# Unsure if i should stay in this marriage



## Indya4 (Oct 13, 2016)

Iv'e fallen out of love with my husband for so many reasons a lot to name and i feel like i'm only staying to keep the kids from being pulled into two households but i so badly am hurt and tire and i want to cry just thinking about it all. His family i have dealt with for so long and they are the most judge mental people i have ever met. my mother in law even refuses to have anything to do with my children because i stopped letting them walk over me and bully me and started standing up for myself and it hurts because my children's feelings matter also more then the petty and nonsense drama. my husband doesn't really defend me i feel like i find myself going thru hell just to be with him. With him i feel lost and out of love because of all of that and the things he has done to me in the past and now we have to deal with a nasty custody battle between him and his ex and its too much for me i have 4 children to take care of and his daughter hates the fact when she comes over she has to follow the same rules as the other children so because of that she tells lies and told the gal assigned to their case she wants to be around her father but not me and its hurtful i feel like i cant say or do anything regarding her unless its money wise if its not then i'm not allowed. And on top of that i have my husband and our problems with him i feel like our marriage is only sex like i want more i want the romantic dates etc i just want to feel like something other then the maid and his kids mother and a sex object. I'm to a point i don't know how to fall back in love with him i think about leaving i just want the normal things a wedding a loving drama free marriage i want to feel actually loved etc its like my mind is all over the place and i'm so confused i have been trying to get through to him for years and i don't feel like he will ever understand that my happiness matters also i don't want to continue to feel this way i cant...


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

You can't...what?

Don't leave us hanging.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Manchester said:


> You can't...what?
> 
> Don't leave us hanging.


People come here hurting and needing support. And you keep posting nonsense like this. If you don't have something constructive to say, don't post on the thread.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Manchester said:


> You can't...what?
> 
> Don't leave us hanging.


 @Manchester She can't do it. She can't go on. She can't function. She can't move forward. 

Saying, "I can't" or "I can't even" as a complete sentence means that she is feeling utterly helpless and vulnerable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Indya4 said:


> Iv'e fallen out of love with my husband for so many reasons a lot to name and i feel like i'm only staying to keep the kids from being pulled into two households but i so badly am hurt and tire and i want to cry just thinking about it all. His family i have dealt with for so long and they are the most judge mental people i have ever met. my mother in law even refuses to have anything to do with my children because i stopped letting them walk over me and bully me and started standing up for myself and it hurts because my children's feelings matter also more then the petty and nonsense drama. my husband doesn't really defend me i feel like i find myself going thru hell just to be with him. With him i feel lost and out of love because of all of that and the things he has done to me in the past and now we have to deal with a nasty custody battle between him and his ex and its too much for me i have 4 children to take care of and his daughter hates the fact when she comes over she has to follow the same rules as the other children so because of that she tells lies and told the gal assigned to their case she wants to be around her father but not me and its hurtful i feel like i cant say or do anything regarding her unless its money wise if its not then i'm not allowed. And on top of that i have my husband and our problems with him i feel like our marriage is only sex like i want more i want the romantic dates etc i just want to feel like something other then the maid and his kids mother and a sex object. I'm to a point i don't know how to fall back in love with him i think about leaving i just want the normal things a wedding a loving drama free marriage i want to feel actually loved etc its like my mind is all over the place and i'm so confused i have been trying to get through to him for years and i don't feel like he will ever understand that my happiness matters also i don't want to continue to feel this way i cant...


What are the things that he has done to you in the past?

How old are you and he? How long have you been married?

What are ages of your children?

It sounds like you are surrounded by people who are not showing you respect. I can see why you would want to leave this situation.

Do you have a job?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Have you considered individual therapy? It would give you someone to talk with and help sort out what you are going through.

You are right you can't keep living like that, your husband should be on your side and supporting you.


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## Indya4 (Oct 13, 2016)

Hi, I have thought about talking to someone i just haven't started yet i just don't want to explain to another person how i feel and once again not be understood.


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## Indya4 (Oct 13, 2016)

I'm 26 he's 30 we have been married for almost 3 years now and have been together about 6 years, the children are ages 8,5,3,1 and my stepdaughter is 8 years old also my oldest is from a previous relationship. I'm not currently working due to my oldest being disabled and needing extra care.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

So you had your first child at age 18 with guy #1. Things didn't work out so you then met guy #2 and now after being married for 3 short years and having 3 kids with him (at least one prior to the marriage) you're done with him too.

Whatever you do please don't rush into yet another relationship with yet another guy and have more children with what will be a third father.

If we don't learn from our past mistakes we aren't growing.
*
EDITED TO ADD.*

The ages of your children, your step child and the timeline of your two relationships doesn't make any sense at all. You say the 8 year old is your step daughter, and your eldest is from a prior relationship but _that child is only 5 and you've been with guy #2 for 6 years._

Explain.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Indya4 said:


> I'm 26 he's 30 we have been married for almost 3 years now and have been together about 6 years, the children are ages 8,5,3,1 and my stepdaughter is 8 years old also my oldest is from a previous relationship. *I'm not currently working due to my oldest being disabled and needing extra care.*


 @Indya4 caring for a child with special needs will indeed make life extremely challenging. In my marriage there was a career shift and for one year I had to take care of the kids while my wife worked. It was NOT until then that I finally understood how hard it is to raise kids and my two are normal (for the most part). So you are raising four children. WOW!

What will likely help you is to convince your husband to try and care for the kids for a day or two while you have some time just for yourself, perhaps to visit your family or something and have a small break. This will allow you to clear your head. Your husband will be very frustrated caring for the children which will A) make him start to appreciate you, or B) resent you for trying to take time for yourself. Seeing how he reacts in that situation will help you determine his character and how hard you will need to fight (if you are able) to help keep the marriage together. 

In the meantime life is messy, no one gets to grow up with nonstop romantic moments after being married. It is more like fighting a war against everything life will throw at you, and you have to hope that the person you married is fighting FOR you and not AGAINST you. 

If he complains about you to his family, that has to stop in favor of him seeing a therapist to vent his frustrations. If he is using his family to vent his frustrations, they will all take his side to protect him regardless if he is right or wrong and make your life a living hell. Convince him to try and say nice things about you to his family and that doing so will likely resolve many of your problems and make everyone happy if it is not too late.

Sincerely, 
Badsanta


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## Indya4 (Oct 13, 2016)

ill explain just for you since your so worried about my children my now husband is the father to all of my children except my oldest ! he's actually my childhood friend whom i've known before my oldest was even thought of and fyi my children are not mistakes and nothing was ever rushed into and if i needed your opinion about how many kids i should have or do with my life i would have asked you or asked which item will you be providing for them and about your income thank you. Thank you to all for the positive comments i really appreciate it.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Indya4 said:


> Iv'e fallen out of love with my husband for so many reasons a lot to name and i feel like i'm only staying to keep the kids from being pulled into two households but i so badly am hurt and tire and i want to cry just thinking about it all. His family i have dealt with for so long and they are the most judge mental people i have ever met. my mother in law even refuses to have anything to do with my children because i stopped letting them walk over me and bully me and started standing up for myself and it hurts because my children's feelings matter also more then the petty and nonsense drama. my husband doesn't really defend me i feel like i find myself going thru hell just to be with him. With him i feel lost and out of love because of all of that and the things he has done to me in the past and now we have to deal with a nasty custody battle between him and his ex and its too much for me i have 4 children to take care of and his daughter hates the fact when she comes over she has to follow the same rules as the other children so because of that she tells lies and told the gal assigned to their case she wants to be around her father but not me and its hurtful i feel like i cant say or do anything regarding her unless its money wise if its not then i'm not allowed. And on top of that i have my husband and our problems with him i feel like our marriage is only sex like i want more i want the romantic dates etc i just want to feel like something other then the maid and his kids mother and a sex object. I'm to a point i don't know how to fall back in love with him i think about leaving i just want the normal things a wedding a loving drama free marriage i want to feel actually loved etc its like my mind is all over the place and i'm so confused i have been trying to get through to him for years and i don't feel like he will ever understand that my happiness matters also i don't want to continue to feel this way i cant...


As hard as it sounds, have you stopped the act of giving love to him? I ask this all the time to those that contact me. It is like expecting to know how to play a song on the guitar before learning the notes and associated skills. To be in love, we have to perform the act of love.

How are you attempting to get through to him? What have you tried? What haven't you tried?

Do you crumble under the weight of his sexual advances and give in? This is extremely common, but doesn't divorce you from the responsibility of saying no when you want to and when you should say no.

In any strong relationship, there are boundaries; there are standards that have to be maintained and enforced. One of my loudest principles is to only have sex when it is mutually desired, otherwise partners (typically the female) will be conditioned to no longer enjoy sex. It is so easy to have passionate love in the early parts of a relationship, but so easy to forget about taking time to enjoy each other's presence. Men, contrary to popular belief, need time to arouse too!

I don't advise negative actions to bring about his catalyst. Show him the way. You can show him the way while enforcing sane and healthy standards.

Best of luck!


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Manchester said:


> Still doesn't explain what you said earlier that makes no sense.
> 
> Let's try again.
> 
> ...


You apparently did not understand her post about her children.



Indya4 said:


> I'm 26 he's 30 we have been married for almost 3 years now and have been together about 6 years, the children are ages 8,5,3,1 and my stepdaughter is 8 years old also my oldest is from a previous relationship. I'm not currently working due to my oldest being disabled and needing extra care.


There are 5 children.

8yr old - her husband's daughter, her step daughter
8yr old - her child from a previous relationship
5, 3, & 1 yr olds - her children with her husband.

There is no discrepancy.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You apparently did not understand her post about her children.
> 
> There are 5 children.


If that's the case her post is worded poorly.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Manchester said:


> If that's the case her post is worded poorly.


No, you need to learn how to read. 

Also, why the hell are you picking on this poster? Nothing better to do?

Because it sounds like her life is a living hell right now and she doesn't need someone like you making more waves.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Also, why the hell are you picking on this poster? Nothing better to do?


Because I read what I thought was an obvious discrepancy or contradiction and oftentimes new posters on this site are trolls and I don't want my valuable time wasted giving advice to a person writing a work of fiction and I'm sure nobody else does either.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I wouldnt normally defend Manchesters posts but in this case I was a bit confused too until Ele cleared it up and when I went back and read it again, I then got it.

It sounds like your childhood friend and husband is a bit of a Momma's boy. Do you mind me asking what race/nationality the two of you are. This could be quite expected and normal behaviour from your husband and in-laws in certain cultures.


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