# Mother in law situation



## goodlife1 (Mar 10, 2016)

Hello everyone, and hope its a great day for you all! I am here seeking advice regarding a situation. My husband wants to hire my mother in law as domestic help and future nanny, so that I can work full time and make money up to my potential. Now it would sound good to most, except that in the past my husband "hired" my mother in law as our personal grocery and household items shopper and paid her for the cost of items and her service. I was fine with it to begin with. But very soon, realized that hiring mother in law for household related needs gave her a ticket into judging our ways of running household, judging our day to day needs whether they sounded fair/reasonable to her judgment, and made her feel free to pile me with truck loads of advice without consideration to what else was going in my life, and expected me to comply with her advice. In my view, it became interfering with how I run things in my home. She didn't see herself as an "employee" who was only hired to get us the things we needed. It became a huge source of stress for me, because her being my husband's mother made it difficult to communicate with my husband how difficult it made things for me. We ended up having lots of arguments. I managed to somehow gradually take the reigns of my household needs back into my hands. But she continues to be a source of stress to me. We are in a relatively new marriage. However, my hubby used to spend almost whole weekends with her on a regular basis and then she would call him and ask him to dine with her on Monday as well, AND send truckloads of food back to last us a week! This happened on a regular basis. Now, I like to cook for my husband, run my own home, in nutshell I like to be the traditional wife who cares for his husband. But to me it seems like she wants to be his wife. She was just not letting me have a home with my husband, where I buy 
things for home, cook for him, spend weekends together and make our home as I dreamed.

Since then, I have also found that she never washes her hands before handling food. She handles dog and pretty much anything and then would touch food straight with her hands, I mean food otherwise cooked and ready for consumption. I don't mean touching spoons/forks, I mean touching the food itself. 

Frankly, I think hiring her to be our domestic help is a very dangerous proposition knowing that
1) Her sanitary habits are a little questionable. Seen her NOT wash hands after touching her dog and other stuff, multiple times. This dog has never been de-wormed or seen a vet in its life, & is currently diseased. 
2) Given her history (above), I am afraid it will give her a ticket to interfere in our home life like never before. Pass comments, expect us to do this and that, pile us with tons of unsolicited advice and expect us to comply on urgent basis (has done this before).
3) MOST IMPORTANT-- It will be really hard/ may be impossible to fire her from being our domestic help without hurting her and my husband's feelings. In nutshell, it seems like I would be inviting a huge source of stress by accepting her as my domestic help.

On the contrary, I am open to hiring somebody else as domestic help, work full time, make extra money and with that financially support my mother in law without using her services, with no hard feelings from my side.

What do you all think? How do I make my husband understand my concerns?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You just tell him no. Tell him you've hired someone, it's taken care of and he doesn't need to worry about it. 

You are the lady of the house, and as such have made an executive decision.

Do NOT allow your mother in law back into your house in that capacity.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell him no that it would worry you due to her age and lack of same hygiene practices. Hire someone your self. Is this all just a scheme to get your MIL some money? Because, when you have children you may not have the luxury of helping to support her. And, don't eat at her house.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your husband wants Mummy to run his life like she always has and he's looking for ways to make that happen.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Tell him to cut the d*mn apron strings! (Does she still cut the crusts off of his PB&J sammies?)

The whole thing sounds creepy and unhealthy. He is wrong for asking, and the MIL is wrong for even considering it. You will lose complete control of your own household if you allow this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodlife1 (Mar 10, 2016)

Thanks everybody for your replies! How do I tell my hubby to cut the apron strings without hurting feelings? He kind of allows this because he feels sorry about his mom not having any friends, having an unsatisfactory life, and no other offsprings to be involved with (my hubby is the only child). But, I still think being in 30s is high time to ask her to give her son , and us some space. 

Any advice on how to tell my hubby or mother in law to cut the apron strings and give us some space?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> It became a huge source of stress for me, because her being my husband's mother made it difficult to communicate with my husband how difficult it made things for me. We ended up having lots of arguments.


Remind him how having his mom as your "employee" before created a lot of arguments and stress between you and your H, and that you don't want to raise a child in a home where mom and dad are constantly fighting about grandma.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

goodlife1 said:


> Thanks everybody for your replies! How do I tell my hubby to cut the apron strings without hurting feelings? He kind of allows this because he feels sorry about his mom not having any friends, having an unsatisfactory life, and no other offsprings to be involved with (my hubby is the only child). But, I still think being in 30s is high time to ask her to give her son , and us some space.
> 
> Any advice on how to tell my hubby or mother in law to cut the apron strings and give us some space?


It sounds like he loves and cares for mom, and as an only child, he also feels responsible for her well-being. I can understand that with an aging parent. He probably worries about her a lot, and is stressed out thinking she's lonely and alone. If he's carrying that emotional load, it will be hard for him to back off.

The trick to making him feel ok about stepping back from his mother is if his mother is relatively content and active and not lonely. What are the chances of that happening? Does she do anything where she can meet friends? 

My SO's mom is a widow, and that woman never stops moving - she has church, charity projects, volunteers at the resale store, and she's hardly ever home. She is in better health than her peers, so she is the one who drives the other ladies to various events or doctors visits, she delivers food and supplies to home bound people, bakes up a storm for one event or another...

It sounds like your MIL isn't that kind of person now, but could there be something she might be interested in getting involved with? Maybe your H could help her think about something other than his family.


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## goodlife1 (Mar 10, 2016)

Thanks everyone for your replies. 

Norajane, my mother in law is in great shape, goes to gym 3 times a week, does kickboxing (LOL), wakes up at 5 am to go to work and works 6 days a week. It is just that she doesn't have any friends, and seems that she is not satisfied with her relationship with her hubby, and has no other offsprings, so all her spare time goes in excessive couponing and shopping and cooking 5 days meals for my poor hubby who is stuck between us. I would like to share a close bond with her, but her insistence on intruding into our married life makes it really hard for me. I am going to try and find meet up groups for her that she can enjoy being part of, but from experience I think she may not be very welcoming of me helping her on that front. In the past, she has been upset about me giving her any gifts.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe your husband can make the suggestions to her instead of you? That way she might be more receptive?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

goodlife1 said:


> I am going to try and find meet up groups for her that she can enjoy being part of, but from experience I think she may not be very welcoming of me helping her on that front. In the past, she has been upset about me giving her any gifts.


I wouldn't do that if I were you. That feels intrusive and controlling. I don't know if someone suggested that, but it's an awful idea.

The best thing for you is to treat her the way you would want to be treated. Be welcoming but not demanding, be open but not needy.

Ask your husband to keep your private lives private. The most important thing is not to share your marital problems with her EVER, and he must be on board with that.

The next thing is to talk to him about the fact that she is not an employee and she will never be able to be an employee. Handing her money to do stuff for him doesn't mean she will see it differently to when she did it for him as a child, therefore, she will continue to see him as a child. I would just be up front with him about it. If he wants dear old Mum to ever see him as more than a child, he has to stop turning to her and asking for her to treat him like one.


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