# Thirty years, gone?



## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Super quick; ask questions please if needed. Together 30 years, Married 26. Living separately due to drug addiction, followed by infidelity and unemployment fraud. Crap, don't know my questions. Love her, but that's the old her I guess. What are my options in a 50/50 state (with reconciling being a consideration, but it's a serious addiction)? Or am I being stupid and need to understand that sometimes 30 years is long, but not forever..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t fix her and it takes two to R with her pulling the heavier load. Unless you just want to stay together and eat the **** sandwich she served you file and stop wasting your life. It’s short and you can’t get it back.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Appreciate the reply. Wish the truth wasn't so brutal, but I believe it is. Didn't get 'two to R', but got the whole message. Thanks.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

R stands for reconcile.

Sorry this is happening to you, but addicts can't be helped unless they want the help.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Who is the addict cheater, you or her?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is terribly sad. I think you are right though, that person is not the women you married. 

I think you need to keep a few things in mind. The person you R with will not be the person you married. Don't do it for nostalgia because you can't build a marriage on that. Also remember that your marriage was always going to end one day even if it was in one or your deaths. Everything in life does.

That being said maybe you see her as sick and you want to take care of her, but she has to be in recovery, that also doesn't mean you have to stay married to her, she broke your vows.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Who is the addict cheater, you or her?


Her


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Fedor said:


> Appreciate the reply. Wish the truth wasn't so brutal, but I believe it is. Didn't get 'two to R', but got the whole message. Thanks.


A marriage reconciliation takes two. You can’t do it alone.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Is she willing to get help for her addiction? Is she remorseful for cheating and does she want to reconcile and fix the damage she has done to you and the marriage. Please elaborate?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> Is she willing to get help for her addiction? Is she remorseful for cheating and does she want to reconcile and fix the damage she has done to you and the marriage. Please elaborate?


which begs the bigger-picture question. Is reconciliation something to even consider prior to positive steps (and time) taken regarding the addiction?


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> Is she willing to get help for her addiction? Is she remorseful for cheating and does she want to reconcile and fix the damage she has done to you and the marriage. Please elaborate?


No, she's a "functional meth user". Acts remorseful and wants to destroy his life. And even after I told her that the felony unemployment fraud must stop, she's still collecting. Just had a long talk to her about how she thought I was upset last night. We went through every dam text and she couldn't figure out where I got upset. She seemed very agitated; I'm sure she was using very recently.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Fedor said:


> No, she's a "functional meth user". Acts remorseful and wants to destroy his life. And even after I told her that the felony unemployment fraud must stop, she's still collecting. Just had a long talk to her about how she thought I was upset last night. We went through every dam text and she couldn't figure out where I got upset. She seemed very agitated; I'm sure she was using very recently.


'his life' is the POS that 'used her' because she was vulnerable and easy/convenient. She's always the victim.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, 30 years is awhile but you have potentially another 30 years ahead of you and I don’t think you want it to be similar. The odds of fixing all of that aren’t good. I’d say better to let it go.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Fedor said:


> 'his life' is the POS that 'used her' because she was vulnerable and easy/convenient. She's always the victim.


We need more than just a “like” option. Should be a “That’s so sad” option.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You should read your opening statement through the eyes of a complete stranger. The answer is more than obvious.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Since you're considering reconciliation, the only advice I can offer you is just stop it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

After reading your answers I gotta say that you got 30 and in your case 30 was a darn good run. Not every marriage is forever. Yours, like many of ours didn't make it to "til death due us part."


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The only way there's a shot in hell at successful reconciliation, is if she's hit rock bottom. Thats usually when addicts wake up to themselves. If that hasn't happened, don't even bother.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Fedor is rehab an option?


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Fedor is rehab an option?


No, she's not convinced that her using is an issue, and she's functional. Just came over with food, didn't go well. She's so convinced that she's 'broken' since a bad early childhood, that it's understandable that she was 'tricked/manipulated' repeatedly. She thinks she's making it better by telling me that, but I see it as a lack of remorse or sense of responsibility. Talking about infidelity since I've been dealing with the addiction for 4 years now, infidelity a week.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

So she was doing her dealer for dope?


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> So she was doing her dealer for dope?


No.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Always be careful when an addict tries to tell you about a broken childhood or whatever. It’s usually used as a justification to KEEP using not to STOP. The most dangerous times are exactly these, when they tell their sad story. 

Don’t force rehab, don’t help them, don’t offer advice or even listen. Their life is their life. 

Most of them only enter rehab if their actions lead to serious consequences, usually in trouble with debts, law etc or if they are faced with homelessness. 

I’m not judging addicts, or the people that have to live with them. But it’s really important that you find a life outside them if you choose to stay. So that means protecting assets, sanity etc. And consequences for that behaviour. 

So for example, if they ask for money and you don’t give it, they may resort to crime. Let that happen and then the law will deal with them, and that’s where you withdraw any support.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Ok, step 1, decide what is the right thing to do (done). Step 2, act on it; really struggling here. It would destroy her, but just faster than her current path. At times, I want our communication (text usually) to go poorly to make step 2 easier. Dammit.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Felony unemployment fraud?

Trying not to be offensive, but what a loser she is for continuing to do that. I hope she gets caught and pays the price.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Fedor said:


> Ok, step 1, decide what is the right thing to do (done). Step 2, act on it; really struggling here. It would destroy her, but just faster than her current path. At times, I want our communication (text usually) to go poorly to make step 2 easier. Dammit.


Staying in this and letting it destroy you. Why?


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Staying in this and letting it destroy you. Why?


Don't want to destroy her. A lot goes into 30 years, and when trying to decide to end it, it seems there are a lot of ties/connections/thoughts that need to be broken. Never said it was smart, or that I'm not going to; just that it's really hard. Anniversary in a week. lol. She moved out 4 days prior to our 25th. I hope she understands that there will be no celebration, even tiny.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

You don't need to destroy her, you only need to quit engaging her. She moved out. Quit communicating with her.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

I think that would destroy her. She's fragile right now. She knows she's done wrong and admitted it. But still claims she was 'broken' in her childhood, and would probably say I'm running away from our relationship (not untrue). Claims she wants to fix it, but that doesn't involve the attacking the addiction, and her continued unemployment benefits. I don't know about the cheating; she claims she wants to ruin his life for being used. 

I understand she sounds like a POS. Maybe she is, but she has a good heart, not so good decision making (for obvious reasons). I'm like a marathoner trying to get across the line that I know is necessary. And, appropriate enough, we're hitting #26 soon; another 365 yards to go? Somebody used the term 'nostalgia', and how that doesn't work in fixing a relationship; that hit home.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Your physical and mental health is important too, mate. If you want to fix it, not propping her up might be the way to do it. You can't stop her from destroying herself if she doesn't truly want to change, you can only delay and have her take you down with her.

You can't help this.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

dubsey said:


> Your physical and mental health is important too, mate. If you want to fix it, not propping her up might be the way to do it. You can't stop her from destroying herself if she doesn't truly want to change, you can only delay and have her take you down with her.
> 
> You can't help this.


Thanks. I understand and agree, but need reinforcement sometime (30 years gone; hard to accept).


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

And honestly, it is driving me down. Drinking more (from a social to daily drinker). Reason #5 to do what needs to be done. Insomniac, and lie in bed at night thinking about what _could_ happen after D. Yeah, being alone, which is a good thing for some, doesn't seem like a good thing for me. But I hear all about 'wait this amount of time to try to find someone to connect with'. Some say 'length of marriage / 2'. Uh, I might be dead then (lol, not lol).


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Fedor said:


> Don't want to destroy her. A lot goes into 30 years, and when trying to decide to end it, it seems there are a lot of ties/connections/thoughts that need to be broken. Never said it was smart, or that I'm not going to; just that it's really hard. Anniversary in a week. lol. She moved out 4 days prior to our 25th. I hope she understands that there will be no celebration, even tiny.


That’s not my point. Save yourself. Don’t let this destroy you.

No contact is your best friend. Indecision your worst enemy.

Yea, no celebration. Why would you even try?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you can’t drop the hopium pipe this won’t get better.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> If you can’t drop the hopium pipe this won’t get better.


Y'all just keep pushing me in the right direction, with logical reasons. That will help my heavily logical mind to get over the 'omg, 30 years' emotional situation (i.e. not good now, not for a while, but possibly... [no] ). Appreciate the responses.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Fedor said:


> Y'all just keep pushing me in the right direction, with logical reasons. That will help my heavily logical mind to get over the 'omg, 30 years' emotional situation (i.e. not good now, not for a while, but possibly... [no] ). Appreciate the responses.


You control only you. Right now you are your biggest problem.

I get it but you can either let her go or go down with her. You and your life count too.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Just lay it all out there. Put together a long post. Every single thing that's gone on and gone wrong. By the time your done, and you re-read it a few times, submit it, you'll feel better. Sometimes you need to say the quiet part out loud for it to get through to yourself.

Public statements, even if they're mostly anonymous, can be therapeutic and help hold yourself accountable to what you truly want.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Yeah. Sounds so easy after drinking. But I/


dubsey said:


> Just lay it all out there. Put together a long post. Every single thing that's gone on and gone wrong. By the time your done, and you re-read it a few times, submit it, you'll feel better. Sometimes you need to say the quiet part out loud for it to get through to yourself.
> 
> Public statements, even if they're mostly anonymous, can be therapeutic and help hold yourself accountable to what you truly want.


Ok, I'll try. Give me a minute to gather my thoughts, speak coherently (I have been drinking; I mean, my wife left me after 30 years so don't judge please). I'll lay it all out there.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No judgment but Booze is a depressant and will make this worse not better.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Fedor said:


> Yeah. Sounds so easy after drinking. But I/
> 
> Ok, I'll try. Give me a minute to gather my thoughts, speak coherently (I have been drinking; I mean, my wife left me after 30 years so don't judge please). I'll lay it all out there.


Do it tomorrow then or in a day or two, just get your thoughts out of your head and out there.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Ok, everything. Me: programmer (don't need specifics), her: dancer. We met in 90. We were inseparable from then until around 96. Her drinking was a problem; caused unnecessary arguments. We, after 5 years, went to counseling. We got along great for 2 years (then stopped counseling). Decided to have a child. FFwd 18 years; the marriage was hard due to her drinking, and my 'work is the main concern'. Son, but I was truly not the best father. Nothing bad. Just not enough good. It's not my strength. I love him and would die for him, but striking up a conversation about really deep things that he has in his head, well, please talk to me. But hard to bring it up to him. Major issue on my side.

At the 22 year mark, she fell back on a Mth addiction. She is 'functional'; i call ********. 3 years in, she wants to move out, have me court her. So I get her an apt. Now/today, year 2 begins.

My issues: I'm too focused on work, and an introvert. Those didn't sit well with her. That's understandable, and why this is not a 'she is a b*' argument. We both had issues. But, start Mth, and it becomes a whole different ballgame.

4 days before 25th anniv, I agree to pay for apt and we separate.

8 months later, after watching CC and bank statements, I realize she has income. Then (don't ask why, but if you do, I'll answer), I realize she's probably cheating on me. And, unemployment benefits for someone that hasn't worked in 20 years. So, additional concern about IRS issues. Eventually, it all comes out (from her) as true.

GD, where was I going? I guess now. She moved out, cheated, claimed she was abused/manipulated (multiple times, 'I don;t know how many times' type of sht) because she was 'broken' (abused as a child, which she was), but taking no responsibility for it. Not Her Fault

More things, but that's the jist. Ask if you want more.

Where am I? Want a divorce, don't want to lose what I've worked 30 years for as she puts me in a position of felony unemployment fraud, and the cheating, oh god the cheating. And want to find an honest happy person to move on with. At 55 (ugh, but very young looking [not feeling] 55).

And don't want to destroy her. Although I know she's on that path.

Appreciate all responses. Need to sleep after deciding the clear path (i.e. lawyer A, date B) that this will follow.

- Fedor (MMA fighter; anyone know him?)


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Fedor said:


> Claims she wants to fix it, but that doesn't involve the attacking the addiction, and her continued unemployment benefits. I don't know about the cheating; she claims she wants to ruin his life for being used.


She can CLAIM she wants to fix everything, but none of her actions SHOW that she will or is doing anything to do that.
YOU cannot take the blame for this --it is all on her. Being "abused" when young is a BS excuse. There are lots of people like that who have NOT cheated, gone heavy into drugs, etc..
SHE is trying to EXCUSE her behavior -- she is not taking ownership of it. "Oh, it's not MY fault that I am like this" -- umm, yeah it is.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Fedor said:


> And don't want to destroy her. Although I know she's on that path.


YOU are not destroying her -- SHE is doing that to herself, and trying to drag you down with her.
You need to do what you need to protect yourself, emotionally, and financially.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No easy fix. Drug addicts and drunks have to want to be better. She’s happy where she’s at.

Get to a real good attorney.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

So, my hope is a collaborative divorce where she gets enough to get by on (2/3/400K?), but I don't lose my 401k that I've worked my ass for. Is that selfish? 50/50 seems so unreasonable here. Is it a situation where I propose some collaborative agreement, but if not, dirty laundry comes out (leverage, hate to say it)? Or, file, lose 50%, move on?

That's my big dilemma. Am I focused on the wrong things, or do I deserve more than 50%? The emotional issues (her and I) will be there regardless.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> No easy fix. Drug addicts and drunks have to want to be better. She’s happy where she’s at.
> 
> Get to a real good attorney.


and probably a good therapist who also deals with addiction to help you through it.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

I've gotta stop. Another night of too much drinking. Was a social drinker until a year ago (her moving to apt), but feel dumb to blame her. I'd appreciate any thoughts. Y'all are helping go in the right direction, and it's really hard without help from others.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Fedor said:


> So, my hope is a collaborative divorce where she gets enough to get by on (2/3/400K?), but I don't lose my 401k that I've worked my ass for. Is that selfish? 50/50 seems so unreasonable here. Is it a situation where I propose some collaborative agreement, but if not, dirty laundry comes out (leverage, hate to say it)? Or, file, lose 50%, move on?
> 
> That's my big dilemma. Am I focused on the wrong things, or do I deserve more than 50%? The emotional issues (her and I) will be there regardless.


See an attorney no one here is qualified to answer those questions.

Better lay off the booze now. For your own good. You are only making this worse.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Knock off the drinking! Alcohol and drugs don't let you think clearly and that will compound your mistakes. You see her doing that, don't you do it too. 

Stop guessing, you need real answers.

1) To make proper decisions you need to get legal counsel from an attorney as to your position and liabilities in all of this mess!

2) Find help, guidance, and techniques to help you cope with your addicted wife here... Welcome

Best


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You know that you’re not destroying her, she’s destroying herself? 

So you taking care of you is not an act of unkindness. 

Don’t feel guilty for her rock bottom, you know you’re doing worse for her by enabling and prolonging her inevitable end? And that letting her go is the kindest thing you could do?

Remember in Forest Gump when Jenny comes back with a kid & AIDS? He takes her in and cares for her?

I wish he’d said no, Jenny died without healing.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd see an attorney ASAP, and I'd also be very worried about the unemployment fraud and how to make sure you aren't implicated, as you are legally married. Are you in any way sharing the fraudulent funds and are they going into an account associated with your name?

Edited to add, in my line of work I've seen people caught for unemployment fraud, the result wasn't pretty, and the amount was small potatoes compared to the large haul I'm guessing this woman is pulling in.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

No, the funds don't go to a bank account so I'm not tied to it other than being married. And she's getting the minimum amount, although COVID relief money also.

I talked to one attorney but was thoroughly unimpressed. I have a couple of good attorneys recommended by an attorney friend from another state. They're expensive, but I think I'll have to go that route. 

And I need to stop drinking so much. I've known that but haven't been very successful.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are where you are out of you own volition. Now you want to get out scotch free and still being a dud for her. You probably married without a whole lot of experience with women, and to this day you continue to act passively, putting her before you, accepting her behavior. Yes "accepting" because you've done the whole time you've been with her.

Now that you finally got some balls and now know that you have to get rid of her, what do you do? You take to the bottle to cope; which shows how weak you've been all along with this woman.
Forget about her, get the best lawyer you can get for YOU. She's a train wreck on her way to auto destruct. And if you don't watch out you'll be dragged down along with her. 

Time to be strong if you are able, if not, well, sayonara.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The problem is obvious.... your way to soft on someone that’s nothing but a boat anchor. Who cares what divorce will cost and who cares what kind of black hole she falls into. I’m not sure who is worse, the addict or the dummy that just keeps holding on thinking they are going to fix it. Why ruin only one life when you can do a 2 for 1 ????


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Dancer...oh hell. When i was 23 a beautiful Blond haired green eyed dancer by name of Jade wantrd to fix me up with her friend Shawnee. Shout out to Jade at the LL Saloon on Ft. Sill Blvd outside the main gate.

Went to meet Shawnee and say a very attractive brunette with alcohol problem that was getting a bit cozy with patrons between her dance sets.
Im a jealous guy...no thanks!


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