# Not really sure what to do



## naptown77 (Jun 16, 2010)

my wife and I have been married for just over 7 years together about 10. We have no children just 2 dogs and a cat. I have been seeking stimulus outside the relationship for the past 3 years or so nothing ever physical really just mental than anything. This past January I slipped up and had a short affair with a friend. I tried to keep it from my wife but she found out and has allowed me and us to go to therapy to get to the bottom of our issues. Oh did I mention that my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and died 5 months later. I love my wife but in the time that I have been looking outside our relationship I have felt as though we were just roommate not a married cpl. WE have a lot in common and I truly enjoy being around her, I am just not sure if I want to be married anymore. I know that marriage is work and both parties need to work at it but I am not sure that my heart is in it. I feel very dishonest telling her that I am trying to work on our relationship when I really dont know if I even want it to continue. The problem I am faced with is that she will cut all contact with me if we separate and I really dont want to lose her as a friend, but at the same time I do not want to be the cause of pain in her life which I know I am.

Any help/advice is welcome.

Thanks


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Please make sure you wear a condom and use double protection anytime you make love to your wife until you figure out what you want to do. Work on your issues, they are far simplier without kids involved. Please trust me in saying that while kids are probably the most wonderful thing you can do in life, they put stress on marriages that are in great shape. Having kids which many couples will do, WILL NOT IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Please listen.

Good luck with whatever path you take.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

naptown77 said:


> The problem I am faced with is that she will cut all contact with me if we separate and I really dont want to lose her as a friend,


This statement speak volumes about your mind set. You are less concerned with your marriage than your future friendship. To recover a marriage after an affair (One that you sought out) requires being all in. I don't see that in any way in your post so you'll likely fail or another affair will occur down the road. Be fair to you both and tell your wife where you are in the relationship. It will save you both a lot of pain.


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## naptown77 (Jun 16, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> This statement speak volumes about your mind set. You are less concerned with your marriage than your future friendship. To recover a marriage after an affair (One that you sought out) requires being all in. I don't see that in any way in your post so* you'll likely fail or another affair will occur down the road*. Be fair to you both and tell your wife where you are in the relationship. It will save you both a lot of pain.


This is my fear and I don't want to continue to cause her pain even if I redeem myself this time.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

In order for any marriage to recover or continue on for that manner communication and honesty must be present. I don't suggest you tell her where you are to end the marriage but to open the proper path to see if recovery is possible. This is also something the therapist needs to know so you all know where you all are in this. But if you really want reconciliation you need to fully commit to your wife, your marriage and to the effort. Otherwise it won't happen. If you can't do that then you owe it to her the be honest.

I've seen many marriages recover from an affair including my own but the commitment must be there.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Seriously, if I were your wife, I'd want to know because this is pretty essential information. You have given counseling 5 months--do you feel you have made no progress, or that you are become more convinced you do not want to stay married? Do you feel you have given it enough time? 

Do not settle for a marriage based on fear of causing her pain or losing her friendship--because you WILL do both when you stray again or realize you cannot keep doing it. In other words, right now you are undecided b/c of potentially negative consequences. Those consequences are GUARANTEED if you cannot rediscover the love you felt for your wife, they are guaranteed if you stay in the marriage only b/c you don't want to be the bad guy. 

So, if you really care about NOT causing her pain/losing her friendship, you will make a full effort to reconnect. It does not sound like you have done that yet--maybe you have. But, if you have NOT, give it a try if you can. Otherwise (if you really know you want out), just get it over with and let the poor woman move on.


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