# I'm 23 years old, newlywed, and sad. :(



## bellemcc (Jan 7, 2010)

I've always been a very confident woman, always smiling and happy to be me. 3 years ago I met my husband after going through a bad breakup with a longtime boyfriend. A little over a year after my husband and I met, I moved in with him. When we started dating, we were madly in love and I gave up A LOT to be with him (long story). Everything was great, he was always very sweet and a great company. 

A couple months before our wedding though, things began to change. His family turned out to be really weird, his sister-in-law a super b * tch who didn't even come to the wedding, and his parents ultra-cheap. His sister in law has said nasty things to me in a couple occasions, but he never defends me or questions his family. I don't want him to argue with them, but I need him to stand up for me. I feel overwhelmed by anxiety whenever I am going to visit them and it shouldn't be this way. 

On top of this, he trash talks all my friends, who on the other hand, keep telling me I deserve better. Sex life is good, he always wants to do it, but I am so hurt that now he has to convince me to do it (WHICH IS REALLY UNUSUAL TO ME). He is not a very ambitious person and I am constantly studying, making plans for after grad-school, and thinking about my future. Also, He is not much of a talker at all and I feel lonely many times. He can be very quiet and come off as being very rude because of that. Everytime we go out with my friends I get really nervous that he is going to be antisocial or something. It is really weird and it hurts me. 

I have always been very confident about the way I look and that's something he always admired. I now feel insecure. I was NEVER one of these girls who have arguments all the time with any of my previous boyfriends. 

I have tried talking to him before, but I am afraid that is just the way he is. I am sad and I feel trapped. We just got married and I am unhappy. I think he is a good person, but we have very different personalities and ambitions and I don't see this relationship working in the long run. Is this just a stage or is this for real? I have no one to talk to and I feel like I am getting depressed. I am 23 years old and I am so sad  Can someone help me?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It was a stage for me in my marriage. i met my H when i was 23 (i think), got married when i was 25. im almost 28 now. Ive had problems with friends and problems with in-laws. ive gone through similar things with my h. In fact, im working on being social again. my H is the same as yours; he's really antisocial. he used to make fun of my friends, too. hes really quiet and i feel so awkward around other people when im with him. so i havent been social for a long time. 

what did you give up to be with him? i gave up a lot to be with my H, too. it lead to a lot of resentment on my part. especially because after awhile i realized my H would not have give up the same things for me. im working on getting over my resentment. 

and my H didnt used to talk much at all either. in the last year (we've been together 4 years) he's really started to open up. it takes a lot of time. he went to counseling (he has a bit of a temper) and we've also done some boundary books together. it was doing the boundary books that really helped him open up.


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## bellemcc (Jan 7, 2010)

Blanca said:


> It was a stage for me in my marriage. i met my H when i was 23 (i think), got married when i was 25. im almost 28 now. Ive had problems with friends and problems with in-laws. ive gone through similar things with my h. In fact, im working on being social again. my H is the same as yours; he's really antisocial. he used to make fun of my friends, too. hes really quiet and i feel so awkward around other people when im with him. so i havent been social for a long time.
> 
> what did you give up to be with him? i gave up a lot to be with my H, too. it lead to a lot of resentment on my part. especially because after awhile i realized my H would not have give up the same things for me. im working on getting over my resentment.
> 
> and my H didnt used to talk much at all either. in the last year (we've been together 4 years) he's really started to open up. it takes a lot of time. he went to counseling (he has a bit of a temper) and we've also done some boundary books together. it was doing the boundary books that really helped him open up.


He did the boundary books too when we were dating. I think it is just the way he is, his family is like that too, super antisocial and rude. 
I gave up being close to my family and friends since we live so far from them now. I also and having a more comfortable life (we live in a very nice town house now but there is a lot of struggle to keep things the way they are since I am still at school). I now have to work part time in addition to working in a non-paid internship (part time as well), and going to school full time. I wake up at 7am and get home at 9, 10, every day so I am always exhausted. He wakes up at 9 and gets home at 6. I wish he went back to school, his parents (who are the cheapest people ever) offered to pay for his MBA and he DOES NOT DO IT... and I am here struggling to figure out how I will going to pay for my MBA.. he just wasted all opportunities he had in life (like going to a very good school in an athlete scholarship and not having to work during school) and we are just SOOO different. I feel like he is counting on me to make a lot of money and help him sustain his lifestyle. He's counting on my hard work and good grades and I feel betrayed and taken advantage of.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Have you expressed any of this to him? In a serious conversation? When my wife was resenting some of the things I did, I didn't even realize what I was doing. Once we sat down and started to really talk about it, going to a counselor as well, I began looking at what I was doing differently.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

bellemcc said:


> I now have to work part time in addition to working in a non-paid internship (part time as well), and going to school full time. I wake up at 7am and get home at 9, 10, every day so I am always exhausted.


I understand you there. i now have to commute to school, take a community bus, and i really hate it. i also get up early, get home late. and community transportation sucks. before i moved with my H, i had a fun life. i worked and then hung out with friends in the evening. my life is not fun anymore. its work.

But be careful about what you _have_ to do. you dont have to anything. you are choosing to do what you are doing. this is something ive really struggled with. i hated my life and that hate carried over to my H. now i realize that i chose this life, it was dumb, but i chose it and continue to chose it. If i had it to do over i would never have moved with my H. 

any pressure you feel to get good grades (believe me i feel it too) and pay for his lifestyle are pressures you put on yourself. in the boundary book i read, this idea was really clarified for me. at the heart of this pressure you feel is a fear of some sorts; fear of disappointing, fear of losing love, fear of something. Your H is not holding you down, making you do any of this. He's not the reason you are miserable. 



bellemcc said:


> I feel like he is counting on me to make a lot of money and help him sustain his lifestyle. He's counting on my hard work and good grades and I feel betrayed and taken advantage of.


Part of my journey in my marriage was having my H fall off his pedestal. turns out he's only human after all. Your H has his flaws. everyone does. 

what kind of work does your H do?

These are issues ive also worked through, and i hope you dont give up. you'll have to work through your resentments, but with some work you can. i dont hate my H anymore, i dont hold him accountable for my life or my happiness, and i see him as any person with faults. It took me a long time, a lot of fighting, and a lot of self-evaluating. what you are really unhappy with is yourself, and your life. you can change that. it takes time, frustration, and patience, but getting rid of your H is not the answer.


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## bellemcc (Jan 7, 2010)

Dryden said:


> Have you expressed any of this to him? In a serious conversation? When my wife was resenting some of the things I did, I didn't even realize what I was doing. Once we sat down and started to really talk about it, going to a counselor as well, I began looking at what I was doing differently.


I did. He always says I am right, he needs to change, but he doesn't. I think we need to go to a counselor. I don't know, maybe the problem is just that we are too different. And he doesn't understand, but I feel lonely and I've always been a social butterfly, smiling, talking to everyone, and happy. Maybe I'm just depressed??


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

It was similar with my wife. It took me really wanting to change, not just for her, but because it would make me a better person too. Counseling definitely helped. Especially when he made us play role reversal, where I got to respond how I felt my wife did and she did likewise. It was a bit of an eye opener to be in the others shoes.

As for being depressed. How long have the feelings of sadness been there? Also, did you switch or start any medications around the same time?


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## bellemcc (Jan 7, 2010)

Thank you so much for your support, guys. I took the first step and called a therapist. I will talk to my husband tonight. I still feel pretty crappy but it makes me feel a little better to know that other people go though the same issues and can still find happiness in their marriage. I know I will do everything I can to make this work because I love him so much. 

Mrs. Levine, your blog entry (Letting Go) made me cry (I've been waay to sensitive) but every single thing in that entry is true. Thank you


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## bellemcc (Jan 7, 2010)

Dryden said:


> It was similar with my wife. It took me really wanting to change, not just for her, but because it would make me a better person too. Counseling definitely helped. Especially when he made us play role reversal, where I got to respond how I felt my wife did and she did likewise. It was a bit of an eye opener to be in the others shoes.
> 
> As for being depressed. How long have the feelings of sadness been there? Also, did you switch or start any medications around the same time?


The feelings have been here for a while. I have always been a very happy and positive person until last year. A lot of changes happened in my life and that's when the sadness started. School has been overwhelming along with the internship and that's when all started. I am very responsible and I have been doing extremely well in my professional life. My personal life is the problem. I work too much and I want to get home and have a loving husband to make me company instead of watching TV all night... 
PS.: I am not on any medication (just birth control)


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

bellemcc said:


> I am not on any medication (just birth control)


Have you been on the BC for a while? My wife just started a different kind of pill about 4-5mths ago and she's been feeling pretty depressed and sad for the past 3-4mths. We strongly think that it's her BC pill (All of them can have a side effect of depression and hers is the strongest progestin on the market). She'll be switching up the pill as soon as possible to a different brand.

Just a thought. Although the situation with work, school etc. can certainly have a large impact too!

Getting some counseling is an excellent step! Feel it out for a few sessions, but don't be afraid to change to a different counselor/therapist if you find that your current one isn't really helping. Our first one was ok, but the second one was like Magic!


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