# Husband and neighbor (long version)



## Cf.03 (Oct 6, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for 12 1/2 years and have 3 children. Over the past year, it hasnt been a great marriage. We would come home from work and kind of just do our own thing. Never really together. We never really talked or anything. He was a heavy drinker and i dont drink at all! About 6 months ago he started texting a girl from work, who consequently is also our neighbor across the street. He would text her over 300 times a day. From 5am till 2 am, while I was in bed and he was on the couch because "he wasn't tired yet and was going into the living room to watch tv". He would text her after we had sex and tell her we just had sex. He would invite her and her husband over to hang out in the garage, while I was home. He told me they met up to take a walk for over an hour, twice, late at night, while everyone was sleeping. He would tell her he really liked her and he wanted to do things to her, but never said what, in the text. From the texts that I read, he never said what, just that he wanted to do things to her. He bought her coffee from McDonald's in the mornings. I found the text messages on his phone one night when he went to bed early. I had a feeling something was going on because he always used to talk about how annoying she was and how bad she was at her job and would even make fun of her to other co-workers, then somewhere along the road it turned into all good things about her and how nice she was and how she could help do this, or let us borrow that and blah blah blah. I read a few text but jumped the gun because I was upset and woke him up to ask him about it. He denied cheating on me and ripped the phone out of my hands and left for a few hours and deleted every text and her contact info. When he returned he would not let me call her to ask about it. He swore they just talked and never touched or kissed or even held hands. He kept saying "we didnt do anything wrong, we were joking, I didn't cheat, we were just friends". Every question i asked, his reply was: i was drunk, i dont remember. I dont know. He said all they did was talk about work and never talked in person about having sex, only texted back and forth about that. He said it has been going on for about 2 weeks, then a couple days later, he said 3 weeks. He changed his phone number and immediately started looking for a new job. When he went to work the next day, he told me he went into her building and told her he was done talking and texting and being friends with her because "his wife found out", only email about work and nothing else, he told me she said "we didnt even do anything wrong" which he replied to her, "I'm just glad we never did anything" That weekend when I was using his phone to check his email for him, I seen he emailed the girl, along with the rest of the employees, his new number. He said he just sent it out in a mass email and never thought about it! After I found out, he changed his number again. He says he never spoke to her at work or anything after that. He was a heavy drinker prior to this and he quit drinking completely. He is always home now and we now do things together as a couple or as a family. He seems genuinely happy, but I still don't understand how he could potentially jeapordize our family and relationship "and never thought about it". When she text him and asked him what they would do if "his wife or her husband found out", his reply was: there are going to be 2 very jealous people. But yet he swears they never did anything physical, even when they took a walk to the school in the middle of the night for over an hour, that He told me about. He stated it was to talk about work, even though the text prior to meeting up read " I'm drunk and very understanding, ur upset and very understanding. . . Tell me what could happen" I am a very active woman, not overweight by any means, no stretch marks from kids, and I take care of my appearance, but not obsessively. She is overweight and does not seem to care about her appearance. He has admitted to everything I knew and even offered some information I didn't. The only thing is, him and I are the same age, whereas she is 8 years younger than him. He continued to work for 4 weeks with her while looking for a new job. He has since, started a new job and quit drinking, and changed his phone number, however, she is still our neighbor. He says he f*ed up and would take it all back if he could. He says it was the biggest mistake of his life, but he wouldn't tell her that when I asked him to. He says he "doesn't have any reason to talk to her" but whenever I question him about something or get upset about what he did, he says he doesn't remember and they were just friends and storms out of the house and says he's not coming back until I quit talking/asking about it. He still cannot tell me why he did it. He says it was just something different, he wasn't sure what he wanted and she was "convenient". Like seriously, she's convenient when me (his wife) is at home? He says he never had feelings for her, they were just "joking around". He just kept telling me "i was drunk, we were joking around" but to me its not a joke at all when ur married with kids and speak so sexually to another woman, even if he's truthful about it not being physical.* He did some serious damage. He admitted to what i read and even told me some text i didnt see.He seems like He doesn't want anything to do with her now, but I'm just not sure how strong the feelings for her were or if anything physically happened between them. He says he realized how bad he hurt me but now knows he wants to be with only me. I even called around to places that do lie detector tests, just because i feel like that is the only way i will know for certain that nothing physical happened between them. He swears nothing did, but with the text i read and them taking walks in the middle of the night and erasing the text to hide it and everything for 3 weeks and "was drunk and dont remember" im just not convinced. He said he's glad I found out because it was starting to get To him, even tho he was still texting her non-stop that very day. To me, the only logical explanation for meeting up and 300+ text each day and what i read, is physical intimacy, not just emotional. Now to top it off, she is pregnant. They both swear its her husbands, but she conceived within the 3 weeks they were "joking around" with eachother. He has offered to go to counseling, but it is not within our budget right now. He has offered to move, but we just bought our "dream house". Her husband doesn't seem effected by what happened, but I'm not so sure he knows many details. I'm not sure what to make of this. He refuses to talk about it, but my heart hurts when I think of how he could possibly do this to his family or how to be sure they are not going to sneak around behind my back again. I just feel heartbroken, still after 6 months, and I just don't understand how he can say he loves me if he so blatantly did this. It is a first marriage for each of us and we don't fight much anymore, but I still think about it all the time. I even wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, dreaming about them being intimate. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he says the same to me. He says he just wants to move forward and forget about that and try to make it up to me and build a new relationship (obviously better than it was before). We go to bed and wake up together now. I am just so lost on reasoning or how he could possibly jeapordize everything unless he truly had strong feelings for her, and if he did, those don't just go away over night. Is it truly possible that it was only emotional and texting for 3 whole weeks even tho they met up? Once was to walk to the gas station to get cigarettes cuz he had been drinking and couldnt drive. The other was a walk to the school park for over an hour to "talk about what was upsetting her at work." Both were late at night, while everyone was sleeping. He quit telling me they were joking and he quit saying they didnt do anything wrong. Any advice on how to get past this or anything helpful at all or am I blowing this out of proportion?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I have to agree. Something's really fishy here. Please do NOT sweep this under the rug. I've read enough to see that there's still more to the story.

Focus on yourself for now. Pay attention to his actions.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Please re-edit with some Paragraphs to separate your thoughts.


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

Hi @Cf.03

First, I am really, truly sorry that you find yourself here. I read your whole post and I can feel the pain and confusion.

Second, you need to know that your pain and confusion is absolutely VALID. What is happening here is not normal, and it is not okay. Do not let him tell you otherwise. You are not overreacting or jumping at shadows.

Third, I am confident in both of those statements because your situation was my situation 1 year ago. Almost exactly:

1) My wife and I had a next-door neighbor. Previously he was a "dope" then suddenly he became a friend.
2) She texted him constantly (though in contrast to you I was unaware as she kept it hidden from me)
3) She deleted all texts and put up "walls" to keep herself from doing anything (walls that were intentionally full of holes -- much like your husband changing his number... and then accidentally including her on the email updating his colleagues)
4) Eventually my wife began sexting this neighbor
5) When asked if she was cheating she denied it (part of a much larger conversation) 
6) And then began sleeping with him anyway until I caught them a few months later.

Does any of that sound familiar? If it's any consolation, you are LIGHT YEARS ahead of where I was a year ago. You already see the signs, you already know in your gut what is going on (up until the night I confronted her I was still half-convinced I was losing my mind. I didn't find this site until weeks afterward. So you're being pro-active already, that is HUGE, so please don't feel like you're not doing things right)

Of course, I'm sure you still have doubts. That's also completely normal. Yes, it's possible they haven't slept together -- though highly unlikely given the discussions of sex, proximity, and middle of the night walks (yes, my wife went for walks in the park as odd times as well... and I can tell you that my wife and our neighbor weren't just "talking").

But let's just pretend for a second that no body parts (hands, lips, or otherwise) ever came into contact. They are "just friends" through and through. The reality is that you still have a cheating husband. You still have a husband doing things that you DO NOT LIKE... and then telling you the problem is not that he's being an *sshole, it's that you're overreacting.

This is NOT what a respectful, loving marriage looks like. At the very least, he is being unfaithful with his affections and is refusing to be fully open and honest with you. That's the BEST case scenario. And that is rightfully a dealbreaker. You are RIGHT to be upset about this.

But I think we both know you're not living in the best case scenario right now. In my mind, everything you outline is a clear indication that he already has and is almost definitely continuing to have sex with her, may even find himself falling in love with her.

So now you figure out next steps.

1) I would talk to a lawyer, tell your husband or don't tell him, but just figure out what separation might look like (crucially, you don't need to make a decision about actually proceeding with it tonight, or next week or even next month, but just get the information and take the steps for it to begin)

2) Get as much sleep as you can, cut out alcohol if you drink even the occasional glass

3) Keep exercising, it'll help a lot

4) Find a counselor (my advice would be to go OUTSIDE the church to a licensed professional) just to talk out your feelings. Telling close friends and family also proved to be very helpful in my case.

5) And then, most importantly, be absolutely clear with him that he crossed a line. He needs to get it together and start respecting you and being open, honest, and willing to do what you ask. There is no "well we both messed up" to be discussed.

He messed up. He must make absolutely massive amends. And all of that only so you get to the point where you decide... is it worth it for me to stay with a person who was okay abusing me like this?

He abused you. You don't have to put up with it. And you are in good company here. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but there is help to be found.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

@Cf.03
I agree with @JayOwen and @Spoons027 , and I'm going to add something that took a while to sink in for me:

It is entirely acceptable (and almost necessary for your sanity) for you not to trust your husband right now. And you don't have to hide that from him, or pretend otherwise to anyone. You don't have to believe him when he says that "nothing" happened beyond what he has told you. He doesn't get to play the trust card - because he already destroyed it. 

We all have a picture of what marriage should look like in our heads. For many of us, that picture has very specific rules about how trust between spouses should work. When we start to see things that aren't aligned with that picture, we often try to push them aside because we simply don't have a mental space to put the thought of "I don't trust my spouse"or "I don't believe whatever he/she is telling me." 

There are red flags in what you write. My guess is that there are far more substantial things that you still need to know. There is a very good reason that this is still weighing on your mind. Your husband may be too ashamed to tell you the full truth, or he may not feel that he owes you the truth. Or maybe he doesn't want to face it himself. It doesn't actually matter what his reasons are. The future health of your marriage requires his full honesty for you to go forward. And you can ask him for that as long as it takes for you to believe him. And you can also ask for whatever additional proof you need that he is telling the truth. And perhaps, after you have worked through your broken trust with him, you may find out that he has already shared the full truth with you. Well that's OK - a consequence of his actions to-date is that you know he is capable of deception and disloyalty. So your "lack of trust" is not disloyal, it is simply a rational and protective response based on his past actions. 

I asked my husband to take a polygraph when I was in a similar place to you. And he did and he passed. But the fact that I didn't initially believe him was a very powerful message. To him and to me. 

Thinking of you.


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