# Post-Affair Character Change



## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

Hello.

My wife of 15 yrs cheated on me 3 weeks ago with her grade school boyfriend. They apparently only messaged 3 or 4 times and talked on the phone twice, before she decided she wanted to leave me and thought that cheating would officially end it all, because I'd always told her that I wouldn't put up with a cheater.

However, she claims that during their encounter she realized how much she loves me and wants to be with me. (I know... that's an odd way of showing it). And that she was repulsed by their encounter, only wanted to see if she still had feelings/ wanted closure and regrets it blah, blah blah.

We have 4 children together (3, 6, 9 & 12), so I'm perplexed by my feelings of all of this. I don't want to be with someone capable of doing such a thing, but I couldn't imagine being apart from her and seeing my children semi-regularly. She literally grabbed the kids out of school and tried to move to her sisters the day they hooked up. But came back the next day begging for forgiveness. Now she says it was a big mistake and she will do anything to 'win me back'.

The one thing I'm confused by though, is her sudden change of character. (FYI, she is originally from the Philippines.) Before, over time we became distant, never talked much, did our own thing etc. Now she is clingy, and constantly kissing and touching me. We are in hyper-bonding overdrive (thank god I read about that here... I thought I was sick in the head!) But before, I was always kind of a freak... and now she is being super-freaky whereas before she never was. Is this due to her affair? Does the affair excite her sexually, even though she says it was a horrible experience? 

She claims that she was always this way but afraid to tell me, even though I was always this way before and she never said anything. She is being very open, answering anything and everything multiple times, talking with me, etc... it's just like we were when we first met, besides the sudden freak-n-the-sheets behavior. Is there anything on character changes after an affair on here? Can somebody go from an exit-affair to being fully in love again in a matter of 24hrs? Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Grade school? Come on....


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she written you a timeline of the affair?

Has she been tested for stds?

Have you exposed the affair to her family, to your family and to the OM's wife?

Did she do this behind your back? So what consequences are to help her the next time she decides to cheat? 

Has she signed an agreement that gives you custody of the children, she pays you alimony if you divorce, she pays child-support and you get a favorable property split? Has she filed a quit-claim on the house because she cheated?

If is bothered her so much did she stop before they finished? Did they use protection? 

You need to go to counseling for help. your kids are young. If you divorce because she keeps on cheating, you will lose with the kids, with the money. 

You can't stop her from cheating, but you need to think about protecting yourself and your kids. 

What would she do if you had an affair? Would she be so kind? 

Good luck.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You are likely being played and are now Plan B.

I would not trust that you have the whole story and you are at risk for STDs.

There is much more for you to uncover.

Your wife is not who she presents herself to you.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Grade school I believe you meant graduate school right?



*Can somebody go from an exit-affair to being fully in love again in a matter of 24hrs *


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

xakulax said:


> Grade school I believe you meant graduate school right?


I doubt it.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Philat said:


> Grade school? Come on....


Right? What's next? They cheat on you with their father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate? Give me a break...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> Hello.
> 
> My wife of 15 yrs cheated on me 3 weeks ago with her grade school boyfriend. They apparently only messaged 3 or 4 times and talked on the phone twice, before she decided she wanted to leave me and thought that cheating would officially end it all, because I'd always told her that I wouldn't put up with a cheater.
> 
> ...


How old was she when she moved to your country?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you trust anything she says? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

So your wife of 15 years wanted closure from a grade school relationship, then runs away to test out the new guy (taking your kids with her), and suddenly comes back acting like it wasn't a big deal all the while giving you tons of sex?

Something definitely doesn't add up.

Either she's still in contact with the guy and sexing you up to keep you off her trail (and a steady Plan B) or she just wants to rugsweep the whole situation (which you absolutely shouldn't do) to hope things go back to normal.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She got dumped


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> The one thing I'm confused by though, is her sudden change of character. (FYI, she is originally from the Philippines.) Before, over time we became distant, never talked much, did our own thing etc. Now she is clingy, and constantly kissing and touching me. We are in hyper-bonding overdrive (thank god I read about that here... I thought I was sick in the head!) But before, I was always kind of a freak... and now she is being super-freaky whereas before she never was. Is this due to her affair? Does the affair excite her sexually, even though she says it was a horrible experience?





Your wife thought of herself and not you and that the grass was greener with another man. She tried the other man and is seeing the consequences and has come running back to you.


I doubt that her being “super-freaky” is because the affair. If the affair was that exciting then why didn’t she stay longer and why is she running back to you and kissing your azz? The sex may have been exciting during the thought build up and maybe even during sex. However, the reality of betrayal, if she is a good woman, will put a huge damper on the fantasy and orgasm.


Your wife probably realizes that she giving into her selfishness and lowering her integrity was a huge mistake and is very costly. You will have to decide what you are going to do now that your 100% trust and admiration has been damaged. You can stay with her but you will never recover the trust and admiration to that high level again.

The azz kissing she is doing may last a year or two at best. Remember to think long term like 5-10-15 years not just this year and next. * I would get some kind of legal agreement, that is in your best interest, with her right now and then watch for several years to see if she really is remorseful and committed to you. Depending on what you see in the years to come you can then be more secure that she is committed to you or you will see that she is flawed.*


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> Has she written you a timeline of the affair?
> 
> *Yes, I had read that here and had her do that. *
> 
> ...


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> How old was she when she moved to your country?


10yo. I met her when she was 18, she is now 33yo.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> Can somebody go from an exit-affair to being fully in love again in a matter of 24hrs? Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.


They can certainly appear to do so. My WW did. Is it "in love again"? Hard to say. Perhaps it's just as much an appreciation of the second chance, the relief that you're still with her and the realization that you could change your mind.

I'll just suggest that it's better she have this complete "apparent" turn around than the alternative; but there's a long way to go before she proves that it's permanent - or at least consistent.

I firmly believe that a WS must understand what it's like to lose their spouse for cheating as part of this process - and understand that she can't take you for granted going forward.


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> She got dumped


This hadn't crossed my mind, but makes total sense. FFFFFFFFFFFFF



Mr Blunt said:


> Your wife thought of herself and not you and that the grass was greener with another man. She tried the other man and is seeing the consequences and has come running back to you.
> 
> 
> I doubt that her being “super-freaky” is because the affair. If the affair was that exciting then why didn’t she stay longer and why is she running back to you and kissing your azz? The sex may have been exciting during the thought build up and maybe even during sex. However, the reality of betrayal, if she is a good woman, will put a huge damper on the fantasy and orgasm.
> ...


Thank you for the insightful post. I keep asking her why we should work so hard to build what we had back up, when I could walk away and find someone who is honest and faithful (I know, easier said than done, but the point still stands).

I don't know why I'm rushing the decision, but I was hoping you guys would have some insight on some of the behaviors described, to help me make a better one. Can't help but to love her, the BC (before cheating) her.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Her getting dumped right after the sex makes sense and probably explains the behavior. She was devasted when she realized he only wanted to bang her and wanted nothing long term. When she realized she had been suckered she ran back home to you with her tail between her legs. 

And I also doubt highly that she hated the sex. She probably went at it with gusto, which resulted in her being more horrified with her actions after she learned she had been played. 

Sorry this happened to you, but I don't think she is being honest about the sex part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dude, you're not married to her?

NEXT!

A lifetime of worry, movies running in your mind of her bouncing on this guy at 4AM keeping you up, and the pretty obvious fact that you're her plan B that she ran back to when she got told that she was just sex to this guy and got dumped?

Buh-bye, lady.

When people show you who they are, believe them.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> Hello.
> 
> My wife of 15 yrs cheated on me 3 weeks ago with her *grade school boyfriend*. They apparently only messaged 3 or 4 times and talked on the phone twice, before she decided she wanted to leave me and thought that cheating would officially end it all, because I'd always told her that I wouldn't put up with a cheater.
> 
> ...


Is he still in grade school? She took four kids out of school for one day to move to her sisters so she could cheat with a grade school boyfriend? You're confused because now she wants to kiss you? Am I missing anything?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I wouldn't trust whatever is going on right now. Emotions are running high, and I think she's probably being clingy and sexual because she realizes that she fears losing you.

For this, and any reconciliation to work, if that's what you want, you have to address the condition of your relationship before the affair as well as the affair itself. You said she was distant and thought this would be her exit affair since you would not forgive cheating. Well, why? Why was she distant, why was your relationship in trouble, why was she so eager to leave?

If her reasons for wanting to leave are still there and unaddressed, the likelihood of her cheating again is high as soon as she finds another man that she thinks can be her life raft.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> now she is being super-freaky whereas before she never was. Is this due to her affair? Does the affair excite her sexually? She claims that she was always this way but afraid to tell me, even though I was always this way before and she never said anything. it's just like we were when we first met, besides the sudden freak-n-the-sheets behavior.


OP, look at this thread. You have to get past several posts before you start getting some answers to your questions.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/192450-things-ws-did-ap.html


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> *Act I Scene 1*
> 
> My wife of 15 yrs cheated on me 3 weeks ago with her grade school boyfriend.
> 
> ...



Yay maybe dumped, he may not like kids, or does not have a decent job, or is a cheating player, or he has changed, who knows. She realizes that the best available option at the moment is you.

To be continued...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Tell your wife that you will be talking to the OM to get the real reason why it ended and if she has anything left to tell you, she probably should as anymore lies or secrets will definitely end the marriage(don't give the time to talk to the OM and match up stories)

Right, the only version of events you have are those your wife told you. The truth is very likely very different.

There is nothing like realizing how much she loved you while having sex with another guy. It is insulting your intelligence and your dignity that she would say that.

There are no sexual acrobatics she could do now that would make this relationship equal again. Actually that she would open more sexually while trying to win you back is in itself a huge red flag. It tells you about a woman who uses sex as a means of control.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> They apparently only messaged 3 or 4 times and talked on the phone twice, before she decided she wanted to leave me


Do you know this for certain or did she tell you that ?

This doesn't sound believable at all...


Huge chunks of the story is missing.

How did you find out ?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

*Has she signed an agreement that gives you custody of the children*, she pays you alimony if you divorce, she pays child-support and you get a favorable property split? Has she filed a quit-claim on the house because she cheated?

We aren't technically married, neither of us want or need that.* I do have both cars, the RV and some property I'd bought in WV in my name only, the house is in both our names. *I will talk to her about these things you mentioned tonight though.

Your response to the "child support" question is VERY telling


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> She got dumped





Blatantly Obscure said:


> This hadn't crossed my mind, but makes total sense. FFFFFFFFFFFFF.


So do you want this guy's sloppy seconds? Cause that's what you're getting. 

My ex did the same thing (I didn't find out till later). She EVEN gave me the same sob story about how it was awful and she just wanted it to be over... So guess what she did? Think she learned her lession? Ha! She found ANOTHER guy to go cheat on me with. Which ended up being a six month affair until I busted her. 

Look, you're not married and you're still young. Cut your loses man, she's checked out. She's didn't "fall back in love" with you in 24 hours. She got DUMPED and now she's is full DAMAGE CONTROL mode trying to rug sweep the whole thing. She will continue shopping around for your replacement and sampling the goods elsewhere. Don't let yourself get played like that.

Have some self-respect. This relationship is toast. I know that's not the answer you want but it's that or live a lie in false R.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

While healthy scepticism is wise at this stage, it is possible that she really did realize that this affair was a truly stupid idea and that despite the two of you having "distanced" from each other previously, she realized that was not what she actually wanted, and now she's trying to show remorse and recommitment.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> While healthy scepticism is wise at this stage, it is possible that she really did realize that this affair was a truly stupid idea and that despite the two of you having "distanced" from each other previously, she realized that was not what she actually wanted, and now she's trying to show remorse and recommitment.


Perhaps your are correct but the fact that shouldn't be overlooked or taken lightly by OP is the incredible speed this woman makes life changing decisions. She decided to leave her husband after 3-4 messages/2 calls with ex bf, mixed out with kids, devices that is not what she wants in the middle of 1st time sex with the lover and goes back? 

So next time she'll probably decide it's over and cheat again if he leaves the toilet seat up?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Something is missing here.

Is it possible this was going on behind your back for a very long time...? Then he dumps her, they argue, he threatens to call you and that makes her confess. Now she tells you this to minimize the damage she caused. 

Grade school is a long time ago. She's known him a long time I'll bet. Was he plan B or were you something on the side. I think you don't want the truth. Were there other OMs...

Remember, she's not married either. 

Not married makes this easy for you. Move on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the best thing to do is make her take a polygraph. She could be telling the whole truth. The fantastic sex is not unusual at all. Its both of you trying to reclaim your partner.

You have four kids, do not rush to make decision. Many here say they could forgive a one night stand easier than an emotional affair. You have not been taking care of each other. This may be a wake up call. Assuming she is telling the truth.

However, you need to investigste more. Check phone, text, email, internet history etc. Var in the house and car.

People do grow apart and do stupid things. Its terrible what she did but I can see someone be totally dumfounded by doing something like this. And it looks like she may have come clean immediately. Verify everything, never take the word of a cheater.


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Do you know this for certain or did she tell you that ?
> 
> This doesn't sound believable at all...
> 
> ...


She called me that night from her sisters crying and confessed.



kenmoore14217 said:


> *Has she signed an agreement that gives you custody of the children*, she pays you alimony if you divorce, she pays child-support and you get a favorable property split? Has she filed a quit-claim on the house because she cheated?
> 
> We aren't technically married, neither of us want or need that.* I do have both cars, the RV and some property I'd bought in WV in my name only, the house is in both our names. *I will talk to her about these things you mentioned tonight though.
> 
> Your response to the "child support" question is VERY telling


Can you elaborate, please? 



Chaparral said:


> I think the best thing to do is make her take a polygraph.
> 
> <snip>
> 
> However, you need to investigste more. Check phone, text, email, internet history etc. Var in the house and car.


A polygraph is an excellent idea, many thanks. She is horrible w/ computers and technical stuff, so I did scour the hard drive and tablet, and found nothing. 

The odd part is that she was always very truthful with me, even if it didn't put her in a good light, she was always painfully truthful. Even so far as confessing only hours after she cheated. So it makes it hurt more that she was going behind my back messaging/ calling someone and going to great lengths to hide it (she googled: how to delete facebook messages permanently and only called him on a payphone at the market).


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Chaparral said:


> I think the best thing to do is make her take a polygraph. She could be telling the whole truth. The fantastic sex is not unusual at all. Its both of you trying to reclaim your partner.
> 
> You have four kids, do not rush to make decision. Many here say they could forgive a one night stand easier than an emotional affair. You have not been taking care of each other. This may be a wake up call. Assuming she is telling the truth.
> 
> ...


I think if you need a polygraph the relationship is already over.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> She called me that night from her sisters crying and confessed.


Sure she's confused. She just ran off and banged some guy who just dumped her.

She's confused because she's now thinking "what am I gonna do?"

Swinging from branch to branch... she grabbed the new branch and it broke so she's hanging on to the first one.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I agree. Take her for a polygraph test. Let her know that if she doesn't pass the test for any reason that she's gone and nothing will change your mind.

Be prepared though for her to use her crying, sobbing and begging to soften you up and then she'll use the kids as a weapon and the make great weapons. The kids know who their dad is and you will always be a part of their lives no matter what kind of BS she throws at you.

Don't look at her like she's your wife because she's not looking at you like her husband. She looking at you as nothing more than a roof, food and finance.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't think she changed her stripes. You seem to be plan B.

She explored her inner wh0re, didn't like how her POS banged her and decided you were a good fallback.

She even involved your kids!

Her character is the same. She is just using her "ASSets" on you now.

Sorry she pulled this crap. Do the best for you and your kids, take your time.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is in major damage control---it suddenly dawned on her---what life would be like if taken out of her present cozy stable situation

I would ask you, where you intend to go with this----you can't be toooo serious about being hurt by what she has done---as you have basically taken her back with no accountability----you have sex, you have physical contact with her----so what is it you really want-----

IF YOU WERE REALLY DEEPLY HURT, YOU WOULD HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HER---SHE WOULD BE SLEEPING ON HER OWN IN ANOTHER PART OF THE HOUSE, AND YOU WOULD GO SOMEWHAT DARK ON HER

That is what a hurt betrayed spouse would do at this point in time, to show by ACTIONS---that what she has done is unforgiveable/unbearable/possibly beyond saving the relationship--------those are the actions she must experience----what she is experiencing, from you is some words-----and nothing more---------basically you have pretty much lost this situation---she now knows she can cheat on you, and you will basically take her back cuz "you love her"--------YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED BIG TIME


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It's called hysterical bonding. It's very common.

Think of it as a survival mechanism for her relationship with you. Its mostly out of her knowing she screwed up big time and is trying to pump you full of oxytocin overload to make it harder for you to leave; She's giving you everything you ever wanted in the sack department.

It doesn't last, by the way. Two months, maybe, if your lucky. Until she feels the affair was successfully swept under the rug and things feel secure for her again.

In fact, as soon as you tell her everything is going to be ok, it will taper off within a week. Then, it starts with the "too tired tonight, Hun" responses. Then, a week later, your in the desert.

My advise to you?.....

Take full advantage of this opportunity, bud!!!!! Get your freak on and do all sorts of crazy a$$ freaky, nasty, pounding, freaky shat you daydreamed about doing in college. Bend her over every piece of furniture you can. Get all the blow jobs you desire! Morning wood! Cured! Nooner? Done! A bag of freaky toys from the sex store? Awesome!

Oh, wait... That was just me realizing what was going on in my cheating ex's head when she came running back to me too, and what it actually meant. And me taking full advantage of the situation. 

But hey...I was an a$$hole like that. I figured since she fu(ked me over, I'd just do the same and fu(k her over....every chair, couch, and cushion I could think of.

It was a good two months...


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

I like how with just the second post, the OP uses tried and true responses to others using quotes and bolded answers. Add if they've been here before...

Just something of an observation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> She called me that night from her sisters crying and confessed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A polygraph is not a good idea. They are wrong about 25% of the time even in the best run test. You will not know if any of her answers are true or not because the margin of error is so high.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

So wait. She was willing to leave you, take the kids for a guy from grade school whom she only had limited correspondence with?

This guy must have some game!

Have you talked to the man? 

Sex might be good but you're covering up the issues. She banged another man for a reason, she knows you like sex, most likely withheld it and is now using it on you to keep you sweet.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> She called me that night from her sisters crying and confessed.





> So it makes it hurt more that she was going behind my back messaging/ calling someone and going to great lengths to hide it (she googled: how to delete facebook messages permanently and only called him on a payphone at the market).


So, had she made up some mildly plausible excuse for taking your kids to her sister's and said nothing, you'd be none the wiser? You already know she's capable of deception...

So the bits where this doesn't add up:

1. Is she always this impulsive?
2. She could have slept with him, regretted it and kept her mouth shut - but she confessed - why?
3. 3-4 messages and a couple of calls is super fast to persuade someone to cheat on their partner - doesn't even leave much room for her to say "Are you crazy I'm married" - literally goes to "Where and when?" as soon as the subject is broached. Have you asked who first brought up the subject of cheating? You need to know what you're dealing with.
4. Taking the kids is not the sign of a quick fling, but starting a new life - huge doubt that you have the truth of this situation



> Can somebody go from an exit-affair to being fully in love again in a matter of 24hrs?


No. Because all the exit affairs I've seen on here come with a period distancing, which you didn't get. Also falling in love is a positive thing; not motivated by shame repulsion and regret. The timelines are all skewed in this situation.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Since you have 4 very young kids, I can't just say dump her and move on, especially since she is showing some signs of R. However, I don't believe you are getting anywhere near the full truth from her.

I think your situation demands a poly, if for no other reason then to get a possible "parking lot confession", i.e, the full story.

If it turns out that she really did this only once, then maybe you can work it out, but you need the whole story before you can decide.

If it turns out that she has been having a LTA or had cheated with more than one guy, then that would be another story altogether.

Get a poly scheduled ASAP.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> I like how with just the second post, the OP uses tried and true responses to others using quotes and bolded answers. Add if they've been here before...
> 
> Just something of an observation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you suggesting the original post and the poster are BS? Maybe I'm naive, but I lurked here for a while before posting and I've been on other forums before and it isn't too difficult to figure out how to use quotes and bold text and so on. If I can figure it out pretty easily, I'm sure others can.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by Mr Blunt *
> Your wife thought of herself and not you and that the grass was greener with another man. She tried the other man and is seeing the consequences and has come running back to you.
> 
> 
> ...


The insight is 

“Your wife thought of herself and not you and that the grass was greener with another man. She tried the other man and is seeing the consequences and has come running back to you”

Others on this thread have given you some insight also. I know you are obsessed with the Why Why and wanting to understand but you can spend years trying to get satisfied with those issues. Right now you need to put a great test to her. That great test is that she sign legal documents that are in your best interest and then you can observe her for a long time to see if she is worth keeping or if she is too weak to keep. 

Have you got any legal papers drawn up?


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> It's called hysterical bonding. It's very common.
> 
> Think of it as a survival mechanism for her relationship with you. Its mostly out of her knowing she screwed up big time and is trying to pump you full of oxytocin overload to make it harder for you to leave; She's giving you everything you ever wanted in the sack department.
> 
> ...


That's the thing... in the beginning we f'ed like rabbits, at least 5x week for many years. I was always freaky and she was always receptive. Never once told me no. Just that now, she's telling me that she's always liked that and divulged a "fantasy" of her own (nothing that made me upset, and actually was a turn on). Just that over the years I've slowed down as I've gotten older (38yo) and she's speeding up in that department (she's 33yo). So I'd began staying up all night on the pc and she did try every trick in the book to get me back to the bedroom... "the bed hurts my back" which it did. She got us a craftmatic adjustable bed. "I don't need but 3hrs sleep" She puts an Xbox and flatscreen in the br. I never once shut her down, though, if she asked "you want to play?" So I figured I was meeting those needs, in a sense. I don't know, the whole situation is so much more complicated to be written out, that's why I was only hoping to find answers on those few questions. Then I could begin to wrap my head around it all, somewhat.



Regret214 said:


> I like how with just the second post, the OP uses tried and true responses to others using quotes and bolded answers. Add if they've been here before...
> 
> Just something of an observation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been on other boards before (not pertaining to marital stuff, just other "hobbies" I've had. 



BobSimmons said:


> So wait. She was willing to leave you, take the kids for a guy from grade school whom she only had limited correspondence with?
> 
> This guy must have some game!
> 
> ...


No, she says she planned on going to her sisters. Her sister and bro-in-law buy houses and do the rent-to-own, so she wanted to get one off of them. The d-bag gave her a ride, and once there asked if she wanted to run some errands. After the errands they went to a park and f'ed in the back of his SUV. Dropped her off at her sisters, and she talked to her sis for hours, apparently bawling her eyes out. Finally called me at 3am to flip my world upside down. Said that she did it because she knew I'd always said I'd leave if she cheated and that she didn't want to back out of leaving. Then she immediately backed out of leaving. Brought the kids home the next day. Any time I was at the house for the next week, I was in my bedroom w/ the door locked. I finally let her in on day 8 to talk. I had set up getting another place down the road so the children could walk to see me. Sorry for so much detail, but I think some of the advice I'm hearing may be getting skewed because people can only go by their own personal experiences. The rest of the advice is quite helpful and will be utilized.



azteca1986 said:


> So, had she made up some mildly plausible excuse for taking your kids to her sister's and said nothing, you'd be none the wiser? You already know she's capable of deception...
> 
> So the bits where this doesn't add up:
> 
> ...


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

barbados said:


> Since you have 4 very young kids, I can't just say dump her and move on, especially since she is showing some signs of R. However, I don't believe you are getting anywhere near the full truth from her.
> 
> I think your situation demands a poly, if for no other reason then to get a possible "parking lot confession", i.e, the full story.


Yes, if I didn't have children with her, I wouldn't even entertain the thought. They have kept me here during the worst of times and we all pulled through. I'd swim through fire and brimstone for these kids. So I'm torn...



Mr Blunt said:


> The insight is
> 
> “Your wife thought of herself and not you and that the grass was greener with another man. She tried the other man and is seeing the consequences and has come running back to you”
> 
> ...




Thank you, Mr Blunt. You have given me some great advice and I will definitely try to get this done. I'm not the richest of people, so I will have to look into it more. Sucks being poor. Your insight is spot on. I've asked WHY a thousand and one times. And have heard I DON'T KNOW every single time. Seriously though, thanks for taking time to respond. I appreciate it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Depending upon the state, but you can print off divorce papers from the internet from your state or county.

You can also get other forms that you could use, like having her sign over any assets to you using a quit claim deed.

However sometime you do want an attorney to look at the documents.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Ironically it is those same kids she was willing to take away from you to move with this guy.

I still don't understand because something doesn't chime right. She corresponded with this guy a grand total of 8 times from first contact and for that she was willing to leave you and take the kids away from you, and after one sex session in the back of a car then she decided to do a u turn and confess?

She wanted to see if she had feelings, well of course she did but you don't need to have sex to know there are feelings, what was done was premeditated and carefully planned (obviously taking the kids to sisters), you also don't need sex to have closure do you?

Most likely there is a lot more going on. The reality of taking four children away and the absolute sh*t storm that it would cause financially and personally might have hit her or maybe she told OM that she planned to leave you for him and OM told her were to go as he was still trying with his wife.

She has a good life and will fight tooth and nail to preserve that. But I don't know is not a good enough reason because she knew she wanted to leave and she knew she wanted to have sex.

The sob story about crying during sex and wanting it to be over...don't buy that either. Sex is either always terrible or they just wanted to get it over with.

When a woman pretty much doesn't want to have sex, in most instances she won't let you, even during the act, stop is a word that takes all of a second to utter. Unless the act itself was two minutes tops, I'd say everybody got what they wanted now it's damage control.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The d-bag gave her a ride, and once there asked if she wanted to run some errands. After the errands they went to a park and f'ed in the back of his SUV.


What the ...... ???


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Make it absolutely clear that any more lying is a deal breaker.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> What the ...... ???


Must have been a REALLY nice SUV!!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> She got dumped


I 2nd that vote! She showed up at the boyfriends house with a gaggle of kids in tow, and he just said "WTF"?:rofl:


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> She called me that night from her sisters crying and confessed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Ok so the OBVIOUS, way this went down is...

She fell for this guy during emails and phone talks

She planned to not just leave you but leave you in the most horrendous way...(yank the kids out of school and move before you know what's happening)

The sex went great, now she knows she's a freak too. Because it was all the sex talk that led up to the actual sex that made her realize she's a freak.

She grabbed the kids and moved out

She called the OM and he said "wait!..you did what? Stop I right there, NO WAY! I'm not signing up for an instant family, I just wanted to have sex" 

She says "oh ****!" And runs back to you with a made up story that she will stick to unless absolutely proven otherwise.

Sorry brother, her story is a lie and she was used. Ugh!

Look for the truth I her actions not in her words. I mean actions before hyper bonding, the hyper bonding is a desperation thing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jkizhen said:


> *Has she written you a timeline of the affair?*


*Unless she is just heartbrokenly repentant about her sordid actions, that ol' dog just ain't going to hunt! In fact, if anything, she is going to fastly develop a self-serving, terminal case of "5th Amendment" amnesia/denial or "I can't remember" for such folks like her spouse, family, and friends; but in that internal mind of hers and in her secrecy, she's going to remember every one of the lurid, exacting details of her "sheet time" with the AP, no doubt, with a small hidden smirk on her face; and ever so lightly under her breath, she'll be praising her AP as having absolutely blown her doors off sexually as being her best lover ever! 

And should she ever lose that heart-palpating AP of hers, she'll only sadly lament only to herself something to the satiating effect of, "Well, it was just meant to be!"*


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is being truthful. I doubt she got dumped because rejection tends to make people become obsessed with the person rejecting them (she would try to pursue him). Most people can’t handle rejection which is why when you reject someone you become 100x more attractive to them.

I think she had this big fantasy in her head about riding off into the sunset with the OM but seeing him in person blew that out of the water. He could not live up to her fantasy which caused her to crash back to reality. She now fears you rejecting her so she is pulling out all the stops because she understands what she could lose.

You hold all the cards, you have to decide what you can live with. Some cheaters do it once and never again and some are serial cheaters that never stop. That’s something you need to find out about her and even then, is once a deal breaker?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is being truthful. I doubt she got dumped because rejection tends to make people become obsessed with the person rejecting them (she would try to pursue him). Most people can’t handle rejection which is why when you reject someone you become 100x more attractive to them.
> 
> I think she had this big fantasy in her head about riding off into the sunset with the OM but seeing him in person blew that out of the water. He could not live up to her fantasy which caused her to crash back to reality. She now fears you rejecting her so she is pulling out all the stops because she understands what she could lose.
> 
> You hold all the cards, you have to decide what you can live with. Some cheaters do it once and never again and some are serial cheaters that never stop. That’s something you need to find out about her and even then, is once a deal breaker?


your first part does make sense 
that is why we tell BS here that if you beg that does not work and if you have the D paper wrote or served the BS become much more attractive.
and the 180 --- the 180 is meant for the BS to move on but one of the side effects is that sometimes it bring the WS back


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is being truthful. I doubt she got dumped because rejection tends to make people become obsessed with the person rejecting them (she would try to pursue him). Most people can’t handle rejection which is why when you reject someone you become 100x more attractive to them.
> 
> I think she had this big fantasy in her head about riding off into the sunset with the OM but seeing him in person blew that out of the water. He could not live up to her fantasy which caused her to crash back to reality. She now fears you rejecting her so she is pulling out all the stops because she understands what she could lose.
> 
> You hold all the cards, you have to decide what you can live with. Some cheaters do it once and never again and some are serial cheaters that never stop. That’s something you need to find out about her and even then, is once a deal breaker?


Last night we talked more. She did write a timeline, btw. And answered every single question I had. I'd also contacted a local polygraph agency and I'm awaiting their response to my questions. I told her I'm going to polygraph her, she said that was fine, whatever it takes. I am having a hard time believing her, so the polygraph should help get me some answers. I told her if she's caught lying, I'm afraid I couldn't deal with this anymore. Playing games. But she seemed relieved by it, she said, because I keep asking the same questions and there is no more to tell.

Her story was that she wanted to grab the kids and stay at her sisters, while her sis and husband got her a place. That she only asked OM for a ride, because we were fighting and I told her she can't use the car (that stung). She said she really wanted to try and have a go at it on her own, and that doing that w/ the OM would make it so that I wouldn't take her back, as I've told her at the beginning of the relationship that I didn't put up with cheaters. But after she had done that w/ OM, she went back and was talking to her sister. That's when she said she realized she didn't want to move out alone (her sister buys houses and still has one that the WW could move into, rent-to-own), that she see's everything I've done for them, yadda yadda. 

I guess a polygraph is the only way to go. I mean, "did you meet up with him more than once" or "did you talk to him more than 8 times" after she pleaded over and over that was the only time she saw him and she only talked 7 or 8 times, would be a deal-breaker. I gave her so many chances to fess up.

Any and all advice or giving me your take on the situation is very helpful. That's why I'm trying to be detailed, so I can get others assessment (especially females) of what she may have been thinking. Thank you guys, much appreciation!!


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is being truthful. I doubt she got dumped because rejection tends to make people become obsessed with the person rejecting them (she would try to pursue him). Most people can’t handle rejection which is why when you reject someone you become 100x more attractive to them.
> 
> I think she had this big fantasy in her head about riding off into the sunset with the OM but seeing him in person blew that out of the water. He could not live up to her fantasy which caused her to crash back to reality. She now fears you rejecting her so she is pulling out all the stops because she understands what she could lose.
> 
> You hold all the cards, you have to decide what you can live with. Some cheaters do it once and never again and some are serial cheaters that never stop. That’s something you need to find out about her and even then, is once a deal breaker?





convert said:


> your first part does make sense
> that is why we tell BS here that if you beg that does not work and if you have the D paper wrote or served the BS become much more attractive.
> and the 180 --- the 180 is meant for the BS to move on but one of the side effects is that sometimes it bring the WS back


I don't know if I want to win her back. My head says no, my heart says yes. Once again, the heart trumps the head. I figure if she loves me, she will do what it takes, if not... I'm not going to stop her. I mean, if you don't want to be with me anymore, fine, but don't drag my heart through 9 miles of broken glass on the way out. Just go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is being truthful. I doubt she got dumped because rejection tends to make people become obsessed with the person rejecting them (she would try to pursue him). Most people can’t handle rejection which is why when you reject someone you become 100x more attractive to them.
> 
> I think she had this big fantasy in her head about riding off into the sunset with the OM but seeing him in person blew that out of the water. He could not live up to her fantasy which caused her to crash back to reality. She now fears you rejecting her so she is pulling out all the stops because she understands what she could lose.
> 
> You hold all the cards, you have to decide what you can live with. Some cheaters do it once and never again and some are serial cheaters that never stop. That’s something you need to find out about her and even then, is once a deal breaker?


I think that you got it right here. 

From what the OP says, his wife was leaving because she's not been happy in the relationship for a while. 

The OM was sort of a last minute exit meet up. She's not in love with the OM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blatantly Obscure,

If you want to give reconciliation a serious try, I suggest that you first read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will give you a lot of insight into how to go forward.


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Blatantly Obscure,
> 
> If you want to give reconciliation a serious try, I suggest that you first read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will give you a lot of insight into how to go forward.


Thank you, EleGirl. I was hoping to see some women's opinions as guys are horrible at understanding females. Oddly, your previous post is how her story has pieced together, so far. So I'm leaning towards that as being partly the explanation. Her grasp of the English language isn't very tight, so she has a hard time voicing exactly what she's trying to portray. We are still going to do a poly, so there is no room for doubt. I'm definitely going to get that book since you suggested it with high regards.
Thank you. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> Thank you, EleGirl. I was hoping to see some women's opinions as *guys are horrible at understanding females*. Oddly, your previous post is how her story has pieced together, so far. So I'm leaning towards that as being partly the explanation. Her grasp of the English language isn't very tight, so she has a hard time voicing exactly what she's trying to portray. We are still going to do a poly, so there is no room for doubt. I'm definitely going to get that book since you suggested it with high regards.
> Thank you. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!


I'll take my horrible advice elsewhere then..


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> I'll take my horrible advice elsewhere then..


I apologize BobSimmons, I just meant that some things women think are illogical to men. We are wired differently. I value all the males experience here in these situations. As they, too, have a unique perspective that I can relate to. 

I apologize if anyone is offended.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

This one post of yours conveniently collects a few issues I wanted to express my thoughts about.



Blatantly Obscure said:


> Last night we talked more. She did write a timeline, btw. And answered every single question I had. I'd also contacted a local polygraph agency and I'm awaiting their response to my questions. I told her I'm going to polygraph her, she said that was fine, whatever it takes. I am having a hard time believing her, so the polygraph should help get me some answers. I told her if she's caught lying, I'm afraid I couldn't deal with this anymore. Playing games. But she seemed relieved by it, she said, because I keep asking the same questions and there is no more to tell.


Either she's a supreme liar, or she really is kind of putting it all out there for you. Whatever you do, you have to proceed in parallel. Everything she says and does from now on, analyze it once from the approach of honesty, and once from the approach of lying. Choose courses of action that apply to BOTH situations whenever possible. Time, more incidents and verifying them (VAR, snooping, talking to the OM) will help clarify which it is. Also, counselling.



Blatantly Obscure said:


> Her story was that she wanted to grab the kids and stay at her sisters, while her sis and husband got her a place.


This rings huge alarm bells with me. Whatever happens, you now know you are dealing with a woman who believes that the children are possessions which she owns and can distribute according to her own desires. If you want anything approaching equal parenting and custody, it is going to be a big fight with her.



Blatantly Obscure said:


> That she only asked OM for a ride, because we were fighting and I told her she can't use the car (that stung). She said she really wanted to try and have a go at it on her own, and that doing that w/ the OM would make it so that I wouldn't take her back, as I've told her at the beginning of the relationship that I didn't put up with cheaters.


This part tells me she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. Whatever was going on in the relationship before her affair, those are her true feelings. She wanted out but was afraid to actually do it. Who knows how long she has been thinking this. Because you told her that you would never tolerate a cheater, she used cheating as her exit strategy. Because of what you had said, she knew you wouldn't take her back and the relationship would be over, and she couldn't change her mind.



Blatantly Obscure said:


> But after she had done that w/ OM, she went back and was talking to her sister. That's when she said she realized she didn't want to move out alone (her sister buys houses and still has one that the WW could move into, rent-to-own), that she see's everything I've done for them, yadda yadda.


Maybe she did have the naive thought that this OM would pick up the husband role where you left off, or maybe her sister knocked a dose of reality about home management into her. It doesn't matter. What matters is that she didn't want to be married to you anymore, but she doesn't want to be alone either. I think even if she is genuinely trying to reconcile now (bribing you with the kinkies) that the issues that had her wanting to leave will re-occur. If you really want to try to reconcile, a lot of counselling is necessary.



Blatantly Obscure said:


> I guess a polygraph is the only way to go. I mean, "did you meet up with him more than once" or "did you talk to him more than 8 times" after she pleaded over and over that was the only time she saw him and she only talked 7 or 8 times, would be a deal-breaker. I gave her so many chances to fess up.


These answers aren't actually all that important in the grand scheme of things. The need for exact answers about how the affair went down are not nearly as important as her answers about what she was truly feeling about your relationship in the time leading up to wanting out of it. She wanted the relationship to be over, for unknown reasons. She just used the affair as the best means she could find to burn the relationship bridge behind her. Now that she sees the bridge may still be there, it's up to her what steps she takes to rebuild the underlying structural damage that existed before she tried to burn it. The method of burning is irrelevant.



Blatantly Obscure said:


> Any and all advice or giving me your take on the situation is very helpful. That's why I'm trying to be detailed, so I can get others assessment (especially females) of what she may have been thinking. Thank you guys, much appreciation!!


In my experience with women, they are often not thinking at all. They rely on feelings, sometimes without interpreting those feelings or investigating where they come from. The mistake lies in asking them "what were you thinking!?" because the answer is going to be "I don't know!" and it isn't a lie. The better question is "what were you feeling?" and to interpret those answers takes counselling.

Unless you fix these underlying issues, she's just going to become dissatisfied in the relationship again once she has cemented it back together with the kinky sex. And then she'll have another meaningless affair to make sure to drive you away for good so she won't be tempted by the security you provide despite her lack of love for you.

On the surface, it sounds to me like she felt you weren't there for her when she wanted you to be. You played on your computer instead of coming to bed with her. She wanted closeness, not just sex, but plain old nearness. She even put a TV in the bedroom to lure you to spend more time there with her but you didn't fall for it.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

The reality is she forever changed your marriage, your relationship, your lives together. It will never be the same as it was. She's got to understand that, you've got to understand that. Only when you both get to that place in time does the healing start and can you both start to move on either together or apart. Sadly, the ride has just started. 

The whole marriage and relationship can be better, but R is a long hard road for us bs's. It's hard for the ww's too. It hard for the marriage, hard for the life that follows. 

As soon as my h affair was found out he bc very clingy, didnt want to be away from me for the fact he was so afraid he'ld lose me. We didnt bond, we slept apart that night since. You have that in your favor that you did not take that path, but then your a guy. 

Many of us say we will not stay with a cheater until it happens to us, it's a horrible place our spouse puts us in. I'm sorry you joined our club. 

-sammy


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> This one post of yours conveniently collects a few issues I wanted to express my thoughts about.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





sammy3 said:


> The reality is she forever changed your marriage, your relationship, your lives together. It will never be the same as it was. She's got to understand that, you've got to understand that. Only when you both get to that place in time does the healing start and can you both start to move on either together or apart. Sadly, the ride has just started.
> 
> The whole marriage and relationship can be better, but R is a long hard road for us bs's. It's hard for the ww's too. It hard for the marriage, hard for the life that follows.
> 
> ...


This is what has me so torn. Should I stand by my word/ belief... but I love her and the kids, us as a family. It's been a wake-up call, even if we don't work it out I will never neglect a gf/ wife like that again. I was just going through the motions... on auto-pilot, for a while. Then the rug gets pulled out from under you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Blatantly Obscure said:


> This is what has me so torn. Should I stand by my word/ belief... but I love her and the kids, us as a family. It's been a wake-up call, even if we don't work it out I will never neglect a gf/ wife like that again. I was just going through the motions... on auto-pilot, for a while. Then the rug gets pulled out from under you.



Yeap, I totally get it, I've been 3 years in the making... it all comes down to our sense of self, as infidelity makes one look at things in ways one would never ever before. It's a life changing...

-sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> I'll take my horrible advice elsewhere then..


 No, we need you BobSimmons, there a place for you too! 

-sammy


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

just saying be careful on the advice given here it is 90% good but varies from case to case. some here have given you advice to go the R route but if it was the other way around they would be advising your wife to D you so fast it would make your head spin.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I wonder how many more times she will use this story as an excuse. If it works once....

Please take care.


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## Blatantly Obscure (May 12, 2014)

terrence4159 said:


> just saying be careful on the advice given here it is 90% good but varies from case to case. some here have given you advice to go the R route but if it was the other way around they would be advising your wife to D you so fast it would make your head spin.


Hmmm... interesting. I don't want to read in between the lines too much here, as I have been reading a LOT of threads here lately and have not seen that trend. Duly noted. I love this site though. A little tough-love touch to it, but you can tell it is brought on by raw experiences and everyone here wants to help others.


Update, if anyone cares:

Well, currently we are seeking counseling, awaiting to get a polygraph done, and she said we can put the house into my name only. She writes me a letter every day on her break and has been bending over backwards for me. I, too, have been more attentive and so far it seems everything is 1,000x better than before. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I told her if things slip back into that old rut, that we have to get separate housing and try to raise the children 50/50. I will not fall back into our old hell we called love. It was so gradual, and both of us so bold-headed, that we never saw it coming... it just ebbed in unnoticeably (<-- guess that's not a word, but I like it, sorry). A lot hinges on the polygraph, whether I can trust her or not, if she was telling the truth about everything in her story. I know I look like a sucker to a lot of the gentlemen here, but it's the hardest choice I've ever been faced with. I was just like you "I will never take back a cheater... F that... they're gone!" I guess 15yrs and 4 children have changed my perspective a bit. Thanks for the help/ advice/ input, everyone.


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