# Collect more evidence and confront her?



## inquiry (Sep 24, 2012)

Hi,

I posted a while back for advice on my failing marriage but now things have taken a sad turn.

I have always trusted my wife but friends pointed out that her recent behaviours pointed to an affair.

Extremely reluctantly I looked at her phone bills more to prove my friends wrong, but instead discovered a number that was being called and texted everyday. I checked her phone, almost nothing - so everything is being deleted which is odd since all her other conversations are not.

I confronted her, she says no. Even accuses me of trying to hang our failing marriage on this.

We're currently at crisis point in our marriage. She's fallen out of love with me and blames me. I want to work at it. She doesn't know what she wants but will stay because of the kids. 

It feels like I'm the only one who is trying to save our marriage and now this - it makes me feel very resentful so we are now going nowhere.

I could be wrong about the affair. I know it is a guy, I found one text which is sexually flirty. Make me feel sick.

Any thoughts...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is not working at the marriage. And is seeking outside thrills. Not good.

Why does she blame you?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Your friends are pointing things out equals - NOT GOOD. sorry

Phone bill stuff is also not good. Confront NOW !


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

As long here are 3rd persons involved trying to save the marriage is a waste of time and energy.


> Even accuses me of trying to hang our failing marriage on this.


This response is a HUGE red flag.
She's having at least an EA. Probably a PA.
I'm sorry man. She's cheating. Get out of this paralisis, denial state.

You confronted without solid evidence, the only way a cheater will admit wrongdoing is forcing them, facing them with the full acknowledge. So go low key, stop confronting her on this for now, keep doping what you are doing and gather evidence on her back. That's the way to catch a lier. Ans she's lying right? (Deleting those texts, likely with the same tone of the one you caught or worse)

Go to the end of it. Out yourself in PI mode. Put spyware on the phone, find out whether they comunicate also through email or chatting in social networks. Keylog the PC to find out. If they are calls to this number or another suspicious one take note of the hours and choose the rigth spot to hide a VAR.


I'm sorry man.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

inquiry said:


> We're currently at crisis point in our marriage. She's fallen out of love with me and blames me. I want to work at it. She doesn't know what she wants but will stay because of the kids.


She has fallen out of love with you because she is having an affair.

She blames you because she has fallen out of love with you because she is having an affair.

She doesn't know what she wants because it is just that. An affair.

If she truly didn't want you she would have left you. Or tried to fix it. But no, she wants the safety of you and the excitement of an affair. The only way to save this is to force her hand. Either she leaves or comes clean and fix the marriage. I am sure you have heard this before: if you want to save the marriage you have to be prepared to lose it. Genuinely.

If she wants you she will come back to the marriage in the full knowledge you won't tolerate her crap. If she doesn't want you, she will go. At least you will know either way. 

Force her hand. Show her you are no idiot or fool. And show her you are nobody's doormat. She will respect that. It is a win win situation. She stays, she knows the consequences and is less likely to risk again (make sure you deal with all issues and set boundaries). If she leaves, you know truly what she wants and you are free from the pain of limbo and can begin to rebuild your life.


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## inquiry (Sep 24, 2012)

She blames me for lots of things, some of which I am responsible but not all. I've confronted her but she denies anything is going on.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Red flag, red flag, red flag.

Start Nancy Drew mode immediately. 

Sorry you're here.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Fake for a while and snoop.
Your marriage is failing, your family is at risk.
There are red flags, your friends warns you. 
Priorize. Go to the end of it.


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## inquiry (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks good advice - can you put stuff on her phone to collect deleted texts?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Maybe that thread can help you. Ask what you need. If not, google.
anyone interested in evidence gathering thread?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

From this point on stop asking her if she's cheating or not. You really think she'll confess fcuking some douche to you? I doubt it.

Which phone is she using? On some you'll be able extract deleted call logs and text messages.

Does she use Facebook or other social media sites? Do you have access to her email account?

What is work schedule like? Are there any unaccounted for times?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would certainly put a VAR in her car. Very easy and inexpensive to do. 

Good luck
WD


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A VAR in her car for starters.

And stop confronting and stop offering to work on it. If she is cheating she's not going to admit it, and if there is another guy you words are falling in deaf ears.

I'd look at te phone bill and see when tar calls and texts happen, nf when they don't. From that you can begin making a planting catch their words and when to catch them.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Two rules. Don't confront until you have rock solid evidence. Never reveal your sources.

You violated both with the premature confrontation. So heed the advice the others have already given you. Go silent. Pretend to not be worried about an affair.

Nobody but she knows if she is really in any kind of affair. You say you know for a fact the number belongs to a man. Are you sure the user of the phone is him, or could he own the account and a woman use the phone? There are possible scenarios not involving an affair. It sounds like an affair of some kind, but don't jump off the cliff until you have good evidence.

VAR in her car. VAR in the house where she would make phone calls late at night or when you are not home. Keylog on the family computer to catch unknown email accounts, dating sites, instant messages, and other secret activity. If possible put spyware on her phone to log text messages. This one may be tricky because it might be difficult to make the app invisible. If you have the same model phone install the spyware on your own phone first to ensure you can do it quickly and invisibly.

Some women have an exit affair, where they want to leave the marriage but need an excuse. Most often I think it is the other way around, they want to keep the benefits of the marriage but they want the extras of the affair. Whatever is going on with your wife, make your efforts towards improving the marriage in general. If you discover evidence of an affair, come here first before confrontation to get the advice of those who have btdt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Others have given good advice about not confronting her until you have solid evidence. A cheater will only admit to what you have found.

Why did your friends tell you that she was having an affair? What do they know? Did they give you any information?

Inaddition to gathering info about what she is doing, get info on the guy. Do not talk to him. Leave him alone right now but find out his name, address, where he works, if he's married or in any committed relationship.

The way to end an affair is to gather your evidence, once you have solid evidence then confront her and give her a choice to either end the affair with no contact on the spot or she leaves... end of story.

Right now you might want to make light of your checking her cell. Just let her know that you believe her to put her mind at ease. You do not want to drive the affair underground.

There is a very good book you can read that will tell you a lot of what you need to do. It's a quick read. Just don't let her catch you reading it. 

"Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley.


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