# Need Advice, Do you think my husband is cheating?



## CMacadamia

Hoping someone will be able to offer up some advise because I am not sure I am able to look objectively at my situation. I think my husband may be having an affair. We are mid life, he 52 me 48 and I just don't know what to do about our marraige anymore, I am very frustrated. We have been married for 22 years and 5 - 6 years ago things really started to change for the negative. I started to openly communicate my concerns with him about 3 yrs ago when it was apparent that this wasn's just a a blah phase of our marraige. So I will now outline what has been going on and see what you may think...
* About 5-6 yrs ago he stopped physical and emotional intimacey with me
* Around that time he stopped wearing his wedding ring.
* I got verbal about it about 3 yrs ago and voiced my concerns and my desire that we work on our relationship.
* After every conversation (and there have been many) he will make an effort but it is never lasting
* He originally said he was having problems with the plumbing and that is why he wasn't being intimate with me. 
* After the umpteenth discussion he finally went to the doctor reluctantly,(I can have some compassion here cause it would be uncomfortable for him), and got a perscription for cialis.
*The lack of sex didn't improve, the actions that he displays leave me feeling that he has sex with me out of pity and only to appease me after I am truthful about how I feel rejected. No cuddling, talking, touching and he will most times physicall push me away if I get affectionate with him (sit on his lap, kiss him, try to cuddle etc) One time we had sex and he hadn't taken a pill and there was nothing wrong with his erection. How does that happen if a man has erectile dyfunction?! Were the cialis pills just a ploy to provide an ongoing excuse to avoid intimacy? By the way he has full medical coverage so the pills cost us $0. 
* A year ago I noticed scratches on his bum when he was getting dressed, when I asked how they happened he pulled his clothes on and quickly left the room and got quote agressive with me when I asked how that happened. To this day he has never given me an explanation.
* It recently got to a point that I left him with the responsibility of arranging and setting up marraige counselling. He promised me that he called and left a message but it is now 6 weeks later and the couselor hasn't returned the phone call. I think he is lying and didn't even make the call. 
*I have outright asked him if he was/is having and affair but he denies it. 
I could give many more signs but I think this is enough of a start of you to get the gyst.


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## accept

You dont mention if you have kids. I dont think it really makes a difference. Whatever you do it wont last. You might as well give up!


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## CMacadamia

We do have a 17 yr old still at home for another year til he heads off to university. So you think I am banging my head against a brick wall?


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## accept

I do. You must have some idea why he changed.


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## CMacadamia

To be honest other than he may have gotten involved with someone else I am not sure. I don't think that he is the type to have a random affair but more the type that would have a realtionship. There may be a couple of reasons that he would stay with me no matter what, one would be money, money is really really important to him. I think that now that he is early 50 's it is even more important as retirement is getting closer. It would crush him to have to give me half even though I have been a " working " partner for the majority of the marraige. I don't for one second mean to portray that I am a perfect person cause I am not, but I don't think I have done anything in our marraige to make him feel unloved, unappreciated, undesired, rejected etc etc.


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## accept

Perhaps you are too controlling. That puts a man off sex. Look you have to tell him that if he wants to continue living with you things have to change. You just cant carry on as they are. 
Perhaps write him a letter. Ask him what he wants considering you dont know. I must say after such a long time I dont give it much hope. But you at least try. If he knows you can leave he may wake up.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Not wearing a ring and lack of intimacy sounds like an affair to me. Maybe you can dig a little deeper and look through his phone and computer if possible. I really don't know though, these are signs of one.

If he's not having an affair, it's time to reconnect emotionally if he is willing. Make dates and start doing fun things together. I do agree with marriage counseling. Your husband is procrastinating. Maybe you need to set up the appointment. 

Someone here must have better advice for you. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mai

I think you should call it off. No Point in carrying on in a platonic relationship- unless that is what both of you want.



CMacadamia said:


> Hoping someone will be able to offer up some advise because I am not sure I am able to look objectively at my situation. I think my husband may be having an affair. We are mid life, he 52 me 48 and I just don't know what to do about our marraige anymore, I am very frustrated. We have been married for 22 years and 5 - 6 years ago things really started to change for the negative. I started to openly communicate my concerns with him about 3 yrs ago when it was apparent that this wasn's just a a blah phase of our marraige. So I will now outline what has been going on and see what you may think...
> * About 5-6 yrs ago he stopped physical and emotional intimacey with me
> * Around that time he stopped wearing his wedding ring.
> * I got verbal about it about 3 yrs ago and voiced my concerns and my desire that we work on our relationship.
> * After every conversation (and there have been many) he will make an effort but it is never lasting
> * He originally said he was having problems with the plumbing and that is why he wasn't being intimate with me.
> * After the umpteenth discussion he finally went to the doctor reluctantly,(I can have some compassion here cause it would be uncomfortable for him), and got a perscription for cialis.
> *The lack of sex didn't improve, the actions that he displays leave me feeling that he has sex with me out of pity and only to appease me after I am truthful about how I feel rejected. No cuddling, talking, touching and he will most times physicall push me away if I get affectionate with him (sit on his lap, kiss him, try to cuddle etc) One time we had sex and he hadn't taken a pill and there was nothing wrong with his erection. How does that happen if a man has erectile dyfunction?! Were the cialis pills just a ploy to provide an ongoing excuse to avoid intimacy? By the way he has full medical coverage so the pills cost us $0.
> * A year ago I noticed scratches on his bum when he was getting dressed, when I asked how they happened he pulled his clothes on and quickly left the room and got quote agressive with me when I asked how that happened. To this day he has never given me an explanation.
> * It recently got to a point that I left him with the responsibility of arranging and setting up marraige counselling. He promised me that he called and left a message but it is now 6 weeks later and the couselor hasn't returned the phone call. I think he is lying and didn't even make the call.
> *I have outright asked him if he was/is having and affair but he denies it.
> I could give many more signs but I think this is enough of a start of you to get the gyst.


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## CMacadamia

accept said:


> Perhaps you are too controlling. That puts a man off sex. Look you have to tell him that if he wants to continue living with you things have to change. You just cant carry on as they are.
> Perhaps write him a letter. Ask him what he wants considering you dont know. I must say after such a long time I dont give it much hope. But you at least try. If he knows you can leave he may wake up.


I like the write him a letter suggestion accept. I am going to do that. I know I am not a controlling person, I am described by friends and family as a very warm, bubbly, outgoing & affectionate person. I am known as the hugger. I did resort to leaving him for 7 months but came back. Things got better for a short while but here we are back at square one. Very frustrating.


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## memyselfandi

I think you already know the answer to your question regarding if he's having an affair. He's taken off his wedding ring for starters..and the scratches on his rear...there ya go!!

You are not at all a controlling person..you are a WIFE!! He has certain responsibilities to you because you ARE his wife. If he can't handle those responsibilities, then he shouldn't be married.

And if he was so concerned about his money and you taking him for half if you got divorced...what was he thinking when he started this affair? That you'd never find out about it?

I hate to say this but he's stupid. First of all he takes off his wedding ring (screaming infidelity at it's finest!!); then takes off his clothes in front of you while he has "b****" scratches on his rear end!! Does he really think you're THAT blind???

I would divorce his sorry rear (no pun intended..those scratches probably hurt pretty bad the next day..lol) and take what you have coming regarding cash. You certainly deserve it honey!! Move on with your life, learn to love yourself..and in the future, I hope you find a loving man that will love you for the wonderful person you are!!


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## CMacadamia

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not wearing a ring and lack of intimacy sounds like an affair to me. Maybe you can dig a little deeper and look through his phone and computer if possible. I really don't know though, these are signs of one.
> 
> If he's not having an affair, it's time to reconnect emotionally if he is willing. Make dates and start doing fun things together. I do agree with marriage counseling. Your husband is procrastinating. Maybe you need to set up the appointment.
> 
> Someone here must have better advice for you. Good luck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is funny becuase he was travelling for work last week, home on Saturday. Before he left I asked him why he doesn't wear his wedding ring and that when he doesn't it makes me feel like he doesn't value our marraige and committment. He commented that he doesn't mean to hurt me. And then he _conveniently _forgt to wear it. He even went as far as phoning me at work and was very chit chatty and at the end of the conversation said" Oh I forgot one thing, my ring. I am not sure how to take that.


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## CMacadamia

CMacadamia said:


> It is funny becuase he was travelling for work last week, home on Saturday. Before he left I asked him why he doesn't wear his wedding ring and that when he doesn't it makes me feel like he doesn't value our marraige and committment to one another. He commented that he doesn't mean to hurt me and that he just got in the habit of not wearing it. He doesn't work in a physical job that would be danger to wear the ring. And then he _conveniently _forgot to wear it. He even went as far as phoning me at work and was very chit chatty and at the end of the conversation said" Oh I forgot one thing, my ring. I am not sure how to take that.


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## CMacadamia

One more thing... I will try to keep it short. There is a particular woman that I am suspicious of. She is an affiliate through his profession ( she works for his competition, however they are quite often at the same industry events etc etc, travelling in the same circles). About 5-6 yrs ago when crap started to happen he always seemed to know a lot of personal information about her and would relay tidbits. She was going through a divorce, she called another affiliate crying becuase her daugter told her she hated her etc etc. He always would say that another afilliate told him the info. Anyhow to top it all off, she was at the same function he was last week when he forgot to wear his wedding ring. When he came home he never approached me to give me a hug, ask how my week was, and infact was very cold. Never attempted hugs, kisses, cuddles or anything Sat.night, Sun, or Mon. he left for business agian on Tues am and will be home agian tonight. If they got together it would not be possible for them to have an open relationship as they work for competing companies. We are going on a trip to Europe the end of this month. The tip is hosted by both companies so she will be there. He came home one day as said I was talking to "Jenny" and she is so excited that you are going on the trip. He went on an on about how excited she was that I would be there. That I had the same personality as one of her clients who was going to be there and that we would really hit it off. I told him that was odd as I really only met her on a couple of occasions so don't understand why she would be so excited for me to attend and that she doesn't know me so why would she think my personality was going to click with someone elses? He dropped the subject like a hot potatoe! What do you think?


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## CandieGirl

You really should investigate these red flags a little further; Jenny sounds like she wants to pair you off with someone else. Who knows why, but many people having affairs think this way; they fantasize that setting their wife/husband up with someone else will magically clear the way for them to go off into the sunset with their affair partner...!


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## isla~mama

Everything you mention could be explained away with other reasons but the scratches on his butt are a serious red flag! But why would he do something so blatant like take off his wedding ring? Did he give you a reason for that?


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## Almostrecovered

start investigating

get a keylogger on the computers
put a VAR and GPS in the car


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## CMacadamia

Nobody commented on the cialis and the fact that there have been times he will not take it and there is nothing wrong with his erection. Anyone have experience in this department?

* He originally said he was having problems with the plumbing and that is why he wasn't being intimate with me. 
* After the umpteenth discussion he finally went to the doctor reluctantly,(I can have some compassion here cause it would be uncomfortable for him), and got a perscription for cialis.
*The lack of sex didn't improve, the actions that he displays leave me feeling that he has sex with me out of pity and only to appease me after I am truthful about how I feel rejected. No cuddling, talking, touching and he will most times physicall push me away if I get affectionate with him (sit on his lap, kiss him, try to cuddle etc) One time we had sex and he hadn't taken a pill and there was nothing wrong with his erection. How does that happen if a man has erectile dyfunction?! Were the cialis pills just a ploy to provide an ongoing excuse to avoid intimacy? By the way he has full medical coverage so the pills cost us $0.


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## CMacadamia

isla~mama said:


> Everything you mention could be explained away with other reasons but the scratches on his butt are a serious red flag! But why would he do something so blatant like take off his wedding ring? Did he give you a reason for that?





CandieGirl said:


> You really should investigate these red flags a little further; Jenny sounds like she wants to pair you off with someone else. Who knows why, but many people having affairs think this way; they fantasize that setting their wife/husband up with someone else will magically clear the way for them to go off into the sunset with their affair partner...!


I should clarify, he wasn't referring to her thinking I would hit it off with a client that was a man. She was referring to one of her clients wives that I would hit it off with


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## CMacadamia

I should clarify, he wasn't referring to her thinking I would hit it off with a client that was a man. She was referring to one of her clients wives that I would hit it off with


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## Tall Average Guy

CMacadamia said:


> Nobody commented on the cialis and the fact that there have been times he will not take it and there is nothing wrong with his erection. Anyone have experience in this department?
> 
> * He originally said he was having problems with the plumbing and that is why he wasn't being intimate with me.
> * After the umpteenth discussion he finally went to the doctor reluctantly,(I can have some compassion here cause it would be uncomfortable for him), and got a perscription for cialis.
> *The lack of sex didn't improve, the actions that he displays leave me feeling that he has sex with me out of pity and only to appease me after I am truthful about how I feel rejected. No cuddling, talking, touching and he will most times physicall push me away if I get affectionate with him (sit on his lap, kiss him, try to cuddle etc) One time we had sex and he hadn't taken a pill and there was nothing wrong with his erection. How does that happen if a man has erectile dyfunction?! Were the cialis pills just a ploy to provide an ongoing excuse to avoid intimacy? By the way he has full medical coverage so the pills cost us $0.


By itself, this does not mean he is cheating. As I understand it, a man can have ED and still be able to perform from time to time. So in isolation, he could be shying away from any sort of intimacy due to his personal issues with this. He also would not be the first man to not want to address or admit to this problem.

But that assumes everything else is fine, which it is not. The lack of a wedding ring coupled with this tells you everything. He is looking around. 

I really think you need to investigating, as AR noted. Heck, in my opinion, you have enough to end it if you want. You have a roommate, not a husband, so why keep up the sham.


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## Hope1964

My husband took his wedding ring off and told me it bothered him to wear it (chafed his finger) while he was cheating, and even before that, he said he didn't feel married to me or some such nonsense. Now he wears it ALL the time and if he forgets it he panics that I am going to freak on him.

I also think you need to do some sleuthing. Those butt scratches are a huge red flag.


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## bellamaxjoy

My husband had an EA for probably about a year, before I started to realize it. One of the things he did was take off his ring and "forget" it. He also was texting alot, and instead of on his laptop down stairs was on his computer upstairs, and would change screens when I came in the room. He turned 51 and was also having plumbing problems: we got cialis and he could do it. NOW, after telling you all this, it does sound like your man is at least getting his ego stroked by another woman, if not an affair, emotional or physical. BUT we fixed it! We are good now, it was a struggle to fix, and is still in process. What happened to him was a mid life crisis. He was looking at some of what he saw as failures and tied me up in that mess, because he felt life had not fulfilled what he thought he should have had/done so far. Of course a new woman listened better, and poor babied him, and he NEVER discussed those things he discussed with her, with me. So I do think yes your husband is having some sort of affair, it may not be sexual yet. And he will not admit it until you have some sort of proof, again please believe me. When I first started reading your story I though it was me, I am 48 my hubs 51. It is the age, no excuse mind you, but it happens so much. Try looking at your husbands computer history, and try to get a look at his phone, if he keeps no old emails and clears the computer and phone history, he is hiding something. Good luck to you 
Sorry one more thing, my husband no longer needs cialis with me anymore, we are doing great. But if he takes cialis, now it is because we both want an extended session and to make sure that he will be "taken care of".


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## Enginerd

CMacadamia said:


> Nobody commented on the cialis and the fact that there have been times he will not take it and there is nothing wrong with his erection. Anyone have experience in this department?
> 
> * He originally said he was having problems with the plumbing and that is why he wasn't being intimate with me.
> * After the umpteenth discussion he finally went to the doctor reluctantly,(I can have some compassion here cause it would be uncomfortable for him), and got a perscription for cialis.
> *The lack of sex didn't improve, the actions that he displays leave me feeling that he has sex with me out of pity and only to appease me after I am truthful about how I feel rejected. No cuddling, talking, touching and he will most times physicall push me away if I get affectionate with him (sit on his lap, kiss him, try to cuddle etc) One time we had sex and he hadn't taken a pill and there was nothing wrong with his erection. How does that happen if a man has erectile dyfunction?! Were the cialis pills just a ploy to provide an ongoing excuse to avoid intimacy? By the way he has full medical coverage so the pills cost us $0.


The thing no really talks about is why Cialis and Viagra are so successful in the marketplace. There really aren't that many men around with serious ED. I think the majority of men take it because they are no longer physically attracted to their wife. Its the big secret that most doctors understand but won't talk about. My friend and I call it a "marital aid".


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## SimplyAmorous

Enginerd said:


> The thing no really talks about is why Cialis and Viagra are so successful in the marketplace. There really aren't that many men around with serious ED. I think the majority of men take it because they are no longer physically attracted to their wife. Its the big secret that most doctors understand but won't talk about. My friend and I call it a "marital aid".


6 causes of ED listed in this link >>> 

More on causes of ED


Signs of cheating and " *Infidelity tests*" (never heard of that before but just stumbled upon it!) ....

Spouse Infidelity Symptoms


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## hurtnohio

The things you mentioned by themselves could have a totally innocent explanation. 

ED is complex and could come and go, based on physical condition and even emotional anxiety. Having him be able to have sex without taking Cialis is not completely alarming.

There might - emphasize MIGHT - be a legitimate reason to stop wearing your wedding ring. I work with a woman who is passionately in love with her husband, yet she doesn't wear a wedding ring because it chafes her finger.

He might be genuinely interested in Jenny as a work colleague and nothing more.

The scratches on his butt ---- OK I'd need to think about that one.

But what concerns me is that they're all happening together. They're adding up to a pattern that might not be good. But I don't think you have quite enough evidence to make any accusations yet.

I'd advise you to keep your concerns to yourself for now (hard though it may be) and dig a little deeper. Your intuition is telling you something is wrong, and there is enough circumstantial evidence to justify looking a little deeper. Just don't confront until you have more evidence.


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## Thor

It sounds suspicious to me. The only way to know is to either gather information via spy technology (keylogger, voice activated recorder, etc), or for him to confess.

As to the plumbing, that can be a real thing. The drugs only make the chemicals available, they don't cause the erection btw. Testosterone is a big player, and in the morning his testosterone will be higher. So he might have a good erection in the morning but not be able to perform at night. Or if he goes to the gym his T may spike and he does ok performing soon after. The other thing is if he gets really turned on he might perform ok without the drugs but in other situations he needs the drugs. So I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he was making excuses when he said he had plumbing problems.

BTW, I want your prescription coverage! I need a little boost in that department these days and it costs a lot. 

You have the right to a good relationship and a happy marriage. If he will not get on board with building it better, you should not stick around forever. Give him a fair chance and give it a go, but if he doesn't show real motivation and some hard work, you can feel secure knowing you did everything possible and he chose not to participate. So you can leave with a clear conscience.


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## ocotillo

If you decide to gather information surreptitiously, (e.g. surveillance software and recording devices) be sure to talk to an attorney familiar with the laws in your state first.

There is a widespread internet notion that the legality of these methods hinges on property law. (i.e. If you either own or co-own the computer or phone)

That is completely untrue and anyone who tells you otherwise, does not know what they're talking about.


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## strugglinghusband

What does your gut tell you? not the emotions, but deep down... 99.999% of the time, its spot on.


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## waiwera

Most importantly...do YOU think your H is cheating?

Although i think you've already answered that.

If your 'gut' is telling you all this... I be amazed if he wasn't.
Way toooooo many red flags...well great big huge banners really.

Sorry your going through this...it sucks!

Are you going to go on the trip?? How long is it for?


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## okeydokie

"I did resort to leaving him for 7 months but came back."

why did you leave for 7 months? what made you come back?


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## CMacadamia

I left because I just couldn't take the rejection any longer. I had been trying and trying for a few years to do what I could to make the relationship better. I am very open with my feelings and let him know how much I appreciate and desire him. I just hoped that if I left it would be a wake up call. Things did get ok for a short period of time but unfortunately we are now on the wrong track again. I went back becuase I missed my home, my pets(couldn't have them in the condo I was leasing) and the short term lease I had on the furnished condo ran out.


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## heavensangel

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I totally agree with the others on the 'missing' wedding ring thing; that's really not a good sign. 

If I was going on this trip, I'd do whatever I had to, to not leave his side for a moment. See if you can get a copy of the itinerary (ie schedule of meetings, meals, etc., etc) This may help you if they try to come up with a 'bogus meeting' in an effort to get away. I'm thinking, with this 'friend' they've mentioned - they're trying to link you with them to keep you busy while they're off doing the 'dirty'. Just keep your eyes open.......if it feels/looks wrong; it usually is!!!


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## memyselfandi

I've been there...and I can't say anything good about this. The excuse for not wearing his wedding ring?? Yeah right!! The scratches on his rear...??

I'm soo sorry you have to go through this as again..I've been there. Some men are kinda jerks and I'm sorry your husband might be one of them.

Hang in there sweetie...you deserve soo much better!!!!


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## Goldmember357

yes i am so sorry for you that you have to deal with a liar and a terrible person.

My best wishes to you hopefully you can find someone better 

For every man out there that is willing to hurt, talk down to a woman or cheat or all of the above. There are men that are willing to be honest caring, loving, whisper in her ear and make love to her and go to the ends of the earth for his woman.

Do you not deserve more or do you deserve this or do you deserve less? 

that is what you must ask yourself.

Best of luck


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## Hopefull363

If I were in your shoes I would:
1. Install key logger and var as mentioned before
2. Look into the 180 to help you build a life for yourself if you find something on #1. If you don't find something on #1 doing the 180 can make yourself more interesting to him.

Good luck to you. Wishing you well.


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## gingerbell

CMacadamia said:


> Hoping someone will be able to offer up some advise because I am not sure I am able to look objectively at my situation. I think my husband may be having an affair. We are mid life, he 52 me 48 and I just don't know what to do about our marraige anymore, I am very frustrated. We have been married for 22 years and 5 - 6 years ago things really started to change for the negative. I started to openly communicate my concerns with him about 3 yrs ago when it was apparent that this wasn's just a a blah phase of our marraige. So I will now outline what has been going on and see what you may think...
> * About 5-6 yrs ago he stopped physical and emotional intimacey with me
> * Around that time he stopped wearing his wedding ring.
> * I got verbal about it about 3 yrs ago and voiced my concerns and my desire that we work on our relationship.
> * After every conversation (and there have been many) he will make an effort but it is never lasting
> * He originally said he was having problems with the plumbing and that is why he wasn't being intimate with me.
> * After the umpteenth discussion he finally went to the doctor reluctantly,(I can have some compassion here cause it would be uncomfortable for him), and got a perscription for cialis.
> *The lack of sex didn't improve, the actions that he displays leave me feeling that he has sex with me out of pity and only to appease me after I am truthful about how I feel rejected. No cuddling, talking, touching and he will most times physicall push me away if I get affectionate with him (sit on his lap, kiss him, try to cuddle etc) One time we had sex and he hadn't taken a pill and there was nothing wrong with his erection. How does that happen if a man has erectile dyfunction?! Were the cialis pills just a ploy to provide an ongoing excuse to avoid intimacy? By the way he has full medical coverage so the pills cost us $0.
> * A year ago I noticed scratches on his bum when he was getting dressed, when I asked how they happened he pulled his clothes on and quickly left the room and got quote agressive with me when I asked how that happened. To this day he has never given me an explanation.
> * It recently got to a point that I left him with the responsibility of arranging and setting up marraige counselling. He promised me that he called and left a message but it is now 6 weeks later and the couselor hasn't returned the phone call. I think he is lying and didn't even make the call.
> *I have outright asked him if he was/is having and affair but he denies it.
> I could give many more signs but I think this is enough of a start of you to get the gyst.


He is cheating....


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## KJ5000

It's very possible that he is NOT having an affair but his interest in you is all but gone. Almost as bad as if he did step out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Its an affair, check his phone bill for texting and one number being called a lot.


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## HopeFloats59

I'm very sorry to hear about your experience, very sad that you have to go through this. I can only answer as to what I would feel if I were in your shoes, and I think you've described some pretty serious red flags. If I were you, I would start investigating seriously, I'm surprised you've accepted this behavior for so long without taking investigative action, I wouldn't have been able to handle that for all those years. Normally I wouldn't condone going through someone's things, but it seems that you have enough of the red flags. I would do the keylogger, check phones and phone bills and texts without him knowing. Either that or you can maybe hire a PI. The unexplained scratches and the taking off the ring along with the woman you mentioned all would be too much for me not to act. 

Hopefully you get some answers soon, wish you the best of luck~


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