# the spouse of an alcoholic



## justtrying10

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and we have a 3 month old baby. He had problems with alcohol since before we even met, i didn´t know the gravity of this until the first time i actually saw him drunk, last night. when we had conversations about alcohol before getting married he explained that he used to have an alcohol problem, he used to excuse this with being lonely and away from family and friends and since i don´t drink myself it was hard to imagine how hard it is for my husband not to drink. I for the most part was afraid of his reaction if i told him not to drink, i did not want to give him the idea that i am crossing bounderies about what he can and can´t do. He has been to rehab, and for the most part has refused to go to aa meetings. the truth is that he lies to himself saying that he can drink when he can´t. Last night he went out with a very problematic friend who is cought up on all kinds of drugs and alcohol abuse, pot grower , i don´t think my husband is innocent, i know he wanted to go out with this friend because he wouldn´t say no to consuming alcohol so they use each other to drink, my husband havent drink in a long time and for the most part that we have been married is the first time that this happens. I was very upset last night and tried to have him take a shower , after he came home he didn´t layed in the bed with me , he sneaked to the couch so i wouldn´t notice , this morning all he could say is sorry and he admited that he is an alcoholic and that he should not drink at all, but this isn´t the first time he says so and then tries to convince me that he is okay drinking only in "special " ocassions . 
I have very little experiences about alcohol so i don´t really know what to do or how to get guidance in this matter. I wan´t to help him but i know it is more complicated than that.


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## Married27years

My Dad was an alcoholic and eventually became sober. He knew he could never drink again. Your husband needs to eliminate this friend from his life. He needs to go to AA and never drink even on "special occasions". He is an alcoholic and being sober means not drinking. The fact that he is lying and being sneaky means he knows what he is doing is wrong. If he continues to drink I would make him leave the home. Your baby shouldn't be around him when he is drunk.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I know what you're dealing with. Please look up Al-Anon meetings in your area and attend. Sharing your story will help lift some of the weight from your shoulders. The meetings will help you gain focus on what you need to be doing to help yourself. If you can, Read CoDependent No More. Stop doing things for him that he can do for himself. Don't try to get him into the shower. Don't clean up after him. Don't enable. Do not make excuses for him. Let him feel the consequences of his actions, fully. Unfortunately, this is something that he has to deal with himself. However, you can set boundaries and enforce the consequences should he cross them. You have to follow through on your consequences though otherwise the boundary means nothing. Educate yourself on how alcoholics process alcohol differently than an non-alcoholic. Some people do not believe that it is a disease but I do. Understanding it will help you. 

My H is an alcoholic and believes that he can "control" it by drinking 2-3 days a week. This past week, it was 4 nights/days straight and that is tough for me to deal with. The problem is that once he starts drinking, he has an extremely hard time stopping. Everything gives him a reason to drink. I live my life 1 day at a time. I was too overwhelmed by trying to determine the future with him. You have a child with him and that makes it a little more complicated for you. Feel free to PM me.


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## jimrich

justtrying10 said:


> My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and we have a 3 month old baby. Your #1 obligation in any union is to the health and well-being of your kids, so, focus on the welfare of your child and that will tell BOTH of you what to do and how to behave. He had problems with alcohol since before we even met, i didn´t know the gravity of this until the first time i actually saw him drunk, last night. when we had conversations about alcohol before getting married he explained that he used to have an alcohol problem, he used to excuse this with being lonely and away from family and friends and since i don´t drink myself it was hard to imagine how hard it is for my husband not to drink. Alcoholics have millions of EXCUSES for their drinking! I for the most part was afraid of his reaction if i told him not to drink, i did not want to give him the idea that i am crossing bounderies about what he can and can´t do. Think of your child's welfare and then you won't be so afraid of your husband.He has been to rehab, and for the most part has refused to go to aa meetings. the truth is that he lies to himself saying that he can drink when he can´t. Last night he went out with a very problematic friend who is cought up on all kinds of drugs and alcohol abuse, pot grower , i don´t think my husband is innocent, i know he wanted to go out with this friend because he wouldn´t say no to consuming alcohol so they use each other to drink, my husband havent drink in a long time and for the most part that we have been married is the first time that this happens. I was very upset last night and tried to have him take a shower , after he came home he didn´t layed in the bed with me , he sneaked to the couch so i wouldn´t notice , this morning all he could say is sorry and he admited that he is an alcoholic and that he should not drink at all, but this isn´t the first time he says so and then tries to convince me that he is okay drinking only in "special " ocassions .
> I have very little experiences about alcohol so i don´t really know what to do or how to get guidance in this matter. I wan´t to help him but i know it is more complicated than that. *Help your baby instead!* Think of what is best for you innocent, dependent child and it will be clear what you need to do to PROTECT your kid from this irresponsible alcoholic!!!!


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## Ronald Lane

For the love of your child you have to lay down the law NOW to your husband: rehab and/or AA NOW and no alcohol whatsoever, or you are out! I am the product of an abusive alcoholic father and the effects of it plague to me to this day. 

I have a thread in the separation forum describing the ongoing demise of my marriage which is largely my wife's fault but in which I do share responsibility due to my difficulty in empathizing/connecting with/loving another person. It is a horrible state of affairs, and I have been going to ACoA meetings for two years which helps, but honestly I do not believe I will ever be rid of the character defects that stem from the way I was raised.

Listen to the other posters and get the alcohol out of your marriage. There is still hope, as your child is baby and does not yet know what is going on . Do it NOW.


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## carmstro101

Ronald,
You are SOOOOO right with your advice and I truly hope that Just trying will heed your advice. The "only" way she and her child will be safe and happy is to totally eliminate the alcoholic from their lives. Hard to do? Of course it is, but a lifetime and the ruination of a child's life is so much harder and worse. I hope you someway can find some peace, I'm still working on mine too.


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## carmstro101

Justtrying,
Sorry you are going through this. It's really tuff, I know. Actions speak louder than words. I've learned (through many years) that words seldom mean much when dealing with an alcoholic. They will say anything and make any excuse for their behavior unfortunately but unless they back those words up with solid action, which takes time and a lot of effort, the words are meaningless.
I am sorry if that comes across negative but unfortunately it is a true fact. The fact that you have a little one that if you do not "fix" your life, the baby will be effected and that is ALWAYS a negative effect on the kids as you've heard other posters say it has damaged their lives tremendously.
I know to well how hard it can be to make that change but, where there is a will...there is a way. Both you and your child deserve a happy and healthy life. That life will never be fulfilled with an alcoholic unless they actually "show" you that they are changing and honestly "do" change from an alcoholic to a person that actually cares more about you and your child than they do the bottle. Sorry is a word that no longer counts for me...heard it too many times. Any one can say the word but it takes a lot of effort to follow that word up with action which is the only "proof" that is real.


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## Beach123

When the alcohol is more important than you/your daughter - it's time for you to make a decision to stay or leave the marriage.

This is a boundary. You live by this boundary. Don't hesitate on consequences - but since you seem afraid of him it may be healthier to end the marriage now. No marriage should include being afraid of another partner. It should make you feel safe and protected.

Some good books have been suggested - and al-anon - do those as well.

You can't change him (he may always drink) but you can change this for yourself/your child.

Don't hesitate. Waiting sends him a message that his drinking is acceptable for you. Get busy doing things to change this for your future! Hurry!


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## aine

justtrying10 said:


> My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and we have a 3 month old baby. He had problems with alcohol since before we even met, i didn´t know the gravity of this until the first time i actually saw him drunk, last night. when we had conversations about alcohol before getting married he explained that he used to have an alcohol problem, he used to excuse this with being lonely and away from family and friends and since i don´t drink myself it was hard to imagine how hard it is for my husband not to drink. I for the most part was afraid of his reaction if i told him not to drink, i did not want to give him the idea that i am crossing bounderies about what he can and can´t do. He has been to rehab, and for the most part has refused to go to aa meetings. the truth is that he lies to himself saying that he can drink when he can´t. Last night he went out with a very problematic friend who is cought up on all kinds of drugs and alcohol abuse, pot grower , i don´t think my husband is innocent, i know he wanted to go out with this friend because he wouldn´t say no to consuming alcohol so they use each other to drink, my husband havent drink in a long time and for the most part that we have been married is the first time that this happens. I was very upset last night and tried to have him take a shower , after he came home he didn´t layed in the bed with me , he sneaked to the couch so i wouldn´t notice , this morning all he could say is sorry and he admited that he is an alcoholic and that he should not drink at all, but this isn´t the first time he says so and then tries to convince me that he is okay drinking only in "special " ocassions .
> I have very little experiences about alcohol so i don´t really know what to do or how to get guidance in this matter. I wan´t to help him but i know it is more complicated than that.


I am so sorry that you are going through this just after having a baby too. Your H is most definitely an A, his denials about the impact of alcohol, the rehab, the attempt to control alcohol intake (which never works for an A), the sneaking off to drink, the refusal to admit they have a problem. 
Just remember, it is not your fault, you did not cause his drinking, you cannot cure his drinking and you cannot force him to do anything he wont do. He refuses to go to AA meetings, which is not a good sign. Untreated alcoholism is a progressive disease and only gets worse unless the person themselves decides they have a problem. This disease will also become your disease as you grapple to control his drinking, attempt to find his alcoholic, moniter his activities, keep what he says straight in your head, it becomes a whole scenario of crazy making until everyone in the family is sick.

Get yourself to Al-Anon immediately, should be one in your area. I know you have a young kid but this is important. They will help teach you ways to help yourself, you are gonna need them if you stay with this man. Join Soberrecovery.com friends and family for some great advice from people in the same position. 
Start to detach from your AH, tell him unless he seeks help you will not be fully engaged in the marriage and if he gets worse you intend to save yourself and the baby and will leave. You do not want to wake up 25 years later living in hell. I have lived with an alcoholic, he is now dry and doing AA but there are no guarantees. 
Do not wring your hands wondering what to do, you can only deal with yourself, you cannot make him do anything. We all make the mistake of trying to control the A, it does not work.


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## wringo123

Check into a treatment method called the Sinclair Method. Of course, he will need to be motivated and be willing to participate in some sort of counseling, but it has a very good success rate, much better than AA or 12 step based rehab.


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## Beach123

Actually, when any person gets willing and honest - those 12 steps have a VERY high success rate. It's the ones that are forced to do them that don't want to that make the odds appear so low as far as success.


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