# Wifes 19 YO is a problem



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

(Sorry for the long post)

My wife has 2 sons from a previous marriage ,21 & 19. 21 yo is in college, works, and lives 50 Miles away w/ GPs, so he can be close to school. The 19yo barely graduated this year, failed the army entrances exam, and has never had a job of any kind in his life. He is not a bad kid, but he is the most lazy and unmotivated kid I ever met , he doesnt even have any hobbies or interests, except watching tv.
They never lived w/ us, because they didnt want to move out of their city ,and move to our more suburban neighborhood. Ex husband had full custody when I met her, and she never fought him for it, for reasons I still dont understand. Both children I feel, have had very little structure and rules, in their upbringing ,and are generally ill mannered and irresponsible, especially the 19YO. He came to live w/ us last year so we could help him graduated from HS, which he did thanks to us pushing him. He was supposed to go back to his fathers, and live there after graduation, but now the ex husband says he doesnt want either son living w/ him ,which PEES me off because he was the one, who insisted on custody all these years. Now he wants to drop his little creation off on my doorstep to deal with. Ok fine, but my (and I thought my wifes) rules, are that he moves in with us, and gets a FULL TIME job, and keeps to a reasonably schedule, and work week. All agreed, but the situation now, is that he works a few days PT delivering pizza, and then he disappears to his fathers house for a few days to hang w/ friends. BS!!!!! We told his father hes either living there, or w/ us, but he isnt cooperating.Im not comfortable w/ my house being revolving motel for juvenile delinquents, but my wife told me she isnt giving her 19 yo an ultimatum to follow rules or get out ,so we had a big fight and she says shes getting an APT. because "she picking her son over me" . Ive heard this threat a million Xs from her before, but at this point I dont think I even care if she follows through, cause my patience is at an end w/ this situation. 

Am I being unreasonable ?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

74 views and no one has a opinion?:scratchhead:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think you are just scaring her with the ultimatum idea. maybe you should approach it from a different angle? 

it doesnt sound like the son is the problem. it sounds like neither of his parents are very good at discipline- and that includes your wife. do you guys have kids together? i think your wife just doesnt want to discipline him and probably doesnt think his lifestyle is a problem. if that's the case, and you feel very strongly about not having him coming in and out of your house, then i dont really see a solution other then separating.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Blanca said:


> i think you are just scaring her with the ultimatum idea. maybe you should approach it from a different angle?
> 
> it doesnt sound like the son is the problem. it sounds like neither of his parents are very good at discipline- and that includes your wife. do you guys have kids together? i think your wife just doesnt want to discipline him and probably doesnt think his lifestyle is a problem. if that's the case, and you feel very strongly about not having him coming in and out of your house, then i dont really see a solution other then separating.


:iagree: 100% what the above statement..
My brother-in-law is a 19 year old bum.. he lives with his mom and grandma, off and on probation all the time, hasnt worked enough to actually say he has working experience, off and on pot.. his mom and grandma are disable, so they draw a check and they pay their bills, help pay his probation fine and buy his cigs.. he comes and goes all hrs of the night, his mom says "i cant kick one of my kids out" 

If I were you, I would show some tough love, and if your wife doesnt like it then let her get her an apartment, mama wont be here forever, then what's the kid gonna do? Someone needs to give him a good swift kick in the a$$ and show him just how the real world is.. hope it works out


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## MrsSchaffer (Jun 6, 2009)

For the most part I think you are being somewhat unreasonable. There is no reason for her to try to pick you or her child, because any reasonable mother is going to leave her husband for her child. If you care that little about your wife that you would let her grown child get between you, then it would probably be for the best anyway. 

There is nothing wrong with him going to see his father. You are not a replacement, he is still going to want to go see his father and see his old friends. That is not unreasonable of him. He has a job, not all jobs are going to be set schedules, especially for a job like that. 

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want him to have a job, but I think he needs more motivation, then discipline at this point. He can tell that you look at him like he is worthless. Which is how you are coming across and that is going to do less than you encouraging him to do better. Take real interest in him, and not just fake it. You are his mothers husband. You aren't his father, you never will be and I am sure he has told you that, but you do need to let him know that even though you are not, you are the male authority in the house and you expect him to at least respect you. 

Help him find another or better job. Don't just get mad at him for not having one. I am not saying you should go out and fill out applications for him, but just give him ideas, talk about the jobs, and what he ultimately wants to do. If he is going to act like a kid, it is probably because he wants the attention from his mom that he didn't get while he was with his dad. He is adjusting, and that is going to take a long time, if he ever does truly adjust.

Ultimately it comes down to whether or not the three of you are willing to work things out. Your willingness is going to come down to how much you love your wife. If you love her, you would do whatever it takes to make this better. I do agree with the person above. She may not want to discipline him. She hasn't had him for a few years, or more, she doesn't want him running back to his father and her not getting to see him. Separation may be your only option, but it is up to you. What you do have to remember, is that he may be 19, but he is still a kid. He is probably scared, and hurt and he is going to be rebellious, he just needs someone.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks for the response MS, but you are being a bit presumptuous, in your analysis of the situation. Believe me Im not trying to be anyones father,but how do you know I haven't encouraged the kid to get a better job ? of course I have, its his parent that tolerate his lack of ambition. this kid wouldnt have even graduated if it weren't for me. He is also not going to his fathers house ,to visit his father , he is going there to hang with friends, in the neighborhood where his dad lives, 50 miles away from where we live. Hang out time is over for this kid, hes 19 and hasnt accomplished a darn thing ,except letting the school system push him through after 5 years of HS. He has absolutely no intention of going to college or the military, so he needs to buckle down and work a solid 30-40 hour week like me ,his mom and every other adult is the world. I also find it pretty narrow minded of you to say, if i love my wife I will put up with whatever she, and her son darn well please ...wrong!, it may come as a shock to you, but husbands have rights too , and trust me I aint gonna shrivel up and die w/ out my wife and her baggage in the house. Thanks again though


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Franklin:

I vote with you. 

I have son my dh would NOT have tough love on, beginning at 16....and now he is still in the house at 23! He has FINALLY graduated from college, but he STILL only works part time, and at that age I was working a full time job AND going to college! 

I am the one who moved out. Let your wife move out.

She needs a reality check. I'd rather have a good husband than a bumming 19yo son any day. Tell wife he MUST have full time job, pay rent, and go by RULES.

No free rides in life.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks sandy. Yeah I think alot of kids need a reality check and their enabling parents arent doing them any favors, by tolerating their laziness and lack of ambition.

I must say though, I may have jumped the gun a bit on this one, but then again , mabye some of my b!#ching worked, cause tonight I came home from work ,and for the 1st time this young man was at home after a long day at work ,yes work!!:smthumbup: he said hes starting to make some good tips at his pizza del. job(hey its a start) and hes committed to a 5 day steady work schedule . We had a nice long talk about how much he likes his new job, being productive, and making$$. For the 1st time hes actually showing some self esteem and confidence. I told him I was proud of him, and that I would help him and allow him all household privileges, as long as he continues to work hard, and do the right things. So, looks like everythings gonna be OK for now at least . thanks everyone for the help and advice. later.


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## MrsSchaffer (Jun 6, 2009)

I never said you should just suck it up. You need to work things out, however, if you loved your wife you wouldn't be trying to make her choose you over her child. Sure, you have rights, but so does she. You knew that she came with kids and whatever kids come with. It isn't like she just threw this on you a few days ago. You take on being a parent, regardless of the age of the children. Teens and young adults thrive off of what they soak out of their surroundings. His surroundings are going to directly influence who he is as a person. You cannot blame him for his lack of parenting.


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## MrsSchaffer (Jun 6, 2009)

franklinfx said:


> I told him I was proud of him, and that I would help him and allow him all household privileges, as long as he continues to work hard, and do the right things.


This is the best thing you could have done. He needs to know that someone appreciates him and what he does. Not just looks down on him.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Franklinfx, I can certainly understand your situation. I hope is is now resolved, but don't count on it. I have three step-children whose mother didn't want them and two children of my own, so I ended up being both mom and dad, as their dad worked away from home 95% of the time. 

I had the huge responsibility of dealing with everything, and believe me, it was overwhelming, to say the least. I look back now and wonder how I did it all. I worked sometimes more than ten hours a day to come home to cook dinner, give baths, laundry, and make sure everyone got to where they need to be, i.e., extracurricular activities. I virtually had no help from anyone. 

When I first got my husband's three, they were 12, 11 and 5, and already very much out of control. As they grew into teenagers, it got much worse. I did the best I could with what I had to work with, but it was mentally and physically exhausting. I somehow made it through it, and they are now adults, but they had led such a dysfunctional lifestyle, that they all three have felonies, mostly because of substance abuse and the things that go along with that.

I realize yours are adults, and there is not a whole lot you can do, other than tell them to leave. Your wife may have trouble doing that, as she likely feels guilt that she gave up custody to their father. I hope yours continues with the job, as the conflict is very taxing on a marriage.

Best of luck to you!


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks everyone. I dont expect miracles from anyone, I just dont like having to adapt to a different situation, every other week. My wife gave up custody against my advice, many years ago, and now that the ex wants his freedom, Im supposed to change my life style overnight? Im trying to keep the peace for now, since my wife and I are so attached financially ,but to be honest the years of my wife showing me absolutely no consideration, has taken its toll on my feelings for her. I have been thinking very seriously lately, whether this woman is the person Im meant to be w/ for the rest of my life.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

franklinfx said:


> Im trying to keep the peace for now, since my wife and I are so attached financially ,but to be honest the years of my wife showing me absolutely no consideration, has taken its toll on my feelings for her. I have been thinking very seriously lately, whether this woman is the person Im meant to be w/ for the rest of my life.


It sounds like there are larger problems in your relationship and the son is a convenient target for your frustration. If you are still questioning whether you want to be in the relationship, now is the time to get into counseling. If splitting up is the right thing the counselor can help you do it amicably. But letting it get worse is laying the ground work for one or both of you to really hurt the other person. Trust me, I've been there - I uttered your exact words in April and that same month my partner started cheating on me. Not a coincidence.


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