# Help! Desperately need advice!



## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

I've posted parts of this story in other threads but here it is in full:

My DH came to me almost 2 weeks ago (on our 7th wedding anniversary) and gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. My heart was broken and he became very distant and cold. He was gone almost all day every day, would come home a couple hours in the evening but would leave again. He would either stay out all night or come home in the middle of the night. He also wanted nothing to do with sleeping in our bed. Insisting on using the couch instead. He was texting constantly. And when he wasn't using his phone he kept it in his pocket and he never took his hand off of it. I kept asking who he was talking/texting all the time. He acted like I was crazy and said it was just his friends. I would say "who is she?" but again, he refused to admit there was another woman. 

Finally got smart and checked the cell phone bill. Sure enough, starting in January there were calls between his and another # that sometimes totaled 3 hours a night! When I confronted him he said it was nothing serious just something that happened out of boredom and that it was over. He also refused to tell me who she was or anything about her. His behavior got worse and he told me he wanted to separate. But he has no money and nowhere to go. So this separation has mainly been him either sleeping on his parents couch or crashing at one of his friends houses. After doing some digging I finally found out who she is and also that he is in fact still talking to her and actually meeting up with her.

We have three young children so I have been here trying to maintain sanity, piece my shattered heart back together and maintain our home. He on the other hand, is a mess. One minute he's telling me he wants to try to work on our marriage, the next minute he gone for days at a time and I have no idea what he's doing...but I'm pretty sure it involves her. For days he lied to me and told me it was over with her. But finally one day he fessed up and admitted that they still talk on the phone (I'm pretty sure at this point that he probably sees her too). He keeps saying he isn't sure what he wants. He says he wants to get his own place and live separated for awhile and maybe that will repair our marriage. He also drained our bank account by driving around and spending mass amounts of money at gas stations, making countless bank withdrawls and fast food purchases for two weeks. 

At this point I don't know what to do! I love him still even after all he has put me through. And I want nothing more than to work on our marriage. But I just feel like his heart isn't in it anymore. I feel like it belongs to her but for some reason he is just stringing me along. I'm not sure if I should agree to this separation and hope things will turn around. Or if I should just go ahead and file for divorce. Obviously I think a 180 and LC is in order. But what do you guys think? Is there hope for my marriage?


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

There's hope for any marriage but it takes two to fix and he doesn't seem to be there yet. You need to flush him out.

If all the money has gone then stay firm in your house and follow the advice of Affaircare and the ultimatium her or me approach.

Don't be accommodating his affair. Shock and Awe treatment is necessary to force home the reality of being away from wife and family.

Best of luck. There's so many people everyday discovering cheating partners something legal needs to be done to curtail it.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

I have given him the her or me ultimatum so many times. The problem is he just says "ok". Or he acts like he's choosing me but refuses to cease contact with her, or to prove to me that he has. And you are right, it does take two to fix it. And so far his way of "fixing" it is to just go hide out at his parents house where he can talk/text her as much as he wants without me knowing. A few times I have started doing the 180 and I really feel like every time he starts to feel me pulling away he turns on the charm and tries to pull me back. I just wonder if I'm wasting my time trying to "fix" this. Or if filing for divorce would be my best option. And can a 180 during a separation work even if the cheating spouse keeps on cheating?


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Anyone feel free to give me your opinions no matter how small. I really honestly do not know how to proceed at this point. I can't figure out if I should just back off and "go dark" for a while and maybe he will come back for good. Or if I need to take drastic measures and file for divorce...


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Lawyer up! Know what you state allows you to do as far as getting him out of the house and financial issues. So you're ready. They can give you a lot of specific advice.

STD test. If the other woman is married, tell her husband. Tell your friends and family. Rally the troups. 180. Document, document, write all this eradic behavior down so you have specifics if and when you need it. 

If he's in the fog there's hope. Tell him one last time that you still love him and want to work it out. Explain the no contact with the other woman and that you need to go to marriage counseling together. Then shut up. Put his personal things in a room and tell him he can stay there if he's tired of "couches". Stay a calm, rational adult. I kind of doubt he'd be going back and forth so much if he knew what he was doing. OW probably gave him an ultimatum and then gee it wasn't as easy to do as he thought. But he's not living with her so maybe things aren't so bright in adulterer land.

Take care of yourself. Try to have fun with the kids. This will pass. You will be okay. With or without him.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. I'm about to Lawyer up. I regret sleeping with him a few times the last couple weeks because I worry that he has slept with her too. yuck. Everytime I start the 180 its seems to start working pretty well except then I go and ruin it because I start asking questions like: "Are you still talking to her?" "Do you think you'll ever move back home?" "Do you still love me?" etc. And then I feel like I just end up pushing him away again with that. Plus I'm so angry about everything he has put me and the kids through lately that I always end up getting mad and yelling. And I feel like that is probably just going to push him closer to her because she probably doesn't yell at him. I feel like I need to take that anger and channel it elsewhere.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Get physical...put some music on loud and dance with the kids. Get physically exhausted. It can help so much with the anger. Try to focus your mind to think about good stuff. Every time you start getting angry and upset, think about the good stuff in life. At least you don't have a nuclear plant that got rocked by an earthquake next door....right???

You've done so many hard things in life. You can get through this. Don't worry where his head is at for now. He doesn't even know. There is something to be said, even if you're faking it, to show him you are a strong woman who doesn't NEED him right now. And yep yelling is never attractive. Can you get some counseling for yourself somewhere?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

jdb3 said:


> . But he has no money and nowhere to go. So this separation has mainly been him either sleeping on his parents couch or crashing at one of his friends houses. He also drained our bank account by driving around and spending mass amounts of money at gas stations, making countless bank withdrawls and fast food purchases for two weeks.


Who brings home the money in this relationship? When you say he has no money, it could imply no income.

If you make a significant portion, your first step should be to cut him off. Otherwise, it is almost like you are helping him continue this behavior. 

What I'm asking is if it is an option to open an account elsewhere, transfer your direct deposits and money there, and take your name off of the other account. He can come to you when there is a bill to be paid, if he handles some of them.

By letting your love trump your self respect and well being, you could be sending the signal that even if you work it out, you can be walked on in the future.

Just my opinion. I am so sorry for your pain, and wish you the best.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Yes I am about to get counseling as well  So should I hold off on filing for divorce for now and just see what happens? I'm just afraid that the longer I hold out hope the more it's going to hurt if he ends up never coming back


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

He doesn't work during the winter. He has a job in the summer sealing blacktop. So right now he collects unemployment and that's all. I do not work but I do have some money and I contribute quite a bit into our joint bank account. I have already stopped those funds. And I opened a separate bank account so that he kids and I have money to live off of and pay bills. At this point I'm just going to try to follow the 180 and have LC with him. We have three kids together so I will have to have contact with him. I was feeling like maybe filing for divorce would be my best option because then maybe he would feel like I'm finally done with all this BS he's been putting me through. But I feel like I may be jumping the gun if I do that right now...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*But I just feel like his heart isn't in it anymore. I feel like it belongs to her but for some reason he is just stringing me along. *


Because you are letting him. 

Sure, you issued the same ultimatum but he doesn't believe you because you didn't actually follow through with the consequences. So what are the consequences of him not cutting it off? It's like when you tell a kid, "Don't do that or you are going to get punished!" And they keep doing it but you never punish them. So they now have no respect for you and no belief that you're actually going to do anything so they continue doing whatever the heck they want. Get it? 

Stop letting him decide the status of your marriage. The longer this goes on, the worse chance you have at reconciliation. Trust me. So far it's been since January so that is approx. 2 months though it has probably gone on longer than you know.

What is the backstory on OW? How does he know her? Is she married? if she is married or has a boyfriend, TELL HER PARTNER TODAY THAT SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR HUSBAND. This is crucial!



Lazarus said:


> Don't be accommodating his affair. *Shock and Awe treatment is necessary to force home the reality of being away from wife and family*.


It's the ONLY way he may come around. Right now you are basically serving his cake on a silver platter to him and asking if he wants soda pop to wash it down with. You are saying to him "I am really hurt by your affair and the fact you won't cut it off but ya know what, I am still here for you if you decide some day, God knows when that may be, I will always be here for you no matter how much you betray and disrespect me. Would you also like some ice cream with that cake?"



jdb3 said:


> And can a 180 during a separation work even if the cheating spouse keeps on cheating?


180s do work. They are for you, too. (mostly fo ryou). If the cheating spouse keeps cheating after being discovered/found out and asked to stop, then your marriage is over and they have no respect for you.



jdb3 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I'm about to Lawyer up. I regret sleeping with him a few times the last couple weeks because I worry that he has slept with her too. yuck. Everytime I start the 180 its seems to start working pretty well except then I go and ruin it because I start asking questions like: "Are you still talking to her?" "Do you think you'll ever move back home?" "Do you still love me?" etc.


You need to get tested for STDs. You have no idea who this woman has been with besides your husband. 
Also, stop asking about her. You already know he's lied to you and hasn't cut it off. That is why he says he's "confused." Make the decision for him.



jdb3 said:


> I'm just afraid that the longer I hold out hope the more it's going to hurt if he ends up never coming back


That is correct--the longer you put up with his behavior, the worse shot you have at saving your M. 

IC is a great idea. Go for it


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JD--stick to one thread only so it's easy to follow your story.

I copy/pasted this from your other thread:



jdb3 said:


> *He also admits he's still involved with her and has no plans to cut her out of his life. *I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I do know that I wont be his doormat and *I refuse to share any man*. I guess a 180 is probably my best option at this point.


You are sharing him. Right now you have an open marriage, even if it's not what you want. If he won't give her up, then you have to decide if you are ok with that.




jdb3 said:


> He comes here sometimes and is all over me and tells me that he still loves me but he just doesn't know what he wants.


Stop letting him be all over you. Never reward bad behavior. You are his Plan B right now. Oh and you asked about whether you should agree to a separation or not... Yes. You agree with him. The reason for that is that if you fight him on it, it will push him further away and make you look desperate, which is a total turn off.

So if he says "JD, let's get separated so I can figure this thing out but let's still have sex and stuff while I boff OW" (course he won't use these words but that is basically what he's offering you)... You reply "Mr. JD, I agree we should separate because right now our marriage as-is isn't working for me or the children. I want to be with a man who will commit to me and our family 100% and I refuse to live in an open marriage." 

If he wants out, let him go. Open the door for me. 

NEVER ever chase someone who is running away from you.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

The story on the other woman is this: They went to HS together. They reconnected on Facebook (this is what he has told me) and it started out as online chatting. Then they started talking on the phone. And eventually they ended up seeing each other in person because she lives here in the same town. My cousin is a mutal Facebook friend of both the OW and myself. And my cousin said that the OW's Facebook status went from being "engaged" to "single" on March 18. My husband came to me on March 12 and dropped the bomb that he "wasn't happy" in our marriage. Coincidence right?! lol I have no idea how serious their relationship has become, he will only say that it's not that serious and that's it's more friendly than anything else. But you don't leave your wife and kids for a friendship. Oh but he will not admit that's the reason he left me. He just say's it was because of the issues between he and I and that it really didn't have anything to do with her. He also says she didn't break up the marriage because the marriage was already broken up before she came into the picture...which is news to me. 

He has just been so incredibly insensitive and mean throughout this whole ordeal. I just feel at this point like he truly doesn't love me anymore because I don't understand how you can treat someone you LOVE so badly.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's serious enough that he's putting your marriage on the backburner while he has sex with OW.

So what are you going to do?


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Well I still haven't decided if I'm going to file for divorce just yet but I have already made an appointment with an attorney. But we definitely have to be separated. Which is not much of a problem because he's not living or staying here right now. And our contact is going to have to be limited to being about the kids. Also he found out today about the separate bank account. He was not surprisingly very angry about it. He told me that he was just going to have everything that is in his name (all of our utilities are as he was always the one paying the bills) shut off. Real nice. That's exactly what a loving father should do...have his kids and wife stuck in a dark cold house with no phone. But I feel like it was for the best. As long as he's cheating on me (and apparently doesn't have a problem doing so) he doesn't deserve access to my money. Not to mention he can't be trusted and the kids and I NEED to have a little bit of money.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Protect yourself.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

WOW! Are you for real or are you reading my mind and posting my story? lol The only difference is mine are further apart and she is not willing to leave the home. Divorce is expensive. With the kids and the lack of cash flow for a retainer, I have been holding off. 

He seems to be exactly like my wife. She is "torn" between what to do. Cut him off, financially and sexually. 

I am sorry you are in this position also. We should open a doormat club. Doormats R Us. I actually got on the floor last night and rubbed her foot on my face to show her what she is actually doing, using me as a doormat. I told her to be more actual though, she needs to go walk through some dog sh-- first.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

HurtinginTN you are right Divorce is expensive. And as a child of divorce I know exactly how this will impact my children's lives. So I have been trying to keep that as my last resort. There is a part of me that thinks even after everything we have been through, maybe some day he will snap out of this and realize everything he has thrown away. But the general consensus seems to be that I have got to stop allowing him to play games with me. If he wants to have the relationship with her than he needs to be with ONLY her. Not both of us. At this point I know what I need to do...like you said I need to cut him of financially and sexually. My fear is that he will run to her completely and never look back. But at the same time I feel like I have pretty much already lost him so it can't get much worse 

I'm sorry you are going through this too. It really is the most awful feeling!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I actually got on the floor last night and rubbed her foot on my face to show her what she is actually doing, using me as a doormat. I told her to be more actual though, she needs to go walk through some dog sh-- first.


Hurt, I am going to virtually slap you upside the head!!! WTH are you doing???? Take your power back!!!!!!

Re: retainers--most attorneys will offer you a payment plan if you explain your $$ situation. So look into it.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Wow what an ass. Threatening to cut off your utilites would be the last straw for me. 

You're the only one who can make the call when to give up. But he doesn't appear to care. Divorce him. When he regrets his decision I hope you're happy and in a secure spot in your own life and don't want him any more.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

eweee ..really he was sexing you up while he still has the OW???

Wow she must be fun....LOL


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

Thanks Saffron. Not sure if I'm going to file for divorce just yet. But I am consulting with an attorney and I think a legal separation is def. in order. Yes he was sexing me up while still seeing the OW. I have no idea if they have slept together or not. I guess a part of me figured that if he was getting it from me maybe he might now be so interested in it from her. Yeah it was stupid (and dangerous) I now realize. But I'm done being his weak little doormat. I have be strong. Because lie jellybeans said...me being needy and desperate is just going to turn him off even more. Plus I just feel like it's time to take control back. I will NOT let him dictate the rest of my life. I'm moving on ...with or without him. And if he decides to come too he's going to have to do it without the OW and PROVE it.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

If the term "Drop that ZERO, and get with a HERO" applied- this is it. Empower yourself.


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