# Just Found Out Wife had An Affair 9 Years Ago



## MarriedFor20Years (Sep 28, 2012)

My wife travels a lot alone. I let her travel freely to see music, visit friends, get some rest, etc. She is away right now, and has been away since December 29th, and we were not together for New Years Eve (I trust her). Setting her free to grow and learn has always been my style, but it now looks like she did the nasty for a few years while traveling, and what's worse, with a friend of ours. 

Today, I needed to find some documents in her office, and came across a diary from 2003-2005. In it she describes a love affair she had with our friend, and the details are pretty graphic. I am in shock, but now not surprised, as since these years our love life has cratered. It all makes sense now. She has been cold and depressed, insulting me when looking to be intimate (see my other 2 posts on this).

This past Summer I had a dream that she was having affairs while traveling. I confronted her, and she denied it, but I now know my intuitions were right. Subtle hints over the years should not have been ignored.

Now what do I do? Just the thought of kissing her lips after reading about her BJ's to this guy, and how he made he climax, makes me never want to have sex with her again. Did they have unprotected sex? Did she expose me to STD's? does she still want him?

I want to divorce her right away. However, our youngest is still 13. I make a lot of money so maybe she is just hanging on. I love our kids. My love for her ended today.

What should my next steps be? She comes home tomorrow and I know I am going to be a mess? 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Stay calm show her the diary. Now you know why there was no sex she was getting it somewhere else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Leave the diary open on the kitchen table and stay somewhere else for a few days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Have her take a polygraph test.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

We won't discuss the wisdom of letting her travel alone for 'fun'. 
But that is probably not why she decided to become involved in an affair. 

If she has been distant and cold with you recently, then the odds of her being in an affair at the moment are very high. 

Do not make any marriage-changing decisions right now though. 
Take some time. Is it possible for you to arrange an innocent looking trip away from the house for a few days?

You should first consult a lawyer to find out what your rights and responsibilities are/would be in a separation or divorce. 

You should investigate for signs and evidence of an ongoing affair. 

While she's gone, keylog her computer if it is home. When she comes home tomorrow, accidentally step on her phone and offer to take it in to be fixed - or find a different way to obtain the phone. 

You should look through her phone records online if possible - do it tonight. Look for patterns of calls to numbers that keep appearing.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. Read and prepare to do the 180.
2. Seperate your finances immediately do not allow any of the money you earn be used to support her life style outside of the home.
3. See an attorney and get started on a D. May not happen but you need to get your options set.
4. Get tested for STD's
5. Move her out of your room to the guest room, most states will not allow you to keep her out of the house.
6. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!
7. Expose the affair to your family, her family, the OMW.
8. Go to a Doctor and get checked out if you need antidepresants you will need a Doctor to know what you are going through and for him to prescribe appropriately.
9. DO NOT DRINK!!!
10. Eat well and work out you need to take care of yourself for your daughter.
11. Your Daughter is old enough and is going to find out, find a counselor for her so that she can work it out because this will be difficult for her.
12. If you need to vent use this site, do not get physical with your wife even if she provokes you with her attitude or her comments. 
Some WS do this so they can say you are a Bad person.
13. Get a VAR and keep it with you at all times and turn it on when you are talking with her. Protects you from her lying about what you have said or did to her.
14. This is only a Start, others know more read and learn.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Put a var in her car when she comes back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedFor20Years (Sep 28, 2012)

I found the a diary by accident in a cabinet with some of our files. Does that matter?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> I found the a diary by accident in a cabinet with some of our files. Does that matter?


Matter for what? It's your house isn't it?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> I found the a diary by accident in a cabinet with some of our files. Does that matter?


Matter about what?


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## MarriedFor20Years (Sep 28, 2012)

Should I see a Divorce Layer before confronting her?

Should I make copies of the Diary?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> I found the a diary by accident in a cabinet with some of our files. Does that matter?


Don't get all PC about looking for evidence of her betrayal. She lied to you and kept you in the dark about your own marriage. Don't you think you have the right to know whats been hidden from you so you could make your own decisions about your marriage?

Go through the house, her closets, computer files, phone records, everything. Over turn her deception and take back the right of self determination for yourself.

Make copies of everything and secure them.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Keep the Diary it is in your house. Make a copy and keep it where she cannot get it. 

Myself, I would see a lawyer immediatly, if you cannot get to one before she comes home, I would confront her with the Diary the minute she walked in the door.

Prepare your questions so you know what you are going to ask, don't wing it. Have her write out a time line. Don't let her turn the conversation on how you violated her privacy by going through her things. 

Man up guy, you are in for the fight of your life, emotionally and physically this will take a toll


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> Should I see a Divorce Layer before confronting her?


I don't think it's necessary. If you think this is a deal breaker for you, 9 years later, then you will need a lawyer eventually. 



MarriedFor20Years said:


> Should I make copies of the Diary?


Absolutely yes! Both on paper and a digital copy. And keep at least one copy out of the house where she can't get her hands on it.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> Should I see a Divorce Layer before confronting her?
> 
> Should I make copies of the Diary?


Definitely make copies! Consult an Attorney asap but don't sign up with the first person you see just to lawyer up quickly. Do your research.

Im kind of a bitter person towards this kind if happenstance (see my user name lol) So I would change the locks and leave a fee copies of her diary pages taped to the door with a very angry letter stating something the lines of gtfo you cheating $lut. 

However the smart thing to do would be keep quiet while you find out your rights as far as divorce is concerned. Get your stuff in order and have a VAR when and if you confront her just yo cover your ass if she gets crazy. Hopefully her cheating=no alimony in your neck of the woods.

Good luck to you, stay strong.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> I found the a diary by accident in a cabinet with some of our files. Does that matter?


 No it does not matter. As a cheater she will try to attack you for invading her privacy and try to make you into the bad for this. Cheaters almost always do this. It is a standard part of the cheaters script. Part of it is they will pretend to get very angry in order to intimidate you into focusing on privacy as the issue instead of her cheating. Do not let her get away with this. Do not pay any attention to it when she says this. Look her in the eye and tell her that "You have got to be kidding me, I catch you cheating on me and you want to talk about your privacy, how about we talk about the real issue instead, the one that decides the future of our marriage." After this ignore her privacy comments and redirect it to the cheating. Use graphic terms like "how could you f*ck another man and think that this is OK?"

BTW, if she cheated back then, she is still cheating now which is why you get little to no sex from her.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Steel yourself. Do not appear emotional. Don't yell or scream. Be calm (but don't use alcohol to achieve that state).

Other posters are recommending immediate confrontation. Personally, I question that wisdom. What happened 20 years ago - is not an immediate issue. It needs to be dealt with forcefully and fully. 

But I would ensure that there is no ongoing affair. To answer that, she will either have to tell you - or you have to discover it. 

If you think she will be truthful then confront now and ask. I think you know she would not admit to one. So I would take a few days and keylog her computer, VAR her car. collect and secure the evidence you have. 

See a lawyer. 
Try to look at her phone without her knowing. Check for texts. 
Check phone records. 

Above all. Get hold of yourself. It is natural for you to be in a state of panic, fear, anger, and despair. If these emotions are overwhelming you see a doctor as soon as you can. 

Who is taking care of your daughter? 
Is she at home?
Has she noticed your frantic state?

Calm her and reassure her that she is loved but do not share any information with her. Do not belittle her mother to her. Do not confront your wife with your daughter in the house.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I hesitate to say this but, is this her only affair, or the only one you know about?

Get yourself tested for STDs and -sorry- get DNA tests on all your children.

But if it was one affair, you could save the marriage if you both want to. Counselling would be a must, however.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

I strongly recommend you have a VAR on you when you confront. She may try to make a false domestic violence accusation and get a restraining order on you. This is a common tactic women(and some men) use when confronted with the possibility of divorce to gain exclusive use of the marital home and sole child custody. Protect yourself so if the police are called then you can show them evidence that there was no violence.

See a lawyer ASAP if you are the breadwinner and the "moneyed" spouse. You will need to learn what to do to protect yourself from paying spousal support or lessen the amount and duration if you are forced to.

Time is on your side. You should take some time to process this situation and decide how you wish to respond. You are the one who has the moral high ground. You are in control. Try not to become angry or emotional when you confront and if possible have an adult friend around and your daughter somewhere else. She doesn't need to know what is going on at this point. 

Come here often to vent and read and practice the 180 for a little while. Best of luck.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> Should I see a Divorce Layer before confronting her?
> 
> Should I make copies of the Diary?


Yes and store them outside the house. I'd also record you making the copies to create a chain of custody.

I don't know that I'd confront immediately. See the attorney, get the addresses of the appropriate family members and ex frind's address.

For me, it would be a cold day in Hell before she ever travelled on my dime again. Isolate your finances.

Thirteen is a bad age to deal with this...but there are no GOOD ages. Consult a child psychologist or two.

Definitely do the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

BTW, What do you want from her? She has cheated. Will you divorce her? If so just protect yourself financially and divorce.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> BTW, What do you want from her? She has cheated. Will you divorce her? If so just protect yourself financially and divorce.


He's concerned with the daughter.

If you decide to divorce...or at least start the process, I would not confront at all and would just blindside her emotionally and financially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

JCD said:


> He's concerned with the daughter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Got it. 

Just read his other post. They have two teenagers. He's been in a sexless marriage for years. His wife doesn't like sex. 

MarriedFor20Years, Now you know why she doesn't like sex with you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'd keep reading more diaries, from 2005 to 2013.
Just saying.

Sorry man.
Lawyer up before any confrontation. 
And tape her.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Go see a lawyer, find out whether your state is no fault or not. 
I'd see a counselor too. 
I'm so sorry. Chances are good she wanted to get caught. Why would someone write all that and then keep it in the house? 
Is this guy still in contact with the two of you? 
chances are also good she is staying with you for money and for the kids. 
Sad thing is even if you divorce she will still have access to your money. But your kid's are older so it won't be for very long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Most likely not her only affair. You have been letting her (paying for) her to go away without you for years. You have been financing her affairs. You should be pissed off !! Follow the advice already posted. Get an attorney, file for Divorce, and separate your finances ASAP. Cut off ALL credit cards that you can, etc.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> We won't discuss the wisdom of letting her travel alone for 'fun'.
> But that is probably not why she decided to become involved in an affair.
> 
> If she has been distant and cold with you recently, then the odds of her being in an affair at the moment are very high.
> ...


Is their some reason people just don't take the phone?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Got it.
> 
> Just read his other post. They have two teenagers. He's been in a sexless marriage for years. His wife doesn't like sex.
> 
> MarriedFor20Years, Now you know why she doesn't like sex with you.


Unless she really doesn't like sex? Did she have an STD scare as a result of the affair? Felt guilty?:scratchhead:


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I'd keep reading more diaries, from 2005 to 2013.
> Just saying.
> 
> Sorry man.
> ...


I will never tire of saying or reiterating this.

MarriedFor20Years, before confrontation, get yourself a VAR and keep it on you at ALL TIMES from here on out. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a WW trump up false DV charges on her BH because she was cornered. Remember, waywards lie! Don't fool yourself into believing that your WW is different than any other one out there, because at this point, she is not. She's just one of many.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Is their some reason people just don't take the phone?


Yep....fear. I don't get it either. I would snatch that thing out of her hands, get in my car and go find what I need, copy it, then load my shotgun and blow that sucker to hell and back right before her eyes.

Okay, I've actually done this, so I didn't really pull it out of thin air. Quite cathartic I might add.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Check for more diaries. Maybe on the computer under fake file names. Check online phone records for texting and phone records. Wwatch for numbers under fake names.

Is your friend married?

Do you still see him?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

3putt said:


> Yep....fear. I don't get it either. I would snatch that thing out of her hands, get in my car and go find what I need, copy it, then load my shotgun and blow that sucker to hell and back right before her eyes.
> 
> Okay, I've actually done this, so I didn't really pull it out of thin air. Quite cathartic I might add.


Shotgun shells are cheaper than phones, we would have to see who ran out of money buying new ones first.:smthumbup:


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You need to make copies of that book before you confront your WW.

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair, by Dr Harley.

Then you need to get copies of phone bills for as far back as you can. Get the phone company to give you all past texts to and from WW cell phone.

Put a key logger on the PC. Hide a VAR in the house were you think WW will take most calls when you are not home and hide a VAR in WW car. Put a GPS in WW car as well.

Do not tell WW about your survalence plans.

With info gathering equipment in place then confront WW. Right after you confront your WW as soon as you are alone without telling the WW you must expose this affair.

You must expose OMW,OM parents, WW parents and siblings, and your kids.

Also go on OM and WW FB pages and copy and paste their contact list for exposure targets. Then expose their contact lists. Wait one full minute between each message sent on FB. Or FB will block you as sending spam.

Always best to check back before you make moves. Intel gatherin and exposure is to make sure all affairs are dead and can't be restarted. This will buy you the time to think about recovery or divorce.

78% marriages recover an affair.

Another must is to have DNA paternity tests done.
Wait a week to see if WW contacts her OM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did she 'accidentally' leave the diary for you to find?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Consult a lawyer, learn what your rights and expectations should be before confronting her.

I would even go far as removing her access to your bank accounts and credit cards on the day you'll be confronting her. Approach it as if its a war, so make sure you cover your ass from all angles to minimize the damage she might cause.

Are you willing to take the risk an give her another chance or do you want to divorce her?


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Do NOT Tip your hand at this time. Do not let her know that you know.

She's already PROVEN to you that she will lie to your face while looking you in the eye. You confronted her with your dreams and she lied. TO YOU.

Step #1 - Accept that your relationship is now in the endgame. Or Not. 

Whatever you do, YOU MUST have chosen an outcome.. divorce or not.. and stick to it. 

If you read here, you will see that time and time again where someone finds out they have betrayed and they set out to divorce, but then their wayward spouse says things and does things.. and now they are doubting themselves, or hoping for a reconciliation or something... but they abandoned their course of action.

In 98% of those cases, things don't really work out, and the Divorce eventually takes places ... later.. after the wayward spouse has had time to do damage control, extract more money, more custody, whatever it takes to maximize their position at the expense of the betrayed spouse.

You MUST treat this like a game of chess. You're going to have to be thinking many moves ahead and visualize the endgame well before it happens.

Failure to stick to your endgame decision will only hurt you in the end... and she WILL try to prevent you from seeing it through on your terms.

Step #2 - Find out if Infidelity can make a difference in the divorce in your state. Don't believe the first attorney you ask also - most attorneys just want to make easy money with a no-fault divorce... but it many states infidelity can make a big difference in the awarding of Alimony or Spousal Support. But you're going to need proof.. like her diary. In fact I would consider taking it and keeping it from her (just before you drop the bomb on her).

In the mean time, you want to find out if there has been more.

Seriously.. do you want to be paying her thousands of dollars per month when you are supposed to be retired.

Oh crap.. just saw that you are in Colorado.... a state known to be brutal on dads and alimony. I'd seriously consider moving to a Texas before dropping the bomb on her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> Should I see a Divorce Layer before confronting her?
> 
> Should I make copies of the Diary?


Yes make copies of the diary.

Yes, see an attorney before confronting her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with others that you should not confront her yet. Get more info to see if she is cheating on you now.

Once you confront her, anything she is doing now will go way underground.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

If you found the diary amongst common files then that's just stupid of her. Almost makes me wonder if she wanted you to find them.

At any rate, be prepared for her to claim the diaries are just her fantasies put down on paper. But it sounds like you have had feelings for years and the diary just confirms what you already knew but didn't want to admit to yourself. I know the feeling - it sucks.

As for keeping quiet and gathering evidence, that will be really, really tough after the blow to the gut you just got. 

If the past nine years have been terrible, then I think you already have all the reasons you need to move on. I would make copies of the diary, put the copies in a safe place and confront her tomorrow.

Sorry you are in this place but good luck.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Just want to add - that the reason I say to confront is I do not know how it would be possible to act cool and normal after what you've just read. If your wife knows you, her radar will go up immediately. 

That's the only reason I say confront asap (although seeing a lawyer first would probably be a good idea). Do you really need more evidence?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i say confront.

i agree with Cedar in that WHY was this diary just sitting there..... like nothin'. i also say you shoud confront this "friend,'' as well. maybe you should even confront him first and hear his version, then compare thier stories. the truth lies somewhere in the middle.


you may have to do a bit of exposing to this OM's wife.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If he's going to divorce her, confronting will do no good. He needs to get all his ducks in row, cover his ass then confront her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Married for 20

You have 2 choices.
Wait and get the goods on her while she is in the act. How do you really know who she has been doing on all these trips.

Or

Copy the diary entries. Email your famiy and cheating friend. Include his wife if he has one. And announce your divorce.

Because if a woman ever tortured me like your wife has I would go thermonuclear on her butt.

She deserves no less.

And yes you need to get tested. Send her the bill.

With a woman like this you will never get all the truth. 

You called her narcissistic in another thread. You pegged her right. Only a narcissist like this would keep a diary of her antics.

I bet she wanted you to find the diary..

Good Luck. Do not lose your cool.

Who is picking her up at the airport?

HM64


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> If he's going to divorce her, confronting will do no good. He needs to get all his ducks in row, cover his ass then confront her.


if he's gonna divorce her, what difference does it make _when_ he confronts her. more than likely, the OP lives in a no-fault state so it doesn't matter what he can prove as far as infidelity goes.

the only good that comes with waiting is finding more dirt. that's on him. evidence of this one "incident" is plenty, in my book. 


all i'm saying is you have the Rosetta Stone(her diary) deciphering her infidelity in your hands..... what more do you need?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If I could hold it in, she would not know ishe was being divorced till she was served. She isn't' having a birthday soon is she?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> if he's gonna divorce her, what difference does it make _when_ he confronts her. more than likely, the OP lives in a no-fault state so it doesn't matter what he can prove as far as infidelity goes.
> 
> the only good that comes with waiting is finding more dirt. that's on him. evidence of this one "incident" is plenty, in my book.
> 
> ...


If he's just going to divorce her, he needs to see an attorney and set up a stratagy before confronting her.

For example if they have joint accounts he should probably move half of all $$ out of any joint account into accounts in his name only before confronting her.

He needs to protect himself.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

^i agree that he needs to protect himself, but what does that have to do with confronting her?


the litigation is beside the point. the finances doen't really matter now, as that would be settled during the divorce. and even then, it's "if" he wants a divorce. he hasn't stated that yet.


what i'm talking about is "what more do you really need." it's ALL there..... in the diary. the only reason i see to waiting, is to find out if she's _still_ cheating. i seriously doubt he can bite his tongue, knowing what he already knows.


_whatever._


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make a copy of the diary.

Put a voice activated recorder in her car.

Cut her off financially. You now know that she's been using your money and her freedom to cheat. You know ho she cheated with for several years in the past. But your marriage has ben bad even after that affair ended. So who's the new guy or guys?

I'm betting that she is with her current lover for NYE. Think back where was she last valentines day? Where was she on your anniversary? Or her birthday.

She has been cheating for years while using you to babysit your child and pay your wife's bills. You've likely paid for hotels and trips for her lovers too.

I'd go straight to divorce and exposure, then when she sees you men business you can see if there is any remorse in her. Fom the history, I'm expecting there isn't.

You'll likely find out that several of her friends know of her affairs and provide cover for her. Do not trust any of them to tell you the truth.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Mf20Yrs,

I commend you on your decisiveness in concluding that divorce is the route you wish to take. You'll save yourself much misery in the reconciliation process. I went back and read your other posts and notice your wife fits the usual adulteress profile in that she is willing to do things with her OMs that she is unwilling to do with her husband. Very typical. I'm sure you understand that she's been getting laid like pipe whenever she's out of town. Otherwise, she would have eventually gotten horny after ending her affair with the "friend." 

If for some reason your wife begs, prostrates, and scrapes to not divorce, (I doubt she will, but just in case) do the polygraph so you can know just how many men and how many times you're forgiving her for.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> We have been a couple for 23 years and married for 20. We now have 2 beautiful and healthy Teenagers. Pretty normal sex life to start, you know making babies. Very normal loving family home life. Wife had no interest in any Oral Sex till I asked 10 years ago while on vacation on an incredibly romantic island. Her response was "I'd do it if you really want me to". Bad Sign. Very little interest still. Over the years I have tried to interest her in toys, games, oils and lubes all again to little or no interest. Porn would be a horror for her. In the last few years, very few orgasms on her part, always in the missionary position, maybe her on top a couple of times per year. After sex, she is completely exhausted, even without having an orgasm. She does not even fake it. More and more its just a HJ as she has no energy or passion. Sometimes Oral on her, but rare. The other night, a complete disaster when I tried to play out a fantasy with her during a HJ (intercourse was out of the question) and she angrily got up and said "this does not turn me on at all" and she got up and got dressed and went to sleep, leaving me stunned. *She has plainly told me that she has no interest in sex at this time in her life*, and that even if I want her to enjoy it, she says can't. What is strange is that she knows how much love and passion I have her, yet there is nothing reciprocating. I should have picked up the signs over the years that sex is not something she enjoys, and not bought and then thrown out all the romantic toys. Sex is now once a week or less. Last month, trying to be open, I asked her if she masturbated if I am away for a night or two, and she said sometimes, but I know she is lying, as we are together almost constantly, and she has no toys or lubes what so ever. The Hitachi Magic Wand if got her for XMASS, thrown out years ago. I should have asked that question at the start, as it turns out she is not a sensual being at all, very beautiful, but now cold. Maybe she has fallen out of love with me, and can't tell me. The thing is I am in terrific shape and a great lover. I feel great love and compassion for all, and I want to share that with her. Nothing back at all. I think our marriage is close to dead as there is no spiritual or emotional connection at all. I think I have been a terrific husband and don't deserve to now be locked in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. She could care less about my needs, and its not just about sex. She has no interest in me at all. Maybe the kids burned her out. Maybe depression. Maybe 23 years is to long. Surely Menopause is involved as she is close to 50. She could have a great lover for the rest of her life but is to narcissistic to see that. I have never been more depressed about having so much love to give and its just going to an empty soul. At this point, I really don't want to be intimate at all with her. It will never be the same. Maybe thats what she wants. I think I will stick it out for the next 5 years till the kids are in college and then either she cares for me with some passion or I am gone. How sad. Thanks for listening.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> ^i agree that he needs to protect himself, but what does that have to do with confronting her?
> 
> 
> the litigation is beside the point. the finances doen't really matter now, as that would be settled during the divorce. and even then, it's "if" he wants a divorce. he hasn't stated that yet.
> ...


As much truth as he can get.

WW can be in another affair now. Confronting WW before the VAR and key logger and all the other stuff is in place will warn the WW and access to everything will be blocked.

Things such as FB to get contact lists for exposure will disappear. Catching WW trying to contact past AP's to warn them the that BH suspects and to get their stories straight will be done without able to find out what was being said.

Getting in a WW's face and confronting will feel good for a second, maybe. But that short term gain will never compare to the intel gathering potential of doing things the right way.


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## MarriedFor20Years (Sep 28, 2012)

I found hundreds of text messages between them, most in rapid fire. Is there away to get the contents of those messages?

Also, how can you get records online going back to 2003 when the affair started (assuming major Wireless Carriers)?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Does this "friend" have a gf or wife? Show her a copy of the diary and the amount of text messages.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> I found hundreds of text messages between them, most in rapid fire. Is there away to get the contents of those messages?


Probably not. If you get the phone, you could check the history. Although she probably deletes the incriminating text messages. You could also install spyware on her phone so that all texts are secretly forwarded to you.



MarriedFor20Years said:


> Also, how can you get records online going back to 2003 when the affair started (assuming major Wireless Carriers)?


You might be able to pay a fee to the carrier for copies of the old billing records.

Check out Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com for some good information on divorcing. Even if you hope to reconcile for your kids' sake, I recommend you go ahead and retain a lawyer and file. Your wife will never respect you unless she believes you are willing to divorce her for her adultery.

Also, NEVER reveal your sources of information. First, it is possible that tapping her phone and hacking her email is illegal. Her lawyer may try to use that against you in the divorce. Also, it doesn't matter where you got your information. You have it. Telling her your source just tells her how to better protect her secrets in the future.

As for confrontation, I think the best way is to schedule a day with the kids out of the house and walk in and hand her divorce papers. Then go play golf with the fellas. Although golf in January in Colorado probably isn't an option. You could ski, I guess.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What more do you need? You have all the proof you need.

A wife and mother going on vacation alone speaks volumes about the state of a marriage and a family.

You have to ask yourself what you want... If it's a divorce what you should do is stealthily plan it out without confronting her about anything. Take 6 months a year getting your ducks in a row, and execute everything to your full advantage.

If you want to have a marriage, you should start the process of divorce with her awareness to shock her. When she comes home tell her you are tired of this non marriage and will be filing for divorce and ask her to move out.

I think confronting over an old affair is not your first course of action? Why? it will turn into a big blame game on what kind of crappy husband you are.

I think taking away her stability in life with no explanation except that you are tired of living this non marriage is a way better start... You want to be on offence and her on defence...There is a time and place for everything.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

While she is on the plane why don't you call the friend and tell him your wife told you the truth.

Ask him questions about the affair. Tell him you want to verify what she told you.

Allude that she said they are still active.

Lie!

BS's have bluffed before and gotten alot of answers to their questions.

Or wait till she is home. Take her phone out of the house. Then call your friend and grill him.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> My wife travels a lot alone. I let her travel freely to see music, visit friends, get some rest, etc. She is away right now, and has been away since December 29th, and we were not together for New Years Eve (I trust her). Setting her free to grow and learn has always been my style, but it now looks like she did the nasty for a few years while traveling, and what's worse, with a friend of ours.


I am astonished once again, 
Is it something in the water? 
Do they program people via the television, 
Shoud everybody wear aluminium hats??

:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


I can really only image the most soft, weak, jellyfish structured person, to not see that this cannot be, could not be, should not be.

Most posts are about the well known mechanics of dealing the affair, but I think this above part of your post is the real issue.

You really created your own reality by your way of thinking. So what is the problem? Not what she did, but that you were unaware of what you were creating.

Change your thinking and your reality will change...


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

You get no sex from her,while she goes on a lot of trips and has sex with(BJ and other non missionary stuff that you can't even mention to her) and it has been lasting for 9 years already?This probably isn't only affair she had its the only one you know,I would say she is probably giving BJ to some other guy right now while on trip.

I say just go to divorce lawyer,don't even confront her with anything just go and arrange to divorce as soon as possible,when she gets back the first thing she should hear from you is that you are divorcing and its done deal,no explanations nothing only thing you tell her is because she has been cheating on you constantly during those trips.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Could you get a hold on those newer journals?

Even you can't find anything "new" in them it doesn'¡t mean she didn't: shecould wirte about the "first" time (becasue it was of importance) and then "normalize" the cheating behavior (No need to write about it).


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> I found hundreds of text messages between them, most in rapid fire. Is there away to get the contents of those messages?
> 
> Also, how can you get records online going back to 2003 when the affair started (assuming major Wireless Carriers)?


She has no doubt had several phones. I have no idaea how many old phones are stashed around here. If there are old phones you can find, charge them up and see what you can find. Just a shot.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> I found hundreds of text messages between them, most in rapid fire. Is there away to get the contents of those messages?
> 
> Also, how can you get records online going back to 2003 when the affair started (assuming major Wireless Carriers)?


Post 9/11 all wireless carriers are required to maintain those records. You may need (will more than likely) a subpoena, but I'm guessing you're going to a lawyer anyways, so shouldn't be a problem.

Further, I'd go as far as installing HelloSpy on her cellphone. It will log photos, txts, gps locations, and more if you need more info. like present day. This is assuming that the phone is in your name...check with your lawyer.

I'd also immediately change any and all insurance policies to name your daughter the primary beneficiary should you perish sooner than later. Also, amend/change your will and trust to designate the money go into a trust fund for your minor daughter that someone you trust can administer and NOT her mother. I'd cash all investments...stocks, bonds, mutual funds, real estate, etc...before a divorce and make the tax liability both of yours (depends on filing status and holder of securities). I dunno your financial situation, but that will most definently need to be in order quickly as you can bet any opposing counsel will go after those items.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

OK, OP, first things , first. If you haven't already, don't tell her anything at all. Treat her like normal and do your homework when she isn't around. Make copies of everything you can, open a new bank account and begin "ratholing" extra money , where she can't find it. Start to seperate your stuff from hers, (property, finances, family mementos, antiques, etc) but do it slyly so she won't notice. If you need to, install a keylogger and get a VAR. Get all of the info you can, then get a cutthroat divorce lawyer to handle things for you. She has deceived you for so long, it's time you returned the favor. TAKE CARE OF YOUR KID AND YOURSELF FIRST. Remember, she isn't the woman you loved, now she is the enemy.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

MarriedFor20Years said:


> I found hundreds of text messages between them, most in rapid fire. Is there away to get the contents of those messages?
> 
> Also, how can you get records online going back to 2003 when the affair started (assuming major Wireless Carriers)?


Why go through all that trouble, you already have plenty of proof. I dont know, in my mind if I saw them I wouldnt need to prove to someone else that I saw them. In my opinion, the diary along with the fact that there have been hundreds of texts between them regardless of the contents would be plenty enough to satisfy my mind, I wouldnt feel like I had tp prove anything beyond that point. Shift the burden of proof on her if there is any attempt of her denying the affair. gl2u


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Married for 20 how are you making out?


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