# Help with feelings over seperation



## Screwedup (Apr 14, 2012)

I have always been a man who never talked about problems, never asked for help and just suffered in silence and tried to deal with it on my own. But I certainly need help now.

my wife has decided to leave me to pursue a career that takes her away up country and she wants to be on her own and have her freedom. We have no children and I have never stopped her or made it difficult for her to do this anyway. Our problems are minor and easily resolved with little effort from us both, boiling down to a simple rut and a boring routine, taking each other for granted type stuff. But she wont give me a chance to get things back on track and happy again. I get the old "its not you, its me" bs. She does not want me to uproot my life so she can pursue her career, she knows I love where I live and both our families are here. I have tried to win her back and failed.

The feelings I am experiencing are very painful, I sob uncontrollably over the simplest memory or looking through photographs or an object or momento. I am thinking about my failure as a husband all the time - somebody will be talking to me and I am just thinking "f**k off I'm not interested". My interests dont interest me, I have started to drink (never drink hardly at all ever in my life) I am not eating. In the space of a week I ate a tin of tuna, a packet of rice, an egg muffin and a gammon steak. I only gave in to that because my stomach started to become uncomfortable after 3 days without anything but water and coffee. All in all the worst experience of my life.

I am posting here because I have recently started becoming suicidal. My 40th birthday is next week. I havent told my family about our seperation, just a couple of close friends and so my feelings are nearly at boiling point. A long time ago I suffered from depression and went to a hotel room and took 90 paracetemols. Lay back, went to sleep and expected never to wake. That suicide attempt was lamely researched as 10 hours later I woke up to the maid banging on the door. I managed to keep this failure low key and my family never found out, just a few work colleagues. Anyway I used this experience to become stronger and had a happy life up until now. I dont think I have the strength to recover from an incident like this. I am considering hanging or strangulation, the only thing keeping the idea in check is fear of failure. I am not sure how long I can remain stable given the pain and lonleyness I am suffering, I really want to die.

I am sure many here will have gone through seperation so words of advice and so on would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ScrewedUp, I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering such severe pain. I strongly encourage you to see a doctor ASAP -- go to an ER if necessary -- to obtain meds that will take the edge off your depression for a few months. Being able to see things clearly and logically requires a calm mind. When human beings experience intense emotions, we all get a distorted perception of other peoples intentions and of our own self worth. 

That is especially obvious whenever we get really angry, at which time we absolutely know that we cannot trust our own judgement. That's why adults normally wait until they have time to cool down before taking action or making decisions.

I mention all this because, as long as you permit your emotional pain to go untreated, it will cloud your judgment and prevent you from thinking rationally. Such pain will do that to all of us. It therefore is important to seek pain relief so you can start thinking more clearly. As long as you keep running around like a wounded animal in great pain, you are at great risk of making a rash decision to harm yourself.

I suggest that, in addition to obtaining an anti-depressant, you also reach out to more people for support -- as you've already started doing with your friends and by coming here to the TAM forum. Specifically, I am suggesting that you continue sharing your experiences with us by providing more detail on what is going on in your marriage, e.g., how long you've been married and how things got to this point. 

I also am suggesting that you break the news with your family so they have an opportunity to help you through this terrible time. If there is any value in having close family members, NOW is the time to reach out to those folks, giving them an opportunity to prove their loyalty and love by supporting you. If you were to kill yourself without first giving them such an opportunity, they will be grievously hurt by your lack of trust in them. Take care, ScrewedUp. You are in my prayers.


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## pianist87 (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Your problems in marriage are greatly similar to mine in that my husband and I have no real issues, mostly just a boring routine/falling out of love type stuff that could be easily resolved. It sounds like your wife might be experiencing a mid life crisis; do you know if she has any emotional/mental issues?

I hope that you will make an appointment to see a counselor as soon as possible, this amount of pain cannot be dealt with on your own. Please stop drinking, relying on alcohol is a very bad idea and detrimental. Might I also suggest a solo vacation? Take a few days, get away from your city and everyone you know. Doesn't matter where it is, just get away to clear your head. After you've started counseling of course. 

It might also be a good idea to share this with your family. Whatever has been holding you back from doing so, it's time to tell them. They can be a great support system for you and getting it off your chest might make a world of difference. Good luck, you'll be in my prayers.


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## Screwedup (Apr 14, 2012)

pianist and uptown, thank you for your kind words and advice. To answer some questions...

My wife is 33 with no mental health trouble. We have been together for 12 years and married for nearly 10. we were meant to go to Disney to renew our vows this year. Since my earlier depression in my twenties I myself have had no mental health trouble - until now. I have been a happy soul for many years and always try and be the happy go lucky joker type. 

Regarding the drinking, it is very ironic that normally I would have criticised people for turning to drink as obviously it solves nothing. I know this so I would guess one reason for doing it would be a self destructive bent. I often wondered why people did it. Now I know.

After having said that, any kind of anti depressant medication is a big no no for me. I am not a cranky scientologist or anything, but I am against medication where its possible. Root cause needs to be addressed to solve the issue, unfortunately a tablet cannot tackle the root cause. Even a practical solution cannot tackle the root cause in this case even where the problems are more likely a lot simpler than the ones that other people may have to deal with.

As to my family, we are unfortunately distant, not close at all. My youngest brother has a wife who is bipolar. He has to deal with this kind of stuff as his daily routine and has to stay at home to look after her. she has attempted suicide many times before. She was a rape victim a long time ago and I think this has made her how she is today. I will of course tell my family, although I am too ashamed to tell them face to face that my wife has left me, so I am considering letters to my parents and step parents and possibly ask my mother to pass on the news to my brothers. It seems like I am a coward, but I am not sure I can deal with it in a face to face talk and retain any kind of composure. I feel like a total failure.

I have just returned home from work and the house is empty. no body to shout hello to and share my day and no welcoming, excited little dog to make a fuss of. Am I being overly sensitive? As I am 6'2" and over 16 stone and grizzly it feels like it. Today at work was a nightmare. My eyes were streaming for much of it, literally I cant remember a moment when I was not thinking of my wife and it was necessary to regain composure quickly before workmates noticed. Seems like I will burn out being like this all the time.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Screwedup said:


> I am against medication where its possible. Root cause needs to be addressed to solve the issue, unfortunately a tablet cannot tackle the root cause.


Yes, but you have to be able to clearly SEE the root cause before you are able to address it. As I said, strong emotional pain -- as you are suffering now -- will seriously distort your perception and cloud your judgment. Modern medicines are now available that will take the edge off that pain. 

Because they are not too strong, they will NOT put you into a hazy stupor. And they will NOT take away all the pain. So you will still feel a bit depressed. But you will be able to think much more clearly. For a guy who is contemplating suicide, this added clarity can make the difference between life and death. Make no mistake about it, ScrewedUp, depression can be deadly.


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## Screwedup (Apr 14, 2012)

Thanks for your comment Uptown, I still dont know if I can do the meds though. Fear of failure or something going wrong and injuring instead of killing is still keeping the feeling in check for now. I have done a test though and I can feel that unconciousness would come quickly. A continued lack of oxygen after this to the brain would do the work and free me.

I have reached out to a few more friends. I realise that although I was mentally tough during the recovery period after my first suicide attempt that there is no way I will survive this one on my own. I am thinking about her every waking moment. Nothing can distract me from reliving my failures and last night I felt as if my mind was about to explode. I went out last night to ease the burden a little. I met some new friends and kind of enjoyed myself although I kept slipping into little "zoneouts". It was kind of a geeks evening, playing a card game and we have decided to keep the meetings going every week in the pub so hopefully this will be successful and a small something to look forward to.

When I returned home things went back to crazy land. Looked through some photos which sent me off again and couldn't sleep for thinking about it. My head started physically hurting at one point. I started doing deep breathes and kept repeating calm down to try and settle my panic. Kind of helped a little.

There is no doubt that depression is deadly. I know. When I travelled downcountry to a beautiful town by the sea and booked a room to kill myself in, that was the moment I realised that everytime I passed someone by and saw sadness in their face, there was a chance that they to could have been depressed and thinking like me and that is a sad thought indeed.

I have thought about creating a blog and using it as a personal diary of day to day thoughts to help get it out. It might be a good tool for coping I don't know. The only thing about the talking I have done is that I am starting to feel like it is self pitying stuff. My problems are small compared to many other people in this world. At the same time I realise that each and everyones own personal anguish is of value. No one is insignificant. But these two thoughts are kind of battling each other in my mind. But that said, if I kept this in I think there is no doubt that I would be utterly destroyed.

A question for all who have suffered this : How long do the initial pains and obssessions go on for before your life starts to settle out?

Thanks for listening.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Screwedup said:


> How long do the initial pains and obssessions go on for before your life starts to settle out?


My understanding, ScrewedUp, is that this depends heavily on what it is that is causing your depression. If you are suffering only reactive depression (in response to losing your W), the general consensus seems to be that the duration of grief is porportional to the length of the marriage.

In my case, for example, it took two years before I even wanted to start dating again because I had been living with my exW 15 years. This is not to say, however, that I was utterly miserable -- as you are now -- for two years. That miserable period was shorter and I took a mild anti-depressant (Zoloft) to take the edge off for the first several months.

It is a whole different ball game, however, if your depression is caused wholly or in part by a body chemistry change. In that case, the severity and length are fully dependent on the chemical change in your body -- and whether you are wise enough to take medication to make up for the deficiency. Such depressions vary enormously from person to person when they are left untreated.


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## Screwedup (Apr 14, 2012)

Uptown - thank you for taking the time to respond to my dilemma, I want you to know I appreciate it. I know you continue to insist on medication, the thing is after my first attempt all those years ago I am rightly proud that I turned myself around by taking no meds, no professional help or counseling, just me and one friend to talk to about it. Practical solution is the better way.

Today I received a facebook message from a friend who has gone through seperation. She was very helpful to calm me today and I broke my taboo of not telling anyone about my suicide to her. I regretted it the moment I pressed send and straight away she asked if she could call me. I said yes and we had a long conversation about both our seperations and depressions. It was nice to be able to get a little emotional and talk feelings, she was in tears and asking if she needed to call someone to help me, I never meant to upset her so I promised I would call her if I ever got to the point of about to do it. the phone call was a great help. After I finished the conversation another facebook message popped up from another close old friend whose husband had an an affair and she is also now seperated and she was basically asking who wanted to look after her for an evening. I have not had the chance to speak to her properly for a while so I shot her a message and arranged to see her. I think a night of mutual support will be good.

I still intend to do the blog soon, but writing this stuff is helping. Sorry its not exciting stuff folks, but hey ho.

I think medication is off the table for sure. My weapon of choice will be talking more openly, socialising a bit more and a bottle of 10 year old single malt scotch. I dont drink cheap ****.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> after my first attempt all those years ago I am rightly proud that I turned myself around by taking no meds, no professional help or counseling


That's like being rightly proud that you were able to safely drive across country while drunk. It is foolish to deliberately handicap yourself -- not taking advantage of meds or professional advice -- simply to make the achievement more difficult.

More important, that added handicapping -- which may result in your death -- adds nothing to your luster. With or without the meds and advice, pulling yourself out of deep depression is a remarkable achievement -- one of which you should feel very proud.


> ...and a bottle of 10 year old single malt scotch.


Now, now, you are just taunting me. You know, as well as I, that the last thing a depressed man needs to be drinking is a depressant. But I do appreciate your humor.


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## Screwedup (Apr 14, 2012)

Yeah, thats the old me shining through.


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Dear Screwedup - I seperated almost 4 months ago. (Uptown gave v good advice to me then.) For the first 8 weeks I cried almost daily at some stage. There were days so bad that I just lay with my head on my 11 y/old daughter's lap while my 10 y/o held my tablets with a glass of water and my son cooked for the family. After about 12 /13 weeks I feel I am stronger. Yes I still have bad days - today was one of them -but no tears and I just feel a little sad. I do take 20mgs of anti d's which I was on before we split anyway. It takes the edge off the raw feelings. I am going to councelling tomorrow for the first time and I'm looking forward to it (obviously v crappy social life!!!) It's good to talk - something that doesn't come naturally to men sometimes so I do think it can be harder on you. Please don't be so mean to yourself - why on earth would you struggle thru this alone?? There aren't any medals at the end of it!!! I had to tell family (aunts etc) last week and they were so kind and followed it up after the f 2 f with a phone call to offer emotional support. (my mum lives with me too so break up was played out in front of her which wasn't easy!) Never did I think 2 weeks ago even that I would be able to tell them without crying - but every week I'm getting a bit stronger. I am making a list of thing to do that I'd never have tried if I was still in my comfort zone - ok I haven't done no1 - but I plan to! (I was 16 with h and married for 14 - he has moved 70 miles away and only sees 3 of the kids every 3rd wkend) He refuses to talk to me and will only text and had no contact whatsoever with kids unless it's his wkend - he has moved on 100%) In one way I guess we both weren't happy and at least he had the balls to do something about it! I didn't want my freedom but I'm sure not going to let the rest of my life go to waste altho my pace is still slow!! It's not good to rehash over all the stuff you can't change so just plan one positive and please be kind and gentle to yourself. (Blog great idea too)


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## Screwedup (Apr 14, 2012)

Willowfin, thank you for sharing your story with me, and of course I am sorry to hear your predicament. Everyone here can relate to everyones elses pain, which is why i thought i would make my post. Your husband may have taken action about your marriage but i think not talking was mean. I was speaking to a friend last night who is also recently seperated due to her husband cheating on her, she has a young son and is also on tablets and is starting a course of councilling. I hope it helps her but I think I managed to cheer her up last night at least a little we had a pizza and movie night.

You are of course right about men finding it harder to talk about their feelings. I am a big, mean looking guy also, so maybe a little bit extra hard as your expected not to be soft. Fortnately I do have several female friends so I find talking to them easier, its much harder to show an emotional side to another man. In person at least. The beauty of the internets anonymity allows me to talk freely without worry.

Uptown - I never purposely set out to make things harder for my recovery. I was scared people were going to find out. Hiding my failed attempt was the most worrying thing afterwards. My parents were angry when I and the hospital would not go into the details of it all. covering up was number 1 priority. Only 1 friend knew officially and an HR manager at my workplace (she ws lovely). The friend was moving away very shortly afterwards and she made me tell at least two other friends before she went. She said if I didn't she would. So I did this, it was never really talked about much after she went, kind of left open if I wanted to them I could. But I never did talk about it again to anyone else. Not sure about rumours and things, other people may have learned of it - I dont know. 

I recovered on my own. Being a person who suffers from confidence problems in some areas I have always been proud I pulled myself out of the mire, I dont think myself ever so slightly superior because I did it without help. Its just the way it was and I see it as something to bring my confidence in myself back up. I did it without help. Thats hard. Insane maybe, but i did it. I could not imagine keeping what I am going through now all to myself. That would most definately not have the same ending as my previous dillemma. My philosophy has generally been that the purpose or a purpose of life is to make yourself better in as many ways as you can - professionally, financially, spiritually. If a person can resolve his own problems without aid it is a big achievement. As you said anyone who pulls themselves out of depression and built a happy life with or without help has done something remarkable and should be very proud indeed.


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