# My wife is never satisfied....



## Buffalo_Pat

In the last eightteen months my wife and have gotten married, gotten pregnant, bought a house, and had our child. My baby is now two months old and my wife is already talking about how she wants more children, she wants to switch shifts at work, how she wants a bigger house. Basically she always wants more.

We had a conversation where I pleaded with her to relax and enjoy what we have for a little while but she is always sulking around the house like she is completely unhappy and complaining about everything she can. I don't know what to do anymore because I feel like she is no longer satisfied with me or our marriage because I want some time to relax before we jump into something new.

Any advice?


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## Hicks

You should embrace what you have, with pleasure, satisfaction, optimisim and happiness.

If she complains about those things you have and appreciate in life, tell her to stop it. And, if she doesn't stop it, remove yourself from her presence until she acts in a way that her values line up with yours.


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## RoseRed

Hicks said:


> You should embrace what you have, with pleasure, satisfaction, optimisim and happiness.
> 
> If she complains about those things you have and appreciate in life, tell her to stop it. And, if she doesn't stop it, remove yourself from her presence until she acts in a way that her values line up with yours.


I whole heartedly disagree on one principle... no one should demand that anothers values line up with another. Apparently the OP's W is eager for a larger family, and to grow. What you suggest is emotional blackmail to a very precious core of each of us.

The need to get together and talk about a plan. 

No one should EVER demand anyone to change their values, beliefs, or morals.


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## michzz

I take it none of these issues were talked about before you married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk

Buffalo_Pat said:


> In the last eightteen months my wife and have gotten married, gotten pregnant, bought a house, and had our child. My baby is now two months old and my wife is already talking about how she wants more children, she wants to switch shifts at work, how she wants a bigger house. Basically she always wants more.
> 
> We had a conversation where I pleaded with her to relax and enjoy what we have for a little while but she is always sulking around the house like she is completely unhappy and complaining about everything she can. I don't know what to do anymore because I feel like she is no longer satisfied with me or our marriage because I want some time to relax before we jump into something new.
> 
> Any advice?


You've married an entitlement princess. The more you give her the worse she'll get. It's called Fitness Testing.

Tell her she's being a miserable ***** and needs to start behaving better.


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## SimplyAmorous

Buffalo_Pat said:


> In the last eightteen months my wife and have gotten married, gotten pregnant, bought a house, and had our child. My baby is now two months old and my wife is already talking about how she wants more children, she wants to switch shifts at work, how she wants a bigger house. Basically she always wants more.
> 
> We had a conversation where I pleaded with her to relax and enjoy what we have for a little while but she is always sulking around the house like she is completely unhappy and complaining about everything she can. I don't know what to do anymore because I feel like she is no longer satisfied with me or our marriage because I want some time to relax before we jump into something new.
> 
> Any advice?


 

You both need to be on the same page in these things. Surely before you married, she realized , as a couple, you start out small and work your way up, start saving $$, so you can afford a nice chunk down on a dream house, a bigger house, whatever it may be. More Kids. The last thing you want to do is get yourself in a bunch of credit card debt -running too far ahead on things -as this will only bring tremendous pressure on you both to work and pay it all off. Immeidate satisfaction is just NOT worth what comes along with it . 

Sit down with her, do a realistic budget, see where you are financially . Start cutting things that you won't miss - so you & she can save $$, working towards these things -if indeed you want more children, the bigger house to raise them? 

Me & my husband started out married- pregnant within 3 months, his low income job in a Grocery Store kept us afloat, but we saved every living dime to acheive our dreams. I wanted a large family also (talked about that many times while dating) but I did my part & then some to not complain as we changed a couples house , alot of hard work- putting on roofs, digging ditches, installing furnaces, windows, you name it , and being Mrs Frugality so we could afford every addition ,every bill & mortage payment that came along with it. 

My husband never felt I asked too much cause I did my part. We ended up with 6 kids, he landed a better job half way through this, also a house big enough for all of them- we managed to be debt free by the time we had our last child - and did it all on 1 income. 

Sit down together...find out if you have a shared vision on your future, devise a workable plan , get her onboard with saving to acheive these dreams -to make it all become a reality. Are they shared or one sided ? It takes alot of sacrifice, patience, hard work and dedication, but the rewards are tremendous.


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## RoseRed

Atholk said:


> You've married an entitlement princess. The more you give her the worse she'll get. It's called Fitness Testing.
> 
> Tell her she's being a miserable ***** and needs to start behaving better.


Malarky!

He is then just as much an entitlement prince... he just want what he wants and is happy just to switch into glide. 

Neither are a viable solution and a open, honest conversation in love needs to be worked through so that they can come to an understanding. 

He is behaving just as badly by not addressing and dismissing his wife's core belief's.


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## avenrandom

RoseRed said:


> Malarky!
> 
> He is then just as much an entitlement prince... he just want what he wants and is happy just to switch into glide.
> 
> He is behaving just as badly by not addressing and dismissing his wife's core belief's.


I don't think he gave nearly enough of his story to turn this back on him. If her core belief is "have a bucket load of kids", that's one thing, but what if the logistics simply don't work out? If he's dismissing his wife, then why is he here looking for advice?


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## Sawney Beane

avenrandom said:


> I don't think he gave nearly enough of his story to turn this back on him. If her core belief is "have a bucket load of kids", that's one thing, but what if the logistics simply don't work out? If he's dismissing his wife, then why is he here looking for advice?


I think RoseRed is replying more to AtholK than the OP.



RoseRed said:


> Malarky!
> 
> He is then just as much an entitlement prince... he just want what he wants and is happy just to switch into glide.
> 
> Neither are a viable solution and a open, honest conversation in love needs to be worked through so that they can come to an understanding.
> 
> He is behaving just as badly by not addressing and dismissing his wife's core belief's.


RoseRed, you have to understand that what AtholK wrote is the underlying ethos of a lot of what he writes - that basically women spend their entire time asking for things / acting in certain ways not because they want them but in order to "fitness test" their men, and that if the man doesn't deflect this perfectly every time, he will be emasculated and the wife will become bored with him.


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## AFEH

RoseRed said:


> I whole heartedly disagree on one principle... no one should demand that anothers values line up with another. Apparently the OP's W is eager for a larger family, and to grow. What you suggest is emotional blackmail to a very precious core of each of us.
> 
> The need to get together and talk about a plan.
> 
> No one should EVER demand anyone to change their values, beliefs, or morals.


Seems to me that Mrs Buffalo_Pat was the first one to demand that he change his core values. And she’s got all hissy because he wont. She needs to grow up, learn to be happy in the present time with what she has, delay her gratifications until they can afford them and plan and work together to make their dreams come true! Otherwise she’ll either make his life hell or drive him away. And if she cannot be happy right now, in the present time then she will never be happy, she’ll never be satisfied, contented.

You’re not married, right? If not it is understandable that you do not know that marriage is a lot about negotiating those core values and beliefs in a mature way. Not stamping your feet up and down “demanding”. But all marriages fail because of a sometimes titanic clash of core values and beliefs and many are made unhappy and miserable because of those clashes. It is called incompatibility.


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## AFEH

Buffalo_Pat said:


> In the last eightteen months my wife and have gotten married, gotten pregnant, bought a house, and had our child. My baby is now two months old and my wife is already talking about how she wants more children, she wants to switch shifts at work, how she wants a bigger house. Basically she always wants more.
> 
> We had a conversation where I pleaded with her to relax and enjoy what we have for a little while but she is always sulking around the house like she is completely unhappy and complaining about everything she can. I don't know what to do anymore because I feel like she is no longer satisfied with me or our marriage because I want some time to relax before we jump into something new.
> 
> Any advice?


What plans do you have? Have you sat down together to plan your child’s education? How many children do you want? Did you have a plan for 2011? Will you review your 2011 plan before you make your plans for 2012. Do you have five year plans, ten year plans? Do you have a plan for how and when you are going to retire?

Do you have dreams, visions of the future? If not then maybe it’s time for the two of you to sit down together and talk of your dreams. It is so important to have the same dreams for your family. If you do then you can plan and work as a team together to make your dreams come true. If your dreams are very incompatible and you cannot compromise then you have very big problems.

Be the leader in these things. Discover what the totality of your dreams and aspirations are, make compromises where necessary, make plans and make the plans happen.


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## Hicks

RoseRed said:


> I whole heartedly disagree on one principle... no one should demand that anothers values line up with another. Apparently the OP's W is eager for a larger family, and to grow. What you suggest is emotional blackmail to a very precious core of each of us.
> 
> The need to get together and talk about a plan.
> 
> No one should EVER demand anyone to change their values, beliefs, or morals.


His value: Appreciate what you have in life. Her value: complain about what you don't have in life.

Those are the values I am referring to that need to line up. And, I never said demand. I told him to remove himself from her presence until she behaves in a positive and optimistic fashion. 

Values are not the number of children.


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## Halien

Why did this immediately get hijacked into a thread about core values? That doesn't appear to be what the OP was saying. My wife frets continuously about every detail of the future. When the children were young, she stayed up at night stressing over the potential problems. Is the house big enough? Will her job hours hurt the kids? Sometimes, I had to remind her that we have children who are at a really enjoyable phase in their life, and maybe she should take half a second to enjoy them. It had absolutely nothing to do with a core values discussion. We were largely in agreement with core values. It had to do with stress and anxiety.

Before bringing in our own personal assumptions, maybe we can ask the OP for more details?

If this is, as Buffalo_Pat said, an issue of stressing over things instead of relaxing to enjoy the moment, his wife will likely become the one who suffers. Twenty years later, I'm the only one between my wife and me who remembers the little details of our kid's lives. My wife remembers that my daughter began to turn orange because she only liked foods that happened to be high in beta-carotine, but she mourns the fact that she can't remember how incredibly fun it was to create sneaky ways to get her to eat green peas, and other options. She never even knew why our son developed an interest in drawing as a toddler, because her attention was fixated on worrying about making his room bigger. So much of their childhood is a blur to my wife. If I wasn't a constant reminder, I don't think she would've even been aware that she missed so much in her constant quest to worry. 

Our marriage therapist said that this type of worrier will often even begin to question her husband's ability to provide happiness, and then so much of her mental energy gets focused on getting out. The sad part is that if many of them were to slow down and enjoy the moment, they begin to realize that it isn't as bad as they thought.


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## Enchantment

Buffalo_Pat said:


> In the last eightteen months my wife and have gotten married, gotten pregnant, bought a house, and had our child. My baby is now two months old and my wife is already talking about how she wants more children, she wants to switch shifts at work, how she wants a bigger house. Basically she always wants more.
> 
> We had a conversation where I pleaded with her to relax and enjoy what we have for a little while but she is always sulking around the house like she is completely unhappy and complaining about everything she can. I don't know what to do anymore because I feel like she is no longer satisfied with me or our marriage because I want some time to relax before we jump into something new.
> 
> Any advice?



Yes. First, quit pleading. Drop the 'p' and turn it in to 'leading'. 

You start leading. Sit down with the wife, and talk about the timeline of your family life together. Come up with a timeline that you can both agree to. If budget reasons don't allow for a larger house right now, then state that and stick to it.

Go and read the sticky thread at the top of the Men's Clubhouse and pay special attention to the 'Fitness Testing' one.

Best wishes.


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## Laurae1967

I am guessing that your wife is suffereing from the blues.

She had a TON of excitement and changes in a short amount of time. Now that the wedding is over, she's had the baby, and she got the house, she may feel that "let down" that many people feel after big events.

She may have some depression and she may also be the type of person who is always searching for the next big thing as a way to not deal with issues. Some people mistakenly believe that if you just keep running, your can escape your unhappiness. And she may have some from her past/childhood.

It is important in marriage to NOT criticize your partner for her feelings. Both of you have a right to your feelings, wants and desires. That is not to say that your wife calls all the shots. Buying a bigger house and having more kids is a decision that needs to be made TOGETHER, not unilaterally.

I would suggest (as I almost always do!) that you and your wife see a marriage counselor who is a psychologist. The MC can help you both be heard and can help you both learn how to understand each other better. I think that what is going on with your wife is not her trying to be a "selfish beeoch" as someone said, but rather she's trying to deal with something in the only way she knows how right now - which is trying to move on to the next big thing. This probably serves as a distraction for her so she doesn't have to deal with her feelings (whatever they are).


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## Enchantment

Laurae brings up some good points.

With a baby only 2 months old, could your wife be suffering from post-partum depression? It might be something that needs to be checked out by her doctor.

Postpartum Depression Symptoms: PPD, Baby Blues, and Postpartum Psychosis


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## okeydokie

wants and needs all have to align with practicality. i know alot of people who wanted something, went and somehow got it, then couldnt afford it. values arent necessarily what the OP is talking about


my wife and i desperately need a bigger house, but it just isnt practical


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## Halien

Laurae1967 said:


> I am guessing that your wife is suffereing from the blues.
> 
> She had a TON of excitement and changes in a short amount of time. Now that the wedding is over, she's had the baby, and she got the house, she may feel that "let down" that many people feel after big events.
> 
> She may have some depression and she may also be the type of person who is always searching for the next big thing as a way to not deal with issues. Some people mistakenly believe that if you just keep running, your can escape your unhappiness. And she may have some from her past/childhood.
> 
> It is important in marriage to NOT criticize your partner for her feelings. Both of you have a right to your feelings, wants and desires. That is not to say that your wife calls all the shots. Buying a bigger house and having more kids is a decision that needs to be made TOGETHER, not unilaterally.
> 
> I would suggest (as I almost always do!) that you and your wife see a marriage counselor who is a psychologist. The MC can help you both be heard and can help you both learn how to understand each other better. I think that what is going on with your wife is not her trying to be a "selfish beeoch" as someone said, but rather she's trying to deal with something in the only way she knows how right now - which is trying to move on to the next big thing. This probably serves as a distraction for her so she doesn't have to deal with her feelings (whatever they are).


Great points! In my wife's case, her stress and fretting was part of her tendency to be a perfectionist, which was usually a good thing. Once she saw that I was only trying to help her find the same joy that she often praised me for, we found ways to discuss it without it sounding like criticism.


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## RoseRed

Sawney Beane said:


> I think RoseRed is replying more to AtholK than the OP.
> 
> 
> 
> RoseRed, you have to understand that what AtholK wrote is the underlying ethos of a lot of what he writes - that basically women spend their entire time asking for things / acting in certain ways not because they want them but in order to "fitness test" their men, and that if the man doesn't deflect this perfectly every time, he will be emasculated and the wife will become bored with him.


My apoligies for the hijacking...

Values from each spouse are equally important...and a discussion between the couple is definately warranted for completely understanding anda game plan.

As for AtholK philosophies, I respectfully, and whole heartedly disagree with his concept. They lack logos, ethos and pathos, very short sighted and generalistic. It reminds me of the Peanuts cartoon of Lucy's Psychiatric help booth. I find them to be very misleading and a disservice to be promoted.

blessings to all..


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## Conrad

RoseRed,

It's always amusing to note people who see something work in practice and wonder whether it will work in theory.


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## lisa3girls

Hicks said:


> You should embrace what you have, with pleasure, satisfaction, optimisim and happiness.
> 
> If she complains about those things you have and appreciate in life, tell her to stop it. And, if she doesn't stop it, remove yourself from her presence until she acts in a way that her values line up with yours.


I agree, my husband is chronically dissastisfied... in a different way I guess, but still I get a similar message, it is draining


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## ReasonableMan

I've faced this issue with my wife as well. She's definitely gotten used to taking notice of what she doesn't have and then complaining, rather than being thankful for what we do have. 

I've found that one of the best ways to deal with the situation when it comes up is to talk calmly about what it is we have and should be thankful for. This enables us to have a discussion rather than just parrying her complaint and pretending there isn't an issue. She likes this because then she knows she's being heard.

But it also helps her to see that complaining and demanding more all the time is a negative behavior. She was raised by parents who dealt with her strong personality by buying things for her whenever she demanded them. We've been together for 15 years and I'm sure we'll always deal with this tendency (and of course I'm not perfect either). But just taking the time to talk about what we do have really helps the situation quite a bit.


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## Sawney Beane

Conrad said:


> RoseRed,
> 
> It's always amusing to note people who see something work in practice and wonder whether it will work in theory.


But we only ever hear about successes with his method. If it was successful for 100% of the people 100% of the time, he wouldn't be wasting his time here with us. 

But then again, if "_get your wife to have sex with you_" = success _AND_ "_if your wife won't have sex with you, leave her_" = success, I'm not sure what the metric for "failure" actually is!:rofl:


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## Conrad

I'm always struck by how unique senses of humor apparently are.


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## Sawney Beane

Conrad said:


> I'm always struck by how unique senses of humor apparently are.


I bet you are.


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## Trenton

Talk to your wife about why she feels the need to keep on with the constant changes. What's going on with her? Why isn't she happy with where you're at? Why can't the two of you plan your lives out in a practical way that is feasible and best for your growing family? Why does she overestimate the importance of her own needs while not taking into consideration your needs?


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## Trenton

Sawney Beane said:


> I bet you are.


Well, I thought it was funny too so you're not alone!


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## MadeMiserable

Im in similar position, we married about 18 months ago. Wife moved from her country to the uk to be with me, she got pregnant, always wanting a child, as i did too. I moved house on her request, at a time we could not really afford to do so, but i wanted her to be happy, so i struggled to make it a reality.We had a beautifull baby last month, and since the babys birth the wife has been on one. shes never satisfied with anything i do, and always looking and starting an argument. Examples, shes annoyed if i sleep at night while she has had to be awake looking after the baby. Ill wash dishes,clean kitchen,clean whole house, go shopping, cook food, pay all the bills,home rent, buy everything and more for baby and her, with nothing left for myself, not even a pair of shoes, (walking around in shoes with soles falling off) while i have to buy her dozens of shoes, bags, clothes, flowers, chocolates, expensive perfume, meals, drinks,pay for her entertainment.ect.ect.ect She do get a small amount of money from renting her previous appartment, which she spends entirly on her hobby. an argument will start like today where i had documents to fill in, immediatly she got the hump because i said i cant take care of the baby atm because these were important or we would be homeless. I had to then go out to submit the documents and pay our housing rent, then go shopping for food. upon returning, i sat down and immediatly she started "im hungry and want dinner" i said "well ive been busy, why dont you finish that food you started to cook yesterday" I then added "you started it yesterday and then left it so you could go on facebook with your friends" her reply was "well you take 3 hours to cook" i returned it with "ive not spent that time cooking since before babys birth,if i did not cook yesterday after you said you would cook, we would not have eaten anything" Ivs still not had breakfast or anything at all to eat by this time and it was then (today) 17:00 just then she spurted "i dont bring up things from half a day ago, so why do you" fighting to get a word in i replied "so whats with me spending 3 hours cooking then for a month ago"...We have very little money now, im the sole provider for her and our baby, a few days ago she asked me why ive not bought her things like i used to...????

Im loosing my mind with this woman,,,, is this post natal pshchosis she is suffering with? oh annother thing we almost had our baby taken into care "said the midwife" because of babys high weight loss due to fact wife refused me from getting formular as she could/cant produce enough breastmilk" we had a fight about this, but i had to get midwife to help convince her to allow me to buy baby formular.

This is not the woman she was a month ago and most certinly not the woman i fell in love with.

I still love her deeply, but im really worn down by this.

Can anyone please advise, im at my wits end not knowing how or what to do.


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## anotherguy

Made_Miserable - welcome!.

Hey - this thread is 18 months old. Maybe start a brand new thread with this post. Just copy and paste. Im sure you are going to get lots of suggestions....


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## MadeMiserable

Thanks!


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