# Is it just a fantasy



## ZombieBride (Dec 6, 2017)

Hi everyone. I question should I be worried. My boyfriend recent search of porn was VR porn, strangers touching and some videos where women are telling what to do with yourself (more like commanding), among other types. I have nothing against the use of porn but these searches raise few red flags. We've been together for about two years, sex was good, for the last month something was different, can't say exactely what. 
Why I am worried about these types of porn is that he searched for something to activly participate. I am affraid he is bored by me and my body because he've seen it all and can't stop asking what will happen in 5 or 10 years. We are both in our early 30is, no kids.
Am I right to be worried and bring it up or it's just a fantasy and I should levae it alone?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many people watch porn showing things that they don't want to do in real life. 

In this case if I understand right it sounds like he is watching porn where women are dominating / commanding men to do things (masturbate etc). That might be a fantasy that you could easily act out for him. No harm to you - it might be something special you could do for him. The assumption is that he would then try to fulfill your fantasy. 


That said, his trying to find ACTUAL PEOPLE to interact with is a whole different issue. He may think its the same as porn, but to me (and many other people) once it is interactive with a real person, it changes and gets to be a lot more like cheating. Since he may not see it this way, talk to him!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime a person gets involved with another actual person other than their spouse and is actively communicating with them about sexual things, I think the marriage is doomed. I'm pretty confident with that statement, actually.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Porn use is so damaging for a marriage, and it will often develop into worse and worse things because what they used to watch no longer arouses them. 
Its a downward spiral unless he stops completely.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

I can't speak for other guys.

All the porn I watch is stuff I want to do. 

I mean, what's the point of watching stuff you have no interest in?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For me its like any other fantasy. I enjoyed Assassin's Creed. That doesn't mean I want to spend my life kung-fuing people, it was just a fun fantasy. Same for a wide range of movies.

Porn in the same - there are lots of things that are fun in fantasy that might not be any fun at all in real life. 






Bonkers said:


> I can't speak for other guys.
> 
> All the porn I watch is stuff I want to do.
> 
> I mean, what's the point of watching stuff you have no interest in?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Bonkers said:


> I can't speak for other guys.
> 
> All the porn I watch is stuff I want to do.
> 
> I mean, what's the point of watching stuff you have no interest in?


Since you asked... >

A lot of people have fantasies, kinks, interests, whatever you want to call them, that they have no desire to act out in real life for various reasons. For example, I think group sex is hot...in fantasyland. I am a monogamist who is possessive and territorial. Actually engaging in group sex would be a disaster of truly epic proportions for me.

@ZombieBride, going by the description you have given us, I have to wonder if your boyfriend is a bit into Domination/submission play. If he is, and you're willing, you can meet this desire for him and he can give up the interactive porn sites. As a separate issue, you'll have to decide if you view interactive porn sites as cheating. Personally, I'd feel very hurt and betrayed. I would consider interaction with a live person cheating even if they've never met in person.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Perhaps he's looking for you to take a bit more control in your sex life. Not uncommon.

My wife and I are both somewhat passive when it comes to initiating, and each of us wants the other to be more aggressive in this area. During sex, it's pretty even, maybe with me being slightly more in control of things. But both of us would prefer if the other took the bull by the horns, so to speak, every now and again. I do occasionally. She never does.

All that to say, perhaps you could try being a bit more aggressive, or controlling of events, or something along those lines. My wife likes it when I do this, and vice versa - although she never does


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Read through: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com

I read it yesterday and some some interesting things that keep popping up on this forum, and most likely related to your issue:
_
An Italian study found that 16% of high school seniors who consumed porn more than once a week experienced abnormally low sexual desire. Compare that to 0% of non-porn users reporting low sexual desire. The take away is that addiction is not required for either significant brain changes or negative effects.

Over time a porn user’s brain can mistake feelings of anxiety or fear for feelings of sexual arousal. This helps explain why some porn users escalate into ever more shocking or anxiety invoking porn – as they need that extra neurochemical jolt just to become sexually aroused, or to orgasm.

Specifically, overstimulation has produced plastic changes in your brain, which make you less responsive to pleasure—and yet hyper-responsive to Internet porn. These addiction-related changes are called desensitization and sensitization, respectively. Together, they explain why porn does the job and your hot babe doesn't.

Glutamate stimulation is why porn can still ring your chimes even when your reward circuitry has stopped responding to dopamine and real partners._


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ZombieBride said:


> My boyfriend recent search of porn was VR porn, strangers touching and some videos where women are telling what to do with yourself (more like commanding), among other types.


Easy fix, go to your local army surplus. Buy an officer's uniform, get a baton if on sale, if not, visit the sex shop. Dress up. Surprise!

Play. Profit. Win.

Have fun!


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