# Need some advice



## Hadean (Jul 20, 2012)

Hello all, I just need some advice. 

My story goes like this: I found out about my wife's EA about a month ago. I work as a geologist and we were living in Australia for about 2 years. My wife is emotionally unstable and we've been in our marriage for 2 years now but in a relationship for about 8 years. During all those years together my wife was on antidepressant and just recently in last 6 months she stopped taking them. 

Everything was fine or at least i thought it was all until last three months. She met some friends over our tenants and started to develop a friendship with some guy. I saw that he is sending her messages on Facebook and over the phone. In the beginning i was jealous and told her to stop that and she did promise that she will distance her self. Because we moved to Australia she had no friends and only way she was communicating with people was on facebook. I actually don't have problem with that and I let her have male friends and I know other man want her but she was always faithful and honest about hers friendship with others. So I believed her when she told me that she will distance from him.

We have just moved back to Croatia and she confessed to me after I pressured her, that she had an affair with this guy. She was honest with me and told me that she fell in love with him and that she kissed him once when they were having a drink with friends and later she even met with him few times and kissed as well. After pressuring her and talking about it is clear that they had a romantic relationship and she explained that she was lonely and he was giving her attention and was taking with her. All of that while I was working on the field. Because of my job I was absent 10 days and coming home only for 3 days. I did notice that she lost weight and she was acting strange but I was in kind of denial about everything because I did trust her blindly. 

Now I have set out the rules and said to her that she can choose to leave or to save our relationship. She is now in a severe depression and everything she was fighting against before taking antidepressant has come back. Her anxiety attacks, low self esteem, depression and hole other bunch of things and she is thinking about going back onto meds. 

I have hard time accepting everything and I'm in pain, my world has collapsed on me and I don't know what to do. I do practice 180 and I'm trying to be strong but sometimes I just can't do that and then we fight about EA. One day we talk about it, other day we just try to be normal. We went 2 times to MC but she is still having hard time to talk about it because she knows what she has done was very wrong and she is showing guilt but i would say remorse not yet because she is still in love with OM.

She agrees that we should save our relationship and I said no contact with him or else. I have installed a keylogger on her computer and I can see everything she does. I literally had to pull her back to reality because she was so much into him, like she was abducted by aliens. She send him an email saying that it was over but she didn't show it to me. All of that was happening shortly after the EA was exposed and she could write whatever. I am still hard on pressing her to send him an email together but she went to psychiatrist and she told her that now in this stage that would only hurt me more. She has deleted him from facebook and I know there is no contact because of the keylogger that I installed. However what she can't do is to go to his Facebook wall. I caught her several times during this one month that she has a look. I did pressured her not to do that but she is addicted to the drug. Recently i realized that he is not on FB any more but what to do when she is so obsessed with him and still loves him. Is it possible that she falls out of love and forgets him? She is acting like a child and like she can't control what she does. I think that SSRI drug seroxat that she was taking had to do something with this because she was not like this before.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First realize adults don't just kissin such a situation , they have sex especially since your being gone gave them ample opportunity.

Her obsession is most likely that she has found someway of staying in contact with him. It feeds the dopamine in her head. Could she be calling him on a cellphone or Skype, using a friends computer or an Internet cafe?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hadean said:


> Hadean:
> 
> As a BS, I am so sorry you are going through this.
> 
> ...


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You have to believe that those kisses were far more than just kisses, cheaters will lie through their teeth to cover their asses, get things back to normal as quickly as possible aka rugsweep, minimize the damage, hide the details and so on, you need to operate in the mindset that whatever she told you was a lie unless proven to be true.

Don't rush into MC, what you're doing now is walking into the MC's office with yourself your wife and the OM's shadow. Cancel MC

What do you mean by "practice 180 and I'm trying to be strong but sometimes I just can't do that and then we fight about EA?" Mate, please realize that you're doing the 180 for yourself and you need to give it your all for it to work on YOU. And don't fight over the A right now, lots of time later. Now you need to act like you don't give a rat's arse

Your wife needs to realize what she's going to lose before she gets back into the marriage and one of the side effects of the 180 is just that.And if it comes to tabling the divorce you need to be able to go through with it.

Just keep a close watch on her and on what she's doing in addition to keeping track of her online activities because as you say, she suffers from anxiety and depression and things may get a little crazy.

And tell her in explicit terms that if you catch her looking at his profile on facebook one more time, you're packing her bags and sending her over to the OM yourself. And that you're going to divorce her and be man enough to follow through with it if it comes to that


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Haeden, there's more to this than mere kissing, not that it's relevant, but your wife isn't very forthcoming. A long term EA/PA is very difficult to recover from and given your wife's mental instability, weaning her back into your marriage will be much harder. 

If you can, I'd cut off the internet all together.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> she kissed him once when they were having a drink with friends and later she even met with him few times and kissed as well.


She kissed him. They meet some more times and she "kisses" him again? And that's what an adult woman who is cheating will do? Come on Hadean, your a geologist, a man of science. You certainly know how to investigate and verify.

You need that analytical part of your brain more than never now. If she is aware that she is cheating then it is very unlikely that she will just kiss over several encounters. I would say this has as much chance of being correct as these guys (since you're a geologist and all):

Expanding Earth - YouTube 

What she is telling you right now is that there is no subduction, no tectonic plates, no compressive forces, not even conservation of mass... And because you're so into her you're gobbling it up.

Observe, Formulate, Experiment, Register results and reach your conclusions.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Trying to understand your story:

You and your wife dated for six years.

You got married and spent just about your entire two years married living in Australia.

While in Australia, your wife began frequent communications with other man via facebook. He made romantic overtures toward your wife, but she did not respond. You were aware of it but didn't care because she didn't have any friends in Australia.

You came back to Croatia recently and now you are gone for 10 days at a time and then back home for three days at a time.

At some point, you don't know when, your wife fell in love with the other man.

She admits to meeting him and kissing. You believe her that it only was kissing and not sex because she is so honest. She tells you she is still in love with him. You still catch her looking at his facebook page. Now he has deleted his facebook page.

You are very confident that she is not in contact with him any longer because you have a magic keylogger that allows you to see everything and keeps her from contacting him and him from contacting her by any other means when you are not present or are asleep.

Is this accurate?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Trying to understand your story:
> 
> You and your wife dated for six years.
> 
> ...


That was some lawyer Perry Mason style stuff right there...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The alien aabduction... she's in full withdrawal. It's sordig, it hurtful but it was a relationship. She was obviously deeply attached to this OM. She needs to cut it cold turkey. The depression is normal after breaking up any relationship but then she already had a ton of problems before. It may be hard to balance support nad having to endure this withdrawal right in your face. But you must. You can't be her rock. I highly disagree with her psychiatrist. She' not ill, she's pinning for a lost lover for heavens sake.
I say... watch her carefuly but detach, really don't engage in any kind of meaningful conversation. Be on your own. She needs to feel losing you is worse than losing her lover. She needs to see it happening. that it's inminent.
Cut the ****ing internet!
Or give her an ultimatum: a new fix (searching OM online) and you are gone.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

This is a huge thing that bugs me

You are in a relationship and KNOW that the person is gone for periods of time....

Then decide hey, im depressed because you are gone. 
(to a point-understandable)

Why be with that person if you know they have strong work ethic, are taking care of you, and you decide that you are lonely because you choose this loife for yourself and then act like its the persons fault that is working!

ughhhh...i could go on about this forever.
its just so ridiculous. 
Im sorry for you. 


What do you guys do on the 3 days you are home?


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Really? You believed her when she said they only kissed. She probably won't go to counseling because she is afraid to get caught in her tangled web of lies. 

Sorry to break the news but if you look further into this, you may find what you were hoping not to.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:

"I have a crappy marriage so I'll tollorate my spouses' working all the time, and time spent away from home and I'll go find someone else" 

Istead of dealling with the hard issues of leaving the marriage with honor, the waywards will find any way to justify the choice in how they handle a bad marriage. It sucks!

I don't get it either but it happens all the time....the "you don't spend enough time with me" line.

Its like if the wayward blameshifts enough they can sleep at night thinking there deciet is somehow justified.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> This is a huge thing that bugs me
> 
> You are in a relationship and KNOW that the person is gone for periods of time....
> 
> ...




:iagree:

You hit the nail directly on its head.
Now she has him in a tailspin ,blaming himself and HE, not her is feeling guilty and somewhat confused..

She chose to screw this guy,while her husband was out , sacrificing,working hard to maintain their standard of living. And now she's [_what?_] depressed because she cannot see him?

Lemme guess,this facebook man,what is he?
A poet? 
An " up comming "musician? 
An Artist?

Extreme selfishness on her part,IMO. 
If I were him she's gone.
Go meet your " knight in shining armour" and DON'T f'ing COME BACK!!!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> "I have a crappy marriage so I'll tollorate my spouses' working all the time, and time spent away from home and I'll go find someone else"
> 
> ...


Exactly. Instead of being a stand up honest person and seeing a counselor or trying to discuss the marital issues THEY THINK THEY HAVE, they cheat and then justify it by claiming they were unhappy. 

Well, maybe the poor hardworking spouse is unhappy, but they don't drop their panties for some other person. 

The OW in my case also complained that her husband worked too much. 

But, he had to work a lot to subsidize her spendy lifestyle. 

She wanted maids, nannys cooks kids in prestigious schools, vacation, spa trips,liposuction.

My Sl**t husband also justified it by complaining about minor dissatisfactions in the marriage. All his complaints could have been easily remedied with discussion. He never tried or even mentioned he was unhappy 'till he met the OW.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Demad her to get a job, to contribute hard to the family. To do something about her time, she has no right to be bored. Many people can't handle boredom. I think this, along with self medication her depression with this fantasy relationship, is in the meat of her issues.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Only one post from OP ......


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You keep calling this an EA---it went physical---deep heavy passionate kissing, is no mere nothing, next step is clothes off, and bodies locked together, and guess what happens next, in all actuality, you need to have her tested for STD.

I am confused, where did this sex occur in australia, or in europe, where did she meet her lover, and where did she consummate the A, physically.

I think in this instance, cuz of all the meds/psychobabble/what have you, that she is on/into----you need to lay down the law

You need to tell her meds or not, it all stops, or she leaves----no more facebook, e-mail, cellphone---nothing, nada, zip

If she doesn't wanna stop tell her to go live with her lover---she will find out that that is a road that leads to nowhere, cuz her lover is more than likely a PUA, who is nothing but a slimeball scumbag himself, who leeches off of women, so he can have some sex

You need to let her know, you will not be taking care of a cheater, who is still into her lover---she either brings herself out of this, or tell her to go find a job, and prepare to defend a D., action, as you will not be bankrolling her in any way shape or form, but that she will now be liable for half of all bills that are run up in this mge.

---that has a very definite pull toward yanking her from her fantasies---as all of a sudden she is facing the harsh reality of life on her own, without you, and she knows deep down that loverboy will never fill the bill for her in reality---

Just lay it out, no more counseling, and tell her sh*t or get off the pot!!!!!!!!!


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## Hadean (Jul 20, 2012)

Sorry for not responding. The situation was like this we were in Australia last 2 years, now we moved back to Croatia. Upon arriving I confronted her about Facebook messages I saw. Then she told me what she claims the whole truth about the affair she had in Australia prior to our arriving back home. I kind of believe her there was not sex because she is not like that, it took 6 months for us when we started to actually have sex so that's why I rationalize about that.

I'm still very confused about everything and I'm in immense pain and she is still in the fog. She had a childhood where her mother has been cheating on her father and she witnessed all of that and growing up in family like that had actually caused all the psychological problems that she have today. 

So I was always like a caretaker for her in a sense that I took care of her and tried to make her happy while she had all kind of problems. But now it's obvious that she is not ready to grow up and contribute to our future together. There is no way that you can change someone, you can only change yourself.

For know it's rollercoaster and one day she is remorseful, other she is distant and I have set the boundaries for her. I have began detaching myself and concentrating on my needs, something I had to do long ago.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is she still in contact with OM?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hadean said:


> Then she told me what she claims the whole truth about the affair she had in Australia prior to our arriving back home. I kind of believe her there was not sex because she is not like that, it took 6 months for us when we started to actually have sex so that's why I rationalize about that.


Imo that's your ego talking,not logic.She's already shown she's not the person you thought she was by her subterfuge.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Yu realize that just because she made you wait 6 months before giving it up, doesn't mean that the new OM had to wait that long.

I agree, sounds to me like you're not getting the whole story. Sorry for your situation.

Best of luck
WD


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## Hadean (Jul 20, 2012)

I'm not sure that she is in contact with OM. Only if she is going to some internet cafe or something and has a secret email or something. Only thing I'm aware of is that she tries to go on his profile, they are not friends on FB anymore but he had open profile so she could she what is happening in his life. Now he is gone from FB so she can't do that.

Regarding the sex with OM, I really can't know if she had or not. One thing I can do is tell her to go test herself for STD.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Other man is in Australia, you and your wife are in Croatia?


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## Hadean (Jul 20, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Other man is in Australia, you and your wife are in Croatia?


Yes.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Tell us more about your situation right now.

Does she work? If so, what hours?

What hours do you work?

Do either of you have friends or hobbies that you spend time on?

What about family? Are they nearby?

Also, what about other man? Married with kids? Does his wife know?

Does anyone know what's going besides you and your wife?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If YOU want to save your marriage, the first thing you have to do is end the affair.

For now, assume it was a physical affair, with full-on sex.

Expose the affair to the other man's wife or girlfriend. If no wife or girlfriend, expose it to the other man's family/close friends. Tell them what has happened very briefly, ask them to help end it. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. If she finds out, you will know she is still in contact with the other man. If she finds out, she will be furious. Tell her you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage.

Next, ask your wife to handwrite a no contact letter to the other man. The letter should say how horribly ashamed your wife is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for risking losing you, who she cares about more than anything in the world, and that if the other man ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him. That's all that goes in the letter, no more, no less. Then she gives the letter to you to mail to the other man. Tell your wife marriage is between two people. There is no room for a third person in the marriage.

Next, ask your wife to give you all passwords and complete access to all accounts and all communication devices. Tell your wife privacy is for the bathroom, everything else is secrecy, and there is no room for secrecy in a marriage.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself, and what you are willing to accept or not accept in the marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Tell your wife if she doesn't meet your conditions, you will file for divorce. Then, if she doesn't meet them, do it.

Tell your wife if she wants the other man, fine, and offer to help her pack her bags, drive her to the airport, and put her on a plane.

Divorce is not a quick process, and you can always reconcile if your wife agrees to return to you and observe reasonable marital boundaries, such as not corresponding with her affair partner.

No matter what you do, there is no guarantee that you can save your marriage. But at least this way you will not spend weeks or even months or years living in your current state of pain of not knowing whether your wife will return to your marriage, and you will have your dignity and self-respect intact. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.


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## Hadean (Jul 20, 2012)

We came back to Croatia and we are not working. Most of our friends know about the affair, I talk with my friends and she with hers. Lots of our friend are mutual.
OM is in Australia and he doesn't have nobody that I'm aware of.
Yesterday we talked about affair and she was very defensive and screaming but eventually we talked and I got the details of the affair. She said to me that she has fallen in love with him and that she loves him. She even told that people are not meant for monogamy. I did told her what I expect from her and she said that she is doing everything I requested but that I should stop obsessing about the affair and to give her time to talk about it. 
One day she shows remorse, one day guilt, another day she is screaming and another she is distant and wants to go away. Every day is something different because she is a hard person to deal with.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Well then stop dealing with her. You can't fix a marriage on your own and frankly you deserve a lot more than what she's offering you and you don't want to deprive all those sweet women out there pas?


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## Hadean (Jul 20, 2012)

Sometimes it's easier said than done. After all those years together one just wants to try but maybe letting go is the best way to deal with it. 
Once she was so loving and those memories are actually keeping me here and maybe hope that she will change, but the thing is that she did change and that is what people in long term relationship do.
I always had urge to make her happy and that I would be happy but that is the wrong mindset to have in any relationship. First I have to make myself happy on my own and than I can be with someone to share that and not be dependent on someone else.

Maybe this is my last post here on this subject so people take care and be strong!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are right, she treats you like that because she takes you for granted.


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## Hadean (Jul 20, 2012)

People change, feelings change. It doesn't mean love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

I found it just now on FB newsfeed and it talk a lot about things happening in relationships.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Hadean said:


> it took 6 months for us when we started to actually have sex so that's why I rationalize about that.


If you read other stories here on TAM you'll realize that some women act prudish with their BS while with their lovers they do things they've never done with their BS. 
So don't believe the junior high-school story "it was just a kiss/a few kisses". 
Some WS have a wild side that they save only for the OM.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Hadean said:


> She said to me that she has fallen in love with him and that she loves him. She even told that people are not meant for monogamy. .


She explicitly told you how she feels about him so I don't know what else you could be expecting from this marriage.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Right

You "need advice" 

From your OP I gather you do not have children.

You sir are a lucky man. Get out now whilst the going is good. (okay clearly not good but you know what I mean)

Is this right - she is still saying now she loves somebody else and you are not the man of her dreams.

Do yourself a favor now. Because if she hasn't destroyed you yet, if you have any kids she sure as hell will when you're properly locked into this so called 'relationship' 

My God I wish I had known about this website ten years ago - what a truck load of ****e I'd have saved myself


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## Hadean (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes, we do not have any children. You are right that at least it is happening now and not later when we have kids or something more.
She is saying that she loves me but loves him also so I'm kinda confused about what is happening in her head. One day she is determined to forget him and another she is missing him. She clearly doesn't know what to do also.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Hadean said:


> Yes, we do not have any children. You are right that at least it is happening now and not later when we have kids or something more.
> She is saying that she loves me but loves him also so I'm kinda confused about what is happening in her head. One day she is determined to forget him and another she is missing him. She clearly doesn't know what to do also.


well, my wife tried the "I love you both..." and "It is possible to love more people at a time, you know.." stuff on me too. 

I read a lot about polygamy and found that it was something we should look in to. She even provided a free pass for me to try another woman "so I could feel what it was like". I used the pass, she got to deal with the mind movies, and that was the exact moment she lost all and every interest in "spouse sharing activities".


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

If you don't have children, get the hell out of dodge. PERIOD.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hadean said:


> Yes, we do not have any children. You are right that at least it is happening now and not later when we have kids or something more.
> She is saying that she loves me but loves him also so I'm kinda confused about what is happening in her head. One day she is determined to forget him and another she is missing him. She clearly doesn't know what to do also.


You are the 2nd choice. Clearly monogamy isn't for her.(especially when she gets 2 guys to fight for her). Find someone that will respect and will value you more.

If you are curious about her double standards and hypocrisy, start dating other women. See how she reacts to it. When she asks, give her the same answer. Tell her that you love her but you also want to explore other relationships


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I dont know why you cant understand what she is saying? she is in love with someone, she is is not in love with you.Why you wanted to be with a person who dont love you, who can disrespect you, who can lie and cheat on you?

She is not remorseful so she is screaming and yelling at you other wise she may have been on her knees doing everything right for your forgiveness.

Leave her man, she changed a lot, she is not the person you married.

She already told you monogamy is not her way, she shown that to you already, then how can you think that she will remain faithful to you for rest of her life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My guess is that she is still in contact with him. That's what's fueling her back and forth feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She takes you for granted no doubt. She doesn't buy for a minute you are going to leave her and move on. She has you so she gives sh!t about you. She's spoiled. You spoiled her. She doesn't respect you. She can't love someone she doesn't respect.
Consequences, friend. Crystal clear consequences. You need to think twice about this marriage. You needs space to think. I'd kick her out ASAP. Even if you stay in the same house you need to detach. Tell her marriage is on hold until further advice. Go hard 180. No more talks about marriage, relationship, affiar, nothing.
The 180 degree rules
No More Mr Nice Guy


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And of course keylog the PC. She's still in contact.


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