# Coping With Porn and a lot more



## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

Hi board!! brand new here. I'd like some advice on a long term issue that is non-judgemental and productive. I am happy to provide as much back story as I can but I'll try and keep it brief. 

I have had a problem with porn for a long time. Since I was 14 and saw my first I loved it. When I was 16 I met my first serious girlfriend who had no problem with the porn and participated with me. I had no idea it was an issue I thought it was normal. I met my wife a few years later and we were married when we were 22. We got pregnant in 2006 and had our daughter in 2007. It was at that time that my wife found out and our relationship was of course forever changed. I finally was sober in 2009 and have remained so. My wife asked that I stopped masturbating and have since summer 2010. We got pregnant with our 2nd daughter in August 2010 and she was born May of this year. 

Everything has been up and down. It seems to me we have let our problems bleed into every aspect of our relationship. Problem is I have recovered. I have turned my life around without a doubt and feel like I have been a new man since 2009. I have depression and anxiety which I have since got under control. I am responsible, finished school got a great job etc etc. Problem is we've had some dark moments. 

In novermber 2009 we had a domestic violence incident where we were arguing and I pushed her. I was arrested went through extreme counseling and learned basically how to control my anger and everything else. 

Our biggest issue is that my wife refuses to recognize the change and improvement. Despite my pure honesty and desire to have a loving relationship with her, we can't. She has since (2007) slapped me multiple times, calls me names has pushed me over in a chair, broke a guitar of mine in half and accused me of all sorts of things. It has been unbelievably difficult. 

I have reached my wits end she refuses to accept I've changed. If she asks me a question and I am honest, she refuses to believe it unless it's a negative answer. She constantly talks about divorcing me and the other night told me that she was only with me because of technicalities (money car etc) 

We've had sex 3 times this year and I can't masturbate because we agreed on that and I am going nuts in the intimacy department.

I need advice and suggestions. Recently I finally vented and let all this out to her and she has given me the silent treatment for 4 days.

I need help!

Thanks again for listening to my crazy story


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lots of separate issues going on...

For one, take control of your own sexuality, if you want to jerk off once in awhile its your right, you are not her slave. (but don't resort to the pornography since it has been an issue for you)

Porn, the great debate on these forums... I'd say if it is not overtaking your thoughts, and you aren't feeding an addiction, then you are doing exactly what you need so it shouldn't be an issue for you, though there are probably ongoing trust issues that MC could help you two work through.

Physical abuse, yeah not cool at all - it seems like you've been able to own up to your anger issues, but if she's slapping you around and destroying your property she is the one who needs help.

Breakdown in sex life and communication - mission critical, get to a good counselor together and work it out before it eats whatever good is left in your marriage.

Good luck to you in this, you have a good support group in this web forum!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just wondering, but why is this in the infidelity forum? Has someone cheated?

In my opinion, if you're not getting regular sex, asking the other person to stop masturbating is unacceptable. As to the rest, abuse is abuse no matter what. And if she's only with you for technicalities, I'd say counseling or separation/divorce, take your pick. Staying for financial reasons is even sillier than staying for the kids, which I notice weren't mentioned in your reasons for staying together.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your penis is your penis. She doesn't have the right to tell you not to masturbate. How bizarre. I can understand wanting you to quit porn, but not to stop touching your own body. She doesn't own you.

As far as the rest of the relationship, it sounds like you guys could use some therapy.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

If I had not masturbated since summer of 2010 I would be completely out of my mind. That is simply insane to imagine.

Are you really ok with her completely dominating your sexuality? I mean, I can understand someone being conservative, and having issues with porn, but come on…..you can’t just make someone stop pleasing themselves and then only have sex with them 3 times in 8 months.

God gave me a wiener and I will play with it whenever I want. I can’t wait for my wife to read this post.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

She might not recognize your changes or acknowledge them because as long as in her head your still "that guy" it's still your fault she is behaving the way that she is and your fault your relationship is what it is. 

Much easier when it's someone else's fault and you dont have to look at yourself and acknowledge your own responsibilty for the problems. She might even be making it your fault she is doing whatever else it is she is doing. 

Just a thought.

Either way, she has her own _issues_ that she need to address. You know that mastrabation is normal?. In fact, masturbation can be healthy in a number of different ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. Someone NOT Maturbating is weird. lol.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think it's great that you have stopped with the porn. I do believe it's very harmful to relationships and sexuality.

However you have every right to masturbate. If you were compulsive and not wanting sex, then that would be an issue, but masturbation is healthy and normal.

Your wife does not respect you, you both need counseling ASAP. She is being abusive and has some anger issues of her own.

You should give her an ultimatum to stop her behaviour and seek help immediately.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

And you won't go blind.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

I would explain that you have kept up with your end of the bargain and not masturbated, and that she has not kept up her end of the bargain and made love to you. You and she had an agreement. If you have not gotten angry with her and been verbally or physically threatening and can get her to agree that you are actually not being intimidating I would calmly and honestly tell her that. Tell her that there are physical and psychological reasons why you need to ejaculate and show her the webmd article on it Masturbation - Is Masturbation Normal or Harmful? Who Masturbates? Why Do People Masturbate?. I would give her the option of you both mutually pleasing each other, but I would also make sure that you let her know that this needs to happen or you will start masturbating. I would then masturbate in front of her without porn, and make it clear that you have given up porn, but that you need to masturbate or make love to her. Give her the option.


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

matman said:


> She has since (2007) slapped me multiple times, calls me names has pushed me over in a chair, broke a guitar of mine in half and accused me of all sorts of things. It has been unbelievably difficult.


I'll say! What kind of monster would break a man's guitar??

Seriously, this is not just about having sex by yourself, although I agree with the others, it's your body and your soap and you can wash it as fast as you want to.

This woman has some serious control issues.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Matman . . .I am a little stuck on when you wrote "... in 2007. It was at that time that my wife found out and our relationship was of course forever changed."

I can't imagine that your wife finding about your porn (addiction? use?) should 'of course' 'forever change' your relationship. Of course, everyone has their own hell to live (perhaps your wife's hell is your porn use) but, IMHO, there are way worse 'hells' out there. And, the fact that you state you have 'sobered" (I assume this is your porn-use sobriety and there are not other addictions) since 2009 (WTF 3 years ago) seems to suggest to me that there were issues before your porn 'outing' and other issues besides this. It would seem you've more that cleaned up your act.

ALSO . . .You also mention her slapping and abusing you since 2007 (2 years BEFORE your 'domestic violence' incident in 2009). So, is it "only" domestic violence if you push her and it's ok if she slaps you? Domestic violence goes go both ways. Mind you, NEITHER is ok in any book, I'm just trying to get this timeline down and the terminology to be more conistent.

Anyway . . . all I have to say is that this story seems way too lopsided and falling down on you. SHE has issues and you are allowing them to fester (because of your old guilt? I dunno). As others have said, she needs to get some help -and you probably too (and/or together). 

Perhaps you can lend her your books from your "extreme counseling" and "anger control" sessions and see how things work from there. It sounds like y'all should have qualified for a two-fer for that class.

Good luck pal.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

matman said:


> In novermber 2009 we had a domestic violence incident where we were arguing and I pushed her. I was arrested went through extreme counseling and learned basically how to control my anger and everything else.
> 
> Our biggest issue is that my wife refuses to recognize the change and improvement. Despite my pure honesty and desire to have a loving relationship with her, we can't. She has since (2007) slapped me multiple times, calls me names has pushed me over in a chair, broke a guitar of mine in half and accused me of all sorts of things. It has been unbelievably difficult.


It surely sounds like she needs DV classes and the acts you describe would get you arrested in my state and quite frankly I wouldn't hesitate to have my H arrested if he pulled this on me... You got arrested to learn a valuable lesson about not putting your hands on her, her turn. Oh and start masturbating again


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Yeah, you shouldn't let anyone dictate your masturbation habits. That's just troubling. Control freak much?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If she can dictate what you can do with your man bits can you tell her what she can do with her woman bits?. There is such a basic ignorance of sexuality that I cannot believe you both live in the 21st century. 

Please know that I am not making light of your agreement with your wife but come on man! Masturbation is normal and healthy. Have you had any genital problems? You will as you get older if you don't have a regular ejaculations. How do you do it; you must have b**ls of steel. 

To summarize, your wife has not forgiven you for the past, you are not having sex with her, you do not masturbate, you have overcome an addiction and you are a functioning member of society, you are being emotionally and physically abused. You show strength, determination, self control, restraint and compassion because you did not call the cops on her. I don't know what else could be expected of you. That is of course if this is the whole story. Sometimes the other half adds more detail that rounds out the info. 

Something is missing here. What is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Parrothead said:


> I'll say! What kind of monster would break a man's guitar??


I've broken my H's guitar, video game console, DVDs, and his car. So, what kind of monster would do that? A 5'6", 130 lb, brown hair, blue eyed, twenty-five yr old monster. 




matman said:


> Our biggest issue is that my wife refuses to recognize the change and improvement. Despite my pure honesty and desire to have a loving relationship with her, we can't. She has since (2007) slapped me multiple times, calls me names has pushed me over in a chair, broke a guitar of mine in half and accused me of all sorts of things. It has been unbelievably difficult.


I was just like your wife and my H is like you. He has/had a porn problem and we went through h*ll working through it. We fought A LOT and they were bad fights. I can tell you that the biggest problem in your relationship is not that your wife cant respond to your changes. She wants remorse from you, she wants a sincere apology, over and over, however many times it takes, not "I've changed get over it." My H still apologizes to me and he has not done anything in years. Whenever something triggers a past hurt I can tell him how I feel and he doesnt get defensive, he comforts me, apologizes, sincerely apologizes, and we move on. It makes a huge difference. I had to explain to him that I was not bringing it up to make him feel guilty. That was never my intention. I needed to bring it up and talk about it to heal and move on. I was not trying to make him feel like a bad person or make him feel guilty. I was trying to get from him what i needed, a sincere apology, so i could move on. But I can see you reading this, getting defensive, and on some level thinking, "_She_ is the one that needs to change." And that brings me to the biggest problem for you both. 

You both have really poor boundaries. That is both of your biggest problem. I would strongly suggest you pick up Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. It changed my relationship with my H. It wasnt easy. We fought a lot and at times the book brought out some really deep-seated hurt for us both, but slowly it changed our dynamic and we can now talk about the difficult topics WITHOUT blaming, getting defensive, or escalating. You have to stop blaming and getting defensive, start setting healthy boundaries, and start owning your contribution to the dysfunction. I am sure she has issues, no doubt, but so do you, even now. You both have dysfunction that you are bringing and until you own yours and learn to set healthy boundaries, then your dynamic will not change.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

In my opinion, if I didn't jerk off I could potentially have self control problems and possibly look for the real thing (cheating). I have an enormous sex drive and though my wife is also sexual, I need to supplement our sex life by pleasing myself. She understands and is totally cool with a bit o' porn.


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

Wow thanks everyone! we actually bizarrely and coincidentally had a fantastic weekend! I realize there are cylces and "honey-moon" phases but this was really cool. I had the hottest sex of my life on Friday night. It was amazing. 

Everyone had some good thoughts. I realize a lot of times that masturbation is seen as normal and healthy which I think for a healthy individual it is. I however am addicted to porn. I am scared masturbation will lead to that again and lead to me not wanting my wife. How am I doing it? because I love my wife simple as that. It's like anything, once orgasms have been gone for awhile you just forget about them and don't miss them. 

Blanca had the best response I think. It was refreshing to see that from the other side and I agree we have boundary issues. I mentioned to her about apologizing all the time and she said she didn't even want me to do that. She just wanted support and feels as though she hasn't been getting any. 

Therapy isn't an option for us right now instead we are turning to our old friend. Daila Llama.
That said on the masturbation front. She believes it is a totally self-indulgent and selfish act and does not understand the point. Can anyone respond to that? I need help clarifying some thoughts there.


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

UPDATE: So my wife just called me and my phone wasn't functioning because I was updating it (iphone) and she absolutely flipped. Evidently there was some issue going on at home (I am at work) and she just was absolutely livid. She refuses to tell me what is going on because I didn't answer my phone and said that "It's a whole different ball game when you get home mister" and that she was done "being nice" and that if I don't like it I can just leave. I am nearly frightened to go home which may sound ridiculous. 

She also told me that when I get home she is taking away my phone and that it was a huge amount of trust on her end to allow me to have the phone. She's right of course. She mentioned that I must've been in the bathroom jerking off during the 5 mins she was trying to get ahold of me. I don't know what to do but does anyone have any thoughts?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

matman said:


> She also told me that when I get home she is taking away my phone and that it was a huge amount of trust on her end to allow me to have the phone. She's right of course. She mentioned that I must've been in the bathroom jerking off during the 5 mins she was trying to get ahold of me. I don't know what to do but does anyone have any thoughts?


Is she talking to her husband or her son here? I'm sorry, but she sounds like an absolute control freak, sheesh. Sorry, I don't have anything productive to add, just had to comment.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

matman said:


> UPDATE: So my wife just called me and my phone wasn't functioning because I was updating it (iphone) and she absolutely flipped. Evidently there was some issue going on at home (I am at work) and she just was absolutely livid. She refuses to tell me what is going on because I didn't answer my phone and said that "It's a whole different ball game when you get home mister" and that she was done "being nice" and that if I don't like it I can just leave. I am nearly frightened to go home which may sound ridiculous.
> 
> She also told me that when I get home she is taking away my phone and that it was a huge amount of trust on her end to allow me to have the phone. She's right of course. She mentioned that I must've been in the bathroom jerking off during the 5 mins she was trying to get ahold of me. I don't know what to do but does anyone have any thoughts?


Has she been checked for post-partum depression? Or something of that nature? Her mood swings seem extreme.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

But I do want to comment that if you are addicted to porn and you struggle with it, you need to find some sort of way to work on it yourself. 

Quick story, my H is a recovering crack addict, he would stop at nothing to get crack. In the first few years of our marriage, I thought it was my right, my duty, my job to keep HIM from crack cocaine. I drove myself crazy. Every weird number on his phone, I accused him of trying to buy crack, every 1 or 2 bucks that disappeared from the house, yep, he had to be buying crack, his strange moods, you guessed it, had to be crack. It was not a way to live.... Your wife is doing that with your porn addiction. It is not her addiction, she does not own it, and she should not be trying to control it. If you know that masturbating will lead to porn, you are doing the right thing by not looking at it. 

That said, my H is 4 years free from crack cocaine, and once I loosened the reins and realized what I was doing and how it was driving everyone crazy, my life certainly became calmer... And I do believe his has too... And he is still crack free without my meddling.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Wow....I hope she did not find some old and long forgotten porn stash while you were at work. Hey quick question.... did the porn addiction ever replace regular healthy sex in your relationship?

I was trying to be funny on page 1. I used to masturbate very frequently (id say at least 3 times per week) in the past. This probably started around puberty and continued long into my marriage. I did use porn everynow and then if time allowed....but certainly not always nor was it required to do so. I could still handle it on my own so to speak. I also was still very sexually satisfied with my wife and preferred sex with her over masturbation any day.

Don't really have as much time to lately....and ever since her affair we actually have sex quite a bit more.....so not as much temptation on my part to be honest.

I guess my point is that everything is about moderation. And porn and masturbation both are ok in my book as long as neither are replacing the real and healthy sexuality aspects in a relationship.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

matman said:


> UPDATE: So my wife just called me and my phone wasn't functioning because I was updating it (iphone) and she absolutely flipped. Evidently there was some issue going on at home (I am at work) and she just was absolutely livid. She refuses to tell me what is going on because I didn't answer my phone and said that "It's a whole different ball game when you get home mister" and that she was done "being nice" and that if I don't like it I can just leave. I am nearly frightened to go home which may sound ridiculous.
> 
> She also told me that when I get home she is taking away my phone and that it was a huge amount of trust on her end to allow me to have the phone. She's right of course. She mentioned that I must've been in the bathroom jerking off during the 5 mins she was trying to get ahold of me. I don't know what to do but does anyone have any thoughts?


My H could write the exact same thing about me. His nickname for me was G.G for gorilla girl. He equated me with the "gorilla" people that hide in the jungle and then jumped out and attack you. He said he felt like he was walking through a jungle never knowing when he was going to get attacked or step on a land mine. For awhile I was glad he felt that way, because I thought he deserved it, but now i feel terrible for the lonely struggle he had to go through. 

I know you feel guilty for what you have done but you have to start paying attention to how you feel when she treats you this way. If it feels bad then it is bad and its not something you should do or tolerate. You will teach her how to treat you. If you teach her to treat you in a healthy way then the relationship has potential to be healthy. Try this website Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

Thanks everyone, it was not as bad as I had feared. I let her freak out and didn't react emotionally and she ended up apologizing. Huge deal for her.


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

another update. Yesterday, after a great 4-day weekend where we got along, had sex were affectionate. She told me she was texting her friend about how she just generally does not like me. At my core she feels I am a liar and a "snake" and don't have any integrity. So when I questioned her about her telling me that she loved me and things like that she said she was "surviving" because if she said how she'd really feel I'd freak out. She said if she makes me feel loved maybe I'll make her feel loved. Problem is I feel duped. If she tells me she loves me that makes me think I am on the right track as far as my improvements. Otherwise I have no chance because if she is saying one thing but feeling another that is a lie right?? and it doesn't provide me a chance to further correct things if my behavior isn't what she needs. she says she's explained to me that she wants to be nice to me if she feels like it but doesn't mean she's in love with me. Which she has and I understand that. thoughts? I can provide more if needed.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Her problem is that she has no way of knowing behavioral changes also reflect a change in your heart . she also seems to have some form of ptsd regarding your prior behaviors . triggering events reinforce the previous feelings she had when you were lying, etc. until she can learn not to respond to those triggers she's not gonna be able to trust you have changed. For her, the hurt gets drummed in time and time again. It causes her to freeze you in the past. She really needs desensitizing therapy.

As for your heart, all you can do apart from keeping your promises is to offer to take a lie detector test to at least establish a baseline of trust. It isn't starting over but it is something she can refer back to.

Remember, her not liking you is a protection against getting hurt again. Have a great connection - she distances herself with anger. 

She needs therapy with you. I don't believe this can be solved otherwise. Invest in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

This sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship, with the porn "Addiction" as a way to constantly hammer on your self esteem, preventing you from ever leaving. 

Was the porn "Addiction" ever really diagnosed as an addiction? Or did she simply declare it as so?

Bottom line- she's treating you like a dog, and expecting you to come crawling back to her every time she kicks you. The next time she lays into you about how terrible you are, agree and walk out.


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

all good points. She has labeled the addiction an addiction. Never diagnosed. I don't really know what constitutes it. I agree she's using it as a weapon against me. I have tried walking out and it just gets worse. Yesterday she kicked my leg. I am trying to step back and see things for what they are. My thought is if I truly am as good as I can be (I still have a lot to work on) she has no choice but to look at her issues.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mat, why are you with this woman?

She has more of a control problem than you could ever have with porn.

Tells you not to masturbate?

WTF?

I`ll never understand why people waste their lives in abusive relationships and trust me this is an abusive relationship.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Clearly, the answer here is to rub one out (THAT'S ALWAYS THE ANSWER!)

Seriously though, Blanca made a great post full of awesome advice.

Learn your boundaries. Get counseling, both of you.

And I'll part with this, since this is in the infidelity forum:
Have you any suspiciousness that the wife is not having some sort of affair (EA/PA)? I saw a couple of red flags there.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why would you want to live your wife with a woman like this? Is she really the only woman on the planet for you? She is castrating you on so many levels. Enough is enough.


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