# Yelled at my wife, again



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I am doing the whole "no more mr. nice guy" thing and it works wonders for me. In fact this is so good that I don't even visit the forum that often!

One thing which is not that easy is the fact that my wife is so negative all day. I know it's coming from lack of security etc. but the results are still the same. She can criticize me all day and night, sometimes giving me like 100 $hit tests per hours.. comments, complains, critique, you name it.

Most of them I handled pretty well, but sometimes - like this morning - I just gave up to my desire and yelled at her to stop acting like this.

You know what's funny? In her "sober" moments (this is what I call those times she start opening up a little and say how she realized the way she acts is wrong etc.) she really understand and express her mistakes... yet in her drunk moments, when she is angry, all good insights are just gone.

I wish she would go to a good therpasit. She can enjoy life so much better.

To all of you with these type of stories, just feel so bad for your wife. She is stuck in the mud and have no clue how to get out. You suffer from her, but she suffers so much more.

(This is not to say that you should accept every $hit test etc. You must practice again and again how to handle them... but at least feel horrible for your wife)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I feel sympathy.

I stopped feeling responsibility long ago.

Watching the trajectory of my ex's life post separation and divorce, has actually made it clearer to me how little I had to do with her emotional state.

She's working at it, and I sincerely and truly hope she becomes a joyful person.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I feel sympathy.
> 
> I stopped feeling responsibility long ago.
> 
> ...


When did she start working?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Conrad said:


> When did she start working?


Baby steps, Conrad ... baby steps.
Maybe better stated that she's working up to working at it.

Don't think she will ever be a 'balanced' partner. The only people she is going to actively, and unconditionally 'give' to, are her children. Guessing you can relate to that?

The boyfriend will stick around for as long as he continues to believe that he is lucky to have her, and he gets laid once in a while. He's not a bad guy, but as you might imagine ... way too nice and eager to please.

That sounds more bitter than I truly intend.

We still work pretty well together.

On the flip-side, josh, do be aware of if, and when you are flying off the handle.

There is nothing wrong with being stern, and serious about your displeasure with her behavior. But ... try to always maintain a measure of control. Once you lose it ... you also run the risk of losing the message you are trying to convey and having her focus on the delivery.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Josh,
Your W is predictable. Prepare your head for her bad behavior and pre-plan your response. If you can't come up with humor, just hold up your hand in a "this is not ok gesture", shake your head "like you are saying no", and just say "stop". Thats it. One word. Low key but firm body langauge. If she continues, leave the room. If she follows you, go in a room and close a door between the two of you. If you cannot do that, leave the house. 

Oddly enough, losing your temper and yelling is a show of weakness to her. It means she can manipulate your emotions. 

Calmly leaving her presence is an enforcement of your boundaries. Once she learns that you consistently walk away she will begin to change her behavior. 

But that ALSO means that when you return and she acts friendly and tries to pretend she didn't do anything wrong earlier you need to be cool/cold for a while to reinforce the message that her behavior is not ok. 

When you are again in her presence after you walked away, if you act like a happy puppy dog when she pretends nothing happened you are telling her that you are ok with being kicked whenever she feels like it. Women HATE puppy dog behavior. 

You really need to learn to be cool/cold without being hostile. Hostile is giving her the silent treatment. Cool/cold is not initiating conversation, and keeping your responses to a minimum. 

If she asks "whats wrong" which she may, you can just smile and say "if I had recorded the way you spoke to me, would you be ok with me playing that conversation to our friends and family or would you be embarressed"? She may ask if you did record it. Don't answer that. Because it doesn't matter. What matters is whether she would be ok with it. I guarantee she wouldn't be. And when she admits that you can ask her a simple question. "If you know you treated me badly before, why didn't you apologize when I came back to the house"?

Do NOT answer that question for her. Do not tell her she doesn't respect you. Just ask the question. And if she resumes being aggressive - repeat the hand up/stop and walk away. 

It will take 5-10 cycles of this before she mostly stops. But ONLY if you stay calm. If you let her provoke you into yelling you are not changing the pattern, you are reinforcing it. 





joshbjoshb said:


> I am doing the whole "no more mr. nice guy" thing and it works wonders for me. In fact this is so good that I don't even visit the forum that often!
> 
> One thing which is not that easy is the fact that my wife is so negative all day. I know it's coming from lack of security etc. but the results are still the same. She can criticize me all day and night, sometimes giving me like 100 $hit tests per hours.. comments, complains, critique, you name it.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Josh,
> Your W is predictable. Prepare your head for her bad behavior and pre-plan your response. If you can't come up with humor, just hold up your hand in a "this is not ok gesture", shake your head "like you are saying no", and just say "stop". Thats it. One word. Low key but firm body langauge. If she continues, leave the room. If she follows you, go in a room and close a door between the two of you. If you cannot do that, leave the house.
> 
> Oddly enough, losing your temper and yelling is a show of weakness to her. It means she can manipulate your emotions.
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Bad behavior needs an audience. So do the stop thing and go to another room and shut the door, or go for walk, or a bike ride, or a car ride...


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