# Should I tell my hubby I am suffering severe mood disorder not related to him?



## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

I have always suffered what I thought to be bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. A couple times in life (I am only 28), I attempted to do something about it as far as seeking therapy after I had an extreme bout with lashing out at someone or something horrible happening which I caused. 

I married my soulmate over a year ago. We have known each other 14 years. He was the 2nd boy I ever kissed. We have both been through one failed marriage and finally reconnected a year and half ago. I have noticed extreme mood swings and ups and downs since I have gotten married. Literally, every day, sometimes HOURLY my mood will change.

A few months ago I finally went to my general practictioner to talk to him about it. He did a generic test and did say I had the symptoms of bipolar disorder. He prescribed one medication that was 600.00/month and when I said that was way too much, he prescribed another that was still 200.00/month. I could not afford that and with the holidays falling around the same time...I have swept the issue under the rug.

Now, for the past few weeks, I am finding myself suffering severe depression. There are no "high" moments at all. I am a personal trainer. And I have discontinued ALL training with clients, even unfortunately burning some bridges with a few because the way I have up and left. They don't know what I am going through. I think they may see it as "lazy" or I just dont feel like doing it. I know this is serious though because fitness used to be my life. Now, I don't even have the stamina or willpower to workout for myself.

I guess I am really embarrassed by all of it. Why do I have to have bipolar disorder or what is wrong with me that I can't be strong enough to battle off depression? I feel really embarrassed by the illness and don't want him to know. But it has gotten so bad this time that I can't even work or put on a "fake smile" to hide the sadness. But my husband is not the problem. We have a happy marriage so I am not depressed by the marriage at all. 

Should I tell him I am suffering or will he think I am a lunatic for having these mood disorders?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Wouldn't you appreciate your husband coming to you and telling you something like this? Why shouldn't he know?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sounds more like BPD than Bipolar, but I could be wrong. BPD is often misdiagnosed and passed off as Bipolar sometimes too, which is not good, because then it makes it harder for a person to get the treatment they may really need for what illness they really have. 

Anyway, IMO you should tell your husband of your condition. Then let the chips fall where they may. Nothing against you, or anyone else with a mental illness but the reality is, living with someone who has something such as BPD or Bipolar can be really tough on the person on the receiving end of another persons moods or personality changes, and that person has a right to know what they may or may not be dealing with.


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

I completely agree with you Trey. I just feel embarrased and for so long have thought I could battle it off myself without having a documented medical history of it. But holistic methods are a clean diet and exercise and well, being a personal trainer...I obviously have employed both but still feel I suffer immensely from it. My doctor told me had I not been employing a healthy diet and exercise program, I would likely have been much worse.

I just don't even know how to start the conversation with him. I am embarrassed by it and shy to talk about it. And I don't want him feeling as though he is in anyway the cause of it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You owe it to your husband to tell him what you are dealing with. 

For a couple of reasons:

1) If it hasn't already, it will affect your relationship. Him knowing what you are going through will make it easier to deal with things.

2) You need his support. He married you for a reason. He loves you and he will surely help you as best he can.

My wife has some of the traits of a BPD. She won't admit it though (which is typical of BPD). 

You did a courageous thing talking to your doctor and seeking help. Next step is to talk to your husband about it. I wish you well.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Whattodo22 said:


> I completely agree with you Trey. I just feel embarrased and for so long have thought I could battle it off myself without having a documented medical history of it. But holistic methods are a clean diet and exercise and well, being a personal trainer...I obviously have employed both but still feel I suffer immensely from it. My doctor told me had I not been employing a healthy diet and exercise program, I would likely have been much worse.
> 
> I just don't even know how to start the conversation with him. I am embarrassed by it and shy to talk about it. And I don't want him feeling as though he is in anyway the cause of it.


Have you been seeing a therapist? If not, maybe you could start going, getting some help for yourself then have your husband come in and sit in on a session and maybe the therapist could help better explain things to your husband? Would that be an option for you as far as how to tell him? Sometimes its good to have a third party involved in that kind of thing.


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

Should I text him and let him know? I have been in tears all day because I feel last night leading into today has been the WORST I have felt in the past few weeks. I did call my doctor today to get him to call in an rx for depression for me. But I know I really need to get in to see a pyschiatrist.

Back to my question...would it be ok for me to text him while he is at work? I feel like if I just say tonight "Honey I need to talk to you about something..." I am just going to break down and look like a fool. Would it be ok for me to text him and say "I think I need to see a doctor..we can talk more about it tonight." to at least open the door of the discussion?


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

No Trey, I have not received ANY treatment or therapy. Only thing I have done is go to my general doc who wrote two rx's, both which I never took because they were far too expensive. I then decided to try the holistic approach again. Now I realize, what I have is serious and I do need to employ the care of a licensed professional.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,don,t be embarrassed about suffering from this.I am an 
older male,close to 50.Married,wife and 2 adult kids.
You,like me are one of the lucky,but unlucky ones if you can 
understand we have the awareness to see what we suffer from.

I gave up on using meds many years ago as I couldn't find one
that worked with out many side effects.You need to open up to your husband and explain its not him just you and how you
feel.It won't be easy by any means but you need to get back
training yourself and clients as exercise is good and helps
you mind and body.

Oh your not along,I live this daily and I wonder why my brain
works in such a wrong way,but I manage to do what I have to.
What works for me is talking,to someone you can trust to just listen and live each day one by one as it comes.

Also limit my sugar intake has helped my mood swing alot.
Good luck and be thankful of self awarness of how you
are,some people never can see themselves and loss everything.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if it's bipolar disorder there are plenty of generic meds/mood stabilizers that don't cost that much.. I suspect he prescribed something like abilify which is newer and expensive


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Whattodo22 said:


> Should I text him and let him know?


I don't think this is something you need to tell him in a text. This is something you might want to sit down and have a heart to heart with him about. Or you could do the therapist thing like I suggested you could try.


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> if it's bipolar disorder there are plenty of generic meds/mood stabilizers that don't cost that much.. I suspect he prescribed something like abilify which is newer and expensive


YES! Abilify was the first one he prescribed which was 600.00 WITH INSURANCE. The second was I believe Seroquel (could be wrong) which was still 200.00/month with insurance.


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

trey69 said:


> I don't think this is something you need to tell him in a text. This is something you might want to sit down and have a heart to heart with him about. Or you could do the therapist thing like I suggested you could try.


Thanks Trey, but he will ask why I am going to see the therapist. And if I keep that from him, he will see the insurance EOBs coming in, etc. I think he suspects something is up already as he has noticed my change lately in quitting fitness training. I have passed it off as "I am burned out on personal training." But really, I am burnt out on LIFE and everything. I find it impossible for me to even do anything around the house. He has been supportive and has said I can just be a stay at home mom. We discussed trying for a baby in the next couple months. But I know mental health is a very important thing to get in check before a pregnancy. It sucks that I have had to suffer this massive depression right before we decided to start trying for a family. I now know we will need to hold off on the pregnancy.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Yes, try to hold off on bringing a baby into this situation right now. Maybe you just need to sit down with him and tell him how you have been feeling lately, and what your regular medical doctor thinks you may have. Then tell him you feel you need to seek some therapy for yourself and you hope that he will eventually come in and sit in on a session with you at some point. Try to help him understand its not his fault and he has done nothing wrong.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Just be honest, with your husband and use him for support.
He probably is wondering why your doing things out of character.

My and kids know i suffer daily from these things and they understand.

Funny but,my wife knows the best free drug I can get is
her and lovemaking regularly helps to level out my moods.
Probably endorphins released in the brain relased during that time.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I know how hard it is but,you need to not stop doing things.
If you do things it will keep your mind going.If I had not
stayed strong over the years my wife and kids would have starved.

Is super hard,but don't give into this hidden devil.BPD AND
Depression.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with Trey that this is not a text kind of message. You don't break life-changing news by text, and this *is* something that's always going to affect your husband's life. I also agree with the people who are telling you that your ability to recognize this is an important step that many people never reach! 

I have a few suggestions for you to to consider. Hopefully I'll hit on one or two that are helpful. 

1. In the U.S., many cities have "sliding scale" clinics where you can receive treatment and the costs are based on what your income is, all the way down to free. In these clinics, they often have the common medications on hand and don't require them to be filled at the pharmacy. The downside is that they sometimes see so many patients that you won't get the in-depth care you would in a private-pay setting, but it'd certainly be better than what you are getting now. Your doctor may know of some sliding fee clinics, but if not, do an internet search for "sliding fee chicago" or whatever city is nearest to you.

2. I'm going to go against the grain and say that the decision to tell your husband or not is one you should think through for a couple of weeks first. It's tough to predict how another person will react to this news, and I don't just mean on the day you tell him. If he's a person who is generally supportive and doesn't see others as weak if they have a problem like alcoholism, diabetes, or a mood disorder, then he might become a valuable sounding board who can help you get through your mood swings. But if he is judgmental of others, then it could very easily turn on you in time. This would not be helpful to your self-esteem at all. 

3. It's great that you're able to recognize that your mood swings are not related to him. When you're going through them, it's important to keep yourself reminded of this, especially when you're feeling hurt or angered by something. Your mood swings can magnify all your feelings, and it takes a lot of mental sorting to figure out what's "his" doing and what isn't, but if you can train yourself to avoid blame whenever you're unhappy, it will be very beneficial to your marriage.

Edited to add: 

I just saw that you have insurance. Sliding fee places probably won't accept you if you do. Why wouldn't you just tell him how you've been feeling and say that you think something "might" be wrong with your moods and that you're going to seek help and try to figure out what it is? Your doc says you have "some signs of" but that doesn't sound like an affirmative diagnosis. As you said yourself, a psychiatrist would be better able to help you.


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Just be honest, with your husband and use him for support.
> He probably is wondering why your doing things out of character.
> 
> My and kids know i suffer daily from these things and they understand.
> ...


Thanks for sharing your story. Truth be, I know certain things would be good for me right now, but I just don't have it in me to perform them. I am 28 and my sex drive is equivalent to an 80 year old. And likewise there is the issue of not working out or eating healthy right now because of my state of mind. It is all just a vicious cycle which only worsens the next factor that is causing my disorder. 

I am going to research pyschiatrists in the area today, since I really have NOTHING else going on because I have dropped all my clients. 

I agree with whoever said it sounds more life BPD then Bipolar. I have done some research this morning and experience MUCH more of the BPD symptoms than Bipolar...which is probably why I am on this forum asking questions. I am afraid of abandoment and think telling my husband I have a mental illness will cause him to leave me. I know most of my thoughts are completely delusional. It just sucks! Thanks everyone for your advice and input.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Whattodo22 said:


> YES! Abilify was the first one he prescribed which was 600.00 WITH INSURANCE. The second was I believe Seroquel (could be wrong) which was still 200.00/month with insurance.



there's literally a 100 meds you could try that are generic and low cost, see him again or see a new doc


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I agree with Trey that this is not a text kind of message. You don't break life-changing news by text, and this *is* something that's always going to affect your husband's life. I also agree with the people who are telling you that your ability to recognize this is an important step that many people never reach!
> 
> I have a few suggestions for you to to consider. Hopefully I'll hit on one or two that are helpful.
> 
> ...


My hubby is an EXTREMELY supportive person. It truly is my delusional thoughts that is causing me to be ashamed and scared to tell him all this. But because I do have some type of mood disorder, I can't control my thought process.

Any advice on starting this conversation? Do I print off a pamplet and say "Hey, I think I may have this...what do you think?" I mean, I am just lost on how to even handle the situation. He knows I went to the doc a few months back but I told him it was because of my "anxiety issues." Not necessarily to be diagnosed with a mood disorder.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You can say, "remember when I went to see the doc about anxiety? There's a possibility that it's something else, so I want to see a psychiatrist to make sure I'm getting the care I need so I can be the best wife and mom I can be."


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Whattodo22,I totally understand and feel your pain.All I can tell
you is I know exactly how your mind floods with to many
thoughts and total nonsense ones.

Stay strong.Better your husband knows this as you can,t hid it from him forever.
In all honesty you shouldn't have a child until you can learn ways to
manage depression and mood swings.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Whattodo22 said:


> I have always suffered what I thought to be bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. A couple times in life (I am only 28), I attempted to do something about it as far as seeking therapy after I had an extreme bout with lashing out at someone or something horrible happening which I caused.
> 
> I married my soulmate over a year ago. We have known each other 14 years. He was the 2nd boy I ever kissed. We have both been through one failed marriage and finally reconnected a year and half ago. I have noticed extreme mood swings and ups and downs since I have gotten married. Literally, every day, sometimes HOURLY my mood will change.
> 
> ...


First of all its very admirable that you recognize these issues unlike some Bipolar or BPD sufferers who will never acknowledge the problem. Having said this yes you tell him and be very honest about it and even accept that he may not want to continue the marriage but ultimately its the right thing to do.


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

I totally agree on the child thing. I am finding it hard to care for myself or our household right now. An infant would definitely be too much to handle.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Whattodo22 said:


> I totally agree on the child thing. I am finding it hard to care for myself or our household right now. An infant would definitely be too much to handle.


There is also a high chance you could pass the disorder on to a child.


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## Whattodo22 (Mar 20, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> There is also a high chance you could pass the disorder on to a child.


Yes, but I don't want to "not have children" because I have a mood disorder. I would like to get it under control and be able to effectively cope with it, and if I do have children with the disorder, I will be able to recognize and help them cope. I certainly don't want to say "No kids because I have a disorder!" That would not be fair to my hub either.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Whattodo22 said:


> Yes, but I don't want to "not have children" because I have a mood disorder. I would like to get it under control and be able to effectively cope with it, and if I do have children with the disorder, I will be able to recognize and help them cope. I certainly don't want to say "No kids because I have a disorder!" That would not be fair to my hub either.


I understand, and I went ahead and had my daughters even though my mother was very mentally ill and there were signs of it in myself. I sometimes wish I hadn't, if I'm to be completely honest. I often feel like their many problems are my fault. But I have no idea what would've happened in my life if I hadn't had them, either.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Whattodo22 said:


> My hubby is an EXTREMELY supportive person. It truly is my delusional thoughts that is causing me to be ashamed and scared to tell him all this. But because I do have some type of mood disorder, I can't control my thought process.
> 
> Any advice on starting this conversation? Do I print off a pamplet and say "Hey, I think I may have this...what do you think?" I mean, I am just lost on how to even handle the situation. He knows I went to the doc a few months back but I told him it was because of my "anxiety issues." Not necessarily to be diagnosed with a mood disorder.


It's wonderful your husband is supportive...because what Kathy said about it coming back to bite you with a more judgmental spouse is very true. 

When you approach him about it, definitely do it when there aren't any distractions and you have plenty of time to talk. Keep in mind his point of view, and try to address concerns he might have..that way you are supporting him in supporting you, if that makes sense. For example, he may be worried about being stressed financially if you aren't able to contribute to the income for a while. He may wonder if you will even be able to help around the house, or if it will all fall on him. He may wonder if it would be acceptable to ask you for any encouragement or support that he needs while you are struggling with this. You'll want to let him know what to expect to the extent you know yourself. 

It sounds like you are able to separate your unreasonable responses from rational ones and that is a very very good sign!!! I don't know much about BPD.. from life experiences I've gleaned much more knowledge about psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and severe bipolar. What you are describing sounds to me like one of those physical/mental slow-motion crashes, where it feels like you get caught randomly in an undertow and just keep getting pulled further and further under. It may or may not be a precursor to something bigger, but the sooner you speak to your husband and a psychologist, the better. (I say psychologist, because personally I believe talking about this and being open about it may reduce enough stress to help you just as much as meds...in any case a good psychologist is more likely to look at a variety of approaches.. just a thought).

I would definitely also advise waiting to have children until this is sorted out. You will be fine. Seems to me you have a very good grip on things.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I understand, and I went ahead and had my daughters even though my mother was very mentally ill and there were signs of it in myself. I sometimes wish I hadn't, if I'm to be completely honest. I often feel like their many problems are my fault. But I have no idea what would've happened in my life if I hadn't had them, either.


Kathy don,t blame yourself.I worry the same thing,but do like 
me support them and show your daughters your love and 
signs of affection.Hugs and tell them you love them.This 
has a big positive effect on them.They will understand,my kids now young adults do.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

((((HUGS)))) I without a doubt am sure I passed on depression to at least 2 of the 3 of my children .One so bad he was on disability for it by age 20.I didn't know back then anything about genetics .Having said that if I did I don't think I wouldn't have chosen to have children.

I mean think about it ?If everyone who knew every genetic pre-dispositions we could pass on NO ONE would be born if that was the only deciding factor.Who among us does not have something that runs in their family that they could possible pass to their offspring and potentially cause suffering?Maybe there are a few I dont know..despite that we are all going to die anyway and are children at the least will have to face that brutal realization .So to be fair no one should have children then.Its actually kind of mean if you think about it...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Whattodo22 said:


> Any advice on starting this conversation? Do I print off a pamplet and say "Hey, I think I may have this...what do you think?" I mean, I am just lost on how to even handle the situation. He knows I went to the doc a few months back but I told him it was because of my "anxiety issues." Not necessarily to be diagnosed with a mood disorder.


I am glad that you are telling your husband. The idea that he has no right to know that his wife has a severe medical condition that is causing her problems at work and the home just boggles my mind.

I do think that is one way to start it. Another is to outline some of the recent events and doctor visits that have led you to today. That now that you see there is a big problem and have some ideas what it is, you needed to share it with him and need his support.

Good luck.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm glad you are telling him too.he sounds like a wonderful guy too so not only with knowledge comes understanding for him but I bet he will be your #1 supporter..

I would just tell him you need to have a serious talk.Then just say it..there is no reason I can see to ***** foot around or tip toe through the tulips and try to put perfume all over it.Like "remember when i went to see the doctor for anxiety? Well the doctor thinks it might be more serious like BP disorder and anxiety is only part of that."

Then let him ask questions and answer them honestly and to the best of your knowledge.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

nevergveup said:


> Kathy don,t blame yourself.I worry the same thing,but do like
> me support them and show your daughters your love and
> signs of affection.Hugs and tell them you love them.This
> has a big positive effect on them.They will understand,my kids now young adults do.


Yep... that's about the way of it, isn't it?


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