# How to say Goodbye



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Been away for...however long, and for people that don't know the story, you can either read the threads below, or refer to my easy cliff-notes version

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/127314-sons-duties.html (This is where my dad asked me to be the best man in his wedding to the OW and I was, thereby betraying my mom. And I think we punched each other. Can't remember)
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/231722-rejected-both-families.html (this is where I got disowned by mom's family, and mom stopped caring about me. And I became an alcoholic. Hooray!)
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/255802-not-even-part-either-family.html (this is the part where we find out my dad, isn't actually my dad! And the alcohol-soaked fallout of a kid, or a man, whatever, discovering that!)

So, non-bio dad said goodbye to me in March, 2015 after the second DNA test came back negative. His last words to me were "I'm going to forget you."

I attempted to reach out through various channels, mainly friends over the years, but got nothing. I can't really ask the family as that bridge has been burned. By both sides. 


Anyway, it finally got back to me that non-bio-dad is in the hospital! Has been for over a week! I keep trying to figure out how serious it is, but can't get anything. No idea if it's cancer, stroke, or...other reasons people go to hospitals. 
I figured out which hospital, and where, etc., 

I don't know how serious it is. Could be lethal, could be a migraine. 
But if it's lethal, I want to say goodbye. Or at least see him one last time. Regardless of everything we did to each other, of all the crap we put each other through, he still raised me as a father for roughly 19 years. 

My question is, should I? His last words were to forget me. I doubt he has, but maybe he is happy? He hasn't called, so maybe he doesn't want? Maybe he does? Is there a way to find out? 

And because I'm sure it will come up, no, I am not drinking. I have gotten much better control over it, and am currently getting in-shape for the ghetto semi-pro football league I play in, so haven't had a drink in 2-months.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think you do what you gotta do. It feels like you want to say good-bye, maybe out of morbid curiosity, maybe for closure, maybe to see who's left in his life. Maybe to rub it in that you turned out OK after all that crap.

If you feel like you're in a good stable place, where nothing he says is going to bug you, go for it. And of course, report back.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> I think you do what you gotta do. It feels like you want to say good-bye, maybe out of morbid curiosity, maybe for closure, maybe to see who's left in his life. Maybe to rub it in that you turned out OK after all that crap.
> 
> If you feel like you're in a good stable place, where nothing he says is going to bug you, go for it. And of course, report back.


I want to find out if it's serious. And...should the worse come to pass, I want to say goodbye, or a chance to say goodbye. I would want a photo of him. Whether it's healthy or not, I still have some photos and cards of things of the rest of my family. He was the one family member I forgot, or just don't have. 

But, I don't want to hurt him or cause undo pain or...bring up emotional problems that maybe he's worked through and is past. He might still hate me, maybe he misses me, or regrets something. I don't know. 

I don't want to do it just for the popcorn value, or to hurt him. I'd like it to provide some closure, hopefully for both of us.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So sorry for your pain and ongoing situation. Wondering if your not-Dad has been punishing you (whom he loved) for the infidelity of your mom? 

Do what you think is best for you. IMO: Success like yours makes the fact of him not being there his loss even more than yours.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Write him a letter. 

Man I remember you story and have thought about it often. I am glad you are getting better. No matter who your parents are you are your own person worthy of love.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Broken my man, here are the cold hard facts of life. Think back over the last few years at the number of f'd up people you know. They were most likely f'd up by their parents. Life as you and I know it, always has been and always will be dealing with screwed up people. You may as well accept it but don't accept that you've got to follow in any of their footsteps or put up with any of their nonsense. They are who they are and ain't coming close to changing because it upsets you. It always shickles the tit out of me to hear fools saying a child is better off with their parents even when their parents are garbage. Many people would be normal, and perhaps alive today, if they'd been 1,000 miles away from their birth parents.
Now, how to deal with your problem with the guy that raised you for 19 years. My advise is to go see the old bastard. Go for you and not him and be prepared for whatever comes down the pike. Either one of two things will happen and you know what they are. If he rejects you, that his choice but you'll know the f-up in the relationship is him and not you. If it goes south, you're just going to have to quit feeding yourself the notion that you've just got to have mommy and daddy on good terms with you to live a reasonably happy life. Knowing what you know now, just don't be as foolish with your life as your parents were with their's. Keep in mind you're not going fix your dysfunctional, oh the hell with it, f'up parents by killing yourself with booz.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Broken at 20, whatever you do, you need to do it for you.

If you feel the need to visit him in hospital then that's fine. Do that.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I agree with @VladDracul
If you are questioning it now then if he is terminal and you don't go see him you will regret it for the rest of your life. If you do go be well prepared for him to still be a ********* because the odds are good on that, but you will have eased your mind and have left no effort untried.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Found out a friend passed today. 

He was older than me, (despite my username, I'm 27 now...jeez i feel old) but it was sudden. And not significantly older. Maybe 5 or 6 years? 

Went to the hospital. Went inside. Went up to dad's floor. Saw my half sister waiting in the hallway. I headed back to my car, and waited an hour. 

Went back in, went up to his floor, and chickened out. 

Part of me wants to know. Does he want to see me? Does he have anything left to say? If not, would he even let me take picture with him? 
But...I'm scared. 

I kind of want to hang on to the hope that maybe he misses me. But if he did, wouldn't he have called? Or maybe he can't. 

I'm worried that he's moved on. I'm worried it will only hurt. 
And...if it is lethal...I've held onto hope that maybe...years down the road, maybe something will happen and we'll reconnect. This might cut that short. And if it cuts that short, maybe this will never happen. 

I don't know what I want. 
I wish I had more time to figure this out, but I fear every day is borrowed time without knowing what's happening. 

Should I just go tomorrow? Or is this likely to cause more pain? For him and me?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I agree with Matt, do whatever you do for you. Don't do it for him or anybody else. If you need to contact him or need to find out what his condition is, do it. But I also encourage you to figure out why it is you need to do it. Is it in hopes he says something to reduce the hurt of what he did/said in the past? If so, bad idea. You probably won't get that kind of response from him. If you need to just tell him thanks for raising you, or whatever, then ok go ahead and tell him (but don't expect any positives from him back to you!).

Ok, here is a bit of a weird take on something. You have a lot of years left in your life. If he is terminal and will die soon, he has little time left. Your long term happiness outweighs his short term unhappiness from you contacting him. What I mean is, if you will gain some kind of significant positive from having contact with him, then that is more important than if the contact makes him unhappy. Basically, your decades of relief outweigh his weeks of unhappiness.

Not that I am endorsing making him more miserable! Just that a few weeks of him being miserable is a justifiable tradeoff rather than you being miserable for decades instead.

You can never predict how he might react to you contacting him, so don't have any expectations. And don't beat yourself up afterwards if his reaction is negative.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Broken, don't give him the satisfaction of rejecting you again. I get it your a human with feelings but, just don't. You have overcome so many things. Take things for what they are damn crappy, and believing in your self is the only thing that matters. And your non-biodad asked you to stand up for him the nerve. If he wanted to see you he'd ask.

Move on and to hell with him and his last of days, if you continue to allow the crazys to validate your feelings STOP!!! You don't need them, move on get up tomorrow and voe to yourself never to make mistakes like you were giving. PERIOD end of that old story. You beat alot in your young life, give yourself a pat and do 1 thing really nice for your self. 

Don't go my friend, you'll regret this like most things in your life.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> Does he want to see me? Does he have anything left to say? If not, would he even let me take picture with him?
> But...I'm scared.


Does he want to see you is not important. The question is "Do you want to see him?". If you think its bad now, how bad do you think its going to be if seeing, and perhaps talking to him is no longer something that's a option. Do you really want to be asking yourself several years from now if you made a mistake by not trying? If worse comes to worse and he rejects you, accept it and don't return for another ass kicking. Look up and read John 8:32 Dawg. It applies to you as much as anybody I've ever seen ( or heard about).


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

The hell with that type of forgiveness, your not Jesus and when he does get judged hell stand for his own choices. He doesn't deserve your blessing.


----------



## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Vlad's right on this. Go see him.
Many times in life, things are said in a moment of pain.
Imagine what it was like for him to find out you aren't his son.
If he passes and you don't see him, I think you'd be sorry.
Best of luck for the both of you.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds like you are doing well for yourself right now which is a very good thing. 

I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you that my father had very little to do with me for many years. He was a raging alcoholic and when he remarried after my parents divorce he just fell out of my life as his new family became his focus. About a month before he died, he told my half sister to tell me that he wanted to see me. I never contacted him and he died without ever telling me what he wanted to talk to me about. 

It was my biggest regret in life for many years. I found out many years later that he had wanted to make sure I knew that some money he owed me from many years earlier would be paid to me by his wife from the insurance settlement. I spent years thinking he wanted to talk about us, tell me he loved me, something along those lines and regretting giving up my chance to hear it. Instead, it was about money. Money I had forgotten he even owed me. And to boot, his wife never did pay me the money. 

My point is that you never know what someone is thinking until you hear it from them directly. You won't know how your Dad is feeling about you unless you speak to him about it. This may be your last chance. But, you may hear something you really don't like. If you aren't prepared to deal with that, let it go. 

No matter what you choose to do, I wish you well.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's as NMJ, has said but in her instance he asked for her. He hasn't asked for you. I just trying to save you more grief, what if you go and he still tosses that look of digust and anything else. I'll bow out because I lived it.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Broken at 20

I want to echo what @notmyjamie said. In my own story, my mother beat me and my father is an alcoholic. They divorced when I was 18yo and when my kids were about 5 and 3...maybe 6 and 4...he asked if they could come stay with him and his new wife for a week in the summer (several states away). I was not comfortable sending my very young children several states away to stay for a long time with an active alcoholic BY THEMSELVES, so I told him I would be willing to send them a) if he stopped drinking for that week, or b) if I came with them for the week. 

That is the last time he ever spoke to me and my kids are now 33 and 31. 

In my heart I WISH that my parents loved me. In reality, I think my mom *THINKS* she loves me, but what she really does is try to manipulate me into doing what she wants me to do. In reality, my dad doesn't make the effort to write, email, call or text...so by his actions he just doesn't love me (even though he may claim to have some feeling or other). I don't wish either one any ill will, but I do sometimes WISH that they wanted to make things right or say they regretted how they treated me, etc. Know what? That's not reality. That's not their choice. 

So my thought for you would be to figure out for yourself if YOU NEED TO SEE HIM. Maybe you need it for you. Maybe you want to say one last thing to him. Maybe YOU need to have that one last opportunity to say "I gave him every chance." If you decide that YOU need to see him because you need it--then I would recommend that you go, on your terms. Be brave and do what you have to do. 

But I would not go with the thought that "....maybe he ____" thinking maybe he'll want to talk or maybe he needs to see you, etc. Who knows if he does or does not, but he may be looking for what you are hoping for. Make sense? If he was, he's a grown man and he could reach out to you. It's commendable you'd be willing to reach out an olive branch, but just be prepared so that may not be where HE is at.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So I went to the hospital. I bought Star Wars VI, and thought maybe we could watch it. 

And I had a bunch of other stuff that planned that I might do if dad was...receptive.

That was until I ran into OW, or his now wife, in the elevator. (then again, I was at the wedding. And in it)


She asked me what I was doing there, why I was there, who told me. And I guess my answers were unsatisfactory. 
And she told me to leave, and that my non-dad didn't want to see me, why would he want to see some illegitimate spawn (but she didn't use illegitimate), and how I was some little demon or something, don't remember exactly. I...may have started crying. 

So...after composing myself in my car, I came home. 

Looking back on it, she seemed hysterical. Given that I'm a guy, and not really in touch with my emotional side, or caring side, apart from when it comes to my dad, it makes me think that whatever is afflicting dad might be lethal, and this is a hysterical woman flailing at anything. I do know her kids have moved several states away, so he (dad) is all she has left. And he told her about us not being related. 

I want to try and see dad still, I just didn't think I'd need to avoid so many people. 

The things she said to me, were those things that Dad would've said? Or just her being upset and angry? Maybe he's changed? 

He said he'd forget me several years ago, maybe things changed. What is a man supposed to say when he finds out his son isn't his? After spending most of his life raising him. Besides, if he is...going downhill, would he really spend his days cursing me? 

Or am I just grasping at straws at this point?


----------



## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Hey..... glad to hear your life is getting pretty stable. Think about you every so often. In case you don't remember, I'm the local guy who's son was considering an MBA from your college....

My best advice is to decide why you really want to contact him. I worry that you are hoping that he will now prove he actually loves you from his deathbed. What he may really do is hurt you one last time, and reject your attempt to talk. Do the cost/benefit analysis, and make sure you can handle him once again being a jerk. Take care....


----------



## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Wow, you should go back.
You should have pissed on her shoes in the elevator.

On another note, I'm sensing you could be a bit of a doormat. Not putting you down. Maybe just opening up a window for possibly a positive change.

Download and read, 'No More Mr. Nice Guy', it's a quick read and might be something you could use to your benefit.

I wish you the best. Her, not so much.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Next time call the floor station ahead of time and ask if he has visitors. You don't want any spectators hanging around anyway. If it would have be me, I'd told her for an old *****, she has a nice ass. (even if it wasn't true)
BTW, never listen to what someone tells you about how someone else feels. At best youre hearing their perspective. Check it out for yourself.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Broken at 20, I don’t know your backstory, as I wasn’t around back then, but am so sorry for all that you’re going through. I’m with @VladDracul, next time, call the floor reception ahead of time to see if he has visitors. Much luck to you with your visit, and please keep us in touch here.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wish I had better news. 

I followed the forums advice (for once)! To a certain degree? 
Dad had no visitors at the time. 

So I went to meet him. 

And I got to the door of his room. 

Wish I had better news than that. A better ending. But I don't. I probably stared at that damn door for 5 minutes. Or hell, maybe it was an hour. Who knows anymore. 
Why is this so damn hard!? Why am I so damn weak!? 

In that stupid ghetto football I play, I willingly face guys with 100lbs. on me (dive for the legs!) Yet this scares me. Hooray for irony. 


So to make a long story short, my half-sister found me (for those that don't know, she is probably the only person that I am, in anyway related to, that doesn't hate me). Standing outside the door. Looking like an idiot. 
She, half-literally, dragged me to the food court for a talk. 

We had a...semi-long, unpleasant dinner. Her getting mad at me. 
Some people may criticize me for abandoning her. 

My opinion is: if she maintained contact with me, she might've become the next black sheep of the family. And I didn't want that. And I couldn't handle the truth. How does one stare at their sister, and think, "I'm only half-related to you. Assuming our mother wasn't as big a sl!t as...uh...someone else?" It just made it hard. I didn't want to tell her. 
If she willingly, and stupidly, knowing what happened to me, followed me into the abyss, that's her fault. Granted, no idea what her situation is, so I don't care. 

Why is it so dam hard to see a man in the hospital who you're not related to!? 
And yes, I drank some tonight. A friend died this week, my half-sister yelled at me, and my step mom called me a [email protected]@rd spawn, so bite me. Oh, and my team is in the Superbowl. So take that.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Wish I had better news.
> 
> I followed the forums advice (for once)! To a certain degree?
> Dad had no visitors at the time.
> ...


You did to her what your dad did to you. You _know_ how that feels. Of course people are going to criticize you for it. All that bull **** "justification" you spewed about "protecting her" is just you trying to make yourself feel better for treating her just as badly as your dad treated you. Grow the **** up and fix your relationship with her.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Send him a card.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It takes more than sperm to make a father a Dad. Some fathers never get the hang of it. 

In your heart, he has always been your Dad and always will be. Go see him - for you if not for him. Tell him that you just wanted to check on your Dad and you'll leave if you're making him uncomfortable. Tell him that he may not want to recognize you as his son; but, he'll always be your Dad. Keep your expectations low as the purpose of your going is to set your mind at ease - not to rekindle the relationship. That would be great if it happened - just don't pin any hopes on it. 

Lose the 'black sheep' descriptor. It isn't a badge of honor. It isn't anything. Good luck.

eta: Why is this thread in the infidelity forum?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Given the saga of your life with your father and the rest of your family, I would agree with @MattMatt.

Send him a card. Go on with your life. Stay away from the booze.

Your story - which I remember well - allows for little else, in my opinion.


----------



## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

I’ll admit I don’t know your full story but your “dad” is very toxic to you it sounds like. I cut my own bio dad out of my life for being a toxic and verbally abusive person who destroyed my mental health at times. Personally I would work on doing that. I’d fix the relationship with half sister but “dad” is a lost cause in my opinion, and you don’t seem like you are able to handle the potential rejection again. Maybe write him a letter and say your peace in it, have it delivered to him. But I think if you go there without his blessing ahead of time he will reject you again and it will hurt, a lot. I am sure OW told him she saw you... if he wanted to see you he would have probably found a way to reach out by now. It isn’t worth your mental health or destroying any healing you’ve done to overcome your previous experiences. So many people think it’s good to face your abuser as an adult because they watch too much TV, but it can cause you a lot of pain. You’ve already drank alcohol again... he’s not worth it.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

do not let people stop you from seeing your dad.

is it correct to assume your mom cheated on your/this dad and this is why you are
an OC from the OM?

for closure you should find out who the bio dad/OM is and find out when and how
your stepdad found out you were not his bio child.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds to me that this man has made his feelings perfectly clear. He wants nothing to do with you. You already know that, hence your inability to walk in the room. You're trying to protect your fantasy that he will embrace you. Anything can happen, but nothing you have written here indicates that is even a remote possibility. Few have the great deathbed epiphany that you see in the movies. 

I'd suggest you let it go. He made his choice. Don't put yourself in a position to be devastated again and go back to the bottle. The fact that he could completely cut you from his life after nearly 20 years as your dad says an awful lot about his character and none of it is good. You said goodbye the day he told you to forget him. Leave it there. 

Perhaps you could put this effort into fixing the relationship with your half-sister. At least she seems to be willing to talk to you.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You seem like a good guy. 

The circumstances you are experiencing are out of your control. You didn’t cause this but you are going to have to deal with it. Not sure there is much you can do here.

Don’t let this define who you are. You are better than the circumstances surrounding your family.

Closure comes from within. Do the best you can then find a way to move forward.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Or am I just grasping at straws at this point?


Yes, you are grasping at straws. I am sorry that this horrid thing has happened in your life where the man who was your father and raised you has clearly and completely rejected you from his life. But he's not rejecting your for anything that is about you as a person. It is that he thought you were one thing ( a result of the union between him and his wife) and turned out not to be what he thought. Instead he found out that his wife had betrayed him and you were the result of that betrayal. You had no part in that whatsoever. Your mother is responsible for the deceit. Your father (and yes, he is the man who you called Dad and who raised you) cannot handle the evil that was done to him, so he has rejected you along with the evil. This is very deep and has nothing to do with you as a person. It is internal to him. You showing up remind him of what was done to him. 

Truly, I think the problem here is that your parents do not have good character. They are not loving people. If they were, you wouldn't be having these problems, because this situation is a result of people behaving badly and not loving others. You are seeking love from people who have none to give. No point in continuing to try to receive something that doesn't exist.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well I did go see dad. It went better than I feared, worse than I hoped. Was about a week ago. 

It wasn't a lovey-dovey, Hallmark-movie, ending. It was probably whatever people on here expected. 

We talked. Took a picture. It was a rather awkward conversation. Like, what do you talk about in this situation? But still, got to talk to him. 

I asked him if there were any regrets. He said his main regret was how coldly he cut everything off. It was a swirl of emotions for both of us. I asked him if that he could, would he go back and change what he said? He said there is no point in wishing to change the past. Answered a lot of my questions like that. 
I asked him if we could maintain contact. He said he didn't want to, or maybe wasn't ready for it yet. He was happy I came to see him, told me so, but that, he isn't ready for that. Maybe never will be. So....there's that. Good to know I guess. 

Like I said, not everything I wanted, but I got something, so there is that. 

So..guess that's the end of the story? Like, it's not going to change from there, is it?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Probably not. Except you now have peace and can go on with your life knowing that you did the decent thing and reached out to him when you thought he was in crisis. You acted like a good son. What he does with that is up to him. 

Stand tall.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well I did go see dad. It went better than I feared, worse than I hoped. Was about a week ago.
> 
> It wasn't a lovey-dovey, Hallmark-movie, ending. It was probably whatever people on here expected.
> 
> ...


Maybe not. But you are the better man, the better person.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well I did go see dad. It went better than I feared, worse than I hoped. Was about a week ago.
> 
> It wasn't a lovey-dovey, Hallmark-movie, ending. It was probably whatever people on here expected.
> 
> ...


Things might no change from here. But give it time, if he has time.

So sad and so unfair to you.

You did the right thing so know that in your heart.


----------



## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Good for you buddy, you did the right thing.


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

broken at 20

In back reading your story, I couldn't find that you had ever told your Mom about knowing that you weren't her husband's son.

Did I miss that or did you just not let her know that you knew?


----------



## HolyPepa (Dec 23, 2019)

Life is unfair! Just keep going and be happy!


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

skerzoid said:


> broken at 20
> 
> In back reading your story, I couldn't find that you had ever told your Mom about knowing that you weren't her husband's son.
> 
> Did I miss that or did you just not let her know that you knew?


I think I posted it somewhere, may have not been on those threads I linked to. 

Anyway, yes, I told her. In a public setting...in a rather...confrontational way. So...that bridge has probably been burned. 

I never told my siblings. 


Haven't talked to mom for a long time. I can't remember last time honestly. I'm fine with it.


----------

