# Dealing with a BPD



## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

My story in a nut shell my WAW took off just before Christmas of last year. Had a toy boy OM who has destroyed many marriages in our town. Recently after reading here on TAM and talking to my IC I have a strong suppression she is a BPD. IC thinks she is a narcissist, I think she is a BPD from reading everything I can find. I have been desperate for some kind of closure from her but I now realize I will never have any. 

It has been almost 9 months since she walked away I no longer walk on egg shells and my life in most areas has improved. Our divorce is almost final and I have gone out with a nice gal. I am not ready for any type of a serious relationship which was a problem for her. I am too afraid of hooking up with another BPD type of person. 

I have been for the most part no contact except talking about the divorce or our daughter. Our daughter is pregnant at about 7 or 8 weeks. I have had no contact period for about 3 months until tonight. I checked my face book page and had a message from STBXW. “Hope we can take (our daughter) to the doctor together next week.” “She thinks we will be able to hear the heart beat.” 

What should I do????? I do not want to be on in the same room with the POS person. I love my daughter but WTF is she thinking. I need help folks. I am finally coming out of this pit and I do not need this. I know my daughter would like to have me there but I think this is just a ploy on the my STBXW part. I think it is called a hoover and yes it sucks. Please any thoughts would be helpful on my part. From what I have been reading when you go dark on a BPD you go no contact period which I have been doing. Help me figure a way to deal with this please.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would beg off the doctor's appointment and then meet your daughter just the two of you at another time. There's no law that says you have to do this with your stbxw. It's not worth your sanity and your daughter should understand if you have to see her separately.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think for the sake of your daughter try and put your feelings in check. Be civil and when the procedure is over, hug your daughter and tell her you love her and will see her soon and then leave. If your near ex wants to talk to you, you can politely excuse yourself. I've had to that for years now and I hate it, but do for her sake.

Now, I want to go off topic on you. You say you don't want to marry another woman who may be bipolar (or maybe some other malady). When I was dating and I got an interest in a lady I'd find an excuse to use her bathroom. Once in there with the door shut (I'm shy) I'd rifle her medicine cabinet looking to see if she took RX for anything. If I didn't know what it was I'd write it down and check it our in the internet. If they took RX for depression, bipolar... I pretty much baked out of the relationship. NOT that I wouldn't remarry a person with such a malady, but at the time I just couldn't handle it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I would beg off the doctor's appointment and then meet your daughter just the two of you at another time. There's no law that says you have to do this with your stbxw. It's not worth your sanity and your daughter should understand if you have to see her separately.


See, truly great minds can disagree every now and then.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear arked,

I note that it wasn't your daughter but your STBXW who invited you. If you don't want to be in the same room as her, simply ignore her message and don't go.

If you think your daughter might expect you to go, call her and tell her why you can't (be honest).

That's it, plain and simple. Do what you want to do and don't be afraid to tell people why.

Good luck.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

For BPD...

I am not trying to be too much of a tool here but if you think your STXW has BPD then all you have to do is look at the traits and be honest with yourself if she has or doesn't have the following symptoms...

Borderline personality disorder: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com

There are many such lists, that is just one... Google is really simple to use. My gf has BPD traits so I am well aware of what you may be dealing with... You will most likely NEVER get closure as to why your STBXW is who she is and did what she did so just move on and focus on being the best you.

To be frankly honest, it does NOT matter if she is BPD or not. She moved on and so should you. I do NOT speak to my EX unless I have to discuss something dealing with the kids.

Take care of your daughter... If she asks you to do something then try to do it if you can. If you cannot tell her why. If your STBXW asks, screw it.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

mmm this is difficult I am having unending problems with my BPD stbxw. (15yrs 11 married separated AP2012 2x kids 10/11 - divorce imminent)

I no longer want anything literally anything to do with her cannot stand being in the same town.

I have been honest with my kids they both know why, without the gory details, (serial unending cheating etc etc nil remorse) 

I refuse to in any way be a part of anything she is connected with. She takes over you find you cannot be your normal relaxed self when she is in 'show' mode. Taking the kids to tour their upcoming secondary schools was a big issue. I said we could do this separately - world war three !! 

I could sense she still wanted some kind of connection and so stuck to my guns did it on my own and it went great. Eventually she made arrangements to do hers too but she could have just quietly done it anyway - no chance of that.

You are in a better position tho with your daughters age she will surely understand when you want time excluding your cheating spouse 


These links will also help you understand more about it all. Be sitting you are in for some shocks!

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

BPDFamily.com - Boards 

Borderline Disorder Personality Test And Personality Disorder Symptoms Research


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

arked said:


> My story in a nut shell my WAW took off just before Christmas of last year. Had a toy boy OM who has destroyed many marriages in our town. Recently after reading here on TAM and talking to my IC I have a strong suppression she is a BPD. IC thinks she is a narcissist, I think she is a BPD from reading everything I can find. I have been desperate for some kind of closure from her but I now realize I will never have any.
> 
> It has been almost 9 months since she walked away I no longer walk on egg shells and my life in most areas has improved. Our divorce is almost final and I have gone out with a nice gal. I am not ready for any type of a serious relationship which was a problem for her. I am too afraid of hooking up with another BPD type of person.
> 
> ...


Tell your daughter you want to do sonething special for her to celebrate her news. Let her know you would like to pick her up after het Dr appointment and take her to lunch and out to buy your future grandbaby a little something. Make it a special time for you and her. If she asks about going in with her and mom....just say you are going to let mom do that with her and you spend time with just her.....that way there won't be any chance of confrontation with th ex or OM or other thoughts putting a dark cloud on things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

The invite was not from your daughter I would ignore the stbxw. 

Speak with your daughter directly. Maybe she does t want you there. Do not barge in. 

Find out your daughters needs and wants and work from there she is a priority in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

Thanks for the help. I have spoken to my daughter about her appointment she had no clue her mom has made the request. I told her to think about where she wants me to come or not. I will make a decision based on what she wants not her mother. I can be civil to my STBXW and daughter by showing up and not having anything to say to my X, my daughter would understand. I think the best thing to do is let my daughter make the call. 

Detaching from my STBXW has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my adult life.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

arked said:


> Thanks for the help. I have spoken to my daughter about her appointment she had no clue her mom has made the request. I told her to think about where she wants me to come or not. I will make a decision based on what she wants not her mother. I can be civil to my STBXW and daughter by showing up and not having anything to say to my X, my daughter would understand. I think the best thing to do is let my daughter make the call.
> 
> Detaching from my STBXW has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my adult life.


It is very very difficult because you will always err on the side that the fault is with the illness not the person but actually in personality disorders that is very much not the case 

Their 'affected' wayward thinking may put them on a path to destruction but they still have to make the full and final choices for themselves in full knowledge of the repercussions the hurt and the pain they will cause. 

They then have a habit of sailing on in regardless of the consequences showing little remorse for their actions

Often shows itself in that untill last month for 15 years you were the bees knees but 'he' appeared and now almost overnight you the husband who she says "don't ever change" to is now shvt whilst new man is overnight 'god' ! 

Actually if it were not so serious it's often laughable so bizarre is their thought process about stuff


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

arked said:


> Thanks for the help. I have spoken to my daughter about her appointment she had no clue her mom has made the request. I told her to think about where she wants me to come or not. I will make a decision based on what she wants not her mother. I can be civil to my STBXW and daughter by showing up and not having anything to say to my X, my daughter would understand. I think the best thing to do is let my daughter make the call.
> 
> Detaching from my STBXW has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my adult life.


Yea that little stunt sounds like a real narcissistic move. Honestly she is trying to show you she won and is happy. Don't worry about it the one trait most narcissists have is that end the end everything falls apart.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

@badbane 

Narcissistic is what my IC said she also said the same thing about her " It will all fall apart." I don't know she is in her show mode and has been for 9 months.

@headspin

_It is very very difficult because you will always err on the side that the fault is with the illness not the person but actually in personality disorders that is very much not the case 

Their 'affected' wayward thinking may put them on a path to destruction but they still have to make the full and final choices for themselves in full knowledge of the repercussions the hurt and the pain they will cause. 

They then have a habit of sailing on in regardless of the consequences showing little remorse for their actions

Often shows itself in that untill last month for 15 years you were the bees knees but 'he' appeared and now almost overnight you the husband who she says "don't ever change" to is now shvt whilst new man is overnight 'god' ! 

Actually if it were not so serious it's often laughable so bizarre is their thought process about stuff._

Very good thinking headspin and you are right I have been blaming her illness not her. I am trying to look at her in a different way. As far as remorse goes she has none. The good news is you do get better but it takes a lot of time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> See, truly great minds can disagree every now and then.


(The necessary elements of a healthy discussion. )


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## crowgwu (Jul 31, 2013)

It's not worth your sanity and your daughter should understand if you have to see her separately.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

arked said:


> Thanks for the help. I have spoken to my daughter about her appointment she had no clue her mom has made the request. I told her to think about where she wants me to come or not. I will make a decision based on what she wants not her mother. I can be civil to my STBXW and daughter by showing up and not having anything to say to my X, my daughter would understand. I think the best thing to do is let my daughter make the call.
> 
> Detaching from my STBXW has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my adult life.


My first instinct is that your daughter is the most important thing. Let her decide if she wants you there or not but don't put her in the middle of you and your STBXW. I hope you didn't explain your discomfort about being around STBXW, putting your daughter right in the middle of things with her decision. This may be a moment she wants to share with her mom but if she wants you there, I agree with you ... suck it up, be civil with STBXW and enjoy the moment you hear the heartbeat with your daughter. 

I clearly remember the moment I first heard my oldest daughter's heartbeat and the significance of sharing the moment my own daughter hears the heartbeat of her first child would not be lost on me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Suck it up and be there for your daughter give her a kiss goodbye and leave pretend she isn't there that will send a very clear message. Cry after you leave if you have t o but you will be proud of yourself you can do it.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

Daughter wants me there to hear heart beat. I will go with my head up and I will do the right thing for my daughter. So sad after 20 years of marriage getting to the point of having grand kids and having to deal with someone who stomped your heart flat and left it in the middle of the road. 

I have been feeling a little better about myself and seeing a little forward progress in my life the last few weeks. Now this and I find myself angry and hurting all over again. I saw something in writing yesterday that said it takes two years to recover from a divorce like this.


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## wcd6891 (Aug 1, 2013)

Ask your daughter what she wants. Its not about what your ex wants you to do. If your daughter says she wants you there then be there for her. Who said that you need to talk to your ex. At this point yall just share kids nothing else. Don't let her make this moment some type of walk down memory lane because she will try to do it. Be strong and talk with your daughter


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Narcissistic personality traits. If a person has BPD of any type I typically say "RUN". I really don't know any one in my office who would keep a client who has BPD. I wouldn't. I would refer this client to another facility as quickly as I could and I know others here in my office would as well. We don't like working with these folks and I just don't. 

Not that it matters much since she will soon be your ex but I do wonder if she has the disorder or narcissistic traits. There is a huge difference. I met many folks with narcissistic traits but never met one who had NPD. I have dealt with PD's of other types but again, once I assess that they have a PD, I am done with them and it becomes "referral time". I don't want to waste my time.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

Headspin said:


> These links will also help you understand more about it all. Be sitting you are in for some shocks!
> 
> Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
> 
> ...


thanks for these links. my stbxw is a perfect BPD and the links are very helpful.


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