# Keeping custody communications on-point



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I am having a lot of problems talking about our son with my cheating STBXH. My M.O. has been to email or text because often, when we talk on the phone, we argue. Or he'll start asking me questions about my life - my job, how I'm doing, how he wants to see me socially and get together for coffee and talk. I want to avoid that. 

There have been times where he hasn't realized it is his week (say, after we alter the schedule slightly to accommodate his work or mine) so I typically check in with him the day before to make sure he is planning on having our son the next day. He has begun not responding to my emails, forcing me to text and then call him. He has poor boundaries; although I have told him I'm not interested in meeting him socially he keeps steering any phone conversations back to personal stuff (he manipulates the situation to try and force his agenda of us getting back together). 

I called him on keeping his responses regarding our son hostage until I call him. He has said he won't email me anymore because we're going to have to talk, and I should "realize what a big mistake i'm making" by letting him go I'm assuming?

How do you keep your conversations on-point?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Why do you have to check in with him to be sure he remembers to take your son, you are not his secretary? I understand you want to make sure your son is taken care of, but he has to step up. 

If there's a risk your son will be left somewhere, or what?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Why do you have to check in with him to be sure he remembers to take your son, you are not his secretary? I understand you want to make sure your son is taken care of, but he has to step up.
> 
> If there's a risk your son will be left somewhere, or what?


He is supposed to pick our son up from daycare to go spend the night with him on his nights. In the past, he has forgotten only once, but I'd rather check in than risk my son being left there until closing time (my son gets more and more upset the closer to closing time as he sees the other parents come get their kids).

He is unreliable and chronically late, and while I don't care if he forgets things in his day to day life, I DO care if it effects my son. He declines to take him about 2 out of the 6 nights a month he requested custody for. Even when we confirm in advance, he's at least 15 minutes late for every pickup.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well, fifteen minutes late is an inconvenience and rude, but it won't get you anywhere.

So just be sure you are aware that you are choosing to be manipulated by him. I get you're concerned about your son. And of course you aren't controlling his actions, but you know what those actions are going to be, and you maintain the same level of contact. You want to change his behavior and I doubt that will happen until the divorce.


Also, sadly, you can't force a parent to exercise visitation. Mine went an entire year without visitation, and then saw the kids less than a day. You just can't force them to be parents.

Having said all that if you still feel the need to call him, and he starts on getting back together and all, tell him "I'm not talking about that, this is about our son." 
Repeat as needed.


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## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

Some people don't give up when they feel their cause is justified. Maybe he needs a dose of reality. Consider emailing him with:

"We are getting a divorce, period. Meanwhile I have no interest in talking with you about my life, or yours. The only communication I will have with you will be about our son, by email. If you don't agree to these conditions then I will be forced to demand that all further communication be done through our attorneys."


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You cannot change Mr Croc.

Accept it. 

Hard as it may be to realize, you cannot always protect your son from his fathers' ignorance. That is your sons lesson to learn.

Texting or calling him when he hasn't replied to your emails has taught him not to reply.

If he calls, don't answer.

If he texts, don't reply.

If he emails you about anything other than pertinent issues about your son, ignore.

It will take time but he will learn.

I recommend looking into using Our Family Wizard. You can put in your decree that this is mandatory.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> You cannot change Mr Croc.
> 
> Accept it.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that makes a lot of sense actually. I'm making the problem worse. I'll look into Our Family Wizard. I guess I had hoped we would be civilized enough to communicate about our son but emails have been best so far and I need to stick to that.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Could you just live your life like he doesn't exist ?.. Basically expect he isn't going to come or be there and if he does thats great..

Personally that is how I do it with my boys and its been much less stressful for me when dealing with my wife and life in general. I just act like she is dead for the most part.. Prior to this when she would throw a monkey wrench into my life I would fall apart.. Now I just roll with it because I don't expect her to help or depend on her.. 

She helps me out by bringing my youngest to school every day, but if she didn't I would just ask my oldest to do it on his way to school or ask my brother to do it if he can.. 

Next option.. Sounds childish but it's to make a point... Bring a male friend he has no clue about.. Give him the impression your socializing with him and would rather spend time with him getting coffee than your STBXH... 

Sometimes people need a dose of reality..


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree and disagree with HardtoHandle. If I may, he's had a really difficult time with his ex and the kids, so his advice about going forward on you own is wonderful. When you have an ex who is not willing to work together for the kids this is the best you can do.

I will disagree about bringing any third-party into the mix for the purposes of changing how your STBX interacts with you. I think that will just complicate matters. But that's me.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If he's only been late to pick up your son once, it's once. 

Edited told add : noted OP said he's chronically late, but missed pickup once. So, missing once is still once. 

A pattern of very careless behavior might warrant checking in to "confirm" his plans. 15 minutes isn't bad. I often was at daycare until a half hour after closing time, due to traffic, parents in meetings, etc.... I learned to adapt. 

Otherwise my advice would be to leave well enough alone. It might not be pleasant for your son to have to wait, but if your ex is consistent in picking him up, even if late, the anxiety will fade. Kids need consistency, reliance, and structure for sure, but also need to learn to adapt to unplanned events.

(Edited to amend comments based on a part of OPs post I missed.)


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Another benefit of the OFW is the calendar.

It keeps track of whose days are whose. You can even setup alerts so it will notify him when he needs to pick up your son so you don't have to.

The two of you are separate now. He needs to keep track of his own responsibilites, as do you, and it is not your responsibility to ensure that he does what he's supposed to.

Things come up, sure. You'll still need to notify him of things but the normal day-to-day, repetitive things he needs to take care of himself. This is for your growth as much as it is for his.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

This is a screenshot of my calendar. Blue days are mine and green days are hers. 

The question marks are unanswered trade requests. She wanted to trade me her 5/6 - 5/12 for my 4/30 - 5/4. Yes, she wanted to give me Mothers Day. I asked her to verify this then she recanted.

The Family Wizard is good but it doesn't fix stupid.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's also cozi.com and googlecalendar. Talk to son's daycare about the issue and ask them to help him in the event XH doesn't show up; son will figure out eventually not to trust his dad and then it will stop bothering him. btw, is son in therapy?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> There's also cozi.com and googlecalendar. Talk to son's daycare about the issue and ask them to help him in the event XH doesn't show up; son will figure out eventually not to trust his dad and then it will stop bothering him. btw, is son in therapy?


I hesitate put in too many details about my son really, but let's just say he's below the age at which therapy would be appropriate.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he's 2 or older, therapy is appropriate to help him understand. Children's therapy. You say he already has anxiety issues. Get him help with a play doctor.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Well, things just became a little trickier. After no response from him for a week on this upcoming weekends arrangements and other insurance stuff I needed a response on, I sent an email saying I get he is busy, but this is not stuff you can put off until later. Memorial Day is this weekend. Kindly respond. He basically said he will discuss things face to face or over the phone or not at all. We can never be civil face to face and he will try and bring up getting back together so I said if we can't remain civil, I thought except in cases of emergency, email was sufficient unless one of us wants to talk to our son directly. My lawyer confirmed this was fine legally and that he can't dictate to me that we meet. He still refuses to use an online schedule. He won't respond to my emails. How do I talk some sense into him?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

He clearly still things he has a way to play with you. I made my xW just write letters and if she missed getting the kids well then she didn't get them that weekend. The only way I would take a call is if it was a emergency. Your just going to have to stick to your guns. If its things that have to be signed send them to him in a certified letter and if he doesn't deal with them then you sadly will probably have to go back to court. I took my xW back twice so far. 

I know its hard but you have to learn how to deal with his just as if he was a stranger and not your xH. 

Clay


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Joanna, 

This is really relatively easy. Envision he is the stockman at the grocery store or the postman. You are not legally required to meet him any more than you would be legally required to meet with the postman. If the postman tried to intimidate you into "having to meet with him" then you'd laugh in his face and not take it very seriously, right?

Soooo...you can not force him to reply to email or use the calendar any more than he can force you to meet him face-to-face. He is an adult and can make his own choices, even if they are stupid ones, and this one is. So email him today and say something like this: 

"This is the final email notification I will send regarding custody arrangements this weekend. If I do not have a reply by 6pm (your timezone) on 5/20 or have notification via (insert calendar program here), I will assume you will NOT have custody of son this weekend and make plans accordingly. I will also document the number of times you refuse your custody times and make appropriate changes to the child support calculations in our divorce order." 

PERIOD. 

Then let him do whatever he chooses to do. If he chooses to have his son, he will need to respond in some way (email or calendar) by 6pm tonight. If he refuses, you have proof that you attempted to notify him MANY times and proof he did not respond...and YOU make plans as if you'll have your son. Then if he just magically shows up...you can call your lawyer or call police, etc. 

Finally, from this point forward, enforce the EXACT PARENTING PLAN from the court, period. No swapping. No trading. Enforce what is written down (since he wants to make things his way and thinks he's above the law). Thus you have YOUR weeks. He has the choice to have his weeks or forfeit them. If he tries to swap you say "No this week is my week, and you have next week if you choose to follow the court order."

See....the court order is ENFORCEABLE, meaning that it's not you being a meanie. The court and the judge and law enforcement do have the ability to FORCE him to do what he does not want to do. If he doesn't want custody on his weeks, he can pay you more child support for being responsible on his time. If he DOES want custody on his weeks, he can not force you to meet him face-to-face; he is a postman to you now. YOU get to decide what sort of interaction with him you are willing to accept, and YOU said you want email or calendar. He can even choose which he prefers: email or calendar. But he can not force you!! Follow the order, because the court CAN force him. Make sense?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Joanna,
> 
> This is really relatively easy. Envision he is the stockman at the grocery store or the postman. You are not legally required to meet him any more than you would be legally required to meet with the postman. If the postman tried to intimidate you into "having to meet with him" then you'd laugh in his face and not take it very seriously, right?
> 
> ...


excellent advice

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Whenever you send an e-mail to him, send it to both his e-mail address and the e-mail address used by his provider for SMS forwarding. For example, if he uses Verizon, the e-mail address will be [email protected] (no dashes in the number).

Sprint uses @messaging.sprintpcs.com
ATT uses @txt.att.net
T-Mobile uses @tmomail.net

Not sure about other providers. Maybe call tech support for his provider and ask them.

Anyway, if the e-mail is long enough, it should get broken down into 2 or more texts that he'll receive back to back to back. That will make it difficult for him to ignore your e-mails.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Whenever you send an e-mail to him, send it to both his e-mail address and the e-mail address used by his provider for SMS forwarding. For example, if he uses Verizon, the e-mail address will be [email protected] (no dashes in the number).
> 
> Sprint uses @messaging.sprintpcs.com
> ATT uses @txt.att.net
> ...


Oooo. I like that. Thanks for the advice! I didn't even know that was possible.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> Joanna,
> 
> This is really relatively easy. Envision he is the stockman at the grocery store or the postman. You are not legally required to meet him any more than you would be legally required to meet with the postman. If the postman tried to intimidate you into "having to meet with him" then you'd laugh in his face and not take it very seriously, right?
> 
> ...


Thanks, that's a helpful perspective. By giving a deadline I give him reasonable ability to get back to me, but when he doesn't I have a plan in place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what my IC told me to do with my H, too. He's really bad about making us wait, or taking places we didn't agree to go to, etc. My mom went with me and him one time, and he took us to 4 or 5 places HE decided we needed to go to, and never asked us if we wanted to. She said she'd never go anywhere with him again, that she felt like a prisoner, with no control.

Anyway, IC said to take back your control over your own life. If he can't make it on time to the PTA meeting, so what? YOU are going by yourself; he can miss it if he wants, but YOU won't. That kind of thing. What situations like that can you find in your life, where you can separate what needs to be done from whether or not he participates appropriately?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree 100% with the advice to send the info, ask for a response within a reasonable amount of time, tell him what the consequence will be ("I will assume you don't want to pick son up". . . or whatever)

Do your own thing; live your own life. Anything that needs his agreement and involves $$, send to the attorney. Otherwise, give him a choice: "REspond or you are consenting for me to do such and such." Document--make sure to keep copies (screenshots, email archive, etc) when you send something that requires a response. 

You can also insist on a neutral drop off/pick up site (with a trusted friend or relative to keep your son until dad arrives, for example) so you can completely avoid ever having to see him. The more you can isolate yourself from contact with him, the better. He will view any lapse as "weakening." A strong, consistent, no-contact position is what you need to set and maintain.

Good luck!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I continue to stick to my guns, but recently he is becoming frightening. He continues to call to talk to our son and I pass the phone directly to our son, but he'll get our son involved and ask him to pass the phone to me. Inevitably talking on the phone ends in an argument so I continue to tell him when he does this that I can't talk on the phone and that he can email or text unless it is important. He is very insistent that we need to talk on the phone to be good parents. I have tried everything I can think of. I've suggested going to a parent coordinator to work out whatever "communication issues" he thinks we have together in front of a professional. He refused. The other night I got about 20 calls after our son was clearly in bed. I then spent the night on edge expecting him to go to the next level of crazy like breaking in or something. I sured up our security as best as I could in our rental. Tonight it was only 6 calls before he stopped. Then the manipulative texts started, I'm trying to help us, a good conversation is a good place to start. I asked him what I was doing that fell outside of the confines of civil conversation. He said he wants more small talk. I said no. And the dance continues. I am not going to cave. I will not pick up. Should I be scared this will escalate? So far only 2 days of many phone calls. Crossing my fingers these are isolated. He never says anything threatening but I am starting to worry about where this will go once he realizes I won't talk on the phone.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> I continue to stick to my guns, but recently he is becoming frightening. He continues to call to talk to our son and I pass the phone directly to our son, but he'll get our son involved and ask him to pass the phone to me. Inevitably talking on the phone ends in an argument so I continue to tell him when he does this that I can't talk on the phone and that he can email or text unless it is important. He is very insistent that we need to talk on the phone to be good parents. I have tried everything I can think of. I've suggested going to a parent coordinator to work out whatever "communication issues" he thinks we have together in front of a professional. He refused. The other night I got about 20 calls after our son was clearly in bed. I then spent the night on edge expecting him to go to the next level of crazy like breaking in or something. I sured up our security as best as I could in our rental. Tonight it was only 6 calls before he stopped. Then the manipulative texts started, I'm trying to help us, a good conversation is a good place to start. I asked him what I was doing that fell outside of the confines of civil conversation. He said he wants more small talk. I said no. And the dance continues. I am not going to cave. I will not pick up. Should I be scared this will escalate? So far only 2 days of many phone calls. Crossing my fingers these are isolated. He never says anything threatening but I am starting to worry about where this will go once he realizes I won't talk on the phone.


Turn off your cell phone when you have your son.

You could also look into transitioning your phone number to a VoIP service like Google Voice, which will offer a ton of call filtering and call blocking options.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Turn off your cell phone when you have your son.
> 
> You could also look into transitioning your phone number to a VoIP service like Google Voice, which will offer a ton of call filtering and call blocking options.


My lawyer said I can't do anything that would read as me denying him communication with our son. Unfortunately I think that might include turning off my phone. 

I am reading about Google voice now, though, and some of the features sound like they could be really helpful - thanks so much for the suggestion! Just a techie question, though, - should I be "porting" or getting Google voice lite to get the option to block his number at certain times of day?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> My lawyer said I can't do anything that would read as me denying him communication with our son. Unfortunately I think that might include turning off my phone.


Once he's spoken w/ your son for the evening, turn off the phone.



joannacroc said:


> I am reading about Google voice now, though, and some of the features sound like they could be really helpful - thanks so much for the suggestion! Just a techie question, though, - should I be "porting" or getting Google voice lite to get the option to block his number at certain times of day?


You'd have to port your number over to Google Voice (or whichever service you wind up using), which means that, if you're still under contract w/ your carrier, you could wind up paying an early termination fee.

Conversely, you could just get a Google Voice account (it's free), and then configure it to forward calls and texts to your current phone number. Then you'd tell your STBXH that you've changed your number, and give him the new number. Note, though, if he figures out that you haven't actually changed your number, he could just start calling you and texting you all over again.

What you might do is check w/ your current carrier and ask them if you could pay an extra 5 or 10 bucks a month for a feature that might help you w/ configuring your line w/ certain filtering options. Verizon, for example, offers something called FamilyBase for an additional $5/mo. I've not dug too deeply into all of its features, but I do know that it includes some call blocking features.

And, actually, what kind of phone do you use? Does your son have a cell phone as well?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> My lawyer said I can't do anything that would read as me denying him communication with our son. Unfortunately I think that might include turning off my phone.
> 
> 
> 
> I am reading about Google voice now, though, and some of the features sound like they could be really helpful - thanks so much for the suggestion! Just a techie question, though, - should I be "porting" or getting Google voice lite to get the option to block his number at certain times of day?



Sometimes what your lawyer tells you isn't in your best interest. 

That being said, I don't think you have much to worry about. These types are usually all bark and no bite. 

Not to mention that if this were to go to court you could prove that he was harassing you above and beyond the calls to your child. 

Be strong. Stick to your boundaries. This is very important going forward.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It is not all unreasonable to spell out in an agreement, the time and frequency of a parent's communication with a child. STBX gets one call a night, at say 7pm. That's it. Anything more is harassment and warrants an order of protection.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

joannacroc said:


> I continue to stick to my guns, but recently he is becoming frightening. He continues to call to talk to our son and I pass the phone directly to our son, but he'll get our son involved and ask him to pass the phone to me. Inevitably talking on the phone ends in an argument so I continue to tell him when he does this that I can't talk on the phone and that he can email or text unless it is important. He is very insistent that we need to talk on the phone to be good parents. I have tried everything I can think of.


No, you haven't.

You haven't done the ONE thing that will make a difference - HANG UP.

HE is insistent? So what? You're a grown woman. Do what a grown woman does - be grown up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

joannacroc said:


> My lawyer said I can't do anything that would read as me denying him communication with our son. Unfortunately I think that might include turning off my phone.


I guarantee you, your lawyer did NOT mean letting him harass you.

Are you keeping a notebook and writing down every single phone call, to show that you are being harassed?

Why not? This is war, joanna. Stop behaving as though he is on your side. Your kid needs you to stop.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

joannacroc said:


> I continue to stick to my guns, but recently he is becoming frightening. He continues to call to talk to our son and I pass the phone directly to our son, but he'll get our son involved and ask him to pass the phone to me. Inevitably talking on the phone ends in an argument so I continue to tell him when he does this that I can't talk on the phone and that he can email or text unless it is important. He is very insistent that we need to talk on the phone to be good parents. I have tried everything I can think of. I've suggested going to a parent coordinator to work out whatever "communication issues" he thinks we have together in front of a professional. He refused. The other night *I got about 20 calls after our son was clearly in bed*. I then spent the night on edge expecting him to go to the next level of crazy like breaking in or something. I sured up our security as best as I could in our rental. *Tonight it was only 6 calls *before he stopped. *Then the manipulative texts started*, I'm trying to help us, a good conversation is a good place to start. I asked him what I was doing that fell outside of the confines of civil conversation. He said he wants more small talk. I said no. And the dance continues. I am not going to cave. I will not pick up. Should I be scared this will escalate? So far only 2 days of many phone calls. Crossing my fingers these are isolated. He never says anything threatening but I am starting to worry about where this will go once he realizes I won't talk on the phone.


Here is the way this works. Do you see the parts I bolded? The 20 calls, the 6 call and the manipulative texts? You get your phone bill and you print out the part that shows where your calls came from, and you highlight each call from him after Xpm in yellow highlighter. You find a way to print out the texts. You compile ALL of the calls after Xpm (whatever your son's bedtime is) and all the texts. You print a copy of the emails, texts, etc. where you have asked him to please call son before Xpm, and to stop calling you. You gather evidence together to SHOW...PROVE the pattern of taking advantage of "parenting communication" to harass you. 

Then you go to the divorce court and you ask for a civil injunction. Show the judge your evidence--printed stuff--and you as for a civil injunction which is not a restraining order, but it is a thing that a divorce judge can add to the temporary order to say "You will call only your son, you will call only before 9pm and you will not call her." You will need to define what would be acceptable communication, but since he has clearly demonstrated he will not abide by your reasonable requests, I'd suggest NO phone or text--email only so that you always have written proof of every interaction. (As an example, I did a parenting calendar online and a Parenting Notebook that went in the kids' backpack and we could write notes back and forth to each other such as: "The kids have a baseball game on Saturday"). 

Now as I mentioned, this is not a Protective Order, so no police would enforce it, BUT if he continues to call after the judge orders it, then you can motion for contempt and it pisses off the judge. 

So stop dancing the darn dance! Get serious and send a written request to stop harassing you by phone and to only call YOUR SON before Xpm. Send it to him certified return receipt and keep the card when he signs (or if he doesn't you have proof you tried to notify him and he refused to cooperate). Then get a civil injunction. 

If protecting yourself legally is not something you are willing to do, I would suggest at minimum a) send a letter indicating that after your son is in bed, you will but turning off the phone so stop calling you, and b) request a Parenting Coordinator. This is a court-appointed person who helps people who are not co-parenting well. He would have to talk to the COORDINATOR...not you. It's like a buffer between the two of you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> I am having a lot of problems talking about our son with my cheating STBXH. My M.O. has been to email or text because often, when we talk on the phone, we argue. Or he'll start asking me questions about my life - my job, how I'm doing, how he wants to see me socially and get together for coffee and talk. I want to avoid that.
> 
> There have been times where he hasn't realized it is his week (say, after we alter the schedule slightly to accommodate his work or mine) so I typically check in with him the day before to make sure he is planning on having our son the next day. He has begun not responding to my emails, forcing me to text and then call him. He has poor boundaries; although I have told him I'm not interested in meeting him socially he keeps steering any phone conversations back to personal stuff (he manipulates the situation to try and force his agenda of us getting back together).
> 
> ...


If he will not play ball, use an intemediary?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Read these posts. We've given you information to regain some power in your life. Your kids need you to be brave enough to take that information and act on it. I suspect you are so used to submitting to your STBX that it doesn't occur to you that you can hang-up on him. You can. You can keep track of his inappropriate contacts. Its ok.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@joannacroc, I found this a couple of days ago and thought it might be useful to you...

Use a Silent Ringtone to Ignore Specific Callers to Your iPhone | OSXDaily


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> @joannacroc, I found this a couple of days ago and thought it might be useful to you...
> 
> Use a Silent Ringtone to Ignore Specific Callers to Your iPhone | OSXDaily


Thank you kindly!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...what's the update?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Like clockwork, he'll be fine for a couple of months, then go off the deep end. After a disagreement when I was picking up my son from his place over something silly, he peppered me with calls. I let him talk to our son, then switched off the phone. He turned up at our door, hammering on it aggressively and scaring our son and wouldn't go away. He didn't seem in a balanced state of mind, so I ended up having to call the police. He left before they arrived. They basically said I couldn't get an order of protection since he hadn't made any direct threats. He didn't try to break in. My moving house in a few days might fix things a bit. At the moment we live maybe 5 minutes away from each other. Once I move we'll be further apart, so I'm hoping he'll have a chance to cool down as we'll be about 40 minutes apart. Husband tried at first to block our move, but finally relented. He's hotheaded, but tends to be bad at following through with tasks. In this case it works to my benefit, thank god. I talked to my lawyer. We're working on getting a record together of this sort of behavior, in the event that it escalates. Taking self defense classes now. He's a big guy, and I don't like my odds if it ever came to that, but I have to do what I can to protect my son.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has he ever been checked for a chemical imbalance? If it's like clockwork like that, it may be out of his control (without medication).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get a VAR. The next time that he shows up at your place, turn it on, start recording, and let him know that you're recording him.

That ought to knock the wind out of his sails. Plus, if he does make any threats, you'll have evidence.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> Has he ever been checked for a chemical imbalance? If it's like clockwork like that, it may be out of his control (without medication).


He has ADHD and tends to impulsive as a result, I think. As far as I know he is no longer on meds for it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Been there. Except he sent the police to check on the welfare of a child instead of coming himself. They had to come in and wake her up and ask her if she was OK. Thankfully she was so sleepy she didn't remember it the next day. 

A few more bits of advice I've learned over the years:

- As my attorney AND counselor told me - I"m not his mother. It is not up ot me to keep up with his schedule. If he forgets to pick up his son, then HE needs to pay the late fee at daycare. Your son may be stressed out but if he sees how stressed out his son is, that might make an impression on him.

- Send an email that reiterates a few points:
a) Son goes to bed at ____. Therefore, after that time, you will be turning off your phone.
b) ALL future communication will be in email. Period. Plan on checking email twice a week. If something requires a response in fewer than four days, use text.
c) There will be NO deviation from the custody arrangement unless there is a personal emergency. Such emergency will be communicated in writing via text message as soon as reasonably able. (You don't want to be unreasonable - you may need such exceptions yourself - SOME flexibility is necessary and human.)
d) The ONLY exception to communication is if (son) is injured and REQUIRES MEDICAL ATTENTION (i.e. not falls and scrapes hand, etc.), a phone call as soon as can be reasonably and safely made is required.


The judge determined that for a child aged 10 (at the time she ordered this) three calls a week for 15 minutes and concluding by 9pm was sufficient to be considered "reasonable telephone access". Same with calls regarding your child needing medical attention - that was added by the judge. So was the part about all communication by email. Obviously the judge had experience with parents who abused the orders in the past. And the last bit the judge added was that he OR his "assigns" couldn't come on my street. Not an actual RO but keeps the harassment at bay. So if you have to revisit the order, these are things to keep in mind you may want to add.


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