# The dynamics of quickies for marriages with mismatched drives?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

One of the things that virtually never occurs in my marriage are quickies. I'll admit that I likely have too many personality traits of wanting to feel emotionally connected to my wife and insure that she is emotionally connected to me in order for physical intimacy to proceed. Otherwise I feel guilty and she complains of feeling "used." 

However my wife recently mentioned the idea of us trying to do the occasional quickie as a way to help balance out our drives for one another. She went into detail describing how she would need for it to happen, which essentially would be for the purpose of knowing that she can easily please me, and relieve any building performance anxiety she gets from feeling pressured knowing that I am wanting/waiting to be with her. She says that it would be important for quickies to be seldom as she admits she NEEDS an emotional connection with me and for things to be relaxed and mutually enjoyable most of the time.

While I am hesitant to partake in such an offer, I do see some potential that it could relieve some of her anxieties and improve our overall marriage. She does need to feel me satisfied and content sometimes as opposed to me always having a building desire in the background.

So for those couples out there that have experience with quickies, would you mind sharing how they are both beneficial and/or detrimental to a marriage? I feel like I could do quickies and enjoy them, but I know they also seem like a double edged sword that likely require a great deal of respect for it to be beneficial to a marriage. 

Thanks for your feedback! I'll also add a poll as I've seen many different opinions on this topic.

Badsanta


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My W and I do quickies. Usually in the morning and simply manual manipulation. My W likes kissing to get her going so some morning it is teeth brushing for a 15 minute quickie. Sometimes my W will take care of my business unannounced. It is a quick one in the morning. Imagine if you would watching your favorite show in the morning and your W rubbing your business to completion. Oh yes, and cup of coffee beside. Life is good! I reciprocate if the W is so inclined for a quickie. She however has tea. 

Quickies...always say yes ma'am!


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Our drives are pretty equal, and we have quickies often!
Early in the morning during the week, and if one of us has an urge, we do _something!_
Might be just something for me, like a HJ, and a quick buzzzzzz for her, but often a quick 'man on top get it done' thing. 

What it usually does, is get us thinking about it the rest of the day, and then that evening, we get 'more serious'!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm not sure how it would go in your marriage because of the built in mismatch, but hopefully it can be something you two can work out.

For me, in a good sexual relationship, quickies occur regularly, but less often than non-quickies. In my current relationship when we can sometimes have sex over 10 times in a week, probably 4 of those would be quickies. In a relationship where I could only have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a week, I would be unlikely to want any of those times to be a quickie, unless it would be by adding a 3rd or 4th time.

Some quickies aren't so quick. Some even turn into long love making sessions because the passion is so high we can't stop, even if we originally intended to. Other quickies are truly 5 minutes or less. Usually a super quick one like that just leaves us horny for more, so we end up having longer sex shortly after like later in the evening or the next morning.

I really like giving a great HJ, so that's one of the ways I love having a quickie...just giving him a HJ and this makes him so horny that later he rocks my world.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

How do you define a quickie? 

Some people think anything less than 30 minutes is a quickie. Others think 2 minutes is a quickie. Step 1, make sure you and your wife are on the same page with the definition. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> Some quickies aren't so quick. Some even turn into long love making sessions because the passion is so high we can't stop, even if we originally intended to.


That's a fact!
We decided to have a quickie one Saturday before we headed out to have lunch.
Ended up having dinner when we were done!!
>


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I can't answer because I think the question misses the biggest problem. If you have a LD/HD marraige, often the LD person as absolutely no interest in "quickies". It is sort of fundamental to a mismatch in drives that the LD person wants less sex, quickies included. 

So as the HD, I'd be happy if my wife wanted quickies - not nearly as good as a full lovemaking session but much better than nothing. But she has absolutely no interest in doing that.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> How do you define a quickie?
> 
> Some people think anything less than 30 minutes is a quickie. Others think 2 minutes is a quickie. Step 1, make sure you and your wife are on the same page with the definition.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


She mentioned 10 minutes.


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

We know a couple, that he is HD and she is LD.
She told my wife, that she basically 'beats him off' all the time, to shut him up, and to get him to leave her alone. 
Seems like a real bum deal, if it was me, but they have been married for over 30 years, so it must work. Guess he'll take what he can get.

:|


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I can't answer because I think the question misses the biggest problem. If you have a LD/HD marraige, often the LD person as absolutely no interest in "quickies". It is sort of fundamental to a mismatch in drives that the LD person wants less sex, quickies included.
> 
> So as the HD, I'd be happy if my wife wanted quickies - not nearly as good as a full lovemaking session but much better than nothing. But she has absolutely no interest in doing that.


But a HD/LD match is ok if the LD partner understand the HD half of the marriage enjoys a quickie to satiate the need. 

As I had written in my post my W understands I like a quickie hj and my W will do that for me with no strings attached. In fact, she enjoys it. After my quickie we start our day. As a result, when it comes to her good time I assure she has one hell of a good time.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> For me, in a good sexual relationship, quickies occur regularly, but less often than non-quickies. In my current relationship when we can sometimes have sex over 10 times in a week, probably 4 of those would be quickies. *In a relationship where I could only have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a week, I would be unlikely to want any of those times to be a quickie, unless it would be by adding a 3rd or 4th time.*


We have discussed frequency and she admits to pushing herself for me to be more active, and I admit to reserving myself to be less active so that we can hopefully find a nice compromise. 

Like you, I would be hesitant that she may be more likely to replace one opportunity for serious intimacy in favor of something quick. But when discussing this topic she did hint that our sex life could be much better and more frequent if we could work out for this to happen. 

Nonetheless she has her limitations and as you stated that quickies should occur less often than non quickies. So I think this is something she envisions as being in addition to our established routines, but that I can't expect for the quickie to also turn into a moment that is long and elaborate. 

Badsanta


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It depends on the level of the mismatch an whether the LD recognizes / understands the HD's desires / needs. 

In my case my wife doesn't believe my desires for sex are reasonable, so she sees no reason to provide a quickie. It sounds like other people (men and women) here are in a similar situation. 

If its a mild mismatch and the LD is willing to help, then I think quickies can be great. 




Yeswecan said:


> But a HD/LD match is ok if the LD partner understand the HD half of the marriage enjoys a quickie to satiate the need.
> 
> As I had written in my post my W understands I like a quickie hj and my W will do that for me with no strings attached. In fact, she enjoys it. After my quickie we start our day. As a result, when it comes to her good time I assure she has one hell of a good time.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I have come to detest quickies. My wife has very little interest in anything other than straight up PiV. She hates foreplay for either of us. Just jump on and jump off. 

They have their place in a relationship, certainly. But a steady diet of it is just awful.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sex with someone who's goal is to "get it finished" is no fun at all, and I've decided really not worth it. 

Quickies can be fun if they are mixed with real love making and are viewed as quick additional fun, not an efficient way to do a chore.







Fozzy said:


> I have come to detest quickies. My wife has very little interest in anything other than straight up PiV. She hates foreplay for either of us. Just jump on and jump off.
> 
> They have their place in a relationship, certainly. But a steady diet of it is just awful.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

badsanta said:


> She mentioned 10 minutes.


This is why I asked. 10 -15 minutes of actual physical contact is pretty normal for us but we're compatible that way. 

From experience, you can do alot in 10 minutes. Just saying. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

uhtred said:


> It depends on the level of the mismatch an whether the LD recognizes / understands the HD's desires / needs.
> 
> In my case my wife doesn't believe my desires for sex are reasonable, so she sees no reason to provide a quickie. It sounds like other people (men and women) here are in a similar situation.
> 
> If its a mild mismatch and the LD is willing to help, then I think quickies can be great.


In my situation I'm not really a mismatch(mild maybe as you put it) and if I ask for a quick handy I'm sure to get one. I reciprocate if asked or simply just dig right in. Sometimes(almost every night/morning) my W just plays with the thing while we are in bed watching TV. For some reason it relaxes her. She will recognize that 99% of the time I'm at the point of no return and finishes the job. She is relaxed. I get a great handy. Life is awesome. 

It is my one best hope that other married couples would have a similar sexual relationship with their spouse. Perhaps it is part of a spouse saying, "I would do anything for you." My W is at that point after 21 years. But...she will do anything within reason and I respect that. I respect my W.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> In my situation I'm not really a mismatch(mild maybe as you put it) and if I ask for a quick handy I'm sure to get one. I reciprocate if asked or simply just dig right in. Sometimes(almost every night/morning) my W just plays with the thing while we are in bed watching TV. For some reason it relaxes her. She will recognize that 99% of the time I'm at the point of no return and finishes the job. She is relaxed. I get a great handy. Life is awesome.
> 
> It is my one best hope that other married couples would have a similar sexual relationship with their spouse. Perhaps it is part of a spouse saying, "I would do anything for you." My W is at that point after 21 years. But...she will do anything within reason and I respect that. I respect my W.


No sh!t life is awesome.:surprise:


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Middle of Everything said:


> No sh!t life is awesome.:surprise:


Truth be told it was really strange how this happened. My W likes to manipulate in her hand of all things...Silly Putty. It relaxes her. Similar to those chrome metal balls some manipulate in their hands as a relaxation tool. Watching TV squeezing Silly Putty relaxes my W. One day I said my ding-a-ling is much more fun to manipulate for relaxation. My W tried it. There is no longer any Silly Puddy in the bedroom! :grin2: 

My W always told me that sex in the marriage is not the only thing in a marriage but a good part of the marriage. She has not proven herself wrong in that statement. 

And God love her mama for saying to my W after we got married, "Be a lady in the parlor and wh0re in the bedroom." I love my mother-in-law.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> This is why I asked. 10 -15 minutes of actual physical contact is pretty normal for us but we're compatible that way.
> *
> From experience, you can do alot in 10 minutes. Just saying. *
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


That is what I was thinking too! If I can learn how to better manage foreplay outside the bedroom in ways that she enjoys it, then it does seem to open up a great deal of possibilities. 

Badsanta


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Exactly!


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


----------



## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I wish we'd have more quickies to be honest. We'd probably have sex more often. We already have it 2-3 times a week. But sometimes I just want to give H a quick BJ before work or something. Which always ends up being way longer and I end up late for work. H likes long sessions and to build up as much as possible.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Quickies can be fun, and we have them from time to time. But IME the orgasms are usually much inferior, and too much of this kind of sex would leave me frustrated, annoyed, and ultimately feeling turned off.


----------



## NikB (Nov 16, 2016)

I have a love/hate relationship with quickies. 4 out of 5 times me and H have sex it's a quickie. Jump on jump off and done. 2-3 minutes. H has sex for the O and I have sex for the intimacy and connection with him. 
Maybe once every 7-10 days do we have ok-fun-somewhat fulfilling sex that pleases me. Leaves me frustrated and annoyed also. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wild jade said:


> Quickies can be fun, and we have them from time to time. But IME the *orgasms are usually much inferior*, and too much of this kind of sex *would leave me frustrated, annoyed, and ultimately feeling turned off*.





NikB said:


> I have a love/hate relationship with quickies. 4 out of 5 times me and H have sex it's a quickie. Jump on jump off and done. 2-3 minutes. *H has sex for the O* and I have sex for the intimacy and connection with him.
> Maybe once every 7-10 days do we have ok-fun-somewhat fulfilling sex that pleases me. *Leaves me frustrated and annoyed* also.


This is the dynamic of quickies that scares me. BUT since my wife and I have never purposely done quickies, I have to imagine that they could be useful since instances would be rare. My wife has always preached to me that "it is about quality and not quantity" to which I do agree. We BOTH need the strong emotional connection and that is the part that takes time. Also we both sometimes need our personal space which I have to imagine during those moments for her that she does not want the anxiety of knowing that I am desiring her to interfere with her personal time away from me.

Unlike most couples, my wife and I share the same career and work side by side all day. My "work wife" actually is my real wife. THIS creates an unusual dynamic when it comes to our personal space. Because we share the same career, much of our "quality time" together outside of work hours ends up being encroached by unavoidable discussions about project deadlines and work problems that we need to help each other solve. Therefore sometimes our only escape from everything is to help each other enjoy personal space while we are apart. Obviously she can't enjoy that space if she perceives for any reason that I am wanting to be with her during that time but I am sacrificing those feelings for her benefit. Then on the flip side of that, it can be hard to establish a strong emotional connection needed for physical intimacy after having spent the whole day together and not having had enough personal space to decompress from daily stress. 

So put quickies into that scenario (her suggestion) and I think for us it would be about facilitating/advocating for better personal space. This would allow her to enjoy knowing that she keeps me happy in our marriage while we are out doing our own things. She knows I do A LOT to keep her happy in our marriage, and I know she does A LOT to keep me happy (many of those things are not discussed on TAM). As most people can imagine that being coworkers and spouses while maintaining that for over 20 years in a loving and respectful way can be seriously challenging. We never get to come home from work and ask each other "how was your day" because we just shared that whole experience together. At the end of the day just knowing she wants me to be happy with all aspects of our marriage and that she is always willing to work on that actually does mean a lot to me. That is why I love her like no other person in the world. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

NikB said:


> I have a love/hate relationship with quickies. 4 out of 5 times me and H have sex it's a quickie. Jump on jump off and done. 2-3 minutes. H has sex for the O and I have sex for the intimacy and connection with him.
> Maybe once every 7-10 days do we have ok-fun-somewhat fulfilling sex that pleases me. Leaves me frustrated and annoyed also.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Our quickies are not a substitute for long love making. Just something else we do. 
Most often just spontaneous things, and targets of opportunity.  They seem to be more fun, for both of us, when they are surprises!
If you are counting, whether it's quickies or the 'real deal', maybe you are not doing either or both often enough? 
(Coming from a HD couple)


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> It depends on the level of the mismatch an whether the LD recognizes / understands the HD's desires / needs.
> 
> In my case my wife doesn't believe my desires for sex are reasonable, so she sees no reason to provide a quickie. It sounds like other people (men and women) here are in a similar situation.
> 
> If its a mild mismatch and the LD is willing to help, then I think quickies can be great.


This ^

My wife is an all or nothing kind of person, so quickies, for us/her, don't occur because there's no time, or as an 'extra' throughout the week, or for my benefit. Instead, it's what she actually wants at the time (which is fine, sometimes quick and hard is good), but as I said, it's not a 'bonus session'.

Same with HJ's or BJ's - they don't happen. There's really no desire or interest in my needs when I'm in the mood.

The funny thing is, she recognizes this and actually seems to understand where I'm coming from, and agrees it's not 'fair', yet nothing changes. If she's not in the mood, then it's not on her mind at all. Back in the day, I'd ask, or hint - and not in a demanding or degrading way, yet the response was almost always the same. I can count on one hand (no pun intended) I've received stand-alone anything.

We had an in-depth discussion about it many years ago, and it solved nothing, and even probably confused me more. Her general response was that if she wasn't getting anything and it's one-sided, she had no interest. So I said don't worry, I'll take care of you, too (either at that time, or a later date, for example) and it'll balance out. Nope.

So for some people, it's literally all or nothing. If she's not in the mood, and flat out refuses to GET in the mood, nothing will happen. She recognizes this, too, the one-sidedness of it all, that sex is, quite literally, on her terms, her schedule, and she won't even allow herself to get turned on with short notice, on-the-fly, whatever.

It's a good thing the sex is good when we have it...


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This has always been difficult for me to understand. My wife won't do anything as a stand-alone favor - ever. What is even more mysterious, if she doesn't feel like sex (almost always) but we at cuddling (which she enjoys) she will sometimes stop be because she is starting to get aroused and doesn't want to. (???)






alexm said:


> This ^
> snip
> 
> So for some people, it's literally all or nothing. If she's not in the mood, and flat out refuses to GET in the mood, nothing will happen. She recognizes this, too, the one-sidedness of it all, that sex is, quite literally, on her terms, her schedule, and she won't even allow herself to get turned on with short notice, on-the-fly, whatever.
> ...


----------



## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> . But when discussing this topic she did hint that our sex life could be much better and more frequent if we could work out for this to happen.
> Badsanta


Huh?? You don't think this all might have something to do with your earlier thread about her "fantasy"? Seems like a great place to start to me.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Randy2 said:


> Huh?? You don't think this all might have something to do with your earlier thread about her "fantasy"? Seems like a great place to start to me.


I have wondered that too! 

When I asked about what her idea of a great quickie would be, here eyes perked up and she started going into some rather unexpected details (which I am not going to share here)! Given that it is something we have never done and that most couples do seem advocate that quickies can be helpful, I do think it is possible. Would have never thought it as it seems so simple, but usually the simple ideas are the best ones...


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Would have never thought it as it seems so simple, but usually the simple ideas are the best ones...


Our experience, the simple things are the ones we do over & over again! The complex, usually are either one shot deals, or something we may try again, but not often.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I have wondered that too!
> 
> When I asked about what her idea of a great quickie would be, here eyes perked up and she started going into some rather unexpected details (which I am not going to share here)! Given that it is something we have never done and that most couples do seem advocate that quickies can be helpful, I do think it is possible. Would have never thought it as it seems so simple, but usually the simple ideas are the best ones...


Quickies aren't a big deal, which is the whole point.

You simply start kissing your wife then walk her towards a lounge chair or a table or bed of appropriate height. Bend her over, lift her dress or skirt or pull her pants down (whichever is required), then pull her undies aside (if she's wearing any). Insert A into B, have at it, finish then readjust underwear pull up pants etc then immediately get on with your day.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Personal said:


> Quickies aren't a big deal, which is the whole point.
> 
> You simply start kissing your wife then walk her towards a lounge chair or a table or bed of appropriate height. Bend her over, lift her dress or skirt or pull her pants down (whichever is required), then pull her undies aside (if she's wearing any). Insert A into B, have at it, finish then readjust underwear pull up pants etc then immediately get on with your day.


OMG the mental image of that kind of comes across the way a comedian described how sex happens throughout the animal kingdom. He said imagine being a giraffe and all the sudden you feel your butt shaking, and you glance back to discover you are about to start having sex. Then after a few moments, you go about your day as if nothing!


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> OMG the mental image of that kind of comes across the way a comedian described how sex happens throughout the animal kingdom. He said imagine being a giraffe and all the sudden you feel your butt shaking, and you glance back to discover you are about to start having sex. Then after a few moments, you go about your day as if nothing!


That's the whole point of quickies, it is quick no long foreplay and no long after cuddling.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Personal said:


> Quickies aren't a big deal, which is the whole point.
> 
> You simply start kissing your wife then walk her towards a lounge chair or a table or bed of appropriate height. Bend her over, lift her dress or skirt or pull her pants down (whichever is required), then pull her undies aside (if she's wearing any). Insert A into B, have at it, finish then readjust underwear pull up pants etc then immediately get on with your day.


What turns me off in this description is that it seems like it's all about the man and only he gets off. No good! Not fair!


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Randy2 said:


> Huh?? You don't think this all might have something to do with your earlier thread about her "fantasy"? Seems like a great place to start to me.


We discussed this topic again recently and I tried asking more about her fantasies. Quickies are NOT part of any of her fantasies, it is just something that she would be willing to do for me because I have been working hard on our marriage to improve many things (many of which are not discussed on TAM), and she wants to help make that work rewarding for me. 

She admits that increasing the frequency of sex in our marriage to more than what we do now would likely be difficult for her, but that she thinks that quickies would possibly be a way to "try." 

As for the other thread on her "fantasy" that she refuses to tell me about, I think she was just messing with my head.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are some women who can get off quickly under the right conditions, not sure how many. Likely though for most PIV isn't the best way, but it may take very different things for different women. Maybe we need a "quickies for women" discussion.....

I guess the alternative is that anytime there is a quickie for the man, that evening he needs to pay her back.



wild jade said:


> What turns me off in this description is that it seems like it's all about the man and only he gets off. No good! Not fair!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I absolutely hate "quickie sex!"

I just greatly prefer and adore the naturally long, slow route!*


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

wild jade said:


> What turns me off in this description is that it seems like it's all about the man and only he gets off. No good! Not fair!


It's not Mills and Boon and it works for my wife and has worked for a number of other sexual partners as well. Who inclusive of my wife for the most part, quite readily and easily orgasm from PIV sex.

Nowhere did I say the man only gets off.


----------



## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Both over 30 mins and quickies are fantastic. I wish I can do it every other day. Work, life, children, money issues usually cause love making wain. Find a way to get energy.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> One of the things that virtually never occurs in my marriage are quickies. I'll admit that I likely have too many personality traits of wanting to feel emotionally connected to my wife and insure that she is emotionally connected to me in order for physical intimacy to proceed. Otherwise I feel guilty and she complains of feeling "used."
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Quickies can be a life saver. When our one year old takes a nap while my wife has to prepare dinner & pick up the toys and million other tasks and we only have 10 minutes in a half. Since she can come fairly quickly & reliably from PIV, she does get pleasure out of them as well.

I can also see a benefit for a LD/HD couple where it's not such a strain for the LD side. However some will argue "but where is no emotional connection". 

I think a balance of all kinds of sex is the answer, including occasional quickies. What's good about quickies is not only the spare of the moment aspect but also the fact that you can do them anywhere & discover new "locations" you never thought suitable before; stairs, kitchen hobs (don't have them on!), gym equipment, grand pianos, vacuum cleaners, garden sheds, on top of ski instructor etc (ok last one is controversial).

As always, it works best when both are into it; if it's 'duty sex' for one half, then I wouldn't take it. In those cases, bj's are better (if there is no other way).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I have wondered that too!
> 
> 
> 
> When I asked about what her idea of a great quickie would be, here eyes perked up and she started going into some rather unexpected details (which I am not going to share here)! Given that it is something we have never done and that most couples do seem advocate that quickies can be helpful, I do think it is possible. Would have never thought it as it seems so simple, but usually the simple ideas are the best ones...



I have a feeling (forgive me if I'm wrong) from reading some of your posts and the style of your sex life is that your wife would like you to be more in control and "just take her" sometimes. Some women love giving up control and go into submission while the man "takes advantage" (that doesn't mean you are disrespecting them; it's more of a game). It may not come naturally so perhaps requires a bit of practice. But there might be a "mild" sexual mis match and an expressed need for a quickie" may be that symptom.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> As always, it works best when both are into it; if it's 'duty sex' for one half, then I wouldn't take it.


*That is a catch 22!*

If she offers it without me asking (just because she wants to please me and she is obviously not in the mood herself), then turning it down would be rejecting her.

If I ask and she is willing to do it (just because she wants to please me and she is obviously not in the mood herself), then turning it down would be rejecting her.

We have actually discussed those dynamics, and in the past I too have turned down those opportunities thinking it was duty sex to wait for her to be in the mood. But I am now finding that causes two problems. She admits to feeling rejected (did not find this out until years later), AND it puts more anxiety on her that she feels like she HAS to enjoy herself orgasmically or else I will get upset. 

I no longer turn down duty sex, although it does not happen often and I am very respectful of it. More often than not, I'm finding it to be very beneficial for her as she does enjoy pleasing me, and she actually ends up in the mood and enjoying herself more than me most of the times. We have still not purposely done a quickie, but I am becoming more open to the idea. 

I asked her if a quickie could be planned, and she said, "no way!" So whatever this idea of hers is, she wants to be in control of it, and kind of surprise me with one or something. 

Badsanta


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

uhtred said:


> There are some women who can get off quickly under the right conditions, not sure how many. Likely though for most PIV isn't the best way, but it may take very different things for different women. Maybe we need a "quickies for women" discussion.....
> 
> I guess the alternative is that anytime there is a quickie for the man, that evening he needs to pay her back.


Things that work for me, quickie-wise
1. Be already quite hot for sex before it even starts. Or in some odd and exciting place where sensations are already heightened.
2. Never PIV only. I, like probably most women, cannot orgasm from PIV alone, and so there always has to be some other source of stimulation. 
3. Related to 2, some attention to other body parts beyond the vagina helps tons. 
3. Rhythm is very important. Not just "wham bam", but with some variety.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Personal said:


> It's not Mills and Boon and it works for my wife and has worked for a number of other sexual partners as well. Who inclusive of my wife for the most part, quite readily and easily orgasm from PIV sex.
> 
> Nowhere did I say the man only gets off.


Glad to hear it! 

For future reference, should you ever take up writing pornography, you might want to be a bit cautious about how you use first (or second) person singular when saying things like "have at it" "finish" and "immediately go about your day"


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> *That is a catch 22!*
> 
> If she offers it without me asking (just because she wants to please me and she is obviously not in the mood herself), then turning it down would be rejecting her.
> 
> ...



Could I suggest that you might be overthinking it?
Sometimes the woman may not know herself why exactly she offers what she offers! It has often happened that my wife offered something (and I had a rather strong suspicion it was because she felt bad that I haven't received anything for a while), she ended up enjoying it more than me! (Probably because she wasn't thinking about doubts and was free in her head to actually get into it and enjoy it!).

See if you can judge it: it is usually fairly obvious when it's a real chore!

I do think (maybe now *I* am the one overthinking it) that your wife's apparent eagerness for an occasional "quickie" may perhaps be a gentle indication on the change in styles that she might prefer to see from you in future.

"I asked her if a quickie could be planned, and she said, "no way!" So whatever this idea of hers is, she wants to be in control of it, and kind of surprise me with one or something."

Are you sure she doesn't want *you* to surprise *her* with it??

The way our quickies work...I start kissing my wife in the <enter any geographical location>, I gather from the way she kisses me back (usually involves more tongue or just the way she kisses) how high up the horny-meter she is and escalate it into a "quickie". If I get it wrong, and she says, "I have to leave in x minutes" etc, I know exactly where to stop.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Are you sure she doesn't want *you* to surprise *her* with it??


I guess I will have to put myself out there and try that and see.

Historically if I surprise her with a sudden urge, she has never responded that well. It is usually, "not right now please, I'm really getting a lot done with regards to something I am working on, and I am not at a good stopping point. How about (then she suggests a better time) another time like tomorrow afternoon." ...now I have been in that type of situation before and been a little aggressively playful enough to just make things happen, but afterwards she really fusses at me for throwing off her planned schedule of things she needed to accomplish for the whole day (even though I only interrupted her for about say 30 minutes). She will complain that once she stopped with whatever she was working on at the time that she has a very difficult time motivating herself to get restarted on her project. I get all the blame. 

I also can't assume that a certain window of time at a given day of the week will work better than any other. Her schedule changes dramatically from one moment to the next. She may wake up thinking she is going to have the worst day ever, then something changes and her whole day is free (or vice versa). 

So realistically speaking, *I think I may have to be opportunistic* and patiently wait until the right moment presents itself. I doubt this is something I can just "make happen."

Badsanta


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

wild jade said:


> Glad to hear it!
> 
> For future reference, should you ever take up writing pornography, you might want to be a bit cautious about how you use first (or second) person singular when saying things like "have at it" "finish" and "immediately go about your day"


I shan't be taking it up, That said "it" is the sexual act itself which covers a kaleidoscope of sexual practices, while finishing and immediately going about ones day is the whole point of a quickie.

Incidentally I recall a quickie where my wife came home from work for lunch and we had 10 minutes spare before she had to leave. So I started kissing her, then took her to our bedroom, put her on the bed and gave her oral sex until she orgasmed (which took circa three minutes from a mostly cold start). We then both got up, kissed each other goodbye and went back to work.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I guess I will have to put myself out there and try that and see.


Yes you will.



badsanta said:


> So realistically speaking, *I think I may have to be opportunistic* and patiently wait until the right moment presents itself. I doubt this is something I can just "make happen."


You should be able to tell, by the response you get when kissing your wife.

Do you remember what it feels like when the air feels electric and you know your partner is feeling that same overwhelming buzz just before you kiss for the first time and or are about to have sex for the first time? For me I use that reciprocal feeling and response as a guide to when to have at it with a quickie.

I've discussed this with a number of my sexual partners and they all feel the same way. Using that feeling of excitement, is a great tell.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Personal said:


> I shan't be taking it up, That said "it" is the sexual act itself which covers a kaleidoscope of sexual practices, while finishing and immediately going about ones day is the whole point of a quickie.
> 
> Incidentally I recall a quickie where my wife came home from work for lunch and we had 10 minutes spare before she had to leave. So I started kissing her, then took her to our bedroom, put her on the bed and gave her oral sex until she orgasmed (which took circa three minutes from a mostly cold start). We then both got up, kissed each other goodbye and went back to work.


Aw, come on Personal, you could do a bang-up job!>

Quickies are great! It's the surprise element that works. Just make sure you have *all* the doors locked, first. You wouldn't want to have a neighbor wander in to the house looking for you as we did.


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Personal said:


> I shan't be taking it up, That said "it" is the sexual act itself which covers a kaleidoscope of sexual practices, while finishing and immediately going about ones day is the whole point of a quickie.
> 
> Incidentally I recall a quickie where my wife came home from work for lunch and we had 10 minutes spare before she had to leave. So I started kissing her, then took her to our bedroom, put her on the bed and gave her oral sex until she orgasmed (which took circa three minutes from a mostly cold start). We then both got up, kissed each other goodbye and went back to work.


Yeah....some women are fast starters!
My wife as well....which no doubt has something to do with why quickies work for us! It has to be a 50/50 deal I think....not just for the man!


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I guess I will have to put myself out there and try that and see.
> 
> Historically if I surprise her with a sudden urge, she has never responded that well. It is usually, "not right now please, I'm really getting a lot done with regards to something I am working on, and I am not at a good stopping point. How about (then she suggests a better time) another time like tomorrow afternoon." ...now I have been in that type of situation before and been a little aggressively playful enough to just make things happen, but afterwards she really fusses at me for throwing off her planned schedule of things she needed to accomplish for the whole day (even though I only interrupted her for about say 30 minutes). She will complain that once she stopped with whatever she was working on at the time that she has a very difficult time motivating herself to get restarted on her project. I get all the blame.
> 
> Badsanta


Ok, I see. So I may have been wrong. It is difficult to grasp couples' dynamics from distance to give useful advice and it's all a bit of a shot in the dark but...what I initially thought might have bene happening was that even though she _might have liked_ you to take full control and "take advantage of her" for a quickie, she might have found it hard giving up control since this would be in direct contradiction with her nature. 

What I think might be more likely however is that she is a natural "Domme" and would prefer exercise even more control over your sexual "obedience" (perhaps!).
Has she tried doing the whole Domme thing with you? Seems like it might suit her style. If I am not mistaken, you mentioned somewhere that she likes being on top and be "in control" of yours and her orgasms. If you notice that this is something that turns her on, it might be worth it pursuing things more in this direction, rather than reversing roles (just guessing).

It would really make life *so much easier* if you could just *talk about these things*! You both seem so open (sexually) with each other and when it comes to solving problems and working together as a couple yet when it's about sexual fantasies, there seems to be some sort of a block. (Possibly another way for her to be "in control"?) Or is she actually genuinely embarrassed talking about these things?

From what I gather (and bear in mind I only ever had ONE long term sexual partner for my whole life), is that there is generally a tendency for one side to be in domination and the other partner to be on the submission side (speaking very generally) rather than both being equal (does it make sense?). I noticed this whenever me and my wife try switching our usual "roles" (for her to be in charge); it feels good for a little while but I soon want to switch back for some reason and she has her strongest orgasms when I am in charge of when and how she orgasms.

It's all very strange to be honest and there's probably a lot more going on than I can comprehend. But it seems to work for both of us! I guess it's what they call "sexual compatibility".


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Quickies are great! It's the surprise element that works. Just make sure you have *all* the doors locked, first. You wouldn't want to have a neighbor wander in to the house looking for you as we did.


Although inconvenient, you'll both always have that funny memory about that time when...


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

"Historically if I surprise her with a sudden urge, she has never responded that well. It is usually, "not right now please, I'm really getting a lot done with regards to something I am working on, and I am not at a good stopping point."

On the other hand...this has also been the case with my wife (almost word for word). Sometimes if I was insistent enough, she would "let go" and let me "take advantage" of her and end up in ecstasy or thereabouts. 
So in your case....I really don't know! You will have to try different things if there is no way for her to tell you and try to establish under which circumstances she orgasms stronger (when YOU are controlling her or when SHE is). And then take it further in this direction with her. I think both partners need to be clear what roles they occupy during sex (which doesn't mean you can't switch them from time to time but there is some sort of a general preference, I believe). Someone correct me if I am totally wrong...


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You wouldn't want to have a neighbor wander in to the house looking for you as we did.


To be fair, that could provide an extra "kick". 
Is it a sin to sometimes leave the "do not disturb" sign off the door knob in anticipation that the maid might come to refill...stuff.
Though probably not the neighbour. Too close to reality.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Personal said:


> I shan't be taking it up, That said "it" is the sexual act itself which covers a kaleidoscope of sexual practices, while finishing and immediately going about ones day is the whole point of a quickie.


I get that. My point was just a grammatical one that certain syntaxes promote a very certain kind of picture/interpretation.

Whereas, the description below, includes the first person plural as well, and paints a much better picture.



Personal said:


> I
> Incidentally I recall a quickie where my wife came home from work for lunch and we had 10 minutes spare before she had to leave. So I started kissing her, then took her to our bedroom, put her on the bed and gave her oral sex until she orgasmed (which took circa three minutes from a mostly cold start). We then both got up, kissed each other goodbye and went back to work.


Sorry, can't help it. Writing nerd here.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

wild jade said:


> I get that. My point was just a grammatical one that certain syntaxes promote a very certain kind of picture/interpretation.
> 
> Whereas, the description below, includes the first person plural as well, and paints a much better picture.
> 
> ...


There are meds for that, now.:grin2:

People from different countries express themselves differently. It's all good.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

wild jade said:


> Sorry, can't help it. Writing nerd here.


Thanks, I am aware of my limitations. :smile2:


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Quickies for us are spontaneous and excitement fueled. It's the unexpected touch or kiss that quickly frenzies to sex. The experience typically being 10 minutes and outside of the bedroom. The quickies are those moments on the kitchen bench, the sofa, and sometimes the bedroom... in the past, about to leave the house and a quickie on the hood of our car parked in the garage (which left a dent, not recommended). During that short time, there can still be passionate kissing, touching, sexy whispers... to liken it to cooking it's instant heat, kept sizzling high for a short time, with a tasty result. 

The other type of quickie, particularly if in the bedroom, may be when we're tired and acknowledge we feel lower in energy. We may roll with it for what it is and they serve a purpose on occasion but neither of us would be satisfied with this being a norm. Sometimes we favor good sleep and gain energy for a longer, slow and low, devouring instead.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

badsanta said:


> We discussed this topic again recently and I tried asking more about her fantasies. Quickies are NOT part of any of her fantasies, it is just something that she would be willing to do for me because I have been working hard on our marriage to improve many things (many of which are not discussed on TAM), and she wants to help make that work rewarding for me.
> 
> She admits that increasing the frequency of sex in our marriage to more than what we do now would likely be difficult for her, but that she thinks that quickies would possibly be a way to "try."
> 
> As for the other thread on her "fantasy" that she refuses to tell me about, I think she was just messing with my head.


It's positive that she wants to meet you somewhere in the middle for needs being fulfilled and is wanting to contribute effort to your marriage. 

It made me wince when reading this however, that sex is being equated to a reward for effort / work. 

What are her conditions to feeling comfortable with a quickie? What are yours?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> It's positive that she wants to meet you somewhere in the middle for needs being fulfilled and is wanting to contribute effort to your marriage.
> 
> It made me wince when reading this however, that sex is being equated to a reward for effort / work.
> 
> What are her conditions to feeling comfortable with a quickie? What are yours?


Thanks for the feedback. 

We do have a system of reward for effort in our marriage, but it is a very playful one that only exists as a form of role play so to speak. For example if my wife knows I am really in the mood, but that it is going to require some effort on her behalf to let go of her stress and try and enjoy a moment together, the following conversation might go:

MRS: Do you realize how expensive this is going to be?
MR: You know I can never even come close to affording you, but a man can dream can't he?"
MRS: Well do you have _anything_ to offer?
MR: I'm still in debt from last time! How much do I owe these days anyway?
MRS: It _is_ pretty bad!
MR: Your are worth it though! 

So it is kind of a role play dynamic where I let her enjoy feeling incredibly valuable in our relationship, and I do actually think it helps her self confidence. Occasionally this role playing will spill out of the bedroom and I might even turn the tables slightly. She will ask me to make her some popcorn while we are watching a movie with the kids, and when I bring it to her, and I'll say, "do you have any idea how expensive that bowl of popcorn is?" Her eyes will get huge as if I am expecting some strange form of intimacy with her later in the evening. Then I'll later joke, "I'm kind of feeling sorry for you while watching you eat that, would you like some ice cream too because I'm getting myself some? (with a devilish grin)" 

*What are her conditions to feeling comfortable with a quickie?* Her words to this exact question where, "well you need to have some extra credits!" as in she just wants to see me NOT getting lazy and entitled with things in general around the house. At least that is how I interpreted it. If she actually expects things from me, here is an example. The kids took down all the decorations off our Christmas tree, and she asked me to help hall it off. I actually did it right then, and she commented that she was so happy that I did not wait for over a week do actually do it like she thought I would. So when things in the house run smoothly, she is generally a very happy person. Her happiness would be "extra credits" but at the same time I can't let myself be entitled to anything just because she is happy. I've still got to be patient with her because my reputation of getting upset over sex and arguing about it in the past still proceeds me.

*What are mine?* I'd simply like to plan for it so that I can allow my imagination to run wild all day thinking about her, and enjoy anticipating the moment. This would allow me to work myself up into a rather excited state of knowing it will be a sure thing and that it will only take a few moments. I do enjoy fantasizing and allowing my mind to run wild. BUT she has said it can NOT be planned that it just has to happen. So this means I have to go about my day PREVENTING myself from ever getting too aroused by avoiding thinking of her, choosing instead to exercise and wear myself out, or keep myself occupied and busy with other things like making plans to get out of the house to do things with family or friends. 

...so while things could happen spontaneously and fast, I'll admit that I sometimes have a challenging time with that, because otherwise I am actively putting an effort to slow down my sexuality and be more patient for my wife. If it is a day I know she needs a break from me, I'll go hiking/jogging about five miles. After that my body is spent. If I avoid exercise, it is as though all that energy is diverted into my libido and I can conjure Zues’ lightning in my pants.

...anyway. If it were easy for us I guess these things would have happened more naturally long ago. 

Badsanta


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"What are mine? I'd simply like to plan for it so that I can allow my imagination to run wild all day thinking about her, and enjoy anticipating the moment."
@badsanta, get out of your head and just roll with it. A quickie does not compute with the above. It really does not have to be this hard.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> "What are mine? I'd simply like to plan for it so that I can allow my imagination to run wild all day thinking about her, and enjoy anticipating the moment."
> 
> @badsanta, get out of your head and just roll with it. A quickie does not compute with the above. It really does not have to be this hard.


I agree that I need to try and "keep it simple."


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

badsanta said:


> *What are her conditions to feeling comfortable with a quickie?* Her words to this exact question where, "well you need to have some extra credits!" as in she just wants to see me NOT getting lazy and entitled with things in general around the house.


This dynamic is why there will always be an upper limit on your satisfaction within your current marriage. Because your wife views sex as something she does for you that you have to earn. Instead of something that she enjoys doing with you. She could enjoy it even if she does not find the sensations particularly enjoyable if she cared deeply about your needs and your feelings and she enjoyed spending her time with a happy and fulfilled husband. Instead, she focuses on how little she gets out of it and what a sacrifice it is for her to do this unpleasant task with you. And how much you need to do for her in order to balance the scales so that she is willing to make the grand sacrifice of having sex with you.

It is entirely up to her to change this dynamic. Her changing this dynamic will dramatically increase marital satisfaction for both of you. Still, I am skeptical she will ever invest the time and energy needed to change her mindset. I doubt she will ever do it because I doubt she agrees with my assertion that her doing so would increase satisfaction for BOTH of you. She believes you would be happier and she would be further burdened. She believes you would be lazy and accept her gift and provide nothing "extra" in return. She does not believe that you would be more energized and more successful in life and more willing and able to do things for you if she gave you the gift of more sex. She does not believe that once she got sex to be "enough" for you that it would be like an Underdog vitamin energy pill and you would literally be able to fly through the air doing things for her. She does not believe there is such a thing as "enough" when it comes to you and sex. Very difficult to get someone to see that their prediction is likely false. I have spent the past 20 years living my life based on predictions that are likely false, so I know how she feels. Very little you can do to get her to see that she is wrong in her predictions. She needs to take a leap of faith. Some of us are not leapers.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> This dynamic is why there will always be an upper limit on your satisfaction within your current marriage. Because your wife views sex as something she does for you that you have to earn.


Instead of something that is "earned" so to speak, I think my wife enjoys more me "pursuing" her. But there is a fine line between pursuing and pressuring. The more confident and valuable my wife feels, the more I can pursue her. If she feels under appreciated or taken for granted, then it likely feels more like I am pressuring her. So I pursue my wife in ways that build her confidence in our marriage. 

I believe that just like trust has to be earned, confidence in a marriage works the same way. So I am not really "earning sex" but I am more earning her ability to feel more confident about trying new things. Her suggestion that she would like to try quickies I believe is a result of me helping her to feel more confident. 

Do we play and joke around that sex has to be earned? Yes. But we never actually hold each other to any of the terms that are negotiated. If I actually end up doing nice things for her, it is only because I enjoy doing them. I never do something thinking, OMG I have to do this or there will be no sex tonight. 

Badsanta


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Instead of something that is "earned" so to speak, I think my wife enjoys more me "pursuing" her. But there is a fine line between pursuing and pressuring. The more confident and valuable my wife feels, the more I can pursue her. If she feels under appreciated or taken for granted, then it likely feels more like I am pressuring her. So I pursue my wife in ways that build her confidence in our marriage.
> 
> I believe that just like trust has to be earned, confidence in a marriage works the same way. So I am not really "earning sex" but I am more earning her ability to feel more confident about trying new things. Her suggestion that she would like to try quickies I believe is a result of me helping her to feel more confident.
> 
> Do we play and joke around that sex has to be earned? Yes. But we never actually hold each other to any of the terms that are negotiated. If I actually end up doing nice things for her, it is only because I enjoy doing them. I never do something thinking, OMG I have to do this or there will be no sex tonight.


I think you have trained yourself to think this way because that is what makes your marriage tolerable. I have done the same thing in more detrimental ways to make my marriage tolerable. I do not think the lies you tell yourself are any more true than the lies I tell myself.

I do not think this is about your wife's level of confidence or her sense of value. I think your wife is supremely confident and feels she has enormous value - much higher than her view of your value.

Your wife appears to feel that you are weak and needy, and that she is the source of all power and strength and energy in the relationship. She seems to feel that she must dole out this energy and strength in meager portions, because it all comes from her stored pile which does not get replenished very easily. She sees you as a leech sucking her blood when you ask for sex. That is a terrible dynamic. It seems clear to me that she does not see herself as the catalyst that enables you to go above and beyond what you could do on your own. THAT is the shift in viewpoint I doubt she will ever make. 

It is exactly like chemistry. Platinum is a very good catalyst for carbon based chemical reactions. Platinum is rare and precious and expensive. Carbon and hydrogen and oxygen are relatively cheap and plentiful. If you did not understand chemistry, it would seem to make no sense to add expensive platinum to reactions between carbon and hydrogen and oxygen. But if you did, you would see that tiny and affordable amounts of platinum make the carbon reactions so much more efficient that it is well worth spending the money to add the platinum to the mix. Moreover, the platinum does not get consumed. After the reaction is over, you have exactly as much platinum as you had to start. To produce more reactions, you only have to add more carbon and hydrogen and oxygen - which are readily available. You don't need to but more platinum, because while it enhances the reaction it is NOT consumed. That is like your wife and sex. She can catalyze your internal reactions and enable you to be much more powerful and effective and efficient at virtually no cost to herself. But she has to be willing to put enough platinum into the mix to get the enhanced reaction started.

I have no doubt that she sees you as carbon and herself as platinum. The problem is that she does not believe that you can be turned into diamond if she applied sufficient heat and pressure in the right spots!


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> I do not think this is about your wife's level of confidence or her sense of value. I think your wife is supremely confident and feels she has enormous value - much higher than her view of your value.
> 
> Your wife appears to feel that you are weak and needy, and that she is the source of all power and strength and energy in the relationship. She seems to feel that she must dole out this energy and strength in meager portions, because it all comes from her stored pile which does not get replenished very easily. She sees you as a leech sucking her blood when you ask for sex.


Wow. Really? Where do you get all that from?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wild jade said:


> Wow. Really? Where do you get all that from?


 @Holdingontoit often has a very different perspective. Nothing wrong with that... sometimes it does actually help to see things from a few different lenses.

While a little dark and pessimistic, I honestly think the man is a genius at not bragging in the event thinks look up here and there.

Every time I brag, I find myself in a world of hurt.

Badsanta


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I can see how both perspectives could be valid (holdingontoit and badsanta's). Although we also do tend to project things from our own life onto other people's issues (I am often guilty of that). And the truth may be in the eye of the beholder: one can view the same situation in many different shades.
It seems to me that good communication is essential. And men are very bad at communicating their needs properly. It is compounded by the fact that women have a hard time empathising with a higher drive male's needs. So it's an old story of games and pursuits: males spend all their time trying to work out ever more imaginative ways to lure their mating partner while females tend to thrive on being "in demand". (You often see that in animal kingdom as well). It is perhaps nature's way to ensure we (males) remain sufficiently interested in our mate and not get bored and go off to mate with another female, once we are fully satisfied (though some of us still do).
If the balance tips too much, it becomes a source of major frustration and hurt - I can see this happening easily.
I am not sure badsanta reached that stage from what I have read so far.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

''Quickies'' can be really great, because they're not planned. I wouldn't want to only have sex that way, but every now and then, I really like them. And if you've been secretly teasing each other all night at a party for example, well...a quickie is really a hot ending to the night. lol


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Holdingontoit said:


> It is entirely up to her to change this dynamic. Her changing this dynamic will dramatically increase marital satisfaction for both of you. Still, I am skeptical she will ever invest the time and energy needed to change her mindset. I doubt she will ever do it because I doubt she agrees with my assertion that her doing so would increase satisfaction for BOTH of you.


Based on what you have written badsanta, I agree that it seems largely (although not entirely) to her to change this part of the dynamic. The question is whether she is willing to. Your actions and inactions will contribute to her level of trust and comfort in the relationship but there's another side to this... and that's her own actions and inactions also contribute to her level of trust and comfort in the relationship. Some folks need this to feel open sexually however that does not equate to the onus being on the other person. It becomes both - to have clear (and raw) communication and shared understanding of what you each need from the marriage and whether, and what, you're each willing to contribute. Then there's a chance for increased satisfaction for both of you. Sexually and otherwise. 

Role play and flirtation is one thing but from where I'm sitting, I'd say this requires more effort than playful 'extra credits'. It may be painful at times to face what holds us back. In the long-run, I personally think it's worthwhile regardless of outcome. Please know that would be my thought for both of you and not just for you to take on. 

Another thought is if she's suggesting the quickies, then let her initiate them. There seems to be so much tied up in your mind about rules and expectations that it sounds exhausting and unsustainable. If she initiates and you're too physically tired, then the quickie becomes about her.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ok I read your opening post on the other thread ("what helped badsanta fix..."). 
I honestly don't think you and your wife have a problem! (Maybe I am projecting, because me and my wife are very similar in this respect and I didn't think that WE had a problem in this area. Perhaps we do!).

I think it's good you take a lot of time to think through everything (most people probably don't have the time nor inclination to go through these thought processes) but it doesn't look like your wife is actually withholding sex from you deliberately or would withhold it if she saw you suffering from it (right?).
What happened with us over the years: at some point my wife must have realised how much anxiety it was causing me every time she "rejected" me or every time sex wasn't happening (she must have read something, I don't know) and she now simply makes a little more effort to empathise with me when it comes to sex and I learnt to not take it too personally, when she is not in the mood.. It's small tweaks.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @Holdingontoit often has a very different perspective. Nothing wrong with that... sometimes it does actually help to see things from a few different lenses.
> 
> While a little dark and pessimistic, I honestly think the man is a genius at not bragging in the event thinks look up here and there.
> 
> ...


Absolutely nothing wrong with a different perspective. But he was attributing some pretty dramatic perspectives to your wife, who isn't even in this conversation. I'm just wondering what makes him think that.

Know what you mean about bragging. But there's some pretty large middle ground between bragging and assuming the absolute worst.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Another thought is if she's suggesting the quickies, then let her initiate them. There seems to be so much tied up in your mind about rules and expectations that it sounds exhausting and unsustainable. If she initiates and you're too physically tired, then the quickie becomes about her.


Since starting this thread we have now had a few quickies. She has not initiated anything, but she has not resisted any of my attempts and has been supportive. 

I would describe it as playful and fun, and I actually do have some issues with performance anxiety from the result of so many historical rejections from her. Now that she is much more receptive to being playful, I think quickies are perhaps allowing me to let go of all that past anxiety of being rejected so many times. THAT I think will be extremely helpful for us to let go of the past and try to move forwards while focusing on just being more playful as a couple.

Awkwardly enough trying this makes me feel guilty for both experiencing anxiety and pleasure. Perhaps that guilt is an indication that my strong sense of self confidence over the past few years has been at the sacrifice of my true self and instead my way of putting up barriers to protect my feelings. In other words, I have been confident in the face of her historical rejections, but there are scars there from that I have simply ignored for too long. Hopefully introducing a few quickies here and there will become therapeutic for healing those. 

So for those that see me overthinking things. I don't always talk about my own performance anxieties, and I do NOT want to ever do anything that makes that worse. A slow process that has to be handled with care and communication with my wife. 

Badsanta


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Since starting this thread we have now had a few quickies.
> 
> 
> 
> Badsanta


Well that was quick.


"I would describe it as playful and fun, and I actually do have some issues with performance anxiety from the result of so many historical rejections from her."

Can I ask how you know that the anxieties were caused by your wife's rejections?
As someone who used to get rejected (and still sometimes does) I'm curious how you made this connection.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Well that was quick.
> 
> 
> "I would describe it as playful and fun, and I actually do have some issues with performance anxiety from the result of so many historical rejections from her."
> ...


I've witnessed myself initiating sex when I was only mildly in the mood and easily able to take it or leave it without getting hurt in the event she would say no. In addition I have witnessed myself during moments that I am really aroused preferring to not initiate and deal with that all alone. It took me a while to work out that I was using that as a self defense mechanism and a very effective one at that. Letting go of that and making myself vulnerable again is NOT exactly easy.

So now if I initiate when I am actually in the mood, there is anxiety associated with that as it is more challenging for me to deal with a "no." I also find myself wanting to be playful when only mildly in the mood as old patterns of behavior are hard to break. My wife has become aware of this as well, and this is one of the main reasons I think she is being more open and flexible. She would much rather me initiate and enjoy doing so when I am actually in the mood. 

It is creating new experiences for both of us and helping bring some feelings to the surface that needed attention. 

Badsanta


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

You should keep a journal (if you have time) about this. Especially how it makes you feel (exactly how you write here) and let your wife read it. Or let her read your posts on TAM. Does she know all the thought processes and anxieties that you go through? (She should).
Another thought (and I am sure this as been covered somewhere...): would you feel comfortable if some days (when you are in the mood and she isn't), she would take time to just please you? (on a more regular basis). This seems the most "popular" solution in such circumstances.

I don't know how our species managed to live all these years; it seems mismatches in drives is a given in any relationship. I guess that's why the Erectus one didn't quite make it...


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Yup. Being vulnerable is hard.

Actually that should be in all caps. 

Being vulnerable is HARD!


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> *I don't know how our species managed to live all these years; it seems mismatches in drives is a given in any relationship.*


Mismatches likely saved our planet from becoming way overpopulated centuries ago, perhaps it is the ONLY reason we are still here!

:surprise:


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Being vulnerable is WORTHWHILE.

:wink2:


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Being vulnerable is WORTHWHILE.


Sometimes. Not always. 30 or 40 years ago my very sensitive aunt told me it was better to be sensitive and vulnerable because you appreciate the good parts of life more. She told me it makes life more vivid. Decades later I believe she was wrong. I believe it just makes life more painful. Those who don't feel as deeply or easily have an easier time in life. Those who make themselves vulnerable get punished for it. No good deed goes unpunished. The conscientious child does not get rewarded for their diligence. Best to be selfish and blithe and not realize the pain you are causing others nor the pain you would feel if you allowed yourself to be vulnerable.

As Janis Ian said "A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs whose name I never could pronounce said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve; they only get what they deserve." But in fact "their small-town eyes will gape at you in dull surprise when payment due exceeds accounts received at seventeen." Not everyone gets rewarded for being vulnerable. Some get abused. And then gape in dull surprise when they are asked to make emotional payments they can't begin to afford.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Ya, but life is hard and often sucks for those who are walled off too. 

I was just on another thread where the guy is basically absolutely refusing to emotionally invest and is spending the entire relationship testing his gf to make sure she is "worthy". I sincerely doubt he is any happier or better off for his walls. 

Trying to be invulnerable may feel like a smart thing to do to avoid pain, but in the end is much more likely to make one lonely, angry, isolated, and without a real sense of community. It's also a kind of myth. Really we're all just frail humans hanging out on the planet for what amounts to a nanosecond in geological time.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> Being vulnerable is WORTHWHILE.
> 
> :wink2:


Although -- on the flipside, there is such a thing as too vulnerable.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Being vulnerable is WORTHWHILE.
> 
> :wink2:





wild jade said:


> Although -- on the flipside, there is such a thing as too vulnerable.


 @heartsbeating a long time ago in my marriage my wife encouraged me to avoid dealing with my sexual frustrations alone (masturbation), and that I should always come to her instead. I honestly tried and convinced myself it was the best thing to do, but she still rejected me repeatedly. She later said that she hoped that if I learned to completely stop masturating that I would learn to want less sex. That freaking hurt at the time!

Looking back, she was simply using her own sexuality as a model to try and help relieve some of her own anxieties of feeling inadequate and unattractive. At the time she was struggling to loose weight she gained during pregnancy.... hmmmm I am now looking at that with even a little more compassion after seeing myself type that! 

Things have progressed a lot since then and we NOW have learned accept and respect our differences. THIS is allowing us to become more vulnerable, and I completely agree that it is worthwhile!

I think @wild jade is also right. In the earlier stages of relationships it is not really possible to know and accept your partner if you are still going through that process to learn who you are for yourself. So if someone becomes too vulnerable BEFORE they actually fully know and accept themselves and really understand human nature, well... that is why pyramid and ponzi schemes will always exist.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

wild jade said:


> Although -- on the flipside, there is such a thing as too vulnerable.


Perhaps it depends on what being vulnerable means to us... being 'too vulnerable' doesn't compute with how I view things. It can be tricky for most of us to cultivate being vulnerable in the first place. And if we do, we're able to love, accept and acknowledge ourselves first to then share that authenticity and openness. Sure, there could be considered a risk to that. 

We're here on this big ball of dirt for the blink of an eye. Maybe it's also beneficial not to take ourselves too seriously. I'll exit stage left here.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> Perhaps it depends on what being vulnerable means to us... being 'too vulnerable' doesn't compute with how I view things. It can be tricky for most of us to cultivate being vulnerable in the first place. And if we do, we're able to love, accept and acknowledge ourselves first to then share that authenticity and openness. Sure, there could be considered a risk to that.
> 
> We're here on this big ball of dirt for the blink of an eye. Maybe it's also beneficial not to take ourselves too seriously. I'll exit stage left here.


I think @badsanta got it right. Some people put their faith, trust, and love into the wrong people and let themselves be trampled in the process.  Or they put up with things that no reasonable person should have to put up with. 

I would not, to pick an extreme example, advise a victim of domestic abuse to be more vulnerable. I would suggest that they'd be better off with some great big thick walls between them and their abuser. Physical and psychological.


----------

