# What comes next? Feeling sad, scared, angry...you name it!



## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

I've been divorced for five months. I knew I was getting divorced for almost a year (March 1st, 2015 was the day the bomb was dropped on me).

I'm not here to assign blame or to trash my ex-wife. I don't know why she chose to do what she did. There was no infidelity. No abuse or neglect. We hit a rut. Life got hard. She decided to leave. I don't understand it and I'm not sure I ever will.

We have two children: a boy who is nearly six and a daughter who is 3-and-a-half. They are dealing with it the best they can. I know they are sad. They will say things to me like "daddy, I really miss you when we're staying with mommy" or "I really wish we could still be a whole family." I know they are feeling scared and anxious and insecure. I listen to their worries. I empathize. I tell them I miss them just as they miss me and that I also wish we could be a whole family again, but I am very careful to never take it further. I would never dream of saying anything bad about their mother. I just want them to know it is okay to express their feelings and their worries and that I understand.

I'm doing what I can to take care of myself. I've gotten myself back into shape physically. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I go out when I can (we split custody/placement 50/50). I try and get enough sleep and so on.

Yet, I'm constantly troubled. I really hurt. I feel like I'm still very much grieving the loss of the person I loved - the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My best friend. It really is painful. It is more painful because we cannot simply disengage from one another's lives because of our kids. 

We get along okay. I sometimes feel like she is a little too critical of me. She likes to scold. She likes to blame everyone else for her issues. We're doing okay as co-parents (I think). 

It just feels like every single day is still a struggle. I want to move on, but I also feel like I cannot move on. I'm exhausted mentally, physically, and spiritually by having to do all of this on my own. It feels like I'm either at work, running to the grocery store, playing with the kids (they are both still at an age where they want "hand's on" parenting/playing - and I am always happy to oblige). 

I'm constantly worrying about bills. I worry about what I cannot give them. I fixate on certain things. I work myself to the point of exhaustion. For instance, I don't have them tonight, so I will work until well after seven simply to make as much as I can. 

I just don't know what to do with myself these days. It is not all miserable. I still have fun. I still find enjoyment in the same things. I guess I just don't feel as carefree. I feel like I'm always on edge. I feel like I cannot truly relax because there is always something to worry about or to take care of.

I know this is my new reality and I hate it. I know it will change. I know it will get better, but while I am stuck between two worlds (my old life and my future life) it is scary and sad.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Things will get better. I have been where you are. Take life a day at a time. Do not be too hard on yourself. Focus on your self. It all sounds trite, but over time you will see - IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER!


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

I know it will. I guess it's just wanting things to feel "normal" again when I know it takes time to get back to normal. It's like I was just cruising through life - the big stuff was taken care of - and then suddenly life becomes a struggle again. I do completely agree with taking one day at a time. For me, sometimes it is hour-to-hour. I do tend to be hard on myself. I think too much. I know I need to "heal" myself before I can get past this.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

WreckTangle said:


> I know it will. I guess it's just wanting things to feel "normal" again when I know it takes time to get back to normal. It's like I was just cruising through life - the big stuff was taken care of - and then suddenly life becomes a struggle again. I do completely agree with taking one day at a time. For me, sometimes it is hour-to-hour. I do tend to be hard on myself. I think too much. I know I need to "heal" myself before I can get past this.


I don't really like what you are saying. I understand what you are saying as I have been there. Exactly there! 
But this is the new normal. You will get used to it and if you have learned anything from your divorce you will improve it to your benefit. But it takes time. It takes some getting used to. I just hope that you gain some hope from hearing these words even if they seem meaningless at the moment


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

WreckTangle said:


> I know it will. I guess it's just wanting things to feel "normal" again when I know it takes time to get back to normal. It's like I was just cruising through life - the big stuff was taken care of - and then suddenly life becomes a struggle again. I do completely agree with taking one day at a time. For me, sometimes it is hour-to-hour. I do tend to be hard on myself. I think too much. I know I need to "heal" myself before I can get past this.


Yup, I get it. You "know" it gets better, but you don't really believe it because the weight and pain doesn't seem to lesson. 

Or at least that was my experience. And then one day I woke up, it was better. The night before I was in the depths of despair, and then I wasn't. Not to say I'm done with my grieving, not even close. But I can see my future. I am starting to rebuild and I have way more positive moments than negative. 

My advice is keep writing about it and keep pushing forward. It's all you can do. And even though you don't believe it keep hanging on to the fact that it will get better. (Yup, it's a fact.)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Welcome to TAM, Wreck.

Many of us can relate. You do sound like you're doing well, though. At least you're in great shape and go out occasionally! 

My kids are teens, so I don't personally experience all the exhausting that comes with constantly being engaged when I have them, but I relate to much of the rest (i.e. working a lot of hours to make as much money as possible). 

Hang in there, and keep posting .


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi Wreck,

I feel for you because I'm going through the same process right now. My divorce is not final but I no longer live together with my husband. We were separated for a year, got back together for 3 months, but this time I'm fairly certain I'm done.

It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Like you said, I can't just cut him out of my life - we have a toddler and that means I will always be linked to him. It also means I will always care about him.

Some days I think to myself, "What am I doing?" It feels like a life-sentence. I second-guess, quadruple-guess myself. I work full time as well and keeping up with my child is not always easy. Sometimes my daughters' eyes well up with tears (when it's bed-time usually) and she says "I want Mommy-Daddy". Not Mommy, not Daddy, but Mommy-Daddy (both of us together). I feel so sad. The sadness is sometimes unbearable. Some mornings I wake up and psychologically, I feel so ... weak. Don't know how to explain, but a memory or thought is enough to get me in a really bad mood and mess up my day if I'm not careful. Those days, I try to treat myself with kindness and understanding. It really feels like someone very close to me, very loved by me, died. It hurts just like that.

Somehow, I just push through. I've started walking 40 minutes every day and that seems to help me. Also, I remind myself that I tried my best to save my marriage within the limits that I set for myself. I can't keep bending over backwards for people who do not value me. I decided to end the marriage because hanging on was MORE painful than this reality. And my life is not over, no matter how much it might feel like it. We can have as many new beginnings as we want. 

This is not the time for us to be happy. This is time for us to struggle, to cry, to feel pain. But we will get through it and be well again one day. True peace and contentment is possible if we take care of ourselves.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Hi Wreck,
> 
> I feel for you because I'm going through the same process right now. My divorce is not final but I no longer live together with my husband. We were separated for a year, got back together for 3 months, but this time I'm fairly certain I'm done.
> 
> ...


I hear you on how a memory or thought can mess up your whole day. It's really hard because I'm surrounded by memories and reminders. I feel haunted by the past, unsettled in the present and scared of an uncertain future.

I'm thankful that I still have a "relationship" with my ex for the sake of the kids. We do not hate one another. She has some issues with trusting me when I have the kids (I have no idea why - I am the picture of responsibility). 

It's tough trying to be strong for my kids. I know they're feeling a lot of the same things I'm feeling, yet they lack the life experience to put those feelings into context. I feel like my life has been tossed upside down, and they must feel the same way. I know this is hurting them. I know they miss how things used to be. So do I.

It really does feel like someone close to me has died. It's the same process of grief, but that person you miss is still there. I see her on a regular basis. Our lives are still entangled. I'd love to make a clean break - but I cannot because of the kids.

I guess I feel like I'm doing okay. Considering the experience and the suddenness of the change. I just feel sad a lot. I really do miss her. I don't understand what went wrong. That might be part of why it is hard to let go. I don't know why she walked away.

I'll get through it. I know I will. It's just rough being in this transitional period where nothing seems quite right.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

If you are not sure why she walked away, you should ask. For closure. Closure is a huge part of the grieving/healing process. Don't be unjust to yourself by not asking and knowing why the marriage ended, you owe yourself (and your family) that.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

WreckTangle said:


> We have two children: a boy who is nearly six and a daughter who is 3-and-a-half. They are dealing with it the best they can. I know they are sad. They will say things to me like "daddy, I really miss you when we're staying with mommy" or "I really wish we could still be a whole family."
> 
> This is normal and the kids will grow past it. It took my kids 6 months to adjust from the time she moved out, and that time frame is shorter than a lot of kids take. Expect this to go on for up to two years.
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

[We get along okay. I sometimes feel like she is a little too critical of me. She likes to scold. She likes to blame everyone else for her issues. We're doing okay as co-parents (I think).]

Avoid all contact except for the kids. This will help you detach and move on quicker.

Start putting her in her place. Do not take anything off her. She's nothing to you now. Obviously she doesn't have any respect for you. So why let this go on and quit kissing her azz.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> [We get along okay. I sometimes feel like she is a little too critical of me. She likes to scold. She likes to blame everyone else for her issues. We're doing okay as co-parents (I think).]
> 
> Avoid all contact except for the kids. This will help you detach and move on quicker.
> 
> Start putting her in her place. Do not take anything off her. She's nothing to you now. Obviously she doesn't have any respect for you. So why let this go on and quit kissing her azz.


I was just about to give this same advice. DO NOT allow her to scold you, she is way out of line to do so. DISENGAGE and DETACH. No contact/conversation about anything besides your children.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Thank you all for the advice and support. It really does help to hear from people going through the same situation and from those who have gotten past it.

I hear you all on the "scolding" part. I have gotten better at disengaging from her when she does that. If she sends me a text complaining that the kids are crabby because I let them stay up too late...I let it go. I simply don't respond. I am a good father. I take care of my kids. She has some serious trust issues - but she shouldn't make that a part of what goes on between the kids and I. What's interesting is that when I don't engage her - she generally settles down and changes her approach to be more civil.

I do know "why" she left - or at least why she claims she left. We hit a rut. We had two small kids. We worked off-setting hours. She got bored. She felt neglected. She thinks she did what she could to wake me up to her growing disconnection and when I didn't respond...she did by leaving. It doesn't really add up. The only think that adds up is that at some point she just stopped loving me like I loved her. I could never have done the same - but then again I truly loved her.

I know we will have to continue to be part of one another's lives. There is nothing I can do about that. Wish I could. Wish I could just get some distance - a break - but that is impossible. I have to make the best of it.

I truly value my time with the kids. Here's the difference between the two of us: I really feel like I am a natural parent. I am the one who is down on the floor with them playing. I have a natural affinity towards children and I think it is more of a struggle for her to connect. She has always been more comfortable around adults. 

Another point I saw that is very true is that I probably am in love with a memory of her. The person I met and fell in love with and married went away. She changed. She likes to tell people I changed, but anyone who knows us - knows that is not true. I don't know what it is - but it happened.

For the sake of full disclosure - and this probably will be an "a-ha" moment when you read it - but we lost our first child. She was our first daughter and she was stillborn at full term. No warning. One moment she was fine and we were simply waiting for her to be born and then suddenly she was gone. To say that changed us would be an understatement. I struggle with her loss (which was seven years ago this past November) on a daily basis.

I don't know. I really wish I could get a break. I wish I could get a break from the endless cycle of work and kids and work and kids (not that I don't love my time with the kids - but it is so much work on my own). I wish I could get a break from the constant worrying about money. I wish I could feel just a little stability - get a little good news - real good news...something I could hang my hat on. I wish I could not feel so lonely. I have a lot of wishes...not many of them seem to be coming true right now. Maybe my biggest wish should be for a little patience...because I know things won't get better overnight.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It seems, like I have been saying before, that people are allowed to get divorced for virtualy no reason these days and that your marriage could have been saved if your wife wanted it to be. Is there any way of reconciling?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I know exactly how you feel. My ex wasn't a WAH, though (however, he tried to present himself as that until I found out differently) - he left me for another woman after 25 years of marriage. We have a school-age son together, so that makes the 100% No Contact thing I sometimes daydream about impossible.

I completely understand all your feelings of sadness and unsettledness - I've been divorced since July and have struggled with those pretty much every day since.

Your ex sounds like mine in that she is critical of you - my ex is a control freak extraordinaire - he is certain he is the only person in the world who knows the right way to do everything, and that everyone else is entitled to his opinion.

As others and you have said, just ignoring them when they pull that "Such-and-such happened because they don't get enough sleep" or "You're not feeding them enough/the right food" kind of crap does wonders to put a stop to it.

Totally get how one memory or thought can ruin your day, too. Those are at least starting to get fewer and further between for me.

I try to look at the progress I've made instead of how far I still have to go.

I couldn't eat or sleep for months at first. I lost 30 pounds (when I only needed to lose 10 or 15). First, my appetite came back. I am actually having to watch what I eat again, when for a long time friends were telling me I needed to eat something. Then, the sleep came back. I have a dog and am bummed when she wakes me up early on a Saturday or Sunday - I used to wake up long before her, if I got any sleep at all. I didn't listen to any music for the longest time because every song was a trigger. Then, only certain songs were. Now, even our old favorites can come on, and I don't shudder or rush to change the radio station anymore.

Look at how far you've come since last March whenever you find yourself in despair that you'll never get over this. You really are getting over it - you just don't see it from one hour or day to the next.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It seems, like I have been saying before, that people are allowed to get divorced for virtualy no reason these days and that your marriage could have been saved if your wife wanted it to be. Is there any way of reconciling?


I think it most definitely could have been saved - but she wouldn't/couldn't make the effort. She thought I had checked out - which was never the case. I see, now, that we were in a rut: life had gotten boring. It had gotten a little harder. It took more effort to make our relationship work. I guess I just assumed I had a partner who cared for me as much as I cared for her. I really never saw it coming. She claimed she had given me warning signs that she had been unhappy and that she had just given up. Honestly, if I had 1) been aware her love for me had changed so much and 2) that she was so unhappy that she was seriously considering ending our marriage I would have pulled out all of the stops to show her how I felt.

This is all hindsight, now. It still makes me sad.

She hit me with it and then went straight to the lawyer. There was no hesitation. There was no taking me to the wall and then at least pausing to see how I reacted. She simply tossed me over like trash.

Like I said, all I can say is she simply stopped loving me. I don't know why. I guess it just stopped being enough for her and she felt like she kind find happiness somewhere else.

I know my feelings for her never changed. I said my vows and I meant them to the core of my soul. Was a flawless? No, but who is? What relationship is perfect.

While one can truly never say never, I really seriously doubt there would ever be a reconciliation. She has apparently moved on...not that she is with someone else or anything...but she's moved on mentally and emotionally. It would take a very profound change for that to ever happen.

I have to go on with the thought that this is it. Sure, there were moments during the process where I thought we were learning to love one another again...but then she always pulled away.

I know who I am. I know what qualities I bring to the table. I know I can find someone else out there who does love me...and while it still breaks my heart on a daily basis because I wanted to spend my life with this one particular person - I know I have to continue living nonetheless.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Nomorebeans said:


> I know exactly how you feel. My ex wasn't a WAH, though (however, he tried to present himself as that until I found out differently) - he left me for another woman after 25 years of marriage. We have a school-age son together, so that makes the 100% No Contact thing I sometimes daydream about impossible.
> 
> I completely understand all your feelings of sadness and unsettledness - I've been divorced since July and have struggled with those pretty much every day since.
> 
> ...


Good post...thanks! Yeah, I guess I have come quite far since last March. I'm proving to myself on a daily basis that I can do this - and there is some strength in that.

It's hard not to think back to how my life used to be. It's a little ironic because I never used to have nightmares. The only real nightmares I ever had were that I was alone in the world - that I didn't have a partner - and then I'd wake up, panicked, but sense my wife sleeping beside me and I'd relax. Now, that nightmare has become real.

I really am trying to take care of myself. I'm eating better. I've dropped quite a few excess pounds. I'm actually back to my tall and slim high school build - even if I don't feel so chipper inside these days.

I go out when I can. I have a good support network. I'd trade being home with my wife and kids any night - but that is not my reality anymore. There are nights where it is just me...so I have to stay busy.

I guess each day gets a little better...but yeah...it is so marginal that it doesn't feel like progress at all. I just can't wait for enough time to pass that I can really look back and see how far I've come.


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