# Help me accept the unchangeable?



## justthefiance (Jan 12, 2012)

My fiance and I have been together since only a few months after he left his ex wife. (Yes I know...I will forever be the "witch") They have been divorced for over a year now, and though everything between us is great in every other way...when it comes to his ex...things are just well... crappy.
She calls, texts emails or IM's him every day anywhere from 10 -100 times a day. She refuses to allow me to attend any function of their child's ballet, sports, school or pagent events... and I (as a mother) stayed away to try to be understanding, but we are planning to be married and I dont want to live with this woman bombarding our lives FOREVER. And their daughter ASKS me to come to events for her. I feel like a ogre saying I cant.
I reached out and sent her an email several months ago attempting to tell her that I respected her as the child's mother and that I would never forget my place and try to over step...but she never responded and told my soon to be husband it hurt to much to read it.
Any other suggestions? I am going to lose the man I love if I dont find a way to make her back off ( just a little) and let us be happy.
I am a mom myself, so I understand they will always communicate and am a step child myself so I know the value of the step and parent getting along....what do i do now?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Did he leave his wife for you? 

I think you need to be prepared to marry him as a package deal. His wife has little incentive to change to suit you so if you marry, plan on having two additional people in the marriage. 

You fiancé may feel guilty for hurting his ex wife and abandoning his child. He is likely to let his ex run the show because of his guilt. If you hound him about this, you are going to be the loser. Ex wives and step kids are reasons 2nd marriages fail more frequently than 1st marriages. 

If you adapt an attitude of acceptance of your SO and adapt a hands off with his ex, things may go better. He is between a rock and a hard place, if you are a source of stress along with the ex, you are going to get what the ex got - he will leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justthefiance (Jan 12, 2012)

No he didnt though it seemed that way to her because we had been friends for many years before then and got together so quickly.
I respect that SHE doesnt care to keep from ruining OUR relationship, but how much "communication" should i take...it is really excessive!
I have already adopted a "hands off" in attempt to limit drama....so i guess that is it..i stay miserable or he leaves.


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## justthefiance (Jan 12, 2012)

The terrible thing is...he is truly a wonderful man. I love him fiercly and have jumped through hoop after hoop, as has he. And my kids LOVE him. And his daughter loves me as well. I WANT it to work...but i cant stay miserable because she cant let go of a man who left her almost 2 years ago.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

There's nothing else YOU can do. HE has to do it. He will have to set boundaries as to how often and what times of the day she can contact him (unless there is an emergency of course), and he will have to let her know that you will be attending your step-daughter's events as his wife. 
If he's unwilling to do that I think you should delay marrying him. He has to put your feelings ahead of those of his EX-wife, or your marriage will suffer and you'll be miserable.


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## justthefiance (Jan 12, 2012)

thanks --both of you. I truly appreciate your guidance...and someone to talk to.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with Allin. You are unhappy and you need to take that up with your fiancé. You seem to be getting into a battle with his ex for his attention. Really has nothing to do with her but everything to do with your F being willing to make you happy. You have to be reasonable and give him time to slowly disengage. 

If you are unhappy now, it may get worse after marriage. Are you living with him? If not, living together will be a whole different set of issues. 

Don't make this a battle between you and the ex, you will ultimately lose that cat fight. You will drive him away to seek solace in another woman. If he does not make accommodations for you in his life, you may want to rethink things. The nature of his relationship with his wife will not change until he wants , not when you want. 

Were you having an emotional affair while married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He has to set boundaries with his ex.

But yea, this will be your life...as least in the short term. Sucks.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

It's a shame that your future husband's ex has to hold jealousies that will affect their kids.

It's a game I'd refuse to play, and if it were me, I'd probably just show up with my fiance since your future step daughter invited you.


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