# Wife cheated before marriage



## cs22

Hi all, (and sorry for the long story)
I'm a newly married husband and my new wife just told me that she cheated on me while we were dating. We started dating in high school and I thought we had the perfect relationship. We were very intimate and had even discussed getting married after graduating college. However, during my senior year in college (we had been dating for 4 years at this point), she apparently starting seeing another guy. 

She developed feelings for this other guy and over the course of a year, she spent time at his place mostly watching movings, spooning, cuddling, etc. She swears nothing else happened during this time.

The summer after college graduation I noticed a change in her personality. We had a tiny fight about something pretty trivial-- not a bad fight, just a normal disagreement like most couples occasionally have. She called me the next day and said she wanted to take a break from our relationship. She vilified me during this conversation saying I was egotistical, self-centered, and lacking in the sexual area of our relationship. By the way, my family, friends and counselor all agreed that her assessment of my personality was not correct.

I was shocked and hurt because everything seemed to be going so well in our relationship. This essentially came out of the blue for me. I tried to get her to go to couples counseling with me, but she refused. However, she did promise to remain faithful and exclusive to me, saying she didn't want either of us to hook up with anyone while we were on break. She told me at the time that she just wanted a break so I could work on my personality issues. She didn't want to date or see anyone else...or so she told me.

Apparently, the night after she called me to ask for a break, she decided to start a more physical relationship with the other guy from college, despite promising to remain exclusive and faithful. The night she asked for the break, she slept with the other guy, but she promises that they only kissed topless at this time-- there was no sex, yet. She didn't start having sex with him until a couple weeks later. By the way, during this time, she was still asking for us to remain faithful to each other. I wasn't going out looking for girls because I assumed we were still exclusive. They only had sex for a week before the other guy stopped it. The other guy was ironically interested in another girl. 

After some time, we decided to get back together. However, while we were getting back together, she apparently hooked up with yet another guy! (different from college guy) She swears that they just hooked up a couple times and only kissed and fondled , no sex.

We got married a couple years later. However, I just found out this entire story now, during the second week of our marriage. I'm hurt because she didn't tell me until after we were married. I had just assumed that I was marrying someone who prided themselves on honesty-- I'm worried now that I assumed wrong...

To make matters worse, it took almost a week to get the entire story out. She would promise me that she had told me everything, and then I'd find out something more the next time we'd talk. 

I just don't know what to do now. I really love my wife, but I feel hurt, betrayed and used. I feel like the only reason she asked for the break was so she could start a more physical relationship with this other guy and not feel too guilty. I feel like she manipulated me during the break, too, since she made us promise to remain faithful to each other, while at the same time sleeping with some other guy! I feel like I have to keep questioning her honesty because she lied about remaining faithful to me all these years.

I'd appreciate any insight. I'm just feeling so empty right now. This is not what I wanted my first couple weeks of marriage to feel like.


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## keko

Find a lawyer a see if you can get an annulment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slater

Hate to say it but most likely she is lying. She had sex with them both As a husband with a spouse that cheated my advice is to get out now. You have plenty of time to find a better woman. she cheated on you twice already. Get tested for STDs and get a lawyer. Get it annulled if possible. 

Sorry man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

Dump her, that`s all that`s left to do.

You do realize she set this whole "seperation" thing up just so she could **** this guy right?


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## Shaggy

You should seek an annulment. She trapped you. She knew she cheated and that you would rightfully dump her for it. So she deliberately conspired to lie to you until the marriage.

Btw, if she was so good a easily choosing to cheat and strong you along, she's got tat ability still. She cheated at least twice without guilt, she could easily cheat without guilt now too.

Marriage requires trust, and only two weeks in you have learned that she cannot be trusted.

Annulment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

so she unleashed it bit by bit after you just got married (we call this trickle truth btw)

what a nice honeymoon!


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## lordmayhem

Shaggy said:


> You should seek an annulment. She trapped you. She knew she cheated and that you would rightfully dump her for it. So she deliberately conspired to lie to you until the marriage.
> 
> Btw, if she was so good a easily choosing to cheat and strong you along, she's got tat ability still. She cheated at least twice without guilt, she could easily cheat without guilt now too.
> 
> Marriage requires trust, and only two weeks in you have learned that she cannot be trusted.
> 
> Annulment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trust has been destroyed at the beginning of this marriage. Without trust, there's no foundation here. It will ALWAYS be there in the back of your head. In addition, she was able to do this, manipulate you into being faithful while she played around. 

You have been given a clear view of what's in store for the future if you stay with this woman. *She can ALREADY lie to you with a straight face.*


Immediately stop having sex with her - DO NOT get her pregnant
Don't walk...RUN to your nearest lawyer to see about annulment or divorce
Get her to leave the house if you can


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Been there. I saw the red flags of my ex cheating while we were engaged, but I went ahead and married him thinking he would quit. I was pregnant. I was wrong. He kept cheating with several other women. I left, 3 days later another woman moved in. Since then they married and I know of 3 women he slept with on her. 

I remarried a few years later and I have a wonderful husband whom I 100% trust! We've had the best 12 years of marriage so far and I can not imagine life without him. He feels the same way about me and we are a fabulous team.

Your early in the marriage. I personally would not stay. She's lied to you and broken the trust.


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## Martin12

Forget about it. It was two years ago and she decided to marry you.


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## bryanp

I agree with everyone else and see a lawyer about an annulment. She was cheating on you and putting your health at risk for STD's (if you believe she did not have sex then I have a bridge to sell you).

She wanted to have sex with one of these guys so she breaks up with you just to have sex with him. Your wife is quite the manipulator and a liar. I do not know how you could possibly ever trust her now and in the future. You married the wrong person and she tricked you. See a lawyer.


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## beenbetrayed

I was in a similar situation. I found out about my wife cheating just 3 months after we got married. As hard as it must be, you need to find a good lawyer and get an annulment immediately!! She will cheat on you again. This won't be the last of it if you stay with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

It would have been one thing to be up front and tell you that the both of you could sow your oats and agree to see other poeple.

Not the case at all!!!!!!!!!

That character flaw along gives you a big warning sign of things to come......even years from now.

In my case it was 5yrs.


Run Forest run

Or wait a few years (w/ kids & a mortgage) and then run, then you can come back to TAM and we can all tell you we told you so.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

I figure reading these replies must be pretty jarring and it's certainly NOT what you wanted to hear?. lol. 

I assume you don't want to divorce her and despite all that's happened your really only looking for a way to get through this?. Divorce, anulments, etc... aren't really 'on the table' for you yet. You might even be thinking 'annulment?! that's rediculous, i love her we are going to get through this...' Probably just trying to get your head around this and rationalize some of this pain away... ?

Sound about right?

If your going to try to make a life and family with this women there is really only one thing that MUST happen. There must be consequences. Your going to have to be willing to take this relationship all the way to the brink, it's got to be put to the test. Not half way, not token testing.... You have to play poker here. Her reactions and her behaviors to your 'willingness to walk' will tell you everything you need to know... She either 'comes to jesus' or she tries to manipulate you and play more head games...

That will tell you what you need to know.


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## In_The_Wind

get out now or you will be back here in a matter of time run dont walk to the nearest atty and see if you can get an anullment its just a matter of time when she says she needs to take a break in your marriage because she needs to find herself or something like that


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## cs22

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I figure reading these replies must be pretty jarring and it's certainly NOT what you wanted to hear?. lol.
> 
> I assume you don't want to divorce her and despite all that's happened your really only looking for a way to get through this?. Divorce, anulments, etc... aren't really 'on the table' for you yet. You might even be thinking 'annulment?! that's rediculous, i love her we are going to get through this...' Probably just trying to get your head around this and rationalize some of this pain away... ?
> 
> Sound about right?
> 
> If your going to try to make a life and family with this women there is really only one thing that MUST happen. There must be consequences. Your going to have to be willing to take this relationship all the way to the brink, it's got to be put to the test. Not half way, not token testing.... You have to play poker here. Her reactions and her behaviors to your 'willingness to walk' will tell you everything you need to know... She either 'comes to jesus' or she tries to manipulate you and play more head games...
> 
> That will tell you what you need to know.


^This is how I currently feel. I know most everyone is saying get an annulment/ divorce/ leave her...but those options are out of the question. When I gave her my vows, I promised to remain with her through trials and tribulations--not to just abandon ship when the seas got rough. I still love her unconditionally meaning I love her with no strings attached, past mistakes included. 

That being said, I'm still struggling with this. And after reading all of these posts, I am worried about future infidelity. Does everyone really believe "once a cheater, always a cheater," or are people really able to change? She has been crying along side me through this entire ordeal. It's hard for me to believe that she would ever do this again, but after reading many of these responses, I'm starting to worry again. Thanks everyone for your input so far.


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## Almostrecovered

to me it's not even about whether she will cheat again (altho if you rug sweep this then it becomes even more likely)

It's about the fact that this will take years to rebuilt trust and you just friggin' started! What's supposed to be the most fun and loving time of the marriage is now wrought with mistrust and pain. So to me the real question is whether is it worth rebuilding a relationship (yes you need to start over in a sense) that doesn't have a long history?


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## bryanp

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be acting the same way as you? She has suffered no consequences to her actions.


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## morituri

If you had known about her infidelity before you got married, would you still have married her?

By taking divorce off the table you are essentially giving her the opportunity to go out and cheat on you again without any consequences. If this happens, what are you going to do then?


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## ArmyofJuan

cs22 said:


> ^This is how I currently feel. I know most everyone is saying get an annulment/ divorce/ leave her...but those options are out of the question.


That's your weakness, don't tell her this or you lose all your power.





> hard for me to believe that she would ever do this again, but after reading many of these responses, I'm starting to worry again. Thanks everyone for your input so far.


It was pretty hard to believe the first time.

The other issue is now you know she will lie her a$$ off to protect herself and manupulate you. She didn't want you seeing other women while she lied and screwed other guys (didn't have sex lol). She is not an honest woman, are you sure that's what you want in a wife?


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## 67flh

buddy, i was in exactly the same boat as you, except MANY years ago. now that she's told you all of this and you have done nothing about it, in her mind she sees it as ---well he didn't do anything last time, so it won't hurt any if i screw this guy!!! buddy you got to be freaking nuts to stay with her....throw in a couple kids to the mix(if they are yours)and now you have multiplied your mess, and turned it into a disaster.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

cs22 said:


> ^This is how I currently feel. I know most everyone is saying get an annulment/ divorce/ leave her...but those options are out of the question. When I gave her my vows, I promised to remain with her through trials and tribulations--not to just abandon ship when the seas got rough. I still love her unconditionally meaning I love her with no strings attached, past mistakes included.


Ok, ok.... Blah, blah, blah. 

I'm not belittling your feelings or your diatribe about your values and true love will conquer all... But, that's all useless to you right now. Those emotionally driven thoughts/behaviors will betray you. It will cause you to short cut the process. 

You want to make this work? You have tough decisions and actions you must take. They will go against your instincts and you can't have your resolve weakened or you will fail. There is absolutely ZERO, ZILTCH, NADA chance this marriage stands the test of time if you do not put it to the test right now. You rug sweep any of this, it will be back to bite your a$$. 

I think you have good reason to believe this can be salvaged and you could walk away from this with a stronger bond and lifelong love and respect. But, it all hinges on your actions right now. 

Your in the eye of an emotional hurricane right now. When the winds die down and the sky starts to clear, thats when you will understand the damage. I promise you, there will be many days ahead of you where you will not know what your doing in this marriage. Second guessing yourself is something you have to look forward to for a very long time. 

You have to be the hero and lay the groundwork for true reconciliation now, put it to the test or that tiny little seed of relationship cancer she planted will eat you both alive. Promise.



cs22 said:


> That being said, I'm still struggling with this. And after reading all of these posts, I am worried about future infidelity. Does everyone really believe "once a cheater, always a cheater," or are people really able to change? She has been crying along side me through this entire ordeal. It's hard for me to believe that she would ever do this again, but after reading many of these responses, I'm starting to worry again. Thanks everyone for your input so far.


No, 'once a cheat, always a cheat' is not true. Again this all hinges on what you do right now.

I hope you can take this the right way, it's not intended to insult you. It's intended to help you understand and get the results I assume you came here for.


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## cs22

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts right now. I'm wondering what are the "consequences" that some people are mentioning? What consequences need to be set here? If there's no divorce, then what other consequences are there? Thanks.


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## morituri

cs22,

Normally I support a BS (betrayed spouse) attempts at R (reconciliation) but unfortunately in your case, there has not been a history of fidelity on her part. She has manipulated you into believing that each separation she would remain faithful but has not, do you think that now that she's married that she's going to change her ways? If you do then you are delusional.

Unless she acknowledges that she has a problem with being faithful and seeks to address it through IC (individual counseling), then it is only a matter of time before she does it again.


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## Vanton68

Man I can't tell you how many times when I was younger, that girls came over and got topless/naked and all we did was kiss. Then after that, we only had sporadic sex //sarcasm

If a girl comes over and has a physical relationship, IT ALMOST NEVER goes to being non-physical. You should assume that EVERY time she was with those guys that she was having sex.

Take it from somebody who has been there, you don't have any idea of how much betrayal you are dealing with. Divorce/annulment should be on the table. May I also suggest the polygraph.......

Good luck


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## ArabianKnight

CS22 get lost, you said divorce, papers, separation out of the questions. why are you here than? you asked for help and people gave their advice, not one, or two but more than 4 people who had similar experiences with cheater advised you what to do.
yes, she will cheat, and cheat again, she didnt even wait until honemoon is over to tell you cheated, why she waited until a week or two after getting married?
- is that assign she want to do it again and giving u a hint?
- or she knows you are easy manipulated and there is nothing you can do about it.
-

you said, not because of the high water waves you are going to aband the ship. DUDE WAKE UP, she F**up the ship and put two huge wholes inside your Ship.


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## ArabianKnight

or you ask her honey thats fine, but i have to do two men to be even, since you stopped me from doing so when you were cheating from getting physical with others.


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## Almostrecovered

cs22 said:


> Thanks again for everyone's thoughts right now. I'm wondering what are the "consequences" that some people are mentioning? What consequences need to be set here? If there's no divorce, then what other consequences are there? Thanks.



read the newbie link in my signature for starters


consequences- she has to know that divorce is on the table now and it is NOT an empty threat

she needs to be NC with the OM, hopefully this was already done, but she is never to contact him again and if he contacts her, she ignores it and tell you of it right away

she needs to be completely transparent and allow you to know her passwords and you to snoop all you like so you can regain trust

she needs to understand that even though it was some time ago, to you it is brand new 

she needs to stop the trickle truth now and if anything new comes up that she omitted then it is over

she needs to show true remorse and do the heavy lifting to help you heal


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## kenmoore14217

P.T. Barnum and myself love guys like you.


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## keko

Have her served with divorce papers, once she starts begging for forgiveness tell her this is the only chance you'll get don't fvck it up.

I still think you should dump her, like way before starting this thread.


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## Almostrecovered

he likely doesnt even need divorce papers, most states will allow an annulment at this early stage, so filing will be quick.


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## keko

Almostrecovered said:


> he likely doesnt even need divorce papers, most states will allow an annulment at this early stage, so filing will be quick.


Dude he loves her. He knows she will NEVER do such a thing again.... maybe only a few more times.

/sarcasm


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## Lordhavok

If you want to be a cuckhold, then by all means, stay with her


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## Hicks

You can relax a bit, you have time to think this all through, since she is not cheating right now.

Your probably don't have the complete story about her sexual history with these guys. For instance, a guy would not cuddle with a girl for 1 year with no sex. The sexual frustration would outweigh the fun of cuddling.

Now, in a college scenario, the odds were way stacked against you. You were familiar, boring, and too far away to meet her emotional needs. She wasnt' focused on marriage. Other's by virtue of their closeness could easily move in. 

Another key point is when people are young a and in college they behave differently then when they become mature. I used to chug beer and throw toilet paper on trees.... I don't do that type of thing any more.

So what you have to discern is who is your wife? Is she a cheater or was she just young and immature. You can't tell this right now, but you should figure out who she is before you purchase a house or bring a child into your marriage. But the good news is marriage is about figuring out who your partner really is deep inside.

So there are a few things you do know that are important. 1. She has the ability to cheat if you get distant from her. Never forget this but know that she is not unique. 2. She is willing to tell you this after marriage but not before marriage. That to me is a danger signal. Many women do a bait and switch in that they want to be married... So they act a certain way before marriage and change after marriage. For example, they go sexless or get fat.

So you have to make sure your wife is demonstrating commitment to meeting your emotional needs through constant action. 

Personally in your shoes I would do the following.
1. Decide you are not having kids for 10 years.
2. Don't buy a house.
3. Understand what it is you want in a wife and communicate it to her.
4. Assure that she is willing to give up all secrecy regarding friendships, cell phone passwords and all of these things.... and Willing is the key word. She must be GLAD to do this and not see it as a burden.
5. Assure that in your marriage by policy that neither of you will have a friend of the opposite sex.
6. Make sure that she is willing to meet your emotional and physical needs as her husband, with a pleasant and creative attidude.

Now, you don't want to divorce her. Couple of points to make here. 1. You can tell her that you are considering divorce, planning to divorce, wanting to divorce etc without actually intending to file for divorce. 2. You should set things up in your marriage that you have certain non negotiable requirements and policies that if she does not abide by, then SHE IS CHOOSING not to be your wife.


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## Shaggy

She lied. She knowingly and deliberately lied to you so she could cheat. She did it in such a way as to keep you in the dark that you were actually at times just a backup and at times in an open relationship. Except only she knew it, and only she got to sleep with others.

And it was over a long period of time. 

You even now don't have all the details, other than you know she is a guiltless liar who did all this without a second though or moral issue.

You don't know for sure that she didn't have a nice last fling the weeks before the wedding, or hook up with a guy at her bachelorette party. You never will know because she lies so easily and so well.

Does that sound like someone you can trust to stay true? Does that sound like someone who actually respects you?

Dude she was laughing with these other guys about how you had no clue while she was in bed with them and on dates. Those times she was visiting with a sick friend, she was blowing you off for another guy.

Ask her why did those guys dump her? Did they wise up and realize that she actually has no empathy or morals?

Ask her why she waited until she thought you were nice and trapped before it came out?

Btw how did you find out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

The biggest problem here is that she still hasn't told you the real truth. Unless you're incredibly naive you must know that she in fact had sex with both men multiple times. Look, college age kids don't have topless makeout sessions and not have sex. Get real. She's still holding on to her lie and is afraid and unwilling to tell you what she's really done. My guess is that is partly because she likely did things with them that she wouldn't think of allowing with you. After all, you're the fallback guy for after she got dumped.

Personally, I'd be out. If I had to stay, I'd require a poly at the very least. She needs to understand fully that you can't and don't trust a word that comes our of her mouth. That her lying is assumed everytime she talks. Requiring her to submit to a poly will tell her that loud and clear. She also needs to hand over her email passwords, facebook password etc... She needs to understand that she is not trustworthy and will have to build that back up.


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## morituri

SprucHub said:


> I think people on this board are going way overboard. We are talking about actions of a college girlfriend. This is what college and youth is about - making mistakes so you don't make them again.
> 
> These were not affairs that happened after she took her vows. I think people become jaded based on what has happened to them after being married and trying to prevent that from happening to others, but if people who cheated on a SO in college are the equivalent of cheating spouses, then there is no hope for marriage.
> 
> Yes, he should absolutely be attuned to suspicious behavior, but college misbehavior is not a fair weathervane for someone's post-college life. The way I see it is cheating on an SO in college is like smoking pot in college whereas cheating on a spouse is like stealing from your parents to purchase crack. Of the same variety of behaviors but not morally equivalent. And smoking pot in college does not mean you'll do it after college (and definitely does not imply you'll move on to heroine).
> 
> I know many happy couples that were couples that explored while dating. It is part of life, particularly for people that met young and have not had many, if any, other experiences.


I totally disagree with you. 

If the two of them had gone their separate ways with an understanding that they could date and sleep with others then I would have no issue with her. But she made it quite clear to him that their separation meant that there would be no dating or sex with others. In other words, she conveyed to him that they were in a committed relationship.

Just because there was no piece of legal paper that stated they were married, doesn't make their committed relationship prior to marriage irrelevant.


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## Eli-Zor

If you had known about her sleeping with this guy you would have had the choice to marry her or not. Now your married, you've been told the bad news and you probably feel trapped, if she can hide a lie as big as this then what else is she capable of.

The only one who can decide what to do next is you, professing your love for her will cloud your judgement . This is a big decision : do you want to spend the rest of your marriage knowing your wife is very capable and willing to cheat on you , or do you want to take a different direction and annul / D the marriage. If you do decide to remain married put the time and effort into creating boundaries and marriage guidelines that both of you follow equally .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity

Get out before you bring any kids into this. She tested the water before taking the plunge. You're her back up choice, simple as. I don't see what's their to love in a person who has so little regard for you.


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## TorontoBoyWest

morituri said:


> I totally disagree with you.
> 
> *If the two of them had gone their separate ways with an understanding that they could date and sleep with others then I would have no issue with her. But she made it quite clear to him that their separation meant that there would be no dating or sex with others. In other words, she conveyed to him that they were in a committed relationship.*
> 
> Just because there was no piece of legal paper that stated they were married, doesn't make their committed relationship prior to marriage irrelevant.


What she ended up saying to you OP was that she could do whatever she wanted to do but you needed to "stay on the leash". Does that say respect to you? Does that say commitment? 

You were her backup plan. 

She lied to you then. More then likely she is lying to you now.

Is that someone you want to be in a LTR with?

You not showing her that there are consequences for that time is saying to her that you dont respect yourself. Do you really think that she will have respect for you if you don't?

Do you really think she wont do it again knowing that?


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## TBT

cs22 said:


> ^This is how I currently feel. I know most everyone is saying get an annulment/ divorce/ leave her...but those options are out of the question. When I gave her my vows, I promised to remain with her through trials and tribulations--not to just abandon ship when the seas got rough. I still love her unconditionally meaning I love her with no strings attached, past mistakes included.
> 
> That being said, I'm still struggling with this. And after reading all of these posts, I am worried about future infidelity. Does everyone really believe "once a cheater, always a cheater," or are people really able to change? She has been crying along side me through this entire ordeal. It's hard for me to believe that she would ever do this again, but after reading many of these responses, I'm starting to worry again. Thanks everyone for your input so far.


My take is she probably knew how serious you would take your vows knowing the person you are and that's why she waited until now.Maybe she wanted to tell you,and really does want to be with you,but knew it would be a deal breaker.She still trapped you by not allowing you to make a clear choice and that's totally self-serving.Kinda makes me wonder what else she would do to get her way.


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## TDSC60

You now have seen a preview of your life if you stay married to her.

She will lie to you.
She will trickle truth you.
She will hide her true intentions.
She will attempt to control YOUR behavior by telling you "Oh we can have GNO/BNO, but don't you dare look at another girl". Meantime she is the life of the party where ever she is headed.
She will cheat - repeatedly.
She will not change.

OK, if you can accept and live with this behavior, stay married to her and buckle your seat belt, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

If this is not the life you want - do not let "love" cloud your judgement, annulment now.


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## Shaggy

And the real kicker is that since she knows that what she would do is to dump you, if you just choose to stay and forget she will loose even more respect for you. Damned if you do damned if you don't.

She knows what she would do and he won't be able reconcile that and respect you for accepting being a doormat.

At a minimum I think a separation for you to think, and some counseling is needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration

Think about this. Your wife only came back to you after the other guy dumped her. You do realize this, don't you? That means that you were the second choice. Oops excuse me, third choice since she had sex with the other guy too. Just what assurances do you have that you will not be second choice again? None. You need to have her take a polygraph test. She is a liar. Your commitment to her says a lot about you. Unfortunately it says nothing about HER. Children with her, out of the question at this point. Consequences should be stiff as Hicks points out. No privacy phones, computers. No opposite sex friends. Complete exposure to family members (especially parents) and friends. They need to look at her in the light of day too. At this point, you yourself admit that she is still trickle truthing you. THIS SHOWS THAT SHE IS STILL.......A LIAR. 

You cannot have any security in your marriage with her at this point. No trust at all. you married her under false pretenses. In essence she tricked you into marrying her. Forgiveness is not the issue here. FUTURE TRUST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS. You literally married a stranger. Just because you believe in your vows doesn't mean that she did. If you choose to remain in a marriage with her, first you need to find out who she is. 

I would at minimum tell her that you are going to need to take "a brake" in your relationship. Make her move out and back with her parents. Also I would emphasize to her that THIS TIME, unlike her reasons to "take a brake before, which were so you could have sex with other men". This time "this brake will be for me to think if I can even stay married to you, because I simply can't believe a F$%&ING word you say. You will be expected to remain faithful and will be required to take a lie detector test before I even consider remaining with you." You may at anytime tell me that you want a divorce, and do not want to go through the hard work of trying to restore our marriage, and I reserve the same right. IF I decide to stay married to you, our relationship will be different. You will not be allowed any male friends EVER. We will only associate with couples and never separately. You will be required to live a transparent life. And children may or may not ever happen. I also reserve the right to divorce you in the future if I can't get over you wh*%$ing around." 

Document everything and get a post nup agreement written up for your protection. Good luck.


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## DanF

cs22,
I am sure that this was a blow to you, your ego, and your (for lack of a better word) manliness.
About 6 years into my marriage, my wife confessed that when we were first dating, she was also still dating her (then) current boyfriend. I assumed that they were having sex and at first I was pretty mad. I held my tongue and thought about it over a couple of days and then a thought hit me.
She married me.
She loved me.
We were in our teens and she was looking for the best mate.
I won.
So did you.

If it is really bothering you, tell her that she has one chance to answer all of your questions and then do your best to put it behind you. She made a mistake and you two were not yet married. She was likely fishing and you were the best catch.

I was (after running it through my head some) happy that my girl chose me and not the other guy.


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## TorontoBoyWest

DanF said:


> cs22,
> I am sure that this was a blow to you, your ego, and your (for lack of a better word) manliness.
> About 6 years into my marriage, my wife confessed that when we were first dating, she was also still dating her (then) current boyfriend. I assumed that they were having sex and at first I was pretty mad. I held my tongue and thought about it over a couple of days and then a thought hit me.
> She married me.
> She loved me.
> We were in our teens and she was looking for the best mate.
> I won.
> So did you.
> 
> If it is really bothering you, tell her that she has one chance to answer all of your questions and then do your best to put it behind you. She made a mistake and you two were not yet married. She was likely fishing and you were the best catch.
> 
> I was (after running it through my head some) happy that my girl chose me and not the other guy.


This would only work IF your wife at that the time she was dating both men told YOU that YOU were not allowed to date others.

THAT is the issue here. The fact that OP's wife chose him is completely different then your wife choosing you when that is taken into consideration.

OP's wife promised a seperation with no outside involvement and lied.


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## DanF

TorontoBoyWest said:


> This would only work IF your wife at that the time she was dating both men told YOU that YOU were not allowed to date others.
> 
> THAT is the issue here. The fact that OP's wife chose him is completely different then your wife choosing you when that is taken into consideration.
> 
> OP's wife promised a seperation with no outside involvement and lied.


Easy, killer.
I am not condoning it or telling the OP that it's okay.
I simply had a similar experience and shared.


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## river rat

cs22, I'm not one of the ones that believes "once a cheater, always a cheater." However, people do tend to stay true to their basic character. I saw red flags shortly after my marriage, but did not know what to make of them. It was many years later that she cheated, at least, as far as I know. My decision to leave her finally set us on the road to recovery. And we are still married. But it has taken a lot of effort on both our parts. Had I known what the red flags meant in the first year of our marriage, would I have stayed? I truly can't say. Whatever your decision, you need to address the flaws in her character that allowed her to do this horrible deed. If you decide that the future is too much of an uphill battle, no one would fault you for leaving. By the way, what prompted her to tell you at this point?


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## TDSC60

Show of hands here. Have you ever seen or heard of a wife reconnecting with an old BF and just had to get involved out of some unresolved issue?

Wow - that many!! I rest my case.

If she was dumped by these guys, she is just waiting for the chance to show them what they gave up on. 

All have seen the story......
My wife reconnected with a BF from high school.....
My wife reconnected with a BF from college.......
My wife of 20 years was contacted through Facebook by old BF.......

The story is much too common and she has already shown a need to reconnect with BFs who have walked away from her in the past.

Odds are not in OPs favor.


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## bandit.45

This situation is exactly what annulments were created for. She flat lied to you and on top of that manipulated you into staying single while she banged other guys. She had no respect for you then and you are kidding yourself if you think she has changed her tune. 

Get while the going's good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat

bandit.45 said:


> This situation is exactly what annulments were created for. She flat lied to you and on top of that manipulated you into staying single while she banged other guys. She had no respect for you then and you are kidding yourself if you think she has changed her tune.
> 
> Get while the going's good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit, couldn't agree more. I was trying to be gentle, but he needs to hear this.


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## TDSC60

Get the annulment.

Nothing says that you cannot date each other. Live with each other. Even marry again a few years down the road when you both have a dose of the real world.

One thing about young people - they never think it can happen to them. 

They think they are some how immune from the troubles of the world.

Wake up guy.


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## Beowulf

Why can't you get an annullment and start working on a fresh relationship built on honesty and integrity? Nothing says you two can't start over the right way.


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## Catherine602

She cheated repeatedly and waited until she thought he could not walk away to reveal her betrayal. 

I am not advising him to just up and leave but to consider carefully. He loves her or he loves what he thought she was. 

Now he has to consider if he can love a woman who appears to be self centered, deceptive and manipulative. We all have faults, so perhaps he loves her so much that he can contemplate marriage and children with her. 

He may have to deal with her selfishness and further deceptions that may wear away his love but that is for him to say. 

He has to consider that if he met her today, would he want to marry and have children with her? He can also consider that a break up will be painful but it will offer him the opportunity to date other women and to select one with a character that matches his.


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## the guy

He loves his chick and he ain't going any were. He knows it, W knows it and we know it. 
If she has the consequences and faces them then there will be a chance for a few years of marital pliss.
Put with time the both of them will have a better perspective on the marriage, and as he works to provide, his wife will work to fill the void that OP job and his resentment created.

Its a damb shame!!!!!


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## cs22

Thanks again everyone for your input. Just an update, she has given me Facebook and gmail passwords. She offered me access to her old computer and is letting me read old chat logs and e-mail conversations. She even let me run recovery software to find any deleted conversations and e-mails. I think her actions really show that she is trying to build trust in the relationship. So far, everything I've found (and I've found a lot....) has pretty much confirmed her story. It also looks like she's been faithful to me for the last two years. It's uplifting to see that she's at least been honest about the past so far.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

File for divorce and move on before she traps you with a couple of kids. Lest you find yourself in a situation similar to mine where an old flame comes out of the woodwork and tears your world apart.

Listen, you were her second, possibly third, choice. In my case, choice #1 came along and destroyed my 'happy' marriage twenty years later.

Run Forest Run!


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## Count of Monte Cristo

SprucHub said:


> I think people on this board are going way overboard. We are talking about actions of a college girlfriend. This is what college and youth is about - making mistakes so you don't make them again.
> 
> These were not affairs that happened after she took her vows. I think people become jaded based on what has happened to them after being married and trying to prevent that from happening to others, but if people who cheated on a SO in college are the equivalent of cheating spouses, then there is no hope for marriage.
> 
> Yes, he should absolutely be attuned to suspicious behavior, but college misbehavior is not a fair weathervane for someone's post-college life. The way I see it is cheating on an SO in college is like smoking pot in college whereas cheating on a spouse is like stealing from your parents to purchase crack. Of the same variety of behaviors but not morally equivalent. And smoking pot in college does not mean you'll do it after college (and definitely does not imply you'll move on to heroine).
> 
> I know many happy couples that were couples that explored while dating. It is part of life, particularly for people that met young and have not had many, if any, other experiences.



In most cases, how you do anything is how you do everything. She's a nasty and vile person.


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## BigLiam

I understand the "only a college mistake" analysis. In my marriage, I knew my XW had been involved as an OW to a married man before I met her. I chalked her actions up to youthful idiocy.
Now, I realize one cannot make assumptions about your wife based on my own XW's subsequent actions.
But, i would be extremely careful about having kids for a long time, and I would keep my eyes and ears open. She may bery well be a bad seed. You need to consider this.


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## the guy

In the list of consequences it looks like you've checked a few off, you still have the IC appointment, thats the biggy. She really needs to understand why she behaved the way she did and what made her think the way she did when telling you one thing and acting completely the oppisite. That character flaw must be addressed in IC.


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## snap

Martin12 said:


> Forget about it. It was two years ago and she decided to marry you.


It's not just up to her to decide it, dude.


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## bandit.45

cs22 said:


> It's uplifting to see that she's at least been honest about the past so far.


Except for the time in the past when she wasn't being honest. Look friend, she's a manipulator and she is manipulating you now. Okay so she is playing remorseful now, we're talking about character here. What kind of character does a person have to have in order to willingly cheat on someone they profess to love with multiple partners while telling that person they could not do the same?

Character. 

Anyone can act remorseful and be "sorry". You need a woman who can actually live it and hold herself to a higher standard of conduct. Your wife blew that test. She is not wife material and never will be. 

Or maybe if you get the marriage annulled, stay friends and allow her to go out and sow her wild oats, maybe five or ten years down the road you can get back together after she has gained a bit of wisdom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam

I agree. The behavior in the past was so egregious, it is hard to classify it as a young person's mistake.
I could buy that if it was just breaking up and experimenting with others. But, the subterfuge of allowing you to think you had an agreement re refraining yourself is fairly nefarious.
Not many people who are wired normally(with a conscience and empathy etc) could do this to another person, let alone someone they allegedly care for. It is selfish in the extreme and 20 year olds , pretty much, have their values established by that age/ They may be foolish, but this is beyond that. It is just plain cruel and selfish.
If those qualities are still in a person at 20, they are not going away.


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## Chaparral

You have been asked several times how/why she gave you this information. Is there a reason why you are not answering this question?

Since your going to try and weather this:

Read " Married Man Sex Life"

Talk to a lawyer about a post nup.

Leave divorce/annulment on the table and at least pretend you are not the most gullible man on earth LOL

Absolutely no GNO's (BNOs either) ever

No drinking with out you

No separate vacations

Always have passwords to everything including work emails accts etc

No close male friends 

etc.etc.etc.

Good luck


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## Saffron

Incredibly difficult and hard situation for you to deal with, I'm so sorry.

I understand the "immature college mentality" POV and remember the whole "taking a break" routine, but I do agree with other posters that your wife took it to an extreme. I'm still not sure why this all came up for you two now. Did your wife confess or get busted? Believe it or not, one seems worse in my mind and it's probably not the one you think.

Questions to ponder . . . Is your wife truly learning from her past? Is she evolving in her maturity? Does she see the selfishness in her past actions and in not confessing before marriage? Can she see that pursuing other men in college was also chasing after a fantasy? Will she long for the fantasy again someday? The only way to get answers is to let her know that you could walk away.

R after infidelity is incredibly hard. My H and I have had 15 years and two children together and it's still not a 100% that our marriage will survive his betrayal. Marriage, finances, and children take their toll on even the healthiest of marriages, so think about where you two are right now and the uphill battle ahead of you. Perhaps you think you're ready for the climb, but is your wife? Time and actions will tell.


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