# the broken hamburger !!!???!!!



## preso (May 1, 2009)

Husband was grilling burgers late yesterday and one broke...
so he comes over to me where I am sitting across the yard with the dogs and says to me
" a burger broke, do you want it?"

WHAT ???? hell no !
He looked puzzled and went back to his grill...


this made me realize my husband needed some straighting up
as in the morning he was acting strange too...
being very annoying, but the back to the hamburger...

I realized I had wained in my responsibility to keep him on track how to treat me...
and I told him later he is supposed to offer me the BEST OF THINGS, not the broken !!!

Man alive, I'm going to have to watch him and keep up with these little things before he thinks he can start walking all over me.
Ladies, pay attention, ignoring the little things can work against you. My husband later told me he thought about it and I was right. He should have given the broken burger to the dogs or ate it himself.
It may seem like a little thing but it's really not. Little things like this can open a new mindset of how your husband sees and treats you... You teach your man how to treat you, and
I am not the broken burger wife. 

comments?


----------



## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

What you are asserting makes good sense, but (and a VERY big but here) it MUST be balanced with the idea of "picking your battles". You said:

---Man alive, I'm going to have to watch him and keep up with these little things before he thinks he can start walking all over me.---

Yes, oppression starts a bit at a time. But do you also want to be the wife who explodes over every little thing? He burns an egg... BAM, a day in the doghouse! He makes a comment you don't like.. SHAZAM, no sex for a month. He doesn't clean/perform a task up to your expectations... WHAP you berate him at the top of your lungs and tell him he is worthless.

Some of you are reading the above and thinking "he's exaggerating! It doesn't go like that". Here is the thing though -- that bit preso said about the little things, it works in the other direction too.

See, a very funny thing happens when people feel controlled by their partners. They REBEL, and they do it BIG TIME. if you assume that every little thing means your spouse is trying to control you, and you react in a manner that is completely off the scale with whatever he is doing (because you believe you are reacting to being controlled, whereas he believes he you are reacting to whatever the thing is) you will either push him completely away, or you will have world war 3.

To put it more simply, if you go looking for reasons to fight, you will find them. If you react to those reasons in an apocalyptic manner, you will have a very unhappy life.

Also, when you ex[ect the worst of your partner, they tend to live up to that expectation. Say you are trying to save for a vacation, and you are going out for the day. One of you sees some store that contains things you like, and the other thinks "oh crud, there goes our vacation fund" and vocalizes this opinion. You feel hurt because your partner assumes the worst, and now you feel justified in going right ahead and blowing through that money.

She also said:

---You teach your man how to treat you---

On this we can absolutely agree. Do you want your man to learn that you will explode over every little thing? As a man, I can assure you one of two things will happen.

1) He will just stop telling you things. Lying/hiding stuff in this case is worth the risk since you will be mad no matter what, so he might as well take a chance on avoiding one fight by keeping it from you.

2) You will have an enormous power struggle, and lay waste to everything you hold dear, unless one of you backs down (which means the "winner" has just won a lifetime of resent) or you end up separating.

Unless you call off the fight and reconcile, one of those two things will happen.

Another funny thing about these "red flags". EVERYONE will display a few in their lifetimes, no exceptions. While certain combinations, repeated, spell trouble, an isolated flag here or there does not mean in 5 years your man will be a cheating lying gambling alcoholic.

Again, when you go looking for trouble, you'll find it. You have to decide whether a broken burger is the hill you want to die on.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

Thank you for your comment
but I did the right thing and more imprortantly the timing was 
great !!!
I realized when he offered me that broken burger, his mindset was not where it should be. In my marriage, my husband is not going to bring me the leftovers, he is going to treat me like his queen....
and offer me the BEST, not the worst !

or I'd prefer to be single. thats just how it is.
Hopefully the situation made the point clear to him.


----------



## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---In my marriage, my husband is not going to bring me the leftovers, he is going to treat me like his queen.... and offer me the BEST, not the worst !---

If you are a queen, then he gets to be a king. While I don't disagree with expecting the best from your partner, I SINCERELY hope that giving you the BEST does not require him taking the WORST.

You say you'd rather be single if you don't get the best? Believe me, he will come to the same conclusion.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Preso I agree with Chopblock. 

Winning (being treated like a Queen because you DEMAND it or else) 

is a hard position to hold, because the change and behavior is coming from YOU and your position of power (the or else) rather than from him and his love for you. Just my opinion. 

If you want your husband to treat you like a Queen, act like one - and treat him like a Prince  Most men would relish the thought of treating a 'lady' like a Queen. But ladies remind their lovers gently of their faults - with love and tenderness and understanding.


----------



## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Hey, snix! I wondered what happened to you. Are things OK now, or did you leave your husband? I don't want to hijack the thread, I'm just curious.

That Dr. Phil quote preso used about how we teach people how to treat us also supports the idea of acting like a queen (not a princess) to get the message across. If you teach people that you are prickly and will overreact, they will learn to avoid you and treat you like a grenade with the pin pulled out.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hi chop, see my other threads  I think preso is unhappy and upset, but not about hamburgers. There are bigger issues here and it's coming out as food wars.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

People marry for different reasons and also people vary greatly in their lives. In my situation, there are no financial problems, cheating problems, drug or unemployment problems...
it is only a matter to make sure my husband does not begin to take me for granted.
There is no underlying time bomb waiting to explode... the hamburger situation is more for the younger or inexperienced readers on this forum, to illistrate how this "take your spouse for granted" can creep in.
My husband and I are not young or inexperienced in relationships...
but we are human and it is an easy thing to do to start to take your spouse for granted. It's up to us to make sure this doesn't happen as I did not marry a "take advantage of his wife" kinda guy.

There is a lesson to be learned from the broken hamburger, not only for my husband, but maybe other readers of this forum.
I did not marry for desperation or for many of the reasons some marry. I married to be the queen of my marriage... 
and my husband knew it when he married me. I have to keep him on track.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you are both right--and it's about how you do it, not the ultimate goal. You should treat your spouse lovingly and like the BEST thing in your life, always, and you also need to expect to be treated that way. I started our marriage like that and lived it--my husband insisted that your spouse should be the person "you can be yourself with" and that in the home, you can relax your standard of decency. I guess that sums up the problems of our marriage right there--I got tired of being treated that way.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I think you are both right--and it's about how you do it, not the ultimate goal. You should treat your spouse lovingly and like the BEST thing in your life, always, and you also need to expect to be treated that way. I started our marriage like that and lived it--my husband insisted that your spouse should be the person "you can be yourself with" and that in the home, you can relax your standard of decency. I guess that sums up the problems of our marriage right there--I got tired of being treated that way.



Thats right that you should treat your spouse well.
I have no intention of being taken for granted as happens in many marriages... my husband married me because I'm intelligent and beautiful and he should continue to treat me 
well even though I married him. He should bring me only the best of things, not the worst. 
I was happy to have the hamburger as an example and it wasn't over something bigger to drive my thoughts to him.
Little things like this is how a couple starts to fall into a bad way of taking each other for granted.
I treat my husband well, like a king, and he should treat me like his queen.
If this was not the way its going to be, I'd just assume be single as when I was dating, I was treated super well and I did not marry to be taken for granted.


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

If my wife got that upset over a hamburger, I'd probably tell her to go take a crazy pill and calm the crap down.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

revitalizedhusband said:


> If my wife got that upset over a hamburger, I'd probably tell her to go take a crazy pill and calm the crap down.



yeah maybe... 
but think about this. Not all men are kings and people usually hook up with their match or equal...
so maybe this would never even be an issue for you. 

I am not your average woman in many regards, so average marriage, average relationship and average men are not for me. I only married because I found a man who was emotionally mature. A man like this is about one in 20 million...
so I do have something to work with and my efforts do not fall on deaf, dumb or immature ears 

I agree most men and I would not get along. I've dated enough of them in my life to know. Only the very best, the cream of the crop for me and the only reason I married.


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

"I found a man who was emotionally mature. A man like this is about one in 20 million..."

So only 1 in 20 million men are "emotionally mature"? Wow, you have a sad view on life, relationships, and men in general.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i'll take the 'broken hamburger'. poor thing.

it can't help that it's 'broken'. it still tastes just as good.

all it ever wanted to be was the hit of the bbq, but ended up a pawn in a power-struggle-in-a-teapot.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

to each their own... no broken bugers for this girl


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you're both happy? Go for it. I hope your definitions of 'royal treatment' mean you both feel fulfilled.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

mmm, I'd love to eat it...uh, the burger?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Wow, deciding a "broken" hamburger represents a slight in how your husband treats you?

Maybe he by asking you was trying to see if you didn't want perfectly good food go to waste. 

Men are not emotionally immature just because they are not a$$kissers.

He might have been testing to see if you were shallow about things like cracked hamburgers or willing to let the trivial go because your eye is on the ball about those mature, important things in life.

Are all things a test of the value one places in the marriage? He does this and it means that? 

Emotional maturity, I wonder what that is all about?


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

yeah, you tell him, "no broken burgers!!!!"

when he decides not to offer any burger to you, you can scream at the top of your lungs "success!!!"

oh, i'm sorry. i thought this was about burgers. remember, there are some who would welcome the offer.


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I would have taken the broken hambuger and said "thank you." There are many starving people in this world. I gladly take leftovers and leave the "better" pieces for my kids or husband. He and I treat each other as equals, no royal treatment desired nor expected. I can see how little things can explode to much bigger issues.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

We teach people how to treat us... 

To each their own, people marry for different reasons and I did not marry for sex or financial reasons. I married for relationship and expect to be treated well.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

preso said:


> We teach people how to treat us...
> 
> To each their own, people marry for different reasons and I did not marry for sex or financial reasons. I married for relationship and expect to be treated well.


I have no problem with that reasoning. I just question whether a broken hamburger represents disrespect or a degrading of his treatment of you, especially since he asked you if you wanted it.

I see it as more of him not wanting to waste food and having made a slightly flawed hamburger that was perfectly good to eat.

Your judgment of it as representing negative things is what got me.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

michzz said:


> I have no problem with that reasoning. I just question whether a broken hamburger represents disrespect or a degrading of his treatment of you, especially since he asked you if you wanted it.
> 
> I see it as more of him not wanting to waste food and having made a slightly flawed hamburger that was perfectly good to eat.
> 
> Your judgment of it as representing negative things is what got me.


to bad you missed the point, my husband sure didn't.
People marry for different reasons, I did not marry to be a taken for granted wife.
Be the last time he offers me anything undesirable, I hope....
as
I did not marry to be or accept anything other than my partners best. He could have eaten the broken burger himself, but I guess it wasn't good enough for him, so why should it be for me.

Same would go for old clothing he no longer wants, no don't bring it to me... I don't want it either
or anything that is not in good shape. I'm not the local goodwill and I'm not standing in line at the soup kitchen.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is beginning to sound like one of those jokes. . . What did the priest/rabbi/minister do with the broken hambuger. . . What did Preso's husband do with the broken hamburger? He offered it to his wife; condolences to the widow may be sent in care of Western State Prison  . . I suspect that those who have never been treated poorly by a spouse do not "get" this. It isn't about the hamburger, people! Cherish your spouse.

And why didn't anyone ask the obvious queston: why didn't HE just eat it?


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

preso said:


> We teach people how to treat us...
> 
> To each their own, people marry for different reasons and I did not marry for sex or financial reasons. I married for relationship and expect to be treated well.


You say most men are emotionally immature and you got that worked up over a hamburger...ironic huh?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My guess is that he did eat a broken hamburger, probably made two of 'em. Happens.


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

Cuckoo! cuckoo!


----------



## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

preso said:


> to bad you missed the point, my husband sure didn't.
> People marry for different reasons, I did not marry to be a taken for granted wife.
> Be the last time he offers me anything undesirable, I hope....
> as
> ...


Proabably wont be the last time he offers something that you think is undersirable. He probably didn't see the burger as a symbol of his love. Most people wouldn't care about a burger that was broken in half.

Pretty careless to put down the goodwill and soup kitchens during an economic crisis and people losing their jobs and houses left and right. Classy...


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

when a "broken burger" becomes a symbol for someone being wronged in a relationship, it's time to seek professional help. how on earth do you equate being offered a "broken burger" with bad treatment or disrespect. i'm sorry, that's cracked logic. but a nice attempt at demonization. your poor spouse.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I suspect that those who have never been treated poorly by a spouse do not "get" this. It isn't about the hamburger, people! Cherish your spouse.
> 
> And why didn't anyone ask the obvious queston: why didn't HE just eat it?


Exactly ! 

and know what? he didn't want to eat the broken burger !!!
haha !!
neither did his young son ( who was there).

What am I ? the broken burger lady ? haha.,.. no way jose !
Nip that crap in the bud before he starts to think I'll settle for anything !!! Same goes for his son... hopefully he learned something too !


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

All I can say is that I'd've just eaten it myself, or just given it to the dogs. I like burgers and dogs (not everyday!)...and sometimes cooking goes wrong. The good thing is I get to eat the mistakes!  Sheesh. 

I grew up with 3 brothers on my mom's secretary's salary. In order to get 2nds, we had to finish 1sts. Not a gobble factory, but we learned to eat. 

I'll never have a problem with good food. I HATE wasting food (forget the dang kids in India!!). I finish everything in front of me...if I can't, it goes in the fridge until I can eat it. 

I NEVER have problems with leftovers (although I don't cook with that in mind...just what is needed for the current meal). 

Over the past several months, I'd've loved that burger! I have my pride, but I also know what it's like to not eat (I hope you all never do know that!). I'd rather eat. 

Ah, well...different perspectives I guess.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

preso said:


> E
> Nip that crap in the bud before he starts to think I'll settle for anything !!! Same goes for his son... hopefully he learned something too !


He may learn something, but it just might not be what you want him to learn.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

dcrim said:


> All I can say is that I'd've just eaten it myself, or just given it to the dogs. I like burgers and dogs (not everyday!)...and sometimes cooking goes wrong. The good thing is I get to eat the mistakes!  Sheesh.
> 
> I grew up with 3 brothers on my mom's secretary's salary. In order to get 2nds, we had to finish 1sts. Not a gobble factory, but we learned to eat.
> 
> ...


yes .. you are thinking of it from another perspective as it was not a food issue and we had about a dozen burgers on the grill... no one was starving. You are looking at it as a food and economic issue, which it wasn't.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

michzz said:


> He may learn something, but it just might not be what you want him to learn.



he learned, he better not start taking me for granted, because
I'm watching him and his actions.
Now that we've been married awhile, it's no reason to be inconsiderate or think I'm going to accept anything nhe might happen to throw my way. I'm not the family dog, I'm his wife, who he is supposed to cherish...
He knows I'm quite the catch, so he better treat me that way.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well, Preso, we're all colored by our upbringing. Mine was different than most, maybe. 

My brothers and I used to go "shopping". Our mom never asked why we always seemed to have food. Either she didn't want to hear the truth or didn't want to know we lied about it. We survived. That's what counted at the time. 

I would never think of disrespecting my SO (and never have!)! But I'd never have made that offer, either. I'd've offered a whole burger unless I knew she'd take the broken one. I'd rather have eaten it myself. I'd've appreciated it all the more.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

preso said:


> he learned, he better not start taking me for granted, because
> I'm watching him and his actions.
> Now that we've been married awhile, it's no reason to be inconsiderate or think I'm going to accept anything nhe might happen to throw my way. I'm not the family dog, I'm his wife, who he is supposed to cherish...
> He knows I'm quite the catch, so he better treat me that way.


I guess my perspective is that you were not one half notch above the family dog in The Incident of the Broken Hamburger.

I want to ask you though, just how do you treat your husband?

Do you wait on him in this same style you insist upon?


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

This thread is loads of free entertainment. I need to make some popcorn before I check it tomorrow.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

y'know, i remember where my marital problems started...it was the half-full glass of milk...


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

an extraordinarily beautiful woman once confided in me she left her husband because he offered her a 'broken' potato chip.

i've since never looked at a bag of chips the same way.

i've also not looked at an extraordinarily beautiful woman the same way.

sigh


----------



## mlc6633 (Jun 10, 2009)

I would have done the same thing with the burgers!!! I exspect the best out of the relationship! Not only with my food but with him also!


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Oh for heaven's sake people. It's obvious that he's henpecked. And she is crowing about it. 

I don't see anything in here that shows there is a parity of emotions, or maturity for that matter. 

Thus ends the eggselent lesson of the chickens.


----------



## studlyc (Jun 10, 2009)

preso said:


> he learned, he better not start taking me for granted, because
> I'm watching him and his actions.
> Now that we've been married awhile, it's no reason to be inconsiderate or think I'm going to accept anything nhe might happen to throw my way. I'm not the family dog, I'm his wife, who he is supposed to cherish...
> He knows I'm quite the catch, so he better treat me that way.


Wow sounds like you'd be fun to be married with....


----------



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Wow, my ex might have lied to me and had some addiction issues, but he would NEVER give me a broken hamburger... it's good to see how bad some people really have it... makes me grateful for what I have


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Lmao!


----------



## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

I would be happy if my H offered me anything.. ANYTHING. 

If he offered me a broken burger I think I would fall over and die from shock that he thought of me at all....


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

mlc6633 said:


> I would have done the same thing with the burgers!!! I exspect the best out of the relationship! Not only with my food but with him also!


according to the laws of nature, that is what we shall get too...


in life, people tend to get what they ask for...
which in some cases can be a very bad thing, depending on who is doing the asking. As they say, be careful what you ask for, you just may get it !
:lol:


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

preso said:


> according to the laws of nature, that is what we shall get too...
> 
> 
> in life, people tend to get what they ask for...
> ...


OK, so do you treat your H in the same manner you insist upon being treated?


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

michzz said:


> OK, so do you treat your H in the same manner you insist upon being treated?


well of course.

thats a silly question !!! :rofl:


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Not silly, you never addressed it, even avoided answering earlier.

It's a kind of a game to you.

You want cheese with that?


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

michzz said:


> Not silly, you never addressed it, even avoided answering earlier.
> 
> It's a kind of a game to you.
> 
> You want cheese with that?


Maybe you just don't understand the concept as its a little deeper than superficial... and its symbolic. Some people are just not deep and have no concept of those things.
You should just ignore what you don't understand about the broken hamburger... because its not about the hamburger.

and I am not here to explain it if you dont understand...
your judging me on things you don't understand, just let me say...
I have already moved on from it


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

preso said:


> Maybe you just don't understand the concept as its a little deeper than superficial... and its symbolic. Some people are just not deep and have no concept of those things.
> You should just ignore what you don't understand about the broken hamburger... because its not about the hamburger.
> 
> and I am not here to explain it if you dont understand...
> ...


maybe its just ridiculous symbolism.

make sure you tell your burger-bearing spouse you've moved on from it. sure hate to see you use it against him down the road.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

voivod said:


> maybe its just ridiculous symbolism.
> 
> make sure you tell your burger-bearing spouse you've moved on from it. sure hate to see you use it against him down the road.


I meant I moved on from judgement of those on this forum who are so very superficial they cannot understand the concept.
I am no lost naive babe in the woods when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I have been involved with men romantically since I was 15... so that makes 35 years.
I know when to reject so called "gifts"...
and 
my husband got the point as he is no naive, shallow man-child.

It should not suprise me so many do not understand the broken hamburger. I guess you have to be a little emotionally mature and a little more than shallow to understand what it means...
but those who know what it means... ahhhh
we know what the broken hamburger incident was all about.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

preso said:


> Maybe you just don't understand the concept as its a little deeper than superficial... and its symbolic. Some people are just not deep and have no concept of those things.
> You should just ignore what you don't understand about the broken hamburger... because its not about the hamburger.
> 
> and I am not here to explain it if you dont understand...
> ...


To paraphrase Freud "Sometimes a hamburger is just a hamburger"

Then again Freud was pretty superficial.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> an extraordinarily beautiful woman once confided in me she left her husband because he offered her a 'broken' potato chip.
> 
> i've since never looked at a bag of chips the same way.
> 
> ...


haha, RC. Well done. You got me laughing!


----------

