# Update....it has been a while.



## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

I am about 4 months out since D day. I had suspicions, had some evidence but just not enough proof until I went "snooping." I finally broke into his secret email account and found everything. Everything I needed was right there, phone records (he was using google voice- he was deployed when all of this happened). Let's just say it all hit the fan when he tried to log into the account, realized I had changed the password and had spent 3 hours printing and saving all of the evidence. 
As soon as he realized that it had all come out, strange enough he later revealed to me that he felt a sense of relief....he did not have to look over his shoulder, worry about me finding out. That struck me as weird, but now that we are in a different stage, I understand it. 
He came home from Iraq about 10 days after I found out. Timing was everything to me, I had to know before he came home. 
We have vowed together to rebuild our marriage- he did the NC letter with no hesitation- the same day I found out. He sent it to her and her family- since she was single and had sortof proudly introduced my husband to her mom through email during the deployment. He committed to counseling and things are getting better. We are working from the book "Torn Asunder" and using the workbook with help from our chaplain. This has proven to be eye opening for me. I realize that there were some things I was doing in our marriage that sortof set the stage for the affair- NOT that I am responsible for his behavior at all....he was deployed anyhow. He lied, rewrote the marriage and was essentially a textbook cheater. By using this forum, I realized what would come next and was able to handle each stage. I did not follow everyones advice to a T, but I took what I knew would work for my marriage and did what I felt was right at the time for me.
We are committed to rebuilding and some days are better than others, but there is HOPE. 
Thank you to everyone that helped me through this last year of discovery and for all of the advice that helped me along the way.


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

you are a very strong person, i could not forgive something like this


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Thanks for staying by your soldier. I was in Iraq and it is tough for both parties as it is. Add cheating and it is a double whammy. It is a shame that he dishonored you and his service by doing what he did. He should have came home a hero and not in disgrace. Hoping the best for you.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

mestalla guy said:


> you are a very strong person, i could not forgive something like this


I did not think I could either. Infidelity has always been my non negotiable. I have always said that was the one thing that would end a marriage without a doubt. 
To give a little more info....this was the most horrible year of my life. I was seeing the chaplain every week the entire year, talking to close friends and family (his and mine) and taking care of our 3 boys. I did everything I could to support him during the deployment- to keep my kids connected to him the best way I could. It was their deployment just as much as his. When I finally decided to break in to his "secret" email account- I had it set in my mind that I was sealing the fate of our marriage, that I would find everything I needed to know-- he would be angry that I was spying and of course it would end the marriage for multiple reasons. 
His reaction to my finding out and telling him we were over was completely opposite of what I expected. The NC letter was written within an hour, he sent me all the passwords for everything- his work email and all. Up until this deployment I had all of that anyway, which was the first indication something was wrong....all the sudden he needed privacy?!?!? Red flag. 
After 15 years of marriage, I know him better than anyone and I know that his shame and remorse is real. He is not rug sweeping anything and I know he feels the pain he caused me. He walked into Barnes and Noble and bought the books the chaplain told him to- to me that was a big deal as it clearly says on the front "overcoming an extramarital affair" 
I know now why people fall into depression, I certainly did and still feel anxiety. I also understand why people say that you never know until you are in the situation..... I never would have thought that I would forgive an affair. Really, right now I am working on forgiveness. 
I want a stronger, more intimate marriage and we are building the bond we want. Even tonight I had an emotional moment and told him that I wasn't sure which part of the betrayal was worse, the emotional or physical part- it depends on the day for me.
I am proud of what I did for our boys during the deployment and how I made them feel special and secure when it was something he could not provide. And he feels guilty that I was so supportive and he was so awful to me- I don't feel good about that, but it does let me know that he realizes what he put me through.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Thanks for staying by your soldier. I was in Iraq and it is tough for both parties as it is. Add cheating and it is a double whammy. It is a shame that he dishonored you and his service by doing what he did. He should have came home a hero and not in disgrace. Hoping the best for you.


I completely agree....I told him that before he came home. That he ruined my dream reunion, I had this picture of him coming home and me running to hug him....and honestly I told him I did not want to go to the ceremony because I was scared I might hit him or that I might get physically ill. I am glad that I have wonderful support and had many friends there to help me through the night. I did not want to have our boys miss the ceremony because of his behavior, they deserved to have that experience after all they had been through during the year. About 2 months in to the deployment he told me he wanted a divorce... destroyed the boys security, but I spent all of my energy to repair that in them. Seeing the chaplain, making sure they were priority number 1 to me since he was not engaged with them at all. Not by phone, email or anything. 
It was very hard to support him and then come to find out why he was being so awful to me. 
I think I set a great example for my boys and they are old enough to know some of what happened and why there are times we need to talk without them involved.
I do not regret going to the ceremony, I had a great friend capture the night in pictures for us....they are powerful and dramatic. There were not alot of words exchanged between us, but you can read our faces. It is as if there is nobody else in the room, and it was a magical experience for the boys. 
He feels shame for not handling himself different and for allowing himself to be vulnerable to this. I now see our marriage in a different light and I am hopeful that it will be stronger than ever, with time.
Thank you for your service.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Long distance relationships must be the hardest to mantain. Missing your spouse for such long periods has to be excruciating. Yet, like someone in the services, sacrifices are made for the rest of us at home.

Good luck and prayers
Chap


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