# The "I'm not a sexual person" WW



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I was on another site earlier today and read the updates from a couple of BH's trying to R with their WW's who are having a problem with frequency and passion in their intimate relationships post-A.

They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are.

There are a couple of WW's on the Wayward board over there that have said the same thing...."I'm just not a sexual person".

Yet all of these women, who supposedly are not very sexual, had sexual A's with their POSOM's.

The guys are frustrated, and honestly I couldn't think of what advice I would give them.

If I were in their shoes, dealing with a WW who had a PA but was now telling me she doesn't really need or care for sex, and that's why she didn't want it much or lacked passion, I think I would be so enraged I would consider immediately filing for D (that's the only advice I could think of for these guys, but since it doesn't help them with their desire to R, I refrained from posting)

All I can imagine saying to a WW who told me that is: 

"You're not sexual?.....Then WTF am I having to deal with this sh*t for?

If you're not a sexual person why in the h*ll were you even off banging this POS?"

I don't think I could deal with that crap.

So my question is, did any of you guys have to deal with your WW claiming or saying this after D-Day?

How did you deal with it?

I really had not a clue on what to post to these guys.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Wouldn't re-engaging sexually be a key element of the recovery. I would (am) be very pissed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd file for divorce.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Thinkitthrough,

Yeah....that's exactly what I would say too.

I can't see how R would be possible for these guys with this attitude from their WW's....but both of the WW's in the Wayward (not the WW's of the two BH's) section are in R too.

And one of the WW's has even shared she doesn't feel right when she has sex with her BH because she says it isn't loving and romantic enough....she feels like she is getting used like a piece of meat.

All I could think was WOW....she feels like a piece of meat with her BH having sex in R....but she was willing to bang some married POSOM for months during her A.

And yeah, she said she had shared these feelings with her BH.

I don't know how he stayed after hearing that.

But maybe some posters who have dealt with this issue hear know how it can be addressed.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Gus,

I would too.

But these guys really want to save their M's, so I refrained from advising them to tell their WW's to go f*ck themselves and file for D.

Personally, I can't see a way around this....maybe someone here was able to find a way though.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

This is why I am leaning this way more and more warning he says "naughty" words.:wink2:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN1ZlGIBbBg


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> I was on another site earlier today and read the updates from a couple of BH's trying to R with their WW's who are having a problem with frequency and passion in their intimate relationships post-A.
> 
> They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are.
> 
> ...


Usually that excuse is reserved whilst an affair is going on and they dont want to have sex with their husbands.

Only later when it is dicovered that wife was having an affair does the reality hit that she is indeed a very sexual person just not with hubby


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

It's simple. The BH's are BARELY their FWW's Plan B.

They want what their Husbands can provide for them, but they don't really want their Husbands.

If you don't care for the man, you won't care to have sex with that same man.

I realize due to children, mortgages, and so on, these guys will do, or take just about anything to keep their marriages together. But it's not going to work out. Not for long anyway.

A hard 180 and get all your ducks in a row. If she sees that you're making plans to leave and she does nothing to stop you from going. You didn't have anything worth staying for anyway...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

You know...all I could think about was to file for D and see if that woke them up too.

Just thought I'd ask here on TAM if anyone had ever faced it and how they got through it.

lol....and I decided to ask TAM posters rather than start a thread on that site because too many of the posters over there are the save the M at ANY cost types....one guy just told his WW to her face he was never going to consider divorcing her, despite the fact that she is a serial cheater still in multiple flings, because he took his vows seriously. (made me shudder)

TAM may be blunt at times...but at least the posters are realists who can call a hopeless situation when they see it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would guess they find married sex tiresome/boring (and/or aren't attracted to their husbands any longer). They are choosing to R probably because of security or they don't want to be on their own with the children or maybe they fear loss of their lifestyle. But sex will be very, very far down on the list. And for sure it won't be the kind of sex the OM got. 

Those husbands need to wake up. They're in for an unhappy life.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> There are a couple of WW's on the Wayward board over there that have said the same thing...."I'm just not a sexual person".


They didn't finish the line.

I'm just not a sexual person _*with you*_.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I personally don't believe reconciliation starts until the sex is on full blast. But in any case why would a guy even consider reconciling with a nonsexual wife? A guy with zero self esteem and no options?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> ...They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are,
> ...Yet all of these women, who supposedly are not very sexual, had sexual A's with their POSOM's.
> ..."If you're not a sexual person why in the hell were you even off banging this POS?"


Got the exact words from my FWW. "It was never really about the Sex". As Mori (TAM Alumni) wrote years ago "Sex is nothing more than the currency of the Affair."


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> It's simple. The BH's are BARELY their FWW's Plan B.
> 
> They want what their Husbands can provide for them, but they don't really want their Husbands.
> 
> ...


Sound right to me. The answer is those women aren't being honest, that's why you can't think of anything to say. R requires absolute open communication.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

Yeah, my WW told me throughout the first couple months after Dday. "It wasn't all about sex. We talked most of the time. He's a really nice guy." She claimed that she just wasn't that kind of person. "Sex isn't everything." She was saying this to me. Someone she was married to for 15 years. 

Funny after everything went to $hit and he turned out to be an over possessive pos. Not to mention how her world all of a sudden is falling apart now, she decides to confess all the details of her affair. Not about sex....yeah. Okay. Welcome to the divorce process.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are.


I keep telling these guys, desperate for reconciliation, that when a woman cheats on you it means she's lost romantic interest in you; usually never to return. They keep ignoring these words of profound wisdom. I mean I can lead a horse to water.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

TrustlostHearbroken said:


> Yeah, my WW told me throughout the first couple months after Dday. "It wasn't all about sex. We talked most of the time. He's a really nice guy." She claimed that she just wasn't that kind of person. "Sex isn't everything." She was saying this to me. Someone she was married to for 15 years.
> 
> Funny after everything went to $hit and he turned out to be an over possessive pos. Not to mention how her world all of a sudden is falling apart now, she decides to confess all the details of her affair. Not about sex....yeah. Okay. Welcome to the divorce process.


Yeah....its funny how when the details of the A all come out, all these "I'm not a sexual person" WW's were plenty into sex with some trashy POS.

I think that what ThePhoenix says is usually the truth with a WW....and that would count double with a WW trying to claim in R from a PA that she's just not a sexual person.

And that should be a dealbreaker with any BH.

I thought of posting and telling the guys D was their best option....but ultimately decided not to.

I generally try to respect what a poster says they are shooting for, R or D. 

And if I can't say anything positive towards that goal, I keep my peace.....or even try to offer any positive insight I can think of to try and help them in some way.

But like I said, I couldn't even think of any advice to give these guys on how to work through this problem and stay in R.

And, based on what posters here are saying, there just simply might not be a solution....either they need to file for D if its unacceptable, or sit back and resign themselves to eating their sh*t sandwich.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> You know...all I could think about was to file for D and see if that woke them up too.
> 
> Just thought I'd ask here on TAM if anyone had ever faced it and how they got through it.
> 
> ...


You wouldn't happen to be reading the Experience Project i Live in a sexless marriage forum?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> I was on another site earlier today and read the updates from a couple of BH's trying to R with their WW's who are having a problem with frequency and passion in their intimate relationships post-A.
> 
> They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are.
> 
> ...



How these guys are not looking for it elsewhere is behind me - first she cheats and then she denies you sex - what the hell does it take to wake some people up? 










There is no marriage left to save. What they should save at this point is their self-repect.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sports Fan said:


> Usually that *excuse is reserved whilst an affair is going on* and they don't want to have sex with their husbands.
> 
> Only later when it is discovered that wife was having an affair does the reality hit that she is indeed a very sexual person just not with hubby


Yeah, got every excuse she could muster while the affairs were active. From too tired, work related, too painful, even "I'm sick of birth control". I immediately went an got a v-sec. No change. 

After DD the truth really hit me. The lies were telling... "You had no time for me for years on end, but had no problem driving 150 miles round trip to spend a few hours in sex with some POSOM in a hotel off the interstate?" No problem, taking weeks to plan a hookup, arranging complicated schedules, lying to everyone, me, friends, your parents so you could slip off for a day and have sex with POSOM. 

Now tell me again... "I'm not a sexual person."

And to those that do R, the dirty little secret, even if your WW remains faithful from now on... Sexually, you will always be Plan B.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Dyokemm,

In at least some cases, perhaps most, the affair has ended physically, but emotionally the WW remains loyal to the OM, and the BH gets prostitute sex or once a month menstrual driven sex. 

In other cases I think the WWs fantasy life is still OM 95%, so even when they have sex with you they are not having sex with YOU!

I think there is also the permanent change in how the WW sees the BH, the OM becomes a superman in the WWs mind making the BH seem pathetic and even repulsive, this contrast effect sometimes never goes away. 

There are cases where the OM is shown to be horrible/nasty which can enhance the way the WW shes her BH, but this requires the BH to stand up and not passively accept the affair.

Tamat


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

RWB said:


> Yeah, got every excuse she could muster while the affairs were active. From too tired, work related, too painful, even "I'm sick of birth control". I immediately went an got a v-sec. No change.
> 
> After DD the truth really hit me. The lies were telling... "You had no time for me for years on end, but had no problem driving 150 miles round trip to spend a few hours in sex with some POSOM in a hotel off the interstate?" No problem, taking weeks to plan a hookup, arranging complicated schedules, lying to everyone, me, friends, your parents so you could slip off for a day and have sex with POSOM.
> 
> ...


so why stay married to a person who made you plan b in the bedroom?

i also think another little dirty secret of reconciliation is the WS had a blast cheating. Knowing at anytime discovery could wreck your life - but that did not stop their good time. That is another tough one to swallow. i wonder how many "remorseful" WSs still secretly think fondly of their APs, even secretly praising them to like minded friends. I NEVER buy the line "my affair wasn't all that" from a cheater involved in a LTA.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> So my question is, did any of you guys have to deal with your WW claiming or saying this after D-Day?


Yeah, my ex had frequent (multiple times a week) sexual contact at work with her OM. Dirty talk, pictures, etc. For most of my marriage I got sex 1-2 times a month. Boring sex. Post affair ex told me best she could muster with me was "once a week" and that statement reeked of duty sex.



Dyokemm said:


> How did you deal with it?


I dumped her... I'd advise ALL BS in the same situation to do the same. You're being used as a security blanket.

The attraction is GONE and it's not coming back. Move on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think I know the board you are talking about & these particular women are, in my opinion, cases of arrested development. They never advanced to mature love, mature sex, mature anything. The poor husbands are trying to have marriages, while the WW's are wallowing in teenager ideas of love and self-pity.

For a while here, I felt that I had become jaded from reading these stories. I was definitely learning about human behavior, but my first response to so much became, 'Divorce!'

At that point, I just thought that my reaction was TAM-fatigue, but now I actually think that most of these people would do better by cutting their losses and divorcing. Life is far too short and can be joyful.

I certainly would counsel divorce in the cases you are talking about.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Sports Fan said:


> You wouldn't happen to be reading the Experience Project i Live in a sexless marriage forum?


No...its on SI


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> For a while here, I felt that I had become jaded from reading these stories. I was definitely learning about human behavior, but my first response to so much became, 'Divorce!'
> 
> At that point, I just thought that my reaction was TAM-fatigue, but now I actually think that most of these people would do better by cutting their losses and divorcing. Life is far too short and can be joyful.


99% of the stories on TAM go something like this:

"Hello friends, I thought I married an apple. I just found out she's an orange. I'm heartbroken. I don't want an orange. I really wanted to be married to an apple. I'm still in love with the idea of this orange being an apple. How do I make this orange, magically turn into an apple?"

Of course, the obvious answer is, "You made a mistake. Your apple is really an orange. It was and will always be an orange and it will never be an apple. So either you throw the orange away and find an apple or accept that you married a POS orange and do your best to deal with it. And stop blaming the banana, he/she didn't turn your apple into an orange."

Doesn't mean your bitter or jaded or hate oranges. You just want an apple. It makes sense that the answer "divorce" is applicable in most situations. The BS got a really bad deal and what other options are there? I do believe there are special circumstance where an "R" would be warranted. Honestly though, I've only come across maybe a dozen in the two years I've been on this board.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> 99% of the stories on TAM go something like this:
> 
> "Hello friends, I thought I married an apple. I just found out she's an orange. I'm heartbroken. I don't want an orange. I really wanted to be married to an apple. I'm still in love with the idea of this orange being an apple. How do I make this orange, magically turn into an apple?"
> 
> ...


I agree completely (although I think in my head I use colors rather than fruit, LOL).

If you look at the actual testimonials on these boards and do some amateur statistics, it's not hard to see that the people who insist on R at any cost, are back here and usually not too happy or satisfied. The ones who choose D usually report after a year or two that they are glad they did it.

(Sorry if I've threadjacked here, Dyokemm. I will zip it.)


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

Most people are in a continual pursuit of novelty and the feeling that accompanies it. Both men and women have this tendency- they just deal with it and interpret it differently. It's sad. Many people will never leave that cycle of chasing, relishing and finally discarding.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> I was on another site earlier today and read the updates from a couple of BH's trying to R with their WW's who are having a problem with frequency and passion in their intimate relationships post-A.
> 
> They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are.
> 
> ...


How I dealt with it was realizing that she just wasn't into me and I went and found someone that was.

And we have had very much great sex since, and this has made everyone very happy.

The end.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> How I dealt with it was realizing that she just wasn't into me and I went and found someone that was.
> 
> And we have had very much great sex since, and this has made everyone very happy.
> 
> The end.


Sometimes in life the simplest answer is correct. :|


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> I was on another site earlier today and read the updates from a couple of BH's trying to R with their WW's who are having a problem with frequency and passion in their intimate relationships post-A.
> 
> They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are.
> 
> ...


Ahh the **** cheaters say lmao


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> I was on another site earlier today and read the updates from a couple of BH's trying to R with their WW's who are having a problem with frequency and passion in their intimate relationships post-A.
> 
> They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are.
> 
> ...


I would recommend a licensed sex therapist who has experience dealing with a relationship damaged by cheating.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

RWB said:


> Yeah, got every excuse she could muster while the affairs were active. From too tired, work related, too painful, even "I'm sick of birth control". I immediately went an got a v-sec. No change.
> 
> After DD the truth really hit me. The lies were telling... "You had no time for me for years on end, but had no problem driving 150 miles round trip to spend a few hours in sex with some POSOM in a hotel off the interstate?" No problem, taking weeks to plan a hookup, arranging complicated schedules, lying to everyone, me, friends, your parents so you could slip off for a day and have sex with POSOM.
> 
> ...


My point exactly


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I keep telling these guys, desperate for reconciliation, that when a woman cheats on you it means she's lost romantic interest in you; usually never to return. They keep ignoring these words of profound wisdom. I mean I can lead a horse to water.


This happened to me as well. I kept drinking the kool aid thinking it would come. But it never did.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Very simple. The "not sexual" thing is a dodge.

What the women are is attention and compliment [email protected], and they are willing to trade sex to get it. They're ashamed at being so shallow and cheap, and invent a new excuse.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

OMG i saw it too the post from the WW in survivinginfidelity Forum, Do you know that the woman who said it ****ed her married man for years ? and she even said she never initiate sex before DDAY ... no wonder why she never initiate
And by the way it's not up to you to decide if your gonna leave a comment and say the BH need to file for a divorce because if you did you will get immediately banned TRY IT!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> You know...all I could think about was to* file for D and see if that woke them up too.
> *
> Just thought I'd ask here on TAM if anyone had ever faced it and how they got through it.
> 
> ...


Your wife should b e wanting to bang you because she finds you attractive or after the affair wants to reclaim you because she's scared of losing you. The latter might in the short term fulfill certain needs but once the wife figures you're not going to leave then the sex might dry up.

Filing for D to "wake them up" might scare them in the short term, but the writing might be on the wall when they state things that are quite contrary to the actions they displayed during the affair.

i.e The husband almost feels he's obligated to get the same treatment the OM, not just the sex but the level of "unrestrainted initmacy" projected towards the OM.

Sad thing is due to many years together or whatever she just doesn't see you as that person she can truly "reveal" herself to, thus you get the same old, same old or even worse nothing at all.

You file for D because you're doing it for you not to elicit a reaction out of them. You want authentity not forced intimacy.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

BobSimmons....I agree with you.

What I meant by wake them up was something you said in the first line of your post......inspiring the WW to want to reclaim you because they're afraid of losing you.

And then working on the intimacy and M issues to try to prevent it 'dying up' as you said....because I think you make a great point that it might revert to that once they calculated the BH wasn't leaving.....and at that point the BH essentially just has to accept the M will never be satisfactory and dump the WW.....bad enough to go through this 'I'm not a sexual person" horsesh*t once, if it ever went back there she should be out so fast her head spins.

But I think filing and seeing if it inspires change is about the only option left for those two BH's....but neither of them would take it.....anytime another poster even hints they should consider D, these guys shut it down immediately and go off on a litany of why they can't or won't do that.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

imjustwatching,

You can advise a guy to file for D on SI and not get banned.....I've done it several times.

Just can't keep harassing and hammering the guy with that advice, or calling him a doormat, if he doesn't want to take it.

They don't do the same to the relentless pushers of R at any cost, though.

There was a guy over there who caught his WW and instantly filed for D and kicked her to the curb hard....and he had to endure weeks of pro-R people constantly coming on his thread and criticizing him for going too fast, calling him cruel, etc, despite the fact that he over and over again made it clear that the A was a dealbreaker for him and he would never consider R.

Despite all this harassment....not one banning or warning to knock it off and leave his thread alone.

If posters had been all over one of the many doormats over there in the same way pushing their opinions about D, the hammer would have fallen.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Forest said:


> What the women are is attention and compliment [email protected], and they are willing to trade sex to get it. They're ashamed at being so shallow and cheap, and invent a new excuse.


“Sex is the currency of an affair”


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

But you can't comment on the WW section and said her husband need to divorce her they will gang up on you , last week there was a BH who his wife cheated with 7 different men , the first response was from a user who ask why the hell you are still married to her , after that the WW who also use SI replied and started a new thread about "judgmental people" saying the user shouldn't say what he said and only god can judge her .


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

imjustwatching said:


> But you can't comment on the WW section and said her husband need to divorce her they will gang up on you , last week there was a BH who his wife cheated with 7 different men , the first response was from a user who ask why the hell you are still married to her , after that the WW who also use SI replied and started a new thread about "judgmental people" saying the user shouldn't say what he said and only god can judge her .


That's why his wife cheated with 7 different men. I am sure there will be an 8th on the way soon. :scratchhead:


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> I was on another site earlier today and read the updates from a couple of BH's trying to R with their WW's who are having a problem with frequency and passion in their intimate relationships post-A.
> 
> They keep getting hit with the excuse that their WW's just aren't sexual people and this is who they are.
> 
> ...


Simple. Tell them to get either a subscription to Bang Bros, a bottle of Jergens and a box of Kleenex . . .

or some b*lls.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Almost everyone can rise to their highest sexual capacity at times in their lives, and typically that's the beginning of new relationships. An affair causes the same new relationship chemicals to surge. If that affair becomes a relationship with the WS and if the WS really isn't that sexual, they will end up not being that sexual with the AP, too.

If it really was that they are a sexual person, but they just don't want to have sex with their spouse, then the relationship was doomed anyway. 

If there is a way that the WS and BS can bring their sexual desire for each other back (like via the MB plan), then maybe it was doomed but can now be saved.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

imjustwatching said:


> But you can't comment on the WW section and said her husband need to divorce her they will gang up on you , last week there was a BH who his wife cheated with 7 different men , the first response was from a user who ask why the hell you are still married to her , after that the WW who also use SI replied and started a new thread about "judgmental people" saying the user shouldn't say what he said and only god can judge her .


OK...I thought you meant on the site in general.

Yeah, you can't offer 2x4's to the WS's in the Wayward Section.

I'm banned from posting in that area myself.....

I once told a WW, without cussing or calling her names, that she really needed to wake up.

She got drunk, told her BH that the OM was so much better of a lover, etc.

Then decided that maybe she would just tell him she wanted a separation so she could go get these other men (yeah she had a couple other lined up) out of her system and see if her feelings for her BH would come back.

And she really believed her BH would be there waiting for her if she could eventually figure it out.

Anyway, I told her she needed to wake up quick....because if she didn't stop her behavior soon she was going to lose her M and her kids permanently (she insulted the dad while drunk in front of her kids, and had been blatantly leaving in the evenings to go to him...so the kids knew).

Once again...no cussing or name calling....Result?

Banned from Wayward....lmao, and the person who got upset and sicked the mod on me was a BS who started yapping about how no one but WS's were supposed to deliver 2x4's to other WS.

Its ridiculous...but I have to say, there are some reformed WS on that board who really tear a blameshifting and unremorseful recent WS a new one if they keep up with the denial and illogical bullsh*t.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Almost everyone can rise to their highest sexual capacity at times in their lives, and typically that's the beginning of new relationships. An affair causes the same new relationship chemicals to surge. If that affair becomes a relationship with the WS and if the WS really isn't that sexual, they will end up not being that sexual with the AP, too.
> 
> If it really was that they are a sexual person, but they just don't want to have sex with their spouse, then the relationship was doomed anyway.
> 
> If there is a way that the WS and BS can bring their sexual desire for each other back (like via the MB plan), then maybe it was doomed but can now be saved.


While true I guess that just sounds so clinical.

Nothing in there about the WS being a POS and stomping and sh!tting on the BS' heart.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

imjustwatching said:


> But you can't comment on the WW section and said her husband need to divorce her they will gang up on you , last week there was a BH who his wife cheated with 7 different men , the first response was from a user who ask why the hell you are still married to her , after that the WW who also use SI replied and started a new thread about "judgmental people" saying the user shouldn't say what he said and only god can judge her .


She's clearly confusing judgement w/ condemnation.

And, while it's true that only God can "judge" her, _that's true only where *the fate of her eternal soul* is concerned._

She IS accountable to her husband for her transgressions, and he can -- by way of divorce -- "judge" her unworthy of his continued love, devotion, and support. And he should.

Seven times, if possible.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

If I were to decide to stay married to a woman who cheated on me and then told me she just didn't want sex, I would like to say that I would divorce. But, I would probably do what I did when I was in that situation and say something along these lines:

"You aren't a sexual person. Got it. Well, I'm not a cuddly person, or a nice person. I'm not one to help you out with things around the house. I'm not one to tell you how much I care about you, or buy you gifts to let you know I am thinking about you. I'm not the kind of person who will cook dinner for you and take over caring for our kids when I get home. I AM the kind of person who will bend over backwards and do ALL of those things for someone who makes me feel loved, even though its not 'who i am'. If you want all that, there is a way you can get it. Should you decide you want it, let me know, and I will let you know how you can get it."

Basically,
I won't tell someone I love them if they won't tell me the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

There are some decent posters over on SI, both wayward and betrayed. Like any message forum, it'll be a mixed bag. I don't think its nearly as bad as marriage builders in terms of being pro-r regardless of the infidelity that occurred. I have seen a few different points of view regarding sexual activity there. Some argue that the WS should not do anything that makes them uncomfortable, regardless if they did it for OM/OW. Some other WS are in favor of doing things to show their commitment to the BS, and in turn they may find it to be helpful to themselves in rebuilding. And, of course, if they happily did it with their OM/OW, it really wasn't that bad to begin with...


Still, there are some threads that can make your blood boil. There was a former poster here, Kingwood Kev, who went to SI after he was banned here. His WW cheated for a year, had all sorts of fun sex romps with her OM. Kingwood kicked her out, didnt divorce her, two years later they try R. She pulls the card of not wanting to do anything adventurous, she wanted just the "lovemaking" they did. So, she got her freak on with her boyfriend but wants to continue half-assing it years later with her H. Some BS's there tried to make Kingwood see the light and that she was feeding him bullsh*t, but his own desire to be a martyr and be noble basically shut out other posters. No matter what was posted to him, everyone else was wrong, and he had to suffer through this bullsh*t attempt of reconciliation. Eventually he left SI too, but he was banned her if I'm not mistaken. The BSs there tried, but couldn't get through to him.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

dyok. could ya pm me the site and a few user names you refer to?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

The problem is the BS accepts this. To sit and complain just makes it worse. 

If you do go into the wayward section of SI you will see the big difference between a strong BS and a weak BS. The strong always fair better.

Time for people to stand up for themselves.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

When I visit SI and read the wayward section I see lots of FWWs who complain about not wanting sex with their BHs. They state that their husbands objectify them and make them do things they don't want to do, or have sex more often than they want to. It strikes me funny....they are willing to debase themselves as currency to get the ego kibbles a from their affair partners, but are so emotionally detached from their husbands that they are unable to do the same for them. To a woman they cannot grasp they they are the ones responsible for the emotional disconnect, not their BHS. It's a fascinating catch 22. I feel so sorry for their hubbies. Broken women leading other women down a cul de sac of brokenness. It's pathetic and oddly engrossing to watch.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

On the spot Bandit. Most will not make it due to the fact they will not reconnect. I think a big part of it is the WW disconnects to have the affair. The feelings never come back. The only way is for the BH to take some sort of control and have value. Notice the big difference if the BH files and exposes.

You must make the WW earn you back.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jim123 said:


> On the spot Bandit. Most will not make it due to the fact they will not reconnect. I think a big part of it is the WW disconnects to have the affair. The feelings never come back. The only way is for the BH to take some sort of control and have value. Notice the big difference if the BH files and exposes.
> 
> You must make the WW earn you back.


You nailed it. 

There is one idiot on SI, Darkness Falls....

She is openly contemptuous of her betrayed husband who she somehow conned into remarrying her. Now she's knocked up with his child and the poor bastard is screwed for life now...living with a woman who openly tells SI that her affair partner was the best fvck of her life and that he BH will never measure up. She only tolerates him.

No....I'm not making this up. Go read her posts for yourselves.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> When I visit SI and read the wayward section I see lots of FWWs who complain about not wanting sex with their BHs. They state that their husbands objectify them and make them do things they don't want to do, or have sex more often than they want to. It strikes me funny....they are willing to debase themselves as currency to get the ego kibbles a from their affair partners, but are so emotionally detached from their husbands that they are unable to do the same for them. To a woman they cannot grasp they they are the ones responsible for the emotional disconnect, not their BHS. It's a fascinating catch 22. I feel so sorry for their hubbies. Broken women leading other women down a cul de sac of brokenness. It's pathetic and oddly engrossing to watch.


I agree completely.

This crap is so common from so many of the WW's there.

And yes the one you mentioned shocks me as well.

I can't for the life of me figure out why she remarried him, given how she talks about her feelings in the M.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> When I visit SI and read the wayward section I see lots of FWWs who complain about not wanting sex with their BHs. They state that their husbands objectify them and make them do things they don't want to do, or have sex more often than they want to. It strikes me funny....they are willing to debase themselves as currency to get the ego kibbles a from their affair partners, but are so emotionally detached from their husbands that they are unable to do the same for them. To a woman they cannot grasp they they are the ones responsible for the emotional disconnect, not their BHS. It's a fascinating catch 22. I feel so sorry for their hubbies. Broken women leading other women down a cul de sac of brokenness. It's pathetic and oddly engrossing to watch.


That is why a guy should always look at the kinds of female friends his SO has. It is very telling whether she aligns herself with women of quality, integrity and solid moral values... or not.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Satya said:


> That is why a guy should always look at the kinds of female friends his SO has. It is very telling whether she aligns herself with women of quality, integrity and solid moral values... or not.


You are so correct. Women who do not cheat do not put up with women who do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

All I'm seeing here are tons of reasons that a PA ought to be an immediate dealbreaker for anyone, especially a BH.

Oh, and KingwoodKev was banned here for having multiple accounts, each of which had its own -- and completely different -- narrative attached.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> I agree completely.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sounds like OM was either attached or otherwise unable to commit to her. So why not let the BH pay the bills -- including, eventually, alimony and child support -- until he is?

What a slore.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

On SI, the husband of Darkness Falls approached her first about getting back together, if I remember correctly. She is very open that she made a mistake in remarrying him, but now she seems to be sticking it out as part of some self punishment. Unfortunate they're bringing a child into that. 

SI has some very decent former wayward posters who do a decent job of calling out other cheaters on their sh*t. Then there are some who do not. I was banned for posting to a BH there, Swat70, about how his cheating wife was steamrolling him even after DDay. He still didn't quite get it. He caught her again with OM after DDay and during what was clearly a false R. Also caught the hundreds of texts, and found her journal where she detailed how much she loved cheating on her BH. Truly, truly sick.

But on SI, the waywards mostly gave her a slap on the wrist, and essentially blamed it on Fog nonsense. "If you really want your marriage, you have to cut contact!" was basically their version of a 2x4. The very few of us who kept pleading with Swat70 to open his eyes were essentially ignored. Or banned, like me.

Eventually, Swat70 divorced her. The cheating wife, SoSorry17, does the usual lamenting about how good something is when its gone, etc. Some waywards on SI are encouraging her to change herself for everyones sake, some are still encouraging change for a possible reconciliation...Don't get it.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You nailed it.
> 
> There is one idiot on SI, Darkness Falls....
> 
> ...


I do not see Darkness Falls as the idiot, it is the BH. If he will not stand up for himself then it is his issue. We need some accountability with the BH too.

What drives me crazy is the BH who will not stand up for themselves and come on the boards crying that their WW will not stop or hurt them.

I understand the need for support but at some point you need to take control of your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jim123 said:


> I do not see Darkness Falls as the idiot, it is the BH. If he will not stand up for himself then it is his issue. We need some accountability with the BH too.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wish I could "Like" this about a hojillion times.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jim123 said:


> I do not see Darkness Falls as the idiot, it is the BH. If he will not stand up for himself then it is his issue. We need some accountability with the BH too.
> 
> What drives me crazy is the BH who will not stand up for themselves and come on the boards crying that their WW will not stop or hurt them.
> 
> I understand the need for support but at some point you need to take control of your life.


I don't think he knows she fees this way towards him. She never talks about actually talking to her husband. All she does is go on SI and complain about him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Whip Morgan said:


> On SI, the husband of Darkness Falls approached her first about getting back together, if I remember correctly. She is very open that she made a mistake in remarrying him, but now she seems to be sticking it out as part of some self punishment. Unfortunate they're bringing a child into that.
> 
> SI has some very decent former wayward posters who do a decent job of calling out other cheaters on their sh*t. Then there are some who do not. I was banned for posting to a BH there, Swat70, about how his cheating wife was steamrolling him even after DDay. He still didn't quite get it. He caught her again with OM after DDay and during what was clearly a false R. Also caught the hundreds of texts, and found her journal where she detailed how much she loved cheating on her BH. Truly, truly sick.
> 
> ...


My understanding about DF is that her husband banged her best friend after they spit up, and she has never forgiven him for it. (Made me laugh a little). As for the re-marriage, she has written conflicting accounts. Some posts she said the desire to remarry was shared, and then she comes out and says it wasn't her idea but that she remarried him for security and because she thought doing so would erase what she had done. 

Well now she has trapped herself in a marriage with a man who she never really wanted or respected in the first place, and now the dumbsh!t has gotten herself knocked up. Talk about a person who consistently makes one bad decision after another and never seems to learn her lesson? She is the poster child for broken human beings. 

I read Swat and SoSorry's thread also. I'm so glad he divorced her. Talk about a criminal who came to Jesus only after she was thrown in prison! It did my heart good when she came on later and lamented how he was dating another woman. 

I can't wait t hear her update where she cries a river about how he has found a newer, younger model and wants to introduce the kids to her. That's always a humorous read.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Satya said:


> That is why a guy should always look at the kinds of female friends his SO has. It is very telling whether she aligns herself with women of quality, integrity and solid moral values... or not.


100% agree

Would also add the family dynamic.. This is the one that I missed big time. My x mother in law was a cheater and home wrecker. Her daughter, whom I married, hated her for that and detested all things about it and what she did to both her father and her step father. She punished her apparently by becoming just like her and cheating on every relationship she had. The apple never falls far from the tree....excellent point!


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I read Swat and SoSorry's thread also. I'm so glad he divorced her. Talk about a criminal who came to Jesus only after she was thrown in prison! It did my heart good when she came on later and lamented how he was dating another woman.
> 
> .


When SoSorry announced that Swat filed, she got a lot of condolences on the loss of her marriage, which surprised me. Seemed like a lot of genuine, hearttfelt, "so sorry for you's. There was a small amount of "this is a direct result of your actions, now pull it together for your children and future" kind of posts. But, mostly, the apologies and people feeling bad for her.

What surprised me the most was the reaction to her. SoSorry was a WW who cheated, got caught, then continued the affair all the while she posted on SI and pulled a false R. Then caught again, she did the same "remorse" cycle over again. And after all that, she became the darling, seemingly model "remorseful" wife of the Wayward forum on SI. Scary.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Reconciliation in SI is some kind of a cult. 

Going in the opposite direction is considered blasphemy there, if the WS is willing to reconcile.
One of the most popular "divorce" stories (Spaceghost) had the OP getting pages and pages of 
people pestering him for not giving his WW a second chance.

One of the posters went as far as actually insulting the OP for this. He was asked to relent by the mods,
but as far as I know, never banned (if it had happen on the "other side" it would have been a sure permaban).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

italianjob said:


> Reconciliation in SI is some kind of a cult.
> 
> Going in the opposite direction is considered blasphemy there, if the WS is willing to reconcile.
> One of the most popular "divorce" stories (Spaceghost) had the OP getting pages and pages of
> ...


The Mods there definitely have a double standard. Lots of enabling allowed, while posters who call WSs on the carpet for their bullsh!t get censored.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

I believe SI was started by a WS and her BH. Might explain the bias. The badgering of Spaceghost was way over the top.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Vulcan2013 said:


> I believe SI was started by a WS and her BH. Might explain the bias. The badgering of Spaceghost was way over the top.


Yeah but he triumphed in the end. BHs need to read that thread to see how a real man handles a cheating wife. 

Awesome.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Not familiar with Spaceghosts story, but sounds like he turned out okay for himself.

SI isn't all bad. There really are some decent people there,both BS and WS. I've read some posts by waywards to other waywards where 2x4s were delivered, albiet in a kindler, gentler way then sometimes seen here. Also seen where sometimes it sinks in, sometimes it doesn't. While I would never say never, there are some waywards there that make me think:maybe, just maybe, some cheating spouses do get it, and won't do it again. We have some former waywards here as well. 

It is frustrating, on any board, to see a BS so hopelessly lost when all you do is want to shake some sense into them. But I can empathize to a point. When I caught my ex fiance, I had moments, briefly, where I thought she could turn it around and we'd be okay. Fortunately those moments were fleeting. I understand that I don't understand the agony of indecision for a BS who is looking at ending a years-long marriage, with children, etc. 

However, a spade is spade at the end of the day. At SI, there was one poster, Bikingguy, whose wife had a 15 year affair with a friend of his. They're "in reconciliation." Here, years ago, a poster named 8yearscheating discovered his wife actually had an 18 year affair with his good friend, and his youngest daughter wasn't his. Reconciling as well, before he left. Point? Well, sometimes regardless of the website, you'll find those betrayed that no matter what is said to them, will keep their heads in the sand.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

jim123 said:


> You are so correct. Women who do not cheat do not put up with women who do.


I was shocked at how true this was for my wife. A good friend divorced his wife because she would not go NC after he caught her in an EA. He doesn't know if she crossed into a PA before he told her it was over or if she waited until then to go physical. Either way, she's with the OM now.

My wife is downright NASTY towards her.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I was shocked at how true this was for my wife. A good friend divorced his wife because she would not go NC after he caught her in an EA. He doesn't know if she crossed into a PA before he told her it was over or if she waited until then to go physical. Either way, she's with the OM now.
> 
> My wife is downright NASTY towards her.


IMHO monogamous women do not tolerate even small threats to their relationships. Stray females are threats. Men say "This is my girl" women dont say that as much but seem to have the same mind set of "This is my man" emphasis on the word MY.

Mental note to read a few threads elsewhere.

R is earned. Like RTBPs wife.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> I agree completely.
> 
> This crap is so common from so many of the WW's there.
> 
> ...


Ye$, it $ure $seems my$teriou$. I $uppo$e we will ju$t never know why $he cho$e to remarry him.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

The other comments on this thread seem to have gone off in another direction, so I'm only responding to the original post.

This post struck a cord with me because I have been in the very same situation with my wife. Virtually sexless marriage, her claiming from day one that she's not a very sexual person with a nearly non-existent libido, then a short series of emotional and physical affairs with a couple different guys, all of which were highly sexual. That certainly makes it that much more painful and during/after our reconciliation, made me wonder about her libido issue all the more.

I can only speak for my own situation, but in short, I know my wife didn't engage in the affairs because she was anxious to have sex with someone new or because she couldn't get her sexual needs met by me. She did so because she felt unloved and undesired by me for years, until some POSOM came along with some flirtation and lit her on fire emotionally. For her, just feeling cared for, appreciated, desirable, etc., again for the firs time in years just sucked her into his web like the highest of emotional high's. For her, the sexual activity that followed was just her meeting the POSOM's needs in order for them to continue to meet her emotional needs. She wasn't anxiously horny for her next opportunity to blow them, she just became temporarily addicted to the affection they provided to her. In time, that feeling faded. I know with her last affair, nearly all of which occurred while we were separated, she wasn't all that sexual with him at all towards the end of their relationship, probably because she no longer felt the need to keep him satisfied any longer.


Anyhow. I am no longer bothered by the fact that she had a couple of highly sexualized affairs, while at the same time knowing how low her libido was and is. The issue I struggle with now, several years after our reconciliation, is the fact that our marriage is still lacking enormously in the sex department, but she doesn't seem to feel much of a need to correct that.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Anyhow. I am no longer bothered by the fact that she had a couple of highly sexualized affairs, while at the same time knowing how low her libido was and is. *The issue I struggle with now, several years after our reconciliation, is the fact that our marriage is still lacking enormously in the sex department, but she doesn't seem to feel much of a need to correct that.*



I would venture to say that it's because she has and still does, get everything she needs from you - Except excited about having sex/making love.

You can tell yourself that it was the OM's fault she cheated. That they were there at the right time, right place. That they said the right things an then WHAM! She got very excited about sex. But the common denominator here is none of the OM's were you.

I think that it's more like low interest then low sex drive.

If you want to increase your wife's interest, then you're the one that's going to have to make some changes.

I was once where you were and are right now. It's easier to see when you're on the outside, looking in. If you work on yourself enough, she may start showing an interest in you again.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I would venture to say that it's because she has and still does, get everything she needs from you - Except excited about having sex/making love.
> 
> You can tell yourself that it was the OM's fault she cheated. That they were there at the right time, right place. That they said the right things an then WHAM! She got very excited about sex. But the common denominator here is none of the OM's were you.
> 
> ...


Well hold on, I didn't say it's the OM's fault that she cheated, in fact I said that it was the many years of feeling unloved, unappreciated, etc. by me. That's why she cheated. Married women draw the interest of other men all the time, but most of the time they choose not to engage with them because they are reasonably happily married. I was a crappy husband, so it's no surprise that she was susceptible to that.

With that said, I don't necessarily disagree that I could be doing more to change the current situation. I need to go re-read the MMSP and NMMNG sometime to get some renewed ideas.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sosorry17 and swat70 was a fascinating read.
Om was a predator player (swats description, not hers)... And a loon.(my description)
No that does not make her innocent, he did some truly evil lies and false evidence to convince her he was unfaithful, among other things.
Makes me wish we still had paramour laws.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

cdbaker,

Thanks for sharing.

Do you think this lack of interest in a strong sexual relationship might end up being a dealbreaker for you?

I understand you coming to acceptance that she had highly sexual A's with these sh*tbags....but can you accept she will never be that way with you?

It sounds to me that she enjoys keeping you around for security and emotional support....and to h*ll with what you need.

I could never accept that....if you can, you are a much more dedicated H than I could ever be.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Well hold on, I didn't say it's the OM's fault that she cheated, in fact I said that it was the many years of feeling unloved, unappreciated, etc. by me. That's why she cheated. Married women draw the interest of other men all the time, but most of the time they choose not to engage with them because they are reasonably happily married. I was a crappy husband, so it's no surprise that she was susceptible to that.
> 
> With that said, I don't necessarily disagree that I could be doing more to change the current situation. I need to go re-read the MMSP and NMMNG sometime to get some renewed ideas.



This is from your post, #75: *She did so because she felt unloved and undesired by me for years, until some POSOM came along with some flirtation and lit her on fire emotionally. For her, just feeling cared for, appreciated, desirable, etc., again for the firs time in years just sucked her into his web like the highest of emotional high's. *

^^^^^^^^^
This made me think that you might have been blaming the OM's more then you FWW. Sorry, I misunderstood.


I would say just emulate what the OM's did for her that got her so interested in having sex with them, but I think that if all other things were equaled by you - You would still be at a disadvantage.

They were the *OM*s. That's an aspect that you'll never be able to duplicate with your wife. They were the forbidden fruit, the big risk, etc.. I'll bet that she even did a lot of things that she never thought she'd ever do, while she was on that "high", from the excitement. It's like a drug to many people.

Well, I hope that you can work things out. I know that I'd have a tough time if I were in your shoes. If the physical aspect of the relationship had never improved afterwards, I couldn't have stayed as long as you have.

I really do hope that you can turn it around. Take care.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Om was a predator player (swats description, not hers)... And a loon.(my description)"

Yeah....that POS was definitely a sociopath...with all his effort to convince one of his best friend's W's that the BH was cheating on her, so she should pay him back by hooking up with him.

And then the downright evil things he did to his best friend, also a fellow cop/co-worker, and add on to that the stalking of them both that got so bad POSOM actually ended up getting arrested and fired.

He truly was a dangerous SOB.

But the funny thing is.....the more POSOM carried on his crazy behavior, the more I lost respect for SoSorry (the WW).

At the end, all I could think was....

You betrayed your supportive, loyal, and loving BH for THAT?....How f*cking stupid could you be?

Even their (both SoSorry and Swat's) description of what the POS was like BEFORE the A revealed what a total slimy pile of crap he was.

After that thread, I remember thinking that even if I could ever get past a partner betraying me.....I don't think I could ever get over her being that gullible and stupid.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Dyokemm, 

Early on in the saga, and in the midst of the False R, as SoSorry17 was still communicating with the OM, Swat posted that SoSorry admitted she never truly believed he was cheating on her. OM may have fed her some lines that Swat was cheating, but she never really bought it. She cheated because she wanted to, and during her "self discovery" admitted she had EAs with others, but "didn't understand" that she was cheating.

OM in that case seems like a batsh*t crazy guy. But I suspect between Swat's tendency to martyr himself, much like Kingwood Kev, and SoSorry's inability to tell the truth, the OM wasn't as nuts as made out to be. 

SoSorry cheated because she liked to do it,as Swat later discovered in her journal.


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## maybeobvious (Sep 11, 2015)

I'm new to this forum and this post really hits home. My WW ended her A about 8 years ago. Was never really into sex with me. Would do it occasionally and seem to enjoy it but never initiated, sometimes refused. In fact she was at her most sexual with me during the A and immediately after (when I suspect she was planning a false R). I'm sure now that she was thinking of OM while having sex with me.
Fast forward to today and there are a few things that still haunt me including comments during the A that strongly suggest she was engaging in a variety of acts with OM that she hadn't - and has not since - with me.
There is a comment above about WW being compliment *****s and willingly trading sex in exchange. I think this is my W. My compliments are meaningless to her, often answered with "you have to feel that way." I think she lacks self-esteem and A was like a feel-good drug.
But R has been difficult and the sex thing has been a big reason why. There's just no way for me to reconcile "I'm not really into sex" with the actions she undertook during the A.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

maybeobvious said:


> I'm new to this forum and this post really hits home. My WW ended her A about 8 years ago. Was never really into sex with me. Would do it occasionally and seem to enjoy it but never initiated, sometimes refused. In fact she was at her most sexual with me during the A and immediately after (when I suspect she was planning a false R). I'm sure now that she was thinking of OM while having sex with me.
> Fast forward to today and there are a few things that still haunt me including comments during the A that strongly suggest she was engaging in a variety of acts with OM that she hadn't - and has not since - with me.
> There is a comment above about WW being compliment *****s and willingly trading sex in exchange. I think this is my W. My compliments are meaningless to her, often answered with "you have to feel that way." I think she lacks self-esteem and A was like a feel-good drug.
> But R has been difficult and the sex thing has been a big reason why. There's just no way for me to reconcile "I'm not really into sex" with the actions she undertook during the A.


I'm sorry you have had to endure this.

But if you haven't been able to find a solution to this problem, and it continues to eat at you, can I ask you.....why do you stay in such an unsatisfying and unhappy situation?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

maybeobvious said:


> I'm new to this forum and this post really hits home. My WW ended her A about 8 years ago. Was never really into sex with me. Would do it occasionally and seem to enjoy it but never initiated, sometimes refused. In fact she was at her most sexual with me during the A and immediately after (when I suspect she was planning a false R). I'm sure now that she was thinking of OM while having sex with me.
> 
> Fast forward to today and there are a few things that still haunt me including comments during the A that strongly suggest she was engaging in a variety of acts with OM that she hadn't - and has not since - with me.
> 
> ...



And yet you stay. At what point do you go from victim to volunteer?


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## maybeobvious (Sep 11, 2015)

Why do I stay? The usual reasons I guess. For the kids. Because my parents split when I was very young and I vowed I would never do the same to my kids. Because my marriage is not all bad. Because the financial implications of D would suck. Because I would feel like a failure. Etc.

In retrospect, when I discovered the A, I did many things right but certainly made some mistakes, chief among them not kicking W out the door and making her win me back. Live and learn.

Re the victim or volunteer comment, absolutely it's on me at this point. There's no rational reason for me to expect W to change in the absence of any stimulus - even then it's doubtful if she would and that I would believe her change to be genuine.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

maybeobvious said:


> I'm new to this forum and this post really hits home. My WW ended her A about 8 years ago. Was never really into sex with me. Would do it occasionally and seem to enjoy it but never initiated, sometimes refused. In fact she was at her most sexual with me during the A and immediately after (when I suspect she was planning a false R). I'm sure now that she was thinking of OM while having sex with me.
> Fast forward to today and there are a few things that still haunt me including comments during the A that strongly suggest she was engaging in a variety of acts with OM that she hadn't - and has not since - with me.
> There is a comment above about WW being compliment *****s and willingly trading sex in exchange. I think this is my W. My compliments are meaningless to her, often answered with "you have to feel that way." I think she lacks self-esteem and A was like a feel-good drug.
> But R has been difficult and the sex thing has been a big reason why. There's just no way for me to reconcile "I'm not really into sex" with the actions she undertook during the A.


I hear you man. My ex gave me this line while happily bouncing on some other loser.

Here's the thing I had to come to: she just wasn't that into me.

And I don't think your wife is really that into you. She may love you (as in puppy dogs and that newborn baby smell) but there's not that raw animal lust component.

If it was never there, my read is that it likely never will be.

But if it was there and you lost it and she scratched that itch with some other guy... then maybe you stopped doing what it took to get her groove on.

But what's clear is that she's sexual. Just not with you. That might be right now or forever.

Some guys could live with not having that passion with their wife. I'm just glad I'm not one of them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

maybeobvious said:


> I'm new to this forum and this post really hits home. My WW ended her A about 8 years ago. Was never really into sex with me. Would do it occasionally and seem to enjoy it but never initiated, sometimes refused. In fact she was at her most sexual with me during the A and immediately after (when I suspect she was planning a false R). I'm sure now that she was thinking of OM while having sex with me.
> Fast forward to today and there are a few things that still haunt me including comments during the A that strongly suggest she was engaging in a variety of acts with OM that she hadn't - and has not since - with me.
> There is a comment above about WW being compliment *****s and willingly trading sex in exchange. I think this is my W. *My compliments are meaningless to her, often answered with "you have to feel that way."* I think she lacks self-esteem and A was like a feel-good drug.
> But R has been difficult and the sex thing has been a big reason why. There's just no way for me to reconcile "I'm not really into sex" with the actions she undertook during the A.


The next time she throws that gem your way, come back w/ one of your own...

"No, I don't. I don't HAVE to feel any way about you. Or, for that matter, anyone. And every time you say that to me, you leave me wondering precisely WHY I _should_ 'feel that way' about someone who clearly doesn't 'feel that way' about me."


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> When I visit SI and read the wayward section I see lots of FWWs who complain about not wanting sex with their BHs. They state that their husbands objectify them and make them do things they don't want to do, or have sex more often than they want to. * It strikes me funny....they are willing to debase themselves as currency to get the ego kibbles a from their affair partners, but are so emotionally detached from their husbands that they are unable to do the same for them.* To a woman they cannot grasp they they are the ones responsible for the emotional disconnect, not their BHS. It's a fascinating catch 22. I feel so sorry for their hubbies. Broken women leading other women down a cul de sac of brokenness. It's pathetic and oddly engrossing to watch.


Amen. Sex is the currency of an affair. Remove it and there would be few OM.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Just read the story of Spaceghost on SI. Pretty epic stuff, with some elements that this thread here features. Some of the BHs that find that this thread applies to them would do well to read it. Not necessarily to follow it word for word, as Spaceghost clearly had a scenario where the children were grown and had financial stability, but certainly to read how he handled the sexual part of the affair.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Whip Morgan said:


> Dyokemm,
> 
> Early on in the saga, and in the midst of the False R, as SoSorry17 was still communicating with the OM, Swat posted that SoSorry admitted she never truly believed he was cheating on her. OM may have fed her some lines that Swat was cheating, but she never really bought it. She cheated because she wanted to, and during her "self discovery" admitted she had EAs with others, but "didn't understand" that she was cheating.
> 
> ...


This. ^^^^

To me, SoSorry was a stereotypical, entitled rich girl who married a man who was way out of her league when it came to morals and integrity. SWAT was a poor kid from the other side of the tracks, who rose above his circumstances, made himself into a model man, and then went and married a spoiled little rich skank. Let's be honest here: she was attracted to him because he possessed all of those qualities that she knew she lacked.

She even admits that for the duration of their marriage, even before her affairs, she treated SWAT like garbage, heaping on him both verbal and emotional abuse throughout their relationship. 

SoSorry talks a good game now, but that only came after SWAT found her journal and exposed to everyone what a nasty, narcissistic, mean little piece of work she really is. The cat was out of the bag, and no matter how hard she tried, no matter how eloquently she defended herself on SI, no one was buying her lies anymore...not even the other clueless WSs on that board. 

My hope is that SWAT hooks up with a hot little number, 10 years his junior, who worships him and adores his kids. 

I'll bet she's already dating and sleeping around. I don't believe a single word she posts about wishing she could R with SWAT...not one word.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> This. ^^^^
> 
> To me, SoSorry was a stereotypical, entitled rich girl who married a man who was way out of her league when it came to morals and integrity. SWAT was a poor kid from the other side of the tracks, who rose above his circumstances, made himself into a model man, and then went and married a spoiled little rich skank. Let's be honest here: she was attracted to him because he possessed all of those qualities that she knew she lacked.
> 
> ...


Did we read the same thread?

I saw growth from her even with that strange codependent relationship that they had evolved into post-divorce.

Entitled? Maybe a bit. The single largest problem she had was lousy self-esteem and her need for external validation.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Did we read the same thread?
> 
> I saw growth from her even with that strange codependent relationship that they had evolved into post-divorce.
> 
> Entitled? Maybe a bit. The single largest problem she had was lousy self-esteem and her need for external validation.


Yes. We must have read different threads. She didn't fool me a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Based on my memory, I don't recall SoSorry getting really brought to task by other WS on that board once Swat exposed her true feelings (meaning how much she loved cheating on him) by describing the journal. I remembered them essentially laying the blame on her being in the "fog." IMO, the fog is complete bull****. I understand the point some try to make by describing being in the fog, but unfortunately on SI people tend to blame everything on the fog, thus implying the WS has no control nor personal accountability. 

Not everyone there, though. Can't consider all of SI as nonsense. I do believe there are some WS that truly "get it." 

But with SoSorry, I do think people really bought her ****. She was in the "fog." I got banned because I simply posted several times to Swat that the affair never ended, because he caught them together at some bar or restaurant. Unfortunately, he and other SI posters bought her ****. Later, he got out of her that contact had continued, but I don't think he or other SI members truly understood the affair had continued. Even after the journal, it was blamed on the "Fog." Complete, utter nonsense.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Whip Morgan said:


> Just read the story of Spaceghost on SI. Pretty epic stuff, with some elements that this thread here features. Some of the BHs that find that this thread applies to them would do well to read it. Not necessarily to follow it word for word, as Spaceghost clearly had a scenario where the children were grown and had financial stability, but certainly to read how he handled the sexual part of the affair.


I read that too - very decisive guy...a few of those BHs at that site could learn from him.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Whip Morgan said:


> Based on my memory, I don't recall SoSorry getting really brought to task by other WS on that board once Swat exposed her true feelings (meaning how much she loved cheating on him) by describing the journal. I remembered them essentially laying the blame on her being in the "fog." IMO, the fog is complete bull****. I understand the point some try to make by describing being in the fog, but unfortunately on SI people tend to blame everything on the fog, thus implying the WS has no control nor personal accountability.
> 
> Not everyone there, though. Can't consider all of SI as nonsense. I do believe there are some WS that truly "get it."
> 
> But with SoSorry, I do think people really bought her ****. She was in the "fog." I got banned because I simply posted several times to Swat that the affair never ended, because he caught them together at some bar or restaurant. Unfortunately, he and other SI posters bought her ****. Later, he got out of her that contact had continued, but I don't think he or other SI members truly understood the affair had continued. Even after the journal, it was blamed on the "Fog." Complete, utter nonsense.


The reasons most cheaters give is utter nonsense - they do it because they can, it feels good and it's a lot of fun. It only when they have to pay for their actions do they see the light. They are children.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Yes. We must have read different threads. She didn't fool me a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Didn't he end up divorcing her? And now she pines away for him?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Didn't he end up divorcing her? And now she pines away for him?


Yes. 

He got a job on another state. She and the kids moved to be with him and from her recent posts they have adjusted well. According to her SWAT is enjoying his new job and seems to be healing. 

SoSorry doent mention what she is doing. I imagine she's living off her trust fund. She doesn't mention pining for him, only doing a lot of "woe is me, I'm such a terrible person" talk. I think she pined away for him for the minimum amount of time that she felt she needed to to make everyone thinks she's not heartless. 

To me, everything she has done has been fueled by guilt and shame, not by true remorse or any real desire to affect real change within herself. I would not be surprised if she came back next month and reported that she has been dating new men. I don't think she is the kind of woman who can live without male validation. Now the SWAT is no longer providing that, she has to get her fix somewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Yes.
> 
> He got a job on another state. She and the kids moved to be with him and from her recent posts they have adjusted well. According to her SWAT is enjoying his new job and seems to be healing.
> 
> ...



That seems to fuel a lot of "remorseful" cheaters doesnt it?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SUnfortunately yes. 

If I understand the timeline correctly, SWAT filed for divorce back when he found out the first time that she was cheating. Tell me if I'm wrong because my memory is faulty. He let the divorce ride, giving her the opportunity to prove her remorse, then he found out about the journal and he decided to let it ride. When they told her parents he was going through with the divorce, her brother (SWAT's best friend) basically turned his back on SWAT , and then the mother-in-law called him scum for divorcing her daughter. 

Her whole family are dysfunctional enablers and it seemed they were half of SoSorry's problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I agree about the family, Bandit.

But I think she knew it too. I think that made following SWAT to Colorado that much easier.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> SUnfortunately yes.
> 
> If I understand the timeline correctly, SWAT filed for divorce back when he found out the first time that she was cheating. Tell me if I'm wrong because my memory is faulty. He let the divorce ride, giving her the opportunity to prove her remorse, then he found out about the journal and he decided to let it ride. When they told her parents he was going through with the divorce, her brother (SWAT's best friend) basically turned his back on SWAT , and then the mother-in-law called him scum for divorcing her daughter.
> 
> ...


That particular forum allows cheaters like sosorry to get away with it unchallenged which is not shocking since it was founded by a cheating wife.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> I agree about the family, Bandit.
> 
> But I think she knew it too. I think that made following SWAT to Colorado that much easier.


No doubt. 

It would be cool if she worked on herself in IC while SWAT plays the field a bit....gets his mojo back. Then maybe two or thee years down the road, after she has gotten her act together, maybe SWAT will feel safe enough to give her another chance

I don't think that will happen though. SoSorry will most likely throw her legs up for the first guy who tells her she's pretty, and SWAT will catch the eye of a younger husband-hunter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Truthseeker,

You wrote, *The reasons most cheaters give is utter nonsense - they do it because they can, it feels good and it's a lot of fun. It only when they have to pay for their actions do they see the light. They are children. *

Perhaps a bit more accurately they are adolescents acting like I did with my first girlfriend, we had fun together not a care in the world and we went home to our parents at the end of the day who cooked, cleaned and paid the bills. Except for cheater they have replace their parents with their spouses.

Tamat.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Truthseeker,
> 
> You wrote, *The reasons most cheaters give is utter nonsense - they do it because they can, it feels good and it's a lot of fun. It only when they have to pay for their actions do they see the light. They are children. *
> 
> ...


Great point - they are adolescents - drunk ones with the keys to their parents car - swerving all over the road until they kill someone...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> No doubt.
> 
> It would be cool if she worked on herself in IC while SWAT plays the field a bit....gets his mojo back. Then maybe two or thee years down the road, after she has gotten her act together, maybe SWAT will feel safe enough to give her another chance
> 
> I don't think that will happen though. *SoSorry will most likely throw her legs up for the first guy who tells her she's pretty*, and SWAT will catch the eye of a younger husband-hunter.


I've not even read through this thread and yet I'm pretty confident that this (in bold above) has already happened.

As for the rest of it, I'd advise the guy to put the remorseless slore in his rearview.

_Permanently._


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Since she seems a little slow on the uptake I would tell her

"Don't let the doorknob hit you in the A$$......

And give her a dictionary, and a map to the nearest door....

-------------> to door

DOOR: A door is a moving structure used to block off, and allow access to, an entrance to or within an enclosed space, such as a building.

DOOR KNOB: The term door knob refers to a round operating mechanism for a door.

A$$: A$$ is a vulgar term for the anus, or an insult derived from this meaning.


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