# It Will Take a While to Recover From the Last Year and a Half



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

This is a bit of a vent. I'm not sure why I feel like doing it right now but I do. It just kind of hit me that a ton of unpleasant stuff was packed in to about a year and a half. I'll describe it in a bad news / good news kind of way. On the bright side in a couple of days it will likely slide off the "new" list and be lost to the aether of the internet.

The bad:

In August 2018 I was informed that my wife was leaving. The reasons could mostly be boiled down to who I am was the opposite of what she wanted anymore. It wasn't things that had really changed since I was in elementary school (if ever) and were things she had praised in the beginning of our relationship. This came at the end of several years (at least 5) where I had carried nearly the entirety of the domestic and financial burdens of the household so it felt a bit like a betrayal of my good faith effort.

She moved out in mid September and she even paid some lip service to the kids that it might only be temporary and just needing some space or whatever. It wasn't honest and I knew it.

My boss decided to change jobs in October and I went from someone that did my specialty without having to worry about logistics or staffing to managing a team, tracking hours, assigning and tracking tasks, doing weekly and monthly reports, several meetings a week, etc. I'm not necessarily suited to the role by temperament or desire but it was the lesser of two evils because no one else from the team would have been willing or able to do it and someone new would essentially have to be trained by us in our specialty and history (besides there not really being room in the budget to hire a "real" manager). It was supposed to be a calm time without a lot of contractual worries but almost immediately there was a challenge to our funding and ability to operate which consumed my working hours from November to December.

In January 2019 my grandmother died after a short (1 week) stay in the hospital for a previously undiagnosed and asymptomatic heart problem.

During 2019, my then soon to be ex wife didn't take any initiative to learn what was required to file for a divorce, if there was any requirement for legal recognition of the separation (no in VA), what it took to divide assets, or really any of the actual logistics of dissolving our union. This was how I spent a lot of my non-working hours during this year. All the while I was questioning things like when the actual end of our marriage was and if I was ever really someone she wanted to marry or just a means to an end. I managed somehow during this time to save up enough money to pay her for her half of the home equity and my savings went basically to 0.

In January of this year within a couple days of the anniversary of my grandmother's death, my mom died. She had been seriously ill off and on for a couple years and it was being managed right up until it wasn't.

In March our divorce was legally finalized. This isn't really the end because the 401k split and mortgage release of liability paperwork is still being processed.

I created a profile on Match just to see what it looked like. The feeling that I get when I think about being visible on it, interacting with people on it, or going on a date is hard to describe. The kinds of situations where I've felt something similar were times when my baby's diaper had a blowout or the start of a year of college. I sometimes like to fantasize about having a conversation or experience with someone from there without judgement or criticism but if I ever think about taking the steps to actually bring it about, it feels like stress and unpleasantness.

The good:

I usually see my kids every day. They probably stay with me the majority of the time. Honestly, they're more fun to hang out with than my ex (especially the last 5 years of our marriage).

I'm gainfully employed with good job security since it is necessary and no one else wants to do it. I have an in demand skill set so if something bad happens to the current contract I shouldn't have any trouble finding another position.

My ex and I can accommodate each other's schedules like adults and co-parents.

My kids are old enough and responsible enough and we live in a good enough location that they can be left on their own during our overlapping work hours when I'm not working from home. They are smart and (mostly) responsible and have adjusted well to the new normal.

Before meeting my ex, I was seriously concerned that I would live and die without ever being in a serious relationship with someone. I would die a(n old) virgin. During the last couple years of my marriage the things that are normally associated with a healthy and happy relationship got poisoned (vacations were just places where I could walk on eggshells with different scenery, I could do housework and provide without help or appreciation, movies and sporting events became times when I should have been doing aforesaid chores and weren't important or interesting, affection was sparse and conditional, etc) but as compensation what would be a normal desire for companionship (that may never happen again) isn't very strong and I don't feel it that often.

I'm healthy, my kids are healthy, and I'm in better shape physically and financially than someone who is in their early 40s and just out of a divorce should expect to be.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Other than seeing your kids less nothing else about your divorce is necessarily a bad thing. You’ve lost someone who hasn’t cared about you in years if ever. 
You have stepped up into a managerial position that you didn’t seem to think you were capable of doing and in any normal relationship this would have been a cause for celebration. When you were needed by your colleagues you took the reins. 
You now are free from “walking on eggshells “ and you can take a vacation somewhere that you will enjoy. 
You are physically and financially in great shape and still in your early forties. 
Right now you feel that you don’t feel any desire for companionship but this will change and there’s plenty of kind, emphatic, caring women who would love to meet a stand up guy like you. 
Onwards and Upwards!


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

The important thing now is for you to enjoy and embrace your new freedom. You will find yourself becoming a new person, or more truthfully, the person you were meant to be. Waking up without the weight on your chest of a bad marriage is the greatest feeling you can have. The world is now yours! Grab it!


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