# How do I care less?



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Some people may consider me needy. I'm simply not getting my needs met. So yeah, maybe in this situation, I may be. What do I want from my wife… just a simple amount of consideration. Respect, intimacy, compromise, good communication with deep heartfelt conversations, surprises. These are things that I expect from a marriage, yet, it’s incredibly hard for her to do these things for some reason. I’m not sure why exactly, except to say that she didn’t have the best of examples from her parents relationship. 

Anyhow, I’m now left in this place where my temperature is hotter than hers. I need more from her than she needs from me. And if I try to regain balance by letting up on meeting her needs, and becoming more independent, one of two things happens: she either gets mad, or doesn’t care. Nothing of which is her increasing her desire to show me love. Referencing “MEMs” relationship barometer thread, what’s supposed to happen is if I cool off, she warms up… thus restoring an equal balance of desire and love communication in the relationship. 
What I’m struggling with is that this doesn’t work. If I cool off, nothing happens. And I’m not ok with that. I wish I could learn to not care of some of these needs. On a large scale, we have a decent marriage, it’s not met without it’s challenges or anything, but there isn’t any infidelity or something serious like that. 

How do you just not care? How can I accept this for what it is? I honestly see one option, and that’s to repress these needs until I can’t take it any longer – which will probably push me over the edge into the arms of another women. It’s not what I want, and I’m not like that. But it’s not like you can “un-desire” those things, right? 

Any thoughts, tips, on how to deal with this? I’ve talked with her endlessly on this, and while she says she understands, there hasn’t been any forward movement on improving these things. What do I do? Is there a way that I can meet those needs myself, or just depend less on a relationship? 

The alternative of course, is to not live with it anymore, but I’m not ready to make that call yet. I’m at a loss, and could use some tips. It’s not a factor of manning up or anything else, it’s how do you not “need” your spouse. And what kind of marriage would that be if you could live with or without her, no big deal either way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You need food, water, protection from the cold, and a decent amount of sleep. Everything else is a desire and is negotiable. If you "need" all that you described from your wife, you become weak and she becomes powerful if she withholds.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You're not cooling down enough. You are supposed to get her to a point where she can't ignore the cold, rather than to a point where she accepts it.

If you don't "need" your spouse, why bother staying?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> You need food, water, protection from the cold, and a decent amount of sleep. Everything else is a desire and is negotiable. If you "need" all that you described from your wife, you become weak and she becomes powerful if she withholds.


do you not want the same things? aren't these pretty much universal, cohabitating, requirements. add in marriage, and i would wager that they are darn near essential. 

am i off base here? differing opinions?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> You're not cooling down enough. You are supposed to get her to a point where she can't ignore the cold, rather than to a point where she accepts it.
> 
> If you don't "need" your spouse, why bother staying?


this is my point exactly. i have cooled down a lot. a lot. the inbalance remains, in part, due to my wanting things to heat up. after a period of duration being cold, nothing changed. i guess i could take that as she needs my money, and a home, and that's it, as the poster above. so as long as that's there, then she's good. and in order for there to be balance, wouldn't i need to just have those same things as well... ? otherwise there is an imbalance, no?


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

I am like you,and my H is like your W. 

I really wish I could give you an answer. I started to cool off and distance myself, and he wouldn't notice or wouldn't care. By the time I stopped caring so much, I realized I had had to push him out of my heart. I no longer care for him or love him the way I used to when I wanted so much of his affection. 

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are needy because you want a deep fulfilling relationship. That's just an excuse for those who are afraid of intimacy.

Solve this, try to work on it and make it better, or leave the relationship before you find yourself in an affair


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Is she still in touch with that ex back home? 

If she no longer has any communication with him, then YOU are the problem and need to cool off possibly to the point of being cold. If it's just money and a roof she's looking for, she might not be motivated to take action until those two things are threatened. 

On the other hand, if she's still in touch with OM, then no amount of cooling off will help.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Maybe instead of focusing on getting your needs met, you should focus on meeting your spouses needs AND put as much time and energy in that as you have put into attempting to get your needs met. 

I am not saying this to be callous either, I am sharing from experience and so far, it is the only thing that worked. Now, all of my needs are met and I feel closer than ever to the hunka-hunka burning love that is known as my husband.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Is she still in touch with that ex back home?
> 
> If she no longer has any communication with him, then YOU are the problem and need to cool off possibly to the point of being cold. If it's just money and a roof she's looking for, she might not be motivated to take action until those two things are threatened.
> 
> On the other hand, if she's still in touch with OM, then no amount of cooling off will help.


no OM in the picture. no infidelity.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anony2 said:


> Maybe instead of focusing on getting your needs met, you should focus on meeting your spouses needs AND put as much time and energy in that as you have put into attempting to get your needs met.
> 
> I am not saying this to be callous either, I am sharing from experience and so far, it is the only thing that worked. Now, all of my needs are met and I feel closer than ever to the hunka-hunka burning love that is known as my husband.


trust me, i have. my IC tells me i have a very high emotional intelligence, and I feel like i've done a great job meeting her needs. i'll even ask her what i can do better, and she can't think of anything. so... I keep trying to do better, but when i'm in my cool off stage, she doesn't really seem to care.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> trust me, i have. my IC tells me i have a very high emotional intelligence, and I feel like i've done a great job meeting her needs. i'll even ask her what i can do better, and she can't think of anything. so... I keep trying to do better, but when i'm in my cool off stage, she doesn't really seem to care.


What are you expecting HER to do in YOUR cool off stage?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anony2 said:


> What are you expecting HER to do in YOUR cool off stage?


begin to try to meet them. "expectating" sounds harsh... I'm hoping she'll want to try. i'm not looking for a day/night transformation


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> do you not want the same things? aren't these pretty much universal, cohabitating, requirements. add in marriage, and i would wager that they are darn near essential.
> 
> am i off base here? differing opinions?


I'd like the same things but the second I characterize those wants as "needs", I make myself a victim and my wife a cruel oppressor who has the power to destroy me. I've spent 2 years in Iraq. If you woke up this morning and you were alive with both legs and both arms attached, it hasn't been a bad day. Your contentment lives between your own ears and your wife doesn't have custody of it. Your marriage doesn't look exactly like you had planned but nobody else's does, either. Your vision of marriage wasn't a guarantee or a promise. It was only an idea you imagined. What you have is reality and it's not entirely great but it's not entirely awful. Readjust your expectations to more closely resemble your wife's. You probably aren't exactly the husband she dreamed of, either. She's not in prison. She's not cheating. She's not rotting under the ground. She's not cooking meth in the garage. Life could be worse and it is for lots of people. I'd be willing to bet if you looked for reasons to appreciate her, you'd find plenty. Concentrate on those things and you'll feel better about your situation. If you get a chance, go to a military cemetery. Guys a lot younger than you are there. If they were given an extra 24 hours, how would they use it? Lots of husbands (and wives) are overseas and will be gone over a year. Some have gone 6-7 times. They'd be happy just to pull weeds in the garden with their spouse. I don't mean to make light of your troubles. I'm just suggesting you put them into perspective. Along with your troubles, you do have blessings. Contentment and confidence are signs of strength and most women find strength attractive and weakness unattractive. If nothing else, you'll feel better about yourself. In any case, your happiness is your choice. If you lay responsibility for your happiness at someone else's feet, you are always going to be disappointed.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> no OM in the picture. no infidelity.


How did that end? I thought I remembered that she was back visiting parents and stayed longer, debating about being with you, at the same time that she had resumed communication with an ex. What am I missing here? 

Based on the rest of what you said about emotional intel and expectations, I'm guessing you're not being very assertive about holding her accountable for keeping her marriage vows, like being committed enough to make the marriage more important than self.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I'd like the same things but the second I characterize those wants as "needs", I make myself a victim and my wife a cruel oppressor who has the power to destroy me. I've spent 2 years in Iraq. If you woke up this morning and you were alive with both legs and both arms attached, it hasn't been a bad day. Your contentment lives between your own ears and your wife doesn't have custody of it. Your marriage doesn't look exactly like you had planned but nobody else's does, either. Your vision of marriage wasn't a guarantee or a promise. It was only an idea you imagined. What you have is reality and it's not entirely great but it's not entirely awful. Readjust your expectations to more closely resemble your wife's. You probably aren't exactly the husband she dreamed of, either. She's not in prison. She's not cheating. She's not rotting under the ground. She's not cooking meth in the garage. Life could be worse and it is for lots of people. I'd be willing to bet if you looked for reasons to appreciate her, you'd find plenty. Concentrate on those things and you'll feel better about your situation. If you get a chance, go to a military cemetery. Guys a lot younger than you are there. If they were given an extra 24 hours, how would they use it? Lots of husbands (and wives) are overseas and will be gone over a year. Some have gone 6-7 times. They'd be happy just to pull weeds in the garden with their spouse. I don't mean to make light of your troubles. I'm just suggesting you put them into perspective. Along with your troubles, you do have blessings. Contentment and confidence are signs of strength and most women find strength attractive and weakness unattractive. If nothing else, you'll feel better about yourself. In any case, your happiness is your choice. If you lay responsibility for your happiness at someone else's feet, you are always going to be disappointed.


well put. i agree with what you are saying, and i think this gets at the heart of my OP. 

How? When I view these things as needs, and i know they'll never be there, how can I be happy about that. These are things I expect. How can I forget, that for me, these are very important. How do I just make do with what I have if it's not up to standard? 

I get the glass half full, be grateful for what you have, look at all the great things she does for me, etc... But that simply masks the problem. It doesn't make it go away. It's still there. How do you forget that. How do you care less? 

I'm not sure if this makes any sense...


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> How did that end? I thought I remembered that she was back visiting parents and stayed longer, debating about being with you, at the same time that she had resumed communication with an ex. What am I missing here?
> 
> Based on the rest of what you said about emotional intel and expectations, I'm guessing you're not being very assertive about holding her accountable for keeping her marriage vows, like being committed enough to make the marriage more important than self.


are you sure your on the right post? i appreciate the input and you've been on some of my earlier threads, but i think you have the wrong back story. 

but your being assertive comment is spot on. i hadn't been for a while. i didn't hold her accountable. I just complained. 

I changed that, stated boundaries, she did not respect them for some time, and now she's not living with me because of that. she has shown some level of committment to working things out, and in response to my IC's suggestion to keep seeing her to allow her the ability to work on things, we see each other. 

i can be patient, but i just don't see it happening. I'm faced with a decision to either adjust my expectations, or move on. she is her most important person. how do you fight that. it's a battle that can't be won, unless she wants to see that someone else is as important as well.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You "care less" by having your needs met by enough other resources. I'm not referring to an affair, but to friendships and hobbies and work and such. 

When you don't notice anything missing, you won't feel that your life is lacking. 

I seem to remember that your previous posts also said you'd treated her pretty insensitively in the past. You might just have to do your penance, or you might have to get back a little of that insensitivity - not enough to be hurtful or betray her, but enough to remind her that you do have other options.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> You "care less" by having your needs met by enough other resources. I'm not referring to an affair, but to friendships and hobbies and work and such.
> 
> When you don't notice anything missing, you won't feel that your life is lacking.
> 
> I seem to remember that your previous posts also said you'd treated her pretty insensitively in the past. You might just have to do your penance, or you might have to get back a little of that insensitivity - not enough to be hurtful or betray her, but enough to remind her that you do have other options.


that's like settling for a "mars" candybar when you know you really want a "reeses". I just don't see those other things, ie. friends, hobbies, etc, satiating my desire to want to have a fulfilling relationship with her.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I did have your thread confused with another one on the OM.

And your analogy's a good one. To take it one step further, when you can't get your Reeses, a Mars bar'll keep you from starving.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I did have your thread confused with another one on the OM.
> 
> And your analogy's a good one. To take it one step further, when you can't get your Reeses, a Mars bar'll keep you from starving.


true true. so how do you stop wanting that reeses when you know it's out of reach. i'm ok not starving, but not for very long. how do you care less?

that's the question


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> well put. i agree with what you are saying, and i think this gets at the heart of my OP.
> 
> How? When I view these things as needs, and i know they'll never be there, how can I be happy about that. These are things I expect. How can I forget, that for me, these are very important. How do I just make do with what I have if it's not up to standard?
> 
> ...


Her failure to meet your expectations aint a problem. It's just the way things are. Your expectations are only that...your expectations. They were never carved in stone and life won't end if get something very good that looks a little different. Nobody on earth gets things exactly like they dreamed. I thought you liked surprises. Well, surprise! Believe me, I'm a master at experiencing frustration. It can drive you crazy. Frustration is expecting A but getting B. The easiest fix is to quit expecting "A". Whenever I start feeling frustrated or sorry for myself, I do two things. I shift my focus on what I can do with what I have. Secondly, I remind myself of the legions of folks who would happily trade places with me.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> true true. so how do you stop wanting that reeses when you know it's out of reach. i'm ok not starving, but not for very long. how do you care less?
> 
> that's the question


You make a plan for how to get there from here. When it doesn't work, you make another plan. And you keep on doing the same thing until you change your mind and decide that you really hate the idea of Reeses now and discard it from your life, or you decide Mars tastes pretty darn good and is your new favorite.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I'd like the same things but the second I characterize those wants as "needs", I make myself a victim and my wife a cruel oppressor who has the power to destroy me. I've spent 2 years in Iraq. If you woke up this morning and you were alive with both legs and both arms attached, it hasn't been a bad day. Your contentment lives between your own ears and your wife doesn't have custody of it. Your marriage doesn't look exactly like you had planned but nobody else's does, either. Your vision of marriage wasn't a guarantee or a promise. It was only an idea you imagined. What you have is reality and it's not entirely great but it's not entirely awful. Readjust your expectations to more closely resemble your wife's. You probably aren't exactly the husband she dreamed of, either. She's not in prison. She's not cheating. She's not rotting under the ground. She's not cooking meth in the garage. Life could be worse and it is for lots of people. I'd be willing to bet if you looked for reasons to appreciate her, you'd find plenty. Concentrate on those things and you'll feel better about your situation. If you get a chance, go to a military cemetery. Guys a lot younger than you are there. If they were given an extra 24 hours, how would they use it? Lots of husbands (and wives) are overseas and will be gone over a year. Some have gone 6-7 times. They'd be happy just to pull weeds in the garden with their spouse. I don't mean to make light of your troubles. I'm just suggesting you put them into perspective. Along with your troubles, you do have blessings. Contentment and confidence are signs of strength and most women find strength attractive and weakness unattractive. If nothing else, you'll feel better about yourself. In any case, your happiness is your choice. If you lay responsibility for your happiness at someone else's feet, you are always going to be disappointed.


I like this post.

If married couples are not getting their emotional needs met, whatever they may be, go to counseling, read books, reach out on forums (lol) & tried EVERYTHING possible (for them) & are miserable & unhappy, then they should split up. 

However, splitting up is not an option for you right now.

Accept that your emotional needs may never be met by your wife. With acceptance, comes a feeling of contentment. Back to your original question, I think eventually when you reach the point of acceptance, you will no longer have those particular needs from your wife.

You become a survivor.

Think of a young child who has emotionally cold parents. His need for love, warmth, nurturing, admiration, etc. will never be met from his parents. He wants something different, but knows he will never get it from his parents (insert your wife). However, his needs for food, clothing & housing are met.

Yet he survives & finds happiness despite not having "some" of his needs met.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Accept that your emotional needs may never be met by your wife. With acceptance, comes a feeling of contentment. Back to your original question, I think eventually when you reach the point of acceptance, you will no longer have those particular needs from your wife.


I was where you are right now not too long ago, and this rings very true for me. I think, in my case, being so unwilling to let go of what I want from a marriage was a sign of my immaturity. It's as pointless as being upset that my daughter, say, has sensory issues. That's not what I want!! That's hard! I have to give up on my ideal! Yup, and that's also life. I can easily face that adjustment with my child, and I think I can grow up enough to take that same view with my marriage.

There's a point, though, where this is unreasonable. I do NOT have to lower my expectations to the point where I accept abuse. Or disrespect. Or any number of other things. And what's confusing is figuring out whether what you're dealing with is one of these big things that compromise your safety and personal integrity, or not.

I have no advice with regards to that part of the question though, unfortunately.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Prison guards tell inmates "you can do hard time or you can do easy time." That acceptance part is important, I think.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

i guess the thing is, if i accept it for what it is, it doesn't seem much like a partnership. 

i guess i'm the one that needs to decide if i'm ok with that. but this hot/cold stuff doesn't really help me affect change. so either it works or it doesn't. am i ok with that? 

if you had someone that made themselves a priority first, above you, and then thought of you second, or third, or fourth, or last... would you consider that acceptable?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> i guess the thing is, if i accept it for what it is, it doesn't seem much like a partnership.
> 
> i guess i'm the one that needs to decide if i'm ok with that. but this hot/cold stuff doesn't really help me affect change. so either it works or it doesn't. am i ok with that?
> 
> if you had someone that made themselves a priority first, above you, and then thought of you second, or third, or fourth, or last... would you consider that acceptable?


No it would not be acceptable for me. All of the other needs that you are not getting met would not be acceptable to me.

I would rather be alone or free to meet someone else.

Yes you are right, it is not much of a partnership/marriage.

But you have said that divorce is not an option, so we are trying to help you live with the marriage you have, not the one you want - because you are not getting the marriage you want & may never with your wife.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> i guess the thing is, if i accept it for what it is, it doesn't seem much like a partnership.
> 
> i guess i'm the one that needs to decide if i'm ok with that. but this hot/cold stuff doesn't really help me affect change. so either it works or it doesn't. am i ok with that?
> 
> if you had someone that made themselves a priority first, above you, and then thought of you second, or third, or fourth, or last... would you consider that acceptable?


Nope, I sure wouldn't. But if that was the case, I would not make myself unhappy trying to salvage it, either. Not for long, anyway. Other people have more tolerance than I do, no doubt.


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