# He Must Think I'm Stupid



## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

We've been together for over 30 years. We moved to a beach town 2 years ago. Bars are everywhere. My husband goes out to get food, gone 2 hours. Goes out to drink after I go to bed, 11 pm on a Tuesday. Lies about where he's been, doesn't work unless he has to (we own a company), and drinks 3 or 4 bottles a week. He's been acting pretty strange the last 4 or 5 months. So being the stealth I am I checked his phone. Appears he's been texting a bartender in one of the local bars. He asks if she's working and then he goes. I confronted him last week and he swears there is no sex involved. Ok right, but my problem is I can't trust him to go out the door now. Am I suppose to worry that every time he goes to pick up food, he's stopping by the bar? This feels very personal to me but am I wrong?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Contact the bartender. You are not wrong.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

You are absolutely right in your suspicions. That is not good. Have a real talk with your H.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Follow him the next time and go in and introduce yourself to her. Standing right next to him. Then calmly tell him he can either stop doing this or find a new place to live.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Ha! That would be too funny but I would never do this as I don't know when he's leaving the house, as I'm asleep. And playing games at 57 isn't fun anymore. I just want a peaceful calm existence. With or without a husband. But disrespect, lying and making a fool of me, isn't on the menu.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Start here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

gardenwise said:


> Ha! That would be too funny but I would never do this as I don't know when he's leaving the house, as I'm asleep. And playing games at 57 isn't fun anymore. I just want a peaceful calm existence. With or without a husband. But disrespect, lying and making a fool of me, isn't on the menu.




Actually I like this idea, he would understand your stance pretty quickly. But your husband is not making a fool of you, he is making a fool of himself. His choice is of no reflection on you. Sorry you are here and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

meh, I look at it like if you were having someone vandalize your front porch. So you decide to END it once and for all.

Will it require you turning the lights out and pretending to go to sleep, only to sit by the window in the dark for 2 or 3 nights, to catch the vandal in the act?

Yes. But you will have ENDED the harassment.

So what if you have to set up some system to awaken you if he leaves the house so you can follow him? Isn't it worth a night or two of being woken up to be able to finally put this to rest?

Of course, you COULD just tell him that the next time you catch him leaving at night to see his little bartender, he'll find the locks changed and a divorce petition waiting.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

I must of not been clear. I saw the verizon bill and saw the text messages back and forth. I flat out asked who's is this that you are texting at midnight. He told me it was a bartender at one of the local bars. Don't know which bar. He told me he was leaving at night and going drinking. There were also messages at 2 in the afternoon.

This was 5 days ago and I just keep getting more wound up. I've always lived by the motto once a cheat, always a cheat. He's 57 years old and she's a ex Hooters girl. How amusing is that? I don't know if sex is involved and at this point who cares. Why is a 57 year old married man texting a bartender? 

One reason only. And it's not asking for free drinks.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

gardenwise said:


> I must of not been clear. I saw the verizon bill and saw the text messages back and forth. I flat out asked who's is this that you are texting at midnight. He told me it was a bartender at one of the local bars. Don't know which bar. He told me he was leaving at night and going drinking. There were also messages at 2 in the afternoon.
> 
> This was 5 days ago and I just keep getting more wound up. I've always lived by the motto once a cheat, always a cheat. He's 57 years old and she's a ex Hooters girl. How amusing is that? I don't know if sex is involved and at this point who cares. Why is a 57 year old married man texting a bartender?
> 
> One reason only. And it's not asking for free drinks.



You are right he isn't looking for free drinks. It is time to put a stop to it. He is an adult and can do as he pleases, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. 

Since you can't track his every move and don't sound interested in being a prison warden instead of a wife, it sounds like you should consult an attorney.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

gw, who cares why or how he is doing this?

There is only one thing to discuss here: are you going to accept it or are you going to stop it?


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Well that's a different subject but I have spoken to an attorney. $5K retainer, projected cost is $45K. H will not make it easy as we own a successful small company. If I buy the company from him he will sue me for alimony. We live in CA and it is what it is. But this bartender mess just makes it impossible for me.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

gardenwise said:


> Well that's a different subject but I have spoken to an attorney. $5K retainer, projected cost is $45K. H will not make it easy as we own a successful small company. If I buy the company from him he will sue me for alimony. We live in CA and it is what it is. But this bartender mess just makes it impossible for me.


Is your income from the company that much greater than his?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you don't mind my asking, why did it take 4-5 months for you to become suspicious? That seems a long time for red flag behavior.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Our income is the same but I don't want to sell the company, leaves 2 options. Me buying from him or having it sold in court. If I give him $1M for the company, (let's just say) as I would be the higher earner because I would have a job, he would get alimony. That was startling news. 

I took me so long to look for any evidence because I just don't look for things like that. The verizon report I just by chance looked at it. I'm a busy person and I don't look at all the bills, I have employees that do.

I had no idea he was going out after I go to sleep. I'm talking midnight to 1 am. I take an ambien at 11 and sleep like a rock for 5 hours. I run a company that requires a lot of hours, lots of stress.

Stupid of me, I know but I don't want to live like that, always looking. It stresses me out and I don't need that. 

I just have to work out the details of how much I'm willing to give up and I'm out of here.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If you both work for the company you jointly own why buy him out? He would remain employed and alimony wouldn't factor in. Also alimony would in part be based on his earning capicity and you aren't taking that away, it is also reduced in most cases when he is eligible for retirement benefits.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

I can't imagine a bigger hell than working with your ex.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

gardenwise said:


> I can't imagine a bigger hell than working with your ex.


We can. Try having to work with your ex *and* his adultery partner as well. There are a couple of those around here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

gardenwise said:


> Our income is the same but I don't want to sell the company, leaves 2 options. Me buying from him or having it sold in court.


Nonsense. Just move out, tell your lawyer to ensure that you continue to earn money from the company, hire someone to replace you, and live on the rest. Who cares if you ever divorce? Just get free of him.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> ... I just want a peaceful calm existence. With or without a husband. But disrespect, lying and making a fool of me, isn't on the menu.


I don't think this has been discussed yet, but could he be out looking for something that's no longer available at home?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

gardenwise said:


> Ha! That would be too funny but I would never do this as I don't know when he's leaving the house, as I'm asleep. And playing games at 57 isn't fun anymore. I just want a peaceful calm existence. With or without a husband. But disrespect, lying and making a fool of me, isn't on the menu.


It seems like all you want to really know is he banging this bartender or not. It's not playing a game to find that out, it's playing games to not break up after.

So stop making excuses and find out. Wake yourself up every few hours and see if he's gone. If he is, go for a drive yourself and find him. Doesn't sound like there are many bars and it's obviously one nearby, you know what he's driving, so find him and go into the bar and see what he's doing. Within a few days you'll know if he's just pouring his heart out to the bartender as a quasi therapist or if he's trying to (or is) getting into her pants.

Don't rule out the possibility she's playing him. Bartenders earn a lot in tips and maybe she's leading him on and he's paying out for the attention.

Either way do some snooping and find out if he's cheating. If he is, set the wheels in motion on what you plan to do after. Stop making excuses for not finding out and just go do it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Even If he is NOT cheating on you, his behaviour is not acceptable.

He needs to be sorted out before he kills your business and your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Thank you for all the posts. Let me answer a question, is he looking for something not available at home. Maybe and I'm not making excuses but I could be doing the same thing and I've have a greater reason to do it. I am in great shape, look much younger, enjoy companionship, love to go out movies, clubs, concerts, whatever, just let's go. H drinks from the time he comes home, and that's sometimes 2 in the afternoon. Sex has not been great for quite a while, when you are drunk, sex is not great. At least not when you're 58. Do I withhold sex? Yes, sometimes, because it sucks. 

Finding this bartender is not an easy task. There are 48 bars within a 3 block radius of where i live. He walks there. Cheating really is not the issue. Him doing it at all is the issue. But now when we have the slightest argument he will say all I have to do is walk up the street to get laid. Sometimes I wish he just would go do it so the bond could be broken.

And MattMatt has hit the nail on the head. His behavior has almost put the lid on our marriage and by not being fully committed to the business he has let our family down by putting all the stress on me.

It's a tough decision that will effect my family for the rest of our lives. Selling the business is the best option but to let your baby go because your H is a douche, just pisses me off to no end.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> Finding this bartender is not an easy task. There are 48 bars within a 3 block radius of where i live. He walks there. Cheating really is not the issue. Him doing it at all is the issue. But now when we have the slightest argument he will say all I have to do is walk up the street to get laid. Sometimes I wish he just would go do it so the bond could be broken.


My low drive XH who couldn't perform managed to cheat on me. You'd think I would have been safe. Not so much. 



gardenwise said:


> It's a tough decision that will effect my family for the rest of our lives. Selling the business is the best option but to let your baby go because your H is a douche, just pisses me off to no end.


You can join the club of people who got screwed by their lazy a$$ spouses. I resent a whole lot of things that were destroyed by my ex. But the resentment slowly fades away while the relief and happiness build. Doesn't happen right away or even quickly, but it does happen. 

Find out if he's cheating...then play the hurt spouse and ask for a divorce. Definitely hire a lawyer. Your spouse might give up more than you think in the divorce settlement if you make it fast.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

gardenwise said:


> Thank you for all the posts. Let me answer a question, is he looking for something not available at home. Maybe and I'm not making excuses but I could be doing the same thing and I've have a greater reason to do it. I am in great shape, look much younger, enjoy companionship, love to go out movies, clubs, concerts, whatever, just let's go. H drinks from the time he comes home, and that's sometimes 2 in the afternoon. Sex has not been great for quite a while, when you are drunk, sex is not great. At least not when you're 58. Do I withhold sex? Yes, sometimes, because it sucks.
> 
> Finding this bartender is not an easy task. There are 48 bars within a 3 block radius of where i live. He walks there. Cheating really is not the issue. Him doing it at all is the issue. But now when we have the slightest argument he will say all I have to do is walk up the street to get laid. Sometimes I wish he just would go do it so the bond could be broken.
> 
> ...



You have the phone number of the bartender, you do a reverse # look up, most times you have to pay to get information. I used Intellius.com to find out who my Ex was having an affair with, it worked quite well. With her name you'll also get her home address, from there you can probably find a lot more information by finding her on social media...

In all honesty your H sounds like a raging alchoholic and that alone is engough to divorce him over. You seem to need more of a reason, so it is up to you weather you wait for him to escalate or you actively uncover what he is up to at night.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Justinian said:


> I don't think this has been discussed yet, but could he be out looking for something that's no longer available at home?


This is irrelevant. If he's not happy in his marriage, he has the option of divorce. Cheating is not an acceptable option.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gardenwise,

In California, alimony is calculated based on the income from the last year or two. 

Is your company something like a chapter S so the income/loss shows up on your 1040? Or do you pay yourself actual wages?

I presume that your husband has skills that can be used for him to get another job. So you can ask the court to impute an income for him based on what he currently earns. Did your lawyer tell you about that?

If you divorce, will you stay in the town you are now? Do you think that he would? What I'm thinking is that if one or both of you move to a new location, is there any way that the business can be split with each of you having the rights to customers a particular part of the country?


.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl

We are an S corp in California, so we take a salary and distribution. We pay taxes on the income of the company. 

H would not ever work again and I don't really believe he could actually hold a job. He misses a lot of work, about 45 days this year so far. Not vacation, just not working. He takes care of a handful of customers and I run the business and I am in charge of all our salespeople. We've made his job as small as possible because it causes me huge stress for him not to come to work. Now it still makes me mad but at least I know customers are being handled.

We can't split the business as it all works together. I've made him offers, huge offers, and he will not sell the company to me. He doesn't even believe we could be forced to sell thru the courts. 

I told him to go talk to a divorce attorney, hell I'll go with him. One of us needs to act. I guess we could try counseling again but the last MC told him it was ok for him to drink as much as he wanted Friday thru Sunday. He said it was called compromise.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Go to an attorney alone, you are going to be paying him off regardless. He is getting paid right now to do next to nothing.

The counselor you saw before was an idiot, sanctioning your husband to be a weekend binge drinking alcoholic was awful and dangerous advice. Being a part-time alchoholic is not an answer you don't compromise with a drunk.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> ... Appears he's been texting a bartender in one of the local bars. He asks if she's working and then he goes. I confronted him last week and he swears there is no sex involved.





gardenwise said:


> ... Do I withhold sex? Yes, sometimes, because it sucks.


Bartenders (male and female) often lend a sympathetic ear to many, many sob stories every day. As a rule, they're not looking for affairs, just bigger tips. It is _possible_ that all your husband has found is someone willing to listen to his problems. 

It sounds like you two have grown apart over the years. Your posts don't suggest much closeness or affection, or real concern about the survival of the marriage. What I see is mostly unhappiness and anger. 

Your husband obviously is also very unhappy, and is dealing with it by climbing into a bottle and going out to talk (at the least) to others. Of course that won't fix anything, it's just making things worse.

Before things get much worse, why not have a talk about whether it has simply become time to part? There doesn't always have to be a "bad guy" when a relationship ends, sometimes it's just two good people who no longer love each other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He didn't do the weekend drinking anyway, if he's drunk by 2pm every day.

gw, you could always hire a PI to get the proof you need. But if he's that much of a drunk, the PI will probably just get proof of him falling off a bar stool every night.

You have to make up your mind if you want to continue to be miserable, or move on with your life. I'm 57 and if I thought my H would make it easy on me for me to divorce him and I could afford it, I'd be gone in a second. To start my life over, so I can spend the years I have left NOT around him and live in peace.

The number of years together doesn't mean you have to STAY together. The business obviously won't suffer without him around. Let the lawyer come up with a proposal to buy him out so you can move on.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

I agree with all of you. I am angry and I can't seem to make a decision. He has always drank but I didn't recognize it until it was too late. I was stupid, thought it was just partying as we all were doing. But some of us grow out of it.

He will not make it easy on us for divorce. He has said many times how he will see the business bk before i get my hands on it. 

I have tried living my life by myself but that's not as easy as you would think. You can't have a relationship because that's cheating and it's really hard to make new girlfriends in a new place. Plus I always look back at what could of been. We have an daughter that just graduated college and lives away from us in another state. She grew up knowing about her dad's issues. She sees a therapist every week and it really works for her.

I have become complacent with the marriage but I am just exhausted with all the freaking drama. I just want to come home from a long day, cook some food, walk by the beach, listen to some music, have some sex and go to sleep. Is that really asking for too much from a marriage?


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

Justinian said:


> I don't think this has been discussed yet, but could he be out looking for something that's no longer available at home?





EleGirl said:


> This is irrelevant. If he's not happy in his marriage, he has the option of divorce. Cheating is not an acceptable option.


Any possible reasons (not excuses) for his behavior should not be considered irrelevant, whether it's a lack of intimacy OR just a lack of someone to communicate with.

As far as I can tell, it is not certain that he has been cheating, only that he likes to go to a bar when a certain bartender is on duty. If she's on duty, it seems more likely that talk is involved than sex (for now). If bartenders had affairs with everyone they have extended conversations with, they would be mighty busy folks.

They both have the divorce option, and they are both obviously unhappy. It would seem that counseling is off the table, so divorce before things get worse may be the best (only) course of action. Sticking it out under such miserable circumstances is not a good choice.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

gardenwise said:


> guess we could try counseling again but the last MC told him it was ok for him to drink as much as he wanted Friday thru Sunday. He said it was called compromise.


You should report the MC. I wish I had reported the last bad therapists that I saw.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

gardenwise said:


> it's really hard to make new girlfriends in a new place.


If you really wanted to make friends, you could pick a charity or two to volunteer at and make friends that way. Or you could sign up for classes on things you'd like to learn and make friends. Or you could join a club for something you'd like to start doing. Or you could start attending things at meetup.com.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

I volunteer at local charities, go to Al-anon, go to meetup.com (been to 5). Go to pilates, i could take a vegan cooking class. I think I'll do a sail class next month. But it's difficult to meet single women my age where I live. Most women I've met are married and are doing their activities during the day and I can't do that. Then the weekend activities include their husbands, which I don't want to do at this time. The meetups that do have single women are younger and all looking for husbands. I'm continuing to try out different activities and see if that works.

Thanks for the suggestions.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> You should report the MC. I wish I had reported the last bad therapists that I saw.


I thought the guy had lost his mind. We didn't go back but to this day my H uses that guy against me. "The therapist didn't say i was an alcoholic". Geez seriously.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gardenwise said:


> I have become complacent with the marriage but I am just exhausted with all the freaking drama. I just want to come home from a long day, cook some food, walk by the beach, listen to some music, have some sex and go to sleep. Is that really asking for too much from a marriage?


Sometimes people talk a bunch of bull when they think that their spouse will never leave them. Your husband might be doing this. He might figure that he can do whatever he wants because of this.

If you took a definite stand with him.. either he stops the nonsense with going out, stops drinking and goes to detox/AA/etc., and goes to marriage counseling to fix or marriage or you will divorce him.

He does not sound like a guy who could survive on his own. You have been carrying him for a long time. The thought of having to be on his own might shock him into actually doing what is needed.

But you would have to be willing to follow through on the threat.

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gardenwise said:


> I volunteer at local charities, go to Al-anon, go to meetup.com (been to 5). Go to pilates, i could take a vegan cooking class. I think I'll do a sail class next month. But it's difficult to meet single women my age where I live. Most women I've met are married and are doing their activities during the day and I can't do that. Then the weekend activities include their husbands, which I don't want to do at this time. The meetups that do have single women are younger and all looking for husbands. I'm continuing to try out different activities and see if that works.
> 
> Thanks for the suggestions.


I have no doubt that there are single women your age in your area. 

Maybe you could start a meetup group and post it on the site. Maybe an every 2-week group that does something.. like goes out to dinner, or does an arts crawl (going to galleries), or other interesting thing. Even take short trips to places of interest.

Are there any meetup groups in your area for women who own businesses? There are some here and they are pretty active.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I have no doubt that there are single women your age in your area.
> 
> Maybe you could start a meetup group and post it on the site. Maybe an every 2-week group that does something.. like goes out to dinner, or does an arts crawl (going to galleries), or other interesting thing. Even take short trips to places of interest.
> 
> Are there any meetup groups in your area for women who own businesses? There are some here and they are pretty active.


Great idea. I would have a lot in common with women who own businesses. And starting one might be the ticket. Thanks for all your great advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

gardenwise said:


> Great idea. I would have a lot in common with women who own businesses. And starting one might be the ticket. Thanks for all your great advice.


Join this group: The National Association of Professional Women (NAPW) - The Power to be You

They meet all the time and do all kinds of activities. And it's just women, most of whom I've met own their own business.

One tip, if you join. Tell them you don't have any money and they'll give you a reduced rate. You can negotiate for the stuff they offer.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I recommend that you find a business advisor that is familiar with your situation. There are ways to deal with people like your husband. I dont' know what they are, but there are experts who know what to do to save your business and deal with your husband. Do some research and see what you can find.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband will try to get away with whatever he can.

Why? Because that's what drunks do, unfortunately.

Hopefully there will be lawyers available who will know how to stop his antics and strategies and keep him from wrecking the business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gardenwise said:


> Great idea. I would have a lot in common with women who own businesses. And starting one might be the ticket. Thanks for all your great advice.


I wonder if your chamber of commerce would have a list of women owned businesses in your area. If so, you could send in invite to them directly after you set up the group.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Since your husband is not really working, you could have a business consultant come in and pay her from the business account. Your husband wouldn't even notice. You can do all of this and find a way to deal with this situation leaving your husband with his half share and you with the business. People do this kind of stuff all the time and get away with it. I'm not suggesting that you do anything fraudulent. I am suggesting that you find someone who knows how to fight dirty and get them to help you handle this. Your husband is already fighting dirty. It's time to take the gloves off and hit back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have got some great advice here about setting up a professional women's group, etc. However, you must confront him and say at this stage of life it is just not on, him out drinking and gallivanting around. Surely you can make his life a bit miserable if you want to, as he is making yours. Live your life independently, no cooking, laundry, etc for him. As someone said you have been carrying him for a very long time, and he has to feel the pain of you not being in his life (though physically present). Do you guys have marital relations or is that something that is missing from the marriage?


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Thank you for your comment. I have lived independently for over a year. I don't do his laundry or cooking. I still take care of all the business aspects, paying bills, etc and that I will NOT leave up to him. Sex very rarely and about 4 nights a week he will sleep in the spare room. Drunk snoring will keep me awake even on ambien. 

The more I think about it, it's a wonder he hasn't screwed around. And it's a wonder I haven't either. But i will not be a cheater, emotionally or sexual. It goes against my nature. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I have. But i choose not to act.

But i crave a relationship more than the actual act itself. I'm not sure what he craves as we don't talk a lot about his feelings. I've tried but as he says "it's not his style". That's why I've become a workaholic. His conduct with drinking and my empty nest has given me an eye opener on what life could be.

The bartender thing does grate on me but I don't believe there has been any sexual contact. Just a old guy flirting with a young bartender. But the old guy is married and that really does cross the line when they are texting each other. That I will not forget.

But i don't want to live trying to make him miserable. Tomorrow the bottom line is, AA, quit drinking and being a slobbering idiot, go to work every day, and marriage counseling. Other choice is divorce. No more pleading, begging or being pissed off. It's just a waste of valuable time.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> I recommend that you find a business advisor that is familiar with your situation. There are ways to deal with people like your husband. I dont' know what they are, but there are experts who know what to do to save your business and deal with your husband. Do some research and see what you can find.


Seconded. Your best bet is probably your accountant. They are already familiar with your business, your income, etc., and they (we) see things like this all the time.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if your chamber of commerce would have a list of women owned businesses in your area. If so, you could send in invite to them directly after you set up the group.


Chamber "mixers" are an excellent way to meet people with many common interests.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> ... The bartender thing does grate on me but I don't believe there has been any sexual contact. Just a old guy flirting with a young bartender.


I have to wonder how many drunken old slobs go into bars every day thinking the cute young bartenders are actually interested in them, for more than the tips they can charm out of them. 



gardenwise said:


> ... Tomorrow the bottom line is, AA, quit drinking and being a slobbering idiot, go to work every day, and marriage counseling. Other choice is divorce. No more pleading, begging or being pissed off. It's just a waste of valuable time.


Good plan. 

If he can quit drinking *completely*, you both may be surprised at the man he can become. If he can't, the rest doesn't really matter.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

I hopeful he can quit but I'm a realist also. How many people who are forced to quit are successful? I think you have to want to. Maybe seeing a psychologist will help him anyway. Keeping my fingers crossed.

On the bartender thing, I will keep you posted. This will keep coming up until i get the whole story.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you stay with him, he has no reason to quit. I would move out and tell him when you get your one-year chip, come see me.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> I hopeful he can quit but I'm a realist also. How many people who are forced to quit are successful? I think you have to want to ...


Yes, he has to want to quit. But first, he may also need to admit to himself that he truly has a problem with alcohol. Many people who drink every day only in the late afternoon or evening still consider themselves nothing more than "social drinkers".

The amount of alcohol you say that he consumes every week (that you know of) means that he spends his days either intoxicated or recovering from a hangover. Live with a constant hangover for a while and it begins to feel normal. You don't realize that you're barely functioning, just getting through the day until it's time to begin drinking again. 

Just some of the symptoms of a hangover are fatigue from a lack of good sleep, depression and/or malaise, anxiety,negativity, resulting in an over all lack of enthusiasm for most things in life. 

Sound familiar?

If he can stay off the sauce long enough to get his head clear and his body working properly, he may come to realize that he gets to share the rest of his "empty nester" years with a hard working, fun-loving, physically fit woman that he loves. And that if he doesn't get his act together he may lose what so many others would love to have.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Well he refuses to quit drinking and go to marriage counseling. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not over yet. Divorces take a long time. But starting one is the #1 eye opener for people who refuse to admit they are alcoholics and will lose everything if they don't.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Thank you for your message but actually I feel relieved. I can't wait to start living again. It's been way too long.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

gardenwise said:


> Thank you for your comment. I have lived independently for over a year. I don't do his laundry or cooking. I still take care of all the business aspects, paying bills, etc and that I will NOT leave up to him. Sex very rarely and about 4 nights a week he will sleep in the spare room. Drunk snoring will keep me awake even on ambien.
> 
> The more I think about it, it's a wonder he hasn't screwed around. And it's a wonder I haven't either. But i will not be a cheater, emotionally or sexual. It goes against my nature. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I have. But i choose not to act.
> 
> ...


It sounds like your marriage has been on the rocks for some time now, this is just a slow descent into the abyss. You probably kept the business, the kids, the family unit going but he has always drank and dragged his feet work wise. You tolerated it for some time because you were not in a position to do much else and to keep things together. Now the kids are gone and it is just the two of you, you can see clearly what is left and it doesn't look good with his drinking.
He sounds like he is a heavy drinker (perhaps a functioning alcoholic?) and he will choose the booze over you every time, you will have learnt that in Al-Anon (you have gone right?). You realise don't you that you cannot change him or have any control over him, you can only control your response to him.
It appears (correct me if I am wrong) that you are a strong woman who has held things together for many years and he has done his own thing because he has never really had to step up to the plate. At this age he probably feels emasculated to a certain degree and if there has been no relationship for some time, then it is very very difficult to kick start that. Some marriage experts say it only takes one to kick start the marriage (e.g. Mort Fertel - Marriage Fitness) but it would require a whole change in mindset and approach and a willingness to suck it up some of the time - not easy. Others say it requires two. 
I get the feeling you really want an excuse to divorce him and infidelity would be the icing on the cake. However, if you think it is worth putting in some work to try and salvage it you can. Then after you have done everything possible, you can decide to walk away. You should get some IC for yourself too.
If he is unwilling to get help for the drinking or go to MC then he needs a rude awakening which divorce papers will be, you don't ultimately have to go through with it. Sorry you are in this position.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

turnera said:


> It's not over yet. Divorces take a long time. But starting one is the #1 eye opener for people who refuse to admit they are alcoholics and will lose everything if they don't.


I was thinking the same thing, but gardenwise may decide (or has already decided) he's just not worth keeping around.

Either way, this is an important fork in the road for the husband. Married or not, he needs to address his issues if he wants to live a healthy, happy life. Right now, he seems to be "circling the drain".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My H's dad ended up, due to his alcoholism, living in a squalid 10-foot trailer across the railroad tracks from a bar, where he would walk over to and cash his VA check and drink it. 

But you can't stay with someone just because they might end up that way. OP's most important job right now is to recognize that she can't stay just to save him; he must save himself. Realizing that is the most important growth in her life, I think.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Thank you for all the great replies. I have been waiting a long time to pull the trigger and the bartender is the last straw. I've lived in constant turmoil for a long time. Is he going to work? is he going to be drunk when I get home at 7:30? Is he going to be a douche to me if I ask him to do anything around the house? I've been to al-anon a few times and should probably get back to it. I did learn i can't control his behavior but i can control how I react to it.

But normally I just get really pissed off. I was raised by a single mom back in the early 60's. She passed away at 100. She taught me to work hard and expect others to do the same. I'm ashamed of my husband not pulling his weight. I've waited years for him to get his act together, like a fool.

If it would of been just family or business but to divorce both is a huge step. You don't realize how hard I've worked for both. I don't take long vacations, (hell any vacation) I miss my daughter who escaped to another city after college, I feel like a failure for letting him effect me like this. 

I just want to take the leap and get out. We'll see what the lawyer says today.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you read His Needs Her Needs, you'll learn that one of women's top three Emotional Needs (what they need from their spouse) is almost ALWAYS security - financial security, job security, housework help. You're clearly not getting that from your spouse.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you also have an issue with co-dependency always worrying , did he get to work, will be be drunk, will he follow through,etc. You may need IC for that, until you sort yourself out first I would suggest you do nothing, then pull the trigger all you want. You want to be a strong, independent woman who can stand on her own two feet without him. Shake all of that off.
Read Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beattie to give you some insight into what you are going through.

When you are ready to face the world alone, then go for it.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Not to thread jack or criticize, but you post this under "Coping With Infidelity", but as the story unravels, it is less clear that the issue is really infidelity and it seems more like an issue of alcohol/substance abuse. Perhaps you would get responses from more people who had personal experiences in this type of situation if the thread was moved to a different sub-forum?


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Not to thread jack or criticize, but you post this under "Coping With Infidelity", but as the story unravels, it is less clear that the issue is really infidelity and it seems more like an issue of alcohol/substance abuse. Perhaps you would get responses from more people who had personal experiences in this type of situation if the thread was moved to a different sub-forum?


Thank you but it sort of evolved.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Divorce attorney was a real eye opener. One half of everything, ok fine. But, it is 100% correct, if I buy the company from him I will be on the line for alimony unless he signs it away. We are talking a lot of money. She suggested getting separate households and continue working with him. Hmm, how would you do that and not go crazy?

I know it could be a lot worse, I understand that. I know I could suck it up, will not do that. I know I won't be homeless, hooray for that. But I will still have the same issues. And it isn't pretty.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

aine said:


> I think you also have an issue with co-dependency always worrying , did he get to work, will be be drunk, will he follow through,etc. You may need IC for that, until you sort yourself out first I would suggest you do nothing, then pull the trigger all you want. You want to be a strong, independent woman who can stand on her own two feet without him. Shake all of that off.
> Read Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beattie to give you some insight into what you are going through.
> 
> When you are ready to face the world alone, then go for it.


I've been to 3 psychologists. One said to give him space, wacko. The next one said I didn't open up enough and until I do that don't come back, seriously?. The third one, after about 10 visits, said I need to walk away. Maybe my luck with picking counselors is the same with picking husbands.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Could you try and offer buying him out if he agrees to no alimony? Either that or he has to put more work in as the relationship becomes business only. He might prefer that? 

On the counsellor saga, I don't think much of them anyway. I also believe the American (no offense) belief of counselling being some kind of 'solve all' is hugely misguided. Most counsellors are full of sh1t and give sh1t advice. And actually know little about what their supposed to be helping with. Mostly, in my opinion, they do more harm than good. 

I have had more help off Internet forums, books, articles, than any counsellor could have done in their wildest dreams. Any counsellor I've ever seen on any issue has either kept the problem stagnant and unmoving (very frustrating), or made things worse (infuriating).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Buy him out after the divorce when he needs money. If you both take saleries and you run it but he is missing days start docking his pay or up yours to compensate for the more work you do than him.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

This has been interesting reading. Just a 50's male thought. Maybe he doesn't really care anymore. The status quo isn't great but it is tolerable and less expensive and not worth the hassle of changing it. But - if forced to - is going down swinging and fighting because giving the $ and assets to someone else is more satisfying then turning them over to the person demanding things change. Been there/done that maybe.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

2&out said:


> This has been interesting reading. Just a 50's male thought. Maybe he doesn't really care anymore. The status quo isn't great but it is tolerable and less expensive and not worth the hassle of changing it. But - if forced to - is going down swinging and fighting because giving the $ and assets to someone else is more satisfying then turning them over to the person demanding things change. Been there/done that maybe.



I understand these thoughts completely, and I believe that sums up my husband. I don't get it though.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Many great responses but after talking to another attorney, I'm pretty much screwed financially. We made him a formal offer, everything in the house, I would walk with nothing, 0, just my clothes. Half of the business + 10% for future earnings. Total about 1.6 million. He told me to f off.

Now the question is should I just leave and not file for divorce, live with him, or just start a second family?

Just kidding on the second family. But I want companionship and sex. Advice?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Can you sell the business, split the proceeds, and start over without him? If you file for divorce, the court could force a sale.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Can you sell the business, split the proceeds, and start over without him? If you file for divorce, the court could force a sale.


This is the route I would take. If he's the scorched earth type you're going to get hurt no matter what you do, so you might as well force the sale of everything and either retire, start over, or attempt to buy the business back after it's all over. You never know, you might find that you enjoy not busting your hump all the time.

Is this a nation-wide business or a local business?


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Nucking Futs said:


> This is the route I would take. If he's the scorched earth type you're going to get hurt no matter what you do, so you might as well force the sale of everything and either retire, start over, or attempt to buy the business back after it's all over. You never know, you might find that you enjoy not busting your hump all the time.
> 
> Is this a nation-wide business or a local business?


It's a local business in CA. We just had a huge opportunity for quick growth but I just don't understand what is wrong with my H. 

Anyway, I could force a sale but I don't think I could retire on the proceeds split in half. I would not be able to get the business back, not a choice there. And starting over isn't going to happen. 

I'm stressing over the business and not my marriage, guess that tells you a lot there.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Well now he knows you are thinking about divorce, and he has an opening offer. He is probably going to go to a lawyer himself to figure out what more he can get out of you. If you have joint bank or credit accounts it would be a good idea to get that separated and locked down. This would be the time for him to start hiding cash or running up debt. 

Making a settlement offer without intending to follow through might not have been the best plan here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is it possible to still run the company together but be divorced?


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

kristin2349 said:


> Well now he knows you are thinking about divorce, and he has an opening offer. He is probably going to go to a lawyer himself to figure out what more he can get out of you. If you have joint bank or credit accounts it would be a good idea to get that separated and locked down. This would be the time for him to start hiding cash or running up debt.
> 
> Making a settlement offer without intending to follow through might not have been the best plan here.


He has no idea about the money. Where it is, how much there is, etc.

I'm not kidding. We have one joint checking account and I keep less than $1K in there.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

turnera said:


> Is it possible to still run the company together but be divorced?


I don't see how I could mentally do it. He wouldn't work and it would just drive me crazy. Like it does now.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I vote for move out and start living your own life. Total 180. Never talk to him if you can help it.

It might make him realize that he needs to quit drinking and go to marriage counselling.

Forget the divorce until he brings it up.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

It's really awful to be a 58 year old woman that has worked hard, raised a family, given up a lot of stuff and now I have to move out of my beach house and start over. Man, marriage sucks.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Filed for divorce and I am moving out tomorrow. Waiting and playing games have never been my strong suit. Thanks everyone for all the advice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We will be here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

it sounds like the brains behind the business is you. If you get someone to buy you out could they retain you as an adviser/consultant on a contractual basis? It sounds like they wouldn't want your husband in such as deal.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> Filed for divorce and I am moving out tomorrow. Waiting and playing games have never been my strong suit. Thanks everyone for all the advice.


Has your H been served? Does he understand that a divorce is now inevitable?

You said earlier that he hasn't got a clue about the money. It's possible he thinks your offers were low because he thinks there is much more money available than there actually is. If you go into arbitration or mediation with the financials, perhaps it will open his eyes and he'll be more willing to negotiate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Well, well. My H is begging to make things better. I knew the file for divorce would kick him in the butt. I don't want to be a pain getting over the bartender is going to take me a while. 

I understand this is not the same thing as sex but it's kinda more personal to me. How do you get over it? I can't look at him without wanting to punch him in the face. Is it right to stop my plans and work it out? Or should I move out for the time being and see what he does?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

gardenwise said:


> I understand this is not the same thing as sex but it's kinda more personal to me. How do you get over it? I can't look at him without wanting to punch him in the face. Is it right to stop my plans and work it out? Or should I move out for the time being and see what he does?


There is no right or wrong answer to this question.
However, the woman is only the tip of the iceberg as far as your marriage problems go. Your husband has become a lazy alcoholic who went looking to another women to make him feel better, since he is no longer attractive to you. What are you going to do about that part? Are you going to hold his feet to the fire and demand that he seek help and get his rear in gear at work to contribute as well as being sexually available to you? These are all things that are giving you grief. Are you willing to settle for his issues as long as he's not having emotional affairs?
This is your chance to lay some serious boundaries now. If you don't do it, he will never believe you in the future.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

gardenwise said:


> I understand this is not the same thing as sex but it's kinda more personal to me. How do you get over it? I can't look at him without wanting to punch him in the face. Is it right to stop my plans and work it out? Or should I move out for the time being and see what he does?


There is no right or wrong answer to this question.
However, the woman is only the tip of the iceberg as far as your marriage problems go. Your husband has become a lazy alcoholic who went looking to another women to make him feel better, since he is no longer attractive to you. What are you going to do about that part? Are you going to hold his feet to the fire and demand that he seek help and get his rear in gear at work to contribute as well as being sexually available to you? These are all things that are giving you grief. Are you willing to settle for his issues as long as he's not having emotional affairs?
This is your chance to lay some serious boundaries now. If you don't do it, he will never believe you are serious in the future when you are at your wits end.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No. Move out. If he wants you he can EARN you back. For at least six months of showing you from separate homes. I predict he will be hot and heavy for 2, 3 weeks, and then it will start petering out, you'll see him less and less, because he really isn't that attached; you were just a convenience. But time will tell. And the divorce isn't going to happen overnight; you'll have time to observe him. And you can always cancel it down the road.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yes, suggest proceed with your original plan, he needs to become a better man before you want him back. He drinks too much, is lazy, hits on other women (and maybe more you don't know about ). You tell him, you do not see a future with him as this kind of man (he is not the man you married) and you will not waste the rest of your life with such a man when you have so much more to give a decent man. It is obvious he has taken you for granted big time.

You have filed, will live alone, continue with the business (make decisions re this later when you are more settled). 
Do the 180 on him, but I doubt that will be a problem as you are angry now.
You tell him if he chooses to get his act together, you will give him 9 months, he joins AA and gets IC for his issues and if he wants you back, he works for it, you will help him with the R but if he puts one foot wrong, with other women etc, boundaries are crossed/broken then the deal is off. If he doesn't show what you want in 9 months then you are proceeding with divorce. If he doesn't make the effort to do anything about himself then you are beating a dead horse and it is time to move on knowing that you did all you can do to save the marriage.
Do not stay in the status quo, because he will make all sorts of promises and probably not fulfill any of them, you must follow through. Filing was the first step.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wasn't there a guy here a couple of days ago talking about how he'd been "innocently" texting a bartender to see when she was working or some such?

Did that turn out to be OP's husband?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Wasn't there a guy here a couple of days ago talking about how he'd been "innocently" texting a bartender to see when she was working or some such?
> 
> Did that turn out to be OP's husband?


I thought the same thing...


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Kept to my plan, moved out. Well today, my husband comes to work and starts ranting at me how there is nothing wrong with what he did, I was a b**** for snooping and he would do what he wanted.

I asked him if he was the idiot poster the other day, and he didn't know what I was talking about. I believe that because he doesn't give enough of a sh** to actually seek help.

I told him I was going ahead with divorce. What a douche.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

gardenwise said:


> Kept to my plan, moved out. Well today, my husband comes to work and starts ranting at me how there is nothing wrong with what he did, I was a b**** for snooping and he would do what he wanted.
> 
> I asked him if he was the idiot poster the other day, and he didn't know what I was talking about. I believe that because he doesn't give enough of a sh** to actually seek help.
> 
> I told him I was going ahead with divorce. What a douche.


That is called blame shifting. You cannot work with someone who won't take responsibility for his own issues.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

gardenwise said:


> Kept to my plan, moved out. Well today, my husband comes to work and starts ranting at me how there is nothing wrong with what he did, I was a b**** for snooping and he would do what he wanted.
> 
> I asked him if he was the idiot poster the other day, and he didn't know what I was talking about. I believe that because he doesn't give enough of a sh** to actually seek help.
> 
> I told him I was going ahead with divorce. What a douche.


FWIW, my read on the other poster was that a) he felt that he'd done nothing wrong and b) he was looking for everyone here to validate that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Even if he didn't realize what he was doing was wrong and if he still doesn't think he was doing anything wrong, the very fact that it hurt you should make him want to stop. Doing things that are hurtful to your spouse and getting angry at the spouse for being hurt is contemptuous behavior. Contempt destroys marriages.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> I asked him if he was the idiot poster the other day, and he didn't know what I was talking about. I believe that because he doesn't give enough of a sh** to actually seek help.


It's not so hard to believe that the other poster was just a coincidence, it's a very common scenario, people (both genders) sitting in a bar and pouring out their sorrows to someone who is paid (more or less) to listen.

You said that you read at least one of her texts. Was there anything to indicate a romance, or was she just notifying him that she was on duty?


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> Kept to my plan, moved out. Well today, my husband comes to work and starts ranting at me how there is nothing wrong with what he did, I was a b**** for snooping and he would do what he wanted.
> 
> ... I told him I was going ahead with divorce. What a douche.


This is certainly a wake up call for him.

First question is will he actually wake up and deal with his issues.

Second question is does that now matter to you, or is it too late?


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Justinian said:


> It's not so hard to believe that the other poster was just a coincidence, it's a very common scenario, people (both genders) sitting in a bar and pouring out their sorrows to someone who is paid (more or less) to listen.
> 
> You said that you read at least one of her texts. Was there anything to indicate a romance, or was she just notifying him that she was on duty?


Text from her, said "Hey *********(my name for him now), I just arrived. Come by.

His text: "I will as soon as my daughter and wife go to bed"


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

That's the only text I saw before he broke his iphone. Also, who here thinks it's ok to get a strange person's phone number, text them when you are in front of your wife, and go out and meet them after wifey goes to bed. Even if she is a bartender, it's not ok unless that's the type of relationship you have.

If I did that, I would eventually want to have sex with that person. Hey I'm not saying the bartender wasn't just working an older man, but it's my man I'm concerned with. That behavior is in the area you don't go. 

I've had so many opportunities to talk to men, date men, have sex with men and I haven't pursued anything because it's a beginning to something i don't want to finish. Plus you are married.

Now if he gets his sh** together, will I want him again. I honestly don't know. After 6 months of not living together, why would I want him back. I'm going to new groups, meeting new friends and working on myself. He'll just screw with me again. I truly believe that.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> Text from her, said "Hey *********(my name for him now), I just arrived. Come by.
> 
> His text: "I will as soon as my daughter and wife go to bed"


Sounds like he's nothing more than a customer. They've probably never met away from the bar. He either believes that she's truly interested in him, or just wants you to believe it.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Justinian said:


> Sounds like he's nothing more than a customer. They've probably never met away from the bar. He either believes that she's truly interested in him, or just wants you to believe it.


I don't think he had sex with her but it was disgusting to watch. They were having conversations, he was taking the phone to bed with him, he should of changed the passwords.

And to leave after i went to bed what the FU**?


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> That's the only text I saw before he broke his iphone. Also, who here thinks it's ok to get a strange person's phone number, text them when you are in front of your wife, and go out and meet them after wifey goes to bed. Even if she is a bartender, it's not ok unless that's the type of relationship you have.
> 
> If I did that, I would eventually want to have sex with that person. Hey I'm not saying the bartender wasn't just working an older man, but it's my man I'm concerned with. That behavior is in the area you don't go.


For all you know she has a long list of guys she sends texts to when she starts her shift. That can turn a slow shift into a busy one. It doesn't appear that she was arranging a "meeting", she said to "come by". 

From the way you've described your husband's behavior at this point, it's hard to imagine why she would find him appealing. She must see many just like him every day, and most are not a pretty sight.

I agree that it's your husband's behavior that's unacceptable, and the root of the problem is the alcohol abuse.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Justinian said:


> For all you know she has a long list of guys she sends texts to when she starts her shift. That can turn a slow shift into a busy one. It doesn't appear that she was arranging a "meeting", she said to "come by".
> 
> From the way you've described your husband's behavior at this point, it's hard to imagine why she would find him appealing. She must see many just like him every day, and most are not a pretty sight.
> 
> I agree that it's your husband's behavior that's unacceptable, and the root of the problem is the alcohol abuse.


I don't know and I really don't care. I'm not being a prude by any stretch of the imagination. But some things are not cool with me. 

I'm so tired of alcohol abuse being the excuse to be a crappy person. Blah, Blah. Either you are a crappy person or you're not. You either care about people, or you don't.

I'm sure he thought it was fun to have a big boobed younger girl texting and paying attention to him, even if it was a bartender. I'm sure I'm a ***** that doesn't pay attention to him. But come on, what do I have to do besides cook, clean, run the business, raise our kid, take care of all personal business and private. And i would of had sex whenever he wanted. I guess I should of done a better job.


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

gardenwise said:


> That's the only text I saw before he broke his iphone. Also, who here thinks it's ok to get a strange person's phone number, text them when you are in front of your wife, and go out and meet them after wifey goes to bed. Even if she is a bartender, it's not ok unless that's the type of relationship you have.
> 
> If I did that, I would eventually want to have sex with that person. Hey I'm not saying the bartender wasn't just working an older man, but it's my man I'm concerned with. That behavior is in the area you don't go.
> 
> ...


You might want to think about it this way. You aren't really leaving him because of the bartender. You are leaving him because he's a no good, lazy alcoholic. You haven't been in a marriage, you've been his Mom. You sound like an intelligent, educated professional, capable of running a company with no help from your deadbeat husband. Why in the world would you want to live with him for the rest of your life?

If you sell your company, you can do something else where you do not have to work as hard. You could also sell the company, and tell them you are willing to work as a consultant.

Even if you have to pay the deadbeat, it will be worth it to be rid of him. You will be amazed at how good it feels!

It doesn't sound like you're afraid of hard work. You husband may be all bluster about bankrupting the company before he lets you have it. After all, he'd be bankrupting himself.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

workathome: I totally agree with everything you just said. And I realize my co-dependency is also an issue. We've been together a really long time and I put up with just about everything except infidelity. 

I'm signing up for a boxing class today, my anger is really the focus of my life right now. And I need to let it go. 

Thanks again for all the great advice.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> I'm signing up for a boxing class today ...


Over all, you sound like quite a catch yourself.

It will serve him right if he wakes up one day and realizes what he has lost, and how much effort it will take to win you back (if it's even possible).


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

Any updates?


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Workathome said:


> Any updates?


The last few days have been odd. He has been going to work everyday but his attitude has been getting worse daily. Today he hugged me at work and I thought he was going to say something nice, instead i get how about a bjob? What a weird thing to say. We haven't had sex or really a civil conversation in a while now. Is he just a moron? could that be it, he's just a moron?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He could be a moron. I'm often surprised when I realize that I'm projecting some depth of thought to someone who is acting stupid. Sometimes they are just stupid.

Your H is hanging out in bars and getting drunk. He is killing brain cells daily and spending his time with people doing the same. His thinking patterns are most likely very different from yours, to say the least.

Good luck with your plans going forward. You sound very reasonable to me.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

gardenwise said:


> ... Is he just a moron? could that be it, he's just a moron?


Let's be kind and call it "extremely clueless".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gardenwise said:


> The last few days have been odd. He has been going to work everyday but his attitude has been getting worse daily. Today he hugged me at work and I thought he was going to say something nice, instead i get how about a bjob? What a weird thing to say. We haven't had sex or really a civil conversation in a while now. Is he just a moron? could that be it, he's just a moron?


Or trying to spook you or get a rise out of you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

gardenwise said:


> The last few days have been odd. He has been going to work everyday but his attitude has been getting worse daily. Today he hugged me at work and I thought he was going to say something nice, instead i get how about a bjob? What a weird thing to say. We haven't had sex or really a civil conversation in a while now. Is he just a moron? could that be it, he's just a moron?


He has no clue what is going on. He is trying to live in his own little world and get you to come along. You have lived with his issues this long, he's trying to get you back into complacency. He probably has no idea what he's going to do when you are divorced. He probably has no plan at all. This could change at any moment, but that appears to be where he is right now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Like many, he doesn't want a divorce but he also doesn't want to put in the work necessary to avoid a divorce. So now he's apparently hoping his presence at work will make you give up and allow things return to normal. Or something. Shaking my head. Ignore him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like he likes the convenience of a marriage but wants to have his side fun. I agree that he's probably one in a long list this bartender has so he likely knows he can't have anything real with it. 

He's hoping you'll roll over. Sounds like you're doing a great job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> He has no clue what is going on. He is trying to live in his own little world and get you to come along. You have lived with his issues this long, he's trying to get you back into complacency. He probably has no idea what he's going to do when you are divorced. He probably has no plan at all. This could change at any moment, but that appears to be where he is right now.


Plan? What's that? You have to remember if we divorce he gets half, lots of cash, doesn't have to work, doesn't have to worry about his spouse, can do whatever he wants.

Hmm, not a bad plan.


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## gardenwise (Nov 1, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Like many, he doesn't want a divorce but he also doesn't want to put in the work necessary to avoid a divorce. So now he's apparently hoping his presence at work will make you give up and allow things return to normal. Or something. Shaking my head. Ignore him.


I know, it's gets funnier the more tequila I drink.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

gardenwise said:


> Plan? What's that? You have to remember if we divorce he gets half, lots of cash, doesn't have to work, doesn't have to worry about his spouse, can do whatever he wants.
> 
> Hmm, not a bad plan.


So what?

Who cares?

YOU are then moving on with YOUR half and are free to start a NEW life without stress and able to do what YOU want, with YOUR half.

Sounds like a bargain to me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> So what?
> 
> Who cares?
> 
> ...


Besides, the money might not last as long as expected. It's expensive to support an addiction and bimbos and when one doesn't work that money will go quickly, especially with someone who's not used to having to worry about it. And said bimbos will smell the money on him and have a field day with it. 

That's why lottery winners are usually broke fairly quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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