# No sex drive in 39 year old husband



## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

Hi All

I'm grateful to have found this site. :smthumbup:

I have been married for 9 years to my husband and for the past 5 years, at least, his sex drive has gone from normal to almost nil.

I chocked it up to being recently sober and taking suboxone (2007) - as loss of libido is a large side effect, but now he is on such a low dose that it shouldn't be a concern now.

It has gotten to the point that I am angry and resentful towards him. To me, there is no reason for him to not want to have sex with me. 

I am a very sexual person. I have a high sex drive that is not being satisfied 

I was hoping to have sex on my birthday in January. Nope.

None on Valentine's Day, either.

I gave him a nice birthday romp on June 29th....he got off. I figured he would "return" the favor later. Nope.

Our anniversary was July 4th - no sex then, either.

I have tried everything. I have hinted, asked, suggested, begged, pleaded - nothing. He always has an excuse to not have sex with me and honestly I'm really getting to the point of just saying "eff it" and divorcing him.

He just isn't interested in sex. I hate that. I feel so lost and unloved and unwanted. And yes, I've told him that - yet he still doesn't have sex with me.:scratchhead:

Is there a point where I just give up?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Even though he is now on a low dose it could still be affecting him. He needs to discuss it with his doctor. Or you could discuss it with a doctor of yours and at least ask if its possible. 

You say there is no reason for him to not want sex. Well....actually, unless you are in his brain and know this 100%, then, its probably best to not say there is no reason. Chances are if its nothing medical and not his medicine then maybe in his mind there is a reason. And yes, he needs to share with you what that reason might be if that is the case.


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## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks Jamison. 

I've tried asking him. He always has one excuse or another. 

The kids are around. He's tired from working. I went to bed too early....

Even if I've tried to initiate, he gives off strong signals that it isn't going to happen so I just don't even try anymore...


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## klarson27 (Apr 11, 2012)

My wife and I were in a similar situation.. I had been addicted to porn for quite a long time and was using it instead of seeking sexual satisfaction from her. She started to hang out with a troubled wife who openly admitted cheating on her husband which got me thinking of the possibility of her cheating on me... They were out one night until 3:00 AM together and during that night I couldn't sleep.. I was convinced they were out partying with guys and had a serious look at the situation.

I haven't been hooked on porn since. something about that possibility shocked my system in to only seeking her for sexual pleasure.. We started having sex twice a day for the next several weeks.. It's since tapered down to a couple times a week, but we're both happy with it.

My point is... Find a way to demonstrate your sexuality in a way that he'd find irresistible and also ignite some insecurity in him that may spark new found sex drive in him and possibly refresh your marriage..


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## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

Hi klarson -

I am not sure how much more I can do

I have tried sexy talk, sexting - sending him dirty pix of me during the day, I've purchased a new toy that he said that he "couldn't wait" to use with me. It's still in the box. 

I don't think he is satisfying himself and I know he's not having an affair. When he's not at work, he's home on the couch watching tv.

He puts more effort into watching television 

He is bi-polar and is on medication - and gets evaluated annually for that.

I am just at a loss.

I appreciate your response. I am happy that your relationship has turned around!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Another possible issue could be low testosterone

Have his Dr check his levels


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I would work to start trying to eliminate possibilities - and the first would be physical. He should go to the doctor for a check-up and discuss this and his medication. If there's a physical issue that's blocking his drive, then that would need to be resolved first.

You'll also have to look at whether there are other emotional or relational issues that are having a negative impact.

You should work first to see if you can pinpoint what may be the cause before you throw in the towel.

Best wishes.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dorothy_Zbornak said:


> He puts more effort into watching television


Translation: He isn't going to change. Doesn't want to change. Isn't interested in change. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. His life is working just fine as it is. His needs ARE being met.

The million dollar question is what are YOU going to do about it?


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Translation: He isn't going to change. Doesn't want to change. Isn't interested in change. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. His life is working just fine as it is. His needs ARE being met.
> 
> The million dollar question is what are YOU going to do about it?


^^This.

If he isn't interested in changing, or meeting you in the middle, none of the advice you get here will matter much.

If he is willing to work with you:

1.) Get him to a doctor for a physical work-up, blood tests, etc., to see if he has a legitimate medical issue. He might have low testosterone, or some other underlying physical problem. He might be having trouble with his meds, or he may just be depressed. You need input from a doctor to figure this out.

2.) Barring any obvious medical problem, go see a marriage counselor who has credentials in sex therapy. If he refuses to go with you, then go by yourself, and continue to urge him to go. If he just won't go, that's another strong signal that he just isn't willing to work on the relationship.

3.) Get him up off the couch, and doing something physically active. If he is depressed, this should help, and getting his blood flowing should help his libido as well.

If he is not willing to do anything about it, my advice would be to take some time, and work on yourself, make yourself feel good about what you are doing and see if he reacts positively to this. If he doesn't I would strongly consider ending the relationship.


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## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses!

Enchantment, he just had his annual physical and besides having to lose weight (doc says 30 lbs) -everything else checked out ok. He didn't have his testosterone levels checked.

He did ask the doc for viagra but he was denied. Doc said to lose the weight and he wouldn't need the viagra. 

Toffer - I am going to ask hubs to have his levels checked. I assume its a blood test - right? 

Mavash - thank you for throwing it back in my corner. :smthumbup: I have been trying to be accommodating to him through this whole thing.

With the addiction/using - I saw him through all of it and encouraged him. He is now 5 years clean and sober.

With the depression, I stay gainfully employed to provide the insurance to give him access to the best doctors to treat him. I also encourage him here, too.

With the weight gain - I gained weight too :rofl: so we are working together to get the weight off.

The couch surfing that he does, for the most part I allow since he works outside (contractor) and in this heat, I wouldn't expect him to have much energy during the week to perform. So I let it slide.

Right now I'm thinking of writing him a letter and just giving him my feelings and asking HIM to show me that he is dedicated to the relationship. I want HIM to go make the appointment with his doctor. I want HIM to make the appointment with the therapist. 

If he shows me that little bit that he wants to help make it work- then we have a chance.

We were in counseling back when he was using and he was a very active participant. We had a wonderful therapist who saved our marriage. I have no doubt that he will want to go again.

Keeper - I hope and pray he wants to make it work. I am a relatively easy keep. I just desire and crave the physical part of marriage.... I want him to be the same.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like depression to me. It seems he has lost interest in a lot of things other than TV and the channel surfing is probably from boredom. 

Have all levels checked. Maybe his medication needs adjusting? Or maybe a switch of meds is needed.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

The most common reason for men to have "no drive" is they are masturbating to porn. Most men use porn and some men are fine with it while others get caught up in today's escalating and more extreme porn.

And men also sometimes get erectile problems when they are using porn. And so they fear not being able to stay hard with you and they make excuses.

This not 100% true but it is true more often than not when the man says "no" and turns you down. More often than not.


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## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

How would I know if he was using porn? Is there something I could look at on the computer? 

I did notice that there is no history on the computer - that is probably a huge sign, right? 

I never see him on the laptop - but he could go on after I've gone to bed.....

Any suggestions? Should I just flat out ask him?


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Dorothy_Zbornak said:


> How would I know if he was using porn? Is there something I could look at on the computer?
> 
> I did notice that there is no history on the computer - that is probably a huge sign, right?
> 
> ...


Yes it's a huge sign. Why remove the history on the browsing sessions unless he is hiding something?

He is probably masturbating to porn when you are asleep or out of the house.

And while to me, that's his business if he wants to do that, it affects you if he claims that he has no sex drive and he really does have a sex drive.

Remember this, though. He may be *afraid* of real sex because he thinks his equipment won't perform.

Porn can often result in erectile dysfunction. A guy senses that he won't get hard.

Plus, porn affects our brain chemistry and we lack interest in our partner. We just can't wait to get back to the endless parade of novel partners on the two D screen.

You've hit on a HUGE problem today that is not being acknowledged in the media at all. It affects so many marriages.

So, what to do? Well you could ask him. He might lie or he might tell the truth.

There is a great website on this that he can go to and learn about, YourBrainOnPorn.com, which is completely non-commercial and has videos that explain how porn is affecting him and what to do about it.


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## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

Hmmmm....Ok then. I will have to tread lightly on this then. 

I have no opposition to porn or masturbation - he knows this. Back in the day we were known to move beds across the room ;-)

I wonder if he is truly addicted to porn and erases the history to hide the "evidence" from me. 

Isn't there some sort of keylogging device I can download to look into that?

It does affect me and I wish he would be honest with me because rejecting me is personal....


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## klarson27 (Apr 11, 2012)

Yeah... that's certainly a huge sign.. If he's addicted to porn you've got to have him kill it.. If you've gained weight then start going to a gym and working out. He'll see the change and more than likely that could kick start him to get off the couch, especially if other guys start showing interest.

I used to use porn after my wife went to sleep too.


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## klarson27 (Apr 11, 2012)

I should also mention, that I'll need to see the pics you sent him of you in order to evaluate (sorry couldn't resist). My wife won't do that


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## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

klarson - I have joined the gym and weight watchers. Honestly I've put on 30 lbs but it's all over, so I'm very curvy. He says he prefers me this way but I prefer a lot less of me 

If we were both single, I'd share the naughty pix with you. :smthumbup: I'm sorry your wife doesn't indulge you. I think it is super hot - but Dh isn't responding.

I found out how to stop the history from being deleted on the computer - so hopefully that will help over the next few days.

Dh didn't work today and I'm *this* close to bringing up the sex talk again.....


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## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

Ok a little positive note this morning. I wore a pair of jeans that were pretty snug and the Mr grabbed my bottom and was all interested! :smthumbup:

I then sent him a pic of the nekkid behind in a thong and told him to have a nice day at work.

He wrote back that he would like to do naughty things to me

He said that he promised - so we will see! 

Crossing fingers!!!


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## klarson27 (Apr 11, 2012)

That is a great sign!

It's strange how things work like that.. It's almost as if the vibe is out there that you're being extra sexual and he's picking up on it??

I was thinking about it more and if his sex drive tapers off again then you could try something like actually pleasuring yourself right in front of him! It's crazy and should drive him wild.. If it doesn't, it would at least turn you on wouldn't it?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Is watching porn and masturbating a lot?


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## klarson27 (Apr 11, 2012)

Did he end up delivering on his promise?


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## Dorothy_Zbornak (Jul 18, 2012)

Sorry - I'm back now. He did not end up delivering on his promise and I was fresh all weekend. Sarcastic fresh.

We are renovating our home so when he said to his brother "yeah the tile still needs to be laid."

I said "So does your wife." 

And he said "you do that to me every single, time."

I said "I'm hoping that one time you'll GET IT!" :scratchhead:

Nope.

We worked on the house and then we took our kids to the local fair. He was very affectionate so when he wrapped his arms around my waist I said "I wish you would do that more."

And he finally said it - he said "I know. I know. Where we live now is so stressful. We have zero privacy and I promise things will change when we move into the new house. We will have a room with a locking door and we won't have family dropping in every 5 minutes unannounced."

We currently live in the in-law suite of MIL's house.

So here's crossing my fingers that things will improve in a few weeks....right? :smthumbup:


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## klarson27 (Apr 11, 2012)

Good luck!

Maybe you can schedule a night out including a night at a nice hotel.. That would take care of all the external factors and let the two of you spend intimate time together alone without worrying about a door to lock!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I think Toffer is right, he needs to have his testosterone checked.

Has he mentioned anything regarding why his drive is down.
What does he say when you tell him you dont feel wanted because he will not have sex with you?


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## EddieJ333 (Mar 10, 2012)

There are some keylogging tools you could use, so though he erases the history the keystrokes are still logged into a hidden text file you can check when you are alone in your house. You can do this: open Free software downloads and software reviews - CNET Download.com type keylogger into the search bar at top right and then in the results the first one result is AllInOne Keylogger. Download it and follow the instructions to install it. It will work for a one wek trial period, but i think one week is more than enough to know what he is doing while he uses the computer. The other thing you can do is to hide some camcorder into a place where the screen of the computer can be recorded, then you only have to check the movie about what is he doing at night. If he is watching porn, then you can ask why he doesn't want to do with you anything that you could see he was watching in the porn pages he visited. Hope this works for you.


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## EddieJ333 (Mar 10, 2012)

Hey, I've just think about this other method: don't say anything to him about you know what he was watching at those porn pages. Just try to see what he was looking at, and simply try to do exactly the same thing playing the woman's role in the movie or pictures he saw. Don't say anything. He will be surprised that you are asking him to do with you something he saw before, but without knowing how do you get the idea, he will feel really turned on. Try to use the same clothes of the woman in the video and to act the same way she did. The mistery involved into the situation would take him out from his carelessnes about you. Of course this advice only applies if the role you should play is not too hardcored to you. As long as you feel comfortable or at least not too very far from your principles, you should try to do it.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Dorothy_Zbornak said:


> And he finally said it - he said "I know. I know. Where we live now is so stressful. We have zero privacy and I promise things will change when we move into the new house. We will have a room with a locking door and we won't have family dropping in every 5 minutes unannounced."
> 
> We currently live in the in-law suite of MIL's house.
> 
> So here's crossing my fingers that things will improve in a few weeks....right? :smthumbup:


I'm sorry, but no they are very unlikely to change. Even if he's stressed about the environment that does NOT explain his total lack of interest in having sex with you. Men who want sex find a way, period. The house is just an excuse. 

I also think you might want to face and evaluate the statement that he has "no drive". He might have a perfectly fine drive, but isn't, for whatever reason, interested in sex with you. Everyone else is giving you a lot of great advice that pertains if your husband has something physically/psychologically wrong with him.

But, and I hate to be the one to have to bring this up, most people around here just do not talk about what happens if a spouse simply, over time, becomes uninterested in sex with their partner. It happens. People get bored. People fall out of lust. That's an incredibly painful thing for some people to admit, so they go on lying, even to themselves, instead of facing the issue head on. 

If your husband is masturbating, and the empty history suggests he most likely is, it's time to turn your thoughts elsewhere because he does have a drive. You might want to find out, as best as you can, if he's just not attracted to you anymore, and be open to the reasons he gives.


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## EddieJ333 (Mar 10, 2012)

As long as I've learned by helping married people to overcome marital troubles, a normal low sex drive means that the person doesn't think about sex, until their mate looks for it, then they got in the mood, accepts the others caresses, words and approaches and they can have sex without any more trouble, even they enjoy the sex encounter. If you never think about sex, then it would be the case, but if you don't feel like having sex once he approaches, and additionally if you never enjoy having sex with your husband, then the problem very likely is you and you need some advice or counseling in fixing your low sex drive.


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## keetalee (Aug 20, 2012)

If you changed the name, this would be me totally. I have been married for 20 years in Feb. Hubby is 53 and I am 48..for 15 years the sex was great..then it started to wane. There was some pill addiction that was discovered during that time but he has since been clean about 5 years. Porn does not help...we have tried. He had his testosterone tested ...normal. I think he is depressed. He was working out but stopped .He was attending church but stopped. I was getting the same excuses. He is working on it or Its not me its him. We had a big blow out about it and he admitted he needs to talk to someone but having a hard time explaining or admitting to someone that he is having sexual issues. I am going out of my mind about now. I am fighting being depressed about it. Part of me just wants to leave, but do you end an otherwise good marriage because the sex is lacking. It doesnt help that he works at night. The only times we sleep together are Friday nights and Saturday nights.. I am reading intently looking at the advice you guys are providing..maybe something will help.l He is scheduling an appointment for a sex therapist...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Dorothy_Zbornak said:


> How would I know if he was using porn? Is there something I could look at on the computer?
> 
> I did notice that there is no history on the computer - that is probably a huge sign, right?
> 
> ...


 Usually when there is no history it could be one of 2 things-

1 he isn't getting on the computer at all.

OR

2. he is deleting the history when he is done.

If he is deleting the internet history, you will need a program to undelete it. Just because it has been deleted doesn't mean it is gone. It stays on the hard drive to be over written by another file. 

There are several un-delete programs available. You can view the files that have been deleted that is free, but if you want to restore them you will have to pay for the licence. 

this is the one i have used. eSupport UndeletePlus - Easily undelete, unerase, and recover deleted files

Hope this helps


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

jaquen said:


> I'm sorry, but no they are very unlikely to change. Even if he's stressed about the environment that does NOT explain his total lack of interest in having sex with you. Men who want sex find a way, period. The house is just an excuse.
> 
> I also think you might want to face and evaluate the statement that he has "no drive". He might have a perfectly fine drive, but isn't, for whatever reason, interested in sex with you. Everyone else is giving you a lot of great advice that pertains if your husband has something physically/psychologically wrong with him.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

They always come up with excuses about why he doesn't want to have sex.

My husband told me that he had no drive too. Then i found porn. Why would he need porn if he had no drive to begin with :scratchhead: He wouldn't


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