# my story



## Konacoffe78 (Nov 30, 2020)

I have been married for 15 years, and we have 3 kids. Why I'm here? My husband will not talk to me about relationship issues. I mean he just won't. If I try to force a conversation, he will literally sit in silence for hours. If I ask him why he is doing that, he says it takes him a long time to think about things, and he has nothing to say. If I say then lets talk about it tomorrow, the same thing just happens again. This has been going on for years. 

I am so frustrated because our marriage is totally fixable, but without communication it is not going to be fixed. He is friendly and pleasant when we only do small talk. He is a good father. He is steady and dependable, no addictions, and is an all around decent human being.

But...

We don't have sex, and he won't really talk about it. He seems to have ED, but he will not talk about any other ways to add intimacy to our relationship. I am supportive and willing to be flexible, and have stated that. It took about 2 years for me to figure out he had ED, the entire time driving myself crazy thinking that he thinks I'm hideous, or he is cheating. 

He spends almost all of his time on his computer in a corner, working and listening to music. It is a work computer, so I know he isn't watching porn. We basically never hang out outside of "family time". After the kids are in bed, we each go to separate rooms and live our own lives. I am super lonely. We never talk about anything real. I have literally tried everything I can think of to get him to talk, so we can work out some issues. I want to stay married, but I am starting to consider divorce. Honestly, most of why I don't want a divorce is that our kids are awesome, and I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into their lives. My parents divorced when I was 8, and it was awful. It threw us into poverty, and I basically never saw my dad again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Konacoffe78 is he depressed? 

Would he consider counselling, therapy individually and as a couple?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You two need to go to a marriage counselor. If he won't go, go by yourself. If you don't set boundaries and teach him how to treat you, you will have to live with the current situation for the rest of your married life. I learned it here: Refusing to have sex with your spouse (assuming you are physically able to do so) is equivalent to having an affair. It's a breach of your marriage vows.



Konacoffe78 said:


> It threw us into poverty, and I basically never saw my dad again.


That's on your dad. I'm sorry that happened to you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Konacoffe78 said:


> I don't want a divorce is that our kids are awesome, and I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into their lives.


Good for you !!!! I can't add any suggestions other than MC, but I wanted to encourage you to stay the course. Your reward will come in the lives of your husband, and your children.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

I feel for you. You have basically described my situation, except that the sexes are reversed. You are looking for more, but the other person is not. Married, but lonely. It looks like you have tried to ask and find out what the problem is, but are not hearing anything back from your husband. If there is no breakthrough (which everyone here would cheer for), your only options are either to separate or to meet other people that can fill that part of your life, right?


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## Konacoffe78 (Nov 30, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Konacoffe78 is he depressed?
> 
> Would he consider counselling, therapy individually and as a couple?


I don't know. I have asked him if he feels depressed, and have suggested to him that he might be, but every time he says that he is not.

He will not do therapy, he thinks it is pointless. 

He seems to be basically happy with how things are, and doesn't feel like anything needs to change. In his family, they never talk about problems. His parents will write off whole relationships rather than have a single argument. When we first got together, he said he couldn't stand that about them, but it seems like he has not been able to escape that mindset. It feels like he would rather have no sex life and no emotional intimacy as long as it also means no conflict.


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## Konacoffe78 (Nov 30, 2020)

dedad said:


> I feel for you. You have basically described my situation, except that the sexes are reversed. You are looking for more, but the other person is not. Married, but lonely. It looks like you have tried to ask and find out what the problem is, but are not hearing anything back from your husband. If there is no breakthrough (which everyone here would cheer for), your only options are either to separate or to meet other people that can fill that part of your life, right?


Thanks. I'm sorry that you are in the same boat, but it's also nice to have people to talk to about it who understand. I don't really talk to anyone in my life or family about it, because they know him too, and I don't want it to seem like I am putting him down, or putting them in the middle. It is so isolating to have no one to talk to about it.

I have had the thought that I need to work on developing friendships that fill at least some of the emotional void. I am so busy with kids/house/work that I haven't made much time for socializing on my own. I have considered trying to build up my own life so that it is so awsome and fun that I barely notice the lacking relationship, but I'm not sure when I would find the time to do that! I would rather just have a nice relationship at home...


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

You basically fill the void with kids/house/work 😆. You are on the right track. At some point, in your 40s, it feels like a lost life, but this is a sacrifice you are making for sake of the kids.

PS: Love kona coffee, but can't find any good beans worth buying. They are always blended with cheap beans.


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