# Need to know more about VAR's



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Hi, I am here because I am trying to nail my spouse with strike three. I am to the point now that I ffigure she has a burner phone. If I was to tell you my story it would pretty much be like the very active thread by hangingon about his wife and. Co-worker. Except her co-worker is not around her everyday so phone/text is really active with them. This time here she is smarter, more actual phone cnversations then texting. I guess she figures if she forgets to delete the phone logs at least I cant read them. I sat her down the other night and told her that I went through the bill online and seen where she has been calling him a lot and easing everything. When she gets off work she actualy sits in her car and talks to him before coming home to her family. We have one child together. The cheating thing started 6 months after the baby was born. She is now 4 1/2 years old, so far I have stopped the last two before it from a EA to PA. This one here I dont think its PA as of yet, I never found written text to prove anything. She knows that or thinks that I am in the dark but she is in for a rude awakening.
I want a VAR, what I would like to know is if anyone here knows by experience of where is a good place stash one in a car that you dont just hear a distorted voice? Also she has an iphone 4 that she is soon done with, in the next week or so. Once her old iphone is deactivated. Can I still hook that up to a pc to recoverdeleted text?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Read weightlifter's "Standard Evidence Post" thread for more info on VARs.

As for the phone, why wait until she's done w/ it to attempt data recovery? After all, once she's upgraded, she may decide to factory reset it, which will erase everything.

How much of the following information do you currently have?

* Passcode for the iPhone 4 (used to unlock the screen)

* E-mail address and password associated w/ her Apple iTunes/iCloud account

* Password for the e-mail account associated w/ her Apple iTunes/iCloud account

Additionally, what kind of phone do you use? If it's an iPhone, do you use the same Apple iTunes/iCloud account on both devices?

What version of iOS is running on her phone?

Do you know whether or not she's backing up the phone via iCloud?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This is Dude #3?

My 2 cents- if you know she is cheating for years - EA PA or otherwise - save yourself a lot of grief, headache, and hassle and skip the VARs and everything else and file for divorce. 

I get wanting to know the truth, but if you already know she is cheating, more truth may not be worth the trouble.

I'm not a fan of the "strike 3" baseball analogy when it comes to infidelity. For me, two strikes and your out. For others, it's one strike. I can get behind a second chance, but not a third.

Good luck my friend. Sorry for the situation she has put you in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I do know her password to icloud and her hotmail. She doesnt have anything backed up on icloud/itunes so I would need her phone to do this. She does not have the latest IOS version, I think she is one or two updates behind. She says them updates screw up her phone so she dont download them. I am a android man. Dont know much about apple but from the directions I read it doesnt seem to complicated to retrieve deleted text. 
She has no idea that you can retrieve deleted text. Last night she said if only I would of kept them text on the phone I could prove it was nothing. So tonight when she gets home I am going to tell her that we can retrieve them text if she wants to prove she is not guilty. What she says after that will prove it.
As for a divorce just knowing wht I know now, i have a little girl that I do not want to part from. If I can prove this was a EA or PA then yes it will be the end. From what I know so far I will rug sweep until I can nail her with solide evidence. I am not throwing all out the window until I can 100% prove it. Its not hurting me having her in the house. I can deal with it for now.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If you've decided to use VARs, I have three words for you.

HIDE THEM WELL. The last thing you need to deal with is your WS jacking on her cars brakes to avoid hitting a J-walker and having a VAR hit her in the back of her foot.

If you hear a mans voice when you listen to it, STOP listening. Have a close friend, or family member listen to it. With out you being in ear shot of the speaker. If you end up recording a sexual act, the sounds that you hear will haunt you for years.

If you end up catching her in the act of having sex. The person that you had listen to it can tell you the basics of what happened. They kissed, they had oral, they had sex, etc..

Take it from a guy that actually walked in on his then wife in the act. We were separated because she "needed space". Well I saw first hand what(who) she was filling that space with and it took years before I was able to put it behind me.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Id rather retrieve the deleted texts on my own, than with her hovering. In case it doesn't work. Sometimes doesn't catch everything. Find out on your own, rather than give her free plausible deniability.

If you find something, then by all means tell her you found a way to retrieve deleted texts, let's try it! And see how she reacts.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Id rather retrieve the deleted texts on my own, than with her hovering. In case it doesn't work. Sometimes doesn't catch everything. Find out on your own, rather than give her free plausible deniability.
> 
> If you find something, then by all means tell her you found a way to retrieve deleted texts, let's try it! And see how she reacts.


Yep.

And don't say or do anything to tip your hand or to clue her into the fact that you're suspicious of her, at least not until you have your evidence in hand AND BACKED UP.

Failure to do this will only result in her taking everything underground, thereby making it all the more difficult for you to uncover any inappropriate behavior.

And now, a reading from the Book of Weightlifter...



weightlifter said:


> Rule 1 for this.
> SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
> Rule 2 for this.
> SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
> ...


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Hi groundpounder!! Thanks for telling me about the VAR coming out from under the seat because she is hard on the brakes. I was thinking the only good spot for one would be under the seat. I would have to gear it up so it cant slide out. I don't think I would ever have to worry about catching a sexual act on the VAR, she does a lot of the phone calls while she is in the car. There wont be anymore calls coming from her phone cause she knows now that I was checking phone logs. The phone is under my name so I can get on the internet and see the numbers she is calling. But she is soon ready for a new phone that I figure will be happening very soon. She is already saying how she is switching to a different phone company that is cheaper, that is just to get away from me having access to the online phone history. But little does she know that I will be ready for when that happens. 
I was never worried about the first two phone/facebook flings that she had before because they were with men that lived 2 hours away. Pretty much just talking smut if they were ever to have sex. This time with number 3 man, he is a co-worker. It would still be a little tuff for them to sneak away for sex at her place of work but he only lives 35 minutes away in a town where we go to grocery shop. She does that often by herself. I think this guy was/is still in the process of switching the "friendship" to an affair. He is one of them guys that plays the role as "just one of the girls" to get her trust, once he gets that then the whole topic of conversation is going to change. Where she just started deleting text I think the topic of conversation has already changed but she had a minor day surgery down below and we haven't been able to have sex for the last 3 weeks. The friendship started shortly after the surgery, so I am 99% sure nothing physical happen yet.
I was on a web site that had spy voice and video recorders that are pens but are voice activated recorders. They are expensive but I think they would be a great tool. Does anyone know much about them??


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I know I did screw up by taking this to light before I had solid proof. I was just trying to delay the PA till I can nail her good. Now I may never find the truth but she is really stupid when it comes to covering her tracks, if this is still ongoing I will find out. I figure he will tell her how to be more cautious. I am pretty sure her next move will be calling him from a phone at work. She does custodial work in a building evenings. Since we only live a 2 minute walk away from the building I sometimes come up for visits. I plan on coming close enough to the possible phones she could use at work (2 phones) and hit the redial button and see what number shows up. She may get a burner phone but I don't think she will get that risky. Trying to hide a phone can be tricky. I hope she does because I know I wont be long finding it.


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I am divorced with a young daughter as well, so I get the desire to make it work even at very high costs to your dignity and sanity. I tried many times and would've done almost anything to work it out with my slvt ex wife, but in the end I failed because she had just checked out of the marriage. 

What do you honestly see as the end game here? You're in a zombie marriage. She is not going to quit and return to the marriage. You've already caught her multiple times, but she keeps doing shady sh!t. Total disrespect and disregard for your feelings. IMO divorce is in your future regardless of whether or not you find solid proof. (and I get that desire as well) 

The only shot you have with this IMO is filing for divorce. Finding proof is really only valuable if you live in a State where infidelity matters, you collect the evidence in in a way that will stand up in court, and don't nullify all your work by having sex with her after finding the proof. And even then, it will be painful and expensive process, but probably worth it if high alimony is at stake.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Hi ontherocks, thanks for your reply.I can just imagine the pain you had in your heart to seperate from your daughter. That's where I lose my b**ls, I just can not even think of not having my little girl living with me. It's something I know at some point I will have to deal with. So far she has not had sex withanother man. I am willing to live with the cheat just so I can be with my daughter. This would not be good for the little one, she is a big time daddies sook. 
I am going against everything I ever said about dealing with a cheater. I always said once a cheater always a cheater, one strike you're out. That was before I became a dad, I have a whole new role of responsibilities and I dont want some other man playing that role. But I applaud you for having the nuts to do it, and I am sure your daughter has adjusted to the change. I keep telling myself I can handle it but then she jumps on my lap and says love you daddy and I melt. I am thinking undeniable proof of a PA would give me the nerves to make the move. For now all I have is phone logs.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The short version of the var course is to get the sony model that costs around sixty dollars. You can get them at Walmart, bestbuy, and Costco.. Office supply stores also carry them. To put them under the front seat, get heavy duty Velcro that has sticky tape on it and find a place under the seat that it will stick too. Others have wired them up under the dash. Get the lithium batteries as they last a lot longer. Test them out in your own ride to make sure they are working properly and you have the settings and volumes set right.


Good luck


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Alister said:


> Hi ontherocks, thanks for your reply.I can just imagine the pain you had in your heart to seperate from your daughter. That's where I lose my b**ls, I just can not even think of not having my little girl living with me. It's something I know at some point I will have to deal with. So far she has not had sex withanother man. I am willing to live with the cheat just so I can be with my daughter. This would not be good for the little one, she is a big time daddies sook.
> I am going against everything I ever said about dealing with a cheater. I always said once a cheater always a cheater, one strike you're out. That was before I became a dad, I have a whole new role of responsibilities and I dont want some other man playing that role. But I applaud you for having the nuts to do it, and I am sure your daughter has adjusted to the change. I keep telling myself I can handle it but then she jumps on my lap and says love you daddy and I melt. I am thinking undeniable proof of a PA would give me the nerves to make the move. For now all I have is phone logs.


I'm right there with you, man. There was just nothing I could do to save my marriage. I now believe that when a woman loses romantic interest in her husband, there is no going back. Not trying to be sexist, but I do think women tend to place more importance on "feeling the butterflies". 

I also think that I might have had a better chance of saving my marriage if I went with the nuclear option (serving her with D papers) much earlier in my journey. I definitely would've avoided the wasted years trying everything else I could think of first. 

I'm 3.5 yrs into coparenting in separate households, and it still hurts that I don't see her every day. I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Weightlifter's instructions.

If you divorce, can't you have 50/50 custody?


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

50/50 custody still sucks, and is far from guaranteed.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Thanks chap! I will have to check out walmart. We drive the same car, I will set it up and try it out myself before I plant it for her. 
Where on this site do I find the thread on VAR'S. 

I wish you all the best ontherocks! It sucks, if it wasnt for my daughter this relationship would of been over long ago...hard proof or not.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Thanks chap! I will have to check out walmart. We drive the same car, I will set it up and try it out myself before I plant it for her.
> *Where on this site do I find the thread on VAR'S. *
> 
> I wish you all the best ontherocks! It sucks, if it wasnt for my daughter this relationship would of been over long ago...hard proof or not.


I've linked it a couple of times already, but here it is again...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Alister sorry you are here. I would buy two VAR's. Definately strap the VAR underneath her car seat, and hide the other one in the house in a room you most likely think she would talk from if on the phone.

At the end of the day you have rugswept and tolerated her infedelity with no consequences of whatsoever previously.

I hope this time it will be different or she will continue to keep violating your boundaries.

As for your remark that you dont want to throw things out the window, its not you doing the throwing its your wife thats doing a pretty good job of stuffing up the family.

Once again sorry you are here but keep quiet, discreetly monitor and have a plan for when you catch her.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Thanks guspolinski! Sorry I missed that the first time you posted the link. 
Good advice sportsfan, I may just buy two. Are var's completly silent when turn on and off? I dont need no beeps for her to hear?


----------



## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

Careful what you wish for when it comes to VARs. You need to be sure you are prepared for what you might hear, and be sure you really want to know those intimate details which will stay in your brain forever. Make sure you know what you will do if you find out you were right about the affair, and be prepared to follow your plan. 

Also, can you live with yourself afterwards, having invaded someone's privacy like that? Makes you almost as bad in some ways as the person you're trying to catch. 

Speaking from terrible VAR consequence experience here. No judgement, just... Be careful what you wish for.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Yes I already know that feeling of reading words from my wife to another. But it wasnt about what they have done already, just what they would do if they ever had opportunity of being alone. They lived miles apart and they knew it more then likely would never happen. As far as snooping low enough to use a var, she drove to this. I never questioned my trust for her. Never once looked through her phone.I found the first time by accident, we were camping and her phone was in the lawn chair I was sitting in. A text came through and where her mother had the little girl for the day (it was a kid free weekend). I 4hought maybe it was her texting about the little one and checked the phone. Only to find it was a dirty text from a "friend" of ours who is also married. Mu wife was drinking and wasnt thinking about the conversation she was having before she walked away from her phone. Since that day my radar has been on.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Thanks guspolinski! Sorry I missed that the first time you posted the link.
> Good advice sportsfan, I may just buy two. Are var's completly silent when turn on and off? I dont need no beeps for her to hear?


Sony VARs can be configured for silent operation, yes. Stack the deck and buy some cheapy earbuds from your local dollar store, plug them into the headphone jack (NOT the mic jack!), and then cut them off at the stub.

All of this, along w/ tips on where to place the VARs and how to secure them are in the aforementioned thread.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

About securing a VAR under a car seat.

It will be easier to place a, or remove a VAR from under a cars seat if you make a harness for the VAR first. You can use velcro, zip-ties, or I've thought that a older styled, belt held flip style cell phone holder could work well.

What ever yo make, or buy to hold the VAR, make sure that it doesn't cover the microphone, or rub on the buttons.

If you make a carrier that you can slide the VAR in and out of, then you only need to fasten the carrier to the seat frame. Make it so you can slid the VAR in/out, with out removing the carrier.

Then, if you have a back up VAR, you can remove the "recorded" VAR and replace it with the empty, charged VAR. Having two also gives you the option of placing one somewhere in the house from time to time.

If you are ever going to call your wife out about the(any) OM, make sure you have the VAR(s) in place before you go anywhere.

My advice on a confrontation is have the VARs in place. The last thing you say to her before you leave is something like "Well, seeing you're not going to tell me the truth, I guess I'll take a ride to Mr. Wonderful's house and see if he'll tell me the truth!".

Then you get in your car and start driving like you're going to his house. You stop at the first active parking lot on the way. Back in so you can watch the road(I know you only have one car, but if she had a car, you'd want to see if she came after you).

If there's anything going on, you can bet you grannies apples that she'll be on the phone with the OM, or friends, to start doing damage control. If this is the case, you'd hear things like "Don't tell him this", or "Say that we did that", or "Say that we were at work that day".

Sneaky, yes, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire to keep from getting burned.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Thanks guspolinski! Sorry I missed that the first time you posted the link.
> Good advice sportsfan, I may just buy two. Are var's completly silent when turn on and off? I dont need no beeps for her to hear?


Yes completely silent. Fork out the money and buy the better ones. Better quality, microphones are more powerful and contain voice activated mode.

Sony or Olympus are pretty good VARS


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Sony VARs can be configured for silent operation, yes. Stack the deck and buy some cheapy earbuds from your local dollar store, *plug them into the headphone jack (NOT the mic jack!), and then cut them off at the stub.*
> 
> All of this, along w/ tips on where to place the VARs and how to secure them are in the aforementioned thread.


Reverse the bold part. Cut off then plug in.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

The only sony var I see on walmart canada is model# ICDBX140 FOR 58$. 4GB of memory. Dont think its voice activated.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

The description says that model is voice activated. Is Walmart your only source? Office supply stores carry them too.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I will have to check if if our local walmart actualy has one, we dont have a full monty walmart. If not we have a staples and buro office supply store. I will find something local. I hate to order one online because with my luck she would be the one to go to the mail the day it arrived
I put the fear in her last night, I told her she had till the end of the weekend if there was anything she wanted to tell me about this co worker and her. I told her that if I find out anything that this was more then a chit chat friendship I would be leaving her. Then I told her "I swear on my brother's grave that if I ever catch you doi g anything like this again...this relationship is over". She knows I am serious because I have never said "swear on my brother's grave"to her before and she knows how tight nit i am talking about him. She hardly slept all night!!


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Alister said:


> I will have to check if if our local walmart actualy has one, we dont have a full monty walmart. If not we have a staples and buro office supply store. I will find something local. I hate to order one online because with my luck she would be the one to go to the mail the day it arrived
> I put the fear in her last night, I told her she had till the end of the weekend if there was anything she wanted to tell me about this co worker and her. I told her that if I find out anything that this was more then a chit chat friendship I would be leaving her. Then I told her "I swear on my brother's grave that if I ever catch you doi g anything like this again...this relationship is over". She knows I am serious because I have never said "swear on my brother's grave"to her before and she knows how tight nit i am talking about him. She hardly slept all night!!


Please, listen to Weightlifter re read his advice. STOP TALKING about this with your wife!


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> Please, listen to Weightlifter re read his advice. STOP TALKING about this with your wife!


I agree. Eyes open, mouth shut.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I am done talking, that was her "be ready" warning. The next time I open my mouth about it I will have what I need to say "it's over" knowingiam not splitting up my family over just a friendship. I have to say he doesnt fit the bill of someone she would do this with but it doesnt look good.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Alister said:


> I am done talking, that was her "be ready" warning. The next time I open my mouth about it I will have what I need to say "it's over" knowingiam not splitting up my family over just a friendship. I have to say he doesnt fit the bill of someone she would do this with but it doesnt look good.


Oy Vey! No "be ready" warnings! Just stop! We have been here before. 

Your chances of finding out the truth are dwindling every time you open your mouth. Please trust me on this.

My cheating POS STBX was the least likely "doesn't fit the bill" guy to fool around with his "doesn't fit the bill" young Protege but it happened. And I made the same mistake you did and it cost me 6 months of crazy making pain! It is only by the advice of Weightlifter and Gus Polinski that I did get the truth and a really excellent divorce settlement to boot. 

SO LISTEN!!!!


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Ok...I promise I am done talking now!! Kristen, how did you catch him? With a var?


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Alister said:


> Ok...I promise I am done talking now!! Kristen, how did you catch him? With a var?


I found this site a little late in the game. My gut was telling me something was up, I foolishly thought I was being paranoid. He's just was not that guy. But little things were just off. I found this site and Weightlifter's thread and got to it. So I planted the VAR...BUT I had already started asking questions. The conversations I heard were so mild that I believed the lie that is was "just" an EA.

My gut was still telling me I didn't have the truth. I kept up the VAR. I also looked at Gus's tips on getting deleted Texts off iPhones. 

Also went into the trunk of his car early on a Sat. morning. I got his Day-timer I knew he wouldn't need it that day as he was going "golfing" I was able to dig through it and copy it to compare against texts he sent me and notes he left in the morning telling me where he was going to be that day. He is a VP for a large company and is rarely in the same place day to day. I found lots of erased appts. with afternoons blank that didn't add up. Then in the back folder was a receipt for a night a month or so before I began to suspect. He was supposed to have a dinner appointment 2 hours away with a breakfast appt. the next morning. At the time I didn't think anything of it and he stayed in a hotel. I found the receipt folded up in the side pocket of the day-timer and copied it.

The VAR recordings started up again, the calendar gaps, the recovered texts. They all pointed to a very deep EA at the very least with "I love you" being said. That was a new piece of data. THEN the hotel receipt for the "dinner meeting" paid in CASH!

I confronted all at once and the [email protected]@rd still tried like crazy to lie. This is a "man" who did NOT lie! 

Then he begged for reconciliation. The ONLY honorable thing he did was give me a hugely favorable divorce settlement. I got much more than I was legally entitled to which was a lot. BECAUSE I had enough proof to sink him career wise. If I turned him and his POSOW in to his company he would have been done. Instead I get all of the perks and am rid of that jerk.


***The above is a cliff notes version (believe it or not) of a long drawn out crazy making situation. I could have been cut short by months if I had found the thread before I voiced my suspicions. His mistress had done this before and was coaching him pretty well.

VAR recordings + recovered deleted texts +e-mail leading to a new e-mail account, find my iPhone and his calendar + receipt nailed his @ss but good.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Interesting story but my problem is getting my hands on her phone to dig. She is not backed up on icloud/itunes so I need her phone. I do know her icloud password. Another way they could be chtting now is with imessage, they both have iphones. My daughter has a ipad. Can I hack her imessage with the ipad?


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I found his password list in his day-timer too so that was easy. But I was able to use multiple tips here on getting his phone while he was asleep and changing settings so I was able to view everything and yes I was synched up with my iPad.

But there were a few threads here about recovering deleted messages (Gus is a genius here). I found his old iPhone in the home office and got that info and the new stuff was easy after a few minutes with his new phone while he was sleeping.

Hopefully the guys will pop in with tech tips for your situation.

In the meantime, start acting like everything is just fine. Zip it!


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

The zipper is tight!! I did find out that staples has the sony var that weightlifter is talking about for $80. If that var answers my questions its well worth it. I can also use that for a work related issue I have going on. I just cant ever say that I used it, but it would answer my question.
What sucks is that I could use that var for sunday when she will be in the car alone. I wont get a chance to get one till next week.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Alister said:


> Interesting story but my problem is getting my hands on her phone to dig. She is not backed up on icloud/itunes so I need her phone. I do know her icloud password. Another way they could be chtting now is with imessage, they both have iphones. My daughter has a ipad. Can I hack her imessage with the ipad?


Apple has enhanced security over the last year or so. If you try to add a device onto an iCloud account, the user is notified by email that a device has been added. Also a pop up comes up on other devices.

So you would need to be in possession of her phone (and other devices) and her email account (linked to her phone, usually) to intercept all the notifications.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

VARS are for peace of mind. Nothing else. Often the peace of mind is worth it over everything else anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Infamous weightlifter here. My var post is pretty explicit. Just execute it.

Don't be like the op in another current thread going off like a loose cannon. It's a textbook on what NOT to do.

Btw Kristin. You still owe us your full tale. Tapping my foot for like a year now.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Infamous weightlifter here. My var post is pretty explicit. Just execute it.
> 
> Don't be like the op in another current thread going off like a loose cannon. It's a textbook on what NOT to do.
> 
> Btw Kristin. You still owe us your full tale. Tapping my foot for like a year now.


Do you want the version where I went full on angry Greek girl? Still not sure if it was my finest or my most shameful moment but some drywall had to be patched and I missed his fat head


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Apple has enhanced security over the last year or so. If you try to add a device onto an iCloud account, the user is notified by email that a device has been added. Also a pop up comes up on other devices.
> 
> So you would need to be in possession of her phone (and other devices) and her email account (linked to her phone, usually) to intercept all the notifications.


Yep, and this is *EXACTLY* why I make a point to ask (a) what kind of phone the BS/potential BS uses, (b) whether or not he/she has the e-mail address and password associated w/ his/her spouse's iTunes/iCloud account, and (c) whether or not he/she has the password for the e-mail account associated w/ the iTunes/iCloud account.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Interesting story but my problem is getting my hands on her phone to dig. She is not backed up on icloud/itunes so I need her phone. *I do know her icloud password.* Another way they could be chtting now is with imessage, they both have iphones. My daughter has a ipad. Can I hack her imessage with the ipad?


To be clear, you DO or DO NOT have her iCloud password?

Also, texts sent via iMessage won't show up on a phone bill, but they can be retrieved (even once deleted) using tools like Wondershare Dr. Fone and iPhone Backup Explorer.

If you have the passcode for the device, go into the iCloud config and enable backups. Then make sure that it's connected to wifi, plug it into a charger, and manually initiate a backup. You'll then be able to retrieve the backups from iCloud (again, use WDF or iPBE for this), thereby eliminating the need to get physical access to the phone going forward.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> I will have to check if if our local walmart actualy has one, we dont have a full monty walmart. If not we have a staples and buro office supply store. I will find something local. *I hate to order one online because with my luck she would be the one to go to the mail the day it arrived*
> I put the fear in her last night, I told her she had till the end of the weekend if there was anything she wanted to tell me about this co worker and her. I told her that if I find out anything that this was more then a chit chat friendship I would be leaving her. Then I told her "I swear on my brother's grave that if I ever catch you doi g anything like this again...this relationship is over". She knows I am serious because I have never said "swear on my brother's grave"to her before and she knows how tight nit i am talking about him. She hardly slept all night!!


Why not have it delivered to your place of work?


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Yes gus I DO have her Icloud password. She never uses her icloud email nor checks it. She just ignores the icloud notifications. Once it sends the notification I could just go on and delete it. My problem is to get her phone, she keeps it right beside her even when she sleeps. She sleeps next to the wall and she charges it at night rigt beside her, I would have to climb over her and reach down between the bed and the wall. My only hope is that when she gets her new phone (maybe on sunday) I hope she doesnt reset the old one. I figure as long as the salesman at the phone store doesnt do it or tell her to do it then she wont think of doing it. She is not very bright when it comes to covering tracks nor does she understand that even thought the phone is deactivated you can still retreive information. The only thing she is good at is sticking to saying "we are just friends". I sure hope I can nail her/him. It will be bitter/sweet, I told her before not to play me as a fool.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Alister said:


> Yes gus I DO have her Icloud password. She never uses her icloud email nor checks it. She just ignores the icloud notifications. Once it sends the notification I could just go on and delete it. My problem is to get her phone, she keeps it right beside her even when she sleeps. She sleeps next to the wall and she charges it at night rigt beside her, I would have to climb over her and reach down between the bed and the wall. My only hope is that when she gets her new phone (maybe on sunday) I hope she doesnt reset the old one. I figure as long as the salesman at the phone store doesnt do it or tell her to do it then she wont think of doing it. She is not very bright when it comes to covering tracks nor does she understand that even thought the phone is deactivated you can still retreive information. The only thing she is good at is sticking to saying "we are just friends". I sure hope I can nail her/him. It will be bitter/sweet, I told her before not to play me as a fool.


If all else fails, one husband simply grabbed the phone and ran out of the house and took off in the car.

Really, why would anyone be married to a spouse that hifdes their phowe, emails, texts etc. Married couples are one. Secrecy has no place in a marriage. Privacy is only for the bathroom. If your spouse doesn't trust you and hides anything form you, you aren't her spouse.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> I found this site a little late in the game. My gut was telling me something was up, I foolishly thought I was being paranoid. He's just was not that guy. But little things were just off. I found this site and Weightlifter's thread and got to it. So I planted the VAR...BUT I had already started asking questions. The conversations I heard were so mild that I believed the lie that is was "just" an EA.
> 
> My gut was still telling me I didn't have the truth. I kept up the VAR. I also looked at Gus's tips on getting deleted Texts off iPhones.
> 
> ...


Wow. That's awesome. Very happy to have been of help... even if I didn't know it!

:smthumbup:


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Wow. That's awesome. Very happy to have been of help... even if I didn't know it!
> 
> :smthumbup:


You post plenty of great info Gus, I thought I told both you and Weightlifter that you were a huge help. Just reading the Standard Evidence Post and your recommendations for recovery software for iPhone and I went to work. 

It sucks to have to do any of this. When it is happening you want it not to be true (I was married for over 20 years) so you give them the chance to "come clean" Ugh, HUGE mistake.

As Weightlifter pointed out I didn't post my own thread detailing my story because it is sadly common. I just got lucky that I did get the message to shut my mouth and investigate.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

When she gets the new phone won't they back it up to the cloud so they can transfer all the contacts to the new phone?

If you go to the store you might casually mention "backup and transfer her contacts"


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

She is talking about getting away from the iphone and goin with samsung or LG. If she does I figure they may tell her to back up her phone on I cloud so she will have access to the info on the phone. She has hundreds of pictures and **** that she will want off that phone. This might be why she is taking so long to get a new phone because she would have to getme to do it. She would never think about having to do that but her new friend might be coaching her along so I dont nail him to the wall as well. I bet he is worried, when I was talking to him I told him he picked the wrong girl to do this with, I told him she couldn't cheat on a blind/deaf man. He is married to a woman who makes more money then him.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Do I need her phone to sync it to my daughters Ipad? Will she just get an email notification in her icloud or does bigger things happen? She never checks her icloud from what I seen. I wont see past history but will I see current activity.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Do I need her phone to sync it to my daughters iPad?


No.



Alister said:


> Will she just get an email notification in her icloud or does bigger things happen?


She will get both an e-mail notification PLUS a pop-up notification on her phone (she'll have to acknowledge by tapping "OK") once you've configured the iPad to use her iCloud account. IOW, she will immediately know that you've configured the iPad to use her iCloud account, which may prompt her to (a) change the password for her iCloud account and (b) take whatever she's doing further underground, making it more difficult for you to get any evidence.

How old is your daughter? I can't imagine that, if your wife is indeed cheating (and using iMessage, FaceTime, or any of the other apps directly associated w/ her iCloud account to do it), you'd want your child to bear witness to it.



Alister said:


> She never checks her icloud from what I seen. I wont see past history but will I see current activity.


It depends on which apps she's using to communicate w/ OM. If she's using iMessage or FaceTime then yes, you'll see some activity. If she's using third-party apps, you'd first have to download the apps and then configure them to use the same credentials that she's using w/ those apps on her phone.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

My daughter is only 4, she would not be able to read anything. But I guess that is not going to work. You would be proud of me GUS, I am the happiest husband right now. Joking around with her, holding her hand, telling her all the things she wants to hear so shethinks she has the green light to continue. I wont be able to get my hands on a var till maybe thursday. Iam not to wooried about it because until she gets her new phone and more then likely a new service provider so icant track the phone calls, I wont need one. She is going to town today, she bowls with a bunch a woman on sundays evenings. I hope she tells me she is going early to go get her new phone. She thinks this is her way of being able to still talk to him butwha she doesnt know is this is giving me the green light to nail them. I wont screw this up this time. I will have a var before friday!! Wish I lived closer to town to get one faster. Maybe today will be a good day to get some oil for the car andchange it before she has to leave...hehehe


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Alister:

Don't be so nice that you throw her off. Acting too nice or too distant is going to raise her awareness of her own behavior. Just continue on like nothing has happened at all. She needs to feel like you are oblivious to her actions. So let her get comfortable, she'll be much less careful that way. 

Do not confront her or mention it again until you have something real, hard evidence.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Apple has enhanced security over the last year or so. If you try to add a device onto an iCloud account, the user is notified by email that a device has been added. Also a pop up comes up on other devices.
> 
> So you would need to be in possession of her phone (and other devices) and her email account (linked to her phone, usually) to intercept all the notifications.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From Friday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

How for does this OM live from the bowling ally she goes to EVERY Sunday night? It makes me wonder if the OM "bowls" also...

Do you know for a fact that she's actually going into the the bowling ally every Sunday night? Do you actually every talk to anyone that bowls with her, or sees her there?

The first thing I thought of when I heard about this was that she could tell the bowling league that she couldn't bowl on a certain night - Either park her car in the lot(so it'd be seen there) and leave in someone else's car. Or, just drive directly to where she's meeting him and never stop at the bowling at all that night.

I mean, she has a history of EA's(at least). Talking secretly many times eventually leads to meeting secretly. It's the next step.

If she's been going out every Sunday night for 10-20 weeks out of the year, and she tends to have EA's...


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

kristin2349 said:


> You post plenty of great info Gus, I thought I told both you and Weightlifter that you were a huge help. Just reading the Standard Evidence Post and your recommendations for recovery software for iPhone and I went to work.
> 
> It sucks to have to do any of this. When it is happening you want it not to be true (I was married for over 20 years) so you give them the chance to "come clean" Ugh, HUGE mistake.
> 
> As Weightlifter pointed out I didn't post my own thread detailing my story because it is sadly common. I just got lucky that I did get the message to shut my mouth and investigate.


You need to post your experience in the evidence gathering thread as a warning to fellow posters in what works and what is wrong with not being discreet while investigating. Thanks


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Alister.

1. Thank you for actually listening to us. Loose cannon types drive me buggy. My standard post is the wisdom of dozens of betrayed who came here before you.
2. Do the var. it is you most likely path of least resistance.
3. Dude. Sorry. You know your odds are grim at best? Right?
4. Kudos to gus the phone master.
5. Read the thread by poster bff. It will show you there is long term hope. Crash and burn start. Truly EPIC ending.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Still tapping foot.
How did i get so good at this stuff?
People like kristin post her story (hint)
Yes it just becomes a data point.
The punching the wall part is so you may entertain me.
Btw. Go get laid kristin. (Yanking a few chains Inside joke about how i say that a lot)
Data points help me see patterns.
So post your thread young lady! #waggles finger


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

He doesnt bowl, I been there with her a few times. I actualy did scan the place to see if there would be anyone that she would latch on to, did not see anyone. Men who may have been a prospect was with their wives. I know who she bowls with and she does go. Its something she really enjoys. Tonight she left with just enough time to get at the alley to bowl. She is playing the game I think. Its great that they are taking a break because I am not geared up yet for round 2! Next sunday is the last night of the season for the league so I really want a var in place by then. She hasnt said boo about the new phone, I really think he told her to holdoff and keep using the old one for overwriting the text history. He is sleazy, but I never once said he was stupid. I know damn well she would of left early today to go at the phone store. She was pumped for a new phone then it all dropped. How many woman do you know of that wojld hold off on getting a new phone when they have the green light to get one. Or she is waiting for this to blow over so when she goes with a new service provider I wont clue in to why. My radar is on from now till I nail the tramp. She just wont have a clue, im just acting like my normal self...


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Well its been 5days since I been trying to act as if all is ok. Yesterday was a bad day. Once I checked her phone records yesterday I seen that five minutes after she left the house for bowling she used her data for 16 seconds, that would be long enough to write a imessage to him. Im sure a pre plan was in place and all she had to do is let him know she was on the road. The only time I can see her data usages is when she is not somewhere that has wifi. She is on wifi at home and work which is where she is most of the time. I dont know for sure that 16 seconds of usage was her sending a sms to him but I figure it was. That got me a little angry and made for a bad day yesterday. She knew something was bothering me, I told her I had a bad day at work. I do have a job with a lot of responsibilities. I don't think she bought it, she seemed really nervous last night. I know when she is doing a lot of thinking and right now she is.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't let your imagination get the best of you. Yes, it could have been a message, or 1000 legitimate things. Hang in there my friend!

Have you gotten the VAR In place yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

How sure are you she actually went bowling mast night and she had female companions with her ?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Well its been 5days since I been trying to act as if all is ok. Yesterday was a bad day. Once I checked her phone records yesterday I seen that five minutes after she left the house for bowling she used her data for 16 seconds, that would be long enough to write a imessage to him. Im sure a pre plan was in place and all she had to do is let him know she was on the road. The only time I can see her data usages is when she is not somewhere that has wifi. She is on wifi at home and work which is where she is most of the time. I dont know for sure that 16 seconds of usage was her sending a sms to him but I figure it was. That got me a little angry and made for a bad day yesterday. She knew something was bothering me, I told her I had a bad day at work. I do have a job with a lot of responsibilities. I don't think she bought it, she seemed really nervous last night. I know when she is doing a lot of thinking and right now she is.


Dude... you're freaking out over 16 seconds of data usage? Sorry, but that's crazy. That could've been anything from an e-mail to checking Facebook to just an app refreshing itself in the background, especially on an older phone connecting via 3G.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Your right it could of been anything, I just know when she is still hiding something and she is. The only reson why I think that usage was her messaging is because it was five minutes after she left the house and she would of been driving. Yes I do know it could of been all kinds of things, just the timming had me thinking. 
I already answered the question about knowing if she does actually go bowling, yes I do know she goes.
No I dont have a var in place yet, I wont get a chance till thursday. I intend on having one for her last bowling night of the season.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Read the evidence post again and cover all the bases.

It may seem overboard (its not) but why take chances with one of the most important relationships you have in life.

Information is key.

Good luck.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Alister said:


> I already answered the question about knowing if she does actually go bowling, yes I do know she goes.
> No I dont have a var in place yet, I wont get a chance till thursday. I intend on having one for her last bowling night of the season.


Yes you did, I read it........BUT last night i'm asking about

Quick phone call/txt "im on my way" etc


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I dont know for sure she went last night but she knows I could find that out very easily if had to. She would not take that risk. The only time she would of had last night before bowling would of been no more then 15 minutes to see him. After bowling her nephew met her at the alley so she could take him home, that happen unexpected to her, he called her while she was bowling. That might of ****ed up there plans.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Women do take risks the same as men...i would check if you can....she was very nervous today you said
she could have got there near the end so nephew could pick her up after spending time with POS


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I have in my hands a Sony ICD-PX333. Now just to figure this var out. Cost me $92 with tax. Will be well worth the money if I can nail the tramp once and for all!!!


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Make sure you read all the instructions (re read Weightlifters thread carefully) Make sure it is secured, batteries charged, settings are correct...


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I have the mic sensitivity sent to high, bit rate is for best quality possible (192 kbps), VOR is on, LCF (low cut) is on.
On the side of the recorder there is a noise cut switch, should that be on or off? Concerned more for in car when a lot of different noises will be around like wind noise from window down, radio, engine noise etc...


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> I have the mic sensitivity sent to high, bit rate is for best quality possible (192 kbps), VOR is on, LCF (low cut) is on.
> On the side of the recorder there is a noise cut switch, should that be on or off? Concerned more for in car when a lot of different noises will be around like wind noise from window down, radio, engine noise etc...


Again, read and follow the instructions in weightlifter's thread.

Also, 192 Kbps is a bit high, and will likely result in some pretty large files. You might wind up running out of space on the VAR unless you supplement the built-in storage w/ a Micro SD card.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Alister said:


> I have the mic sensitivity sent to high, bit rate is for best quality possible (192 kbps), VOR is on, LCF (low cut) is on.
> On the side of the recorder there is a noise cut switch, should that be on or off? Concerned more for in car when a lot of different noises will be around like wind noise from window down, radio, engine noise etc...


From weightlifter's Standard Evidence Post:

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I turned it down to 48, its doest have 44. It offers 128 kbps, would that give me 6 hours of recording? Im thinking as long as I can get 6 to 8 hours of recording time thats all I need. If there is nothing on the first recording I will erase it. If there is something then I wont need it a second time.
I forgot to mention that I did turn off the beep feature. I think I have it ready for testing. Room is tight under the seat but I got it so she will never see it. I have a small little strap with hooks on both ends (something you would use for key chains) if it lets go from the velcro it cant come out from under the seat.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I seem to remember recording times being listed in the manual.

Keep in mind it will only come on when there is noise in the car. So unless she is driving for hours at a time the battery is good for a day easy.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Im going to try it tonight. I have to go pick her up at 6:30, I will plant it and check it later.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Good remember you need to act normal


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Just to lighten the mood in the car play the 'mission impossible' music when you pick her up


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Got my first test run! Not bad, a lot of noises while driving, you can still hear some. But when the car is stopped, just idle it sounds fantastic. Me and her been getting along great, she is talking about sex tonight. I figure after that she will think my guard is down. I hope I am wrong and find out its nothing but my gut still has that knot in it.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I caution against having unprotected sex with someone you suspect is cheating on you.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I set up the var today, she had to go for a dentist appoitment. I am half way in listening to it, hard to hear her talk while she is driving. I knew it was her brother she was talking to but just because she come to a stop sign. The roads were really wet today causing a lot of tire/water spraying noise. Besides that its perfect.


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

The best place for better recording is near the drivers head. Is there a space between the headrest and seat?

Some vars have a slide lock that will disable all buttons when recording. This works great when you put the var in tight places. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Headrests move. Id advise against it.


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Headrests move. Id advise against it.


Some are adjustable.....they don't move on there own. Some have covers that have Velcro fasterners(can place inside the foam). The passengers headrest is also a great place to place it. As long as everything remains "unmoved"......your golden!!!!


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Recordings can Be cleaned up.

Some are impossible tho.

Knobby tires, bridge grating, rap. Forgetaboutit.

OP. 44 k bit rate. Do not use 8k!!!


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I am also going to fade the front speakers of the car radio. The var under the seat makes it very close to the speaker built in the door. I still have winter tires on that make moretire noise. They are coming off tomorrow, my new summer tires have arrived. That will cut back on some noise. 
One thing I did discover today is she might have a burner phone, as she was walking to the car she was ending a phone conversation, all I heard as she was opening the car door was "ok bye". That call does not show up on the phone log of her iphone. If its not a burner phone then she has another way of voice communication with him without an actual phone call. It could be facetime or skype etc... If it is a burner phone I have no idea where she could be hiding it. 
Im thinking this var is going to answer my questions it just might take a bit of time. Just a matter of having it set up at the right time. My next opportunity will be sunday.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Check her purse for burner... Spare purses, all coat pockets, boots. Shoeboxes. Bureau drawers. Tampon box. Places a guy would have no interest looking in.

Does she use Skype or FaceTime on her phone?


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Did she go straight home after her appointment? If she's got a burner, it's somewhere in the car or in her purse. She also could have taken it out of her purse and hid it somewhere in the house or garage. The var should have picked up what she did as soon as she got in the car. 

More likely she's using an app to communicate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> I am also going to fade the front speakers of the car radio. The var under the seat makes it very close to the speaker built in the door. I still have winter tires on that make moretire noise. They are coming off tomorrow, my new summer tires have arrived. That will cut back on some noise.
> One thing I did discover today is she might have a burner phone, as she was walking to the car she was ending a phone conversation, all I heard as she was opening the car door was "ok bye". That call does not show up on the phone log of her iphone. If its not a burner phone then she has another way of voice communication with him without an actual phone call. It could be facetime or skype etc... If it is a burner phone I have no idea where she could be hiding it.
> Im thinking this var is going to answer my questions it just might take a bit of time. Just a matter of having it set up at the right time. My next opportunity will be sunday.


Hmm... how often are you pulling the VAR out of the car? You don't want to make too many trips out to the garage or driveway; that will get suspicious before too long.

Also, where are you located? No specifics necessary... you could just say NE US, southern US, UK, South Africa, or whatever.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

he said snow tires.

Miami Florida, obviously.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Alister 

If she has an iPhone and is speaking to someone who also has one their calls will not show up on the bill. They don't with mine, they go through iMessage.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Alister
> 
> If she has an iPhone and is speaking to someone who also has one their calls will not show up on the bill. They don't with mine, they go through iMessage.


Eh... phone calls can be made via FaceTime, but -- unless the 3G is just crazy good in their area -- she's probably not doing that via an iPhone 4.

That's not to say that she couldn't be using another VoIP app, though.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Forgot she had the 4 good catch Gus!


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Mods
Please change Gus from member to Dr. Fone.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Just chiming in here regarding searching for the phone. I've hidden stuff I don't want found by my STBX in my dirty laundry basket, inside a backpack that's inside a rubbermaid bin in the storage area, underneath a piece of furniture that goes almost all the way to the floor but not quite (i.e. end table with drawers)......

The problem with trying to find it is that you most likely could only be looking for it while she's in the house since she'd have it on her person when she's out of the house.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Thanks for all these tips, I have checked all the hot spots I can think of for a phone. I was thinking she might have found a good cubby hole at work. She would know every cubby hole in the building. But in order for her to use it outside of work she would have to have it with her on weekends. I will have to take notice if she makes a quick trip to the school to "check on something" before she heads to town this afternoon. 
Ithink gus asked me where I live, I live in eastern canada "maritimes". At least today she wont be able to communicate with him while driving because someone will be with her just for the drive in and back home. Once she is in town she cant talk while driving so I am hoping the car will be sitting still if she chats to him by voice. Even better would be if he meets her in person. And I will setting the trip meter, he has a cottage aways away from town. I know what should ruffly be the km's for a round trip to town with a little bit of town driving added to it, 50 to 60 miles tops. Today she will have three hours to burn before bowling, some of that time will be for a few groceries and to eat. The rest of that time will be free time to play.
somebody told me a good tip is to keep an eye on her panty liners if she uses them, and she always has used them since we been together. I did notice right now she has three liners in her purse for spares. I will e checking when she comes home how many is left. She uses her liners as pads also cause she doesnt have a fully monty period anymore. Thats why she keeps spares but they can also bein there for a quick change before she heads home to me. I hope the var catches something today so I can end this, its hard on the nerves lol!!


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Alister said:


> Thanks for all these tips, I have checked all the hot spots I can think of for a phone. I was thinking she might have found a good cubby hole at work. She would know every cubby hole in the building. But in order for her to use it outside of work she would have to have it with her on weekends. I will have to take notice if she makes a quick trip to the school to "check on something" before she heads to town this afternoon.
> Ithink gus asked me where I live, I live in eastern canada "maritimes". At least today she wont be able to communicate with him while driving because someone will be with her just for the drive in and back home. Once she is in town she cant talk while driving so I am hoping the car will be sitting still if she chats to him by voice. Even better would be if he meets her in person. And I will setting the trip meter, he has a cottage aways away from town. I know what should ruffly be the km's for a round trip to town with a little bit of town driving added to it, 50 to 60 miles tops. Today she will have three hours to burn before bowling, some of that time will be for a few groceries and to eat. The rest of that time will be free time to play.
> somebody told me a good tip is to keep an eye on her panty liners if she uses them, and she always has used them since we been together. I did notice right now she has three liners in her purse for spares. I will e checking when she comes home how many is left. She uses her liners as pads also cause she doesnt have a fully monty period anymore. Thats why she keeps spares but they can also bein there for a quick change before she heads home to me. I hope the var catches something today so I can end this, its hard on the nerves lol!!


Good luck today! What do you mean she can't be talking while driving? Is that against the law where you live? Just curious.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Its this:

Distracted driving is a national issue. As a result, all 10 provinces in Canada have some form of cell phone/distracted driving legislation in place.

But I'm thinking that if "things" are as bad as it seems....talking on a cell phone while driving is the least of the issues here.

People do hands free too so that would be the best to get both sides of the conversation.

Regardless. good luck and keep strong.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Noble1 said:


> Its this:
> 
> Distracted driving is a national issue. As a result, all 10 provinces in Canada have some form of cell phone/distracted driving legislation in place.
> 
> ...


Good thing Mrs. Gus and I both have Bluetooth built into our vehicles...

City Council adopts ban on San Antonio drivers holding cellphones - San Antonio Express-News


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Well the var was a bust for yesterday, nothing to raise suspicion. She was actualy at the bowling alley a half hour early, she called me from there and I could hear the noise in the background. 
I set up the var in the house this morning, her best friend was over for tea (female). They both depend upon each other to get **** of there chest when they need to talk to someone. She was telling her how I think she is cheating on me because she is talking to a co-worker. She said "ffs he is 20 years older then me and not even good looking, I could see him being jealous if he was hot but he aint". She never told her the whole story, all she said was that I knew she was talking to him and that he was mad because I deleted some messages. Not even close to the true story because if she said the whole story her friend would not blame me a bit for being suspicious.
So now I sit here and wonder, if she was cheating would she let anything out at all about it even if its her best friend. Is it because she is frustrated that I think she is cheating and needs to talk to someone about it? Confused now!!!


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Alister said:


> Well the var was a bust for yesterday, nothing to raise suspicion. She was actualy at the bowling alley a half hour early, she called me from there and I could hear the noise in the background.
> I set up the var in the house this morning, her best friend was over for tea (female). They both depend upon each other to get **** of there chest when they need to talk to someone. She was telling her how I think she is cheating on me because she is talking to a co-worker. She said "ffs he is 20 years older then me and not even good looking, I could see him being jealous if he was hot but he aint". She never told her the whole story, all she said was that I knew she was talking to him and that he was mad because I deleted some messages. Not even close to the true story because if she said the whole story her friend would not blame me a bit for being suspicious.
> So now I sit here and wonder, if she was cheating would she let anything out at all about it even if its her best friend. Is it because she is frustrated that I think she is cheating and needs to talk to someone about it? Confused now!!!


I guess it depends, but no, she would not tell her BFF in my opinion. One of my BFFs never told any of us (girlfriends) when she was.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Well the var was a bust for yesterday, nothing to raise suspicion. She was actualy at the bowling alley a half hour early, she called me from there and I could hear the noise in the background.
> I set up the var in the house this morning, her best friend was over for tea (female). They both depend upon each other to get **** of there chest when they need to talk to someone. She was telling her how I think she is cheating on me because she is talking to a co-worker. She said "ffs he is 20 years older then me and not even good looking, I could see him being jealous if he was hot but he aint". She never told her the whole story, all she said was that I knew she was talking to him and that he was mad because I deleted some messages. Not even close to the true story because if she said the whole story her friend would not blame me a bit for being suspicious.
> So now I sit here and wonder, if she was cheating would she let anything out at all about it even if its her best friend. Is it because she is frustrated that I think she is cheating and needs to talk to someone about it? Confused now!!!


She's covering her bases w/ spin doctoring and damage control.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Maybe she is spin doctoring, I dont know why she would bother she knows I never told anyone. She just let part of the cat out of the bag, she left so much out of the story that her bff is probably thinking whats the other half. Her bff knows me very well and I would hope she would know that it would take a lot more to make me accuse her of cheating then what my spouse told her. Personally I think her bff is wondering what is going on. I am far from done, the var will be set up again tomorrow.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Alister said:


> Maybe she is spin doctoring, I dont know why she would bother she knows I never told anyone. She just let part of the cat out of the bag, she left so much out of the story that her bff is probably thinking whats the other half. Her bff knows me very well and I would hope she would know that it would take a lot more to make me accuse her of cheating then what my spouse told her. Personally I think her bff is wondering what is going on. I am far from done, the var will be set up again tomorrow.


Good on the BFF . I'd see through it too with all of my friends.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Her bff is very good at finishing a puzzle, a lot sharper then my spouse. She knows damn well there is more to this story. Her husband is my good friend, I wonder if maybe I should confide in him. That way if he tells his wife what I said she will put it all together. Do you think that is a good idea? I really like these people and the last thing I want them to think is that I am a jealous fool.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Eh... phone calls can be made via FaceTime, but -- unless the 3G is just crazy good in their area -- she's probably not doing that via an iPhone 4.
> 
> That's not to say that she couldn't be using another VoIP app, though.


My wife was driving to the nearby Starbucks and using FaceTime by connecting with their wifi while still in the car.


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Alister said:


> Her bff is very good at finishing a puzzle, a lot sharper then my spouse. She knows damn well there is more to this story. Her husband is my good friend, I wonder if maybe I should confide in him. That way if he tells his wife what I said she will put it all together. Do you think that is a good idea? I really like these people and the last thing I want them to think is that I am a jealous fool.



Nope.

If she's cheating she's trying to be complex. Complex plans always fail. Keep it simple and don't tell anyone (other than us anonymous folks) and keep focused at the task at hand.

The reason why her friend knows that there is more is because she admitted that she's processed that you are fearful of a possible affair and that the relationship still exists in an unaltered state (effectively) is the red flag to end all red flags. The best case scenario is that she's horribly and intentionally insensitive, which may be worse than an actual affair in some regards.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Well the var was a bust for yesterday, nothing to raise suspicion. She was actualy at the bowling alley a half hour early, she called me from there and I could hear the noise in the background.
> I set up the var in the house this morning, her best friend was over for tea (female). They both depend upon each other to get **** of there chest when they need to talk to someone. She was telling her how I think she is cheating on me because she is talking to a co-worker. She said "ffs he is 20 years older then me and not even good looking, I could see him being jealous if he was hot but he aint". She never told her the whole story, all she said was that I knew she was talking to him and that he was mad because I deleted some messages. Not even close to the true story because if she said the whole story her friend would not blame me a bit for being suspicious.
> So now I sit here and wonder, if she was cheating would she let anything out at all about it even if its her best friend. Is it because she is frustrated that I think she is cheating and needs to talk to someone about it? Confused now!!!


The fact that she knows of your suspicions and is complaining to her friend is concerning.

This indicates that if she is doing the wrong thing catching her will be made all that much harder as she will be taking precautions. 

I would seriously continue with the VARS long term. They are your best bet here. One in the Car and another in the house


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

It is very concerning to me that she is trying to make me pass as a jealous fool. I cant right now but at some point her friend will know the truth. I am not giving up, im sure they are going to take a break to let things cool down but I know it will pick back up. This var is a great tool, if only I had more of a spy version it would be even better. I always get butterflies in my stomach when I start to listen what's on the var because you never know what you are going to hear.
I only wish I would of come to TAM before I confronted her, she would still be talking to him strong and I would have this all looked after by now.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She's trying to get affirmation from her bff. Spin the story just enough to make you seem like a paranoid bad guy, get some sympathy from bff, which in her mind translates to her not doing anything wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Alister said:


> It is very concerning to me that she is trying to make me pass as a jealous fool. I cant right now but at some point her friend will know the truth. I am not giving up, im sure they are going to take a break to let things cool down but I know it will pick back up. This var is a great tool, if only I had more of a spy version it would be even better. *I always get butterflies in my stomach when I start to listen what's on the var because you never know what you are going to hear.*
> I only wish I would of come to TAM before I confronted her, she would still be talking to him strong and I would have this all looked after by now.


I can imagine! The other day my STBX went to a MLB game and had seats "right behind home plate." I am pretty sure he went with OW. I had a couple drinks before I turned on the TV to see if I could spot them. I know I should have stayed away and not even done that. I did not see them because most of the camera shots only went up to the 5th row and he was in the 8th. But I was a nervous wreck. (And glutton for punishment)

Do VARs pick up when the radio is on?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Radios make it very difficult to hear what's on the VAR. tough to hear what's being said. Usually though if someone is talking on phone the radio is off. Of course if you they are in car together and Marvin Gaye starts playing... Well you can imagine.

From the book of weightlifter, if you listen to a VAR and it sounds like your spouse is about to get busy, stop listening and asked s trusted friend to listen and give you a summary. You don't need to hear your spouse screwing someone else. It will mess you up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

Agree on that last statement. It really will mess you up.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Alister said:


> I only wish I would of come to TAM before I confronted her, she would still be talking to him strong and I would have this all looked after by now.


Anyone new here that's reading TAM because they suspect that their spouse/SO might be cheating - READ THE ABOVE.

Soft and to early confronts only tip off the possible WS. The same reason that you walk light footed to sneak up on someone applies here. You don't want to warn them that you're trying to catch them.

Do your homework, gather your evidence, then confront.

Of the BS's that have posted here, the ones that didn't tip their hand too early by confronting without evidence, usually find what is really going on much earlier then the one's that confronted with just a gut feeling about some possible red flags.

Get some proof first, otherwise they most likely will just try to explain the red flags away.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Anyone new here that's reading TAM because they suspect that their spouse/SO might be cheating - READ THE ABOVE.
> 
> Soft and to early confronts only tip off the possible WS. The same reason that you walk light footed to sneak up on someone applies here. You don't want to warn them that you're trying to catch them.
> 
> ...


Ugh. How many times has an early confrontation led to much harder investigations?

Many of the biggest threads.

Btw. Dont tell anyone.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Well what a change of events!! The spouse come clean last night, well clean as I would expect her to. When she got off work she quickly made a tea and asked me to join her down the basement. While down there she said "I noticed a big change in you over the last couple weeks since this whole situation with the OM happen, what was going on was nothing more then friendship and I know you will never believe me because of the lies and yes I was still talking to him via imessage. The only reason why I kept it going was because I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong. He is 20 years older then me and not attractive. He is just a really nice guy to talk to and enjoyed having chats with him. He never once made any type of pass or try to change to subject to sex. I know this was really chewing you up inside and I am afraid if I don't stop this you will end up cheating on me or leaving me over it. I called him tonight just before I left work and told him that we had to end our friendship and just go back to being co-workers, we can catch up on our chats when you are at the school doing maintenance. She explained to him why I was so upset because of the deleting and lies. He asked me why I deleted the messages because there was nothing to hide. I told him it was a long story and that something that happen in the past that was my fault is the reason why he pays close attention to who I am talking to." She even offered me her phone to do what ever I wanted, she said hook it up to the computer and search your heart out. I asked why she never offered me the phone before and she said she was just pissed off at me and did not feel she had to. As much as I wanted to take the phone I figured that if she offered me the phone then more then likely there is nothing to see. What do you guys think of this??? I will still be keeping a close eye on the whole situation just in case this is just a plot for me to drop my guard. VAR is still in place!!!


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Alister:

Keep the VAR in place. She is still going right along with classic cheater script. I heard almost the very same line of BS. Pfft, cheaters are so unoriginal! Why do they always tell you the other person isn't hot enough to cheat with? Hear that one all the time.

Keep acting like nothing is wrong. Keep the VAR in place. Give her lots of rope. My bet is it is deep underground.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I would believe her. Most people here would call what she was doing an emotional affair, whether she realized it or not. If she was having an emotional affair, she is likely feeling something is lacking and needs the marriage to ramp up on emotional connection.
That being said, I would still keep an eye on her, but would also make a plan with her to correct the marriage problems. Starting with reading "His Needs, Her Needs," would be a good start.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"he's (she's) just a friend!" <- said every cheater ever


imessages can be undeleted unless she did a full reinstall (doubtful).... hook that up to wondershare or fonelab


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well how nice of her. 

She lying through her teeth. Alister, I don't text my best friends as much as she was texting that codger. 

I'll bet she has now a burner phone hidden somewhere. Keep it up with the VAR. Don't let off your surveillance.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you having sex?


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Yes we are still having sex. I am playing the game, everything is perfectly fine...hehehe!!


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Hilarious


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Alister said:


> Yes we are still having sex. I am playing the game, everything is perfectly fine...hehehe!!


Remember what I said - do not get her pregnant.

And do not trust/assume that she is current with her birth control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Well, you said this would be the third strike. I think it is. She has cultivated a relationship with another man and purposely hidden it from you.

Aren't you tired of this sort of nonsense? This is no way to live, in my opinion. There's always drama and you are constantly on alert that she is hiding things and trying to be with other men. Life is too short. I don't know how old you are, but if you were my son, I would counsel you to move on and find a more peaceful, gratifying life for yourself.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Well, you said this would be the third strike. I think it is. She has cultivated a relationship with another man and purposely hidden it from you.
> 
> Aren't you tired of this sort of nonsense? This is no way to live, in my opinion. There's always drama and you are constantly on alert that she is hiding things and trying to be with other men. Life is too short. I don't know how old you are, but if you were my son, I would counsel you to move on and find a more peaceful, gratifying life for yourself.


:iagree:

Life is too short to waste on an idiot.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Life is too short to waste on idiots.


I completely agree. Unfortunately, our biology doesn't seem to really allow us to truly figure this out until we're older. Until then, luurve can keep us on tenterhooks and in pain. (When I think of some of the stuff I put up with when I was younger, I can't believe it.)

OP says he doesn't want to part from his child at all, so PA is what he is looking for to trigger a decision to divorce. I think he is in for years of pain & think that shared custody will still allow him to be a good dad.

And who knows? Given how predictable this all is, there is likely a PA to uncover...


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its possible she telling the truth. Its probab!le she's not. Keep up the surveillance and verify everything.

Did she tell you the passwords?? 

Have you GPSed her car??

Look up the evidence gathering thread, take the phone and back it up to the computer then use the programs that find deleted messages. You might also see what she's done to the phone. Find out what apps have been installed and deleted.

She seems like her nerves have gotten the best of her. Keep up your current behaviour and see if more nuts fall off the tree.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

We went to town to get a new phone last. She ended up going to a different service provide, they had a good promo. So now this phone is solely under her name and I have no access to phone logs. In a way this is a good thing, she can start talking again and that is just what I want (if she is still talking to him)
I will getting my hands on her old phone to put her pictures on icloud/itunes. I have to get step by step instructions on how to do this. Simple well explained steps. I will more then likely be alone when I do this. Shehas no idea that deleted messages can be recovered. I wil be taking the phone to work with me on monday. I needto know what (free) program I can get to do this and should I download to the computer before I hook the phone up. Ifanyoe can post a link to a site that explains all I have to do it would be greatly appreciated!!!! Its an iphone 4. I would also need to know if there are any settings I need to change before I back up the phone. Thanks everyone!!!


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Gus will check in at some point. I trust him for all of my phone surveillance needs.

He will probably advice you to avoid the free trials and subscribe to the services.

If you are worried about a charge showing up on a credit card statement, buy a prepaid credit card from the supermarket and use that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> We went to town to get a new phone last. She ended up going to a different service provide, they had a good promo. So now this phone is solely under her name and I have no access to phone logs. In a way this is a good thing, she can start talking again and that is just what I want (if she is still talking to him)
> I will getting my hands on her old phone to put her pictures on icloud/itunes. I have to get step by step instructions on how to do this. Simple well explained steps. I will more then likely be alone when I do this. Shehas no idea that deleted messages can be recovered. I wil be taking the phone to work with me on monday. I needto know what (free) program I can get to do this and should I download to the computer before I hook the phone up. Ifanyoe can post a link to a site that explains all I have to do it would be greatly appreciated!!!! Its an iphone 4. I would also need to know if there are any settings I need to change before I back up the phone. Thanks everyone!!!


Is her new phone also an iPhone?

Does she use an iPad or Mac computer of any kind (iMac, Mac mini, Macbook, etc)?

ETA: Whether you have direct access to phone logs or not, any refusal on her part to produce them upon request should be seen as a HUGE red flag.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

What a coincidence huh. She comes clean and tells you that they're just friends and she won't talk with him(outside of work) anymore - Then she gets a new phone on a separate plan right afterwards.

I can almost guarantee that she will eventually start talking to him again on this new phone/plan.

She may have told you the truth(or most of it), but given her history of EA's and the amount of contact she was having with this latest OM... She's not done with him yet.

She said she "was still talking to him via imessage". I'm not up on this stuff. Is this trackable/tracable?...

The thing that gets me the most about what she said to you Yesterday was "I called him tonight just before I left work and told him that we had to end our friendship and just go back to being co-workers, *we can catch up on our chats when you are at the school doing maintenance*."

So she's done this before and you got p!ssed both times. She's doing it again and you got p!ssed. Yet, she tells you right up front that she is still going to continue to do it. But it'll only be face-to-face with him, at work.

Sometimes people just don't, won't, or can't get it. So far, she's one of these people.

I feel that it will be just a matter of time before you have evidence that she's in contact with him again(away from/out of work). Just paint on a smile and be prepared...


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Well what a change of events!! The spouse come clean last night, well clean as I would expect her to. When she got off work she quickly made a tea and asked me to join her down the basement. While down there she said "I noticed a big change in you over the last couple weeks since this whole situation with the OM happen, what was going on was nothing more then friendship and I know you will never believe me because of the lies and yes I was still talking to him via imessage. The only reason why I kept it going was because I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong. He is 20 years older then me and not attractive. He is just a really nice guy to talk to and enjoyed having chats with him. He never once made any type of pass or try to change to subject to sex. I know this was really chewing you up inside and I am afraid if I don't stop this you will end up cheating on me or leaving me over it. *I called him tonight just before I left work and told him that we had to end our friendship and just go back to being co-workers, we can catch up on our chats when you are at the school doing maintenance.* She explained to him why I was so upset because of the deleting and lies. He asked me why I deleted the messages because there was nothing to hide. I told him it was a long story and that something that happen in the past that was my fault is the reason why he pays close attention to who I am talking to." She even offered me her phone to do what ever I wanted, she said hook it up to the computer and search your heart out. I asked why she never offered me the phone before and she said she was just pissed off at me and did not feel she had to. As much as I wanted to take the phone I figured that if she offered me the phone then more then likely there is nothing to see. What do you guys think of this??? I will still be keeping a close eye on the whole situation just in case this is just a plot for me to drop my guard. VAR is still in place!!!


Ending the friendship means ENDING THE FRIENDSHIP, not continuing the friendship only when you're not around.

DERP.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Alister said:


> The only reason why I kept it going was because I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong. He is 20 years older then me and not attractive. He is just a really nice guy to talk to and enjoyed having chats with him. He never once made any type of pass or try to change to subject to sex. I know this was really chewing you up inside and I am afraid if I don't stop this you will end up cheating on me or leaving me over it. I called him tonight just before I left work and told him that we had to end our friendship and just go back to being co-workers, we can catch up on our chats when you are at the school doing maintenance. She explained to him why I was so upset because of the deleting and lies. *He asked me why I deleted the messages because there was nothing to hide.* I told him it was a long story and that something that happen in the past that was my fault is the reason why he pays close attention to who I am talking to." She even offered me her phone to do what ever I wanted, she said hook it up to the computer and search your heart out.


Ha ha. Sure he did. 

Why did she delete "innocent" messages?


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Alister said:


> I needto know what (free) program I can get to do this and should I download to the computer before I hook the phone up.


don't worry about free...spending $70 to know the truth would be worth it!

but wondershare dr. fone for ios has a free trial you can download. you just can't save the results with the free versions. you can just do screen grabs though. 

fonelab iphone data recovery is similar


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

My gut says she may be telling the truth about him...

Look at my right hand.
#hits with left hand.

Maybe a second om somewhere...?

Dunno. Pattern not working quite right and I'm not sure what it is.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

could be a 'one sided' affair...the old guy is throwing her a lot of attention, inappropriate compliments, etc, which she enjoys hearing, but yeah, she's not into him at all, so she never responds likewise. She likes having a fan club.

She'd delete the texts to avoid getting in trouble for not telling the guy to buzz off.


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

ReidWright said:


> could be a 'one sided' affair...the old guy is throwing her a lot of attention, inappropriate compliments, etc, which she enjoys hearing, but yeah, she's not into him at all, so she never responds likewise. She likes having a fan club.
> 
> She'd delete the texts to avoid getting in trouble for not telling the guy to buzz off.


Also, I'm with weightlifter....someone else is the mist!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, your post read like she saw your thread.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Here's an idea for you. Go off the script. Walk right out of the scene. You have more than enough justification at this point. Her admission, in which she admits nothing and states she will continue the relationship despite you, the new phone/new terms, and apparently her history (haven't read everything, I don't need to). Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself, and mean it. If she is on her third chance, well you've gone one chance too many already, but she ought to be doing everything she can to build and maintain your relationship. She's clearly not. So stop playing her game, and start playing by your own rules.


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm just wondering if she came clean because she's found the var?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

ricky15100 said:


> I'm just wondering if she came clean because she's found the var?


If she found the VAR, he would have heard it on the recording.

Even if she didn't say something out loud like :What the hell is this?!", he would of heard the sounds of her handling the VAR at least.

The same kind sounds he'd here from when he was placing it where it was to begin with.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Patterns just not quite working...

Something is up, but its odd.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Here's an idea for you. Go off the script. Walk right out of the scene. You have more than enough justification at this point. Her admission, in which she admits nothing and states she will continue the relationship despite you, the new phone/new terms, and apparently her history (haven't read everything, I don't need to). Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself, and mean it. If she is on her third chance, well you've gone one chance too many already, but she ought to be doing everything she can to build and maintain your relationship. She's clearly not. So stop playing her game, and start playing by your own rules.


He wont. 

I can tell by the way Allister writes and talks about his wife that he is the kind of subjugated male that will carry the torch until he literally stumbles into the bedroom and sees another man on top of her.

He cannot let go of the dream. He knows his wife is treacherous, but the dream of a happy marriage is still his addiction. He's a dream addict.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

ReidWright said:


> could be a 'one sided' affair...the old guy is throwing her a lot of attention, inappropriate compliments, etc, which she enjoys hearing, but yeah, she's not into him at all, so she never responds likewise. She likes having a fan club.
> 
> She'd delete the texts to avoid getting in trouble for not telling the guy to buzz off.


I am starting to think this might be the case, not 100% sure! This guy has a femine side, not gay but fits in well with female conversation. He is in Las Vegas for some trainning this week so voice conversation may not happen till he is back home.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

I am sure there is no one else, my radar is on full blast. She is not very good at sneaking around, but really good at lying(or thinks she is). I have her figured out now and she knows it.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She's had a lot of practice over the years, from what you told us.

Keep that radar on full blast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Hey, nothing new yet. Had to find a better location for the var. Just an update so you don't think I am done on here.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Well well well...the VAR pulled through. Heard what I needed to hear yesterday. He is in Vegas on some training so facetime was what they were using. It was a full blown EA and he was luring her in to a PA. Nothing physical happen, I heard him say "I cant wait for us to have some alone time" she responded with "maybe soon we will but I am not sure if I want this, if it happens it happens". It was more one sided, he was in to her way more then her in to him. But she played along with it making her just a guilty. There is no better feeling to finally put an end to it. 
When I sat her down yesterday afternoon and told her word for word what they were talking about her jaw just dropped...it was priceless. She told me that she tried to end it a couple times but his charm would suck her back in. She didn't want it to become anything more then innocent flirting but somewhere along the way she was sucked in. She said that when ever she told him that the texting/calling had to stop he would text her 2 days later asking her if everything was ok with us and then he would just keep texting. She said that she was in the wrong as much as him and that if she was more stern with him it would of ended. Not to cover up for her but she is way to easy going when it comes to this stuff. She doesn't understand where that fine line is when it comes to innocent flirting. She said "I really had no intentions on sleeping with him even though I was leading him on". She was liking the attention. This is partly my fault, being both busy with work and raising a child you take your relationship for granted and put it on the back burner. When I sat back and thought about it our relationship was fading away, we both played a roll in that part.
We are going to try and work it out, I told her that I can not promise her that I will gain back trust the way it was before but I am willing to try and see how it goes. She gave me full access to her phone, everything in on for spotlight searching and she said when ever you want to see my phone you can. She has not ate since yesterday afternoon, her eyes look like a sad puppy dog. She said this is not the person I want to be and I think having male friends does not work for me. 
God knows where this will end, I got a lot more out of her this time then I did with the last two. She is hurting big time right now. I cant say that I feel bad for her.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Gotta admit, I'm surprised! Well done.

I do think maybe with you in her corner laying down the law it will give her what she needs to be rid of him. It doesn't sound like she was all that into him.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You shouldn't feel bad for her. She got herself into this and she is going to have to deal with the consequences. Good for you in pursuing the truth. You will get a lot of responses that she has already had sex with him and so forth, but you have to go with your gut on whether this is true or not.
I am assuming she now knows about the VAR. That is not a good scenario going forth, as you won't be able to use that again if you need to. Never reveal your sources of information.


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

She has no idea how I done this, I have her thinking I had some computer geek help me hack her phone with a program. I know they never had sex yet because they were talking about that in the conversation I heard.
I told him he had two options, first being that I tell his wife or 2nd he can tell her and get her to phone me after to get the proof. All I got back was "I will tell her when I get back on sunday". He is ****ting bricks right now, his wife is the big money maker.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Good job. Take a bow.


----------



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Call his wife and let her know her hubby has something he has to tell her. Nothing more


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Alister said:


> Well what a change of events!! The spouse come clean last night, well clean as I would expect her to. When she got off work she quickly made a tea and asked me to join her down the basement. While down there she said "I noticed a big change in you over the last couple weeks since this whole situation with the OM happen, what was going on was nothing more then friendship and I know you will never believe me because of the lies and yes I was still talking to him via imessage. The only reason why I kept it going was because I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong. He is 20 years older then me and not attractive. He is just a really nice guy to talk to and enjoyed having chats with him. He never once made any type of pass or try to change to subject to sex. I know this was really chewing you up inside and I am afraid if I don't stop this you will end up cheating on me or leaving me over it. I called him tonight just before I left work and told him that we had to end our friendship and just go back to being co-workers, we can catch up on our chats when you are at the school doing maintenance. She explained to him why I was so upset because of the deleting and lies. He asked me why I deleted the messages because there was nothing to hide. I told him it was a long story and that something that happen in the past that was my fault is the reason why he pays close attention to who I am talking to." She even offered me her phone to do what ever I wanted, she said hook it up to the computer and search your heart out. I asked why she never offered me the phone before and she said she was just pissed off at me and did not feel she had to. As much as I wanted to take the phone I figured that if she offered me the phone then more then likely there is nothing to see. What do you guys think of this??? I will still be keeping a close eye on the whole situation just in case this is just a plot for me to drop my guard. VAR is still in place!!!



Alister:

After what you just found and the above from last time (her "coming clean" Bull Shyte) You are going to have to plan your next steps very carefully. You may have actually confronted too soon. She was lying about her first confession. You keep saying she just wanted the attention. BUT, I don't know if I buy that completely. If that was all she wanted, she was willing to risk your relationship over just that. Not a good sign.

You have a serial cheat on your hands. I don't envy you having to live with a person like this as your wife. Rebuilding trust and a healthy relationship is going to be difficult at best.

You need a good plan on what to do next and I suggest you don't wing it.

Let someone with some experience guide you.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> Well well well...the VAR pulled through. Heard what I needed to hear yesterday. He is in Vegas on some training so facetime was what they were using. It was a full blown EA and he was luring her in to a PA. Nothing physical happen, I heard him say "I cant wait for us to have some alone time" she responded with "maybe soon we will but I am not sure if I want this, if it happens it happens". It was more one sided, he was in to her way more then her in to him. But she played along with it making her just a guilty. There is no better feeling to finally put an end to it.
> When I sat her down yesterday afternoon and told her word for word what they were talking about her jaw just dropped...it was priceless. She told me that she tried to end it a couple times but his charm would suck her back in. She didn't want it to become anything more then innocent flirting but somewhere along the way she was sucked in. She said that when ever she told him that the texting/calling had to stop he would text her 2 days later asking her if everything was ok with us and then he would just keep texting. She said that she was in the wrong as much as him and that if she was more stern with him it would of ended. Not to cover up for her but she is way to easy going when it comes to this stuff. She doesn't understand where that fine line is when it comes to innocent flirting. She said "I really had no intentions on sleeping with him even though I was leading him on". She was liking the attention. This is partly my fault, being both busy with work and raising a child you take your relationship for granted and put it on the back burner. When I sat back and thought about it our relationship was fading away, we both played a roll in that part.
> We are going to try and work it out, I told her that I can not promise her that I will gain back trust the way it was before but I am willing to try and see how it goes. She gave me full access to her phone, everything in on for spotlight searching and she said when ever you want to see my phone you can. She has not ate since yesterday afternoon, her eyes look like a sad puppy dog. *She said this is not the person I want to be and I think having male friends does not work for me. *
> God knows where this will end, I got a lot more out of her this time then I did with the last two. She is hurting big time right now. I cant say that I feel bad for her.


Hmm... sounds like this wasn't her first rodeo.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alister said:


> She has no idea how I done this, I have her thinking I had some computer geek help me hack her phone with a program. I know they never had sex yet because they were talking about that in the conversation I heard.
> I told him he had two options, first being that I tell his wife or 2nd he can tell her and get her to phone me after to get the proof. All I got back was "I will tell her when I get back on sunday". He is ****ting bricks right now, his wife is the big money maker.


Nah, f*ck that. All that does is give him a chance to spin things w/ his wife. He'll have her thinking that both you and your wife are nuts. Just go ahead and tell her.

And he's in Vegas for work this week? Hmm... I wonder if he's at EMC World.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would extend him the same consideration that he gave you. Absolutely none. Go straight to his wife and let her know. 

Just be prepared she may know or find out more than you already know.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Nice work.

Don't tell her about the VAR.

AS others said - tell the wife point blank what you know, provide evidence if requested. DO NOT leave it for anyone else to spin that you are crazy. It is very important that you tell the wife.


She could have ended it very easily if she wanted to..

Block his number

Or, tell you, her husband, this guy is harassing her.

She liked the attention.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If you haven't already, take the VAR out of the car the first chance you have. She may figure out how you knew.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can they contact each other at work without you knowing it?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

was vegas guy the too ugly at work guy?


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

What active steps is your WW doing so that she no longer seek other men? NC letter? IC? Quit her job? Reading books? Transparency? Exposure? 

Tell her she needs std testing and a poly regardless if she claims all her affairs weren't physical!!


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Alister good job.

Now set an example to her and offer up some real time consequences.

First and foremost expose to other mans wife. Doing this will most likely blow up their cosy little environment and you will avoid any possible continuation of the affair once things have settled down.

Also more importantly the OM will most likely throw your wife under the bus to save his own marriage.

As for the wife, stick to consequences, complete transparancy phone, whereabouts, emails, etc.

Make it known that you will be on to her like a rash and that gaining your trust will take years to earn back given her previous indescretions.

Most importantly from now on friends of the opposite sex are a no go from now on. This should have been enforced the first time round.

Be wary of a burner phone in future and keep up the VAR. You never know what else you will hear.

Take care and good job on discovering the truth.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> Alister good job.
> 
> Now set an example to her and offer up some real time consequences.
> 
> ...


Not only will this completely cool the OM's "affection," but it will make your wife aware that you do not keep quite and lie low when she is out tearing down your marriage. This is not a secret anymore. This will discourage any of this kind of activity in the future.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Alister said:


> It was more one sided, he was in to her way more then her in to him. But she played along with it making her just a guilty.


You love her and I get that, but this is all minimizing. 

She facetimed him, you have no clue about any other conversations. The fact he felt comfortable asking for "alone time" means, it is much further along than you believe. Consequences.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Good job on getting the confirmation that you needed.

Despite the "bad" news, the fact that you KNOW now is what matters.

What does not matter, right now anyway, is how sad your wife is.

She is totally responsible for putting herself in the position she is in. 

She is totally responsible for not telling you the whole truth and she is totally responsible for helping you get over this.

Like others have said, you need to inform OMW now in order to put some real consequences on the actions that your wife and OM did.

As hard as it may seem now, you need to make sure your wife knows what consequences are coming and what she really needs to do in order to rebuild a new relationship with you - if that is what you really want in the end.

Good luck.


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You need to get on top of telling your wife's boyfriend's wife. It will turn into a negative for you by allowing him to spin it. It could have severe repercussions for your wife to say the least.

Just call her up and tell her? Hopefully you're not too distraught not being straight with him...lol.

Seriously man, if you haven't done this by the time you read this message, you must do it now


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Thank you everyone for the comments!! This is a bitter sweet win for me, uncovering this was a huge relief for me but now I have to deal with the reality that my spouse is a cheat. She knows she is walking on a tight rope, I made it really clear to her that I can not guarantee I will get over this. For the sake of my little girl I am going to try but its been two days since this happen and now that I sit back and absorb what took place I am losing my affection for her. Is this normal and will it come back? I know you can't answer that for me lol! Only time will. 
As far as loverboy goes, don't worry!! He is in for one hell of a ride, I am going to have fun with this. They had their fun while I sat back stressed, now its my turn to have fun with the situation. 
I would like to thank weightlifter, gus, phillyguy for the technical help I needed to solve the puzzle. Plus everyone else who guided me with useful tips. 
And to anyone new reading this, if you think your spouse is cheating listen to what these people are saying. Stop talking, put a smile on your face and get a VAR. IT WILL UNCOVER THE TRUTH!!!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the two books linked to below. NOT JUST FRIENDS is for you both. MMSLP is for you alone. If anything happens after the two of you go through these books and follow their advice, you're in a lost cause.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Alister said:


> Thank you everyone for the comments!! This is a bitter sweet win for me, uncovering this was a huge relief for me but now I have to deal with the reality that my spouse is a cheat. She knows she is walking on a tight rope, I made it really clear to her that I can not guarantee I will get over this. For the sake of my little girl I am going to try but its been two days since this happen and now that I sit back and absorb what took place I am losing my affection for her. Is this normal and will it come back? I know you can't answer that for me lol! Only time will.
> As far as loverboy goes, don't worry!! He is in for one hell of a ride, I am going to have fun with this. They had their fun while I sat back stressed, now its my turn to have fun with the situation.
> I would like to thank weightlifter, gus, phillyguy for the technical help I needed to solve the puzzle. Plus everyone else who guided me with useful tips.
> And to anyone new reading this, if you think your spouse is cheating listen to what these people are saying. Stop talking, put a smile on your face and get a VAR. IT WILL UNCOVER THE TRUTH!!!


The anger is normal. You will go through far worse believe me. you're doing pretty well, but just make sure you quit telegraphing to your wife what your next moves are. You are getting ready to expose her affair partner, not talking about what college you will be sending the kid to. 

Stop telling her and asking her about what you are going to do next. Right now she is not your wife or friend or confidant. make her earn the right to be those things again. 

Get in some counseling so you can have someone flesh and blood to talk to about this.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Alister said:


> She has no idea how I done this, I have her thinking I had some computer geek help me hack her phone with a program.


This is excellent! Just keep letting her believe that. If she's still up to no good she'll end up getting a burner phone, using it to talk in the car, and you'll still catch her with the VAR.

I would keep that thing running under her front seat for awhile.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I hope you won't make a firm commitment to reconcile just yet. You need time to process your feelings.

You know that you can't really trust your WW to protect your heart. You know that she will go to great lengths to have her bit of fun, but keep you on the line.

She isn't marriage material at the moment. In my opinion, she would have to do huge work on herself to become marriage material. She lies too easily; she accepts the attention of other men too easily. She would have to change who she is to become the sort of wife you need and deserve, which is someone who could honor you and your commitment.

So, please don't go all in right now. Leave the door open. Keep your guard up. Keep the VAR going. Now that you've actually heard her betraying you so readily, you may well be on your way to losing respect and love for her. This happens to many people who realize they are tied to people they don't really know, so let your feelings play out before you make any hard and fast decisions.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Alister, well done. At the start of this thread you said that you were trying to nail her with strike 3. What were strikes 1 and 2? What did you find and how did she respond? And how was it dealt with each time?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Once one week out, unless you are getting some red flags, go dormant on the var.

Pm me for a new location for the var say 5 weeks more or less from today.

Monitoring needs to turn to auditing or it will eat you up. As time goes the audits get further apart.


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She has probably already alerted her boyfriend FYI. Particularly if she cares more about his happiness than you're reassurance


----------



## Alister (Apr 15, 2015)

Hey everyone, just an update!!! Seems to be the affair is gone cold. Not seeing action on her phone, he has not been to her place of work since it happen. I told his boss about what he was doing, using his work phone for affairs plus him being up here every second day to sniff my wife's ass. His boss was not very happy and thanked me for telling him, he said "this explains a lot". So god knows what else he has going on. I contacted his wife through facebook, had no way of getting a number. Luckily I was able to message her without being friends. She did not reply back so I have no idea how that went. She might be the kind of woman who would have to walk in on her husband putting the pickle to another woman. At least she knows and I am sure even though she did not reply back her radar is on looking for red flags.
Weightlifter I am curious on knowing what you want me to do in 5 weeks time?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Good job in telling her boss.


----------



## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

Your wife confess of cheating or u are steal searching for evidences?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What were strikes one and two?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

new locations for VAR. Go cold on spy stuff for now if you are getting solid green flags atm.


----------

