# Childish.. but please read



## LoveIs (Apr 13, 2010)

Hello everyone. I am very new to this website and just wanted to come on here to explain my situation and get some feedback. 

What are your rules on sharing email,voicemail, cell phone listing passwords, in your relationships? The reason I am asking is because I have been with my bf for over 5 years now. He is my first love. When I first met him he didnt have a car, wasn't motivated, and didnt have many goals. He considered me as a blessing in his life because I gave him a chance and his entire life turned around and he is doing quite well and is motivated to have a good future together. When we first met and were talking (about 2-3 years into the relationship), he was always overprotective of me and we always shared everything (passwords.. etc.) Because I was 20 when we first met I had some growing up to do and at times acted very insecure around him. He is involved in fitness and works with clients and I would get very angry when he would work with young female clients. It came to the point where I would go on our cell phone website and write down the numbers of who he would talk to and check it on a daily basis. This became an obsession for me. This and checking his emails/vm. I know it sounds childish, but I couldnt help myself. I would make him forward the texts his clients would send him and would make him call people to prove to me he wasnt lieing. In all the times I have gotten mad or thought I found something he may have done that wasnt appropriate, I always ended up being wrong. He wanted to change our passwords because of all the problems I would cause, but then I would act childish and cry, and he would give me another chance. But, then I would make the same mistakes and falsely accuse him and act controlling. It came to the point where he completely changed his pw's and told me that we don't need to be that close anymore. That being that close doesn't make the relationship exciting...


We haven't shared pw's or anything of that nature for over a year or so now. I understand how childish I was and how Ive made very huge mistakes. I understand that he doesnt see me in the same light anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I could have another chance to prove to him Im not controlling or crazy. He will never see me the same way and I just don't know what to do.... I really messed up and when I think about it all I do is cry. I understand that the reasons I was that way was because I wasn't secure with myself. I truly realize how wrong I was and I just have a feeling that even when we do get married in the future, he will always be distant with me when it comes to sharing... Help me please. Will things change?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Only if you change. You need to do some serious exploration of your low self-esteem, which is behind this behavior--which was controlling and not rational. 

You have regrets now b/c your behavior has damaged the relationship--what about him? Put yourself in his shoes for once. Imagine this from his perspective: an irrational crybaby for a girl friend (sorry, I know that's harsh sounding, but think about it that way for a bit). You have fabulous qualities that keep him in the relationship--but he's faced the reality of your limitations. Only you can do something about those limitations.

Don't spend one more moment worrying about what's past--put all your energy into fixing it (for YOU) and getting counseling until you can look back and laugh at what an idiotic, insecure child you were. If you keep crying about it, you are continuing to indulge your feelings rather than taking action and recognizing you both deserve better. 

So, get over it and move on, and things will definitely improve.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Therapy needs to be part of your solution. There is a world of difference between acknowledging that you have issues and taking steps to resolve them. If your sole reason for acknowledgment is to hang on to your bf and prove to him that you have changed - then your'e not actually focusing the origin of the problem and the changes that are for your benefit, not his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyDog8em (Apr 5, 2010)

LoveIs said:


> What are your rules on sharing email,voicemail, cell phone listing passwords, in your relationships?


Well, I can't answer the 'rules' for sharing PWs and such with a GF/BF but I will answer as a husband of 9 years...

My wife and I share each others passwords on everything. Should her or I need to change one for whatever reason, we immediately tell the other about the change and log into the account only to make sure it works. We trust each other completely and I have never really felt I had to check her email, etc. I won't say I never have, and I'm sure shes checked mine at some point, but we have nothing to hide and I can't honestly remember the last time I've logged into her email just to check it. I did find something questionable when I checked hers once, asked her about it, she explained it, and it was understood and forgotten. I don't even remember what it was about. Obviously wasn't a biggie, really.

We dated for about a year or so before we got married. Probably 2-3 mos. before we got married we began sharing each others passwords to emails and such (Actually it may have been during this time when I found a questionable item in her email, not sure).



LoveIs said:


> In all the times I have gotten mad or thought I found something he may have done that wasnt appropriate, I always ended up being wrong.


Doesn't the above tell you anything? Because you say you've always been wrong, don't you think that gives you a good reason to trust him? Have you in fact changed and should he share is PWs with you now, will you revert back to your old ways and become obsessed with it again? Most people don't check up on their SO unless they have reason to suspect inappropriate behavior. Maybe you should just try trusting him since you never spoke of him giving you a reason not to. You aren't yet married, this will need to change when you do get married so I suggest you start building your trust NOW because *MARRIAGE=NO SECRETS*.


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## LoveIs (Apr 13, 2010)

Thank you for your replies sisters359, deejo, and Mydog8em. 

I now understand that my regrets are related to the fact that I severly damaged a great thing I had with this person due to my childish behavior. I realize that it is up to me to change the limitations my bf may feel about my thoughts and behavior. Though I have realized all of this, I feel as though its almost too late. I know its going to take me a long time to change his thoughts about me and to ever even come to considering sharing with me again. I think the long road ahead is whats so discouraging, but I guess I deserve it. 

To Mydog8em, its good to know that there are couples out there that are so open, and thats exaclty how I believe relationships should be. This is how we were until the whole drama where he totally backed away. I think his behavior made me understand how people aren't going to be walked all over and yet still stick around. Lately I have been extremely understanding and I think my bf has been noticing it, but I know he will never want to share with me again. He has made this VERY clear. He says that if I want to see something he will show me, but I can't have his pw's. But I never ask to see anything because I now what he's thinking deep down inside. He now says that people should learn to trust one another and that sharing isn't necessary. Personally, I believe that if you are in a serious relationship, like you said, Marriage=No Secrets.... but I feel as though he does not feel the same any more. If I trust him now, and he notices it, do you think there is a possibility he may want to share again (since he was the one who wanted to share in the 1st place?)?

I feel so stupid writing all of this because I know a person of my caliber should not dwell on these types of ridiculous things... I just can't over this and I know I will never forgive myself unless he's open with me again. 

Like mentioned above, I will work on myself, and give him his space... but I just wonder for the future if there is a chance?!


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Sweetie, re-read your posts and you will see that there is still a chance, a man that would stick with you at the height of your foolishness, is going to stick with you as he sees that you are making an effort.

My advice here, copy and past your posts to your note pad on your computer and share them with him, he will see that you do understand what you were doing, you understand that it was wrong, that you see his patience with you and that you truly want to change, and improve your relationship with him.

Dont worry about sharing the passwords at this point, that is trivial compared to the overall situation. As the relationship improves and your trust in eachother returns you will probably find that you dont want or need his passwords.

Keep us posted but I think if you follow the advice you have been given, you will update us and then hopefully never need this site again for advice. Of course feel free to keep coming back though and maybe helping others!!


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## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

We share all PW's. No secrets.


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## MyDog8em (Apr 5, 2010)

I agree with the other posters here. There is still hope, it may take a little time but it is there. Show him what you've been posting here, our replies. This may help it along. All you have to do is keep trusting him and it will all fall into place. I always try to trust until given a reason not to. But some people, you know, you get that 'vibe' or 'funny feeling' about them, that would be my only exception. If you don't have that feeling about him then I'd say right now you have nothing to worry about. Good luck, you sound like a nice person and I hope all this works out for you in the long run.


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## misslady (Mar 17, 2010)

Seems to me you need to find something else to do with yourself, if you can't get this under control it could ruin your future together. I dont have my husbands password, nor does he have mines but if I say open it up to let me see vice versa it shouldn't be a problem. I believe a person should be able to have their own personal things. You know that you have a problem, now you should work on getting some help, i'm not saying be blind, but you could mess up a good thing, which i'm assuming it is because he's still around.


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## LoveIs (Apr 13, 2010)

I just want to thank everyone for their advice and responses. I took each and every response into consideration. My bf proposed 7 months ago and we are doing fine. I realize what an irrational person I was, but it constantly lingers in the back of my mind that I ruined a good thing. I can't seem to get over it. I can't seem to forgive myself.

I don't know what to do because I think about this sharing password thing all the time. I feel as though that it is going to be difficult for me to stay in a relationship without the openness that once was. Should I give it time? I have been trying to be understanding lately and things have been good. I just can't get over this and won't until he has shared with me again.

I feel like he won't though and I don't know what to do because I firmly believe in this. I am afraid to talk to him about it because of the past. More advice anyone?


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## LoveIs (Apr 13, 2010)

Also, I feel like at this day and age its so tough what relationships have to overcome.

Years ago, there was no email, internet, texting, facebook, twitter etc. 

Those type of opportunities were not there. Now you can just make a new email account in 2 minutes and be done.... It is so hard to trust anyone 100% without some form of proof in front of your eyes.

Though we do not believe in having facebook, its interesting to think about all thats out there...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

LoveIs said:


> Also, I feel like at this day and age its so tough what relationships have to overcome.
> 
> Years ago, there was no email, internet, texting, facebook, twitter etc.
> 
> ...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Why do you distrust this man so much? If he's never done anything to cause you to distrust him, what's going on? 
I do not have my SO's passwords, and he doesn't have mine. No need to. IF he wanted mine, I'd give them up immediately and he could check. He would do the same. There has simply been no need to.
You really need to get this situation solved before you get married. You have to learn to trust. Probably yourself more than anyone else. Get some counseling.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My boyfriend and I each have a document on our laptops which contain all of our passwords to every site we visit, all email accounts, twitter, facebook, etc. We have passwords set on our laptops to get into them, and we have exchanged those passwords. We respect each other enough that we do not check each other's stuff. We both know if we want to see, we can ask and be shown as we have nothing to hide. 

We have never given each other a reason to mistrust each other, so we have never asked to see anything. Do I ever get curious about what he gets in his email or whatever? Sure. But it's not my concern. It's his email, not mine. Just as I'm sure he gets curious about mine now and then, but it's my email. Plus, we do sometimes share in that regard, telling each other about this or that email that we got. 

It sounds to me like you have major insecurity issues. If he's never given you a reason to think you can't trust him, then you need to trust him. You need to believe in yourself enough to think that he loves you and he wants to be with you and that he wouldn't go behind your back and hurt you. This is not about wanting passwords, this is about you wanting him to make you feel better. He is not responsible for that, though; you are.


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