# Husband Called me "Thickheaded"



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Its been a couple of months since I posted on here because for the most part things were going really well. Until today. 

It has been raining, snowing, freezing and unfreezing here constantly where my husband and I live. SO of course it is very muddy outside. 

He went to town to get some more hay for our horses and when he came home decided that we could drive the truck through the gate and into our backyard to stack the hay. 

I disagreed because we have gotten the truck stuck there before and I saw no point in getting it stuck again. 

Needless to say according to him we "Had to try" on the first run he got stuck. Which left me in the back behind the truck getting mud spewed on me while trying to put boards underneath to help give the truck some traction. 

The fact is I knew without a doubt he would get stuck. SO of course, being me I said, "You should have listened to me"

This started a huge argument, mostly because I never get any points for being right, but get all the points when I am wrong. I simply wanted him to tell me I was right, yes I realize now how terrible that is but I never get the chance to be right. In his book he is ALWAYS right even when he is wrong. 

His sentence was, "Yeah we got stuck but we had to try" so its like sortiv saying I was right, but at the same time not because we had to try. 

Anyway, I tried to be very calm but my husband has this thing where he will say something over and over again like a kid until I shut up. 
This time it was, "You always do this, you always do this, you always do this" then I was on my "High horse" and finally he looked at me and said, "No wonder you're so F***ing thickheaded"

I looked up thickheaded in the dictionary, it means slow to understand. As in Dumb, idiot, and I do not like that at all. 

So I left him alone for a good hour hoping that would calm things down, it didn't. He started right back in the minute I asked him if he was going to make his stew, because I was having a nasty attitude according to him. When I started speaking he unmuted the tv and stopped listening. Which I later told him was rude. His reply, "Isn't nagging rude?" 

I feel this whole thing was really unfair towards me, I admit I was all gung ho to be right, but really it never happens! 1 out 100 times I will actually get credit for being right. 

Worst part, his friend, who he doesn't like had to come pull out his truck. He's all nice in front of her, but when she's gone its back to the nasty behavior. 

Help me understand what happened? Am I in the wrong? I do not believe in bowing down to your husband about everything, when I am right I am right. I have studied a lot about animals and horses and I have gotten a lot of vehicles stuck and had to pull them out with tractors. I am farm smart, just from walking around outside I knew trying to drive that truck through was a bad idea and it wasn't going to work. Am I wrong for wanting to save us the trouble of getting stuck and having to be pulled out of the mud? Or getting mud sprayed on me because I am pushing the truck from behind?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

You were not wrong. The proper solution here is to call one of his male buddies to help who will tell him what a bad move it was, listen to your wife next time


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Help me understand what happened? Am I in the wrong? I do not believe in bowing down to your husband about everything, when I am right I am right. I have studied a lot about animals and horses and I have gotten a lot of vehicles stuck and had to pull them out with tractors. I am farm smart, just from walking around outside I knew trying to drive that truck through was a bad idea and it wasn't going to work. Am I wrong for wanting to save us the trouble of getting stuck and having to be pulled out of the mud? Or getting mud sprayed on me because I am pushing the truck from behind?


Do you want to be right or judged by his ego as right? Think of it this way: Should you care that others disagree with you when you say that the sky is blue? You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You can only guarantee unhappiness by feeling that need. Let his ego by "right", and you just let the facts stand for themselves.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would suggest reading books in the self help section about how to get along with differing personalities. The more you know...


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

several thoughts come to mind when I read what you wrote.

ever hear the saying "win the battle, loose the war"? or sometimes when you WIN...you really LOOSE.

I think what you did was way out of line. when you cherish and love someone...you don't rub their nose in their mistakes.

but instead...good for you. you made your point. the trouble is...all you really did is erode your husbands feelings for you. keep it up and eventually he will be stripped away of all of them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He was upset because you were right and he was embarrassed. Then you make sure to rub it in by reminding him that you were right.

When stuff like that happens, I typically chuckle to myself. Why rub it in by saying "You should have listened to me"

You were right. He knew it and felt like an ass. Then you had to rub it in.

Of course he could have been a lot better about it. He could have chuckled and said "Yea you were right." But apparently he's not good at admitting when he's wrong, especially when he's just made a bit of a fool out of himself.

Why is this the kill both of you want to dye on? There is a lot more going on in your relationship that is not good if you two are going at each other like this.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, @EleGirl is right although it does gets stuck in the throat. Does he ever do anything afterwards that is an unspoken apology ?
What does he do that foster your personal growth ? I've read several of your threads and it seems like you married to be married and frankly you deserve better. I realize how one sided all the OPs who create a post can/are. Can you provide more general info about the dynamics of your lives and marriage?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

You're not wrong. My H has done similar things. I simply won't tolerate it. Even though he's not trying to be mean, I remind him that he doesn't talk that way to his colleagues, acquaintances, friends, etc. so why me? It's been said all over this forum time and time again: you teach people how to treat you.

However, you could have avoided this by not saying anything.

Still, there is no excuse for him using the F word when addressing his wife... or resorting to insults. You'll have to shut this down. Yes, of course, some people have different characters, tempers and upbringings but is that your problem? Would YOU say that to him? Probably not.

Try to avoid getting into these types of situations in the future, that way there'll be no such conflict.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He obviously doesn't deal well with being shown up as an idiot, so you might want to keep this in mind the next time he does something like that. 

1) You don't need to tell him you were right; that was extremely obvious. He knew it.
2) Next time he calls you thickheaded you should tell him that he's a f*ckwit. I'm pretty sure that won't help the situation, but it sure as hell will make you feel better, lol.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just thought I'd add that I grew up seeing this behaviour from my father towards my mother, so I don't actually know of any solution, but being the one who doesn't insult back didn't change a thing for her.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Husband Called me &quot;Thickheaded&quot;*

Your post reads like two little kids having an argument, sorry. 

I agree with EleGirl, and your post actually triggered me because my ex H WAS ALWAYS RIGHT. ALWAYS. Until he wasn't, then he'd be pissed for a day and never once say sorry or I was right. I didn't even need to be right, it just feels nice, you know? Especially because I'd always remark if he was correct..... 

Plus, he used to call me dumb... 

So I truly understand where you're coming from. However, you had the power to stop things from escalating.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

There has to be a history of resentment between the two of you for this to turn into a fight. In a good relationship when the truck got stuck your husband should have said "well this sucks but I tried" and when he told you to get out and push you would have said "screw that, your idea, you're pushing, I'll drive". Just another day on the farm.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You can be right or you can be happy. Take your pick.

You know you were right, it was proven you were right. You don't need to rub it in. You can celebrate quietly in your mind. There is nothing more annoying than a "I told you so". 

He was not calling you slow. He was just trying to say you don't listen well to him. Or that you are stubborn and think your way is the only way. Thats how most people use the term "thickheaded".

You want your marriage to be happy? Learn to choose your battle. Both of you don't have to be right or wrong. When someone is right and things are going well, it's a win for you both. Marriage is not a competition and it's not a list of who gets it right or not. It's about compromise and letting the other person be themselves. Making their own decisions and learning from them. All you need to do is to get his back. Have a friend on speed dial to call for help. Just give support even if he was wrong in decision. Next time he will do better.

Life is short. Spend your time together being happy. Instead of being mad at each other for the entire weekend. What a waste of a good weekend. Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The funny thing about the episode is that it was the husband who was being thickheaded. Got stuck there before, conditions are prime for getting stuck again. Yet, he still had to 'try'. He couldn't come up with a better solution so he used a known failure. Yep, thickheaded/stubborn. It will make for a funny story around the neighborhood, though.:grin2:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Cooper said:


> There has to be a history of resentment between the two of you for this to turn into a fight. In a good relationship when the truck got stuck your husband should have said "well this sucks but I tried" and when he told you to get out and push you would have said "screw that, your idea, you're pushing, I'll drive". Just another day on the farm.


This I where I have the problem. The first thought that went through my mind is why in the hell did he have HER behind the truck in the mud. This is the first thing out of balance. Kudo's to you for being willing to do that, but he should not have had you back there. 

In my world, I find that when my husband falls into the very thing I warned about, silence is the better option because he processes that all on his own. I don't "have" to say anything. Sometimes its ok to say... hey.. you know what, we would be spared this right now had you chosen to listen, but let's get us out of it and we'll know better next time. I do it from a bent of kindness... not resentment. Tone can be everything. If you are angry, that's ok. If some of the things he's doing are costing y'all time and money. It's ok to call someone on the carpet and say... hey.. knock it off. That truck could have been damaged by the choice he made. So there is a time and place to speak up. Just pay attention to the frequency and tone. Your husband doesn't want a porcupine. He wants a playmate and partner and if there is no play or partner he will trigger easy. It takes balance between voice and responsibility in how you use that voice. And though I don't like what he said to you and believe he could have chosen better words... take it as feedback that you need to back some pressure off and fix your approach when voicing yourself.

If you guys are struggling with his responsiveness to you, it may be time to head to a counselors office to get some help in that area. OR let him feel the full brunt of his choice by not helping him correct it. Whatever works to get him to consider your help if it is THAT out of balance where he is "never" listening to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I was rather impressed with your husband. 

Why? Well, with all of his severely crippling antisocial personality disorders that he labours under he was still able to use a two syllable word.

Sadly the expression he was groping for was: "I am sorry dear. You were right. I'll run a nice hot bath for you and massage your aching muscles."

But he missed by more than a mile.

By the way I was being sarcastic. The only thing about your husband that impresses me is his excellent choice in wife! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Why were you the one in the back getting mud spewed on you? Why wasn't he putting the boards under the truck wheels? What was he doing while you were doing this? Sitting in the cab? 

There is something wrong with that whole scenario I think. Being as farm smart as you are, you should have been driving and he should have been back there doing what you did.

Beside that, he doesn't sound like a very likable person anyway. Have you been married long? Are there children involved?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He sounds like my husband. He wouldn't trust me to drive the truck to get it out, as that requires the 'smarter' person, so as to do it 'right.'


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

I was also going to ask why SHE was pushing, but @Blossom Leigh beat me to it. Unless you're twice as strong as your husband, that's freakin ridiculous.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> He sounds like my husband. He wouldn't trust me to drive the truck to get it out, as that requires the 'smarter' person, so as to do it 'right.'


Yea, this boy has got some learning left to do for sure. It took my H a while to trust my intelligence. He is MUCH better at recognizing those times when he needs to listen to reasonable feedback. His go to if I did not agree with his premise was "you must not have understood what I said."

Noooo.... my disagreeing with you in no way means I misunderstood you. I fully understood you. I just don't agree with you. and here is the repetitive part.... "I just have my own opinion about it, and You did not marry a dumb woman."

Does two things.... gives him kudo's for choosing well while at the same time standing in the truth of who I am :nerd: That technique worked VERY well. He no longer says "you didn't understand me" and it spilled over to him learning to trust my thoughts in other areas. Big healing spot for us.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

@turnera I'd take "being thickheaded" as a compliment. You knew what was right, and stuck to your guns. You were thick headed cause you were right. Not a bad thing at all!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ol'Pal said:


> @turnera I'd take "being thickheaded" as a compliment. You knew what was right, and stuck to your guns. You were thick headed cause you were right. Not a bad thing at all!


Yep, ya gotta stand for something or you will fall for anything.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

toomuchlove87 said:


> The fact is I knew without a doubt he would get stuck. SO of course, being me I said, "You should have listened to me"
> 
> This started a huge argument, mostly because *I never get any points for being right*, but get all the points when I am wrong. *I simply wanted him to tell me I was right*, yes I realize now how terrible that is but I never get the chance to be right. In his book he is ALWAYS right even when he is wrong.


This is known as "right-fighting." Look it up. Right-fighting is a relationship KILLER.

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be alone? Because that's where right-fighting leads.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Sun Catcher said:


> *Why were you the one in the back getting mud spewed on you? Why wasn't he putting the boards under the truck wheels? What was he doing while you were doing this? Sitting in the cab? *
> 
> There is something wrong with that whole scenario I think. Being as farm smart as you are, you should have been driving and he should have been back there doing what you did.
> 
> Beside that, he doesn't sound like a very likable person anyway. Have you been married long? Are there children involved?


From another thread


toomuchlove87 said:


> He was in a car accident and it paralyzed his entire left side.. he is unable to have sex, urinate or defecate on his own.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If the problem involves motor vehicles, especially a truck, the man is right. Even if he's wrong. Same thing goes for most power tools and for all motorcycles. If he is wrong he will arrive at that obvious conclusion through an explosion, a fire, a traffic citation, an accident, or by driving 200 miles in the wrong direction. In your case, becoming stuck in the mud. Just due to the way testosterone works, admitting to a female partner that she was right is not a very likely immediate response from a man. If unsolicited, that will probably come later, most likely closer to bedtime when sex could be an option.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

From another thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by toomuchlove87 View Post
He was in a car accident and it paralyzed his entire left side.. he is unable to have sex, urinate or defecate on his own.
@Annie123. Thanks for the heads up, didn't see the other thread. 

Still stands though that he isn't very likable and with those kinds of problems from the accident he just may have serious anger issues. I sure hope OP isn't staying with him because of this. Just because he has those problems doesn't entitle him to be a d1ckhead.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

No, you were in the right, but marriage shouldn't be a competition. I used to have to explain why I was right, cuz, you know, I WAS RIGHT! My man is often right about decisions as well, but the difference was he never told me "I told you so!" It came to me one day that I would rather be happy, than be right. Honestly, most people know when they make a dumbass decision, so they don't need to be reminded of it. We learned just to support and help each other in most stupid things we each may do. It took me soooo long to learn this- to bite my tongue cuz I am quite outspoken, but if it won't matter in the long run, just let it go and work as a team. My opinion only and what's worked for me!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's very tempting to do an "I told you so -why didn't you listen to me!".. ..because our minds are sceaming "all this could have been so easily avoided!" while mud is being spattered all over you...

I'm sure I have done this to my husband on occasion -more so in the long past...I can't think of a specific instance ...but even then... had I been more "self aware" to the whole picture...it just isn't the right way to go...it's more like asking for a defense to be thrown back in our faces even... then it all just snow balls from there...

When someone is humble (in this case, silent, willing to help anyway) ... He already KNOWS well enough that he F'cked up.. he is eating crow ...his mood has already escalated ... the most calming thing to do is.. just help in the moment.. and hopefully then.. it allows the person to then admit.. " I should have listened to you"... and you can laugh about it later...

He almost sounds, from your words.. an impulsive man who always jumps ahead.. and you're both working your way out of some of these blunders though.. this would try any woman's patience ... I can sympathize there !


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> He was upset because you were right and he was embarrassed. Then you make sure to rub it in by reminding him that you were right.
> 
> When stuff like that happens, I typically chuckle to myself. Why rub it in by saying "You should have listened to me"
> 
> ...


Well said.
Men have an ego and we don't like looking foolish in front of our wives. Whether we are smarter or not, we like to think that we are. So let us have our delusions - no need to rub our faces in the mud.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nirvana said:


> Well said.
> Men have an ego and we don't like looking foolish in front of our wives. Whether we are smarter or not, we like to think that we are. So let us have our delusions - no need to rub our faces in the mud.


Very true. Are you aware that a man's top Emotional Needs are usually sex, recreation, and admiration? I get that you have resentments over the marriage, but if you're of a mind to KEEP the marriage, it will behoove you to remember that if you show him you don't admire him, your marriage will soon be swirling around the drain.

Work out your issues. But 'reminding' him that you're right won't get you anything. Won't even make YOU feel good in the long run.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This makes me think of a disagreement I had this morning with DH over nothing important, no tempers involved. He does the "I'm never wrong" on me, so I used it. Our disagreement ended like this:

Him: you are mistaken
Me: not possible, I'm never wrong
Him: ....
Me: it sux fighting with *you* doesn't it
Him: you won by using my methodology didn't you?
*both laugh*

It was amusing, but in reality when you use that methodology you are showing you only care about winning, not about resolving anything.


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