# I hate being married to my wife



## jamex

I [34] have been with my wife [28] for 8 years, married for 3, and we have a 6 year old child together. I want to start this off by saying I _know_ that I have made mistakes. I wish I would have known (or admitted to myself) sooner. 

Our relationship started off differently than most. We met online and due to circumstances of studying abroad we couldn't meet in person for 15 months, when she came back home. We ended up forming a relationship anyway with daily skype calls lasting hours, texting, facetime, etc. We met each other 15 months into the "relationship", moved in together 3 months later and 6 months after moving in together she was pregnant. Not my finest moment (more like year). We had been talking for so long that I felt like I knew her and loved her, but really I didn't. You can't know someone from a screen. 

As soon as that pregnancy test showed two pink lines I knew we had made a mistake (she didn't see it that way). I tried to step up and do the right thing. We had our daughter and life went on. My wife brought up marriage and engagement all the time. She really wanted to be married and I constantly blew it off, changed the subject or straight out said no. She was miserable and embarrassed, she felt like I didn't love her, didn't want to be with her, that she wasn't good enough, wasn't attractive enough, couldn't do anything right. Some of it was true... I didn't want to be with her. But we had this child and I wanted to keep our family intact, solely for that reason. 

When we fought I'd say/let it slip that we were only together because of the child. My wife got upset and I'd take it back. I didn't have the balls to walk away. 

We did get married along the way. Completely on a whim and I regret it. We went to city hall, it wasn't what she wanted at all. She wanted the big dream wedding, I just wanted to get it over with. I'm at the point where I just cannot do it anymore. I hate being married to her. I try to slap on a happy face but I'm not winning any acting awards. She thinks that I just don't like her, not attracted to her, etc. She has been fighting for this marriage for so long. She is always on her "best behaviour" to try and make me happy, she initiates sex and I just turn her down, she tries new things for me. She thought it was because she gained some weight (10lb maybe) and started starving herself. She's a people pleaser, she always has been, and in her world nothing she does can make her husband happy. It's me, not her. I never should have married her. 

It was never as clear to me as it is now, that I can't be married to her. I recently got a different job and there are a couple women who are interested in me. I haven't acted on it, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. Telling her I want a divorce will hurt her enough, I don't want to add an affair on top of that.

How do I break this to her, or do I suck it up and deal with an unhappy marriage and try to make the best out of it? She is a really good woman and a great mother to our daughter, but she isn't the woman for me. I feel horrible and I know I'm a jackass. She is the perfect woman for someone, probably a lot of men, and I feel like I'm ruining her.


----------



## prunus

No, what you do is be honest with yourself and her. You no longer want to make your marriage work because you think you have other women interested in you. Typical. That's what your post is really about. It has nothing to do with wanting to keep your marriage. You just want TAM to give you a reason to bail out and leave your marriage. You don't need us, you've pretty much already done it on your own. I for one, won't support your behavior.


----------



## sokillme

jamex said:


> I [34] have been with my wife [28] for 8 years, married for 3, and we have a 6 year old child together. I want to start this off by saying I _know_ that I have made mistakes. I wish I would have known (or admitted to myself) sooner.
> 
> Our relationship started off differently than most. We met online and due to circumstances of studying abroad we couldn't meet in person for 15 months, when she came back home. We ended up forming a relationship anyway with daily skype calls lasting hours, texting, facetime, etc. We met each other 15 months into the "relationship", moved in together 3 months later and 6 months after moving in together she was pregnant. Not my finest moment (more like year). We had been talking for so long that I felt like I knew her and loved her, but really I didn't. You can't know someone from a screen.
> 
> As soon as that pregnancy test showed two pink lines I knew we had made a mistake (she didn't see it that way). I tried to step up and do the right thing. We had our daughter and life went on. My wife brought up marriage and engagement all the time. She really wanted to be married and I constantly blew it off, changed the subject or straight out said no. She was miserable and embarrassed, she felt like I didn't love her, didn't want to be with her, that she wasn't good enough, wasn't attractive enough, couldn't do anything right. Some of it was true... I didn't want to be with her. But we had this child and I wanted to keep our family intact, solely for that reason.
> 
> When we fought I'd say/let it slip that we were only together because of the child. My wife got upset and I'd take it back. I didn't have the balls to walk away.
> 
> We did get married along the way. Completely on a whim and I regret it. We went to city hall, it wasn't what she wanted at all. She wanted the big dream wedding, I just wanted to get it over with. I'm at the point where I just cannot do it anymore. I hate being married to her. I try to slap on a happy face but I'm not winning any acting awards. She thinks that I just don't like her, not attracted to her, etc. She has been fighting for this marriage for so long. She is always on her "best behaviour" to try and make me happy, she initiates sex and I just turn her down, she tries new things for me. She thought it was because she gained some weight (10lb maybe) and started starving herself. She's a people pleaser, she always has been, and in her world nothing she does can make her husband happy. It's me, not her. I never should have married her.
> 
> It was never as clear to me as it is now, that I can't be married to her. I recently got a different job and there are a couple women who are interested in me. I haven't acted on it, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. Telling her I want a divorce will hurt her enough, I don't want to add an affair on top of that.
> 
> How do I break this to her, or do I suck it up and deal with an unhappy marriage and try to make the best out of it? She is a really good woman and a great mother to our daughter, but she isn't the woman for me. I feel horrible and I know I'm a jackass. She is the perfect woman for someone, probably a lot of men, and I feel like I'm ruining her.


Whatever you do DON'T CHEAT ON HER, and support and be a father to your kid. You sound like you take your honor seriously as you have tried to do the "right" thing, if you do those two things you will not be happy, and all the good things you did will blow up.

All I will say is your wife deserves to have a man who loves her too.


----------



## Almost-Done

So you had an unplanned pregnancy and you decided to double down? You marry someone because you love them, not because you want to act and play the role of a husband until it is no longer convenient for you. Divorce is hard on both. I tried to do it in person, but my wife wouldn't meet me. So, I did it via e-mail. Pretty crappy way to do it, but if the person won't meet with you, what can you do. Sit her down in a public place and tell her it's not working and you think it would be best to get a divorce. That may be the best way to do it.


----------



## EleGirl

jamex said:


> ow do I break this to her, or do I suck it up and deal with an unhappy marriage and try to make the best out of it? She is a really good woman and a great mother to our daughter, but she isn't the woman for me. I feel horrible and I know I'm a jackass. She is the perfect woman for someone, probably a lot of men, and I feel like I'm ruining her.


No you don't suck it up. 

Instead tell your wife the truth that she is a good, beautiful, loving woman but you do not love her and cannot go on in this marriage. You take responsibility for this. What you are doing is profoundly cruel and unfair to her. Set her free so that she can find someone who can actually lover her.

Go see an attorney and give her a fair divorce.


----------



## Openminded

You married her for the wrong reason and it's not working. Let her go.


----------



## frusdil

So you were 26 when you met your now wife. Old enough to know that unprotected sex = pregnancy.

You knew when you found out she was pregnant (but be honest, you knew earlier than that, the pregnancy just rammed it home that now you're tied to her in some form permanently) but you stayed then anyway. Despite the fact that you knew you did not love her, you married her anyway.

Buddy - you've made your bed, lie in it. Now you have to live with the decisions that you made - when you were more than old enough to know better. If you think divorce will fix all your problems think again. Your world will become one big list of mediation, court dates, child support, custody hearings/arrangements, followed by the eventual reality of your wife moving on and another man likely spending more time with your child than you. If you're lucky enough to get 50/50 custody, you're still essentially giving up half of your child's childhood. Are you prepared for that??

The grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilised with BS. Turn your attention to your self admitted perfect woman, the one who loves you, moved to be with you and gave birth to your child.


----------



## arbitrator

*If you want out of this marriage, it's going to absolutely cost you! Big time!

Division of property, child support, spousal support, et. al.

But even then, that might be the cheapest way out for you!

And once divorced, if you ever do decide to marry again in the future, just make good damned and sure that you are totally and unselfishly in love with her first!

And she with you!*


----------



## GuyInColorado

People get divorced every day with kids. I was one of them 6 months ago. It sucks. Hardest thing you'll ever do. But if your miserable, it's totally worth it.


----------



## aine

Leave the other women aside, that is stupid and selfish.
AND far away fields are not always greener.

Focus on the problem at hand., you married a woman whom now you think you have nothing in common with, you feel you got roped into the marriage.
You have to be honest with her, tell her how you feel and you feel trapped in the marriage.
You might want to consider marriage counselling. Love is not a feeling it is action. YOu may well find another woman and the problem might be you, just saying.

Before you blow your marriage up, get MC first, then go from there.


----------



## browser

I'm sure she knows. 

I just posted to a thread that could have been written by your wife. 

Give it a read and maybe you'll get a better idea of how she's thinking. I mean she can't be so dense that she doesn't know you've got one foot out the door. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ion/364905-one-last-try-before-i-give-up.html


----------



## ihatethis

You never explained why you don't want to be married to her.


----------



## Herschel

A lot of people here are chastising...and for what? He knows he did wrong. I don't think he doesn't want her because he wants to cheat. He has always wanted out, and this is really driving it home. People make mistakes. Bad mistakes. I have made mistakes that have screwed up my life. I get it. 

Look man, just tell her you want a divorce. The major onus on you is to make sure you handle it properly. You messed up her life to a certain extent and it was based on your lies. Own up to that. Make sure you do everything you can to be fair to her. It will absolutely help you sleep at night.


----------



## SignOfLife

Now I feel like I am your wife...I do all the things your wife does and I get nowhere with my spouse...I have been with him 11 years and we have a son..No matter how long and hard I keep trying and fighting for a real marriage I cant get him to show me or do unto me what a husband should and that's been the past 3 yrs like this...
So now I have come to the conclusion that even before reading this coming from you, that my husband may feel the same way you do and he stays for our son...

What a ****ty feeling..You need to be honest with her , don't be having her hang on like that and feel like everything she does is her fault and she cant be good enough. Im sure there is a man that would love her dearly and love to nurture her and you are making her miss all of that! 

That is wrong! you don't need to tell her everything..like how long you have felt like this because that could ruin her..but just let her know you feel you need to move on and you are different people. You owe it to her now. you owe it to her to be peaceful an dhelp her out of the situation as well. She deserves someone that loves all the things she tries to give you and you don't want!


----------

