# PLEASE HELP!



## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Hello, some of you might already read my story in the past. 
(Sorry long story)
My story is as followed, I was in an unhealthy relationship for 25 years. High school sweethearts. Only men I ve ever been with. I have two children, boy 23 years old, girl 13 year old. Through out the years I was financially and emotionally stressed, he was very jealous and possessive. He had seasons where things go really bad he would go out not come home to sleep. Found female numbers in pocket. etc etc. We broke up but begged the next day and I let him back in. One year it was bad we were always arguing for something he had done and he felt hurt and walked out on us. But again two weeks later he come and begged and made a scene outside the house and let him back in. Always promised things would get better they did but only for a while. 
Four years ago my mental health was really bad, The Mary go Round relationship as one of you once called it got to me had a nervous breakdown an had to call the ambulance, I did not know at the time but my body was so afraid to let go. He acted very distant always upset and always made me believe it was my fault. My body knew I had to let him go for my peace and health. He was out of control. He wasn't abusive but after reading a few things the cheating the one day he wants out the other I love my family it was draining. I guess that is abuse in some way.
Four years ago I was in a very bad mental place my anxiety was so bad every morning woke up with this fear this out of control emotions I tried to hurt myself. I just did not know what it was I just wanted those feelings to go away it was out of desperation no one knows about it just him. Luckily didn't go through with anything and I wasn't hurt. Later that week I found out that he was cheating on me. I felt broken very hurt he forced me to let him go. I kicked him out. 
He begged and begged to come home but was still in the relationship. He would come home knock at the window all hours of the day. I was so emotionally stressed that I would not open the door hid myself in the closet so he would think no one was home. Never called the cops nor put a restraining order. His new girl insulted me on social media for who knows what. It was so bad that I had to change my phone number and cut all ties with him. Those four years I battle life on my own. My sons lung collapsed twice and had major surgery. My daughter started having anxiety and panic attacks. I had to find her help she is seeing a therapist. Through out the year he continue to beg I never let him back in. His relationship with the other lady did not work out. He ended up losing his job his place to stay and apparently lived in the streets. He always tried to come home or leave me messages to make me feel guilty he was living in the streets because I would not take him back. He had family to ask for help. He finally got himself up and bought a new car and a new apartment last year one day he comes with a new chain another day with another and a new watch mind he hasn't given me any $ for the kids in the last four years he has only given me about three times. He would always said yes I want to help I want to give you all my $$ let me go back home to my family. 
Well I never let him back in.
1st. Because of the pain the betrayal, he was begging but still continue his relationship with the other girl
2. He was with the other girl for almost two year and I felt just because his relationship didn't work out, now he is here begging to come home. I always wonder if his relationship would of work out he would be here asking to come home. 
3. He never gave me financial help for his children. I was struggling but never sent him to child support. 
4. My son does not want any sort of relationship with his father and because of his condition he lives with me. 
5. He really never showed me he changed, only begged.
6. Afraid to going back to the pain the stress and how could I go back to someone that cheated on me. Where was my worth. Not a great role model for my daughter. 
He continued to beg just this past half a year I let him be around my daughter he would come take her out at times he would call everyday. Begging to come home or to see his daughter to the point I felt I was being harassed.He cried made me feel guilty. Telling me so you don't want me back. You know I can find and be happy but I rather be happy with you. I started to feel sad and confuse. 
But it was a pattern. Saturday and Sunday came the calls were so so Monday came and every minute he would call. I never took his phone calls or text I kept it about my daughter. Just last week he asked so what is going to happen about us. Yesterday after three weeks that he did not ask his daughter out he calls out of nowhere wanting to take my daughter to the mall. I wanted to say no. He needs bounderies and needs to understand that we need rules. Call in advance make plans, what time where are you going etc. But my daughter wanted to go so I let her. It took him 3 hours to come pick her up after he told her twice it he was on his way and it would only take him 15 minutes. I told my daughter that she wasn't going to go anymore, it was getting late. But it seemed that she wanted to go and felt bad. 
He comes and picks her he usually parks in front of my house. This time he parked further. He comes and tells my daughter he had company in the car. I was like then she is not going. I found it rude it was her day with her dad and now he has company. Plus I did not know who the persons were and with Covid I need to be extra careful. He just ignored me put his arms around my daughter and started walking and said I am already here. Lets go. 
I don't know what came to me went inside home and started crying. My son caught me and gave me a lecture that why did I let her go after all that, that we all knew the reasons and why he does what he does. Just to make himself feel good about being a father and trying to get points from whom ever he was with, that he really didn't care about his daughter he just brought her to tag along at the last minute to look good. That I needed to move on that I need therapy etc 
Well after so many hours my daughter texts me and ask me they were coming home and that if she could go to some house to spend more time. It was very late so I told her no ask your dad to bring you back home. 
My daughter gets home and she tells me mom "I want to say something, only one thing MOVE ON, JUST MOVE ON mom, my dad has a girlfriend." I was hurt. How could he beg me everyday and the following day he takes my daughter out of nowhere with a female. He was bad mouthing me "She then tells me dad was talking bad about you to her that you were mad and that you didn't want to let me go and after you told me I could not hang out in her house my dad said some insulting word towards you. 
I was in so much pain and livid. 
I need help. I need advice. It sounds lame but I do. I am in this emotionally drain I can't think right. 
1. Do I reach out to him and tell him, that I did not appreciate him introducing my daughter to some one and use her to look good. (I don't want him to think I am just mad he has a new girlfriend)
2. Do I tell him he needs to give me $$ if he wants to continue playing the father role or do I just sent him to child support. Is not fair for my daughter not to see her dad but is also not right for him to pretend he has a daughter but not help with the expenses. Do I let her see her dad.
I don't know what to do nor the right thing to do. 
And how can I let go and really move on I really thought I was over it then why do I feel like it was just yesterday four years ago that I had no choice but to let him go. That he forced me to let him go. He was out of control and I had no choice. For my peace my dignity, for my sanity. For my kids peace to show them that moms suppose the be happy not always stressed always crying for something daddy did. I feel the same pain. I really thought I was over him. 
Please help!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You should have gone to court long ago and gotten child support, a custody agreement, etc. Hell, you can get BACK support for the years he paid nothing. This way he has no room to harass you.
Your ex is a nightmare. His relationship with the new gf won’t last. He will be back knocking on your door. Do like your kids said and move on.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You cannot keep his kids from him. So what he's got a new girlfriend, that's none of your business. You cannot keep his children from him just because you're put off by his new relationship.

Asking him for money won't do anything, c'mon do you really think he's just going to hand you cash upon request?

Sorry but you're responsible for most of these problems. Get over to your local courthouse and get a child support order for whatever amount of time is left for your youngest child, you've already left thousands of dollars on the table that could have made your children's lives better. You can't change the past but you can start making the right decisions NOW.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Hell, you can get BACK support for the years he paid nothing.


Not likely. In most jurisdictions, CS is only retroactive to the filing date of the petition requesting child support. Doesn't sound like there was ever an order for CS but that's not clear.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> You should have gone to court long ago and gotten child support, a custody agreement, etc. Hell, you can get BACK support for the years he paid nothing. This way he has no room to harass you.
> Your ex is a nightmare. His relationship with the new gf won’t last. He will be back knocking on your door. Do like your kids said and move on.


Thank you for your response, yes he has always been a nightmare. He unfortunately has broken me for so many years that I can't seem to get out of this hell hole. But yes I should of sent him to child support long time ago, after all he has done I still felt sort of guilty and sorry for him and I am not saying that is ok nor an excuse. But I guess my son is right I need to find help, help to break that mental chain he still has over me. I had the chance to take him back many times but I did not. I knew it was not the right nor best choice. So why does it hurt so much.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Trident said:


> You cannot keep his kids from him. So what he's got a new girlfriend, that's none of your business. You cannot keep his children from him just because you're put off by his new relationship.
> 
> Asking him for money won't do anything, c'mon do you really think he's just going to hand you cash upon request?
> 
> Sorry but you're responsible for most of these problems. Get over to your local courthouse and get a child support order for whatever amount of time is left for your youngest child, you've already left thousands of dollars on the table that could have made your children's lives better. You can't change the past but you can start making the right decisions NOW.


Thank you, yes you are right and no I never did I ever keep my kids from him. Money or no Money even with his first relationship he was still seeing my daughter. I never want to become the parent that use their children as weapons to hurt the other parent or out spite. My kids are and will always be my priority. I just need to find a way to put some boundaries and rules and yes you are correct I am responsible for most of these problems. I need to find a way to fix myself, mentally, erase all the pain, stop looking in the past and move on. REALLY MOVE ON. Again thank you I need to start making the right decisions and STOP thinking with my heart.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Trident said:


> Not likely. In most jurisdictions, CS is only retroactive to the filing date of the petition requesting child support. Doesn't sound like there was ever an order for CS but that's not clear.


No, never filed CS


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It hurts because you believed in happily ever after. 

Go after him for CS. Remember it's your daughter's money. Stop hurting her by letting him off the hook.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to get help and find out why your self confidence is still so injured after all these years. Your kids are telling you to get help. Get it. Please see an attorney.
Get a restraining order filed on him, because no doubt he will be back knocking.

The only person keeping you down is you.
Your ex should no longer be able to yank your chain because you shouldn’t care about him any more thZn a stranger.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

I echo everyone else who says you should file for child support with the courts. That way they can enforce it and garnish his wages if required. Do not feel guilty about it. Based on what you’ve said about him, it doesn’t sound like he’s the type who you’ll be able to come to any agreement about money with and even if he says he’ll pay he probably won’t. 

Also, I just have to know because of your username...are you a Morrissey fan?


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

D0nnivain said:


> It hurts because you believed in happily ever after.
> 
> Go after him for CS. Remember it's your daughter's money. Stop hurting her by letting him off the hook.


Yes , maybe you are right. The begging and promises made me believe there might be a happily ever after. Even though I knew that getting back together wasn't an option. Yes my daughter deserves it. Thank you I was really a mess and hearing this words really puts my feet back to earth.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> You need to get help and find out why your self confidence is still so injured after all these years. Your kids are telling you to get help. Get it. Please see an attorney.
> Get a restraining order filed on him, because no doubt he will be back knocking.
> 
> The only person keeping you down is you.
> Your ex should no longer be able to yank your chain because you shouldn’t care about him any more thZn a stranger.


Thank you , yes I need to seek some sort of help. I also think why is it that it still hurts, why do I care what he thinks what he feels, what he does. Why do I still want to believe his lies when he has let us down so many times. I refuse to see him for the person he really is. I want to still think he is the person I met 25 years I go. I am angry at myself for letting him get me to this place. Where I have to fight all life battles alone. That I am alone raising my two kids. Angry that I wasted so long to get out and now that I am out. I feel like I am still stuck. Hurts to think he can move on so easily be happy. Make someone happy. Be the good father to the new girls kids. Why couldn't he do that for his own children. Sad that his own son is so disappointed of him that he refuses to give him another chance. To give him the chance to be a father to him. That his son worries for his sister. Worries that one day she will realize the person he is and she will be devastated. Why couldn't he be good why couldn't he snapped out of it and say. I will lose my family I need to get my act straight. He wasn't afraid to lose us or did he think I would stand by him after all the disrespect the betrayal. He knows how important it was for our family to be together. Only when things are bad for him. He wants to make thing right here. I gave him dozens of chances. Let down after let down . I am sorry I keep going on and on. I really thought I was over it. I started enjoying life and now I am back to square one.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Cici1990 said:


> I echo everyone else who says you should file for child support with the courts. That way they can enforce it and garnish his wages if required. Do not feel guilty about it. Based on what you’ve said about him, it doesn’t sound like he’s the type who you’ll be able to come to any agreement about money with and even if he says he’ll pay he probably won’t.
> 
> Also, I just have to know because of your username...are you a Morrissey fan?


No he is not that type of person.I've threaten him in the past. I have asked him and told him how tough it is for me. How expensive rent is the struggles I go through. He knows right now I am devastated dealing with my mom's cancer. Which I did not wanted to tell him because he always makes things about himself. He doesn't know but my son is back to having issues with his lungs and I need go through that myself, taking him to doctors hoping is nothing serious again. Still have PTSD from the last time his lung collapsed. My son does not ever want me to tell his father. He is an adult and I am respecting his wishes. I need to move on and really move on I need to find a way. I need to find a way out. Maybe him finding a new girl is a blessing in disguise. Maybe I was believing his lies and life would of been much harder. 

LOL and yes I am a Morrissey fan for over 20 years. We were actually scheduled to go see him in Vegas first week of September but had to file a claim to cancel and get my $ back. I am so emotionally messed up that since he started coming around again and continuing to beg to come back home. Interrogating my daughter what we did over the weekend and get upset making me feel guilty. Made me so nervous. Because only he was able to do what he wanted. With no remorse. I stayed home all the times with the kids. I lost all my friends he was very jealous of everything. I had no social life. Just go to work, come home with the kids and if I did go anywhere for entertainment it was always with him. 
I started having anxiety going the concert. I did not wanted him find out . I did not want him to get mad. I started getting nervous. *Yes I know this sounds very lame. * However since my moms chemo started I was also forced to cancel going to the concert but I honestly feel I used it as an excuse. My sister told me to go that she would take care of mom. But still filed the claim. I ve never missed a Morrissey concert in 20 years. Yes I definitely need help.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The thing is that after all this time you still haven't cut the emotional ties. There should be no need to have any contact apart from about your daughter, and even she is nearing the age where she can make arrangements herself to see him. 
In your place I would move away from him.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that after all this time you still haven't cut the emotional ties. There should be no need to have any contact apart from about your daughter, and even she is nearing the age where she can make arrangements herself to see him.
> In your place I would move away from him.


Thank you, yes this one is on me. I should of cut contact again from him completely once the feelings were getting a little to much to handle. It just hurst, how can he bad mouth me with everyone he meets and in front of my daughter. But he begs like I am the best thing in the world.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vivamoz101 said:


> So why does it hurt so much.


What do you do for yourself? Do you work full time? Do you have a social life? What hobbies do you have?

It sounds like you are over focused on him and not focused enough on yourself and building a life for yourself.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What do you do for yourself? Do you work full time? Do you have a social life? What hobbies do you have?
> 
> It sounds like you are over focused on him and not focused enough on yourself and building a life for yourself.


Hi, nothing really. I work full time, go home and take care of mommy duties. This past years I have kept busy because of the issues I had with my son, mom and daughter. I dont have any friends nor a social life. I just focus on work and kids. Yes maybe is that. I never had any life outside him or my kids. Which is scary my kids are getting older and what then .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vivamoz101 said:


> Hi, nothing really. I work full time, go home and take care of mommy duties. This past years I have kept busy because of the issues I had with my son, mom and daughter. I dont have any friends nor a social life. I just focus on work and kids. Yes maybe is that. I never had any life outside him or my kids. Which is scary my kids are getting older and what then .


This is probably a large part of your issue. It's hard for you to let go of your ex on some level because you have nothing to replace that part of your life. It does not have to be another relationship. But you need to find something that gives you joy, friends that you enjoy spending time with.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is probably a large part of your issue. It's hard for you to let go of your ex on some level because you have nothing to replace that part of your life. It does not have to be another relationship. But you need to find something that gives you joy, friends that you enjoy spending time with.


Thank you. I have set up and appointment to restart therapy. As soon as I try to start picking up myself something always happens. I was in a car accident two days ago and it got me back to my depression and anxiety attacks. Thank you all for your replies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vivamoz101 said:


> Thank you. I have set up and appointment to restart therapy. As soon as I try to start picking up myself something always happens. I was in a car accident two days ago and it got me back to my depression and anxiety attacks. Thank you all for your replies.


Yikes, a car accident. That's not good. 

I'm glad you are starting therapy. Good start. I wonder if they have a group session that we get you interacting with others. 

What's it like with COVID where you live? Are you able to get out and do things, meet people, etc?


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yikes, a car accident. That's not good.
> 
> I'm glad you are starting therapy. Good start. I wonder if they have a group session that we get you interacting with others.
> 
> What's it like with COVID where you live? Are you able to get out and do things, meet people, etc?


Hello, yes depression is off the roof. Covid is not good in Cali. Therapy is over the phone or video. They still haven't given me a day for my first session. Offices are super busy. 😥


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yikes, a car accident. That's not good.
> 
> I'm glad you are starting therapy. Good start. I wonder if they have a group session that we get you interacting with others.
> 
> What's it like with COVID where you live? Are you able to get out and do things, meet people, etc?


Thank you, Covid is bad here in Cali. Therapy is only over the phone or by zoom. Not so much interaction going around. Kids just started going back to school two weeks ago. But with really strict restrictions. With my son being high risk nothing much we can do. No gatherings to outings etc. Which has made it much harder for me.


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