# All out of ideas...help



## desperatelover (May 13, 2014)

I'm here to ask for some advice due to the fact I feel I've run out of options. Short summary: My husband lies to me constantly...about everything no matter how large or small. The problem I'd like to bring up, however, is that it seems he cannot be faithful to our marriage. It started about 2 years ago I found out he had been looking at porn every chance he got. That was bad enough to me because I watched it tear my parents apart. That wasn't the end. Shortly thereafter I found out he was visiting dating sites, although he claimed he hadn't contacted anyone. I found out that was a HUGE lie. He was on so many dating sites, and talked to so many women I couldn't tell you the number if I wanted to. Then he began to pay for the dating sites instead of sticking with the free ones. Later on he started giving these women his phone number, sending nude pictures etc. He has a bad habit of "going to the store" and staying gone for 12+ hours. I caught him at the bar waiting to meet someone there. He left last November to go for a ride...and I didn't see him again for a week...I had no idea where he was..no contact at all. So that being said...it seems to me none of it has stopped...including the lying. Honestly, it just tears me apart even to find him looking at women online...even if it's just pictures. I've told him how it bothered me...a long time ago. I told him why it was a problem. It doesn't seem to help. I've tried being patient, I've tried being more sexual and even trying things I will NEVER be comfortable with. I don't know what to do. I want to save my marriage, but at this rate, with the infidelity and deceit I don't think it looks too good. I think its also important to say, I want nothing from him I cannot give back. I'm completely faithful, and happy to be. Can anyone help me?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I don't know what good advice to give you other than you deserve better than this maybe it's time for you to consider moving on and letting him go your husband sounds like a serial cheater men like that don't change until they have hit rock bottom.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you have been going through this. 

Your husband is a habitual cheater and liar. People like this do not change and they do not stop this behavior.

You cannot change another person. The only things you can do is to change how you interact with them and you can change yourself. 

You do have options left. One that I seldom suggest is divorce. But in your case it's really your only choice that will save you and your sanity.

Have you given leaving him any serious consideration? If not why?

How long have the two of you been married?

Do you have any children with him?

Do you have a job?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

He really, needs to seek some help. His behavior is very compulsive and dangerous.

I would also be heartbroken if I found these things out. 

I think it is also important for you to help yourself in this situation. It is tearing you down.

I haven't ever had these problems, but I'm sure some here have and can give much better
Advice. I hope that you find a good solution. As difficult as your pain may be, take care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh.. I forgot to mention. Please get an STD test. He is putting your health at risk.


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## desperatelover (May 13, 2014)

I have considered leaving, but that is really a very last resort. If I can save my marriage at all, that's what I really want. We have been married for a year and a half. We do have a son together, he's two months. I do not work outside my home. He and I agreed on that when we first moved in together. I do love him, I'm just falling apart because of all this. I've never dealt with such deceit in all my life. Never thought this was the way you acted when you love someone. I've tried talking to him about it, I've asked him if this wasn't what he wanted. I've given him easy opportunities to walk away. That isn't what I want, but I felt like I had to make it known that I wasn't going to try to stop him from going. I know the logical thing to do is walk away. I just want to know if there is more I can do. If there is something out there to save what we have left.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Leaving your marriage should be a last resort DL but putting up with his crap ain't gonna save it in the long haul. Time to get tough my girl.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I understand that you do not want to give up on your marriage. But you also have to realize the severity of your situation. I think that you do realize it but are not ready to face that you have to take some kind of drastic action here.

This might seem like an off the wall question, but it’s important. How is the money handled in your marriage? Is your husband’s income put into a joint account that you have access to? Who does the grocery shopping? Who pays the bills?

Do you have a car so that you can go places when you want to?

How old are you and your husband?

Who in your real life have you about what your husband is doing? Does anyone in your family know?

{sorry about all the questions but this info helps}

You do have choices….


You can stay and just accept that you are married to a liar and a cheat.

You keep doing what you are doing and he keeps doing what he’s doing. You will end up emotionally broken and probably sick with a few STDs. 

You can leave him which is probably the healthiest choice for you. I say this because your husband is not a ‘normal’ kind of cheater. Most people are not repeat cheaters. 

You can get into counseling with someone who handles domestic abuse. What your husband is doing is not just cheating… it’s a form of serious emotional abuse. Once you are in counseling ask them about referring you to someone who can counsel your husband. A specialist is sexual addiction is the kind of counselor he needs. After you have had some counseling, you have the hard job of telling him that either he stops his cheating and getting into counseling to handle his sexual behavior or you are leaving him.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Sorry to hear of your situation.

Speaking from experience, it can take a LOT to snap people out of a funk or personal trail of destruction. Sometimes this is never possible.

If you want any chance of trying to help your husband snap out of his funk (if he is open to doing so), you need to do something RADICAL.

I know this sounds tough (and 6 months ago, I was equally hesitant to such advice), but I think your ONLY option at this point is to serve papers and move out.

I have learnt that relationships can be fixed if both parties are willing, but at the moment, your partner is sick and he needs time alone to fix himself (and that's if he wants to).

If he doesn't want to fix himself, then you don't want to be with him any way.

So, my advice is to serve papers and move out immediately.

Trust me, this is your ONLY option.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Desperatelover


*You have to win the war with your emotions and your compromising. He will destroy you in short time.* You are asking what more YOU CAN DO to save the marriage! Your marriage is destroyed and he is the one that has destroyed it. If you try to save the Titanic you will go down with the ship.


You are being walked on like a dirty rug.* No man or woman is worth you losing your respect and dignity*. He does not care about you enough to stop hurting you.


Either you are too much co-dependant on him or you do not have enough self respect to take the actions that would help you the most. Your actions may even shock him out of his selfishness. Your first order of action is to use every resourse available to you that will build you up and your child.* He should not even be considered in your plan or life because he will only drag you down*. You are in a fight for your emotional health and you have yourself and your child to care for. Face the fact that right now your husband should be no part of your life and plans.


There is always a chance that he may come out of his selfness but please do not hold on to that tiny possibility, that will only give you a reason to not do the right things. You would probably have a better chance of winning the lottery than him becoming the husband that you want. You do not have time to wait another year to see if he will change you need to work on you NOW. ! *Start right NOW getting yourself better emotional and financially. Right now you are putty in his hands and you are at the disadvantage. You can turn that around and be so much better in the future.*


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

desperatelover said:


> I have considered leaving, but that is really a very last resort. If I can save my marriage at all, that's what I really want. We have been married for a year and a half. We do have a son together, he's two months. I do not work outside my home. He and I agreed on that when we first moved in together. I do love him, I'm just falling apart because of all this. I've never dealt with such deceit in all my life. Never thought this was the way you acted when you love someone. I've tried talking to him about it, I've asked him if this wasn't what he wanted. I've given him easy opportunities to walk away. That isn't what I want, but I felt like I had to make it known that I wasn't going to try to stop him from going. I know the logical thing to do is walk away. I just want to know if there is more I can do. If there is something out there to save what we have left.




If I can save my marriage at all, that's what I really want. 


Unicorns, rainbows, lolipops, and bows. All fantasy. I believe what you want is to save some fake notion of a marriage. You really don't have a marriage right now and if you stick it out with this guy then you either have to change your view of what a marriage is (open marriage) or just keep complaining to strangers.


I do love him

Then why are you complaining to a bunch of strangers telling us how bad he is. My definition of love is not bashing my spouse to a bunch of internet strangers. My definition of love is not telling folks my husband is a liar. My definition of love is not telling folks my husband is a cheat.

The point I am trying to make here is that you have a messed up view of "love". A very common one.

Never thought this was the way you acted when you love someone.

You are confusing your views of love, marriage, and relationships from your perspective and trying to project them onto your husband. 

More on this below.



I know the logical thing to do is walk away.

Logic verses emotion. Your messed up view of love has trumped logic.


I just want to know if there is more I can do. If there is something out there to save what we have left

Sure there is. You want to save what you have left, then just sit back and relax, because you already have it. If that is your bottom line, "saving what you have left", then I would submit that you have arrived at your goal.



I am sorry for being sarcastic, but you need a two by four up against your skull.

You asked for help.

1. Your marriage as you see it has been over for quite a while.
2. The only hope you have at saving your marriage is to end it. File for divorce, mean it. 
3. He might change but I would not hold out hope.
4. Start looking for a job.
5. Don't be there for him. Set firm boundaries. No sex, no cooking, no cleaning, nothing.
6. Expose his misdeeds.
7. Use the internet and start researching abused women, self-esteem, and read some of the posts here where women found the courage to face their cheating husbands.
8. Don't settle for this guy. He is a bum, a turkey, a liar and a cheat.
9. Don't allow him to manipulate your emotions.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry you're married to a liar and cheater. gone for a week? unfrkinbelieveable. 

people treat us how we let them. you let your H treat you with incredible disrespect. you let him do that. 

i know you asked for ideas and i'm sure you'll get plenty that are constructive and helpful. mine is to leave him and stop letting him treat you like sh1t. geez, i've treated people i don't even like better than he treats you.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

I guess I’m trying put it all into context *Desperate*, you say you have a two-month old, it sounds like your husband unexplainably disappeared for a week in your first trimester however his behavior has been an issue for at least 2-years and your biography says you have two children? 

Outside of what you mentioned in your first post have you engaged any "outside” help here such as counseling or discussion with pastor? What has response to any of your discussion been? I just don’t get what his position is – what does he tell you when he disappears for 12 hours or a week?

And with all due respect, what was the thinking on bringing a second child into such an (apparently) bad set of facts and circumstances? Did you think a second would bring you closer together, settle him down, etc?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

desperatelover said:


> I have considered leaving, but that is really a very last resort. If I can save my marriage at all, that's what I really want. We have been married for a year and a half. We do have a son together, he's two months. I do not work outside my home. He and I agreed on that when we first moved in together. I do love him, I'm just falling apart because of all this. I've never dealt with such deceit in all my life. Never thought this was the way you acted when you love someone. I've tried talking to him about it, I've asked him if this wasn't what he wanted. I've given him easy opportunities to walk away. That isn't what I want, but I felt like I had to make it known that I wasn't going to try to stop him from going. I know the logical thing to do is walk away. I just want to know if there is more I can do. If there is something out there to save what we have left.


It is not your fault that he is acting like this!

A family is such a huge priority in everyway.

When the father is not present, many things will fall apart.
They are important for security, stability and help build the foundation of your home.

I am sorta lost to as to what to help you with, because you seem to be in love with this man and really willing to work it out even after everything you have found out. 

I just wish the best for you and your child!!! 

P.S- 2 months old is such a precious age. I couldn't quit holding my daughter. Their love and peace gives you so much understanding and relaxation. Just love on that baby!!!!!!


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## desperatelover (May 13, 2014)

Thorburn, you did give some constructive advice at the end of your post, however I do have some things to address. First of all, I am quite aware that my marriage is unhealthy. I didn't come here to validate that. I do love my husband and in my opinion we all come to a point sometime in our lives that a little advice may do us some good, but it's not always something we can feel comfortable talking with friends or loved ones about because we DON'T want to expose our spouse and private things in our marriage. That's why I'm here in an online marriage forum where my husband's identity as well as my own is completely anonymous. I also hardly consider it bashing when only facts were stated. If you feel that way about it maybe you should stop giving advice on a Marriage forum...it is here for people who have trouble in their marriage therefore negative things will be stated. I don't know what your "definition" of love is, but you don't have to be perfect to be loved. Obviously you've never found yourself in a situation like mine because you do not understand how any of it feels. You don't know the desperation you feel when you've tried everything you know to try, when you've given all you know to give and nothing gets better, yet you are in love with this person. You look back and see mistakes, but you didn't know then what you know now. So please before you go out bashing and judging a person and being so harsh, at least attempt to put yourself in there shoes.


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## desperatelover (May 13, 2014)

SpinDaddy, I asked him to go to counseling back in the beginning of December. He said yes, but would never go. We don't attend church but I've attempted to contact several christian ministries I found online but they didn't have much advice. I do have two children, but my oldest is not from this marriage. Having the second child wasn't planned, but I love my kids and wouldn't change it for anything. As far as when he leaves for that long, he says he's just riding, that he wasn't ready to come home yet. Or like the last time he told me he sat down by the creek...that time he was gone over 16 hours. When he left for a week, he said he stayed at a hotel all week and was sick...but wouldn't say why he wasn't answering my calls or talking to me period. And yes, when he disappeared for a week, I was 5 months pregnant. I don't understand it either. He says he loves me, says he wants this marriage, but a lot of the time it doesn't feel like it.


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## desperatelover (May 13, 2014)

bkaydezz said:


> It is not your fault that he is acting like this!
> 
> A family is such a huge priority in everyway.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for that. I didn't come here to be bashed in the head...just for a little advice, but people can be cruel...thank you for your kindness!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

No problem!!

It has happened to me several times on here too. Some people are more responsive and nurturing than others.

Yes, people are evil. It is very frustrating to know that some persons intentions are only those of negative intent. 

Hope you feel better!


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear of everything that you've gone through (and continue to go through). I appreciate the fact that you want to save your marriage and put a hedge of protection around it. There is always hope; I believe that wholeheartedly. It does, however, take effort from both sides. 

I didn't read all of the comments, but have you and your husband ever talked about marriage counseling? I highly recommend that you both sit down with a counselor and talk through these issues. A good counselor can help you communicate your feelings, and work toward healing and restoration for your relationship. 

It's obvious that you love your husband very much. I wish you all the best as you work through this season. Praying for you, friend.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You've described your husband as a despicable man, not just a cheating husband. It would be hard for most to understand what you find loveable about him.

He disrespects you in the worst way, yet you've given him no real consequences. Of course he'll continue to do this, because you've shown him that you will accept it.

It's one thing to reconcile with a cheater who's remorseful. It's quite another to attempt R with one who isn't; and he's not even close. 

You have to be willing to end your marriage to have at least a chance to save it. Talk to an attorney, put together an exit strategy, and start the divorce process. If there's any small chance of him turning around, that will be the catalyst. 

But based on how you describe him, don't count on it dear.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

what people on this thread have said in no way compares to how disgusting the man you love has treated you but yeah, go ahead and tell us all how mean we are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

desperatelover said:


> He left last November to go for a ride...and I didn't see him again for a week...I had no idea where he was..no contact at all.
> 
> Can anyone help me?


Yes. Pack his clothes and tell him you're no longer willing to put up with his sh*t. Hand him the divorce papers on the way out. Let him stew on that. MAYBE, just maybe, it will wake him up and show him he'd better kiss all that crap goodbye and treat you right.

And if he doesn't, best that you know NOW, than wait another 10-20 years of this BS.

Bottom line, you cannot NICE him back to you. The only way he will ever treat you right is if he is afraid of losing you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

desperatelover said:


> Obviously you've never found yourself in a situation like mine because you do not understand how any of it feels. You don't know the desperation you feel when you've tried everything you know to try, when you've given all you know to give and nothing gets better, yet you are in love with this person. You look back and see mistakes, but you didn't know then what you know now. So please before you go out bashing and judging a person and being so harsh, at least attempt to put yourself in there shoes.


Actually, Thorburn has endured one of, if not THE most, horrendous experiences with adultery we've ever seen. And he's still there, caring for a very sick former wayward wife. Who never would have stopped cheating had he not stood up to her and said I'm done with you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

desperatelover said:


> I have considered leaving, but that is really a very last resort. If I can save my marriage at all, that's what I really want. We have been married for a year and a half. We do have a son together, he's two months. I do not work outside my home. He and I agreed on that when we first moved in together. I do love him, I'm just falling apart because of all this. I've never dealt with such deceit in all my life. Never thought this was the way you acted when you love someone. I've tried talking to him about it, I've asked him if this wasn't what he wanted. I've given him easy opportunities to walk away. That isn't what I want, but I felt like I had to make it known that I wasn't going to try to stop him from going. I know the logical thing to do is walk away. I just want to know if there is more I can do. If there is something out there to save what we have left.


He married you to give himself the HALF of what he wanted - the stable, barefoot and pregnant wife/mother/maid/hooker who would never leave him - so he could then go out and get all the rest of the women he wants and believes he's entitled to.

Sorry, but you got duped. I know many men just like your husband.


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## desperatelover (May 13, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice. I know most of it rings true. I do believe I have a tough road ahead. It's hard to walk away from someone you love, but I can't live like this because what I shared here isn't even half. Again, thank you all for your time and consideration


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

desperatelover said:


> I've never dealt with such deceit in all my life. Never thought this was the way you acted when you love someone.


You think.. he loves you?

Really?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

desperatelover said:


> Thank you all for your advice. I know most of it rings true. I do believe I have a tough road ahead. It's hard to walk away from someone you love, but I can't live like this because what I shared here isn't even half. Again, thank you all for your time and consideration


Hey, hang in there ok 

Life is not over. You are tough, you have made it through all of this pain, you will bring you out of it!!!

:smthumbup:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Six months before you got married, he was lying, disrespectful, porn addiction, dating sites etc, etc, etc. but yet you still married him.

After marriage he leaves for days and weeks at a time, without telling you.

I hope thing turn around for you and your baby.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Thank you all for your advice. I know most of it rings true. I do believe I have a tough road ahead. It's hard to walk away from someone you love, but I can't live like this because what I shared here isn't even half. Again, thank you all for your time and consideration



If you love someone that has treated you like you told us he has then your love lacks self respect and has some
co-dependant issues also. It is not a healthly love when your husband is treating you like a dirty dish rag! 

If what you have told us is not even half of what he has done then you only have two choices:


1	Stay with him and have your emotions and life ruined. Also your children will suffer


2	Stand up for yourself and your children and begin a new life that is without your extremely damaging husband

*If I am wrong then tell us what other options you have.*


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## desperatelover (May 13, 2014)

Mr Blunt, I don't believe you all are wrong. However, I don't think it's easy for anyone to face the fact that the person you give your life to every day, the person you sacrifice for, the person you think about in everything you do really doesn't love you at all. It is hard to walk away with everything I've given....so much of myself. Not impossible, but difficult. Just seems like another crazy mistake I've made. Every day I've spent hoping I'd wake up and today would be the day its different...but every day I wake up and it's the same. I know you're right, but it doesn't make it easy.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I know it is difficult for you but unfortunately he has forced you to make a choice of two very difficult choices


1 Stay with him and have your emotions and life ruined. Also your children will suffer


2 Stand up for yourself and your children and begin a new life that is without your extremely damaging husband


I do sympathize with you but my sympathy will not help much. You say it is not easy and difficult and I believe you 100%. *The question is which is more difficult; to stay with him and have your emotions destroyed or start executing your plan to make a life for you and your child?*


I know that I am blunt but you may need a blunt response to help you see the cold reality he has forced upon you.. This man has treated you like a door mat and is damaging you and has not shown any sign of changing. If you need help then go to your church or anyone, anyplace, that can help you not be so co-dependant and absorb all the abuse. If anyone treated me like your husband is treating you there would be some action on my part to put a stop to that treatment and get myself in better condition. I will not allow people to walk on me.


It is upsetting to see how you have been treated.* I would suggest you getting a short term and a long term plan so that you get better in the area of self sufficiency. If you stay with this abuser he will destroy you. Wish I had an easier answer but I do not.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

desperate, read some of these each day:
Quotes About Strength (1017 quotes)


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