# Dry spell with my girlfriend



## tmanswell (Jun 27, 2011)

Okay, my girlfriend of nearly 4 years and I are having a problem (problems?) and I'd like to get the opinion of others. Especially because the culprit of all these problems could be me. I am known to be insensitive. 

So, I'm 24, my girlfriend is 21 and compared to my previous relationships, the sex life in this one is "timid". I have an incredibly high sex drive, and she has a much lower sex drive, which I was fine with, but since April, we have gone from "Timid" to Nothing. Zero intimacy. 

She still seems very happy to be with me and is always happy to see me and whatnot but I can't get her even remotely interested in intimacy. 

We're living in less-than romantic conditions right now, since we're saving up to go to Europe for a month, but I've tried hard to make up for that fact (without trying too hard). Picnics by the lake, hiking in the mountains, etc.


I'm starting to go nuts. I can't even get excited kissing out of her anymore. I get the obligated kiss when I arrive and leave, but outside of that, we have nothing. At first, I was getting excuses such as, "Oh school is stressing me out" and then it was, "No, we can't. I'm worried about my cat (not having a home while we're in Europe)" Followed by, "We can't, not at my parents house." Which confused the hell out of me, because we've had plenty of sex in her room at her parents. Something she denies ever happening. 

The possibilities to this problem are (to me) either:
a) She has some sort of mental block or has had a change of heart that she won't admit to

b) I'm an insensitive (badword) who's possibly missing some obvious cue or clue as to what I need to be doing. 

I'm starting to feel like our relationship is slowly ending. If there's no intimacy, are you even still dating? I've tried asking her about it, but all I get is "I don't know, but it's not you. It's me. I'm broken." 

Basically, I feel like our relationship is ending and I don't know if it can be saved, or what I can do, or what she can do. 

Also, is 10-11 weeks a long dry spell? I mean, I'd understand if she had just had a kid and her hormones were giving her a hard time, but I can't find the culprit in all of this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She wouldn't have to worry about her cat. I would call the vacation with her off. I'd tell her quite plainly that I wasn't satisfied with a celibate arrangement and that I was willing to go to counseling with her or help get the relationship back on track. No significant progress in about 1 month, I'd drop her like a bad habit.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi tman ~

So what event happened in April? Did you guys move in with her parents? If so, could it be possible she feels really uncomfortable doing "it" in that environment? You know, if you did it there before but it was sporadic, she might have thought her parents may not have known and felt okay, but now you're there full-time and it might be presumed something is happening and it makes her shut down? 

Anything else change? Start taking anti-depressants? New birth control? Is she on any kind of birth control pills? Those things can be super libido killers for women (my husband used to joke that he thinks that's how they work - by making women not want to have sex.)

And lastly, are you guys talking about this? If not, you should be. Just make it non-confrontational - like "babe, I realize that we're not making love like we used to since <April event>. Is there anything going on that is making you uncomfortable that I could help you with?"

Godspeed.


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## tmanswell (Jun 27, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi tman ~
> 
> So what event happened in April? Did you guys move in with her parents? If so, could it be possible she feels really uncomfortable doing "it" in that environment? You know, if you did it there before but it was sporadic, she might have thought her parents may not have known and felt okay, but now you're there full-time and it might be presumed something is happening and it makes her shut down?
> 
> ...


The thing that confuses me is that absolutely NOTHING happened in April. She moved back in with her parents in mid-May. I've been at my sister's since September of last year. She's been on the same birth control for more than two years. We already went through the body regulating nonsense. These are the only pills she's on or has ever been on to my knowledge.

And I try to bring it up with her and I just get a bunch of "I don't knows", followed by what to me feels like possible fake excuses, "I don't like my body", "My friends are mad at me", "I just don't feel like it", etc. 

I honestly feel like maybe SOMETHING happened, whether it's an event or a change of heart, and she won't tell me what it is - which, if we're not communicating - that's an even bigger problem than no intimacy. 

The "change of heart" (I'll define in a moment) to me seems more plausible because this wasn't a sudden shut down. I went to LA for the month of February and we had all sorts of fun with phone sex and whatnot during the month and when she came to California we plenty of sex (a few times a week) and from there it leveled out for March to our usual once a week and then started dying at the beginning of April.

By mid-April the intimacy level equaled Zero and has not risen since.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

tmanswell said:


> I went to LA for the month of February and we had all sorts of fun with phone sex and whatnot during the month and when she came to California we had nonstop sex and from there it leveled out for March and then started dying at the beginning of April.
> 
> By mid-April the intimacy level equaled Zero and has not risen since.


Hmm, did something else happen during the month of February? You meet someone one new, or did she meet someone new or do something during that month you were separated that she could be keeping from you?

I don't know - how committed are you two to keeping the relationship going? I would probably think about some type of ultimatum. Any relationship - whether it's a marriage or a longer-term dating situation - requires good communication in order for it to function properly.


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## tmanswell (Jun 27, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hmm, did something else happen during the month of February? You meet someone one new, or did she meet someone new or do something during that month you were separated that she could be keeping from you?
> 
> I don't know - how committed are you two to keeping the relationship going? I would probably think about some type of ultimatum. Any relationship - whether it's a marriage or a longer-term dating situation - requires good communication in order for it to function properly.


I know I didn't meet anyone new. I'd wager a "no" that she met someone else for a few reasons. I could draw them out if you wanted me to but, even if something happened in February while I was gone, I don't see how it would trigger a shut down in April. Then again, I'm so clueless I spent an hour on Google before joining a forum about marriage problems. 

As for the ultimatum, that's funny wording since I just told a friend of mine about ten minutes ago that she's getting "some sort of ultimatum".

Edit: Alright folks, I'm heading to the real world to talk to her again. I shall let you all know what happens. And I shall not forget to say "Thanks for the advice so far".


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