# Why can't I let it go



## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

well to start off this happened several years ago. I started a new job working out of town, my wife had a job so she stayed here while i was seeing if this job would work for us. I would come home every weekend, well came home one weekend and find a guy that I know and was kinda friends with at the time paycheck stub on the floor beside my bed. I asked her about it, and she said that him and another guy came over and burnt cd's. Well i didn't think much about it cause i thought both of them were gay anyway. Well the job outta town didnt work out, so came home and wife started talking about babies and stuff. Which was cool with me, but just like all of the sudden she started talking bout it. So we end up having a beautiful baby girl the next year, and then one night I brought up that guy she once brought over to the apartment. That's when she tells me she kissed him outside of work one night. Well of course i blow up and take her home and leave for a bit. So time goes on, it was just a kiss so what. Then I start thinking about his paycheck stub on the side of the bed, and this is where most of our fights come from. All i can think is she had sex with him, but she swears to god, promises anything to try and make me believe her, but she cannot explain the paycheck stub on the floor beside that night they burnt cd's. This has been going on for a long time, the "kiss" happened in 2005 and she told me like end of 2006 or in 2007 cant remember exactly. Beside that one incident there has never been any other problems like this in my marriage, but i cannot let this go. I have trust issues, still have problems believing her, still feel so betrayed. When I talk to her about it she always says she was lonely and they just hung out and that happened. We now have 2 kids 7 and 5, own a home, got a good sex life, but i still struggle with this. I try not to talk to her about this, but sometimes it comes up. The other day we went thru all of this again and i asked her 1000 questions. She has always said she kissed him, i asked her the other day who started it and she said he did but apparently she went along with it. So i ask who kissed who, what kind of kiss which she got mad about and said she wasnt going to give details cause i didnt need to know, then she says she cant remember and thinks it was just a peck. Then she told him they couldnt be doing this cause she was married and that was it according to her. I just wish i never went out of town to try and better our situation cause it seems like it all my fault this happened. She always tells me she is sorry she hurt me, and all these years i hounded her about this the story has pretty much been the same. Like who was over burning cd's and she once told me him and another guy, when i asked her the other day she said just him, then i mention the other guy she said before then she is like oh yeah he was there i forgot. I do have to take into consideration this was like 9yrs ago almost so things can be forgotten when there no big deal. I really want to believe her and get past this but i can see or hear that guys name and it bring it to my attention, it is like my mind is consumed by this. I keep wanting to ask questions, like where all did you guys hang out at, did yall do anything else but gets no where. i would like some opinions about this, i just believe I am over thinking this whole situation, sorry so long and all over the place


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## TheBaxter (May 19, 2014)

Get that kid of yours, the one conceived around the time the paycheck stub incident happened, DNA tested.


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

TheBaxter said:


> Get that kid of yours, the one conceived around the time the paycheck stub incident happened, DNA tested.


I have thought of that, but the time frame from when that happened to when we had the baby wouldnt be right, she would have been born like 2 months earlier


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you think you have the whole story? 

Ask her if she'll take a poly.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Hey Dodge. I've long suspected my wife had an affair with a coworker. I was never able to get proof or a confession. About a year ago my wife volunteered to take a polygraph. I told her I would think about it and let it drop. I still have serious doubts about her story, so I finally asked her to take one. She actually backed off and said she wasn't sure she wanted to take one. Her reaction says a lot. I am still proceeding with the test.

Have you thought about asking her to take one? I think it is really important to frame the conversation in that she is helping you to put this issue behind you. It is all in how you frame it. That doubt in the back of your mind is like a cancer slowly eating away at your relationship. 

What will most likely happen is her reaction to your request will give you the answers you want. If she is very enthusiastic about taking it in my opinion she is probably telling the truth. (You should probably still proceed with the test though to make sure this issue doesn't resurface). If she refuses, or comes up with a bunch of excuses why she can't/won't take it, then she is probably still hiding stuff.


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

SofaKingWeToddId said:


> Hey Dodge. I've long suspected my wife had an affair with a coworker. I was never able to get proof or a confession. About a year ago my wife volunteered to take a polygraph. I told her I would think about it and let it drop. I still have serious doubts about her story, so I finally asked her to take one. She actually backed off and said she wasn't sure she wanted to take one. Her reaction says a lot. I am still proceeding with the test.
> 
> Have you thought about asking her to take one? I think it is really important to frame the conversation in that she is helping you to put this issue behind you. It is all in how you frame it. That doubt in the back of your mind is like a cancer slowly eating away at your relationship.
> .
> What will most likely happen is her reaction to your request will give you the answers you want. If she is very enthusiastic about taking it in my opinion she is probably telling the truth. (You should probably still proceed with the test though to make sure this issue doesn't resurface). If she refuses, or comes up with a bunch of excuses why she can't/won't take it, then she is probably still hiding stuff.


Well doing one of those would surely clear it up, that would just be hard to bring up to her. I know she would get upset with me asking, just cause of the simple fact that I don't believe her. If there was more to it that just a kiss, why even tell me about the kiss
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dodge936 said:


> I have thought of that, but the time frame from when that happened to when we had the baby wouldnt be right, she would have been born like 2 months earlier


Uhhh... she could be lying to cover her @$$ in this regard. Seriously... how hard would it be for her to shift her story by two months just to keep you from being suspicious enough about this to check into it...?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dodge936 said:


> Well doing one of those would surely clear it up, that would just be hard to bring up to her. I know she would get upset with me asking, just cause of the simple fact that I don't believe her. If there was more to it that just a kiss, why even tell me about the kiss


Start w/ a DNA test for your kid. Don't tell her that you're doing it, just do it.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

dodge936 said:


> I have thought of that, but the time frame from when that happened to when we had the baby wouldnt be right, she would have been born like 2 months earlier


IF it was a one-time thing....could have been an ongoing fling

Did you ever speak to the guy? or the other guy? see if their stories match up with your wife's?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would do the DNA just to put that to rest. Its not that expensive and it really does not take that long to do. I did overnight my stuff to the company so it took less than two weeks getting the results back. 

I would ask her about doing a poly and see what her reaction is. If she gets defensive then you probably have confirmed what you already thought. I would just explain it to her you need to put these fears to rest so you both can have a meaningful loving relationship. If nothing happened she will agree and your mind will be put to rest soon. 

Clay


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

most here will tell you a kiss = oral or they had sex
it is called Trickle Truth (TT) it is done by the wayward spouse to minimize the damage.

was the computer in the bedroom? (to burn the CDs)?

a pay stub on the floor means it fell out of a pocket in the bedroom meaning clothing could have come off but IDK maybe not ( how did she explain this)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

convert said:


> most here will tell you a kiss = oral or they had sex
> it is called Trickle Truth (TT) it is done by the wayward spouse to minimize the damage.


Not sure how accurate it is, but the prevailing wisdom around here seems to be...

"We just kissed" means _at least_ oral
"It was just oral" means _at least_ full-on PIV
"It was just one time" means that it was several times, and there may have been anal, etc (things previously unavailable to the betrayed spouse)



convert said:


> was the computer in the bedroom? (to burn the CDs)?


I know, right?



convert said:


> a pay stub on the floor means it fell out of a pocket


Again, DUUUUUH...


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

dodge936 said:


> Well doing one of those would surely clear it up, that would just be hard to bring up to her. I know she would get upset with me asking, just cause of the simple fact that I don't believe her. If there was more to it that just a kiss, why even tell me about the kiss
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't say it would be easy. Obviously it is your choice to make. 

What else could she do to prove it?


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

Yeah the computer was in the bedroom and the only other place to sit would been on the bed. She has always been honest with me, with all my hounding and being a straight up **** to her about this wouldn't you think she would eventually get tired of the harassment and admit to it if there was anything to admit to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

Yeah when I think of the paycheck stub on the floor, I think of pants coming off and it falling out of his pocket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

dodge936 said:


> Yeah the computer was in the bedroom and the only other place to sit would been on the bed. She has always been honest with me, with all my hounding and being a straight up **** to her about this wouldn't you think she would eventually get tired of the harassment and admit to it if there was anything to admit to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is very common for cheaters to minimize and lie. It is so common there is a term for it, "trickle truth". 

I'm not saying your wife is lying, but just know that it is certainly a possibility.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dodge936 said:


> Yeah the computer was in the bedroom and the only other place to sit would been on the bed. She has always been honest with me, with all my hounding and being a straight up **** to her about this wouldn't you think she would eventually get tired of the harassment and admit to it if there was anything to admit to.


Not necessarily. Not when faced w/ the prospect of having the truth tear apart her family, self-image, public image, prosperity, financial future, etc.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> Yeah when I think of the paycheck stub on the floor, I think of pants coming off and it falling out of his pocket.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the most logical explanation when you take into account that she admits to kissing him - which as another poster suggested, is simply trickle truth. Add the two together and it's reasonable for you to assume this was a PA.

You can ask her to take a poly and you can threaten to D if she doesn't take it or doesn't confess the PA. Whether you go so for as that or not; you should at least ask her (only ask for now) if she'd be willing to take one to help you get past this. If she refuses, that's just one more clue as to what happened.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would go with your gut feelings on this one dodge...and i would approach her like this...i want to put this behind me once and for all and ask her is she is willing to take a poly then he will never bring it up again...deal? and if she says no then ask her if she has something to hide...if she says no ...then why not clear the air...and if she says why don't you trust me...then give her the old reagan line...trust but verify.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> I have thought of that, but the time frame from when that happened to when we had the baby wouldnt be right, she would have been born like 2 months earlier


So? DNA anyway.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> Yeah the computer was in the bedroom and the only other place to sit would been on the bed. She has always been honest with me, with all my hounding and being a straight up **** to her about this *wouldn't you think she would eventually get tired of the harassment and admit to it if there was anything to admit to.*


No, I wouldn't.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dodge, did she _swear on the lives of her kids_ that nothing happened?


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Dodge, did she _swear on the lives of her kids_ that nothing happened?


WTH? 
I hear this phrase often. What does it mean? 
If she is lying then ... what? Somehow something will miraculously happen to her kids? 

Or that will create some long term emotional discomfort for her?


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Does the OM still live near you or in contact with your wife?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"with all my hounding and being a straight up **** to her about this wouldn't you think she would eventually get tired of the harassment and admit to it if there was anything to admit to."

Logically you would think this would be true...but if you read a large number of threads here you will soon notice that the answer to your question is, unfortunately, no.

Most cheaters seem to continue to minimize, lie, and hide things even after being confronted with undeniable proof.

There is something in your gut that is still screaming about this...for example, you try to give her the benefit of the doubt saying it was 9 years ago so possible to forget things if nothing happened...NIT she KNOWS its not a little incident for your M as this has been bothering you and a source of arguments for the entire time.

I might indeed forget details of an incident from a decade ago if it was suddenly brought up for the first time all those years later...but if something has been a source of arguments and suspicions with another person that have periodically gone on for the entire decade, there is NO WAY I suddenly forget the details of what happened...but if I've been spinning a story to cover/hide what really happened, I might forget the details of the fiction from one confrontation to the next if they are months or years apart.

That is how so many people get caught out in lies...their stories not only have logical holes that leave doubts and unanswered questions, but the story also changes as the liar forgets the exact spin/take on the incident they have most recently fed the person they are deceiving.

I know when I'm being honest, the story NEVER changes...that's because it is simply the truth and I'm hiding nothing.

You have already gotten several alterations to her story...nothing happened= we kissed...two guys, then one, oh no it was two I forgot.

No wonder your gut is still screaming.

But she isn't going to just tell you as she sees honesty as a threat to her happy life now.

You have to tell her that you need a poly to move past this finally...if she confesses anything beforehand you will still be willing to work on saving your M...but if she continues to lie and fails the poly, then you will have to consider D since you cannot see how you can continue with a dishonest wife who could hide such a horrible betrayal.


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Does the OM still live near you or in contact with your wife?


I believe he still lives in town, but there hasn't been Any contact dec 2005
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Dodge, did she _swear on the lives of her kids_ that nothing happened?


Yes she has
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

The main reason I never question it cause the guy that kissed her was openly gay in school, and the second guy was 100 gay. So when I found the paycheck stub it was no big deal cause I knew they were gay and thought they were with each other . That's what makes me think she kissed him, cause I always knew him as a gay man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Not everyone is either gay or straight. One (or both) of them could have very well been bisexual.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> ... I know she would get upset with me asking, just cause of the simple fact that I don't believe her....


So what if she gets upset? You've been upset about it for 9 years.

And why would you believe her? She admitted to kissing OM, and admitted to having 2 men in her bedroom. None of that is kosher behavior for a married woman. 

DNA kids ASAP.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So how would she feel if the roles were reversed?

Ok for you to have some women over? 

Kissing means sex in the affair.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> Yes she has
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dodge, it's only anecdotal evidence; but I can't tell you how many times a WS has said they "swear on their children's lives", only to have lied about cheating. We here if often enough here, that it's now been added to the unofficial cheater's "script". That's why Mach asked you that.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> Yes she has
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guilty!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK so why would she kiss a gay man? Look she crossed the line kissing another guy, having another guy in your home when you are out of town. Tell her we just need to but this behind you both and ask her for a polygraph test. Yes she will blow up but she is that one that created the issue. 

I would get the kids dna checked still


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

I wonder how much they charge for a poly


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dodge936 said:


> I wonder how much they charge for a poly


A DNA test is probably much less expensive, as well as _much_, _*Much*_, _*MUCH*_ more accurate.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OpenEnded said:


> WTH?
> I hear this phrase often. What does it mean?
> If she is lying then ... what? Somehow something will miraculously happen to her kids?
> 
> Or that will create some long term emotional discomfort for her?


When a woman says she swears on "the lives of the kids", it means the kids may not be "daddy's." It's a phrase commonly used out of nowhere when falsely denying adultery. It is tantamount to an admission of guilt.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> When a woman says she swears on "the lives of the kids", it means the kids may not be "daddy's." It's a phrase commonly used out of nowhere when falsely denying adultery. It is tantamount to an admission of guilt.


My wife said it. I guess we will find out when she takes the poly.


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

The whole swearing on the kids, I am the one who asked if she would swear on them, swear on her own life.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

My kids DNA cost 125 each. No interaction with there mother was necessary at all. It was easy to do and the results came back fast. 


Clay


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> The whole swearing on the kids, I am the one who asked if she would swear on them, swear on her own life.


They will swear on anything to keep their BSs from investigating further. You don't think Mach just guessed the 'swearing on the childrens' lives, do you?

BTDT.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> The whole swearing on the kids, I am the one who asked if she would swear on them, swear on her own life.


Doesn't matter. She did it. Get the DNA kit.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Do the DNA first.
Then the poly if need be.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I agree with Mach, but it applies all over as well. I automatically feel someone is lying, too many anecdotal experiences to mention, when a person swears on anything when caught. Swear on Kids or the bible, in a tense conversation, we are done talking. Yes, even if I ASKED the question.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> Yeah the computer was in the bedroom and the only other place to sit would been on the bed. She has always been honest with me, with all my hounding and being a straight up **** to her about this wouldn't you think she would eventually get tired of the harassment and admit to it if there was anything to admit to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My WW has kept the denial up since 1974. In spite of an admission by OM, and confirmation from toxic friend. 

My WW also said that nothing happened but there was a kiss. She changed the version of who kissed who depending on how I approached the discussion.

My WW would get really mad as a device to avoid having to give explanations that may have revealed lies. Better to go silent for a day or two than to be found out. She also swore on her mother's grave, her children's lives, etc.

Have you thought that the reason why your wife mentioned the second man may have been to introduce a chaperone into the mix when there was none? Years later when you brought the incident up maybe she forgot the need to have a chaperone and that is why she did not mention a second man. 

If OM was gay, why did she not bring it up as the alibi during the first discussion?

You don't know that it was a single instance (if there was one.) She may have kept up an affair far longer than you think she may have, thence the timing of the child ( I sincerely hope this is not the case.)

You need to realize that any information that comes from your wife about the incident may not be truthful.

I confronted my WW's OM many years after the PA. I told him that WW and I were in counseling, that my WW had confessed, and that my reconciliation depended on his corroboration. He minimized like crazy, but confirmed the affair and its length and circumstances.

Maybe you can think of some strategy to get OM to open up.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Sounds like she's quite a manipulater. I mean in a very bad way. What you don't know won't hurt you. That's her strategy. Spoil her strategy.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Dodge, did she _swear on the lives of her kids_ that nothing happened?





dodge936 said:


> Yes she has
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh hell.

Seriously Dawg, what would you do now if she said she slept with the guy? Here's the thing. First, a married woman can kiss another guy without sleeping with him. I was an escort and kissed a number of married women without sleeping with them. Escorting is more than just sex. Second, the pay stub is somewhat suspect but men loose a lot of stuff from their pockets by reaching for keys, etc. from their shirt pocket by retrieving glasses, leaning down to pick something up. Hence, the pay stub is not conclusive evidence he dropped his pants.
The main thing to look for are nuances in her behavior. Few women can completely hide involvement with another guy.
But if you would not do anything regardless, why worry about it.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

You can't let it go because you probably don't have the full truth. 

Many people here jump to the worst conclusions, but this comes from experience. The first story you get, and probably a couple of stories after that, tend to minimize what happened. She may be protecting you (herself). 

Just keep your eyes open. You don't have to accept what you hear here, or from her mouth, as the truth... and only you can determine what all of this means to you. You don't have peace of mind, so figure out what you need, and make that happen.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

If she'd had sex with him do you think they would have made sure he hadn't left anything behind?


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Oh hell.
> 
> Seriously Dawg, what would you do now if she said she slept with the guy? Here's the thing. First, a married woman can kiss another guy without sleeping with him. I was an escort and kissed a number of married women without sleeping with them. Escorting is more than just sex. Second, the pay stub is somewhat suspect but men loose a lot of stuff from their pockets by reaching for keys, etc. from their shirt pocket by retrieving glasses, leaning down to pick something up. Hence, the pay stub is not conclusive evidence he dropped his pants.
> The main thing to look for are nuances in her behavior. Few women can completely hide involvement with another guy.
> But if you would not do anything regardless, why worry about it.


Worry and rational thought don't necessarily coincide. I can see why the OP is worried regardless of what action he might be inclined to take. 

It's called circumstantial evidence.

I see these items of circumstantial evidence (some very flimsy):

1.) Pay stub.

2.) Forgetting there was another man.

3.) Admitting there was a kiss.

4.) Only admitting to the kiss more than a year after it happened.

5.) Later downgrading the kiss to a peck.

6.) Admitting she was lonely at the time.

7.) Sudden change in behavior (Baby talk)

8.) Perhaps (don't have full details) not using the gay alibi. She may never have thought he was gay.

Any one or two items of circumstantial evidence do not elicit concerns, the more items present, the more justified the concerns.

It's quite possible nothing improper happened, but the OP (IMHO) is justified in being alarmed.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I believe polygraph test run around $500


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Poly the WW.

DNA the kids.

Your gut got you here. The Gut is never wrong. This is why you still dwell on it years later. Time to get the truth out and rest only peace of mind can bring.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

go to your local police precinct---they will get you set up, in re: the polygraph--------

Your sub--conscious is obviously not gonna let this go---so just do it

Your wife has no complaint coming---as it was her that brought on this situation in the 1st place---she brought men into your home, and bedroom---and yes the lover was in your bedroom, otherwise how would that receipt have gotten there----had your wife seen it---it would have been thrown away----as to the guy being gay---he may be---that doesn't mean a gay male won't have sex with a female

If your wife did have sex with this guy, all those many years ago---she has been cheating on you THE WHOLE TIME---in that she is LYING BY OMISSION---and that is cheating----so your mge for the last 9 yrs, and the having of your kids---IS JUST ONE BIG FALSITY---( I don't think you can find that anywhere in the English language, but you know what I mean)

Do what you gotta do---if you demand and set up the poly---she may confess prior to the actual taking of the poly---in that case, be prepared, and know how you are gonna proceed at that time

Good luck to you---however you proceed.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I usually think the whole polygraph is stupid.... But in this instance, being so long ago and no other way to verify, I say have her take one. 

And if you do the polygraph, ask about the nine years between then and now. 

I'm a female and I don't think your wife is being honest. 

I would have told my husband prior to any men coming over to burn cd's that they were coming over. Her only telling you things when you ask her and not offering up an account of her actions is a red flag. 

Let us just assume it was only a kiss. Women who think a kiss is no big deal or an ego boost or nothing important, usually do something like this more than once. 

One of my cheating friends kisses guys all the time while drunk and at parties. She's been married 20 years and just brushes it off to being drunk. 

I think your wife MAY have more to account for than just one kiss. 

Start by asking her to take a polygraph to help you ease your mind and see how she reacts.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes schedule the poly if for no other reason than to see her reaction and maybe the possible pre-poly parking lot confession.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You can paternity test the kids with or without her. I used GTLDNA. You can google them or google paternity tests to see other options. It should cost right around a hundred bucks. You can do it the test privately and pain free from your home. Very simple to do and worth the peace of mind.

I would also polygraph her. She may get upset- you should be upset over her cheating- kissing is cheating. What reason did he have to be next to your bed with you out of town while he was visiting your wife? Her willingness to help you work towards resolving the issue will speak volumes. Do not bluff though- schedule the test and be prepared for a parking lot confession.

It is still nagging you because it doesn't make sense and you do not have all of the facts. Rug sweeping will do that to you. Resolve it now so it doesn't haunt you again for years to come.

Good luck
WD


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I'd like to know about what happened. Trust your gut and act on it. What's with all the banned members? Just noticing them now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

His last activity:

_Last Activity: 06-13-2014 08:47 AM_

He hasn't even logged in to look or even lurk in the forum in a month and a half. Typical poster who didn't read what he wanted to read. I doubt he did anything and is taking his WW's word for it. 

He simply swept it under the rug. Yet he can't let it go, which means that resentment and doubt will continue to build and build over the years.

He's going to need DDay#2 or 3, or 4, before he does anything. Its not that uncommon.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I hope he follows through and doesn't just get a bigger rug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"The whole swearing on the kids, I am the one who asked if she would swear on them, swear on her own life."

Totally meaningless when the one doing the 'swearing' is immoral!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

dodge936 said:


> The whole swearing on the kids, I am the one who asked if she would swear on them, swear on her own life.


First off you have to believe that swearing on the kids and lying would cause some bad omen to occur.. So you would have to believe in god and then believe that you or her would incur some wrath from god for lying.. 

So I swear on my kids lives that I am alien from outer space.. 

I will let you know what happens.. As we wait for this bad thing to happen.. 

Part of me feels at this point almost 10 years later, it is time to move on. But I understand that everyone should move on with the TRUTH revealed and behind them.

I can tell you my brother took a polygraph for 10k missing and failed it.. As they kept him in the workplace grilling him unlawfully for 5 hours. They polygraphed someone else later in the day as they waited for that person to come in and then let my brother go home as the other person confessed after failing the polygraph..

I was so pissed, I was gonna go over and lock up everyone one involved for unlawful imprisonment, but my brother had 3 kids at the time and needed the job and wanted me to drop it. But I can tell you he was visibly upset over the whole experience for days.. He cried over it.. 

So lets go 2 ways with this..

She takes it and fails.. What then ? Do you leave her ? Do you call her a lying Kunt and every other name in the book ?.. 

She takes it and passes.. What then ? Do you move on from this all and suck it up, accept it as truth ?.. 

Either way regardless, this is on you.. If this other man has any common sense he will tell you *"I never had sex with your wife but I did kiss her"*.. I am pretty sure your wife already *YEARS* ago instructed him on what to say.. 

Go to therapy and Marriage counseling with your wife and figure out how to get past this.. 

Plus I am pretty sure there are other things you guys can fight over besides this.. 

Plus a therapist or marriage counselor might be able to extract this information that you are failing to do all these years.. Plus they will be able to help you both deal with this and prepare you for any truths that come out.

In the end its not her telling you the truth, its how your will handle it.. Seeing that you are still fighting over this 10 years later shows me at least that you will handle any truth of her having an affair 10 years ago, poorly.. Again not saying there is any good way of dealing with it.. So I can see why she might be very afraid to tell you the truth.. She knows how much your hurt over suspecting her. Imagine how hurt you will be to know the truth..

But there does come a point where you will need to let this go to move on with your marriage and your life.. 

Again part me feels you should have gotten your answers long ago instead of waiting 10 years.. 

Unless you suspect your wife of cheating on you still with someone else ?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I think that the OP is going to have to actually catch his wife in the act of "burning CDs" with another man, before he'll do anything about it.

Finding out for sure, or having proof that your wife was cheating is tough. Going on for years unsure and in limbo about it is a whole different brand of personal hell.

It's like a cancer that will slowly eat away at his marriage. It may take years, but the unknown will consume him over time.

Today he thinks his wife may have had sex with the guy that dropped the pay stub. Tomorrow, he may wonder if she had sex with both of them, in his bed.

Not knowing is worse in my book.


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> His last activity:
> 
> _Last Activity: 06-13-2014 08:47 AM_
> 
> ...


Yeah it has been a while since i have been able to get on here, doesnt mean that i havent done anything. dont be so quick to judje, i am still trying to work through this, btw she took poly without a problem and passed


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## dodge936 (Jun 11, 2014)

so it was just a kiss, and now i can let it go and move on with my life


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

dodge936 said:


> Yeah it has been a while since i have been able to get on here, doesnt mean that i havent done anything. dont be so quick to judje, i am still trying to work through this, btw she took poly without a problem and passed


For those that are so quick to dismiss a poly because of the inaccuracy rate; this was a good outcome.

- OP feels better about "likely" getting the truth. An 80 percent chance she is being honest is better than 50/50.

- WW received a deserved consequence.

- WW demonstrated remorse by agreeing to take one.

Good for you dodge.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are no certainties in life I guess. I would take the poly over what anyone says. Yes some may beat them but its the best you can do. I would trust a poly before I would trust twelve jury members with my life.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dodge thanks for the update.
I can't remember have you done any DNA tests?
Sorry I have CRS


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