# Husband says its over.. Its killing me



## survive (Nov 21, 2008)

Hello friends.

My name is lakshmi. I am from India. I want someone to talk to and thought of posting here. Please help me save my marriage. Sorry for the long thread.

I knew my husband for 10 years. We were living together without any commitments for 5 years. We really were very much in love and hes such a caring and sweet person to be with. Eventually my parents started looking alliance for me and finally I told them that I am in love with this person and was living with him. Now when my family and society came to know about it, it was a disaster. In Indian community, when a girl lives with a guy without marriage, shes an outcast. My family were outcasted. They came and spoke to my then boyfriends parents and they did not agree. We are from a lower caste and they are of higher caste. But since my entire community knew about this, they discussed a lot with his parents and finally he agreed. He loves is parents so much too. But he knew it was a mistake in both our parts to lead such a life knowing our society and then it was morally wrong too[I know in other places, there is dating, living together and but in our culture, its one man and one woman and its fate that has brought them together]. So knowing this, he finally agreed. But his Parents did not. Marriage was set immediately and done. He came alone for the marriage. 

Then we came back to USA. He told that since it was very unpleasant what happened, there wont be any physical thing for a while. I agreed as I know it would be hurting to see his parents like that. 4 years went by. We had very good relationship with fights in between, but it was always him giving me assurance that everything will be fine soon. He will tell all the positive things that will happen. This year, beginning, we started our marital life. It was so heavenly. He had hes going to make things better. We moved to a new place. invited my parents to visit for couple of months. During this time, I made a lot of mistakes. Whenever he did something for this relationship, I always expected more and did not appreciate him. Also felt very insecure and started checking upon him. Thinking back now, I messed it up, I actually suffocated him so much. I also started pressuring him for a baby as I was turning 32. He said it will take place.. but I think I pushed him more. Today he said, it needs a break to think how this relationship/marriage will turn out. 

I was so broken. I never wanted this to happen. I waited all these years 10 to have a great start which happened this year and I pushed him so much. I was desperate and begged him that I will correct my mistakes and not make him feel so. He told that it was not me, I might be a nice person, but its that we cannot be together, that will not make both of us happy. Today was his birthday, he said I want some time off to be alone and I agreed. 

I know him. He loves me, may be not as much as he used to. I want to bring that back. I am ready to do whatever it takes. 

Please friends, I am strong believer that impossible is just a word. If we give our entire heart and soul, anything can be done. I want him to understand that and give me a second chance. Please let me know what I should do to not push him further and save this marriage. 

Also will marriage counseling help? Can you please suggest some who understands our Indian culture too.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i'm confused by the title of your thread. when did he say it's "over?" is that what "needs a break" meant to you?


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## survive (Nov 21, 2008)

He said, he does not have that love in him anymore and we need to take some time off to think about this relationship. after that either way we should be ready to move on.

I am thinking, if I say ok, lets separate, he is ready to do that now too. That's the reason for the title. I am sorry for the confusion.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

survive-

On this board, you are going to get a western point of view, and it may be too far away from what you are used too. It seems that your husband was made to feel ashamed of you by his parents - I feel very sad for you.

I can't speak for the USA, but here in the UK, it is very common for the parents of the richer spouse to look down on the poorer half of the family. I know a couple where the mother in law told her son's new wife that she was not good enough for him - that was 40 years ago.

If your hubby does not love you and you have no kids, why not divorce him and start again? That is what we in the west would do. The threat of that might make him wake up and realise what he is missing, but... don;t count on it. I always think it is wrong to wait, and wait and wait. It's the stuff that tragedy in literature is made of.


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## survive (Nov 21, 2008)

Thanks so much for your words, Mark.

Divorce is still an unaccepted thing in India. I being born and brought up there, even though work in US now, kinda have that in me. I know I need to break them off, but I love him so much. I really wanted to have a life with this man who once loved me and made me feel, like no one ever would. 

Also thinking about my older parents and younger brothers. I feel like I will ruin their life and status in the society. They had already gone through a lot for me during the marriage time. 

Oh God, I am just clueless...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

survive-

Even in the west, people let their parents and community rule them. If you have the option - divorce him, AND your whole family. Live your own life, but don't try to go back to your home town in India.

By the way I love India. I am thinking of moving there. I have tan skin, and I would just blend in so well...In fact I even look Indian! I love the Indian sense of humour too.


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