# feeling lost and broken after husband's affair



## Sadmanch (Nov 20, 2012)

I have never posted on a forum before of any description but feel that I need to tell my story and reach out to anyone who may be able to offer advice.

I met my husband when I was 14 years old and although we did separate for a time when I went away to university/college we have been together ever since. He has been my best friend and the great love of my life. We got married just under 2 years ago. My friends would talk about us as the 'perfect couple' and I felt absolutely certain that he was not the kind of person who would ever cheat. I had absolute trust in him.

In the last year we have experienced some difficulties with our respective families and in particular his brother dying in very tragic circumstances after he took his own life. However, despite that I felt that we always supported each other and remained close.

A few months ago he started acting very strangely and eventually after I pushed to try and find out what was wrong, he confessed to having slept with a woman who he met on a drunken night out (when I was away for the weekend with friends). As the weeks went by and we attended some counseling the story gradually got worse and he admitted that they were still in touch by text and that he had seen her more than once. At first he claimed they only slept together the first time they met, until one night I saw a text message from her on his phone and he then admitted they had been sleeping together for 2 months. 

He says that he was so certain that our marriage was over after the first night that he just allowed himself to get carried away with the affair as he thought he had lost me. Since I have found out the full extent of the affair he has done everything I have asked of him. It was necessary for him to change his number because after he ended it she kept sending text messages to him (which he would show me). It was incredibly painful to see messages from another woman saying she knew he had asked her not to contact him but she was missing him so much.

I genuinely believe from the change in his behavior and the man I know he really is that it is over between them. But I can't seem to get over it. I have had a very successful career which I feel is on the verge of collapse. I am constantly being pulled into meetings by my boss who feels that my performance isn't as good as it should be. I find myself so upset and depressed one day, and then consumed with anger the next. 

I want so much to be able to get over what has happened but I just can't seem to do it. I don't know how my life ended up such a mess and I feel totally alone (despite having some lovely friends who have done everything they can to be there for me). If anyone has been through this and may know some ways to help I would be most grateful. I love my husband so very much and I really believe he loves me. I don't want our marriage to fail but feel that it will if I can't find a way through this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## SelfTweaks (Nov 11, 2012)

First of all, welcome to the forum. We can all sympathize with your pain and are here for you.

But you wanted some advice and it's really simple:

You cannot do anything else until you decide whether you can forgive your husband for cheating on you.

Your life is literally falling apart because you can't make a decision. It's also not fair to you or your husband by pretending that all is ok when it isn't.

You need to decide whether you can forgive him. 

If you decide to divorce, then we can offer support and advice on how to deal with moving on and picking up the pieces of your life.

If you decide to forgive him, then we can offer support and advice on how to deal with moving on and pick up the pieces of your life.

That's what I recommend because everything you do after that hinges on this decision.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Your life is going to be rough for a while yet.

The only thing that dulls this pain is time.

Keep in mind you will be reminded of this event for the rest of your life. You'll find, after enough time passes, that it bothers you less. You'll also find, that even if you go on to a wonderful marriage with this man, years down the road and in the most random places, something will bring this pain back as intense as you feel it now.

The feelings you are experiencing now are completely normal. I would suggest you embrace them instead of repress them. This will help you to process things more quickly.

There is no way to fix what has happened. Your husband may be a good man - and he made a very bad decision. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to live with the constant reminders of the pain, or not.

There is a thread here somewhere, that describes the way you feel now and I think it makes a lot of sense....I don't have a link handy. But essentially, the feeling is described as if the man you married died the second you found out about this. He was replaced by...the person who killed him. You have to deal with the grieving process of losing the husband you thought you had, while simultaneously dealing with the resentment of looking at the person who killed him....


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## Sadmanch (Nov 20, 2012)

Thank you. I certainly want to forgive, but I think it is right to say that my attempts to do that so far have been by me trying to repress how hurt I am. I keep trying to press the rewind button, because having to accept that the life we had before has gone is very hard.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Sadmanch said:


> having to accept that the life we had before has gone is very hard.


Indeed. Your life will never be the same.

Acceptance is a requirement for inner peace on this matter whether you stay with him or not.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi Sadmanch,

Its very early days for you, what you are experiencing right now is grief. You are grieving the loss of everything you knew to be real and true. It really doesn't feel much different to the pain of losing a loved one to death. I know, I have been there, and i'm sure many BS know what I mean when I say that.

It sounds like you are trying to reconcile (R) and that your husband (H) has finally told you it was more than a one night stand (ONS) so that is a start. Also that he is making some headway in doing the right thing...

Do you feel he has told you everything? Could there be more skeletons in his closet? Seriously there is nothing worse than finding out a year down the line of R that the wayward spouse (WS) has more to confess......although ultimately it is better 'out' than 'in', it is better to get the whole truth out as early as possible. If you have doubt about more possible cheats through out your relationship you could suggest he sit a polygraph? Watch his expression, is he keen to prove his honesty or is he hesitant? If you are in UK i can give you a good tester. You don't actually have to go through with this most times, their reaction is enough!


Don't imagine R is easy, it isn't...and like someone else said, this *reality* of what he's done to you will probably be around forever, should you continue to R. It wont suddenly all be better after a year or so.......but I'm hoping even though _we _wont ever fully mend from it, we will learn to carry the weight of it and be better placed to deal with it.

A lot of this comes directly down to your H, he cheated on you and now he has to make all the effort in trying to prove to you, above all else he has learned a valuable lesson, that he doesn't want to lose you, that he doesn't choose another over you, and that he will always put you first. This has to be his choice, and your choice has to be, do you love him enough to imagine you will be able to forgive him one day? It's way too early to be forgiving him now, this is something that is earned.....it takes time, it takes patience.

If you both want your marriage to survive this affair(A) then you both have to talk, talk and talk some more.....you both have to analyse why H ended up in A situation. Not that it is your fault in any way, only he made that choice....but the reality of it is, something wasn't right in the marriage for him to become 'open' to an A. A good choice at that point would have been for him to come to you and talk.......but things are never that simple.

You need a lot of support right now from people who know what you are going through, so keep talking here, you will be given good advice (mostly) but anything that doesn't sit well with you, you can leave it behind....you will soon enough figure out what is helpful and what is not.

I wish you all the best.


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## Sadmanch (Nov 20, 2012)

Thank you for your comments gemjo. I think the polygraph idea is an interesting one. At this point I do think I have got the truth, but the drip-feeding of facts over months has been very hard and I do worry that the 'truth' only came out when he was forced into a corner. On one occasion it was me demanding to see his online phone bill to prove they were no longer in contact that made him admit they were, and it was finding a text that led to the confession that it was an ongoing A. 
Only this last weekend did I find who she is i.e. name, whereabouts, job etc. H says he doesn't want me to torture myself with information but I feel I need to know to fully understand.

It is so good to find this site and realise that there are others going through the same thing. Helps to know I am not just going mad!


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

hmm something to consider affairs once caught often go underground.... my exh lied to my face that there was no contact with the OW, then i found his secret email address using a keylogger (guess who he was talking to). often the also get disposable cell phones as well, he knows you can see the phone bill so he wont use that anymore. the fact that he trickle truthing you is not good. the affair is like a drug and is very hard to give up. i hope you are in real "R", the best advice given to me here for "R"" is trust but verify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Sadmanch said:


> Thank you for your comments gemjo. I think the polygraph idea is an interesting one. At this point I do think I have got the truth, but the drip-feeding of facts over months has been very hard and I do worry that the 'truth' only came out when he was forced into a corner. On one occasion it was me demanding to see his online phone bill to prove they were no longer in contact that made him admit they were, and it was finding a text that led to the confession that it was an ongoing A.
> Only this last weekend did I find who she is i.e. name, whereabouts, job etc. H says he doesn't want me to torture myself with information but I feel I need to know to fully understand.
> 
> It is so good to find this site and realise that there are others going through the same thing. Helps to know I am not just going mad!


Yeah i had a similar story, H didn't have any emotional involvement so to speak..but the way I got the info, much like you, I had to push right into a corner before he'd admit.

He admitted to first, only when i found out from contacting the OW (I pretended to be him) and she told me what i asked...then he lies for a year, promising me the world....desperate to keep us together, and very sad and appeared very remorseful, but i just knew in my gut that there was more. A full year later i asked him to take a poly........ booked for the following Friday, He confessed the previous Saturday to two further ONS with colleagues.

I cancelled the booking with this new info, and now he has offered to go ahead with it, and book it himself..which is something I haven't ruled out.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

OP, can you take some time off work? Would probably be the best, or talk to your boss privately and explain the situation without going into too much detail.

Going to be blunt here, if you really want to heal you're going to have to shove the crap sandwich down your throat. He's still going to have to work on proving to you he's going to really change but ultimately it comes down to you.

If you can't shove that crap sandwich all the way down and get it out of your system, it'll never work. The easy way is just to throw it away and get a real sandwich.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It's so early in the process, you are still in a state of complete shock. 

Are you going to a therapist? You should be. You need a neutral sounding board. 

Have you told him that you want all his cell phone bills visible and on the table. I wish I had insisted on that. It's one small thing he has to do for you. 

How remorseful is he? Does he listen when you talk and cry about the betrayal? 

Why was he 'so certain your marriage was over' Is this some kind of lame excuse or explanation for dropping his pants?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Zombie thread.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why do these Zombie threads keep getting resurrected?!

I get duped every time... Read the whole thread, get ready to comment, then Bam!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Why do these Zombie threads keep getting resurrected?!
> 
> I get duped every time... Read the whole thread, get ready to comment, then Bam!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why I first check the dates of any thread I jump into. Been bitten too many times.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Why do these Zombie threads keep getting resurrected?!
> 
> I get duped every time... Read the whole thread, get ready to comment, then Bam!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probably one of the following scenarios...

* Poster X browses for threads w/ specific keywords in the title (possibly germane to his/her own situation), finds one, reads through, doesn't notice dates, posts a response.

* Poster X is reading a current thread, scrolls to the end, and sees links to other threads below. He/she pulls up the thread, reads through, doesn't notice dates, blah blah blah.

I've almost done it myself. Hell, scratch that... I've *probably* done it myself.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Probably one of the following scenarios...
> 
> * Poster X browses for threads w/ specific keywords in the title (possibly germane to his/her own situation), finds one, reads through, doesn't notice dates, posts a response.
> 
> ...


I guess that makes you a zombie.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Saki said:


> Your life is going to be rough for a while yet.
> 
> The only thing that dulls this pain is time.
> 
> ...


Wow, this part really resonates with me. This is exactly how I feel after finding out two affairs that my husband had. I miss and grieve the idea of what I thought my husband of 14 years was.


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