# Wife and I can't agree on daycare / two working parents



## SteveDave

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, after dating for 4. Up until about a year into the marriage, we were both very much in agreement that we would want a "traditional" family- one spouse works while the other stays home to raise children.

Well, we are now at the point where we are ready to have children (specifically, she is- I have been ready since saying "I do"!), and she has completely changed her tune. She refuses to give up working. I was able to talk her down from a 5 day work week to a 3 day work week, but I'm afraid that still isn't enough for me. I'm very conservative and I feel that the best opportunity for the children will be to have a stay at home parent. Notice my use of "spouse" and "parent"- I'm not even saying she has to stay home! I keep telling her that if she could support the family, I would be happy to stay home. Her career is such that she currently doesn't have the credentials to advance far enough to support us, but a couple years of graduate school would allow her to earn a very nice living, which I've promised to support her 100% of the way through. 

Unfortunately, this is not good enough- she doesn't want a career, only a job. So she will earn barely enough to cover daycare, and I'll be forced to work as well. My income is enough to support the family currently, and after I finish law school (only a couple years left, going at night), we'll be very well off. The only thing is, I hate working! I do it because of what it means- I think of my wife and my future children, and I get pleasure knowing that my daily toil will provide a great life for them.

So, enough of my sob story. I'm just stuck, because I really oppose daycare/two working spouses if the money is there (which it is). I know this statement may sound insulting to those who come from a two working parents household, but I don't mean it to be. It's just my personal opinion of how I want our children raised. She was in complete agreement when we got married, but now she has about-faced. I love her, but I don't think I can bring children in to the world knowing they won't be getting the best life we can give them. I want them to be number 1 in both of our lives, not second, or even tied for first. I'm glad she has something in her life that she loves, but I just can't do kids and two working spouses.

Any thoughts? Has anybody faced a similar dilemma with some insights to share? I've searched quite a bit on the topic, but almost all the threads are "my wife wants to stay home".


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## 63Vino

Be more flexible... dont force her to lose what she wants or who she is to be stay at home mom. Accept that she may work.
Also bear in mind (but dont expect) many dont want to return to work after holding that bundle of joy in their hands. You are getting to decide what you will do... she deserves same. Compromise is key ... you never always will get what you expected.. that can be blessing, not curse. 

if your marriage is REALLY strong and its time to have a baby.. have a baby and allow the rest to happen. You cant plan it all out and anguish that it isnt going according to your master plan is recipe for disaster.


(man advise to man)


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## greeneyeddolphin

Some women can't stand to stay at home. Myself, I actually prefer it, if it's possible for me to do. I'm very oldfashioned in that I love being here for my kids, to help with homework, take care of the house and my family. But some women either don't enjoy it or need/want more. 

You need to loosen up on what you want a little. If she wants to work, forcing or demanding that she stay at home is not only going to make her resent you, but also make her resent the baby. She might feel she needs that adult interaction to make her a better mother and wife. She also might find, once she is pregnant, or once she gives birth, that she doesn't want to go back to work after all. Even though it had already been decided that I would stay at home, when I had to briefly return to work after I had my oldest (to avoid being forced to reimburse my employer for my paid maternity leave), it was the absolute hardest thing I ever did. 

Also, keep in mind that being in daycare or with a sitter is not the worst thing in the world. There are some aspects that can be really beneficial: the child's immune system can build immunity by being exposed to other people instead of cooped up in their own home, by being in the care of people other than just mom and dad they can be more easygoing and accept new people in their life a bit better, they get to spend time with other children their age. It is not depriving your children of the best life possible.


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## marcy*

atruckersgirl said:


> Some women can't stand to stay at home. Myself, I actually prefer it, if it's possible for me to do. I'm very oldfashioned in that I love being here for my kids, to help with homework, take care of the house and my family. But some women either don't enjoy it or need/want more.
> .


I'm one of them. I don't enjoy staying at home. The first year it's ok. Really I feel so bored, doing the same thing every day in the same environment with no one to talk to. 24 hour job, never ends, and is never paid. I felt always tired the first year after my daughter was born. 
Always you will feel like your husband is contributing more than you in the house, only because you don't bring money to the table. I hate that feeling.


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## turnera

My DD20 is one of the most amazing young women you'll ever meet - thoughtful, giving, avid reader, loves to learn, loves to socialize, just amazing. I give part of the credit to that to the fact that she's been in daycare since she was 18 months old. Daycare isn't what it used to be - it's pre-SCHOOL these days, and focuses on the school and socialization aspects. 

And in all the years I've written on forums, I've noticed that the women most likely to have affairs are housewives who have nothing else to fill their time.


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## SteveDave

Wow, I must say that I'm surprised. I expected at least a few stay at home moms to speak out in favor of raising the children without regular daycare, but it seems the consensus is that my opinion is the minority (at least among the 4 replies thus far).

My only concern is that it seems that the responses revolve around giving my wife what she wants, and treating my thoughts as unimportant (or even wrong). I guess I'm just confused- I'm not saying that she must stay at home, just that I need some compromise that would allow our children to be with a family member rather than a complete stranger during the formative years. We both grew up in a "traditional" family, and I want my children to experience the same ties to family, whether it be brother/sister, father/wife, or even grandparents.

I certainly don't want to get in to a debate over the use of daycare and its pros and cons. I'm just concerned that if my desires fall on deaf ears that I will be the one who feels "forced" into something in the marriage.

63Vino mentioned that if our marriage is "REALLY" strong that we should just go for it. Perhaps this situation is giving me second thoughts on my role in, and, therefore the strength of, the relationship? As bad as it sounds, I suppose that last sentence indicates the level to which I hold the traditional family. It's really quite important to me.

I guess I don't really pose any further questions, mostly just a comment.


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## greeneyeddolphin

It's not that your thoughts don't matter, or are wrong. It's that...ok, I love being home with my kids. I love taking care of the home, the bills, etc. and that feeling I get knowing that my boyfriend is busting his butt to provide for us. But, at the same time, it does get quite boring. Most of my friends work, so I don't really have anyone to hang out with during the day. 

If she stays home when she doesn't really want to, the boredom will get to her. Not to mention that being with a baby all day, which can't talk and carry on a conversation with her, but does demand all her time and attention, and cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, etc., it all builds up. All of those things will lead to her resenting both you and the baby. That resentment can lead to many different scenarios, including the two of you constantly fighting or even her having an affair. Now, I'm not saying that either of those would happen, those are at the extreme end of worst case scenario. 

If you have other options besides daycare for your child while she works, go for it. But you specifically mentioned daycare, which led me (and possibly the others) to think that your issue was specifically with daycare. 

Also, in regard to you feeling your thoughts didn't matter: In your original post, I see a lot of what I read to be about how you feel: what you can't do, what you think, how your wife is wrong in your view. I don't see anything about what she thinks, what she feels, what she can't do really. Marriage, and especially children, is about compromise. You can't always get exactly what you what. You have to learn to prioritize and decide what's most important. In this case, what's most important: getting your way and having a wife and children who might be absolutely miserable because she's not happy, or compromising and having a wife and children who are happy and healthy because she's doing what she wants?


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## turnera

SteveDave said:


> My only concern is that it seems that the responses revolve around giving my wife what she wants, and treating my thoughts as unimportant (or even wrong).


My only comment on that is that being a SAHM is a HUGE choice. a HUGE lifestyle change. Can you imagine being alone with kids 24/7 with no access to adult companionship? Maybe your wife can't, either.



> I guess I'm just confused- I'm not saying that she must stay at home, just that I need some compromise that would allow our children to be with a family member rather than a complete stranger during the formative years. We both grew up in a "traditional" family, and I want my children to experience the same ties to family, whether it be brother/sister, father/wife, or even grandparents.


Have you said this to her?



> I certainly don't want to get in to a debate over the use of daycare and its pros and cons. I'm just concerned that if my desires fall on deaf ears that I will be the one who feels "forced" into something in the marriage.


Very valid point. Which can only be addressed by communication.


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## Crypsys

With our first my wife tried to be a SAHM. She lasted about 12 weeks before she realized she just couldn't do it. She wanted to work and she felt totally useless being at home.

I am NOT saying a SAHP is useless at all! But, some people just aren't cut out to live that kind of life. There is nothing wrong with having your kids go to daycare and there is nothing wrong with being a SAHP. Your kids will be well balanced and feel loved both ways.


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## SteveDave

Just an update: we reached a compromise where she would work part time and our parents would help us on the days that she worked. My job pays a salary that is 4x as much as hers, so it didn't make sense for me to go part time.

Sadly, this wasn't enough for her. She divorced me because she absolutely required that our kids use daycare. I even offered a nanny 5 days per week so she could work full time, but it was her way or the highway. And highway she chose. Everything else in the relationship was fine, but $300 on legalzoom and the stroke of a pen and she was gone (of course, I offered to work it out through counseling and even just flat out giving her everything she desired while completely ignoring any of my wishes, but it wasn't enough). She was working until 9pm every night, weekends, and holidays, and any request to back it down was met with utter hostility. I guess some women just love their jobs above all else.


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## turnera

What a shame. Her kids won't even want her when they're grown.


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## LovesHerMan

Thank you for coming back with an update--few people bother to do this.

I am so sorry that you two got divorced, but I think that you will be better off finding a woman who shares your feelings about being a SAHM. It is very difficult to compromise on this issue, and any resulting resentment can destroy love in a marriage. 

Since your ex was so focused on her career, I bet the marriage would not have lasted anyway. You would have regretted giving her everything that she desired. That is the path to an unbalanced relationship where she would have lost respect for you, and you would wonder why you were not getting anything in return.


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## Hicks

Good update.
You should always stick to your values in life when it comes to decisions in your marriage. I don't want to debate daycare, but if you believe that the traditional family is best, then that's exactly what you should seek out and expect in life. Once you compromise your values, your wife will run all over you for the rest of your life. I'm glad that you stuck to what you believe in. A selfish person does not make a good mother.


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