# Trying to move on



## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

For those that want to catch up, these are the links to my original threads. First http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/30226-dazed-confused.html closely followed by http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/30518-i-think-we-need-talk.html


To spare those dont want to read through all that, quick catch up. Married for 9 years, together for 10. 2 kids (4 and 6). Wife was SAHM until April and went back to work. Got the I love you but not in love with you speech in June and separated. I moved out in July and we split kids 50/50. She needed space, time to figure out what she wanted and figure out who she was besides a wife/mom. Started hanging out with a female friend from work and partied, got a new tattoo etc. No other people involved from either side except my wife started hanging out with all new friends from work and creating a very active social life.

I on the other hand took the time to give her the space and time she craved and worked on improving myself and spending quality time with my kids. Wife did not want to attend counselling or "date" me or work on our issues. At the end of August, wife asks me out to dinner via text message with "I think its time we talked". Got the not in love with you but want to be friends speech and let me know she had filed for divorce that day. Wants the split to be amicable and fair and protect the kids. 

In many ways, it was almost a relief to pick a direction and get out of the limbo state that was a living hell for me. I was sad as I do love this woman but it takes two to make a relationship. Everyone on this site was very supportive and really helped me through some dark times. I met with a lawyer on Friday and reviewed the paperwork that was filed. While what she has filed for is fair and within the state guidelines, due to the cost of my kids school it inflates the child support calculation to the point that at the end of every month, my wife will take home after taxes etc about *48%* more than I will. Since discovering that, I have now fallen back down a dark spiral worrying that I wont be able to do things with my kids and barely will keep enough to live a spartan existence. 

How is this fair? How can a state calculator screw me so badly that I will barely keep my head above water and my STBXW who gave up on us gets a huge raise at my expense? We are splitting the kids 50/50 so how is this fair?

I havent posted on here since I figured this out and noticed that when I stopped posting that I have felt worse. The feedback and support everyone on here has provided has been helpful. I dont know if anyone has read this far but I will use this new thread to try keep my sanity and post updates to help me try to move on in my new version of my life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SOD she is the one who left the marriage, and spessentially kicked you out of the family. Why is she getting so much? If you have the kids 50/50 then why would you be giving he so much money?

It sounds like your letting her leave the marriage and take you to the cleaners, all the while she is asking you to be nice to her.

Maybe you need a different lawyer or strategy for deal with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Just remind yourself it won't be forever, and your children will always know that you were there to provide for them. Stay connected as to always have your presence count.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I hear you. I'm in a similiar situation, but my wife is still looking for work and trying to get out of the house. Keep in mind that with a settlement, you and your wife agree. Obviously, consult your attorney and look for options in your state. If it is 50/50 and both of you are working, then you should be able to come up with some kind of agreement. You shouldn't have to live a spartan lifestyle and she shouldn't want you to either. Especially, if this is truely amicable. In an ideal world both parties should be able to live a lifestyle like they had before the divorce. I'm not saying that happens, but that is what both want. Comprimise is going to have to come from both sides to get this settled. She's thrown out her high offer. Now it is time for you to counter. 

Emotionally, I'm sure this has inflicted untold harm. It is crushing to see all of your life radically changed due to their selfish choice. I was driving back home this weekend after visiting family and the only thing that kept running through my mind was "Where was my choice in all of this?", "How do I have any control?" This decision to end a life together and forge their own path is made with little real thought to the impact on those who want that life. It is frightening and enraging to consider. Do yourself a favor in this and put yourself and the kids first. Many men, myself included, tend to put our wives first, that is just going to hurt you more in the long run.

I would offer that if you aren't already at the bottom, you are very close. So you just need to look up. Thinking about the alternatives is what gets us in trouble. We have to accept that this is the best possible outcome, otherwise something else would have happened. You can't hope for a different present, but you can create a better future. My thoughts are with you.

GearHead


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Sod,

You are right it is nice to have direction sometimes even though it may not be what we hope for...I was in limbo land for a year...back and forth, her telling me she wants to stay,sell the house,having a EA for the entire year,having a PA,saying shes leaving,saying the real her is back,not respecting me or our marriage...it gets quite old....

MAke sure you ask your attorney all those questions...If he/she is doing what you pay them for.... everything should come out fair (I would hope) Some states have some very strange laws regarding support...even though it may not be right they do things that seem very unfair... Keep your head up...


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

It sucks! It takes 2 to fall in love but only 1 to turn it all upside down. Hang in there, I'm only on my 3rd day of seperation, I wish I was 2 or 3 months down the road with a little more clear thoughts. Hang in there, child support sucks. Especially if its 50/50. And her money is Tax Free!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Dont get me wrong, I have no issue with child support and I will happily pay to ensure my kids dont suffer. My issue is that when you add in that with spousal support and me taking 50% of the debt she created, its like she wins the lottery and I get to live in a small apartment and struggle to make ends meet.

Of course, I discover this on the Friday of a holiday weekend and will have a whole host of questions for my lawyer on Tuesday. It just sucks that you just keep getting kicked when its out of your control. I wouldnt be as mad about it if we were coming out equal monthly but this is a joke (a really bad one).


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Sod said:


> Dont get me wrong, I have no issue with child support and I will happily pay to ensure my kids dont suffer. My issue is that when you add in that with spousal support and me taking 50% of the debt she created, its like she wins the lottery and I get to live in a small apartment and struggle to make ends meet.
> 
> Of course, I discover this on the Friday of a holiday weekend and will have a whole host of questions for my lawyer on Tuesday. It just sucks that you just keep getting kicked when its out of your control. I wouldnt be as mad about it if we were coming out equal monthly but this is a joke (a really bad one).


Sod, One thing to ask your lawyer about is does the 50/50 custody have any affect on either the child support or spousal support. In my state, the calculater makes adjustments to the child support when the number of overnights exceeds 30%. So in my case I would have to pay 79% of the basic child support if I only had my kids 30% of the time or less. If I get 50/50, then my percentage is adjusted down by the difference, so I would only pay 59% of the basic number. Also, the calculator makes adjustments for the parent paying healthcare costs and any childcare expenses. Hope that makes sense. I'm going through all this effing financial crap now trying to see where I'm gonna come out and if I too can afford to live somewhere other than a cardboard box on the street!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

The amount does take into consideration the amount of time each kid spends with each parent and moves up/down as it changes. I will review my options with my lawyer today and see what we can do. Its funny that last week I was worried that I wasnt feeling anything more than just a little sad when my wife filed for divorce. Boy has that changed 

Since I have started posting again in the new thread and responding to a couple of others, my anger has returned. At least its starting to make me feel better. This board has been extremely helpful to me in working through this and the support I have gotten or clear feedback is really helping me get through this. Thank you all!! I remember when my wife joined an online support forum when she was dealing with post-partum depression she said it really helped her through it. I could never understand how but now I do.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Wife just called me to let me know she read the temp orders and doesnt see where I have an issue. She still says all she wants is whats fair but doesnt understand where I pointed out why it makes sense to stay with the current agreement until the divorce is final. At that point I lost it and pretty much shouted into the phone if this was her version of amicable then we have bigger issues.

I shouldnt have gotten mad but I wont keep taking these punches. If she wants a war, she will get it and I will go down swinging


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Yeah, I'm going through all of those troubling calculations as well. Sexual discrimination is illegal, except in divorce where it is the precedent. Maybe we need a betrayed husband lobbyist to try to make things more equitable. She cheats, she loses alimony. That would seem to be fair to me. But I'm just a betrayed husband. Having a penis going into divorce settlements sure puts us at a disadvantage.

I know in TN, alimony is usually a temporary measure. Maybe look at it in your state. Maybe the alimony portion can be limited to a period of a year or two. If your wife makes approximately the same amount of money, the child support should be minimal. In my case, and I suspect yours from what you have said, I make more money. Therefore, I pay more child support.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

So it appears that I can no longer talk to my wife. She wont listen to reason on anything so I guess its through lawyers we go. I have devised an offer to pay upfront a percentage of the alimony so negate it long term which gives me a full tax deduction this year and gets the monthly net in line. Its amazing that I get punished for making more money than her and I get to pay for it for a third of the length of our marriage.

I have been riled up ever since and truly havent been this mad in years. I am well beyond sadness now and I hope it stays this way when this rage goes away


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Keep your cool!!!! This is called "Divorce Theft". You need to be aggresive with your attorney and don't be affraid of a second opionion.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I had another talk with my stbxw last night (she called me) and we started talking through splitting assets. It remained mostly cordial until she brought up the earlier conversation which saw us spiral backwards again. My attorney will do everything to protect me and has advised me of my options.

At this stage, my opinion is that she cant remain calm enough to negotiate with me. Her fear is that due to the fact that I am in the financial industry and am really good with numbers and finances that I will screw her. So I guess that means I will negotiate directly with her lawyer and then have my attorney review. Its crazy to do that as it will only drive up her costs but thats her choice. I am more than confident in being able to resolve this fairly with both parties but lets see how reasonable she wants to be


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well glad your remaining calm. Keep your head on lvl just like your doing and you will come out fine. I dont understand it either women decide to cheat and leave a marriage but the men wind up having to pay for it.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

CleanStart78 said:


> In the end the lawyers will win, and we all lose, especially my daughter.. sigh..


That's perhaps the biggest thing I don't understand in this process. Why can't they see that they have already hurt everyone enough with their affair? Why can't they see that fighting over all of this only hurts their kids and makes the lawyers rich?

Hang in there. We will all get through this soon enough. Even though the amount will not be large for a while, when this is said and done, you will have YOUR money and YOUR time. It's been so long for me that everything I made was OUR money that any little dime that survives the alimony gauntlet will be appreciated. If I get $100 per month of MY money, that will be an improvement over the past 13 years. Maybe you can look at it that way.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Well, and then you actually "get" divorced.
In my circumstances, it was final without a hitch, and everything was signed.

Now I am out and about, looking at houses for sale, my "new" place, that is supposed to stand for my "freedom" from the "betrayer". But it doesnt really feel that free at all. It is and remains awash with a sense of extreme loss, fear of lonliness, replaying the "whys" and what-ifs as if you are still in your very first week after discovery day. I can only hope it starts to feel better, as even some of the most beautiful homes feel more "empty" than I expected. 

One would think I would be excited or looking forward to it. 
It is in a way its own little crazy limbo-land, until you get accustomed to it, and are able to remember what it was like to be single and on your own and not obligated to anyone else and completely totally self -reliant after NOT having been for sixteen years.

I certainly of course dont want to stay with the ex in the old house.
But something initially feels missing in the "happiness" department, while locating and finding houses to make an offer on and move into. Walking around the rooms, looking at the backyard, looking at the kitchen. You see, all the dreams of family and raising children and traditions and watching the kids go from crawling around on the floor in diapers into their first day of fourth grade,,,, were supposed to happen at that OLD house. goddammit that was the house this was all supposed to happen in, together, growing old together, watching our child get bigger and turn into an adult, IT was supposed to officially be the "safe-Home-Front" to come home to whenever. Now its a shell of a broken family, destroyed by what-the-hell-ever you can come up with happened on my side an on hers. I cant replace that dream, can i?
And the emptiness of the new house feels like a cheap bondo patch job over a rusting fender. 

Maybe its the whole reason for it all, that sort of clouds what goodness could be felt about moving on and getting my own place.

It certainly feels like being given the boot all over again. Here, you found a great house, want to move in, have to move in, have to move quickly, being at the old marital home with the ex is driving you nuts and revealing new ways to hurt you deeply. 
As if a piece of paper signed by a judge would suddenly remove the film from the windows and reveal a bright day outside. 
But it doesnt.

The little frustrations with moving out are compounded and inflamed. "Problems" that hinder your ability to obtain a house means that you must stay in the old place even longer, suffer more, but then again, the thought of being "on your own" out there brings with it a whole slew of worries and removal of all comfort.

You have to get out of your comfort zone, to go find a place that has no comfort zone established, so you end up feeling like youre on a road somewhere lost.

And it sux.

I'm sorry, I was doing a lot better yesterday.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> It's been so long for me that everything I made was OUR money that any little dime that survives the alimony gauntlet will be appreciated. If I get $100 per month of MY money, that will be an improvement over the past 13 years. Maybe you can look at it that way.


Thats so true. When I look back at how much money my stbxw wasted on stuff we didnt need its mindblowing. Last year alone she spent $30,000 at department stores so either way this will shock her system. I truly wish I could waive the 60 day waiting period and just get this over with already.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Shoo-
Amen brother. Well said. Choked me up reading that as that is how I'm feeling inside. Hang in there. There has got to be a shining light at the end of all this misery.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Shoo - Hang in there. I am not as far along as you but I am out of the house already heading down the D-Train. I can imagine what you are going through but keep your head up. You will find a place where you wont get exposed to toxic influences and build yourself up again.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Another day forward and still hanging in there. My anger is slowly subsiding since I have spoken with attorney and finally gotten some straight answers about the impacts. I need to send some docs to her attorney to acknowledge receipt of petition for divorce to avoid being served. He told me I had until today to return it and have been holding it until late today to send just because I can (its all done as of last week).


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Got several calls tonight as apparently my wife is shocked that I am not just rolling over and taking whatever she throws at me. I tried to reason with her before that the filing she put into the court system has me paying temporary support (kid and alimony) which I now need to comply with. I explained that this would replace any arrangement we had when we separated but she failed to connect the dots.

She is not happy now that my lawyer had to reach out to hers and get this fixed and explain to her that she is now responsible for her bills and I wont cover everything for her anymore as the court agreement should take care of it all.

She apparently doesnt agree and is pretty ticked off. Well, next round of reality check for you STBXW as you are the one who gave up on us and filed without trying anything. I am not being unfair but she disagrees. Oh well


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

One more item I neglected to mention. After hanging up the phone from her latest barrage, she calls me back to tell me that my daughter (6) spontaneously said without being prompted that my sister is mean to her, lies to her and make the kids feel uncomfortable. She had 4 other adults in the house that heard it so she is not making it up.

I moved into an apartment with my sister to ensure the kids could have a bedroom when I moved out and she is always nice to them and they love her. Wife of course said that if thats the case, would I be opposed to her keeping the kids more often to which I replied absolutely not. I will not use the kids as weapons and I will talk with my daughter tonight about her "concerns" but I will not do less than 50/50 with my kids.

Not even an hour later, phone rings again and this time its both my kids crying that they miss me and want to be with me. I try to keep a brave face and calm them down over the phone promising them that they will see me on Friday and we will have some fun this weekend. I encouraged them to enjoy their time with Mommy and I would see them soon. After the kids hand the phone back to Mom, I asked if the kids were ok now and she just says to me "I'm F%$^ing great, my kids dont want to be with me". OK.......not what I asked but fine.

Its killing me what these kids are going through because our marriage has been destroyed by this woman. As much as we try to protect them it doesnt change the fact that because my wife wants a divorce (and payday apparently) that no matter what happens to our relationship, our kids will suffer. This SUCKS!!!!!


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

find out who she's cheating with and use that to destroy her and her F-buddy.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Got the paperwork today from the payment processing center that requires me to pay the temp orders effective the 15th of this month. Seeing as I am working to correct what my wifes idiot lawyer entered and make it right, I didnt really appreciate the court letter that stated if I didnt pay then I could go to jail. NICE!!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Wow SOD im sorry to hear all this. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. I dont know why they try to use the kids but seems to be the norm now.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Even though I am moving towards the divorce and dealing with it, noticed that STBXW deleted the Wedding Album off of Facebook. Not sure why that bothers me but it does. This needs to be over soon


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I know that feeling all too well mine deleted all our photos also. It bothered me as well but hey we can get through it. They are always doing anything they can to get a little jab in and it does not make sense.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> They are always doing anything they can to get a little jab in and it does not make sense.


Dont really understand why. I was willing to work on the marriage but she was the one who gave up on us without a fight. Why would she continue to try to jab? Its probably more her "cleansing" her past so that her new friends dont see our history.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Nope what she is doing is trying to see if she can get to you and whether you will say anything. If she knows that it bothers you or bothering you then she knows she still has some control with you.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

So today I went and completed my county mandated co-parenting class. I wanted to get it out of the way and get it on the court record that I did it first (can help if need be). What a colossal waste of time, how can anyone with half a brain get anything out of this class. Its two hours of my life I will never get back!

Also today I received STBX counter offer on temp orders, not going to happen and pushed back accordingly. Since our blowup on Thursday night she has since called me a few times and have actually had pleasant conversations about the kids and her sick mom. Today she even called me to let me know that she gets some discount on a car I like as she knows my lease expires soon. Coincidental that she is being nice to me all of a sudden after I have pushed back hard on her demands and I am sure her lawyer has finally explained to her about accrued payroll accounting like I have been trying to for weeks. She may be finally seeing the reality of her new world


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Just might be SOD good job stand your ground. What a day for me grrr I wont even get into it but hey I got to smile.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Lost - Share and share alike if you want, thats what we are all here for


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't have any advice on divorce, but I can see that staying strong with a smart lawyer is the way to go. Any weakness will be exploited; strength will project determination, confidence, and will make her realize that you will not give in to her demands for unreasonable terms. You need to protect yourself and your children.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I hate to say it but I do agree. Having a solid lawyer willing to fight on your behalf is required to ensure that emotions dont rule the day. I am more than capable to resolve this without one but unfortunately my STBXW has lost all reason when it comes to resolving this amicable. In the end of the day, it will cost more but my kids and I will be protected. Wish I could say she will get what she deserves but we all know that is not true


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Man I dont know where to start. It has just been one of them days. Got to see my SS for a little while and that just brought back memories and made me miss everything and has been messing with me. Grrr I dont see why people throw everything to the side like this.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Today I have to go over to the house to pick up some clothes for the kids and the rest of my clothes for the winter. Realized this is the first time I will have seen my STBXW since she told me she filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. We have had relatively normal (no anger) conversations about the kids and family the last couple of days and no discussions about the lawyers or division of assets since last Thursday so I hope that continues for the short time I am there.

I hope that continues as I am already tired of the fighting. I want this to be over already


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Sod said:


> Even though I am moving towards the divorce and dealing with it, noticed that STBXW deleted the Wedding Album off of Facebook. Not sure why that bothers me but it does. This needs to be over soon


I hear you brother. 

Seeing my STBXW with a new haircut on facebook, and full slap troweled onto her face inviting comments about "how sexy she feels with her new hair" somehow made me more angry towards her than anything else she's pulled on me over the last year. I could have stuck my boot through my monitor. 

It's a trigger to other things. It's a gameplaying excerise to make the point they don't give a crap about you. It's a disusting way to treat any human being, let alone someone you thought actually cared about you. 

Kick her off Facebook. I did mine, and felt much better for it. I know what you mean about getting it wrapped up though. I just want it sorted so I can get on with it and not have to deal with her on a practical level anymore.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Got a message from my lawyer and I think we are close to agreeing on the temp orders. I made a minor concession that they think is a big deal so hopefully it resolves it. Interestingly her lawyer starts pushing to talk overall settlement so it appears she is in a rush to settle everything now. Well, I will definitely use it to my advantage as I already had drafted a settlement offer which I fired off to my attorney for review.

Should be interesting when I head over tonight to our house to pick up a few things. :moon:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Love the emoticon! Didn't know that one was available.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Update on last night. I went over to the house as planned to pick up the rest of my clothes. Wife was surprised at how much weight I have lost (I am down 30lbs) and am back to pre-marriage weight. My kids have apparently also told her that I have started running and going to the gym which I never did during our marriage. She was also very shocked when I said that I'm glad we want to resolve this as I just want this over.

As soon as I get to the house she wants to sit down and talk settlement. So I give her a few details of what I was thinking based on our first conversation on things that she said she wanted and didnt want and apparently all has changed. Definitely she wants everything she can get her hands on regardless of the impact to me and my ability to support the kids. With that, I calmly asked her what happened to change her mind and she now claims she never said that stuff. What she doesnt know is that the original conversation is recorded on my phone and I have it saved 

She wanted to avoid going through lawyers but I guess that wont happen. I knew she would try to pull this stuff so I have been prepared to do everything through attorneys and so away we go. All of this was her call, I offered to do all of it without attorneys but unless she gets 100% of what she wants, she just shuts down and refuses to talk. Oh well, I'm fine with that


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well sorry you all could not work that part out but hey she wanted a war so give her one.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

No major update since yesterday but wanted to keep cataloging how I feel through this process. On the legal front, I told my lawyer to stand down for a while. Up until now, I have always been the one making offers and just keep getting shot down because she thinks its not enough so I told my attorney to wait. I already had told STBXW that she can make a proposal to me as I feel like I am the only one trying to resolve this and she just keeps saying no thinking that I am trying to screw her over. Well, back to you now and you can let me know what you think is fair.

On the emotional side, definitely doing better over the last couple of weeks. Still worried about the kids as they always want to be with me and cry for me when they are with their Mom which I'm sure doesnt go down well but not much I can do about that. I always tell them that both Mommy & Daddy love them and try to encourage them to enjoy their time with Mom as they will see me soon.

As more time has passed I realize that I am just ready for all this to be done so I can move on from the fighting already. Since she filed, any desire I have had to reconcile is completely gone and just want to only deal with her in regards to the kids. She is not the person I married anymore so I guess that makes it easier. That is a sad statement but unfortunately very true. In the meantime, I focus on improving myself and really have no interest in another relationship anytime soon. I continue to lose weight and am feeling really good about myself as my self-confidence has returned after recovering from living in limbo. STBXW noticed that yesterday and I think was a little shocked at how fast those changes occurred in me :smthumbup:


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Sod said:


> As more time has passed I realize that I am just ready for all this to be done so I can move on from the fighting already. Since she filed, any desire I have had to reconcile is completely gone and just want to only deal with her in regards to the kids. She is not the person I married anymore so I guess that makes it easier. That is a sad statement but unfortunately very true. In the meantime, I focus on improving myself and really have no interest in another relationship anytime soon.


Sod- I feel the same way. I'm ready for it to be over, but I need to realize I just got started with the whole process since she was only served on Aug 30th. I fear I have a long, painful road ahead. Also, I've been thinking the exact same thing about my STBXW- that she's not the person I married. I feel deep sorrow for the loss of that person. She has turned herself into someone who is very ugly inside but she can't see it. I mean who would want to be in a relationship with someone who pretends to love, lies all the time, keeps secrets about immoral activity, commits adultery, uses you for financial security, and inflicts emotional trauma that will take years to get over. She's definitely not a good catch anymore.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

My wife filed the same day (August 30th) so we are on the same timeline. You need to focus on you, she is no longer your issue and if she carries that with her for the rest of her life its not your problem anymore. The whole legal process is terrible but unfortunately necessary and as long as you know that it too will end one day. Hang tough, define a new you and protect yourself through it. Long term we will get through it


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Took a day off yesterday from thinking about this stuff and thankfully had no contact with STBXW. Its probably the first "normal" day I have had since June and honestly it felt great to just focus on my job, pick my kids up from school and spend time with them at night. Since I told my lawyer to stand down and wait for her attorney to make a move its like a peaceful calm has broken out.

This weekend will be my first without the kids in a while as I have had them every weekend for the last 3 (switch out due to travel etc) and I plan on using the time to continue the pattern of not thinking about this and have some fun. First up is new clothes as nothing seems to fit me anymore so I have enlisted a friend to help me as I know I have no fashion sense  and she is pretty opinionated on what I should be doing. Either way, looks like a drama free weekend has a shot at happening!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

*thumbs Up* to a drama free weekend


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Made it a through a couple of days without the kids and still drama free. I somehow have been able to disconnect myself from the situation and havent thought or worried about STBXW. Feels good to get away mentally from this stuff as I have beaten myself up for the last couple of months because she wanted the separation and now divorce. The support and focus I have gotten from everyone has helped through some dark times and I am at least now thinking positively about the future.

A friend helped me go shopping yesterday as all of my clothes no longer fit due to my rapid weight loss. My STBXW used to buy my clothes for me as I hated going shopping but weirdly I enjoyed yesterday. My friend has very pointed opinions on my lack of style so she guided me well (I think) to get some clothes that fit and look good on me. It was nice to be in the mall and get noticed by other woman who I have never met and that really helped the self confidence grow. I have no interest in "dating" but it was fun to connect and talk with a woman who is not trying to destroy me for her decisions.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Good to hear SOD. Man just keep it up the going gets easier for sure. I know we will still have slip ups but hey one of the days we will be able to look forward without a thought of our STBX's. Im just ready to get it over with at this point. I need to go get me some more clothes lol.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Sod said:


> Made it a through a couple of days without the kids and still drama free. I somehow have been able to disconnect myself from the situation and havent thought or worried about STBXW. Feels good to get away mentally from this stuff as I have beaten myself up for the last couple of months because she wanted the separation and now divorce. The support and focus I have gotten from everyone has helped through some dark times and I am at least now thinking positively about the future.
> 
> A friend helped me go shopping yesterday as all of my clothes no longer fit due to my rapid weight loss. My STBXW used to buy my clothes for me as I hated going shopping but weirdly I enjoyed yesterday. My friend has very pointed opinions on my lack of style so she guided me well (I think) to get some clothes that fit and look good on me. It was nice to be in the mall and get noticed by other woman who I have never met and that really helped the self confidence grow. I have no interest in "dating" but it was fun to connect and talk with a woman who is not trying to destroy me for her decisions.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I did it!! I managed a drama free weekend free from the mental anguish that I have been putting myself through. I did some thinking about my situation though but I did realize that since limbo ended and my wife filed for divorce, I am feeling more positive about the future. Maybe that means she is right that we actually had grown apart. Could be true I guess.

I recalled the last year or two of the marriage with the intense stress we were going through (my loss of job, relocation, etc) and thought that I didnt really recognize who I had become. I felt like I was always trying to make her happy and in turn become someone who always put his needs behind her and the kids to my own detriment. I know that family comes first and love my wife and kids but somehow I got lost in the mix. With time and some focus, I am finding myself again and liking myself too.

As this progresses towards divorce, its a sad statement to see but maybe this is for the best. I just hope I can keep the positive outlook as we move forward and on.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Probably a stupid question but I need to ask it anyway. My STBXW and I would have had our 9 year anniversary next month. This will come before the divorce is final and was thinking about getting her some flowers. She loves tulips so I was thinking about getting 8 normal colored tulips and one black one to signify the death of the marriage.

Thoughts?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Sod said:


> Probably a stupid question but I need to ask it anyway. My STBXW and I would have had our 9 year anniversary next month. This will come before the divorce is final and was thinking about getting her some flowers. She loves tulips so I was thinking about getting 8 normal colored tulips and one black one to signify the death of the marriage.
> 
> Thoughts?


All black, if any at all - and when I say black - I also mean DEAD tulips.

What is there to celebrate, even an iota for good that ur marriage is coming to an end. I feel like slapping u for saying that, even though u r a fine fella for sure.

Good luck with it!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

:awink: Thats why I said it was a stupid question. Probably wont do anything but thats why I asked.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Every day that goes by I seem to feel better about this situation and seem to be doing okay. Ever since I told my attorney to stand down, the lack of fighting has been a welcome break. I have given the attorney a series of options I am open to considering so that she has room to maneuver when settlement discussions pick up. The ball is now firmly in my STBXW's court.

With "peace" breaking out for now, I have decided that I need some down time and booked a trip to catch up with some old friends down South and spend a few days visiting New Orleans just to have a good time and disconnect from my life for a few days. My attorney knows she needs to validate my sobriety level before getting me to agree with anything while I am away . My STBXW will be taking the kids for the week while I am gone as she owes me for when she took a vacation in Mexico during our separation and I took the kids then. I am torn about this as it will be the longest (1 week) that I have been without the kids since they were born but they are used to me traveling on business once a month for 2-3 days in a week. I know they will be fine but I will miss them.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sounds good, Sod. Rest and relaxation are just what you need now. You will return with a new perspective and clarity.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Getting ready to get out of here and disconnect for a few days. Kids with the STBXW, bags packed and sunshine/alcohol her I come. So ready for a break from all this stuff. Thanks to everyone for your support, I would not be in this place without all the helpful feedback and advice!

:absolut: :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Its been a couple of days since I posted and wanted to provide an update. Keeping this thread and the support of everyone has truly helped me through this painful process and given me an outlet to talk through issues to learn.

I have been away on a mini-vacation for a couple of days now to see some family and friends and enjoy some me time. It has been the best decision I have probably made since my STBXW announced she wanted to separate and then filed for divorce. This is the first true break I have had without the kids since before they were born and being able to disconnect from my life for a few days has been great. I have had time to think about my future and not have to worry about the STBXW, lawyers etc and its been very therapeutic. I miss my kids like crazy and cant wait to see them again but I see the benefit of being able to do this.

One thing that has become clear to me during this time is that I do miss the woman I love and married but she is gone. The one that has replaced her is not the same person and I dont think that if I had a choice for reconciliation with her that I would take it because I dont like the new version very much. How sad is that? How did I miss that much change?

Yesterday I also received a very nice email from my wifes sister telling me how sad her and her family are for what we are going through and they are convinced she is making a stupid mistake. In addition, my STBXW's family have told my wife that she is being greedy and asking for too much from me in the divorce and she needs to be accountable for herself and that she should only expect me to help with the kids as this was her decision. I was shocked to receive that email as I have never been that close to her family as they live in another country but it was very nice to read what they thought of me. No doubt STBXW probably thinks everyone is ganging up on her but its not my issue to help with that anymore.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Vacations are lovely! Glad to hear you are gaining clarity. You are going through the disengagement process. It will be a roller coaster, but as you get further along, you will start to heal and re-build your life.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks, its been good so far and glad I have a few more days. Also didnt know it was called disengagement but I can tell you its much better to have this feeling than the pain I was going through. Really hope it continues


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

One thing that has become clear to me during this time is that I do miss the woman I love and married but she is gone. The one that has replaced her is not the same person and I dont think that if I had a choice for reconciliation with her that I would take it because I dont like the new version very much. How sad is that? How did I miss that much change?
:iagree:



I can totally relate to that statement...My issue is that I still see glimpses of her old self....granted its not very much and I am not totally sure that...... I am looking so hard to see it, that its not even there..I use that as a glimmer of hope and I think I am just setting myself up for disappointment..


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

forever learning said:


> I can totally relate to that statement...My issue is that I still see glimpses of her old self....granted its not very much and I am not totally sure that...... I am looking so hard to see it, that its not even there..I use that as a glimmer of hope and I think I am just setting myself up for disappointment..


Very true! I find myself looking for that person too but I quickly realize that she is not there anymore. 10 years has gone by since we first connected and I know that people change but it still saddens me to see what she is now. No doubt I have changed too but hopefully not like she has. I dont hold on for my wife to reappear as we need to embrace change and move onward and upward (at least that is what I keep telling myself)


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

The trip continues along with feeling good. Yesterday I sent a text to STBXW to find out how the kids were doing as I miss them a lot. After usual back and forth about the kids, she asked how my introduction was going. Of course having no clue what she is talking about I ask what does that mean. Answer: "I thought you brought your new special someone to introduce to your family".

Really? She filed for divorce at the end of August. There is no new anyone and I was shocked that she would even think that I could move on so quickly. Funny to see a touch of jealousy from her but there is no truth to that. Either way, I got a kick out of her paranoia and wont let it ruin my trip. On to New Orleans today for 3 days before heading home!


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Sod said:


> The trip continues along with feeling good. Yesterday I sent a text to STBXW to find out how the kids were doing as I miss them a lot. After usual back and forth about the kids, she asked how my introduction was going. Of course having no clue what she is talking about I ask what does that mean. Answer: "I thought you brought your new special someone to introduce to your family".
> 
> Really? She filed for divorce at the end of August. There is no new anyone and I was shocked that she would even think that I could move on so quickly. Funny to see a touch of jealousy from her but there is no truth to that. Either way, I got a kick out of her paranoia and wont let it ruin my trip. On to New Orleans today for 3 days before heading home!



Mine has done the same to me...right before she left she said..... that I know you and you 'll have someone and move on in no time ...I give you 3 months..... Does she not realize how much I love her ? :scratchhead:

Then the other day she asks if I have a girlfriend...I don't get it.
She tells me she misses me, its really hard, she misses our home and our dogs,etc...... and then I get the court date for divorce in the mail yesterday ...


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

forever learning said:


> Mine has done the same to me...right before she left she said..... that I know you and you 'll have someone and move on in no time ...I give you 3 months..... Does she not realize how much I love her ? :scratchhead:
> 
> Then the other day she asks if I have a girlfriend...I don't get it.
> She tells me she misses me, its really hard, she misses our home and our dogs,etc...... and then I get the court date for divorce in the mail yesterday ...


It is weird dealing with the conflicting messages. We just need to let it slide
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

:iagree:


Time to put the head down and take the first step...

Have fun in NO....that will be a good trip to help take the mind off things


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

In New Orleans now, having a great time and a few too many beverages and STBXW sends me a message to say that she misses me. One more followed to say "Not sure if we will ever get back together but I want you know I love you". WTF!!!! This from the same woman who filed for divorce without giving us a chance and then accused me of having someone special come with me on my trip? Is this her way of trying to ruin my fun?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Sod said:


> In New Orleans now, having a great time and a few too many beverages and STBXW sends me a message to say that she misses me. One more followed to say "Not sure if we will ever get back together but I want you know I love you". WTF!!!! This from the same woman who filed for divorce without giving us a chance and then accused me of having someone special come with me on my trip? Is this her way of trying to ruin my fun?


Sod - I'm seeing Sh*t test written all over this one. Remember the term "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? I think 180's help that to happen. The question about your new love (or GF) was probing too.

Keep the fun up! You deserve this!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Just have fun and dont pay this stuff no attention she is probing to see if she still has something to come back too just in case.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You W might be planting seeds...of hope, doubt, despair, tease, love, etc. One never knows the true intentions of another person. Play the cards you have been dealt and keep moving forward. Even if things turn around you will be in a better position to handle it all and make a successful go at whatever. Until you see a white flag waying from her stay your course and continue to enjoy your vacation...you lucky person you ;o)


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Stay focused and have fun....Mine did it to me last week I fell for it hook line and sinker...haven't heard a peep since...all I got out of it was more misery...


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I was starting to think that the lack of drama I was having was creating a boring thread (which would be a good thing) but that has quickly changed. Since the back and forth with STBXW that I shared yesterday it continued into the night via text. She sent me a message asking if I still want a divorce. Really???? I never wanted one in the first place. Seriously, how crazy is she? As I had had a few too many adult beverages, I didnt respond to that question as my judgement at the time was pretty impaired. She seemed ok with that and tried to call me later to "make sure that I was ok as I sounded pretty drunk earlier". Didnt answer the phone then either. 

I have been living the 180 for a while now and focusing on improving myself and it looks like its finally hit home with her. Of course I wasnt doing it for her but it obviously has had some effect on her. Problem is, I am not sure what to do when the topic comes up again.

I had a great time on Bourbon Street last night and am paying the price for it today  but it was worth it. Couple more nights to go before I head home to reality but this trip has been SOOOOOOO worth it so far.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Sod said:


> I was starting to think that the lack of drama I was having was creating a boring thread (which would be a good thing) but that has quickly changed. Since the back and forth with STBXW that I shared yesterday it continued into the night via text. She sent me a message asking if I still want a divorce. Really???? I never wanted one in the first place. Seriously, how crazy is she? As I had had a few too many adult beverages, I didnt respond to that question as my judgement at the time was pretty impaired. She seemed ok with that and tried to call me later to "make sure that I was ok as I sounded pretty drunk earlier". Didnt answer the phone then either.
> 
> I have been living the 180 for a while now and focusing on improving myself and it looks like its finally hit home with her. Of course I wasnt doing it for her but it obviously has had some effect on her. Problem is, I am not sure what to do when the topic comes up again.
> 
> I had a great time on Bourbon Street last night and am paying the price for it today  but it was worth it. Couple more nights to go before I head home to reality but this trip has been SOOOOOOO worth it so far.


Maybe a reply to her along the lines of.... "Umm. I didn't really want a divorce to begin with... however .... since I've been away, I decided I can't be married to a woman who plays chicken with the emotions of me and our children. Not getting a divorce would mean a lot of heavy lifting on your (her) side"


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Heheheeh Dadof3, that might solve the problem and get her to do all the repair work "Winning"


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Last day in NOLA today and head back to reality tomorrow. An amazing welcome break from my life and dealing with divorce. Still miss my kids like crazy but I needed this. STBXW continued with the texts and said she was sorry for where we are now, not sure if we will get back together but she still loves me etc. Nice timing!! I went out on Bourbon street last night and left my phone behind because I came here to get away from this stuff. It's funny how a month after she files for divorce that reality is starting to hit home. Not even dealing with any of this until I get back tomorrow, need time to sober up! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> Last day in BLOW today and head back to reality tomorrow. An amazing welcome break from my life and dealing with divorce. Still miss my kids like crazy but I needed this. *STBXW continued with the texts and said she was sorry for where we are now, not sure if we will get back together but she still loves me etc*. Nice timing!! I went out on Bourbon street last night and left my phone behind because I came here to get away from this stuff. It's funny how a month after she files for divorce that reality is starting to hit home. Not even dealing with any of this until I get back tomorrow, need time to sober up! ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You haven't posted anything that indicates a response is warranted.

If it's about what time to drop off the kids, then I suppose you must respond with a time.

As for the part in bold, don't go down the rabbit hole. If she pulls that stuff in person just try something like "That's nice, but I don't think I really want to be in a relationship right now" 

Ambivalent is not good enough. She has to be willing to really try.

If she were saying things like, "Maybe we should try dating?", then I'd be more positive, but even then I'd suggest thinking of her like some chick you just met and coming back with something like, "Maybe we should, but do you think you can keep up with me?" <wink>.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Heading back home to reality today. Had a fantastic break from my life and had a lot of fun but its time. Truly embraced all Bourbon Street has to offer during my time there and had way too many adult beverages. I miss my kids and am really looking forward to seeing them tonight when I get home.

Even though I was away trying to get a break from my pending divorce and STBXW, she continued to text me to make sure I was ok and to say sorry, do I still want to get divorced, she misses me and still loves me (she initiated the separation/divorce without giving us a chance to work on our marriage). She called me last night to make sure I made it back to my parents house (in another city) last night as I fly out from here this afternoon. I told her she never answered a question I texted back to her the night before asking what specifically she is sorry for and she said its not something she wants to do over text. Fair enough but why did she start it that way? Couldnt this have waited until I was back in town? Trying to keep an open mind but I guess its back to the drama today.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

The texts, etc. were probably because she realized how much fun you would be having in NO. All that fun might make you realize what you had been missing out on. Then she might not be able to have her backup plan. "I better try to make him think of me while he is there instead of all the beautiful available women running around."

Just my take on it. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I would think if it was my wife at this point. Take care brother. I'm glad you got out and had a great time.

BTW, is there such a thing as "too many adult beverages" when you don't have to drive or be responsible for anything? lol


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> The texts, etc. were probably because she realized how much fun you would be having in NO. All that fun might make you realize what you had been missing out on. Then she might not be able to have her backup plan. "I better try to make him think of me while he is there instead of all the beautiful available women running around."
> 
> Just my take on it. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I would think if it was my wife at this point. Take care brother. I'm glad you got out and had a great time.
> 
> BTW, is there such a thing as "too many adult beverages" when you don't have to drive or be responsible for anything? lol



Believe you me, I wasnt thinking about my wife being around all the party goers and I had a GREAT time. Connected with a couple of woman but wouldnt progress to anything serious as even in my drunken state, I know I am not ready for anything with someone else. Had plenty of opportunity but politely declined. That in turn made some more aggressive but we still had fun without getting physical. :smthumbup:

And to answer the other question - There really isnt a thing as too many adult beverages until you wake up in some random lounge chair at your hotel where I apparently decided to sleep outside on a love seat (hope I was alone) with a raging hangover. Guess I cant party like I used to :rofl:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Sod said:


> Guess I cant party like I used to :rofl:


Yeah, that is one thing that has diminished with age for me too. lol But we make up for it in other areas. :smthumbup: Experience does have its perks.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Well, definitely back to reality with a bang. STBXW called me to make sure I was able to still pick up the kids as my flight in was cutting it close. She had offered to get them from school if I was going to be late but I told her I would be able to get them ontime. I asked her why she never responded to my question about what she was sorry about (the text or saying did I still want a divorce) and she said it was the text and she didnt mean to upset me while I was away. What happened between Sunday and today? Why would she even ask me that question along with all the miss you, love you messages and then suddenly be cold again?

I dont do well with games and I was doing fine and now I am back to anger that she is doing all this. This has just really pissed me off beyond belief


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> Why would she even ask me that question along with all the miss you, love you messages and then suddenly be cold again?
> 
> I dont do well with games and I was doing fine and now I am back to anger that she is doing all this. This has just really pissed me off beyond belief


OK, so you are angry. Fine. But as for the game-playing, you don't have to play. Feelings don't have to lead your actions. Principles can lead your actions. It's alright to have feelings, but it isn't always a good idea to act on them.

I don't want to speculate on why she's on the rollercoaster she's on anymore than I want to speculate why you are on the rollercoaster you are on.

If you don't like rollercoasters, though, get off the ride


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> If you don't like rollercoasters, though, get off the ride



Really wish I could. After two months of limbo and hellish emotions I really felt I was getting to the other side and being positive about the future and a "new" version of my life. Had a great break from everything and then BAM as soon as I get back. 

At least there is just 30 more days to go until the waiting period is over and then as long as we can agree on division of assets this will be over. I am sooooooooo ready to move on from this!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

SOD, I think your W was just testing the waters to see if she still had it. Whether or not she could still pull your emotional strings. I have learned that action speaks louder than any words. Just look at what she has done to move you two closer versus what she has hinted at and therein lies what you should do. I know it hurts to lose what we wanted and have had. But we can do it.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I am done with games. I am done with being nice. I am just DONE!! She wants to torture me for her decisions, not going to happen anymore. Any hint of being considerate for her now is out the window. I had no intention of being her friend after this and I will continue to be civil as it relates to the kids but thats as far I will go.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> I am done with games. I am done with being nice. I am just DONE!! She wants to torture me for her decisions, not going to happen anymore. Any hint of being considerate for her now is out the window. I had no intention of being her friend after this and I will continue to be civil as it relates to the kids but thats as far I will go.


You will know you are perfectly detatched when... you can even flirt with her without it meaning a thing.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> You will know you are perfectly detatched when... you can even flirt with her without it meaning a thing.


Ironically I thought I was there, but that will teach me to put my guard down


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Hang in there, brother. It's funny how that anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. can just sneak right up on you all of a sudden. I've been doing good the past several days. I got home last night to a messy kitchen. All the dishes were done when I left. It ticked me off that she seemed to think I should do the dishes even when I haven't been home in 3 days. The dirty dishes were still there when I left this morning.

We still have a while to go on this rollercoaster, apparently. Keep working on detaching and it will get better. I can't imagine getting to the point of flirting with her, but I guess that may come in time.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Went home from work last night, picked up the kids and I was still seething so decided to go for a long run. Put Pandora on and truly just wore myself out which felt good as I didnt run at all on my vacation (not sober enough). This morning, woke up feeling much better and back to being positive again.

Who knew that I of all people would start to enjoy exercising at the age of 37? I havent really done any since I was in college because I never enjoyed it but it has been really therapeutic for me through this process. Besides, got to lose the weight that I put back on when in New Orleans but I'm still down 30lbs since this began.

Glad the calmer, cooler me is back and I wont let my guard down again. Play your games all you like STBXW, I wont be joining in


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> Who knew that I of all people would start to enjoy exercising at the age of 37? I havent really done any since I was in college because I never enjoyed it but it has been really therapeutic for me through this process. Besides, got to lose the weight that I put back on when in New Orleans but I'm still down 30lbs since this began.
> 
> Glad the calmer, cooler me is back and I wont let my guard down again. Play your games all you like STBXW, I wont be joining in


Weird, ain't it? Gets the enndomorphins flowing, there's the immediate feeling of accomplishment, and over the long-term there are all those positive results that just make you feel more competent about something in your life.

Excercise can be very theraputic


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You sound very healthy...Nawlins must be the spot these days...again ;o) Happy for you.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> You sound very healthy...Nawlins must be the spot these days...again ;o) Happy for you.


Trust me, nothing healthy about N'awlins but what a blast :smthumbup:


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> Trust me, nothing healthy about N'awlins but what a blast :smthumbup:


The French Quarter is just weird, if you ask me. All that walking around drinking huge icey alcoholic drinks and beer out in public just feels wrong to me  

And after you drink too much, then you can stop over at the Casino down by Canal Street and burn a bunch of money.

Good food there though.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

A very interesting couple of days and weekend for me. Started with me coming back from my vacation on Wednesday and getting the kids. Some of you may recall my reaction to getting the text messages from STBXW saying she loves me, misses me and do I still want to get a divorce. Either way, she really didnt want to reconcile but was being melancholy while I was away and she had the kids for a full week. 

On Friday morning, get a frantic phone call from her telling me she is home sick and is really freaking out. I have always been the one person she has reached out to when ill or having a bad day and I calmed her down and promised to go by the house later. I went by about an hour later and sat with her making her feel better, stroking hair etc just like old times. After a while, I left so she could get some sleep.

As I had the kids on Friday night so she could go on a girls night out, I planned on dropping them at the house on Saturday and pick up some of the kids winter clothes. While there, I actually ended up spending the whole day with her drinking on the deck and just talking. We actually ended up agreeing to a reasonable asset/debt settlement early in the day which probably saved a ton of $$$ in attorney fees and then just hung out for the rest of the day. She really noticed the changes in me since we have separated (weight loss, general happy demeanor etc). By the time night fell, I was a little too drunk to drive home so blew off my plans for the night and stayed there but kept on drinking. STBXW offered for me to stay the night vs. driving home drunk so I did. We slept in the same bed for the first time since June and didnt do anything. I got up in the morning, played with the kids for a while, made coffee and hung out for about an hour and then headed to my place.

I realized throughout the day and night that while I still love my wife, its not the same anymore. We have both changed too much since the separation and probably before and I realized that I dont want to reconcile. Up until this point, I think its been the guilt of breaking apart the family for my kids sake that has driven my issues with it but in reality, I think this will be better for us long term. Its taken me two months of limbo hell along with one month since she filed for divorce to realize that. All of this just two days shy of what would have been our 9 year wedding anniversary and together for 10 years. I am shocked but I do hope that these feelings are permanent.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

:smthumbup:A good nights sleep and I still agreeing with what I wrote above.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like detatchment is finally setting in.

That's good if it's true because "feelings" will no longer be driving your actions, and that desperate "reconcilliation at any cost" impulse is not something you want or need to follow, IMO 

Often, I think marriages get into trouble because the people in them need to change, and changing in the marriage just seemed impossible for whatever reason.

Whether or not they reconcile or move on separately, people often wind up in such crises exactly because they need to change for whatever reason.

So... I think you are picking up on how much you've changed, how much more you want out of marriage, and now that the clingy, desperate phase is over... you don't want to settle for crumbs or worse, and that's good.

You will either be divorced soon enough, or your wife will do a heck of a persuasion job, I expect, if she wants to turn this around.

Divorced or not, mind-reading and taking the other person for granted is out for both of you.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> So... I think you are picking up on how much you've changed, how much more you want out of marriage, and now that the clingy, desperate phase is over... you don't want to settle for crumbs or worse, and that's good.
> 
> You will either be divorced soon enough, or your wife will do a heck of a persuasion job, I expect, if she wants to turn this around.
> 
> Divorced or not, mind-reading and taking the other person for granted is out for both of you.


Doubt that we will reconcile as neither of us want to. The clarity I received in my own mind on that was liberating. There is no question that I have learned a lot about myself during this process and certainly lessons learned. I would hope that all my self improvements will put me in a better place in the long run. I accept responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage and I will NEVER repeat those mistakes again. Right now, I'm just enjoying being happy with who I am as a man and father. Very refreshing to feel this after being down for so long.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

"I accept responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage"

For those of us that are having a hard time understanding our contributions to the breakdown of our own marriages, would you care to elaborate on what yours were?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> "I accept responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage"
> 
> For those of us that are having a hard time understanding our contributions to the breakdown of our own marriages, would you care to elaborate on what yours were?


I will try. We honestly did truly just grow apart in our ten years together, I think we turned into friends/co-parents with very little between us. These are just some of the quick things I could share but it probably was a culmination of many things over a period of time. As I said, both my wife and I were to blame for the breakdown but where I see my responsibility in it I would summarize as follows;

- When our kids were born, they consumed our lives and everything we did was centered on them. As we had no family close by we neglected to work on us and our marriage. Not a lack of desire, just didnt make the time.
- Emotional breakdown - At some point I stopped communicating issues and just "went along" with stuff to stop getting into a fight over anything. Overtime, this built up resentment in me and I would shut my wife out emotionally.
- Wife was a SAHM for most of marriage (her choice) and resented me for making her feel like I controlled all the financial decisions. She in turn turned into a shopaholic to punish me. Lose/Lose
- At some point I became almost self loathing about myself (I can see that now) and it would have been tough for anyone to live with someone like that. I was unhappy with who I had become and probably blamed her for that.

It really boiled down to a lack of communication between both of us, no real efforts to work on our marriage without the kids and interpretation of financial controls. Taking some of these in isolation is no big deal but do them all consistently over a 4 year period and it truly builds a wall.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I appreciate the response, Sod.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> - When our kids were born, they consumed our lives and everything we did was centered on them. As we had no family close by we neglected to work on us and our marriage. Not a lack of desire, just didnt make the time.
> 
> ....
> - Emotional breakdown - At some point I stopped communicating issues and just "went along" with stuff to stop getting into a fight over anything. Overtime, this built up resentment in me and I would shut my wife out emotionally.
> ...


Having kids is a strain on a marriage. I would leave it there except to add, it's important for a husband and a wife to make time for each other too.

I still get a sense of enmeshment reading this (I may be wrong):

I shut my wife out _because_ I didn't want to argue.

She had poor self-control when it came to shopping _because_ she resented me handling most of the financial decissions.

On the other hand, this rings true: "I was unhappy... and probably blamed her for that".

It sounds like there is a lot of blaming one another for each others' choices and actions still however.

One of the hardest lessons to learn (and believe me, I have to re-learn myself it occassionally) is that we are responsible for our own choices and actions, and it's too easy to hobble yourself by giving somebody the mythical power to make those choices or affect those actions.

That was a huge breakthough for me. 

No time to work-out daily because I spend too much time waiting for wife to do x first?

Stop waiting for x, go work out. And so on.

Not telling wife how you feel because she will argue? Learn how to express feelings without neccessarily blaming, learn to self validate, and learn that you are entitled to your feelings, but you don't have to act on them: "When you tell me I shouldn't feel angry, you are trying to tell me how to feel. It's how I feel whether or not you agree or even if it isn't completely rationa. I would prefer to discuss this after I take a walk, and we've both had time to calm down".


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I agree with what you are saying but I am not shifting blame. She didnt make me do anything I listed. I chose to do it. Whether I inferred that she triggered something to make me react that way isnt true. All of those items listed (which is not fully exhaustive) are completely, 100%, no doubt my issues. Part of my self improvement was to learn about my inherent deficiencies in communication styles and normal reaction to just shut down to not "rock the boat". It doesnt mean she was wrong to bring up concerns - its my reaction that made it worse.

Like I said, we both are culpable for the breakdown. Life is all about cause and effect, how we choose to deal with that is what makes us unique individuals. I know what my shortcomings were and I absolutely dont blame her for what I did. No one can force me to be who I am not or determine my reaction actions. I have learnt from this and I will continue to learn throughout my life.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> Like I said, we both are culpable for the breakdown. Life is all about cause and effect, how we choose to deal with that is what makes us unique individuals. I know what my shortcomings were and I absolutely dont blame her for what I did. No one can force me to be who I am not or determine my reaction actions. I have learnt from this and I will continue to learn throughout my life.


Well, while you are owning things, try to let her own her shopping addiction.

Nobody shops, over-eats or any of that crap because of somebody else. They do it because they lack self-control.

Being single will give her an opportunity to take responsiblity for her shopping addiction. Kind of hard to blame it on you when you are separated, right?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

She owns it now and has since we separated. She and I really had a good talk this weekend that helped me come to my realization that I dont want to reconcile so its all good. As part of this process we get the benefit of only being accountable to ourselves. She's learned a lot of things (financial responsibility for one) and so have I.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Glad to hear you are doing alot better SOD. Detachment is a good thing Im doing alot better and still have my moments where I miss my ex but I know that it would never work again.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> Glad to hear you are doing alot better SOD. Detachment is a good thing Im doing alot better and still have my moments where I miss my ex but I know that it would never work again.


Great to hear! Well done!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Well, today is the day I have been dreading. Today is our 9 year wedding anniversary (10 years of being together) and our first one apart. I still feel that I dont want to reconcile and am still feeling that divorce is the right option for us but I must admit that I am a little sad. I know its normal to feel this but seeing as over the last couple of days I came to the realization that I dont want to get back together and have been optimistic about the new future for me I really dont want to step backwards.

Hopefully I will reminisce on the good things about our marriage today and tomorrow remember all the positive things about my future. No more steps backward!!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Im sorry you feel like this. I can only imagine how I will feel when our anniversary rolls around. Just keep your head up and know you have a bright future ahead of you just as most of us do. No looking back.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Well, the day was going ok but still a little sad until I got a text from STBXW around 1pm. I quote "Happy would be anniversary  Sad that I got no flowers "

My response......."Happy would be anniversary to you  Sad that I got no flowers either "

Seriously???? We have been separated since June and she filed for divorce last month. WE had a good discussion this weekend, resolved our asset division and I shared with her that I had no desire for reconciliation anymore. We were good and I was happily moving forward. 

Why would I have sent flowers to celebrate a 9 year anniversary of a marriage that will be ending soon and we are apart with no plans to see each other today? One thing, it brightened my mood a ton for some reason so at least that made the day brighter for me. Not really sure why..........


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Reflection to one's soul can be troublesome. I can only imagine she is sitting somewhere bemoaning her decisions. Good love don't come often or easy.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> Well, the day was going ok but still a little sad until I got a text from STBXW around 1pm. I quote "Happy would be anniversary  Sad that I got no flowers "
> 
> My response......."Happy would be anniversary to you  Sad that I got no flowers either "
> 
> ...


Aside from the obvious, "you know there was no question, so you didn't need to respond if you really want to move on" speech...,
do guys usually get flowers as gifts? 

Need to brush up on your flirting skills. There was a chance to practice on your stbx. You're gonna need good flirting skills to be single 

"No flowers? That is strange. You know what else is strange? The florist gave me a tie "

Maybe watch old Carry Grant movies to see how it's done?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Aside from the obvious, "you know there was no question, so you didn't need to responds if you really want to move on" speech...,
> do guys usually get flowers as gifts?
> 
> Need to brush up on your flirting skills. There was a chance to practice on your stbx. You're gonna need good flirting skills to be single


That wasnt flirting, it was poor humor on my part . I know guys dont get flowers but just needled her to show how silly she was being. Nothing malicious intended, just fun (for me) as I dont want to flirt with her. Why would I?

As far as flirting goes, I am comfortable :smthumbup:. During my recent trip I "tested" my flirting/pick up skills and did just fine but always open to new ideas. I have a few tricks up my sleeve for when I am truly ready to seek out relationships but for right now its all about fun.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> That wasnt flirting, it was poor humor on my part . I know guys dont get flowers but just needled her to show how silly she was being. Nothing malicious intended, just fun (for me) as I dont want to flirt with her. Why would I?


Practice. Practice makes perfect. Difficult females are even better practice. 

I don't mean being tawdry. Just playful is fine.

You are a confident, charming, alpha male  Right?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> You are a confident, charming, alpha male  Right?


Absolutely :allhail:


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Survived the anniversary day. I wont lie as it was tough but I am back to feeling more positive again which is good. Most of my thoughts were truly about the good things about our almost 9 year marriage and having the kids with me as a reminder of two of the best outcomes of the marriage helped. Also remembering on who the person I married has become helped too! 

This morning, just woke up and felt back to how I was feeling pre-anniversary. Back to feeling good about myself and my future. Ready for this to be done so I can move on with my life and stop talking to STBXW & Attorneys about divorce, filings etc. Lets keep the good vibes rolling!!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

:smthumbup:


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

New twist last night. STBXW texts me to let me know she may be losing her job. She knew I was out last night but I headed into the parking lot to call to find out what was going on. Basically her company is losing a major part of the business and she thinks that they will cut her loose as her position may no longer be needed. Hmmmmmm............

I’m sorry this could happen to her and it sucks that this is pre-final divorce. What am I expected to do if it happens? I am no longer responsible for her well being, only our kids. :scratchhead:


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I smell a R coming on....... ???


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> I smell a R coming on....... ???


No, no, no, no, *NO!!!*. I dont want to reconcile, I have made too many improvements to go backwards. I like the new me, scratch that.......I *LOVE* the new me and I am not willing to return to what I was. I also couldnt think why this situation would make sense for an R anyway as all it would do is last a short while and I will probably be right back where I was a couple of months ago. No way I want to repeat that. Just hope she is wrong and her job is not in danger


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sod said:


> New twist last night. STBXW texts me to let me know she may be losing her job. She knew I was out last night but I headed into the parking lot to call to find out what was going on. Basically her company is losing a major part of the business and she thinks that they will cut her loose as her position may no longer be needed. Hmmmmmm............
> 
> I’m sorry this could happen to her and it sucks that this is pre-final divorce. What am I expected to do if it happens? *I am no longer responsible for her well being, only our kids. *:scratchhead:



That's correct. She'll find another job. I read some of your old posts, it looked like it was her decision to move on.

Are all the divorce agreement/paperwork signed and locked in place?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I'm sorry, Sod - I meant that SHE might be reversing course and start heading for a R. Not you. I apologize for not clarifying.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Aug - Yes it was her decision to separate and she filed for divorce at the end of August. I have just recently come to the realization that its the best for both of us and am completely ok with heading down that path. We have both changed tremendously and I dont want to be who I was right before we split.

Dadof3 - No apology necessary. My response was more an expression of my reaction if she broached the topic, not a reaction to the question. I had the mental picture of her saying lets do that and thats what came out


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Just be prepared for her 180. That's all I'm sayin'!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Just be prepared for her 180. That's all I'm sayin'!


As long as she is prepared for my 360 :rofl:


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Update on STBXW job front......She seems to think she will be ok after talking with her boss. Basically she found out about the impact from someone in another area and had not received official word but her boss basically told her dont worry, you will be fine. So hopefully thats a bullet dodged.

On the personal side, I have been out for a couple of evenings this week with friends just to have a good time. Definitely more sober than my vacation this time and even though I met some nice women, I realized I am not ready to think about dating yet. I guess when STBXW told me she was going on a date with someone she had met I figured I should try too. Sadly, dont think I am there yet.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> I guess when STBXW told me she was going on a date with someone she had met I figured I should try too. Sadly, dont think I am there yet.


Ehh, shows more integrity to wait until the divorce is final anyway.

But don't let that stop you from honing your classy, witty flirting skills. Those are handy at all times. Ya catch more flies with honey and all of that


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Sod - Tigger there (TimeHeals) trying to teach ya to be Winnie the Pooh with that stuff about honey! LOL

Sorry, couldn't resist!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Sod - Tigger there (TimeHeals) trying to teach ya to be Winnie the Pooh with that stuff about honey! LOL
> 
> Sorry, couldn't resist!


Tiggers dont like honey - YouTube


But seriously, women are often amazingly wonderful, and there's nothing wrong with letting them know when they are wonderful, and nothing wrong with being witty and standing up to them when they're not so wonderful either.

Above all, have a good time and treat others with respect and command respect, but don't get too stuffy


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> But seriously, women are often amazingly wonderful, and there's nothing wrong with letting them know when they are wonderful, and nothing wrong with being witty and standing up to them when they're not so wonderful either.
> 
> Above all, have a good time and treat others with respect and command respect, but don't get too stuffy


Dad of 3 you are on a roll today 

Nothing wrong with having a good time which I did. Went to a new funky bar that opened up in the party area of my city and had a great time with a few friends and met some interesting people as well. Reason I figured that I wasnt ready to date yet was when a woman I had been chatting with/flirting with most of the night asked me out I almost shut down. She was very nice and attractive and I will probably kick myself down the line but I couldnt commit to a date. Happy to hang out and have fun but dont want to give anyone the wrong idea. Ironically, she is a divorce attorney (found that out later) and completely understood when I explained that the divorce isnt final and wouldnt feel comfortable with dating anyone until that is done and dusted.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Another interesting weekend for me as I continue down the healing process. I had spent a little time with STBXW for kid reasons and we continue to get on well with little to no fighting between us anymore. It also hit me that the more time I spend with her, the less that I would want to still be married to her. In talking to her about a few things, it came across to me that she isnt actually over me yet which is strange as she is the one who requested the separation and divorce but thats her issue now, not mine. :smthumbup:

We were even able to joke about some things including some of the weird single people we have met during our time apart. I also was able to flirt with her without it really meaning anything other than just for fun(Yes Timeheals......you were right I admit it). It was nice but I was much happier when I left. In a way, I am sad for her in what she has turned into but I do hope she finds happiness for herself. She is truly lost right now but its not my responsibility to make her feel better or find herself anymore.


I honestly believe that I am over our marriage and ready to move on. Looking back to where I was in the marriage I was truly miserable and didnt like my life or myself. Now, I am truly happier without her in my everyday life and am very happy with the person I am turning back into. If given the chance to rewind everything and go back to the marriage I would probably run away screaming. I ran across a quote that I think is somewhat appropriate for me and very true in so many ways;

*Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted*


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> Another interesting weekend for me as I continue down the healing process. I had spent a little time with STBXW for kid reasons and we continue to get on well with little to no fighting between us anymore. It also hit me that the more time I spend with her, the less that I would want to still be married to her. In talking to her about a few things, it came across to me that she isnt actually over me yet which is strange as she is the one who requested the separation and divorce but thats her issue now, not mine. :smthumbup:
> 
> We were even able to joke about some things including some of the weird single people we have met during our time apart. I also was able to flirt with her without it really meaning anything other than just for fun(Yes Timeheals......you were right I admit it). It was nice but I was much happier when I left. In a way, I am sad for her in what she has turned into but I do hope she finds happiness for herself. She is truly lost right now but its not my responsibility to make her feel better or find herself anymore.
> 
> ...



I'm glad you realize it isn't your responsibility to figure out her life for her.

One thing about when marriages get into this much trouble: there is no _going back_. You have to move forward either separately or finding each other again. You both need to grow, and sometimes it takes a terrible crisis to make that possible.

You were never responsible for her happiness, and she was never responsible for yours. Often in marriages, we get stuck and expect the other to make us happy or blame them for holding us back from finding happiness. It's a sort of co-dependent sense of entitlement that has to go.

Stay positive because no matter what happens, you are going to learn a lot from this experience.

There's an element of excitement about possibilities when you don't know what the future holds (and you never really did), right?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sod, glad to see you're happier.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Stay positive because no matter what happens, you are going to learn a lot from this experience.
> 
> There's an element of excitement about possibilities when you don't know what the future holds (and you never really did), right?


I definitely will stay positive and am very excited by my new future drama free. Definitely been a learning experience and will definitely not repeat the same mistakes. I will be a better person on the other side of this of that I have no doubt!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

So get a call from my attorney today to check in with me as she hasnt heard anything from my STBXW attorney on the settlement offer we agreed to. Basically waiting for confirmation in writing on STBXW verbal agreement to the settlement we negotiated without attorneys so it can be drawn up and signed. Waiting period will be over 10/30 so we could file and be done by the end of this month.

Attorney asks me if I think she is intentionally stalling. Oh crap, dont think so and really hope she doesnt. There is nothing left to do other than draw up the agreement and sign now so why wait?? I hope I was wrong about her not being over me but its too late if she isnt. She may have initiated the separation & filed for divorce but I am so on board now that I would personally write the agreement in blood just to get this done. Please tell me this is not another game!!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Sod said:


> So get a call from my attorney today to check in with me as she hasnt heard anything from my STBXW attorney on the settlement offer we agreed to. Basically waiting for confirmation in writing on STBXW verbal agreement to the settlement we negotiated without attorneys so it can be drawn up and signed. Waiting period will be over 10/30 so we could file and be done by the end of this month.
> 
> Attorney asks me if I think she is intentionally stalling. Oh crap, dont think so and really hope she doesnt. There is nothing left to do other than draw up the agreement and sign now so why wait?? I hope I was wrong about her not being over me but its too late if she isnt. She may have initiated the separation & filed for divorce but I am so on board now that I would personally write the agreement in blood just to get this done. Please tell me this is not another game!!


Divorce is a tough business, and when it is rapidly becoming reality, it's natural for people to have some second thoughts and such.

My marriage was reconciled after three extensions, and the first one happened two days before our lawyers were due to appear in court to make it final.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I knew I should have filed the counter petition for divorce so she couldnt pull her filing. At the time I figured she was so certain that it was just a waste of money (plus I still hoped to reconcile at the time). Again, hope the attorney is wrong and we get this done and dusted.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

call her, ask what's up. what do you have to lose? remind her she wanted this, and you won't have your emotions toyed with.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

i was also reflecting on your 180 - maybe if you called her crying, begging, and whining, she'll change her mind again and finish the divorce.

the irony of changing yourself and changing her mind. imagine that!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> i was also reflecting on your 180 - maybe if you called her crying, begging, and whining, she'll change her mind again and finish the divorce.
> 
> the irony of changing yourself and changing her mind. imagine that!


I like that option better. Here is the plan, I pull up outside her house and break out a boombox/karaoke machine and serenade her as loud as I can. Beg her to take me back, say I want us to be a family again etc etc.

No doubt that the signed agreement will come flying out the door as soon as I hit the second verse. :rofl:


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Update on status of paperwork, still none received. I spoke with STBXW last night and dropped in a comment about how my attorney thinks she is stalling and was wondering if stbxw was trying to reconcile. Knowing my wife like I do I knew that would send her down a spiraling path and she would deny that she was doing that just because someone said the opposite. I just politely reminded her that everything was agreed and all thats left is confirmation from her or her attorney and we can draft and be done by the end of this month.

I know it was poking the bear to do what I did but I just want this over with. Plus it serves as a reminder to her that I dont need to take her bs anymore and its time.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I fear you are feeding the bear Sod!

Its this behavior causing her to relent. You are showing her some b*lls. Stop THAT!

Call her up and grovel, whine, and cry. You should have it done by Monday!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> I fear you are feeding the bear Sod!
> 
> Its this behavior causing her to relent. You are showing her some b*lls. Stop THAT!
> 
> Call her up and grovel, whine, and cry. You should have it done by Monday!


I probably am but I also know how tweak the bear's buttons. Not much of a plan but I am having fun. STBXW knows I have been out on a couple of dates and thats messing with her too. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Update finally. Apparently poking the bear may have worked. I havent spoken with STBXW since that conversation on Saturday and she calls this morning to let me know that her attorney is drafting the settlement that we had discussed and she will be reviewing with him on Monday to get to my attorney. Only took her 3 weeks. Now I wont be holding my breath that she wont want to sneak a couple of things in there that we didnt agree but at least its forward momentum. If there are no games, this can finally all be done on the 31st of this month.

Personally I continue down my happy path, actually went out on a couple of dates in the last week and generally had a good time. Its sad that I had forgotten what it was like to be treated nicely by the opposite sex but again only reinforced that this is the best path. Onward and upward!! :smthumbup:


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Its been about a week since I have provided an update and figured I would share for those interested. No real movement on legal front but STBXW called me from her attorneys office yesterday to clarify what we had agreed to on the asset split. Seeing as I fully documented what we agreed to and all her attorney had to do was type it up I am expecting a few surprises when he finally delivers it to my attorney. In the meantime, our waiting period ends on Monday and STBXW still hasnt taken the state required co-parenting class which I did within a week of her filing. Those are the last two steps to make this divorce final.

Personaly, I am doing great! Continue to enjoy my kids and actually took them away for the weekend last week and had a blast. Dating is going well and while I am not looking for anything serious and being totally upfront about that there are a couple of women who seem to enjoy my company. Its been so long since someone of the opposite sex has treated me nicely I had almost forgotten what it was like. Pretty sure I can say I have detached and moved on but I will wait to declare that as soon as the paperwork is signed and official. Hopefully - that will be soon!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Pulling for you Sod. Glad to hear you are doing great.
I remember how after finding out my wife had been involving herself with another man for months prior, and once the divorce was being talked about and pursued, she always came back at every little instance of contention about how she was not "trying to make this ugly" but I was...
I think it still blows my mind how some people are completely out of touch with reality. Expect this from your stbxw. Expect NOTHING to be secure by promise unless it is on paper. Try to consider areas such as where the kids go to school, and where you two must live in relation to that, and have that down on paper as well. For instance, in abiding by the decree, to live within the desired school district for my child, I had to ask my exwife where she wanted the child to go to school, since she did not like the high school she would eventually attend. She told me, and I began looking and secured a house in that area. Now I am hearing her change her story, (Because she couldnt find an apartment in that school district?) and shes saying that she "never said that" at all...

Of course this impacts the logistics of getting my child to school when I have her during my days of custody. 

I guess the point is, protect yourself, protect your interests, and trust NOTHING that woman says or promises.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks Shoo! Honestly the way this all went down I have been completely on my toes in regards to her. All agreements are in writing or they dont exist. She burned me once early on with something minor and since then every "agreement" is documented and confirmed before putting it into place. At the end of the day, I know what she has become and how she views me (meal ticket) and I will protect myself throughout.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Today would have been the day the divorce could be final but as it stands, I still havent received the documents from her attorney that highlights what STBXW and I agreed. She called me on Friday to let me know that she has the documents but just hasnt had time to review before turning over to me. She claims she is not stalling but seeing as I documented our agreement on October 2nd there is no real reason for it to have taken a month to get to this point.

In addition, she asks if I can take the kids for 10 days in the next week or so as she would like to head back to Europe to see her family as her mother is ill. I say no problem, happy to have the kids and then she proceeds to tell me that she is alone, has no support and needs some time out. This shocked me a little as she had a girls week in Mexico in August and I have had the kids more days than her and I am in the same situation. Also, she filed for divorce without working on us so she should be happy as she got what she wanted plus tremendous financial support from me thanks to the courts. I think her issue really is that I am fully onboard with the divorce now and just want it filed and done. She then proceeds to "invite" me to the house so we can share Thanksgiving with the kids - not sure about that.

My life is officially a dramedy now. I cannot wait to legally be done with all this so she can move on!


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