# What's going on with your former in-laws



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I miss the rest of my family. I was married a long time, I was a good daughter in law and auntie. It's so hard to give all that up too. Now there is another woman and they are making it work with her.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I don't think you should have to give up being an auntie. Can't you have contact wih SIL or BIL to occassionally see your nephew or niece?


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Oh, I do see them occassionly, we chat on FB, I visit. It's just things like birthdays and holidays are gone now. You lose so much more than just your spouse


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you dating?


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I have, why?


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

My whole former family, including one of my sons, is going to Florida for my former MIL's 75th birthday in March, and the new girlfriend is going. Makes me crazy to think about


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

MIL had hip replacement.

SIL still living with 3rd husband (love of her life whose cheated on her at least twice.

BIL- I work with and off sick. SIL rather too keen on my FB page and passing comments onto XH till I deleted at Christmas.

In other words- still totally disfunctional.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I still talk to ex-exSIL. She divorced her husband, my ex's brother in 2012...for cheating. They had 4 kids, 3 of them were under 10.

xMIL and xFIL are pastors at a church and xMIL does nothing but brag about her son's and what great boys they are.

An aunt asked one time "You mean the ones that abandoned their families? Like xBIL who left his 4 kids for another woman?"

That shut up xMIL real quick. But I'm sure she excuses it. She was a cheater herself.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Ugh, sorry about your families. I really loved my in-laws


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

One of the hardest parts of getting divorced is the loss of my in laws. Like you, I am very close to my in laws and will miss the holidays and family events. Very close to both SILs and BILs. I still do lots of happy things with all of them but am starting to wean them so it is not so awkward as the divorce becomes near final. MIL and I bring my daughter to cracker barrel once a month or so for dinner to catch up and visit. Still vacation with SIL and all the kids each year for our beach week and continue to do daily trips to Disney and buscg gardens with them.

Ex is very hidden and hardly interacts with his family but I believe that will change when the final judgement comes in. That will be the final loss of this painful, devastating chapter of my life.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Me too...i really cherished Thanksgiving and the family reunion that my exes family had. I dont have any family other than my kids, so if I dont have them, I go solo.

In my case, my ex MIL and XW have pretty much cut themselves off from the rest of their family (X had a BF ETC) so they wouldnt have to discuss the reason why we got D. So, I have been in contact with a couple of the X family, and THINK they are basically on my side, though, they are her family...and all that entails.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

The ex in-law situation has been really hard on me also, especially since my ex-MIL lives next door to me. Holidays are especially hard. We always had large family gatherings at my ex-MIL's and now I just get to see the family gatherings from a distance and it hurts. One of my exH's aunts even called me last October to beg me to come to the family reunion. His mother did also. I am just not ready for that and not sure I will ever be. I know they all still love me and they tell me often. However, the pain of seeing them accept his affair partner with open arms is very painful also. 

Divorce affects the whole family. I know it's hard on my son also to go to these family events with me sitting next door but I encourage him to go. I wish I was the type of person that could go and just be normal but I despise the OW too much to do that right now. 

Our son is getting married in June and I know I will have to see the OW and I will be on my best behavior that day for sure.

Don't get me wrong I still visit my ex-MIL and ex-SIL often, still mow her yard, pay for her garbage service and take out her trash cans twice a week among other things. In the year since we have been divorced my exH has not one time thanked me for still looking after his mother He hasn't really done anything for her since and he is the one who insisted she move next door 12 years ago. I don't mind doing things for her but an acknowledgment from her son would be nice. Don't see that ever coming however.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Oh boy, BBMom, that would be very tough. I have been invited to go to the family events, and I think my exH would probably still be ok with it, but especially since there is a new girlfriend, I don't think I can do it. I went to a niece's grad party last summer, but only after I made sure he would wait until I was gone. I doubt if that will happen for too much longer. My nieces and nephews insist I will always be their aunt, but I just can't imagine a time when I can stand to be in the company of ex while he is with his girlfriend. My oldest son is expecting to get married soon, I know the day is coming where I will have to share that event with exH and his girlfriend. My youngest will graduate from college this Spring, ex and I will attend, along with our other son, hoping no more tickets become available, unless we can give them to the grandmothers! I am grateful that at least my kids are grown and I don't need to do any trade offs. I text and talk to my exMIL about once a month, and truthfully, I have been letting it go longer since its so hard for her not to talk about her son


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No affairs here, I just cannot begin to imagine how painful this would be to those involved, sorry for your pain.

As for my situation, well sadly my MIL passed away the year ex and I separated. I had no nephews/nieces on my ex's side as his sister never had kids.

We are amicable though so we still attend family events together. My ex has not re partnered (4 years since separation) but I would not have a problem going to events if he was there with a partner.
I have re partnered and we have an all in situation, me, my ex and our kids, my partner and his kids. All sorts of various combinations go to family events depending on what and where they are.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I guess it makes a difference on how the D goes. I didn't want it AT ALL, so it just makes me crazy to see exH and not be with him. I know everyone expects me to be okay with it all someday, and who knows, I might be someday, just not now. I lost all kinds of things in this D. I write in my journal everyday 5 things I am grateful for, just to try to keep perspective


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Divorce doesn't always mean you terminate good relationships with former in-laws.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I am still in touch with many of them, I just miss the big holidays. And its uncomfortable for them, they try to be careful about talking about ex, but they slip up, then feel bad.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

SH, I understand your sadness about this. my ex just got remarried and most of her relatives that I had come to like and respect, even love were in town but neither I nor they made any effort to contact each other. Her parents I still see on occassion when I pick up or drop off my son there (every 4-6 months or so). My BIL and SIL (my rakhi sister) and their daughters (one of which I never did get the chance to meet) were here from the coast and I never saw them.

Thinking of the relationship they are forming with the new guy is giving me a surreal kind of sadness.

I think for me it is easier to detach than to work at maintaining relationships with them. And because they too have detached rather than trying to maintain a relationship, I think it is healthier also.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I have been forbidden to contact my ex MIL; she sent me a card and money after I left him and expressed her sadness at not having me in the family. She is a lovely woman but quite old and not doing well. I let kiddo have extra time with her grandmother on occasion although I hate that ex is part of the deal; I hope he isn't exaggerating her health to sucker me in to letting her visit more often but in this case I'd rather err on the side of consideration.

They were great people (FIL died a long time ago) and I also enjoyed all of the extended family, especially my SIL (his brother's wife) but alas the drama was too much and ex sent them a C&D letter to terminate all contact with them and even tho it isn't legally enforceable, they didn't have the money or inclination to fight. I sent holiday cards and presents for a while and finally accepted it isn't to be. Kiddo occasionally sees her two cousins at least. She enjoys one of them.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

The losses continue...I will continue to see some of them, lose some. I messages my ex today, bad I know, but sometimes it's too hard. I told him how sad I was to know I am missing out on a big family get together for his mom's 75th birthday, that I saw our son last night and how weird it is that he saw him the day before. He told me he gets sad when I send him these notes and could I please stop. Yikes, I'm sad every day


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

I am on good terms with my ex in-laws. But for the last two years it's been slowly less and less contact. I still send a card for Christmas and birthdays. I got nothing from them, but I will continue to be nice and civil towards them. I want to teach my boys to always take the high road.
OTH, when we found out my dad has cancer none of them called to ask how he was doing. But that is on them. I guess it's the shame of what their daughter did...they don't even have contact with some of their own family. Sometimes I feel bad for them, they isolated themselves completely from the outside world...oh well...life goes on.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Right, I only have one Uncle and he just passed away. The ex knows, but probably didn't tell the rest of the in laws. I am pretty sure my exMIL would contact me about that. But otherwise, like you, a card, the occasion text. I did visit with my niece and her kids this weekend, at their Mom's house, it was so nice to see them. The 5 year old was so happy to see me, it was great


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Im very blessed to still be in contact with the better part of my exs family. I miss being an aunty but not big loss as I never got along with the mother and father. I get to keep my BIL and SIL who just call me their sister. Alot of love still there. Since my exs dad and step mum split recently, I didn't expect his dad to turn up at my boys birthday party this weekend but he was there so thats good. I told him he is welcome anytime. I know he takes his sons side more now and trying to be apart of his life and I understand that but there is no need for him not to feel welcome as he has always made me feel welcome into his home in the past even after we split.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm now a virtual outsider to XW's family. I saw one of her college-aged nephews, who I had actually been pretty close to during the separation, and he was very stand-offish and greatly unlike himself. He even treated my youngest son the same way, so there's no telling what my skanky XW has told her family about us. You can bet your sweet backside though, that she ain't exactly told them anything about either of her out-of-town tryst's with her FB boyfriends during our marriage!

IC told me not to contact them during the separation phase, but said that after the divorce culminated, it would be OK to contact them, just so long as I never mentioned anything divorce related to them!

Keep in mind that these people greatly modeled my own family, and I grew extremely close to them. And that's something that you just can't up and forget overnight!*


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Talked to my former MIL today, just makes me so sad. She talks about the big family trip coming up and I start to cry. I know she knows I am sad, but its better for her to act like I should be over it. Its just too hard. I feel badly, she knows I saw my SIL and her kids, right near her as well as her sister, but I guess I just need the space. Maybe one day ,or maybe not. She asked me if I would have my son's graduation party here at the family home if I am still living in it. I said no way. How could I do that, it just means that the new girlfriend would need to come here, no way. I don't know how anyone does this when you have young kids. Keep going, one day at a time


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l never fitted in with mine so that side of things is one thing l do like about this.
They were ok people l guess , l just never fitted in. Didn't like MIL much either , FIL was ok , very quiet , extremely straight and propperish , near impossible to talk to , total opposite to my dad. 

We've had no contact at all , not even the B oR SIL's .

l Saw MIL over at W's one day when l dropped of D , a wk later the FIL turned up. That was the first time , very weird. MIL l'm sure thinks she has her daughter and G/daughter now all to herself. FIL hardly said boo which is pretty typical.
W reckons they won't butt in or give any opinions on anything us , fair enough !

Can't say as l missem , Christmas's were pretty painful , don't miss that with them.

lt must be hard though for those that were close.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry, OP for you feeling down. It does suck seeing a new person being taken in by the former in-laws. In time though, it will hurt less.



stillhoping said:


> Ugh, sorry about your families. I really loved my in-laws


Me, too. They are so wonderful. They live in Europe so it's not like I got to see them all the time but they really are so sweet and kind. I loved when we'd visit and vice versa. They are so cute.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I have been forbidden to contact my ex MIL
> 
> alas the drama was too much and ex sent them a C&D letter to terminate all contact with them


Oh my gosh. WTF?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I have been forbidden to contact my ex MIL; she sent me a card and money after I left him and expressed her sadness at not having me in the family. She is a lovely woman but quite old and not doing well. I let kiddo have extra time with her grandmother on occasion although I hate that ex is part of the deal; I hope he isn't exaggerating her health to sucker me in to letting her visit more often but in this case I'd rather err on the side of consideration.
> 
> They were great people (FIL died a long time ago) and I also enjoyed all of the extended family, especially my SIL (his brother's wife) but alas the drama was too much and ex sent them a C&D letter to terminate all contact with them and even tho it isn't legally enforceable, they didn't have the money or inclination to fight. I sent holiday cards and presents for a while and finally accepted it isn't to be. Kiddo occasionally sees her two cousins at least. She enjoys one of them.


*Enjoli: You impress me as being a rather bright and intelligent young woman! And to hell with someone's self-serving dictum of you being relegated to the sideline of being summarily forbidden to visit this loving and seemingly Godly woman; more especially by someone who seems ultra fearful of being "outed," at least in their own mind, to their very own blood family. 

Let "the God" in your heart simply show through and either you go see this woman, or communicate with her through some acceptable medium. It is all too apparent that this lady is definitely exhibiting her heartfelt love for you, despite your new social station within their family lives.

If you continue to adhere to this proclamation, you and this dear lady will be the true losers in the entire scheme of things. So you really need to communicate with her, because some sad day, you may no longer be afforded that opportunity! God's speed, my dear!*


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