# Hello all! Im here because Im sure my marriage is over



## Cpethtel1

I dont know where to begin. Its been a long road. 29 year travel, my husband and I. Together at age 14. Now 43. I feel like I am on the verge of stepping back into my 14 year old self. What the hell happened? Im not sure. My parents divorced and moved out when I was 17. I followed him around like a puppy dog. He loved me like a man could love a woman. We were madly in love. He moved in and saved me from my miserable life of childhood abuse. We played house, then advanced to playing real house when we were 20 and bought our own home. Things rapidly changed. All of the sudden roles reversed. I was the one made in charge. I was the one that handled EVERYTHING! I was made the new boss in town. I didnt like it. I resented it. Alone to handle everything. Like his new Mother.

Eventually we got married and had 2 kids with difficulty. But, we are blessed! Lots of life struggles between. **** that all marriages go through. His drinking, nursing school for me, raising kids, his Dad dies, his Mom dies in a car accident, he became a mess. Out workin the night shift, then he would go to the bar every night after work. Drugs, women, all kind of bad ****. I found out, but begged him to stay. Fought through 7 last years of trying to make it work. So many years of resentment. Me being a *****, him being a cheater. He got me hooked on meth for a time until I OD'd and took myself to the hospital to get help. He lost his job, not his fault, but I mentally fell apart. Friend called CYS on me for drug use. Havent touched any since. It was a very short lived mistake, never to be made again. I actually was so screwed up, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on sleeping pills and antidepressants. Never in my life would I have done such a thing. I was always the responsible one. Always walked a straight line. 

When he found out about my suicide attempt, he came home, then went back to finish up work when the ambulance took me to hospital. What!? I dont even know how to process that! The EMTs told him that he wouldnt be able to come right in and see me at first, but to not even rush right over to wait!? What is that?! 29 years?! Its almost like he despises me. He's a good hearted man, hard worker, great Father, but I get nothing at all from him. Nothing! Our marriage has basically been sexless. He has his own issues in that department, but I have always been the understanding wife. But a wife whos overweight has to wonder, is it me?! Anyhow, he shows absolutely no affection, NEVER initiates sex the once in a blue moon we have it. But he still tells me he loves me. When I got out of the hospital when I got treatment, I told him all I needed was a hug now and then. But to no avail.

Ive almost left him I dont know how many times, but Im holding on until at least CYS is out of the picture. I am fully intact. Getting back to working FT. Trying to do good for the family and take care of everything. We are in financial ruins, about to lose our house. As he continues to not show me any love, I have been continuing to get nastier and nastier to him. I cant help it, it hurts too bad. Ive told him my feelings, and what I need from him over and over again through talk, text, love songs, love quotes, Ive poured my heart out over and over.

He says he loves me and wants to save his family, but he shows me nothing at all. I feel like hes lying to me. I really dont think he loves me. I really feel like I need to move on, but Im stuck financially, poor credit, cant get a place. I feel like this is impacting the kids very negatively, but they would be heartbroken if we split up. I am in anguish, dont know what to do?! Any words?


----------



## Mr.Married

EDIT....just reread your story...parents not a safe haven.

Do you have any friends close by that can offer support?


----------



## EleGirl

I added paragraph spacing to your post to make it easier to read.

How old he? I'm just wondering if there is much of an age difference.

If you want to try to fix this marriage, I suggest that you read the book "Divorce Busting". When you read it, pay extra attention to the chapter on changing the environment and it's effect on a relationship. You need to do that, per the way the book talks about, to wake him up. If that does not work, they perhaps you need to start working on an exit plan. You might not be able to leave today, but you can start working on it.

Change your focus from him to yourself. Form what you describe, a large part of your problem is that you are chasing him. Marital relationships are like dances, they have steps and one leads and the other follows. You are leading by being in the constant postion of begging him to love you, to show you affecion, love, etc He knows that you are going to stay because no matter how much you piss and moan, you do nothing. So he's learned to look as just someone who is in constant compaint mode. And why should he do any of the hard work of chaning if you are not serious enough to even act on leaving?

You need to turn your focus from him to yourself. You need to start doing things to love and care for yourself. You cannot change another person. The only person you have the power to change is yourself. So focus on yourself. Once you stop chasing him and beggin him to love you, he might just take note. At that point he will hopefully take note that he's losing you, he is not longer the center of the universe, and he needs to start changing to keep you.

He's happy with the marraige the way it is. He sees your complaining as just you letting off steam and *****ing. After all you just stay, and stay, and stay and have no bondaries. So why would he bother to change? He's happy so in his mind you are happy too... well except for you bitcing once in a while.

Stop expecting him to change and change yourself. By doing so you will change your entire relationship.

Here is soem reading for you. It's about the Walk-away Wife Syndrome. The author is the author of the Divorce Busting book.

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

So, in light of all that, how's your social life? What do you do for yourself? How do you take care of yourself?


----------



## brettyboo

EleGirl said:


> I added paragraph spacing to your post to make it easier to read.
> 
> How old he? I'm just wondering if there is much of an age difference.
> 
> If you want to try to fix this marriage, I suggest that you read the book "Divorce Busting". When you read it, pay extra attention to the chapter on changing the environment and it's effect on a relationship. You need to do that, per the way the book talks about, to wake him up. If that does not work, they perhaps you need to start working on an exit plan. You might not be able to leave today, but you can start working on it.
> 
> Change your focus from him to yourself. Form what you describe, a large part of your problem is that you are chasing him. Marital relationships are like dances, they have steps and one leads and the other follows. You are leading by being in the constant postion of begging him to love you, to show you affecion, love, etc He knows that you are going to stay because no matter how much you piss and moan, you do nothing. So he's learned to look as just someone who is in constant compaint mode. And why should he do any of the hard work of chaning if you are not serious enough to even act on leaving?
> 
> You need to turn your focus from him to yourself. You need to start doing things to love and care for yourself. You cannot change another person. The only person you have the power to change is yourself. So focus on yourself. Once you stop chasing him and beggin him to love you, he might just take note. At that point he will hopefully take note that he's losing you, he is not longer the center of the universe, and he needs to start changing to keep you.
> 
> He's happy with the marraige the way it is. He sees your complaining as just you letting off steam and *****ing. After all you just stay, and stay, and stay and have no bondaries. So why would he bother to change? He's happy so in his mind you are happy too... well except for you bitcing once in a while.
> 
> Stop expecting him to change and change yourself. By doing so you will change your entire relationship.
> 
> Here is soem reading for you. It's about the Walk-away Wife Syndrome. The author is the author of the Divorce Busting book.
> 
> Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting
> 
> So, in light of all that, how's your social life? What do you do for yourself? How do you take care of yourself?


What she said.

However, could you tell us his point of view? What would he say about your relationship and why it is the way it is?


----------



## arbitrator

*I'm a rather strong advocate of MC and IC.

And in your case, probably involving some concentrated degree of substance abuse recovery for the both of you!*


----------



## Cpethtel1

Thank you for your sound advice Elegirl. I have 0 social life. Lost all my family and friends with me having a breakdown. Everyone dropped off. I dont do anything for me. I live for the family right now thats it. Thank you also for the resources.


----------



## Cpethtel1

Brettyboo, he would say he's fine and loves his family, and I need to stop being nasty and insulting. He also says, "yes, I know I need to show more affection". He shows 0 affection. Hes nice to me, but nicer to strangers he meets. He goes way out of his way to help other people. Im last on the list. He doesnt look at it like that though. He's a very compassionate person torwards others, but not me. Never has been. I think he just wants me to "Stop being like this". He just wants everything to be "normal". Sadly, that "normal" includes me handling everything, and not expect love.


----------



## Mr.Married

You went through nursing school so it's obvious you must be smart and have the ability to learn. There are many resources out there in the world
to help educate people about relationships. It is so easy to fall into the trap of " A good relationship should just happen on it's own". I myself fell into
this group. It took me 2 years of concentrated effort to get to where I wanted to be and I'm still using these tools today. The only person you can
change is yourself. Your surroundings will change based on your own change. If what you learn still doesn't save your current relationship you have
at least set yourself up in a better position for the next.

Listen to Elegirl...she has good advice.

Emotional feedback: As he continues to not show me any love, I have been continuing to get nastier and nastier to him. I cant help it, it hurts too bad. Ive told him my feelings, and what I need from him over and over again through talk, text, love songs, love quotes, Ive poured my heart out over and over.

The part about you getting nastier and nastier due to no emotional feedback is very common. I completely understand how this works because I can be the same way, just on a smaller level. Some "relationship education" will allow you to see how and why these things happen.

There is a long list of books you can read but I'm really not sure where you should begin. 

Be aware that the solution while your responsibility to get started will eventually take his active participation. A one-sided effort can't raise a marriage from the ashes.


----------



## Cpethtel1

Mr. Married, thank you for the advice. Your last line is very impactful.


----------



## sunsetmist

Cpethtel1 said:


> I
> 
> 
> Ive almost left him I dont know how many times, but Im holding on until at least CYS is out of the picture. I am fully intact. Getting back to working FT. Trying to do good for the family and take care of everything. We are in financial ruins, about to lose our house. As he continues to not show me any love,* I have been continuing to get nastier and nastier to him.* I cant help it, it hurts too bad. Ive told him my feelings, and what I need from him over and over again through talk, text, love songs, love quotes, Ive poured my heart out over and over.
> 
> He says he loves me and wants to save his family, but he shows me nothing at all. I feel like hes lying to me. I really dont think he loves me. I really feel like I need to move on, but Im stuck financially, poor credit, cant get a place. I feel like this is impacting the kids very negatively, but they would be heartbroken if we split up. I am in anguish, dont know what to do?! Any words?


The title of your thread is very telling. You are overwhelmed--almost reached the breaking point. Your reactions to the pain you feel because you have no intimacy or connection (drugs, suicidal gesture, *****ing) hurt you and no one else. As others have said, work on yourself. 

First, pick one thing--say *****ing. Just stop (does no good anyway and is a waste of time). You can choose to do this. Walk away if your mouth gets ahead of your brain. Be a good example for your kids. Practice this regularly--no excuses that you couldn't take it any longer. Emotional stress will cause headaches, overeating, stomachaches, crying, acting out for starters. Do the reading suggested while you are growing, maturing, not responding like a child. Then we'll pick a new task. This is up to you alone.


----------



## Cpethtel1

You are right sunsetmist. I appreciate the candidness. Being nasty is outwardly harmful to all. I try so hard. It just hurts so bad being in a loveless marriage. Its become toxic. I just need to find a way out.


----------



## Cpethtel1

Update: I need to be told what I already know. I had a stomach virus the other night and passed out and collapsed. When I came to, I had to beg my husband 5 times to call an ambulance. My BP dropped like a rock and I was going into hypovalemic shock. He wanted to drive me to the hospital. He finally called an ambulance. Paramedic said my BP was 77/44 when I was on couch. Then I went to get up to transfer to gurney, I collapsed again. I was ok, just needed a few bags of fluids. But when I askes my husband why he didnt want to call an ambulance, he got very mad at me and said he didnt want the bill, plus he could have just driven me, that Im being ridiculous for even bringing it up. So, Am I right, it's over, right?


----------



## sunsetmist

I lived in a loveless marriage way too long and don't recommend it. Kept expecting improvement--got worse. Hard to give up, but I was too foolish to see that was what he wanted--me to leave. The harder I tried, the meaner he got. He didn't show to pick me up at the hospital after serious surgery. I didn't have money for a cab. Was embarrassing to be checked out waiting--5-6 hours, staff feeling bad for me. BTW: he was on staff at the hospital.

Your health--life or death--yes, you already know. Believe me I feel bad for you. He'll deny all over the place once you decide to go--don't be dissuaded.


----------



## Mr.Married

Sorry Cp .....Try your best not to concentrate on who is right and who is wrong...it's a fools errand. Trying to apply logic to a house full of negative emotion never pans out. 
These things are easy for me to say but difficult for you to do as I'm not connected to the situation like you are, but this is what can also provide a certain "clarity" to us posters.
You really need to take a step back and try your best to make an HONEST NON BIASED look at your situation and ask yourself if this relationship can indeed become the one 
you want. It looks like the only good part was when you were dating...

Something to keep in mind: Even if you repair this you will still VERY LIKELY be the house boss responsible for everything....the part you resent the most.


----------

