# Lonely and less sex



## Mamabear6 (Dec 5, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for 4years and we now have a beautiful daughter who is almost two. Before marriage and baby, our sex life was great. I thunk after I had the baby he wasn’t as attracted to me as he was before. He doesn’t touch me any more, no oral. Mostly pur sex is in the bathroom after work while we shower. We at least do that 2x a week, but really depends. It was just sex. No more romance or intimacy. It was just sex to get off. I feel so unlive everytime I try to be more romantic or intimate, he rejects me. I tried to ask him why he would not guve me oral any more, but he wont say why or why he stopped. We had a huge fight about it and he ended up doing it once and I thought it would continue, but no. I just feel rejected and undesirable most of the time. I know he loves me, but I need something physical too. I am heartbroken. Please advise me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Was he there when you first gave birth? By your side?


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## Mamabear6 (Dec 5, 2017)

Yeah, he was there during birth. We actually just got married too last august. He sometimes shows me he loves me but most of the time he makes me feel rejected too and unlove. I dont know if he is aware, but he and I had a talk before, but still nothing changed


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Have you spoken to your husband about your need for non-sexual affection? When I first started dating my husband he didn’t do cuddles after sex. That was important to me. Even now he does need reminding, but he is more aware of my need for affection. 

Maybe affection is one of the important ways you feel love so when your quest for that affection is rejected it hits you harder. 
Does your husband refuse to go down o you because he’s still traumatized from being at the birth of your child?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Children can be a huge stress to a marriage. Also, some men have difficulty seeing their partners as both mothers and sexual beings. Do you think this is part of the problem for him?


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## Mamabear6 (Dec 5, 2017)

I don’t think he was ever traumatized, I had a Csection, although I went through 28hours of labor. He was there the while time. Also I fogot to mentioned n, a month after we got married, i found him going online and talking to women online. He said he never would do anything physical. He stopped it and it was just for like a week. I feel sometimes that I am not attractive enough anymore. I try to, but Seem like failing. Sometimes i would wait for him to get home so we can shower together and then he would not even wanna have sex with me.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Be honest, are you looking after yourself or have you let yourself go? 

Society likes to bash men who don't find overweight people unattractive but for many (probably the majority) of men, it's not particularly attractive.

If you are overweight, start a proper exercise regime and eat well. 

Trust me - he will notice.

If you aren't overweight, I say MC.


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## Mamabear6 (Dec 5, 2017)

I honestly don’t think so, he is a great dad and he always tells me how great I am too being a mom. I think he is not attracted to me as he was before.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Mamabear6 said:


> Yeah, he was there during birth. We actually just got married too last august. He sometimes shows me he loves me but most of the time he makes me feel rejected too and unlove. I dont know if he is aware, but he and I had a talk before, but still nothing changed


I read a similar story on here before, not saying it's going to be like your case, but the husband after witnessing his wife have a child, could not get what he saw out of his mind when he looked at his wife, and hence the start of a sexless marriage. But we are guessing right now.

Your husband needs to open up about it, and he may be silent about it because he believes that it may hurt you. Talk with him, lightly interrogate him, maybe even share your suspicions to get him to talk. You need to know what happened - especially since you can pinpoint the time it all changed.


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## Mamabear6 (Dec 5, 2017)

I gained very little weight and do eat healthy, i did get streched marks ,but doesnt seem like it botheres him, because when he is sweet, he would even rub my belly lol.


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## Mamabear6 (Dec 5, 2017)

I did try to talk to him, I asked him and he cannot give me an answer. We had this conversation many times. He wont give me oral or touch me down there. We will have sex, and i will give him oral and go straight to having sex to finish. I dont get pleased.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Mamabear6 said:


> I did try to talk to him, I asked him and he cannot give me an answer. We had this conversation many times. He wont give me oral or touch me down there. We will have sex, and i will give him oral and go straight to having sex to finish. I dont get pleased.


Maybe you could please yourself after he finishes. I know a couple, the husband of which refuses to go down on the wife. Ive also been out with guys who refuse to perform oral sex. More common than you think. Just let him know that’s what you’re going to do from now on.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> *Maybe you could please yourself after he finishes*. I know a couple, the husband pf which refuses to go down on the wife. Ive also been out with guys who refuse to perform oral sex. Just let him know that’s what you’re going to do from now on.


Lol, that's awesome. 
Im not sure it will fix anything though.

There is something much deeper going on in this relationship casing this problem.

How has your communication changed during your marriage? 
Communication is key to resolving everything.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

poida said:


> pragmaticGoddess said:
> 
> 
> > *Maybe you could please yourself after he finishes*. I know a couple, the husband pf which refuses to go down on the wife. Ive also been out with guys who refuse to perform oral sex. Just let him know that’s what you’re going to do from now on.
> ...


Yes there’s definitely more to this. The OP’s self worth is dependent on how her husband desires her sexually.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Lots of couples starting out in life do not really know or appreciate the other spouse's love language. There is a book titled "The five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is a real popular book about BASIC likes that make a person happier if they get something related to "their own" particular desires.

As a man I have to chime in on the idea that some men think of theiw wife more as a mother after the birth of a child. Some men see how much work bearing a child and feel slightly guilty because they were part of getting the W pregnant, maybe some morning sikness, frequent trips to the toilet, and then the seriousness of delivery. They might feel a little guilty for putting the w through all of that even they intellectually know all of this stuff is going to happen. The W goes from the sex play toy to mother status. Your H needs to think of you as a MILF.

Also tell him what you need to orgasm ("O") and say his "O" is as important as your "O" and give him a list of the things that get you there. Let him decide which items to pick from your list. Tell him you are not being critical, and that you are just trying to be helpful so the sex works for both of you and you want sex to be fun and enjoyable for both of you for a long time. It takes 2 people to make sex work in the long run so tell him what you like. Stay away from what you don't like unless it really is a downer.

Some guys have ideas of what works for women in general but let him know women vary in a vary large range and that what works for one woman, often does not work for another woman. Some guys THINK they should know what works so they feel embarrassed when they DON'T know, but won't ask.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mamabear6 said:


> I did try to talk to him, *I asked him and he cannot give me an answer*. We had this conversation many times. He wont give me oral or touch me down there. We will have sex, and i will give him oral and go straight to having sex to finish. I dont get pleased.


If you want to really communicate, the two of you need to "communicate."

Just because he can't talk about it is no reason for you to drop an important discussion. You can calmly tell him your marriage is in crisis and the two of you need to discuss the topic, if he can't handle it then, you can suggest another day after he has thought about the problem/issue when you will both discuss this. That is a skill a good marriage counselor might teach you.

Good luck.


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