# When he tells you he doesn’t love you...



## Finding Myself (Jul 26, 2020)

6 months ago my husband who I’ve been with for 22 years told me he doesn’t love me. Throughout the years we’ve had our ups and downs so I thought this was just one of our downs. Here we are 6 months later and things haven’t gotten better.

He moved out a month ago and I’ve been trying to see if we could reconcile and work on our marriage. He recently told me he doesn’t want to put any effort into reconcile.

How do I accept the fact that our marriage is over?

I’m an attractive, smart, fun 39 year old who has my whole life ahead of me. Our kids are 14 & 18 and I want focus on them but also want to regain self love so that I can walk away from this feeling peace.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm sorry. After investing 22 years, a decent person would have at least shared enough experiences and built enough memories where they ought to be able to tell you they love you in some way that they don't consider just disposable. The fact that he's built this life with you means nothing to him apparently just tells me that he didn't have much substance. 

He sounds like he's immature emotionally. Doesn't sound like anything you can fix. I wouldn't stay in the marriage feeling empty and duped. My guess is this is all about sex for him and that he either has his eye on someone or is wanting to see if he's still got it and play the field. He just doesn't sound like he has enough substance for it to be about anything else. 

Change is usually good, but dealing with it in the middle of heartbreak is certainly not fun. But please don't let this hurt your self-esteem. This is his deficit, his inability and shallowness. 

You seem to have a good outlook on the future, and because he's proven himself so empty, I can only imagine that once you get used to the change of not having him drag you down, that you were really just continue to blossom. 

What you need to do now is go get yourself your own family law attorney so that everything is equitable. And the next thing is the most important. I know you only have one underage child now, but you should insist he have 50% custody. otherwise he's just going to have all the leisure time in the world and no responsibility and you are still going to be tied down with not enough time for rest or socializing. Judges usually default to joint custody anyway. So you just be sure he does his part.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

After being married for 22 years he suddenly doesn't love you? There is a very good chance he has someone else, and has for a long time - long before his "I don't love you". Most men won't leave a marriage unless they have someone else to go to or the marriage had major issues beyond the typical marriage ups and downs.


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## Finding Myself (Jul 26, 2020)

He hasn’t shown any signs of indefinitely. If that’s the case, I refuse to drive myself crazy trying to think about that. To be honest, I don’t want to analyze what went wrong in our marriage if he’s clearly telling me he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to put any effort into reconciling.

My main focus at this time is learning to cope with this new reality and making myself happy. I want to love myself again and see what the future holds for me. I want to get to the point where I’m not texting or “looking” for him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your still young enough and your kids are older. It’s hard to look at the upside in these situations but your WORLDS better off than a lot of ladies that find themselves in your shoes.
Who is to say that your husband wouldn’t just decide again in 5 years that he is done?

You say you only want to look forward and not dwell on the failed marriage.... that is extremely wise. You won’t find a better solution for getting yourself back on your feet.


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## Finding Myself (Jul 26, 2020)

Yeah I think of that too. I’m young enough to start a new life if that’s what’s in the cards. 

I struggle because we’ve been together so long that our life has become one. My life revolves around my two boys and husband and I find myself not having an outlet or hobby that I can distract myself with. I’ve sort of lost myself in the past 5 years unfortunately.


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## Finding Myself (Jul 26, 2020)

Yesterday he brought all his stuff back and said he would be willing to move back in but without putting any effort. That’s laughable! I deserve better.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Finding Myself said:


> Yesterday he brought all his stuff back and said he would be willing to move back in but without putting any effort. That’s laughable! I deserve better.


Yes you do. Change the locks.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yeah.....uummmm.... NO !!

If you really want to put some nails in the coffin and establish authority over the situation you should file and serve him. Set the president that you are in charge and not the victim of his choices.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Finding Myself said:


> Yesterday he brought all his stuff back and said he would be willing to move back in but without putting any effort. That’s laughable! I deserve better.


Did you tell him that you are not ok with his offer? Did he move back in?


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## Finding Myself (Jul 26, 2020)

I told him absolutely not and asked him to leave. I don’t want to be a door mat.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes you do. Change the locks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


You cannot do that if it is the marital home. As long as you are married and the assets are shared, he has just as much of a right to be there. Talk to a lawyer before making any choices like that.


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## Finding Myself (Jul 26, 2020)

bobert said:


> You cannot do that if it is the marital home. As long as you are married and the assets are shared, he has just as much of a right to be there. Talk to a lawyer before making any choices like that.


I wouldn’t change the locks. We won’t let it get to that point. But he’s definitely not welcomed here unless it’s related to the kids.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Finding Myself said:


> Yeah I think of that too. I’m young enough to start a new life if that’s what’s in the cards.
> 
> I struggle because we’ve been together so long that our life has become one. My life revolves around my two boys and husband and I find myself not having an outlet or hobby that I can distract myself with. I’ve sort of lost myself in the past 5 years unfortunately.


Once you get divorced and he has the boy or boys 3 1/2 days a week, two and a half during the week and one on weekends, this will free you up to either work more or take up a hobby or visit family and connect with old friends you've let go by the wayside. It will be best, once the legalities are finalized, to stay busy doing fun things and also pampering yourself, etc. That helps and gets you off on the right foot. Instead of being stuck at home all the time, you will have new freedom and dong things for yourself and only yourself for some of that time will help you look forward to the future.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Finding Myself said:


> Yesterday he brought all his stuff back and said he would be willing to move back in but without putting any effort. That’s laughable! I deserve better.


He wants no obligations or responsibility. 22 years later. No.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I agree it's time to consult a lawyer who will tell you what you can and can't do about locks, money, etc., and will certainly begin steps to protect your assets, because it is very common for people to start hiding money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Finding Myself said:


> I told him absolutely not and asked him to leave. I don’t want to be a door mat.


Good for you for being strong and knowing that you deserve more than what he is offering.

It sounds like he's not a happy camper living on his own. He likes what you do for him. He just does not want to put out any effort himself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Finding Myself said:


> Yeah I think of that too. I’m young enough to start a new life if that’s what’s in the cards.
> 
> I struggle because we’ve been together so long that our life has become one. My life revolves around my two boys and husband and I find myself not having an outlet or hobby that I can distract myself with. I’ve sort of lost myself in the past 5 years unfortunately.


Have you ever had any hobbies or interests other than work and family? If so, what were they?

Do you work out regularly?

Check out the website Meetup - We are what we do It's a site where people and organizations post 'meetups'. Here were I live there are hundreds of them that cover a lot of different hobbies/activities. The idea is find something you like and just show up at it. If you have a friend who will go with you, even better. Right now due to the pandemic, a lot of the meetups are virtual. You can still meet people that way and get active so that when the shutdown lifts you can start going in person.

Do you have friends that you can do things with? That's another avenue.

What sort of things do you think might interest you?


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## Finding Myself (Jul 26, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Have you ever had any hobbies or interests other than work and family? If so, what were they?
> 
> Do you work out regularly?
> 
> ...


Yeah that’s a good idea. I’m naturally super fun and outgoing but a lot of my activities include the family or couples. He was never a big fan of doing things just the 2 of us. He was always happier in a group setting.
I love to dance so wanted to get back into that but hard with the pandemic. I like to cook so maybe I can find something virtually. Meeting people will definitely be important.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

He is exhibiting the signs typical of A person in an affair, or a man with dropping testosterone levels. The trouble is we have no idea which it is. But, we are not advising him. We are advising you. He came back home because he got some good no nonsense legal advice. You are getting the same. 
So You've had the I don't love you message consistent for 6 months and you are believing it. That is a good place to work from. You do need to get a lawyer right away (actually a month ago). Someone who can tell you what exactly to do when he decides to move back in and things like that. Also to go ahead and start drawing up a divorce agreement. Honestly he has your life left teettering while he decides what he wants to do. That's not a good or fair place for you to be. You need to have a solid plan one way and the other so you can weather this storm.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Focus on you. Figure out who you really are as an adult (not the wife or mom role you’ve had for such a long time) and really think about what you want out of life. You’re not that teenager anymore (thankfully). I know you probably don’t feel fortunate to have this dropped on you now but, believe me, you are. If he had waited another twenty years, it would have been so much harder.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

What a fool!

You deserve better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like his gf isn't working out like he hoped and he needs a place to crash while he explores options.

Nothing makes you more undesirable then acting like a doormat. Good for you for standing your ground.

You'll be fine. Once you get him out of your life I suspect you'll realize he wasn't that great and you settled for a long time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The test drive didn't pan out. File.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Finding Myself said:


> I’m an attractive, smart, fun 39 year old who has my whole life ahead of me.


Then you'll be fine.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Finding Myself said:


> He hasn’t shown any signs of indefinitely. If that’s the case, I refuse to drive myself crazy trying to think about that. To be honest, I don’t want to analyze what went wrong in our marriage if he’s clearly telling me he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to put any effort into reconciling.
> 
> My main focus at this time is learning to cope with this new reality and making myself happy. I want to love myself again and see what the future holds for me. I want to get to the point where I’m not texting or “looking” for him.


Men rarely walk out of long term marriages unless there is some cookie on the side. Put a VAR in his car or get a PI to follow him. Is your state a no fault state, check out the divorce laws. Men like your H want to come away smelling like roses, dont let him. Get a good lawyer now, do the 180 and investigate.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Finding Myself said:


> Yesterday he brought all his stuff back and said he would be willing to move back in but without putting any effort. That’s laughable! I deserve better.


Poor man, his cookie wasn't as sweet as he thought she would be. Do not fall for this BS


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Finding Myself How are you doing? I hope you have found out more about what your H has been doing? Did you get that lawyer?


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## AmyQuinn (Jul 28, 2020)

it is really disgusting situation, he doesn't deserve you


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## MAS100 (Jul 31, 2020)

I am in a similar situation. My husband of 23 years left me 5 weeks ago with no warning just that he doesn't love me anymore. I have 4 children, 5, 16,18,21. No sign of anyone else. He has since lost interest in his kids and won't talk to me. We are going to couples therapy to find a solution, as he is now unsure what he wants. I am struggling to exist beyond looking after kids.


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