# Feel Like I'm Going Crazy



## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

This is driving me nuts. I'm a 42 yr old guy, very successful, hard working, stays in great shape, blah blah blah. I've been married for over a year now. While dating and during the first few months of our marriage, I lost my temper a few times and sort of went off for a minute or two on a monologue of frustration. I never called my wife names or cursed. I just have a bad habit of holding things in until I can't take it anymore, and then I sort of explode.

Anyway, since then, I've apologized (alot) and I've been in therapy working on my own personal issues. I know I'm not perfect...but not a horrible person, either. I know I can communicate better and I'm working on it. I've never been one to shy away from self-improvement.

This sounds like I have some sort of anger management problem. But I dont. On a day to day basis, I'm patient and kind, and careful with what I say and do. I was brought up in an all-male household (my mom died when I was 5). It was tough and military-like. Men dont express emotions usually. We just explode and fight. My father in particular was an un-emotional and hard man. I never knew how to be around women until my first girlfriend. Women were always a mystery to me. They seemed soft and warm and inviting - not like the world I lived in growing up. When I had a girlfriend, I just wanted to protect her and take care of her. And in return, just being around her made me feel special. And to be honest, sex was always important for me. Like most people (I think), I really enjoy it - not just the physical part of it, but also how it makes me feel emotionally. But life has taught me that things aren't as simple as that. In some ways I am really intelligent, and in others, I am a simpleton. 

Anyway...so my wife has decided that she "is not ready to be intimate with me" until she feels "safe". Ok. I get it. Once again, I need to reiterate here that I've never physically abused my wife or even threatened any harm. I've lost my temper about 4 or 5 times in the 2.5 years she's known me. That's it. Other than that, I think I've been a great husband. I cook dinner often, I clean, I care about her needs and I listen to her with patience even when she makes no sense at all. 

Now its been about three months, and I live on a daily basis with no sex and no affection. I am getting so depressed and feel so isolated. I feel like I'm being punished. I have a high drive, and to live like this with no sex is driving me crazy. She doesn't even touch me. I guess I'm just repulsive to her at this point. I might as well just jump off a cliff.

Also, I have to mention that we have a dog. My wife LOVES this dog to no end. She showers it with affection and kisses, and she even cuddles with it in bed when we sleep at night. In the meantime, I am being physically ignored. I lay there next to her and my heart feels like its going to jump right through my chest. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.

I thought marriage was about foregiveness and compassion? What do I do now?? I don't want to end the marriage, but this just does not seem fair. We are seeing a marriage therapist, and I expressed how I feel, but its like talking to a wall. I understand her needs, and I am working on providing them. But in the meantime, no one listens to me, and no one cares about MY needs. 

I never dreamed of being in this type of marriage. I really feel down and think about just running away from all of this. It effects my entire life. I can't sleep, have trouble focusing at work, its really hard for me to be happy. Honestly, I feel abused. It sounds ridiculous, but that's how I feel. 

Can someone help?? How do I deal with this insanity??


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Give her sole custody of the dog, and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

Believe me, I've thought about it. I honestly think she should have gotten a dog instead of gotten married. Its a horrible feeling when you wake up at 4 am and you look around and realize how messed up things can get. I'm beginning to think there might be something wrong with my wife. I mean something emotionally wrong. I never saw it when we were dating. Or maybe I did, and refused to acknowledge it. I mean, tell me if I'm wrong, but isn't it strange for a woman to cuddle with a dog while she sleeps while her husband lays right next to her? I expressed my unhappiness with this, but she just ignores me, and continues doing it night after night. I feel like i'm living in some bizarro universe.

Sorry, I really need to vent. I have no one to get this off my chest with.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Thoreau said:


> Give her sole custody of the dog, and leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.

Seriously leave now. It's not going to get any better. She is using your sporadic temper as an excuse to punish you. You're never going to win here....and by win I mean have a mutually satisfying relationship


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Do you open up in therapy? Is the therapist addressing your needs and wants or just your wife's? A therapist needs to be neutral and address both of your concerns. If he/she isn't then find a therapist that will. Either that or do what was said above. Give her sole custody of the dog and leave.


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## downfall69 (Sep 23, 2012)

leave before you waste your life with her


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm a woman here.

I DO think you're being abused.
I don't think you're being ridiculous.

1.) How old is your wife?
2.) How long have you two owned the dog?
3.) Does your wife work outside the home? If so what % of YOUR income does she make (same as you? 50% what you make, etc.)
4.) How long have you 2 been in MC?
5.) What SPECIFICALLY does the MC say about your complaint of no sex and ESPECIALLY no affection. (If she excuses the no sex along w/your wife because W feels "unsafe", that stinks, but MAYBE has therapeutic value. If she excuses the NO AFFECTION, then I cannot see how THAT could possibly be excused by a competent therapist.)


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your wife is punishing you and being abusive. You shouldn't accept this going forward. If the MC is not generating progress, find an IC for yourself to establish reasonable expectations and goals. You need to decide for yourself how you will make these expectations/goals clear to your wife & what the consequences will be if she does not work with you to solve the problem.

I am a woman who would NEVER think of doing this to my husband. It is ultimately disrespectful & you should not accept living with it. This is not a gender issue; this is not a question of how women view sex vs. men. This is a question of mutual respect and love in marriage. If she has a problem, she needs to work with you to solve it.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Tveitan said:


> I never dreamed of being in this type of marriage. I really feel down and think about just running away from all of this. It effects my entire life. I can't sleep, have trouble focusing at work, its really hard for me to be happy. Honestly, I feel abused. It sounds ridiculous, but that's how I feel.
> Can someone help?? How do I deal with this insanity??


If you read enough of the threads on this forum, you begin to realize that (with very few exceptions) there really is just ONE simple factor that separates the sexless husbands from the husbands who have maintained an intimate marriage. 

Just ONE.

*Ultimately, some men are willing to accept a sexless and passionless marriage, and some men aren't.*

If you make it _your hill to die on_ you'll never suffer this, if you don't...you may find yourself enduring a slow, suffering death. (sounds about where you're at)

But the key is:* you have to really mean it.* 

Lots of husbands fight with their wives over this issue. Lots of husbands come on this board and SAY_ 'it's unbearable'...'I can't take it anymore'._

As a general rule, people SAY a bunch of things...whether any DOING actually follows however, is highly variable.


So my advice to you is:

Read the quoted paragraph above several times, until you come to accept that you MUST leave this marriage (regardless of whether you actually want to) rather than tolerate continuing in misery.

But I reiterate..._you must truly be willing to have the marriage die on this hill. 
_
If it's a bluff...it means absolutely nothing.

And then you tell it to your wife straight and matter-of-factly tell her something like:

_"As part of loving marriage, I need X, Y and Z from you on a (*insert) basis...or this marriage needs to end."_

No drama, just the energy of calm resolve

(and you DO NOT offer some protracted length of time to "work through this")

That's not actually how female attraction/sexuality works.

Women are survivalists...sex is actually a woman's key weapon for her survival (i.e. the male desire for sex made him motivated enough to protect and provide for her)....in modern society we may be unconscious of this fact..but the motives of primitive man remain encoded in our DNA.

Bottom line: She will know very quickly if she feels that this marriage needs to survive...and if she does, she will likely feel a swift resurgence of attraction/desire for you.

If she doesn't though, then on a very deep, unconscious level, she doesn't feel this marriage needs to survive and that's a pretty fatal condition

And then you'll need to accept that your marriage is over. Well, or not---if you realize that you were only bluffing.

Should you persist in staying with her...expect a persistence of her current behavior and your current feelings...and know that this stuff never gets better just by wishing it would.

Good Luck


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Well before you cut and run, you might want to take a second look. You lose your temper about every 5 to 6 months over the course of your 30 month relationship. 

At those times your wife is subjected to a 2-3 min angry lecture. That's the bare facts. You don't say what you say or what sets you off. Do you go off at different things or the same things, what is the nature of what you say, and when did you start therapy after the first episode, 2nd? What are you like between these episodes? Do you get progressively irritable before an eruption? 

I think you are not owning up to the seriousness of what has happened. Think it over. Don't just apologize. It has happened 5 times after the first episode and you apologied each time. Why should she trust you now? 

You have to convince her this time is different. You have to practice measured expression of your anger during this recovery period. How have you told her about your depression about her withdrawal. What is her reaction after these other episodes? Did she ask you not to blow up prior to withdrawing? What makes this last episode so pivotal. Why did she withdraw this time and not he other times? 

Being subjected to angry unrelenting verbal attack that last for some time about every 6 months with a person you are getting to know is difficult to manage. You may be trivializing the impact of the damaging nature of your temper. You don't have to hit a person to assault them. 

There may not be many women who will feel safe in an environment that includes frequent, unpredictable verbal attacks that are minimized. You need to work on this. As far as sex I don't understand why a competent therapist would not take this aspect of the rift between you and your wife seriously. 

Part of the recovery process is the resumption of physical intimacy. It should start with affection and proceed from there. You have to voice more strenuous concerns about this aspect and ge fact they it is being ignored. Come at it from the standpoint of what sex will do for he relationship not just you and what you need. 

I wish you the best of luck. Work on expressing your anger when it occurs. Start now. You are allowed. Let your wife know that this is your intention. Don't bottle up your emotions in response to this episode. Change the way you express it. 

Give your wife time to adjust. Get a new MC if there is resistance on discussion of physical intimacy. It is that important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I have been married for 23 years and I can honestly say that my husband has never raised his voice at me. I have given him plenty of reasons too over the years I'm sure but we talk our problems out. 

With that said, unless you put her down, verbally abuse her or hit her in any way, *she is the one who is being abusive to you . *People fuss, voices get raised and things like that do happen sometimes, but you normally forgive and forget. I would never treat my husband like she is treating you. If she was that scared or that unhappy she should have left. 

Unless you plan to live with that kind of behavior for the rest of your life, I would get out now.


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## torntrowser (Dec 31, 2012)

Feel - - my heart aches for you and everyone else living within a version of marriage that's counter to the blueprint. Marriage is NOT designed to have my needs met. I'm charged with loving appropriately - - with excellence. Simple in theory, but difficult for those of us who aren't in the habit of thinking 'otherly' first. (I learned this the hard way) Most of us guys are batting about 180 when it comes to loving appropriately. When we do the work to 'find out' how our brides need to be loved - - and then reach into, and develop, our loving tool belt to love accordingly, our loving average goes up. That's the blueprint. It's also very learnable, and is best learned through modeling. You, like most guys, need to see it lived out from someone who 'gets it.' A healthy local place of worship should have a few excellent candidate mentors. Of course, the same thing goes for women, but in my experience, guys typically have more room to grow. To the degree couples try to operate outside of the blueprint - - there will be structural strife. If you lead in this way, she will respond in powerful ways.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What do you say when you are angry? Be honest so we can help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

Thanks for all the feedback from everybody - truly appreciated.

My anger does not come out of knowhere. I am a very giving and patient person, and when I react in anger about something, I feel that there is a good reason for it. 

Actually, what I say when I'm angry is nothing threatening at all. I try to ask questions and be logical about a situation. I get frustrated when I am misunderstood, and so my voice may raise and I get intense. But I dont curse, I dont call my wife names. I just talk like I usually do, but with more passion. When this happens, she shuts down on me and accuses me of being "nasty". This gets me even more frustrated, and so then I withdraw.

So, yes, I feel that the withdrawal of affection and sex is my wifes way of "punishing" me. It is so hurtful and makes me feel incredibly isolated.

I have made a decision over the past few days. I'm filing for divorce. I dont deserve to be treated like this. This is not love. The thought of being alone again makes me sad, but I know I will survive.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm sorry that things have come to this point for you. If you still love your W, perhaps you can tell her that you've decided to divorce & give her a chance to get some counseling to work on this problem.

ETA: I've reread and remember that she's been in counseling that hasn't addressed the problem. Perhaps with the threat of divorce hanging over her, as well as a different counselor, she will start to address this more reasonably.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I'm sorry that things have come to this point for you. If you still love your W, perhaps you can tell her that you've decided to divorce & give her a chance to get some counseling to work on this problem.


Does she show any signs of cheating? Cutting off sex is a huge red flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Tveitan said:


> Thanks for all the feedback from everybody - truly appreciated.
> 
> My anger does not come out of knowhere. I am a very giving and patient person, and when I react in anger about something, I feel that there is a good reason for it.
> 
> ...


I think there is something wrong with the way you came to your decision. You did it by ruminating, then getting angry and then acting. 

That's your problem not sex - you don't air your thoughts to check weather they are accurate. You don't give your wife a chance to influence your thoughts before they percolate and you blow. 

You did not have a problem until your wife stopped having sex, right? But there clearly were problems. Why did you fail to work on them while you were still having sex? 

Blaming your wife for all of the problems does not magically transfer them all to her. 

You will carry your problems with you into your next relationship. When the same break happens, you might finally get it or not.


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

Catherine602:
Actually, your characterization of me is incorrect.
I do talk to my wife, and I do try to air things out. The problem is that she only sees one side of the coin. Marriage is supposed to be 50/50. I come 50, and my wife stays at 0. No matter what I do.
And sometimes things need to be debated and compromises made, and in the heat of the debate, sometimes someone may get passionate about something and wave their hands and speak a bit louder than usual or quicker than usual. That is normal human behavior.
For someone to get "scared" in moments like that is not normal. Its a sign of a phsychiatric problem - perhaps routed in a history of trauma. Who really knows. And then to withdraw from sex and affection based on this irrational sense of being "scared" results in problems within problems.
So, no, my problem is not sex. My problem is a wife that thinks in one dimension, with no depth or sophistication or ability to comprehend another's viewpoint, coupled with a spiteful and putative personality.
I am willing to admit my faults. Perhaps one of my faults is an inability to tolerate people who for some reason can not or will not admit faults of their own. So be it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You actually sound very mature to me. We can't know for sure, but the anger that you describe doesn't sound out of bounds to me. I do think her reaction has been punitive and you have every right to seek a real solution. Do you feel that you still love her?


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## alalove74 (Sep 14, 2012)

I feel for you Tveitan. This is what my husband does to me. If I say or do anything that upsets him he punishes me by with holding love and affection. It's emotional blackmail, passive aggressive behavior. Talking to him about it only makes things worse as he makes excuses for his behavior by pointing the finger back at me. He always has some kind of justification for treating me this way.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So it sounds like the source of these bouts of anger also have to do with her. Not saying they are her fault ... you own your behavior, but sounds like your anger is reactionary ... and she probably knows darn well when she's pushing you there.

So, in short, yes you need to get control of your anger. Her response, or lack of one, should never push you beyond the boundaries of self-control. Simple management tactic? Leave the field ... leave the area, leave the house. Just leave. Not when you are already at the boiling point, but when you know that is where it's going.

Her behavior is both punishing and controlling. And in my opinion is utterly misplaced, or is an absolute smoke screen, meaning it's crap. Your outbursts have nothing to do with her feeling 'safe'. 

She's punishing you and playing sexual gate-keeper.

Glad that you are in therapy. Therapists are going to try their best to help you resolve or address the issues you are dealing with.

Here, we can afford to be much more blunt and a bit more radical than a therapist is ever going to be.

Don't focus on the sex for the time being. Focus on your behavior, and importantly, how she responds or reacts to your behavior.

She wants you to 'earn' her affection or the key to getting her to spread her legs ... and that is patently dysfunctional at every level.

So don't play that game.

If it persists, I'd suggest you move out for a while, and keep contact to a minimum. Are kids involved?


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

No,no kids. I'm 42, first marriage, live in NYC. I'm speaking to a divorce lawyer tomorrow. It sounds like a rash decision, but its not. Its been almost a year of turmoil and angst. You just know when someone has fallen out of love with you, and my wife clearly has. I feel really lonely and isolated living like this, and I need to save myself. I'm getting very depressed. The thought of living alone again at this age makes my stomach twist up in knots. All I ever wanted was true and deep love. I'm a hopeless romantic...or, in other words, an idiot.


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

And - do I still love her? Well, how do you love someone that abuses you like this? The answer is no. But I'm still in love with the concept of her. That's what makes me truly sad.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm so sorry for this. You are still young, though, although you may not feel like it....You have many years left to indulge your romantic side.

Again, have you told her you want a divorce?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tveitan said:


> No,no kids. I'm 42, first marriage, live in NYC. I'm speaking to a divorce lawyer tomorrow. It sounds like a rash decision, but its not. Its been almost a year of turmoil and angst. You just know when someone has fallen out of love with you, and my wife clearly has. I feel really lonely and isolated living like this, and I need to save myself. I'm getting very depressed. The thought of living alone again at this age makes my stomach twist up in knots. All I ever wanted was true and deep love. I'm a hopeless romantic...or, in other words, an idiot.


Given what you described, getting the information and becoming aware of what a divorce will look like sounds neither crazy, nor rash.


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## Pilot601 (Jan 3, 2013)

I feel what you’re saying.
I do everything for my wife. I clean, I cook, I do laundry and she never has to spend a dime of her own money on the household.
This last Christmas our second together she left me and went to AZ to spend the holidays with her daughter. She and her daughter had conspired this trip for a long time. In fact she even had her ticket before she told me. I begged her not to go over Christmas but she went anyway. I had the worst Christmas ever. She acted as if she did nothing wrong. What she did was break my heart. I have not forgiven her and I feel like I’m drifting away from someone I used to know. I now feel an emptiness that I truly hate.


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

Yes, I told her I want a divorce. She said one word - "ok". Breaks my heart. Now I know what I must do.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I hope when you calm down and consider the following.If someone you love finds your behavior desturbing then it should be desturbing to you.

It may not seem like a big deal to you but it does to her. You mentioned that your wife does not respond with changes when there are things that bother you.

Do you see the paradox? You both need the same thing. To have your concerns acknowledged and treated like they are important. 

Both of your reactions are dysfunctional. Your wife is as wrong in withdrawing as you are in getting angry. 

How to break the logjam. Get divorced? No, You can always get divorced. There will be a big difference if you do it now or in 6 months after due consideration. 

You may grow if you try but stagnate if you jump the gun. Take the leadership in this. No matter what your wife does, show yourself to be a man who is in control of himself and his universe. 

Lead don't react- plan, and follow through. You need a third person to help you both sort this out. It may not save your marriage but it will make you a better man for your next partner.

See a lawyer if it will help disapate your anger and frustration. But give yourself a chance to work in a mature and measured way on your marriage. I dont think you will regrete it.


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

Catherin602:
I appreciate the advice. But when you are dealing with someone that sees only one way (and this applies to a lot of things in her life), it becomes very difficult - this is not just one issue I am dealing with. She was very black and white from the beginning. For example, when we first got married, she did not want me to talk to my niece anymore because she felt that my niece has a "crush" on me. Even if it were true (which I honestly don't think it is), it was not her place to tell me that I could not speak to someone in my own family. I am very close with my brother and his kids, and they are important to me. To keep the peace, I stopped talking to my niece and honored her request. But in retrospect that was very wrong of me to give in. I would have never told her she could not speak to someone in her family. This is just one example of the type of person she was. I also have evidence that she was monitoring my e-mail and facebook accounts - somehow she got access to my passwords. She knew when I got an e-mail, and questioned me incessantly about things. She had no reason to think I was cheating, and I never did cheat. She is paranoid and off balance.
I appreciate your advice to "be the man". But, a woman should also learn to "be a woman". If I felt I was dealing with a reasonably woman that I could have an ejoyable life with, I would not be pulling the trigger and seeing a divorce attorney today. So, I'm sorry, I disagree with your advice. Perhaps it applies in other situations, but not here.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I know that you are sad and hurting, but it certainly appears that you have clarity on the issues and are addressing your own. Speaks very highly of you.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Just get out. You are being abused. Period. 

Good luck


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Tveitan said:


> No,no kids. I'm 42, first marriage, live in NYC. I'm speaking to a divorce lawyer tomorrow. It sounds like a rash decision, but its not. Its been almost a year of turmoil and angst. You just know when someone has fallen out of love with you, and my wife clearly has. I feel really lonely and isolated living like this, and I need to save myself. I'm getting very depressed. The thought of living alone again at this age makes my stomach twist up in knots. All I ever wanted was true and deep love. I'm a hopeless romantic...or, in other words, an idiot.


You are not an idiot. I think most everyone in the world wants true love and a deep love. You just happen to be with someone right now that has some kind of issue. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and there is some unknown reason that you have gone through this. One thing is for sure though, you will be a stronger person now and you have most definitely learned something from it. Take what you have learned and move on. There is someone out there wishing that they had someone like you in their life. 



Tveitan said:


> Yes, I told her I want a divorce. She said one word - "ok". Breaks my heart. Now I know what I must do.


So that's that. Just keep moving forward and try not to look back. You will be fine.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You left a lot out.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Tveitan said:


> Yes, I told her I want a divorce. She said one word - "ok". Breaks my heart. Now I know what I must do.


It's for the best. Good for you. No kids always makes it easier.


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

Catherine602:
You said "I left a lot out". Yes, you are right. I left a lot out. So let me fill you in:
Very early on, my wife gave me a hard time because I was talking to my niece on the phone. She thought it was "inappropriate". So I stopped talking to my niece.
My wife somehow got access to my e-mail and facebook accounts, and read my e-mails regularly without my permission. She most recently somehow actually hacked into my facebook account and deleted some friends from my account and some photos. I have since taken measure to protect all my accounts.
She looked through my phone when I wasn't around and deleted contacts and text message conversations.
She was obsessed with the dog - almost every day I received one or two e-mails at work regarding the dog, its poop, its walks, who was watching it, how cute it is, etc. 
She slept with the dog every night, cuddled up with it and kissing it.
She suggested marriage counseling 2 months into the marriage and in almost every session, in almost every week, found some "issue" with me that needed to be addressed, and refused to entertain any thoughts that maybe she was at least partially to blame for what was going on between us.
She rationed out sex. First it was once every 10 days, like clockwork. When I called her out on that during a marriage counseling session, she got very angry, and every since then refused to be intimate with me at all.
So, yes, I left some thing out. Thanks for pointing that out.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Good luck, Tveitan. It sounds like your W has issues that you can't fix. It's sad. I'm sorry that things aren't working out for you, but your story has sounded like abuse to me, which you don't deserve.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The MC was ineffective if he/she lrt the session become gripe sessions about you. 

T I think the problem is you. You are being abused. You suspect but you are not convinced yet. Your wife seems to fit the characteristics of an abuser. She isolates you, controls you and inflicts emotional pain. 

Look up the signs of abuse and see if this rings true. What you have done is to appease her demands. They start out small but esculate until you are living in a prison. 

There is only one way to deal with an abuser and that is to leave. It is difficult to get them to change if they are not very motivated. 

You can separate, recover with IC then consider wheather or not you want to try working with her if she is willing to change. 

Leaving an abusive relationship should be easy but it is not. The person who is abused is beaten down and often identifies with the abuser to survive emotionally. 

You have to separate now. Be prepared for an escalation in abuse and attempts to make you feel guilty.


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## Tveitan (Dec 28, 2012)

I told my wife I wanted a divorce a few days before New Years. We stopped talking at that point, slept in separate beds, and basically ignored one another. Last Friday, I came home and the apartment was emptied of all her belongings and furniture. No note as to where she went. No goodbye. No offer to meet to talk things over. She simply disappeared without a trace. I am left now with an empty apartment and a very unsettled feeling. I am seeing a therapist and starting antidepressants. This has depressed me to no end. I don't understand how people like this exist. My doctor diagnosed her as a sociopath, but of course he hears only what I tell him. I try to be as accurate as possible. I believe he is right. I need to examine why I attract women like that. My doctor said I am vulnerable because I am looking for attachment, I am open to love and being connected, and sociopath-type people are able to recognize that right away. They never attach, at least not to any real depth, and so its easy for them to detach without any conscience. I am very shaken and saddened by this. I am moving on, but in pain.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Did she take the dog too??

So she cleaned out everything? Hopefully she did not get to any bank accounts with money in them. 

I know it sucks but down the road you will thank her for leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostsoul25 (Dec 18, 2012)

Tveitan said:


> I told my wife I wanted a divorce a few days before New Years. We stopped talking at that point, slept in separate beds, and basically ignored one another. Last Friday, I came home and the apartment was emptied of all her belongings and furniture. No note as to where she went. No goodbye. No offer to meet to talk things over. She simply disappeared without a trace. I am left now with an empty apartment and a very unsettled feeling. I am seeing a therapist and starting antidepressants. This has depressed me to no end. I don't understand how people like this exist. My doctor diagnosed her as a sociopath, but of course he hears only what I tell him. I try to be as accurate as possible. I believe he is right. I need to examine why I attract women like that. My doctor said I am vulnerable because I am looking for attachment, I am open to love and being connected, and sociopath-type people are able to recognize that right away. They never attach, at least not to any real depth, and so its easy for them to detach without any conscience. I am very shaken and saddened by this. I am moving on, but in pain.


well you asked her for a divorce, what did you expect? she probably thinks it would be easier to leave that way, I am sure it was painful for her too


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am so sorry her leaving was so abrupt and traumatic. 

Did she take any of belongs that are your alone? Have you locked down your finances? Where are you staying? Your safety and privacy is of paramount importance now. If you are staying in the house, Ask your lawyer if you can change the lock. 

Document that she cleaned out the place with pics. You might want to make a police report to document theft, if she took things that were yours alone. She took items that I assume were aquired jointly so 1/2 belongs to you. If so, you will be compensated in the divorce settlement. 

Any communication with her should be recorded. VAR. I think it is illegal but you can make transcript and discard the recordings. Ask you lawyer. Keep posting for support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Tveitan said:


> My doctor said I am vulnerable because I am looking for attachment, I am open to love and being connected, and sociopath-type people are able to recognize that right away.


First, I'm so sorry that you have to suffer through this. Your stbxw seems very disturbed.

But, with regard to the above: Aren't we all looking for love and attachment? That's not a dysfunction. The problem is when we find the wrong people to become attached to. Now that you've had this awful experience, you will be better able to identify people like her & avoid them.

There are plenty of healthy women out in the world who want love just like you. You may not feel like it right now, but you're still young and you have many years ahead of you to find someone who deserves you.


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