# Seeing OH's work colleagues who encouraged him with another woman...



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

*Seeing OH's work colleagues who encouraged him with another woman... ***UPDATED****

I may be going out later with my OH to his Christmas party.

If so I will be confronted with the ****wits that cajoled and encouraged both my OH and his lady "friend" into exchanging numbers and getting in touch outside of work, knowing full well of my existence and that of our infant children. They took it upon themselves without the knowledge of my OH to pass on his number to the woman in question and get her to get in touch with him.

Now... I know my issues with his behaviour (early EA nipped in the bud but caused a lot of damage to me and the family unit) are with him. And we have worked through things very well. But the thought of finally being face-to-face with these planks well and truly gets me angry inside. I want to succinctly tell them exactly what I think of them. I don't think it will enhance my relationship particularly but I would feel SOOOOOOOOOOOO good to be able to tell them what I think of them. OH would probably just let me get on with it I suspect.

It's either that or icy silence because I cannot bring myself to be civil to them. I know it's mad because I forgave OH but that's just how I feel...

What's the best thing to do?

EDITED TO ADD: I have posted an update further down and need advice if anyne would care to help...
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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Maintain your dignity. The level you walked is over those "planks". Keep doing it and keep your side of the street nice and clean. Say a prayer, look great, plaster the smile on and hold your head up.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Neither of you go, they are not your friends nor his and as co-workers you have no interest in having them in your life or allowing them to cause you discomfort. Instead of going to the party have a dinner date with your husband .
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Eli-zor, the trouble is that it was two or three colleagues involved but AFAIK none of the rest were involved. I don't have a problem with him seeing them. It's mad really because for the most part we're moving on. What happened is in the past between me and OH, though I do think about it. I always knew when I finally saw these guys I would feel strongly but have never been quite sure how to react.

We're going out then going on to meet mutual friends later so it will only be a matter of an hour at most. I do like the rest of the guys he works with and like being in their company.
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Some of those guys are triggers and the others should understand why your husband and you are not present. Out of courtesy to you your husband should offer not to go . Him seeing those folk who enable the affair keeps it alive in his mind.
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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tobio said:


> I may be going out later with my OH to his Christmas party.
> 
> If so I will be confronted with the ****wits that *cajoled and encouraged both my OH and his lady "friend"* into exchanging numbers and getting in touch outside of work, knowing full well of my existence and that of our infant children. *They took it upon themselves without the knowledge of my OH to pass on his number to the woman in question and get her to get in touch with him*.


Its despicable when these coworkers not only *enabled* the affair, they *facilitated* it by taking an active part in it.

Eli-Zor is spot on. I find it questionable that your WH is even wanting to go. He should be at the very least, be offering you the choice if the two of you should go at all out of respect for the suffering that you're going thru. Yes, the issue is between you and your WH, but these people with no moral enabled and facilitiated the affair.

To me, that shows a lack of empathy toward your feelings. And you know what a lack of empathy means. Next thing you know, he's gonna be complaining and telling you to "get over it already". Its already drifting over into rug sweeping.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What does OH mean?

The best thing to do is go and have a good time and don't engage them.

I know you are mad at them and they were out of line but your husband had a choice. He is the one who is married to you and could have said NO and shut it down really quick. He didn't.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What does OH mean?
> 
> The best thing to do is go and have a good time and don't engage them.
> 
> I know you are mad at them and they were out of line but your husband had a choice. He is the one who is married to you and could have said NO and shut it down really quick. He didn't.


OH=Other Half
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

O I C

Thanks, Pidge


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and I also think if you decide not to go altogether, there would be nothing wrong with that either.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

UPDATED...

Thanks everyone for the advice. Here is what happened...

Neither of us went. We didn't even go out. I had a stress about the prospect of these work colleagues being there and explained how I felt to OH. 

OH got defensive. Said I had them all wrong, they were not malicious and never intended to hurt my feelings because they're not like that, they acted because they thought he would want them to (even though he says he never asked or indicated that he wanted them to) and as soon as he realised what they had been doing, he confronted them and they apologised.

Now. I have my doubts about this, I think the last part is fabricated to spare my feelings tbh. BUT I have moved on from obsessing about all of that, it's not a place I'm in anymore. The point was that I wanted him to undertand that to me, they disrespected me, my relationship and my family and I find them toxic.

OH got really stressed. I could see he was getting worked up. All of a sudden he jumped up off the bed (we were talking in the bedroom), ran out of the room and just jumped over the landing banister. Falling down to the bottom of the stairs. I was completely dumbstruck. I looked down and he was just sat there white faced, not hurt thank god.

I am sure he didn't mean to do anything stupid but he does things like this when he gets angry. For the rest of the evening he hardly said a word. He slept on the sofa whilst I put the littlest kids to bed. I came downstairs and he had a beer. Still looked white. We spoke very briefly, it wasn't an angry atmosphere but he obviously didn't want to conversate so I left him alone mostly. He did say something very pointed though: he wasn't angry at me. He is angry at himself. He said not a day goes by when he doesn't think about what he did. That he feel ashamed of himself. I remember him saying a few months back that he couldn't bear the thought of me and him splitting up and him having to tell our sons (who he adores) that it was because daddy messed up with another woman.

He's still in bed now. I have no idea how to move forward with this. To me? We were doing really well at moving on. We've done counselling. I found it really difficult but I managed to look forward. It comes up and I am honest about if something has made me feel bad and we are good at working through it together. This has really thrown me for six because I never even realised he still thought about it. I honestly thought to him it was something stupid he'd done and he'd chalked it down to poor boundaries and moved on. I never realised he carried that much guilt with him.

What to do...?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Good for you for declining to go. Go with the flow, focus on you, do what helps you and while you naturally are concerned about him the only one that can heal himself is your husband. Stick to those boundaries and you should not feel the need to explain the why. Over time your husband will learn that he has to earn your trust and no disrespect to him to stop acting childish , jumping over the bannister is him seeking attention even if is negative. What do you do ? As he said he is angry book him on for anger management sessions. If he asks well simply state people dont do what he just did and you want back the man you love , not the angry unthinking one.

It takes a long time for both of you to heal from an affair. Keep your boundaries firm . Never waver on them as one slip up will send him the wrong message.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I understand, thanks. I honestly do not believe he did it to seek attention, going on how he has reacted to things before I am sure it was him being frustrated and angry. Still scary though.

He has done other stuff in reaction to his feelings of frustration. He will drive crazily and stupidly when we're in the car. A while back he threw two casseroles across the kitchen and smashed them to pieces. He frightens me sometimes. It is never directed at me but is not nice to experience.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Send him in for those sessions, he is in a habit of behaving badly when angry or frustrated and should seek help to guide him through techniques to control himself.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

tobio said:


> I understand, thanks. I honestly do not believe he did it to seek attention, going on how he has reacted to things before I am sure it was him being frustrated and angry. Still scary though.
> 
> He has done other stuff in reaction to his feelings of frustration. He will drive crazily and stupidly when we're in the car. A while back he threw two casseroles across the kitchen and smashed them to pieces. He frightens me sometimes. It is never directed at me but is not nice to experience.


Tobio, that's abusive behaviour whether directed at you or not. Instead of reassuring us, this is alarming.
Are kids in car when he drives erratic ?

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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tobio said:


> OH got really stressed. I could see he was getting worked up. All of a sudden he jumped up off the bed (we were talking in the bedroom), ran out of the room and just jumped over the landing banister. Falling down to the bottom of the stairs. I was completely dumbstruck. I looked down and he was just sat there white faced, not hurt thank god.


:wtf:



tobio said:


> He has done other stuff in reaction to his feelings of frustration. He will *drive crazily and stupidly *when we're in the car. A while back *he threw two casseroles across the kitchen and smashed them to pieces*. He frightens me sometimes. It is never directed at me but is not nice to experience.


Now this is *DANGEROUS* behavior. He's a danger to himself, to you and the children, and other drivers and their families when he decides to drive crazy instead of being able to cope with it. *Next time you or others wont be so lucky*. Same with the destruction of property. He needs to go into anger management therapy ASAP.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Tobio, that's abusive behaviour whether directed at you or not. Instead of reassuring us, this is alarming.
> Are kids in car when he drives erratic ?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Golfergirl. They have been. The first incident was right after he first told me what was going on. We were driving to the supermarket and I was upset, sure he was hiding something. I asked him over and over and he flipped, put his foot down and accelerated to the bumper of a lorry in front and stayed there so close. I told him to calm it and he did and said it was a stupid thing to do with the kids in the car.

Once after counselling just me and him, I said something he didn't like. He stopped in the middle of the main road and, got out the driver's seat and walked off home. He apologised after, he always knows without any input from me that he's been a massive tool because he always feels really embarrassed after.
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You can change this behaviour by not allowing him to get away with it. As a start you refuse to have him drive when you or your children are together , if he challenges you the answer is he can apologise as much as he wants but when you or one of your children is harmed or in the worse case is killed then his apology is useless.

You drive , he is the passenger . If he accepts then pulls a stunt of getting out half way , leave him to walk home and you never have him in the car again . Firm boundaries and guidelines. None of these are unrealistic , they are logical steps you are taking to manage his inabilities that can and will threaten the well being of your family.

He is pushing buttons and doing stupid things to get you to react . Don't accept his apologies , his sorry is a word only ,it is only worth something if he stops this kind of behaviour .
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Be confident when you start to enforce the steps , he may initially not like it but over time as he gains clarity he will be thankful.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

tobio said:


> Golfergirl. They have been. The first incident was right after he first told me what was going on. We were driving to the supermarket and I was upset, sure he was hiding something. I asked him over and over and he flipped, put his foot down and accelerated to the bumper of a lorry in front and stayed there so close. I told him to calm it and he did and said it was a stupid thing to do with the kids in the car.
> 
> Once after counselling just me and him, I said something he didn't like. He stopped in the middle of the main road and, got out the driver's seat and walked off home. He apologised after, he always knows without any input from me that he's been a massive tool because he always feels really embarrassed after.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read up on abuse. It can be damaging property, hurting a pet, threatening to harm something the other loves. Threatening the safety of your family is a form of abuse. As far as jumping off a railing? WTF do whatever to himself, just don't harm or threaten to put in harm's way you or your children.
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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Be confident when you start to enforce the steps , he may initially not like it but over time as he gains clarity he will be thankful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your suggestion could possibly set him off and then his anger might be directed toward her no? It sounds like his behavior can be extremely violent at times It could put her and her children in danger. I would just insist on him seeking IC and AM therapy. He needs to find a healthy outlet for his anger and frustration.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is your husband 15 and falling to peer pressure?

He sounds very weak. He sounds like he wanted the affair. Maybe MAYBE the colleagues had nothing to do with it at all and that's what he told you to make him look like the 'victim'. Psh. Makes me kinda ill..."My friends made me do it." Really? Cause last time I checked, we all have mouths to say NO.


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