# Confused



## Taylor82 (11 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together since we were 16, we are now 29 and 30. As you can imagine our relationship has been a rollercoaster as weve grown and changed throughout the years. Before we got married, he cheated multiple times which has been a big set back for us but somehow we made it past that and truly became best friends. In July 2021 his step father passed away. My dad died when I was 15 so I knew how much he was hurting and have tried to support him and be there for him. He has had on and off issues with alcohol and cocaine abuse during our married years but had stopped prior to his step dad passing away. 
He began drinking a lot again after that, and the fights started too. My dad died from liver failure and was an alcoholic so I get very anxious when he starts drinking a lot because I love him and dont want to lose him the same way I lost my dad. Plus when he drinks he becomes very mean towards me. The alcohol and fighting pushed us so far apart.
I have tried to socially drink with him a few times, but he always turns it down. He will stay out till 7-8am drinking without so much as a text to let me know hes okay. He has been turning to other people for comfort and advice, specifically one female coworker of his.
I am a huge introvert and suffer from really bad social anxiety. I planned a big 30th surprise party for him. Lately he has been telling me that everyone hates me and no one wants to be around me. So when all of his friends and coworkers were hanging out drinking, I couldnt bring myself to go be around all of these people who "already dont like me" according to him. He got mad at me for not hanging out with everyone, but we did not fight. I fell asleep around 1am and woke up at 5am to him gone. I called and texted with nothing. Finally around 7am I got a text saying he went to drop off a friend. Around 930am he showed up with a car full of friends (2 girls, 2 guys). One of the girls being the coworker he has been confiding in so much recently. I got very upset and let him know, but we had another birthday party planned with his family that day so pushed past it for the time being. After the party with his family he was just so mean to me and kept pushing me away. Did not want to even discuss it when I tried to have a very calm convo with him. A few nights later we were arguing, he was drunk again, and he started hitting me in the back of my head. He threw me to the ground and I sprained my hamstring from the fall. He didnt care. A week or so later, drunk again, I hear him talking to the same female coworker about how hes just with me for the kids and he doesnt want them to have to go through their parents divorcing. I confronted him about how its not appropriate for a married man to be discussing our relationship with a non married woman at 1am and asked him to leave. Later found out he went to her apartment, her boyfriend was there too. I saw a he had sent her a message that said something along the lines of "youre so amazing honestly. Ive never had anyone care as much as you do" and I instantly became sick. 
A couple of days later and I mention the text to him. He laughs it off and says Im silly for thinking anything is going on with him and her and when I said I know something is, he said Im being stupid about it.

We have 2 beautiful kids. And I do love him. Am I being crazy or is there most definitely soemthing going on with this coworker?

Feeling like its just time to give up and divorce already. I dont know how we could ever come back from this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's flat-out abusive. I mean, you have social anxiety and then he's using that like a narcissist would as a weapon to further isolate you. 

What do you love about him????? He sounds perfectly awful. And he'll only get worse.

There are people you can love but shouldn't live with because it's destructive. Be a model for your kids and get out. Not okay to show them him staying out all night is okay or being a mean drunk is okay. Show them there's consequences if they behave that way.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't know what is going on with his female coworker, but it appears to me that he is cheating with someone or many women.

There are no boundaries in your marriage. He walks all over you and, from what you've said, he always has. I recommend you read the book _What Makes Love Last_, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. This book will show you what a marriage is supposed to be like and what destroys it. It will hopefully also show you that the way your husband is treating you is the problem.

You can't fix him. He is an alcoholic, cheater, and abuser. If he ever does anything physically violent again, call 911 and get him out of there, then get a restraining order. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will.

I know it's terribly difficult. The way he talks to you to make you feel bad about who you are and to think it's your fault that he is behaving this way, but that's him manipulating you. He is an unloving, dangerous man. You didn't cause that. He did.

Please, you are so young and your children are still young. Get out. Run from this evil.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Regardless of whether he is cheating, he is violently and emotionally abusive. I would have left after the first time he used his fists. If you stay the children will think this is normal behaviour.


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