# Flip-flop wife - long post (or short novel?)



## molior24 (Jan 27, 2011)

This is my first post on a site like this. I apologize for the incredible length and depth of information but I’m also writing for my own benefit, I guess. I decided to break it up into multiple posts for easier consumption.

Part One - The Beginning

First, some back information. My wife is Japanese and we met online about six years ago now. We had a long distance relationship, meeting each other on occasion and sometimes spending several months together. After a year and half or so of this, we decided to get married and went through the process for a fiancé visa. She came to the US and we got married. I was 22 and she was 21 when we got married.

Fast forward three and half years, our son is born. My wife has not been very happy living in the US and was especially not happy to give birth here. I want to go to Japan too but I am one of the owners and a key manager at a small company and feel like that it would be financially irresponsible and irresponsible toward the company to leave. She usually feels the same way but still dislikes living here. I take a couple months off work to help out at home with the new born but I never really am able to go back to work full time.

Fast forward another 12 months, our relationship is under a great deal of strain. My wife is not content to be a stay at home mother (though she did not work before giving birth). We no longer seem to have time (or make time) for the activities that kept our relationship close like taking walks together and watching movies in the evening. Arguments happen often and in cases for small infractions like me getting home 10 minutes late and going to see my parents who live nearby. 

On one night in late December 2009 she finally seems to crack, she says that she wants a divorce. This has come up before but more to push my buttons. This time she is dead serious. After that, she becomes very cold towards me and it is like living with a roommate in the house. 

The next few weeks I am reeling, not sure what to do. When I think about the future I am going to lose with my son and wife I feel physically sick. Fortunately, my wife says that she won’t leave until May (because a direct flight isn’t available until then). I realize that my family was the whole reason I was working and I decide I will move to Japan and find work in any capacity just to be closer to my son. After explaining this to my wife she is furious and doesn’t want me anywhere in Japan. She wants me to stay in the US and she will send our son to me in the future to go to school for a while. I wanted more than just to see my son for “a while.” I want to be part of his growing up.


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## molior24 (Jan 27, 2011)

Part Two - Reconciliation?

After a couple weeks pass, my wife seems to have a change of heart and starts talking about living together in Japan. This is opportunity I am hoping for as it may be a way to restart our relationship. Previous trips to Japan have been revitalizing to my wife and I think this will be no different. We begin making plans to move to Japan. My wife and son will leave in May (I will go with them but come back) and I will tidy things up with our condo and at work and leave in August. 

Our relationship seems to be getting better until May rolls around. Suddenly, my wife turns ugly again and starts talking about divorce every day. She says that we will live together for only a short while then get a divorce in Japan. I’m not sure what to think but just hold on to the hope that after we get to Japan she will cool off. We leave for Japan a couple weeks later and it is immediately easier again. We stay with her parents and are busy looking for an apartment and arranging my Japanese visa. Two weeks later, it is time for me to go back to the US and I’m feeling pretty good again, hopeful for our relationship and the future as I had heard nothing about divorce while there. 

We email regularly. My wife has never been one to Skype or call regularly so I don’t expect it. She is busy getting things ready at the apartment in Japan while I sell off our furniture, box and crate up the items I will send to Japan, and prepare the condo for rent. A couple weeks roll by and I want to see our son via Skype. The year previous while she was in Japan, we used Skype to video chat a couple times so I figured no problem. 

However, she says she doesn’t want to be bothered. I leave it alone for another couple weeks but press it again. I call her this time and ask to see our son. She gives me an excuse that she doesn’t know how to use Skype and only knows MSN Messenger and that right now isn’t a good time. So, I ask her to promise me we will do it and I’ll set up MSN on my computer. At this point, I’m pretty agitated but figure she made a promise and will stick to it. 

Another couple busy weeks roll by and I email her again about video chatting. I get no response to the question. I call her the next day and ask if we can chat. She is irritated by the call and says that our son is busy playing and she doesn’t want to disturb him. At this point I am quite upset; it has been 7 weeks since I’ve seen my son and she doesn’t seem to care. I remind her of her promise and ask for a time she can do it that day. She gives me a time that is in the middle of the night for me but I don’t care. The day slowly rolls by as I wait and then I get an email from my wife. She says that she won’t be able to chat –she is going to go shopping for an item for the apartment. She also says that she wants a divorce and she doesn’t need our son. The divorce item is not much of a surprise but the second line comes as a massive shock. I try to reassure her about us living in Japan together in an email. Her next email is only about the item she bought so I am a little relieved thinking she was just trying to push my buttons again. 

Then, I get another email that says again she doesn’t need our son and she wants a divorce. She talks about living together for a couple years (while divorced) then I go back to the US with our son. I am now beyond angry and upset. I call her at the next opportunity which wasn’t until the next evening her time. The wait is excruciating. When I get her on the phone, I am a little surprised she takes the call but I ask her what is going on and is she happy. She says that she is happy and enjoying her new job but that our son is too much work and that he is always upset and yelling at him. After a few minutes of arguing I tell that I will come pick him up. She doesn’t resist. So, I say I will be there on Saturday (three days away at the time). After hanging up I call the airlines, change the ticket I had set for August, and get a ticket for my son.


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## molior24 (Jan 27, 2011)

Part Three - Japan

I prepare myself for what is to come. I don’t know how my wife’s parents will act. She has been staying with them until the apartment is ready. I’m not sure where I will be staying yet as I usually stay at her parents’ house as well. The day comes and I get on the plane. Upon arriving in Japan I call my wife’s house to let them know I have arrived. Her father answers and he is both happy and sad to hear my voice. I tell him the time I’ll be at the station near their house. When I get to the station, her mother and brother are there to pick me up. The mother apologizes to me for her daughter actions. I now know they feel the same way I do. It is a very somber ride back to the house. Everyone is home when I get there.

The relief to see my son is incredible. He seems to remember me and is happy to see me. Being only a year and a half old I was worried that you wouldn’t like to be near me. It is such a rush to be back with him. However, I’m brought back to reality when we all sit down for dinner. My wife’s parents try to feel out the situation. Her father was first told of the situation that day. Her mother had known about the desire for divorce but not the desire to be free of her son. Everyone is outright upset at my wife, asking why and not being nice about it, but my wife stands firm with her decisions and says that she wants and needs to be free. At some points I actually felt sorry for my wife because of the harsh treatment but then she would blame me for all of her misery over that last four years of our marriage. The dinner ends with nothing resolved and I stay in a downstairs room, my son sleeping with me – my wife is upstairs in a room by herself. 

My original tickets were to leave on Monday but my wife’s parents want me to stay longer to try and resolve things. I agree as I also want the same thing. I am thinking now that my wife just needs a little time to clear her head and realize how important my son and I are to her. On the following Monday my wife, our son, and I go to see her aunt and grandma. The aunt interrogates my wife but to no avail. My wife doesn’t flinch except when she says how miserable she was in America. On the way back, my wife starts talking to me about her work and how she has a crush on someone there. My head begins to reel. I make simple conversation but just desire to get out of there. She is talking to me like a simple friend but she is still my wife and supposed lifelong companion. 

Over the next few days, I talk a lot with my wife’s father. My wife works during the day and so I only see her at nights. Her father and I make a tentative plan. I will leave on Saturday with my son and come back to Japan sometime in September to try and resolve the relationship issues between me and my wife. I want to go to a marriage counselor for both of us and I want my wife to see a counselor by herself as well. My wife’s other aunt is schizophrenic so her parents (and I) worry that she may also have something that should be treated. 

A couple days before I am to leave, my wife comes home and says that she has decided to raise our son. The relief from her parents is palpable. I, however, am very wary and uneasy about the sudden change. I wonder what will happen with my son, and if my trip to Japan will be all for naught. The day before my departure, the plan is told to my wife. She doesn’t seem upset with me taking our son. However, when her father gets to the part about seeing a counselor she gets very angry. She says she has no desire to stay together or go see a counselor. She stares me right in the face and tells me that seeing a counselor will change nothing. 

That night, the only thing I could console myself with was my departure the following day. I wanted to be out of that environment as soon as possible. I was exhausted mentally and physically. Japanese is not my native tongue and so that had not helped the situation over the week. The next morning I got up and my wife went with my son and me to see us leave from the train station. She did not seem upset (like was) from the previous night.

After arriving back in the states, the weight of what happened falls on me. However, I have my son now and so I am not down long. Before I left for Japan, I had moved in with my parents while I tried to rent my condo. I am now quite glad to be there and have their support and help.


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## molior24 (Jan 27, 2011)

Part Four - Just me and my son

Days and weeks start to pass. I put my son in daycare and continue to work at my company. My wife and I are emailing on a semi-regular basis, about once every week or less. After a couple weeks we have a video chat. I ask her what is going to happen between us and she staunchly says we are going to get a divorce. This is the theme of almost all communication with her over the next couple months. My desire and hopes of returning to Japan and rebuilding our relationship begin to fade away. 

September comes and if I don’t leave by the end, my visa will expire and I will have to get a new one. I know that in the state my wife is, she would not go through the effort to get me a visa again. Not sure what to do about that situation, my company also begins to have issues and sales begin to fall. The plan had been for me to work remotely from Japan on various projects and possibly promote a new market but now that wouldn’t be possible. On top of that, I began researching divorce and how child custody would be handled. I came across the most influential bit of information there.

Divorce between any international couple is not an easy matter. When a child is involved it gets worse. There is a treaty in place to handle such issues. It is called the Hague Convention. I find out that Japan has signed the convention but no for child custody. What this means is that if my wife has our son, I have no legal recourse to get him back or even be allowed to see him. In Japan, a divorce between two Japanese nationals that have children results in either on parent becoming the sole guardian or if there is more than one then the children can be split up. There is no such thing as joint custody. In terms of the law, one parent may cease to be a parent. I found several stories of people losing their child(ren) to their spouses (usually the wife is the one taking them) who move back to Japan and won’t let their partner see their children. 

After learning all this, I know the path I must take. If my wife does not want to reconcile then I will not go back to Japan. By default, I will have custody of our son. It tears me up inside to do this as I know that my wife loves our son. Her emails ask me when I’m bringing him to Japan. I know that her parents will miss their grandchild desperately and I had made a promise to them when I left to come back. However, I feel like I have no choice. I don’t want to lose my son to someone that won’t even make the effort to show him on Skype. 

I tell my wife I can’t leave because the company is faltering. During a Skype call, I tell her that I will be the one to raise our son and I try to explain the Hague convention to her but she doesn’t understand – we are too heated to really hear each other. September comes and goes and my visa expires. I begin the divorce process in the US. At that point, I close the joint account we have in the US. Up until then, my wife was withdrawing money to help pay the apartment we were supposed to live in. This upsets her and I explain that we are getting a divorce and she no longer has access to my money. I can use the Hague convention to settle the divorce and then by default get custody. The divorce process is slow going. After getting all the documentation together it is translated to Japanese. It isn’t until the end of November that we can finally send the documents to Japan. My lawyer explains to me, after just finding it out, that it will take approximately four months to serve the papers to my wife. I am shocked at the amount of time it will take but I feel relief that the process is finally this far along. Now it is just a waiting game.


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## molior24 (Jan 27, 2011)

Part Five - The Present

My company continues to not sell enough and in addition there are internal bickering issues. My regular position is no longer applicable. I decide that instead of repositioning in the company and battling with the other owners that I will just move on and truly start over. I pick a new city to move to that has a fair number of jobs in my field and plan on moving after the New Year. During the month December, I meet with friends and the family to say my farewells and thank them for their support. I truly would have been lost without some of my friends. My wife is still emailing about taking our son to her. At one point she says she is coming to get him but wants me to pay for her to do that. I tell her that I’ll pay for her to come see him once, but she can’t take him. She is always reminding me of how cruel I am to her and her family.

The New Year comes and I load up the U-Haul with the few items I still own. Selling of all the furniture last year made the loading easy and a one man job. My father accompanied me on the trip to ensure a safe travel and drive the truck as I drove the car. My new temporary home is my brother’s house. My son, now two years old, enjoys playing with my brother's two children, a 4 and 3 year old. I feel the excitement of starting over in a new place. Up until now, I have not “lived” outside of my birth city. I have stayed in other places for a few months but never lived. I begin to look for my new job.

Then the unthinkable happens, my wife emails me and apologizes for what she did to me. Her previous email from just a few days before was condemning me for everything I was doing to her and her family. I am not sure what to do now. I am prepared to handle an angry, hateful wife not an apologetic one. Now, she wants to talk and be friendlier. However, she won’t leave Japan. She wants me to go there. She doesn’t want to leave her job, her friends, or family. 

So, now the tables have turned in a way. I do not trust that she won’t turn on me again. Half of me wants to get as far away from her as possible but the other half feels sorry for her and even thinks that things could be repaired. I’m already finding some job opportunities where I am and while living in Japan was a dream of mine, the risks (like losing my son to my wife and having no legal recourse) seem too high. 

I don’t know if she has been faithful to me and have not asked. I have not tried or want to see other women. She still blames me for all the previous unhappiness and I’m almost sure she really doesn’t want me, she just sees the only way to get our son is to befriend me once more. I’m still undecided about what to do and have been searching in myself for the answer.

Thank you for making it to the end. Please, post any comments or questions.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Sounds like her gravy train ran dry.
I wouldn't give her the time of day. She abandoned you and her son because she didn't want either of you.
If you take her back, you are setting yourself up for a repeat of the same.
Except for the grandparents, I'd ignore her.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

So she started to love you more when the money supply was cut off?

Shouldn't she be paying you child support?


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

You are young, mature, and responsible. You have a full life ahead of you and you have so much to offer a woman. You are a great father and a great potential husband. 

You wife is not appreciate, selfish, and uncaring. She seems extremely manipulative.

Obviously, I don't know ALL the details, and I'm sure there are some things that have been left out. However, from what you wrote, it is my opinion that you should run and never look back (easier said than done, I know). She has made it perfectly clear on numberous occassions that she doesn't want anything to do with you or your child. Not having anything to do with you is one thing...but your child?? That is something that can't be forgiven. 

You can divorce your spouse, but not your kids. She blew it. You gave her every opportunity in the world to rectify the situation and she never accepted the terms. Now she wants to manipulate you into seeing it her way, on her terms. That's just not the way things work.

Do what is best for your life and for your son's life. I know it will be tough, but from the outside looking in, moving on seems to be the best thing to do here. Don't let her manipulate you any longer. Don't let her steal your life away again.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Did she think about what would become of her life in Japan? She is now a pariah in Japanese society: she was married to a foreigner, had children with him, was "contaminated" by living out of the safe confines of Japanese society, and willfully gave up her child-all unforgivable sins in the eyes of the Japanese. I think she woke up and realized that she will have a hard road ahead of her in Japan, as she is now what they call "eta"-untouchable.


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## molior24 (Jan 27, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your responses. Your replies echo the advice of my friends and family. When I think about starting over, I feel much more calm and relaxed. The confusion is gone for the time being and I know the best course.

Now, if I can just keep from talking to her very often until she is served then all will stay less muddled.

I will post on how things are progressing.

Thanks again.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

That and if you fall for her ploy, you will lose your son once and for all. The only reason she has changed her tune is because she has no other card to play, that and she probaby has all of japan against her.


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