# Date or no dating during separation / divorce



## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Hi all right now I have a feeling my wife soon to be ex is seeing someone from time to time, she wants to end it and many times I tell her let's set up the meditation , so far not yet but it has to be soon . My question is do I go out and look for someone to date/see or Justin wait for the divorce to be finalized ?


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I believe that I will wait till after. I have so much healing to do and focusing on me, for a change, is freeing. Do what you want, but don't jump into something just because your STBX is. Take your time.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

Assuming someone else is cheating is probably not a good excuse to cheat yourself. Legally and emotionally, it's probably best to wait until things are finalized. Do you really need more emotional distractions while going through divorce? 

Just some thoughts!
Kayla


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd say it depends. How long until the divorce can be finalized? How long has the marriage been essentially over? Are you emotionally ready to date and move on? Who left whom, and why?

In my case, I was ready to date within weeks of moving out, as the marriage had been over for years - it was just logistics about breaking up. However, my divorce then took 7 years! I dated a lot, and met my current wife within 6 months.

Anyway, if the end isn't too far off, waiting is probably good. Otherwise, whenever YOU feel ready is a good time to start.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Thanks so much all, I will wait .... it's been 6 months since this all started , still living in same house but we stay in each of our children's room... she does go out here and there and comes home late, claims it's with friends ..I just want to get the process started but she keeps stalling , I mean this what she wants and now that I'm pushing for it there is always a excuse


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hayday said:


> Thanks so much all, I will wait .... it's been 6 months since this all started , still living in same house but we stay in each of our children's room... she does go out here and there and comes home late, claims it's with friends ..I just want to get the process started but she keeps stalling , I mean this what she wants and now that I'm pushing for it there is always a excuse


Just go file yourself. What's stopping you?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> Just go file yourself. What's stopping you?


This. Not sure where you are in the process, but get the ball rolling. Depending on your location, may be as simple as waling down to the courthouse and filing a couple papers.

As for dating, the big thing to watch out for is a rebound relationship. Easy to do but will divert you from the real process of getting a divorce and healing from the loss of the relationship. I did and although it was fun, I wish I had avoided it until I was in a better place (Mentally & emotionally). Get your life in order and make sure you are available (emotionally) before you pursue another long term relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It appears that the vast majority of states are currently adhering to "no-fault divorce" rules, meaning that they don't want any of their domestic/family court judges wasting their time trying divorce cases on fault issues, thereby having them take much more of an administrative stance as a say, a mediator or an administrator.

That being said, I believe that the onus of dating is greatly on the individual, although I personally feel that a an aggrieved or cheated-upon spouse should take ample time to grieve and to heal the loss of a marital partner, just as if they had passed away from natural causes!

In time, I'd have to say that it's probably OK, but I wouldn't recommend that they get their feet wet, or anything else for that matter, too soon!*


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Thanks so much all, I will wait .... it's been 6 months since this all started , still living in same house but we stay in each of our children's room... she does go out here and there and comes home late, claims it's with friends ..I just want to get the process started but she keeps stalling , I mean this what she wants and now that I'm pushing for it there is always a excuse


Hayden, like the majority advised you in your original thread, just file. You don't need her cooperation. She is never gong to cooperate. Why should she? She has you at home watching the kids while she plays with her boyfriend. Free baby sitter.

File for divorce and have her served. If that does not wake her up then nothing will and you and your children will be better off in 2 homes where she can do her own thing and you yours. 

As far as dating my 2 cents is don't until after the divorce is finalized. Years from now when your grown children find out the truth why your family broke up you can look your kids in the eye and honestly say you tried to keep the family together right up through the finalization of the divorce and that you never cheated on their mother. She cheated and broke up the family, not you. If she chooses to lie to her own children that will be on her, not you. They will not believe her because they will never forget mom threatening to impale herself when you questioned her why a man's shirt was hidden under the car seat.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why do you need her permission to respect yourself?


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Your so right Brooklyn ... and I wish it was as easy to just file , she threaten me that if I go that road she wi make it hard for me and hard to get half custody, plus if I go lawyer fought it's 6 k plus 300 per hour and that money I don't have now, mediation is 1200-3k ?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would she be in a hurry? Right now she has what she wants. You're still there at home with the children and all that involves. She's free to do as she wishes and can date like she's single. It's a win for her and a lose for you as things stand.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Her threats are just threats. It's the state law and the quality of your lawyer that determines what happens. I'm not sure what lawyer you are considering but initial consultations are usually free or cheap, and my total legal bill on an uncontested divorce was between $2-3K, which was the best money I ever spent and about in line with your mediation cost. Most likely if you don't have that kind of money for a lawyer she doesn't either so she's just making idle threats that don't mean anything. When I was getting divorced I talked with my wife and said that we could either spend our money on lawyers fighting each other or we could just decide for ourselves what the split should be and keep our money. She elected to keep the money for ourselves and the kids instead of giving it to a lawyer. Maybe you could try something similar with your wife. Ask her if she wants to spend $20K fighting a legal battle with you or if she wants to buy a new car, because there's not enough money for both. 

I think you are still intertwined too much with her and need to start mentally separating from her. Do the 180 and then start thinking about making decisions that are best for you regardless of what she wants or says. That means take control of your life and end your marriage, if you are determined to do it. 

As far as the dating thing...just don't do it. You have way too much on your plate right now to involve another person in this mess. Once you're looking at your divorce in the rear view mirror and have healed enough that you aren't thinking/worrying about your ex wife anymore then it is time to think about possibly bringing in a new relationship.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sure, she threatens a custody battle, but can SHE afford that? If she can, that's one thing, but if neither of you can afford that, then it's not likely to happen, and she'll be responsible for her legal bill to pursue it. Call her bluff - because it almost surely is a bluff.

And even if you don't date, go out and spend time with friends or doing things you enjoy, leaving her home with the kids. Pursue a hobby, a sport, the gym, or a meetup group. If necessary, negotiate when you each can go out. If she won't, then just don't come home - particularly on a day when she plans to go out. She'll fall into line quickly to keep her ability to go out - but it needs to be scheduled so you BOTH have time free.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Your so right Brooklyn ... and I wish it was as easy to just file , she threaten me that if I go that road she wi make it hard for me and hard to get half custody, plus if I go lawyer fought it's 6 k plus 300 per hour and that money I don't have now, mediation is 1200-3k ?



She does not decide who gets custody. Play that recording of her threatening to kill herself and demand full custody. She will then settle for half custody . Let her threaten all she wants. You have no control of what she thinks or says or anything. Who cares? This has been going on for months. Do you know if the guy is married or has a girlfriend? Have you exposed her actions to friends and family? You have been given oodles of advice but you are still letting her call the shots. She has had months to make an appointment for mediation. It AINT't happening. I know that divorce is expensive but you have no choice. She is going to let this drag out forever. Force her hand. When she has to shell out 6K to answer your divorce petition then she might settle for mediation. Until then waiting for her to mediate is like waiting for the moon to crash to earth. Not in your lifetime. 

Myself., I would pull the 6K lawyer fee out of joint funds then separate joint finances and cancel all joint credit cards. I would also have her served while she is intimate with her boyfriend. Then when she blows up my phone with threats I would file a emergency restraining order kicking her out of the house and send a suitcase of her dirty cloths to her boyfriends abode. Bottom line is you need to blow up the affair and take control of the situation. After what she has done to you my opinion is she is nowhere near remorseful and divorce is the only option. 

Borrow the money if you have to. Take a loan from family. Borrow against home equity. Borrow from pension or 401K. Just do it.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

I did expose to her family and now she says that she has so much stress with her family that she is going to loose it, she wants to Disown them lol I never had issues with her family we get along well.... as for the guy not sure if he is still married but the family members that know of him think he may be or is Ali's getting separated


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hayday said:


> Hi all right now I have a feeling my wife soon to be ex is seeing someone from time to time, she wants to end it and many times I tell her let's set up the meditation , so far not yet but it has to be soon . My question is do I go out and look for someone to date/see or Justin wait for the divorce to be finalized ?


I would say it depends on how you're feeling. I wouldn't jump into something just because your STBX is seeing someone. For myself, I had a little fling during our "trial" separation, but will now be waiting until our separation is finalized, and we're heading towards divorce. Reason being? We've been married for almost 4 years, but besides duty sex, I feel like I've been single for a good chunk of those years, and am ready to find someone who complements my personality and wants out of life the same things that I do.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> I did expose to her family and now she says that she has so much stress with her family that she is going to loose it, she wants to Disown them lol I never had issues with her family we get along well.... as for the guy not sure if he is still married but the family members that know of him think he may be or is Ali's getting separated


Increase her stress 1000 fold by filing. She is completely remorseful and unrepentant and like all cheaters blames you for the results of her lying and cheating. Find out who the POSOM's significant other is and compare notes. The POSOM is probably lying to your wife and his wife is clueless. If so exposing to her may help end the affair. Or the wife kicks him out and him and your wife move in together. Good. Out of your sight. If this guy was really separated he would have an apartment to enjoy your wife, she would be spending overnights with him and she would be pushing for the divorce. She wouldn't be having sex in her car so you could find the shirt. Bottom line is good money says he is married and is hiding affair from his wife. Her family only knows what she told them and she is lying to them like she lies to you. Cheaters don't care.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Another good point, I don't actually know if he has an apartment someplace , she did go out a few times and was home 1:30 In the morning.. at this point I don't care I think I have my answers no need to spy anymore , just need it to be done so I can move on..


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Another good point, I don't actually know if he has an apartment someplace , she did go out a few times and was home 1:30 In the morning.. at this point I don't care I think I have my answers no need to spy anymore , just need it to be done so I can move on..


It is really good that you are not caring at this point. She clearly does not care about your feelings. 

But, infidelity is an actionable claim in NYS, 1 of 4. NYS does have no fault but both sides have to agree. Proof of infidelity strengthens your bargaining position. But you generally need a licensed investigator to prove it. Another point is knowing details about who he is now will actually help you later on should they stay together after you two split up. She will not be able to claim it all happened after the separation / divorce, blah blah blah that you were a horrible husband. This is more for your children decades from now when they recall what happened in your family home and will want to know why. They will want to know, they are not going to forget what they witnessed as children.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

As far as coming home at 1:30 AM I'd bet they have dinner then go to a hot sheet hotel that rents rooms for 3 - 4 hours. They are all over the city. A PI photographing them entering and leaving is enough evidence in NYC for adultery. Secretly put a GPS on her car, pay the monthly fee and you will find out. Then tip off the PI where they are and you have it. Save money that way.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Im back , been off the site a while , let me give an update . Still separated , mediated and failed both times . It’s almost 1yr and a half separated . She still denis talking or dating this guy , yet she has been out and staying over nights at god knows where plus I still find stuff such as a possible gift for this guy and also found his pba
Card with her first name and his last name on it... she has mentally abused me for this year but I also got a lot of recordings of her saying crazy stuff and she even says go ahead record me no one cares ...so sadly I don’t have the money to serve her with a lawyer and I’m pushing her to get the mediator again because we are sort of getting to an agreeable point on some things .. I want 50/50 with my kids she’s giving me a hard time even though she is home 7/8 every night and goes out a lot more , plus the kids are very close to me.this summer alone so far I’ve taken the kids to a lot of places, 
I’m so stuck now on what to do ..I don’t see any signs of this working out


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

You need to get out of this hell!!! 

Do what ever it takes to get the money to hire a lawyer. Borrow it from friends and/or family. Get another job. Sell some things. But it is obvious that this has been going on for far too long. She is dragging her feet intentionally. 

You need to get out now


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP. By now you have demonstrated that the problem IS YOU. 

You are a man that has no guts to do whatever you need to do by whatever means necessary; instead you keep yourselve wallowing in timid passivity, making excuses in order to get the money to retain a lawyer.

No wonder why your wife lost all respect/admiration for you as a man. You probably never have been able to do what what every woman asks in a marriage: for the man to protect and provide adequately. 

We all create our own destiny, obviously you can't even do that, and you're relaying on your wife for things to happen in your destiny. Shame on you. Your wife must be having a ball, while you're still here lamenting things instead of DOING what needs to be done.
Why are you still living in the same house with her, after more than a year and a half?
Why after more than a year and a half you don't even had put a retainer with a lawyer?

Why after more than a year and a half you're still paying attention to her seeing another man or not?
I bet you have not seen a woman in all this time, while She's getting hers.
She has mentally abuse you because she knows she can, because obviously you are a weak man that she can abuse.

I'm telling you, as a man no woman crazy or sane would think twice about abusing me. Take that to bank.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Hayday said:


> Thanks so much all, I will wait ...*. it's been 6 months since this all started *, still living in same house but we stay in each of our children's room... she does go out here and there and comes home late, claims it's with friends ..I just want to get the process started but she keeps stalling , I mean this what she wants and now that I'm pushing for it there is always a excuse


Haydon: It has been well over a year, more like 18 months since this started. You really should have simply continued your earlier thread,. Let me remind you, your earlier thread : 

HAYDON: 

May 8 : Sad day , I had her instragram pass and logged on and seen a direct message to her saying I love u to her , I guess my gut was right
May 8 Thanks all I will update once things get a little more clear
May 8 : Wow get this I found his shirt under her car seat, I approached her and she went ballistic , I recorded the whole thing, screaming to give her the shirt , threaten to kill her self, punch walls screaming to give her the shirt kids crying. I took a pic or it and finally gave it to her it was a scared scene.... my question is , is this guy married to and she is scared that I would blow up spot ? Why would she get like this? Plus do I have more leverage with the outburst recorded ? Plus she said I bought the shirt and put it there lol 


July 14 : Trying to avoid the lawyers fees , she also would rather meditate , say I do make the appointment and she does not go do I get any points for showing up?

MYSELF: 

July 14 : "You waste your time and no one cares. The mediator's time is wasted too. 

If she really wanted to leave she would have left already. If she really wanted to divorce she would have filed. If she really wanted to mediate she would have made the appointment already. I suspect her lover has not committed to leave his significant other so she is stringing you along as plan B. 

Dude, fark the money. Just file."

So here you are one year later. Besides all her excuses what exactly has changed?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You seem to value not making waves and not spending money above all else.

If you want to remain together without conflict and save expenses, there is a real simple solution here -

Simply quit your whining, keep taking the kids to the zoo, stay out of their way and let the real men have sex with her. 

If you want some extra points, have a cold drink and warm meal waiting for her when she gets home from her dates because she's probably a little exhausted and dehydrated and will appreciate that. 

You are incorrect in that this isn't working out. It is in fact working out quite well for her. She has you to keep the kids out from under foot and she has her boyfriend(s) to take care of her sexual needs and all she has to do is sit through a mediation session think of this week's grocery list while you whine. 

She obviously can keep this up indefinitely until either the kids are grown enough they don't need two parents under the same roof, or until one of her boyfriends decides to take her fulltime in which case she will pack and be out of the house in a day or two. 

So if you want keep the conflict and the expenses down until then, quit whining and keep doing what you are (or in this case are NOT doing -which is having a backbone and some balls) and keep out of their hair.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've given her all the power and that was a very big mistake. She sees you, with good reason, as a very weak man. If that's not who you want to be then move on and rebuild your life.


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## Hayday (May 5, 2017)

Well said all, I think I need this kick in the behind .. I made a few calls to see if I can borrow the money from family ... hopefully I can this week ... And by the way I haven’t been living home to avoid conflict .


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Also start dating that will move her ass.....she is a classic cake eater


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