# Vicious circle



## Machlomkha

Hello, I'm a 42 years old male, married for 8 years now and we have a 5 years old son. Found this forum while searching the title "unhappy marriage" and read some articles here. So I decided to write my story, perhaps I can find a way to refresh the thing lost.
2 years ago, she got a job she loves near our house, it was a nice transition and I supported her all the way. The problem is the work hours, from here it's all ascending. I'm doing all my best to compensate at all steps especially with our son, going to all his events even if I have a full schedule I work I would skip the day, bringing him back home from the after school, cleaning around the house and even cooking as it's a hobby I like so she can come back and find decent food, not the junk food we have to order. Our intimate life has become minimum to none. She comes in, we dine, small talks and she goes right to sleep early. I talked to her and explained many times about this vicious circle we're living, she says I'll do more, but nothing really happens. Last week she asked me if she's neglecting us too much because she saw how our son was so attached to me and wanting me only to be with him, my response was: you're neglecting your son, you don't even try to play with him or even ask how was his day! She promised that night to play rock, scissor, paper his favorite game, she came back, nagged a bit and took a shower and slept. I'm doing my best to chear her up and revive whaf I think is missing, a night out, a date, a weekend at dome resort or some chalet away from the city, nothing happens. I'm a very active person, I like adventures and vibrant life but she does not cope with any of this. Lonliness is all I have especially at night. I don't cheat and my friends are numbered and even if they wanted to do something, we do it here at my place so she could share. I'm really thinking about leaving but I can't. My parents are divorced and I know the feeling of what it could do on our son. I do not want him to experience it. I'm really trying...


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## MattMatt

@Machlomkha She has to do some stuff, too, or it isn't going to work.

Would counselling be an option to explore?


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## Girl_power

What are her work hours? Do you work full time? It seems like she is just tired right? Because she’s not spending her time doing anything else?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

From your post, albeit brief, I surmise you are “just married”, if you catch my pun. I am in the process of reading a very good book, one which the two of you may want to consider reading Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, PhD. You both in my view appear to have issues very similar to the couple in chapter two of the book. The theme of the book is keeping love and intimacy alive in your relationship.

Secondly, find a good marriage counselor. I think with a several sessions and hard work on each of your parts, you can improve your relationship.


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## Machlomkha

MattMatt said:


> @Machlomkha She has to do some stuff, too, or it isn't going to work.
> 
> Would counselling be an option to explore?


Yes @MattMatt, I did suggest counselling but she refused. I went first to ask and get more information about what if the problem could be in me, she asked to see us both. I was a bit depressed myself and got some therapy with positive thinking and mood pills, nothing addictive for a little time. I was very open and told her what I was doing and why.


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## Machlomkha

Girl_power said:


> What are her work hours? Do you work full time? It seems like she is just tired right? Because she’s not spending her time doing anything else?


 @Girl_power, I work full time but money was never an issue. She can choose to stay at home if she wants. She works around 75-78 hours weekly as she wants a career of her own and I fully support and endorse that. I understand that she is definitly tired, that's why I'm helping out in everything I can. She wants to become a partner but on the expense of everything else. The thing that made me reach out and write her is on that night while discussing some stuff, she said "my money", I rechecked and asked how, she insisted on the answer, a new vocabulary which she never used before. I'm the main provider in everything even in our joint account.


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## MattMatt

Machlomkha said:


> Yes @MattMatt, I did suggest counselling but she refused. I went first to ask and get more information about what if the problem could be in me, she asked to see us both. I was a bit depressed myself and got some therapy with positive thinking and mood pills, nothing addictive for a little time. I was very open and told her what I was doing and why.


What other options are open to you, do you think?


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## jlg07

What were her reasons for not wanting to do counseling?
Have you flat out told her that she is gaining her career and losing her family?
She will then be a partner, without you as a partner.


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## Lostinthought61

what is this "my money"? that is bull crap i hope you fix that right away...also you might want to tell her that is breaking at marriage and family worth partnership? in essense it comes down to priorities...what are her's


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## BluesPower

Guys, come on, you know what is going on. 

Why doesn't someone just say it???

I am not doing it this time...


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## manfromlamancha

Do you think she has "other distractions" at work that make this job so special and time consuming for her ?

What is she like with her phone when she is at home ?

Has your sex life taken a serious hit ?


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## badsanta

Machlomkha said:


> She works around 75-78 hours weekly as she wants a career of her own


I've got some friends where one spouse works 75-100 hours a week. Because of that and knowing the dynamics of that marriage, I honestly have no advice. 

I just remember talking to these friends one day and I could not fathom the idea that one wanted kids no matter what, just for one person to not be alone year after year. Now that they have two kids, they claim everything is great. Makes no sense to me....


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## lovelygirl

Machlomkha said:


> Hello, I'm a 42 years old male, married for 8 years now and we have a 5 years old son. Found this forum while searching the title "unhappy marriage" and read some articles here. So I decided to write my story, perhaps I can find a way to refresh the thing lost.
> 2 years ago, she got a job she loves near our house, it was a nice transition and I supported her all the way. The problem is the work hours, from here it's all ascending. I'm doing all my best to compensate at all steps especially with our son, going to all his events even if I have a full schedule I work I would skip the day, bringing him back home from the after school, cleaning around the house and even cooking as it's a hobby I like so she can come back and find decent food, not the junk food we have to order. Our intimate life has become minimum to none. She comes in, we dine, small talks and she goes right to sleep early. I talked to her and explained many times about this vicious circle we're living, she says I'll do more, but nothing really happens. Last week she asked me if she's neglecting us too much because she saw how our son was so attached to me and wanting me only to be with him, my response was: you're neglecting your son, you don't even try to play with him or even ask how was his day! She promised that night to play rock, scissor, paper his favorite game, she came back, nagged a bit and took a shower and slept. I'm doing my best to chear her up and revive whaf I think is missing, a night out, a date, a weekend at dome resort or some chalet away from the city, nothing happens. I'm a very active person, I like adventures and vibrant life but she does not cope with any of this. Lonliness is all I have especially at night. I don't cheat and my friends are numbered and even if they wanted to do something, we do it here at my place so she could share. I'm really thinking about leaving but I can't. My parents are divorced and I know the feeling of what it could do on our son. I do not want him to experience it. I'm really trying...


She doesn't seem to rank the family/kid on the top of her list. The son comes 2nd to her as she's focused on her career now. 
Let's not mention the marriage, which to her is 3rd or 4th to her. 

I think you need to be having a serious talk about priorities and the balance work-family-life. Choose a moment during the weekend, when you know she won't work. Tell her you gotta talk and you want her to be fully concentrated on that quality time with you. 
it'd be better if the son wasn't around so that you can really talk calmly without distractions.


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## She'sStillGotIt

OP, you just described what it's always been like for the overwhelming majority of *working WOMEN*.

Welcome to life as a pack mule. It's not so much fun, is it?

If you ever figure out the miracle resolution for how to get a self-entitled spouse who thinks they're above doing their FAIR SHARE of the work domestically, please let me know. That's a mystery I have yet to see solved in my lifetime.


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## Machlomkha

BluesPower said:


> Guys, come on, you know what is going on.
> 
> Why doesn't someone just say it???
> 
> I am not doing it this time...


 @BluesPower, it's much worse than infedility, it's MONEY.


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## Machlomkha

manfromlamancha said:


> Do you think she has "other distractions" at work that make this job so special and time consuming for her ?
> 
> What is she like with her phone when she is at home ?
> 
> Has your sex life taken a serious hit ?


 @manfromlamancha no distractions, even her phone calls is to employees to do of fix stuff, nothing in particular. Her time on the phone is just work, not chat.


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## Spicy

I would be concerned that she is getting her ducks in a row to leave you.


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## Betrayedone

My X preferred her job to our marriage. You are heading down the same path. Be ready


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## farsidejunky

Maybe just say something along the lines of:

"Wife, it's clear I am no longer a priority to you, and I accept it. Moving forward, it's best we focus on cohabitation as I can no longer give to someone who can't reciprocate."

Then...

Stop asking her for things.

Stop initiating dialogue, or sex.

Stop meeting her needs.

Focus only on your child. 

When she wants to vent about her day, asks you to open the pickle jar, or anything that does not involve your child, hold your hand up and tell her you don't feel like doing it, and go back to what you were doing.

Even if she begs, pleads, promises, etc., tell her that it is hard to hear her words when her actions say something entirely different. 

Make her work for it. 

Stop making it easy for her to take you for granted. 





Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## aquarius1

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe just say something along the lines of:
> 
> "Wife, it's clear I am no longer a priority to you, and I accept it. Moving forward, it's best we focus on cohabitation as I can no longer give to someone who can't reciprocate."
> 
> Then...
> 
> Stop asking her for things.
> 
> Stop initiating dialogue, or sex.
> 
> Stop meeting her needs.
> 
> Focus only on your child.
> 
> When she wants to vent about her day, asks you to open the pickle jar, or anything that does not involve your child, hold your hand up and tell her you don't feel like doing it, and go back to what you were doing.
> 
> Even if she begs, pleads, promises, etc., tell her that it is hard to hear her words when her actions say something entirely different.
> 
> Make her work for it.
> 
> Stop making it easy for her to take you for granted.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Been there. Done that. Warned him that he would have a nice house, but no marriage to put inside it. Deaf ears.
I did it wrong.

FSJ has it right.

Make her feel the weight of doing it all alone.

When you get older, you realize that all the money, granite countertops and cars weren’t worth losing the one person you decided to go on this adventure with.
Sometimes it’s too late by the time you see it.

Do the 180. Chances are it will cure it or end it.
As others have said, you have to be willing to lose it in order to regain it.


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## SunCMars

Spicy said:


> I would be concerned that she is getting her ducks in a row to leave you.


And her clucks in disarray when she speaks to you.

All those hours away from home....

The women is invested in her work and has divested of you and her boy.

She sounds like she is a work-a-holic and finds her time away from home more rewarding than that time spent at home.

At work she is a boss, at home she is a wife, a mother, neither seemingly rewarding.

Or, so it seems...

She may have acted differently if she had a daughter, not a son. 
She cannot relate, nor compete with the baby daddy.

Or, so it seems.

Not all women are maternal, nor should they be.

At work she is a person, at home she is a woman, a wife, a sex partner, not superior, just equal....at best.




Lilith-


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