# Is it normal to NOT be attracted to your husband?



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I have posted on the infidelity forum, if you want to see more of my marital situation. I am peeling away the layers of my unhappiness, and am working on myself, and he is doing the same. We are making HUGE progress as far as our closeness, and reconnecting. There is a mutual respect, and appreciation for one another that was not there before; however, I have not been attracted to my HB in a VERY long time, if I ever really have.When we first met, I felt the same way, but he was such a wonderful guy, he swept me off my feet with his charm, and I overlooked this. I mean, I kind of always disliked his looks, but there is a part of him that is handsome, and when he is being nice to me and treating me respectfully, I can overlook this. My question is: how many married people are NOT attracted to their spouses, and can you move forward as life partners if this is aspect missing. I want to ad that I am a very fit, attractive woman, and get a lot of attention from men (including my HB) because of that. He is fit, works out, but is not built or anything. Sometimes I think he is a bit funny looking actually. I know this sounds awful and very shallow, but I am trying to work on building a healthy sex life...which we have never had in our 9 years together, and I feel it is futile if I am not physically attracted to him. He is making major changes, and things are going very well in most other areas of our marriage. He has expressed though, that he wants me to initiate more touch,closeness and of course sex, but if I don't feel it, how do I 'fake' that? I don't want to engage in sex if my heart isn't in it. Any thoughts??


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Do you think you can ever be happy in a marriage where you get no sexual fulfillment and have no true feelings of love?

Don't you think it is cruel to him, to have an intense desire for you that you feel zero reciprocation for? 

Eventually he may come to hate you more than he loves you. In the process you will have permanently damaged him. 

I am all for adults making their own choices. But in this case he can ONLY make a sane decision if you print out what you wrote below and let him read it. 





flowergirl77 said:


> I have posted on the infidelity forum, if you want to see more of my marital situation. I am peeling away the layers of my unhappiness, and am working on myself, and he is doing the same. We are making HUGE progress as far as our closeness, and reconnecting. There is a mutual respect, and appreciation for one another that was not there before; however, I have not been attracted to my HB in a VERY long time, if I ever really have.When we first met, I felt the same way, but he was such a wonderful guy, he swept me off my feet with his charm, and I overlooked this. I mean, I kind of always disliked his looks, but there is a part of him that is handsome, and when he is being nice to me and treating me respectfully, I can overlook this. My question is: how many married people are NOT attracted to their spouses, and can you move forward as life partners if this is aspect missing. I want to ad that I am a very fit, attractive woman, and get a lot of attention from men (including my HB) because of that. He is fit, works out, but is not built or anything. Sometimes I think he is a bit funny looking actually. I know this sounds awful and very shallow, but I am trying to work on building a healthy sex life...which we have never had in our 9 years together, and I feel it is futile if I am not physically attracted to him. He is making major changes, and things are going very well in most other areas of our marriage. He has expressed though, that he wants me to initiate more touch,closeness and of course sex, but if I don't feel it, how do I 'fake' that? I don't want to engage in sex if my heart isn't in it. Any thoughts??


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Do you think you can ever be happy in a marriage where you get no sexual fulfillment and have no true feelings of love?
> 
> Don't you think it is cruel to him, to have an intense desire for you that you feel zero reciprocation for?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

its not a great deal different from when one spouse changes their physical appearance for the worse, like gaining excess weight. its possible to love the person but not be attracted to them for intimacy.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I think a lot of people think like flowergirl at some level but don't say it, and I agree with okeydokie, it's easy to still love a person with no attraction, unfortunately the two go hand in hand in a marriage, and I'm living proof..it is not shallow to want to have someone who catches your eye or look for someone who is attractive to the person looking..at the same time one needs to not be selfish and lead the OP on when getting in a R with them...I myself, want to be attracted physically to someone before moving on with them and vice versa, doesn't make me shallow, just my preference..would you buy an ugly painted car because it runs great and gets excellent gas mileage?..maybe some would, but eventually they want a nice looking car...not comparing the two but just saying..in nature, a lot of species go for beauty first...flowergirl, kudos for trying to work on your marriage issue!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

In that case a few things are different:
- the person gaining the weight caused the outcome
- the overweight person has a "choice" if they want to resume their prior sex life

Here there are no choices. Just a raw lack of attraction. I give Flowers props for being honest with us. But the real props come only if she is straight with her H.



okeydokie said:


> its not a great deal different from when one spouse changes their physical appearance for the worse, like gaining excess weight. its possible to love the person but not be attracted to them for intimacy.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Yes, I am trying very hard to put all the bad stuff behind me and work on the here and now that we have...a chance to make things right.Looks are not everything, but they are important. This is just something that is really hard to admit to myself and my husband. I have told him I am not attracted to him and it hurt him, but I also hope it is something I can overcome for the sake of our marriage and children.Thanks for all of your honesty!


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> In that case a few things are different:
> - the person gaining the weight caused the outcome
> - the overweight person has a "choice" if they want to resume their prior sex life
> 
> Here there are no choices. Just a raw lack of attraction. I give Flowers props for being honest with us. But the real props come only if she is straight with her H.


I am not overweight at all..either of us are. Not sure if I miscommunicated that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Flower,
I know you are both fit. I was simply disagreeing with someone else's post on this thread. 

Here's the thing. And I am not being a smart aleck. Maybe you would enjoy it more making love in the dark. 

The real issue here goes WAY past the physical though. My guess is your H does a lot of stuff for you simply to make you happy. Making YOU happy makes HIM happy. 

The same is not quite true in reverse. If it was you would get some pleasure from sex simply from the standpoint of making HIM happy. The statement "I don't see why I should have sex if I don't feel like it" is completely valid. 

I think you may someday here an echo of that if he says "I don't see why I should work so hard to provide you a nice lifestyle, I just don't really feel like it". 

I get the difference between not liking work and not liking sex. I am NOT making a one to one comparison. But work is 40-50 hours a week and sex is "2-3". 

The toughest thing for an attractive woman to come to terms with is all the attention she gets from random males. No question plenty of those men would happily take you to bed. A smaller number would date you. But how many will want you as a "life partner"? That commitment is a giant one for a man and generally guys with good jobs and nice looks have lots of attractive women to choose from. At that point it ceases to be about looks and it is all about everything else. Do you already have kids, how smart you are, are you good with money, are you actually good in bed or just very good looking? How high maintenance are you emotionally? 

My guess - your H has pampered you for 9 years. A new guy is a lot less likely to do that. 












flowergirl77 said:


> I am not overweight at all..either of us are. Not sure if I miscommunicated that.


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## marga88 (Jun 17, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Flower,
> I know you are both fit. I was simply disagreeing with someone else's post on this thread.
> 
> Here's the thing. And I am not being a smart aleck. Maybe you would enjoy it more making love in the dark.
> ...


:iagree: Yes, you really are a genius. A long life partner is more important than just a temporary sexual partner.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

I do not consider my husband particularly attractive either. And since they say you go for someone of the same level of attractiveness (or not) as yourself, then I guess I'm no oil painting either.:rofl:

On a good day, when all is lovely, we are happy and friendly, then it doesnt really matter. 

It's what's inside that counts. :smthumbup:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I don't think this is all that unusual. I would doubt that my wife has ever been attracted to me, in fact if she could be the op. The problem here is not wanting to engage in sex if the "heart" is not into it and "how do I fake that?" Well, if you can't bring yourself to do this in your situation then you are out of luck. Tons of people have no problem touching, being close to and having sex with someone their "heart is not into". If you are not one of those people, or if you can't see yourself ever being one of those people, or you can't see your "heart getting into it" then you're done because I don't think there is another good alternative.

I'm not too worried about the damage to the husband here. This is a big neutral at worst. He's still married and if the op walks out on him, he has at least an even chance for a better life and a ton of sympathetic good will in his pocket.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

As Mem says, start off doing it in the dark. Then do it again, and again. Start to find out what makes you feel good with your other senses, touch, taste, smell... Put the 'visual' part of sex to the back burner and concentrate on having a good time, getting your enjoyment.

Ask him to channel his responses to you, get him to tell you what he likes while you are doing it, again pushing the visual element away.

Discover- if you don't know already- what really turns you on and incorporate that into your sex life.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Flower,
> I know you are both fit. I was simply disagreeing with someone else's post on this thread.
> 
> Here's the thing. And I am not being a smart aleck. Maybe you would enjoy it more making love in the dark.
> ...


Yes you are very right in your perspective. I realize I am lucky to have a man who is committed to growing and working on himself. Our councilor said it is a very rare man who will be willing to read Dr. Phil books and look for ways to become a better person to save his marriage. I see this, and that is why I am still here working on myself, and my issues.. a lot of that is sexual difficulties, so I am exploring ways to get passed that as well. Yes we have 3 children 2 young and one going into high school..so a lot to fight for I know. Thanks for your input.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

DameEdna said:


> I do not consider my husband particularly attractive either. And since they say you go for someone of the same level of attractiveness (or not) as yourself, then I guess I'm no oil painting either.:rofl:
> 
> On a good day, when all is lovely, we are happy and friendly, then it doesnt really matter.
> 
> It's what's inside that counts. :smthumbup:


I have had days where it is flowing and feels good between us, and we have had good times in bed, but they are rare!


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Willow said:


> As Mem says, start off doing it in the dark. Then do it again, and again. Start to find out what makes you feel good with your other senses, touch, taste, smell... Put the 'visual' part of sex to the back burner and concentrate on having a good time, getting your enjoyment.
> 
> Ask him to channel his responses to you, get him to tell you what he likes while you are doing it, again pushing the visual element away.
> 
> Discover- if you don't know already- what really turns you on and incorporate that into your sex life.


Good idea, my HB likes light and to be able to look at me, into my eyes etc...I can't stand this!! So it is even harder to enjoy the feelings as I am too distracted and uncomfortable looking face-to -face while we are 'doing it'. Bye Bye candles LOL.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This needs to be a joint effort. Have you ever sat down and listed all the things about him that:
- turn you on and
- turn you off

This is a good exercise. It isn't about what you like/dislike. It is purely the list of qualities that effect desire. 

Nothing wrong starting with appearance - many of us (myself included) are very visual. Be specific. It is ok to include things he cannot change as well as things he CAN change like how he dresses. Likely there are some key behavioral things that impact you as well. And then - maybe he is too gentle in bed. Maybe he needs to be more dominant or a bit rough. Whatever it is that YOU know might improve things - you need to tell him.

Last night my wife initiated. Lately my drive has been "somewhat absent" which has nothing to do with her. She is hot and fun and .... But last night she initiated and internally I was in "neutral". But I was also confident that if I relaxed she would warm me up and we would have a great time. And that is exactly what happened. 

The question for you is simply - can you teach him how to gradually get you in the mood, when you start out neutral? And can you teach yourself to relax and LET HIM get you from neutral to warm? 






flowergirl77 said:


> I have had days where it is flowing and feels good between us, and we have had good times in bed, but they are rare!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> I have had days where it is flowing and feels good between us, and we have had good times in bed, but they are rare!


That's what I was wondering about, only you don't explain it. I have a really hard time understanding posts that question sexual attraction when nothing is explained. So I wonder a lot of things. To start with:

1) Why are the good times rare?
2) Does your husband please you in bed?
3) In bed, is he the guy you want to make love to if he were better looking?
4) Or are those occasions being so rare the result of you needing more in bed than he provides?

If you answer yes to numbers 2 and 3, then I am awfully confused. If you answer no to numbers 2 and 3, then I understand there being no sexual attraction. You wouldn't be sexually attracted to your dream Andonis if he is crappy in bed. I mean, initially you would want him but as soon as you learn Mr. Perfect doesn't do anything for you, then the attraction wanes as quickly as a balloon deflates. So what is it? Is your husband a good a lover who pleases you, or are you usually left needing? If he is not a good lover, then no antics and no amount of logic is going to help. Tell us what kind of lover your husband is and how you feel about that. Most men can be taught you know.

On the other hand, if you are not aware, if you are not familiar with your body, if you don't know what you need, then he can't be expected to please you. At least not until you turn him on to some books or websites that teach him what to do and how to do it. You might not know, but you can learn together about your G-spot, your A-spot, and exactly how he should perform oral sex. And that's another thing. If he doesn't perform oral sex, tell him to get over himself. You should be doing that for each other. And that's a big part of getting pleasure out of pleasing each other.

My problem understanding you is the fact that a guy doesn't have to look the part of your ideal lover in order to be the ideal lover. I know that for a fact. I've shared my experience several times on these boards about the ugliest guy I ever dated - very much overweight and not good looking AT ALL - and how he was the best lover I ever had. He taught me practically everything I know about my body and loving making. I had zero sexual attraction for him. Even though he blew my mind in bed, I never creamed just by looking at him. I surely did when I thought of our love making though and couldn't keep my hands off him. In that respect, sexual attraction had nothing to do with visual appeal.

So what is the case with you?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What a great post Susan. I agree. The best looking women I dated were not the best lovers. 

I was attracted to my wife from the start. Sure I thought she was pretty. But what really got me was her spirited personality, her wicked sense of humor, and quick banter. And then it turned out she was by far the best lover I ever had and I say this with no shame: She taught me most of what I know about sex and most of what I know about women. 




Susan2010 said:


> That's what I was wondering about, only you don't explain it. I have a really hard time understanding posts that question sexual attraction when nothing is explained. So I wonder a lot of things. To start with:
> 
> 1) Why are the good times rare?
> 2) Does your husband please you in bed?
> ...


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

and I'll never forget one-eyed Maggie:rofl:...seriously, Susan you bring up some valid points, but it works both ways..a man can teach a woman, and get her to discover herself...because if he doesn't:sleeping:


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> That's what I was wondering about, only you don't explain it. I have a really hard time understanding posts that question sexual attraction when nothing is explained. So I wonder a lot of things. To start with:
> 
> 1) Why are the good times rare?
> 2) Does your husband please you in bed?
> ...



Yes he is a giving lover...but sometimes to 'soft' for me. He likes a lot of kissy, touching, eye contact etc, and I don't. I mostly like to be just hot and heavy, get right into it without a lot of foreplay. There are times when, in a certain light he is handsome (his profile) but he has a crooked eye that wanders and sometimes I can't tell if he is looking at me, or over my shoulder LOL. That is one thing, then he has a very receding hairline which I never liked...not balding just too much forehead. He has had this since I met him in his early 20's so it is just a hereditary thing I guess. I don't like a lot of kissing, and touching (I am working through some childhood sexual abuse issues right now that are likely related to this aversion) but I have always liked my personal space.I have had a very low sex drive, and difficulties in that area since my first boyfriend in my teens, so that is another issue. If the desire isn't there to begin with, that just ads to this problem of feeling attracted to the person I am with. Most of the time, I am completely void of 'horniness' and have no interest in sex. I don't know if this is more of a clear picture or not..sometimes we have really good sex, but I have a hard time getting into it, and I find my mind wandering to someone else (right now the OM that I had an EA with) so I am not truly present with him. I feel bad for this, but it is how it is. We are working through things, both going to counselling, reading books etc. and he is making lots of changes too. SO this is just another area that needs work, and has for a long time.I have just been avoiding it.


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

I am in the same sea-sick boat. No emotional or physical connection. I feel dead inside even when I cuddle on the couch with him or hold his hand. Yet I know that contact means so much to him.



Ten_year_hubby said:


> The problem here is not wanting to engage in sex if the "heart" is not into it and "how do I fake that?" Well, if you can't bring yourself to do this in your situation then you are out of luck. Tons of people have no problem touching, being close to and having sex with someone their "heart is not into". If you are not one of those people, or if you can't see yourself ever being one of those people, or you can't see your "heart getting into it" then you're done because I don't think there is another good alternative.


I get this. I almost think I could enjoy a "no-strings" hookup more than fooling around with BH. When he stops kissing me and looks into my eyes, I feel like I am lying to him all over again. My heart is just not there.

I have been "spoiled" (please excuse me if this seems heartless) in my EA/PA. There is a deep emotional connection and it only intensifies when we get physical. My memory is full of holes now because the A has taken over and I may still be in the fog, but I don't remember having those feelings for DH when we were intimate.


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

Thanks, Flowergirl, for starting a thread that I think a lot of ppl can connect with. I had an EA too, after not being attracted to my H for many years & forcing myself to have sex to keep the peace. I'm kind of stunned that "Ten Year Hubby would say:

"The problem here is not wanting to engage in sex if the "heart" is not into it and "how do I fake that?" Well, if you can't bring yourself to do this in your situation then you are out of luck. Tons of people have no problem touching, being close to and having sex with someone their "heart is not into". If you are not one of those people, or if you can't see yourself ever being one of those people, or you can't see your "heart getting into it" then you're done because I don't think there is another good alternative."

Are you not supposed to be attracted to your spouse, who you're sleeping with over & over for a lifetime?? I don't get that--I feel like a part of me died every time I made myself be intimate with someone I felt no desire for. What's the difference between that & what a prostitute does? 

I don't have an answer, but I think it's a huge issue for a lot of people. It could well kill my marriage--I'm working on it on my own with a therapist.


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## LoveLife2 (Nov 8, 2010)

Flowergirl! Thanks for posting this! I understand completely. I was sort of pushed into marriage and having kids by religious culture, and then I felt stuck in something I didn't really want. I always thought it shallow to want to find someone I was physically attracted to. I was told that it was not important. Well, I have been married 7 years, and i agree with you-- it is hard to want sex when you don't feel anything for the person. I have had ups and downs emotionally dealing with anxiety,depression, hormonal changes (stay away from birth control pillls... ha ha!), and leaving the religious cult I used to belong to. That took a toll on my emotions, and made sex life difficult too. At the beginning, I hated my husband's nose-- thought it looked funny, I didn't think he was that cute. but I know I have had times this year when he has been the greatest, most handsome guy to me. Those times are rare, but I think the emotional attachment and the relationship we have has made my feelings for him increase. It has taken years though. I recently had an experience where I was physically attracted to an acquaintance. I was almost angry that I couldn't act on it (because I am married), but I wanted to. Given the chance i might have-- just to see what it was like to be close to someone I was attracted to physically. But, as I got to know the friend more, and got to know his personality, those feelings subsided. So, it was a quick physical attraction and after a few months ended. (I am really glad he didn't feel that way about me, or I would have been in trouble). But I understand that it isn't fun at times not wanting to be touched and feeling almost invaded when he wants something. 

A few things that sort of work for me, and i am still trying new things too...

-talk and communicate during sex-- tell him if you don't like it. I am sure he wants to please you and make you feel good. Tell him what you want. 

-if you don't want anything, but don't mind letting him get it, then let him do his thing and be done with it. Sometimes I want the closeness, but not the touching. I don't mind my husband inside me, but sometimes not touching me all over. I have told him that, and he respects that.

-enjoy the times you do want it. Take those moments and have fun!

-I enjoy it more if i have a drink, or if hubby and I watch a quick porn clip together. I know it sounds weird, but it gets me in the mood. It's a new thing we have tried. 

-keep the friendship and emotional relationship working. They way you feel about someone emotionally does affect how you look at them physically. It is not everything, but it adds to it.

-if anyone tells you that you are shallow for wanting to be physically attracted, let it go. They may never have been in your situation...

Thanks again for posting! I thought I was the only one who was going through that, until I found this board.


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