# Trying to R, but ex is hung up on the past...



## Pwrpf01

I don't know what else I can do. I have been giving my all to him for 2 months+ now. And we keep falling into the same rut - he keeps bringing up the past. After we D, we both dated others. Did our own thing, but my ex was always consistent with letting me know he still loved me and wanted our family back. Now I'm back 110% and he is still bringing up the past and comparing what I did to what I'm doing now. Well, how can he get over all the "hurt I've caused him" by dating others (even though he did the same thing!) and I don't bring it up because it's not something that runs thru my head 24/7. You can't let the past decide you're future is my look at it. He even got a text late the other night from one of his "other women". He never replied back. She asked how his Saturday night was going. I wasn't very happy, but I understand that it was beyond his control that SHE contacted him. (or maybe I'm too naive). Anyways, how do they get over that hump of past hurt?? Should he talk to a therapist??


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## MSC71

Therapist would help. You can't change the past. Neither of you. Hopefully he goes and talks to someone . Bringing up the past is not good for the future.


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## harrybrown

Does he know every detail about the EA? Sometimes, if you think how would you feel if he had an EA, this could help you see what he is feeling. Sometimes the hurt can go on for a very long time. But he will need counseling to get over the past. I hope that he does soon for you.


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## cdbaker

Yeah he needs to decide that he is willing to let the past go if he wants to see a fresh start. Both of you went your separate ways and looked out for number one, which naturally means you weren't making those decisions for "number two", and he just has to accept that.

You aren't very clear on what it is that you did in the past to hurt him that he is apparently having difficult with. Is that a reference to your EA (or was it really an A at some point?) prior to informing him that you wanted to split? Or is something else missing?

Either way, it'll be day to day. He'll probably have good days and bad days. He needs to make sure that on the bad days he isn't doing anything that could hurt the R. Examples of that could be him reaching out to an "other woman" during a particularly low moment. During the three years I fought for my marriage while separated, I know I often did that as well, as I would feel a need to know that someone cared, would listen, or desired me when I felt that low or my pain seemed hopeless/unforgiveable.


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## norajane

Where are you guys getting this stuff about affairs? She didn't mention anytihng about an affair. She said they divorced and both dated other people after the divorce. He can't let it go that she dated other people after their divorce even though he did the same thing.

Pwrpf01, maybe this would be a good time for some marriage counseling. I know you're divorced, but an MC can help both of you communicate how you're feeling. He obviously has a lot of anger and hurt that he's still working through. That's fine, as long as you don't become his emotional punching bag. If he wants to reconcile, he has to take some steps toward acceptance of your history and start building this new relationship you two are trying to start.


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## cdbaker

norajane: We're referring to her prior threads in which she admitted at least an EA took place towards the end of the marriage. You can find those threads if you go to her profile, click "statistics" and then "View all new threads posted by..." I think it's fair to assume that news of that hurt her husband, but maybe there was more to the story than just that.


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