# Unattached to husband



## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

My husband is very tall and skinny. He has a bit of a concave chest. I work out a lot and I have encouraged him to work out with me. His response is "do you are saying I'm fat and out of shape". I said no I just want a work out partner! He only hears what he wants to hear. 

This is a trend in all areas of our relationship. He wants what he wants. And uses passive aggressive tones to guilt me into not talking. 

He also likes to text me repeatedly when he knows I'm out with friends or at work. He will consistently call everyday when he knows I have a scheduled meeting. I've kindly reminded him of this.. And he just says "I guess you just don't want to talk to me..."

He will make dinners... Scrub floors. He loves doing those kinds of things. But doesn't want to act like a MAN. 

A coworker pulled me aside tonight. She knows my issues. She's seen him badgering me while we are hanging out. She said that it's bothering her.. Knowing what I put up with and what I'm exposing our 7 year old son to... She knows I've considered divorce. And tonight I'm wondering if she is right. 

We don't have sex. If we do.. He will walk in on me while I'm taking a shower and tells he wouldn't want to waste water. 

Also he Won't give me privacy when I'm getting dressed. Seems to walk in on me everytime I'm trying to change. Gets mad if I close the door. 

How does this sound to someone on the outside? 






*posted by me for girlfriend who is scared to have this on computer history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds to me like a man who doesn't respect boundaries. Not something I would put up with for long!


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Repeat


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Does he know you have these problems with you. Why does a co worker know your issues? But not your husband. You have a problem if your husband sees you while your getting dresses? maybe I don't have enough back story here, but your picking some pretty trivial things.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Can you give us more information about you and your husband?


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

More background -- ages/how long together/schooling/jobs-careers/ etc -- other info relating to getting a better picture.


Not knowing the whole story -- have you tried IC and MC ??

BTW is the co-worker giving this advice single/married/separated/divorced/cheating on her spouse ??


----------



## torani (May 6, 2013)

makemesee said:


> This is a trend in all areas of our relationship. He wants what he wants. And uses passive aggressive tones to guilt me into not talking.
> 
> He also likes to text me repeatedly when he knows I'm out with friends or at work. He will consistently call everyday when he knows I have a scheduled meeting. I've kindly reminded him of this.. And he just says "I guess you just don't want to talk to me..."
> 
> ...


I don't know if this will help because I am a woman, but, my partner started closing the door when he got dressed. It was a new behavior for him and it bothered me a bit. I felt like he did it because we were fighting a lot and he was shutting me out of his life...

There is NO reason why he shouldn't be able to close the door when he gets dressed, that's normal! 

However, my own insecurities, doubts about our relationship at the time (I felt he was pulling away from me and even cheating) made me act irrational about simple things like that. 

because I felt he was cheating, every behavior made me question him. He works pretty predictable hours and when he suddenly started working late it made me wonder about what was REALLY going on.

I never did the shower thing or text/call all day but I really think her H is worried about something in their relationship, maybe he is worried about her pulling away from him and wondering why its happening. Instead of communicating with her, he is acting out....

I came to the conclusion pretty quickly that my irrational behavior really was coming from my insecurities and worries about his possible infidelity. 

but my behavior was NOT normal... they need to talk about it and I agree it should be done in IC or MC... the truth behind his insecurities about their relationship needs to be brought to the table so he can start resolving them.

Its ok for her to have some privacy! Lock the bathroom door when she showers or changes. She can inform him that she wont answer texts/calls when at work if she is too busy. Don't let it bother her when he tries to guilt her into not responding immediately... ie.. you just don't want to talk to me... that is just HIS insecurities, if she is working he will have to wait until she can get back to him. That IS normal... 

Her friend should be supportive but be cautious about telling her to end the relationship. It IS her husband and it may backfire on the friend if they DO and CAN work it out... and I wouldn't want to lose a gf over that.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i can't tell if you've talking to your husband or not about this issues. does he know that what he does bothers you? that he is overly critical? that he is passive aggressive and it is getting you down? does he know that you are unhappy in this marriage? has he changed or has he always been this way?

No sex? when did this start? as difficult as it is to communicate about these things, you need to bite the bullet and talk about it more. if you've tried and he shuts you down, or pins the blame on you, then write him a letter.

one thing is for sure, either you two need to re-discover why you fell in love with each other and find that spark and mutual respect again, or this marriage is doomed, even if you stay married to him.

Re: the getting dressed in privacy issue, if you get dressed in your room, which is his room too, why should he stay out? I understand why he would feel shut out if you need to keep him out for this issue.

I agree with you on all other issues, though. He sounds very insecure.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My first reaction to this is "what's his name?"

The shear amount of obvious disdain for your husband..closing the door when your changing? I've never heard of that kind of "privacy" in a marriage...maybe I'm naive.

He senses you pulling away (you're making it obvious) and his natural reaction is to hold tighter. Which annoys you further. But if you already are feeling like you don't want him, nothing he tries to "change" will be good enough.

If you want things to get better (although you've already indicated you want a divorce so....) you should probably let him know firmly how you feel.


----------



## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

sinnister said:


> My first reaction to this is "what's his name?"
> 
> The shear amount of obvious disdain for your husband..closing the door when your changing? I've never heard of that kind of "privacy" in a marriage...maybe I'm naive.
> 
> ...


 :iagree:

Well said.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I see why you name this thread the way you did. 

I don't know maybe my H and i are odd but the only time we want privacy is during elimination. I thought couple are thrilled to be joined in the shower. And the only negative to watching each other dress is the possibility that it could lead to undressing. 

But I don't know we're still in our formative years (8 yrs married) so maybe listen to those who have been at it longer than us. 

As for his PA I'm with others - has she given him reasons be? I assume she chose the thread title which is saying a lot about how she views him.


----------



## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

No I'm def not cheating. And he has always been on me like this and we have been to therapy several times. The reason I have trouble with the dressing part is probably two fold. In the past he had used that time to eye up my body and make comments about my body... Like you've lost some weight .. Keep up the good work. Etc. it makes me very unconfident. 


History is ... Married for 13 years. Both work full time and then some. No infidelity. He is very demanding and critical. But has improved some since therapy. He also preferred porn to sex for awhile and now I've lost attraction to him. I don't know if this is just a product of being married this long or just a bad marriage. 




committed4ever said:


> I see why you name this thread the way you did.
> 
> I don't know maybe my H and i are odd but the only time we want privacy is during elimination. I thought couple are thrilled to be joined in the shower. And the only negative to watching each other dress is the possibility that it could lead to undressing.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

I should also point out that we are near bankruptcy from previous overspending. I was an enabler. But I do feel rresentment because "I" an the one trying to come up with outside business ideas...I am the one trying to save us. He just wants me to file and be done with it. He even suggested at one point that I sue my mother for part of my father's life insurance... I must admit that I have a lot of anger. My question is can I even overcome that? 

That makes the little things worse. Like yesterday. He texted me at work to complain that I didn't fully close the laundry room door and the temperature was too warm in the house.. Because of MY mistake. 





makemesee said:


> No I'm def not cheating. And he has always been on me like this and we have been to therapy several times. The reason I have trouble with the dressing part is probably two fold. In the past he had used that time to eye up my body and make comments about my body... Like you've lost some weight .. Keep up the good work. Etc. it makes me very unconfident.
> 
> 
> History is ... Married for 13 years. Both work full time and then some. No infidelity. He is very demanding and critical. But has improved some since therapy. He also preferred porn to sex for awhile and now I've lost attraction to him. I don't know if this is just a product of being married this long or just a bad marriage.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Well after reading the supporting information you've provided you definately have legitimate gripes.

I dont want to defend him - in fact the opposite. He will be the type of man on this very forum in a few months complaining that he has a walkaway wife, and that you blindsided him.

The fact of the matter is, we don't speak your language. Even when you make things plain as day to see, to the point a 5 year old would get it...we don't.

I've come to this realization as something in my own marriage occured last night that made the light bulb burn pretty freakin bright.

We are men. We just don't get it sometimes.

The text about the laundry door...that is the type of "death by a thousand needles" that murders a wifes love for a husband. I really REALLY hope he gets a handle on it and fast.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You both irritate and annoy each other.

Nobody will win this war & your son is the innocent victim.

I think you may benefit from third party help - counseling.


----------



## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Actually I used to find him attractive... And very intelligent. But I've since seen him do some very stupid things that have been extremely detrimental to us. He insults people at my company parties and Makes enemies with his sarcasm. Problem is he does not mean to. He really just doesn't realize how mean his words can seem. I've tried to kindly help him. But it always makes him feel bad do I tend to get passive aggressive responses. Now I just ignore it but I resent it. 

I just keep wondering if I will regret not having him in my life. But I feel like he's teaching our son bad things. Telling him things like.. When mommy's new business takes offaybe we can get a new car or new house etc...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

It reads like you're married to my STBXH. 

It likewise reads as if you are married to a Passive-Aggressive.

I have decided to file for divorce. I would suggest SERIOUS therapy; or you will most likely consider the same. The behavior is PATHOLOGIC and will not change without professional help.

Best of luck to you.


----------



## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

Sounds like a classic Passive Aggressive dbag to me. Get out of that marriage and away from his crazy. I was married to one for way too long....****, one day is a day too long.


----------



## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

The thing is ... I'm not perfect either. And I'm nervous that I can't handle life with divorce. I know in reality I do a lot of emotional handholding for my husband, but I'm nervous. I used to be this vibrant happy person and I've turned into a tired, worn down ... Wine drinking mother. I listen to motivational speeches online and that helps.., but I'm scared. I used to be so happy and 
Outgoing... But I'm not that person anymore. Just feeling damned if I do and damned if I don't...



Princess Puffin'stuff said:


> Sounds like a classic Passive Aggressive dbag to me. Get out of that marriage and away from his crazy. I was married to one for way too long....****, one day is a day too long.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

makemesee said:


> The thing is ... I'm not perfect either. And I'm nervous that I can't handle life with divorce. I know in reality I do a lot of emotional handholding for my husband, but I'm nervous. I used to be this vibrant happy person and I've turned into a tired, worn down ... Wine drinking mother. I listen to motivational speeches online and that helps.., but I'm scared. I used to be so happy and
> Outgoing... But I'm not that person anymore. Just feeling damned if I do and damned if I don't...
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perfect? He has really done a number on you, eh?

You're co-dependent. He's successfully beat the happiness out of you with his PA gaslighting and you've lost your happy. He WANTS you to be nervous so he can keep his emotional punching bag around. I finally walked away from the crazy and my happiness came back in a few months. It had been gone for so long that I barely recognized it when it started coming back. 

See a counselor, an attorney and start making some moves to protect yourself financially and otherwise. Divorcing an Passive Aggressive is almost harder than staying married to one, but it's like pulling off a band-aid and the intense pain is only temporary.


----------



## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

Princess Puffin'stuff said:


> Perfect? He has really done a number on you, eh?
> 
> You're co-dependent. He's successfully beat the happiness out of you with his PA gaslighting and you've lost your happy. He WANTS you to be nervous so he can keep his emotional punching bag around. I finally walked away from the crazy and my happiness came back in a few months. It had been gone for so long that I barely recognized it when it started coming back. .


Princess PnS took the words right out of my mouth (fingers)....

Get thee to a counselor, posthaste. Let me tell you, he WANTS you scared, anxious, insecure, et al. I know, because I was (am)there. I can tell you stories about the gaslighting, blindsiding, withholding (sex, affection, or anything else you want), blaming, whining, excuse-making.... sound familiar?

IT'S PASSIVE AGGRESSION. Start reading up on it. Seriously.

and D'ing a PA is like water-boarding. You feel like you're drowning, but then you're allowed to breathe again, only until he wants you submerged again.

Do you journal? I do. And whenever I start doubting my decision to D I read through my posts. It snaps me right back to reality.

You have to stay strong..ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE KIDS! While they will love their dad, they CAN NOT see you treated like this. They will think this is normal.

(((hugs)))

ps.... if you wish to PM me, please do. I think you need some support.


----------

