# We broke up :(



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I havnt been here in over a year I dont know if anyone remembers me anymore. But I had to break up with the first man I have ever loved. I tried to take it back and we were basically back together for 2 months but then night before last he told me he doesnt want to share a bed with me anymore. Even though I have many very valid reasons that he is holding me to of why our relationship is over, I am still absolutely devastated by him not wanting to work it out. Why, if I can rationalize it so well of why hes not the man for me, why does it feels like my body is breaking from the inside out. Like, actual physical pain from the sadness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. It seems that you know this is the best thing for you, but it hurts. It's pretty normal. It's why so many people stay in bad relationships for far too long.

Look at the 180 in my signature block below. Interact with him according to the 180 from here on out. It will help you separate emotionally from him quicker and heal faster.

You need to start doing things to make yourself feel better. That's where your focus needs to be.

Are you still living with him?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

He didnt betray me, its just, things didnt work out I guess to make a long story short. He is still living at my property but I am back at my moms now. I was never able to afford to finish out the barn and move my animals over and he never had the $$ to pitch in on it like he said he would, so I was never able to really live there at my land, with him. Just stay the night but wasnt there much during the day because I work and on days off had to play catch up at the barn wtih pen cleaning and general animal care. I was still spending the night there up until monday night though, when he told me he doesnt want to share a bed with me anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you think that the 180 is only for if he cheated? It's not. While a know it says that it's for a betrayed spouse, most of it is very good for a situation where you need to break your attachment to someone when the relationship ends but they are still around and your either still see them sometimes or you still live in the same house with them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I havnt been here in over a year I dont know if anyone remembers me anymore. But I had to break up with the first man I have ever loved. I tried to take it back and we were basically back together for 2 months but then night before last he told me he doesnt want to share a bed with me anymore. Even though I have many very valid reasons that he is holding me to of why our relationship is over, I am still absolutely devastated by him not wanting to work it out. Why, if I can rationalize it so well of why hes not the man for me, why does it feels like my body is breaking from the inside out. Like, actual physical pain from the sadness.


It is perfectly normal to feel like this after a break up, you just have to go through the pain but you will come through it and have learned alot from it for your next relationship.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

He doesn't want to 'share a bed with you anymore' yet he has no qualms about living in YOUR home while you stay at your mom's?

What - are you running a hotel over there?

Kick his ass out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It hurts because your brain knows he's not for you but your heart is fighting you. 

Listen to your brain.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Hes still living there because we have a crop together that wont be harvested until october. I am not heartless, I am not going to go back on my word that we are splitting the crop. I am letting him stay to tend it, because if I made him leave and somethign went wrong with it, he would blame me and I would rahter not deal with that sort of drama. I know I am too nice and a pushover, but its just easier this way despite how incredibly not easy it is. 

Its like, I was unhappy before, now I am realy, really super unhappy. Ugh. Luckily I have had the last half a week off work, I go back tomorrow and then have some days off again. So I dont have to function the basics of my farm work right now. I have spent most of my days off, in bed.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Elegirl Ok, I know I need to do some of those anyway. I did not message him last night or this morning. Despite me wanting to SO so so badly. Its just such a hhabit, in the last months of our relationship it was always me reaching out anyway. SO its just so ingrained.

I have quite cocaine cold turkey. I have quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey (that was the hardest one). This feels like 100X harder of an addiction to quit.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, it's an addiction and it hurts like heck to break it. But break it you must. If he doesn't want you in his bed....... It's over. This kind of stuff never improves. I suggest getting interested in something totally different. Another person? Better another hobby, something that requires a lot of time and mental focus. Wean yourself away from the relationship and get yourself in a state of mind that you're ready for another relationship with the right person.
This one sounds like it's reached the end. Hard to accept but the more no contact you go, the longer you keep it up........ First thing you know, someone else comes along and the old boy will be forgotten.... I thought it was easier for women as a whole. Apparently not for all women......
Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Hes still living there because we have a crop together that wont be harvested until october. I am not heartless, I am not going to go back on my word that we are splitting the crop. I am letting him stay to tend it, because if I made him leave and somethign went wrong with it, he would blame me and I would rahter not deal with that sort of drama. I know I am too nice and a pushover, but its just easier this way despite how incredibly not easy it is.
> 
> Its like, I was unhappy before, now I am realy, really super unhappy. Ugh. Luckily I have had the last half a week off work, I go back tomorrow and then have some days off again. So I dont have to function the basics of my farm work right now. I have spent most of my days off, in bed.


That's eight weeks or so.

We'll be here to support you during that time and after it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Look, you know this is not for you, just that your head can't make your heart understand. The heart wants what it wants. Read the 180, it will help you emotionally detach. It works in a great number of situations, break-ups are just one. Take care of yourself.


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## bajaherbie (May 20, 2017)

I hope he doesnt steal your half of the weed!

Sent from my SM-G920R4 using Tapatalk


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you Matt Matt

bajaherbie I am not worried about that. We've been together too long for that kind of BS. And if he does, so be it nothign I can do if thats who he decides he is in the end.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Hes still living there because we have a crop together that wont be harvested until october. I am not heartless, I am not going to go back on my word that we are splitting the crop. I am letting him stay to tend it, because if I made him leave and somethign went wrong with it, he would blame me and I would rahter not deal with that sort of drama. I know I am too nice and a pushover, but its just easier this way despite how incredibly not easy it is.
> 
> Its like, I was unhappy before, now I am realy, really super unhappy. Ugh. Luckily I have had the last half a week off work, I go back tomorrow and then have some days off again. So I dont have to function the basics of my farm work right now. I have spent most of my days off, in bed.


Keeping your word about a promise is fine. If you just stick to business about it hopefully you can harvest it amicably when the time comes, which will be soon anyway. 

Definitely do things that keep you in good spirits. I lived with my ex H 5 months too long before leaving (because I needed to save money and was living out of my native country with no family near me). I was crying every day but actually, looking back, I did a lot more with friends, explored parts of the country I'd never been to yet but always thought of visiting, and had a pretty good 5 months, even if I'd have preferred to leave sooner. 

Just keep your goals a priority and don't allow drama and stress into your life if you have any influence there.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Man its been so rough, I miss his big body next to mine, terribly. Ugh.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

He said something to me yesterday that I have been rolling around in my head. He said "Pretty much the only thing we had in common was getting high and f*cking." It was so hard to hear because hes right, I know hes had much truer loves, real loves so much different than what him and I had together, and that breaks my heart for me because he is the closest thing to love I have ever had. Here I am at 35, been putting EVERYTHING I have into a relationship thinking its love, when I guess really all we had was getting high and getting it on. Thats not love, thats so far from love and yet, its the closest thing I have had, that I even think/though that is actually love. He was also clearly right when he told me I have no idea what love is and how to love. I wonder, was I then really actaully a waste of his time like he said? I thought he had helped me, saved me from myself destructive ways, but maybe I was just feeding them with him. Ugh, I feel it could be so easy to just slip back into my old ways. I dont know my head is all messed up again right now.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I had to grab some more stuff of mine from there and it looked like there had been 2 people in the bed the night before. I asked, he said yes, he'd had a chick spend the night. OUCH. Damn. Glad he got over me so quickly. I am beginning to really question if he ever loved me. Its been 6 days since we were last together  

I am so, so far from where I thought I was.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

Sorry to hear of your troubles, take care...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> He said something to me yesterday that I have been rolling around in my head. He said "Pretty much the only thing we had in common was getting high and f*cking." It was so hard to hear because hes right, I know hes had much truer loves, real loves so much different than what him and I had together, and that breaks my heart for me because he is the closest thing to love I have ever had. Here I am at 35, been putting EVERYTHING I have into a relationship thinking its love, when I guess really all we had was getting high and getting it on. Thats not love, thats so far from love and yet, its the closest thing I have had, that I even think/though that is actually love. He was also clearly right when he told me I have no idea what love is and how to love. I wonder, was I then really actaully a waste of his time like he said? *I thought he had helped me, saved me from myself destructive ways, but maybe I was just feeding them with him.* Ugh, I feel it could be so easy to just slip back into my old ways. I dont know my head is all messed up again right now.


That's the problem. No man should be "saving" you. You should be saving you first before a man even enters your life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I had to grab some more stuff of mine from there and it looked like there had been 2 people in the bed the night before. I asked, he said yes, he'd had a chick spend the night. OUCH. Damn. Glad he got over me so quickly. I am beginning to really question if he ever loved me. Its been 6 days since we were last together
> 
> I am so, so far from where I thought I was.


No surprise to me, I'm sorry to say hun. He's not Mr. Right. He was Mr. Right Now. 

Learn from the experience and move forward.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He isn't what you thought he was.

He probably isn't what HE thought he was.

Would counselling help you?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Well, thats really true mattmatt. I know he is for sure not who he said he would be, and I am sure he knows it too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Man its been so rough, I miss his big body next to mine, terribly. Ugh.


Wash the sheets, dry clean the coverlet. Remove his scent.
Remove everything in that room that reminds You of Him.

As long as he is in your head.................he is still in your bed.

The feelings will remain 'close', strong,... right up to the time of the crops being harvested, shipped out.
The feelings for him will remain as long as his big body blocks your vision, your sunlight..
He needs to be harvested and taken to market with the pumpkins.
Ask him to leave *after harvest time*. Give him thirty days.

He asked you not to share his bed.....because he knows he does not want you. Does not want to give you hope.

And he knows if he shares his bed with you, he too will find it harder to detach. He may have a new love. He does not want to 'cheat' on her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Satya said:


> That's the problem. No man should be "saving" you. You should be saving you first before a man even enters your life.


Yep. I would suggest you start with figuring out WHY at age 35 you still insist on getting high all the time. Isnt it time to outgrew that? I was surprised at your age, in reading your posts, I had thought you were much younger. Being a higher quality you will bring a higher quality man into your life.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Its been 2 weeks now and I think its starting to feel a little better but I am having a rough moment and I am sick of dumping the same **** on my friends so am trying to spare them tonight. He gave me 2 dogs during our relationship. I brought them home with me a couple of days ago and its been a difficult adjustment. I had to have him dog sit them today for a bit, and will again when I go back to work for at least the first week. It was easier to see him, but still difficult. It didnt ruin my day or anything so I was feeling a lot better about things. Until about an hour ago when I texting with him and asked him what he was doing and he said he was playing pool at a bar. Only one person he would be at the bar with tonight and its thrown me into a total anxiety attach because tonight, the situation is set up perfectly for them to get it on for the first time and its just really getting to me right now. I know its not anything I am even supposed to care about right now, and nothing that I have any bit of control over and is absolutley nothing I should concern myself with even! And yet, here I am, full blown anxiety attack over what he might do. Just because its only been two weeks since we last slept together, I broke up wtih him almost 3 months ago now. I just need to vent about this!


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

What really gets my jealousy up, and I am just being honest here because why not its anonymous anyways, is that shes so much younger, and So much prettier than me. Shes also so much more like him and I know he has a lot more fun with her. That bothers me too for some childish reason lol. I also know hes not really having a lot of fun in life right now. He is still really hurting and suffering and his whole life has been turned upside down and hes just trying to feel OK and have some distraction and relief I know. I feel the same way. I also know I should be stoked for him, even if they dont get it on tonight, that hes had some gorgeous, younger hottie hanging out with him so much. Its lonely out at my property all alone. It really is. At the same time I feel like I should go find a new man to hang out wtih, but then I think "Its only been 2 weeks since I gave myself to him for the last time" and it feels like its much too soon.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

IBHFA, I think you have to stop thinking about getting into other relationships. You sound very co-dependent, a man will not make you happy, they might add something to your life but happiness should come from within. You need to see a therapist and get yourself together first before you can have a solid relationship. Learn to have a relationship with yourself first.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Earlier in this thread I asked why the hell you were letting this idiot stay at YOUR house while you had moved into your mother's place. You defended that* ridiculous* decision by claiming you'd told him he could stay there because he needs to be there in order to tend your shared 'crop.'

The disrespectful piece of **** is there for ONE reason - to tend the crops. But here he is taking advantage of the situation (golly, what a shocker) and bringing his bimbos to YOUR house and YOUR bed to have sex with .

And you STILL don't kick his using ass out and instead, continue clinging to him like grim death.

Stop making ridiculous excuses to hang onto this loser any way you can by disrespecting yourself AND your home. Mr. Wonderful can 'tend your weed' without having to live in your house. Yes, it's *actually possible *that he could live up the road and STILL manage to make his way down to your place every day to spend a few hours doing whatever is IS one does with a pot crop.

Find your self respect, for God's sake.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You really need to detach. His choice in women isn't your business any longer. The jealousy will only hamper your own healing process.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am sorry. It does hurt and sure do understand. I don't know if this helps but one thing I tell myself is that a person does not break up with you if they want to be with you and if they do not want to be with you then you need not to be with them. Easier said, right? It is a process....let your heart break, be patient with yourself, cry the tears. Realize he did you a favor and life will go on. I just went thru a break up too so I truly understand your hurt.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Maybe getting high impairs your judgment.

Does he have a place to go after the crop is harvested? Have you asked when he is going to leave? At least have a dead line end of october?

Is this crop grown legaly ?

I don't understand why he can't live someware else and comute to tend the crop. 

I would sugest quiting the pot and clearing your mind. 

So he was going to help with the barn but never has the cash so hes not keeping up his end but you bend over backwards tp keep your end of the bargin. Now he get to stay at your house bringing his new squeeze to bang in your bed.


Sorry but I would harvest itmyself while he was out with his new women or just spray the whole crop with round up and then kick him the f out.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I just need to remember the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place, then I get all mad though and I want to like, pick at him, and obviously no good comes from that LOL. I hate him and the I am all jealous and hurt over pretty much nothing anyway and its all so beyond unhealthy I know. why do I let him stay at my property even though its the WORST thing for me, for our breakup and any salvaging any bit of friendship, is because, its just so much easier dealing with him if I were to try to get him to leave earlier. 

I know I am not ready for a new relationshop right now, but I need to do something to break my crazy addiction to him. It is getting better, I am not quite as bad as I was, time will help but this is just such a messed up situation I creataed for myeslf. If I had just waited a few months to break up wtih him, I would still be pretending everything was good between us and I things would have been able to be over with much more cleanly and smoothly and clearly. Doing it how I did has been the WORST way possible!


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