# Confused, betrayed, stressed & need advice



## Sarahmarie (Oct 22, 2018)

Hello, 

So confused and conflicted. Seven months ago I figured out on my own that my husband of 17 years was having an affair with a married coworker for 5 months. From what I can tell it was mostly an emotional affair. He says he felt we were growing apart and so he persued attention elsewhere. Nice. Anyhow it was very shocking and rocked my world. No one who knows him would ever believe he was capable of this. Never. I knew I wanted to try and save our marriage. I thought my husband made a one time mistake and our marriage was worth saving. And he agreed.

So he agreed to stop all communication with her and give 100% attention to us. So for 4 months thats how it was. I gave everything I had to show my love and affection. And it made me happy. So happy. I truly believed we were going to make it.

But I kept getting these feelings. Like the ones I had before I found out. I brushed it off. Thinking he couldnt possible still be betraying me. But it was clear I was the only one doing everything to fix things. He rarely ever asked how I was doing or gave me loving attention. We would go out on dates and it felt like I was out with my brother. And it didnt help they still work together. 

So one night I looked at our computer photos. They happen to be linked to my husbands phone...and there I see a photo she just sent him, looking seductive. I almost threw up. And when I showed him when he got home all he had to say was “what do you want me to say?” So basically it had never ended. Those 4 months were a lie. Not on my part. When I asked why, he said he wasnt ready to end the affair 4 months ago. I actually felt worse than I did when I first found out. How could be betray me, again, and knowing how happy and dedicated I was? 

I went and saw a lawyer and he broke down and told me he would end it. But it would take time to get her out of his head. So I needed to give him time to do so and he could then fall back in love with me. We had to not show any affection. I had to wait for him to come to me. I knew this was wrong. 

So I did what he wanted out of love. But knew it wasnt correct. I would have low moments where I needed to talk about things and he began denying things he had said or did. He was completely devoid of compassion. He said I needed to stop bringing up the past. He acted like he was the wounded one. I had said I would have to look at his phone from time to time to ease fears and he was fine with that. But one day I saw he changed his password. He says he did it to trap me. I was astounded! I told him he needed to go seek therapy. No matter if it actually pushed us towards divorce. 

So here we are today. He says he hasnt had any contact with her in almost 2 months. He says he will seek therapy. He wants our marriage. But the thing is...after finding out the affair wasnt over the first time...I have changed. I cant look at him the same way. I dont feel anymore like I did those 4 months. I dont think I can ever trust him again. 

The ironic thing is now I know what I should do but feel guilty asking for a divorce if he now is truly trying. I am so confused! I am literally getting sick of pretending everything is ok...especially around my family. I must sound like such an idiot sticking around. I feel like a fool. He is a good father. My kids (10 & 12) think he is the best thing in the whole world! So scared to break up our family. But there are times I think I might just lose my mind. Can I possibly ever trust him again? Will I ever be able to feel happy again with him as my husband?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No matter what happens, whether you stay or go, please stop making this your problem to solve.

You didn't create this problem.

Frankly, if I were you, I would be done.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

He says, he says, he says. What has he actually done to back those words up? Did he even apologize, change his job, move mountains to show you that he means business?

I could already spot the red flags the minute he told you to wait for him to get over her, to wait for him to come back to you, his own freaking wife. And apparently you did too. How insulting and devoid of empathy does he have to be to ask you to wait until he gets over his mistress? To play with your trust through the transparency shenanigans, pretending to work it out, and changing his passwords in order to 'trap' you? 

This is where I'll be blunt. You don't need to feel guilty, because you actually tried. You bent yourself into a pretzel trying to cater to what he thought you were lacking, but what did he do? Continued to nurture his relationship with another woman while stringing you along. You can walk away with your head held high, because you're the only one who was willing to do the work.

I know you don't want to break up your family, but do you really want to model a one-sided marriage to your children? If he's really as good a father as you say, then maybe he won't put up as much of a fight if he were to agree to an amicable divorce.

Pay attention to his actions now. They speak volumes more than his words ever will.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sarahmarie said:


> Hello,
> 
> So confused and conflicted. Seven months ago I figured out on my own that my husband of 17 years was having an affair with a married coworker for 5 months. From what I can tell it was mostly an emotional affair. He says he felt we were growing apart and so he persued attention elsewhere. Nice. Anyhow it was very shocking and rocked my world. No one who knows him would ever believe he was capable of this. Never. I knew I wanted to try and save our marriage. I thought my husband made a one time mistake and our marriage was worth saving. And he agreed.
> 
> ...


He continued to have his cake and eat it because you took it upon your self to "fix" what you had not broken. He broke it, he must fix it. He obviously doesn't want to fix it. There must be consequences, proceed with the lawyer and the divorce.,
Tell all your family and friends what he has done, do not cover for him, affairs to not survive in the light. It is his burden and shame to carry, not yours. Ask for support.
You helped the affair survive, by covering for him. Expose the affair partner from work too, call HR and let them know what is happening. If she is married, expose to her husband immediately it is only fair he knows.

I know you want to save your family but at what cost to you and your kids. Your WH needs to fight for his family, not you. Your trust can never be restored if he does not pull out all the stops to do that (based on what you say, he is not willing). His telling you to stop digging up the past, let him get over her, etc is all stalling tactics and him refusing to deal with the nuclear bomb he dropped in the marriage.
Why are you not angry? Go scorched earth on his ass for deceiving you this much and over a period of time.
Tell him, you have fallen out of love with him and no longer see him the way you did before.
If he really wants to make it work, he will do everything to 'win' you back. If not, let him go painful as it is, as he is not worth it.
i am sorry you are here.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

This is an OLD thread on infidelity. Take opinions that resonate with you. Your husband is putting work on you---don't allow this. He is not showing remorse. Sorry you are in such pain.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Sometimes people really try to tell us who they are and we refuse to listen. OP - listen to your husband now, not what he says but by his actions...this is who he is. He's not the great guy you thought you married. He's not the great dad and husband that would protect the family at any cost. He's in love with this woman and is and has been checked out with you for at least a year, but probably longer. Listen. To. Him.

So painful I'm sure to see this but take him off the pedestal you've placed him on. He's a seriously sad and flawed person, selfish and has no problem lying to your face for over a year. You are the prize here and he doesn't want you unfortunately and made his choice. Don't be desperate to be "Plan B". Probably says far more about him than you. It's time to release fanciful thoughts on reconciliation and play hard ball now. He hasn't shown any respect for you despite your efforts and playing doormat to appease will only further embolden him and lower his respect. Most importantly - you didn't cause this and you have nothing to be ashamed about. Find your strength...

Pulling for you!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Why do you continually do the Pick Me Dance over and over and over?

You find out he's cheating, and you do the Pick me Dance, hoping he'll pick you.

He lies to you and claims he's working on the marriage and has stopped the affair, and there you are, furiously still doing the Pick me Dance, pandering to him and giving him 110% while getting precious little in return during false reconciliation.

You find out yet AGAIN that the lying cheater has not only seen your pain from the first time you caught him, but chose to ignore it and *continued* selfishly having his affair while lying to you and making false promises and giving you false hope day after day after day.

It takes a special kind of *monster* to _see_ his wife's devastation from his **** behavior and then continue doing it, building false hope, betraying her more, and not giving a rat's ass that he's setting her up AGAIN for eventual devastation and trauma. 

And sadly, because you won't show yourself the *respect you deserve,* you continually cling to this monster and beg him to love you, trying your level best to 'win' him back from his OW.

Going to see a lawyer was nothing more than a ploy on your part in the hopes of jarring him into coming back to you. That's just painfully apparent.



> I knew this was wrong. So I did what he wanted out of love.


Your legs must be so tired from continually non-stop doing the Pick Me Dance. Except this time, you disrespected yourself even more and chose to accept his unacceptable garbage about how he needs to wean himself off his soul mate and how you can expect NOTHING (and smile while you're doing it) from him while he goes through this process. Then one day, if you're a real good girl, you'll win this prize back.



> The ironic thing is now I know what I should do but feel guilty asking for a divorce if he now is truly trying.


And what excuse will you use when you're proved *wrong* and find out this lying cheater is STILL seeing his little soul mate? He hasn't stopped seeing her. He's just gotten a whole lot slimier and sneakier at doing it, is all. 

Of _course_ he doesn't want to divorce. Who wants to split their assets, lose a good portion of their 401k, and possibly pay alimony for LIFE (and child support if you have kids) when you're 40+ years old? Not too many men is the answer. That reason ALONE has kept *many* a man in a marriage they no longer wanted to stay in.

Secondly, his girlfriend may be married and/or in a position where she doesn't want to be with him full time so that could be a reason this selfish ass-hole doesn't want a divorce. And that's why he'll continue lying to you - to keep you where he wants you, keeping the home-fires burning and helping him support his lifestyle while providing all his creature comforts for him. While you're doing all that, he'd like to continue seeing his girlfriend whenever it's convenient for him.

Lastly, you're *Plan B*. Good old SarahMarie, so eager to take his rotten ass back once his little affair has run it's course and he needs to come back to what's familiar and safe. Even after being kicked in the face by him over and over and over and over and over, good old SarahMarie has proven again and again that she'll happily overlook his **** treatment because she wants him back at all costs - and he KNOWS it. Why in hell would he throw THAT away if he doesn't have to? And if he can't be with his OW, then you're second best. Plan B.



> So here we are today. He says he hasnt had any contact with her in almost 2 months. He says he will seek therapy. He wants our marriage.


That's about as cliche as it gets. That's pretty much what all cheaters spew when they need to placate their BS and smooth the waters. They throw out the 'therapy' card as if it's some kind of magic cure. And of course, they lie and claim they're no longer seeing their affair partner.

Can you believe him?

Likely not.

I'd go to the lawyer again but THIS time do it for* you*, not for show.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Sarahmarie said:


> Hello,
> 
> So confused and conflicted. Seven months ago I figured out on my own that my husband of 17 years was having an affair with a married coworker for 5 months. From what I can tell it was mostly an emotional affair. He says he felt we were growing apart and so he persued attention elsewhere. Nice. Anyhow it was very shocking and rocked my world. No one who knows him would ever believe he was capable of this. Never. I knew I wanted to try and save our marriage. I thought my husband made a one time mistake and our marriage was worth saving. And he agreed.
> 
> ...


First off, you are not the one that put your family at risk, or broke up your family - your husband did that. He not only betrayed you, but betrayed your kids as well by destroying the foundation they rely on for life and growth - your marriage. As well as decimating the emotional health of their mother.

And second, you don't need to keep this to yourself. Tell your mother, your sister, or a best friend - whoever you're closest to, and can be trusted to not spread it around. Tell them what happened, and what you're going through. Let them be there for you during this time of hardship. It will make all the difference.

As for your husband... he doesn't sound remorseful to me. As you said, he's made himself into the victim here. If you want to try to save your marriage, then you should read "His Needs, Her Needs", "Love Busters", and "Surviving an Affair" - all by the same author. If you decide to divorce him, then you are well within your rights. Remember that your husband did this, not you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sarahmarie said:


> So confused and conflicted. Seven months ago I figured out on my own that my husband of 17 years was having an affair with a *married coworker for 5 months.* From what I can tell it was *mostly an emotional affair... *


Mostly Emotional? Don't believe his lies. 5 months with a coworker everyday? More than hand-holding has taken place.

Have you outed this woman to her husband? Regardless of your final intentions the OW husband has a right to know the truth. If the tables were turned wouldn't you want to know?



Sarahmarie said:


> The ironic thing is now I know what I should do but feel guilty asking for a divorce if he now is truly trying. I am so confused! I am literally getting sick of pretending everything is ok...especially around my family. I must sound like such an idiot sticking around. *I feel like a fool. He is a good father. *My kids (10 & 12) think he is the best thing in the whole world! So scared to break up our family. But there are times I think I might just lose my mind. *Can I possibly ever trust him again? Will I ever be able to feel happy again with him as my husband?*


Good Father? He not only cheated on you, he is cheating on his children, the stability of the family. The time and energy he is putting into the OW is literally stolen from the family.

Trust? Everyone is different in this regard, but without exception the level of trust prior to DD will never be seen again. Not saying that Reconciliation cannot happen and happiness cannot be achieved, but to die for you Trust is forever gone.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You stick to your guns right now. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE FOR HIM. 

Honestly... It seriously is. 

This is not an ultimatum you give him, but if he actually gave a damn about your marriage he would have gotten a new job MONTHS ago, and turned himself into a pretzel to make it up to you. 

You need to file, if he is serious that you are his one and only then he will make divorce SUPER easy on you, and if he mends his way make a year or two down the road you can try again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The VERY least he should have done is leave his place of work. The fact that he has made NO effort to do that shows that he isn't committed to the marriage. How can you possibly trust him when they are together every day?
Secondly, make sure that her poor husband knows what sort of woman his wife is. Tell him what has been going on.
I honestly don't see how you can trust him again. He has lied and deceived and lied and deceived again.

I agree with others, you must tell people, even if its just close family. You need their support.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Can you expand on how things were in the year or so leading up to his emotional affair? Why would he think you were drifting apart? Did you feel that way? Not that in any way it justifies the affair, but it can help put it in context and help figure out what the best way forward might be.

His attitude is terrible and is no way conducive to a recovery. From what you describe about your feelings, it is unlikely that you can recover this into a loving and trust-filled marriage again. But since you have kids, you *may* be able to build something that gets you to a good place for them until they are a little older. But that will require a lot of work on his part and a whole lot of luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've been giving advice to women like you for 20 years. I've seen it all. And I have a good enough database now to tell you that what you are doing WILL NOT WORK. When a man cheats, the only times I have EVER seen them drop everything and go back to their wives and do whatever it takes is when he is about to lose his wife. Period.

Go back to the lawyer and start the divorce. You can always call it off later if your H gets his head out of his behind. Hand him the papers and tell him he has until the end of November to move out. If he fights it, simply say I'm divorcing you unless you prove to me that I shouldn't. And then drop it. Stop doing all things with him. If you have kids, start leaving the kids with him at least one day every weekend so he can start to understand what divorced looks like - go to a friend's house, get a hotel if you can afford it, go out of town, I don't care. Just LEAVE him with the kids and refuse to help out. 

If you will be the one moving out, start boxing up your stuff you don't need. If he will be the one moving out, start boxing up his stuff. Trust me, this is very important. Take down wedding photos. Stop doing any activities with him. He is no longer your friend, he is the enemy who destroyed your life, your family, and lied to you. He.is.not.your.friend.

Make him prove otherwise and by the end of the month, you will know which way to go by his actions.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

He didn't stop because he didn't want to. People generally do what they want and they won't change unless they have a reason to. The thing is, is he truly trying? Did he give you back his password? Has he actually scheduled an appointment with a therapist? How is he treating you? Has he consistently shown remorse for his actions?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn't want a divorce (most cheaters don't) but neither does he want to work on the marriage. What he wants to do is rug-sweep his affair (which may or may not really be over). If he isn't willing to do everything possible to rebuild your marriage then you have your answer.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SarahMarie:
"I would have low moments where I needed to talk about things and he began denying things he had said or did. He was completely devoid of compassion. He said I needed to stop bringing up the past. He acted like he was the wounded one. I had said I would have to look at his phone from time to time to ease fears and he was fine with that. But one day I saw he changed his password. He says he did it to trap me. I was astounded! I told him he needed to go seek therapy. No matter if it actually pushed us towards divorce. "

This should tell you all you need to know. He is NOT remorseful. If he was, and REALLY wanted to keep your marriage, he would be bending over backward to tell you EVERYTHING you wanted to know, as many times as you need it. He would be working to see what he could do to help YOU get through this. He is not. He is trying to rug-sweep this and get you to go along with it. DON'T!

You really need to protect YOURSELF and your children. Keep on with the divorce/lawyer, and make sure you have a plan to protect your finances. He MAY get it at some point during the proceedings.

Also, if his AP is married/attached, you should make sure that their spouse knows about this (AND don't tell him you are doing this).


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## Sarahmarie (Oct 22, 2018)

Thank you everyone for your advice. Going to answer some of the questions. My husbands AP husband knows she was cheating. They are supposedly working on their marriage. But not sure if he knows they never stopped when they first said they were.

My husband says he was not happy about our marriage beginning last year. I suffer from chronic painful migraines. An episode can last 5 days. I do what I can to not let it effect my daily life. But living with chronic pain can get to you. He is someone who needs lots of attention and guess I wasnt giving him enough. Also he snores...it is pretty bad. He wouldnt get help. I tried using earplugs but wearing them all the time was painful. So often I would go downstairs to get some sleep. I couldnt help it. Sleep was the only thing that kept me from my pain. He knew all this. But he says me not giving him enough affection hurt him and made him feel unloved. And I can understand that. But why couldnt he just talk to me if he was feeling neglected instead of cheating on me. I guess I carry some guilt. But I also know there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse!

Lately he has been acting like nothing is wrong. He doesnt seem to be looking for a different job. As far as I know he hasnt made appt with a therapist. 

It is amazing how different I feel compared to when I first found out. All I wanted was to heal our marriage. I had complete faith we could do it. But after finding out he strung me along for 4 months...letting me feel happy and telling me how he would do anything to keep our family together. But he was still a cheater. How can that not mess someone up! Now I don’t look at him the same. He has changed me forever. I know I can never trust him again. Everytime he is at work late, is going somewhere, is texting on his phone...all I can do is think he is still betraying me. Even if he isnt.

It has been almost 7 months since I initially figured this all out. Two months since he promised the affair is actually over. Is that enough time to realize things can’t be fixed and this is over?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sarahmarie said:


> Hello,
> 
> So confused and conflicted. Seven months ago I figured out on my own that my husband of 17 years was having an affair with a married coworker for 5 months. From what I can tell it was mostly an emotional affair. He says he felt we were growing apart and so he persued attention elsewhere. Nice. Anyhow it was very shocking and rocked my world. No one who knows him would ever believe he was capable of this. Never. I knew I wanted to try and save our marriage. I thought my husband made a one time mistake and our marriage was worth saving. And he agreed.
> 
> ...


Didn’t read all that, but I just want to add this real quick —

If he says they never had sex then he’s lying.

If they’re still working together then they’re still in contact.

For as long as they’re in contact, the affair is still on (and they’re probably still ****ing).

Expose the affair to the other woman’s husband. That’s (the very first part of) the surest way to kill the affair.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Sarahmarie said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice. Going to answer some of the questions. My husbands AP husband knows she was cheating. They are supposedly working on their marriage. But not sure if he knows they never stopped when they first said they were.
> 
> My husband says he was not happy about our marriage beginning last year. I suffer from chronic painful migraines. An episode can last 5 days. I do what I can to not let it effect my daily life. But living with chronic pain can get to you. He is someone who needs lots of attention and guess I wasnt giving him enough. Also he snores...it is pretty bad. He wouldnt get help. I tried using earplugs but wearing them all the time was painful. So often I would go downstairs to get some sleep. I couldnt help it. Sleep was the only thing that kept me from my pain. He knew all this. But he says me not giving him enough affection hurt him and made him feel unloved. And I can understand that. But why couldnt he just talk to me if he was feeling neglected instead of cheating on me. I guess I carry some guilt. But I also know there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse!
> 
> ...


He hasn't even done half the stuff he said he would. Hasn't even started. His actions completely contradict his words and he still blameshifts. 

At this point, if you continue waiting any longer, you risk your sanity and yourself in the process.

Start protecting yourself and your children now.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

First, I am sorry you are here. This is a club that nobody wants to be a member of. Second, have you been tested for stds? Him as well? Have you slept with him since the discovery? Please understand. They have slept together.

The fact that he has asked you for time to "get her out of his head" is appalling and disgusting. If he truly wanted to work on the marriage, he would have found a different job away from her, set up marital Counseling immediately, answered all of your questions without hesitation, and not changed his password on his phone, among a myriad of other things to make you feel comfortable that you could trust him again. He has done none of this. This should tell you everything you need to know.

I do not believe that the affair has stopped. Nor do I believe the affair was only emotional. They work together for goodness sake! They have plenty of time to carry on however they please.

He is a horrible husband, he is a terrible father for destroying your family. Any father or mother who would cheat on their spouse and shatter their family is not a good parent. 

And remember this is not your fault. So the poor widdle muffin didn't get enough attention because you suffer from chronic migraines. Quick! Where is the world's smallest violin? I do not suffer from chronic migraines like you, but I am indeed a migraine sufferer. I can only imagine what you deal with when you get them chronically. And I don't have children! I have a very understanding husband who takes care of everything while I am lying in bed for two days trying to get over it. Frankly, your husband sounds like a spoiled brat.

Please please just remember. This is not your fault. His cheating is not your fault. The breaking up of the family, should you divorce, is not your fault. He destroyed your family. You did not. Please do not feel guilt over that. Google chump lady. She has a blog that is very no nonsense and tells it like it is. I think you would gain a lot of wisdom from her. Go see that divorce lawyer and have him file divorce papers. Your husband is selfish. You and your kids deserve better.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

He doesn't sound like he's changed or doing anything differently. If he was sincere about this, he would be bending over backward to show his efforts and he isn't doing that. You should consider all your options and visit a lawyer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course he hasn't changed. Of course he's not taking care of your needs. You have proven that he can cheat on you and you're so codependent - or whatever it is - and you'll never leave. He has the perfect world: weak, needy wife at home who takes care of the 'image' and 'housecare' stuff, and wild woman on the side who makes him feel like a man (in his mind). 

You're no fun anymore. You have medical needs. He never really expected to have to take care of you. Why? Most likely because he's a narcissist. Look it up. Look at the symptoms. 

AGAIN, he has no reason to change, no reason to take care of you, no reason to have remorse. He's a god and he gets to keep doing whatever he wants because YOU ARE STILL THERE.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband is not at all remorseful. If he were, he would be doing everything he possibly could to heal your marriage. Talk is cheap and that -- not action -- is all he's offering. Many would have already left by now but it's your choice what to do next. Start planning -- just in case.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Sarahmarie said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice. Going to answer some of the questions. My husbands AP husband knows she was cheating. They are supposedly working on their marriage. But not sure if he knows they never stopped when they first said they were.
> 
> My husband says he was not happy about our marriage beginning last year. I suffer from chronic painful migraines. An episode can last 5 days. I do what I can to not let it effect my daily life. But living with chronic pain can get to you. He is someone who needs lots of attention and guess I wasnt giving him enough. Also he snores...it is pretty bad. He wouldnt get help. I tried using earplugs but wearing them all the time was painful. So often I would go downstairs to get some sleep. I couldnt help it. Sleep was the only thing that kept me from my pain. He knew all this. But he says me not giving him enough affection hurt him and made him feel unloved. And I can understand that. But why couldnt he just talk to me if he was feeling neglected instead of cheating on me. I guess I carry some guilt. But I also know there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse!
> 
> ...


No, two months is not enough time to get over such an event. But to be quite clear, I'm not saying you _should _get over it. Just that if you want to, it's going to take much longer than two months.

I personally don't think your husband's actions reflect a commitment to healing the rift in your marriage. So you will have to decide whether you want pick up the slack, and hope he comes around. Or leave him where he sits, and find someone who values you enough to not cheat on you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"the time was painful. So often I would go downstairs to get some sleep. I couldnt help it. Sleep was the only thing that kept me from my pain. He knew all this. But he says me not giving him enough affection hurt him and made him feel unloved. And I can understand that. But why couldnt he just talk to me if he was feeling neglected instead of cheating on me. I guess I carry some guilt. But I also know there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse!
"
THis is TYPICAL cheater speak - he is just trying to turn everything around and blame YOU for his cheating. This again is typical BS. HE is completely at fault.

Also, you should tell the AP husband the whole thing -- that they continued seeing each other. IF he is still working with her, what are the chances that he does NOT talk to her or contact at all?? Probably not very good -- they are probably still connecting, but just limiting it to in person at work.

"Lately he has been acting like nothing is wrong. He doesnt seem to be looking for a different job. As far as I know he hasnt made appt with a therapist. "

So he continues to NOT do anything for YOU to help YOU. Again, do you think he is remorseful and is a good person to reconcile with??


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sarahmarie said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice. Going to answer some of the questions. My husbands AP husband knows she was cheating. They are supposedly working on their marriage. But not sure if he knows they never stopped when they first said they were.
> 
> My husband says he was not happy about our marriage beginning last year. I suffer from chronic painful migraines. An episode can last 5 days. I do what I can to not let it effect my daily life. But living with chronic pain can get to you. He is someone who needs lots of attention and guess I wasnt giving him enough. Also he snores...it is pretty bad. He wouldnt get help. I tried using earplugs but wearing them all the time was painful. So often I would go downstairs to get some sleep. I couldnt help it. Sleep was the only thing that kept me from my pain. He knew all this. But he says me not giving him enough affection hurt him and made him feel unloved. And I can understand that. But why couldnt he just talk to me if he was feeling neglected instead of cheating on me. I guess I carry some guilt. But I also know there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse!
> 
> ...


Sarah Marie, yes you are right. Go and see the lawyer. PLease tell your family and friends what he has done. Expose him for what he is. He thinks you will never leave him, he thinks he has got you and you will do nothing about it, because that is what you did at the beginning. He has no respect for you,he still lies to you and will continue to do so. This affair may end, but if he has no respect for you, another will happen. YOu are worth more than this, do not stay as your life will be miserable. If he is not prepared to be honest and open and do all it takes to make things right then do not waste your time any longer.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sarahmarie said:


> My husband says he was *not happy about our marriage beginning last year...
> *
> *Also he snores...* it is pretty bad... So often I would go downstairs to get some sleep.


Cheaters will always back the clock up and tell you they have been unhappy for years prior. In most cases this is unknown to the BS. Don't buy any of it. They never communicate their feelings, ask about counseling, or have an honest discussion about their feeling. Cheating is so much easier. 

Snoring? My WW complained about my snoring. She would literally kick me out of bed. To allow her to sleep I started sleeping in the spare. Guess what? One of her reasons for cheating? We didn't sleep in the same bed. Cheaters will just twist whatever they can to justify. Don't buy it. 



Sarahmarie said:


> *He has changed me forever.*


QFT


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Violet28 said:


> He didn't stop because he didn't want to. People generally do what they want and they won't change unless they have a reason to. The thing is, is he truly trying? Did he give you back his password? Has he actually scheduled an appointment with a therapist? How is he treating you? Has he consistently shown remorse for his actions?


Pfffft.

None of this means *squat*.

Many cheaters can 'show' remorse, be 'transparent' by handing over their passwords, book a therapy appointment and be on their best behavior around their betrayed spouse and STILL be cheating.

It's pretty easy to put on a show of remorse - cheaters do it and fool their BS's *all the time*. And it's equally easy handing out your passwords to your BS when you've already created new secret emails and accounts and are now using a burner phone that the BS knows nothing about. Booking and sitting in a few hour-long bull**** therapy sessions and telling some therapist what they want to hear requires minimal effort.

It's very very easy for a cheater to be putting on this fake little show while STILL being in their affair. You see it over and over and over and over and over on all the infidelity boards.


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## Sarahmarie (Oct 22, 2018)

Update on my pathetic life:
So we spoke last night. I told him how I dont trust him and our marriage just wont work. He acted shocked. He now acts as if I am the one ruining our marriage by trying to end it. By “giving up”. Cause he is now trying since he stopped the affair and has had one counseling session. He keeps saying “so you are done?” Thats so unfair. After I did all the work for months trying to save us. Making myself look so pathetic. Now he wants us to go to couples counseling. Why didnt I end things right when I found out he never stopped cheating? Now he gets to look and feel like the victim. I am so stupid!!!!


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am so stupid!!!!


NO...somewhat ironic I guess but this is the smartest thing you've done. This man sounds like a terrible manipulator. Expose to all and move on. Just one internet POV here but don't second guess this one. Probably shocked that your perfect husband actually was a selfish jerk this whole time...imagine what else is hiding in his closet.

Be strong.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

It sounds to me like your husband has justified his actions in his own mind. My guess is he still feels he was justified in having his affair. How can someone feel justified in having an affair? Because he is an extremely self centered individual. He doesn't see you suffering from chronic migraines and want to take care of you, he only processes how it inconveniences him and how it affects your ability to meet his needs. He doesn't look for ways to stop his snoring he just gets butthurt when you go sleep somewhere else. It appears he has no empathy in him, he doesn't seem remorseful because he is incapable of understanding your pain. Worst case he just doesn't care about you or your feelings. 

I seriously doubt anything will make him come around, see the pain he has caused, understand how bad he screwed up, and decide to do what is necessary to fix the marriage. Worse his initial response was so bad, I also doubt you will ever be able to trust him again, a marriage without trust isn't really a marriage.

If I were you I would get back to the divorce lawyer, get yourself prepared and file. Maybe being served and told to move out will smack some sense and decency into him, but I doubt it will for real. 

Let him sit in his own reality while you focus on actual reality and protect yourself and your kids.


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## Sarahmarie (Oct 22, 2018)

I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


I hope you can step back and realize the absurdity of what he is saying. He is the one who had the affair. He broke the marriage. He's the one who made his son's future uncertain. It is unfair for him to blame you for the affair or for not sticking it out. You gave him a chance (which you didn't have to do), and he only made a trivial effort to fix things. 

I also hope you realize he will not change. To him, it will always be your fault he had the affair. It will always be your fault that you weren't supportive enough of him during this time. He will continue to externalize the blame for what he did and the consequences of it. 

I can see some pros and cons of going to couple's counseling. The pros would be that the counselor would point out his flaws and maybe he would change. But the cons would be that he would spend the whole time coming up with reasons why he felt unloved and that the affair was justified. Since you have kids, I think it would be beneficial to give some counseling a try so that you can tell your boys that you tried everything to make it work. But the important thing would be to stand up for yourself and call him out when he blames you for his own issues.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

I can understand why you're wanting to walk away from your marriage right now. And if your husband can't, then he is clearly not in a place where he deserves any kind of chance. Never mind a third one. 
He isn't being "wonderful". What he's doing is trying to do is make this your fault. And he's trying to guilt you into doing what he wants - for now (and that could change again, just like it did before). Not what is best for you or your kids. So I will say it very plainly - you are not ending your marriage. He did. And more than once. 

You are still in shock. And it is hard to know your own heart and mind when you're still gasping from being punched in the stomach. I strongly recommend personal counseling - for you. I found it helped so much to get me to a point where I knew what I was deciding and why.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


Well.. SO WHAT if he thinks you're terrible?? He is a master manipulator and full of ****. You must get out of this marriage... so let him think whatever the hell he wants to about you. Make sure you expose this to everyone possible. This whole thing is all on him and you know this, you have the truth on your side, no matter HOW he tries to spin things. 

Get pissed, anger will serve you well in this situation. He isn't worth holding on to.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


Put your food down, put on your big girl panties and tell him, HE was the one who broke up the family when he decided to lie, cheat and have an affair and lie and cheat some more. 
Cheaters only know how to pull the guilt trip. You owe him zero. You owe your kids a happy mother who can live life free of a Lying cheating POS.

What did he think? That he would get a slap on the back for doing what he did?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


Just turn it back on him when he says this. Tell him "YOU are the one who cheated. YOU are the one that didn't care about your own family because you did this. I am NOT the cause of this, but this is the effect that you produced."

You are correct that it is unfair to lay it on you, but he doesn't care. He is trying to guilt trip you to do what HE wants.

Expose what he did to your/his family as well. He will try to make YOU look like the bad guy to them (and it will NOT be the truth at all, but you will have to fight to correct their view -- get ahead of it instead).


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sarahmarie said:


> Update on my pathetic life:
> So we spoke last night. I told him how I dont trust him and our marriage just wont work. He acted shocked. He now acts as if I am the one ruining our marriage by trying to end it. By “giving up”. Cause he is now trying since he stopped the affair and has had one counseling session. He keeps saying “so you are done?” Thats so unfair. After I did all the work for months trying to save us. Making myself look so pathetic. Now he wants us to go to couples counseling. Why didnt I end things right when I found out he never stopped cheating? Now he gets to look and feel like the victim. I am so stupid!!!!


Sweetie, you are NOT stupid. Stop that talk right now. I know you're in shock. You are not stupid. You were hopeful and were trying to keep your family together. No shame in that.

No. He doesn't get to turn the tables on you. HE QUIT THE MARRIAGE and gave up the day he decided to have an affair. HE IS NOT THE VICTIM you are. And YES YOU ARE DONE!!! It's perfectly ok to be done with his cheating ass!!!! 

Lol. ONE counseling session. What, does he get a parade or something??!!!

Seriously. Call the lawyer. Use your anger to propel you forward right now. Get gone. I know you're hurting. I know it's easier said than done. But he has the balls to lay the blame at your feet??!!!! Come on. He's a jerk. Not one lick of remorse!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sarahmarie said:


> Update on my pathetic life:
> So we spoke last night. I told him how I dont trust him and our marriage just wont work. He acted shocked. He now acts as if I am the one ruining our marriage by trying to end it. By “giving up”. Cause he is now trying since he stopped the affair and has had one counseling session. He keeps saying “so you are done?” Thats so unfair. After I did all the work for months trying to save us. Making myself look so pathetic. Now he wants us to go to couples counseling. Why didnt I end things right when I found out he never stopped cheating? Now he gets to look and feel like the victim. I am so stupid!!!!


First, I'm assuming you've told family and friends the truth, right? That he cheated on you? If not, do it now. 

Second, anyone who sides with him once you tell them shows who they really are and you're better off without them in your life, no matter what they think. 

Third, when he tells you something like that, YOU NEED TO LEARN to just shrug and say 'sucks to be you.' Stop thinking that you need him to agree with you, ok? That is handing over your power to him. And look at what that has gotten you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


Who cares what he says? HE REPEATEDLY CHEATED ON YOU. He gave up when he cheated, ok? Not you.

He has given up the right to criticize anything you do. Please get to a therapist who can help you shrug off his manipulation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters lie. And blame. It's just what they do. He's shocked he's not getting his way because he expected you to forgive him unconditionally. He can't believe you're not "back to normal" now. 

Yes, you probably should have left then but we all have things we should have done and didn't. What matters now is how you deal with this going forward. He doesn't want out and he's going to continue gaslighting you to convince you to stay. Don't let him.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


You cannot allow yourself to be drug in to his manipulation. 

This is him trying to say his ass. That is all. 

Also, he is lying, if they were in an affair they were sleeping together, not doubt. 

After two d-days you need to divorce, anything else would make you are doormat...


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


**** him. Where was he during the 4 months you were the one trying? He does not get brownie points just for ending contact and going to one measly counseling session.

He sounds like a manipulative POS. If you can, inform your family so he doesn’t control the narrative. And no, you are not taking the family away, he pushed them away himself. He does not get to act sad about missing his AP and shocked that you want to leave him for it. He’s full of it.

You need to start protecting yourself. Now.


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## Dusk (Oct 29, 2018)

What a nasty piece of work your husband is. He is shocked you haven’t turned out to be the doormat he assumed you were. Good for you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You need to fully understand that absolutely nothing about his choices are your fault. How much you weigh is irrelevant. How often you were a sex goddess is irrelevant. Whether you gave him all of your attention is irrelevant. Whether or not he was feeling down is irrelevant. Ignore anything that puts the focus on you and how you might be to blame. Because it is all bull. This choice is 1000% on him. End of story. And unless and until he gets that, he is not worth being married to.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Don't you now see? You have no choice left but to leave. Record his tirades on audio and show it to whom ever you need to prove that YOU ARE NOT the bad guy here. But otherwise YOU NEED TO SUCK IT UP! He is using the only weapon his has against you, YOUR CREDIBILITY and you dont need to let him. LEAVE him and that will be your first step of stopping the abuse he heaps on you. 

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE, AND NO TOO VICIOUS. 


He is a hot potato, why you still gripping him. He is scorching your hand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


Someone else said that your husband is a nasty piece of work, they are right! He's trying to turn all this on you. Don't buy into his nonsense.

He cheated on you. He is the one who broke your relationship.

I think you need to learn a lot more about affairs and what is needed to fix the marriage. He is the one who has to do the heavy lifting here, not you. Sure things were not perfect in your marriage. But he is the one who chose to cheat instead of talking to you and fixing things. This is all on him.

There are some books that I think would benefit you.

"*Surviving an Affair*" by Dr. Harley. This book has a good plan for how you need to deal with the affair. There is a lot that you need to do. The book gives you the plan. In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have already done Plan A. That's where you change the things that you can in your relationship. You have done Plan A. You should now be in Plan B, the book talks about plan B.

Your husband needs to end all contact with the OW. He needs to write her a no contact letter. The book has the no contact letter. Use the wording in the book. Then you both send it to the OW together. Then, the other part of establishing no contact is that he has to quit his job. That most likely means he needs to find a new one. Until all contact with the OW has ended, there is no way you can move forward with your marriage.

Until he established no contact by sending the no contact letter and finding a new job, you should be in Plan B. Read the book as it gives you detail about Plan B. Also read the webpage for the 180 linked in my signature block. That is how you need to be interacting with him until he ends all contact (sends letter and has a new job). Basically in Plan B you withdraw completely emotionally from him. If he wants to save your marriage he needs to do the work at this point.

for some reason your husband thinks that he's the victim and you are the one who has to do all the work. He's wrong and you need to be very clear that he has to give you reason for wanting to stay. And so far he has done noting but cheated, lied and played you for a fool. 

Also, while you say that he's a good father, a good father does not have an affair and put his children's family at risk.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If this happened to me I would set clear conditions for the marriage to carry on.
These would be non negotiable. 

1) he must get another job
2) go to couples counselling
3)be completely open and transparent with his phone and computer for as long as I needed it. 
4)answer any of my questions honestly and completely. 

If he refused any of these then I would ask him to leave.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

He had his chance, one he clearly did not deserve, and he blew it.

What destroyed the marriage was not your unwillingness to work on it, it was his affair, followed by his disingenuous pretend reconciliation. Note that the reason he's open to reconciliation now is because his girlfriend dumped him. He doesn't even have the maturity or empathy to grasp how you feel, how any normal person would feel. Now all he has left are pathetic attempts at manipulation.

You're far nicer than I am. File for divorce. If he's able to clean up his act in a few years, maybe you can date him. Don't waste your time and money in marriage counseling. He's not worth it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

@Sarahmarie

You really need to get a copy of the *"CHEATER'S HANDBOOK"*. It really does simplify the cheater's mindset.

CH 4: What do I do when my spouse catches me.

....... 1) Blame the victim for the consequence of my actions.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

Its always the one cheated on who is to blame for the affair. No its not- your husband is the one to blame for the affair. Just remember that.

You have all the power now. Get out and no one will blame you. If you show him you are ready to walk, he needs to toe the line and do whatever you say.


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## Sarahmarie (Oct 22, 2018)

I don’t know why I keep hanging on. I know everything said in here is true. And I needed to hear it all. I just keep thinking the man I love, the man I married is still in there. The man I thought would never ever be capable of doing what he has done. Where is that man?

He has gone to two therapy sessions. He says the therapist helped him understand why I cant trust him anymore. Why I am still in pain and doubt our marriage can recover. Why cant a cheater see that on their own? It is common sense.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Sarahmarie - you probably know by now that this board is absolutely brutal to cheaters. So many here have been hurt like you. So expect that this will trigger for them and the kind of feedback you'll get. Have you ever really gotten a straight story on the extent of this all? Didn't seem so.

I've never been cheated on (that I know of at least) but will say this: your husband has shown you something about himself. Don't rug sweep that or ignore it or assume that this was just a mistake or something out of character. It's who he *actually* is. He'll never be the flawless guy that said "i do" so many years ago. He never was that guy to begin with. If you choose to reconcile make sure you know who you are granting that gift to. The folks here will tell you that reconciliation is tough even when the cheater fully understands the devastation they've caused and have committed to changing themselves and re-earning love and trust any way possible. Just being honest here your husband might be one of the least contrite cheaters I've yet seen here. Maybe that will change but it's a huge warning sign nonetheless.

Whatever you choose you will find support here so stick with us.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You deserve better than a man who doesn't give a damn that he's hurt you. You cannot reconcile with someone who not only has no remorse for what they did, but chooses to blame their victim for their own actions. Sure, you can remain married... but what kind of life is that??


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Sarahmarie said:


> Why cant a cheater see that on their own? It is common sense.


Sarahmarie - I'm afraid that common sense and infidelity are mutually exclusive. There is nothing logical or reasonable about the choices a wayward spouse makes. Having an affair is about hormones, ego, lust and immediate gratification. So when consequences do inevitably roll around, it's often quite a shock to the person who started that ball rolling. I suspect it will take your husband months to get to the point where he will take responsibility for his own behaviour. And more critically, the impact of it on you. Sadly there is a chance that he may never get there. Many do not - and would rather blame everyone else rather than face up fully to the damage they have caused.

Focus right now on helping yourself. You will not find understanding and a way through this by trying to understand him and his behaviour. There is nothing that can be "understood" about his affair that will take away your pain. I'm sorry. 

Do you have someone you trust who you can talk to?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The man you thought he was is not reality. You need to let go of that fantasy so you can deal with the man he actually is.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Sarahmarie said:


> I don’t know why I keep hanging on. I know everything said in here is true. And I needed to hear it all. I just keep thinking the man I love, the man I married is still in there. The man I thought would never ever be capable of doing what he has done. Where is that man?
> 
> He has gone to two therapy sessions. He says the therapist helped him understand why I cant trust him anymore. Why I am still in pain and doubt our marriage can recover. Why cant a cheater see that on their own? It is common sense.


Because his head is still up his arse. In that period, no amount of reason will get through to them if they continue breathing the gas of their own justifications.

He got a six-month long sip of the kool-aid, and now he thinks he's on top of the world.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What steps have you taken? What's going on?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sarah Marie, How are you doing? Have you managed to sort out your thoughts/feelings and what steps you are going to take. it will be so easy to be drawn into the same old regime, please please listen to the people here.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Sarahmarie said:


> I don’t know why I keep hanging on. I know everything said in here is true. And I needed to hear it all. I just keep thinking the man I love, the man I married is still in there. The man I thought would never ever be capable of doing what he has done. Where is that man?
> 
> He has gone to two therapy sessions. He says the therapist helped him understand why I cant trust him anymore. Why I am still in pain and doubt our marriage can recover. Why cant a cheater see that on their own? It is common sense.


To be able to cheat in the first place, it's possible he may lack empathy or it's very low in him. Or he thought you'd stay with him no matter what he put you through. The thing is, once you know that he can do this to you it's very difficult to trust that he won't ever do it again. He even falsely reconciled with you for four months after you initially found out about the affair. To put this in another perspective, what will he lose if you divorce him? The house, half his retirement, alimony or child support? There could be many reasons why he's making an effort now. Maybe she dumped him. His motives may be pure, but that's the rub, once trust is broken it's hard to get back.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Wow, he's seriously shownjust how selfish and manipulative he is!

Stop engaging in any conversation with him!

He won't blame himself for his actions... so that means he's got to blame you! As long as you participate he will blame you. He's a narcissist.

Stop all communications with him.
File for divorce immediately - have him served at work!
Have him move after moving all money/assets into your name only (do this now).
Expose to all family! His family will make excuses for him.

Talk with his OW husband. He needs to know all the new info!

The fact that he's still at that job = the affair is still active.

NONE of what he did is your fault!

His attitude sucks/so does he.

He's not a great dad - in fact he's a terrible dad.

A great dad would NEVER jeopardize their marriage.

He's a blatant liar who doesn't take responsibility for his actions -that sucks for you! Don't believe a word he says!

Why aren't you happy to get rid of this jerk?

He's abusive, manipulative and cruel! Isn't that enough to leave him for good?

NOTHING he could do/say now could convince me to stay under the conditions you've described - nothing! He's shown what a complete jerk he truly is - believe him and get as far away as possible.


He's not the man you thought you knew. That man is long gone.

File asap - for your best interest. Take him to the cleaners - ask for everything in the divorce papers.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Dayummmm! That makes so much sense. I really hope the OP reads that and gets it. I think he life will be much happier without this humiliation. She sounds like a great person who deserves SO much more.




She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why do you continually do the Pick Me Dance over and over and over?
> 
> You find out he's cheating, and you do the Pick me Dance, hoping he'll pick you.
> 
> ...


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## Lost Wife (Nov 3, 2018)

Sarahmarie said:


> Hello,
> 
> So confused and conflicted. Seven months ago I figured out on my own that my husband of 17 years was having an affair with a married coworker for 5 months. From what I can tell it was mostly an emotional affair. He says he felt we were growing apart and so he persued attention elsewhere. Nice. Anyhow it was very shocking and rocked my world. No one who knows him would ever believe he was capable of this. Never. I knew I wanted to try and save our marriage. I thought my husband made a one time mistake and our marriage was worth saving. And he agreed.
> 
> ...


Sorry for skipping other posts, just wanted to say I'm so very sorry you're dealing with this. I understand a lot of what you're saying. I'm also going through a repeated type of betrayal (what your husband has done is far worse though), confusion and guilt over divorcing if he's "trying", and fear over breaking up my family (I have 4 kids, 15,8, 3 and 1). I can understand something of the unreal-ness of what is happening, and the shock, hurt, everything. He has proven himself untrustworthy, and I also understand the line where the repeated offenses have finally crossed over and everything is different, and he seems permanently different to you as well.

I don't know the answer to if your husband will finally change this time or not, or if everyone will be happier post divorce. It's all a big, scary question mark. What IS known is that you are unhappy as-is. And for a very long time, you'll be living with the fear of that betrayal returning, even if he DOES actually change. 

Two months doesn't seem like a long enough time at all to feel safe enough to re-engage. It is completely your choice, but if I were you and had the ability to, I'd separate for awhile until you each figure yourselves out. If he stays accountable even while alone, and proves he's devoted to the marriage for a long time, maybe you could consider him once again. Or not. At least you would have had that space to decide, away from the person who hurt you.


I understand you worry for your children, but they will have their dad in their life, and still have two parents who love them very much, no matter what you decide. You also owe it to them to give them the best version of yourself you can manage, and that might include divorcing in order to find true happiness.

Whatever you choose, I wish for you all the best.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Sarahmarie said:


> Update on my pathetic life:
> So we spoke last night. I told him how I dont trust him and our marriage just wont work. He acted shocked. He now acts as if I am the one ruining our marriage by trying to end it. By “giving up”. Cause he is now trying since he stopped the affair and has had one counseling session. He keeps saying “so you are done?” Thats so unfair. After I did all the work for months trying to save us. Making myself look so pathetic. Now he wants us to go to couples counseling. Why didnt I end things right when I found out he never stopped cheating? Now he gets to look and feel like the victim. I am so stupid!!!!





Sarahmarie said:


> I am at a loss. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us last night. But he is acting like I am terrible for giving up. He is wonderful for now trying and I am the ***** trying to take his family away. Its is so unfair to lay that on me!


Your husband is manipulating you, and deflecting the guilt he should be feeling, onto you. I'm all for forgiveness when reasonable offenses are committed, but an affair is not a reasonable offense. It's the mother of all offenses, and he is not entitled to a 2nd (3rd, really) chance to not screw other people. Not to mention the fact that he's not even remorseful. Don't let him make you feel bad for refusing to accept his affairs.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Maybe he should feel shocked when he is served divorce papers.

Seriously, he's not acting married - so why should you stay married to someone who isn't treating you (and honoring you) as their spouse? You shouldn't! 


Since he's not ever remorseful shows that you should be trying to get divorced asap - without any further conversation with him. Those conversations are only designed to make him feel better and you feel worse.

Stop the abuse from him - get out of this union as soon as you can!


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## Sarahmarie (Oct 22, 2018)

I am still living in limbo. He acts like nothing is wrong. It is like now that he has decided he wants to save our marriage...I am suppose to just go along with it and not feel the pain I feel. I know deep down our marriage can not be saved. Even if he is finally doing the right thing. When I look at him all I see is the man who threw our marriage away so easily for some pathetic desperate married coworker. Why would I ever want him to touch me again after being so easily attracted to someone with no morals. Willinging to ruin her family. Just like him. It would be so much easier if I could look past it all and forget. I dont know how I possible could. I am so scared to make this all final. Afraid of his response. Aftaid of being on my own for the first time in almost 20 years. Just afraid.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am still living in limbo. He acts like nothing is wrong. It is like now that he has decided he wants to save our marriage...I am suppose to just go along with it and not feel the pain I feel. I know deep down our marriage can not be saved. Even if he is finally doing the right thing. When I look at him all I see is the man who threw our marriage away so easily for some pathetic desperate married coworker. Why would I ever want him to touch me again after being so easily attracted to someone with no morals. Willinging to ruin her family. Just like him. It would be so much easier if I could look past it all and forget. I dont know how I possible could. I am so scared to make this all final. Afraid of his response. Aftaid of being on my own for the first time in almost 20 years. Just afraid.


Many of us here have been though that, you will survive. However you must be strong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a woman here who just left her husband for cheating - and she is in her 60s or 70s. She couldn't be happier.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Sarahmarie said:


> I am still living in limbo. He acts like nothing is wrong. It is like now that he has decided he wants to save our marriage...I am suppose to just go along with it and not feel the pain I feel. I know deep down our marriage can not be saved. Even if he is finally doing the right thing. When I look at him all I see is the man who threw our marriage away so easily for some pathetic desperate married coworker. Why would I ever want him to touch me again after being so easily attracted to someone with no morals. Willinging to ruin her family. Just like him. It would be so much easier if I could look past it all and forget. I dont know how I possible could. I am so scared to make this all final. Afraid of his response. Aftaid of being on my own for the first time in almost 20 years. Just afraid.


You need to overcome the fear. He knows your afraid and using it to his own advantage. He more interested in maintaining the status quo than helping you heal. Until he "fears" losing you or the marriage he will never change.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Don't be afraid. There's a certain peacefulness to living without the worry that the person you should be able to count on the most - is no longer capable of betraying you anymore.

No longer living the lies/going along with all the pretending stopped for me after being with my exH for 27 years.

I no longer have to worry and wonder what he's doing behind my back. Simple things even...like when he would go get the car washed and I'd wonder why it took 3 hours! And when I asked her would get angry and defensive! Sheez, I don't miss those days at all!

It always felt like someone was working against me instead of with me. There was always some other agenda I wasn't supposed to find out about.

He would have stayed with me forever if I would have just let him keep lying to my face every single day! But I had enough.

Once I ended it - there was a peace about me that's hard to explain...I took MY life back and everything about my happiness came back after I made a decision to change things!

It doesn't mean I was mean about it - I was just done!

And done meant that he needed to exit my life so that I could make my future happy! And I did! 

I will never allow any man to control my happiness again... they are allowed to add beauty and love in my life - but if they do things that make me "wonder" = no way!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

He is not sorry nor does he want to fix things. He is sorry he got caught twice and is about to be taken to the cleaners through a Divorce. As hard as this is for you do not be fooled. Your husband has betrayed you twice and showed a complete lack of compassion towards you and the pain he inflicted.

I suggest you continue seeing your lawyer seperate any joint finances and Divorce. Do not alert him to any of your plans. It will just give him time to organise himself against you. He has shown you twice exactly what he is capable of.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Sarahmarie Somewhere along the line you skipped class in Cheaters 101 so let's do a little crash course and get you caught up to speed.

This is a completely textbook case of cheating and there is nothing out if ordinary here so let's get you up on the textbook.

Cheating is about selfishness and doing what you want without regard to the hurt is does to other people or the damage it does to marriages and families. 

To put it simply, your H wants to have hot, passionate, no-strings sex with the OW and wants you to keep cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids so he can play and have fun.

He doesn't want to choose and he doesn't want there to be any angst or drama. He wants to bang her and for you to not complain about it. He wants his cake and to eat it too. 

He is "trying to save the marriage" because he doesn't want to pack bags, hire a lawyer, go to court, lose half the furniture and have the kids in his own 50% of the time. He wants to maintain status quo at home without disruption and bang the OW when they have the time.

As long as you suck it up and accept it, he will be as happy as a hog in slop. 

This is all textbook. He is gas lighting and rug sweeping to get you to just drop it. And he is feigning what is called "False Reconciliation."he is just going through the motions to get you to quit whining about it and make him a sammich for when he gets home from having hot, sweaty monkey sex with OW.

You options here are simple - accept this life with him using you for domestic duties and a wife appliance and her for sex and romance, or not accept and move on without him in divorce.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And you are not stupid. 

You are suffering from an addiction to something called Hopium. 

Hopium is a substance that makes you think everything will be as you thought it was and not what really is.

Hopium makes you think he was a kind, faithful, loving person that was completely devoted to you and not someone that would risk everything for some extra tail.

Hopium makes you think he made a "mistake" or that he has some kind of mysterious "fog" or even a mental condition or childhood issues that is making him act this way.

Hopium makes you think that if you act kind and loving and supportive enough, that it will change his bad, selfish and manipulating character into a good one.

Once you cut yourself off from the Hopium and accept that this is who and what he is, you will see everything with Chrystal clarity and will be able to take definitive action for your own health and well being and that if your children.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Poor, poor snowflake.

I didn't realize the *hardships* you'd thrust upon this poor gentle undeserving soul and now I completely understand what made him lie, cheat, betray you, and disrespect you over and over and over and over and over again.

How _*dare*_ you have medical issues (migraines) that interfere with Mr. Wonderful's quality of life! He needs - no, _deserves_!! - lots of attention, and when you're indulging yourself in a Migraine headache, you're dropping the ball! Shame on you!

Secondly, you obviously suck as a wife because you should lie right next to Mr. Wonderful all night long and listen to him snore loudly, sacrificing your own health and well-being by losing sleep and peace of mind. Because come on - he's the only one that matters in your house.



> It has been almost 7 months since I initially figured this all out. Two months since he promised the affair is actually over. Is that enough time to realize things can’t be fixed and this is over?


You're actually going to go through fake reconciliation with a *REMORSELESS* cheater? Seriously?

_Why?_


> I know deep down our marriage can not be saved. Even if he is finally doing the right thing.


What 'right' thing is he finally doing? He has NO remorse, NO shame, NO guilt, NO regret - *NO NOTHING*. He *supposedly* 'stopped' lying to you about his OW, is that what he'd like you to believe? Doubtful. Very, very, very, very doubtful. They're still involved, they're just using different methods to do it, is all. You DO know this last OW was not his first rodeo, don't' you?

You SO need to be done with this POS.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Sarahmarie, Live by yourself or continue to live with someone who doesn't respect you, who doesn't acknowledge the hurt he put you through?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Poor, poor snowflake.
> 
> I didn't realize the *hardships* you'd thrust upon this poor gentle undeserving soul and now I completely understand what made him lie, cheat, betray you, and disrespect you over and over and over and over and over again.
> 
> ...


Killer writing. Well done.


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