# Am I the biggest a$$ for thinking this?



## kayleejames94 (Dec 9, 2012)

I am slowing finding my husband to be less and less attractive.

My hubby and I have been together for five years, married for three. We have two beautiful girls. The sex at the begining of the marriage was great (back to back babies to prove it. lol.) During the first pregnancy we took the we're eating for two thing a step further. Needless to say we both gained forty pound. After giving and six months of breastfeeding I lost all the weight. My husband was stuck with forty pounds. I got pregnant with number 2 right away. we both gained about 30 pounds this time around. Again after about six months I lost all the the weight. To date my husband has gained additional 10 pounds. So he went from 200 to 280 since we got married. He was 180 when we met. 

I found his weight gain unattractive. I think the biggest problem is I dont know how to approach him about this. He is a sensitive person. I go the direct route and tell him how I feel. He will take it that I am being mean and insensitve about it. He is very sensitive. (For example when our two year old refused togive him a hug one time, his feeling were so hurt he went into the bedroom and shed some tears). I tried asking him to join gym with me but he refused, saying I find no reason to pay for a gym membership when our residential community has a free gym. which would make sense if we didn't have kids. The gym I go to has childcare service while I work out.

so our goes like this. we get off work at 5. I go pick up the kids, go to the gym and work out for 45 minutes, then go home and cook, eat pack lunch for the kids, play with them, give them baths then put them to bed. He, on the other hand gets of and goes home straight, he sits on the right side of the couch (surfing the web, fb...) until dinner is ready, eats dinner and goes back to the right side of the couch. 

I would not have much of a problem being the do it all mom/wife if I came home to the hot sex stud I married. I really don't want to have sex with him being this big. How can I politely ask him to lose some weight, a lot of weight actually.


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## SomeDamagedGoods (Nov 11, 2012)

I do not think you are an a$$ at all. You deserve credit for keeping yourself in shape too.

The bad feelings are because your are in conflict - you have a sensitive husband that you care about, yet you have withering desire to be intimate with him because of a growing unattraction to the fat. I read the boards here - this seems to happen a lot on both sides of the fence. We feel shallow because of physical unattractiveness to our spouse and that makes us question what our values really are. Personally, I think both partners have an obligation to the other to keep themselves in good health and shape simply to avoid this scenario - but maybe that's not always realistic. Still - how many successful marriages do you see where one is huge and the other is a yoga instructor? Mutual attraction is important to a marriage.

I don't have the magic bullet - but I do know that communication is the key. If you have a good channel for communication, tell him your issues with his weight and don't delay for long on this. If you wait, it will simmer and boil over in your mind then you will have resentment to deal with.

I know - easy for me to type and harder for you to do. I think telling him (maybe even repeatedly) ultimately makes you feel better for getting it out in the open, even if it results in no weight loss. At least he knows this is a problem for you. Nearly everyone ultimately appreciates knowing what the issues are and hiding things is worse ("why didn't you tell me?"). Sensitive person or not.


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## Eilonwy (Nov 27, 2012)

Also, you could try suggesting he pick up some other activities. You paint a picture that all he does is go on the internet after work. What about weekends? What other hobbies does he have?

My husband goes straight to the couch after work as well. But he loves tennis, so 2-3 times a week, he'll be busy doing that instead. Life is about starting and keeping healthy habits sometimes. Perhaps if your husband picked up a sport or activity (instead of just thinking of a gym and repetitive workouts), he'll be more motivated and enthusiastic about it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nope ... you're only an ass if you feel this way and you're male. *snicker*

My advice on this front, particularly when it's a woman that doesn't find her partner attractive, very straightforward.

Tell him. Don't couch it. Don't try to be nice about it. Tell him you don't find him attractive.

If he asks what exactly that means, tell him.

You aren't sexually attracted to him.

Odds are, if you are that up-front, he will want to do something about it. Male sensitivity? Hurting his feelings? Please. 

If he acts all hurt, asks which he values more, his sensitivity or your honesty.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Deejo said:


> If he acts all hurt, asks which he values more, his sensitivity or your honesty.


More like, his sensitivity or your pu$$y.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Be sure to remind him about the FREE gym available in your residential community. Maybe have the hours of operation ALREADY posted on the refrigerator so he has NO EXCUSE not to get started immediately.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Be sure to remind him about the FREE gym available in your residential community. Maybe have the hours of operation ALREADY posted on the refrigerator so he has NO EXCUSE not to get started immediately.


It also sounds like his eating habits are as big a part of the problem as his not exercising. He was "eating for two" as well? Both times? Exercise is great but don't forget about getting the nutrition right or he won't lose the weight.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

You could also take control of the household diet. Make more salads and other healthy choices for dinner. If he complains, tell him you are concerned about his health and weight. Continue serving healthy food even if he *****es about it. And remind him about the free gym available to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You apparently do the cooking, so you have some control over what and how much he eats (at least, while he's home). He's getting more calories than he's burning. Feed him rabbit food in tiny portions. If he wants to eat real food again, he'll have to get off the couch and move a little. At the least, he'd have to get off the couch and drive himself to McDonalds. The dude is eating himself to death. You're not being mean, just taking care of your husband. If he wants to commit gastric suicide, there's not much you can do but you don't have to be his accomplice.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

As a side note, what if you killed the computer? Ok, not really kill it but the computer/internet is a huge waste time for the most part. He's living his life in LaLa land and not where he should be. What if part of a family New Years Resolution was to spend more time connected as a family part of which means working out together and limiting computer time to...say 50 mins a day after the kids are off to bed (which he should be helping with too...and yes I'm a guy).


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## Ghost88 (Dec 9, 2012)

Disagree with most of the above. You are responsible for you, he for him. I am in the opposite situation. I am (and always have been) very fit and athletic. My wife put on about 25lbs after our daughter was born. I honestly think our pretty good at that point sex life would have stayed that way if I has also put on weight. But I didn't. I think she is still hot, she doesn't. I quietly try to motivate and support when she is trying to lose weight, but it all needs to come from her. She is down 15lbs and feeling better, but that came from her. 

What you might try is to invite him on walks and more active things on the weekends. Try to get him used to moving. And create some time for him to do things like the gym, yoga...but the motivation can't come from you and trying to shame him into it is a recipe for ending a relationship.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ghost88 said:


> ...but the motivation can't come from you and trying to shame him into it is a recipe for ending a relationship.


So is letting yourself go with the expectation that your partner should 'love you for who you are on the inside', once you have them roped in.

I always couch my perspective from the point of view that your partner was initially in shape when you met and started dating.

Physical attraction is very important to me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Nope ... you're only an ass if you feel this way and you're male. *snicker*


:rofl:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

How about taking it from a health perspective? Losing weight is a healthy lifestyle choice and you want him to be around for you and your kids. And being obese and sedentary isn't going to get him there.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You should just tell him that it's bugging you. Do it kindly and cushion the blow with affection. Ask him to meet you at the gym after work while you're there so you can workout together. Be patient. Let him know that you know the weight isn't going to come off immediately, but you would like to see him making an effort. Point out the disproportionate weight gain. 

Yes, it is an uncomfortable conversation, but having it and dealing with the consequences is better than letting the resentment pile up or cheating on him at some point or leaving him over it. You've gotta be able to talk about the hard stuff. 

When my stbxh had a problem with my weight, I started going to the gym a few times a week and eating better. It took a direct statement from him telling me that this bothered him to get me to prioritize it. I'd meant to get around to it, but life stuff got in the way. I wonder if maybe your H doesn't get how much it bugs you. Telling him kindly is a helpful thing for you both. 80 pounds is not like 30; that's a big weight gain. Address it. And be supportive about his efforts because it is hard to motivate yourself when you're very overweight.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Just tell him that "I want you to look like a Movie star for me". Buy a used copy of "Power 90" then buy" P90X" after he completes Power 90. If he cries, tell him to "Go to WalMart and buy some balls".


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

My wife lost a 50 lbs by just eating ever other day. Cheap diet.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

There may be more going on here...crying when your 2 year old doesnt hug you...as a man means your going through something pretty rough and internalizing it.

If you want to help find out what that is. No man would do that unless he's seriously stressed about something.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

OP I'm thinking you're really lucky you came to TAM as the "right" gender regarding this topic.

I'll just leave it at that.

As far as your hubby goes, you have to talk to him about it. His sensitivity will work to your advantage because at least it will guarantee that the message gets through. Be as kind, as considerate as you can, but make it clear that physical fitness in a partner is very important to you, as is his health, and that you want to know what his plans are regarding that avenue.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> My wife lost a 50 lbs by just eating ever other day. Cheap diet.


Intermittent fasting is_ incredible_.



east2west said:


> It also sounds like his eating habits are as big a part of the problem as his not exercising. He was "eating for two" as well? Both times? Exercise is great but don't forget about getting the nutrition right or he won't lose the weight.


Exactly. The vast majority of weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. Exercise is excellent, but it is not the main driver of fat loss.


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## bennyLPJ (Dec 11, 2012)

Hey kayleejames94.

Thanks for for being open and honest. You are absolutely not an ass. Your perspective is completely understandable. Since I would consider myself a sensitive guy, and I have gained and lost weight during the course of my marriage, I have a few insights I would like to share that may help.

First, as is true for many things in life/marriage, there is probably no way you can make him lose weight. It has to be his decision. Because the process of losing weight can be so long and frustrating, there really isn't any outside push that can force someone to stick with it.

And secondly, look at this as an opportunity. In marriage, one of the primary roles that we has spouses have is to meet each others' needs. Not all needs are so apparent and obvious. So, you can take advantage of this obvious one and treat this as an opportunity to care for him.

Here's a few ideas how to do that.

1 - Ask him about how he feels regarding his health and weight. During this conversation, don't bring up how you feel. Just seek to understand how he feels. Does it bother him? Does he feel unattractive? Is he more self-conscious now? Just get a good idea of how he feels about this. If it does bother him, he feels very unattractive, and he's more self-conscious, then saying all this outloud to you will be a great step. If he's sensitive like you say, he probably has no reservations talking about his feelings. You're whole purpose here is to make it clear you want to understand him and be there for him. That's all. 

(if it doesn't bother him, and he still feels fine with himself, and he isn't self conscious at all about it, then this gets a great deal harder... if that happens, post it here, and we can come up with something else)

2 - Read health books with him. Reading books is an activity that is safe, creates great conversations, and requires absolutely no risk, no shame, no embarrassment. Its a great first step. there are tons of health/fitness books you could read together. See what the books and conversations spark within him. Just don't force this on him. Ask him if he would like to read a health / fitness book with you. Then go pick it out together. This is all just getting him more and more invested in this idea.

3 - Offer to discuss goals with him. Where would he want to be with is health/weight? Then make a plan how to get there. The idea of losing weight can often seem enormous and difficult. If you offer to break it all down into goals & steps with him (not selfishly, but with a sincere heart), it may make it a more approachable idea for him. Do not do this without him either. Like for example, don't sit down with him one day with a list of goals you made for him, and the steps he can use to accomplish them. It has to be interactive, and the decisions the whole way should be his, so it all has value to him.

Then offer him help with cooking / shopping / accountability / reviewing the goals each week / etc... whatever he wants sincerely out of love.

That will be an excellent start. By doing this, you are caring for him and loving him all along the way, and as luck might have it... you're actually getting closer to what you really want (your fit husband back) too.

Well Wishes, 

Ben

PS - Although his weight loss decision will be his alone, he'll be glad to share the results with you when he makes it.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

You have every right to be concerned and it's not a stretch to see why a 100-pound gain would make you not find your H attractive. First of all, anyone that says they don 't have time to lose weight are full of crap. Cut the carbs and sweets and do cardio three or four times a week for 45 minutes. That will get you going because you'll lose weight and then get more incentive once you know it's working. Then magically everyone finds more time to actually get their butts to a gym.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

I put on some weight during the early kid years, primarily as stress relief. Food was the reward for a job well done. Food was the salve when things weren't so good.

I've been able to dial back the stress a bit in the last couple of years and have lost about 10% of myself. 260 to 235. Losing about a pound a month through slightly better diet and targeted excercise. My target is to be back down to marriage weight of 215 in two years.

If you attack him straight on the food, you may actually re-inforce his reliance on it as stress relief (if that turns out to be the case for you.) You could be treating a symptom and not the underlying problem.

How is his self-esteem? How are the financials? Is he worried about his job? What other factors are going on that prompt him to use food as a crutch?

My suggestion would be to look for incremental changes. Get into the habit of a family walk every evening. Diet/lite substitutes for some groceries. Offer high-volumes in "good" food, like salad/veggies while you start introducing fish/chicken more frequently into dinner line-up.

Don't directly nag him about the weight. Just start implementing small actions that can push him in right direction. If he balks, then you have the "come to scale" talk.


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