# Why do you date?



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I've been divorced for 5 years, but only separated (for good this time) from my ex husband for about 6 weeks after a failed reconciliation. (We never remarried, we are divorced)

I'm not at all ready or interested in a relationship right now for both selfish reasons and reasons of really needing to heal and find myself. I also am completely uninterested in just sex/FWB.

I told my therapist this week that I'd been asked on a date and I went even though I'm not at all interested or ready (she agrees!) for a dating relationship.

She asked me why I said yes. I had a lot of "reasons" like:


-I have a hard time saying no/didn't want to hurt his feelings.
-He's very nice and he's interesting so I would actually like a friendship with him. 
-I think you can go on dates without wanting a relationship....?? (can you?)
-It made me feel good to be asked out.


Considering the fact that after my divorce and before our reconciliation I jumped into dating way too soon, and had way too many dates/relationships during that time, and the fact that I feel like I want to be much smarter about it this time around, she really gave me a lot to think about....especially now, after our session. I think it will be the focus of our next session--her helping me set strict rules and boundaries for myself.

So, if you're dating, why are you dating? Is it to find a potential mate/partner? What are your feelings about dating just for fun but with no physical intimacy expected? Is that just leading someone on? If you're not willing/ready to consider a relationship, does that mean you have no business dating and should always say no?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You could date for any reason you want but only date someone who understands and has similar values or you will end up betraying yourself again.

I am capable of dating friends and I have. There was no sex and we are still friends to this day but not everyone thinks the same.

How did your date go? I'm assuming it was the handy professor?

You need to develop a harder boundary when it comes to saying no and possibly hurting feelings.

Your love, sex, intimacy is valuable and unique. It isn't a cup of coffee or other nicety that should be offered out of politeness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> How did your date go? I'm assuming it was the handy professor?
> 
> You need to develop a harder boundary when it comes to saying no and possibly hurting feelings.
> 
> ...


The date was fine, good, fun. We left it as "we should do it again after I get back from vacation." But then I went on vaca, came back, went to therapy, and now I think maybe I should not have gone at all. Second guessing myself. 

(We have texted occasionally since then, but no date set up....he definitely seems more "into" me than the other way around and he's no idiot so I'm sure he senses that, although I'm a very nice person, which I know can be my downfall with dating.)

I know you're right about boundaries. 100% right, and it's something I really need to work on/figure out/stick to.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

BTW, Thank you, @ConanHub for understanding exactly where I'm coming from .


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> So, if you're dating, why are you dating? Is it to find a potential mate/partner? What are your feelings about dating just for fun but with no physical intimacy expected? Is that just leading someone on? If you're not willing/ready to consider a relationship, does that mean you have no business dating and should always say no?


I'm not dating at this time, but back in the day when I was dating, I did not take it lightly. That is to say, in my heart of hearts the ultimate goal was to find a potential mate, and dating was to get to know a person enough to see if they had potential or not. 

If someone asked me out when I was not ready to date, I told them no. Now, it was hard for me, because I'm like you--I don't want to hurt feelings. But I thought it would be easier on them to be polite but honest and just say "I'm flattered that you'd ask, and if the timing was better I might consider it, but right now it's just too soon for me. I'm sorry but I have to say no." 

If someone was interesting and an okay person--like a guy I met at the yoga class and he caught my attention but I didn't know anything about him--if I did feel ready and he asked, I did not do a serious date and I told him so at the beginning "I would be interested in getting to know you better too, but I just want you to know I'd like to keep this very casual at first and just see how it goes, see if we click, and see if there's interest. Want to start with coffee?" and then I'd pay my own way and he'd pay his and we'd just talk and hang out. 

By the time we get to going out for dinner and drinks--by then I already knew them fairly well and had enough interest to think it was worthwhile for him to invest some money in me and in a potential "us" because I NEVER, EVER wanted to put myself or someone else in the position of feeling like "well he paid for dinner so now I have to put out" or "well I took her out so now we have to have a relationship." In my mind, it is not fair to expect a guy to take me out, take me to dinner, take me for drinks or dancing, etc. unless I think so highly of him that I'm considering him seriously as husband material. If it's not that serious...go back down to lunch together and each paying their own way. If it IS that serious, then it is reasonable for him to invest AND FOR ME TO INVEST BACK. Make sense?

Finally, you said: "I think you can go on dates without wanting a relationship....?? (can you?)" Let me ask you this--do you go on dates with the grocery store clerk or the post man? You have no relationship with them--do you date them? Do you expect them to take you out and pay for you? If not, then why would you expect that out of man you just met? If you want to go out and have some fun, I suggest instead doing like what's essentially a group date--invite 3-4 girls you hang with and 3-4 guys you hang with to all go to the concert together, each pay their own way, and hang out a little with each one to just have that fun. Otherwise, I personally think having someone else take you out just for the ego boost and the free dinner is kind of ... well, I'll say it... selfish.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> I'm not dating at this time, but back in the day when I was dating, I did not take it lightly. That is to say, in my heart of hearts the ultimate goal was to find a potential mate, and dating was to get to know a person enough to see if they had potential or not.
> 
> If someone asked me out when I was not ready to date, I told them no. Now, it was hard for me, because I'm like you--I don't want to hurt feelings. But I thought it would be easier on them to be polite but honest and just say "I'm flattered that you'd ask, and if the timing was better I might consider it, but right now it's just too soon for me. I'm sorry but I have to say no."
> 
> If someone was interesting and an okay person--like a guy I met at the yoga class and he caught my attention but I didn't know anything about him--if I did feel ready and he asked, I did not do a serious date and I told him so at the beginning "I would be interested in getting to know you better too, but I just want you to know I'd like to keep this very casual at first and just see how it goes, see if we click, and see if there's interest. Want to start with coffee?" and then I'd pay my own way and he'd pay his and we'd just talk and hang out.


My goodness, you sound exactly like my therapist. And I'll say the same thing to you I said to her: "Why can't I say things as eloquently as you do?"


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I date for two basic reasons:

1) Ultimately to find a long-term partner.

2) Temporarily, to have sex with women. 

It doesn't need to be more complicated then that. 

There is nothing wrong with just sex if you state your intentions clearly and do not lead people on and break hearts. Know your boundaries! 

However, you will find, most humans get attached and clingy because of a rooted fear of some sort. Only you are responsible for your feelings, and likewise, so are others. You are not responsible for the emotions of others although it is in your best karmic interest to be kind, transparent and honest. Ethical Egoism 101. Be true to yourself. Thelema 101: Do as thou wilt. Love is the law, love under will. 

Anyways, in my opinion dating is nothing more then exploring and looking for the right partner, and filtering through the garbage, or just meeting new people and having fun! 

We only ever have THIS MOMENT. THIS VERY MOMENT. So it doesn't matter if when you go on a date if you instantly know it's not going to work out. Newsflash: You will die one day and it could be any day. It could be today. Best enjoy yourself and love every moment. Nothing is perfect and sometimes true love is a feeling that only lasts 3 seconds (and I am not talking about ejaculation, but instead a microcosm of love tone).

As bad as this sounds, the only relationship that truly matters is the relationship with yourself, because regardless, you will die, alone, as you were born, alone. 

Good luck and don't take things so seriously.


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## running late (Jul 30, 2015)

I date because I never did before. In the past, with both of my ex husbands, I just sort of found myself in instant relationships. I've grown and changed a lot and have learned that, in order to truly live, I have to step out of my comfort zone. Dating is out of my comfort zone. I am talking about dates, not sex. Jumping into sexual relationships too soon is what I believe caused most of my problems. That's just me and my personal journey. I know a lot of people date for sex and have no issues arise from it. To each, their own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hey STR i agree with Conan. When you meet someone it may mean nothing, it may be a friend, the best sex of your life or the person you are meant to be with. The only thing is you must be on the same page otherwise you might end up leading someone on.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

If youre not yearning for intimate contact with the opposite sex, then dont date.
go out with friends instead. I think our society pushes dating far too much.

I was happy and single for many years before I got married. I love being married, but I was fine being single too. People wondered about me. So darn what!

Dating and relationships are very complicated. Live the simple life for a while.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am not dating...too fresh out of divorce from me. I would be open to new friends and relationships, but I agree it is important to be honest where you are at and being firm about it. I've recently met a new friend who wants more, but I have been consistently firm about my boundaries...i just want friends (and no, not FWB)...and even though she had a hard time with it for a while, she saw that I was serious and not just trying to passively let her down...which I think now has put the pressure off of things. It's not being selfish in the negative sense, but it is placing importance upon where you are at.

I've been married for a long time, most of it unhappily, so I just want to make a whole spectrum of friends without attachment and ownership in mind.


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## running late (Jul 30, 2015)

SecondTime'Round, six weeks may be a little soon to start dating. I think a man would understand that and not take it personally if you turned down a date. You wrote that you dated too soon after the divorce, before the reconciliation. I did the same thing, between my marriages. In hindsight, it was because I was afraid of being alone. Make sure that's not one of the reasons you choose to date. 

This time, I have been divorced for two years and the time that I have spent alone has been very therapeutic. I feel ready to date, now. If you don't feel ready- then wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Can-Man (Feb 7, 2013)

running late said:


> *I date because I never did before*. In the past, with both of my ex husbands, I just sort of found myself in instant relationships. I've grown and changed a lot and have learned that, in order to truly live, I have to step out of my comfort zone. *Dating is out of my comfort zone*.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same for me. Spent most of my adult life with a partner who I expected to be with for life. I never really dated before that relationship began, never thought I would need to put myself out there again, and never saw women as anything but friends so the whole dating thing is something completely new, scary and exciting.

For me, dating is part of the growth that comes after separation. It helps me to figure out what I would like from a partner and it helps me to think about the sort of person I want to be in my next relationship. I am not looking to settle down with someone immediately, but I don't expect to be single forever. I don't know of a better way to bridge that gap than by dating.

I also like sex and since I don't have a FWB arrangement, dating is a means to an end in that regard....but it certainly isn't my only intent.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I date for companionship. I thought I wanted a LTR but I am not going to push it. If it happens fine if not fine. I have made some really good friends from dates that didn't click. Happy in my skin right now


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I was never big on "formal" dating as that always seemed too much like job interviews for me. I've been in 2 LTR's (marriage and college GF) that account for about 20 of the last 24 years. In those 2 cases we had some sort of initial contact in which I "knew" they were the right one for me. Something stood out about them that had nothing to do with just physical attraction. Then in both cases life kept us apart for some time, but we ended up together when the time was right.

Even though I have a high drive, I don't need to bounce from bed to bed. That would just complicate my world. I guess I'm just built for serial monogamy and LTR's. I'll take the loneliness between relationships over unnecessary complications.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I date because I want to! I spent enough years alone in a marriage. I wasnt going to spend my precious divorce years sitting home. I am an extrovert and love men (friendship and otherwise). So I decided to meet alot of men. Some became friends, some I dated and some I slept with. 

I dont miss anything about being married. I am enjoying my life with all the new people in it. I would like a LTR at some point but not sure when and I am not worried about it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I date for campainionship. Many things in life are, to me, just better shared


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> I date for two basic reasons:
> 
> 1) Ultimately to find a long-term partner.
> 
> ...


This could have been written by me,as it's more or less how I feel as well. 

When I was dating, it'd been after 2+ years of healing after divorce. I knew exactly what the intention was for, which was #1 above. There had to be strong attraction and I needed a partner that appreciated my sexual expressiveness and enthusiasm, but the ultimate reason I filtered during dating was to find the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 

I didn't have this goal in mind at all really until I healed and felt 100 % ready. 

I just personally do not believe in FWB. It works for some, but not me as I believe a connection is inevitably formed by at least one of the 2 participants. Then it ceases to be FWB situation any longer, and either blossoms into something or ends, usually abruptly.

If it blossoms, it was founded on the basis of the [email protected] factor of one or both. Imo that's not a strong basis of respect to build a LTR over. 

If it ends, and you were the one getting emotionally invested, it would (again, imo) leave you hurt, feeling like you were used, and hinder your ability to be truly vulnerable to the next partner. I truly believe for women especially, it damages their ability to bond with a partner. Others may disagree- in my experience I have seen my more experimental female friends have more difficulty forming very deep and intense relationships with their men and seem to want that more than anything, so keep looking and looking. If the deep connection is not important, then that's a different matter. It was most certainly for me, so I conducted myself as I felt was necessary to obtain what I desired (and it worked). 

Really, if the guy you dated wants something serious and you aren't ready, you should tell him. Dating can and should be fun, but I think the intentions need to be made clear from both sides initially,to prevent misinterpretation, assumptions, and potential hurt from either parties.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I spent 12 months healing post separation and then started dating when the time felt right. I dated because I adore men and love sex. I already have a lot of friends and company so it was not to find new friends. Had a ball, met some great guys, got back into having sex and ended up with a FWB.
No intention of finding love or a LTR but that is what I found and I could not be happier.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For me, I feel it is more a situation of "date avoidance" more than anything else! Having been on the losing side of two failed relationships where both XW's blatantly cheated, oftentimes I find myself feeling that I'm behind the eight ball so to speak, feeling that if I found someone that I really clicked with, that I might become instantaneously attached and well on my way to traumatic relationship No. 3.

And while I've been on several dates since my last marriage, I have not even begun to click with anyone. No one really appeals to me nor stands out enough for me to ask them out or even communicate with on any of the dating websites that I belong to.

I've had one gal from church chasing after me that I'm just not attracted to with offers of dates(actually had one with her that went OK as far as things go) but I'm constantly finding excuses to veer away from any further dates with her. She is good friends with some of my church friends and I've had some of them mistakenly taking us to be "pair" after only one abbreviated date and having been seen conversing in the church setting. I've been asked to bring her to some social gathering where other church couples are at and refuse to do that because of their skewed perception of an existing relationship between the two of us!

I don't date because I find myself fearful that it could lead to yet another relationship failure that I'm not ready to emotionally nor financial equipped to deal with!

And while like any other red-blooded American male, I do crave a female relationship in my life, and the resultant sexual relationship inherent within, but once again the specter of potential pain scares me far away!

FWB is definitely not an option because a combination of my religious and social beliefs. So to sum up, I just don't date because of a perceived sense of impending failure and hurt that I feel awaits me. To that end, I oftentimes feel that I would be doing both myself and a potential date a favor by staying out of the dating scene! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Great answer, @arbitrator. I can totally relate.

Sorry about the church friend. Eeek!!


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