# How to support depressed spouse...



## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

I've been married for 8 years and my husband is severely depressed. He doesn't want to seek help. He's moody, sad, yells at me, calls me at work. I can't take off a work and he's giving me the third degree that I should be at home with him. I'm worried about him, but I can't risk losing my job (he's unemployed). 

I honestly don't know how to cope with him anymore. I am begging anyone for advise. I don't know what to do.

Thank you.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Just like any other medical condition he needs help to manage it. You need to let him know that his suffering, your suffering, aren't going to continue without at least the effort to manage things. Lack of motivation is often a symptom of depression and may be why he's reluctant to get help. If it were my spouse I would do some legwork to see how I can help find help.

I know how draining this situation is - been there before. It's not fun.

Wishing you both the best!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Depressed people are toxic to all those around him. If he won't change or seek help the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and start making plans to exit this situation. Seriously.

He has no motivation to change because everything is peachy for him. Time to shake that up a bit.

Note: I suffered from depression for years so I know what I speak of.


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

Thanks. I've actually started couseling for myself just so I can have someone to talk about these things with.

It is very toxic. I have never been in a situation like this before so I have no idea the "right" thing to say to him. I work all day and have to then go home to deal with him. It's exhausting.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RT50 said:


> I have never been in a situation like this before so I have no idea the "right" thing to say to him.


You say what's "right" for YOU. He's a big boy if he doesn't like it he can seek help. That's what I did.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I agree with Mavash. I was the severely depressed spouse for many years. My H started distancing himself from me which made me very angry at first but I reached the breaking point. I either had to leave or start taking care of myself. At that point i realized that either way I was going to have to start taking care of myself and I might as well see if my marriage would improve while I did it.


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Mavash nailed it: Depressed people are toxic and extremely difficult to be around, especially when you are the positive, outgoing spouse. It sucks to watch them literally just existing and finding misery everywhere they look and not wanting to seek help.

Having said that, though, I have tons of compassion with those afflicted with depression, as it hit me hard after my grandfather committed suicide. I was a mess for six months. It was the darkest, most difficult time of my life, and I hated waking up every day. I finally got the point where I hated myself, and that's what prompted me to go see someone and start taking antidepressants. Best thing I ever did for myself, because I don't know how I would have come out of it otherwise.

My H also went through a period of depression that lasted almost a year before I couldn't stand it anymore. He was so negative, so disagreeable, so lethargic. It was bad. I suggested numerous times that maybe he needed to get out of the house for a while, get some fresh air; talk to somebody; see a doctor; practice gratitude....just something. He didn't want to do it. 

It got to a point where even the kids were dreading his coming home from work every night. It was then that I gave him an ultimatum: Either show up at the appointment I made for you and get some help so that we can all stop walking on eggshells and finding reasons to get away from you in the evening or get your things and get out. Probably not the nicest thing I've ever done, but I don't regret it. It had gotten that bad. He did go to the appointment, started on Celexa, and about four weeks later was doing better. Now, my H has a personality disorder, so antidepressants alone can't cure his issues, but they made a huge difference in his case nonetheless. 

Keep up with your IC appointments, because you need a safe outlet to vent. It IS exhausting, so make sure to take some time for yourself and take care of yourself. It's so easy to fall into the depression rut yourself when that's what you're faced with day in and day out.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Depressed people are toxic to all those around him. If he won't change or seek help the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and start making plans to exit this situation. Seriously.
> 
> He has no motivation to change because everything is peachy for him. Time to shake that up a bit.
> 
> Note: I suffered from depression for years so I know what I speak of.


I'm glad you weren't around to offer my wife advice when I had depression. Not everybody has the same result as you. You can get through it with time, help support, understanding and love. Depression is an illness that you can recover from, I'm walking proof. Part of that illness is an unwillingness to accept that you are Ill, so why do you need help?

When you get married isn't it supposed to be in sickness and in health? The spouses need help and support as well, of course they do, but they need to educate themselves about depression so they can understand how it works and how they can help their partner. The op's h needs his wife to take charge of the situation because he isn't capable of doing so himself. Make an appointment with the doctor, get him there and hopefully he will listen to his doctor. If you want an example of how a marriage and two people have traveled back from the very bottom pit of hell, well, that's me and my wife. Yes we have the envitable scars of the experiences that we have been through, but since I got better, our marriage has become stronger and even better than before. My wife went through utter hell, whilst i was sick, but she stood by me even at the lowest point, when the easiest and most sensible thing would be to throw the towel in, call it quits and walk away.however, It was only when I got better that I could appreciate just how much she loved me and was willing to make her self Ill just to try and help me. I will never ever forget what she did for me for as long as I live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Depressed people are not TOXIC. What a nasty thing to say about people affect with an illness. An it is progressive and it is not the same for every person as Nigel said and one can not simply "knock it off"

Children are affacted with the illness, so are you suggesting that they are toxic too? It is a really narrow minded. I just think that is a nasty way to talk about people who can not help it. I mean you would not tell a diabetic that they are toxic during diabetic sezure, would you? So don't say it to some one else who can not help it. I hate the stigma put on people with non physical illnesses.(visible) 

Hold him accountable for his actions, illness or not, it is not an excuse to behave poorly. Tell him he needs to stop calling you at work and that you will only answer/return phone calls during breaks and lunch. If he makes any statements that he may cause harm to him self or anyone else you call 911 and tell then that he has an illness and is in a crisis. 24 to 72 hours in a hospital might just wake him up and he would be safe other wise you need to take care of you first, offer to help him get checked out, see someone and hopefully he will come around. You are not going to be able to do much for him he has to do that work just be there to help.
well that is my opinion.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband stood by me when I was depressed. Like Blanca he began to distance himself from me letting me hit my own rock bottom without trying to SAVE me.

I couldn't just 'knock it off' and I have incredible sympathy and compassion for those suffering from this horrid disease.

What I don't have is compassion for the ones who won't seek help or the spouses who put up with the bad behavior. A diabetic isn't abusive to others. Depressed people are. Rarely does that disease happen in a vacuum - nope they (myself included) will take anyone down that happens to get too close.

And this isn't a child we are talking about. These are grown people with choices and options.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It doesn't help the depressed person at all to be enabled any more than it helps the narcissist or the borderline.

That is - enabling is no help at all.

You cannot love it out of them.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My husband stood by me when I was depressed. Like Blanca he began to distance himself from me letting me hit my own rock bottom without trying to SAVE me.
> 
> I couldn't just 'knock it off' and I have incredible sympathy and compassion for those suffering from this horrid disease.
> 
> ...


Funny, my dad has diabetes and he is a real d!ck.

Seriously, depression is awful to have and awful to live with. It does take compassion, however, I can understand the spouse who is tired of living with a potato. I am married to a potato. This is life, and we just gotta deal with it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I've mentioned this book in other threads -- maybe I should ask for a portion of the royalties, LOL. Anne Sheffield has a book called "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed." It is written specifically for those closest to a depressed person: SOs, parents, children, friends. She's identified a companion syndrome that affects these people that she's called Depression Fallout. The book is very enlightening. The depressed person does pull others down. Maybe not on purpose, but it is a toxic situation nonetheless. For example, couples with one depressed spouse are nine times more likely to divorce than a couple where neither spouse is depressed. 

In all the years I've gone with STBXH to various therapists, not one of them told me that I needed to be aware of the effects of his diagnoses on me. And some of them even knew I had issues like a sleep disorder and depression as well. I wish I knew what was likely to be ahead of me. Then when it happened, I would not have blamed myself for the way he treated me. Not all depressed people do this, I suppose, but I've seen enough posts on TAM to see that it's not unusual. There is a forum about it, too.

Another recommendation is a blog written by a very eloquent man who is recovering from very severe depression. He is very compassionate to the spouses who are in the crossfire. It is called Storied Mind, and there is a whole section devoted to relationships here.

The comparisons to other illnesses are valid. You cannot cure your spouse's heart disease or diabetes, either. He or she has to make that choice and follow through. The situation with a mental illness is somewhat more akin to being around secondhand smoke. It is as dangerous to you as the firsthand smoke is to the smoker. If they choose to take care of the smoking issue, it is healthier for both of you. If you find out you've gotten lung cancer, and they won't quit smoking around you because they're in denial, then certainly you'd remove yourself from the smoke and the smoker in order to save your life, right?


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## s3xy_g33k (Apr 11, 2012)

My husbad suffers from depression and has been put on medication. He also has hypothyroidism, which can have some of the same symptoms as depression. He is on medication for that as well. At first, he was just emotional and lethargic all the time. He never wanted to do anything. He finally talked to his doctor and got put on medication, which has helped quite a bit. Medication is not for everyone, but in this case, so far so good. You've got to have a serious talk with him about what this is doing to you, your relationship, and him as well. It's so hard to see what's wrong when you're on the inside. I truly hope that you can help him to find a solution, not only for him, but for you too.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I've mentioned this book in other threads -- maybe I should ask for a portion of the royalties, LOL. Anne Sheffield has a book called "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed." It is written specifically for those closest to a depressed person: SOs, parents, children, friends. She's identified a companion syndrome that affects these people that she's called Depression Fallout. The book is very enlightening. The depressed person does pull others down. Maybe not on purpose, but it is a toxic situation nonetheless. For example, couples with one depressed spouse are nine times more likely to divorce than a couple where neither spouse is depressed.
> 
> In all the years I've gone with STBXH to various therapists, not one of them told me that I needed to be aware of the effects of his diagnoses on me. And some of them even knew I had issues like a sleep disorder and depression as well. I wish I knew what was likely to be ahead of me. Then when it happened, I would not have blamed myself for the way he treated me. Not all depressed people do this, I suppose, but I've seen enough posts on TAM to see that it's not unusual. There is a forum about it, too.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the links you provided!! They are VERY insightful and I recommend them for all spouses that live with depressed loved ones! For the longest time I thought I could love the depression out of my DH... but reading these books not only have given me more knowledge about the illness, but the harsh effect it has upon me and the family. Even now my oldest had the amazing courage to approach me about his feelings and I have found an excellent therapist for him. The collateral damage that insiduously affects the entire family is profound! 

I am a 'seeker'... I have the will and power to fight... and as I have learned, depressed spouses are more likely than not, to be the 'runners'... to escape to avoidance than to address the issue... a common depressive self-preservation mechanism. I have a greater understanding and compassion for those that suffer with depression... however as I also learned that a depressed spouse must control the depression and not let the depression control them. They must find the courage to empower themselves to manage and cope with the illness. The incredible hurt and pain a depressed spouse inflicts (under the power of the depression, of course) upon the family is tremendous and I as the undepressed spouse MUST protect my own sanity and mental health as well as any children involved in the family. Trust me.. this is an never ending, ever vigilant way of living right now and I hope and pray the rollercoaster ride ends sooner than later. I must understand that I do not deserve such pain and hurt within a marriage... no matter the source or cause. Pain and hurt on a daily basis is NOT what a marriage is made of and I must come to understand this even though I love my husband with all my heart... I am meant on this earth not just to survive.. day by day... unknowing what irrational chaos will come my way via my husband... but I am meant to THRIVE, my children THRIVE and that I am allowed to be happy... and secure the stability and safety for my children as well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has severe depression, Bipolar, PTSD, etc. She's unable to work, often barely able to get out of bed, frequently unable to face the most rudimentery tasks. When it's really bad, she can't put together two nice civil words (and it's really bad most of the time). The best I can tell you is to figure out a way to handle your own needs. I expect almost nothing and that helps decrease my frustration. Some days have really pleasant moments. Learn to appreciate them. If you don't have a very tough skin, grow one. Learn to love yourself because he may not be able to very often. It's probably easier for me because I'm a guy and think mostly rationally. If my feelings were easily hurt, this would really suck hard because she can be really verbally nasty. The problem isn't you. It's between his ears and it's not something he asked for or that he enjoys. My wife enjoys gardening, grooming or walking the dogs, and doing crafts. She has almost no interest in anything else. I garden with her and we walk the dogs together. I try to keep the house relatively tidy. I make sure she eats and I try to keep up with her meds and appointments. She can't bring herself to even open the mail, so I take care of bills. It's not always fun but if I weren't tough enough for the job, God wouldn't have put me with her. We do have fun. We do have peaceful, tender moments. They aren't all that frequent, but they're nice. If I just had to have a 50/50 "fair" relationship, I'm in the wrong place. Fair is just a place to ride the merry go round and eat cotton candy.


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

Another update: This last week has been another roller coaster. My DH was going out a lot last week, drinking, etc. On Sunday, he seemed more like himself, the person I fell in love with. We talked a lot and he admitted to getting depressed and said this has been the worst case. I really felt like the connection was back. I told him I would be supportive in any way that I could.

Come Monday, I'm back to work, and the cycle starts again. I felt devastated. I get home from work and he immediately goes out to a bar. It's such a slap in the face because I thought we had made some progress the day before. He's barely said two words to me all week, except yesterday when we got into a nasty argument. 

Is this the end? How will I know when it's time for me to just let go?

Thanks for your support.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RT50 said:


> Come Monday, I'm back to work, and the cycle starts again. I felt devastated. I get home from work and he immediately goes out to a bar. It's such a slap in the face because I thought we had made some progress the day before. He's barely said two words to me all week, except yesterday when we got into a nasty argument.


I'm sorry. I know how that feels. My H promised to change on a number of occasions only for me to find out that he hadn't. It is devastating. The emotional withdrawal is heart breaking. 

Hang in there and try to protect your heart the best that you can.


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## losing_hope (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't blame anyone for saying a depressed person being toxic. Ok, maybe it's the behavior that's toxic, instead of the person, but nevertheless it can be emotionally draining. 

You can support your spouse, but ultimately it's their choice, and you can't make it for them. Therefore, it's very important to take care of yourself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

losing_hope said:


> Ok, maybe it's the behavior that's toxic, instead of the person.


I've never understood this concept. Behavior is an expression of who a person is. How can it be that it's only the behavior and not the person? I believe a person can change over time but at that moment the behavior is the external expression of that person's inner world. I believe it is a more concrete representation.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I suppose that's the difference between what you do and who you are. If you're an angry train wreck because of what you do that's one thing, but it's just an aspect of who you are....well there's maybe no fix.


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

Thanks for everyone's support on here. The best part of this forum is that there are people that can relate to what I'm going through. 

Another question....I am seeking couseling for myself just to be able to talk to someone who doesn't know DH or myself and to help me deal with everything. I obviously don't want to talk to my family or friends about this. I haven't told DH that I'm in couseling. Am I being dishonest? I'm doing this for me and I personally feel that he doesn't need to know. Plus, I don't want to start any additional drama with him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RT50 said:


> I haven't told DH that I'm in couseling. Am I being dishonest? I'm doing this for me and I personally feel that he doesn't need to know. Plus, I don't want to start any additional drama with him.


No, you're not being dishonest. You're creating a boundary to protect your heart, i.e. you are trying to avoid more drama.


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## losing_hope (Dec 1, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I've never understood this concept. Behavior is an expression of who a person is. How can it be that it's only the behavior and not the person? I believe a person can change over time but at that moment the behavior is the external expression of that person's inner world. I believe it is a more concrete representation.


No, behavior is not necessarily an expression of who the person is, especially if they have a disease (such as depression). Or, for example take someone who is a substance abuser. When they are not using, they may be the kindest, nicest person, but when they are using, they get angry, aggressive etc. In either case the disease does not define the person.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But I think a person's character/personality/whatever you want to call it has an influence on things such as whether or not someone starts self-medicating in the first place, or how likely they are to recognize that they need help for a mental illness. Not all people with depression act exactly the same way, same with chemically dependent people. To go back to an earlier analogy, not everyone with diabetes follows the type of diet they're suppposed to. They eat whatever they want, don't exercise, then blame God when they have a limb amputated, know what I mean? I believe there are other factors at work besides the chemicals in the brain.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

losing_hope said:


> No, behavior is not necessarily an expression of who the person is, especially if they have a disease (such as depression). Or, for example take someone who is a substance abuser. When they are not using, they may be the kindest, nicest person, but when they are using, they get angry, aggressive etc. In either case the disease does not define the person.


mmmmm....i disagree. I was very depressed for awhile and it was an expression of who I was. 

If a person is using and they become angry, mean, dishonest, etc then I think it does define who they are. I have a sister like that. She's a prescription drug/illicit drug abuser and is an absentee, abusive mom and it defines her and her child's life. Drugs change your brain and therefore can change who you are, IMO.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

angelpixie said:


> But I think a person's character/personality/whatever you want to call it has an influence on things such as whether or not someone starts self-medicating in the first place, or how likely they are to recognize that they need help for a mental illness. Not all people with depression act exactly the same way, same with chemically dependent people. To go back to an earlier analogy, not everyone with diabetes follows the type of diet they're suppposed to. They eat whatever they want, don't exercise, then blame God when they have a limb amputated, know what I mean? I believe there are other factors at work besides the chemicals in the brain.


Very good point.


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## losing_hope (Dec 1, 2011)

Blanca said:


> mmmmm....i disagree. I was very depressed for awhile and it was an expression of who I was.
> 
> If a person is using and they become angry, mean, dishonest, etc then I think it does define who they are. I have a sister like that. She's a prescription drug/illicit drug abuser and is an absentee, abusive mom and it defines her and her child's life. Drugs change your brain and therefore can change who you are, IMO.


That is a pretty bleak outlook. 

I've been depressed. I've been so anxious that I spent a whole work day just sitting at my desk staring at the screen, not being able to do anything. But I can honestly say that even in those moments, that was not me.

My grandfather had a stroke when I was 8. Paralyzed the entire right side of his body, along with severe aphasia. Before that, we had been close, he's even the one who basically taught me how to read. But after his stroke, he became angry, frustrated, because he couldn't remember the words. And me, as a young child couldn't understand it, how a person who was so nice changed in a moment.

Now, in my later life I understand that underneath he was still the same grandfather. It was just his illness that manifested as anger. I wish I would have realized this when he was still alive.

People act against the way they are all the time even when not depressed. Ever have a bad day, and snap at someone? Does that mean that you are a bad person, even if just in that moment? One moment, one week, one year, what's the difference?

I can't stress it enough. My wife's psychiatrist said this to me, and I agree with him 100%: the disease does not define the person.


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## losing_hope (Dec 1, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> But I think a person's character/personality/whatever you want to call it has an influence on things such as whether or not someone starts self-medicating in the first place, or how likely they are to recognize that they need help for a mental illness.


Just like any other bodily function, there's a "baseline". That's the person. Also applies to personality and mental issues. But then, if there's a disease, it can alter the person from the baseline. It doesn't mean that the baseline went away.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

losing_hope said:


> I've been depressed. I've been so anxious that I spent a whole work day just sitting at my desk staring at the screen, not being able to do anything. But I can honestly say that even in those moments, that was not me.


Stared at your screen all day...at work, huh. Boy. How'd you ever swim your way outta those deep waters! lol 

I'm just joking with you. 



losing_hope said:


> My grandfather had a stroke when I was 8. Paralyzed the entire right side of his body, along with severe aphasia. Before that, we had been close, he's even the one who basically taught me how to read. But after his stroke, he became angry, frustrated, because he couldn't remember the words. And me, as a young child couldn't understand it, how a person who was so nice changed in a moment.


I worked in a geriatric facility for awhile and strokes are really hard on families. It's particularly difficult for family members to cope with their relatives new anger problem. My H is unfortunately going through this exact same situation. It was really hard for him to think that his grandma could be angry at him. 

Different life situations will accentuate different aspects of one's personality- but it's still who they are. I've seen sides of me that I don't think I'd ever have seen had I stayed single. It's not someone else acting out in the relationship, but the relationship accentuate different aspects of my personality that are not triggered when I'm single. Health problems can have the same effect. I've worked in a mental health facility and the general hospital and the same disease has drastically different outcomes depending on the person. Some people get angry about it, some people are just sad about it. All schizophrenics were just funny, though. None of them had much of an anger problem. All their energy was absorbed in finding out which one of us was the 'agent'. lol



losing_hope said:


> People act against the way they are all the time even when not depressed. Ever have a bad day, and snap at someone? Does that mean that you are a bad person, even if just in that moment? One moment, one week, one year, what's the difference?


A bad person? That is a jump. I only said that a person's behavior is an expression of who they are. I didn't say anything about them being either good or bad because of it. 

If I act out towards someone else on a bad day, which believe me i do, it says something about who i am. Not that I'm a bad person but it says that i dont value another's existence (which in turn says something about me), that i'm hurting inside, and that i'm lacking some key coping strategies. I can chose to think 'that's not who i am' but I dont see how that will help the matter. 

My philosophy stems from the idea that we are the expression of our body chemistry. In that respect, self is a very lucid and flexible term for me. If a person is born with a disorder, be it autism, depression, etc, I believe that is who they are. At the same time, had the chemistry been aligned differently, i think they also could have been someone else. Most people probably feel that that person isn't who they are because something went wrong with their brain chemistry. I just don't see it that way. If I saw it that way then I could be anyone.


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