# Not sure if to stay or leave! Is this divorce material?



## Cindyalexis2021 (Jun 29, 2021)

My husband and I went to a retirement party this Friday. My daughter best friends parents where there also. ( there’s word that they are swingers) We aren’t close at all. We say hi and that’s about it when ever our girls hang out.
Towards the end of the night my husband and I are sitting together at our table and my daughters Friends mom comes over, pulls my husband chair away from table and starts to give him a lap dance, he immediately puts his hands up, looks at me and says wtf? I didn’t react immediately bc I though he would, after a few seconds I looked at him extremely pisst and said to him wtf, shortly after he pushes her off and tells her to come to me. She had been drink n I got her off shortly also! I’m completely sober as I dont drink.

Afterwards I was livid, I couldnt believe he just sat there.

he had also been drinking and said that why didn’t I say something? We left and had a HUGE fight over this. He blamed me for not stopping it and he said he was in shock and wasn’t expecting this to happen.

the next day, now his sober. He apologized for not reacting quicker and-admits he was-at fault and not me for not saying something.

his cleaned the entire house, did laundry, yard work, brought me flowers the works!

I just don’t understand why he didn’t react immediately! He knew it was wrong, bc he said wtf…. So why did he allow this to continue?

I’ve done nothing but cry and throw up bc of how upset I am. I’ve asked him a million time to explain why he didn’t respect me and our marriage and he says he doesn’t know , he was caught completely off guard and was shocked by the whole thing.

I can’t seem to get past this. But I also have ADHD n I OVERTHINK A LOT! So I don’t know if I can trust my emotions and thoughts.

I’d appreciate some input, is this a big deal situation or not? Should I leave? I don’t want to but I also dont know how to get over what happen. Plz help.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I honestly DO think he was in shock -- I'm SURE he didn't expect this woman to give him a lap dance at a RETIREMENT party!

ESPECIALLY since you aren't close with them -- someone taking THAT extreme amount of physical liberties with someone else is a very shocking WTF moment and I'm sure caught him completely by surprise.

Yes he should have stopped this and he did -- but only after the shock to his system let him do that.

As for the friends mother, she is absolutely a POS. I would NEVER trust my daughter to be around this woman without you being there.


----------



## Cindyalexis2021 (Jun 29, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I honestly DO think he was in shock -- I'm SURE he didn't expect this woman to give him a lap dance at a RETIREMENT party!
> 
> ESPECIALLY since you aren't close with them -- someone taking THAT extreme amount of physical liberties with someone else is a very shocking WTF moment and I'm sure caught him completely by surprise.
> 
> ...


Yes! My daughter is definitely NOT going over their house ever again.
We had been warned about that couple, but I never though they would cross that line.

I’m considering leaving him, maybe give him some time to reflect. But I’m not sure if-it’s the right thing to do.His a firefighter and has been in worst situations where he needs to react immediately, so the whole shock thing…. I’m not to sure about.


----------



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Cindyalexis2021 said:


> Yes! My daughter is definitely NOT going over their house ever again.
> We had been warned about that couple, but I never though they would cross that line.
> 
> I’m considering leaving him, maybe give him some time to reflect. But I’m not sure if-it’s the right thing to do.His a firefighter and has been in worst situations where he needs to react immediately, so the whole shock thing…. I’m not to sure about.


I agree with jlg07, your husband was in shock and for this reason he was not able to react. Even if he is trained as a firefighter to react immediately, this time violence is done to him, and the shock kind of numbed his nervous system in a way that he was briefly paralyzed. Something similar happens in the case of sexual assault: the victim is under such a huge shock that they don't react and remain frozen, and people who are not familiar with this lack of reaction assume that the rape or sexual assault victim wanted it or even enjoyed it. NO. They are under shock. It's the nervous system's way of responding to overwhelming shock. Look it up online. It looks like your husband is genuinely shocked and he is trying to prove to you that he regrets accusing you of not intervening. He showed it through actions the next day, and I assume he feels guilty of not having reacted immediately. I don't think you can blame him here. This woman's totally unexpected assault on him left him frozen.


----------



## Cindyalexis2021 (Jun 29, 2021)

coquille said:


> I agree with jlg07, your husband was in shock and for this reason he was not able to react. Even if he is trained as a firefighter to react immediately, this time violence is done to him, and the shock kind of numbed his nervous system in a way that he was briefly paralyzed. Something similar happens in the case of sexual assault: the victim is under such a huge shock that they don't react and remain frozen, and people who are not familiar with this lack of reaction assume that the rape or sexual assault victim wanted it or even enjoyed it. NO. They are under shock. It's the nervous system's way of responding to overwhelming shock. Look it up online. It looks like your husband is genuinely shocked and he is trying to prove to you that he regrets accusing you of not intervening. He showed it through actions the next day, and I assume he feels guilty of not having reacted immediately. I don't think you can blame him here. This woman's totally unexpected assault on him left him frozen.


Wao! Thanks for that perspective. I HONESTLY never though about it this way. But yes you are absolutely correct. Victims do freeze in those types of situations. Thank you for this!


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

If your title is serious (and it seems like is), this is an irrationally massive overreaction. Are you just looking for a justification to end the marriage (or a reason to rationalize it to yourself)?

I have to assume there are serious underlying issues in your marriage for you to be reacting this way.
If not, it’s you who is acting inappropriately at this point (considering divorce because your husband, probably in a bit of shock/disbelief at her unexpectedly inappropriate behavior, did not act quickly enough for your liking).


----------



## Cindyalexis2021 (Jun 29, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> If your title is serious (and it seems like is), this is an irrationally massive overreaction. Are you just looking for a justification to end the marriage (or a reason to rationalize it to yourself)?
> 
> I have to assume there are serious underlying issues in your marriage for you to be reacting this way.
> If not, it’s you who is acting inappropriately at this point (considering divorce because your husband, probably in a bit of shock/disbelief at her unexpectedly inappropriate behavior, did not act quickly enough for your liking).


Thank you! Yes! I tend to WAY OVERREACT at times. It’s part of my ADHD. It’s hard for me to regulate emotions properly. I run the same scenario over n over … it’s extremely exhausting honestly. But it happens in other aspects of my life. I’m recently diagnosed so still trying to learn about it. That’s why I asked on here for other ppls input. To see if my way of thinking was irrational. Thank you for your response


----------



## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I feel very sorry for you and your husband. For you because you had to watch this pathetic creature flaunt herself in front of you and for him because he was put in a terrible position by her.

She may have thought it was just a bit of fun but what she did was sexual assault. Your husband would have been mortified and embarrassed by the whole thing and far more upset by it than I think you realise. I would suggest that, not unreasonably, he did not know how to deal with it straightaway but very quickly recovered the situation.

You would, of course, have been fully entitled to react in the way you have if he had sat there and enjoyed the lap dance, but he didn’t.

I think that your anger is directed at totally the wrong person and that you are taking it out on your husband. In my honest opinion, I think you should thank him for what he did afterwards, saying you recognise he was put in a very bad position and that you recognise both of you were hurt here. I would ask him what he felt about what happened and listen/support him in the way he has supported you.

Okay, so perhaps we come to the far deeper problem of your illness which you are very open about and recognised you have over reacted here. I most sincerely hope that you are getting treatment and support for your condition. I hope this helps you learn and implement coping skills that, at the very least, reduce the impact of your ADHD.

Do you have someone you can talk to when you are feeling like this so that you can check whether you are reacting appropriately because there will be times when you are right? You can always come on here, as many times as you like and, you may have noticed, we are not shy about giving opinions.

Unless this incident is a sign of far greater problems in your marriage, it would be a HUGE mistake to leave your husband. If you do, you must surely recognise that he will be snapped up very quickly and will, no doubt, move on to a happy relationship with someone else. Also, I think if you do not get your emotions under control, there may be a point where he has had enough and he is the one leaving you.

I really do wish the two of you all the best for the future and am confident you will both learn how to deal with your ADHD. All the best for a long and happy married life.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

From what you describe, yes it was shock, he did immediately look to you and put his hands up, and seek help. Everything about his reaction to me indicates he did not like what was happening and took some time to react. His behaviour the next day also shows this.

Divorce-worthy, absolutely not!! Please do speak to him about how you handled your side too.

Think about how it must have felt for him to be jumped on like that in front of everybody, I feel terrible for him! He may really need your support now. If you had a son, maybe you would have felt differently. Go comfort your husband, and talk together about this horrible sex-fiend. Yeah that’s what she is, a man would never get away with this.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s also great that you can see your flaws and accept comments whether they validate you or not! That is not something a lot of people can do. Let this incident draw you together, not apart. Nobody is too proud to say ‘I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did’. So say all of this to him, show him how human you are and he will love you for it. 

I wish you both happiness getting past this.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Basically he was sexually assaulted and just froze. What she did was a total shock to you both and it's easy to look back and think how it should have been handled. Don't let this awful person come between you, and I have to wonder why her husband didn't do something. Her poor children must have been mortified, although if they are swingers it's hardly out of character.


----------



## Elijah220 (Jun 26, 2021)

Cindyalexis2021 said:


> and tells her to come to me. She had been drink n I got her off shortly also! I’m completely sober as I dont drink


I am not sure I am understanding this part. He told her to come to you for what? You say you got her off shortly also, but I am not clear on what that means. Could you please elaborate?


----------



## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

My wife and I would've laughed at this all night. Some drunken woman at a party tried to give your husband an impromptu lap dance. He was obviously shocked and pushes her away. 

And...? That's it? 

My wife probably would've said, "Well, I don't blame her. You are pretty handsome", and then we would have a fun night. Why? Because she knows that I'm a desirable but loyal dude who would never do anything with some drunken floozy at a party. 

In short... wow did you way overreact to this.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

dadstartingover said:


> My wife and I would've laughed at this all night. Some drunken woman at a party tried to give your husband an impromptu lap dance. He was obviously shocked and pushes her away.
> 
> And...? That's it?
> 
> ...


I think it would make me question the people we were mixing with.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

dadstartingover said:


> My wife and I would've laughed at this all night. Some drunken woman at a party tried to give your husband an impromptu lap dance. He was obviously shocked and pushes her away.
> 
> And...? That's it?
> 
> ...


I think it would make me question the people we were mixing with.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cindyalexis2021 said:


> My husband and I went to a retirement party this Friday. My daughter best friends parents where there also. ( there’s word that they are swingers) We aren’t close at all. We say hi and that’s about it when ever our girls hang out.
> Towards the end of the night my husband and I are sitting together at our table and my daughters Friends mom comes over, pulls my husband chair away from table and starts to give him a lap dance, he immediately puts his hands up, looks at me and says wtf? I didn’t react immediately bc I though he would, after a few seconds I looked at him extremely pisst and said to him wtf, shortly after he pushes her off and tells her to come to me. She had been drink n I got her off shortly also! I’m completely sober as I dont drink.
> 
> Afterwards I was livid, I couldnt believe he just sat there.
> ...


I have a story (very similar to what happened to your husband). That I think might help.

he was in shock, probably kind of liked it a little (who doesn’t like attention like that, ego boost, etc.). Cut the man some slack. I really think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I was totally in love with a woman.... adored her, when a neighbor of hers got drunk and sat in my lap and was running her hands over my head. Wound up kissing me and offering herself to me and my fiancée. Tried to go down on my fiancée twice before she finally said enough and took her home.

my fiancée was the most jealous woman I’ve ever met. I asked her why she didn’t do something... we were both in shock.....


----------



## Cindyalexis2021 (Jun 29, 2021)

Elijah220 said:


> I am not sure I am understanding this part. He told her to come to you for what? You say you got her off shortly also, but I am not clear on what that means. Could you please elaborate?


I’m assuming he didnt know how to get her off so he pushed her away and said go dance on my wife. When she came to me I told her your husbands right there to try n get her off me and she replied with my husband doesn’t care, he isn’t even paying attention.


----------



## Elijah220 (Jun 26, 2021)

Cindyalexis2021 said:


> I’m assuming he didnt know how to get her off so he pushed her away and said go dance on my wife. When she came to me I told her your husbands right there to try n get her off me and she replied with my husband doesn’t care, he isn’t even paying attention.


Up until now I agreed with everyone else’s response/advice. But with this info I am second guessing. If he were so shocked and uncomfortable with this, why would he want to push her off on you and subject you to the same feelings?

I know both my wife and I would be in shock if this happened to either one of us, but even if we didn’t know how to handle the awkward situation, it would never even occur to me to send the woman to my wife or my wife to send a man or woman to me.

The fact that he did this, first tried to shift blame to you, and did so much (clean the house, bought flowers, etc), to apologise makes me wonder if he wasn’t truly trying to test boundaries and see if you were up for it. Once he realised you were not only against the idea but upset with him for it he tried to blame you. When that didn’t work he blamed the woman and went into full blown “fix it” mode.

If everyone here feels this was sexual assault against your husband, then to be fair this was sexual assault against you as well since she did it to you too. The only difference is your husband is the one responsible for sending this woman your way. You were not responsible for sending the woman his.

So I feel you are justified in being upset. Bear in mind this is simply my opinion based on what you have written here. You know your husband and marriage far better than any of us.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cindyalexis2021 said:


> I’m assuming he didnt know how to get her off so he pushed her away and said go dance on my wife. When she came to me I told her your husbands right there to try n get her off me and she replied with my husband doesn’t care, he isn’t even paying attention.


I would let this one go. I might even apologize. Something along the line of, "I'm sorry for over reacting, but I hope you agree that what she did was completely inappropriate and don't stand for that ever again." Covers both ends of the incident. Also, I can imagine doing something similar to what he did to get her away. I'm sure he didn't want to cause a scene and just push her to the floor. 

As others have said, I think he was just so shocked by the situation he didn't know what to do. The fact that he threw his hands up and looked at you says a lot. I suspect the the look was one of "please help me!" I've been in a similar situation. My wife and I have a friend that is very open and liberal about sexuality. She's the type that will nude sunbathe in her yard and won't hesitate to then answer the door nude. Which is why we never would show up unannounced at her house. Give her some alcohol and all bets are off. She loves to dance when she gets drunk and there was a party where she started "dirty dancing" and grinding herself on me. My initial reaction was similar to your husband's. My brain couldn't process what the hell was going on in that moment, dulled by a couple drinks. I don't think she had any interest in sex with me, but it was still inappropriate. And my wife was the one that got her to stop. She didn't get pissed. She actually said, hey, why don't you dance with me instead. That diffused the situation and it was basically over almost as soon as it started. That didn't end the friendship, but we don't hang out with her anymore like we used to. 

So again, this is not a big deal based on what you have described. I think your husband behaved as well as he could under the circumstances.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

How many seconds did this go on for... please provide a timeline....


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Holding hands up...first thing i thought was he has to put his hands somewhere, if she was dancing and facing away good chance is his hands may end up on her ass, she may have liked that....if she was faci g him they may have ended up on her chest.....either way he did not want to seem to be groping her so he lioked to you as in "Get this woman off me!" 

Just my thoughts.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Holding hands up...first thing i thought was he has to put his hands somewhere, if she was dancing and facing away good chance is his hands may end up on her ass, she may have liked that....if she was faci g him they may have ended up on her chest.....either way he did not want to seem to be groping her so he lioked to you as in "Get this woman off me!"
> 
> Just my thoughts.


At tge same time, my mom raised me to not hit a woman...unless she puts herself in a mans shoes. This situatuin i personally would have no issue putting my hands on her....she would have ended up in the middle of the floor. On her ass or on her face...depended on which way she was doing the lap dance. 

But i can see how hubby would not have reacted if it was drummed in to his head growing up to not be physical to a female(even though she was the aggressor).


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, you say you overreact and this is a clear example. Surely, you are not going to divorce your husband for this? The woman was drunk and your husband embarrassed.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cindyalexis2021 said:


> daughters Friends mom comes over, pulls my husband chair away from table and starts to give him a lap dance,


She didn't pull his chair out without his assistance. Think about it. This was planned.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> She didn't pull his chair out without his assistance. Think about it. This was planned.


And... how do you know this??? are you privy to some info we don't have??


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> And... how do you know this??? are you privy to some info we don't have??


Have you ever tried to pull a chair out with a man seated in it?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you ever tried to pull a chair out with a man seated in it?


Actually in our dining room this would be easy. A hardwood floor with chairs that have glides on them. My wife could push a 300lb man around in one of them. Also, ever seen wheels on a chair?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No not divorce worthy!!!! Itsounds like it was an unwelcomed thing. You said he immediately looked at you and said wtf.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you ever tried to pull a chair out with a man seated in it?


You are pretty wily sometimes Blondilocks..... but his reaction wasn’t what I’d expect for a planned thing. Maybe he’s a little fellow?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are pretty wily sometimes Blondilocks..... but his reaction wasn’t what I’d expect for a planned thing. Maybe he’s a little fellow?


He was in such a state of shock that he immediately thought it would be a good idea for his wife to get a lap dance,too? Bullcrap. Just WTF is going on with these stupid excuses.



BigDaddyNY said:


> Actually in our dining room this would be easy. A hardwood floor with chairs that have glides on them. My wife could push a 300lb man around in one of them. Also, ever seen wheels on a chair?


I'm so happy for your wife. Try it out and let me know what your floor looks like afterwards.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I reread. I can see pulling the chair out, it it is odd that he sent her to his wife vs her own husband.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm so happy for your wife. Try it out and let me know what your floor looks like afterwards.


Done it. I'm 6'2" and about 225. My wife (5'4" and 125lbs) has pulled me out, turned me around and straddled me, more than one. The floor is just fine.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you ever tried to pull a chair out with a man seated in it?


depending on the type of floor, chair legs' coasters it can be done very easily. even on a carpeted floor.


----------



## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Normally have a lot of time for your opinions Blondilocks but I do think you have got it wrong on this one.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Harold Demure said:


> *Normally have a lot of time for your opinions Blondilocks* but I do think you have got it wrong on this one.


LOL. Excuse me, I have to go to the little girl's room and have a good cry.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Cindyalexis2021 said:


> Towards the end of the night my husband and I are sitting together at our table and my daughters Friends mom comes over, pulls my husband chair away from table and starts to give him a lap dance, he immediately puts his hands up, looks at me and says wtf? I


I would believe the wife's version over this:



Blondilocks said:


> She didn't pull his chair out without his assistance. Think about it. This was planned.


Paranoia or projecting.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I AM SORRY but the talking of divorce because some drunk woman comes over to your table and makes a fool of her self and uses you poor husband to do so , is going a bit far , you go no in another post to say "I’m considering leaving him, maybe give him some time to reflect. "
this might be a good thing for him he might just see how over the top you go 
I can't help but feel sorry for him , 
your girl is what age , 
you don't need me to tell you this others have said it , 

Swinger don't act like this woman , 
SWINGERS are a lot more careful of their rep than this foolish woman she might be in some type open marrage or might be even a swinger but it is not normal for a swinger to push themself on another couple at a event which has nothing to do with swinging ,

NOT knowing the age of you girl AND THE TYPE OF PEOPLE THESE ARE on normal days , I would talk to her and ask her if she ever noticed any of this type thing when over at the house , 
it is one thing to over react with your husband but if you over react with your girl you could push her away ,
and her friend might be totally not like her mother in the same way your daughter might not be like you 
sometimes you just have to trust your children and keep an eye on them from a far ,


----------



## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

I don't know if anyone else has said this yet but I'm going to give my perspective on it. You are being irrational in considering a divorce unless you have had other serious issues or relatable issues of infidelity. If has never cheated before, why would he be so okay with you watching him get a lap dance? He immediately threw his hands up to show he was not touching her, she as touching him. Should he have pushed her off right away? You bet your behind he should have. However, he was drunk. He was in shock. He didn't quite know how to react. Yes, he is a trained firefighter but two things, 1: He isn't drunk when he is fighting fires and showing quick reaction time and 2: Even the most highly trained firefighters get hurt not reacting quickly enough. If this is your only marital issue, and I was him, I would help you pack your bags.


----------

