# Standards and Expecations around postD Dating



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I thought I'd fire this up based on the discussion in another thread that has meandered into these waters.

I came here in the dying days of my marriage.

I worked through LOTS of stuff.

I can say unequivocally, that information I learned here about relationships, sexual dynamics, and dating, had a tremendous impact on my post-divorce personal life. I dated ... a lot. I did not have a relationship longer than 6 months for about 4 years. Then I met MR, and without ever trying on her part, she swayed my mind to thinking about this marriage gig again. We celebrate our 1 year of matrimony the 22nd of April ... I think ...

But back to dating, minimalME had some posts on the other thread that got me thinking, about what if any standards, codes, guidelines, you either have and implement as a post D single, or if you are terrified of the entire process?

I'll also indicate that much of the discussion on the other thread, revolved around the old bugaboo of deciding to discuss or share sexual history ... which seems either to help couples actually experience greater intimacy, or throws a wrench in the entire apparatus and starts making you wonder.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

In my case, numbers didn't much matter to me. I never asked ... but would answer if I were asked, and follow up with, "Can you elaborate why that is a curiosity or a concern?" My favorite answer was, "Well I'm just trying to determine, you know, if you are in the minors or the majors."

For full disclosure, my wife has been married 3 times previously. I assume that would trigger a number of people in considering a long term relationship with her. Me? Not so much. And much of that has to do with what we did disclose and discuss while dating.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

For me it starts with the TRUTH.
How much truth is she willing to tell you? 
Sometimes asking about the past is only to see if she will lie in the present, which in turn determines your future. 
For me any lie is grounds for dismissal anytime.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Am I allowed to respond to this Life After Divorce section even though I have never been divorced? I date.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Sorry for the hijack. I meander a lot. 

My point in sharing that specific dating anecdote what that that's level of detail expected in 'the reciprocal exchange'.

It becomes very offensive and intrusive.

Suppose I share with someone that I've been mistreated as a young child - is that going to be enough? Do we stop there? Doubtful. Then come the questions about how many times, who with, when and where it happened, what they did. 

And they're probably going to feel just as entitled to all that information as they did with the original question, yet this is nothing more than morbid curiosity. 

I'm totally willing to confess that I'm flawed and broken without going into any of that.

I've shared things with people, and you'd think they'd know when to keep their mouths shut. Is discretion considered secrecy now too? I can think of very few times that I haven't regretted it. Once you say something, it's out - and then you have no control over where it goes. 

And even with my ex-husband, the regret I feel over answering him wasn't because I feared his rejection or his judgement. It felt like a painful violation of my mind.

Having said all that, I'm totally willing to discuss the present. And I have no problem with someone having access to my computer, my phone, going through my things, etc.




ConanHub said:


> I agree about some of the detailed stuff. What I posted earlier can be beneficial to a couple that wants to make a life together.
> 
> I also don't think anyone needs to know anything about history unless there is a serious commitment on both parts as well as agreement.
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

NobodySpecial said:


> Am I allowed to respond to this Life After Divorce section even though I have never been divorced? I date.


Why yes you can ...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

> But back to dating, minimalME had some posts on the other thread that got me thinking, about what if any standards, codes, guidelines, you either have and implement as a post D single, or if you are terrified of the whole process.


I do not discuss past sexual history with people I date. I do discuss current sexual practices such as what I like and what I have no desire in doing. 

I do have some bias against men who have a very casual view of sex. For example, I posted here not long ago that I had a date with a man who told me about std testing, specifically how he got tested every 3 months and then before and after each new exclusive partner. I'm glad he's proactive about his sexual health but all of that STD testing made me think he had a very active sex life with many different partners. Not my cup of tea. 

As far as other guidelines and standards, I have a few but probably the most controversial is that I am leery of dads with sole custody of their kids. I ask a lot of questions in those cases and if it looks like the guy took custody as a form of vengeance towards the ex regardless the underlying reasons, I'm out. If I was a man, I would avoid women who did the same.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

minimalME said:


> Sorry for the hijack. I meander a lot.
> 
> My point in sharing that specific dating anecdote what that that's level of detail expected in 'the reciprocal exchange'.
> 
> It becomes very offensive and intrusive.


No worries at all, but your posts really got me thinking.

In my case, I indeed dated women and had sex on the first date, I dated a woman for about 2 months involving 8 times getting together, and lots of phone/text, and didn't have sex at all.

Best way I can put it, is that I didn't have many hang ups about when, or whether we had sex. But ... were a woman to tell me she had no interest in being sexual unless a marriage were in order (which she is completely entitled to) I would have politely passed.

So my question to you, is ... did you ever date anyone that you WANTED to have sex with but did not pursue that avenue based upon your standard of not being intimate out of the gate?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Lila said:


> I do not discuss past sexual history with people I date. I do discuss current sexual practices such as what I like and what I have no desire in doing.
> 
> I do have some bias against men who have a very casual view of sex. For example, I posted here not long ago that I had a date with a man who told me about std testing, specifically how he got tested every 3 months and then before and after each new exclusive partner. I'm glad he's proactive about his sexual health but all of that STD testing made me think he had a very active sex life with many different partners. Not my cup of tea.
> 
> As far as other guidelines and standards, I have a few but probably the most controversial is that I am leery of dads with sole custody of their kids. I ask a lot of questions in those cases and if it looks like the guy took custody as a form of vengeance towards the ex regardless the underlying reasons, I'm out. If I was a man, I would avoid women who did the same.


So ... I'm very curious about your second point there. May I asked how you arrived at that? I'm guessing I would presume the opposite, a guy with custody of his kids must mean his ex was a train-wreck, and he has his act together rather than any issues on his end. 

As for the first, I was in several relationships where this was requested, when it became apparent we were headed for intimacy, and I had no issue with it. But I suppose my question for you is similar to what I asked mMe, if you met a guy that you were attracted to, and invested in, would whether or not he had a high partner count matter?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Deejo said:


> I thought I'd fire this up based on the discussion in another thread that has meandered into these waters.
> 
> I came here in the dying days of my marriage.
> 
> ...


Dude. Know for sure before the 22nd!  Congrats!



> But back to dating, minimalME had some posts on the other thread that got me thinking, about what if any *standards, codes, guidelines*, you either have and implement as a post D single, or if you are terrified of the entire process?


The ONLY standard, code or guideline that I use is that I INSIST on complete honesty. If I get a sniff that a person is a player, I am GONE. I find that a lot of people have ASSUMPTIONS. Dating is <fill in their assumption>. Men are <fill in their assumption>. Women are <fill in their assumption>. In my case, Poly is <fill in their assumption>. Which is all well and good but requires vetting about whether their truth matches my truth. 

I have exactly ZERO attachment to when/ whether sex occurs except insofar as I am not, personally, interested in asexual romantic relationships. 



> I'll also indicate that much of the discussion on the other thread, revolved around the old bugaboo of deciding to discuss or share sexual history ... which seems either to help couples actually experience greater intimacy, or throws a wrench in the entire apparatus and starts making you wonder.


I don't think the helping couples achieve intimacy is linear like this. The context in which discussing history came is that of a person rejecting you for your history. For me, I would rather be roundly rejected (and would reject back!) someone who would reject me for my history than hiding it since hiding it and not being able to share ME is an intimacy non-starter.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

NobodySpecial said:


> Dude. Know for sure before the 22nd!  Congrats!
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think the helping couples achieve intimacy is linear like this. The context in which discussing history came is that of a person rejecting you for your history. For me, I would rather be roundly rejected (and would reject back!) someone who would reject me for my history than hiding it since hiding it and not being able to share ME is an intimacy non-starter.



Yeah ... I need to nail that down. 


Certainly agree that getting to, sharing, or expanding on intimacy isn't linear. I suppose I think of sharing the 'count' information with someone who isn't shocked or critical of it, simply opens the door to feeling more accepted and more at ease ... should the parties even choose to have that conversation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

After my divorce I didn't date for 4 years. I was far too exhausted trying to keep a home together for three hurting children on my own. Also in no way was I emotionally ready, far too traumatised and hurt. 

Once I did, I went into dating sites, Christian ones in my case, and talked to a lot of really nice men there, met up with three of them and after 2 years met my now husband. With the men I met up with and talked to before him we didn't get as far as discussing really personal things, sex or anything else. With him very soon we had talked about more or less everything you could think of. Marriage, our divorces, our ex spouses, our children, sex, money, our faith and so on. I know he was the one for me in less that a week and we were very very open and honest from the start. That was one of things I really liked about him, his openness and honesty. The fact that we could talk about anything and he hid nothing. Trust was vital for me after my past, and still is, so any hint that he was hiding things would have caused me to pause and re think. We talked early on about the fact that we both wanted to wait for marriage till we had sex. No point in wasting anyone's time if they were going to start pressuring the other for sex after a few weeks or even earlier. 

My criteria was very strict some may think. After being so hurt and betrayed before and after finding out some upsetting things about my dad, I wasn't prepared to settle nor compromise on these things even if it meant that I stayed single. I was by then in my mid-late 40's and had far more idea of what I wanted in a husband than I did the first time 30 years before.

I made a long list of what I wanted in a man, prayed about it, and eventually got what I asked for. Quite amazing really, as there are very few men like that around today. Also my faith had become far far more important to me since I married my first husband, so the man I married had to share that. We clicked straight away, spiritually and in other ways.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Deejo said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > I do not discuss past sexual history with people I date. I do discuss current sexual practices such as what I like and what I have no desire in doing.
> ...


That's why I ask a lot of questions. If the ex was a train wreck or gave up custody willingly then no problem but there are those cases where the guy was angry at his ex wife (cheating or just wanted out) where they used custody for revenge. That's when I say nope. Custody of children and marital issues are independent in my book. It makes me be very leery as in they could take vengeance on me for any slight they may feel. 




> As for the first, I was in several relationships where this was requested, when it became apparent we were headed for intimacy, and I had no issue with it. But I suppose my question for you is similar to what I asked mMe, if you met a guy that you were attracted to, and invested in, would whether or not he had a high partner count


His partner count would bother me only if it was representative of his current views on sex. Iow, does he view sex as a casual thing now or not. I am not naive enough to think that I could be that woman to make a promiscuous man want to give up casual sex life. This is real life not a Romcom.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Yeah ... I need to nail that down.
> 
> 
> Certainly agree that getting to, sharing, or expanding on intimacy isn't linear. I suppose I think of sharing the 'count' information with someone who isn't shocked or critical of it, simply opens the door to feeling more accepted and more at ease ... should the parties even choose to have that conversation.


Yes. And, conversely, having to hide --- aka choosing not to have -- that conversation is necessarily a obstacle to it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Overall, I'd have to say my standards were remarkably simple. And I'm not even talking about sex here.

I want to have an enjoyable experience.

I want you to have an enjoyable experience.

If none of the above apply, it's time to move on.

I think I used to post this phrase often back in the day:

Be a good 'ender'.

Never ask the question 'Why?' if someone chooses to end the (dating) relationship.

By prolonging a sub-optimal relationship, you are wasting your time, and the other persons time.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Deejo said:


> By prolonging a sub-optimal relationship, you are wasting your time, and the other persons time.


I believe this very much! But a female has to be careful lest she get anywhere from verbally accosted to actually accosted.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

As you probably know, online one is limited in the screening process. I went by what I saw, and less so by what I read (mainly because I found most men's profiles to be extremely short.)

So, I knew if I was attracted to them or not, unless they weren't honest with their photos.

The only time I didn't want to continue dating someone was because he'd lied about his status (still married)/looks/weight.

Other than that, it was consistently the men who stopped seeing me. And I had one guy break our second date, and he told me it was because I wasn't going to have sex with him. Which wasn't a surprise because he spent the entire first date trying to talk me into a FWB situation.

With many of the other men, subsequent invitations were to hotels or weekends at their homes. And by subsequent, I mean second dates.

If I'm attracted to a man, I want to have sex with him. I'm totally capable of doing what @CharlieParker did when he and his wife met. 

It actually takes a great deal of self-control on my part not to have sex. And that self-control is important to me because sex bonds me, and I view it as a sacred thing - not a form of entertainment. I would feel used and disgusted with myself if I behaved according to my wants.

And I wouldn't say that I'd require marriage in order to have sex - I've never once said that to a man, but if our main topic of conversation is consistently sex, then he'd have to prove his interest over time. Especially now that I'm content with my life, and I don't make any effort (in terms of dating) anymore.




Deejo said:


> So my question to you, is ... did you ever date anyone that you WANTED to have sex with but did not pursue that avenue based upon your standard of not being intimate out of the gate?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

minimalME said:


> As you probably know, online one is limited in the screening process. I went by what I saw, and less so by what I read (mainly because I found most men's profiles to be extremely short.)
> 
> So, I knew if I was attracted to them or not, unless they weren't honest with their photos.
> 
> ...


 @minimalME, genuine question, why did you agree to go out again with someone who from the very go was only interested in a FWB relationship?

I ask this because I'm the complete opposite. I am actively looking for red flags to call the whole thing off. there has to be a happy medium somewhere in between.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

minimalME said:


> And I wouldn't say that I'd require marriage in order to have sex - I've never once said that to a man, but if our main topic of conversation is consistently sex, then he'd have to prove his interest over time. Especially now that I'm content with my life, and I don't make any effort (in terms of dating) anymore.


Really appreciate your response. To be clear, I was only using the marriage before sex scenario as a deal-breaker for me; I never actually ran into that. Although I did have a pretty solid looking relationship tank, when I was asked about my feelings about marriage at that time, and I answered that I didn't really see that happening. She asked me to take her home on the spot. I did so, made no apologies, didn't go looking for cover. We didn't say a word on the entire ride.

There is a lot to be said for being content. I also remember being in the place where I simply didn't much care. I was good. Either way.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm not so much into the red flags. Maybe that's a character flaw on my part. It takes time to get to know people, and I'm willing to take that time - without sex. 

I mean, I just assume most guys want easy sex and will push to see what they can get away with. That isn't really a problem for me. I'm able to say no gracefully, and I'm not offended by being asked.




Lila said:


> @minimalME, genuine question, why did you agree to go out again with someone who from the very go was only interested in a FWB relationship?
> 
> I ask this because I'm the complete opposite. I am actively looking for red flags to call the whole thing off. there has to be a happy medium somewhere in between.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Interesting thread and questions...

For me, I went through stages. 

First I was just having fun, lots of fun. Lots of women lots of sex. And while some may disapprove, I was never dishonest with any of the women that I was with, before marriage or after divorce actually. 

Then, like lots of people, I think I wanted more, something more meaningful so I got into relationship mode, had several of those, then took a break from that and then met GF. 

When I was dating, I had standards, 1) honesty complete honesty, 2) affectionate, physically affectionate 3) quite frankly, she had to be good in bed and enjoy sex or I was not interested, 4) loving in lots of ways, and I know that varies for a lot of people, 5) Fun, likes to have fun and most importantly, 6) She had to adore me and think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. 

When in a relationship, I don't ask numbers, I don't give mine, but I want to know the truth about relationships. What they were like, what was good, what was bad, I want to know all of it. 

I have to know what I am dealing with. 

Current GF, fits the bill on my most important criteria if not all. 

In a few months, she gets the pleasure of marrying me if she wants too...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Diana7 said:


> After my divorce I didn't date for 4 years. I was far too exhausted trying to keep a home together for three hurting children on my own. Also in no way was I emotionally ready, far too traumatised and hurt.
> 
> Once I did, I went into dating sites, Christian ones in my case, and talked to a lot of really nice men there, met up with three of them and after 2 years met my now husband. With the men I met up with and talked to before him we didn't get as far as discussing really personal things, sex or anything else. With him very soon we had talked about more or less everything you could think of. Marriage, our divorces, our ex spouses, our children, sex, money, our faith and so on. I know he was the one for me in less that a week and we were very very open and honest from the start. That was one of things I really liked about him, his openness and honesty. The fact that we could talk about anything and he hid nothing. Trust was vital for me after my past, and still is, so any hint that he was hiding things would have caused me to pause and re think. We talked early on about the fact that we both wanted to wait for marriage till we had sex. No point in wasting anyone's time if they were going to start pressuring the other for sex after a few weeks or even earlier.
> 
> ...



Well, criteria is criteria, I think it's wonderful that both you and your husband found the person who fit.

As I stated earlier, I think plenty of folks would roll their eyes at the fact that my wife was married 3 times previously. I remember vividly the night she told me. She started off very stern and composed saying, "I really need to talk to you about some things ..." and by the end of it she was in tears because she thought for sure I was going to walk.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

BluesPower said:


> Interesting thread and questions...
> 
> For me, I went through stages.
> 
> ...


When I was dating and quasi/serious, exclusive, I would determine if infidelity were part of the equation in any failed relationships. Never came right out and asked, was always more subtle and disarming, but also always got to the truth. Wouldn't say it was a standard, but it was generally procedural with anyone I became very involved with.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I’ve been divorced a year, celibate for over 8 years and right smack dab in the thick of it with online dating. I definitely have standards but those years of celibacy are making hard to keep my head on straight lol! I haven’t caved yet though! 

I’m huge into watching for red flags for personality flaws. Insecure, overly self confident, lying (inaccurate pictures piss me off), in his 40’s or 50’s and never married amongst other things. Body language is huge. Sense of humor is absolutely necessary and reveals a lot a I think. I’m all for a sexual relationship without the marraige deal but not just with anyone. He has to have standards of his own and show me he’s looking at me hard, taking my measure. I won’t accept anything less.

I’ve had week long phone conversations with three men before meeting them and all three fell hard with some idea they had formed of me before they met me. They had formed fantasies in their heads based on my pictures and a weeks worth of phone conversation. That really bothered me. Maybe I’m to critical, I don’t know, but the fact that they acted like love lorn puppies when we met irked me and definitely didn’t have me wanting to rip their clothes off. That’s really all it took to knock you off your feet? That’s no way to choose a partner. It seems to be lacking in critical thought and seems desperate.

As far as sexual history goes I’m really only curious about the last couple of years so I can gauge wether or not they may still be attached to a previous lover. Outside of knowing if they have or have ever had an STD and wether or not they’re into anything extreme I’m good. 

I’ve gone out to dinner with and am now conversing with someone who’s looking at me hard. I like this guy. He’s not desperate in the least and lives a full very busy life and wants to meet someone, but not just anyone.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Although everyone is different.

If someone is interested in *the person,* they are going to want to know what has made them who they are.
Shared experiences deepens connection and intimacy. A spouse talking about their past trials, difficulties, failures, and triumphs allows someone to feel more a part of their life which they weren't present for. It doesn't have to be a play by play either. Much the same about sharing hopes and dreams of the future. Personally it gives me a better understanding of who they are.

If someone never asks, or listens about who I am, past, I would lose interest.

Almost forgot. ETA: That out of the way. If someone feels they can't trust me enough to tell me of their past then why should I trust them?

As long as they were being truthful in past relationships or tell me what they were dealing with to help me understand what they were going through, it's all good.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Deejo said:


> Well, criteria is criteria, I think it's wonderful that both you and your husband found the person who fit.
> 
> As I stated earlier, I think plenty of folks would roll their eyes at the fact that my wife was married 3 times previously. I remember vividly the night she told me. She started off very stern and composed saying, "I really need to talk to you about some things ..." and by the end of it she was in tears because she thought for sure I was going to walk.



I think for me I would need to know why the marriages ended. Three divorces is a lot, and the chances of a 4th marriage working are small, (I hope that it works out in your case).
We were both divorced after long first marriages of 23 and 25 years. His wife cheated and divorced him, so I had no issues with that at all. Had it been him who caused the marriage to end, maybe by cheating, then I wouldn't have carried on with him. Interestingly his wife cheated with a three times divorced man, he had no interest in marrying again, and it didn't last.
So yes I would be very wary of anyone who had been divorced 2 or 3 times.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Diana7 said:


> I think for me I would need to know why the marriages ended. Three divorces is a lot, and the chances of a 4th marriage working are small, (I hope that it works out in your case).
> We were both divorced after long first marriages of 23 and 25 years. His wife cheated and divorced him, so I had no issues with that at all. Had it been him who caused the marriage to end, maybe by cheating, then I wouldn't have carried on with him. Interestingly his wife cheated with a three times divorced man, he had no interest in marrying again, and it didn't last.
> So yes I would be very wary of anyone who had been divorced 2 or 3 times.


Given that I've been participating here for over a decade (with some hiatus from time to time), and that infidelity was a factor in my first marriage, I can only state that I did my due diligence. Infidelity, on her part, did not play a role in any of her failed marriages.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

minimalME said:


> I'm not so much into the red flags. Maybe that's a character flaw on my part.


It is definitely NOT a character flaw. In My Opinion. If anything, it may be an obstacle to finding what you really want. But it certainly does not reflect negatively on your character!



> It takes time to get to know people, and I'm willing to take that time - without sex.
> 
> I mean, I just assume most guys want easy sex and will push to see what they can get away with.


I would also wonder if this assumption is an obstacle to finding what you want. You can't find what you assume does not exist. Just a thought.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> ... But back to dating, @minimalME had some posts on the other thread that got me thinking, about what if any standards, codes, guidelines, you either have and implement as a post D single, or if you are terrified of the entire process?
> 
> I'll also indicate that much of the discussion on the other thread, revolved around the old bugaboo of deciding to discuss or share sexual history ... which seems either to help couples actually experience greater intimacy, or throws a wrench in the entire apparatus and starts making you wonder.


I have actually thought about this thread a lot, in that I divorced in 2001 (I was 39yo and it was final in 2002 when I turned 40yo), I dated Dear Hubby and married him in 2006, he died in 2017 (I was 55yo), and I dated @Emerging Buddhist last year and we are getting married this year. 

The was some difference in dating at 40yo and dating at 55yo. When I was 40yo I took a couple years off after the divorce to catch my breath and get to know me again. Once I got to know me, I had an idea of what a mature, healthy, good partner for me might be like, so I tried OLD and I was shocked. I did NOT like it at all! It felt far too "meat market" to me. Since OLD wasn't for me, I tried just going to things I liked and meeting other people doing the things I liked. This went far better for me and I felt comfortable asking men out, but mostly it seemed to lead to good friendships more than relationships. Finally I thought I'd just "lay off" for a while and not worry about it, and sure enough...that's when I met Dear Hubby! 

At the time, my standards, codes and guidelines were that I definitely needed someone who was calm and peaceful. Nothing against the very passionate types out there, but I had been abused by both parents and first hub, and I had enough of that for a lifetime--peace and calm were my cuppa tea! I also needed someone who was NOT into drama. Drama = deal-breaker for me. Other than that, I looked for a man who had character traits such as honesty, loyalty, respectfulness, generosity, courtesy, kindness, and authenticity. I myself tend to be submissive and pretty old-fashioned, and I love kids, so I looked for someone at least comparable to that. Politically I tended to be conservative, so again I looked for someone at least willing to be respectful. And sexually, I'm pretty open-minded and adventurous, but in a committed relationship, so I'm not into casual sex and wasn't looking for that. 

Dating at 55yo, however, was MUCH different. First, I sincerely didn't even want to date! LOL I knew OLD and that whole meat market scene was NOT for me, so my plan was to just enjoy being on my own. You all know, I was ecstatically happy with Dear Hubby and we loved each other dearly, but by the same token, caring for someone who is dying is a tough gig, and in many ways I felt a little free to be able to go out and do my own thing and get out and about doing what mattered to me. Our kids were all grown and out of the house, and I was essentially on my own with my cat--so I was thinking I'd do stuff I want and go where I want! And nothing personal, but I surely don't need anyone to have fun and do my thing, so I was planning to be on my own. Huzzah! 

I would say at 55yo my standards, codes and guidelines were impossible to achieve. I had already had the kind of marriage that everyone WISHES FOR and hopes for, so whoever came along was going to have to not only be a good match (see above), but also be amazing enough to catch my eye. In the most respectful way possible, I sincerely didn't think any human being (male or female) would be able to do that! Then along came @Emerging Buddhist. You all know him. He actually does possess all those qualities above, plus some others I had grown to value: deep integrity, responsibility, courageousness, perseverance in the face of difficulty, reliability, and self-discipline. We have very similar tastes in almost everything. Our values and morals are very closely aligned. We are both crazy in ways the other one understands. We are companions, partners in crime, and best friends, and I think that's the one guideline was the "make or break" for us: in these later years, there just HAS TO BE a foundation of being close, best friends, and all else is built on that. 

Finally, regarding sharing sexual history or not, here's the thing: I am pretty open. I will discuss fairly openly pretty much any aspect of myself and my life. I don't hide my divorce, my affair, my widowhood, or what I learned from all three. Hey...at 56yo I've been around the sun a few times, **** has happened, and I learned from it! LOL I feel exactly the same about my sexuality. I am comfortable sharing about it, sharing about what I want sexually and what I enjoy, how often I'm in the mood, etc. Again...I think this is one of those things that has to be at minimum an acceptable match, so how will we know if we're a match if I don't share honestly, right? Now, I also suspect that almost every successful relationship has a HIGHER one and a LOWER one, and that the couple mutually decides "this works for me...if this works for you" and then boom--satisfaction. BUT I do reserve the privilege of sexual expression for just a select few. In my life I have been selective, but when I do choose someone, after that I am all about the romance and the senses, aimed at the person with whom I'm exclusive!


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