# basically I need someone to listen



## Brian12

Hi,

My name is Brian and basically I need someone to listen. I genuinely don’t know what to do, so I thought I would write it down and post it somewhere where nobody knows me.

A month ago my wife had an accident and has ‘Classic’ Concussion, she remembers virtually nothing of the last 6/7 years. The Drs are saying it could take months for the memories to come back.

And here comes the dilemma. During that time she had an affair that I found about and we spent 9 months in counselling to work through it. 2 days before the fall I found that she had lied about the details of this affair and that she had been swapping texts / emails with another gentleman for over a year. I was seriously considering divorce, I was getting the paperwork ready.

Post-concussion, she is loving and don’t recognize the person she became. Its like the reset button has been pressed.

So I am currently living with the woman I fell in love with. But her memory will come back, all the baggage will come back, so it can’t last.

I cant even consider divorce at the moment, it will be like kicking a puppy. So I just cry most nights knowing one day it will all come back and I will be ripped in two.


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## EleGirl

It would be good to have a bit more info.

How long have you and she been married?

Do you have any children with her?

Did she have a job before her accident? If so, is she still working there?

Besides her memory loss, does she have any other serious injuries that still affect her? 

You would probably benefit from individual counseling to help you through this. It must be very confusing.


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## MattMatt

@Brian12, You are in a terrible situation and you have my sympathy.

Have you sought counselling for yourself to help you get through this?

Any religious figures (priests, vicars, pastors, etc) you could seek guidance from?

And it's possible that all of her memories might not come back.


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## Brian12

EleGirl said:


> It would be good to have a bit more info.
> 
> How long have you and she been married?
> 
> -- We have been married 35 years
> 
> 
> Do you have any children with her?
> 
> -- 3 Children, all adults. Only 1 lives at home, but as he is at Uni we only see him during breaks.
> 
> Did she have a job before her accident? If so, is she still working there?
> 
> -- Yes, She is a kindergarten teacher, they are currently on summer break. They are aware and are playing it by ear for now.
> 
> Besides her memory loss, does she have any other serious injuries that still affect her?
> 
> -- No other injuries. She does get headaches and has gone off Coffee.
> 
> You would probably benefit from individual counseling to help you through this. It must be very confusing.
> 
> -- That is what I am considering. One day theses memories are going to come back complete with the attached emotions and I just feel when that day happens it all falls apart.


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## rugswept

Please be a kind person and stay with her through all this. Act like there never was an A. 
She really needs you in ways she never did. Remember what you were to each other. 

Yes, she did bad things. She might have had feelings of emptiness and did bad things. 
Use this time to rebuild your M. 

I really don't think if you continue being kind and thoughtful that she'll go back to A mode. 
She may, if her memory recovers, acquire an incredible sense of guilt. 

We're sorry for both of you. For her accident. And for you and having to live with the A. 
Good luck.


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## sokillme

Very strange story. For the time being maybe you should see this act as your final act of duty to her. That WAS a part of your vows. It sucks but in life there are many times we have to do what is necessary. 

Does she know and acknowledge that there was an affair even if she doesn't remember it? What does she say about that? Do you know who her AP is? Has he tried to be around, assuming he has some feeling for her and now she sick?

What is her prognosis? Did they do cat scans and such?

Does she know you were planning on divorcing? 

Look no one is saying, (or at least I am not saying) you shouldn't divorce but if it were me I would hold off until the doctors say she is capable of taking care of herself again or at least to the point where you don't need to be around her to help her survive. Use this time to prepare for that, maybe this is the last hurrah so to say. Or maybe this will genuinely change her for the better, sickness can have a profound effect on people and sometimes for the better. 

Hang in there.


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## EleGirl

Brian12 said:


> That is what I am considering. One day theses memories are going to come back complete with the attached emotions and I just feel when that day happens it all falls apart.


It's possible that as her memory returns, she does not go back to the person she was at the time of the accident. She might change in a good way. 

Shoot, she might never remember.

Would you consider staying with her in the long term if when her memory returns she is more like the person she is now? I'm asking because a lot of couples are able to recover from infidelity and go on to have a good relationship. About 85% of couples do.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

EleGirl said:


> It's possible that as her memory returns, she does not go back to the person she was at the time of the accident. She might change in a good way.
> 
> Shoot, she might never remember.
> 
> Would you consider staying with her in the long term if when her memory returns she is more like the person she is now? I'm asking because a lot of couples are able to recover from infidelity and go on to have a good relationship. About 85% of couples do.


This is sound advice. I reconciled with my FWW after she carried on with POSOM for nine months. My marriage is pretty damn solid now. As I have told other posters the question you must ask yourself is this..."Would my life be better or worse without my wife?" I gather from you posting you still love your wife even though she hurt you worse than anything you have ever experienced. Do not do anything rash, but take your time. See how she acts when her memory returns.At that point you should ask about the affair. How she felt about POSOM, and what she wants to do regarding your marriage. Right now she needs to heal.


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## Marc878

I wouldn't hope for a miracle here. 2 affairs signals serial cheater. You probably only know the "tip of the iceberg". 

I'd help her out but get my ducks lined up and dig to see just how far the rabbit hole goes.

Just because she had an accident that changes what exactly?


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## Marc878

If you're looking for a fairy tale ending buy a book or a movie. Don't bank on her magically changing.


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## StarFires

Before the accident, were you planning to leave/divorce her because of the affair?
Was she planning to leave/divorce you?
Had you and she decided on anything regarding your marriage?


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## Tilted 1

NO FREE PASSES!!!, None as sokillme has stated this is your (possibly for the last time) duty to honor your vows. Even Holy scripture states adultery this offense allow the release of the betrayer. Question do you still have the info from her lying and twisted time? Or now maybe you can access her phone and check it out for all of her delete text. 

If you choose to stay install tracking and keylogger crap, so you can then become the marriage warden. Lucky you. It amazes me how some of the betrayers believes it after a certain time passes it will be forgotten. I am not saying your wife has asked for this, but maybe she has. 

How do you feel about her and your marriage? The take away l get is about the same as my post. If that lost time if anything proves to come up in conversation. She's lying and remembers and just acting like she doesn't remember take a video of her back in her class if she remembers any of her past students, she snowing you. If she fails the test and don't say gotcha. Get a large amount then confront.

How are your mind movies, doing they must still be playing pretty intense. I am sure everyone in your world says pity, have pity. Nay not l but l am a red pill type. Take it head on!! and once you do you will be able to live with yourself, even though it may be the greatest challenge up to this point of your life.

It is also not just the POSOM but the lying stinking cheat of a wife, that you once believed would never ever hurt and wound you this way. 

So here l am, the other type of person here and knowing and asking just what could she do to make it up to you. Me not a [email protected] thing she could ever do to right the wrong she did . Nothing, but here's the question again, "What do you think?" If you are able to shed some light as what your thinking you may get the strength from fellow posters. And if it is opposite of my thinking so be it. But if not l am glad you know that l am here, and that there are others who may think the same as me. Let us help you.

Tilted


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## jlg07

Did YOU expose her to your family/her family, friends, etc. once you found out about her cheating those two times (and it probably is MORE than that).
Do any of HER friends or co-workers know about her affairs?

Do her Doctors know about this -- they may be able to guide you about medical issues and things to be careful of speaking with her about.

You have the paperwork ready and on-hold. Until the medical issues clarify or resolve themselves, you are stuck in a really crappy holding pattern and you are being teased by the fact that she is acting like your wife of old -- pre-affairs.
VERY sorry for you that you are going through this crap -- you sound like a stand-up guy. Time will tell ...


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## cp3o

Brian12 said:


> Hi,
> 
> My name is Brian and basically I need someone to listen. I genuinely don’t know what to do, so I thought I would write it down and post it somewhere where nobody knows me.
> 
> A month ago my wife had an accident and has ‘Classic’ Concussion, she remembers virtually nothing of the last 6/7 years. The Drs are saying it could take months for the memories to come back.
> 
> And here comes the dilemma. During that time she had an affair that I found about and we spent 9 months in counselling to work through it. 2 days before the fall I found that she had lied about the details of this affair and that she had been swapping texts / emails with another gentleman for over a year. I was seriously considering divorce, I was getting the paperwork ready.
> 
> Post-concussion, she is loving and don’t recognize the person she became. Its like the reset button has been pressed.
> 
> So I am currently living with the woman I fell in love with. *But her memory will come back,* all the baggage will come back, so it can’t last.
> 
> I cant even consider divorce at the moment, it will be like kicking a puppy. So I just cry most nights knowing one day it will all come back and I will be ripped in two.


Hi Brian - Is this what you have been told by her doctors? Or is it what you expect/fear?

And I'm not sure it makes a lot of difference either way and both ways it is an awful situation for you to be in.

If she doesn't get her memory back all that has happened is that you are married to a double cheat who you know is just as likely to cheat (again) as she was before she did so. In other words you have a reasonable expectation that, whether she remembers or not, she will cheat; be it, in her mind, the third time or the first.

Do the doctors anticipate that she will be able to return to work? Would that mean that she will return to the environment in which the cheating occurred?

Assuming that D is an option the fact that you have been in counselling provides, I assume, irrefutable evidence that she had been unfaithful. So whether she remembers or not she cannot claim that you are making things up to provide an excuse to dump her can she?

I understand that you feel unable to proceed with Divorce at present - how would you feel about setting a time-limit - taking doctors expectations, your age etc. into account. 

I assume you are in your 50s - not too old, should you want to, to find love in a different relationship. (I was just under 50 and am twenty years into a far, far better relationship). But old enough not to want to take too long before you feel morally free to pursue the happiness your adulterous wife refused you.

Having a moral code is not always convenient - I applaud you for trying to be the decent person you appear to be - but don't allow your sense of responsibility to your W to over-ride your responsibility to yourself. Ultimately, if you are to be the best person you can be, for your kids (and yes - for your W) you have to be content with the only person you spend your life with 24/7/365. You will not be that best possible dad (grandad) if you are stuck in an emotionally negative situation.


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## Marduk

Hmm.

You are well and truly on the horns of a dilemma. The question at hand is, will she return to the person you thought she was when you married her?

And that answer is likely no, my friend. This wasn’t a one time thing. She may never remember, and she may remember everything tomorrow. 

But aside from her ability to recall cheating on you or why, nothing else structurally has changed for both of you. Except that you now feel stuck, because she needs you. And it’s even more complicated, because right now she’s acting like the woman you thought you married.

I cannot advise you. I mean, who could? I can only tell you what I think I would do.

I would sit her down, explain what has been happening, and why it’s been happening, and that even though she doesn’t remember doing it, she’s already blown her second chance with you. And she may remember that eventually, or she may not.

But I don’t think it changes the fact that she’s already stepped out multiple times in this marriage. I think I’d be supporting her, but only as a friend from this moment on. 

I don't think I could sit there - as you are - waiting for the other shoe to drop. After multiple betrayals.


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## Tilted 1

Again character, is what we are talking about, l am just feeling you Brian. A place l wouldn't want anyone to be. Sorry man.


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## jlg07

I'm worried that she may use this as an excuse for a clean-slate and say she NEVER remembered cheating (even if she does).


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## maquiscat

Don't borrow trouble before its time. Stay the course and bide your time. Enjoy what you have now.

As to the claims of once a cheater, I have typically seen only two basic reasons (boiled down) why people cheat. First, poly people who don't realize that they are like that, and never really learn the ethics behind poly/open. The other is people who feel they have lost their connection with their current partner. And to be fair, yes there are people who cheat just because they are arses. 

If your wife was one of the lost connections types, then, assuming no memory restore, she might not cheat again, because you don't set the same conditions that had her looking in the first place. And this isn't trying to make you look like the bad guy or anything. It just happens if we get too caught up in our other activities. Even if she does regain her memories, it doesn't means she loses what happens during this period. That too, you staying with her and helping her through all this,ncould convince her not stray again.

Hope it all works out for you.

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## aine

Sorry you are here.
You now have time to really think about what YOU want.
How old are both of you?
If and when her memory comes back, she needs to suffer consequences. You can tell her you have the papers ready and you are indifferent as to whether you go or stay but if she doesn't do the work to make you feel safe you have no qualms about walking out and telling everyone what she did, including the children. Sometimes you have to be prepared to lose the marriage to save it, (if that is what you want).
Do you know the OM? Could you find out from his BS what the full details are?
It is not impossible to save the marriage, but what is it YOU want, YOU are a person, leaving aside duty, etc.


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