# I'm tired of being of being ignored



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

This has happened more frequently lately or I've noticed it more - not sure which one. 

When I get home from work my wife usually has dinner ready - she works part time and is a SAHM to our 3 year old the rest of the time. She doesn't usually say too much during dinner. The next two hours are busy with getting our daughter ready for bed cleaning up after dinner, etc. We usuall share equal roles in this. Our daughter is in bed by 8:30 or 9 most nights. 

My main issue is my wife basically ignores me once we have the house to ourselves. Tonight for instance we had a storm which our daughter hates and so I laid down with her for about an hour until around 10. When I got up I really wanted to spend QT with my wife. I figured she'd want to do the same since we hadn't really seen each other all night or today. When I come in our room she instead gets ready for bed immediately and turns out the lights to go to sleep. 

Now I have had this discussion with her numerous times before, as recently as Monday. I told her I wish she would pay more attention to me at night instead of the tv, the dog, her phone, whatever. She acknowledged it but said I don't ever suggest anything. Sorry I didn't realize it was my job to do that. 

Anyway maybe I'm just venting but I really feel like I'm plan C or D with my wife and I'm feeling really lonely. She doesn't seem to really care since talking about it hasnt helped. What else can I do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you have run out of ideas. You say that she hardly talks during dinner. Do you talk during dinner? Or do you hardly talk too?

One of you is going to have to make the first step here and plan some things. So maybe it is you who has to come up with ideas of things to do.

For example... what do you talk about during dinner? Let's start there.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Maybe she needs some time to herself. If she spends most of the day with your daughter, then the evenings with the daughter and you, she may need some time to decompress. I know most people who work full time usually need this kind of time when they come home for the day. Maybe a couple nights a week, take over the kid duty yourself an hour or so early so she can soak in the tub, or have a drink, or something to give her some me time. See if that helps.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Usually my day at work, what's going on with our daughter at preschool, etc. The normal things. It's not very meaningful conversation. I dont want to make a big deal out of the dinner talk that's more of just a background. The main thing is her pre-occupation with anything other than me after 9 pm. She will let me touch her, kiss her, etc but there isnt much in return. I'm lucky to get a peck on the lips and then it's back to whatever she was doing. 

I guess my larger point here is that I want to feel like she values me and I don't feel that way. I don't feel any kind of closeness from her. She just always seems distant and I don't know why. 



EleGirl said:


> It sounds like the two of you have run out of ideas. You say that she hardly talks during dinner. Do you talk during dinner? Or do you hardly talk too?
> 
> One of you is going to have to make the first step here and plan some things. So maybe it is you who has to come up with ideas of things to do.
> 
> For example... what do you talk about during dinner? Let's start there.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I do. She went out last night with her friends. I routinely do things at night like give our daughter a bath, brush her teeth, etc. I'm not just sitting around watching tv. None of this helps her decompress to the point that I feel like she's interested in me. 




3Xnocharm said:


> Maybe she needs some time to herself. If she spends most of the day with your daughter, then the evenings with the daughter and you, she may need some time to decompress. I know most people who work full time usually need this kind of time when they come home for the day. Maybe a couple nights a week, take over the kid duty yourself an hour or so early so she can soak in the tub, or have a drink, or something to give her some me time. See if that helps.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How is your sex life?

Who does she talk to on the phone? How do you know that? How often is she actually on the phone?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jd08 said:


> I do. She went out last night with her friends. I routinely do things at night like give our daughter a bath, brush her teeth, etc. I'm not just sitting around watching tv. None of this helps her decompress to the point that I feel like she's interested in me.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Where does she go with her friends?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do the two of you go out on dates with just the two of you?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

She's not having an affair. I am as positive of that as I can be. I know she went out to eat with a friend last night. Her friend picked her up and they drove to the restaurant together. She has no male friends and works with all females. I pay the phone bill and there is nothing unusual. I have access to all accounts. Nothing unusual there either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Once a month maybe?



EleGirl said:


> How often do the two of you go out on dates with just the two of you?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jd08 said:


> Once a month maybe?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you say they were romantic dates?

Have you read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER or any of the other books recommended here?

MMSL IS NOT A SEX MANUAL BTW.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jd08 said:


> Once a month maybe?


It sounds like the two of you are starting to lose your connection. The amount of time you spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things is important. Not things like going to a movie but things where you can communicate and focus on each other.'

A couple needs at leasat 15 hours a week doing this to maintain the 'in love' connection.

What kinds of things do you do on this monthly date?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Mostly eating out, movies, etc. 

I will say that since our daughter was born 3.5 years ago we've spent one single overnight alone. Sad I know. 



EleGirl said:


> It sounds like the two of you are starting to lose your connection. The amount of time you spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things is important. Not things like going to a movie but things where you can communicate and focus on each other.'
> 
> A couple needs at leasat 15 hours a week doing this to maintain the 'in love' connection.
> 
> What kinds of things do you do on this monthly date?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you need to spend more time together. That's pretty clear. Do you have anyone who can watch your daughter for you so that you can date more and have more time together?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Yes



EleGirl said:


> The two of you need to spend more time together. That's pretty clear. Do you have anyone who can watch your daughter for you so that you can date more and have more time together?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

When you have a toddler, its very hard to switch from Mommy Mode to Wife Mode. Do you treat her like a wife or you did when you were dating? So many changes happen to women when they become of a mom, that we tend to loose who we are as a woman (not a mother) and what we were like dating our husbands, a sense of self without having a toddler appendage. you need to remind her why you picked her, date her, make her feel like a woman not a mom. This does not mean doing chores etc., do some of the things you did when you were dating to woo her, get her out of mommy mode.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thats true... From my experience the more chores the less attraction ... Im noone to give advice BUT many on here claim that and its definetly true in my wife... Terrible!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> Thats true... From my experience the more chores the less attraction ... Im noone to give advice BUT many on here claim that and its definetly true in my wife... Terrible!


Got to be careful with the chores thing.

Women expect the husband to assume responsibility for a fair share of the chores. It's not a turn on when a man does this. It's expected. It's a turn off when a man does not do this.

Now when a man does too much, such as he does all of the house work, cooking, etc while working a full time job .. and his wife does little to none.. he's a doormat. Being a doormat is a turn off.

So what's a fair share of the chores?

If both spouses work full time.. each is responsible for 50% of the chores.

If she's a SAHM and he works full time. Her job is to take care of the children and do the majority of household chores. But once he's home from work, there are still things to do. So when he's not at work they each take responsibility for 50%. Hopefully there is not a lot to do since she will have done most of it while he's at work.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

It is all to easy for those of us in long term relationships to take each other forgranted. Life just gets it the way, extra hours at work, childcare, household chores.It can happen without us noticing. We just accept that dinner will be ready when we get home from work, clean ironed shirts will be in the wardrobe ready for the morning. We forget to say "thank you" we no longer put the wishes of our partner at the top of our to do list.

I think you and your wife need to start dating agian. Try and find someone (grans are great is they are around) who can watch / look after your daughter for a evening / overnight. Spend some quality time with each other even if its only a couple of hours. 

From what you have said I do not thing your mariage is "Broken Down" but it is in need of some regular "planned maintanace". If this is the case you can and should be able between you to get back the spark that got you together in the first place.

The best feeling I have ever had was falling in love with my wife for the second time.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like the two of you have run out of ideas. You say that she hardly talks during dinner. Do you talk during dinner? Or do you hardly talk too?
> *
> One of you is going to have to make the first step here* and plan some things. So maybe it is you who has to come up with ideas of things to do.
> 
> For example... what do you talk about during dinner? Let's start there.


I am a psychologist and therapist. This is a true advice. The biggest mistake is when you wait for feedback whether you are doing things right. Even negative feedback should actually not influence you in doing the first steps.
Many times small talk melts the ice hours later and not initially.. Some men then tend to be passive agressive and want to hit their wifes back by ignoring them.. This should be a last resort.



jd08 said:


> Usually my day at work, what's going on with our daughter at preschool, etc. *The normal things. It's not very meaningful conversation.* I dont want to make a big deal out of the dinner talk that's more of just a background.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keep it up. Better small talk than nothing.



jd08 said:


> I do. She went out last night with her friends. I routinely do things at night like give our daughter a bath, brush her teeth, etc. I'm not just sitting around watching tv. None of this helps her decompress to the point that I feel like she's interested in me.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good. I see you are a very caring father. But I cant ignore my feeling that YOU are going too much out of your way and want to please your wife by showing effort in taking good care of your daughter.. right?



> The main thing is her pre-occupation with anything other than me after 9 pm. She will let me touch her, kiss her, etc but there isnt much in return. I'm lucky to get a peck on the lips and then it's back to whatever she was doing.
> 
> I guess my larger point here is that I want to feel like she values me and I don't feel that way. I don't feel any kind of closeness from her. She just always seems distant and I don't know why.


I have been dealing with men with exactly the same issues. What I found out is that whatever advice you get, you will just try to take that which sounds best in you point of vue and neglect the rest.

Therefore my question is:

a)what do you believe has come to let your value sink this much? Name 3 things.

b) What do you believe should she do in order for you to fill more valued. What exactly are you missing? Name 3 things.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What would you like for your wife to do when you get home. she already has dinner ready for you. So that's done. the daughter looks taken care of.

What would you like to talk about with your wife? Or are there specific things that you wish to do, play a game for example, work on a certain room in the house.....

We need to remindourselve of what life was like in the pre digital age. People want to act like that it's only inthe last decade that family member who were physically inside of the were mentally somewhere else...... well, that's not true since we had TV, the telephone, newspapers to keep people's minds occupied.

I remember my worka holic father who would come home close 10 pm every night... He then wanted to drag me down to the kitchen table so that we could talk......I still marvel at the fact that I had the balls at the age of 16 to tell him, "Why do you come me down here when all you do is read the newspaper in front of me?' .........

So OP, tell us, what exactly would you like for your wife to do when you get home each night? 

Personally, I am very curious, because as I slowly make the move to move in with my fiance, it would be interesting to understand what is reasonable in the digital age.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

JD...you're basically telling my story.

I think I'm a few years ahead of you so I'll give you this advice. Don't sit on things and hope they get better like I did. Act. There is loads of good advice in this thread that can break this rut. 

If you let it go you might reach a disconnect that is impossible to overcome. Don't just hang in there.

It's 3rd and 10. Not the time to be conservative and run a fullback draw. Attack the d!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Got to be careful with the chores thing.
> 
> Women expect the husband to assume responsibility for a fair share of the chores. It's not a turn on when a man does this. It's expected. It's a turn off when a man does not do this.
> 
> ...


This and you, on your own without her knowledge, plan dates and nights alone when it's possible. I know it's hard to get a sitter. It will give you and her time to be a couple instead of parents with so much responsibility.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I say *why wait for the date nights *to make things better?

Tell wife you feel disconnected and want to get back to feeling like a COUPLE again instead of cogs in the wheel of life.

1. Pick a night sometime in the next few days and tell wife that you want to make dinner WITH HER. Have her put a video on for kiddo and YOU TWO go into the kitchen and make dinner. Turn some music on. If YOU bring a bottle of wine home with you first....so much the better!

2. Unplug the tv set. Biggest TIME WASTER on earth. Turn some music on low, sit on the couch, give her a backrub and ask her how her day was! Be HANDS ON...we like that! Tell her about something going on in YOUR day.

Make plans to do something for the weekend! With kiddo or without, but PLAN it together. 

Drop kiddo at grandma's and do the grocery shopping with your wife AFTER you've gone out to eat together (lunch on the weekend, or dinner during the week). Shopping together can get you planning that meal(s) you're going to cook together again NEXT WEEK.

Think of EVERY day things you can do TOGETHER...like you used to when you were dating and EVERYTHING was fun because you did it together.

Good luck, jd!


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## kiss (Dec 12, 2012)

Theres lots of good suggestions here but Ill just add my twopence worth as I think there a few things missed. 

Ive been there done that quite a few years ago, the poster who said it takes a while to get out of mommy mode is right, its not even something you can switch of in an evening so you need roll up your sleves and put some time in here. 

You are going to have to turn this boat gently and over time. Date night is a good idea but start smaller and grow it to a whole night. Just offloading the kids and then hoping for a new gal to emerge isnt going to work. Putting the kid to bed then five mins later snapping into attentive sexy-mom ... that takes effort and Im guessing she just doesnt see any benefits right now.

The sarcasm in your comment isnt a great starter either. "Sorry I didn't realize it was my job to do that" Hmmmm, so just whose job would that be then?

You also made me smile with your "Hey youre done with the kid...now look at me" attitude but in reality, its no joke and Im not trying to be blaming of you. Its no-ones "job" to suggest anything, so sometimes one person just needs to take the initiative and put aside any resentfulness that they "shouldnt need to do this" and do it anyway.

Helping with chores is one thing but I would suggest pay attention to what is happening in her day and show an interest in that by asking (genuine) quesions. Us girls can see through fakeout interest in a second. We also see throught the "hey honey Ive brough home a bottle of wine, so lets put the kid to bed early tonite" moves, so go easy on those to start with. 

A bit of praise for what a great mom she is works too. "How lucky we are that you are able to be at home to raise our kid, these days thats not always easy to come by, she/he will benefit" ... that kind of thing, hopefully its how you actually feel too.

A small surprise gift, never goes amiss either and with Valentines day coming up you have a real opportunity to make it about her. Dont expect a changed lady by next Tuesday either, like I said, this will take time

Unfair as it might sound to you, (and who said life was fair anyway) focus a bit more on her and a bit less on what you are not getting for a while and you might notice a difference.

Good Luck


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

jd08 said:


> Now I have had this discussion with her numerous times before, as recently as Monday. I told her I wish she would pay more attention to me at night instead of the tv, the dog, her phone, whatever. She acknowledged it but said I don't ever suggest anything. Sorry I didn't realize it was my job to do that.
> 
> What else can I do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is your job so get on it! Different people have different ideas of how they should spend their time. One partner may want more time in relationship and the other may want more time for themselves. Neither is right and neither is wrong, just different. Split the days of the week, half for her to do whatever she wants by herself and half for you with her committed to do whatever you want. Also, the week does not divide evenly so give her the seventh day for a 4:3 split.

Plan something for yourself on her days. Go out with your friends, go to the library, find something you enjoy and do it without her. Then on your days, do exactly what you want. I know exactly what I want and I have never been bashful about saying it. Neither should you. I'm sure you're not into book reading, tv watching, phone talking and sleeping and I'm sure not either. Since she has her days to do exactly what she wants, don't worry about what she thinks about what you want to do, after all, she's not worried about how you feel on her days.

Believe me, this will improve your life. I'm sure you can figure this out, but if not, write back for some ideas


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

jd08 said:


> She will let me touch her, kiss her, etc but there isnt much in return. I'm lucky to get a peck on the lips and then it's back to whatever she was doing.
> 
> I guess my larger point here is that I want to feel like she values me and I don't feel that way. I don't feel any kind of closeness from her. She just always seems distant and I don't know why.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There could be a million reasons for this and most of them you can't do anything about. 25% interviewed present an avoidant attachment style so that is 1 out of 4 women. The point is that you need to be owning your feelings and it looks like you are letting her behavior dictate how you feel. Not good.


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