# Therapist suggests a Trial Separation



## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Hello all! I'm new to this forum but need some help. 
Quick background: Been married for 9-1/2 years, 2 kids. Hubby recently told me he doesn't know if he wants to be married, he's just not happy anymore and doesn't know if he's in love with me. 
I absolutely don't want to separate, but I know how unhappy he is, and how unhappy he's making me. He has some anger issues, although never physically or verbally abusive. He's been seeing a therapist for about 5 years on and off, but we're now seeing a new therapist that says we absolutely need to separate. The sex has stopped since the birth of our 14 month old, and he's been online A LOT more often... and I accidently saw a text from a female about "getting things in order." I know he's not having a physical affair - but perhaps an emotional one. I am just stunned and don't know what to do. Most of the years have been great... a bit rocky after the birth of our kids, but nothing horrible. Do trial separations work? How do I act? He says he wants to work on things... to try to get some feelings back.... how do I plan for this? So sad.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I don't think separation will help your marriage.

It will give him license to take that EA to a PA.

He may be trying to beat he system.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The separation is for him to decide whether he can live without you or not.

Or to try out a new relationship.

It's not to save your marriage.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

How do I save the marriage? The therapist says a trial separation will make him decide what he wants... and he's quite sure that being away will make him realize what he's missing. We have a friend that he can stay with that will keep an eye on things.... but should I be doing something different? I can't believe my marriage is crumbling and there's nothing I can do but wait for him?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

The standard advice in this situation is for you to show him what a divorce will really be like. Don't initiate contact with him, keep it to short emails or texts about the kids or absolutely necessary financial contact. Consult a lawyer about this, but I think you'll want to take half the money from the joint account and open your own account and start depositing your paychecks in there. He doesn't get access to your income any more. Decide what kind of custody arrangement you'll want, and he can see the kids on that schedule.

And, take care of yourself! Work out, get a new hobby, start putting more effort into your hair, makeup, and clothes. Let him see that you're an awesome, attractive woman who wants him but doesn't need him. 

Also you can post on the Coping with Infidelity forum for advice on how to find out if it's just an emotional affair, or it's gotten physical too. They're experts and finding this stuff out.

Hugs and best of luck to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Thanks Northernlights for the advice. We have always had separate accounts, but I am the breadwinner, so my income is protected. I've always been smart about stuff like that (thankfully, although never thinking it would come to this.)
Good advice all around. We see the therapist tonight, so hopefully I'll get some more clarity/explanation. I am awesome, and I will show him that by not being his punching bag while he sorts his life out, I suppose. I'm sorry I'm going through this, too.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi Sparky. Sorry you are going through this. Didn’t the therapist suggest other things? Date nights, relationship exercises.....something beyond separation?

Search this site for the 180, or google it. Implement the strategies. It will give him a good look at what life after D will look like.

Good luck.


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## OnlyTime (Jun 22, 2013)

I don't believe a separation is ever any good MOST of the time...Do you work or are you a stay at home mom?...If you do not have your own finances you really need to consult someone legally who can prepare you for that part..Him being online 'all the time' is currently filling what ever he feels he is lacking..Basically you cannot do anything to 'make him love you' but you can help yourself at least financially in case it gets to that point.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

" I know he's not having a physical affair - but perhaps an emotional one."

You can't be certain he's not having a physical affair. Either way, a separation just means he gets to have a love nest with his AP. And as the breadwinner, are you going to support that financially?


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

I am sorry you are going through this... 

I am very surprised to hear that your counselor suggested a trial separation. 

I like the 180 suggestion...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Spark,

Any way to place a voice-activated recorder under his carseat?

You'll know what you need to know in a few days.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

So the hubby moved out and we are at the start of a 2 month separation, with the first 2 weeks no contact as much as we can avoid. I'm hurting so bad inside as I don't want this. The person he's been talking to lives out of state and divorced, but there is no attraction there, he says she's just been giving him separation advice. He said he's been having homosexual dreams, doesn't know why he feels nothing towards me, and needed time away to just get some clarity. He is renting a room for $500 a month, which I'm sure he'll short pay from the house bills. Am I a dummy to think this could actually have a happy ending for me? I want him back, I miss him terribly, as he's my best friend, too. 
I work fully time, and so far my kids no nothing - they just think he's on a work trip. Do I contact an attorney? Do I just sit and wait till he decides my fate? Anyone in a similar situation? I'm just stuck.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sparky, sorry to hear about the separation. There really is no such thing as a "trial" separation. I personally believe your counsellor was misguided trying to convince you to agree to it, you wanted to save the marriage it is ALL on him to leave. My personal view on any relationship is that you are all in or all out, anything else is disrespectful. it also doesn't bode well for you that he has a single woman he has been confiding in, I expect this is a full on affair, and when you find out about it he will tell you it is not cheating because you are separate and it doesn't count as cheating. At this time, even though you are living apart you are still husband and wife, I would suggest doing as much investigating as you can to find out his real reason for wanting space, and if you find evidence of the affair keep gathering until you have enough to expose it and bust it up, especially if you still think you'd want to save the marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

And yes, call an attorney to draft a separation agreement (your therapist should have advised this if she was advising separation).


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Yes go see an attorney. Right now, you need to take action should he not come back. You need to discuss child support/spousal support/visitation now. If this drags on for you and the children everyone will benefit from some sort of structure. This does not mean that you ever have to divorce. It means that you are pro-actively taking care of you and the children. It will also smack him in the head with a little reality.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Thanks Lon and Pluto! 
I thankfully have a friend that is a really great divorce attorney so we're meeting on Monday, but wow, what an expense. I also believe that you're either in or OUT, but he doesn't want to continue living where he's not happy - and he's upset most of the time - just fits of anger, and my daughter is starting to catch on. He doesn't show any affection to me, only to our kids. I am the one who makes the money, and I want to make sure I don't lose the house... or have to pay him spousal support. I just feel like I'm going to lose so much more than just my husband. And i dont want to lose anything.  I want my best friend back. 

We do have separation rules in place, suggested by our therapist: 
Continue wearing the rings. 
No cheating
No dating
No broadcasting of the separation to friends / family
2 weeks of min contact followed by 2 months of separation seeing the kids and possible date nights if the hubby wants it.

Ugh. this is all ridiculous. And Sad.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Sparky70 said:


> Do I contact an attorney? Do I just sit and wait till he decides my fate? Anyone in a similar situation? I'm just stuck.


You mean you two did not come up with some kind of agreement for this sort of thing during your separation? Usually a therapeutic separation involves making an agreement about things like whether or not to see other people, what kind of contact to have, agreements not to talk to attorney's, etc. You need to talk to that counselor about this. I cannot believe you did not get guidance on this from the start. What did you two agree on for the separation?

Use this time to focus on yourself. You are focusing way too much on him. Time to start working on your own social networks, your physical appearance, and you personal growth. Individual counseling might be of help to you during this time especially.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

sorry, didn't see that last message before I posted.

Do not contact a lawyer. That breaks your agreement. 

Work on yourself. Get hobbies; make new friends, join a gym, etc.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't see how contacting a lawyer breaks any existing separation agreement.

And while I believe that a separation is a futile fear tactic that only works when the one leaving was self-deluded enough to not realize that they were dependent on the loyal co-dependant spouse for their survival, and the temporary loss of their personal home-maker is enough to shake them up into staying, I do agree with Arendt that this is a time for you to work on yourself. Definitely look up the 180 on this site, it will help you along the process immensely (if you are not adopting such a coping mechanism already).


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Thanks to all that are helping me see more clearly. 

Lon, I found the 180 list and printed it out. It really does speak volumes. So much of what I've been doing is for him. It makes sense. I will learn more this weekend. And I have a therapy session slotted for Monday.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Sparky70 said:


> The person he's been talking to lives out of state and divorced, but there is no attraction there, he says she's just been giving him separation advice. He said he's been having homosexual dreams, doesn't know why he feels nothing towards me, and needed time away to just get some clarity.


I would really not believe the 'no attraction' line. Have you looked into how often they talk and how long it has been going on? If you find out the EA (or PA) has been going before he decided he wanted separation, you might react a little differently. 

I also disagree with the trial separation so that he can 'figure things out'. It just means he will get to pursue his EA with more privacy.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If you decide to stick around, you may be with us a little while. 

Besides finding more out about this other relationship, in order to get the best advice it might be best to expand on your story a little bit.

What kind of childhoods did you and your H have?

Married about 10 years. Did you or he have many relationships before getting married? Did you guys date a long time before getting married? How old are your 2 kids? How is his relationship with your kids?

How long has your H been down? Angry? Do you have any ideas about the source? 

Has he ever shared anything about what he discusses in therapy. 5 years is a long time to be in it, so either there is something pretty serious going on there or his IC is just milking it and doing a piss poor job of it.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

I have been following the 180 rules and they are helping a ton! I also met with an attorney again and know my rights and what I need to prepare for. My hubby and I are meeting for dinner tomorrow night and I'm super nervous about what's going to transpire. We just finished up 2-1/2 weeks of very little contact, he has talked to our older daughter 3 times on the phone and that's it. I have to admit our household is much calmer and happy without him around. We are supposed to start our 2 month separation now, and I have no idea what to tell the kids. I still want this marriage to work, and don't want to tell my daughter anything until something is final. My questions for the group: 
1. What to tell my daughter? Do we continue telling her that my hubby is in AZ with his job? Or that he's only home on weekends? He wants to see the kids now, but I'm hating that he gets to do whatever the hell he wants. 
2. What do people do that are in trial separations? Continue to date? How often should we talk? The therapist said that it's up to us, but clearly we don't know how to communicate right now. Any advice? 

thanks to all.....


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sparky70 said:


> he has talked to our older daughter 3 times on the phone and that's it. I have to admit our household is much calmer and happy without him around.


I think this speaks volumes about your relationship.




Sparky70 said:


> 1. What to tell my daughter? Do we continue telling her that my hubby is in AZ with his job? Or that he's only home on weekends? He wants to see the kids now, but I'm hating that he gets to do whatever the hell he wants.


This is where the rubber meets the road. Personally I agree with most posters, separations are just for a person to get ready to be single. They almost never lead to a stronger marriage (Never say never, but I see very few people get back together after a "trial" separation).

He does not get to do whatever he wants. I would treat this as a true separation and prepare for your future. Put some legal actions in place to protect yourself and give you some stability. Get a separation agreement in place that will cover custody arrangments, child support, and division of the marital assets. 

As for your kids, you will have to use your best judgment. I am not big on lying to anyone, better to be up front and deal with the result. It will hurt a lot, but I know my kids did not really understand until my ex moved out. Then it turned into a reality for them and it sucked. I would get them prepared.



Sparky70 said:


> 2. What do people do that are in trial separations? Continue to date? How often should we talk? The therapist said that it's up to us, but clearly we don't know how to communicate right now. Any advice?


That depends on the people involved. Like I said, most prepare for being single. Some try to rekindle the marriage but it does not sound like your husband has done a thing. 

You can judge a man a lot by his actions. What has your husband done that shows he is working on himself and your marriage?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree, do NOT lie to the kids. Tell them Mom and Dad are taking a break to figure out why your yell at each other and its easier to figure that out when the other is not in the house. Reassure them the house is their home, they have two parents who love them, and none of it is their fault. In an ideal situation they two of you would have this conversation with them together. So good luck with that.
You do not have to put up with him coming and going whenever the mood strikes him. Schedule it. Its better for the kids and for you.
Date if you want. If your purpose is to R, you both need to determine what actions are required and you both need to verify that those actions are taking place. 
Mine had no interest in us once he left.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

C3256 --- I meant do we continue to date one another? I don't want to date anyone else - I want him. I don't know (and don't want) to prepare a 5 year old that her father wants to live somewhere else. That he loves the kids, but not their mother? Ahhhh... I hate this. 
But you are 100% right - his actions speak volumes. 

Pluto2 - thanks. I want to Reconcile, absolutely. I think he's already moved on. But he tells his family he's working on it, so who knows. I will get a plan in action and act accordingly after meeting with him, I suppose. I'm sorry you had the outcome you did.  

I just hope I'm strong enough to tell him the things I need to tell him.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Met with hubby last night. I guess him not wearing his wedding right should have been the first sign. 

I thought the dinner was to discuss how to move forward with reconcilliation during the trial separation. But really it was just an arena to vent about how horrible the last 4 years have been for him. 

I guess we're headed to divorce. After crying all night, I know this is for the best. I don't want my kids around his anger and my unhappiness. 

I don't even know where to start. I need to protect my assets and more importantly take care of my kids. 

Advice on the next steps? A different forum?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I am so sorry,Sparky. 

See an attorney. Many give a free half-hour consult so that you can see if the fit feels right. Go in with a list of questions, because once the half-hour is up, they will charge. When I did this, I was able to get a statement of how much child support and spousal support my H should be paying. Take both his and your statement of earning or latest tax returns.

Talk to someone at your bank and get some financial advice. If you don't already have one, get an account in your name. Apply for a credit card in your name. Think about doing it in your maiden name, so it is completely separated from him. You will need your birth certificate and marriage certificate. 

See your insurance agent. Have your H removed as your beneficiary. I was advised to take ownership of his policy to protect our children. That way he couldn't change me as the beneficiary and put OW instead. You can have it written into the separation agreement that he give you the money for the policy as part of the financial agreement. That way, he continues to pay, but you and your children remain the beneficiaries. This is important because if anything happens to him, child and spousal support end. You will need the insurance money. Ownership of the policy should be signed over to you. Your agent can advise you as to how to do this.

Hug.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

was trying to respond to Tron but didn't quite figure it out. Need to re-read some rules. Sorry.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Hit the "quote" button at the bottom of each post to quote that response/question. I think there is a multiquote function as well. 

You can manipulate the "[" and "]" and "/" to copy and paste sections you want to respond to. Takes a little practice and is a real pain to do on an iPad, but much easier on a computer.

Good luck.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Tron said:


> If you decide to stick around, you may be with us a little while.
> 
> Besides finding more out about this other relationship, in order to get the best advice it might be best to expand on your story a little bit.
> 
> ...


Both H and I were children of divorce. Mom left when I was 10, dad left him about the same time. Both married about 10 years in the first marriage. Mine was happy, his was hard with the stepdad. 

We dated for exactly one year before getting married. We both had a few relationships before marriage... nothing worth expanding on. Both hetero. 

Kids are 5 and 14 months.... hubby loves the 5 year old dearly, and isn't as loving with the baby.... hasn't spent equal time. 

H has been angry for about 4 years - they think it's due to a childhood event, but who knows? 

I'm just so saddened by how abruptly he has moved on with no concern for my well being. Or the kids. No calls, no texts, nothing.


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