# Should I tell her?



## Tenn40 (Feb 24, 2013)

I love my wife. We are both happy with each other. We have children. I dont know why, but I cheated on her with 2 different women. I feel bad and have cut it off completely. If I told my wife it would devastate her. I dont want to tell her, but my question is: Should I tell her about the indescretions?


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Why did you do it? Twice! 

Didn't you feel bad after the first time? Why did you do it a second time?

Surely you may do it again. Have you thought about speaking to a counsellor?


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## Tenn40 (Feb 24, 2013)

Yes. I felt bad. I guess I just got caught up in the fleshly excitement of it. I know there will always be a tendency to do it again, but I plan on fighting against it. My question is: What advice can people give me on why I should or should not tell her it happened? It could cause a divorce and it would definatly cause a lot of pain.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Most people here will advise you to come clean and take the consequences. 

Could you live with yourself if you didn't tell her? 

Would you want to know if she had done something like this?

The truth has a nasty habit of coming out eventually . . . .


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Would you want to know if she slept with two men behind your back being caught up in the flesh? Would you mind if she did? Would you?

You should absolutely tell her. Not telling her is living in a daily lie for the rest of your life. The ultimate betrayal. Why are you taking this so lightly? Give her the opportunity to decide if she wants to continue the marriage. 

Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if the tables were turned and she cheated on you while you were faithful. Your wife WILL find out about the affairs eventually. It's better it comes from you.


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## Tenn40 (Feb 24, 2013)

I would rather live with the pain than to cause her or my kids pain. I would probably want to know, but what I dont know would not hurt me. The only way she could know about it is if I told her since the girl is from out of town.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How well can you keep a secret like that? 
How well can these two women keep a secret like that?
How do you know you didn't pick up a STI?

Tell her. 
Tell her today.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

I thought you cheated with 2 different women, no?


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## Tenn40 (Feb 24, 2013)

I feel guilt, but I can not live with myself if I hurt her that badly, so I would rather live with my guilt than to cause her pain. The women do not know her or where I live.


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## Tenn40 (Feb 24, 2013)

both out of town


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You don't sound all too sure that this won't happen again.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Tenn40 said:


> both out of town


If you feel you're gonna get away with it, you'll probably cheat on her again at some point in the future.


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## Tenn40 (Feb 24, 2013)

I am very sure this wont happen again, I just did not want to sound like I am a person thats got it all together, because obviously I dont.


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## Tenn40 (Feb 24, 2013)

No. I wont ever do it again. Thats why I dont want to tell her because it only causes pain and will change things forever.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tenn40 said:


> I feel guilt, but I can not live with myself if I hurt her that badly, so I would rather live with my guilt than to cause her pain. The women do not know her or where I live.


And there's no way you will ever run into them again. You won't run into one of them when you are out with your wife. 

Neither of them is married or has a boyfriend. They won't tell their boyfriend/husband about what happened - and the bf/H won't come looking for you? 

Tenn, there's way too many ways this is going to go side-ways on you. Not just that, in a few months - if (big if) nothing "goes wrong" you will realize that you got away with it. And what will keep you from partaking once again - "just one more time and that's it!" you are grooming yourself for becoming "that guy". Instead be "the man".


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tenn40 said:


> I love my wife. We are both happy with each other. We have children. I dont know why, but I cheated on her with 2 different women. I feel bad and have cut it off completely. If I told my wife it would devastate her. I dont want to tell her, but my question is: Should I tell her about the indescretions?


Yes


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tenn40 said:


> I would rather live with the pain than to cause her or my kids pain. I would probably want to know, but what I dont know would not hurt me. The only way she could know about it is if I told her since the girl is from out of town.


Actually what you do not know does hurt you. Your marriage will never be the same. The betrayal is there no matter what.


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## Tenn40 (Feb 24, 2013)

No. They do not know where I live. I met them out of town. There is no way for anyone to come looking for me. I dont want to ever do it again. Its not a matter of getting away with something. It was a stupid thing that I did, that I wish could be taken back, but it cant. I just dont want to hurt my wife. She will be hurt and I cant live with how she would think about me after knowing such.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

There's always a reason for things that happen. Surely you have some idea why you did it.

I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do but *if I was your wife, I would definitely want to know*.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tenn40 said:


> No. They do not know where I live. I met them out of town. There is no way for anyone to come looking for me. I dont want to ever do it again. Its not a matter of getting away with something. It was a stupid thing that I did, that I wish could be taken back, but it cant. I just dont want to hurt my wife. She will be hurt and I cant live with how she would think about me after knowing such.


So you would rather not know that a hot UPS guy showed up one afternoon with an impressive package and convinced your wife to partake? And that she met with the Sear's auto mechanic for a discount on the car repair? You'd rather be blissfully ignorant?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

to say you wont do it again is a lie! you have done it twice now. tell you wife she deserves better than you. give her the option to leave you or not it is HER choice you atleast owe her that, COME CLEAN. you are lying to yourself by saying you wont do it again if we asked you before you cheated if you would you would have said NO.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Tenn40 said:


> I love my wife. We are both happy with each other. We have children. I dont know why, but I cheated on her with 2 different women. I feel bad and have cut it off completely. If I told my wife it would devastate her. I dont want to tell her, but my question is: Should I tell her about the indescretions?


Tenn40,
That's a hard question to answer. I think you need counseling to find out why the need to cheat and especially twice? My husband cheated on me for 3 yrs. before I found out by the OW husband. He also thought he had it covered, it was supposedly over with, but see you never get away with something that is wrong. The OW's husband told me a year later, before he divorced his wife. It devastated me and my life has never been the same since. For you to keep it a secret from your wife on the pretense of not hurting her? You should have thought of that the first time around, not now. I would be livid to not know and be living with someone who could betray me behind my back. How can you live with your self after betraying her, it doesn't speak well of you. I asked my husband once after he destroyed my world, "Would you have ever told me if I hadn't found out and he said, No." So, if I had never found out, I would have went to my grave and been living with a liar for all those years. She has the right to know what she wants to do with her life if you betrayed her. So, check with a counselor and be sure you see one before you hurt both of you even more.
Granny7


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Granny7 said:


> Tenn40,
> That's a hard question to answer. I think you need counseling before you make a decision to find out why the need to and especially twice? My husband cheated on me for 3 yrs. before I found out by the OW husband. It devastated me and my life has never been the same since. Sometimes, since it supposedly was over for a year when I found out, but who know's as he's now a liar in my book, I don't know if I would have wanted to know. On the other hand, to not know and be living with someone who could betray me behind my back and live with himself doesn't speak well of that person. I asked him once, "Would you have ever told me if I hadn't found out and he said, No." So, check with a counselor and be sure you see one before you hurt both of you even more.
> Granny7


Good advice about checking with a counselor. However. Be sure the counselor is experienced or specializes in infidelity. Otherwise you run the risk of getting some very bad advice.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Granny7 said:


> Tenn40,
> That's a hard question to answer. I think you need counseling before you make a decision to find out why the need to and especially twice? My husband cheated on me for 3 yrs. before I found out by the OW husband. It devastated me and my life has never been the same since. Sometimes, since it supposedly was over for a year when I found out, but who know's as he's now a liar in my book, I don't know if I would have wanted to know. On the other hand, to not know and be living with someone who could betray me behind my back and live with himself doesn't speak well of that person. I asked him once, "Would you have ever told me if I hadn't found out and he said, No." So, check with a counselor and be sure you see one before you hurt both of you even more.
> Granny7


Good post, Granny. Pretty much the way I feel about it too.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice, as someone who cheated on his spouse. Either tell her, or end your marriage. If you don't tell her, you won't fix the cause of why you cheated. And no matter what your good intentions to never do it again, you'll go back to thinking "well, nobody REALLY go hurt the last time, so what harm did it do?" And then you're back in the same predicament. But if you tell her, you'll understand what ramifications your actions had, she'll be watching for repeat behaviour, you'll have gone through a painful reconciliation process that you won't want to go through again...

C


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Good advice about checking with a counselor. However. Be sure the counselor is experienced or specializes in infidelity. Otherwise you run the risk of getting some very bad advice.


Walkonmars,
Good point, always find one that specializes in the field that you need help on.
Granny7


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

If you confess, at least you have an opportunity to regain her trust. If you get caught it will be harder for her to trust you again.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't expect more than you are willing to give. So think of this:
If you wife cheated on you once or twice. Then at the advice of a counselor decided not to tell you - you would be content. 

How about if you somehow found out about it later - like 10 years later? 

*Either way. Tell her or not get tested for STIs immediately. Refrain from sex with your wife until you get the results. *


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Ok, I guess my advice is a little different from the other's, but I'll give it to you anyway. 
Ask yourself two questions, and answer honestly:
1. Do you have any intention to cheat again in the future if you got away with it 2 times? If the answer is YES or even MAYBE...then set your wife free. Would you want a spouse like yourself ? If you are truly remorseful, and your answer is "No, I will never cheat again", then ask yourself :
2. How high are the chances she finds out from someone else? If high, don't take that chance. Tell her yourself, or you'll be double screwed. If slim to none, keep your mouth shut. There is no point in hurting your wife. She will lose trust in you, of course, she will feel insecure and suspicious everytime you leave the house, she will lose interest in sex with you, and on the overall, will be so crushed and miserable that you'll wish you said nothing. You cannot change what you've done, but you can choose to be faithful from now on. Get tested for stds, then zip your mouth, and your pants.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

You can't get tested for HPV. Only women can. And she won't know that she has to get tested unless you tell her you've possibly exposed her through sexual contact with TWO different women. Even if you used a condom, HPV can be passed if you had any kind of sex. HPV can lead to cervical cancer. TELL HER.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think human nature being what it is, you have three choices:

1. Confess to your W and take your chances dealing with the hurt. Whatever the outcome here, it will be a strong deterrent to your ever cheating on this particular woman again.

2. Don't tell your W, but divorce her so that she can at least try to find a man who will be faithful.

3. Don't tell your W & stay married. In this case, human nature tells us that you will most likely cheat again.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

If you were really happy in your marriage you would not have cheated. Please be honest with yourself, then be honest with your wife. Yes, she will most likely be devastated but she deserves to know what you are capable of, and she deserves the right to chose whether or not to remain in the marriage.

Please tell her, tell every detail, answer every question she asks. Confess to your parents, her parents, all siblings, and friends. You need to be held accountable for your actions. If you don't confess, and you don't face any consequences then you will more than likely continue to cheat. Yes, you will.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You didn't learn anything from the first time you cheated, so you were able to live with the guilt then. Then you cheated a second time, and now you don't think you can live with the guilt.

So if you don't come clean and tell your wife, I guess in time you will get over this round of guilty feelings and cheat a third time, and then a fourth, a fifth......

Please tell your wife the truth.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Tenn40 said:


> I cant live with how she would think about me after knowing such.


You mean when she finds out what kind of man she is REALLY married too? One who fvcks other women.

No.... you wouldn't want that would you? 

Then she'd know her marriage was a sham!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I should probably keep my mouth shut but I'm a little ambivalent on whether to tell her or not. I believe a lot of times people admit their indiscretion to relieve their own conscience. If that's the case, I wouldn't recommend it since you would be hurting her only to help yourself. You may need to get some help for yourself if you simply need to chase other women. 
However, as one poster pointed out, something may right in your marriage. If your romantic interest was high, you wouldn't have cheated to begin with. If that's the case, your more than likely going to cheat again. Given enough time, you're going to be asking yourself why should you be loyal to someone you're not really that in to.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Tenn40,
I have answered your question earlier today, but I pray that you listen to what has happened to me since then. I'll try and make it brief, but it has a very good lesson in what I'm going to say.

My husband had an affair 25 yrs. ago for 3 yrs. without my knowledge. I found out a year after he ended it, when another person, her now ex-husband sent me a letter telling me about it, along with the explicit and hurtful love letters. THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU ALSO! This letter and my husband's affair that I never knew about and never dreamed he would do as I thought we had such a beautiful love, destroyed and changed my total life.

As I mentioned before, I asked my husband, when we were talking in between fighting, "Would he ever have told me if I hadn't got that letter and he said NO!" I know he wouldn't have because he thought he had got away with it, I didn't know, so I never got hurt ( I did though as I didn't have all of him for those 3 yrs., his attention was divided ) and we could go on living happily ever after because he had his fun and could go on with life and I never was any wiser. 

For those of you who thought he had a reason to have an affair, nothing was lacking in our marriage, what was missing was within himself, low self-esteem, felt entitled, needed new ego stroking, he had mine for 25 yrs., she was new. So, I couldn't have done anything better for our marriage, it was his weakness that lead to it, which he has said many times. 

After that unexpected letter arrived (remember you said she might not ever find out or you didn't want to hurt her) my world fell apart. My husband thought he had gotten away with it, a year later someone else tells me and if he hadn't, people at work knew about it. Their are no secrets when it comes to affairs. They crawl out of the woodwork and yours could to. Sometimes I wonder, "Would I have rather not known, that's a hard one to answer." How can a marriage be built on a lie?

I never got the total truth from my husband, most spouses don't want to hurt their spouses feelings, so they don't tell them. Then the spouses live the rest of their marriage, if they stay in it, with doubts like I did. If only the straying spouse thought about their partner before they slept with someone else and you've already done it with two separate woman and don't know why? I would say that counseling would be a given for you and if their are actual problems in your marriage, then you owe it to your wife to discuss them with her, seek counseling together and maybe then the counselor can ease you into preparing your wife for the truth.

Getting back to the truth, my world fell apart tonight as I caught my husband on his computer going on this site and reading, behind my back what I had posted on here. It's not that he doesn't know what I probably have said, it's that he didn't ask me first and when confronted, he lied about it and even made up more lies to cover those. I was so angry as that was an invasion of my privacy. 

This all stems from him being a liar as he's never told me what happened during his 3 yr. affair, sex, he denies, still won't admit that he did or even tried to. That's a story in itself as I had him take Polygraph tests because he wouldn't tell me anything. So for me to stay in our 25 yr. marriage, I told him it was either that or I was out the door. Well in regards to the sex, it came back in-conclusive. So for all these years he won't admit it and the sex partner says he was impotent???? Can you understand how this can eat at you?

I finally put it to rest and then it all came back to me a couple yrs. ago and I couldn't get past what he had done. The affair back then was to painful for me to even address, even with counseling. The sex was hard for me to imagine, but I finally had to put it to rest as it was affecting my health. I thought I had put it to bed, but it came back to haunt me 25 yrs. later.

Tonight, when he went on this site and invaded my privacy without asking, our world exploded. I was so angry that he lied to me again and I felt like I had married a man with no morals and no character. Now, I am faced with what is going to happen to us after 51 yrs. of marriage, all due to what he did 25 years ago. His affair, just like your sleeping with 2 women, changed our whole life and marriage and even all these years later it could be destroyed.

So, I know this is long, but it shows you what a mistake can do to a marriage. Do you tell her or do you keep it to yourself. Either way, I think you've got problems. I think in a way I would have wanted to know, but if you do tell your wife, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T WITHHOLD ANYTHING! You owe her that, if she decides to stay with you. Those are the consequences of what you have done. Yes, the children will be affected, just like mine where.

So, sorry this is long, but I hope I've said something to you that will cause you to think about what you've done and handle it accordingly. As I sit here in pain, scared and not knowing where my life is going, all because of my husbands affair that he thought he had gotten away with.

Granny7


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Tenn---do we all really look that gullible to you------You are full of it, and you know it

I am very sure the 1st time, you said, referring to your wife, she will never find out---no one will be hurt, AND I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN

Guess what---YOU DID IT AGAIN-----and now you expect us to believe you won't do this a 3rd , 4th, 5th---time---give us a break

Its sad that your own flesh and blood children are forced to have YOU, as a father and role model----You don't like being talked to that way do you------but how would you expect one to talk to a cheater, who tells bold faced lies---what do you see when you look in the mirror.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Don't expect more than you are willing to give. So think of this:
> If you wife cheated on you once or twice. Then at the advice of a counselor decided not to tell you - you would be content.
> 
> How about if you somehow found out about it later - like 10 years later?
> ...


walkonmars,
Good advice, someone can always come along later and tell the betrayed spouse what happened and then it's even harder for the cheater to make the marriage work.
Granny7


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Tenn40 said:


> No. They do not know where I live. I met them out of town. There is no way for anyone to come looking for me. I dont want to ever do it again. Its not a matter of getting away with something. It was a stupid thing that I did, that I wish could be taken back, but it cant. I just dont want to hurt my wife. She will be hurt and I cant live with how she would think about me after knowing such.


 Chances are you will do it again... You have already hurt your wife, she just doesn't know that you did yet... You should have thought about hurting your wife before you slept with 2 different woman. And chances are she already knows deep down that something is off.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Tenn40 said:


> I feel guilt, but I can not live with myself if I hurt her that badly, so I would rather live with my guilt than to cause her pain. The women do not know her or where I live.


 If they know your first and last name it is not that hard to find anyone.. You just pay a small fee and you can have someone address in a matter of seconds. Or even a phone number.. Even if your information is unlisted.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> You can't get tested for HPV. Only women can. And she won't know that she has to get tested unless you tell her you've possibly exposed her through sexual contact with TWO different women. Even if you used a condom, HPV can be passed if you had any kind of sex. HPV can lead to cervical cancer. TELL HER.


hopefulgirl,

Good point to make to him. Heaven forbid if she contacted something like that, since he's been with 2 women. He never said how long he saw these women? Or else I missed it. I'm glad you pointed out that to him, he's got to tell her now. I don't know why I didn't think about that. I know I got checked after my H's affair and if her ex-husband hadn't told me and he did have sex with her, I could have caught something. Thank goodness I was clear.

Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

ladybird said:


> If they know your first and last name it is not that hard to find anyone.. You just pay a small fee and you can have someone address in a matter of seconds. Or even a phone number.. Even if your information is unlisted.


ladybird,
I read your message about paying a small fee to find someone, like you suggested to Tenn40. I have looked at a lot of sights trying to find the OW or her ex-husband to find out the truth, since my H won't tell me. Their are so many out there and they take your credit card and get you roped in and then charge you every month even though you might only want a week membership. Once they get that credit card # it's hard to get the charge stopped, they don't answer the phone and it can be a nightmare. Do you have any good suggestions or does anyone else on here have any experience with an honest sight?

Thanks, Granny7


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

To granny 7
I used spokeo and paid i think 10 dollars for a month. Got lots of good information from that.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> If you were really happy in your marriage you would not have cheated. Please be honest with yourself, then be honest with your wife. Yes, she will most likely be devastated but she deserves to know what you are capable of, and she deserves the right to chose whether or not to remain in the marriage.
> 
> Please tell her, tell every detail, answer every question she asks. Confess to your parents, her parents, all siblings, and friends. You need to be held accountable for your actions. If you don't confess, and you don't face any consequences then you will more than likely continue to cheat. Yes, you will.


Aunt Ava,
I like what you have said, except for one thing. He might not have been happy in his marriage, but all men that cheat aren't un-happy in their marriage. I've read and been to two counselors who have told me the same thing and I know it wasn't anything that I didn't do for him. He was on such a pedestal that I had him on if he had fell off he would have had a nosebleed. I couldn't have loved him anymore, even after 25 yrs. of marriage. Sure we had our problems, but we loved each other. She came on to him with her flirting, he was with a group at a business conference, been drinking and got interested in her. He would have never pursued another woman, that wasn't his style. But he had an addictive personality, if he wanted something, like alcohol, certain foods, he never denied himself anything and he didn't deny the extra attention she gave him. 

As the counselors said, sometimes when a spouse cheats it has nothing to do with the marriage, it has to do with what the cheater is missing within, self esteem, self confidence, given everything in their childhood, so they were use to taking things because they liked it. it comes down to the inner core of a man's values, character, etc. Their marriage can be real good, but it's never enough for someone who might need that extra attention like my husband. That doesn't excuse it, nothing does and it's sad. 

Tenn40 has already slept with 2 women, so something is wrong within him, maybe he has a wonderful wife, but it's not enough for him. Only a counselor can tell him or them that answer. Good advice and I hope he seeks help before he hurts anyone else.

Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

All of a sudden said:


> To granny 7
> I used spokeo and paid i think 10 dollars for a month. Got lots of good information from that.


All of a sudden,
Thank you so much. Were you able to get e-mail address's, the latest phone #'s, etc. Did you have any trouble with them canceling your credit card number?

Granny7


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Granny I've also used spokeo... found what I was looking for and when i cancelled it went through no worries. 

Very simple.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

The mind is an interesting thing. You can definately file these experiences away, and in a few years the indiscretions will seem more like a dream than actual reality. 

Do not tell a fly about it, I wouldnt have even written it in on this forum!

Keep you wife happy and your family whole, because as you say 'what you dont know cant hurt you', and try not to be a prick from now on!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Granny7 said:


> All of a sudden,
> Thank you so much. Were you able to get e-mail address's, the latest phone #'s, etc. Did you have any trouble with them canceling your credit card number?
> 
> Granny7


Spokeo isn't always accurate. But sometimes they are amazingly thorough. They may be able to provide an email addy - sometimes for an added fee. I have a current acct with them if you PM me the # I'll look it up for you.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Always amazed by this 

So you think should you say nothing - that your wife will never ever find out - ever? 

Wrong! she will, it might be by some odd coincidence, some accident meeting with somebody who can in some small way put the skids underway. Then she'll start digging (you think she won't - wrong she will) and eventually and it may take years but eventually your house of cards will fall. I'd like to know how many affairs actually stay secret for ever - not many

And when it does the biggest thing she will say is that you've lived a complete lie in this interim period and the marriage was not worth a bean 

All the good times were merely a coverup ................by you

And you can add in that the kids when older will have about as low an opinion of their 'wonderful' dad as it's possible to have 

You may not think it now but that is the day you have to look forward to and if you think you feel bad now just wait to get your teeth into how bad that will feel as well. 

I'll meanly add of course that with no boundary sown up and no fear of any retribution from your good lady wife you'll probably cheat on her again and again


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Spokeo isn't always accurate. But sometimes they are amazingly thorough. They may be able to provide an email addy - sometimes for an added fee. I have a current acct with them if you PM me the # I'll look it up for you.


Thanks walkonmars,
I did PM you, so hopefully you will get it.

Granny7


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Granny, it is probably covered now, thanks to walkonmars, but if in the future you have concerns using a credit card online, it is possible to get limited use credit cards now. You can get them in places like supermarkets, and load them up with $25, $50, or the like. That way you can limit the risk to a relatively small stake, and don't have the potential hassle.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I'm curious how far apart did these affairs happen?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Granny7 said:


> Aunt Ava,
> I like what you have said, except for one thing. He might not have been happy in his marriage, but all men that cheat aren't un-happy in their marriage. I've read and been to two counselors who have told me the same thing and I know it wasn't anything that I didn't do for him. He was on such a pedestal that I had him on if he had fell off he would have had a nosebleed. I couldn't have loved him anymore, even after 25 yrs. of marriage. Sure we had our problems, but we loved each other. She came on to him with her flirting, he was with a group at a business conference, been drinking and got interested in her. He would have never pursued another woman, that wasn't his style. But he had an addictive personality, if he wanted something, like alcohol, certain foods, he never denied himself anything and he didn't deny the extra attention she gave him.
> 
> As the counselors said, sometimes when a spouse cheats it has nothing to do with the marriage, it has to do with what the cheater is missing within, self esteem, self confidence, given everything in their childhood, so they were use to taking things because they liked it. it comes down to the inner core of a man's values, character, etc. Their marriage can be real good, but it's never enough for someone who might need that extra attention like my husband. That doesn't excuse it, nothing does and it's sad.
> ...


Totally agree with what you wrote.

My partner was and still is very happy with our relationship. So why did he cheat I ask.

My partner cheated on me because he still had issues with an ex..old wounds that reopened when he bumped into her again. He suffered from low self esteem and rejection when he had a relationship with her years back.

So when he bumped into her again, the old insecurities were rekindled and he slept with her to prove a point to himself. Plus it sexually excited him. When he was with her he was able to separate that with his relationship with me.

We are in R as I do want to give him a chance. But only one.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Granny7 said:


> ladybird,
> I read your message about paying a small fee to find someone, like you suggested to Tenn40. I have looked at a lot of sights trying to find the OW or her ex-husband to find out the truth, since my H won't tell me. Their are so many out there and they take your credit card and get you roped in and then charge you every month even though you might only want a week membership. Once they get that credit card # it's hard to get the charge stopped, they don't answer the phone and it can be a nightmare. Do you have any good suggestions or does anyone else on here have any experience with an honest sight?
> 
> Thanks, Granny7


 I have used peoplefinders.com.. Most websites do require you to pay a monthly fee, but some offer free trials.. .Just sign up put your cc info in and once you find what you are looking for you should be able to cancel the account online with out being charged for it. =)..

EDIT:

Did you find the info you were looking for through walkonmars Granny7?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Headspin said:


> So you think should you say nothing - that your wife will never ever find out - ever?
> 
> Wrong! she will, it might be by some odd coincidence, some accident meeting with somebody who can in some small way put the skids underway. Then she'll start digging (you think she won't - wrong she will) and eventually and it may take years but eventually your house of cards will fall. I'd like to know how many affairs actually stay secret for ever - not many


I was 4,000 miles away from home. My husband was 6,000 miles away from home. He met up with and told a mutual friend what he had done. Mutual friend told his wife, who was living 1,500 miles away from him, and she told me. Busted.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I doubt the OP will be back. He didn't get told what he wanted to be told.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I doubt the OP will be back. He didn't get told what he wanted to be told.


LOL true. As if he really needed to be told what the right thing to do was.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Granny, it is probably covered now, thanks to walkonmars, but if in the future you have concerns using a credit card online, it is possible to get limited use credit cards now. You can get them in places like supermarkets, and load them up with $25, $50, or the like. That way you can limit the risk to a relatively small stake, and don't have the potential hassle.


Sad and Angry,
What a sweetheart you are. I didn't know that. I guess I don't get out much (-: We just have such good credit and hate getting involved with some of these companies that take your card, keep charging it and then it takes dozens of phone calls to get them to stop. I have a friend looking on Spokeo for her and her ex-husband and so far, he's had no luck in finding her so far, but I don't give up and neither has he. We have some of the nicest people on this site. We all help each other!

And my H went secretly on my site last night and was reading what I had said, then tried to hide what he was doing. Then denied it and made up every excuse in the books for what he was doing. Their is nothing I've ever put on here that I haven't told him, but to go behind my back and then lie to my face, I can't tell you how it affected me.

I should ask that question, "How would you feel if your husband went behind your back and was reading your private e-mails on here?

Thanks for the advice, it really helps me. I heard that the People site is good also. I've done a lot of research and the credit card is what has stopped me from doing it and you've given me the perfect answer.

Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Granny7 said:


> Sad and Angry,
> What a sweetheart you are. I didn't know that. I guess I don't get out much (-: We just have such good credit and hate getting involved with some of these companies that take your card, keep charging it and then it takes dozens of phone calls to get them to stop. I have a friend looking on Spokeo for her and her ex-husband and so far, he's had no luck in finding her so far, but I don't give up and neither has he. We have some of the nicest people on this site. We all help each other!
> 
> And my H went secretly on my site last night and was reading what I had said, then tried to hide what he was doing. Then denied it and made up every excuse in the books for what he was doing. Their is nothing I've ever put on here that I haven't told him, but to go behind my back and then lie to my face, I can't tell you how it affected me.
> ...


Sad and Angry,
Walkonmars, is having trouble finding her, but we haven't given up. So thank you for the help.

Granny7


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

Tenn40 said:


> I feel guilt, but I can not live with myself if I hurt her that badly, so I would rather live with my guilt than to cause her pain. The women do not know her or where I live.


It sounds like you're not REALLY thinking about why you should or should not tell her but rather justifying yourself for NOT telling her.



Tenn40 said:


> I would rather live with the pain than to cause her or my kids pain. I would probably want to know, but what I dont know would not hurt me. The only way she could know about it is if I told her since the girl is from out of town.


I don't think YOU can 'live with the pain'. That would mean sacrifising your own peace of mind so that she doesn't know about a horrible mistake you made once and will never make again and therefore shouldn't ruin your marriage. But you did it twice. Most likely you will do it again.

You should tell her. How can you trust yourself to not do it again? You failed to fight it on your own the first time. So the reason for not telling your spouse of infidelity (to not cause him or her pain) is out the window because there's a huge possibility that it will repeat itself and she will find out or it will affect her somehow (STDs, even condoms aren't 100% safe) and pain for her is inevitable. It should be HER choice whether or not she wants to risk giving you a chance to be faithful.

AND if you really want to fight off the urges it will be easier with helping you. I really think YOU are the kind of person that needs someone pressuring you not to cheat. 

Good luck.


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