# Marriage and PORN!!!!!



## emilysue

So i am 20 yrs old i have been married for 2 1/2 years and we have a 4 month old son.... I found porn sites on my computers history and i have VERY Mixed emotions right now!!! I now feel insecure of course and i feel like i am not good enough for him anymore, simply because it just started since we have the wireless internet for a week now!!  he used to watch it on tv but quit 2 years ago and now started back up!!! I'm not sure how i feel about him doing that!! It deeply upset me and he claims he will stop but the damage has been done!! When i have sex i feel like in the back of his mind hes picturing the girl with big tits and what not that he was checkin out earlier!!!!! and he does it right after we have sex!!!!!!! after im asleep!!!!!! which to me says he didnt get it good enough!!!! Any Suggestions???


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## SimplyAmorous

emilysue said:


> So i am 20 yrs old i have been married for 2 1/2 years and we have a 4 month old son.... I found porn sites on my computers history and i have VERY Mixed emotions right now!!! I now feel insecure of course and i feel like i am not good enough for him anymore, simply because it just started since we have the wireless internet for a week now!!


Looking past how you are "feeling" about this RIGHT in this moment --*How does your husband TREAT YOU outside of this discovery?* Do you feel he is not there for you, takes care of your needs -emotionally -physically ? 

You mentioned just getting a computer, brings back memories - How about this, the 2nd day we had ours (very 1st computer ever ) , I went to turn it on after he was at work and a TIRADE of smut was on my screen, popping up all over the place, page after page, plastered on my desktop too, I was livid, I just grabbed my phone and called Dell & told them what my husband was obviously up too and we fixed it but boy was he ever in trouble when he got home. I was more mad about the complicatons than what he was doing accually. 

But it was a recurring theme at our house, he had this temptation to look up naked beauties & save them in folders. I used to post scriptures on his desktop, I think I even cried about it one time, feeling just as you describe here now in your post -I must not be good enough. But shamefully I was lacking giving him much sex at the time. He used to look at it before he went to work-- but here is the thing - I was treated like a queen, nothing was lacking, he was a good man, just liked a little porn. He has never put the porn before me, and I believe him when he tells me he never thinks of any other woman when he is with me. I have never gotten that feeling -ever. Now we watch it together, but back then, well, I felt insecure too. So try to keep an open mind. Some men just enjoy porn (I think the more hard core it is , the more I would be concerned personally). 

BUt true, MANY men have addicting tendencies than can reac havoc and can interfere with a healthy marital sex life--this , on the other hand, is NEVER Ok. 

So ask yourself .....how does he treat outside of this -daily, emotionally, sexually? If all is good here, talk to him about how it makes you feel, see if he is willing to work with you , tone it down some, hold you at night after you have sex and not be running to the computer, tell him how that makes you feel. 

But at the same time, try not to back him into a corner where he will just continue to Hide, some good men just enjoy it , men are visual creatures. It does Not mean they are thinking of these women when they make love to their wives. (not all men do this) - I bet your husband has a very high sex drive , he has sex on the brain anytime he is awake. Kinda typical really if he is a young man. 

Here is a good book to explore how men feel about this and how the wives feel, maybe you can get this and you & he can read it together. I think in the end, the husband gives it up for his wife, but not until she 1st tried to understand his allure to it. Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books


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## TheAbstract

SimplyAmorous gave you some really good advice, so I don't want to say anything to take away from what she said. 

I just wanted to say as a man, I can tell you men look at porn for about a million different reasons. I'm not saying your husband is in the right or anything, I'm just saying don't read much into it yet. 

The best thing you can do is what SimplyAmorous said...talk to him about it in a non-accusatory way. Don't back him into a corner, just ask him what he likes and why he likes it. 

But also listen to SimplyAmorous when she said it depends on the kind of guy he is and how he treats you. If he treats you well, then talk to him. If he treats you badly, try seeing a marriage counselor, on your own if you have to. 

Good luck!


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## greenpearl

Telling men not to do what they love to do is not going to stop them from doing it! 

Seductively tell him if that's what he loves to watch, you would like to watch it with him together, and explore sex with him together, I am sure your husband is going to be very surprised and thrilled, he will be thrilled to have such an understanding wife like you are!

Avoiding challenges won't make them go away, it won't help you overcome your insecurities, by facing them and understanding them then you know they are really not that threatening!


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## Syrum

I believe that porn is very bad for relationships. It is bad for sex and if men want to be bad in bed then they should really watch it more.

I don't think it's wrong to tell your husband that you don't believe he should be watching it. 

I also strongly disagree that if you tell a man not to do something he loves, he will just hide it and continue doing it. Anything that is destructive to your relationship, including watching porn, and anything that is bad for the self esteem of the other should be stopped. That is reasonable. 
If he was flirting with other women, would people say that he can't help it, and will only hide it, so it's better you know about it? NOPE. You have a right to set relationship boundaries, and things you are comfortable with.

People act like men need porn and they do not. People act like men can't stop themselves from watching it. however that is not true, men no more have to watch porn then they do cheat or lie.

Porn is bad for men's brains, it is highly addictive, it changes the way men view women, it changes their expectations, and their satisfaction levels. It also changes the way women view themselves and can lower self esteem. It sets unreasonable expectations of women and men in bed and also teaches bad sex moves in the majority of porn.

The people in porn are real people, most of them are very young and naive and a good deal of women in the sex industry started underage or are the victims of human traficking. Many of the women in the industry are addicted to drugs and often women in the movies are coerced or forced to participate in things they don't want to do.

Moreover if it does not help sexual intimacy between two people, nor help bonding by introducing third parties, porn included.

The porn industry has done a good job of convincing people it's OK to take sex and intimacy that should be shared just between two loving people and replace it with fake sex, which IMO does nothing but degrade women and cause sexual problems.


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## AgentD

If you are bothered by this now you will be bothered by this later. Its not going to just go away. For whatever reason his focus is on porn right now. Since the baby has been born do you feel he feels unloved? Is your attention and focus mainly on the baby and perhaps he feels left out? This is common and sometimes happens with new fathers.

I'm not making excuses for his behavior, because chances are, there is a deeper issue going on here, and its probably not about him liking women with big boobs etc. Whether people tell you porn is ok or not, if you are bothered by this, then that is what matters.


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## Ayrun

I bet he feels like a damn kid in a candy story with that high speed internet. Anyhow, one thing, keep an eye on how often he initiates from here on in. Keep a hawk eye on that.


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## BM178

I would say once in awhile to just watch it is fine. But when it get's to the point of few times a week... ehhhhh. Not so good. Ask him what he likes in the bedroom. Ask why he chooses to watch porn. Talk it out, don't yell or get defensive.


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## Boogsie

Most guys I know, myself included, use porn as a stimulus. I am not desiring the person I am watching. I may be fantasizing about doing whatever it is with my wife, but I'm not thinking about straying.

I'm also in a situation where my wife thinks that sexual intimacy once a month is plenty enough for anyone to be satisfied with. She is not keeping up with my drive. She will not keep up with my drive, and she can not keep up with my drive.

Believe me, if she was keeping up with me, like she used to, porn would be a non issue for me. But, she isn't, so it is.


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## AgentD

Boogsie said:


> Most guys I know, myself included, use porn as a stimulus. I am not desiring the person I am watching. I may be fantasizing about doing whatever it is with my wife, but I'm not thinking about straying.
> 
> I'm also in a situation where my wife thinks that sexual intimacy once a month is plenty enough for anyone to be satisfied with. She is not keeping up with my drive. She will not keep up with my drive, and she can not keep up with my drive.
> 
> Believe me, if she was keeping up with me, like she used to, porn would be a non issue for me. But, she isn't, so it is.


I have known guys too who watch porn a lot, and they are getting sex quite often from their spouses. I guess some watch it regardless of what they are getting or not getting.


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## Jamison

Kind of like those who have affairs. Their excuse is they are not getting their sexual needs met so they look elsewhere. Some married people do and are getting their needs met as well, but they still have an affair, so they can't always use that excuse. Bottom line, there is something else going on. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. If he tells you he will not do it again, then he would need to prove that to you, because right now your trust has been broken. His focus should be on his marriage not something on a screen that is of no value to him.


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## Boogsie

Jamison said:


> Kind of like those who have affairs. Their excuse is they are not getting their sexual needs met so they look elsewhere. Some married people do and are getting their needs met as well, but they still have an affair, so they can't always use that excuse. Bottom line, there is something else going on. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. If he tells you he will not do it again, then he would need to prove that to you, because right now your trust has been broken. His focus should be on his marriage not something on a screen that is of no value to him.


So you are saying, because he is watching porn there is something else going on in their relationship? The same applies to me as well? I know exactly what is going on with me. I have a once-a-day sex drive with a once-a-month wife. For you to imply that there is something else going on in my marriage is absurd.

Are you saying then, that any woman who owns a vibrator or other sexual aid used for masturbation has something else going on in their relationship?

My situation is this: If my wife doesn't want me watching porn then she can sleep with me a few times a week. If she doesn't want me watching, well, that is HER problem, just like she tells me my sex drive is MY problem.


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## Jamison

I'm saying porn usually isn't the cause, but a symptom of a deeper issue. Most people like to blame the porn for destroying their marriage when usually there is another underlying issue. 

Also I'm sorry if you assumed, but my reply was in general, not directed at you. If you watching porn because you are not getting the amount of sex you desire for whatever reason, then go for it.


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## Boogsie

Jamison said:


> I'm saying porn usually isn't the cause, but a symptom of a deeper issue. Most people like to blame the porn for destroying their marriage when usually there is another underlying issue.
> 
> Also I'm sorry if you assumed, but my reply was in general, not directed at you. If you watching porn because you are not getting the amount of sex you desire for whatever reason, then go for it.


No harm no foul.  The whole porn / marriage sex thing can be a bit of a hot button for me. My wife thinks that I should be happy that I get what I get because sex isn't all a marriage should be about (and of course it ISN'T).

However, when I ask she only smoke on cigarette a month, she tends to get slightly defensive.


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## Amplexor

Boogsie said:


> However, when I ask she only smoke on cigarette a month, she tends to get slightly defensive.


Then she should call it the traditional after sex smoke.


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## ace4g

I'm one of those men an I really don't wat to watch porn inide of my marriage, but to stop would mean to get what i see in those smut videos in my bedroom. Now some of those videos get really outrageous. I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about oral on a regular basis, and a little semen on her lips. Maybe rough sex and a quickie in the middle of the night. ON A REGULAR BASIS. I know most wmen may think this is pathetic, but why? Speaking for myself I'd go out the way to satisfy my woman and I know to do that isn't always sexual for women, but I'm simple, satisfy me sexually and I will continue onward like a general to satify my lady.


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## elph

porn is such a hot button issue.

as a married man,i can tellyoui watch porn with some frequency, sometimes its no dffernet than background music, so to speak.

my wife and i will watch it together to ramp things up, or get ideas. and shes often daid shed rather me watch it and get ot my"energy" then go some where else (never mnd the fact that shes the one having an affair, EA style) 

but porn has never been a hinderance in our relationship, and i only do watch it after shes gone to bed to go to work early the next day. its a nice little fantasy, but its just that. 

weve even made a few videos ourselves, and i can honestly say they are WAY hotter than anything the pros do.

i understand your apprehension, but like any other probem, theres nothing alitte communication cant help.


oh and one more thing. once you visit certain sites, like say victorias secret, your computer can gnerate ads to specific themes based of your browsing experiance, so somethimes it may seem worse than it actually is


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## mr.miketastic

Syrum said:


> I believe that porn is very bad for relationships. It is bad for sex and if men want to be bad in bed then they should really watch it more.
> 
> I don't think it's wrong to tell your husband that you don't believe he should be watching it.
> 
> I also strongly disagree that if you tell a man not to do something he loves, he will just hide it and continue doing it. Anything that is destructive to your relationship, including watching porn, and anything that is bad for the self esteem of the other should be stopped. That is reasonable.
> If he was flirting with other women, would people say that he can't help it, and will only hide it, so it's better you know about it? NOPE. You have a right to set relationship boundaries, and things you are comfortable with.
> 
> People act like men need porn and they do not. People act like men can't stop themselves from watching it. however that is not true, men no more have to watch porn then they do cheat or lie.
> 
> Porn is bad for men's brains, it is highly addictive, it changes the way men view women, it changes their expectations, and their satisfaction levels. It also changes the way women view themselves and can lower self esteem. It sets unreasonable expectations of women and men in bed and also teaches bad sex moves in the majority of porn.
> 
> The people in porn are real people, most of them are very young and naive and a good deal of women in the sex industry started underage or are the victims of human traficking. Many of the women in the industry are addicted to drugs and often women in the movies are coerced or forced to participate in things they don't want to do.
> 
> Moreover if it does not help sexual intimacy between two people, nor help bonding by introducing third parties, porn included.
> 
> The porn industry has done a good job of convincing people it's OK to take sex and intimacy that should be shared just between two loving people and replace it with fake sex, which IMO does nothing but degrade women and cause sexual problems.


P0rn is not destructive to a relationship. I can't disagree more with the very general statement above. It is a lifesaver for me. I would rather not, but better that than relative celibacy.
What if you are married to someone who is a closeted lesbian?
What then? It's either that or cheating, and personally, I think p0rn is way safer.


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## ViperStorm

Seems like this is a depends type of question - even though men seem to be more open to it I think the effect is more of a result of how much and how much it bothers the spouse. I can attest to some closet porn watching a while back. It started mostly out of boredom. Boredom in the moment and boredom with the marriage. As soon as things weren't going well in the relationship or I couldn't sleep I would sometimes check into porn. If things were going well and I was happy it wasn't used. Currently, porn is a faded memory. Every now and again I do catch myself doing the bamboo porn (that would be very soft porn) every once in a while - Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated Swim Suit, etc. Again it is rather fleeting.

Personally, I'd much rather spend intimate time with my wife than anything else. I just really wonder about how you can run to other things when things aren't going the way you like them. It seems rather selfish and short term.

Having said all that I have friends where both partners (that is male and female) are very comfortable with porn. For both or for one. In some ways doesn't it come down to individual and personal taste? And that should include the feelings of the other partner. If I wander I eventually come back to the thought of would this hurt my wife's feelings and where do I want to life my life? Watching someone else or living my life? In today's society we tend to do a lot of watching others and not living in our lives....and porn is simply a small portion of that....


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## Catherine602

Ace You are addicted to porn and you need help. It completely changes the way you view sex and women. Like the women in porn you expect to be serviced just as you describe. Your desire for sex on demand and a woman who will do what ever you want when you want is what you have come to expect because that's what you see in porn. 

Also the feelings of entitlement is another sign. Why do you think your wife owes you penis worship just because you are her husband? Does she do anything for you as your wife or are you that devoted and she does nothing? Another sign of porn addiction is criticism of your partner, withdrawal from your wife and family. 

I can guarantee you that you are not as good a husband as you think. You seem angry, unappreciative, demanding, living in a porn fantasy, and remote. Sounds like you spend a great deal of time away from the family watching porn. Is your wife happy, how does she feel about your desire to use her? Does she she have sex with you or has she lost attraction for you? 

You need help. What you want does not exist it fantasy. I can not imagine a more miserable existence than to have a porn addicted husband. . It might help to follow the link below. 
Porn on the Brain
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird

Syrum said:


> I believe that porn is very bad for relationships. It is bad for sex and if men want to be bad in bed then they should really watch it more.
> 
> I don't think it's wrong to tell your husband that you don't believe he should be watching it.
> 
> I also strongly disagree that if you tell a man not to do something he loves, he will just hide it and continue doing it. Anything that is destructive to your relationship, including watching porn, and anything that is bad for the self esteem of the other should be stopped. That is reasonable.
> If he was flirting with other women, would people say that he can't help it, and will only hide it, so it's better you know about it? NOPE. You have a right to set relationship boundaries, and things you are comfortable with.
> 
> People act like men need porn and they do not. People act like men can't stop themselves from watching it. however that is not true, men no more have to watch porn then they do cheat or lie.
> 
> Porn is bad for men's brains, it is highly addictive, it changes the way men view women, it changes their expectations, and their satisfaction levels. It also changes the way women view themselves and can lower self esteem. It sets unreasonable expectations of women and men in bed and also teaches bad sex moves in the majority of porn.
> 
> The people in porn are real people, most of them are very young and naive and a good deal of women in the sex industry started underage or are the victims of human traficking. Many of the women in the industry are addicted to drugs and often women in the movies are coerced or forced to participate in things they don't want to do.
> 
> Moreover if it does not help sexual intimacy between two people, nor help bonding by introducing third parties, porn included.
> 
> The porn industry has done a good job of convincing people it's OK to take sex and intimacy that should be shared just between two loving people and replace it with fake sex, which IMO does nothing but degrade women and cause sexual problems.


:iagree:
You took the words rights out of my mouth.


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## tmbirdy

Boogsie said:


> Most guys I know, myself included, use porn as a stimulus. I am not desiring the person I am watching. I may be fantasizing about doing whatever it is with my wife, but I'm not thinking about straying.
> 
> I'm also in a situation where my wife thinks that sexual intimacy once a month is plenty enough for anyone to be satisfied with. She is not keeping up with my drive. She will not keep up with my drive, and she can not keep up with my drive.
> 
> Believe me, if she was keeping up with me, like she used to, porn would be a non issue for me. But, she isn't, so it is.


I'm a female and I totally agree with you. Sex even just once a week would not be keeping up with my drive or my husband's. Also, I agree about the stimulus part of it. Per se, I don't like the whole porn thing, but there are times when I have watched some hot guy get it on with a woman in a movie and it strikes something in me. I think the habit forming part of it is bad though and can take away from the real thing in the bedroom.


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## FaithHopeLove

My husband use to watch porn because either I was busy doing something else and he didn't want to bother me -or- because I was sleeping and he didn't want to wake me up.

We talked about it once when I caught him and I told him that I would prefer he would save that (pleasing himself sexually) for when I could be with him. I told him it did make me feel insecure and that I would prefer we would connect together when it came to sex. He has stopped doing that since that conversation. 

Perhaps since no boundaries were set your husband thinks its okay. Let him know that you know he's doing it and that you don't approve of him doing this, but that you still love him. Remind him you would prefer to connect together sexually. If he's doing it right after you two have sex, tell him (if you're honestly comfortable with it) that its okay to wake you up and go for a round two.


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## fixorrun

my husband and I had a simular issue at the beginning of our marriage. I would suggest you talk to him about how this makes you feel without "attacking" him about it. I did not address this early on in my marriage and now we are going to MC to try and rebuild from the devistation of several emotional affairs. Be kind and loving, but also be firm.


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## chillymorn

This topic comes up a lot and there are people on both sides of the fence thats for sure.

do some men abuse porn to the point where it is harmfull to their marriage. For sure there is ample evidence of that.

But I think the vast majority of married men use it to bridge the gap in sex libido differences.

Let take a vote of the married men who use porn.

would you rather masterbate to porn or make love to you sexy willing wife.

my answer would be a resounding make love to my wife.

now for the married women who husbands use porn. 

would you rather your husband not pestor you for sex so much and use porn to take the edge off or are you up to the task of being more available and advertursome in the bed room.


it seem some women think that because a marriage isn't supost to be only about sex that they get a free pass to ignor or minamize their husbands real need for sex.


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## Lon

What amazes me about porn is the diverse level of acceptance - it is perfectly ok and harmless to some, while it is deceptive, dangerous and detrimental to others. For me I generally think of it as relatively harmless however I know first hand how addictive it can be. I didn't think it became a problem on my marriage, but deep down I do feel corrupted: what has been seen can never be unseen, and it was so hard to look away. Now that my marriage has broken down I have to question just how much damage, if any, it played in our relationship. When my wife caught me the first time I saw a look of utter devastation on her face... I wish I had never been dishonest about it, part of the thrill for me was that it was my little secret, but over the years my W actually opened up a lot sexually and eventually came to like watching... I think what matters more than anything is that a married couple don't have secrets from each other that will harm the relationship when they inevitably come to light.


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## Catherine602

My husband views porn . I don't like porn on several levels but it is up to my husband what he does. I dont think it is a moral failing on the part of individual men and has nothing to do with my respect for my husband. I have no idea how much he watches or what he watches, I told him that not to tell me unless I ask and requested that he be discrete. 

However, for some men porn addiction is a problem. The problem for other men is more subtle. This is a quote from Chillimorn's post above "would you rather your husband not pestor you for sex so much and use porn to take the edge off or are you up to the task of being more available and advertursome in the bed room." Sounds OK except the last part, the desire for adventure and there is the rub. 

Perhaps a man would be happy with his wife's "performance" if he was not primed to expect a level of "acting" that he has become accustomed to seeing on porn. The acting has nothing to do with the personality of the woman he married or the level of excitement his skills elicit, it is just something he thinks he should have. 

If you notice the hundreds of post by men unhappy with their wives sexual performance. The most common complaints are - vanilla sex, not enough positions, not enough bj spontaneously given and enthusiastically bestowed, no swallowing, facials, not willing to dress up, strip, act out his fantasies, not wanting to try things like anal, outdoor sex, 3 some etc. Is that not weird! 

It is no longer enough for a woman to commit herself to a man, to have frequent mutually satisfying sex, be a good mother, a good executive officer in the marriage, she has to put on a sex show imposed on her by her husbands porn fantasies. 

Some men have a set of fantasies and must do's for their wives and intend to impose them on her. If she comes up wanting in her performance he may gets impatient, angry and views more porn, further fueling the fantasies and intensifying his unhappiness with what his wife has to offer. This to me is the problem with porn. It may make men forget that they are dealing with another human being with her own set of expectations and needs. 

It puts an enormous amount of pressure on woman to come up to an impossible standard of acting for a very intimate act. Women need to know that their guy is having sex with them and is interested in their pleasure. It is also the most vulnerable activity for many people, any hint of dissatisfaction because of a performance evaluation, kills the desire. 

I think that is why sexual problems in marriages is increasing and will continue to do so until we as a society accept that porn is invasive and insidious and harms in subtle ways. It is not that women are "prudes" or feminazi's trying to control men or shrews trying to deny a men the expression of their sexuality, it is that we are not porn actresses. We are just regular people with feelings, many of us have insecurities and a need for frequent reassurance of our man's love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyLove8675309

Catherine, your post was so RIGHT ON that I am near tears.

My DH's "problem" with porn has been a cloud in our marriage since we were pregnant with our first child nearly 10 years ago. At least, this is when I first caught him. I can't tell you how many times he's promised to stop and the various ways I've caught him again and again.

It's utterly heartbreaking. I gave up trying to "catch" him, and became silent on the matter. This "don't ask, don't tell" approach has simply delayed dealing with the problem.

What hit my core about Catherine's message is that it is so INSIGHTFUL as to what I didn't realize about porn that is so damaging to a marriage. It's not *just* the hurtful viewing of women other than a man's wife, not to mention satisfying sexual urges with someone other than his wife...it's the unspoken demands/expectations/hopes/desires that enter the marital bed as a result.

Over the years my DH has come up with an unsatiable appetite for outside-the-norm bedroom requests. It started out as simple lingerie, then role-play lingerie, a closet full of stilettos and the like...positions that you cannot imagine...extensive oral and anal requests...now most recently only being able to "finish up" if we are in front of a mirror or I am urinating on him (after quite extensive, yet unsuccessful, attempts on his part to get me to involuntarily "squirt").

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way a prude. In the initial years I really appreciated the variety and attention DH brought to our marital bed. Truthfully, as time has passed, it's not the unusual requests, etc. that even bother me. It's that it's become so obvious that these ideas come not from his heart, or even his head. They come from unrealistic PORN...the ELEPHANT ALWAYS IN OUR BEDROOM.

Can you imagine what it feels like for me to make love to a man whose mind has so blatantly been elsewhere??

His needs within our SEX life have KILLED our LOVE life. We simply cannot fit in the time and energy (with a 9 year old and 5 year old) to have PORN sex more than 1-2 times a week and no other sex is worthy of his time and attention. Men, you complain about not getting enough sex so you watch porn...I WOULD *GLADLY *HAVE SEX *EVERY DAY *IF IT WEREN'T SUCH A PRODUCTION *EACH *AND *EVERY *TIME!! The intimacy has been lost for me. I miss just being naked and exploring each other's bodies...or rolling over in the morning for a quickie before the kids get up. Now it's this position or that, this outfit or that piece of lingerie, should we wrap up on the bathroom tile (so I can pee on the floor) or let him cum all over my face?

So, for you folks thinking there is no harm to porn, you couldn't be more wrong...male or female...you are either kidding yourself or the devil in it hasn't yet made itself visible. We're not enjoying the real-life lovemaking God intended for us. The unreal images of cyber-age, air-brushed, lip-synced porn have invaded our homes and we are sitting like stool pigeons as the vulnerable intimacy of the marriage-union erodes away.

The people in the porn flicks hardly even know each other... much less love each other...and this is exactly how my husband has made me feel about him.


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## txhunter54

Boogsie said:


> However, when I ask she only smoke on cigarette a month, she tends to get slightly defensive.


May have to change cigarette to quilting and ask my wife the same thing. Can she limit her quilting to one day a month?


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## LadyLove8675309

Guys, there's a difference to masterbating (which is a whole 'nother can of worms) and watching porn.

Jack off as much as you wish, but do it with your minds and thoughts of your wife...not after looking at scripted sex acts of strangers.

There's a difference....a HUGE difference.

How would ya'll feel if we were in the bedroom exploring the sexual acts of other men we've been watching and masturbating to...??


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## Enchantment

LadyLove8675309 said:


> Catherine, your post was so RIGHT ON that I am near tears.
> 
> My DH's "problem" with porn has been a cloud in our marriage since we were pregnant with our first child nearly 10 years ago. At least, this is when I first caught him. I can't tell you how many times he's promised to stop and the various ways I've caught him again and again.
> 
> It's utterly heartbreaking. I gave up trying to "catch" him, and became silent on the matter. This "don't ask, don't tell" approach has simply delayed dealing with the problem.
> 
> What hit my core about Catherine's message is that it is so INSIGHTFUL as to what I didn't realize about porn that is so damaging to a marriage. It's not *just* the hurtful viewing of women other than a man's wife, not to mention satisfying sexual urges with someone other than his wife...it's the unspoken demands/expectations/hopes/desires that enter the marital bed as a result.
> 
> Over the years my DH has come up with an unsatiable appetite for outside-the-norm bedroom requests. It started out as simple lingerie, then role-play lingerie, a closet full of stilettos and the like...positions that you cannot imagine...extensive oral and anal requests...now most recently only being able to "finish up" if we are in front of a mirror or I am urinating on him (after quite extensive, yet unsuccessful, attempts on his part to get me to involuntarily "squirt").
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way a prude. In the initial years I really appreciated the variety and attention DH brought to our marital bed. Truthfully, as time has passed, it's not the unusual requests, etc. that even bother me. It's that it's become so obvious that these ideas come not from his heart, or even his head. They come from unrealistic PORN...the ELEPHANT ALWAYS IN OUR BEDROOM.
> 
> Can you imagine what it feels like for me to make love to a man whose mind has so blatantly been elsewhere??
> 
> His needs within our SEX life have KILLED our LOVE life. We simply cannot fit in the time and energy (with a 9 year old and 5 year old) to have PORN sex more than 1-2 times a week and no other sex is worthy of his time and attention. Men, you complain about not getting enough sex so you watch porn...I WOULD *GLADLY *HAVE SEX *EVERY DAY *IF IT WEREN'T SUCH A PRODUCTION *EACH *AND *EVERY *TIME!! The intimacy has been lost for me. I miss just being naked and exploring each other's bodies...or rolling over in the morning for a quickie before the kids get up. Now it's this position or that, this outfit or that piece of lingerie, should we wrap up on the bathroom tile (so I can pee on the floor) or let him cum all over my face?
> 
> So, for you folks thinking there is no harm to porn, you couldn't be more wrong...male or female...you are either kidding yourself or the devil in it hasn't yet made itself visible. We're not enjoying the real-life lovemaking God intended for us. The unreal images of cyber-age, air-brushed, lip-synced porn have invaded our homes and we are sitting like stool pigeons as the vulnerable intimacy of the marriage-union erodes away.
> 
> The people in the porn flicks hardly even know each other... much less love each other...and this is exactly how my husband has made me feel about him.


Ladylove ~

How heartbreaking for you! Your post makes me want to cry. I'm so sorry that it's come to this in your marriage. I don't want this to sound harsh, but, you do not have to be complicit in it - you do not have to participate in the things that make you uncomfortable or that cause you to lose your self-respect. Please don't sit like a stool pigeon - you can take the first steps to stop the erosion if you stand up for what you feel is right. You sound like a wonderful woman who is herself insightful and you should be able to fight for the kind of marriage that YOU want - it should not be all on your husband's terms.

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

Let YOURSELF blossom. I sincerely wish you and yours all the best.


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## Catherine602

Lady why do you continue having sex with him? That I don't understand. You are suffering emotional harm and he is having a good tIme to stop enabling him. 

This is hearsay for men and I will probably get brick bats but he is having sex not making love and that's not what you signed up for. The mirror thing is playing to an imaginary camera. It only 10 yes in I can guarantee you that his request will get more bazaar as he gets bored with theses acts. Threesomes will be next gang bangs and maybe animals who knows. You have got to put a stop to this you are feeding his addiction. 

Stop having sex and tell him why and make an appointment for MC. Be prepared for anything from anger to wanting a divorce so dont do it if you are not ready to follow through. If he refuses to give up the addiction you may have to accept that you marriage is over. He may think that he can go outside of the marriage and get porn sex but he will have to buy it. 

Please stop damaging yourself and by extension doing the same to him. Men who beat the addiction are able to again enjoy mutually satisfying sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kevint

Porn is not destructive to a relationship.My in-laws have been married for over 40 years and my father in-law watches porn always has.I think you should speak of your own experience.If it ruined your relationship then say that but to say that it ruins relationship is just not true at all.I watch porn and my wife could give two s*&% about it.It's not a big deal.I don't think that he should impose what he sees in the movies on his wife though.That's not right.If she's not comfortable doing it then don't harrass her about it.


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## LadyLove8675309

KevinT unless you are in your in-laws bedroom you know nothing of their sexual relationship. Anybody who's been in a relationship knows there are things that go on behind closed doors that is not seem from the outside. Just because a couple has been married a certain number of years says nothing about their relationship. So don't go there...

As for your own relationship, I'll take your word for it...but I wonder if you're so happy in it all why you are on these boards anyway...


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## Syrum

kevint said:


> Porn is not destructive to a relationship.My in-laws have been married for over 40 years and my father in-law watches porn always has.I think you should speak of your own experience.If it ruined your relationship then say that but to say that it ruins relationship is just not true at all.I watch porn and my wife could give two s*&% about it.It's not a big deal.I don't think that he should impose what he sees in the movies on his wife though.That's not right.If she's not comfortable doing it then don't harrass her about it.


If porn is not destructive why are there multiple posts on here every day from men and women who say it's a problem?

Why are marriage counselors now stating that it is one of the top marital issues that they are being faced with by couples?


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## MjLytton

Regardless of how you feel about it and how he feels you two should definitely communicate calmly, trying to understand. 

I hope it works out with you.


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## mrs.rmiller

My husband landed a truck driving job and I gave him a box of porn to watch while he was on the road. This was before we had children. He gave is collection away before we had kids, but it wasn't that big of a deal. He isn't addicted to it in anyway. In the past, we would watch it together. He never had to have it on. It was just something to use to play with and have fun. I also had my toys. When he would watch it on the computer without me, my feelings would be hurt a little. I don't want him to do it behind my back, but I don't care if he watches it during the moment.


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## Keedy

I don't think it because you’re not good for him anymore. Personally I look at porn myself, because DH and I don’t have sex a lot at all. I’m at a point in my life to where I need and want that sexually connection. Looking at porn for me allows me to release a bit. But, if it becomes everyday minute on the minute I think it may be a problem. I hope this helped you from a female prospective.


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## honkytonkwoman

Boogsie said:


> So you are saying, because he is watching porn there is something else going on in their relationship? The same applies to me as well? I know exactly what is going on with me. I have a once-a-day sex drive with a once-a-month wife. For you to imply that there is something else going on in my marriage is absurd.
> 
> Are you saying then, that any woman who owns a vibrator or other sexual aid used for masturbation has something else going on in their relationship?
> 
> My situation is this: If my wife doesn't want me watching porn then she can sleep with me a few times a week. If she doesn't want me watching, well, that is HER problem, just like she tells me my sex drive is MY problem.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honkytonkwoman

I would be interested to know your thoughts on why my H watches porn...I am the one in our relationship who seems to have the higher sex drive and have been ready and willing, yet he has chosen to look at porn three times this week while we have only got it together once?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

LadyLove: your story is heartbreaking  I can not even imagine what it would be like to have that sort of pressure, sexual demands, expectations like that enter your bedroom. Your post is the most well written peice I have ever seen to the potential of destruction it can have on making love & intimacy if a man runs with an addiction to this extreme -wanting to carry out everything he is viewing. I've heard many say this in posts , like Catherine does, but few write it out with the heart you have. That just "grabs" you to another's experience. 

He needs REAL help. There are Addcition forums for this sort of thing - a good place to start for resources & stories of recovery here : 

Porn Addiction Message Board - Powered by XMB

Sexual Addiction Forum

Support Board • Index page

I think you should sit your husband down & have him read this post you have written -so he can FEEL your heart. When you have tried to talk to him, how does he respond ?? 

My husband has only ever liked "soft porn", anything where he feels the woman is being disrespected is a TURN OFF to him. We only watch romantic type stuff (together) , never anything hardcore. 

I have never once felt he wanted anything "special" from watching, it has always been about me, he even prefers it turned off, and I have ALWAYS been the one who took the initiation to dress up , to say "Hey, lets try this tonight", he was happy for MY lead. Sometimes I used to want him TO WANT MORE FROM ME even cause I WANTED him to be more Creative with us -and that bugged me, but after reading your story, I think maybe that might be a blessing! 

I can see that can be a can of worms in some situations- and taken to a VERY unhealthy extreme, destroying something beautiful. 

Your post would make a good blog for this subject somewhere.


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## Lazarus

Syrum said:


> I believe that porn is very bad for relationships. It is bad for sex and if men want to be bad in bed then they should really watch it more.
> 
> I don't think it's wrong to tell your husband that you don't believe he should be watching it.
> 
> I also strongly disagree that if you tell a man not to do something he loves, he will just hide it and continue doing it. Anything that is destructive to your relationship, including watching porn, and anything that is bad for the self esteem of the other should be stopped. That is reasonable.
> If he was flirting with other women, would people say that he can't help it, and will only hide it, so it's better you know about it? NOPE. You have a right to set relationship boundaries, and things you are comfortable with.
> 
> People act like men need porn and they do not. People act like men can't stop themselves from watching it. however that is not true, men no more have to watch porn then they do cheat or lie.
> 
> Porn is bad for men's brains, it is highly addictive, it changes the way men view women, it changes their expectations, and their satisfaction levels. It also changes the way women view themselves and can lower self esteem. It sets unreasonable expectations of women and men in bed and also teaches bad sex moves in the majority of porn.
> 
> The people in porn are real people, most of them are very young and naive and a good deal of women in the sex industry started underage or are the victims of human traficking. Many of the women in the industry are addicted to drugs and often women in the movies are coerced or forced to participate in things they don't want to do.
> 
> Moreover if it does not help sexual intimacy between two people, nor help bonding by introducing third parties, porn included.
> 
> The porn industry has done a good job of convincing people it's OK to take sex and intimacy that should be shared just between two loving people and replace it with fake sex, which IMO does nothing but degrade women and cause sexual problems.


I agree. The very fact that you are here means it is affecting your relationship.

The internet has meant an explosion in porn and the sex industry is booming online. 

Normally decent men that wouldn't go out and seek porn or prostitutes now have it all on tap and readily available in the home, just at a click of a mouse. 

Many social networking sites too have been busted with porn and prostitute rings working within them. 

For some addicted men, it can lead to moving into more obscure areas of porn and then taking the fantasy into reality and online affairs.

You are very right to be wary and as another has said, if he is treating you well, raise the issue about how it makes you feel. If he is treating you badly, you may need marriage counselling. 

He is not fully present in your relationship and it is insulting to think that after you are asleep (post sex) he is getting off (again) online! He may also be doing this when you are out of the house or in another room in the house as you have already found out.

Nip this one in the bud right away. If he listens but, doesn't act to change his upsetting behaviour, then he is totally disrespecting you and any failure to act on his part could be indicative that he cares little about you and your feelings. However, you are in a strong position with your young children. He has a lot to lose if he fails to act to stop you feeling insecure in the relationship, all caused by his online porn. 


Best of luck. Let us know how you get on.


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## Lazarus

honkytonkwoman said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No woman should ever withdraw into themselves and become silent and allow their husband to continue to dump his load over some cyberbabe on the net whilst the other spouse is out, sitting at home, or sleeping.

If it is 10 years on and he ain't listening or acting, he's got a problem. Probably been into the porn since puberty and never let go. It's a destructive behaviour when the other spouse is left feeling bad.


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## wild_irish_rose

Wow! I'm fairly new to TAM and just found this thread but I can't believe how much a couple of the posts have spoken to me! Like LadyLove, my husband got off on fantasies he first developed from what he saw on the computer. I was OK with it when it was dress up and play stripper and talk dirty on all that, but then he started wanting to add another woman to the mix (no way) and worst of all he wanted to act out rape fantasies even though he knew I had been date raped in college so this was very upsetting for me. When I refused to do these things, he got more and more into the online stuff and it got nastier and nastier. I finally confronted him after I found pictures on our computer of women having sex with dogs and horses which REALLY freaked me out. He said at that point he would stop but our browser history and our cable bills have proven otherwise. In the end I guess it was no surprise that he left me after our son was born and I couldn't have sex for a while due to the difficult birth. He simply found himself a woman who was willing to act out his fantasies and they were apparently more important to him than his wife and child.


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## Jayg14

But the internet is for porn!






Sorry, couldn't resist. 

In all seriousness, do you know if he's sexually satisfied? Also, while this is less likely, perhaps he is looking for things to do to spice up your love life?


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## seeking sanity

These are such sad stories. Personally, I see the issue as one of addiction, not porn. You could substitute porn, for alcohol, drugs, love, affairs, shopping, gambling... Pick your poison.

With any addiction, the "high" the addict gets feeds a never satisfied hunger, that just gets worse over time. Addictions by definition never get better on their own. They are virus-like in that they self-perpetuate. Feeding the addiction, just keeps it going.

Assuming that your husband is an addict, you really have only two choices: Live with it and learn to detach. Or intervene, and be willing to leave if he won't seek help. That's the notion of 'rock bottom'.


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