# Wife is leaving, Im devastated....



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I will start my story like so many others I have read here - Been married for 13 years (we are both 37), wife and I were high school sweethearts. We got along very well, enjoyed each others company, etc. We never have argued about money... we are not rich, but have never struggled financially (always had nice cars, boat, etc). We have no kids (were talking about having kids a month ago) We had a nice life, moved to FL alittle over a year ago and everything was great (or so I thought). She is truly the love of my life....

Out of the blue on the 8th of December, she hits me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore" speech. Said she needs to go out and do things herself (she has a masters degree, but has never held a significant job, I have always taken care of her financially), find out what makes her happy. Does't want anything from me financially. She recently lost a lot of weight and looks better than she ever has (she has always been beautiful to me), and now spends all her time on facebook playing mafia wars and chatting with who know who. I tried to confront her about having a emotional affair with someone on facebook, that was a big mistake - made her total withdraw and she denied it.

I am trying so hard to let her go and do her thing and make herself happy, but it is literally killing me. It't been almost a month, I cant eat much, I workout to keep sane and have lost almost 30 lbs - and although I look better on the outside than I have in years, on the inside I am dying.

She has moved into the spare room of our house, and at times we get along really good - we eat dinner, go shopping every once in a while (yes - I enjoy shopping with my wife, always have), but every time my emotions get the better of me and I ask questions, she regresses, withdraws and tried to find a job so she can move out (she does not work and has no way of supporting herself on her own at the moment) or spending all day in her room on the computer. I am trying real hard to just be happy (or act happy) with the status quo, but it is sooooo hard. 

I really think she is going through a midlife crisis, even though she is a little young. She has really not had a life of her own, her life was my life and what I was doing (I own a business that is continually growing, so we always were going to social events, traveling, getting together with friends, etc.) I can totally understand her wanting to do her own thing, but does she have to rip my heart out to do it?

I really fear that this is the end - especially if she moves out or gets a job somewhere that is not local. I have lived and worked my whole life to make her happy and provide for her, and now I am lost - I have never felt this kind of hurt and sadness.

Thanks for listening...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It sounds like so many marriages that were married young or with somebody since high school days. They are lacking something in their life that they think is better then where they are now. Yet you are powerless to change that. She is the only person that can come to realize that the grass isn't greener. All I can suggest is work on yourself and fix the issues with tie part In the marriage. Hopefully tyis is just a phase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

LH - Thanks for the kind words and I agree - work on myself and let her find her way.... it is very tough..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Cpt confused, All I can say is that I feel your pain. I too am confused and hurt. The saddness is unending but I think from everything I've read it's unavoidable and part of the process. I know nothing other than my wife of 30 years is Divorcing me. But I have found a lot of good advice on this site. Keep posting - it really helps. NAC


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue - 
I read your post, brought me to tears and it was actually what made me post.
It amazes me (and I am sure you too) that the loving, caring women we fell in love with is all of a sudden transformed to a cold and driven to leave person.
I, like you was taken totally off guard - must be something in the water here in Florida...


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

What I find truly amazing is how many men in here say that they love their wives and that they have been basically the center of their lives. Men usually get a bad rep for not being able to fully and deeply love... yet, here it is! It does exist for us.

Losing someone that you have known since you were teens, been with, shared a life with, weathered the storm with, and stood by over the years is more than devastating. I am sure that a lot of us here can truly identify with your pain and anguish. 

I wish that it was as simple as just taking a pill and washing all the pain away, but no such thing truly exists. What saddens me even more is that this type of situation raises it's ugly head during the holiday season. You know, the time of the year where we are all supposed to be spreading cheer and good wishes to all. The time of the year when we are reviewing the past year and thinking about the current time with our partner.

The pain is unspeakable I'm sure. What the others have said previous to me speak truth. There is nothing that you can say or do that is going to change the tide. In some strange yet robotic way, her mind is already made up. It's like the times and memories do not mean anything. You feel like she is throwing you out with yesterday's garbage. Don't let this destroy you and who you are. There is no crime in loving your spouse and living your lives as one. Isn't that what we are supposed to do?

You have played by the rules and you have done beyond what was asked. There is little else that you can do. You... like the rest of us feel helpless in putting this puzzle back together, and that is clearly understood.

Our stories is one of the reasons as to why this board is here in the first place. We all come here broken with the hopes of finding some solace, words of advice, strength, just to be able to vent. I hope that in some way, the participants of this community can help you mend... even if in some small way.

You already know what you have to do, and although it is not something that you want to do, and incredibly painful... you have to do it. I just hope that she can find her way back home to you.

My wife told me on the morning of the day that she moved out that if you love someone or something, you have to let it go. And it if comes back to you, then it was meant to be. No, those words didn't make me feel any better because in my mind, we should not have even made it to that point. But no matter how many degrees I was able to obtain, or my military service to my country, or whatever my accomplishments... I was unable to stop her from walking out of that door.

We feel your pain brother... we grieve with you. Be strong and continue to walk with your head up.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

DS - 
You are completely right. I know deep down that I have to let her go.. she has to figure this out on her own. But that does't help the pain go away. It's funny - my whole life I have been a problem solver (I am an engineer), but the one thing I want most, I cannot fix.

I also read your post, and I am sorry for what you are going through as well.

Thanks so much for the advice and kind words - it feels good to have people to talk to this about, especially people that understand from the heart...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks cpt confused, I hope your W comes to her senses. It seems like she is giving you some notice and may come to her senses. Maybe she would go to couples counseling ? My W is not receptive to anything but a D. All she says is get a Lawyer. Sad really after 30 year thats all she has to say. I can't save it, just a hope I can pick up the pieces and move on at some point. I hope you can save your situation, but you have to brace for the storm I guess. What do I know...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Couldn't have said it better myself DS. She is/was? the center of my Universe for sure. I have stood by her through some pretty bad stuff - but that is in the past to her and she only remembers the petty things I did wrong. Not the grand and noble things I did for her. You are right, I need to be strong for my daughter and hold my head high. I did nothing wrong or dishonorable.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

DS - I also agree with you about the amount of good guys I read on here that this happens to... I see myself as a good guy - I never cheated on my wife, even though I have had many opportunities, I tried to always tell her I loved her, be flirtatious, etc.. But I know I am not perfect - but she wont tell me what she is dissatisfied with - it's the "it's not you it's me syndrome" It's so frustrating.... but I know deep down that this is about her (I am willing to improve also), and that she has to be happy with herself, or she will never he happy with me...

The emotional roller-coaster is just unreal - at times I feel like I am king of the world and that I will be just fine. I was too co-dependant on her and I need to be happy with myself by myself... Then WHAM!!!! I get a paralyzing hurt and uncontrollable tears at how much I will miss sharing my life with her and how much I miss being with her.....


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC -

Counseling it out of the question with her - her masters is in Clinical Mental Health Counseling... I have read some good self help books and some of them suggest that getting them into counseling can be dangerous, as they will want to get her in touch with her "feelings", those same feeling that are clouding her judgement at the moment... so why have her concentrate on those... but like you said - what do I know.... I was happy and had a good life until a few weeks ago...:scratchhead:


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm sorry cpt confused, maybe she should get a "significant" job and see what a ***** it is. Maybe then she will appreciate what you have done for her all these years. 

After what my W did I am sure no expert on women, but what I don't understand is why your W can't get a big job and still stay married ....


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> NC -
> 
> Counseling it out of the question with her - her masters is in Clinical Mental Health Counseling... I have read some good self help books and some of them suggest that getting them into counseling can be dangerous, as they will want to get her in touch with her "feelings", those same feeling that are clouding her judgement at the moment... so why have her concentrate on those... but like you said - what do I know.... I was happy and had a good life until a few weeks ago...:scratchhead:


Wow I didn't know that at all. So counseling could be dangerous. I see your point, I think maybe that's my wife's problem.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - 

I think that is part of the problem with guys like us.... we make someone else the center of our universe - either because of our upbringing or morals or what not (I am not a particularly religious person, but I am a very moral person), when we should be making sure that we are taken care of and that we are happy with ourselves. The goal seems so clear to me, but the steps on how to get there are totally off my radar.

I really feel for you, as your wife is on the fast track to divorce and you have children involved, but what your wife is going through seems very similar to what mine is going through - I am 99% sure my wife is having a midlife crisis - And I know I, like you, want to be there for them and help them get through this, but they don't want our help.... I think subconsciously they blame us for their unhappiness with themselves...I think it takes time for them to realize that they have to be happy with themselves - if they can realize that..

But - I do know that no matter what happens, if we spend time improving ourselves (which is going to be the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life), we will be in a better place to handle whatever the wives send our way...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I really think she blames me for what she is going through, even though she won't say it. I think women in this state of mind think that they need a "clean slate", a "fresh start"... that will make them happy - when in the end I think most of them regret the decisions they make because they realize that the grass isn't greener...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> I really think she blames me for what she is going through, even though she won't say it. I think women in this state of mind think that they need a "clean slate", a "fresh start"... that will make them happy - when in the end I think most of them regret the decisions they make because they realize that the grass isn't greener...


I hope you are right. I asked her what she would do if she was wrong and she said that she would have to deal with it but she wasn't coming back. marriage over. That's what hurts so much - I have no way of fixing anything in her mind.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - here is something I found online from Divorce Busters... It's about how to act and react to your wife when she is acting like this:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


These are not hard set rules, but generally I think they work.. The happier I act around the wife, the more she lets her guard down... the second I act needy or want to get into a heavy discussion, she starts packing her s**t, looking for a job, etc.... I think #32 is very important...


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

We are always going to second guess our actions at this point. The mission was simple... get married to the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with and make it work. Basically, that's it in a nutshell. I mean everything else was secondary and that includes having children. So hear it is, you choose this person and you stop living for yourself, but you live for the both of you. In order to do that, you have to make some type of sacrifice. Usually and quite often we sacrifice ourselves.

It's true, love hurts. But love requires sacrifice. So what hurts most... is the sacrifice that we had made. This was something that we did all on our own. We did it her, we did it for us, we did it for our futures together... we did it unselfishly.

When I hear of situations like ours, it reminds me of high school. I'm sure that we've all had someone in high school or middle school who we had a crush on and "dated" briefly, only to show up to school the next day and they were drooling over some other person. We were as expendable as baseball trading cards. The hurt was what we thought was deep. But nevertheless, it was hurt. We've recovered and moved on. We may have even had our hearts and egos crushed a few more times after that... and then we've found... "The One".

One would think that when someone reaches a certain age, that the maturity levels should be as tall as a 50 story building... but that is not always the case. Certainly not the case in our situations! I refuse to believe that someone goes to bed in love with someone, secure in their future as one, and then wake up wanting to leave because they are in "relationship confusion". This is something that has been brewing over time, and instead of our significant others communicating these fears or concerns, the let them fester. It goes from being a small paper cut, to a deep gash in the throat.

Like quicksand, the more we fight to keep them... the faster they slip away. I am determined to make this year a better year... with or without my spouse. She has put me in the situation of shoring up my ship. I have to find the energy and strength to carry on for my kids and for me. No one is going to deny that the pain is great, but as long as we still carry breath in our lungs, then we need to march forward.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> These are not hard set rules, but generally I think they work.. The happier I act around the wife, the more she lets her guard down... the second I act needy or want to get into a heavy discussion, she starts packing her s**t, looking for a job, etc.... I think #32 is very important...


EXACTLY!!! Great list by the way!! I don't call my wife unless I absolutely need to. And that is where the children are concerned or if there is mail at my house that might be important to her. I'm not trying to screw her over... I'm not going to be spiteful. 

There are a lot of good pointers in that list. I am reading a book called "The Way of The Superior Man", and it basically points out some of the same things in that list.

Well done... well done.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> We are always going to second guess our actions at this point. The mission was simple... get married to the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with and make it work. Basically, that's it in a nutshell. I mean everything else was secondary and that includes having children. So hear it is, you choose this person and you stop living for yourself, but you live for the both of you. In order to do that, you have to make some type of sacrifice. Usually and quite often we sacrifice ourselves.
> 
> It's true, love hurts. But love requires sacrifice. So what hurts most... is the sacrifice that we had made. This was something that we did all on our own. We did it her, we did it for us, we did it for our futures together... we did it unselfishly.
> 
> ...


Well said.... I wish I had your clarity in thinking! Thanks for the great words....


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

quicksand analogy is spot on DS. exactly what I did wrong .


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I hate to jump in on the manwagon so to speak but when I was reading over that list which I have been following as close as possible some thing occured to me. Isnt it funny that they are the ones that came in and turned our worlds upside down and we are the ones that have to follow the list. Like oh my goodness lets be careful with them they are having a midlife crisis. Its true I love my husband dearly even though he has cheated on me and given a sincere apology and promise of counseling I would take him back. I made a vow. I guess it just quite naturally pees me off that were all going through this just because they cant figure out if they like theirselves or not. WHO CARES??? There are other people besides them!!!!! Ok sorry I stepped on your thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Hi Cpt.

Going thru this myself and reading the posts of others does help. However what resonates with me the most is how people can just leave and act like the 10,15 or 20 years meant nothing. I am shocked that people are wired in a way that allows them to just turn. If I felt like I wanted out of the relationship or if I was unhappy I would work with my spouse to fix that. I mean in my case there are three kids involved and just leaving changes the lives of five people. I could never just leave without trying. If after the trying there was nothing to be done then maybe I would understand, but in my case and others I don't. Like I said earlier its like some people are just wired wrong and have no remorse or thoughts of what destroying a family does to all parties. To do that without trying at all is just a travesty to me. Like someone said, in the past people stayed married forever, I am not sure if it should be that way but I do believe that if you are married every effort should be given to fix things. Unless there is cheating or abuse!!

Hang in there, we are all here for the same reason and it does help to talk....a little.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

noideato20 said:


> I hate to jump in on the manwagon so to speak but when I was reading over that list which I have been following as close as possible some thing occured to me. Isnt it funny that they are the ones that came in and turned our worlds upside down and we are the ones that have to follow the list. Like oh my goodness lets be careful with them they are having a midlife crisis. Its true I love my husband dearly even though he has cheated on me and given a sincere apology and promise of counseling I would take him back. I made a vow. I guess it just quite naturally pees me off that were all going through this just because they cant figure out if they like theirselves or not. WHO CARES??? There are other people besides them!!!!! Ok sorry I stepped on your thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are welcome to post on my thread anytime.. Yeah, it does suck that the ones that have had their hearts ripped out have to be the ones to walk on egg shells.... but I do love her, I have always loved her. I just hope that she will figure out that she does love me.
In the end, I just want her to be happy, but the thing that makes her the happiest is the thing that makes me the most unhappy...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Sportsman said:


> Hi Cpt.
> 
> Going thru this myself and reading the posts of others does help. However what resonates with me the most is how people can just leave and act like the 10,15 or 20 years meant nothing. I am shocked that people are wired in a way that allows them to just turn. If I felt like I wanted out of the relationship or if I was unhappy I would work with my spouse to fix that. I mean in my case there are three kids involved and just leaving changes the lives of five people. I could never just leave without trying. If after the trying there was nothing to be done then maybe I would understand, but in my case and others I don't. Like I said earlier its like some people are just wired wrong and have no remorse or thoughts of what destroying a family does to all parties. To do that without trying at all is just a travesty to me. Like someone said, in the past people stayed married forever, I am not sure if it should be that way but I do believe that if you are married every effort should be given to fix things. Unless there is cheating or abuse!!
> 
> Hang in there, we are all here for the same reason and it does help to talk....a little.


I couldn't agree with you more.... but I do know deep down that I don't want her to stay because she feels sorry for me or out of guilt. I want her to stay, but I want her to want to say...

I have read alot about women in midlife crisis, and I think that when they go through this, they are not thinking clearly. They are being selfish and acting like a teenager at times... it's a hard thing for them to go through, but they rationalize everything in their mind so it is easier for them to just leave... it sucks bad and I really feel for you too - I know the hell that I am going through and I don't wish this on anyone....


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

noideato20 said:


> I hate to jump in on the manwagon so to speak but when I was reading over that list which I have been following as close as possible some thing occured to me. Isnt it funny that they are the ones that came in and turned our worlds upside down and we are the ones that have to follow the list. Like oh my goodness lets be careful with them they are having a midlife crisis. Its true I love my husband dearly even though he has cheated on me and given a sincere apology and promise of counseling I would take him back. I made a vow. I guess it just quite naturally pees me off that were all going through this just because they cant figure out if they like theirselves or not. WHO CARES??? There are other people besides them!!!!! Ok sorry I stepped on your thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You aren't stepping on anyone's thread. Pain is pain. Doing someone dirty is a male and female thing. It's an "us" thing. You are correct in what you have said though... they turn us upside down and right side up. You would swear that we are on a roller coaster! Yet... we are the ones who still have to play by some type of rules!!


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

I start out that I got my speech on the 13th of Dec.

Of course for me, this came out of left field for me, though for her, it's been something that has been brewing for a long time.


These so called rules, it is so difficult to follow and yes we are talking. What the heck do you do when she ask the questions? 
Just how the heck do you handle it?

I don't believe in divorce, both personal and religious convictions. I don't want it but do realize that I probably will have to go through it.

I do think she is in mid life crisis. I just can't stand seeing herself not only destroying my kids life, my life, but her own.

Unfortunately, I can't avoid talking to her at all because I run my own business. So I have to tell what to deposits and when. Since she told me, she has been very corporative in that aspect.

Yesterday when she came to pick up the kids, we did talk a little bit and did tell her I would like to talk about us, just not at this moment. She also asked me about custody and what I wanted. I did tell her i do want to do a 50 50 custody, but didn't want to go into detail. I did make the mistake of telling her that I talked to my family friend and asked them if we can use their address. At this point i should of made a suggestion for her to think about it.

I know that i would do things that would hurt her, but she kept her mouth shut. In an email just after the speech, she did tell me that both she doesn't love me and not happy with the marriage.

I know part of our problem she had with me was my temper. Personally, i think she would just be over reacting and made the mistake of calling her a sensitive Suzy. But now realize some things was not her way of thinking about the things. She felt that I always treated her family like crap. I don't think so, but too late, what was said has been said.

I do know I have to go into therapy for myself, a marriage counselor and even maybe a psychologist for some behavioral help. 

I'm lost,scared and just disgusted with my current life situation. 

Many people have asked me if there is another person. Honestly don't have a positive answer to that one. Of course i hope not,but do realize there may be.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Looks as if you are in the right place millmant. We're all here leaning on each other's shoulder. You have already completed your first step, and that was talking about your part in your possible contribution to the down slide of your marriage.

As always and like anything else, time will tell. I do hope and wish the best for you and your family though.


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## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

Ok, I basically skipped past all the replies to your post because you're experiencing the exact same thing I went through in 2006-2008. I don't really have much to add because our stories are so similar. She had an emotional affair with an old friend she reconnected with from high school. She was working out and lost alot of weight. We're also high school sweet hearts. We had just bought our first home together after 16 years of marriage. Yada, yada, yada... After she told me she didn't love me anymore I went into "fix it" mode. If you're currently in this mode then you need to stop. It's going to sink your marriage further. My best advice is to go out and purchase a book titled "I Love You but I'm Not IN Love with You" by Andrew G. Marshall. You will find that it refers to your situation perfectly. It will open your eyes as to what she's going through and shed a light on some things that are making your relationship stale. Read through it and then share what you read with her. If she becomes interseted like my wife did then buy her a copy and discuss what you read together. I promise it will make the whole situation clearer and allow you to take the correct steps at saving your marriage. If your wife reads it and clears up her confusion then she'll buy in to fixing your marriage. It worked for my wife and I. I hope it works for you.

AJ-


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

AJ-
thanks for the advice... i will get the book...

Greg


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## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

Hey Cpt,
Sorry I'm joining the thread a little late, but you are in good hands here. I just recently found this website and I firmly believe God lead me here. It's amazing to me that so many people are going through almost exactly what I'm going through. I got the "I love you but not in love with you" speech almost a year ago. I've been partners with my W since 1992 and she has just been EVERYTHING to me since. I considered my self a good husband, friend, lover to my wife and a great Dad to our 11 yr old daughter, the center of my universe. Then, just like that, my W turned on a dime (it seemed to me). I later found out that it was someone she worked with. I saw that list just tonight and wish I had seen it earlier because I must have violated about 12 rules!! You can't help it. It's the emotional roller coaster. I'm still devastated and will be for a long time. I surround myself with family and friends as often as I can. I'm gonna join a gym this year and really start working on taking care of myself, my daughter, and my finances, which are in shambles right now. Most importantly, I'm back in church with my daughter. I'm no bible-thumper, but a wise friend told me to give all my pain and suffering to God. WHat God giveth, God taketh away. Leave it in his hands. You'll see that you can't go wrong. I know it's early in the going for you, and everything looks bleak, but it will get better, my friend. Just stay on a good path, rediscover YOU, and just try to take some good away from this. You may not see it now, but in time, you will. Take it from all of us who've been there. Keep posting, and keep reading everyone's posts. It's therapy for free! You are in my thoughts and prayers, my good man. Hang in there.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Hey cpt just checking in. Hope the day was kind to you. Let us know about the book. I pretty much think Ive tried everything except mind control...lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts, it really means alot to me. 
Yesterday was tough day for me. My wife, while she is cordial to me, spends all day on the damn computer, playing online games, chatting, whatever. Will come out to eat (with me) but then right back in her room. Every time I hear the door open or even a little noise, my heart jumps. I feel emotionally drained.

She did come to my office to help out yesterday, and we were pleasant to each other, I try like hell to keep the happy face on, smile and listen attentively to anything she says, but it is soooo damn hard when all I really want to do is grab her and give her a passionate kiss. I truly feel like I am dying. Just doing day to day things seem so draining. 

But some good has come out of this for me. I realize now that I am way too codependent on her (I think that it is hard not to be when 2 people are together for any length of time), and I should have encouraged her to be more of an individual too. A little late, but I will never make those mistakes again..

For you guys out there who think your wife may be going though a midlife crisis, a good ebook i found was "Survive your wifes midlife crisis" by Chrtine Schaap - really helped put alot of things in perspective.

The other book I have read about halfway - it seems more geared to people that are not quite at the separation stage but on the brink. But it is a good read with a lot of good advise..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Very painful stuff - 
when people withdraw they hold all the cards 
you tell her how you feel, you are open - she takes this but does not share - 
once this starts to happen the more you express the more she will withdraw....
you are hurting bad for a reason - this is really unpleasant behaviour

I thought it was interesting that you blamed yourself for confronting her about having an EA - you are most probably 100% correct - so why do you blame yourself for her response?
She is at fault here - she can deny it outright and explain her behaviour instead of just withdrawing 
See how she is training you not to confront her with the truth???
Sorry but have been living this hell for 12 months with my H. 
Feel like I am a sad expert on it...

my advice -
whatever you do don't start blaming yourself -
regain some of the power by detaching - these are just words - it aint easy....

Her search for 'happiness' comes at an enormous cost to your security and the sanctity of your relationship....

That is why it is hurting you - 

I am not saying don't give her space or stop loving her - I am just saying listen to your own heart and start protecting it....

It is her thing - her deamons - right now you are not the centre of her world...act accordingly 

sorry if some of this sounds harsh...

take care - and come here to vent - don't feed her anything.....


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

cpt_confused said:


> NC - here is something I found online from Divorce Busters... It's about how to act and react to your wife when she is acting like this:
> 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
> implore.
> 2. No frequent phone calls.
> ...


Funny thing is I did all those things on this list.. I made it harder but still got my wife back and some how got her to see what damage she was doing. I guess sometimes people get lucky.. Yet these are good rules to follow. I am just unable to follow them.. Hang tough I know about the facebook games and stuff. She is trying to keep her mind busy cause she is going through a battle too. Whether thats a battle to find herself or to force herself to leave you. I know where you and your not alone..


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Wow LH you did everything wrong for a while and still got her back. I've done some of those things wrong that is for sure. Unfortunately it is common I believe in these situations. I'm not doing those things now. 

Follow the list as hard as it is.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

knortoh said:


> Very painful stuff -
> when people withdraw they hold all the cards
> you tell her how you feel, you are open - she takes this but does not share -
> once this starts to happen the more you express the more she will withdraw....
> ...


No need to apologize - I rather enjoy candid conversation.
This is sound advise and exactly what I needed to hear this morning.. Thank you very much...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - today totally sucked.... over the weekend we were going over our fiances on my computer, and this stupid macintosh keeps screen shots of the last 30 or so sites you have visited, and her myspace page was on one of them - well that royally pissed her off, she thinks I'm spying on her, etc, etc... I hate this..


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Well - today totally sucked.... over the weekend we were going over our fiances on my computer, and this stupid macintosh keeps screen shots of the last 30 or so sites you have visited, and her myspace page was on one of them - well that royally pissed her off, she thinks I'm spying on her, etc, etc... I hate this..


I also have a Mac. Looks like someone didn't clear their history!


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> I also have a Mac. Looks like someone didn't clear their history!


Yeah - i really wasn't trying to hide anything. She has just lost her mind... I wish the woman I love would show up and slap some sense into her...


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## Nice Guys Finish Last (Jan 4, 2010)

sorry man, i really feel for you. I'm going to take your advice and read how to survive your wife's MLC.....funny that mine is only 29 and doing this.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Nice its not about mid life for women its key years.. When a women leaves her 20's she is no longer considered "young" It also means near the end of birthing years safely. A women at this age might reflect where shes been and where shes going and that might be a reason for it. Mine did it at the turn of 30 and at 35. I told her if you do it again at 40 I am done!!


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - today was good and bad... Wife finally came out of her room and ate dinner with me, but she started a new facebook page with her maiden name, told all her mafia war pals she was getting divorced...
I am so emotionally done it isn't even funny - I am so sad but can no longer muster any tears.. I don't want this to end, but I know its not up to me... I sooo hate my life right now....


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## Nice Guys Finish Last (Jan 4, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Well - today was good and bad... Wife finally came out of her room and ate dinner with me, but she started a new facebook page with her maiden name, told all her mafia war pals she was getting divorced...
> I am so emotionally done it isn't even funny - I am so sad but can no longer muster any tears.. I don't want this to end, but I know its not up to me... I sooo hate my life right now....


I'm sorry for how that made you feel, i could only imagine. I truly feel for you and feel your pain. I will pray for you as you have prayed for me. keep strong my man.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hang in there 
just hang in there 
keep breathing
get out and do some strenuous exercise -
ignore her as much as you can


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Hmm i hate to say this and i no many will argue this but i suggest going to 
Larry Bilotta s website cause a midlife crisis turns out exspecially on the persons upbringing can actually come at any time its more of feeling like she or he is alienated from there own self and has to find themselves to be right and you are the easiest to blame at the moment... No offence but take and go to that guys site read his info sign up for his free phone call deal its more then worth it and he will send you a ebook on just that thing you talk about and believe me you will like it and it will give you insight or you can post me in private and ill send you a copy of the material myself..
either way you can get around this and the EA it only takes some insight into her mind that you wont get cause as well as you no her right now she is not that person right now she might not even no who she really is either .. long story but its worth the info post me or go to the site and get the phone call yourself and he will send it to you for free , if not i can email it to you if you would like...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

listen to K.. Do not listen to her.. Believe only a little part of it.. My wife told me and the cousellor that she was done with me. Even the counsellor told me she never saw somebody be as determined as my wife was and come back. Well 3 months later she was begging me not to leave her. Let her spin her wheels. She is digging the hole..


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

thanks all - I really appreciate your support...
beinneed... I send you a pm...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Today.... well.. I have to say today was the first day I actually felt ok.. Came home from work, wife was home on facebook with her new account... I let our dog out and told her I had some plans... I really didn't want to be around her... that was the first time in 20 years I have ever felt like that.. it almost made me giddy... so i went to a nice department store and bought some new undershirts and boxer briefs (TMI - I know...but I have not been shopping alone in a very, very long time).. then I went out to dinner by myself (I usually offer to cook almost every night - like I have for the past 15 years - I love to cook) I didn't ask her anything... Came home about 8 oclock - she's back in her room with the door open - Oh well. This is the first day in over a month I have not cried (albeit the day is not over yet)... Did a kick ass cardio workout (burned 700 calories) was feeling pretty good about myself..

So then my stupid a$$ decides to look at her new FB page - and she was being very flirtatious (might I say almost $lutty) with just about anyone who would listen... I wanted to just slap her upside the head and ask her WTF!!!! But I would never lay a hand on my wife (nor have I ever). THIS IS NOT THE WOMEN I MARRED!!! WHERE THE HELL DID MY WIFE GO?? I am my own worst enemy some times.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

you are doing great 
it is very destablising to see someone you know so well doing things that don't connect in this way....
humans are complex creatures cpt.
don't blame yourself fo rlooking what she is doing on facebook -it' natural 
but if it hurts don't do it anymore
let her have that 
all to herself 
won't deliver anything in the long run - it's a mindless distraction -


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Sounds like over all you had a good day yesterday cpt. Seems like the pain is easier when you keep yourself distracted and doing something for you. As far as the computer anybody would do the same thing. Something you said struck a chord with me and that was "where is my wife". I totally get that and Im still not at the point where I can understand how the man I lived with for 18 years just dissapeared and was replaced with that uncaring shell. Maybe someday.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

today - well I don't even know what to say...

She was very nice to me today - laughing giggling, etc.. came out of her room most of the day.. but I know it's all a lie... many many tears today (she didn't see any, but damn I am still hurting.. then 8:00pm - whoom into her room door shut on the pc.. says she's looking for a job - but I have logs I know she's on facebook - but I am really starting not to care anymore... think im gonna go work out.. she can hear that ( I work out in my house) - but I don't care - gonna keep myself looking and trying to feel good...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm sorry cpt. stay strong. sounds like you are doing all the right things like going shopping and working out. When your wife gets that job she is looking for she will be in for one rude surprise I can assure you of that. It's not all that fun and it won't change her life into a wonderful existance like she thinks.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue - 

I know that's true... even to the point I am trying to help her find the damn job.. but... in my mind, she could do all this without having to leave our marriage - but again - she is not thinking clearly that's for sure... I know this is going to be a long road - hope Im up for the journey.

Hope you are feeling better today... man it sure was cold here on the SW coast today.. had the winter jacket on!!


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Yep cpt, snowed up this way. TV News showed the pics, but I missed the snow. LOL Today has been up and down. While I can cognitively accept the situation, things trigger emotional reactions. And of course I'm worried about future finances on the practical side. 

Seems your wife needs to get a taste of real life at work - it's a lot worse than she thinks. Did she ever expain why marriage and work are mutually exclusive ?


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Form her I got the "I love you but not in love with you speech".. when I probed her, I got the "I haven't lived any life but your life" - which she said the other day when we talked alittle.. I don't think she is lying... 
Our lives have been very busy and I like to be social and do things with friends (with my wife included - I included her in 99% of everything I did - I loved spending time with her) - trips, boating/fishing, business events, black tie gala's, etc. I thought she was having fun, but as I look back I can honestly say that I cannot name 1 thing my wife likes to do that has been 100% her idea. Everything she said she likes to do were all my idea (boating, fishing, traveling, moving to FL, etc). She does not know what makes her happy.. and I have to tell you, that make me very sad... I feel for her and what she is going through, even though she does not reciprocate those feelings to what I am going through...
I am hoping that she will just snap out of it and realize that she does love me.. but even if she did, things have to change big time... I am NOT going though this again I can promise you that


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

You can't be responsible for her happiness, that has to come from within her. This is exactly the same thing I'm dealing with my W. She thinks if she changes her life she will be happy. I think she will just change her life and nothing will change but the view. We will see. Sounds like your wife may do well with getting some counseling help.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

She will never do that - she has a Masters degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling... it's just all around sad...she doesn't feel there is anything wrong with what she is doing... I do truly feel that some day she will see the error of her ways - but I am afraid by then I will have moved on, even though now I don't want to move on...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Anyone who has a wife that is acting the way mine is, these are great reads that are full of great advice:
Surviving Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis - Midlife Crisis

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/protection_spouses_midlifecrisis.htm


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Anyone who has a wife that is acting the way mine is, these are great reads that are full of great advice:
> Surviving Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis - Midlife Crisis
> 
> Midlife Crisis - Taking Care Of Yourself During Your Spouse’s Midlife Crisis


cpt_confused... great information!! Thank you for putting this out there!


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Ok - here is my post for the day - weird to say the least..

I get up about 8am - get on the pc - I know she is up and on the computer - playing mafia wars.. I'm ok with that - even though I know she is addicted to playing this game, if it makes her happy then fine. So I get my lazy but up about 8:30, make coffee, (we are both coffee addicts), I grab breakfast (yogurt, banana and some granola), eat it in my room, she does not come out of hers. So I eat, get a shower, shave get dressed in an nice pair of jeans and a good sweater.. she is still in her room. So I say - F - it, Im leaving.. So I grab my jacket and walk out. I don't say anything to her. Know realize I have no where to go, so I go to our boat - give it a check since it's cold. Turn off the AC, check the bilges, make sure it's still floating, etc. Waste about 1.5 hrs. Then I come back home - she is in her room, door open on the computer. I turn on the TV, start watching Fox News (sorry if I offend anyone, but the wife and I are both very libertarian/republican, and one thing we have in common is our political views) - low and behold she comes out of her room, sits on the couch across from me and we are discussing politics - had a pretty good time too. I made myself some lunch, offered her some breakfast, which she accepted. She even fell asleep on the couch across from me - I was very happy even if I was being alittle delusional - I even took a picture of her while she slept and I cried, as I knew when she woke up she would be right back in her room. 

Well sure as $hit - when she woke up - right to her room, right on the PC to play that f&ck1ng game. So I left again - went out to dinner by myself, had a half dozen drinks or so (I know I shouldn't, but what the h3ll..) I come home, she is still in her room, door open on the pc.. I hate having to do this, acting like I am going out to have fun when all I am doing is going to waste time.. It depresses me soooo much, and I am hurting sooo bad - she doesn't care..


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

It seems like you are more frustrated with her not even noticing you than you having to find something to do. This is what I am talking about when I say that we have our lives on hold waiting for them to figure out what it is that they want.

I hope that you at least had the chance to watch some football today!


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I did watch the Green Bay game at the bar - but to be honest, I am not much of a sports fan (I don't mind them ( I do like college football), but I don't watch sports much on TV) - I am more of an educational TV type of guy (I am actually watching a science channel thing right now on the speed of light).. Which is weird to me too - most of my friends (and some of who are divorced) watch football every sunday - no matter what their wives wanted to do - not me.. I would rather go to the beach or go fishing with the wife... all for not


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Cpt. Know where your at on this one. Before my h moved I was out of the house so much it didnt even seem like my house. I would just get up and go anywhere and it was like he couldnt care less. This is going to be a real hard time for you. Be gentle with yourself and your liver.lol Just keep on keeping on because the cat is out of the bag now and no matter how nice she is or how much time she spends with you, you know everything has changed and she knows it too. Dont let her work you. Remember this is not new to her at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

How ironic... in order for them to think that we have something else going on, we have to lie to them and ourselves. We head out of the home and stay away for long periods of time doing nothing, in which they may think that we are doing something. 

Even in doing nothing, we are still guilty of doing something. Huh? Yeah... that's it. Irony is a b**ch.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Yeah - it is so strange - half of me just wants to be here with her because I know she wont be here long - but then my brain starts to go to work and I know it is only temporary... so as soon as she does something I don't like it is easier just to leave..
As for my liver - it has been through enough training to handle this  I don't get hammered too often now since I do enjoy working out and it hampers that... but at times, putting a good buzz on really helps... like now


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> How ironic... in order for them to think that we have something else going on, we have to lie to them and ourselves. We head out of the home and stay away for long periods of time doing nothing, in which they may think that we are doing something.
> 
> Even in doing nothing, we are still guilty of doing something. Huh? Yeah... that's it. Irony is a b**ch.


As always - your words are sooooo true and 100% correct... Irony is a b1tch!!


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I am just all kinds of frustrated right now - I don't know what to do... Should I just tell her to file for divorce? Give up? I hate this living day to day crap - it is killing me... I feel like I cannot move on.

I want so much to just go in her room and just have it out, even though I know this does not do any good.. I am soo hurt and soo angry I cannot even concentrate - it is effecting everything I do or have to do - I can barely even work because she is all that is on my mind... why does this have to be soooo frickin hard???


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hey Cpt, sorry your day did not go well. I wish that I had some words of wisdom for you tonight, but my W is pulling all kinds of BS also. I know in my case she doesn't care, but maybe yours still does ? 

The only way is to make some time with her when you both can sit down and talk when you are not so upset. She needs to hear your concerns and what you are feeling, especially if you are about to file for a divorce. It may do no good , but at least she will have one last chance.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - You are right - I decided against a confrontation and decided to work out instead.. I think I will need my head to cool for a few days before I decide to have a serious talk with her. I have all but been ignoring her (unless she speaks to me, then I listed attentively and make good eye contact).... She got really pissed at me today because my phone was ringing and I decided not to answer it (It was an old college buddy calling, and I knew it, but I did not tell her) - I am one that always answers my phone (due to my business), but I said to her that I don't need to answer it right now, I will take the call later, I know who it is.. 
She got upset by that - don't know why... maybe I'm over analyzing.. But after she made dinner and we ate, I went in my room, closed the door and called my buddy back - keeping the conversation low except for the occasional loud laugh... When I came out, she was in her room on the PC - what else is new.. 

More than likely I am over analyzing and I just need to face the music.. I so don't want to give up, but I can't keep living like this..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

You know Cpt, what I can't understand is how a smart woman with a masters in mental health counseling can act like this. She has to know what is happening to your relationship and the strain it is causing ? Maybe she can explain it to you from a mental health professional's standpoint ? I'm not kidding or trying to be flip, I think she should try to use her education to help the situation. 

I also think maybe you should break her computer , LOL.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I hear ya... bad thing is I bought the damn thing for her...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Todays saga - with alittle of yesterday mixed in...

All day today I have been debating with myself whether or not to have a stern discussion with the wife, tell her how hurt I am and push her to either file for the D or lets work it out - her choice (not the smartestof moves I know)...

Yesterday she was at home all day, didn't leave the house. So when I came home, I asked her if she wanted to get out of the house, she said no (I was going to take her to dinner, but she shot me down).. 

Today she is online applying for jobs all over the country - I cried most of the day. I really don't want her to go.. and I really don't want a D..

So I come home from work today - low and behold the wife is dressed, sitting on the couch watching fox news! Not on the computer..
Seems she went to target today and picked me up some things - a clothes hamper, saline solution, teeth whitening trays (I made mention a week or two ago that I wanted the trays as the strips suck) - very weird she would do this, but ok I will take nice when I can get it..

So I ask her if she ate, she said no.. so I offer to take her out, she says ok... So we go out, she has a few drinks (I don't), but while we are eating and even before we went out, she says she has a lead on the job and when we get home she needs to rearrange her resume.. I don't say anything, let it just roll off.

So while we were eating she mentions it like 4 more times... so I ask where the job is... it is 1200 miles away.. I very calmly tell her that I don't want her to go. I almost broke down right there... I mean I barely held the tears in and kept my composure... then she says "I know, but there are no jobs here". I say I know that, but I still don't want you to go..
She sits there for a minute, then says "well I am way under-qualified for that job and my chances of getting it are slim to none" Man was I confused... why make such a big deal and then say that?

So we finish eating, drive home. She goes in her room to work on her resume.. but I look at the logs - she is on mafia wars -which I am for once ok with..

We had a good time at dinner, had lots of eye contact, but I dont know how she really feels about me.. and I am too afraid just to ask... I've been in my room trying to work as I have a big meeting tomorrow - but I just cannot stop crying...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - scrap that - she is doing job stuff now...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm so sorry Cpt, don't know what to say. I know how you feel, but in the end you may have to face the fact that she is going to do what she wants. Not that it makes sense or it's right. 
Right now I'm still in the denial stage in my heart, but I know the end is near in my mind. It's like a run away freight train that can't be stopped. 

Just a thought, but why can't she open her own business in Naples. Whether it's counseling of some kind or something different. If she really wants a challenge she could do that and still stay with you .


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I wish I knew - I would help her start a business too - but I just think she doesn't want to be with me.. it kills me..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm sorry cpt., all I can do is pray for you and your W. 

But from your description of last night, it sounds to me like she still has not made up her mind ? It's one thing to apply online for a job 1200 miles away. Quite another to actually interview for it and move to a new city all alone.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

True - but it is very close to where we are originally from.. I actually have an office in the town...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I tried to go and talk to her, I asked her if she is happier since we have been separated (even though we live in the same house) she said, "I know this is not what you want to here, but yes).. I kinda figured that would be her response, so I stayed strong, I then asked her if she could point to some of the things that she did not like about our relationship.. she said she was tired and would like to talk about this later (she was nice about it, but I was still pissed)... I am trying to get her to use her brain, but looks like the brain is not listening... it all emotions right now..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Oh the brain is working all right. I think she is just avoiding the situation for now. 

Now that I look back, my W did the same thing for the last few months when I tried to talk to her. I couldn't engage her in any deep discussions no matter how I tried. Now she has totally shut off.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Yeah - I don't want to push her, but the way I see it, I deserve some answers, and she needs to think about what she is doing... I think I will get her to talk - I just have to be patient.. it's like playing chess I think.

Im not sure she will tell me the truth anyway.. it's so weird because we are in the same house... I don't think she gets a chance to really miss me at all - The past 2 mornings she was up when I got up, she made coffee and smalltalk... same thing when I got home yesterday and today - she was here - we ate together had smalltalk, etc... but she shows no affection towards me, but she always wants to talk about anything but the relationship... politics, sure... facebook... sure, weather....sure,...her job search....absolutely.....relationship....not a f&ck1ng chance..

The weird thing is that tonight I know she wanted me to take her to dinner - you know how you know your spouse and what they are thinking (most of the time...when the go off the deep end I know it is harder)... But I cannot understand why.... And when I confronted her again about taking a job 1200 miles away..she kept saying.."it's not a done deal" with one breath and "I'll move to India if that's where the money is at" with the other...
I know she really doesn't want to leave Florida - she practically dragged me here (I really wanted to move here too).. But she is so stubborn and hard headed..

I feel better now, and I don't know why - I looked at her business email and I saw she sent a resume to a guy she talks with on facebook about the job 1200 miles away... Oh well, it's like you said - its one thing to send a resume, it's another to actually go through with it....

And she has not mentioned the D word to me yet.... even though she told me a few weeks ago she doesn't want to be married anymore... Sometimes I just want to call her bluff, but gambling has never been my strongpoint 

Thanks for listening


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

not sure I'd force the relationship talk right now 
and I agree it is a big thing to move - it could all be talk...
do you think that you can try detaching from her even more ?
doing your own thing as much as you can?
give her space?
it is not a real separation for her yet -
not by a long shot...


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused... It's amazing the situation that we are all in here. It's almost like they want to flip a coin to determine how they want to be with us on any given day. I was talking a a friend of mine, and he was my best man when my wife and I got married. I've told him that she moved out... and his answer was..., "Again?" I'm like yeah... but what can I do? Se we talked for awhile and nothing was making sense to him either.

I have come to this conclusion... there are so many things out in the media that are working against us. Everything is short term. No one wants to actually sit down and discuss anything anymore. When our grandparents were married, they were married for the long haul because they didn't have to rush home to watch their favorite TV shows, or hurry to chat with some one on Skype, Facebook, Yahoo! Messenger, or whatever. Events were family oriented and planned for family enrichment. We have gotten so far away from all of that. It seems that no one has time to communicate anymore with those who actually matter.

Back in the day, families actually did things together! They sat around the radio in the parlor (living room in today's lingo), went on trips as a family, ate together as a family, completed house chores together, all-in-all they just spent time in being with each other. This is what helped communication to blossom. 

As wonderful as technology is, it has a catch 22. We may be able to pick up the phone and call someone in Hong Kong, or send them an e-mail in english and they receive it in their native tongue, or even see news as it happens on the other side of the globe... but we are losing something else. We are sacrificing what this technology was supposed to do in the first place... and that is to bring us closer to together. Again, the irony of it all.

By the time they figure out just what it is that they have so freely and willingly have given up... it may be seriously too late. Have faith brother, keep the faith.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I am done trying to analyze, interpret or otherwise take any inference from any of her actions - everything she does now either just hurts me or pisses me off... Why can't I stop looking at her stupid a$$ posts on facebook????? I feel like at times I am just plain stupid...

Man I am feeling low the past few days... I am trying to keep a good attitude, but this is effecting every aspect of my life... It is sooo hard to get any work done or to even get motivated to do any work...


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Well - I am done trying to analyze, interpret or otherwise take any inference from any of her actions - everything she does now either just hurts me or pisses me off... Why can't I stop looking at her stupid a$$ posts on facebook????? I feel like at times I am just plain stupid...
> 
> Man I am feeling low the past few days... I am trying to keep a good attitude, but this is effecting every aspect of my life... It is sooo hard to get any work done or to even get motivated to do any work...


You are going to have to change. She's changed and at this time, she has no intention on trying to change for the benefit of your relationship. 

I know that it is easier said than done, but you have to do it. When you get up in the morning, stop making her coffee. Stop or greatly limit the things that you normally do with her. Trust me, she already has you all figured out. She knows that you are going to chase her and she knows that you are always going to be there for her if she needs you. In other words... you are dependable. 

Sounds like it's time for you to "sour the milk".


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I know you are probably right.. it is so hard to do, but getting easier by the day - I hate feeling like $h1t all the time.
I have to really figure out how to make myself happy - but is sure isn't easy...

Thanks for listening...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It's going to be very hard while you are in the same house. very understandable that the pressure is getting to you. 
Do you guys have a timeline ?
Do you have a plan to move things on?
How can we help you to make things better?


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

knortoh said:


> It's going to be very hard while you are in the same house. very understandable that the pressure is getting to you.
> Do you guys have a timeline ?
> Do you have a plan to move things on?
> How can we help you to make things better?


Yeah - I know its hard with us in the same house - even though she is in a different room... I can spend more time out of the house, but it is hard... I like to relax after being at the office all day - but I think I am going to start spending a few late nights out with some friends or on my boat (when it warms up)..

There is no timeline... she is just trying to find a job so she can move out... trying to discuss her plans with her is like pulling teeth..

I have no plan to move things on... as much as she drives me crazy, the thought (as inevitable as it is) of coming home to an empty house every night really brings my spirit down..

I appreciate the question of what you can do  I know this has to come from me... This board is such a good place to come and vent.. I really don't like to talk about this much in person to friends (I always feel they are judging her because they know her, and I really don't want them to do that or do I want them to choose sides), so this board helps me to verbalize what I am feeling... and I always feel better after I post... So thanks to everyone who reads and comments... IT REALLY helps me to stay sane!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

okey dokey 
just a hard place to be at the moment
hang in there 
take it easy 
be gentle with her and with yourself...
get out - (when you can)
sounds like you do have a plan....
I appreciate your loyalty to her and protectiveness...
hope things improve


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> I appreciate the question of what you can do  I know this has to come from me... This board is such a good place to come and vent.. I really don't like to talk about this much in person to friends (I always feel they are judging her because they know her, and I really don't want them to do that or do I want them to choose sides), so this board helps me to verbalize what I am feeling... and I always feel better after I post... So thanks to everyone who reads and comments... IT REALLY helps me to stay sane!


Staying sane is so over rated. (LOL) We're all here to help each other and we are all leaning on each other's shoulder. I really enjoy reading over everyone's posts and the replies that follow. We are all on the same boat. It's just that some of us are at different levels with the same problem.

In a way, it's like we've become a family here and we satisfy the need to communicate better than our significant others would do with us. 

All we can do is keep the faith brother... just hold your head up high, and stand tall.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks my friend...

It is so weird for me... I have always been aggressive in business and my career... a typical "A" type personality (not with her for the most part, but I did like being in control - One of things I realize now was bad on my part). 

Now I have none of those feelings... I feel like I am not myself anymore.. I am afraid of how I will feel once she actually leaves...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

cpt - you may well feel worse (for a while)
but there will be positives as well 
in any event you can't live in this limbo forever -
that is a killer.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Think Knortoh is right cpt, you need an answer. Seems like your W is just waiting for a job to come up and then she is gone. Until then she will keep you in Limbo. Probably why she trys to avoid the situation and talking to you at this time. 

Only you can decide how long to wait...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC and K - 

I know, but like you NC, I still hold out hope deep down that she will snap out if this and want to work things out (I am an eternal optimist) Their are times I see my old wife in there - today she called me (she has not called or texted me in over a month) to see if I wanted a sandwich for lunch - she was out and about and knew I was in the office alone (I was out most of the day). She went and got me lunch and we ate together at my office - this is the type of thing my old wife used to do - and we had fun doing it.. she also spent most of the night with me watching TV, cooking dinner, etc and then proceeded to tell me what she was doing tomorrow ( I never ask details of what she is doing) - again - all things me and the old wife used to do...
But she is still not affectionate towards me... and I know she looks for jobs all over the country every day..

So my plan is I will not spend time with her unless she request to spend time with me. I will not start any conversations unless she starts them first. I am going to keep eating right and keep working out (I am thinner and more defined now than anytime since we have been married) and just keep being myself - either she will come back or she won't... I have to keep myself up and be responsible for my own good mental health.. I know it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.. and I know I will have down days - probably many more down days, but I have to believe that I will get through this..


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused, it's great that she is showing you parts of her old self. But be watchful and mindful that it can still go either way. Take things on a day by day basis, but also... keep your distance.

This type of behavior can really add to your up and down days. She is on a roller coaster right now and you might find yourself taking this ride with her. One of the things that you may have to do is to take control of the situation by taking a stand.

When we give our "lost" spouses too much of ourselves, we wind up loosing a little more of who we are and what we are fighting for in the first place. The relationship will never be the same anyway, so you might as well build a foundation for the future. Whether she is with you or without you.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yep I agree with DS 
It is almost impossible to do but when you can set your own agenda.
Otherwise you will definitely be up and down depending on whatever is spinning her wheels at the moment....
I am giving all this advice that I wish someone had told me...but it aint easy and hearing it aint easy either....

keep on posting your positives and venting the bad stuff......


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I like the roller coaster analogy DS. I'm trying to stay off of it and just let the water roll off my back. It's hard but the right thing to do. 

Cpt. As of yesterday I've pretty much given up all hope. I no longer see my old W deep down. She is somebody else from another planet. She will not open up to me emotionally and will not talk to me very truthfully so I am not trying anymore. 

All I can do is try to protect myself emotionally and financially.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I hear ya - I tried to talk to mine today - tried to ask her if she is involved with someone online, tried to ask about our marriage.. Big mistake.. She got pissed - and zoom right into her room.. I have a hard time seeing my old wife in there when she is like this....

I just have to let go...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

My counselor said that my W is not the same person I married and not the wife I think I have. 

I was told that I have lost the old spouse and she is a different person that I do not know. I was told that my W is a totally new person and that I will never understand what she is thinking. 

I think this may also go for your W also CPT. She has changed and you are not likely to see the old W again. 

The counselor said this happened to her and it took her a long time to get over it as she couldn't deal with the fact that the old person she loved was gone forever.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I just got conclusive proof that she was having an EA with some guy on facebook. The dirtbag got arrested and asked her to wire him some money... that put an end to that I guess.. I am going to confront her and let the chips fall. At this point if she leaves, oh well.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

cpt- I hate to hear that about your wife! I know it is tough for you . Stay strong! That is just terrible that she would be involved with a guy like that!


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Well - I just got conclusive proof that she was having an EA with some guy on facebook. The dirtbag got arrested and asked her to wire him some money... that put an end to that I guess.. I am going to confront her and let the chips fall. At this point if she leaves, oh well.


Wow! Now that's something! I'm so very sorry to have read this cpt and I feel for your situation. 

It really goes to show just what kind of dirt bag this guy is... he meets someone on FB, comes in between a husband and wife, gets arrested and then calls her to bail his monkey azz out of jail!! Wow! Incredible.

Now it's going to be interesting to see where things go. Tread lightly, this is a turning point, and it can work in your favor because now you may have her attention. But I feel that there are some issues that you may need to discuss and work out with her before there can be any real healing.

Keep moving forward brother... walk tall... and take one step at a time.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I guess the question I have Cpt after hearing of her EA with a dirtbag like that is do you still want her back ? I know you probably do and still love her deeply, but how would things change 6 months from now ? 

Only you can answer that, it's not for me to say but I think she would have to really want to change before any healing could take place.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I confronted her - boy was she pissed that I was spying on her.. I told her I was sorry, but she was lying to me and I knew she was lying to me and I deserve the truth. Things calmed down pretty quickly, and we talked alittle. She said she did not have real feelings for this guy (which is another lie) and I called her on that.. I do believe that it is over between them, but at this point I am done being concerned with it.
I told her if she is going to be happier with him to go and be with him, leave now. She said she just wants to be on her own and she is leaving this week. I said that is fine.
Then we started talking about our marriage, she said we married way too young, we missed out on alot of things like traveling, and having our own friends (For the record I asked her to go alot of places and she would always refuse - but I did not bring that up). Classic mid-life crisis stuff.. her life is full of regrets - I am not sure why she feels like that..

I apologized to her for being too controlling, and told her I was sorry that I was a mistake in her life.. She said "I never said you were a mistake" She said she is still mad that I spied on her "private" life, for which I replied that I was mad that I was lied to.

I told her that I was sorry for everything that happened, and she said she was too.

Then we sat for an hour and talked about politics, watched fox news, etc. Then she went into her room to look for a job.. 

She is pissed but they way I look at it, oh well... I am dying over here, physically, emotionally while it looks like it doesn't effect her at all... I am not trying to get revenge, but she needs to see and think about all this and how it is effecting our lives..

So now I feel like a little weight has been lifted from my shoulders.. Even if she wanted to come back now - things would have to change and there would be a lot of work involved.. I am willing to do that work (I told her even after our discussion that I would rather she not leave, but it's her choice), now it will be up to her if she wants to do that work...
I am truly willing - I am a man of my word and I promised to love her for better or for worse, and this is the absolute worse.

I know in my heart that this is a phase she is going through, and I know she is going to regret her decisions... She will find out that the grass is not greener on your own and I know she will realize that she does love me... But - how long will that take and how long will I wait... I don't have those answers..


So I left the house so she could have some privacy (she didn't ask me to, I just did) told her I was going to the office for a while.. I am sure she will be in her room all night tonight pissed that I spied on her - which I am done with by the way - I got what I was looking for (even though I didn't want to find it)..

Not sure what I was expecting to come out of this - but I know I had to confront her on this - for better or worse.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Cpt I am very slowing learning that even when you think you have everything under control, you don't. When you think that your spouse would never lie or cheat on you - you simply don't know. When you think you are living the secure life - you are not. When you have worked all your life and you think you are finally financially secure - you are not. 

So what ever your W is doing or going to do, you have no control over her love or her actions. She may leave or she may not. There is little more you can do to change the outgoing tide. If you can accept this, you can deal with it a lot easier. I know, I know, a lot better said than done. I'm trying to deal with it the best I can ....

Seems to me she has it in her mind that the marriage is over and she is just staying until she works out a better situation. I find it sad that she was upset that you invaded her privacy, but didn't seem so sad she was committing emotional adultery. The idea of sacred marriage vows means nothing to my W and probably yours either. 

I am sorry for what happened, but it seems to me she has made up her mind and is only thinking of herself. I don't pretend to know what the answer is, but you need to protect yourself. Our spouses may come back or they may not, but we have no control over them leaving and finding out themselves what they have done.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

cpt

it's an oldie but a goodie 
"the truth will out.."

sadly there is always more the stories than our spouses are willing to share.

you needed some answers. 

and honestly she was hiding it just enough to make you mad with suspicion 

she has no right to be angry with you - (not that this will stop her)

finding 'other' reasons as to why she is upset is all part of the deal - they clutch at straws ....and can enlist any number of idiotic reasons as to why things aren't going good for you guys .....
none of that matters - no matter how much truth there may or may not be in them...what matters is whether she is willing to work on things with you ....

now it less easy for her to do things at her convenience - 
i.e. move out when she has things sorted...

she has to face the music now. 

you may start the angry phase soon - and may not feel like sitting aorund chatting with her much .....

stay true to yourself and look after yourself...
sorry that this is happening


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks for the kind words...

Like I said, in a way this almost makes it alittle easier (just a little) I don't hold out so much hope now, which I think will make it easier to move on.

I don't feel particularly good about spying on her.. not exactly the most ethical thing to do - but I feel I had no choice. I can live with that guilt.

Probably the best thing that came out of it is I knocked out her support on facebook - I told her some people on facebook are not who they seem and that she isn't the only one that can have 2 accounts.. she does not know who to trust on there now - which no matter what is good - she is too vulnerable at the present time to keep getting mixed up with people that she does not even know...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

it's pretty nutty behaviour especially for someone with her training and education....


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

That's why I really think this is an early onset midlife crisis... she fits all the signs... ends her marriage to be independent, thinks we married too young, lost a lot of weight, has an affair of some kind, regrets her past, feels she missing out on life, wants her space, etc, etc... My wife has said all this to me and more. 

I must have read 20 ebooks and hundreds of websites on female midlife crisis.. some tend to think it is their family life at an early age that sets this up - my wife's parents had a bitter divorce when she was 10 or 11 - and some experts state that the chaos they had when they were a child is somehow comforting to them, so when they get older, if things are going good, they tend to want to recreate that chaos because it is more comforting than the good things that are happening but may not last... So this sets up a midlife crisis..

On the contrary - I grew up in a fairly loving home - my parents are still happily married to this day - so this whole chaos thing if very uncomfortable to me..

This could all be BS too - but it seems to ring a bell in my case.

Every book also said that I cannot control her actions, I am not at fault for her having an emotional affair, and that I cannot fix her - All of these are true - It is very hard to let go, but she has to figure this out on her own.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry, Cpt but like I said earlier you are not in control. She is going to make her own mistakes and all you can do is sit by and watch. Very painful for you , but no way around it.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt... it sounds to me like you're really starting to take the bull by the horns where you are concerned. The grieving has slowed and the anger is setting in. This is where you make your stand.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I thought the grieving had slowed, but I lost it tonight- couldn't hold back the tears (I went into my room so she couldn't see), but I think it finally hit me that it is really over now. That is a painful revelation for me. I have always been the eternal optimist, never give up hope type of guy.

I used to like roller-coasters, but this is one ride I want off of never to return....


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry Cpt. I'm the same way and believe I can fix anything that is wrong. I tried to talk to my W a little tonight about anything. Nothing deep, just general talk. She won't even talk to me. So I'm sure she is in another place and no longer cares. So yes it's over. Yes it's very painful, but I remember what my counselor said- she is a totally different person than I married. She is not reachable. I suspect your W is the same way. 

Yes it's very painful and yes we will cry. The only thing we can do is pick up the pieces and go foward living the best life we can.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Sorry Cpt. I'm the same way and believe I can fix anything that is wrong. I tried to talk to my W a little tonight about anything. Nothing deep, just general talk. She won't even talk to me. So I'm sure she is in another place and no longer cares. So yes it's over. Yes it's very painful, but I remember what my counselor said- she is a totally different person than I married. She is not reachable. I suspect your W is the same way.
> 
> Yes it's very painful and yes we will cry. The only thing we can do is pick up the pieces and go foward living the best life we can.


Amen to that. Here is a good article I just found about detaching... It is pretty good: Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

That was a great read. I liked this one and felt it fit both of our current situations:

"Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place or thing is "sick," dysfunctional or irrational, and that no matter what you say, do or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them. "


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

and be kind to that part of yourself that wants to hold on even though you know it is unrealistic and unhealthy....
be gentle to that part of yourself


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry you had a bad day CPT. I'm working on letting go and I went back and re-read that article on detachment. Seems to help.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Yeah - today pretty much $ucked. I could not stop thinking about the wife all day long... It is really starting to effect my work (luckily I have a great employee who totally understands and is helping me alot).. So I get home and I cannot help myself - I have to confront the wife again about the EA.. she still denies it, but I can show my hand on where I got the info yet - she it really, really pissed that I spied on her private life - I tell her she needs to file for a divorce, since this is all her doing... I can see it in her eyes that she has really got the hate on for me.... This is not helping matters - so I back off, go into my room and shut the door - and I cry like I have never cried before - I have never experienced pain and sorrow like I am now.... I get that out of my system, go into our living room and take a nap... I get up, go into her room - tell her I am sorry for everything, I didn't want things to be this way between us.. she is not as mad now, so I ask her if she is hungry, she is and we go out to dinner - we had a really good time, had some mexican. I came home and immediately I was upset again, and against my better judgement I just had to tell her that I don't want her to go and I don't want a divorce and that I love her and all the $hit I am not supposed to say - my emotions got the best of me... she said she was sorry.. I had to go back to my room and I haven't stopped crying since... This is so hard to come to terms with..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

It's like a roller coaster ride with it's all it's ups and downs. You need to grieve and feel the pain and acknowledge how bad you feel. You also need to be kind to yourself and know you are a good person. 

At the end of the day your W has to be willing to change if she wants to stay married to you. Unfortunately it's largely out of your control. The very thing I'm trying to deal with now. I have no control what my W does and I am trying to detach myself. Easier said then done I know. Stay strong CPT !


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Yeah - today pretty much $ucked. I could not stop thinking about the wife all day long... It is really starting to effect my work (luckily I have a great employee who totally understands and is helping me alot).. So I get home and I cannot help myself - I have to confront the wife again about the EA.. she still denies it, but I can show my hand on where I got the info yet - she it really, really pissed that I spied on her private life - I tell her she needs to file for a divorce, since this is all her doing... I can see it in her eyes that she has really got the hate on for me.... This is not helping matters - so I back off, go into my room and shut the door - and I cry like I have never cried before - I have never experienced pain and sorrow like I am now.... I get that out of my system, go into our living room and take a nap... I get up, go into her room - tell her I am sorry for everything, I didn't want things to be this way between us.. she is not as mad now, so I ask her if she is hungry, she is and we go out to dinner - we had a really good time, had some mexican. I came home and immediately I was upset again, and against my better judgement I just had to tell her that I don't want her to go and I don't want a divorce and that I love her and all the $hit I am not supposed to say - my emotions got the best of me... she said she was sorry.. I had to go back to my room and I haven't stopped crying since... This is so hard to come to terms with..


Has anyone here ever seen the show "Cheaters"? I love it when a person is cheating or whatever, and they get upset and are bothered by the other person for finding out about it. Like, what did they think that we were going to do?! Cracks me up... every time.

It's more than fair to say that you are extremely emotional over what is happening in your marriage. The position that you do not want to be in is a position in where you are giving up any remaining power that you may have. Staying strong and firm in your belief is very important.

I'm sure that you remember the old adage that men are not supposed to cry. Well, men can cry, just not in front of a woman in a case such as this. She is not crying with you, and she may surely see you are weak. I know that none of this is easy, and that you love and care for your wife very much, but you have to take this as a one day at a time situation.

I'm still hoping the best for you... take a deep breath brother. Breathe


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hope your day went better Cpt, I came home early as I was burned out like you were yesterday. 

Don't understand it at all. I told her today before I walked out the door that she lives in a safe, secure, loving environment and 
this is her house also. She is giving it all up for an illusion of "happiness". Probably did no good, but I left before she could say anything.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I had somewhat of a revelation today. (this will be long so I apologize upfront)

I was able to see some other things my wife was doing online - and while it is just flirting and some EA type stuff - it really hit me for sure she is going though a midlife crisis - So I decided today that I am changing my strategy. I am going to be nice, and fun and cute all the time while the wife is still here, So when she does leave (and I know she is, and I think it really needs to happen if we are to have any chance in the future) her freshest memories will be how much fun we had together- So here is how it went...

On Sunday when I confronted her about her EA (which she denied) she was super f*ck1ng pissed at me - wrote in one of her email's to that scumbag that I was "creeping her out".. Well that is that last thing I want to do. I also offered to help her find a job on Sunday - no way did she want my help.

Monday - well you know the story - she was still pissed, we argued, then cooled off.... we went to dinner, had a good time, but since I told her she needed to file for the divorce because this was her doing, when we got home she got online and was chatting with a lawyer facebook friend of hers and he is helping her draw up the papers - oh well, she called my bluff - but there is still a lot of work for her to file those.. I know it is probably inevitable, but won't happen until she finds a job - just to risky for us both (I have very good insurance - and as pissed as I am, I do still love her and do not want to see her ruined financially (or me because I would spend my last dime to help her) because she is not thinking clearly).

So today, I get up, she is up making coffee - we have some small talk about the election in MA today and how key it is that Brown win, blah blah blah.. all light, all good. So I am trying to hire a new person for my office which is a complicated process that she has always help me with (and she enjoys it) - I am swamped all week, so against my good judgement I call her and ask her a favor - if she can send a letter to a few candidates, schedule them for testing and administer the test - she happily says sure, no problem.

So I come home - ask her if she is hungry, she said yes. So we go out to a nice place for dinner - a place where we used to frequent alot - once a week sometimes twice.. we haven't been there in 3 months.. So we get a table, start BSing.. we have a lot of fun, talking... I even learned some things about my wife's childhood that I wasn't aware of - sometime it is amazing when you just sit there and listen. We even had some long silent eye contact.. strange. But in the end we had fun. So during dinner I tell her to send me her resume so I can forward it on to some contacts I have in a town about 2 hrs north of here... No guarantees, but I will forward it on. She seems excited and says ok..

We get home, she sends me her resume, and then goes to her room - door open - on the net.

So I do some snooping - she is online looking at apartments in this town I mentioned - for a long time.. and it finally hits me....

My wife needs to do this. She needs to move out. She needs to see that the grass is not greener on the other side. Because of her unfortunate upbringing, something in her brain has clicked. I really don't think she has a choice. But one thing I did notice, is that she is excited and motivated. My wife has not been excited and motivated to do something on her own since..... well since never. She has to find out how to be happy with herself. There is really, truly nothing I can do to stop this.

Does this make it hurt less - h3ll no! But I do think I understand it more.. right now she feels she gave up her life to follow me... no matter how flawed that logic is, it is what she thinks. Only time and self realization can fix that.

Am I going to miss her - YES... but I know she will miss me too... we have too much fun together, too much history together. Only time will tell if we are destine to reconnect, but I do know now that the best thing I can do is let go... it is so counterintuitive...but for some reason it just seems right...

Sorry for the long post - thanks for listening...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

cpt I am glad that you are seeing that you need to let her go
you love her that's why


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

That's a brave thing to do CPT. I think she may find that the waters are not as calm as she thought in a new place. I also think she will not find the love she is looking for on facebook. Time will tell, but I think at some point she will realize the mistake she has made.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I think many of our spouses will (work it out one day)
but we won't be in this place anymore and we can't predict where they will be either - 
there's no 'going back' in life - 
this is what is sad when so much loss is involved....


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Exactly, K we only have limited time on earth and if they think we will "go back" 5 years from now when they get everything sorted out - I'm afraid they will be mistaken. 

They just don't understand what they are doing.....


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## hawk79 (Jan 21, 2010)

i got the same speech on 8 nov.09,shes very confused wants to be by herself and move out with our 2 kids.weve been married for 17 yrs and together since very young ,we are both turning 40 this year.1 month later has moved out into rental with our girls and has become very distant with me and her girls.
all of a suden shes becoming very motivated about herself and very socialable with new friends from her new job she started 3 months ago, become outgoing but very distant towards her kids and they have noticed and are not happy at all but cant speek to her as she gets very angree,she wont talk about us at all but said it is over,im very confused becuase when she moved out she hasnt taken much furniture,no photos hasnt brought any new furniture for herself we still use the same joint accounts and she is happy to keep it that way intill our properties have been sold even know she hasnt hassled me about selling up yet. very strange i dont know what to do but leave her alone and be ther for my kids,still love her heaps.....


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Hawk - It is all very strange.. our lives have been turned upside down...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

So here is my story from the past 2 days..

Since I decided to be nice - things have gotten a little more cordial between us - She is still leaving, but I don't feel the extreme anger she had towards me anymore.

Thursday - i found out that the scumbag she was talking to online has finally went over the edge and she wants nothing to do with him and it's stressing her out because he keeps texting her and stuff.. So I decide yesterday that I am going to turn on the charm.

She comes to the office to help me, I tell her that I am taking 1/2 the day off to do some shopping (my clothes are all way too big right now) and want to know if she wants to come along. She says sure. We have a nice lunch, and a good time shopping and a nice coffee at the end of the day. We come home and later that evening I go out with a friend to have some ****tails, give her some alone time (I really think that since I cannot control her actions, that I need to give her alone time and space and not act like a stalker - even though I know people in our situation want to act that way, it hurts the situation way more than it helps)

So i then find out she tells a friend online that is also going though a divorce that she knows how he is feeling since she has hurt me and turned my world upside down - it was bitter sweet to at least know that she understands what she is doing to me.. but she told him she had a nice day at it was nice to have some alone time at night...

So what does all this mean - I have no f**k1ng idea! The only thing I do know is all I can do is show her that I am the man she fell in love with, and that she will miss me when I am gone, and hope she realizes that she wants to be with me before it's too late.. I hope it will be soon, but I know it won't be... if ever...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way to save your marriage is to find out who she is having the affair with, find out how to contact his wife and parents and siblings, and then sit down and call all of them - and all of your wife's parents, siblings, and friends - all at the same time, and tell them they are having an affair and you need their help restoring your marriage. It's called exposing the affair. It works because it makes the 'fun, sexy, exciting' affair and shines the light of day on it and its secrecy, and lets all the important people in their lives see what a slimy thing they are doing. Your wife is leaving you anyway; so what if she gets mad at you for exposing? At least this way, there is a really good chance that the affair will end because it's no fun any more or because their important people are calling them up and chewing them out. Gone are the fantasies that that new person will be welcomed to Thanksgiving dinner: that's the person who broke up the family.

Your marriage can survive her anger; it won't survive a third person. Expose the affair.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hi CPT, My W also knows how it has hurt me also, but it hasn't deterred her in the least. 

I'm not sure why it doesn't affect them more, but I think they must believe that we hurt them at some point and everything they are doing is justified in some strange way. I'm not saying it is right, just that's how they must think,. 

I have to face the fact that no matter how much I care for my W, she no longer cares for or about me. 

I've started thinking that if I died of a heart attack today or was in a horrible accident, it wouldn't really matter to her. This type of thinking helps me in the "detachment" process.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's not thinking about you (either of you) because she's in the middle of an addiction - to the other man. Once you go down that road, all you can think about is getting your next fix. The wife you're dealing with is NOT your real wife - she is an addict.

Which is why you have to fight the AFFAIR, not the wife. Tell everyone she cares about that she is cheating; ask them to help by talking to her. Find the other man's wife, parents, family, and tell THEM that their guy is ruining your marriage and ask for their help. 

You CAN get your wife back, but you won't do it by just looking good and hoping she'll notice you. She can't see anything right now except getting her next fix. Stand in the way of that fix.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> We come home and later that evening I go out with a friend to have some ****tails, give her some alone time (I really think that since I cannot control her actions, that I need to give her alone time and space and not act like a stalker - even though I know people in our situation want to act that way, it hurts the situation way more than it helps)
> 
> So i then find out she tells a friend online that is also going though a divorce that she knows how he is feeling since she has hurt me and turned my world upside down - it was bitter sweet to at least know that she understands what she is doing to me.. but she told him she had a nice day at it was nice to have some alone time at night...
> 
> So what does all this mean - I have no f**k1ng idea! The only thing I do know is all I can do is show her that I am the man she fell in love with, and that she will miss me when I am gone, and hope she realizes that she wants to be with me before it's too late.. I hope it will be soon, but I know it won't be... if ever...


Sounds like the temps went from 137 degrees below zero to an even 32 degrees. There is a huge thaw going on. Most of the hostility could have been coming from the real "winner" that she was talking to. She's had a slight glimpse that the grass isn't greener on the other side!

It does sound like she has some issues of her own that she still needs to iron out though. Also, it sounds like she is seeing the damage that she has caused and may be feeling a certain amount of guilt that she has allowed that fake Casanova into her good graces and between the two of you. Either way, she's working through something here.

Giving her that distance is a wonderful thing. Just remember that you will never be able to "control her actions"... so be careful there. Things may be out of sync right now, and things are surely never going to be the same again, but you and your wife are learning how to find your way back to each other. So nurture what little that you have in hopes of growing into something more substantial.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Hi CPT, My W also knows how it has hurt me also, but it hasn't deterred her in the least.
> 
> I'm not sure why it doesn't affect them more, but I think they must believe that we hurt them at some point and everything they are doing is justified in some strange way. I'm not saying it is right, just that's how they must think,.
> 
> ...


Notaclue... we are going to have to get you to try to see a little more of the positive. I'm sending positive energy your way! Doom and Gloom is not going to make anything better. Although a large chapter may be coming to a close, it doesn't mean that you have reached the end of the book my friend. It just means that you are at the beginning of a new chapter.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well DS - Im not sure about that - I am trying not to snoop (well not really), but I am pretty sure she still talks to that scumbag every once in a while, but I cannot check without getting caught (I know way more information about her accounts than she thinks I do) So what I have been doing is giving her space - let the scumbag hang himself - [email protected] is lucky he lives very far away..

As far as exposing the EA to everyone - it will really do no good, she has no family, no friends of her own.. This is the problem with our marriage - she blames me for her not having a life... and while I will take my fair share of responsibility (I was controlling and jealous - but in my defense, she was very much that way too - but I always had friends and would go out (I would always invite her too, most of the time she would come), play golf, etc... sometimes she would get mad, most time not.. but I always tried to encourage her to go out with her "friends" (which were usually my buddies wives), but she has a hard time getting along with people. Somehow now this is all my fault...she doesn't come out and tell me this, but I believe that is how she feels) So attacking the EA will do no good in this case.... And Im not real sure how much of an EA it is... I know this guy is infatuated with her - I think he is creeping her out - but again who knows... I hope to try to find out more today...maybe.. this is getting very tiring for me and I know it really doesn't make any difference....

So I am sticking to my plan, I am being nice when she is nice.. if she goes into her room to be on the computer, then I leave the house - go to my boat and hang (this is where I am at now).. I did the same thing yesterday and when I did come home she was very pleasant to me... But it could all be a lie who knows, I cannot see in her soul anymore.

But this plan is soo hard - I cry all the time and while I don't want our old marriage back, I do want to be with my wife, I do want to work on the issues we have but I know I am fighting a losing battle if I am the only one.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

CPT, I'm willing to work on the issues also, but my W doesn't want to and has no "reason" to work on any issues. So I have quit trying. Everytime I brought it up she would just get mad and shut down. I was trying to talk to a brick wall and I just kept getting more upset. Bottom line is that she has made up her mind and there is no going back.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

CPT you are going good - and being on a boat sounds ideal


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...your wife is spending time with another man, and you just...let it happen. And then say oh, no, I guess I'm losing my wife.

You're losing her anyway. Why don't you take steps that COULD give her a wakeup call and take a second look at you? Call the guy. Tell him to back off from your wife. See what happens.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> So...your wife is spending time with another man, and you just...let it happen. And then say oh, no, I guess I'm losing my wife.
> 
> You're losing her anyway. Why don't you take steps that COULD give her a wakeup call and take a second look at you? Call the guy. Tell him to back off from your wife. See what happens.


turnera... confrontation is not always the answer. It certainly is not the answer in this particular situation. Patience is the path of choice and patience will surely prevail. When someone does something to the other in a marriage, they may already be trying to provoke the other into a situation to escalate the negative feelings.

Good or bad... it doesn't matter. Sh*t happens and it usually happens to the people who deserve it less. Yet, it will be the person who is on the receiving end who is sitting in a jail cell or the county morgue. Allowing a person to go through whatever it is that they need to go through, may just be what they need to realize just what they've had and to question as to why they gave it up. Sometimes people get back together... and sometimes people don't. Either way, every situation is handled on a case by case basis.

Everyone here knows or knew their spouse and how they will respond to certain situations. As a former member of our armed forces... there was a saying that we've had when we had to go into the deserts of Kuwait and Iraq. Our commanders told us, "When diplomacy fails... then we go to war." CPT doesn't feel that it is time to give up the diplomacy and mass his troops for an all out attack. Although you may not agree with his tactics, he is fully aware of just what it is that he is doing.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I found out yesterday that she is still talking to this scumbag - I am beyond angry, hurt, upset.. I am just numb. My wife is truly gone.

I only have an email address - so I did contact him. Told him to back off, etc... nothing threatening (as much as I want to), but I did tell him I know who he is and where he is.. I think it is the right move.. let him know the little secret is no secret at all... It is too comfortable for her right now - I am there just like I have always been, and she can do whatever and I am still there... no more. I will not be nasty or mean with her, I do still love her, but I am done being walked on.

This is a last ditch effort - and I am not sure what I want now.. Im not sure I even want to have my wife back in her current state.. I just don't know anymore.

Like you said CS - I think diplomacy has failed - I really don't want to war with her, but I know that what I am doing now is not working.... I think I just need to get my own life and let her go.. It is very hard when we live in the same house and I have to support her.

I will let you all know what happens when I get home tonight... No more leaving the house just for her...


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Like you said DS - I think diplomacy has failed - I really don't want to war with her, but I know that what I am doing now is not working.... I think I just need to get my own life and let her go.. It is very hard when we live in the same house and I have to support her.
> 
> I will let you all know what happens when I get home tonight... No more leaving the house just for her...


This is truly upsetting to hear, and beyond hurtful to you I am sure. Love is a powerful thing. It's also a crazy thing. 

At this point, and I know that it is far easier said than done, maybe it is best for the time being to let her learn these lessons on her own. She's going to have to experience some pain in order to realize just what it is that she has or had. This "person" (and I use the term loosely) is going to reveal his true self soon enough. Maybe what she needs is some true regret in order for her eyes to be opened.

All I can say is... keep looking straight ahead, walk tall... walk proud, and have faith.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

DS - I hear ya..
It is hard for me to know how to let her handle these on her own.. I guess I have to pull back a lot... still be nice, but pull way back..

I want sooo much to go home and just ask her WTF!! WTF are you thinking?? But I guess it doesn't matter...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

stop protecting her CPT
let her go for now and make her own mistakes


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Knortoh,
That is sooo true... I do want to protect her.. I have always protected her... maybe that's part of the problem...

I know you are right - and I needed to hear that now...thank you.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

CPT sounds to me like she is determined to make a change. Also sounds like it really makes no difference one way or another if you confront her or not. Either way you probably won't get the answers you are looking for. If you do confront her , she will probably just shut down. 

The only thing that's going to make her reveal her true self is time and unfortunately you are on her clock. Time to "detach".


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

sounds like her problem is developmental cpt.
she really has no idea how the world is outside of what you guys have made. Remember she is still doing all this from HER ROOM!!!!!!!!!!
think about it - it is like watching a really scary movie at home -
she hasn't detached, she hasn't separated, at this stage it is all still a game. 
No matter what the future holds for you guys I think she needs to get out of her comfort zone -
I have said it before - I would ask her to leave ASAP.


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

Hello All,

I read through all the posts and I am in the same boat. 10 years of marriage and out of the blue I got the "I love you and I am not in love with you." After about a week of crying and living in the same place, I had a good friend tell me the best advice - "dont wait for her, get on with your life and she will have to choose what she wants to do." For CPT right now your wife has all the control, she is still married to you and she is able to have EAs with others.

My wife had an EA with a guy before she game me the talk, and I am pretty certain she lied to me about the relationship and how much they saw each other. They spent NY eve together, at least she told me that, but she is not telling me the whole truth.

I am 38 and my wife is 34 so we are close in our ages. Here are some things that I have learnt.

1) I was not a great husband (traveled too much for work) but she was not a great wife. When I really look back on the marriage over the last few years we have lost intimacy, and a lot of that was her inability to tell me how sad, then angry then resentful she was at my travel. I know that I travelled too much and I felt guilty about it, but I could not express that to her either. This lack of communication on BOTH of our parts is what lead to our marriage being the way it is.
2) You really need to focus on yourself. This was the hardest thing for me to do, but I actually decided to move out on my own. My wife was away for a while, and I cleaned the house top to bottom, and then took all my clothing. She was mad when she came home to a note saying that "I needed more time," but that is what you want. I then went to Jamaica for 2 weeks on my own - this was supposed to be a vacation that we took. I did not have email access, I could not use my phone, so I was isolated from my W and it was great. I could really think about myself, what I wanted in my marriage and also what I wanted in my career. You may not be able to do that, but go away somewhere and spend time on your own.
3) You need to move out. Living with her is really rough, I
did it for a couple of weeks. Get out and move on, even if it means living with someone for a couple of months (which is what I am doing)
4) Formalize the separation. I am going to do this with my wife tomorrow, and I wish I had done it earlier. Every interaction we have has the tension of uncertainty and we need to come to an understanding of where we are. I am going to ask for 3 months where we dont reconcile and we dont divorce. The healing separation is what my therapist showed me and I think it is a great model. http://www.dpcsonline.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Explanation.pdf
5) Look for personal growth. I have to say that the last 3 months has been the most painful of my life, but it has also been the time of most personal growth. I have reconnected with my family in a much deeper way. I have given myself a better direction in my career, and I have a greater understanding of who I am and what I want. I will be a better partner for my wife or for my next wife! The healing separation talks about focusing on yourself and your growth so you can build a new marriage, not try to work on the old one. Become a new person. 
6) Forget about the other men. This is the hardest thing to do. I want to confront her about her lies and her relationship with this guy, but what good comes of that? She will not tell me the truth because of the guilt that she feels. She would need to address the fact that she cheated on her marriage - and women are very good at rationalizing. My wife is seeing a guy who is also separated and has a 6 year old. Right now I am sure that it is all great, but really that guy has more baggage than her. If she wants to go there, then good luck to her. The newness will wear off.
7) Your W and mine are going through a mid-life crisis and it is not early. Check out Passages - The predictable crises of adult life by Gail Sheehy. Our parents used to have a mid-life crises in their 60s, but our generation has them about every 10 years. If you dont think this is about kids, your are "kidding" yourself. But you CANNOT wait for her. You do not have to forget her, but dont wait for her to make a decision.

I am 38 and last week a 25 year old that I met and gave me her number telling me that when I am ready to take my ring off to give her a call. There are other women out there, and there are others that will love you and treat you the way you deserve.

The last thing I will say on this post is the two most important things I learnt on my trip to Jamaica. The first is that emotional pain leads to personal growth - use the pain and become a better person and dont be so eager to make it stop quickly. The second is that I realized that my happiness will not be decided by my marriage and if we reconcile. It also will not be determined by the career I choose. Happiness does not come from the big answers, it comes from the small questions you ask every day; are my needs being met? Am I committed to the important things? Did I enjoy my day? You can reconcile or not reconcile but if you do not ask these questions neither will lead to happiness.

Thanks for all of your posts, because reading them makes me realize I am not alone. But lets all take our lives back.

Cheers,

P


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Movin on,


Thanks for the great post.. Deep down I know these are the things I need to do.. It is just very hard..

Unfortunately, moving out is not an option for me - this house that we are in is a lease that is paid for by my company..

I know she picked up divorce papers today - It is a lot of work to get them filled out and such, so we will see when she wants to sit down and work on that... I also know she is pissed that I confronted the scumbag, even though she won't say it. She went out tonight with a mutual friend of ours (female) which I really dont mind.. Im tired of trying to control the situation.. I just need to heed some of the great advice given to me here..

Thanks to everyone for all the support.... I really appreciate it..


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

If your company pays the lease then ask her to leave. You need separation. I am paying half the rent on our place and I have to live at friends. Get her to move out.

DO NOT SIT DOWN WITH HER and do divorce papers. Tell her is she wants a divorce, that is OK with you, but you need a couple of months to get to a place that you can move on. She needs to move on and in 2 months you will start divorce proceedings. You need that time, and so does she.

Yes this is really tough, and if I had it worked out I would not be online searching for forums for support. I have good days and bad days, but a day does not go by when I get sad about my marriage. However I honestly feel like I am a better person and will be happier in the future no matter what happens. I got there by focusing on myself and not focusing on my marriage.

I would never think I would ever say this, but get into some therapy. I never believed in it, but it has helped me so much. That will be the outlet that you need.

I will keep you updated on my meeting with my wife tomorrow.

Cheers,

P


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Movin on,
> 
> 
> Thanks for the great post.. Deep down I know these are the things I need to do.. It is just very hard..
> ...


I agree with Moving On, CPT. Make her do all the work if she wants a divorce. If she wants to fill everything out and file it - let her. If she does, she needs to move out and get a job to support herself. 

She needs to be pissed at herself for even having an EA with that Scumbag. Your still her H, what did she expect you to do - just sit by and watch. Based on the things she has done, do you really care if she is pissed anymore ?


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

NAC has it right. Do not help her with any of this. My wife asked me if I would move back into the house so she could move out and get a house closer to town and her friends (probably including her new man). At first I want to help and be supportive, but then I realized "what the f*&k am I doing?" Helping her move on does not help me. Do what is right for you ONLY. If she wants to divorce, then let it be her decision that she has to live with.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

knortoh said:


> sounds like her problem is developmental cpt.
> she really has no idea how the world is outside of what you guys have made. Remember she is still doing all this from HER ROOM!!!!!!!!!!
> think about it - it is like watching a really scary movie at home -
> she hasn't detached, she hasn't separated, at this stage it is all still a game.
> ...


Very well said. I've mentioned before that you may have to sour the milk. Right now, she has not felt the loss of anything because in reality, she hasn't lost anything. At some point, we all grow tired of being tired. Allow for her to see just how green the grass is on the other side.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well all,

Looks like she will be moving out.. I don't know where or how..but she is pissed that I contacted the scumbag coward.. oh well.. what am I supposed to do, just sit here and not fight for what is most important to me?

I will have to see how this plays out... I will let you know..


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

The funny thing is CPT, yes you are supposed to not try to work on it. Your wife is going through a midlife crisis, and I did a lot better when I realized I could not control anything except myself.

It is GREAT that she is moving out. Do not find her a place to stay, do not help her do this. The big thing is to work out the finances. Work out a budget and agree that is what you are going to give her each month. In your situation you may want to think about doing a legal separation - which would enjoy lawyers.

Having her move out is the BEST thing for you. It really made a difference in helping me deal with the fact that the marriage ending is not the end of the world.

My struggle is dealing with false fantasies. I sent an email to my wife yesterday trying to set up a coffee today so we can talk about the separation and got no response back (she has an iPhone so she can get them all the time). This delay gets me thinking, and I wonder why she is not responded. Lots of bad ideas go through my head, like her getting divorce papers etc, but the reality is that she either does not know yet, or has been busy at work. Dont let False Fantasies destroy you.

Cheers,

P


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

If it helps at all, I was 80% of where you were at about 7 months ago, even though I left my wife (but was still devastated she didn't love me).

What this will force you do, for better, for worse, is re-arrange your priorities.

I havent' read the whole 12 pages but I don't know if you have kids or not but here's how I arranged my priorities:

1. Health
2. Career
3. Kids
4. Another eventual relationship

Now. . .I have to tell you. . .you can get some judgment on that from a lot of people, esp. your ex. Look at me - putting my career ahead of kids. . .how could such a bad Dad do such a thing? But they are MY priorities and there is a rhyme and reason behind it, not impulsive or just what I want. A good career will lead to better provision for the kids and more free-time. It will also make me happier, and kids appreciate emotional stability.

My suggestion is place your health further up if this is "killing you" and you are having sudden, stress-induce weight loss. It won't you any good if your health suffers.

I fast regularly, one day/week, and I find it to be an incredible stress reliever. You may find yoga or prayer does it for you. I balance fasting with exercise and good nutrition (I work in healthcare).

I always put the kids first in my marriage - over career, over my health, over a lot of things (was pretty much Mr. Mom with 2 jobs) but I am much happier this way.

I just want to say happiness for you may not be as temporally far off as you think. Good luck.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Well all,
> 
> Looks like she will be moving out.. I don't know where or how..but she is pissed that I contacted the scumbag coward.. oh well.. what am I supposed to do, just sit here and not fight for what is most important to me?
> 
> I will have to see how this plays out... I will let you know..


CPT, I think you did the right thing contacting him and if she doesn't see that you were protecting her, then she is blind. 

My W is moving out also, I can't stop her, but I sure won't help her in the process. I don't even want to know where she is going. I love her like you loves yours, but there is nothing more I can do.


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

OK so I will give you an update on the big meeting we had. First of all it went well overall. We agreed that we would go 3 months where we will not reconcile and will not divorce. We would also separate our finances.

The interesting thing is when we got into relationships. I asked about whether she had a relationship with the other man, and she was reluctant to tell me, but eventually she did. I also asked about a day when I thought she was with him, but she told me she was not and she confirmed she was with him (but I still dont think she told me the whole truth about that day). I pushed her and she told me she was attracted to him the day they met, 2 months before she separated with me. She said that they had not done anything other than spend time with each other, but of course now I dont believe anything she says. She then told me "I have too much respect for you and for the marriage to do anything." I gave her a look of disbelief and she asked me if I thought she had respected the marriage and I said no, you are having an affair. Then she got very angry and told me that our marriage was always dysfunctional right from the start, brought up somethings that I did early in the marriage and used that to justify that it was 10 years of bad times.

She asked me if it was OK if she dated Michael and I said, yes it was OK and it was OK if I dated someone. It does not matter if I say it is OK or not, she is going to do it. She also said she wants to have sex (I said, that is unusual!) and I said that was OK as well.

I bought up a couple of times that we had a joint responsibility in our marriage, and every time she got mad and talked about what a bad husband I was and how there is no reason for us to reconcile because we are completely incompatible. She says ridiculous things about us never talking about anything, and never doing anything.

So all of this tells me that my wife is not in a very good place. She is going through a midlife crisis and is trying to justify her behavior. She cheated on me and the marriage, she never told me how unhappy she was and she is the one that initiated the separation. The only way she can justify these actions is if she turns our marriage into a horror show and me into the worst husband ever. If she takes any responsibility, or if there is anything good about our marriage, then she will need to face her actions. All these women dont believe that they are the type that cheats, but that is what they do!!! So they are those kinds of women, but that cannot face it so they justify.

I think I handled it well. I did not get upset, and I actually have relief. I know I was not paranoid to think she was seeing this guy and it was more than friendship. I also have 3 months of certainty where I can move on.

I am still open to reconciliation but my wife needs to face her behavior both during our marriage and during the separation and be willing to work on her issues as well. Without that reconciliation is not going to work.

I wanted to share this with everyone. Get a meeting. Layout what you need, and give yourself some time.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

All -thanks so much for the posts - they are all helping me a great deal..

Well today I went to see a long time friend who went thorough this same thing a year ago - he is a counselor and we talked for a very long time and I think I have come to a better place. I am ready to let go. For her own good and mine.

The things I am doing are not helping us (either are the things she is doing), but I have no regrets. I did what I did and I wouldn't have done it any other way. I want to fight for my marriage, I want to fight for my wife... I want to protect my wife - I would give my dieing breath for her to live without a second thought. but it is the wrong move. Everytime I do, I push her farther away and further towards mr. scumbag coward.

So now, I am going do what I want to do and try not to worry about what she does. I am going to go away for a long weekend and have fun and try not to think much about the wife - it is long overdue.

So when she came home tonight - I told her that I knew she was super pissed that I sent the email to the scumbag coward - she was... I told her that I am not sorry for doing it, that I am losing the most important thing in my life and I have to fight for it... but I also told her that I realize that it is doing no good and only making things worse between us... I told her that I am done and she she is in control of the situation - I cannot control her or her actions. She immediately thawed. She said it was stupid that I sent a threatening email (It was not threatening, I told the guy he needed to back off my wife as he was ruining her life and I know who he is and where he is) - but I said oh well.. We had some small talk and went and got a salad - kind of a last nice thing to do together in my opinion.

So there you have it - I am giving up on trying to control the situation - handing it over to a higher power so to speak. Let the cards fall as they may. Now is time for me (I know this is going to be very hard..... very, very hard)


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Moving on said:


> OK so I will give you an update on the big meeting we had. First of all it went well overall. We agreed that we would go 3 months where we will not reconcile and will not divorce. We would also separate our finances.
> 
> The interesting thing is when we got into relationships. I asked about whether she had a relationship with the other man, and she was reluctant to tell me, but eventually she did. I also asked about a day when I thought she was with him, but she told me she was not and she confirmed she was with him (but I still dont think she told me the whole truth about that day). I pushed her and she told me she was attracted to him the day they met, 2 months before she separated with me. She said that they had not done anything other than spend time with each other, but of course now I dont believe anything she says. She then told me "I have too much respect for you and for the marriage to do anything." I gave her a look of disbelief and she asked me if I thought she had respected the marriage and I said no, you are having an affair. Then she got very angry and told me that our marriage was always dysfunctional right from the start, brought up somethings that I did early in the marriage and used that to justify that it was 10 years of bad times.
> 
> ...



MO - you are an inspiration to me. I have always been a strong individual - mostly because I had my wife standing behind me, and now that crutch is gone and I have lost alot of my strong will - you are a strong individual to do this, and I thank you very much for posting... It is very motivating to me..

CPT


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> CPT, I think you did the right thing contacting him and if she doesn't see that you were protecting her, then she is blind.
> 
> My W is moving out also, I can't stop her, but I sure won't help her in the process. I don't even want to know where she is going. I love her like you loves yours, but there is nothing more I can do.


She doesn't see it as me protecting her - she see's it as me meddling in her "personal life".. and I am - but this is my life too.. and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didn't feel I did 100% of what I could to save this marriage - but everything I am doing makes it worse... so now it is time to do for me... very very hard place to come to..


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

Hey Cpt,

I am just 2 months a head of you. I went through everything you did for the first few weeks. Then I made a decision and decided to move forward. You will get to that point, but trust me it is not a smooth path. 2 steps forward 1 step back. I still love my wife very much, but the only way to save the marriage is to move on. That is something I have struggled with but every day gets better.

I am so happy I found this forum, it means my wife is going through something that is not about me but about her.

One step at a time...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> So there you have it - I am giving up on trying to control the situation - handing it over to a higher power so to speak. Let the cards fall as they may. Now is time for me (I know this is going to be very hard..... very, very hard)


I think you did about all you can do CPT, now it's up to her to decide what she really wants. If she decides to leave, you did everything humanly possible and you can never be blamed for not doing everything you could to save the marriage. I think maybe now that the ball's in her court she will be forced to think about her choices a lot harder. She will no longer have you trying to "save" her from herself.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Moving on said:


> Hey Cpt,
> 
> I am just 2 months a head of you. I went through everything you did for the first few weeks. Then I made a decision and decided to move forward. You will get to that point, but trust me it is not a smooth path. 2 steps forward 1 step back. I still love my wife very much, but the only way to save the marriage is to move on. That is something I have struggled with but every day gets better.
> 
> ...


If you want - PM me with an email and I will send you some PDF's that deal with midlife crisis - some of them are very good and one in particular describes my wife to a tee.. its about Chaos Kids and how their minds work when they go through MLC...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> I think you did about all you can do CPT, now it's up to her to decide what she really wants. If she decides to leave, you did everything humanly possible and you can never be blamed for not doing everything you could to save the marriage. I think maybe now that the ball's in her court she will be forced to think about her choices a lot harder. She will no longer have you trying to "save" her from herself.


You are so right - and everyone on this board is so great... It has been such a relief to come here and vent and talk - I have a real hard time talking in person about this with friends... today was the first time that I was able to really talk to someone face to face without just totally breaking down, and it is because of you great people on this board..

It is so much easier to get things out on here, and it really helped me step up to talk to someone face to face about it, and that really helped me today.

Thanks everybody!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Well all,
> 
> Looks like she will be moving out.. I don't know where or how..but she is pissed that I contacted the scumbag coward.. oh well.. what am I supposed to do, just sit here and not fight for what is most important to me?
> 
> I will have to see how this plays out... I will let you know..


cpt, every time a betrayed spouse confronts the wayward, the WS does the same thing. At another forum, they even call it a script - because they ALL say the same things: "I was going to go back to you, but now you've ruined it"; or "That's it - I'm getting a divorce"; or "I can't believe you are so selfish"; ad nauseum. Nearly every WS whose affair gets exposed threatens divorce immediately. Few follow through.

BUT, that is based on a real exposure, to her parents and siblings and best friends - those people whose high opinion she wants. If you only confront the scumbag, but her whole world doesn't know what she's doing, she is free to walk away from you and tell all of THEM that you MADE her do it. 

I know some of you think that exposing the affair is aggressive; but what is NOT aggressive about what she is doing? She is cheating! You have the right - no, the DUTY - to protect your marriage. If you can get the OM out of the picture, and she can stop thinking about him, being ADDICTED to him, she has a very good chance of coming back to you. 

And if you tell her family what she's doing, and they tell her how disappointed they are in her, suddenly that cool, spicy affair looks like the slimy cesspool it really is to everyone else. I've seen many many people 'rescued' from their affair by their spouse, and recover the marriage, and thank God their spouse stood up to them and exposed the affair.

She's leaving anyway. Wouldn't you rather know that you did everything to save your marriage, including confronting the affair, than just to step aside and let her walk out?


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> You are so right - and everyone on this board is so great... It has been such a relief to come here and vent and talk - I have a real hard time talking in person about this with friends... today was the first time that I was able to really talk to someone face to face without just totally breaking down, and it is because of you great people on this board..
> 
> It is so much easier to get things out on here, and it really helped me step up to talk to someone face to face about it, and that really helped me today.
> 
> Thanks everybody!


Cpt, I started going to a counselor, it has helped. She doesn't have a lot of suggestions to save the marriage, but she listens and helps me understand what is happening. It will give you a chance to vent and talk to someone that is non-judgemental. I can't talk to any of my friends, nor would I want to and the counselor really helps. Like you, this board is also helping me tremendously.


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree, counseling was great for me as well.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Yeah - the nice thing about my friend is that we are very close, and our ex wives (or my soon to be ex wife) we friends, but not particularly close. They divorced alittle over a year ago, so he has alot of perspective on the situation. It really helped me realize that there was truly nothing I can do to fix her. I guess I really just needed to hear it from someone face to face.

For some reason it just hit me that I need to let go after our talk. I don't want to, but what I am doing now is not healthy, especially for me (I am eating better, working out and probably in the best shape I have been in in 20 years, but I bet my blood pressure is through the roof and I know all this anxiety is not good for my heart). So it is time for me to think about me I guess... It is very hard, but what I am doing now is hard too - so their are no easy roads. Such is life i guess..


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## itsanewday (Jan 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> cpt, every time a betrayed spouse confronts the wayward, the WS does the same thing. At another forum, they even call it a script - because they ALL say the same things: "I was going to go back to you, but now you've ruined it"; or "That's it - I'm getting a divorce"; or "I can't believe you are so selfish"; ad nauseum. Nearly every WS whose affair gets exposed threatens divorce immediately. Few follow through.
> 
> BUT, that is based on a real exposure, to her parents and siblings and best friends - those people whose high opinion she wants. If you only confront the scumbag, but her whole world doesn't know what she's doing, she is free to walk away from you and tell all of THEM that you MADE her do it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this post. I had the same crap. After the fact, she tries to paint me like I was doing something wrong for:
1) deleting all pics of her off facebook and changing my status from married to no status
2) calling the bastard who she cheated with
3) checking her underwear for stains (I know it sounds creepy, but I was looking for clues)
4) telling people

I might be missing stuff, but you had a really good point. They try do everything in their power to deflect blame because they know its just staring at them. She unfortunately has continued the affair and has essentially left me or someone who is on the other side of the country but I guess thats her choice. Its tough but reading stuff on this board does help. Hopefully one day I will be fully recovered and can provide some more tips on how I got through this nightmare.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Ok - I have a question that I need consensus on...
She doesn't think I know she is moving out - should I tell her I know or just let her go and not say a word? My guess is she is planning to leave without telling me - she thinks I will follow her - big surprise on her part that I have no plans on following her or calling/texting/emailing if she leaves.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Ok - I have a question that I need consensus on...
> She doesn't think I know she is moving out - should I tell her I know or just let her go and not say a word? My guess is she is planning to leave without telling me - she thinks I will follow her - big surprise on her part that I have no plans on following her or calling/texting/emailing if she leaves.


So she hasn't said anything to you about her pending departure. Well, the victims are usually the last to know. This is her chance to show her true colors... so let her show them. This could be a learning experience and open the door for some dialog.

This may be truly a difficult stage for you... for anyone who has faced this. Sadly, there is nothing that you can do. She needs time to figure it out and realize just what she really has.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

No she hasn't said anything - I know because I am a nosy [email protected]@rd.... I don't know how she thinks she is going to pay for it - or her car, student loans, etc.. the second she leaves I will drain the bank accounts, cancel credit cards, debit cards etc.. Unless she is willing to talk.. So I am thinking not to say anything??


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

cpt confused,

I wouldn't advise draining the bank accounts. If she defaults on her car loan. . .guess who's on the hook too? The liability may be shared of the marriage.

Cancelilng credit cards is a good idea but not a guarantee of immunity until you file a motion to protect yourself. Theoretically, she could open up a new c/c the next day and max it out. I am not a lawyer but this is only what I have self-taught myself. Seek counsel - it's cheap - $250/hour and it's the best part of the whole legal process - you can never spend too much on advice.

It's better to methodically try to split the assets and liabilities. Certainly protect yourself if you think she's capable of running up debt quickly - retain an attorney to file the appropriate paperwork.

To my stb-x's credit, we both kind of behaved in that regard (I hope she hasn't run up a c/c behind my back, lol).

Now, taking half of the bank account by a certain date isn't a bad idea necessarily. That's what our mediator advised and it worked okay. You want to show you respect and are in compliance with the law to any potential judge and not abandoning obligations of the partnership (esp. children if you have any).

I think the point is to act in "good faith" as if any judge could judge you at a later time (which is possible). It also gives you psychological leverage, which I used in negotiating a deal. I actually post-dated a whole quarter of household support checks as to show in good faith I will make child support payments.

Think "compliance" when it comes to the law.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Ok - I have a question that I need consensus on...
> She doesn't think I know she is moving out - should I tell her I know or just let her go and not say a word? My guess is she is planning to leave without telling me - she thinks I will follow her - big surprise on her part that I have no plans on following her or calling/texting/emailing if she leaves.


I second the thought that you should talk to a divorce atty ASAP. Like tomorrow. Your atty will advise you what steps to take if she abandons the marriage. 

If she leaves you need to cancel the cc's. I think you may have to cancel them for both of you if they are in both names. You may also want to go to the credit reporting agencies and freeze your credit.


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

Let her go. Dont interact with her, dont react. Move on, if you see her moving out, just leave and let her do it without you there.

I think that once she moves out you should contact her and say you want to formalize the separation. You dont need lawyers, but go through how you are going to manage the finances etc. Be upfront about it. Give yourself a time period when you are going to give each other some time, then work on yourself and move forward.

I took my wedding ring off last night, and got a match.com profile! Move on CPT!


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## itsanewday (Jan 1, 2010)

Dude,
listen to everyone on here. Trust me - I know your pain. Its unbearable and you want to know why someone would destroy your marriage when things seemed good.

1) Don't ask why
2) Start moving on. Its hard and probably the most painful thing you will ever experience but you can and will do it. Getting her out of the house will be a good thing. Then you can start doing what you want and hopefully you will stop stalking. I know thats a habit that is hard to stop because you want to know what the heck is really going on. At some point you have to stop this and get on with life, and getting her out will be step #1. Step #2 is getting a separation agreement and getting you finances in order. Step#3 is getting out and enjoying life, there is so much to do out there and start enjoying it. This will scar you but get on with it man!!!


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

thanks for all the great advise...i will have more to post soon


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

cpt_confused said:


> thanks for all the great advise...i will have more to post soon


Thanks for all the great advice...

I will not let anything in my name default.. car, etc.. and I was talking very hastily earlier.. I will take the high road...I can always make more money....Her mind set is that she doesn't want anything from me.. financially, emotionally, etc.. she has never ran up any huge debts, and spends very little on herself (even after our separation, I have never said anything about any money she has spent on herself.. mostly small amounts, couple of hundred here or there) and mostly anything she has bought for herself I have been with her when she has... so I am ok with that aspect.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

ok - my post wont post..so i am going to post it in multiple posts..


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Tonight was interesting.... I did confront her about leaving.. she admitted it, said she leaving soon, even if she had to take a couple of part time jobs.. as she is tired of her life being invaded by me.. I told her I was not purposely invading her life, but someone on hers or the scumbag cowards facebook was sending me screenshots and messages about what was going on between her and the scumbag coward. Which is all true - I don't know who it was as the messages were from fake accounts - accounts that were created just to send me a personal message - but my guess it was an old mutual friend of ours...

Man did she get upset, she was crying and pissed that she could not even "play a game" online without people wanting her to be miserable (I wanted to say "I have been miserable to 2 months!!! but I didn't).. but she did admit that she had at one time had feelings for the scumbag coward, but that she realized he was a loser and was sick of the drama..

she dropped him from her FB account (she did it in front of me) I do really hate to see her in pain (I know that sounds f'ed up after all she put me through, but I do care for her more than anything) but I know this is good for the long run. She needs to understand the motivation of most of the people on there.. 
I think it is like tunera said - our marriage can survive her anger, but it cannot survive a third person.. anger doesn't last forever..

I am still going away this weekend, and if she decides to move out then fine.. I know I have done everything in my power to make this work.

It is now time to give myself space... and her too..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't forget to make sure YOU are amazing...all the time. Smell good. Look good. Handle all the Honey Do's she ever asked you to take care of. Have her favorite flowers in the house. Help with things she's always mentioned she wished you'd help with (shows you listen to her). Shop for her favorite groceries. Cook her favorite foods. Get tickets to her favorite band. Whatever...just show her how great life would be if she chooses to stay. At another site, that's called 'Plan A' - wow her with your amazingness so that, when push comes to shove, she really can't argue that living with you is the best option.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - she moved out today - came home this afternoon - all her stuff is gone.. I am bummed, but I know this will be for the best - either she will miss me and we will start talking or I will get over her and move on... very sureal right now..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm sorry Cpt. I don't know what to say, but know that I am praying for you. My W is in the process of moving out also, so I guess I'll be experiencing the same thing very soon. My D came over for dinner and she just cried the whole time. My W didn't even notice.... 

Like I said yesterday "reason and love" died at the lawyer's meeting so I don't have any hope left. However, I think in your case your W may still see what she is giving up and may be able to sort through her feelings alone. In the meantime you need to talk to your friend some more about his experiences and realize it wasn't you it was her that changed. Maybe she will see the light someday and realize that you love her. Stay strong and hold your head high, you did everything you could to make it work. 

You have my e-mail if you need to talk about anything.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Cpt,

Listen to what Notaclue has said. She changed. But so did you in some ways. Take this as an opportunity to find your true happiness. As a suggestion to help find that I recommend a book I just finished entitled Siddhartha written by Herman Hesse. It is about finding the meaning of your life. Not a long book, but deep.

Enjoy yourself as much as possible. You will down moments -- we all do - but make you do at least one thing for yourself each day and build from there.

Good luck. Peace.


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

Hey Cpt,

This is a great opportunity for you to grow and become a better person. This is what I have learnt about my W asking me to move out - I took the opportunity and have found more meaning in my life, and more direction in my career.

Find a counselor and start going. Start a journal. Read the books people recommend. I am not over my wife by a long way, I still love her and I still have sleepless nights. But if we ever get back together I need to be a different and better person.

I was not a good husband, and I take responsibility. But I will be a better husband next time, whether it is for my wife or someone else.

The days get easier,

Pete


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> I'm sorry Cpt. I don't know what to say, but know that I am praying for you. My W is in the process of moving out also, so I guess I'll be experiencing the same thing very soon. My D came over for dinner and she just cried the whole time. My W didn't even notice....
> 
> Like I said yesterday "reason and love" died at the lawyer's meeting so I don't have any hope left. However, I think in your case your W may still see what she is giving up and may be able to sort through her feelings alone. In the meantime you need to talk to your friend some more about his experiences and realize it wasn't you it was her that changed. Maybe she will see the light someday and realize that you love her. Stay strong and hold your head high, you did everything you could to make it work.
> 
> You have my e-mail if you need to talk about anything.



NC - thanks for the kind words my friend.. It is very strange, but I am not as upset as I thought I would be.. for some reason I know this has to happen for the better - no matter if we end up together or not - this is for the best. Me and the dog will be just fine, and although I already miss her more that I can say, this is the only way.. same thing with you - this is the road we must travel -we do not have a choice, we do not have control. We have been forced down this road, and we must persevere .. we are good men, we are better than what is happening to us. We must take the high road and do what our hearts and morals tell us... and in the end, we will be even better people despite this sh1tty experience. We have to know this to be true.. no matter what - we will be ok...


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

All - thanks for the support ... I know I will be better because of this.. I have so many people that care about me more than I ever thought - including all of you.. it really means so much to me.. my friends have come out overflowing with caring and concern for me,, it makes me cry to know that I have had such an effect on people that they have come to me in my time of need - I didn't think I had so many great people in my life... It really makes me feel good. Even my dog has came up and laid in bed with me (we never let our dogs on the furniture, and never in the bed... I think sometimes they just know when you need a friend too)

I truly know this is what needs to happen.. it is hard,but I know in the end I will be a better person for it.. I will have down days, and I will be posting about them, crying and feeling sorry for myself, but in the end - i will be ok... one day at a time..


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Moving on said:


> Let her go. Dont interact with her, dont react. Move on, if you see her moving out, just leave and let her do it without you there.
> 
> I think that once she moves out you should contact her and say you want to formalize the separation. You dont need lawyers, but go through how you are going to manage the finances etc. Be upfront about it. Give yourself a time period when you are going to give each other some time, then work on yourself and move forward.
> 
> I took my wedding ring off last night, and got a match.com profile! Move on CPT!


This is exactly what I did - she was gone, I sent her an email and told her that it was unfortunate that she moved out that way but I am ok with it as we both need some space. I told her that I am not going to call or hound her, and that if she wants to talk my phone is always on, but we need to talk soon about finances, etc. She wrote back and said that was fair, so we will see.
So I am leaving for a long weekend and I will not be contacting her in any way unless she contacts me first..


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

Hey Cpt,

It does get better and easier, and your friends will be supportive of you. Even my wife's family is supportive of me, and I feel for her because she cannot go to them because she knows they would disapprove of what she has done.

My wife is moving out of our house, and we are working with the landlord to get our of our lease. She will have to pay double rent for a couple of months and was complaining about it!

I got a response from my match.com profile from a woman who is 27 (I am 38) and interested in meeting me. We have emailed and texted and it is really liberating to do this. I actual feel free and excited!

Keep moving forward...

Pete


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Well - she moved out today - came home this afternoon - all her stuff is gone.. I am bummed, but I know this will be for the best - either she will miss me and we will start talking or I will get over her and move on... very sureal right now..


Wow! I'm out of the country for a minute and so many things have happened! CPT, I'm really sorry to learn about her running out while you were out being a responsible adult. I have every confidence that she will learn the errors of her ways. Who knows, it might happen sooner than later.

Keep on moving on... that is really all that any of us can do. Enjoy your mini-vacation. Take that time and get yourself and your feelings in check.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

well... today is day 1 of her being gone... i am out of town trying to have fun.... but I still think about the wife all the time... I know she isn't doing much - everytime I check facebook she is on, posting things like today is the first day of the rest of her life and that she is finally free, etc, etc... she doesn't know I can see those things and everytime I see things like that I die a little (or actually a lot) inside...

But again this is the first day she has been on her own.. I am sure after a month or so that her perspective may change... or maybe not... or maybe mine will..... i hate this limbo stuff..

I still love my wife so much....but I dont understand why... she has hurt me more than anyone could have... why cant i just let her go.... why cant i be happy???


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry, CPT I know what you mean, but if they don't want to be with us or of us we need to let them go. They weren't meant to complete the journey with us.

BTW, I feel exactly the same way you do, but in my more lucid moments I realize that this whole experience is an emotional rollercoaster that we were forced to ride. They don't care what kind of devastation they are causing that's why we need to take care of ourselves first. Stay strong, you know you did nothing wrong. I know it's hard but you may want to quit reading her comments on facebook for awhile as it's only getting you more upset.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Now I know what a bi-polar personality feels like - I go from one being being almost ok that she is gone, to the next minute feeling very down about the whole thing.

I know she is talking to the scumbag coward again - unreal. 

I know that this will all come crashing down on her one day - or maybe it won't. Maybe I have lost my wife for good and I just need to accept that.

I do not look forward to being in an empty house - I have never been on my own, and I know it is going to be lonely... I have never been afraid of anything, but his kinda scares me..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well you have to realize that no matter how bad you feel, she doesn't care, especially if she is still dealing with that OM again. 

You need to find a way to take care of yourself now and be very selfish. You need a plan to move her out of your life and a way to keep her from manipulating you. I have a feeling she knows you are watching her facebook and is doing hurtful things to you. Like I said before maybe you need to quit reading her facebook. 

You did the very best you could and that is all anyone can ask. You are a good person trapped in a bad situation, but I know you will survive this. I sent you a PM.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Moving on said:


> Hey Cpt,
> 
> It does get better and easier, and your friends will be supportive of you. Even my wife's family is supportive of me, and I feel for her because she cannot go to them because she knows they would disapprove of what she has done.
> 
> ...


I think you may be on to something with the match.com thing.. I am far from being ready to seriously date anyone, but some female friendship would be a welcome distraction..


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> You did the very best you could and that is all anyone can ask. You are a good person trapped in a bad situation, but I know you will survive this. I sent you a PM.


Thanks for this - I know deep down you are right, and this is a bad situation - it is time to detach... matter of fact, I am going to read that again...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Thanks for this - I know deep down you are right, and this is a bad situation - it is time to detach... matter of fact, I am going to read that again...


Yeah I think thats a good idea - I'm going to read it again also. 
I replied to your PM - not sure if it went thru ?


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Yeah I think thats a good idea - I'm going to read it again also.
> I replied to your PM - not sure if it went thru ?


Yep - got it..thx.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> well... today is day 1 of her being gone... i am out of town trying to have fun.... but I still think about the wife all the time... I know she isn't doing much - everytime I check facebook she is on, posting things like today is the first day of the rest of her life and that she is finally free, etc, etc... she doesn't know I can see those things and everytime I see things like that I die a little (or actually a lot) inside...
> 
> But again this is the first day she has been on her own.. I am sure after a month or so that her perspective may change... or maybe not... or maybe mine will..... i hate this limbo stuff..
> 
> I still love my wife so much....but I dont understand why... she has hurt me more than anyone could have... why cant i just let her go.... why cant i be happy???


It's very painful to be in your situation and it is painful having to read about how rude, unappreciated, and childish she has become. I'm sure that everyone here is extremely sympathetic to your situation and feelings.

I actually do not know what to say. She seems to be making a mockery of it all. When this falls in on her, it's going to be like something that she has never imagined nor could have ever thought could happen.

Once again, try to enjoy your time out of town and try to stand tall. Learn to hold your head up high. Today is a new day and you are clearly on your way to better things.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - it has been an interesting weekend so far...

I am out - I am having fun (or at least trying to have fun... knowing that I am going to have to deal with the pain of her being gone this week).. Since she left on Thursday I have been keeping myself busy but drinking too much.... I have always been a social drinker and I don't see that changing, but it is starting to get out of control a bit.. time to get back on the workout train and off the rum train...

Anyway - since she has moved out she has basically been on facebook constantly - acting like a little $lut I might add - but is that really the way to live a "free" life?? On facenbook basically from the time you get up until you fall asleep?? I cannot believe the smart independent woman I married has fallen in this trap of all these idiots she associates with on there - or maybe it is her way to try to act out without actually acting out... who knows - and I am starting to care less and less... I still do love my wife , but her actions are showing me how little regard she actually has for me... and like I read on on of Corpus's posts.... "its my love and I choose who I give it to" or something similar to that.... it is soo true... why should I choose to give my love to someone who does not appreciate it in the least? Don't we all deserve to give our love to someone that appreciates it and is willing to reciprocate? I know that that someone is out there, and I also know that I wish for the moment that that someone was my wife.... but I am delusional ... it is not my wife... it will probably never be my wife.. and that really sucks.. but it is what it is.. but one thing this experience has shown me is I know in time my wife will regret her decision... she will.. she cannot make a lasting relationship or even a true friendship on facebook - it takes more commitment than that. One day she will look back on this and long for the days when she had a husband that cherished her, who loved her unconditionally and would do anything for her, and I am sad to know that she will probably be miserable for a very long time.. and I truly mean that - it really does make me sad... but one thing that I know is that I will not be miserable for very long.... yes I hurt now, I actually have never hurt like this before...but the hurt I feel now will lead to growth... I know this to be true. I know I was a good person before this terrible thing happened to me.. and after it is over - I will be an even better person, which will in turn lead to even greater happiness for me.. I feel so certain of this.. I know it will come to be just like I know the sun will rise tomorrow... even though at the moment I could care less about the sun rising tomorrow.. because I know that all tomorrow will bring is more pain.. but it will also bring a miniscule amount of healing too. In time I will heal.. in time I will love... in time I will be a better person... In time I will be able to let go... but in the words of Jack Johnson - "sometimes time doesn't heal heal - no not at all.." We have to look at ourselves to heal, we have to look at ourselves for strength. And most important, we have to look at ourselves for love... we have to love ourselves, and when we do we will finally be free to give our love away again to whom we choose....

Sorry for the rant - but had a lot of things going through my head tonight and I figure why write in a journal when I can write here and possibly help someone else too? Everyone on here is going though something similar and we all did not deserve what happened to us... but we have to deal with it... So I m going to be pouring my feelings out here over the next few weeks...

Capt..


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Well - it has been an interesting weekend so far...
> 
> I am out - I am having fun (or at least trying to have fun... knowing that I am going to have to deal with the pain of her being gone this week).. Since she left on Thursday I have been keeping myself busy but drinking too much.... I have always been a social drinker and I don't see that changing, but it is starting to get out of control a bit.. time to get back on the workout train and off the rum train...
> 
> ...


cpt_confused so sorrry that u going through this. i have been following ur posts I want to tell u that u need to be detached from ur wife's actvities , & work on urself . I know ur wife has not behaved like a reponsible person but i think u should have left her on her own for sometime rather than , showering her with ur love & showing ur emotions because sometimes it only drives the other person away . 

i know u wil be coming out of it as stronger & better person

best of luck


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## Moving on (Jan 26, 2010)

Hey Cpt,

I went through the period of facebook stalking and it can be really destructive. Stop using facebook, or defriend/block your wife.

Your post could have been written by me. I feel exactly the same way. My wife will come to regret her decision, and the question is when she does if I am still open to reconciliation. However I think it is important to look at yourself as a husband and reflect on what you did. One of the great parts of growth for me has been the recognition that I was not a great husband, that I struggled to communicate honestly with my wife and that I avoid conflict. I dont say this to excuse her actions, but to focus on me and what I want. I now know what I want out of a relationship and I know I will be a life partner.

I have been on match.com for 5 days and it has been a GREAT distraction. It is hard for a guy because you have to do all the work and get all the rejection, but for people in our situation it is great. You send out 30 emails and get 5 responses and you can have 5 dates. I have not gone out yet, but I have seen how many really great women out there that would appreciate me in the way my wife has not. 

I know that for all of us, we will be strong, but we also need to own our feelings for our wives. I am still not sleeping great, I still think about her when something reminds me, and there is still a piece deep inside that has not healed. Dont ignore that. It is what makes you a great husband.

Cheers,

Pete


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## francescadomonique (Jan 31, 2010)

Dear Cpt Confused,
I am not there, inside of your marriage so we do not know the details. We are all just people on the outside looking in. You probably did something, or a serious of things to hurt her feelings and you dont even know about it because your so used to doing what you always do. 13 years is a long time to throw away, it has to be something or someone if she is just going to walk away from you. You need to continue to persist on talking to her. Supporting someone financially and emotionally are two seperate things. A woman needs attention. Ya see, something that you must understand about a woman, is that if she is walking out on you then there is something that you are not doing, or she is just a trashy woman, and from what you described your wife doesnt seem like the trashy type. So if you cannot verbally talk to her then you need to try writting her a letter or bringing back memories, doing little things to show her that you really love her and you havent forgotten about her. 
Need more advice
email me at [email protected]


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

francescadomonique said:


> Dear Cpt Confused,
> I am not there, inside of your marriage so we do not know the details. We are all just people on the outside looking in. You probably did something, or a serious of things to hurt her feelings and you dont even know about it because your so used to doing what you always do. 13 years is a long time to throw away, it has to be something or someone if she is just going to walk away from you. You need to continue to persist on talking to her. Supporting someone financially and emotionally are two seperate things. A woman needs attention. Ya see, something that you must understand about a woman, is that if she is walking out on you then there is something that you are not doing, or she is just a trashy woman, and from what you described your wife doesnt seem like the trashy type. So if you cannot verbally talk to her then you need to try writting her a letter or bringing back memories, doing little things to show her that you really love her and you havent forgotten about her.
> Need more advice
> email me at [email protected]


Well - this issue with doing this is that is all I have done since the day she told me she wanted to separate. I have asked her repeatedly not to go, to go to counseling, to do anything but leave.. the more I wanted to keep her in my life, the further and faster she moved away from me.

I know that I have faults, but she is acting very irrational right now. She blames me for her not having any friends or a life outside of me. She cannot see that these are her issues. For her the only way to fix this is to leave me. She see's no other way - she wants to make a new life journey, and so far that journey does not include me.

But one thing I do realize is that now the game has changed, and this is all very new to her (and me).. She has only been "on her own" for 3 days - it is still all fun and games... in time reality will sink in and she will have some hard choices to make. I really wish she did not have to go through this, I do love her dearly and do not want to see he have to struggle.. and I know she will struggle. It truly breaks my heart in more ways than one.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Great posts CPT. I think she is out of control right now and the best thing to do is ignore it. Eventually she will come down from her high and crash. She is in full rebellion mode and there is nothng you can do to change it. In time she will come to her senses, the question is "will you have already moved on" when she does ?


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Great posts CPT. I think she is out of control right now and the best thing to do is ignore it. Eventually she will come down from her high and crash. She is in full rebellion mode and there is nothng you can do to change it. In time she will come to her senses, the question is "will you have already moved on" when she does ?


That is a hard question.. right now I would say no - but time will tell...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Yes, only time will tell, but you need to ignore the self destructive things she is doing now and don't take them personally. It's about her, not you, and she is just acting out like a small child. Eventually she will stop the tantrum.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks my friend... I know thats what I need to do.. seems to me mornings are so hard... at night I feel so much more confident, but the mornings I am just a mess...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Same here,hard to get out of bed and get started each morning and face the world and all the happy people at work.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - the wife cleaned up some of the facebook friends she uses for mafia wars and she got rid of the fake account I was using to see her posts - and it is alittle liberating for me. Oh well.

I so much want to send her an email or text, telling her how I feel, etc but I am not going to. I know it will do no good. I think the right thing to do is wait for her to contact me - but it sure does not feel like it..

I still cannot bring myself to sign onto match.com or plentyoffish.com.. I guess I am just not ready to go that route yet.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

As hard as it is Cpt, you know it's time to detach. She doesn't want to hear from you and it will push her even further away. 

Besides, she knows how you feel already and she is going to have to decide how to deal with it. My guess is that she will contact you first. 

I don't know about what the financial arrangements are, but how is she living w/o a job at this point ? Did she rent an apt. or just go live with friends ? Seems like a non-sustainable short term thing for her to me.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

My guess is she is living with a mutual female friend, but I don't know that.. But I do know she was able to move out all her stuff (and there was some big stuff) and was back on facebook in under 5 hours - so to me her stuff went into a storage unit and she moved in with a this friend - or she's living in a hotel (although I don't see how that is maintainable either). She got a PO box I think so I could not see her address.. No way she could have got an apartment and had internet, etc all set up in only a few days. But this is all speculation on my part.

She has some money her mother gave us a long time ago - not a ton, but enough to get by for the next few months. 

We have yet to discuss the finances in detail, but I have taken steps to protect myself.. as much as I don't know my wife right now, I do know she would not do anything detrimental to our finances and I check the accounts she does have access to every day.

My guess is she is still trying hard to find a job - even though I am not sure how she is doing that when she is on FB 24/7.. even if it a couple of part time jobs - 

So who knows - detachment is the right thing, but I only have eyes for my wife still and it makes detaching tough.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well just got back from my weekend out of town - and I feel even worse - I hate coming home to an empty house.. I guess I have to just get used to it..


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Cpt.,

That is the hardest part -- being the one left behind where all the memories are good and bad. It drove me nuts. You do have to detach --- its for your sanity. And yes it is hard. But you can do it. Just keep moving forward.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Yeah - I think now is the time to call on my friends, try not to be lonely all the time.. but it is tough - really don't feel like going out..


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Now is the time you need to go out the most. Hit the gym. Take a walk, go for a run. Sign up for volunteering. Anything.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I just had some friends invite me over for dinner tonight - which is good. They are very funny people, should put me in a good mood..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Good for you CPT. Stay busy and stay strong. You are in my prayers my friend. You will weather this storm.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Good for you CPT. Stay busy and stay strong. You are in my prayers my friend. You will weather this storm.


Right back at you brother.. We will get through this.. I am sure you will be hearing from me later tonight - I am not going to sleep much after I get home..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I never sleep either so I'll talk to you later.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I came home alittle early - wanted to see my dog since I hadn't in 4 days.. It is very uncomfortable to be here alone.. It's early and I am laying in bed.. don't really feel comfortable being in the living room either..

I had nice meal with my friends, but I almost lost it when I came into the house - I was very upset.. And to top it off I have no idea where my wife is even at.. that makes it worse.. I always worry about her, and I hate this not knowing if she is ok or not..

This is going to be a tough week - I have so much work to do, and all if it takes alot of thinking and brain power - and my brain is basically off right now - I am running on pure emotions - and not good emotions either.

I have to start working out again, but not tonight..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Get some rest Cpt. I had a circular talk with my W tonight that just went nowhere. Everything I said got turned around on me and I finally just left the room. She is moving out on Friday and I can't stop her. She no longer loves me and will never love me again and is happy to be going. She knows I love her but doesn't even care. 

So I too will be alone by the weekend. It's also going to be very strange and lonely for me to, but we just need to do the best we can until this storm passes. 

As much as I worry for my wife, after Friday I can't worry about her anymore. I have to worry about me and my daughter. Think you need to worry about yourself now also. 

Like you said the other day, I'm going to hang in there with the hope that someday I can be "happy again."


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Sorry NC - 

One thing I do know - never is a long time.. things are usually not "Always" or "Never".... Your wife and my wife are acting like rebellious teenagers (I dated my wife when we were 16, and I can say without a doubt she is acting like she did when she was 16).

I do think the day will come in both of their lives that they will realize the love they gave up and will regret the decisions they have made... but there is a chance they won't either. It is not up to us anymore.....


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - today is totally $ucking...
I want to contact my wife so bad, send an email, something... but I know it is not the right move... I have stopped looking at her facebook, and it just feels like I am so cut off from her - puts me in such a down mood - this detachment thing is no fun at all...

Not to mention I have to go to that empty house after work... This just blows..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry Cpt we are going to have bad days. On the bright side, At least our dogs still like us. 

Detachment is the only answer and the only way to get off the addiction to her. I don't look forward to the empty house thing either, but it is the only way. It's not what we have chosen, but what has been thrust upon us. If they don't love us, they need to leave. 

Maybe someday they will realize what they have done and it will impact them like us. Maybe someday they will realize that they walked away from our love and the alternative isn't really better. 
Maybe someday our pain will be replaced by happiness.


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## itsanewday (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry to hear your guy's pain. Reading your posts makes me feel better about myself because I am doing good in terms of letting go. Its been about a month since I made the decision to get her out my life as soon as possible and I haven't regretted it for a second. To illustrate my situation, she is currently with her boy toy at her parents house. Thats right - my inlaws are supporting this affair. Incredible. Anyhow, long story short, I honestly feel that I am better off without this negative energy in my life. Fortunately, I was only with her for 5 yrs and married for 1 with no kids so it might be easier for me, but you guys can do this. Remember the truth:
1) you deserve better
2) they dont give a **** about us
3) you need to think about #1 uno - yourself (and I guess your children) This includes kicking ass at the gym, getting involved with the community, doing well at work, eating healthy, getting in contact with friends/family, etc. I am in the best shape of my life, in contact with so many of my friends, eating healthy, and never been so motivated in my life.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - I have to talk about something good that happened to me tonight... 
Went out to eat at a nice place with a bud of mine - he sold some property today so we were going to celebrate...
There is this beautiful bartender, thin, brunette, great smile - she is looking at me - so I start smiling back at her.. she comes and waits on me - we play this little flirting game for most of the night - then she says that her and her friend are going to get something to eat after she gets off, so I go with her.. we had a great time, she is also divorced (longer than me), but likes alot of the same things I do.. It was sooo refreshing to be able to meet and talk to another beautiful woman that is interested in me.. she even called me when she got in her car.. we are going to go to a movie this week.. I haven't even thought about the wife all night.. amazing.. I haven't felt this good in many, many months..


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Cpt, I read through most of this thread and it really is amazing how the stories are all almost from the same playbook. Yours is the same as mine.

Go get the book by Frank Pittman "Betrayal, Lies etc..." Its sooooooo textbook. So I asked my wife on Aug 31 2009 what was wrong and told her i loved her and i was concerned were were getting too far apart and it was going to create problems ahead. I asked her if she still loved me and if she still wanted to be married to me. She said she didn't know. I asked her if ther was someone else and she said no but there are always people that interest you whether you are married or not. she said she had only been talking to someone. 

That told me all I needed to know. I worked on what we needed to do. Asked her to go to a counselor, was nice to her, tried to be a better husband etc...She had shutdown and told me she didn't want to save the marriage. She was done and it was too far gone and it couldn't be repaired. I asked her who she was talking to and she said it didn't make any difference because this was about us.

I put a key stroke logger on her mac. That didn't yield anything. I looked at the phone records for the business we owned that she managed. No smoking guns. I looked over the text log for her phone and nothing. I couldn't figure it out. This all broke on 8-31. On 9-19 I told her I was going to visit a sick friend about 45 minutes away and then I was coming back to go to a counseling appt (she refused to go and said counselors were worthless -- this was on a Sat evening.)

I got to thinking that she was up to no good that evening because when I asked her what she was doing I go the old "going out with friends to the movies" response. I said cool what movie and she couldn't answer off the top of her head--this was a smoking gun because she always picks out the movie first before she goes.

So I call my buddy from 45 minutes away and ask him to follow her. He can't but says he'll leave his son's car with the keys and the garage open. I go in and grab his son's car, leave mine in his garage, and drive to find the wife. I run across her by sheer accident and start following her. She went ot the movies and went in alone. I bought a ticket after it started and tried to see where she was sitting but couldn't see her so I had to wait until the movie came out. I stood across the street and watched her come out with a date and walk to his car. 

I gave them a while and hid in the garage they were parked behind a van. They started kissing and making out--this was with a family friend. I went and got the car I was in and pulled into the garage and parked them in and got out and confronted them both.

I had a bat with me and wanted to use it but didn't. The pen is mightier than the sword.

The next day I sent her e-mailed links to local apartments and told her she needed to find something the next day. That would be Monday. She found a nice house-I encouraged her to find something nice so she did because at that point I could not care less how much she was paying because in very short order it was going to be her obligation--not mine. The timeline is first discussion of problems 8-31. Busting her on a date 9-19. Lease signed and initial move out was 9-21. we sat down and came to agreements on what she got and what I got. I told her I would write it up, send it to her for her review, and then we'd have "an" attorney draw it up. It was my attorney.

We got it drawn up and entered the papers into the court on 10-9 and the divorce was final. My attorney told me that if you are going t get a divorce the wronged party should move as swiftly as possible because the other one feels guilty. I did. I got out with 2/3's of the businesses we owned. No child support. (I totally support my kids btw) No Maintenance/Alimony. Nothing.

I also work a corporate job in addition to the businesses we owned. I'll tell you her household income dropped 80% by no longer having my earnings and giving up 2/3's of the business profits. She didn't care. She was above material stuff and let me know that on so many occasions.

So 8-31 -----> 10-9 divorce. She let me know soooo many times that she was out. Gone. done. Etc... I offered a 30 day waiting period but she was anxiious to move to her new life. It was September and the weather was beautiful during all this. No shw is getting $$500 a month heating and electric bills. No insurance from my corporate job. Well women exams coming out of her pocket. Lexus car insurance....and so on. Guess what--she hasn't worked a regular job in 16 years. No W2. The banks are telling her dream on in buying her own house unless she puts down a significant chunk of downpayment.

The house she left was 5400 sq feet with a pool, and a beautiful neighborhood. 

No more twice yearly 10k vacations to places like Thailand and Aspen and so forth.

But....she is MAD MAD MAD at me most day sand she is still seeing her affair partner. He got a divorce. I don't think all is as rosy as it was supposed to be though.

My story.


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Oh and one other thing was I set up a profile on match.com probably a day or two before my divorce was to become final. No pictures--nothing. But the morning after it was final I paid the fee, loaded pics, and had women contact me and vice versa within a hours. It felt GREAT. Highly recommended.

Anyone you go out with in the first year is probably not going to be a long termer. That's the shame of it all but as long as you are honest yu can let your dates make up their minds about you.

Its just an emotional distraction but when you have a woman that cuddles up to you at the movies, holds your hand, kisses you when they greet you--that's a nice feeling.

Good luck!


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Good for you Cpt. Be careful of the rebound effect with relationships so soon after the break-up. Think Scott described it pretty good.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Yeah - i realize that this mat be the rebound effect - but I have been totally honest with this new woman - we will call her Smiles for now... 
The cool thing is she has went through something very similar - and she knows what I am going through... I just met her and I know this is very early... but it is very nice to have a beautiful women who is interested in you - and I am interested in her too.. this is more fun than I thought it ever could have been.. and here is why....
I have talked to probably 30 or more women since my wife said she did not love me anymore - I think alot of guys do this... it is natural - we are looking for that someone who gives us the same feeling that our wives gave us... we will never find that and it is false hope to wish for that....

But...... here is what I found...

I was having a really, really bad day, and I saw this woman with the most amazing smile.. a smile that made me want to smile.. I have not ever had an opportunity to ever act on feelings for another person, but now I can, so I did... and this person with this great smile took a shine to me.. it really made me feel good - do I think this person is the "one" for me...no.. it is way too early for those kind of feelings.. but do I want to get to know this person more - absolutely.. the worst that can happen is I gain a new friend out of it.. so there are only positives as far as I can see.. whereas the only thing I have with my soon to be X wife is negatives...she can only make me feel bad - so I am choosing to go the positive route..

So here is what happened today... I had some spare time at the office so I decide to call her to see if she wants to go to the movies - she wants to see avatar and so do I.... but I get voicemail... so bummed - but I leave a message - I am very new to this dating game.. I do not hear anything back for life 5 hrs - so I think - well she thinks I am stalker for calling her so quickly... sh1t... so I workout then head to a great asian place for sushi... low and behold I get a text message from her - she was in class, but she wants to get together.... so we are going to the movies on friday - i am taking a half day from work... I am like a school kid I am so exited.. we texted back and forth for an hour or so.. very cool.

So I left the restaurant and stopped by a friends house... these friends of mine have been the most supportive people you can imagine over the past several months, but I have been in a cave, not wanting to interact with anybody - so I stopped by to tell them how appreciative I was to have friends that loved me as much as they did and had a good cry with them.. I am absolutely amazed at the number to true friends I have... I am truly grateful and I know I will get though this no matter what...

OK that is my rant for the night....live in the now.. and appreciate those that truly love you....

In the words of Jimmy Buffett...."Life is just a tire swing'....

Capt


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

elscotto said:


> Cpt, I read through most of this thread and it really is amazing how the stories are all almost from the same playbook. Yours is the same as mine.
> 
> Go get the book by Frank Pittman "Betrayal, Lies etc..." Its sooooooo textbook. So I asked my wife on Aug 31 2009 what was wrong and told her i loved her and i was concerned were were getting too far apart and it was going to create problems ahead. I asked her if she still loved me and if she still wanted to be married to me. She said she didn't know. I asked her if ther was someone else and she said no but there are always people that interest you whether you are married or not. she said she had only been talking to someone.
> 
> ...


wow... that is one helluva story....and i feel for you.... all we can do is hold our head high and move forward...one day at a time...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Yeah - i realize that this mat be the rebound effect - but I have been totally honest with this new woman - we will call her Smiles for now...
> The cool thing is she has went through something very similar - and she knows what I am going through... I just met her and I know this is very early... but it is very nice to have a beautiful women who is interested in you - and I am interested in her too.. this is more fun than I thought it ever could have been.. and here is why....
> I have talked to probably 30 or more women since my wife said she did not love me anymore - I think alot of guys do this... it is natural - we are looking for that someone who gives us the same feeling that our wives gave us... we will never find that and it is false hope to wish for that....
> 
> ...


Good for you Cpt. sounds like you are making a lot of progress really fast. It's good to have a new friend with the same types of experiences and she sounds like someone that you can really relate to - which is important. Way to go ! 

I think your wife would be really surprised to find out that you have already started dating. I'm not suggesting that you tell her anything, just that I bet she thinks you are still crying about her and waiting for her to come back. She may not realize that in six months when she wants to come back, you may have already moved on in a new relationship. She is skating on thin ice now and doesn't realize it.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - I hear ya.. Not that me an this women are anything serious or will become anything serious - but just having someone flirt with you a bit kinda set off a switch inside of me... It was like "I'm spending all this energy on someone who wants so desperately not to be with me - when I could be trying to find someone who is at least interested in spending time with me." - And it was an epiphany - now do I still miss my wife - sure, and I probably always will, but I have to move on for me - I think I am a hell of a catch, and I just have to find the right person to share my dream and journey with - and they are out there... and the only way I am going to find them is to get out there.

So I was little bummed today because I didn't hear from smiles, but that's ok - I wasn't going to call or text her - don't want to come across as too eager 

But I have a helluva weekend coming up - taking the day off tomorrow, going to a matinee with smiles - she has to work afterward... but I have an old college buddy coming down for the weekend for the Ferrari show - so we will hit the town and stop and see her at work for a few drinks.. then the ferrari show on saturday - then the buddy I spent the weekend with last weekend is coming down for the weekend, so we will party at another friends of mines house, (a very nice place... 2+ mil for their house and they are really great people), Sunday is superbowl so more parties to go to... and who knows.. if things go well with smiles maybe I can get her to go out on a nice dinner date or something this weekend...

So the way I look at it - there are only positives happening for the next 3 days, and I am going to keep a good, positive outlook - h3ll I may even get up in the morning and work out!!

NC - I know tomorrow is going to be a rough day for you - and you will be in my thoughts, and I will have a few c0cktails for you my friend... please try to keep thinking positive.. I still have bad moments - especially mornings and early evenings in a empty house, but everyday is getting alittle better.. It will for you too...

You have my email addy if you need anything tomorrow - actually I will PM you with the email that goes to my phone... don't hesitate to shoot me a mail if you need to vent...

Capt..


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks CPT I probably will need to vent at some point, she is moving out now and is in a very foul mood, so I'm just sitting here on the computer chilling.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - 

It has been a strange week - I still miss my wife - I looked at her FB and I know she is filling out the divorce papers... I think I probably blew it with the new girl - I am just being too eager and I knew that would probably happen... It's just too early right now.

I hate being in the empty house, but I think I am getting more used to it. 

I haven't looked at the wifes FB in a while, but I did yesterday - she actually wrote on there that she was afraid she was in physical danger from me... WTF?? I really feel like writing her an email.. I would never, ever lay a harmful finger on her - and I want her to know that, and I don't understand why she would even think that...

This whole thing is so confusing....


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Wow, I'd get an atty now especially since she is writing stuff like that on FB. Wonder if she is going to do something stupid like a restraining order if she is talking like that. I have a bad feeling Cpt she is setting you up and her creepy buddy is helping her. 

Hope you are printing out all her FB posts. Especially the ones with her EO. Sounds like you need to start documenting what she is doing to protect yourself. 

Sorry about your new friend, but maybe you are not ready yet. I sure am not even close.


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

laffin you will run a couple of them off before you'll land a keeper.

No worries--there are a ZILLION women out there that will want to hang out with you. Also, why not put your wife in the "ex" mode status on FB. That way she will have to stumble on your posts but you won't get any notifications or anything like that when you post. It will probably drive her crazy.

I would MAKE 100% sure that you do not meet or talk to your soon to be ex in anything but a public setting. I told mine that things were so crazy these days that I didn't trust myself to keep stuff straight based on voice conversations so I would prefer to do things over e-mail so I had a record later in case I forgot things.

write copious notes recording the time, date, and records of your conversations. When mine wanted to move stuff out of the house I gave her a window of times that she was to do it and I left the house. I didn't want to be there and I avoided confrontations that way too.

Treat your soon to be ex professionally and friendly. Be polite in all communications (please, thank you, salutations, closings etc...)

Good luck!

Scott


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Wow, I'd get an atty now especially since she is writing stuff like that on FB. Wonder if she is going to do something stupid like a restraining order if she is talking like that. I have a bad feeling Cpt she is setting you up and her creepy buddy is helping her.


Yeah, like my W of 15 years did to me. She also expressed in declarations thru her attorney that she was afraid of me. My reaction was like "WHAT?" Never laid a hand on her - EVER. I was brought up right, never hit a woman. It just amazes me how they go into this mode where they are fearful and play the victim when THEY decided to cheat and end the marriage.

Seriously, talk to an attorney about this FB post - print it out for proof before your W de-friends you on FB. Mine did when I confronted her about the affair. She played dirty and filed the restraining order request without notifying my attorney. As a result a temporary order was granted for 3 weeks because I was not present ot represented in court. It has since been 100% REMOVED. The judge saw thru her games. Be careful!!!

Still lost 3 weeks with our kids - I will never forget she did that to us.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Wow Help, that sounds pretty underhanded. Glad you got it removed , but she did do a bit of damage in the meantime. 

I'd get a little concerned if I saw something like that on FB - why else would she say it if she doesn't intend to use it legally ? I agree that Cpt needs to print it out and act on it ASAP.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

well,
Found out today that my soon to be X is on "vacation" most likely with the scumbag coward - man I was really upset - less than 3 weeks out of the house and she turns into a wh0r3, no way I can sleep tonight.. but in a way it is kind of the last straw with me.. Oh - and she even had to audacity to email me tonight to tell me she was out of town and has little to no cell coverage so she would email me next week (I sent her an email about some domestic/bill related issues that she never replied to) - I so much wanted to email back and tell her dont f'ing bother to even contact me unless its to sign divorce papers. I almost can't wait for reality to find her , and it hurts me to feel that way...

On a good note - I found out that I have a very, very good friend I never knew cared so much for me. This girl has been like the sister I never had - always willing to talk, a shoulder to cry and and a friend to drink with. While we have no romantic feelings toward each other, she has truly been a great healing force for me the past week or so, and has even been helping me with Smiles... who coincidentally called me today - I saw her tonight for a bit, we are trying to get together for the weekend....

So while I am upset - life is still not so bad...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> well,
> Found out today that my soon to be X is on "vacation" most likely with the scumbag coward - man I was really upset - less than 3 weeks out of the house and she turns into a wh0r3, no way I can sleep tonight.. but in a way it is kind of the last straw with me.. Oh - and she even had to audacity to email me tonight to tell me she was out of town and has little to no cell coverage so she would email me next week (I sent her an email about some domestic/bill related issues that she never replied to) - I so much wanted to email back and tell her dont f'ing bother to even contact me unless its to sign divorce papers. I almost can't wait for reality to find her , and it hurts me to feel that way...
> 
> On a good note - I found out that I have a very, very good friend I never knew cared so much for me. This girl has been like the sister I never had - always willing to talk, a shoulder to cry and and a friend to drink with. While we have no romantic feelings toward each other, she has truly been a great healing force for me the past week or so, and has even been helping me with Smiles... who coincidentally called me today - I saw her tonight for a bit, we are trying to get together for the weekend....
> ...



Meet someone with a questionable "history" on FB and have an affair. Didn't this guy just get arrested ? 

Sounds like your W is really over the edge and has no clue what she is really dealing with. This guy could be on drugs, could be dangerous or could have some type of disease and your W is clueless. Make sure you turn the credit cards off and limit access to your bank accounts - no telling what could happen with this guy helping her spend your money. He could be a con artist. 

I hate to say it Cpt, but sounds like she is on the road to self destruction and will crash and burn sooner than you think. You will have to decide if you want to take her back when this happens.

ETA: If you know this guys name and where he lives, you may want to look up local arrest records - you may be surprised at what you find. A lot of counties now have arrest records online or you can subscribe to an online service pretty cheap.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

aeiousimplicity said:


> Dear cpt_confused,
> 
> I'm not going to lie to you & say it'll get easier soon. Because, in all reality, it takes so long to heal. Even then, we don't completely heal. People say time heals all wounds, but it can numb them to the point that things are bearable.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your kind words, and your blunt words - they all help. I have come to the realization that although I still love my wife - it is time for me to move on. I started pushing her for a finalized divorce today. I just want this to be over - I have so much love in my heart that I really want to find someone who will appreciate it.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Meet someone with a questionable "history" on FB and have an affair. Didn't this guy just get arrested ?
> 
> Sounds like your W is really over the edge and has no clue what she is really dealing with. This guy could be on drugs, could be dangerous or could have some type of disease and your W is clueless. Make sure you turn the credit cards off and limit access to your bank accounts - no telling what could happen with this guy helping her spend your money. He could be a con artist.
> 
> ...


Well - what i did is email her today - told her I knew everything, and that I want the divorce final in the next 20 days - she has had long enough to get this done, now it is just time for it to be over - as much as it hurts me, it is for my own good this is over. I know she will stall, because all of a sudden she will have a car payment, have to pay her student loans, insurance, etc, etc... But it is time for her to put her big girl pants on and face the real world. She wants to be with this loser so bad - have him take care of all that sh1t.. I'm done. And it kills me to say that - I have been listening to Sade all night just crying into my rum.... but it is what has to be done. I am so ready to meet someone who will appreciate me and the love I have to give, rather than someone who takes it for granted. I will always care deeply for my wife, but it is really time for me to move on...even though I don't want to.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I think your W will be in for a real life's lesson that she has never had. Let's see her pay for her bills and her loser BF's bills. 

I'm sure she will want alimony and 1/2 your assets but I would fight it all the way. I don't know if you have seen an atty yet or not, but looks like you need to freeze the bank accts and see an atty. tomorrow. 

BTW, I couldn't listen to Sade - too sad.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Forgot to add Cpt that I hope you are documenting everything and I think you still need to do a Background check on this guy. I think you may have a little leverage in court if she demands alimony and it's clear she is cheating.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks all - 

Things have gotten alot better for me lately... My stbx doesn't want anything from me financially (even though I am still supporting her alittle financially because I care for her, but legally I am not bound to any alimony, etc.). The stbx and I have had dinner a few times, even went shopping together for some things, but it is clear that this is not the woman I married and fell in love with - she has demons she needs to conquer, and I have had to let her go.

I am ok with that, although I am still sad about it - I miss the life we used to have, but I have chosen to move on.

I met someone and we have taken a real shine to each other - nothing serious, but we have fun when we can spend time together and we have alot in common (way more then my X and I did - which really surprised me - I never realized how much my X and I didn't have in common)... I know that our paths will probably not be joined, but she is special and make me feel special too - so I will enjoy the moment and live for the day.

It's been a long road for me, and there is still alot more I have to deal with - but little by little I can see the light....


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Glad to hear you are sorting everything out Cpt. It's great you have a new relationship , just be careful as it may be too soon to get serious. Rebound effect...but I think you know that. 

I think your stbx will be very sorry in about a year and wish she was back with you. I know you love her very much like I love my W, but I think after all they have done, too many bridges have been burned to find their way back.

I really am starting to question whether I even want to see her again after the divorce. I will tolerate the way she is treating me now, but once the negotiations are finished and the papers are signed it will be a whole different story. She doesn't seem to understand that we can not be good friends once this is over and she will no longer be able to speak to me in the manner she does now. I am counting the days at this point. My give a damn meter is pegged out....


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC,

I hear ya - my stbx and I just got done filling out the rest of our papers, the financial ones etc... it cost me alittle more than I thought it would out of my savings, but she didn't want any of my business which is good, and I am ok with it... 

But she wants to be buddy buddy friends.. actually asked me to make a 3 hour (each way) trip to go look at places for her to live... I told her there was no way I could do that.. emotionally it is just not healthy.

So she is moving on Monday 3.5 hours north of where I live.. I gave her my living room furniture and the TV from my living room too - I was needing an excuse to buy new ones so this worked. 

Now that she is moving and all our divorce paperwork is filed and will be final soon - I have to tell ya I fell very defeated. I have never failed in my life, and this was the biggest failure of them all.. But like NC said - my give a damn meter is pegged..

So tonight me and smiles are going to the movies - it will be nice to be with someone who actually wants my company and likes me


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

CPt , I am happy you have Smiles and I know things will work out for you. 

Sometimes I feel defeated also, but I'm not going to let it define the rest of my life and I know you won't either. You already have a friend so maybe you weren't meant to be with your W forever and maybe she isn't your one "true" love. Maybe she was only meant to be with you for the first or second act of this "play" we call life. 

I don't think you failed. She left you because she is not "part" of you and she is not "of" you. When people do what our W's did all you can do is let them go and bid them farewell. You can not change their minds and you can not will them to love you. Lord knows I tried and it won't work. They are no longer in our "Play" of life and it's time to end this relationship and see what life has in store for us. 

This is the prayer I say every night: 

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. 
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but for the patience to win my freedom. "

Cpt, I think I'm at the stage where I want to win my freedom and I suspect you are also in the same place.


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## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

Cpt and notaclue, I'm right there with the two of you in regards to ending a marriage of 30 years. I have been separated from my husband for 6 months. However, my story is a bit different as it wasn't a surprise to me to see our marriage ending. My husband was a cheater and I finally had the courage to ask him to leave. He cheated on me at least 3 times that I know of. He was more the one night stand kind of cheater, and internet emotional affairs. I am really trying to determine at age 50 how to make changes in my life. I have loss my husband, house is up for sale, loss my sailboat, and financial future. I know that things will get better as time goes on. It's just difficult deciding how to go forward on my own. Cpt. I see you are dating and finding your happiness and I'm happy for you. Myself I can't see getting into a relationship as I need to heal my heart at this point. I started dating my husband when I was 16 so I don't have a clue how to date. What I miss the most is the time we spent on our sailboat. Notaclue I love your prayer that you say every night. Stay positive!


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Well - it is official.. The Ex and I filed our divorce papers. All uncontested, no judge, no hearing.. $500 and done. Wow is all I can say... Thought I would be ok with it, but not so much.. I feel just like the day I heard she wanted the divorce - now it is just so much more final...

So when the ex and I were leaving the courthouse, I was upset, visibly.. so she gives me a hug and then says to me "wish me luck".. I could not believe she would say something like that.. I just let her go and got in my car and left... 13 years of marriage comes to an end and all she can think about still is herself... That is when I truly, truly realized and accepted that this is not the woman I married, and the woman she has become I do not like so much - and that hurts.

I decided to slow things way down with smiles.. she is a cool chick, but she has a very busy life, and I need a friend more now than a girlfriend and she understands.

So now I am getting all new furniture, TV, etc... probably going to move too (I rent down here as I still have a house for sale up north, which I have to split the proceeds with the X on, so that puppy is going up for a fire sale.. I don't care if I lose 70 grand on it... it will be worth it) - probably try to move to a condo on the beach - why not..

NC - I couldn't agree with your prayer more..

Metoo - I am in your boat too - I started dating my wife when I was 16 (I am now 36) and I have no clue about this whole dating thing... Women are complicated (no offense) and I am a simple, nice guy who justs wants to have fun and relax.... From your end, guys are dogs (not me, but for the most part)..... the whole thing is just very foreign to me....
but one thing I realized yesterday.. I am in no rush. I will do things for me from now on, and if I find someone to share that with, so be it...


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well CPT sounds like you beat me to it, I thought my divorce would go through first, but we are still negotiating over assets and the lawyers are getting as much as they can. I know it's hard, but it sounds like you got out with very little financial impact; a year from now you will feel very fortunate. 

I think the same way, I'm a nice simple guy that works hard, provides for my family and saves for a rainy day. For some reason certain women don't respect our type. They would rather be with dangerous exciting men who have no job, no assets and are generally full of S**t slimeballs. I can't understand it and won't try, we just need to make sure next time we find someone who has the same values as we do.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - 

So true brother - I really think that nice guys finish last - but I'm not changing.. I am who I am.

So an update - My X is moving tomorrow and I have to be honest - I am happy about it.. No more worrying about seeing her, blah blah.. Im off facebook so no more seeing that [email protected] 

She is off all my accounts, just have to get her off the title of my boat (which is all mine according to our divorce agreement) and sell my house up north and I am through.. I am moving on - no looking back... I will always care about her, but I do not love the woman she is now - I love my old wife... this person is not my wife and the new person I really don't like all that much... kinda makes it easier for me when I think about it that way... They really are 2 different people.

Going on a date tonight with a new girl (really at our age I should say woman, but oh well) - very cute, we are new friends (met a few weeks ago) but could be fun...

And - I talked to Smiles again today - I don't see our relationship going to far, but man she is SOOOO gorgeous it is hard to not to think about her


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

You move fast Bro... looks like you have some companionship to help ease the pain a little. I know your ex-wife will be in for a rude shock about a year from now when you are in long term relationship with the right woman. She is probably going to get an unpleasant awakening when she finds that she just can't waltz right back in.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC,

Maybe she will - but all I know is that this is her loss, I am a good guy and I have a lot to offer the RIGHT person.. She is not the right person anymore..

As for moving fast... for me, once I was sure it was over, I saw no advantage to trying to drag it out - it would just give her more time to think about getting more $$ from me.. so I figure lets get it done and over with so I can move on... the speed of the divorce was for my sake, and sanity...


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Cpt,

Just finished reading all 18 pages... WOW, I guess my therapist was right - I'm not alone! I feel for you bro!

My situation is much the same - been together 14 years (married for 3.5). She gave me the "I love you but not in love" thing about a month ago. She's been living with her parents for the last 2 weeks - I asked her to leave.

Don't mean to hijack your thread but I'm in the same messed up state of mind you were in... Did you take up the advice on reading any of the books? If so which one would you recommend - I need something constructive to distract me for a little while... "I Love You but I'm Not IN Love with You" by Andrew G. Marshall kinda caught my eye but not sure if its any good.

Thanks!


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

gfc777 said:


> Cpt,
> 
> Just finished reading all 18 pages... WOW, I guess my therapist was right - I'm not alone! I feel for you bro!
> 
> ...



GFC,

I think I read every self help book out there about saving a marriage, midlife crisis, etc.. While they all have good advice, nothing worked for me. My wife and I are now divorced, and I can honestly say that I do not ever see us getting back together.

But - I can also say that I am happier than I have been in a very long time... It took me a very long time to realize that what I missed was the relationship, not so much my wife as a person (I got the opportunity to spend the day with my X-wife a month ago and it became obvious to me that I do not like her much anymore, she is not a good person)...

The best advice I can give you, and I know you don't want to hear this, is:

1. Take care of yourself... go to the gym, get in shape, learn about nutrition on how it effects your mental well being.

2. Go out - with females... or get some good female friends... I have 2 female friends that helped me greatly through some very tough times.. it is invaluable to have an honest female opinion during tough times..

3. Date - as soon as you can.. Meeting other women will soon show you that there are alot of very cool and good looking women out there.. it is alot of fun.

I know these things are the furthest thing from your mind, but these thing will help you move quicker from a very bad state of mind to a more healthier state of mind... Remember - you cannot, no matter how much you want to, control your wifes actions, thoughts, etc.. You can only control you. So do something good for yourself...

It does get better in time (way, way better), even though I know right now it does not seem that way... hang in there bro..

capt.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Het Cpt glad things are going well. I'm starting to see the light also. We are very close to the end, just awaiting the attys and judge to enter it into the record. 

I can honestly say my stb-ex looks pretty bad and I think things are catching up with her. Oh well, I'm looking at this as permanent and don't plan to get back together after what she did. I hope whe fully realizes someday what she did. I'm realizing that there are plenty of fish in the sea that would be happy with me.


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## Sadhubbyandfather (Apr 4, 2010)

Believe me I am going through the same thing as you. I dont know how I will make it I sit and cry everyday, scream to god and beg my wife to come back. We were married for 10 years and have a little girl. She left me about a month ago, moved 2 hours away. I just dont know what to do. Hope it gets easier god I hope so.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sadhubbyandfather said:


> Believe me I am going through the same thing as you. I dont know how I will make it I sit and cry everyday, scream to god and beg my wife to come back. We were married for 10 years and have a little girl. She left me about a month ago, moved 2 hours away. I just dont know what to do. Hope it gets easier god I hope so.


It does get easier - you will have good days and bad days but once you learn to accept the fact that she is gone it gets easier. I am hoping for a new start free from the insanity that my stb ex has put me through. She has taken her best shot and it almost destroyed me, but with counseling and help she wasn't able to. 

Bottom line is that she has no say so in my life anymore and I truly do not care what she has to say or thinks. i think you have to get angry at what she did to reach this point , but eventually you will. 

BTW, I begged also for my W to come back like you and that does not work. It's generally a waste of time to even try as the "leaver" has been plotting for a long time.


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

I am in Africa and boy, same crap happening here as it is there, unbelievable. I am going through the exact same, she will be leaving at the end of this month, to move into her own flat, no talk of Divorce yet etc etc etc, but the crap she is getting up to is unbelievable. She does the oral thing with anyone who cares to stand still for long enough....

So, the bottom line is, from what I can gather, do I just let her go, and move on, becuse she will never be the same again, or hang about for a while....

Someone told me that in the few weeks before she leaves I should try and get as much nookie as I can.... ha ha, I can barely get within a country mile of her...

She said she just wants her freedom etc etc etc .... we have a house in both of our name and she is still prepared to pay for stuff like we are doing now... she says we will just be living in different houses...

Anyway, have a 15yo and a 10yo, and she said to them they can come stay with her on Sun Mon and Tues. The 10yo was happy with this but the 15yo told her he will never F ing want to see her again.... got very disrespectful and this is how it is going.

Should I hang in or let go and tell the 15yo to stop his crap... have NOOOOOOOO idea what to do. I feel counselling stuffed things up more than anything.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Het Cpt glad things are going well. I'm starting to see the light also. We are very close to the end, just awaiting the attys and judge to enter it into the record.
> 
> I can honestly say my stb-ex looks pretty bad and I think things are catching up with her. Oh well, I'm looking at this as permanent and don't plan to get back together after what she did. I hope whe fully realizes someday what she did. I'm realizing that there are plenty of fish in the sea that would be happy with me.


NC - 

Things are going real well... me and the X are on friendly terms, we talk occasionally about mostly asset related stuff (we still own a house together we are trying to sell).. I have to say after all this I am very much a happier person without her.. We were very much different, and now that we have been apart for a while it is much easier to see...

Smiles and I started dating last week - she is a wonderful girl and we have alot in common.. it is very refreshing. I haven't had this much fun in years... and I like to have fun...

Hope everything is getting better w/you... keep in touch...

cpt


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Zulu said:


> I am in Africa and boy, same crap happening here as it is there, unbelievable. I am going through the exact same, she will be leaving at the end of this month, to move into her own flat, no talk of Divorce yet etc etc etc, but the crap she is getting up to is unbelievable. She does the oral thing with anyone who cares to stand still for long enough....
> 
> So, the bottom line is, from what I can gather, do I just let her go, and move on, becuse she will never be the same again, or hang about for a while....
> 
> ...



You have to realize that you cant control her actions.. You have to do what is good for you...


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## TKL (Apr 28, 2010)

I am so sorry to hear about your wife. I sympathize with you. But hear is what I know to be fact. If your wife truly wanted to leave you or could have she would have. Moving into another room in your home while you still support her is not divorce its manipulation. 
She cant afford to leave you or truly dose not want to. If she truly wanted out and with a MD why not get a job and save money then just simply leave? Things that make you say Hmmmm. She is testing the waters of single life. And you may be right about the online stuff. People who spend allot of time online are looking for something.I don't know you. But I know how women think. If she thinks you love her so much she can do what she pleases and you will still support her then she will continue this behavior until you can no longer tolerate it. She is using you because she knows she can (you love her). 
You seem like a nice guy but I don't know you ether or why she is where she is. But I will tell you this for a fact. When most people leave a long term relationship there devastated. They think no one else will want them and feel very insecure. DON'T your a good man with a hart not to many of them left in the world. Your being supportive but the truth is if she wants to fly on her own then make her do it on her own she is crippling you for her own selfish wants and needs.You can not move on or grieve with her still living with you. It is going to make it harder on you in the long run. If you continue on this path it will be that much harder on you. I am not trying to be negative or bad mouth your wife but the fact is this. She wants what she wants and is not considering they affects on you and your mental well being. You can not begin again or to heal under these circumstances. Some one has to go. Then you can begin to heal. Again I am sorry for your loss but don't be taken advantage of you don't deserve that.


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