# Buy Mother's Day card?



## Ryo (Mar 28, 2013)

Going through a divorce right now (she left to be single and has PosOM) but I have joint custody of my son who is 4. He does not understand Mother's Day at all due to his speach delayed. Should I buy a Mother's Day card from him to my wife? And if I should, should I get one from step-daughter to wife (she is 9 and there's no one else to help her get her mom a card, I don't see her but I do see her babysitter so can get the card to her)
Not sure where these things fall in the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Ryo

Welcome, brother. 

I would get the cards, have the kids sign them, as best they can. Even if your wife doesn't deserve them, the kids should know how important it is to honor their mother. 

BW.


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## Ryo (Mar 28, 2013)

Thanks bullwinkle I will do that. I've been on the fence on this for a few days. My 4 year old wont know the difference but my step daughter will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Mothers day here is in March. I made sure the kids were able to do it the same as if we were together. I pid for the card and small gift but I just thought of it as giving the kids pocket money to do it.

It didn't feel like a chore so I did it. Likewise for me birthday, i didnt get anything from her, but got a nice card and a t shirt form them. I know she paid for them, hell she my even have chosen the top for them but they were from the boys not her.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

It all depends, are you doing this for your kids or for your wife? Like are you hoping a loving gesture like this will soften her heart towards you, or this more of the "right thing to do" to have the kids show their mom they love her?

Either way I say YES.... But, buying cards off the shelf may send the wrong message if she's still looking for reasons to favor the POSOM and hate you. She may think you're trying to buy her affection, because a 4yo and a 9yo can't buy the card themselves. 

So in that case, I think it would be a very wise decision to buy some colored construction paper and some crayons and have them make cards themselves. They will have more fun making something for Mommy, and it's going to mean more coming from them that it would from Hallmark. 

BTW, if you wanted to reconcile further down the road.... when POSOM is out of the picture, you're on the right track. By pulling away from her directly, but still trying to be there for your kids and not going out of your way to forget any special holidays, birthdays, or events. You're setting yourself apart many of the losers out there who wouldn't be doing this for her if she was divorcing them. You'll just have to remember that when she wants nothing to do with you, you want nothing to do with her.... Don't reward rejection and negative behavior with affection and chasing.


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## Ryo (Mar 28, 2013)

Good idea on the making the cards, thats an option for the 4 year old but not for the 9 year old step-daughter who I do not get to see. I think I will get a card for her to give to mom, because I know no one else is going to take her to buy one. I can leave the card for her with her babysitter with instructions to pass it along, so she can give her mom a card, and just not mention where it came from.
I am on the fence on if I am after reconciliation or not. She has to own up to her problems, which the divorce is her way of running from. I told her I was considering leaving if we don't get help. She ran off within 3 weeks, and it turns out she had PosOMx2 going on as EAs. 
For now its all about me and the kids. I dont care what she thinks.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Ok, then definitely cut the cord on your marriage and follow through with with divorce as unwavering as possible. The reason I'm telling you to do this and not hold out home, is you want to force her into a decision so she can't sit on the fence and cake eat forever. You actually want her to freak out and see what she's giving up for an affair she thought would be better, which will happen sometime between now and divorce... That's when she'll start being extra nice and trying to pull the "lets stay friends" routine on you. Don't fall for it, you need to be the bad guy, sapuy "no way", not back down in the presence of tears, and hold your boundaries. 

Listen man, the thing about cheaters is they're never happy. What you want is for her to be just as unhappy with POSOM as she was with you, but have her blame the POSOM for making her unhappy. You don't have to do anything but stay out of her way and live your life happily without her.... You'll still be there for the children in all, which will drive any man she's with insane btw. You're just going to have to grieve the loss of this relationship when you're alone, fake being alright around your kids, and not show her anything but indifference about the divorce and happiness to be on your own. Oh and I promise you if you act happy to be single and can't wait to be divorced, she will flip the f*ck out on you and try to bring you down to her lever. Just something I learned from my divorce.... Try not to be a d!ck and use the phrase "I'm finally happy and free" around her. I'm not proud, but I did and it was cruel


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## Ryo (Mar 28, 2013)

I filed at the court house less than a week after she moved out. She threatened to leave state to her moms if i didn't start paying support so I filled on her asap. Shes been putting on her poker face around me and acting like its great but the dramatic loss in weight at an unhealthy speed says otherwise. I honestly miss her but I have in the last month and a half, through reading on TAM, realized that shes her own worst enemy and thus mine as well.
Hurts a lot but what you going to do? If she changes her mind and wants to come back it will be on my terms, I'm done being a doormat. Just gotta find that line between not a doormat and ahole... I have a tendency to be one or the other and never in between. And thats where the card question came in I wasnt sure which way to go, now I can move forward with the weekend with a plan.
thanks for the help guys.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Sounds like you've right plan for yourself and don't need much of any help. You nailed it! She can come back to you, but only on your terms if she's ready to commit and seek treatment.... There won't be any slack for empty promises and "I love you"s when POSOM leaves her. 

Do you know anything about major depression? It's always preceded by changes in appetite, and if it's really bad it's followed by lots of weight gain or weight loss. So yeah, she's depressed!

And it's a good thing you filed because now you hold the power in court and can't be surprised with anything. You may need to save you receipts for child support and such, but beyond that I don't think you have much to worry about. I mean you're not fighting with her so there's no need for her to get vengeful. 

The only thing I really want to warn you about, because it's so important and overlooked is that she may be receptive and friendly with you one day, maybe genuinely sorry and ready to work with you today, but she's going to go back to hating you the next day. Don't take it to heart, it's more to do with her not wanting to face responsibilities for her actions and open her vulnerabilities up to you. Just try to sympathize with her a little, but let her experience her emotions on her own without fixing her problems. And when she wants to being a major b!tch, let her yell at your voice messages and don't give her any attention for anything until she decides to behave and treat you kindly again. If you absolutely have to avoid her because you're having a bad day, there's no shame in that. She will respect you more for not being there for her every single time she wants you to talk to her.


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## Ryo (Mar 28, 2013)

I didn't nail it, I just read enough on these forums in the last month to just copy the advise given out. ReGroups thread has been a true inspiration for me, read almost all of it this week (i read slow) Before I found TAM i was making all the mistakes LOL now I just make it a point to drop in here and read a few times a day for strength, and so I make less mistakes =)

As far as having sympathy for her, I truly do feel bad for her. I understand that she is making a mistake and am willing to forgive once that is deserved. But, I am not holding my breath. I was going insane trying to figure out how to get her back and it was only making things worse. Have a new attitude thanks to TAM. I have successfully put my foot down on more issues in the last month than in probably the last 2 years prior and it feels great!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You may like this site.
AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.


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## Ryo (Mar 28, 2013)

holy sh!t that was written for me... I havnt even read the whole thing but its dead on... I will finish reading it in the morning as I have to get up early enough to run some errands and pick my son up from school (in 7 hours)

Thank you for linking that is describes me... and her so well its scary. I'll post back tomorrow once I'm done reading it.

adding my replies to this to my messy thread here


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