# Need help with my girlfriend



## hollowed456 (Jan 4, 2012)

I realize this is a marriage site and although I am now divorced and seeing someone hope it's ok to post here.

I've been with this girl for a few months now. We've had our ups and downs. She is one who's never taken any downtime between relationships so I believe some of our relationship has been damaged from her still suffering from her last relationship which from what she has told me was a completely miserable thing. She is prone to second guessing and pretty flirty. 

One day we will be talking about getting a house together and then a couple days later she's rethinking our whole relationship. Her family loves me. Her kids have actually told me they think of me as their father and I adore them as well. It's just my girlfriend..she's I dunno what's wrong with her honestly. 

One of the issues she says is that she's very outgoing and passionate and easy to anger. Which she does get mad pretty easy. She says I'm very laid back and calm and come at things from a more logical angle. Which I do. I've learned over the years that I can get more accomplished if I think about something before I react. She says she needs a more dominant and aggressive male for a partner. She says she needs to feel inspired. Which even she has said that since meeting me she has started being able to choreograph again which has been something she hasn't been able to do in awhile. To me that sounds like she is inspired. 

I sat her down last night actually and informed her that I'm not comfortable with her being flirty. She says she doesn't see anything wrong with being flirty it's just the intent that matters. I informed her that I feel it's a respect thing and being flirty is not fair to me or our relationship. 

She's a belly dancer and she meets a lot of people. Some of them find her on facebook and adds her. She will get to talking to them and be very flirty even with the ones she doesn't actually know. 

So at the moment she's back on one of her kicks of not sure if were compatible long term or not but as we talked about last night with all our differences we can't see that us making it this long has been by accident either. I don't want to walk away from this yet without knowing that we did everything we could especially with the girls involved who we are very attached to each other. I just don't know what to do. any help?


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

If you're not okay with her being flirty then it's not okay. Intent is intent, but she's doing something you're uncomfortable with and doing it knwoing you're not okay with is is not okay for you two.

She actually sounds pretty damaged, like she's dependant on others to maker her happy. I havea friend like that, who as son as she thnks her relationship is going south, will scope out another boy so she's never alone. I can tell you where that's leading.. 

It's too bad kids are involved.. It sounds like they've become attached to you. 

Have you suggested counselling (individual for her, and also as a couple) ? I don't think i'd write off the relationship QUITE yet, but at the same time, she might be playing you to see if you'll actually stay ( by telling you she's not sure if you're compatible)... TBH. I'd tell her you're looking for a stable, long term, honest relationship and that you're prepared to put the work in. Let her know if she's not sure, she'd better be doing some soul searching pretty damn quick.

Just a side note, which probably should have been the focus of my post, lol, does it sound like her flirting with others could or is an EA? (emotional affair) If yes, probably time to get out asap.


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## hollowed456 (Jan 4, 2012)

I informed her that it's not okay with me. That the flirtiness I feel is disrespectful. She said (and I should have added this and spaced it) that she feels that she doesn't mean to flirt it just comes out. She said she spent so much time feeling unattractive that feeling attractive again is bringing out some things that comes natural to her. 

Me and the girls are really attached to each other. That's part of what hurts about the back and forth with her. She even says I'm a great father figure to the girls. I do what most guys have not done which is actually take time and get to know them as people. Last night her oldest (13). She's very sensitive to when there's a bit of turmoil going on and will come and ask me if things are okay with me and her mom. I generally will tell her everythings ok and try to reassure her. Well last night was one of those such nights and she mentioned how her mom has had more than 8 boyfriends since the divorce 6 years ago. My girlfriend says she wants a relationship to grow. She's used to it being completely passionate or completely aggressive and to be in that between zone where things are calm,nice and enjoyable she doesn't know what to do or how to react. She also says I'm completely different from anyone she's ever dated before. She said she's used to people who take advantage or are complete jerks. She says dating someone who is calm and spirited in a good way is strange to her. 

That's kind of what I was thinking too. She mentioned the other day that she wonders if I may be the type who has to be able to make my partner happy in order to be happy myself but I feel it's more of her projecting that onto me what she's actually feeling. My natural personality is more of happy and go lucky. 

I have actually mentioned counseling before. She says she's had counseling and the doctors have said she is bipolar but she feels they are idiots and western medicine is a joke and declines any kind of help in that sense. 

The flirting. I honestly really can't say. Some of what I have seen is kind of sketchy to me but at the same time she will also counsel them some on their past relationships. So can it turn into an EA? I really don't know.

I'm really not sure how to be more of the dominate one in the relationship with a dominate woman but I think that may be something I really need to figure out to put a stop to some of this. Which is something I would like to do be a little more dominate but not in a way that I come off as controlling or an a-hole if that makes any sense.


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## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

Bro if i am at your place i will ask the same situation question but try to communicate to her as much you said she is a belly dancer right is this her profession? being flirty on fb...!!!! sounds kinda weird to me


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## hollowed456 (Jan 4, 2012)

I told her last night I am completely dedicated to this relationship and would like to see it grow. 

Belly dancing is a hobby to some extent. She's been in dancing since she was really young. She was classically trained and her mother used to put her into shows all the time. She says as a child she was more or less a show pony and some of that still plays into her day to day life. Her grandmother was a belly dancer and between her grandmother and another instructor she had later on in years she found her love for belly dancing. She has a good career in a different field as her actual profession. 

That's what iI think too. As she told me last night a lot of the people have either seen her at shows and came across her FB page, friends of friends or just see she lives in the same area and will friend and start talking to her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Proceed with caution.

You have TWO major fundamental differences here: 1. she is unsure of your relationship. She's in, she's out, she's hot, she's cold, she's flighty. You mentioned in your post how she wasn't/isn't over her last relationship. It's always a bad idea to get involved with anyone who isn't over their last relationship. Because that means they are emotionally unavailable. Also, she is telling you repeatedly that she is "unsure" of your relationship. That is all you need to know, IMO. 

2. She flirts. To the point where it upsets you. You brought this to her attention and she told you flat-out she sees nothing wrong with it. You cannot change people. At all. Ever.

You also mentioned a "quick to anger" problem and that to me is also a red flag. When you are only a few months into dating, thins are supposed to be googly-eyed and smooth sailing. The fact that she is angry and flight is not a good sign for you, unless you like drama. 

My advice is to listen to her when she tells you she's unsure of the relationship and accept it. Sometimes we want something (or someone) to be something they are not. Once you have been provided with the truth and continue to ignore it, then you need to look inward and see why you are doing that. 

My advice: talk to her about how you feel and tell her if she doesn't know where you guys stand, then it is best you cool things off for now until you are both (or if you are ever) on the same page.

Life is short. Don't spend it chasing after someone who keeps running to and then away from you. Over and over.


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## hollowed456 (Jan 4, 2012)

I'm trying to be cautious about this. I think a big problem with as far as myself goes and not just walking away from this is the kids including the factor that I do care a great deal for my girlfriend. I feel a certain amount of responsibility to them as well for this to work out. When she's not cycling things are really good (meaning when she's not doing her second guessing). She even says it's amazing then. At the time we got together I was under the impression that the last relationship was long over and she had dealt with it and was ok to proceed into another relationship.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You've given your heart to a woman who is not making you a priority in her life. I know that it is so hard to detach from someone when you love their children, but this woman does not sound like a good match for you.

Keep looking, and when you find someone who is right for you, you will know it and not have so many doubts about the relationship.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She clearly states that she is not willing to compromise and angers easily..... Run...

Seriously, find someone who appreciates you for who you are. My husband is a very nice guy! He does everything for me, including putting my needs before his. I see that now and I give him what he needs. So here we are now, doing more and more for each other. We are best of friends, we compromise, we don't flirt with anyone other then ourselves, we are very affenionate towards one another and we never have had an argument in the last 13 years(married 12).

My husband and I are very compatible and I could not imagine life without him. We have been compromising easily since the day we met. We are both easy going, he's a bit more easy going then I, he never gets angry about anything, well not in front of me anyways.

You've only known this girl for a few months and your questioning your relationship. This is not a good sign. I'd move on and find a calmer woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Red flags everywhere. She needs way too much attention from strange men and she flip flops on your relationship. Telling you that she needs a more dominant and agressive man is code for " I like to be treated like ****e" You're way too nice. She's damaged goods. Run for your life bro.

Peace


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Why after getting divorced, would you want to invite all that relationship drama into your life?

The love, hate thing would be enough to end it for me. The flirting thing, do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life? It's only going to get worse...


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## hollowed456 (Jan 4, 2012)

COguy said:


> Why after getting divorced, would you want to invite all that relationship drama into your life?
> 
> The love, hate thing would be enough to end it for me. The flirting thing, do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life? It's only going to get worse...


I've wondered that a few times myself to be honest. I guess it comes down to this savior mentality of sorts. It's like people with problems are drawn to me and then I feel this huge need to fix things. When we met I really had no clue until several months in that she had this many issues. Then when me and the kids got attached to each other I feel a certain amount of responsibility to them as well as to her.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

hollowed456 said:


> I've wondered that a few times myself to be honest. I guess it comes down to this savior mentality of sorts. It's like people with problems are drawn to me and then I feel this huge need to fix things. When we met I really had no clue until several months in that she had this many issues. Then when me and the kids got attached to each other I feel a certain amount of responsibility to them as well as to her.


That's noble, and something I realized I do myself (took my wife cheating on me to figure out unfortunately).

It's also a recipe for disaster. Take some time to figure it out now, alone, before you commit your life to her. I know it feels that way, but you are under no obligation to keep this woman afloat. It's not healthy for a relationship for anyone to be dependent on you in that matter anyway. A good relationship is built on give and take, mutual satisfaction, shared commitment and responsibility.

At the end of the day, if you don't change the way you think about yourself and your relationships, don't expect different results.

There's other girls in the sea. You deserve to be in a relationship where there's a healthy give and take. Where you aren't solely depended upon to survive. Watch "Swingers" if you have to. Go live it up, don't settle for the drama because you feel guilty for the well being of some other person who doesn't know how to treat you right. You are in an amazing position that you found all this out before you got married.

You are addicted to the feeling of being needed, break that addiction before you get in this position in a future relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> She clearly states that she is not willing to compromise and angers easily..... Run...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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