# Trying to gain insight to an Emotional Affair



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I’m really glad to have found this forum as trying to discuss my situation and concerns elsewhere gets mocked in other places.

So here goes:
My boyfriend and I have been exclusive for close to a year and we’ve been dating for about 18 months. I didn’t know that he had unfinished business when we started dating. But by the 6th date, things did start to feel weird. Even so, we did have sex on that date.


This was last summer and he went away for 2 weeks to visit his parents. He seemed rather keen to remind me of his birthday when he got back so I went all out and fixed him a nice meal; bought the exact cake that he wanted. 

A couple things happened that evening that were interesting. One, I noticed 2 condoms in the trash can. In hindsight, I realise that the timing of our last date, his going away and coming back left little time for him to have other action and that he is a very messy person and slow to empty the trash. But at that moment, I thought it was good to ask? Why do you still have 2 condoms in your trash can? His response was to assert the non-exclusivity of our relationship “even though he was not currently seeing anyone else. But if that were to change, he would let me know.” The other thing that was interesting was that even though I spent the night and we slept in the same bed, he didn’t make a move on me.


In August, I went to see my parents for 3 weeks. HE texted me that he was missing me but after that, I had initiated a couple of FB private messages. The last one was to remind him when I was returning and let’s see each other that day (which was a Sunday). 

He hemmed and hawed “what time were you thinking?” I responded that the evening was good and nothing more was done after that. So the day that I returned, he contacted me by FB pm and then by text, so I decided to call him. When he asked me if it was ok for him to see other women but “just as friends”, I realised what was going on. Well, at that point, my memory of things was that we had not talked about exclusivity so, ok. Although he claims that we had.

In September, I found his interest half-hearted so I kept busy doing other things. He did finally ask me out on a proper date later in the month and then mentioned that he had been seeing another woman whom he had dated before we met each other but they were “just friends.” HE then told me that he and she were taking a weekend trip together and then asked me if I wanted to join them. Later on, he claimed not to have asked me that. I also asked if they were getting separate hotel rooms to which he said yes, which was not true. And later on, he claimed to have not said that either. The week before he left, he wanted to see me on Monday. HE then suggested that we go to the cinema when he got back and then tried to get me to buy the tickets. He also said the night before he went that I could call him if I needed him on his cellphone. I asked him, why would I do that.


Ok, we weren’t exclusive. I didn’t need to stop seeing him, I decided but I did need to date around. The first night that he was there he sent me an e-mail telling me that his travel partner had a boyfriend. So finally, I told him he owed me a phone call. The point of his telling me that, he said was so that I wouldn’t worry about what kind of relationship they had and we could continue dating. And to up the ante, he said that it was HER idea to tell me. In reality, it’s not clear to me whose idea it was.


Ok, when he got back he begged me to continue to go out with him. And so I did. We started seeing each other regularly –Saturday nights, sometimes Friday and Sundays. He didn’t say much about this friend. But in his apartment I did find interesting things. For example, receipts for activities dated the day I came back from seeing my parents. I had said that he must have had a date that day, didn’t know when he was going to be finished with his date which is why he never wanted to make advance plans with me. He vehemently denied it but I never mentioned the fact that I saw the receipts. 


He likes going to hear Indie music and we went to a couple concerts together. But there were a couple that he went to without inviting me. I noticed that whenever he mentioned them on his Facebook wall, “this friend” would do a Like. To the point where he mentioned 4 concerts in one entry on his wall, one of which I went to with him, and she did a Like again.
Finally, by Christmas my boyfriend put on his FB profile that he was in a relationship and told me directly that he was in love with me. HE had asked me to spend NYE together but I already had plans to visit my family. HE called me that night. 


Still, though, a few things kept bothering me. HE had talked at Xmas time about the fact that he wanted to travel more and interestingly enough, time slide all the way up to March when I finally said, let’s plan to travel over Easter and he said he wasn’t interested.

He did tell me about plans to go to a heavy metal concert in another country with “a friend” but didn’t tell me who that friend was. I did finally ask who it was. My bf told me his name and noted that they are also FB friends. When I did finally work up the nerve to look at his accounts on his computer, I saw an e-mail to “his friend” in which he mentioned that he was going to the festival with another person, gave her the details but stopped short of suggesting that they met there. She mentioned that she was going to another music festival; would he like to join her? His response: “Probably not going to [that music festival.] Maybe.” 


I finally decided that if he continued to see this woman even if it were every so often, then our relationship was not much better than a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. I was turning down invitations from other men. I finally admitted to him that I saw the receipts dated the day I returned from my trip and that I felt that he was staying in touch with this woman just in case her boyfriend might leave her. He then offered to let me look at his accounts. He had given me a key to his apartment. So a few hours later, I admitted that I had looked. And then he finally let me see the text messages that they had shared with each other over the time that they have known each other ----which is only 3 months longer than he has known me.


I have promised myself not to hassle him any more about this. He and I spend way too much time together for me to think that he ha had a chance to see her. He defriended her on FB as well as the other friend in common. But I notice that more often than not, his e-mail account his logged out when he is not home. 
So I am left with questions and perhaps those who have had experience with this – from either side of the aisle – can give me some insight.


1. What I noticed about the communication (comms) between them, particularly before he met me, is that she was very rude and crude with him. Sometimes, she would start a text message with “*******.” When he would ask her on a date, she would say she didn’t know when she was free “call me back.” I think the coup de grace came, he told me was when she invited him to her b-day picnic and then dissed him the whole he was there (his opinion). Now, why would anyone want to remain friends with someone who treats you like that?


2. He told me that he didn’t find her physically attractive and that he told her after the first time they had sex, he didn’t see an LTR with her. But then he said, they went on to attempt sex two more times. I have seen pictures of her (she has about 300 on her FB account). Either she is extremely unphotogenic or extremely unattractive. So why does a guy try to have sex with someone whom he does not find sexy / attractive?


3. I noticed from the text messages, that he had told her about the condom incident and that we had only had sex once since we started going out. I pointed out to him that he turned down the opportunity to have sex with me on 2 occasions: 1, being the night I fixed his b-day dinner and 2) when I offered to stay at his place coming back from a biking trip. He lives within walking distance of the train station and didn’t offer to meet me on the platform even though my arrival was around 10pm. Effectively, he turned down a booty call that I was offering him.
Yet, this “friend” used that information as reasons why he should stop seeing me. I have told him that he must obviously was contemplating restarting a sexual relationship with her since he turned down these offers from me. I guess there’s no question here, but comments are welcomed.


Okay, maybe that’s enough for now. I am just trying to make sense of this. Especially since I feel that my failed marriage collapsed due to inappropriate behaviour between my ex husband and various females. I want to learn ways to nip these problems in the bud and find habits that will – to the extent possible—discourage these kinds of “friendships.” 

I like that another poster around here pointed out that affairs can start just simply because a marriage partner doesn’t have good boundaries. This could be the case for this guy. Yes, he does talk about marriage. But one thing I learned from the last one, you will never have more power in the relationship than during the period when the other is trying to rush you to the alter.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should say goodbye to him and move on, through out the entire relationship he has treated you as number teo. He pursues her, spends the with, travels with her, but only sees you when she isn't available.

And skipping sex on his birthday? That's just not right. It sounds like either he already had sex with her earlier, or has hoping for later. Either way, he has chosen her over you consistently.

Ok she's fat. He apparently doesn't care. Or perhaps he's into big girls, some men are.

Move on to someone who from the start values you and pursues you, instead of his style of accepting you as plan B.

Cause he is inst one day going to suddenly change. This is who he is. These are his priorities and his wants. You staying around longer won't change that, but it will waste more of your life on him. This is what dating is for btw. Trying people on in a relationship, but moving onto the next when this one doesn't really fit.

You wouldn't buy a jacket that didn't quite fit through the shoulders, don't accept a boy friend who doesn't mske you his priority in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****Ok she's fat. He apparently doesn't care. Or perhaps he's into big girls, some men are.****

I didn't say that she was fat. What made you come to that conclusion?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> ****Ok she's fat. He apparently doesn't care. Or perhaps he's into big girls, some men are.****
> 
> I didn't say that she was fat. What made you come to that conclusion?


Sorry, miss read the stuff about her FB photos where you said she had around 300 as her beng around 300.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Either way, you do appear to be his fall back option, while she appears to be using him for fun when she feels like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Either way, you do appear to be his fall back option, while she appears to be using him for fun when she feels like it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At the moment, he's making the effort to be transparent and he is good to me. I have seen where he has cut off contact from her ie Facebook and IM. I'm posting because I am making sense of what did happen. 

According to this forum, I am allowed to grieve for a while. I just wanted to do it away from my boyfriend.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

Honestly, my very first thought was "Don't you feel way too good for this crap?"

Seriously, this what teenagers and 20-year olds do, not grown wo/men. You've been married before. Honest to God, this man is an adult but acts like a 14-year old. And yes, I know, you can't just turn off feelings but ask yourself, where is this going to go in the long run?
You're technically (somewhat) still in the honeymoon phase and you're already dealing with this. And from your own experience you should know this isn't going to get better. And if it's not with this woman, it may very well be with another one.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He's not interested in making you a priority, just keeping you around as an option. Don't be okay with that. Take your chances with other men, too. You don't have to be exclusive with someone who isn't being exclusive with you. Go out and have fun and maybe you will meet someone who treats you better than this. Make him just an option, too.


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