# Disconnected after long term sexless marriage, porn addiction



## levram (Mar 15, 2014)

My husband and I just celebrated the 10th anniversary of our marriage. Over the years we've survived his affair with a younger woman, and ever since the second year of our marriage we've had sex only once every 2 to 4 months (and then only if I threatened to divorce him), due to his porn addiction.
Now, I am an open minded woman, I know men look at porn and although I wish he wouldn't, I am able to accept that most likely it's going to happen sometimes. But from day one, he would masturbate to porn even on the days we'd had sex. Sometimes he'd turn me down for sex if he knew I would be leaving soon, and if I came back to the house to grab something I'd forgotten, there he'd be, masturbating to porn the instant I stepped out the door. Eventually he started doing it even when I was home. He'd wait until I had gone to bed and sneak back up and go to another room and do it. 
I discovered his affair on the day of our 1 year anniversary. For a couple months he had a hard time choosing between she and I. During that time we separated. When he made his decision and came back home, that's when the sex stopped and he'd go weeks without initiating anything and turning me down when I tried. During this time he was using porn as his sexual outlet to substitute for any sexual relationship with me. He even stopped sleeping in the same bedroom with me altogether, several years ago.
I have spent the last 9 years feeling like I am being punished for making him choose, punished for not being that other younger woman. The porn he masturbates to is always younger women, about her age. I don't know how to let go of his transgression when he turns me away and repeats it in his "pretend" sex life daily.
A year or so ago, I stopped feeling so hurt by his actions, stopped trying to figure out what was wrong with me or being angry with myself for not being 10 years younger than I am (like his lover was), came out of my depression, and then I started being angry and resentful. His reaction to that was indifference at first. Now more recently - although he still uses porn as his main source of release daily - he has started trying to have sex with me once or twice a week, and being very pushy about it. Instead of making me happy, I find it insulting that I am still playing second fiddle to his pretend lovers who take center stage in his life. And on top of that, I feel so disconnected from him now. I don't get turned on by him at all, I feel like I don't know him any more, nothing about him is familiar sexually. It is awkward and forced and quite frankly I'd rather not bother with it at all. On top of that, he is now so conditioned to masturbation as a means of release, that he can't seem to climax from sex with me unless we go at it for 45 minutes to an hour. And I don't mean foreplay, there is none of that at all, he just goes straight to humping and then humps for that whole time. It is exhausting and boring and physically uncomfortable. I would rather have a tooth pulled with no anesthesia than to endure it. In fact now when he tries I literally feel so much anxiety at the idea of being stuck there that long getting rubbed raw, I sometimes get a full fledged panic attack and have to get him off me or else I feel like I can't breathe.
And so, I turn him away. Which of course sends him to the porn even more. 
And here we are. 
Now aside from the sex situation, we have a great marriage. Yes, we have our little spats, but nothing out of the ordinary.
How do I get past the resentment? How do I reconnect with him again? And how does he un-learn the notion of needing to climax from self-stimulation and become attracted to the feel of an actual live woman again? 
And is it even worth worrying about at all? Because quite frankly I am sick of the whole thing.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Oh no, honey. You need to leave. You can't get past something he isn't willing to leave in the past. Your whole marriage sounds like one big mind ****. Perhaps you have become accustomed to compartmentalizing this situation. Perhaps you have become accustomed to the constant emotional pain. That does not make your marriage great.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not think you should have put up with that for nine years. 

...but it is your life.

If he is not willing to do what it takes to be a good spouse than you can do better.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

You need to leave. It's sad how they always want to change when it's too late. I'm in the same situation with my "wife" minus the porn and masturbation. I know what it feels like to check out and it sucks. The worst part is they never ever realize what they did. When you check out, you're the bad guy. Eventually you'll realize the problem is him and not you, no matter how much he ends up trying to guilt you. The final straw for me was realizing that I can't live the rest of my life in an unsatisfying and unfulfilling marriage. You can read my post if you want - you aren't alone and plenty of men would give anything to have a wife that desires intimacy with them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Not looking good its harder to turn sexless around when its a man doing it versus a woman. Even with women its a long time until things get better for me over 4 years to get better.


Since he cheated and has a porn addiction obviously he has no respect for you. As long as you aren't letting yourself go physically he needs to step up to the plate.

I would do an all or nothing approach and basically tell him in a calm nice voice...

"Honey I have been trying for a long time to change things in our marriage and I am unhappy at the lack of change, I don't want to pester you to change you so I would like to discuss splitting, one reason I am unhappy is our meager sex life and since your affair sex has always been an issue plus you selfishly seek your own satisfaction via pornography. I am entitled to be happy and I cannot go on like this anymore its too heartbreaking so I will let you be single if you want to split. 

Then wait for his response.

If he chooses marriage make sure you get concessions to stay. Maybe open a six month window for him to take care of whatever his issue is. You also need to put forth your best effort and ask him what can I do for you?

I think you need to bring this to a head and be prepared for either divorce or a better marriage. You have already done "limbo" and as I know first hand that cannot go on forever.

Remember this: People only change when the WANT TO or when they HAVE TO.

and...

Insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results.


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