# She wants to know why I don't have a problem with the kids behavior.



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

STBXW and I rotate weekends with the kids right now since we are still living together but in the process of separating. She is off today and at home with all three to herself since it's her weekend and I'm at work but won't be back til Sunday. She sends me these texts a little bit ago (the kids names are the numbers oldest to youngest):

"Why is it with you the kids are calm but with me they decide to be jerks with each other?"

"3 acts up more, 1 tries to be mom, 2 is the only one that is good. 3 and 1 are handfuls with me! I don't get it!"

"3 gets out of his carseat more with me than with you...why??? I spank him punish him but nothing works!!"

My responses:

"I display confidence, I don't cave and I follow through on what I tell them I'm going to do. Those are things you need to work on."

"When 3 gets out of his carseat you should tap your brakes and send him to the floor. The reason he does it is because you let him do it. He unbuckles and flees for the back seat and you just give him empty threats and just tell him he has to buckle in when he gets back there. Consistency is the key. If you let him do it once, but spank him the next time then go back to letting him do it then he doesn't get that there's a boundary"

Then she goes on to ask me to explain the confidence thing and at this point is wanting to know how many times I actually have had to pull over. Honestly I only remember needing to stop and pop his butt twice. Maybe once or twice I've had to stop and just turn around in my seat and give him "the look" and have the sibling next to him click it back.


I hate having to teach someone who is supposed to be so smart on the right way to raise kids how to actually raise kids so they mind you and are respectful.

Just got another text...She can't get the eleven year old to go take a shower so they can go skating.....really? Your 36, she's 11. Turn off whatever tv she is watching, take away whatever video game she is playing, get the paddle and march her prissy little rear end into the bathroom. How hard does this have to be?

Man, it's like I've got 4 kids.....

several text later here it is....."I can't do this...I'm very tired". 
Just trying to ruin my weekend. Here's what I sent back "No, I'm not canceling my weekend because the kids are being kids. If you can't handle situations like this then I'll have to reconsider my position on custody. I'm supposed to be able to trust you can handle your own kids."

It's gonna get worse as the day goes on and before I leave work for my sisters house...I can feel it....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm so sorry, Otter, but after what you've shared with us about her, this just made me laugh hysterically.

(Not at you, obviously.)


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lamaga said:


> I'm so sorry, Otter, but after what you've shared with us about her, this just made me laugh hysterically.
> 
> (Not at you, obviously.)


It is frustrating but yea, I still manage to find the humor in it.

Still texting me. The greatest thing so far about TAM is that you guys have been objective enough to help me realize how passive aggressive she really is. Once I'm able to step out of that and look at her for what she is then it's so much easier to see where I'm going wrong. Right now she's turning to trying to gaslight me about leaving for the weekend (which is something we have been doing for several months now on rotation). I told her she just isn't making me feel real good about her being a full time parent if she cant' even get her daughter to take a shower without blowing up. She doesn't see the weekends as her time to spend with the kids. She's looking at it like I'm dumping the kids on her and running away for a fun filled time alone and leaving her stranded. That's just how her mind works. Wants me to pity her rather than force her to be a parent.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You're not going to be able to "force" her to do anything.

Enforce the boundary - but stay calm.

You know what she is.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

yeah, she gave up on it when I sent the last text flat out saying "no, i'm not cancelling my weekend because your a little tired". Small victory....feels like a win.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I hear ya man! I used to be asked to come home ALL THE DAMN TIME because she was a SAHM who was 'tired' and had 'headaches' .. well guess what, history has been rewritten and one of her biggest reasons for leaving me was because I "always found ways to not be at work".

Amazing how she remembers the times I was off due to my back .. but never once accepted her role in begging me to stay home. Man, I'd be up at 530 am, go make my lunch in the kitchen .. cook up an egg white omelet and right before I'm out the door she's at the top of the stairs saying "so and so just got up.. its so early, I don't know if I can do this".

Sometimes I would be half way to work and she would text me asking me to come home .. or even 30 minutes into work, texts and asks me to come home, if I said no, begging ensues .. I was the bad guy.

'Kids never listen to me', 'I'm just a big joke' etc etc yada yada. Yet .. when I DISCIPLINE them with a stern spank, or yell at them because they aren't listening .. I'm being a 'bad parent'.

Are my kids angels?? No, what kid is... but there is a limit and once they reach it I have no problem putting my foot in there arse (no, I don't actually kick or smack my children lol).

What does all this do for me when it comes to solo parenting? One time we were waiting at the pharmacy because I needed to get some meds .. the kids were acting horrible, so I snapped my fingers, told them to look at me and then pointed to either side of the hallway where they were to stand and be quiet.

They saw that I meant business and the old lady behind me just started laughing at the situation, said something like "now that's what I miss seeing, they know when dad means business."

At the end of the day, both my kids still know they can come to me and talk to me when they have problems. I still open up lines of communication when I see they are frustrated and every night after I tuck them into bed they yell "I love you dad".

I'm still waiting to see how my stbxw will manage the kids for her 2 week rotation once she actually moves out of her parents house. No one there to cook supper for her and the kids, or to watch them so she can have a breather.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

yep.....Sounds just like what I've been dealing with for 13 years. It's amazing how just a few weekends away and a modicum of time alone to think has opened my eyes.

I'm going to keep a personal calendar to write down all the days I get a call at 4:50 in the afternoon telling me how horrible she feels and can I please just keep them for the night.....

I've had my fair share of "please come home I feel awful...." The one that used to piss me off the most is to be on the one hour drive home with 2/3 of my kids in the car at 5:45 knowing she's been home alone since 2 being asked "what are YOU doing for dinner?"


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Otter,

The victories start small, but they gather momentum.

Congrats.

You KNEW what this was.


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