# Treating men like men or babies



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I read a man on here saying that his wife treats him like a baby, not like a man. 

What does it mean to treat a man like a man versus a baby? Don’t men like to be taken care of in a womanly/maternal way? 

I would like men’s opinions on how they like to be treated In a marriage/long term relationship.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I like to be treated like a partner. Through out our marriage we have both had health issues, job changes, moves, a child, etc. In it all, we work together to support each other and come out better off. We have taken turns being the primary earner or caretaker.

I cook, she cleans, I take our son to school, she picks him up. Balance, with fluctuations over time.

----

I think when it comes to women treating men like children, there is a dynamic where a lot of men are in perpetual boyhood. It creates a situation where the woman has to assume the role of a mother. I am sure there are cases where some women just do that, as well, but it seems like both sides would be at fault.

Initially, it might be fun for the guy to get treated that way, so long as there is still sex, and little expectation. However, over time, the attraction will die, expectations will rise, women will resent being forced into the role, and men will as well. Both blaming the other for their plight.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I read a man on here saying that his wife treats him like a baby, not like a man.
> 
> What does it mean to treat a man like a man versus a baby? Don’t men like to be taken care of in a womanly/maternal way?
> 
> I would like men’s opinions on how they like to be treated In a marriage/long term relationship.


A partnership works best in my book. Each partner has certain tasks expected of them, and they do those tasks & appreciate the other for doing theirs.

Basic politeness governs communications between spouses. Make requests, not complaints. You didn't marry a servant, or a parent. Respect your partner's space and their time. Neither spouse owes the other anything except fidelity and honesty. 

The golden rule is also another guideline: treat your spouse how you want to be treated. And trust eachother until one of you gives the other a reason not to.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

As long as the division of labor is equitable then I am happy in terms of maintaining the household. If I feel like it is unequal what I generally do is remember when she did something I hate. That sorts me out.

I hate living with my mom I can’t stand it. So I definitely don’t want someone to behave like my mom.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I make fun of this when I see it on TV (or see wives treat their husbands this way though this is more sad). The basic assumption of incompetence is the difference:

The poor man can't cook for himself.
He's not going to know how to change a diaper, feed a baby, or just do the basic day to day care of a child so I'll do it for him.
He won't know how to contact or handle the appointment with the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, or school function so I do that.
He won't _really_ do the laundry or iron or clean. At least not right.
A wife / SO can do these things but she should be doing them from a source of caring and regard and not with a condescending or resentful attitude.

I've trained my kids (both girls) to make fun of those things as well. I'll catch them doing stuff like rolling their eyes and saying sarcastically, "yeah, you'll have to do the cooking because boys don't know how to work a stove." or "I'm sure dad wouldn't know what to do if he had to hang out with his _daughter_." I did most of the cooking before the split and on weekends I generally didn't have much to do other than take the kids to the park or do stuff with them if I didn't have yard work to do.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Hiner112 said:


> I make fun of this when I see it on TV (or see wives treat their husbands this way though this is more sad). The basic assumption of incompetence is the difference:
> 
> The poor man can't cook for himself.
> He's not going to know how to change a diaper, feed a baby, or just do the basic day to day care of a child so I'll do it for him.
> ...


I had a friend who told me his dad was legendary for never changing a diaper, and he himself intentionally changed diapers poorly a couple times so that his wife never asked him to do it again. 

I couldn't go along with intentionally being a huge screw up like that! I guess I have too much pride?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

TomNebraska said:


> I had a friend who told me his dad was legendary for never changing a diaper, and he himself intentionally changed diapers poorly a couple times so that his wife never asked him to do it again.
> 
> I couldn't go along with intentionally being a huge screw up like that! I guess I have too much pride?


Avoiding it seems so childish to me. If your manhood is threatened by women's work or changing a diaper is too gross, how manly are you? Really?

In my (adult) house when the bodily fluids started flying, I was the one that was going to be dealing with it. In my childhood home my dad did yard work while my mom did laundry on Saturday but at no point was I under the impression that this was more than practical.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think there are still a fair number of men who really like the idea of their partner taking care of them in every way. They really do enjoy - possibly even expect or feel entitled to - having their wife do everything at home and with the children, perhaps also while holding down a full-time job of her own. 

What's not to love about coming home to a sparkling house, well-occupied children, a hot meal, clean clothes, and a full bank account? And not having had to do any work towards any of those except the last one? And sex, too!?! Who wouldn't sign up for that? 

The problem is, that dynamic doesn't really work well, long-term. She's not his mom. Chances are quite good that she doesn't enjoy being stuck in the roll of his mom. Another child you have to parent is not what most women want from their partner and will eventually resent it. And, just as importantly, a lot of those same men who want her to act like mom also eventually resent her treating him like the slightly incompetent man-child he's made himself out to be so that she'll take care of everything. 

A parent-child dynamic is not sexy as a lifestyle (unless you're _really_ into that kind of thing...). It's also a breeding ground for resentment on both sides. Resentment is _also_ not sexy. So, you wind up with lots of resentment and not a lot of sex. Then everybody's mad and nobody is getting laid.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I don't need someone to take daily care of me or the house. I need someone who knows thise times when I do need taken care of if that makes sense.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yes. Breast feed us like crazy!!!!😋


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Yes. Breast feed us like crazy!!!!😋


I mean....yeah!! Who doesn't like boobs???


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

OT alert.

My kids saw a joke on TV about someone drinking breast milk. They made the mistake of looking at me and asking if I had ever tasted it. "Every man that is still with his woman after the birth has tasted it. Every. Single. One." Moment of confusion and then disgust / horror as they connected the dots.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

As others have said, the difference is respect and the assumption of competence.

“I have to take care of you because you’re not competent enough to effectively take care of yourself” = mom/child dynamic = bad.

“I realize that you are a competent man whom I respect, and who is fully capable of managing his own life and needs very well; but I love you, I’m in love with you and want to do you things for you to show it” = man/woman dynamic = good.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I read a man on here saying that his wife treats him like a baby, not like a man.
> 
> What does it mean to treat a man like a man versus a baby? Don’t men like to be taken care of in a womanly/maternal way?
> 
> I would like men’s opinions on how they like to be treated In a marriage/long term relationship.


I think what you are referring to isn't a guy being taken care of but a guy who doesn't make any of his own decisions. So a dynamic where the wife is the primary decision maker, big issues small issues etc. the wife runs the show. From what I have seen this is something a man has allowed to become the dynamic by being overly passive. There's plenty of relationships that follow the traditional dynamic of the wife doing all the basic home care, cooking, cleaning etc. and thats fine, but if the wife also controls all the finances, fights every battle and is generally the primary decision maker in all matters then the guy is being treated like a baby. I think a situation where the woman is just a control freak and has to be in charge is a less common cause than the guy being too passive and not asserting his opinions leaving the wife to HAVE to take care of everything. It can be a bad dynamic for a healthy relationship long term.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm pretty sure I couldn't mother my guy if I wanted to.

He wouldn't accept it. It's one if the many reasons he's having sex with me.

LOL.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Um....

Treating women like women or treating them like 'babes'.

Back at ya".


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s simple for me: A man gets treated how he allows himself to be treated. If he wants to be treated like a man then he should act like one.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm pretty sure I couldn't mother my guy if I wanted to.
> 
> He wouldn't accept it. It's one if the many reasons he's having sex with me.
> 
> LOL.


Exactly ...... you have a REAL man. I don’t get the feeling your the type to put up with anything less.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I read a man on here saying that his wife treats him like a baby, not like a man.
> 
> What does it mean to treat a man like a man versus a baby? Don’t men like to be taken care of in a womanly/maternal way?
> 
> I would like men’s opinions on how they like to be treated In a marriage/long term relationship.


I had a mother, I don't want another one. 

My wife shows me kindness by cooking for me for instance (I just don't cook as well as she does). She may buy me a shirt here or there if she sees it. She participates in our partnership, shares cleaning duties, shares laundry duties with me. She really keeps the home warm and nests for us as is her nature, but I also make improvements in the home as is my nature, and this affords both of us our best life. 

Being physically open and vulnerable and showing me her sexual nature feels very womanly but not at all maternal (gross). It feels wonderfully feminine and is very intriguing.

I can't speak for men, but for me stereotypical femininity is very centering and calming for me. It's motivating. Not even sure why, I think it's biological. This is what I want most from my wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> I think when it comes to women treating men like children, there is a dynamic where a lot of men are in perpetual boyhood. It creates a situation where the woman has to assume the role of a mother. I am sure there are cases where some women just do that, as well, but it seems like both sides would be at fault.


I have friends who operate like this. This is like their natural dynamic. I would rather die.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Hiner112 said:


> OT alert.
> 
> My kids saw a joke on TV about someone drinking breast milk. They made the mistake of looking at me and asking if I had ever tasted it. "Every man that is still with his woman after the birth has tasted it. Every. Single. One."


Sorry to be the inconvenient data point, but nope.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Exactly ...... you have a REAL man. I don’t get the feeling your the type to put up with anything less.


Ha ha....I'm not.

He has his issues as we all do but not being a grown man isn't one of them.

Sorry for all of the negatives.....

On a related note, my 20 year old son, who still lives with me and goes to college, has been pushing back for the last couple of years when I try to mother him.

It is my natural instict after all.

I think that is a good sign I've raised a man.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think that is a good sign I've raised a man.


I remember moving back temporarily after grad school and within a week my mom was on my ass and I was getting apartment finder magazines. I couldn’t even last more than a week.

My dad when I was little told us a story about how baby birds get kicked out of the nest and either they fly or face plant but either way they’re out of the nest forever. I think this started when we were about 5.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> If you have used the term "Man Child" on this forum, you are part of the problem.
> I can cook better than my wife, but not quite as good as my son.
> I can do laundry better than my wife.
> I can clean better than my wife.
> Do I get any respect for this? Go ahead, guess.


These are just skills. They don't denote respect or not. It's your willingness to take responsibility that does.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I remember moving back temporarily after grad school and within a week my mom was on my ass and I was getting apartment finder magazines. I couldn’t even last more than a week.
> 
> My dad when I was little told us a story about how baby birds get kicked out of the nest and either they fly or face plant but either way they’re out of the nest forever. I think this started when we were about 5.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I know many women who do this on purpose and I know some guys who loved it at first but grew to hate it. I never treated my exH that way. We were a team. I did all the cooking but he cleaned up afterwards for example.

BF now also has zero need for a mother. He is quite capable of getting it all done and he cooks more than I do because of our schedules. He’s an awesome cook. There is no way I’d want to mother him and deprive myself of that. LOL


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

sokillme said:


> These are just skills.


And yet another myth bites the dust
"Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills!”-Napoleon


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> And yet another myth bites the dust
> "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills!”-Napoleon


You were not taking about - nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills...

That is entirely different and more then deserving.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

😂


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> If you have used the term "Man Child" on this forum, you are part of the problem.
> I can cook better than my wife, but not quite as good as my son.
> I can do laundry better than my wife.
> I can clean better than my wife.
> Do I get any respect for this? Go ahead, guess.


I think you’re missing the point here. Those are basic skills/capabilities of a competent human. As a man you’re expected to be able to take care of yourself effectively, so you don’t get any special points for being able to do those things, although you will lose respect if you can’t. 
I like it when my wife does the things you mentioned for me, and she often does - but I’m still expected to be able to do them myself, and often do. That’s just a basic expectation. You don’t earn respect for being able to meet basic/minimal expectations, you just avoid the disrespect that would go along with being a useless lump that can’t do them. You get respect by being a strong, competent leader for your wife/family.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Big difference between being pampered out of affection and appreciation and being treated like a toddler. Going to go out on a limb here and giving benefit of doubt...i don't think anyone (male or female) wants to treat someone like a child in an adult relationship. It's a last resort of frustration and loss of respect. If you find yourself in that situation I'm guessing there were warning signs ignored and open communication ceased, because what's the point? I'm guessing you are also complaining about your sex life too...

Watch what they do...not what they say...


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> OT alert.
> 
> My kids saw a joke on TV about someone drinking breast milk. They made the mistake of looking at me and asking if I had ever tasted it. "Every man that is still with his woman after the birth has tasted it. Every. Single. One." Moment of confusion and then disgust / horror as they connected the dots.


I remember a time when I was 14 and staying with some strangers for a few days; at breakfast one morning, the woman next to me whipped out her breast and squirted her milk into her coffee.

To the question at hand “Acts of servitude” is a love language to some and I doubt men who have it see it as mothering. It is not my language.

I want things to be equal and ask my wife from time to time if she feels it is. And If I have issues, I bring them up as soon as I can. My goal is to prevent any resentment from growing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Is it possible to avoid disrespect without being respected?
> My laundry skills re exceptional. On the other hand I can smack myself in the balls with a num-chuk as good as the next guy.
> I think What I was trying to say was that the assumption of incompetence overshadows the facts. Women who baby men don't do it because the men are incompetent, they do it either:
> A- because they assume the man is incompetent.
> ...


In my experience plenty of women are in this kind of situation are there because the men are lazy and selfish. If in the dynamic the women babies the guy usually the guy is more then content to live in that dynamic as well. It may be about power, but the guy isn't a victim, he doesn't want the responsibility. Lots of guys just don't want the responsibility of having to make decisions so they let their wives do it.

It's just not that hard to say, I got this don't worry about it, or, I will take care of that, or I just step up and pitch in.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think what you are referring to isn't a guy being taken care of but a guy who doesn't make any of his own decisions. So a dynamic where the wife is the primary decision maker, big issues small issues etc. the wife runs the show. From what I have seen this is something a man has allowed to become the dynamic by being overly passive. There's plenty of relationships that follow the traditional dynamic of the wife doing all the basic home care, cooking, cleaning etc. and thats fine, but if the wife also controls all the finances, fights every battle and is generally the primary decision maker in all matters then the guy is being treated like a baby. I think a situation where the woman is just a control freak and has to be in charge is a less common cause than the guy being too passive and not asserting his opinions leaving the wife to HAVE to take care of everything. It can be a bad dynamic for a healthy relationship long term.


I like that you mention the dynamic, here. A few posts have alluded to this but seem mostly to focus on household chore division. What would being treated like a child really mean on a daily basis? (By the way, I know that's not the dynamic in our marriage, I'm just partaking in the discussion). I did a quick google and some things I came across when that dynamic is at play, is more around power, control, and dis-empowerment that might be displayed through doing everything for the other person / 'nagging' / always needing to be right / no consensus decision-making ...that kind of thing.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> I like that you mention the dynamic, here. A few posts have alluded to this but seem mostly to focus on household chore division. What would being treated like a child really mean on a daily basis? (By the way, I know that's not the dynamic in our marriage, I'm just partaking in the discussion). I did a quick google and some things I came across when that dynamic is at play, is more around power, control, and dis-empowerment that might be displayed through doing everything for the other person / 'nagging' / always needing to be right / no consensus decision-making ...that kind of thing.


I see there being two main dynamics. One is the wife is just simply overbearing and controlling so she questions everything the husband does, hates him making any decision without her (big or small) when he does things around the house she is always displeased with how he does it and feels the need to instruct him on how to do it, you know the same way one would be looking over a kids shoulder while they do their chores. Thats one man being treated like a baby that is on the wife and something she needs to fix within herself. Then you have the dynamic where the wife has to treat the husband like a baby because he acts like one. The relationship where the man doesn't want the responsibility of making any decisions, the guy who can't cook a mean or do laundry, the guy who whenever the wife asks about a situation that requires some action and the husband just says "I don't know whatever you think". That is a guy who will be treated like a baby because he needs to be. 

Both are dynamics that are unhealthy and the cause of the former and the result of the latter is a wife who doesn't respect her husband.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Don’t men like to be taken care of in a womanly/maternal way?


Can't speak for others, but no.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Hiner112 said:


> OT alert.
> 
> My kids saw a joke on TV about someone drinking breast milk. They made the mistake of looking at me and asking if I had ever tasted it. "Every man that is still with his woman after the birth has tasted it. Every. Single. One." Moment of confusion and then disgust / horror as they connected the dots.


I don't understand why it is disgusting to drink human milk but not that from other mammals. Or if it is, why we subject babies to this humiliation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> I don't understand why it is disgusting to drink human milk but not that from other mammals. Or if it is, why we subject babies to this humiliation.


I have never objected and do not mind humiliation.

When it comes to breast feeding, I have no pride.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

BigDigg said:


> Big difference between being pampered out of affection and appreciation and being treated like a toddler.


Bingo.

I love to pamper and spoil my husband. It's my favourite thing.

If I have to go away for a few days for some reason do I leave him a list of instructions on how to do things? No, I don't, because he's more than capable of doing them, as he should be, because he's not a child. Do I prepare some meals and freeze them so he just has to defrost and reheat for him and our daughter. Yes, I do. I do this to ease his load a bit, because I love him, and if I can why wouldn't I? He certainly doesn't expect it.

I don't want to be his Mum, he has one. That's not the role I signed up for, nor did he sign up to be my Dad. We are best friends, lovers, spouses. Not each parents. Yuck.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Bingo.
> 
> I love to pamper and spoil my husband. It's my favourite thing.


Aww 🥰

Yes, there's a difference between consideration between spouses and an unhealthy / imbalanced dynamic.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

sokillme said:


> You were not taking about - nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills...
> 
> That is entirely different and more then deserving.


Computer hacking skills...??


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Although we typically split for social functions, being extroverted and social butterflies, I'm typically ahead of him for getting food (priorities..!) with help-yourself style. And I will get a plate for him while I'm at it. I know he's usually still chatting away to someone and appreciates this. I've had a friend notice this before and in reference to her own husband said, 'Forget that, he can get his own!' Accordingly, if Batman is slicing cheese and such from a cheese-platter, and particularly if it's slightly out of reach to me, he will typically prep and hand me food while serving himself. Obviously we can do these things ourselves, we both just view these kinds of gestures as demonstrations of care between us.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Computer hacking skills...??


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


>


Lol!!! AWESOME!!!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


>


Great movie! Sorry for the TJ.😁


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Great movie! Sorry for the TJ.😁


Gimme some of your tots. 
Tina you fat lard come get some dinner. 
Dang, you got shocks, pegs... Lucky.

A true classic.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

i feel like throwing up now! 

how is that even a question? 

how would a woman accept and be attracted to a man who wants to be treated like a baby??!!!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> I read a man on here saying that his wife treats him like a baby, not like a man.
> 
> What does it mean to treat a man like a man versus a baby? Don’t men like to be taken care of in a womanly/maternal way?


It's a complicated area. As far as I'm concerned. It's not really about who does or doesn't know how to operate the washing machine or the dryer. 

The mechanism that bonds partners together is similar to the mechanism that bonds toddler to mother. Not identical, but we are using the same circuitry. 

A partner wants to know that their spouse is reliable, interested, available to them, esteems them, is able to comfort them when necessary, does what they said they would. And these are the same things that a toddler needs from a primary parent. (Maybe some are wincing at the idea that they might ever need "comforting", but people do.) I guess a big difference is that a toddler needs ALL their needs met by this one person, whereas adults should develop a range of other people, friends, that they can call on for different needs. 

Where it sometimes goes wrong is that a mother has to teach a toddler to think, by "knowing everything" and processing things for them, but as adults, it's not so good to tell your partner what they think. Women and babies are almost like a single organism, a fused system, but an adult couple doesn't work well that way.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> I guess a big difference is that a toddler needs ALL their needs met by this one person, whereas adults should develop a range of other people, friends, that they can call on for different needs.


Not bad, but to me the bigger difference is that for much of my relationship w/ Mom, I wasn't an adult. She had to make all of the decisions in the beginning, fewer as I matured, but was allowed to make as many as she liked until I paid my own way. I wouldn't tolerate such any such insult from a mate.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

PieceOfSky said:


>


This is true! I do need a boyfriend with great skills


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## JamesOfHenry (Oct 24, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> I read a man on here saying that his wife treats him like a baby, not like a man.
> 
> What does it mean to treat a man like a man versus a baby? Don’t men like to be taken care of in a womanly/maternal way?
> 
> I would like men’s opinions on how they like to be treated In a marriage/long term relationship.


I’d like the guy to differentiate between “baby”, and say, a 5 year old who doesn’t seem to be able to quite measure up to her expectations. One Hovers over a baby, perhaps, to nurture, while another will Hover over a 5yr old, constantly correcting perceived improper or flawed behavior, and responding in a loud, frustrated voice. I’d love a marriage that employed the first example, as I’m a nurturer myself. Reality seems a combination of the two, in my case, a nurturing 5yr old who is trying to avoid correction.


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