# How can I get her love back



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

I have posted elsewhere on this forum about my problems, as such I don't want to repeat that post (though I suppose the essence is the same....).

Two months ago my wife told me she does not love me any more and wants a divorce. We have been married 13 years and out of these have lived abroad for 5 years. My wife says that this has been a slow process in her over this entire 4-5 years abroad, which were stressful for her, and this is also the period when the kids came in to the picture. Slowly but surely my work took its tole, I did not love her properly, the way she wanted, and now she says that in the past year she had fallen completely out of love with me. She will hear of nothing short of divorce. When I have tried to raise the issue of trying for the sake of the kids, she always says "but what about my feelings" (meaning the fact that she does not love me any more).

I am now wracking my brain how I can get her love back. I know you can't make someone love you (or can you?). But we have been married for 13 years and I believe that counts for something. The years prior to going abroad were good (of course, that is also before the kids came). I just don't know what to do.

Please help me with any ideas you may have.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

The first thing I would advise you is to accept her decision about the divorce is not going to change if you keep pressuring her to feel any different about you. You're gong to have to act in a way that will have her respect you as soon as possible. There cannot be love without first having respect for that person. 

You need to agree with her feelings about you and give her the divorce she wants. Then give her plenty of space and do not ever seem needy for her. If you can remember first dating her you'd recall you didn't need her like you do now. In fact you probably teased her little quirks and ignored her when she was being a b*tch. She will respect you more if you don't need her when she doesn't want you, but you'll still be there for your kids.

Take the freedom you have at this time to get a life and do things you enjoy that other women would respect you for. You had her chase you because you were interesting so get some interesting hobbies. Go lift weights and swim everyday. Work on quitting cigarettes and alcohol along with porn and anger problems. Read a book about relationships and a few romance novels. Watch Fight Club daily! Get that tattoo you always wanted but didn't have the balls to go through with. Take your wife off her pedestal by flirting with other women but not cheating. Take the kids off your wife's hands once a week and give her space while you have a day with them. You get the idea.

The point is to change yourself into someone who doesn't need her to be happy but enjoys life regardless. She'll take an interest in you for sure but at that point you may not even want her back so soon. That's when she'll miss you and what you two used to have. You'll have another shot to win her back and more with you being in contact with your children. It doesn't matter if she needs to divorce you to see what she missing because you'll be around her anyways. Take this time to show her you're a big boy who can deal with whatever she decides to do.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Thanks NSweet, I know, really I know.
Since last 2-3 weeks I have stopped talking about it.
As I see it I have two options, the first is really to give up now and get on with life and the second is to do what you suggest (which is still to get on with life but with an objective of changing and being there for her and the kids and maybe get a chance to win her back).
I realize this might take 1, 2, 3 years or never.
I want to do it, but honestly, I am not sure I have the strength in me. I really want to do it, but it is hard, and we have not even begun yet (still 2 months to go till we leave this country, then get back, then the divorce, etc etc).


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