# What do I do



## andrew1 (Mar 7, 2011)

I'm sure this has been discussed on here before with people in a similar situation but I only registered here today.

I have been married for 16 years, my wife is 47 and i'm 55 , for about the last 5 years or so her attitude to sex has changed to the extent that it's now obvious she doesn't enjoy it or want it. We still do have sex sometimes but i'm left feeling like I have used her as she clearly doesn't enjoy it.

I'm sad because everything else is great and I want her so badly to be my lover as well as my best friend and mother of our daughter. 

I try talking to her but each time I broach the subject she gets angry and a huge row results which solves nothing. I've tried to romance her, woo her again, even seduce her but all to no effect.

I don't think she is having an affair but I do think she has simply gone off sex.

I miss her so much in that way and am scared that the issue is going to cause us to split eventually.

I can't accept that my life in that way is over.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Do you know if it is an arousal problem or a desire problem..


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

could she be in the beginning stages of menopause?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

She may need to be checked out by her doctor, to rule out any hormonal issues.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I sympathize, after 20+ years of a satisfying sex life, my then 56 yo stbx decided that vaginal intercourse was painful and she was too embarrassed to ask her OB-Gyn about it - she was dry and did not want to use a lubricant. After 3 years of increasing frustration and regular discussions that went nowhere, I left.

Now she calls and emails telling me how much she misses me and wants to work on our issues. I've told her she had numerous chances and I will not get back together with her. FYI, sex was not the only issue, she became increasingly depressed, narcissistic, and OCD - all traits that had been long visible, but increasingly problematic these past few years. Her menopause started around her 52nd birthday.

My advise to you is let your w know that your needs are real, that marriages w/o sex are shams, and try to get to a sex therapist and/or marriage counseling. My stbxw said sex was my problem, not hers. WRONG!

I'm now in a very satisfying and enjoyable relationship with a 60 yo woman who has a very high libido and really enjoys sex, better yet we match each other in many, many ways, she really appreciates me and vice versa.



andrew1 said:


> I'm sure this has been discussed on here before with people in a similar situation but I only registered here today.
> 
> I have been married for 16 years, my wife is 47 and i'm 55 , for about the last 5 years or so her attitude to sex has changed to the extent that it's now obvious she doesn't enjoy it or want it. We still do have sex sometimes but i'm left feeling like I have used her as she clearly doesn't enjoy it.
> 
> ...


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## andrew1 (Mar 7, 2011)

Tool said:


> Do you know if it is an arousal problem or a desire problem..


I don't know, but I suspect desire. She says that she isn't interested in anyone else. As I say any attempt to talk about the subject is met with a really intense anger which is so out of character.


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## andrew1 (Mar 7, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> could she be in the beginning stages of menopause?


About a year ago she was diagnosed as being in the early stages of menopause and was prescribed two different forms of HRT over the past year, each she tried for 3 months. It had no effect on this issue but did make her feel unwell and dizzy and she became depressed. 

In the end she came off the treatment becuase there was no apparent benefit.


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## andrew1 (Mar 7, 2011)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> My advise to you is let your w know that your needs are real, that marriages w/o sex are shams, and try to get to a sex therapist and/or marriage counseling. .


As she won't discuss the issue its very hard to take it forward or find a solution.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My spouse went through menopause in her early 30's. But she had little to no libido before that. Hormones weren't the problem, they were the convenient excuse. Why your wife refuses a lubricant is totally mysterious. I tend to think all this sort of thing is a crutch, a cowardly way of saying no. She doesn't want to fix it or discuss it? Well there's your answer. Everything's perfect as far as she's concerned. 

Let me ask you this though, does your wife strike you as someone who emotionally is a lot 'older' than she really is? I mean in the sense that she's constantly saying "I'm old" or "we're old"? My spouse I think will have a good old age because she will finally be the 80 year old woman she's always wanted to be. If your wife, in the back of her mind thinks of herself as an old woman, then her reaction isn't that odd.


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## andrew1 (Mar 7, 2011)

I wouldn't say that because we still like to go out to clubs things like that and our circle of friends are mainly younger than us mostly in their 30's due to us having our daughter at a late age. So no, I don't think she feels that way.

She does think she is unattractive and yet she isn't, she still turns male heads and she is a very attractive woman , she just can't see it herself. I'm not sure though that that is anything to do with her lack of desire for sex. 





Runs like Dog said:


> My spouse went through menopause in her early 30's. But she had little to no libido before that. Hormones weren't the problem, they were the convenient excuse. Why your wife refuses a lubricant is totally mysterious. I tend to think all this sort of thing is a crutch, a cowardly way of saying no. She doesn't want to fix it or discuss it? Well there's your answer. Everything's perfect as far as she's concerned.
> 
> Let me ask you this though, does your wife strike you as someone who emotionally is a lot 'older' than she really is? I mean in the sense that she's constantly saying "I'm old" or "we're old"? My spouse I think will have a good old age because she will finally be the 80 year old woman she's always wanted to be. If your wife, in the back of her mind thinks of herself as an old woman, then her reaction isn't that odd.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

If a women doesn't think she is sexy, her desire for sex will go down..

You very well could have a desire problem on your hands, the good news is that it is actually pretty easy to fix if your Wife really does love you..


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## andrew1 (Mar 7, 2011)

Tool said:


> If a women doesn't think she is sexy, her desire for sex will go down..
> 
> You very well could have a desire problem on your hands, the good news is that it is actually pretty easy to fix if your Wife really does love you..


How is it fixed .... pleaseeeeeeeeee !!!


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## andrew1 (Mar 7, 2011)

Seem there are a lot of marriages in the same situation, but solutions are not easy to find. If they were then so many men and women on here wouldn't be discussing it. I'm sure this problem in a marriage, be it lack of interest from the woman or from the man is responsible for many affairs and many marriage breakdowns, it's sad it can't be fixed .....


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