# Wife Says I'm Not Emotionally Supportive



## iluvducatis (Sep 11, 2011)

My wife's mother is dying of cancer. My wife is a mess. Yesterday my wife was telling me how unhappy she is with all the weight she has gained. She says she did yoga yesterday. I tell her yoga isn't going to help her lose weight that she should do cardio and lift weights. I also said she should stop stuffing her face. She snapped at me and said she is so depressed that it's hard to even get up from out of bed. And that she says I could be more encouraging instead of being "mean" to her. I told her I was telling her the truth and she's making every excuse in the book not to intensify her workouts.

Then she tells me that her mother was talking about hospice and advance directives. My wife broke down and cried again. She always pulls her mother into our arguments knowing that I can't say anything about it and I think it's unfair to bring it up. We were talking about exercise and because she doesn't like to hear the truth she brings up her mother.

She tells me I don't know how to be emotionally supportive which is untrue. I tell her I don't know what to say and there's nothing I can do to fix her mother. She says that she needs comfort and sympathy. I give her practical advice but she doesn't want to take it. In addition, I don't want to enable her by being too sympathetic because she will just wallow in her depression.

I am frustrated and I don't know what she wants or how I can give her what she needs.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You sound like a crisp, no-nonsense, Just the Facts sort of person. You need to listen to your wife's emotions and refrain from arguing the facts with her.

Do not say she should stop stuffing her face. She knows this, and you are being disrespectful by minimizing her struggle with weight. When she complains, just listen and do not say anything.

She is trying to tell you that she is hurting, and she wants your sympathy, not your logical facts. No practical advice, just a shoulder to cry and vent on will go further to give her what she needs right now. 

When you listen to her emotions, she will fell that you care about what she is going through. It takes a bit of practice, but your marriage will thrive if you can support her in a way that she understands.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Your not so different from most guys, but you have to understand that women and men talk and reason much different from each other. When you have a problem and you talk about it to a guy around the water cooler, you want advice or a helpful answer. If you didn't, you would have never even considered bringing it up. When a friend tells you about a robbery, you instantly offer useful advice and sometimes hit the internet so you can print out some helpful articles. It would never occure to you to simply nod and walk away.

Women are completely the reverse of this. When they walk up to another woman and tell them about some blood curdling, life altering problem that is completely devastating their lives, the other woman simply pulls out a tissue and acts like they are talking about the weather, or discussing an interesting television show. The woman simply nods, shakes her head, listens, then walks away as if nothing happened. This is the interesting bit. She no longer thinks about anything the woman with the problem said. She is on to the next thing in her day. It would never occur to her that she could offer advice or print some helpful article. 

This is what your wife needs.

When my wife comes to me with problems I continually remind my self that I should behave as if she is is simply telling me about her lunch. I hand her a tissue and nod or shake my head at appropriate points, When the conversation winds down I simply say either; "Well, that's not good." or "Can you believe people?" And this is the important part. I walk away and make a sandwich. Believe it or not, I'm fulfilling her needs.


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## Martina_Mc (Sep 13, 2011)

iluvducatis said:


> My wife's mother is dying of cancer. My wife is a mess. Yesterday my wife was telling me how unhappy she is with all the weight she has gained. She says she did yoga yesterday. I tell her yoga isn't going to help her lose weight that she should do cardio and lift weights. I also said she should stop stuffing her face. She snapped at me and said she is so depressed that it's hard to even get up from out of bed. And that she says I could be more encouraging instead of being "mean" to her. I told her I was telling her the truth and she's making every excuse in the book not to intensify her workouts.
> 
> Then she tells me that her mother was talking about hospice and advance directives. My wife broke down and cried again. She always pulls her mother into our arguments knowing that I can't say anything about it and I think it's unfair to bring it up. We were talking about exercise and because she doesn't like to hear the truth she brings up her mother.
> 
> ...


On the subject of weight gain don't lecture your wife, instead take her out on an active date. Perhaps dancing, indoor wall climbing, a walk etc. Make her a cup of lemon and ginger tea and sweeten it with honey preferably sugar free, it will help to curb her junk food cravings but don't tell her that's why you're doing it.

Make her dinner or cook with her, you need to bond and make her feel good. Make a yummy fresh fruit salad for dessert.

Run a hot bubble bath for her and if she works send her a rose at her workplace with a sweet note.

She knows that you can't fix her mother, just be there for her.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

iluvducatis said:


> She tells me I don't know how to be emotionally supportive which is untrue. I tell her I don't know what to say and there's nothing I can do to fix her mother. She says that she needs comfort and sympathy.


If she said this then it's true for her and that's the only thing that counts here. She is also unusually helpful in telling you exactly what she needs. The least you can do is what she asks.

Without knowing you or her I can only guess but I would guess that she would be comforted by your doing a lot (or all) the work around the house and doing a lot of stuff for her like whatever she asks. Sympathy usually means validating her feelings by having the same feeling yourself and communicating this to her like "I really feel bad about your mom" or "Gosh, I really don't know how something like this could happen"

If it is causing friction, you can't really go wrong with completely avoiding any diet or exercise concern except maybe to tell her she looks good or we'll start things up again after we get through this stuff with your mom.


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