# Please....just give me your male opinion on this !!



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Please, please, please !!!!!! 

I really need your male opinion on my guy's behavior......

It's a long post, but maybe that way you can form an opinion better....

Summary.....(ex?)husband has asked for a divorce on Labor Day weekend "I don't love you anymore, only as the mother of my children".....said it was all due to me ignoring his pleading for me to change my inability to handle money (debt), not furthering my career, not having sex enough, letting myself go and keeping the house a "pig sty" (over-exaggerated) ......I've made major improvements already (except with the money, that's only going slowly).....

He wanted a civil divorce (he signs, I sign, he goes to court, judge signs....divorced)....

For the next couple of months he gave me bits of hope only to shut them down right after.....he was nice to me (hope) only to be presenting me with the decree shortly after and when I hesitated to sign he would try to pressure me....all that over and over for about 3 months.....

One day in December I found cell phone pics of a half naked tattooed skank on his PC (thanks to our 3-year old) and everything all of a sudden made sense.....the texting, the divorce request out of the f***ing blue.....

I was livid, but wouldn't reveal my knowledge just yet.....

A couple of days later after him trying to pressure me to sign again I had it and told him I knew about her and that I found the pics....he just said "Nothing with me in it !!!".....

I was so upset I wrote a last letter telling him what I love about him, what I was sorry for, and that I am making those changes even if we're not together.....and I told him that I always loved him and always will.....

He read the letter and seemed depressed after it...

On his birthday shortly after I bought him his favorite Greek food, a cake and put it with the signed divorce decree on his desk....he was confused and didn't say a word...

The days after that were bad because we had to put down our dog, we were both comforting each other and were really close....too close

Ever since then his behavior has been very odd....at first depressed and sad....now nice, sweet and caring towards me....

He spends all his free time with our boys and doesn't have his phone on him all the time anymore, even told me one night where it was, when I thought I heard him getting a text, so I could check it.....no *apparent* texting or F***booking anymore....

He took us to my favorite restaurant, he bought me a favorite snack, he keeps asking me if I need help with my college homework, if I'll be home for dinner....we're talking so much more and are laughing a lot with each other.....

We're still having sex once in a while....every time is very passionate and we fall asleep holding each other.....he sometimes holds my hand while falling asleep

Even my friends and co-workers noticed his changed behavior and were working it out.....

I keep wrecking my brain about what could be going on ????

I've not seen the final judgment of dissolution of our marriage yet....so I don't even know if we're divorced yet.....

We haven't told the kids anything yet.....(we still live together)....

Yesterday when he left for work I said "Stay safe !!! And I don't care what you say but *I love you* !!!"....he just answered the stay safe part with "as always"....

Then today I gave him a hug and thanked him for the great shower (which he initiated and ended in bed) we had together on Wednesday ....something we would do when everything was good in our marriage....he just patted my back  and I said "Well thanks, I don't bite" and then he gave me an overly tight hug.....

What is he doing ???

Am I going to fast for him if he's thinking about reconciling or is it really just the sex ???

But if so, why hasn't he told the boys yet, why has he not kicked me out yet, why haven't I seen the final "You are divorced now" papers yet, why am I still on his health insurance (got the new cards a week ago) if he knew he wanted to divorce me ???? 

He's turned into exactly the man he used to be before Labor Day weekend.....loving, sweet....just perfect.....but this hot and cool....I want you but don't talk about love kind a thing....I don't understand it.....:scratchhead:

What could that be ??? 

I really need some male opinion on this.....you know your species better than anyone.....

I need to figure out what to do.....:scratchhead:

*PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!*​


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I had to hazard a guess, the divorce demand was not made primarily to leave the marriage but as a threat to gain leverage to get something he wanted (I'm guessing more sex and attention). Once you signed it, he lost it's value as a threat. He was confronted with the reality of actually losing his family and realized life wasn't so bad, especially because the threat achieved it's intent....you did pay him more attention. 
A second possibility involves the skank-in-question. He might have convinced himself that the only thing standing between him and a skank-hookup was a divorce from you. Once you signed it, skank may have informed him that she had no intention of hooking up with him, with or without a divorce. Either way, it sounds like he's concluded that life at home aint so bad.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> If I had to hazard a guess, the divorce demand was not made primarily to leave the marriage but as a threat to gain leverage to get something he wanted (I'm guessing more sex and attention). Once you signed it, he lost it's value as a threat. He was confronted with the reality of actually losing his family and realized life wasn't so bad, especially because the threat achieved it's intent....you did pay him more attention.
> A second possibility involves the skank-in-question. He might have convinced himself that the only thing standing between him and a skank-hookup was a divorce from you. Once you signed it, skank may have informed him that she had no intention of hooking up with him, with or without a divorce. Either way, it sounds like he's concluded that life at home aint so bad.


Would be great either way.....but....why is he resuming the close attention to the bedroom then ???

He is sweet, nice and funny all day with me....we laugh and talk like we used to....

But hugs and kisses....only in the bedroom.....no "I love you"s.......yet ?!?!

Although he was trying to feed me something one day in the kitchen that I didn't want....you know that playful kinda thing.....but that was all of the affection outside of the bedroom..... :scratchhead:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Simple: the OW dumped his sorry a**!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Simple: the OW dumped his sorry a**!


:rofl:

He doesn't really have the OW. What he had was EA. (Not yet got a chance to even show the OW his axx)!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Okay, she shot his sorry a** down!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Simple: the OW dumped his sorry a**!


That would be great !!!!!!!

Now he could work on being with me again....

If that was the case why the mix between hot and cold ???


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> Would be great either way.....but....why is he resuming the close attention to the bedroom then ???
> 
> He is sweet, nice and funny all day with me....we laugh and talk like we used to....
> 
> ...


He's a healthy man who also has sexual needs, especially after you kept hugging, kissing, flirting, telling him, "I love you," all day showing him yourself needing him badly...

How would a healthy man pretend to ignore those signals?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> That would be great !!!!!!!
> 
> Now he could work on being with me again....
> 
> If that was the case why the mix between hot and cold ???


Rome, I trust you're a very faithful wife. So you don't really know how complicated an emotional affair is.

You've been posting the same topics in many different threads, but you don't want to ask him directly if he put the paperwork on hold.

We all know you don't want to divorce. It's just your impulsive mistake.

If you want to work things out, why don't you face the real issue and seek reconciliation, instead of playing all this flirting things with him, making yourself an ex wife with benefit to attract him?

It's very dangerous because you might get even more hurt from it. Many people have adviced you to find out the truth & seek reconciliation. 

You have the right direction for you to approach & work things out. It's not a good idea go on guessing & continue flirting with him, making yourself even more confused, which won't give you any right answers. 

In fact, I'm afraid that you will lose your last dignity if in the end you must face the truth of divorce.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> He's a healthy man who also has sexual needs, especially after you kept hugging, kissing, flirting, telling him, "I love you," all day showing him yourself needing him badly...
> 
> How would a healthy man pretend to ignore those signals?


Alright....I have to clarify this....

I've hugged him maybe 5 times in the last 5 months....

He's been kissing me....I didn't initiate it at all....but all in bed....

I'm not at all flirting....just being nice....really !!!

My "I love you"s as well....maybe 5 in the last 5 months....

I've tried quite a few times to be "cool" and react to his questions nice but cool....

He is the one that keeps making me laugh and who initiates sex....


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> Alright....I have to clarify this....
> 
> I've hugged him maybe 5 times in the last 5 months....
> 
> ...


Sorry, my bad.
He has a sexual need & you're not showing yourself needy, but simply responsed to his needs.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Sorry, my bad.
> He has a sexual need & you're not showing yourself needy, but simply responsed to his needs.


He's not the only one with sexual needs  ....

I would love to go 180 but it's hard to do that living under the same roof 

I will check out the status of the paperwork next week....

I can't live like this much longer as I initially thought....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In the back of your mind, remember this...

Men never like to see a door close.

I am sorry to be the person that posted this.

It's true.

Keep it in mind.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> He's not the only one with sexual needs  ....
> 
> I would love to go 180 but it's hard to do that living under the same roof


In this case, you can't say he's hurting you more for having sex with you...

It's getting complicated. A divorced couple, living together, have sex to satisfy each other without any reconciliation?

Maybe this is the foreplay of how a couple start their reconciliation???:scratchhead:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> In this case, you can't say he's hurting you more for having sex with you...
> 
> It's getting complicated. A divorced couple, living together, have sex to satisfy each other without any reconciliation?
> 
> Maybe this is the foreplay of how a couple start their reconciliation???:scratchhead:


Now you understand how I feel :scratchhead: ?!?!?! 

:rofl:


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You've been living with your husband for many years, but it seems lots of guessing that you know very little about him...
Is he a very mysterious guy? I still believe you have the right to reject him if he didn't even think about reconciliation, and he didn't put anything on hold, either!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You don't have to guess since you guys still live together. Can't you just ask him tonight if he has put the divorce on hold because there's no response from the court?
So you can stop confusing yourself and you know if you want to have sex with him or no if he initiates.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Allow me to play devil's advocate, and let my notorious imagination go to work here.

I still say that things didn't work out the way he wanted them to with the OW, and maybe he woke up to the realization that he could lose everything in a divorce, so he's trying to stop it...

...or, he's sometimes cold with you because you represent the demise of his cake-eating fantasy. He may be biding his time until he meets someone new, and next time, he's gonna get it right.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

Marriage counseling.

NOW

Others have said he was likely in an affair.

I don't have a lot of experience with that other than what I read on the forums - but all the signs seem to be there. If that's the case, having unprotected sex with him can expose you to an STD.

Either way, you can't go on like this...the sex lure will not last forever.


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## Big Bear (Feb 11, 2010)

Wow, I'm really on the other side of this one. And please know that this post in not meant to be aggressive or an attack on you. In fact I was just ready to back out of it when I read the title so I figured why not. As I was reading I got the firm impression that you are unaware of the large role you are responsible for in this. I'm going to use your words to show you how I got this impression so please correct any misunderstandings on my part. 
"it was all due to me ignoring his pleading for me to change my inability to handle money (debt), not furthering my career, not having sex enough, letting myself go and keeping the house a "pig sty" (over-exaggerated) ......I've made major improvements already (except with the money, that's only going slowly)....."

Weather you ignored him or not isn't the point. The point is at one time he felt that way and may have been reaching out to you then. And it sounds like you put some effort into changing which is great but if you're only changing the symptoms your missing the diagnosis. By that I mean he may have said "you're ignoring my pleading" and you may have heard "the kitchens is a mess". Hopefully he in concerned about you gaining weight from a health perspective because otherwise that's just disrepectful so unless your guy is Brad Pitt or of equal value you may want to direct him to a mirror and a muzzle. He married you, not your shell. Either way there seems to be a big gap between what's being said and what's being heard. 

"He wanted a civil divorce" - There is only civil court. There is no civil divorce. If you consider someone serving you with divorce papers as a motivational tool, thats a foolish bet to take. He may want a civil divorce, messy divorce, whatever. He's still telling you he wants a divorce.

"For the next couple of months he gave me bits of hope only to shut them down right after.....he was nice to me". 
You guys are going through a divorce, finding and creating a separate life and a new identity away from the man you married and your children's dad. He is doing the same while you are still living together. Emotions are gonna hit each end of the spectrum several times unless the two of you are robots. 

"On his birthday shortly after I bought him his favorite Greek food, a cake and put it with the signed divorce decree on his desk....he was confused and didn't say a word..."
Even if you wanted a divorce, and even if your husband is a jerk, why you would do on his birthday is beyond me. And trust me, just because he didn't say a word doesn't mean he didn't hear any. That was a classless move on your part. 

You seem to be confused over mixed signals being sent in your sex lives. I can certainly understand that, but it may not be as complicated you think. I think men's frequent desire for sex often overshadows their desire (and need) for intimacy. Think about it, if I'm in our locker room after a hockey game I can look over at any one of the boys and say "did you see that blond in the third row, lemme tell ya what I'd do to her....". But I may get some odd looks if I roll out with "I would give anything for her to gently rub the back of my neck". It's just not manly and you know how were are that way. Also, as a red-blooded American male one thing I love to do is have sex with women. For the last twelve years that role has beed filled by my wife. As anyone who has been committed to one person for even a little while can tell you, sex will inevitably become stale which is why a healty sex life is critical in the survival of a marriage. Same goes for communicating your sexual needs. I love the fact that the person I go to for horney animal sex is the same person I turn to for sensual companionship. She knows my needs because I tell her. It's also easier for me to understand the times when I'm horney as hell and the wife doesn't want me in the same hemisphere as her. The only reason I even metion that is because it sounds like you two have no communication. Your husband, who presumably is also a red blooded American male, likes to have sex. And you are the person he has sex with so that is why you are having sex. So that's the simple part. The question you may want to consider may be more directed what kind of sex are you involving yourself in. Could be your husband is reaching out to you in the form of physical effection. Could be he want's to get some and you are the closest viable option. Without open lines it's pretty tough to know. 

"He's not the only one with sexual needs ....". 
Nope, and you're not the only one with emotional ones. If your gonna expect someone to change, you better be prepared to make some of your own changes. And not "I'm working on it" kinda change. I mean actual change. The two are night and day and when you said "I would love to go 180 but it's hard to do that living under the same roof" my first reaction was that's total bull****. When you find something you want to change for your true self, something that you see and think 'that is not who I am, and not the person I want my children to emulate' then I would love to see any living arrangement keep you from making that change. Instead you are putting down your own roadblocks so you don't have to address your contribution to the failing marriage. 

And finally, on to the other woman. I'm gonna give you some advice that will be near impossible subscribe to, but hear me out. You need to let that go. Immediately. Your husband is either cheating on you or he is not. If he is, then I promise it will be revealed soon enough and with the divorce already under way. If this is the case then he has probably been seperated from you in his head for quite a while and feels little loyalty to the marriage. However, if he has remained faithful thus far that counts for something and for you to spend the last breath of your relationship obsessing over a woman that was never a threat in the first place would just be a shame. She sounds like a symptom, not the problem and the energy you spend on her detracts from the things in your life that would much better serve you. 
I'm saying this to you because I'm coming from a place very similar to yours. Not long ago my wife could have posted something similar to yours. For years she pointed out changes she wanted to see in me. Things that would have made me a better person and by extention a better husband. I ignored them of course because if she knew how trivial her requests were she never would have made them. Then I resented her for withdrawing, and she became untrustworthy and because of that I felt vindicated and thus a destructive cycle was born. She was unresponsive to my attempt to salvage the marriage and for that I began to prepare for the mental tsunami that was near. Did you see what I did there? She says, please change this for me and I dismiss it as petty. You think it was petty to her? Not a chance. Then with that gap between us I ask her to change to better the marriage and predictably she is resistant so I become resentful to her for a pattern I started. From my perspective I thought, I'm a good father, a loyal friend, and a faithful husband and she is subversive and hides things from me so I have every right to be pissed. As if those conditions allowed me to excuse my own short comings. It's embarrasing, especially when you consider the fact that she is a great person with faults like everyone else. It wasn't until I started to make some little changes. You know, the petty ones she was asking about. No credit to myself, I just followed the advice of someone who I know to be smarter than me. But a funny thing happened in making little changes (I mean little changes). I learned, and am still learning a valuable lesson. It's not the what, it's the why. Simple example would be her asking me to clean the kitchen. That's the what. Well I don't want to so I didn't. Had I heard the why I would have realized she just needed help. She works, cares for our three kids, basically runs the show in this house and she needs my help. Again, I can point the finger at her and be justified in doing so but my role is always present. Plus it's hard for me to remember what a pain in the ass it must be to be married to me. So if I'm gonna sit here and tell you what a great husband and father I am, I better damn sure be aware of the fact that I'm stubborn, arrogant, isolated, and opinionated just to name a few. I mean sometimes you can't tell me it's day time without me giving a skeptical glance. Then a funnier thing happened. My wife began to hear the things I have been trying to tell her, as I tried to hear more of the "whys". Not that I tried anything different or tried any harder, things just change when two people work tword a common goal. Momentum is a two way street and is about as predictible as lighting and acts the same, it follows the path of least resistance. As a result my wife looks different to me today. Now we are a positive example to our kids instead of working out custody agreements. Again, I hope these words find you as intended and not as an attack, but if my experience can be help someone gain some intraspective it's hard not to share. I'll end this by addressing the question you ended with. 

"I really need some male opinion on this.....you know your species better than anyone.....

I need to figure out what to do"

Whoever you are, be that person. You obviously have some amazing qualities, otherwise nobody would agree to spend a lifetime with you in the first place. I would guess some of your best qualities are noticed my many but have been neglected by yourself. Embrace them and become the change that you want to see and you will never be caught off-gaurd. I truely wish the best for both of you and your family. 

Bear


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It is apparent that trust remains a significant issue in your relationship. Neither of you really know who the other is. Does that make sense?

You indicated that you ignored him and what he needed from the relationship ... for years.

Not until he actually took the steps to leave you did you take serious steps to change. He doesn't trust that what you are doing will impact your life together for the better - _but I think he wants to believe that._ But he also doesn't want to be played for a sucker.

You discovered that he was having an emotional affair. His feelings for you run hot and cold. You don't know what to trust as genuine.

Your marriage currently has no foundation. The only way it gets one is if you both make that decision together and decide how to start rebuilding trust for one another.

My ex and I acknowledged that this is the step that would be necessary for us to reconcile. What became glaringly apparent was that neither of us was prepared to make that step. We don't trust one another. End of story. Can't build anything positive whatsoever without that crucial element.


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