# Scared and confused



## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

Hello all. Been married to my wife for 16 yrs. been together for 21. Thought we had a good marriage. Been thru the standard ruts as most. We went on a family vacation a month ago and thought everything was good. Two weeks ago my wife would not say I love you anymore. This is something that never has been done in our relationship before. We had always said I love hoe when we departed no matter our personal mood at the time.

I am currently working nights now. Last friday night I was leaving for work. Said my goodnight. I love you. No response.. Called her on the way in and told her it was not fair giving me the cold shoulder etc. she responded to me that she did not know what to say. That she did not have feelings for me any longer. Was a very long ride home..

Since last Friday I had a few discussions with her. Expressed how much I love her and realized all my flaws. One being the lack of ability to complement. Realized how much we forgot to spend time with each other and not just the kids whom are 13 and 10. We never really have had any big fights. We have had a few disagreements but nothing to speak of. We NEVER yell or curse at each other.

Really confused and lonely. Do not know which route to go. Can not get any information from her. We are living life cordially as usual but my anxiety is getting the best of me. Hard for me to not break down at times. I love my wife with all my heart. There were sometimes I wondered what life would be with out her at times as I am sure everyone has done from time to time.

My question would be how to get my wife to love me again? How do I ask her the right way to accompany me to MC. I asked her already if we could work on our marriage. The only thing I got was she did not know how to fall back in love and that she could not promise anything.

Failed to mention that she said she has been off and on with this feeling for a few years now. She never had given me any signs of this. She also keeps everything bottled up and I believed has not talked with anyone about her feelings. She is a very carrying individual who does everything for everyone yet never asks for help herself.

I love my wife will all my heart. There is no one else I would love to spend the rest of my life with. I know things might not work for us. Would not want to spend the rest of our life's miserable. I only want the best for her. I know if she asks, I have to let her go. Just don't know how to get her to try to work things out. We have never been to MC before.

Lost and lonely.


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Well, I'm no marriage expert by any means(just read my posts about mine), BUT, I do know the human psyche well so I can recommend one thing that will work in the short term.

One of you goes and stays with a family member for about 3 weeks. My reasons for saying this: 1. For as fed up with my husband as I am....he has been gone for work for the last 3 weeks. For as mad at him and frustrated as I am, at about the 3wk point, I started to miss him and began to recall the reasons why I originally fell in love with him. At about the 1 & 2 wk period of him being gone, I actually enjoyed it(I feel guilty for saying that). 2. The other reason I recommend this, is because I was married before, for 12yrs and had a hard time getting my husband to divorce me. He was evil about it. But, after I finally moved out, at about the 3wk point, he kept trying to contact me and begged me to come back. 3wks made him go from evil to sweet. Crazy. Anyway, I then had about a 2yr period where I was back on the dating scene. If I could tell that the person I was dating was a player and wasn't looking for a long term relationship ever, I broke it off and moved on. Every single time, this resulted in the guy trying to beg me to come back, commit, and actually resulted in a couple marriage proposals. Crazy(no, I didn't go back to them). But...it all falls along the same lines of thinking that happens to millions of people. As humans, we unconsciously all begin to take the people closest to us for granted at some point. AND, we all need our space to grow as individuals-especially in relationships as long as yours. So...a 3wk break would break this cycle of thinking. Then, at the 3wk point, start "dating" her again. Find out what she dreams of. What she wants, how her idyllic life vision has changed from when you first met her. Then make plans together to follow these new dreams. Somewhere along the way, children and life probably just got in the way of you two connecting and keeping in sync with how the other person was growing as an individual. I say this because the fact that you stated you no longer fight about anything, kinda means you both quit really communicating and are "just getting along". Hope I gave you some ideas to get the spark back.


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## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

Tufluv said:


> Somewhere along the way, children and life probably just got in the way of you two connecting and keeping in sync with how the other person was growing as an individual. I say this because the fact that you stated you no longer fight about anything, kinda means you both quit really communicating and are "just getting along". Hope I gave you some ideas to get the spark back.


Much appreciate the time to comment. Seems like a good idea to leave for a few weeks. Although I am scared that it might push her farther away. Reflecting back the past week I realized we had not spent any time with each other as the kids always came first. 

The one thing I must correct is that we never really fight. We have disagreements but nothing that has been rage, yelling, or cursing. This has always been the case in our marriage.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Lostonli.

If I may ask, what are your ages and the age of your children? If you have any.

thx.


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## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

Both of us are 43. We have two daughters whom are 13 and 10


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## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

One other thing I would like to mention is that this ordeal has been very rough on me physically and emotionally. I have lost almost 12 pounds the past week. All I want to do is hold my wife. Kiss her and holder. I know she is detached right now. Is it best to bite the bullet and leave her alone or try to hug her every now and then. I must mention that it has always been apart of our relationship with us and our kids to hug and say "I love you" this hurt so much!


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Lostonli said:


> Seems like a good idea to leave for a few weeks. Although I am scared that it might push her farther away.


Just make sure that you let her know the plan so that she doesn't think you are leaving her. LOL, Kinda forgot to mention that. That could really backfire. Let her know that the purpose is so that you can both have time to reflect, regroup, reconnect and grow.


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Lostonli said:


> One other thing I would like to mention is that this ordeal has been very rough on me physically and emotionally. I have lost almost 12 pounds the past week. All I want to do is hold my wife. Kiss her and holder. I know she is detached right now. Is it best to bite the bullet and leave her alone or try to hug her every now and then. I must mention that it has always been apart of our relationship with us and our kids to hug and say "I love you" this hurt so much!


I am sorry that you are hurting so much. Yes, if she is detached, leave her alone. My husband is very affectionate and when I was considering leaving, this just pushed me away further. But after 3wks, we had a date for last night and for the first time in a couple of years, I was actually looking forward to it. Got dolled up like I did when we first began dating. It ended up getting cancelled because he found he had to work out of state for another week. 

Don't fret. We are creatures of habit. A marriage that long doesn't just dissolve. Sometimes it may feel like we want it to, but it is really hard to live without it once we try. This is only temporary. She is struggling with something internally. Give her time and she will let you know.


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## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

Tufluv said:


> Just make sure that you let her know the plan so that she doesn't think you are leaving her. LOL, Kinda forgot to mention that. That could really backfire. Let her know that the purpose is so that you can both have time to reflect, regroup, reconnect and grow.


Do we not have contact. Or keep an open dialog? What about my children?


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## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

Tufluv said:


> Just make sure that you let her know the plan so that she doesn't think you are leaving her. LOL, Kinda forgot to mention that. That could really backfire. Let her know that the purpose is so that you can both have time to reflect, regroup, reconnect and grow.


Do we not have contact. Or keep an open dialog? What about my children?


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Lostonli said:


> Do we not have contact. Or keep an open dialog? What about my children?


No contact. The phone calls or text won't be anymore heartfelt than they currently are. It's the old saying that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" Memories are what it brings back. Contact just undoes that. Unfortunately, it may be best to tell the children that you have to be out of town for job training or something. No use making them feel insecure or worried. As long as you and your wife stick to the same story with them.


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## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

Appreciate the time. Will be going to MC this week for myself. Also I am going to start going back to the gym. The part that makes this the worst is I never saw it coming. Wish we spent more time together. Lots of what ifs. And hold a lot of it on my part. Always had a hard time showing my emotions. Telling her how beautiful she is. She us a great mom and wife. I know my flaws now. Just need to fix em..


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Did this transformation of hers happen overnight, or did it evolve over time?

It's possible that she is simply "worn out" from what she sees as a passionless marriage...

...or it's possible that there is something far more sinister going on.


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## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostonli (Sep 29, 2013)

Has not been overnight. It has been both our faults about not spending time with each other. She claims that she has felt off and on for the past few years. We made a decision last night. I am moving out for a few weeks so we can both regroup. Me being in the house is not helping either one of us. Both of is have lost substantial weight. Hoping this was a good decision on my part. My anxiety being in the house, I am sure is not helping the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Not to be offensive to you or your wife but have you ruled out somebody else being in the picture?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You indicate that your anxiety is sabotaging your relationship. How you get a handle on this is essential. Will you continue to say "I love you" to her? If yes, why? If no, when Will it be time to resume declarations of affection?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I dont think you have mentioned what your wife does. Does she work. You working nights seems to have triggered this.

You repeat often that you never have fights. This could also be the reason. Although it sounds illogical some marriages thrive on them. This can only mean that one of you always gives in. I would think it is you.

Maybe a good fight is what you really need. You may have to stand up for yourself more. I dont think MC will ever advise this and also dont think you will gain much from them. Who decides about the kids. I doubt it is you.

I would not suggest separation unless you know what is wrong. You clearly dont at the moment. 

You say you cant get any information from her. This is typical. A good argument and fight would bring it out. She doesnt want to hurt you but at the same time if she gave you information and you would act on it she also doesnt want you to come back and say look I acted on it now let us be 'friends' again.

I can quite understand you worrying about it. No one likes to live in a limbo state. You even entitle your post scared. How do you get on with your kids. Whom do they like better you or their mum. 

One cant force love and women can be very difficult to please. Not that thats very helpful to you. In your circumstances I do think she will come round although perhaps not 'all the way' that you would want. 

You must give her some time. And in the meantime not 'force' your love on her or even talk about it. You dont mention divorce in your post so I gather she hasnt mentioned it yet either. You also shouldnt. Saying I love you too often what you mention usually has the opposite effect. Although I am sure you mean it sincerely. 

She will at some time come round to discuss the future with you. Wait for her to do this. Listen to what she has to say and reply you will think about it. She is holding the cards at the moment.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The first thing you need to do is rule out a third party. Google cheating red flags and see how many are there. 

For example the love you but not in love you speech, change in sex life, passwords on computer, ohone etc., carrying cell phone all the time.

Read Noahs thread. But usually separation leads to divorce about 80% of the time.


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