# Contacting the OMW



## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

I've already confronted the OM about the PA/ONS that he had with my wife. Now, I really want to call his wife too...but I'm not sure why? not sure what I hope to gain from doing this? Part of me thinks that who am i to ruin her life too, but part of me wants to make him suffer for what he's done to me and my family.

Any thoughts about why I should/shouldn't do this? What do I really hope or am I simply trying to spread my own misery?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is your wife willing to stop ALL contact with OM? Then no

Does your wife still want to see OM, Then yes


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have read some posts were the spouse is fighting for the marriage but the cheater is not so I read the spouse will bring the affair out in the open to every one, so as to bear witness to the wrong doing.

In may case the W cheating was done and so I found no reason to contact the OM or any one else. (no contact means no contact).


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

The ONLY reason you should expose an affair is if it is still going on, and your spouse refuses to stop. Using it as a form of revenge will have the reverse effect of what you (hopefully) wish: the recovery and growth of your marriage. Using it for revenge or punishment opens the door to the use of retribution between you and your spouse for any imagined or real slight. 

So you have a choice: if this was a ONS, it obviously is not happening again. This means that no exposure is necessary - nor moral. Your choice: act out in anger and do your best to destroy your marriage, or else do what will bring you and your spouse closer, and instead begin to work on the problems in your marriage that helped bring about the choice to cheat.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> The ONLY reason you should expose an affair is if it is still going on, and your spouse refuses to stop. Using it as a form of revenge will have the reverse effect of what you (hopefully) wish: the recovery and growth of your marriage. Using it for revenge or punishment opens the door to the use of retribution between you and your spouse for any imagined or real slight.
> 
> So you have a choice: if this was a ONS, it obviously is not happening again. This means that no exposure is necessary - nor moral. Your choice: act out in anger and do your best to destroy your marriage, or else do what will bring you and your spouse closer, and instead begin to work on the problems in your marriage that helped bring about the choice to cheat.


Amazingly, I actually agree with Tanelornpete on MOST of this. (stranger things have happened) My situation is somewhat different than yours, How2, in that my wife confessed , and made the affair public . The only part Pete is, in my opinion, wrong about is that a betrayed spouse can choose to act out in anger, or not. The rage must have an outlet, like any other emotions, for the mental health of the BS. To keep the hurt and anger/ sense of injustice, bottled up inside, will hurt the chances of recovery.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Absolutely tell her. Why? Because she will control him from chasing your wife. Unless she kicks him out. But I would wager that he will throw your wife under the bus.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I contacted the husband of the OW but that did not help me at all really. He had already suspected an affair and their marriage was in trouble for years. His wife completely refused to work on the marriage. She was one of those that would say: "No I don't need counselling, you do". At the recommendation of my lawyer I did not meet the husband of the OW until my divorce was final. I did meet him this past Monday and finally showed him the proof I have gathered. I also wanted to find out more about his wife, what kind of a person she was, what she liked, disliked. This was mostly for my own information because I got no answers from my husband to really tell me what caused him to have an affair. Heck he still denies it to this day. And everytime I would mention something about the affair during these last 6-7 months he would just not say anything, absolutely nothing. You would think if someone made false accusations about yourself you would stand up and say something in your own defence.

But I would say definitely contact the OW/M. Many times when both WS are busted they return to work on the marriage. But of course every situation is different but all in all I think it is a good idea to contact the spouse of the OM/W


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I contacted the OW husband during the exposure process. I did it to ensure that she would have her husband to help prevent the affair from continuing. She was the one who reached out to my husband and I have since come to believe my husband when he says he did not "invite" the OW to our 4th of July BBQ. But, at the time when I contacted her husband I didn't know that. I just needed to do everything I could to ensure the affair ended and didn't start up again.

I will also say this, I have never once talked to the OW. I didn't talk to her when she was hanging on my husband at our 4th of July BBQ. I didn't talk to her when I became fully aware of the affair and the extent of it. I still have no desire to talk to her. I'd probably say some pretty vicious things to her if I was to talk to her.

I will also say this. If my husband was to have another affair, I would hope that people would be kind enough to step up and tell me about it. I would never want to be left in the dark about something like that.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

My husband's OW's husband called me and told me about the affair, I'm glad he did, I at least could put together my plan for my marriage, knowledge is power.
I think everyone has the right to know all the facts about their lives so they can decide themselves what the plan will be.....
It is painful to hear but I'm glad he told me............


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jessi makes a good point, I stand corrected if there an OMW or OWH then contact makes sense.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks for the input everyone. For now, I'm choosing NOT to contact the OMW. I do believe that there is nothing ongoing with my wife and the OM currently, so I'm going to focus my energy on dealing with my own issues and trying to take the steps towards recovery. I'm gonna keep their numbers handy and if I'm wrong about any continuing contact, I can call her at that point..for now, I'll just keep this in my pocket.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Don't do it. I contacted the OMW and shiz came out that I didn't need to know about. Pretty much opened old wounds and found out stuff my wife should have told me. It hurts all around. I dunno, maybe it was necessary to find out, but it really hurt...all over again!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It does hurt but you will now when it is time to stop looking and heal, I have. those old wound suck "I DONT WANT TO KNOW ANYMORE DETAILS"

H2BAMO, good think-in, I Saved all my "research" and you still have a ace card to play, if or when you need it.
So for what ever reason your spouse contact OM you can then play that card.


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