# What if your language of loves are different?



## SugarMonstaa

I feel like the five languages of love are all important and I'm not just one. I'm all of those and I need a bit of everything.
My language of love is touch but my partner isn't as touchy as he used to be since we first dated. I don't know if grabbing my butt, chest, and smacking my butt counts as physical touch...it's all so jokingly and sexual. He always tries to tickle and poke me or when we hug he makes it sexual. My family isn't affectionate but I am towards my partner.

Anyways if I had to choose his language of love he might be an act of service guy and time together but I don't count it as that special. Because he "serves" everyone including friends and family. If my tire is flat he will go out and change it for me. But he would do the same to his family so I feel like it doesn't count, plus he was raised to always help around the house. So he's always cleaning and stuff. 
He knows how much I loved to be touched but it doesn't get through his head. He thinks because I'm cuddling on him that he's cuddling with me and I'm like "no...your arms aren't even around me you're like a tree I'm hugging.." Lol
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## Rayloveshiswife

Have you both taken the love language test 

As far as different love languages. My primary is Words of Affirmation and my wife's primary is Acts of Service. Pretty far apart in my opinion. But that does not matter as long as I know what I have to do to speak love to my wife and she knows what to go to speak love to me. What usually ends up causing problems is a spouse will try to show love using their primary love language not knowing that their spouse does not feel love the same way they do. As long as you both know how to speak love to the other, you will be fine.
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## Cosmos

You have to know and understand one another's love languages and be prepared to learn to speak one another's language in order for this to work. My SO have different love languages, but finding out what those love languages are makes all the difference.


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## SugarMonstaa

Cosmos said:


> You have to know and understand one another's love languages and be prepared to learn to speak one another's language in order for this to work. My SO have different love languages, but finding out what those love languages are makes all the difference.


I think I'll ask him to take the test today lol. I think his will be act of service..
But do you guys consider "touch" language of love with his tickles, butt /chest grabbing, "wrestling" in his own weird way? Honestly the last time he really wanted to cuddle was when he was gone for four days and we couldn't really talk...or when his grandma was very ill and he wanted me to hold him.
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## romantic_guy

Mine are physical touch and quality time. My wife's are words of affirmation and acts of service. Each person must go outside of his or her comfort zone and learn to speak that other's love language. It is not easy, but so necessary.


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## SugarMonstaa

romantic_guy said:


> Mine are physical touch and quality time. My wife's are words of affirmation and acts of service. Each person must go outside of his or her comfort zone and learn to speak that other's love language. It is not easy, but so necessary.


Agreed! If you care about that person you should put some effort...I'll update you guys! Thank you.


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## Weathered

It's more than just going out of your way to meet the needs and talk the love language of your spouse, it's also about having the heart of servitude towards your spouse, willing (even eager) to do the things that actually mean something to your spouse, because their joy strengthens the relationship and eventually becomes yours.


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## mablenc

Yeah it's no about having the same one it's about understanding each other's love language.
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## badcompany

I think there is value in having them be the same, as well as understanding your partners needs when there is differences.
I'm a touch, quality time, and words of affirmation person, my stbxw was gifts and services. I would do my best to meet her needs but mine were not being met, nor would she take them seriously. Needless to say it didn't work out.


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## Insanity

I also find love language can change from season to season. It's not locked in stone. Ongoing communication is key to staying "current" with one's partner's needs - and vise versa.


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## SugarMonstaa

So I didn't get the chance to remember for him to take the test. Last night I was crying in the living room silently. I told him I'm sad and not happy with the marriage because he never shows me affection or makes me feel special. I said I need for him to kiss me, hug me, touch me, say I'm beautiful like he used to. I tell him how handsome and sexy he is...

He thinks he tries. I said I feel he doesn't...what has he done to show me love? He thinks marrying me was enough and living together! Really? I told him it's so important for me to have him show more affection. It's so hard talking to him because he gets super quiet and I practically have to pry him open with questions asking him "well what are you feeling?" Or "what do you think?" And he'll just say a few words. It's so frustrating!

He said he will try. What steps should I go from here now? Try to make him get in the habit of giving me a kiss or hug? I mean do I have to tell him? It seems like he doesn't try but he thinks he does

He always mentions how sexy and cool his car looks. I just wish he would compliment me as often as his freaking car.
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## Cosmos

SM, the trouble is your H probably attracted you in the first place because he met your love languages. Once married, he mistakenly thought that having met the criteria to 'win' your love, it was no longer necessary to keep doing these things (because he'd 'proved' his love by asking you to marry him), but you now feel 'bereft' of those things because they made you feel loved.

It was only after doing the LL quiz that my SO realized that all his gifts and acts of service had little impact on my 'Love Bank,' whereas words of affirmation, quality time and touch impacted hugely!

See: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html


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## being the best me

I think you both need to work on each other love language. You need to identify what each of you like, then work on meeting those needs. When that happens you'll become closer.


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## SugarMonstaa

Cosmos said:


> SM, the trouble is your H probably attracted you in the first place because he met your love languages. Once married, he mistakenly thought that having met the criteria to 'win' your love, it was no longer necessary to keep doing these things (because he'd 'proved' his love by asking you to marry him), but you now feel 'bereft' of those things because they made you feel loved.
> 
> It was only after doing the LL quiz that my SO realized that all his gifts and acts of service had little impact on my 'Love Bank,' whereas words of affirmation, quality time and touch impacted hugely!
> 
> See: The Love Bank


Great site! I actually stumbled upon that a few days ago before you even suggested it. Here is a similar situation this women is facing

How to Meet the Need for Affection Letter #1

Do you think it's a good start to follow this? I was thinking of having my hubby read it and take the test so maybe he'd get a better understanding. Maybe start by having him reciprocate the affection.

Example: When I hug him, it's like a tree now. He usually doesn't put his arms around me back or jokes around and smacks my butt while doing so...

What I can do is tell him what I'd like...and see if he cares to keep doing it that way.


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## yeah_right

We are different, but we have made it a point to try to do things for each other based on our love languages. Sometimes it's not easy, but in this case the work is worth the reward. We have had lots of improvement in the relationship by keeping each others' needs in mind.


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