# Getting Close With Other Couples



## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

My boyfriend has three sets of really close married friends who are in his own age range. He is about 8 years older than I am. I have a good relationship with his friends and their wives.

Recently, however, another couple has come into the scene. The new couple's status as boyfriend and girlfriend is not clear. They may be FWB or good buddies or bf/gf. I'll call him M and her F. M and F are about 10 years younger than I am, and I am about 8 years younger than my bf. M came into our social circle because my boyfriend's good friend is good friends with M. 

I'm feeling insecure because F is younger than I am, single, very fit, attractive, intelligent, and athletic. My bf's gorgeous EX gf was also approximately 18 years younger than he is. My bf has commented on how strong F is. F is really fit and she likes to scuba dive just like my bf and his good friends do. I don't know how to scuba dive. To be honest, I'm scared about scuba diving and am not very interested in becoming a scuba diver. I also feel insecure about my body. I have had a couple of kids, and while I am not fat, I do not look as good in a bikini as F does. F is in her late 20s and doesn't have any children. I have not said anything to my bf about my insecurity over F. 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than 3 years, and have talked about buying a house together and being together forever, and we have a great relationship.

We're starting to hang out together more and more with M and F. My bf invited F and M to his house for a party this weekend and my bf also invited one other couple and their kids, and my parents and my kids and his kids as well. 

It's unattractive to display insecurity, I know. I'm looking for advice on how to handle my insecurity. 

Ladies, how would you handle feelings of insecurity?

Men, give me your take on how you would ideally like your spouse/SO to handle insecurity.

Everyone, have you ever experience getting close to another couple and had your SO leave you for him/her?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you don't have anything to worry about. Your bf has been with you and sounds like he is commited to a future with you. This other younger woman has a bf too, and as long as that's the case and she isn't hanging out with the group without him, I think she's safe.

Also, most couples do not share all the same interests and activities, so the scuba thing shouldn't be an issue.

For a while you may be hypersensitive to any attention your bf pays her, but I think in time you'll find there isnt' anything real behind it, and learn that he's into YOU.

Until recently, you were in the position this new woman is. Do you think the other wives/gfs may be insecure about your presence, being so much younger than them?


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I think you don't have anything to worry about. Your bf has been with you and sounds like he is commited to a future with you. This other younger woman has a bf too, and as long as that's the case and she isn't hanging out with the group without him, I think she's safe.
> 
> Also, most couples do not share all the same interests and activities, so the scuba thing shouldn't be an issue.
> 
> ...


M told my bf and I that M dated F for a little while and then M and F mutually decided that it wasn't a love match. A few months after M told my bf that, M started bringing F to social functions so I'm not sure whether M and F are dating or not or what their status is. 

Therefore, F may be just a single unattached woman who is coming with M to these social events as a friend. In fact, she answered my bf's email to all the guests for the party by herself and didn't say that she is going to the party with M. M has not responded yet and may or may not attend the party. F, however, has said that she will, and responded via email to my bf directly. 

Another difference is the wives are married and have been for a long time and have children together. My bf and I are not married and do not have kids together. We could break up at any time and there would be little ramifications in terms divorce or children. 

I feel wary about hangout with an unattached attractive younger single woman on a consistent basis with my boyfriend.

Am I thinking crazy?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> It's unattractive to display insecurity, I know. I'm looking for advice on how to handle my insecurity.
> 
> Ladies, how would you handle feelings of insecurity?
> 
> ...


I would not worry about what displaying your insecurity looks like, or about how men suggest you handle your insecurity. What is important is that you be as transparent about it as possible with your bf. Just be direct and clear. Don't worry about his reaction. 

I have not experienced what you are, but if your bf leaves you for any reason, take the attitude that you did not want him anyway. Relationships should not be very hard. You should not have to be policing him, or being careful who he is around. He needs to have enough integrity to remain faithful to you. You can't watch him all the time, anyway.

I think your best defense is, as Cynthia De was talking about in another thread, a strong emotional connection to him. And being transparent with him should help build that.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

jld said:


> I would not worry about what displaying your insecurity looks like, or about how men suggest you handle your insecurity. What is important is that you be as transparent about it as possible with your bf. Just be direct and clear. Don't worry about his reaction.
> 
> I have not experienced what you are, but if your bf leaves you for any reason, take the attitude that you did not want him anyway. Relationships should not be very hard. You should not have to be policing him, or being careful who he is around. He needs to have enough integrity to remain faithful to you. You can't watch him all the time, anyway.
> 
> I think your best defense is, as Cynthia De was talking about in another thread, a strong emotional connection to him. And being transparent with him should help build that.


If I'm transparent with my bf, and tell him that what I'm insecure about, what do you think he's going to do about it? 

I predict that he will say that I'm thinking crazy because he hasn't done anything wrong, and neither has she. 

Or, he will say that I don't trust him. 

Either way, I predict that I'll end up looking weak and pathetic, and when I see F at the party this weekend (because he can't uninvite her now) there will be a sense of tension between my bf and I. I hate looking weak and unconfident even if I feel that way. 

jld, am I correct in assuming by your response that you think that I am not entirely in the wrong for thinking the way I do? In other words, if a single, unattached, younger, fitter, intelligent and attractive woman was hanging out with you and your husband frequently, and your husband invited her to be included in your close social circles, would you not be wary about the situation? What would you suggest that your husband do?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> If I'm transparent with my bf, and tell him that what I'm insecure about, what do you think he's going to do about it?
> 
> I predict that he will say that I'm thinking crazy because he hasn't done anything wrong, and neither has she.
> 
> ...


Of course you are not wrong for thinking the way you do. And you are not wrong to feel insecure. I feel insecure. I think we all do. You are strong to admit it. 

I feel entirely secure in dh's faithfulness. I know, famous last words, but dh cheating would be like the Pope leaving the Catholic Church. Just unfathomable.

That said, it would not take much at all for me to feel completely inadequate around many other women. They would not have to be all the things you say. I have all kinds of insecurities, and I think dh has heard them all. And he is always reassuring me of the wonderful qualities I have, and how much he loves me, and how he could never replace me.

Those are the things I am expecting your bf to tell you, OP. That is what you should expect, too. He should reassure you, not get defensive or tell you you are crazy. You are not even close to crazy. And I am sure you are valuable to him. You seem like a very nice person. 

Are you scared to be transparent?

One more thing: Just use lots of "I" statements. This is not really about him, anyway. It is about you. And I don't mean that in a bad way. We _all_ have these insecurities. I want to stress that.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

loveadvice said:


> If I'm transparent with my bf, and tell him that what I'm insecure about, what do you think he's going to do about it?


Wow, *jld* has great advice.

I have not been as good about this as I should. But let me tell you that when I don't say things directly, I ALWAYS do stupid stuff like turn my back on him in bed and say "I'm tired...don't touch me"

Then we go through this admittedly stupid sequence of me denying that I am upset. Me denying his spot-on statement about what I am upset about. Then eventually coming around to talk about it - when I could have started from the beginning with "I saw what you downloaded today".

If this is a good guy, and really loves you, then in the presence of the hottest woman on the planet he is going to kiss your feet and make sure everyone knows you are the one. But if he disrespects you in front of her, then you know all you need to know.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> Therefore, F may be just a single unattached woman who is coming with M to these social events as a friend.
> ....
> I feel wary about hangout with an unattached attractive younger single woman on a consistent basis with my boyfriend.



Well then shouldn't your boyfriend *also* be wary about hanging out with an unattached single male (the friend "M")? Shouldn't he be just as concerned about you being attracted to M? Shouldn't he worry about M stealing you away?

You will probably say to yourself: "_of course not! I love my BF and I would never cheat on him_."

Well, I'm sure that's just what your boyfriend would say about you too! So why don't you give him the same trust and benefit of the doubt that you give to yourself? 




> _Am I thinking crazy?_


A little yes. And I don't mean that unkindly, but for your own good.

You're insecure that you will lose your boyfriend to some other woman. I can't guarantee that will never happen, but I can guarantee this - if you keep going down this road, your insecurity will lead to huge fights with your BF and you WILL lose him. Your own fears will do a better job of sabotaging your relationship than another woman ever could. I've seen plenty of people do that to themselves - including yours truly.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Try to talk to your bf in a calm manner about your feelings.

(without the other people around)

Do not show all of your insecurities, but do let him know what is on your mind. 

Many men are not good mind readers. You do need to tell him what you are thinking. You have a relationship with him and I think that he has a history with you. He should listen to your concerns and respond to these concerns.

I hope you have a talk with him soon.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

Thanks, everyone!

I couldn't help myself and took jld's advice and blurted out my insecurities to him about F tonight during our usual end-of-the-day call. I do feel much better now having told him about my insecurities, and his reaction was to say that he just wanted to invite a few friends and family over for a party. He thought M was dating F so he naturally invited F too. I admitted that I was overreacting but that I wanted to be honest about how I felt. 

I actually feel closer to my bf now after we had this talk.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Friendships like this are all about boundaries and transparency. Read up on emotional affairs here and learn the signs for inappropriate behavior. Make your boundaries clear to him and continue to be open like your last discussion.

I don't know how old you both are but I am in my 50s and like to climb. Most people who are I to climbing are 15-20 years younger than me. Several of my partners are women who are fit and younger than my wife. Does my wife feel insecure, probably but she projects confidence and keeps an eye on my relationships. Sure the women I climb with may be young and fit but they are not the woman I married. My wife is the woman I want and she trusts that but verifies that it does not get out of hand.

It's all about boundaries and transparency.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, if you think your boyfriend doesn't already know or sense your insecurities, you would be VERY wrong.

Trust me, he knows it. He senses it like dog senses fear.

Keep it cool, be nice to her and just smile.

If your boyfriend loves you, he will stay with you. If he pursue her, let it be, chances are you 2 were not meant to be together.

READ: try to deal with and handle you insecurities. Worries and fears are usually just that and nothing more. Chances are what you THINK will happen, will NEVER happen.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@loveadvise, how did you think your bf would respond to you telling him how insecure you felt about F??? "I think she's hot and want her around as eye candy", or "she's hot and we have a lot in common"? No, he's going to say exactly what he said because he's smart.

Do you have young, hot single male friends that the two of you hang out with? Would he allow it or is this a one way street? I understand that you are dating/living together for a few years but shouldn't boundaries be in place by now or do you let whatever happen and just silently deal with it?

The situation makes you uncomfortable for a reason so don't ignore it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

bobbieb65 said:


> @loveadvise, how did you think your bf would respond to you telling him how insecure you felt about F??? "I think she's hot and want her around as eye candy", or "she's hot and we have a lot in common"? No, he's going to say exactly what he said because he's smart.


That's awfully paranoid. I think there should be signs of cheating *before* you pull out the weapons. 



> _Do you have young, hot single male friends that the two of you hang out with? Would he allow it or is this a one way street? _


Why are so many people only seeing one side of this situation? There *is* a single male friend hanging around, the one the OP called "M". And the OP's boyfriend is obviously totally OK with it, because he invited him along. 



> _I understand that you are dating/living together for a few years but shouldn't boundaries be in place by now or do you let whatever happen and just silently deal with it?_


Exactly what boundary are you suggesting they put in place? "Our friends aren't allowed to have any attractive single female friends because it makes me insecure?" That boundary?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I think a big issue is the question of what kind of relationship do M and F have? Are they dating? If not, then your husband wanting F to attend parties, etc would be something to be concerned with. You've already identified that they have things in common, and she's attractive, so I'd keep a close watch. That is, without being obvious about it or appearing insecure.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Theseus said:


> That's awfully paranoid. I think there should be signs of cheating *before* you pull out the weapons.
> Wait for signs of cheating instead of protecting the relationship:scratchhead:
> 
> 
> ...


The boundaries, whatever they need be in their case...she's not comfortable with this particular single female friend of his and there's a reason for that. She might see chemistry between them and that would be cause for alarm.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

loveadvice said:


> M told my bf and I that M dated F for a little while and then M and F mutually decided that it wasn't a love match. A few months after M told my bf that, M started bringing F to social functions so I'm not sure whether M and F are dating or not or what their status is.
> 
> Therefore, F may be just a single unattached woman who is coming with M to these social events as a friend. In fact, she answered my bf's email to all the guests for the party by herself and didn't say that she is going to the party with M. M has not responded yet and may or may not attend the party. F, however, has said that she will, and responded via email to my bf directly.
> 
> ...


I think in this situation I would be worried. You do mention that you have been together for three years and did not mention any plans to get married. Your bf could well be trying to put himself in a situation where he can just be with the most attractive woman he can find at the time and if he can get away without getting married, why do so? Like you mention he has no marriage commitment to you other than saying he wants to stay with you. That works out well for him because he can have you while scoping out other women he could dump you for. Have you ever asked him about marriage? I would hesitate getting the house with him unless you get married. It doesn't seem to me that he wants to if you let him have the option saying with you without marriage.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

bobbieb65 said:


> Wait for signs of cheating instead of protecting the relationship :scratchhead:


Yes. In our society, we generally have a presumption of innocence until proven otherwise. 

A shopkeeper waits for signs of shoplifting before they protect their store by locking people up. A doctor looks for signs of illness *before* doing invasive or risky surgery. 

Trying to "fix" a relationship that isn't even broken yet isn't going to help anything, and in fact, will make it worse. 



> _The boundaries, whatever they need be in their case...she's not comfortable with this particular single female friend of his and there's a reason for that. She might see chemistry between them and that would be cause for alarm._


But the reason for that isn't because this woman has been flirting with her boyfriend or that her boyfriend has a roving eye. That is the crucial difference you (and some others) are missing. The only reason she's not comfortable is that this woman is attractive and younger than her. That's it. So unless we get different information, the only problem here is the OP's insecurity, and that's the only thing that needs to be fixed.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

OP –

jld gives excellent advice.

However I’d like to add some of my own, from a man’s perspective. 

Indeed, you are not “wrong” to feel what you feel. It’s what you DO with that feeling that matters.

You are feeling defensive, threatened. You believe that woman is superior to you, and your man has made a complimentary remark towards her, regardless of how meaningful it was or wasn’t. So the best defense is a good offense. 

So what you do when that woman is around is be your BEST self. Gear yourself up to display your best, most positive qualities. Confidence, humor, happy, silly, flirty, fun, etc. Whatever your natural strong suits are, don’t try too hard or it will come off as awkward. Just relax and be your best, be positive and unaffected, as if everything amuses you, nothing rattles you. Let yourself shine. You are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful woman with tremendous attractive qualities I have no doubt, I can tell just from your writing, and there are many men who would love to get to know you and treat you right. Feel that confidence within and use it to energize yourself.

In those situations, I strongly suggest flirting with your man but that’s your call. Grab his butt when no one is looking, or when no one appears to be looking. Whisper something naughty in his ear that you plan to do to him later (so long as you plan to follow through…with enthusiasm. We all know the way to a man’s heart  Remind him why he has no reason to desire anyone but you). Make teasing jokes with him, about the décor of the place you are at or what some doofus is wearing or whatever, inside jokes and comments that you two can share. The kinds of things that demonstrate (to him and to anyone in the vicinity) that you two have a fun, hot, connected, romantic relationship. Again, do these things tactfully and tastefully at your discretion. Obviously use your judgment depending upon the class of people and the scene, but I think you get my drift. Let your man see you at your best, and keep his attention coming back to what a fun and connected relationship you two have.

I want to reiterate to be yourself above all. You mention the scuba diving. Don’t ever try to be something you are not, simply to try to please someone else. If you’re just anxious and on the fence about something that’s one thing, maybe take a chance once in a while. But if you are certain it’s not “you”, then don’t feel bad about saying no. If someone doesn’t recognize the value you have, and would leave you because someone else has more common interests, then it wasn’t meant to be. You deserve someone who appreciates YOU for who you are. Someone who values you just the way you are, regardless of your physical shape or your interests or anything else. There are always going to be people younger, more physically fit, smarter, etc. just as there are people older, in worse physical shape, less intelligent, etc. 

So be YOU, be the best YOU that you can be for yourself, and don’t be ashamed of it. A real man, the man you deserve, will value and appreciate YOU, the real you, above anyone else. Hopefully it’s the guy you are with. But if not, that man is still out there and you will find him, so long as you keep your head up and be the best person you can be. That’s all any of us can do.

My thoughts, for what they are worth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

justtryin said:


> I want to reiterate to be yourself above all. You mention the scuba diving. Don’t ever try to be something you are not, simply to try to please someone else. If you’re just anxious and on the fence about something that’s one thing, maybe take a chance once in a while. But if you are certain it’s not “you”, then don’t feel bad about saying no. If someone doesn’t recognize the value you have, and would leave you because someone else has more common interests, then it wasn’t meant to be. You deserve someone who appreciates YOU for who you are. Someone who values you just the way you are, regardless of your physical shape or your interests or anything else. There are always going to be people younger, more physically fit, smarter, etc. just as there are people older, in worse physical shape, less intelligent, etc.
> 
> So be YOU, be the best YOU that you can be for yourself, and don’t be ashamed of it. A real man, the man you deserve, will value and appreciate YOU, the real you, above anyone else. Hopefully it’s the guy you are with. But if not, that man is still out there and you will find him, so long as you keep your head up and be the best person you can be. That’s all any of us can do.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My SO is an avid diver and I am not. It's not my thing - it's his thing, and he's passionate about it, but he doesn't make me feel like an outcast of some kind because I don't share the passion that he and the other divers we meet feel.

But, there's nothing wrong with island vacations! And I like to snorkel and swim, so there are plenty of things I can do while he's on the dive boat, which certainly isn't 24/7. 

And, truth be told, while my SO would love it if I wanted to dive, he also loves that I'm an intelligent, capable, responsible girly-girl...it's the girly girl he's attracted to and wants to snuggle with, along with my other qualities. Even more so, he loves that I love and appreciate HIM for who he is.

Point being, as *justtrying* said, don't be insecure about who you are, or feel "less than" just because you don't dive. Be yourself, and be confident in who you are. The right man for you will appreciate you for who you are instead of wishing you were somebody else.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Let me address the 'not looking as good in a bikini' insecurity. So what? Wear a sexy one-piece and tie a cute sarong around your waist. Way sexier than a bikini. Plus it covers any cellulite on the thighs. 

I would imagine your bf got tired of girlfriends 18 years younger than him a long time ago. Dang, he's old enough to be their dad.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I think in this situation I would be worried. You do mention that you have been together for three years and did not mention any plans to get married. Your bf could well be trying to put himself in a situation where he can just be with the most attractive woman he can find at the time and if he can get away without getting married, why do so? Like you mention he has no marriage commitment to you other than saying he wants to stay with you. That works out well for him because he can have you while scoping out other women he could dump you for. Have you ever asked him about marriage? I would hesitate getting the house with him unless you get married. It doesn't seem to me that he wants to if you let him have the option saying with you without marriage.


We do have plans to get married. 

I did raise some of those issues with him that you said in your post. He said that he has a connection with me and that women are not interchangeable. 

I do agree with you that the most conservative approach would be to be married prior to living with him. I think I would be okay with being engaged and living together. I'm not in a hurry to get married.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

bobbieb65 said:


> The boundaries, whatever they need be in their case...she's not comfortable with this particular single female friend of his and there's a reason for that. She might see chemistry between them and that would be cause for alarm.


Theseus is right. My bf and F haven't been flirting or acting inappropriately. It's just my insecurity. I'm trying to control my insecurity. For the most part, my insecurity lies in that I know that I need to hit the gym, and feel insecure about my body. I have been hitting the gym again lately and have been feeling better about myself.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

bobbieb65 said:


> @loveadvise, how did you think your bf would respond to you telling him how insecure you felt about F??? "I think she's hot and want her around as eye candy", or "she's hot and we have a lot in common"? No, he's going to say exactly what he said because he's smart.
> 
> Do you have young, hot single male friends that the two of you hang out with? Would he allow it or is this a one way street? I understand that you are dating/living together for a few years but shouldn't boundaries be in place by now or do you let whatever happen and just silently deal with it?
> 
> The situation makes you uncomfortable for a reason so don't ignore it.


It's funny. 

I told my bf exactly what you said BEFORE I read your post. 

I'm glad I told him everything I was thinking. 

My bf DIDN'T invite F as a single woman to the party. My bf thought, maybe incorrectly, that M and F are dating so he invited both. My bf told me that since only F responded to his invite, maybe he shouldn't have done what he did because it puts M in an awkward position. M is the close friend of my bf's close friend.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> We do have plans to get married.
> 
> I did raise some of those issues with him that you said in your post. *He said that he has a connection with me and that women are not interchangeable. *
> 
> I do agree with you that the most conservative approach would be to be married prior to living with him. I think I would be okay with being engaged and living together. I'm not in a hurry to get married.


Sounds like a good man, OP.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

From my similar personal experience with this:

My wife's best friend is one of the most likeable people I've ever met. She is incredibly attractive, single, fun, has many interests (of which she and I share quite a few that my wife and I do not). I enjoy hanging out with her a lot (with my wife present, of course).

On paper, we're a good match, and I think everybody around notices that.

Here's the thing - I have no interest in her in that way and vice versa. And it's not because I'm married, or that I'm married to her best friend. The attraction between us is on a completely friendly level. I genuinely think that if we were both single, nothing would happen. It's a case of two people (who happen to be opposite sex) just clicking. I have male friends like that as well.

It does happen, but I do agree it can be a dangerous situation within a marriage. In mine, I trust myself, my wife trusts me, and we both trust her friend, so it works. I don't feel an ounce of danger, and I don't believe either of them do, either. HOWEVER, I do find that I have to watch myself from time to time and ensure that my wife isn't left behind, especially when there are other people around who might view things differently than they are. This is also true when I'm around some of my guy friends, but it's more in the back of my mind in this case.

Here's where it gets tricky - my wife is incredibly attractive, sexy, fun, intelligent, etc. Her friend is - as far as social standards go - likely viewed as more in all categories. My wife turns heads from time to time; her friend turns heads all the time. Although my wife genuinely likes and loves her, there is a very slight air of jealousy. Only noticeable to those of us around them. Not anything that would end their friendship, but we all have friends like that, including me.

So in OP's case, it might simply be that. She's younger, fitter, shares interests with OP's BF, etc. She's attractive to him, but it may not be in "that" way. Us guys can feel that way about other guys, too. It doesn't always have to be sexual, or romantic. But it sure doesn't help that in my case, and OP's, the object of this (probably platonic) attraction is a woman. It can be tricky, but as long as there's trust in all parties, it's all good.


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