# Your opinions on people who don't want childen



## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

So this is a question i got:

If in a relationship everything is great beside the fact that one of the partners (the man) does not want children but his woman likes them. Lets say that she gives in to his will and promises to not have any. Will the guy be considered a scumbag for not giving his woman what she wants? And also what kind of chances are there that in the long run she won't have a child anyway "by mistake"?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What was discussed early in the relationship? And the guy can always get snipped, if he's serious about no kids... 

C


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

Yes it was made clear at the beginning


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

This is why my first LTR and I split up.

We loved each other. She would never have got pregnant by 'accident' and I wouldn't pressure her to stay and not have the kids she wanted.

We gave each other four pressureless years to change. Neither of us did. Her insisting we have children or my insisting we didn't would not be acts of love,, they'd be selfish acts.

So, you have a fundamental incompatibility. You don't stand in the way of the core desires of those you love. If you can't fulfil them in good conscience, you let them go.

Sometimes doing the right thing hurts,, but it doesn't hurt for long.

Nothing the matter with wanting kids or not wanting kids. It's only wrong when one forces their wishes on the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

His opinion was made clear, or hers?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In any case, neither one is right or wrong, or a "scumbag". But it's one of those things that there is no compromise for. If they can't resolve it, they need to let each other go. 

As far as the odds of her getting pregnant, he has options to protect himself. As far as her forgetting a pill or something, that all depends on her ethics. No way we can guess the odds. 

C


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> His opinion was made clear, or hers?


I mean both opinions, like:

Ok, lets not get pregnant because the man does not want to


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> This is why my first LTR and I split up.
> 
> We loved each other. She would never have got pregnant by 'accident' and I wouldn't pressure her to stay and not have the kids she wanted.
> 
> ...


It is indeed an incompatibility, but its kind of hard to find many women who don't like having kids


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't think either is a scumbag. But both need to realize that it is normal to change.

You might have gotten married and both agreed on no kids. Maybe she wanted them, but was willing to compromise for the relationship. Maybe she didn't want them ever.

But either can change. As people age they change, it is inevitable. Things that weren't so important before become more important. Couples have to change together. Maybe the compromise one person made before marriage is similar to the compromise the other needs to make to keep the marriage going.

Maybe the issue is a deal breaker and there is no compromise.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: Your opinions on people who don't want childen*



mr.bunbury said:


> It is indeed an incompatibility, but its kind of hard to find many women who don't like having kids


They do exist. But if you have a "deal-breaker" relationship criteria, you just have to look harder. 

My SO never wanted kids. She actually belongs to a social group for similar women. When dating, it's a pretty simple filter, like "are you a smoker". If the two of you got married hoping the other person would change their minds, you were both rather foolish. Or willing to take the risk, I guess. 

C


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## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

I think people who don't want children shouldn't have them - it is terribly destructive to a child to feel unwanted (and they will feel it). I also think a relationship is unlikely to survive long term when there is a difference of opinion on this. There will be resentment on one side or the other.

If a person is absolutely sure they do not want children, they should do everything they can to prevent that happening and not rely on the other person to take control of contraception.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

mr.bunbury said:


> It is indeed an incompatibility, but its kind of hard to find many women who don't like having kids


True, but they do exist, and you're less likely to find them if you're dating women who do want kids and trying to get them to change their minds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Having kids never really appealed to me, and I'm a women.

My personal reasons:

Expensive

Crazy world would be worse by the time my children grew up

I have seen too many friends become single mothers or fathers, and how rough their life is/was 

I have nieces and nephews I can dote on, and get my kid fix

I like to go out and do things, without worrying about a babysitter, or the daily essentials kids need

Do I feel selfish NO it is my life, and it is what is best for me and my life style. If I was ever serious with a guy and the kid conversation came up, I was up front about it and protected myself to keep from getting pregnant.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: Your opinions on people who don't want childen*



Lostme said:


> Having kids never really appealed to me, and I'm a women.
> 
> My personal reasons:
> 
> ...


You sound very much like my SO. :—) 

C


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

mr.bunbury said:


> So this is a question i got:
> 
> If in a relationship everything is great beside the fact that one of the partners (the man) does not want children but his woman likes them. Lets say that she gives in to his will and promises to not have any. Will the guy be considered a scumbag for not giving his woman what she wants? And also what kind of chances are there that in the long run she won't have a child anyway "by mistake"?


Yeah, generally, this is a scumbag move.

You know what she wants. And either will not or can not give her the children she sees in her future. Will she try to circumvent your wishes? No... She'll live on. Just not as fully as she would have liked her life to go.

Even giving her the option to leave...won't work. You'll both know that's what she truely wanted. She'll give all that up for YOU.

Are you deserving of her sacrifice?

That's the question you should seek an answer to.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

This is something to be talked about before marriage. I know a couple where she didn't want children but he did. He ended up divorcing her for someone that did. 

If you really want children you should think twice about marrying someone that doesn't. You might end up resentful over it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No one should have a child to please someone else, just as no one should give up their wish to have a child because their partner doesn't want one.

This is a big issue with no compromise unfortunately.

The partner who doesn't want children is not a scumbag. The partner who does isn't wrong either. The partner who "accidentally on purpose" becomes pregnant - THEY are the scumbag. That's a disgusting thing to do.

This is something that couples should discuss and agree on prior to getting seriously involved. Yes, either party could change their mind, but if you are 100% sure you do/don't want children, then you should only marry someone who is on the same page as you.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

mr.bunbury said:


> So this is a question i got:
> 
> If in a relationship everything is great beside the fact that one of the partners (the man) does not want children but his woman likes them. Lets say that she gives in to his will and promises to not have any. Will the guy be considered a scumbag for not giving his woman what she wants? And also what kind of chances are there that in the long run she won't have a child anyway "by mistake"?


I think that guy is honest. So the woman shall be honest too to tell him she wants kids. If they have different life goals, then they shall not get married. Why a man doesn't give what the woman wants is a scumbag? Is the woman who doesn't give the man what he wants(no kids) a scum bag too?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

mr.bunbury said:


> So this is a question i got:
> 
> If in a relationship everything is great beside the fact that one of the partners (the man) does not want children but his woman likes them. Lets say that she gives in to his will and promises to not have any. Will the guy be considered a scumbag for not giving his woman what she wants? And also what kind of chances are there that in the long run she won't have a child anyway "by mistake"?


Why would he be a "scumbag" if she, a grown ass woman, made the choice to give up her dream for him?

If having children was of the utmost importance, she should have ended it, not "given in" to his will. This isn't like deciding to compromise on the wallpaper, or giving up your dream to have a ping pong table in the living room.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm really thankful that God hasn't given me everything I wanted but what He wanted me to have and everything He knew I needed. Some of the greatest blessings in life first appear as challenges. I wasn't planning on fathering my two daughters and I was actually taking measures to avoid doing so. I'm really glad my plan didn't work out because they both have added quite a lot of joy to my life. He might as well accept that no matter what he plans for his future, his actual future is going to be very different. Having said that, a man who absolutely doesn't want kids should not be dating a woman who absolutely does. Anyone who just have to have their way is going to be unhappy in life and in any relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is a severe compatibility issue and the relationship needs to end.. there can be no compromising on this.. loving pets will not quench the soul of a woman who longs to be a mother. 

Some women may not realize they want kids early on.. then something changes down the road.. which can wreak havoc on a relationship.... if she KNEW while dating.. she should have ended it before attachments grew too strong.... 

I think we all need to ask ourselves ...at the end of the day...how much resentment (as this will lead to blame for our unhappiness) we will heap on another for such* a sacrifice* as this..


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

This is something that is usually discussed right at the beginning of the relationship. I mean most girls that I have dated usually talked about children only a few weeks into the relationship. That is usually high on women's priority list. You're not a scumbag for not wanting children. You are honest. Some people just can't do children. Some people should just not be parents period. 

Changing your mind through the relationship to not wanting children and dropping the bomb on your wife, that would make you a scumbag because she has already committed to you on a promise. Being honest in the beginning about your likes and dislikes, seems perfectly normal to me.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

I can't judge people who don't want kids because I am a woman who never wanted kids. There are plenty of people who would say that is selfish, but thankfully here people seem to be more kind and accepting. Before my husband and I got serious we made sure we agreed upon all the big issues which were essential to us: faith, family (kids), finances. We had to be on the same page. We both did not want kids. He had foster children with his first wife and felt no need to have any more children. I never wanted kids. We agreed 100%. I realize it is the exception rather than the rule and that most people desire children.

If she "accidentally" conceives - I would think there ought to be a discussion about that. Have a plan in place - stay together and make the best of it, or else dealbreaker. Don't leave it to chance. It could turn out to be a blessing but it also could turn out badly and destroy the marriage and give the child parents who hate each other or end up divorced.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kindnessrules said:


> I can't judge people who don't want kids because I am a woman who never wanted kids. *There are plenty of people who would say that is selfish,* but thankfully here people seem to be more kind and accepting.


 This was a post I left on a similar thread -when the subject comes up about childless couples being selfish.. I do not agree at all.. and I try to explain WHY here....as someone on the other side completely....



> *Simplyamorous said*: Honesty is so very important...we all come from different situations and these experiences can GREATLY influence our desires for our future and how we envision happiness..
> 
> Speaking from one who Dreamed of a larger family (I hated being an only child & envied my best friends large family growing up, they inspired me)...yet I would never say this about childless couples -EVER.....I have always stood up for couples who choose to NOT have kids.... because if there is anything I have learned in life & the pursuit of happiness...by just observing others...their story's....it is this >>>
> 
> ...


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

Thanks for the responses. Given that opinions differ i would say the only thing i learned is that it is tough when one decides not to have any children.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, I'd say what's tough is marrying someone who has opposite ideas on one of the key relationship stresses... Money, kids, religion.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mr.bunbury said:


> So this is a question i got:
> 
> If in a relationship everything is great beside the fact that one of the partners (the man) does not want children but his woman likes them. Lets say that she gives in to his will and promises to not have any. Will the guy be considered a scumbag for not giving his woman what she wants? And also what kind of chances are there that in the long run she won't have a child anyway "by mistake"?


He would be considered a scumbag only by extremely shallow ignorant people.

If he truly didn't want children and meant it there could be no "mistake" because he would have gotten the V.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Revamped said:


> Yeah, generally, this is a scumbag move.
> 
> You know what she wants. And either will not or can not give her the children she sees in her future. Will she try to circumvent your wishes? No... She'll live on. Just not as fully as she would have liked her life to go.
> 
> ...


Crap.


He's a scumbag because she gives up what she wants to be with him?

How is he a scumbag if he has informed her of his boundaries and she has accepted them?

Screw her "sacrifice" he didn't ask her for it.

She should have put on the big girl panties and moved on to someone who wanted children.

"Sacrifice"

:lol:
:rofl:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

No, he's not a scumbag. If the woman was informed of this from the get go, and there was no 'maybe' thrown in to string her along, then it was her own choice. It's not like there's only one guy on the planet, you just go and pick a different one... (no offence)

As for 'accidently' falling pregnant, if the guy who doesn't want kids stays with a woman who does, he's choosing to take that risk imo.

People should just find someone they are compatible with. It's really not rocket science.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

tacoma said:


> Crap.
> 
> 
> He's a scumbag because she gives up what she wants to be with him?
> ...


May you never have to choose...


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

I think everyone gives up things and makes sacrifices for their SO, especially after marriage. However, children are NOT part of that! If a woman who wants children marries someone who doesnt and stated that from the beginning. She doesnt get to be miserable about the choice he made. Yes, people do change, but many people who are now old still dont want children and dont regret not having them. Forcing someone or "accidentally" getting pregnant, is not the way to go. If a woman chooses that, then SHE is the scumbag, not him.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Revamped said:


> Yeah, generally, this is a scumbag move.
> 
> You know what she wants. And either will not or can not give her the children she sees in her future. Will she try to circumvent your wishes? No... She'll live on. Just not as fully as she would have liked her life to go.
> 
> ...


I completely disagree. 

If it's been discussed and he doesn't want kids but she does, that doesn't make him scumbag if she decides to stay with him.

In your scenario, I would be said scumbag.

I'm with a woman who always wanted kids, before we got together. I have two teenage boys and I've had a vasectomy, many years ago. I told her from the get-go that I don't want any more kids, I can no longer have them, and even if I could, I still wouldn't want any more kids. That part of my life is over.

My girlfriend chose to stay with me, and no longer wants kids of her own. I have asked her a handful of times during our relationship if she ever thinks about having kids, and she insists she no longer wants them. She's happy with my kids, her nieces and nephews, etc.

Do you think I'm a scumbag because my girlfriend would rather spend the rest of her life with me, than with someone else who can have kids? It's her choice to stay with me. She could leave and find someone who wants kids, but she'd rather be with me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she knew he did not want children from the beginning and she does want children, then she should dump him and move on to find someone who does share her same view of having children.

People are not "scumbags" for not wanting to have children. Sure, it doesn't fit into the "white picket fence" dream but we all have different dreams and no one should feel ashamed or like an awful person for realizing they do not want children. MUCH worse to have them when you DO NOT want them. 

Also, if it is something she is steadfast in, he can also dump her and find someone who also does not have to have children.

The children thing is kind of a big deal and one of those things you both should be on the same page on, if you are going to have a LTR/marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

mr.bunbury said:


> So this is a question i got:
> 
> If in a relationship everything is great beside the fact that one of the partners (the man) does not want children but his woman likes them. Lets say that she gives in to his will and promises to not have any. Will the guy be considered a scumbag for not giving his woman what she wants? And also what kind of chances are there that in the long run she won't have a child anyway "by mistake"?





Revamped said:


> May you never have to choose...


But that's the whole point. She has CHOSEN to stay with him despite that. It's not wrong to not want to have kids. It is wrong to stay years in a relationship with someone who doesn't share a fundamental view that you do if yo uare going to be upset about it day in and day out when you had the knowledge from the beginning.

Hypothetical example: Say I hate drugs. Boyfriend uses drugs. I choose to stay with boyfriend despite him saying he's never going to stop using drugs and I make a big stink about it. 

Who has egg on their face? I do.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Your opinions on people who don't want childen*

I'm a woman and I do not think the man is a scumbag over this issue. A grown woman who decided to stay on with the man is not the man's fault, especially if this was discussed before marriage or in the beginning of their relationship, unless he was not honest about it, and gave her false hope. If the man really does not want kids, may be they should have something written, just on the safe side. He needs to use protection too, or else he may end up having to provide for his "by mistake" child.

I've heard some women think it's a smart move to have kids to keep the man too.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

No, the guy isn't the scumbag. If, from the beginning, it was discussed between both partners that children were not to be a part of the marriage, then she could have chosen to leave. 

She stayed hoping he would change his mind. That makes her the scumbag. We are dealing with children here, not the color of the granite counter top for a kitchen remodel. 

Children, as small as they are, are actual people...with feelings. I was severely neglected as a child and reminded quite often how I was just in the way of a good time. 

It's cruel to try and "force" a child onto someone who doesn't have any interest in them...for both the adult and the child. 

That said, if the man does not want children, he should be on the phone making an appointment for a vasectomy ASAP. You cannot leave birth control in someone else's hands. That's YOUR responsibility.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Slightly off topic. The decision not to have children doesn't make one a scumbag. The decision to vote against every local proposal that benefits children does make one a scumbag, and obviously that attitude isn't limited to people without children. 

It always amazes me how some people ignore the fact that they were children and maybe had children at one point. So upkeep for things like recreational fields in town was fine when they were kids or had kids, but when they are grown or their kids are gone, the upkeep is a "waste of money". 

To those people I say: move to a retirement community with all of the other crones and geezers in spirit, where you don't have to put up with anyone else's children.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Slightly off topic.
> 
> To those people I say: move to a retirement community with all of the other crones and geezers in spirit, where you don't have to put up with anyone else's children.


Super off topic. Lol. But funny as hell.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

There is an interesting interview online with Christopher Walken where he says he never could have had such a prolific career if he had had children. He is in a happy 50-year stable marriage, and they live a quiet life. He didn't say if he wanted kids and chose not to have them, or if they were physically not able to, or if he has regrets for not.


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