# Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"



## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi All - 

I can really relate to those who post on here about the "limbo" of separation, and having no idea what the outcome will be, nor having any control over it. I am six weeks into what we agreed (well, what my husband told me) would be at least a three month separation, for him to take space to sort himself out and see if he can come to terms with whether he wants to stay married. 

There is no one else as far as I know, but last time we got together (this past Saturday) I noticed he was no longer wearing his wedding ring, which gutted me :-( I remarked on it, and he said not to read too much into it -- that it was like me taking down the wedding pictures. He noticed I had taken them down last time he came by to pick up mail, and I said that it does not mean I have given up on the marriage -- to the contrary -- but that it was painful enough for me to be living alone in the place that represents the life we built together, and it felt too sad to see the wedding pictures every day (we've been married 5 years and together for 7). But I still can't help thinking that his not wearing his ring anymore does not bode well :-( 

Also, when I go on Facebook, I automatically check to see if he has changed hhis status from married to separated -- but he has not changed it so far (that would be the next dagger, I suppose).

I am doing the 180 and it has only 1/2 way through the three month window, so I know that I have to be patient. I'm doing everything I can to make each day the best it can be, and not focus on him and the painful rift in our marriage. Just wanted to vent here, I guess. A day at a time right?

All Best Wishes, - A12


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi, A12. So sorry to see that you've had to join us here for this reason. Go ahead and vent away -- there are many here who will understand. 

You're doing the right thing by focusing on yourself. Do you two have kids? Are you able to get out of the house -- job, doing things with friends, family nearby, etc.? That is going to be soooo helpful at this time. If you're like I was, you didn't have really any friends outside of work, and no family nearby. (We do have 1 child) If you're like this, it's vital that you start doing things to get you out of the house. 

It may be really, really hard to start doing things on your own if you've been used to doing them with your H, but I can't emphasize enough how important it is. If money is an issue, consider volunteering for a local organization you admire (Human Society, or Food Bank, or Meals on Wheels, for example). It will help you to not focus on what's going on. That can eat you alive.

Not wearing his wedding ring in public is not the same as you taking down your wedding photos at home. I'm really sorry to tell you, but it doesn't seem that he's trying to find a way back to the marriage. He's testing the waters. 

It's good that you're doing the 180 to him, but you have to try to do it inside yourself, if that makes sense. It's really, really hard when you still love him, I know. But he's not treating you the way you deserve. He's only thinking of himself right now. As many here will tell you, the purpose of the 180 is to get you used to the idea of things not working out, not to try to get him to miss you and come back. 

Please stop checking his Facebook. Mine side-stepped this by simply taking down his relationship status, period. So he didn't have to tell anyone (like his family) that we were separated, but he also didn't have to limit his possibilities by saying he was married. We just didn't have a relationship anymore. Which was pretty accurate. You might even consider blocking him on FB, so you don't see any of his updates. The key is to do things, ANYTHING, to help yourself grow and keep you distracted from thinking about him and your situation. It really does help. 

He may or may not come back. But you will be better off either way. Good luck! ((hugs))


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Awakening,

I know how it all feels. My story is here. Start from my first thread and see how "limbo" has been the story of my life.

As a veteran limbo-liver, my suggestion to you is: Don't get comfortable in it. It's toxic and a complete waste of life. I feel so spent after all these years that I simply don't care anymore. Don't get to where I am. Don't let your husband destroy your sense of 'self'. That's what I allowed my wife to do. My inner-child is so badly damaged by now that it thinks it's 'okay' to be in limbo. In fact, it's kind'a addicted to it. My wife has figured this out and uses it to her advantage. 

Don't get comfortable.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Have read Divorce Remedy?

I personally changed my status to separated after I got tired of his bad behavior. Then a couple of weeks later I just took it down. My stbxh has his as separated.

Several of the books that I bought all shared the idea of 'accept that it's over' and work on fixing what you can in your life and let go. It really does help and then if things end up working out you will be happily surprised but meanwhile you can stop hurting so much by trying to move forward.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

A12,

It's also possible that he was hurt by you taking the pictures down in the home he shared with you.

He may be thinking the same thing you are, that wearing the ring is too painful a reminder.

Are the two of you in counseling? If not, why not? The marriage will not heal on it's own


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

A-12, I feel your pain. Do the 180 for yourself and you will feel stronger. You are a good person who deserves better than you've been getting. I'm going out with a group of friends this weekend and I'm really happy. He's a jerk.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Well 3 or so weeks into our separation my stbxw reactivated her Facebook after 6 months just to switch it from married to single. You see, the very night before I removed her along with all her friends and family simply because I didn't want to cause a Facebook scene. She on the other hand is a self centered piece of work and didn't consider anyone but herself. After she changed the status my phone went off the hook with friends and family asking me what was going on.. seeing how it wasn't public.

I called her, angry. Its just Facebook she kept saying. Told me she would take it down but never did, then her account vanished the next day. Either blocked or went inactive again. I still have my Facebook, but really, having anything connected to her on there isn't good. I haven't deleted our pictures yet but made all the albums private.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Funny side note, the first thing she mentioned when I called her about it was the fact that I had already removed her. She broke it off with me but it seems that every effort I make to distance myself from her she just gets even more mad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

A12- I went back and read your story, so now I think I understand a little better. It doesn't really change anything I said before, but I do see that he isn't interested in joint counseling. This is really sad. If he is also dealing with depression, chances are it would be helpful for him as well. Lots of times, it seems that people with serious mental illnesses do not realize the effect it has on those they live with. Not to bash them -- I am one of 'them' & have been treated for atypical depression off & on for years -- but it's not really a focus of health providers, either. It is really good that you're going and working so hard. You will not regret it, no matter how things turn out.

There's not really much you can do about him. Forcing or begging him (not that I'm saying you're doing this) to try counseling will backfire. He needs to want it for himself as well as for the marriage. He may be going through a depressive episode right now, and needs to hit his own bottom.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

A12: I never did the FB thing but my STBXW did for years. And even right after the separation, which is about one year old now, I'm told (by mutual friends) that she had listed her marital status as "divorced" at that time, and continues to do so up to this day.

I cannot help but believe that her actions were so "premeditated" that I truly think that you could find her example so aptly listed as such under that word's heading in the dictionary!


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi angelpixie and arbitrator - Thanks for your kind feedback. I do have much to keep me busy and much to be grateful for, including meaningful work that pays well, my CrossFit gym (which is better than therapy!), and friends and family who love me and don't judge me.

angelpixie you wrote: "Not wearing his wedding ring in public is not the same as you taking down your wedding photos at home. I'm really sorry to tell you, but it doesn't seem that he's trying to find a way back to the marriage. He's testing the waters."

This may be true, and I am prepared to accept that this separation could be the beginning of the end instead of the new beginning I still want to have hope for. He claims he "does not have energy or interest" to date others, and is just working on himself and his issues in individual therapy (he has so far refused couples counselling). So he has gone in his cave, until he makes a decision, and I am doing my best not to dwell on him and to use this time to rediscover myself as an individual (not as half of a couple).

When he phones me, he still calls me "Hon" and "baby" (giving me false hope? ). Who knows. Ultimately, it takes two people to believe it is worth the effort to fix a broken marriage --whether he thinks it is worth fixing is up to him. I just look forward to having a decision, because if he is not coming back, I cannot wait to move out of our house that makes me so sad to come home to without him there -- just the ghost of him and the memories of happier times.

Will check in later -- thanks again for your feedback and support!Have a great day!

Best, - A12


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Toffer - Thanks for the feedbakc. He has refused couples counselling so far, but goes to his own therapist. I go to a couples therapist on my own, who also sees individuals and she has been VERY helpful to me. She agrees with your advice not to push him in any way, but says also not to decide in advance that it is hopeless -- to give it time and patience.

Cheers,- A12


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi All - Thanks again for everyone's kind feedback, much appreciated. I ought to have mentioned, we do not have children (married in our mid 40s -- which makes the marriage the more precious to me, having waited a long time to get married to the guy I thought was the man of my dreams). I suppose not having children makes it less complicated for us, should the split become permanent, although no less painful or heart-breaking for me. I want to move on for my own mental health, but until the 3 months is up and we have a decision, I cannot afford to just move out and start paying for a rental apartment on my own, as my husband is already doing (he signed a short-term lease, or so he told me). He is chipping in on the cost of our mortage for at least these 3 months, then we'll see where we are. That's the deal, and so far he has kept his word and sent me checks for May and June (also painful, since I used to cut him a check each month for an agreed amount towards our expenses, then he took care of the bills).

I can keep myself busy, be social and use other coping skills, but the limbo of the living situation will be this way for at least 6 more weeks or until he makes a decision which way this is going.

Today, he rang me while I was at work and getting ready to head to a meeting, asking me about my plans for the Memorial Day weekend (he knows I am going out of town to visit my parents) and called me "baby" a couple of times, and was all chatty -- I guess in a good mood today, I wish I could learn not to care. May I please borrow someone's copy of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Not Giving a Damn"? 

Thanks again! Have a great evening. Best, - A12


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

If you get a copy of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Not Giving a Damn?" let me know. I could use it too.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

I changed my status to single and blocked both her and the OM months ago. Has done wonders for my mental health. 

In an ironic twist of fate, I met my current lady friend on Facebook. Was an old high school almost flame. We reconnected, became friends, found we had a lot in common, and well...hopefully next week will be a GOOD week. 

Block your stbx. Not only will the temptation to spy on them fade, it also prevents them from being able to spy on you. That mystery works both ways...that is, even if you want your spouse back. I don't, so I personally don't care. I just value my privacy and don't feel she has any right to know what's going on in my life. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeding just a little bit of info to mutual friends...just enough to let her know I'm moving on, but also just too little so it keeps her guessing. And I NEVER inquire about her. 

I just hope she pulls her head out so we can get the divorce over and done with. But I don't think she will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi ToolForGrowth - Thank you for your comments, and I am glad to hear you have met an interesting lady friend! I imagine that once one becomes open to dating others, it eases the process of moving on -- good for you! In my case, I do not yet know whether my husband is a STBX. I hope not -- I hope there is still some possibility however remote that he may decide he is willing to at least give counselling a chance to see if we can heal the relationship. But if not, I am preparing myself, mentally and emotionally and considering my options in terms of my living situation (where I will move, because I am not staying on our home if he isn't coming back). 

If he changes his, I will reconsider the FB status and also whether to keep wearing my rings -- also will reconsider once we reach the 3months timeframe he imposed or if he takes action to officially end the marriage before the 3 months are up.

All Best Regards, - A12


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

My heart goes out to you. Limbo sucks. I couldn't take it. You sound like you're dealing with it a lot better than I did. I didn't get happy until I started pressing forward with D. I wish you the best of luck! 

I'm definitely not telling you what to do, and I'm very sorry if I gave that impression.  I just know that in my experience blocking her helped me, even when I still wanted to work things out. It helped break the codependency cycle, cuz I was very codependent.

Also not trying to push you into the dating scene. I was just sharing my ironic twist of date...how Facebook started out being something I hated right after the separation to being the thing that opened a new door for me. Life is silly that way. 

I really hope things work out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi toolforgrowth - 

Thank you for your kind words. I wish you all the best, as well.

Cheers, - Kim


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi A12-How are you doing? Glad to see you posting here,not because of your situation,but because you're getting some good feedback and encouragement.Maybe they should start a new forum called Limboas so many others often find themselves in that situation for a variety of reasons.By your posts it seems like you're running on a pretty even keel given the circumstances and that's a good thing.

From all you've said of your husband I don't necessarily get the impression that he's leaning towards divorce.He's still calling and seeing you and the way he talks to you obviously you're on his mind in a good way.I feel comfortable telling you to have hope because I feel from your posts you know to balance that with realism and not bury your head in the sand.My personal hope for you is that in 6 weeks or so I'll see you on the reconciliation forum,and so to that end I'm sending you nothing but positive thoughts.

Take care.TBT


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi TBT - Many thanks for your thoughtful message, and kind wishes. I am feeling sad today, because I just returned from a nice weekend visiting family in my hometown in MN, and it was tough coming back to the home I shared with my husband. I haven't heard a word from him since Wednesday, when he called to ask about my weekend, plans. Today it felt so strange and painful coming back to our place, after a happy and distracting weekend away -- I was flooded again by all of the memories, good and bad, as well as such a deep sense of grief and loss. I had myself a good long sob shortly after coming in the door, just stood there wailing :-( I could not shake the irrational fear that my husband has forgotten about me and our marriage completely, and has erased it from his mind as if the entire past seven years together never happened and meant nothing. I have been making such good progress with myself, and cannot afford falling into the muck of self-pity, and crazy thinking that I should still matter to him -- when I know the focus for now has to be on mattering to myself. I do feel grateful that I got to spend the weekend with people who love me and do not judge me, and reconnect with family. I am feeling better now, and ready to make it a good week  Hope it is a good week for you, as well!

All Best Regards, - A12


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

A12, I too spent the weekend with family and am now home alone. It is definitely difficult. I can't be here for more than a minute without turning on the tv and all the lights. Even then, I still feel most comfortable in bed. After two months, I had hoped I would feel better here alone, but I guess it will take more time. A lot of us at tAM are not thrilled to live alone, nevermind in the homes we shared with our exes. I am packing his things as I can handle it, little by little (he took a lot but not quite everything...not quite sure what the intent was...)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

hey all, just wanted to offer my support as well. holiday monday is difficult as you mentioned. good to spend time w/ family on sat/sun, but coming back to an empty home on mon with nothing to distract me is difficult. keep looking at old photo albums, wedding albums, refusing to let go. meanwhile, stbxw is off w/ friends, posting pics of clubbing and drinking on FB. supposed to come back home today for dinner and i was waiting to meet her for dinner. didn't hear anything for so long so finally checked in and she said 'oh yea, not coming back for dinner, sorry'... why am i sticking up for a relationship this one-sided?

sending out hugs and cuddles to all you who are feeling alone. you are not alone.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*



gear1903 said:


> hey all, just wanted to offer my support as well. holiday monday is difficult as you mentioned. good to spend time w/ family on sat/sun, but coming back to an empty home on mon with nothing to distract me is difficult. keep looking at old photo albums, wedding albums, refusing to let go. meanwhile, stbxw is off w/ friends, posting pics of clubbing and drinking on FB. supposed to come back home today for dinner and i was waiting to meet her for dinner. didn't hear anything for so long so finally checked in and she said 'oh yea, not coming back for dinner, sorry'... why am i sticking up for a relationship this one-sided?
> 
> sending out hugs and cuddles to all you who are feeling alone. you are not alone.


Gear:

Hang in there! I greatly feel for you and know all too well what you must be going through! Just be so cautious through this process because there is always the possibility that the hurt might still return. Be judicious, wise, and understanding. But please stick to your guns.

No one wishes you success like I do because therein lies fulfillment. But if you ever reach the point that you see that it is not meant to happen, well therein could also lie prudence.

We're here for you in any event. Take care of yourself!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*



Toffer said:


> A12,
> 
> It's also possible that he was hurt by you taking the pictures down in the home he shared with you.
> 
> ...


Good points.

Don't jump to conclusions about his motivations, just as you don't want him to jump to conclusions about yours. If you want things to work, you have to try to make them work. Is he willing to go to counseling with you through the separation to help him decide if he wants to stay married or not? Do you know what you want?


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi Moxy - Unfortunately, so far, he has refused couples counselling, but is still seeing the therapist he had been going to once-a-month since before I ever met him (began seeking help to cope with depression after loss of his Dad). He says he has doubled down on therapy, so he is working on himself to see if he can come to terms with his resentments and fears. 

I found an excellent couples therapist who also sees individuals, and went to see her by myself -- she knows Michelle Weiner-Davis, and subscribes to a similar approach. She said to raise the request for couples counselling again at the end of the three months "trial separation" or when and if he makes a move for divorce, whichever comes first. She said at that point, it would be fair for me to ask for a couple of sessions with her as a means of honoring the marriage by working together in a healthy, constructive fashion to either decide whether and how to move forward, or to disolve the marriage and get closure. He'll have the right to say "no," but at least if I ask then I will know that I did all I could to give it a chance. If he refuses, I may go to a few more sessions myself at that point, to help me let go and move on. 

Obviously, as others have said, the marriage is not going to fix itself, and I have told him it is hard for me to see how we can move forward (either way) without some mediation from a neutral 3rd party. I don't know...perhaps this is just defensiveness on my part, but I am getting really sick and tired of his rejection and distancing, and starting to question whether I even want to get back with im even if he does decide he wants to make the effort. 

At any rate, I am glad to be back to the work week, and my routine, and hope everyone has a great week! Thanks again for all the kind support and encouragement.

Hugs,- A12


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

A12: I'm so sorry. Being in limbo is rough.

I recently had to remove my STBXH from my Facebook. I knew he was online chatting with random women (even though he denied it like mad). He had blocked me from seeing everything on his Facebook, but hadn't outright unfriended me, and we still had our statuses as 'married'.

I went to check my feed the other morning and there was a pic of this totally hideous chick in a sexy pose on my wall. Below it were comments from my STBXH saying that she should show him her tats, and maybe he would show her his. This was posted publicly, late at night. I guess STBXH was too drunk to set the privacy settings on the message.

So I removed him and set my status to Separated.

I really hope things work out for you, however that may be.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Sad when you have to check your Facebook staus to see if you are still "married"*

Hi Kearson - Thank you for your kind words of support and understanding. I am so sorry that your STBXH is behaving so disrespectfully. Good for you to get rid of the whole FB thing, given his disgraceful actions. I hope the best for you, too. If alcohol use is a problem for him, I have some familiarity with the destructive toll of substance abuse on relationships (being in recovery myself). I hope that is not the case in your situation, but if so, it is hard to see the possibility of healing the relationship unless and until this would be addressed. 

All Best Wishes, - A12


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