# Should I?



## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

I am married to a man and have three children - we have been married 6 years but together for 16;
Since our relationship started there has been cheating and also since my marriage I have cheated several times;
My husband has also been physical towards me and called me horrible names like ***** and **** even within the listening of our children;
He works and is not a drinker;
We argue a lot and every other day there is a problem;
There has been good times but I am always in fear and walking on eggshells;
I recently met a man that fell in love with me and I have fell in love with him - he has showered me with gifts and says beautiful things to me, has taken me places I have never been and our sex life is out of this world;
I am now pregnant with my new lovers child yet my husband does not know yet;
I love my husband in a way because we have been together for so long, and I don't want to hurt him;
I really need peoples advice


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

I want to be with my new man but I am afraid of what may happen, what family will think and also the children;


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

kristinjames said:


> I want to be with my new man but I am afraid of what may happen, what family will think and also the children;


Where were you over Labor Day weekend? We all were chomping at the bit for a post like this!

Seriously, end your marriage in Trollhaten (you are Swedish, right?) and live a fulfilling life with the new guy. Your ex will understand in time.

Cheers,
V(13)


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

no I live in USA and am American


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Yikes, Kristen. You've been behaving irresponsibly and now you've got a major situation. You really shouldn't have created a new life until you knew for sure where you stood in your relationships.

Well, you know what he's going to do if he finds out you're pregnant with another man's baby.

You've basically got your decision already made for you. Here's hoping that when the fog wears off, you and you new lover have something substantial that you can build a life with. 

Break it to your three children gently and with love.


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

my children are all under 12


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well this is certainly a bit of a sticky-wicket you've got yourself into.

Let's see, your husband beats you and has called you a ***** and a **** in front of your children. You live in fear of him, argue constantly, and walk on eggshells when he's around. Yet you still love him and don't want to hurt him.

Why on earth would you want to stay married to a beast like this?

You've fallen in love with another man and are now pregnant with his child. Divorce your husband, run off with the new guy, and take your three children with you.

Btw, how do you know the baby is the new guy's and not your husband's?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

he has good points - he loves his children and is a good father - he has protected me and been there for me for many years - he is not all bad - he says he loves me yet he hates me - he belittles me all the time and never wants to be with me when I go to family things or events I want to go to - all he does is play games on his phone and to make matters worse he smokes dope - yes I have and do too - its a family thing - I also smoke cigarettes as he does - I have been his object for years and his 'girl' and yes he has done good things - yet he gives me no affection or surprises or makes me fell truly loved - he lost his mother recently and I fell bad for him - our relationship has not always been bad but I fell trapped in the life I have - I have found true love in a man that truly loves me and looks up to me and does not belittle me or put me down - this man I have met is amazing beyond belief - yet I am trapped in my soul and what people will say and think - I want to break free I truly do but I do not want to hurt him or people around us - its a big step yet I know inside its the best step - I have to be strong but you know as I do - complacency plays a big part - I am used to this life after all these years - I am used to abuse and name calling - should I be? - I want to be me and find MYSELF and as my new partner says - be strong and believe in yourself and throw away the chains because you only have one life - your happiness is real he says - he says wonderful things to me I have never heard - I truly love him dearly - but still afraid of the past and the future


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## Jenny Anderson (Sep 2, 2015)

First I think that you should confirm the love of the new guy to you. If he truly loves you, I think you should follow your heart to be with him. If he just says beautiful words not to do it, you should reconsider the relationship with the new guy. I think maybe you need some methods to test the new guy. Hope you are happy!


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Well this is certainly a bit of a sticky-wicket you've got yourself into.
> 
> Let's see, your husband beats you and has called you a ***** and a **** in front of your children. You live in fear of him, argue constantly, and walk on eggshells when he's around. Yet you still love him and don't want to hurt him.
> 
> ...


he is not a beast - I do not like that word;
I know what you mean but its not all him - its me too - I have never hit him or abused him - but I have cheated - why I don't know - as my new man tells me - once it happened that's when your relationship ends - you are only kidding yourself you have something he said - and I know its true - I cannot blame myself - I can only blame emotions - since married I have cheated - slept with others - not many only a couple - this man I have now we have the greatest love life ever - its amazing!
we have been seeing each other for over 5 months - he is not perfect but he does not physically abuse me or out me down or mentally abuse me - he is amazing and he wants to be with me and will do whatever it takes (non violent) to help and guide me through this


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

Jenny Anderson said:


> First I think that you should confirm the love of the new guy to you. If he truly loves you, I think you should follow your heart to be with him. If he just says beautiful words not to do it, you should reconsider the relationship with the new guy. I think maybe you need some methods to test the new guy. Hope you are happy!


I don't need confirmation - we have made love almost everyday - I have never made love and been so satisfied as I am with him - he has proven his love to me over and over and over - this is only a small snippet of what he has done for me and my family - he bought a house and rented it out to me and my family so me and my children can live in a better place and my husband - he employs me full time, he took me to NYC and dined me at the famous Waldorf Hotel - he has showered me constantly with gifts all the time - it never stops - he texts me when he can and tells me how much he loves me - he pays for things for my children and put money in bank accounts for their future - he helped my cousin out when they were being evicted by giving them $1000 to pay off debts - yes money is nothing but he gives and gives - he makes me fell like a woman and not a object and he truly loves me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has this new guy said that he wants you to leave your husband?


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Has this new guy said that he wants you to leave your husband?


not in so many words - he is not demanding


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Well this is certainly a bit of a sticky-wicket you've got yourself into.
> 
> Let's see, your husband beats you and has called you a ***** and a **** in front of your children. You live in fear of him, argue constantly, and walk on eggshells when he's around. Yet you still love him and don't want to hurt him.
> 
> ...


we have sex once in a blue moon - I am pregnant WITH MY NEW MAN 100 PERCENT


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How did you manage a romantic getaway to NYC -- what did you tell your husband?

And he has already bought a house for you and the kids to live in even though you still live with your husband? Does he live in the house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How do you manage to have sex with your illicit lover every day? Where do you even do this?


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> How do you manage to have sex with your illicit lover every day? Where do you even do this?


none of your business and it means nothing that you know - your question is just nosey - I asked for advice not people asking questions that are meaningless


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

kristinjames said:


> none of your business and it means nothing that you know - your question is just nosey - I asked for advice not people asking questions that are meaningless


Look, we're asking questions because we're trying to make sense of your situation and offer you constructive advice. You posted asking for advice, no reason to get testy if we ask for clarification.

I suppose you won't answer my earlier questions either, but I'm curious to know how you managed a getaway to NYC with three young children at home, and also whether or not the new man is living in the house he bought for you. In other words, is he there waiting for you and your kids, did he already live there, or is the house sitting empty?

We can't offer cogent advice if we can't make sense of your situation.


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## kristinjames (Sep 9, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Look, we're asking questions because we're trying to make sense of your situation and offer you constructive advice. You posted asking for advice, no reason to get testy if we ask for clarification.
> 
> I suppose you won't answer my earlier questions either, but I'm curious to know how you managed a getaway to NYC with three young children at home, and also whether or not the new man is living in the house he bought for you. In other words, is he there waiting for you and your kids, did he already live there, or is the house sitting empty?
> 
> We can't offer cogent advice if we can't make sense of your situation.


Ok I work for my new man and work at his home that's how we make love;
I told my husband it was a biz trip to NYC - my husband lives in the new home my new man bought and we rent it from him


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So, he's your boss, landlord, and lover. Soon to be baby daddy.

My advice - just get a divorce.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have fun w/ this one, folks.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> My advice - just get a divorce.


Agree. Once your husband finds out you're pregnant with your boss's child, it's likely to end up that way anyway. Tell your husband the truth now, file for divorce, and move on with your life.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kristinjames said:


> I don't need confirmation - we have made love almost everyday - I have never made love and been so satisfied as I am with him - he has proven his love to me over and over and over - this is only a small snippet of what he has done for me and my family - he bought a house and rented it out to me and my family so me and my children can live in a better place and my husband - he employs me full time, he took me to NYC and dined me at the famous Waldorf Hotel - he has showered me constantly with gifts all the time - it never stops - he texts me when he can and tells me how much he loves me - he pays for things for my children and put money in bank accounts for their future - he helped my cousin out when they were being evicted by giving them $1000 to pay off debts - yes money is nothing but he gives and gives - he makes me fell like a woman and not a object and he truly loves me


So he gets sex every day and you get financial returns, sounds like prostitution to me. Is this man ready to marry you? If not then you know what you are to him. I imagine once the relationship is no longer illicit, and the day to day reality of a woman with kids and extended family who always need something, your new beau will run for the hills. Wonder who is using who is this arrangement?

meanwhile your poor cuckold husband sits in the new house totally oblivious. You know what you are totally deluded. Why don't you just divorce your BH and ask your new beau to put a ring on it, see what he says.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Can you send your husband here?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kristinjames said:


> none of your business and it means nothing that you know - your question is just nosey - I asked for advice not people asking questions that are meaningless


Or pointing out that what you are saying is impossible to believe.

On the ridiculous chance that this is true, you are a selfish, self-centered CHILD and your kids need better parents than either of you. 

Do something decent for once and give them up for adoption or to some relatives to raise so they don't turn out as screwed up as the two of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aine said:


> So he gets sex every day and you get financial returns, sounds like prostitution to me. Is this man ready to marry you? If not then you know what you are to him.


QFT


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If this isn't a troll post it should be.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Assuming not a troll..

If OP is pregnant and having extremely rare sex with her husband it's all moot. 

Presumably, her H can do math and will easily be able to see it's not his baby and that the OP has been in an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm not sure what answer you are looking for. I think at this point you really don't have much of a choice, you should divorce your husband.

A couple thoughts, I question if your husband is as bad as you say he is. I believe everything you've said about him. He sounds somewhat immature, and if by "physical" you mean he has been violent with you, then yeah that's awful, as are his negative words. But you say he's worked hard, he's a good dad, he has been faithful to you, and other faults you mentioned you are just as guilty of (drugs, smoking, etc.). That to me would be a perfect scenario for marriage therapy and a couple of good books that could help each of you wake up to the other's needs. Like your need for him to want to do things with you and say nice things to you, for example.

Second, you are very clearly in the affair fog with your new lover. I'm not saying that the love isn't real or that it will certainly fall apart in time or that he isn't a great guy or anything like that, but I am saying that within the fog you are going to naturally amplify all of the traits you like about him, while being mostly unaware of any negative traits he might have. Why? Because it's an affair, you don't live with him, you don't have to raise children with him every day, or deal with laundry together, or see him leave messes for you, or wake up to his morning breath every day, or see any of his personal demons, etc. That's what an affair does. You get 100% of the good with the other person and none of the bad. When you see each other, you are there just for each other to have fun, then deal with "real life" apart from each other. Marriage has a lot of great qualities, and a few unpleasant realities as well, but in the affair you get all the qualities while your marriage (husband) takes the blame for all the unpleasant parts. Bottom line, none of it is real, it's all fantasy. I'm not saying it couldn't become real in the future, but you can't know that right now.

So in any case, give your husband a divorce because I can't really imagine your way too deep in the fog and have abused the marriage way too much to come back from it right now. 

Also, one last thought, the fact that your affair partner hasn't talked to you about leaving your husband and marrying you should be an enormous red flag for you. Seriously. If he really loves you, really truly, then he wouldn't want to share you, he'd want to commit to you and your children. By not talking about it, sure he can act like he's just trying to not be pushy, but that's also an easy way to hide the likelihood that he just enjoys having you around for fun. If I were you, I would start asking him very directly if he wants to marry you and is willing to commit. If he doesn't enthusiastically respond with the affirmative, then I'd say he's been using you.


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## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

Worried about "children under 12".. You have one unborn with "your new partner"

Tell your husband ASAP,


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## mmcm3333 (Sep 12, 2015)

The one concern I for your under aged children. Your decision to cheat- for whatever reasons you justified- has now led to more serious issues that can screw up your kids and you have to be careful and take responsibility.

Let's be completely honest and I'm not going to sugar-coat it: If your husband was so bad, you should have left him before you went to another man. Your husband was good enough that you had not one, not two, but three children with. I get the appeal of another man, but not the lack of responsibility. Certainly (after three children) you know how to prevent pregnancy, but now (with a new pregnancy) this is compounding the problem and making it worse for your kids (and awful for the kid that isn't even born yet). So your children, who are already suffering in your current marriage, will be suffering through a worse situation because of your selfish decisions. Some of your following posts don't even mention your kids- you're in love, having great sex...but not a word about your kids? You come off as immature and selfish. Once you become a mom, the kids are your main priority- not your love life. 

So how do you fix this? I'm not sure. By now you should have already prioritized your kids' well-being- making sure your kids are protected, getting the best life you can give them, etc. despite your issues, but the situation you got yourself into shows you're more concerned about yourself. Make the right decision for them- not for you. Find a way to minimize this screwed up situation and let your kids be able to have a good life no matter the consequences for your personal life (assuming you're not being beaten). You can leave your husband ASAP and get this new guy to commit to you (and more importantly, to your kids). Get remarried as soon as you can so you don't screw up the new baby, too. If you do this, get your kids into family counseling ASAP. Understand that this new guy will never have a real commitment to your existing kids, and don't pretend the new baby won't be affected. But know that this awesome sex life you have now may fade once reality hits the new guy. It's all fun now- but when it becomes real, with three kids and another on the way, add in the drama of a divorce and money, it could easily change.

You can also stay with your current husband and just make it work for the sake of all the kids (and don't mention that the new baby could be someone else's and suck it up or give this new baby to another family). 

Frankly, I get the frustration, loneliness, and sadness of having a bad partner. But with small kids, you have to sacrifice your issues for them. They're the real victims and they have no control- they rely on us to take care of them and they're stuck with our decisions even if they're bad. As parents, it's our obligation to do the right thing for them- and our issues/requirements are secondary.


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