# I Messed up with the perfect woman



## rgbarnum (Aug 27, 2012)

My W and I have been married just over 5 years. This is her 2nd, and my 3rd. I honestly believe she is the woman i am to spend the rest of my life with. I have a job that takes me away months at a time, and this alone it is not the reason I am now fighting for my marriage. When I met her I followed her to southern Ill and we later married, employment caused us to move back to Texas and she supported and followed me for the good of our family. And as stated I am gone a lot for long periods of time.

Two years ago I violated her trust when I had started talking to an old friend from my teen years. We never "hooked up" but we talked and text a lot, and as things go my wife came aware of this and arguments ensued. At first I defended myself claiming it was not sexual, which it wasn't, but there had been flirting and constant communication. After this I had stopped talking to my past friend cause of what it had done to my wife.

About a year ago she told me she wanted to move back to Illinois to be with her family for support and take the kids with her. This crushed me, and I behaved selfishly about not wanting her to go, even though I was gone a lot. As time passed I had come to terms with this, we were not splitting up, she was going to move back to Ill and I would stay in Texas and work so we could buy a house and she would transfer her business up there and once established I would quit my job in TX and follow her once again. The plan is to move up there this December during school break and while I am home from Washington where i am currently working.

During this time while gone again, I was contacted by another past friend. I have no attraction to this woman at all but we took our chats to far. A couple weeks after I got home we continued to text and my wife saw these on my phone. I did not defend myself but started with the usual BS when your caught, then she informed me, she too was talking to someone. For the time, my wife and I were doing good, and she even suggested to keep up the texting and such to add a bit of spice to our relationship. Just never go beyond the texting, and we had not. I think the guy she was talking to wanted to actually meet up with her and at that point she deemed it had went to far. And after that we had a long talk that this was not going to be good and we agreed to stop the "talking" with other people.

Now, 6 weeks ago, back in washington, I was talking to someone, that we both know, through a phone app game, and as we talked she came on very strong and I gave little resistance to how the sexual content went. This went on for maybe a week and we chatted on the messanger some and it was fairly graphic. I did stop the conversation really feeling how wrong I was but did not get rid of it through the messanger. My wife found a conversation on there, and understandably went balistic. My wife with cause stated she wanted a divorce. And after a couple of days talking she stopped the divorce talk, and I came to accept any "tongue lashing" about this when ever she gave it. I did not and am not even trying to defend nor justify my actions. 

Because of this I have purged my facebook, phone or anything that might cause doubt to my wife, and show total commitment to her. We had been talking more, planning the move and talking about the future in Illinois once we are all up there. We even found some houses that peeked our interests. I thought things were looking on the upside but still knew I had many days ahead of me to show her I am commited to her and earn the trust back.

This last week she had went north to view some houses and she found one we both loved. While still looking at other houses, I questioned who she had gone and seen a house with. This really set her off bad, cause of what happened last month. It really sounded as if I was accusing her of something. 

Now, she is wanting a divorce again, says she doesnt like me, and even though I thought things were going as well as can be expected, I was told that was just her trying to deal with it. Our main focus is and will be our kids, but she says she will just move up there rent a house and handle it all alone. And where as two days ago she openly said she loves me, can not do it today. 

After many hours of talking and yelling, her at me, she says we can stay married, buy the house and we will remain parents together and our previous plans about her establishing her business so I can move up there as well. Even me live in the house but differant room.

She goes from no way could she ever be with me, to I can not be with you right now. Says any compliment I do give her will always mean nothing, to will mean nothing right now. 

I almost went the begging route with her but quickly stopped it. At this point any negetive she points out to me I let her know it is justly deserved. I have not promised her the "I will change" speech, but rather told her if she doesnt care i will care for both of us, and if she is done trying, I will try for both of us. I also told her i will uphold my vowes to cherish and support her, so yes, I am still going to buy the house and help launch her business. Pretty much thats about a 30 year commitment right there, but also to ensure my kids have a nice place to live and be cared for. I am also holding a lot of hope that her and I still have a chance and for me to make this right.

My confusion would be if this is a process of sorts a betrayed spouse goes through, are we really done, or is there a chance for me to be that man she feel in love with. 

I have never physically been with another woman while married to my wife, but that does little i suppose cause of the graphic conversations i had. 

Anybody that has insight or differant perspective to this I would be more than willing to listen.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

It is a very strange story because both of you did have "fun" talks with others. If you both can realize what you really want, then it is possible for you to be together like the old times. You just need to know if thats really what you want, and the same for her.


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## rgbarnum (Aug 27, 2012)

Chiben, i am positive that is what I want, hate to say mid life crisis, but that is would it very well could be (for me). My confusion is reading what she wants. I have seen, and know of people have endured a lot more than this and came out strong.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Did you talk to her about this? About what she really wants? It sounds like she is angry with you but also getting better at it.


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## rgbarnum (Aug 27, 2012)

we did talk, quite a bit. we talked very well today about the kids, moving and such. but when i would mention my intentions and even telling her to check any and all comunications she just says she doesnt care, and even if i was talking to someone else doesnt care about that either. She says she just wants to be happy, take care of the kids, move to illinois and grow her business, and doesnt matter either way if i am there or not


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

its best if you two just move on from one another. I am not sure what to tell you i just gave my opinion. Sounds like their is no trust and you never were really into the marriage.


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## rgbarnum (Aug 27, 2012)

I am very into the marriage, just didnt handle the whole moving to illinois thing very well. and am very commited to making it right. I reckon I the one who hardened her heart and just hoping i can get back in


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

rgbarnum said:


> I am very into the marriage, just didnt handle the whole moving to illinois thing very well. and am very commited to making it right. I reckon I the one who hardened her heart and just hoping i can get back in


I hope you succeed. At the moment, she seems indifferent.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

" *I am still going to buy the house and help launch her business*. Pretty much thats about a 30 year commitment right there, but also to ensure my kids have a nice place to live and be cared for. I am also holding a lot of hope that her and I still have a chance and for me to make this right."

Do that and kiss your marriage goodbye. 

You need counseling, not giving into her demands. 

Shes either with you or she ain't, theres no two ways or reconfiguring.

This is pretty black and white, shes in the marriage or shes not. 
If you allow anything else you emasculate yourself in her eyes.


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