishwasher which has rarely ever done. When night time comes and its all piled up, I do it and he never remarks. He is totally in to his television shows and when he comes home, he gets swallowed by the couch. When I try to talk (and yes, I have to talk while the televisions on) he tries to tell me to wait or says, "I'm trying to watch this, can it wait?" I just get so many mixed signals. Its a lot to digest.


Your husband is boring. He's a slob, and he's lazy to boot. The crux of this is that you place his opinion on things on a higher plane than your own, and the deference isn't reversed, with him caring about how hard you work. Change that dynamic, and your marriage will be different. Remind him that you had dreams of being with a man who would inspire pride, and if the relationship can come to the place of judging each other like this, you will. In my opinion, its time for such frank talk. Keep in mind that the moment he fears that you are aware that you have a raw deal, he will begin to work hard to keep you.


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## Beowulf

lake lora said:


> It's not that I don't want to switch things up a little every once in a while but we have to be quiet because of the kids. When he wants to be intimate, and the kids take longer to go to sleep he begins to yell at them and then I feel terrible.


Ok, not telling you how to raise your children but... 

being quiet all the time will condition your children to only be able to sleep in absolute quiet. Children who get used to a little noise will eventually sleep through things like the noise of two adults talking, giggling, and more (moaning )

Does your husband really think you are boring or does he feel you are spending too much time on the kids and not enough on the two of you.

I also agree that your husband should help you more with the kids. Children are a shared responsibility.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Beowulf said:


> Ok, not telling you how to raise your children but...
> 
> being quiet all the time will condition your children to only be able to sleep in absolute quiet. Children who get used to a little noise will eventually sleep through things like the noise of two adults talking, giggling, and more (moaning )
> 
> Does your husband really think you are boring or does he feel you are spending too much time on the kids and not enough on the two of you.
> 
> I also agree that your husband should help you more with the kids. Children are a shared responsibility.


She is spending time on the children because he is not. Somebody has to! He thinks she is boring because she is acting like an adult, period. He needs to grow the hell up.


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## SimplyAmorous

DTO said:


> Why do you have to be quiet? Are they old enough to understand what the sounds are?
> 
> I am a strong proponent of integrating your kids into your schedule. If you keep the home absolutely quiet for your kids to sleep, they will come to need that. In essence, you are making the problem worse.
> 
> For this problem at least, make sure you either pop in a DVD or keep normal household noise (a TV in another part of the house, for instance) going. The kids will adjust and learn to sleep regardless of what's going on - trust me.


I see 2 problems here.. your husband is not helping you enough considering you both work full time.... those household chores (laundry/cooking, cleaning) need to be equally shared (he is not at all carrying his weight), and all the help with the children should be shared also...some multitasking & time management ....so the night can come a little quicker for the both of you. Maybe while he helps one with their homework, you could give the other a bath, while one is doing dishes, laundry can be started, a snack prepared for the kids. 

ON his end, he is slacking here and needs to get off his butt.



ON your end... all this worry over a little noise is unreasonable.... If you are that concerned... don't worry about what time they go to bed, pop in a beloved DVD allow them to fall asleep in the living room, explain you & dad need some time alone, give them their snacks, not sure of thier ages, Do you have to worry that they need constant attention? 

It is natural and normal for parents to need some time alone. 

I don't see why parents try to hide this stuff from kids. ONce you have some FUN, you can always gather them up a little later and carry them off to bed, or if they have a DVD player in their rooms, let them watch it while you slip off to the bedroom for your time. 

Even if you put on a children's CD playing lightly in thier rooms at night, you can easily slip in later and shut it off. So many creative things you can do - to block out a little noise.

We have 6 kids, the youngest is 4, there is nothing that is going to get in the way of our sex life! I let that happen too much in the past, but it was never over a little noise, it was over other stupid things, like choosing to read a book instead. 

I would bet....if you make your husband a priority in the bedroom, you won't get any more Boring comments... but he has to start helping you more around the house, so this does not all fall on you.

Sounds like you both have to give in a little - to accomondate the other, and I feel it would enhance your marraige a great deal. And the kids will benefit from that also.


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## Goldmember357

he should help you out more with chores and in addition he should make things exciting.

Plan dates for you guy's picnics just two at the lake or something go to the beach. Go to really nice restaurants dress up really nice get a baby sister someone you trust or family to watch the children. Hell fly to another city for the fun of it just you two. Have more dates and make things exciting, make fondue watch movies.

Also initiate sex with him more


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## Beowulf

Therealbrighteyes said:


> She is spending time on the children because he is not. Somebody has to! He thinks she is boring because she is acting like an adult, period. He needs to grow the hell up.


Agreed he needs to take more responsibility and I believe I said that. But her posts indicate that she is thinking so much about the children that she may also be neglecting the marriage. Children need to learn that the world is not silent for them. Noise happens. Children also need to learn what a good relationship is all about so that they can emulate it when they seek their own partners as adults. It's all too easy to concentrate on the children and ignore relationship problems. My point is that she is not doing her children any favors by giving them 100% and nothing to her marriage.


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## KJ5000

For purely selfish reasons, he should take on just a few of the things you do so the two of you can "get to it" earlier in the evening.
That seems like a pretty easy fix. Now if that is not his only complaint, you'll have to ask him Exactly what he means by "boring."


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## In_The_Wind

Normally when I am pointing fingers at others I forget about the 2 pointing back at me 
Just saying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes

Beowulf said:


> Agreed he needs to take more responsibility and I believe I said that. But her posts indicate that she is thinking so much about the children that she may also be neglecting the marriage. Children need to learn that the world is not silent for them. Noise happens. Children also need to learn what a good relationship is all about so that they can emulate it when they seek their own partners as adults. It's all too easy to concentrate on the children and ignore relationship problems. My point is that she is not doing her children any favors by giving them 100% and nothing to her marriage.


She isn't neglecting the marriage at all, he is, from what she said. When he sidelines his wife and plants ass on the sofa and she bears the lions share of the work, guess what? 

Agreed, children need to learn what a good relationship is all about. A lazy assed father who forces the wife to be responsible for every isn't showing his children what a "good" relationship is.
I think she is giving 100% to her marriage. I think her man child husband is not and as I said, grown women don't screw children.

Gotta laugh that many are judging her as not doing enough to separate "Mom" from "wife". If her husband separated being a child from being a husband, she could actually be a wife.


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## suesmith

FreedomCorp said:


> Hello Lora,
> 
> Alongside the many good suggestions that have been posted may I also suggest a change of mentality when it comes to being intimate and kids.
> 
> The healthiest thing you can do for your children is to have a balanced and loving relationship with your partner. Such a relationship includes very frequent and open lovemaking. As such I strongly recommend you do not be ashamed of making love and making noise at any time.
> 
> As it stands right now you are forming in your children that sex is something shameful and hidden and infrequent in a relationship. Your children only have you as a model relationship and what they are exposed to in your household will affect them greatly when trying to build relationships in their adulthood.
> 
> I strongly suggest you start making love often and when the kids are awake. That is very healthy for them as they will pick up on the loving energy that results from it and they will associate intimacy with love and bonding. Also very importantly they will realize that having kids is not an obstruction to lovemaking so your son will not have the anxiety when deciding to have children of his own cause he knows how to handle the situation.


I sure hope you arent a counselor. This is the worst advice I have seen on this site. 

You have totally ignored much of what she has said and chosen to only see the lack of sex, and blame her for it. 

Of course there are two sides to every story, but from what she says... he is a lazy, selfish, sperm donor! She needs a partner, not another child to take care of and cater to!


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## Freak On a Leash

lake lora said:


> Hicks,
> We bought our first home recently so I am unable to. Before that (when our baby was born) I mentioned that and he totally didn't go for it. He isn't much for women staying home. You have no idea how much easier my life would be if I could. I wouldn't have near as many problems in life as I do now simply based on the whole child care issue. Sometimes I just want to run away but other times I feel like I'd just be throwing in the towel.


I wouldn't have had kids with this guy. It was a no brainer for me with my husband. We have kids and I stay home. No way were we going to live the life you are living. I'm glad I stood firm on that. I hear your story all the time and it sounds like a nightmare..Is it really worth the "American Dream" of having a house? I'd rather live in apartment. Oh..I do! It's not so bad! I'm not in debt and can leave anytime. To me, THAT'S the American Dream!

Here's the common scenario. Sound familiar?

"We both work full time because we put ourselves into debt and now we have to. We spend ALL our time working and taking care of the kids. We have no time for each other or for ouselves. Husband won't help me with the kids. Wife is boring and doesn't care about our relationship/sex/marriage. We have no sex life or fun/romance together has a couple. Husband is a jerk. Wife won't have sex. Someone has affair. We are now separated/divorced. Kids have to grow up in a broken home, etc, etc, etc. " 

It's a bad scene and it's all over these forums. 

Your husband sounds like a jerk but he probably feels like you aren't investing much in the marriage but he's not investing either by not helping you and acting like a third child. So it keeps going 'round and 'round. 

I would say that some marriage counseling may be in order because you are headed down a bad road. I see a lot of anger and resentment in both of you and for good reason.


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## Freak On a Leash

Beowulf said:


> Agreed he needs to take more responsibility and I believe I said that. But her posts indicate that she is thinking so much about the children that she may also be neglecting the marriage. Children need to learn that the world is not silent for them. Noise happens. Children also need to learn what a good relationship is all about so that they can emulate it when they seek their own partners as adults. It's all too easy to concentrate on the children and ignore relationship problems. My point is that she is not doing her children any favors by giving them 100% and nothing to her marriage.


I agree. You live WITH your kids..not for them! Yes, the husband is being a slob and not helping her out. Parenting should be a partnership. They both work full time. He INSISTED she work so she needs to insist that he help parent! If they BOTH work together to fulfill each other's needs as both a couple and individually then they can concentrate on THEIR relationship. 

What often happens is that the wife becomes a mother first and a wife is a distant second. The husband grows to resent this and becomes one of the kids, if only to get a bit of attention. 

I know you said babysitting is difficult but you need to put aside time for each other. Even if it's just to light a candle, give each other a backrub, talk and make love. But it's got to be a two way investment. Him sitting on the couch while you take care of the kids isn't fair but if you spend ALL your time with the kids and aren't inclined to invest in your relationship then he has reason to be upset too. 

My husband and I would often go into the bedroom and lock the door and tell the kids to STAY downstairs (this is when they were older and didn't have to be supervised constantly). They knew what was up but it wasn't something that we were ashamed of. It was a natural part of our life together as a family. It was better than listening to us scream and yell at each other. 

That said, it can't be a one way street. If your husband can't see fit to help you out with the kids and housework then HOW can he expect you to give to him in the bedroom? It HAS to be a two way street. 

If you can talk reasonably to him about your needs and his and come up with ways to make this situation better than it can work but if he insists that it's all YOUR fault and he is just going to sit on the couch and sulk then it's never going to work. You have to compromise and meet in the middle on this.


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## SomeLady

lake lora said:


> What do you think that he means when he says that I'm boring? What could I do to peak his interest? Guys should be able to answer this one easily.


I'm not a guy. I'm also not a psychic. This is just an idea that occurred to me when I read your description of him vegging out in front of the TV every night:

I think what he means is "I am boring, and I'm going to pin the blame on you."


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## Beowulf

Freak On a Leash said:


> I wouldn't have had kids with this guy. It was a no brainer for me with my husband. We have kids and I stay home. No way were we going to live the life you are living. I'm glad I stood firm on that. I hear your story all the time and it sounds like a nightmare..Is it really worth the "American Dream" of having a house? I'd rather live in apartment. Oh..I do! It's not so bad!
> 
> Here's the common scenario. Sound familiar?
> 
> "We both work full time because we put ourselves into doubt and now we have to. We spend ALL our time working and taking care of the kids. We have no time for each other or for ouselves. Husband won't help me with the kids. Wife is boring and doesn't care about our relationship/sex/marriage. We have no sex life or fun/romance together has a couple. Husband is a jerk. Wife won't have sex. Someone has affair. We are now separated/divorced. Kids have to grow up in a broken home, etc, etc, etc. "
> 
> It's a bad scene and it's all over these forums.
> 
> Your husband sounds like a jerk but he probably feels like you aren't investing much in the marriage but he's not investing either by helping you and acting like a third child. So it keeps going 'round and 'round.
> 
> I would say that some marriage counseling may be in order because you are headed down a bad road. I see a lot of anger and resentment in both of you and for good reason.


Exactly, this sounds just like one of the examples from Dr. Harley's books. They probably both have resentment built up from years of non-communication and inability to negotiate the pitfalls.


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## Beowulf

Freak On a Leash said:


> I agree. You live WITH your kids..not for them! Yes, the husband is being a slob and not helping her out. Parenting should be a partnership. They both work full time. He INSISTED she work so she needs to insist that he help parent! If they BOTH work together to fulfill each other's needs as both a couple and individually then they can concentrate on THEIR relationship.
> 
> What often happens is that the wife becomes a mother first and a wife is a distant second. The husband grows to resent this and becomes one of the kids, if only to get a bit of attention.
> 
> I know you said babysitting is difficult but you need to put aside time for each other. Even if it's just to light a candle, give each other a backrub, talk and make love. But it's got to be a two way investment. Him sitting on the couch while you take care of the kids isn't fair but if you spend ALL your time with the kids and aren't inclined to invest in your relationship then he has reason to be upset too.
> 
> My husband and I would often go into the bedroom and lock the door and tell the kids to STAY downstairs (this is when they were older and didn't have to be supervised constantly). They knew what was up but it wasn't something that we were ashamed of. It was a natural part of our life together as a family. It was better than listening to us scream and yell at each other.
> 
> That said, it can't be a one way street. If your husband can't see fit to help you out with the kids and housework then HOW can he expect you to give to him in the bedroom? It HAS to be a two way street.
> 
> If you can talk reasonably to him about your needs and his and come up with ways to make this situation better than it can work but if he insists that it's all YOUR fault and he is just going to sit on the couch and sulk then it's never going to work. You have to compromise and meet in the middle on this.


You said it much better than I. Thank you.


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## Tall Average Guy

Beowulf said:


> Exactly, this sounds just like one of the examples from Dr. Harley's books. They probably both have resentment built up from years of non-communication and inability to negotiate the pitfalls.


I agree with this, as well as Freak on a Leash. I am a bit distrurbed by the bashing of the husband. The description of his is problematic, and he does need to change, but it is only one side. 

As the one posting her, I would suggest she look to make sure that she is not being controlling in the chores and devoting herself to her children to the exclusion of her husband. Her comment on her husband intentionally messing up chores could be on him, but could also be an example of a woamn who thinks there is only one way to do a chore: her way. Couple that with a working mother who may try to overcompensate by devoting her remaining time to her children, and you have a recipe for a husband who feels excluded, unneeded and resentful.

To the OP, I don't know how much of the above is true, if any. But while implimenting the suggestions to get your husband to do more of the work, make sure that you examine your own actions and avoid those that exclude him (even if unintentional).

Good luck.


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## that_girl

My ex was very boring. He did things he liked, but omg....zzzzz.....

I did my own thing...I was not boring. When he'd come with me, he'd just sit there...zzzzzz...

Good thing we broke up!


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## Freak On a Leash

Beowulf said:


> Exactly, this sounds just like one of the examples from Dr. Harley's books. They probably both have resentment built up from years of non-communication and inability to negotiate the pitfalls.


I don't know Dr Harley. My son is named Harley. :smthumbup:

Anyway, it's a self perpetuating cycle and I read/hear about it all the time. It's a classic situation in marriage. The wife turns into the MOTHER and forgets how to be a GIRLFRIEND to her husband. The husband resents this and becomes another child and sits sulking on the couch and might go off at some point to find a new girlfriend. There HAS to be some give and take for this to be altered! 

IMO both these people are at fault and BOTH have to work hard to fix it or else the cycle will go on and on, with disastrous results. In the end, the kids will suffer. I'd start with sitting down and discussing things in a civil, adult manner rather than making demands or "giving in". It can't be one sided. If only one person cares that's not going to work either. That's where MC might be a good option, but BOTH people have to want it. 

I don't know the husband's side but if he truly thinks he's fine and it's all on his wife then it's a real problem. She seems to want to make it work but she has her own pre-formed ideas about what SHOULD happen. She needs to be flexible too, especially when it comes to sex and time alone as a couple. 

What makes a person boring? Well, IMO it's when you get stuck in a RUT and it's all about business and the "routine". When I read the OP's description of her life I cringe and want to run away! It sounds TERRIBLE! And yes..it sounds horribly boring. But she is trying to do right by her kids but I'm sure that in time her KIDS will think she's boring too! It happens a lot with the "mother-type" women whose lives are ONLY about their kids. They become one dimensional and yes, boring. 

The husband is wrong in the way he acts. Instead of sulking and complaining he could help her and maybe THEN she would feel happy and grateful and into doing some fun stuff, instead of being all stressed out and overwhelmed. That's how the cycle gets broken, but it takes some GIVE as well as TAKE. 

I personally like to have FUN and do fun and interesting things and break up that same old day to day routine. I can honestly say that I'm NOT a boring person. My kids and husband will be the first ones to say that. I'm other things though. 

I'm just glad that owning a home was never a priority for me. Too many people rush to buy a house and then start a family and never think things through as to how their lives are going to be altered. Unless both parties are on board with the whole child rearing situation then it's not going to work. I feel badly for the kids because in the end they really suffer.


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## Beowulf

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't know Dr Harley. My son is named Harley. :smthumbup:
> 
> Anyway, it's a self perpetuating cycle and I read/hear about it all the time. It's a classic situation in marriage. The wife turns into the MOTHER and forgets how to be a GIRLFRIEND to her husband. The husband resents this and becomes another child and sits sulking on the couch and might go off at some point to find a new girlfriend. There HAS to be some give and take for this to be altered!
> 
> IMO both these people are at fault and BOTH have to work hard to fix it or else the cycle will go on and on, with disastrous results. In the end, the kids will suffer. I'd start with sitting down and discussing things in a civil, adult manner rather than making demands or "giving in". It can't be one sided. If only one person cares that's not going to work either. That's where MC might be a good option, but BOTH people have to want it.
> 
> I don't know the husband's side but if he truly thinks he's fine and it's all on his wife then it's a real problem. She seems to want to make it work but she has her own pre-formed ideas about what SHOULD happen. She needs to be flexible too, especially when it comes to sex and time alone as a couple.
> 
> What makes a person boring? Well, IMO it's when you get stuck in a RUT and it's all about business and the "routine". When I read the OP's description of her life I cringe and want to run away! It sounds TERRIBLE! And yes..it sounds horribly boring. But she is trying to do right by her kids but I'm sure that in time her KIDS will think she's boring too! It happens a lot with the "mother-type" women whose lives are ONLY about their kids. They become one dimensional and yes, boring.
> 
> The husband is wrong in the way he acts. Instead of sulking and complaining he could help her and maybe THEN she would feel happy and grateful and into doing some fun stuff, instead of being all stressed out and overwhelmed. That's how the cycle gets broken, but it takes some GIVE as well as TAKE.
> 
> I personally like to have FUN and do fun and interesting things and break up that same old day to day routine. I can honestly say that I'm NOT a boring person. My kids and husband will be the first ones to say that. I'm other things though.
> 
> I'm just glad that owning a home was never a priority for me. Too many people rush to buy a house and then start a family and never think things through as to how their lives are going to be altered. Unless both parties are on board with the whole child rearing situation then it's not going to work. I feel badly for the kids because in the end they really suffer.


Great post.

Dr. Harley is the one that runs 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

and is the author of _His Needs, Her Needs_ and _Love Busters_.

He is quoted quite often on this forum because of the simple way he breaks down the structure and dynamics of marriage.


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