# feeling unwanted :( be warned..long..



## cmwah (Jan 18, 2012)

Hi. I am new here and need to get some stuff off my chest. I have tried talking to my DH about all this, but he does not seem to think there is a problem. I just wanting to see if others think this is a problem. 
Okay, I am 26 and my DH is 34..we've been together for 6 years (married for 4) and have two kids. Our sex life is pretty much non existant ( to me). When we first got together, it was awesome. we could not keep our hands off each other. I still feel that way about, but I don't think he does anymore.  
I weigh about 40 pounds more than i did before kids..and he says that doesn't bother him...but i cannot help but think it does...I am working on losing the weight...but I'm not very unattractive, so I don't understand why he doesn't seem to want to be with me. Our relationship is pretty good otherwise. We enjoy spending time together and rarely argue. 
Right now, we have sex about once a month...i would be happy with once a week, we both work different shifts, so unless it's the weekend, we usually are not home at the same times until he gets off work at 3 am, but I mention that if he wakes me up when he gets home, I would be glad to "see" him. lol. but that doesn't work either. 
So one thing I am not happy with the frequency. I do try to initiate, at different times, etc, and usually i have no luck. 

Also, When we do have sex, a lot of the time, we are watching porn...He is the one that suggests putting in a movie and I say okay..cuz then i figure we will have sex...but honestly, I would prefer not to have them on, or just watch them occasionally...i don't have a problem with porn in general, but ..when we are having sex, a lot of the time he will be watching the movie while we are doing it...which makes me feel like he's just using my body to imagine having sex with someone else...which hurts, because i really never think about being with anyone else besides him (which is the truth, in case anyone doubts it lol)

One other concern, he is always talking about having mutual friends videotape us having sex, he brings that up every time he is in the mood (which is rare..)...i indulge him in talking about it like i would seriously consider it because being videotaped is a big fantasy for him..but it just seems like he cannot get turned on without thinking of that....and i question why i'm not enough to turn him on.  

I was just wondering if anyone else would be upset about these things or am i overthinking stuff? I just feel hurt a lot of the times..thanks for any advice.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes I'd be upset by all of you. You are certainly right to be upset. I wonder if he uses porn a lot when you are not around?

Opposite shifts are hard on marriages. I wonder how much that contributes.

How much time a week do the two of you spend together?


----------



## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I would be upset by that as well. Honestly if my husband wanted to watch porn while having sex with me and just stared at it the entire time I am almost 100% sure I would push him off of me. I'm not OK with porn now due to issues it caused with us but that's another story.


----------



## cmwah (Jan 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes I'd be upset by all of you. You are certainly right to be upset. I wonder if he uses porn a lot when you are not around?
> 
> Opposite shifts are hard on marriages. I wonder how much that contributes.
> 
> How much time a week do the two of you spend together?


i think he does. i have checked the history on the computer before and found some... I know he used it a lot before we were together, but since our sex life was great at the beginning, I didn't think that was going to be a problem. 

Time we spend together...during the week when I do not have to work the next morning, i stay up after I put the kids to bed to see him when he gets home..and on the weekends, when he and I are off, we are together all day Saturday and Sunday. So we see each other probably a few hours each day during the week, and all day on the weekends, unless I work.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you spend time with him, how much of it is the two of you doing things together.. not chores, not with the children.. just the two of you enjoying eachother (not sex)?


----------



## cmwah (Jan 18, 2012)

honestly...not a lot... I know we need to work on that...... i have been feeling bored for a while now..i feel jealous when I see my friends without kids talking about doing fun stuff with their boyfriends or husbands..... we never really have date nights, b/c it's too hard to find a babysitter (my family is crazy and the closest member of his family lives 300 miles away. lol)..when the kids are in bed..we usually just watch tv together..or do housework..or I'm busy trying to study..


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Typically a couple needs about 15 hours a week together doing date-like things... from just talking, going to a walk, go going out to dinner. Without that you will lose your connection to each other.

One thing that you can do if you don't know someone you feel safe leaving your children with is to get a high school junior or senior or a college kid. Have them watch your children while you are home. And the two of you have date at home.... we used to do this.. take snacks, wine, etc to our bedroom and hang out there just the two of use.

You can check on the kids once in a while. over time you might get to trust this person enough to leave your children with them.

You could also hire someone to do some of your house work so that you two have more you time.

I know that this is not what you are complaining about.. but I'll bet losing your connection with each other is a large part of the problem.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Port just kills marriages. A man gets his release from it instead of his wife. He may have turned to it in desperation when he was refused or didnt have one. But once there he stays there.
You at least have to stop watching it together with him.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Cmwah - if you read any of my posts you'll see that I am a fine one to talk...
In the beginning my marriage was sexually OK.... we both worked shifts...our down time was spent cleaning, washing, ironing etc. As we were then Dinkies (double income no kiddies) we had nice expensive holidays.... But holidays represented 15% of our life.

When we had off days I (we) would try to do things together (after the chores!)....I would try to spoil and 'woo' my wife....because I love her and wanted her....by the time it got to the bedroom and I was aching for her she would be too tired....
So, over time I stopped trying to 'woo' her because I got rejected too often. 

Although we now have children our marriage is more like a company...I do this, she does that, we do this....If I am lucky my wife allows me 'access' once a month..I'd like 1-2 a week. She just isn't interested in trying to get even a bit of a reasonable sex life back. 
Due to shift work, outside pressures our marriage has evolved into a sexless marriage.

Please....please try to resolve things before it gets beyond repair. The longer you leave it the more the bitterness and resentment comes in... 
Assuming there are no medical problems (low testosterone/diabetes etc) I find it unusual that a a healthy male only needs/wants sex once a month!

You might have to accept (as I have...for now) that maybe your husband is one of the very few males who just isnt really interested in sex...with you...or with anyone.

Whatever you choose to do....good luck and I hope all is not lost....


----------



## Mrs. Yes (Jan 5, 2012)

If you are comfortable with taping the two of you - no friend needed here - just a tripod. Maybe you could tape the two of you in the act and then watch that instead of porn in the future.

Probably won't fix everything - but might solve the issue with you thinking he is imagining other while with you.


I will never say no in 2012


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Mrs. Yes said:


> If you are comfortable with taping the two of you - no friend needed here - just a tripod. Maybe you could tape the two of you in the act and then watch that instead of porn in the future.
> 
> Probably won't fix everything - but might solve the issue with you thinking he is imagining other while with you.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Compromise is always a good thing. Give this a try and see if it helps.


----------



## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

I agree that it is unhealthy to allow him to have sex with you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and used. Don't do that. It's not okay.

If you would be comfortable experimenting with videotaping yourselves, that is a little different than him "using" you while watching porn. You could try it if it's comfortable for you.

Bottom line is, he doesn't care about your feelings OR you haven't expressed them clearly. You need to express your feelings and needs clearly in order to get a positive outcome for yourself.

Which might mean saying NO.


----------

