# My Story



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hello everyone,

I am new here. I was looking for an internet forum where I could talk about my situation, and receive some objective feedback. This is the one place I stumbled on that was really active.

I have been separated for a 5 months. And I really need to “talk” about what has happened because I second-guess myself a lot and am fearful of the future as well. 

My husband and I had been married 3 years. We loved each other a lot and the first 6 months of our marriage were “Cloud 9” material. We were so in love, affectionate, caring and joyful. He was absolutely wonderful to me. Our only problem: We lived with his family – his mother, older brother, and sister. In our culture, this is not a strange living arrangement. Many of the elders in our culture actually expect their son’s wives to move in with them after marriage, although THANKFULLY this thinking has changed a lot recently. 

Living with my husband’s family became very toxic to our relationship. To begin with, I had no independence or privacy, especially in the kitchen. His mom watched my every move and commented on EVERY SINGLE THING I did in the kitchen. My stress levels rose to peak levels when I’d be cooking. On top of that, after 6 months, his sister (who was my VERY close friend in university) suddenly stopped speaking with me. Aside from a “hello”, she would not look at me or chat with me. I’m the kind of person who needs to talk about things when they aren’t going right, and I had a “need” to get along with everyone, so this behavior caused me significant distress. Nobody talked about it, but it was the giant elephant in the room – tension like you wouldn’t believe. My family told me to just ignore her, but how can you ignore somebody who lives with you and you see every day??

To make matters worse – his brother got married and his wife came to live with us, too. In our small 4 bedroom house. I had a baby – our baby had congenital heart disease and underwent open heart surgery at 22 days. This was an extremely difficult time for us, because we almost lost her. But God helped us, and now she is a healthy, active 2 year old.  She’s my joy, and gives me purpose and meaning in life. Anyway – his brother had a baby too, born 3 months after ours. So we became 8 people living in one house.

His sister wouldn’t speak to me, but became BEST FRIENDS with her older brother’s wife. They went everywhere together, and I was left out. That’s when I realized she wouldn’t speak to me because she was jealous of my closeness with my husband. My husband was her best friend, and I’d taken that away from her because his attention was mostly focused on me. She didn’t have this kind of relationship with her other brother.

To make a long story short – our living situation caused intense stress and people were not getting along with eachother. I asked my husband several times to move out – and he never reacted well to it. We argued a lot. He said he couldn’t leave his mother because she’d raised them on her own (their dad had passed away when they were younger). When I suggested his mother come with us, he still said no, because his older brother also wants to live with their mom. So basically, I felt like I had to sacrifice my own happiness/health because the 2 brothers can’t live separately without their Mom.

Our living arrangement, our child’s illness, and my “demands” (as my husband put it) to live separately in our own home became a huge problem. My husband started to yell at me, and wouldn’t keep his voice down, so his family became a part of our fights. It would become a spectacle. I felt humiliated and degraded. Fighting with your husband is bad enough but having him scream at you in front of his family is just horrible. Instead of fighting with 1 person, I felt like I was fighting with his entire family. Each time he did it, he’d say sorry. I threatened to leave a few times, but never actually did. 

Until our last fight. He completely exploded over something very small (I had wanted to go to a family get-together with him, but he took his mom and not me, and when I told him that hurt my feelings, he started yelling again). It was actually a two-day fight. The first day, we took it outside because I didn’t want his family to know we were arguing again. So he yelled at me on the street. Neighbours a few houses down watched us, but he didn’t care. I tried to calm him down, to no effect. I tried walking away – he pulled me back toward him. Said a lot of hurtful things. Told me to “get lost”. Basically lost his cool on the street, in front of all the neighbourhood to see. I was sooo shocked because I thought by taking our conversation outside he’d at least be more civilized but he didn’t care who was watching or how he acted. Later that night, he said sorry to me, but I was furious. I just told him, “you keep saying sorry but do the same thing again.” The next day, we fought again over the same thing, but this time I had had enough. I didn’t try to calm him down and I didn’t ask him to keep his voice down. He told me to get out of the house, that I wasn’t part of his family, that nobody liked me. He told his mom “just tell me once to leave her and I will do it right now!” He called his older brother home from work if you’ll believe it…and demanded that they kick me out of the house. Just unbelievable things… I told him I wouldn’t leave because this was my home, when we got married it became my house too, but he kept insisting I leave. And screamed for 3 hours. I am so shocked the neighbours didn’t call the police because I am sure they could hear it. His brother tried calming us down but I told him, if my husband wants me to go then I’ll go.

I stayed 2 more days. In that time, I didn’t once see my hubby. Then I emptied our bedroom of my things, packed everything into my car, put my sleeping baby into her car seat and drove to my parents. And I’ve been living here ever since.

My husband called a week later, asking me to come home. I said no.
His brother and mom came to see me, I refused to see them. They spoke with my parents and my parents told them exactly what I asked them to say: That I would not live another single day with them. If my husband wanted me back, the FIRST step is to get a separate home.

I don’t want to be together with a man who ignored my opinion, didn’t hear my voice or concerns and “forced” a lifestyle on me that was making me miserable. He has a huge temper and screamed at me in front of people so often. He never hit me but somehow I felt it moving in that direction. I didn’t want our daughter growing up seeing her parents fighting all the time. And I can’t imagine ever getting along with his family again…they made me miserable…and he made himself a packaged deal with them. I wanted my husband, my daughter and I to be a family but now I realize he already had his “true” family…I was just something disposable. Loved as long as I agreed with how they lived…despised as soon as I asked for my own space.

I’ve asked him 3 times to move in to an apartment with me and he hasn’t done so…keeps saying “OK just as soon as I sell the house” and he hasn’t even put his house on the market yet. I feel like they’re just taking their sweet time and don’t want to lose their together-ness. And I feel like he’s chosen his mom/brother over me.

So that’s why we are still separated.

And yet – I am filled with such deep sadness. I STILL LOVE HIM. I watch our videos from earlier in our marriage and remember his kindnesses. And I miss him. I feel like I’ve lost so much. Even though I know I deserve better than to be humiliated and treated like an idiot in front of his family – he’s still my husband and we’ve had good times together. But my brain tells me to let those times go because we are not good for each other.

I’m also afraid of the future. Being lonely. Not having another successful chance at love.

Some days I feel like I’m making a big mistake. 90% of the time he was a good husband…10% of the time he turned in to a monster. Is that enough to give up on our marriage? I’m confused and lost. The part of me that tells me to stand up for myself, struggles with the part of me who says he’s an imperfect person and I should give him another chance. But even if we do miraculously decide to live together again, won’t we still argue? And maybe he will resent me forever, because I “separated” himself from his family?

Should I still try to fight for my marriage? Or is it better for us to get a divorce?  How do I move on?


----------



## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Don't second-guess yourself. You removed your child from an abusive and poisonous situation--I suspect it would only be a matter of time before she was manipulated and turned against you, as well. 

I think you realize that if your husband hasn't taken steps in the past 5 months to find a home for the three of you, the writing is on the wall. Move forward with the confidence that you made the right decision.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Should I still try to fight for my marriage? Or is it better for us to get a divorce?  How do I move on?


You move on the same way all of us do...by letting go of the rock you are clinging to and letting the river take you.

It sounds like he has made his choice. I had something similar and the choice was made to be with her parent.
Nothing you can do when an entire system is working against you but leave.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Thank you both. Yes, I do think that if he hasn't tried to be with me after six months, he won't try to be with me even if I wait six years. I just don't understand how he can choose his mom and brother over his wife and child. I also can't reconcile the loving, caring man I married, with the silent cold man he has become. I can't believe this happened to is, I'm devastated.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> That I would not live another single day with them. If my husband wanted me back, the FIRST step is to get a separate home.


They weren't the problem. In fact they had the decency to come to your home. Don't hate them. You don't want to face them only because of the humiliation your husband inflicted infront of them. Your anger is misdirected against them. 

Your abusive husband is the actual problem. How would you even want to get back together with a guy who would repeatedly ask you to "get lost" fro your home ? And comes back and tells you "sorry" without any shame ?

Also, what country are you from ? Your husband is very abusive person. I suggest you read some literature about abusive situations and relationships(google them up). The 90% good 10% bad is the argument most abuse victims commonly use to justify staying with their abusers long after the abuse started. If you need some links, i can also post them for you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you know your husband before you married him?

Often times we do not see the 'real' person for quite some time after a relationship starts. It takes 2-4 years to find out what a person is really like. It's easy for a person to pretend to be different for about 2-3 years. After that the facade is too hard to maintain and the true self comes out. This is, it seems, what happened to you.

You are right to be concerned about his abuse escalating. It started out with just the two of you... now after some time it's your husband putting on a show in front of his family or the neighbors to show how dominate he is. He has more and more had his family gang up against you.

If you go back to living with him and his family, you will become the family punching bag. Have no doubt about it. This is the dynamic of his family. I have little doubt that the mother, sister and two brothers will be turning their abuse onto the brother's wife now that they don't have you to abuse.

Start moving on with your life. I doubt that he will give up his family as he feels too powerful with them to back up his abusive nature.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

warlock07 said:


> They weren't the problem. In fact they had the decency to come to your home. Don't hate them. You don't want to face them only because of the humiliation your husband inflicted infront of them. Your anger is misdirected against them.
> 
> Your abusive husband is the actual problem. How would you even want to get back together with a guy who would repeatedly ask you to "get lost" fro your home ? And comes back and tells you "sorry" without any shame ?
> 
> Also, what country are you from ? Your husband is very abusive person. I suggest you read some literature about abusive situations and relationships(google them up). The 90% good 10% bad is the argument most abuse victims commonly use to justify staying with their abusers long after the abuse started. If you need some links, i can also post them for you.


My husband absolutely is to blame, I don't deny that. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and realize that his behaviour has consequences. That's why we are separated, it's also the reason I have not gone back to live there. I am showing him the consequences of his actions, and I am standing up for my rights and dignity. This is a very hard thing to do by the way...I finally understand why some people stay in unhappy relationships. Standing up for yourself takes a lot of courage and you have to maintain that level of courage no matter what society, your family, friends, or "the voice inside your head that tells you you're weak" says. (Family/friends have been mostly supportive, thank God.)

I do have to say though, that his family has a very large hand in this as well. From whom did he learn that it's OK to act this way with your wife? Who taught him that there aren't consequences for his actions? Who brainwashed him into thinking that he must never, ever leave his mom/siblings no matter what? His mom would literally ask me, "What's your problem, why aren't you happy living together? You live in a castle and you're still not happy." (Our cramped little house with 8 people living in it was apparently a castle!) His brother would say that I have too many demands from my husband. What "demands" did I have?! To have my own separate home? Wow...it still makes me upset to think about this. His older brother, by the way, was married 8 years to a woman and they had the exact same problems as I do now...she finally left his ass, too. Except she didn't bring any children into that relationship, and is now happily re-married with 2 lovely kids. He's remarried and has the same problems with his new wife.

I know what you're thinking - I was stupid to get married and move in with this family. You are right. I was naive. I believed what they told me, and they told me that she missed her family and wanted to move out-of-country and her husband didn't, so they split. Now I know better. At the time, I also didn't "pry" or ask too many questions about their divorce, bc I believed it was between them. I assumed my husband was different from his brother...I told myself it wasn't fair to judge my husband based on his brother's past.

I absolutely blame his family. Coming to my home and displaying a couple of fake tears, does not wash away the 3 years of hostility, neglect, backbiting and trouble-making. I will not be fooled again. 

Was his behaviour "abusive"? I'm inside the situation, I hear my brain scream "yes!" most of the time, but other times I second-guess myself. That's why I'm here. I want to know if others would consider his behaviour abusive. It will help me make a firm decision.

And yes, I'd appreciate the links. Thank you.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you know your husband before you married him?
> 
> Often times we do not see the 'real' person for quite some time after a relationship starts. It takes 2-4 years to find out what a person is really like. It's easy for a person to pretend to be different for about 2-3 years. After that the facade is too hard to maintain and the true self comes out. This is, it seems, what happened to you.
> 
> ...


From a "distance", we knew each other for a few years. Up close and personal, I'd say 6 months. We fell hard for each other and I thought he had all the characteristics I wanted in a husband. Yes, it was rushed, but that's what I wanted at the time.

I had NO IDEA about his temper. Not one single little tid bit of an idea.

I was naive, I assumed the best of people, and I wore my heart on my sleeve. At work, my bosses during my yearly review, tell me their only complaint is that I'm too nice. So I also blame myself a lot, for not establishing proper boundaries and speaking up for myself, in front of my husband or his family. 

I no longer assume the best of people, or trust them. And when something doesn't sit well with me, I don't "smile and nod my head" - I protest. So I hope this experience changes me for the better.

Also I've noticed that I get angry very quickly now...maybe I should be going to anger management classes or therapy or something.  I am unhappy with myself and it shows sometimes.

I would never live with his family again...if I do, it would give them a free pass to treat me as horribly as they want, because I left and came back, and that teaches them that I will always come back.

I don't even want to live with my husband anymore, because he's shown me that my daughter and I are not his priority. And I don't trust him, I think he'd explode and treat me badly again, and I just can't handle that anymore. It has broken me and I need time to put myself together again, and heal, and hopefully move on. But I'm "stuck" emotionally. Every time I tell myself it's time to call a lawyer and signs some papers, I freeze, and break down inside, and can't believe what's happening. I know he loves me too...and a big part of me feels sorry for him.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

warlock07 said:


> They weren't the problem. In fact they had the decency to come to your home. Don't hate them. You don't want to face them only because of the humiliation your husband inflicted infront of them. Your anger is misdirected against them.


I should mention...there is one part of your sentence I absolutely agree with, and that is, that there's another reason why I don't want to see his family. Aside from the extreme anger and hurt I feel in regards to the way they acted...it's fear.

I'm afraid of them.

I'm afraid they will look at me disapprovingly, shake their heads, ask me what kind of horrible wife leaves her husband's home? 

For the first several months, I had nightmares about his family. About things like, me being in the same room with his sister and her not talking to me or not saying hello...or us arguing and them backing her up. 

I don't want to see them because not only do I hate them, I also don't want to be subjected to their disapproval.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you from an south east asian country?


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Yes. Why?


----------

