# Trying To Move On From My Failed Marriage



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Hello,

Some of you have maybe seen me on here the past couple of years. Very short version:

2 years ago, perfect marriage, suddenly for 2 months, things got weird. Wife said she wasn't sure if she loved me. Life spiraled out of control. Started snooping, discovered she had seen another man 2000 miles away while visiting her family.

Spent 2 years trying to fix things, 3 different counselors, none held her accountable for her actions, instead I kept trying to "fix" myself, all the while becoming less of a man. The last several months had been going so well (so I thought) as I had gotten a good job, unfortunately it is 90 miles away, so I am unable to be home every night. We felt this would give us space and time to reflect. 

She had gone back to school the last two years, an expensive school, she is using the rest of my G.I. bill to pay for this year. We have a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy, she left them both behind to go on this stupid vacation that I told her we couldn't afford, with a high school girlfriend. Things were getting weird again, and after she got back I found the flight itinerary in her bag that showed she set up a layover in Toronto on her way to Asia, and she had gone to see HIM again. This was 15 minutes after we finished opening up gifts with the kids on our belated Christmas (we waited to celebrate till she got back). I STILL tried to fix things, told her she needed to get rid of him completely off Facebook for the sake of our family, she states:

"I do NOT want to be married, I do not love you, you will not tell me who I can and can not be friends with"

That was last Sunday, so all of this is very fresh and painful.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Ouch. Anyway hurts but that is pretty harsh. So sorry you are here.



Po12345 said:


> I STILL tried to fix things, told her she needed to get rid of him completely off Facebook for the sake of our family


You say that like a bad thing. Seems pretty much spot on to me. her agreeing to NC with him would have been the very simplest and most basic thing she needed to do if you had any chance of working through it. 

She delayed her family Christmas for her ****? Damn, whatever your issues, YOU and your KIDS deserve better than that.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Want to split this up so it isn't so huge...

She is done, completely. She has checked out of the marriage, says that she did so 2 years ago and that she was just "going through the motions". She never even tried, considering she never gave up contact with the other man. I made HUGE mistakes in all of this and it is too late now. 

She is willing to give up the kids for 9 months out of the year to me. She isn't interested in the house, says I can keep it, or we can split revenue if I sell it. The house was reappraised for less than what we own, so no real revenue as we refinanced 2 years ago anyway. 

Because I work 90 miles from home and I'm locked into this job for 18 months, until March 1st of 2013 till I can hopefully transfer back closer to home, there is no one to watch my children, so she has to stay in the house for the time being. 

I pay for most everything, the mortgage, bills, all utilities, her car payment (500 a month there), cable/internet, cell phones. I am trying to be as cordial as I can with her because she is willing to give me the children for the majority of the year, and right now that is my NUMBER ONE priority, taking care of my kids. My wife and I still talk, I think she'd sleep in the same bed if I wanted to (I am sleeping in my son's room), we talk on the phone everyday while I'm at work, she's just simply "done" with the marriage.

This next few months is going to be very difficult, my parents live in the area so I can stay with them, they are attempting to clean their house up (my mom is a bit of a hoarder and they let things get out of hand) but my wife has absolutely no way to make it on her own and she doesn't see it. 

I know that I should be saying "F YOU" and running like hell but the last two years, wasted away in trying to fix things, spent all my time wrapped up in trying to help my wife fulfill her goals that I lost track of all of my goals, I have been on medication for PTSD and massive anxiety, never have had to use anything like that before. My job is truly good, I make 60k a year (military full time) and my supervisors are supportive and understanding as to what is going on.

I know at some point I have to accept that I cannot change this woman, that we are through. I am trying so hard. To make matters worse I work in a single man armory, I have a couple recruiters that work there too, thank God for them, very good family men and spiritual like me, but I stay at the building 3 nights a week to save money, as we are so broke from my wife's educational expenses. 

Currently we are seperating out accounts, I am getting her removed from mine and vice versa, we are attempting to get out from under a car that we owe 27K on but is worth 24K, but even in doing so today she was STILL looking at brand new cars for 18 to 20K instead of looking at good 10 year old cars for 5 to 6K that she can actually afford when she is on her own.

I'm at a loss as to what to do, I'm trying to get her to go to counseling on her own, she seems somewhat receptive but she balks about "not having the time" as she goes to school 8 to 3 every day and does about 25 hours a week transcription work from the home. I'm coming to grips like I said that this marriage is over but I really wish she'd go get some help because I fear 6 months down the road she'll be so hopeless that she'll contemplate suicide, she is going to be so broke, she has no sense of money whatsoever.

I know the responses are going to be that I'm stupid, that I need to end it quick, take the concessions she is offering and run run run... I wish I didn't care about her the way that I do. Understand it has only been a week for me, after two years of believing we could fix things. I feel so broken myself sometimes that I don't know what to do  I feel so horrible for my children, they are going to suffer because of her absolute foolishness and my terrible decision making as to how to handle this.

Please guys don't be too harsh on me about this but do offer me advice or whatever, sometimes I just need to talk... this isn't as bad as two years ago but I do still feel very alone and I think my friends and family, although not saying it directly, are thinking "good god son get over this and move on already", I have a sister that won't even talk to me now


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Oh, and I forgot to mention, if you don't read it in the other thread... the OM is a married man in Toronto, with 2 young boys of his own. It isn't like she's going to be running to him.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Whew..

That is rough, man.

Your title says "trying to move on". Is that what you are doing? Seems a little early for that since you just went through D-Day #2.

She clearly stated she wants out, that she does not love you, but she refers to OM as a "friend". That sounds foggy as hell to me.

What I would be concerned about are the logistics: OM is another country (!) and you and your wife have 2 kids together. If she walks, is she going to want to move there? 

Please start talking to a lawyer as soon as possible.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

K.C. said:


> Ouch. Anyway hurts but that is pretty harsh. So sorry you are here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah, the trip really set us back financially, of course after she got back I realize it set us back in every possible way heh heh. Today while out looking for used cars, which in turn turned into looking for cheaper NEW cars, she started talking about how she is going to go back to a community college and restart again... 

WTF girl you have more than 200 credit hours from all over the place, it is TIME TO JUST SETTLE AND GET A JOB, even if it isn't with me. She's 34 years old, I'm 40. I never figured I'd be working full time for the military, I have about 14 more years before I can get to my 20 years (started late), it isn't a dream job but it works, and I can support my family, well, let's just say my children, as I don't really have a family anymore. She needs to just start working somewhere, other than this home transcription, she can NOt support herself on that, thank GOD I'll hopefully have the kids.

My wife truly doesn't know where she is in life, I just wish I wouldn't have been caught in this crossfire. She's been the worst sort of anchor the last 2 years and yet my stupid arse can't even get the strength up to cut that chain.

I'm currently back on the meds, taking a light dose of Fluvoximine, Ambien to sleep (only gives me about 3 hours though) and Ativan to combat massive anxiety flair ups. I was off these medications from September until I found out she went to see him again. The silver lining, as slight as it is, is that this isn't as bad as it was 2 years ago, I'm getting by a little better, not so hopeless. It isn't much but it is something.

Just read your thread, brother, hang in there... I didn't read it deeply but I can see you are having a lot of pain yourself...


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

staystrong said:


> Whew..
> 
> That is rough, man.
> 
> ...


The love she feels for the OM is unreciprocated, however it is powerful as hell and it destroyed her feelings for me. The reality of the situation is that she is in love with a ghost, the man screwed her over around 14 years ago and disappeared for 6 weeks, only reappearing after he was dating another woman, whom he is currently married to. The current version of the OM is not the person she's in love with, she's in love with an idea of where she wishes she would have ended up, with the guy that screwed her over, and that really really hurts me deep inside, that I offer everything I have and still she throws me away for an A-hole like him.

Like I said above, she is offering me the kids for 9 months out of the year but because of my job situation I'm not sure yet what to do. I am working through all my options, about selling the house, but moving closer to my military job wouldn't be the best because I have no support network there, at least here my parents can watch the children. Without a support network the military can conceivably end your career because you'd have no family plan if you were to suddenly need to be deployed. 

I'm trying to find out if I can get a waiver to move back to the Omaha/Lincoln NE area to be able to keep my house and kids and have my family to support me, but that would be a rare acception to policy, and I really do LOVE my current job. Sure I'm by myself but it allows me to take care of my building at my own pace, to work and feel free, and not be burdened by a-holes around me. 

But even my job just feels like so much stress now, I know it's the situation with my wife that is causing me to feel this way, I've dealt with it for so long now that I start to wonder if I'll ever be happy again.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So tonite at least she is being a tiny bit more reasonable. She is thinking of trading our pickup (pickup is paid off) in straight up to get about 5K off the cost of a used car, maybe getting something for under 15K. She is still very foolish though, I can NOT talk sense into her about getting a car under 10k. She does not realize what is about to happen when she has her own apartment, with cable/internet costs, car insurance, cell phone bill, car payment, gas/electric bill (generally likely in an apartment), maybe even a water bill, she will no longer be on my tri-care insurance, which is excellent and completely free... I will no longer be around to bail her out on anything. And if I wanted to be a real A-hole I could go after her for child support, considering she's giving me the kids for 9 months of the year (I have no intention of doing so, I just want some sort of closure on this).

She is insisting on getting an apartment alone yet lacks the monetary means to do so, nor does she have the fiscal responsibility to balance any sort of budget if she did create one, which I doubt she will. Her parents were always there to bail her out in the past, however 10 years later, I have a feeling they are going to be hard pressed now to do much for her. 

I sincerely hope she takes my advice and goes to talk to some sort of counselor, I know it may do her no good, but I find it hard to believe talking to SOMEONE other than Facebook would help her, especially someone impartial without anything in play. I realize she's done with me, but that doesn't mean I don't want her to get some help.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I know I'm posting a lot tonite, but feeling kind of lonely. 

I've come to realize that over the last two years of trying to fix this, when in fact it wasn't my problem to fix, that I lost myself in all of this. I'm so far from the confident person I was when this all began. As someone said in my story thread... and I really believe it because it is profound, it is more tragic to have lost myself in all of this than the one whom I thought was the love of my life 

I have to somehow reset my goals, get back into some sort of rhythm that doesn't involve work. I have to figure out how to be a single father with a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. I can change diapers, cook, read to them, I hold them and give them so much love, but I don't know the first thing about combing her hair, or makeup


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

This is so sad. Hang it there. It will get better.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know, very well, how tortorous this has been because I went through a similar situation. When my wife turned 35, she turned into a different person. For the next two years I tried absolutely everything I could to save my marriage. I too gave way too much of myself and so I know how doing that pushes them away. She's 37 now and I'm 40. Our divorce was finalized a couple of months ago.

Besides the 18 years of history together, what kept me trying for so long was my belief that I needed to take care of her. She was headed (in my opinion) down the wrong road in life - multiple affairs, tattoos, over spending, and just generally behaving like a teenager - I kept trying to "help" her because I didn't want her to wake up one day and suddenly realize what she did when it was too late to do anything about it. 

Now that our divorce is final and I look back over the past two years of hell that I put myself through, I realize a few things. I now realize that there is absolutely nothing I can do to protect her from herself. If she is hellbent on destroying her marriage and her life, then she will do it regardless of what I do. I have absolutely no ability to alter her chosen course.

I have also come to realize that just the act of trying to save her from herself is arrogant as hell on my part. Who am I to assume I know what's better for her then she does? I've learned to have more humility about everyone's differences and realize that we all have our own roads to walk - and sometime we have to walk alone.

Looking back on the last two years I see now that my pain wasn't just the loss of love (that wouldn't have taken me two years to get over) it was the loss of what I thought we would one day have. It was the loss of our happy future. But now, looking back over our past together, I see more clearly that what we had wasn't really what I thought we had. There were many red flags in our past (as it sounds like in yours) that I rationalized as "temporary changes" or things "we could fix" or whatever. When I look at our past and don't try and rationalize some of the things she did, I realize she was never really who I "hoped" she was or who I hoped she would one day become. This realization is sad, because in some ways it invalidates the last twenty years, but it's also uplifting because it invalidates my thoughts / hopes about our future. Those thoughts were pure fantasy.

I hope you are able to find the source of your pain - I suspect it is also rooted in more than the loss of your wife. Maybe the loss of what you thought your future family life would be like. For me at least, once I understood the true source of my extended pain and suffering I was able to come to terms with things. It's still hard, but I see now that it never worked and it would have never worked the way I was hoping it would. Good luck to you.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I took the kids to church today, trying to get a set routine and a moral compass for

or them, because I expect mom is not going to me in their lives all that much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So the xxit hit the fan when I got home today, apparently something about my wife not hearing anything from the OM for a week and he msg'ed her to tell her that I had called his wife. My wife is upset about this, she says this divorce issue is just supposed to be between me and her...

I told her that I was in every way within my right to contact his wife, that this failed to just be "between you and I" when she went to visit him the first time, and was compounded worse after she went to see him again. I also said that I would not have even thought about contacting her in the last several months because I truly believed things had been getting a lot better. 

She's of the opinion that I'm acting all "nice" to her and talking all sorts of nasty crap behind her back, calling her a ***** and a bxtch and everything else. I told her that is the furthest thing from the truth, that one of my sisters had called her a "b'tch" ONCE, and that I had actually stated "Don't go there" when she did. 

Even on this forum, which is anonymouse, I don't refer to my wife as a *****. I realize others on here will have opinions. I consider my wife to be someone who is very confused about life, unhappy, and looking to escape any way possible without realizing that happiness isn't something you are going to escape TO. 

She proceeded to read me a bunch of posts from that horrible journal she keeps private, wouldn't stop reading them, all sorts of things about her being angry that I looked at porn, or that I had yelled at her when I locked the keys in the pickup, she kept on digital journal of every time she was pissed at me (I already knew about this journal) over the last 5 years.

I told her that wasn't fair, that it focused on all the bad and didn't recognize any of the good. I said that we'd been over the fact that she had a journal before and that it was a pandora's box and i really didn't want to hear about it. Not just that, but she was picking and choosing, she left out the posts about this other guy where she talked about her feelings for him. 

Now she's laying in bed completely depressed... I guess I shouldn't really care, she's made up her mind that we are done, but here she is still in my house. 

One foot in front of the other, I really do need to maintain. As long as I can continue to do that, and let time slowly pass by, we will get to May, we can sell the house or do something different, and then we will go on from there. I wish I wasn't working 90 miles from home during the week


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

as far as your quote from the other thread goes;

I know exactly what you mean by that.

I felt like I lost 2 people through all of this as well, her and myself.

Hang in there, let your conscience guide you like a drill sergeant would. Let it fuel and motivate you. Be better than her, show her what she's missing out on by walking out. Real life will be hard for her if you are the sole provider right now. What an awakening she will experience.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Dude. Let her go. She's already gone. There's nothing left for you to do.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

dazedguy said:


> Dude. Let her go. She's already gone. There's nothing left for you to do.


I know this, if I didn't I wouldn't be in this area of the forum my friend. 

I have to figure out how to sell this house, how to deal with being 90 minutes away from both her and my family (at my job I mean). How to get out from under her upside down car loan and such. 

We are probably stuck in this house together for the next 6 months or so. Well, that's the plus on working so far from home I guess heh.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I know this, if I didn't I wouldn't be in this area of the forum my friend.
> 
> *I have to figure out how to sell this house, how to deal with being 90 minutes away from both her and my family (at my job I mean). How to get out from under her upside down car loan and such.*
> 
> We are probably stuck in this house together for the next 6 months or so. Well, that's the plus on working so far from home I guess heh.


D asap and Chapter 7 ? Will that help - clean up the crap and start fresh ?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

BigMac said:


> D asap and Chapter 7 ? Will that help - clean up the crap and start fresh ?


As a member of the military with a VA loan, a chapter 7 is not going to happen, would likely ruin my military career as I would lose my secret clearance with a bankruptcy. She did use her VA cert to get the loan but it would still tie back to me also due to our marriage. 

Another thought is just biting the bullet and making the insane drive every day back and forth to work but that's 1 hour and 20 minutes one way... I really don't want to do that, even if I get a decent 5 year old car that gets 40 miles per gallon that is still 20 dollars a day for gas alone, may as well have a cheapie one bedroom apartment for that here in the town I'm in. Another thought I've been considering is if there were a way to carpool but I don't know if that even exists out here. Of course all of are things I need to look into one way or the other. 

So much work to do, all because someone decided I'm not worth the effort


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

Smh


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't get it. I don't think they really understand all of the consequences.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

My wife is not right in the head, I don't mean that as an insult or anything. She has always been borderline agoraphobic, anxiety and depression issues, but I never complained, I worked with her on those issues, I loved her through them, because while she may be a small percentage messed up the vast majority was a joy to live with... that and and she dealt with my quirks, my immature anger, my negative reaction to stupid drivers, that sort of thing. 

But you get another person involved in the picture and that's really gotten things mixed up in her head, I really haven't a clue what she's thinking. Again, like I said, I can't fix her... I can't fix her, I CAN'T FIX HER. If I keep telling myself that maybe I'll get the point and let her go.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So I had a horrible day yesterday, just kept thinking about things all day long, about the last 10 years, about the past. I ended up heading home from work and she was laying in bed, at 5 in the afternoon, in the dark. She said "I'm not feeling well" but it just looked to me like she was avoiding being around while I was home. 

I made dinner, even added a salad to the plate, she finally came down for awhile, sat there, we ate, small talk, discussed trying to separate finances, getting a cheaper car, then talked about how her day went, how my day went, on and on. 

But she sat there wide eyed looking haggard with the 'jimmy leg' shaking really bad. I asked her if she was okay and she just said she was "tired". I just let out a long sigh and told her that I still didn't think this was right... to which she replied "I don't want to talk about it, it's over, done. There is nothing to discuss as far as the marriage".

I looked at her in that moment and saw a different person, a complete stranger, and I felt crushed... I realized by trying to live together for the next 5 months before we go for this divorce, that I will go through hell on earth. She then excused herself and went upstairs to lay down, at 7 pm. I played with the kids for awhile, but I was thinking about what I need to do. 

I went upstairs and told her that I was done living in the house. That I would move what I need for basic necessities, my clothing, my computer, to my parents house, that I would pick up the two kids and bring them with me for weekends. 

It is time. I tried for two years and did everything wrong, got shxtty counseling, no one held her accountable, she's in love with another man that she can't even have. She'll graduate from school in May, I told her we need to be out of the house by June 1 and we'll clean the house up really nice, get it ready to sell, and I'll keep making payments while living with my parents until I'm able to sell the house. The sad thing for her is that within 3 to 6 months she will be completely out of money and in a horrible state... basically a repeat of when we first met. I hope I'm strong enough to stay away from her.

This still isn't what I ever wanted in my life but if I really think about what my wife has done the last two years, I have to come to the realization that she has been selfish and cruel. Starting with seeing the other man 2 years ago, then letting me believe that this last 2 years we were working things out, all while she kept in contact with him, goes on a trip to asia we couldn't afford, leaving me and our 5 and 3 year old at home by ourselves over christmas, all while setting up a layover in her itinerary to see that same man again, utterly destroying me one last time, then insisting on a divorce while saying "I checked out two years ago" Really f'ed up. 

I have to forget about the wonderful woman I knew and married, she doesn't exist. WHen I remember all the things I just typed in that last paragraph, it makes it a little easier to make movements towards this divorce. I'm sure I'll still waffle but again, I can't fix her, and she doesn't believe she did anything wrong, and again, I have to remember just how cruel she's been.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Day 4 of no contact.. very hard. My parents have the children this weekend, I'm working all weekend long. 

I wish there was a switch just to turn the feelings off. It is so hard not to be angry at God about all of this, about the way things should be, about the way things are. Nothing seems fair. 

I know as days go by that this will begin at some point to become easier, but there is a long ways to go. Don't know what I would do if I didn't have my parents' support right now. I feel bad for my father, he's hurting a lot because of this, I can tell. He was my biggest support in the last two years, to keep plugging away, to keep supporting her, keep loving her, that she would come around. Now that it is apparent that is never likely to happen it is tough, he still wants to believe, even as I get angry with him about it and tell him that it is not going to happen. 

I'll keep staying at my parents, doing what I can do to survive. I have to take my wife to a medical appointment on Monday, I have no idea how i can even do that, I don't really want to talk to her but we'll be in a car together for a couple of hours. As much as awkward conversation sucks, awkward silence is even worse. 

There are times now I don't think I'll ever trust anyone ever again.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I have to take my wife to a medical appointment on Monday, I have no idea how i can even do that, I don't really want to talk to her but we'll be in a car together for a couple of hours. As much as awkward conversation sucks, awkward silence is even worse.


Radio silence is golden.

Her health, feelings, or even how her day went by is no longer your problem so stop talking to her about those. Only conversations should be about kids and finances, nothing else. It's hard, I understand, we all went through it but you need to bite the bullet and do the 180. It's your best healing method for the long run.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

As much as possible try to focus on yourself. Let yourself mourn the loss and feel the pain and don't engage with your wife emotionally. Doing so will only cause you to have to repeat whatever mourning you've already done over again.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I will do my best. Day by day, talking to family members, staying away from her. This huge emotional hole needs to be filled, that is what I'm trying to do. Slowly it will happen. Keeping faith in my God and my children, trying not to be angry with God over all of this too.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Took her to her appointment today... she is basically a complete stranger to me these days. I keep reminding myself that this is not my fault. I am okay, i am not the one who wanted to destroy this marriage, I am not the one that ran to another man, that my wife is so willing to leave this marriage that she's giving me the kids for 9 months out of the year and conceding most everything from taking her debt to leaving the house, etc. She's the one who is f'ed up, but she doesn't see it yet. 

During the doctor's appointment, just before they put her under for the procedure, the nurse asked "Would you like to give your wife a quick kiss before we start?" and it was the most awkward moment I've been in in a long time... I just said "Nah, that's okay" and the nurse stabbed daggers at me with her eyes... Well, sorry to say, I don't exactly feel like being intimate with my wife in any way nor do I think she wants it for that matter either. Everything that involved them talking to me as "your husband" referring to my wife was strange, and made me very uncomfortable... another thing I never thought I'd experience but again, I didn't do this, I just have to accept it and move myself forward.

I gave her a ride back home, she went to bed, I told her I needed to get back to my parents to watch the kids, so I loaded up the laundry I had cleaned and packed my bags and took off. It is hard to do but I'm trying to let go of the past everytime I leave my house... and remember that, as stated, the woman in my house is a stranger, is not my friend, and has treated me worse in the last two years than anyone has ever treated me. 

As I move ahead day by day, I find myself soul searching, pondering the future, and I have to wonder... Will there EVER be a time when I ever trust another woman enough to get involved with? I just don't know how I could ever do it...


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Oh, and just to say, I suppose I should consider myself lucky in some ways, because my wife has completely cut me off emotionally... she cut 90% of it out 2 years ago but that little bit she was still giving kept me going, now she's completely cold. Although the last 2 years was hell on earth, I expect that getting past this will be easier than the time I spent trying everything I could to fix this, while she faked it and kept in contact with Mr A-hole.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

I know all to well what it feels like when your spouse goes cold. When I looked at my husband the last time I seen him his eyes were so dark-full of hate. What Im trying so hard to wrap my head around is WHY do we still want these ppl who could give two ****s about us? Doesnt make sense. Keep your head up there will be better days. Your wife doesnt deserve you. Let her go to POSOM because if they ever come together it wont last! And im with you on the trust thing.I have none...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

+1 on the trust. I have no idea how someone that has been on the receiving end of this could ever possibly be completely trusting of another partner again. I don't think it's possible.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So were was Mr. A-hole during this proceedure? Most likely with his family!
Geeze man you stand by her even after she screws you over! Whats the point, you get back home and she treats you with more disregard then when you were there for her at the hospital. I just don't get it! Were are the consequences for her choice?

You once loved this women, but she is not the same women you once knew!

What is your plan? Please sir, make a plan and work the plan, time is a wasting.

2 years of trying to nice your way out of this hasn't worked, it time brother to "just let her go"!!!!!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I will do my best. Day by day, talking to family members, staying away from her. This huge emotional hole needs to be filled, that is what I'm trying to do. Slowly it will happen. Keeping faith in my God and my children, trying not to be angry with God over all of this too.


It's okay to be angry with God. I was and told Him in prayer. I told Him just like I am talking with you right now. At one point, I even yelled a bit. I had to do it for myself. I then felt relieved and filled with grace. I don't know why. It just worked for me.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

the guy said:


> So were was Mr. A-hole during this proceedure? Most likely with his family!
> Geeze man you stand by her even after she screws you over! Whats the point, you get back home and she treats you with more disregard then when you were there for her at the hospital. I just don't get it! Were are the consequences for her choice?
> 
> You once loved this women, but she is not the same women you once knew!
> ...


Yes, I know, the plan is that I move in with my parents for the time being, that's where I've been staying. Selling the house is a must, problem is it sat empty for two years before we bought it in 2008. Because I work so far from home she has to stay there for now and look after the kids until June, when we can make a big push to clean the house and put it on the market. 

We have to somehow integrate that into the divorce paperwork, the divorce itself is planned for June, because of extenuating circumstances. If things go correctly, my parents will be watching the kids this fall, my 5 year old will be in kindergarten, I'll be with them 4 nights a week and on weekends, and by this time next year I'll hopefully be getting ready to buy a house. If the house can sell (cross fingers) quickly, and I don't have them in daycare, I'll be able to save 3K a month over what I'm spending now. I can get another 500+ dollars by dumping the wife's car but I am 4000 dollars upside down on the loan right now so that will be a little harder to deal with. 

I am working scenarios and plans out, I am trying to be amicable through this process despite the way she treated me the last 2 years, mainly because she's willing to let me have the kids for 9 months out of the year, plus she's willing to allow me to have most of what I'm asking for through all of this. 

I will have my bad moments, where I remember how things used to be, but no, she is not my wife any longer, she is not my friend, she has been an absolute jerk to me (to put it mildly). This thread will be my journal, I will go back and forth I'm sure... but through it all I know I will come out on the other side stronger.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

*sigh* 

So called to set up story time for my two kids tonite, and my wife is bawling on the phone...

Apparently my mother has been sending her text messages inquiring about our two kids. This past weekend my mom watched the kids because I had to work and she hadn't seen them in quite awhile, she doesn't exactly feel welcome in our house (no surprise, I don't really feel welcome there either, which is why I'm staying with my parents). 

My 3 year old son had the flu and a fever all weekend, so the kids stayed at my parents place an extra day. I took them to our house this morning and my wife stayed home from school to watch them. My mother thought this was silly saying "I could have watched them". 

Apparently this afternoon my mother began messaging my wife, my mom has a big heart and wants to help wherever she can, but I don't think she realized that my wife is not thinking all that rationally about things, and it made things pretty bad tonite.

The messages went back and forth innocently enough, but then my mom started talking about "We only want what is best for the kids" and hinting that my wife is "overloaded" with school and work, which of course my wife misread as my parents trying to take the kids away from her. I could barely understand her blubbering away about it. I kept telling her "Nobody is going to take the kids away, everything is fine" until I finally got her calmed down, then I promised to call my mother.

I called my mom and asked her why she was messaging my wife repeatedly, given that I am trying as much "no contact" as possible with my wife, and that it isn't going to help the situation, even though she means well. My mom then got defensive about it, stating that the kids aren't being well taken care of, I said that insinuating that even in the least wasn't going to help anything, that my wife was completely distraught, and that I was worried that now she would go back on her promise to let me have custody of the kids. 

So now my wife is all freaked out, and my Mom has her feelings hurt over all this nonsense. And YES, I know my mother needs to stay out of this, which is what I explained to her and it is why she's feeling hurt. I know she means well but there are too many fresh wounds going on at the moment to be trying to say "the kids should be here" or "the kids should be there". 

This just blows, my mom has watched the kids so often without so much as asking for a dime from us, has taken such good care of them, I know she meant well, but my wife is so freaking irrational about everything right now. 

I know I need this job but being 90 miles from my kids is just awful  This was a good night before this too...


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> *sigh*
> 
> So called to set up story time for my two kids tonite, and my wife is bawling on the phone...
> 
> ...


Brother in Christ - I've read all your posts and they are so heartwrenching and I also see the timings when you write it, and the best part is you write so immaculately that they are very easy to understand.

Brother believe me I can imagine what you must have been going through when your own wife stabbed you in the back. Your mother was just trying to be nice to you because she is YOUR mother and CAN NOT see you in distress. I can only imagine what your mom and dad must be going through to see you going through hell.

I love my mommy too much, she was here in Virginia visiting me from India for 4 months after my wife left me and aborted our first child at 6 months, I was so distraught (still am) that is beyong words but she came leaving everything from India just to comfort me and I still remember the last day before she left, she was up all night cooking bread, chiken, lentils and other stuff for me so even if she is gone back I still had a month food in my freezer and i didn't have to cook for myself for at least a month.

Therefore - in this lifetime you can get 2,3, 4, 5....wives but you CAN NOT get mother again. I salute your mother who thinks so much of your kids and was texting your wife to see if kids were okay.

Brother I can only pray for you b/c yuor situation is unspeakble, after reading your posts I am certain there are women who would go to the most sinful depth to find their own happiness even if they had to destroy their husbands, kids and the family.

I wish you the best and please keep writing about your situation.

God Bless you.

Zappy


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

zappy88200 said:


> Therefore - in this lifetime you can get 2,3, 4, 5....wives but you CAN NOT get mother again. I salute your mother who thinks so much of your kids and was texting your wife to see if kids were okay.
> 
> Zappy


I never wanted 2 or 4 or 5 wives, I just wanted one wife. The underlying factor that is showing up now is just how messed up in the head my wife currently appears to be. Now my parents got a big taste of it, my Mom today talked to me and said she doesn't know how I've done it the last two years, with all the secrecy, the lies, the dishonesty, the twisting around of words, changing stories, etc. 

It is quite apparent that my wife needs counseling, personal counseling, where she's actually HONEST with the counselor, but I don't know if she's capable of doing so. She's an emotional wreck about this entire thing and SHE Is the one who is ending the marriage. And yes, I know "You shouldn't even worry about her dude, move on". It is what I'm trying to do, but my worry is that she'll have the kids part time.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm just speaking my mind out here and not trying to be rude but kick her ass so bad that she should feel an electrifying current because counselling ain't gonna help her.
It is LUST she is after and no amount of counselling can bring her back to reality but a hard kick on the butts can.

Zappy


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I want you to know, I really feel bad for you. I don't have words of wisdom for you. If what you are saying is true and I believe it is, you are just doing pretty much all you can. You cannot control anyone, but you. You are struggling so much. You are, in my mind, holding strong. The best I can do for you is pray. I hope you don't mind.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Well, after talking with some people tonite I think I'm going to plan on moving the divorce up sooner, in order to just settle on the issues we've agreed on. We were looking at the June time frame, but in all honesty, in Nebraska it will be a 2 month wait then another month before finalizing. 

Of course, I'm strong tonite, after good advice from some people, we'll see how I pan out in the morning haha.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Haha-I love that feeling of empowerment after a good talk. And then I catch myself a few hrs later bk dwn in the slumps! I think its a good idea to record good advice and play it right before you make any move so youll be in your "strong" state of mind. Just a thought. I need to take my own advice. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> It's okay to be angry with God. I was and told Him in prayer. I told Him just like I am talking with you right now. At one point, I even yelled a bit. I had to do it for myself. I then felt relieved and filled with grace. I don't know why. It just worked for me.



I did the same thing...I hollered out a few times...in my living room...bed room...driving...I cried...yelled...screamed...accused...and told him HE could have made all the difference...

...and then the whisper came...

..."_I did try child, several times, but your husband has free will"..._
If our spouses refuse to adhere to the Holy Spirit..._it is on them...and only them_...not Christ. I needed to remind myself of this. My stbxh knows/knew Jesus...and still has made the choicses he's made without reverence to Him...
so be it. It was his easy way out. He will reap what he sows...and because of this...my stbxh will continue to live in a cycle of abusive behavior...that's what happens when you don't accept responsibility...and he dumped alllll kinds of responsibility...


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I called her last night.

I don't really know why, 10:30, I just picked up the phone. I had nothing to say, she asked what was up, I said "Just saying hey". That was pretty much the extent of it. 

I know that things will get better. I know I can put one foot in front of the other... I know that she's got issues, problems in her head that I can neither point out to her, nor can I force her to get help, but it is so hard to NOT love someone even after all of this bullshxx. I deserve better, my kids are so innocent and they deserve so much more. I know life isn't fair but why does it have to be THIS unfair? 

Meh, venting... 

I am thankful the ups and downs are not as severe as 2 years ago but it does little to comfort the pain that does exist. I sit here at work and I know that tomorrow I head for my parents, where I have stayed two weekends now, (I stay out in the town I work in now during the week), and I have no real purpose while being at my parents, I want to just sit here where I work and disappear, wither away into nothing. I pray daily for peace and comfort, I do thank God that I am getting a little reprieve here and there, and also that it appears my wife will let me have most anything I want as part of the divorce proceeding... 

These are those moments, where your life consists of "This was me before this moment, and this was me after this moment". I just have to maintain and build myself up so that the AFTER ME is a better version of myself than the BEFORE ME.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So, we talked last night and got into an argument. I told her I want to move the divorce up so we can get it over with, I said "Not much is going to change in all of this, I know you want to move on" and she said "What happened to make you want to change your mind?"

I told her I didn't want to fight, because what happened was that I talked to a relative that went through a divorce and he said the quicker the better, especially given "how badly your wife has treated you, especially in December". 

But she kept pushing me for more information, I should have just stuck with the plan and said "It is just best if you and I get moving on as quickly as we can" but of course I let my feelings get ahead of me and I finally blurted out "I don't understand how anyone can treat someone like you treated me last month, and be completely remorseless, it is like you don't even care how much you hurt me anymore".

Wrong thing to say, started a fight, she brought up shxx from 4 years ago, that I had apologized for and had long moved on from, apparently forgiveness isn't in her vocabulary, even for the stupid little crap that she brings up that, for all practical purposes, are normal relationship issues that people have to deal with. 

I want to scream at her, that visiting another man, TWICE, and holding onto him for dear life in her little journal and in her heart, is NOT normal relationship stuff, and is far more cruel than anything I have ever done in our marriage. 

But I held my tongue, I did tell her that during the last two years she's been every bit as bad or worse than I had ever been, without caring or apologizing, then she hung up on me. 

Now I feel stupid, I know better, I just have to get through this divorce and try to be amicable with her since we have kids together, especially because we were always amicable within the marriage until POSOM came along on Facebook. 

I just have to keep planning and keep talking to my relatives and friends so I can get past this part of my life. I also have to remember that this isn't my wife anymore, that she's got major issues, and I CAN NOT FIX HER.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Have you stopped paying for her school with your GI bill?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

CH said:


> Have you stopped paying for her school with your GI bill?


It's a done deal already, the semester is paid up. I'm trying to do this as amicably as possible, in order to get custody of the children. I know what some will say "SCREW HER" etc etc, but I do not want to upset the way things are so that I can get the divorce going the way I want it to.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

BTW, you didn't fail in this marriage. A more appropriate title would be

Trying to Move on For my Children.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Stopped at our house last night to take down the christmas lights and help put away the other holiday decorations. Then I had to move the out of the garage to put away the christmas tree, and there's a receipt in the car...

she took the wedding ring in for an appraisal to sell it. 

It feels like this will never make sense. I sit here at my parents and it is so hard to keep away from going over the last two years in my head...

"What if I'd done this" 

"What did that mean when she said it"

"Should I have reacted this way"

And then I try and clear my mind and remind myself that I wasn't the one who created a fantasy about another person, that the fact that I still love her even now only means that once that fades, I will be the one moving on. 

She is the one that will have to come to terms someday with what she has done. 

I know it sounds like i'm repeating myself sometimes, but if I don't vent here I feel like I'll lose my mind. Only time i've felt more lonely than now was two years ago when this first happened. I pray to God that as i go through this process, I can find peace in an expedient manner.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

What I really hate right now is that the only thing I look forward to is sleep, it is my only escape. 

I'm taking certain things for my PTS, they are starting to help (I was off of everything for 4 months when I believed things had finally started to turn around) but I can't find joy in anything.

My friends that have gone through this are telling me this is normal, to force myself to do the things I need to do to make it through each day.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

Hey PO, just posted my situation, but I had read yours previously and there are a lot of parallells. Just want you to know I feel for you brother, and said a prayer for you earlier. As a Christian, I've been wondering how God could let this happen to me too. I can't understand how my wife, who is supposed to be a follower of Christ herself, could do the things to me and our family that she has. I was newly adopting my faith when we met, and it was one of the things that connected us and made me fall in love with her.

I will say though...I prayed really hard the day things first started being revealed, and it took a while, but just in this moment while I was moving some of my stuff, I had this moment of clarity where these words flashed through my mind: "I've allowed this to happen to keep you safe." Another time I was at work, on my break, grief stricken and begging God to take this pain from me, and the words, "let go, let go" kept coming to mind. Some would look at that as the subconscious, but it's a familiar clarity I have come to recognize as something beyond, the holy spirit perhaps. But I wanted to share that with you. He's with you friend, and we don't always know why he allows things to happen, but maybe he's looking out for you more than you know...


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So I've now spent two weekends with my parents, and I'm not caring for it. First off, my mother is a bit of a pack rat and my father tends to be bit of a pig pen himself. Three dogs in the house. My parents are very good people though. I just don't agree with all of my mother's concepts on raising my children. But, I recognize she has their best interests in mind.

I could conceivably set up a place in the basement, they recently had it fixed because it was leaking but it is unfinished. Because my mom is a bit of a horder it is hard to find a place for the kids to really have a healthy proper place to play and live. 

As I still own my house, I can't get an apartment yet where I work, and the house is 90 miles from my job. I'm locked into my job until at least Feb 2014, at least at that point I can look into transferring closer to Omaha or Lincoln. Trying to decide if I should keep the house, try to sell it (sat empty for 2 years before we bought it), regardless, right now things are a mess... 

I'm eating a little more, so that's a good thing, but I find any contact with my wife right now seems to send me into damn near an anxiety attack


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Isnt it sickening how we spend so much time with our STBX'S and when things go sour here comes the anxiety! Ive had several anxiety attacks lately and its no fun! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Something I didn't even bring up... my wife doesn't really even bother to try and contact the kids, she made a half arsed attempt one night during the 4 nights I had them, via Skype over the iPad, which is how I set it up to talk to them when she has them (And I call EVERY night, multiple times). 

On the third night of the weekend (Sunday evening), my son and daughter didn't even want to try to call "Mommy". They had tried the night before but she was offline the entire night. 

Then last night, my last night at my parents (had to take kids to daycare this morning and head 90 miles to where I work and stay all week) my daughter (5) started crying... "I want to stay here with you daddy"

I told her everything was okay, that she would be at "school" (as we call the preschool daycare) and Mommy would pick her up in the evening. "Mommy waits so long to pick us up, she doesn't sit with us, she doesn't read us stories" (my wife is in school 8 to 3:30 every day, and does on average about 3 to 5 hours of legal transcription work from home a night). She'll cool corndogs or spaghettios, turn on the TV for them then head upstairs to work.

This was heartbreaking to me, in more ways than one. I started to realize just what a ridiculous load my wife was trying to balance (her own fault) and also how everything she is doing doesn't really set her up for any sort of success, as I found out recently that this 27K a year art college isn't even accredited by any other school in the state. 

My wife is so mixed up and messed up, and now I see it affecting my children. I'm trying so hard to get my energy up to get this divorce done and yet I'm still so downtrodden by everything, the hopeless feelings are really, really difficult to shed. I am trying to be strong for my kids, because they are the best thing I have going.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I was in the dumps most of the day today... but instead of talking about that, I want to talk about a few things that are wonderful in my life...

*My job:* I am so incredibly blessed to have this military job. I worked "full time temporary" for 4.5 years before finding a permanent job in September. It is 90 miles from my home but with the job market the way it is, I would never complain. I am able to actually stay here at the building I work at because the other people who work here, 2 recruiters, don't mind and they aren't here very often. 

My supervisor went through an affair and knows what I'm going through, the guy he works with went through marriage counseling 2 years ago (found that out today). They are incredibly supportive and understanding. They offer me time off (I haven't really taken it because I don't know what I'd do with it) if I need it. I have fantastic benefits, such as free health care and low cost life insurance. 

*My children:* I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old, and they are both amazing. They have been healthy, other than common cold/flu crap but that is to be expected. They are my entire reason for being at this point, I look forward to my weekends when I get to be with them, at least until this divorce moves forward and I get to have custody and be with them all the time.

*My Parents:* They are there for me no matter what, every day talking to me as long as I need them. Offering me words of encouragement, and letting me stay at their place on the weekends with my children without asking me for a dime (I will help them out once I get things sorted). 

*My Extended Family:* I have aunts, cousins, etc, all there for me throughout, some of them have been through this and they are giving me much needed advice. I consider my 3 best friends to basically also be extended family too. They are doing everything they can to keep my spirits up. 

I have so many things going for me, but it is still hard with one gigantic roadblock in my heart causing me so much pain. I'm hoping the medication keeps kicking in a little stronger, I've been taking it about 3 weeks now, Fluvoximine, I am trying to remember how long it took the last time. 

My heart wants so badly to cling to this woman even though my head knows I need to get this over with... God grant me the strength to do what needs to be done, please...


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## BentnHurt (Jan 23, 2013)

dazedguy said:


> So sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know, very well, how tortorous this has been because I went through a similar situation. When my wife turned 35, she turned into a different person. For the next two years I tried absolutely everything I could to save my marriage. I too gave way too much of myself and so I know how doing that pushes them away. She's 37 now and I'm 40. Our divorce was finalized a couple of months ago.
> 
> Besides the 18 years of history together, what kept me trying for so long was my belief that I needed to take care of her. She was headed (in my opinion) down the wrong road in life - multiple affairs, tattoos, over spending, and just generally behaving like a teenager - I kept trying to "help" her because I didn't want her to wake up one day and suddenly realize what she did when it was too late to do anything about it.
> 
> ...


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## BentnHurt (Jan 23, 2013)

Thanks this is helpful


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I was in the dumps most of the day today... but instead of talking about that, I want to talk about a few things that are wonderful in my life...
> 
> *My job:* I am so incredibly blessed to have this military job. I worked "full time temporary" for 4.5 years before finding a permanent job in September. It is 90 miles from my home but with the job market the way it is, I would never complain. I am able to actually stay here at the building I work at because the other people who work here, 2 recruiters, don't mind and they aren't here very often.
> 
> ...


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I can feel things slowly getting better, I just hope and pray that I'm not dealing with denial or shock right now, because if that is the case and I end up going through a deeper grief that spawns more depression, it is going to be really really bad. 

The issues I am dealing with, obviously other than the divorce:

*1) Even though she wants the divorce, she expects me to do the work:*

There are a variety of reasons for this. I have always handled the bills and paperwork, for the most part, so it seems she sees this the same way. I also wonder if deep down, because she wants the divorce and she knows I am still in love with her, she's willing to concede most anything I want, including keeping the children for 9 months a year. 

This isn't actually a bad thing, that I will be doing the work, because of the very fact that she's so insistent on walking away as fast as she can... in the long run, she takes all of her debt, I keep my assets, meager as they may be, and most importantly I get to raise my children and see them on a regular basis.

I know some of you will say "F HER, make her divorce YOU" but if she talks to a lawyer, I stand to lose a lot, here in this state the man is ALWAYS at a HUGE disadvantage, so I need to jump on this as quickly as I can.

*2) I work 90 miles from our home*

It is a great job but I stay here during the week for the most part. What I believed was actually working for us, in reality gave her more freedom to do the very thing I was trusting she wouldn't do. 

It is all interstate, that is good, but I'm driving a 15 mpg pickup back and forth, which makes it pretty expensive driving back and forth, and because:

*3) My wife is in an expensive school, and the kids are in 1300 a month daycare (2 children)*

I have drawn all but a total of 2000 in one retirement account, and 2200 in my other account, I owe my father 1000 dollars, and I'm trying to parlay about 5K that i have until May when I expect to begin the complete break from my wife.

My wife has been to, I believe now, 7 schools in 4 states, 3 since we have been together just in this state alone. I just recently found out that this school's accreditation is a joke, and she now wants to go BACK to a 2 year community college then to a 4 year college, then move to Buffalo NY to get her masters.

Let's just look past the fact that she has probably 250 credit hours that don't match up already, and the fact that she hasn't the financial means to even go to the community college, let's focus on Buffalo NY for a moment, which made no sense to me until I realized...

Buffalo is 55 minutes away from Toronto, where her fantasy man lives with his wife and 2 kids, the man she visited in December in Toronto and lied to me about. 

*4) We live in a pricey house*

1600 a month. When we bought the house, it was our dream home, and my wife was going to stay home and watch our little one, that turned into two little ones, then suddenly her depression got overwhelming, we put the older child in daycare 2 days a week, then even that wasn't enough, wife still wasn't happy, so she went back to school, twice, full time the second time, led to the expensive full time daycare, and I kept giving everything I had to try and make it work, including for all practical purposes, any manhood I had within the relationship.

Now I don't know what to do in terms of the house, it is so daunting to think about selling this house AND divorcing at the same time but I have almost no other choice. If I can sell the house and my parents can watch our kids for the summer, with me coming home 4 nights a week to help them, I can completely get back on my feet. My worry is that this house is going to be difficult to sell as it sat empty for 2 years and we got it for a great price. It is purchased on her VA certificate, so my certificate is still free and clear but I have to sell this house to ever think about using it. I don't even know how owning a house comes into play in a divorce between two people. I'm sure that will be another mess.

*5) We are 27K into a car worth 24K*

A car I bought her when I was desperate to make things work, I should have been smarter. We went in a few weeks back to try and trade the car in for something cheaper, my idea was to look for a 10K car, like a 5 year old honda or toyota, that way we could put the other 4K into the loan from the previous car, and get about a 15K total loan and save a good amount of money...

But NO, my wife looks at NEW CARS that run anywhere from 15K to 20K, she is so incredibly ignorant about money issues, so I convince her finally to look at used cars and she insists on 2 or 3 year old cars that run roughly the same cost, seemingly not understanding that we aren't going to gain much of anything getting a 20K loan with the 4K we are upside down. Saving 1.5k (when you factor in taxes and licensing) is not enough to trade in the current car we have, it needs to be more substantial. 

The car really isn't a huge concern, I could likely eat the 4K if I sell the house and my parents watch the kids this summer, but it is still just appalling to me my wife's lack of any fiscal responsibility. 

*6) The inevitability of what my wife will likely do next.*

The divorce is going to happen, barring some sort of spiritual miracle... I don't know who my wife relies on for any sort of counsel other than the 18 to 22 year olds that she is in school with and a divorced b**** who with her idiot husband cheated on one another the entire time they were married. With that sort of advice it is a miracle that we have even made it as long as we did.

My wife has no IRL friends to turn to, I don't know what if anything her parents are telling her, I told her mother what was going on and wife went ballistic on me about it. I have tried to insist that my wife go to counseling because something is really not right, giving up the kids and what not, but she refuses, says "I have no time for that and they won't help me anyway". She is right in a way, counseling will never help someone who won't be honest with the counselor, but it requires she be honest with herself, which she cannot do. She normally seems to rely so intently on her Facebook but as I said in another post, she deleted Facebook, but I'm not sure why and I wonder if she created some other account to hide in now.

It was that realization that in some ways is making this easier for me to deal with this. The fact is she has a problem, it is of her own making but she doesn't even realize it. It isn't that she's doing this consciously, she has developed a fantasy in her own mind that I don't think she's even able to decipher from reality anymore. Therefore in her mind, I am the reason for her unhappiness, even though a person's happiness is far more dependent on personal reasons than situational, she has to come up with some sort of justification for her actions or I believe she'd go over the deep end with guilt. 

She runs from everything in her life, so I expect 6 months into being on her own she'll link up with someone from Facebook and move on, it won't be the guy in Toronto, unless there is something there that I don't know about but he's married with 2 kids and seems to be quite settled, despite his linking up with my wife twice now. Because I can't trust my wife it is tough to take her on her word that they didn't do anything together other than talk, but it doesn't really matter, sex or no sex, she built the fantasy about him and therefore that forced me out of the picture. You can't be in love with two people, one person will always be the odd man out. 

Of course, I'm speculating, but it is late at night... I'm trying to get this shxx out of my head so it doesn't just sit there. 

lf I can sell the house, I will most likely move to this location and live in a rental property, and rebuild from here. Selling the house is paramount, although the stress level will be intense... I have to work on myself through all of this and be there for my children. 

I catch myself worrying about what is going to happen to her, I know, I know "Po, don't worry about her, she did this not you" but I still have to share the kids with this woman, and her depression/anxiety could easily go out of control if she realizes just how bad a situation she is in money wise. The trouble with money is going to be a certainty, I just don't know exactly what will happen to her when she reaches that point...

I suspect, like I said, that she'll flee once more, to a guy from Facebook. Again, speculation, but even so I will work hard to be over her by that time.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

You know, I've been so messed up by all of this I never even read the 180 fully until now, I skimmed it a couple times but I need to change my intent. Even if the divorce is imminent I need to do all of that to get better for myself, and for my wonderful kids.

I do need some advice though, how to you do the 180 if you have kids and you are staying in another location, like I do, and I have to coordinate to pick them up and such? It is hard to NOT communicate with her when I have to work out arrangements...


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Not that i am following 180 at all but i think you follow it other than the child arrangements. So no contact other than as absolutely needed for the kids and strictly business only. 

Sure someone will be along with more instructive advice.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Another question, although I still consider my home my domicile so to speak, I am staying with my parents in order to try and get past all this, is this a mistake while doing the 180? I haven't been cleaning or helping with anything as a result, should this be something I do? I did stop in and do the dishes one day because the kitchen was a mess, but that was for my kids more than anything.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I say if you want to stop by and check on things go for it. You will be the one that will have to deal with things once she moves our and when it comes time to sale.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

All the way home, the 90 miles, I'm feeling so good, I pick the kids up at daycare and I decided I felt well enough that we could go to the house and watch the movies I bought for the kids (cars and cars 2) 

I come in the door, the house is all clean and sparkly, I was impressed...

She's having friends over tonite, 2 guys and a girl, from school. She went to pick up her ring from the appraisers and *#$(*@#$ I start snooping, like an idiot, completely ignoring the 180. I don't know if it can even matter, if I find something what good would it do anyway? 

I feel so stupid, I shouldn't have likely comw here when I wasn't ready to be here... she added Skype to talk to my kids and I see she blocked me on it. Real mature, I never talk to her via skype, I just have it for my kids... 

BUT, there I go again, let it go, the 180 means I no longer care. I am going to head out from here to my parents I think because I'm feeling my anxiety building up and I just don't want to be here while she's with her little 18-22 year old buddies.

Sorry everyone, I'm trying hard not to make these mistakes...


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

PO dont be so hard on yourself. We all have moments of falling off the 180. You will have setbacks but youll also bounceback! Blocking is immature I agree-my stbxh blocked my text msgs and my fb so i am unable to contact him either way and at this point i dont need to. Remember HEAD UP MIDDLE FINGER HIGHER!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> All the way home, the 90 miles, I'm feeling so good, I pick the kids up at daycare and I decided I felt well enough that we could go to the house and watch the movies I bought for the kids (cars and cars 2)
> 
> I come in the door, the house is all clean and sparkly, I was impressed...
> 
> ...


You were just checking on the house that you are going to have to deal with... I am glade that you were able to see that your anxiety was building and left.... that is a step in the right direction.:smthumbup:


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Bah, now I'm very confused. Talked with some people today who said that in no way shape or form should I be leaving MY house, that I pay for. They say that I'm enabling my wife to just party it up with her little school friends and that by being there it forces her to take responsibility for her actions and either A) move out if she wants to act that way, and support herself, or B) stay and live like a responsible 34 year old.

Fark, I just don't know what to do. I really do miss my house, I don't like living with my parents, but it is very hard to be in my house when i don't have the solid footing there that I'd like. I was told to put 110% of my effort into my children then and just all but ignore my wife, but that is also very hard to do. 

WHY does this nonsense have to be so difficult???


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Yeah, you should not have left your house. 

Move back in ASAP. Do not let her invite people over as guests you don't approve of.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I have no ability to stay in my house without feeling like I'm going to lose my mind. It is next to impossible. 

But do I need to figure out a way to do it? To stay there? I thought maybe by not being there it would be easier to facilitate the 180?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Bah 

One of the websites we frequented quite a bit, I hadn't been to in awhile, I log in and have someone blasting it all over the place that my wife ****ed her ex boyfriend and that she's leaving me and bla bla bla. Worst part is it is someone using an 'assumed' name, hiding. So apparently my wife has been talking to someone about this that she should not have been. 

I was ready to head back to the house tonite too, and now I'm more freaked out than I've been in some time, i don't know what I ever did to deserve this .


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Po

I'm going to be very frank.

You want your house? Man up and go fn get it. You pay for it? You want to be there? Make her leave! Force her cheating azz out. What the he!!. Dude. 
If people are there you don't want there you TELL them to leave. If they don't you call the cops and they have too. What's the problem here? Your allowing your wife to walk all over you. 

Stop living with your parents if you want the dmn house go get it. If it hurts you to be around her...be a 180 azz hole. No friends over. You call the shots. F her...live your life...watch your movies...eat pop corn...fart out loud...do what you want...
Your all passive....and then you complain....

Take you dmn life back! What the he!! Dude!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

In essence po your making more difficult than it has to be. You need to knock off the wishy washy hurt feelings your so worried about and start getting pissed off at the controlling b your wife is. 

Until you find your balls your not going to get anywhere. 

Ps...I luv you man...I'm just tellin you my 2 cents. You and your kids deserve a serene life IN THE HOUSE YOU PAY FOR. 

I'm off the soap box now....don't be mad at me...


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Not mad at you but you are f'ing right... I need to get some sort of control, I don't know if it is the meds they have me on or what that are making me so incredibly passive. I'm going to be working on the divorce this week, i promise you all.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> Not mad at you but you are f'ing right... I need to get some sort of control, I don't know if it is the meds they have me on or what that are making me so incredibly passive. I'm going to be working on the divorce this week, i promise you all.


being overly medicated...or not on the right meds can do that to you...you can be made to be 'too numb'...or 'not caring enough'...'too much whatever'....and your not even able to stand up for yourself or get mad? 

yea..there's a problem here. how can you stand idelly by and 'not' be pizzed? If you think it's a med thing...deal with that RIGHT AWAY...and as your even doing that recoginze it and start asserting yourself...

your 'house' isn't going to come to you dude... get your balls back and your 'f' u on! geez...who pays the bills around there? Your not a dog...your not the b'tchs door mat and your not her f'ing bell hop. 

IT'S YOUR HOUSE! THIS IS YOUR LIFE! THOSE ARE YOUR KIDS! THAT IS YOUR TV!!! GET THOSE AZZHOLES OFF YOUR COUCH OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND THAT IS THAT! 

She don't like it? There's the f'ing door...LET HER GO!!!!!!!! 

You need to STOP running to your parents house...c'mon dude...really? ....pack her bags man...put them out on the door step...help her leave... she wants to f other guys? In YOUR HOUSE???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? 

GET HER OUT. She needs to go. She want to be single...she can go shack up with one of her little f buddies... 

get pissed...for craps sake... (safe...but pissed...don't be stupid) 

and take back your house...and your life... 

grab your junk and show her your balls.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

AWESOME, am doing, i need more posts like this all week long!!! I'm goign to do this, a month away from my f'ing house is too long! I will be back in there, and I will take control. And if she is going to stay in my house we are going to communicate about what needs to be done and how we are going to go about doing it. Divorce may be inevitable but that doesn't give her free reign to do whatever she feels like...


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm just starting this journey, but your post about your daughter struck a chord. 

You Will learn. Even as girls we had to learn. At her next haircut, ask them to show you. Even buy a book in braids if you want...but braids aren't that popular right now so you may have lucked out there.

Make up...girls won't listen to their mothers abut makeup. Take her to a hypoallergenic make up booth at a department store and let them give her a makeover and teach her about skin care. She will learn the rest from YouTube anyway...if YouTube still exists when she is old enough for makeup. You have time man. She is young.

The thing as a single dad of a girl that's more daunting is the period and sex talk. Don't be afraid of it. If she doesn't learn, she will think she is dying when it happens. Buy her books to explain it if need be, but don't wait until she is a teen to do so. And don't be afraid to lay out your expectations for when she becomes old enough to want intimacy from a boy. Let her know them before that happens though.

Many books will help her learn without the hard conversations and you can simply say "feel free to ask me anything you want" but you are a caring dad, and I have faith, that you will figure this out.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> AWESOME, am doing, i need more posts like this all week long!!! I'm goign to do this, a month away from my f'ing house is too long! I will be back in there, and I will take control. And if she is going to stay in my house we are going to communicate about what needs to be done and how we are going to go about doing it. Divorce may be inevitable but that doesn't give her free reign to do whatever she feels like...


Yep and figure out the medication thing right away..if you feel its a part of your sluggishness or drab behavior type thing...'you know what i mean'...

You go boy...and if she doesn't want to communicate...fine...realize your not going to hear all the stuff you want when you move back home ...ok...

BUT that doesn't mean put up with her crap and her friggin' homies... BS!! Take over...take control...assert yourself...fart in her direction...eat...LEAVE DISHES WHERE YOU WANT... leave the cap off the toothpaste...toilet seat up...and OWN YOUR HOME....

give her a taste of her own medicine... move in... own the place...

when she starts to bark...simply say "I pay the mortgage here...therefore i will be living here...problem with that...there's the door"... and point to it... 

and repeat...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

_your gonna rain on her parade buddy...._ 

but you will be 'home'...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

oh...and tell her you will be sleeping in your own bed...she can take the couch if she doesn't like it...and don't forget to fart again....


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

What if she wants to sleep in the bed?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Don't let her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> What if she wants to sleep in the bed?


Hand her a pillow and tell her to take the couch! :sleeping:


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> oh...and tell her you will be sleeping in your own bed...she can take the couch if she doesn't like it...and don't forget to fart again....


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

God today has been really awful for whatever reason... the weight and pain in my chest is so unbearable... 

How can this be normal? How do people recover from this??? I just can't get the strength to even call and get this divorce paperwork started. I'm such a useless man


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You are not a failure! Do you hear me?
Things happen and people change, and we don't have a choice but to change too!
No one said it is going to be easy, one of the hardest parts of life . You are not alone!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

lee101981 said:


> You are not a failure! Do you hear me?
> *Things happen and people change,* and we don't have a choice but to change too!
> No one said it is going to be easy, one of the hardest parts of life . You are not alone!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can understand people changing but when people involve themselves with someone else, that's a load of bull... I don't believe in the whole "I fell out of love with you" when it doesn't involve major neglect/abuse/both. Everything that my wife has done has involved her fantasy about this SOB from Canada... we were doing just fine before he and Facebook destroyed everything.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

She made a choice so now everyone's life is going to change. Really hard and sucks with kids! I hate it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I know, I'm sorry, I don't mean to take it out on anyone here. I just want things to get better faster. The amount of stress feels like it threatens to rip my body apart.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Vent away! I would love for it to get better faster as well. Not fast enough for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Things seem in slow motion.while they wws are out having a ball. Somedays it does feel unbearable but the person you knew is gone. She is willing to give it away for some POS in Canada? Looking frm the outside in She seems selfish. PO your going to have your home bk and you have your kids. Let her live in her ****ed up fantasy world. You will come out of this better. I know how hard it is with the D papers but it will be a relief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> God today has been really awful for whatever reason... the weight and pain in my chest is so unbearable...
> 
> How can this be normal? How do people recover from this??? I just can't get the strength to even call and get this divorce paperwork started. I'm such a useless man


You are not weak. You are going through one of the most difficult things you can ever go through - save the death of a child. You were "all-in" in your marriage and thought your wife was too. You were betrayed by the person that was the foundation of your life. If you weren't devastated by this, then I think you would be a weak man indeed.

The two key things to remember here are that you can't control her and you are the only person that can make the healing happen faster. You have to take sole responsibility for your feelings - don't let her actions control you anymore. When you start ruminating about your marriage or your wife, catch yourself and do something to get your mind on something else. Never let your mind stay stuck on these negative feelings.

The suicide rate for men sky-rockets during divorce. Pull yourself up and take control of your thoughts.

I installed a pull-up bar when my wife walked away and started our prolonged limbo. Whenever I would start thinking about her at home, I'd go to that dam# pull-up bar and do as many as I could physically do. To the point of almost passing out. That always took my mind off of things quickly.  Other "distractions" I use: reading, running, riding my new motorcycle, working, going out with friends. I absolutely will myself to stop thinking about her and our marriage and my regrets. 

You have to take care of yourself and your thoughts. You are not weak. You are very, very normal. Take care.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I called a lawyer today, they want 2000 dollars. He talked to me for like an hour and a half though, he said "I dont' normally talk this long for free but you sound like a really great guy going through something really bad, and that's a lot coming from a lawyer." That made me chuckle. I don't have that kind of money right now, but I am going to still see if I can get it, beg borrow plead, whatever I need to do. I have 5000 in checking but we hemorrhage about 1K a month with her in school, and she finishes up in May. 

Talking to the lawyer felt great. I certainly feel a lot better than yesterday. I know that this will be in steps, and I will do better knowing a plan for each step.

1) Sitting down with her and going over the divorce paperwork.
2) Filing the divorce paperwork
3) The actual divorce occurring/her moving out/living alone (w/ kids)
4) The inevitability of her seeing another person. 

I'm thinking about these things, making sure that I build myself up to get ready for it. I know it will not be particularly easy, but it can't be worse than what has already happened.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I called a lawyer today, they want 2000 dollars. He talked to me for like an hour and a half though, he said "I dont' normally talk this long for free but you sound like a really great guy going through something really bad, and that's a lot coming from a lawyer." That made me chuckle. I don't have that kind of money right now, but I am going to still see if I can get it, beg borrow plead, whatever I need to do. I have 5000 in checking but we hemorrhage about 1K a month with her in school, and she finishes up in May.
> 
> Talking to the lawyer felt great. I certainly feel a lot better than yesterday. I know that this will be in steps, and I will do better knowing a plan for each step.
> 
> ...




I am right there with you. You are not alone....

We can do this, we must do this....


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Here is one of my reasons for being...










She was one year old in this picture. Everything was going so well. We were just getting set to move into our house, planning our next child. This next photo from Christmas of 2010 is the last time things were truly normal between us, but even then I think she was starting to plan her visit to see the other guy.










Hard to believe, as happy as I was in that picture, that within three short months everything would be in pieces...


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

Heart Breaking, looking into the Faces of the Innocent children !!!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

I look at your photos and I see beautiful children and a very proud father. I know this hurts PO..but what choice do you have? You cant make your wife want to be in your marriage,and if you could would you even really want it? She is proving to you that when the going gets tough she gets going. Cuz we all know she is living in the "fog" the whole "grass is greener". Let her go. Put all of your focus into YOU AND YOUR KIDS! You are giving her to much control..she is taking to much space in your head,you can try and try to figure out Why she is doing/acting like this but you wont. Bring the thoughts back to YOU. You deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Just checkn on you PO...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I'm okay, as best as I can be I guess.

I stayed at my house this weekend, wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. With things over with, still strange. I'm studying up on grief and where I'm at, hard to really say where I'm at. 

I spent a lot of time with my kids, little boy was still a bit ill, then today my daughter had a fever. If they are sick tomorrow, not sure what I'll do, STBXW can't miss school, so I'll probably take the little ones to work with me or call in. 

I drank 4 beers tonite, my head is hurting now, I should have thought better about that, i really don't drink much. I'm going to do some work tomorrow on the divorce... this would be so much more simple if I didn't have a house, or kids, but don't get me wrong, I would NEVER EVER give up my kids, it's worth this hell on earth to have them around.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So, been having some pain "downstairs" and didn't really think much about it till today. Likely just a urinary tract infection, men can get them too. Going in tomorrow to get it checked out. I certainly hope it isn't anything more than that. Looked up the symptoms today, doesn't really match any STD's. And I haven't been taking care of myself all that hygenically like I usually do. I went twice for nearly a week without showering during the last month. Oh depression, so wonderful...


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Hey there buddy!
i read your thread and it was strikingly similar to my experiences over the last 18 months (ex wife met someone through facebook etc)
I am divorced now, and have shared custody of my daughter who is 5. I lost my wife, my house and was made bankrupt in the space of 9 months. Most of my "friends" basically deserted me for her and the new guy. 
So its been tough to say the least but i can tell you one thing, you WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!!
Just stay firm and loyal to yourself, its you and the kids now buddy and in a few months time things will become a lot clearer of that i am sure 
Be mind-full of the lawyers, in my experience they are only out to make as much cash as possible. 
Stay strong, peace be with you


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Jeez, reading your story makes mine sound trivial. You stay strong buddy, things happen for a reason, life goes on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Thank you deepthought. I'm trying to get through this, I need to be quick about it I know, and quit believing in miracles. She does not love me, and that's where she's at, I need to remember that, and not blame myself for what she did. I'm stuck in the self pity stage and it isn't a very nice place to be, but I know, day by day, it will get better.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

I'm trying to get through this, I need to be quick about it I know, and quit believing in miracles. She does not love me, and that's where she's at, I need to remember that, and not blame myself for what she did. I'm stuck in the self pity stage and it isn't a very nice place to be, but I know, day by day, it will get better.



That is so true, but remember this, it takes time, and it has to take time for you to fully experience all these emotions. These times are sent to us so that we can eventually grow and become stronger as human beings. Its not nice and if given the choice people would not choose to go down these roads but i guess that is life
Its easy to blame yourself when you feel so low, i know i have been there but these feelings will pass in time. Focus on being the best Dad/Son/Employee you can for now, that will get you through and from my experience you will look back at yourself in a short time with exceptional pride in how you handled this situation


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> So, been having some pain "downstairs" and didn't really think much about it till today. Likely just a urinary tract infection, men can get them too. Going in tomorrow to get it checked out. I certainly hope it isn't anything more than that. Looked up the symptoms today, doesn't really match any STD's. And I haven't been taking care of myself all that hygenically like I usually do. I went twice for nearly a week without showering during the last month. Oh depression, so wonderful...


Ok UTI's aren't fun...ouch! And honey there ain't a Bxtch out there not worth not cleanin' yer wiener for. Take your showers and get a grip. That's just...wrong. 

Finally seen your pics...on pc's at work don't show pics ...went back on my iPad here...your a handsome man...you have two beautiful kids....dude...your life is not over. Soooo not over. 

You look like you can be so full of love and life...you have GOT. To find that within yourself again...if you lived close to me if hang out with you in a beat. 
Work on your divorce Po...you have got to take control and move forward. YOU have to get out of your stale mate...if I can do it anyone can....I, telling you this and I felt I was trapped in concrete. No shxt.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

_Take your showers and get a grip_....lol...just caught that....that was funny....


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

PO-I want you to consider this for a moment -remember who you were before you met this woman? You were a viable person before and your a viable person now.Yeah, I know it sucks hard,every day is a struggle to get up and function but I can tell you this I know the days I kept active during my divorce I felt a lot better than the days I didn't.Make it a point to do the necessities at a bare minium to keep up your self esteem and set some goals as to what you want to get done.I have other friends who literally fell apart during their divorces -DWI,jail,getting drunk and outside the stbxs just to get thrown into jail again, and you name it.I made up my mind I wasn't going to fall into their footsteps if anything I concentrated on my children more,read up on divorce law, and in general spent a lot of time working on my case,when I wasn't working around the farm-then I fought like hell in court.I can say that I'm so glad today I fought for myself and for my children-you need to do the same.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

PO- so many ppl on this forum are pulling for you. Your not alone, and dam sure not alone with the depression either. You HAVE to shower,not only for your hygiend but because it will make YOU feel better! I know it all seems hopeless right now,but this will pass! You have them 2 beautiful children to be there 4. And going thru all of this makes you stronger! One day YOU WILL look bk and laugh cuz your STBXW is NOT even worth it. You will find someone who wont run like water when they want a "change". Her grass will be dry and brown and yours will be greener and full of life! You can do this PO..time to dig deep for that inner faith...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Oh I shower, I am taking care of myself the best I can. I have great support from my family and friends.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I believe what is making this extremely hard for me is that I spent this entire relationship basically taking care of her. It never really bothered me to be the dominant player in the relationship, to make the bulk of the money, to support my wife, until such time as she screwed things up and I lost my ability to take any sort of control within the relationship. 

Here I am still forced to support everything, because A) she is watching our kids in our house 90 miles from where I have to work and B) if I pull the proverbial $$ "rug" out from under her before the divorce, she could easily ask for more than she's getting, and in this state, the courts would almost assuredly give it to her. 

I am starting to wonder if getting a quick piece of @$$ would be my best option for getting beyond this, but another part of me knows that for a variety of reasons that is likely not a good idea. There isn't much doubt that I could step into a bar and hit it off with someone, I take care of myself (when I do shower lol) but I figure that would really complicate ****.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Anyone up for a rebound fling? YEEEEEEEEEEE HAW LOL

I have to make jokes after some really crappy stuff today... I can't really talk about it yet, but in about 2 days I may know more. Quite angry right now but I hope it's anger over nothing.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Good to see you in a joking mood PO-  I hope your ****ty day doesnt have to deal with your pain downstairs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Like I said we'll know in two days, and if we do, there will be an entirely new Po headed home for the weekend, and a STBXW kicked out.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Po12345 said:


> Like I said we'll know in two days, and if we do, there will be an entirely new Po headed home for the weekend, and a STBXW kicked out.



Po its early days but you must focus on your self esteem buddy.
You know what got me through?..Fake it till you make it bro
Stay Strong


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Oh and if you cant stay strong, fake that fuc**er too bro
shout me if you need me


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I can't do this... I can't make this work, tonite I get home and I get in an argument with her and I blurt out that I got tested, and she screams at me that I'm accusing her and that's not at all what I did... I didn't even want to tell her anything and I got all wound up... WTF is wrong with me??? I hate this, I f'ing hate this, I know I'm not perfect, but she tries to say that all I ever do is treat her "like a *****" and I NEVER did, despite the ridiculous **** she did... 

I'm just so down... she's in her office bawling hysterically and I am a dumb ass for even saying anything about the testing. I hate my life, I hate myself... I'm just so damn tired of everything, nothing gives me any joy


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Calm down Po...you have every right to get tested- its your health for petes sake! Let your STBXW cry dont bother her,dont try and talk things out. She needs to realize that the things she has bn doing are wrong. You cant live like a whimsical teen! You guys were a family and SHE broke that! Not YOU! I know things feel hopeless right now,you will be ok. Hang tight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself! 
You are important!!! Keep your guard up!!


You will get through this one day at a time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> Anyone up for a rebound fling? YEEEEEEEEEEE HAW LOL
> 
> I have to make jokes after some really crappy stuff today... I can't really talk about it yet, but in about 2 days I may know more. Quite angry right now but I hope it's anger over nothing.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


Me! J/k


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

Po12345 said:


> I believe what is making this extremely hard for me is that I spent this entire relationship basically taking care of her. It never really bothered me to be the dominant player in the relationship, to make the bulk of the money, to support my wife, until such time as she screwed things up and I lost my ability to take any sort of control within the relationship.


Same boat. I notice a pattern with a lot of other people going through this stuff, often some giving sucker ended up with a taker, until finally it reaches a point where the taker decides to extend that to other romantic interests too. Talking about some of the dynamics to our therapist in IC the other day, she kind of made a point to me that ideally you should be looking for a relationship that is equally give and take, and it should be a big red flag when someone seems to not be keeping that balance. 

As for the testing, she's manipulating you Po. She's blameshifting, making you out to be the bad guy because she can't possibly accept that she is. You had every right in the world to do it, and actually SHOULD have. She knows how to play you and look how well she does it. It's funny I'm saying this stuff, because I've been going through the same crap and falling for it like a sucker every time.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I can't do this... I can't make this work, tonite I get home and I get in an argument with her and I blurt out that I got tested, and she screams at me that I'm accusing her and that's not at all what I did... I didn't even want to tell her anything and I got all wound up... WTF is wrong with me??? I hate this, I f'ing hate this, I know I'm not perfect, but she tries to say that all I ever do is treat her "like a *****" and I NEVER did, despite the ridiculous **** she did...
> 
> I'm just so down... she's in her office bawling hysterically and I am a dumb ass for even saying anything about the testing. I hate my life, I hate myself... I'm just so damn tired of everything, nothing gives me any joy


She's a cheater and blames you for getting your ****y do tested because it hurts and _'your feeling bad'? _

she's good. ...and you fall for it every time...

Dude...:scratchhead:


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

just started following your thread PO hang tough buddy and so far doing awsome, yeah going to have meltdowns with her only natural man she played you. you are doing better than i did when my EW cheated and left me we had a 9 mo son at the time......flash forward 8 years PO shes living with her husband at her grandmas house with 2 new kids i got our son most of the time, her H doesnt work and they live off the state never have money and ME 36 now own my own home paid cash vacations all the time remarried wife cant have kids but loves my son like hers and she deals with the EW...

Karma PO you will be fine she wont but not your problem now right now you only have 3 things to care about your 2 beautiful kids and YOU! you are not her friend anymore not going to tell you to stop having feeling not going to happen this soon but it will.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

she came back downstairs tonite, after hiding out and crying in her office, and comes in all short with me, about how to give the kids medication (my boy has pneumonia) and then I said "I'll read the ****ing label if you want to act like that" and she tossed the medicine down and said "You are cruel, immature, and selfish!!" 

I started laughing and said "really? REALLY? you took a trip to asia over christmas, left me with the kids, and visited another man in another country that you are in love with... oh but I'm selfish, that makes sense..."

Then she ran back upstairs, then right back downstairs, grabbed a knife, locked herself in the room, screaming that no one loves her, and wailing back and forth... I kept telling her "I never stopped loving you, don't do anything you'll regret, think of the little ones" and after about 15minutes I went in and got the knife off the floor, she was laying in the fetal position. 

Apparently her boy toy from Toronto isn't talking to her anymore, and she blames me for calling his wife. Oh boo f'ing hoo, I hope he never talks to her again, even though I know with that womanizing prxck that is' always temporary. 

So, my mistakes tonite - got drawn into her petty arguments and made them worse, big mistake, but I'm tired... sore excuse, I should have just come home and slept. Too bad she doesn't have the maturity to actually approach a discussion with an adult tendency

Instead of blowing up about the VD test, why not just say calmly "You've probably got something natural, I haven't slept with anyone" and be cool and colleted about ti, instead of "You f'ing accuse me of sleeping with someone? I bet you f'ed some girl and got herpes!!! and now I have to get tested!!!" which is what she said. 

and back and forth, normally I don't get drawn in but she called me an abusive ahole and I called her a selfsh bxtch. I knew better.... 180, calm, collected, go out if i have to.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Blameshifting to make herself feel better! She left her kids at christmas? To see POSOM? Wow..what a piece of work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

She kept an online journal for years, in which she talked about him, and her dreams of him, even sexually explicit stuff, and how "I don't think I could love another man the way I love you Chesley"

Then watching Harry Met Sally, or "You've Got Mail", she talks about how it reminds her of "Me and 'Chesley', "Oh God how I miss you Chesley, holding me in your arms, I love you so much"

Then around me, playing songs like "Can't find a better man" by Pearl Jam, and other choice songs as though I'm this horrible person. 

Along with stuff about Chesley in this journal, it was a commentary on every horrible thing i ever did, there wasn't a single decent thing I'd done, just a well orchestrated chop job of our life in which she'd toss in anything that ever hurt her feelings or made her upset with me. 

Well hell, if I'd kept a log like that of her, I'd have one JUST as long. 

And another huge issue with this journal... she acted it out, and went to see him. THAT crossed the line.

The difference??? I FORGIVE, I don't RELIVE, if someone is sorry for something, I forgive them, this brings up the real problem here, my wife is NOT sorry she visited another man, my wife is NOT sorry she kept him on facebook, not sorry she painted him paintings and sent them to him, and finally, not sorry she visited him a SECOND time in his hometown while supposedly on a layover to Asia... 

Hard to forgive someone who defiantly believes they did nothing wrong...


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

PO i think you have to totally 180 yourself, it seems that as things are falling apart for her she is manipulating you and playing you man
180 isnt that hard, but it does feel odd at first, but man for your own self respect you have to do it, and it will send a clear message to her that you aint gonna be messed with any longer
I did 180, wasnt easy and felt wrong at first, but as you go along you will notice shifts in your thinking and i dare say her attitude.
If i did it, you can too man i promise
Stay strong bro:smthumbup:


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Selfish? Haha..perhaps you shouldve offered her to get tested to? (insert sarcasm and rolling eyes)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

He is just trying to get to you! Don't let your guard down!!!
Stay strong!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

> He is just trying to get to you! Don't let your guard down!!!
> Stay strong!!!!


Uhm?? I don't understand?



deepthought said:


> PO i think you have to totally 180 yourself, it seems that as things are falling apart for her she is manipulating you and playing you man
> 180 isnt that hard, but it does feel odd at first, but man for your own self respect you have to do it, and it will send a clear message to her that you aint gonna be messed with any longer
> I did 180, wasnt easy and felt wrong at first, but as you go along you will notice shifts in your thinking and i dare say her attitude.
> If i did it, you can too man i promise
> Stay strong bro:smthumbup:


Today has been a good day, oddly enough. I wrote a long email this morning to her outlining the plans, her moving out March 1, taking the pickup, that we both have to be here when she moves out, I will take the car and trade it in for something cheaper to lower the loan value, a whole bunch of other stuff.

I stayed completely away from feelings, kept it all about facts. I also contacted a mediator today, from a law office, they sent me a bunch of paperwork to get started on. I am hoping to complete the child custody agreement on our own so that we can avoid the usual drama and extra $$$ that comes from trying to work that out in the mediator's office. I pretty much have it done but I have to change a few little things yet and make sure it matches Nebraska law (I got it from a friend in New York).

I haven't felt needy today, or especially depressed, or sorry for myself. I know it will come and go, but it feels good to at least feel like I have a little bit of control.



> Selfish? Haha..perhaps you shouldve offered her to get tested to? (insert sarcasm and rolling eyes)


It is odd, she actually stated that she would go get tested and show me the results... although she used some choice words that I didn't include here LOL, she was beside herself adamant about the fact that she has never physically cheated on me. Now, mind you, physical I stated... it was the EA that really ruined everything. It is interesting looking at everything now, that other from an honesty state, does a PA even matter?

I can tell you this much, if this does come back positive for something, I will be utterly shocked, because that will make my wife one of the best liars of all time, especially considering that there are only 2 ways I could have anything and I know damn well it isn't me. To lie in the face of truth would be stunning.

It is because of this that I figure I've got something else going on, non std, I just hope it's not serious


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Got the phone call today. No STD's. Very glad. BUt worried now about what it might actually be... 

*sigh* not the best of times for finding out I might have a medical issue. 

The stress has me at 188 lbs, down from 220 on December 29th (day all this exploded).

I have my kids with me at work today, because they are both still a little sick, they slept for like 4 hours on the cot here, which should help them feel a lot better. 

As far as me, I'm up and down... right now, feeling a little down, tis to be expected. I'm glad I don't have any std's though.  Gotta look on the bright side at least a little. This Sunday I have to go to a family gathering, and I'm not sure how to get through it. We shall see.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Yay for being std free! At least u have somrthing to smile about. As far as the family gathering, fake it til u make it! Your def makn progress!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Home today... she's being standoffish, so be it. I'm doing what I can to maintain as we move through this process. I'm so thankful for my parents, especially my dad to talk to through this. I do feel kind of bad though, my mom says this is the worst thing she's ever gone through, although I'm thinking she's forgetting how bad it was when she and my dad separated 23 years ago for 3 months.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Just checking in with you PO, ok pal??:scratchhead:


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Not the best tonite guys, in fact maybe the worst I've been in a long time.

We had a family reunion today, I went with both the kids, had a reasonably good time but after awhile it started to get overwhelming. Tonite I got home and God I wanted to hold my wife, i just wanted to go up there and grab her and hold her... 

I went up and she was laying down watching TV, I put my head on her hip and said "hey" and she just looked at me with a blank stare and said "what's up?" and I said "Is March 1st the date?" and she shook her head yes and said "Yes, that's the plan" (for her to move out) and I said "Okay just trying to plan for stuff"...

I went downstairs and fell apart in the kitchen, down to my knees... I didn't see my son (3 years old) come in behind me...

"Daddy don't cry I love you"

he said it twice, all I could do was catch my breath as hard as I could and stifle my tears and pick him up and hold him so tight... 

I don't know how I'm supposed to do this, I don't understand how another person can be so cruel and yet project at me as though I'm cruel and selfish... pray for me tonite, I need it


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Po- i will def keep you in my prayers and your children. Less than a wk til valentines day and so many of us are hurting..this **** sucks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I don't care about Valentine's Day, this is by far the most debilitating life changing event I've ever had to endure, something like V-Day just comes across as a joke to me at this point, especially after the last 2 years.

Seriously starting to question my *#@$$*ing sanity big time, tonite was the worst since all of this first happened, I hadn't shed tears in some time, and I was sobbing tonite, grown man, for probably 30 minutes... hell I couldn't cry if I wanted to over the last month until now, I don't know wtf is wrong with me.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

po hang in there buddy it will get better.. DONT do a damn thing for her on V-D. act as if it were anyother day


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

po - is she still in contact with the other guy in canada?

Zappy


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I'm sure she is, it really doesn't matter to me anymore... I tried for two years to get her to see me for who I am and she maintained contact with him, THAT Is what ruined everything, but she'll never see it as long as we are together.

She's going to move on, and in a few months reality will hit her like a ton of bricks, I just pray that I've gotten enough help by then to be past her. 

Last night was beyond awful... I can't handle many more like that.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Thinking of you Po. Hope it improves for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

i agree buddy, don't make any attempt on valentines day...been there and done that...
how you getting on with the plan? 1st of March is the big day. Have you got everything your side sorted?

Keep strong you can get through this man :smthumbup:


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

No... I can't seem to get things together on my end. I'm trying to do the 180 but I'm not very good at it. I'm not calling or texting her excessively thankfully, but I still pine like crazy.

I feel like i just repeat myself here, I know it's normal, but it still sucks. The only thing that really keeps me going are talking to people on the phone in my family that have been through this and also reading up on what you guys are all doing.

I'm currently on fluvoximine for depression, ambien to sleep, and ativan when needed for spikes in anxiety. Lately though it seems like the ativan doesn't do anything. 

I know I have to learn to think of myself, and to think of my kids, and I try, but the crushing pain in my chest continues, and then it seems like lately I'm also getting headaches... not sure if that is related or not. 

As far as the 1st of March... I still don't know how she thinks she's going to move without a co-signer, and I need to be sure she doesn't use me or my credit in any of this that she is doing. It is also frustrating that she is moving 30 miles in the opposite direction of our home from where I work, that makes her apartment 120 miles away from here, just another selfish stupid act on her part.

I am trying to stay strong, I really am...


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

your doing fine man !

Her co-signer is her problem, you dont have to worry about that. And where she chooses to live is also her decision. Either way if its good or bad for you in terms of distance, you just factor it in logistically, dont give that any head space, you dont have to

Have you spoken to your Doctor about the chest pains?
I used to get cracking head aches last year during the more stressed out times...i still do....but i found even just a 15 min walk around the block would clear my head. I would even talk to myself and still do, trying to work things out! worth a try?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po,

What was her childhood like?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm sorry Po, this hit so hard. I think we all have those moments in this process.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I haven't spoken with anyone lately, I tried a new bottle of ativan tonite, thinking maybe the older stuff I had from last summer is just outdated or something, I wasn't on anything for about 3 months and it was so nice but I know now that I had my head in the sand


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Po,
> 
> What was her childhood like?


Depression from like age 8 on. She said that at one point in her teen years her mom was driving her home after she had a particularly bad session and got frustrated and said to her "There are times I regret ever having you".

I obviously can't confirm or deny, I would never ASK her mother if she actually said that but I guess it wouldn't surprise me. There isn't a lot I know about some of her childhood, they moved around alot, her dad worked for a particular computer hardware manufacturer, did quite well for himself. She really has never known hardship aside from joining the Marines, and I have the letters from there where she used to talk about "The only thing that keeps me going is you, I can't wait to see you" and such. 

I'm realizing now that she's been running away from everything in her life in her quest to find happiness, but like the saying goes, "You can change your situation to try and be happy, but it is still the same you, just a different place". There is a lot to be said for that.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So... I'm going to post up the exact text message I just got. Let me preface this by saying that I do quite well for myself, for being in Nebraska, in terms of the money I make. My wife works from home as an independent contractor, and has paid no taxes or anything on what she makes:



> Opened my tax form, only made 12K this year. Don't think we have to worry too much about returns. Don't I have to make more than that in order to have much of anything taken out?


I can remember her telling me years ago "My mom used to work as a teacher but she quit because the amount she made pushed my dad into another tax bracket." So she knows exactly what she's getting us into, and playing ignorant. Not only that, but 12K is NOT enough to live on your own and support children, even if she is only going to have the kids for the summer months. 

*@(#*$* I need to move on from this... Lord help me.... I can't even respond to this text


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Depression from like age 8 on. She said that at one point in her teen years her mom was driving her home after she had a particularly bad session and got frustrated and said to her "There are times I regret ever having you".
> 
> I obviously can't confirm or deny, I would never ASK her mother if she actually said that but I guess it wouldn't surprise me. There isn't a lot I know about some of her childhood, they moved around alot, her dad worked for a particular computer hardware manufacturer, did quite well for himself. She really has never known hardship aside from joining the Marines, and I have the letters from there where she used to talk about "The only thing that keeps me going is you, I can't wait to see you" and such.
> 
> I'm realizing now that she's been running away from everything in her life in her quest to find happiness, but like the saying goes, "You can change your situation to try and be happy, but it is still the same you, just a different place". There is a lot to be said for that.


All of the stops and starts of her "projects" indicates she really thinks out loud about her plans and has no real intention of ever following-through on any of this. In other words, she isn't really going to get a job. She's not going to pull her weight.

These are the hallmarks of someone who simply will not take responsibility. That means owning her part.

She has no interest in that. You've done it all for her through the years. Likely hoping that doing all these things would bring you appreciation and love.

Being good to her earmarked you as a doormat. You lost your edge and her thoughts reverted to posOM - the guy who treated her like crap.

So much for earning love.

Many codependents fall into this trap.

Were either of her parents alcoholics? Was she adopted?

She now expects you to drive a divorce you don't want.

Are you ok with that?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Wow... 

Pretty much hit it on the head, sort of knew a lot of this already but you put it together really well...

When you say "Codependents fall into this trap" are you talking about me? Or both?

Her mother drinks a lot of wine, I don't know if it is really "excessive" though, her father is a workaholic who is rarely at home, in fact he had to go back to work because he lost most of his nest egg when he left his millions in one stock and it lost 90% of its value, so now he works in Arizona while her mom goes to Wisconsin for 6 months out of the year. 

As far as the divorce, hell no I don't want to do this but I don't know what other choices I have at this point. I have tried for 2 years to repair this freaking nonsense to no avail... bad counseling on top of everything else never helped. Her inability to be honest with counselors about her own issues forced me further into depression because over time I blamed myself more and more. 

The biggest thing I've realized is that when the betrayed spouse tries to own problems in the marriage that were not his/hers to begin with, they spiral out of control. However knowing that and being able to actually cope with it in a healthy manner are two distinct different things. 

Nothing I do seems to work as of yet...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How about standing up for yourself?

And, the guy looking back at you in the mirror is codependent - in spades.

I forgot whether you mentioned if you're in counseling.

If you're not, get a good one pronto.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Wow...
> 
> Pretty much hit it on the head, sort of knew a lot of this already but you put it together really well...
> 
> ...


So, after two years of trying to "nice" her out of this, you're willing to try something different?

BTW, I hope it WAS you that called posOMW.

That's the best move you've made.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I know what you are saying is correct.

And yes, I did call the posOMW, and it was really sad, because it was like I was talking to myself. SHe stated that her husband had done this before (big surprise) with other people. 

I know what I have to do. And yes I know I wallow in my own self pity, a stupid place to be. I am going to get the divorce paperwork done, it is time.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> How about standing up for yourself?
> 
> *And, the guy looking back at you in the mirror is codependent - in spades.*
> 
> ...


Let's focus on me for a moment, as I'm stuck right now with the bolded part... 

What are the ways to move past this, things I can do NOW? I'll be trying to find a new counselor (the one I have now is nice but doesn't seem to be helping), I do NOT want to ever repeat this. 

The other question about co-dependency... did 2 years of my actions contribute heavily, because I can remember having my own identity, and enjoying things... but after awhile I was only wrapped up in everything SHE wanted, I lost track of ME.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Let's focus on me for a moment, as I'm stuck right now with the bolded part...
> 
> What are the ways to move past this, things I can do NOW? I'll be trying to find a new counselor (the one I have now is nice but doesn't seem to be helping), I do NOT want to ever repeat this.
> 
> The other question about co-dependency... did 2 years of my actions contribute heavily, because I can remember having my own identity, and enjoying things... but after awhile I was only wrapped up in everything SHE wanted, I lost track of ME.


Uh-huh.

You thought it would make her happy.

When she didn't become happy, you just got nicer.

How did that work?

Now that you see that, what ways are you enabling her now?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Uh-huh.
> 
> You thought it would make her happy.
> 
> ...


My situation is difficult... in terms of enabling her. She says she will move out March 1st. Before that point I need to have this divorce paperwork completed, which means she must have some input into this. 

She's been living in my house while I work 90 miles from home, with our 2 kids, I can't really kick her out, I have no where to keep the kids here where I work, and selling the house is a possible option, still working on that one. The first month after she said she wanted the divorce, I didn't even come home, I would go with the kids to my parent's house on the weekends. Then I felt a little stronger and I stayed in the guest room of our house. But yah, I pay for everything, the car, daycare, the house, utilities, I imagine all of this helps enable her...

But from a more important standpoint, my failure to stand up for myself as she talked to him on Facebook, did paintings for him, and visiting him now twice, enabled her in a lot of ways. 

I'm no expert in this stuff, It seems like I can stand on the outside and look in and know what has to be done if it were other people going through the same thing, but with my own situation I'm so torn up..


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

zappy, I don't really think that way, my wife has some major issues that she has been dealing with since childhood, certainly part of me wants to condemn her as such but I know better. She'll have her own hell to deal with in the coming months as reality sets in, even so I don't want that for her I just know that's what will happen.

I need to work with myself at this point, complete the paperwork to financially protect myself and get custody of my children, and get on with my life. My focus has to be me and my kids.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Good stuff Po! Sounds like your doing alot better, great to hear!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Well, hopefully I at least sound convincing... Conrad is correct in a lot of ways, I never really considered just how emotionally dependent I've made myself towards my wife, and really to others. I talked with someone today who said that this is not at all abnormal for a betrayed spouse who tries to fix things, but that it is imperative that I get some sort of control over myself, and be comfortable being "by myself" (he said to stop calling it "alone" heh)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Well, hopefully I at least sound convincing... Conrad is correct in a lot of ways, I never really considered just how emotionally dependent I've made myself towards my wife, and really to others. I talked with someone today who said that this is not at all abnormal for a betrayed spouse who tries to fix things, but that it is imperative that I get some sort of control over myself, and be comfortable being "by myself" (he said to stop calling it "alone" heh)


Po,

What was your childhood like?

AND - btw - your story is rife with enabling. You paying for her school with your money. Asking nothing of her. You covering all the bases where you saw she was screwing up and coming up short - somehow imagining she would appreciate you seeing her inconsistency and supplementing it.

You're STILL paying her way. And, she's sitting around all wet for the posOM. Even suggesting you pay to get her to Buffalo.

Screw that man.

I realize you are logistically challenged. I'll bet if you put your mind to it, you could figure out something else. Your parents are fully supportive and would love an opportunity to help give her a dose of reality.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Po,
> 
> What was your childhood like?
> 
> ...


My childhood was normal, I think, grew up on a farm...

As far as enabling her, it was really hard to see it like that when I thought we were in a good marriage, before 2 years ago... and I thought we were working on things during the last couple of years. I followed bad advice from poor counselors and she lied to those counselors about her relationship with him. 

I'm trying guys... I'm majorly stressed today about another issue that came up with work, we have an inspection tomorrow and my bosses are NOT helping me at all to get ready.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Would you rather resume tomorrow?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I sent you a PM. I'll still post up in here as I journal my way through this divorce, but there are a few things I don't want to put here in the open


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Did have a talk with a psychologist tonite, she's talked with me off and on over the last two years, not a regular thing but always helpful. 

I asked her "I'm I losing my mind here? Is this normal to feel this way?"

She kind of laughed, not in a mean way by any means, but she said "What you are experiencing is a normal reaction to a crazy situation, that's the best way to look at it." To be honest, thinking of it that way brought about some relief. She also recommended, that even if I have to say it out loud, that I try and focus on the fact that my marriage is over, and that I also realize, it is not my fault, and that I'm still a great person as I move on with my life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Once again, not quite so fast.

What happened in your relationship was she started pushing boundaries and you let her.

She did nothing you didn't allow to happen.

There's a primal need in women to feel secure. They feel secure in the strength of their man. So, they test him. I mean, for God's sake, if he's not man enough to stand up to me, who is going to stand up and fight the world and protect me?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html

Just to entertain yourself, you can read a bit of it here.

Keep this in mind. The most interesting, lively, chatty, energetic women are the MOST likely to do this. They have an inner restlessness that the strength of a man soothes.

So, while your counselor wants to call this a one-off, I'm not so sure. I'm much more interested that you don't start getting on with the rest of your life and - like so many - find yourself RIGHT BACK HERE in about 7 years.

People are sent into our lives to teach us these things.

We need to learn it while they're with us, or we repeat the same mistakes.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Oh, my biggest mistake is dating and then marrying a "damsel in distress". Women carrying big problems into the relationship and my idiotic idea that I can "fix" anything. My wife was 12K in debt and her pickup got repossessed within 15 days of us moving in together. I fixed all of that. I built up what I believed was a great relationship, after a couple rocky years that is, then asked her to marry me, and built what I believed was a fabulous marriage. 

But what never changed was that she has always been a "distressed damsel", I may not have seen the signs but I truly believe that never quite went away. And by that I mean, regardless of what situation she is in, she can't be happy and feels some sort of deep need to be "rescued" so she can be content with her life. I really refuse to believe that being a good person in a truly faithful relationship would have turned out the same way as this did... you imply I did something horribly wrong, I would counter that with the right kind of person all my actions would have been reciprocated without fail.

So perhaps I am dependent on the need to fix people and I seem to pick the fixer uppers instead of someone who is a quality partner, i don't know, as you stated though, I will have to learn from this. I also have to realize that, regardless of what the future brings, I have 2 children with this woman and therefore I have to accept that she is going to be involved, even if it be indirectly, in my life. 

I love my kids so much... I know, a little random but I'm just thinking about them tonite.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> So perhaps I am dependent on the need to fix people and I seem to pick the fixer uppers instead of someone who is a quality partner, i don't know, as you stated though, I will have to learn from this.


Yes, and this is why I worry about your counselor's cavalier attitude toward your "fixing".

You're talking to a reformed rescuer.

I have a link for you.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

> Keep this in mind. The most interesting, lively, chatty, energetic women are the MOST likely to do this. They have an inner restlessness that the strength of a man soothes.


Just a bit about my wife, she is very quiet, prefers sleep to all else, and is borderline agoraphobic around other people, HATES new people and groups of people. Pretty much mostly the opposite of this.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

One other thing about my situation, I didn't turn into a doormat until a bad marriage counselor worked with us... in fact if I remember correctly that is my first thread on this website, because I was so utterly defeated and beaten down that I didn't know what to do. 

Before that I was very much in control and did stand up to my wife about things that were not right.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Just a bit about my wife, she is very quiet, prefers sleep to all else, and is borderline agoraphobic around other people, HATES new people and groups of people. Pretty much mostly the opposite of this.


What was she like when you first met her?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I met my wife online in 1996. We got to know each other over the course of 6 years before we met in person, the last year or so we talked on the phone, the last few months before we met we talked on the phone pretty much every night.

In person she was more quiet and kept to herself around people she didn't know, but she was open with me and we were both very much giving people. I didn't treat her very well the first year or so we lived together. This is something I take responsibility for but it is also something we discussed at great length before we ever got married, because (I believed) that by doing so it would heal anything that had happened. Now I'm not so sure she ever forgave me. It involved communication with an ex-gf.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> I met my wife online in 1996. We got to know each other over the course of 6 years before we met in person, the last year or so we talked on the phone, the last few months before we met we talked on the phone pretty much every night.
> 
> In person she was more quiet and kept to herself around people she didn't know, but she was open with me and we were both very much giving people. I didn't treat her very well the first year or so we lived together. This is something I take responsibility for but it is also something we discussed at great length before we ever got married, because (I believed) that by doing so it would heal anything that had happened. Now I'm not so sure she ever forgave me. It involved communication with an ex-gf.


So, all these issues that you speak of - with her as perpetual victim - developed over time.

And you don't see how this was a boundary issue?

She pushed - you gave in.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

During the last two years, yes, but I cannot overstate the damage that the first counselor did:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/24805-what-do-about-bad-marriage-counselor.html

I honestly believed the counselor and we both received some truly terrible advice...

And her "perpetual victim" status is more of an excuse for her own behavior than anything I actually did.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> During the last two years, yes, but I cannot overstate the damage that the first counselor did:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/24805-what-do-about-bad-marriage-counselor.html
> 
> ...


Of course it is, but you allowed her to take the victim chair - and catered to her as a result.

This is the "signal" one sends a boundary pushing spouse that their bad behavior will be tolerated. Things degenerate from there.

You'll see it in one story after another.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I went back and read what you wrote about the marriage counseling.

You do realize you were giving ground back then.

Allowing your wife to blameshift her affair onto you set a bad precedent.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Like I said, it didn't go well at all... I couldn't speak up for myself without getting shot down completely, then I believed that taking the blame was what I was supposed to do to fix my marriage, without realizing that it in fact set me up for a long drawn out failure. 

It is interesting, after we left that counselor for good, I looked her up online and she had several really negative reviews, all from men who said that she either ruined their marriage or made things far worse than they started out at.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Like I said, it didn't go well at all... I couldn't speak up for myself without getting shot down completely, then I believed that taking the blame was what I was supposed to do to fix my marriage, without realizing that it in fact set me up for a long drawn out failure.
> 
> It is interesting, after we left that counselor for good, I looked her up online and she had several really negative reviews, all from men who said that she either ruined their marriage or made things far worse than they started out at.


Were you the oldest, middle, or youngest in your childhood home?

Lots of sibling rivalry?

Parents look on you as the peacemaker?

Are your parents still alive?

If not, how old were you when they passed away?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

oldest, not really, no, yes, still alive and together, (as are her parents)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> oldest, not really, no, yes, still alive and together, (as are her parents)


You're in the military. Are most of your close friends primarily males or females?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> You're in the military. Are most of your close friends primarily males or females?


Most are men. Talking to one now on the phone. The two best people I talk to as far as advice are my aunt and a male cousin. I do have very good support.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Most are men. Talking to one now on the phone. The two best people I talk to as far as advice are my aunt and a male cousin. I do have very good support.


Rather than ask you 20 questions, it's likely best for you to get this from a professional:

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

It's a really quick read. I'll bet you see yourself in there.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I've already got it on my phone. Being a nice guy, not being a nice guy, doesn't change her. I understand where you are coming from with this, but the person I was the last 2 years is not the person I was before, first off, and secondly, my wife's depression and running from her problems were not going to be changed by the type of person I am, that's a stone cold fact... I'm willing to take responsibility for being too nice, however the fact remains that it wouldn't have mattered what I did, putting my foot down two years ago might have saved me some grief because she would have left right away, but all of this "you didn't set boundaries this" and "you enabled her" that ignore the fact that the more severe issues by far were those that she had. 

I appreciate the idea of helping me out here, that's great, I've taken a lot from that book, however I've also realized that all the "self help" in the world will not do much of anything for someone with a F'ed up spouse who refuses to do anything to fix a relationship on their part.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Yesterday I went home, I moved some of my stuff over into the guest room (where I've been staying anyway), got my computer set up in there too. It was nice to just have me and the kids in there doing our thing, without having to worry about STBXW at all. 

She seemed surprised I moved my computer out of the room, then she asked about tonite (being Valentine's day) if I would be home or not, I said no that I had plans. About 10 minutes later she asks me what "plans" I've got, and I told her just a basketball game (going with a buddy, and some other married couples). It was strange because its the first time she's seemed to care about what I'm doing in quite a while.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Yesterday I went home, I moved some of my stuff over into the guest room (where I've been staying anyway), got my computer set up in there too. It was nice to just have me and the kids in there doing our thing, without having to worry about STBXW at all.
> 
> She seemed surprised I moved my computer out of the room, then she asked about tonite (being Valentine's day) if I would be home or not, I said no that I had plans. About 10 minutes later she asks me what "plans" I've got, and I told her just a basketball game (going with a buddy, and some other married couples). It was strange because its the first time she's seemed to care about what I'm doing in quite a while.


Get used to it.

Talk less, do more.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Next time just say you got some things to do. Don't tell her what exactly you'll be doing.

Keep in my mind she betrayed you and is no longer your friend. She is your enemy. You do not tell your enemies what you'll be doing right?


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Agreed....tell her its none of her business what your up to.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Heya Gulf, good to see a fellow vet on


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So went to the basketball game tonite with my buddy, the team we went to see lost, oh well. Still having a little difficulty being out and feeling anxiety and such.

I actually worked on the divorce mediation paperwork tonite while I was at the game. It seemed a lot easier to do being in a noisy place versus by myself at my workplace. When I'm by myself trying to work on it I find myself really feeling trapped and overwhelmed, not sure why...


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Are you giving yourself some time away from this crap?Dwelling on this 24/7 is not healthy.I always gave myself the weekends away from the divorce.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Well, today was the first day I actually worked on the divorce... I had been putting it off a long time.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I would tell you to get it over with -the sooner the better.The longer it goes on the uglier it gets and the the more agonizing.The day my divorce came after all the legal rangling I can say that I was relieved.The ex was crying after they handed her the divorce decree and I was smiling. wtf? :scratchhead:She initiated the divorce.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

gulfwarvet said:


> I would tell you to get it over with -the sooner the better.The longer it goes on the uglier it gets and the the more agonizing.The day my divorce came after all the legal rangling I can say that I was relieved.The ex was crying after they handed her the divorce decree and I was smiling. wtf? :scratchhead:She initiated the divorce.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

The unfortunate aspect for me is the fact that she fails to act on most anything, well, perhaps fortunate actually, considering that, if this is imminent, and it appears to be, I can pretty much set this up any way that I want to. Still hard but I'm glad I got a big chunk of it started last night.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> The unfortunate aspect for me is the fact that she fails to act on most anything, well, perhaps fortunate actually, considering that, if this is imminent, and it appears to be, I can pretty much set this up any way that I want to. Still hard but I'm glad I got a big chunk of it started last night.


Exactly - what does she follow-through on?

(Other than her quest for posOM's attention)


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So, after working on the issues with the separation it had become apparent to me that there isn't really a way to fiscally make this work, until she finishes school, because of where she wants to live and the impact it is going to have on where the kids are in daycare. 

So I thought that talking to my wife about the issue, and the common sense nature of said issue, would lead to an agreement that waiting until she finishes school in 2 and a half months would be a much better idea, plus it would allow us to finish the divorce paperwork completely. Now mind you, I work 90 miles away from my house so I'm only home about half the time, which gives her separation more than she had before regardless...

But no, as usual, my wife doesn't think rationally about anything, and she states that she is going to move out March 1st, 30 miles in the opposite direction from me because "I like the trees in the area". So, it is Feb 21, she has basically one week to get cracking on this move, yet she has done absolutely nothing. I asked her about daycare, if she plans to drive the kids the 30 miles then 5 miles beyond to drop them off at the current daycare, then 20 miles back the opposite direction to go to school... "Oh, I'm going to look for daycare closer". Uh.... a week left? She also insinuated that maybe I should look into it. I flat out said "NO" because I think this entire "I am leaving NOW" nonsense is immature, selfish, and a guaranteed disaster.

She has contacted the apartment complex about the costs of a one bedroom (ONE BEDROOM, her and 2 kids???) but has not done a credit check or income verification with them. I asked what dishes she is taking along? "None of them, I'm going to buy new dishes" with a snotty attitude as though our current dishes suck or something. They are a decent set but we've had them a long time because WITH HER IN SCHOOL AND KILLING US MONETARILY WE CANNOT AFFORD F'ING A N Y T H I N G ! ! ! ! 

At least that is about to change. Oh and despite my telling her not to get a phone because I'd be stuck with like 250 dollar termination fee for her phone to shut it down, she paid 300 bucks for an unlocked phone off the internet then set it up with some 45 dollar unlimited **** service... only to find out that it apparently does not work indoors (haha, AT&T blows). 

To really sum up her current situation, it is like she is riding along in a little boat, looking up at her dreams in the sky, mind you, these are dreams, not goals, because she has no realistic goals to ever get to these dreams, and in the meantime right in front of her face is a waterfall of her own fiscal disaster but she isn't even facing it, as though the money will just flow from the heavens for her. 

I find myself actually laughing as I think about this sometimes... at least that is a bit of a change, right?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

No offense dude...but your wife doesn't sound like the brightest bulb on the tree.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Po12345 said:


> My situation is difficult... in terms of enabling her. She says she will move out March 1st. Before that point I need to have this divorce paperwork completed, which means she must have some input into this.
> 
> She's been living in my house while I work 90 miles from home, with our 2 kids, I can't really kick her out, I have no where to keep the kids here where I work, and selling the house is a possible option, still working on that one. The first month after she said she wanted the divorce, I didn't even come home, I would go with the kids to my parent's house on the weekends. Then I felt a little stronger and I stayed in the guest room of our house. But yah, I pay for everything, the car, daycare, the house, utilities, I imagine all of this helps enable her...
> 
> ...



Are you doing the paperwork sooner because she wants it done sooner?

I'm not saying to play mind games or 180 or anything but you stated it makes more sense to wait til she graduates right?

Fiscally, logistically,etc...

Are you in a strong enough place to tell her:
"you want it done sooner than you do it, if I do it then itll get done when you graduate!"


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> No offense dude...but your wife doesn't sound like the brightest bulb on the tree.


My wife is so deep in denial right now, that's the issue. She's never been very responsible about money, but at least she gave a little forethought and planning to what she was doing before. Right now, she is doing the whole "Walk Away" thing, but it is more like a "Run Like Hell" situation. She has stated quite plainly "I want nothing from you, I don't want alimony, I don't want any of your pension, I don't want your help at all" which seems to include handing over the kids to me during the school year.

She's actually very intelligent, let's just say her cup of common sense isn't exactly "overflowing" by any means currently. But then again, mine isn't either, albeit for a different reason.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Are you doing the paperwork sooner because she wants it done sooner?
> 
> I'm not saying to play mind games or 180 or anything but you stated it makes more sense to wait til she graduates right?
> 
> ...


My whole point for doing the paperwork sooner is to protect myself fiscally, for 2 reasons:

1) She's willing to give everything up right now IMMEDIATELY in order to run away from the marriage (see above post)

2) If she gets credit cards, any types of loans, or any other monetary considerations that have to be paid back, I would still be held responsible as her husband for paying those off. She stated there is "no way" that she would screw me over like that, but as a lot of people on this forum would say "Yah right, wait till she is on her own and has nothing left and watch what happens then."


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

i agree, disconnect as soon as possible. I did. It sent a clear message out that if you want out, then we separate, in all aspects
:smthumbup:


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

You cant trust anyone who says "i wont do this and i wont do that" when they have proven they will go behind your back for another man. I fell into that trap and it cost me dear, that is just my 2 cents but i would hate to see that happen to anyone else


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

deepthought said:


> You cant trust anyone who says "i wont do this and i wont do that" when they have proven *they will go behind your back for another man.* I fell into that trap and it cost me dear, that is just my 2 cents but i would hate to see that happen to anyone else


I had to bold this part because of how important this is in terms of trying to trust someone... 

What is mind boggling to me is that my wife STILL believes to this day that she has done "nothing wrong". She literally says that, "I have never done anything wrong in respect to (his name), he is my friend, all I ever did was visited him." What is worse is how counselors can actually hear her say this and ignore not only how important it would be to address the issues related to that, but also to explain how destructive this can be to a faithful spouse and how terribly it can send the faithful spouse spinning into depression. 

And yes, I enabled her the last two years, but telling me that and chastising me for that doesn't really do me any good. When you boil it down, that isn't even a fair assessment, when someone works to save a relationship because they love another person, and that other person destroys the relationship because they just don't care. Faulting me, especially those who did the same thing I did and are now looking back with 20/20 vision years later, having been able to get over the emotional attachment and move on, is some real bullshxx... if anything you should know more than others how horrible this is and know where the real blame lies.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Well, I got one hour of sleep last night, and my last post on here was very judgemental of people trying to help me and for that I apologize 

I'm having a rough time of things, as we get closer to March 1st, the date she has circled as "moving day", my anxiety seems to be creeping ever higher. And if she does end up moving out I fear that my depression will slam me hard. I am trying so hard to get past the "denial stage" of my grief. Yes, it has been nearly 2 years since all of this began, but please understand that it hasn't even been 2 months since she said she wanted a divorce. 

The worst thing for me is that I can look at other people writing out exactly what I'm posting, and I can answer them rationally, but I can't even follow my own f'ing advice... I feel pathetic.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Well...the only thing left to do is get off your 'pathetic feeling' self and get a grip. You should be done with the feeling sorry for yourself aura and start grasping what is happening and take the world by the balls and own it...sink or swim. We all have depression were all traumatized by what has happened to us and what is happening to us...

You either roll over and die...or you take control where you can and take back your life and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I guess it depends on when your sick and tired of feeling the way your feeling... no one else is going to do it for you your just going to have to do it. Period. Obviously right? 

So do it. Get a grip. And deal.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I am feeling much better today... I have got to make a better effort to get more sleep, yesterday was horrible... This requires more of a focus on me, less on "what might happen" and more on "what will happen". 

I have to recognize those things that I can control and just walk away from what I cannot control. Looking at it like that is a LOT easier than trying to look at it like "her" or "me". My focus needs to be on my children and how to make sure they are well taken care of, I have the means to do just that, but I have to get my head right.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Hey PO glad to see you are doing somewhat better. In the past I had a few times my children caught me crying,just broken. I realized tho,those little ppl really do love UNCONDITIONALLY!! They will always be there,so Ive shifted my thoughts from STBXH to these amazing lil ppl in my life,who will always be there. When you feel dwn think of ur babies like that an perhaps it will bring you a little bit of sunshine! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

It is hard to explain just how much the sleep helped me this weekend. 13 hours on Friday night seemed to really get me going on Saturday, as far as how I felt both mentally and physically.

Again, not sure what this weekend will bring, she got an apartment application, but it is up to her. I am not here to help her and I'm doing better about not worrying what she does. Trying to prepare myself, get things done at work, etc. It goes back to the whole "work on what you can control, don't dwell on what you can't"


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## mich (Feb 27, 2013)

hi po,my story is i think im good looking,everybody else thinks the same i have plenty of money,im healthy,ability to make plenty of money 4 beautiful kids,survived cancer,huge beautiful home debt free,i do not use alchol since 1982 no drugs since 1990,no gambling,no infedility,and many other good things to be thankful for, im 52 a man like you,BUT i have lost 30Lbs also,everything i eat taste like chalk,15min per night of sleep,can not constrate on anything,totaly unemployable,heart actually aches,grieving to no end,depresed to no end.This all started 7 monthes ago,my wife of 16yrs has been out of the house fo 30 days,she showed up aweek ago with 2 men and truck to get all of her stuff for her new apartment,so i know how you feel.It hurts,talking like this takes alot of guts for a guy my age im willing to try anything,i do no it will get better!im not going to let one person ruin the whole world around me. P.S.money won"t make you happy! you will also get better!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mich said:


> hi po,my story is i think im good looking,everybody else thinks the same i have plenty of money,im healthy,ability to make plenty of money 4 beautiful kids,survived cancer,huge beautiful home debt free,i do not use alchol since 1982 no drugs since 1990,no gambling,no infedility,and many other good things to be thankful for, im 52 a man like you,BUT i have lost 30Lbs also,everything i eat taste like chalk,15min per night of sleep,can not constrate on anything,totaly unemployable,heart actually aches,grieving to no end,depresed to no end.This all started 7 monthes ago,my wife of 16yrs has been out of the house fo 30 days,she showed up aweek ago with 2 men and truck to get all of her stuff for her new apartment,so i know how you feel.It hurts,talking like this takes alot of guts for a guy my age im willing to try anything,i do no it will get better!im not going to let one person ruin the whole world around me. P.S.money won"t make you happy! you will also get better!


Mich,

Start your own thread.

We'll do our best to listen and help.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> It is hard to explain just how much the sleep helped me this weekend. 13 hours on Friday night seemed to really get me going on Saturday, as far as how I felt both mentally and physically.
> 
> Again, not sure what this weekend will bring, she got an apartment application, but it is up to her. I am not here to help her and I'm doing better about not worrying what she does. Trying to prepare myself, get things done at work, etc. It goes back to the whole "work on what you can control, don't dwell on what you can't"


I'm so glad to hear you got some sleep! It makes a difference big time...that's the one thing I really really love doing being single Po...is I get to and do sleep all I want...

Make sure your eating too by the way...


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## mich (Feb 27, 2013)

new at this, How do i start anew thread!


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Hey PO just checking in with you


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

deepthought said:


> Hey PO just checking in with you


Same here...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Hey guys (and gals). I'm doing okay.

Still haven't gotten entirely past enabling though. She has the apartment, she was approved for it (I have no idea how). But that is a good thing, I am just trying to convince my idiot heart heh. 

Last Wednesday she told me she was failing 3 classes and behind by several assignments at work, so I asked if she needed me to come get the kids on Thursday so she could work, she said that would be good (I know I know, please don't judge me, I have to stop doing this).

So Thursday I got the kids, came home, 5 rolls around, then 6, still she isn't around. I get an email from a friend, asking "Hey are you guys doing okay?". Mind you we are trying to be discrete about this situation, for ourselves and our children, but apparently she posted something like this on Facebook:

"I got the apartment! *excited* Any burly men want to help me move some furniture?"

And our mutual friend read this and sent me an email wondering what was going on. RIGHT as I read this she walks in the door, comes upstairs, of course she knows something is wrong. I ask her if she really did put that on Facebook (if I'd had 5 minutes I could have let it go, just bad timing) and she gets all defensive:

"I can't post anything anywhere, I can't talk to my friends, all you ever do is get pissed off and angry" and she headed into her office to work.

I knocked on the door and talked to her, because I realized something: It isn't fair for someone to get upset with you simply because you are feeling hurt, or to accuse you of "getting pissed off and angry" when in fact you are actually feeling HURT, especially when any rational person in the same situation would, in fact, FEEL HURT.

She stated she posted "burly" but not "men", I told her I didn't care about that, it was the whole "excited" thing that hurt, but that wasn't even the big deal, it was the idea that we were going to try and be discrete about this. She insisted I tell her who sent me the email, it was a mutual friend, and it wasn't even important. 

The other issue that was bothering me was that, the reason she wasn't working like she said she would be, was that she was out getting the keys and signing the lease to her apartment. So I was coming home to watch the kids so she could get ready to move out. I just don't like being lied to, even if she HAD to have the lease signed THAT DAY (which is difficult for me to believe, they are likely open on weekends), she should have stated that. But, this is a pattern, I realize this, I shouldn't expect anything different, and it is likely she didn't see this as any big deal because she sees this differently than I do.

It appears that she wants to take her time moving out, which is not going to happen. I wanted to go home today to talk to her about this but I have a cold that got so bad that I didn't sleep but two hours last night. I've learned now that if I don't get sleep I can NOT be around her, because I'm irrational, and it ends up being 2 irrational people trying to work on real issues, which is sort of like trying to knock down a brick wall with water balloons, it is NOT going to happen LOL. I plan to stay here tonite, get sleep, oh and my parents are watching the kids and the kids are doing AWESOME, they are so happy right now. I do NOT blame their stress on myself or my wife, but they know things are not going well for us and it isn't the best for them. 

I will have to be here all weekend because we have drill, but tomorrow night one of my Soldiers is coming out to stay the night here. He says it is because he doesn't want to drive Friday morning but I think it is more likely because he is one of my more trusted guys and he knows what I'm going through (he is a former Marine and his ex wife once pointed a gun at his head when he lived in California years ago). So I'm looking forward to spending some time with him. He's in a much better marriage now, the woman he is now with is a great person, gives me a lot of hope.

I talked to my counselor today for about an hour and a half and it went very very well. We discussed some of what I've been talking about with close family in the last week, that nothing I could have ever done was ever going to change this situation, that my wife was destined to run because it is her pattern: She is unhappy with life, her depression/anxiety get the best of her, and she has to blame someone/something and move on in order to "find happiness". My problem is I keep thinking about what may or may not happen to her, and that's not my problem any longer. 

I'm recognizing that one of the reasons this is so hard on me is because I feel responsible even now for what is about to happen to her. I wish the best for her, that she finds a job making good money and makes it on her own, but I know that in all reality, she's used to living a certain way, on a certain amount of money, and her illusions are not going to match up well with what will become her reality. I have to let go of those thoughts though, and understand that I am not responsible for her any longer. In my marriage I never minded being a caretaker and a giver, so much so that I've gone well beyond what a rational person should ever do, destroying a lot of myself in the process. 

As I look over this post, rehashing, repeating in some areas, but I hope all of you understand that I'm getting through this process, that each day is truly getting a little better. There are times I wish I didn't love her, that I could HATE her, but then I realize that being able to love someone even through such a crappy situation is what really defines the good in a person. Not trying to toot my own horn, I just need to continue to build on what is positive in myself. 

And don't worry, even though I'm not where I need to be, I also recognize that you can love someone without having to enable them, you can love someone WHILE setting boundaries up. SO:

1) Work on sleeping more *as previously stated*
2) Work on what I can control, let go of what I can't *also stated*
3) NEW!!! FXXXING SET UP SOME BOUNDARIES! <-- Po needs to man up


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you thought about exposing this?

As it stands you are a silent co-conspirator.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Could you be a bit more specific? I don't know what you mean by that?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Po12345 said:


> Could you be a bit more specific? I don't know what you mean by that?


Does her family, your family, co-workers, PTA, school, etc. know about her and posOM?

Is there a benefit to you from suffering in silence and having the death of a 1000 cuts when these things come to light?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

My family knows, her mother knows because I called and told her. She works from home as a contractor.

I am no longer focused on him, or her actions with him, for some very specific reasons. There is nothing I could have done, no changes I could have made, no way I could have lived or done anything differently that was going to change what is happening in my marriage. 

This isn't to say that I couldn't have been a better husband, I know the things I could have done better, HOWEVER, what I've come to realize through the excellent support I've gotten, is that my wife is unhappy, and she believes that moving on is how she's going to find a way to not be depressed. 

Problem with that: Happiness isn't generally conditional on location, it is personal. You can change your surroundings, but YOU are still there. Even I have a lot of work to do on this one. 

I know what you are saying, Conrad, as far as the posOM, but apparently he's not talking to her anymore, and she cut him out of Facebook. Again, it doesn't really matter, this separation is happening regardless, I don't want to look back at "him and her" or anything else she is up to. It is going to be a long fall off that cross she has put herself on, and I am not the one to be there to catch her when that happens.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Haven't we told you to expose her far and wide when you had your last thread on some months ago?

You need to tell everyone related to both of you what the exact reasons of your separation are.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

They know. That is what I'm saying. I'm past that point already.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Then why did that friend email you? Apparently not everyone close to you knows about it.

You need to tell them how she met posOM 2 years ago then how she went back to him few months ago as well and that is why you are separating from her.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Going around airing dirty laundry while I'm working the separation isn't going to help my situation at all. The people that truly matter in all of this know what is going on. Running around waving the flag of "MY WIFE IS A HO BAG" to everyone isn't going to change anything. People will find out the reasons why this happened in due time.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

It actually will help your situation whether you see it now or not.

And no where did I tell you to say such a thing about your stbx, you would just state the facts that you know and those are the reason's you're divorcing your wife. 

You ask for their support in these rough times, not appear as a mad/vindictive husband.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I actually have very good support, I have a LOT of online friends over the years that I don't want to drag into this situation. I will gradually let them know as this all winds down, but for now my family is really being awesome, our mutual 'real life' friends all know what has happened and are supportive too. 

I don't have anyone blaming me for what has happened, there is pretty much a universal understanding that my wife has some pretty severe emotional issues and she's the only one that can ever fix those. My responsibilities right now lie with my kids, my family, and my job. I'm getting a LOT of support. I had a chat with the psychologist who works with a bunch of the Soldiers in this state and she told me I'm doing better than just about everyone else she's working with in similiar situations... I told her "That's odd because it sure doesn't feel all that much better", but I'm able to find humor in some of these situations now which is helping me, as odd as it may sound. I honestly do have to laugh at some of this because some of what is going on is so ridiculous... but like I said, for me to argue with an irrational person is pointless so I just smile and nod...

And I appreciate you guys' replies... very little bit helps, every opinion too


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

She moved out, on Monday. Feeling very alone. It is very normal. Going to have the legal separation done soon. Not much to say, just, very alone, went through the house yesterday and had a panic attack. Never felt that alone before. I'm doing as best as I can do though.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you work out?

Any hobbies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Po12345 said:


> She moved out, on Monday. Feeling very alone. It is very normal. Going to have the legal separation done soon. Not much to say, just, very alone, went through the house yesterday and had a panic attack. Never felt that alone before. I'm doing as best as I can do though.


Hey man this is normal, I remember my first night after she left, I was at the store shopping for groceries wondering how I needed to adapt as a single dad with little friends and no family far from my home town, but you know what? It made me stronger I see that now. It will take time, and probably many long nights wondering around what seems like a broken and empty house but it will get better. Its the beginning of a new and exciting life now for you, may not seem like it now, but in time it will. These times now will shape you in ways you can't see now and I know from my excperience that god may put these challenges in out psath in order for us to learn. Stay strong buddy I have every confidence in you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

How are you doing po??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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