# How to deal with this, or should I even bother?



## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

So where to start. Its hard to sum eveerything up into a post. Im 28 and was married in this past April. Never had a honey moon. Work responsibilities on both our parts didnt really allow for it. I have one 7 year old daughter from a past relationship, and she absolutely adores my husband. 

My husband travels ALOT for work, and is on average back for 4 days a month if we are lucky. When we first got together, which was at the very end of 2009, he had more local contracts and was home very often. Ive always been very independent and was ok with this set up as long as he continued his promise to always try to make me feel loved, cherished, special etc. We fell head over heels and the beggining was great (six months ish), which most relationships are, then we started fighting. 

Things escalated to the point where I cried (and im not a crier) and we both would say some vicious things to eachother. We both startedto take eachother for granted. He was caught in lies a few times, and I was at times too absorbed in taking care of the things in my life. And he even said he didnt love me on our anniversary, among other things Of course he apologized and felt bad and all that. Instead of leaving I stayed, as this man did have some very great qualities and I did love him. 

Anyways so we married in April, and by end of July I found out through a friend (who he had randomly met on a dating/hook up website, that my husband was cheating on me and had plans to meet and [email protected] her. It didnt happen and when she put two and two together she let me know, even though she was embarrassed for being on that kind of site herself. I really do respect her for doing the right thing despite how it may have made her look in my eyes. Needless to say I was devasted, as I was clueless, and to boot this all happened on one of his short visists home. Instead of focusing his limited time on the family he was online trying to have sex with others. He did not know I knew this other person obviously, but hey we have all heard "its a small world" . 

I had my sister tell him not to return home, and thankfully my daughter was going to her fathers that weekend, and she was shielded from the immediate situation. I could not speak to him and just asked him to leave me alone, which he did not comply with, and tried to explain himself and beg forgiveness etc. I was not ready to hear this and was just soo upset that he had done that to me and couldnt even respect my request to be left alone right then. The he left for work. He swears it was all just fantasy talk and he never met anyone or actually slept with anyone, but I mean I read the emails my friend sent me, and it seemed like there were serious intentions to meet. He wiped his computer and phone and I have no way of knowing the truth, just his word to rely on, which at this point doesnt mean a whole lot to me.

He sent flowers etc, which I gave away to coworkers to bring to their wives, and he basically deposited about 1500 overall for me to use to try and make myself feel better/help with bills. So yes I spent that money, I had a couple nites out with my ladies, had a wonderful time in Niagara Falls with my daughter (very expensive when you do all the attractions). Our conversations were very limited, as he is gone for work, and I dont feel much like acting like things are fine and have normal phone conversations. 

I asked him to get counselling, he went twice and says it wont work for him, and he would rather pay down the bills instead of investing in counselling now, and actually gives me **** about spending that money he deposited for me during all this. He literally had the audacity to tell me he would rather pay down his credit card bill which he spent over 500 on flowers on. Like I asked him to do that? It really does upset me thinking about it. 

He has been back from work three times since this all happened, where he stayed at his sisters. I did have him come around for my daughter's sake, and still till this day she knows no different because he is always gone for work anyways. My reasoning of not letting her know about the situation is because I want to sheild her from anything until I make the decision to leave the marriage or to stay. No need getting her worried if it will work out. Well thats my stance anyways. 

My husband seemed very sorry for about a month, now he doesnt even feel sorry in my opinion.. Because he hasnt laid his head at home he says he doesnt see whats worth fighting for. And he sees this as my fault. Maybe it is? In reality Its like he has "been here" since this happened less than a couple of weeks. I dont feel any better. Im still hurt, and angry, and generally have felt like crap since this. Nothing to gain my trust has happened etc. 

Im a pretty good actor and just put on an act for others, cuz I hate feeling like the bloody fool I look like. We are back to arguing and he is telling me things wrong with me. Dont get me wrong I am hot headed, and will argue too, but really? 

I know I have a part in this relationship, and Im not perfect, which he always tells me I think I am, but I know I have flaws and there are areas to improve upon. I just dont know how to right now. Im still so angry and hurt and feel so small because of this. 

Looking back I can see many red flags, maybe we rushed into marriage, maybe I shouldnt have put up with certain things, maybe I could have done certian things differently as well, but the fact is, this is where I am in life right now. And I dont know what to do, or how to deal with things in a productive manner. We cant just up and go to counselling as he is not here much. Im hoping an outsider opinion may have insight or suggestions, pick up on something Im not seeing, basically any help.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well, it's not your fault. It was his decision to go outside the marriage.

The "your fault" line is actually part of the cheaters script...yes, this stuff plays out exactly like a script in almost all cases. What he is doing is blame shifting onto you to justify his own actions. I was told it was my fault too. 

Kicking him out was actually the best thing to do. Because if you swept it under the rug, that's basically a green light saying it doesn't matter.

He is the one tha cheated. He needs to do the heavy lifting if things are going to get better. Don't make him guilt you in dropping your boundaries, because that's really what he wants you to do. 

Wait for more responses. They will come. You will get great advise here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

Thats how I felt, that it would be like sweeping it under the rug. I think my husband is just thinking well its been two months...dispite him not being here and not doing anything to start the process of fixing this. Maybe he just doesnt want to.
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## Hurtsalot (Jul 31, 2011)

Ok...he went to counselling two times and now wont go? Does he think he is above getting help? Does he just not like the person he saw or? You need to decide the bare minimum of what you need him to do to start fixing things. If he doesnt do anything then you have your answer right there.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Well, it's not your fault. It was his decision to go outside the marriage.
> 
> The "your fault" line is actually part of the cheaters script...yes, this stuff plays out exactly like a script in almost all cases. What he is doing is blame shifting onto you to justify his own actions. I was told it was my fault too.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

I just got off the phone with my husband. He was hurtful and essentially said therapy isnt worth the money and he wont be broke because of this. He cares more about not having debt and saving for retirement then investing in therapy for himself. He doesnt agree with it and says it wont help. I dont even understand how he coukd say that. He isnt an uneducated poverty line struggling man. Its just hurts being treated like this.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, he's in for a rude surprise, then... Most divorce settlements cost more than most counseling...

C
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you find you wish to reconcile how do you plan to deal with him being gone for more than three weeks a month?
Part of regaining trust is being able to verify that he is being trustworthy.
I don't see how that will be possible with him completely out of your sight for such large tracts of time.
There's no way I could do that.

Also, it's unlikely this is the first hook up he's made.
With his being gone so often it's very likely it's happened before.

I would end it as he seems to be so unremorseful it's highly unlikely he'll get a new job that keeps him home.
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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

Pbear- I honestly never even thought of that. But it can be very true in many situations. 
Tacoma- I dont know how I would verify his behaviour. I know he was online doing this before. Yet he still insists it was just fantasy, which I still cant verify either way. Right now the fact he is unremorseful is the issue. Last night he said something so rude, and it was like he was blaming me. He mentioned about how I dont give oral ( which is true I find it demeaning when not done in a loving safe relationship). 

I think Im done though. The lack of regret/ sorrow is unacceptable seeing as I did offer him the chance to fix things.
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## Hurtsalot (Jul 31, 2011)

Wow thats cold. I hate to say it but I dont think he seems to want it to work if thats the way he is treating you. When someone hurts another they supposedly care about you would think they would try soo hard to make amends ( as much as possible anyways). Im sorry you are going through this. My husband also cheated on me. He is getting help on his own and we have started couples councilling. I see the light at the end of the tunnel for us. You will be ok, whatever happens. Just know that.
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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

Ty! I know Im a strong woman and will handle this whichever way it goes. Im glad ur husband sees you as being worth the work.
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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

There may be free alternatives such as a church leader or group if you/he don't mind going to church. Also, I've heard of people using a strong family member or friend that both parties trust to help them talk through issues. He needs to get some skin in the game though. I would also suggest he find a job where he can be around the family more often. I could not do a long distance marriage. I couldn't imagine not seeing my wife but for 4 days out of the month.


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

He wont change jobs for me. He had the job before me he says. He is anti church/ anti religion. I cant think of an unbiased third party we know unfortunately. Even though Im not religious and find fault in many religions I do respect the way some religions command husband and wife treat eachother. There is this one really uplifting Christian with a show on once a week and I love his advice on dealing with life. My husband is so opposed to it because its from a Christian he wont listen.
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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

Depite his feelings on Religion he really liked our reverend who married us. He does do councilling and states not a single couple he has married has divorced. Maybe he would be open to seeing him...if it could be arranged one weekend when he is home and the Rev isnt marrying/ working.
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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

If it were me, I would leave him. He is totally uninvested in your relationship. It means very little to him, if anything. The marriage should be number 1 priority in his life - and it's not. You can't force people to prioritize a marriage when they don't want to, for whatever reason.

It has nothing to do with you. As someone else said, that is typical of a cheater to say because they want to justify THEIR behavior. These problems wouldn't exist if it weren't for him.

I say run while you still can. There are other fish in the sea, as they say, and you can find someone who will be there for you and your daughter. Teach her how to be a strong woman, and find someone who respects you as a person and your marriage.


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

So last night he started messaging me. Pretty sincerely. He read something that made him realize something. All he keeps saying is I deserve better than then all that he is and things along those lines. He kept saying I deserved better but he would not say he would strive to be better himself. I asked him if he thought it better to divorce and he wouldnt directly answer me just say I deserve better. I have to accept I cant force someone to care/ prioritize as you Lydia have said.
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Whattodowiththis said:


> So last night he started messaging me. Pretty sincerely. He read something that made him realize something. All he keeps saying is I deserve better than then all that he is and things along those lines. He kept saying I deserved better but he would not say he would strive to be better himself. I asked him if he thought it better to divorce and he wouldnt directly answer me just say I deserve better. I have to accept I cant force someone to care/ prioritize as you Lydia have said.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WTDWT you need to stop asking him things and start telling him things.
Limbo is a horrible place to be.

1:He goes to counseling with you (If that`s what you require)
2: He gets a new job (This one is a deal breaker as there`s no way you can have trust without it)
3:Whatever else you need to regain faith in him.

Take some time to think about what you really need from him to get past this.
Do not compromise, a refusal of any of your terms is a deal breaker and waste no time getting a lawyer.

If I cheated on my wife I would do ANYTHING she required to begin healing ...ANYTHING!


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

You are absolutely right Tacoma. He should do anything I require. I will do more thinking but deep down I know Im less important than his job...or the money it equates to anyways. Ty for your input.
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Whattodowiththis said:


> You are absolutely right Tacoma. He should do anything I require. I will do more thinking but deep down I know Im less important than his job...or the money it equates to anyways. Ty for your input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you already know this then I`m sorry.

Do take the time to figure out what you need and give him the chance.

Dont let him manipulate you into thinking you`re being unreasonable with your requirements.
Remember he`s the one that put the two of you into this situation.

If he balks (as you think he will) remember that you need a man who makes you his first priority then leave him, heal, and find one.
Life is too short to be your lovers second best concern.


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

So I havent even heard from him and its now 10pm my time. Not even a quick message, but he was on fb and commented on someones status. 

Is it normal to go from completely sad and wanting it to work to such anger and back to sadness etc. I was truly sad/hurt till I say he was on fb, now Im just pissed off. And really what smart man really wants to piss off his wife deliberately if divorce is a viable possibility, with all the repercussions you hear of nowadays (not saying thats my intention at all), its just so stupid. And for being here, in the position, a mess... I feel stupid


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## Hurtsalot (Jul 31, 2011)

Oh my. Have you heard from him? And you are not stupid. You are human and sometimes it takes time to deal with your feelings.
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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

So he did contact me, and was trying to act like he was sorry and kept saying I deserve better. I told him he needs councilling or Im out. He would not agree so we have separated. 

I believe he is still contemplating getting himself councilling, but honestly it doesnt matter if he think I am going to award him more time to continue messing with my mind. It should be so easy. Yes I love you and will do what it takes. He instead is all about well what if it doesnt work, what if we really shouldnt be together, maybe we are not compatible etc. My response was Well what if the earth blew up tomorrow? I cant foresee the future, but that doesnt mean to not bother becuase there is no diffent end result.

So I have emotionally checked out. We are separated, My view is we will end up divorced. I cant cry anymore, I cant let his actions continue to pain me. I gave him months to make an effort to try and make this work after his dirty deeds came to light. At least I can say I tried. I gave the opportunity, I was invested in the marriage, it just wasnt meant to be. All I wanted was for him to try. And I couldnt even get that.


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