# No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)



## sandalsinthesnow (Nov 25, 2011)

This is going to be long, I apologize in advance, but I have reached an impasse in my marriage ...

A bit of background: been married 3 years, together for 7. 

My husband has never been very interested in sex with me, although in the beginning we had our moments. But, the last time he initiated sex with me was three years ago, one time on our honeymoon.

He has also rejected me every single time I have attempted to have sex with him ... on his birthday, when I "surprised" him in lingerie he got angry and said I was being selfish and ruined his birthday, since he wanted to leave to go out to dinner. That was the last time I tried to initiate, a couple of years ago.

At first I thought he just had a low sex drive. Then I discovered the porn. He has a significant stash of it, and is still buying more. I have also found extensive lists of women he keeps (various porn stars), I assume for videos he wants to buy.

I have confronted him on this issue many times. He usually gets angry at first, then acknowledges my feelings and says he will try to make changes.

I should add, about two years ago he started coming to bed at 2, 3, 4 am because, I found out, he was upstairs watching porn. Now, at his choice, he sleeps on the couch while I sleep in our room. We have not shared a room in 5 months, again all at his doing. The other day I found about 20 porn videos stashed under the couch, big surprise.

Obviously, as a woman, the lack of intimacy (and deceitfulness on his part) is tearing me apart. I used to take it personally, and long questioned why he wasn't interested in me, even though I am only 32 and in good shape. I now realize it is his issue, not mine ... but I am still lonely and only beginning to recover my self-esteem. 

I have come to the realization that he has no intention of stopping this, despite the many, many conversations. I told him today that I could not continue our relationship as it is, that it is just too hurtful, and we are living together as roommates. I should add, the rest of our marriage is decent, and there are many things about him that I love ... he is romantic in his own way, and often tells me he loves me, is lucky to have me ... and I believe that he does love me.

Still, when I told him he needs to get rid of the porn, stop clearing the history on his phone and computer (which he does daily, b/c of the porn), come back to our bedroom and commit to reestablishing our intimate life, he told me he will not stop looking at porn. He also refuses to go to counseling, which I also said we needed.

So, I told him if that was his choice I would be filing for a separation. I don't want a divorce, we have a child together and I hoped would have more, but I don't know what else to do. I'm at a complete loss. Any advice, insights or thoughts very much appreciated ...


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Well, you already gave him the ultimatum and he made his decision. Your going to find life a lot easier to deal with in the future if you woman-up and follow through with the consequences.
In regards to the seperation over divorce, I would want to raise my children in the most emotionally stable environment possible. Depnding on how you and your H get along, divorce may be the best option for the child.

You cannot change him, or force him into anything. All you can do is yourself. You need to be willing to move forward, even if your partner is not.


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## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

I feel your pain. It's so incredibly painful when the man you love (and fancy) no longer wants intimacy with you but is happily carrying on with his own libido. It makes you feel half a woman and if you have kids, like me, you probably think the only role you're fulfilling is that of a mother. 

I am in the same dilemma as to what to do. I love him and he loves me but I don't think it's likely that the spark will ever come back. The more rejected you feel, the more needier you become and that's not attractive to him either. Some people can and do survive in sexless marriages, I'm sure, but I think only people who have very strong self-esteem. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

IMO I think you made a good choice by filing for separation. Life is to short to be in a marriage that is one sided. Obviously he has a problem. He may or may not wake up and realize it. Even if he does, it might be to late. 

Right now it seems he is making his choice. Until he sees there is a problem there isn't much you can do, but go with the separation and go about your life with your child. I'm assuming he had this porn issues before you all married?


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## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

I'm in a similar situation except that I'm a man, and its my wife who's lost all interest in sex. I also like porn but only soft porn and only as a last resort. My wife seems to have lost all interest in sex since we became parents (see my other post). She has only given the usual reasons for lack of sex (too tired, stressed, feels too ugly etc) but I seem powerless to fix any of it no matter what I do, she's simply not interested any more.

I think it will take a proverbial rocket up your man's arse to change his behaviour. Leave him, take your child, and warn your man that HE will have to explain to his child why you left. That's my take anyway.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

And some people say that porn isn't the issue.. I beg to differ..

Porn causes issues in a marriage. Big issues... (Especially when the woman want sex all the time.) You take a woman with high self esteem and high self worth. Over time it crumbles. They are left wondering what went wrong. The woman thinks it is her, when it isn't. When he choose a fake woman on a computer screen over a real one there is a HUGE problem.

I have lived in a sexless marriage (6 times a year), due to the porn use of my H. I told my husband if porn was worth loosing his family over, then to continue what he was doing. I gave him the i am leaving if things continue and I really was going to follow through with it.. 

You have already given him an ultimatum and he didn't follow through with it.. The only thing you can do now is leave with your child. Maybe by you leaving he will see what he has lost and stop doing what he is doing.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

This epidemic is so out of control and it makes me so sick. They use every excuse in the book to justify their porn addiction. This is part of the reason why I hate society. Porn is so mainstream now that men feel entitled to it.


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## sandalsinthesnow (Nov 25, 2011)

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate all of them. It does help to know others are in the same boat. I haven't followed through with the separation yet ... it is still just a "threat" now.

He is acting as though he will not give in to my request to get rid of the porn on principle that I should not be giving him "ultimatums" ... but it only came to that because he did nothing to change things on his own. It's as though he won't do it because that would mean "giving in" to my "threat." It's just this ongoing circle... and then he says things like, how do I expect that things will ever get better if I keep pointing out what's wrong with him, etc... and placing the blame on me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FormerlyCareFree said:


> This epidemic is so out of control and it makes me so sick. They use every excuse in the book to justify their porn addiction. This is part of the reason why I hate society. Porn is so mainstream now that men feel entitled to it.


Yep.

OP, I'd kick him out or leave. This marriage is a sham.


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## sandalsinthesnow (Nov 25, 2011)

ladybird said:


> You take a woman with high self esteem and high self worth. Over time it crumbles. They are left wondering what went wrong. The woman thinks it is her, when it isn't. When he choose a fake woman on a computer screen over a real one there is a HUGE problem.


Yes, this! Ladybird, did you end up leaving?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

sandalsinthesnow said:


> Yes, this! Ladybird, did you end up leaving?


No I didn't leave. I had made all the arrangement to do so.. I called my mother and told her everything that was going on. Asked her if my son and I could stay with her for a little while, until I could get a job and get my own place. I have had enough of it.

Hubby assured me that he would stop.. So far there has been none of it and i do check. (There are ways to check even if the history has been deleted.) I told him if i find it again that he will not have anymore chances, this is his last and I will walk out the door and never look back.


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