# No contact letter?



## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

My husband has been conducting an emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend. It finished about 3 months ago (he finally decided he wanted to stay married to me), but they've talked 3-4 times since then. I found out about a week ago. Three months ago, he told her "don't call me unless it's an emergency." One time she texted and email and facebook messaged him that one of their old teachers had died, and she was going to the funeral, and asked him if he was going (he said no, twice). Another time, her boyfriend cheated on her and left her (ha, ha) and he and another friend went up and comforted her. He said she was putting out some "get back together signals." Then, she called a few days later to thank him for helping her out while we were in the car together, so he put it on speakerphone without my asking. She definitely sounded like she was getting sentimental about him, but nothing inappropriate. Last week, she texted something about some plants blooming at her house. He didn't respond. Monday, she called and left a message saying she was passing the road to his old house and she was thinking of him. He didn't call back.

Since I found out, I blocked her on facebook and I've changed his passwords, still haven't given him access to his accounts and phone yet, but I let him use them when I'm next to him. I'm still letting go. Things we've read advocate sending a no-contact letter rather than using a phone call. Since they only had sporadic contact (he'd call her up and complain about me if we were fighting, but not talking on a daily or even weekly basis), is it okay to just ghost her? Or wait til the next time she gets in contact and he'll tell her he doesn't want to talk to her anymore? Can it be a phone call instead? I kind of want to see what she has to say, even if he's only saying not to contact him. What should a no-contact letter say? I'm in no rush to send anything, because it's still really fresh with me, and I want to make sure it's done right and thoroughly.

I have an email I want to send her, but I don't want it to be like the ones I've seen online. They're not coming from a place of strength, it's more like a place of fear and insecurity. A "leave my family alone" letter seems desperate and fearful, but I feel (kinda) strong because in this case, I have the moral high ground, and I'm not desperate to keep my husband, but I'd be very pleased if he grew up and committed to our marriage. I feel like I need to have my say- I have with my husband already. Is this ever a good idea?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

rileyawes said:


> My husband has been conducting an emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend. It finished about 3 months ago *(he finally decided he wanted to stay married to me), but they've talked 3-4 times since then.* I found out about a week ago. Three months ago, he told her "[/B]don't call me unless it's an emergency."[/B] One time she texted and email and facebook messaged him that one of their old teachers had died, and she was going to the funeral, and asked him if he was going (he said no, twice). Another time, her boyfriend cheated on her and left her (ha, ha) and he and another friend went up and comforted her. He said she was putting out some "get back together signals." Then, she called a few days later to thank him for helping her out while we were in the car together, so he put it on speakerphone without my asking. She definitely sounded like she was getting sentimental about him, but nothing inappropriate. Last week, she texted something about some plants blooming at her house. He didn't respond. Monday, she called and left a message saying she was passing the road to his old house and she was thinking of him. He didn't call back.
> 
> Since I found out, *I blocked her on facebook and I've changed his passwords, still haven't given him access to his accounts and phone yet, but I let him use them when I'm next to him. *I'm still letting go. *Things we've read advocate sending a no-contact letter rather than using a phone call.* Since they only had sporadic contact (he'd call her up and complain about me if we were fighting, but not talking on a daily or even weekly basis), is it okay to just ghost her? Or wait til the next time she gets in contact and he'll tell her he doesn't want to talk to her anymore? Can it be a phone call instead? I kind of want to see what she has to say, even if he's only saying not to contact him. What should a no-contact letter say? I'm in no rush to send anything, because it's still really fresh with me, and I want to make sure it's done right and thoroughly.
> 
> I have an email I want to send her, but I don't want it to be like the ones I've seen online. They're not coming from a place of strength, it's more like a place of fear and insecurity. A "leave my family alone" letter seems desperate and fearful, but I feel (kinda) strong because in this case, I have the moral high ground, and *I'm not desperate to keep my husband, *but I'd be very pleased if he grew up and committed to our marriage. I feel like I need to have my say- I have with my husband already. Is this ever a good idea?




So your H "finally decided he wanted to stay married to you"...And you just accepted this and he seems to have done nothing to show you his remorse, including properly initiating NC himself? 

When you were reading about "no contact" letters did you catch the part where they must be written by the wayward spouse? Your H should be doing the heavy lifting here, because right now it does seem like you are desperate to keep your husband. You have accepted his crap behavior and affair and now you are trying to find a way to end his affair properly. 

He needs to commit to no contact and you need to decide on the consequence of him breaking it.

I almost never recommend the marriage builders forums, but it sounds like you should do some reading there.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just want to put this out there real quick --

Your husband should be the one sending the NC letter, and if you're the one having to do it, you need to take a few steps back and ask yourself if continuing in your marriage is the correct course of action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@rileyawes I did the EA thing and even I am appalled at your H's behavior. The NC letter only works if H enforces it and follows it. You cannot control what the OW does but he and you can control what happens on your end.

He should already have her blocked on all devices so that he cannot be see if they sent a text or email. I tried the "I just won't respond" thing. It does not work.

" Another time, her boyfriend cheated on her and left her (ha, ha) and he and another friend went up and comforted her. " That is way, Way, WAY more breaking no contact than a "talk". To rush over there to console her when she is now available? WTF? 

Some of the better posters will come here with a suggested letter. If not, I will send you one tomorrow. 

Listen and accept what @kristin2349 just posted. She really knows her stuff. You are allowing this to happen without consequences and you are mistaken if you think the formal NC letter is going to solve your problem. 

I am sorry you are here. You deserve better than what you have.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

"She definitely sounded like she was getting sentimental about him, but nothing inappropriate. Last week, she texted something about some plants blooming at her house. He didn't respond. Monday, she called and left a message saying she was passing the road to his old house and she was thinking of him. He didn't call back."

Being sentimental about IS inappropriate when she contacts him to let him know she is. 

And yes, what everyone else said - your h should be writing the NC letter. It's not the letter that does the job; it is the resolve of your h to recommit to your marriage and have nothing more to do with the OW. The letter won't make her stay away if he's still sending feelers or responding to them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Rea: No contact letter?*

The cheater sends the no contact letter -- not the spouse (that looks weak). And it needs to be a strong "stay out of my life" type letter. 

Don't be surprised if she just ignores it and keeps fishing. Some of them do that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That "not inappropriate" call?

Guess what? It WAS inappropriate.

He shouldn't have put it on speakerphone he should have terminated it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

If he put it on speakerphone and he was fishing for a response from you, chances are good he's doing something not unlike my h did. My h pretended, or may have at times intended, to share with me his struggle with the OW so that somehow I could help him or find the magic solution to his problems. I am fully convinced, however, that at other times he did it so that I would get fed up and throw him to the curb and make his decision for him, since he couldn't seem to decide to stop cake eating on his own.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Is your husband involved with my husbands ex gf? 

My husband has told her not to contact him. To my knowledge she hasn't. I am fully prepared to step in next time if she does. But it probably won't be with words this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

What do you think he would do if you were the one that had the AF and was still talking to the other man? He would be losing his mind that is what would happen. The affair is like a drug to him, so how many times does a drug attack get to shoot up in a week? None. This won't change until you make it stop, he won't stop it because he does not want it to stop. He needs to send no contact letter that you see and approve, then he needs to block her phone number. He needs to delete all social media, until he learns how to do it like a responsible adult. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, but not until the offending party understands what they have done wrong and are contrite. I highly recommend counseling to help get this ship back on course.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Hun, letters and who or how they get sent is not at all relevant if at least one of them is unwilling to abide by it. Your H stating that she cannot contact him "Unless it's an emergency" clearly shouts at you he's not done with her yet. Emergency or no, she needs to look elsewhere to get her needs met.

I'd personally cut the chase out here, and sit down with him and really explore with him what he's doing, why, and how you feel about it, as well as your expectations. How he accomplishes that can be his choice, but he needs to understand what it is your expect from him in this marriage.

Over is over, done is done, no contact means no contact...all absolute and not negotiable. Your issue here is with him, not her, and not some meaningless "Letter".


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Sorry, I wasn't clear. He actually has written a no-contact letter, but I didn't like it, so he didn't send it. You all are saying that he should write the letter and research what to say, and I should approve it as long as it doesn't hint to future contact or leave any doors open? It's not okay for me to suggest re-writes as long as the bottom line is "it's over, don't contact me again"?

His says, in part: "I have been married since [date]. Before my marriage with my wife and up until recently, you and I were involved in an emotional affair. I was going behind my wife's back, hiding the conversation you and I were having, as well as lying to her about spending time alone with you, because I told her "we were never alone." I admit that what we did was wrong and I take full responsibility for my disloyal behavior. I a deeply care about my marriage and fully intend to be 100% faithful from now on. Out of respect for my wife and our marriage together, I will not be contacting you in any way permanently, and you will do the same. Do not contact me or us again. -[Husband]

I haven't dissected it with him yet, I was just like "no, I don't like it." He put the date in because he didn't tell her we were engaged, and told her that we got married sometime 1-3 months later. I don't like that he never mentions me by name. I don't like the tone of it. Is it okay, though? Should I tell him to send it?

Separately, I wanted to send her an email myself, from me, saying, among other things, "I understand that in your long-standing friendship to [Husband] you’ve leaned on each other more than is appropriate. While we were going through a tough time last year, he misguidedly thought he should keep you as an option in case he and I divorced. However, everything is out in the open now, and in a healthy, transparent place with good boundaries. I know you’ve had some tough times lately, but I feel that once you truly let [my husband] go, you can find a good man who is not in a relationship and treat him with respect." Is that unnecessary? Will it provide the closure I think it will?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

He's giving her too much information. So what if he was in a relationship with her and then married you while continuing the relationship. All he needs to say he is committed to the success of his marriage and his relationship with you . . . The last part of the letter works, the first part, not so much. He's explaining himself, which means he's trying to let her down gently. He may feel responsible for leading her on and marrying you while still involved with her, but he needs to stop showing concern (that she can pick up on by reading between the lines of his "explanation") for how SHE'S going to feel because HE wants to end their relationship. She needs to accept it and move on.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Oh, my....:surprise:

Hun, the letter to her isn't the important thing..let go of it... it's his commitment to YOU, he needs to make that clear to you. What he says or writes or what you approve of or don't is really irrelevant, it's not about her, you're focusing on the wrong person here. It's about him.

Let him know if he has ANY contact with her for ANY reason whatsoever, you will throw him out.

And maybe have him write YOU a letter discussing why he values you and your marriage more than some ex .

Really, the letter is irrelevant. More psychobabble.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

This is a NC letter, not the sentimental story your husband wrote:

"do not contact me again. This includes contact, either directly or indirectly, in any way, including but not limited to, by telephone, mail, e-mail
or other electronic means.
Also do not harass, attack, strike, threaten, assault (sexually or otherwise), hit, follow, stalk, molest, destroy personal property, disturb the peace, keep under surveillance, impersonate (on the Internet, electronically or other- wise), or block movements."

Polite, concise, and void of feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

rileyawes said:


> Sorry, I wasn't clear. He actually has written a no-contact letter, but I didn't like it, so he didn't send it. You all are saying that he should write the letter and research what to say, and I should approve it as long as it doesn't hint to future contact or leave any doors open? It's not okay for me to suggest re-writes as long as the bottom line is "it's over, don't contact me again"?
> 
> His says, in part: "I have been married since [date]. Before my marriage with my wife and up until recently, you and I were involved in an emotional affair. I was going behind my wife's back, hiding the conversation you and I were having, as well as lying to her about spending time alone with you, because I told her "we were never alone." I admit that what we did was wrong and I take full responsibility for my disloyal behavior. I a deeply care about my marriage and fully intend to be 100% faithful from now on. Out of respect for my wife and our marriage together, I will not be contacting you in any way permanently, and you will do the same. Do not contact me or us again. -[Husband]


Good evening, 

I feel like the letter is more of an apology for hurting you then your husband expressing his commitment to you as his wife. 

And though, I can tell you love your husband, I feel it is his responsibility to have that common sense to block her number or even change his cell phone number. Delete his old email accounts and make new ones. I am wondering that if he's just keeping the sense of the other woman around because of a thrill he gets that you are fighting for him and him feeling like he's worth that fight. 

I think there needs to be a different strategy at hand. And if possible, I would suggest at least a get away weekend for the two of you...even if it means spending the weekend at a far away hotel so you two can enjoy each other without any type of media contact (cell phones, emails, facebook messenger, etc.)


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Your husband is still in love with her. It's impossible for those connected emotionally in that way to disconnect unless completely cut off. It will only take one message for it to be on again. He wanted to hear her voice so badly he let you listen to the message on speaker. Unless you address the issues in your marriage this will go behind your back completely. You have bigger problems than a no contact letter.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

btterflykisses said:


> Your husband is still in love with her. It's impossible for those connected emotionally in that way to disconnect unless completely cut off. It will only take one message for it to be on again. He wanted to hear her voice so badly he let you listen to the message on speaker. Unless you address the issues in your marriage this will go behind your back completely. You have bigger problems than a no contact letter.


This, this, this, this, this!!!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

btterflykisses said:


> Your husband is still in love with her. It's impossible for those connected emotionally in that way to disconnect unless completely cut off. It will only take one message for it to be on again. He wanted to hear her voice so badly he let you listen to the message on speaker. Unless you address the issues in your marriage this will go behind your back completely. You have bigger problems than a no contact letter.



ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Other Woman is his drug and it is a very powerful drug. If you are an alcoholic, you do not keep vodka around for emergencies.

*The No Contact letter is VERY important. *It is the first step for him to end the affair. The exact wording is less important than the fact that it needs to be written and sent TODAY.

I did not send a NC letter. For two months poster after poster told me to send it, and I continually came up with an excuse why I could not. I took and still am taking the very hard route to get over the OW. 

Last night I went a bar where I knew the OW would be. I took my wife with me. I did engage OW in some talk. She does not have the same hold over me she once did, but there is still some.

So today as I type this, I am thinking about OW. It will pass. Unfortunately I will see her yet again at a 4th of July party. My point is this --*"It's impossible for those connected emotionally in that way to disconnect unless completely cut off. It will only take one message for it to be on again. "* I did text OW this morning and am fighting a desire to text her again today. I will not text her, but I do not have her blocked either so if she texts me I will text her back. Very very wrong. 

*DO NOT do what I did. * Make sure the letter goes out and make sure he blocks all access to her and that the access STAYS blocked. (I blocked and unblocked mine way too many times.)


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There should be no more contact at all...period. This is absolutely silly. She's an ex gf, and he should block her phone number, and block her on facebook and any other avenue. He's married...and she knows he's married. He needs to just stop all contact, and that's it. A 'leave me alone' letter is not necessary, if she has no way of contacting him.

I don't think your husband is ready to let go. But, that's what he should be doing, and then the contact will naturally stop. Because she won't have any means to get a hold of him, except through his work number. And then, if he takes her call, you'll never know about it. 

At that point, you have to trust him to do the right thing. But, going no contact means blocking the person every which way you can, no need to write a letter. Your husband encouraged her behavior, she's not a stalker...he encouraged it, and I can't help but think that he's not entirely invested in the marriage, to be honest.

I feel for you, OP. I'd not stay with the dude, but ...it's your decision, ultimately.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

btterflykisses said:


> Your husband is still in love with her. It's impossible for those connected emotionally in that way to disconnect unless completely cut off. It will only take one message for it to be on again. He wanted to hear her voice so badly he let you listen to the message on speaker. Unless you address the issues in your marriage this will go behind your back completely. You have bigger problems than a no contact letter.


This x 1000

And don't think OP, that your marriage is the cause, or that you are the cause. A lot of betrayed spouses/partners feel this way, but he could just be a narcissist, and likes to have his main woman (you) and another one dangling in the wings (her) ...that's very typical for narcissists. You deserve better.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

rileyawes said:


> Another time, her boyfriend cheated on her and left her (ha, ha) and *he and another friend went up and comforted her. He said she was putting out some "get back together signals."* Then, she called a few days later to thank him for helping her out while we were in the car together,


riley,

Whoaaa... exGF, she wants him, your H is still emotionally attached, and HE is going over to her house to "comfort her". Wake up! This has long since past from EA to P. Do you really believe he hasn't been with her alone before? IMO, slim chance.

You H is playing you. He is putting all the "blame" on the her. It's the old "crazy" girlfriend routine. He's got *you* focused on her and this NO CONTACT... that's 100% on him. You should be focused on the TRUTH.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> The Other Woman is his drug and it is a very powerful drug. If you are an alcoholic, you do not keep vodka around for emergencies.
> 
> ...


You already know that you broke no contact @blueinbr: last night by going to a bar you knew she frequented and by texting her. You need to write a NC letter telling her how you have felt about her, how wrong you have been by the way you have behaved, and that you will be having no contact with her from now on. I hope she gets upset about being the object of your affection/EA and thus makes it easier for you to get unaddicted to her. You also need to tell your wife how you have been behaving, even though she is sick. Without your wife knowing, and without an official NC letter, you seem to not be able to break it off completely. You also need to block OW's phone number.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

I'm afraid my husband is a different beast entirely. I don't think he's in love with her. Even in emails from the time they were "dating", he repeatedly told her she was getting too serious, and he considered them just friends, he loved her but was not in love with her. When they were geographically separated they pursued other sexual partners. There was no "break up." He went on a trip for several months and was sleeping with someone else there. When he got back she was committed to another man. He felt like she was still in love with him (and I'm pretty sure her boyfriend did, too) and THAT'S what he likes about her. 

When he said they would never be partners and have children like she wanted and that they were just friends for the third or fourth time, she replied something like "I thought we were partners, I'll stop being so serious, I just want you in my life, I won't push for anything more." So what he liked about her- mindless devotion, regular sex for three years, was what he didn't like about her- clinginess and lack of self-respect. In high school she was weird and had few friends and he was nice to her. When they ran into each other a few years later, she was thrilled he wanted to have sex with her and hang out with her. She was grateful. He said that the whole time she was like his personal servant, but also she was there for him before and after his mom died. This was, I guess ages 21-24.
Even if he changes all his information, he still has hers. They've known each other 10 years, since high school. He's got her number and email memorized.

I locked him out of his accounts as soon as I went through them and found out how much they'd been talking and what about. He was at work and didn't notice until after I told him when I confronted him. The emails and facebook messages gave a framework and he filled the rest in when I questioned him. 

In a way, the fact that he isn't in love with her is good. In other ways, it isn't, because I now feel like he needs an endless supply of flattery and ego-stroking and I'm not prepared to give that, even if he did deserve it, and I never was (hence the problem).
He wrote a better no-contact letter. I axed the first two paragraphs and I like that last, so he can send that. I'M the one that doesn't feel ready to send it. I know it won't do any good to insult her, but she (and he) are the type of person to pull the "I didn't know, I was just trying to be a good friend" play-the-victim type thing, and I guess I don't want to let her off the hook. I'll get over it and make sure he sends the no-contact letter soon. Husband has definitely acknowledged that what he did was wrong, that he lied and hid it. We have talked about why. He hasn't admitted to a PA, but he's willing to take (and pay for) a polygraph.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I will tread carefully without projecting myself into this. So here goes...

You said in post #1 that it was an emotional affair, but now you are saying he does not love her, he just loves the attention? IDK. He runs over to console her after she gets dumped. What married guy does that?? Not one that wants to STAY married. Do you think she knew he would run over there and she was manipulating him?

You can and should write the letter without blaming her or him, just that contact needs to stop so that H can focus on his marriage. Plain and simple. In fact, if you are right and that SHE is the one chasing him, then this makes the letter all that more important. (In my case, the OW did nothing blatantly wrong, it was all me. I did the hiding and lying by omissions. She was surprised when I told her what I did. She also said she didn't know and I believe her. But she did like my attention and knew I had a crush on her but she continued contacting me.)

I too would say I'm willing to take (and pay for) a polygraph knowing probably W would not go through with it and that my stated willingness to take the test would be sufficient for her to know I am telling the truth. He may have called your bluff. Can you tell when your H is lying, meaning his change in body language, speech, eye contact? You may want to consider going through with the poly, just so that you will not have thoughts of this over the upcoming years. If you need certainty for closer, get it now. Doing it now also sends the message that you certainly would be willing for force another poly in the future, if he wants to stay married. 

You are 1-2 years into your marriage. IMO this woman remains a direct threat to your marriage, if for no other reason your newlywed husband is diverting emotion energy to her that should be directed fully towards you. Again, this is JMHO. I do not mean a physical threat or she is actively trying to steal him, her simple presence and existence makes her a threat so she needs to be removed. It stinks for all parties, but now that he is married to you it needs to be that way.

BTW, there are many threads and posts here at TAM that say EXs should be cut out of your life. Why is he still "allowed" to talk to his ex? TAM is littered with threads of affairs telling how the husband reconnected with an ex GF.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

The NC letter was written and sent! To address a couple of things:

-I'm okay with being friends with exes, but after this, I know it has to be carefully monitored. It's not like I had NO misgivings or feelings of discomfort before. I trusted that he was honest, and wouldn't cheat, and took for granted that he knew what to do and what not to do. Through reading, I know realize that that isn't enough for most people to stay on the right path.

The one time an ex of mine came into town, we went to a restaurant/bar and chatted, and my husband (then-boyfriend) came by an hour later to meet the ex and get to know him a little, and hang out with us. I have an ex that isn't in close distance that I've texted to off and on. I only text things that I'd be fine with my husband reading. I don't lead my ex on. We haven't talked in a while because I thought he was seeming hopeful and reminded him that I was with my husband and not going anywhere. I have good boundaries (having made this mistake when I was younger), and my husband simply does not. I do not trust him to be friends with exes for now.

-At one part in our (yes, short) marriage, we weren't getting along and not having sex. To husband, the biggest issue was that he wasn't having sex. He complained to this OW about it, and she said "what's wrong with her? Why wouldn't she have sex with you? You're so sexy and such a great lover," etc etc. Obviously both of them crossed a line there. Whether or not they had sex (and yes, we will get the polygraph since blueinbr made such a good case for it), in my opinion the appeal of each other is illustrated there. He was going behind my back with her not because he loved her, but because he knew he had an easy back-up plan and didn't have to be alone if things didn't work out between us. She told him everything he wanted to hear because she's still in love with him and he was giving her a one-sided pity story. He felt like he wasn't desirable sexually, and wanted to feel that, when in reality he wasn't desirable emotionally because he wasn't fully committed to the marriage and wasn't interested in fostering non-sexual intimacy. He was selfish but wanted to be told he was a victim. 

For her, and not to brag, my husband is sexy. She is not. She wanted to feel like a sexy, attractive man was into her. She wanted to feel like she wasn't ugly and awkward. She wanted to feel like, though he'd said he didn't want to be with her long term and have a family like she wanted, maybe he was coming around and changing his mind. Maybe she could get him after all. So that's why I don't think he's in love with her. Yes, what he did was still wrong. Yes, what she did was still wrong. Yes, he was worse than she was. It was two low self-esteem people propping each other up. I think his low self-esteem and need for flattery and ego stroking are the real threats to the marriage, not that one woman.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

rileyawes said:


> ...yes, we will get the polygraph...


I've never understood the misplaced faith people put into them. Polys are merely an investigative tool and nothing more. The skills and conclusions of polygraphers vary widely and are enigmatic and suspect. They can be useful when properly administered and results corroborated. 

A person's choice to do this is none of my business but, respectfully, in most cases people here would be just as well served consulting the Magic Eightball. 😬

That's all I've got. Good luck and best wishes.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Haiku said:


> I've never understood the misplaced faith people put into them. Polys are merely an investigative tool and nothing more. The skills and conclusions of polygraphers vary widely and are enigmatic and suspect. They can be useful when properly administered and results corroborated.
> 
> A person's choice to do this is none of my business but, respectfully, in most cases people here would be just as well served consulting the Magic Eightball. 😬
> 
> That's all I've got. Good luck and best wishes.


Don't forget the fabled parking lot confession. When he learns she is actually going through with it, he might change his tune. 

Yes, she will have to do the research to get a qualified tester. And him seeing that might change his tune.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Got a qualified tester with a lot of experience. No parking lot confession, and before I let him see the results I gave him another chance to come clean. Polygraph seemed to indicate that he had not had sexual contact with anyone other than me since we've been together. The guy was courteous and professional, really walked us through the process, and took his time. I only wanted that one question asked, but he also took readings on "are you being totally honest with [me]" and whether he was hiding anything else, other than what he'd already told me happened. He was all good. I believe the results, and I'm not worried about it. Did get STI-tested before the poly anyway, and will get the results next week, just in case.


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