# When society doesn't want you together...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is something that isn't very easy to discuss about, I've learnt a lot about my own flaws since I joined, unfortunately the missus ain't meeting me halfway hence our recent split due to religious issues - probably too late to fix. But one more question I have to ask, so I can better myself in handling my marital/relationship problems. Whether or not advice is available I don't know but meh... anyways...

Without getting into too much detail... not only have there been religious issues, but society doesn't like us together. It's taboo, a stigma, or whatever, and taps into other people's insecurity for reasons I simply don't completely understand. Now sure, "who cares about what people think?" Yes? 

I just so happened to have built a house in the middle of town where such mentalities are very common. And also due to reports of a local gang out and about hating on couples like us, I've come to be a bit more careful (and perhaps paranoid) for the safety of my family in regards to the whole thing.

As a result when we go out together I always make sure we don't give people the impression that we're actually married, the way I see it, ignorance is bliss, best folks don't know, hence less dramas. Unfortunately as you can expect, it's not working out, I reject any public advances/affection even if no one is around. Leave the loving for home, in public, we are just friends.

This isn't a critical issue at present, but it's always been an issue. How does one exactly deal with this? Either then of course moving - which is in discussion (more like arguments), but no decision has been solid on this issue as of yet. Considering the current issues at play, I probably won't end up having to deal with this anyway, but how about future relationships? I don't know.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

I don't know either but what I would probably do is move to a place where people don't care about your religion and respect your choices as long as they do not harm others.
About future relationships, you'll need to be open and put everything that's on your mind on the table from the very beginning and see how you can compromise and deal with your differences ..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ah, but when it comes to moving - I'm in the same boat as you! heh (you actually reminded me of this)

Religion is another seperate issue (and current one), this one is just the culture really.


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

in my case, it's not only taboo. public display of affection is actually illegal, so none of that for us either, unless you're feeling dangerous and naughty, then it's kind of exciting to sneak around lol
I'm sorry to see that religious issues are getting to you, though. i don't know what religious backgrounds you two come from and how different they are but i'm sincerely hoping you don't let it break you. Religion is meant to make your life easier, not that much harder.

as for the lovin', it IS better in the privacy of your own (preferably soundproof) bedroom imo. but how bad is it out there? can you hold hands or hug?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Illegal?! Heck, I think for you it's even worse lol! At least for us it's only this one screwed up area. Dangerous and naughty was fun when we weren't married, after marriage for 2 years now and with a daughter trying to settle down, meh. Now it's a problem. Religious issues are in the process of getting solved, right now it's just our location.

Holding hands and hugging gets everyone staring and giving us the evils in this area, we never go out in this area with all 3 of us (me, the missus and our daughter) - there was once in a restaurant on a table near us a bunch of blokes just stared at us like they were going to start something, I took my family and left without finishing our meal. Further into the city people just don't give a sh-t, but here she's a "race traitor" though she's not even of their "race" - just looks it and I "stole" one of "their women", and produced a... meh I don't want to remember what some said about my kid.

I'm going to post an update on my settling/nomadism thread in regards to moving.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

that is sooo ignorant in this day and age. theres much more important things to worry about than someones skin color.

but i do understand where you are at. my husbands mother didnt find like me until the exact moment she found out i wasnt 100% black. if she knew i was large part german. HA!

she almost didnt fully accept out frist born. i even had neighbors who didnt like me [i was a child] because i was black or because i had a white mother.

its hateful and its wrong. i feel for you, and hope you are safe. please move. you will never change the minds of the ingorant.

be safe..all of you....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I know 

I've been nagging the missus to dye her black but all that does is piss her off, she already has the dark eyes to match, her features can't be helped however. She feels rejected, and unappreciated but hell. She's just too stubborn, and unwise in this as some fights are just not worth fighting. Religious differences again - she has her faith, I'm more of a realist.

If only we didn't build a house here yet it was the exact same issue that made me build a house here in the first place - mother-in-law was always saying how my people are "barbarians" and "evil" and "drunks" and that I'm even "pagan" "demon worshipper" and as I didn't have a degree I wouldn't amount to sh-t. So I build a house here (just to shut her up) seeing as how further away from the city it's SO MUCH cheaper for big house but at the same time more ethnic-owned-territories.

All this is rather stupid really. Only wish people will treat people as individuals rather then race this and race that all the time. I don't even know how I'm going to stay out of jail if people harass my daughter when she grows up. The missus believes that she will have to learn how to cope with racialism just as we learnt how to cope with it but I don't agree with her predicament.

Should I send my daughter off to war just so she can learn how to avoid bullets flying around?! Bah, nothing getting anywhere.


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

the worst thing is you can't argue with stupid! ignorant people are always moving, fearing and judging in herds and are nearly impossible to change. for what it's worth, you're changing the world as we speak and your daughter will grow up knowing nothing of this racism and ridiculous discrimination, hopefully.
do NOT cope >=| live the life you want for your family or lose your mind trying lol
i really hope you get to move out of this place before anything worse happens. if all else fails, you could print out your TaM discussion about this for her to read, maybe it'll give her a clear idea of how important this is to you, moving and everything


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## Tru2mself (Sep 3, 2010)

Believe me, you are already making a big difference in the world , thats how minds are changed : one at a time !


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

I am confused, what race are you both? Are you in America? In this day and age of acceptance I wonder who is so terrible to you for marrying outside your "people"?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jebus Crispy... have you any idea how old this thread is? >.<

Yes it's still a problem but hell, let it die... please =/


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

(With apologies to RandomDude as I see he wants it to die but I am going to chime in anyway...)

Personally, I think you are partly to blame for your wife and your issues. Easier saying this from afar, but I would sooner be attacked by a lynch mob than to hide my affections for my wife. We are from different backgrounds, as well (I am Latino and she is Middle Eastern), but, look similar enough to where it is not an issue and plus live in an area that is well represented by both Latinos and Middle Eastern people. 

But, even if that was not the case, I cannot imagine that I would ever want to act like I was not married to the person I am. The only time I was ashamed of who I was with was when my first wife stopped taking care of herself, gained 100+ pounds and looked like a bum, all while cruising around town in a top of the line new Jaguar that I bought her. THAT was embarrassing and eventually led to me walking out on the marriage.

In my first marriage, also to a Middle Eastern woman (what can I say, I am like a magnet for Middle Eastern women as I look more Middle Eastern than Latino yet I am not as uptight and controlling as a Middle Eastern man), my in-laws were a real pain in my a$$ and basically disowned her for the first 5+ years of our relationship and the father would even occasionally make racist type innuendos about Latinos in front of me and even after we were married, her stupid f***ing uncles would tell racist jokes, many that included Latinos...and the very first word I learned in their language was the racist slur for a black person when I kept hearing them use that one particular word over and over again and enquired what it meant.

Only 6 years into the relationship, when the in laws realized I wasn't going anywhere did the parents half accept the relationship, but their exact words were "you two have embarrassed us long enough and now it is time for you to get married!" (never mind that we asked permission to marry 3 or 4 years earlier only for them to tell us both to f*** off and she did not want to elope or marry without their blessing).

There is a coming punchline in that following our divorce, my ex-wife hooked up with and married another Latino but not a 3rd generation American like me but a guy who had been here for just a few short years and who spoke only limited English (my ex-wife was fluent in Spanish and loved everything about the Latino culture). I can only think that they wish they had their Latino Light son-in-law back as opposed to the real deal of a Latino. lol

Anyway, I would never ask my wife to pretend to be something other than she is or alter her appearance. Fortunately, my new in laws, despite being from the same country, and in this country for even less time than my former in laws, totally accepted me from the beginning and my ethnicity has never been an issue. 

The only time there is trouble is when I make a joke about her people and sometimes she gets pissed off, especially if there is anyone else around (then the gloves come off and she goes for blood!). But, more and more, I try to be sensitive to this and she knows that I love her culture and I even took her back to her motherland earlier this year, a place she had never visited as her great grandparents? fled while it was being taken over by the USSR but now is, once again, an independent state.

Maybe, Random Dude, by standing up to the powers that be, you would have been surprised that there would have been some acceptance mixed in there along with all the disapproval but because you speak in riddles and have not disclosed the differences, it is hard to see what you are talking about, exactly. Anyway, best of luck to you and if this does not work out for you, then you are probably best off finding someone new who you ARE able to parade around town with and not be either ashamed or afraid to be seen with as your partner.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Our family's racialism we could handle very well. Racially, we are traditional enemies, religiously I am the "demonic worshipper" and she is the "saint". But over time I have proven them all the fool, they thought a "barbarian" coming from a people falsely propagated as "bloody thirsty savages" wouldn't amount to sh-t, yet I made them all bite their words. My wife has also done her part, proving to my family and ethnic that she is more of a TRUE ******* woman with the same strength and spirit then any of them can ever hope to be.

But those issues lie outside of our present environment, who somehow believe I have "stolen one of their women"... pffft! Family isn't the issue here, it's almost everyone here in ******* central. There are exceptions, I'm not blind to that, my neighbours in particular have been very kind and they too are sick of the racialist climate in this area.

Other areas of the city are much more multicultural and accepting, not to mention safer. Here we are endangered, someone also reminded me of an incident of a drive-by resulting in a shattered beer that could have injured my daughter while we were all walking together. At that time I considered it minor as no one was hurt, but hell was I p-ssed. Too bad there was no redlights. Still remember that time I banged on the window trying to get these f--kwits out of the car and they drove through a redlight. No no, I'm not going to break the window, they can sue me for that.

It's minor, but it's still a reminder that much worse can happen if we don't continue to lay low. Even if I was to stand for the rights of my family - which I did, I still ended up going to court for assault/grievous bodily harm (they even tried to pin me for attempted murder) over my reaction to racists against our child. I do not have the luxury of a good temper either.

Nor do I have the luxury of a clean criminal record. The magistrate rules with the racists in their favor as they have done. I've lost enough money, and I will not risk another encounter. I also trained myself in grappling and to avoid strikes. I learnt how to inflict the same pain without leaving them evidence to cry about to the police.

I do not trust these streets, I do not trust these people, and I sure as hell do not trust my own temper when my family is threatened. I will NOT risk another court charge, and I will NOT go to jail again. Getting my wife to dye her pisshead black is not because I'm trying to change her. She's already f--king mixed, what happened with her hair though I'll never know, but I want us to lay low.

I grew up on the streets, I know how it is, but I'm not going to play hero and let my wife and daughter suffer for it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Though sure, my wife is suffering being unable to hold me in public, I already offered her the alternative of moving but she's f--king stubborn.

And no, I do not f--king trust the law.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I know you want the thread to die, but I wanted to chime in and offer up my two cents. I think it is absolutely ludicrous that your family has/is dealing with this issue especially in this day and age. It is so beautiful in my eyes when I see races mix, it literally brings a smile to my face when I notice couples of mixed races out, a part of me thinks the world is growing up finally!! But then I see threads like this and I realize it's not true everywhere, people are holding on to racism like it's the law sometimes, it's sickening. And it's so unfortunate that others can't see past skin color. 

My H was racist (family upbringing, I was raised NOT racist thankfully!). He would throw derogatory comments around like it was nothing. At first, it didn't bother me too much, just annoyed me. When my kids were born 3 years ago, I started getting on him the minute he would open his mouth with any kind of racist remark about anything! I'll be damned if my kids are going to continue the cycle of hate. 

I had an experience in college and I had to sneak around just to go to the movies with my date, we were a mixed race. He was popular, I was popular, but us together were not. This was in a small college town in Georgia some 15 years ago. 

I wish you and your family the best.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

I can relate to this as well. My family never excepted that I had married a black man. When I got pregnant, my grandma asked what I was planning to do about THAT mistake.
Needless to say, I only talk to my sister now and my daughter knows none of her family. What a shame! I think family is very important.
My family doesn't seem to like ANY race, including their own. We are mexican but my family will say they are french.?...I don't get it either.
It's sad when people even in 2011, soon to be 2012 can't get past the color of a persons skin. Charactor is how I tend to view a person. Are they honest, trustworthy, respectible people trying to do the "right" thing? That's all that should really matter

I wish you and your family the best. Never be ashamed of the family you have...Some people have none. 
Merry Christmas!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I married a hispanic lady and only get negative looks when I venture out to the hispanic communities. But they are pretty tame due to my size...it has it's advantages.

RD - I get what you're saying man. Sometimes the brave thing to do is NOT stand up. Sometimes it's better to do nothing.


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