# Division of Chores - SAHMs...



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Just wondering how SAHPs and their working spouses divide household chores...

In my situation, I am a new parent and have a hard time staying on top of everything, but I try. I am 100% responsible for our 5 month old's every need, day and night, except 8 hours one night a week when hubby gets up with baby overnight. All other days and nights, I take care of her feedings, baths, diapers, entertainment, etc. It is exhausting! I think I've been adjusting okay, though. 

I do all of the sweeping, mopping, laundry, dishes, organizing of the house and yard, and upkeep (baths, brushing, cleaning up after) for our three dogs. (Except half of the time my husband feeds them and the other half I feed them).

I don't want to blame my spondylosis or other chronic pain conditions for my inability to keep up, but I do have about three appointments weekly that I keep for therapies and such. It has been very difficult for me to find enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done.

The most discouraging thing is that my husband will actively COMPLAIN about messes, even AS I AM CLEANING. Furthermore, it is like pulling teeth to try and ask for his help. (He does work 5 days a week - 35 hours a week and help with dinners about half the week, myself cooking the other half... And occasionally we prepare dinner together).

I know he is tired after work, but when he comes home he usually isn't too interested in watching the baby (sufficiently) while I clean downstairs. I get frustrated hearing her cry on the baby monitor for minutes at a time, only to go upstairs and find him on the porch looking on his cell-phone or reading a book and ignoring her. Even still, he will call or text me every few minutes asking ridiculous questions... Where are the gas-drops? How much to feed her? Etc. He seems inept, at best, in her care and I often must provide support while he watches her. I even went so far as to super-organize her stuff so he can find what he needs easily, but he still acts clueless. He probably just doesn't do it often enough to remember? 

Am I just being a baby myself? Do others have arrangements where the working spouse also helps with the chores and whatnot? My husband really would like for me to get a part-time job in the near-future and contribute financially, but A.) I think I would have to work full-time to offset the expenses of working and childcare, and B.) I think I would struggle even more to keep up with everything.

Any ideas or suggestions? Feel free to be blunt... As my mom told me earlier... She raised 4 kids (I helped, since I am the oldest) and worked two jobs at one point. I'm feeling sort of like a wimp by comparison... LoL!!

Just looking for some perspective. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I guess it just depends on how old the kids are, and who really cares about what is done. 

When my girls were babies, I cooked maybe twice a week, did laundry annually, and did a whole house cleaning. 

They are in school and my oldest is 16 so they can clean their own mess. 

But I don't wash dishes or take out trash. I used to. 

My husband dosent care if the apt is spotless. I don't do a lot of cleaning everyday. Maybe in a week I will wash out clothes (in the sink), vacuum, I shampoo carpets very 2 months, I wash walls, I cook maybe 4 days out of the week, taking clothes to the laundromat is still bi-monthly, I hang up the clothes, we are lazy and we have 2 piles of clothes on the floor, and if we get tired of looking at it, it gets shoved into the closet. 

I personally used to clean the toilet and sink everyday, but no I make one of the kids do it. We have to run the vacuum twice a day. I dust once a week some times every every 2 weeks. 

If we are not home a lot, it's a tornado zone. The microwave gets cleaned whenever it's too gross to touch. I don't use it a lot, so I never notice. I wash blinds and curtains twice a year. I used to clean the fridge every week. Now I make someone else. 

I'm not wonder woman. I don't pretend to be. When the kids were small I cleaned more since they were home all day. Usually now I'm the only one home during the day. I used to super clean the stove once a month, but no one else cares to clean it in between so I gave up. 

I won't cook until the kitchen is cleaned. If I went to the store, stood in line at the store, carried it all in, and I'm cooking...I won't clean up. I did the hard part. ESP if I went on the bus. 

But that's just me. I clean a few things a day. I clean up after 3 adults and 4 kids. So sometimes I just don't give a fvck. If the people who spend the majority of time inside don't care, then I simply can not care. 

But Sundays are my b!tching days. Everybody cleans or I can stand next to you and yell for 10 hours. I'm dead serious. 10 hours. That dosent happen to often. Most learned their lesson, and they clean as they go. 

But again. That's just me. My kids are older and can clean up. I think our first apt I would clean anywhere from 5-8 hours a day. That got old real fast. We have smaller apts, so it's always more to clean. I hate clutter and dust and finger prints. But with that's unrealistic with 7 people. 

Some days I just have to turn a blind eye to a mess just for my sanity. Does anybody remember that Simpsons episode where CPS was called on them??? Well, I came home to that mess and walked right out again. 

I yelled later. But nobody cared. I cleaned it. But I made it known, never again. I was a tyrant for a good while after that.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I think your situation is all too common Yin. 

From what I have seen, women do the lion's share of childrearing and housework.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks for your responses, Panda and FYD. I can definitely relate to being irritated if no one else helps. I get frustrated with my husband for complaining when he's not willing to help. It especially hurts when he complains WHILE I'm cleaning... He also does things like take dishes upstairs and doesn't take them downstairs to clean. On the rare occasion that he does, he will put the dirty dishes in a cupboard so the dogs won't pull them out of the sink, instead of just washing them and putting them away. He also leaves all kinds of mess on the countertops, mostly from his juicer (spews juice and pulp everywhere) and he doesn't bother to wipe it down. He also doesn't clean the juicer often, so it attract gnats, and that drives me insane!!!

Speaking of shopping... If I don't do it, it just doesn't get done. Sending him to the store means he will bring back a bare minimum of supplies, even if I write out a list for him. It's hard to keep more than a few days' worth of food and toiletries in the house. When I go, I prefer to stock up and get as much as I can from the trip...

We take our recyclables to the bins about once a month - it's something we do together (gathering and loading them up). Before the car is even half-filled he always wants to stop me from putting more in, and he usually gets his way, so there are always some bags of plastics, bottles and papers left behind. It's a pet peeve of mine... If we're making the trip, why not take everything? 

He makes me feel like, that because he earns the paycheck, he shouldn't have to lift a finger... And for the *most* part, I agree... But when you factor in that he also wants me to get a job, and I also have to clean up after him, it's getting to be a real problem.

Tonight was his night to make dinner. He literally microwaved two soy sausages and sprinkled them with cheese and that was dinner... This is typical - when he does "cook" it's usually very meager and simpistic, whereas I usually like to cook (and eat) a more complete meal. Maybe I am just griping too much... LoL!

I also don't think he realizes how demanding an infant is. She doesn't nap during the day. She's up from about 5am to 10pm every.single.day. Oh my gosh and she has a fit if I leave her sight... LoL! He obviously has difficulty watching her for short spans of time, but can't seem to realize why I can't do more around the house... 

It will be nice when she's old enough to help out. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He acts helpless with your child because then he is not held responsible for taking care of her. 

Remends me of making coffee at work. When I first started working as an engineer I was usually the only female engineer in at meetings, etc. Any other woman there was a secretary or clerk. 

The male engineers, knowing full well that I was also an engineer, would expect me to make the coffee.

I felt that telling them to stuff it was not a good idea and going into a feminist rant would not we wise either. So I cheerfully made the coffee.... I put about twice as much grains in the maker as needed. When they all started spitting out coffee (well it helped to be a very cute blond) I just batted by baby blues, asked them if there was something wrong. Then said in dispair... oh, I don't drink coffee. My husband makes his own so I guess I just dont' know how to do it.

Well the word got around quickly don't ask Ele to make coffee.. she makes terrible coffee. Never had to make it again. (And no, none of the male engineers ever made coffee in those days.)

This is what your husband is doing... he's building his reputation as a befuddled man around babies. Great game. It works because women buy into the stereo type.

Start training him.. leave your baby with him about every other night even if it's for a short while. Go for a walk around the block, make a quick run to the store. Make him have to take care of her without you around... start with short periods of time.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok my spouse is a walking garbage can... he admits it lol and with my ocd... I was fine when it was our daughter and I for awhile. However when he moved in with me I became completely overwhelmed with the mess! Garbage everywhere.. tripping over his damn shoes... empty cig packs on the floor... cans half full scattered everywhere and some knocked over. 


Well about five years later, a role switch with me working and he staying home.. and still me comming home to a mess... i had a few meltdowns, freaked out, told him to leave then tried leaving myself.... now however he helps with the kids by changing diapers and making them food when he is home and they are still up. He does dishes and takes out garbage... he does these things a lot more now after reading the 5LL book.

His hours vary anywhere from 40 to 70 hours a week. With three kids and a trash maker I still manage to run behind everyone cleaning up.. however if I feel in a funk or to worn out gate does pick up more slack. I'm not gonna lie... its tiring as hell trying to keep everything not just spotless.... but in order. I do have the toddlers clean up a bit of their mess on occassion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Working 35 hours a week is not really full time. Where I work we are required do work 45 hours a week.. that's our full time. And usually I work 50-60 hours. 

The rule I go by is that both spouses work full time..if one is a SAHM they do the same number of hours in the house and with the child as the other spouse does at work. 

Then after they both work a full day.. that 35 hours for each of you.. they both pitch in at home to finish what is left over and to take care of children.

With the things I've read about your husband you might be best off going back to work full time. This way you can grow a career so you can depend on that. Use your money to pay for child care and hire someone to help clean the house. This way you can relax more after work. 

Learn to use a **** pot for dinners on work nights... even now.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Dear Yin Princess, My husband goes to school like 20 hours a week and he wouldn't help last year. Our baby was just born. We almost got divorced. He didn't make enough to support us and was vicious to me about spending money, too. He used to sit and play video games while he watched me clean until 10pm and then nurse the baby every two hours. He turned into a terrible person when the baby arrived. Kept saying that he didn't want to be a dad, etc. mind you this was AFTER our son was born. So, I made him see a shrink- turns out he's depressed and got on meds. Much, much better so far this year. He still needs help with our son. If he bathes him, etc, he will call for me to come help. I still haven't got but a few hours without the baby to myself in 14 months. It's not healthy, so I am thinking about putting him in daycare/babysitter for a day a week. Maybe half a day at first. It will give me time to breathe. 
He has been doing alot more of the house/child care. Since he only works/college part-time. I hope that it gets better for you. You might like working a couple days a week even if you just break even.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Working 35 hours a week is not really full time. Where I work we are required do work 45 hours a week.. that's our full time. And usually I work 50-60 hours.
> 
> The rule I go by is that both spouses work full time..if one is a SAHM they do the same number of hours in the house and with the child as the other spouse does at work.
> 
> ...


I was thinking similarly about the 35 hours. He doesn't sound 'engaged' in the experience. We don't have children but our full time is 45 hours too. Typically we get home around 6.30pm. We share duties between us....making dinner (although he's more the chef so that leans more to him), cleaning up after, walking the dogs in the morning and evening. I've started doing laundry Thursday or Friday night as well as Saturday to get through it and so I don't feel like the bulk of our weekend has been laundry. Sunday I'm ironing work shirts for the week ahead. Hubs cleans the bathroom once a week. I change the bed sheets once a week (part of laundry duties on the weekend), vacuum and mop. With making dinner, we tend to make extra so it becomes our lunch for the next day too. We don't have a crock pot but that is a great idea. 

I think what I'm trying to say is, after 35 hours working, there's still energy to get things done - because they have to be. I don't feel qualified to mention division of chores between you, that's for you both to decide, but I'd be expecting him to be engaged and wanting to learn how to care for his daughter.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> He makes me feel like, that because he earns the paycheck, he shouldn't have to lift a finger... And for the *most* part, I agree... But when you factor in that he also wants me to get a job, and I also have to clean up after him, it's getting to be a real problem.


Regardless of one's opinion about this...the paycheck versus the chores scenario, that doesn't excuse someone to be lazy. Leaving dishes upstairs and not cleaning after himself isn't part of that. Not cool. He wants you to get a job - is he stressed about finances and maybe being passive aggressive? Was he like this with chores before your beautiful daughter came along?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds like your husband doesn't think that he has any responsibility for the house or for day-to-day parenting. Oh, he'll (somewhat incompetantly) "help you out" with "your" responsibilities, but if you insist on his help or ask him to help when he'd rather be doing something else, then he gets resentful about having to "do _your_ job" for you. My guess is that either this is the dynamic he grew up observing with his parents, or he's just being an @ss. If it's the former, then it may actually not have occurred to him that he might have any responsibility for these things beyond helpfully pointing out when you're doing it wrong or aren't up to his standards. If it's the latter, then he knows he has some responsibility but is deliberately shirking it because he's passive-agressive or just plain lazy. 

I would imagine his view of who is responsible for what will not change when you also have a job outside the home, and you'll still be 100% on the hook for all housework and childcare. Therefore, you might want to have a very frank discussion about these issues _before_ you start working.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> As my mom told me earlier... She raised 4 kids (I helped, since I am the oldest) and worked two jobs at one point. I'm feeling sort of like a wimp by comparison... LoL!!


Let me guess she also walked to school every day when she was a kid, barefoot, in the snow, UPHILL both ways....It's amazing how older people's stories get worse as the years go on and I for one don't believe most of it. In your case you probably did more to help your mom than you remember.

Like you I have some issues that cause me to not be able to handle as much as others can. But even if I didn't parenting is a 50/50 job. As a homemaker I try hard to do all the housework but my hubby still pitches in when he gets home. We work as a team with both the kids and say getting dinner ready or cleaning up afterwards.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> Regardless of one's opinion about this...the paycheck versus the chores scenario, that doesn't excuse someone to be lazy. Leaving dishes upstairs and not cleaning after himself isn't part of that. Not cool. He wants you to get a job - is he stressed about finances and maybe being passive aggressive? Was he like this with chores before your beautiful daughter came along?


Definitely stressed about finances and seems to think I am not concerned about it... Even though I've been actively selling off my collectibles to help contribute. I also make and attend all necessary appointments we need to get assistance with utilities, food benefits, housing benefits (have been on the waiting list for almost a year now...), I also am in the WIC program which is nearly 100% responsible for feeding our daughter. All of this takes up a LOT of time, and being that I don't have a registered vehicle to use, getting rides to and from these appointments is also costly for my family. I think he undermines my contributions, if he even acknowledges them at all. 

As for chores and housekeeping - I will admit this: I knew he sucked at being tidy and organized long before we started dating. During our "friend years" I would go over to his apartment and there would be debris, disorganization, dirty dishes, etc. I'd even joke then, that he needed a girlfriend to come over and pick up after him. (I know, slap me now for complaining, lol).

After we married and he moved in with me, he was active in some chores, and this decreased immensely once I had the baby. As of now, he does very little around the house, and what he does do, I have to nag him to do. I hate that. I don't want to be one of those wives, but I could use the help! He seems to not take ANY initiative whatsoever. If he sees that things are messy or dirty or the baby needs a diaper... He must be TOLD what needs to be done. :sigh: Like I said, though, I knew he wasn't the greatest at it to begin with. I guess I figured he would grow out of the bachelor laziness... A mistake on my part for assuming so... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Wow, these Husbands are some real pieces of work, assuming working husband and SAHM. Here's how it SHOULD go in my opinion.

Husband starts day going to work. Wife starts day when baby wakes up. If they can squeeze in a cup of coffee or some breakfast together (husband and wife) great just to keep the connection going.

Husband works during the day. Wife handles baby and other chores. No 4 hour facebook marathons. She needs to be good about her time and get as much done during the day as she can (just like her husband has to at work).

When husband gets home, whatever is left to accomplish is divided EXACTLY 50/50 from that point forward. The husband and wife need to alternate nights of waking up with the baby. They need to alternate chores (whether it be division of chores, like he does garbage, outside, bathrooms and she does dishes, cooking kitchen etc. or alternating effort, she did dishes last night so tonight its on him). 

The entire key to this is the wife has to be productive during the day. If the husband goes to work and comes home and all that's happened during the day is the baby has been taken care of but the house is a bigger mess, then resentment will build from him. BUT if the husband recognizes his wife has been productive than he needs to make sure he does his EQUAL share or resentment will build from her.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Rowan said:


> It sounds like your husband doesn't think that he has any responsibility for the house or for day-to-day parenting. Oh, he'll (somewhat incompetantly) "help you out" with "your" responsibilities, but if you insist on his help or ask him to help when he'd rather be doing something else, then he gets resentful about having to "do _your_ job" for you. My guess is that either this is the dynamic he grew up observing with his parents, or he's just being an @ss. If it's the former, then it may actually not have occurred to him that he might have any responsibility for these things beyond helpfully pointing out when you're doing it wrong or aren't up to his standards. If it's the latter, then he knows he has some responsibility but is deliberately shirking it because he's passive-agressive or just plain lazy.
> 
> I would imagine his view of who is responsible for what will not change when you also have a job outside the home, and you'll still be 100% on the hook for all housework and childcare. Therefore, you might want to have a very frank discussion about these issues _before_ you start working.


I think THIS is what most accurately describes the way he tends to act regarding these issues... That he has no responsibility to the housework because he pays the bills. Very articulate post, thank you.  I will be discussing these things with him before I get a job... I don't think I can manage it all on my own...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Regardless of one's opinion about this...the paycheck versus the chores scenario, that doesn't excuse someone to be lazy. Leaving dishes upstairs and not cleaning after himself isn't part of that. Not cool. He wants you to get a job - is he stressed about finances and maybe being passive aggressive? Was he like this with chores before your beautiful daughter came along?


Totally unacceptable on his part. Ask him how much does he think it would cost out of his paycheck to hire the following list of "employees" a 24 hour a day Nanny who gets ZERO vacation days or time off, a house keeper, a landscaper, a laundry service, a personal chef and a prostitute (not calling you a prostitute, just finding the professions that meet the services a SAHM does for her husband). I'm sure his little 35 hour a week paycheck would be dried up before he got to the laundry service....

Seriously. Next time he demeans what YOU contribute to the household. Tell him you're going on strike until he comes back with estimates for all those services (except the prostitute LOL) because he obviously has ZERO clue what your value is.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Let me guess she also walked to school every day when she was a kid, barefoot, in the snow, UPHILL both ways....It's amazing how older people's stories get worse as the years go on and I for one don't believe most of it. In your case you probably did more to help your mom than you remember.
> 
> Like you I have some issues that cause me to not be able to handle as much as others can. But even if I didn't parenting is a 50/50 job. As a homemaker I try hard to do all the housework but my hubby still pitches in when he gets home. We work as a team with both the kids and say getting dinner ready or cleaning up afterwards.


This made me laugh... That's my mom alright! She did work hard to provide for us kiddos after my parents divorced, but from the age of 12 onto about 16-17, I did a lot of the care for my younger siblings... Baths, homework, meals, walking them to and from bus-stops, "baby-sitting" them while she worked, (and she was always gone), housework, etc. I had a really difficult time then, and I resented her immensely, for the toll it took on my freedom and space. I stopped feeling like a daughter at one point, and more like a nanny. It had to be done, though, and now when I look back, I am glad that I was able to help her. She was a mess after my dad left and I remember trying to distract the little ones at night when I'd hear her crying in the bathtub.  It was hard on all of us then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

When my husband was working AND going to school, he still managed to help around the house on his days off. My husband would have to be at work at 7am and work until 1:30 or 2pm. Then, he went from work, straight to school...and was there until 8:30pm. He did this 5 days a week. And he still took the trash out when needed, vacuumed some days, helped with laundry...mostly his though. Now, this was when our oldest was about 5 years old. Before that, he was working 32-40 hours each week and he helped with all of the above AND he was cooking about 1/4 of the meals. I never MADE him do that...it was something he wanted to do. He got an idea in his head for a recipe and decided to try it. But when each of the kids were babies, he picked up more of the slack in the housework because he saw that the babies required more attention, which couldn't be devoted to cleaning. Or, when I was cleaning, he took care of the kids. But he has always been pretty involved in the childcare and housework, no matter how busy his schedule was.

Now, if it were me.... if my husband was leaving a mess all over, I'd leave it for HIM to pick up...assuming it won't hurt the baby, that is. If it WILL hurt her...ooooo I'd lay into him about it. But that's me lol.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Wow, these Husbands are some real pieces of work, assuming working husband and SAHM. Here's how it SHOULD go in my opinion.
> 
> Husband starts day going to work. Wife starts day when baby wakes up. If they can squeeze in a cup of coffee or some breakfast together (husband and wife) great just to keep the connection going.
> 
> ...


I agree with you 100% but I have to admit that the majority of the housework usually doesn't get done until after he gets home. We live in a two story house and because of the way the staircases are designed (coupled with my back problems), I simply refuse to even attempt to carry my baby downstairs because of the risk of dropping her. I am not even supposed to be picking her up without a back support brace, but we cannot afford one at this time.

If/when the kiddo does take a nap I do sneak downstairs to do some damage control/catch-up, but most of what I do during the day is look after the baby. I'm not sure if she's clingy or what, but she constantly seems to need me to be engaging her. I love it, but it's also very draining... 

When my husband gets home from work is usually when I want to go clean and get ready for the night, but his inability to keep the baby from crying is frustrating for me. It breaks my heart whenever I go upstairs to see that he's simply placed her in the swing and sat on the porch to cruise the internet on his phone. :/

And by the way, my day starts at about 5am each morning, usually after minimal sleep, and lasts until midnight. But this is all temporary, right? LoL! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Definitely stressed about finances and seems to think I am not concerned about it... Even though I've been actively selling off my collectibles to help contribute. I also make and attend all necessary appointments we need to get assistance with utilities, food benefits, housing benefits (have been on the waiting list for almost a year now...), I also am in the WIC program which is nearly 100% responsible for feeding our daughter. All of this takes up a LOT of time, and being that I don't have a registered vehicle to use, getting rides to and from these appointments is also costly for my family. I think he undermines my contributions, if he even acknowledges them at all.
> 
> As for chores and housekeeping - I will admit this: I knew he sucked at being tidy and organized long before we started dating. During our "friend years" I would go over to his apartment and there would be debris, disorganization, dirty dishes, etc. I'd even joke then, that he needed a girlfriend to come over and pick up after him. (I know, slap me now for complaining, lol).
> 
> ...


I'm sorry I'm going to be unduly harsh but I'm sick of these BOYS who think being able to stick your "manhood" (such an improper term) into a woman, create a child and being able to put a ring on her finger MAKES YOU A MAN! They're still BOYS and your husband is to.

A TRUE MAN and TRUE FATHER takes care of his family. He is the rock and foundation of the household. A Father and Husband puts his childrens' needs as first priority, then his wife's THEN his. He's the net for the acrobats (kids) to allow them to fly but catch them if they fall. Hes the soil and water that allows his wife to take root and blossom. THAT is a TRUE MAN!!

Sorry this is one of my hot buttons.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Totally unacceptable on his part. Ask him how much does he think it would cost out of his paycheck to hire the following list of "employees" a 24 hour a day Nanny who gets ZERO vacation days or time off, a house keeper, a landscaper, a laundry service, a personal chef and a prostitute (not calling you a prostitute, just finding the professions that meet the services a SAHM does for her husband). I'm sure his little 35 hour a week paycheck would be dried up before he got to the laundry service....
> 
> Seriously. Next time he demeans what YOU contribute to the household. Tell him you're going on strike until he comes back with estimates for all those services (except the prostitute LOL) because he obviously has ZERO clue what your value is.


Good analogies. He often claims that he is tired when he gets off of work, (hell, I am tired before he even gets UP for work!) and I've always assumed this was why he wasn't helping as much. The thing that hurt me was when he'd complain about things that needed to be done, and then go read a book or give me attitude about watching the baby. Trust me, I understand his need for space and time to wind down, (I give him about an hour after he gets off to do nothing at all), but it never seems like I get the same courtesy. It makes me feel bad. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I agree with you 100% but I have to admit that the majority of the housework usually doesn't get done until after he gets home. We live in a two story house and because of the way the staircases are designed (coupled with my back problems), I simply refuse to even attempt to carry my baby downstairs because of the risk of dropping her. I am not even supposed to be picking her up without a back support brace, but we cannot afford one at this time.
> 
> If/when the kiddo does take a nap I do sneak downstairs to do some damage control/catch-up, but most of what I do during the day is look after the baby. I'm not sure if she's clingy or what, but she constantly seems to need me to be engaging her. I love it, but it's also very draining...
> 
> ...


Bare in mind, my example is a "normal" household without extenuating circumstances. Your health is a BIG extenuating circumstance that requires your husband to be more understanding so no worries about any judgement against you. You're doing more with less and your husband should be MORE appreciative.

He should also GET OFF HIS BUTT and play with his child. She doesn't see him all day and then he ignores her? He needs to FATHER-UP!! (figured there's a man-up mentality, there should be a father-up :smthumbup


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> "baby-sitting" them while she worked, (and *she was always gone*)


So tell your mom to put a sock in it. Don't let her voice in your head or in real life make you feel guilty.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

He will play with her sometimes for a few minutes or so, and he's really sweet with her, but I think his batteries drain a lot faster than mine. He will be looking into getting a possible diagnosis for his "schizoid" disorder - which makes him very uninterested in dealing with other people. In a way, he is at a disadvantage as well... But he will be attending individual therapy starting next month for help with this.

It's just the common sense stuff that irks me... Washing only the plate and fork you need, instead of the sinkful while you're there... It's all very half-assed and I guess I am the sort of person who just likes to get things done and over with.

I'd also like to mention that parenthood was something neither of us wanted when we got married... But she was meant to be here for some reason!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> So tell your mom to put a sock in it. Don't let her voice in your head or in real life make you feel guilty.


My mom is incredibly regressed and has a severe problem "re-writing" history... I have to keep this in mind at all times, and I try to keep my mouth shut so I won't hurt her feelings. She probably doesn't remember all the nights she went out to clubs with her friends while I babysat my siblings and her friend's kids. They paid me sometimes, so it was alright then... But now when she talks about that point and time she seems to have forgotten all the details and just skips to, "I had four of you and I worked two jobs for awhile." Her income wasn't even *that* crucial then, because my father was paying royally for child and spousal support, even though I know he gave her a hard time about it.

Ah well, it's all old news now... But some of that may have influenced me to think I need to take 100% responsibility for 3 people. Come to think of it, my father never lifted a finger around the house when he was home, either. Hmmm...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> Ah well, it's all old news now... But some of that may have influenced me to think I need to take 100% responsibility for 3 people. Come to think of it, my father never lifted a finger around the house when he was home, either. Hmmm...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that was then and this is now. If your husband needs to understand that he has child care responsibilities. If he can find or hire someone else to do his part, more power to him. But absent that he is responsible for the baby for at least 8.5 of the 17 hours per day he is not working.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Totally unacceptable on his part. Ask him how much does he think it would cost out of his paycheck to hire the following list of "employees" a 24 hour a day Nanny who gets ZERO vacation days or time off, a house keeper, a landscaper, a laundry service, a personal chef and a prostitute (not calling you a prostitute, just finding the professions that meet the services a SAHM does for her husband). I'm sure his little 35 hour a week paycheck would be dried up before he got to the laundry service.... Seriously. Next time he demeans what YOU contribute to the household. Tell him you're going on strike until he comes back with estimates for all those services (except the prostitute LOL) because he obviously has ZERO clue what your value is.


There are 8,736 hours in a non-leap year. AT $10 per hour for 24/7 on-call, it's $87,360. At $15/hr, $131,040.

That does not count paying Social Security, Medicare, etc. It's also very hard to find a competent care giver and household help at $10 an hour. They usually charge quite a bit more.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Frenchie, I'd love for us to be where you and your husband are - it seems like such a lovely situation. My husband will drop by for lunch once every blue moon and I love it. Unfortunately, he doesn't usually get a break long enough, though.

You are very lucky!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LOL when my wife started staying at home I quit doing all houshold chores! I have a 1hour drive and then work 8 hours and then an hour drive home thats 10 hours. In 10 hours I can easily do all the chores for the whole week.wash the cloth run the vac easy stuff. beside the everyday stuff that needs done like dinner. 


I thinks its total Bull this argument that husbands after working all day should then come home and do the wifes job!

I once asked my mother who raise 4 children and then went to work which was harder and more time consumming and she said with out a doubt the working full time is much harder.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Hold on there, Chilly. I don't want my husband to do my job, but I do want him to watch his daughter so that I can do housework. I also want him to clean up after himself and not create additional messes for me to clean up.

If he wants me to work, he'd better be prepared to take on even more than that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Maybe you could initiate his post-work wind down time to be walking together with the baby? Maybe pack the stroller ready and suggest the three of you go for a walk, preferably him pushing the stroller? Rather than nagging, how about suggesting you start doing more things together - cooking together, cleaning together, so it's less divided and more, well, together?

A frank discussion maybe in order too. Know your own worth and in this scenario, don't look to him for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I have suggested walks together and cooking together and sharing that kind of thing but he's usually very reluctant. He just wants to come home, lay in bed and look on his phone. :/

I try not to nag him, but damn, after the umpteenth time asking him to take the dirty dishes downstairs I start to get pretty upset. :lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> LOL when my wife started staying at home I quit doing all houshold chores! I have a 1hour drive and then work 8 hours and then an hour drive home thats 10 hours. In 10 hours I can easily do all the chores for the whole week.wash the cloth run the vac easy stuff. beside the everyday stuff that needs done like dinner.
> 
> 
> I thinks its total Bull this argument that husbands after working all day should then come home and do the wifes job!
> ...


I don’t get it either. My wife was a SAHM first seven or eight years of our marriage, two sons 3 year age difference. I never washed any clothes, did any ironing, cooked or anything at all like that. I did try changing a nappy once and I would rock my sons to get them to sleep. My stuff was the garden, decorating home maintenance etc. I’d step in of course if my wife needed a hand but it didn’t happen that often. Oh and of course there’s that little matter of paying the rent/mortgage, for the utilities, clothes, holidays, food etc. etc. every singly day we were together as a family and beyond. That latter part seems to be missed a lot here. It’s funny these things, if the bills weren’t getting paid we’d hear all about it.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

All of what you wrote about your baby brought back a flood of memories! Infants are a lot of work for any mom, but I remember my son was soooo high needs as a baby. He literally needed my 24/7 attention and the only time he would sleep was in my arms for 20 mins at a time. I saw all these other new moms who seemed to be so put together and have a good handle on the whole mom thing, and I felt so frazzled, tired and like I couldn't accomplish anything. No house work or wifely stuff got done in those days. It was all about the baby and his needs. Luckily my husband was understanding and saw what a hand full our son was, but I still cried many tears feeling like I was failing at my "job".

If your baby is anything like mine was, I get it. When they are little they need you for everything and demand so much of your time and attention. Its Damn near impossible to get any housework done under those circumstances. Don't beat yourself up over it at this stage. They grow out of it quickly. As soon as they start walking, they start running away from you!

Re: your husband, you are most likely fighting a losing battle there. If he's never been made to clean up after himself, why would he start now? Also you said yourself he's always been that way, so nothing has really changed.

I would cut yourself some slack for the time being while your baby is so little. You'll get into a better swing as the baby grows up. If you end up getting a job, look into hiring a cleaning service to help you out. I agree in principle that your H should help out - but still think its unlikely for him to change and know you could potentially cause a lot of resentment over this issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> LOL when my wife started staying at home I quit doing all houshold chores! I have a 1hour drive and then work 8 hours and then an hour drive home thats 10 hours. In 10 hours I can easily do all the chores for the whole week.wash the cloth run the vac easy stuff. beside the everyday stuff that needs done like dinner.
> 
> 
> I thinks its total Bull this argument that husbands after working all day should then come home and do the wifes job!
> ...


Wow, just wow.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Have you talked about how this would work if you secured employment? Any chance you could both work on a plan together of how your household can run? Without nagging or blame on either side of the fence? And then start doing these things? His washing just the one fork and plate for himself, retreating to his phone, sounds to me like he is disengaged from the experience. That's not for you to "fix" but there might be things you can put into place (even for yourself, thinking ahead). 

What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I don’t get it either. My wife was a SAHM first seven or eight years of our marriage, two sons 3 year age difference. I never washed any clothes, did any ironing, cooked or anything at all like that. I did try changing a nappy once and I would rock my sons to get them to sleep. *My stuff was the garden, decorating home maintenance etc. I’d step in of course if my wife needed a hand but it didn’t happen that often.* Oh and of course there’s that little matter of paying the rent/mortgage, for the utilities, clothes, holidays, food etc. etc. every singly day we were together as a family and beyond. That latter part seems to be missed a lot here. It’s funny these things, if the bills weren’t getting paid we’d hear all about it.





chillymorn said:


> LOL when my wife started staying at home I quit doing all houshold chores! I have a 1hour drive and then work 8 hours and then an hour drive home thats 10 hours. In 10 hours I can easily do all the chores for the whole week.wash the cloth run the vac easy stuff. beside the everyday stuff that needs done like dinner.
> 
> 
> *I thinks its total Bull this argument that husbands after working all day should then come home and do the wifes job!*
> ...


AFEH, I bolded the important part. You came home and contributed to the house. I've posted on other threads about this. The wife better be doing work for the 8-10 hours as well, not sitting on facebook for 4 hours and having the TV babysit and teach the children. I'm saying that, ASSUMING the wife is WORKING during the time the husband is at work, when he comes home, it's 50/50 time. I'm not saying the wife now gets to "take time off". That's not fair to the husband. I'm saying once the husbands 8-10 hours is done and the wife's 8-10 hours is done, now it's mutual time. How the family divides that up is totally up to them, as long as the husband doesn't come home and plop his but on the porch and only pay attention to his phone like the OP is dealing with.

I'm talking about the OP's situation, not what you're describing. That father NEEDS to spend time with his kid. It's no wonder the child only wants her mother.

And Chilly, So you do NOTHING around the house? Mow the lawn? Garbage? Shovel snow? Etc. I have a hard time believing you get home and contribute nothing. If that's the case...hey whatever dude, we'll agree to disagree what being the man of the house is about. If you do contribute, then we're on the same page.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

For me...when the boys were babies it wasn't so much who did which job it was...

feeling supported that mattered.

Yin raising a baby is a big job...just do the best you can, love and cuddle your baby cause she'll only be that sweet tiny baby for such a short time. 

If H complains about a mess...tell him to your doing your best...your very best and that if the mess bothers him THAT much...he can clean it up.

Chin up yin and give that baby a kiss and cuddle from me xx


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> LOL when my wife started staying at home I quit doing all houshold chores! I have a 1hour drive and then work 8 hours and then an hour drive home thats 10 hours. In 10 hours I can easily do all the chores for the whole week.wash the cloth run the vac easy stuff. beside the everyday stuff that needs done like dinner.
> 
> 
> I thinks its total Bull this argument that husbands after working all day should then come home and do the wifes job!
> ...



Geez... your a hard man.

Tell me...do you take nights off work? Do you take weekends off work? Do you take public holidays off work? Do you take annual leave? Do you take the day off when you get sick? Do you get holiday pay?

Well.... your SAHW gets none of that...she does 'her job' 24 hours a day, 7 days a week....but you can't see that can you? Talk about selfish!

Your poor poor wife.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If you have a baby that can't nap alone and that needs to be held most of the time, it's very very difficult to get anything else done. I used slings a lot with both of mine so they could nap while I worked, but I don't think Yin could do that with her back pain issues. Plus the dangerous stairs, I just read a post on another forum about a father who fell down stairs while carrying his 19 month old daughter. The little girl now has a broken leg, ankle and foot. I also know someone who's baby was killed when her grandmother fell down the stairs while holding her. 

In terms of parenting, there's no reason the working parent is not on duty as much as the at home parent after work. Chillymorn, why should the working parent's day stop when they get home but the at home parent is still totally on call? My husband often does baths for our kids while I'm doing the last bits of dinner, or folding laundry. Hs going to look after them in half an hour while I go for a run. He's a parent, it goes with the territory.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm a stay at home mom, have 2 young children. I deal with them entirely, along with the cooking and cleaning every day. I have a heart murmur and severe anemia so I am always tired. I also stay up with the children. My boyfriend takes care of the lawn and goes to work.

He reminds me (not insensitively) that he works all day usually when I ask him to do something. It makes me feel guilty that I'm not bringing in any cash - but if I got a part time job the daycare would actually cost more than I brought in.. 

As for you chilly, it depends on the job. My job was much easier than dealing with children. I was a Web Developer. Its not that being a parent is very hard as it is exhausting. Completely and utterly exhausting. You are always tired. You are always behind. You never have the energy to do anything. It's a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week job. I am overly stressed, incredibly tired and my 4 year old wakes up screaming all the time, which wakes my baby and most of the time she is IMPOSSIBLE to get to sleep again!

Yin, I just wanna add that even though I do everything, I wish I didn't. I would much rather work and HE stay home, but my job wasn't a steady income. His is, and reliable.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Just wondering how SAHPs and their working spouses divide household chores...
> 
> 
> Just looking for some perspective.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've never been a neat freak by any stretch of the imagination. If anything, I'm pretty sure I am allergic to cleaning solutions! 

Because this has been an issue in every relationship I'd ever been in (never mind that I worked 40-70 hours a week from the time I was 13 on...) I stated up front in my last two relationships that I would NEVER accept total responsibility for the housekeeping and if this was part of their expectations, they had the wrong girl. I made it clear that any cooking or cleaning I do is purely a gift of love, and could not be established as an expectation, but that I would be willing to work an equal amount of time outside the home, do as much housework as my partner, and pay half the cost of a housekeeper.

As it turned out, it still became an issue in the last relationship, even though he didn't work much at all.

I was working when I met my husband, making a few thousand a month doing very little from home, but I hated it. Long story short... he supported me quitting my job. I'm the woman many men would see as "lying around the house all day," I imagine. I stay up late, far later than he does. I earn around $500 a month with freelancing, and contribute another $36k a year through my rental properties. He earns a little more than that on his job.

I do our laundry, clean the kitchen each day, make our bed, clean the bathrooms, pick up after him (he does leave a lot of stuff laying around), get his ice water ready before he goes to bed, feed and water the pets, and clean the bird cages. I cook family dinners 3-4 times a week. 

He takes care of most yard and car related stuff, though I always help him when it's a 2-person job. He does almost all the maintenance on the rental properties. He chips in on laundry by washing his work clothes. He cleans the litter boxes and brushes the dogs. He takes the trash out about 2/3 of the time. 

It's up for grabs which of us will mow the lawn, spray down spider webs, wash windows, or vacuum floors. I'd guess that he does more, but it'd be a close call. He takes his daughter to school each day and I pick her up, and usually drive together to pick her up from work. He takes her when she works mornings, I take her when she works afternoons. 

I've sometimes felt I don't do enough for him, but he thinks I'm crazy when I say that. I think the fact that I get him his drink refills, clear his dinner plates, and make his bed so that he can climb into bed with fluffy pillows each night is what makes him feel appreciated.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Wow, I can't thank you all enough for your responses! This has definitely given me much to think about, and even though I think my husband doesn't think I do much, it's probably because he's never around to see me actually working... Likewise, much of what he does, he shares with me... So we will be discussing this in depth as I get more serious about finding outside employment.

Thanks again, all of you, for sharing your experiences and opinions. Even Chilly and AFEH. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

I don't get it either. Especially when the men work labor intensive jobs or outside jobs. Lets say a man works in construction laying down asphalt in 100 plus degrees 10 hours a day. He also has an hour commute back and forth to work in a traffic jam. Now the wife has been at home all day in the nice air conditioning, watching TV, taking care of the kids, doing a little housework here and there. But she left a lot undone. now he gets home, and gets angry bc the house is basically as messy as it was yesterday, then she notches at him to help with the housework....does that sound reasonable to you? ***k that!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If that's the case.... although I have done labor before and I still find it easier then dealing with being a SAHM. Then again I never had the luxory to sit around and watch tv in a nice air conditioned house all day. So I suppose for some... being a SAHM is pretty easy... but for me... it sure as hell wasn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> Wow, I can't thank you all enough for your responses! This has definitely given me much to think about, and even though I think my husband doesn't think I do much, it's probably because he's never around to see me actually working... Likewise, much of what he does, he shares with me... So we will be discussing this in depth as I get more serious about finding outside employment.
> 
> Thanks again, all of you, for sharing your experiences and opinions. Even Chilly and AFEH.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Try typing your next post with your hands formed into fists. How far did you get without your fingers?

It’s what happens in life. The more dependable and reliable something in our life is, the more we take it for granted and the less we appreciate it.

Husbands (and wives) are like that. If we’re not mindful we not only take what they do for us for granted, we also complain about what they don’t do!

I’m of the belief that many a SAHM just doesn’t know how to motivate their husband. That they totally rely on their husband to be self motivated in all things.

Now sit back for a bit and think of all the good things the guy does for you and his family. Believe me there will be some things you’ve so taken for granted that you can’t even see them. Plus there will be things that he doesn’t do that you should also appreciate him for. For example he doesn’t get drunk, doesn’t gamble the housekeeping away etc. etc.

Be mindful of what he does do for you and demonstrate your appreciation to him. Appreciation needn’t cost money and it needn’t be of a sexual nature. Simple, two minute to write notes can truly motivate and inspire a man, most especially when they come from the woman he loves. For example “I want you to know that I truly appreciate you for paying all the bills for our family. Thank you”.



Books like The One Minute Manager - Leadership and the One Minute Manager: Amazon.co.uk: Kenneth Blanchard, Patricia Zigarmi, Drea Zigarmi: Books will not only help within your marriage but when you get out to work as well.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> I don't get it either. Especially when the men work labor intensive jobs or outside jobs. Lets say a man works in construction laying down asphalt in 100 plus degrees 10 hours a day. He also has an hour commute back and forth to work in a traffic jam. Now the wife has been at home all day in the nice air conditioning, watching TV, taking care of the kids, doing a little housework here and there. But she left a lot undone. now he gets home, and gets angry bc the house is basically as messy as it was yesterday, then she notches at him to help with the housework....does that sound reasonable to you? ***k that!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, this scenario is messed up, but let's be clear - it is NOT my situation. I don't sit around on my butt all day watching T.V. - we don't even have television. We don't even have a radio, lol! At times it can be very frustrating and boring to be stuck inside all day and all night, day after day after day. In fact, it can make you feel a little crazy at times! Couple that with a very dependent and needy infant and it gets very exhausting. It's frustrating for me to know I have so much to do, and I can't get it done until my husband comes home. Then, once he gets home, to have him disinterested in watching his infant so I can get those things done. Furthermore, it's messed up that he can't/won't clean up after himself. 

So, I work my 8 hours a day, then when he comes home, I work another 3 to 5 hours of additional chores while he sits upstairs and gets to relax, read a book, cruise the internet, etc. THEN, after all of that, *I* am the one who gets up with the baby overnight!! I challenge the toughest manual labor guy to do THAT repetitively for days and weeks at a time! At least when you work outside your home, you get to LEAVE at some point and your day is OVER.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> Hold on there, Chilly. I don't want my husband to do my job, but I do want him to watch his daughter so that I can do housework. I also want him to clean up after himself and not create additional messes for me to clean up.
> 
> If he wants me to work, he'd better be prepared to take on even more than that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


all reasonable things to ask of him! I thought this was going to be about how husbands should work full time and then come home and do chores for the poor little wife who is so stressed out she can't do anything but hold a baby all day.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Dad&Hubby said:


> AFEH, I bolded the important part. You came home and contributed to the house. I've posted on other threads about this. The wife better be doing work for the 8-10 hours as well, not sitting on facebook for 4 hours and having the TV babysit and teach the children. I'm saying that, ASSUMING the wife is WORKING during the time the husband is at work, when he comes home, it's 50/50 time. I'm not saying the wife now gets to "take time off". That's not fair to the husband. I'm saying once the husbands 8-10 hours is done and the wife's 8-10 hours is done, now it's mutual time. How the family divides that up is totally up to them, as long as the husband doesn't come home and plop his but on the porch and only pay attention to his phone like the OP is dealing with.
> 
> I'm talking about the OP's situation, not what you're describing. That father NEEDS to spend time with his kid. It's no wonder the child only wants her mother.
> 
> And Chilly, So you do NOTHING around the house? Mow the lawn? Garbage? Shovel snow? Etc. I have a hard time believing you get home and contribute nothing. If that's the case...hey whatever dude, we'll agree to disagree what being the man of the house is about. If you do contribute, then we're on the same page.


I don't do the chores that I expect my wife to do as part of child rearing.laundry,dishes, vac,shopping

but all other chores like reroofing my house fixing all our old cars ,insulating , fixing all appliances ,general house and yard matiance. and I did them sometimes with kids in tow. so she could do things without the kids.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Oh and we took turns walking the halls with cranky babies who wouldn't sleep. thats some of the best times I can think of. truly bonding and a charchater builder for Fing sure!!!!!!!!!!!

when I think back on it but as your going through it its pure Hell!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Try typing your next post with your hands formed into fists. How far did you get without your fingers?
> 
> It’s what happens in life. The more dependable and reliable something in our life is, the more we take it for granted and the less we appreciate it.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this reminder. I do take the time to appreciate my husband and not take him for granted. I will thank him for working so hard for us before he leaves in the morning. I will tell him how much I appreciate him paying the bills and keeping a roof over our head. I thank him for the times he'll spend money we don't have to make a special occasion "special".

He will never say an appreciative word to me for what I do, day in and day out. Not only does he not express appreciation, but he undermines my contributions to the household. It's extremely hurtful and feels very one-sided at times.

I tell you, though. When he wants a meal, I make it. When he wants to relax and breathe, I let him be. When he wants sex, I never deny him. (Okay, once, but there was a reason for it). I am always available to him - even when he's been an absolute ass - I am always ready (too ready?) to bend over backwards for him.

I do probably a lot more accepting and appreciating of him than the average person because I also have to deal with a complete lack of empathy and emotional understanding from him, (due to possible schizoid "disorder").

But I am always mindful to appreciate all the things he does. In fact, in many ways, I feel privileged to be the one person he feels comfortable enough to spend his life with. Many people like him never develop relationships at all, for very good reason. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Oh and we took turns walking the halls with cranky babies who wouldn't sleep. thats some of the best times I can think of. truly bonding and a charchater builder for Fing sure!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> when I think back on it but as your going through it its pure Hell!


No doubt about it, Chilly! You could never explain the insanity to someone unless they've been through it. When our baby was in the hospital for three days (severe colic/failure to thrive) it was one of the worst experiences of my life. The weeks leading up to, having a baby constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY at your breast... Unable to move, to eat or even use the bathroom at times - because they weren't getting ENOUGH of what they needed from you - and dealing with all the speculation and suspicion - was enough to make anyone crazy. I wouldn't relive that if you paid me, but I am glad I went through it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> all reasonable things to ask of him! I thought this was going to be about how husbands should work full time and then come home and do chores for the poor little wife who is so stressed out she can't do anything but hold a baby all day.


Not at all... And I do appreciate the things my husband does do, like feed the dogs or wheel the heavy garbage dumpster to the curb on trash days... But leaving HIS mess for me to clean up and criticizing me WHILE I AM CLEANING is very discouraging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> I don't do the chores that I expect my wife to do as part of child rearing.laundry,dishes, vac,shopping
> 
> but all other chores like reroofing my house fixing all our old cars ,insulating , fixing all appliances ,general house and yard matiance. and I did them sometimes with kids in tow. so she could do things without the kids.


How often do you reroof your house? Every 20 years? 

I'm certainly glad my H doesn't have your attitude. I've worked full time since our kids were born, and taking care of them full time is by far 200% harder than going to my outside job. Childcare providers do not get paid near enough for what they are responsible for and SAHP's apparently don't get the respect they deserve from their spouses who thinks their parenting and household responsibilities stop at the bank.

Bvllsh!t IMHO. And I'm sorry to Yin that you are faced with this kind of person.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Cherry said:


> How often do you reroof your house? Every 20 years?
> 
> I'm certainly glad my H doesn't have your attitude. I've worked full time since our kids were born, and taking care of them full time is by far 200% harder than going to my outside job. Childcare providers do not get paid near enough for what they are responsible for and SAHP's apparently don't get the respect they deserve from their spouses who thinks their parenting and household responsibilities stop at the bank.
> 
> Bvllsh!t IMHO. And I'm sorry to Yin that you are faced with this kind of person.


Hmmm, tell us how you really feel.

did you ever re roof your own house.....by your self it took me 2 fing months of comming home from work every day and then climbing up on a roof and pounding shingles that I had to haul up a ladder at 80 pounds a bundle. 

It saved me 8000$

this post is about SAHM not moms that work if my wife worked full time then all chores should be divided equally


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Just wondering how SAHPs and their working spouses divide household chores...
> 
> In my situation, I am a new parent and have a hard time staying on top of everything, but I try. I am 100% responsible for our 5 month old's every need, day and night, except 8 hours one night a week when hubby gets up with baby overnight. All other days and nights, I take care of her feedings, baths, diapers, entertainment, etc. It is exhausting! I think I've been adjusting okay, though.
> 
> ...



He knows if he waits you'll take care of it. You have enabled his hands-off parenting approach. He isn't going to kill her if he doesn't burp her or gets a diaper crooked. Show him you have CONFIDENCE in his ability as a parent. I'm wondering if your hovering makes him feel inept so he doesn't bother. Don't correct him and reassure him he's doing fine and act breezy and non-chalant. Go to the grocery store for an item or two and leave them together. Show him you KNOW he is capable with your actions. I know she's your baby but they are really quite tough. None of his questions on childcare you've posted are dangerous to her well being so let him handle it for a while. If he's feeling incapable, that hurts his ego, too.

As to the phone/porch/off to himself, I'm sure he needs some unwind time. You do, too - I get it. Could you agree to give him 30 minutes to unwind (maybe leave him alone until dinner, etc. depending on your routines) and then let you take a bath, or agree to a family walk in exchange? 

I've been there - SAHM for 2 years and was desperate to go to the bathroom alone or a grocery store w/o a hand reaching for everything in sight. Having a little time when there are NO demands on you for anything is important.

Good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Cherry said:


> How often do you reroof your house? Every 20 years?
> 
> I'm certainly glad my H doesn't have your attitude. I've worked full time since our kids were born, and taking care of them full time is by far 200% harder than going to my outside job. Childcare providers do not get paid near enough for what they are responsible for and SAHP's apparently don't get the respect they deserve from their spouses who thinks their parenting and household responsibilities stop at the bank.
> 
> Bvllsh!t IMHO. And I'm sorry to Yin that you are faced with this kind of person.


Hmmm, tell us how you really feel.

did you ever re roof your own house.....by your self it took me 2 fing months of comming home from work every day and then climbing up on a roof and pounding shingles that I had to haul up a ladder at 80 pounds a bundle. 

It saved me 8000$

this post is about SAHM not moms that work if my wife worked full time then all chores should be divided equally


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> Hmmm, tell us how you really feel.
> 
> did you ever re roof your own house.....by your self it took me 2 fing months of comming home from work every day and then climbing up on a roof and pounding shingles that I had to haul up a ladder at 80 pounds a bundle.
> 
> ...


I don't work now. My H still provides support to me.

As for the roof.. okay, that's 2 months out of 20 years. My H has had projects and I've stepped up and done most of the housework so he can work do those kinds of things.. most recently an art show where he was in his shed after work and on weekends for 2 months working on his hobby ... No flipping problem.. But that is not the norm, nor should it be.

However it works in your house, fine by me.

ETA: my H has untreated ADHD... The more he has to do, the better and he is more than willing to help me with anything I need help with and has never said to me "that's your job".. oh no.. that wouldn't go over well.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Chilly, Much respect to you. You are doing your share and that's what I was talking about. Like I said, HOW the house work (from laundry to re-roofing) is divied up between the H and W, is totally up to them (my house is very much a typical man vs. woman work but that's more my wife's desire...she really doesn't want to mow the lawn or deal with garbage LOL). As long as BOTH people are contributing equally.

And like I said about how much the SAHP does, they NEED to be working full time in order to limit how much has to be done during family time. 

Obviously this issue is going to cause a $hitstorm because almost everyone has been in a situation of feeling taken for granted (either the SAHP or the working parent). But it's all about the middle ground.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Yin, it is obvious your husband wants you to work. It sounds like you are getting assistance, so maybe it would do your family good for you to work. Not trying to put you down, but really, the financial situation you describe would stress anyone out. 

Maybe he's the type who only values paid work. I'm a woman, and truthfully, I only value paid work. I know some will criticize that, but it is how I feel. Maybe he feels the same.

I think you working may solve a lot of your issues. Why not start looking for a job?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I have been looking around for the past several weeks, mostly on Craigslist, to find something that will pay well enough to offset the expenses of childcare and working, (I can't even find a reputable place that will watch an infant her age in my area for less than $170 a week)... In addition we will have to figure out a way around the transportation obstacle and find an employer who can be flexible with me, regarding all of my appointments.

I want to get out of the house and earn some money (for me), but also because it will please my husband.  The right opportunity is out there, it's just taking a little time to find.

I am also 100% confident that I will still be responsible for ALL of the housework and care of our infant even if I have a job. This is discouraging and honestly, a big "fear factor" for me. I am working on my anxiety, PTSD and misophonia in therapy, but I don't want to have another meltdown due to stress. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

although finacianly you take a huge hit(which is offset because you pay less fed tax) never the less its still a hit. the benfit to my children by my wife being there for them has been huge!

both of my kids are straight A students have only missed a few day of school and mom has had her dream of being a SAHM and the kids had mom when they needed her.


dinner on the table within 15 mins of being home from work and the kids already have their homework done. disses washed and house ....well I can't have everything ..LOL but I like a house thats lived in instead of a sterile living envronment.

then its off with the boys I coached 9 season of baseball and 5 years of boy scouts. along with grass cutting car repair house repair. all of which my wife was always willing to help with if she could.

its take a team to raise a family right! and the biggest part is to know when to step it up and help eachother out.


never once did my wife indicate I wasn't pulling my weight and more and I felt the same twords her.

with that said I did have to tell her its ok to say can you help me out over here when I was not paying attention like some guys do. LOl.

so think long and hard before putting your kids in day care where someone making minimum wage is watching and caring for your most prize possession your family.

money isn't everything. the down side is when you do start back into the work force it will be much lower than when you left and a little intimadating to start back.

but you never get those young impressionable back and they are very important in how youe child turns out. at least in my opinion!


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I have been looking around for the past several weeks, mostly on Craigslist, to find something that will pay well enough to offset the expenses of childcare and working, (I can't even find a reputable place that will watch an infant her age in my area for less than $170 a week)... In addition we will have to figure out a way around the transportation obstacle and find an employer who can be flexible with me, regarding all of my appointments.
> 
> I want to get out of the house and earn some money (for me), but also because it will please my husband.  The right opportunity is out there, it's just taking a little time to find.
> 
> ...


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> although finacianly you take a huge hit(which is offset because you pay less fed tax) never the less its still a hit. the benfit to my children by my wife being there for them has been huge!
> 
> both of my kids are straight A students have only missed a few day of school and mom has had her dream of being a SAHM and the kids had mom when they needed her.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this post - I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very, very apprehensive of hiring someone to watch my baby because of what happened to ME when I was a child... I'm 32 years old and still trying to cope with it. It's hard for me to even let my mom or sister watch her when they can... There is such a fine line here for me, that it's really nice to get others' opinions on it. Your post made me smile and feel reassured that money isn't everything. Yes, we need it to survive and provide for our wants and needs... But how much is our time actually worth? This is something that is always on my mind. I will work again, just when and how needs to be figured out. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> although finacianly you take a huge hit(which is offset because you pay less fed tax) never the less its still a hit. the benfit to my children by my wife being there for them has been huge!
> 
> both of my kids are straight A students have only missed a few day of school and mom has had her dream of being a SAHM and the kids had mom when they needed her.
> 
> ...


Chilly, it is great you value your wife being at home. But from Yin's post, it doesn't sound like her husband feels the same. It sounds like he resents her staying at home. Do you think her continuing to stay home is going to help that resentment?


Also, how do you know all Yin can earn is minimum wage? In fact, everytime I see this conversation on here, people comment on women making minimum wage only. Now I don't know Yin's education level and experience, but lots of women earn good money. I earn 3 times my husband and really feel it is insulting to assume women will only make minimum wage.

Also, even if she starts at a low wage, hopefully her earnings will increase over time. I started at a much lower salary, but now years later (when my son is grown), my income has increased substantially and I have a nice vacation and other package. If I had stayed home when my son was young (as some encouraged), I would be starting at the bottom now

I'm not saying kids don't benefit from a parent at home, but I don't know if moms benefit from being home. I've seen too many middle age divorced moms who now can't earn a living because they stayed home with kids. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> Thank you for this post - I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very, very apprehensive of hiring someone to watch my baby because of what happened to ME when I was a child... I'm 32 years old and still trying to cope with it. It's hard for me to even let my mom or sister watch her when they can... There is such a fine line here for me, that it's really nice to get others' opinions on it. Your post made me smile and feel reassured that money isn't everything. Yes, we need it to survive and provide for our wants and needs... But how much is our time actually worth? This is something that is always on my mind. I will work again, just when and how needs to be figured out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup:


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> Daycare is expensive. I understand that. And I'm sure you're right about the chores. Most working women I know still do all the chores at home.
> 
> With my work and commute, I spend about 55 hours per week. I do almost all the chores at home, but I don't have small children at home. I remember having a small child at home (and I was single). It is tough. So I'm understand your apprehension.
> 
> ...


You are right - my husband would value me more if I brought in an income, but I don't think he realizes that, at this time, it could actually cost us more than I will make. Not only that, but we will also lose some of the benefits we are receiving and will incur more expenses. It's just going to be a balancing act, and we are both still so inexperienced with this whole situation. I would like to work and be able to get out and have a purpose other than cleaning and baby care... The sooner the better, perhaps. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tennisstar said:


> Chilly, it is great you value your wife being at home. But from Yin's post, it doesn't sound like her husband feels the same. It sounds like he resents her staying at home. Do you think her continuing to stay home is going to help that resentment?
> 
> 
> Also, how do you know all Yin can earn is minimum wage? In fact, everytime I see this conversation on here, people comment on women making minimum wage only. Now I don't know Yin's education level and experience, but lots of women earn good money. I earn 3 times my husband and really feel it is insulting to assume women will only make minimum wage.
> ...


I didn't start out feeling this way it was a progression.I was worried and resentfull at first but as I seen the fruits of our efforts and the benfits for my kids it became apperant to me that for us it was the right decission.

your arguments are very valid ...no doubt about it. and there is no guranteen either method will work out as well as mine did. although were not out of the woods yet. life is an ever changing thing you can only make the best decission you can with what you got.


I wasn't saying she could only make mimium wage I was saying the daycare workers are paid very poorly and they are the one watching your children. the daycare owner probably makes a fair wage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> You are right - my husband would value me more if I brought in an income, but I don't think he realizes that, at this time, it could actually cost us more than I will make. Not only that, but we will also lose some of the benefits we are receiving and will incur more expenses. It's just going to be a balancing act, and we are both still so inexperienced with this whole situation. I would like to work and be able to get out and have a purpose other than cleaning and baby care... The sooner the better, perhaps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I remember my wife reading to our baby 1 month old and she had a baby book proped open and was say B A LL and pointing at it in the picture. and me saying why are you reading to him so young and she said its never too early to start. I thought she was crazy. but after seeing and reading about it myself I trully believe the more you do in this respect the smarter your child will be.

if she worked and he was in day care I can garuntee he would not have got the type of care my wife gave him! looking back on it it was priceless!

not to brag...well maybe alittle both my boys are in the gifted program and pull straight A's and with out a doubt a lage reason why is because of my wife! if it was left to me they wouldn't be able to spell their name. LOL


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

In our home,
My wife does the cleaning.
I love cooking so I prepare almost all of the meals.
I also like doing the laundry, so I do it . She folds and put them
[ dried clothes , linens etc.] away after .
If I don't feel like cooking I will order lunch , or she will cook.

If I didn't have time to do the laundry, she does it.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

That was a really nice post Chillymorn. Sorry for picking on you earlier.

I work part-time and my husband has just crunched the numbers to discover that I am basically working to pay for a cleaner once a week, once you adjust for the tax benefits. I like my job and I work partly to keep my hand in my career area, but, yeah, it's feeling a little pointless right now. 

I found working full-time much much easier than caring for a high-needs infant. But I found full-time SAHM of a baby and a three year old easier than combining part-time work and mothering. I can't even imagine how much I would hate having both parents working full time with young children. Or even school-aged children.

Both my babies have been full-on mummy's girls, Yin. They still are, at five and nearly three. And my husband is a fantastic, amazing dad. It doesn't sound like your husband is ever going to do the hard work necessary to build a strong enough bond to really take the main parenting pressure away from you. 

If I were you, I would forget the job and concentrate on raising your baby and doing as much home stuff as you can. She won't always be this demanding, I promise. It actually goes really quickly, even though it feels like forever at the time.

Oh, and get away from those stairs!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks, again, guys.

Tonight = more griping about the messes in the house that I was actively cleaning. Ok, I told him that until he can "positively reinforce" my efforts, I was not going to clean anymore.

He ended up mopping the rest of the kitchen and preparing a bedtime snack...

I have delved a little deeper into this, and other issues: his constant negative outlook is discouraging for me. Yes, messes are unpleasant but inevitable... Why not look at the bright side of things, rather than harp on the negatives?

I spoke to him briefly about this tonight, as I determined it to be the number one motive I would ever have to divorce him. Will update more info in my "blog" tomorrow, as this and another issues have pressing concerns to be addressed...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well, my fears have come to fruition tonight about leaving husband with baby. She rolled off of the bed while he was in the room with her. I just can't trust him to watch her... Not even for a few seconds.

I posted this update in the last page of my blog.

I feel disappointed and sick to my stomach, even though she is okay.

  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

That happens to pretty much every baby at least once. Don't hold it against him.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

That's what my sister (of all people) said. Her husband accidentally dropped their daughter (fell asleep with her in his arms on the bed) when she was three DAYS old. Omg. I would have freaked out!

I actually hope this will help him pay more attention to her... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

When I was a SAHM I viewed my day as a work day. During the hours of 8 until 7, everything that needed to be done in and around the home was my responsibility. During those hours I did everything that needed to be done to make our lives run smoothly outside of those hours. After I'd prepared dinner, I was 'off-duty' but 'on-call,' and my H and I then shared the 7 until 8 duties equally, with weekends regarded as 'off-duy' but 'on-call' for both of us. It wasn't quite as regimented as it sounds, but it worked well for us.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> That's what my sister (of all people) said. Her husband accidentally dropped their daughter (fell asleep with her in his arms on the bed) when she was three DAYS old. Omg. I would have freaked out!
> 
> I actually hope this will help him pay more attention to her...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. I don't know a single parent who hasn't dropped or let a baby roll out of/off of something. I let mine roll right off the bed and it was a tall 4-poster and it was before she could really roll over.

I still think you undermine his manhood, pride and confidence when you don't trust him at all. That has to hurt.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't know...in the interest of honesty a lot of what you describe is pretty typical man behaviour despite what some will say.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

When my kids were babies it was dificult for me to really get into the caring father role . but as they got older and could walk,talk it became much eaiser for me and I loved it .

guy just arnd"t the best at caring for babies. but the good news is they are pretty good at careing for children! at least thats how it was for me.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yin.. baby falling off bed or couch is pretty common. Just take better orecautions next time. Every single one of mine has rolled off the bed once and the two oldest run around bumping into thinks constantly. It happens lol so just relax. You two blaming eachother for it helps nothing btw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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