# I'm considering a sexless marraige



## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

My wife and I have been married for close to 8 years. We have kids. We have a good marriage. We get along. Love each other. Have fun together. Parent well together.

Our sex life is a disaster. I want it more than she does. We fight about it constantly. It's the main thing we fight about. I don't see us ever seeing eye to eye ever. She views it as a chore. As much as I try to make it better it just gets worse. I want to give up.

My question is this. Does a sexless marriage work? I'm starting to think its the only way.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Consider shoving toothpicks in your eyeballs instead.

What happened? Can she talk abut the change? Try to listen to her response and not argue. These things take some time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are her top three complaints about you - ASIDE from sex?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yes, a sexless marriage can work, as long as both people are happy with it. Doesn't sound like you are.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

BTW--your question makes it sound like a sexless marriage would ultimately be your choice, not hers. Don't fool yourself. She's choosing it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No a sexless marriage doesn't work, at all. 

Your wife views sex as a chore? So she doesn't get much fulfillment from having sex?

How old are your kids? How much time alone, not in front of the TV, do you spend with your wife? When was the last time you two got away for a weekend with out the kids? When was the last time you two went dancing?

Do you see where I'm going here? How do you rate the level of passion between you two? Have you ever heard of Esther Peril? She wrote a book that I think is fantastic, called Mating in Captivity. 

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

We have a pretty good active marriage. We go out on dates and sex typically is pretty good. It's fairly regular. On paper it's great.

But it's not on paper. We're constantly fighting about it. i try to compromise but it's really her way or no way and I can't live like that. 

I want to have a good marriage for our kids. I don't want to lose her. She's awesome. 

Some days I touch her too much. Or I try to initiate sex too much. Or I hint at wanting it that night and it's a huge fight. I can't just turn it off. Say screw it I'll just stop trying to be a partner to sex and see if she innitates or wants it. I'd rather just not do it. 

So she wants to be in 100% control. That means if she wants to take care of herself and forget about sex that day she can no problem - and I'm left hoping today is the day. I can't take care of myself if I need to because what if she wants it? Then it's not as good for me because I just took care of myself a few hours ago. I get no say? I can't do that. I'd rather just not do it at all. I don't see any other option and I really just want the fighting to stop


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Answer the questions.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

Sexless marriages can work.


So can loveless marriages

So can marriages with spousal abuse

So can marriages with substance abuse

So can marriages with bad sex

So can open marriages/marriages with swinging

So can marriages where one person brings no money to the table

So can marriages where one person is useless

So can marriages where one person goes outside of the marriage and the other isn't allowed to. 


Let face it, all marriages are unfair arrangements in some way. It's hard enough to consider picking a lifetime roommate let alone this person is solely responsible for your sexual satisfaction, raising kids with you and getting old. 

It's what your willing to live with. Now if she has a problem with you going outside the marriage, masturbating or going to strip clubs then it's an issue. Then it's an unfair expectation for a person to live and it's a prison. At that point she wants the relationship to fail. But who knows, maybe she'll be cool with it. Maybe it would make her realize she wants you.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

bshale said:


> We have a pretty good active marriage. We go out on dates and sex typically is pretty good. It's fairly regular. On paper it's great.
> 
> But it's not on paper. We're constantly fighting about it. i try to compromise but it's really her way or no way and I can't live like that.
> 
> ...


How often are you having this fairly regular pretty good sex? Does she always turn you down initially and then give in to having sex after you fight about it? Or does she often willingly have sex, just not every time you want it? In what way is it _*her *_way or no way?

I'm just curious because your post seems to contradict itself. And if you're frustrated by not as much sex as you want, I don't see how having a sexless marriage will solve that problem. Unless the problem you're trying to solve is hurt feelings from being turned down? Either way, I don't think you'll be happy at all in a sexless marriage.

There's not enough information yet to be sure, but it kind of sounds like your reaction to "not as much sex as you want" or her "treating sex like a chore" is to punish her by never asking for it again. You won't have a great marriage in all other ways for long if you go down that road.

This might help:
The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Also, if your feelings are hurt by her reaction to your overtures, try very hard not to take it personally. Women simply are not wired the way men are when it comes to sex. Understand that it's not an insult to your manhood that she doesn't want to be intimate all the time. But if you really have a good marriage I would explain to her, at a neutral time, that you are frustrated and hurt and want sex more often. You need for your marriage to be as important to her as the kids and everything else that holds her attention. Maybe she would be happy to have a quickie or give you a blow job or hand job to tide you over between the longer, more intimate love making sessions.

As a woman, once you feel like your husband's sex drive in insatiable compared to your own, it's very frustrating because you feel like you can never give him enough to satisfy him for longer than a few hours. You start to feel harrassed and objectified. And then you want sex less and less. At least that's been my experience.

And btw - when you say some days you "touch her too much," If you're walking up to her and just putting your hands on her breasts, ass, and/or crotch, um, I would never do that again. 99.9% of women absolutely HATE being groped out of the blue like that. HATE with a PASSION. It makes them feel like a hunted animal who can't feel comfortable and safe around their own spouse. Same thing if every time you hug or kiss her it turns sexual. That is not affection that tells her she's loved and cared for, that is sex, which is great in its time and place, but is not a substitute for the affection most women want/need.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

bshale said:


> We have a pretty good active marriage. We go out on dates and sex typically is pretty good. It's fairly regular. On paper it's great.
> 
> But it's not on paper. We're constantly fighting about it. i try to compromise but it's really her way or no way and I can't live like that.
> 
> ...




I'm sorry I posted before I read all the comments. My other post is still relevant, but I just posted about the same exact scenario a few days ago. I think you'll find this thread very relevant. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/336465-jealous-wifes-masturbation.html


I am in an almost identical situation and people have been very helpful with their comments. 

I too have to be the initiator. Therefore I deal with a lot of rejection. We don't get into fights over it, but it's mainly because my wife doesn't get riled up. Inside I'm mad but I don't express it. 

Because of this scenario there was one point where I quit having sex with her completely for about 4-5 months. We've been married 9.5 years and this was around the 4 year mark(no kids yet at that time). I was tired of the game so I went rogue. I was tired of getting stonewalled and I couldn't believe that at 30 my sex life was basically in shambles so I said **** it and whacked off more with no regard for her needs. What happened? Nothing changed. She never came onto me more and we had no sex. She eventually just said "So I guess I just don't do it for you huh?" and she was dead serious. She just assumed I was done and pretty much wanted to know if I wanted to split so I could be happier sexually. Without actually telling her my feelings I resumed an imbalanced sex life and have ever since. 

My wife is also a supremely cool person and I don't want to lose her. Making this work is THE most important thing in my life.

Moral of the story? A marriage is nothing more than an arrangement people choose to stick out or not. I know that sounds depressing but I have endless stories about different marriages and how people got the short end of the stick. Some stay, some don't. Can you find happiness in yours? Sure. You may even find more than you ever imagined. Life is a game, it's all in how you play it.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> And btw - when you say some days you "touch her too much," If you're walking up to her and just putting your hands on her breasts, ass, and/or crotch, um, I would never do that again. 99.9% of women absolutely HATE being groped out of the blue like that. HATE with a PASSION. It makes them feel like a hunted animal who can't feel comfortable and safe around their own spouse. Same thing if every time you hug or kiss her it turns sexual. That is not affection that tells her she's loved and cared for, that is sex, which is great in its time and place, but is not a substitute for the affection most women want/need.



This is a mistake I've made. I want my wife to feel special and sexy, maybe in the same way that I would want to feel, but women don't work that way. 

Also on the flip side my wife initiates NO sexual situations ever and this has screwed me up bad. Then she'll say things like "I really wanted to have sex with you last night" while having thrown out NO signals different from any other day. I never know what's supposed to be a sexual situation or not. Is she in the mood? Isn't she? Can I deal with the rejection right now or can I live with missing the opportunity to avoid the rejection. What If I do nothing and I find out later she masturbated? What if I get rejected and find out she masturbated? 

A lot of no-win situations here.


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

You're right, it may be my fault for my behavior. Maybe I need to change but don't know how. 

I'm open to anything because really the sexless marriage sounds good still


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So answer the questions.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

PersonInSpace said:


> This is a mistake I've made. I want my wife to feel special and sexy, maybe in the same way that I would want to feel, but women don't work that way.
> 
> Also on the flip side my wife initiates NO sexual situations ever and this has screwed me up bad. Then she'll say things like "I really wanted to have sex with you last night" while having thrown out NO signals different from any other day. I never know what's supposed to be a sexual situation or not. Is she in the mood? Isn't she? Can I deal with the rejection right now or can I live with missing the opportunity to avoid the rejection. What If I do nothing and I find out later she masturbated? What if I get rejected and find out she masturbated?
> 
> A lot of no-win situations here.


Wow - suddenly I'm glad I'm not a man! One thing I would suggest is when you do try to initiate sex, don't do it suddenly out of the blue. My H and I are both pretty LD at this point, but sometimes we'll pass each other and hug and the second he touches me he'll say "Do you want to go love?" I'm think WTF? Where did THAT come from? And hesitate, and before I can adjust to the idea, his feelings are hurt and he's saying NEVERMIND! 

When your wife says she wanted sex the night before, have you ever asked her "Why don't you initiate? I'm always ready!" She may just figure it's the guys job to initiate all the time.

But it also sounds like a bit of BS to me... Last night has come and gone and she's saying "oh by the way I wanted it last night" as a way to make you feel desired without going to the effort of actually having sex. You could have had it last night but now I'm no longer in the mood... I could be way off base, it just seems a little too _*convenient *_to me.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

bshale said:


> You're right, it may be my fault for my behavior. Maybe I need to change but don't know how.
> 
> I'm open to anything because really the sexless marriage sounds good still


Read the books, links people have suggested and answer the questions. People want to help you but need more information.


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

Honestly I think the way to go is either split or sexless. I've talked to her a few times tonight and haven't gotten anything to make it seem otherwise. 


She just won't stop lying to me about things I know are true. She's probably lies about a lot more. 

What am I doing


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Brother, I have never been married. So I have no first hand experience to advise you on. However, growing up, my parents were very open with me, and my siblings, about sex and sexuality. My mother as well as my father welcomed me to ask questions.

So when it comes to the topic you have raised here. I will offer this, my mother told me, that her mother told her. My grandmother, married 51 years, told my mother, now married 52 years, who handed it down to me.... Sex is 10% of what makes a happy marriage, but without it, the rest will fall apart.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Sexless marriages don't work. If you've read any of my zillion threads, although most I deleted, you would know what I went through, but I'll summarize real quickly.

My wife grew uninterested in sex, after realizing that she wasn't going to get pregnant, we both have kids from our previous spouses. Her sex drive was only fueled by this notion, after that was gone, so went her drive and desire.

I fought for this for years, trying everything in the book. She would be willing to give "duty sex", but very unemotional and mechanical, and just to try and appease me.

I got to the point that I no longer wanted this, the hurt became too much, so I too, decided to just live with a sexless marriage. Everything else was great and we got along, did things together non romantically, so I figured I would get over the lack of intimacy.

When you're married, you can't become just friends or roommates. Once you cross the line, there is no going back? You can fool yourself and live in denial, like I did, but eventually it crushes your soul.

I battled this for 5+ years. Trust me, you can't talk yourself into accepting this, it will wear you down. Good luck.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Palodyne said:


> Brother, I have never been married. So I have no first hand experience to advise you on. However, growing up, my parents were very open with me, and my siblings, about sex and sexuality. My mother as well as my father welcomed me to ask questions.
> 
> So when it comes to the topic you have raised here. I will offer this, my mother told me, that her mother told her. My grandmother, married 51 years, told my mother, now married 52 years, who handed it down to me.... Sex is 10% of what makes a happy marriage, but without it, the rest will fall apart.


My counselor told me the same thing.

When sex is good, it only accounts for 10% of the marriage, but when it is bad, it affects the marriage 90%.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Answer the questions OP. 

Do you help out around the house?

Do you try to give your wife breaks from her stressors?

Do you romance her? 

Do you you listen to her and empathize with her? 

Do you try your best to take 50% of the load? 

Do you plan getways for her and yourself?

Have you kept in shape?

Is your hygiene good?

Do fart in bed?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Maybe the problem is your listening, OP.

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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

First thing Bshale, don't beat yourself up over this. None of us are perfect and neither is your wife.


You clearly love her and want it to work, so whatever decision you make, keep that in mind. Don't be self destructive. 


I would take a step back. Stop pressing sex for awhile. It might give both of you the breather you need to clear your mind and let you have a fresh approach to the whole thing.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Stop having sex entirely. See how long it takes her to initiate (if she ever does). That tells you all you need to know about sex within your marriage.

I agree with others that a healthy person cannot and should not tolerate a sexless marriage. If you have a strong sex drive and yet you honestly believe you can tolerate being sexless (and it is possible, I have done it for a long time), that is a clear sign you have tremendous problems with lack of confidence and self-respect and you should seek help to understand why you hate yourself so much. Because if you didn't hate yourself, and you have a sex drive, you wouldn't be able to gracefully accept sexlessness.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@bshale doesn't your wife watch porn & use toys? 
So she definitely has a sex drive. 
Does she view sex with you as a chore because there is no fun in it for her? (Like no foreplay or orgasms)



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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bshale said:


> We have a pretty good active marriage. We go out on dates and sex typically is pretty good. It's fairly regular. On paper it's great.
> 
> But it's not on paper. We're constantly fighting about it. i try to compromise but it's really her way or no way and I can't live like that.
> 
> ...


She'd rather take care of herself rather than do it with you? That's a problem! You must be too demanding.

Just a few suggestions:
You want more frequency? Try just giving her oral and taking care of her, and just stopping and not letting her get you off. Go sneak away and finish by yourself. Have her guessing. She will WANT to make you happy if she never knows what's going to happen and doesn't feel like she's got to work on you. Also, she will aporeciate you satisfying HER, and likely feel guilty by not doing the same for you. But be careful not to try to MAKE her feel guilty, as the guilt will drive her desire away. You need to make her think the truth, that you just want her happy. If she's happy, and she's not a crappy person, she will damn well want to make you happy. 

Don't act like you want her. That's a mystery her little woman brain will want to solve. You're no mystery right now. 

Don't let it be a job or "chore" for her. You've got to be willing to satisfy her and stop sometimes and learn to like stopping. Sex will seem easy and relaxing since you appear to be happy with just the intimacy you've gotten from the sex, which is your obvious goal if you're able to take care of yourself.
Make it so enjoyable that she looks forward to it rather than dreading it half the time.

This is all dependent on her having a good sex drive, which I figure she does or she wouldn't be taking care of herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Stop having sex entirely. See how long it takes her to initiate (if she ever does). That tells you all you need to know about sex within your marriage.
> 
> I agree with others that a healthy person cannot and should not tolerate a sexless marriage. If you have a strong sex drive and yet you honestly believe you can tolerate being sexless (and it is possible, I have done it for a long time), that is a clear sign you have tremendous problems with lack of confidence and self-respect and you should seek help to understand why you hate yourself so much. Because if you didn't hate yourself, and you have a sex drive, you wouldn't be able to gracefully accept sexlessness.


Here's the difference between Men and Women in this world. My wife and I have discussed this. If my wife wanted, she could go out to a bar and get laid tonight. She'd had a 95% chance of success. She could even keep her ring and admit she's married. Heck she might not even have to go to a bar, she might get a few willing co-workers if she just spoke up. And my wife is NOT a supermodel.

Men however have a totally different experience. Women don't want to bang married guys. Women don't want damaged goods. If you got divorced there must be a reason. And generally speaking dudes can't just show up somewhere and get laid unless you're super rich/hot/and or famous. 

That being said what is our friend here supposed to do? Put himself and his family through the pain of divorce over his lack of sexual satisfaction so what? So he can get laid again god knows when? Give up a good marriage with some sex for maybe no sex at all and all the problems of being divorced?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

PiS: I agree. But being sexless outside marriage was, for me, less painful than being sexless within marriage. The question is whether the other aspects of marriage make up for that. For me, they do.

For purposes of moving the conversation forward in this forum, I tend to ignore the reality that if couples only have sex as often as the woman desires for herself, the overwhelming majority of men will have less sex than they want and many men won't have any sex at all. Huge elephant in the room. But to mention it is to invite the chorus of "women would want sex just as much as men if not socialized as sex negative and if men were better in bed so women enjoyed themselves more".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> She'd rather take care of herself rather than do it with you? That's a problem! You must be too demanding.


Or not rewarding enough for her. We avoid what doesn't give us pleasure and we make time for what does.

And you have to remember that women don't have the strong drive men do, so for them to want it, there needs to be an emotional connection with it - it has to MEAN something when she has it with you for her to want to go back for more.

I'll ask again: what are her complaints?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

can a sexless marriage work? is that the question?

For normal people, hell no. You will either be miserable or cheat on her.

BUT for two people who are both asexual, it could happen. Or for two very old people that both ED/homonal issues, maybe all the sex they have is cuddling.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

bshale said:


> Does a sexless marriage work? I'm starting to think its the only way.


A sexless marriage would work but only if both spouses want that arrangement. So, obviously here, it's not going to work. It's important to you and I think it's probably important to most men. And some women too, but let's be honest. Women don't care about the actual act of sex like men do. A big no-no for me is when I get a hug and then it really just is a lead to sex. I get a cuddle and it's a lead to sex. I get a kiss and it's a lead to sex. So, make sure that you do those things at varying degrees and do not ask for sex. She may be feeling obligated and when it gets to that, it's a chore.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was in a 100% sexless marriage the last 5 years of my 8 year marriage. It was in denial and didn't want to break up the marriage because of my kids. A man can only take so much. I was either going to cheat on her or divorce. I chose divorce. Been having awesome sex the past 6 months with my girlfriend and life is great once again.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's possible to be married without having sex. There's no law that says someone without legs can't own a pogo stick. A blind person can own a motorcycle, too.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> A blind person can own a motorcycle, too.


but much like op's situation, nothing's going to get ridden?

😆
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

bshale said:


> My wife and I have been married for close to 8 years. We have kids. We have a good marriage. We get along. Love each other. Have fun together. Parent well together.
> 
> Our sex life is a disaster. I want it more than she does. We fight about it constantly. It's the main thing we fight about. I don't see us ever seeing eye to eye ever. She views it as a chore. As much as I try to make it better it just gets worse. I want to give up.
> 
> My question is this. Does a sexless marriage work? I'm starting to think its the only way.


Stop fighting about it. She says no, you say OK and walk away. Go do something else fun that puts a smile on your face.

Tell me what initiating sex looks like. Tell me what happens when you get a no.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

PersonInSpace said:


> Here's the difference between Men and Women in this world. My wife and I have discussed this. If my wife wanted, she could go out to a bar and get laid tonight. She'd had a 95% chance of success. She could even keep her ring and admit she's married. Heck she might not even have to go to a bar, she might get a few willing co-workers if she just spoke up. And my wife is NOT a supermodel.
> 
> Men however have a totally different experience. Women don't want to bang married guys. Women don't want damaged goods. If you got divorced there must be a reason. And generally speaking dudes can't just show up somewhere and get laid unless you're super rich/hot/and or famous.
> 
> That being said what is our friend here supposed to do? Put himself and his family through the pain of divorce over his lack of sexual satisfaction so what? So he can get laid again god knows when? Give up a good marriage with some sex for maybe no sex at all and all the problems of being divorced?


If that were the case, we would never see BH's having to expose to the wives of their WW affair partners.

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> but much like op's situation, nothing's going to get ridden?
> 
> 😆
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Love me some @Fozzy.

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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> I was in a 100% sexless marriage the last 5 years of my 8 year marriage. It was in denial and didn't want to break up the marriage because of my kids. A man can only take so much. I was either going to cheat on her or divorce. I chose divorce. Been having awesome sex the past 6 months with my girlfriend and life is great once again.


Congrats! (Don't marry her!)


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

bshale-

The short version of my story is very similar to woundedwarrior. Just like him, I tried so hard to fix me in hopes that sex would increase. I realize how that it was never the sex I was after. My biggest mistake was thinking that changing my behavior would change her attitude on sex. There's not a single thing that I did that fixed anything. Actually, everything I tried to do seemed to cause more resentments.

Once the sex stopped, which was my decision, I became happier. That may not make sense to you. It was when the sex stopped and my wife (STBXW) never skipped a beat. She acted like all was perfect and had no desire to fix anything. The IC helped me clear my head and prepared me to detach and not be so co-dependent. I feel so hurt, but if we stay married, we will end up hating each other.

I thought I could do the sexless marriage bit, but it wasn't possible. It was never the sex I was after. It was about feeling loved.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think OP is holding back some info that may be pertinent... like they are both in their 80's or he's as big as a house. Whatever.

The problem with thinking a sexless marriage could work is NOT that you can't live without sex. Of course you can. For me the bigger problem was the frustration and resentment of knowing the woman I married, who was both physically and mentally capable of having sex, chose not to meet my sexual needs. No compromise, no discussion.

So I thought I'd just go without or take things into my own hands (so to speak). But the frustration and resentment soon ended that.

I'm sure there are those who probably could live within a sexless marriage but I think it would eventually bleed into every other aspect of the marriage.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

A HD can survive a sexless marriage even if they become a seething ball of resentment. The HD does not need to achieve a zen-like state of acceptance for the marriage to work. All that is required is that the LD be willing to live in denial of the seething ball of resentment sitting next to them. Which is typically well within the LD's capability. Because if they admit they notice the HD's seething resentment, then they would have to address WHY the HD is a seething ball of resentment. Which would require a discussion of the couple's sex life. The typical LD would rather have numerous body parts amputated than have THAT discussion again. So the HD pretends not to be angry. And the LD pretends not to notice the anger that leaks out. And the marriage continues.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> I'll ask again: what are her complaints?


Apparently, one of them is an unwillingness to answer difficult questions.


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## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

Well tou say your sex life is a "disaster" but to me it sounds quite alright - compared to mine. Despite all the problems, you do have sex sometimes. Not enough sure, but sometimes you have sex. On her terms, which sucks, and not enough, which sucks. But still YOU HAVE SOME SEX.

Count yourself lucky. Let me ask you something. When was the last time you had sex? I mean the actual date of it? For me it was February 14th 2014, the night we conceived our second child. Since then nothing. I mean NOTHING.

I have given up fighting as I have learned it doesnt help and just replaces screams od desire with acreams of anger and crying . So I decided **** this I will just wank.

We talked a few times about the issues and like you im always wanting sex but she just basically doesnt feel like it. The closest i got to an "answer" was that she feels too tired because of parenting. I do all i can to help but its not enough. She also mentioned a fear of getting pregnant again - despite me using condoms AND her on the pill! So i said fine i can fix that fear and I voluntarily had a vasectomy in Jan of this year. And thats a whole other post. But to sum up: still no sex.

A few weeks or months without sex is not a sexless marriage. A couple if years and you're getting close.

Good luck.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

The question no one has asked...does she not want sex or just not with you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just a few of my opinions:
I think women on average have just as much sex drive as men. My ex, all my gf's, and my current fiancée have all the sex I could ever have wanted. My fiancée's drive is much higher than mine.

OP's wife, from what I interpreted in his posts, has a reasonable sex drive. She takes care of herself, but won't do him. That's bad. It means a couple of possibilities to me:

She thinks sex with OP is too much work and not enough reward for her, as turnera suggested.

She isn't all that attracted to OP (maybe he could fix that)

She doesn't love him anymore in a sexual way ( which I think is everything- one can find a close friend and roommate easily).

He has a higher drive than her and is pressuring her. This is one I actually understand. Feeling pressured kills desire. It has the absolute opposite effect. But if her drive is really a lot lower than his, I doubt this can be fixed without medical intervention because she has low hormone levels or whatever.
This is why I say never pressure her. Wait a reasonable amount of time. Give her back rubs and kisses and don't try for sex to wean her off the pressure thing.
Wait until she's ovulating and give her the best, most selfless sex you can give her. Try to do everything you can to make her starve for you.

If all this doesn't work? Just divorce, because it just isn't worth it. Sex is important to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Go to your doctor, tell him/her you are depressed, take the antidepressants and see your libido disappear... now you are happy. Job done.


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## Dragonflie (Jun 10, 2016)

You need to figure out the root of the problem on WHY she doesn't want sex. 
Is it because to her sex is just something she's doing for you, or does she ever want it?
Does she want sex, but just doesn't want sex with you? 
Is it about sex, or is it about sex with you?
There is usually a reason on why someone doesn't want sex, could be what sex represents to her, could be resentment, could be lack of sex drive. 
I don't think you can live with a sex less marriage. You don't sound like you can.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Men often just don't understand that, for many women, sex is about the relationship. If she's unhappy, resentful, fed up, bored, whatever, sex is NOT APPEALING. As much as that sucks, it is what it is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> Go to your doctor, tell him/her you are depressed, take the antidepressants and see your libido disappear... now you are happy. Job done.


Or...take the ADs and become your old self again and realize you don't need to stay with a woman who doesn't want you...and leave.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

How do you approach sex with your wife? Are you speaking her sexual language?

My husband is a 32 year old 15 year old when he wants sex. Dry humps me, pulls his pants down, will walk by and flash his penis at me, paw at my boobs if I lay down with him.

My husband is GREAT in bed, but his approach is HORRIBLE. Regardless of how many times I've told him his juvenile approach does nothing for me sexually, he still does it. We have a very active sex life, but I rarely get it the way I want it (through a build up of affection, love and touching). Don't get me wrong, sometimes his advances are funny and make me laugh and I don't mind sex in those circumstances. My sense of humor is a bit juvenile as well. But I would prefer a much more sensual/romantic approach most of the time. 

Yesterday I was laying out by the pool. I'd come in every now and again to get a drink or something. My husband was laying on the couch. I'd go in and give him a kiss. Every single time he'd pull my bathing suit top down. I'd walk away. Come back in a little later, he'd stick his hands down my bikini bottom. Id walk away. Later, he'd pull his shorts down and wiggle it. I'd walk away. Finally, he stopped. I could tell he wasn't happy, but I wasn't in the mood to be "romanced" by a teenager. 

I came inside for good later that afternoon. Laid down on the couch in my bathing suit. He reached up and grabbed my boob. I swatted it away. He pouted. 20 minutes later, he reached out and started stroking my leg. I moved my leg closer to him. Then he reached his arm over me and started rubbing my back. I kissed him on the cheek. He pulled me closer and started kissing me passionately. The rest is history.

Do you get it? It was all about the approach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> How do you approach sex with your wife? Are you speaking her sexual language?
> 
> My husband is a 32 year old 15 year old when he wants sex. Dry humps me, pulls his pants down, will walk by and flash his penis at me, paw at my boobs if I lay down with him.
> 
> ...


I bet the OP would just love to be in your situation. You might not like your H's approach....I think there's something cute about it....but he is definitely into you. And you want that to last, hun. Look at the alternative, methinks that's the message here you might be missing.

I'm just wondering: Have you ever grabbed his crotch or his ass or made some really lewd, suggestive motion with your tongue? Maybe instead of resenting his actions, you could play along...at least some time? And maybe in return, he'd play it your way more?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Unicus said:


> I bet the OP would just love to be in your situation. You might not like your H's approach....I think there's something cute about it....but he is definitely into you. And you want that to last, hun. Look at the alternative, methinks that's the message here you might be missing.
> 
> I'm just wondering: Have you ever grabbed his crotch or his ass or made some really lewd, suggestive motion with your tongue? Maybe instead of resenting his actions, you could play along...at least some time? And maybe in return, he'd play it your way more?


My husband and I have a VERY active sex life. Usually every day, sometimes multiple times a day. This week was kind of dry (woman issue and he doesn't like that) plus we were both very busy. 

At any rate, I do usually think it's funny. And most times it will progress. But there are times when I prefer the sex to build up from a more affectionate place. I think that's just women vs men. 

But yesterday I wasn't in the mood for immature sexual innuendos. I wanted affection. That doesn't mean he can't do those things. I just crave more of a 50/50 split rather than an 80/20 split, know what I mean?

Depending on the day, I'm much more responsive to an approach from affection rather than "hey, play with my penis!" Lol

And yes, I've often just grabbed his crotch, or flashed him my boobs or just gone generally lewd and vulgar on him. Surprisingly, it stops him dead in his tracks. He doesn't respond at all. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I am not sure if we got an answer, how many times do you approach her. Are we talking about twice a week you suggest, and you get turned down flat or are you seeking more. Is she resistant to a backrub or a romantic evening. How long does it last once you do have it. That the woman largely controls timing is not unusual. if you are constantly pestering a wife and mother with two children, you need to be more reasonable and realistic. 

If on the other hand, you propose a modest amount, but are constantly being turned down, consider the 180. Get in better shape, shop for some newer fashionable clothes, work out, and be less predictable. Come home a little late sometimes, and eliminate all attempts at sex. Let her fester and know something is up. (not saying do anything). Ideally, that will prompt a discussion of what is up, and then there can be a candid discussion of expectations and hopefully working out something reasonable. You do NOT want to have this discussion what you want and you feel there is a problem, any discussion to be successful must happen when SHE WANTS and wants to address her marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bshale said:


> My wife and I have been married for close to 8 years. We have kids. We have a good marriage. We get along. Love each other. Have fun together. Parent well together.
> 
> Our sex life is a disaster. I want it more than she does. We fight about it constantly. It's the main thing we fight about. I don't see us ever seeing eye to eye ever. She views it as a chore. As much as I try to make it better it just gets worse. I want to give up.
> 
> My question is this. Does a sexless marriage work? I'm starting to think its the only way.



I interpret this post like this "I have a lump on my neck and I am considering just living with it because I don't like knives, does that actually work?" The answer is the same, you relationship has a cancer in it if you don't fix it eventually it will die.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

sokillme said:


> I interpret this post like this "I have a lump on my neck and I am considering just living with it because I don't like knives, does that actually work?" The answer is the same, you relationship has a cancer in it if you don't fix it eventually it will die.


I think the problem is that people do see it the way you describe. It's just that they see the evidence supports the view that any treatment is just as likely to kill the relationship as doing nothing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sawney Beane said:


> I think the problem is that people do see it the way you describe. It's just that they see the evidence supports the view that any treatment is just as likely to kill the relationship as doing nothing.


The relationship is dead either way might as well take the chance.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

sokillme said:


> The relationship is dead either way might as well take the chance.


I think the perception is slightly different: I think people feel that if they do nothing, there's a slim chance it might get better, but if they take action it's a sure-fire way to kill it stone dead.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

mousecat said:


> Well tou say your sex life is a "disaster" but to me it sounds quite alright - compared to mine. Despite all the problems, you do have sex sometimes. Not enough sure, but sometimes you have sex. On her terms, which sucks, and not enough, which sucks. But still YOU HAVE SOME SEX.
> 
> Count yourself lucky. Let me ask you something. When was the last time you had sex? I mean the actual date of it? For me it was February 14th 2014, the night we conceived our second child. Since then nothing. I mean NOTHING.
> 
> ...


Sigh...

Crying for sex, please... No wonder you have chosen to have a sexless marriage!
@mousecat if you don't want to be in a sexless marriage, then end it. You can fix this anytime you like, absent doing exactly that you get what you choose.

Honestly waiting for years is ridiculous, unless of course you don't like having sex at all or with particular person. Exempting physical separation and or illness/injury, no sex for a few weeks ought to see the klaxon ringing, letting it go for months at a time without resolution or dissolution is nuts!

Luck can't help you.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Or...take the ADs and become your old self again and realize you don't need to stay with a woman who doesn't want you...and leave.


:toast:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bshale said:


> My wife and I have been married for close to 8 years. We have kids. We have a good marriage. We get along. Love each other. Have fun together. Parent well together.
> 
> Our sex life is a disaster. I want it more than she does. We fight about it constantly. It's the main thing we fight about. I don't see us ever seeing eye to eye ever. She views it as a chore. As much as I try to make it better it just gets worse. I want to give up.
> 
> My question is this. Does a sexless marriage work? I'm starting to think its the only way.




Have her take the 5 love languages quiz, then you take the quiz and afterwards exchange the results.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


As her being your wife, she is to take care of your needs as her own and her body isn't her own anymore and vise versa.

If you've talked to her about it, she doesn't care or want to deal with it, then it is on her head and not yours.

A loving wife, regardless of having kids or not, is to take care of her mans needs and that's usually physical and sexual.


I took the quiz. I am Physical rating 12. I am high sex drive HD.

My wife took the quiz. She is Acts of Service rating 12. She is LD.


I initiate sex maybe 1x month and it happens. She initiates sex 1x month and it happens. So realistically we have sex about once every 2 weeks.

That's nothing to me, so I bought a sex toy and use that when the urge is driving me up the wall. More times than I can count.....

One thing I've learned, LD spouses will not change ever. It's always the HD spouse who kills their sex drive half way and then all the way in the end.


Something else, after having the kids, has her hormones changed? Sometimes meds are required to get the hormones back in check.

Is she insecure about her body after having the kids? Perhaps undesired weight making her very insecure and not wanting sex?


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Buy a calendar and start writing on random days.

"Sex in the shower"
"Sex in the car"
"Sex at the movies"
"Sex in the back yard"
"Sex on the kitchen table"

Spread the days out like one or two a week.

Then hang the calendar on the refrigerator or some place where she will see it every day.

Maybe she will be prepared to get boned and show some more enthusiasm.

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Not sure if OP is still reading, but if you are, I think you're jumping to the wrong conclusion.

Based on your posts, I would not assume you need to become totally sexless.

You've described your problem as desiring your wife more than she desires you, which leads to conflict when you're interested and she's not.

In other words you have an urge you can't control and you get angry that your wife does not have a similar urge that she can't control.

Read the above description again and ask yourself if there is something in this scenario that IS controllable.

If your answer is "my anger," then you are on the right track.

The solution to your problem is to understand why you are angry.

Is it reasonable to be angry that your wife does not have an urge she cannot control? 

Next time you start to get angry about this, remind yourself of this point.

Now, this is NOT to say that you should pretend to be satisfied with a relationship where you are into her more than she is into you.

The only point is that the anger is pointless. It does not solve anything and actually just makes everything worse for both of you.

Get a handle on the anger and see if things improve after that.


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