# Addicted to Facebook



## Caligyrl

I have looked at some of the threads here and do not see anything concerning Facebook itself, so please pardon me if I didn't catch something that's already been covered.
My husband is absolutely addicted to one particular page on Facebook. It's a controversial political page and I don't like him being there for several reasons. First-because some of the things he posts, some of the arguments he gets into, some of the "friendships" he has developed, the interactions he makes with these "friends"-both men and women, the amount of time he spends on that page and on the computer itself, and lastly-because of this "SECRET" page he and his new friends have made on facebook.
We have fought about this for 8 months now-he gets very angry and defensive. I have asked, begged, pleaded, demanded, given ultimatums, and outright said you will not post on that page anymore. He's promised, but always within 2-3 days, he's right back there doing it all over again like I hadn't said a word. He acts surprised when I get mad and storm off after seeing his posts. 
I am at my wits end. Any suggestions?


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## sfj

You are jealous of a Facebook page? Really?

Telling your husband what he can and can't do on Facebook is a bad move imo. You are coming off like a major control freak, and I don't blame him for not listening to you. 

Maybe you should work on why this bothers you so much. You seem to be worried about his new "friends"... that is some major insecurity, but understand that it is YOUR problem, don't make it his problem or things will get worse. 

Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Geeze, I have some really good friends I met on Facebook though a secret group. We talk together as a group and support one another, not individually.

Also, I met my all time best friend on a parenting message board! We talk throughout the day on FB messaging. We've been bf's for 9 years now. We've only met up twice. I'm planning on meeting her again in the next year or two for an extended girls weekend. We share a room to cut the cost and we both will bring our oldest daughters with. They are friends too. I seriously can not wait!

I don't see a problem unless it effects the time you both spend together. When my hubby's around, I put down the iPod and we hang out together. If he's busy, I'm online. I'm also disabled with a neck injury and there's not much I can do at one time. My husband has access to all my passwords for everything and I do for him as well. I'm sure he looks, but he'll be bored out of his mind. The support group I belong to is great! It's like a little group of friends who are there first hand giving advice, kinda like this message board. I think this site is no different then a facebook group.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

What are the problems you associate with him on facebook? You list some reasons but it must be more than that. What exactly are you fearful of?

Facebook does cause lots of problems.


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## Caligyrl

Well, I didn't want to get too wordy earlier, but here are the residual issues: He will get out of bed, sit down and get on that page immediately and not leave for sometimes 5-6 hours. There have been days that-with a couple of breaks in there-he has spent every single waking minute. I am talking 12-16 hours. 
He will focus so strongly on there that he does not talk to or listen to what I will sometimes tell him. He gets the facts wrong, then gets mad at me for either not telling him or telling him something different. It's simply because he isn't paying any attention. 
Then he will get all fired up from these people and take it out on me.
Jealous? I suppose so. I would rather spend time with my husband than watch him waste away sitting on the computer.


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## Caligyrl

As a side note to clarify....we are both members of many message boards. We have the same common friends-many of which neither one of us have met. We actually met, fell in love, and got married through a mutual message board. 
Because of this one page tho-he ignored all our friends, the important things in life, and most of the happenings he should be paying attention to. When other people notice, I know it's not just me.


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## Caligyrl

sfj said:


> You are jealous of a Facebook page? Really?
> 
> Telling your husband what he can and can't do on Facebook is a bad move imo. You are coming off like a major control freak, and I don't blame him for not listening to you.
> 
> Maybe you should work on why this bothers you so much. You seem to be worried about his new "friends"... that is some major insecurity, but understand that it is YOUR problem, don't make it his problem or things will get worse.
> 
> Good luck.


Please read my clarification. Let me ask you-if you did something that caused major issues and your husband/wife asked you to please stop....would you?


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## MSP

Sixteen hours a day sounds like an addiction. It's not unheard of. Anything that includes newness can trigger addictive behaviours. Someone pushing 'refresh' over and over on Facebook and waiting for responses is very reminiscent of a rat pushing a lever. 

It needs to be addressed like it's an addiction. You asking or nagging him to stop won't do much. He needs to be removed from his drug for a long enough period of time for him to "detox".


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## Caligyrl

MSP said:


> Sixteen hours a day sounds like an addiction. It's not unheard of. Anything that includes newness can trigger addictive behaviours. Someone pushing 'refresh' over and over on Facebook and waiting for responses is very reminiscent of a rat pushing a lever.
> 
> It needs to be addressed like it's an addiction. You asking or nagging him to stop won't do much. He needs to be removed from his drug for a long enough period of time for him to "detox".


I would welcome any suggestions on how to "remove" him from it-short of taking a hammer to the laptop.


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## Caligyrl

Thank you Trenton...yes, he does have an extremely passionate side, he also has a very "violent" (for lack of a better word) side, and this thing seems to satisfy both. He can argue with people and also create friendships with whom he can bond and gang up on folks with. 
Yes-Facebook has "secret" or closed pages that are not even visible to friends. 
I just don't know how to handle this...totally at a loss here as it seems I am forced to either accept it or leave. Neither I can do very easily.


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## cgh

if it means getting rid of the internet for a period of time to let him "cool" down, then you might have to get the hammer out to the laptop.
though you need to communicate to him how this is effecting you. tell him that its the lenght of time he is on facebook is effecting your relationship.


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## Chaparral

What he is doing is hurting your relationship. I would refuse to interact with him anytime he is on the computer.

You may consider the 180 to help yourself. Taillor it to your own needs. Its actually used to make a person stronger and move forward when their spouse is cheating but I think you could use it to make you stronger and deal with his obsession.

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Caligyrl

Wow! A lot of information to digest, but it all looks extremely helpful. Behavior the last few days has taken a turn for the better. Yes-he still does his "thing" on there, but the time has reduced a bit by several hours. Also, he's started to help me with the daily chores and do other things around the house as opposed to sitting there and letting me do absolutely everything. I can only hope this continues. I've seen this before tho, I'm sorry to say, and it doesn;t last. It's sort of like a temporary appeasement. I don't know. *SIGH*


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## cgh

well if he is helping around the house, a little aknowledgement to him for that might go a long way. as they say every little helps.


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## cgh

well when your other half spends all thier time on social sites and ignore you and chores about the house and would expect you to do all the running around. i think you might see a problem.
I have been accused of been addicted to Fetlife. even though I only ever used it when my wife was away or not in the house. Our MC even said that I would be using mental energies on the use of Fetlife that I could and should be using on my marriage. have another session with this MC today and I'm not lookignforward to it at all


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## Caligyrl

cgh said:


> well if he is helping around the house, a little aknowledgement to him for that might go a long way. as they say every little helps.


I did...and I also said 'thank you'. Even tho the chores should be 50/50, I did let him know I noticed.


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## Chaparral

sricky9900 said:


> Whats the big deal. You have jealously with a page of a social networking site.:rofl: C'mon, what is wrong in this? Your husband is not a child,whom you are trying to control.



If it were me, and my wife were disappearing into her computer, I would take my kids and disappear for the day too. Good luck on her finding out what we were doing and where were at till we got home.


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## Caligyrl

sricky9900 said:


> Whats the big deal. You have jealously with a page of a social networking site.:rofl: C'mon, what is wrong in this? Your husband is not a child,whom you are trying to control.


I'm not trying to control him-he can do whatever he wants, but when all the chores and everything gets dumped on me so he can sit there with his buddies for HOURS AND HOURS-something is wrong.
You would not stand for it either!!!

His own daughter, who comes to spend every other week with us, has said she doesn't come as often. When I asked why she replied-"What's the point-Dad is always on the computer and I never really see him anyhow,"
I understand how she feels.


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## Caligyrl

As a side note to this to SRICKY9900....did you read the entire thread??? If so, I cannot imagine why you find ANY humor in this whatsoever. It's a serious problem.


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## CandieGirl

Caligyrl said:


> Well, I didn't want to get too wordy earlier, but here are the residual issues: He will get out of bed, sit down and get on that page immediately and not leave for sometimes 5-6 hours. There have been days that-with a couple of breaks in there-he has spent every single waking minute. I am talking 12-16 hours.
> He will focus so strongly on there that he does not talk to or listen to what I will sometimes tell him. He gets the facts wrong, then gets mad at me for either not telling him or telling him something different. It's simply because he isn't paying any attention.
> Then he will get all fired up from these people and take it out on me.
> Jealous? I suppose so. I would rather spend time with my husband than watch him waste away sitting on the computer.


I don't think you're jealous OR insecure, and I don't think you are the one with the problem! Days where he spends 12-16 hours on FB? That is ridicularse!


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## Caligyrl

CandieGirl said:


> I don't think you're jealous OR insecure, and I don't think you are the one with the problem! Days where he spends 12-16 hours on FB? That is ridicularse!


Thank you! Let me clarify for ones like SRICKY9900 what my day today has been like-then you still tell me I am over reacting or jealous without any merit.

Hubby gets up at 7am. Sits down at the computer after lighting his smoke and gets on his page. He's there continuously till 11:30am when he asked me if I wanted a hot dog for lunch. I said sure. While I was fussing in the kitchen and starting to walk toward the back of the house he asked me quietly to get him a cutting board. (yes, he was up boiling the dogs and going to chop himself some onion). I didn't hear him ask and by the time I finished walking back to the back room he was screaming. I went back to the kitchen to see what was up and was blasted because I hadn't heard him. He proceeded to berate me because as he says-I am deaf. (I do have a low-volume hearing loss from too many concerts too close to the monitors-and he knows this). He got so mad he threw the hot dogs in the trash and threw mine at the floor-it landed in the cat food and spewed all over. 
I said he needed mental help and walked out. 
He then tries to act "normal" and wonders why I want NOTHING to do with him. He has called me names, said ugly things to me, and it all ties back to the damn facebook page and people he's with there.
I'm so lost I don't know what to do or where to turn. My "home" is 2,000 miles away and I have 3 cats. Lord have mercy.


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## Caligyrl

1 more thing....he has been on facebook the entire day today. ALL DAY so far and it's 5:11 pm right now.


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## Chaparral

You need to go somewhere and make him miss you and the kids. on't tell him let the quiet sink in.


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## Caligyrl

We really don't have any kids. His daughter comes every once in awhile and mine are grown. If I left (which I did today) he would just sit there happy coz now he can post in peace.


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## that_girl

The government is watching him.


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## Caligyrl

that_girl said:


> The government is watching him.


 I wouldn't doubt it. That's one thing I have said that he totally blows off. :iagree:


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## that_girl

Google it.

It's how the government is tracking people now.


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## Caligyrl

that_girl said:


> Google it.
> 
> It's how the government is tracking people now.


I did...and the first thing that came up was Facebook. :wtf:

Also to add insult to injury......tonight he's been awful. Throwing things, treating me like he absolutely hates me and I haven't done a thing to him. He just stormed off to bed so I went in and told him "If I am that much bother to have around...I will work on getting out-just cut the dramatics!!". He replied that his back hurt. Really?? You had to do all that because your back hurt? Maybe if you didn't sit in one spot all damn day!:lol:


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## Caligyrl

UPDATE:
I thank all you guys for your input and help. Yesterday we had another huge fight over nothing and when I stated I was sick of the attitude he gave me-he retorted that he was sick of ME and proceeded to throw his wedding ring in the trash and went outside. About 30 minutes later I came out with (a different trash bag) in my hand to go to the dumpster. He asked if I took the ring out first. (it mattered evidently).
Later-as I was pulling books off the shelf and putting them into boxes, he came in and asked if I was packing stuff. I said yes-sort of. He replied..I love you. 
I said-I love you too...but I will not live like this. So..fast forward to last night around 5pm we began to "talk". It lasted until 1 AM with a little progress in the treatment of me area, but he defended what he was doing on that political page to the death. He even said he was trying to "educate" people so we don't end up in a FEMA camp. He is trying to PROTECT me..he says.
This morning, I got up at 9-he'd been up since 6. He was posting of course, but he had made breakfast and coffee and got off the computer (for a bit. He's back on now).
Oh boy..........


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## Caligyrl

One side note to what he said when I went outside was that he admitted he misspoke. What he said he meant to say was he was sick of my s**t too.


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## that_girl

Wow.

My friend's husband is somewhat like this...very obsessed with conspiracies, etc.

She left him. It was getting crazy.

I hope things get better...but he needs to calm down about things. There's really nothing he can do to prevent anything...


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## Caligyrl

that_girl said:


> Wow.
> 
> My friend's husband is somewhat like this...very obsessed with conspiracies, etc.
> 
> She left him. It was getting crazy.
> 
> I hope things get better...but he needs to calm down about things. There's really nothing he can do to prevent anything...


Yes, it truly IS scary. Add to the paranoia that after I did some recent research I find he has 90% of the signs of Borderline personality disorder as well. 
I don't know. I'm stuck between a very thick wall and a rock ledge with a hundred foot drop. :slap:


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## that_girl

My friend's husband's mother is schizophrenic. My therapist said (about my friend's husband's behavior) that it's very common for some of the first signs of schizophrenia is to be obsessed with something...and boy is he. He won't go get tested because "He doesn't have the problem, everyone else does." Yea. Ok, buddy. Must be nice in his little world.


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## Caligyrl

I once heard that a patient in a mental hospital wonders why he is there-and looks at the others as the crazy ones. LOL!

On a lighter note...we have had a couple good days. I can tell he is putting forth an effort right now. The problem is-it never lasts, but I am praying it does.


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## Humble Pie

Caligyrl said:


> UPDATE:
> I thank all you guys for your input and help. Yesterday we had another huge fight over nothing and when I stated I was sick of the attitude he gave me-he retorted that he was sick of ME and proceeded to throw his wedding ring in the trash and went outside. About 30 minutes later I came out with (a different trash bag) in my hand to go to the dumpster. He asked if I took the ring out first. (it mattered evidently).
> Later-as I was pulling books off the shelf and putting them into boxes, he came in and asked if I was packing stuff. I said yes-sort of. He replied..I love you.
> I said-I love you too...but I will not live like this. So..fast forward to last night around 5pm we began to "talk". It lasted until 1 AM with a little progress in the treatment of me area, but he defended what he was doing on that political page to the death. He even said he was trying to "educate" people so we don't end up in a FEMA camp. He is trying to PROTECT me..he says.
> This morning, I got up at 9-he'd been up since 6. He was posting of course, but he had made breakfast and coffee and got off the computer (for a bit. He's back on now).
> Oh boy..........


does your husband take any medication? any family history of mental illness on his side? When you mention his smoke, is that MJ he is smokin?

The behaviors you explain are not rational and its sounds like something is needing to be revealed to understand this situation and his condition.


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## Caligyrl

Humble Pie said:


> does your husband take any medication? any family history of mental illness on his side? When you mention his smoke, is that MJ he is smokin?
> 
> The behaviors you explain are not rational and its sounds like something is needing to be revealed to understand this situation and his condition.


Well...his 'family history' consists of his mom and dad and grandparents-all who died of a heart attack. He has had 3 himself. He also has a bad back and does smoke the mj to go to sleep at night, but the 'smoke' I was referring to was his cigar. 
As far as mental illness...in the past year his brother has become addicted to meth and has let his life, home, business, and his body all go to hell. :scratchhead:


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## Caligyrl

UPDATE:
Well, our relationship has gotten better-between us at least. We have had so many conversations about FB and how all that time spent has been taken away from me, our home, our life, and everything else in general. I am working hard to pick up the slack, but it was becoming too much.
He admitted he spends too much time online and needs to cut back, although I haven't seen it yet. sigh


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## endlessgrief

My husband is addicted to MAFIA WARS on Facebook. Every night at around midnight, he will go in there and drink a fifth of rum and coke. It sucks. I hate it. I let him know it. When he is on there, I do not exist. If we happen to be watching TV and it gets to be around midnight, he will say WELL, IT'S GETTING LATE, NO MORE TV which means, TIME TO PLAY MAFIA WARS! I ***** at him, all the emotions. NOTHING. I have been doing the 180, it's been making me feel better, he doesn't know the difference. I feel your pain.

You mentioned politics. This is a very scary area for those who are passionate about it (you mentioned he was passionate too). I know people who have stopped talking to family because they disagreed on a political view. How stupid is that? Trying to have a calm conversation about politics with a person who is passionate about their beliefs is impossible, hence, the dark moods this site leaves him in. These politico's actually think what they do or say or believe is going to change the world when they are just fly sh!t in the pepper of humanity. 

What is your husband? Republican? Liberal? Tea Party? My husband is fully republican which means nothing to me really. But if I say or do something he views as liberal, he will start to yell at me like I killed his dog. I just laugh in his face and tell him he is acting like a d!ck.

Getting rid of the internet will not help. One night we lost our internet connection at 3:00 in the morning and the router is in my bedroom and he was in there every five minutes resetting the damned thing. Then he was in there every two minutes on the phone with customer service. He actually looked like he was gonna explode and looked so upset the internet was out. Again I told him he was being silly and to go to bed. No go.

I really don't know what would work here. I think I will hang back and read the advice people leave in this thread since I seem to be in the same boat. Hey, we should start our own secret room that is called OUR HUSBANDS ARE D!CKS and just make fun of them!!!!!


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## Chaparral

endlessgrief said:


> My husband is addicted to MAFIA WARS on Facebook. Every night at around midnight, he will go in there and drink a fifth of rum and coke. It sucks. I hate it. I let him know it. When he is on there, I do not exist. If we happen to be watching TV and it gets to be around midnight, he will say WELL, IT'S GETTING LATE, NO MORE TV which means, TIME TO PLAY MAFIA WARS! I ***** at him, all the emotions. NOTHING. I have been doing the 180, it's been making me feel better, he doesn't know the difference. I feel your pain.
> 
> You mentioned politics. This is a very scary area for those who are passionate about it (you mentioned he was passionate too). I know people who have stopped talking to family because they disagreed on a political view. How stupid is that? Trying to have a calm conversation about politics with a person who is passionate about their beliefs is impossible, hence, the dark moods this site leaves him in. These politico's actually think what they do or say or believe is going to change the world when they are just fly sh!t in the pepper of humanity.
> 
> What is your husband? Republican? Liberal? Tea Party? My husband is fully republican which means nothing to me really. But if I say or do something he views as liberal, he will start to yell at me like I killed his dog. I just laugh in his face and tell him he is acting like a d!ck.
> 
> Getting rid of the internet will not help. One night we lost our internet connection at 3:00 in the morning and the router is in my bedroom and he was in there every five minutes resetting the damned thing. Then he was in there every two minutes on the phone with customer service. He actually looked like he was gonna explode and looked so upset the internet was out. Again I told him he was being silly and to go to bed. No go.
> 
> I really don't know what would work here. I think I will hang back and read the advice people leave in this thread since I seem to be in the same boat. Hey, we should start our own secret room that is called OUR HUSBANDS ARE D!CKS and just make fun of them!!!!!


If hes drinking a fifth of rum and coke a night doesn't that make him a drunk. He needs Rehab.


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## endlessgrief

chapparal said:


> If hes drinking a fifth of rum and coke a night doesn't that make him a drunk. He needs Rehab.


No sh!t Sherlock, I never said my marriage was great. hahaha

Seriously, you are so right but this isn't my thread. I wonder if konking someone on the head, knocking them out and dragging them to rehap is legal? 

Probably not.


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## smith9800

Are you jealous from a Facebook page? come on.....it just a page. How it can ruin your relationship?


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## koolasma

people r getting so much focused and addicted to fb..as they have nothing to do else  except fb lol .. they live wid fb and die with it  funny


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## endlessgrief

The only good thing about Facebook is I was able to reconnect with high school friends I haven't seen for 20 years. 

But a majority of people post the most mundane things on Facebook, for example, my sister posts EVERY NIGHT what she made her boyfriend for dinner. The her boyfriend posts how many miles he ran on the treadmill. WHO CARES????????

People get so into this waste of internet space it's almost a joke. My father in law was addicted to that farm game. When he went on vacation he asked his son to FEED HIS FISH on his Facebook farm page so they wouldn't die. THERE ARE NO FISH! COME BACK TO REALITY. I must say that when I heard of his request, I did fall down laughing so hard I cried because I couldn't believe this was serious. 

And why do people "poke" everyone? WTF?


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## Caligyrl

smith9800 said:


> Are you jealous from a Facebook page? come on.....it just a page. How it can ruin your relationship?


Are you seriously posting on a page and subject you obviously know nothing about??? I believe I addressed another senseless comment like yours earlier in this thread.
Facebook can basically replace a spouse when the other spends every waking moment there. Are you telling me that would be ok with you? 

I didn't think so!


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## Caligyrl

endlessgrief said:


> My husband is addicted to MAFIA WARS on Facebook. Every night at around midnight, he will go in there and drink a fifth of rum and coke. It sucks. I hate it. I let him know it. When he is on there, I do not exist. If we happen to be watching TV and it gets to be around midnight, he will say WELL, IT'S GETTING LATE, NO MORE TV which means, TIME TO PLAY MAFIA WARS! I ***** at him, all the emotions. NOTHING. I have been doing the 180, it's been making me feel better, he doesn't know the difference. I feel your pain.
> 
> You mentioned politics. This is a very scary area for those who are passionate about it (you mentioned he was passionate too). I know people who have stopped talking to family because they disagreed on a political view. How stupid is that? Trying to have a calm conversation about politics with a person who is passionate about their beliefs is impossible, hence, the dark moods this site leaves him in. These politico's actually think what they do or say or believe is going to change the world when they are just fly sh!t in the pepper of humanity.
> 
> What is your husband? Republican? Liberal? Tea Party? My husband is fully republican which means nothing to me really. But if I say or do something he views as liberal, he will start to yell at me like I killed his dog. I just laugh in his face and tell him he is acting like a d!ck.
> 
> Getting rid of the internet will not help. One night we lost our internet connection at 3:00 in the morning and the router is in my bedroom and he was in there every five minutes resetting the damned thing. Then he was in there every two minutes on the phone with customer service. He actually looked like he was gonna explode and looked so upset the internet was out. Again I told him he was being silly and to go to bed. No go.
> 
> I really don't know what would work here. I think I will hang back and read the advice people leave in this thread since I seem to be in the same boat. Hey, we should start our own secret room that is called OUR HUSBANDS ARE D!CKS and just make fun of them!!!!!


LMAO...yes Endless, you sure are right.  It sounds like you and I are in the same boat to a point. My hubby will sit there all day and night if I don't say anything to him. We've had 9 hellacious fights over it-and I have to say it's getting a bit better, but not anywhere near what a person would consider 'normal'.
Can I ask why your hubby only goes in at midnight?
My hubby is an extreme republican although he now says he is more Independent. He DOES label everyone as liberal or whatever. He will complain about someone saying or doing something and say-see...that's what a liberal does, or thats how a liberal thinks.
He also buys into some of the conspiracy theories that drive me nuts. I sometimes do succeed in getting him off the computer, and at those times he wants to debate politics with me!! Can you imagine DEBATING a subject you are in agreement on-yet you find yourself defending every word you say? 
I only divulged a fraction of what I go thru with this guy. I bought the book-Stop walking on eggshells-and it's blowing me away with how right-on it is. It may have been written about me (us?)
LOL...good idea about the thread. :iagree: 
BTW-does he actually drink a fifth every single day? And if so-what happens afterward? 
It's not easy being on 'this' end of that sort of relationship. I hope you people out there understand, these are real issues, not fodder to be laughed at!!


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## smith9800

Caligyrl said:


> Are you seriously posting on a page and subject you obviously know nothing about??? I believe I addressed another senseless comment like yours earlier in this thread.
> Facebook can basically replace a spouse when the other spends every waking moment there. Are you telling me that would be ok with you?
> 
> I didn't think so!


I don't think, Facebook can replace a spouse. How can you imagine that? This is just a social networking site and not a girl, who will steal your man. But, it's your opinion and i respect that...


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## endlessgrief

caligryl: The reason he waits until midnight is ONE, I usually go to bed. I made a rule that he cannot talk to me, look at me, etc. when he is drinking. Since I cannot change him, I just changed how I reacted to his bullcrap. The reason it is so late is because butth*le stays up until dawn on this friggin site. He goes to bed at dawn, and therefore, sleeps until about 6 p.m. We eat dinner together and watch TV from 8 to 12 and the cycle starts again. 

I am doing the 180 because I have given up trying to get him to stop. I feel much better to let go and not be codependant to his drinking. I have basically dropped out of the marriage (without him noticing) while we still live in the same house. This will not go on forever, so I am doing the 180, getting back in shape and just focusing on what I want to do. 

He hates that I love shopping, so I take money out of his wallet and go shopping. Sounds childish right? But it feels frickin great. He never notices the missing money because I only take a little, but shopping makes me feel good, and I need to feel good. Flirting online with other men in chat groups made me feel great, but he got hurt and asked me to stop and guess what? I did!

I still say we start a thread OUR HUSBANDS ARE D!CKS. I'll bet women would flock to it if they are in our shoes. Some men are not 
d!cks who care about their marriages. I read about them on here all the time and I must admit, I do close my eyes and clap my heels together three times: THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE A DRUNK FREE PLACE. But it never works! Maybe I will buy some ruby slippers, then it will work!


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## Chaparral

endlessgrief said:


> caligryl: The reason he waits until midnight is ONE, I usually go to bed. I made a rule that he cannot talk to me, look at me, etc. when he is drinking. Since I cannot change him, I just changed how I reacted to his bullcrap. The reason it is so late is because butth*le stays up until dawn on this friggin site. He goes to bed at dawn, and therefore, sleeps until about 6 p.m. We eat dinner together and watch TV from 8 to 12 and the cycle starts again.
> 
> I am doing the 180 because I have given up trying to get him to stop. I feel much better to let go and not be codependant to his drinking. I have basically dropped out of the marriage (without him noticing) while we still live in the same house. This will not go on forever, so I am doing the 180, getting back in shape and just focusing on what I want to do.
> 
> He hates that I love shopping, so I take money out of his wallet and go shopping. Sounds childish right? But it feels frickin great. He never notices the missing money because I only take a little, but shopping makes me feel good, and I need to feel good. Flirting online with other men in chat groups made me feel great, but he got hurt and asked me to stop and guess what? I did!
> 
> I still say we start a thread OUR HUSBANDS ARE D!CKS. I'll bet women would flock to it if they are in our shoes. Some men are not
> d!cks who care about their marriages. I read about them on here all the time and I must admit, I do close my eyes and clap my heels together three times: THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE A DRUNK FREE PLACE. But it never works! Maybe I will buy some ruby slippers, then it will work!


You both need to go to MC and/or divorce lawyers and ask your husbands which they prefer? You are wasting time that you don't have to waste.
I would line up both and let your husbands take their pick.


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## Caligyrl

smith9800 said:


> I don't think, Facebook can replace a spouse. How can you imagine that? This is just a social networking site and not a girl, who will steal your man. But, it's your opinion and i respect that...


The word "replace" is rhetorical....not literal. And yes-when you are basically ignored because someone is so absorbed in facebook and posting whatever that they don't even see you or hear anything you say for hours and hours day after day....YES-you have been replaced!!!


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## Caligyrl

chapparal said:


> You both need to go to MC and/or divorce lawyers and ask your husbands which they prefer? You are wasting time that you don't have to waste.
> I would line up both and let your husbands take their pick.


LOL!! I agree Chapparal-totally. In fact, during one of our fights about the time spent and the deterioration of our home and family due to his negligence I did give him an ultimatum. He chose the computer-so I started packing boxes. That did open his eyes a bit that I am dead serious about the damage he's doing. It's helped some.......
We've had hours-long talks about it, usually heated because I have demanded him OFF the computer while we do. Now, he's trying to justify it-he's saving the country-one vote at a time.:bsflag: I can see what he posts and most of the time he's in heated arguments with people over subjects (political) he believes and they don't. 

To give you a little background, he's on disability and I am on unemployment so I am subjected to this 24/7. 
So, at this time I can afford neither a M/C or a divorce lawyer-(which I don't really want), plus my home is 2,000 miles away. Do you have any suggestions? I would welcome them.


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## Caligyrl

endlessgrief said:


> caligryl: The reason he waits until midnight is ONE, I usually go to bed. I made a rule that he cannot talk to me, look at me, etc. when he is drinking. Since I cannot change him, I just changed how I reacted to his bullcrap. The reason it is so late is because butth*le stays up until dawn on this friggin site. He goes to bed at dawn, and therefore, sleeps until about 6 p.m. We eat dinner together and watch TV from 8 to 12 and the cycle starts again.
> 
> I am doing the 180 because I have given up trying to get him to stop. I feel much better to let go and not be codependant to his drinking. I have basically dropped out of the marriage (without him noticing) while we still live in the same house. This will not go on forever, so I am doing the 180, getting back in shape and just focusing on what I want to do.
> 
> He hates that I love shopping, so I take money out of his wallet and go shopping. Sounds childish right? But it feels frickin great. He never notices the missing money because I only take a little, but shopping makes me feel good, and I need to feel good. Flirting online with other men in chat groups made me feel great, but he got hurt and asked me to stop and guess what? I did!
> 
> I still say we start a thread OUR HUSBANDS ARE D!CKS. I'll bet women would flock to it if they are in our shoes. Some men are not
> d!cks who care about their marriages. I read about them on here all the time and I must admit, I do close my eyes and clap my heels together three times: THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE A DRUNK FREE PLACE. But it never works! Maybe I will buy some ruby slippers, then it will work!


LOL...you crack me up!!  Well, it sure sounds like you have it way worse than I-my hubby does not drink at all anymore, which could be why he's created this new vice. :scratchhead: In any event, I support your doing for you mode. These behaviors cause insecurities and esteem issues that can tear us down. You have to take care of you-mentally, physically and emotionally. Having said that I would draw the line at flirting-whether harmless or not. It just adds fuel to a fire, plus it gives him ammo to use against you!
Have you tried Al-anon? I know it's reaching, but they may have some answers for you. 
Removing yourself from the marriage is a great defense tool. You can't get hurt or upset if you don't see or hear it. I started to do that too, but he's trying to pull me back in-while maintaining his online presence. We will see how this works. 
You got an extra pair of those slippers?


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## endlessgrief

Caligyrl said:


> LOL...you crack me up!!  Well, it sure sounds like you have it way worse than I-my hubby does not drink at all anymore, which could be why he's created this new vice. :scratchhead: In any event, I support your doing for you mode. These behaviors cause insecurities and esteem issues that can tear us down. You have to take care of you-mentally, physically and emotionally. Having said that I would draw the line at flirting-whether harmless or not. It just adds fuel to a fire, plus it gives him ammo to use against you!
> Have you tried Al-anon? I know it's reaching, but they may have some answers for you.
> Removing yourself from the marriage is a great defense tool. You can't get hurt or upset if you don't see or hear it. I started to do that too, but he's trying to pull me back in-while maintaining his online presence. We will see how this works.
> You got an extra pair of those slippers?


I'm glad I could give you a chuckle. My sense of humor (which is pretty warped) is what gets me through. Yes, I have been going to ALANON for years and have been in IC. 

I have already started to excercise and clean the house and I still voice my opinion to him when he goes in there to drink, but I don't do it in a nagging tone. Then I go into my room and watch horror movies (or go on here) until I fall asleep. Oh, we have separate bedrooms because his snoring is like a jackhammer. 

I do not feel selfish for focusing on myself, now I know that it is a necessity and will make ME better. Years back I would have done the working out etc. hoping that hubby would follow. In other words, I would be manipulative which never got me anywhere. Now I really don't care what he thinks and what he does and focus on me getting better. If he notices and tries to follow suit that is a bonus! If not, I will still be strong and not make someone else's mood my own mood. 

This disconnect was great and I have all of you great people on here for such great advice!


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## Caligyrl

endlessgrief said:


> I'm glad I could give you a chuckle. My sense of humor (which is pretty warped) is what gets me through. Yes, I have been going to ALANON for years and have been in IC.
> 
> I have already started to excercise and clean the house and I still voice my opinion to him when he goes in there to drink, but I don't do it in a nagging tone. Then I go into my room and watch horror movies (or go on here) until I fall asleep. Oh, we have separate bedrooms because his snoring is like a jackhammer.
> 
> I do not feel selfish for focusing on myself, now I know that it is a necessity and will make ME better. Years back I would have done the working out etc. hoping that hubby would follow. In other words, I would be manipulative which never got me anywhere. Now I really don't care what he thinks and what he does and focus on me getting better. If he notices and tries to follow suit that is a bonus! If not, I will still be strong and not make someone else's mood my own mood.
> 
> This disconnect was great and I have all of you great people on here for such great advice!


Heck no...don't ever feel guilty for focusing on you-you're all you've got!! Do you have children? (I'm guessing no)
He knows it upsets you, he ignores that and does want he wants to anyhow (I'm with ya on that), but he waits till you go to bed to do it (points there I suppose). Does he drink during his "up" hours too-or just save it for his alone time? 
Disconnect is a wonderful thing-it will salvage your mental health. I am no counselor by any means, but as a person in about the same boat, I know if I don't look after me, I will soon go straight to hell in a bucket.


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## Chaparral

Caligyrl said:


> LOL!! I agree Chapparal-totally. In fact, during one of our fights about the time spent and the deterioration of our home and family due to his negligence I did give him an ultimatum. He chose the computer-so I started packing boxes. That did open his eyes a bit that I am dead serious about the damage he's doing. It's helped some.......
> We've had hours-long talks about it, usually heated because I have demanded him OFF the computer while we do. Now, he's trying to justify it-he's saving the country-one vote at a time.:bsflag: I can see what he posts and most of the time he's in heated arguments with people over subjects (political) he believes and they don't.
> 
> To give you a little background, he's on disability and I am on unemployment so I am subjected to this 24/7.
> So, at this time I can afford neither a M/C or a divorce lawyer-(which I don't really want), plus my home is 2,000 miles away. Do you have any suggestions? I would welcome them.


In our area, there are counselors available and paid for by the state. I don't have any experience with them but I hae heard they are good. What about your family, any help there? Look for an abuse hotline in your phone book and see if they can direct you. (not suggesting he's abusing you) 

I am not sure about cost, but people here have downloaded a divorce packet or picked one up at the county courthouse. I am not suggestingyou divorce him. I am very much against divorce in most instances. I like the idea of taking your time reading through the packet and filling it out and leaving it where pecker head can see it. A good shock may get him off his butt.

Any chance for jobs in your area?

There is a million oppurtunites to work out, jog, walk, weight lift, hair do etc. to improve your life and feel better. I like weight lifting, just to keep up, not bulk up and its like taking a happy pill.


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## Caligyrl

chapparal said:


> In our area, there are counselors available and paid for by the state. I don't have any experience with them but I hae heard they are good. What about your family, any help there? Look for an abuse hotline in your phone book and see if they can direct you. (not suggesting he's abusing you)
> 
> I am not sure about cost, but people here have downloaded a divorce packet or picked one up at the county courthouse. I am not suggestingyou divorce him. I am very much against divorce in most instances. I like the idea of taking your time reading through the packet and filling it out and leaving it where pecker head can see it. A good shock may get him off his butt.
> 
> Any chance for jobs in your area?
> 
> There is a million oppurtunites to work out, jog, walk, weight lift, hair do etc. to improve your life and feel better. I like weight lifting, just to keep up, not bulk up and its like taking a happy pill.


I love to work out. In my storage unit back home sits my Soloflex. I used it 3x a week. Exercise makes you feel alive-and yes, you are right, I really need to get back into it. I walk almost daily and always do stairs when possible, but its not enough. I'm afraid to go too far. I'm unfamiliar with the terrain-I come from the lush green midwest and now live in a semi desert.
Jobs are pretty scarce. The only offer I have gotten is for 1/4 of what I am getting on unemployment, so I could not in good faith take that. It's unreal out there. 
I will check into some of the free services if they exist. I guess I can make good use of my computer time.  Thank you!!


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## smith9800

Caligyrl said:


> The word "replace" is rhetorical....not literal. And yes-when you are basically ignored because someone is so absorbed in facebook and posting whatever that they don't even see you or hear anything you say for hours and hours day after day....YES-you have been replaced!!!


:iagree::iagree:
I completely agree with you. But you didn't understand what I meant to say. I meant that your spouse will not leave you because he is Facebook addicted. If you will warn him, I think, it will definitely work...


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## Chaparral

Google anger and adrenalin. Sounds like he gets worked up while he is argueing. It literally is a chemical addiction. Up until about 4 years ago, I spent a lot of time on a political forum. How useless did that turn out to be?


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## Caligyrl

smith9800 said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> I completely agree with you. But you didn't understand what I meant to say. I meant that your spouse will not leave you because he is Facebook addicted. If you will warn him, I think, it will definitely work...


No, he will not leave me because of facebook-its what happens while he's on there and the amount of time spent, as well as his obvious indifference to my feeling about it that will destroy us-as I will be the one to leave it all behind.

I have told him-and he tells me not to let the door hit me.:scratchhead:


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## Caligyrl

chapparal said:


> Google anger and adrenalin. Sounds like he gets worked up while he is argueing. It literally is a chemical addiction. Up until about 4 years ago, I spent a lot of time on a political forum. How useless did that turn out to be?


I keep telling him he's not going to be the savior of the country, yet he thinks he's making a difference. It's a moot point for me to tell or ask him to get off there. Been there, done that with no improvement.
He does get all fired up then keeps it going in my direction when he does get off there. UGH!


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## Caligyrl

OK...I need some advice here bad! The same issues with facebook, but add in the fact that this woman has latched onto him the last few months and thinks coz they are in their little 'secret' group he is her 'buddy'. He says its just a fun thing and they all "like" everything and holler for each other but I do not like it and have told him to either leave that group or block her. He said he would.....that was 2 weeks ago.
So today I see their posts and she again is liking everything he posts-but when I saw him liking hers....I blew my stack.
One-because he's keeping her on a string of sorts, and 2-because he never blocked her like he said he would.

Then when I said something, he went nutz and wrecked my rugs-burned them, set an easter basket on fire and burned the cats bed. OMG!!!! 
Do you naysayers still think I am wrong????


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## Goldmember357

:banghead::rofl:

all i can say


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## Chaparral

Caligyrl said:


> OK...I need some advice here bad! The same issues with facebook, but add in the fact that this woman has latched onto him the last few months and thinks coz they are in their little 'secret' group he is her 'buddy'. He says its just a fun thing and they all "like" everything and holler for each other but I do not like it and have told him to either leave that group or block her. He said he would.....that was 2 weeks ago.
> So today I see their posts and she again is liking everything he posts-but when I saw him liking hers....I blew my stack.
> One-because he's keeping her on a string of sorts, and 2-because he never blocked her like he said he would.
> 
> Then when I said something, he went nutz and wrecked my rugs-burned them, set an easter basket on fire and burned the cats bed. OMG!!!!
> Do you naysayers still think I am wrong????


MC or an attorney, let him choose. No money? Pickup a divorce packet at the county courthouse.


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## chatterbox

I know just how you feel, good luck! I having the same problem except my husband is contacting old schoolfriends some of them ex's..he promised he would shut down friendsreunited because we rowed about this, he said he did not know how much it affected me and so would stop as he loves me. Less than one year later he doing the same on facebook. I have just told him by letter we on 2 different paths and i need more time spent with me living in the now, not the past. Glad I am not the only one going through this I had to question wether I was being jealous or ungrateful for all the good things he does. But he knows how I feel about this and he has disregarded my feelings!


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## chatterbox

Caligyrl said:


> LOL...you crack me up!!  Well, it sure sounds like you have it way worse than I-my hubby does not drink at all anymore, which could be why he's created this new vice. :scratchhead: In any event, I support your doing for you mode. These behaviors cause insecurities and esteem issues that can tear us down. You have to take care of you-mentally, physically and emotionally. Having said that I would draw the line at flirting-whether harmless or not. It just adds fuel to a fire, plus it gives him ammo to use against you!
> Have you tried Al-anon? I know it's reaching, but they may have some answers for you.
> Removing yourself from the marriage is a great defense tool. You can't get hurt or upset if you don't see or hear it. I started to do that too, but he's trying to pull me back in-while maintaining his online presence. We will see how this works.
> You got an extra pair of those slippers?


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## The Lurker

Facebook addiction is all too real. Most people I know who are 18 and under are completely addicted to it. The sad thing is most of them don't have ANY clue how addicted they are.


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## amillionpieces85

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! That's just too much! Why the hell is he burning things?! And why are you STILL living under the same roof?!!!


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## Caligyrl

Sometimes I wonder that myself. I have a plan and am implementing that plan, but it takes time. My 'home' is 2500 miles away. I can't just up and leave.


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## Caligyrl

The Lurker said:


> Facebook addiction is all too real. Most people I know who are 18 and under are completely addicted to it. The sad thing is most of them don't have ANY clue how addicted they are.


That's very true!


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## Jimbob82

My wife is completely addicted to Facebook and she doesn't know it, or acknowledge the damage it does to our relationship. She will literally spend as much time as possible staring at it on her cellphone - morning, noon and night, right up until our bedtime. I purposely quit it forever last year as it was distracting me from her and the kids, but she cannot give it up.

I wouldn't mind her usage, but it's the way it is now at the EXPENSE of spending time with me and also the kids - time we could be chatting, chilling, having fun  is now eaten by her staring at the feakin' screen - what is so good about it that you have to be on it at 11:30 on a Thursday night!!!!!!


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## Caligyrl

Jimbob82 said:


> My wife is completely addicted to Facebook and she doesn't know it, or acknowledge the damage it does to our relationship. She will literally spend as much time as possible staring at it on her cellphone - morning, noon and night, right up until our bedtime. I purposely quit it forever last year as it was distracting me from her and the kids, but she cannot give it up.
> 
> I wouldn't mind her usage, but it's the way it is now at the EXPENSE of spending time with me and also the kids - time we could be chatting, chilling, having fun  is now eaten by her staring at the feakin' screen - what is so good about it that you have to be on it at 11:30 on a Thursday night!!!!!!


Jimbo-I completely understand your frustration. You feel as tho you have been replaced by a damn machine and all the people in it that are 'more important' than you, the kids, the home, or anything else. It's as tho she has a "I MUST log in to see who posted what". I get it-and live it everyday. 
I told my husband flat-out once it was either the GD computer or me. Choose. He was in his 'I am po'ed at your interference once again' so he actually said the computer. To be truthful in my situation, I have pretty much given up. But-for you...what is your story? Do you intend to let it continue or try to stop it? I know my marriage is on life support and am taking steps to protect myself and pave a way, but we have no kids or anything to worry about. My 3 cats will go with me when I do. 
I feel bad for you-it's like my life in reverse. If you do decide to fight it....be prepared for the worst. I have logged some of the things already here, but that is him-with BPD to boot!


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## Chaparral

Jimbob82 said:


> My wife is completely addicted to Facebook and she doesn't know it, or acknowledge the damage it does to our relationship. She will literally spend as much time as possible staring at it on her cellphone - morning, noon and night, right up until our bedtime. I purposely quit it forever last year as it was distracting me from her and the kids, but she cannot give it up.
> 
> I wouldn't mind her usage, but it's the way it is now at the EXPENSE of spending time with me and also the kids - time we could be chatting, chilling, having fun  is now eaten by her staring at the feakin' screen - what is so good about it that you have to be on it at 11:30 on a Thursday night!!!!!!


Have you actually checked to see what she is doing and who she is so interested in?

Maybe you should just disappear with the kids occasionally when she is distracted by her facebook life.

Get back on facebook and start posting facebook addiction problems you find through google.

Number one though is finding out who is so interesting to her. Is she texting a lot?


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## Caligyrl

Unhappy2011 said:


> What I don't understand, is with all the message boards out there where one can remain anonymous, why do some people choose to broadcast their political/religious views and personal drama on facebook?
> 
> Seems kind of dumb.


Very good question!! I wish I knew!


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## Cee Paul

I too spend a lot of time online on Facebook as well as other sites like this one mingling and interracting; because for the past few years all my wife wants to strictly talk about is problems at work - concerns about the house & bills - our pet's needs - and depressing stuff like that over and over and over. Now I am not against going over a few of those things here and there but not every single minute of every conversation; and when I try and change the subject to something funny or light hearted to break up all the depressing or stressful talk, she quickly tries to get us back to talking about all of that again.

*SIGH*


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