# If you were cheated on, and later divorced,



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

did you insist on transparency in the next relationship? How has it worked out? 

I ask because it seems many who stay together insist on transparency after the affair. But if you do not stay together, and move on, it seems natural to want transparency right from the beginning of the next relationship. Thoughts?


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

jld said:


> did you insist on transparency in the next relationship? How has it worked out?
> 
> I ask because it seems many who stay together insist on transparency after the affair. But if you do not stay together, and move on, it seems natural to want transparency right from the beginning of the next relationship. Thoughts?


I don't insist. It's a mutual agreement for both of us. Insisting implies the other person is automagically at fault--this is not the case. My significant other offered this openness as did I. Mutual agreement.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Er, isn't transparency just a completely normal part of any healthy relationship? You don't have much without it.

So yeah, why wouldn't you expect it in another relationship?

I know I've told my new girlfriend everything about me. And I mean everything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not remarried. But if I ever do it again I would only marry someone who felt that transparency is a central part of marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not remarried. But if I ever do it again I would only marry someone who felt that transparency is a central part of marriage.


*cough* Pre-nup!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> *cough* Pre-nup!


Pre-nup? And I'm going to insist that he give me a huge bride's gift. You know like in the old days... maybe a chest full of diamonds, rubies and gold. That should do it. :rofl:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Pre-nup? And I'm going to insist that he give me a huge bride's gift. You know like in the old days... maybe a chest full of diamonds, rubies and gold. That should do it. :rofl:


Didn't those gifts usually move in the other direction? As in from the bride's family to the groom or the groom's family?


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Didn't those gifts usually move in the other direction? As in from the bride's family to the groom or the groom's family?


That's a dowry. That practice was abolished before the practice of bride's gift was common. 

OH GOD I JUST SHOWED MY HISTORY GEEK.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

poida said:


> Er, isn't transparency just a completely normal part of any healthy relationship? You don't have much without it.
> 
> So yeah, why wouldn't you expect it in another relationship?
> 
> I know I've told my new girlfriend everything about me. And I mean everything.


Yes, as far as I'm concerned.

We use each others mobile telephones. Our laptops are password protected but we know the passwords. I can use the wifes tablet if I want.

Our main email address is shared, other email addresses (apart from work) are available to each other. She knows my login for TAM and can check on that, which she does, "no wonder you're tired, you were on TAM till 2 a.m, I've got no sympathy." Obviously transparency in itself is no guarantee as history can be deleted etc but the sheer openness of it is important I think.

About the only privacy we get is when we go for a poo.

I think operating in this way acts as a safeguard, if somebody suddenly changes a password and won't let you know it or suddenly becomes protective of a phone etc it's a red flag which you wouldn't have seen if you had privacy in a relationship.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> That's a dowry. That practice was abolished before the practice of bride's gift was common.
> 
> OH GOD I JUST SHOWED MY HISTORY GEEK.


Ha ha ha ha.




Geek.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

ExH and I divorced after he cheated, and Dear Hubby and I now are transparent. We sit next to each other all day, our computer screens are visible to each other all day, I know all his passwords and he knows all mine, we share a cell phone, etc. 

But more important than that kind of "list of things we must do" is that we are transparent, meaning "let the other person see through to the real you." If I'm really angry, I let him see it. If I'm jealous I let him see it. All the stuff I don't find lovely about me, I let him see it. And all the stuff I'm afraid to share with him I share anyway because that's what transparency is: intimate honesty. 

From what I can tell, he also does the same with me. The really bad thing about have been betrayed and having been a betrayer is that now I don't think I'll ever feel entirely "secure" again. On the good side, that means I'll be ever-vigilant and guard myself! I also will never feel like I can become complacent! On the not-so-good side, I'm not positive it's healthy to never quite stop looking for it. Reality? Yep. But reality bites sometimes.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

jld said:


> did you insist on transparency in the next relationship? How has it worked out?
> 
> I ask because it seems many who stay together insist on transparency after the affair. But if you do not stay together, and move on, it seems natural to want transparency right from the beginning of the next relationship. Thoughts?


Not sure what "transparency" means. If it means having all passwords and no qualms about looking at her accounts, etc., I always had that with my wife. Didn't keep her from cheating, though. If it means being honest with each other, sure, but how do you know if your spouse is being honest?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Just Joe said:


> Not sure what "transparency" means. If it means having all passwords and no qualms about looking at her accounts, etc., I always had that with my wife. Didn't keep her from cheating, though. If it means being honest with each other, sure, but how do you know if your spouse is being honest?


But joe thats the point of 'trust' - that's how you know. You trust means you know deep inside. 

Fact is purely scientifically of course _you never really know_ if someone is being completely honest 

You hope they are - it's the best we can ever get to isn't it

Of course the truth is we are still consistently all surprised at how dishonest people are, people we think we know so well, be they a mum dad sister your own child - all of whom blow the honesty edict into the air on a constant basis as life goes on 

I can count the number of people i have met who i would consider completely honest on a couple of fingers 

I'm not sure complete honesty as part of the human emotional default condition exists


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think the BS goes into the next relationship with both eyes open. He/she should clear on what their boundaries and their partners should be in agreement. Also that transparency (both ways) is a requirement and that there can't be secrets in the relationship; anything less is a deal breaker. This is all part of clear communication and mutual respect which is essential for any relationship.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

What kind of transparency are you talking about?

Relationship history, what they're doing/who they're with, ...

Rebound relationships are common, perhaps in order to get stabilized again and know what you truly want.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

staystrong said:


> What kind of transparency are you talking about?
> 
> Relationship history, what they're doing/who they're with, ...
> 
> Rebound relationships are common, perhaps in order to get stabilized again and know what you truly want.


Basically being an open book to each other. Transparency, as in see through, in every way.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

jld said:


> Basically being an open book to each other. Transparency, as in see through, in every way.


I'm still married, but yes I would insist on transparency in any love relationship. Problem is, the other party could still hide stuff, you would have no way of knowing they were transparent. They might give you passwords to email and tell you where they will be, but they could have other email accounts you don't know about.

I would insist on transparency, but I would realize that transparency has its limitations.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> That's a dowry. That practice was abolished before the practice of bride's gift was common.
> 
> OH GOD I JUST SHOWED MY HISTORY GEEK.


Hmm. I've actually never even heard of the concept of a "bride's gift". Seriously. In which cultures is/was this custom widely practiced?

Hell, doesn't matter really. Mrs. Gus got her gift -- me. :smthumbup:


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

staystrong said:


> What kind of transparency are you talking about?
> 
> Relationship history, what they're doing/who they're with, ...


Yes, all of the above.

When I say new relationship, I'm talking about an exclusive, long term committed relationship, not a short term rebound relationship.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Just Joe said:


> I'm still married, but yes I would insist on transparency in any love relationship. Problem is, the other party could still hide stuff, you would have no way of knowing they were transparent. They might give you passwords to email and tell you where they will be, but they could have other email accounts you don't know about.
> 
> I would insist on transparency, but I would realize that transparency has its limitations.


Well, you can't force it. I suppose, ultimately, you can only give it. 

Like another poster said, you just trust the other person to give it to you, too.


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