# i need help a.s.a.p. wifes emotional affair.



## jaypap

My wife is in an emotional affair that has lasted about 4months..I think I have went about this all wrong judging by some of the posts I have read so far..there are a lot of similarities and differences in them all so I need some help of my own..their relationship started like most, just friends, however I noticed that the amount of txt messages on the phone bill was getting more and more and she always deleted them as if hiding something..I of course confronted her and the usual "just friends" and "you can't tell me who I can be friends with" came out..after the texting and facebook messaging went on for what I felt was too long without any explanation I decided to put a keylogger on the computer so I could see what they talked about..I ended up finding a message talking about wanting to have sex with eachother..I confronted her about it and of course she says it was all just talk and she would never go through with it..she assured me that she wouldn't talk to him ever again and that it got out of hand..as far as I know she didn't have any contact with him for about a month and she got a text from him one day and its been back on ever since..and its gotten progressively worse..I found out she has an app on her phone that she can txt him without showing up on phonebill..she says she needed time to think and figure things out so she went to stay at her sisters and ended up meeting up at his place..she says it hasn't been sexual but all I've ever got was half-truths and the only time she admits anyhing is if I have solid proof..this is where I think I took the wrong path..I have told her over and over that I can forgive her for almost anything and if she is will we can make it work..she agreed and the very first day she was unwilling to erase the app from her phone which told me she wasn't commited like she said so I told her I was going to set an appointment with a divorce attorney..hoping that if she seen that I was serious about all of this she would stop..it didn't work after I got home from my appointment, which was nothing more than a consultation just to get info and make her see I was serious..so when I got home she asked a couple questions about it and said she was going to go have a beer..which ended up leading back to his house from about 10 that night until about 4the next morning..we argued a lot wen she finally came home and again she assured me nothing sexual happend..and that she wnats time to seperate and think about things that she cinfused about..I told her there is no option for seperation anymore ..she took that option off the table when she decided to go to his house..it was either give up the OM and work on marriiage or I was going to file for divorce..she said again that I can't tell her she can't have this friend..and I went down and filed for divorce..which I regret still..she just moved out yesterday and after getting her stuff loaded up she didn't even say goodbye to the kids or anything just walked out and said see ya tomorrow..she was at her sisters long enough to get syuff unpacked a little bit and waited until her sister went to bed and went straight to OM's house..I have so many regrets about the things I have don and I really don't want to go through with the divorce because I think she will realize that she is screwing up..I am seriously just so confused and need help I feel I have tried everything and really do want to stay married..she is the love of my life and like I said I just need help..I know I left out a lot of the situation and I will fill in any detail that anyones thinks is necessary...thanks in advance!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

You gave her what your boundaries were and she didn't want to listen. You did what you had to do, there was nothing more that you could have done. She walked out of the house from your her husband and your kids, what kind of mom just walks away from their kids? I don't know of any good mom who would do that.

Don't take her back when she comes crawling back once the affair doesn't work out. File for full custody of your kids, she walked out so you'll have a good case to get full custody. Get a lawyer right away or if you have one, let your lawyer know that she walked away from the family so you have it on record.

She WAS the love of your life, like alot of posters say. You're in love with the person she was, you SHOULD NOT LOVE the person she is now because that is no longer your wife. It's not easy to switch it off but any parent that can just walk away from her kids is not worth the trouble. Concentrate on your kids, expose to family and friends and move on with your life.

Like I said before if she comes crawling back do not instantly take her back, let her suffer and see if she truly wants back. Because if you just take her back, she'll see that as you being a doormat that she can just keep on using whenever her fun is over. If you have really read up on people's story then you know that eventually you hit a point where it doesn't even matter if she comes back anymore, you find that life goes on and you do what is right for you and your kids.


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## CH

BTW, she's in a PA, it's no longer just an EA. You can bet the bank on it.


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## Almostrecovered

for starters, stop doubting yourself as you did the right thing IMO

think about it for a minute-



she refuses to have NC and complete transparency with OM
you make your wishes loud and clear that if she doesn't comply that you will get a D
she does it anyway
you file for D
and she STILL won't stop and is now in a PA (which I think was happening anyways)

honestly- she's being loud and clear that she chose OM over you

if you still wish to cling to the hope she will snap out of her fog then start pushing harder and make her see the reality of what D will bring-

cut her off financially and separate your accounts and go for full custody of the kids


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## crossbar

Ummm yeah.... Sorry dude, but you don't go to the house of the person you've been texting about having sex with at 10PM and returning at 4AM.....and nothing happened. Dude, she's lying through her teeth.

I don't care if she has an app on her phone that erases texts from the phone bill, if she ever sync'ed her phone up to the computer, you can probably still retrieve those texts. I'm not sure how. Will someone please tell him how to do this? Thanks!

You are in the drivers seat now. The main reason she moved out is because of the fog she's in right now with this affair. She wants to continue the affair without interference from you. She doesn't have to hide it so hard from you now. This can bite her in the butt BIG TIME in the courts. She moved out, therefore, the courts may view you as the primary parent. You're the one taking care of them full time, so they may have you continue to be the custodial parent. She would have to pay you CS.

Find out if this affair is full blown, the blow it out of the water. Expose to her friends and family that you two are seperated because of her affair. Here's the deal. Affairs are like ****roaches. The thrieve in the darkness, but as soon as you turn on the light, they scatter. Same with the affair, once the fantasy is brought out into the light and the reality of how many people they've hurt. It's sometimes enough to break them apart.

Also, if they happened to work together, that's usually a big no, no. Perphaps their HR Department need to be notified,


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## it-guy

Read Shamw's thread. You are about to go through the same thing.


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## it-guy

And....if you don't have kids be thankful and send her packing. You confronted her and gave her multiple chances to do the right thing.


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## lordmayhem

crossbar said:


> I don't care if she has an app on her phone that erases texts from the phone bill, if she ever sync'ed her phone up to the computer, you can probably still retrieve those texts. I'm not sure how. Will someone please tell him how to do this? Thanks!


I think this only works with iPhones. Under Windows Vista:

Users\(profile name)\App Data\Roaming\Apple Computer\Mobile Sync\Backup

App Data is a hidden folder. Ensure you change your folder views to show hidden files. Then use the free program

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac










Or some other program to read the backup files from the iPhone.


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## Almostrecovered

lordmayhem said:


> I think this only works with iPhones. Under Windows Vista:
> 
> Users\(profile name)\App Data\Roaming\Apple Computer\Mobile Sync\Backup
> 
> App Data is a hidden folder. Ensure you change your folder views to show hidden files. Then use the free program
> 
> iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Or some other program to read the backup files from the iPhone.



I'm curious LM- I'm assuming his wife is using an app like Textfree, are you saying that the deleted texts in this app will be available to peruse with the program you are linking to?


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## jaypap

She is using tikl touch to talk..I do have mobilespy on her phone so I can read her texts and see who she calls..that not even to point..I already kno they do and have been talkin..the just stepped it up a notch and are seeing each other..I just feel like I can't give up like there's always something else I can do or say..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

jaypap said:


> I just feel like I can't give up like there's always something else I can do or say..


cue the " just let them go" thread

there's nothing much you can do I'm sorry to say, unless you wish to live in an open marriage

if she's not willing to do what's needed then you have to prepare yourself for the inevitable- it sucks but at least put yourself in a position to handle it better


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## tacoma

Seems to me you did well.

From this point on don`t even consider the possibility that she`s not having sex with him.

Your best bet is to simply go ahead with the divorce.

I know you love her but she isn`t returning that empathy and once that happens it`s pretty much a foregone conclusion.

I`m sorry.

Edit:

Find out as much as you can about the OM.
Is he married?
Have a girlfriend?
Work with your wife?

Go nuclear on him if you can by exposing his affair to his wife or girlfriend.
If he works with your wife most employers have policies in place about workplace relationships.


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## SadSamIAm

At this point, I think all you can say is "Good-bye". 

Let her go! 

Doing or saying anything else will just appear weak to her. You need to be strong. Show her you can live without her. Work on you. Show her what she is losing.


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## MrK

She left you for another man. She will stay with that man until they break up. So you've either lost her anyhow or you will be her backup man until the next one comes along. This is no EA. She is in love with him. It's over. She's either not coming back or you'd be CRAZY to take her.

It's funny how you said this was a little different than others you've read about then recited the usual script. Word for word.


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## Jellybeans

Jay--you did the right thing. You stated your boundary and the consequence and she crossed the line again.

You can bet your a$$ she has been sleeping with him. Leaving at 10 at night and not reappearing until 4 a.m.? Plus she just went straight to his house the day she moved out? Yeah. The yare totally fvcking. 

Get tested for STDs. Also, heed your lawyer's advice.

DO NOT back away from your boundary. Keep it up. She is not the same person she was anymore. The fact that she walked out on not just you but the children to speaks volumes.

Do not bend, do not give in, etc.

I woudn't even worry about getting evidence anymore. It's clear she has cheated and is spending her free time with him. 

If she is truly remorseful and wants the marriage, she will end all contact with him and earn her way back into your heart. She has demonstrated repeatedly that is not what she wants.

So cut her loose. Let her go. I know it hurts like hell and you will hurt for awhile but it will get better--promise.

DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Do not call her. Do not beg her. Do not plead. Do not cry to her.

No contact unless it's related to the divorce and co-parenting.

Be strong. 

Go out, buy a new shirt and some sexy cologne. Smile at a pretty lady. Be the best dad you can for your children. Right now you are the role model and she is looking like a razy. They look to you for stability so be their rock. Don't badmouth her to them. Don't bend to her.


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## crossbar

jaypap said:


> She is using tikl touch to talk..I do have mobilespy on her phone so I can read her texts and see who she calls..that not even to point..I already kno they do and have been talkin..the just stepped it up a notch and are seeing each other..I just feel like I can't give up like there's always something else I can do or say..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude, right now she's in fantasyland. She's happy pulling the wool over your's and everyone else's eyes. Until you expose the affair for what it is, they will continue to disrespect you and the marriage. Did you say you can actually read their texts? Is there any indication that it is a full blow affair?


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## Jellybeans

MrK said:


> It's funny how you said this was a little different than others you've read about then recited the usual script. Word for word.


They don't call it a "Script" for nothing.


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## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> Jay--you did the right thing. You stated your boundary and the consequence and she crossed the line again.
> 
> You can bet your a$$ she has been sleeping with him. Leaving at 10 at night and not reappearing until 4 a.m.? Plus she just went straight to his house the day she moved out? Yeah. The yare totally fvcking.
> 
> Get tested for STDs. Also, heed your lawyer's advice.
> 
> DO NOT back away from your boundary. Keep it up. She is not the same person she was anymore. The fact that she walked out on not just you but the children to speaks volumes.
> 
> Do not bend, do not give in, etc.
> 
> I woudn't even worry about getting evidence anymore. It's clear she has cheated and is spending her free time with him.
> 
> If she is truly remorseful and wants the marriage, she will end all contact with him and earn her way back into your heart. She has demonstrated repeatedly that is not what she wants.
> 
> So cut her loose. Let her go. I know it hurts like hell and you will hurt for awhile but it will get better--promise.
> 
> DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Do not call her. Do not beg her. Do not plead. Do not cry to her.
> 
> No contact unless it's related to the divorce and co-parenting.
> 
> Be strong.
> 
> Go out, buy a new shirt and some sexy cologne. Smile at a pretty lady. Be the best dad you can for your children. Right now you are the role model and she is looking like a razy. They look to you for stability so be their rock. Don't badmouth her to them. Don't bend to her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## jaypap

Thanks everyone..although it isn't what I wanted to hear..I already have asked for full custody of the kids and the only way she is going to get them is to hire her own attorney which I don't think she can afford alone..my step-son her son has even talked about stayin with me..he has no respect for his mother throughout all of this he knew a while ago and even told me.."u shoulda left her a long time ago" and that coming from a 14 year old stepson.. either way I just have to find some way to stay strong and get by without her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

SadSamIAm said:


> At this point, I think all you can say is "Good-bye".
> 
> Let her go!
> 
> Doing or saying anything else will just appear weak to her. You need to be strong. Show her you can live without her. Work on you. Show her what she is losing.


I agree. Visualize flipping this. Visualize it in your head. Say YOU met someone and started texting all hours of the day with her, behind your wife's back. Your wife founds out, call you out on the BS, and you get an app to cover up said texts. Then you start hanging out at said woman's house, you'v etold her how you want to bang her, your wife knows all this. Then one night you don't come home til the wee hours of the morning. And your wife tells you, it's our marriage or this other woman...if you don't cut it off, I will file for divorce (she has given you one last out, amazingly), and you tell her you basically don't give an eff and move out immediately, leaving her and the kids behind, and go straight to the other woman's house.

How would you feel if your wife starts calling you all the time, crying, begging, pleading for you to come home? You would think she was weak, right? Like, WTF is she chasing me if I am clearly having sex with someone else and left her and walked all over her and refuse to end contact with OW. 

Don't do that. Don't be that guy. Do not chase her. At all.

Reality won't hit her til it's all said and done. And that could be awhile from now since she went from marriage to CandyLand. There is a reason why "they" say it's good to wait to date between major long-term relationships (or any relationships for that matter).


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## Jellybeans

Oh and I will tell you what I tell all the women on this board who find themselves in this predicament (besides all those other feel-good things I mentioned)--get a new haircut and underwear. It will make you feel better


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## crossbar

jaypap said:


> Thanks everyone..although it isn't what I wanted to hear..I already have asked for full custody of the kids and the only way she is going to get them is to hire her own attorney which I don't think she can afford alone..my step-son her son has even talked about stayin with me..he has no respect for his mother throughout all of this he knew a while ago and even told me.."u shoulda left her a long time ago" and that coming from a 14 year old stepson.. either way I just have to find some way to stay strong and get by without her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well, the good thing about the step-son. He's old enough to make an informed decision as to what parent he wants to stay with and if the courts deem you to be a responsible parent, you may have a shot for him to stay with you. Also, find out if you live in a no-fault state or an at fault state. That may help you during a divorce.

You're right, no one WANTS to get divorced and I understand that you love her. BELIEVE ME, I know where you are right now. But, she's checked out of the marriage. So, right now, you need to focus on you and those kids. You need to protect yourself and those kids. I know that people are saying to drop her like a bad habit...easier said than done, right? But, people do have your best interest at heart. We don't like seeing people getting the shaft.


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## Lostouthere

Jaypap I think you have taken all the steps that you can. Continue on with the divorce and prepare yourself for the emotional roller coaster but you can believe like many others on here you will get through it. She decided this is how she wants it so let her have it that way. Work on getting yourself together and dont let her see you hurting.


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## jaypap

We are a not fault state..as far as my stepson goes his mom and dad have shared custody of him neither one pays CS to the other for him..he stayed with us until about 2 weeks ago when the S really started hitting the fan..he stayed with his dad who he can't stand..and now he can't stand his mother either..I am waiting on a return call from my atttorney for info on if he can chose to stay with me..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

Jellybeans said:


> get a new haircut and underwear. It will make you feel better


LOL!!! Sorry...underwear?!?! Really? You're awesome Jelly Bean! Ive heard get to the gym, find a new hobby, get a new wardrobe, hang out with friends, travel, go on vacation, go back to school, get a new hairstyle....that is the first time I EVER heard new underwear! Sorry I literally giggle at that! HELL YEAH! Get new drawers!!!

Thanks for the giggle JB!!!


P.S. My fingers are crossed at what your lawyer says!


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## Almostrecovered

Jellybeans said:


> Oh and I will tell you what I tell all the women on this board who find themselves in this predicament (besides all those other feel-good things I mentioned)--get a new haircut and underwear. It will make you feel better


and for those of us who are bald and go commando?


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## aug

Even though you live at a no-fault State, you should continue to gather, archive and store (in a safe place) as much evidence as you can for your legal action. 

It's better to have it than not. And you never know when you will need it.

As for the evidence, be aware of "one party consent recording of oral communications". Do a web search for more info. You dont want this to come and bite you.


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## aug

Almostrecovered said:


> and for those of us who are bald and go commando?



baby powder


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## Jellybeans

crossbar said:


> LOL!!! Sorry...underwear?!?! Really? You're awesome Jelly Bean! Ive heard get to the gym, find a new hobby, get a new wardrobe, hang out with friends, travel, go on vacation, go back to school, get a new hairstyle....that is the first time I EVER heard new underwear! Sorry I literally giggle at that! HELL YEAH! Get new drawers!!!
> 
> Thanks for the giggle JB!!!


Why not? New underwear makes the world go round  I recommend new underwear a lot on this board.



Almostrecovered said:


> and for those of us who are bald and go commando?


New cologne and get a new facial hair style.


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## Almostrecovered

Jellybeans said:


> I recommend new underwear a lot on this board.



I do as well, but only because most of us sh!t our pants after discovery


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## HurtinginTN

First of all, I'm sorry you are in this situation. You have found a very good place, though. Most, if not all, of us here have been in very similar situations. You have gotten very good advice so far. You have done nothing wrong in your actions. You didn't want to be in a divorce, but none of us go into marriage expecting to be divorced at some point.



jaypap said:


> either way I just have to find some way to stay strong and get by without her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One thing that helps a lot is posting here.



crossbar said:


> You're right, no one WANTS to get divorced and I understand that you love her. BELIEVE ME, I know where you are right now. But, she's checked out of the marriage. So, right now, you need to focus on you and those kids. You need to protect yourself and those kids.


:iagree:

Also, if you have it in your head that we don't know what we are talking about and that we don't know YOUR wife, go look at my threads. Click on my name on the side of this post and look for threads started by hurtinginTN. Look for the one that started it all, how to deal with an ongoing emotional affair. Look at the hell I went through because I wanted so much to believe that my wife was "different". I'm the poster boy of the doormat society. I'm still getting a divorce. I just added months to my misery.

I suggest the "Just let them go" thread, as someone else has suggested. The link is in my signature. At some point, I suggest you also look at the book listed in my signature. It is very helpful for the kids. It may be a while before you are ready for that. In the meantime, just try to do as much for your kids as possible. Try not to bad-mouth your wife to them. That is certainly a hard one at times.

Find some solace in the fact that you are not alone. There are many of us at different stages of this roller coaster ride from hell. There are lots of valleys, but eventually, you will get to the point of more sunny days than ugly days.


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## jaypap

I know the roller coaster well the past 4months..I've lost about 30lbs and hours and hours of sleep..but never missed a day of work that wasn't covered and never missed out on anything that has to do with the kids..homework, supper, everything..I know the roller coaster is not over..I think my biggest fear of this whole thing is the fear of the unknown..obviously I imagined that we would be married forever because we've been thru our share of sh!t over the years..but I always thought we would have each other to lean on and make it through..this is definately the worst I've ever felt and the hardest thing by far I've ever had to deal with..thanks again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN

jaypap said:


> this is definately the worst I've ever felt and the hardest thing by far I've ever had to deal with..thanks again!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. My Father-in-law even said the same thing. Not for me or my kids, for him. Out of his 60 plus years, his daughter's affair and the subsequent breakup of her family is the worst he has ever felt. He said he even stays awake many nights thinking about it. Of course it is even more severe for us betrayed spouses.


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## jaypap

Yea..I just can't imagine doing anything like this to my wife much less my kids..I can't believe how it got this far out of control in what seems like over night..it is all just crazy to me...verrry crazy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

What's the background story on the OM? 

When did you discover the affair? Where is he from (work/online)? Is he partnered? What's his story?


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## Lostouthere

Jaypap just keep your head up and take steps as you need to. Keep on coming here and posting because it has helped a lot of us in many ways. Its nice to get advice from others that are or have gone through what we are going through. Oh and alot of us did not see this coming so it hit like a freight train and that makes it alot worse especially when we took our vows very seriously


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## jaypap

Jellybeans said:


> What's the background story on the OM?
> 
> When did you discover the affair? Where is he from (work/online)? Is he partnered? What's his story?


The OM was an childhood friend of hers..they were in my sisters wedding together..he WAS married until I sent sent his wife the message I found of him and my wifes talkin about sex..as far as I kno she filed for divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

jaypap said:


> The OM was an childhood friend of hers..they were in my sisters wedding together..he WAS married until I sent sent his wife the message I found of him and my wifes talkin about sex..as far as I kno she filed for divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, good on you for exposing the affair. You might want to get in contact with her again. She may have new information that you might not be aware of. The one thing I learned is that in MOST cases the OMW/OMH is usually and ally to you.


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## Almostrecovered

crossbar said:


> Well, good on you for exposing the affair. You might want to get in contact with her again. She may have new information that you might not be aware of. The one thing I learned is that in MOST cases the OMW/OMH is usually and ally to you.


so wonderful I got to be the exception to the rule


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## Jellybeans

jaypap said:


> The OM was an childhood friend of hers..they were in my sisters wedding together..he WAS married until I sent sent his wife the message I found of him and my wifes talkin about sex..as far as I kno she filed for divorce


When did this happen?


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## crossbar

Almostrecovered said:


> so wonderful I got to be the exception to the rule


Opps...I said most cases....not...all.....is it hot in here?


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## jaypap

Jellybeans said:


> When did this happen?


2months ago is when I found the message..after that is when she stopped to my knowledge until he "accidently" texted her and it started over again..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

And his wife filed divorce immediately? How do you know? Did she tell you? 

Have you been in touch with her since (OMW?--other man's wife).


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## jaypap

I also exposed the affair to my family and hers thinkin someone would talk sense into her and nothing happened..didn't really get the help I was hopiin for..and obviously not the reaction from her I hoped for..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

Jellybeans said:


> And his wife filed divorce immediately? How do you know? Did she tell you?
> 
> Have you been in touch with her since (OMW?--other man's wife).


I just heard through the grapevine that she filed..not sure if she did..I have been trying to get ahold of her thru email but it might have been a shared email acct that she don't use anymore..I just wanted to give her an update just in case he was tellin her he is tryin to work things out..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

How did you contact her the last time? Is she on FB? You can send her a private message there and let her know the affair is still happening.

Your wife has shown zero remorse. Time to cut her loose.


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## jaypap

Just changed the locks..she called on her way home like she usually does and was makin small talk..I told her that we have nothing else to talk about and she made her decision and that we obviously want different things..I want marriage and she does not..so unless she wants to talk about the divorce or the kids she shouldn't call..I hope this gets easier cuz that sucked!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

Jellybeans said:


> How did you contact her the last time? Is she on FB? You can send her a private message there and let her know the affair is still happening.
> 
> Your wife has shown zero remorse. Time to cut her loose.


I emailed her last time and like I said I think it was a shared acct...I am trying to get a hold of her thru f.b. tonight when I get home from work..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

jaypap said:


> Just changed the locks..she called on her way home like she usually does and was makin small talk..I told her that we have nothing else to talk about and she made her decision and that we obviously want different things..I want marriage and she does not..so unless she wants to talk about the divorce or the kids she shouldn't call..I hope this gets easier cuz that sucked!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't take this the wrong way, but how did she respond to seeing that you exactually had a spine and stood up to her?


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## Locard

There is not much here for anyone to offer you in regards to ADVICE because you are so far ahead of the average poster. Only support for your sad situation. Stay the course, reality is going to be landing much sooner because of your actions.


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## jaypap

I think she was surprised about me finding my spine.. she definately didn't expect the conversation to go that way..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

Locard said it right...you are WAY ahead of most when they find out that they've been betrayed. 

However, WW/WH are somewhat unpredictable when reality starts to close in on them so just be on your guard dude!


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## jaypap

WW/WH??what's that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

jaypap said:


> WW/WH??what's that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WW= Wayward Wife
WH= Wayward Husband
OM= Other Man
OW= Other Woman
OMW= Other Man's Wife
OWH= Other Woman's Husband
BS= Betrayed Spouse


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## jaypap

Oh thanks..its just amazing to me at how sure she is that she has done nothing wrong and how none of this even bothers her..like she has no concious..no guilt..no anything..just emptiness..at least towards me..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN

jaypap said:


> Oh thanks..its just amazing to me at how sure she is that she has done nothing wrong and how none of this even bothers her..like she has no concious..no guilt..no anything..just emptiness..at least towards me..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That, to me, is the most perplexing thing about all of this. That seems to be very common. My STBXW (Soon to be ex wife) is the same exact way. I could have written that same sentence.


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## jaypap

That in itself is hard to deal with..for sure
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

And you said that you've exposed her affair to family members and that they didn't seem to care? THAT'S perplexing...

Well, then you need to give her a dose of reality. Make sure the joint accounts are divided. Joint credit cards are canceled. Do not susport her in anyway unless it's dicated by your lawyer to do so. Move forward and go dark on her. She wanted to be out on her own, then that's EXACTLY what you give her. Have your lawyer move to give you temporary Full custody of the kids with the courts. Have the courts dicate what her visitation rights are and get a restraining order out on the OM that he can't be around your children until the divorce is finalized. Ask your lawyer about that.

I think THAT will bother her a little.


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## the guy

From what I read it looks like you had no other option but to file for divorce. I mean if theres any regret its at the fact that your WW is still in the fog. 
IMHO reality will start to set, #1 the affair is exposed and the thrill and excitement is fading. Soon Mr. wonderful won't be so wonderful..... day in and day out.

#2 You are stepping up and now have made this affair inconvienent for her. Her back up guy (you ) is moving on. 

As her AP (affair partner) and it relationship stresses, and her lack of family and kids will wear her down. She may see the light of day siting in the court room waiting for a divorce.

Stay the course the both of you have a long way to go. soon things will crumble around her. Especially when things like abandonment , child support, and bills start to effect her fantasy world.


This is just my $0.02 , what do I know, right. The important thing is to keep making this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possibly. You have the kids so let her sister and the OM take care of her. Give a real good taste of what is about to come her way if she continues.

What finacial steps have you taken to speed the process along. What are you paying for and if you stopped it will really shine a light on her new reality when you divorce? Health care, auto insurance, cell phone again I'm just thinking maybe its time to make a big point here.
I guess you better ask your lawyer 1st.


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## lordmayhem

the guy said:


> From what I read it looks like you had no other option but to file for divorce. I mean if theres any regret its at the fact that your WW is still in the fog.
> IMHO reality will start to set, #1 the affair is exposed and the thrill and excitement is fading. Soon Mr. wonderful won't be so wonderful..... day in and day out.
> 
> #2 You are stepping up and now have made this affair inconvienent for her. Her back up guy (you ) is moving on.
> 
> As her AP (affair partner) and it relationship stresses, and her lack of family and kids will wear her down. She may see the light of day siting in the court room waiting for a divorce.
> 
> Stay the course the both of you have a long way to go. soon things will crumble around her. Especially when things like abandonment , child support, and bills start to effect her fantasy world.


:iagree:

Without all that thrill and excitement of sneaking around and doing something taboo, the affair simply becomes a regular relationship, one that is now strained and based on lies. There's a reason why only 3% of these types of affair based relationships ever make it, and the vast majority fail. That's where I think that statistic of 80% of people regret divorcing due to infidelity is the WS waking up from the fog because their affair relationship failed and realizing what they destroyed their marriage and family.


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## jaypap

the guy said:


> From what I read it looks like you had no other option but to file for divorce. I mean if theres any regret its at the fact that your WW is still in the fog.
> IMHO reality will start to set, #1 the affair is exposed and the thrill and excitement is fading. Soon Mr. wonderful won't be so wonderful..... day in and day out.
> 
> #2 You are stepping up and now have made this affair inconvienent for her. Her back up guy (you ) is moving on.
> 
> As her AP (affair partner) and it relationship stresses, and her lack of family and kids will wear her down. She may see the light of day siting in the court room waiting for a divorce.
> 
> Stay the course the both of you have a long way to go. soon things will crumble around her. Especially when things like abandonment , child support, and bills start to effect her fantasy world.
> 
> 
> This is just my $0.02 , what do I know, right. The important thing is to keep making this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possibly. You have the kids so let her sister and the OM take care of her. Give a real good taste of what is about to come her way if she continues.
> 
> What finacial steps have you taken to speed the process along. What are you paying for and if you stopped it will really shine a light on her new reality when you divorce? Health care, auto insurance, cell phone again I'm just thinking maybe its time to make a big point here.
> I guess you better ask your lawyer 1st.


The only bill we have to split is the cellphone bill and she has agreed to pay her portion and has done so already..it is my name so as soon as she doesn't pay on time I just gotta click the mouse and shut it off..no credit cards..seperate bank accnts already..just have to decide what furnature she want..she already said she didn't want custody of kids..so I have them and she is already paying CS..and telling everyone hasn't affected her one bit..her mom and sis tried to talk sense into her like once and gave up because its easier I guess..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

Well then, you know what, Jay? I'm thanking God those kids have you.


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## jaypap

Ya I thank god for them!..I did slip up tonight and tried for a small conversation after I told her to not waste her time I did..made me feel like shlt not only did I do what I said for her not to but looked and felt weak in the process..all I can say is that this sucks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are not the first nor the last betrayed spouse who made a mistake when dealing with his unfaithful spouse. Old habits are hard to break. Now pick yourself up and read the following:



> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
> let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
> 
> Nothing else works better or quicker.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> Agree with them and their feelings,
> "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
> 
> Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse,
> and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
> wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
> 
> Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
> Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
> 
> You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
> 
> I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
> 
> But cheating, no excuses.
> 
> Think about cheating.
> A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
> 
> Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
> 
> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
> 
> And for your last point,
> The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
> 
> *"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."*
> 
> You give them what they want.
> You don't fight them on this issue.
> You agree with their feelings,
> they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
> 
> I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
> 
> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._


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## jaypap

Quick update..not sure if its a good sign..I have. That mobilespy on the wifes phone..keeps track of websites viewed..since I found out about all this I have been tellin her to do research online about affairs and how to stop and what to expect because that's all I have done..any ways this is her second day out of the house..the first night spent with her OM..tonight I looked and she was doing some research on affairs and marriage after affairs and things like that..not too sure if its good or bad..just thought id share.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Hopefully it is a sign that she may be coming out of the fog. Nevertheless continue being consistent and don't settle for anything less than true remorse and a willingness on her part to do the heavy lifting in marital reconciliation. The worst thing is for you to take her back without having her accept those non negotiable conditions as well as ending all contact with the OM forever and to willingly adhere to total transparency. You must be firm otherwise it will be nothing but a false recovery.


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## jnj express

Maybe, just maybe she has looked into the future

97% of A. hook-ups DON'T make it

What is she looking at---she will be single, divorced, a woman with kids, she is gonna have to work, one to two jobs to make ends meet, that is if she can even find work, when she has the kids, she will have even less time on her hands

All the things you did/do as a couple she will do on her own

As to guys---if it doesn't work out with her present piece of garbage, and once reality sets in, and she see's what he is really all about, specially in pressure situations, what then for her----there really are no more YOU'S out there, she is gonna meet guys with baggage, guys who want nothing but sex, guys who want her to take care of them, alcoholics, druggies, crazies, criminals, men with their own kids, it ain't so pretty out there---that is what she will be facing for a future, and if she hasn't thought about it yet, she will soon enuff

She WILL live to regret what she has done to you and her kids, everyday of her life

At this point you need to just let her go, she has made her bed, let her sleep in it, she just may not like her situation, and may decide it is in her best interests to come back to the family---then you have the decision to make, as to whether she is honestly coming back cuz she really wants you, or cuz she doesn't wanna be out on her own

No matter which way you go File for your D., you can always stay the proceedings if she comes to her senses for the right reasons.


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## useable

jaypap said:


> That in itself is hard to deal with..for sure
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


whatever she will do .. you must stand for divorce. no amendment, she is not your match, other women are better than her you can find one someday.


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## ArmyofJuan

jaypap said:


> I just feel like I can't give up like there's always something else I can do or say..


This is a mistake everyone makes, the fact is the act of trying to save the marriage while an A is going on always backfires. The best thing to do is throw in the towel and let her fail.

You can't rationalize with her so neither you or anyone else can talk her out of what she is doing. The A has to die a natural death on it's own and if you try to stop it you will just end up artificially prolong it as she tries to “prove you wrong” like my wife did.

You need to put a halt to communication ASAP, only talk through email and be short and as cold as possible, NO SMALL TALK and no personal talk. No more saying you want to save the marriage. All she hears is “I’ll be waiting for you in case things go south with your boyfriend so go have fun screwing him”.

That being said, her level of disrespect leaves you no choice but to divorce her. She obviously thinks you are weak and “not a real man” and NOBODY should put up with that. Whatever good qualities you think she had you need to toss those out the window because she is NOT a good person. 

Learn to get angry and use that to motivate you to move forward. She did this to you and you did nothing to deserve this. This is all her fault, all of it.


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## jaypap

My head is always full of "what ifs"..and I still can't get everything out of my head..one minute I'm good and feel strong and capable and the next a big pile of wuss wanting to get her back..I'm sure its all normal and gets easier with time..its just time is a turtle..hurry the "F" up already!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

Sorry dude, but you need to keep your head in the game and protect you and the kids and sorry to say, that may have to be done by a divorce.

Protect you and those kids financially first. YOU AND THE KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST IN SITUTATIONS LIKE THIS. Then, you can see where you stand afterward. Not trying to fill you up with false hope, but it's not unheard of for people to get re-married after a divorce.


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## HurtinginTN

ArmyofJuan said:


> You can't rationalize with her so neither you or anyone else can talk her out of what she is doing. The A has to die a natural death on it's own and if you try to stop it you will just end up artificially prolong it as she tries to “prove you wrong” like my wife did.


Wow! That hits the nail on the head in my case as well. This goes hand in hand with the "Just let them go" thread. I hadn't really thought about the "prove you wrong" part before I read this post.


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## Jellybeans

crossbar said:


> Sorry dude, but you need to keep your head in the game and protect you and the kids and sorry to say, that may have to be done by a divorce.
> 
> Protect you and those kids financially first. YOU AND THE KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST IN SITUTATIONS LIKE THIS.


This. 

Time to start thinking practically. She had an affair and is having one and she left. She does not have your best interests.


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## jaypap

This is so frustrating..one of excuses for wanting to leave me was not the OM of course..but because she wanted to prove to herself that she didn't have to rely on me and she could do it alone..the funny thing is she talked her sister into getting an apartment so she could move in and not have anything in her name...how is that independance or doing anything alone..its like her family is enabling her to continue her affair and stay in the fog..frustrating!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Don't worry about her and her family and her "independence." 

Give her all the freedom she wants. Protect yourself and your kids.


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## jaypap

The kids are well protected..sometime I think I'm in a fog too..thinkin that things are goin to suddonly get better..and she is all the suddon gonna see clearly..errrrg...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

What a night!!!! wife started txtn about just small talk..I was just kinda answerin her questions short and sweet not any real conversation..finally she asked if she could come over and watch "big brother" with the kids..and stay the night cuz of bugs at her sisters..I said sure..so she was here for about 15 minutes before somehow an arguement started..not even sure now how it started..so we argued for a few..well she yelled and I was tryng to be calm.. she was more angry than I've ever seen she almost hit me..she was litteraly pulling her hair..so I calmly just told her I knew she was having an affair and told her I knew she was confused. And told her I wanted to help..just kept tellin her I wanted to help..she finally agreed to talk with no arguein..during our talk she said no sex happened..I think she would have told me if it did..and she don't even enjoy talking to OM that much any more..I told her it was because by me exposiing it and letting her move out it took all the fun out of it..she said she's still unhappy and doesn't want to be married anymore..and I told her that her affair has taught her to think like that from four months of lies and deciet and I was the one standing in her way of the OM..I told her it took four months to get to that point and it won't return over night..she didn't agree with me and said she just didn't want to be married period pretty much..so I told her that she can stay here until her sister figures out that apartment situation or she figures out something..I told her I wouldn't talk any more of it to try and change her mind..pretty much just the 180plan..I still have a 50/50 shot I guess..the only thing that's changed is maybe the fog is lifting..I could still use any advice or encouragement or people callin me an idiot..everything helps...thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto

I wont call you an idiot Jay but I would not have let her return. Waywards become very skilled liars. I can't prove she had a PA but I would bet my paycheck she did. 

Be careful now, she is back in the house and can easily take steps to push you out. She didn't and likely doesn't have you or the children's best interests at heart. Waywards are selfish, entitled justifiers who will spin the history of the world to fit their needs. Keep that in mind as since she is back home, still showing no remorse, you have your back open to the knife.

Q~


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## jaypap

This is all so confusing to me..I mean I can tell she's beating herself up over this..we've always had communication issues..she want to keep things inside until it explodes..I told her last night that if we would communicate any issues from the get go that nothing would ever get this far out of control..


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## morituri

jaypap said:


> What a night!!!! wife started txtn about just small talk..I was just kinda answerin her questions short and sweet not any real conversation..finally she asked if she could come over and watch "big brother" with the kids..and stay the night cuz of bugs at her sisters..I said sure..so she was here for about 15 minutes before somehow an arguement started..not even sure now how it started..so we argued for a few..well she yelled and I was tryng to be calm.. she was more angry than I've ever seen she almost hit me..she was litteraly pulling her hair..so I calmly just told her I knew she was having an affair and told her I knew she was confused. And told her I wanted to help..just kept tellin her I wanted to help..she finally agreed to talk with no arguein..during our talk she said no sex happened..I think she would have told me if it did..and she don't even enjoy talking to OM that much any more..I told her it was because by me exposiing it and letting her move out it took all the fun out of it..she said she's still unhappy and doesn't want to be married anymore..and I told her that her affair has taught her to think like that from four months of lies and deciet and I was the one standing in her way of the OM..I told her it took four months to get to that point and it won't return over night..she didn't agree with me and said she just didn't want to be married period pretty much..so I told her that she can stay here until her sister figures out that apartment situation or she figures out something..I told her I wouldn't talk any more of it to try and change her mind..pretty much just the 180plan..I still have a 50/50 shot I guess..the only thing that's changed is maybe the fog is lifting..I could still use any advice or encouragement or people callin me an idiot..everything helps...thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*What the he** are you doing?* Allowing her to get in the house was the worst choice you could have made because it unravels any positive effects you've created so far. You've now shown her that you are a doormat. Her behavior afterwards proves this.

Don't try to 'educate' her. When she tells you she wants a divorce agree with her by telling her that you also want one.

You blew it my friend. Perhaps it's not too late to get yourself back on track by kicking her out of the house. She's in a fog so deep that only brutal reality is the thing that will pull her out of it.


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## jaypap

I don't know what I'm doing..I don't know whether I'm trying to save my mmarriage or not..I'm trying to help her see what's going on because noone else is..I don't want her to self destruct..I know she's put me thru pain and I just don't like seeing her like this..I thought for sure I did the right thing last night by communicating with her and letting her get thing in the open..I can understand if she doesn't want to be married because of months of making me be the bad guy..I really did think I was helping the situation..omg I'm so frustrated..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

jaypap said:


> I can understand if she doesn't want to be married because of months of making me be the bad guy.



Really?
You can understand she does`t want to be married because she "made you be the bad guy"?

I could understand if "you were" a bad guy but how can you find rationale in her self induced delusion?

If you truly do "understand" the logic behind this then you too are in her delusion.


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## jaypap

[QUOTE
If you truly do "understand" the logic behind this then you too are in her delusion.[/QUOTE]

I mean I understand that she has trained herself into thinking that because I was the one standing in her way..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

Like I said before sometimes it does seem like I'm in a fog too..I really don't know anything anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Yes, you are in a fog if you are rewarding her bad behavior (allowing her to come home after she plainly told you she DOES NOT want to be married and is still having an affair.).

WHY did you do that?? Call her and tell her that as long as the A is happening, there is noooo reason for her to come home. You have to mean it. 

Jay--accept the reality of your situation.



jaypap said:


> I calmly just told her I knew she was having an affair and told her I knew she was confused. And told her I wanted to help..just kept tellin her I wanted to help..she finally agreed to talk with no arguein..during our talk *she said no sex happened..I think she would have told me if it did..and she don't even enjoy talking to OM that much any more*..
> 
> ..I told her it took four months to get to that point and it won't return over night..*she didn't agree with me and said she just didn't want to be married period pretty much..so I told her that she can stay here *


Um, are you SERIOUS?????? You called her out on her BS and she told you she doesn't agree things will be ok, that she does'nt want to be married and you invited her back to live with you while she gets her escape plan ready??? 

Oh boy. This is going to be a long thread. 

Oh and just FYI: you are deluding yourself if you think she hasn't fcked the other man. TOTALLY DELUSIONAL!


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> *What the he** are you doing?* Allowing her to get in the house was the worst choice you could have made because it unravels any positive effects you've created so far. You've now shown her that you are a doormat. Her behavior afterwards proves this.
> 
> Don't try to 'educate' her. When she tells you she wants a divorce agree with her by telling her that you also want one.
> 
> You blew it my friend.


:iagree:



MrQuatto said:


> I wont call you an idiot Jay but I would not have let her return.
> 
> Keep that in mind as since she is back home, still showing no remorse, you have your back open to the knife.


It's not that he has his back open to the knife--he is willing walking into the knife, face first. 

You know what happened right, Jay? The night she left home and moved all her stuff out, she went to the OM's house, cried about how awful you are to hr, that she's done with you, fvcked him and in the morning prob got an ambiguous vibe from him. She prob put out feelers to see if he was down with making theirs a long-term/real thing and he was NOT receptive to her. Which is why she said she doesn't much enjoy talking to him anymore--but she is still holding hope he'll reciprocate her feelings.

See--affairs aren't so fun once they're out in the open. And now he knows that you know. He has no respect for her cause she literally walked out on not just her husband, but her children, all for some d!ck. 

Crazytown.


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## HurtinginTN

Hang in there, brother. You want to believe her because you love her. She is also the mother of your children. I understand what you are saying about her believing you are the bad guy because of her re-writing things to justify her behaviour. The thing is, she still thinks you are a bad guy and Mr. Wonderful is her answer.

Pit of my Stomach used the term "smog" for what you are going through. He went through it. I went through it. Many go through it. It is hard to get your head around how this woman you love and want to devote your life to can all of a sudden throw you, the marriage, the kids, the raising your kids together, etc. in the garbage for some POS that fills her full of BS. Yes, she is confused. Yes, she is making bad decisions. Yes, she will eventually see the effect of those bad decisions. But you will never get her to see it. She has to find that out on her own.

Do not beg, plead, or reason. There is a reason this is on the 180 list. It simply does no good. Actually, it causes harm. She will not listen to reason. As a matter of fact, I believe she does listen. A poster yesterday mentioned that him telling his wife the relationship with her OM would never work gave her more resolve to "prove him wrong" and simply artificially prolonged the affair. I believe that has also been the case with my wife. Begging and pleading just make you look weak in their eyes.

I've tried all that. I know how you feel. It is pure hell. Read and re-read the Just let them go thread a few times. There is a lot of wisdom in that thread.


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## jaypap

It seems now I took two steps forward and ten steps back..I really did think I was helping to lift the fog..I would seriously do anything to make this marriage work..I can't believe what I'm doing and how screwed up I am over this..my thoughts are so jumbled and nothing seems to be the right thing to do..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

jaypap said:


> It seems now I took two steps forward and ten steps back..I really did think I was helping to lift the fog..*I would seriously do anything to make this marriage work*..


We know. And she knows. And this will be your downfall if you don't cut this out.

And yes, you did take ten steps back, more like 50. Tell her you thought abut what you talked about and hav edecided she's not welcome to come home while she's having an affair. Tell her this is "non-negotiable." Mean it. Tell her "I will not set a bad example for our children. And I refuse to live in an open marriage."


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## HurtinginTN

jaypap said:


> It seems now I took two steps forward and ten steps back..I really did think I was helping to lift the fog..I would seriously do anything to make this marriage work..I can't believe what I'm doing and how screwed up I am over this..my thoughts are so jumbled and nothing seems to be the right thing to do..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On days like this, it seems hard to concentrate on "breathe in, breathe out." Nothing will be answered today. It is a long process. Just try to relax. Maybe go for a walk. Pump some iron. Have a tea party with your girls. Give your mind a break for the day. I know it is hard. I've had many days thinking just what you are thinking. 

It seems like nothing seems to be the right thing to do because you know the right thing to do would be to work out your marriage and raise your kids together. However, that option isn't on the table. For you or me. Both of our wives still have a boyfriend. Boyfriends and husbands don't mix. So, we are stuck in a ****ty situation with no great outcomes. You just have to do your best to make lemonade since you are stuck with lemons. It is helping me to focus on making this process the least ****ty as possible for my kids.


----------



## Eli-Zor

The only way she returns to the house is if she stops the affair and commits to you, to the processes required to protect the marriage and all the steps required to ensure the affair is dead. You are entitled to change your mind about her coming back, call her and set out the requirements for her tonreturn home and don't dilute them .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

jaypap;424936I said:


> really did think I was helping to lift the fog


If you truly wish to do that then you make a stand and show her just how hard it is to have life without you and how you'll be just fine without her.


and if it still doesn't work- then at least you will have your answer and are better prepared to move on without her


----------



## HurtinginTN

jaypap said:


> ..she already said she didn't want custody of kids..so I have them and she is already paying CS..and telling everyone hasn't affected her one bit.._Posted via Mobile Device_





jaypap said:


> ..finally she asked if she could come over and watch "big brother" with the kids..and stay the night cuz of bugs at her sisters..


Have you discussed any type of visitation with the kids? She doesn't want custody and is paying child support. Next time she wants to watch a show with the kids, I would tell her that is my time with the kids. You get them on xxxxxx. You can watch a show with them then.

As far as the bugs goes, most stores sell Raid and the like.



jaypap said:


> ..she didn't agree with me and said she just didn't want to be married period pretty much..so I told her that she can stay here until her sister figures out that apartment situation or she figures out something..


I agree with the other posters on not letting her back in. I know you want to think the fog has lifted. I thought that many times. My wife would do good in Hollywood. You wouldn't believe some of the theatrical performances. You want to hold onto hope. As long as OM is in the picture, there is none. She says she wants out, you just have to let her go. Actually, you have no choice. She is gone. You just have to make the choice to start moving on.


----------



## Jellybeans

HurtinginTN said:


> HaI agree with the other posters on not letting her back in. I know you want to think the fog has lifted. I thought that many times. My wife would do good in Hollywood. You wouldn't believe some of the theatrical performances. You want to hold onto hope. As long as OM is in the picture, there is none. *She says she wants out, you just have to let her go. Actually, you have no choice. She is gone. * You just have to make the choice to start moving on.


:iagree: So very much.

And TN... I am really proud of and happy for you! You have come a long way!!! :smthumbup:


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## MrQuatto

Jay, I know how hard this is. It is confusing and painful. No one WANTS to walk away from a marriage like this. It feels like failure, like you are giving up and like you ARE the problem. You are not!

We have seen so many people on here go through this, thread after thread after thread. I always recommend folks to go read some other posts because the script is always the same.

She says nothing happened, you find out different.
She says she stopped, you find out different
She says it's the truth, you find out different.
and on and on and on.

The ones that end up working out is when the Betrayed spouse stands up and says "I"M NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE!" When the A is exposed, the family, friends, coworkers and Other Spouse (if any) are made aware and the disloyal spouse FINALLY sees consequences for their actions.

That is all we are trying to let you know. And yes, we get frustrated and maybe a bit sharp tongued BECAUSE we see this so often. We are only trying to Help 

Q~


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## HurtinginTN

MrQuatto said:


> The ones that end up working out is when the Betrayed spouse stands up and says "I"M NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE!"


:iagree: Look at Pit of my Stomach's original thread. Look at my original thread. We were both in the smog pretty thick. He is divorced and I'm working on it. We both tried the reasoning, etc.


Look at 8yearscheating. There are others as well. A common theme with these is that the betrayed spouse said, "It's him or me" and the wayward spouse chose their loyal spouse over the affair partners. Just saying "him or me" isn't a guarantee. Your wife would still have to choose the marriage and you would have to choose to reconcile as well. But you say you want your marriage. That gives the best odds.


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## jaypap

Now I know I f****d up last night..I should have stuck to my guns..I know she is feeling the reality slap and she is scrambling..I know she is seriously struggling with herself right now and for some reason I feel as her husband its my place to help her through it..good or bad marriage or not..I think she is just too stubborn to admit she is wrong but the way she was beating herself up and yelling at me shows me that she knew I was right and was pissed at me because of it..I know all this sounds stupid like I'm justifying the way she's treated me but it is seriously how I feel..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

It's only your "place" to help her as long as she isn't betraying you in the interim.


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## Eli-Zor

Go back and inform her she isn't welcome into the house unless she adheres to the requirements we posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

if she agrees; the no contact letter and full transparency occur before she moves into the house
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> It's only your "place" to help her as long as she isn't betraying you in the interim.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Did get married so that you could become the cuckold of a one sided open marriage in which she gets to have sex with other men?


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## Jellybeans

Mori--your avatar is hypnotizing!


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## HurtinginTN

jaypap said:


> Now I know I f****d up last night..
> 
> I know all this sounds stupid like I'm justifying the way she's treated me but it is seriously how I feel..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It most likely won't be the last time you make a mistake. Don't beat yourself up too bad.

You can't expect to just flip a switch and cut off your feelings for you wife immediately. Of course, that is how you feel. The struggle is to work in this out of reason and not out of your feelings. Again, don't beat yourself up too bad. 

I would recommend strongly listening to Elizor.


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## Almostrecovered

Jellybeans said:


> Mori--your avatar is hypnotizing!



...must....listen...to...morituri....


----------



## HurtinginTN

Almostrecovered said:


> ...must....listen...to...morituri....


Did you get the morse code message too? Let me make sure I got it right. Mori wants a hamburger happy meal with ketchup only?

Sorry to threadjack. Just trying to add a little humor to your rough day. Hang in there man. This is a rough ride. I'm sorry you are going through it.


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## jaypap

I went home and told her that the only way she can stay is that she has zero contact..and I watch her send the txt telling him to not contact her and she will not be contacting him and then uninstall the app that they use for contacting eachother and have full transparency no hiding no nothing..I told her if she can do that then she can stay and if she doesn't think she can handle that then she should leave..I told her that if she agrees to satying and all it involves that it doesn't necessarily mean we are fixing anything that we are just not making it worse...good start I hope?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Yes, great start.

What did she say??


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## jaypap

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, great start.
> 
> What did she say??


She keeps saying I don't know..I don't know..she's telling me to stop rushing her..she says she will tell me when I get off work (3hrs)..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

jaypap said:


> She keeps saying I don't know..I don't know..she's telling me to stop rushing her..she says she will tell me when I get off work (3hrs)..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not acceptable!!!


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## Eli-Zor

Don't dilute your requirements , keep firm no matter if she screams, shouts or cries. Under no circumstance accept her into your home unless she actively supports the marriage. As she is in the house she pays half of all bills .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

What Eli said. This is a NON-negotiable.

If she comes at you later saying "I don't know/have to think about it" tell her, "_No problem. You are not welcome back in the marital home as long as you are having an affair. I will not cover up your lies for you either. I will not be in an open marriage. I deserve better._" And hang up the phone.

DO NOT, for the love of Gawd, back down from this. AT ALL. You have her in a good sp9ot right now, while you may not think so. YOU hold all the cards as to whether she can play with her guy on the side AND have the comfort of a nice man and marriage. NO WAY, JOSE. She is prob going out of her mind right now. GOOOOOOOD! 

How you handle this will set the tone for how this shakes out. Do not waffle. Do not concede. Do not give up from your stance. Be a man who respects himself. If she gets even the hint of a whiff that you are willing to let her wafle/take more time/have both men, she will walk all over you--with a smile on her face, too.


----------



## crossbar

jaypap said:


> She keeps saying I don't know..I don't know..she's telling me to stop rushing her..she says she will tell me when I get off work (3hrs)..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Awesome! That gives her enough time to contact the OM and for them to come up with another viable way to communicate without you finding out.....


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## HurtinginTN

crossbar said:


> Awesome! That gives her enough time to contact the OM and for them to come up with another viable way to communicate without you finding out.....


:iagree: That is most likely what they are doing right now. Months ago, my wife said she was "torn" about what to do. She needs some time to figure out what she wants, etc. Well, I believe I started posting on here in February. That was a while after D-day. It is now September. We are going through a divorce. She is still "confused" about what she wants. Giving them "time" does nothing but feed the affair.


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## Jellybeans

^ I agree with you both. SHe's trying to plan and see what other app they can use and discussing how better to maintain their affair under wraps. She shouldn't to think twice about whether she wants to be married to you or not and end her affair.

The fact she said you are "rushing" her is laughable.


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## HurtinginTN

jaypap said:


> She keeps saying I don't know..I don't know..she's telling me to stop rushing her..she says she will tell me when I get off work (3hrs)..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Fully committed = I know I want this marriage.

I don't know/Stop rushing me = I am not committed to this marriage. 

The last time I talked reconciliation with my wife, I asked her, "Do you want this divorce?" She said, "I don't know. I am confused." I said, "Well, that means you are still not committed to the marriage. We need to proceed on the divorce."


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## jaypap

She flipped and flopped and I told her if she doesn't know then she should leave..she said she'd be gone by the time I got home...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

You did right



> She flipped and flopped


This means she had no intention of stopping, you were being tested.


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## jaypap

I never fail the test just keep taking it over and over it seems..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

Once she is out of the house go dark, there is nothing to discuss with her as she has no intention of stopping the affair. 

Do not subsidize her affair and do not give her any moneys. She is no longer your friend that message must be clear to her, she had a choice to be a wife who is loved or leave and abandon her family. She made a choice.

Get your life in order, make sure you get a tough lawyer on your side and start protecting yourself .


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## crossbar

Sorry this was happening to you, but you did right. I think you were setting yourself up for some more heartbreak.


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## Jellybeans

jaypap said:


> She flipped and flopped and I told her if she doesn't know then she should leave..she said she'd be gone by the time I got home...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great. Don't let the door hit her on the way out. Right there, that tells you she has zero desire to end her affair. Don't cry for her.



Eli-Zor said:


> Once she is out of the house go dark, there is nothing to discuss with her as she has no intention of stopping the affair.


Follow this advice. Go dark! That means no talking to her unless it's about co-parenting and legalities.

My advice to you is that when she gets home, be cheerful. Not ridiculousy so, but be a man with integrity, one who has accepted she isn't willing to put her marriage first. Do a 180!! Don't cry or beg for her. If she brings stuff up, tell her "I am sorry that you feel that way. Again, I told you it was either the marriage or your affair. You have chosen the latter so there is nothing left to discuss. I will not lie to the children. Leave behind any important documents."


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## Jellybeans

The more calm you are, the more it will mess with her head (and piss her off) and make you feel better.

The reason for that is she will be flabberghasted at the fact you aren't rolling over and dying.

Keep your emotions out of it!!!


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## tacoma

jaypap said:


> She flipped and flopped and I told her if she doesn't know then she should leave..she said she'd be gone by the time I got home...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Most excellent Jay!!

Now protect your finances, right now immediately.

Cancel any and all credit cards and accounts in both names.
Take your half out of any joint bank accounts and open new accounts.
Stash any and all important documents somewhere she can`t get them.

Go dark, don`t call her, don`t respond to her communications(Unless about kids), be a ghost.


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## lordmayhem

She was definitely stalling for time to figure out a way with OM to take it further underground.


Jeez, why does this look so familiar. It feels like I read similar stories over and over and over. :scratchhead:


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## Unsure in Seattle

Be calm, and go dark, as everyone has said. It hurts, but you have to begin the process of unentwining yourself from her.


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## Jellybeans

lordmayhem said:


> Jeez, why does this look so familiar. It feels like I read similar stories over and over and over. :scratchhead:


Because infidelity stories are all the same. Same script. Same wayward behavior. Same story.


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## HurtinginTN

I just went back and read Lord Mayhem's link about the betrayed spouse script. Look at that and you will see what we are saying. It seems like you are the only one and your situation is unique. It's kind of scary how similar many of these stories are.


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## jaypap

How often does it happen when they snap out of it and come home..that's what I really want..I should probably not get my hopes up huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

jaypap said:


> How often does it happen when they snap out of it and come home..that's what I really want..I should probably not get my hopes up huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. And yes, don't get your hopes up. In my case, my ex-wife walked out the door to her OM many years ago and never came back. Even in the face of D, she never even tried to contact me. Some cheaters are like that. 

So I remarried and was happy for 21 years until............


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## morituri

Not all cheaters are the same. There are those that are remorseful from the moment they cross the line and betray their spouse. These people struggle with the need to tell their spouse about their betrayal and sparing the devastation they know their confession will cause. These folks are the ones that usually come to these forums for guidance and support in doing the right thing. On the other end, are the cheaters who care nothing but getting their high from their lover and care absolutely nothing for their spouses and children. These people react to their spouses discovery of their affair with outrage, shaming tactics and blame shifting and go underground to continue with their affair. These people are far from being remorseful and don't care if their marriages end. Reconciliation with the former group is more than possible since they are more than willing to do the heavy lifting in the recovery. The latter folks are totally hopeless and the best thing is to just file for divorce otherwise living with them is pure Hell on Earth. Which of these two groups does your wife belong to?


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## Initfortheduration

Sorry Jay, but I will call you an idiot (only an emotional idiot, but an idiot all the same). If I can make one suggestion. Before you make any decisions regarding your marriage you should seriously wait 24 hours or more before you make any deals. I would then get on this board present the deal and ask advice. Not that you can't think for yourself, but there are many here with a different perspective. It may save you and your children some future pain. JMHO.

In a multitude of counselors there is wisdom. Good luck my friend.

P.S. Almost forgot, and it might have already be mentioned, but be sure to add a polygraph test to your arsenal. Chances are she will refuse. Pretty much proves they had sex. And if she agrees she may be bluffing, and will bolt before the test. Again you will know. IF and its a big IF, she wakes up out of the fog she may go as far as the front door of the facility and then spill the beans. But that could mean more trouble, or her for instance holding back other infidel information. Just a thought.


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## jaypap

Here we go again..she's beggin to come home but just for the night..she still don't wanna be married..blahblah..now she sayin she'll do anything and she wants to try and work it out..just to get her way and stay the night
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

I've held my ground so far..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

I asked how she is going to prove to me she's in it for the right reasons..she had nothing..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Good job. Her infidelity and her unremorsefulness have made her unworthy of being in the family home with you and the kids. *KEEP HER OUT!*


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## Jellybeans

jaypap said:


> How often does it happen when they snap out of it and come home..


The times I have seen it is when the betrayed spouse makes it CRYSTAL clear to the disloyal spouse that they will NOT live in an open marriage and that they are not welcome into their lives as loong as the affair is happening. They make it fclear that there is no-negotiating. And they go dark.

They make a hard boundary with consequences and they STICK to it.

Get the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson




lordmayhem said:


> So I remarried and was happy for 21 years until............


I always think you're so young.

Jay, stay firm. She is looking for a warm bed and that is IT. The fact she didn't tell you how she wants to work things out and doesnt know and still doesn't want to be married = she is not 100% committed to you. 

Know that!


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## Initfortheduration

Absolutely not. Don't let her stay. She doesn't want the kids, doesn't want you. What she wants is the security she has. I am also sure of one thing. She wants to be loved. She needs to be loved. But the problem is, she doesn't want to have to give you love. She keeps coming back to find out if you still love her. Do not let her back in. She needs to turn into a mascara and snot running mess. Keep the strong 180. Keep moving forward. She has to be able to envision life without you. The more drug (you) you give her the longer it will take her to wake up from the fog. She needs to sit alone in a crummy little apartment and survey the destruction she caused. STAY STRONG!


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## MrK

Jay-P. I would give anything in the world to hear my wife say she wanted to be with me. ANYTHING. That has got to be the hardest thing in the world to hear the woman you love pleading to come to you and have to say no. 

But you DO have to say no. You know that right? It may feel like the hardest thing you have to do, but you have to do it. It may hurt, but know it has to be done. Just do it. She chose another man over you. She chose another man over HER KIDS!Accept that and do what you have to do for you. For you and them. Show your kids how a strong father acts.


----------



## Lostouthere

MrK said:


> Jay-P. I would give anything in the world to hear my wife say she wanted to be with me. ANYTHING. That has got to be the hardest thing in the world to hear the woman you love pleading to come to you and have to say no.
> 
> But you DO have to say no. You know that right? It may feel like the hardest thing you have to do, but you have to do it. It may hurt, but know it has to be done. Just do it. She chose another man over you. She chose another man over HER KIDS!Accept that and do what you have to do for you. For you and them. Show your kids how a strong father acts.


:iagree:


----------



## jaypap

So I stuck to my guns last night told her to sleep on it, to buy myself some time and also let her calm down..told her to call me today and we can talk..she said she told her OM on Tuesday that they were thru..which kinda explains the way she was acting on Wednesday (the tantrum with the pulling of her hair and all her frustrations coming out like she was self destructing) almost like a crackhead going thru withdraws..anyways that's just speculation..but her sister confirmed to me that she read the texts and she did tell him that..she says she doesn't want to go to counceling (we had my stepson in it for a while and it was truely a waste of money)..but she agrees with me that a couple months ago when she stopped talking to him when she first got busted that we did start making progress and she says she is done talking and wants to see what happens..I need suggestions, advice, a kick in the ass everything..


----------



## Almostrecovered

forgive me if it's been said but does OM have a spouse or GF?


----------



## jaypap

Almostrecovered said:


> forgive me if it's been said but does OM have a spouse or GF?


Ya he does I contacted her in june and told her what was going on and they at least split up..not sure about divorce..but haven't been able to contact her since..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HurtinginTN

jaypap said:


> but her sister confirmed to me that she read the texts and she did tell him that..



Not to try to burst your bubble, but to give you some perspective.

The first time I found out it was more than "just friends", I got the crying, etc. At that point, their contact was online only. I watched her end it on the site they played on. 

Of course, that didn't last long. It progressed to phone calls. I confronted, she cried and begged me not to leave her. She called and ended it in my presence.

I'm not sure how many times that repeated itself. There were at least 4 times she "ended it" in my presence. At least twice, I talked to POS OM and he "confirmed" it was over. He blubbered away about how sorry he was. She blubbered away about how she didn't want a divorce, etc.

They are still talking. I don't believe they ever stopped. I don't know if there was even a break in contact at all after these shows. In other words, just sending a text telling him it's over don't mean too much. You have to trust your gut and she will have to show through actions she is committed. I hope for your sake, she will become like some of the posters on here and be truly remorseful. I would, however, be extremely cautious.


----------



## MrK

HurtinginTN said:


> Not to try to burst your bubble, but to give you some perspective.
> 
> The first time I found out it was more than "just friends", I got the crying, etc. At that point, their contact was online only. I watched her end it on the site they played on.
> 
> Of course, that didn't last long. It progressed to phone calls. I confronted, she cried and begged me not to leave her. She called and ended it in my presence.
> 
> I'm not sure how many times that repeated itself. There were at least 4 times she "ended it" in my presence. At least twice, I talked to POS OM and he "confirmed" it was over. He blubbered away about how sorry he was. She blubbered away about how she didn't want a divorce, etc.
> 
> They are still talking. I don't believe they ever stopped. I don't know if there was even a break in contact at all after these shows. In other words, just sending a text telling him it's over don't mean too much. You have to trust your gut and she will have to show through actions she is committed. I hope for your sake, she will become like some of the posters on here and be truly remorseful. I would, however, be extremely cautious.


JP. Listen to this man. I remember his thread. Very similar to yours. He's lived it. It's funny how the people who were once all "what do I do?" are, for better or worse, the experts now.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Waywards lie , her sister is blood and her verification cannot be counted on however...

If your wife is committed to you, then she handwrites a no contact letter in front of you, three further handwritten letters of apology for her affair to her family, yours and the OM's girlfriend . By going this she is acknowledging her adultery , apologising to those she hurt and stating the affair is over , not quite burning down the bridge to the OM but a good start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh wow, so he had a girlfriend/wife (which was it of the two). Sounds like their affair may have led to the demise of that relationship too.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Don't compromise or dilute the boundaries , when you ask for full transparency have her answers in writing , give her till the next day to provide the answers to you. You ask every and any question you chose . By writing the answers emotions are then removed and she has no excuse to forget important details. I would also state that you remind her you reserve the right to polygraph her at any point in time to verify the truth .

Only once you have verified and are satisfied she is no longer in the affair , is committed to you and is remorseful do you consider rebuilding the relationship.

During this time you run the 180 and stick to it until your marriage is more certain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## crossbar

Well, if you do want to try and work it out, I would strongly suggest that she still does not move back in. I would still say that marriage counseling is a MUST; whether she wants to go or not. 

There are some really good therapists out there, and there's some not so great therapists out there so it's important to do your homework. 

However, unless you see some REALLY remorseful actions on her part...it's never gonna work.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Eli-Zor said:


> If your wife is committed to you, then she handwrites a no contact letter in front of you, three further handwritten letters of apology for her affair to her family, yours and the OM's girlfriend . By going this she is acknowledging her adultery , apologising to those she hurt and stating the affair is over , not quite burning down the bridge to the OM but a good start.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is the one thing my wife never did. She would never do the letter. I should have been firm the first time on the letter and my sentence in hell would have been much shorter. No hand-written letters = no remorse.


----------



## aug

Actually, if you really want to think about this in a practical sense, now is the best time to get her to sign an agreement, all in your favor, should you decide to divorce in the future.

Get an agreement drafted up where you get to keep all the assets you want if she sees or contacted the other man again.


Tell her:
sign this agreement if you have truly broken contact with OM


----------



## morituri

jaypap said:


> she told her OM on Tuesday that they were thru..which kinda explains the way she was acting on Wednesday (the tantrum with the pulling of her hair and all her frustrations coming out like she was self destructing) *almost like a crackhead going thru withdraws*


That is because an affair causes the brain to secret a powerful co*ktail of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc. Similar to crack cocaine which causes the brain to release a large amount of dopamine which causes euphoria and later depression when the levels of dopamine plummet.

Dr Willard Harley PhD who is the founder of Marriage Builders, once operated a series of drug rehabilitation clinics and noticed that the same withdrawal symptoms present in drug addicted people were also present in people who had been involved in affairs.

Just like with a drug addict, *the only way for a cheating spouse to recover from an affair is to go 'cold turkey' from his/her lover*. And as you've witnessed first hand, it ain't a pretty sight.


----------



## aug

jaypap said:


> (we had my *stepson *in it for a while and it was truely a waste of money)...



Was she divorced before, a single mom, widowed before you married her?


----------



## HurtinginTN

MrK said:


> JP. Listen to this man. I remember his thread. Very similar to yours. He's lived it. It's funny how the people who were once all "what do I do?" are, for better or worse, the experts now.


Thank you for the compliment. I want to clarify for the OP, though. I am an expert at what doesn't work. I did everything wrong. The woman I have loved for 14 years and planned to grow old with is in love with another man. I am getting divorced. So, I know what doesn't work.

Eli-Zor and others on here are experts at what does work. I point out my errors to others in hopes it will help them to get through the "smog" and listen to the true experts on here.


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## jaypap

So she stopped by befor work to "prove" that she deleted the app on her phone which she used to contact him (which she can install and uninstall all day)..so she handed her phone over and said go ahead and look thru it..so I did and noticed she still had his name and number in her contacts..so I went ahead and deleted it..the reason I deleted it is simple..the app she uses needs to have the contact stored the phon and the spy thing I have on her phone shows if new contacts are stored so I was pretty sure she would show where her head is at..and sure enough she reprogrammed his number..so I called her on her lunch and told her that I will bring the stuff she has at the house to our sons football game tonight and she can give me the child support that we had talked about before and I'm gonna go ahead and take the cell pphone (that's in my name)..she tried to feed me B.S.excuses about saving the number..but I seen through it and told her she wasn't going to use my cell phone account to continue her affair and that when we hung up I was going to suspend the account so the phone will be useless to her..she wasn't very happy when we hung up..and I'm sure she's not very happy not being able to txt OM for comforting words...I guess she reaps what she sows..as for me I'll see her at the football game..after that I'm ghost!...wish me luck


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## jaypap

aug said:


> Was she divorced before, a single mom, widowed before you married her?


She got prego and her BF left..so she called me that was 15yrs ago..been married for 12
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN

jaypap said:


> so I went ahead and deleted it..the reason I deleted it is simple..the app she uses needs to have the contact stored the phon and the spy thing I have on her phone shows if new contacts are stored so I was pretty sure she would show where her head is at..and sure enough she reprogrammed his number..



Nice move. Funny how they always seem to think they can hide stuff.


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## crossbar

Umm...just disregard my last post.....


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## Eli-Zor

Call her sister and let her know your wife has not cut off contact , don't reveal how you know? If she was part of the deception she knows she has been outed as well if she is not part of the deception she should be pissed at your wife. As she is out of the house , go dark , no direct contact is required between your wife and you. Get your lawyer working, don't rely on her promises to pay you nor trust her in any way, formalise her leaving, her abandoning the family and her committed payments to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

Its all in the works..I have a signed paper from the apartment taking her off the lease which she signed Monday..so legally she is out..and mentally she is out there..so one day at a time now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3

jaypap said:


> So she stopped by befor work to "prove" that she deleted the app on her phone which she used to contact him (which she can install and uninstall all day)..so she handed her phone over and said go ahead and look thru it..so I did and noticed she still had his name and number in her contacts..so I went ahead and deleted it..the reason I deleted it is simple..the app she uses needs to have the contact stored the phon and the spy thing I have on her phone shows if new contacts are stored so I was pretty sure she would show where her head is at..and sure enough she reprogrammed his number..*so I called her on her lunch and told her that I will bring the stuff she has at the house to our sons football game tonight and she can give me the child support that we had talked about before and I'm gonna go ahead and take the cell pphone (that's in my name)..she tried to feed me B.S.excuses about saving the number..but I seen through it and told her she wasn't going to use my cell phone account to continue her affair and that when we hung up I was going to suspend the account so the phone will be useless to her..she wasn't very happy when we hung up..and I'm sure she's not very happy not being able to txt OM for comforting words..*.I guess she reaps what she sows..as for me I'll see her at the football game..after that I'm ghost!...wish me luck


Way to go J!


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## aug

jaypap said:


> She got prego and her BF left..so she called me that was 15yrs ago..been married for 12


Well, f*** that. You were her backup man 15 years ago and now she relegated you to the side in your marriage.


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## Jellybeans

Jay--you are handling this like a pro. Seriously. Keep it up! I Am so glad you are calling her out on her nonsense and telling her what is what. GOOD ON YOU for taking her off the account/stopping the phone account!


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## jaypap

Ya I was (and still am) pissed at her mom and sis for being enablers..and here I was too...no more though!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

Poor wife had to go buy a phone and a hotel room for a week..and of course its all MY fault..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

jaypap said:


> Poor wife had to go buy a phone and a hotel room for a week..and of course its all MY fault..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



just as long as your credit card was not used...


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## Initfortheduration

jaypap said:


> She got prego and her BF left..so she called me that was 15yrs ago..been married for 12
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The question is, was it his? How could you tell?


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## Eli-Zor

Amazing how few OM's offer to pick up the tab, surly the OM cares enough to pay her hotel bill and her phone after all she must imagine a future with him as she is more than willing to destroy her marriage.

Having a mistress who's husband picks up the bill is a winner , having a mistress who bleats about having no money and requires financial support is a passion killer , one can only imagine his joy when she tells him she wants to move in with him. He has to forfull all her needs and more , hard relationship work is not what an OM wants, nor does he want her bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size


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## Jellybeans

You are right Eli. I think most OM just want sex with no strings. And I think that most OW want to replace the wife. Jay....don't pay her hotel bill. No way. Cancel her name off the account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Stay stong in the belief that it only takes a commited and validated proof that NC is applied. Its got nothing to do with you, of course its not your fault, just keeping drilling it in "confirm and vailadet NC" and everything can change.
She has this power, the power to changes the direction the both of you are heading with one thing and one thing only, and that is NC.

It seems simple for you and me but the fact remains she is addicted. So as the both of you move forward in this sh~t storm, you only have one thing to keep reminding her of "confirm and validate NC" then it will all stop, she can come home she can be with her kids, she/both you can start to repair the marriage.

Basicily, I'm saying rinse and repeat until NC. She can blame you all she wants, she can get angry, and she can be as frusterated as she wants, the bottom line is NC. This whole thing can change direction with her choice to NC.

This sediment should be brought to her attention at every turn, every conversation, no contact mean no contact for good.


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## Eli-Zor

the guy said:


> Stay stong in the belief that it only takes a commited and validated proof that NC is applied. Its got nothing to do with you, of course its not your fault, just keeping drilling it in "confirm and vailadet NC" and everything can change.
> She has this power, the power to changes the direction the both of you are heading with one thing and one thing only, and that is NC.
> 
> It seems simple for you and me but the fact remains she is addicted. So as the both of you move forward in this sh~t storm, you only have one thing to keep reminding her of "confirm and validate NC" then it will all stop, she can come home she can be with her kids, she/both you can start to repair the marriage.
> 
> Basicily, I'm saying rinse and repeat until NC. She can blame you all she wants, she can get angry, and she can be as frusterated as she wants, the bottom line is NC. This whole thing can change direction with her choice to NC.
> 
> This sediment should be brought to her attention at every turn, every conversation, no contact mean no contact for good.



Good post , every minute of very day she has the opportunity to commit to you and fight for her marriage . Leave the door open as long as you choose but always keep the boundaries and requirements firm . If she takes to long you have choices to make that don't involve her in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaypap

Eli-Zor said:


> Good post , every minute of very day she has the opportunity to commit to you and fight for her marriage . Leave the door open as long as you choose but always keep the boundaries and requirements firm . If she takes to long you have choices to make that don't involve her in your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The door will never fully closed on my marriage and family..she knows that..and she is realizing that NC means NC..nothing else will do..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

jaypap said:


> The door will never fully closed on my marriage and family..she knows that..


Not good. You need to convey to her that you are moving on without her. Once she gets slapped with divorce papers, it will show her that you are not her doormat and definitely not her backup man in case things don't workout with her lover(s). Hopefully she will come out of the fog and realize what she is about to loose if she doesn't get with the program of total transparency and voluntarily enforcing marital boundaries with other men.



> and she is realizing that NC means NC..nothing else will do.._Posted via Mobile Device_


Very good. *DO NOT* negotiate with her on this vital point. Every time she has contact with the OM, she's gets another fix and you're back to square one. So do not allow her to convince you that she should keep him as a 'friend'. No contact is no contact.


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## [email protected]

Dump her fast. I'm sorry but my husband had an EA and he agreed to not have any more contact. So far it seems he hasn't. I will not put up with that crap and neither should you. I know you love her but you have to move on with your children. Cut her loose please for your own sanity.


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