# So here's my story, please help



## CaptainStarn (Jan 28, 2013)

So here's my story...

25 years ago, my wife's first sexual experience was the result of "acquaintance rape" as a college freshman. Her attacker held her down on a bed and raped her, while his roommate watched and did nothing (I can only imagine the confusion and humiliation). She never reported the incident to the authorities. Her attacker was later kicked out of school for peering in her window with binoculars and masturbating in full view of passers-by (nice guy). In the aftermath, she engaged in self destructive behavior, mainly alcohol abuse and promiscuity. She neither sought out nor received counseling. 

We met and fell in love some a few years later. We lived together for 2 years. We would make love with varying frequency, sometimes 2 to 3 times a week, sometimes going months without. Even then, I knew something was wrong, but I told myself that things would be different after we were married. I told myself this was normal. 

Fast forward a 20 years. We have three children, in middle and high school. Our relationship has been rocky to say the least. We've been in counseling for a few years now, and things have definitely improved. our communication skills have improved and stress/anxiety levels have diminished. Our physical intimacy has improved to some degree. We sometimes have sex on Sundays, around ten in the morning. If I miss my " widow of opportunity", too bad, better luck next time. She rarely initiates (can count on one hand, over many years). Sometimes she's "into it". Other times, it's a matter of "just get it over with". It's far from ideal, or even acceptable, in my view. But I love her, and she says she loves me, so, it is what it is. Otherwise, she's a great mom and partner.

I resent being rejected. I resent the fact that I'm paying the price for someone else's crime. I resent that my wife refuses to seek help or even acknowledge that there is something in her past that is impacting our relationship today (It's my problem, and if I love her, I'll deal with it). I resent the fact that I may never have the relationship with my wife that I would like to have. I resent being treated like a roommate. Believe me, I'm far from perfect, but I don't deserve this.

So I quit. We discussed it, and I will no longer ask for sex. I've learned that she needs control of a situation to feel safe. Now she has control. It remains to be seen if our situation improves, but, somehow I doubt it. There is history there.

That being said, I can't change her emotions or behavior, but I can change mine. I will no longer compromise my self-respect by "begging". I will never again undermine my self-confidence by setting myself up for rejection. I will not complicate the situation with hurt feelings or bruised egos.

I will remain faithful. And patient. And understanding. As a decent human being, what else can I do?


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

CaptainStarn said:


> As a decent human being, what else can I do?


Expect her to treat your needs as equal to her own, and if she will not do it, leave her and find someone who will. That's what a decent human being would do.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

This kind of answer to the problem has been discussed before. What I have seen (myself and other guys posting here) is that we take this attitude but eventually the resentment and frustration starts to built.

It's one thing if your wife was continually in counseling but could not get over the rape. That would call for more understanding on your part. But you say she refuses to seek help. That's unacceptable.

You have a right to an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship in the marriage, especially if she expects monogamy on your part. Since it's HER problem that is preventing this, it's HER problem to get it resolved. She can expect monogomy, but not celibacy.

The other thing is the term "begging" or "pleading". No, you ask for a sexual relationship and ask her for intimacy. If she says no, you ask another day. But by NOT asking, you just set yourself up for weeks, months, years down the road when you make this an issue and she says "but you never asked for sex."


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cap,

Chris Taylor is right.

In most cases where you stop intiating, the low drive spouse will actually be happy you did stop

You need to at least stop meeting HER needs too.

If you hold her hand - STOP
If you kiss her goodnight - STOP
If you do all the laundry - STOP - Do only yours
If you handle the picking up and dropping off of her car for maintenmance - STOP

Also, START doing the following:

-Go out with your friends and have a good time
-Be vague about where you're going and with whom
-Start dressing nicer and get a new haircut
-Start working out and going to the gym
-Pick up or resume a new hobby

Make her see what she's missing out on


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

While I agree with the above posters (not so much with Toffer, but I get his point), you need to just take a step back and read what you wrote OP. If someone came to you and said "My wife went through this trauma, it's impacted our sex life for 20 years, she doesn't want to get help, so my solution is to just stop asking for sex," what would you say to that person?

How does it make any sense to say you want more sex and the way to acheive that is by asking for less sex?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, not gonna work. Your wife is probably breathing a sigh of relief right now.

The resentment WILL build.

If your wife refuses to seek help, then you need to make her see that her choice is destroying your marriage.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> So I quit. We discussed it, and I will no longer ask for sex. I've learned that she needs control of a situation to feel safe. Now she has control. It remains to be seen if our situation improves, but, somehow I doubt it. There is history there.


Whether having been raped or not. A woman needs YOU in control in order to feel safe. That does not mean that you control her or force her, NO! It means you control yourself and get rid of things that do not turn women on. These are:

a) argueing with her about everything you can find wrong about her
b) not beieng asertive in non-sexual matters
c) discussing sexual problems
d) you beieng too dependant from her loving sides or whatever else she can/could do for you
e) you doing everything she wants, or you trying to please her too much
f) trying to fix her and her problems. Let me be direct here:

SHE WAS RAPED? WELL, WHO CARES NOW, didnt you guys have sex in the begining of the relationship? If not, then fine, she has a psychological problem connected to sex and rape. But, if you used to have frequent sex, then it is you taking things far to serious than they really are! You can hate me for saying this, but the sooner you give it a try to just relax when she is making trouble, the faster you will notice that women can come up with all sorts of reasons in order not to sleep with you. 

The truth is, she isnt feeling attracted by your personality and behaviour -> she isnt getting horny or in the mood.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Who cares?

Umm, I think she does, for one. I agree it doesn't have to overcome her entire sex life, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't care about the fact it happened.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> Who cares?
> 
> Umm, I think she does, for one. I agree it doesn't have to overcome her entire sex life, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't care about the fact it happened.


I agree, she can care. It is her problem. HE should not take everything by heart though. 

Women love a man who is emotionaly strong, otherwise beieng taken in his arms isnt that comforting. 

You take her stuff over serious -> you lose the ability of beieng the white knight.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

To a degree I agree with that. I think you need to show a level of compassion but I agree, to much isn't necessary. It's a balancing act and where the scale tips is when it starts to go against your own needs.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> I agree, she can care. It is her problem. HE should not take everything by heart though.
> 
> Women love a man who is emotionaly strong, otherwise beieng taken in his arms isnt that comforting.
> 
> You take her stuff over serious -> you lose the ability of beieng the white knight.


 I agree that the "rape" is old news and I would never bring it up, nothing to be gained. In fact, it is best to not dwell "in" your partners issues; being your wifes therapist as a way to her "*****" makes the route too circuitous, and these issues are allowed to become the roadblocks. 

For instance, loosing money has nothing to do with sexual desire unless the two issues are linked in the mind, and made an issue. If so, than what is the remedy? Hand her a million dollars and then she will want sex? Stupid. 

Explain to her that you know these are all roadblocks that she has created to deny herself pleasure. You can give her the pleasure she deserves, she needs...

Engage her on a different level, alter your body language, back her into a corner, do something unexpected, go forward resolutely as if there are no more issues other than making love.
Find a moment, (your Sunday mornings) make an opening, and DO IT. 

Good luck, this approach worked for me ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

CaptainStarn said:


> I resent being rejected.


Understandable.



CaptainStarn said:


> I resent the fact that I'm paying the price for someone else's crime.


Your wife's assault 25 years ago is not necessarily connected to her refusals of you today. Your wife is behaving exactly the same way as a large segment of married women in this country. And many of those women weren't raped.



CaptainStarn said:


> I resent that my wife refuses to seek help or even acknowledge that there is something in her past that is impacting our relationship today (It's my problem, and if I love her, I'll deal with it).


Perhaps your wife understands what is going on better than you do. If your wife's attack isn't related to her current sex drive toward you, then what does she have to discuss with a therapist? Nothing much.



CaptainStarn said:


> I resent the fact that I may never have the relationship with my wife that I would like to have. I resent being treated like a roommate.


Understandable.



CaptainStarn said:


> Believe me, I'm far from perfect, but I don't deserve this.


Not so fast. There is an old saw that says what you tolerate, you encourage. So you do deserve this. Your wife has treated sex as a once-in-a-blue-moon treat for your entire marriage and you have bought into it hook, line, and sinker. So don't blame your wife for thinking you were cool with this.



CaptainStarn said:


> So I quit. We discussed it, and I will no longer ask for sex.


I'm sure your wife was crushed. She doesn't like having sex with you, so you reward her by allowing her to have sex with you less? Let me know how that works out.



CaptainStarn said:


> I've learned that she needs control of a situation to feel safe. Now she has control. It remains to be seen if our situation improves, but, somehow I doubt it. There is history there.


I doubt it, too. Do you know what makes a woman feel safer than being in control? Having a man she trusts be in control.



CaptainStarn said:


> That being said, I can't change her emotions or behavior, but I can change mine. I will no longer compromise my self-respect by "begging".


Good for you. You're on the right track here.



CaptainStarn said:


> I will never again undermine my self-confidence by setting myself up for rejection. I will not complicate the situation with hurt feelings or bruised egos.


Not so fast. I agree that your self-confidence is in the crapper when your wife rejects you 90% of the time. But you don't improve your self-confidence by acknowledging that your wife is correct to reject you and give up any hope of having sex with her. That just takes low self-esteem and craters it.

You gain self-confidence by taking charge of a bad situation and working to change it. If your wife doesn't want anything to do with you, get out and talk to some other women. When other women are flirting with you and making clear overtures, your self-confidence will return. Trust me. Nothing takes the sting of being rejected by one woman away like knowing that several more would readily accept your advances.



CaptainStarn said:


> I will remain faithful. And patient. And understanding. As a decent human being, what else can I do?


Plenty.

If you think that giving up will somehow cause your wife to magically discover an attraction for you, you're deluded. That's not how women work. Women have responsive sex drives. You have to DO something that attracts your wife's interest in you. And begging isn't it. And whining isn't it. And giving up isn't it.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and buy the Primer and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP). You might be surprised at your wife's reaction to your action.

Good luck.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

CaptainStarn said:


> So here's my story...
> 
> 25 years ago, my wife's first sexual experience was the result of "acquaintance rape" as a college freshman. Her attacker held her down on a bed and raped her, while his roommate watched and did nothing (I can only imagine the confusion and humiliation). She never reported the incident to the authorities. Her attacker was later kicked out of school for peering in her window with binoculars and masturbating in full view of passers-by (nice guy). In the aftermath, she engaged in self destructive behavior, mainly alcohol abuse and promiscuity. She neither sought out nor received counseling.
> 
> ...


Have you ever heard the saying, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind? This attitude of playing dirty to get what you want is something I can't wrap my obtuse, pretty little head around.

I'm not as old or as wise as some of the other people advising you. So maybe this means nothing. 

But I do NOT advise you to start being an ******* to her. That just gives her justification to refuse you.

Also, I know what your wife went through. I experienced a similar experience for many years. I never told a living soul until my current fiancé. 

You have my sympathies for the way you are feeling and I commend you for all the effort you have made and the empathy you have tried to have.

However, I am going to speak from the other side of the coin. I always get bashed for it, I always get told I don't know what I'm talking about and maybe I don't...but do you want people to just agree with you or do you want someone who may see things from her side of the fence? Both can be helpful, so here is a (possible, since I don't actually know your wife, other side) 

Rape is....the type of thing...how do I put this....those of us who have been through it are incredibly resentful of being told we need help.

No ****, Sherlock. 

It's not nearly as easy as it sounds.

Especially when years have gone by and all you want to do is forget about it. Especially after children. We don't want to think about that. We want it to go away.

We define our existence, in the back of our heads, by what happened. And we don't want other people doing it to. She has probably tried to deal with it. She probably thinks she's done a damn good job and is a damn good wife/mother and that she's TIRED of having to think about it just because you want some sex. 

(Again, I am not condoning, I am trying to give you some possible perspective.) 

She probably feels defeated. She is in denial, yes because when she tries to face it, she fails. And she goes back into denial. It's a vicious cycle.

I have little doubt, from what you've said, that she does love you.

Sex can grow into this giant monster that frankly just puts her off. 
She likely KNOWS you are feeling this way and that can be very frightening. Fearing you will leave her over sex. Or God forbid, stray. She is probably thinking "I love him, I am a fantastic mother and partner and all he cares about is the fact that he isn't between my legs." This kind of pressure, knowing you have to start opening your legs or all hell will break lose, is not conducive to a sex drive on her part. I think it is a GOOD thing that you laid off the pressure. But make sure she knows you still want to make love.

One more thing and I cannot stress this enough: Don't whine like a child begging for a cookie. Don't make it about your "need for physical satisfaction." Don't make it a duty. Don't make it a responsibility because that just translates to JOB. Make it about EMOTIONAL NEED and she is far less likely to laugh in your face. 

If she thinks your want to boink something is the cause of all this fuss, she's going to think your needs are just plain ridiculous.

She must be made to understand that is about so much more than your p in her v. Only then can she even begin to empathize. It's hard for a lot of LD women to hear men saying "I need sex" and not roll their eyes at you and think "Go do it yourself and leave me alone." 

And all the men telling you to dump her ass and walk probably only see their pain.

I'm quite sure she is in pain too. Again, nobody is going to like this. But I am trying to help you. 

Good luck and God bless.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

If you've "been in counseling for a few years", why isn't this being discussed at length in counseling? Are you still going? If so, make it top priority to bring it up next time you go. Maybe she doesn't want to admit this is a problem in your marriage, but bringing it up in counseling will at least help you to make it known to her how much it is a problem for you.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

> I resent being rejected. *I resent the fact that I'm paying the price for someone else's crime. I resent that my wife refuses to seek help or even acknowledge that there is something in her past that is impacting our relationship today* (It's my problem, and if I love her, I'll deal with it). I resent the fact that I may never have the relationship with my wife that I would like to have. I resent being treated like a roommate. Believe me, I'm far from perfect, but *I don't deserve this*.


True in all counts.



> So I quit. We discussed it, and I will no longer ask for sex. I've learned that she needs control of a situation to feel safe. Now she has control. It remains to be seen if our situation improves, but, somehow I doubt it. There is history there..That being said, I can't change her emotions or behavior, but I can change mine. I will no longer compromise my self-respect by "begging". I will never again undermine my self-confidence by setting myself up for rejection. I will not complicate the situation with hurt feelings or bruised egos.


Wrong. She's a good mother, you said? Well she can be a good mother for your child without you being her husband. 20 years is far too long for you to suffer for something you didn't do. You had made your best efforts, she hasn't. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to let her go. If she is really as nice as you describe, you two can still be good friends and be great father and mother for your children.

You taking care of her emotional well-being is a must, but if YOUR own need is not being taken care of by her, then sorry, she is not a good wife. Good mother ok, good friend maybe ok. Good wife, no way. 

The way I see it, she needs your friendship, need you as co-parent for your kids, but does not need your penis anymore. So, let her go, and still be a good friend to her. Just not be her husband. Yes, friendship after divorce is very possible. Not guaranteed, but possible. Divorce is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it's for the best interests of all.

And no, it's not about you being so f..n egoist because you cannot bonk her. It's not about you would not listen or consider to "the other side of the story (hers)". You've been considerate for far too long (20 years). Now it's the time to do the right thing. No-fault divorce with co-parentships. Let her find a man (or woman?) more suitable to her drive. While you get yourself a person who would love you for being you, penis and all.

Sorry for my strange English. it is not my first language.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My old lady went through that crap when she was in HS. Its a mess cuz like you said sometimes they're into it and sometimes there not.
On one side of the spectrum they dig sex but when its with you its different.

One thing I have figured out is that you have to have control this control and confidence makes them feel safe. I think if they control the sex it messes them up more but the trick is raising your attraction level by having the confidence that you can protect them ...even in bed. Having the confidence you can let them enjoy them selves after you untie them.

In all seriousness, I believe after 20+ years its about attraction, not about trust or the abuse, you've been banging her for years, she knows you aren't going to hurt her.

Work on your self and show her what a bad @ss lover you can be. Clean up a little and start walking around with your junk out on Monday morning I bet you get some!

What I mean is you can raise your attraction level by using some breath mints, and shave and a hair cut, work out a little, and have the ego that will show her she is not the only fish in the see (don't ever tell her that) ...a perception that you got the goods.

Chick dig confident men!

Our chick dig sex, not with us all the time!

She has it in her, you just have to pull it out of her.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> Chick dig confident men!
> 
> Our chick dig sex, not with us all the time!
> 
> She has it in her, you just have to pull it out of her.


Thank you! All instant knowledge conyed.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Have you ever heard the saying, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind? This attitude of playing dirty to get what you want is something I can't wrap my obtuse, pretty little head around.
> 
> I'm not as old or as wise as some of the other people advising you. So maybe this means nothing.
> 
> ...


Hey, I liked this. 

It's very well said and makes complete sense. You are maybe starting to grasp things well, young grasshopper.


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