# Need some help



## Ulen864 (Sep 23, 2012)

My wife does not seem to like spending any amount of time with me. When she is at home, she is online talking to people or checking FB and when she isn't online, she is texting on her phone. Not a huge deal but it is daily and then she wants to spend many nights out with friends either at their house or out drinking. I know she loves me and would not hurt me but I have brought this up to her before but she finds reasons that her friends need her or she needs some time out of the house. We have 2 kids and they are 1 and 5. 
I get that she needs time but leaving me home gives me the responsibility of cleaning the house and everything else within it. I do not know what to do about this since she does not seem like changing her ways any time in the near future. Advice???


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NOT GOOD.

Many people think that you should spend 15 hours plus a week of one one quality time together.

No way I would be staying home while my wife went out drinking.



> My wife does not seem to like spending any amount of time with me. When she is at home, she is online talking to people or checking FB and when she isn't online, she is texting on her phone.
> 
> Who is she communicating with? It matters. But even if it is not other men, this is still draining the life out of your marriage.
> 
> ...


So how about some more information. It is very hard to determine what might be going on. But it does not sound very good.


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## Ulen864 (Sep 23, 2012)

She talks mostly with 3 of her friends, but they are flaky friends that she doesnt fully seem to like because of their flakiness. 

We dont date each other anymore, both tired and dont find time to. She spends 2-3 nights a week out with her friends. 

I am not her first priority. Last night she wanted to hang out with her friend and when presented with choosing, she choose her friend. Only when she came home and saw me a little bummed did she text her friend and say she couldnt hang out. 

She isnt a party girl out clubbing all the time, but she does go out to a rave or bar with her single friend semi-often. This has only come up as of late. Sex life it ok, once a week or so. And all of my friends are an hour away and that is her resoning for not being able to see them. I hang out with one of them once a month, maybe. And Im a good guy, but have been an ******* this past month because I feel like ****, both cuz of her and my job blows. 

As for house chores I do the most, she has started to do something every so often but I am the one doing the lions share. 

I am beat, I am in constant competition with her friends and have almost been getting needy because of it. Im trying to give her space to go out with her friends but she just rolls me over. Her friends are ok but they are single or dont have kids and dont get it.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

This isn't a marriage, the dynamic sounds more like an indulgent parent of a teenage girl. You need to stop beating around the bush with her and get serious if you want to see any changes, and don't expect it to be easy. More than likely she will get sulky, defiant, and disobedient, just like a teenager having her activities curtailed. I'd start off the conversation telling her this too. Does she work? If not, kill the cell phone you are paying for. She can call her friends when you are at work. When you are home, its husband and family time. Put your foot down on going to see friends 3x a week. Seriously!? She is a mother to two young children, why is she ditching her children to go play with friends half the week? Oh I agree, moms need girl time to get a break but this is far far above and beyond a break. I advocate a pretty hard line here, like once a week. And that's only if she has done her chores. Chores are spending quality time with you and cleaning. Not doing those? No play dates with other children! 

Why do none of her friends come to visit her? I'll bet the real children are a hindrance to their partying. When she is out with her friends she can pretend she is single while 'dad' takes care of the house and babies.

Dood you sound like a really easy going, overly permissive husband. You need to dig deep and find your backbone. Without some hard lines, communications and yes rules she isn't going to magically change anything. More than likely her behavior will only get worse because she knows she can get away with it. Like a teenager she will continue to push those boundaries.

Tell her straight that your needs and the needs of the marriage aren't being met. Since she seems unwilling to make responsible changes on her own it will be done YOUR way until you see she can regulate her behavior. 

What's the worst that could happen? She could run around with friends half the week going to bars and doing god know what, she could treat her family home like a hotel where someone else does all the cleaning, she could stop helping with raising and caring for her young children, she could emotionally abandon her tired husband....oh wait...

My point is, she is not likely to change unless forced to. If you change your behavior you have a good chance.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’ve got perhaps a different view on these things.


What you are experiencing is a very big clash of value systems, there’s obviously a massive difference between the two of you wrt what marriage is all about, what you as individuals value about being married.

Now most will say your value system is the normal and valid one and your wife’s somewhat unusual. But in essence and at the end of the day, you went and married the wrong type of woman for the type of married life you had/have in mind.


And now you can take on what would probably turn out to be a lifetime task of trying to change your wife into the type of woman you want in order to get the type of marriage you’d like. What you are suffering from is very big time incompatibility.



The very first step to take is to see what is going on in your wife’s private life. Yes, she has a parallel, private and secret life to her married life. Very much like she is two people, one person with two personalities and two separate and distinct lives.


So take a while to spy on your wife. Be exceedingly discrete about it. VARs in your home, monitor her phone and computer activity. Do this for about 2 months so you get the fullest possible picture about what is going on in her private and secret life.

Once you know that you will know exactly what you face and will therefore be in a much better position to know the best way ahead.


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