# Need Advice: My husband might be cheating



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

My husband and i have two small children together. I have posted before regarding the other issues we have. The major issue we have is financial. My husband makes a decent wage and manages to spend every single penny. Everyone told me let it be and let him burn himself out. I did. Now we are 5-6 thousand in credit card debt again and im sure he owes his job money too for cash advances he does on his payroll checks. 

In june I caught my husband texting and old f*** buddy. He had her number saved under a fake client name and when i confronted him got defensive and told me she was a client until I told him i knew exactly who she was. After pressing for a few hours he stormed off and confessed that it was the one back and forth text and it was a "catch up". I believed him and we moved on. Then I found our phone bill and found her number listed under Texts eseveral times over several days. I confronted him again. He again denied it. I got so emotional i got violent and slapped him and broke of 42 in flat screen. During the confrontation he took me off the phone bill and then finally confessed after two days of fighting that he saw this girl in Sept of 2010 (while i was pregnant with our second child) about 100 miles away from our home. He rented a hotel and a car that weekedn and said he sought her because he had no one else to talk to. 

I again believed that nothing happened and that he would put me back on the bill and be transparent. 

Its been almost 4 months now and still no phone bill authority anf he lies to me abaout everything. I started to connect the dots and finally gave him one last chance to fess up. He swears up and down that he didnt do anything wrong and that im a crazy b****. I kicked him out 5 days ago. He came back home after telling me we were over because he didnt like the accusations and told me he wasnt doing anything. 

He was expecting me to let him stay in our home. I told him to leave and he did. HE has all the signs of cheating or of another huge secret he is hiding. 

We always had our problems but transperency wasnt one of them. He has a bunch of new emails, he wont put me back on the cell phone bill. He has security features on his phone (that when i hacked, he was still deleting the damn texts and call logs). he roams all over the city and lies about where he is. I found through the tolls we pay for electronically that there is a pattern in his driving habits and for two consecutive weeks he told me he was one place when he was really driving through these tolls. 

Im sorry for the long story, but am i going crazy? I feel so much more at ease because we aren't arguing about money, and i feel good that i made my stance that i will not tolerate the lies whether he is cheating or not. I feel awful because although i feel i did the right thing i want concrete proof of my suspicion. But simply put the signs are there. And i refuse to believe otherwise. I believe that if he has nothing to hide why wont he prove me wrong? Can you all please give me some advice.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

He rented a hotel 100 miles away...and you believe nothing happened??
You really need to give this guy the boot permanently...he is bad news and is obviously making your life miserable and that's no way for you and your children to live...
Apparently he is not mature enough to be a responsible, married man..looks like you already have proof of his cheating and lying.
I am so sorry you have had to put up with his crap..kick him to the curb asap.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I would say you should get a PI but if you know his patterns and where he is going to be, you could probibly have a friend follow. At this point it would just be for you to be 100% because he is obviously hiding something.
Good for you that you have made a stand and threw him out. Most people won't do that without a smoking gun. If he is not willing to give total transparency then you have every right to throw him out and not think twice about it. 
You are not going crazy and are ahaid of many who come in these forums. Stay strong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Of course he had sex with "the woman he sought" 100 miles away.

Please get tested for STDs. He's already showed you over and over he can't be trusted and lies about where he is. 

Ball is in your court.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As a cheater, here's what might have stopped me before I was caught. Get some Divorce papers and lay them out on the table in front of him and tell him that he can either disclose all information and possibly reconcile, or help complete the divorce papers. 

If you want to keep him, he has to earn that right in every way mentioned on this board. Don't make it easy on him. Otherwise, just file and dump him. We cheaters are not in charge of things when we are caught, unless we are heartless.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

i need to add in that during the stay at the hotel in Sept 2010 he says she was pregnant and very far into her pregnancy and she was out there with her husband. I dont know how true it is but the text i found was a picture of a baby she was introducing him too and one he sent back to her of our daughter. Thats the only reason i didnt kick him out the first time. I wanted to belive him. He comes over to see the kids and i want to kick his behind. HE keeps telling me that he didnt do anything but he wont be clear and transperent with me. Im so torn. His sister sent me a text to check on me and then told me she didnt think he had anyone else but i dont know if she is just covering for him while trying to understand me or what? I hate this. Im questioning myself and the choice i made, but i know it was the right one. He needs to see im serious on this right? The lies need to stop. If he has nothing to hide then why all the secrets?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

one red flag was that your husband put her name under a different name and then lied about it when you confronted him. Another one is not letting you have access to his phone bill. Why would he change it all of a sudden, if he has nothing to hide?? He traveled a 100 miles and got a hotel room.. I'm sorry, Someone does not travel that far to have nothing happen. Had he always had security on his phone?

If he won't give you the things you need like email accts, cell phone records then i would file for divorce. 

I agree with uphillbattle. You can have a friend follow him with a camera or video camera. One that he doesn't really know and one you can trust.. if i lived in your area i would do it for you.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

yea you have no idea. I want to follow him around but i have a 7 month old and four year old i have to pick up from school at around the same time he starts leaving work to BS in the street. URRRGH im so angry. Im so hurt. Im so frustrated. This man has given me grief the entire time we've been together and the funny thing is that he keeps bringing up old things ( that werent even bad) to try to take the attention away from him. Hes a mental manipulator. As far as why i dont want to divorce him, as stupid as this may be i want him to wriggle like a worm and think that im ready to mover forward without actually doing it. I want to give him a chance to fess up. He probably never will because he is playing mental ninja games with me, but i still hold out hope on saving my family. I am afraid of being a single mom of two very small children. I know i wil survive this but it hurts like hell. I dont see what the big woop is if he is not doing anything wrong. I dont get it why not show me and proive me wrong. Why not put me back on the phone bill. Why not put me back on the emails. whatever. Im so F***ing mad. OMG i hate him.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Im suffering so much. How long will this last? I hate him more than ever right now. I keep wondering what he is doing, where is he, is he with anyone? Last night i texted him and asked for the womans full name that he met up in that hotel and he says he doesnt remeber. (yet his excuse for seeking her was because hes known her for 15 years). I called him five times and he wouldnt answer. then when he finally did he blew up and told me i was harassing him. He says he was at his sisters house. So now ofcourse hes making himself look like a victim and me look like the evil villian. Is this normal? 

My heart feels nothing but pain. I dont love him. Im so angry i could divorce him today. But at the same time i do love him. I want to work it out for the sake of my family. My children. My poor children. 

Why do cheaters do this. Why do they deny and deny and deny and act like they are angels. I want to follow him but i cant. Im so upset that no matter what i do i cant stop thinking about why. I pry and ask the lord to please let the truth come out now and put me at ease. 

Please, why do i feel so crappy? Why am i questioning myself?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You can't want to stay with him and have this hanging over your head for the rest of your life? How are you ever going to trust him? 

If he were interested in making things work with you, he wouldn't be ignoring texts and phone calls, he'd be busting his sorry a$$ to beg your forgiveness. He would be doing whatever it takes, not off living the life of bloody Riley!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

No, your not going crazy. Your being driven crazy. That is a result of psychological abuse. It's called "gas lighting", look it up. It's usually not intended to be as malicious as it turns out to be for the victim, but it is cruel and can do serious psychological damage. Gas lighting attacks and erodes your sense of reality, leaving you to question yourself what is real and what you imagine.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi. Sorry your here.

Start by believing almost nothing that comes out of his mouth. The man you married is lying to your face. It is horrible.

Decide on your boundaries. Take time with this. Mine were pretty like this:
1. The affair must end
2. You must be remorseful for it
3. You must be transparent.

It did not happen. She tried to gaslight me even after I had kicked her out and is still trying to cake eat. It is amazing how far the delusion can go.

You are absolutely not going crazy. He is trying to make you think you are controlling and paranoid so that he can continue the affair with the OW or hide the fact that he has had an affair.

He MUST give you total transparency. Explain why you need the access. If he has nothing to hide? 
If he still refuses then I am afraid you have no choice but to accept that he is having an affair.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

ing said:


> Hi. Sorry your here.
> 
> Start by believing almost nothing that comes out of his mouth. The man you married is lying to your face. It is horrible.
> 
> ...


i Completely agree with you and that is why he is out. I have asked for transperency for four moths and i deserve to nitpck at any detail i feel like but he doesnt give in. HE says he has never done anything and im crazy. Whatever at this point i havent talked to him since last night and refuse to even acknowledge hes on this planet. Im so hurt and i really appreciate all your replies. I would love if they kept coming because im having a difficult time getting through this all. 

How long ago was her affair?


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

ing said:


> Hi. Sorry your here.
> 
> Start by believing almost nothing that comes out of his mouth. The man you married is lying to your face. It is horrible.
> 
> ...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

mishu143 said:


> i Completely agree with you and that is why he is out. I have asked for transperency for four moths and i deserve to nitpck at any detail i feel like but he doesnt give in. HE says he has never done anything and im crazy. Whatever at this point i havent talked to him since last night and refuse to even acknowledge hes on this planet. Im so hurt and i really appreciate all your replies. I would love if they kept coming because im having a difficult time getting through this all.
> 
> How long ago was her affair?


I first arrived here in March this year and she decided to have the affair in front of me. I threw her out and I assume she is still in the affair with a married man.

She is STILL trying to draw me into her mess making half arsed 
"affair apologies" 


She refused transparency at any point accusing me of "invading her private life"

She falsely tried to reconcile at the same time as carrying on the affair. Four times.. Got me on the first two. Second two I exposed her deceit. 

I am divorcing her. I find it hard to believe that she is the same person I lived with for 25 years..

I would strongly suggest that you start the 180 now. It is not a tool to get back your husband but to allow you to heal faster.

Also have a look at the "Letting Go" thread. The first two pages print them out and stick on the fridge.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

wow im am so sorry. Its hard to believe that after so much time togeteher someone is willing to throw it all away. 
but you hit the nail on the head with his behaviors. I havent caught him red handed but my suspicions are very clear. I have an honest right and i know that, but im just so hurt. I mean if he really loved me and really wanted to prove to me that nothing were going on he would just show me and tell me anything i want. 

Right?

I mean seriously, why wont he if he werent cheating or doing something wrong. Urrrgh this is so irritating. I feel sick to my stomach and i cant stand it.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

ing said:


> I would strongly suggest that you start the 180 now. It is not a tool to get back your husband but to allow you to heal faster.
> 
> Also have a look at the "Letting Go" thread. The first two pages print them out and stick on the fridge.


oh and what did you mean by start the 180? like pick up and do my life without him. At this point i still need him to financially support me because he ruined my credit and im going through bankruptcy. Im a stay at home mom now. I spoke to my bankruptcy attorney and he told me it would be best if i stayed without a job until my bankruptcy went thru. 

This is so difficult. I know i will find a job when i start looking but another two months before the bankruptcy is finally over!!! It feels like forever. I guess i can kind of take it like pay back on him because he got to keep his secret under wraps, but in the end he has no home, no family, and still has to pay my bills until i get on my feet. Lets see if his hussy will blow him then. :lol:


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It is truly horrible what people become. Worse still is that you may realize they were like this all the time.

There is a chance he is not cheating and is just annoyed at you.

If he is willing see if you can get him into a session of Marriage counseling. [MC] and ask these questions.
Why won't you give me access to your emails?
Why is your phone account a secret?

If he won't give you access and your gut is telling you he is having an affair. He is. 

Do not buy the "But why won't you trust me" pout..
He will try anything to continue to sit on the fence. 
You for all his real needs.
Her for hot sex and moaning about you..

Read these

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/30411-what-boundaries.html#post405121

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

This is horrible. today is a bad day. I did well and had not called him at all since tuesday. He called me today to ask about our daughter (she went to the doctor and i guess his aunt told him). we spoke briefly to the point and hung up. then i texted him about taking my tools with him because i needed them and the ball started rolling from there. we got into the issue and why he was doing this to me. He keeps lying to me and giving sorry excuses. He sounds like an idiot. Read this one

Me: Whats her full name. c** what?
Him: I dont know
Me: what do you mean you dont know? You tell me shes your friend for 15 years and you dont know. that doesnt make sense. 
Him: you know how many girls i slept with and i didnt know their full names?
Me: this is different. she wasnt a club night date. She was your FRIEND for fifteen years who you looked for and found. what is her full name?
Him: I dont know. When you see the show cops. theres always people who come out saying I dunno his name i call him xyz for the last three years...

WTF!!!! does he not know how f***ing stupid he sounds. OMG i swear i hate him. My god why does this hurt so much. i cant stop crying. My curiosity is killing me. I hate him. 

I bout a sim card reader and d/l a program called data recovery but neither of them work. theres a smart card device issue and i cant figure it out. 

IM so hurt. why??? please why wont it go away?


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

So my husbands uncle, who i have considered my father, called me tonite about my marital problem. 

Let me simplify this 1 hour conversation as best as i can...
He wants me to give him an answer. either i forgive him and take him back, or i let him go. I told him there is no simple solution to this problem. 

My husband needs to simmer and see what it is like to be alone and decide for himself whether he will be transparent or not. I cannot make that choice for him. 

Why is that so difficult to understand. He is calling my husband and telling him that it is over and to leave me alone because i want the truth and he wont give it to me. I am not saying that. I want to work my marriage out but obviously my husband is again making himself the victim. 

I think he is trying to find a way out without being the one that broke us up. LOL omg. Im laughing crying ans wanting to kill someone all in one feeling. This is horrible. 

How can a PI possibly think it is so simple. My husband is a flat out liar and wont fess up, yet he wants me to forgive him knowing he is a liar and just sweep it under the rug? What the hell?


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

So i found out who the other woman is. Its a woman at work. I found some texts on his phone and they were pretty innocent. But he was worried about her... 

When i comfronted him he said that i wouldnt belive him and why he sent her those msgs but that he thought she was getting fired and was worried for her. 

I told him that there isnt any need for him to be worried about another persons job. 

We fought. Big time. 

I went to our priest and spoke to him about whats been going on. He agreeded with me. In a marriage there should be NO secrets. and if this was an innocent thing there is no reason to cover it up. 

my husband was furious and started to tell me all these things about how horrible i am and how i was caught doing things. ( i was never caught contacting other men or ever caught doing anything wrong against him or our marriage or anyone) These are his perceptions because he has a huge jealousy problem. 

Ive dealth with it for 6 years and here he is making friends with a grl at work. 
I dont know what to do. He keeps on treating me like garbage and i back at him. He wont put me back on the phone bill and now my phone is broken so i have no phone and no way of fixing it because he wont put me back on the phone bill. 

Imagine two small children at hime and he doesnt have the decency to let me get my phone repaired. HE offered to take it today to get repaired but i refused. Im starting to love the no phoine lifestyle. 3 days down and no stress from him. 

I hate him with all my heart but i love him with all my heart, Im too angry to be nice to him, and i refuse to be a doormat. 

i dont know how else to stop this. Im scared to cause a scene at his job. hes been there for 6 years and he is the sole breadwinner. but i want to see who this woman is and i want to confront them. 

what do i do?


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