# Grief?



## DinoMom (Apr 27, 2019)

I’m very happily married with a wonderful husband that I have been with for almost 12 years and we have an amazing 6 year old son.

My greatest struggle is that I lost my Mom this past August (not Covid) after being her caregiver for the past 4 years. (She lived with us…because she was older and I lost my father a month after my son was born.)

I feel as though I’m failing as a Mom and just “going through the motions” and missing out on joy, watching my son grow up, celebrating birthdays and holidays the way I’ve imagined I would, enjoying the day to day moments more.

How do those of you that have dealt with losing your parents (or grief) find a way to also find the joy and not allow one to impact the other?

My husband, friends, in laws, etc are all wonderful and supportive. I just wish I could shake this all off easier or better. Or DO better. 

Any suggestions welcome. (Except medications…have BTDT and I don’t like how any antidepressants I have tried have made me feel, the side effects have outweighed any benefits, and I’ve tried several)

I’m not lazy or a slob. My home is clean, my son is happy, I do occasional consulting work, I volunteer at his school…so it isn’t as though I’m not active and engaged or struggle to get out of bed, etc. I just often feel as though I am going through the motions and not fully “present” if that makes sense.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Grief takes time. Its very recent for you isnt it. You will always miss her, my mum died very suddenly age 57 about 35 years ago now and I still sometimes miss her. 
Some say it takes 2-5 years to recover and the fact that you were caring for her and she was living with you means a big gap has been left. 

Have you got anyone to talk to about this?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I lost my husband in 2017, and at first it did somewhat feel like I was just walking through the motions. Honestly, I just kept doing the motions until I felt like I was actually there.

Some other things that I found that helped me were 1) I joined a grief support group. The first group was really negative and kept focusing on the past and what they had lost. That didn’t help me. So I went to another support group that was more positive, that focused on Bible verses, and that was encouraging. Those folks really did help me! 2) I read the Psalms. I read one every night, because night seemed like it was the hardest for me. They really did help me. 3) I came to understand that every single day that I am alive has both joy and sorrow. Some days the balance tips towards sorrow. Other days the balance tips toward Joy. And yet every single day has both. So I learned to reconcile feeling both at the same time.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

One thing I did was set a specific time aside each day to remember the person I lost.


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## katspaw (Nov 8, 2021)

Sending you strength to deal with your loss. It can't have been easy being the caregiver and to then experience an anticipated but still earth shattering loss can't have been easy. I find myself to be the spouse of someone who has to deal with a loss akin to yours and I can tell you from the other spouse's perspective that I would rather mine lay everything out and us talk about it rather than just "dealing with it" by going through the motions. You should confide your mood to your husband especially when you become glum or melancholic. You are not letting anybody down when you do that. I so wish my husband can do it without fear of judgement too.

My husband lost his brother early this year and we have been pretty much going through the motions but things have started looking up. However, it now seems like my hubby has turned or is turning to smoking to address the grief. I caught him smoking cigarettes recently (he does not and has not smoked in the past). I'm trying to find ways to help him deal with the grief and at the same time address his desire to turn towards addictive outlets rather than through healthier alternatives. I've tried bringing up my BIL a number of times and it is still an emotional topic that tends to put a dent on the remainder of the day. However, imo, not addressing it is going to lead to a bigger problem like my husband seems to have developed.

My situation gets complicated because of a prior infidelity on my part that leads me to start conversations about hard boundaries (smoking) on a backfoot but I must try to tackle both these issues for the sake of our marriage. I'm open to listening to suggestions/resources on this thread too.

Your grief will pass and you'll smile again!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

As for temporarily missing out on joy, I would just call that being sad, which is normal at a time like this and no reason to call yourself a failure. You may well be creating more problems by expecting this to not affect you. You seem to be coping w/ life, why can't you look at grieving as a normal part of life and not some failure on your part?


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