# Please help - tips for having a difficult conversation



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

My biggest and most difficult to overcome trait is the need to not hurt anyone's feelings. In other words, I will avoid having difficult conversations like the plague. And if I get drawn into a difficult conversation, I will dance around the issue and avoid giving an answer. As a result, nothing gets settled and everyone gets dragged thru hell not knowing what's going on.

The latest example is telling my W straight up that I'm done with the marriage. The other example is telling the children.

Does anyone have any tips, thoughts, suggestions, anything to help me overcome this?

I hate it that I'm this way and it has created an incredible amount of tension and stress in our household as the W and I fight our way thru our marriage struggles.

Thanks!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Hey are you my husband? Ha.

I would suggest that the not knowing when, where, why or how is much more difficult than letting the "cat out of the bag." (on both sides of the equation)

I know my husband had something to say....he's like you not wanting to hurt feelings. However, my feeling were hurt anyway because he failed to tell me when things started to go wrong. He failed to tell me when he felt the marriage was over. He also failed to tell me when he felt he was "working" on the marriage by himself. You see I didn't know he was unhappy!!! He didn't express or say a word.

So.....now everyone knows something is wrong. The air needs to be cleared.

Do it in a nonconfrontational way. No "you never" just use "I" statements. They deserve the truth. Do it as loving as you can. Prepare for confrontation but remain as calm as possible.

The good news is that you realize your issue and are asking for advice. I am on the "other" side in LIMBO. I knew something was wrong but I was left guessing. My husband eventually told me, and felt immediately better for doing so.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Oh my this one hit home! I had no idea my wife was unhappy either Corpus. That is pretty tough to deal with.

D8zed, have you ever spoken with a counselor about this issue? It is impossible to work out problems with that behavior, and you will be well served going forward with or without your wife if you resolve this issue.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It is much better knowing than the unknown! (coming from the other side of the equation)...

All I have to say is keep it simple and truthful and be as loving as you can.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Well, I really don't see how this is going to be much of a conversation since you have made your mind up. You know you are leaving, and you are looking for a pleasant way to convey that to her. However, from what you've said, she is probably going to reacted badly and try to involve the children--regardless of how the message is delivered. Perhaps you could write a very nice letter to her. In that letter tell her that you'll be ready to discuss things when both of you have had time to adjust to the reality of the situation. I'm not sure how you should present the letter. Due to her explosive nature, I'm assuming you wouldn't want to be present when she reads it. Others may disagree, but it's a thought....


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

The weekend was interesting to say the least. Wife and I had an actual discussion on Saturday about the marriage. I told her it would require a 180 degree turn if it was to be salvaged. I won't go into details but by the end, it was pretty obvious it wasn't going to turn around.

On Sunday we had another conversation (initiated by her) about moving forward with the divorce. Again, it was a good discussion and she actually said she would prefer a mediated divorce which is what I was hoping for.

The next VERY difficult conversation is with S19 and D16. I dread it soooooo much and my heart aches when I think about it. If anyone has any experience with talking to the kids, I sure would like to hear it.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

About telling the kids. Last weekend we told my S(20) and D(14). My son's reaction was what he expected. He's sad but feels like there isn't much for him to do. My daughter cried for one hour after we told her. It wasn't extremely sad for my husband and I. We both held her and let her cry. I cried also for more than an hour. We told them that we loved them; it had nothing to do with them; we told him it was my husband's idea to divorce and that I didn't want it; we told them that we still loved each other (my husband and I). 

I told my daughter that it's important to not keep her feeling inside because they will eat her up. To try to share with us, even if you think it might hurt our feelings. Her only question during that day, was where am I going to live? 

Keep it short sweet and loving. Keep it open for discussion, in the future, if they wish to talk.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> we told him it was my husband's idea to divorce and that I didn't want it;


Why did you tell her it was your hubby's idea? Isn't she angry and resentful now toward your hubby?


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

You said in one of your posted that you were going to tell your kids, how did that go? 

I have no idea how i am going to tell my kids and they are all over the age range. 3yr male, 7year old male, 12 year old female, 15 year old male, and 23 year female. i think my 23 year is just waiting for it and will handle it well, she knows all that has been going on. but the others, i am not sure of. my 7 year old especially, he is so emotional and sensitive. i am worried how maing this decision will effect them so if you dont mind telling me your experience when you told yours.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

MrsVain said:


> You said in one of your posted that you were going to tell your kids, how did that go?
> 
> I have no idea how i am going to tell my kids and they are all over the age range. 3yr male, 7year old male, 12 year old female, 15 year old male, and 23 year female. i think my 23 year is just waiting for it and will handle it well, she knows all that has been going on. but the others, i am not sure of. my 7 year old especially, he is so emotional and sensitive. i am worried how maing this decision will effect them so if you dont mind telling me your experience when you told yours.


MrsVain...

It has been very, very difficult finding the courage to tell S19 and D16 about the divorce. We have had 5 opportunities to do so and I've not been able to go through with it. The wife and I had another long discussion last night about saving the marriage but I think we both realize it won't work. Therefore, opportunity #6 might happen tonight. (Unless my wife has a change of heart today)

I know exactly what I'm going to say and I will include it in this post below. I came up with my speech by doing lots of research on what to say. I think the difficulty in your situation is the wide age ranges. Although it is recommended you tell all the children at the same time, it might be best for you to have separate discussions with your younger ones. It's recommended parents adapt the message to the maturity level of the child.

Anyway, here is a summary of what I'm going to tell my children. Let me know if you have any thoughts or concerns.



> Your mother and I have been having a hard time and you've probably noticed something wasn't right between us and you are right. This is going to be difficult for all of us so I thought it best if we talk openly and honestly.
> 
> First, I want you to know that your mother and I love you both with all our heart and soul. We will always be here for you. We're your parents and always will be.
> 
> ...


Thanks and good luck!


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

its really too bad you and your wife cant make it work out. 

Good luck on your talk with your children. Sounds good. I like the last part. 

Let me know how that goes, hope it works out well with the children.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

So did you talk to your kids? Or did you decide to NOT get a divorce? I know that when I have my mind all made up to leave and then I don't (which is what has happened EVERY time so far) I get really embarrassed and don't want to see people. I'm ashamed of myself for not having the cahones to leave when I know I should. Am I the only one that feels this way? I'm interested to know what happened with you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Our kids are 19, 11, and 7. Due to their age ranges, we told each separately. I had to tell our 11 year old son by myself, because he'd seen his dad crying and was upset, needing to know why, and dh wouldn't be around for the next 2 days, so dh and I agreed I should go ahead and tell him and then dh would follow up when he was home, which he did. We check in with the kids frequently about it, too, basically daily--any questions? How are you feeling, what are you worried about, etc, depending on the situation. We are not separating our lives right away (although end of August is the target date) so the kids get used to the idea first, and then changes will come slowly; we are each taking turns being away some so the kids get more used to single parenting. It's only been a few weeks, so too soon to tell how it's affecting them--no changes are obvious in their behavior, well, little ones with our daughter, who needs more verbal reassurance about our love, what is going to happen, etc. The boys integrated that information pretty well and they understand about 2 households. 

D8zed, I love what you wrote. Our talk was similar although probably not so well articulated. I really emphasized that change is normal and while scary, is something we do all the time. My dh needs to hear that more than our kids, however. My kids see change as opportunity (like me--and I mean change, not chaos) and he has always feared it.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

What you wrote sounds good and loving.

The reason why we told our kids why we were divorcing...because "your dad wants a divorce." My husband and I agreed, ahead of time, so there was no suprises. He did the majority of the talking. It about killed him but this is his choice. I really felt strongly regarding tell the truth in a simple way.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

easysilence said:


> So did you talk to your kids? Or did you decide to NOT get a divorce? I know that when I have my mind all made up to leave and then I don't (which is what has happened EVERY time so far) I get really embarrassed and don't want to see people. I'm ashamed of myself for not having the cahones to leave when I know I should. Am I the only one that feels this way? I'm interested to know what happened with you.


What you wrote above pretty much describes my situation. I've had at least 5 different opportunities to talk with them and I have completely froze before each one. And yeah, I feel embarrassed, I get down on myself, and I just hang out alone in my bedroom. I don't quite understand it and it's very frustrating.

I've also had 3 or 4 discussions with my wife about fixing the marriage and every discussion ends up in the same place - this isn't fixable. This further adds to my frustration.

I am unable to move forward to find long-term peace and happiness.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Sounds like you're in limbo. Me too, lol. I would bet there's a LOT of us in limbo, too bad we can't throw a party and invite a bunch of therapists. Seriously, though, I don't know what to tell you as far as how to get out of it. I've never been successful. But I've heard that once you get out of limbo your life gets better. Like once you make a decision and stick to it. Like one way or the other, but not in between. Reconcile or split, but do one of the two. I have no room to talk because I'm in the same awful place. 
What I can say is this: I have two kids 14 and 10. Their dad and I got divorced (totally unrelated to anything that's going on with me now) and aside from the normal teen issues they are happy, well adjusted kids. It hasn't ruined them. They love me and their dad as much as ever. 
I know the embarrasment too. I'm avoiding what friends I do have because they think I should get out of my relationship and I keep telling them I will and I keep backing out of my decision. 
I dunno, but just keep on keeping on.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Thanks, easysilence. It helps to hear stories about well adjusted, happy teens after a divorce. Maybe the tough discussion will happen this weekend. We'll see.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

D8zed, if you're going to do it, wait until after celebrations for the 4th are done. No need to risk making bad memories from a celebration.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Geez D8zed, thats awful. Hope your doing alright.

telling my 5yr old son that we were separating was the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life. He understood what it meant too (not the why however). Then he says things to me that just about made my heart burst because I knew it wasnt going to be easy for him.

Im real sorry about the whole parental alienation thing. It hurts, but they will probably see through it in time. I think I might be on the recieving end of some of that too.

It will get easier once you are away from her and she cant carpet bomb you with those attacks anymore. Just hang in there.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

@dcrim, Yeah, I thought about that too. I think if it happens this weekend, it will be on Sunday. But I may wait until Tuesday, when the wife is out.

@Dark Angel, Thank you for the feedback and the well wishes. You're right - things will get easier.


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