# Toxic Relationship Finally Over



## Munson (Nov 20, 2011)

Hello All,

I have posted on here a few times in the past about my rocky relationship with my live in gf of three, almost four years.

You can read my posts here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/45505-she-wants-seperate-beds.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/37620-am-i-wrong-getting-turned.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...am-abusing-her-but-i-think-she-abuses-me.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/35109-i-messed-up-need-advice.html

I figured I should give all those who gave me advice, or maybe just myself, some closure by posting on here that we finally ended it. To save a little reading time I won’t post the events that lead to the break up.

When I decided it was over, I told her so the next day. A simple, "I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore, it’s over, you need to move out of the condo". She cried and begged me to not do it. She asked me to go the therapy with her (something I had asked a few months before but she refused to). She apologized for being so mean to me, and if she knew it would lead me to break up with her she wouldn’t have done it.

For two weeks I would go to work and come home. She would be waiting for me at the front door on the verge of tears when normally when I would get home she would be upstairs in bed watching TV. She got dressed up in a cute outfit and put makeup on when she would normally wear sweats. She bought me flowers and a bottle of Jack Daniels. These were all things I had asked her to do before but I was very cold and didn't care. Well part of me did, and I was tempted to give in many times. I stayed late at work just to avoid going home and would go out with my friends on the weekend. I am not proud of the way I handled it but she wasn't getting that it was over and I would just get frustrated when I would get home and she would say "no it isn't, I won't let you break up with me."

Finally this past weekend we had another shouting match about breaking up and she finally admitted that she knew our relationship was horrible and that we weren't right for each other but she just didn't want to throw 3 years away and was scared of being alone. She then went off on me for over an hour. First it was anger. She threatened me, told me everyone n the city would know about me and all my secrets and that I need to move out of the city. That after she is done no girl will ever date me. That she had already filled a police report on me (about what I have no idea, I think she was just saying whatever she could to scare me, especially since no police have ever come looking for me). Then it was sadness. She cares for me, just wants me to be happy. She told me to go find a nice white girl and to be happy together (I am white, she is not). I said good bye and that I was sorry for ruining her life and that she should find someone better than me who will make her happy. I agreed to leave so she could move out in peace. I went over to my parents house that night and when I came back the next day she was gone.

She took pretty much everything out of the condo. I had never thought about it before when I heard guys (or gals) who got divorced saying "she took everything". I always thought it just meant the house, the car and the kids. In my case I kept the condo (I bought it), my big screen TV, and my bed. She took everything else. The curtains, pillows, cleaning supplies, dishes, trashcans, toilet paper, rugs, towels, silverware, and all the other household products. She took all the food. A lot of this stuff I didn't care about. I paid for all of it, but she went out and purchased it while I was at work. Or it was stuff we picked out together while shopping on the weekend. If it will make her feel better, that she stuck it to me a little a bit, then I am okay with her taking it. I just have no idea what she is going to do with all of it at her parent's house. She even took the gift I had gotten for my buddy's wedding that is this weekend, again something I paid for but that she went out and picked up. I spent so much money on her over the years, now I have to spend all this money on replacing this stuff for the house.

She of course took all the gifts I have given her over the years. Coach purses, LB shoes, nice clothes, jewelry, pictures, electronics, ect. Again, no problem with that, of course I am a little upset that now these things she will have with her next guy (including the $100 worth of VS "sleepwear" I bought right before all this and never got to enjoy). They were gifts to her so she should keep them, maybe I shouldn't have bought her all this stuff. The upsetting part is she also took the couple (no exaggeration) of gifts she gave me throughout the years. A ratchet set and two H&M sweaters. And the bottle of Jack Daniels she gave me during the break up. Again stuff she will never use but that she wanted to deprive me of having. 

Finally I have begun noticing that she took things of mine, that were mine before we even moved in together and this is what upsets me. She took a pair of my Oakley sunglasses. She took my usb drive. She even took my headphones that I would use every day while on the train to work. She took my Tupperware I use to marinate my steaks in. She took the tub my mom gave me with all my Christmas decorations in it. She dumped the decorations out but took the tub. I also can't find my knife I got in Iraq. Its these things that hurt me. Because those I know she did just to F with me since they are things that were mine and had nothing to do with her but she took them. Obviously it’s not worth contacting her to get them back though.

At the same time though she didn't tear the place apart when she left and she left some stuff that if she wanted to be an A*hole. She left my Maglight that I used in Iraq. She left all my books alone, including my dictionary my dad gave me as a graduation present. She left all the liquor (besides the bottle of JD). She left my Xbox alone (thank god!). She left the Dish remote that she could have taken to use at her parents’ house. So while she did take a lot of stuff, she also left some stuff to that I would have expected her to take if she was really going for it.

She did hammer 5 or 6 nails into the wall in random places and she also drove a lot of nails that were already in the wall for pictures all the way in so they are harder to take out. A handful of scrapes on the wall from carrying heavy things down the stairs. She didn't write on the walls, break windows, or anything. She also took the time to erase all of her TV shows that she had recorded or that were scheduled to record. And as a final jab to me, or maybe to both of us, she left hanging her saying of "Family is a gift that last forever", something I never wanted her to put up because I said her and I weren’t a family but that she put up anyway.

She took the stuff because she felt she deserved some kind of compensation for putting her dreams of a family on hold while I perused my dream of buying a house (condo) and getting a good job. Maybe I am too nice of a guy in that regards but I am not upset by all the stuff she took, more like amused or confused. 5% of me wants to call her and ask "what were you thinking by taking this or that".

I do miss her. The condo is now empty. The walls have holes in them from all the pictures that are missing. I know I am better off and so is she but I still have a lot of memories of our time together. Of course I can only think of the good ones and when I start to I try and think of the bad ones. I don't like the feeling of being so close to someone you can share anything and then the next second you have to act like they don't exist. I don't want her to hate me or be alone and sad. We had broken up once before a year ago for two months and these same feeling dragged me back to her. Its over for good this time, but I still have the same feelings. I don't understand how I could be so miserable with someone and then as soon as they are gone I miss them.

Like always sorry for the length of this post. Either way I figured I would come here to vent. I am going to take a while off from relationships. Spend some time on myself, my family and friends and hopefully start to have fun and enjoy life again.

Thanks for all the help,

Munson


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You do see how the two of you are totally different don`t you?



> I don't want her to hate me or be alone and sad.


Yet she went out of her way to make you as alone and sad as she could...way out of her way for no other reason than to cause you pain.

She did you a favor in her need to cause you even more pain.
She nearly wiped the place clean and the only reminder of her is the mess she made.

Clean it up and replace anything you need with something new.

Starting over can be depressing or it can be a fresh start to a new better life.
You decide which it is.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

i realise that it would probably be healthier to forget everything she took and start over . . . . but i just couldnt do it!

I dont care if you lived together or not, theft is theft.

Good luck, glad you got out of this awful relationship.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Good for you for finally ending it.

It's also good you're taking a break. You need some time to work on yourself.. find out why someone like her was in your life in the first place. Why did you choose her, why did you stay so long despite everything wrong with your relationship.

Good luck to you.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Munson said:


> I don't understand how I could be so miserable with someone and then as soon as they are gone I miss them.


That pretty much sums up the entire reason for the existance of this board and the marriage guidance industry and the largest chunk of suffering in human relationships.

Well done in seeing it through to a proper conclusion, she sounds kind of crazy to me.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd file a police report on the things that clearly didn't belong to her. Not simply to get them back (you probably won't, but you might get some of it), but also because it will reinforce the message that you are DONE - she may still come back around again and again. She's nowhere near being done with the grieving process.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I don't know if she took (stole?) things to hurt you or if she took them to erase herself from your life. It could be either way.

At any rate, missing her is normal and happens no matter how terrible the relationship was. The best thing to do is as you plan - spend time occupying your mind with other people.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Congrats!!! Even if you dont feel like it, this is the best thing that could have happened!!! AND she didnt boil a rabbit in your kitchen!!

Seriously, this girl is WAY messed up and you need to run and never look back! And when you stop running, fall face down on the ground and thank God she didnt get preggo and is out of your life!!

I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING EITHER!!! I read you whole story and this is totally NUTS!!!! CRAZY!!!! Things she took are small price to pay to see her go!! Adios!! I can buy more stuff and if you pursue your stuff, it gives her one more thing to hold onto you with. LET HER AND THE STUFF GO AND BE HAPPY!!! 

You are lucky she's gone, I sh*t you not!!


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

Sounds eerily like my marriage Munson. Glad you got past that. Me and my wife right now are kind of at a crossroads too. I find myself breaking my back trying to make this relationship work and she just goes crazy on me. Did your ex have any issues with drugs or alcohol that would set her off on these rampages that she use to go on?

My wife today just one day after practically begging me to come back to her called me up today telling me to leave her alone when all I did was call her back last night when I got a missed call from her. Then today when she txt me and said she was fine all I did was txt her back with I hope she has a great day, told her I love her and for her to take care of herself. 

And she spazzed out on me. Thing is she doesn't really take into account anybody elses feelings but her own, its her world and I'm just living in it. She's extremely selfish and changes her mind from one day to the next. 

She wanted me to fly back to our house the other day because she finally came home to be with her, I told her I wouldn't have any money to do that until Friday, then she had a change of heart. It basically has to be her way or the highway. So I guess I am going to be here for awhile, I'm not coming home to that crap. 

Anyways, glad you got out of your toxic relationship man. I know that lonely feeling of wanting her back so badly even though you know you did what was right. I'm going through that right now, I know our marriage hit the rocks when she asked me to leave when we were out of town and working, I guess now its just reality starting to crash down on me. Definitely hurts. Especially when you give it 110% and she barely gives 50%. 

I also btw dealt with the issues of her randomly hitting me, throwing things at me etc. etc. while I never did any of the above to her, so I read that thread too and its crazy how similar your situation was to my current situation.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

Also after she called me up spazzing out on her I did get a little impulsive and txt her up since she wouldn't answer and txted her with "Do what you have to do, You threw away this marriage when you kicked me out on the street in Miami, your feelings are all that matters, not mine. Just call me when its convenient for you and whenever you get past whatever resenments you have towards me"

Basically we are stuck in a cycle right now, I have A LOT of resentment towards her but I try to deal with it by talking it out with her. She's the opposite, she has a lot of resentment towards me but totally closes herself off. She only wants to talk about things when they are on her terms, its always been that way. When I want to express myself or my feelings it has to be on her time, yet whenever she has come to me and expressed her feelings to me and told me she had the need to express herself, I've always made time no matter what was going on to listen to her and talk. I am all about compromise and working to make things right. I do think the txt I sent her was childish though, I should have just ignored her.


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