# High School sweathearts 19 years need help



## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

Hi all. I'm new to the site and seeking some advice.

I have been married for almost 19 years. And about a month ago my wife came to me and said she wasnt happy. She told me why and I told her those are all things I can and will change. I started doing alot of soul searching and noticed I had neglected her by playing video games with my buddies and not doing more to help her at home. But she agrees that she never spoke up and enabled my behavior because it was easier to say yes. She said things like she loves me but isnt in-love with me.

Well about a week into me trying to make ammends and trying to show her I can be the man she fell for and plan our future better. I discovered on the phone bill that she was talking and texting someone alot over the pervious 3 months. When I busted her she confessed she had started having feelings for her boss but isnt sure what those feelings are. I told her I still wanted to save our marriage and fight for us. She agreed to counseling but after one session she didnt want to go back.

It has been two weeks and we finally sat down and had a heart to heart talk. She says she is still evaluating our relationship but doesnt feel anything for me. She loves me as the father of our kids and her high school sweetheart of almost 20 years. But she isnt sure she can get the spark back. She said if she leaves me it isnt for anyone else because that would be stupid. She said she has always done everything for everyone else, but she needs to do something for her to make her happy. I told her i support her if she wants to make a career change or something else to be fulfilled.

Anyway she wants to try separation, but in home because we cant afford two seperate living places. I am goign nuts because I love her with all my heart and she is acting like we are just friends. She doesnt want to talk to anyone about it. But she is going away for a weekend with a girlfriend in 2 weeks.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh, and she claims she told the guy she needed space. She changed work locations. But refuses to change her gym schedule where she could possibly run into him.

And she said she deosnt want to talk about it anymore. She said no therapist, pastor, friend, family member, or anyone can tell her how to feel.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she most likley cheating on you. be perpard for it.


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## alliwantislove (Feb 8, 2012)

I understand how you feel now. It is heart broken and devastated. I am not the best person for advise but it would be hard for her to decide whether she wants to fix her marriage with you or end the marriage if the third party is still in the picture. Even though she claimed that her decision would not be based on that matter but I believe it can cloud her judgement about you and the marriage itself.


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## wpr209 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, I think an important question to ask. How long did you neglect her? Sounds like something that could have been going on a long time. If so, it would be no surprise that she feels the way she does. 

I'm kind of in the opposite boat. If I help out with things, or encourage her to spend time/money/attention on herself, I'm told not to worry about it. On top of that, if I help with cleaning or other things it's just proving that "she can't keep up with what she is supposed to and I'm better at everything".

geeze....


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Textbook cheating plot.

It may not have become physical yet, but is surely going to be in very short order.

Be ready to lose your wife. She will most likely try it out and feel like crap and run back to you.

Do some snooping and find out the extent of the affair. It's likely to have gone too far already. Expose it to everyone and make sure her boss's position at the company gets affected by the exposure of the affair.

Your wife is being a silly idiot and will soon regret all this.

She's full of resentments and your years of neglect have hurt her to the point of checking out of the marriage. At this point, don't beg or plead, but understand that she does not want the "old you". 

In any case, nothing you have done can justify her possible physical affair. Don't ever feel guilty about her cheating on you. That's solely on her. The marriage can be saved, but again, how far are you willing to go as far as infidelity on her part?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your current actions are only enabling her to continue her affair. The goal is to get the OM out of the picture by making the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent to continue.

It sound like she for sure has stepped out of the marriage and won't ever consider working on it as long as she has contact with OM.

Make no mistake, the weekend will involve the OM and I would consider this abandonment and would tell my wife to stay away for good if she desided to take this kind of step that will hurt this already fragile marriage.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

I told her i dont want to be the old me, but an entirely new person. I do fear she is still talking to this guy. And the trip with the girlfriend is a lie. 

I honestly would hate to ruin the guys career. And she has also asked me not to do that because he has a 6 year old to take care of.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

How do I make it uncomfortable?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> I told her i dont want to be the old me, but an entirely new person. I do fear she is still talking to this guy. And the trip with the girlfriend is a lie.
> 
> I honestly would hate to ruin the guys career. And she has also asked me not to do that because he has a 6 year old to take care of.


F--- him 

find your balls


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

synthetic said:


> She's full of resentments and your years of neglect have hurt her to the point of checking out of the marriage. At this point, don't beg or plead, but understand that she does not want the "old you".
> 
> In any case, nothing you have done can justify her possible physical affair. Don't ever feel guilty about her cheating on you. That's solely on her. The marriage can be saved, but again, how far are you willing to go as far as infidelity on her part?



It was really the past year and half she said I neglected her.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> F--- him
> 
> find your balls


All I have is the phone records showing they were texting and calling. Along with a screenshot of the Find My iPhone app the day I busted her when she was supposed to be coming home but was sitting in a parking lot away from her work.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm so sorry for what is going on. Others will tell you also, but suggesting seperation is so often part of the plan for exploring the relationship with the other man. Think about it. There is no abuse, and you have committed to make changes that you see are needed. If no other man was potentially in the picture, she may not be able to committ to working real hard on the relationship, but she would have no reason to try to get away from you either. What is the harm in giving you a chance, unless you have proven that you always fail? At the very least, seperation means that she considers her current marriage to be the less likely option for the future. I'd personally suggest telling her that the options are to committ to the marriage, or accept that it is over. Too many people use seperation as code words for 'exploring other relationships'.

You might consider requesting this to be moved to the infidelity section, since another man was at least initially involved.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

I have a big Valentines Day romantic dinner planned. I was going to use that as a gauge and then lay down an ultimatum. The next day of course.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> All I have is the phone records showing they were texting and calling. Along with a screenshot of the Find My iPhone app the day I busted her when she was supposed to be coming home but was sitting in a parking lot away from her work.


Well get busy then. Gather more evidence and be armed with knowledge.

Take control of your own situation. Your wife is a wayward already. 

You're concerned about the other man who is most likely screwing your wife?!! Where the hell did you leave your balls? Go find them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can make this uncomfortable by 1st taking the steps to confirm there is an outside influence that is preventing the marriage from being repired. Getting this evidence will validate your next step. Step2 expose the affair.

When the affair is now expossed it is now longer a fantasy and now has become a drame for both your WW and the OM. It makes it uncomfortable to be publicly seen. 

Taking control of your finiaces and protect your money by preventing your WW on spending it on her exit plan and making it convienent to be with OM.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

She did admit she should have never gotten anyone else involved. I do not know how else to prove anything. They now work at different locations and I work 30 minutes away form where they may be "running" into each other at the gym.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Man you are seriously in the grease - odds are she's lying through her teeth to you. She was sitting in a parking lot?? Guess who was in that parked car with her? Do you remember what you did in a parked cars with members of the opposite sex when you were younger? 

Do not let this weekend trip go down - if it does your that much farther in the grease. Even if it is legit - which smart money says it's not - she shouldn't be leaving the marriage to invest time with her girlfriends when your marriage is in a tail spin. 

Get you're evidence. Key logger on the computer, voice activated recorder in the car. Once you've got it confront her and tell her it's you and the marriage or she can go pack.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Oh and I'd suggest asking a moderator to move this over to the Coping with Infidelity section stat.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

VAR (voice activated recorder) planted in her car.
Keylogger on the computor
And keep track of the phone bill, even though you have already exposed that avenue of information.
There may even be a secret cell phone so do some digging in her panty drawer and other loction she may think you won't look.
If you have the dough then hire a PI to watch the gym. In shouldn't cost much, just tell him the when and weres and it sould be easy enough to confirm her real reason for leaving the marriage.

I also suggest a GPS b/c she may not be going to the gym at all and the survalence on the gym could be a waste of money or take longer to get what you need which also increase the cost of a PI.

Enless you can trust a friend to do this for you its always best to hire a pro and give him the information that will make it less costly to find a PA.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> VAR (voice activated recorder) planted in her car.
> Keylogger on the computor
> And keep track of the phone bill, even though you have already exposed that avenue of information.
> There may even be a secret cell phone so do some digging in her panty drawer and other loction she may think you won't look.
> ...


She has an iPhone and uses that for all her text and everything. She doesnt use a computer. I have dug aroudn in her stuff and her car and I have found no evidence of another phone. And I just found out she changed the password for the phone account online.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think a iPhone can be hacked if its synced to a computer.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> And I just found out she changed the password for the phone account online.


More bad news. Major red flag here. I'm sorry man but this isn't looking good.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> And I just found out she changed the password for the phone account online.


There you go. 

Any doubts about her being dishonest should now be erased in your mind.

She's cheating on you.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

I have challenged her on all of this. She says she changed the password on the phone log because I wouldnt stop hounding her about it. Honestly she didnt call/ text the guy for 3 weeks after being busted. Of course now I cant look.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> Of course now I cant look.


That's the whole deal right there. If she wasn't hiding something she wouldn't/shouldn't care. One of the first thing a cheater who wants to reconcile must do is provide the betrayed spouse complete transparency for this very reason. You have to be able to look so you can have at least some reassurance that there isn't still a third party in your marriage.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> That's the whole deal right there. If she wasn't hiding something she wouldn't/shouldn't care. One of the first thing a cheater who wants to reconcile must do is provide the betrayed spouse complete transparency for this very reason. You have to be able to look so you can have at least some reassurance that there isn't still a third party in your marriage.


I told her she had to be an open book and she told me she is being completely honest. Said she isnt interested in starting another relationship while trying to figure ours out.

I'm damed if I do, and damed if I dont. IF she is being honest and I push too hard it can screw up any potential reconiliation. If she is being dishonest and cheating then I look like an idiot.

I may order a device I found that allows you to download deleted texts and other info from an iPhone.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I am going through a similar situation as you my friend. Keep your chin up. You're not alone.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> I'm damed if I do, and damed if I dont. IF she is being honest and I push too hard it can screw up any potential reconiliation. If she is being dishonest and cheating then I look like an idiot.


You got this wrong man. She earned the suspicion, every doubt you have, every suspicion - she put them there. She earned them and now has to pay the price until those thoughts are not there any more. If you push and she gets mad there never was any real reconciliation anyway. 

Only if she's genuinely remorseful, takes ownership of what she's done, and accepts accountability can you have true reconciliation. 

You're in a fix it or break it position. There is no middle ground unless you want to live in limbo the rest of your life. If the process of fixing it kills it, then you have your answer. Do not retreat from what she must do. Do not settle. Do not give her a free pass for her feelings. She did this - she must undo it.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

buddy, i totally can not understand that you don't want to destroy this guys career cause he has a 6 year old !!! just what in the sam hill heck do you think he is doing to your marriage !!! As someone else on here before has said " go find the jar where your wife has hid your balls" and expose him to work, your wifes family, preacher, don't give a crap who it is you tell...gotta go nuclear to "try" to end this...also peolpe unuslly feel save in their cars, strap a var under her seat...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Get up and start fighting for your marriage, as said before get th OM out of the picture then you may have a chance if not say goodbye to your wife. There is a lot of good I for in the following thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> Your current actions are only enabling her to continue her affair. The goal is to get the OM out of the picture by making the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent to continue.
> 
> It sound like she for sure has stepped out of the marriage and won't ever consider working on it as long as she has contact with OM.
> 
> Make no mistake, the weekend will involve the OM and I would consider this abandonment and would tell my wife to stay away for good if she desided to take this kind of step that will hurt this already fragile marriage.


I totally agree. In this case the separation is enabling the affair and killing the marriage.

1) Instigation

2) Isolation -- In this case isolation is the time she has spent with her boss speparate from her husband and the actual marriage separation. This allows the affair to move boldly forward. It helps to reduce the poaching males approach anxiety.

3) Escalation

We all could be better husbands. That said this right now is about her affair. The OM must be rid of. She needs to not be working for her current boss. That probably means changing jobs.

She cannot work on the marriage or her feelings for you while in the affair. The separation is a huge enabler. Do not be so accepting and letting another take your wife from you.

This stuff is chemical. We have to keep falling in love with our spouses. This is the I love You But Am Not In Love With You speech. She has feelings for another man. She is isolating you so she can carry her fantasy out with him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> I told her i dont want to be the old me, but an entirely new person. I do fear she is still talking to this guy. And the trip with the girlfriend is a lie.
> 
> *I honestly would hate to ruin the guys career*. And she has also asked me not to do that because he has a 6 year old to take care of.


This guy would have no problem banging your wife and stealing the person who should mean the most to you. Marriages are important. Jobs ... not so much. He is the predator. If he is her boss then that is using his position to seduce her.

Realize that these situations take decisive speedy action on the part of the BS. Usually when things get to this point they are way way further along than the BS can imagine. You should inform her HR department that there is something going on between your wife and her boss.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> Anyway she wants to try separation, but in home because we cant afford two seperate living places.


 A separation while staying in the same home is not a separation. What she really is saying is that she wants to date.

As and FYI, cheaters always blame shift. They always try to make the non-cheater take the blame. No one is perfect, yet the cheater holds you to a standard of perfection, that is designed to make you look bad. You know that the standard is fake when (like your wife) they admit that they never told you about the issue before. Stop saying you are sorry. Stop taking the blame. It only makes you look foolish because she knows that what she is blaming you for is a fake excuse to allow her to cheat.

As for the OM, he did not think about you or your children when he started working on your wife behind your back. Without telling your wife, expose him to his wife and then to his work. Although your wife will be angry at first, it must be done to begin to level the playing field. You may not win the fight, but the longer that you delay getting fully into the fight, the worse are your odds of winning.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

TRy said:


> A separation while staying in the same home is not a separation. What she really is saying is that she wants to date.
> 
> As and FYI, cheaters always blame shift. They always try to make the non-cheater take the blame. No one is perfect, yet the cheater holds you to a standard of perfection, that is designed to make you look bad. You know that the standard is fake when (like your wife) they admit that they never told you about the issue before. Stop saying you are sorry. Stop taking the blame. It only makes you look foolish because she knows that what she is blaming you for is a fake excuse to allow her to cheat.
> 
> As for the OM, he did not think about you or your children when he started working on your wife behind your back. Without telling your wife, expose him to his wife and then to his work. Although your wife will be angry at first, it must be done to begin to level the playing field. You may not win the fight, but the longer that you delay getting fully into the fight, the worse are your odds of winning.


I understand. Of course now she is backtracking saying she made more out of their contact. That she exaggerated it and she regrets letting him get involved in personal information.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> I understand. Of course now she is backtracking saying she made more out of their contact. That she exaggerated it and she regrets letting him get involved in personal information.


 Wow a cheater changing their story in an attempt to manipulate you. That never happens -- NOT!!! She is now protecting the OM. 

Call the other man's wife and tell her that your wife admitted to having an affair with her husband. Tell her you are giving her a heads up and that she needs to confirm this on her own as you only have your wife's statements and phone records.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> I understand. Of course now she is backtracking saying she made more out of their contact. That she exaggerated it and she regrets letting him get involved in personal information.


Dude I know some of the replies we give you here seem out of touch with the reality you are observing, but at the end of the day your wife admitted to having a "thing" with this guy or for this guy. That's an affair and needs to be exposed.

You need to protect yourself from getting crushed and trust me, wondering whether she cheated on you or not will consume you to the last cell until you get off your arse and make a move.

Crush her fantasy world or it will destroy your real world. Don't mess with this stuff.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

TRy said:


> Wow a cheater changing their story in an attempt to manipulate you. That never happens -- NOT!!! She is now protecting the OM.
> 
> Call the other man's wife and tell her that your wife admitted to having an affair with her husband. Tell her you are giving her a heads up and that she needs to confirm this on her own as you only have your wife's statements and phone records.


I wish the other guy had a spouse. Sadly he's divorced. TWICE, and he's knowingly going after a married woman. I asked her how the heck she could trust someone like this. I even used the word predator. And his first wife cheated on him.


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## HeartbrokeninGA (Feb 8, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Dude I know some of the replies we give you here seem out of touch with the reality you are observing, but at the end of the day your wife admitted to having a "thing" with this guy or for this guy. That's an affair and needs to be exposed.
> 
> You need to protect yourself from getting crushed and trust me, wondering whether she cheated on you or not will consume you to the last cell until you get off your arse and make a move.
> 
> Crush her fantasy world or it will destroy your real world. Don't mess with this stuff.


Its all sinking in. I am trying to figure all this out. I am trying to find out more.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

HeartbrokeninGA said:


> I wish the other guy had a spouse. Sadly he's divorced. TWICE, and he's knowingly going after a married woman. I asked her how the heck she could trust someone like this. I even used the word predator. And his first wife cheated on him.


 OK so report it to his work. A boss having an affair with a direct report is a big no no. The reason that she changed offices was so that they could later go public without it looking like he was cheating with her while she worked directly under him. The sooner that you file a complaint with the company, the closer to when she worked under him it will be.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Report it to hr at. Her work.

Exposé the affair to the daylight, and don't believe any of the lies she is telling you about not contact him etc. you are beng dumped so she can be with him.

You need to kill the affair before you can save your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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