# Obesity, How Much Can I Help?



## LetItHappen (Apr 30, 2015)

This weekend my wife made an obesity joke after hearing a health/obesity commercial on the radio, saying in jest that we were an obese family. It was super awkward. She had just confided in me her current weight and how unhappy she was. Out of curiosity I looked up her BMI and found that my wife was obese. I did not tell her, however, a restaurant hostess asked if she was pregnant that same day and she went home and cried really hard about it.

I was feeling for her and I instinctively felt a deep need to make her feel good about herself, so we ended up having sex. We both are naturally HD but truth is that I am less attracted to her than when I proposed 3 years ago and she was quite fit. We went for a walk and talked about how she felt. She has constantly complained about her weight, but this was a more in depth conversation. She said it felt unfair that her friend would obsess over weight and could still be fit while she (wife) gave the issue to God but had gained weight. She likened it to being "punished" and kept saying it was unfair.

In some ways I feel like my situation is the one that is unfair. I can eat a burger or ice cream because I go running and or lift weights every day, but I do not eat these things around my wife unless it's her idea to begin with, because I don't want to be a bad example and I want to be able to do everything that she would have to go through to be healthy. Our current weight loss plan is for me to work out with her over lunch. If I'm not there she won't work out, so I feel like everything is on me. She confessed to me that she used to go to the gym to be seen and to show off and now that we are married there's no real reason to do that and so she doesn't know how to lose weight unless she obsesses over it. This hurt me because the only person who I care at all to impress and try to turn on is my wife. For a while she had this theory that God wouldn't let her lose weight because she would be too vain due to all of the attention. I thought that was pretty crazy and told her so. We are both in our mid 20s and haven't even had kids yet - children being something we are both looking forward to and I feel like this situation would complicate having and how we want to raise our kids.

After Saturday's run in with the hostess she agreed to my help on healthy eating. I wasn't going to micromanage her diet but I gave her some tips on things I thought she should avoid. The next morning at church she had a plate full of donuts and chex mix. I didn't know what I should do, so I just asked if she would share some with me to split the load, and she wouldn't give me any, so I let it slide rather than cause a scene. Later in the car she said that she feels like she can eat anything so long as it's at breakfast and she doesn't eat after 6 at night. She also believes that processed sugar doesn't cause her to gain weight but fruit does even though there are countless articles about added sugar and weight, because she was skinny for years based off of just having a mocha a day and not much else.

I'm just really tired of this and don't know what to do. It is difficult to know when when to help and when to just listen. Sometimes my advice is greatly appreciated and at other times it makes her upset. I'm eating healthier than ever now because I want to be the example and hope that that will inspire a change. I'm really tired though and am upset.

Both of my grandparents died of heart attacks, my mother in law had a heart attack, and multiple people in our families have diabetes. My cousin lost her foot and our worship pastor went blind from diabetes. She eats lots of GNC health food and cool protein bar type things but that can never counteract all the processed sugar. I don't know if she doesn't get that or what I should or can even do. Feeling helpless while watching this go on is the worst part.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What is her height and weight? Why do you think she went from "fit" to obese in just three years with having no children? That's a bit alarming. Does she have a thyroid problem maybe?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

First she need some serious education about nutrition. Anyone who thinks that refined sugars are OK, fruit is bad, and eating anything you want at breakfast (a plate full of donuts and Chex mix?!!!) is fine, has some faulty thinking going on. Those cool protein bars are usually calorie dense candy bars in disguise. And God has nothing to do with her inability to pass up a plate of donuts at church. 

Personally I wouldn't be happy with myself at all if I were overweight. I also think it is your responsibility to keep yourself healthy and looking as attractive as possible for your spouse. 

I'd have a serious talk with her about your concerns and expectations. She is still young and her eating habits sound horrible and no motivation to work out is just a bad combo and a bad sign for what is to come. 

Continue working out with her, get rid of any and all crap in your fridge and pantry. Encourage her to look fit and healthy for you. Get her a subscription to Fitness and Shape magazine and tell her to sign up for Weight Watchers or if need be Nutri System or Jenny Craig. 

Help her get this under control pronto. Does obesity run in her family?


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## LetItHappen (Apr 30, 2015)

She went from 5'8 145 to 212 lbs. It's not that I don't still find her attractive, because I do, but I'm worried about where this is going, and I feel a bit tricked.

Last month she had blood work done to see if it was her thyroid or other hormonal imbalances. Her hormones are perfectly normal.

Before we became engaged she ate very little (not exactly healthy either) mostly a raw diet with processed sugar thrown in and went to the gym with her friends a lot. On Saturday she told me that she doesn't know how to be fit without trying to impress other people, that she was one of those girls that go to the gym to show off. When we went to the gym together in the past she would judge lots of the girls and say really damning comments that I thought were pretty broad and assuming, but now I get that it's coming from her experience.

When we got married and moved in together she would buy copious amounts of health supplements, smoothies, juices, nutrition bars, etc. but she stopped working out and was also eating lots of junk. Some of it is just plain serving sizes I think. For instance, when we get froyo I'll get about a cup (8 oz) and she'll get about triple that amount. She drinks a lot of things like the international delights coffee. I was never one to count calories, but I was just curious and checked the back. She never drinks an actual 8 oz serving, but will pour a full 24 oz wine glass. That seemed normal to me until I counted it up in my head and realized that is like 750 calories in a single glass. I pointed that out to he
r and blamed it on false advertising to not be so harsh on her.



kristin2349 said:


> Help her get this under control pronto. Does obesity run in her family?


Her mom is 300+ lbs and already had a heart attack before the age of 60. Her oldest sister is obese. Her other sister and brother are healthy but also soft spoken, e.g. they don't confront their mom about her morbid obesity. My wife is the youngest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife is clueless about how food and how the body works. 

Here are two books that talk about how the body works when it comes to things like refined sugar, refined carbs, etc. 

I'd buy them and give them to her. I think it would help if you read them too. This way you know exactly what she's reading. 

New Atkins for a New You: The Ultimate Diet for Shedding Weight and Feeling Great


The New Atkins Made Easy: A Faster, Simpler Way to Shed Weight and Feel Great

Also, your wife's idea that she gave it to God but now God is punishing her and that's why she's gained wait. It's nonsense.

God helps those who help themselves.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LetItHappen said:


> She went from 5'8 145 to 212 lbs. It's not that I don't still find her attractive, because I do, but I'm worried about where this is going, and I feel a bit tricked.
> 
> Last month she had blood work done to see if it was her thyroid or other hormonal imbalances. Her hormones are perfectly normal.
> 
> ...


You sound very patient, and she sounds like she is in denial .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LetItHappen said:


> She went from 5'8 145 to 212 lbs. It's not that I don't still find her attractive, because I do, but I'm worried about where this is going, and I feel a bit tricked.
> 
> Last month she had blood work done to see if it was her thyroid or other hormonal imbalances. Her hormones are perfectly normal.
> 
> ...


She is so secure in your relationship that she is not concerned about impressing you with her looks. She wanted to primp for strangers, but will not do it for you? You might want to point that out to her. Let her know that it hurts you to know this.

Your wife has thrown her metabolism off so much that it sounds like she lives in carb cravings hell.

There are some good articles to be found on the internet about how carb craving can be a type of addiction. Her brain produces feel-good chemicals when she OD's on carbs. So she keeps eating huge amounts of carbs to get those brain chemicals up there.

The low carb diets and carb rotation diets help break they cycle. There are also supplements that a person can take to stop the cravings.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

LetItHappen said:


> She went from 5'8 145 to 212 lbs. It's not that I don't still find her attractive, because I do, but I'm worried about where this is going, and I feel a bit tricked.



Her mom and sister are both obese. You weren't tricked, you were naive or had your head in the sand. Fighting her biology is going to be a lifelong uphill battle.


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## LetItHappen (Apr 30, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Her mom and sister are both obese. You weren't tricked, you were naive or had your head in the sand. Fighting her biology is going to be a lifelong uphill battle.


And her brother and other sister (who's had 2 children) are fit. When we met she was also in good shape. Her dad passed away, but he played college basketball and was athletic after that; so, no, I wasn't naive. You could pull the biology card if her thyroid was off or if all of her family was obese, but that's simply not the case.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Anyone has "blow up potential" if they are sedentary and think refined sugars are a food group. Given she does have obesity in her family her risk may be higher. 

A thyroid problem can be treated and while it can make it difficult to lose weight or maintain it, it is not impossible. She doesn't have an issue so no excuse there.

It is time to make it clear that having a fit wife is important to you. It is up to her to decide if that is important to her, she is the only one who can change this. She can start by ditching sugar, and protein bars and eating real food and getting back to the gym 5-6 days a week.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> When we got married and moved in together she would buy copious amounts of health supplements, smoothies, juices, nutrition bars, etc. but she stopped working out and was also eating lots of junk. Some of it is just plain serving sizes I think. For instance, when we get froyo I'll get about a cup (8 oz) and she'll get about triple that amount. She drinks a lot of things like the international delights coffee. I was never one to count calories, but I was just curious and checked the back. She never drinks an actual 8 oz serving, but will pour a full 24 oz wine glass. That seemed normal to me until I counted it up in my head and realized that is like 750 calories in a single glass. I pointed that out to he
> r and blamed it on false advertising to not be so harsh on her.


So the problem seems to be that she needs to get educated on nutrition. That's not unusual.

I would recommend that you ask her if its ok that you both go together to some weekly appointments with a nutritionist and maybe a personal trainer (if you don't mind the expense).

My immediate recommendation is to advise her to stop eating all pre-prepared foods. So nothing out of a can, box or wrapper. And stop eating out. Its really hard to know what you're eating when you eat out a lot. Cook at home...do it with her. Use raw vegetables, fruit, lean fish and meats. 

One thing that I do is have an extra freezer. I'm a vegan and I work a lot but I manage to cook and freeze all my meals. That way, if I'm in a rush, I don't have to neglect eating well.

Unfortunately, though I feel like she's going to have to own this. You can't really force someone to make a life change like this. They have to do it in their own time when they're ready. And she has to want it for her healthy and life...not her ego. I'd just do it yourself and hope that your changes inspire her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LetItHappen said:


> And her brother and other sister (who's had 2 children) are fit. When we met she was also in good shape. Her dad passed away, but he played college basketball and was athletic after that; so, no, I wasn't naive. You could pull the biology card if her thyroid was off or if all of her family was obese, but that's simply not the case.


My youngest sister, who has 3 kids, is obese. My middle sister, who has no kids, has been obese at points in her life and while she isn't thin I think she has it somewhat under control. I have two and am the oldest, and am in very good shape.

It comes down to habits and sometimes complicated relationships with food. Years of habits are hard to break and a lifetime relationship with food is even harder. It really is as simple of GIGO but the root causes can be much more complicated.

Has she considered a trainer?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Another thing that may help is downloading and using the myfitnesspal app. I've been using it for three months and it sure opens ones eyes as to just what we are eating. 
I started lifting weights I November and taking my diabetes seriously. I am 5'6" I weighed 217 in November. I'm now down to 185 and feel great. I still have another 25-30lbs more to go, but I know I will do it. 
When I first started to seriously try loose weight, I started by simply cutting back on portion sizes and reducing my dairy intake(I love cheese). 
I had a full blood work panel done in January and my A1c test showed close to pre-diabetic. 
My wife is 5'4" and weighed 196 two months ago. She downloaded the myfitnesspal app and has brought her weight down to the low 180's already. She says she's never hungry. She was amazed at the amount of calories that her snacks at her desk contained. She has since switched to healthier choices and feels much better(down 2 sizes in her pants). 
I have and will keep encouraging her and complimenting her on how good she looks. She has had coworkers ask if she has lost weight and that is a big boost for her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> There are also supplements that a person can take to stop the cravings.


what are they, I could use them?

OP, I read the bokk "XL:......." I forgot the subtitle. It talks about the lifestyles of very obese people.

It chronicles a couple of case studies and also looks at data of the general population.

what it found, ironically, is that a lot of people who get bypass operations end up getting divorces. Naturally, the formerly obese person says the marriage was gone a long time again, it's just that losing weight gave them new found confidence to move on. what is suspected in some cases, at least, is that the formerly obese person gets a load of attention and wants to follow it.

Personally, I would not want to be on the losing end of this equation if I were putting up with something that I thought was unpleasant.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> *what are they, I could use them?*
> 
> OP, I read the bokk "XL:......." I forgot the subtitle. It talks about the lifestyles of very obese people.
> 
> ...


Fiber supplements can help keep you feeling full.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Fiber supplements can help keep you feeling full.


Do you read what you quote?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Your wife is completely lost. She isn't accountable to lose her weight. Something is going on here more than just weight. Stress in the house? Anxiety? God is not going to magically melt her weight off for her. He needs her to help out a bit. You are absolutely an understanding and patient hubby! Until she realizes exactly that she NEEDS to lose the weight, nothing you do is going to help. Being snotty and making snide comments is totally not acceptable but being nice is just as bad! Sit down and talk. Tell her your concerns for her weight. Go buy a fit bit and make her accountable for what she has eaten. It has apps where she has to list what she has eaten, have her see a nutritionist and maybe set her up with a personal trainer that works with weight loss. That way you are not the heavy all the time. When she suggests ice cream, you suggest fruit. Avoid going to situations where eating is going to be a problem such as buffets, donut socials and such. Summer is a perfect time to curb sweet toothes with fresh watermelon, berries, and peaches. Offer to make her froyo to surprise her and make it smaller. Don't buy sugar stuff at the grocery store. Shop with her so she doesn't either. What isn't in front of her will not be eaten!

I tell you this because I lost over 150 pounds. She has to realize and want to lose the weight. You can encourage her by all means. Have cheat nights, go buy her flowers and tell her how proud you are when she loses five pounds, buy her a new outfit when she loses ten, give her something other than food as a reward. It will give her something to work towards. We went on a cruise after I lost 100 pounds. Actually by the time we booked and went on it, I was down the 150 because I had motivation. Help prepare meals and even prepare fast meals and freeze them so temptation doesn't win. Leave her notes, tell her how she gets you aroused by working so hard. Good luck and give yourself a pat on the back for being so supportive!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You are wonderfully supportive of your wife! I think what you're doing is fabulous.

That said, since you're going balls to the wall and succeeding in your own personal weight loss/fitness goals, she might get resentful of your success.

Men generally lose weight easier than women. Hell, my BF can merely _declare_ he wants to lose a bit of weight and I swear, it seems like it's gone overnight. Here I am bustin my azz at 5:30 a.m. 5-6x per week working out. I get jealous.

Be careful in constantly suggesting other food options to her. If she says hey, let's go get ice cream, instead of saying, naw, let's have an apple instead, try saying, thanks, but I'm good. I don't want any. That way, she'll see that you're not constantly in her grill about making better food choices. KWIM?

Have you considered treating this as an addiction? People do get addicted to food. 

Kudos to you for being so wonderful to your wife in this regard.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

There are many free calorie counting apps available. My W uses one to count calories. She has lost 12 pounds in 4 weeks. They work if you follow the what the app has to offer. Also, first step is understanding one is overweight. Your W understands this. Now to have a resolve to reduce one's weight. Understand that steady weight loss is what one should shoot for. Basically a pound or two per week. It took some time to get the weight on . It will take time to lose it. This is were some fail. They do not see large gains in the losses of weight. They then give up. This is were the resolve to lose comes into play. 

I also am a part of my W weight loss. I eat exactly what she does. No second portions. Eating fruit instead the darn Oreo cookies! Much easier for both to do it together.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

OP, a lot of folks have some really great suggestions to help your wife lose weight. The bottom line is though that she won't lose weight until SHE wants to. The desire for her to change needs to come from within. Your pushing and prodding are only going to make her resent you.

Both my wife and father are obese. My wife has severe back pain(the doctor said her weight is a major contributing factor). My father nearly died of a heart attack. These are both intelligent people who know that their weight is affecting their life. Nether is willing to change for themselves or their loved ones. 

You're going to find the same issue with your wife. I'm sure she feels that if she's happy with the person she is, why should she change for you or anyone else? 

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this. It is very frustrating watching loved ones do this to themselves.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

God gave her the answer to her prayers already...

Hands and feet to exercise and a brain to know what she should and should not ingest.


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## LetItHappen (Apr 30, 2015)

thenub said:


> Another thing that may help is downloading and using the myfitnesspal app. I've been using it for three months and it sure opens ones eyes as to just what we are eating.
> I started lifting weights I November and taking my diabetes seriously. I am 5'6" I weighed 217 in November. I'm now down to 185 and feel great. I still have another 25-30lbs more to go, but I know I will do it.


Thanks for the advice. I actually did this a few days ago after reading this and it is really eye opening. I am going to show it to her. Congratulations on getting your diabetes under control!



SecondTime'Round said:


> Fiber supplements can help keep you feeling full.


I just started doing this too and this is right. I got some hemp pro fiber stuff which is basically 50/50 plant fiber and protein, so it helps with muscle growth but also makes you full and helps with digestion. She doesn't like the taste, but I'm going to try to find other ways to see if she'll like eating it with me, maybe in smoothies or something. Or I may need to get a tastier alternative.



tamara24 said:


> Your wife is completely lost. She isn't accountable to lose her weight. Something is going on here more than just weight. Stress in the house? Anxiety? God is not going to magically melt her weight off for her. He needs her to help out a bit. You are absolutely an understanding and patient hubby! Until she realizes exactly that she NEEDS to lose the weight, nothing you do is going to help. Being snotty and making snide comments is totally not acceptable but being nice is just as bad! Sit down and talk. Tell her your concerns for her weight. Go buy a fit bit and make her accountable for what she has eaten.


She actually mentioned a fitbit last week, so I am looking into it. I think that anxiety has a lot to do with it. We moved somewhere new after getting married and it took her a long time to meet friends and she was very angry towards the place and the people (even though it was a joint decision to move here for work) Now we are moving back, tomorrow, to familiar territory, so I think that this is the perfect time to get serious about this. There is more to do where we are moving and friends and family. We decided to stop at Whole Foods and eat lunch at their buffet during our move tomorrow, so that's one victory. Better than eating at a fast food place.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Buy some Trop50 Orange Juice to mix the fiber stuff with. Much more palatable and fewer calories than regular OJ.


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