# Her Past



## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

Hi Folks, 

Im new to this forum and am hoping I can get some advice. Ive been married for 11 years to a wonderful wife. We have been pretty lucky to have great marriage so far. I look around at my friends and coworkers and think that we easily have the best relationship of the bunch. We communicate well, work well together, and love being around each other. For the most part, we have a healthy and active sex life. Everything in our marriage is totally awesome except for one little thing, which really is my fault. 

My wife has a sexual past that is difficult for me to understand and overcome. We both grew up in a religious household where we were taught to wait until marriage to have sex. I took this counsel to heart and waited. She waited until she was in college and lost her virginity within weeks of starting school. Her self esteem was low and she felt elated with the attention of new, handsome men in her doting on her. So she gave in to keep a particular boyfriend around. Once he got what he wanted, he left and things went downhill from there. She had 5 additional partners in her first year of school before she decided she needed to change her life. It was shortly after this point that we met and started dating, and eventually got married. And yes, we waited until we got married. 

I have never really gotten over her past. For years at a time, I have been able to put it in the back of my mind, but it has never really gone away. At times, for no apparent reason, it seems to feel more relevant, and feels as though it all just barely happened. Only two of her partners would be classified as long term relationships, and even those were not really that long. Not having been in any other sexual relationships, I have found it very hard to understand how she could have done such things with another man. I know I sound juvenile and super old fashioned, but Im just trying to be honest. For some reason I feel as though I have been cheated out of something that should have been mine. It drives me crazy to know that there are other men out there that KNOW her. I know nothing about sex outside of a marriage. She has assured me many times that our level of intimacy is incomparable to her previous life. She wishes it never would have happened, and has even gone as far to say that it feels like it all happened to another person. 

Having these kind of feelings at times has become overwhelming and has hurt our sex life. I find it difficult to concentrate on us because Im picturing her with someone else. It hurts me to the core to think of that. Perhaps Im being selfish, but I want her for my own, and hate to think that I was not her first, that this act was shared with men who meant little to her, other than to boost her self esteem. Maybe I just dont understand the need she felt to make herself feel good about who she was. Im just wondering if there is anyone else out there who has had similar struggles in their marriage. How have you dealt with it? What advice do you have for me? Feel free to be as blunt as you like.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LR,
Did you know all this before you proposed to her?




loneranger said:


> Hi Folks,
> 
> Im new to this forum and am hoping I can get some advice. Ive been married for 11 years to a wonderful wife. We have been pretty lucky to have great marriage so far. I look around at my friends and coworkers and think that we easily have the best relationship of the bunch. We communicate well, work well together, and love being around each other. For the most part, we have a healthy and active sex life. Everything in our marriage is totally awesome except for one little thing, which really is my fault.
> 
> ...


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

Yes, I did. I wish I didnt. We were the best of friends before we started to become romantic, so we talked about everything. To her credit, she has been very up front and honest about everything. We have kind of decided to just stop talking about it. I have found that the more I know, the more upset it makes me. So, I dont have anyone to talk to about it. Hence, my coming here. Strangely enough, none of this started bothering me until about two years ago. What brought it all on is totally beyond me. Just all of a sudden I started really struggling with it.


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

Can totally relate to you. My wife told me 15 years after marrying me...that she had sex in college....while we were engaged! It took at least 3 years for me to even think straight...., and even though I'm past it, I can totally relate to what your talking about. In my mind, I felt it would have been much easier if both of us had been married before and then met and married. But when one of you has done that and the other didn't.....it hurts....bad! I always thought she was my first also....! I wanted to know what happend...and she pushed me away. After numerous discussions and me begging for more information....she made me promise to not bring it up ever again. I havn't since. Like mem said above...if you knew about it and chose to marry her...then your there becuase you chose to be. For me...I was tricked and I didn't know....unltill we had kids, a mortgage, jobs...and a big-time life together! Here is my biggest piece of advice......SHE CHOSE YOU!!! Out of these men...your the one she married and wants to be with. That doesn't ease the pain....and it never will....but it helped me to know that she felt enough about me...to marry me and not him...or them......! Unfortunately my friend....you will never forget...but you have to forgive and move forward. If you can't....., you will eventually allow this to come enough between you that you will divorce and remarry someone else....who has a past...! The choice is yours....


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Sounds like an ego issue to me.You don't have a problem with her. You have a problem with other men "Knowing" your wife. As they say, you bought the cow and they got the milk for free. To add to that you've only known your wife so you feel shorted. There is nothing she can do to change it. You said you're relationship is good in other areas. Try not to let this bleed into your relationship. Counseling for yourself could help. I've slept with 30+ women (The life of a sailor) and my wife knows about it. I can't do anything to change it as much as I may want to.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am going to give you the brutal honest truth you requested:
- There are a certain percentage of guys who react exactly like you are. Take comfort in that. 
- Letting your partner know "one time" that you are bothered by this is natural/healthy/honest even if it hurts their feelings

Now this is where the good partners and the bad partners part ways. 
- After that "one conversation" the good partners never, ever bring this up directly or indirectly with their spouse. That does not mean you have to bottle it up. It means you may discuss it with a trusted "male" friend who is discreet, with a therapist, with a trusted family member. Just NEVER EVER with your W. EVER. She trusted you and was open with you. You absolutely had a valid choice BEFORE proposing to accept it or not. It is abusive - emotionally abusive - to marry and then repeatedly hit a sore spot like this. And it IS a sore/weak spot for her. 

- The "weak" males/bad partners feel entitled to repeatedly inflict harm on their partners over a history that can't be changed. Glad you have "stopped" doing this - Very likely you have already done some damage to her. At this point - on an absolute scale of right and wrong - SHE is the injured party. Sure she made some mistakes, but YOU accepted her "as is" and then in a sense began to "reject" a part of her she can't change. 

If you really have become a good partner - you will realize she 
is the injured party here not you. If you can't see that - maybe some counseling will help you. 





loneranger said:


> Yes, I did. I wish I didnt. We were the best of friends before we started to become romantic, so we talked about everything. To her credit, she has been very up front and honest about everything. We have kind of decided to just stop talking about it. I have found that the more I know, the more upset it makes me. So, I dont have anyone to talk to about it. Hence, my coming here. Strangely enough, none of this started bothering me until about two years ago. What brought it all on is totally beyond me. Just all of a sudden I started really struggling with it.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

A woman who has had a past she was not proud of, she is usually more careful with her present and her future. I am talking about my own experience. 

I have a man who isn't bothered by my past, he said that my past is my past, actually my past has made the wonderful woman he has now, he loves the woman he has now. He feels bad that I had to go through all that pain. 

He freed me from my past, he doesn't make me feel guilty of my past, he helps me focus on my present, his understanding and appreciation of me makes me work harder to please him. 

I am grateful for having this man of mine. If you go through more of my posts, you will know that my husband is having a very stress free marriage. I don't cause any marital pain for him. I wish you be the same for your wife!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Thhis is weird you are married as long as me, and our wives have had the same # of sexual partners. When we had this talk, i wasn't floored, perhaps if it would of been as narrow of a window as yours i might think differently, but at the end of the day u have to let things that happened prior to u slide. Its not right to hold someone's past against them. Most chicks have their one night stands, some battle the low self esteen issues, and it allows them to lose focus on what's important and guys take advantage of that. Or... they just wanted to F/ck, and at that age they are trying to define thier sexual identity. As guys we like to think that there's some type of failing on their parts to lay with guys so easily. But sometimes sex... is just sex. Ask yourself if the shoes were reversed, would she hold you to the same type of scrutiny as you are doing to her right now? To me, if it happened before me, there is no reason for me to beat myself up over it and judging her is just wrong.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Thank you MEM, I know this man's pain is real and it comes from a place of religious beliefs but I always feel so bad for the poor women who must live through this horrible experience in their own homes day after day. What a shock it must be to them. After so many years of being a good wife. What must they feel in their heart of hearts. They don't tell their partners, they bury it for a time. 

I would add to the OP to realize and accept the depth of the pain you have caused your wife and ASAP ask your wife to forgive you and atone for the suffering you have caused her. If you don't, I think you will experience problems in your marriage not now but in the future. I'd like to explain why - from a woman's standpoint. 

These woman are all a man could hope for in a wife. They make the grave error of assuming that the man they love and trust will offer them solace when they open their hearts and share painful periods in their past. They have no idea that the sins of a woman are judged more harshly than the sins of a man and that in the eyes of men, they are unforgivable. They are punished and judged, and shamed, not once but, repeatedly and must further debase themselves by having to comfort the one they went to for comfort. 

She has already atoned to God now she must put salve on the non-existent wounds of a prideful man and leave her own wounds to fester.

I am more than certain that she is spending major bucks from her emotional love bank and the husband will eventually feel her resentment. Women don't forget, they bury hurt and shoulder on, until such time as it is suddenly too much and they shut down or leave. 

I am not directing this to the OP who is suffering but, there are men who have a past, look at porn, eye woman on the street, chat up the ladies and then piously sit in a pew in a church on Sunday. They 
may actually consider their ongoing affront to the word of God as "a male right". Yet they judge a women who has atoned for past indiscretions and who is as good a wife as any Christian man could pray for, a virtual gift from God. 

BTW: God is merciful and no matter what we do to each other, we will be judged fairly in the end. 

Maybe this will help - read all of Matthew 7 especially pray on this parable - "Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother's eye." 

Of course, here I am doing the same thing, sorry.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

loneranger said:


> It was shortly after this point that we met and started dating, and eventually got married. And yes, we waited until we got married.
> 
> I have never really gotten over her past. For years at a time, I have been able to put it in the back of my mind, but it has never really gone away. .


Let it go. If you accepted her with a sexual past when you married, then you're kind of blowing it to retread your insecurities now, DECADES later.

She did nothing to offend you. She stopped that behavior when you met and married. Doesn't that count for anything to you?

She is not defiled or tainted by what happened so long ago.

Your attitude needs an adjustment. I think you need to seek a nonreligious counselor to help you through this feeling you have.

You are risking your happy marriage for something that happened before you even dated and married her. And, most importantly, she has not given you a whisper of a thread of reason to doubt her faithfulness and love for you.

Go buy her some roses.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

loneranger said:


> Strangely enough, none of this started bothering me until about two years ago. What brought it all on is totally beyond me. Just all of a sudden I started really struggling with it.


Because two years ago she started looking more attractive to men in general? As in lost some weight / dressing a little better?

Any reason to suspect her having an affair during this time that you've subconsciously picking up on? 

Just curious.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Have you posted this on another forum before? This is seriously sooo familiar to me.

Do you still believe in no pre-marital sex? Could it be that you are jealous? Are you maybe angry that you "saved yourself" for her?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

notaname said:


> Have you posted this on another forum before? This is seriously sooo familiar to me.


It's a somewhat common issue for male virgins that marry experienced women.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

He is only bringing misery to himself by not letting go of this issue.

What can he do? 

Divorce her? 

Some Chinese men divorced their wives after they found out that the wives were not virgins before they got married. What happens to those men, regret for losing the wonderful wives they had, drink and get drunk all the time, feel even more miserable. Will they get to marry virgins after they are divorced. Maybe! Go to junior high schools and you have to be rich. 

I see few people happy here, men who marry virgins complain that they don't get to have hot wild sex, men who marry experienced women complain that they didn't get to have pure flowers.

This really tells me that a lot of people bring misery upon themselves by not letting go of silly things in life.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

I am SO past the pre-relationship sex jealousy.

Be thankful they have not cheated on you.

Trust me......cheating is VERY common, and the pain is MUCH worse.

Be grateful that she banged a few guys in college and not in your bed while you are at work.

Don't think it wont happen, because if you continue to distance yourself over her past......the likelihood of her cheating increases.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I was raised in a very old fashioned, repressive environment. I lost my virginity when I was 18, while my peers were having sex at 14.
When I left home at 21, I went CRAZY. Not a new partner every night, but still, quite promiscuous. I'm glad that I went through that stage and dated all those dooshbags. It made me appreciate my husband more.
Get over this and stop torturing your marriage, with something that cannot be changed. Five partners is hardly anything. Be glad that she chose you! 
You know what? Despite my past sleaziness, there were still some things I only did with my husband. I also think that my husband gets a thrill over taming a vixen. I'm only HIS hore now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Cat,
Beautiful stuff. 






Catherine602 said:


> Thank you MEM, I know this man's pain is real and it comes from a place of religious beliefs but I always feel so bad for the poor women who must live through this horrible experience in their own homes day after day. What a shock it must be to them. After so many years of being a good wife. What must they feel in their heart of hearts. They don't tell their partners, they bury it for a time.
> 
> I would add to the OP to realize and accept the depth of the pain you have caused your wife and ASAP ask your wife to forgive you and atone for the suffering you have caused her. If you don't, I think you will experience problems in your marriage not now but in the future. I'd like to explain why - from a woman's standpoint.
> 
> ...


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

Atholk said:


> Because two years ago she started looking more attractive to men in general? As in lost some weight / dressing a little better?
> 
> Any reason to suspect her having an affair during this time that you've subconsciously picking up on?
> 
> Just curious.


No, absolutely nothing like this. No question, hint, or suspicion of anything like that.


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

Despite my comments about the pain I feel about her past, I think I have painted an inaccurate picture of our marriage. We are actually quite close to one another and I dont think we have distanced ourselves at all from one another. Not once have I ever used her past as a way to intentionally cause her pain. There were times I wanted to more about why she made the choices she did, and during those conversations she felt horrible about the lifestyle she had. After the conversations, I promised myself Id never bring it up again because I didnt want her to relive any of the pain she experienced before. I broke my promise a couple of times. Id get really down after thinking about it, and feel really lonely. Its not the type of thing you talk about with a friend or a family member you know. So I have no one to talk to about it. Only her. 

I think the comments made about my selfishness are true. Maybe I am dealing with an ego problem. Maybe I am just overly prideful. I am truly proud of her for becoming the person that she is. I can say without any doubt that there is absolutely 0 remnant left in her of the person she used to be. 

I do treat her well. Id like to think Im a good husband. I participate in cleaning our home, we do dishes together every night, I dedicate several hours of my time after work to our kids. I try to surprise her on a monthly basis with something thoughtful, like maybe a letter or a gift that shows Im thinking of her. We talk to each other everyday while at work. Last year, I promised her Id give her a back rub, massage, foot rub, or something like that every night for a year before bed time. I fulfilled my promise. I do treat her well. 

For some reason I have just gotten really depressed about her past and am beyond frustrated and disappointed in myself that I have let it become an issue. Im just trying to figure out why I have, and how to let it go. People say, "just let it go" or "you just have to get past it", "leave it the past", "you cant do anything about it" . . . I know all this stuff. It doesnt come that easy. At least it doesnt with me. I cant just wake up one day and say, ok youre right, its in the past, Im ok now. Maybe that makes me less of a man than others. I dont know. Like I said, I dont have anyone to talk to about it, and clearly I have not figured this out on my own.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

God even forgives the ones who betrayed HIM. 

What do you think of those swingers? The husband sits there and enjoys his wife being ***** by other men!

I can say a lot of women are dirtier than the one you are married to. It is not enough?

You have to stress yourself out over this issue?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LR,
This is a tough situation. That said it is really wrong for you to play the "I can't talk about this with anyone else" card. Because that basically means you can "only" talk to her about this and you know how bad that is for her. 

I am not telling you to just "get over it". I am telling you that there is no Minister or Priest in the world who would tell you it is ok to keep raising this with your W. 

If you won't talk to a therapist/friend about it - then the sad truth is you clearly feel a NEED to make your W suffer with you. 

You vowed to "love" your W. Likely that was your first vow. If you keep raising this with her you are breaking your wedding vows because this is not love. 

If you were my son in law we would be on a very serious collision course because this is classic emotional abuse. Just because you cannot see the bruises and the scars doesn't make them any less real. 





loneranger said:


> Despite my comments about the pain I feel about her past, I think I have painted an inaccurate picture of our marriage. We are actually quite close to one another and I dont think we have distanced ourselves at all from one another. Not once have I ever used her past as a way to intentionally cause her pain. There were times I wanted to more about why she made the choices she did, and during those conversations she felt horrible about the lifestyle she had. After the conversations, I promised myself Id never bring it up again because I didnt want her to relive any of the pain she experienced before. I broke my promise a couple of times. Id get really down after thinking about it, and feel really lonely. Its not the type of thing you talk about with a friend or a family member you know. So I have no one to talk to about it. Only her.
> 
> I think the comments made about my selfishness are true. Maybe I am dealing with an ego problem. Maybe I am just overly prideful. I am truly proud of her for becoming the person that she is. I can say without any doubt that there is absolutely 0 remnant left in her of the person she used to be.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Buddhists say that people store a lot of garbage in their heart, throw that garbage away, then your heart is clean, and you mind is peaceful!

I need a shoulder to cry too, I have no shoulders to rely on but my husband's! She is the most important person in your life, let her past haunt your present is the least you should do. If you have more time and energy, do more things to make her happy, do more things to show your appreciation, do more things to strengthen your love for each other.

I have a lot of time doing meaningful things, I have no time feeling sorry for myself!


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

What do I think about swingers? Its absolutely disgusting. 

I feel horrible to even think that Im abusing her in anyway. I really dont want to do that. I know she has suffered enough. I will certainly ask her for forgiveness if I have made her feel lower or continued to make her pay for what she did. I truly owe her that if that is what I have done. 

I have talked to a minister, therapist, and also a doctor. I am taking medication to combat compulsive thoughts/ruminations. Things didnt go that well with a therapist. I have sought guidance and counseling to help me overcome this issue. Most of the time, the response has usually been directed at what a piece of [email protected]#$ I am because I have been unable to let it go. No one seems to understand that I DONT WANT TO HOLD ON TO THIS. I want get rid of it. Id love to throw the garbage out. I just cant figure out how.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

When you are insecure in other areas of your life, how do you get over it? This is insecurity, plain and simple.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am totally sympathetic to the OCD nature of this issue. 

It is very hard though to read an intelligent adult saying 
"I will ask forgiveness IF I have made her feel lower, or continued to make her pay for what she did"

Where does the IF come from? There is no IF here. You are abusing your W. This makes her feel sick. It also likely lowers her opinion of you. For a guy who is so big on scripture you seem to be very comfortable not taking responsibility for what you are doing here. 

Sadly the most likely way to jostle you out of this state would be for her to pack her bags. My guess is that may be where you two end up. 




loneranger said:


> What do I think about swingers? Its absolutely disgusting.
> 
> I feel horrible to even think that Im abusing her in anyway. I really dont want to do that. I know she has suffered enough. I will certainly ask her for forgiveness if I have made her feel lower or continued to make her pay for what she did. I truly owe her that if that is what I have done.
> 
> I have talked to a minister, therapist, and also a doctor. I am taking medication to combat compulsive thoughts/ruminations. Things didnt go that well with a therapist. I have sought guidance and counseling to help me overcome this issue. Most of the time, the response has usually been directed at what a piece of [email protected]#$ I am because I have been unable to let it go. No one seems to understand that I DONT WANT TO HOLD ON TO THIS. I want get rid of it. Id love to throw the garbage out. I just cant figure out how.


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## Piranha (Feb 15, 2011)

I wasn't even going to register to post in this forum, but the advise of "getting over it" or discussing your selfishness, etc...is the exact same "help" that only makes your situation more difficult - especially when you've posted this in a sincere request to get help. Not knowing you, if you come from even remotely from the same strict religious upbringing as myself, then I can see where your difficulties lie. I'm just going to assume that from the time you were a kid you were taught that pre-marital sex was sinful and that as you have saved yourself for marriage; you would in turn look for the same thing in your wife. On the other hand, its hypocritical for any of us, with all of our imperfections, to not forgive and try to forget. You're in a difficult emotional situation because you love your wife, love your faith, want a great marriage, and feel guilty for something that you had no control over.

Now that I've rambled...let me just say this. It's OK to feel hurt - because it does hurt. What you need to do, and I know this sounds crazy, is come to the realization that this will probably always hurt to some degree. That's probably not what you want to hear, but it helps because it helped me. Your wife is there to bear your burdens just as you are to do that for her. Understanding that you have a blessed life with a great wife that loves you regardless of your struggles is priceless. You will both carry a heavy load, but yoked together, understanding that certain crap in life hurts and will always hurt, you'll make it through. Don't put a time table on "getting better" or "forgetting". Don't feel guilty for it hurting - it HURTS and will always hurt to some degree. But you have to take the positive and move forward together. Focus on why you married her and why you've grown to love her more over the years. Just because it hurts, it does not mean you haven't forgiven her and that you're a hypocrite - it means you're a good man that's been hurt by a tough situation. I may get flamed over this post - but I'm trying to see from your point of view. Good luck.


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

Pirahna, 

Thanks for your words. It seems like you are the first person that has ever acknowledged that what Im going through is a real thing. I do feel like Im a good man, and I do my best to take care of my wife. It only hurts as much as it does because I love her so much. 

We are no where near packing bags, and I dont think we ever will be. You are probably right that I will feel some sadness about this throughout our marriage. I can only hope that in time it lessens. 

Anyways, I really do appreciate what you said. People will probably call you an "enabler" and all of that, but your words made a difference. Thank you.


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## Piranha (Feb 15, 2011)

I can only sympathize because I've been there - so if I'm enabling, maybe I'm just enabling you to come to terms with it. I've also had nowhere to turn when all I needed was someone to say "it's OK to hurt and, yes, it sucks bad." It's sad because I think this is much more prevalent than what most would imagine, but it's difficult to discuss and most replies will only reinforce the pain and guilt you're feeling.

Let me just add that in your situation, there is a loss. A loss in intimacy because it has been shared with other men. A loss in self esteem because you want to forgive and forget. Take some personal time and grieve that loss. In my opinion, there are two roads: you can rightfully feel hurt and continue to allow this to drive a wedge in your marriage...or you can bear one anothers burdens to focus on the great blessings of your partnership. Once I realized that this would always hurt, it's been surprising how much the pain has subsided - nearly to the point of not thinking about it anymore. I'll be honest, however, that in times of intimacy I have insecurities that arise. The more you recognize that it's OK, the easier it is to move on.

You were only doing what you were "supposed" to do, meaning, you lived your life per the principles of your religion/culture. You overlooked your wife's flaws just as I'm sure she has overlooked your's, showing a willingness to overlook shorcomings and faults. You've made attempts at showing her an increase of love and service. Insecurities are sure to abound, even with the best of intentions, and that is no fault of your own nor is it the fault of your wife. It's just life - and sometimes part of life sucks. 

I've been married for 11 years as well. For about 9 of those years, I struggled with the same situation. Our shared religious background was a large contributing factor to the conflict I had between how I wanted my life and marriage to be, versus the feelings of sadness and loss that I was experiencing. I tried counceling, which consisted of "get over it! Who do you think you are, Mr. Perfect?!" I tried medication, which only caused sexual disfunction...which really made things worse for self-esteem. I even went as far as thinking that maybe I would have been better off fooling around before marriage, but two wrongs could not make a right and that would have gone against what both of us believed. Trust me - I have my shortcomings and I will be the first to admit that I am not even worthy of my wife. She's put up with a lot - and so should you.

I don't want to get all uber-religious, but let me leave it at this: I've tried turning to everthing and even turning away from everything to no avail. If there were an option to "escape" my thoughts...I tried it to some degree. I finally found, however, that when I came to terms with the sorrow I felt and the insecurities that I had, I could rationally think through it and make plans to improve myself and my marriage. I looked everywhere for relief and ended up finding it in the same religious convictions that I had held near from the beginning - I just didn't believe that it would take the pain away. And it didn't. But it allowed me to see the eternal perspective, where we all fall short, regardless of the transgression. We all need the same help to jump that hurdle. Think of those that have gone before us and the trials and difficulties they had to endure. If this is what I have to overcome to make my ultimate goal, then it's all worth it. I can't believe that I'm going to do this, but yeah - I'm quoting scripture from the book of Matthew: 

18¶Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.

19Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily.

20But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a adream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.

What I see is a just man that loved his wife, and granted his wife was pregnant with the Son of God, but he was a "just man" that didn't want to make a "public example", and he "thought on these things." That leads me to believe that prior to his revelation, this weighed on his mind just as it would any mans. Granted, his wife was a virgin and everthing, but he had to be wondering "what the heck?" when she started showing her pregnancy. You sound like a just man and wants to make this work. Take time to think on your life, grieve for the loss of intimacy, and then work harder than ever to make it better.


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

Ive also found the same problems with the sexual dysfunction after being on medication. It sucks that trying to take the medication to help you mentally, hurts you physically. I totally understand everything you are saying. It almost feels like Im speaking to myself. 

Do you mind if I ask what religion you are?


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## Piranha (Feb 15, 2011)

Mormon

I've never posted anything personal like this on a board before, but it sounded like you needed someone that understood - so my personal situation is probably somewhat similar and don't mind sharing it in that context. The only reason, in fact, that I got on this site was to find some good ideas to improve my marriage and make my wife as happy as I can.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LR,
Glad you found a kindred spirit. This will be my last post on this thread. I am not questioning how you "feel" or how hard this is. I am just telling you straight that it is not possible to discuss this with your W without her hearing, thinking, feeling:
- I ruined the marriage
- I defiled my body
- I now have to suffer for all my bad acts

NOT POSSIBLE to avoid that outcome. While I am generally big on sharing the burdens with your partner, you cannot share this with her in a non-toxic manner. Because now matter how you frame it - she will hear "I stayed pure YOU didn't - and I can't get past it and forgive you". 

As for how you deal with it totally separate from her, I sincerely wish you peace of mind and the best of luck. 




loneranger said:


> Ive also found the same problems with the sexual dysfunction after being on medication. It sucks that trying to take the medication to help you mentally, hurts you physically. I totally understand everything you are saying. It almost feels like Im speaking to myself.
> 
> Do you mind if I ask what religion you are?


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## Piranha (Feb 15, 2011)

That's a very good point and I totally agree: it's best not brought up ever again...and that makes a big difference. When I talk of sharing your burdens, that doesn't mean you have to ever talk about it or tippy toe around it - just be there for each other and realize it's OK that this situation hurts both of you. For me it means that I have to be willing to leave the past behind and work harder than ever to move forward. But yeah - I've found (by doing it the wrong way) that discussing it in depth, or worse by returning again and again to the subject, will eventually drive you both crazy.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I realize that this passage from New Testament does not apply exactly, specifically to your situation since your wife did not commit adultery. However, it has to do with illicit sexual behavior.

Reflect on what Jesus tells both those who judge the woman and what he tells the woman. Notice how she not sinning anymore applies to your wife. And notice how those who judged her stopped doing so or feeling like they can punish her.

John 8:1-11 (New International Version, ©2010)

John 8
1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

Piranha said:


> Mormon


I thought so. No wonder you can relate to me.


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

michzz said:


> I realize that this passage from New Testament does not apply exactly, specifically to your situation since your wife did not commit adultery. However, it has to do with illicit sexual behavior.
> 
> Reflect on what Jesus tells both those who judge the woman and what he tells the woman. Notice how she not sinning anymore applies to your wife. And notice how those who judged her stopped doing so or feeling like they can punish her.
> 
> ...


Thats a great story in the NT and I have read it often. I appreciate and recognize the relevance it has to what Im going through. I have used this in trying not to condemn my wife or make her feel less of a woman, but it doesnt help me to not feel bad that it all happened. Know what Im saying?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

loneranger said:


> I thought so. No wonder you can relate to me.


Are you and your wife sealed in the temple?


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## loneranger (Feb 14, 2011)

Yes.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

loneranger said:


> Yes.


Then your wife and you both are deemed worthy by your own religious beliefs to be married for eternity.

She proved her piety and faithfulness and love to you, your family, friends, and church.

This doubt you have? It is not inspired by anything good.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Medicine can't help a person's mental problems. 

Only your will power can help you. 

How should we help you get out of this fog? Tell you that it is OK to sink into this kind of misery, be more understanding of you, are you here seeking advice or somebody to cry on? 

People often make this mistake, they like to hear what they want to hear, they don't like to hear what is against them, and life in general, it is what hurts makes you think and grow up faster. 

The garbage is not good for you, it is making your life stink, do you want to keep a piece of spoiled meat in your house, NO, you throw it out as soon as possible, only by doing this, you will be able to breath fresh air. 

Medicine can't help a person's mental problem, and it has side affects. The only thing we can do is to realize there is no perfect thing in the world.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

loneranger said:


> I feel horrible to even think that Im abusing her in anyway. I really dont want to do that. I know she has suffered enough. I will certainly ask her for forgiveness if I have made her feel lower or continued to make her pay for what she did. I truly owe her that if that is what I have done. .


I am sorry about my previous post it is not appropriate to your situation. I did not realize you needed medication and this may be an obsessive compulsive problem. I take back all I said. 

Unlike us untrained people, the therapist role is to nurture recovery, that means no judgment, no shame. What has been done is to drive you away from help and recovery and hurt your wife as well. It's malpractice. In this case you are right, you can't just get over it ad it is wrong of a professional to tell you that.

You have to forgive yourself first and foremost. What has happened is not the result of any voluntary thought on your part but is apparently part of a syndrome. I take back what I said because you are not really in control of what has happened. Some OCD people get hung up on germs, you happen to get hung up on your wife's past. 

May I suggest a god book on forgiveness "How can I forgive" by Janet Abrahms. It is available as a free download on the iPhone iBook site. It helped me to forgive my husband for the years he did not help me when we had babies. It is not the typical get over it book but more realistic. Try to get the book.

Also, forget the admonitions and criticisms. There is a natural sympathy for your wife of course but you need the same. You need tender loving care and a boost in your faith in yourself and your conviction that you are a good man, good husband and loving father. You have a problem that is solvable with the right approach. 

I don't know what that is. You cannot go to your wife for sympathy and understanding because you asking her to give you what you cannot give her and that is very bad in a relationship.

You should look up obsessive compulsive disorder and see if it fits you and seek the care a therapist that specializes in the syndrome. Tell the therapist about your experience with previous therapist and make it very clear that if this therapist takes the same approach then you will not waste your time on the visit. The type of meds that you are on need to be changed ASAP, there are one's that cause little sexual effects. This is no time for a lack of physical connection between you two and it is vital to get that taken care of. 

Your faith is your biggest ally - God will not magically make you better but, he will lead you to the way you can work to make it so. Pray to him for guidance and peace, it will come. Matthew 17:20 "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you." 

I wish you the very best. You and your wife deserve the best in life.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

michzz said:


> ..... 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. ”


:scratchhead: So the woman is brought for punishment but the man is not. This is acceptable?? I wonder who she was having an adulterous relationship with? 

:redcard: I see this as the root cause of some of the problems of differential attitudes towards female and male sexuality. Some take this biblical passage to mean that only woman need to absolve themselves of sexual indiscretions but not men. Unfortunately, this is convenient view, after all who wants to be punished better to heap blame on the gender with the least control over interpretation. 

But I take the passage to mean that the woman sinned no more than the man and both should be punished or both should be forgiven equally. Since the man was already forgiven without a second thought, God included the woman under the same umbrella of forgiveness. She was not singled out as needing absolution, she was included in that which the man already enjoyed. 

That biblical teaching is still not embraced in it's true meaning by our culture, more than 2000 years later. Maybe some day it will happen. In the meantime, men seem to be suffering as much as women these days, even as the culture dismisses male transgressions and point the finger at women. 

I sometimes wonder why the connection between men and woman does not give pause to this disparity. Men come to the very gender that is denigrated, with expectations of love, sexual and emotional intimacy and understanding. It is no wonder that so many married men are unhappy with their sex lives in marriage. Our culture is steeped in an environment that is hostile to female sexuality and both men and women can't escape the consequences; women before marriage and men after marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> :scratchhead: So the woman is brought for punishment but the man is not. This is acceptable?? I wonder who she was having an adulterous relationship with?


No!! You are not interpreting this in context at all.

The point was that the rule of the law was insufficient going forward - to Jesus.

What he said was applicable to each gender.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

michzz said:


> No!! You are not interpreting this in context at all.
> 
> The point was that the rule of the law was insufficient going forward - to Jesus.
> 
> What he said was applicable to each gender.


I don't understand??


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> I don't understand??


Where you wrote this:



Catherine602 said:


> :scratchhead: So the woman is brought for punishment but the man is not. This is acceptable?? I wonder who she was having an adulterous relationship with?


It was not acceptable.




Catherine602 said:


> :redcard: I see this as the root cause of some of the problems of differential attitudes towards female and male sexuality. Some take this biblical passage to mean that only woman need to absolve themselves of sexual indiscretions but not men. Unfortunately, this is convenient view, after all who wants to be punished better to heap blame on the gender with the least control over interpretation.


Anyone can use anything to promote crappy behavior. However, I don't think in modern times any serious person would use that passage to mean only women can be adulterous and thus be punished.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For the missus and I, we've both had past experiences before we met each other sure, my wife however, has had far MORE experiences then I. Which actually intimidated me at first too, especially when I thought "Oh ****! How the f--k am I supposed to stack up against so many men?"

But let me tell you now, that thought is bullsh-t, and it's just your fear telling you this BS. Physical entanglement is much easier to get over too then emotional entanglement, the missus also had problems at first when she learnt how close my first gf in the past and I were back in teens. But either way - past is past.

People don't just break up for no reason. With my first, I still love her, but not in "that way". It's more love out of respect, not romantic love. And to be honest, if the missus did press me on this past issue she WOULD push me away. 

Sometimes people just have met great people in the past, no one has the right to talk ill about them just out of jealousy. Sometimes when you fear something so much, and you act on it negatively instead of overcoming it, it may even happen. (Just like how my wife stole me from my last ex-girlfriend 5 years ago)

As for sex itself, people don't decide to commit into a marriage with someone just because they are good in bed. Not to mention that nowadays it also seems that a lot of people are focusing too much on sexual abilities itself instead of something I personally feel is more important; intimacy.

Anyways, in your case, think of it this way, she's been there, done that; Just like my wife who has been fiercely loyal since day one, even though I haven't been. Would you prefer a loyal wife who's been there, done that, and wants to settle, or a wife who thinks about the "adventures" she could have had if she didn't marry you? That's what I told myself anyways.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> Medicine can't help a person's mental problems.
> 
> Only your will power can help you.


Speaking as a nurse that works with psychiatric patients, I can very much assure you that medicine can help with mental problems.

There's really no way willpower can change your brain chemistry.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Speaking as a nurse that works with psychiatric patients, I can very much assure you that medicine can help with mental problems.
> 
> There's really no way willpower can change your brain chemistry.


A lot of people who take medicine to cure depression are not depressed at all. They just think they are depressed. 

It is all in their thinking! 

Medicine can't help somebody achieve peace and happiness. Make you feel good for a short while, that's it. It calms you down. 

A person who wants to feel peaceful and happy about his or her life long term, he or she needs to seek wisdom.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Speaking as a nurse that works with psychiatric patients, I can very much assure you that medicine can help with mental problems.
> 
> There's really no way willpower can change your brain chemistry.


LONERANGER.....sir I rarely post but I have gone EXACTLY over what you are going thru...almost identical situation with the exception that my wife and I have 2 kids.......you need to take care of this with MEDICINE like Atholk stated, you already know that therapy and self-talk, self-help and all the nonsense from people here making you feel guilty WONT HELP....they are blaming your attitude on you as if you are doing this intentionally and they tell you to go forgive your wife right away, but how ironic that they are acting the SAME WAY...blaming you for your pain and when they HAVE NO CLUE WHATS GOING ON....

This my friend is pure, simple OCD at its best.....your mind creates itself a "thought trap" that you cant ever escape!!!! think about it, you love your wife as much as I do mine but we pain for her past and no one else is at fault for her past BUT HER, not YOU!! 

the first thing you need to do is get some blood work done and check your testosterone and estrogen (E2) levels....if you are crossing into your 30-40's you can be experiencing male andropause...yes it does exist and if you are carrying a bit too much body fat the male body converts testosterone to estrogen at a more rapid pace....and guess what that does to your head??? all kinds of stuff you dont want (research around and you will see)

see an endocrinologist and check this out first, rule in this out is vital as hormones are a HUGE factor in our sexual mental behavior......

then if thats all good you need to get on a good anti-depressant like Lexapro....it literally saved me from this and likely also my marriage.....yes initially you will have loss of libido, but you NEED TO LET THE DRUG SETTLE in and this takes up to 6 months....and this will go away...Lexapro gets huge positive reviews, just look it up, it is the least likely to cause weight gain or related issues of any others, its very tolerable...

now plently of people will jump and talk garbage about drugs and what not...DONT LISTEN to them.....your first step here is to recognize you have a MENTAL CONDITION which you are very unlikely to fix yourself and it will only worsen as you age.....you dont have to stay on the drug forever....think about it, if you were diabetic would you try to fix it yourself??? you could only do so much before it takes you over and then it might be too late...this is the same thing....the brain is truly a sophisticated and wonderful chemistry creation....but its isnt perfect, just like everything else in your body.....

I couldnt help but post here because I felt like I was reading about myself and felt oblugated to show you how I have recovered from this....and how others are completely misunderstanding you (except for a couple).....NO ONE can udnerstand this unless they have experienced it...this is the case for all mental conditions.....mental issues cannot be X-ray'd or MRI...

now as far as your wife.....unlike others have stated...you do need to be clear with her that you have an OCD condition which is not totally under your control and that she must help you with, if she is the type person you describe she should understand and accept this just like others expect you to understnad her past.....you didnt choose this problem.....and is not your problem alone...it both you and hers as well!!! think about it.....this is a tough one my friend, but you need to put your focus on the science behind this and do your research, keep a daily log of everything as much as possible so you can go back and check progress.....but honestly I doubt that anything other than meds will overcome this.....

best luck, i wish to help you as much as I can....I DO KNOW WHAT THIS feels like, in fact I STILL NEVER FORGET AND WILL NEVER forget....but the great thing is our marriage (and sex) is now better than it ever was before...there is a POSITIVE side...keep your head high, you have done nothing wrong....in fact you did too much right !!!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> A lot of people who take medicine to cure depression are not depressed at all. They just think they are depressed.
> 
> It is all in their thinking!
> 
> ...


Emotions aren't about thinking how you feel about something, it's how you feel about something.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

prc911 said:


> then if thats all good you need to get on a good anti-depressant like Lexapro....it literally saved me from this and likely also my marriage.....yes initially you will have loss of libido, but you NEED TO LET THE DRUG SETTLE in and this takes up to 6 months....and this will go away...Lexapro gets huge positive reviews, just look it up, it is the least likely to cause weight gain or related issues of any others, its very tolerable...


For 40-50% of people the sexual side effects last longer than six months after stopping a SSRI anti-depressant. For some it never comes back.

Most anti-depressants take about a month to fully work, though you should experience results in about two weeks.

The only anti-depressant that I really recommend is Wellbutrin.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I just know, when I have problems in my life, when I feel down in my life, when I have issues in my life, I don't rely in those drugs to pull myself up, they don't last, they don't solve my problems, they don't erase my past, they don't help me forgive the ones who imposed pain on me, they don't make me a better person. 

I have to seek help myself somewhere. I have to tell myself that I can't be defeated by the devil in my own body!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> I just know, when I have problems in my life, when I feel down in my life, when I have issues in my life, I don't rely in those drugs to pull myself up, they don't last, they don't solve my problems, they don't erase my past, they don't help me forgive the ones who imposed pain on me, they don't make me a better person.
> 
> I have to seek help myself somewhere. I have to tell myself that I can't be defeated by the devil in my own body!


Taking medication for mental illness is no different than taking medication for diabetes, testosterone deficiency, hypothyroidism etc. You cannot will your body to change these things to be magically healed. You can decide to either treat the condition or suffer the consequences of it untreated.

What you are doing is blaming the victim of illness for not being strong enough of a person to be "not sick." To be sure what you do does matter, but sometimes you just can't overcome your own biology and medication is needed.

It's just like drinking alcohol. You can choose to drink or not, but having had several drinks in your system you can't choose to be drunk or not. The alcohol will change your personality and mood when you are drunk whether you like it or not. You can't decide to be "not drunk" by force of will when you are drunk.

Some people just have some poor biology when it comes to their mood and no amount of deciding to be "not miserable" can effect things. The correct medication can change that and make enormous difference in their life... whether they want it to or not.

They _can_ become better people for taking the medication.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Taking medication for mental illness is no different than taking medication for diabetes, testosterone deficiency, hypothyroidism etc. You cannot will your body to change these things to be magically healed. You can decide to either treat the condition or suffer the consequences of it untreated.
> 
> What you are doing is blaming the victim of illness for not being strong enough of a person to be "not sick." To be sure what you do does matter, but sometimes you just can't overcome your own biology and medication is needed.


EXACTLY EXACTLY!!!! THANK YOU...Oh my why is it that people cannot comprehend this ?!?!??!


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I just know, when I have problems in my life, when I feel down in my life, when I have issues in my life, I don't rely in those drugs to pull myself up, they don't last, they don't solve my problems, they don't erase my past, they don't help me forgive the ones who imposed pain on me, they don't make me a better person.


if course not!!! thats NOT what the drugs are for !!! they are an ADJUNCT and not at all for the casual "blues" that everyone has...but OCD for example is a mental condition which isnt casual at all !!!!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Atholk,

No matter what, drugs can't solve those struggling long term. They have negative thinking, the negative thinking produces the toxic brain chemistry, then they use drugs to balance it. 

Or just don't keep on thinking the negative things, think more positive things in life, then the brain will produce more positive chemistry.

I am not talking about those people who are really mentally sick, I am talking about people who are not happy.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Hey,

I know nothing about OCD. 

If it is a serious mental problem, by all means, take drugs, balance the brain, but still doesn't solve the long term issue. 

A lot of people who take antidepressants are not depressed at all, they are just not happy. Drugs can't help people become happy!


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

loneranger said:


> Hi Folks,
> 
> Im new to this forum and am hoping I can get some advice. Ive been married for 11 years to a wonderful wife. We have been pretty lucky to have great marriage so far. I look around at my friends and coworkers and think that we easily have the best relationship of the bunch. We communicate well, work well together, and love being around each other. For the most part, we have a healthy and active sex life. Everything in our marriage is totally awesome except for one little thing, which really is my fault.
> 
> ...


I understand your feelings since I come from a similar background; however, having said that, you are dealing with an issue of your mind being cut up in an immaturity limbo...or something, dont forget that your wife past is part of who she is...without all her experiences in life, she wouldn't appriciate you the way she does....is all in your mind to fix....the past, her past, is just that the past and cannot ruin your present and future....we all go through life learning, experiencing pain and pleasure....we all try to figure out what to do.....dont punish yourself or your wife, for being human....is not wright, life is hard as it is to make it even harder......work on your issues.....love your wife and understand that WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREW UP, and learn and move on......good luck!


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I believe that you have a real problem that can't be solved by simple platitudes like 'the past is the past'. I do completely understand your issues. I will give you my brutally honest opinion.

It is not unusual for men to be a bit obsessive about the things that other guys have done to their 'perfect' wives. For me it's a mixture of complex feelings. I don't believe the past is the past and I don't think that her past is irrelevant. Like my own sexual history, it made her who she is today. It shaped her sexuality which I believe is an important part of a person. I have gone through times where I have been intrigued by her past and part of that was some level of discomfort.

Like men, women have sex for many reasons. Most women like to have sex both physically and it's just sometimes what people NEED. What your wife did is very normal and to be brutally honest, i would be surprised if she got no joy out of it. Your making her feel ashamed of what she did is not good for her sexuality. I wonder if deep down she truly sees all of this as mistakes to be ashamed of. I don't see this as a problem of you accepting her 'mistakes' or her 'flaws'. labelling these as mistakes is not helpful. The idea of 'forgiving' and 'forgetting' her 'mistakes' is as unhealthy as keeping the 'mistakes' at the forefront of your marriage.

You represent less than 15% of the total guys she has had sex with. So whether you like it or not, these other guys are a big part of her sexuality. Don't rob her by condemning her sexual experience and a big part of her sexuality. In a way she blossomed during this time and she should not be ashamed. Many girls have sex with far more guys before they settle down. And she may have as well (5 or 6 is a common 'safe' answer for girls to give even when they have done more). I only say this because you need to be comfortable that she has been sexual and not be so obsessed with what you understand to be the reality represented by this number.

People have different opinions on this but I believe that people need to experiment with sex when they are in their formative years of their sexuality. Not doing this goes against nature and people who don't (i believe) are more susceptible to cheating later because many people feel that they did not experiment and have missed something in their lives. I also believe that your particular problem stems from never having sex during the time that you are programmed as a human to be playing around. I don't know the solution to replacing what was missing in your earlier years but I believe that if you were doing girls while your wife was getting wild you would be much more OK with it. You probably feel like it's not fair that she got yours and you didn't.

So the problem is yours and has nothing to do with her 'mistakes'. She should not feel ashamed about playing around. She was just having fun and doing normal things. Even if you never mention her past again and forgive her, you've already worked with her to categorize it as shameful and a big mistake. It's a shame that she can't be open and honest with you about these times. I'm sure they weren't all great but I'll bet they weren't all bad either. She shouldn't be made to grovel and feel bad about what she did just because you have a problem. In a healthy marriage, she should be able to tell you the good and the bad. What guys made her feel really good and what they did to her. I think that it is important to share like this.

Good luck and I'm sorry that you might not like all that's in my answer but I think that you (and many others replying on this thread) are looking at your problem in the wrong way. It's not about forgiving mistakes.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

couple said:


> Even if you never mention her past again and forgive her, you've already worked with her to categorize it as shameful and a big mistake. It's a shame that she can't be open and honest with you about these times. I'm sure they weren't all great but I'll bet they weren't all bad either.


excellent response....I would like to comment on one aspect thou as just like the OP my wife was first and only sex (we got together at 21yo)....the problem here is that majority of women also have no clue how to deal with this small percentage of men....

for example in my case my wife was ashamed and regretful of her past...well even thou they think they might be helping their husband they are in fact setting up a huge mental dilemman for him, because how can he then not label the sexual promiscuity as a flaw when the wife herself is regreftul about it??!?! you see the paradox developing here? this isnt easy one someone who is already struggling mental and caught with OCD or some other borderline personality dissorder...actually everyone here whos weigh in on this topic should read about "cognitive dissonance" it clearly explains the mental trap that us with this issue go thru....it help me tremendously to understand the mind mechanics behind this issue from an outside and pure technical perspective it became clear to see why I was behaving the way I was...

so I do like to stress that 150% yes this is a mental problem with the OP that he needs to resolve...but unfortunately is not something her wife knows how to deal with either or is in a position to be able to solve and just making her bear complete innocense and non-fault doesnt fix their marriage at all...is BOTH of their problems....thats the key in a MARRIAGE.

another last bit, the one thing about "woman or man sleeping around to whatever extent is ok but then after marriage everyone becomes perfect and clean of their past" doesnt fly too well at all...I would advice anyone on the received end of this conflict to steer clear of this.....makes things worse....while sexual promiscuity might be the norm these days, it is NOT required to have a fulfilling sexual life and marriage....you dont "gotta have it" to become anything special.....is just myth


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Hey,
> 
> I know nothing about OCD.
> 
> ...


I have OCD, and the Doc can give drugs to help it. But while it can be a pain sometimes, having OCD is the best thing that has ever happened to me. If you know how to handle it you can use it as a powerful tool to get things done.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

prc911 said:


> for example in my case my wife was ashamed and regretful of her past...well even thou they think they might be helping their husband they are in fact setting up a huge mental dilemman for him, because how can he then not label the sexual promiscuity as a flaw when the wife herself is regreftul about it??!?!


1. I don't think it's unusual for a woman to communicate their sexual past in terms of mistakes, etc when they are talking about it with their partners. Sexuality is complex and I think the guilt, etc comes out when they are talking to a partner who might not be so comfortable. It's like when a man cheats - he might tell his best friend how great sex is with his lover and then when he admits it to his wife, all of the sudden the sex 'wasn't even that good'. 

2. People change and they look at their sexuality differently at different points in their lives. A woman may need time to come to the point where she can celebrate her past sex life with other men.

My wife also at first told me about her history in terms of it being all 'mistakes' etc. that changed over time as she realized it was OK to have liked it and wanted it. Before it was only because she was self-conscious, low self esteem, etc. In fact, I think it was a combination of coming to terms with it and being honest and partly the way she talked about it with me (with her friends, those times were discussed more as great wild times rather than shameful mistakes). Now she is comfortable enough with her sexuality that she doesn't feel the need to make excuses for why she slept around.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

couple said:


> I believe that you have a real problem that can't be solved by simple platitudes like 'the past is the past'. I do completely understand your issues. I will give you my brutally honest opinion.
> 
> It is not unusual for men to be a bit obsessive about the things that other guys have done to their 'perfect' wives. For me it's a mixture of complex feelings. I don't believe the past is the past and I don't think that her past is irrelevant. Like my own sexual history, it made her who she is today. It shaped her sexuality which I believe is an important part of a person. I have gone through times where I have been intrigued by her past and part of that was some level of discomfort.
> 
> ...


I can say that my husband is different from a lot of men out there. He always does things differently, and he doesn't let society opinion affect his thinking. 

When I told him about my past, (my personality is that I can't hide any secret) he was intrigued, he found it fascinating, he wanted to dig out more, he didn't make me ashamed. He didn't think me any less. Of course, when he told me about his past, his was like nothing compared to mine, but he also felt embarrassed about it, he was worried that I would judge him. I am the last one to judge a person's sex past. 

While we were dating, he just made sure I was a kind woman, he made sure that I wasn't vain, he made sure that my personality qualified the standards he required as his wife. He found all that from me. 

We have been together for about eight years, he has always been enjoying his marriage, everything, sex, money, emotion support................I make sure he has everything. He knows he is one lucky man, he knows he picked up a diamond from a pile of dirt. The diamond was dirty and it was dull. He spotted, he picked it up, he polished it, now it is shiny............................

What does he have now? he has a beautiful, sexy, horny and loving wife. Does anybody know about my past? In my real life, only HIM! He never got bothered, he enjoys what he has!

And be honest, how many women now are still virgins before they get married?


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

I am in the same situation with my husband. we've been married for about 3 and a half years. we're both from religious muslim backgrounds. i've been an observant muslim my whole life and was a virgin until we got married, but he had a phase in high school and college during which he was "astray" and he re-discovered islam shortly before we met. in our case, i've never actually discussed his indiscretions with him; before we got married, he told me that he hasn't always been observant and that he's done things he now regrets, but I didn't press him on the details. i don't even know for a fact whether he has been with anyone else before me, but I'm 99% sure he has been because from the way he touched me the first time we were intimate (the night after we got religiously married) it seemed like he knew his way around a girl. also, he has a very high sex drive, and from some of the things that he asked me to do or wanted to do to me i could tell that he had done them with other girls before me. 

i'll be honest, it's hard for me sometimes; i do get images in my head of him with other girls. but i just try not to think about it. it helps that we have a great sex life between ourselves. though i've never been with another man, i consider myself a very sexual persion and i take it as a matter of pride that i've been able to keep my husband satisfied and happy despite his high sex drive and (probable) past sexual experiences. that helps keep my jealousy and insecurity in check. i've made a conscious decision not to try to delve into my husband's past and i've resisted temptations to ask him about his sex life before he met me. 

i know that might not help you much since you already know some details of your wife's past, but think of it this way: if you satisfy her sexually, then there's no reason for you to feel insecure or jealous. also, if she's genuinely repented and changed her ways, then God has surely forgiven her, and if God forgives, then surely people can forgive. that's a pretty universal concept amongst the major religions, i think.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I feel for OP, and all others suffering guilt, shame, lack of forgiveness, inability to get past things, etc etc all down to religion; there, sorry, inevitably this will cause offence to some, but maybe others will stop and think a little




couple said:


> 1. I don't think it's unusual for a woman to communicate their sexual past in terms of mistakes, etc when they are talking about it with their partners. Sexuality is complex and I think the guilt, etc comes out when they are talking to a partner who might not be so comfortable. It's like when a man cheats - he might tell his best friend how great sex is with his lover and then when he admits it to his wife, all of the sudden the sex 'wasn't even that good'.
> 
> 2. People change and they look at their sexuality differently at different points in their lives. A woman may need time to come to the point where she can celebrate her past sex life with other men.
> 
> My wife also at first told me about her history in terms of it being all 'mistakes' etc. that changed over time as she realized it was OK to have liked it and wanted it. Before it was only because she was self-conscious, low self esteem, etc. In fact, I think it was a combination of coming to terms with it and being honest and partly the way she talked about it with me (with her friends, those times were discussed more as great wild times rather than shameful mistakes). Now she is comfortable enough with her sexuality that she doesn't feel the need to make excuses for why she slept around.


Good post and I hope some men (or indeed women if the boot's on the other foot) prone to the blame game read & inwardly digest


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think some men also get off on a sexual power trip by making their wives grovel for 'being a *****'. They are the noble white knights and their wives are the 'dirty *****s'.

No big deal if it's used as a sex game and she's into it but if it permeates past the bedroom and the game becomes a constant dynamic then it can be pretty harmful to a woman's sexuality.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

To OP:
Speaking as someone who suffers from himself, you sound like you have low self-esteem. I would say in all honesty, this isn't your wife's "problem" but yours. I understand and can appreciate how you feel. My wife and I are the opposite, she never really reached past second base with any guy before she met me, but I had "been" with other women before I met her. My wife doesn't really have self-esteem issues so my past doesn't really bother her, but I do have suffer from low self-esteem, so just the fact that some guy reached second base with her will annoy me from time to time (I know its dumb). So I do empathize with you.

That being said, as someone who has been with other women, NOTHING can compare to the level of intimacy and passion that I have shared with my wife as to the others. Yes as the time, some of those experiences were "hot" or whatever, but with the benefit of hindsight, nothing nothing NOTHING can compare to how the amazing the sex is with my wife. 

So my advice is this. What's done is done, we can't change the past, but we can change how we let it affect us. It seems like your wife's one wild year in college is bothering you much more than it affects her. Don't let it become a detriment to your marriage, and recognize that your issues with her previous partners aren't with her, but more in fact with yourself. Appreciate and be grateful that you have a loving woman who only wants to be with you - there are a lot of men out there who cannot say the same.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

When you start thinking about it, do this:

Sit down, take a deep breath and picture yourself mentally stepping away from the problem in order to examine it. 

Have an internal monologue with yourself "OK, so here is the problem. What can I do about it? Nothing. Thus it's pointless to worry about it, thus it's pointless to think about it." Mentally throw the thoughts away.

Examine, deem it useless, throw it away. Examine, deem it useless, throw it away.

Rinse and repeat every time you get drawn to those thoughts. Eventually they are going to go away.


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