# I am tired of feeling kicked in the teeth....



## JoshuaM (Sep 24, 2010)

I have been a Deputy Sheriff, was in the Marine Corps, and I am now a fulltime Fire Fighter....and nothing has ever been as hard on me as the affair my wife had 9 years ago.

Long story short, I am 32, and met my wife when we were 15. We waited 6 years until our wedding night to have sex. We went through some stressful (non affair related) stuff early in our marriage and my wife had a EA/PA with someone we knew through softball. She had cut it off before I found out, and by all accounts the PA happened once. I confronted him and broke his nose. We have been through counseling for years, and honestly are in a better place than we have ever been. We have an amazing 3 year old, and a life that most people would kill to have. 

My problem is I cannot get the idea of her having sex with someone else out of my friggin mind. I know it is unhealthy to think about it, but it happens. I have tried to get closure and it just hasn't happened. Yesterday, I searched for the guy, and contacted him through text. I confirmed this was the same guy, told him who I was and told him that I just needed him to know that I felt like what they both did was so uncool, and that I was trying to forgive him. It was actually a civil conversation, and he seems to he figured out his demons too. 

I found God in 2008, and honestly, if I had seen this guy before that day, I would have absolutely tried my best to kill him without even a second thought. 

Since the affair, my wife has worked harder than I really could have asked to build back trust. Except for the simple doubt from the actual first incident, I am 99.9% sure she would never do it again. I am in a good place personally except for this. He actually tried to email her 3 years ago, and she told me as soon as she got home and allowed me to email him back and basically tell him to vanish or I would make him vanish.

The simple fact that she had sex with him the one time totally trumps all the "save ourselves till marriage" thing and quite honestly, it pisses me off. It really keeps me from totally opening up with her on some levels, and I know that is not healthy. I just want to be able to be intimate with my wife without this popping in my head and snowballing from there...any ideas? I just want to be able to look at my wife without thinking about this crap anymore.

I will say yesterday, I was so wound up from talking with this guy and saying my peace, that I probably ran the fastest I had ever run. Its all in my mind once again this morning, so I am thinking of going running again.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

A couple of questions: 

Is your wife the only sex partner you've ever had? That is, did you save yourself for marriage - and, have you stayed faithful to her (hopefully!)

Second: the trouble you are facing is quite common: its a lack of forgiveness. Until you forgive her, you will still experience the same emotions. Understandable, but hardly fair to her. From what you write, she is doing what she can to be faithful. You mention that you 'found God' - do you read the Bible much? There's a lot in there that could help you - 

for example: Ephesians 5:25-33. Also read the book of Hosea. His wife was a hooker - gave him some troubles there! 

The Ephesians passage talks about how a husband should treat his wife: as Jesus treats the church. A quick look around will show that Christians are not as faithful as Jesus - and yet he does not hold onto anger at our actions. 

Just some quick thoughts...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

JoshuaM said:


> I have been a Deputy Sheriff, was in the Marine Corps, and I am now a fulltime Fire Fighter....and nothing has ever been as hard on me as the affair my wife had 9 years ago.
> 
> Long story short, I am 32, and met my wife when we were 15. We waited 6 years until our wedding night to have sex. We went through some stressful (non affair related) stuff early in our marriage and my wife had a EA/PA with someone we knew through softball. She had cut it off before I found out, and by all accounts the PA happened once. I confronted him and broke his nose. We have been through counseling for years, and honestly are in a better place than we have ever been. We have an amazing 3 year old, and a life that most people would kill to have.
> 
> ...


JoshuaM,
One word? FORGIVE.

Jesus? “Forgive them for they know not what they do". They really don’t mate.

Bob


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Marine, you're not in the habit of dwelling on mistakes, failures, and losses. You're a man of action and all your targets are in front of you. We can't change yesterday and she sure as hell can't change 9 years ago. Continously looking back is a useless, destructive activity. No need to contact this OM. What word is going to convey your displeasure better than your fist in his nose? I'm pretty sure he understands you weren't happy with him. 
There are over 330 million people in the United States and your wife chose you over all of them. She has chosen you each and every day of the past 9 years. She made a mistake; a big one. You said yourself this happened when the marriage was having problems. That means you bear some of the responsibility. Once we conquer an objective, we don't keep bombing it. We hold it, defend it, and rebuild it. We bury our dead respectfully and we immediately turn our attention to caring for the men and women who remain. We don't return to their graves and keep digging them back up. There are other challenges and opportunities to address but if your focus is on your 6, you'll miss them. 
Your wife has been married to a guy who has belonged to three groups which statistically have among the highest divorce rates in the country. I've also been a soldier, a cop, and a firefighter. Living with us isn't Disneyland. But for one mistake (which I'm sure she deeply regrets every day), she has been a good wife. If this painful experience made her reassess and truly value her relationship with you or if it made you pay closer attention to her needs, as bad as it hurt, it was worth it. Everyone makes mistakes. Great people learn and grow from theirs.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Marine, you're not in the habit of dwelling on mistakes, failures, and losses. You're a man of action and all your targets are in front of you. We can't change yesterday and she sure as hell can't change 9 years ago. Continously looking back is a useless, destructive activity. No need to contact this OM. What word is going to convey your displeasure better than your fist in his nose? I'm pretty sure he understands you weren't happy with him.
> There are over 330 million people in the United States and your wife chose you over all of them. She has chosen you each and every day of the past 9 years. She made a mistake; a big one. You said yourself this happened when the marriage was having problems. That means you bear some of the responsibility. Once we conquer an objective, we don't keep bombing it. We hold it, defend it, and rebuild it. We bury our dead respectfully and we immediately turn our attention to caring for the men and women who remain. We don't return to their graves and keep digging them back up. There are other challenges and opportunities to address but if your focus is on your 6, you'll miss them.
> Your wife has been married to a guy who has belonged to three groups which statistically have among the highest divorce rates in the country. I've also been a soldier, a cop, and a firefighter. Living with us isn't Disneyland. But for one mistake (which I'm sure she deeply regrets every day), she has been a good wife. If this painful experience made her reassess and truly value her relationship with you or if it made you pay closer attention to her needs, as bad as it hurt, it was worth it. Everyone makes mistakes. Great people learn and grow from theirs.


Maybe his real problem hasn't come out yet. I think his real problem is very private and perhaps he should could confide in a counsellor, priest or therapist.

Bob


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## JoshuaM (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks for all of the responses. Yes, she was/is my first and only partner. Maybe it is a pride thing, it just burns my ass we saved ourselves etc, and that got crapped on. I am probably putting too much value on that fact.

We were having some stressful job changes, I knew something was off, begged her to talk to me before the affair, and then found out after being away for a few weeks with the military. I put a logger on the computer, came home and saw the messages back and forth. In the messages, she cut it off and actually told her mom, but it still stung of course. Although I did not make her cheat, I definitely was not in a place to be there 100% so I can't act like I am not somehow a factor. 

I feel like I have forgiven her. I no longer get angry to be honest, I just feel real sadness sometimes. It definitely changed something, and I am just trying to think past the incident. It just pops in my mind sometimes, the specific details about the actual encounter, and I really need some trick to turn it off as it starts lol. 

Honestly, the more and more I talk on here, the better I feel about the whole thing. It could be a lot worse, and I love her dearly. She has given me 0 reason to think she has ever done it again, and has definitely been there for me during my hard times. 

We have been to counseling off and on since the incident 9 years ago. I am just gonna lower my head and keep pushing forward. I just wish I could stop torturing myself over the details. Whew, somehow I feel better after typing all of this. She knows I am having a rough day, and I honestly can't wait for her to get home and give me a big hug. Thanks so much guys. This crap is not easy, but it is nice to talk to others who have been there/done that.

Josh


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

Sounds like she has done everything she could do to rebuild the marriage and the trust after what happened so that is a huge positive. I think above posters are right, you need to truly forgive her. And you need to recognise and focus on how good things are at the moment, which is really all that matters.

Hope you get there,

Good luck


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

JoshuaM said:


> I have been a Deputy Sheriff, was in the Marine Corps, and I am now a fulltime Fire Fighter....and nothing has ever been as hard on me as the affair my wife had 9 years ago.
> 
> Long story short, I am 32, and met my wife when we were 15. We waited 6 years until our wedding night to have sex. We went through some stressful (non affair related) stuff early in our marriage and my wife had a EA/PA with someone we knew through softball. She had cut it off before I found out, and by all accounts the PA happened once. I confronted him and broke his nose. We have been through counseling for years, and honestly are in a better place than we have ever been. We have an amazing 3 year old, and a life that most people would kill to have.
> 
> ...


 Dude, I'm a FMR Marine , too and My situation is similar to yours, except I beat the other guy rather worse than a punch in the nose.. The wife is trying very hard to re-connect and prove herself, and I'm trying , too, to forgive and work on my own issues. . The problem is the forgetting. I try not to dwell on it, but IDK HOW to get the images out of my mind? the memories of the lies she told. I think this is the single hardest thing to do, is to let it go. As yet, I don't know how.I 've got no answers for you, but I'm with you, Dude.


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