# Please xxx this is not attention seeking .... I really want to end it all



## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I’ve been on and off here since 2012 i think.

Divorce coming final soon. I am feeling so down and alone. I’m drunk on a beautiful Australian afternoon. I’m sitting on my balcony and thinking “ how the f. Did I get here?”

My life is worse than the worst life imaginable. I would jump in front of a train today but I just would feel sorry for the train driver and wouldn’t want to make him feel bad. Will I ever feel normal again?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You will, unless you don't stick around to find out. You may want to go see your doctor and tell him or her how you are feeling. Drinking never helps with depression. It makes it worse. Whatever you need to do to survive, do it. Otherwise, you will not see how good life can be, with or without someone else in it. You'll never see how you can love another, how you can feel better, how you can live your life as you want, how you were held back and now you can be free. It takes time to see all of these things. Will you give yourself all the time you need and realize these moments pass? That's ultimately up to you. It's never a waste of time to wait. Oddly enough, you will feel better in a little while, once you get through this short period of time. You can notice how much better you feel, if you let yourself. I think you should give yourself that chance. Seek out some help from your doctor. Learn that life is good. 

You see, now it's difficult to understand or believe that could ever happen, but it can. Decide to give yourself that chance, as many times as necessary, because things will get better. 

I happen to be fly by poster, and not a doctor, but I believe I've been in a similar tough spot as you. Give yourself as many chances as you have those thoughts. It can't beat you. 


List of International Suicide Hotlines | International Bipolar Foundation


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Call a crisis counselor now!
@EleGirl
@MattMatt


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I can’t. Others I won’t be able to work. I’m a nurse. I’m absolutely fine when I’m working. But appreciate your advice. I would advise the same x


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

@itskaren - one day at a time, break it down to 1 hour @ a time. There have been times where it seemed like I was facing insurmountable pain & despair. Personally, I prayed & asked Jesus into my life. I started going to church & reading ALOT. By focusing on something other than what was causing me pain, it got me thru each day.

Please don't take permanent action for temporary pain. It will get better. As a nurse, can you on your off time go to the NICU and hold babies for a while? Take 20 minutes and give comfort to someone else. By giving you will receive.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes you will get through it, and you will feel good again, if you feel very depressed then see a doctor and get some meds if you need to. I cant see why you wouldn't be able to work when taking them, millions do. 
Don't drink, that will not solve anything and will only make you feel worse.

Maybe some counselling would help? Try and get out and about, got for walks, a run, to the gym, meet friends, go swimming. Exercise is very good for depression.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Divorce hurts and can seem like the end of the world. You will feel normal again but temporary medication to help you get through the process might be something to consider.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

itskaren said:


> I’ve been on and off here since 2012 i think.
> 
> Divorce coming final soon. I am feeling so down and alone. I’m drunk on a beautiful Australian afternoon. I’m sitting on my balcony and thinking “ how the f. Did I get here?”
> 
> My life is worse than the worst life imaginable. I would jump in front of a train today but I just would feel sorry for the train driver and wouldn’t want to make him feel bad. Will I ever feel normal again?


Please Google suicide prevention Australia. And go to your hospital.

And I know where you are as in my darkest moments I have felt the same as you. Medication helped me.

We are all here for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> @itskaren - one day at a time, break it down to 1 hour @ a time. There have been times where it seemed like I was facing insurmountable pain & despair. Personally, I prayed & asked Jesus into my life. I started going to church & reading ALOT. By focusing on something other than what was causing me pain, it got me thru each day.
> 
> Please don't take permanent action for temporary pain. It will get better. As a nurse, can you on your off time go to the NICU and hold babies for a while? Take 20 minutes and give comfort to someone else. By giving you will receive.





My faith certainly helped me get through it. The belief that God was going to restore what I had had ripped away from me. That he was there with me in that very very dark tunnel.


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## Rejectedliver (Jan 1, 2019)

I went to a website that had the statistic for ppl who want to end it all the failure rates of different methods and the consquences if the method failed It was so interesting and put me off that i stop wanting to end it all the thiught if botching it was pretty horribke BUT if u still feel the need please try any of the phone ciuncelling services


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I know it's bad when you can't imagine a way out. But there is always a way out. It doesn't mean that everything just goes back to how it was but there is always a way out. Strength will come. Change will come. You'll see the way out and sometimes you need courage to take it. But if you don't see it today you will.

Along with getting the help that you need, try to focus on the little things. The beautiful afternoon. Taking care of your pet or your plants or cleaning the bathroom. Take a walk. Feel the warm sun on your face.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

JustTheWife said:


> I know it's bad when you can't imagine a way out. But there is always a way out. It doesn't mean that everything just goes back to how it was but there is always a way out. Strength will come. Change will come. You'll see the way out and sometimes you need courage to take it. But if you don't see it today you will.
> 
> Along with getting the help that you need, try to focus on the little things. The beautiful afternoon. Taking care of your pet or your plants or cleaning the bathroom. Take a walk. Feel the warm sun on your face.


Thank you all for your replies. I feel so much better . I have never been in such a dark place as I was a couple of days ago. I am never going to get like that again. 

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

I’m in the same place. Going through the D. So hard. If I can’t give up neither can you.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

itskaren said:


> Thank you all for your replies. I feel so much better . I have never been in such a dark place as I was a couple of days ago. I am never going to get like that again.
> 
> Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.


I just joined this forum so I don't know you well. As a nurse, you must know that you need more help than just this forum. If you are having these thoughts, you need to see your doctor now. Some medication may be helpful short term. Counseling would also be a good idea. 

I hope you seek out the help that is available.

Good luck.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As others have said, if you are thinking of taking your life, please contact a suicide hotline.

The world is full of nice people. You may not meet them all the time, but they are there. Until you take your final breath, there is always hope to have a good life. 




itskaren said:


> I’ve been on and off here since 2012 i think.
> 
> Divorce coming final soon. I am feeling so down and alone. I’m drunk on a beautiful Australian afternoon. I’m sitting on my balcony and thinking “ how the f. Did I get here?”
> 
> My life is worse than the worst life imaginable. I would jump in front of a train today but I just would feel sorry for the train driver and wouldn’t want to make him feel bad. Will I ever feel normal again?


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## habc (Aug 24, 2013)

Hey , Ive been here and I know first hand. Find me on here for my story, Will you feel normal, you will feel better than ever. I promise that. I had a noose around my neck, f the train. I have 3 beautiful kids. You have been on here as long as I, you need to move on, I fought to do it and I did. I broke through. I was living on a motoryacht when I met her, well I went and bought another and im living my life like she was never there. my kids are getting older and I have 2 who really dont care now. One year ago I suffered a massive stoke and almost died anyway. Im 48 well that wakes you up. life is short dude. Ill tell ya yes I have a crutch, i drink but I drink at home. No threat to anyone and i never get drunk. Call it a crutch but Life is life and Im fine . Ive had some great girlfriends but I dont even want to bother sometimes. I keep reminding myself people arent monogamous anyway so even if youve been married for 40 years youve had dark dark days , dont fool yourself about that love forever dream, doesnt happen. 2 is more accurate. one when young and one when older , you need to live now. We all have dreams, get your balls and take some risks to have fun


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

itskaren said:


> Thank you all for your replies. I feel so much better . I have never been in such a dark place as I was a couple of days ago. I am never going to get like that again.
> 
> Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.


I am so happy to read this. I've not been in as dark a place as you but I have battled mild depression and anti depressants and exercise help tremendously. Which, it's really hard to get yourself to exercise when you are depressed but if you can think of it like medicine - just a long walk in the sunshine maybe - it's amazing how much it helps.

SO GLAD you're doing better. Watch the drinking too - you're a nurse, you already know this. But you're also a human being and some of these things are easier said than done. Bottom line - it does get better. It gets much better. Whatever you're feeling right now is NOT what you're going to be feeling a month, a year, 10 years from now. ♥♥♥


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