# In laws Stress



## doofimus (Jul 25, 2017)

I'll do my best to explain the situation.

My wife and I have discussed moving out of the area. We are in a mid sized metro in the Midwest. We haven't explicitly disclosed this to anyone in the family. It's her family here - her brothers and parents live in the area - my family (siblings, dad etc) is all pretty well remote. My wife and I also discussed taking a 'year off' from what seems the obligatory Thanksgiving and Christmas meals/get-togethers. We hadn't disclosed this with family as we knew it was a touchy subject. Mother and Father in law seem to have a huge part of their identities tied to their ability to be central figures in the family, from my observation.

There has been a bit of tension between in laws and us, mainly (from our end) driven by privacy concerns. My wife is not nearly as open with her in laws since our relationship started, mostly at my request - as we've been pursuing business interests and were not sure of whether the in laws would be supportive early on, and I didn't want to risk what effect they may have on her (and therefore us). My wife grew up in the area and has never left for an extended period of time. She recognizes that some life experience away from home would be a positive thing.

At times the family culture strikes me as a bit closed and unwelcoming. It's not by design, but can be. However, both mother and father in law are extremely gracious and kind hosts.

Recently we were given feedback, by father and mother in law - expressed as a 'concern.' We were told that our 1 year old son has been observed at times with a poopy diaper, and with some residual food deposits on his shirt(s), and in his carrier/carseat. This feedback came with assurance that we love him and that 'we don't answer to them' etc. There is some validity to the expressed concern, however it came with an ask/offer: to babysit. We have explicitly turned down (or not replied) to previous offers to babysit. My first thought was that the 'concern' observation was a bit of a red herring/passive aggressive behavior to get something they want - time with our son, and furthering their desire to be publicly viewed as central figures in the family. The other part that was a bit distressing was that we were given feedback supposedly ALSO voiced by brothers-in-laws, by our mother and father in law. In other words, we were hearing things second hand.

Since then, we have reached out to the brothers in law and communicated our desire to get any of this feedback directly from them in the future. One explicitly understood and committed, the other communicated some understanding but hedged in saying that current communication styles were habitual so it may not be easy to adjust.

It is not clear whether what was communicated from our brothers in laws was sought after/solicited by our mother/father in laws with a greater goal/agenda in mind.

I think I'm just looking for some perspective. The in laws are good people, however I'm feeling somewhat encroached upon. The offer for my father in law to baby sit is not bad on its surface, but there is the fear that the closer with the in laws that we get, and the more visibility they have into our lives, the more of this kind of behavior there will be....


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