# The Good, The Bad and The Ugly



## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Greetings everyone! After spending some time reading here and there, I decided to register and see if I can get some advice to help me/us out. Please, try not to be to harsh on me after reading my life summary below.

Here goes...

The Good:

We have been happily married for 11 years and have a smart and beautiful 4 year old daughter that will begin kindergarten in a few week. We are debt free, house is paid, have both good earnings and don't have financial issues. I am very fond of both of them and love them to death. I would willingly give my life to protect them both from harm. That is how much I love my wife and daughter.

The Bad:

Working in IT had me doing a lot of extra hours over the years, not to mention the job related stress and pressure. At some point, after my daughter was born, I started to play games over the internet and, unfortunately, became addicted, staying up late into the wee hours playing. I was spending more and more spare time playing and doing less and less chores around the house. Also started to neglect my wife and her needs. I was so into my games, that I was not realizing what was building up. Anytime she would want my attention, I was snapping at her because of this or that reason related to the games. Also, and this is difficult for me to say out in a public forum, but my libido suffered and I now have a PE problem... 

The Ugly:

About 2 months ago, she told me that our relationship was falling apart. I thought, OK, I'll stop my games for a while and properly fulfill my duties
of father and husband. Tried to get intimate with her but she was having excuses every time I made advances. So, one day I directly approached the issue in a conversation. Well, it turns out that she is no longer physically interested in me and has no desire for intimacy with me.  Last time we got intimate was about 7 months ago.

Last week, she tells me that our relationship will not last much longer, so not to bother buying something for the home. It felt like someone just kicked me in the face. That is when I finally realized that our family was going to be broken. The next day, we had a +5 hours conversation and found out that she was tired of being ignored, tired of my negativity (I ***** a lot about anything). She told me that, at one point, she thought I was having an affair. I told her that I had never ever betrayed her and had always been faithful and loyal. Also found out she was fishing on dating web sites. I asked if she had been involved in an affair already. Did not yet, she said. So she is intending on getting involved with other men. Said she would be happy to live alone and just get a man when needed. 

The situation is still evolving at home, as we had a +3 hours discussion yesterday evening after the little one went to bed. At some point, we were both crying during the discussion. It really pained me to see my wife cry, because this was the first time ever, that I saw her cry. She wonders how can we fix the "broken tool"... I told her that are ways and methods to correct this situation, but it can take months, 3 to 6 I read somewhere.

My propensity to always look at the negative aspect of things is the #2 reason why she wants out, but that can be fixed to. I just need to kick myself in the rear and stop seeing glasses as half empty instead of being half full. 

So many things were talked about, in these 2 evenings, that my head is still spinning. But mostly, I am hurt and the pain is almost physical and almost unbearable. The thought of loosing my wife, that I adore, is killing me. I am barely able to sleep more than 3 hours each night, very hard to go through the day. My thoughts are spinning in my head to the point where I feel like my head is going to explode.

Yesterday, she was saying that perhaps we can just be apart for a while and perhaps get back together at some unspecified point in time. To which I said, well, if you're going to be sleeping around with various guys, why would I take you back? Then she said that I did not really loved her, that I just saw her as my property...... Then she asked "Why do you love me??" I was speechless, too much emotions flying in the air.

In conclusion, 

This is the gist of my situation at the moment. I don't have anyone near to talk this over with, and external opinions could help me see the light in my head. 

Feel free to ask questions should you need clarifications or more details about something.

Thank you for reading me this far!

Please, don't be too harsh on me, I know I have messed up and I am suffering greatly at the moment. Spending my days with teary eyes, but trying to look "cool" for the sake of my little one.

Thanks everyone and sorry for the long post...


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with you that a "trial separation" is a bad idea. She obviously has the desire to see what other kind of men are out there and if you separate, you can guarantee she'll start dating.

She's not attracted to you physically because she's been emotionally ignored for so long. She can regain that physical attraction to you through lots of time and effort on your part. You need to become the man you once were to her. Enough with the video games. Are they as important as your wife and daughter? No way.

If she's not invested in working on making the marriage better, then you're going to have a hard time doing it on your own. However, if she's willing to spend the time and effort to get back on track, then it's possible, but you're going to have to make the changes in your life that allows her to get what she wants and needs from you. Obviously your desires can't be ignored either, but you've admitted that this has been caused by your faults, so you'll have to spend a lot of time on bettering yourself.

I would also want to confirm 100% that she hasn't stepped outside of the marriage. The dating sites are a big red flag that would make me very nervous. You need to have a very candid conversation about that and other things to make sure this marriage can actually be repaired.

Good luck.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I don't think you two will solve this on your own... it's gone too far.

See a marriage counselor so both of you get all the issues on the table. Otherwise, you both will never feel the other is working on making the marriage work.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I've heard it said a lot around here that a man can be so oblivious to what's going on in his marriage, that by the time the wife says that she thinks the relationship is over, she's already decided that it's over and all that's left is the twitching.

I third the motion for counseling. If there's any chance to save your relationship, it's probably this.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Hamster ~ I'm sorry you're dealing with such pain right now. I can tell you're willing to do whatever it takes to find healing and restoration for your marriage, and I think that's wonderful. I have posted a few times on here about resources that I'm aware of through working with Focus on the Family. As I read your post, I was reminded of a book called _Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage_. Also, I agree with the other posters that marriage counseling is a good idea. I noticed that you're located in Canada. Focus does have an associate office there, and there are counselors available to speak with you over the phone. I pray that things improve in your relationship, and that you and your wife will be able to move past these hurts. God bless you!


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Thanks everyone for reading about my troubles and for the kind words.

Last week, I had mentioned to her that we could try marriage counseling to see if it would help. Her only answer to that was "What for? It's a waste of money anyways".

We spent the week-end evenings talking more, I even asked her a bunch of questions, to which she firmly replied no. My questions to her were:

In the past, since we have been together, did you:

Try to contact other men?
Advertise yourself on dating web sites?
Meet other men?
Had extra marital affairs?
Are you currently in contact with other men?

She got irritated and started to shout a bit while answering. The thing is, I have proofs that she is, except for the extra marital affairs, have not found anything yet. See, last week, when I started to doubt what she was telling me, I installed Spector Pro and started to gather details.

Well, whit all I saw and found, I was floored!!! It seems like she has been in contact with men since early last year. I saw emails going back to Feb 2011, I saw her various profiles on the dating web sites, the PM exchange that she is currently having with one chap in particular. Of course, I hate his guts, but he is not responsible, she is the one throwing the bait out there. They even exchanged their cell phone number for texting, he is also married and cheating on his wife.

Back to this past week-end...

She has agreed to "give me" 6 months to fix my issues, so that we can bring back the relationship we had. So, next week, I'm meeting my physician to try to get a prescription for Viagra to help fix the main issue, which she says is 50% of our problem. But, up to last evening, she is still communicating with this one guy and, on top of it all, she is still receiving tons of emails (in 4 different email accounts) from the various dating sites she is on. In the last week, they have been trying to set up a first meeting, in a coffee shop in town, but there was always something messing up their plans. In her latest reply to the guy, she said she was really interested in meeting him, even if it was on his deck...

I am even more hurt and devastated. What to do? Expose her and cut my losses while I still have my sanity, or try even harder to win her back? 

I never, ever imagine that our beautiful story would end up being in such a mess...


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

My head is going to explode.

Why are you trying to win her back? What do you feel guilty here? She is cheating on you and you have proof!!!

I don't understand why people want to be with other people who have so little respect for them and willingly ignore their vows of marriage. Then, after they do that, they blame the spouse who isn't cheating! AGGHHHHHHHH!

It's your fault because you have ED? That's ridiculous! People who cheat have no one to blame for the cheating but themselves. If she doesn't want to be with you and wants to be with others, then it's on her to leave you properly.

You deserve better than this and you've convinced yourself that you don't. This woman needs to be put in her place immediately. She needs to know you know about her activities and that you're not going to tolerate that anymore.


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## CommittedHusband (Aug 7, 2012)

I am not expert at all and I myself am going through a similar situation with my wife as far as the gaming addiction goes. She has felt neglected and hurt over the years from my gaming addiction.

But from reading a lot on these forums the past few weeks, I would confront her with the proof you have and set some boundaries if she is serious about giving it time to work. Demand no contact (NC) with these other men. Having an outside force is going to completely derail this process.

I also would advice you to get rid of anything that could enable you to play those games again. Many times my wife would threaten me about her leaving because of those games. Btw, I was heavily addicted to mmorpg games which sounds like what type of games you are as well.

My wife truly believes I would never cheat on her but has told me that she does feel cheated on by me with a game. I would just brush those emotions of her away think there is no way because its just a game. Now I really feel those neglect and hurt feelings she felt for so many years could be close to someone feeling cheated. Looking back now and not in defense mode trying to protect my gaming addiction, I'd agree with her that it was like me cheating on her but just with a game instead of another woman.

Right now I'm in the process of selling my gaming computer now. No need for it since I know 100% certain that I am not going to get back into gaming. I have a MBP that I use to check email, forums and such. No gaming on it what so ever and if I felt it could handle those games I'd get rid of it as well not because I still have a urge to play those games (which I have 0 urge to do now) but to show how serious I am about doing what ever it takes to save my marriage.

I have found out that just telling my wife something does nothing, she needs to see action because of all the times I told her I'd quit but never did.

As others have said before, counseling will be a big help to recovery.

Like I said in the beginning, I am not expert and please consider what others say as well. I maybe way off base on the confronting her with the proof part, so hopefully some others will chime in and correct me if I'm wrong.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

My game addiction was with the various flavours of Starfleet Commander (5 to be exact), from Facebook, all played simultaneously. I gave away my accounts this morning, so that I don't get tempted again, although I doubt very much that I will ever return to similar types of games. I tell you, those games are VERY addictive, but it builds up slowly over time.

I am keeping 2 just for entertaining the little one: CastleVille and Indiana Jones. Each take about 5 minutes to play, as you build things or do missions, then done until the next day. Ten minutes is all it take to entertain my 4 year old daughter before her bed time. :sleeping:

Although I am hurting like hell, I am not willing to compromise to the point of negating who I am, my family values, and my moral values as a whole. Heck, she even proposed that we have an "open marriage". You can guess my response to that. Grrrrr...

So, I'm in limbo at the moment, still hoping that she will come around, but the reality is starting to sink in, starting to be obvious. She wants her freedom so she can become a swinger or whatever they are called today.

Some other information about us:

She just turned 42 and I just turned 55, both born on the same day. We are both fit and look younger for our age. Also, she is Russian born, and from my experience with the relatives and friends over there, Russians never admit when they are wrong, because they "cannot" loose the face. So, if anyone on here knows Russians well, you know what I mean.

I'm sorry if I am babbling a lot, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I have no one here to talk with, to vent off a little bit. My only brother is off on the West coast for a while and I am on the East coast (sort of).

Thanks for listening.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Working in IT had me doing a lot of extra hours over the years, not to mention the job related stress and pressure. At some point, after my daughter was born, I started to play games over the internet and, unfortunately, became addicted, staying up late into the wee hours playing. I was spending more and more spare time playing and doing less and less chores around the house. Also started to neglect my wife and her needs. I was so into my games, that I was not realizing what was building up. Anytime she would want my attention, I was snapping at her because of this or that reason related to the games. Also, and this is difficult for me to say out in a public forum, but my libido suffered and I now have a PE problem...





> It seems like she has been in contact with men since early last year. I saw emails going back to Feb 2011


Well here's what I see.

About 4 years ago, you became addicted to gaming and developed ED. She tried (I'm sure) to get your attention, tell you how she felt by your actions and no doubt felt exactly how you feel right now over at least a period of 2 years. You ignored her pleas.

Somewhere in year 3, she decided to take matters into her own hands because by then she had completely withdrawn from you emotionally. Her needs didn't cease to exist because you weren't available to her to fill them anymore. 

Now you're here (albeit very late in this) feeling all the things she felt about you 3 years ago. 

IDK if this can be resolved. Too much time may have passed and emotionally she's not interested in you any longer. Your window of opportunity was a couple of years ago.

I'm not saying what she did is right, because it's not. She would have been better off leaving you altogether, not feeling out affairs with others. The question is, are you prepared to accept that she's wanting to move on and why? You can want her and your marriage to work, but if she's not interested in any of that, you're going to have to move forward.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Indeed she tried, but I was so addicted to those games that, I guess, I just brush off her complaints. It does not appear that she genuinely want to rebuild what we used to have. If she wants out, I will let her go without problems, not in my character. There is enough drama in life as it is. We split, we go our merry ways, remain "friends" for the sake of our daughter. She will take it hard enough as it is, without making her little life even harder. Wife will be happy to finally have what she has been trying to get for so long, and I will go on with my life. It's going to be a long and rough road for me, that I know for certain. I have been told many times, over the years, that I carry my heart on my shoulder.

It could be that she is playing the "OK, 6 month to fix the problems, then we'll see" card just to buy time until she is ready to make her move.

I just don't know, I'm hurt and devastated by this sudden situation that was rammed in my face, that I have a hard time thinking strait, let alone get a good night sleep. Only 2 hours last night.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> It could be that she is playing the "OK, 6 month to fix the problems, then we'll see" card just to buy time until she is ready to make her move.
> 
> I just don't know, I'm hurt and devastated by this sudden situation that was rammed in my face, that I have a hard time thinking strait, let alone get a good night sleep. Only 2 hours last night.


On your first point, yes that could very well be what it is. A time buyer. 6 months to get her ducks in a row. If she consented to counseling with you for that time, I would think differently. The fact is she's not interested in that. So during that 6 months what is her responsibility and commitment to you to make things better? You really don't have one.

I'm sorry you are hurting by this, and I'm sure you feel like you've been blindsided. I don't think your situation is that uncommon though... I've been in the position of your wife at one time. Years of trying and being ignored or dismissed finally take a toll and you just give up. When your partner gets the message (usually you telling them you're out) then they suddenly 'hear' what you have to say and want to fix it. They just don't realize that you've greived the relationship and it's end for a long time by the time you say you've had enough. Too long to turn right around and give it 1 more chance in a lot of cases.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Sorry things are still not going well... I hope that you were able to get a better night's sleep last night. Another book that came to mind is _Love Must be Tough_. Hope this helps!


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Well friends, it's definitely over between us, as a couple, as a family.  Thank you all for your comments and compassion.

Yesterday, I had my appointment with my MD and got my prescription of Viagra. I explained the whole situation to him and he took the time explain the various treatments available, so he choose the Viagra route as a first step to try to fix the sex issue. He was very compassionate of my situation.

When my wife came home, she saw the boxes sitting on the kitchen counter. Her first question was "How much did you pay for this?"

After dinner, she started the discussion about our situation and said that this past week-end she had time to think over our relationship and current situation. We went away, as a family, for a short 2 day trip, just to change the scenery and environment, so she would have time to think without me bringing up any discussion about our situation. That was a complete failure. She had time to think indeed, but not with the outcome I was still hoping.

She told me that it would be very hard for her to try to work on "my" problem when she has absolutely no physical desire for me, let alone having an emotional attachment to me. She said she cares for me, she likes me as a relative as I am the closest thing she has as family here in North America (all of her family and relatives are in Russia).

Then she asked again, as she did last week, if I would forgive her if she would sleep with another man. I gave her the response as I did the previous times she asked me. There is no way that I could accept that she would jump the marriage boundaries and forgive her if she would cheat and betray me with another man. Well, this time, she did not trow a brick in my face, she dropped a bomb on me. She told me, very calmly, that about 8 months ago, she slept with a man she met on one of those dating web sites. Apparently a one time thing, so she says. This man's residence was conveniently located downtown, near where she works. She said she did not have any more contact with him afterward. 

Well, whether there was one or more encounters, is all irrelevant now. She cheated and betrayed me, the point of no return has been reached for me. This occurred between the New Year and when we went to Cuba for our first ever family winter getaway. 

I was so upset after she told me this, I started to loose my cool and was shouting at her. I told her that she made me sick to the stomach, that she should be ashamed of herself, because I would have never, ever do to her what she did to me. I even called her a ****... (I was wrong in telling her that, isn't? We never ever used name calling since we have been together.) I know she is not, and I know why she did it. She was hungry and she went to get the food she needed. I was hurt and wanted to hurt her too.

I am even more hurt than last week, I am crushed, devastated. Was not able to sleep at all last night. To much pain, emotions all messed up, my mind running in circle all night.

So, now we will be splitting up, that is definite, after we sell the house, which could take some time. Our priority will be the well being of our little one and her needs. Poor thing, she was so confused last evening, it pained me so much. She has no idea of what is coming, and she is such a smart and loving child.

She admits that it will be hard for her financially as she earns about 30% less than me. She admits that she has/had a nice stable and comfortable life together, but she says she needs to be alone as she wants to live instead of simply existing. I asked her to define the difference between the two, so I could understand better what she means. She could not give me a clear answer. So, I still don't know exactly what she meant by that.

Am I wrong in telling her that I could never forgive her for cheating on me? Am I wrong in telling her that I could never go back with her after what happened? Am I wrong in telling her I could never have another intimate relation with her after she's been with another man?

She said that she would be forgiving if the roles would have been reversed. She's saying that I don't really love her, but see her as my property, because if I really love her, I would be forgiving for what she did. She also said that if she really was the love of my life, as I told her often, she said it would be eazy to do, therefore she is not that much the love of my life as I have told her.


Somehow, I just don't know or see how I could forgive and forget. Am I wrong in thinking that way? I am so confused and hurt...

Seems like every day there is something new to put salt in the wounds and increase the pain levels. For the last few days, I have been feeling like all of this is just a bad dream and that I will wake up soon...

Thank you for reading my miserable story...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry you're going through this Hamster. The writting was on the wall as you've been fighting to keep this together for some time - I understand from you earlier post.

Don't let her convince you to forgive her...why should you? She has made it clear she is no longer attracted to you or in love with you and to top it off betrayed the marriage. You are entitled to however you feel.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Thanks for the encouragement.

Now that I know it's over and there is no coming back to the beautiful story we had together, aside from going to therapy sessions, how the heck am I supposed to prevent loosing my marbles?
When will life get "normal" again?
When will the pain go away?
When will I be able to sleep normally again?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think she slept with more men. She just was testing the waters with the one guy one time thing confession to see how you react. You will find more sooner or later. Don't even think of reconciling without getting the full truth from her. (Tell her you might think of reconciling if you get the full truth. That you bear more betrayals but not more lies. One more lie and that there will be no chance for you two together. Then ask her for a polygraph)

No you are not wrong in not willing t0 forgive her or move on. what she did was incredibly cruel and severe abuse of trust. It depends on you whether to forgive or reconcile


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

The chances of reconciliation are nil now. She said her mind was made up and wanted to be alone.

Yesterday, after she told me about this one guy escapade, I told her that whether it was a one guy/one time thing, or 10 or 25 guys, it made no difference now, she was a slvt and nothing could motivate me enough to even think of "touching" her again. She has crossed the boundaries of marriage, cheated and betrayed me, one time too many. Told her she should be ashamed of herself for doing that. She made her bed, she will now have to sleep in it.

I need to come to terms with the situation and make the best of it, for the sake of the little one. On the other hand, she is upset that I spied on her. But my intent was to find evidence to my suspicions, I have no intention of using any info against her in any way. I told her I was done spying because I found what I was looking for, her on-line flirting and attempts to find some "interesting" party for her games.

I just wish I could fall asleep quickly, and sleep until morning. Sigh...

By the way, around here, a private polygraph is around 3K dollars. :/


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No, the polygraph thing was more about her reactions.Her reaction to the suggestion will give you enough information you need(and maybe a drive to the parking lot). Look, you are in the anger phase now. You might change your mind a few weeks down the line or not. 


Also, just make sure the verbal abuse doesn't become a habit when ever you see or talk to her. Don't let her make you a lesser man.


I would suggest that you post in the Coping with Infidelity section. You will get more and better suggestions there


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

she's only admitting to the 1 time...if she did it once,i guarantee there was more.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

I did suggest that, I asked her "If you're now telling the truth, would you mind going for a polygraph?"

Her response was "Sure, set up an appointment and we can both take it". Not sure if she was just jesting, but I know that I do not have any fear of taking it. She knows that it's 3K dollars per person, 6K dollars total, so maybe she counted on the fact that it is a HUGE amount of money to spend, considering that her mind is all made up.

About the name calling, that was the very first time I called her name, never have in all the time we have been together. Yesterday, I apologized for it.

As suggested, I will check out the infidelity section.

Yesterday, as we were still discussing the situation, she pointed out that I was still being my usual negative self. I asked her "How the heck am I supposed to fell when my wife tells me that she betrayed me, cheated on me and slept with another man???" With a smirk, she told me "You should be happy that your wife had a good time, felt like a woman and enjoyed herself!". Again, she floored me, she could have just said nothing instead of hurting me again with that statement. She also started to talk about the 7 year itch, blah, blah, blah... According to her, most people can only stay with the same partner for about 7 years or so.

Now that I have my supply of Viagra, yesterday I though we could work on what is the main issue, from the initial discussion. No dice, not interested. Said that she has no emotional or physical interest on me. She only loves me as a relative. So, that was a waste of money and got humiliated again.

So, yeah, I think this is definitely over and there is no coming back. I am at the end of my rope trying to salvage what we used to have, as she probably has something ongoing or in the works.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Now that I have my supply of Viagra, yesterday I though we could work on what is the main issue, from the initial discussion. No dice, not interested. Said that she has no emotional or physical interest on me. She only loves me as a relative. So, that was a waste of money and got humiliated again.


Why do you keep trying? You set yourself up for this last bout of humiliation if you came at her again after her telling you how she felt.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Yes I did, not going to happen again. As I said earlier, I am paying a hefty price for my mistake, and this was my last attempt, the last stand. I'm done.

Now have to start working on my healing and regain the zest for life I used to have, for my sake and that of my little one.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

I'm trying to be optimistic and positive, but I cannot help having this feeling, inside my stomach, of something eating me alive. I am so devastated, lonely and no one to talk with over here. All morning I had teary eyes, but now, I just keep on crying and crying... Just thinking of all of the beautiful plans we had for the future, that I destroyed with those silly games. Thinking if only I could go back in time... I really loved her with all my heart and soul... Sorry if I sound boring... I just need someone to talk to, but I have no one but me, and this site to share my situation.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Hamster - You both screwed up and made a mess of your marriage. I'm not excusing her affair. She should have left you once she decided that she was done with the marriage rather than start cheating. However, my ex was also addicted to online games and I know how painful that is as well. It took a long time for her to feel so rejected that she lost all love, trust and respect for you and now you for her. At this point, just try to focus on finding some new activities to keep you occupied, take care of your little girl and learn from your mistakes so that you will do better next time.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Yes, you are correct, we both screwed up because of my stupidity, because I woke up too late. At this point in time, I have no desire and no interest, whatsoever, to get involved with another woman. Too much grief and pain I guess.

The latest update, on our situation, following yesterday and today's earlier discussion, she is looking for an apartment and is planning on moving out of the house on Sept or Oct 1st. This will be best for me as I am the one hurting the most. She says she is too, but I presently have a hard time believing anything she says. She says she needs this, even for 6 months or a year, so she can sort out what she wants in life. She may also be going through her mid-life crisis, I don't know. She even said that if she realises that her life is with me, then she may want to come back. Like hell she is!!!! I know what she wants to do during her time "alone". Just today, I found a new profile of her, quite by accident as I was just looking what kind of women were posting on match.com. When I told her and showed her, she had no choice but to admit she was lying about not having a new profile on a dating site. How could I ever believe and trust her again? 

I sort of forgiven her supposedly one time fling with the one guy, but knowing what she wants to do, no way I will take her back. She can do what she wants with her life, not my problem anymore. At this point, I don't give a hoot anymore. I will remain civilized, in our interaction, because of the little one, but that's it. I tried as much as I could, was willing and ready to do whatever was needed to redeem myself and make ammend for my mistake, but I'm at the end of my rope.

Time to look after my salvation and appreciate my daugther while I can. Life is too short and time flies by too quickly.

Thanks to everyone who provided their opinions and advice, it was extremely appreciated in my time of need!

It's now time to heal and get some sleep, didn't sleep again last night. Time to take care of myself and the little one.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

H2,
How long ago was it - that your physical relationship with her was GOOD? 

How long ago was it that you two consistently had FUN being together and went out of your way to pay attention to each other and be nice?



Hamster2 said:


> Greetings everyone! After spending some time reading here and there, I decided to register and see if I can get some advice to help me/us out. Please, try not to be to harsh on me after reading my life summary below.
> 
> Here goes...
> 
> ...


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Mem...

Until about the time our daughter was born, or just shortly before.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

H2,
If you really have decided it's over I will depart your thread. If you are considering a recon - I will gladly chime in. Though I will warn you in advance - I don't subscribe to the notion you can park your spouse alone in a virtual corner of the house for an extended period of time and have any comfort at all that when you finally decide to pay them a visit, they won't have found a playmate to keep them occupied.




Hamster2 said:


> Mem...
> 
> Until about the time our daughter was born, or just shortly before.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

If you have read this whole thread, you will see that I have explained my mistake, acknowledged with her that I was wrong. Since my awakening, I have tried to do what I could to have her consider a reconciliation, but at this point in time, it is futile as she is emotionally and physically detached from me, no interest whatsoever. She sees me as a relative, the only one she has in North America.

As for your playmate statement, she admitted to the one one-time/one-guy fling, probably were more I don't know, that I have sort of forgiven because I caused it. But it appears that her mind is set on finding as many sex buddies as she can. She has a profile on 5 different dating sites, of which 2 are for illicit/sex only meetings. Plus she was lying in my face when I had evidence of her actions, even yesterday evening. What's a guy to do when the wife has given up? We'll try her 6 to 12 month separation, me in the house, her in an apartment not too far from here. The little one is starting kindergarten in 2 weeks, she is our priority. At the end of her "alone time" we will re-assess the situation.

I know I messed up real bad, but I don't know what else I could have tried to save our marriage, our relationship and our family. You know, it's kind of ironic that our wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Another point she brought up yesterday evening, while discussing a possible reconciliation after the "break", was "If I find the man I married, we may get back together".

As I posted earlier, at this point in time, I have no desire to get back with her for the various reasons I indicated. But.... She got me to think about that statement. I suppose a good night sleep also helps. 

After reading the first post in the link below, found in another thread here, I was surprised to find that I went from alpha to beta male. How the heck did that ever happened? :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


On Dominance


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Well, you will never get back the wife you married. You seem to like humiliation


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## Devin G. (Aug 17, 2012)

So did she marry you to become a US citizen? No matter how much time you spent playing video games, she shouldn't have used that for an excuse to cheat. She stopped loving you the minute she cheated. If you forgive and forget she will just do it again. I feel so bad for your little girl. She is the true victim here.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Warlock

I agree with you, where is the wife I married? And no, like everyone else, I don't like humiliation. I am just a guy who realized his mistakes and was still looking at ways to save the family life. But the pain and damages are done and there is no going back. She's moving out on Sept. 01 and that's that. At the end of her lease, even if she thinks that she now knows what she wants in life and that I am now "good enough" for her, it will not happen, and the house will go up for sale before.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Devin,

No, she did not. She was committed in the relationship from the start. We're in Canada by the way, she received her citizenship 2 years after she got here.

Well, the game addiction lasted 4 years or so, where I was totally consumed by them.

In any case, it is best for both of us to go our merry ways, although we will always be in touch, weekly, because of the little one. She will be able to go out and date as much as she want without me being in the way, and, in time, I will be able to heal and recover from the pain and humiliation.

As you mention, the little one is the true victim here, and it pains me a lot knowing that it will chatter her little world. She is such a loving, happy and playful child.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

so she tells you that in 6 months or so,if she sees you as the man she married then she might come back? what she's really saying is"after i ride some other peckers and get this outta my system " hamster let her go,believe me she already has men lined up to boink.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Unless the separation is a requirement for divorce in your province, go straight to divorce. That's alpha.

Have you read MMSL or Roissy?


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

67flh - 

That's exactly my thought. She is currently in contact with a few guys, from posting her profile on various dating sites. So, that's her "life plan", from what I can see. Get laid by as many men as she can, to get it out of her system (said she was h0rny all the time), or until she finds a suitor she likes. If all else fails, then go back to hamster, he said I was the love of his life. The sucker will take me back with open arms and roll out the red carpet. Right...

The other day, she said something along the lines of "I have to do this now, if not I will always regret not doing it". WTH does she want in life? She's a 43 y.o. woman, not some teenager who just discovered her sexuality.

Get this, she has to get up at 5:30AM to prepare to go to work. Last night, she stayed up until 11:30PM, chatting with guys on some web site. I have no idea where as I have stopped spying on her. Today, she returns from work, has her dinner then went to rest on the bed, like she did yesterday. If she does the same, she will get up around 8:00PM, after the little one is in bed sleeping, then make herself a tea and get on the computer to do more of the same. 

She cannot access some of her dating site accounts from work as some are blocked.

I just don't care anymore what she does. I am detaching myself from her, painfully, but I will get over her. My priority now is my daughter and me.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Machiavelli,

Separation is fine for now as it suits both of us until next year. Even if we divorce, we will never get rid of one another due to the little one. We will remain on friendly terms because of the child, but nothing more than that.


No idea what is MMSL or Roissy.

The only Roissy I know is the airport in Paris.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hamster2 said:


> No idea what is MMSL or Roissy.
> 
> The only Roissy I know is the airport in Paris.


This stuff won't help you today, but it will pay big time in your future relationships, both long and short-term.

Roissy A blog about the true sexual nature of women.

Married Man Sex Life Blog and book on how to use the above knowledge to maximize male happiness in marriage and keep the wife from jumping the reservation.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Wow! Roissy is a real eye opener. Thanks!!!  

Saved the links and will read Roissy until I have it all memorized.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hamster2 said:


> Wow! Roissy is a real eye opener. Thanks!!!
> 
> Saved the links and will read Roissy until I have it all memorized.


Alphagame is another great one. Here's a quote from my namesake.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Hello everyone, just wanted to post a brief update on what's happening here. Since my last post, there has been very little change in the situation here.

- She has found an apartment, not too far from here for the little one's sake, and will be moving out for October 01. She really likes this apartment and was even telling me "I really like the place, don't be angry with me, please"...

- Yesterday evening, during a conversation, she finally admitted that she had been seeing that one guy once a month since last fall, he was too busy to see him more often (probably too busy messing around with other men's wife), but she has not heard from him in a while (whatever that means time wise)... I knew she was lying when this whole thing blew up in my face. The odd thing, although I was ticked off after she fessed up, is that I did not feel any bout of anger or rage. I was just ticked off.

I guess my healing/recovery is progressing as I did not loose sleep over it last night, and had a pretty restful sleep. Even all those mental pictures (that were haunting me, day in, day out) of what she has done with that p&%@k are slowly fading away, as in "I don't give a hoot anymore". Been reading a lot of psychology sites concerning betrayal and recovery after it. It helps a lot to get my thoughts and emotions in perspective so that I can better sort out things.

I could probably go on rambling about this, but it gets boring after a while I guess.

Have a good day all!


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Last evening, we had another "beat a dead horse" conversation that she initiated because she is concerned that I look so depressed. Concerned? Really?

To make a long story short, she said she really has no idea how I feel at the moment. More or less, what she said was something along the lines of: 

"It's in the past for me, it's ancient history, it was only sex. Why won't you just forget about it and move on, look forward to the future? Why won't you get over it? It's in the past!" Of course, she spent some time trying to justify what she did by shifting all the blame on me.

She really has no idea of what I am going through at the moment. Perhaps for her it's ancient history, but for me it happened 2-3 weeks ago...


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## Incognito007 (Sep 2, 2012)

Hamster2 said:


> Even if we divorce, we will never get rid of one another due to the little one. We will remain on friendly terms because of the child, but nothing more than that.


I hope you can remain on friendly terms due to your child. My parents divorced when I was very young and they were NEVER on friendly terms after that. I think my father took his bitterness to the grave. Then I have had friends whose parents were divorced who seemed to get along just fine, they just didn't do well married to one another. I wish you the best of luck and based on what you have written it sounds like you are overcoming your obstacles. I can only hope that when it really comes time, I can show the same strenght that you and others on these forums have shown!


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Incognito,

I grew up in a constant war zone at home, literally, father was a physical abuser and mother had the temper of a hurricane. All 3 of us children had to go through all that crap, being torn between the 2, we could not understand why all the drama was constantly going on. Now I understand, father was a repetitive cheater and mother was trying to bring him to his sense.

We both agree that, albeit our differences and misconduct, our main priority is the well being of our little daughter. Yes, she will have a hard time understanding because she is so young, but at least both mom and dad will be there for her. I know that separation/divorce is traumatizing for kids, they are always the real victim of the adults' games...


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

One more thing, I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still dealing with a lot of emotions and I am forcing myself to not make any major or life changing decisions at this time... I could regret it later on.

But the bulk of the anger, confusion and anxiety is dwindling down. It will be a long road to recover, that's for sure.

If/when you are faced with a similar situation, you WILL, deep within you, find the courage, energy and willpower to do what has to be done, especially if you have children. It is a must, for your salvation


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> "It's in the past for me, it's ancient history, it was only sex. Why won't you just forget about it and move on, look forward to the future? Why won't you get over it? It's in the past!"



WTH??? Even the OM dumped her. She is a nut case!!


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Warlock,

Not really. She said that the guy was only good for sex, nothing else. The chap has relationship issues and is not dating/BF/marriage material. Only good for sex. So who knows for sure. For her, it seems, the only thing that mattered was to get a good lay once in a while. 

She's moving out at the end of the month and she said that she's now looking for a BF. She did remove her despicable profiles from AffairHotel and GetItOn. But who really can tell where else she advertised herself for "sex only", NSA meetings... 

The earlier she is out of my face, the quicker I will be able to deal with my situation, start to heal and move on forward with my life.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you looking to date again ?


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Hell no!!  Not ready for that yet, too much baggage at the moment, need to put my life in order first before I even consider it. Would not be fair to the other party.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Can you say POST NUP. I'd take custody of the kiddo, take the house and make her sign a post nup document. She has absolutely NO remorse what so ever. She doesn't deserve you p!ssing on her if she were on fire.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

A small update on what's happening here...

She's moving into her small apartment on October 01.

No chance of reconciliation, ever, as I suspect she is still seeing her f*ck buddy. The other day, the issue came up during discussion.

I posted this in the "coping with infidelity" sub forum...

During a conversation about the issue, I asked her how did she do it, to go to the pr!ck's condo and I never saw anything. I told her I needed to know so that, in the future, I don't get blindsided again. Her response was, more or less, I can try to help you as much as I can, I can tell as much as I can, but that information, I will never tell you.

So, my gut feeling is that she is still seeing her f*ck buddy and don't give a sh!t about my feelings or need to heal.

From the 180 list, she is not a need, she was a I want. Don't want her anymore and she can rot in hell for all I care.

Life really sucks at times...


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

After reading the 180 list recently, I started to follow the instructions.

In the last few days, I have received books from amazon and she has seen me reading. Yesterday evening, she sits in the living room, then after a few moments, asks me what kind books I had purchased. My response was... "Books". She let go a long sigh, got up and went to the computer room.

She must puzzled that I no longer have the long face of sadness and pain showing. I spend more time entertaining the little one, do things for myself. Gym 3x times a week now. Some days are better than others, but generally, my days are okay. Still have a bit of anxiety and anger at times, but I find something to keep me busy, to keep it under control.

Reading a lot of books on infidelity recovery helps a lot too.

I finally have my first appointment with a therapist. Even if it is late in October, the help and guidance will still be of tremendous value.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

I have decided to inform her family in Russia. The letter is gone for translation and as soon as I get it, I will email it to my brother-in-law. This way, they will really see her for what she is.

Anyone want to give their opinion/views about me sending them the letter?

Thanks!


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Yesterday, our separation was legalized, and she sends me this email yesterday evening. What's the point of it, it's too late now.

--------------------------------------
Hi, I just feel so ****ty today.. I wanted to let you know that I appreciate everything you have done for me.. I guess the fact I am buying a house has some strange affect on me.. I just hope you will forgive me for what I have done to you and that you will be able to forgive me one day.. Lately I really miss time we spent together and I do not know how we lost the love we had at the beginning.. The reason I left you because I though our relationships had become dysfunctional and I didn't feel the same joy as at the beginning. Probably you are right , it was mainly my fault that I turn my back to you instead of trying to fix it.... And I fully accept that responsibility..You told me I never told you I loved you, yes, I did love you. My fault as well that I was nagging you too much and that is why you became so irritable..
In any way, I wist we could turn the clock back and had that feeling we had at the start of our marriage..
If you cannot forgive me, I will accept responsibility for my acts.. I hope we still will stay in good terms. I just feel extremely lonely today and I don't like that feeling..
-------------------------------------------------

What is everyone's opinion on her email?


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## Incognito007 (Sep 2, 2012)

Hamster,

My first opinion is "Wow! She has accepted responsibility!". In my case, only I have accepted any responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. To this day, my wife has yet to accept any responsibility, let alone, try to fix the relationship. Our divorce is supposed to be final a week from next Monday.

It sounds like she is having regrets for leaving you and may still be quite conflicted as to what she wants. However, taking responsibility is only 1 step. The next step is correcting the behavior that led to the problems in the first place.

My last opinion is about her hope that you can stay on good terms. My wife wanted an amicable divorce. I didn't want to get divorced and worked to try to save our marriage. However, eventually I saw that I was the only one taking the steps necessary to save the marriage so I offered to give my wife the divorce she asked for. At first things were amicable but my wife had a tendency to say one thing to me and something completely different to her attorney. It eventually got to the point where her story kept changing and changing and we eventually had a falling out where she left the house. Since that day she has not spoken to me, let alone look at me whenever we were in court or the mediator. If I could give you any advice, it would be to not trust her and make sure you hire an attorney that is a bigger DB than her attorney. I hired a nice guy because he knew my wife's attorney and we were on amicable terms. I figured he would be able to facilitate a quick resolution to the matter. Boy was I wrong! I should have hired the attorney that had me in tears when I left his office because he was brutal when speaking about my wife. He would have cost me more but would have probably done much more to protect my interests that my attorney did.

Make sure you are protecting yourself first and foremost. And yes, you should forgive your wife. As a friend told me one day, you should forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. Otherwise, the bitterness will eat you up!

Anyways, these are just my opinions. You will know better than any of us what is best for you!


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Indeed, I was very surprised that she finally took responsibility for her part in the breakup of our marriage. Up to a few months ago, she was still saying that she was justified and had done nothing wrong... I had acknowledged my part in this mess right from the start, after discovering what she had been doing since early 2011.

Forgiveness? It makes it easier for me to consider it, now that she is taking responsibility and acknowledges her part. It was literally eating me up, killing me softly, that she refused to see what she had done.

The legal separation agreement includes all the important stuff about the little one and my interests. The divorce will just be a formality, submit the petition and the court will review the separation agreement. Once satisfied that the little one's needs and well being are all covered and stated, it will just be a matter of finalizing the the divorce decree.

Trust her? I don't think I will ever be able to trust her again, except for minor things maybe. There are no possibility of us getting back together. She hurt me too much and almost destroyed me. For the longest time, I thought I was loosing my mind, I thought I was dying, physically and emotionally. What she put me through was the second worse experience in my life, the first one was when my first daughter passed away, unexpectedly, at the age of 4.5 year old.

Where my life is heading now? I have no idea, except I am going somewhere with my little one, one day at a time.  Instead of thinking that "she" had destroyed, ruined my life, I instead look at it as she messed up everything but I am sorting it all out now, have a new start and have a new direction. I bought "her" half of the house, less actually, and keeping the house for me and the little one. This is my baby's home and will do all I can to keep it and ensure she can have a good life here. Her school is not far from here and all her friends are there too. But, man is it ever a lot of work to maintain a big place like this, inside and out! I never stop!! LOL  

Well, if anyone else has other opinion or comment, it would be welcomed.


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## r0r0bin (Jul 13, 2013)

Good for you not forgiving her, no need. they(cheating woman) deserve no forgiveness. I am sure you will be happy in your life, games is far more worthy than a cheating woman.


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## Incognito007 (Sep 2, 2012)

Hamster2 said:


> Up to a few months ago, she was still saying that she was justified and had done nothing wrong... I had acknowledged my part in this mess right from the start, after discovering what she had been doing since early 2011.


My wife still believes all the fault in the breakdown of our marriage lies with me. When we started therapy almost a year ago, the first couple months were all focused on me and the corrections I should make to save the marriage. Since I was the one determined to save it, the initial responsibility was all on me. As our therapist saw the progress I was making, he noticed my wife was not reciprocating anything. I was correcting many of the issues she pointed out. Yet, once progress was made, all she would do would come up with another issue. She really had no intention on fixing the relationship. Eventually our therapist had to call her out on on. He told her that she had deep emotional issues that were much older than me and that even if she leaves me, her problems go with her. He suggested she do some solo therapy and even recommended a therapist she felt she would have a lot in common with. Reluctantly she eventually started solo therapy but it didn't seem like it changed her point of view at all. Our therapist eventually had to tell us that he had taken us as far as he could as a couple. I continued to still see him on a solo basis and my wife would periodically see her therapist. However, still to this day, my wife still puts all the blame on me. She never accepts any of the blame for her actions. Truth is, we were both at fault for the breakdown. Very rarely is it just one person who is totally to blame for a marriage ending.



Hamster2 said:


> Forgiveness? It makes it easier for me to consider it, now that she is taking responsibility and acknowledges her part. It was literally eating me up, killing me softly, that she refused to see what she had done.


Like I said, forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace. With peace, this will not eat you up or kill you softly. Believe me, I can completely empathize and sympathize with how you feel because I still feel like that at times. I disagree with r0r0bin. They don't believe a cheating woman deserves to be forgiven. This goes back to my point about forgiving them regardless if they deserve it or not. You are forgiving them for YOU! I am sure it will be harder for you because this woman will always be in your life. My wife and I don't have any children so for us, when it is over, it's over. If you are finding it difficult to achieve this forgiveness, perhaps therapy could help you here. In the long run I am sure it will make you a happier person. I don't know where I would be today without my therapist!



Hamster2 said:


> She hurt me too much and almost destroyed me. For the longest time, I thought I was loosing my mind, I thought I was dying, physically and emotionally.


I know buddy! I still feel like this sometimes. I sometimes even throw all the blame on myself sometimes due to the mistakes I made during our marriage. My therapist constantly reminds me that it takes 2 people to maintain a marriage and when one breaks down, there is enough blame to go around to both parties. He reminds me to be kinder to myself when I start trying to shoulder all the blame. Truth is, regardless of all the motivational things we read, we can't just snap our fingers and all our problems melt away. It takes time to heal these wounds. Every day we get better. We still have bouts were we feel down but over time the duration between these bouts becomes longer and longer and the bouts themselves became less and less severe.



Hamster2 said:


> I instead look at it as she messed up everything but I am sorting it all out now, have a new start and have a new direction.


And the new start is key in my opinion. That is exactly how I am looking at my divorce. I am currently in the house but we are attempting to short sell it. Honestly, I really don't like coming home to the house where we started our lives together but I didn't have a choice. She just left one day leaving me in the house with 2 dogs and 1 cat. My mindset is on starting a new life someplace else with my "family". 

I wish you the best of luck and am sorry you have had to go through what you are going through.


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