# What's wrong with me?



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Okay, I know I've been a little needy and I apologize for that. I just feel like there's something terribly wrong with me. Last night, I completed the questionnaire in the back of "The Five Love Languages" (?correct title) and I felt as though I couldn't answer most of the questions. It asks you basically what kind of interaction you enjoy with your husband. The whole time I'm thinking....neither. I felt like I had to lie just to complete the questionnaire. Does this mean I don't love him?

Second, I've been contacting this guy off and on at myspace and he is basically blowing me off. Now, there has never really been anything between us. I used to take dance classes with him, I had a dream about him recently, and felt compelled to contact him. He's a lot younger than I am, and I know he has no interest in me. But, there was this part of me that liked the idea of having a relationship with him. Especially, the way he answered my messages in the beginning. Of course, now I feel like a desperate loser. He's in California, and I think this was just a fantasy to get me away from the reality of my deteriorating marriage. I know I need to drop this one...it's only making me feel bad about myself.

But...I went to bed last night after sending him a brief message (still no response today), feeling lonely and unloved. Crazy, right? All because some guy I barely know doesn't give a rip about me. I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't even really sure why I was crying. I don't know if it was him or the fact that maybe I don't know how to love or be loved in an intimate relationship.

This got me thinking about something not totally related to this forum, but related to me. I don't have any friends...I haven't made any intimate friendships since high school. There's got to be some link. Lack of social skills? I don't know, I think it's that I am very self-protective as Draconis also pointed out before. I don't want to let anyone in too close because I'm afraid I'll get hurt somehow. My family members are the only ones I feel I can completely trust.

I don't think I can change these things about myself. Am I going to feel lonely and unloved for the rest of my life? Sorry this is so pathetic. I appreciate your input and/or support.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Don't be sorry, you are depressed. You were low on self esteem and this guy gave you attention for some time. This made you feel better even if it was artificial. Do you get out for hobbies? Maybe a large part of your relationship and your life hangs on the issues you have brought up here. Maybe all hope isn't lost but you crave social interaction.

draconis


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

We talked about independence before. Getting some friends would be a great step. By the way, does your husband have friends?


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Draconis- I do have hobbies, which I've mentioned before I think...hip-hop dance, exercising, shopping, and reading. 3 out of 4 can easily be done independently. I think I'm a bit awkward in social situations, not really sure what to say...more accurately worried about what others will think about what I say. I do crave social interaction, and not having any friends really makes me feel like a loser. (Yes, I know...low self-esteem, but I am only being honest).

MT- Getting some friends is a great idea...believe me, I've tried. I would love nothing more. Like I said though, it just hasn't happened. I have been making an effort lately with my co-workers to find some connection. I can talk with people, but never get beyond that initial acquaintance stage. It's strange, I'm a bit of an introvert, but I still do yearn to have social interaction, especially in small groups of people where I feel safe. As for your question about my husband, he has friends at work and friends he's made and lost contact with over the years, but he doesn't have anyone he goes and does things with. He doesn't think he needs anything more than his family.

I can bring up diagnoses all day (SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER), but it doesn't change that I have to deal with it somehow. 

This really may be nothing that anyone can help me solve, but I was curious what you guys thought about my responses about "The 5 Love Languages Book"? Most of the questions were difficult for me to answer honestly. Have you read the book or seen the questionnaire? It would be nice to have at least one healthy, successful relationship in my life.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Somebody wrote a book called 'feel the fear but do it anyway' or something like that. I have never read the book, but the title has always been my mantra. Lots of things scare me, but if I waited until the fear went, I would never try anything new.

It's like climbing into a cold swimming pool. At some point you just make up your mind to "take the plunge".


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

You are exactly right. Tackling my fears has been a work in progress for me. I make strides forward, then take a few steps back...or something like that. I know you may think the bi-polar thing has no significance, but I can tell you how much I see the changes and patterns in me over time. This is one of those times where I just wish I could escape this world. A couple of weeks ago, I'm thinking I'm going to go out there and find the guy of my dreams. See the cycle? Overconfident....timidity and self-hatred. I've been like this all my life, which is why I have told my husband he's better off without me. I just have to tell it like it is.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

P.S. I won't take that plunge into cold swimming pools anymore. I know it's an analogy, but it's kind of a strange link to me personally.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well when you're "up" your husband can enjoy you, and when you're down he can just love you - if you let him. The fact that he wants to carry on with you shows that you can't be quite as bad as you make out.

Have you finished that book yet?


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Ha ha...no spare time...school starts in a few days, plus I have a book club book I haven't even put a dent in. How's that for making excuses. 

My husband's not that bad, but we both have our faults. We just have to figure out if we can live with them.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I shall not write again until you have read it.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

That's not fair...and not very nice. I don't think you would be that mean to me. My husband gets back tomorrow, so who knows what kinds of problems we might face? There are a lot of supporters on this forum that I'm sure would be willing to help me if you are unwilling.

I promise I will get to it when I can. At least, I bought the book...that should mean something. Besides, avoidance is something I'm good at...at least give me that much. Seriously, though, I am so exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally right now, I don't think it would do much good to read it at the moment. Why do today what I could put off 'til tomorrow?

(At least I don't sound depressed, right?) Thanks for helping me keep my sense of humor.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

hey guiltygirl~

I can relate to the whole social anxiety thing. I dont have any friends either. And I noticed that in my marriage everything my H does becomes magnified because of it. I rely so much on him for all kinds of support that when he doesnt give me everything i need i freak out. So to me when that boy you were writing didnt give you what you needed it was magnified because you relied on him solely for so many needs. I do not think any one person can meet all needs. They can meet some of them some of the time. This is just something i keep in mind when wondering if I am having realistic expectations from my H.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

It's nice to know someone can identify with me. I have tried making new friends...for example, my sister got me involved in a book club that meets once a month. This is really nice, but none of these people are close friends to me. I find myself incapable of forming this type of relationship, and I know I was somewhat capable at one time. I was very fearful of being in relationships with the opposite sex, though. It's embarrassing, but my first 2 sexual encounters were while I was completely wasted, and I don't remember much. I relied on alcohol in order to socialize at all around my late teens/early twenties, and that's how I met my husband. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all of this, but what you said triggered something in my mind...memories of old.

Anyhow, back to what you were saying, I think we do rely heavily on our spouses to give us everything we need, and they should be freaked out. By the same token, I often feel like the only thing my husband needs from me is sex. Since that isn't my top priority, I don't go out of my way to make him happy. End result...neither of us is getting what we need. Crazy, huh?

As far as the other guy goes, I've been having fantasies about him and other guys that aren't my husband for years. I used to think this was really wrong since I was married, but now I think it's harmless unless you get to the point I did. I needed someone to make me feel excited and enthralled...and this guy did that, without even trying. I still check my messages every day to see if he responded to my last lukewarm message. Nope...each day I feel more depressed and stupid. I am married. I don't even know this guy well. I think I just want someone to be excited about and someone to be excited about me. Instead, I feel rejected.

So what do you think the solution is for people (say, like us) who have difficulty making friends. How do we get our needs met without driving our husbands crazy?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> I needed someone to make me feel excited and enthralled...and this guy did that, without even trying. I still check my messages every day to see if he responded to my last lukewarm message. Nope...each day I feel more depressed and stupid. I am married. I don't even know this guy well. I think I just want someone to be excited about and someone to be excited about me. Instead, I feel rejected.
> 
> So what do you think the solution is for people (say, like us) who have difficulty making friends. How do we get our needs met without driving our husbands crazy?


I used to be very addicted to the attention I got from guys. It was exciting and distracting for me. It covered up some deep seeded issues. Problem is, once I was married and those issues started to show, I had nothing to distract me. Life was not fun anymore. I actually had to deal with myself. that is never cool.

Well, here is how I have learned to handle my anti-social behavior. Most of the time I am viewed as being a snob, rude, offensive, etc. It used to bother me and i wanted to be like everyone else. I used to have such anxiety about it. Which is kind of where attention from guys came in to play also. I found out that I could easily slide into a social circle by eliciting the attention of a guy. Nothing to it. Well, cant do that anymore either so i've been stuck in a conundrum for some time. 

Counselors will inevitably try and 'fix' anti social people. giving one the impression that there is something inherently 'wrong'. I have decided, after much reading, classes, and observing of behaviors, that I am ok being anti-social and that there is nothing 'wrong' with it. Sure sometimes i take my daily dose of meds and go talk to a few folks, but that is just to create some balance in my life. But i feel no need anymore to push myself any further then I am comfortable.

I would say that I have learned to be incredibly self reliant as far as emotional needs go. I have to if this is the lifestyle I am choosing. I used to feel resentful for feeling like I had to hide my emotions and deal with things on my own. but now i realize that it is just my choice. Just because i choose to be anti-social does not mean my husband all of a sudden becomes more then human. he cant be something just because i want him to be something. and if i love him at all i will try to respect who he is and what he can give.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Wow! Great response. You seem to have reached a destination of near Zen. I guess I mean that you've figured out how to accept who you are and how to balance your lifestyle. You know, it's nice to hear you say that it's "okay" to be anti-social or whatever. Although, anxiety is a real problem for many people, many people don't realize or accept it. I have often been considered a snob, etc. as well. If only people knew the real me...I'm nurturing, kind, caring, and a bit annoying at times. But hey, nobody's perfect, right?

I love the last part of what you wrote...you have the appropriate attitude about your situation. (Sorry, but I can't seem to figure out the quote button...technology's not really my strength.)

"Just because i choose to be anti-social does not mean my husband all of a sudden becomes more then human. he cant be something just because i want him to be something. and if i love him at all i will try to respect who he is and what he can give."


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> You seem to have reached a destination of near Zen.


:lol: no, hardly. maybe as far as the anti social thing goes but as far as my marriage goes im very nearly a disaster.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear that. If you don't mind me asking, what's going on? Is it similar to my situation, or does it involve those deep-seeded issues you referred to in your post? Sorry if I'm being nosy, but I can't sleep, and you have been kind in your responses.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well its similar to what you are going through. i completely understand wanting to flirt with other guys online. sometimes even now i really miss those days. in the beginning of my marriage i actually wrote to an old 'fling' of mine. it was hard dropping that because i was left with very unpleasant things, both with myself and with my relationship. so in that area i have reached no amount of zen, only more questions and loneliness. but then i link the loneliness back to the anti social behavior. i think im just accepting that i will always feel this loneliness and lack of connection. i know most people would freak out over that statement thinking i should never accept it, but eh. its just not worth the energy to combat anymore.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

ljtseng- Are you really happy just to accept the lonliness and lack of connection? I think life is too short. Many of the members/supporters have helped me to begin changng my thinking about these things. But, the reason I even got on this forum in the first place was because I was tired of my situation and decided it was time for a change. You don't feel that way?

Soon, my husband will be returning home, and we will attempt to tackle the issues we have in our relationship. I am skeptical that anything will change, but I guess that's not a very good attitude. I am at least taking some of the advice from the other members. This is helping some, but I still feel this desperate feeling of wanting to run away from my current situation. I'm sure I wouldn't be any happier...I could actually be more miserable in the end. Who knows?

But, what about you? You don't want to be happy? Or do you just feel that you couldn't be happy in a way that would be healthy for your marriage?

This is going to sound totally lame, but any suggestions about the situation with the guy on myspace? I left him a brief, non-threatening message a few days ago, just being friendly, and he hasn't responded. I feel so dejected. How can I stop worrying about this guy who has no meaning in my life? I only ask because you said you went through a similar thing. (I guess it's the thrill of it all)

Anyway, MT suggested reading Mating in Captivity (Esther Perel)...not sure it's for everyone, but I have begun reading it, though with a little apprehension. So far though, the book makes a great deal of sense to me. You might check it out too. Best wishes!


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

There is always room for change in our lives. Until the fifth grade I was an anti-social person then I started to collect a few close friends. In seventh grade I met a friend that was chrismatic in nature. Seeing his status and physical appearance you never would have thought so, but I studied how he was. Slowly I adjusted my behavior in a way more like him but in my own style. By the end of high school I was the most popular person there. 

We can change are behaviors when our will is great enough.

draconis


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Where there's a will, there's a way. That's the quote right? Where do people find the will? I'm just not feeling it...I don't feel I can force it. Maybe I'll change my mind though. We'll see. 

You have an advantage in that you changed your behavior as a youngster. I'm 34...I think there's little chance of me changing at this point. I don't want to keep blaming mental issues, but I do believe they are a factor for me. I am taking baby steps to improve myself, but it's a slow process. Hubby's home. Thanks!


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I am sure the bi-polar has a bit of an effect on you. I have a ready close friend that has a similar issue. However, I want you to know that I have changed (I hope) for the better through out my life. I have conquered fears and went for broke to achieve dreams or know that atleast I tried. At 30 I had an onset to a rare MD. I gained weight, and struggled with simple daily functions that once where normal like typing on a keyboard. I once did 60 wpm and was certified. Now I can't use three of my fingers and 40% of my left arm functions are gone. It took a lot of will power to stay on an extremely restrictive diet for 6 months. Using suppliments, diet, three doctors, a physical therapist and a dietian I managed to do what was near impossible and right many issues. So even late in life I tackled hard problems, battled depression and had to change to get to where I am. It is always hard but the more of a challenge something is the more you feel like you have "won" in the end.

draconis


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> You don't want to be happy? Or do you just feel that you couldn't be happy in a way that would be healthy for your marriage?


Ya, it is that im learning that my idea of what it meant to be happy has since been relabeled as codependent :banghead:. 

Ok i was thinking today about how i got over the whole attention addiction. Because quite honestly i wasnt sure, i just knew that it was fading away. But i think what it came down to was being confronted by something, for the first time, that I actually cared about- my relationship. 

But first, as far as you feeling dejected, well that is because you have an external definition of self-worth. You take from the outside and try to bring it in. If you were to sit in a room and just meditate and try to get a feel for how you define your worth, you will find you are in conflict with your internal needs. 

This meditation is where my process of dropping my 'friends with benefits' started. I had to ask myself, what do i really want? well, i wanted to be at peace, but more then that i knew I would have to choose between playing around and a 'real' relationship. So, think about it. When you are writing those guys pay attention to how you are feeling. Dont analyze how you are feeling. Just feel it. Dont try and put labels on those feelings either. Dont try and call it this or that. Just feel it. 

Contrast those feelings with what you actually want for yourself, like peace, happy, relaxed, and internal self-worth, and a man that really loves and cares about you. You might find that what you really want and what you are actually doing are really conflicting.

So that is all i would suggest you start doing. Start paying attention to what you are really feeling-you know, the depression, dejection, pain, and confusion, and realize that this behavior is what is causing it.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng- Nice one 

As far as change goes, the ideal for me is to change the situation by reversing the unneeded changes that have already taken place.

What I mean by that is that maximum contentment in life comes from becoming who we really are, instead of living out of a fabricated belief of who we are. Our upbringing has filled us full of concepts that have nothing to do with the real Ljtseng, or Guiltygirl, or MarkTwain.

So what we need to do is relax into who we really are. It's like slipping into a warm tub and letting out an Ahhhhhh. Yep, it can be a very nice process.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Draconis- I was unaware of everything you have gone through. You are obviously a very strong person and an inspiration to us all. I know I often feel sorry for myself, when so many others have it so much worse. I feel I have begun to change, but am still a work in progress as I have said before. Every fear I have faced and conquered definitely has made me feel stronger...you are right about that. Fear does sometimes still have that stronghold in my life though.

ljtseng- very insightful response. Thanks for your honesty...you are right about me seeking the approval or attention of others. In the end, it makes me more anxious and depressed which is not a good thing. In other words, you're suggesting that I cease this behavior that is causing me to feel so desperate. Good advice.

MT- I love how you twist things around to make them complex, yet it seems that, to you, they are so simple. You are absolutely right about being who you really are. I think I have started to realize this over the last few months, which is why I have grown stronger and more confident for the most part. That's why I started considering separation to begin with, because I didn't like what was going on in my marriage, and I felt I had the power to change it. I do somehow always manage to fall back into my old ways though...it's difficult to change a habit. My habit consists generally of not liking who I am and feeling that others couldn't possibly like me either. That's where I start thinking my husband would be better off without me. Somehow, I got to learn how to erase all those negative tapes in my mind that have been there for years. Nice simile in the end of your post!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl-

If I have made it seem complex, I have failed, but I am a little wordy at times. Ultimately, you don't need to struggle with erasing the "tapes" playing in your head. Instead, if you just smile at those tapes, whenever they are playing, and just love yourself, and accept that sometimes those tapes will play, and sometimes other ones will play, then it will all get a lot easier.
​


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Thanks MT, I will try.


----------

