# My Girlfriend and her coworker that she won't stop from hitting on her



## wantgftogotohr

My "red-flag" radar is going off after the conversation I just had with my girlfriend. I'm looking for some outside perspective so I can determine if I'm over-reacting or not. Brief background information:

*dating for 3 years. 
*no significant previous trust issues 
*not guarding of phone or social media 
*EXCELLENT relationship thus far. by far the best I've had.

My girlfriend works in a setting that involves talking to lots of new people. She interacts with lots of people everyday and its very common for her to get hit on multiple times per day. This doesn't upset me at all, especially when it's not random guys whom she will likely never see again. Sometimes she tells me about these interactions and we just laugh or joke about it or I'll say something like, "ah well I can't blame him just look at you!" The point is, there is generally no jealously on my behalf. However, a long time ago she mentioned how one coworker (whom I will refer to as Sam) was being particularly consistent. She told me how Sam always was complimenting how beautiful she was or making other related comments. Initially I didn't really care. But then some months later she mentioned something that he said again. At this point I took notice because this is a guy she works with regularly and he is obviously making more than a one-off comment. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that perhaps there is a chance he didn't know she was already taken because she said that she really isn't friends with him or talk to him more than a "hello" in passing.

A couple more months go by and I decided to do a certain gesture for my girlfriend. It involved showing up at her work with something, I would describe it as a "grand gesture". I had no motive for this gesture to be a way of making my existence to other men at her work known, but I only mention it because at this point it would be impossible for Sam to no longer be unaware of me.
Some additional weeks go by, and she mentions how her friend, who is also friends with Sam, tells her that Sam is planning on professing his feelings to her and was writing her a poem. She says the friend advised Sam this was a bad idea, as she was taken and that her boyfriend (me) was very attractive and that he would just get shot down. Sam said that he didn't care and he just wanted to let his love be known.

When she told me all this, she was laughing and I truly believe she felt it was just some innocent crush that had no chance of going anywhere. She seemed surprised that I was quite offended by Sam's behavior. I told her what he was doing had crossed the line into being inappropriate, and that he was being disrespectful to our relationship. She said that I should not worry because he was very unattractive and that she loves me so I had nothing to worry about. I asked, "so if he WAS attractive? THEN I should worry?" Her response was "no no that came out wrong. I'm just pointing out that he's just some sad boy who has a little boy crush on me, and that everyone is telling him how dumb it is and even being mean telling him 'have you SEEN her boyfriend? You cannot compare' You really have nothing to worry about!" (I am not saying this to e-brag whatsoever, only stating the events.)

Now to me, I could care less what he looks like. She is an extremely attractive woman and she gets a lot of male attention, so naturally there will be some really ugly men, some really attractive men, and lots that lie somewhere in the middle. Where the man falls on the attractiveness bell curve is not what bothers me. What bothered me is some other man disrespecting me by continually hitting on my girl, even after knowing we are in a committed relationship. To me, this is a slap in the face. Well, we debated back and forth for a while about this, my point being he was disrespectful and that she should address it with her superiors. Her position being that as long as she doesn't lead him on or be inappropriate back, that she wasn't doing anything wrong. Eventually she did tell me she understood my perspective better, and that she felt it was unfair to report him to a manager before telling him to stop personally and giving him a chance to quit. I decided I could live with this and she promised to tell him to back off the next time he said anything. About a week later she told me that he made another compliment and she told him that she was happily taken and that he needed to stop telling her things like that. Although my ideal outcome was that he be reported for harassment, I felt okay with this compromise and everything continued on happily.

UNTIL TODAY. My girlfriend and I finished celebrating an awesome Valentine's Day together, when she told me, "I need to tell you something. It's not bad, just kinda strange. I just feel like I should tell you." It turns out that what she wanted to tell me was, that a completely different coworker whom I never heard about before, decided to buy some big teddy bear and valentines card for her. He gave it to her at work but kind of dropped it off quickly while she was in the middle of hectic work, so they didn't really exchange words about it, and he ended up going home before she saw him again. The card was some mushy stuff about how shes a beautiful person and that he hopes to see her again (Turns out he is quitting soon). While I was mildly annoyed that some other guy who knew she was taken did something like this, it didn't bother me much and we kinda just laughed it off. She wanted to know if she should throw the bear away and if she should say anything if she sees him again before his last day. She said she probably needed to tell him she has a boyfriend and not to do anything like that again. My response was that she should just do whatever she would like for me to do if the roles were reversed, whether that meant ignoring it or telling the guy she was taken. This segued into a general conversation about situations like this where she gets male attention. I told her that it didn't bother me when it's just an insignificant comment, but if it was consistent like the situation with Sam, then I would definitely want her to take steps to make sure it stopped.
She then told me, "some men just don't get it. no matter what you tell them they don't stop so you just have to ignore them. Like Sam, he still looks at me with puppy dog eyes all the time. He doesn't say anything to me anymore but hes obviously still obsessed. You just can't stop them"

Me: You absolutely can stop them, you just report them to your boss because its harassment once you've informed them your uncomfortable. They handle it for you, its part of their job.

Her: It's really not that serious, he just has a little crush. And you can't get fired for looking at someone.

Me: Yeah I mean thats true, I don't mind if he's looking because how can you complain about a look, but if he said anything inappropriate AT ALL again, then its absolutely serious. Because you've already told him once to stop. Don't you think its serious?

Her: I dont know, I mean I just ignore him as much as possible.

Me: Wait, so he HAS said additional things since you told him to stop?

Her: I mean, he has maybe told me that I'm beautiful a couple times. You can't report someone for telling you that you're pretty!

Me: You're over simplifying it. He didn't just say you're pretty. He has consistently hit on your for months and months, and now continues to do so after you've told him to stop. Thats practically the definition of sexual harassment.

I will now condense what her argument was as much as possible because our discussion was too lengthy to post here. Let me say that I am being as unbiased as possible and just stating what she told me. She believes that since she told him once to stop, that from this point on when he says any flirtatious comments as long as she is loyal to me and doesn't reciprocate, that she has done all that she needs to do. She says that she simply doesn't care what the guy says to her because there is nothing more she can do, and that you just cannot make someone stop hitting on you if they don't want to. As long as it's only words and not grossly explicit or physical, just ignoring these comments are more than sufficient. she does believe his behavior is inappropriate, but just doesn't feel compelled to make effort to stop it

In contrast, my argument is that you CAN do something to stop this behavior. The steps for doing so are probably have their own chapter in the employee handbook. I think Sam has substantially crossed boundaries which were already quiet lenient and forgiving and now should face whatever consequences the company has outlined. I told her that at MINIMUM she should confront him about the comments again, in a much firmer and explicit manner, with a warning that any additional comments would be taken to management. She still believes the one time she told him was all she "needed" to do.

The reason I feel this way is two-fold. #1, I feel that his behavior is disrespectful to our relationship. He knows that we are together and sees no issue in trying to come between us. I feel it is my girlfriend's duty to defend our relationship from offensive behavior, not look the other way. I don't think just being loyal is "enough". I liken it to..if someone insulted her personality, I would feel obligated to stand up for her. I want her to feel obligated to stand up for us and take action to stop this guy. And #2, I am left wondering if her position on this topic is a red flag for future problems. If she has trouble maintaining and enforcing boundaries now with some guy who has been described as quite unattractive, then SHOULD I be worrying down the line when Mr. Dreamy McDreamerson decides to be equally persistent? All the time you hear about men or women who go through a rough patch and end up cheating with some person who'd been lurking in the background for a long time. To me, inability to shut down this guy is an indicator for future issues.

To close, this is the girl that I am envisioning my future with. She's been everything I could ask for. She is sort of shy and timid so I understand why she is reluctant to make a claim to HR or management. She literally will just keep an item that was defective rather than have to face the returns people at a store (lol). But that doesn't change my belief that this is something that SHOULD be taken further. Whether that means an additional warning to the guy, or to management, I am not okay with the policy of "just ignore him." I would appreciate any advice or similar stories that you went through. Thank you.

tl;dr: Girlfriend has coworker that won't stop hitting on her. She told him once to stop. He didn't. Now she says she doesn't care what he says because she's loyal to me anyway. I want her to report him to HR.


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## Peaf

Two things strike me:

1. Perhaps she needs to be more aware of how she is conducting herself. I know a lot of really beautiful women who don't have this problem. (I also know some really unattractive woman who get a LOT of male attention, so there you go). She could be too friendly and is coming off as interested to some men and she doesn't realize it? My mom is really friendly and people always say she's flirting. ..lol. She isn't, but it comes across that way. She may need to reevaluate the way she carries herself. 

2. Why is she constantly telling you about all these guys hitting on her??? Has she always been validated simply on her looks? Is she trying to make you jealous or get some kind of reaction from you? 

A recent experience of mine in a nut shell: I had a male friend at work who one day commented that I had a great body. I told him "I really like our friendship, but you just crossed a line and if you do that again, the friendship is done". He was testing the waters to see what he could get away with and found out quick that it wasn't gonna happen.

I absolutely agree, it is her responsibility to protect your relationship. She needs to be upfront with not only this gut, but every guy who does this. I wouldn't go to HR just yet. Depending on her future with this company, it could cause a problem. And I'm not even sure she'd have a case of sexual harassment.


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## wantgftogotohr

Peaf said:


> Two things strike me:
> 
> 1. Perhaps she needs to be more aware of how she is conducting herself. I know a lot of really beautiful women who don't have this problem. (I also know some really unattractive woman who get a LOT of male attention, so there you go). She could be too friendly and is coming off as interested to some men and she doesn't realize it? My mom is really friendly and people always say she's flirting. ..lol. She isn't, but it comes across that way. She may need to reevaluate the way she carries herself.
> 
> 2. Why is she constantly telling you about all these guys hitting on her??? Has she always been validated simply on her looks? Is she trying to make you jealous or get some kind of reaction from you?
> 
> A recent experience of mine in a nut shell: I had a male friend at work who one day commented that I had a great body. I told him "I really like our friendship, but you just crossed a line and if you do that again, the friendship is done". He was testing the waters to see what he could get away with and found out quick that it wasn't gonna happen.
> 
> I absolutely agree, it is her responsibility to protect your relationship. She needs to be upfront with not only this gut, but every guy who does this. I wouldn't go to HR just yet. Depending on her future with this company, it could cause a problem. And I'm not even sure she'd have a case of sexual harassment.


Peaf,

Thanks for the response. It seems like we have a pretty similar outlook and you understand exactly my perspective. A couple things,

1. I do believe she may come across as very friendly, even borderline flirty, but I also think men have a propensity for interpreting any female attention as "interest". You probably experienced this before. I don't think it would be fair to hold this against her because she doesn't, in my opinion, do anything to invite this attention other than just be friendly. No revealing outfits, exchanging numbers, etc.

2. I would say she doesn't constantly tell me about it. That was merely a focus of the story and so it seemed over represented. She tells me about it maybe once a month, if its particularly unique or something. Or if its with someone that she works with or would be in contact with again. I feel its more of a courtesy to me, like a "this guy I work with is doing ___, but you should know I'm not even caring." I don't think its to get a reaction from me.

Your response to your coworker is EXACTLY what I believe she should do! A firm and clear message that crossing the line like that isn't acceptable and will have consequences. I even told her I understand if she doesn't go straight to reporting him, but that she needs to be VERY firm that its not OK and has to stop. What is bothering me is her nonchalance to the issue. I don't think she would be okay with me tolerating a coworker consistently hitting on me. The couple times I mentioned a coworker that made a comment about me, she would say something like "TELL HER TO BACK OFF". In a joking manner but, you could tell she was uncomfortable about it as well.


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## Holland

Ok I will say that I skimmed some of your post as it was so long. The other thing is that I am in a different age bracket (judging by your language) so I should be dealing with more mature men (that part is very debatable).

Having been at the ugly end of sexual harassment at work I can tell you that the way I handled it was to make it very clear that I was in a very happy and committed relationship. Your GF is not standing up for your relationship, if she did then this guy may well have backed off.
In my case the comments went from how I looked, what I was wearing, my appearance to escalating to a very explicit sexual comment that was made about me in front of other people. It went beyond anything innocent.
My partner was furious and wanted me to report the incident but strangely for a very strong willed woman I was scared to do that. Instead I went on the path of talking about how good my relationship was at any point I could when this man was around. In a very short space of time he stopped with the comments and took the hint.

Your GF needs to either report this immediately or make it very clear to him that she is in a committed relationship. She needs to protect your relationship, if she doesn't then I would question her commitment to you.


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## jdawg2015

OP, you've got a bigger problem then her going to HR. She likes the attention and does not respect your view.

She doesn't even need to go to HR. A simple, "I've got a boyfriend and I would appreciate you respect that" As all us guys know, the minute a women mentions her BF or husband that's instant code language to back off.

HR is not the answer, the answer is that your gf is giving guys the idea she's either not taken or that your relationship is not serious.

I may have missed it but how old are you two? Don't marry her as she's not proven to be solid AT ALL!!! What's the scoop on opposite sex friends do you guys do 1:1 with them or is that off-limits? You two need to get some boundaries in place. The bear and now the other guys means she's not making it obvious she has a serious BF. That's for sure. 

Now, how do you fix this? STOP negotiating with her. This is a case where she gets it or she doesn't. If you beg then you give her power. You need to be willing to risk losing her and telling her exactly your boundaries and expectations.

I would tell her, "my love, I'm not going to ever be pinned down as a jealous or controlling guy but the fact that you have several cases where men still make passes at you makes me feel like you don't make it clear that we are in a serious relationship."


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## Mostlycontent

Peaf said:


> Two things strike me:
> 
> 1. Perhaps she needs to be more aware of how she is conducting herself. I know a lot of really beautiful women who don't have this problem. (I also know some really unattractive woman who get a LOT of male attention, so there you go). She could be too friendly and is coming off as interested to some men and she doesn't realize it? My mom is really friendly and people always say she's flirting. ..lol. She isn't, but it comes across that way. She may need to reevaluate the way she carries herself.
> 
> 2. Why is she constantly telling you about all these guys hitting on her??? Has she always been validated simply on her looks? Is she trying to make you jealous or get some kind of reaction from you?
> 
> A recent experience of mine in a nut shell: I had a male friend at work who one day commented that I had a great body. I told him "I really like our friendship, but you just crossed a line and if you do that again, the friendship is done". He was testing the waters to see what he could get away with and found out quick that it wasn't gonna happen.
> 
> I absolutely agree, it is her responsibility to protect your relationship. She needs to be upfront with not only this gut, but every guy who does this. I wouldn't go to HR just yet. Depending on her future with this company, it could cause a problem. And I'm not even sure she'd have a case of sexual harassment.



Peaf,

I agree with your approach. As a guy who has had similar issues with my own wife over the years in this same area. Like OP's girlfriend, my wife is just a very nice person and would have a difficult time saying what you did. I think she would view that as hurting someone's feelings, which by the way, it just might.

Like OP, my wife is particularly attractive and was absolutely drop dead gorgeous not so long ago. What made her so attractive was her friendly nature and a complete lack of snootiness that normally accompanies women so beautiful. Unfortunately, this attracted men of all sorts with uninvited compliments and "out of line" comments over the years.

I've pretty much just lived with it and accepted that it was the consequence of being married to a woman so beautiful. Fortunately, we've never really needed her to make a lot of money so if any job or person became to over bearing, she would just quit and move on. That was her way really of enforcing boundaries. If you can't be direct with someone or say something that may be awkward or hurt their feelings, then it's best to just remove yourself from the situation if possible. That's what my wife would do.

She's been a traditional housewife for years now so it's not as bad but there was even a time when she couldn't take walks on the beach alone any longer because of all the attention she would get. So I decided to take later lunches and would go with her to keep guys from making comments to her or just following her around.

It seems ridiculous but some men don't even hear the word, no, and aren't particularly interested if the woman is interested in them or not. The good news is that my wife and I go most places together so the problem isn't as great as it used to be.


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## aine

How old are you guys? There are a few issues going on here


1.	I suspect your GF is not so willing with the information that she is in a long term committed relationship. She enjoys the attention and is flattered. An attractive girl who knows she is most definitely taken will be very clear about such attention and put a stop to it tbh – it appears that she is not doing this.

2.	The next question to ask is why? 

a.	because she is too much into the attention?
b.	Because she feels you are not as committed to her as you should be with regard to your future, etc and she wants to let you know she is being sought by others
c.	Do you put enough effort into the relationship after 3 years? 

3. Bring up the issue of boundaries with her immediately and tell her that this could end up being a problem in the future.


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## Mostlycontent

jdawg2015 said:


> OP, you've got a bigger problem then her going to HR. She likes the attention and does not respect your view.
> 
> She doesn't even need to go to HR. A simple, "I've got a boyfriend and I would appreciate you respect that" As all us guys know, the minute a women mentions her BF or husband that's instant code language to back off.
> 
> HR is not the answer, the answer is that your gf is giving guys the idea she's either not taken or that your relationship is not serious.
> 
> I may have missed it but how old are you two? Don't marry her as she's not proven to be solid AT ALL!!! What's the scoop on opposite sex friends do you guys do 1:1 with them or is that off-limits? You two need to get some boundaries in place. The bear and now the other guys means she's not making it obvious she has a serious BF. That's for sure.
> 
> Now, how do you fix this? STOP negotiating with her. This is a case where she gets it or she doesn't. If you beg then you give her power. You need to be willing to risk losing her and telling her exactly your boundaries and expectations.
> 
> I would tell her, "my love, I'm not going to ever be pinned down as a jealous or controlling guy but the fact that you have several cases where men still make passes at you makes me feel like you don't make it clear that we are in a serious relationship."



I would agree that HR is not the answer here but I'm not sure I view this as big of an issue for OP's girlfriend as you do either. Before my wife and I got married, she was working for a hotel and was hit on all the time by other employees and even guests from time to time. 

Once all of her work mates knew about me and actually met me, most of it stopped. I was a pretty imposing guy and didn't look like someone you needed to cross. Even still, some guys are slime and nothing will deter them. I'm not sure it's possible to stop all of it, particularly back when this happened in the 80s.

I think it would be really difficult for a woman to have to make firm or even harsh comments to so many people every time someone is too complimentary. Seems like that would make her job even more stressful. Honestly, some work environments, equal rights aside, just aren't suitable for a woman. My wife ultimately left her job once we got married.

In other words, OP's girlfriend is a very sensitive person that probably would get very stressed out at the prospect of having to be firm or hurtful with several people she works with. It's not in her nature to be this way. That does not mean that she's uncertain of her devotion to OP or that she's looking for all of this attention. 

I can assure you that my own wife found all of the attention she always got very uncomfortable. Seems like OP's girlfriend just really doesn't want to do things that go totally against her grain. Perhaps she could go work somewhere else or put in for a local transfer if there's such an option.


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## jdawg2015

The guys who are just passing through you can discount.

Coworkers usually know when a woman is in a relationship. Another easy buzz kill for those tempted to make a pass is a picture of GF/BF/wife/husband on the desk. Even better if it's a "couple" picture.

I don't buy that she's 100% innocent as it's very easy to get guys to back off. 

Come on, a guy doesn't send flowers on Valentines Day to a women who he knows has a boyfriend.



Mostlycontent said:


> I would agree that HR is not the answer here but I'm not sure I view this as big of an issue for OP's girlfriend as you do either. Before my wife and I got married, she was working for a hotel and was hit on all the time by other employees and even guests from time to time.
> 
> Once all of her work mates knew about me and actually met me, most of it stopped. I was a pretty imposing guy and didn't look like someone you needed to cross. Even still, some guys are slime and nothing will deter them. I'm not sure it's possible to stop all of it, particularly back when this happened in the 80s.
> 
> I think it would be really difficult for a woman to have to make firm or even harsh comments to so many people every time someone is too complimentary. Seems like that would make her job even more stressful. Honestly, some work environments, equal rights aside, just aren't suitable for a woman. My wife ultimately left her job once we got married.
> 
> In other words, OP's girlfriend is a very sensitive person that probably would get very stressed out at the prospect of having to be firm or hurtful with several people she works with. It's not in her nature to be this way. That does not mean that she's uncertain of her devotion to OP or that she's looking for all of this attention.
> 
> I can assure you that my own wife found all of the attention she always got very uncomfortable. Seems like OP's girlfriend just really doesn't want to do things that go totally against her grain. Perhaps she could go work somewhere else or put in for a local transfer if there's such an option.


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## Holland

Mostlycontent said:


> I would agree that HR is not the answer here but I'm not sure I view this as big of an issue for OP's girlfriend as you do either. Before my wife and I got married, she was working for a hotel and was hit on all the time by other employees and even guests from time to time.
> 
> Once all of her work mates knew about me and actually met me, most of it stopped. I was a pretty imposing guy and didn't look like someone you needed to cross. Even still, some guys are slime and nothing will deter them. I'm not sure it's possible to stop all of it, particularly back when this happened in the 80s.
> 
> I think it would be really difficult for a woman to have to make firm or even harsh comments to so many people every time someone is too complimentary. Seems like that would make her job even more stressful. *Honestly, some work environments, equal rights aside, just aren't suitable for a woman. My wife ultimately left her job once we got married.
> *
> In other words, OP's girlfriend is a very sensitive person that probably would get very stressed out at the prospect of having to be firm or hurtful with several people she works with. It's not in her nature to be this way. That does not mean that she's uncertain of her devotion to OP or that she's looking for all of this attention.
> 
> I can assure you that my own wife found all of the attention she always got very uncomfortable. *Seems like OP's girlfriend just really doesn't want to do things that go totally against her grain. Perhaps she could go work somewhere else or put in for a local transfer if there's such an option*.


That is a fantastic way to set women back 50 years. We should not have to go work elsewhere and if a hotel is not suitable for women to work, where is?
Nope, sorry this is not the victims fault, these men should be the ones to change, they should either be more respectful of their co workers or THEY can move jobs.


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## Peaf

"Like OP's girlfriend, my wife is just a very nice person and would have a difficult time saying what you did. I think she would view that as hurting someone's feelings, which by the way, it just might."

With respect, the only feelings she should be worried about are her boyfriends. 

When someone treats me, my husband, and my relationship with such disregard, my concern for their feelings comes to a quick end. I'm a nice person too, lol, but there's a time and place to draw limits, and I say, the sooner the better. My husband's feelings, and our marriage, always take priority.

I agree with a previous poster, I think she is enjoying the attention.


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## wantgftogotohr

Holland said:


> In my case the comments went from how I looked, what I was wearing, my appearance to escalating to a very explicit sexual comment that was made about me in front of other people. It went beyond anything innocent.
> My partner was furious and wanted me to report the incident but strangely for a very strong willed woman I was scared to do that. Instead I went on the path of talking about how good my relationship was at any point I could when this man was around. In a very short space of time he stopped with the comments and took the hint.
> 
> Your GF needs to either report this immediately or make it very clear to him that she is in a committed relationship. She needs to protect your relationship, if she doesn't then I would question her commitment to you.


This is precisely how I feel. Except that she HAS told him shes taken and to stop. I think she is afraid to make waves at work. 



jdawg2015 said:


> She doesn't even need to go to HR. A simple, "I've got a boyfriend and I would appreciate you respect that" As all us guys know, the minute a women mentions her BF or husband that's instant code language to back off.
> 
> HR is not the answer, the answer is that your gf is giving guys the idea she's either not taken or that your relationship is not serious.
> 
> I may have missed it but how old are you two? Don't marry her as she's not proven to be solid AT ALL!!! What's the scoop on opposite sex friends do you guys do 1:1 with them or is that off-limits? You two need to get some boundaries in place. The bear and now the other guys means she's not making it obvious she has a serious BF. That's for sure.
> 
> Now, how do you fix this? STOP negotiating with her. This is a case where she gets it or she doesn't. If you beg then you give her power. You need to be willing to risk losing her and telling her exactly your boundaries and expectations.
> 
> I would tell her, "my love, I'm not going to ever be pinned down as a jealous or controlling guy but the fact that you have several cases where men still make passes at you makes me feel like you don't make it clear that we are in a serious relationship."


I can completely understand why you would think this way. I feel like if I heard this story I would assume the girl was at work inviting all the attention and neglecting to mention her relationship. Without going into extreme detail, I can say with 100% certainty that she's made it clear to all her coworkers we are together. She's even asked me to come visit her at work on more than occasion. We have talked about boundaries before, we don't go out with opposite sex friends or hide our phones from each other. I would say she's actually been quite perfect in the regards of trust. Which is why this situation threw me for a loop. 



Mostlycontent said:


> In other words, OP's girlfriend is a very sensitive person that probably would get very stressed out at the prospect of having to be firm or hurtful with several people she works with. It's not in her nature to be this way. That does not mean that she's uncertain of her devotion to OP or that she's looking for all of this attention.
> 
> I can assure you that my own wife found all of the attention she always got very uncomfortable. Seems like OP's girlfriend just really doesn't want to do things that go totally against her grain. Perhaps she could go work somewhere else or put in for a local transfer if there's such an option.


I THINK this is what is going on here. She is very non-confrontational so I think she's just having a hard time telling this guy to back off in a more intense manner than she already has. I really hope I'm not being biased and just interpreting how I'd like to.



Peaf said:


> With respect, the only feelings she should be worried about are her boyfriends.
> 
> When someone treats me, my husband, and my relationship with such disregard, my concern for their feelings comes to a quick end. I'm a nice person too, lol, but there's a time and place to draw limits, and I say, the sooner the better. My husband's feelings, and our marriage, always take priority.


I want to come up with a way to explain this concept to her. Her attitude is just, "I am only with you and I'm loyal, I can just ignore him because he doesn't matter at all to me." But I want her to understand that it matters to ME, even if his attention is unreciprocated. But I also don't want to just come out and say, "You need to tell this guy off or we are done!" Because I want her to remain feeling open to telling me things without thinking I will overreact. If I feel I've articulated that to her adequately and she still doesn't feel compelled to step out of her comfort zone to ensure the guy is dealt with...then I'm not sure how I will proceed from there..


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## turnera

Get her a copy of the book Not Just Friends so she can see how she's heading into an emotional affair.

And then plan a visit to her place of work and FIND him and tell him to back the hell off.


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## Hicks

She is doing it the way she wants to for whatever reason she has.
You have told her you don't like it.

Your mistake is to try to find other ways to tell her or convince her of something.
She has her position, you have your position.

Do you want to accept her thought process, live with a person who has this thought process, experience life with a person of this thought process?
That's really what you have to decide.


----------



## ConanHub

Holland said:


> That is a fantastic way to set women back 50 years. We should not have to go work elsewhere and if a hotel is not suitable for women to work, where is?
> Nope, sorry this is not the victims fault, these men should be the ones to change, they should either be more respectful of their co workers or THEY can move jobs.


I absolutely agree but women need to get more backbone about being pursued and harassed at the workplace.

A lot of women, you included that time you mentioned, are too passive when it comes to an idiot who is crossing the line.

Your solution worked but there are many for whom it wouldn't and direct measures need taken.

Direct assaults on relationships and marriages should not be overlooked or softballed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha

I agree with the statement that a guy just doesn't send flowers to a woman at work that he know is in a committed relationship. And this is what, I guess, you are driving at.

He must be getting some sign of either weakness or ***** in the relationship or encouragement (no matter how mild or slight - could be a coy smile) or something to make him think that he has the slightest chance. 

What she has to do is leave him in no doubt that he has a snowflakes chance in hell. You think she has done this - I do not. You want her to now report him to HR and I say, that she has to first make this very clear. Time and time again if necessary. Then, if he still goes on, not only does he need to be fired but also should be sent for psychiatric help.

Why don't you speak with him and tell him yourself in front of your wife? See how she feels about that (it will tell you volumes).


----------



## turnera

I agree. Telling him to stay away in front of her will do one of two things: she'll appreciate you more for 'defending your territory' (some women love/need this) or she'll be horrified because it will then make it clear to HIM that she's been two-timing him, at which time you'll be able to walk away from her with a clear conscience.


----------



## *Deidre*

Guys (unless they are diabolical stalkers) don't continue pursuing women who make it known that they're not interested. Your gf might not encourage it, but she doesn't discourage it.

If she brings it up again, I'd say...'you know, you're an adult. You can handle him. I don't want to discuss him anymore.' And move to the next topic. Think in some way, she is getting a kick out of watching your jealous reaction. 

If she runs off with the 'unattractive' coworker...lol Then be thankful you found out now. Sounds like games, to me.


----------



## MarriedDude

wantgftogotohr said:


> This is precisely how I feel. Except that she HAS told him shes taken and to stop. I think she is afraid to make waves at work.
> 
> 
> 
> I can completely understand why you would think this way. I feel like if I heard this story I would assume the girl was at work inviting all the attention and neglecting to mention her relationship. Without going into extreme detail, I can say with 100% certainty that she's made it clear to all her coworkers we are together. She's even asked me to come visit her at work on more than occasion. We have talked about boundaries before, we don't go out with opposite sex friends or hide our phones from each other. I would say she's actually been quite perfect in the regards of trust. Which is why this situation threw me for a loop.
> 
> 
> 
> I THINK this is what is going on here. She is very non-confrontational so I think she's just having a hard time telling this guy to back off in a more intense manner than she already has. I really hope I'm not being biased and just interpreting how I'd like to.
> 
> 
> 
> I want to come up with a way to explain this concept to her. Her attitude is just, "I am only with you and I'm loyal, I can just ignore him because he doesn't matter at all to me." *But I want her to understand that it matters to ME*, even if his attention is unreciprocated. But I also don't want to just come out and say, "You need to tell this guy off or we are done!" Because I want her to remain feeling open to telling me things without thinking I will overreact. *If I feel I've articulated that to her adequately* and she still doesn't feel compelled to step out of her comfort zone to ensure the guy is dealt with...then I'm not sure how I will proceed from there..


Why not just tell her what you want her to do? Go ahead and set the tone for the relationship now. In your opening post you stated that there were not trust issues.....in other words...there are no trust issues that she is aware of..

I mean -I get it -you have a beautiful girlfriend and you want to create some certainty in the relationship. You want commitment. But...she's your girlfriend -not your WIFE. 3 years is a pretty good stretch -you should have been able to decide, by this point, if she is wife material for you or not. 

You have put her in a position that she is in...a long term relationship that is not currently (as far as I can get from your post) that is currently not track for marriage. In other words you haven't formally committed to her. Why is that?


----------



## turnera

You also may want to read a couple books: No More Mr Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life Primer.

You are close to slipping into her friend zone. At which point, she WILL choose the guy who is pursuing her the most.


----------



## GuyInColorado

3 years? Are you going to put a ring on that finger? In my book, she's still available... no wonder other guys think they have a chance. If you want her to yourself, go buy her that $10K ring.


----------



## Sammy64

GuyInColorado said:


> 3 years? Are you going to put a ring on that finger? In my book, she's still available... no wonder other guys think they have a chance. If you want her to yourself, go buy her that $10K ring.


Rings dont mean a thing any longer... and i would think to some its a quest


----------



## MRR

She is definitely giving off a vibe that she is available. I work in an office with a ton of women from ages 25-50. 

Many many attractive women, but the ones happily married (or in a relationship) are easy to spot. 

There are many who are definitely married but possibly not completely loyal, and their vibe is that they like male attention. 

Your girl is not your wife and apparently everyone knows it. 

I dont necessarily think talking to her co-workers is the way to go-- when will it stop? Will you be making semi-annual office visits to talk to these guys for the rest of your life? 

No. This is between you and her. I am not saying to go out and purposely make her jealous but she does not seem to be understanding or valuing her feelings.


----------



## MarriedDude

Sammy64 said:


> Rings dont mean a thing any longer... and i would think to some its a quest


The run wouldn't be for the other guys, so to speak.


----------



## MRR

OliviaG said:


> I know that an engagement ring sure sent a strong message at work when I was single. Until then, there will be persistent suitors.


I believe this to be true. If she really doesnt want the attention she can wear a nice ring on the proper finger. Guys get that as well.


----------



## manfromlamancha

MRR said:


> She is definitely giving off a vibe that she is available. I work in an office with a ton of women from ages 25-50.
> 
> Many many attractive women, but the ones happily married (or in a relationship) are easy to spot.
> 
> There are many who are definitely married but possibly not completely loyal, and their vibe is that they like male attention.
> 
> Your girl is not your wife and apparently everyone knows it.
> 
> I dont necessarily think talking to her co-workers is the way to go-- when will it stop? Will you be making semi-annual office visits to talk to these guys for the rest of your life?
> 
> No. This is between you and her. I am not saying to go out and purposely make her jealous but she does not seem to be understanding or valuing her feelings.


The talking to the coworker is not so much to just fend off the coworker but more to see how the gf reacts - if she balks at this it means she was giving off the vibe that she enjoys attention or more. And this will give the OP enough info to make an informed decision about what to do going forward.

Of course he cannot carry on speaking with every coworker that hits on her. He does need to understand if she is enabling this.


----------



## turnera

Yeah, I was thinking that, too. Three years and no engagement? Maybe she's tired of waiting and testing the waters. Or, if nothing else, trying to get you jealous so you WILL ask her to marry you.


----------



## wantgftogotohr

OliviaG said:


> Maybe she wants the ring! The engagement ring, not the other. OP may be having trouble picking up the signal that it's time to act.


I didn't talk about this in the OP but I am confident she does not want a ring immediately. I've actually told her I would be okay taking steps forward immediately or soon, she has about 1.5 years left on her bachelors and wants to finish college and start a career before getting engaged. 

Also some people seem to be confusing Sam and the person who gave her the valentine. I kind of regret mentioning the valentine bear because its largely irrelevant to the story, it just was the catalyst for the discussion about Sam. I don't mind that guy, and she already told me she's going to get rid of the gift and tell him not to do anything like that again. Where the dichotomy lies is that, she feels once she asks someone to stop hitting on her one time..if they continue then its just "out of her control" and she doesn't need to elevate the issue. I think that she does.


----------



## nirvana

Peaf said:


> "Like OP's girlfriend, my wife is just a very nice person and would have a difficult time saying what you did. I think she would view that as hurting someone's feelings, which by the way, it just might."
> 
> With respect, the only feelings she should be worried about are her boyfriends.
> 
> When someone treats me, my husband, and my relationship with such disregard, my concern for their feelings comes to a quick end. I'm a nice person too, lol, but there's a time and place to draw limits, and I say, the sooner the better. My husband's feelings, and our marriage, always take priority.
> 
> I agree with a previous poster, I think she is enjoying the attention.



She's probably taken his feelings for granted. Many women do that. My wife does that also. BF will be fiiiiine.... but she does not want to ruin relationships at work. So she just sits still and the guy keeps hitting on her.


----------



## nirvana

*Deidre* said:


> Guys (unless they are diabolical stalkers) don't continue pursuing women who make it known that they're not interested. Your gf might not encourage it, but she doesn't discourage it.
> 
> If she brings it up again, I'd say...'you know, you're an adult. You can handle him. I don't want to discuss him anymore.' And move to the next topic. Think in some way, she is getting a kick out of watching your jealous reaction.
> 
> If she runs off with the 'unattractive' coworker...lol Then be thankful you found out now. Sounds like games, to me.


I agree with this.
All bets are off if this guy is a crazy stalker.

If not, then I think your gf may be allowing enough doubt in his mind that he thinks that he has a chance with her. I am sure he fished around a bit and maybe your gf did not swat it away in a clear manner, so he is trying more and more. Giving her flowers is wayyyy over the line. Does he know that she has a boyfriend? I was in a somewhat similar situation last year where my attractive wife was being phone called by a Indian male coworker every day on the way back from work (we are Indian too). 30-35 min calls. He supposedly called to gossip about work mates but as a guy, I know what he was trying to do. Clear as day. My wife's logic was that she took the calls to get inside information on how things worked (she was new and joined 5 months earlier). The guy was giving her info but also using it to get close to her. It was probably an ego boost for her as a SAHM for many years and was getting that kind of attention after 15+ years (her single days). My wife is hesitant to be bold and firm like your gf. She also has low esteem issues. 

So my point is that your gf may have her reasons but to the man it looks like she is opening to door to him. She may not have too courage to slam the door on his face. So you have to telll her what to do. Having a picture of you on her desk is a good one. Have her talk about you in convos is another. He needs to know you exist.

Being a SAHM my wife has this thing that she is a good mom and appreciates men who are "good dads" but I am a good dad in a way different from what she expects and this guy was trying to show her how much of a good dad he was. Each team member has to talk about themselves using presentation slides and all he did was show pictures of his kids and none of his wife. He talked about his kids the whole time. This is another tactic, watch for it. He will find her weak point and attack.

I suggest avoid HR rout for now unless this goes further. I think he will back off after he knows she is taken.


----------



## nirvana

wantgftogotohr said:


> I didn't talk about this in the OP but I am confident she does not want a ring immediately. I've actually told her I would be okay taking steps forward immediately or soon, she has about 1.5 years left on her bachelors and wants to finish college and start a career before getting engaged.
> 
> Also some people seem to be confusing Sam and the person who gave her the valentine. I kind of regret mentioning the valentine bear because its largely irrelevant to the story, it just was the catalyst for the discussion about Sam. I don't mind that guy, and she already told me she's going to get rid of the gift and tell him not to do anything like that again. Where the dichotomy lies is that, she feels once she asks someone to stop hitting on her one time..if they continue then its just "out of her control" and she doesn't need to elevate the issue. I think that she does.


Maybe I am confused, but why does she NOT want to be engaged to you at this point? I can see that she does not want to get married now, but just getting engaged means that she is "off the market". What is the harm?


----------



## Miss Independent

nirvana said:


> Maybe I am confused, but why does she NOT want to be engaged to you at this point? I can see that she does not want to get married now, but just getting engaged means that she is "off the market". What is the harm?



Why get engaged now when one has no plans to get married in the near future?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## wantgftogotohr

nirvana said:


> Maybe I am confused, but why does she NOT want to be engaged to you at this point? I can see that she does not want to get married now, but just getting engaged means that she is "off the market". What is the harm?


Perhaps this is a cultural issue, but I never envisioned myself being engaged for an extended period of time. I always thought of the engagement period lasting only long enough to plan the wedding. maybe 6 months or so. I do have friends who have been engaged for years though. I believe we both feel the same about this.


----------



## MRR

I dont think there is any set time to be engaged, but more importantly, I do not think being engaged or not has anything to do with the problem here. The OP has an issue with other guys hitting on his gf and she thinks it is no big deal. He thinks she should report certain actions/words to HR, she thinks there is nothing she can do about it. 

I think, she needs to handle it and act like she is happy in a relationship. I seriously cannot even imagine buying a gift like that for a woman in my office that I am not involved with, and even further, is with another guy. Just makes no sense unless she is somehow encouraging this attention.


----------



## BioFury

wantgftogotohr said:


> I want to come up with a way to explain this concept to her. Her attitude is just, "I am only with you and I'm loyal, I can just ignore him because he doesn't matter at all to me." *But I want her to understand that it matters to ME*, even if his attention is unreciprocated. But I also don't want to just come out and say, "You need to tell this guy off or we are done!" Because I want her to remain feeling open to telling me things without thinking I will overreact. If I feel I've articulated that to her adequately and she still doesn't feel compelled to step out of her comfort zone to ensure the guy is dealt with...then I'm not sure how I will proceed from there..


If she doesn't value your feelings enough to act, then you may have trouble down the road. She doesn't need to share your feelings in order to cater to them, so you should just explain how you feel, and ask her to do whatever it is you'd like for her to.

If she's not willing, then that is a red flag. Possibly showing that she only cares about you when it's convenient, and when it doesn't conflict with her preferences or interests.

And as a side note, she sounds really shallow. The whole "he's ugly and doesn't have a chance" paired with "your so hot and I love you" just sits wrong with me.


----------



## MarriedDude

wantgftogotohr said:


> I didn't talk about this in the OP but I am confident she does not want a ring immediately. *I've actually told her I would be okay taking steps forward immediately or soon*, she has about 1.5 years left on her bachelors and wants to finish college and start a career before getting engaged.
> 
> Also some people seem to be confusing Sam and the person who gave her the valentine. I kind of regret mentioning the valentine bear because its largely irrelevant to the story, it just was the catalyst for the discussion about Sam. I don't mind that guy, and she already told me she's going to get rid of the gift and tell him not to do anything like that again. Where the dichotomy lies is that, she feels once she asks someone to stop hitting on her one time..if they continue then its just "out of her control" and she doesn't need to elevate the issue. I think that she does.


I think there is more too this. So...You have proposed to her? Or have you just indicated -indirectly- that you are open to the idea of marriage.


----------



## ConanHub

I guess start collecting your own stories about women that hit on and flirt with you so you can at least contribute to the conversation when she talks about Sam.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink

Sounds to me like you want your GF to do the mate guarding for you.

You've made your feelings clear. She's a big girl and can decide for herself when it's time to go to HR. The decision rests with her. 

Your best bet is to show how very concerned you are for HER safety and ignore the implications about the relationship.


----------



## tech-novelist

jdawg2015 said:


> OP, you've got a bigger problem then her going to HR. She likes the attention and does not respect your view.
> 
> She doesn't even need to go to HR. A simple, "I've got a boyfriend and I would appreciate you respect that" As all us guys know, the minute a women mentions her BF or husband that's instant code language to back off.


Except if the guy is a player, in which case he starts with a "boyfriend destroyer" routine, e.g., How to Lay Girls Guide.


----------



## jdawg2015

OP, read Hicks post carefully as it's absolutely the way it goes.

As I read it, you don't think she is doing enough to stop the advances. The more you plead the more power she thinks she has over you.

Have you told her that you think her actions are making it easy for these guys to keep sniffing? 

Do you have any female friends you can get to give her a dose of her own medicine? 

When a women gets a Valentine flowers etc at work and you're in a long term relationship that tells me she is not making it clear to these guys she's in a relationship. At least she told you so that's huge and now you have to use the knowledge to your advantage. 

I don't think she's making it clear enough to stop the advances. Guys do stop when they know a woman is in a relationship. 




Hicks said:


> She is doing it the way she wants to for whatever reason she has.
> You have told her you don't like it.
> 
> Your mistake is to try to find other ways to tell her or convince her of something.
> She has her position, you have your position.
> 
> Do you want to accept her thought process, live with a person who has this thought process, experience life with a person of this thought process?
> That's really what you have to decide.


----------



## jdawg2015

Even a player backs off at work.

A simple, "I have a boyfriend I love and don't appreciate you continuing to ask me out and I'm sure my boyfriend would not appreciate it" would spell it out. But she has not done anything even close to that. 



technovelist said:


> Except if the guy is a player, in which case he starts with a "boyfriend destroyer" routine, e.g., How to Lay Girls Guide.


----------



## jdawg2015

THIS!!!

The best way to counter your GF is give her a taste of it. Usually they don't like it so much when they feel the same pinch. I'm dead serious. Up your game and have some edge.



ConanHub said:


> I guess start collecting your own stories about women that hit on and flirt with you so you can at least contribute to the conversation when she talks about Sam.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre*

ConanHub said:


> I guess start collecting your own stories about women that hit on and flirt with you so you can at least contribute to the conversation when she talks about Sam.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol I'm not one for 'revenge' but it could be a fun 'experiment' to test this out a bit, OP.

''zomg, this girl at work keeps on sending me friend requests on FB...and I keep deleting them, and she keeps sending them...I know how you feel now, babe.'' 



Jk. In truth, I wonder why women run to tell their bf's that men are flirting with them. Unless the person was truly scary/stalkerish, the only reason I can muster is to make him jealous. I don't tell my fiance about guys who hit on me, he trusts that I shut them down. I happen to think that if you're already having these types of ''challenges'' and you're nowhere near being engaged, it is best to moooove on. Stuff like this won't change with a ring on someone's finger, or a marriage license.


----------



## ConanHub

*Deidre* said:


> lol I'm not one for 'revenge' but it could be a fun 'experiment' to test this out a bit, OP.
> 
> ''zomg, this girl at work keeps on sending me friend requests on FB...and I keep deleting them, and she keeps sending them...I know how you feel now, babe.''
> 
> 
> 
> Jk. In truth, I wonder why women run to tell their bf's that men are flirting with them. Unless the person was truly scary/stalkerish, the only reason I can muster is to make him jealous. I don't tell my fiance about guys who hit on me, he trusts that I shut them down. I happen to think that if you're already having these types of ''challenges'' and you're nowhere near being engaged, it is best to moooove on. Stuff like this won't change with a ring on someone's finger, or a marriage license.


Mrs. Conan and I only tell each other about the funny ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jdawg2015

This is why I asked about their ages.

Sounds like immature game playing on her part.

"Look at all these guys who pay attention to me, you better stay in line or I can get someone else just like that."

OP, be GLAD to let someone else deal with her if this is what she's acting like.



*Deidre* said:


> lol I'm not one for 'revenge' but it could be a fun 'experiment' to test this out a bit, OP.
> 
> ''zomg, this girl at work keeps on sending me friend requests on FB...and I keep deleting them, and she keeps sending them...I know how you feel now, babe.''
> 
> 
> 
> Jk. In truth, I wonder why women run to tell their bf's that men are flirting with them. Unless the person was truly scary/stalkerish, the only reason I can muster is to make him jealous. I don't tell my fiance about guys who hit on me, he trusts that I shut them down. I happen to think that if you're already having these types of ''challenges'' and you're nowhere near being engaged, it is best to moooove on. Stuff like this won't change with a ring on someone's finger, or a marriage license.


----------



## Celes

I know this is a board of highly paranoid people, so my post won't be popular. I fail to see what she has done wrong. From your post, she has already told Sam she has a bf and doesn't appreciate his comments. He's mostly stopped other than looking at her and calling her pretty a couple of times. She has ignored him. So...? You seriously want her to report this guy to HR? If she's an attractive girl, this is bound to happen again. Should she report every guy who hits on her? Do you have any idea what that can do to a woman's career? Sounds like she's doing the right thing by ignoring him. She also came to you about the other guy and the Valentine's gift. Your insecurity is what will eventually drive your gf away. Learn to trust your gf, otherwise why are you with her?


----------



## Celes

jdawg2015 said:


> Even a player backs off at work.
> 
> A simple, "I have a boyfriend I love and don't appreciate you continuing to ask me out and I'm sure my boyfriend would not appreciate it" would spell it out. But she has not done anything even close to that.


Lol clearly you don't know what it's like to be a woman being hit on by a player. All the "I have a bf" line does is offer them the opportunity to counter with "Oh well I just want to be your friend. Why would your bf have a problem with that? He sounds so insecure and controlling". 

Also you missed the part in the OP where his gf did tell the guy to stop and she has a bf. OP is just now upset that the dude has called her pretty a couple of times and "all" she's done is ignore it. How awful of her.


----------



## Mostlycontent

Celes said:


> I know this is a board of highly paranoid people, so my post won't be popular. I fail to see what she has done wrong. From your post, she has already told Sam she has a bf and doesn't appreciate his comments. He's mostly stopped other than looking at her and calling her pretty a couple of times. She has ignored him. So...? You seriously want her to report this guy to HR? If she's an attractive girl, this is bound to happen again. Should she report every guy who hits on her? Do you have any idea what that can do to a woman's career? Sounds like she's doing the right thing by ignoring him. She also came to you about the other guy and the Valentine's gift. Your insecurity is what will eventually drive your gf away. Learn to trust your gf, otherwise why are you with her?



I don't disagree with any of that. If you date a beautiful woman, there are just some things that will go along with that. There are fleas that come with that dog, so to speak.

She will always get hit on or have guys make comments, sometimes even inappropriate ones. You can't go running off to management every time it happens. You don't want to be that person. So you live with it and try not to sweat the reasonably harmless small stuff.

If she were wise and really didn't appreciate all the attention she gets, there are plenty of companies out there who do an excellent job of educating their work force on all forms of sexual harassment and have a zero tolerance policy towards it. Seek them out and apply for a job there and OP's problem likely goes away as it relates to this work place stuff.


----------



## Mostlycontent

Holland said:


> Ok I will say that I skimmed some of your post as it was so long. The other thing is that I am in a different age bracket (judging by your language) so I should be dealing with more mature men (that part is very debatable).
> 
> Having been at the ugly end of sexual harassment at work I can tell you that the way I handled it was to make it very clear that I was in a very happy and committed relationship. Your GF is not standing up for your relationship, if she did then this guy may well have backed off.
> In my case the comments went from how I looked, what I was wearing, my appearance to escalating to a very explicit sexual comment that was made about me in front of other people. It went beyond anything innocent.
> My partner was furious and wanted me to report the incident but strangely for a very strong willed woman I was scared to do that. Instead I went on the path of talking about how good my relationship was at any point I could when this man was around. In a very short space of time he stopped with the comments and took the hint.
> 
> Your GF needs to either report this immediately or make it very clear to him that she is in a committed relationship. She needs to protect your relationship, if she doesn't then I would question her commitment to you.



You made the point about setting women's rights back 50 years earlier but it's not quite so easy to do what you suggest when it happens to you, is it? 

The reality is that a woman has just as much to lose by going to HR. She could be viewed as a trouble maker and ultimately be made to feel very uncomfortable at her job. 

If it went so far as a lawsuit, then she could be blackballed in certain industries. Word gets around. I'm not saying that would happen in this day and time but it clearly could have when this episode happened to you and the things similar to this that happened to my wife back in the late 80s.

Things have definitely changed for the better in the last 25 to 30 years but that's not the way it was necessarily back then. It was easier to leave a company with that kind of culture than to complain, fight or even sue back in those days. Sure, it's wonderful to think about doing something that champions the cause of women's rights in the work place but that's pie in the sky to most people. They really aren't interested in taking social stances or making social statements. They just want to be left alone and go about their life.


----------



## jdawg2015

My ex wife is to this day a very attractive woman. And during the few times she had an aggressive one come along she was able to block them without fail.

To say that a woman can't get a point across to an aggressive guy is complete hogwash.

When a woman tells a guy, "Let me get this through as clearly as possible, I want no further comments or advances from you and I'll gladly let you talk to my bf/husband about" or any other similar words makes it very clear. My ex wife did this very thing.

I have always dated attractive women. I'm used to ALL of them getting hit on and know the difference between those who accept or those who reject. 

And I also have a pretty good idea of threats vs just let it go.

In this case, the fact that she has two separate guys doing things tells me she has boundary issues. The Valentine's thing would be more of a concern for me then the Sam dude. Not because of the guy, but because I would sense that my gf is appearing to be available.

It's extremely rare for a guy to send a Valentine's Day item to a woman known to have a bf. He got a signal somewhere that it would be ok. From my view, she's not totally at fault but I also see some plausible deniability as well.



Celes said:


> Lol clearly you don't know what it's like to be a woman being hit on by a player. All the "I have a bf" line does is offer them the opportunity to counter with "Oh well I just want to be your friend. Why would your bf have a problem with that? He sounds so insecure and controlling".
> 
> Also you missed the part in the OP where his gf did tell the guy to stop and she has a bf. OP is just now upset that the dude has called her pretty a couple of times and "all" she's done is ignore it. How awful of her.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

wantgftogotohr said:


> My "red-flag" radar is going off after the conversation I just had with my girlfriend. I'm looking for some outside perspective so I can determine if I'm over-reacting or not. Brief background information:
> 
> *dating for 3 years.
> *no significant previous trust issues
> *not guarding of phone or social media
> *EXCELLENT relationship thus far. by far the best I've had.
> 
> My girlfriend works in a setting that involves talking to lots of new people. She interacts with lots of people everyday and its very common for her to get hit on multiple times per day. This doesn't upset me at all, especially when it's not random guys whom she will likely never see again. Sometimes she tells me about these interactions and we just laugh or joke about it or I'll say something like, "ah well I can't blame him just look at you!" The point is, there is generally no jealously on my behalf. However, a long time ago she mentioned how one coworker (whom I will refer to as Sam) was being particularly consistent. She told me how Sam always was complimenting how beautiful she was or making other related comments. Initially I didn't really care. But then some months later she mentioned something that he said again. At this point I took notice because this is a guy she works with regularly and he is obviously making more than a one-off comment. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that perhaps there is a chance he didn't know she was already taken because she said that she really isn't friends with him or talk to him more than a "hello" in passing.
> 
> A couple more months go by and I decided to do a certain gesture for my girlfriend. It involved showing up at her work with something, I would describe it as a "grand gesture". I had no motive for this gesture to be a way of making my existence to other men at her work known, but I only mention it because at this point it would be impossible for Sam to no longer be unaware of me.
> Some additional weeks go by, and she mentions how her friend, who is also friends with Sam, tells her that Sam is planning on professing his feelings to her and was writing her a poem. She says the friend advised Sam this was a bad idea, as she was taken and that her boyfriend (me) was very attractive and that he would just get shot down. Sam said that he didn't care and he just wanted to let his love be known.
> 
> When she told me all this, she was laughing and I truly believe she felt it was just some innocent crush that had no chance of going anywhere. She seemed surprised that I was quite offended by Sam's behavior. I told her what he was doing had crossed the line into being inappropriate, and that he was being disrespectful to our relationship. She said that I should not worry because he was very unattractive and that she loves me so I had nothing to worry about. I asked, "so if he WAS attractive? THEN I should worry?" Her response was "no no that came out wrong. I'm just pointing out that he's just some sad boy who has a little boy crush on me, and that everyone is telling him how dumb it is and even being mean telling him 'have you SEEN her boyfriend? You cannot compare' You really have nothing to worry about!" (I am not saying this to e-brag whatsoever, only stating the events.)
> 
> Now to me, I could care less what he looks like. She is an extremely attractive woman and she gets a lot of male attention, so naturally there will be some really ugly men, some really attractive men, and lots that lie somewhere in the middle. Where the man falls on the attractiveness bell curve is not what bothers me. What bothered me is some other man disrespecting me by continually hitting on my girl, even after knowing we are in a committed relationship. To me, this is a slap in the face. Well, we debated back and forth for a while about this, my point being he was disrespectful and that she should address it with her superiors. Her position being that as long as she doesn't lead him on or be inappropriate back, that she wasn't doing anything wrong. Eventually she did tell me she understood my perspective better, and that she felt it was unfair to report him to a manager before telling him to stop personally and giving him a chance to quit. I decided I could live with this and she promised to tell him to back off the next time he said anything. About a week later she told me that he made another compliment and she told him that she was happily taken and that he needed to stop telling her things like that. Although my ideal outcome was that he be reported for harassment, I felt okay with this compromise and everything continued on happily.
> 
> UNTIL TODAY. My girlfriend and I finished celebrating an awesome Valentine's Day together, when she told me, "I need to tell you something. It's not bad, just kinda strange. I just feel like I should tell you." It turns out that what she wanted to tell me was, that a completely different coworker whom I never heard about before, decided to buy some big teddy bear and valentines card for her. He gave it to her at work but kind of dropped it off quickly while she was in the middle of hectic work, so they didn't really exchange words about it, and he ended up going home before she saw him again. The card was some mushy stuff about how shes a beautiful person and that he hopes to see her again (Turns out he is quitting soon). While I was mildly annoyed that some other guy who knew she was taken did something like this, it didn't bother me much and we kinda just laughed it off. She wanted to know if she should throw the bear away and if she should say anything if she sees him again before his last day. She said she probably needed to tell him she has a boyfriend and not to do anything like that again. My response was that she should just do whatever she would like for me to do if the roles were reversed, whether that meant ignoring it or telling the guy she was taken. This segued into a general conversation about situations like this where she gets male attention. I told her that it didn't bother me when it's just an insignificant comment, but if it was consistent like the situation with Sam, then I would definitely want her to take steps to make sure it stopped.
> She then told me, "some men just don't get it. no matter what you tell them they don't stop so you just have to ignore them. Like Sam, he still looks at me with puppy dog eyes all the time. He doesn't say anything to me anymore but hes obviously still obsessed. You just can't stop them"
> 
> Me: You absolutely can stop them, you just report them to your boss because its harassment once you've informed them your uncomfortable. They handle it for you, its part of their job.
> 
> Her: It's really not that serious, he just has a little crush. And you can't get fired for looking at someone.
> 
> Me: Yeah I mean thats true, I don't mind if he's looking because how can you complain about a look, but if he said anything inappropriate AT ALL again, then its absolutely serious. Because you've already told him once to stop. Don't you think its serious?
> 
> Her: I dont know, I mean I just ignore him as much as possible.
> 
> Me: Wait, so he HAS said additional things since you told him to stop?
> 
> Her: I mean, he has maybe told me that I'm beautiful a couple times. You can't report someone for telling you that you're pretty!
> 
> Me: You're over simplifying it. He didn't just say you're pretty. He has consistently hit on your for months and months, and now continues to do so after you've told him to stop. Thats practically the definition of sexual harassment.
> 
> I will now condense what her argument was as much as possible because our discussion was too lengthy to post here. Let me say that I am being as unbiased as possible and just stating what she told me. She believes that since she told him once to stop, that from this point on when he says any flirtatious comments as long as she is loyal to me and doesn't reciprocate, that she has done all that she needs to do. She says that she simply doesn't care what the guy says to her because there is nothing more she can do, and that you just cannot make someone stop hitting on you if they don't want to. As long as it's only words and not grossly explicit or physical, just ignoring these comments are more than sufficient. she does believe his behavior is inappropriate, but just doesn't feel compelled to make effort to stop it
> 
> In contrast, my argument is that you CAN do something to stop this behavior. The steps for doing so are probably have their own chapter in the employee handbook. I think Sam has substantially crossed boundaries which were already quiet lenient and forgiving and now should face whatever consequences the company has outlined. I told her that at MINIMUM she should confront him about the comments again, in a much firmer and explicit manner, with a warning that any additional comments would be taken to management. She still believes the one time she told him was all she "needed" to do.
> 
> The reason I feel this way is two-fold. #1, I feel that his behavior is disrespectful to our relationship. He knows that we are together and sees no issue in trying to come between us. I feel it is my girlfriend's duty to defend our relationship from offensive behavior, not look the other way. I don't think just being loyal is "enough". I liken it to..if someone insulted her personality, I would feel obligated to stand up for her. I want her to feel obligated to stand up for us and take action to stop this guy. And #2, I am left wondering if her position on this topic is a red flag for future problems. If she has trouble maintaining and enforcing boundaries now with some guy who has been described as quite unattractive, then SHOULD I be worrying down the line when Mr. Dreamy McDreamerson decides to be equally persistent? All the time you hear about men or women who go through a rough patch and end up cheating with some person who'd been lurking in the background for a long time. To me, inability to shut down this guy is an indicator for future issues.
> 
> To close, this is the girl that I am envisioning my future with. She's been everything I could ask for. She is sort of shy and timid so I understand why she is reluctant to make a claim to HR or management. She literally will just keep an item that was defective rather than have to face the returns people at a store (lol). But that doesn't change my belief that this is something that SHOULD be taken further. Whether that means an additional warning to the guy, or to management, I am not okay with the policy of "just ignore him." I would appreciate any advice or similar stories that you went through. Thank you.
> 
> tl;dr: Girlfriend has coworker that won't stop hitting on her. She told him once to stop. He didn't. Now she says she doesn't care what he says because she's loyal to me anyway. I want her to report him to HR.


Hello wgth,

The good news is you present a clear cut case, because it has al the standard items. Great, you have come to the right place. The bad news is your relationship is already in deep trouble, and maybe so because of your lacking of the right responses to her contacts with other men. There are many red flags here. You have to correct your attitude towards them, because your behavior contains many red flags too. Too soft, too Beta, and leading straight away into a relation crash. :surprise:


----------



## See_Listen_Love

jdawg2015 said:


> OP, you've got a bigger problem then her going to HR. She likes the attention and does not respect your view.
> 
> She doesn't even need to go to HR. A simple, "I've got a boyfriend and I would appreciate you respect that" As all us guys know, the minute a women mentions her BF or husband that's instant code language to back off.
> 
> HR is not the answer, the answer is that your gf is giving guys the idea she's either not taken or that your relationship is not serious.
> 
> I may have missed it but how old are you two? Don't marry her as she's not proven to be solid AT ALL!!! What's the scoop on opposite sex friends do you guys do 1:1 with them or is that off-limits? You two need to get some boundaries in place. The bear and now the other guys means she's not making it obvious she has a serious BF. That's for sure.
> 
> Now, how do you fix this? STOP negotiating with her. This is a case where she gets it or she doesn't. If you beg then you give her power. You need to be willing to risk losing her and telling her exactly your boundaries and expectations.
> 
> I would tell her, "my love, I'm not going to ever be pinned down as a jealous or controlling guy but the fact that you have several cases where men still make passes at you makes me feel like you don't make it clear that we are in a serious relationship."


This! :|


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## See_Listen_Love

turnera said:


> You also may want to read a couple books: No More Mr Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life Primer.
> 
> You are close to slipping into her friend zone. At which point, she WILL choose the guy who is pursuing her the most.



You find a free copy of the first (search for a link on these forums) and blog posts of the second online. Start reading and change. It will help you make a success of this relation, of if it is too late already, of the next.


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## Celes

jdawg2015 said:


> My ex wife is to this day a very attractive woman. And during the few times she had an aggressive one come along she was able to block them without fail.
> 
> To say that a woman can't get a point across to an aggressive guy is complete hogwash.
> 
> When a woman tells a guy, "Let me get this through as clearly as possible, I want no further comments or advances from you and I'll gladly let you talk to my bf/husband about" or any other similar words makes it very clear. My ex wife did this very thing.
> 
> I have always dated attractive women. I'm used to ALL of them getting hit on and know the difference between those who accept or those who reject.
> 
> And I also have a pretty good idea of threats vs just let it go.
> 
> In this case, the fact that she has two separate guys doing things tells me she has boundary issues. The Valentine's thing would be more of a concern for me then the Sam dude. Not because of the guy, but because I would sense that my gf is appearing to be available.
> 
> It's extremely rare for a guy to send a Valentine's Day item to a woman known to have a bf. He got a signal somewhere that it would be ok. From my view, she's not totally at fault but I also see some plausible deniability as well.


I never said that a woman can't get her point across to an aggressive guy. I said that telling them you have a bf and to stop is not a guarantee that they will back off. You said even players would back off. Which they don't, I know first hand. In this case, she's already told this guy to stop then ignored him when he tried to talk to her again. OP is just mad she's not making a scene about it to HR, which to me would be completely overreacting.


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## jdawg2015

I agree HR is not the way to go.

I don't agree with you that you can't get a guy to back off. Already gave examples but guys clearly know when they've been shot down for good.

Last resort is tell the guy he is free to talk to your bf/husband if he wants to continue. If that doesn't get it done THEN it's time to tell him one more time you'll be speaking to HR.

To say you're completely helpless is plausible deniability.



Celes said:


> I never said that a woman can't get her point across to an aggressive guy. I said that telling them you have a bf and to stop is not a guarantee that they will back off. You said even players would back off. Which they don't, I know first hand. In this case, she's already told this guy to stop then ignored him when he tried to talk to her again. OP is just mad she's not making a scene about it to HR, which to me would be completely overreacting.


----------



## Celes

jdawg2015 said:


> I agree HR is not the way to go.
> 
> I don't agree with you that you can't get a guy to back off. Already gave examples but guys clearly know when they've been shot down for good.
> 
> Last resort is tell the guy he is free to talk to your bf/husband if he wants to continue. If that doesn't get it done THEN it's time to tell him one more time you'll be speaking to HR.
> 
> To say you're completely helpless is plausible deniability.


Dude, stop putting words in my mouth. I never said you can't get a guy to back off. I said just telling them you have a bf or husband is not always enough to make them go away, geez. Of course you can get your point across. Sometimes it takes more than just telling them you're with someone. Some guys really are persistent enough to keep bothering a woman even knowing she's with someone. Then yes, you have to escalate until they stop. 

Personally, I don't use the bf/husband excuse because players will try anyway with the comments I mentioned earlier and some other guys somehow think that means if you didn't have a bf or husband then they would have a shot. So I just tell men "Sorry, I'm not interested". Direct and to the point.


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## jdawg2015

Your post makes is sound like a person is helpless.

Having a BF/husband is definitely is a good first step. You imply it's a useless tactic. I don't agree and gave an example of how to use the BF/husband as a way to get a guy to back off. 

Your posts imply that the GF is 100% innocent. I also don't agree with that. 

PS: Take your "dude" elsewhere. Your being so quick to reply in a snarky tone tells me all I need to know about you:wink2: 




Celes said:


> Dude, stop putting words in my mouth. I never said you can't get a guy to back off. I said just telling them you have a bf or husband is not always enough to make them go away, geez. Of course you can get your point across. Sometimes it takes more than just telling them you're with someone. Some guys really are persistent enough to keep bothering a woman even knowing she's with someone. Then yes, you have to escalate until they stop.
> 
> Personally, I don't use the bf/husband excuse because players will try anyway with the comments I mentioned earlier and some other guys somehow think that means if you didn't have a bf or husband then they would have a shot. So I just tell men "Sorry, I'm not interested". Direct and to the point.


----------



## jdawg2015

Just to be clear, a guy at work giving a Valentine gift, as I understand from the OP, it a lot more than getting hit on or complimented. 

I'm pretty secure when it comes to a woman and getting hit on or looked at and I'd have issues with the Valentine thingy. That is way beyond a simple, "hi gorgeous" or simple flirt. 

And she has to have some behavior or actions to the guy to make him feel it's ok even if she has a boyfriend. 




OliviaG said:


> I think there's too much paranoia here. Attractive people get hit on; so what else is new? This will go on for decades, but she'll soon get wise and quit telling her bfs about it as it serves no purpose other than to make him feel insecure in the relationship and jealous.
> 
> Eventually, OP, she'll only tell you about the guys that scare her if she wants you to step in. She sounds young and hasn't yet figured out that she should keep the harmless comments and flirtations from you to spare your feelings.


----------



## jdawg2015

You just made a lot of discussion that is not what happened here. I
If you go back and read OPs post you'll realize that the GF told OP that maybe should should let the guy know she has a BF. So obviously after working together and the guy is clueless that she has a BF, too me, would be concerning. 

And, she asked if she should throw away the bear. I think it's Captain Obvious a GF should not keep a Valentine gift from another guy given the circumstances of the gift.

OP's relationship with his GF is not as strong as he thinks. She's definitely not fully committed to him based on her actions of people not knowing she has a boyfriend. Huge red flag.



OliviaG said:


> If it was an overt romantic gesture, okay. She should just tell him that she can't accept the gift; she is in a relationship. That's it.
> 
> But maybe the guy got the same thing for all the girls in the office - I knew a guy who used to bring in roses for all the ladies in the office from his own garden once in a while; a rose on every woman's desk. Charming, but not flirtatious.
> 
> I've had men leave me little gifts in my office (candy, a plant, etc). Just a friendly gesture, knowing it was something I liked, not flirting at all. Sometimes this stuff is a token of friendship or just goodwill.


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## AliceA

Couple of things I take from this:

1) She enjoys the attention and finds it flattering

2) She'll let people step all over her, including you

3) You want a doberman but you picked a chihuahua. Maybe she'll grow to be more assertive as she gets older and wiser, or maybe she won't. You can try and influence her development in this area but don't expect her to change overnight.


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## jsmart

Your wife is enjoying this guy's attention. It makes her feel guilty so she tells you about it. This guy is being persistent and will eventually wear her down and then you'll stop hearing about this guy. Because by then, it'll be an EA heading toward PA. 

Happens so often. I don't know how many threads I read on LS from WWs explaining how their OM was not there type and he wasn't even coming up on her radar until he let her know how he felt. Woman respond to action. This guy is busting the move. So far he hasn't hit pay dirt but if you know anything about achieving things in life. Persistence wins the day. 

This guy is going after his target and your wife is not shutting it down. That either means, she's not into you as much as you think or she's the type of woman that allows things to happen to her. Either problem is really bad. A woman that can't / won't shut interlopers down, is not a keeper.


----------



## Peaf

^^^ I watched this happen very recently at work. (And since OPs GF mentioned this as a reason not to be concerned), the guy was extremely unattractive. But he was persistent and attentive, and eventually he got what he wanted (and still is in a year long affair). In fact, this guy had TWO affairs going at the same time...lol. Ugly doesn't always matter.


----------



## eric1

She needs Pretty Girl Guy Repellant

Heart ring faced inwards
Picture of boyfriend on desk
Picture of the two of you as her desktop background

If that doesn't drop the hint very strongly then the guy is an extreme creeper or an orbiting weirdo and can be dealt with as harshly as necessary .


----------



## Celes

jdawg2015 said:


> Your post makes is sound like a person is helpless.
> 
> Having a BF/husband is definitely is a good first step. You imply it's a useless tactic. I don't agree and gave an example of how to use the BF/husband as a way to get a guy to back off.
> 
> Your posts imply that the GF is 100% innocent. I also don't agree with that.
> 
> PS: Take your "dude" elsewhere. Your being so quick to reply in a snarky tone tells me all I need to know about you


Why are you having such a hard time understanding that telling a guy you have a bf or husband is not a guarantee they will leave you alone? You claimed even a player would get the hint. I disagreed and gave examples how. Somehow you twist that around to say I claim people are helpless? Do you have that hard of a time of being proved wrong? No one is helpless. Your I have a bf line is just not as efficient as you think. Not useless but not some kind of guaranteed man repeller like you think it is. Guess that's what's getting you butthurt. 

No, I don't think the girl is 100% innocent either but she is young and probably has a hard time dealing with all the attention. But to me, it sounds like she's taking the right steps.


----------



## Wolf1974

I have seen both good and bad examples of this form my own experience. My X wife was attractive and a flirt. She loved the attention men gave her at work and loved even more telling me about it. It was a game she played continuously and always was the victim role and that these guys are all harmless... 

I have dated fitness instructors, X models, and my current Gf is also very beautiful. One of the key things I look for is how they have all handled situations where they are hit on. My personal expectation is they tell the person no kindly once that they are involved. Second time they make a demand that it stops. Third time they get work involved. Beautiful women will get hit on and have been throughout their lives. They know how to handle it and shut that stuff down. form your story sounds like she isn't willing to shut this completely down. Either she really believes this is "harmless" and enjoys the attention, or she just flat out wants to keep the guy in the available pool. Either way she isn't setting a boundary herself and doesn't care about yours. I would be concerned in your shoes.


----------



## turnera

OliviaG said:


> I think there's too much paranoia here. Attractive people get hit on; so what else is new? This will go on for decades, but she'll soon get wise and quit telling her bfs about it as it serves no purpose other than to make him feel insecure in the relationship and jealous.
> 
> Eventually, OP, she'll only tell you about the guys that scare her if she wants you to step in. She sounds young and hasn't yet figured out that she should keep the harmless comments and flirtations from you to spare your feelings.


Or she'll eventually stop telling you about them altogether because she doesn't like that you're not 'fighting for her' (metaphorically, of course, not physically), and she may become disappointed with you, and those other guys might start looking more attractive - after all, they ARE pursuing her and you're not. And eventually, you'll never even know that one of those pursuers is making headway. 

When she tells you about one, what's your response? Do you grin and grab her close and give her a good passionate kiss, pick her up, and carry her into the bedroom to 'claim' her? Or do you just laugh and say 'oh honey, that's so cute. What's for dinner?'


----------



## Marduk

Your girlfriend is a drama queen that loves attention from other guys.

The whole "she's hot so she gets hit on" is BS. I've dated many beautiful women and married two. They all got hit on, and they all knew how to stop it if they wanted. My wife may get hit on by a guy... Once.

The whole "I don't know how to stop it" is also BS. I've never met a woman yet that didn't know how to shut down unwanted attention from men (unless they don't listen of course and then it's time for HR to get involved).

I'd move on, man -- unless you want a lifetime of this.


----------



## Marduk

eric1 said:


> She needs Pretty Girl Guy Repellant
> 
> Heart ring faced inwards
> Picture of boyfriend on desk
> Picture of the two of you as her desktop background
> 
> If that doesn't drop the hint very strongly then the guy is an extreme creeper or an orbiting weirdo and can be dealt with as harshly as necessary .


She needs to give off the "**** off" vibe instead of the "please pay attention to me" vibe.

All the rest is theatre that supports this.


----------



## spunkycat08

jsmart said:


> Your wife is enjoying this guy's attention. It makes her feel guilty so she tells you about it. This guy is being persistent and will eventually wear her down and then you'll stop hearing about this guy. Because by then, it'll be an EA heading toward PA.
> 
> Happens so often. I don't know how many threads I read on LS from WWs explaining how their OM was not there type and he wasn't even coming up on her radar until he let her know how he felt. Woman respond to action. This guy is busting the move. So far he hasn't hit pay dirt but if you know anything about achieving things in life. Persistence wins the day.
> 
> This guy is going after his target and your wife is not shutting it down. That either means, she's not into you as much as you think or she's the type of woman that allows things to happen to her. Either problem is really bad. A woman that can't / won't shut interlopers down, is not a keeper.


*jsmart*

The OP's significant other is his girlfriend, *not *his wife.


----------



## spunkycat08

eric1 said:


> She needs Pretty Girl Guy Repellant
> 
> Heart ring faced inwards
> Picture of boyfriend on desk
> Picture of the two of you as her desktop background
> 
> If that doesn't drop the hint very strongly then the guy is an extreme creeper or an orbiting weirdo and can be dealt with as harshly as necessary .


From personal experience females can act the same way around a guy who has a significant other.

My husband *had *a female friend who acted like this while we were dating.

I would label her as an orbiter.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

So we haven't heard from you in the past day but have heard from many TAMers.

My take is a bit different.

First - turnera's book recommendations are good - check them out.

Second - yes a guy chipping away at boundaries is a huge concern.

But I think you need to go a different route here. Catholics have pre Cana (sp?) classes where a mediator listens to both partners separately and listens and evaluates the relationship. It provides an independent set of eyes and ears to see things objectively. Obviously there are religious aspects, but there are also general relationship issues that are explored.

I think you guys would do well to consider a couples retreat or a relationship counselor. I know I will get screamed at as being over reactive , but I see significant communication and empathy issues here. They are minor and addressable, but they are significant in that they might bring you guys back in 7 years after the negative impacts ruin the relationship.

You might need better ways to be heard. She might need better ways to hear and be heard. You and she need to learn how to safely and thoroughly explore these problems and create mutually acceptable responses you both can live with. She is probably weak - she needs to understand what she risks by allowing these weaknesses to persist. You need to know how to provide strength and direction she will take.

It's entirely appropriate to see someone at your stage in a relationship. Just tell her you are crazy about her and want to be a better BF but you need help learning how to communicate and listen better. It's ok to take it in yourself to get her to go. Then voice your concerns with the mediator present and work through solutions 

I'm glad you are here and see the red flags. This can be a good relationship but I hope you get help.


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## sumij

You've said your girlfriend is shy. I can share my story so you might understand better. I too am very open and friendly with everyone. When I was younger, I never realized this was a "green light" for men. When they would hit on me, I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so many times I'd just try to avoid them, rather than be honest. I've now learned to say hello, smile and then look away. I've found it's much better to speak differently to my women friends than my male friends. With women, they know I'm not interested. If your girlfriend doesn't want this attention, she'll need to change her style of communication. 

She also needs to understand just how upsetting it is for you. Maybe she does, maybe not. But if you can suggest ways in which to avoid these situations in the future, like the example I gave above, she has it within her power to stop the flirting. She sounds like someone who cares, but hasn't developed strong enough boundaries. However, that doesn't mean you have to suffer.


----------



## drifting on

OP

Take a day off work, don't tell her you have done this. The day before you are off take her to dinner, tell her what she means to you. Tell her you would like nothing more then to marry her and be together for a lifetime. Tell her she is everything you have ever wanted and more. This is the best relationship you have ever had, that you want nothing more to cultivate this relationship into a perfect marriage. 

When you get home, let her know you will visit her at work for lunch. But before you go to lunch you will need to stop by Sams desk to have a little word with him. It's just an innocent word just as his little crush and comments are. She should be fine with this that you will shut down what she cannot. That is expected of you when she tries to shut it down but it doesn't work. Then tell her you had wanted to get engaged, but since she is still open to compliments continuously from the same man, you will need to rethink where her loyalty and dedication lie. 

You see it's very difficult to marry someone who is liking the compliments of another man. It's worse that she explains it as a little boy crush which has me thinking its enjoyed by her. Last and the worst part is that she will not stop a penetration into her relationship that clearly is disliked by you. That is displaying protection to Sam, that she can't shut it down, and if she tells you not to then I would view her as someone who is not marriage material. So your girlfriend certainly has her plate full as to which she prefers. 

If she allows you to speak with Sam you tell him that sexual harassment will be reported for any compliments. I would say a few more things to him but I can't put them here without being banned.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015

It's the #1 repellent. A woman can ALWAYS shoot down a guy and make it damn clear. I did not say guarantee but it's a very effective to mention bf/husband. And if guy pushes the second time you can escalate as well. My ex gf used to tell me that if a guy hit on her once, she'd let them down easy. Second time would always be harsh. And she's in a very professional field. I gave you examples but you're too busy trying to prove me wrong.

You do realize I'm a guy, right? I've been around the block more than long enough to know how it works. I had to sound cliché but I have seen it all

In OP's case (assuming not a troll post as he's long gone), the Valentine dude was totally aware she had a BF. 



Celes said:


> Why are you having such a hard time understanding that telling a guy you have a bf or husband is not a guarantee they will leave you alone?


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## Celes

jdawg2015 said:


> It's the #1 repellent. A woman can ALWAYS shoot down a guy and make it damn clear. I did not say guarantee but it's a very effective to mention bf/husband. And if guy pushes the second time you can escalate as well. My ex gf used to tell me that if a guy hit on her once, she'd let them down easy. Second time would always be harsh. And she's in a very professional field. I gave you examples but you're too busy trying to prove me wrong.
> 
> You do realize I'm a guy, right? I've been around the block more than long enough to know how it works. I had to sound cliché but I have seen it all
> 
> In OP's case (assuming not a troll post as he's long gone), the Valentine dude was totally aware she had a BF.


Uhh yeah you're a guy... so? Is that supposed to be your trump card? So you get hit on by men all the time and know exactly what to do? LOL. Dude, you're getting desperate. Let's just agree to disagree. All I said was that players don't just back down when you tell them you have a bf. You know, because I'm an actual woman who's used that line and have seen them try anyway (since we're pulling gender cards here). Don't worry now, don't need more examples about your gfs, I've always able to shut down men just fine even when they persist.The amount of butthurt over that comment has just been entertaining. 

I'll stand by my opinion that telling a guy you're just not interested (no fluff, no excuses) is the best repellent. And I'm going to keep using it :wink2:


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## jdawg2015

HAHA. Glad you're worked up on this but I don't bait posts like this.

Umm, like dude, umm, move along. Like, totally.





Celes said:


> Uhh yeah you're a guy... so? Is that supposed to be your trump card? So you get hit on by men all the time and know exactly what to do? LOL. Dude, you're getting desperate. Let's just agree to disagree. All I said was that players don't just back down when you tell them you have a bf. You know, because I'm an actual woman who's used that line and have seen them try anyway (since we're pulling gender cards here). Don't worry now, don't need more examples about your gfs, I've always able to shut down men just fine even when they persist.The amount of butthurt over that comment has just been entertaining.
> 
> I'll stand by my opinion that telling a guy you're just not interested (no fluff, no excuses) is the best repellent. And I'm going to keep using it :wink2:


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## The Middleman

There are 3 things you can do:


1. You can talk to this jerk that is harassing your girlfriend and 'set him straight;' that you won't tolerate him any longer. In a sense, threaten him.

2. You can report this issue to your Girlfriend's employer yourself. Once it's reported, no matter who reports it, it must be investigated. No employer that I know of would let this go. 

3. Do nothing, let her handle it and hope she doesn't bend to his 'charms'.

I think you need to do some c0ck blocking here, despite what your girlfriend says. The big question you need to ask yourself before you do this is: What will your girlfriend say or do, if you did this proactive action. Would it jepordize your relationship with her or will she end the relationship if you take matters into your own hands? If you were married, I would say that taking matters into your own hands is an absolute must, but not being married, the situation is a little different; she might walk.


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## Peaf

There's no way I'd confront someone and make a fool of myself for someone who doesn't sound like she's really wanting this to stop. (Although if you did, you just might get some conflicting info to what she's been giving you).

It is not the GUY who is the problem, it's HER lack of concern where her man and relationship are concerned. This guy, that guy, there will always be some guy if she doesn't want to put a stop to it.

I definitely say leave it in her hands. The way she handles it will speak volumes.


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## nirvana

Peaf said:


> There's no way I'd confront someone and make a fool of myself for someone who doesn't sound like she's really wanting this to stop. (Although if you did, you just might get some conflicting info to what she's been giving you).
> 
> It is not the GUY who is the problem, it's HER lack of concern where her man and relationship are concerned. This guy, that guy, there will always be some guy if she doesn't want to put a stop to it.
> 
> I definitely say leave it in her hands. The way she handles it will speak volumes.


Good points.

I think the OP should draw a line in the sand and say what is acceptable and what is not. It's then up to her to decide. If she cannot live with them, then she can walk.


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