# No sex for almost 1 year now.....



## Frenetik (Nov 7, 2013)

For crying out loud, what the hell.....

I posted a rant on this site not too long ago and got some pretty good advice. But lately, things have been kind of taking a turn for the worst...if that's possible.

As the title states, we haven't had sex for almost a year now. I'm 35, she's 37.....this sucks!!!!!!

I'm attracted to her, not so sure if she's attracted to me or not or whether it's any other possibilities. Except cheating, I can safely say she's not cheating, there's no signs, behaviour, suspicion or anything like that and I do know what to look for. My gut just says "no".

I'm not an ugly fellow, but it's starting to feel that way. And I'm also......starting to think about sex with other women. In fact, it's constantly going through my mind. And as embarrassing as it is to say, handling things myself just puts off the thoughts for a little while. Am I a bad person for thinking like this? I mean I would never cheat, I don't THINK. But all my mind ends up doing these days is drifting toward other beds. And I can't bring this up to her because it'll make things too awkward.

Is it normal for there to be these sort of effects when a wife just doesn't have sex with her husband any more? Is it psychologically damaging or something?

Please, some advice or at least some reassurance that I am not turning into a pervert!!!!!


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

So have you talked to your wife (honestly) about this issue? If so, what was her response?


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## Frenetik (Nov 7, 2013)

No, but I mean it's coming to it. I have to approach things carefully with her though. She works hard, and at the end of the day she's exhausted and stressed, so I know what the response will be, "I don't wanna talk about it". And I'm willing to bet that's one of the major reasons we're not doing it.....but I don't want to say "Well, it's either quit being stressed or I'm outta here". I can't do that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No sex for a year and you haven't even talked about it? There's the first problem. 

IMHO, you need to drag this out in the open. Yes, it will be an uncomfortable discussion. But you know what? It probably won't be as uncomfortable as the discussion that starts with "I want a divorce". 

What is she so stressed and tired about that she can't take 30 minutes out of her week to have sex with you? Most people waste WAY more time than that watching garbage TV shows EVERY NIGHT!

C


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Some woman get more of a thrill from the control than from having sex. Could it be she likes to watch you squirm?


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

You need to talk to her, and let her know how you feel. If she is unwilling to find a way to compromise, you need to leave. Heck, even if she is willing to "compromise" I would be considering leaving. 

Duty sex is boring and lacking in emotion. For me, if she was not into me to the point where we didn't have sex for a year, it would indicate that it's time to leave and find someone who wanted me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You haven't had sex for a year and you haven't said anything about it?

WTF? Seriously?

And in this post you don't ask how to bring it up, or what to say, or if it's possible to change, or what might be going on. Instead you admit to thinking about sex with others and ask if that's normal.

NO dude! It's NOT normal to be emotionally cut off from your spouse and NOT bring it up!

Your year of passivity has caused her to view you as the biggest wimp in the nation. She knows damn right well men like to have sex and she is with holding. The fact you haven't brought it up tells her you are too intimidated by her to advocate for yourself. No woman respect that! At all! Ever!

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. And grow a pair. Then bring it up with her.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You haven't had sex for a year and you haven't said anything about it?
> 
> WTF? Seriously?
> 
> ...


Read this 10 times a morning. Then go bang your wife. I mean seriously, what a doormat.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> Some woman get more of a thrill from the control than from having sex. Could it be she likes to watch you squirm?


That's back to my 'evil' or 'stupid' theory (kindly note the quotes)....

Figure out if she's 'evil' or 'stupid' and you're halfway there. Usually it's a mix, but if 'evil' >> 'stupid' it's a lot harder to fix...

If it is 'stupid' >> 'evil' the usual MMSL or NMMNG type books seem to work. But if she's more deliberately ignoring, then you can either try the basics and largely fail, or go head on and make her life as miserable as she's made your life... Not difficult for most couples.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have children? If not, divorce her.

A year and she hasn't volunteered a pity hand job? She is checked out. You don't need this marriage.

Tired? She's sleep better if she had an orgasm now and again.

Does she masturbate. She might do it in the bath tub.

Not cheating? She may not be IRL but in her fantasies she may be having sex with old boyfriends or faceless strangers. If she is asexual, you don't need her.

Also, do you have bad habits: smoking, porn addiction, TV watching? Cut them out. Go to the gym work out like fiend. There are tons of find looking women on machines to entertain the mind.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

All I can say is don't be me. 

I once went 3.5 years without sex with my wife. This was after a significant decline in sex and it hasn't been much better since. Looking back, I didn't do enough at that point to fix it before it got bad. Now, I think it is broken. We are both done. The emotional connection and desire is completely gone.. I will be filing in the spring. 

Btw, this 3.5 year stretch happened when I was in the best shape of my life. 300+lb bench, 400+lb squat, 500+lb deadlift. Not an ounce of fat, completely shredded. I attracted a LOT of attention. Our sexless stretch had nothing to do how physically attractive I was. On the other side, my wife passed the 300lb mark on the scale years ago. I am a good person, provider, father .. and yes, even a decent husband. Doesn't mean anything.

Do not let it get to that point. Take control now. Do not be me. Think it's tough now? I have been essentially celibate for 6 or 7 years. I have missed my best years for sex and I will never get them back. They are gone. It may be another year before I'm even in the position to date and have sex again. It takes an emotional toll on you and you do start to wonder what's so bad about you that you don't deserve to have sex while everybody else is getting laid. You even start to believe it. It is a mind f*ck. 

Go bang your wife. Do it again tomorrow. Talk about it. Let her know what you need and what you expect. Do not accept this under any circumstances!!!.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Talk to her. Tell her how this is affecting your life and your happiness. It's gone on way, way too long already. Did you have a good sex life before things went sexless? I can't imagine it went from great to nothing in a year, so I'm guessing it gradually dropped off? 

One way to start a conversation would be to ask her about her drive, and the reasons she thinks she's lost desire for sex with you. Does she ever feel sexual these days? Does she think about sex? Masturbate? Is she aware how lack of sex has made things very, very difficult for you? You HAVE to have this conversation with her. If just hitting her with it won't work because of her being stressed after work, then tell her you want to schedule a time to talk about your marriage. Everyone, at some point, has to talk about their marriage. 

I do think it's reasonable to ask her to control the stress in her life so that she can have room for an intimate relationship with you. If she claims she doesn't know how to, then ask her to get some individual counseling. For some people, stress management is not intuitive--it's a skill, and it can be learned. 

If your marriage is not a priority for BOTH of you, then things will continue in this unbalanced way. First things first, though: have the conversation with her. Since you've not brought it up before, do your best not to bring your year's worth of resentment and frustration with you to the talk. Once you start the process of working on this, things won't change over night. The most important thing is to get her to understand that sexlessness is a huge problem for you, and that you need her help in getting the intimacy back on track in your marriage. She might have to decide on the steps to take to get there--and your should be supportive of her path, as long as she is sincere about working on this--but make sure that you also set up some parameters for seeing progress, too. If you talk to her, and she seems willing to work on things, but after a month or two there is no progress, then it's time to double down.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Welcome to the club... I just gave up until my wife possibly one day comes around... take control back don't let it affect you. If its too hard divorce her. Otherwise good luck.


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## Frenetik (Nov 7, 2013)

Yeah, I guess I have been pretty docile and "door mattish".....well....I'll give it a shot. I do need to grow a pair. Thanks for the help folks.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Frenetik said:


> Yeah, I guess I have been pretty docile and "door mattish".....well....I'll give it a shot. I do need to grow a pair. Thanks for the help folks.


I read your other post and wanted to ask if you ever ended up checking out MMSL. I think you might find it useful to understand a bit about how to make yourself as attractive as you can. 

I see that you had a good sex life in the beginning, but that it dwindled after a few years and was poor at the time you actually got married. Two thoughts on this:

1. You're about to pull a "bait and switch" from HER perspective. That is, you were happy enough to marry her knowing that she was happy with no sex; and now you want her to change

and

2. If sex was good in the beginning, that means she had a drive at one time, and there is a chance she can rekindle it IF SHE WANTS TO. 

How you approach this with her is going to make or break your success, in my opinion. Be honest and own up to being unhappy with the sex life going into the marriage. Admit that you were hoping you could handle it or that things would improve on their own. And explain to her that you were mistaken, that you've realized that sex isn't something you can have a happy and satisfying marriage without. If she says that this is a deal breaker for her, you might just have to accept it and move on. 

But arm yourself with information that she might find useful if indeed she seems like she wants the marriage to work. Tell her that you are willing to help her look for and rekindle her libido so that she can be a full partner in the pleasure again. Put out a hand and invite her on the journey WITH you, not kicking and screaming all the way. 

I know she is stressed out. If the initial talk doesn't go well, let her stew on it a bit. In the meantime, look for ways to make yourself more attractive and desirable to her. Are you still not working? Get a job, any job, if you can. Alpha up. I'm as liberated a woman as they come, but my sex drive ain't. I'd be perfectly happy to live with and support a nice guy, but I'm not going to want to fvck him. Could it be that your wife has a drive affected by this sort of thing? 

It's time to throw yourself into this whole hog and figure out if there is a chance of turning it around. Make sure she knows you're working on this heart and soul. Check in with her regularly to repeat the what sex in marriage means to your, and what not having it does--don't let her put this on the back burner, and don't ever feel ashamed for the way you feel. Make sure SHE understands that for a person with a sex drive, being constantly rejected is extremely painful and damaging to self esteem and happiness. Don't whine and beg for sex, but don't let the issue go back under the rug. You are a lot luckier than many folks here because it looks like you could undo this marriage without a lot of hassle because kids are not involved. 

This won't get better on its own. She has zero incentive to work on this until you give her one.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Frenetik said:


> Yeah, I guess I have been pretty docile and "door mattish".....well....I'll give it a shot. I do need to grow a pair. Thanks for the help folks.


remember- there is no allowance for her to not fix this problem. If she needs you to change a bit to help then work hard with her and for both of you. She must change and you must get regular sex. Or bye bye.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Frenetik said:


> I have to approach things carefully with her though. She works hard, and at the end of the day she's exhausted and stressed, so I know what the response will be, "I don't wanna talk about it"..


That is called Off-the-table-itis. She has made the topic off the table. No discussion. Even if she has not said so, her actions say so.

This is the problem.

So, you have to establish that you need to talk about it. First then is a comment to her that you are unhappy in the marriage and want to discuss it with her. She should feel a bit of a jolt at such a comment!

The next step is to establish a time to talk. You can acknowledge she works hard and is tired in the evening, so you would like to set up next Saturday morning after breakfast as your discussion time. Or whenever makes sense.

There is no perfect time, so you just have to find a time to talk even if it is not ideal.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is not normal for a woman to not want sex. Read that last sentence again, and know that it is true. She either has a medical problem, a psychological problem, or she finds you unappealing (not your fault!).

She may have issues in her upbringing, perhaps lots of toxic shame around sex due to crazy parents. Or she has a history of sex abuse as a child, or possibly sexual assault as a teen.

Or, she has a hormone problem or other medical problem.

You aren't a doc or a shrink. It is not your job to diagnose it or to fix it. But it is well within your place as husband to insist she work on it.

Set a boundary on this.

(Is she strongly Christian?)


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Since she once had a sex drive early on and you all did have sex something changed for her at some point. Could be medical, emotional who knows for sure. 
Have a talk with her tell her how it's affecting you and you are ready to walk if she doesn't at least help you understand why she's feeling the way she is. Also
keep this in mind, people who feel they have nothing to lose usually don't change things. Maybe she's so comfortable with you and the marriage she feels she has
nothing to lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

A year without a jump :scratchhead:

There is some real trouble going on in your marriage if you can't or won't talk about it.

Perhaps you could try just touchy feely time on the sofa and see how she feels about the contact side of things, then approach any issues from there, this is the tactful way using contact and then communicating your thoughts, if she is not feeling a connection with you then possibly she will not be receptive of your touch but you need to talk constructively about this.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thor said:


> *It is not normal for a woman to not want sex.* Read that last sentence again, and know that it is true. She either has a medical problem, a psychological problem, or she finds you unappealing (not your fault!).
> 
> She may have issues in her upbringing, perhaps lots of toxic shame around sex due to crazy parents. Or she has a history of sex abuse as a child, or possibly sexual assault as a teen.
> 
> ...


My STBW is often very stressed, end of the day really tired. We have sex 10+ times a week, and she initiates at least as much as I do. There is something going on with her as Thor mentioned.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You original question - is it abnormal or wrong to be fantasizing about sex with others when your spouse has cut you off sexually - no. I'm sure that is a very normal reaction for your situation.

However, as the others are.saying - that's not the problem here. One problem is that you guys stopped having sex. The other problem is that you haven't talked about why this happened. 

If she says she doesn't want to talk about it say that is unacceptable. Its unacceptable to not talk about going a year without sex. This is going to end your marriage in time. Would she rather not talk about it till the day she gets served divorce papers?

Resentment is the thing that end sex. Its not stress from work or I'm tired for a whole year or whatever. Most people who like sex find sex a stress reliever - so she is just handing you an excuse.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Thor said:
> 
> 
> > *It is not normal for a woman to not want sex.* Read that last sentence again, and know that it is true. She either has a medical problem, a psychological problem, or she finds you unappealing (not your fault!).
> ...


Yeah but come on samyeagar, your sex life is the extreme of normal ... in the other direction.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah but come on samyeagar, your sex life is the extreme of normal ... in the other direction.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I came out of a marriage where the final four years were sexless. I am going to make damn sure I never go back there again.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

My STBXWW didn't like sex either.

Come to find out she just didn't like sex _with me_.

I hope you don't find the same thing.

MMSLP and No More Mr Nice Guy for you. Read them.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> My STBXWW didn't like sex either.
> 
> Come to find out she just didn't like sex _with me_.
> 
> ...


That was the thing with my ex wife...she wanted sex, just not with me, though by the end, I didn't want it with her either so I guess it ended up being a wash.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That was the thing with my ex wife...she wanted sex, just not with me, though by the end, I didn't want it with her either so I guess it ended up being a wash.


Well a year after separation and I've found.........
others do!!!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I came out of a marriage where the final four years were sexless. I am going to make damn sure I never go back there again.


lol, I know and I'm in that place right now; my point was that by your standards, the majority of marriages are relatively sexless  Can't really use yours as a metric of what normal is.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh wait. So you don't have a job? So you're like her dependent?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

There are definitely women who want sex all the time. If that's what you want, find one. But you might have to up your game.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Frenetik said:


> No, but I mean it's coming to it. I have to approach things carefully with her though. She works hard, and at the end of the day she's exhausted and stressed, so I know what the response will be, QUOTE]
> 
> Don't you work hard too? My God man your not asking her to work overtime a her job, your asking for intimate time with her that is supposed to make the both of you feel good and relaxed.
> 
> ...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Frenetik said:


> No, but I mean it's coming to it. I have to approach things carefully with her though. She works hard, and at the end of the day she's exhausted and stressed, so I know what the response will be, "I don't wanna talk about it". And I'm willing to bet that's one of the major reasons we're not doing it.....but I don't want to say "Well, it's either quit being stressed or I'm outta here". I can't do that.


Good lord, if everybody who worked a full week and was tired when they got home stopped having sex, nobody would be getting laid. I'm stressed and tired when I get home too ... and the first thing I get hit with when I walk in the door are chores to be done, bills to pay, kids who need immediate attention and help with their homework. I think she can handle it. Stop being afraid of her.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

sounds like your wife and my husband would be a great match...no sex drive at all. I need a magic pill or something sonny husband will freaking do me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

Most state-level jurisdictions consider "lack of consortia" on the order of a year or more to be grounds for divorce. If you don't have children, file now and file a couch at someone else's house to sleep on. Leave the house for her, in exchange for not being required to maintain her. Good luck.


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