# Do you think i have a right to be upset with FWB?



## brooksdale (Apr 16, 2015)

My FWB and i have been sleeping together for about 6 months now. From the beginning i told him he is open to sleep with others, but if he is i would rather know due to risks of STD's. He said he would tell me if there were any other encounters, but he only wanted to sleep with me, although there is no rule to say he can't. I told him from the beginning i do not believe in multiple sex partners so he would be the only guy i was sleeping with.

I would often stay at his place, and one particular day i left as he was going out with some friends for the night, and then the next day i came back over. When i went into the bedroom i couldn’t help but notice some earrings on the side of the bed i usually sleep on. I don’t have proof but my gut feeling told me that a girl had been there that night (i saw him that afternoon and we slept together).

I asked him if that was the case and he straight up denied it. He said he had been cleaning his room that evening and found some old earrings an ex had left at his place and just put them on the side table. Although this could be true, i feel a bit like it is bs lol. The problem is, i have no proof.

Do you think i have a right to be annoyed? I just personally found two girls in one day (if this did happen), a bit too much and close together. Also, if he is sleeping with others why does he find it necessary to lie to me?

I have always had feelings for him and feel partly to blame getting into this situation. I was hoping it would maybe build something between us, but was stupid to think so.


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## brooksdale (Apr 16, 2015)

Yeah and i started to develop feelings for him so it is. I think i may be best to cut this one off. It is too much constantly thinking of him being with other women. It starts off okay and you thinking you will be fine with it, but the more time goes on one usually realizes they aren't


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'd say that trust is the necessary foundation for any kind of relationship, including FWB arrangements. If the foundation isn't there, there can't be a healthy relationship.

I'd also say that the biggest problem with FWB deals is that feelings almost inevitably arise in one of the parties. If those feelings aren't reciprocated, the relationship becomes a lot more hurtful than beneficial.


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## brooksdale (Apr 16, 2015)

As far as STD's go it was sort of one of those things where he said he wasn't going to be sleeping around and i was the only girl he wanted to sleep with, although there is no rule to say he couldn't sleep with anyone else.

If the option came up to sleep with someone else, i am assuming if there was potential for them to be an item then we would stop what we were doing, but if it was someone else he wanted to sleep with he would let me know it was going to be a possibility prior so i could decide to wait for him to get screened, or decide to stop the arrangement.

The issue is i don't like being lied to and i feel he is most certainly lying, possibly sleeping with multiple women. It was more the risks of oral sex and STD's


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## holycowe (Apr 7, 2013)

Why he wanna tell you the truth if he has another fwb? So you can stop seeing him and he'll lose 1 of his fwb? Hell no
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

It doesn't sound like you are playing FWB very safe. For God's sake make him wear a condom no matter what. You can't trust your health to someone else if you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to buy condoms and insist a man use them.

Get tested and buy a vibrator, it is easier than losing a friend due to an ill conceived FWB arrangement.


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## brooksdale (Apr 16, 2015)

We use condoms for sex, i am referring to oral


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

brooksdale said:


> We use condoms for sex, i am referring to oral



Sorry Brookdale! My bad, the oral risk is much higher for you.

IMO you should be able to expect your friend be honest and honor what he told you he would do. But since you can't no BJ's for him if you are to continue. 

Sorry for my error on the condoms I am glad you are looking after your health.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

brooksdale said:


> I have always had feelings for him and feel partly to blame getting into this situation. I was hoping it would maybe build something between us, but was stupid to think so.


There's your mistake.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

brooksdale said:


> Although this could be true, i feel a bit like it is bs lol.
> 
> Do you think i have a right to be annoyed?
> 
> ...


Sounds like BS but his story is plausible but difficult to believe. I agree with that. Tell him you are having a hard time buying into the explanation. If you are indeed friends, he will empathize with you and offer some additional reassurance. If you are not friends then you will find that out and perhaps consider a reevaluation of your arrangement

Sure you should be annoyed if it is true because of your reasonable request. I do think you are being naïve to think that he would definitely honor your request. It all comes down to how much he cares for and respects you. Again, you may need to reevaluate if you discover your opinion of his trustworthiness is still accurate. 

If he is the dirty dog here then he finds it necessary to lie to maintain a sweet deal for himself. If he is the dirty dog then he does not care to honor your request because it would result in losing your services. 

I hope you straighten this out and you are wrong that he has another he is lying about and you tell him how you feel and ask for an exclusively loving relationship and he says yes.

All the best with it


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Personally I have always considered the FWB thing to be a tawdry arrangement at best. I find it surprising that you would expect to be treated better than what that implies. 
Maybe you should cease and desist in selling yourself short and maybe wait ( yes, wait) for something and someone more meaningful to come along. Cheap meaningless sex and lots of it only jeopardizes your chances finding a real meaningful relationship.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

As you're finding out now OP, FWB rarely work out well. Someone, usually the woman (but not always) always gets hurt.

Generally women can't separate love and sex, while men can. There's always exceptions of course, but that's usually the case. Having sex with a man won't make him fall in love with you - I hope you know that now.

Sorry you're hurting sweets. I think the best thing for your sake is to end the arrangement and move on.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

OP I know where you are coming from as I thought I could handle a FWB. In the end I couldn't separate my feelings from just sex. If there is a smoking gun"earrings" best you ask of exclusive or end it. You do not want an STD because then you are stuck having to discuss this with any relationship you might have in the future. Condoms don't protect you from everything.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

OP, be careful with this guy. Clearly you have feelings for him. I think he is being a bit manipulative with those feelings. You've offered him an out, saying he can be with others but you just want to know about it. He tells you basically "I only have eyes for you" and you emotionally invest further in him.

Either he commits to being an exclusive couple, you become just friends, or go separate ways. As it continues I don't think it will be healthy for you emotionally or otherwise. 

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

FWB is never a healthy choice UNLESS you are absolutely dedicated to the idea that you intend to never marry and/or to reproduce.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

there are some guidelines too FBs and FWBs, but just like with legal marriage, not everybody follows the guidelines.

There is nothing wrong with setting ground rules at the beginning of relationship. In my younger years, I had at least one FWB. they have their advantages, one one hand you enjoy their company, the sex is good and it keeps you from racking up your numbers. the two of you can also be honest that well, you're not my marriage material. they guy admitted to me that he was going to please his mom and marry within the faith.

but as you have learned, some people agree with their fingers crossed. and so, like any other relationship, if you are not happy enough with even anyone aspect of the relationship, it's time to dissolve it.

As for the earrings caper, by itself, I remember a guy I was dating about 10 years ago, we were clunking along and one day he asked me if I had left some earrings at his place because he found a pair. I said I was not missing any. My sister told me I should have said yes, those are mine, where are they and see if he produces. Next time, of course.

OP, we don't know if he bought some cheap earrings and set them there or if there was at one time a real woman attached to them.

One thing we do know, is that FWB is passive-aggressive. That is, he agrees to stuff and either does not follow through or looks for ways to put you off balance.

Personally, I don't have any moral problems with FBs and FWBs. As I said, before, far better to have sex with the same guy 10 times than...... well, I don't need to finish that...... as long as you two agree that when away from one another, you can look, explore but just don't touch just yet.......

Another downside with FWBs is that, as you can see, a few people do see it as immoral. If you don't choose your FWB partner well, that kind of stuff can get around and, yes, not do favors for your representation.

Unfortunately, it does not always work out that way. I bet you though, in your case, once you start launching procedures, he's probably start backtracking and making concessions / promises to you........ but really do you want to grow that agro again.....

You may have to make do with Father Thumb and the four franciscan monks to make do until you find what we normally call "marriage material."


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

I've had 2 FWB relationships, the first ended up nasty (she spray painted and scratched my car) the last one became my wife. This things RARELY ever work out because someone always ends up with feelings. It's just impossible to feel nothing with someone you're intimate with unless it is strictly sex, meaning no bed talk, no breakfast, no movies, no chats unless it's about sex arrangement. How boring

I had little problem ending it with FWB #1 because i had no feelings for her, she was hot but we were too different. She got mad because i admitted that there was an ONS and i gently ended it right there and then.

Now FWB #2, like you my present wife also just did it with me but she had no romantic feelings. I flirted with someone else but ended it because of guilt, which was weird because according to the rules i could do it (with protection) but i couldn't because i was falling for my wife. When i heard that she was getting close to someone else it hurt like a real b!tch because hello? I thought what was i supposed to do to be considered as a bf, sex with her? check, made her breakfast? check, took her to doctor appointment,gave her back rub, listened to her about her problem, check all of that. 

If you have feelings for this guy, clearly this won't work out. I'm not saying that your feeling is wrong but your intend is, he agreed because he was getting strictly sex without expectation. You should a. tell him with the risk of him saying no, but at least you won't get sucked in deeper or b.continue this relationship and turn a blind eye


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is a man you are trusting your personal health with, along with the possiblility to bring another life into this world with. Do you think that is a good idea on your part?


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> Daniel. - can you elaborate on what you did? You left us hanging a bit... you started to get feelings and she was looking at someone else. Obviously you turned things around with her, but maybe give OP a walkthrough of what you and your wife did to turn it from FWB to exclusive with her attention on you.


It's all about feelings, either you have it or you don't. She had been having it for a while but stuffed it down because she thought i wasn't a marriage material, considering my history with no real serious relationship so she kept looking for a potential. Second, i'm not much of a sayer, i'm a doer. She said i had never said things like i like you or i enjoy spending time with you so in her head it was strictly sex, later i told her well i cooked dinner for her, watched her favorite tv shows so she wouldn't feel alone because no one else watched it, took 3 days off from my work so i could took care of her after her surgery, i thought that was more than signal. She thought i was being a 'gentleman' but not necessarily love

Long story, she ended it and i agreed. I had issue with commitment that stemmed back from my childhood, mom left because dad went bankrupt and married a richer guy. I had never really wanted to get married in the 1st place, had seen so many people divorce because of financial problems and i didn't want ended up being the poor guy whose wife left for richer guy. It took me a month until i gathered the courage to contact her again. Apparently she had already ended it with the previous man so we started to date for real. And speaking of sex , it is way way better compared to when we were in fwb


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Once you have feelings for someone, that's the end of any FWB. If he says he "only has eyes for you" and other sweet nothings, then it's a relationship, and you should judge it as you would a relationship - and end it for the same reasons you would a relationship.

In all probability, he's telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to ensure your continued availability.

My guess would be he's not a one woman man at this point in his life and you're one his pocket women. The earring story is far fetched. "Yeah... cuz, the night stand is exactly where I keep things I find in my house that belong to other people." So on one hand you should drop him for likely being dishonest, but moreover you should drop him because you have feelings for him which he doesn't have for you. You're outside the terms of a FWB.


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## brooksdale (Apr 16, 2015)

Yes, I always felt like the earring story was a lie.

I told him today that i am in love with him because i am. He doesn't feel the same but wants to remain friends. Do you think it is best to go no contact completely due to my feelings? I don't know what to do really.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Yep. No contact. In the long run you'll save yourself a lot of grief.

I've had the same thing happen to me in my first fwb arrangement to be honest. She got attached and I didn't. At the time, I lacked a certain kind of awareness/wisdom, and thought... eh, we can still be friends... because we were friends and I knew hookup potential was still there. I felt no guilt because it was her choice and she knew where I stood.

So we stayed friends, and here and there we'd still end up hooking up. Over time, she felt used/hurt/whatever in spite of her choices and my being totally honest... eventually had a meltdown called me an azzhole.

He has no duty to protect you from your own decisions. You do what you judge is right for you. If you're in love and he isn't, and he isn't interested in progress toward it, then the train wreck is coming. Save yourself the grief.

If you don't go no contact, you'll probably keep feeling what you feel, you'll probably still slip up and sleep with him again, and it's almost certain you're just prolonging your own agony. It really won't be his fault, but you'll blame him for it.


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