# Death of My Husband



## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

My husband died a few weeks ago on our 20th anniversary after suffering a stroke at age 53. This has been unbelievably painful. 

He had always told me that if something ever happened to him, he wanted me to take his personal information off his work computer and transfer it to an external hard drive and then erase it from his work computer. He was an executive so he was able to use his work computer pretty much any way he wanted. 

In doing so, I found information that he had been cheating on me for the last few months of his life with "high class" prostitutes - if there is such a thing. He did this over a period of about six weeks before he died. 

I'm having enough trouble coping with his death without adding in this final insult that he did the one thing he told me he could/would never do - cheat. I don't want to remember him this way. He certainly was showing signs of some rather strange personality changes over the last six months, but the whole prostitution thing is just shocking to me. 

He was definitely having a hard time dealing with his age. He had a hard time when he turned 50 and each year past that he's gotten worse. 

I'm probably answering my own questions here. I have no choice but to move on from this. I can't exactly question him or confront him. I just don't want to remember him this way. I want to remember the loving, caring, wonderful husband with whom I shared the last 22 years of my life. 

Where did I go wrong? How do I move beyond this?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I have no word to say that can make you feel better, as I know how awful it feel just to have a h being unfaithful is, but to go thur it the way you must is unbearable. I am really sorry. 

I hope you have family or friends to lean on for support during this really hard time. 

You didn't go wrong.

-sammy


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and for the shocking knowledge of his behavior.

You did NOTHING wrong. However because of his death and the knowledge you now have, you have a long road of healing in front of you. If I were you, I'd need a therapist help with this one.

I wish you luck and healing.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

This is terrible and our hearts go out to you.

Sadly there things about this that can get extremely complicated 

I personally have a lot of knowledge about strokes and their devastating effect

Forgive me for asking but how long before his death did he have the stroke, how serious a stroke was it and how long does his covert behavior history go back in line with his stroke?

I ask this becasue I am aware that clearly stroke is a brain issue and of course many things change in time of physical and mental behavioir after a stroke

Many stroke victims have small but significant changes in terms of sexual impropriety in terms of their outward behavior depending on the strength of the attack 

Did he show anything like that in his behavior because this is not uncommon

Apologies but answers to these questions may of course help you to see more in his behavior


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I'm sorry 

Life sure does suck.

None of this means he didn't love you to death though. It really doesn't. People do some f*cked up things, selfish things, but some people really do care.

The really sad thing is that you'll never know. 

I'm sorry.

My T has really helped me. Still I'm a work-in-progress, but it's movement, and so much better than stagnating and _the horrible alternative._

You're awesome, everyone deserves to have you in their life, and nobody is ever alone. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. But you get to judge yourself. We all look at ourselves through a mirror that we see in someone elses eyes and it's a distorted and warped picture. And we have no way to look at ourselves. You can't pluck your own eyes out, hold them backwards, six inches in front of your face.

So my best recommendation is to stop judging yourself through his eyes because it will never work. It will never help you help yourself. One thing I've found immensely helpful is making a list of the ten things I want in my life. Writing and re-writing this list, over-and-over, forever... At least you can get your own soul on the right path. Because no one will ever truly care about you the way you can care about you, so you need to care about yourself.

"I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning.”

It's never too late.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I'm sorry for your loss, I hope your recovery is swift and you come out the other side a stronger, healthier person. Can you be specific about the evidence you found on the PC? Do you know without a shadow of a doubt that he was indeed having sex with these women? Or was it just a natural assumption?

The advice to you would pretty much be the same if he was alive, you need to seek out a good individual counselor with a background in grief and loss. In the cases where infidelity is present and there is no desire to reconcile, the healing has to be done without the aid of the person who caused the damage in the first place.

It has already been mentioned in this thread, but his mental health may have been compromised to a great degree, and while that most certainly would not be a justification for cheating, it would at least be an explanation where you would otherwise never get to have one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need specialist, intensive counselling. I am so sorry at your double loss. You husband and your concept of him as your faithful spouse.


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

Headspin said:


> This is terrible and our hearts go out to you.
> 
> Sadly there things about this that can get extremely complicated
> 
> ...



His stroke was major. The ER doctors, the neurologist, and the hospitalist made it clear to me that people who suffer this sort of bleed in the brain stem do not live long and do not recover. 

He had high blood pressure which he claimed he only had when seeing the doctor. One of his co-workers told me after he died that she noticed some personality changes in him in November. She thought it was stress-related. He had said some rather inappropriate things to her - something he had never done previously. He was a strictly by-the-book guy and some of the things he had written to her could have had him fired on the spot. I noticed some personality changes as well but I assumed it was stress-related. 

I would not be surprised to learn that he had maybe had TIAs before the big stroke. I have learned that that can also lead to behavioral changes in folks. His behavior the last few months of his life was shocking and definitely took me by surprise. He was proud of his integrity and the way he conducted his life. 

The only thing I found that made me suspicious was an entry in his bank account for a gift card to a lingerie store. I found out about the specifics of the prostitutes by doing a Google search for his throwaway e-mail address and there was a website where men rated these prostitutes and his e-mail address came up there for several reviews. 

I am devastated. I know I need to find a good counselor because this is eating me alive right now.


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> *He had always told me that if something ever happened to him, he wanted me to take his personal information off his work computer and transfer it to an external hard drive and then erase it from his work computer. He was an executive so he was able to use his work computer pretty much any way he wanted.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He carried his laptop back and forth from work and his computer was at home at the time he suffered his stroke. He had our personal financial information on his computer and he knew if something happened to him, they would want that computer back and he didn't want that personal financial information left there.


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My husband also takes his computer back and forth but it takes a password and a badge to get into and it is encrypted. There is no way I could access anything on his computer. He would not keep anything like personal financial information on the work computer. His computer is backed up at work every time he logs in at work. So they automatically have any information stored on his computer. So wiping it out would do no good. If he were to look at anything sensitive...of a sexual nature....it would be tracked and he would be dismissed immediately.
> 
> I guess I am just trying to picture an executive for a company being careless enough to keep prostitute information on his work computer....and then being careless enough to say...oh honey...if I die please transfer all of my files to an external hard drive and wipe it off of my computer....so no one else has the information.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry you are having a hard time understanding my story. I'm having a hard time understanding my story. The wound is still very raw and will be for awhile so my ability to put together the whole story is not an easy task right now. 

I found most of that on my own computer at home when doing a Google search for his non-corporate e-mail address. When his laptop was at home, he wasn't on the network and it wasn't hard to get into his computer. He kept a list of his passwords so that they would be available in the event of an emergency. 

If his employer wants to look at his personal financial information, then I guess they will. They won't find anything interesting except for the fact that he was excellent at financial planning.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

You have got to speak to the neurologist who treated your husband after his stroke. As has already been mentioned, it is not uncommon for strokes to affect the part of the brain that controls sexual behavior. I've read about this many times. Please Google it for your own peace of mind, and then make an appointment, immediately, to speak to his neurologist. Then, make an appointment to see a competent therapist who can help you deal with this. Of course this is eating you alive, but there is a very strong probability that this behavior occurred only as a result of his stroke. You are already grieving the death of your husband, and at a fairly young age, you do not need to carry this extra burden, on top of that, to needlessly interfere with your cherished memories. 

His death is tragedy enough, not getting answers is going to make your grieving so much more difficult. Don't sit on this another day. Make those appointments. And, please, keep us informed. If nothing else, this forum should serve to educate. 

You have my heartfelt condolences.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

brokenhearttx said:


> I found most of that on my own computer at home when doing a Google search for his non-corporate e-mail address.


Wait, you found most of this prostitute stuff during a Google search because somehow it was associated with his real personal email address?

Then what happened? :scratchhead:


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Wait, you found most of this prostitute stuff during a Google search because somehow it was associated with his real personal email address?
> 
> Then what happened? :scratchhead:



It took me to a website for prostitutes and customers and there were reviews from various men of the young women offering their services. My husband had posted several reviews over the last six weeks. He's had that throwaway e-mail account for years. I really don't know what possessed me to do that search other than the fact that I thought I might get some kind of hit and obviously I did. 

So I guess if you suspect you have a cheating spouse, it wouldn't hurt to do a Google search of their exact e-mail address. 

Honestly, I e-mailed the owner of the website, told him of the situation and asked him to please remove my husband's name and e-mail address and to my surprise, he did.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

brokenhearttx said:


> It took me to a website for prostitutes and customers and there were reviews from various men of the young women offering their services. My husband had posted several reviews over the last six weeks.


Your husband posted 6 reviews over a 6 week period? Wow! He must have been rather enthusiastic about the services he received.

And just as incredible the website is set up in such a manner that the person who leaves the review has their email address made public to the entire internet!

Even more amazing.. you emailed the owner of the site and the owner gladly and immediately removed your husband's email address from the reviews based on nothing more than an anonymous email saying what.. that the person who left the reviews suddenly died and you are the widow and you just came across those reviews and you're understandably upset by the entire ordeal. Luckily you've got an understanding and compassionate prostitute website administrator on your side.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

brokenhearttx said:


> My husband died a few weeks ago on our 20th anniversary after suffering a stroke at age 53. This has been unbelievably painful.
> 
> He had always told me that if something ever happened to him, he wanted me to take his personal information off his work computer and transfer it to an external hard drive and then erase it from his work computer. He was an executive so he was able to use his work computer pretty much any way he wanted.
> 
> ...


Medically speaking, when there is stroke/brain injury/internal brain hemorrhage, the ability to reason and impulse control goes down the drain. It's entirely possible that the cheating was a symptom of his accumulating injury, and not representative of his true character. I would judge him more on what you personally experienced with him, rather than whatever he did after his brain started to suffer damage. 

I'm sorry about your loss.

I lost my boyfriend to a brain hemorrhage two years ago. He survived, physically speaking...


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Your husband posted 6 reviews over a 6 week period? Wow! He must have been rather enthusiastic about the services he received.
> 
> And just as incredible the website is set up in such a manner that the person who leaves the review has their email address made public to the entire internet!
> 
> Even more amazing.. you emailed the owner of the site and the owner gladly and immediately removed your husband's email address from the reviews based on nothing more than an anonymous email saying what.. that the person who left the reviews suddenly died and you are the widow and you just came across those reviews and you're understandably upset by the entire ordeal. Luckily you've got an understanding and compassionate prostitute website administrator on your side.



The reviews to me sounded more like he was bragging, which wasn't the kind of person he was, either, in all of the years I knew him and was married to him.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

brokenhearttx said:


> The reviews to me sounded more like he was bragging, which wasn't the kind of person he was, either, in all of the years I knew him and was married to him.


Do we ever really know the people we're dealing with?

The question is rhetorical.


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Your husband posted 6 reviews over a 6 week period? Wow! He must have been rather enthusiastic about the services he received.
> 
> And just as incredible the website is set up in such a manner that the person who leaves the review has their email address made public to the entire internet!
> 
> Even more amazing.. you emailed the owner of the site and the owner gladly and immediately removed your husband's email address from the reviews based on nothing more than an anonymous email saying what.. that the person who left the reviews suddenly died and you are the widow and you just came across those reviews and you're understandably upset by the entire ordeal. Luckily you've got an understanding and compassionate prostitute website administrator on your side.





Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Medically speaking, when there is stroke/brain injury/internal brain hemorrhage, the ability to reason and impulse control goes down the drain. It's entirely possible that the cheating was a symptom of his accumulating injury, and not representative of his true character. I would judge him more on what you personally experienced with him, rather than whatever he did after his brain started to suffer damage.
> 
> I'm sorry about your loss.
> 
> I lost my boyfriend to a brain hemorrhage two years ago. He survived, physically speaking...



This scenario actually makes the most sense to me, and it's not just because I'm hurting from what I've discovered. I'd rather have the whole story, no matter how much it hurts, and deal with it instead of getting bits and pieces here and there and hurting all over again. 

He was a person who strove to always do the right thing. He wasn't a jerk. He wasn't arrogant. He wasn't cruel. That's why this was such a shock. 

I know I will get to the day where I will be able to give him the benefit of the doubt for his indiscretions just from the things I've read and heard from other people.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

brokenhearttx said:


> I know I will get to the day where I will be able to give him the benefit of the doubt for his indiscretions just from the things I've read and heard from other people.


He posted 6 reviews on a prostitute website bragging about his exploits with hookers.

That's cause for a whole lot of doubt and doesn't leave much room for benefit. But I just had a thought. In order for us to help understand what your husband had been going through in his final months, and since his email address was removed from the online reviews, could you please post the link to those reviews?

We're here to help.


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Do we ever really know the people we're dealing with?
> 
> The question is rhetorical.



Of course we don't. Every individual is entitled to their own private thoughts and actions, married or not. But I lived with this man for nearly 22 years and the actions the last six weeks of his life were not the actions of that man. There was something else going on with him. 

Perhaps he had a premonition he was going to die and played out some fantasy. 

I just don't know. I'm not naive. I know men and women cheat on each other all the time and I know there is no way for me to know what was going on inside my husband's head.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Lenzi ...you are not thinking of hiring one of those girls are you? Now you know better.


Absolutely not!

Well.. 

Depends on how many stars they got.


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

lenzi said:


> He posted 6 reviews on a prostitute website bragging about his exploits with hookers.
> 
> That's cause for a whole lot of doubt and doesn't leave much room for benefit. But I just had a thought. In order for us to help understand what your husband had been going through in his final months, and since his email address was removed from the online reviews, could you please post the link to those reviews?
> 
> We're here to help.




Ummmm, no. Sorry.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

He was in mid life crisis. You will never understand it because he could not have understood it either.

This has no reflection on you. Please see an IC to help you heal.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

One other suggestion is to post on the reconciliation thread here in CWI started by B1.

You will learn that your H was not a bad man nor is this a reflection on you. Great people who love their spouse sometimes do things they later regret.

On this thread I recommend, people who care, both WS and BS, will help you in your time of need.

You need to help yourself understand and move through all of this.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I did have a friend that his personality changed and then he had a stroke. 

He may have had smaller stokes before the larger one. It seemed like he did. It did change his behavior and he would laugh at things that he did not before.

It seemed to remove his filter for appropriate behavior. I am not making excuses for your H's behavior. I am so sorry for your loss. Your H may have had something similar happen to him like my old friend.

I do wish you better times in the future. Do try to get some help with your pain.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

After my father's death a few years ago, I learned he more than he'd had a few minor strokes in the years leading up to his death. Not surprising to me given his particular medical condition. His personality definitely changed during this time. When he passed he had been in a relationship for a year or so prior to. The relationship wasn't necessarily "inappropriate" but it was most definitely out of character for him. if he had gotten married to this person I would have had a "stepmother" who was only five months older than my now 23yo daughter. AFAIK, prior to this relationship my dad had only ever dated women his own age and my mom is his age, only 1.5 years younger. None of his friends had ever known him to date MUCH younger women.

My dad did behave inappropriately at times and in other situations the last few years he was alive, saying and doing things at work that could have gotten him in a lot of trouble if not fired. He'd had the same job for 30 years and had never behaved like that in the past, per what I've been told from a couple people who had worked with him.

In a nutshell, I do think the minor strokes changed my dad's personality and while in counseling I brought this situation up with the much younger girlfriend more than once. I had a hard time reconciling what I knew about my dad while he was alive and what I learned after he died - and that was my dad, NOT my husband. So I can't imagine what it would be like to go through learning what you did after your husband died.

Counseling helped me quite a bit. Best of luck to you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> *He had always told me that if something ever happened to him, he wanted me to take his personal information off his work computer and transfer it to an external hard drive and then erase it from his work computer. He was an executive so he was able to use his work computer pretty much any way he wanted.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Same here, they have personal effects packed and the next of kin has to make an appt. to pick them up.

Plus the security software scans for key words so an escort service would shut the system downs. 

But wow, that is a lot to deal with and tis requires professional help. And STD testing. Good luck.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

My condolenses on your loss and the heartbreak that you dealing with afterwards. I suffered a hemoragic stroke about 8 years ago now and I can tell you from first hand experience it does change your thought processes, your emotions for a time. Your brain has been injured and till it rewires itself it isn’t unusual to have different personality traits or etc show up at first and many times this is the only clue to smaller strokes. 

Given the timeline and what you said about him, he most likely had a smaller or minor stroke weeks before this larger stroke. The sudden change in him was probably a symptom of the stroke. No two people are affected by strokes the same way and a great deal is dependent on what part of the brain is affected. Short term or long term personality changes do happen. 

As hard as it has been to learn these things, its even harder not being able to get answers. What he did wasn’t about you, you did not do anything wrong. Whether it was a medical condition, a midlife crisis whatever. You did not fail him. Find a good counselor and start to heal yourself.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

brokenhearttx said:


> Of course we don't. Every individual is entitled to their own private thoughts and actions, married or not. But I lived with this man for nearly 22 years and the actions the last six weeks of his life were not the actions of that man. There was something else going on with him.
> 
> Perhaps he had a premonition he was going to die and played out some fantasy.
> 
> I just don't know. I'm not naive. I know men and women cheat on each other all the time and I know there is no way for me to know what was going on inside my husband's head.


If that helps you make sense of it, then there is your answer. Your husband isn't ever going to ever be able to answer questions. 

You've suffered a loss everyone deals differently. But in this case therapy would basic care for you.

Good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

brokenhearttx, 

I'm speaking to you as a woman whose husband is also in his early 50's with significant health problems due to high blood pressure (very high). I think it can sometimes hit a man harder than we women understand or realize--the fact that they are no longer young and strong. I think anyone can understand the idea of a mid-life crisis, and I suspect it's something like that only stronger, and deeper.

If you look over the VAST MAJORITY of your husband's life, he was one, consistent character. At the end, as he was facing his own mortality and for the last weeks of his life, I suspect it is likely he had TIAs or medical issues that affected his personality such that those last few weeks "may not have been him"...meaning if a man is one way for 49.5 of 50 years and another, completely out-of-character way for .5 years that's 1% of his life and not really him. 

Thus, I would personally suggest that the truth is, in the end of his life, he got scared. He did some very uncharacteristic things. The truth is, he made some unwise choices when he was facing his own death--who knows why? But it's okay to remember the man he was for 49.5 of his 50 years...that IS who he honestly was. The entirety of his life is defined but all of his years, not just those last weeks. 

Finally, I doubt if it was anything you did. In fact, I know it wasn't. He chose it. Maybe he was not entirely in his right mind. Maybe he was scared--fear is a powerful driving force. Maybe he was just rebelling after years of being respectable and honorable. Who knows? And since we don't know, I think it is reasonable to face the truth--he did do this and it was 100% HIS choice. It wasn't you; there was nothing you did wrong; it was 100% about him and something within him. Some of the last actions he took in this life are probably actions he regretted in his final moments. Yet for the majority of his adult life, he loved and treated you with respect. Personally, I'd encourage you to forgive him and bury the past with him. Yes, he made a gigantic and hurtful mistake. He was a human and he is gone. Let him off the hook and let yourself off the hook by remembering the man he was before--his true character.

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Have to say brokenheartx that my first thoughts about the reasons why, in terms of your husbands 'waywardness' in connection with the stroke, are now a bit clearer.

My father had his severe stroke in 2006 but had a couple of smaller ones before. My dad never even thought about straying in his whole life and after the first severe attack it was a huge shock for my sister my mum and I to see him going 'hands on' with the nursing staff, being suggestive, publicly inappropriate. It was almost a different person. Then it got worse and we had to accept this person we loved and knew all our lives was gone and gone forever.

I think you can see from the experiences of others here that this metamorphosis in stroke victims is not uncommon 

Had you any reason to suspect him of anything in all your previous years ? If not then I think you can with some conviction say this was not the real person you knew by the end and maybe get some comfort in knowing that 

As terrible as stroke and its effects are I hope this is the case for you and you can cherish his memory with how you remember the 'real' him 

Thoughts are with you


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I will add yet another story about the effects of stroke on the personality.

My father also had a series of ministrokes. He noticeably changed his behavior and we were all puzzled because we were unaware of the TIA's. He became cruder verbally as well as outwardly hostile.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sorry for your loss. This is a double whammy, grief and new revelations of misdeeds.

When I was a chaplain in a hospital, mission and nursing home, there were several cases where this sort of behavior came to light. Brain tumors and other conditions can alter a personality. One case in which I was involved had to do with a very conservative church going lady, who was always modest, never spoke a crude word. Then all the sudden she was speaking crudely, having sex with multiple men and her husband and children were horrified. Turns out she died of a brain tumor. In discussing this matter with other staff members, the Neurologist stated that this happens, and he gave a rather lengthly explanation of the brain and how this tumor was in the region of the brain that controlled impulse, etc.


1. If all the email activity, online activity, in which he was involved in this behavior is all fairly recent, I would say that it was all related to his health condition.
2. If you find out that this goes back further, then I would say you really did not know him well.
3. When did he ask you to get rid of stuff on his computer? If it was recent then it makes sense to me that he would ask you to do this, as he knew there would be some embarrassing things on his computer. BUT - if this goes back a ways, then I would say it would be something he has been hiding for a while. Keep in mind that many folks in the I.T. field see this and many would just delete the crap and pull up what is needed to be retrieved for work. Not many I.T. folks that I know would rat a person out. When I was on Active Duty in Iraq, this was our protocol. If a soldier died we would have an I.T. person go over their computer to "clean" it up. Is it the right thing to do? I am not sure, but that is what we did.


Bottom line - this is a fairly common but unfortunate behavior when the brain gets injured. Look at the timeline - if this is stuff, say within about a year, then I would suggest it had to do with brain injury.

P.S. You had nothing to do with his behavior at all, no matter what you may find out.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

EI said:


> You have got to speak to the neurologist who treated your husband after his stroke. As has already been mentioned, it is not uncommon for strokes to affect the part of the brain that controls sexual behavior. I've read about this many times. Please Google it for your own peace of mind, and then make an appointment, immediately, to speak to his neurologist. Then, make an appointment to see a competent therapist who can help you deal with this. Of course this is eating you alive, but there is a very strong probability that this behavior occurred only as a result of his stroke. You are already grieving the death of your husband, and at a fairly young age, you do not need to carry this extra burden, on top of that, to needlessly interfere with your cherished memories.
> 
> His death is tragedy enough, not getting answers is going to make your grieving so much more difficult. Don't sit on this another day. Make those appointments. And, please, keep us informed. If nothing else, this forum should serve to educate.
> 
> You have my heartfelt condolences.


I can attest to this happening to somebody I know. In this case, it was the wife who suddenly went nuts like this after a stroke. The husband was a coworker of mine, and he divorced her but to this day feels that he does owe her some level of support as part of his vows to her. On the outside she looks fine, but she went from a loyal spouse to a woman who has endless ONS once she got out of the hospital. He's set her up to be taken care of for life, with a place to live, but has no contact with her.

It is exactly like the other examples here. "Before" she was the church going lady, active mother, loving wife. She lost the kids because she'd bring men (yes, plural) home and not be careful around the children. Some of the men would freak out about the kids being around, but she'd also bring around such scuzbags that they'd not care. What finally did her in was when one of the men made a pass at the 14 y/o daughter and her brother beat the *$#$! out of the guy.


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

All of your stories have been very, very helpful to me and have really shed a whole new light on the things I've found. I was actually married once before to a serial cheater whom I divorced way back in the 1980s. My husband that just died was my second husband and he and I talked at length about cheating spouses and he knew how I felt about it. I told him that I would not go through that again. I honestly thought I couldn't ever trust another man but he convinced me otherwise over our 20-year marriage. He never acted inappropriately with other women, never talked inappropriately about other women, and he treated our sex life as if it were sacred to him. He was in his 30s when we met and married and he said he'd had his fun in his 20s and said it was a lonely existence. He didn't want to live like that the rest of his life and was ready to settle down. And he did. There was never any evidence of misdeeds on his part - until he died and I found what he had been up to the last six weeks of his life. That is all the evidence I have found of cheating on his part. 

The very fact that he wrote that inappropriate e-mail to his co-worker on his company e-mail address is really the best piece of evidence that something had gone haywire. He just was not that way and she told me that he had never said or done anything inappropriately with her. She said when she got that e-mail she she said that she thought something had gone wrong because he had written that e-mail on company e-mail. They even traveled together occasionally for work and she felt comfortable traveling with him because he was a true gentleman.

She told me that in their many talks that it was obvious how in love with me he was and how much he loved our life together. She said she was actually envious that she did not have that with her husband. 

I was beginning to think the last 20 years of our lives together was just one big lie but I'm beginning to realize that something went wrong with him last fall and I just didn't pay attention to it. I just thought it was the stress from his job. 

So I am going to go with that. And thank you all for sharing your stories. It has really, really helped bring me some peace of mind which I so need at this point.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> I can attest to this happening to somebody I know. In this case, it was the wife who suddenly went nuts like this after a stroke. The husband was a coworker of mine, and he divorced her but to this day feels that he does owe her some level of support as part of his vows to her. On the outside she looks fine, but she went from a loyal spouse to a woman who has endless ONS once she got out of the hospital. He's set her up to be taken care of for life, with a place to live, but has no contact with her.
> 
> It is exactly like the other examples here. "Before" she was the church going lady, active mother, loving wife. She lost the kids because she'd bring men (yes, plural) home and not be careful around the children. Some of the men would freak out about the kids being around, but she'd also bring around such scuzbags that they'd not care. What finally did her in was when one of the men made a pass at the 14 y/o daughter and her brother beat the *$#$! out of the guy.


Larry, I always like your posts and this one struck a nerve with me. It shows how a person can love someone who hurt them, hold them accountable for their behaviors, and go over and beyond. It also shows strong boundaries. He dispenced grace and mercy in a very charitable manner. 

I have often said that a person can forgive someone of an offence, but that does not mean that they need to allow that person back into their life. This is an example.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

brokenhearttx said:


> All of your stories have been very, very helpful to me and have really shed a whole new light on the things I've found. I was actually married once before to a serial cheater whom I divorced way back in the 1980s. My husband that just died was my second husband and he and I talked at length about cheating spouses and he knew how I felt about it. I told him that I would not go through that again. I honestly thought I couldn't ever trust another man but he convinced me otherwise over our 20-year marriage. He never acted inappropriately with other women, never talked inappropriately about other women, and he treated our sex life as if it were sacred to him. He was in his 30s when we met and married and he said he'd had his fun in his 20s and said it was a lonely existence. He didn't want to live like that the rest of his life and was ready to settle down. And he did. There was never any evidence of misdeeds on his part - until he died and I found what he had been up to the last six weeks of his life. That is all the evidence I have found of cheating on his part.
> 
> The very fact that he wrote that inappropriate e-mail to his co-worker on his company e-mail address is really the best piece of evidence that something had gone haywire. He just was not that way and she told me that he had never said or done anything inappropriately with her. She said when she got that e-mail she she said that she thought something had gone wrong because he had written that e-mail on company e-mail. They even traveled together occasionally for work and she felt comfortable traveling with him because he was a true gentleman.
> 
> ...


IMO, by this last post I would conclude that it was something that was caused by a medical condition. Not unlike what I have seen over the years in my work as a chaplain.


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> IMO, by this last post I would conclude that it was something that was caused by a medical condition. Not unlike what I have seen over the years in my work as a chaplain.



Thank you for helping me deal with this a little better. All of you guys here are pretty darn cool.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I also wanted to add to the conversation about access to your husband's work computer. Both my husband and I work for gov't agencies and we both have laptops we use at work every day and bring home regularly. All either one of our laptops require for access at home or work are our regular sign on/user name and one password. I'm an engineer and unless a person finds design plans exciting, they will find nothing interesting on my laptop.

My husband works in a field some would consider far more interesting than engineering and it certainly deals with extremely confidential and personal information about the clients they provide services for. I could access anything on his laptop VERY easily.... and vice versa. A person would think, given the nature of work he does, his or any of his employer's computers would be more protected, harder to access, etc. They're not.

If my husband passed away I would need an escort to find his desk or even access the floor of the building he works on, due to the security measures they have in place there. It's far more likely someone would meet me downstairs with a box of things from his desk. However, since he brings his laptop home daily, accessing it and logging onto it would be super easy.... nowhere near as difficult as some have posted about their spouse's employers. 

Some employers aren't anywhere near as vigilant about IT/PC security as others are. Therefore I'm not surprised the OP was able to access her husband's work laptop. I don't think it sounds as odd as others thought it did.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

brokenhearttx said:


> All of your stories have been very, very helpful to me and have really shed a whole new light on the things I've found. I was actually married once before to a serial cheater whom I divorced way back in the 1980s. My husband that just died was my second husband and he and I talked at length about cheating spouses and he knew how I felt about it. I told him that I would not go through that again. I honestly thought I couldn't ever trust another man but he convinced me otherwise over our 20-year marriage. He never acted inappropriately with other women, never talked inappropriately about other women, and he treated our sex life as if it were sacred to him. He was in his 30s when we met and married and he said he'd had his fun in his 20s and said it was a lonely existence. He didn't want to live like that the rest of his life and was ready to settle down. And he did. There was never any evidence of misdeeds on his part - until he died and I found what he had been up to the last six weeks of his life. That is all the evidence I have found of cheating on his part.
> 
> The very fact that he wrote that inappropriate e-mail to his co-worker on his company e-mail address is really the best piece of evidence that something had gone haywire. He just was not that way and she told me that he had never said or done anything inappropriately with her. She said when she got that e-mail she she said that she thought something had gone wrong because he had written that e-mail on company e-mail. They even traveled together occasionally for work and she felt comfortable traveling with him because he was a true gentleman.
> 
> ...


Well none of this takes away losing him of course but hopefully you can rest much easier with the later events. I think the conclusions you have drawn here will enable you to grieve for him in the proper manner, sounds like he treated you well and with much love and respect. You have I hope, a lot of good memories things to look back upon


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

So sorry for your loss, brokenheartx. Was your husband on blood pressure meds and/or statins? If so, for how long? Side effects of statins include dementia, brain fog ----maybe could account for altered personality?


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## brokenhearttx (Mar 1, 2014)

Csquare said:


> So sorry for your loss, brokenheartx. Was your husband on blood pressure meds and/or statins? If so, for how long? Side effects of statins include dementia, brain fog ----maybe could account for altered personality?



He didn't take statins and he wouldn't take his BP meds, either. He swore his blood pressure was only high at the doctor's office which was complete and utter BS but he was an adult and I couldn't make him take his meds.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Even if you take it off the computer it still can be recover unless a complete reformat is done


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

I have to tell you that I have a close friend who recently confessed to me after hearing my marital tragedy that for almost his entire married life he has been with other woman, massage parlors, escorts, you name it.

But he deeply is in love with his wife. As a matter of fact MSTBXW says that she and I had way to much sex and that's was all that held us together. That I wanted more than was normal and I brought up this story.

She said the wife also complained about to her that her husband desired way to much sex.

So here was a guy getting a fair amount of sex from his wife, still had this sexual addiction, but still loved his wife.

Now I warned him that at some point she was going to figure it out or the guilt or $$$ was going to kill him.

Worse still his emotions would disconnect from his wife etc..

He is now in counseling to correct his addiction

BUT AGAIN HE IS MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIS WIFE...

As a woman you probably ask how can he be and do this..it's an addiction.

I feel terrible about your loss 53 is way to young. But something happened and he mayBe just went through a mini mid-life crises or end of life crises..

Try to forgive him for your own sanity...


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