# Please help - Will she admit it? Did anything even happen. HELP!!



## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

Hello everyone. I hope someone can help me sort out my thoughts. I know this post is real long but I am really lost right now.

Ok, I have been married for almost 5 years now. I just turned 28 and my wife is almost 24. we have a 4yr old together. 

When we first got married, I worked a lot and wasn't really available to my wife. We did have sex at his time and it was often. After a while she started to say things like sex is the only way to get my attention. 

After about 2 years in to the marriage my wife started not being home as much as she would be out late a few nights. She started going to college which caused arguments about child care and time together. She became very private and started locking her cell phone and computer (she says cause I snoop). Sex also started to slow down to maybe once or twice a month. (if I was lucky) I first got the feeling she was talking to someone else or even cheating for the first time. She is also a writer and I found "stories' she wrote about meeting a man at a bar that she hadn't seen it a while. She claims it was just one of her stories since she is a writer. Then one night she was gone till 6am which she said she was just driving around. I then checked her chell phone records since the phone was in my name and I could she call locations were being made mostly from the next town over all the time she was out late. I then pin pointed a specific number that was called a lot and I called it. I got a voicemail with a male speaker and no name stated.

I didn't tell her about the phone number but I did question her about being out all of the time and the story she wrote. I asked her if she was cheating on me and she said no. I thought about it and decided to file for divorce as a result of the phone numbers and locations stated on the phone bill that she was at during the nights she was out. Once she was served, she was angry at me. i asked for sole custody of our child in the papers and she was hurt that I was trying to 'take our child' from her. I told her it was just a bargaining tool for the divorce. I told her
I didn't want to keep him from her, I just want him to primarily live with me. I then brought up the phone number on her phone bill and she said it was her cousins boy friends phone and that she was talking to her cousin while she was driving around at night. Her cousin broke up with that boyfriend around this same time and now had a new phone. To this date, the number she was calling is still active with the same voicemail greeting by a male.

We then decided to try marriage counseling and work on our issues, I dropped the divorce and we started counceling. In counseling we talked about how I get angry and how im not supportive of what my wife wants and I talked about how she is no longer available and may have cheated or being seeing someone else. The marriage counselor eventually stopped seeing us and basically dropped us. (i think she eventually felt we were a lost cause - maybe due to lack of compromise, I thought I was right and so did my wife - and we both were sorta). While in counseling we learned not to play tit for tat and sex came back into the relationship just a tad.



Soon after counseling ended, My wife stopped going to school after that semester and says it was due to my pressure of wanting her home. She then also started a new full time job a month after her first semester in school ended. That was a year and a half ago from now. Once she started the new job, she made friends with a woman my age and started going to her house after work and then bringing our son with her. I met this woman once and she never really made an impression on me so I choose to not make friends with her like my wife did, plus my wife worked with her, not me. 

This new friend she made at work started meaning a lot to my wife as I assume she found support in her. My wife generally needs someone else to take control of things for her in her life and I think that is what this new girlfriend did for her in terms of relationship/marriage advice. My wife would soon start attending many work functions and talking our child to her girl friends house from work to play with their kids on the weekend. My wife also danced for recreation during the week and between work, dancing, her friends, her evenings that she was out, our arguments about that and having a child, we soon lost touch and sex became an issue again and I started to feel the same way I did the year before when I filed for divorce the first time. 

She started telling me how she wished I was like her friends husband and wished that I would do things with her. As a working business owner paying all the bills and a head full of resentment for the lack of attention and sex, it was hard to make our schedules meet and have the money and motivation to do stuff together. When we did do things, we always would end up arguing about stuff. All I wanted was her attention back and she knew it at this point.

While this was going on, I did all kinds of things to show her i cared and needed attention. I even sent her flowers to her job with a card saying I miss you.

Our fourth wedding anniversary arrived and the day after our anniversary her and my son were to leave on a plain to go visit her mother. The fact she was leaving the day after started an argument on our anniversary and ruined things. She left the next day to spend a week away. During that week we texted and had conversations that were good. When she got back, sex was quite often for about 3 weeks. The sex stopped once she became busy with more than just her job again and that started up the arguments again. She even started ignoring me when I called her and she was out. She would get angry at me when she wanted to go to late night work parties and events, she would prefer to not be home at this time and would try to avoid me which was most likely to avoid an argument. She started telling me times she would be home and always be 2-3 hours later than the time should would give me. She would start saying things like Im not her daddy and she can come home when she wants. Many arguments occurred during this time as cheating started becoming a question to me again. I know she felt unsupported and like I wanted to control everything she did. I didn't ask of much. Just make time for family, Make love to me, put family first instead of friends, help more with our son and do it with me. Be home at night for us to have time together. She never wanted that. She wanted to do what she wanted regardless of my feelings and she would continue to keep private from me such as locking her phone and computer still.

I lost control of myself one night and broke down in tears because of all of her deliberate avoidance of me and lack of intimacy. My wife got angry of my actions and im thinking its because our child was present to see it.

The next day she said she was going to the zoo with my son and her girlfiend's family from work. The zoo closed at 4pm so she said she would be home with our son by then. At 5pm I got a text saying they all stopped for food and the kids were playing. She asked me if I wanted anything and I told her to bring me home food. At 6pm I texted her again and she said they were actually now at the creek and the kids were playing. She would be home after. At 8pm she said the kids got wet and she was waiting for the clothes to dry in the drier. At 10pm she finally got home, our son was now ready for bed and she forgot the order of food that she asked me if I wanted. We talked for about a half hour before she was tired and went to bed. We talked about if she was seeing someone else. She said no and that her girl friends fiance doesn't even have male friends that she had a possibility to hang out with. I told her good cause since we are in a low point in our marriage, I don't want her falling for some other guy that makes everything better in her world. i told her how I loved her and we needed to work on our marriage together as a team. When I mentioned about how man might try to date her when she talks about how unhappy she is in her marriage, she gave me a weird look like she was doing just that with someone.

Two days later was easter easter sunday. and she had my family over for breakfast. She was again going to hang out with her girlfriend from work to easter egg hunt with her family and my son. She had an easter basked on our counter that was for her girlfriends daughter (as she told me). The basket looked low so I offered to buy candy for it so it didn't look so slim for her friend. We went up to the store and she let me buy candy for it. Here and my son then left around 2pm and returned home around 9-10pm

Two days after that, I woke up to a note left for me about how we need some time apart and how I need to get myself under control and that she doesnt know if she can do it anymore with me. I texted her saying I will still try my hardest to make her happy and to not do this. She didn't answer. I was then doing some work around the house that she wanted me to do and decided to take a nap when I was done and wait for her and my son to arrive home. I was then woken up to a knock on the front door. I opened the door and it was the police. I had to get out of the home I am paying all the bills in. My wife filed for a protection order and custody of our son. I grabbed my clothes and the stuff needed to run my business and had my mother pick me up. When I left the house, I also grabbed my wifes laptop which she always kept locked and took it with me when the cop made me leave.

I couldnt believe I was kicked out by the cops because of the protection order my file filed. She stated I was verbally abusive and controlling. She stated I was abusive to our child such as I pulled his arms and made him yell in pain (he does that on his own with anyone changing his clothes cause he is a child). She also stated I smoke weed. (which I have rarely but recently). 

The next morning my wife showed up at my mothers house and cried saying how she didn't mean to kick me out and that she loved me and how sorry she was and that she is just scared. (I have never hit her at all) - she says I scare her because I raise my voice. But I get to that point when we argue because she will never stay home and I feel like we live like roommates. She said she wants to not go through with this.

A day or two later, I cracked the password on my wife's laptop and started searching through it. Just as I was about to give up, I found the pictures hidden in a weird folder. The photos were of that easter sunday. In the pictures was another man and that man playing with my son on a swing. There were also photos of this other man and his daugher together. I also found pictures of his daughter and my son playing together. In one of the pictures was a photo of this other man and his daughter, In the picture was the girls easter basket that was sitting in my house that I bought the candy for that my wife wanted.

I wasn't able to see my son during this period until the first court date. I wanted to see him so my mother called and we arranged a meeting. My wife decided to let me see my son but send her mother along to supervise me or something. When she got there with my son, I called the cops because I felt I could visit with my son without her there. After I called the cops, my mother in law grabbed my son and tried to leave with him. She was immediately attacked by my mother and family members that were present that did not want her talking my son. The cops finally showed up and made us let my son leave with my mother in law since the issue would be brought to court in 2 days.


At court, my wifes attorney accused me of being mentally unstable and then they drug tested me and found marijuana. Due to the drug test, I had supervised visitation with my son for the next month or so. Supervised by my sons grandfather which was ok I guess. At court my wife also requested to the judge that I remove my car from the garage at our home and that I return her laptop computer which was granted to her.

After that court date and everything that just happened, I thought my wife was seeing someone else due to the pictures on her computer and the fact I felt she was keeping me from seeing our son. Not to mention how screwed up she was making me out to be in court. All I wanted was for her to keep her wedding vows and love me enough to spend time with me and make me somewhat of a priority in her life. 

Since I felt so screwed and she had a protection order against me that prevented me from talking or going near her, I decided to hire a private investigator to watch her and find out if she was cheating with this man in the easter pictures I found on her laptop.

The private investigator watched her drive from my house to this other mans house and spend the night. She also went on many play dates with this man and our son. This guy had a daughter so our kids played together and my wife visited with him and his family. Then one night, they investigator informed me that this guy came to my house and spent the night one night. I didn't have pictures of her actually having sex with this guy but my wife understands how I feel about other men and She did spend the night at his house and allow him to sleep at ours without me there. My 3 yr. old son also told me the next day that this other man slept in my bed with mommy. I was 100% sure at this point she was and had been having an affair. Everything made sense to me now. Why she was cold and never wanted to be around the person she married suddenly made all the sense in the world to me. I was ready to divorce her now.. once again.

The next time we went to court was a month later. I no longer tested positive for weed so my visitations were no longer supervised. However, My wifes attorney brought up the private investigator because my wife finally noticed being followed all the time. The judge yelled at me and postponed the court appearance for another 10 days keeping the protection order in place as a result of my PI. I then called off the PI but at this point knew the name of the guy she was visiting with. He was on my wifes friends list on facebook, so I messaged him and told him to stay away from my son. Re never replied but I also never seen my wifes car at his house and my son no longer talked about seeing him. 

A month later, another court date. I was sure something bad was going to happen. It has been 3 months since I wa kicked out and spoke to my wife at this point. Just before going in to see the judge, my wife wanted to speak with me. I agreed. She started telling me how she missed me and never cheated on me. How the other guy was just a friend. She started crying and telling me how she made a mistake by kicking me out and she still loves me. I took her back after this conversation and we went in to see the judge. She dropped the stay away protection order and I was now allowed back in the house. 

My son was so happy when I finally came home that day. He said "Yes, Daddy, you came home!" I loved being back and my son was very happy once I came back home. 

I had a lot of questions like who was the guy in the easter pictures and if she actually cheated. She told me the first day she met him was on that easter sunday. He is the cousin of the girlfriend she works with. He lives at home with his mom, she went over there for easter with her girlfriend's from work family. She says she never met him before that easter sunday. I asked her about the easter basket in the picture of this guy and his daughter.. it's the same basket I bought candy for. I aksed why it was in the picture with this guy and she says she doesnt know. The basket wasn't for his daughter, it was for her girlfriends daughter... I think that is far fetched. When I asked why she slept at his house, she said she was sleeping at the "family's house" and she hung out with his mather all night talking and making jewelry with her and her girlfriend from work. When I asked her why he slept at our house, she said he was in the area and she called him to bring her some smokes since our son was in bed and she was out. He came over but before he did, my son hear a knock at the bedroom window and said he was scared. Since she knew she kicked me out, she though it could have been me and got scared herself (it wasn't me) - then when this guy showed up with the smokes, she had him spend the night on the couch while she slept in bed because she was scared since our son heard a knocking at his window. When Asked why she kicked me out and hung out with him in the first place, she said because it gave her something to do and since he had a daughter, our son had someone to play with. When asked why she took pictures of a man she just met on easter sunday, she said because our son wanted her too since he seen her with the camera that day. Almost half of the pictures are of this other man taken by my wife. In the pictures, he seems to be sitting next to her on the couch giving the camera the finger, playing with my son, standing by my wife while they watch the kids, or sittig with his own daughter... nothing sexual but who takes pictures of a man they just met that day and hides them on their computer? When asked why they were hidden in some folders on the locked laptop, she said it was by mistake and those pictures were the "overfolw" of the pictures she took that day. However, the times on the pictures seem to span the majority of the day, I don't know how they could possibly be only the overflow, plus my wife says she deleted the rest of the pictures from that day when she asked me to come home in court.

My wife says she had no interest in this other guy and she only kicked me out so I would "wake up and see what I was doing" I guess getting angry cause your wife never has time for you or hadly sleeps with you or spends time as a family is not allowed by me... She says she wants her own life with me in it. Problem is she works all day, then comes home, we have the cild present then I need to go to sleep for work the next day. On the weekends she also works another job and has an event or two with her friends. We never have time anymore and when we do we argue about having time or the past about how she threw me out and if she actually cheated or not. I feel she cheated on me but won't admit it. I would understand if she did but I feel she is not being honest. She once told me she couldnt leave me cause I would fight her for everything and ruin her life. She still says she is scared of me and what I might do if she actually wants to leave. I don't care anymore, I just want her honestly and that includes if she cheated or not. People tell me that if she did she would never admit it. When I ask her she says she was only friends with him and nothing happened. I find that had to believe due to the pictures and the fact a PI discovered she slept at his house and he slept at ours without me there. I feel since she has a fear of if she leaves, she has that same fear if she confesses to an affair. I may be worng, I want to be wrong. I hope she is honest and didn't sleep with this other guy. It wouldnt even matter now if she really loved me. However, I don't know what to believe. It's the lying factor I wouldnt be able to stand. Does anyone think she actually cheated on me? Am I nuts?

She no longer locks her conmuter or her cell phone. (however, her phone goes with her everywhere. even if she takes a bath or goes to bed. the phone is always in her hand.) - When I cam home 4 months ago, she also said she would change her cell phone number, she hasn't done that yet. She also said she would quit her job and get a new one due to the girlfriend she had at the last job, she did that but then recently started talking to the girlfriend she used to work with who is related to the guy she was with when she kicked me out of the house. When I bring up the friendship of her girlfriend, she says they barely talk and don't see each other. What is it about this girlffriend and why does my wife allow her to remain in our life after I believe she cheated on me with that friend's cousin?? If she hardly talks to her, why have her on her friends list on facebook? My wife knows what just happened and that Im not comfortable with this friend but she is still in contact with her and as a result, possible her cousin who I think she cheated on me with... why is this friend worth so much to my wife?


Sex has now died down again and we don't spend time together anymore like we did when I first came home. My wife seems to be a tab bit secretive again and goes out on weekends and some evenings again. However, she is home earlier and tells me she loves me from time to time. We still argue and a lot of it is over what just happened. I have a lot more trust issues than I did before and it seems hard on my wife to work through them with me.

Does this woman love me? She came back to me I guess... but why? Did she really have an affair? What type of affair? Did she really meet this guy for the first time on easter sunday? Should I believe her? How do I decide is she is honest about it or not? Is there a way to ever find the truth?

I am going nuts with all of this. I have so many questions that keep going through my mind. Someone please help me sort all of this out!


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

Also - when all of this court stuff was going on, I sent this guy she supposedly met on easter a message online. He never replied but they appeared to stop hanging out after I sent the message. When I asked my wife about it she said he told her about the message and that's when she told him that if she really wanted to work it out with me that they had to stop hanging out. Do you think she may be hiding it and still hanging out with him? Should I ask him about the events by sending him another message and seeing if he responds to me? How to you ask someone through email if they slept with your wife a few months ago without sounding like you want to start something and actually get the truth from them?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to suggest a polygraph. You have to find out the truth on her "sleep overs". Just the suggestion of it could get her to spill her guts. Just tell her that you want to put all this behind you. If she agrees, great. If she doesn't you pretty much have your answer.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

suggested a polygraph before.. she said she would take it but wouldn't look at me the same afterwards because it is not normal in a marriage to do something like that and that it is just weird


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## a0330v (Oct 17, 2010)

Dear Someone99,
This must have been a traumatic experience for you and it is good to hear that you are working through it. Having been in a relationship slightly similar to yours, I can understand the resentment that builds up over time. I realized that the key to overcoming that resentment is to create a plan for the future that will keep your eyes on the good things to come instead of the past that you can no longer change.

What became an important tool for me were these three elements that make up a good mindset and enable you to move forward in a positive way.

1. Knowing that each setback is just feedback that tells you "this didn't work" and makes it really clear what the right way of doing this is. Even if your wife stays out late one night, that is not directed as insult to you. That simply means that you need to create a more pleasant home environment where she wants to stay and spend her time. Make it the perfect place where she wont want to leave. A place filled with love, smiles and laughter. Nobody would trade a bar for that.
2. Taking it one day at a time and making sure you have tomorrow planned in a way that keeps you both occupied and works toward an exciting life goal you have (promotion, new job, move, get back in shape etc) This will keep you focused on the good things to come and your wife will be much more interested in you when she sees that you are heading somewhere exciting in life and are really happy about that goal every day. Using the negative energy you used to spend on her to accomplish something great is magic. Nothing is sexier than a man on a mission.
3. Smiling. It is scientifically proven that simply smiling makes your brain release endorphines (happiness hormones), this is the bodies natural high. you don't have to be happy to smile, you get happy by smiling. She comes home, smile, she tries to start an argument, apologize (even if it's not your fault, there is no value in being right about the small stuff) and smile some more. This will make her connect you with something pleasant and she wont be able to be grumpy around you.

In addition to this I found these three things super helpful. Honestly I think they saved me when it came to keeping my mind in the future and letting go of all that resentment. Every day I did these three things.
1. Before I went to bed I took 2 minutes to daydream about tomorrow and how awesome it was going to feel to smile and be happy with my life. I also thought about how strong I would feel about doing something tomorrow that brought me closer to my life goal. Literally I would play a movie in my head of how tomorrow would look and what I would be doing and I would feel really proud of myself for being in charge of my life.
2. Every day I did one thing, no matter how little, to get me closer to my bigger life goal. Weather it be expanding a business, getting in shape, finding a new client, get a better job. Buy that book about eating healthy, incorporate that new workout at the gym that day. Call a few potential clients, update your resume, research online on how really successful people expanded their business and create an action plan based on that. Whatever it is, even if it's one phone call, one lunch with someone that might help you, you will feel amazing after and your wife will be able to see that strength and pride in you.
3. Do something you enjoy! Have fun! Take your son to the movies, plan a nice dinner, play ball with your buddies, if it involves physical activity even better, go to the park, rent that movie and make some popcorn. Every day I did something that I could look forward to all day and it kept my mood up like nothing else.

Lastly, when things got a little too overwhelming and that anger started rolling up I did this tiny exercise.
Lay down or sit comfortably.
1. Breathe in through your nose on one count, make sure you are breathing into your stomach, not your chest (if you aren't sure if you are breathing right, place one hand on your chest and one on your stomach, your chest should be almost still while breathing in)
2. Breathe out through the mouth on 5 counts (simply count to 5 while you are breathing out)
3. Do about 5-10 repetitions and it will remove your anxiety. It always got mine.

You can do this!


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## a0330v (Oct 17, 2010)

*x*

x


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Be on the lookout for a pay as you go phone also invest in a gps for her car. Voice recorder also has helped, this also can prevent any more false restraining orders since you can have certain conversations on tape. And put a keylogger on her computer. None of these are expensive. Her stating she would take the test but would not look at you the same after is a big red flag!! It was said to scare you off.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You don't need to spy any more. Even IF there wasn't sex (he slept in her bed, YOUR bed, for gods sake), her behavior is entirely inappropriate.

This is why all you don't let your wife hang out at meat markets partying with strange men 'till all hours of the morning. They WILL EVENTUALLY MEET SOMEONE.

And screw the polygraph. If it comes out positive, she'll say it's wrong. If it comes out negative, you're still going to have doubts. Polygraphs aren't 100%.

Start living your life. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Stay out until 6AM. Sleep over at a female's house. See if your wife will go away for the weekend and ask if your new friend (she's just a friend) can sleep in your bed with you. You're JUST FRIENDS.

Scare the CRAP out of her. Let her know you're checking out.

And for gods sake, control the temper and the crying. Take control, man. She's not coming back. Fix yourself and cherish your relationship with your son. SHE needs to prove to YOU that she still wants this relationship to work. If she can't, your gone.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

Yeah, I try to do my own thing but she seems to not be affected by it at all. She lives her life too and is seems just fine. That bothers me and I can't escape it...

She says he slept on the couch. She said she was just scared that night because our son heard knocking at his window... If I ask my son, he says he slept in 'mommy daddys bed'... my wife blows that off saying hes only 4 and that she swears he did not sleep in our bed. She said our son wouldnt even know because the first time he woke up was in the morning and that is when he seen her friend and he was on the couch in the living room. She seems to be being honest but I can't tell because I want to believe her. Does it sound like something happened here? Why would she lie and still want to be with me. She had me stop 2 divorces that I filed for. If she is messing around, why wouldnt she just leave? Does anyone think this woman did cheat on me and is doing a great job at covering it up? My behavior is what caused her to throw me out of the house... or was that just her excuse to be with this guy and 'test him out'?

I need the truth and maybe I have it from her. I just wish I could say I knew for a fact she was being honest with me.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

perhaps you could do NC and stay away from her ... tell her that you are going to file for D, as you feel like she keeps lying to you.

until now, she won't admit it as your child told you that she slept with the "evil creature". your child iinfo is enough to accuse her and be firm to her as she is "evil creature" right now.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

So does everyone think she did cheat and is just lying about it now? What reason would she have to lie? She can just leave if she wants someone else


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

she depends on you ... there is something she needs which she couldnt find outside you.

i am not sure where you are standing now... reconcile or going to file for D.


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## milky (Sep 16, 2010)

Hey there,
I'm actually going through a fraction of what you are...even though I am broken myself, and no professional, I trust my instincts as should you.
Based on what you told me, it reeks of an affair. Yeah, we're all assuming, and that's what I'm doing. A wife has no right to treat you that way, no business to lie to you. Period. She's spent the night at this mans place, she has pictures of him, she's secretive of everything about him - put yourself in her shoes - wouldn't you act the same if you were cheating too?

She can't just LEAVE you...obviously you are providing or something for her. If she left you, maybe it would make her look bad. You just can't be played for a fool - you can't let her think she can just keep you on a string.

Ultimately, she needs to realize what she's doing and be regretful for it. The signs are too clear and you can do a couple of many things:
1) you can put up with it, believe what you want, be sweet to her and let her do what she wants, and hopefully she when she's over him she will realize how much you stuck by her.
or 2) you can confront her and tell yourself you don't deserve it. and as much as it pains you, you don't say much about it, except the truth. tell her u are just trying to be an honest good man. tell her to think about the kind of person she is. tell her this isnt about the relationship anymore, its about what kind of person she wants to be.

tell her u know the truth and u can't allow her lie. and tell her if she has a problem with it then only she knows what she's done behind your back, and if she's happy with the person she is, so be it.

-THEN again, that will likely lead to divorce....are u ready for that? Open your eyes bro.

I did option 2, and it worked for me. Guilt hangs so heavy for my wife that even at this VERY minute she is telling me she would never hurt me again.
If you believe you are a good man, then anyone with a heart will eventually respect you...if your woman has a heart she will too. Make her realize what kind of person she is and maybe she will at least give you the decency to be honest with you.


That is my opinion - right or wrong.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

99,
She wants to lie, she has to lie b/c what she did was shameful and wrong. deep down she does not want to be a cheater and labeled as a dishonest person. Most likely hates her self for it and preferres to block it out of her mind. Disloyal spouses can be embarrest for what they are doing. When you do find proof she is cheating on(sleeping with) you, you will get the "I didn't want to tell you b/c I didn't want to hurt you" line.

Right know you are her safe place, you are her security blanket, plus you dont live with your mommy.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

At this point, learning the truth has become more important to me than the relationship itself (or whats left of it)... She is growing more and more distant again and says it is because I keep bringing up this guy and I talk about infidelity everyday. I believe she is lying to me so much I have even told her to get out and the relationship is over. I then go back and change my mind and tell her I love her. I am having so much trouble deciding. I guess I would still stay even if she told me she did sleep with him. But even if she knew that I felt that way, I don't think she is warm blooded enough to step up to the plate and admit what she did, I guess because she knows how bad she will look to me, my family, and possibly even her own friends and family. I guess I understand why she would not admit to being so dishonest... 

Even if she didn't sleep with him and honestly not interested in him, Is what she did still cheating? cheating on our trust and marriage? I never met this man... I could never do to her what she did to me.

Does it sound like she cheated and can't be honest? Or am I just not trusting her enough? How likely is it that she cheated and is lying to me?


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

Throwing me out because of my actions, that makes sense to me. Immediately making a "new" guy friend and hanging out with him and his family is strange.... then she slept at his house and he slept at mine.... AM I STUPID? or could she be an honest person in all of this? Was he really just some guy she was hanging out with to kill time while she worked on things with me? Does anyone really think her intentions were to work on things with me if she made this new male friend?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NO!


Dude if she was trying to work things out with you, she would be doing it with you, not "hanging out" with the OM.
At the very least she has made a connection with OM and not you, sex or no sex. In my opinion she has crossed the line and it is a matter of time before it gets phsyical, it may already has happened and she feels like grap, and will deny it until you show her some hard proof. Lets say she didn't sleep with the OM,the bottom line is she is not commiting to the marraige. That in it self is cause for some changes, and not the kind of changes she has shown.


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## Confused1979 (Jan 4, 2010)

I understand, its hard to drop it because you still have doubts. Going through the same thing myself. I didnt hire a PI, although I wish I could. But I was informed by my husbands best friends girlfriend that my husband has been seeing this girl off and on for the past year. He denies all of it, and the girl who told me sent me texts my husband sent to his friend on her phone about how "she needs to delete my number because she told me" Told me what? He just replies told me about stuff that wasnt true. Why would she lie then? Kind of like how could those pictures lie? You take pics of things you want to remember. I know I wouldnt be taking no pics of some dude...if anything I would be centering on the child if that was my friends child. I agree 99 sounds fishy....she is hiding the truth. We hide the truth in fear of being caught in shameful acts, she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. I think you provide her with the comfort of being in her comfort zone. I think she was getting something she wasnt getting from you from this other man. Whether it be emotional or not emotional. I feel your pain, worry, and doubts and wanting to believe what she is saying is the truth. But I definitely agree.....it seems like she is hiding something.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

I hired a PI and feel like my wife is a bold faced liar. The PI never seen them kiss or sleep together but he did find out what my wife was doing after she threw me out of the house with the assistance of the police. I bet she would have never told me about the other guy if I did not find the pictures and hire a PI.

The hardest part is I don't feel she is being honest about what happened. She likes to think she has one up on me. I know more happened than what she wants me to believe. I have the gut feeling. (however, I can make assumptions some times, but I just don't feel like this is one of those times.) 

I would rather her tell me the truth and be honest than have myself know she is lying.

If she had feelings for him or whatever and told me the truth, Great... If she made it look like she had feelings for him and then lies about it, not so great.

I would rather have an honest wife that cheated than a dishonest wife who does not have the nerve to admit she cheated. If she wants to live a lie, I guess that is her choice. however, my marriage is important to me and I will not live a life of being a liar to my family.

As a result of this, I feel like I have a wife who cheated that is willing to lie to me about it... that is where I am at in dealing with what happened... Me thinking she was cheating was a problem before this, but now that there is another man who I can place a face and name to, I think it even more than before, I have NO trust for her right now.

I mean, how dumb does she think I am. WHAT MARRIED woman takes pictures of some man they just met THAT DAY? She said my 3 yr old son asked her to take a picture of him... he never did that with any other man my wife was around. This is the ONLY man my wife has pictures of. I could understand her taking one picture maybe but she has 6 photos of him in a stack of 13 pictures from that day. Plus she hid them on her locked computer in the 'sample music' folder... and she didn't tell me about this guy she hung out with and met that day... She came home and put the pics on her computer.. she could have came home and told me she met someone new and took pictures of him, that would have been the thing to do IF there was NOTHING TO HIDE!! If she told me before I seen the photos, then I would believe her right now... She looks so honest when she tells me nothing happened, I am not buying it.

I wish I had some way to convince her I know she is a liar. I wish I could find a way to have her tell me the truth.

(I know I am far from perfect. However, this is why married people should not have friends of the opposite sex, what my wife did may just destroy our marriage)

Being honest can go a long way sometimes. You will NEVER cath me with pictures of some other woman. I don't even make small talk with other women since I have been married. No reason for me to even make friends with another female, I have my wife and my own same sex friends if I need to talk.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

Oh, and it has been 4 months now since this happened... My wife is sick of me bringing up this other guys name all of the time and constantly asking what happened... If I want my marriage to work (feeling like she is a liar), how can I learn to drop this topic and move on? 

Now the fact that I keep asking her questions about what happened is starting arguments... Since I never drop it.

IF she admitted to me what actually happened, I could move forward... Its hard to move forward feeling like I don't have the answers.

When I ask her why she didn't come home and say 'hey, I met this new person and took pictures of him', her response is "I don't know, I didn't think of it" - what the hell?? - Its her **** answers like that which keep me thinking something more than she is telling me happened....

I think she could have just said, I didn't tell you about him because I was throwing you out and didn't think you were smart enough to catch what I was doing... Somewhere, I want her honesty. She is not as innocent as she would like for me to believe, people are just not that way.

So...
I spent the day with my friends and hung out with this other man and our kids played together - but I didn't think to tell my HUSBAND about THIS OTHER MAN I SPENT TIME WITH!!!! - by that she makes it sound like she has something to hide... I can't stand her, Im just dumb act about this whole incident.

So now, when I ask about what happened. She says she doesnt think of him at all, he was just some guy she met. He means nothing to her and she is tired of me bringing up the topic and us arguing about it. She says she does not even think of him unless I bring him up.... Im tired of thinking about it too. I need to feel satisfied. I just feel like she is hiding something from me. How do I trust her?

What should I do????


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Arrange for her to take a lie detector test. Even if she looks at you differently afterwards. Tell her that if she is telling the truth, you will never question her word again. Have her actually go through with it and ask her not only did she ever sleep with him, but did she ever do anything inappropriate with him. You are not going to rest until you know one way or another. I'm betting that she won't actually go through with it because she has done more with this man than she is admitting to you.


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## Father (Nov 15, 2010)

Hey 99, Lets look at your facts in a timeline.

1. You got married and stopped being available to her.
2. She got bored waiting for you. She began paying less attention to you and avoided you out of resentment.
3. She begins the late nights out and may be starting to get involved in an affair. She is always too busy for you. 
4. You began getting upset due to the lack of her availability.
5. You got upset one night in front of her and it either really freaked her out or gave her a reason to proceed.
6. She met someone and took a liking to him. She visited him with your child on a family holiday and took photos of him. You were most likely not even invited to go and she was happy to be going with out you when she left the house.
7. She did not tell you about the encounter she had with this man that day or show you the pictures when she arrived home (this was because this was not the first encounter).
8. She throws you our of your own home with a protection order.
9. You found the photos of this man hidden on her computer and then hire a PI.
10. She started sleeping at the other man's house and he slept in the marital home with your wife and child.
11. She started telling you she wasn't cheating before you even asked (this was out of guilt)
12. She learns you have a PI and you send this man a message on facebook to stay away from your child.
13. After that point, they appear to cease contact with each other. This could be for many reasons.
14. You File for divorce because of what you seen of the other man and at the same time she was suddenly going to have you come back and drop the protection order.
15. You come back, things are great until you drop the divorce. 
16. Arguments start again fueled by the presence of ths other man your wife allowed into the past of the life you share together.

Now What.... Anyone else see what I see?


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## Father (Nov 15, 2010)

One thing you should notice, she will put doubt into all of your facts. That is why you are so confused and don't know what to think about this event. 

Its there. She won't admit it and you won't see it..

Think about it for a minute here. Has she admitted how long she actually knew this guy? or does she deny it and say how little time they knew each other and spent together? Does she have a real logical reason for why she took so many pictures of a man she just met? Did she tell you about what happened or did you have to go looking for it first? Does she admit to sleeping with him when she spent nights with him? (we know there is only one reason for that) She spent nights with a man you do not even know! What a disrespectful wife that makes her appear. She stopped seeing him only once you caught on to her and she knew she was looking at divorce. This woman seems she hates the idea of people knowing she is a **** and will not admit to any wrong doing on her part. She is just an innocent girl in the whole mess and that is how she wants you to look at her. Guilty women will play the dumb and innocent game a lot in moments like this. She doesnt want this getting out to people who know her as she wants. Its not only about admitting the truth to you that bothers her, it's admitting it to everyone else and herself that bothers her the most.

The reason you will not see the truth between the two stories is simple. The truth will hurt and you do not really want to believe that is what actually happened here. I can imagine the images you have in your mind of your wife and this other man. You do not want to believe the person you love so much would betray you in the very worst way possible in a marriage.

If you really want to work it out then just figure she did it and can't admit it and never will. Live with knowing that and move forward. You just have to except that if you still want this woman. If you don't want to do that, then continue to argue your way into another divorce or move on and get a better woman that will actually act loyal and faithful to you. I have been in that place before and I wish you the best of luck.


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## Confused1979 (Jan 4, 2010)

Father said:


> The reason you will not see the truth between the two stories is simple. The truth will hurt and you do not really want to believe that is what actually happened here. I can imagine the images you have in your mind of your wife and this other man. *You do not want to believe the person you love so much would betray you in the very worst way possible in a marriage.**If you really want to work it out then just figure she did it and can't admit it and never will. Live with knowing that and move forward. You just have to except that if you still want this woman.* If you don't want to do that, then continue to argue your way into another divorce or move on and get a better woman that will actually act loyal and faithful to you. I have been in that place before and I wish you the best of luck.


these last two paragraphs are very true....especially the bolded parts. I am feeling this way right now. You will have to move on and look to the future if you want it to work out. Otherwise if you let this hold you back , not knowing all the answers.... it will lead you on the path to divorce. I totally understand the pain of hurt of asking all these questions because your hoping she will slip or give you the true answers. But its causing you more pain feeling and acting this way. So like I said you either have to move forward with or without her. Thats ultimately your decision on whether your willing to let it go or keep on letting you hold it back.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

As TP has said many times here on TAM...

It is a trap to think you will ever know everything about your wife and her affair. If you learn a new truth you will search for another. You will never know the intimate conversations they had. You will never know her inner thoughts when were while they were intimate. There is always something more. In a way, "the Devil is in the details". It will eat you from the inside and destroy hope. At some point you just have to except "it happened" and move forward. Hard, I know personally all to well. This is dirty little secret that counselors know and are reluctant to fully explain early on in reconciliation counseling. When I was told it in general takes 2 to 3 years for a man to recover from his wife's affairs under the best efforts, I could not understand. The process of forgiving and truly excepting are not always on the same schedule. As my counselor said "you'll get there when you get there".


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

So I guess I will never feel I get the truth... 

I won't believe nothing happened between them and I can't believe her when she says nothing happened. Even if it wasn't sex, something compelled her to hang out with HIM. She has other friends/family and herself. She choose to spend time with HIM for SOME reason.

I will have to accept my wife had a desire to spend her time in the pressense of this other guy. She had a comfort in her to sleep in the same house as him. Alone with just him and my son. She made the choice to do that. She knows me and she should love me, but she choose to allow this other guy to be there for her 'need'. She went to sleep while allowing this other man to be in our home with her. Some man I don't even know and have no trust for.

Ive been mean towards my wife in the past, she has done the same to me. I have made some bad choices and not always been affectionate when she needed me to. But I would NEVER throw her out like that and befriend another woman to "talk mostly about our relationship" with my spouse. How dare she discuss us and our problems with some other man. How much could she really love me and do that? She is hiding more to this story than she will share with me. I know she is. She wants me to believe she had no feelings for him, she didn't touch him or do anything intimate with him, she only hung out with him for the kids to play together, They only really talked about each others relationships and music together. He slept at our house but she didn't talk to him and went right to bed that night. She stopped talking to him when she decided for me to come back home. She wants me to believe she fully ceased contact with him. 

How can I believe she isn't talking to him anymore. She has private messages in her facebook account. She deletes the history on her computer. She keeps her phone locked and on her at ALL times. She leaves at night frequestly and it is a fight if she doesnt get to.... How am I supposed to believe nothing is still going on? 

How could she actually love me and not be fully willing to be 200% completely tansparent and open about her actions? If it was flipped, and I really did nothing with this other person, then my computer would be open and no history would be deleted. My wife would have access to my facebook. I would leave my phone out and for her to check whenever she wanted. I would leave my phone unlocked. I would not leave her any room to think I was being secretive at all. I would let her know what I was doing all of the time. I would spend my nights at home with her and I would make sure so had no reason to think anything was still going on.... BUT my wife does not do that. She then gets angry and says we argue a lot and I keeping bring up this topic... I WONDER WHY??? 

I wish she would open her eyes.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

One discrepancy I already noticed in her story of events is she first said they only spent 2 weeks together and were not alone at all without the kids except for one time when they went to get take out food....

Come to find out, I have proof she spent more like 2 months around him, not 2 weeks. She did have a day and a night at his house without our son.

Wouldnt all of her stories match perfectly if there was nothing to hide? 

This is the only provable fault I have found in her story of events so far. 

I need to stop looking, she did it, and to make it worse, she lies about doing it.

IF for some reason she is the perfect angel she says she is, she did one hell of a job making it look like she was having an affair.

I did notice, not one person here said 'I don't think she was having an affair' - perhaps that should say it for me in itself... no one has taken her side in this. I guess that says a lot about her side of the story.

Some how I need to move forward. I hope my wife will some day see just how much I love her and have it matter to her that I do. Am I doing the right thing if I forgive her for having an affair and even lying to me after?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Sorry to hear you're still conflicted with this mess. 

You do need to move on mentally. You do no one, including yourself, any good by continuing to hash and rehash this. 

Have you considered that your wife may be beating herself up more and just not showing it?

These affair messes fog both sides thinking and do no one any good. If you still love her and it appears that you do and it appears that you do, get over this. But be vigilant and as Reagan says "Trust - but verify".

I wish you luck and hold it together man. 

PB
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She'll cheat on you again. You never resolved what caused her to cheat and both of you are just brushing everything under the rug. Well she is and you're going along with it to keep the calm and hope that life goes back to the norm.

She basically has your manhood in her hand and is pulling the strings around of what should happen and how things are gonna be from now on. And you're so afraid that you're allowing her to walk all over you at this point just to keep her. At some point you're gonna have to grab your manhood back and make a stand or else you're the resentment is gonna grow on your part which will only fuel her resentment and then you both will hate each other but stay together for what ever pitiful reason.

If you want the truth, demand the truth because you need closure. But with the truth will come even more pain, hurt and anger so get ready for it. Without the truth you'll just hate her guts more and more everyday until you snap. It's a double edge sword.

You have 3 options, let things be and start hating one another more and more each day. Get her to tell the truth and hopefully you both can move past it and work together to make a better marriage. Or kick her to the curb and be done with it.

I would go with option #2, and if she doesn't put in the effort to make the marriage work, use option #3 and show her out the door. Or you can stick with option #1 and wait until she does it again once whatever caused her to cheat builds up again.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

How do I get her to tell me the truth? She swore on our sons life that nothing happened with this other guy! Could she be being honest then?

If not, What can I do to get her to express the truth? She says nothing happened and that is the truth.


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## Someone99 (Nov 11, 2010)

However, I do agree. My wife is just brushing this under the rug like nothing happened and it was no big deal. It's a big deal to me! She acts like she did nothing wrong. She said her lawyer said she could hang out with him. The only thing she says is she will admit it was wrong for her to hang out with him and sleep at each other's houses.... but nothing happened - sexual or emotional - according to her. Since nothing happened, this is not a big deal in her world.

I say it looks like something happened and this is a big deal. She will say she didn't even look at him 'that way'. 

Is she telling me the truth or is she just making it look like no big deal so she can keep me full of doubt about it?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey Someone~

Thanks for giving a whistle and pointing out your thread to me. As you might imagine, I write and respond to people ALL DAY!  So I've read and re-read your thread to get a picture that's as full as possible, and I have these thoughts. 

Just to recap, you and your wife have been married about 5 years. Your wife had a little EA-type thing about 2 years into the marriage with someone from college. By your own words "I worked a lot and wasn't really available to my wife. We did have sex at his time and it was often. After a while she started to say things like sex is the only way to get my attention." During this EA, you filed for divorce and sole custody. You two went to marriage counseling and never did get divorced; she quit school and that basically ended the EA, but she says it's because you forced her to quit basically. 

THEN she got a new job and made friends with a lady you didn't like. You felt like she was gone at this friend's house too much and you two started fighting about that. Long story short, she found/met another man who treated her nice and didn't yell, and she began an EA with him. She's doing stuff like staying out late, going to out on holidays, and one day you wake up to police knocking at your door--she filed a protective order and you are asked to leave your own home. 

Thinking quickly you grab her laptop as you move out, crack the password, and find some evidence of infidelity. During this time there's court drama (finding MJ in your system, supervised visitation, etc) and you hire a PI to find out the truth. The PI sees her spend the night at the OM's house, and sees the OM spend the night at your house. You contact the OM and say "I love my wife and I'm fighting for my marriage--stay away from my kid!" and the dude more or less disappears. A month later she drops the protective order and you go home but when you ask her if she had an affair she says "no" and you think she's lying. You want to MAKE her tell "the truth." 

Is that basically right? Got my facts straight (more or less)? I'll assume there may be a smallish discrepancy here or there but that's the overall view, okay? Here are my thoughts:

*First*--I would say your wife had at least and EA (that may or may not have gone all the way to a PA), and she kicked you out of the house so she could carry on her affair without interference. Last time she had an EA, you filed for sole custody and to her that was a threat to take away her child, so she pretty much over-reacted to be sure she got the house and kid. My guess is that shortly after you contacted the OM and told him to back off, that he dumped her because he was in it for some action, not for the hassle. Who wants the drama of a freaky husband, right? So he dumped her and after a while she had no other alternative so she took you back. That is my educated guess. 

*Second*--Using your own words, you have not been kindling love in your wife. Not only that but you have been extinguishing what love she did/does have for you. Think of the love in your marriage like a fire. There are actions you can do that make the love blaze and burn hotter: those actions are Love Kindlers. There are action you can do that douse the fire and put it out: those actions are Love Extinguishers. When you two first met, she admired you, made herself look pretty for you, was interested in sex (wanted you), and enjoyed your company--love kindlers see? And you were took the time to listen to her, told her about your feelings, showed her affection, and enjoyed just having her there! Those things gradually stopped, and in their place cropped up actions that put the fire out! 

Here are some Love Extinguishers that you yourself said you do: "I worked a lot and wasn't really available to my wife." "...sex is the only way to get my attention." "...hurt that I was trying to 'take our child' from her." "...I get angry and how im not supportive of what my wife wants " "...lack of compromise, I thought I was right..." "...it was due to my pressure of wanting her home" "...she wished I was like her friends husband and wished that I would do things with her" just to name a few. Now I do know that often this is hard to hear and you may take it like I'm blaming you for your wife's affair. NOPE. What I'm saying is that these are the behaviors that laid the groundwork to making your wife vulnerable to another man. Acting this way sort of opened the door. 

*Third*--All of this infidelity and divorcing and going to court has *really* been a mess, but here you are where you are now. From what I can see, after the first EA, both of you were too stubborn to look at your own contributions and change, so really nothing changed. Because neither one of you was willing to change...along came the second EA. Right this moment, you two are living together and there isn't an active affair, but right this moment, your main focus is almost exclusively on "GETTING THE TRUTH" Like RWB, though, I'm going to tell you right up front that in order to recover your marriage and build one that doesn't end up in unfaithfulness you don't necessarily need "The Truth." Okay yes--it would be nice if she was remorseful and would stop covering things up and be open. But you don't necessarily need to know every detail in order to proceed with fixing your marriage! So I suggest that rather than focusing obsessively on "the truth" that you focus instead on two things: 1) work to fix the marriage and 2) work to demonstrate that she is safe to tell you the truth.

To do #1, I would suggest looking at the links I gave you for Love Kindlers and Love Extinguishers. After you look at those two, you have a choice. You can say to yourself, "Yeah BUT..." (as in, "Yeah but it's hard to be affectionate when she's not having sex with me" or "Yeah but she doesn't kindle for me so why should I kindle for her") or you can make the decision to do the right thing and be the man you should be whether SHE does it back or not! If she chooses to do something wrong, that doesn't justify you doing something wrong too! So just do the right right whether she does or not. You know that working so much hurts your marriage, so actually sit and figure out how to still pay your bills but how to increase time you spend with her! You know that she feels like sex is the only way to get your attention, so figure out a way to give her your undivided time and focus! See what I mean? If you make the other choice--the "Yeah BUT..." I'll just tell you now that your marriage will fail. 

To do #2, here's what I mean. Suppose she came to you right now and said, 'Yep, I had an affair. I was madly in love with him because he treated me nice, and we had hot, passionate sex on the couch and at his house." According to your own words, the marriage counseling didn't work because (quote) "......I get angry..." so my guess is that if she *did* admit to what she did, rather than being told "I am very angry right now but I do appreciate that you were honest with me" but rather that she would be screamed at and called names and be blamed. So in her head she thinks, "it is not safe telling the truth so I'm avoiding that!" What you want to do is to act in a way that let's her know that if she does tell the truth, she won't be subjected to verbal abuse; she's safe. This means that you will have to control yourself. 

And in the end, that is going to be the largest part of my advice to you. Someone--your wife is not here. She's not one of the disloyal spouses we have here coming on our site saying, "Hey I'd like to rebuild love for my husband but I still have feelings for my OM! Help me!" Nope--YOU are here so YOU are the one I'm going to talk to about the things you have done to harm your marriage. If you can change your side, it will likely confuse her and then as she feels more safe, you can show her how she can changer herself the same way that you changed yourself.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Someone99 said:


> How do I get her to tell me the truth? She swore on our sons life that nothing happened with this other guy! Could she be being honest then?
> 
> If not, What can I do to get her to express the truth? She says nothing happened and that is the truth.


I swore on my mom's life that I wasn't having an affair....


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

SomeOne,

It is hard. People make huge mistakes. We all are do wrongs. If you love show mercy. You can never be wrong by showing mercy. AC/TP are real people and they know in the end if you show mercy and love you have done all you can do. It doesn't always "work" they way it should, so... You need to listen to Martina McBride "Do it Anyway". My Life, Marriage, Family has been blown apart over the past 2 years... but I do it anyway. 

Don't ever quit.


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## ocean29 (Nov 17, 2010)

I am sure you love your woman and neither you can live with her NOR you can leave her.
Best solution- Pls try to forgive her, not that you are forgiving her forever, Just forgive her, be very nice to her and just wait to see if she still cheats. BUT pls make sure that whatever you get to know in future should be very true (Should not be assumptions), and if she still does it. Go ahead and think of living life with a woman who respect ur feelings and love, if your destiny can take you with someone in future. Life is beautiful, don't waste it in this garbage. 

Give her a last chance, but this time USE mind more than your Heart. And if things do not go well, don't insult yourself and your love. Leave her if the last chance is also taken for granted.


Please let me know if it makes sense. Thanks.


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