# Letting go of past hurts



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

While I am waiting for H to schedule his doctors' appointments, I am doing my best to fix the problems on my end. Aside from impatience, I have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting. How do I get better at this? Books? Websites? Just a lot of prayer and practice?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I did a lot of work on forgiveness when hubz had an EA but currently I am working on forgiveness for the things that occur in our daily lives that are not dealbreakers but do bother me. I also hate carrying around resentment.

My fear is that forgiving means saying what he has done is "okay" and it doesn't matter that he hurt me. I do think it is easier to forgive transgressions where he hasn't realised what he did or didn't do would hurt. My biggie is when he repeats a behaviour knowing it hurts me - that is what I find hard to let go of.

I'd be interested to see what people suggest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

tobio said:


> currently I am working on forgiveness for the things that occur in our daily lives that are not dealbreakers but do bother me. I also hate carrying around resentment.


This seems like a good way to get practice. Do you say it out loud to yourself? I'm the kind of person that works though things by talking, and I'm finding that thinking about forgiveness isn't getting me too far. I wonder if I said it out loud if that would help. H would probably find this very irritating, he's not one to talk things out.


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## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

When I was struggling with forgiveness in my life, I listened to the song I Forgive You by Rachelle Ferrell. The style may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I found the lyrics healing, especially when listening over and over again. You may also want to turn your attention to times where you have been forgiven. I find that also helps me get perspective. One other thing - ask yourself, what will it take for me to forgive or at least remember without dwelling in hurt or bitterness? Have you gotten closure one way or another? Sometimes, probably more often than not, forgiveness is an ongoing task. And the first step is accepting it as our task.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It took quite a bit of individual counseling for me to learn how to forgive. It's a process where you learn to focus on your own needs, learn what you can and can't control, acceptance, boundaries, codependence, etc. At some point after I was able to see through me I was able to see through others too. I realized people don't get up thinking of ways to hurt me. Hurt people hurt people. Grasping that concept to my soul made me see how little this had to do with with me therefore I could forgive.

Forgetting however is a much harder concept. I will never forget. What has happened to me is part of who I am now and denying that isn't going to happen. I have been hurt by people including my husband and I acknowledge that. I have the right to those hurt feelings.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

tobio said:


> I did a lot of work on forgiveness when hubz had an EA but currently I am working on forgiveness for the things that occur in our daily lives that are not dealbreakers but do bother me. I also hate carrying around resentment.
> 
> My fear is that forgiving means saying what he has done is "okay" and it doesn't matter that he hurt me. I do think it is easier to forgive transgressions where he hasn't realised what he did or didn't do would hurt. My biggie is when he repeats a behaviour knowing it hurts me - that is what I find hard to let go of.
> 
> ...


I have a little different view on forgiveness that has served me very well when it comes to past hurts (of which I've had plenty.) I do not believe you *can* forgive until certain things happen. I've written about this at Forgiveness: Should You?


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

northernlights said:


> While I am waiting for H to schedule his doctors' appointments, I am doing my best to fix the problems on my end. Aside from impatience, I have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting. How do I get better at this? Books? Websites? Just a lot of prayer and practice?


It's much easier to forgive, when you start forgiving yourself for your own failures. No, I'm not saying what the issue is is your fault, but we ALL do things we regret, we make mistakes that cost us things.. 

You have to forgive yourself. Once you can do that, forgiving someone else is ever so much easier.


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