# Which is worse for a bs



## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

I'm curious as to what is worse the original betrayal you find out on dday number 1 or the continued betrayal of an underground affair or a false reconciliation? 

I would think the original betrayal is worse because your often blindsided by the entire affair. I would think once you've had a dday # 1 then you wouldn't be as shocked if a ws did it again or continued the affair.
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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

For me it was knowing I wasn't enough for my wife. That she needed 
someone else.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

That's a really tough question. When I first discovered it I was literally in a state of shock. It was so completely unreal that it was happening in my life. I confronted well but did not dole out consequences. The continued false R's along with the continued lying to my face twisted the knife in. They both sucked big time.
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

I don't think that's always the case, I believe it more times then not is just the excitement they get from the attention their getting.
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

2yearsago said:


> That's a really tough question. When I first discovered it I was literally in a state of shock. It was so completely unreal that it was happening in my life. I confronted well but did not dole out consequences. The continued false R's along with the continued lying to my face twisted the knife in. They both sucked big time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you mean by false R, did the affair continue and if so for how long?
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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Dday is the most devastating, after that it really comes down to how it is handled as to whether or not you allow yourself to trust them enough to be in a position to hurt you again.

And if a WS takes it underground then lulls you into false R then it hurts even more when you end up with subsequent Ddays further down the line.

It really does hurt, but the trickle truth and of deceptions unraveled can be the most painstaking as it comes back to haunt you and presents many situations that can pose a trigger without you realizing!!!

It will be those triggers and mind movies that may damage you further.

Personally I am inclined to think just lately that once bitten is enough and move on, it would have stopped me having trust issues with her and would have allowed me to heal much faster and probably I would not have such horrific worries every time she is away with work, but I kind of allow it to face my fear, not working out terribly well but I am not suicidal and not drinking either these days so must be getting better, only time will tell if my trust is misplaced or not?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Both, for me were equally bad.


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> Dday is the most devastating, after that it really comes down to how it is handled as to whether or not you allow yourself to trust them enough to be in a position to hurt you again.
> 
> And if a WS takes it underground then lulls you into false R then it hurts even more when you end up with subsequent Ddays further down the line.
> 
> ...


Do you think a bs could or would try to R if infact the ws went underground for an extended period of time?
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Both, for me were equally bad.


Wow both, are you still together?
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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

For me D-day was worse than the false R/ D-day 2. Both were devastating, but that first moment that I found out that he had been unfaithful will never leave me.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Try having your wife assault you along with her boyfriend.
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

Unaware said:


> For me D-day was worse than the false R/ D-day 2. Both were devastating, but that first moment that I found out that he had been unfaithful will never leave me.


Were you able to finally reconcile and if yes how? I would think there's no possible way you could trust them again.
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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> Were you able to finally reconcile and if yes how? I would think there's no possible way you could trust them again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No it did not end well for me and the POSX 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/94777-my-last-relationship.html


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

Unaware said:


> No it did not end well for me and the POSX
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/94777-my-last-relationship.html


I'm sorry
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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

DDay was the bad part for me. Didn't have a second, but I got the trickle truth for a looooooong time. It killed me inside. I still don't feel the same. I don't look at anything the same. The only joy I see now are my kids. 

All damage stems from DDay. That day makes or breaks you. It broke me.


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

If they trickle truth then how do you know for sure they end affair.
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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Id say TT.

The ws wants it all to go away and move on with r. ( if they want it) 

What they fail to realize is when you subject someone to endless deception and pain they tire of it. It sours whatever desire there is of the BS to work it out.

The TT made me care A LOT less about her as a wife and being with her. Ironically it makes you care a lot less about the cheating. Just not how the ws hopes.
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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> If they trickle truth then how do you know for sure they end affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You, my poor dear, seem like a woman who has been betrayed badly more than once. Sounds like you want to reconcile but you're unsure and worried about it, and looking for people to tell you that it will be OK. I feel your pain and uncertainty. So sorry you are here.


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

Healer said:


> You, my poor dear, seem like a woman who has been betrayed badly more than once. Sounds like you want to reconcile but you're unsure and worried about it, and looking for people to tell you that it will be OK. I feel your pain and uncertainty. So sorry you are here.


Thank you for your compassion, and yes I have been betrayed more then once by more then one. It makes trusting anyone very difficult. I often feel that people have hidden agendas and it makes having a healthy loving relationship next to impossible.
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

My question is could any if you here forgive your ws if you were to find out they trickle truth and were in false R for an extended period of time?
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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> My question is could any if you here forgive your ws if you were to find out they trickle truth and were in false R for an extended period of time?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Possibly going through this now but I will let you know how it pans out.

Some just get to the point where they say enough is enough and separate, it could be that they leave things alone or actually have an exit affair of their own in order to leave the marriage freely and to maybe inflict a little bit of pain on the original betrayer.

Betrayers do not like being betrayed!!!!


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> My question is could any if you here forgive your ws if you were to find out they trickle truth and were in false R for an extended period of time?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Doubtful. My R with my WW is going better, much better, this week than it was last week. The whole thing is a messy process. Once you're betrayed, find out that comforting words were empty lies, it takes a huge amount of effort to let that trust grow back. I, for one, am feeling more confident in her words and feelings. But if a ww used this second chance to carry on deception? That's unforgivable.
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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

The initial D-day is like having your leg ripped off. TT and false R and further revelations are like having your H continue to dig into the fresh stump with a knife. They both hurt, but differently.


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## Hermione (Dec 13, 2012)

I think it's hard to be able to answer that question. 

When an OW, hypothetically, posts on multiple sites, trying to figure out what will finally make a betrayed spouse leave her wayward husband, it's hard to be able to answer. There are general guidelines, of course. But people are different, and react different at different points in their lives. 

So asking questions of other betrayed spouses. If the hypothetical OW really wants to know what's up with the BS in her situation, maybe it would be best to contact the BS herself. And be honest. And see what the result is.

It really is impossible for other people to quantify or explain someone else's pain. Better to go to the source. 

Hypothetically. 
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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

canuckprincess said:


> I'm curious as to what is worse the original betrayal you find out on dday number 1 or the continued betrayal of an underground affair or a false reconciliation?
> 
> I would think the original betrayal is worse because your often blindsided by the entire affair. I would think once you've had a dday # 1 then you wouldn't be as shocked if a ws did it again or continued the affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know your story. You're the OW who claims that your married man is still in the affair with you and that its underground and he's still betraying his spouse.

How has he taken it underground with you? Why do you continue to this affair knowing its hurting his betrayed wife, if in fact its really still going on? Will you delete this thread like your other threads?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Healer said:


> You, my poor dear, seem like a woman who has been betrayed badly more than once. Sounds like you want to reconcile but you're unsure and worried about it, and looking for people to tell you that it will be OK. I feel your pain and uncertainty. So sorry you are here.


This is the OW, not the BS.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

The original D-day. It's like jumping in cold freezing water. It hurts and it shocks your every fiber. Jump second, third time- you can still feel the hurt but at a lesser impact as you're getting used to it...


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> This is the OW, not the BS.


You know me, you know nothing! I have been betrayed. My ex husband betrayed me and so have others.
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I know your story. You're the OW who claims that your married man is still in the affair with you and that its underground and he's still betraying his spouse.
> 
> How has he taken it underground with you? Why do you continue to this affair knowing its hurting his betrayed wife, if in fact its really still going on? Will you delete this thread like your other threads?


That's right it's not going on infact the entire affair was just a figment of my over active imagination. I'm not the one hurting her, cause the affair never happened and it doesn't continue to happen, you know everything. I don't owe you an explanation, nor will I justify my relationship decisions to you.
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

canuckprincess said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm so confused, do the bs really always want the truth? 10 years ago when my exh cheated on me I still to this day want to know the details. I've asked him many times but he still denies the affair and refuses to give details. I know the details won't make a difference because we have been divorced for 6 plus years but I'm still curious as to what really happened.
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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

D-DAY was the very thing that has made my life meaningless. Every day and very minute was for nothing and going forward is only an act of supporting my end of my marriage vows. I will never have a faithful husband no matter what he does or says. My childhood dreams and beliefs are gone never to be recaptured or replaced with what? Trust for anyone again will be questionable. I will end up a somewhat bitter old women no matter what. True happiness will be something I fear as it will represent the fear or probability of the other shoe about to drop.


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

I'm so so sorry for what you have been through, I'm also sorry my actions in life have contributed to the pain and suffering of another. 
Contray to what some may believe I do feel very bad.
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## Hermione (Dec 13, 2012)

canuckprincess said:


> I'm so so sorry for what you have been through, I'm also sorry my actions in life have contributed to the pain and suffering of another.
> Contray to what some may believe I do feel very bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The best way to show regret/genuine sorrow/true remorse for actions is to do no more harm. 
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

I wish it was that easy, and I have tried.
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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> I'm so confused, do the bs really always want the truth? 10 years ago when my exh cheated on me I still to this day want to know the details. I've asked him many times but he still denies the affair and refuses to give details. I know the details won't make a difference because we have been divorced for 6 plus years but I'm still curious as to what really happened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course they want the truth. When your spouse lies to you, deceives you, it's a blatant display of disrespect. To keep the secret just compounds it. They need to make some serious choices about what direction they want to take their own life in, who is the ws to deny them all the facts?
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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Of course they want the truth. When your spouse lies to you, deceives you, it's a blatant display of disrespect. To keep the secret just compounds it. They need to make some serious choices about what direction they want to take their own life in, who is the ws to deny them all the facts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I agree totally but why when in a supposed R do they continue to lie and often play things down to an extent that "you" feel like you are going mad and that the facts as you saw them at the time were absolutely nothing more than "circumstance" sorry but in the way of relationships and affairs nothing just so happens to be circumstance!!!!

TT is probably best akin to torture but now the complete denial and painting over is far worse as they just keep you hanging, knowing that you know something but they won't tell you the truth, even though the truth is a whole lot easier to bear than a lie they try to cover it over especially when in R as they are more often worried that true admissions that things went a lot deeper than they are telling you could spell the end and they possibly are remorseful of their actions but choose the wrong path to make it right again.

If you catch my drift?:scratchhead:


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

I agree as a former bs I wanted the truth, does it matter who the truth comes from? I would think it should come from the ws not a outsider.
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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> I agree as a former bs I wanted the truth, does it matter who the truth comes from? I would think it should come from the ws not a outsider.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That much is very true, but it depends on the situation yet again, in a situation of R then yes it has to come from the WS or how can you effectively R without them owning the truth and the circumstances surrounding aspects that you want to know details of.

But also there is a flip side to it where the WS is does not give two hoots and you as the BS are not showing them any strong signs that there are consequences to their actions, if they want to take it underground then how will you stop them? If it was an EA how do you stop it going PA? Was it an exit A? 

I think it mostly depends on how far they are looking into the future and how stable they are emotionally when going into any R, it can be that they have big issues and that they need the comfort of a marriage but also that they have no self esteem and need the affection and encouragement that comes from a new relationship whether it is illicit or otherwise.

Lots of variables and no defining answers to be had as every situation is very, very different!!!


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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

Brokenshadow said:


> Of course they want the truth. When your spouse lies to you, deceives you, it's a blatant display of disrespect. To keep the secret just compounds it. They need to make some serious choices about what direction they want to take their own life in, who is the ws to deny them all the facts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If a bs wants to know the truth she should just ask.
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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> If a bs wants to know the truth she should just ask.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Darn it - if only I had known it was that simple. Hear that BSs? If we want the truth, all we have to do is ask.

Who knew?


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> If a bs wants to know the truth she should just ask.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who? Their spouse or their spouses AP? For evidence about how truthful a ws is, look at 99% the threads here.
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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

canuckprincess said:


> If a bs wants to know the truth she should just ask.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lets throw a bone for ya....

Say the truth is only just diluted by the lies and there are some truthes that could be seriously detrimental to any type of R.

Now this is where it gets tricky, if the marriage is in R and there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel why would the the WS want to tell the truth? Knowing that the truth might actually end what they now realize was not so bad after all?

Maybe they falsely believe that there can be salvation if the truth is kept on the QT? At least that way they do not have to carry the heavy full burden of guilt for their crimes, only as much as can be proven and even then there will be lies told up until the point of hard evidence.

Perhaps there are many more differing scenarios, you pick one and write up for us.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Darn it - if only I had known it was that simple. Hear that BSs? If we want the truth, all we have to do is ask.
> 
> Who knew?


Lol! 

Yeah, I actually tried that. You know, OP, the whole "asking" thing. 

Know what it got me?

Two _years_ of trickle truth mixed in to outright lies. My husband looked me in the eyes, held me, brushed my hair back from my face tenderly.....and LIED. About two additional OW. For two-plus _years_. 

See, on D-Day you can somehow convince yourself that this was a lapse, a slip, bad judgment certainly, but a one-off thing that he's so sorry about and wants to make up to you. It's devastating. But the real devastation comes when you realize that two years into R, the lies never stopped. Ever. And that your "one-off" cheater is actually a serial cheater who never planned to stop. And didn't mind lying to you every day. Didn't mind snickering, _with his buddies_, about how silly you are to be making "such a big deal" about one measly long-term EA partner, when if you only knew.......hahahahaha.

D-Day was like being shot in the back by my husband. What came later was like being laboriously and brutally tortured by my husband, and realizing that...._he liked it_.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I knew once I heard one lie, I would never trust another thing out of his mouth again. 

Knew I could never reconcile. Never wanted to.

1 lie = 1,000,000,000.

DDay = the worst and the best. There was finally an end of me thinking I was nuts.

Don't know what it would be like to want to reconcile but I would have to know everything. Too much trouble to waste on MY POSH.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

The false R of a continued underground affair is a hundred times worse. 

It sort of goes like this. With the initial DD, there’s a little voice in you that tell you your wayward spouse had no idea how badly it would hurt you. They knew it was wrong, but really did not know that absolute trauma it would inflict. You still somewhat believe that had they known, they never would have done it.

Then you do the MC and all the talks. They know your pain. They watch you die inside knowing they are the source and probably are saying the words and trying to help you. AND THEN THEY MAKE THE VERY CONSCIENCE AND INFORMED CHOICE TO CONTINUE THE AFFAIR. This is a horribly person who now is truly meaning you harm while pretending otherwise. There is no misunderstanding, no way they can not know this would destroy you... and they do it anyway.

That is what broke me. That is when my WW wife says I became mean. She killed ‘empathy’ in me. The only person I could count on is me. 

Maybe that is the lesson of your past too that you learned. You watch out for you and sort of lost that empathy for others. Your experience is ‘others’ will do what they want anyway without consideration for you, so screw ‘em. You do rationalize ‘empathy’ (knowing what they are probably feeling), but you no longer really care beyond simple acknowledgment. How ‘they’ feel no longer bothers you.

I know I am like that now. Sort of scary actually. I am trying to limit that lack of empathy to just my wife... but hate to say it’s spread in general to how I now view the world. Broken.


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