# I can not believe I am writing this....



## CAgirl (Apr 17, 2008)

This morning I found a letter that my husband wrote to an 18 year old girl. Basically, she's been making advances and he is considering having an affair. I do not think they have yet. He only wrote it yesterday.

Our marriage? It's been on the rocks for a long, long time. Years. Until now, nothing horrible has happened to cause it. No one has had an affair so far (I am positive). We are just lousy communicators and probably chose the wrong person to marry. We have three kids - 8, 6, and 4. I do not know what i want. I have not confronted him because he is fishing today and not home yet. I have not cried. Is that weird? Part of me is relieved that I have a reason to send him packing. The other part is sad for my kids and thinking that if nothing has happened yet, maybe this can be saved.

He said some pretty hurtful things about me in his letter to her, especially about how I look.

I don't know where to start.

PS...we have tried therapy twice and it didn't change anything either time.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Okay, take a deep breath and have a good cry. Next you need to photocopy that letter and keep a copy. I would phone, talk to anyone that I consider good support for me. When he gets home I would confront him with the letter and check to see if he is actually fishing. He could be fishing with the 18 year old. Are the kids with him? You need to see if he wants to work on this with a councelor if not you need a councelor. If he does not want to fix it, I would kick him out of my house and tell him to go stay with her or where ever. Do not give in to him. I am telling you, if he does not want to seek a councelor or says we can fix it on our own. (He stated some horrible things about you) He needs to be out of the house on that day. I wouldn't tell him this, but on Monday, I would take the letter to a lawyer and tell him the situation. (this is what I would do only. I was the other woman and it went on for far to long that he wasn't happy in the marriage. It didn't get better with coucelling because his heart wasn't with his wife anymore (she is an alcoholic) If he wants to work through it I would get a councelor on Monday for individual and couple councelling and I would, on my own, talk to a lawyer, without my husband's knowledge. I would want to have my ducks in a row and be calm for myself and my kids. That is what I would do in a nutshell. I would remove my feelings at that point and become very business partnership like and look after myself and the kids. If the therapy doesn't work, I would go to plan B. The lawyer, the separation, the child support and the councelling. I would not stray from getting this all done. I would not let me feelings get in the way. I would deal with the hurt through my councelor and on my own when I protected myself and the kids.


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## CAgirl (Apr 17, 2008)

Than you for replying, happilymarried. I really appreciate it. I found the note on his computer so I emailed it to myself and burned cds of it. Forgot to mention that because of his job and because of who this girl is, an affair (even the letter on its own) would get him fired and ruin his career. So I need to have that little gem in case I need it to negotiate. It's also why I do not want to tell anyone what I found just yet. I do not want to ruin his life. I know that for sure. I will if he tries to take the kids or anything else I have a right to. I am surprised at how calm I have been all morning. Just getting things organized either way. I don't know what he will say when he knows I know. It's not a big surprise because I know we have both been unhappy for years and years.
I believe he is fishing. I know it must seem like I shouldn't trust him but he is fishing. Took his kayak, went with his fishing buddies. Told me (and the girl in the letter) that the ocean is the only place he is happy. I believe that.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

I would have to say that if you aren't talking to anyone for support that I would talk to a councelor and lawyer for you. I would hold off of the job because that is how he will ultimately support his 3 kids. It kind of sounds like neither one really wants to be in the marriage. He is trying to find love and support somewhere else. Which is sad when the two people who fell in and had those 3 children, forgot how to be in love with each other. I am sorry if I sounded very matter-of-factly but it really takes commitment on both your parts to make a relationship work. You guys may have abandoned your marriage a long time ago. How sad for you, your hubby and your kids. Remember to put your kids first. Before you act in a negative way to their father, think of how you would tell a friend how to handle the same situation with kids. I hope you can both put your kids first in this. Best of luck to you and your family.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

CAgirl-

The only thing that would induce me to look else where was if the sex deteriorated. I can't imagine him getting anything else from such a young girl.

If it's just sex, you could easily address it. But it sounds like you don't want to...


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## CAgirl (Apr 17, 2008)

Happilymarried - thank you for thinking of him needing the job to support the kids. Yes, in my anger, I had forgotten that. 

Twain - from the letter, I get the feeling this qualifies as an emotional affair. They have a lot in common and discuss things other than sex. Politics and things I have no interest in.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Yep, sex certainly makes for a happy marriage. It doesn't matter how beautiful you are or how skinny you are. Look at the stars who cheat on other beautiful stars. It is how you make your partner feel. I am 41 my hubby is turning 50 next year. I am not the same as I was when I was 18 but I do make him feel special, loved and I still love to play. But if neither wants to be there, your kids are not going to keep you together, nor should they. The letter he wrote is really a cry for love and attention. He isn't getting that at home and neither are you. He states those things in the letter to try and get some sympathy out of the 18 year old. He sounds like his marriage has given him some low-self esteem and the young one lady being interested is increasing his ego and self-worth. But that is another whole side to the issue.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

CAgirl-

But what I was asking was, what is your sex life like?


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## CAgirl (Apr 17, 2008)

Well, since our relationship has had ups and downs over the past few years, so has our sex life. When it's good, it's great. When it's not, it's not.

I agree, Hapmar, it is very sad and the blame is not all his. While I did not do anything like this to hurt him, I must have contributed to his unhappiness and need to find it somewhere outside of our marriage.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, but what I am trying to say is that it could be as simple as sex. Maybe he feels you don't really desire him.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

CAgirl said:


> I agree, Hapmar, it is very sad and the blame is not all his. While I did not do anything like this to hurt him, I must have contributed to his unhappiness and need to find it somewhere outside of our marriage.



I think you two contributed to both of your unhappinesses. You both can turn it around if you want and you both can let it go if you want to. I really do wish you luck. You actually sound like a good couple, just a little lost on how to make it work for both of you.


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## CAgirl (Apr 17, 2008)

He came home. The girl is not who I thought so this does not affect his work at all. No blackmail possible. He did say, "You don't look that upset." And that is really what scares me the most. I'll update after the dust clears. Thanks, guys.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

CAgirl said:


> This morning I found a letter that my husband wrote to an 18 year old girl. Basically, she's been making advances and he is considering having an affair. I do not think they have yet. He only wrote it yesterday.
> 
> Our marriage? It's been on the rocks for a long, long time. Years. Until now, nothing horrible has happened to cause it. No one has had an affair so far (I am positive). We are just lousy communicators and probably chose the wrong person to marry. We have three kids - 8, 6, and 4. I do not know what i want. I have not confronted him because he is fishing today and not home yet. I have not cried. Is that weird? Part of me is relieved that I have a reason to send him packing. The other part is sad for my kids and thinking that if nothing has happened yet, maybe this can be saved.
> 
> ...


Everyone doesn't stay looking like they did when they first got married. Tell your husband about the letter. Tell him he can stick that paper up his mean azz side ways, because your butt has gotten much bigger since I first married you.  :rofl:


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Make a copy of that mean letter to show your lawyer, if you choose to part from him. Good luck to you, hun.


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## LoriFrank (Aug 16, 2008)

Maybe you are not that upset because you knew things were heading this way all along. Sometimes validating what you have 'known in your heart' for a while does not upset you but will give you the courage to have the 'hard' talks. Good luck to you.


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## CAgirl (Apr 17, 2008)

I wanted to update for those of you who were nice enough to give advice and offer good wishes. Yes, there was fighting and talking and more talking and silence (oh, the silence). BUt after much thought and no sleep, I realized that I DO want him. I DO love him and I DO want our family to be happy. At some point I had an "Ah-Ha" moment. He needed me to tell him that. He was waiting for me to ask him to stay. He needed me to want him like this girl wanted him. So I begged him to stay. Told him I loved him and needed him and would do anything to make him want to come home to me every night. I immediately felt a weight lifted off of our shoulders and saw a glimmer of hope. He says nothing happened and probably wouldn't have. I do believe that. I think it made him feel really good that someone as young and pretty as this girl found him attractive and interesting. And as his wife, I should have been the one who was making him feel that way, not her. I bought Dr. Ellen's cds. We haven't listened to them yet but he said he will. I'll review those after we do. Thanks again everyone.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

CAgirl said:


> BUt after much thought and no sleep, I realized that I DO want him. I DO love him and I DO want our family to be happy. At some point I had an "Ah-Ha" moment.


I have to say i really thought you were completely removed from this marriage. I was a little shocked to read your response. But good for you. Im glad you came out of your fog.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

so wait a second. it's not the girl you suspected? who is it? someone who will talk politics and all that other stuff you don't care about AND someone who is making him feel physically desireable??? gosh, i'd hate to leap to conclusions, but....could this come down to crappy communication?


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