# I have to initiate sex :(



## bluemountain180 (Apr 18, 2011)

OK, so me and my husband have been married for 3 years now (still new I know) and I am struggling quite a bit. I love my husband more than I can explain and I know he loves me. One of the many problems I am struggling with is the fact the he will not ever initiate sex, never ever and that is something I need to feel loved and wanted. I have to initiate 100%, it has been like this since 4 months after we were married. I struggle with being rejected and have a deep fear of it. My husband was married once before for less than a year and then, after the divorce, had girlfriends that lived with him. I, on the other hand, was a virgin when we were married. When I have confronted him about this issue when we were first married, he either said, " I had to abstain for a year before we were married and now it is hard to get back into the swing of it" then it was "Sex just isn't that important to me since I used to have it all the time". He gets grumpy whenever I do talk about it and it ends with us fighting and me crying or leave feeling numb so I just don't talk about it anymore. We can go months w/o having sex and it doesn't seem to bother him and I simply get tired of being scared to broach the subject. He also hates holding hands when we go places, doesn't wrap his arm around me ever, doesn't kiss me anymore, and rolls his eyes when I ask for a hug or a kiss or to curl up on top of him while we watch TV. What am I doing wrong? I don't feel I am unattractive, though I am starting to since he wont ever touch me, and I know he isn't cheating on me. We have no kids except for a step-son we get on weekends. I was always taught that a man would have the higher libido drive and have watched 5 of my 6 sisters husbands display this idea as well as my parents. I grew up in a home where kissing and hugging an other displays of affection were common and welcomed, he grew up in a home where he was lucky to see his parents sit next to each other at the table. Help please, any suggestions or idea's or same situations will help. I don't know what to do and I fear that if this keeps happening for the next 3 years I won’t be able to make it. He thinks our marriage is fine...


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

His comment " I had to abstain" is interesting. Did he want to have sex with you before you were married? 
If a guy is turned down enough times he may get tired of the rejection and resent the power you have held over him. This can almost permanently turn off a guy.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Sex is tricky and almost every part of the relationship plays into it. 

1) take the love language quiz(the book is good too). You both need to work on filling the OTHER person's "love bank"
Love Languages Test
or 
Home - Five Love Languages

2) communication is a big enough issue with you two that I would suggest even a few MC sessions or books on communication. You guys have a bad pattern started that needs to be fixed NOW. Not 3 years from now when you are both too jaded to care.

3) It really sounds like something is holding him back. The part about growing is part of it, but you both need to move towards the middle ground.
It sounds like something else though. I don't understand why he isn't more interested when he was in the past. You might want to have him get a testosterone test. Stress, fights, jobs, age, etc can all hinder testosterone. Its seriously a night and day difference in attitude from low to normal testosterone. It might be something else though. Some fear or issue behind this.

4) You might want to try to get him to open up somehow. Sometimes that means only LISTENING AND NOT TALKING AT ALL!!!! Only respond with telling him you understand and empathize with him. Its powerful. Telling him he is wrong for not wanting more sex isn't the answer.

5) Finally, being the higher drive spouse often means initiating 95+% of the time, and thats fine. A lot of men on these forums talk about spending 20 minutes slowing turning on their wifes, and you may have to do the same. Its really not that bad, and if you get past the part that he needs to initiate, you end up in the same spot. 

Best of luck.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I disagree with the posters above.

There is something very wrong in your relationship and it's making you very unhappy having to live like this. I do not recommend you spend another three years waiting to see if he will change. I suggest you take action and if he does not step up and do something about this then I would leave . You do deserve to feel desired and have an intimate sexual connection with your husband. You also deserve to have physical closeness.

tell him that you want more than this from your marriage, that intimacy and closeness are important to you and you know you can't go living with out them. 

Ask him to go to the Dr and get checked out, have a physical and have his testosterone levels checked. He could just need more testosterone, this is quite a comman problem.

Ask him to also go to counseling with you.

If he has no desire to do those things and will not commit to doing them and helping to change long term then I would say you should leave him, then you will have the chance at the life you deserve.

Good luck.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Syrum said:


> I disagree with the posters above.
> 
> There is something very wrong in your relationship and it's making you very unhappy having to live like this. I do not recommend you spend another three years waiting to see if he will change. I suggest you take action and if he does not step up and do something about this then I would leave . You do deserve to feel desired and have an intimate sexual connection with your husband. You also deserve to have physical closeness.
> 
> ...


great advice for wives and husbands with very LD spouses


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP how finely tuned is your Gaydar?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> OP how finely tuned is your Gaydar?


Yeah something is very wrong in this picture. His first marriage was short and now 3 years into this one he's still not interested in sex. Very suspicious.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Go get the book:

Amazon.com: why men stop having sex: Books

When Men Stop Having Sex - The Phenomenon of the Sexless Marriage.

Very interesting read.

Men are complex creatures. LOTS of reasons they start denying sex - not all having to do with libido.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

He may also be one who is uncomfortable with displays of affection.

Could be the reason his first marriage ended early.

Some men are just withdrawn and uncomfortable with the huggy, lovey, dovey, touchy-feeling type of relationship.

I've been married to one of those men for 26+ years.

I already know it's not me - he's just not a touchy-feely type person.

Uncomfortable when giving hugs (to anyone), not into sloppy kissing all the time, or throwing his arm around you or holding hands when out in public.

His childhood was not full of touching and loving gestures - just not his parents style - so he learned that it's not necessary.

I, on the other hand am touchy-feely.

Doesn't make me right or him wrong - just different.

I've learned to adapt to the differences, I quit fighting them a long time ago - it's who he is (fundamentally), and it's not going to change.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It'd be really convenient if these sexless zombies would just find each other and hook up. They could be great buddies and play checkers, leaving normally functioning humans to enjoy decent sex lives and to give and receive passion. What a pity.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He may also be one who is uncomfortable with displays of affection.
> 
> Could be the reason his first marriage ended early.
> 
> ...


I disagree, I do think it's wrong. MOST people need love and intimacy and this includes some sex. If you cannot learn to give that then you need to be honest and you certainly shouldn't marry someone if you know that. If you suddenly discover it, then you need to find out what has changed and why you no longer feel the need for those things.

It is completely wrong to be cold to your spouse, and not give them the love affection and attention they need to have a good relationship with you. If you are too selfish to do anything about it then don't be surprised if they move on.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

:iagree:


Syrum said:


> I disagree, I do think it's wrong. MOST people need love and intimacy and this includes some sex. If you cannot learn to give that then you need to be honest and you certainly shouldn't marry someone if you know that. If you suddenly discover it, then you need to find out what has changed and why you no longer feel the need for those things.
> 
> It is completely wrong to be cold to your spouse, and not give them the love affection and attention they need to have a good relationship with you. If you are too selfish to do anything about it then don't be surprised if they move on.


Absofrigginlutely!!!

About the most inhumane punishment we give the vilest of criminals is "solitary confinement" and we can only give that on a temporary basis. It is the cruelest of tortures to murder someone's spirit but leave their body intact. It would very honestly be far more humane to physically castrate one's spouse than to expect them to live as an unwilling eunich. If you don't love your dog, give it to someone who will or euthanize it. If you don't love your spouse, fix the problem or leave! Don't find your spouse attractive? I bet others do. A ring and a piece of paper don't give someone the right to dehumanize another or to inflict a life of celibacy, misery and persistent frustration upon them. There are seriously hot portions of hell waiting for some people.


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