# Wife is no longer interested in me sexually?



## TomTheTrain (Dec 15, 2017)

All of my 'issues' started last fall when my wife started working again. Before that, she didn't work very much and she was mostly at home. We would have sex around 3-4 times a week, pretty much since we've been together. When she started working again, the frequency starting dropping off. I noticed she was tired a lot and that seemed to be the reason. The frequency has continued to slow down to 1-2x a month if I am lucky. I have talked to her about this and she insists that it's her and not me. Says she is still attracted to me and 'likes' doing stuff with me. It is becoming increasingly hard to believe her. I think if that is true, then she would do things with me. I am attracted to her and I want to do things with her.

What could be a wrinkle in the story is I had a vasectomy. It went fine and we did enjoy sex carefree for quite a while. However I have a side-effect. I ejaculate a lot. If it's been more than a day it seems to still be a lot. 2 weeks, a ton. She vocally complains each and every time. There is not much I can do about it. She refuses to let me pull out so it's not 'coming out of her the whole next day.' It's also been over a year since she's given me oral...and half a year for a handjob and she basically doesn't touch me at all. 

It's at the point now where we got into an argument this week. I am so fed up I got upset with her. I told her I didn't understand why she won't touch me or do anything. She told me it's not all about me and that she doesn't have to touch me. She said maybe she did it too much in our past and if she hadn't I wouldn't be expecting it now. I just need to grow up and get over it. She is making it all about HER by refusing to be intimate with me.

Well at this stage I'm finding it impossibly difficult not to resent her every waking moment. I am trying to be normal around her but I can't seem to wrap my head around what I can to make the situation better. I cannot hold out indefinitely and I don't want her to get the impression I am ok with this. 

Any advice would be great. I love my wife and I want our relationship to be better and for both of us to feel wanted, loved and respected.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TomTheTrain said:


> I am 39 and my wife is 33. We have been married 14 years and have 2 children. All of my 'issues' started last fall when my wife started working again. Before that, she didn't work very much and she was mostly at home. We would have sex around 3-4 times a week, pretty much since we've been together. When she started working again, the frequency starting dropping off. I noticed she was tired a lot and that seemed to be the reason. The frequency has continued to slow down to 1-2x a month if I am lucky. I have talked to her about this and she insists that it's her and not me. Says she is still attracted to me and 'likes' doing stuff with me. It is becoming increasingly hard to believe her. I think if that is true, then she would do things with me. I am attracted to her and I want to do things with her.
> 
> What could be a wrinkle in the story is spring 2015 I had a vasectomy. It went fine and we did enjoy sex carefree for quite a while. However I have a side-effect. I ejaculate a lot. If it's been more than a day it seems to still be a lot. 2 weeks, a ton. She vocally complains each and every time. There is not much I can do about it. She refuses to let me pull out so it's not 'coming out of her the whole next day.' It's also been over a year since she's given me oral...and since father's day for a handjob and she basically doesn't touch me at all.
> 
> ...


wear a condom.

Also just to be safe check your phone bill.


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## TomTheTrain (Dec 15, 2017)

Thanks...LOL yeah she hates those!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Dittoes on checking the phone bill. 
Ask your doctor about the amount of fluid your dealing with. Can’t imagine how the two are connected. More like less sex is causing a build up. One way or the other you need to get rid of it with her or by hand. What you’re doing now is a leading cause of Prostate cancer.
The reason you should check your phone bill is that cutting the husband off is a huge red flag for a wife committing adultery. Please don’t respond with “not my wife.” That’s been said here thousands of times. Any other red flags or different behavior like dress, grooming, phone locked/usage?
Less than three times a month is officially a sexless marriage.


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## TomTheTrain (Dec 15, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> Dittoes on checking the phone bill.
> Ask your doctor about the amount of fluid your dealing with. Can’t imagine how the two are connected. More like less sex is causing a build up. One way or the other you need to get rid of it with her or by hand. What you’re doing now is a leading cause of Prostate cancer.
> The reason you should check your phone bill is that cutting the husband off is a huge red flag for a wife committing adultery. Please don’t respond with “not my wife.” That’s been said here thousands of times. Any other red flags or different behavior like dress, grooming, phone locked/usage?
> Less than three times a month is officially a sexless marriage.



Thanks...I have read it can be normal with that procedure so I wasn't really worried about it (from my perspective). There are no red flags at all, IMO. When I'm not with her she's at work or at home with the kids so I don't see that being the case (not saying it's impossible).


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, check your phone bill


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Did you let yourself go? Still look good? I'd definitely start going into investigator mode. Have you looked at her phone? Check text messages, facebook messenger, look for WhatsApp or Kik apps. Something has changed her.


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## TomTheTrain (Dec 15, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Did you let yourself go? Still look good? I'd definitely start going into investigator mode. Have you looked at her phone? Check text messages, facebook messenger, look for WhatsApp or Kik apps. Something has changed her.



I am pretty much the same. I have not specifically gone thru her phone but she doesn't try to hide it from me and all the texts she gets are from people I know too. Thanks for the advice.
So no one has anything other than she could be seeing someone else?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If she's not cheating, then my next best guess would be that she resents you a great deal. Start by quietly investigating to rule out cheating. Once you've done that, start working on figuring out why she resents you. I recommend the books Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs, both by Willard Harley. If your wife does have built up resentments, those sources may give you some ideas as to why.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TomTheTrain said:


> I am pretty much the same. I have not specifically gone thru her phone but she doesn't try to hide it from me and all the texts she gets are from people I know too. Thanks for the advice.
> So no one has anything other than she could be seeing someone else?


"Seeing someone else" is unfortunately a common reason. Unfortunately affairs in the workplace seem to be the most difficult for the betrayed spouse to discover, especially when they are only a daytime affair. I would want to rule out this possibility before investing a lot of time into fixing my relationship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TomTheTrain said:


> Thanks...LOL yeah she hates those!


Start masturbating regularly.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Don't look at the names. If she's cheating, she will use a fake or wrong name in the contact field to throw you off. It fooled me for a while too.

You have to dig deep and do it under the radar.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TomTheTrain said:


> I am pretty much the same. I have not specifically gone thru her phone but she doesn't try to hide it from me and all the texts she gets are from people I know too. Thanks for the advice.
> So no one has anything other than she could be seeing someone else?


Just cause the name is someone you know doesn't mean it IS from someone you know. You can name anyone you want in your contact list.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Look at the the call logs online.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Very suspicious that it all started once she rejoined the workforce. Even if she's not having an affair, it could be that she's more attracted to someone at work and is now looking at you as unworthy of her attention. With wives, often the object of affection is the boss. I would go into silent investigative mode, even going so far as to put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in her car if she drives to work. This might capture flirty conversations with a guy at work, or complaints she makes about you to her girlfriends.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

You might be over thinking this. When my wife went back to work full-time sex was the last thing she wanted because of coming home mentally exhausted. Also, women have tons of things going through there mind constantly so by adding a job, she's likely fretting about something at work a lot. In my case, the job stress killed her hormones and it wasn't until, she quit and then went on HRT did things get better of course now she wants to go back to work so I might be back in the same boat soon. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why does it have to be cheating to be a "real" problem?

"Look, this sexual incompatibility we have isn't working for me. I am willing to work on it with you...together. What I am unwilling to do is to continue as is. Let me know what you choose by x day (48 hours from this talk)."


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Have you told her that you didn't get married to be celibate. That by not having sex she is trying to hold power in the relationship....and that is wrong.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

vasectomies do not make a noticeable change in semen volume. 

Unless you are Peter North, the chances of your volume being problematic is zilch. It is not your volume that is the issue or is what is causing her to not engage in various sex acts, it is simply an excuse she is making up to avoid sex with you. 

Here is a simple break down of the things that will cause this change in sexual response to you -

- A medical/hormonal condition such as a change in medication or some kind of hormonal disorder. 

- a psychological disorder such as depression, an anxiety disorder etc.

- loss of sexual attraction to you, ie if you've gain weight, gotten lazy, stopped taking care of yourself, gotten slovenly, chronic unemployment, become passive or supplicating etc

- had some kind of significant relationship problem such as abuse, neglect, terrible fights etc.

- she is attracted to someone else or is having an actual affair. 

It is one of or a combination of two or more of those things. 

My initial guess it this is due to a loss of attraction. Be honest with yourself, have you let yourself go or gained a fair amount of weight or are not grooming and dressing as well as before? Have you gotten lazy or passive? 

Much of what you are writing could also be explained by an affair or an attraction to someone else. Do not for one second think that she "doesn't have enough time." If she is attracted to a coworker or her boss or something, that is daily contact. Actual physical trysts can take place in literally minutes. 

There are many warning signs here indicating the potential for her having an affair and we have all seen countless people with less red flags than you come back after looking through phone records, hacking computers or placing VARs in the car, come back and say that they did uncover an affair that had been taking place for a long time. 

Do not discount the possibility of an affair without doing a thorough, honest investigation. 

An honest investigation is looking up phone records, hacking into email accounts and social media accounts as well as installing keylogger programs to uncover secret email or social media accounts, thoroughly going through the house inch by inch like a CSI investigator and looking for things such as secret sexy underwear/lingerie, sex toys, burner cell phones, secret condoms/lube, hotel keys etc. Many affairs can quickly be uncovered by hiding a couple VARs in the subjects car and other places they may have private conversations. Having a trusted friend or relative she does not know follow her or hiring an actual PI is often very effective as well. 

An honest investigation is NOT simply asking her. If you ask her, she will say no and then will take the affair deeper underground and will work harder to cover her tracks. You want her clueless that you are suspicious. You want her to be careless. 

Start digging. This sounds very suspicious and as I said above, many people who have had much less red flags than this have turned out to be affairs.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*And then you could possibly “reap dividends” by placing a well-hidden, quality VAR up underneath her car seat!*


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## Where there's a will (Feb 10, 2014)

From what you have said I would take it forward on your terms. If she is having her attention taken by someone else its for her to deal with but you need to be mentally prepared for this, unlikely as it seems. For your part you have to lay down a pathway. Have a counsellor lined up and have the chat, you are then making the progress, you need deadlines and show resolve that she is choosing a path that will eventually terminate the marriage unless she is willing to be open about what is happening. No threays but a clear pathway.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

TomTheTrain said:


> She told me it's not all about me and that she doesn't have to touch me. She said maybe she did it too much in our past and if she hadn't I wouldn't be expecting it now. I just need to grow up and get over it.
> 
> Well at this stage *I'm finding it impossibly difficult not to resent her every waking moment.*


And that's how the downward spiral starts. You can't help but be resentful and eventually she'll use your detachment as a more convenient reason why she doesn't want to have sex. The detachment she created by not being willing to meet your needs in the first place.

Your wife owes you an apology for what she said to you. Her attitude is that she's doing you a favor by having sex with you and she's tired of doing you favors; so get over it. She might be cheating; that's what was happening when my wife last pulled the same shyte. So you should rule that out first. But if that's not it, and you feel this could be a deal breaker in your marriage, you need to have another sit down conversation with her. But make it short and final. Continuous complaining from you and having multiple back and forth arguments about sex will get you no where. It makes you look weak in her eyes and reduces her attraction for you.

Tell her sex is the number one need for a husband for most men (from the book His Needs - Her Needs) and you are not an exception. Ask her if there is a need of hers that you're not meeting. Ask her if she's willing to go to MC or get a medical checkup to resolve this. If she's willing, great. Work with her. If not, here's where you have to lay it on the line.

"Honey, I love you. But if you care anything about me or this marriage, you'll make an effort to meet my most important need. I can't control what you do but I can control what I accept from you."

Then, give her a week to respond. If she doesn't; implement the 180 to detach, separate yourself from your bedroom, and see an attorney to start the divorce process. Ultimately if she won't cooperate, that's your only option other than living in total frustration and resentment. You wouldn't be the first husband to divorce because of a sexless marriage.

Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Bubblehead said:


> *I like how everyone immediately jumps on an affair.* Have you ever worked a 12 to 14 hr day for a few weeks. Sex isnt easy after those kind of days. And, if you havent been in the workforce for a while, and return, things can be very stresfull.
> Stress causes many people to focus on repair vice something else. Sleep is a way to repair the mind and body after long crappy days at work.


I didn't insinuate that she was. But that is one of the major red flags for having an A, and I paid the price for ignoring that red flag for so long. He or anyone else would be foolish for not looking into that possibility first, to rule it out. Because if that is what the problem is, having infrequent sex with his wife is no longer the issue.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

If she hadn't been working outside the home for a long time I could well see that adjustment causing the problem. Up to you how long to tolerate the situation, but at some point an issue must be made. Repeatedly and loudly.

This quote:



> She told me it's not all about me and that she doesn't have to touch me. *She said maybe she did it too much in our past and if she hadn't I wouldn't be expecting it now. I just need to grow up and get over it. *


Is flat out BS:surprise:


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

TomTheTrain said:


> I am pretty much the same. I have not specifically gone thru her phone but she doesn't try to hide it from me and all the texts she gets are from people I know too. Thanks for the advice.
> So no one has anything other than she could be seeing someone else?


Might not be seeing someone else. 

With that said. Your wife is following a pretty well worn path traveled by other women that where at home then started working again. They find an escape from the everyday life when someone else starts paying attention to them. They get caught up in it until it consumes them. Then they cheat. 

You story about what has been going on between your wife and yourself has been written a 100 times on theses forums with the same result, a cheating wife. 

Sorry but this is the truth.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The thing is to sit down and talk it out. Leave sex out of the discussion. Ask what is up and what you can do to help. If she is vague about it end the talk and say we can continue the talk later. 

Stop harping on sex. Let this go for now you might have bigger problems. 

Check everything you can. If she is or is not having an affair, verify it one way or the other then have another talk with her.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to discreetly check if she is cheating. Unfortunately when sex dries up in a marriage barring a medically diagnosed health issue, then the possibility that the refuser is engaging in an affair should always be examined.

In regards her phone, a common cheater trick is to enter the Other Person's name under a female friend. Your first step should be to VAR her car. You should get a good insight if she is cheating or holding out resentment for you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Any chance she was never all that into sex? Maybe she baited and switched you to seal the deal, then she reverted back to her normal drive once you committed to her? Maybe she is just low drive and puts a low priority on sex? I mean, it's easy to find the energy to have sex when she's not working, around the house more, no job-related stress, etc. But now that she's out and about, there's more things she's placed on her list of priorities ahead of you.

Regarding her comment that she doesn't have to do anything for you - she's absolutely right. But that goes both ways - you don't have to do anything for her either. Tell her this, and that your chronic lack of attention from her is going to lead to you losing that loving feeling that motivates you to do the stuff SHE likes / want to spend time with her. (Note: if you don't do much for her - and you need to be honest with yourself - then you won't have any leverage with this argument and you need to up your game to be attractive to her or most other women.) Then ask her whether she seriously wants to play that game.

Taking a step back, what is your end game here? If you had to choose between preserving this marriage, or having good intimate experiences with your partner, which would it be? If you must maintain the marriage, then you need to let this drop and find some way to be happy with the little bit of sex you already get. My sense from her actions (especially telling you that she wishes you weren't so active earlier in your relationship) is that sex was never really a priority to her - not something she is willing to put effort into maintaining. To her, it's something that she will do pretty much when she's damn good and ready, and she expects you to work around that. If I'm right, then nothing you do will move the needle, so you'll be threatening your marriage for nothing.

If on the other hand having a good intimate life is a priority for you (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that) then tell her so. Make sure she knows this is a deal-breaker; it's not enough to like it - maintaining a frequent connection needs to be a priority. Offer to work with her on getting her willing to have sex to a level that meets your need. But stress that the goal will be a good sex life for you - not learning how to tolerate your situation.

At the end of the day, the worst thing you can do is beat your head against the wall trying to have that good sex life with your wife. If the marriage matters more, find a way to make yourself happy and move on. If not, then throw down your gambit, pay attention to her actions (which will tell you quickly whether she's on board) and act accordingly. Either way, don't be stuck where you are now.

Lastly, if you doubt whether you can have that sex life with anyone, don't despair. Sometimes just the failure to get our needs met lowers our self esteem, and sometimes our women intentionally try to lower it for us. But, understand that if you're a reasonably together guy (aren't a slob, have a decent job, have manners and a certain level of polish) you'll find someone who will lovingly meet that need. Decent single, relationship-minded men just aren't abundant.

On a personal note, my ex tried to convince me that my needs were way out of line, I should be happy for whatever I got, if I wasn't happy with my sex life it was my fault, and really felt that she could replace me easily so she did not bother to work on herself. Turns out her leaving me was one of the best things that every happened to me. I have more and better sex with my cute, younger girlfriend (whom I only see every other week) than I ever did with my ex; and time and distance has made it clear that my ex was the one of the bottom two partners I've ever had.

So, if you need a success story, there it is. Best of luck to you no matter which path you take.



TomTheTrain said:


> All of my 'issues' started last fall when my wife started working again. Before that, she didn't work very much and she was mostly at home. We would have sex around 3-4 times a week, pretty much since we've been together. When she started working again, the frequency starting dropping off. I noticed she was tired a lot and that seemed to be the reason. The frequency has continued to slow down to 1-2x a month if I am lucky. I have talked to her about this and she insists that it's her and not me. Says she is still attracted to me and 'likes' doing stuff with me. It is becoming increasingly hard to believe her. I think if that is true, then she would do things with me. I am attracted to her and I want to do things with her.
> 
> What could be a wrinkle in the story is I had a vasectomy. It went fine and we did enjoy sex carefree for quite a while. However I have a side-effect. I ejaculate a lot. If it's been more than a day it seems to still be a lot. 2 weeks, a ton. She vocally complains each and every time. There is not much I can do about it. She refuses to let me pull out so it's not 'coming out of her the whole next day.' It's also been over a year since she's given me oral...and half a year for a handjob and she basically doesn't touch me at all.
> 
> ...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

This exactly!

The only thing I would add (and only if she brings it up) is to clarify that your needs are just as important as hers, and sex is not a baser / less valid need than others.



badmemory said:


> And that's how the downward spiral starts. You can't help but be resentful and eventually she'll use your detachment as a more convenient reason why she doesn't want to have sex. The detachment she created by not being willing to meet your needs in the first place.
> 
> Your wife owes you an apology for what she said to you. Her attitude is that she's doing you a favor by having sex with you and she's tired of doing you favors; so get over it. She might be cheating; that's what was happening when my wife last pulled the same shyte. So you should rule that out first. But if that's not it, and you feel this could be a deal breaker in your marriage, you need to have another sit down conversation with her. But make it short and final. Continuous complaining from you and having multiple back and forth arguments about sex will get you no where. It makes you look weak in her eyes and reduces her attraction for you.
> 
> ...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I am going to call B.S. on this. Yes I have had that level of stress. I had a demanding professional job, long commute, did most of the work around my house, and was the one responsible for managing my child's myriad of health problems. Nonetheless, when my ex showed a flash of interest in sex I was on it.

Another example: my GF is raising two little kids pretty much on her own; her ex is a Disneyland dad - sees the kids every other weekend; when that weekend comes, she rolls down to my place and we enjoy our QT. And she's not like "I'm tired, I want to sleep, I'm so stressed"; it's "hey, I've been waiting for our alone time".

The point is that if sex and/or the relationship (your happiness) is important to her, she'll make the time. In an extreme case, she might have to set some boundaries at the office or you might have to reorganize your lives a bit (shed other responsibilities, free up time somehow). But she'd get it done.



Bubblehead said:


> I like how everyone immediately jumps on an affair. Have you ever worked a 12 to 14 hr day for a few weeks. Sex isnt easy after those kind of days. And, if you havent been in the workforce for a while, and return, things can be very stresfull.
> Stress causes many people to focus on repair vice something else. Sleep is a way to repair the mind and body after long crappy days at work.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

TomTheTrain said:


> All of my 'issues' started last fall when my wife started working again. Before that, she didn't work very much and she was mostly at home. We would have sex around 3-4 times a week, pretty much since we've been together. When she started working again, the frequency starting dropping off. I noticed she was tired a lot and that seemed to be the reason. The frequency has continued to slow down to 1-2x a month if I am lucky. I have talked to her about this and she insists that it's her and not me. Says she is still attracted to me and 'likes' doing stuff with me. It is becoming increasingly hard to believe her. I think if that is true, then she would do things with me. I am attracted to her and I want to do things with her.
> 
> What could be a wrinkle in the story is I had a vasectomy. It went fine and we did enjoy sex carefree for quite a while. However I have a side-effect. I ejaculate a lot. If it's been more than a day it seems to still be a lot. 2 weeks, a ton. She vocally complains each and every time. There is not much I can do about it. She refuses to let me pull out so it's not 'coming out of her the whole next day.' It's also been over a year since she's given me oral...and half a year for a handjob and she basically doesn't touch me at all.
> 
> ...




- When your wife was at home a lot, sex 3x to 4x week. Awesome.

- She starts working and now its only 1x to 2x month or less......red flag.

- You got a vasectomy for her, so no birth control is needed. Awesome.

- She still complains you have a lot of ejaculate and still doesn't want sex.......red flag.

- Now she even wants you to wear a condom? red flag.


The couples I know were the hubby had a vasectomy and the wife is off birth control, have a lot of wild sex with no inhibitions. No birth control side effects and chance of pregnancy = lots of sex.

"Is she having an affair at work?"


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DTO said:


> I am going to call B.S. on this. Yes I have had that level of stress. I had a demanding professional job, long commute, did most of the work around my house, and was the one responsible for managing my child's myriad of health problems. Nonetheless, when my ex showed a flash of interest in sex I was on it.
> 
> Another example: my GF is raising two little kids pretty much on her own; her ex is a Disneyland dad - sees the kids every other weekend; when that weekend comes, she rolls down to my place and we enjoy our QT. And she's not like "I'm tired, I want to sleep, I'm so stressed"; it's "hey, I've been waiting for our alone time".
> 
> The point is that if sex and/or the relationship (your happiness) is important to her, she'll make the time. In an extreme case, she might have to set some boundaries at the office or you might have to reorganize your lives a bit (shed other responsibilities, free up time somehow). But she'd get it done.


Of course you'll call bs your a man the wind blows and BAM ready for sex. But most women are wired differently, we have trouble letting go of stress and turning off our brains.

I don't know if this has a solution for the OP because I think other things maybe wrong as well. Have you tried a mini vacation & did that bring sex back?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Bubblehead said:


> Everyones body and stamina are wired differently. I will agree to disagree.


Undoubtedly true, but I'm not sure the stress she's under are so overwhelming that sex is truly not possible for her.

Let's assume, though, that she is at the breaking point where she cannot keep up with the other stuff in her life (including meeting his needs). My question would then be what is she doing to re-prioritize her life so that she DOES have some free time and energy for him? Does she literally just go to work, come home and tend to the kids (if any, I don't recall), and sleep? If not, what else can be reprioritized? If so, what is her career plan to not be in this situation?

Bubblehead, I don't dispute that life throws curveballs and sometimes we have to accept certain life circumstances (at least in the short term). But, in the long-term, what's important makes it's way to the top, and you'll see the adjustments along the way.

The OP is just not important now, and there are no signs that he will be in the foreseeable future (if you think I've missed something, show me where). When his wife tells him "I do like it", and "I don't have to do anything with you", she is not being completely honest. The unspoken truth probably is "sex has never been a priority and I'm a career woman now"; he is not told this because she sees value in him being around and wants him to have hope, IMO.

I am simply advising the OP to figure out what he wants, and go get it. He is beating his head against a wall and the resentment is building. A much more productive process would be to own his needs and go to her directly. "Wife, the lack of sex is making me very unhappy and the marriage is in danger. You are entitled to your priorities, but if you want me around then I need to understand what your plan is for reprioritizing and getting me higher on that list." Basically, break the current status quo and drive her to a decision point - him or her job, friends, etc.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

anastasia6 said:


> Of course you'll call bs your a man the wind blows and BAM ready for sex. But most women are wired differently, we have trouble letting go of stress and turning off our brains.


Did you miss the point where I said that my GF manages to do it quite readily also? She understands that she has a hard time letting go also, but is mindful of it and makes a conscious effort to let herself get into a loving mood. Honestly, I think that is the way committed relationships ought to be.

I've dated/pursued a few women (~10) since my divorce, and most had life challenges (custody of kids, demanding jobs, extended family responsibilities). Those who were interested put that aside and stayed engaged with me, and most of the others made it clear their priorities lay elsewhere. They did not use the cop-out of "I'd love to but I can't right now" and I don't believe that I lucked into a succession of women who deviate substantially from the norm.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP Never, I mean ever, agree to a ladies night out or night out with the people from work.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read the opening post again.
What she is saying doing is showing be her actions and what she is saying, some of which is very cruel, is the equivalent of saying she loves you but she is no Longer in love with you. This is another huge red flag from the cheaters hand book. However, cheating or not she has literally told you she still “likes” you and likes to do things with you as long as she doesn’t have to touch you.

Have you gained weight? Have you let yourself go?

There are several humongous red flags from the cheaters hand book that she is displaying. 
New job
Rare sex
No touching
Things she used to do sexually that have totally stopped.
The I love you but not n love with you speech directly implied.

She’s right she doesn’t have to touch you and you don’t have to tolerate her actions. She may not be cheating but she isn’t willing to do anything to improve things so what’s the difference if she is not being a wife to you or not. No matter what she says anyway, her actions are as clear as can be.

Down load and read the book MARRIED MAN SEX LFE PRIMER. That’s the go to book in this situation. It offers you a plan to go by but makes it clear that if the plan doesn’t work it’s time to move on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, while you need to read the MMSLP book at the same time you need to look up the evidence gathering thread to assure yourself she is not cheating.
Do you have kids?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, while you need to read the MMSLP book at the same time you need to look up the evidence gathering thread to assure yourself she is not cheating.
> Do you have kids?


Making an honest investigation into the possibility of an affair is an integral part of the MMSL algorithm. 

Attraction/involvement with OM is one of the most common causes of loss of attraction to a husband.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Making an honest investigation into the possibility of an affair is an integral part of the MMSL algorithm.
> 
> Attraction/involvement with OM is one of the most common causes of loss of attraction to a husband.


Or, possibly an OW. My xw almost certainly had an ea/pa with a woman years ago, and during the last year of our marriage through the divorce she had an unusual relationship with another woman.

When doing due diligence investigation into a possible affair, one should not dismiss the possibility of a same-sex affair.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Thor said:


> Or, possibly an OW. My xw almost certainly had an ea/pa with a woman years ago, and during the last year of our marriage through the divorce she had an unusual relationship with another woman.
> 
> When doing due diligence investigation into a possible affair, one should not dismiss the possibility of a same-sex affair.


True.

If fact I believe Athol Kay actually uses the term "outside source of sexuality" or something like that which would also encompass porn, crush on boss/coworker etc even if there was no actual PA.

I was simply applying the horses vs zebras concept.


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## davep1128 (Oct 3, 2017)

I’m going through something similar except neither one of us work. I’ve been hinting and attempting and still can’t. She tells me, it’s in the moment. I can’t find that moment because I try to find things to do so that she doesn’t think I’m a bum. Don’t know what to do next. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Enen (Dec 25, 2017)

I am really sorry to hear this. I lost my wife's interest 2 years ago and ignored it. Now I'm so utterly unhappy because she moved on with a friend of 37 years.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TomTheTrain said:


> Thanks...I have read it can be normal with that procedure so I wasn't really worried about it (from my perspective). There are no red flags at all, IMO. When I'm not with her* she's at work *or at home with the kids so I don't see that being the case (not saying it's impossible).


If you spend any time reading here you'll see many cases of affairs happening at the workplace so don't dismiss it out of hand.


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

BTW, the complete lack of interest in you sexually IS a red flag. You must investigate her activities thoroughly. If she comes up clean, at that point you must make it absolutely clear that infidelity in any form is a deal breaker for you. You should also make it clear to her that as married adults you are entitled to a healthy and frequent sex life. She must know you are fully aware that the death of sex in a marriage usually leads to the death of the marriage itself. Ask her if she is willing to face the consequences of that future. You must be assertive in your dialogue. Do not beg. The most potent aphrodisiac is self-confidence, and that quality is contingent upon self-respect. Still, your story contains an outstanding prerequisite for marital infidelity. I pray that I do not see you posting on the "Coping with Infidelity" forum in the future. I would suggest you peruse that forum thoroughly. There are a number of tales that begin precisely in the same manner as your own. If she is not cheating, the forum will provide you with valuable tools to prevent that possible eventuality.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

What you're experiencing is disdain. She's repulsed by you, your body fluids, everything to do with you. As everyone else pointed out: time to start snooping. It COULD be something less dramatic but more broad in scope... like she just lost respect for you. Is her new job paying her more than you make? Is she around a lot of high-paid men and women who drive nicer cars, talk about vacations to far-away lands and wear the best clothes? Are her coworkers a lot of go-getter high-energy types? 

I've heard from more than one man who had a wife who got promoted or took on a new job and it put them in a whole new, more upscale environment... and suddenly their comfortable awesomely sweet husband now looks boring at best, like a complete loser at worst. 

Next step is more late work nights with coworkers. More nights out for drinks and such. Then the inevitable affair. The "I think we just need time apart" talk. 

If she doesn't respect you, she's not F'ing you.


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## xitinglife (Jun 25, 2017)

TomTheTrain said:


> All of my 'issues' started last fall when my wife started working again. Before that, she didn't work very much and she was mostly at home. We would have sex around 3-4 times a week, pretty much since we've been together. When she started working again, the frequency starting dropping off. I noticed she was tired a lot and that seemed to be the reason. The frequency has continued to slow down to 1-2x a month if I am lucky. I have talked to her about this and she insists that it's her and not me. Says she is still attracted to me and 'likes' doing stuff with me. It is becoming increasingly hard to believe her. I think if that is true, then she would do things with me. I am attracted to her and I want to do things with her.
> 
> What could be a wrinkle in the story is I had a vasectomy. It went fine and we did enjoy sex carefree for quite a while. However I have a side-effect. I ejaculate a lot. If it's been more than a day it seems to still be a lot. 2 weeks, a ton. She vocally complains each and every time. There is not much I can do about it. She refuses to let me pull out so it's not 'coming out of her the whole next day.' It's also been over a year since she's given me oral...and half a year for a handjob and she basically doesn't touch me at all.
> 
> ...


A lot of people have mentioned the physical, active act of cheating. This would be my prime suspicion, too. Arguments like "when she isn't with me, she is either at work or home with kinds" don't sound convincing to me. One thing I am not particularly proud of in my life is being the man with whom a married woman with kids cheated on her husband (this was before I was married). I've seen so much of it, and have been amazing so many times by how masterfully she played it with her husband, that I find it hard to brush off any suspicion without a proper investigation. 

Now, assuming your wife isn't actively cheating on you by physically being with someone, there is nothing that I've read in your post, or your replies, that precludes her having the hots for someone else and as a result (or as an initial cause perhaps) developing resentment for you. This would be the first question I'd ask myself and later her: has she developed resentment? If so, why, and what is the potential better candidate for her? Is she constantly comparing you to someone else? 

You're in a sexless marriage, bud. Don't take BS like "I have spoiled you with the frequency we've had sex with before." That's just BS! Is she implying that even before she only did it out of some sort of obligation? 

Now, sex deprivation can really take toll on a man. It will show in your behavior, your actions, etc. The last thing you want is to look weak in any way. If reasoning with her logically does not work, I would suggest getting involved with something that will keep your mind off of it, and will allow you to investigate the situation with a cool head (also start taking better care of yourself -- go to the gym, start running, start going to a hair stylist every two weeks, go out some evenings with your friends -- or at least pretend to -- and so on). Sounds cheesy and banal, immature even, but sometimes the most basic, instinctual thing to do is the right thing to do. Let it go, and see if she starts taking first steps towards intimacy. If she doesn't, then ... well, there is your second red flag. 

Now assuming she isn't cheating (or potentially cheating), it doesn't make things right anyway. Sexless marriage is not right, period. 

Whatever you do, you want to avoid accusing her of anything that you do not have hard proof of. Good luck!


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