# Husband has female "friends"



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Ok is it just me or is this ok? He has tons of female friends, most on facebook, and he has recently "met" a new "friend" who he is spending time with, helping her out, etc. She is 8 yrs younger than me, and single.

He has had EA's with ex-girlfriends over the years, and who knows who else. I have confronted him before and he accuses me of trying to control his life and make sure he has no friends.

To me, he has crossed my boundaries many times. Having secret email relationships with females is NOT ok with me. Having in-person "friendships: with women I don't know is NOT ok with me.

ps. we separated a month ago. He was supposed to come visit our child but cancelled because he was "busy" helping his new "friend".

Does anyone else think this behaviour is acceptable in marriage?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Nope, but she fought tooth and nail to convince me I was a controlling jerk by having a problem with it. 
Sorry, I'm not as socially upbeat with the times I guess.....


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

You just wrote my story. 

No it is NOT ok. Those "friends" are what I believe my husband left our marriage for. Only now he's living with his mother and has nothing but FB to come home to at night. Hope his computer gives him nice warm hugs at the end of the day!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

brokenbythis said:


> Ok is it just me or is this ok? He has tons of female friends, most on facebook, and he has recently "met" a new "friend" who he is spending time with, helping her out, etc. She is 8 yrs younger than me, and single.
> 
> He has had EA's with ex-girlfriends over the years, and who knows who else. I have confronted him before and he accuses me of trying to control his life and make sure he has no friends.
> 
> ...


Was the separation his idea? Many spouses will ask for "space" so that they can further explore these "friendships."

If its not Ok with you, then its not OK. Its a problem.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes he wanted the separation. He needed "space" to do some "thinking" and he has not decided, as of right now, if he is coming back or not.

My gut feeling tells me he is exploring the green grass on the other side.

We are in MC once a week and I for one, am going to set my boundary in this respect once and for all. If he crosses it, which he will, the consequences will be I will be filing for divorce ASAP.

I'm sure I'll hear the usual "you're controlling my life" and "you're isolating me from my friends" dialogue.

I do not, and never have, had any male relationships of any kind outside of my marriage. If you know what I mean. Except for dad, brothers, husband of my friends (who I saw when their wife was with me). I married this man totally committed to HIM and then our family.

I am angry he didn't tell me he wanted an "open" marriage 13 yrs ago before I married him. I would have RAN not walked.

It is in no way acceptable to me, to have other women texting, calling his cellphone, emailing my husband, OR asking my husband to come over and "help out" around the house.

What sort of person does this with a married man/woman?


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Ugh!
So sorry you are in the club.
It isn't acceptable though all you can do nothing other than state your position and move onward.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

brokenbythis said:


> Yes he wanted the separation. He needed "space" to do some "thinking" and he has not decided, as of right now, if he is coming back or not.
> 
> My gut feeling tells me he is exploring the green grass on the other side.
> 
> ...


Keep in mind that if you say "its me or them - stop or I'll file" - and don't follow through - it will only make things worse.

Don't give an ultimatum unless you are truly ready to follow through with the consequences.

The "controlling" talk is classic cheater-speak.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I would state what is not acceptable to me in terms of these "friends" and secret emails, texts, meetings, etc.

If he says he does not agree to it I would then state "I am not willing to stay in this marriage with a man who cheats, lies and does not respect my boundaries" and "I need a marriage where my husband puts me and his family before others".

I would get around to filing pretty soon after that.

I truly cannot be married to someone who behaves this way.

Yes it seems the common thread I am finding is the "you are trying to control me", etc... is coming from "you are trying to stop me having my fun with other women".


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> My gut feeling tells me he is exploring the green grass on the other side.
> 
> We are in MC once a week


Two things. First, the grass only APPEARS to be greener on the other side of the fence. It's not. He is likely to figure that out at some point in time, but not in time for him to still have you around.

Second, MC is a waste of time and money when one partner is involved in an affair.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Two things. First, the grass only APPEARS to be greener on the other side of the fence. It's not. He is likely to figure that out at some point in time, but not in time for him to still have you around.
> 
> Second, MC is a waste of time and money when one partner is involved in an affair.


:iagree::iagree:


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

ok... perhaps I'm an odd duck out... but I would actually like to have my H to have a few female friends. Being that we live far from family and his mother has since passed, I think it would be good for him to befriend and talk with another female to gather a better understanding of us as a gender... someone to bounce ideas, answer questions, etc. 

Being that I have worked in a very male dominated career field, some of my acquaintances and friends are men... I have learnt quite a bit about how men think on an objective level.

Of course I immediately set boundaries with any OS friendships... my H has briefly met most of them on a professional level... some not...its up to him, not me, if he holds trust or faith. That's what marriage is about.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

RoseRed said:


> ok... perhaps I'm an odd duck out... but I would actually like to have my H to have a few female friends. Being that we live far from family and his mother has since passed, I think it would be good for him to befriend and talk with another female to gather a better understanding of us as a gender... someone to bounce ideas, answer questions, etc.
> 
> Being that I have worked in a very male dominated career field, some of my acquaintances and friends are men... I have learnt quite a bit about how men think on an objective level.
> 
> Of course I immediately set boundaries with any OS friendships... my H has briefly met most of them on a professional level... some not...its up to him, not me, if he holds trust or faith. That's what marriage is about.


While I can understand your feelings on this; you are in a very small minority depending on the level of friendship you are talking about. If she feels like she is being disrespected, then it is her feeling, right or wrong. Then it is up to her H to either honor her feelings or disregard them. There are consequences to actions. So what would he prefer to befriend females and put his marriage in jeopardy or forego the friendship and make sure momma's happy? I can tell you from experience because my wife befriended a male companion several years ago and it cut me to the core and it did SEVERE damage to our marriage although she wasn't aware of it at the time even after I had asked her to stop the "friendship." She would do work lunches with him alone a couple of times a week and she would tell me he is just a friend; it ended up 6 years later in a PA. The key word here is feeling DISRESPECTED! If your SO feels something hurtful, should you not care?
You say you have a friendly relationship with several men and you would like to see your husband do the same - be careful with that, men have different feelings about the oppositre sex than woman do. Knowing what I know now, I would listen and take my spouses feelings seriously to heart. It is really painful and causes a lot of resentment when your SO ignores your feelings. Just my .02 cents worth.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

BrighterLight - I fully understand and respect your thoughts on the subject. I am so sorry for your pain. I am guessing that the hurt came from two fronts... I'm sure it cut to the core. I can only presume that there were two issues at hand. If it was a friendship that developed into an EA then PA... there were no boundaries set. (and I know from my experience, for a woman to befriend a man, these rules have to be absolutely, clearly almost stamped into their forehead. I have had to end 'friendships' with OS because they wouldn't respect my boundaries) and secondly, I'm sure you questioned yourself what you lacked. This I can only presume comes from miscommunication and insecurities from both sides. 

For the OP... if this is so bothersome, then of course, it must be brought to light to the spouse, and perhaps with the help of a MC work through this issue. The objective point of view of MC is very helpful! My concern when one partner ALWAYS gets their way, just to ease their own fears, insecurities, lack of self, the controller and doormat routine may form. I know all too well the pain of neglect and manipulation on many levels for countless years... I was the doormat.

just my 2 cents.... too.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> ok... perhaps I'm an odd duck out... but I would actually like to have my H to have a few female friends. Being that we live far from family and his mother has since passed, I think it would be good for him to befriend and talk with another female to gather a better understanding of us as a gender... someone to bounce ideas, answer questions, etc.
> 
> Being that I have worked in a very male dominated career field, some of my acquaintances and friends are men... I have learnt quite a bit about how men think on an objective level.
> 
> Of course I immediately set boundaries with any OS friendships... my H has briefly met most of them on a professional level... some not...its up to him, not me, if he holds trust or faith. That's what marriage is about.


Rose, her husband has already crossed boundaries. It is already a sexual 'friendship' yk?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> Yes it seems the common thread I am finding is the "you are trying to control me", etc... is coming from "you are trying to stop me having my fun with other women".


You should simply answer...

"Well someone has to control you since you seem unable to control yourself."


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> Rose, her husband has already crossed boundaries. It is already a sexual 'friendship' yk?


Are you inferring the OP's words "in-person" friendship as a sexual relationship? I try not to read between the lines of any postings as this method of communication does have its limitations and can lead to incorrect assumptions. I did not read the OP directly state that there has been a PA.

As to boundaries... each individual obviously has their own boundary comfort zone... even within a marriage no matter the issue. It is the work of the couple to come to an understanding on boundaries, either it is worked out into a comprimise or there is a stalemate and the stubborness of both parties and then they must decide on what, where and how to proceed next.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You should simply answer...
> 
> "Well someone has to control you since you seem unable to control yourself."


I respectfully disagree... no adult has the right to control another adult. Whether they are behaving as an adult or not. Stating this will only enflame the situation by degrading the other. This is unacceptable. The only thing the OP can do is to express her truth and feelings in love, perhaps suggest MC to help resolve their issue, and move foreward. It the OP's H is not going to even listen, or cooperate with addressing her feelings and concerns, then she will decide that either she will remain in the status quo, or will do something within her control...take control of her life and her choices.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> I respectfully disagree...


Yeah, you`re right...

But it is ironic that the person who seems to have no control is complaining about being controlled.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Well interestingly enough I have new developments. We went to MC and discussed the OW issues, the EA's, etc. We were discussing one particular OW who I had known was a friend of his before we married. After we married there were secret phone calls to his cellphone, he would meet her for lunch during his workday (without me knowing or being invited), discuss our marriage with her, stuff like that. I had set my boundary back then: I don;t mind you being friends with her but you need to do it in a way where you are respectful to me. ie: no secrets, they can have their friendship but include me. She was married too.

He rebelled and the I got the "controlling" speech. Instead of being an adult and doing what I had suggested within my boundary zone, he cut off all contact with her and has blamed me for the loss of his "best friend" for years.

I asked him why he did not tell me about this "best friend" before we got married. AND why didn't he marry her.

AND, well if she was your best friend what was I? Why did you bother marrying me?

His response was I knew she was a friend (didn't know how "good" a friend she was - never disclosed to me!), and he didn't marry her because it was not a romantic relationship.

He then went on to tell me we have never been compatible and we got married for all the wrong reasons. Well that's his take 'cause I have never felt that way.

My STBX has let so many people into our marriage it has done such severe damage to my trust and feeling of security I don't know if and how I can forgive him or move on with trying to repair our relationship.

What makes it worse is he shows no remorse, just expresses anger and resentment towards me for "making him dump his friends". Said he feels like a piece of s*@t for putting me before them.

Lovely sentiments from him.

Makes me feel like I was never worth much to him and he is truly a worthless case. He has never said he feels like a piece of [email protected]*t for abandoning his wife and child...


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I know what you mean BBT. Keep your head up and you will get through this. If he feels like that then let him be by his self and maybe one day he will come to his senses but by that time you might be totally done with it. I could understand if you did not want to work it out.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

TODAY I am totally done with him.

As you know the rollercoaster continues, so tomorrow I may feel differently


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I know what you mean. Just do whatever it takes to maintain your sanity. Im tired of this rollercoaster I want off the ride now!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I know exactly what you mean. I have been patient, done the 180 (sort of!) understanding, listened to him, but my patience is running out.

_What I am truly scared of is:_
once I am DONE, I will switch my mindset from trying to repair the marriage to completely and utterly moving forward with my own life.

Doing that will entail: moving to my own apartment, hiring an attorney, getting temp alimony & child support, my own bank accounts. Every single thing that will sever our marriage forever.

I know within myself that once I make that decision I will not turn back.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I know what you mean and I was scared of that myself but I told my wife when Im done Im done and I ask her if this is for sure what she wanted. She said yes and I told her I was done and well since then I having been doing everything to move through this and well its getting better everyday. Some days are worse than others but Im not going to be the only one to fight for something so hey she made the decision and well Im not going to try to turn back the hands of time.


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## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

Your hubs should take care of your feelings rather passing time with chat m8s i thinks possessiveness is right. My girl is also the same but i dont do things she dont like if i only think of doing them i feel like UUUGGHHH to myself because i also dont like them


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> I would state what is not acceptable to me in terms of these "friends" and secret emails, texts, meetings, etc.
> 
> If he says he does not agree to it I would then state "I am not willing to stay in this marriage with a man who cheats, lies and does not respect my boundaries" and "I need a marriage where my husband puts me and his family before others".
> 
> ...


BINGO!

If this is unacceptable to you, outline the consequences and then follow through, but don't just let him keep getting away with it.

I too, am uncomfortable with such friendships, and made it known early on. I have to say, that for the most part, H has gone out of his way to make sure he keeps his nose clean.

I will not stay with any man who requires these types of friendships outside of the marriage. Especially in secret.


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

female friends are fine, this guy seems dodgy though.


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## Tullytara (Dec 26, 2011)

i have been seperated 3 weeks and he already has a new femal friend who he met friday 30 spent sat 31 with all night and all of sunday 1st
facebook has a lot to be desired for. i have a special needs child and he had seizures all sat night and sunday my ex decided that even that didnt warrant him coming home. oh and she is meeting his parents this wekend, she has 2 kids froma previous relationship that are going who knows where and my kids cant see their dad this weekend because he would rather spend the time with her .

I cant give any advice because my head cant compute whats happing in my life let alone urs im sorry


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