# Help please



## anonymouslyhere (Feb 19, 2015)

I need some help or advice. First time posting here.

My we've and I have been married for 4 years and for 3 years I've been the one working to support our house. We have no kids and we have really tried. I'm sure this is affecting her. I've paid her credit cards twice I'm the one paying all the bills and she got into debt again. She is now working but I'm still paying all the bills. It's been really difficult. I have gained a lot of weight and stopped carrying for myself because I have two jobs. I am also applying for her US residency hence the two jobs. I don't know what I'm doing wrong??? It feels like no matter what I do she is not happy. She could be depressed but she doesn't like to talk to me about what her feelings are. One other thing, her mom is living with us and I have never gone to my family for advice as I don't want them to know that im struggling. For Christmas I got her really nice presents I spent about $300 and her birthday which was this month I also spent about $400. Last night the problem was that we had agreed to go see my family after she got of work and when she got home she was like I don't wanna go. You can go by yourself if you want to. This pissed me off because we take her mom everywhere and I only see my family once a week. What the hell am I supposed to do?? Every time we get into an argument she says it's your fault and this and that but never apologizes. I dont want to get a divorce because I love her but I'm really uncertain about our future together. Were both 26 years old. Never created on her.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> I am also applying for her US residency hence the two jobs.


You appear to be a doormat for your W. I tell you what I think...time to move on as quickly as possible. I do not see this getting any better...specifically after she get's her residency.


----------



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

She's either a spoiled brat or she's trying to get her residency through you. You need to be mindful of her actions even though that's probably hard with all the other stuff you have on your plate. Also, you could always see your family by yourself. If she doesn't want to go, why does that stop you?


----------



## anonymouslyhere (Feb 19, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> You appear to be a doormat for your W. I tell you what I think...time to move on as quickly as possible. I do not see this getting any better...specifically after she get's her residency.


I thought that she would be happier now that her mom is living with us and now that she had a job and she's really close to get her permanent residency but I've worked my ass off and stop seeing friends and family because she says she's not important for me. She doesn't want to combine income and opened an account for herself where she gets her paycheck. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of husbands out there who treat their wife like crap. I'm always the one apologizing and all she says is leave me than. If you don't like who I am leave me. But my parent taught me principals and leaving her would mean that I failed. I have tried my best to make her happy but I can't.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

anonymouslyhere said:


> I thought that she would be happier now that her mom is living with us and now that she had a job and she's really close to get her permanent residency but I've worked my ass off and stop seeing friends and family because she says she's not important for me. She doesn't want to combine income and opened an account for herself where she gets her paycheck. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of husbands out there who treat their wife like crap. I'm always the one apologizing and all she says is leave me than. If you don't like who I am leave me. But my parent taught me principals and leaving her would mean that I failed. I have tried my best to make her happy but I can't.


If that is your genuine feeling, that she cannot be happy with you, then divorce is probably a good idea.

Please don't see yourself as a failure. If you've done all you feel you can do, then it's a kindness to both of you to move on.


----------



## anonymouslyhere (Feb 19, 2015)

Bam85 said:


> She's either a spoiled brat or she's trying to get her residency through you. You need to be mindful of her actions even though that's probably hard with all the other stuff you have on your plate. Also, you could always see your family by yourself. If she doesn't want to go, why does that stop you?


You could say she is spoiled. When she works at night even though she has her car I still go to her job just to make sure she gets in her car safe and then we both come home. I would rather have her come with me to visit my family other wise they're going to start asking where she is and im not a liar.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymouslyhere said:


> I thought that she would be happier now that her mom is living with us and now that she had a job and she's really close to get her permanent residency but I've worked my ass off and stop seeing friends and family because she says she's not important for me. She doesn't want to combine income and opened an account for herself where she gets her paycheck. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of husbands out there who treat their wife like crap. I'm always the one apologizing and all she says is leave me than. If you don't like who I am leave me. But my parent taught me principals and leaving her would mean that I failed. I have tried my best to make her happy but I can't.


She wants to keep it all separate because when the residency is completed she is free to go. It is one thing to have principles and another when someone abuses your principles. You have not failed. Your W is failing you and your family. If you can't make her happy now what makes you think you can in the future? Cut and run sir. I truly believe she is only working to get citizenship. At that point all bets are off.

BTW...it is not up to you to make her happy. Her happiness is up to her. Your happiness is your to work on. Right now you appear to be very unhappy with this situation. Time to change that situation.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymouslyhere said:


> You could say she is spoiled. When she works at night even though she has her car I still go to her job just to make sure she gets in her car safe and then we both come home. I would rather have her come with me to visit my family other wise they're going to start asking where she is and im not a liar.


Marriage is a package deal. The family comes with it. Includes visits and all the other drama a family can muster.


----------



## anonymouslyhere (Feb 19, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Marriage is a package deal. The family comes with it. Includes visits and all the other drama a family can muster.


Thank you for your words. Just recently we started planning our religious wedding and I wanted to make it really special but I just don't see this happening anymore. I know that she really want to have a baby and that this has been really hard for her as we have been unsuccessful. I just don't see myself without her. I will start doing things I enjoy doing. Seeing friends and family and working out again with or without her. Stop doing the nice things I do for her like going for her after work kissing her goodbye every morning and stop asking for sex. See how she reacts.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymouslyhere said:


> Thank you for your words. Just recently we started planning our religious wedding and I wanted to make it really special but I just don't see this happening anymore. I know that she really want to have a baby and that this has been really hard for her as we have been unsuccessful. I just don't see myself without her. I will start doing things I enjoy doing. Seeing friends and family and working out again with or without her. Stop doing the nice things I do for her like going for her after work kissing her goodbye every morning and stop asking for sex. See how she reacts.


So you are not married yet? I would seriously consider cutting ties. What starts out bad usually does not get better. And yes, you can envision life without her.


----------



## anonymouslyhere (Feb 19, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> So you are not married yet? I would seriously consider cutting ties. What starts out bad usually does not get better. And yes, you can envision life without her.


Legally married yes but religiously not yet. I have so many good memories with her that just break me inside just thinking of not being with her. I'm a doing something wrong here?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymouslyhere said:


> Legally married yes but religiously not yet. I have so many good memories with her that just break me inside just thinking of not being with her. I'm a doing something wrong here?


If you have so many good memories of her what has made the relationship turn sour? 

I recommend reading this:

The Book


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

You sound kinda like where I was. I asked him to leave. He did. I know its for the best in the long run. I got tired of being taken advantage of and taken for granted.


----------



## anonymouslyhere (Feb 19, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> If you have so many good memories of her what has made the relationship turn sour?
> 
> I recommend reading this:
> 
> The Book


Finances, not being able to get pregnant not sung each other as often as we used to. Debt. I'll check out the book.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> You sound kinda like where I was. I asked him to leave. He did. I know its for the best in the long run. I got tired of being taken advantage of and taken for granted.


Bingo!


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Money is tight, then start reading here...

No More Mr. Nice Guy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Best


----------



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

anonymouslyhere said:


> You could say she is spoiled. When she works at night even though she has her car I still go to her job just to make sure she gets in her car safe and then we both come home. I would rather have her come with me to visit my family other wise they're going to start asking where she is and im not a liar.


You wouldn't have to lie. In either case, your family is going to wonder why they're not visited. It's either them wondering about her or the both of you. Also, you may want to express just how important it is to you that she visit your family, some times. It shouldn't be because of your proximity with her family. It should simply be because it's important to you. A person who loves you will take into account things that mean a lot to you.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think people are jumping possibly to the wrong conclusion about her just wanting the residency -- I don't know if she'd be so interested in having a child with him if that were the case.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

She is not doing the right thing. 

Yes you have loving memories, and we all do but it's no good to clung to the person she wanted you to see in the beginning, because that's not the real her. 

Whatever you do DO NOT have children right now. 

She's walking all over you. Start standing up for yourself. She will get angry but either she will start to accept that she needs to start doing the fair thing or you need to divorce. 

I'm sorry you are going through this.


----------



## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

She wants you to live HER life. Not both your lives together. Her mother living with you two is not going to help the situation. Spending hundreds of dollars on her when you don't have the money is not going to help the situation. Your W needs to snap out of it and get help some way or another before she destroys you and your marriage. These may be harsh words, but listen, she is getting away with all of this bc she knows she can. Stand your ground. Either her behavior is being caused by depression, anxiety, *****yness, lazy, etc.. don't matter, it's affecting YOU. Physically, mentally, emotionally.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymouslyhere said:


> Finances, not being able to get pregnant not sung each other as often as we used to. Debt. I'll check out the book.


And now that she has a job, she could be making things a lot better by putting her money together with yours. Yet she keeps it separate.

One suggestion I have is that you stop doing things for her that are causing you to have to work two jobs. She can pay for her own citizen. Let her support her own mother. She can pay half the rent.. or better yet 2/3ths of the rent since she can pay for herself and her mother.

You have not failed. She has failed to be a good wife. A good wife does not make her husband work 2 jobs while she stashes money away. And that's just one point here.

If you want to take a chance of fixing things, then get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them with her and the two of you work together through the things the books say to do.

Give it 1-2 months. If she will not work to improve the marriage, then I really think you need to divorce her.


I cannot tell you how many stories I know of in which a person acts all sweet to get a US citizen to marry them for papers and citizenship. Then once married they pull what your wife is pulling... user your money, hoard theirs, start moving relatives in so that you get to support them. Then once they have their papers they split.. with everything they can take with them.

I hope this is not what is going on. But your wife seems to have that attitude.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John Lee said:


> I think people are jumping possibly to the wrong conclusion about her just wanting the residency -- I don't know if she'd be so interested in having a child with him if that were the case.


A child is a secondary anchor to the USA. Plus a child means she can tap him for child support. 

Note that she has not gotten pregnant. There might be a reason for that.


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

It just seems to me that she doesn't really give a rat's azz aout you or your feelings.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but you are being COMPLETELY disresected from what I can read.

I'm not sure about just jumping on the divorce train, though. You should just let her know - in NO uncertain terms - that you're not going to be her doormat, and if he's willing to work it out - fine.

If she's not, then grab the first parachute and hit the door....


----------



## anonymouslyhere (Feb 19, 2015)

Thank you for your support. I will start doing things I enjoy doing and get back to working out and work less. Set boundaries and respect myself. I know its easier said than done but this is how I was before. I was working out eating healthy and spending time with friends. If she doesn't want to be a part of this than its her problem. It will take time and I know I will have to remind myself everyday not to allow myself to be a doormat.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Remember that if you need moral support, you can post here. 

Stick to his one thread, that way people can keep up to date on your situation. 

I wish hope all goes well for you. Take care of yourself.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

anonymouslyhere said:


> Thank you for your support. I will start doing things I enjoy doing and get back to working out and work less. Set boundaries and respect myself. I know its easier said than done but this is how I was before. I was working out eating healthy and spending time with friends. If she doesn't want to be a part of this than its her problem. It will take time and I know I will have to remind myself everyday not to allow myself to be a doormat.


Yes, personal boundaries are necessary and healthy, in life and in marriage...

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries in Marriage

Good luck.


----------

