# The curse of over-thinking leads to indecisiveness



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person with a good head on her shoulders. I am also rather resourceful and will find a way to accomplish pretty much whatever I set my mind to...

The problem for me is, I over think things. I over analyze, scrutinize, and can't stop thinking about all of the millions of combinations of "if this...then that...". It's like trying to put a puzzle together when you don't have any idea what the final picture is supposed to look like. Paralysis by over-thinking.

If you've read any of my other threads, you know that I'm in a terrible state of indecisiveness about my marriage. What's more troublesome is that I don't feel free to talk to my husband about what's going on in my head. He's difficult to talk to about feelings/emotions. I've been to 2 counseling sessions on my own now, and so far the picture isn't much clearer. 

As I was coming home from work today, I became aware the my body was starting to show physical signs of stress the closer I get to home. My stomach felt heavy, my shoulder muscles were tensing, I started breathing a little heavier. My husband isn't physically abusive, so it's not as if I was anticipating harm. 

On the flip side, last weekend my husband decided to take a nap, so I told him I'd go get groceries while he rested. As I pulled out of the driveway, I found myself breathing deeply and letting out a big sigh, as in a sigh of relief. My shoulders felt more relaxed. 

Being around my husband seems to make me anxious and nervous, and I'm generally a pretty laid-back kind of person. He has a nervous and negative energy about him that radiates and affects me as well. Even if he's being reasonably nice to me, he carries a negative energy that is uncomfortable to be around. I know that may sound hokey, but it's real to me. 

So, getting back to the trying not to over-think part of this...if I take out all logic and emotion and thinking, and just really FEEL how I feel around my husband, I don't feel warmth, comfort, or peace. Even when he tries to ask me how my day was or show some interest in me, it feels forced and superficial. This feeling I have contended with for many, many years. I feel as if this constant feeling of uneasiness is really beginning to make me feel depressed. 

If any of this makes any sense, I'd really like to hear any comments or thoughts you all might have.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

I know the feeling - I have at least one glass of wine before mine comes home - that calms me down. It will wear you down and make you bitter. Get out


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I know this feeling. It sucks. I feel it every friday evening when I'm heading home. I've once sat on the sidewalk for an hour or two in a cold sweat, dreading walking into the house. It sucks.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Here's what our marriage seems like to me: you know how it feels when you run into a former acquaintance of yours unexpectedly? Like a former co-worker that you didn't get along with that well or a gf/bf from the past who you were happy to pretend didn't exist anymore? You stand there awkwardly and say hi and ask them what they're up to and blah blah blah, but in your mind you're thinking "oh god, when will this conversation end?" That's how I feel around my husband. Even when he's trying to be nice and conversational (he isn't always), all I can think about is how I can physically get away from his presence. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way about my husband.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I could have written this. I know the "paralysis of over-thinking" and I think your husband sounds a lot like mine! I, too, have noticed physical tension and apprehension when I know I am going to be near him soon... (Weekends when he doesn't work are the worst!!)

He too, puts off a very intense, negative vibe. I soak it up like a sponge and I hate it!!!

I've been told my "over-thinking" could be due to a number of factors. It could be PTSD. Could be just the "way I am", could be ADHD. Could be so many things... Regardless, the one side effect I have noticed from over-thinking is lots and lots and lots of anxiety. Not fun. :/ I read somewhere once that 90% of the anxiety and pain you feel about a situation is created by... YOU! Not that the information really helps much, but it is true... Thinking, over-thinking, generates a lot of that stress and tension you feel.

My therapist gave me a guided meditation to try and use. To basically imagine yourself as a tree. Firmly grounded, your legs are the roots, your torso is the trunk and your arms and head are the branches and whatnot. Supposed to envision a stressful trigger or situation as a passing storm - you stand firm throughout.

It feels awfully dumb typing that out... But it takes your mind away from your thoughts a little bit and gives you the sensation of solidness.

Wish I had better words of advice here... But I'm pretty much stuck in the indecisiveness as well.

Best of luck to you!! ((HUGS))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Here's what our marriage seems like to me: you know how it feels when you run into a former acquaintance of yours unexpectedly? Like a former co-worker that you didn't get along with that well or a gf/bf from the past who you were happy to pretend didn't exist anymore? You stand there awkwardly and say hi and ask them what they're up to and blah blah blah, but in your mind you're thinking "oh god, when will this conversation end?" That's how I feel around my husband. Even when he's trying to be nice and conversational (he isn't always), all I can think about is how I can physically get away from his presence. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way about my husband.


When we have good days which means friendly talking sometimes he would try to reach for me. Few days ago he tried to hug me and I jumped like someone had pour the hot water on me. It was embarrassing for both of us and all I could think was "please go somewhere else" It's like I have this perfect shell I have around me so he can't cause any more pain and touching me is like an attempt to break it


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## jennilynnemaybe (Dec 21, 2012)

Oh my, I could have written this. Are you inside my head?

The feeling is so overwhelming. I understand your pain. My husband seems to be so critical of everyone else and can't carry on a meaningful conversation. It is so frustrating. I only wish I had married a "man".


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm starting to feel the same way about my husband. Everyone at work today was so happy, looking forward to days off and the holidays. I just felt really depressed.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> I consider myself a fairly intelligent person with a good head on her shoulders. I am also rather resourceful and will find a way to accomplish pretty much whatever I set my mind to...
> 
> The problem for me is, I over think things. I over analyze, scrutinize, and can't stop thinking about all of the millions of combinations of "if this...then that...". It's like trying to put a puzzle together when you don't have any idea what the final picture is supposed to look like. Paralysis by over-thinking.
> 
> ...


Trust me. Pay attention to that feeling. You are putting your body somewhere your spirit isn't comfortable. Get to a good place wherever it is where you can get your spirit firmly inside you body, and then clear your mind and you will be able to figure out what it is that is literally making you crawl out of your skin. This is not good. It will lead to bad things physically until and unless you pay attention to it.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

jennilynnemaybe said:


> Oh my, I could have written this. Are you inside my head?
> 
> The feeling is so overwhelming. I understand your pain. My husband seems to be so critical of everyone else and can't carry on a meaningful conversation. It is so frustrating. I only wish I had married a "man".


Promise I'm not inside your head 
Get new man.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> I'm starting to feel the same way about my husband. Everyone at work today was so happy, looking forward to days off and the holidays. I just felt really depressed.


Same here - I'm so happy it falls in the middle of the week so won't combine with Sunday. 2 LONG days at home - I dread it.

I will probably get stoned by most of the posters but I suggest checking the forum on doccool.com. It is an affair forum but I have to admit that people are much more down to earth there. Very friendly community with a lot of marriage talk too.
I'm not saying jump and have an affair ( I did) but have a glimpse of different life, how people cope with their marriages when they hurt too much. Very wise people posting there. It helped me a lot


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I know this too. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world that has these issues, but its looking common on this thread anyway. Why do we stay for so long when we feel like this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kettlebells21 (Feb 7, 2013)

The title hooked me, and the posts caused massive head-nodding. This is exactly where I'm at. I am over-analyzing myself into an early grave. My situation is that I'm ready to tell her it's over (long story, won't go into it here) but I have been constantly and incessantly churning over every possible scenario to the point where I've almost thought I'd better get my ass to a hospital. Not just WHEN to say it (timing, when's a good time, she's got a workout planned that day, and then her favorite show is on that night blah blah blah), but HOW to say it (so should I start with these words? Or no, maybe THESE words? Yes, those words! No, wait, that's no good...how about THESE words!???????), the repercussions (how much is she going to hate me, will her family hate me, will the kids - 22, 19, and 16 - hate me, will I hate myself, who will drive my daughter to and from softball when we only have one car, where will we live, she's going to hate having to get another job, what if I die of loneliness, blah blah blah)........

People I've spoken with have all basically said, "Just rip the band-aid off, there's no way around it, it's gonna hurt and you're just torturing yourself trying to see into the crystal ball of what's going to happen...you just canNOT know these things!"

Clearly the hardest thing I've ever faced........and this constant over-analysis is crushing, and very likely doing permanent damage to my health (mental and physical -- read articles on how stress, sadness, and depression affect the mind and body - scary ****).

So, I hear ya, and I feel for you, and everyone who is going through this nightmare. I hope mine ends soon, but I still have not belief in my strength to open my mouth. It's horrible at home. That 'tensing' you speak of? YES! I can't wait to go crawl into bed at night (have my own room), and to go to work. The worst tims are weekends, especially 3-day weekends -- everyone else is out enjoying and doing, and I'm in panic/anxiety mode trying to figure out things to do by myself outside the home! BRUTAL


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

are you me?
i even role-playing to every possible situations so i wont feel 'unprepared'.

i tend not to believe my feeling. feeling is easily manipulated. logic is not. feel stressed out, get a bar of chocolate. endorphine will do its job, then we feel better. things like that. i never rely on my feeling; at best, it's innacurate :| and i hate innacurate thing to rely upon.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Factor in "it's so close to valentine's day" and you're preeetty close to where I am.

Here comes the band-aid ripper....


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## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

I am in a similar situation. Been married for almost 15 years and have 2 wonderful children (9 and 12). I have felt the way you do for at least 7 years, which is so sad. I stay for the kids -- that may not be right, but it is the only reason. I am the happiest when I am with my children and away from my wife, and feel the worst when she is around. I seem to be playing a big game of charades, faking my happiness. She just sucks all the positive out of life always focusing on the worst case and the negative. Betty White once said that the secret to making it to 90 years old is "stay positive, be positive and surround yourself with positive people". Not that we all don't have our ups and downs, but we must stay positive about life and the hurdles that come our way. My marriage will end, I do believe that. Not sure when, but it will end. My wife can get very angry and verbally abusive -- the next time that happens will be the perfect time for me to say "ENOUGH! It's over".


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