# Is there such a thing as "acceptable duty sex"?



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Here is my definition of acceptable duty sex (from the point of view of the HD):

A sex life that consists of the LD's pleasant acceptance of initiations on a relatively frequent basis, followed by pleasant physicality. 

Note: Scheduled sex can qualify for this status.

Also, I agree with Wilson's description of the appropriate response by the HD:
*"And the HD's heartfelt appreciation and acceptance of a reasonable effort by the LD."*


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Ok, I'll go ahead and touch this third rail topic. 

Yes. I think there is. If it's sex given out of a spirit of love, and accepted as such.

Note: "Acceptable" doesn't necessarily mean "Ideal", but it also doesn't necessarily mean "bad" either.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

technovelist said:


> Here is my definition of *acceptable duty sex:*
> 
> A sex life that consists of the LD's pleasant acceptance of initiations on a relatively frequent basis, followed by pleasant physicality.
> 
> Note: Scheduled sex can qualify for this status.


*I absolutely hate "scheduled or orchestrated sex!" It's always seems like the poor old sexually deprived spouse is the one who's frantically and excitedly proclaiming, "Tonight's the night!"*


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I like what you have, but it's more of a reasonable expectation that a definition. "Duty sex" is sex which is done out of a sense of obligation. What you wrote is what both partners should strive to for a reasonable goal.

The HD person needs to realize that their partner likely won't become a sex machine. And the LD person needs to realize that sex is a necessary part of meeting their partner's needs. Too often, the HD person gets mad because their partner doesn't practice sex in the "right way" and the LD partner treats it as a disgusting chore. Both partners should realize that neither will truly get their way, so they need to find a successful compromise. What you wrote is likely that compromise. However, it seems to focus on the LD partner. You may want to add something about the HD as well. Perhaps:

A sex life that consists of the LD's pleasant acceptance of initiations on a relatively frequent basis, followed by pleasant physicality. *And the HD's heartfelt appreciation and acceptance of a reasonable effort by the LD*


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I absolutely hate "scheduled or orchestrated sex!" It's always seems like the poor old sexually deprived spouse is the one who's frantically and excitedly proclaiming, "Tonight's the night!"*


That's not how I've seen it work out. So long as the LD is going with the program, it's no more out of the ordinary than any other scheduled event (TV show, going out to dinner on a regular basis).


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

wilson said:


> I like what you have, but it's more of a reasonable expectation that a definition. "Duty sex" is sex which is done out of a sense of obligation. What you wrote is what both partners should strive to for a reasonable goal.
> 
> The HD person needs to realize that their partner likely won't become a sex machine. And the LD person needs to realize that sex is a necessary part of meeting their partner's needs. Too often, the HD person gets mad because their partner doesn't practice sex in the "right way" and the LD partner treats it as a disgusting chore. Both partners should realize that neither will truly get their way, so they need to find a successful compromise. What you wrote is likely that compromise. However, it seems to focus on the LD partner. You may want to add something about the HD as well. Perhaps:
> 
> A sex life that consists of the LD's pleasant acceptance of initiations on a relatively frequent basis, followed by pleasant physicality. *And the HD's heartfelt appreciation and acceptance of a reasonable effort by the LD*


Absolutely. I was writing from the perspective of the subset of LDs and HDs who seem to agree on only one thing: that there is no such thing as "acceptable duty sex". :scratchhead:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

technovelist said:


> Here is my definition of acceptable duty sex:
> 
> A sex life that consists of the LD's pleasant acceptance of initiations on a relatively frequent basis, followed by pleasant physicality.
> 
> Note: Scheduled sex can qualify for this status.


I struggled with this alot as my wife and I came out of a sex starved marriage. We had a lot of help from a sex therapist.

YES!

My wifes's ideal frequency of sex based on her libido is about once a week or twice every three weeks. Mine is about three times a week. Our sex therapist helped us compromise on twice a week. 

Sometimes my wife who really does love me and loves to pleasure me almost as much as I love to pleasure her, will give me the gift of her body. When she does this it is with love in her heart. She is not laying down, closing her eyes and thinking of England. She is actively wanting to arouse me and make me cum in her. She says it makes her feel like a real woman and a woman who is desired by her husband.

It is not a primal urge or lust driven thing on her part, but a heart/love driven thing. We call it making love, because I feel close to her afterwards and she feels like a sexual success and close to me.

I have had duty sex, during our SSM, it was no intimacy and get it over with quickly sex that did not bond or connect us.

I would also say that if you read MW Davis book, the Sex Starved Marriage, one of the things she repeats again and again is for the LD partner to just DO IT. The Nike slogan is used by her because sometimes LD women once they start the sex act, sometimes get aroused and find themselves half-way in really wanting to have sex. So duty sex can start out duty and end up something else. I have heard my wife say during our SSM, stop touching me there otherwise I will want to have sex with you. She was angry with me and did not want to have sex, and yet when properly arroused her body kicked in and she would want to have sex.

So for those ending an SSM, there may be a transition period in which the Nike slogan of JUST DO IT in the form of duty sex is acceptable.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes

This is perfectly healthy. 

It is the responsibility of the higher desire partner to make sure they aren't becoming a burden. 

The cliche is to ask afterward: Was that good for you? 

That is actually an odd question. If you are paying attention you should have a good idea whether or not it was. 

If it seems like it wasn't so good for your partner, better to:

I'm guessing that wasn't as fun for you as it was for me. What can I do to make it BETTER for you? 

Or

Am I doing anything that hurts or feels bad? 






technovelist said:


> Here is my definition of acceptable duty sex:
> 
> A sex life that consists of the LD's pleasant acceptance of initiations on a relatively frequent basis, followed by pleasant physicality.
> 
> Note: Scheduled sex can qualify for this status.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That bit in bold - it's not possible to overstate how important that is. 




wilson said:


> I like what you have, but it's more of a reasonable expectation that a definition. "Duty sex" is sex which is done out of a sense of obligation. What you wrote is what both partners should strive to for a reasonable goal.
> 
> The HD person needs to realize that their partner likely won't become a sex machine. And the LD person needs to realize that sex is a necessary part of meeting their partner's needs. Too often, the HD person gets mad because their partner doesn't practice sex in the "right way" and the LD partner treats it as a disgusting chore. Both partners should realize that neither will truly get their way, so they need to find a successful compromise. What you wrote is likely that compromise. However, it seems to focus on the LD partner. You may want to add something about the HD as well. Perhaps:
> 
> A sex life that consists of the LD's pleasant acceptance of initiations on a relatively frequent basis, followed by pleasant physicality. *And the HD's heartfelt appreciation and acceptance of a reasonable effort by the LD*


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *I absolutely hate "scheduled or orchestrated sex!" It's always seems like the poor old sexually deprived spouse is the one who's frantically and excitedly proclaiming, "Tonight's the night!"*


Before marriage, you would schedule a date with your girlfriend and sometimes both of you KNOW that sex is going to happen Friday night. You both looked forward to it all week.

What's the difference?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I think it would be ok.

In fact would have loved it with my sexless ex, but even duty sex was off the table.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I would have no problem with even once a month of sexual activity, with long foreplay and enjoyable and exciting for both of us. I think if I was the LD spouse, I would have no problem, even if I had to put on the best acting of my life, all smiles, groans, lots of touching etc., just to make my spouse feel very loved. Now, I couldn't do this every night and in my opinion that is a little much and will burn you out quickly, unless you two are that "hot" for each other?

Most duty sex that people refer to, me included, is the kind where it's like going to a job you dislike and you want the day over with quickly.

You can throw scheduled, right out the window. That is too much time for them to talk themselves out of it. With me, I've got it down to a fine art of when to try and have a 75-25% success rate, but that's when I try, which isn't much anymore? I've learned, if you don't try, your chance of heartbreak drops to near zero percent


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
For me, "duty" sex is fine if it is a freely given gift, not a resented chore. It needs to be done because they enjoy pleasing their partners, not because they feel the "have to". 

My wife sort of offered, but when I asked she said that it would be a "chore" she could do if I "really wanted". 

If she had said "I'd be happy to, its fun getting you all worked up", then it would have been fine.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> That bit in bold - it's not possible to overstate how important that is.


I would love this if I can get this, instead of hubby musing about what he wishes it can be....


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I absolutely hate "scheduled or orchestrated sex!" It's always seems like the poor old sexually deprived spouse is the one who's frantically and excitedly proclaiming, "Tonight's the night!"*


Completely agree, arb!

Sex should NOT be a "calendar" entry.

That takes away from the spontaneity, the urgent NEED to connect with your partner, the "feedback loop" of arousal and having those arousal needs satisfied.

Sex at 7pm on Tuesday night because IT'S ON THE CALENDAR??? Thanks, but no thanks. I think I will pass on that.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *I absolutely hate "scheduled or orchestrated sex!" It's always seems like the poor old sexually deprived spouse is the one who's frantically and excitedly proclaiming, "Tonight's the night!"*


And the other is saying, "tonight's the night. Let's get this over with."


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I think it's fine if it's given with real attention to your partners needs.

I keep comparing sex to listening. If your spouse wants to express herself to you and you won't focus on her, let her get it out and then really try to understand her point of view and support her in the way she needs to be supported, then you s-ck at listening.

In the same way, if your spouse wants to express himself to you physically and you say, no not here, no I won't do that, or just stare at the ceiling laying motionless then you s-ck at sex.

I firmly believe these two acts are two different ways of expressing the same connection. Some will value one more than the other but you need to understand and ACCEPT the value your spouse places on the act and try to meet his/her need in the way he/she needs it to be met (not in the way you think should be good enough).


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Completely agree, arb!
> 
> Sex should NOT be a "calendar" entry.
> 
> ...


So if it's the choice of:
1. Scheduled sex where the LD partner is pleasant and receptive, even though they wouldn't initiate and aren't aroused at first;
2. No sex.

You would pick #2? Ok, but why?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

technovelist said:


> So if it's the choice of:
> 1. Scheduled sex where the LD partner is pleasant and receptive, even though they wouldn't initiate and aren't aroused at first;
> 2. No sex.
> 
> You would pick #2? *Ok, but why?*


Because I tried option #1 on and off for 20 years with my LD husband. It was an epic fail. He was NOT "pleasant and receptive" as you assume. In fact, quite the opposite. Annoyed, dreading it, and definitely made his feelings known to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Because I tried option #1 on and off for 20 years with my LD husband. It was an epic fail. He was NOT "pleasant and receptive". In fact, quite the opposite. Annoyed, dreading it, and definitely made his feelings known to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you didn't have that choice. But let's say you DID have that choice: then what would you pick?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

If a wife was LD but gave her husband 'duty sex' because she knew it meant alot to him, it was how he bonded with her and it was good 'duty sex' that she got into too...then yes I think its OK...because she is doing it out of love for him.

However, if her attitude is one of 'Ok, come on...lets get it over with'....then I think the husband would be grateful because (forgive me) cumming in a vagina is far nicer than cumming in your hand or tissue! But....the husband will soon start losing interest, leading to resentment and disconnection. 
To the point that the husband will lose all interest in his wife, both sexually and emotionally....


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> Yes
> 
> This is perfectly healthy.
> 
> ...


Is the bolded a one way street/the responsibility of only one half of the marriage in a LD/HD situation?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

And from the male perspective, no self-respecting red-blooded male, at least in his heart, really enjoys "getting it on" with "a blow-up doll," when he can have a loving, caring, sexy woman sharing in on all of that loving, mutually satisfying sexual gratification with him!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Before marriage, you would schedule a date with your girlfriend and sometimes both of you KNOW that sex is going to happen Friday night. You both looked forward to it all week.
> 
> What's the difference?


*As one grows older, one usually becomes a lot more sexually mature, greatly to the point that spontaneous, unorchestrated sex with a loving, caring partner seems so much more desirable than impatiently marking days off of the calendar, hoping and waiting for the blessed event to finally materialize!*


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *As one grows older, one usually becomes a lot more sexually mature, greatly to the point that spontaneous, unorchestrated sex with a loving, caring partner seems so much more desirable than impatiently marking days off of the calendar, hoping and waiting for the blessed event to finally materialize!*


Yes, and winning the lottery is much better than having to go to a job you hate!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Altawa,

In theory - every aspect of a marriage is equal. 

In practice, it often turns out that most of the burden for any part of the marriage - falls on the person to whom it matters most. 

Perhaps my viewpoint can be summarized as:
1. It's pretty obvious at any given point in time how much your partner loves you and how much they desire you sexually. 
2. While those two things are related, they are distinct. 

I'll quantify a real world example as best I can:

On a 10 scale, throughout our marriage I've loved M2 anywhere from a 7 to a 10. Mostly it's a 9. Right now it's a 9+.

On a desire scale, it was a 10 for the first decade, a 9 for the second decade, maybe around a 7 now in our 25th year. 

The way M2 feels about me:
Her behavior and comments are very consistent with each other. She SAYS she loves me a lot, and SHOWS me the same. 

As for desire, I'd say it has varied from a 5 to an 8. The last couple of years have been about a 5. 

I could increase her physical desire for me by cranking up my T levels and displaying more:
- Edge
- Playful aggression 

And by reducing certain 'softy' type behaviors. 

But here's the thing. The HIGH T version of me is less patient, less kind, less understanding. More focused on winning than on collaboration. 

M2 is not as comfortable in my presence when I'm in HIGH T mode. Neither are the kids. 

That version of me earns more and gets laid more, but I DONT LIKE HIM AS MUCH. 






altawa said:


> Is the bolded a one way street/the responsibility of only one half of the marriage in a LD/HD situation?


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

Yes.

... but my wife is not willing to do anything at all. Sexual touching is the sign to get out of bed!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

technovelist said:


> Here is my definition of acceptable duty sex (from the point of view of the HD):
> 
> A sex life that consists of the LD's pleasant acceptance of initiations on a relatively frequent basis, followed by pleasant physicality.
> 
> ...



I can't stand duty and scheduled sex.

It makes me feel why I am even having sex with my wifee???

Feels more like a one nights stand with some woman I met at a party.

Cheaper to hire an escort that will rock your world too.

Your hubby or wifee should desire you emotionally, sexually, everything, because they love you and they married you.

You don't get married only because of the emotional love, that's a good friend and room mate. You get married because you also want them sexually and desire them.

I'll rub Mrs.CuddleBug's calves and feet when she is in bed sleeping. She gets angry and moves them away, stop that!!!

When I go to pat her on the bum, she slaps my hand away, stop that!!!

What happens down the road? I don't at all anymore.....

I've learned a lot here but I'm still trying to figure my LD wifee.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

So many people hate the idea, but i see nothing wrong with it if i am being honest.

Many times i have gone up to my husband while hes doing something and casually ( cant remember the exact words) Have scheduled sex with him, whats wrong with letting him know i have something planned for him that night .

Nothing wrong with planning ahead on occasion, not saying its ALWAYS like this, because its not, but i would be lying if we never planned it at all.

I am just saying cant see nothing wrong with scheduled sex.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

How's this?

LD's can schedule sex because they don't care for sex. But don't let your HD spouse know its scheduled sex.

So, LD decides its time for sex because its been a while.....don't tell the HD spouse, lets have sex 2 hours from now after this TV show. No, just take the HD spouse after the TV show is over and totally surprise them.



Here's another angle.

HD's can schedule emotional closeness and romance because they don't care for it much. But don't let your LD spouse knows its scheduled emotional closeness and romance.

So, HD decides its time for emotional closeness and romance because its been a while......don't tell the LD spouse, lets have emotional closeness and romance 2 hours from now after this TV show. No, just take the LD spouse afte the TV show is over and totally surprise them.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> I can't stand duty and scheduled sex.
> 
> It makes me feel why I am even having sex with my wifee???
> 
> ...


Ok, let's just start with... You don't refer to yourself as cuddle-bug, and her as "wifey" in her presence, right? 'Cause not to be mean but , it wouldn't turn ME on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

In my life? Nope. If you don't want it and are only doing it "for" me, no matter what spirit you're doing it in, it's a massive turn off.


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## UseItOrLoseIt (Apr 13, 2015)

Scheduled Sex only works if HD and LD agree. Then there is the couples that have sex one to three times a week, I would love that and be very happy. Try 1 or 2 times every three or four years. I have quit asking trying or even hoping. I still haven't cheated but each day I get a little closer to leaving and not ever looking back. So for those of you that get it more than I do just give a little more and listen because when you end up in my shoes your lives look great. By the way I tried my own advise, sometimes it just doesn't work.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Lay back and think of England.


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