# Stuck between rock and hard place...



## NJC (Feb 20, 2013)

My husband cheated on me and I just found out. I don't know what to do. Here's my story...if you have any advice I would love to hear it!!! 

So my husband and I have only been married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old and just started "trying" for baby number 2 this past month. I'm a stay at home mom going to school full time and he is in the military. 

A couple weeks ago my husband went out with "the guys" from work to one of their houses. One of "the guys" girlfriends was to be the DD (a girl I knew) for them that night. The DD ended up getting drunk and fought with her boyfriend because she found out he had been cheating on her, so my husband and the boyfriend took a cab back to our house where they continued drinking to obliteration. (My 2 year old and I were asleep upstairs, I heard them come in around midnight.) My phone started ringing at 1AM and it was the girlfriend trying to find our house because she needed to talk to her boyfriend. She was drunk and crying. I gave her our address (even though she had been to our house before...she was too drunk to find it) and she took a cab over. I greeted her when she got to our house, and sent her and her bf into a room to hash it out. I went back upstairs to bed. This is where my knowledge of the night ended...

Today he came home from work in a depressed mood. When I asked him what was wrong he told me that he might be in trouble at work for something he did a couple weeks ago. He proceeded to confess that he had cheated on me with his co-worker friend's girlfriend that night. Apparently after the couple hashed it out, (ending with them breaking up) the boyfriend passed out on our couch and my husband and the girlfriend continued drinking in the kitchen. The kitchen was where they ended up hooking up.

He claims they didn't have sex, but he made-out, "fingered her", and she gave him head but he didn't orgasm because he realized mid-BJ what he was doing and freaked out. (Wife and baby sleeping upstairs is a mood killer maybe??) :scratchhead:

The girlfriend took a cab home afterward, so she was gone in the morning when I woke up. My husband drove his coworker home and that was all I knew. My husband found out at work today that the girl told her boyfriend and he took it to their supervisor, who in turn is separating my husband from his work place for a few weeks in hopes that it prevents a hostile workplace. This is the ONLY reason my husband confessed to me about it. Because he knew I was going to find out through his work if he didn't tell me. 

He claims he has only blips of memory of it and he's aplologetic and "doesn't even know why he did it." The girl wont respond to my texts (of course) and all I want to know is her side of the story. 

I hate to be the cliche who accepts the "I was drunk it's not my fault" excuse. I just don't know what to do. It sickens me that he did this in OUR KITCHEN, while his family was sleeping UPSTAIRS and her bf was sleeping in the living room one DOORWAY away. Clearly they weren't being logical. 

I know my husband loves me. I know that he would never have done this if he was sober, but he shouldn't have done it drunk either! I don't know what to do...it's not like I was depriving him of sex...he gets BJ's and sex 6 days a week AND we were TRYING for another BABY when he did this! Any thoughts?? I still love him and I don't want to divorce him, but how do I stay when it's tantmount to saying, "it's okay to cheat, I'm pathetic enough to stay." HELP!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No matter what you need to show you old man how freaking confident you are in letting him go...even when your not.

Waywards can smell weakness so you need to tighten your sh!t up and smile wish him the best and tell him to go.

This tactic is a staement that shows him how confident you are and will make him think twice in what he is about to lose.

Any begging or cry will only make him continue...knowing you ain;t going any were.

make sence?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You must show him you can let him go!

Bad behavior will continue if there are no consequences.

I get it you don't want him to leave...I didn't want my old lady to leave, but I'm telling you, waywards have to see you won't take their crap. You have to be one bad @ss b!tch and make it clear it is unacceptable.


The biggest mistake us loyals make is apoligizing for your wayward spouses infidelity....it ain't your fault for the choice they made......but we have to make it clear that we will not tolorate this bull crap.

Get it? See the additude you must have? you can't nice your way out of this. Its the tough love your must have that shows him the kind of self respect you have and the respect from him that you diserve!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't beg and cry for this man he will screw you in the end. Respect is commanded, not demanded!

If you feel like your going to break down then walk away to get your self together.

Find that inner b!tch and show him the respect you diserve.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

NJC said:


> My husband cheated on me and I just found out. I don't know what to do. Here's my story...if you have any advice I would love to hear it!!!
> 
> So my husband and I have only been married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old and just started "trying" for baby number 2 this past month. I'm a stay at home mom going to school full time and he is in the military.
> 
> ...


I have zero confidence in any of your husband's story. It could be true, but if you read these threads too long (like I have), you learn not to believe anything a cheater says unless it's backed up by proof or actions. What kind of proof do you have that it was only one drunken night?

As far as all of your confidence in how much he loves you and how he wouldn't ever do this if sober, I think you should pull back on that for a while until you find out what's going on. Wishing it doesn't make it so. Find out what you are forgiving before you forgive.

Can you look at your husband's phone to see if he texts her? Can you look at the phone bill to see if he texts/calls her? Check his emails? Does he password protect his stuff so you can't get in it, does he delete his texts? Yeah, I suspect it wasn't just a one-night drunken thing. The fact that the other woman won't talk to you rubs me the wrong way. Makes me think that maybe there's more than just one drunken night. You can probably check it out with a minimum amount of effort, so you might as well.

If it did go down like he said, it didn't have anything to do with you. It had to do with lowered inhibitions, opportunity, and lack of character.

Married men shouldn't be going out and getting "obliterated" - ever. A few drinks is fine, but not obliterated. It leads to bad things.

I don't know how old you are, but when I was in my late teens and early 20s, my friends and I got obliterated from time to time - that's when all the wildest stories are from - it's funny how none of that really wild crazy stuff ever happened when we WEREN'T obliterated. "Obliterated" and "Marriage" and "Parenthood" do not go together. If he continues to go out and get "obliterated," you will continue to have situations like the one you are posting about.

It's not like they got obliterated by accident. They got a designated driver ahead of time, it was a girl you knew for "that night" - does that imply it's a somewhat regular occurrence for them to get a designated driver when they go out?

Say all that you posted is true, and you want to know what consequences he should face. No contact ever again with the other woman. EVER. No more drinking with the guys for a long time, until he can re-build some of your trust.

What could he say or do at this point to make you feel better or to help you re-build trust?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

For starters not another drop of alcohol. Complete transparence. Ask for conseling for yourself. He needs conseling too. Go to a lawyer just so you know your legal rights. You need to protect your child. Stop trying for another child until this issue is settled.

Get tested for std insist he do the same.


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## NJC (Feb 20, 2013)

the guy said:


> No matter what you need to show you old man how freaking confident you are in letting him go...even when your not.
> 
> Waywards can smell weakness so you need to tighten your sh!t up and smile wish him the best and tell him to go.
> 
> ...


I took the news really well...I think I was just in shock. I didn't cry or yell, I'm just really calm and matter-of-fact about it all. (Which I think is freaking him out more...) I'm not begging or anything, but he and I both know I'm completely dependent on him financially, so he knows he has the upper hand... :/


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

NJC said:


> I took the news really well...I think I was just in shock. I didn't cry or yell, I'm just really calm and matter-of-fact about it all. (Which I think is freaking him out more...) I'm not begging or anything, but he and I both know I'm completely dependent on him financially, so he knows he has the upper hand... :/


Unless you are physically disabled, you are able to get a job and take care of yourself. He most likely would pay you alimony and child support so you would still get support, it just might not be the same lifestyle you have now. Let him think that money means nothing to you. If you dont show him you are strong and confident he will not work hard to win you back and thats exactly what he needs to be doing.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Unless you are physically disabled, you are able to get a job and take care of yourself. He most likely would pay you alimony and child support so you would still get support, it just might not be the same lifestyle you have now. Let him think that money means nothing to you. If you dont show him you are strong and confident he will not work hard to win you back and thats exactly what he needs to be doing.


:iagree:

Good advice letdown. Very good advice.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NJC said:


> I took the news really well...I think I was just in shock. I didn't cry or yell, I'm just really calm and matter-of-fact about it all. (Which I think is freaking him out more...) I'm not begging or anything, but he and I both know I'm completely dependent on him financially, so he knows he has the upper hand... :/


We are all "always calm" for some reason thats how it pans out when you have a knife in your back.

You need to prove this upper hand bull crap as other wise, he will pay out the ass in alimoney so don't go there. You must have the mind set that you have the upper hand and can and will phuck him over if he pulls this sh1t again.

Stop showing weakness and dependence...show him confidence and strength....even if you have to fake it for now!

A tactic that shows him you have the self respect to no longer accept/ tolorated this behavior.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was so calm when I confronted my old lady, it made Norman Bates look friendly[ norman bates was a character in Phsyco]


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## NJC (Feb 20, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> I have zero confidence in any of your husband's story. It could be true, but if you read these threads too long (like I have), you learn not to believe anything a cheater says unless it's backed up by proof or actions. What kind of proof do you have that it was only one drunken night?
> 
> As far as all of your confidence in how much he loves you and how he wouldn't ever do this if sober, I think you should pull back on that for a while until you find out what's going on. Wishing it doesn't make it so. Find out what you are forgiving before you forgive.
> 
> ...



I immediately checked all emails/text history online when I found out to see if he deleted anything from his phone (since his phone didn't have anything, not even her number saved in it) and there was no communication between the two. So I guess that's a plus? Doesn't make me feel any better.

As for drinking to oblivion, yeah, he has a problem and everyone including myself has been on him about it. He only drinks once or twice a month, but when he does, he gets completely wasted. He got a DD this time because a couple years ago he had a DUI, so when he does go out he always makes sure he has a DD ahead of time. Though I can count on one hand how many times he's gone "out" to drink in all the time we've been together. He stays home 99% of the time and just has friends come over to drink after our son goes to bed. So I believe this was a 1 time thing...but the fact is that if SHE hadn't told her BF about it, and HE hadn't gone to their command and told them about it, my husband admits that he WOULD NOT HAVE ever told me because he was "so disgusted with himself that it would never happen again" It pisses me off even more that he never would have told me.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Have you tried to contact the other guy? Can you find out what she told him? If that's not possible then maybe you could contact their supervisor. 
Contact an attorney to learn your rights, be prepared. It wouldn't hurt for husband to know you have sought counsel.


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## NJC (Feb 20, 2013)

the guy said:


> I was so calm when I confronted my old lady, it made Norman Bates look friendly[ norman bates was a character in Phsyco]


Haha. Seriously. Perfect description.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I'm not buying his "so disgusted with himself that it would never happen again". All too often those that didn't get caught repeat and escalate the behavior. The truth is he didn't tell you, because he didn't want you to know. You are right to be upset.


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## NJC (Feb 20, 2013)

He keeps pushing me to tell him RIGHT NOW if I'm going to leave or divorce him. He hates to be left "in the dark" about anything so apparently my non-reaction is driving him crazy. He keeps saying things like, "I'll move into the barracks if you want me to." and "I'm worried about my job because I need to still be able to provide for my wife and son even if you do leave me." He's just being very remorseful while being understanding about what I may or may not do...it's bizarre. I haven't given him a response either way, other than telling him I need time to think, so I don't have any answers for him.

The only thing in reference to his cheating that I have been talking to him about is how it is going to effect his work. His command pulled him into a room today to inform him that they are removing him from his ship for the next few weeks to prevent a hostile work environment, but they aren't telling him WHY. He assumes it's because of his cheating with his coworker's GF, because that's the only thing he's ever done, but his command refuses to give him any specific reason for it. I'm wondering if this girl is claiming that he raped her or something...I have no idea. Not good either way, because you can get dishonorably discharged for infidelity in the military. 

I am ex law enforcement (gave up my career after having the baby and when my husband got orders for us to move.) so I'm no push-over and I know I can get a job again if I have to leave him, but still, he knows I am dependent on him to continue raising our son at home while pursuing my degree so I can become a special needs teacher. If I go back to work as an officer, I'll have to pay for childcare, and school will be practically non-existent. Alimony is a no-go unless we've been married for 10 years, which we've only been for 3. Child support will help, but not by much. :/

On a side note: NOT TO WORRY, NOT GOING TO WORK ON BABY #2 ANYTIME SOON.


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## NJC (Feb 20, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> I'm not buying his "so disgusted with himself that it would never happen again". All too often those that didn't get caught repeat and escalate the behavior. The truth is he didn't tell you, because he didn't want you to know. You are right to be upset.


Right?!!! I really can't wrap my brain around the fact that he did this WHILE WE WERE ASLEEP UPSTAIRS and her BF was sleeping on the couch in the next room! WHO DOES THAT???????


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Well since you mentioned it first -I suspect she may have made a rape allegation and he's being investigated - even if he doesn't know it yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, I'll bet that she said it was rape, or her bf (or exbf) did.

If he is being investigated for rape, or whatever the issue is, he should be told. It's wrong for them to refuse to tell him. He might want to go to legal to find out what's going on.

One thing you might want to tell him now, since you are still in the home with him, is that he cannot drink again... or can only have 1-2 drinks on any one day if he's going to stay in the house with you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NJC said:


> Right?!!! I really can't wrap my brain around the fact that he did this WHILE WE WERE ASLEEP UPSTAIRS and her BF was sleeping on the couch in the next room! WHO DOES THAT???????


A person that lacks boundries and throws everything aside for the taboo excitement that is at hand.

Stop trying to figure it out, throw logic out the window when it comes to dealing with waywards. There is an individual flaw that your old man needs to address with IC.....

Besides its cold and rainy so stay warm. Its hard to imagine it was almost 80 degress last Saturday. Hung out at Mission Beach with Mrs. the-guy... it was nice.

My point here is there is hope but you have to change your mind set.....YOU ARE NOT DEPENDENT ON HIM!!!!!!!!!

If your wayward can do the heavy lifting and affair proof his marriage then you just might find that one day you two can enjoy a nice time at the beach with your former wayward spouse. It does happen, but you have to have respect for your self and the tough love that tells him that you will not phuck around if he doesn't address his issues as an individual, affair proof his marriage and make the changes for him self.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Definitely try to stop worrying about the 'being dependent on him' thing. It may be true for the moment, but it's not true of you as a person. You sound like you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself and he will have to take care of his family if you split up.

As for what he's done, I also think you don't have the full truth. What you know is bad enough, but I seriously, seriously doubt it's all there is to know. It's also quite possible that he knows what the investigation is about.

Stay cool, act in control, and try to get the truth out of him.


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