# Unusual Situation With OMW



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I haven't seen a scenario like this on here so I need some advice.

Long story short, my wife had an two-month EA with one of our neighbors last summer. We met them in June and from July until September, my wife and OM were texting and calling one another quite often. I suspected but didn't have any hard evidence until October. Once I found out, I confronted my wife with evidence, set up no contact stipulations with OM and informed OMW who was as livid as I was.

My wife and I went to counseling and she has been doing the work to reconcile. Things have been much better and she has shown true remorse for what she did. My wife also felt terrible for what she did to the OMW and wrote an apology letter to her. They had started to become good friends during the summer which is part of the reason my wife and OM had stopped their inappropriate behavior a month before I discovered the evidence. 

Here's the problem(at least for me): The OMW has now forgiven my wife and her husband and has started initiating contact between our families. They live around the corner from us, she teaches our children at school and has children that like to play with my daughter. She is a sweet woman and I admire her ability to forgive but I'm not there yet and don't ever see myself wanting to be friends again with OM. She will contact my wife to go to the movies or will arrange for the kids to play together. Her husband and my wife still have not had contact yet since D-day(to my knowledge) but I feel these frequent meetings will eventually lead to some contact between the two. 

Part of the problem I think is that the OMW was totally clueless about everything throughout the summer while I suspected something and was lied to by both OM and my wife about something inappropriate going on. He and I became good friends and he would text my wife while we were out together or on the golf course together. OMW never had either of those experiences so I guess that helped her in getting past everything. 

My wife beat herself up pretty badly about what she did and having the OMW forgive her was a huge relief to her. I never set up no contact with OMW because I didn't think I would ever have to. Because of school, there really is no way to have no contact anyway because we have to deal with her a few times per week.

I just don't know how to handle. My wife is aware and will try to minimize contact but she also doesn't want to offend the person who just forgave her for doing something terrible. OMW just invited our daughter to a sleepover birthday party for one of her daughters with an invitation my daughter received at school. So now my daughter is all excited about going and I'm the bad guy if I say no, but it adds another possibility of contact. It's this kind of stuff that is making me upset yet also makes me feel like the bad guy when I did nothing wrong.

How should I handle the friendly OMW who seems to be ready to move on?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I would express your concerns to the omw And begin no contact except for school issues
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You can't be friends with her or your wife have contact with her husband, it is a recipe for disaster.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I wonder if the OMW is trying to over compensate.

Even if i weren't lied to while the affair was in progress, I would still feel lied to in some way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You can't be friends with her or your wife have contact with her husband, it is a recipe for disaster.


This x 1000. 

They both (OM and OMW) need to be out of yoru lives completely and forever. Forever ever, forever ever (like the Outkast song says). 

If you guys wanted to you and your wife could tell OMW that you appreciate her forgiveness but it is best for both families if your contact ends being that both families were betrayed.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You can't be friends with her or your wife have contact with her husband, it is a recipe for disaster.


I agree. I'm cordial when I see her at my kids' school but I don't try to initial contact. But she is contacting my wife and my wife is thrilled to have that contact with her mainly because of the guilty feelings she has. I didn't feel awkward telling my wife and OM to cease all contact but it's awkward with OMW cause I feel like I'm punishing another innocent person.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> I agree. I'm cordial when I see her at my kids' school but I don't try to initial contact. But she is contacting my wife* and my wife is thrilled to have that contact with her mainly because of the guilty feelings she has.* I didn't feel awkward telling my wife and OM to cease all contact but it's awkward with OMW cause I feel like I'm punishing another innocent person.


Once again, an indicator that one's partner is more concerned about the feelings of others compared to the concern that they have for the feelings of their own partner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Explain to your wife that no contact means NO contact. 

Why would you let your DAUGHTER go over there for a sleepover. WTF? It's like the Twilight Zone.

Just cause OMW wants to be friends doesn't mean jack. I am sure your wife is happy to feel forgiven but most people in her position would feel ridiculously ashamed and not even be able to FACE to OMW. 

Twilight Zone.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> You can't be friends with her or your wife have contact with her husband, it is a recipe for disaster.


:iagree:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree that you can't be friends. I think the best course of action is to be honest with her. Tell her that her increasing contact with your wife is increasing the chances of contact between your wife and her husband. And that is unacceptable to you. So, because of her husband's and your wife's actions, you really can't be friends.

As for your daughter, I think the best course of action is to plan a family activity for the same day and tell your daughter that she can no longer go to the party because of the family activity. However, if you really feel that you have to let her go, let her walk the short distance to the party so that you and/or your wife won't have to have any contact.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I agree that you can't be friends. I think the best course of action is to be honest with her. Tell her that her increasing contact with your wife is increasing the chances of contact between your wife and her husband. And that is unacceptable to you. So, because of her husband's and your wife's actions, you really can't be friends.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Stand your ground.

ANY contact between your wife and OM is BAD BAD BAD news.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Talk to the OMW that your currently uncomfortable with the scenario. And you will like her to pull back on her friendship with your wife for now.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I agree that you can't be friends. I think the best course of action is to be honest with her. Tell her that her increasing contact with your wife is increasing the chances of contact between your wife and her husband. And that is unacceptable to you. So, because of her husband's and your wife's actions, you really can't be friends.


:iagree:

Perhaps the OMW doesn't fully understand what an EA is or how involved they were. It is also possible that the OM is gaslighting her about it. Have a frank discusion wth the OMW to let her know how uncomfortable you are with it and how it is risking both marriages.

Remember you are not punishing the OMW you are protecting the marriages.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

meson said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Perhaps the OMW doesn't fully understand what an EA is or how involved they were. It is also possible that the OM is gaslighting her about it. Have a frank discusion wth the OMW to let her know how uncomfortable you are with it and how it is risking both marriages.
> 
> Remember you are not punishing the OMW you are protecting the marriages.


I like the way you phrase it. Thanks to everyone for their advice.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I wonder if the OMW is trying to over compensate.
> 
> Even if i weren't lied to while the affair was in progress, I would still feel lied to in some way.


More than likely, and I would do this myself, she's keeping an enemy closer to keep an eye on things and monitor (OMW is) what his WS may or may not do.

You know that saying : Keep your friends close but keep your enemies even closer.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What are you doing in the "trust but verify" department?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

conjure up some testicular fortitude, and tell her the relationship is done, done, done!

how hard is that?


unless sitting across the table from the man who wanted to "do" your wife sounds appealing to you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> More than likely, and I would do this myself, she's keeping an enemy closer to keep an eye on things and monitor (OMW is) what his WS may or may not do.
> 
> You know that saying : Keep your friends close but keep your enemies even closer.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This whole story just creeps me out. Can't put my finger on it, but there is something sinister about the OMW. There just something wrong about her.

My fear is that the OP and his wife are going to come home from a night on the town and find their pet cat boiling in a crock pot on the stove!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

They might be swingers. I read a story once where a swinger couple tried to drag the wife's sister and her husband into a swinger lifestyle.So the husband seduced the wife's sister while the wife cheated with her sister's husband. Totally f^%#ed up


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> They might be swingers. I read a story once where a swinger couple tried to drag the wife's sister and her husband into a swinger lifestyle.So the husband seduced the wife's sister while the wife cheated with her sister's husband. Totally f^%#ed up



That's a good idea. I think you're on to something.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I agree with the sentiment of NO CONTACT regardless of circumstance. Change schools now. The OMW probably has probably been "mislead" by her H as to the severity of the affair. If she doesn't understand, write her a letter explaining that this EA was a dry run for a full blown PA around the corner. 

It just will not work. Your family needs to distance yourself from the source... the OM and the OMW. 

Personal Note...

After I finally caught my wife in her last PA (serial cheater), I contacted the OMW to let her know what her scumbag was up to. She was not surprised, but still very upset, her H and my wife. We emailed and talked on the phone for a weeks trying to figure details and what was really going on and said. I had more information (emails and text messages) that she didn't. At first, it provided some comfort to be able to talk with someone who could explain just who this scum OM was and what he was really like. She wanted to know about my wife, what kind of woman would tear apart a marriage of 25 years. If you haven't been here personally, I can understand if you think it's a little weird. After a few weeks of corresponding, we both agreed that continuing contact was not a good idea for either of us, regardless of divorce, reconciliation, or whatever. 

The point... like I said regardless of outcome of your marriage, if you are going to "get over", "move on", "move forward" with your own life you cannot be in contact, period.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> My wife is aware and will try to minimize contact but she also doesn't want to offend the person who just forgave her for doing something terrible.


 Your wife and the OM lied to you about the EA and had you so gas lighted that you were actually apologizing to him during a golf game as he was texting your wife the whole game. Yet here you are again just a short time later being gas lighted as your wife has found a way to get the OM back into her life. Put your foot down now. Just because the OMW is gullible enough to buy into this, does not mean that you should.

Just like when they got you to apologize before as they made a fool of you behind your back, they are again trying to make you feel bad for speaking the truth. The truth is there can be no contact between your wife and the OM ever again. No if ands or buts about it. Just because the the OMW is being played the fool again, does not mean that you have to. The OMW's feelings should not matter to your wife as much as your feelings. The marraige vows that your wife cheated on was with you, not with anyone else. She and the OM are falsely holding the OMW out as a noble forgiving model for you to follow. Do not buy into it. There is nothing noble about rug sweeping. You should be angry that your wife is trying to play you this way. She has no right to be even asking you to do this. 

She needs to end all contact with the OM and that should include ending all contact with the other man's family including his wife (with the possible exception of OMW in school). Before being tricked into thinking that your children should be allowed to play over since they are innocent, consider the upside of them playing over to the downside to them in a divorce. For their sake, it is not worth the risk. Your children are too young to understand and will be angry. Do not let your wife gas light you into feeling bad for doing this as it is not your fault. It is completely the fault of your wife and her actions. Your wife needs to own up to this and be willing to be the bad guy that enforces this and not try blame shift this over to you.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> I just don't know how to handle. My wife is aware and will try to minimize contact but she also doesn't want to offend the person who just forgave her for doing something terrible.


Will try to minimize contact? Bulls***. There should be no contact. I think OMW would understand if she told her she is thankful for her forgiveness, but if your wife is to respect the marriage(I know, too late, she already dissed it), that there HAS to be NO CONTACT between her and the OM.




> OMW just invited our daughter to a sleepover birthday party for one of her daughters with an invitation my daughter received at school. So now my daughter is all excited about going and I'm the bad guy if I say no, but it adds another possibility of contact.


Its a tough spot to say the least, but I think it would be understandable to all involved that the ONLY contact should be between you and OMW in situations like this.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

It occurred to me that you and the OMW may not understand what gaslighting is since you both are falling for it again. According to Wiki gaslighting is when “information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory or perception”. It comes from a play later made into a movie where the husband manipulated his wife in this way.

In your case, the OMW is being gaslighted by the OM in his role as her husband and your wife in her role as her friend. Together they have got her to accept rug sweeping as the correct thing to do when it is not. The OMW was the weakest link so they gaslighted her first. Now they are turning their attention on you. You can forgive, but you should not forget and allow things to return as if nothing has happened. It should never return as before with the OM or his wife. The affair was an attack on both marriages. It could have ended your marriages. No friendship is worth that. The OMW has forgiven your wife. Great now your wife needs to move on and keep no contact with the OM and his family. 

It is normal for it to take 2 to 5 years for you to heal from an affair. Healing only begins when there is true remorse. You wife focusing on the feelings of the OMW and not on your feelings shows that she does not have true remorse. Your wife encouraging you and the OMW to rug sweep, also shows a lack of true remorse. Your wife and the OM may still have inappropriate feeling for each other. Trust your gut this time. You were right last time. Your wife and the OM were wrong. You are right again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

OMW seems like a rug sweeper and probably doesn't know the true extent of what happened or refuses to acknowledge it.

They need to be cut out, sucks your daughter is caught in the middle


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

No consequences to your wife is not helpful to your marriage.

This other person is doing a grave disservice to your marriage by reliveing your wife's guilt.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Do you really want your daughter sleeping under the same roof with a guy who was having an affair with your wife?


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