# So unsure



## Kayfaith (Mar 2, 2018)

We’ve been married for 4 years and have two little ones. Verbally we’re good, he says he loves me and makes promises but he never keeps them. We went to counseling together to help him understand my anxiety /post partum depression the therapist gave him a few small exercises such as asking how my day is and if there is anything I wanted to get done that I didn’t. This lasted two days and he just stopped. I receive no help whatsoever with housework. Not even the minimal put your clothes in the hamper and rinse dishes. He is a pathological liar and has lied about looking at porn (it’s not the porn that’s the issue, it’.) He has no sense of saving and I create a budget he will blow right through it, $54 in two weeks on Mt. Dew. I slipped on a book with our youngest and was supposed to be off of my feet, he cleaned one day and let the house build up to the point I could no longer rest and was forced to use my foot. I love him but I’m also loyal to a fault and won’t give up even if it’s destroying me. I guess I’m just venting, I don’t know what to do anymore and was wondering if anyone out there had a similar situation. I truly feel that actions speak louder than words and all he says are empty words. He’s heard this all before...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Stop cleaning and cooking for him.Look after yourself and the children and he will soon get the message that he doesn’t have a maid.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Be loyal to yourself and your child! Loyalty does not require you to accept abuse to you and your child.

I don't see how you can stay with a pathological liar. If he is indeed one, it seems to me you and your child are going to suffer. Everyone would be better off if you divorced.

The way to deal with bad behavior is boundaries. The nuclear boundary is "I cannot remain in a relationship with a liar". A lesser boundary might be "I won't do chores for someone who does not do their share also".

Did you ever tell him that you are losing the ability to love him or to stay in the relationship? If he knows how serious things are for you and yet he doesn't make changes, he is choosing the consequences.

Note that you don't have to hate someone to leave the relationship. He can have many good attributes, but the bad things can override the good. You can care about him yet not be able to remain in a marriage with him.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm sorry, Kayfaith, it sounds like you married a man-boy: a boy in a man's body.

He is not behaving like a man, a father, a protector. He is not going to change unless he sees that he needs to.

Like Thor says, you will need to tell him your boundaries. First you need to figure out what your boundaries are, what you are willing to live with in a marriage

You are right about actions speaking louder than words. What are you willing to do if his actions don't meet his words? How many chances does he get? Has he used them up already?

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. If you are willing to walk away from his abuses, and he knows it by YOUR actions he might begin to take a serious look at himself. You will need to follow through, like not threatening divorce, but going to the courthouse to get a copy of the papers and start filling them out, discussing child custody, etc. That will prove to him that you are serious. Hold onto them after you have filled them out and if he backslides, file them.


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