# No sexual desire for my wife



## Fac 51 (Sep 6, 2010)

Hi 

Really need some help and advice.. quick backround.. been together for 16 years, married for 10. Have 2 children 6 and 2..
I have always been the less sexual one in the relationship.. dont get me wrong my wife is stunning but I dont think I ever really saw her in a sexual way.. our relationship was built on friendship, love and trust but definately not sex...we did have sex at the start like most couples but I would never say it was passionate. Fairly often very quickly slipped to once a week and I would say after the first 2 years we were doing it once a month or every few months, then once or twice a year.. you get the picture.. I would go to great lengths to avoid it and have to physche myself up to do it.. just didnt see her in that way..

I met another woman who I had an instant connection with. We got on extremeley well and I found her very sexually attractive. We both fought it for months and then the inevitable happened.. what I found was not only did I really enjoy it I was actually quite good at it.. we would do it 3 or 4 times a night..

This affair went on and off for nearly a year with us leaving it alone only to get back together again.. I confessed to my wife and whilst we tried for months to make it work we seperated.
I have been seperated from my wife for 7 months now and are trying to come to a decision about the future. The thing is no matter how I try and I really want the family to stay together I just do not see her in that way.. I dont know if I am still in love with the other woman and thats why I cant do it, I cant seem to get her out of my head even though we are no longer in contact.

My wife is beautifull, kind, caring and a fantastic mother but I just do not see her in a sexual way..I know that I love her but am not inlove with her because if I was surely I would want to have sex with her and put the marriage back on track. Part of me says the feelings were probably never really there in the first place and I realised that when I met the other woman..

anyway any advice would be greatly appreciated:scratchhead:


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I have to be honest here, I cannot fathom this at all. First, if you weren't sexually attracted to her in the first place, why would you marry her?

Secondly, if she is truly attractive how can you possibly not be sexually attracted to her? I have the feeling there is something deeper there. I think I'd screw a tree stump in my current situation!


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## Fac 51 (Sep 6, 2010)

There was definately attraction there and we had sex but did want to tear her clothes off at every available opportunity no ! I find her beautiful but just dont want to have sex with her but I did with this other woman ! :scratchhead:


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

How does she (meaning your wife) feel? I would think it isn't fair to her to try to keep a marriage going if you aren't into it completely. I know it is hard with children but in the long run they are going to be happier with two happy divorced parents that two miserable ones that are together. 

I would say that some times men cannot view their wives the same after children ( I never understood that either but I know it happens ). However, you seem to state that it was like this before the kids, so I don't think that is the issue.

Are you attracted to other women? By that I mean is it just your wife that you aren't interested in or was it just this woman that floated your boat for some reason?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Find back your sexual interests in her or stop her suffering!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fac 51 (Sep 6, 2010)

Thank you for your comments but how exactly do you find your sexual desire back if there is nothing there? should it be that hard or is that just what its like after 16 years together? 

what I am confused about is .. are my feelings for the other woman stopping me from making it work with my wife ?

If I manage to get her out of my head do you think its possible to get that side of a relationship back ?

these are the things that go on in my head


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fac,
Are your desire issues primarily linked to non-bedroom behavior that is:
- negative: your current spouse does things that reduce your desire for her (overly critical, somewhat negative in outlook, etc.)
- missing: your current spouse does not know how to flirt, stimulate or "warm" you up in the day to day

Or are they linked to "bedroom" behavior:
- she is not very good in bed (no offence intended here but) lets face it there is a big difference between an unskilled partner who thinks sex means missionary - full stop - and a skilled partner who likes a lot of different activities
- she does not know how to radiate that "vibe" which makes men crazy





Fac 51 said:


> Thank you for your comments but how exactly do you find your sexual desire back if there is nothing there? should it be that hard or is that just what its like after 16 years together?
> 
> what I am confused about is .. are my feelings for the other woman stopping me from making it work with my wife ?
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What you are doing is rewriting history, be honest did you have no sexual attraction for your wife at all? I ask because It is common for cheaters to make up excuses for cheating to obsolve themselves from the guilt and resposibility for trampling the feelings of the faithful spouse. If you honestly want to work on your relationship problems, you need to be brutally honest with yourself that means you have to feel the enormity of the pain and devestation you have brought to you wife and kids for a little sexual pleasure. If you don't face what you have done before getting involved in a new relationship, then you are likely to end up right were you are now. Omly the next time, your partner the odds are that your partner will cheat on you since woman are cheating as frequently as men these days. 

Actually Your children would have been better off if you divorced their mother at lest they would have maintained an image of a man of honest and compassionate nature and not a selfish deceitful man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

You broke the number one rule of having an affair- confessing to your wife. If you felt guilty you should have just stopped seeing the other women and kept your mouth shut. If you had any hope of rebuilding the relationship it was destroyed forever when you told her. Which leads me to think maybe you wanted the marriage to be over. Even if you get back together it will never ever be the same. Once you let the cat out of the bag the marriage is damaged forever. So I'd move on.


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## Fac 51 (Sep 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Fac,
> Are your desire issues primarily linked to non-bedroom behavior that is:
> - negative: your current spouse does things that reduce your desire for her (overly critical, somewhat negative in outlook, etc.)
> - missing: your current spouse does not know how to flirt, stimulate or "warm" you up in the day to day
> ...


I actually think a bit of both - since the children came as in most relationaships we drifted apart but apart from the sex we had to make the babies there was no sexual desire for her on my part. For a few years before our first child i.e 8 or 9 years we only really had sex once or twice a year on holiday and it was very much a 'got to do it' kind of thing and very quick with little passion.. I remember distinctly feeling relieved when we found out she was pregnant that I would not have to do it for at least a year.. I know that sounds terrible but these forums are all about being honest ...


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## Fac 51 (Sep 6, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> What you are doing is rewriting history, be honest did you have no sexual attraction for your wife at all? I ask because It is common for cheaters to make up excuses for cheating to obsolve themselves from the guilt and resposibility for trampling the feelings of the faithful spouse. If you honestly want to work on your relationship problems, you need to be brutally honest with yourself that means you have to feel the enormity of the pain and devestation you have brought to you wife and kids for a little sexual pleasure. If you don't face what you have done before getting involved in a new relationship, then you are likely to end up right were you are now. Omly the next time, your partner the odds are that your partner will cheat on you since woman are cheating as frequently as men these days.
> 
> Actually Your children would have been better off if you divorced their mother at lest they would have maintained an image of a man of honest and compassionate nature and not a selfish deceitful man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well there must have been sexual attraction for her when we first got together but it faded very quickly.. the affair was not just about sex and infact we were in contact for months before we even met up.. there was a mental attraction now whether that was some kind of buzz that I got from it or a bit of excitement I honestly dont know..

I am certainly not using the lack of sexual desire for my wife as an excuse for having an affair and surely keeping the family together is the most important thing.. We have been trying for months to make it work and whilst my wife has been unbelievably forgiving she will, quite rightly, not go back to how our relationship was before.. she wants to feel wanted and to be honest I think she deserves it too.. she was settling for a sexless marriage which is wrong.. what I am struggling with is to get this other woman out of my head and am questioning if I can do that is it possible to feel that way for my wife !


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Fac 51 said:


> Thank you for your comments but how exactly do you find your sexual desire back if there is nothing there? should it be that hard or is that just what its like after 16 years together?


You can find back your sexual desires for your wife! Trust me! 

I'd been struggling like you. I was in a big emotional trouble because I couldn't get rid of the OM from my mind for 3 years, even it was just a stupid EA thing but this OM was like a ghost, not only my mind, he also showed up in my dreams every now and then... I did it. It took me few months. Much less than what I have expected but the OM has gone not only from my life but also from my heart.

How I made it? I can give you my ideas.

Step 1, communication with your wife.

1. Repair the damages: 

She might have rubbed you in the wrong way in bed, it's time to talk about it.

2. Disscuss your preferences with each other:

You're husband & wife, nothing is shameful that you can't say to each other, nothing you can't try out & explore together from initiating sex to intercourse. 

Step 2, have more sex with your wife. Screw her brains off or let her ride you until you scream for your climax. Empty your ballsack!

Step 3, Repeat Step 1

Last step but not least, add something new into sex:

Striptease, naughty games, new blow job skills, toys, blindfold, new positions, 69, anal sex....hell a lot, I don't know, whatever you haven't tried with your wife, let her fullfill your fantasies.

You will understand she's the best you can ever have in bed. 

*You just need to communicate, fk, communicate, fk until you reach your maximum satisfaction. You will!*

Try it, it won't cost you any money but will bring you lots of fun & pleasure in bed. Save your marriage!

When you understand she's the best, you won't care about the OW anymore.

Work hard & reach that target. Use your wife! Don't waste your beautiful & loving wife! Don't waste her puxxy! Use it often! Make her go wild & beg for more! 

You will know she is a hidden jade, give her a chance. It's not her faults that she lacks of experiences. Give her some trainings, she will surprise you!

She needs a real man to make her understand her true sexual desires. That man is you. Your wife needs your cok badly, show her what you've got!.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Lots of men lose sexual desire for their wives after years and years of having sex with the same person. It is very common. If you want to stay married say for the kids, but don't want to have sex with her you have to be cool about your affairs. The sex in an affair always has to be just recreational and not based on deep feelings. If it is you might as well get a divorce.


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## nika (Jan 4, 2011)

And I Understand you very well. You love this woman, yes, as love has many different forms. But you are just not good match sexualy. 

Whatever you do you will not get it in this relations. So if sex is an important part of your life let each other be free and look for right people. Your wife will also find a man whom she feels passionate about and have great sex. And of course you will find a woman whom you love the way you want with passion and desire. 

It;s much better than for the rest of your life to suffer and cheat. Bad for you and her both. And nobody is asking you to stop loving this woman in your special way, even after you both have different lives.


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## nika (Jan 4, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> You can find back your sexual desires for your wife! Trust me!
> 
> I'd been struggling like you. I was in a big emotional trouble because I couldn't get rid of the OM from my mind for 3 years, even it was just a stupid EA thing but this OM was like a ghost, not only my mind, he also showed up in my dreams every now and then... I did it. It took me few months. Much less than what I have expected but the OM has gone not only from my life but also from my heart.
> 
> ...


Do you really believe he will follow your advices and try sexual games with his wife???!!!! Can you really imagine them trying and doing striptease, blow job games, 69 and anal sex when they don't even want to have a simple straigh 2 minutes sex with each other???!!!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm struggling to understand why you are even considering reconciliation given how you feel about her.

Given the nature of your relationship, I don't see any reason why you both can't continue to be great co-parents to your kids while giving one another the freedom to find whatever it is that you each need.


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