# Update - my wife is doing what must be done, finally!!!!



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It took my wife nearly 14 years of marriage to get it.

She admitted to me today, the main reason she has a low sex drive and doesn't want sex, is because of her size, making her insecure and not feel sexy. So all the e book reading and doing the MAPP, 180, etc. I've done didn't do much because she is insecure due to her size!!!

So for the last few months, she has lost 10 lbs already. I even am noticing how her large clothes are starting to fall down and are fitting loosely.....

I've told her, she looks hot and wow, what a difference. My wife then tells me, she is just starting with the weight loss and this gets even better.....come New Years, January, she is going back to the gym!!!!

I am so happy, I'm really beyond words right now. I said, we should do the love language quiz and she actually agreed, so in a short while, we will do the quiz and compare our love languages.

The trick for her to lose 10 lbs in 2 months, was finding out how many calories she needs to lose, maintain and gain weight. Now that she knows, she eats around 1400 calories a day, spread out and she looses 1 - 2 lbs per week. She isn't starving hungry and she loves the results she's getting. She has a slower metabolism.

If I imagine one year from now, she could be 50 - 60 lbs lighter. I would have a heart attack. I am already telling her she is my sexy mama.

Things are definitely looking up, finally.:smthumbup::smthumbup:

Will keep everyone updated.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Nice! Hopeful! Keep picturing her at her goal weight and maybe it will come true.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yah, maybe she just had enough of the clothes not fitting and not finding the clothes she wants and she isn't getting any younger, so time to finally change.

We just did the 5 love languages quiz together and the results make sense:

My wifee is mainly "Acts of Service" rating 12 and the rest is pretty much even.

I am mainly "Physical Touch" rating 12 and the rest is pretty much even, a little more quality time.

My wife and I talked about it and now I realize that when I try to please her sexually, she doesn't want or need it always. She may just want to please me and that makes sense "Acts of Service". And I love anything physical and sexual with her, so "Physical Touch" makes sense. I told my wife, I don't want to feel selfish when it comes to our sex lives, but if you want to please me more than me pleasing you, then so be it and she agrees.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yeah!! 

Cuddlebug...so glad to see things moving in a positive way for you.

You sound like a very loving and patient husband...hope the momentum continues!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Me too.

Sunday, while my wife works, I will do some chores, without being asked, so when she gets home, all done and I will buy a surprise dinner for her, before she gets home from work. Healthier food we can eat together.

And we just had sex and she did the "Acts of Service" big time. All I could really do is massage her back and arms while she went to town on me, oral and PIV.

When the weight really starts to come off and she can wear those sexy clothes she's always wanted to wear, goes to the gym as of January, gets her confidence up, then hopefully, her sex drive will increase a lot and I can do things to her.


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

remember this feeling, this mindset and don't let it go.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I will definitely try and keep it up.

Just finished watching UFC with my wifee and now she wants to know, if I want to go with her to see a major comedian coming to our city. We saw Russell Peters last time and tried to get John Pinette, but he canceled his show.

I surprised her today with an iPod Touch 32GB and a clock radio that's a dock / charger for iPod Touch and iPhone 5's. At first she was mad because she doesn't like me spending a lot of money on her but then I showed her all the work benefits and music, pics, vids, texting and apps and now she loves it.

She was also asking me which gym she should attend and in the end, we settled on the one closest to our place.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

MissScarlett likes this! :smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'll be decorating our place for Christmas Sunday and maybe do some shopping. Get the "Christ"mas theme going, and I love the led lightning because it adds such a warm relaxing feeling.

Weird in our city because its +4'C and green still.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

That's fantastic news Cuddlebug, 10 lbs in 2 months ... well done Mrs Cuddlebug .... and the two of you are having a lovely time between the sheets, I'm really pleased for you.

I am getting the Christmas theme going too Cuddlebug, me and oldest son are going to put the tree up when he gets up, and I bought a Christmas wreath and candles yesterday .... I love Christmas


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

CuddleBug said:


> I'll be decorating our place for Christmas Sunday and maybe do some shopping. Get the "Christ"mas theme going, and I love the led lightning because it adds such a warm relaxing feeling.
> 
> Weird in our city because its +4'C and green still.


:smthumbup:

Where I live Christmas is in the middle of summer... 25+ deg cel...
Santa comes to the santa parade in beach shorts...on a surf board.

It's doing it together that counts!


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

I was in the same boat. My wife told me we didn't have sex cause she was fat. So she lost weight and looked AMAZING !!
Then she still hated sex and told me she was scared she'd get pregnant. So I resolved that issue and got good birth control. Still no sex.... 
so watch out for the bait & switch


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

This is a really awesome post. Good luck to both of you. You seem like a top couple.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Congratulations Cuddlebug! If anyone deserve its you. That's so awesome! 

Don't you just LOVE Christmas! We're put our tree up today. We still have 50 boxes to unpack from our move but we unpack what we need and put the rest out of sight. I will unpack one or two each day but we going to enjoy the holidays with our new baby first Christmas. 

Will you go to the gym with your wife? Anyway I wish herGREAT success.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'm going into our crawl space and decorating our place soon and maybe do some shopping in a bit. Lots of fun.

My wife is going to a gym that is more catered to non weight training, like cardio, swimming, running, etc., and its a lot closer too. Maybe a 5 - 6 minute drive away.

I don't think I'm in the bait and switch situation because when we first got married, she was already low sex drive and a larger girl. Over the 14 years of marriage, she got a lot bigger and the sex was about the same. Now that she is loosing the weight and getting back in shape, she will be able to do the things and buy the clothes she's never done before. It's not like we've been together for a few months or 1 - 2 years. We've been married and together for almost 14.5 years, so we've grown, fought and learned together. Bait and switch would be she now wants sex all the time instead of very little.

I was even mentioning to her, all the things I want to do with her and in the shower and she knows I can't wait until 1 - 2 years from now......

All night, she was cuddling up to my back, and when I moved away to try and get some sleep, she gives me a womanly moan and moved over to cuddle up to my back again. She almost didn't go to work because she didn't want to get out of bed this morning.

Instead of always seeming I'm complaining about my marriage sex life situation, I thought, time to focus on the positive changes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CuddleBug said:


> *I thought, time to focus on the positive changes.*


 What a great report Cuddle Bug ....you know what they say...if you do something consecutive for *17 days straight*, it becomes a HABIT... so if she can continue down this path... things will really be looking UP..... 



> *I am already telling her she is my sexy mama.*


 ...There you go.. keep this going....it's very encouraging...you are a big part of her continuing on her quest ...sexy words of affirmation/ admiration / validation... it's like a lifeline when one has felt insecure in an area....like she has...

This will feed her feedback loop to seeing all the positives on the road she is on..and enjoying the getting there.. how important this is too....

Not sure of her age... but you know what they say about women getting older, the sex drive goes up a little... sometimes A LOT... .with the weight loss, a happy encouraging husband by her side...reviving the affection/ emotional connection....you might just have to break out some shades...

Let's hope...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Wow man you deserve the patient husband of the year award. I used to read your posts and feel sorry for you two but your dedication to your wife always shone through.

I really wish the both of you all the best, onwards and upwards and time to really enjoy what life has to offer now  Well done.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

waiwera said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> Where I live Christmas is in the middle of summer... 25+ deg cel...
> Santa comes to the santa parade in beach shorts...on a surf board.
> ...


prawns and cold leg ham... yum! Kids riding bikes in the street on XMas morning. Its the best


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It was almost +5'C today. Definitely doesn't feel like Christmas, more like Spring because a lot of plants are starting to bud and grow.

What if after my wifee gets in shape and starts getting out of her shell, she gets a sex drive in her early 40's, like many here say???

Her birthday is Dec 13 and she'll be 35. We got married when she was 20.5 and I was 25.5 years old.

Today, when she got home from work, dishes done, bed made, outside raked clean, Christmas decorations up and new ones bought (love those real wax led candles) and I went to M&M Meats and bought only what she can eat, gluten free and mainly dairy free foods and some of the meals are low calorie ones, all with her in mind. She's happy and eating supper now.

No sex tonight because I got sex two nights in a row.......give myself and her a sex break. Maybe Monday or Tuesday again....

She showed me just now, how her plants are getting baggy and loose from the weight lose.

The cat is getting into the Christmas decorations and my wifee is yelling.......(lol), gotta run for now....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Other reasons I really like and respect my wife. She doesn't flirt or have EA or PA with co-workers. She is trustworthy.

If I'm a jerk, she doesn't read more books and go out of her way to please me even more......that would be spineless and lame. She lets me know when I've done wrong and not making herself feel as if it were her fault when it was mine.

Our marriage is pretty much 50 / 50, in all aspects. It's not all me or all her doing the work, bills, etc. We both work full time jobs and thus equally contribute to our goals.

If I found out my wifee had an EA and PA and was planning on leaving me, until I caught her, I would of been gone yesterday. If she did that, this would be an immediate deal breaker and no brainer. If I still took her back, I would be the spineless one and deserve everything that's coming to me at that point.

I've told my wife to speak her mind on any topic and not to be uncomfortable and she is starting to do this, a good thing.

Things are going great and I really hope she gets a sex drive increase by the time she is in her early 40's....lots of sex time to make up.

But I have to learn to give her space and not always physical attention, just because I am physical and she is the serving type. Love languages really helped.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

This morning, before we left for work, as I was bending over to put away bowls, etc., my wife comes behind me and poked and grabbed my bum. She doesn't do this, so i was pleasantly surprised. Of course I returned the favor. Things are looking up for sure.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Congrats! It is good to read success stories.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Congrats!!!! Great to hear the progress!!! Keep up the positive reenforcement!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I will try my best on the positive re-enforcement, but without being obvious.

When my wifee gets home from work, my usual minimal chores all done and ready for cuddling on the couch. Recycling, mail, newspaper, and garbage, done.

And it did snow today -3.5'C but more like powder in our city.

Time to warm up on the couch and wait for the wifee.....


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I love to read good news. There is not nearly enough of it around here. I especially love to here it from long term posters of usually bad news. As my wife recently had a similar awakening to your wife's I definitely know how your feeling. And my wife's primary love language is also the same as your wife's. So now I do chores whenever my time permits or she is getting overwhelmed. Definitely something something new for me. But the results are worth the effort and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Keep up the good work. I happy for you and your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx.

Last night, wife comes home and I tell her its cuddle time. She tells me, only 5 minutes, I'm busy. 30+ minutes later......still cuddling, watching tv together, laying down, under the blanket on the couch.

Funny thing, our female cat like to cuddle on me too, so when my wife beats her to it, she gets mad and starts getting into things, to my wifee off the couch and then on she goes.

Tonight will be "us time" as we call it. Sex 3x in the last 5 days versus 1x in the month.:smthumbup:


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm happy for you Cuddlebug. Your wife sounds like she had a rough childhood and doesn't have much self esteem, but she is trying to improve her life. The side effect is that she is becoming more sexual and that helps your relationship.

From what you posted about your story, the better she feels about herself the more open she is to her sexuality. This is true for most women. Also, I like your approach to the situation, not to pushy and keeping in mind her love language .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yah, she did have a rough childhood, through high school and even her university days. Hearing she's fat and won't amount to much, made her focus all on work and school and not much else.

The love language quiz was the main thing that got us more connected because we now know what each others needs truly are and no more me trying to please her when she isn't that type of a person. And I have to learn not to be too physical with her because I am the physical type.

For her upcoming birthday, Dec 13, I am going to play the movie Armageddon with our song in it. She will like this because she hasn't heard it in such a long time. And romantic card and 1 flower in a vase, not a huge bunch because she tells me she doesn't want flowers. I'll place this in living room, so after I'm at work, she will be home and have a nice surprise and movie when I get home later.


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

I am so happy for you, CB!!!!!!


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Great news!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx.

Wifee gets home after I got home from work.

She changes into jeans she wore way back when she was lighter and I commented, bammm, you look good. She says, I'm just starting and I have a long ways to go. I still tell her, baaam, looking good. She then bent over to pick up some work papers and check her phone for texting, right in front of me, so I couldn't resist and doggie styled right up behind her.....She didn't slap me away or move or get angry. She liked it!!! She gets back later, cuddling, kissing, watching tv together. Sex later........ Sex 3x in the last 5 days now. Never had that since day I we got married!!!

Now what is the million dollar question that got her to start watching her calories and loose the weight, gym in January, start wanting sex a lot more, wearing clothes when she was thinner, etc.? I'm still trying to figure it out. Could be she had enough of being big and realized she is 35 now. Maybe its her getting closer to 40 and getting a sex drive boost like many here have posted???


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Just got fantastic sex, watched some tv with the wife, had steaks, popcorn and now going to bed.

Wife was really getting into the sex mood in bed too.

Now its time for me cuddling and nighty night.


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

If she gets a boost in her libido like the one I got when I turned 40....I am scared for your health, CB! You better start weight training and building up your stamina


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Great job on the encouragement!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I hope this is the beginning of her sex drive boost because I have 14 years to make up.:smthumbup:

I try to encourage her daily but not be obvious about it.

Tonight, its just cuddling, no sex, unless she's in the mood. She likes doggie and moves herself side to side so I hit her walls. She also loves it when her legs are together and mine are on the outside doing missionary.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

This morning my wifee wore new makeup, on her eye lashes and lids, lipstick and she was wearing my fav vanilla smelling perfume. I told her she smells really good and I like the makeup. She liked that, kissed and off we went to work. I would say, she normally never ever does this.


Paranoid question on my part.

Does anyone think my wifee is seeing someone on the side???


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> This morning my wifee wore new makeup, on her eye lashes and lids, lipstick and she was wearing my fav vanilla smelling perfume. I told her she smells really good and I like the makeup. She liked that, kissed and off we went to work. I would say, she normally never ever does this.
> 
> 
> Paranoid question on my part.
> ...


It is possible but if I was you, I would just focus on the positive. If you find out later that she is, then that is a whole new ball of wax.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> This morning my wifee wore new makeup, on her eye lashes and lids, lipstick and she was wearing my fav vanilla smelling perfume. I told her she smells really good and I like the makeup. She liked that, kissed and off we went to work. I would say, she normally never ever does this.
> 
> 
> Paranoid question on my part.
> ...


No Cuddlebug, I don't think your wife is seeing someone on the side. She is rediscovering herself, she is losing weight, feeling good about herself, her confidence has been boosted and as a result she feels sexy, you are telling her she is sexy, you are appreciating her, she feels even better, she feels loved, she wants you, she wants sex, she is having sex, she is enjoying it, she is wanting more .... it's all good, enjoy it and keep doing what you're doing


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After reading so many posts about affairs, I would be a little paranoid when my wifee starts suddenly doing all these positive changes. If my wife didn't want sex at all, then I could say she is seeing someone else, but now the sex has gone from 1 - 2x month to 3 - 4x week, so I guess I am over-reacting.

I will keep up making her feel loved and being supportive of her efforts. Doing little chores here and there so she can relax when she gets home.

I added batteries to all the lit candles after work and she likes the warm touch it adds to our living room / dining room.

Time to give her a hug and kiss.......


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Keep up the great progress. CB after 20 yrs of waiting once the changing happened in my marriage it was great...stay on it though. Once life throughs you two a curve ball, it can be real easy to get distracted andyou slide back into old habits. This is a life style change...it is something you have to constantly work on and focus on if you want to keep. Talk about it with her....remind her how important your relationship is and its priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx. I will try.

This morning, my wife tells me how she's using the drying machine and hair dryer to try and shrink her clothes due to her weight loss. I snuck up behind her and gave her a behind cuddle hug. Or when I hug her from the front, I place my hands in her rear pockets and pull her in.

What I do is when she gives me a kiss as we are going to our cars, I quickly slip her my tongue.....she's says, ewww, and giggles, I can't believe you did that.

Tonight she is going out with her sister for toy shopping, so I have the place to myself, sweet.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx man:smthumbup:

Steve Austin (WWE), good old days and The Rock.....good times.

If my wife really gets a high sex drive boost, almost every day, I will be beyond words.

She's out tonight with her sis Christmas shopping.

One thing she does, she brings out clothes and jackets and models them for me, which one should I wear?

I pick the one that looks the best on her, but I also told her, she needs to go shoe shopping.....maybe I shouldn't of said that?!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After work, did some cuddling on the couch, some foreplay and the wifee was dosing off with my penis in her hand.....so I called it quits and went upstairs to do some computering. When she came to bed, she was all over me, it was an intense sex night and she did everything. So when you don't get sex or are worked up and the spouse falls asleep, tired, you make sure they know you're angry and leave them be. You have to stand your ground on certain issues, otherwise, this will never change. Once you stand your ground, for my wifee anyway, she goes sex crazy on me, so in this situation, it works fantastic.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wifee has told me, today, she has lost 13 lbs now. She has never been this determined and focused to get in shape, awesome!!

And all from eating 1100 - 1400 calories a day, blood type diet, small meals every 3 - 4 hours.

I bought her more iPod accessories today, so when she goes upstairs, she will see an iPod Touch arm strap, clear rubber protective cover and adapter, so she can use her powerful stereo system. I know I will hear, I didn't need that, but its part of my way to show her I love her.

Now we are cuddling on the couch and watching UFC.:smthumbup:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Makes me feel good reading this. Sounds like you wife is really making an effort. My wife and I have recently had a similar turn around except your wife is putting in more effort than mine and your getting slightly more sex than me. I'll take it though. In 20 years of marriage things have never been better. 

We recently got Netflix and its made for hours and hours of cuddle time on the couch with her. Last night was the best yet ending with a prety intense make out session.  that time if the month, so it stopped there. 

And you know what was a real surprise. Over the weekend my teen age daughter came to me and said that she had noticed the direction our marriage had been heading and thanked me for putting in the extra work to save it. She said it was obvious who was putting in the most effort. That warmed my heart. Who says kids today don't care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Instead of always seeming I'm complaining about my marriage sex life situation, I thought, time to focus on the positive changes.


That's what it is right there, IMO. You're focusing on the positives, and focusing your love towards each other. Really nice to read a thread like this. 

Both of you keep up the good work.


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

I'm thrilled for you and the missus OP! :smthumbup:


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

That's good news CB!
I'm on the Paleo diet and it's working well, I don't have to watch it that close even and the weight has going 1-2 lbs a week except the thanksgiving holiday set me back a couple #'s lol. 
The biggest change I noticed came from the following:

Breakfast-Whatever you want....eggs, bacon, sausage...but pass on the bread muffins cereal etc etc.

Lunch-Lean meat and veggies. I've been smoking and freezing a bunch of chicken breasts and then having it with stir fry veggies often.

Dinner- Give it to your enemy. The less the better...light soup and salad, fruit plate, or sliced veggies.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wife loves it when she cuddles on me, my arm around her, under the blanket on the couch, watching X-Factor, The Voice or Big Bang Theory.

I will keep on updating everyone here on how things are progressing.

I've been on the Blood Type Diet for around 15 years now and I feel great. My wife does this diet too and has much greater changes for her body for weight loss than me. Plus if I eat red meat now, I feel tired, sluggish, oily and crappy. If I have wheat products I get wheat bloated belly. Pasteurized dairy gives me the flem in my throat reaction.

She also loves the Christmas wreaths I bought. One on the outside and the other for the inside of our front door. Martha Stewart, good stuff.

Now my wifee is getting her teeth finally done and a few have to be pulled first before she gets the braces. All the things she's talked about for 14 years of marriage and me pushing her, she is finally doing.:smthumbup:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

The teeth thing can be a big deal. My wife used to have two huge teeth in the middle with large gaps on either side. Dentist pulled them and made her a permanent three tooth bridge that filled the gap. She felt so much better about her self and smiled a lot more after that was done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

CuddleBug, does your wife know about MyFitnessPal.com? It's a calorie tracker phone app/website with a really great forum full of people to cheer you on and give advice, I use it and love it!  I cannot recommend that site enough for people getting in shape the ol' fashioned way.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Now my wifee is getting her teeth finally done and a few have to be pulled first before she gets the braces. All the things she's talked about for 14 years of marriage and me pushing her, she is finally doing.:smthumbup:


That's great. My teeth bugged me for years. I had braces as a child but they never told us about retainers back in the day so the teeth moved.

Finally had mine rebraced last year and I am so happy with the results. It really made a massive difference to me, even though others said they had never really noticed my teeth.

Just bear in mind that braces are uncomfortable and don't look good (unless she is going for the invisible trays and even those are a hassle and uncomfortable) so you will need to be extra supportive and patient while she's having treatment.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yah, I'm glad she is getting her teeth done because it was one of her main life goals she always put off. I don't notice her teeth at present but she does, so a few are being pulled to make room and she is getting clear braces that you can't really see.

Myfitnesspal.com? I will pass it on to her then, thx.

My wife was complaining in a good way again how her pants are way too loose......and of course I grab her bum

Time for sex again tonight.:smthumbup:

She farted last night, so I said, I could plug the hole....she smiles and giggles this time, exit only, were as before she would get very defensive and angry about the notion of anal sex......


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Another thing my wifee has never done to me ever. 
I was in the computer room on the chair and she walked in. I wanted to hug so she bent over and instead put my face in her breasts. I was shocked, so I went with it and grabbed her breasts and put my face in them like crazy. She liked it and didn't get mad or pull away.......


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Another thing my wifee has never done to me ever.
> I was in the computer room on the chair and she walked in. I wanted to hug so she bent over and instead put my face in her breasts. I was shocked, so I went with it and grabbed her breasts and put my face in them like crazy. She liked it and didn't get mad or pull away.......


If you didn't motorboat, just turn in your card on the way out the door.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

heh, no motor boating, only me putting my face in her breasts again and massaging them with my hands and no complaints on her end.:smthumbup:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

CB I daily look forward to your next post and what new thing your wife does for you. Through the words test you write it is easy to see the smile on your face and renewed love in your heart. I wish you and your wife all the best in your journey to rebuild your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Right now my wifee is not feeling well, so I cuddled with her on the couch after work yesterday and we both fell asleep for about 1 hour. She felt great and loved it.

I have Armageddon ready to watch because its our movie with our song, so after work Friday, her birthday, we cuddle and watch the movie. I will surprise her with a romantic card (no sweets, her diet) and a few flowers because she tells me she doesn't want flowers.

I'm noticing her small silver bullet vib is being used because when I put her iPod touch accessories in her nightstand, it was moved and out of the package. That's good!!!:smthumbup: Probably get loving on Friday too.


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

uncool said:


> I was in the same boat. My wife told me we didn't have sex cause she was fat. So she lost weight and looked AMAZING !!
> Then she still hated sex and told me she was scared she'd get pregnant. So I resolved that issue and got good birth control. Still no sex....
> so watch out for the bait & switch


Not to mention it's a known phenomenon that frequently women who lose a lot of weight do become more sexual but not necessarily towards their husbands.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I hear yah and I will keep my eyes and ears open......

Tonight, after work, my wife surprises me with supper, then cuddles up to me, nice complete body rub down before I go to bed and maybe sex, but tonight I told her I'm tired, so no sex tonight, tomorrow. She laughed when she heard me say that, can I get that in writing....lol. :rofl:

Tomorrow is her birthday, but I won't get her sweets or anything that would be counter to her diet and changes. Just a romantic card and our movie together after I get home from work and lots of cuddling and sex.:smthumbup:


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm so glad to hear things are going well for you!! :smthumbup:


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If you have extra pounds as well, you might want to join her at the gym/diet...you dont want your hot petite wife to be married to a porker LOL...that doesnt bode well...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I used to be 165 lbs, now I'm around 225 - 230 lbs due to weight training. My wife also gained the same amount of weight, but not the good kind. Now she has already lost 13 lbs in 2 months and wants to lose more, so she can feel confident enough to go back to the gym in January.

I have a high metabolism, eat 4000+ calories to slowly gain or maintain, were as my wifee needs 1400 calories a day to maintain or slowly lose weight. We are totally different body types.

My wifee admits that most guys around my age don't look as good or are in good shape either and I look young for my age. She likes.

My wife went gift shopping today on her day off, so she is a little grumpy. Time for cuddling.......


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> CB I daily look forward to your next post and what new thing your wife does for you. Through the words test you write it is easy to see the smile on your face and renewed love in your heart. I wish you and your wife all the best in your journey to rebuild your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I must say I agree! I mean no offense but they sound so delightful. He's clearly thrilled and she sounds much more open and engaging which is probably a new thing for her. 
I feel like such an oversexed woman now. Whatever he's doing he seems to be doing it right. Woman can be so repressed sometimes almost fear that inner beast we typically all have but have been taught to believe should be kept in check.

I am a former military officer and as such spent a lot of time working around men. Some of them simply amazed me and you truly do learn they're not all of the same mindset. One man who I had a strictly platonic friendship with once expressed to me his disdain for woman who give oral sex (he was very Catholic). I asked him why that was knowing that I didn't share the same opinion as well as trying to understand the male brain--telling him I was under the impression that most men rather liked receiving oral sex from a woman.

He admitted that sure he liked it he could just never respect a woman who would lower herself that way and that while he felt it was just fine to get his **** serviced by a woman he didn't respect her and that no wife of his better ever have had a **** in her mouth. I swear I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I actually lost respect for him as even a friend. He could believe the act to be against his belief system (I could respect that part what I did not and could not respect was that he didn't see how despicable he was to use women to service him knowing what he thought about them for doing what they likely did to show him they liked and desired him.

Then I wind up marrying a Catholic. He wasn't like that guy but still had a way about him I learned made him feel ashamed of his own desires. Early on I met him one day for lunch and was really hot for him. I started rubbing myself in the car and suggested we stop at home on the way back to work for a quickie and he looked at me in disbelief and asked me what was the matter with me! Talk about feeling shamed and being made to think I was abnormal. I don't think I ever felt the same again. I don't know how we stayed married 24 years. 

Now I'm with a man who was also a non-catholic married to a very sexually repressed Catholic woman for 25 years. He claims to have had sex only a couple times a year for the first 10 years or so of his marriage that ended up being completely sexless for the last 15 ( he lived on masturbation as his only outlet-apparently being caught once by his wife who took offense and told him it was shameful and was cheating on her). I could not believe what I was hearing. While my marital sex life was boring and minimal it wasn't non-existent but something I wound up doing out if obligation fearing I'd be judged poorly if I admitted my true nature.

I swear to God I've died and gone to heaven being with this man who I've had more sex with in the past three years than either of us ever had in 24 and 25 years of marriage. I'm 52 and he's 54 and we have sex virtually every day, sometimes twice and on at least three or four occasions three times. And to think we both thought we were dead in that department. I find joy in simply listening to him snore next to me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Last night was a bit of a disaster but its all working out for Saturday night. I had surprised her with romantic printed birthday cards, so when she got up, nice surprise first thing in her morning. When I got home from work, she was grumpy. So I went to give her a hug and she didn't want to but did. This is her day off work. She is doing work stuff, laptop, cell and iPod Touch all going. We start cuddling and all these devices were on and her cell and iPod Touch were ringing almost every 10 minutes, totally ruining our nap and cuddle time. I was tired and that's the only time I have my mini after work naps and she knows this. Then she went upstairs to talk with her sister and parents for an hour or two. She came back downstairs and its getting late, so I went upstairs on the computer a little upset. She tells me, you can come down now, but I didn't and made her wait. Then I made myself supper. We cuddled on the couch afterwards but she fell asleep. Basically, from the time I got home from work to when I went to bed, was a wasted evening and I should of gone to the work Christmas party instead. So around 1:30am, my wife finally comes to bed (she watches tv on the couch) and initiates sex with me, while I'm half asleep. It was good but I could tell she did this because she feels bad she ruined the evening. So tonight, we are going to watch a movie or two, get some food, talk, cuddle and make up for a wasted Friday evening. She canceled her time out with her girlfriend too. I know if it was my birthday, I had the day off and she planed stuff for us and I did what she did, she would of been upset to say the least. All part of being married I guess and I was upset last night but not today. Sometimes there are bumps along the way and this was a bump. Live and learn and I'm sure we are better off for this situation. Her birthday is only one day of the year, she even had the day off work and this happens, not cool......

So tonight, no phone calls or texts, no work, eat together, cuddle, watch Armageddon "our movie and song" and go from there....


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If it was her birthday, she should be able to do what she feels like doing without being made to feel guilty. Why is her birthday all about you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lyris said:


> If it was her birthday, she should be able to do what she feels like doing without being made to feel guilty. Why is her birthday all about you?


I don't think you read his post correctly. She would have been really upset had the rolls been reversed. Most of marriage is togetherness.
Is your relationship distant? Separate birthdays and such?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lyris said:


> If it was her birthday, she should be able to do what she feels like doing without being made to feel guilty. Why is her birthday all about you?



You totally got this one wrong and missed what I was saying. My wifee knew we were going to have a romantic evening on that Friday. She was excited for it too.

Part of loving someone is planning, surprising and doing for them, without just doing whatever they want. See?

Would you like a surprise gift or just buy me that instead???

The surprise and doing it out of love is what its all about. The, just buy me this or do that isn't the same thing.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I don't think you read his post correctly. She would have been really upset had the rolls been reversed. Most of marriage is togetherness.
> Is your relationship distant? Separate birthdays and such?



You nailed it perfectly.:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

The only reason that I would act in a similar way towards my husband on my birthday would be if I was annoyed with him and being passive aggressively resentful. Which I don't do, but which is what might be going on here.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lyris said:


> The only reason that I would act in a similar way towards my husband on my birthday would be if I was annoyed with him and being passive aggressively resentful. Which I don't do, but which is what might be going on here.



My wifee isn't annoyed with me. Since we both took the 5 love languages quiz together, posted the results on the fridge, so we know each others needs, our marriage has changed a lot for the better. If my wifee told me beforehand, she doesn't want anything on her birthday and she's busy with work and I still did it, I would be wrong, annoying her and you are absolutely correct. But that is not what happened for us. She was eager for Friday night, I respected not to buy her flowers or get her chocolates (her diet). She gets into work too much at times and always caters to her family, eating into our time. She is trying though and slowly changing.


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## LVLOVER711 (Oct 27, 2013)

Have you actually asked her if she was annoyed. I am a women and I can tell you that would have not been a good birthday for me. Even if she was on a diet what was wrong with taking her out buying her a little gift. Going for a stroll in a park. It seems like this is what you wanted. I completely understand what Lyris was saying. Oh and just to add you acting passive aggressive because you were upset was not a way to act on her birthday. Remember it was her day and maybe she didn't want to do what you wanted.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

LVLOVER711 said:


> Have you actually asked her if she was annoyed. I am a women and I can tell you that would have not been a good birthday for me. Even if she was on a diet what was wrong with taking her out buying her a little gift. Going for a stroll in a park. It seems like this is what you wanted. I completely understand what Lyris was saying. Oh and just to add you acting passive aggressive because you were upset was not a way to act on her birthday. Remember it was her day and maybe she didn't want to do what you wanted.



You are in the wrong as well, clueless. *Read my posts and not just this one*.

*For my wife's birthday, gifts that I surprised her early, iPod Touch 32GB, 2 year warranty extension, protective cover, face cover, arm band, adapter for her older stereo and clock radio dock charger for her iPod Touch and iPhone 5 series. ($500 value)*.

My wife isn't the classic type of woman, lets go out, party, dancing, drinking, jewelry, bla bla bla., she would rather spend time with me alone, talking, cuddling, movies, hockey and UFC together, eating together, doing things together, more quiet, than loud and noisy. She is very frugal and not a party type high maintenance woman.

My wifee works a full time job / career, like I do and when she gets those 1 - 2 days off per week, she'd rather relax and with me than go out.

Read my posts on not just this one. Sometimes the posts here make me shake my head. Marriage is a mutual thing, not all about me or you, it's us.

Some ladies here are still doing the double standard thing. They can dish it but can't take it. They can do it, but they're hubby's can't. They can ruin an evening for them, but if their hubby's did that to them, and they planned the evening, different story.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

We just cuddled up on the couch, my wife's head under my chin, my arm around here and we watched our movie Armageddon 1998. She cried at times and especially when the AeroSmith song came on, which is our song. That meant more to her than just going out. Now we are going to make dinner. I went to M&M Meats and only bought foods that are good for her diet, I eat as she does to support her efforts you see and then we're watching maybe another movie, hockey and UFC. Relaxing evening together, talking, eating, closeness, very nice.

She is really starting to use her iPod Touch for going out and work now. I don't buy her useless gifts she wouldn't like or use. I am always looking to see what I can do to better her standard of living, as surprises because its my way of showing I love her. Never planned, predictable or get me this or that like a spoiled brat because it would mean nothing then.

She has lost 14 lbs now........


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Don't generalise your wife's behaviour on her birthday to all women please. 

And I don't deal in double standards. If your wife was on here complaining that you ignored the efforts she made for you on your birthday I'd say the same thing; that you sound resentful and passive aggressive over something. 

Actually reading back over your post, I can't see any plans that you made anyway, apart from the cards in the morning. Did you plan dinner for her? You mention cooking for yourself. You've mentioned before that your love language is physical touch and hers is acts of service. So all the napping together and cuddling on the couch is primarily for you anyway. 

What did you plan for the evening that didn't work out?


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## LVLOVER711 (Oct 27, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> You are in the wrong as well, clueless. *Read my posts and not just this one*.
> 
> *For my wife's birthday, gifts that I surprised her early, iPod Touch 32GB, 2 year warranty extension, protective cover, face cover, arm band, adapter for her older stereo and clock radio dock charger for her iPod Touch and iPhone 5 series. ($500 value)*.
> 
> ...



Actually I am a long time lurker and I have read many of your post CB. I can tell you from reading from the beginning that you have called your wife fat or overweight on many occasions. Complaining about your needs not being met. Her not being on the same wave length as you. Almost all of your post is about you or your needs. How built you are and how you wish your wife was as well. So I am not that clueless. And marriage is mutual but I am sorry going off of your post it seems like it is more for you. Sorry if that hit a nerve but I am just posting in what I am reading.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Don't generalise your wife's behaviour on her birthday to all women please.
> 
> And I don't deal in double standards. If your wife was on here complaining that you ignored the efforts she made for you on your birthday I'd say the same thing; that you sound resentful and passive aggressive over something.
> 
> ...



I am married for about 14 years now, been with my wifee for about 15 years.

I am the type of guy not to play games and ignore my wife's efforts, never have. Yet, in the past and somewhat recent past, she has to me. If I did that stuff to her, posted here about it, the responses I would get would be killer.....double standard.

I am not passive, but very aggressive type and usually takes no crap. I am not a mr. nice guy.

Marriage is 50 / 50 and not what she wants. It's what we want, surprises on both ends, waiting with anticipation, and taking care of each others needs equally as your own.

What I told my wife for her birthday a few weeks ago......dinner together, movies, cuddling, talking, romance, etc. and she was definitely game!!! She did not say, I'm not into that and would rather you take me out and buy me this or that....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

LVLOVER711 said:


> Actually I am a long time lurker and I have read many of your post CB. I can tell you from reading from the beginning that you have called your wife fat or overweight on many occasions. Complaining about your needs not being met. Her not being on the same wave length as you. Almost all of your post is about you or your needs. How built you are and how you wish your wife was as well. So I am not that clueless. And marriage is mutual but I am sorry going off of your post it seems like it is more for you. Sorry if that hit a nerve but I am just posting in what I am reading.


In the beginning, you are correct. I have learned and she has finally learned and got it. We made it through the rough times. Some of it was just talking and releasing frustrations, but we all know that.

First of all, you got that wrong too. If you read my posts, I have never called my wifee fat or over weight, EVER. Only on TAM have I vented and said those things. There's a big difference between the two.

I like that you speak your mind. That goes for all here as well. Learning.......female's perspective on things, whether they be correct or not.


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## LVLOVER711 (Oct 27, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> In the beginning, you are correct. I have learned and she has finally learned and got it. We made it through the rough times. Some of it was just talking and releasing frustrations, but we all know that.
> 
> First of all, you got that wrong too. If you read my posts, I have never called my wifee fat or over weight, EVER. Only on TAM have I vented and said those things. There's a big difference between the two.
> 
> I like that you speak your mind. That goes for all here as well. Learning.......female's perspective on things, whether they be correct or not.


I did mean on here you called her fat and overweight. You might not have called her that to her face but you thought it if you wrote it. Unless you are a great actor do you not think she picked up those thoughts. Something to think about. 

And maybe just maybe some of these women perspectives might be more correct than you thought to believe. :smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife got comfy in our marriage and let herself go, 60+ lbs......I did not and weight trained.

I have surprised her, planned evenings, and never ruined her plans or surprises but she has to me and since she is a woman, its not a big deal....

When you get married, you are to take care of your spouses needs as your own and not what you want anymore.

Marriage is literally 50 / 50.

My wife has got me worked up, even penis his her hand and fallen asleep a few times. I have never got her worked up and fallen asleep.

If I say to her, I'm not in the mood, maybe tomorrow, big mistake!!! But she can do this to me and its okay because she is a woman?!

I am the aggressor and initiator. She is the passive one and non initiator type.

I have had surprise dinners and cards, flowers before she gets up for work or gets home from work way more than she ever has done for me.

I do some chores, dishes, bills, finances, recycling, upgrades, every day and week without being asked. She never does this on her own initiative.

We both work full time jobs / careers, have our own cars, etc.

No kids yet, only a cat, which I adopted as a surprise for her during Christmas holidays 11 years ago.

If she told me, I have something planned for your birthday, don't go out after work, but I instead do work stuff, talk on the phone until late and then fall asleep early.....hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn...........


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Now I'm off for more cuddling on the couch, eating together, talking, some hockey, UFC and maybe another movie. She loves this together time more than, lets just go out and buy me this or that.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee told me tonight was one of her best nights for cuddling, watching movies together. I was even romantically feeding her, she gave me back rubs, and now she is cuddled out.

She is really happy and no texts, phone calls or going out with her girlfriend. She made the time for us, so she is getting it.:smthumbup:

I'm glad she's lost 14 lbs now and her clothes are loose fitting. I compliment her on how good she looks, sexy, lots of hugs and attention and she loves it. When I hug her, I put my hands in her pockets and pull her in and she falls into me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wife just got home from work.

I have made her fav meal, cabbage rolls, so she is very happy.

I pulled her in to passionately hug her, with my hands in her back pockets and she put her hands in my pants on my bum and pulled me in.

She's now lost 15 lbs..........when she hits 20 lbs, she's going to the gym, so January 2014.

I then gently held her cheek and gave her a long kiss.

She is changing.......out of her shell.......feeling better about herself.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After my wifee cut my hair, yes she cuts my hair in the bathtub, I stripped and went into the shower.

For the first time in our marriage, she stayed in the bathroom, taking off her makeup for the evening and I flirted with her, show some leg and play with my chest, hiding behind the bathroom curtain. She giggled, liked that and stayed and then left after she was done. That's never happened in our 15 years together, ever!!!!

Now we are having sex.......what changes she is making.

She also told me, she's lost the 15 lbs in SIX weeks and not over 2 months. Wow.

I complimented her on how much thinner she looks, her waist and bum and she liked it big time.:smthumbup:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

CB your post are a welcome bright spot in this place normally full of pain and resentment. 

It fun to watch you and your wife rediscover each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx.

This morning, wife comes down wearing those hoochie black dress pants and she aske me, how do I look? I tell her, you look hot, nice bum. We might have to stay home today..... She liked that and giggled. 

She is showing me more clothing always asking me what I think. I tell her, bam, looking good sexy mama. 

Whenever is kiss her now, I always hold her cheeks with both hands and give her a nice passionate long kiss and she doesn't squirm or move away anymore. She likes it.

I tell her she is starting to get an hour glass figure and she loves that.:smthumbup:

I think she's lost 15 - 16 lbs now. I always let her know I'm amazed with the results so far..............my sexy mama.

She still won't let me please her sexually much and its always her wanting to please me sexually. I hope that will change too.

It's her time of the month, for the week now and I indicated I'm in the mood......she said okay.......short time later, hand in my pants, good finger job and great BJ and swallows afterwards. I offered to get us something to eat. She is sticking to her diet and is making her own food. Good for her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update.

My wife has now lost 17 lbs in 7 weeks on a up to 1400 calories a day diet.

I've told her, man, you look sexy and starting to do the hour glass figure.

Right now, its her time of the month and I asked her, when can we have sex? She tells me Wednesday......I say, darn....with the 17 lbs you've already lost, I want you now. She smiles.....I hinted I'll have to use my hands until then or she will.....she smiles....

We both have holidays until the end of the month, so we're going to watch the hobbit, unexpected journey extended edition and then go to the theater and see The desolation of smaug.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee and I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.:smthumbup:


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

CB I just found this thread, and you've given me a big goony smile on my face. I haven't read anything so uplifting (PLEEZE pardon the pun....I just couldn't resist! ) in a very long time. Makes old guys like me jealous of you young guys. Reading about two people so obviously in love makes for a great day. Other guys should be so lucky (but then again, it's probably *not*luck.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

thummper said:


> CB I just found this thread, and you've given me a big goony smile on my face. I haven't read anything so uplifting (PLEEZE pardon the pun....I just couldn't resist! ) in a very long time. Makes old guys like me jealous of you young guys. Reading about two people so obviously in love makes for a great day. Other guys should be so lucky (but then again, it's probably *not*luck.



If it wasn't for everyone's advice from TAM and the 5 love languages quiz, my marriage could of been much closer to divorce. But since becoming a member on TAM, learning an incredible amount, MMAP, ebooks, 180, etc, etc., but the 5 love languages did more than everything else, my wife finally just got it a few months ago. 17 lbs in 7 weeks now.....sex 3x week instead of 1x month. No more hurry up, make it quick or its too late. We had sex at 12:30am, she was half asleep but this time, she still gave me a BJ and we had sex, her legs together (she likes that) mine on the outside and she grabbed my bum as I move up and down. Then she only put on a shirt but nothing else and we cuddled until she warmed up. Normally she wears socks, sweat pants, sweat shirt, etc. but not for the last few months. I just wanted to share back what everyone has given me and I will continue to update.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife has now lost 18 lbs in 2 months........fantastic and she is going strong.:smthumbup:

Tonight, cuddle time, UFC (Anderson Spider Silva) rematch and I'll buy some healthy un wraps for us.

Sex later.........who knows.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Great to hear CuddleBug!!! So glad to hear things are progressing in the right direction. Keep up the positive reinforcemenent!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx. I am giving my wifee lots of positive encouragement and support.

I will continue to update TAM, as my way of saying "thanks to everyone."

Now she is getting ready to go back to the gym.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After we had sex, again......I went to M & M Meats and got their new not released gluten and dairy free menu and I bought foods accordingly for my wifee. Lots of cuddling.....talking......watched UFC 168.........Anderson Spider Silva snapped his lower leg in half from a kick that bent in half like a chicken wing!!!! I still have that image in my mind and my wifee is gross!!!! Poor Anderson because this is a career ender for him, 7 years undefeated champ. Anyway, then she got up under the blanket, so I grabbed her bum and pulled her on top of me, while I was sitting on the couch. She loved that, under the blanket. She was giggling and she's never done that in 14 years either. Now I'm off to give her a back rub because its bedtime for her. Cheers for now.

One thing she mentioned was she wants to look like the female fighters from UFC. Then she tells me, I'll never look like that. I told her, you've already lost 18 lbs in 2 months without even going to a gym yet. This will take years to do. Imagine 3 years from now. You could be close to what the female fighters look like, if you want to do it. I told her, she would look super sexy and I like the toned fit look. She likes that and its my way to positively encourage her.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CB, I'm glad to hear that your wife is losing weight and getting healthy and putting more effort into your relationship. I'm sure it's fantastic to see.  You sound like you're being very supportive of her weight loss and sexual curiosity, and that you're letting her know how much you appreciate it. That's really awesome. Building trust is incredibly important in this stage, and it sounds like she's opening up to that trust.

I have one concern though...how are _you_ meeting _her_ needs on a daily basis? Even in your cuddle time, which she says she loves, it sounds like the focus is more on you than her. You may just not be mentioning it here, but I encourage you not to take this change for granted. While your wife may love the cuddle time and watching wrestling and movies, it doesn't mean it's meeting those primary emotional needs. For example, I love and crave Quality Time with my husband. It's one of his biggest love languages, and I always enjoy spending time with him. However, having amazing Quality Time with him doesn't meet my need of Words of Affirmation. If my husband doesn't take the time every day to tell me something special, I don't feel loved no matter how great a time we have together.

I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong, just so you know. It sounds like your wife really does "get it", which is something a lot of spouses don't ever accomplish. And, again, you sound like you're going a great job motivating her and supporting her through this weight loss journey. Just remember to meet her specific needs, too. You said that you do some chores everyday...If you have the chores divided up between you, maybe do one of her chores once a week? Or if it's random which chores you do, wake up early on a Saturday and Sunday and do some of the chores you know she usually does, so when she wakes up she doesn't have to do them. Something specific to the need(Acts of Service) she outlined in the Love Languages quiz. Even the small things can mean a lot.

Also...you make the comment over and over that marriage is 50/50. While that's true, it _doesn't_ mean that everything we do must be mutually enjoyable. So, the next time you cuddle, try watching something that _she_ likes that maybe you don't. A chick flick she really likes. Or a drama. Make it a point to be something special for _her_. Her sexual drive isn't as high as yours, so it's plausible that she sometimes has sex with you or gives you BJ's when she doesn't want to. It's essential that you find a way to do the same for her.

I think that was the point with regards to her birthday as well. I know when my birthday comes around, _I_ want to choose where we eat and what we do, and I don't care if my husband doesn't like the restaurant or the activity. If he tried to choose what we did on _my_ birthday, even if they were things I liked, I would be upset. Next time, maybe _ask_ her what she wants to do instead of tell her what you're planning? 

I don't mean to be disrespectful or presumptuous. And I apologize if I was harsh or offended you. But, as an outsider looking in to what you've said, your posts seem like your relationship is becoming very CB-centric, something that _Love Languages_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_ tells us sometimes happens when one spouse has put in more effort than the other for a long period of time before they finally "wake up", so to speak, and begin investing in their marriage. The formerly neglected spouse likes the newfound attention and can, sometimes, take a backseat as the other spouse makes up for lost time. This can cause resentment, though, and the spouse who is now investing in the relationship begins to feel neglected and the roles are now reversed. *I'm not saying this is happening or will happen in your marriage*. But it is a concern. Hence, my post.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> CB, I'm glad to hear that your wife is losing weight and getting healthy and putting more effort into your relationship. I'm sure it's fantastic to see.  You sound like you're being very supportive of her weight loss and sexual curiosity, and that you're letting her know how much you appreciate it. That's really awesome. Building trust is incredibly important in this stage, and it sounds like she's opening up to that trust.
> 
> I have one concern though...how are _you_ meeting _her_ needs on a daily basis? Even in your cuddle time, which she says she loves, it sounds like the focus is more on you than her. You may just not be mentioning it here, but I encourage you not to take this change for granted. While your wife may love the cuddle time and watching wrestling and movies, it doesn't mean it's meeting those primary emotional needs. For example, I love and crave Quality Time with my husband. It's one of his biggest love languages, and I always enjoy spending time with him. However, having amazing Quality Time with him doesn't meet my need of Words of Affirmation. If my husband doesn't take the time every day to tell me something special, I don't feel loved no matter how great a time we have together.
> 
> ...



I am being supportive about her ongoing weight loss and going back to the gym and I eat the same foods as she does.

My wife's love language is "Acts of Service 12" and mine is "Physical 12". So when we have sex, its always more for me, which I don't like but that's the way she is, still insecure about her size. Now she is starting to wear less in bed instead of being covered up. I do cuddle up to her at night and sometimes give her back rubs. I cuddle with her on the couch when she wants it and sometimes, she just needs her space and alone time. I am still learning on that one because I am "Physical 12".

I have this week off work, so I took out all the garbage, cat litter done, recycled everything, cleaned up the kitchen and dishes done and put away. Nothing for her to do when she gets home and I will go out and get her diet friendly dinner as a total surprise, which we eat together, watching tv shows we both like. But if she wants her alone time after work, I have no issues going upstairs on the computer and coming down later.

I love a few chick flicks and animated movies, so my wifee and I watch them together and laugh. All the newest blu ray animated movies we have watched together.

I like to surprise her and not plan things. Planning things are left for finances, upgrades and repairs, not the marriage. Don't want it to get boring and predictable.

I would rather have my wifee surprise me with dinner and sex than asking me. Asking to me is just lame and ruins the moment.

You don't seem harsh, nor do you offend me. I speak my mind, I'm not always politically correct, nor do I care to be and I respect those who have positive constructive criticism, instead of telling me what I want to hear. You can tell when people do that.

The only thing in our marriage that is CuddleBug centered is the sex life. I don't like this, but until my wifee looses more weight and becomes even more secure about herself, I can't see that changing anytime soon. She has told me, she has a long ways to go and would like to look like the girls from UFC. I told her, fantastic and that will take some years but I find that hot and sexy. So she knows its good. If I go down on her and use the small vib, she still pushes me away but is letting me lick and gently bite her nipples, which she loves.

If I snuck in the shower with her, she would freak out right now but she knows I want to be with her like that, so down the road, probably and a major milestone for her and no more locking the doors.

I don't want to force myself on her, to please her sexually.

The wrap zone was closed so I am preparing chicken and pineapple skewers for my wife and I.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I thought that in the book, the Physical Touch love language was supposed to be *non-sexual touch* because it's assumed that sex is important to pretty much all men. Did I get that wrong or miss something?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The book is different compared to the online quiz.

The Physical for the 5 love languages basically means the physical aspect for everything, including sex, helping around the house, hugs, kisses, etc. So holding hands, hugs and kisses versus gifts and words of praise. Everything to do things together, with the physical part, cuddling, going for a walk, helping around with chores, etc. I'm not into words of affirmation too much or receiving gifts like when I was a kid. I also like the quality time with her with the physical aspect and some acts of service but nothing compared to my wifee.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/


My wifee loved the chicken and pineapple skewers I made, just ready for her when she came in the door. I opened her jacket, snuck in there, put my arms around here and in her back pockets, pulling her in for the long hug (no groping her bum). Then she ate and now wants some space to unwind, so I'm on the computer. I'll be back downstairs in 1 hour to cuddle with her, watching tv and movies.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I am being supportive about her ongoing weight loss and going back to the gym and I eat the same foods as she does.
> 
> My wife's love language is "Acts of Service 12" and mine is "Physical 12". So when we have sex, its always more for me, which I don't like but that's the way she is, still insecure about her size. Now she is starting to wear less in bed instead of being covered up. I do cuddle up to her at night and sometimes give her back rubs. I cuddle with her on the couch when she wants it and sometimes, she just needs her space and alone time. I am still learning on that one because I am "Physical 12".


This sounds more like _your_ love language than hers. Does she have a secondary love language? Some people have more than one, which is why I preferred _His Needs, Her Needs_. 



> I have this week off work, so I took out all the garbage, cat litter done, recycled everything, cleaned up the kitchen and dishes done and put away. Nothing for her to do when she gets home and I will go out and get her diet friendly dinner as a total surprise, which we eat together, watching tv shows we both like. But if she wants her alone time after work, I have no issues going upstairs on the computer and coming down later.


That sounds more like what she'll like and enjoy than the cuddling, since cuddling is _your_ love language. Do you do an Act of Service for her everyday?



> I love a few chick flicks and animated movies, so my wifee and I watch them together and laugh. All the newest blu ray animated movies we have watched together.


Do you every do something you _don't_ like that you know she _does_? Something *just for her*?



> I like to surprise her and not plan things. Planning things are left for finances, upgrades and repairs, not the marriage. Don't want it to get boring and predictable.


Yikes! This concerns me. "Planning" things doesn't mean a marriage will become predictable and boring. Marriage takes a lot of planning, otherwise it would be chaos. I encourage you to consider altering this view. 



> I would rather have my wifee surprise me with dinner and sex than asking me.


Your wife isn't like you, CB. She's a different person. Just because you would rather be surprised doesn't mean SHE will. Also, what did you surprise her with on her b-day that was just for _her_ other than the gift?



> Asking to me is just lame and ruins the moment.


This is a dangerous mindset to be in, CB. It assumes that everything in marriage has to be spontaneous, or the magic will disappear. But there's magic and planning things, too. For example: my husband knows that, unless he's planning a surprise party for me, I _don't want to be surprised on my birthday_ by anything but the gift. *I* want to choose what we do. Him asking me, "What do you want to do today?" isn't ruining the moment, it's giving me the chance to decide what _I_ want to do....THAT is magical. NOT lame. 

Don't you think your wife should be able to choose what she wants to do on her birthday? Her birthday is about *her*, not you. That's why it's better to ask her what she wants to do than assume. 

I'll give a different example; my 5th wedding anniversary is this year in August. My husband and I were in a jewelry shop the other day; we went in randomly to look around because I like looking at jewelry. We eventually made our way to the necklaces, and I was looking through their big product book. He knows I love getting jewelry for our anniversaries, and they had some amazing necklaces. I pointed out for or five pendants I absolutely loved. When August comes around, as long he buys one of those pendants, I will be very happy because I loved them all. 

THAT's planning, but it's very magical and romantic. Plus, he knows he won't be spending money on something I may or may not want. 

Make sense?



> You don't seem harsh, nor do you offend me. I speak my mind, I'm not always politically correct, nor do I care to be and I respect those who have positive constructive criticism, instead of telling me what I want to hear. You can tell when people do that.
> 
> The only thing in our marriage that is CuddleBug centered is the sex life. I don't like this, but until my wifee looses more weight and becomes even more secure about herself, I can't see that changing anytime soon. She has told me, she has a long ways to go and would like to look like the girls from UFC. I told her, fantastic and that will take some years but I find that hot and sexy. So she knows its good. If I go down on her and use the small vib, she still pushes me away but is letting me lick and gently bite her nipples, which she loves.


I don't see the intricate details of your marriage, but it doesn't sound like that's the only thing CB centric. Her birthday sounded more about you than her, to be honest. And birthdays should be about the person who is having the birthday. Not their spouse. 



> If I snuck in the shower with her, she would freak out right now but she knows I want to be with her like that, so down the road, probably and a major milestone for her and no more locking the doors.
> 
> I don't want to force myself on her, to please her sexually.


I understand. It's good that you want to please her sexually, but it takes a massive amount of trust for a woman to open herself up to be touched in that way. As she loses weight, yes, she will gain more confidence. But right now, I encourage you to try to please her in other ways that aren't sexual...ways that will benefit her and only her. 



> The wrap zone was closed so I am preparing chicken and pineapple skewers for my wife and I.


My only concern here CB is that you _might_ be unintentionally making less of your wife's needs than your own. You say marriage is 50/50, but it sounds like your needs are being met more often than hers. Her needs aren't limited to chores and encouragement. Try thinking outside of the box, and finding new ways to meet her needs. Go above and beyond.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It sounds like you are speaking for my wife and its what you really would like and dislike for yourself.

My wife is Acts of Service 12 and Words of Affirmation 8 I think.

Mine is Physical 12 and Quality Time 8.

No, she loves the cuddling. You are trying to speak for her again. If my wifee hates cuddling on the couch, under the blanket, my arm around her, she wouldn't do that with me. The fact is, it helps her un stress, have a mini nap and feel relaxed and refreshed. We usually never have sex from cuddling on the couch, that's non sexual time.

What else do you want to me do? I am watching tv shows and movies she likes. I am eating the same foods and supporting her weight loss. If my wife wants to do something, she lets me knows and we do it if we have the time.

It seems for you, you like control, planning things and with no surprises. This is not my wife so much, this is you.

The reaction on my wife's face when I get her surprise dinners or gifts, birthday, valentines day, Christmas, etc. are emotions of joy and happiness and it lasts all day. If she really hated surprises, she would tell me that.

Now she did tell me, never send me flowers with a singing telegram. That is a no no in her books. She does tell me if she really doesn't like something.

If I was asked, what do you want for your birthday? Lame. No surprise. But if I came home from work and there is a birthday surprise waiting for me, wow, what a nice difference that makes. She's the same way. But she has told me, no surprise gifts too often, not every week, maybe once every 1 - 2 months. So for a surprise today, she comes in the door. I already had her dinners in the fridge and she asks me anything you want for dinner? Then she looks in the fridge for a drink and smiles.......you read my mind, thank you!!! and cuddled with me on the couch afterwards, watching the movie Red together and the kitchen was completely cleaned up too. That hardly sounds like its all about me.......it was all about her.

I have never bought her what I would like. That makes no sense. I casually observe what she uses every day, what needs to be replaced and what would make her life easier and more enjoyable. Like the iPod Touch with all the accessories.

I am not making light of my wife's needs. Were you got that from, I don't know. I know what she likes and dislikes, supporting her, her love languages, doing chores so there is very little for her to do, or I could do nothing, she does the most of it and see how she reacts?

I am not here in serve my wife, go above and beyond with her needs and be a slave to her. Our marriage is 50 / 50. That means I am more physical, so she takes care of my physical needs and she is more service and affirmation, so I encourage her weight loss and goals, be supportive and help with chores (service) and compliment her on how great she is looking, helping her when she needs help, etc.. 

She likes to show me how loose for jeans are now and I tell her, WOW, they literally fall down now, looking great. I listen to her days and what's on her mind and she also likes her space to chat with her parents and sister later.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

SHE'S LOST 20 LBS NOW...........gym pass any week now and she told me when she hit the 20 lbs mark, she will buy a new pair of jeans as a celebration.:smthumbup:


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> It sounds like you are speaking for my wife and its what you really would like and dislike for yourself.


I'm trying to give you examples using my own relationship. I'm not trying to speak for your wife. I _am_ concerned by a few of the things you're posting, and I'm trying to help you see what your wife _might_ be feeling. 



> My wife is Acts of Service 12 and Words of Affirmation 8 I think.
> 
> Mine is Physical 12 and Quality Time 8.


Okay, so based on this alone, it's probable to say that the cuddling and watching movies means more to you than it does to her. I don't mean that she hates it and doesn't enjoy it, because I'm sure she loves to cuddle and be close to you. _But_, loving something is not the same as having your emotional needs met. Cuddling with you and spending time with you _is not_ meeting her emotional needs. Does that make sense? 



> No, she loves the cuddling. You are trying to speak for her again. If my wifee hates cuddling on the couch, under the blanket, my arm around her, she wouldn't do that with me. The fact is, it helps her un stress, have a mini nap and feel relaxed and refreshed. We usually never have sex from cuddling on the couch, that's non sexual time.


I don't think she hates it, that's not my point. My point is that it meets _your_ emotional needs, not hers. Now, that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing that your emotional needs are being met. My only concern is that, given the things you two do together, it seems like things focus more on you than her. I'd would like to see things even out a bit more. 



> What else do you want to me do? I am watching tv shows and movies she likes. I am eating the same foods and supporting her weight loss. If my wife wants to do something, she lets me knows and we do it if we have the time.


Spending time together is important, so you're on the right track I think. Supporting her weight loss is great, especially if she doesn't have much confidence right now. But it seems like you're focused on the weight loss and chores, when Words of Affirmation encompasses a lot more, as does Acts of Service. Have you tried telling her how great she is as a wife, and then give her an example? Or writing her a love letter? Or telling her how great she is as a woman? Words of Affirmation goes beyond _what_ she does, she needs to be affirmed for _who she is_ as well. That you love her for who she is, not just what she does. That's she's special to you. 

Acts of Service isn't my emotional need, so I don't have a lot of info on what might meet that need outside of chores. But, from what I remember of the book, Acts of Service simply means doing something for the other person. Maybe you could ask her if there's something specific she would love for you to do for her? I know you don't like asking, but it's important that her emotional needs are met. She may not feel like she can be open about what she needs, since she's neglected your needs for so long. Does that make sense? By asking her what more you can do, you're opening the communication lines and telling her that it's safe to ask you to do things for her. 



> It seems for you, you like control, planning things and with no surprises. This is not my wife so much, this is you.


Obviously you know your wife better than I do, but one thing I _do_ know, communication is vital to the longevity of a relationship. It's important that you get passed this idea of leaving everything spontaneous, and open up to communicating about your needs. I strongly encourage you to ask her if there's an Act of Service that means the most to her. 



> The reaction on my wife's face when I get her surprise dinners or gifts, birthday, valentines day, Christmas, etc. are emotions of joy and happiness and it lasts all day. If she really hated surprises, she would tell me that.


You seem to operate in a world of extremes, love and hate. That's very limiting. Your wife can love surprises, and _still_ want to communicate about her needs. That's why I've been giving you examples, to help illustrate my point. 

Let me ask: if you knew your wife wanted something from you, but she hadn't told you about it, would you ask her about it? 



> Now she did tell me, never send me flowers with a singing telegram. That is a no no in her books. She does tell me if she really doesn't like something.
> 
> If I was asked, what do you want for your birthday? Lame. No surprise. But if I came home from work and there is a birthday surprise waiting for me, wow, what a nice difference that makes. She's the same way. But she has told me, no surprise gifts too often, not every week, maybe once every 1 - 2 months. So for a surprise today, she comes in the door. I already had her dinners in the fridge and she asks me anything you want for dinner? Then she looks in the fridge for a drink and smiles.......you read my mind, thank you!!! and cuddled with me on the couch afterwards, watching the movie Red together and the kitchen was completely cleaned up too. That hardly sounds like its all about me.......it was all about her.


I didn't say that it sounds _all_ about you. I said it sounds like it's _more_ about you. Frankly, your defensiveness and insistence that there's no possible way for you to do any more for her is proof that you're focused more on yourself than your wife. There's always room for improvement, but you don't seem willing to find more that you can do. 

All I'm saying is that, right now, you're both in a new learning phase in your relationship. She's meeting your needs for the first time in a long time, and it's important that there be a lot of positive reinforcement. You want to sow a healthy cycle of mutuality, and to do that you need to know what she needs. There's nothing lame about asking her during your cuddle time, "Honey, I love how great things have been lately. You've been doing such a great job with cuddling with me and showing me intimate affection, I want to keep doing the same thing with you. So I was just curious, is there something specific that you would like me to do? Something that will mean more than anything else?" If my husband were to ask me this question, I would really feel that he wanted to understand and meet my needs. 



> I have never bought her what I would like. That makes no sense. I casually observe what she uses every day, what needs to be replaced and what would make her life easier and more enjoyable. Like the iPod Touch with all the accessories.


Which is good. I never said that what you bought is what you would like. I'm sure she loves the things you bought her. But it doesn't mean those things _meet her needs_. I'm not talking about liking things, I'm talking about doing things that will meet her needs and make her feel fulfilled. 



> I am not making light of my wife's needs. Were you got that from, I don't know. I know what she likes and dislikes, supporting her, her love languages, doing chores so there is very little for her to do, or I could do nothing, she does the most of it and see how she reacts?


No, that is not what I mean. You're doing things right, but that doesn't mean that you should never improve or do more. You assume that you're doing enough to meet your wife's needs, and you might be. But wouldn't it be better to _know_ that you're doing enough? Wouldn't it be better to _know_ how she feels?



> I am not here in serve my wife, go above and beyond with her needs and be a slave to her. Our marriage is 50 / 50. That means I am more physical, so she takes care of my physical needs and she is more service and affirmation, so I encourage her weight loss and goals, be supportive and help with chores (service) and compliment her on how great she is looking, helping her when she needs help, etc..


So you're only going to give her as much as she gives you? You don't think you should go above and beyond? You don't think _she_ should go above and beyond? That saddens me. I think spouses should always go above and beyond for their spouses, and it saddens me that you think that equals slavery. 



> She likes to show me how loose for jeans are now and I tell her, WOW, they literally fall down now, looking great. I listen to her days and what's on her mind and she also likes her space to chat with her parents and sister later.


Yes, you've reiterated many times all the things you do for your wife, but what you don't realize, is that they're the same things over and over. If you want your wife to open up to things like oral sex, you have to go above and beyond. You can't do the same things over and over, without improving and doing _more_, while expecting and wanting her to do more. If she needs to do more, why don't you? 

You want to get to a place where you can give her sexual pleasure, and she's not there yet. That means, for you to feel completely fulfilled, there needs to be _more_ in your sexual relationship. Couldn't that mean that there needs to be more in your emotional relationship as well?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CB, I want you to know I'm not trying to pick on you. I really am only trying to help. I want you to get to a place where your wife is comfortable with oral sex and manual stimulation, and other sexual things that you may desire. But for this to happen, you _have_ to make extra effort to meet her needs, and that means understanding the specific Acts of Service she wants and needs. That means asking her what _she_ wants you to do, not assuming. 

I'm going to illustrate my point: my top two emotional needs are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch, and I need them both almost the same. My husband says things to me that _he_ thinks will meet my need for Affirmation, but what he says doesn't always meet that need. Saying, "Thank you for cleaning up honey, you did a great job" isn't all that important to me. I like it when he says it, but I would _always_ rather have him say, "Honey, you are such a great wife. I am honored and proud to show you off to my friends and coworkers, because your love for me is so obvious. Your great to look at, too." Do you see the difference? Both statements fall under Affirmation, but one is more important to me than the other. 

Your wife sounds like she does love the things you say and do. But if there were something she liked more, something that would make her feel the most special woman in the world, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want her to feel that way? You may already be making her feel that way, but I think it's better to know for sure than make assumptions.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> CB, I want you to know I'm not trying to pick on you. I really am only trying to help. I want you to get to a place where your wife is comfortable with oral sex and manual stimulation, and other sexual things that you may desire. But for this to happen, you _have_ to make extra effort to meet her needs, and that means understanding the specific Acts of Service she wants and needs. That means asking her what _she_ wants you to do, not assuming.
> 
> I'm going to illustrate my point: my top two emotional needs are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch, and I need them both almost the same. My husband says things to me that _he_ thinks will meet my need for Affirmation, but what he says doesn't always meet that need. Saying, "Thank you for cleaning up honey, you did a great job" isn't all that important to me. I like it when he says it, but I would _always_ rather have him say, "Honey, you are such a great wife. I am honored and proud to show you off to my friends and coworkers, because your love for me is so obvious. Your great to look at, too." Do you see the difference? Both statements fall under Affirmation, but one is more important to me than the other.
> 
> Your wife sounds like she does love the things you say and do. But if there were something she liked more, something that would make her feel the most special woman in the world, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want her to feel that way? You may already be making her feel that way, but I think it's better to know for sure than make assumptions.



In my mind, this is being nit picked. I see it for what it is.

The reason she isn't comfortable with sex, for her, is her size. I did post that in the very beginning....but when she finally started to count her calories and lose weight, it just steam rolled from that point to were she is today, 20 lbs lighter in 8 weeks. And I've been very supportive and doing things with her she likes to do along the way.

Now my wife and I both work full time jobs. No kids yet. That means we only have 1 day together each week. The remaining 6 days, we have evenings and that's it. So cuddling, sex, maybe some tv, is all we really have time for. Otherwise, we would do more.

When we have sex, she no longer is clothed from head to toe in bed. She is naked now. That's a change from the 20 lb weight loss. She is letting me nibble and lick her breasts, which she never really let me do (insecure) but now does and enjoys. Changes are starting to happen. Example. I notice she likes it when I'm on top and her legs are together with mine on the outside, She grabs my bum and I move up and down while in her. She likes that a lot.

She again told me, 20 lbs is only 25% of the weight I want to lose. I told her, that's great, the cup is only 25% fully instead of 25% empty, you get the idea. The positive outlook.

You are very different from what my wife is and her needs. How you are is not the way my wife is. My wife in not Physical like you are. Your hubby is a lucky man.

I have said, her on going weight loss is fantastic and I'm proud of her and her will power to staying within her daily calorie range. And I don't eat crap food when she's around either.

If I give her a surprise back rub, she loves it. If I surprise her with dinner before she gets home, she loves it. If I have chores done, she notices there isn't much to do and is appreciative and relaxes. When we watch movies together that we both enjoy, she wants to lay down and cuddle with me and tells me so. When she gets home from work after I do, I sometimes give her a hug and pull her in with my hands in her back pockets and she falls into me.

If we had more time together, to go out and do things, I'm sure we'd learn even more what each others likes and dislikes are.

I have and do give her a romantic card(s) with flowers before she goes to work or on her days off before she gets up, maybe once every 2 -3 months. Totally catches her off guard and it makes her week. But not too often like she says.

I say our marriage is 50 / 50. Realistically, I am doing way more than my fair share but I never complain about it or bring it up.

After learning everything from TAM, I am more alpha male, take the initiative, am the captain, help her without being asked, plan and surprise things for her, I'm not a jerk but I'm definitely not a mr.nice guy either, and she is my 1st mate with equal input on everything, based on our life and work experiences. If she knows more, we do it her way. If I know more, we do it my way. If we're 50 / 50 on something, we do it our way together.

My wifee is more passive and I am more aggressive. One person has to be the leader take the initiative type and that is me and I can tell, she likes this, because we get so many things accomplished and done were as if its left to her, nothing gets done, she talks and it just sits.......and then she gets upset.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Another reason why I don''t go out with the guys, pubs, bars, beaches, malls, or even get my haircut cut, etc., there are many attractive women that flirt and hit on me. Like just 5 minutes ago, I went to get wraps and I was reading the newspaper sitting down. Three young adults walked in, 1 guy and 2 girls. I would guess right out of high school, 19? One of the girls totally looked at me and gave me a huge smile, just staring and then they walked to a table and she was looking at me in the corner of her eye. Yes, she is young and smokin' hot. But I continued to read the paper, got my food and left. No, I am not telling my wifee. I could of easily smiled back and said hi, and chatted with her......her two friends would of gone to another table while we would of chatted. I have too many stories like this and I'm old enough (40 now) to be her dad!!! Women today must go for guys older than they are but in my day, everyone was about the same age. Times change. I don't go out much to keep the temptation to a bare minimum. Stupid as this may sound, its what I have to do. I've had hot women come across the street, make up some story about my plants while I water them, just to chat. Anywhere from teens to 30's. At a work party years ago, a hot young lady wanted sex with me all night, but I high tailed it out of there when the real party started. Or when I used to grocery shop at Save on Foods, the ladies there would flirt with me and even one came up to me and said hi, how are you doing and my wife was there.......not good. Too many stories of this. What I've learned is don't ever say anything to the wifee, ever!!! Don't get me wrong, I love the attention and from smokin' hot ladies. Makes me feel like I still got it. Now if I did go out with the guys and in general, I would of got in trouble many times already, so I just relieve myself when it gets really bad but as my wifee continues to loose the weight and her confidence and sex drive go up and up, one day, my dream, zero relieving myself. That's my goal.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Now, tonight, we are hopefully watching Red 2 and cuddling on the couch. My wifee loves that and sometimes has mini naps and she is happy about the surprise dinner I left her in the fridge. Probably give her a body massage later and who knows.... No complaints on her part.

She showed me the dentist job, preparing her mouth for the braces she will be getting soon, which are blue spacers between her back teeth.

She again tells me, 20 lbs is just the start and want to loose a lot more and get close to the ladies from UFC. I grabbed her back pockets and pulled her in for a hug. 

She is already heavily using the iPod Touch I got her. A surprise gift she really enjoys and its not what I would of liked for myself.

She is getting more and more comfortable with me putting my hands in her pants to massage her legs, mid section, etc.. Her pants are very loose now from the weight loss.

Now its time to watch Dragon's Den together, a tv show she really likes and I don't mind it at all.

I told her she is looking hot but she still is insecure and shy's away a bit but nothing compared to before. I hinted to her, imagine you in one year from now. We could have sex every day......she paused and instead of saying, dream it on, she said, we'll see..........all due to how she feels about herself, size, confidence, what she wears and me supporting her.

Many ladies here say, when they hit 40, they got a major sex boost. By then, my wifee could be very fit, and have a healthy high sex drive for the first time?! Only time will tell...


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> In my mind, this is being nit picked. I see it for what it is.
> 
> The reason she isn't comfortable with sex, for her, is her size. I did post that in the very beginning....but when she finally started to count her calories and lose weight, it just steam rolled from that point to were she is today, 20 lbs lighter in 8 weeks. And I've been very supportive and doing things with her she likes to do along the way.


I don't think you're getting my point. Her discomfort with sex, I'm sure, is directly related to her size. But that doesn't mean other factors don't come into play. If there were other factors, would you want to know about them?



> Now my wife and I both work full time jobs. No kids yet. That means we only have 1 day together each week. The remaining 6 days, we have evenings and that's it. So cuddling, sex, maybe some tv, is all we really have time for. Otherwise, we would do more.


I'm not saying that you need to change this routine. Obviously we can't create more hours in the day, so we have to be really wise about the time we do have. You say you only have time for cuddling(your need), sex(your need), and some t.v.(your need.) Maybe, a couple of times a week, you could try changing that routine and letting your wife pick out what you do?



> When we have sex, she no longer is clothed from head to toe in bed. She is naked now. That's a change from the 20 lb weight loss. She is letting me nibble and lick her breasts, which she never really let me do (insecure) but now does and enjoys. Changes are starting to happen. Example. I notice she likes it when I'm on top and her legs are together with mine on the outside, She grabs my bum and I move up and down while in her. She likes that a lot.


I don't need the details of your sex life, CB. The sex is not what I'm talking about. I am thrilled that your wife has sex and is warming up to certain things. That is incredible. It's wonderful to step into one's own sexuality, and I am so happy to know your wife is. And you sound like you're doing a great job of picking up on her ques, reading her reactions to certain things and finding what she likes and enjoys. That's awesome on your part. 

My concern is with how much you're doing for her.



> She again told me, 20 lbs is only 25% of the weight I want to lose. I told her, that's great, the cup is only 25% fully instead of 25% empty, you get the idea. The positive outlook.
> 
> You are very different from what my wife is and her needs. How you are is not the way my wife is. My wife in not Physical like you are. Your hubby is a lucky man.


*I'm not comparing myself to your wife*. I don't think your wife is like me much at all, but that doesn't mean the principles I'm discussing are wrong. The fact that you aren't answering the questions I ask you concerns me. Either you're not reading my posts at all, or you just aren't willing to do more for your wife, and I have to wonder if you're still resentful over the past years of your marriage. You should _want_ to do everything that you can to make her feel loved. 

I don't think marriage is 50/50. I think marriage should be 100/100, ideally. Sometimes that's not realistic, sometimes it has to be 100/70 or 70/60, etc. Life happens, and based on the circumstances(illness, tragedy, job, kids, etc) can change the amount of energy we have to invest into our relationships. However, we should be willing to give _all_ of that energy. I don't know that you are, based on how you keep deflecting my questions. 



> I have said, her on going weight loss is fantastic and I'm proud of her and her will power to staying within her daily calorie range. And I don't eat crap food when she's around either.


You keep focusing on these things, when I'm not talking about them. Are you reading my posts? Or are you intentionally dodging my questions?



> If I give her a surprise back rub, she loves it. If I surprise her with dinner before she gets home, she loves it. If I have chores done, she notices there isn't much to do and is appreciative and relaxes. When we watch movies together that we both enjoy, she wants to lay down and cuddle with me and tells me so. When she gets home from work after I do, I sometimes give her a hug and pull her in with my hands in her back pockets and she falls into me.
> 
> If we had more time together, to go out and do things, I'm sure we'd learn even more what each others likes and dislikes are.


You don't have to have more time together to discovery what you like and dislike. You can _ask her_, while you are cuddling. If your only reason for not asking her is because you think it's lame, I have to question how much you want her needs to be met. 



> I have and do give her a romantic card(s) with flowers before she goes to work or on her days off before she gets up, maybe once every 2 -3 months. Totally catches her off guard and it makes her week. But not too often like she says.


It sounds like your wife enjoys surprises more than I. But that doesn't mean that you can't ever talk about other things she might enjoy. 



> I say our marriage is 50 / 50. Realistically, I am doing way more than my fair share but I never complain about it or bring it up.


I definitely would disagree with this. I think you're doing a fair amount, I think you're listening to what she says, but I think your attitude should improve. You're, clearly, defiant to the idea of doing more for her, and that's a toxic attitude. You should be willing to do more, you should _want_ to go above and beyond. Especially with how far your wife has come. She's trying _so very hard_ to be better, why aren't you willing to go above and beyond for her?



> After learning everything from TAM, I am more alpha male, take the initiative, am the captain, help her without being asked, plan and surprise things for her, I'm not a jerk but I'm definitely not a mr.nice guy either, and she is my 1st mate with equal input on everything, based on our life and work experiences. If she knows more, we do it her way. If I know more, we do it my way. If we're 50 / 50 on something, we do it our way together.


Would you say that, as far as _her_ emotional needs go, she would be the expert? Shouldn't you do things _her_ way with regards to _her_ own needs?



> My wifee is more passive and I am more aggressive. One person has to be the leader take the initiative type and that is me and I can tell, she likes this, because we get so many things accomplished and done were as if its left to her, nothing gets done, she talks and it just sits.......and then she gets upset.


You're giving me a lot of info that has nothing to do with the questions I've asked. I really would like you to answer my questions directly, and not dodge them.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CB, I see a lot of hope for you and your wife. I hope you'll consider some of the things I've said. I know I'm harsh and critical, but when it comes to emotional needs being met, I feel very strongly that we should always strive to do more for those we love. 

I'd really love it if you answered the questions I've asked you.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Now, tonight, we are hopefully watching Red 2 and cuddling on the couch. My wifee loves that and sometimes has mini naps and she is happy about the surprise dinner I left her in the fridge. Probably give her a body massage later and who knows.... No complaints on her part.
> 
> She showed me the dentist job, preparing her mouth for the braces she will be getting soon, which are blue spacers between her back teeth.
> 
> ...


You are doing really, really good encouraging her telling her she's hot...maybe having sex every day.....but SLOW it down.

I know you are prob busting at the seems with all kinds of thoughts, fantasies, visions.

Think baby steps....you WANT and anticipate her to make Monster truck strides but be content with baby steps....as long as she is moving forward instead of backward is a very great thing


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't think you're getting my point. Her discomfort with sex, I'm sure, is directly related to her size. But that doesn't mean other factors don't come into play. If there were other factors, would you want to know about them?


I've asked her are there any fantasies or fetishes or anything that you would be into? She told me, no, I don't know....I'm not pressing her on that.


I'm not saying that you need to change this routine. Obviously we can't create more hours in the day, so we have to be really wise about the time we do have. You say you only have time for cuddling(your need), sex(your need), and some t.v.(your need.) Maybe, a couple of times a week, you could try changing that routine and letting your wife pick out what you do?


We just honestly don't have the time. It's get up early, go to work, get home around supper time, eat, talk, cuddle, make food, maybe sex, go to bed. Repeat 5+ days week. My wife needs cuddling, she tells me this and sometimes just throws the pillow on me and jumps on. She likes to watch tv by herself or with me. Sex is my need, for now, but when she gets very fit, could be a total reversal on that?


I don't need the details of your sex life, CB. The sex is not what I'm talking about. I am thrilled that your wife has sex and is warming up to certain things. That is incredible. It's wonderful to step into one's own sexuality, and I am so happy to know your wife is. And you sound like you're doing a great job of picking up on her ques, reading her reactions to certain things and finding what she likes and enjoys. That's awesome on your part. 

My concern is with how much you're doing for her.


I'm not doing that overkill. Trust me, she'd get angry if I was doing it obviously every day. For me, its subtle, casual and she can't see I'm doing it and same with my occasional surprise. And that totally surprises her, not seeing it coming and no complaints from her, or she'd definitely tell me.


*I'm not comparing myself to your wife*. I don't think your wife is like me much at all, but that doesn't mean the principles I'm discussing are wrong. The fact that you aren't answering the questions I ask you concerns me. Either you're not reading my posts at all, or you just aren't willing to do more for your wife, and I have to wonder if you're still resentful over the past years of your marriage. You should _want_ to do everything that you can to make her feel loved. 


Am I still resentful? Not nearly as much to be honest. The last 2+ months have been awesome. If I can put up with that for 14 years, what's 1 more year and especially big positive changes?


I don't think marriage is 50/50. I think marriage should be 100/100, ideally. Sometimes that's not realistic, sometimes it has to be 100/70 or 70/60, etc. Life happens, and based on the circumstances(illness, tragedy, job, kids, etc) can change the amount of energy we have to invest into our relationships. However, we should be willing to give _all_ of that energy. I don't know that you are, based on how you keep deflecting my questions. 


Try not to over analyze things. We aren't Doctors. Sometimes the minor and subtle changes are just as simple as that and nothing deeper or complex. Reading too much into things?


You keep focusing on these things, when I'm not talking about them. Are you reading my posts? Or are you intentionally dodging my questions?


Over analyzing simple situations. Reading things that aren't really there. Making simple things complicated.



You don't have to have more time together to discovery what you like and dislike. You can _ask her_, while you are cuddling. If your only reason for not asking her is because you think it's lame, I have to question how much you want her needs to be met. 


I don't always surprise her and sometimes we do ask each other. There are things we do plan and there are things we just don't. If she has more needs, she can communicate them with me. I am not a mind reader after all. She can communicate. She may not see her other needs as a big issue and never brings them up. I can ask her, what are your other needs? She'll look at me, what?!



It sounds like your wife enjoys surprises more than I. But that doesn't mean that you can't ever talk about other things she might enjoy. 


See, my wifee had a bad ex bf and was told she wouldn't amount to much due to her size. She has lived her life that way and put all her energy into school, work and pleasing others. After we met and got married, it took her 14 years to break the cycle and really start coming out of her shell. She feels she isn'r worthy of gifts for her, so when I surprise her, she instinctively is surprised, that's for me!!! but then it sinks in, she does deserve it and is a great woman, worthy and she is extremely greatful. Hopefully, she will grow out of this shell too? 


I definitely would disagree with this. I think you're doing a fair amount, I think you're listening to what she says, but I think your attitude should improve. You're, clearly, defiant to the idea of doing more for her, and that's a toxic attitude. You should be willing to do more, you should _want_ to go above and beyond. Especially with how far your wife has come. She's trying _so very hard_ to be better, why aren't you willing to go above and beyond for her?


If you knew how much I do around our place, outside, inside, grocery shopping, all bills paid, kitchen clean, dishes done, garbage, recycling, taking some time off work for upgrades and repairs, getting our tv system up and running and her laptop and iPod Touch, investments are going through, and I work a full time job, it's definitely more than 50 / 50. Doing more now would be burning my candle at both ends......and not fair at all.


Would you say that, as far as _her_ emotional needs go, she would be the expert? Shouldn't you do things _her_ way with regards to _her_ own needs?


Yes, she knows her emotional needs better than anyone. When she gets stressed up, she talk to me, her parents and sister. She also loves long hugs and cuddling on the couch. Watching tv and movies together also helps. These things help her un stress but mainly its talking.



You're giving me a lot of info that has nothing to do with the questions I've asked. I really would like you to answer my questions directly, and not dodge them.



You are not a doctor, or my wife. The way you think and are is not my wife. I choose to answer questions if I see fit and if I can even answer them. If you get too direct and picky, doesn't go over to well with me......chill. Plus if I don't answer all your questions the way you want them answered, you seem to get angry. Do you have an anger issue? You aren't answering my questions!!! Why aren't you answering all my questions!!! Why are you dodging them!!! Almost arrogant wouldn't you say? I know you're trying to help but that personality type doesn't agree with me. Being honest without getting angry.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

over20 said:


> You are doing really, really good encouraging her telling her she's hot...maybe having sex every day.....but SLOW it down.
> 
> I know you are prob busting at the seems with all kinds of thoughts, fantasies, visions.
> 
> Think baby steps....you WANT and anticipate her to make Monster truck strides but be content with baby steps....as long as she is moving forward instead of backward is a very great thing



I do try and slow it down. Some nights, we do our own thing. She watches tv downstairs and I'm on the computer upstairs and we have our space. Not sex every day, maybe 3x week from 1x month for 14 years.

I'm definitely going to be supportive but not push it too much. When she wants to tell me about her weight loss, I will listen and be happy for her but I won't be asking her, how much weight have you lost? Not a good thing.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

There's something amidst.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Been following this thread and I think Created2Write brings up several valid points. What you see as nitpicking by Created2Write I see more as someone genuinely invested in helping you avoid pitfalls from a female perspective. It definitely is not coming from a place of malice and I think it's worth re-reading her posts without getting defensive. 

Cuddlebug it's great that you are experiencing an upswing in your marriage but there are times your posts seems very self involved - including going on and on about your wife's weight. That's awesome you are giving her so much positive reinforcement (seriously, I'm losing weight myself and it really helps) but I kind of wish you'd acknowledge other things you value about your wife other than what size her jeans are. The whole birthday situation also seemed odd and passive aggressive. 

I very much get the sense she is trying to please you - and you are supportive of her trying to please you. That sounds more 70/30 than 50/50. Not that marriage is ever 50/50 in my opinion but you seem quite adamant it should be so. 

That said - best of luck to you both and it is quite lovely to see someone on these forums making progress.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Another reason why I don''t go out with the guys, pubs, bars, beaches, malls, or even get my haircut cut, etc., there are many attractive women that flirt and hit on me.


Seriously dude? This is a bit much. I have a friend who's a famous lingerie model and it sounds like she gets hit on less than you.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

C2W is a great poster. She understands men about as well as any woman I've seen on these boards. I think she's only trying to help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Seriously dude? This is a bit much. I have a friend who's a famous lingerie model and it sounds like she gets hit on less than you.



I'm being honest here. I don't go out much for those reasons and I'd rather spend time with my wifee of course, but what I said is true and no bs. I know the city we live in has many wealthy tourists, movie stars, nhl players and retirees. That's half our city population. There are many hotties that visit here, beaches for the summer, skiing in the winter, the main mall is packed, the bars are full, many students from other countries, you name it. Our city is in the top 5 for Canada for most expensive place to live. We live close to the beach so that could be why as well. Just the way it is here. I'm not some hot dude with an attitude, and just a weight trainer who doesn't look his age.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Anonymous Person said:


> There's something amidst.



There is nothing amidst that I know of.

I just don't like being probed, picked apart and some questions are too direct in my face.

There are questions I have no answer for, so I try and think of something. 

There are questions that are reading too much into something that isn't there and when I don't answer what people want to hear, they say I didn't answer their question. Maybe I'll tell them what they want to hear?


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> There is nothing amidst that I know of.


Exactly. 

I'm not alluding to the posts between you and CW2, as I have barely read them. Nor am I saying that you are lying to anyone.

Something else is going on, I'm sure of it. Just my 2c.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Been following this thread and I think Created2Write brings up several valid points. What you see as nitpicking by Created2Write I see more as someone genuinely invested in helping you avoid pitfalls from a female perspective. It definitely is not coming from a place of malice and I think it's worth re-reading her posts without getting defensive.
> 
> Cuddlebug it's great that you are experiencing an upswing in your marriage but there are times your posts seems very self involved - including going on and on about your wife's weight. That's awesome you are giving her so much positive reinforcement (seriously, I'm losing weight myself and it really helps) but I kind of wish you'd acknowledge other things you value about your wife other than what size her jeans are. The whole birthday situation also seemed odd and passive aggressive.
> 
> ...



I know Created2Write is trying to help and I really do appreciate her:smthumbup:, but the way she responds, I'd say almost rude, arrogant and not chillax. Her view on life isn't the one and only way and if you don't answer correctly, you aren't answering my question, dodging, avoiding, why aren't you answering my questions.

Do you see what I'm trying to say?

Something is amidst.....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Anonymous Person said:


> Exactly.
> 
> I'm not alluding to the posts between you and CW2, as I have barely read them. Nor am I saying that you are lying to anyone.
> 
> Something else is going on, I'm sure of it. Just my 2c.





I'll try and answer any questions but I am learning and don't know everything, nor do I have "the" correct answers for everything. I'm just a dude, married over 14 years, with struggles in our marriage, that over the last 2 months has drastically changed for the better and I wanted to share that with everyone on TAM. Simple as that. Maybe too simple and that's the problem for some?

I don't know what Created2Write's problem is, almost like she is looking for something or a conflict?

Perhaps somewhat spoiled? Her way or she gets mad?

If someone doesn't answer a question, no need to freak out. What's the point in doing so?

I've had many of my questions in posts not answered and you know what, no big deal. Maybe they didn't have an answer. Maybe they didn't want to answer. Maybe its not the answer I wanted to hear.....


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CB, I know I can be direct and harsh, but I am very concerned about some of the things you've posted, and not just in this thread. I've read the other threads you've made and I find your attitude towards your wife and your marriage to be toxic. Dysfunctional. For example, this isn't the first thread you've created where you thought your sex life was changing. About this time last year, you made a very similar thread, talking about vaginal shots your wife was going to get, etc. So those changes, I'm guessing, didn't last?

You seem to have the view that you're only going to do so much for your wife, and once you've reached that point, you refuse to do anything more. "Burning a candle at both ends...not fair", were your words. The very fact that you even see emotional needs that way is dysfunctional. 

Now, if your wife were still not meeting your sexual needs, I wouldn't be saying this, but based on the massive changes she's made, right now you should be doing _everything you can_ to make her feel loved. Her secondary emotional need is Words of Affirmation. You give her great support with her weight loss, but you don't sound like you build her up in any other way. Don't you like her? Don't you enjoy spending time with her? Don't you like who she is? Her sense of humor? Her intelligence? Her personality? Don't you enjoy the changes she's making to her sexuality? All of those things need to be _communicated_ to her. It will build her confidence in every way, not just the physical. 

As far as Acts of Service goes, if what you say is true in how much you do around the house, it sounds like you meet that need fairly well. But when it comes to Words of Affirmation, you only seem to affirm her with her body and weight loss. Don't you think she wants to be affirmed in other ways? If you're not willing to do more for your wife, than you I would surmise that you don't take her needs seriously, and I would conclude that these changes in her sexuality won't last. As long as you're only willing to do so much for her, then your marriage will continue to be dysfunctional. You may call that rude if you wish. But other posters on this forum have been harsh with me, and while it hurt and angered me to see what they had to say, it was those very harsh and "rude" things that have made the greatest difference in my marriage.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

When someone is trying to help you and better understand your circumstance, it makes things impossible and complicated when you don't answer the questions. If you don't have an answer to a question, say so. That will give me more than just repeating everything you've already said. 

And no, I'm not a Dr. No one here is. Yet you come here, frequently, asking for advice. So, I'm giving my perspective. And from my perspective you _aren't_ dedicated to meeting your wife's needs. You're only willing to do the bare minimum, and anything more is counted as "unfair". Well, sometimes marriage _is_ unfair. Your wife is making massive changes not only in her body, but in her sexuality. Can you imagine how uncomfortable she might be? How difficult this is for her? She is going above and beyond for you, but you refuse to do so for her. I may be wrong, and I sincerely hope I am, but I don't think these sexual changes will last if you don't change your attitude.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I don't think you're getting my point. Her discomfort with sex, I'm sure, is directly related to her size. But that doesn't mean other factors don't come into play. If there were other factors, would you want to know about them?
> 
> 
> I've asked her are there any fantasies or fetishes or anything that you would be into? She told me, no, I don't know....I'm not pressing her on that.


That's not what I mean. Perhaps your wife is uncomfortable with sex because she doesn't feel emotionally fulfilled?



> I'm not saying that you need to change this routine. Obviously we can't create more hours in the day, so we have to be really wise about the time we do have. You say you only have time for cuddling(your need), sex(your need), and some t.v.(your need.) Maybe, a couple of times a week, you could try changing that routine and letting your wife pick out what you do?
> 
> 
> We just honestly don't have the time. It's get up early, go to work, get home around supper time, eat, talk, cuddle, make food, maybe sex, go to bed. Repeat 5+ days week. My wife needs cuddling, she tells me this and sometimes just throws the pillow on me and jumps on. She likes to watch tv by herself or with me. Sex is my need, for now, but when she gets very fit, could be a total reversal on that?


You have the time if you sacrifice something like t.v. or cuddling. I encourage you to ask her to choose the activity once a week. If marriage is 50/50, then you both should choose what you do. Why not let her choose once a week? Surely you can let go of control for one night?

I'm a person who likes control, you were right about that. And I sense that you are, too. Letting someone else have control can be uncomfortable, but it builds trust in the relationship. I sense that you don't fully trust your wife, which is why I encourage you to simply let her choose what you do one evening. If you make the time, you'll have it.



> I don't need the details of your sex life, CB. The sex is not what I'm talking about. I am thrilled that your wife has sex and is warming up to certain things. That is incredible. It's wonderful to step into one's own sexuality, and I am so happy to know your wife is. And you sound like you're doing a great job of picking up on her ques, reading her reactions to certain things and finding what she likes and enjoys. That's awesome on your part.
> 
> My concern is with how much you're doing for her.
> 
> ...


Not everything should be surprising. I really encourage you to ask her, in a gentle nonchalant way, if there's anything special she would like you to do for her. She could say no. She may be completely fulfilled and happy. But she, also, may not be. And if she isn't, she'll have the chance to say so. 

You say that she would "definitely tell you" if she wasn't happy, and I am not confident in that at all. Based on some of the horrible things you've said about her and your marriage on this forum(calling her Jabba the Hut, talking about fantasizing about other women, watching porn, etc.), I suspect that a lot of her lack of confidence comes from the negative feelings you've had for her in the past. And, I suspect, may still have toward her in some degree. I can't imagine that she hasn't picked up on those feelings. 



> *I'm not comparing myself to your wife*. I don't think your wife is like me much at all, but that doesn't mean the principles I'm discussing are wrong. The fact that you aren't answering the questions I ask you concerns me. Either you're not reading my posts at all, or you just aren't willing to do more for your wife, and I have to wonder if you're still resentful over the past years of your marriage. You should _want_ to do everything that you can to make her feel loved.
> 
> 
> Am I still resentful? Not nearly as much to be honest. The last 2+ months have been awesome. If I can put up with that for 14 years, what's 1 more year and especially big positive changes?


So, even with those "big positive changes" you aren't willing to do more for her? 



> I don't think marriage is 50/50. I think marriage should be 100/100, ideally. Sometimes that's not realistic, sometimes it has to be 100/70 or 70/60, etc. Life happens, and based on the circumstances(illness, tragedy, job, kids, etc) can change the amount of energy we have to invest into our relationships. However, we should be willing to give _all_ of that energy. I don't know that you are, based on how you keep deflecting my questions.
> 
> 
> Try not to over analyze things. We aren't Doctors. Sometimes the minor and subtle changes are just as simple as that and nothing deeper or complex. Reading too much into things?


No, I don't think I am. I think you're not reading enough into things. 



> You keep focusing on these things, when I'm not talking about them. Are you reading my posts? Or are you intentionally dodging my questions?
> 
> 
> Over analyzing simple situations. Reading things that aren't really there. Making simple things complicated.


Marriage is complicated. Meeting the needs of our spouse is complicated. And I don't think you're willing to put everything into your marriage. You want your wife to put all she has into it, by stepping out of her comfort zone and making massive changes, but you don't seem willing to make massive changes yourself. I have to wonder why.



> You don't have to have more time together to discovery what you like and dislike. You can _ask her_, while you are cuddling. If your only reason for not asking her is because you think it's lame, I have to question how much you want her needs to be met.
> 
> 
> I don't always surprise her and sometimes we do ask each other. There are things we do plan and there are things we just don't. If she has more needs, she can communicate them with me. I am not a mind reader after all. She can communicate. She may not see her other needs as a big issue and never brings them up. I can ask her, what are your other needs? She'll look at me, what?!


And what if she doesn't feel like she can communicate with you? Why is it so unbelievable that you simply ask her?



> It sounds like your wife enjoys surprises more than I. But that doesn't mean that you can't ever talk about other things she might enjoy.
> 
> 
> See, my wifee had a bad ex bf and was told she wouldn't amount to much due to her size. She has lived her life that way and put all her energy into school, work and pleasing others. After we met and got married, it took her 14 years to break the cycle and really start coming out of her shell. She feels she isn'r worthy of gifts for her, so when I surprise her, she instinctively is surprised, that's for me!!! but then it sinks in, she does deserve it and is a great woman, worthy and she is extremely greatful. Hopefully, she will grow out of this shell too?


Do you tell her she is a great woman? Do you tell her she is worthy? That she deserves to be happy and have great things? 



> I definitely would disagree with this. I think you're doing a fair amount, I think you're listening to what she says, but I think your attitude should improve. You're, clearly, defiant to the idea of doing more for her, and that's a toxic attitude. You should be willing to do more, you should _want_ to go above and beyond. Especially with how far your wife has come. She's trying _so very hard_ to be better, why aren't you willing to go above and beyond for her?
> 
> 
> If you knew how much I do around our place, outside, inside, grocery shopping, all bills paid, kitchen clean, dishes done, garbage, recycling, taking some time off work for upgrades and repairs, getting our tv system up and running and her laptop and iPod Touch, investments are going through, and I work a full time job, it's definitely more than 50 / 50. Doing more now would be burning my candle at both ends......and not fair at all.


Your wife going above and beyond for you, without getting the same from you, is what isn't fair. 



> Would you say that, as far as _her_ emotional needs go, she would be the expert? Shouldn't you do things _her_ way with regards to _her_ own needs?
> 
> 
> Yes, she knows her emotional needs better than anyone. When she gets stressed up, she talk to me, her parents and sister. She also loves long hugs and cuddling on the couch. Watching tv and movies together also helps. These things help her un stress but mainly its talking.


How often do you tell her that she's a great woman?



> You're giving me a lot of info that has nothing to do with the questions I've asked. I really would like you to answer my questions directly, and not dodge them.
> 
> You are not a doctor, or my wife. The way you think and are is not my wife. I choose to answer questions if I see fit and if I can even answer them. If you get too direct and picky, doesn't go over to well with me......chill. Plus if I don't answer all your questions the way you want them answered, you seem to get angry. Do you have an anger issue? You aren't answering my questions!!! Why aren't you answering all my questions!!! Why are you dodging them!!! Almost arrogant wouldn't you say? I know you're trying to help but that personality type doesn't agree with me. Being honest without getting angry.


I'm not angry at all. You're projecting. I am trying to better understand you and your situation, and to do that, the questions I ask need answers. I felt like you were intentionally taking me in circles. So I called you on it.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> But when it comes to Words of Affirmation, you only seem to affirm her with her body and weight loss. Don't you think she wants to be affirmed in other ways? If you're not willing to do more for your wife, than you I would surmise that you don't take her needs seriously, and I would conclude that these changes in her sexuality won't last. As long as you're only willing to do so much for her, then your marriage will continue to be dysfunctional. You may call that rude if you wish. But other posters on this forum have been harsh with me, and while it hurt and angered me to see what they had to say, it was those very harsh and "rude" things that have made the greatest difference in my marriage.


C2W was far more eloquent so I'll just quote the above - that's the general feeling I am getting from some of your updates too CB. 

Again, I think it's awesome you are supporting her weight loss journey (my ex didn't even notice when I lost my first 20lb - total bummer) but I think there is a lot more going on below the surface. Even the title of the thread "My wife is doing what must be done - finally" places the blame for your marriage problems solely on your wife. What's your part in creating an atmosphere where your spouse put on 40+ pounds during the marriage and did not reach out to her weight lifting super fit husband for support?? I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions about your own behavior/patterns and be open to making some big changes too. 

Also - and I can't quite put my finger on why but that entire braggy post dedicated to how many women think you are hot, nineteen year olds checking you out, etc. didn't sit right with me in a thread that's supposed to be dedicated to the positive changes your wife is making for herself and your marriage. 

It's hard to "read" tone over the internet, and in no way am I trying to be rude or disrespectful when I say this - If you legitimately believe you can't get a haircut or go out during the day with friends because too many women hit on you and you won't be able to stop yourself from cheating that's a HUGE red flag about your perception of reality and possible lack of self discipline. Some counseling or talking with your pastor might help put things in perspective.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I've had many of my questions in posts not answered and you know what, no big deal. Maybe they didn't have an answer. Maybe they didn't want to answer. Maybe its not the answer I wanted to hear.....


This I agree with because some things are way too personal to answer - even for an anonymous message board. Or as you said, there is no answer yet. 

Still, I think many of the questions you left unanswered are valid and you should give them some private consideration. 

We have a saying in my meditation class "Ask the question - live the answer."


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> Also - and I can't quite put my finger on why but that entire braggy post dedicated to how many women think you are hot, nineteen year olds checking you out, etc. didn't sit right with me in a thread that's supposed to be dedicated to the positive changes your wife is making for herself and your marriage.


:iagree:
Yeah, some of the posts are over the top.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'll say it one last time and I won't mention it again. If my posts are nit picked apart, under a micro scope, in my face, looking for a conflict, almost rude and arrogant, don't expect a response from me. Simple as that.

When I was in high school, I never had a gf, dated, went to the graduation prom, nothing. I didn't have a gf or anything in my early 20's either, nothing. I was maybe 170 lbs at 6ft 2 with thick coke bottle glasses. Then I had enough of that and started weight training. I was getting a little bigger and I got contact lenses. This was at age 24 I started this. I met my wifee at age 25 and 6 months later we were married. continued to weight train, getting bigger and yes, that's when all the ladies hit on me and not before. When I really hit my stride was in my 30's, I got to about 230 lbs, laser eye surgery and no exaggerations about the ladies. If I was still 170 lbs with thick coke bottle glasses, nothing would of been happening. It's as simple as that, women like guys who are built, taller, verses skinny, weak, thick glasses, etc.

My wifee has lost about 21 lbs now and is telling me the gym pass is anytime now. She again bent over to get something in the kitchen, I couldn't resist and I grabbed her hips and pressed against her doggie style. I could see her smile and even giggle. I said, you don't smile and giggle when I do that. Now she does. And we watched Immortals together and yes she liked the movie. My wife speaks her mind and won't watch a tv show or movie she hates just because I like it. She isn't that type of a woman and that goes for pretty much everything. So she never does things with me she hates in the first place. It's communication.

Now she's going to cut my hair and I'll give her a back rub later and ask how her day was....maybe some intimate time later....

And another thing she loves to do, is read books and novels. She used to work at a major book store many years ago. That's one area I can't just surprise her, so I will ask her, any favorite book or novels you haven't read yet?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Does she have a Kindle? They're great for people who like to read. And amazon does a 'recommended for you' thing, so you could see the kind of books she might like based on the ones she's already bought.

My husband is big on surprises too. I think if you get them right, as he always does, they are lovely and thoughtful. That being said, on any special day, like my birthday or mothers' day, he insists I decide what we do. So he would never plan my birthday for me unless I specifically told him without being asked that I wanted him to.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CB, you don't seem willing to do any self-reflection whatsoever. I sincerely hope that these changes continue for you, but since it's happened once and the changes didn't last, my guess is that they won't this time either unless you're willing to change your approach. You sound rather conceited, almost like you think you're doing your wife a favor just by being married to her. I could be wrong, and I'm sorry if I am. But with all the talk about how hot and in shape you are, and how many women check you out, I find it impossible to think that your wife doesn't pick up on this. 

You don't affirm your wife in anything other than the weight loss, which on its own sends a horrible message. You're basically saying that you don't think there's anything special about your wife aside from her weight loss. I encourage you to affirm your wife in other ways as well. That will boost her confidence even more. 

Basically, my whole point comes down to this: if you want these changes in your wife to last, if you want a successful marriage, you need to change your attitude. You can't see meeting your wife's needs as a form of slavery and expect to have a happy marriage. Until you change your attitude and approach, positive sexual changes won't last, imo. 

Good luck to you.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

CB, I'm going to be honest here and say I feel the same way some of these posters do. I've read your posts for some time, and I've always thought you were focused on you and only what you can get from your wife. Of course, I don't know you and could be off, but that's how the posts come across. 

Also, some of your posts seem a bit off. You're hot on that much? Maybe, but sounds conceited. You say you don't go out much to avoid it. You make it sound like you're a celebrity...

Also you say you live in an expensive Canadian city. I thought I remember you saying you make close to minimum wage in another posting. 

Also, your wife is losing weight that quickly? Everyday, you say she's lost more weight. Unless she's doing a strict diet or some fad diet, hoe is she losing weight that quickly? What are you going to say if she gains weight back, which often happens?

I am not attacking you, and everything could be the honest truth. But I've never thought from your posts that you loved your wife or cared about things from her perspective. To me, you are all about you and getting sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I _love_ getting books from my husband. Reading is one of my all time favorite things to do. And you're right, buying books isn't something you can do as a surprise unless you already know the books she wants. On Amazon.com you can make "Wish Lists"; you could ask your wife to make a wish list of the books she'd love to read, and then you could surprise her by buying a couple when she's not expecting it?

Sometimes, my husband will surprise me with twenty bucks to spend on any books I want, and I order them online, so perhaps you could surprise her like that sometimes? 

I also love it when he takes me to my favorite book stores, which is another surprise I love. He doesn't like going to the book stores, he's bored out of his mind, so it means even more to me for him to do something that gives him no pleasure at all. So, if your wife has a particular book store she likes, you could surprise her that way? 

Buying your wife something you know she loves is a great way of making her heart flutter.


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Cuddlebug, kudos for supporting your wife. You help around the house, you make her dinner, you cuddle with her which is what she needs emotionally... What else could you do? Not much, in my opinion... You are not her father, or therapist, how can anyone expect you to do much more than that? You can't do the weight loss for her and you can't want to lose weight for her, all that MUST come from her. It sounds like you two are doing great at this point. Keep it up!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

He can do _a lot_ more. There's always room for improvement, in anything we do. Putting a limit on how much we can do for our spouse also limits the potential for the relationship. Helping around the house is good, it meets her top emotional need. Supporting her weight loss is good, as it not only meets her secondary emotional need, but it also builds confidence. But there _are_ other things he can do to build her up, as have been outlined in many posts in this thread, and it doesn't seem to me that he's willing to do those things.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'd also be a bit wary of assuming that her desire for sex will increase as her weight decreases. You seem to have settled on the idea that her weight was the problem all along and if she gets very fit she'll also become very HD and adventurous.

Leaving aside the fact that 85% of people don't maintain their weight loss, I'm not sure you have reasonable expectations. I remember months ago the magic cure for her low sex drive was going to be some kind of hormonal vaginal shot, now it's weight loss. 

You're happier now, good. This might be as good as it gets though.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After my wifee got off the phone with her parents, I gave her a nice long passionate hug. I asked her how her day was and she told me. She then did something she's never done before. She pulled open her pants and showed me her underwear. She tells me, no more granny panties and I just bought new sexy ones. She's never worn sexy underwear before, so that's a first. Then she told me, her end goal, it to be able to wear sexy undergarments, high heels, talk dirty, and do all the sexual things she's wanted to do, but has never acted on.

The reason she has a low sex drive LD, is because in her high school and college years, she was told she is fat and won't amount to much and her ex bf was a jerk and basically told her the same thing. This made her give up on herself, focus on college and work and not much else. 

After being married for 14 years, she finally broke the endless circle and decided to start eating healthier, watch her caloric intake and she's lost 21 lbs in just over 2 months. She loves the results, how she feels, looks, her clothes are very loose and starting to almost fall off. She no longer pushes me away when I'm in the mood and no more hurtful excuses, again?, maybe tomorrow (never happens)?, falls asleep during foreplay, or rolls her eyes, etc. Now she looks forward to our intimate times and we now have sex about 3x week instead of 1x month. She does enjoy the intimacy, closeness and sex, I can tell, but when she gets fully comfortable with her body and the old insecurities are finally gone, then as she has told me, she wants sex and adventurous sex and a lot of time to make up.

For her, the weight was the main factor in her low sex drive LD, insecurity, and never taking the initiative. The more the weight comes off, the more free she is becoming. My wifee is not the same woman over 2 months ago, not even close.

She isn't doing this primarily for me. She is doing this for herself, her self esteem, her confidence, and her sexual desires. What she's wanted to do her entire life, but never has, she is starting to finally do now.

The vaginal shots did help her. Her Dr. told her the nerve bundles are all tight, something like that and these shots will help loosen them and get her a healthy sex drive (reset her hormones). Maybe the shots are finally starting to have an effect? Like over 2 months ago? That's a possibility.

I am happier now, yes. But my wifee is much happier these last few months, more talkative, close, since the weight loss started. My wifee is a very determined woman. When she finally sets her mind to something, she is unstoppable and her goal is to lose the weight, do all the sexual things she never did in her youth, wear sexy clothing and no more insecurity. I am supporting her, and listening to her and trying.

I am willing to do more, of course, but marriages are equal, give and take, and not one sided. I try to keep that in mind and not go overkill. If its based on what is done around our place, inside, outside, finances, groceries, bills, upgrades, I do it all and weight train and work full time. My wifee works full time too, but does not do the others daily things I always do.

I understand that sometimes surprises are a bad thing. Agreed. When it comes to books, I might just buy her an e-reader, Kindle? with a few hundred dollars on it for her to pick the books she wants. The e-reader is a brilliant idea by the way. I know she likes to have physical books though, so maybe a big gift certificate instead? She can pick what she wants but give her the certificate as a surprise, with some flowers and a romantic card? I will do this for her, not because I just want sex. But since we both took the 5 love languages, she understands my love language as Physical and I understand hers as Acts of Service and Affirmation. We take care of each others needs based on that and I'm sure hers will change more towards Physical as time moves on.

The positive sexual changes have occurred because my wifee has lost 21 lbs and she loves the results and that has got her in the mood much more. It doesn't matter if I want sex with her every day. If she is insecure and won't get fit, she didn't want sex much at all. Now she does because she is loving how she is transforming, for herself and everything that is going along with it. The emotional changes in her are also huge. More talkative, out going, not as shy and I am so happy for her.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

So this morning, my wifee and I are almost ready to leave for work (not dressed yet) and I told her, those new panties are hot. She smiles. I asked her, can I see them again, now? She smiled, sure, I have a new pair, so I went to her and took a peek in her pants, and then she says, I'm not wearing any panties and grins......I almost took her right there and she loved it. This is not my wifee. My real wifee would of never said that, smiled, grinned or let me look in her pants. She is becoming a different woman, perhaps the woman she always wanted to be. I left for work in the mood and she knew it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Damn I hope this keeps up. CB your wife's transition so far is inspiring.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

So happy for you, Cuddle! A small quibble, though. This is your real wife; she is just allowing a part of herself that she repressed in the past to bloom and grow.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If her changes continue, I better start taking viagra and do cardio training as well.

I agree. She is letting herself grow, loosing her insecurities and becoming the woman she always wanted to be. No more repression from her past. This is now and her future, our future.

From what she tells me, this is just the beginning of her changes.....the beginning? I am happy with her now and 21 lbs lighter, but more changes? AWESOME!!


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Losing weight does change you, and the way you feel about yourself, and makes things a lot better in the bedroom.

I was a size 18, I put on weight after the children, and i admit i binged, I was miserable, but having more children i found i was stuck in a rut.

It does change a woman, It did me, I have always been very out going, that never changed as i convinced myself.... Oh i have my man, I do not need to impress anyone, I have had my children, I am settled, happy..... Lies.

I was happy with my husband, but not the way i looked, and i felt that my husband was disgusted with the way i looked, and our sex life dwindled, because of my insecurities.... (He loved me no matter what size i was) He never wanted me to change i wanted to change.

2 years down the line i am a size 10 so happy, have no more insecurities, can wear pretty much what i like...... Nothing wrong with the sex life now.....

Also, Me and my husband are so much more connected, I am not miserable, we never argue, because i am happy and not down worrying what i look like, and blaming him for anything and everything.

Being unhappy with the way you look, can change so much, and can make a woman's life so sad, and can depress her, changing the way she wants to be.

I think if your truly happy with yourself, then it makes all the people you love more happier around you.

Good luck to you, and your wife.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx. 

Your life experience in this has opened my eyes even more, to the way ladies feel about themselves and how size does effect everything. What you said makes perfect sense.

I'm happy for you, size 10 and you're rocking hubby's world.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee got her transparent braces on her upper teeth Friday and spacers for her bottom teeth. A total of four of her teeth will be pulled and the bottom braces will be installed soon after. This is something she's been talking about since we got married, I continually pushed her to do and now after 14+ years of marriage, she has done it.:smthumbup:

This early morning, my wifee comes to bed, cuddles up to my back naked and proceeds to give me a back, bum and leg massage. Her hand then made its way around to my underwear, in my underwear, to wake me up and get me going. We'll, I woke up, getting masturbated, then rolled over and some oral from her. She rolls onto her back, and I notice she is wearing those sexy panties, nice. She was into sex more and we finished with her legs together, mine on the outside and her grabbing my bum. She loves this position and really gets into it.  


Since my wifee has braces, we will be finding more liquid and soft foods for her, which means, even more weight loss.

Her real changes are just starting and the 21 lbs was the beginning point, just like she told me.


Update: My wifee just told me she has now lost 22 lbs......fantastic!!!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After my wifee woke me up to sex this morning, I was in the mood and "raging" all day for some reason, so I initiated sex with her this evening, expecting to get, you just got it this morning. Guess what, we just had sex again!!! Sex 2x in 12 hours, that's not my wifee, wow, what changes. We have never had sex 2x in one day since we got married. These changes are definitely amazing!!!

For some reason though, she is crying about her braces. I told her, be happy, you will have straight white teeth in 2 years. Some discomfort now but totally worth it in the end. You always wanted this done and now that it is being done, you are crying and insecure?! I told her to look at this as a journey and part of her transformation. Look at the big picture and her braces are transparent, so you can hardly see them. Yeeesh.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> For some reason though, she is crying about her braces. I told her, be happy, you will have straight white teeth in 2 years. Some discomfort now but totally worth it in the end. You always wanted this done and now that it is being done, you are crying and insecure?! I told her to look at this as a journey and part of her transformation. Look at the big picture and her braces are transparent, so you can hardly see them. Yeeesh.


Are you reassuring her that you think she's beautiful regardless of her braces? While she DID want them and they ARE a journey, actual reassurance to an insecure person can go a long way, especially since it sounds like she's been working so hard to be a better wife to you lately.

I think I'd be doing everything I could to make her feel special and beautiful, because those are things that can _also_ increase the sexy time.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CB, losing weight is just as much an emotional process as it is a physical one. You may see these things as reasons for her to _gain_ confidence, but the reality that is far more likely is that she is incredibly uncomfortable with this new body of hers. As odd as it may seem, those who have been overweight for long periods of time and then rapidly begin to lose weight can sometimes experience an increase of insecurity. They're facing an entirely new world in a body they've not known for years. It's *incredibly important* that you don't mock her for feeling insecure. She needs as much support and affirmation from you as she can get, and about more than just her weight loss.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I have told her, not to worry about the braces and be happy its being done. She was more insecure about her teeth before the braces than having them on now for 2 years. And you know what? I never noticed her teeth. It wasn't a big deal to me, to be honest. But I am supporting her, no worries there.

After she got home from work today, again, she tells me, my pants are too loose and they are. She let me put my hands in her pants to feel all the room. They look like the pants criss cross wore. I told her she is looking fantastic and I can really start to see an hour glass figure. She tells me, this is just the beginning and I'm only 1/3 of the way done. I told her, as long as you loose the weight safely, and not starve yourself. Whether its 2 lbs week or 1 lb week doesn't matter to me. She wants 2 lbs week and her goal is to be fitter than when we first got married.

Whenever Mrs. CB needs emotional support, I am always here to listen and help her. Or if she'd rather talk to her parents and sister, that's fine with me too. She is very close to her family you see.

"she is incredibly uncomfortable with this new body of hers".....ummmm, that's an understatement if I ever heard one. She loves how she looks and is becoming very confident and doing things she would normally never ever do. If she was uncomfortable, nothing would of changed so far. My wife's insecurities are really starting to disappear. When I put my hands in her pants to feel all the extra room, she didn't pull away and I kissed her lower tummy area and she liked it. Both are a first for her since the weight loss. She has never had a fit body in her entire life actually. Trust me, mocking her is the last thing on my mind and would be suicide on my part. Just an unspoken rule and no no. I do tell her regularly she is looking amazing and I am blown away. Emotionally, we talk, I listen, help her, support her, you name it but without being too obvious about it.

My wifee isn't doing this transformation just mainly for me either. She's always wanted to be fit and get her teeth done.

This is a fun journey everyone.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

You can burn quite a few calories making whoopie!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You are reading my mind...........:smthumbup:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

*member of tam -Re: Update - my wife is doing what must be done, finally!!!!*

Hi

I am a long time member of the group. I have been laid off permanently and have just moved to new apartment for the second time since Dec 19. so that is why I haven't been able to respond etc. 

Responses below yours. I tend to be shy on boards like this due to a lot of factors. 


After my wifee woke me up to sex this morning, I was in the mood and "raging" all day for some reason, so I initiated sex with her this evening, expecting to get, you just got it this morning. Guess what, we just had sex again!!! Sex 2x in 12 hours, that's not my wifee, wow, what changes. We have never had sex 2x in one day since we got married. These changes are definitely amazing!!!

Judith: It is good that you were raging all day because that is showing you and her that she is connecting sexually. Because she stirred you which is good that shows she is connecting to you and it is doing her good. She is seeing what you can do and how you handle sex etc. Women learn and need that and don't know whole lot due to their childhood bringing. I usually talk from experience , etc. 
The more she has sex and enjoys it etc the more she sees it is for her too etc. and how she can get a lot out of it include physically. She is learning about her body in the process too. and what it can do

For some reason though, she is crying about her braces. I told her, be happy, you will have straight white teeth in 2 years. Some discomfort now but totally worth it in the end. You always wanted this done and now that it is being done, you are crying and insecure?! I told her to look at this as a journey and part of her transformation. Look at the big picture and her braces are transparent, so you can hardly see them. Yeeesh

Judith: IT has to do with a body image issue is why she is conscious of her mouth and how she looks.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI 

see responses below yours

After my wifee got off the phone with her parents, I gave her a nice long passionate hug. I asked her how her day was and she told me. She then did something she's never done before. She pulled open her pants and showed me her underwear. She tells me, no more granny panties and I just bought new sexy ones. She's never worn sexy underwear before, so that's a first. Then she told me, her end goal, it to be able to wear sexy undergarments, high heels, talk dirty, and do all the sexual things she's wanted to do, but has never acted on.

Judith: IT takes a while for a woman to overcome misinformation about sex and how it helps them in sex and doing what she is doing is helping her to consciously feel sexy and be able to do it. Some women need ot do that to even help them to heal from shyness of it due to their childhood upbringing or lack of info. Feel free to contact me offlist for more info etc. The key is to always keep the nonsexual touch going and communication lines open that is what women need usually in order to be open to sex. 

The reason she has a low sex drive LD, is because in her high school and college years, she was told she is fat and won't amount to much and her ex bf was a jerk and basically told her the same thing. This made her give up on herself, focus on college and work and not much else. 

Judith: Yep that will do ti for a woman. body image issues is what they call it. I tend to write as if I am sitting across from you. 

After being married for 14 years, she finally broke the endless circle and decided to start eating healthier, watch her caloric intake and she's lost 21 lbs in just over 2 months. She loves the results, how she feels, looks, her clothes are very loose and starting to almost fall off. She no longer pushes me away when I'm in the mood and no more hurtful excuses, again?, maybe tomorrow (never happens)?, falls asleep during foreplay, or rolls her eyes, etc. Now she looks forward to our intimate times and we now have sex about 3x week instead of 1x month. She does enjoy the intimacy, closeness and sex, I can tell, but when she gets fully comfortable with her body and the old insecurities are finally gone, then as she has told me, she wants sex and adventurous sex and a lot of time to make up.

Judith; Insecurities even in relation to sex plays big time into in a woman who has had trauma emotional regarding her looks etc even if it doesn't have anything to do with sex -since women see things as a whole -even if the emotional is affected that does affect their view of sex. good. See my comments above keep talking etc. Nonsexual touch after sex is important to a woman too.

For her, the weight was the main factor in her low sex drive LD, insecurity, and never taking the initiative. The more the weight comes off, the more free she is becoming. My wifee is not the same woman over 2 months ago, not even close.

Judith: Good. YOu be surprised what a woman can do in sex once she is healed or healing from emotional trauma on a lot of things

She isn't doing this primarily for me. She is doing this for herself, her self esteem, her confidence, and her sexual desires. What she's wanted to do her entire life, but never has, she is starting to finally do now.

Judith: Good. It is for both of you and for the kids indirectly too

The vaginal shots did help her. Her Dr. told her the nerve bundles are all tight, something like that and these shots will help loosen them and get her a healthy sex drive (reset her hormones). Maybe the shots are finally starting to have an effect? Like over 2 months ago? That's a possibility.

Judith; I am sure it is a combination of things. Women cant have sex if the emotional is affected-perse. It effects them physically sexually -their emotions are tied to their sexual parts 

I am happier now, yes. But my wifee is much happier these last few months, more talkative, close, since the weight loss started. 

Judith: Good. Key word in your sentence above is talkative. 

My wifee is a very determined woman. When she finally sets her mind to something, she is unstoppable and her goal is to lose the weight, do all the sexual things she never did in her youth, wear sexy clothing and no more insecurity. I am supporting her, and listening to her and trying.

Judith; Listening is key. Remember you cant always fix it but you can fix it but in her timetable. 

I am willing to do more, of course, but marriages are equal, give and take, and not one sided. I try to keep that in mind and not go overkill. If its based on what is done around our place, inside, outside, finances, groceries, bills, upgrades, I do it all and weight train and work full time. My wifee works full time too, but does not do the others daily things I always do.

Judith: She loves it when you do those things-those turn her on even when some things turn you on. Makes her feel secure etc. equal yes focus on that one day at a time in your mind daily 

I understand that sometimes surprises are a bad thing. Agreed. When it comes to books, I might just buy her an e-reader, Kindle? with a few hundred dollars on it for her to pick the books she wants. The e-reader is a brilliant idea by the way. I know she likes to have physical books though, so maybe a big gift certificate instead? She can pick what she wants but give her the certificate as a surprise, with some flowers and a romantic card? I will do this for her, not because I just want sex.

Judith: It is good to do this with and without sex. The key is to remind her it is not all about sex but she does need the date or this once a week in addition to sex and separate from sex. Her emotions will determine where she is in receive this

But since we both took the 5 love languages, she understands my love language as Physical and I understand hers as Acts of Service and Affirmation. We take care of each others needs based on that and I'm sure hers will change more towards Physical as time moves on.

Judith; Yes it will and be a combination of of both of this

The positive sexual changes have occurred because my wifee has lost 21 lbs and she loves the results and that has got her in the mood much more. 

Judith; Yes because she is accepting her body and image of herself and feeling good which then plays into feeling good about feeling sex etc. 

It doesn't matter if I want sex with her every day. If she is insecure and won't get fit, she didn't want sex much at all. Now she does because she is loving how she is transforming, for herself and everything that is going along with it. The emotional changes in her are also huge. More talkative, out going, not as shy and I am so happy for her.

Judith: Good again key is talkative in your sentence above.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx for all the advice and pointers. It's greatly appreciated. :smthumbup:


Update: My wifee has now lost 24 lbs, and bought new pants, and I tell her sexy momma, very nice!!

Sex is better and we are doing more and I tell her she has that hour glass figure going on.

She getting 4 teeth pulled very soon, so we figured out more foods she can eat, being liquid for a while and the new braces are going on her lower teeth. I know she is insecure about her smile, braces make her look down and in a bad mood and she hates this. I try and help.

We've been busy as of late, so this weekend will be food, movie, talking, cuddling and "us" time.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee has now lost 25 lbs and is still going strong with her diet and getting ready to go back to the gym. Good for her.:smthumbup:

Only issue I have is she still usually never initiates. I have to be the one initiating and then we please each other. But if I don't initiate for 1 week, she does nothing. 2 weeks, she does nothing.

I have told her, whatever you want to do, try, experiment, I'm game. I'll never laugh, say no or turn you down. She knows this too.


What can I do to get her to initiate?


Or is she the type of woman who doesn't initiate and always expects me to do so?

Ideally, I'd like it to be 50 / 50 and not 99 me and her 1.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi


I wifee has now lost 25 lbs and is still going strong with her diet and getting ready to go back to the gym. Good for her.

Only issue I have is she still usually never initiates. I have to be the one initiating and then we please each other. But if I don't initiate for 1 week, she does nothing. 2 weeks, she does nothing

Judith: Some women may be afraid to initiate and others don't know what healthy initiate is. They need help from you to know what it is for you. 

I have told her, whatever you want to do, try, experiment, I'm game. I'll never laugh, say no or turn you down. She knows this too.

Judith; It would help for you to give her examples. She may not realize flirt with eyes etc is one way and she may not know that is an option

What can I do to get her to initiate?

Judith: Ask her why she is fearful to do do

Or is she the type of woman who doesn't initiate and always expects me to do so

Judith: no it is just more out of fear and lack of knowledge and experience , misinformation etc. or childhood traumas


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jmsclayton said:


> Hi
> 
> 
> I wifee has now lost 25 lbs and is still going strong with her diet and getting ready to go back to the gym. Good for her.
> ...



She just asked me, what can I do with you during my time of the month?

I replied, you have a laptop, internet, do a google search "how to please your man during time of the month". Many responses.

I told her we've been married for 14+ years and you've never thought of that? You've never done anything? Really?!

I again told her, I am open to "anything" you can think of. I will never turn you down or say its creepy, etc. Time to take the initiative and find ways on your own, like I have done for you.

I don't want to hold your hand. I want you to be my equal and take the initiative, read up and learn like I have for you.

Now we'll see......


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I think,on the lack of initiation, she's made some major changes in her lifestyle VERY quickly, and maybe you should just calm down and cut her a little slack for now. Continue to encourage her progress, and explore new things you could do_ together_, but try not to get too aggressive too quickly... allow her the time to acclimate to her new life. 

As an LD person who is making the effort to make my SO's needs a priority, it gets very, very frustrating and discouraging to make these kinds of changes and then find out he still expects MORE from me, immediately. This is actually something I'm dealing with him now, actually, and it has really set me back. Acknowledge the progress she's already made, be encouraging, but - baby steps. It's not a race where everything needs to happen right now, but take the time to enjoy the journey.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> I think,on the lack of initiation, she's made some major changes in her lifestyle VERY quickly, and maybe you should just calm down and cut her a little slack for now. Continue to encourage her progress, and explore new things you could do_ together_, but try not to get too aggressive too quickly... allow her the time to acclimate to her new life.
> 
> As an LD person who is making the effort to make my SO's needs a priority, it gets very, very frustrating and discouraging to make these kinds of changes and then find out he still expects MORE from me, immediately. This is actually something I'm dealing with him now, actually, and it has really set me back. Acknowledge the progress she's already made, be encouraging, but - baby steps. It's not a race where everything needs to happen right now, but take the time to enjoy the journey.



Cut her some slack? 14 years of slack.......but I totally hear you. I will chill, wait and see. Either she does a 60 second google search on how to please your man during the time of the month, or she does nothing.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

I would remind her when she is not in her time of the month and ask her to do it for when she is in. 

Patience 
Give her time. She got to figure out but it does help to have some examples. Remember your a guy and she may not realize that anything to start it -as in touch-can make you interested etc. Women dont think like guys do when it comes to sex. She is thinking in terms of verbal and relational-not always doing-like you guys do. Women receive touch-that is partly why they dont always start with touch. Even though they like to touch and ... 

Remember if her background is such to where she was not allowed to initiate on things then it is a challenge etc. 

She said: She just asked me, what can I do with you during my time of the month?

Judith; Tell her -smile-to mess with you to see what kind of responses she can get out of you and to see how to keep you hopping in a good way. 

To mess with you to keep you on the edge of your seat ...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx for the advice.

I will chill and I know she is on her laptop. Maybe she's doing some research......?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wife initiates sex while I'm on the computer. No argument from me. We went to the bedroom and she licks me from my penis to my ears. Then starts with a partial BJ because she's wearing braces. Anyway, she asks me, what do I want? I thought, now or never, so I said a breast job!!! I got her on her back and she pressed her breasts together and we started having sex, and she was licking me at the same time. After a bit, dry, I tell her, this isn't working, we need something. She says get hand lotion, so instead I got olive oil, I cap full on her breasts and we went at it. I had to finish myself off and in between her breasts and I did. That's a first, an oiled breast job. Used too much oil, less next time. I find its harder for me to orgasm when doing Intermittent Fasting on weekends. 16 hours no food and 8 hours eat everything. My thinking is, empty system, then full of food drains me, so its much harder to orgasm. My wifee knows this as well now. Anyway, first oiled breast job, liked it, breasts felt nice, a little too much oil, less next time and no intermittent fasting. Pretty good. I will ask for an oiled foot job next time.:smthumbup: And since this was my wife's first breast job, she was a little paranoid and had toilet paper already in her hand. I told her to relax, pulled the toilet paper out and to her side. It's not like I orgasm 5 tbsp's!!!! A little worrying on her part but afterwards, it wasn't as bad as she thought. But still only with the lights out, will work on that.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why not use a warm, wet cloth to clean her up afterwards? It's a nicer, more sensual, way to end things than toilet paper. She'll _like _it better, which means you're more likely to have it happen again.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

That is a great idea. Warm wet cloth it is from now on, thx. :smthumbup:

Downstairs she tells me, wait until I lose another 50 lbs......I looked at her, time for me to stop Intermittent Fasting on weekends and take Viagra???

I doubt she will ever be a HD sex crazy woman, but instead of LD vanilla, more like average drive AD and into anything without being insecure and more than 1x day if the mood is good.

But what if she hits that pre menopause sex drive increase? And she's lost the weight? I could be in for a real ride here.....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

She's lost 27 lbs now and its time for bedtime cuddling.


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> She's lost 27 lbs now and its time for bedtime cuddling.


Congratulations Mrs CB, you should be very proud of yourself.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> She just asked me, what can I do with you during my time of the month?
> 
> I replied, you have a laptop, internet, do a google search "how to please your man during time of the month". Many responses.
> 
> ...


CuddleBug...that was a big set for her, all be it a long time coming...encourage this the same way you do the weight loss. Take her to a book store there are a lot of good books there on pleasing a man. She is slowly coming out of that shell....the flower is unfolding and is very fragile right now....encourage her curiosity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I will pass on the congrats to Mrs. CB:smthumbup:

Yesterday, as soon as she got home from work, I unbuttoned her jacket, snuck in, wrapped my arms around her and held her in with my hands in her back pockets. She loved it big time and fell into me.

When we recently had a breast job for the first time, that was coming out of her shell. Next, foot job.....she's worked in bookstores for a very long time, so she knows everything. I could give her a gift certificate?

And she still wants to lose another 50 lbs.....


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI



Yesterday, as soon as she got home from work, I unbuttoned her jacket, snuck in, wrapped my arms around her and held her in with my hands in her back pockets. She loved it big time and fell into me.

Judith; Just remember that you need to learn and keep on top of her desire to be open for you to sneak in. Don't always expect to do that...

When we recently had a breast job for the first time, that was coming out of her shell. Next, foot job.....she's worked in bookstores for a very long time, so she knows everything. I could give her a gift certificate?

Judith; Yes you can on gift certificate. That would help the nonsexual touch etc. 

as far as her losing weight. IF she is 5'5" or thereabouts. Women its ok for them to be in the range of 140 or so. or 120. pounds. I used to be in my 20s 120 pounds. at 5'5"


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## Peaches2 (Jan 21, 2014)

I agree that you should chill on the initiation. In fact totally let it go and if it happens it's a great bonus. Is it gonna kill you if you have to always initiate but she's always saying yes? In a way she is initiating by telling you things she wants to do in the future. It's safer for her, less chance of rejection. While we all know you'd never turn her down, when you've been insecure your entire life it can be difficult to put yourself out there. I know my husband would never say no to me but I don't like asking for it. Maybe it's not fair for the men but I think women need that reassurance more, especially if they have body issues which is pretty much all women.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When I sneak in, its not always sexual. Could be just a nice hug.

My wife is the passive type, so if I don't initiate, she usually doesn't but then wonders what's wrong? So I initiate and she now goes for it instead of rejecting me due to her past previous body size.

Just finished having a cuddle nap together on the couch, and we both woke up relaxed and refreshed.

I turned the channel to her Law and Order show, new episode.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

see responses below yours

When I sneak in, its not always sexual. Could be just a nice hug.

Judith; that is good. As far as me goes-Judith-just remember that you need to look for her signal that says she is ready for the sexual or not. Remember women want nonsexual first before the open up to sexual and it may not always be sexual.
She is learning about her body and sex and how it relates to you so she may want to do it to find things out which is good. I understand what your saying. 


My wife is the passive type, so if I don't initiate, she usually doesn't but then wonders what's wrong? So I initiate and she now goes for it instead of rejecting me due to her past previous body size.

Judith; Usually women wont initiate especially her due to her past. It tends to be uncomfortable to initiate afraid fo what will happen. self conscious about her self emotionally and mentally besides body image stuff. Agree. it good she is not rejecting you. It is for her too not just you. She is learning to see that. 

Just finished having a cuddle nap together on the couch, and we both woke up relaxed and refreshed.

Judith; good don't stop stuff like that =that helps her in other areas with touch and the sexual

I turned the channel to her Law and Order show, new episode

Judith; Watching it with her will help the connection and sexually too. Interest in her stuff even when it isn't your interest can help big time in that dept.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When my wifee was changing into non work clothes, I came in and commented on how much thinner she is looking. Instead of her covering herself up, she just stood there talking to me, no clothing this time. She is getting comfortable being semi naked around me and with the lights on.

See, my wifee never had a bf or serious relationship before she met me. She was large, quiet, insecure and for a short time, had a bf but he treated her badly. I am technically my wifee's first serious relationship, bf and hubby.

I would like it if she would aggressively initiate sex when she is in the mood but that is not her. She is passive, and I am the one to usually initiate and that goes for everything. Just the way its always been.

If I don't initiate sex, it could be 4 - 5 weeks of nothing and then she gets upset, what's wrong? I must initiate but now the rejection and excuses are minimal.

I turned the channel to her Law and Order because its one of her favorite tv shows and she could watch it while getting up from our cuddle nap. She also needs her space and not me always around her.

We watch movies together that we both would like, cuddling on the couch, on the weekends. We watch UFC PPV together and NHL and some TV shows as well.

I am never always with her and we have our space to do what we want.

My wifee will be getting a gym pass as soon as her 4 teeth are pulled and the bottom braces installed and the pain starts going away. Then she wants to seriously do the cardio training and lose the body fat.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

see responses below yours

When my wifee was changing into non work clothes, I came in and commented on how much thinner she is looking. Instead of her covering herself up, she just stood there talking to me, no clothing this time. She is getting comfortable being semi naked around me and with the lights on.

Judith; Trust me when a woman becomes comfortable in her body she wont mind doing things that are awe inspiring for her spouse. She is becoming internally comfortable with her body and is able to share that. You be surprised before you know it what she will do next. She Is learning that your visual can be good for her and help her to be and feel good. 

See, my wifee never had a bf or serious relationship before she met me. She was large, quiet, insecure and for a short time, had a bf but he treated her badly. I am technically my wifee's first serious relationship, bf and hubby.

Judith; in a way that is good. on you being her first serious person and hubby. It sad that the boyfriend treated her badly which does effect a woman view of sex. 

I would like it if she would aggressively initiate sex when she is in the mood but that is not her. She is passive, and I am the one to usually initiate and that goes for everything. Just the way its always been.

Judith; Trust me you will be surprised in time she will. maybe not all the time but she will. Trust me when she starts to feel it inside of needing sex and cant wait. She will get you started since she knows your buttons. Give it time. no rush. YOu need her to feel it in her body 

If I don't initiate sex, it could be 4 - 5 weeks of nothing and then she gets upset, what's wrong? I must initiate but now the rejection and excuses are minimal.

Judith; see above. If I read that right She get gets upset because of the relational part. Women really like the guy to be the pursuer even in sex. It feels good emotionally and there for feel it. So that is among other things things she feels is why she may miss you doing it. 

I turned the channel to her Law and Order because its one of her favorite tv shows and she could watch it while getting up from our cuddle nap. She also needs her space and not me always around her.

Judith: agree she needs her space. The more you do for her the more she wants to be with you. and do with her. Sex begins in the Kitchen. 

We watch movies together that we both would like, cuddling on the couch, on the weekends. We watch UFC PPV together and NHL and some TV shows as well.

Judith; it is important to do the cuddle on the couch. It helps her. it feels good to have a male body next to us women. regardless of the reason. She will find she wont want to be away from you but with you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Last night, my wifee and I were watching more UFC and we had a great time. But she was grumpy and didn't want to be touched.

Then we watched the movie Prisoners and she then wants cuddling and on the couch and under the sheets we went and my arm around her. She loved the movie and the cuddle time.

Then I came to bed late, and she was semi asleep. I started to rub her feet and calves. She didn't like that and was awake enough. Then I cuddled to her back and her pants were down a bit and I pulled them down and I cuddled myself in her bum (not anal sex). She didn't get mad or squirm. Then I put my hands in her pants and massaged her bum and legs. She didn't get mad or squirm. Then I started to gently masturbate her with my fingers and she seemed to like that. Again, she didn't freak out or squirm. Then she woke up enough from my fingers and she told me I need to sleep, so I stopped and told her, I can't resist. You are so soft, sexy and getting thin. She tells me, I know.......its okay. Then I left her be and went to bed. 

These are changes she would never of done or let me do before the 5 love languages quiz together and her on going weight loss.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

see responses below yours

Last night, my wifee and I were watching more UFC and we had a great time. But she was grumpy and didn't want to be touched.

Juidth; Remember it is her mind that leads to sex. among other things. So if the movie was playing havoc with her mind -no she wont want to be touched. 
It has to do with a safety thing. I don't know what the movie is about but the point remains

Then we watched the movie Prisoners and she then wants cuddling and on the couch and under the sheets we went and my arm around her. She loved the movie and the cuddle time.

Judith; Even though I haven't seen this one either. This one is also about safety in that she may have needed to feel safe with you so needed the touch to help her feel safe since the movie generated unsafe feelings

Then I came to bed late, and she was semi asleep. I started to rub her feet and calves. She didn't like that and was awake enough. Then I cuddled to her back and her pants were down a bit and I pulled them down and I cuddled myself in her bum (not anal sex). She didn't get mad or squirm.

Judith: Is that words supposed to be did or didn't? She was open to touch. But not sexual it appears. Sometimes just rub on any part of the body is good even if it is not sexual. So that is why she responded as she did. 

Then I put my hands in her pants and massaged her bum and legs. She didn't get mad or squirm. Then I started to gently masturbate her with my fingers and she seemed to like that. Again, she didn't freak out or squirm. Then she woke up enough from my fingers and she told me I need to sleep, so I stopped and told her, I can't resist. 

Judith; It can be soothing to have your vaginal area rubbed etc. Even if it doesn't lead to sex. So that is understandable why she did that. You be surprised what women can do half asleep. THat may be all she needed for the vaginal even if it didn't feel sexual. It is good that you respected her boundary to stop because she can let you do more 

Judith; YOu cant resist. 
smile


You are so soft, sexy and getting thin. She tells me, I know.......its okay. Then I left her be and went to bed. 

These are changes so would never of done or let me do before the 5 love languages quiz together and her on going weight loss.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

UFC is Ultimate Fighting Championships (men and now women)

My wifee likes it and especially when the ladies fight. She see them as something to aspire to be.


The movie Prisoners was more a drama about two kids getting abducted and the town is looking for them. No sex, swearing, just some moral / ethical scenes. What would you do if you caught one of the guys who knows what happened to your abducted kids? How far would you go? She loves these types of movies.


I didn't initiate sex when I cuddled to her or massaged her. I could tell she liked it but not enough to have sex that late at night.


I am telling her she is getting thin, very soft, sexy, and helping build up her confidence and be more secure about herself.


I don't always initiate sex when cuddling. It all depends.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

see responses below yours

UFC is Ultimate Fighting Championships (men and now women)

My wifee likes it and especially when the ladies fight. She see them as something to aspire to be.

Judith: understand


The movie Prisoners was more a drama about two kids getting abducted and the town is looking for them. No sex, swearing, just some moral / ethical scenes. What would you do if you caught one of the guys who knows what happened to your abducted kids? How far would you go? She loves these types of movies.

Judith; YEs we do when us women who have been through trauma. Because since it Is not being stopped today like it used to be-we who have been through trauma want to kill the guy. 


I didn't initiate sex when I cuddled to her or massaged her. I could tell she liked it but not enough to have sex that late at night.

Judith: Good for you. understand. Just something to keep in in is all about what I mention. 


I am telling her she is getting thin, very soft, sexy, and helping build up her confidence and be more secure about herself.

Judith; Try to say that when you also are not interested in sex too. Just a reminder. 


I don't always initiate sex when cuddling. It all depends. 


Judith; Understand. Just something to keep in mind in what I said on the vaginal thing.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I also very recently told her, since she still isn't comfortable with me giving her oral, being in the shower together, having the lights on, etc. please use the vibrator often. I told her to feel no guilt and just use it on herself as much as she wants to get comfy with her body and then one day, she can do those things with me, lights on, in the shower, lots of oral and 69 and since she knows how her body works, she can have killer orgasms. She told me..........okay.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI 

responses below yours

I also very recently told her, since she still isn't comfortable with me giving her oral, being in the shower together, having the lights on, etc. please use the vibrator often. I told her to feel no guilt and just use it on herself as much as she wants to get comfy with her body and then one day, she can do those things with me, lights on, in the shower, lots of oral and 69 and since she knows how her body works, she can have killer orgasms. She told me..........okay. 

Judith: Wow. I cant believe you said that. I usually recommend that to a woman given her background. The key and remind her and you that not to substitute for you. Make sure you both are have sex. Make sure she is have sex with you in between times. Because she can get used to it and not want to do it with you. 
It would be good for you to practice at least in babysteps being in the shower together. Maybe ask her I fyou can wash her in the shower and you don't get in. Just so she can get used to you standing in the bathroom when she is naked. 
The lights on thing can be done with low lighting like candles or the main light off and practice with a small lamp. 
It depends on what she is learning about her body will determine if she knows all about how it works. 
I would pick one and work on one at a time. The key is to the one that is the least open in showing her self naked. 

It is her vulnerability that is she is needing to get used to in showing and see how your visual helps her. in sex. It is the visual you have that affects her being naked and being vulnerable in sharing her body

I would ask her about if you could just try touching your tongue on her and that is all -let that be just one touch and then wait to let her get comfortable with that -then next time ask her if you can add a something to that like whatever you -make it like two things then increase it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

And she's lost 28 lbs now and wore some lacy loose fitting shirt for me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update: My wifee told me this Saturday morning that she has now lost............30 lbs.:smthumbup::smthumbup:

Only thing that hasn't changed much at all, is that she still doesn't initiate sex. I have to initiate and if I don't, she still doesn't.

When I initiate, she doesn't turn me down and make hurtful excuses. So that part she has changed but it gets old after a while because I like a woman who initiates and not just me.

I hope one day, she becomes a HD adventurous wifee and takes the initiative whenever and where ever she is in the mood. I really do.

I know she has been this way her entire adult life and over weight but after loosing 30 lbs, come on already....

I am already starting to plan for a surprise Valentines Day for my wifee. I am thinking, flowers in a vase, romantic card, (no chocolates or sweets, her diet) and a full body electric blanket. Her current one is small and she uses it on her feet and back.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi 

see responses below yours

Judith; First off. relax. She will initiate not as much as you do becuase women like to be pursue. Give it time. She got to get comfortable where she is in what she is doing


pdate: My wifee told me this Saturday morning that she has now lost............30 lbs.

Only thing that hasn't changed much at all, is that she still doesn't initiate sex. I have to initiate and if I don't, she still doesn't.

Judith; She got to get comfortable with her body change for the better and become comfortable in her mind with being sexy. IT doesnt happen within six months. 

When I initiate, she doesn't turn me down and make hurtful excuses. So that part she has changed but it gets old after a while because I like a woman who initiates and not just me.

I hope one day, she becomes a HD adventurous wifee and takes the initiative whenever and where ever she is in the mood. I really do.

Judith: She will -you need to relax. YOu cant expect everything at once with a woman wiht her background. Trust me she will when she starts to feel sexy all the way through her body
YOu may need to give her a suggestion and ask her what would be comfortable for her to intiate. She is initiate in some form-you just may not see it. Women do it subtle and She initiate some when she lets you do it. That is not the obvious. I know. She got to feel it inside of her in order to initiate-her thinking process comes into play there. 
Trust me she will but not in your time frame. The key is to keep the nonsexual touch going so taht she can have more of a draw for it becuase that builds that


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Instead of asking for her to initiate, see if she'll flirt. That gets things going for both of you and I think that many men find flirting even better than initiating, because it signals interest while still letting you pursue.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee doesn't flirt or talk dirty, or do sexual seductive poses, hinting for sex.

If I don't initiate, she doesn't and wonders what's wrong, every time.

She has been this way for 14 years of marriage. Giving her more time is silly at this point.

I understand she needs to feel sexy and she does want to lose another 50 lbs or so, but if after loosing 30 lbs, there are no major changes, what will another 50 lbs do?

I've told her many times, I will never say no to you when you initiate and are in the mood. I will never say no to any fantasies or desires you want to do with me. I told her, I will do anything, just not another guy in the bedroom.

See, I can't go 1 week of no sex, ever. I am HD adventurous and no sex for 1+ weeks is torture for me and I start fighting about every little thing, I get *****y, easily angered, and my emotional closeness to my wifee goes bye bye.

I take care of her needs, support her weight loss, life long goal of braces, listen to her, she still doesn't initiate, can still go 1 week to 1 month of no sex, unless I initiate and its getting old.

I am getting tired.........


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

see responses below yours

My wifee doesn't flirt or talk dirty, or do sexual seductive poses, hinting for sex.

If I don't initiate, she doesn't and wonders what's wrong, every time.

Judith; Trust me she doesnt understand why you need the fact of her initiate. Some women if they have had trauma in their past even just the fact of her have body images enough to prevent what she initially did can be scary to a woman to flirt etc becuase of how she may feel like she has no control. IT just takes look etc it doesnt have to be a touch that can cause a woman to be afraid to try to initate. 

The key woudl be to ask her why she thinks it is her if you dont 
the key is you both need to talk about sex like you do money in and out of bed. once week or so. I can explain if you want to know why

She has been this way for 14 years of marriage. Giving her more time is silly at this point.

Judith: I know it bothers you and the fact that it looks bleak but there is a reason why she needs time it is becuase she has to get past her thinking of how she looks and then see how the relaitonship part plays into it for her to want to start the process. It could be that she is not feeling it inside to want to start the process. Trust me that is who women usually work. 

I understand she needs to feel sexy and she does want to lose another 50 lbs or so, but if after loosing 30 lbs, there are no major changes, what will another 50 lbs do?

Judith: Trust me depending on what her weight is now it will do alot. 
It will help her to have energy to desire sex when she feels physically the thing of when she is touch

I've told her many times, I will never say no to you when you initiate and are in the mood. I will never say no to any fantasies or desires you want to do with me. I told her, I will do anything, just not another guy in the bedroom.

Judith: Women need to see the emotional and relaitonal and nonsexual thing of why it is important for her to do given where she is coming from. She may see that there is no need since you need it alot and she can just go with flow by you doing it
To her you initiate and her responding is a way for her to initiate and she may not understand that touching you is a way to initiate and if i remember correctly her background is such taht she doesnt even then women dont understand taht touching you to start is just as important as you already being able to start on your own with just a look etc. She may think that just you looking a her sexy is enough to start you quickly and so she doesnt understand that touching you is important even though you can start immediately

See, I can't go 1 week of no sex, ever. I am HD adventurous and no sex for 1+ weeks is torture for me and I start fighting about every little thing, I get *****y, easily angered, and my emotional closeness to my wifee goes bye bye.

Judith: How do i say this? you would because you have your body on a regular schedule of sex and your liquid in side of you lets you know that. and she doesnt understand that. she wont. and becuase of your body is regulated to that schedule -and that you feel i tphysically all the time that is why you become moody. She doesnt know that. You need to inform her of that because trust me she doesnt know. 

Did you have trauma in your past?

If you dont want to say on the main page -you can write me offlist. That is why people have an offlist
I understand why you wouldnt for whatever reason

I take care of her needs, support her weight loss, life long goal of braces, listen to her, she still doesn't initiate, can still go 1 week to 1 month of no sex, unless I initiate and its getting old.

I am getting tire


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jmsclayton said:


> HI
> 
> see responses below yours
> 
> ...



The only trauma my wife had was in her past, being told she is fat and won't amount to much and same with her ex boyfriend.

The key woudl be to ask her why she thinks it is her if you dont 
the key is you both need to talk about sex like you do money in and out of bed. once week or so. *I can explain if you want to know why*

Please explain this to me.


I don't understand why a lot of women are clueless about this. Men have higher sex drives, don't need much foreplay and could have sex all the time. We don't need much emotional closeness either. This should be common sense to the ladies.

I have no trauma in my life. My wifee, being called fat and won't amount to much before she met me.

It's like I tell her and it goes in one ear and out the other. She doesn't remember, or gets it or wants to change. And I thought women have superior memories compared to us men?:scratchhead:


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I'm sorry, but I haven't read the whole thread, Cuddlebug, so this might have come up already. But how do you see yourself in the context of NMMNG and so forth?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MSP said:


> I'm sorry, but I haven't read the whole thread, Cuddlebug, so this might have come up already. But how do you see yourself in the context of NMMNG and so forth?



What does NMMNG mean?


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

ee responses below yours





I take care of her needs, support her weight loss, life long goal of braces, listen to her, she still doesn't initiate, can still go 1 week to 1 month of no sex, unless I initiate and its getting old.

Judith; I am asking if you cuddlebug had trauma in your past? 

I am getting tired

Judith: Have you ever learn to control your urges with your brain? 

The only trauma my wife had was in her past, being told she is fat and won't amount to much and same with her ex boyfriend.

Judith; Trust me how she feels about her self affects her view of her have sex. trust me. I know your not a woman obviously so your not going to understand it. That is all it can take for woman to struggle with even have sex let alone doing what she is doing

The key woudl be to ask her why she thinks it is her if you dont
the key is you both need to talk about sex like you do money in and out of bed. once week or so. I can explain if you want to know why

Please explain this to me.

Judith; Becuase you both need to find out what the other is thinking about sex likes and dislikes etc. LIke you discuss money is the only thing i can think of to explain myself. It helps you both to connect about sex out of bed becuase in sex you cant always say what you want without feelings getting hurt and things being misunderstood becuase of how sex works. I dont know how to explain it but it is important to talk out of bed about sex besides in
the difference of talking in sex is talk about what you need and how to do it and so on 


I don't understand why a lot of women are clueless about this. Men have higher sex drives, don't need much foreplay and could have sex all the time. We don't need much emotional closeness either. This should be common sense to the ladies.

Judith: Alot of it today has to do with parents lack of educating kids, experience, most women now days have trauma in their past, Tv doesnt tell all of it. 
Women dont realize that the relationship for them is important to have first before sex because that is how they and there body is wired because she has to build trust in order to open up her vagina to him and trust him with taht part of her as well as to make the decision to have sex among other things. 
Then they dont read books like Sex Begins in the Kitchen , Sheet Music, His Needs Her Needs. etc. This makes alot more sense when you talk to women who have experience sexual abuse. now days since the year 2000 there is alot of trauma victims include men and as well as women who dont have father figures to teach them how to relate to men so even if there is no sexual trauma so she doesnt understand the concept of how men relate and so on. I could go on and on 



I have no trauma in my life. My wifee, being called fat and won't amount to much before she met me.

Judith; Any women before your wife before you married her?

It's like I tell her and it goes in one ear and out the other. She doesn't remember, or gets it or wants to change. And I thought women have superior memories compared to us men?

Judith; Not when it comes to sex. no

You guys have your sex on the outside so you feel physically and see it all it the time etc. Women have it on the inside so they dont really see it as part of them all the time.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> What does NMMNG mean?


You don't know what it means? Dude, you just aren't in the cool club! Man. *shakes head*



No More Mister Nice Guy


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Did you expect your wife to become a nympho because she lost weight? I think you want her to be something she's not which is clear from most of your posts on here. You did this already a few months back; you said she was making changes and then all of a sudden she stopped. I think you were warned this might happen again earlier in the thread. Reading between the lines you are putting WAY too much pressure on her to make changes too quickly. Having sex three times a week and having a UFC body aren't natural things to her so she's gonna revert back to her old ways when she is feeling pressure or stress. Tone it down a little and quit being so bipolar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MSP said:


> You don't know what it means? Dude, you just aren't in the cool club! Man. *shakes head*
> 
> 
> 
> No More Mister Nice Guy



heh heh, I didn't know that one. I know most of them though....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jd08 said:


> Did you expect your wife to become a nympho because she lost weight? I think you want her to be something she's not which is clear from most of your posts on here. You did this already a few months back; you said she was making changes and then all of a sudden she stopped. I think you were warned this might happen again earlier in the thread. Reading between the lines you are putting WAY too much pressure on her to make changes too quickly. Having sex three times a week and having a UFC body aren't natural things to her so she's gonna revert back to her old ways when she is feeling pressure or stress. Tone it down a little and quit being so bipolar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I expected something after 30 lbs of weight loss, new sexier 
clothing and under garments, yes.

I am not putting any pressure on her. She wanted to lose the weight on her own and now she finally is doing so. She wanted to get her teeth done, so now she finally is getting braces. After that, she wanted to go back to the gym, and now she is doing that too. None of this did I force her to do. She had enough of being lazy, comfy, lettering herself go and decided enough is finally enough.

She would like to have a body of the UFC female fighters, true. She brought that one up and not me. Of course, I encourage her and say that's hot and sexy.

I am not even close to being bi-polar. You have no idea or clue what being bi polar is all about. I have a female co worker who is somewhat bi polar from all the drugs she did in her youth.

Sex up to 3x week is not a lot. That is average and normal and nothing crazy. If someone can't make 20 minutes of time for sex once every 2nd day, there is a problem.

She isn't doing all these changes because I am forcing her to do so. Hardly. I know this because I asked her. She is doing this because she isn't getting any younger and has wasted her youth and 14 years of our marriage.

Are you a high sex drive person? If yes, you should relate. If not, and a lower sex drive person, you will never relate.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

I relate


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

rush said:


> I relate



Cool, thx.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> T......
> 
> 
> I don't understand why a lot of women are clueless about this. Men have higher sex drives, don't need much foreplay and could have sex all the time. We don't need much emotional closeness either. This should be common sense to the ladies.


So not true, I don't get why some men are so clueless about this. ALL people are different, it is not a given that men have higher drives, this is a fallacy. And not all men could have sex all the time. 

Women can have sex without emotional closeness this is not the domain of men only. 

Also a woman that is in a sexually satisfying relationship where her partner engages in all day foreplay of the mind can have sex without much foreplay.

Great that you are getting your own house in order but you are miles off when you speak about the rest of us in such outdated, generalised ways.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> So not true, I don't get why some men are so clueless about this. ALL people are different, it is not a given that men have higher drives, this is a fallacy. And not all men could have sex all the time.
> 
> 
> - Vaste majority of men have higher sex drives compared to women. That is true. On TAM, maybe not so much, but overall, yes. In the shops past and present I worked for, there were no guys that didn't want sex much and their women always wanted sex. None.
> ...


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I am closer to HD than LD but I'm more middle of the road. My wife is extremely LD and I have the same problems you do. However, one thing I don't do is get my hopes up anymore. It just makes it harder when the inevitable crash happens. You seem to be expecting too much from your wife (not A wife, but YOUR particular wife) because she isn't HD, or at least isn't HD with you. You need to either lower your long term expectations or divorce and move on to one of those women that you say are always checking you out. 




CuddleBug said:


> I expected something after 30 lbs of weight loss, new sexier
> clothing and under garments, yes.
> 
> I am not putting any pressure on her. She wanted to lose the weight on her own and now she finally is doing so. She wanted to get her teeth done, so now she finally is getting braces. After that, she wanted to go back to the gym, and now she is doing that too. None of this did I force her to do. She had enough of being lazy, comfy, lettering herself go and decided enough is finally enough.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jd08 said:


> I am closer to HD than LD but I'm more middle of the road. My wife is extremely LD and I have the same problems you do. However, one thing I don't do is get my hopes up anymore. It just makes it harder when the inevitable crash happens. You seem to be expecting too much from your wife (not A wife, but YOUR particular wife) because she isn't HD, or at least isn't HD with you. You need to either lower your long term expectations or divorce and move on to one of those women that you say are always checking you out.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you are in a similar situation like myself. Cool. 

I have to agree with you. If I don't get my hopes up anymore, if the crash happens, it won't matter then. That is great advice actually. Must learn to do this.:smthumbup:

Maybe I am expecting too much from my wife. Sex 3x week, once every 2nd day is too much? According to TAM, that is only the average and not even HD.

I don't go out of my way to check out the ladies. Hardly. They are the ones doing the checking out and I don't pursue them, even though I could and its definitely not all the time either. Not even close.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Maybe if you did have mind foreplay during the day you would be in a better place with your wife, maybe then she might just initiate. It takes 10 seconds to send a sexy txt, it takes very little energy to give your wife a kiss on the neck and show her how sexy you think she is. If you don't get it then maybe open your mind as to what it really means and how it could change the dynamics in your home.

As for the rest of the points all I can say is that your lack of true understanding may well be part of the reason you are where you are. You have no real understanding of women in general.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I was in the computer room, standing, checking out all the movies and my wifee comes in, right behind me, hugging me and then her hands went in my pants and started getting me worked up. Then she pulled me to the bedroom and did things she normally never does and I let her know, I loved every second of it all. She also told me, she doesn't want me giving her oral until she looses much more weight and then we'll do 69, toys, and I can go down on her, etc. Fair enough. I won't push it. She told me she is getting 4 bottom teeth pulled for the space and her bottom braces installed this upcoming week and after the pain goes away, she is going back to the gym. She told me since she knows her daily caloric intake, she has lost more weight in 3 months than trying to just eat healthier. She even told me, see I shaved me legs and body for you. I responded, sooooooo soft Mrs. CB and she liked that. I also told her I get *****y if I have no release (sex) in 1+ weeks, and she knew this. I did not ask for sex, and she initiated the entire thing. I have to learn more patience and if she was insecure for 14+ years, its going to take more than 3 months and 30 lbs to get over her life long issues. I will chill and try to learn more patience. Now its time for dinner, UFC and a movie together. Actually, Mrs. CB is calling me now.......gotta go.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI see responses below yours

I was in the computer room, standing, checking out all the movies and my wifee comes in, right behind me, hugging me and then her hands when in my pants and started getting me worked up. 

Judith: see she initiated . when your losing your patience remember this in your brain and practice putting it in there so it becomes automatic. So when you start to think she isnt this will counteract that. 

Then she pulled me to the bedroom and did things she normally never does and I let her know, I loved every second of it all. 

Judith; Remember she is learning about sex and men. So she will do this again but no expectations. Those expectations will get you into trouble

She also told me, she doesn't want me giving her oral until she looses much more weight and then we'll do 69, toys, and I can go down on her, etc. Fair enough. I won't push it. 

Judith; GOod for you not to push it. on the oral you want her to have a pleasant experience with oral so it is good your waiting on that. Slow down cuddlebug. 

She told me she is getting 4 bottom teeth pulled for the space and her bottom braces installed this upcoming week and after the pain goes away, she is going back to the gym. She told me since she knows her daily caloric intake, she has lost more weight in 3 months than trying to just eat healthier. 
She even told me, see I shaved me legs and body for you. I responded, sooooooo soft Mrs. CB and she liked that. I also told her I get *****y if I have no release (sex) in 1+ weeks, and she knew this.

Judith:Interesting she knew that you get moody if you dont have sex. but does she know your liquid lets you know-She is being affirmed in her looks by you which is good for her self esteem sexually-sexual self it is called which helps her in the bedroom

I did not
ask for sex, and she initiated the entire thing. I have to learn more patience and if she was insecure for 14+ years, its going to take more than 3 months and 30 lbs to get over her life long issues. I will chill and try to learn more patience. 

Jduith: Do you realize what you just said when above earlier you were losing patience... Good for her and you on her part etc. Yes you do -reminder what i mention to you earlier. IF need be when your struggling re read what i wrote. 

Now its time for dinner, UFC and a movie together. Actually, Mrs. CB is calling me now.......gotta go.

Judith; Your happy


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Maybe you're just expecting your wife to be someone she's not. She's not HD. Doubtful she will ever be. 

You can't go a week without sex? What if you weren't married? Tons of people are divorced and between relationships and have to go without sex. 

I think you are putting so much pressure on her and she is really trying. But I dint think your wife will ever be what you want her to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Holland said:


> As for the rest of the points all I can say is that your lack of true understanding may well be part of the reason you are where you are. You have no real understanding of women in general.


You criticized him for generalizing and then you criticize him for not understanding women in general?

:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

You can never convince a woman to have sex with you by explaining your needs or through logic. At least, not the kind of sex you want. You might get sex, but it won't be particularly enthusiastic and before long she'll lapse back to how she was before. 

I've been coming to an understanding of how to truly make all this stuff work (as of a couple of nights ago my marriage is finally out of a very long rough patch). I've been making notes upon notes for years now and finally everything came together in practice. To summarize the more salient points in an extremely brief fashion, there are two main things you really need to get a grip on:

1. Never, ever be needy, in any way; and
2. Never ask or explain. Seduce her. 

I will most likely post my guide to getting wives back in a couple of weeks, once all my thoughts are completely in order.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

CB, just read thru your thread. Congrats on changes in the marriage. I too am going to stress caution since your wife has made a lot of changes (for you) in a very short period of time. Like you, I'm a "make hay when the sun shines" type of person when it comes to improving a marriage too. Sometimes that can bite you in the ass. 

JMHO, but if I were you, I would not get hung up on the things she is not doing and focus more on the things she is doing right now. I see you made a few posts where you are frustrated over a few things like a lack of initiating. She may never be an initiator. That's OK. You will never get 100% of everything.

Here is a suggestion. I'd try to up your game on the acts of service and words of affirmation for your wife. I know you do these things, and that's pretty good. But you will develop more of those deeper connections with your wife if you put the weight loss, diet and exercise discussions with your wife on the back burner and talk more about other positive things that she is good at. Is she great at her career? Spend more time talking about that and praising her. Acts of service seem to be better covered by you, but maybe a little less on food prep for her and more on other things she likes. Maybe take her car out and wash it for her, take her shopping but let her pick where she wants to go while you drive her around, and things more focused on that. 

As much as you want to see your wife improve, try not to keep the diet, exercise and increased intimacy be the sole topics of conversation or even do acts of service that center around those things - since any compliments or gifts related to sex, diet and exercise could be perceived as being self serving. 

Good luck with everything!


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

CB 

I was also trying to say what Plan...OS said too in his first two paragraphs. 

Judith


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> You criticized him for generalizing and then you criticize him for not understanding women in general?
> 
> :scratchhead::scratchhead:


Huh, yeah whatever. He makes sweeping, generalised statements as though they are a given. The OP continuously says that men have the HD, this is a massive generalisation and untrue.

He shows he has no real understanding that all people are different, one woman is different to the next, one man is different to the next.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI to HOlland but sort of to all

First off on a site like this not every one is going to give details. I know. I have been parts of sites like this for a long time even in yahoogroups and not every one tells everything. When you get the person offlist-there is more to the story. 

2. There is alot of factors behind why alot women and men are low HD. 
MOst of it is emotional issues and behavior stuff not medical. I know what i am talking about. 

Alot of us on this site and others wont reveal a whole lot due to how some respond and one has to be careful on sites like this because things can be miscontrued. So that is why I am careful in what i say on the group

So Women can be HD from LD. There is alot of factors in why they can become that and dont. i know. Ask any woman who has overcome trauma in their life you will know. 
or if not trauma emotional issues. I know of one woman now who is equal to her husband being HD. 

This is not a one time thing. 

The thing that help them to get there is the emotional connection, talking, her becoming comfortable in teh relationship and with her body etc. IT didnt happen over nite. 
Part of it is men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots as well as men want to fix it and have a hard time waiting. WOmen want men to fix it but they have to let their emotions get there -they are wired to have to let it happen. It cant always be fix even when they want to fix it. I talk from experience mostly.. 

Women just have to remind themselves how to open the door. 

I know of two women who wanted it and the man wanted it but couldnt. It had nothing to do with relationship issues etc. 
But that was only occassional etc of things. 

Judith


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

It is scary to be right and i dont like to be right. So it is not about taking sides etc but facts and experience and knowing others who have experience this. it is not about being right or wrong

Judith


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Hi Judith, not wanting to threadjack CB's thread. I have a fair idea about all of this after being married/divorcing a LD man. I am a VHD woman. His issues stemed from his upbringing and parents that stayed together for the kids sake, He was an emotional cripple (we are still friends though).
Have been to IC and done a lot of reading into the topic. Part of the problem is that people make unfounded statements that damage both genders.
When people say that men want sex all the time, that men are HD than women etc it sets back peoples understanding to what it was decades ago.
Not all men want sex all the time. Not all women are LD. Each person has a unique sexual make up and this can change over time due to many factors.
There are no sweeping statements in all of this, each person is different and each couples dynamic is different.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Nothing is 100% and absolute, very true. Not all men are HD and not all women are LD. Look at TAM. My life experiences are not TAM based.

Some men seem to be LD due to being overweight and insecure, secretly addicted to porn, seeing someone else, etc. but they aren't really LD then. Some women are LD due to being abused, insecure about their size, bad ex bf, some trauma, etc. but that's not all women either.

My life experiences, from many medium to large machine shops, hundreds of people in my life so far, all has told me that the majority of all the guys, single or married wanted sex way more than their women did. The guys were complaining about how their women are not in the mood as much or really at all.....only one couple in the current shop I work at, his gf has a higher sex drive than he does. There is always a first. None of the past and present guys were saying, man, I don't want sex much and my woman always wants sex.......nope, not happening. Men are built more on testosterone, and that's a sex hormone, making us stronger, hornier, and muscular, etc. Just the way it is. 

If the vaste majority of women were HD like the guys, Most of TAM is gone over night and I wouldn't be here either.

I have been married for 14+ years now. I know my wifee very well at this point. I am HD and she is LD.

An older guy at the shop, 60 years old now, tells me, either your wifee is wanting to have kids soon, this is the reason to loose the weight and get in shape over the last 3 months versus nothing over 14 years or she is seeing someone else.

I also agree, never ask or beg for sex. Take the initiative and if she isn't in the mood, then don't over react and let it be. But when dealing with a LD wifee, that backfires, no sex for long periods of time. Luckily, my wifee is starting to initiate now and sex is about 3x week versus 1x month. I can live on that, being a HD guy who could have sex every day over the last 14 years of marriage, sex 1x month!!!

I understand the ladies quite well (my past, guys gf's and wives at the shops, etc.) and I've been married for 14+ years, through the bad times and good, I stuck it through and we made it work. I've learned a lot.

If I give my wifee a sensual hug, say she's sexy, looking great, hold her, grab her pants and pull her in, but no sex, she likes all of that. She still does not like me passionately kissing her neck, going down on her, lights on during sex, and we have never been in the shower together and she locks the doors. This is changing due to her on going weight loss and how she feels about herself. No weight loss and nothing would of changed, no matter how much I read, talk, tease, nothing would of changed on her part. Just the way it is. If my wifee would of taken care of herself from her teen years to present day, she meets me, is very fit, we get married, would she of had a healthy sex drive from day one? Possibly. But we'll never know.

When I weight train and take supplements, my test goes up and I can easily have sex every day and multiple times almost every day. No weight training and no supps, my test levels go down and I want sex only 1x day and maybe once every 2nd day. Test levels do make a big difference and since men are built mainly on test, we do have higher sex drives compared to a lot of the ladies. This is not outdated old school thinking from 30+ years ago. This is current over the last 14+ years.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Today, after I got home from work, I hit the couch for my mini nap. My wifee comes home and suddenly throws the pillows on me, we are cuddling!!! Under the blanket she went with my arm around her. She isn't asking anymore, she just wants cuddling and goes for it. Nice change.

Upstairs, I'm on the computer and she comes in, turns me around and gives me a hug while I'm seated. She pressed my face in her breasts and held me there for at least 30 seconds. I then got up, gave her a big hug and she just stood there for 1 minute, loving every second of it.

And we had sex Saturday evening and Sunday evening. Probably Wednesday evening as well..............sex 3x in 5 days, nice change. No more lame hurt full rejections or excuses either. Total positive attitude change on her part.

She always tells and shows me how her clothes are loose and they are loose. She just bought new pants and shirts and will have to do so again.:smthumbup:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It's been awhile since Ive checked in here CB. But I'm extatic to see you two are both still going strong. They say it take about three months to make something new into a habit that you don't even have to think about. I'd say you and your wife are about there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> It's been awhile since Ive checked in here CB. But I'm extatic to see you two are both still going strong. They say it take about three months to make something new into a habit that you don't even have to think about. I'd say you and your wife are about there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thx man. I think you're right about 3+ months, it becomes second nature at that point or pretty close to it.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CB, I was reading through and I have only one thing to point out: having sex 3 times a week may not be much _for you_, but it very likely could be _a lot_ for her. You, clearly, have the higher drive and it's unrealistic and *unfair* to expect her to match your drive and then maintain something she's unused to. Give and take is needed here. If she starts to feel like there can never be less than 3 times a week, these changes may likely reverse. 

Now, I don't mean that she should control the frequency. But nor should you. Sex should be mutual. You've said she doesn't have the confidence to try things like oral, and she doesn't initiate...if you want those things to change, _you_ have to make efforts for _her_ too. I don't know your wife, so I clearly don't know what she thinks or feels. However, I read your posts and I feel that you don't really understand your wife's sexuality either. It's important that you take the time to understand her sexuality as she continues to understand it as well. If she truly is LD, then you need to develop _reasonable_ expectations. When you take the time, the two of you may find you're more evenly matched than you thought, and she could turn out to have a higher drive. 

*Most importantly, if she has a low sexual drive, she needs to know that there's nothing wrong with that, nor should she feel as if she should be different.* You need to reach a common ground where you both are happy with the frequency, and neither feels taken advantage of.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> CB, I was reading through and I have only one thing to point out: having sex 3 times a week may not be much _for you_, but it very likely could be _a lot_ for her. You, clearly, have the higher drive and it's unrealistic and *unfair* to expect her to match your drive and then maintain something she's unused to. Give and take is needed here. If she starts to feel like there can never be less than 3 times a week, these changes may likely reverse.
> 
> Now, I don't mean that she should control the frequency. But nor should you. Sex should be mutual. You've said she doesn't have the confidence to try things like oral, and she doesn't initiate...if you want those things to change, _you_ have to make efforts for _her_ too. I don't know your wife, so I clearly don't know what she thinks or feels. However, I read your posts and I feel that you don't really understand your wife's sexuality either. It's important that you take the time to understand her sexuality as she continues to understand it as well. If she truly is LD, then you need to develop _reasonable_ expectations. When you take the time, the two of you may find you're more evenly matched than you thought, and she could turn out to have a higher drive.
> 
> *Most importantly, if she has a low sexual drive, she needs to know that there's nothing wrong with that, nor should she feel as if she should be different.* You need to reach a common ground where you both are happy with the frequency, and neither feels taken advantage of.



Good to hear from you.

I've been sexually starved for 14 years of marriage and I've had to relieve myself thousands of times because of this. I could say, she owes me sex for 14 years of only having sex 1x month, but I won't.

Now we are having sex about 3x every week, true. To me, that is the bare minimum so I almost never have to relieve myself. To her, its not a lot but its not almost no sex at 1x month either. I would say its normal or average for her and nothing excessive. She doesn't complain to me, it's too much sex at all, so that's good. And yes, she tells me truly what's on her mind and how she feels.

I don't expect her to be HD like me, even though it would be ideal, sexual match instead of sexual mismatch. So I aim for sex about 1x every 2nd day. 3x week, maybe 4x week and that's not a lot.

The sexual frequency was dictated by my wifee over the last 14 years........1x month..........by my wifee and not me. 14 years of a struggling marriage, little to almost no sex and just bad in general. That wasn't good for anything.

I could now say, I will dictate our sexual frequency for the next 14 years of sex 1x every day, 7 days per week, but I won't.....

When you get married, you are not your own anymore. You are to take care of your other halves needs as your own. My wifee being very overweight and LD was anything but this!!! 14 years of it......that is not whats best for our marriage. That was only what she wanted, and for herself.

Refresher, my wifee told me the real reason for her LD is she is extremely insecure about her size. She never did anything about it either. Vicious circle. Now that she is finally losing the weight, she is coming out of her shell, starting to do the things she wouldn't normally do and no more excuses, rejections and she likes to be sensually touched now. Just a few minutes ago, my wifee walks in, see, my new jeans are getting loose already. What do you think? I stood up, said she is looking really hot, put my arms around her and in her back pockets, pulling her in for a long hug. She loved this. The more the weight comes off, the more she becomes the woman she's always wanted to be.

I honestly don't think she is truly LD at this point. I know her being that size for so long made her very insecure, non sexual and she got used to this. Now that the weight is coming off, 30 lbs in 3 months, last time she told me, she is changing like crazy. If she was truly LD, the weight coming off wouldn't of made a difference, right?

When she looses the weight she wants, she told me having oral for her, lights on, in the shower for the first time, doors no longer locked, all will happen. For her, the weight and how she feels about her body prevents her from doing all these things. She is that insecure. As it stands, 30 lbs lost, I am happy. For her, she wants to lose another 50 lbs or so. So I encourage her, we eat the same foods, whenever she comes to me wearing new clothes, I always make the time and tell her how sexy she looks and give her sensual hugs, and I never turn her down for just cuddling and giving her a back rub. We watch some tv shows together and some we don't. Have our space. It's all good.

I don't baby or pamper my wifee. She is an adult and a woman. I treat her as my equal but with me still being the captain, alpha male, leading, etc.

Things are definitely looking up in all areas.:smthumbup:


My parents and sister all live in Portland Orgeon, in Beaverton.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> Hi Judith, not wanting to threadjack CB's thread. I have a fair idea about all of this after being married/divorcing a LD man. I am a VHD woman. His issues stemed from his upbringing and parents that stayed together for the kids sake, He was an emotional cripple (we are still friends though).
> Have been to IC and done a lot of reading into the topic. Part of the problem is that people make unfounded statements that damage both genders.
> When people say that men want sex all the time, that men are HD than women etc it sets back peoples understanding to what it was decades ago.
> Not all men want sex all the time. Not all women are LD. Each person has a unique sexual make up and this can change over time due to many factors.
> There are no sweeping statements in all of this, each person is different and each couples dynamic is different.



You are a VHD woman? That is every guys dream. Definitely mine anyway :smthumbup:

Imagine having great adventurous sex every day, 7 days per week. Heaven!!!

But if you knew he was LD, why would you, being VHD marry this guy????

Did you not know this when dating and getting close to being engaged and married that he was LD and this wasn't a great idea, you being VHD, extremely sexually incompatible?

EXTREMELY LD......LD........AVERAGE D........HD.......VERY HD.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update:


My wifee has to buy new clothes again, too loose.

She has lost more than 30 lbs now. Haven't asked and I won't.

Sex 5x in the last 8 days..........

I still have to be the initiator and aggressor for sex and things in our marriage. Just the way she is.

She is getting her 4 bottom teeth pulled this Thursday and lower braces installed. I've prepared for this and have bought a lot of liquid and smooth foods for her.

We watched Enders Game last night, cuddling on the couch, and she loved both. I didn't initiate sex, because that was non sex quality time.

I bought her a pre Valentines Day gift. Electric bed cover with two controllers and she loves it!!!:smthumbup:


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Good to hear from you.
> 
> I've been sexually starved for 14 years of marriage and I've had to relieve myself thousands of times because of this. I could say, she owes me sex for 14 years of only having sex 1x month, but I won't.


_If_ you said that you would be wrong, anyway. Your wife doesn't owe you anything for the last fourteen years. 



> Now we are having sex about 3x every week, true. To me, that is the bare minimum so I almost never have to relieve myself. To her, its not a lot but its not almost no sex at 1x month either. I would say its normal or average for her and nothing excessive. She doesn't complain to me, it's too much sex at all, so that's good. And yes, she tells me truly what's on her mind and how she feels.
> 
> I don't expect her to be HD like me, even though it would be ideal, sexual match instead of sexual mismatch. So I aim for sex about 1x every 2nd day. 3x week, maybe 4x week and that's not a lot.
> 
> ...


But you _are_ dictating the sexual frequency by saying that you won't accept less than what is currently in place. Just because the frequency is comfortable to _you_ doesn't mean it's comfortable for _her_. Now, I happen to believe that spouses _should_ be out of their comfort zones a little bit, as it shows that each are willing to sacrifice for the other. Sex three times a week could be perfectly fine for your wife, but it also might not. I'm only suggesting that you keep her needs in mind as well. I'm sure you're enjoying the new sexual frequency, but longevity should be the goal here and it's possible that this sexual frequency isn't going to be maintainable for your wife. 

Hypothetically speaking, if your wife went through a loss in her life and was grieving, would you expect her to still have sex with you three times a week? I only ask this question to make the point that sexual frequency fluctuates in marriage, _and that's normal_. Refusing to accept less than a certain amount can cause more issues than it solves. 



> When you get married, you are not your own anymore. You are to take care of your other halves needs as your own. My wifee being very overweight and LD was anything but this!!! 14 years of it......that is not whats best for our marriage. That was only what she wanted, and for herself.


I completely agree. No argument there. But anytime anyone here suggests that you compromise on anything with sex and its frequency, or that you might not be doing as much as you should, you get highly defensive and refuse to consider what others are saying. I could be completely wrong about all of this. Your wife could have completely changed and suddenly had a rise in her sexual desire. Reality, however, tells me that this is unlikely, which is why it's essential that you work _with_ her as much as possible, and that includes being open to compromise if it's needed. 



> Refresher, my wifee told me the real reason for her LD is she is extremely insecure about her size. She never did anything about it either. Vicious circle. Now that she is finally losing the weight, she is coming out of her shell, starting to do the things she wouldn't normally do and no more excuses, rejections and she likes to be sensually touched now. Just a few minutes ago, my wifee walks in, see, my new jeans are getting loose already. What do you think? I stood up, said she is looking really hot, put my arms around her and in her back pockets, pulling her in for a long hug. She loved this. The more the weight comes off, the more she becomes the woman she's always wanted to be.
> 
> I honestly don't think she is truly LD at this point. I know her being that size for so long made her very insecure, non sexual and she got used to this. Now that the weight is coming off, 30 lbs in 3 months, last time she told me, she is changing like crazy. If she was truly LD, the weight coming off wouldn't of made a difference, right?


Yes and no. The weight and lack of confidence may have been a part of her LD, but it's not all of it. People who lose weight often feel liberated and open to trying things they weren't confident in before, and that can include sexual things. However, this doesn't mean their natural sexual drive has actually increased. 



> When she looses the weight she wants, she told me having oral for her, lights on, in the shower for the first time, doors no longer locked, all will happen. For her, the weight and how she feels about her body prevents her from doing all these things. She is that insecure. As it stands, 30 lbs lost, I am happy. For her, she wants to lose another 50 lbs or so. So I encourage her, we eat the same foods, whenever she comes to me wearing new clothes, I always make the time and tell her how sexy she looks and give her sensual hugs, and I never turn her down for just cuddling and giving her a back rub. We watch some tv shows together and some we don't. Have our space. It's all good.


It's good that she's beginning to realize these things. Losing weight opens doors emotionally and physically, and I'm sure she will continue to find the answers to questions she may have asked herself earlier in life. I know you don't like my posts much, but I do have one caution: it's important that she knows you want her to be _her_, and not your ideal woman. Losing weight and finding these answers are wonderful and healing, but it can make a person feel as if they're finding out who they really are for the first time. This means that they can be very sensitive to influence, and in an attempt to embrace who they are, they actually embrace who they think their SO wants them to be. I know it sounds basic, but I encourage you to compliment your wife about things other than her weight loss...things unique to her: her interests, her sense of humor, her hobbies, her talents, her passions and desires in life. Show her that you want her to be the best _her_ she can be, and not the her _you_ want her to be.



> I don't baby or pamper my wifee. She is an adult and a woman. I treat her as my equal but with me still being the captain, alpha male, leading, etc.


What's wrong with pampering your wife? What's wrong with her pampering you? You sound very strict and unreasonable, CB. I understand not babying your wife, as she is an adult. But as your _wife_, don't you think she deserves to be pampered sometimes? 



> Things are definitely looking up in all areas.:smthumbup:
> 
> 
> My parents and sister all live in Portland Orgeon, in Beaverton.


I wish you the best. But I think you need to change in some big ways, CB, or you'll be facing a sexless marriage yet again.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

What gets me, is the LD spouse can deny the HD spouse sex for whatever reasons and gets away with it. My wifee starved me sexually for 14 years, and I have every right to expect make up sex for the next 14 years. Only being fair here. There is something called consequences....

Again, she dictated to me our sexual frequency for 14 years.......about 1x month and infinite rejections with excuses. Now its my turn to an extent, or she will dictate our sexual frequencies again, 1 - 2x month? until I die.....that is not happening. If by me initiating more gets us to have sex more and she comes out of her shell, then so be it. She is passive by the way, so I must initiate.

My wifee has never been raped, abused or gone through a terrible loss. She is fine but let herself go and thus became insecure and not very sexual. She did nothing to take care of herself over the 14 years of marriage. All her doing, and of her making. If she did go through something like these events, we would of gone to therapy long ago and the sexless 14 years wouldn't of happened.

True, a wifee is to take care of her hubby's needs and not only what she wants......wrong reason to get married then. And I am to take care of her needs which I did, but she didn't for me and she knew I have a higher sex drive. She knew and didn't change or compromise much at all.....

I compromised left and right, you name it, and I did it for her. Still no compromise and change on her part for 14 years....I made the effort, and she didn't. Compromise wasn't an issue on my part. So when I won't compromise much more, you have an understanding as to why. One person does the majority of the compromising and the other does minimal, nope.

If my wifee's sex drive, doing sexual things and taking the initiative didn't change after her on going weight loss, then, yup, she is truly LD. But this is not the case at all, so I am thinking she is coming out of her shell due to feeling better about herself from the on going weight loss. She loves the results and tells and shows me all the time.

Again, she wanted to lose the weight, get the braces and feel sexy, so now she finally got it and is doing so. I asked her, you aren't doing this for me are you? She told me, this is primarily for her, and something she's always wanted to do. I am getting the positive benefits from all this.

If I can go from skinny, thick coke bottle glass, nerd, to big, strong, with laser eye surgery, for myself and my wife since we got married, she had no excuses. I did it, and she could of done it too instead of wasting our younger years and sexual primes.

I do surprise her time to time and even spoil her a bit, but not all the time. I have done more for her in that regard than she ever has done for me over the 14 years. Flowers before she gets up for work, romantic cards, dinner ready when she gets home, surprise gifts, back rubs, listening to her day, chores done and you name it. Has she done the equivalent for me? You know the answer to that one. I don't harsh spoil and baby my wife, that is not a good thing to do. If you spoil and pamper too much, we all know what happens and nothing good comes of this.



She told me tonight, she has now lost 32 lbs .......:smthumbup:

And she loves the surprise electric bed cover I got her. Her feet are nice and warm now. I did this as a total surprise for her only 4 days ago.....has she surprised me with anything?.....



I have a question or two for you now, if you don't mind.


- Why do you always seem to take the side of the woman and never the guys????

- Why in your mind are the ladies never wrong and its always the men's fault in some way and we must change even more???

- Why do you favor the LD spouses and not the HD spouses???

Us guys are to compromise more and more, left and right, put up with our LD wifee's, more surprises, pamper them, spoil them more, don't pressure them for sex, its not what we want as men, etc, etc, etc.. right? But what are the wifee's doing in equivalence for us????:scratchhead:

Marriage is 50 / 50....and not one sided. I am fortunate that my wifee is a hard working, frugal woman and not a spoiled, needing to be pampered brat that gets away with whatever and there are no consequences. She is not like this and those are part of the reasons I married her.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

I have to ask. Sorry if this came up before.

Why do you spell wife as "wifee"?


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

I would like to chime in here...
I've been following this thread because I love reading your posts on your wife's life progress. It sounds like she is doing wonderfully!

I've been labeled "low drive" by husband in the past. And I'm really not sure if that label is accurate. For most of my life I've been overweight. Last March I finally tipped the scales at 192 lbs! (I'm 5'4") 

So I decided, okay, enough is enough, time to get serious. I will mention I have also learned that I'm borderline diabetic. I've lost 22 pounds so far. Not nearly as fast as your wife is losing, but I AM steadily losing, so that is good. 

I can honestly say, that with each pound I lose, and each inch I shed, my sex drive incereases just a bit. Maybe it is a self confidence thing. But more in the fact that I feel sexier. Does that make sense? On top of that I'm working out on a regular basis so have more energy and stamina. 

Feeling Healthy+Feeling Sexy=Higher Sex Drive

I also think there is a close connection between weight and hormones, that probably has something to do with it as well. And I just turned 40 so that midlife hormonal surge everyone talks about?

I also must note that the kids are grown and I'm not all locked up in "MOMMY MODE" 24/7 anymore, so I think I've transitioned to "SEX KITTEN MODE" these days. And hubby has acknowledged that I have needs that don't include sex. 

I have a normal to high/normal drive now. I think about sex a lot. I just can't wait to see what happens after I lose another 20 pounds!


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi 

SEe responses below yours

Judith; I want to respond to the other one. 

What gets me, is the LD spouse can deny the HD spouse sex for whatever reasons and gets away with it. My wifee starved me sexually for 14 years, and I have every right to expect make up sex for the next 14 years. Only being fair here. There is something called consequences....

Juidth; CB your thinking like a guy. Your not thinking like a woman. Women approach sex differently than a guy. It Is not about getting away with it. It is how a woman approach sex and thinks about it. Is why.
Your action oriented and see results by actions. We women have to relate nonsexually and not action oriented for us to think it through before we act on it and if we are feeling pain or whatever the emotion is and the relationship is now what we need it to be because of how we are wired then we cant do sex. She has to decide to want sex before her body will let her. It is not about her wanting or not wanting sometimes to do it. Her body sometimes will not let her if her emotions are not there. Ask any sexual abuse victim about that in their vaginal area and you will find out about that if they are honest. 
I understand what your saying and if she could she would do that but it doesn't happen that way. That is a male female difference that will not change. There was a reason why she did not only because of her weight etc but also because of her emtoions about things. Fair is fair but you cant always force a woman to be fair. 

This was an eye opening thing and healing for me to see that a woman can control sex when she is not in pain- emotional pain not action oriented pain. 

Again, she dictated to me our sexual frequency for 14 years.......about 1x month and infinite rejections with excuses. Now its my turn to an extent, or she will dictate our sexual frequencies again, 1 - 2x month? until I die.....that is not happening. If by me initiating more gets us to have sex more and she comes out of her shell, then so be it. She is passive by the way, so I must initiate.

Judith: It is normal and not a sexless marriage if it happens once a month for twelve months every year. I look that up because of friends and family and others on other sites say they were sexless. 
She wont dictate it like it was before not to the extent of what you had before given where she is now. I am a woman and know what I am talking about it. trust me. Women are wired to be slow because of how their body works they need the foreplay because of the emotion and relational aspect so there is a reason why she may not always initiate. True I agree on your last sentence but remember not to make that be the only thing etc. She wants you to initiate because of women like to be pursued. If they are emotionally healthy 

My wifee has never been raped, abused or gone through a terrible loss. She is fine but let herself go and thus became insecure and not very sexual. She did nothing to take care of herself over the 14 years of marriage. All her doing, and of her making. If she did go through something like these events, we would of gone to therapy long ago and the sexless 14 years wouldn't of happened.

Juidth; true but your thinking like a man and not a woman. you don't handle body image issues like a woman does. iT is more than just her body. She as the saying goes that I was helped by she needs you to lover her as a person and her body. NOt just her body. It doesn't have to involve rape, etc for her to have issues with sex. IT can be just a word or look that has nothing to do with sex that can affect her view of sex. I know it is hard for you to trust what I am saying but remember your thinking like a guy. agreed but there was more to it than just her looks. YOu males think in terms of looks and not relational. Even though the relational is important

True, a wifee is to take care of her hubby's needs and not only what she wants......wrong reason to get married then. And I am to take care of her needs which I did, but she didn't for me and she knew I have a higher sex drive. She knew and didn't change or compromise much at all.....

Judith; Agreed. But the mother and father are supposed to teach her how to relate to the opposite sex and if they didn't do it like she needed it will affect her view of sex. I know you don't understand that but that is fact. No because she didn't realize and understand men and sex. Women don't. Regardless of their experience with males before marrying. 
Men know a little more than women do in some respects. She doesn't realize that and women don't that sometimes they need to give sex out of love because of his needs due to how easy it is for him to find it somewhere else. I understand that now after a lot of factors involved not only my own healing and so on but also friends and family and others that I am being friends with to help to heal in all kinds of situations for a lack of better way in saying it. There is a title called Women and Their Fathers -the SExual and Romantic IMpact of the first Man in Their Life. 
That says it all about women and sex and men. regardless of the background. OThers reading this don't misunderstand me. I am only give the brief of it. 

I compromised left and right, you name it, and I did it for her. Still no compromise and change on her part for 14 years....I made the effort, and she didn't. Compromise wasn't an issue on my part. So when I won't compromise much more, you have an understanding as to why. One person does the majority of the compromising and the other does minimal, nope.

Judith; Yes and she wanted to but couldn't due to the relational and emotional factors. Trust me. She had to do it from within emotionally and thinking process. When a woman doesn't want to lose her man she will work on it. unless regardless of what cause the pain makes her fear change she may not. 
I understand and agree and she will get there and then compromise in a good way not an unhealthy way

If my wifee's sex drive, doing sexual things and taking the initiative didn't change after her on going weight loss, then, yup, she is truly LD. But this is not the case at all, so I am thinking she is coming out of her shell due to feeling better about herself from the on going weight loss. She loves the results and tells and shows me all the time.

Judith: Agree but usually when a woman feels good emotionally etc nonsexually and is receive nonsexual touch daily and her man is contacting her daily etc she is and there is no issues that need to be resolved nonsexual ones -she is open in the bedroom like you wouldn't believe. agree. But you do need to be careful you are doing it out of genunine motives and not use her to get sex. That will turn a woman off in no time. unless she is afraid to say so

Again, she wanted to lose the weight, get the braces and feel sexy, so now she finally got it and is doing so. I asked her, you aren't doing this for me are you? She told me, this is primarily for her, and something she's always wanted to do. I am getting the positive benefits from all this.

Judith; Good. 

If I can go from skinny, thick coke bottle glass, nerd, to big, strong, with laser eye surgery, for myself and my wife since we got married, she had no excuses. I did it, and she could of done it too instead of wasting our younger years and sexual primes.

Judith; agree but her emotional issues is what delayed it. regarding herself and sex. 

I do surprise her time to time and even spoil her a bit, but not all the time. I have done more for her in that regard than she ever has done for me over the 14 years. Flowers before she gets up for work, romantic cards, dinner ready when she gets home, surprise gifts, back rubs, listening to her day, chores done and you name it. Has she done the equivalent for me? You know the answer to that one. I don't harsh spoil and baby my wife, that is not a good thing to do. If you spoil and pamper too much, we all know what happens and nothing good comes of this.

Judith; I know she didn't do it for you in those 14 years but the fact remains that she couldn't give where she was emotionally. Sometimes women need a push from their spouses. My friend did and wanted her husband to push her not me. She needs that that your doing it helps in the relationship nonsexually but yes to much can be a ...



Judith; I don't remember where I saw you say it but there is a difference between a women being passive and vs being "submissive" There is a study done and article on this on the internet where it shows that women have been interview and ask about being submissive in sex. They said that they are wired and feel comfortable with being the receiver/submissive in sex vs the initiator- so it is hard for a woman sometimes who is emotionally healthy etc to initiate. That is why the man does it more than the woman. They found that they couldn't always be dominant in sex. Passive is what women like your wife do when there is emotional issues about their body and sex etc. I am talking in the third person as well as ... 



I have a question or two for you now, if you don't mind.


- Why do you always seem to take the side of the woman and never the guys????

Judith: If your referring to me , I am sorry it is coming across that way. I am only showing that usually that is how a woman is wired and what she experiences. You males are wired to be action oriented and do things and have hands on stuff and that plays into sex. AS well as you think about sex all the time and have a physical reminder. We women only get a physical reminder when we are touch in a way for it. 
Your -I am going to be blunt-ligquid inside of you reminds you when you need sex and it regulates to how often you need sex. When it gets in a equal medium of sex -it flows that way -when it has to be changed your liquid is letting you know through your brain and actions for starters. Plus 
talk to women on the net , experience etc is what also has shown this to be true that women are wired to relate nonsexually first regardless then sex in the bedroom and there for men struggle with that if there is an emotional issue involved that delays the bedroom thing and women don't understand that sometimes men need sex to feel close

- Why in your mind are the ladies never wrong and its always the men's fault in some way and we must change even more???

JUidht; Because men have a hard time delay sex and due to what I have seen from this board and other places in how people are doing sex these days-I am seeing men struggle sexually due to not understand how men need to relate to women nonsexually in order to receive sex. 
And marriage suffer in friends and family for doing it backwards vs forward and that is why men are struggling sexually etc. I am not saying it is all the men fault but I am saying that due to men not understanding women and how they come to sex makes it a challenge for them to not realize they men need to approach it differently when it comes to sex. If I said it was wrong I never meant that men are wrong with regards to sex. I meant they are not understanding women in how sex needs to happen for women

- Why do you favor the LD spouses and not the HD spouses???

Judith; I favor no one -I favor both -but the LD can be HD. I know a LD women who was that way before with her first husband and with her second -they are on the same page emotionally and therefor are HD together. Because the emotional issues of both are gone and are equal. Even he has been the one that has been to tired or so to not want it and she wants it which blows my mind. 

Us guys are to compromise more and more, left and right, put up with our LD wifee's, more surprises, pamper them, spoil them more, don't pressure them for sex, its not what we want as men, etc, etc, etc.. right? But what are the wifee's doing in equivalence for us????

Judith: well they give you admiration , appreciation, make a home for you to come to to unwind from work and enjoy being at home with them and interact with a woman who is soft and touchy feely. No both of you need to compromise. the key is that a woman cant if she has emotionally issues going on
The five needs that men need that are listed in the His Needs Her NEeds books. 

Marriage is 50 / 50....and not one sided. I am fortunate that my wifee is a hard working, frugal woman and not a spoiled, needing to be pampered brat that gets away with whatever and there are no consequences. She is not like this and those are part of the reasons I married her. 


Judith; Agree. good. don't stop.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

CB 

Createdtowrite said below: see my responses below hers


Now, I don't mean that she should control the frequency. But nor should you. Sex should be mutual. 

However, I read your posts and I feel that you don't really understand your wife's sexuality either. It's important that you take the time to understand her sexuality as she continues to understand it as well. If she truly is LD, then you need to develop reasonable expectations. 

When you take the time, the two of you may find you're more evenly matched than you thought, and she could turn out to have a higher drive. 

Judith; This is what I have also been trying to say. as well as the part where she says-you two may find your more evenly matched than you thought. That is what i have been trying to say when i say-equal in HD vs LD


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Holland and CB and 

see responses below yours. 

Hi Judith, not wanting to threadjack CB's thread. I have a fair idea about all of this after being married/divorcing a LD man. I am a VHD woman. His issues stemed from his upbringing and parents that stayed together for the kids sake, He was an emotional cripple (we are still friends though).


Judith: I agree. My one of my points was i was trying to make is that due to your husband emotional issues is why he was LD. IT is the emotional that contributes to it the HD or LD. I agree with what your saying. This is what i was also trying to say


Have been to IC and done a lot of reading into the topic. Part of the problem is that people make unfounded statements that damage both genders.

Judith; Trust me that is not me jsut FYI. I understand what your saying

When people say that men want sex all the time, that men are HD than women etc it sets back peoples understanding to what it was decades ago.

Judith: I understand this and agree but this is not what i am saying. They only want sex all the time becuase they are not getting it for whatever reason through no fault of there own. This is was and is healing from me to see this after hearing stories and being helped etc. dont know how else to say this. I am saying when the emotional issues are resolved on both sides then they both are nearly the same like Createdtowrite said. 
I am saying they can be equal when the emotional issues are resolved unless and i realize men will always be a tad bit or tiny bit or so on a little more than women but still over all they are and can be equal if...

Not all men want sex all the time. Not all women are LD. Each person has a unique sexual make up and this can change over time due to many factors.

Judith; Agree
CB this si what i am also trying to say

There are no sweeping statements in all of this, each person is different and each couples dynamic is different. 

Judith; True but most of it involves emotional issues , relational and body image issues for women. True. I am saying that the like your husbands past contributed to him being Low drive.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

CB, this post is a bit lengthy. But, my intention isn't to pick apart your posts. You make at least a dozen different points in your post, and I wanted to address them. So, instead of just addressing them paragraph by paragraph, I've stated my beliefs in a straightforward way(since you've made a lot of assumptions about me that needed correcting), and I answered your questions. 

1. I believe sex is a vital and important component to marriage. Without it, the marriage, and therefore the spouses, suffer. In an ideal world, we would all be paired with someone whose sexual drive matches our own. But, that isn't reality. This is why compromise and working together is important. 

2. The past doesn't, and shouldn't, define how you see your wife. What you should be focusing on is the present, and the future...enjoying what you currently have, and working towards maintaining it long term. Not punishing your wife at a time when you should be rewarding her.

3. If marriage is supposed to be 50/50, and not one sided, then no...you _don't_ get to dictate the frequency. And nor does she. *Your desire to control the sexual aspect of your relationship, out of your fear of sexlessness, will be what sends you back sex once a month.* Marriages can't survive without trust, and right now she's trying to rebuild the trust that was destroyed. But trust is mutual. It can't exist based on the actions of one person. If you want these changes to last, you need to let go of the past, and start learning to trust again.

4. I firmly and absolutely believe that your wife was entirely in the wrong for dictating the sexual frequency, ignoring your needs, and denying you sex. I believe that a _temporary_ lack of sex can be necessary at times; when a spouse is ill, when there's been a loss in their life and they're grieving, when they're just too tired, etc. But those are _temporary_, and not long-term. 

5. *I think you're switching places with your wife. You compromised for 14 years, and she didn't. Now she's the one compromising and you're not. Does this sound like 50/50? This is sounds selfish and one-sided to me.*

6. You're judging your wife's choices based on who you are, not who she is. She _wasn't ready_ to make those changes(braces, losing weight), and you were. Just because you were ready to make those changes doesn't mean she needed to be ready at the same time. 

7. The time to stop pampering your wife was during that 14 years when she wasn't making you a priority, not now when her actions have changed and she's losing weight and having sex with you. Positive reinforcement, ya know? Now is the time to pamper your wife, shower your love and appreciation all over her...make her feel like the luckiest most cherished woman in the world. If you enforce consequences now, when she's giving you what you've wanted for the last 14 years, you _will_ push her away.

8. According to you, you had sex almost every other day last week. That's not surprising? And she's been losing weight in a short amount of time. That's not surprising? 



> - Why do you always seem to take the side of the woman and never the guys????


I don't always take the side of the woman. There have been women here I've disagreed with many times, especially when they try and justify not having sex with their SO. I don't believe in withholding sex, whether you're a man or a woman. Sex is vital to both men and women, and I believe it is one of the most importance aspects of marriage. 

However, I don't agree with men who want to punish their wives for their mistakes. 



> - Why in your mind are the ladies never wrong and its always the men's fault in some way and we must change even more???


I do NOT think that it's always the man's fault. Your wife was wrong for denying you sex and dictating the frequency, especially when you'd been trying to tell her how important it is to you. She wasn't listening to your pleas for love and acceptance, and that was wrong of her. She ignored the efforts you made to show her love, and made no efforts of her own to show _you_ love. She was focused on herself. 

However, as of _now, I think you are the one in the wrong. Now you are the one focused on yourself when you should be focused on the both of you, and the new life you can have. 

As for changing, I think we should always strive to be better than we are. 




- Why do you favor the LD spouses and not the HD spouses???

Click to expand...

Firstly, I don't "favor" anyone. I sympathize with both sides. I also understand both sides. The LD spouse often feels that they're only wanted for sex; that their spouse can't love them unless they want and enjoy sex. The HD spouse often feels unwanted because, if their spouse really loved them, wouldn't they desire them? Both sides can end up feeling judged and unwanted, and it takes a lot of effort for mismatched couples to overcome this issue. Many don't overcome it.

The reason I bear down on you and not your wife is because you're treating her like she's still withholding sex from you; your attitude suggests that you don't trust her...if you pamper her too much, she'll go back to withholding sex...if you spoil her too much, she'll go back to withholding sex. I don't agree with that mindset at all. Have boundaries; they're healthy...but only enforce them when you need to. 




Us guys are to compromise more and more, left and right, put up with our LD wifee's, more surprises, pamper them, spoil them more, don't pressure them for sex, its not what we want as men, etc, etc, etc.. right? But what are the wifee's doing in equivalence for us????:scratchhead:

Click to expand...

You couldn't be more wrong. I believe all spouses should compromise. If one finds themselves in a position where their spouse is withholding sex, I don't believe that they should pamper their wives/husbands more, or give more surprises, or spoil them. But when/if their spouse changes and they stop withholding sex, I absolutely think they should spoil and pamper them. And that means wives spoiling and pampering their husband's too. 




Marriage is 50 / 50....and not one sided. I am fortunate that my wifee is a hard working, frugal woman and not a spoiled, needing to be pampered brat that gets away with whatever and there are no consequences. She is not like this and those are part of the reasons I married her.

Click to expand...

Your marriage isn't 50/50, CB. It doesn't sound like it's ever been 50/50._


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Today, after work, my wifee came to me while I was on the computer and she sat on my lap. She tells me, I have to buy new jeans again and she stands up and shows me and yes, she does and I can almost pull them off her again. She was wearing her sexy underwear and he attitude the confidence about her on going weight loss is amazing. I am very proud of her and tell my co workers all the time about how she is changing. They have never met her before because she is very insecure, shy and doesn't want them to see her as the size she was, but in one year from now, she might meet them for the first time. 

32+ lbs lost in 3.5 months, fantastic. :smthumbup:

It's a little stressful here right now because less than 24 hours from now she is getting 4 of her bottom teeth pulled, to make room for the others to fill in and her bottom braces being installed. I am trying to be supportive but she is getting picky and angry about everything right now and is starting to really get under my skin. I am upstairs and cooling off, so as not to start a fight. At least her mom is over tomorrow to be with her while I am at work. But my wifee goes into insane cleaning mode, spending her entire evening cleaning house. She tells me, you don't do chores, etc. What a lie on her part. I tell her, I do about 20 minutes of chores every day, 7 days per week and grocery shop, and all outside watering, landscaping, taking time off work for technicians and she does none of this. She shuts up at that point. 

Anyhoo, Thursday after I get home from work will be a hit or miss situation. Either Mrs. cuddlebug is doing okay with her mom here or she isn't. I tell her, I had gum recession surgery while I was awake and gum biopsies, so getting a few teeth pulled is no big deal. You will be okay.

I will give her a nice back rub tonight, some cuddling, no sex, the electric bed cover turned on, and until she falls asleep. Tomorrow is going to be a fun day.......

Oh, she also said no flowers for Valentines Day. I smiled when she said that and now she thinks I am going to do something. She isn't like most ladies, flowers, jewelery, going out partying etc. She isn't a princess or a spoiled brat or a baby. She is pretty much my equal, smart, frugal, not a princess, and disciplined like myself, practical and realistic. Those qualities I admire in a woman.:smthumbup:

I am always open to positive constructive suggestions and points but not if looking for things to attack, nit pick and almost start something, when there is nothing really there. And only taking a woman's point of view over everything and never from the guy's standpoint is sexist, wrong and not cool. Try and look at things through a man's eyes and not a woman's. Big differences.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

When she starts getting upset, just reflect the feeling (You feel upset. You're angry. You're nervous, etc.). Just repeating back to her what she is telling you or showing you should calm her down. 

You have to be sincere, though.

You know, you don't have to just avoid arguments. You can actually try to see into her heart and help calm her down. You do this by listening, using the above method. Listening just seems to calm women down. It makes them feel respected and understood.

And congrats to your wife on her weight loss! Very exciting!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jld said:


> When she starts getting upset, just reflect the feeling (You feel upset. You're angry. You're nervous, etc.). Just repeating back to her what she is telling you or showing you should calm her down.
> 
> You have to be sincere, though.
> 
> ...



See, for me, I don't get angry easily or very quickly but when I do, watch out. I'm not the type of a guy to start fights but I will finish them and all the way.

I am giving her space right now, so she can relax, watch some tv and chill. Later, I will be there for her and massage and cuddle up to her, putting her to sleep.

I'm not the type of guy who avoids arguments at all costs. Not at all. I love arguments, sometimes too much, my aggressive, alpha male and confrontational personality you see. That's why I try and avoid them a bit.

I can listen to her. She does calm down, very true. Tonight will be some listening and cuddling time for her.

Thx. I am very happy and impressed with her discipline in finally eating right and loosing the weight. I tell her all the time she looks sexy and damn, very nice. She is getting used to that attention, and she likes it, but more time is needed, over a 14 year period of nothing. Can't expect it all in 3.5 months versus 14 years, so very true. I don't push it, but I go with it whether its a lot or minimal.

Time to weight train and take a deep breath.........calm down........no fighting.........relax..........from now to the same time tomorrow is going to be stressful.


And for me, when I listen to my wifee, for hours about her day and stresses, what happens is she transfers all her stress onto me. After that she feels fantastic and I feel like I am going to explode. I see it as a negative stress energy transfer from her to me. Then I don't weight train or do what I would of done because I am all wound up. Can you see this from my perspective, a man? This is what happens most of the time. She gets it off her chest, hours later, talking to me, I am only listening and she feels great, stress free and I now feel like she did and want to freak out..... This is why I don't listen to her day, every day, hours at a time because I would go insane. From a guy's perspective. I like to solve and fix things, get results and never just talk about it, going no where, etc......drives me crazy to be honest.

And sex to me anyway, is my major stress reliever. Just talking about something, getting all worked up and no sex, is no good for me at all. If after my wifee's de-stressing sessions, we had good sex, she would be stress free from the talking and sharing and I would be stress free from the sex. Maybe the ladies can learn from this???


Like right now, I am all wound up and not in a good mood because of her de-stressing session.....no weight training now, I cannot focus.....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cuddlebug, you make me laugh out loud. You need to strike a bargain with your wife that if you listen, she will have sex with you. 

But if it is presented that way, she will be offended. Poor guy. 

Don't absorb her stress, C. Just let it roll off your back. That is the point of active listening. Just repeat it back to her. You don't have to take it in. You don't have to agree or problem solve. Just repeat it back and listen calmly. She will solve her own problem. And she will give you the credit, because you were so calm and patient with her. And all you did was repeat it back!

If you are getting stressed when you listen to her, you are not doing it right, my friend.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jld said:


> Cuddlebug, you make me laugh out loud. You need to strike a bargain with your wife that if you listen, she will have sex with you.
> 
> But if it is presented that way, she will be offended. Poor guy.
> 
> ...



If I could only have that arrangement. I listen to my wifee, she totally un stresses and I get sex to get rid of her absorbed stress dump.

Easier said than done. I get involved with my wifee stress of life because I care and love her. I can't just let it roll off me and not get involved. I can try.....

I totally agree she will solve her own problems her own way and in her own time.

See, I am calm at first....but by the end, a few hours later, I am stressed up and not a happy camper and she feels great. Thanks for listening.....all happy on her part.....and I am going crazy and she wonders why?!

I think its healthy for the ladies to have many hobbies and go out with the girls and not just dump it on their men. Right?

As a man and hubby, I am not as emotional or talkative as my wifee, so when she un stresses with me, its over load and drives me crazy. Just the way it is.

That's why I say, the ladies go out with the girls, many hobbies, cardio at the gym, etc.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Your posts are kinda disturbing to me. You seem happy as long as your wife is acting according to your standards. When she starts doing something you don't like or agree with (ie cleaning the house) you get angry. To be honest you come off as controlling and irrational. Maybe I'm wrong and things just don't translate well on the internet. I think C2W is trying to say the same thing but in a more diplomatic way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Women are not men, C. If you want her to bond to you, and not her girlfriends, you need to invest in her.

It is not about you, C. It's about her. Unselfishness.


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

I'm a bit concerned with the focus on her weight loss now, honestly. Over 30 pounds in 3 months is losing weight very, very rapidly. I'm not going to say it's unhealthy, morbidly obese people may lose that much that quickly without it being unhealthy, but it's certainly unusually fast. 

Are you and her prepared for her weight loss to slow, stall, or reverse? I would bet a powerball jackpot on her not being able to sustain rapid weight loss all the way down to her goal weight, especially not if she's losing so very quickly in the beginning, which may indicate that she is severely undereating.

I don't mean to criticize her weight loss methods or say "SHE WILL FAIL", what I'm getting at is that -- and I may be wrong -- I am getting the impression from your posts that both you and her are ecstatic about her success to this point, and a lot of this sexual revolution is coming from her increased self esteem from managing to lose 30 pounds. This is great, but no one manages to get down to their goal weight and maintain it without some setbacks and disappointments. It just doesn't happen. I'm concerned that you, and her, may not be prepared for stalls and setbacks in the weight loss process. Successful weight loss, especially when you're beginning as an obese or morbidly obese person, takes years to attain and years to maintain.

I'm worried that you may be resentful of her WHEN she begins struggling with her weight loss regimen, when the pounds stop dropping with lightning speed, when she has weight loss stalls that last for weeks or months. Hinging your/her happiness, self esteem, and sex life, on her weight loss is setting you both up for a fall. I think both of you need to explore other opportunities for her to gain self esteem and confidence, that have nothing to do with her weight and/or physical appearance.

My husband and I have lost a combined total of over 100 lbs and maintained that loss for several years, so I've been down that road. It's bumpy, which is why I'm urging caution.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

You didn't even respond to my post.  You asked me those questions. If you can't take the answers, that's your problem. I don't even think you ready my post. If you had you would have seen that I'm not "taking the woman's side". I acknowledged that your wife was 100% wrong for withholding sex from you. There was no excuse for it, none whatsoever. 

It's that right now, I think you are absolutely wrong in the way you treat her and in the things you say. You sound controlling, unreasonable and selfish...like you don't want your wife to be completely happy. You don't even want to support her when she's had a stressful day! *Selfish*. You don't want a healthy marriage. You want a one-sided marriage where your happiness is all that matters.


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## LVLOVER711 (Oct 27, 2013)

jd08 said:


> Your posts are kinda disturbing to me. You seem happy as long as your wife is acting according to your standards. When she starts doing something you don't like or agree with (ie cleaning the house) you get angry. To be honest you come off as controlling and irrational. Maybe I'm wrong and things just don't translate well on the internet. I think C2W is trying to say the same thing but in a more diplomatic way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel this is exactly what C2W was trying to say as well. From more your your readings CB I now get more of a picture of things. So you do not like listening to your wife's problems to long because it stresses you out. That is why you believe women should vent to other women the majority of the time. When I married my husband he is my BF and confidant. He expects me to come to him and vent my stresses before my girlfriends. Our married isn't just about cuddling, watching shows and sex. 

You have also stated many times that the way you De-stress is by sex. So by all accounts she is to De-stress you but you can't listen to long to her life problems. 

CB I really think you need to listen to all advice not just what you want to hear. Your way of thinking of you being a alpha and having things your way will only get so far in your marriage. Her weight loss while great should not be the top of your list. You do not have to treat her like a princess but you should treat her like she is special. Treat her as your BF! Her worth shouldn't be how many times she has sex with you. Or how much weight she loses. Those are great things in life but make a small portion of what marriage and life should be. 

Honestly your way of thinking is only going to get your marriage so far. I think IC would be very beneficial for you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am not controlling or irrational. I am a very disciplined and orderly individual.

Try and see this through my eyes, a man and not a woman's. Women will never understand what's its like through a guys mind.

For 14 years of marriage, we had sex about 1x month and sometimes less than that. This is due to my wifee letting herself go. 14 years of this is a very long time for a wifee to do this to her husband. That is selfish and not womanly on her part. Of course, I am sexually starved, her doing, and I get angry and frustrated. How would the ladies like it if their men didn't give them their emotional closeness or what they really needed for 14 years of marriage? Would you guys be happy with that? Not at all and you would be frustrated and angry like I have been and probably have EA's.

I do the majority of all the inside and outside chores, errands, work full time job, weight train, grocery shop, etc. My wifee works a full time job too and that's all she really does. So I did the majority of things for our marriage. On her own, she won't do much and just talks. I don't talk about things and do nothing, I get it done yesterday. All the initiating and upgrades inside and outside our place are due to me. If left to my wifee, nothing would of got done.

Now she over the last 3.5 months is finally eating better and watching her calories. From this she has now lost 32 lbs in 3.5 months and her sex drive has gone from 1x month or less to 3x week. She has done a 180 and I am blown away. You have no idea how happy I am now.

Now lets go back to those 14 years of sex only 1x month or less. Sexual build up, frustration, anger, and resentment. It will take me some time to totally get over the 14 years she wasted. More than 3.5 months anyway but I am still hopeful and wish for the best.

I have been very supportive of her weight loss, eating the same foods, cuddling, doing more things together, complimenting her on the new sexy clothing, etc. She is becoming a different person and loves it. She isn't doing this because I am making her. She didn't do anything for 14 years, while I weight trained and changed for myself and her.

If there is something on my wifee's mind, she tells me. She isn't the type of woman to keep quiet and tell me what I want to hear.

She isn't a princes, spoiled, lazy or a pampered brat. She is a hard working, smart with her money and trustworthy woman.

Do I control her? Tell her what to do? No. That is some anger, frustration and resentment coming to the surface here from 14 years of very little intimacy. I am getting better but it will take more than 3.5 months verses 14 years. There is something called consequences and no one gets away doing things scotch free.

For me, I do not like to hear her talk for hours about her stressful days. Her stress transfers to me, then she feels great and I am going crazy. That's why I say she needs hobbies, go out with the girls and do things that help her unwind instead of always talking about it. I can't talk about things and not find ways to resolve them. Drives me crazy.

IC for me? For my wifee as well, why she wasted 14 years of our marriage, our primes, all gone. That is beyond selfish.

She has now lost, as of today, 35 lbs and is extremely happy with the ongoing results. If she wouldn't of got off her butt, started eating better and soon going back to the gym, I don't know how much longer I honestly would of lasted.....and that's being honest.

I never ever listen to her stressful days? That is not true at all. I do listen to her, just not all the time and she can talk about her stresses every day, were as I don't and have my hobbies, and weight training to relax me. She can talk about her days, 2 - 4 hours every day and after all that, nothing is resolved, she feels great, and I am going insane.

Our marriage is not one sided at all. It is as 50 / 50 being realistic. Bills, both working full time jobs, doing things around the house by assisting me, I grocery shop too and she does the laundry, etc. 14 years she wasn't a good wifee, 14 years that were wasted due to her not getting off her butt, 14 years I will never get back. And I am being selfish because I want serious change and to do the things most couples have done that we never have done together?! Hmmmmm.......:scratchhead:

Some women say what they are going to do and they do it. Some just talk about it and years go on by.......My wifee is or was a talker.

Now I don't want to seem like I'm an ass but I don't take well to those trying to find things to nit pick me on, like they're looking for something that isn't there and a confrontation. Those type of posts will get me angry and fast. Positive, constructive posts. I know C2W is trying to help me and I thank her for that, but the way she came across in her first post or two, was not cool and when I didn't respond the way she wanted, how she wanted, what she wanted to hear, she got mad.......not cool. What do you expect? How is that trying to help me?


Back to my thread. My wifee had her teeth pulled today, and yes, I listened to her. What a shocker, right? She is drugged up pretty good right now, so I am giving her space to relax and chill. I don't think she wants me over for cuddling right now. That's also when she told me she has now lost 35 lbs......I told her fantastic. Her mom was over today, talking with her and playing with our cat. She loves our cat. My wifee isn't the same woman of 14 years and she is becoming a new and different woman. I am supporting her the best I can and not controlling her in the least. I lead though, doing the alpha male thing and she is naturally passive, so it works for us.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Okay, sorry about that, C. Just take what works for you and leave the rest, okay? We all meant well. We did not mean to offend.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

No apologies necessary. 

I started this thread because I wanted to share my wife's positive changes and what I learned from TAM that helped me. Something more positive instead of the usual on TAM.

I guess not all will like that.....

I will continue to update everyone on my wifee's life changes and our sex life.

I am getting over the 14 years of my life and prime that were wasted but since my wifee is passive, I must take the initiative and sometimes push her because if I don't, nothing will really change for the better. She started the changes on her own and now I'm supporting and motivating her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I haven't been pushing my wifee for sex at all due to her 4 teeth recently being pulled. I can tell she is wondering, why the lack of sex? I just want her to heal and get a good nights sleep first. It's not always about sex sex sex, right, heh.

My wifee came to me after work, and models her newer jeans and says, see, they aren't super loose and fit nicely. She spins around and models them for me. I tell her, damn you look great. Big smile on her face. She also tells me......I have now lost 36 lbs. Fantastic!!!!:smthumbup:

And when her gums heal a bit more, she is going back to the gym and she wants to loose a lot of weight. To me, 36 lbs is awesome but to her, she still wants another 45 lbs or so.

I am thinking about the sexy things we are going to do, as soon as her gums heal more, pain goes away and she gets regular good night sleeps. She is almost there actually, but I'm not initiating sex until she is completely fine first.

I still can't believe this is my wifee. About 4 months ago, wow, what a life changer. If I could find out what caused this in her, I would tell everyone but I still don't know what made her finally change.:scratchhead:

Pre menopause? Increased sex drive?

Subconsciously wanting to have kids and get in shape first?


Who really knows but I'm not complaining, that's for sure.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I was napping on the couch and my wifee pulls open the cover and throws the pillows on me, saying, I want cuddling and feeties. Sounds like what I always said. We talk a bit, watching some hockey from Sochia and then minutes later, he hand is in my pants and she is licking my neck. Upstairs she says.....upstairs we go and she rocked my world. She loves the legs together missionary and doggie style positions even more due to her on going weight loss...........37 lbs now. She even let me lick and kiss her neck. I am sleepy now. For some reason, I always get sleepy after sex. She let me see her naked with the lights on and she is definitely transforming. 37 lbs she's lost now.......just crazy.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

morrison723 said:


> Don't just tell her that she is sexy mama but show her how sexy she is becoming by ****ing her badly.


definitely can do.:smthumbup:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

See resposnes below yours CB

CB


I was napping on the couch and my wifee pulls open the cover and throws the pillows on me, saying, I want cuddling and feeties. Sounds like what I always said. We talk a bit, watching some hockey from Sochia and then minutes later, he hand is in my pants and she is licking my neck. Upstairs she says.....upstairs we go and she rocked my world. She loves the legs together missionary and doggie style positions even more due to her on going weight loss...........37 lbs now.

Judith: Some women who are recoverying from body image issues will find that they actually feel something in the rear entry position they never felt before. Actual physical feelings

She even let me lick and kiss her neck. I am sleepy now. For some reason, I always get sleepy after sex. She let me see her naked with the lights on and she is definitely transforming. 37 lbs she's lost now.......just crazy.

Judith: The reason your sleepy which is normal is your body rejuvenating from what you felt etc. 
the key you need to remember is you need to do nonsexual touch on wife before you fall asleep. She needs that. Sex for her is like taking her clothes off and sex for you is like putting your clothes on. So you need to remember that she needs the nonsexual touch after wards also so she wont feel used either. Before you fall asleep


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

CB



Pre menopause? Increased sex drive?

Subconsciously wanting to have kids and get in shape first?

JUidth; For women it is a combination of things. IT is usually a deeper emotional issue , thing etc.. THose are signs of something deeper. 
We women are complex and so it is alot of things. include body image issues 

Who really knows but I'm not complaining, that's for sure.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

CB

I am sorry I am behind but had to change email addresses. 


I am glad your talking about the changes in her and to help others. Try to not let others affect what you say

No apologies necessary. 

I started this thread because I wanted to share my wife's positive changes and what I learned from TAM that helped me. Something more positive instead of the usual on TAM.

I guess not all will like that.....

Judith: No it i dont like that because we all need to heal and the kids would benefit if the spouses did. I know -i experience pain because my parents marital relationship was not what it needed to be even sexually


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

CB

Trying to catch up on things. see responses below yours

am not controlling or irrational. I am a very disciplined and orderly individual.

Judith: Good for you. 

Try and see this through my eyes, a man and not a woman's. Women will never understand what's its like through a guys mind.

Judith: I am and do and so on. Just giving info on my part. NO we wont because you guys see things visually like a picture from a camera. and we women dont. But we do need you males to get us going sometimes because we women are slow and wired to be slow

For 14 years of marriage, we had sex about 1x month and sometimes less than that. This is due to my wifee letting herself go. 14 years of this is a very long time for a wifee to do this to her husband. That is selfish and not womanly on her part. Of course, I am sexually starved, her doing, and I get angry and frustrated. 

Judith: Understand and agree and you would. She wanted to but didnt know how due to her emotions etc. and her past coming into play. I am sorry you struggle for all of that time. She was struggling to but in a different way. No it is not on her part but women cant get there like men can. Yes you would be sexually starved becuase of how you are wired in marital relationship to have sex on a regular basis so your world can be good adn close to wife. Sex is your wway of being close to her and settled. Some of your moody is when your unable to get sex becuase your wired to need sex more often than she. 

How would the ladies like it if their men didn't give them their emotional closeness or what they really needed for 14 years of marriage? Would you guys be happy with that? Not at all and you would be frustrated and angry like I have been and probably have EA's.

JUdith; yep they would

I do the majority of all the inside and outside chores, errands, work full time job, weight train, grocery shop, etc. My wifee works a full time job too and that's all she really does. So I did the majority of things for our marriage. On her own, she won't do much and just talks. I don't talk about things and do nothing, I get it done yesterday. All the initiating and upgrades inside and outside our place are due to me. If left to my wifee, nothing would of got done.

Judith; Women talking and interaction on a nonsexual level without all of what you did -even though all of that is important too-talking and nonsexual touch and keep you on her mind all day and contact throughout the day will help her in the bedroom. Yes you are wired to do so that how you relate -they key is for both of you to meet half way on those differences but if you want to help her to gget to the bedroom for sex -she needs sex in the kitchen (book by Kevin Leman-he has been on GMA , today show etc) (dont let the book title throw you) meaning the nonsexual touch and contact throughout the day etc nonsexually and so she can put you on her mind and want to touch you then want to touch you sexually

Now she over the last 3.5 months is finally eating better and watching her calories. From this she has now lost 32 lbs in 3.5 months and her sex drive has gone from 1x month or less to 3x week. She has done a 180 and I am blown away. You have no idea how happy I am now.

JUdith: Yep that will play a part too in all of waht i said. IT is the emotional too that is contribute to that the nonsexual stuff. 
NO i dont but i can see it etc. 

Now lets go back to those 14 years of sex only 1x month or less. Sexual build up, frustration, anger, and resentment. It will take me some time to totally get over the 14 years she wasted. More than 3.5 months anyway but I am still hopeful and wish for the best.

Judith; Yes it will and you will need to heal -you are wounded too in this and you both need healing

I have been very supportive of her weight loss, eating the same foods, cuddling, doing more things together, complimenting her on the new sexy clothing, etc. She is becoming a different person and loves it. She isn't doing this because I am making her. She didn't do anything for 14 years, while I weight trained and changed for myself and her.

Judith; Dont forget to complement her on nonsexual things too like relationship stuff and so on
YOu both needed to change for each other. Good that you did too. 

If there is something on my wifee's mind, she tells me. She isn't the type of woman to keep quiet and tell me what I want to hear.

Judith; Good-she needs conversation to be about everything nonimportant stuff and the important stuff

She isn't a princes, spoiled, lazy or a pampered brat. She is a hard working, smart with her money and trustworthy woman.

Do I control her? Tell her what to do? No. That is some anger, frustration and resentment coming to the surface here from 14 years of very little intimacy. I am getting better but it will take more than 3.5 months verses 14 years. There is something called consequences and no one gets away doing things scotch free.

JUdith: I understand. I am sorry you have had to not be able to vent etc. I am here to listen. Yes it will. take a while to heal from the sexual struggles. Agree on your last sentence. 

For me, I do not like to hear her talk for hours about her stressful days. Her stress transfers to me, then she feels great and I am going crazy. That's why I say she needs hobbies, go out with the girls and do things that help her unwind instead of always talking about it. I can't talk about things and not find ways to resolve them. Drives me crazy.

JUDith: Agree but any conversation she needs from you to her and vice versa of some sort so that you both can connect so she can open up sexually. YOur guy and your action oriented and need to fix it and sometimes that is fine for us women for you to do that but -some women dont always need you to fix it but listen. That is the male female difference that all couples through the ages have struggle with. Agree. The key is to remain objective when she is talking about her stress. Sometimes she wants you to fix and others just to listen before you do. HIs Needs Her Needs talk about that as well as the book above i mention
YOur a fix it guy and it will drive you crazy

IC for me? For my wifee as well, why she wasted 14 years of our marriage, our primes, all gone. That is beyond selfish.

Judith: Undertand adn agree and she would have done something if she could but she needed something and a breakthrough. Yes it is for both of you and you both need to be doing it if you are going to have kids and wants kids

She has now lost, as of today, 35 lbs and is extremely happy with the ongoing results. If she wouldn't of got off her butt, started eating better and soon going back to the gym, I don't know how much longer I honestly would of lasted.....and that's being honest.

Judith; IT is good to be honest and your right. YOu males are not able to always stick in there due to how your wired. Women dont understand that. 

I never ever listen to her stressful days? That is not true at all. I do listen to her, just not all the time and she can talk about her stresses every day, were as I don't and have my hobbies, and weight training to relax me. She can talk about her days, 2 - 4 hours every day and after all that, nothing is resolved, she feels great, and I am going insane.

JUdith: Ok. see above. Yes you both are wired differently to handle your stress differntly it is good you both have hobbies for some of it etc. We women talk in processing things and resolve it when nothing is done to fix it that is how we are wired. So talking is sometimes what she needs to fix it on her own. and hearing a guy listen to her is feels good etc. the attention is what she likes. Understand etc. 

Our marriage is not one sided at all. It is as 50 / 50 being realistic. Bills, both working full time jobs, doing things around the house by assisting me, I grocery shop too and she does the laundry, etc. 14 years she wasn't a good wifee, 14 years that were wasted due to her not getting off her butt, 14 years I will never get back. And I am being selfish because I want serious change and to do the things most couples have done that we never have done together?! Hmmmmm.......

Judith: No you are not being selfish. The key is to share teh selfishness. 

Some women say what they are going to do and they do it. Some just talk about it and years go on by.......My wifee is or was a talker.

Judith: Well partly due to her emotional issues with body image issues she was afraid to do. Some women are afraid to do or wahtever the emotion is so they hesitate. That is why husbands push

Now I don't want to seem like I'm an ass but I don't take well to those trying to find things to nit pick me on, like they're looking for something that isn't there and a confrontation. Those type of posts will get me angry and fast. Positive, constructive posts.

JUdith: No one does CB. I am sorry you felt that. I just so you know I have no intention of doing that but if i do lets work it through. Also you might want to keep in mind to objectively look at sometime and see if there is not some thing you need healing in if any. FYI


I am supporting her the best I can and not controlling her in the least. I lead though, doing the alpha male thing and she is naturally passive, so it works for us.

JUdith; How about healthy submissive/giver/receiver?

Passive is usually meant she has no intention fo doing anything. or delay in doing it. 

I agree on you being alpha male or dominant or leader. GIver receiver


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jmsclayton said:


> CB
> 
> Trying to catch up on things. see responses below yours
> 
> ...




Thanks for all your positive, constructive and realistic advices. I understand what you are saying and its assimilated.:smthumbup:

I like the fact you aren't attacking me, my marriage or trying to find issues when there aren't any. You are upfront, kind and not trying to almost pick a fight. Thank you.:smthumbup:

There are some on TAM that just don't get this and never will....

And tonight is cuddle and back massage for my wifee night. No sex, even though I need it and she loves the electric bed cover I got her as a pre valentines day surprise.

Now I'm thinking of getting her a surge power connector for her outlet. This way, she no longer has to always plug in every device. Now they all will be plugged in, protected and never remove the cords again. Little things like this to maker her life even easier and it will be a surprise.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Minor Update



My wifee is on the verge of losing 40 lbs now. Just amazing and I am so happy for her.

She also is getting her gym pass anytime now.

She loves the electric bed cover to no end. Less clothing.....

Continues to model clothes for me and makes sure to kiss me before we both leave for work.

Her teeth are starting to heal (4 pulled to make room) and soon her bottom braces will be installed.

I like to give her back and leg massages when she is in bed, under her clothes and no complaints on her part.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Tonight, my wifee and I had an insane sex session. She grabbed my hand and took me to the bedroom. She loves to use her tongue on me everywhere. It's her thing I guess and I love it. I said lets do 69.....she hesitated. I again said lets do 69......she slowly made her way to that position and away we went on each other. I could tell she liked it but she wasn't completely comfortable yet either. I told her, you felt uneasy about the vibrator, then you tried it and loved it. You felt uneasy about 69, tried and liked it. I told her, I am slowly pushing your envelope. Someone has to, otherwise nothing ever changes. Anyway, after our crazy sex session, we now are going to eat and watch a movie together. She has now lost just over 40 lbs and is still going strong. Her teeth and gums aren't as sore and the gym pass is around the corner. All this in 4 months over 14 years of nothing. I love it.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wifee always models her new clothes for me now. Has never done that before.

She's lost 41 lbs at last count. Probably more actually. But I'm just happy now in general.

She was in the mood Sunday after work, grabbed my hand and dragged me to the bedroom and rocked my world. On her own initiative too. Definite positive changes.:smthumbup:

We are watching more movies, UFC, and TV shows together. We are talking more and when we have verbal fights, we really get it out of our systems, open up more and we no longer hold emotional grudges against each other. After the argument, we feel better and its done.

My wifee was walking towards our front door, looking out the window and I snuck in her behind her and pressed up against her close and put my hands up on the glass over her head. Looked like we were having sex from anyone outside, and she laughed her head off. That's new for her too.

She is starting to even talk a little dirty and of course, I encourage her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The benefits of working out. Sex drive increases.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Great to hear a success story around here for a change ! 

Good for you and your wife C.Bug !


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> The benefits of working out. Sex drive increases.


Definitely yes.....I am on PCT right now and my sex drive has gone up, I could have sex every day!!!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

barbados said:


> Great to hear a success story around here for a change !
> 
> Good for you and your wife C.Bug !



Thx.

This is the year of Mrs. CuddleBug. 2014 is all hers. Her weight loss, getting in shape, new clothes, sex drive, confident, teeth straightened with braces, etc. All hers this year.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Just had to share this.

Mrs.CuddleBug, just grabbed me by the hand, to the bedroom, had a drying cloth on the bed. She took off her top, got me on my back, oiled me up with baby oil, her breasts and grabbed my hands, squeezing her breasts together for an oiled breast job. Then I was on top, and finished in her breasts while she watched and grabbed my bum, pulling me in. This coming from a LD woman of 14 years, now over the last 4+ months, lets do this and that. Next time, when she asks, what do you want? I will say an oiled foot job and push her boundaries just a bit more. One day, when she is at the weight she wants to be and more comfortable with her body, she will let me know, now its time to please each other.:smthumbup:

This sure beats a near sexless or sexless marriage, any day!!!!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Isn't it great when you make it all about them ...it comes right back around and you get blessed. :-D
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

mineforever said:


> Isn't it great when you make it all about them ...it comes right back around and you get blessed. :-D
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Oh yes, definitely yes.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I just realized that Mrs. CuddleBug and I had sex 5x this week. It's not all in one day, it's 1x every 2nd day type of thing.

When she just wants a quickie, we're tired from work, then I found something that works very well and we both enjoy it.

Missionary position. She grabs my bum and pulls in hard. I put my hands under her bum and pull in hard. This is at the same time. I orgasm within minutes and I can tell she likes the tightness and sensations. That's what we do for a quickie.

Longer sessions, on weekends, she loves missionary with her legs together, doggie style her legs together and now she likes to give me oiled breast jobs and even watches. Even oiled hands job too. This is what she enjoys the most at present.

She again told me, when more weight comes off and she feels better about her body, the sex will be more for the both of us and not mainly her pleasing me.

I understand her love language is acts of service 12, but I hope one day, she will want me to give her crazy oral sex to orgasm, have sex in the shower for the first time, maybe try anal once and do all the things most couples do when they are young and in their primes.

All this in 4+ months versus 14 years of sex 1x, maybe 2x month and was only vanilla sex. Huge positive changes, for her, her confidence, health, getting over life long insecurities, growing together and trying new things, getting in shape, new clothes she's always wanted to wear and her life long dream of having her teeth straightened, getting done now with braces. This is the year of Mrs. CuddleBug and I am trying my best to support her the best I can, only being a man and all.


Something else I want to add here. When my wifee was heavy, I could always smell her, oral sex, doggie style, missionary, it didn't matter, there was always a strong odor and I breathed through my nose. Now that she is eating healthy, detoxed, lost 41 lbs already, when we had 69 sex a few weeks ago, there was no odor, just a mild feminine smell that I love and drives me crazy. Same when we have doggie style, missionary, etc. no more strong odor. I breath through my nose now. Just passing this on if it helps.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm glad things are going well right now, CB. I hope they continue to do so. Maybe your wife really is happy with the focus of your relationship being almost entirely on your needs. I hope it continues. 

Peace.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I'm glad things are going well right now, CB. I hope they continue to do so. Maybe your wife really is happy with the focus of your relationship being almost entirely on your needs. I hope it continues.
> 
> Peace.



This is not about my needs. She wants to do this with me and for me, for now, until she loses more weight and feels more confident about her new body. She has told me this. I honestly don't like it when its mainly about me but if I started giving back equally, she isn't ready yet for that and has told me. 5 love languages has helped heaps and we both understand our main needs and have talked about them. I would love to give her awesome oral to orgasm before sex every time, trust me but she isn't ready yet. When she is, it will just happen and I will go with it. Not much else I can do at the moment. If she has other needs, not physical, she communicates them to me. Whether that's just listening to her day, only cuddling and hugs, helping her with chores, watching movies, tv shows that we both like together, surprising her with dinner before she gets home, doing some event together that she likes to do, its all good. Sometimes she just wants to talk and I listen and she really likes that and I am making the effort on that.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I surprised Mrs.CuddleBug with dinner before she came home and we watched tv and ate together. I gave her a nice hug with my hands in her back pockets and walked her to the dinning room for the dinner surprise. Made her day. Then I did something out of the norm and got the phone and put it in between her breasts and she rolled her eyes, giggles and laughed. A few minutes later, the phone is still in there and I said, you own it girl. 41+ lbs down......awesome. She smiled, giggles and laughed. Joking around like this she never would of done 4+ months ago....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Minor Update.


Mrs.CuddleBug has now lost 45 lbs in 4.5 months. She told me this Friday and loves the on going results.

She again complains to me, my jeans are too loose and I need to go shopping again.

Her teeth are starting to straighten and she is showing me the changes. Good for her and something she's also wanted to do her entire life.

Tonight, its "us time" so I will be suggesting a foot job....


Will continue to keep everyone updated what's going on with us. Wish everyone the best.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Just wanted to give everyone a little update.

Mrs. CuddleBug has lost at least 45 lbs and now she is starting to go for power walks after work and buying a few blu ray exercise discs. She is still buying newer clothes and always models them for me, always asking me, how do I look? I always tell her, she looks HOT and has that hour glass figure starting to happen. She loves that but still wants to loose more weight. Sex is usually 3x week if I initiate but if I don't and leave it to her, 1x week. That's a vast improvement from 1x month but I still tell her, I hope your sex drive improves a lot more so we can make up for 14 years of sex only 1x month. I always try to please her first but she still pushes me away and isn't comfortable enough yet because she wants to lose more weight. Overall, nice changes and her braces are starting to do their job due to her four teeth being pulled for the room. I know its nothing earth shattering, but I will try and do my part here on TAM. Cheers.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

And Mrs.CuddleBug just took me by the hand to the bedroom and did crazy things with me, finishing with her new fav position, missionary, she grabs my bum and pulls me in hard and I place my hands under her bum and pull in hard and she moans, groans, sighs and loves it, plus I go pretty quick. Tired now......relax time......hmmmmmmm......:sleeping:

And we always joke who gets the wet spot and this time it was in the middle of the bed.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It sounds like she's really coming into her own person. 45 lbs lost is a significant amount. I'm sure her confidence is building. I am curious, though, just how overweight she is? What is her goal weight?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> It sounds like she's really coming into her own person. 45 lbs lost is a significant amount. I'm sure her confidence is building. I am curious, though, just how overweight she is? What is her goal weight?



Sorry I didn't respond right away. I have been busy with work and getting all my landscaping done, A/C ready and now only paying off debt for this year and its all done for 2014.

Thx. 45 lbs is a lot of weight and I'm very happy for her. She definitely is changing for sure. Something she never did when she was heavier. When its her time of the month, she now gets more emotional and needs cuddling and tells me her emotions are up and down, etc. She never told me this or experienced this as much when she was heavier.

Mrs.CuddleBug at her heaviest was 240 lbs. Now 195 lbs and still losing weight. She is roughly 5ft 9 inches tall. She is now going to start power walks and even going to a gym after that.

I don't think she has an ideal weight. She just wants to be fit, lose as much weight as she can naturally, healthily, and be confident. I think she wants to be another 40 lbs lighter, so 155 lbs at 5 ft 9 inches. Whatever weight she naturally can attain, I'm already happy at this point because 45 lbs has changed her a lot and she is starting to get the hour glass figure and I like!!!:smthumbup:


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

I am so happy for you and your wife! Let the fun began!:whip:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I am so happy for you and your wife! Let the fun began!:whip:



Thx. I hope one day, she will finally get over the top of the hill so to speak, loose her lifelong inhibitions and go sex crazy, allowing me to please her like the way she has always please me. That day I am longing for....


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It sounds like she's happy.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> It sounds like she's happy.



She's not the same woman compared to before, so its all good.:smthumbup:

But right now its her time of the month, so I am leaving her be, lots of space. When she wants some cuddling, I will be there.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs CuddleBug came to bed at 4:30am.....she had a bath, shaved her legs, nice shampooed hair and put her soft foot on me. I went with it and initiated and she was super receptive. Normally, its too late. This time, crazy sex. I could tell she was really into it. See, sometimes we still don't have sex for half a month but she is passive and shy. She still won't initiate for some reason. So I have to always be the initiator and aggressor and she likes this. I guess that's the way she will always be. I have to learn that if I don't initiate, she usually won't, even if she is really in the mood. Just the way she is. But it was a great morning......and she wore her sexy panties.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

And she's lost 47 lbs now.....:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs. CuddleBug was in the mood last night and I pushed her boundaries a bit more. She likes to gently stroke around my balls and entire lower area with her soft fingers. So I moved her hand between my bum and over my anus. She started stroking with her finger and almost got close in there and gave me a BJ, licking me at the same time. Now she knows she can go further and I like it. More positive changes. She also loves doggie style, gets into it and laying down with me mounting on top of her, grabbing her and pulling in hard. She loved that.

She still isn't letting me go crazy on her, giving her all the pleasures she enjoys giving me. I really hope one day, soon?, this will change and our sex life will be 50 / 50 instead of her being acts of service.

Only time will tell.

She is still complaining about how loose her clothes are fitting her, so she is still loosing weight.

Will continue to keep everyone updated.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Great read. Gives me hope for my situation.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Noble1 said:


> Great read. Gives me hope for my situation.



I hope your situation improves as well. That's what TAM is for.

Mrs. CuddleBug is now starting walks after work and got her IPod Touch apps ready.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug went shopping today, Saturday and came home with two new jean styles, asking me which ones she should keep. I told her, keep them all. Then she asked me, do these show my cellulite legs? I told her, what cellulite? Those jeans don't show anything. She liked that and walked away to go up the stairs. Then she bent over to do something and I ran over behind her. She says, she knew I would come running, so I told her, go upstairs, its "us" time now!!! She was saying, okay, liked that I basically pushed her up the stairs and to the bedroom. Seconds later, sex time and she went wild on me. She is definitely loosing that leg, thigh weight and I told her that, looking good. Now we are ordering some gluten free pizza and watching a movie. If I wouldn't of been the aggressor, nothing would of happened when she modeled her new jeans and bent over innocently by the stairs. She likes the fact I take the initiative, take charge and be the aggressor. Just the way she is and I don't think she will change.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug told me yesterday, she has now lost 50 lbs. So we celebrated by having Boston Pizza, but gluten free foods that agree with her.She is still buying new clothing and loves this and her teeth are straightening much more now. She still isn't just taking me when she is in the mood and waits for me to initiative. I wish that would change big time but only time will tell as more weight comes off. Sex is up to 3x week, which is okay for me (I am HD) and I am noticing she is buying newer sexy bedroom clothing here and there. I hope she is using the vib but I don't think she is to be honest. It is her time of the month, so she wants to be alone and not touched, so I leave her completely be, unless she wants cuddling, talking and do something together.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

This is awesome Cuddle bug. 50 pounds?

Wow

I bet your libido is even stronger than it was before.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Trickster said:


> This is awesome Cuddle bug. 50 pounds?
> 
> Wow
> 
> I bet your libido is even stronger than it was before.



Yep, 50 lbs. I know, crazy good.

My libido is always bad......

I could have sex every day and sometimes multiple times a day, but Mrs.CuddleBug, up to 3x week. But compared to 1x month, I'll take the improvement and more than that as time goes on I hope.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Yep, 50 lbs. I know, crazy good.
> 
> My libido is always bad......
> 
> I could have sex every day and sometimes multiple times a day, but Mrs.CuddleBug, up to 3x week. But compared to 1x month, I'll take the improvement and more than that as time goes on I hope.


I know if my wife lost 50 pounds she would be hot.... I think her libido would increase as well. 

When my wife and I decided we wanted a child, she started to lose weight. She actually stayed the same weight her whole pregnancy. As she was gaining baby weight, she was losing her fat. She was on the treadmeal every day. After our daughter was born, she looked better than ever before. Over time, she has gained it all back.

Are y'all looking to get pregnant?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Trickster said:


> I know if my wife lost 50 pounds she would be hot.... I think her libido would increase as well.
> 
> When my wife and I decided we wanted a child, she started to lose weight. She actually stayed the same weight her whole pregnancy. As she was gaining baby weight, she was losing her fat. She was on the treadmeal every day. After our daughter was born, she looked better than ever before. Over time, she has gained it all back.
> 
> Are y'all looking to get pregnant?




heh heh, guys at the shop asked me the same thing.

Is Mrs.CuddleBug wanting a baby soon? Maybe she is subconsciously wanting to loose the weight, get in shape, to have a baby.

I have entertained this idea as well. Maybe she wants a kid or maybe she just wants to be in the shape she's always dreamed of. Who knows.:scratchhead:


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> heh heh, guys at the shop asked me the same thing.
> 
> Is Mrs.CuddleBug wanting a baby soon? Maybe she is subconsciously wanting to loose the weight, get in shape, to have a baby.
> 
> I have entertained this idea as well. Maybe she wants a kid or maybe she just wants to be in the shape she's always dreamed of. Who knows.:scratchhead:


I am thinking her biological clock is ticking...Anyway, I am sure it is fun practicing to get pregnant.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Trickster said:


> I am thinking her biological clock is ticking...Anyway, I am sure it is fun practicing to get pregnant.



You might be right or she just had enough of being over weight and finally decided to get in shape and also get her teeth straightened. Don't know. I do know she loves her job and won't give it up easily.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update:


My wifee's teeth are filling in nicely and the braces are really doing their job. She smiles more and shows me her teeth.

She is still buying newer, sexier clothes and I always rub them because they're sexy and soft. She likes this but still isn't completely used to the attention.

I cuddle up to her at night and rub her feet, calves, legs and bum. I don't grab or grope her, just massage her. She likes this but again, not used to it yet. Likes it but doesn't at the same time.

Sex is still up to 3x week. Her favorite position now is doggie style. I pound her hard and she moves side to side, forward, back and arches her back. Her second favorite position is missionary. She grabs my bum and pull me in hard and I place my hands under her bum and pull her in hard. The sounds she makes tells me she really enjoys this.

She still always asks me, what do you think of my new shoes, clothes? I tell her, HOT.

She just got a haircut. What do you think? VERY NICE.

I tell her she is my sexy Mrs.CuddleBug. She likes this and smiles but still isn't completely comfortable yet.

She has lost around 55 lbs now and I haven't asked her, she tells me. 

Her new clothing is looking really great on her.:smthumbup:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You go Big Daddy!!!


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Amazing thread.

I don't understand how people let themselves get into such horrible shape. 

One of women's "weapons" is to look fit and sexy. Women give up their power over men when they let themselves get out of shape. If I were a woman I would never willing give up that powerful weapon / power.

I have the same issue with my STBXW. I kept myself in amazing shape, mostly through a great diet, and going to the gym regularly. I would feel horrible about myself if I let myself go.

People do such disservice to themselves and their spouses by neglecting their health.

This thread is awesome, and shows what can happen if someone decides enough is enough and does something about it, not just for their spouse, but for themselves!!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

long_done said:


> Amazing thread.
> 
> I don't understand how people let themselves get into such horrible shape.
> 
> ...


It's not so easy for all women. My wife exercises regularly and eats right, but still has problems losing weight since she is menopausal. Some women have hormone issues and some women have a deep seeded attachment to food.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Thound said:


> It's not so easy for all women. My wife exercises regularly and eats right, but still has problems losing weight since she is menopausal. Some women have hormone issues and some women have a deep seeded attachment to food.


Understood, but merely the intention and motivation to do something is better than none.

My STBXW would choose to sleep for hours rather than go to the gym. Or do crafts, or make bracelets than go to the gym.

She didn't understand that the gym was mainly to benefit her, and of course it would help strengthen our relationship too.

Same thing with food. I eat to live, not live to eat. Most of the stuff I eat is without flavor or sauce, but I'm eating to not be hungry, not to enjoy every bite as if it's the last bite on earth. As a result I am extremely lean and in great health. Is it hard? sure was starting out, but now I can't imagine not doing that. Those who choose to do something for themselves, like the OP's wife, can be successful. The mind is the most powerful driver of all.

So many people just don't give a damn at all.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Love to hear good things.it seems like it will continue to improve...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Great turnaround! It's nice to see a husband helping his wife loose weight instead of just complaining about how fat she is. I have recently lost 60 pounds and look the best in all the years we have been married. My libido went up too which is when I started posting on this board and my sexless marriage was starting to affect me more. My husband calls me hot and we do kiss a lot more these days but I have doubts we will ever have a great sex life again.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx everyone.

For my wifee, it was finally listening to me, because I have life long diet and weight training experiences and when she started eating small snack meals all day, instead of huge ones or starving herself, the weight started coming off quickly. All you do, is eat just under what you would need to start loosing weight, nothing drastic and split those daily calories over 5+ mini meals every 3 hours. Your body never is in starvation mode, holding onto its weight and even gaining and you lose weight and lean up quickly.

To increase my sex drive, weight training, arginine powder empty stomach before bed (boosts hgh levels) and some natural test boosters. All work.

When my wifee started loosing weight and now at last update, 55 lbs, her confidence and self esteem has really gone up, new sexy clothes for the first time and sex more often from 1x month up to 3x week. But since she was this way her entire life until the last 6+ months, she still usually never initiates and if I don't, sex never happens for weeks at a time........I want her to initiate whenever she is in the mood. Maybe one day this will happen?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs. CuddleBug got a new haircut and dyed her hair. She modeled herself to me and I was drooling. She smiled.......

Then for the first time she let me passionately kiss her ears, neck and down to her breasts. Normally, she never lets me do that. She was we wearing a new bra and perfume. I couldn't help sniffing her and she smiled as well..........

She's starting to make enjoyable noises now and she is starting to figure out what she likes. Doggie style is her fav now and gets crazy into it.

New PJ's to bed that are very sexy silky smooth too.

The changes are still happening and no stopping yet.:smthumbup:


I may of mentioned it on TAM but I've never said to Mrs.CuddleBug, you need to lose weight. Unspoken rule.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

xdjsfykisy said:


> It took my wife nearly 14 years of marriage to get it.



You too?

Do tell.....


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Damn Im jealous, but happy for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I may of mentioned it on TAM but I've never said to Mrs.CuddleBug, you need to lose weight. Unspoken rule.


Has Mrs.CB asked you yet why you never said anything about her weight?

Has she asked you yet how you could have been attracted to what she looks like before?

I get the unspoken rule and all. If you would of somehow talked about it before in a positive way, do you think it would have upset her or push he to do something sooner. Some people need a little push to make changes. I am happy Mrs. CB is getting healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Trickster said:


> Has Mrs.CB asked you yet why you never said anything about her weight?
> 
> Has she asked you yet how you could have been attracted to what she looks like before?
> 
> ...



No she hasn't but she knew her weight was causing a lot of unhealthy issues, that she has finally dealt with.

Primarily all for herself and I get the spin offs. She feels better, healthier, higher sex drive, enjoys sex, sexier clothing, initiates, sometimes adventurous sex, no more ulcer, no more joint pain, and the list goes on.

I've thought about what attracted me to her in the beginning and I have to say, her personality, faithfulness, kindness, hard worker, etc. Definitely wasn't about sex because we rarely had sex. So now its time to make up for 15 years of 1x month....within reason.

If I would of spoken about it with her, she would of got upset and retreated more into her comfort zones. But since I didn't push her on it, she just had enough of being very over weight and our sex life wasn't going anywhere, so she just changed.

Thx.

She told me tonight she has now bought workout clothes. Nice.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update:


Mrs.CuddleBug bought her first workout clothes and is now wearing them around the house. She modeled them for me and also bought a gym pass.

I continue to see weight loss but the amount I will not ask. She will let me know in her good time.

She is still passive, so I must always be the aggressor, or she thinks what's wrong? If I don't initiate, hoping she will often, she naturally won't and gets upset. Just the way she is.

Her sex drive is slowly increasing and she is going back to her naturpath this Friday for a checkup and if there is anything more that can be done. Lots of options for her.

I love the fact, she brings the oil, lays on her back, and wants me to straddle her, giving me the oiled breast job. Sometimes a straddle her further up and in and out of her mouth. She likes these for some reason and watches me in and out of her.

She asked me, what do I want for my birthday this month? I was honest and said, to increase your sex drive sweety.

So, I've learned, I must always be the initiator and aggressor. If I leave it to her, she usually won't take the initiative and is passive, but gets upset if I don't do this. She won't do this on her own yet. Maybe as her confidence increases more, she is out at the gym, new friends, spreading her wings, she becomes a new and more confident woman?

I can only hope.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update:


Mrs.CuddleBug rocked my world this morning and it was the best sex in quite the while. She then tells me, we are having sex every day until until your birthday as part of my birthday surprise. Nice. That's never happened before. She usually pushes me away when I start to kiss her all over and start to give her oral, but not this morning. She didn't push me away and loved it all, grabbing my head and pulling me in.:smthumbup: When we are both leaving for work, she needs her morning kiss, so when she motions over for her kiss, I sometimes sneak in a more passionate kiss and she giggles because she didn't expect that.

Her weight loss is still on going with new clothing and her teeth (braces) are really starting to do their job now. Gym pass and new gym clothes too.

Things are pretty good and still getting better, for the both of us.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Final update.



Not much left to tell but here goes.

Mrs.CuddleBug continues to change and grow. She has lost more weight, new clothing, teeth straight from braces, new hair styles, gym clothes and still going to the nature path. Gym is on the table too, women's gym, sooner or later.

Her sex drive is still low in my books because I am adventurous HD and probably will always be. I must initiate or she usually never does. She can still go with sex only 1 - 2x month and not blink an eye.

Overall, I am happy for her and the positive changes she has gone through, for herself, her health, her confidence and you name it.

But I will say this, I did not get married to have a female friend and cuddling room mate. I got married to have a physical and sexual, sensual wife to take care of my needs as her own because she is HD adventurous herself. When menopause starts for her and her sex drive might disappear, instead of 1 - 2x month, its 1 - 2x year, I will move on and get the divorce. No more talking, year after year and no change, etc. But if she starts getting a healthy physical and sensual sex drive, I will forgive and forget the last 15 years of sex 1x month.

Only time will tell and I will keep everyone posted.

Cheers.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Happy for you and Mrs. C


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx.

She loves the new kitten I picked out too.:smthumbup:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Sorry cuddlebug. My results have been similar. You can have a partner who will have sex with you - but if what you want is a partner filled with passion and desire for you - it still misses the mark.

Like you I'm thinking - will I have to go my whole life and never know what it's like to be in bed with someone who's crazy for me, who wants to have sex all weekend, who wants to try anything new? 

It's sad. But I am glad you dw is healthier and feels better about herself than before. That's a bonus.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> You can have a partner who will have sex with you - but if what you want is a partner filled with passion and desire for you - it still misses the mark.
> 
> Like you I'm thinking - will I have to go my whole life and never know what it's like to be in bed with someone who's crazy for me, who wants to have sex all weekend, who wants to try anything new?


This post makes me very sad.  This be truth.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

What must be remembered is that it takes time for her sex drive to increase. I don't remember if you stated that her drive used to be high or not before you got married, but if her drive was low to medium and yours was always high then you should give her time. It is only fair. Her body is going through changes, albeit positive ones.

You say that you didn't get married to have a cuddle partner, well then you should have married a high drive woman. Let this be a lession to all of us to teach our kids about these things as they are growing up, then we can help them avoid this.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The man or woman who figures out who is honestly LD and HD, will be the next Dr. Phil.

Going back, would I of married a LD woman and hoped over 15 years she would get a sex drive, like most ladies have? Not in a million years and what a waste of life.


"Like you I'm thinking - will I have to go my whole life and never know what it's like to be in bed with someone who's crazy for me, who wants to have sex all weekend, who wants to try anything new?"

- Yah, it is sad, so very true.


"What must be remembered is that it takes time for her sex drive to increase. I don't remember if you stated that her drive used to be high or not before you got married, but if her drive was low to medium and yours was always high then you should give her time. It is only fair. Her body is going through changes, albeit positive ones."

- Her sex drive from day one of marriage was 1x month......I was always hoping she would snap out of it and do the fun adventurous things most ladies would be into doing and 3 - 4x week. Never happened. Can't win 'em all.


"You say that you didn't get married to have a cuddle partner, well then you should have married a high drive woman. Let this be a lession to all of us to teach our kids about these things as they are growing up, then we can help them avoid this."

- Very wise words for everyone.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Also,it is important to note that most women growing up in Judeo Christian religions are taught to hide and minimize their sexuality. Then they are expected to flip the switch when they are married. In some women this is not an easy process, which leaves the husband frustrated.

Teaching women to "don't do it"all their lives then expect them to adjust quickly is unfair. Educating both boys and girls about this will avoid pain in the future. There is so much shame around sex, and it is frustrating for me as an LD spouse. I was married a cirgin and couldn't make the smooth transition to sex kitten like my hubby wanted during the honeymoon which lead to other problems in our young marriage. 

This is why I say be patient. Don't act like she is intentionally withholding, she is not. The more negativity she senses from you the more she will withdraw, not to punish but as self protection. Of course you will say, "I'm her husband she should always feel safe with me". However, believe me when I say that what you think is suggesting something fun will feel like pressure. She knows what you want, pushing and pushing won't make it happen faster. 

You note that she is coming around, but you sound impatient in your posts. She only started this process in the beginning of this year, sometimes it takes years. If you love her and support her she will continue to grow in her sexuality.

I'm not harping on you just trying to make you understand from the LD perspective. Men need to know that if sex is important to them to marry a sexual person. Some men believe in the sex on switch, when you marry an LD person don't expect fireworks to happen right away. Men worry about retroactive jealousy too much that they miss out on the HD women who can rock their world from day one.

Then they end up on TAM...


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I said this months ago. Your wife isn't HD. I doubt she's ever going to be. You want her to be something she's not. You're not wrong, but neither is she. If you're not going to be happy with who she is, maybe you just need to move on because it is hard on both of you. She's trying to become something she's not, and that's never going to work long-term.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't buy religion as a reason.

I believe in Jesus, Christian, even though I'm not worthy and my sex drive has always been high and adventurous. Even though my parents and relatives, old generation, were conservative on the subject, I was a horn dawg and always will be. My faith has to do with my soul and not my body.

My wifee was raised by a God fearing Mom and Atheist Father, so she is neutral on faith. But you'd think she'd have a higher sex drive than me, right? No, she was LD way back.....

Being patient for 15 years...?

I agree she isn't with holding sex intentionally, but 15 years....really?!

Yes, she is coming around and all the positive changes are primarily for her and not me. The sex is a benefit for me but everything is mainly all for her.

What I don't understand is why LD spouses don't get it? Sex isn't rocket science or difficult. It bonds a hubby and wifee in so many intimate ways, more than just talking will ever do.

When you get married, the LD spouse isn't their own anymore and are now to take care of their other spouses needs as their own. But that isn't happening and a lot of the time, the LD spouse won't even do the meet me half way either. LD's are the problem here because many don't adapt, change take care of their spouses needs as their own and its their way in the end.

I know my wifee isn't HD and never will be. Obvious. She was LD vanilla but now is more Average Drive or closer to it and some adventurousness.

Funny thing is, I would never turn her down if she wanted to try something different and I would never give her excuses not to have sex and be intimate with her either.

If there was a supplement to help boost LD's, I would be all over it. You're only young once and then its done and you will never get that time and youth back. Why waste it being LD and stuck in your ways? Makes no sense....:scratchhead:


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> What I don't understand is why LD spouses don't get it? Sex isn't rocket science or difficult. It bonds a hubby and wifee in so many intimate ways, more than just talking will ever do.
> 
> When you get married, the LD spouse isn't their own anymore and are now to take care of their other spouses needs as their own. But that isn't happening and a lot of the time, the LD spouse won't even do the meet me half way either. LD's are the problem here because many don't adapt, change take care of their spouses needs as their own and its their way in the end.
> 
> ...


We LD people also wonder why you HDs are always stuck on sex. Why marry an LD when there are so many HD women out there who are stuck in sexless marriages? Why marry one of us then expect us to switch our personality to fit yours. HDs are not their own person either, they have to adjust. Or else you are just banging your head against a brick wall.

She is not going to desire more sex than what she is accustomed to just because you want more. Just like you don't want to change, she may be feeling pressured to change. And that change doesn't last long. You are saying that all of the changes she is making now are just for her and not you. She is improving her health and self esteem which will benefit both of you in the long run if you will just see past your bitterness of being rejected for 15 years. What changes do you want to see, just the sex improving?

My question is this, if the only change she made was just being more sexual for your liking and nothing else, would you like that more than what she is doing now?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It seems very obvious over time that you should never marry out of your sexual range. The same could be said of the LD, if sex wasn't that important to LD, why do they marry someone that ranks it so much higher than them?

My DH made 23k when we got married. We ate on a camping table and lived in an area where we had police sirens every night. We were in our early 20s and drank a lot with our friends. I hadn't finished college. I was making 17k/ year.

And yes, looking back the sex was already a problem. It's easy to say that now. On the other hand - I expected our life together to change and improve. I expected we would make more money and finish school and stop drinking like that and own furniture someday. 

I expected when we were married and living together and spending more days and nights together that the sex would improve over time as well. 

I don't find that unreasonable - although I'm certainly old enough now to know better.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

This is why I say that education about these things is every important. A young couple should already know their desire level, it shouldn't be mysterious. A male should present himself honestly, he shouldn't hide his libido in order to get the very attractive chaste girl. He should'nt be afraid of scaring her with his true libido because then she can decide whether or not she wants a horny dude to marry. Some males hold back their true selves until the wedding night, so they can marry the girl who is virginal and so they won't worry about the girl having previous partners.

How many threads we see where the men have "retroactive jealousy", they worry about being compared and falling short. It is not just the LD or the HD who is responsible, both need to show their true sexual selves before marriage. This is what dating is for. A guy who finds a hot girl can't just hope that after marriage she will open up, never happens. People get married for the wrong reasons, then the mismatches pop up.

I think people willingly overlook all of the red flags, all it does is cause pain down the road.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

While I agree with what you are saying - I'm from a big family. I got married at 25. I was an old maid. Everyone else in my family was 21 and under. 

I'm in my 40's now. If I were getting married now I would be a lot more methodical. Especially about sex because that is my #1 relationship problem right now. 

But when you are in your 20's, come on. I made the best choice I could from what I knew about life at 25. In some ways I made a very good choice. In this one particular way not so much.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Also, the "new relationship hormones" can mask true libido because it also affects the LD people. Many people say, hey we were so sexual in the beginning of the relationship, then it died out, why? New relationship energy (NRE) can make LD people think they found the one who will spark their libido. They become extra horny during this time, which will convince the HD person that they found their match. In about 3 years the LD's libido goes to its true level, this is why it needs to be taught to young people to wait at least 3 years before marriage. Marriage is not something to rush into because you are feeling pressured by family, loneliness, or biological clock ticking.

Because there are too many consequences when it goes wrong...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Agreed. Education on LD / HD is very important.

One thing I wish I would of done back then, asking Mrs.CuddleBug to be, do you have a high adventurous sex drive or not so much? Is sex really important to you or not so much? She would of thought about it for a while and the answer would of been, not so much. Right there, NEXT. But I also was young, 25 years old and stupid and didn't know the things I do today or the great people on TAM and that TAM even existed.

Overall, Mrs.CuddleBug is awesome and her recent changes fantastic. I wouldn't change a thing. But in the sexual area, nope, fail. I would of been a great friend to her for sure, but not a hubby. Have to be sexually on the same page. When you are young, teens, 20's, sex sex sex. Not 1x month. Something wrong there....

We didn't make a lot of money at first either, but today, we make in the 6 digit range. We are comfy, well off, cute kitty, mortgage free in 4 years, great but not fine in the sex department.

I guess I change and adapt quickly were as she does not. I am physical, sexual, were she is not so much.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> While I agree with what you are saying - I'm from a big family. I got married at 25. I was an old maid. Everyone else in my family was 21 and under.
> 
> I'm in my 40's now. If I were getting married now I would be a lot more methodical. Especially about sex because that is my #1 relationship problem right now.
> 
> But when you are in your 20's, come on. I made the best choice I could from what I knew about life at 25. In some ways I made a very good choice. In this one particular way not so much.


I agree, when I got married I was worried about hooking up with some loser who will cheat on me. Then I found my husband. When you are a young woman, anyone who does not pressure you too much sexually is a good match, because we are taught that men are only after one thing. Sex. Sex was the thing that I was taught to avoid lest I be seen as "one of those ****s". That was a fate worst than death.

So I met my hubby who was so nice and patient with my sexuality. After marriage, here comes the pressure to try this and that, be this and that. 180 degree turn, disappointed me because I didn't want all of this so soon. Ah well, it became so confusing and I just wanted to be done with the whole thing. But I love him and want him to be happy, so you accommodate.

Cuddlebug reminds me of my hubby, he posts like LD people are just missing out. If only we would open up and stop being so stubborn. Just as he thinks that way, we see life as much more than sex, it is not the only thing to experience. This is our nature just as his nature is HD. 

Like I said, it is all about educating the young to avoid these things.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> ...................
> 
> When you get married, the LD spouse isn't their own anymore and are now to take care of their other spouses needs as their own. But that isn't happening and a lot of the time, the LD spouse won't even do the meet me half way either. *LD's are the problem here because many don't adapt, change take care of their spouses needs as their own and its their way in the end.*
> 
> ...


The bolded is grossly unfair IMHO but at the same time I agree to an extent.
Yes I was in a missmatched marriage but I don't see the blame being with the LD partner. BOTH are to blame, both married the wrong/ incompatible person. Forget blame, either live with what you have or move on, too much blame leads to massive resentment.

I found freedom from the angst when I took responsibility for my own mistake of marrying someone that I was not compatible with. I stopped and took stock of why he is a LD person and accepted that is who he is. Made the decision to move on even though it was incredibly painful.

Lesson learnt, set my standards back up to what I wanted in a partner and found him.

If people stay with an incompatible partner they have to share the blame for unhappiness or discontent. Either that or just suck it up and live with the relationship you have chosen.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

techmom said:


> Also, the "new relationship hormones" can mask true libido because it also affects the LD people....


Yes! I was considering mentioning that very important point.



techmom said:


> In about 3 years the LD's libido goes to its true level, this is why it needs to be taught to young people to wait at least 3 years before marriage....


Interesting idea. I recall, though, that the statistics were at first muddy for whether living together before marriage was a plus or a minus for success after marriage. Then someone looked closer and claimed there were really two cases being lumped together: Those where the couples were psychologically moving toward a future together, and those where the couples were living with "one foot out the door." In the first case the outcome was likely to be good, but in the second case not. Those with a preconceived idea of whether living together before marriage is good or bad can therefore argue it either way by cherry picking the data.

Anyway, I'm wondering if with some up-front agreed upon plan to "wait 3 years," (or some unspecified waiting length) more people might get into relationships where they end up with long term lack of commitment problems, effectively substituting one risk for another.

Since divorces aren't so hard to get, and it's likely going be hard to leave someone you might otherwise love after 3 years, even if not married, I don't think I could recommend a "wait 3 years" rule, cause 3 unmarried years might just turn into 30 very dramatic years with a commitment-phobe.

I would recommend a frank discussion as to if and how often one's spouse-to-be satisfies himself when living alone, because that might turn up a red flag early on, but otherwise I just can't think of any really good options.









Oh, and as far as the problems with the "Judeo Christian religions," I'm not so sure the Muslims are so great in this department, either. Maybe the Hindu and Shintos?


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> ...I expected when we were married and living together and spending more days and nights together that the sex would improve over time as well.
> 
> *I don't find that unreasonable - although I'm certainly old enough now to know better.*


Yes, very reasonable to hope for and assume the possibility of progress, if not the certainty of progress. * I can't imagine a life without at least some of that sort of hope.* (But I think it just needs to be balanced with a little bit of skepticism.)

I'm always amused by time travel stories where people go back in time and avoid making the mistake that's ruined their lives....and then they go on to make other, maybe worse, mistakes.

Or, simply put another way (and without any need for time travel): "There's no fool like an old fool."


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## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Sorry cuddlebug. My results have been similar. You can have a partner who will have sex with you - but if what you want is a partner filled with passion and desire for you - it still misses the mark.
> 
> Like you I'm thinking - *will I have to go my whole life and never know what it's like to be in bed with someone who's crazy for me, who wants to have sex all weekend, who wants to try anything new?*


This totally resonates with me. I am no longer willing to continue wondering.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

What I've learned in life so far, when you get married, its not about your needs anymore and its more about meeting your other halves needs as your own. I have done this in spades and also what I've learned from everyone on TAM. Yes I am HD adventurous. But whether I am HD or LD, my wifee is to take care of my needs as her own and this in not common with LD spouses. It's always their way in the end. Read the posts on TAM.

http://www.getendlesshoneymoon.org/low-libido-10-ways-to-tell-if-youre-with-a-low-libido-partner/


See, Mrs.CuddleBug is everything I love about a woman, just not sexually. So if things were the same a second time around, I would of been a great friend to her and even room mate, but not husband. Why go through life a second time with a LD all over again.:scratchhead:

Anyhoo, Mrs.CuddleBug surprised me on our 15th year anniversary, by sneaking in the bathroom naked and took me to the bedroom for great sex just before I went to work. This has never happened in our entire marriage, naked together, lights on, in the bathroom and sex just before work. So she is trying and I told her, this is the best anniversary gift she has ever got me.

More positive changes for Mrs.CuddleBug and I hope, when she hits pre menopause, her sex drive gets a noticeable permanent boost.:smthumbup:


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## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

LD's are the problem here because many don't adapt, change take care of their spouses needs as their own and its their way in the end.

It keeps coming down to compromise, but with a LD what is that? For the HD partner it is having less quantity and quality of sex. For the LD partner it is 'forcing yourself' to have more (any) sex. 

As discussed MANY times on here that leads to pity sex - resentment and pain.

Shy of a 'cure', I don't think I can see compromise as a realistic goal. I'm married to my best friend, but that isn't enough...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

HDsocal said:


> LD's are the problem here because many don't adapt, change take care of their spouses needs as their own and its their way in the end.
> 
> It keeps coming down to compromise, but with a LD what is that? For the HD partner it is having less quantity and quality of sex. For the LD partner it is 'forcing yourself' to have more (any) sex.
> 
> ...



What I've learned is most LD's are that way due to

- their size, insecurities
- how they were raised
- how they were treated, high school years
- bad ex bf or spouse
- abused as a child
- could even be a hormonal issue requiring medication(s)
- change the birth control used


Once a LD gets married, they are not their own anymore. So if their spouse is average drive or HD or Ultra HD, the LD spouse is now to take care of their other halves needs as their own, period. Or why did the LD get married in the first place?

There are so many ways to learn and find ways to improve the LD's sex drive.

- supplements
- internet, forums, etc.
- co workers, friends
- go to a gym, get the juices flowing

It isn't difficult to do and part of the reason a LD gets married is to have sex. You don't get married to be friends and room mates.

I also have learned that HD's are the ones compromising their high sex drives down to 50% but usually its much less than that. So the LD does little to no changing and the average, high and ultra high drive's are the ones doing all the sexual compromising and in the end, their needs are not being met much at all. Marriage is literally 50 / 50 and not 90 / 10.

I agree that duty and pity sex from the LD is common. Sex should be enjoyable, pleasurable and bonds spouses more that talking and being friends will ever do.

If there are supplements to suppress a sex drive, there are also supplements to increase a sex drive.

There is nothing wrong or unhealthy to having a good adventurous sex drive. In fact, when men have sex only 3x week, it lowers the chances of heart issues and attacks by up to 50%. But when men have sex 2x week or less, there is zero benefit. At that 3x week, the male hormones are increased enough that the health benefits start to become noticeable. Dr. Oz show. So if the woman really loves her man but is LD, she must make the effort to have sex 3x week, every week, if she wants her man to live a longer and healthier life with her.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug

responses below yours 


My wifee was raised by a God fearing Mom and Atheist Father, so she is neutral on faith. But you'd think she'd have a higher sex drive than me, right? No, she was LD way back.....

Judith: Her father is her big contributer to her view of sex. See Fathers and Daughters the Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life. Again it doesn't always have to do with touch for a girl to have issues with sex. Because of how women come to sex. The key with women is usually the sex begins in the kitchen meaning that she needs sex nonsexually before open the door to sex. Her father and mother not being on the same page has something to do with her view of sex. LD started back then because of how her parents perceived sex. Due to family and faith etc. She learned about sex by watching them in how they responded to each other nonsexually. I knew when my parents were have sex in the last 8 years in how they acted with each other and my mother would inform me which proved what I was seeing. 

Being patient for 15 years...?

I agree she isn't with holding sex intentionally, but 15 years....really?!

Judith: The only reason she has held it that long is again due to her "fear" of sex etc She has /had emotional trauma in result of sexual issues with sex. Women don't turn on immediately at first she has to make a decision to have sex when she feels it etc. THat is why also women need usually a ball park of twenty minutes or more of touch sexually to want it. 
I know a couple who are equal in their drive for sex and has proven to me what they books have said. Also The key is they talk about everything money and children included sex included and so on. Women need talk. 

Yes, she is coming around and all the positive changes are primarily for her and not me. The sex is a benefit for me but everything is mainly all for her.

Judith: Remember you need to relate to her nonsexually for her to open the door. 

What I don't understand is why LD spouses don't get it? Sex isn't rocket science or difficult. It bonds a hubby and wifee in so many intimate ways, more than just talking will ever do.

Judith: Mainly they don't get it due to the emotional trauma they have experience -they all can be equal to a degree. His twice a week and her twice a week. The key with women and men too is that the lack of education on sex from the healthy people etc. Yoru wife learned unhealthy sex from her parents. 

When you get married, the LD spouse isn't their own anymore and are now to take care of their other spouses needs as their own. But that isn't happening and a lot of the time, the LD spouse won't even do the meet me half way either. LD's are the problem here because many don't adapt, change take care of their spouses needs as their own and its their way in the end.

Judith: Because of emotional trauma. That is the main reason for it on all of it for both male and female. Ones I have talk to have not only shown me that but them as well. When there is no medical reason for it -the main reason is lack of talk about the issues sex include and do. If doing is a problem you can schedule it because believe it or not schedule it works. Takes the when is it going to happen out of the equation. 
For women it is fear , lack of info etc
Women wont because of their fear or whatever issue that is keeping them from it

I know my wifee isn't HD and never will be. Obvious. She was LD vanilla but now is more Average Drive or closer to it and some adventurousness.

Judith: She will get there with time and patience. YOu both have and can have sex until your 80-the key will be quality not necessarily quantity. YOu can still do it once week even then. The key is gentle and education. etc. One couple I know if they can be equal and prove that the books are right then you can too. 

Funny thing is, I would never turn her down if she wanted to try something different and I would never give her excuses not to have sex and be intimate with her either.

Judith: part of that is because your a guy and you feel it all the time physically in you. She doesn't understand that your biological reminds you you need sex not just for the physical but for the emotional too. The key is what is goal of sex. That is what you need to remember. 

If there was a supplement to help boost LD's, I would be all over it. You're only young once and then its done and you will never get that time and youth back. Why waste it being LD and stuck in your ways? Makes no sense.... 

Judith: There are things that can help her emtoions and menopause etc. stuff. over the counter stuff. 

The only reason women are stuck is due to the emotional trauma from issues with sex in the past due to what they saw the parents do or what was done with them


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug 

sorry I am late in responding and I want to respond to two fo the ones but wanted to respond to this too because of what I said in the other. 

responses below yours



What I've learned is most LD's are that way due to

- their size, insecurities
- how they were raised
- how they were treated, high school years
- bad ex bf or spouse
- abused as a child
- could even be a hormonal issue requiring medication(s)
- change the birth control used

Judith: Size is body image issues. Yes these can be overcome by a woman who like your wife is traumatized about sex. Insecuriites is huge for a woman because of how she relates in sex. Treated is the big one. IF boys rejected her relationally she is going to be scared of sex. etc Fear being a lack of better word. raised is how you see your parents handling sex and misinformation you get about it. ABuse is huge if she had that in her childhood which the way you talk about her issues with sex leads me to believe that is why she has done what she has about it for 15 years. A woman can even not ever want it and live that way part of it is because of how we come to sex. Hormonal stuff can always be taken care of. 


Once a LD gets married, they are not their own anymore. So if their spouse is average drive or HD or Ultra HD, the LD spouse is now to take care of their other halves needs as their own, period. Or why did the LD get married in the first place?

Judith: Agree you both own each other -she can use you too. She may not realize that -that she can use you in a healthy way too. The key is to drop these hints in to her mind. The key is if she was abused-she needs to see the difference between abuse and healthy sex. She wanted a man to love her and saw something in you that she like and wanted but didn't think that there was more to sex than kids. Usually a woman needs more than sex to be meaningful when there are no more kids. 
The key is she doesn't know her own body if and how it works and feels to realize that there is more to sex than kids. 
One thing you can do is ask her if she feels the need to pull you in physically and feel you inside. She may not be aware of that feeling and that it is a real feeling. 

Also her brain retains what happen to her in childhood sexually and doesn't realiae that what her brain retains is not the real thing in healthy marital sex and to let go ofwaht she feels in her brain in relearning to act in sex and find out what it is that is different. she is base her feeling of sex off of the childhood experience or trauma and not realize it is very different. 

There are so many ways to learn and find ways to improve the LD's sex drive.

- supplements
- internet, forums, etc.
- co workers, friends
- go to a gym, get the juices flowing

Judith: Yep and schedule sex can do it too. 

It isn't difficult to do and part of the reason a LD gets married is to have sex. You don't get married to be friends and room mates.

Judith: This just shows her lack of info about sex among other things. Kids need parents to be have sex. I knew when my parents weren't etc. I even have had two of the ones I talk to tell me there kids knew it too but couldn't figure out which parent is the problem. 

I also have learned that HD's are the ones compromising their high sex drives down to 50% but usually its much less than that. So the LD does little to no changing and the average, high and ultra high drive's are the ones doing all the sexual compromising and in the end, their needs are not being met much at all. Marriage is literally 50 / 50 and not 90 / 10.

Judith: True and the key is talk ttalk talk talk include talk about sex inside and outside of the bedroom

I agree that duty and pity sex from the LD is common. Sex should be enjoyable, pleasurable and bonds spouses more that talking and being friends will ever do.

Judith: Agree and she doesn't know it is not a duty that it is for her to and doesn't realize what happen to her taught it as a duty instead of what it needs to be

If there are supplements to suppress a sex drive, there are also supplements to increase a sex drive.

Judith yep include the mind

There is nothing wrong or unhealthy to having a good adventurous sex drive. In fact, when men have sex only 3x week, it lowers the chances of heart issues and attacks by up to 50%. But when men have sex 2x week or less, there is zero benefit. At that 3x week, the male hormones are increased enough that the health benefits start to become noticeable. Dr. Oz show. So if the woman really loves her man but is LD, she must make the effort to have sex 3x week, every week, if she wants her man to live a longer and healthier 

Judith: True it is healthy to have sex but you can at least go a week without it if need be. If she loves you she would give you sex and realize that she is keep her man by giving you what you need and what she needs out of it. As well as affairs wouldn't happen as much. Also she doesn't understand sex and how you come into it that is what you need to do. recreational companionship is what also helps her to give you what you need nonsexually and which builds the nonsexual relationahip with her 

Remember she needs sex nonsexually first by dating her and keep you on her mind daily by talk to her by phone and text. You need to put you in her mind so she is thinking about you all the time and that builds the desire for sex too. But remember education is going to lead her there too.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi cuddlebug. 

I was trying to find these to respond to but here they are in here 

Responses below yours. 


See, Mrs.CuddleBug is everything I love about a woman, just not physically and sexually. So if things were the same a second time around, I would of been a great friend to her and even room mate, but not husband. Why go through life a second time with a LD all over again.:scratchhead:

Judith: She may due to abuse if not abuse sexual trauma treating you like a father not a husband. Because of not understanding sex etc. She can be sexual like you to a degree. The key is to find out what the emotional issues is or the relational one is. For women it is all that first. 

Anyhoo, Mrs.CuddleBug surprised me on our 15th year anniversary, by sneaking the in bathroom naked and took me to the bedroom for great sex just before I went to work. This has never happened in our entire marriage, naked together, lights on, in the bathroom and sex just before work. So she is trying and I told her, this is the best anniversary gifts she has ever got me.

Judith: The key is once she becomes more comfortable with her body and how she looks she will do more to show you that she likes sex and wants it with her. She needs to feel it for her too and that is what she is also working on. The only reason it didn't happen is her trauma and emotional issues with sex. You need to remember she doesn't think like a guy so she is not going to aways remember that your drive for sex is constantly there. The key is some women either have to wear sexy clothing to remind them of the need for sex or put it on the calendar. You can always let her know verbally and teach her how to let you know sexually that you want it. 

More positive changes for Mrs.CuddleBug and I hope, when she hits pre menopause, her sex drive gets a noticeable permanent boost.:smthumbup:

Judith: She can still have sex even after menopause you both just need to find out how to go get it done


Not much left to tell but here goes.

Mrs.CuddleBug continues to change and grow. She has lost more weight, new clothing, teeth straight from braces, new hair styles, gym clothes and still going to the nature path. Gym is on the table too, women's gym, sooner or later.

Her sex drive is still low in my books because I am adventurous HD and probably will always be. I must initiate or she usually never does. She can still go with sex only 1 - 2x month and not blink an eye.

Judith; IT can be equal but you need to give her time she is getting comfortable with her self in sex. And that is huge for a woman. the key is you can be seen as a powerful person with sex and that can be scary to a woman. The key is for you to discuss the frequency of sex. she may not understand why once a week is good. 
Women like your wife who have had the trauma like she has doesn't understand that you need the initiate to be obvious and ddirect with a guy. Women don't understand that men need things to be direct and to the point and not beat around the bush. 
You need to explain to her how you need her to be direct with wanting sex to you. Women are flirty and subtle in their intiate and need to be informed how to let you know she is wanting sex etc. MAybe explain to her that take you literally in your hand by your sexual private part will turn you on and be direct to show you that she and you want it. Education goes a long way for a woman. And she may not realize that she can be subtle and direct. Education goes along way cuddlebug

Overall, I am happy for her and the positive changes she has gone through, for herself, her health, her confidence and you name it.

Judith: Good. 

But I will say this, I did not get married to have a female friend and cuddling room mate. I got married to have a physical and sexual, sensual wife to take care of my needs as her own because she is HD adventurous herself. When menopause starts for her and her sex drive might disappear, instead of 1 - 2x month, its 1 - 2x year, I will move on and get the divorce. No more talking, year after year and no change, etc. But if she starts getting a healthy physical and sensual sex drive, I will forgive and forget the last 15 years of sex 1x month.

Judith: Remember she is teaching you about relationship and emotions in sex too. Remember women need a reminder sometimes. 
Remember she can have sex after menopause. Just need to figure out how


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> What I've learned is most LD's are that way due to
> 
> - their size, insecurities
> - how they were raised
> ...


Cuddlebug... I've followed your thread all along. What you have "learned" is spot-on... should actually be a sticky on this forum. I too lived in an HD/LD relationship (I was the HD -- I am a woman). You have made FAR more progress in your relationship than I ever did and I applaud you for that. I ended up getting divorced from my LD husband after 20 years and am now in the BEST, most loving, adventurous sexual relationship that I ever could have imagined.

May I suggest, when you come across these sad HD/LD threads on TAM, that you copy and paste your above comment (the one I quoted)? It would help many poor souls going through the same torment.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug 

responses below yours 
I could be behind in this


It took my wife nearly 14 years of marriage to get it.

Judith: I am sorry it took her that long for you but the key is what her past did to her to contribute to this. A push is what a woman needs not a fix it yet

She admitted to me today, the main reason she has a low sex drive and doesn't want sex, is because of her size, making her insecure and not feel sexy. So all the e book reading and doing the MAPP, 180, etc. I've done didn't do much because she is insecure due to her size!!!

Judith: She is right. IT is not about being right or wrong. TI is about a woman and how she comes to sex. IT is all emotional first. She can build that low drive to equal yours as she works on the emotional stuff that affects her view of her self and her size. She has to see that her size is normal and not every one is the same. Find things about her size she likes. That is also called working on body image issues. Women have insecurity due to emotional and relational stuff and that is important to heal before coming to sex. Remember you think like a guy not a woman. Remember she is teaching you about emotional and relational in sex and your helping her to see the other part of it from your viewpoint. When she feels secure in the relationship and her view of her self then she will be equal to you. YOu be surprised. 

So for the last few months, she has lost 10 lbs already. I even am noticing how her large clothes are starting to fall down and are fitting loosely.....

Judith: Another thing is women don't understand why men like to look at a woman and that determines how men see themselves. As well as what helps him to feel good about himself in the relationship. Besides that also being a factor in what helps the sex to progress. She doesn't realize that your looking at her sexually is what helps turn her on and helps her vulnerability in sex. Because of insecurity she is not seeing this. The key is to help her feel comfortable by starting with nonsexual touch first. And some sexual touch that doesn't lead to sex. ITs called sensate touch. 
And your look at her sexually before during and after helps build her insecurity of her sexually to security but due to her past she is work on change that to what I said above

I've told her, she looks hot and wow, what a difference. My wife then tells me, she is just starting with the weight loss and this gets even better.....come New Years, January, she is going back to the gym!!!!

Judith: Remember you need to also affirm her as a person besides her looks. They go hand in hand for a woman that will build her security stuff. and her body image and so on. 

I am so happy, I'm really beyond words right now. I said, we should do the love language quiz and she actually agreed, so in a short while, we will do the quiz and compare our love languages.

Judith: Remember your love language will always be touch and sexual in nature because of how your wired. The key is to look beyond that to see what other touch you can benefit from besides the sexual. 


Things are definitely looking up, finally.

Judith; It gets better with patience. 

Judith


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Everything is still going great for Mrs.CuddleBug.

She is getting close to a size 14 which she never has been in her entire life.:smthumbup:

Still new clothes, hairstyles and her braces have pretty much straightened her lower teeth now. The upper teeth are giving her pain though for the readjusting and they need more time.

Sex is not bad. About 1 - 2x week, 3x week if I initiate more.

No new adventurous sex. I will have to initiate on that more.

She is randomly giving me massages while I game or do whatever and she does initiate more.

What else can I add here.....not much right now.

Thx for the compliment and advice all.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Got my wifee in the bathroom and shower together for the first time in our entire marriage........:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi Cuddlebug

responses below yours 

Everything is still going great for Mrs.CuddleBug.

She is getting close to a size 14 which she never has been in her entire life.

Still new clothes, hairstyles and her braces have pretty much straightened her lower teeth now. The upper teeth are giving her pain though for the readjusting and they need more time.

Sex is not bad. About 1 - 2x week, 3x week if I initiate more.

Judith; Good. It is good that it is two times a week. See how much progress you made. You made it to this. See as she work on her emotional issues you would get there. 

No new adventurous sex. I will have to initiate on that more.

Judith; Give her time and one day at a time. etc. baby steps. When she finds routine in what she does in sex is not enough then she will want that. She will want variety like you males like to have. She will want that variety. Baby steps

She is randomly giving me massages while I game or do 
whatever and she does initiate more.

Judith: Good she will do more on the nonsexual touch like you wouldnt be leave and actually the nonsexual will help her to want more sexual

Judith

What else can I add here.....not much right now.

Thx for the compliment and advice all.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Last night we were watching UFC together, cuddling on the couch. I was in the mood so I hinted and moved her hand on me. She started......and then fell asleep with me in her hand. This has happened before, so when I realized she was asleep, I got up and went upstairs on the computer and I was done for the night with her. About 1 hour later........she comes up, starts passionately massaging my back and lick my neck. To the bedroom and she rocked my world. I didn't say anything or get mad but she knew what she did and made up for it fast.

See, I would never fall asleep giving her oral........just beyond unacceptable. Not cool to get someone worked up and then fall asleep. 100% rule you don't break. Makes for a bad evening.

But everything worked out, no anger from me but she knew and no fighting about it either.

She loves doggie style and to lay down with her bum up and I'm laying on top of her. Seems she likes me being on top and in change in the bedroom.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Moments ago, Mrs.CuddleBug was in our bedroom and getting ready to change to go out.

She was sitting on the bed and took off her pants. I then took off her socks and helped take off her panties.....she didn't freak out.

Then I rubbed her feet and legs up to her waist and she didn't freak out either.

Then she got up, her shirt is off, no bra. I said. hmmm good and very nice. She said she didn't like the way her bra looked. I said she looks great and she said, I still have maybe 30 lbs more to loose. Then I'll feel good about myself and we can have a lot more fun.

So Mrs.CuddleBug is still very conscious about her body, even after loosing 50 lbs (she told me today).

Then I went to vid and she sat on my lap and I bounced her gently up and down......seated doggie style and put my head in her breasts......she grinned and smiled and didn't leave.

Then she did her usual passionate licking and kissing of my neck which gets me in the mood and hard immediately and she knows it. I said, when you get back, we are having "us time". So that's what's happening later on........

More positive changes for Mrs.CuddleBug, all due to her size and weight loss.....everything else helped but the weight was the main thing for her.

I can now say, if she was in great shape when we got married 15+ years ago and didn't need to loose up to 80 lbs, she wouldn't of been extremely insecure about herself and be LD.....


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug


Sorry this is late and respondses below yours



Last night we were watching UFC together, cuddling on the couch. I was in the mood so I hinted and moved her hand on me. She started......and then fell asleep with me in her hand. This has happened before, so when I realized she was asleep, I got up and went upstairs on the computer and I was done for the night with her. 

Judith: Something to keep in mind cuddlebug. Some women like it to happen to them sexually while they are sleep. IT can be feel good when they are asleep. Ask her about that. Sometimes some women like sexual touch even if it doesnt turn them on. It feels good to receive sexual touch even if doesnt turn sexual. THe key to remember her mind is what you need to transition from sleep to sex. She may have needed that to be able to do sex later. Sometimes that is now women body and mind work. 

About 1 hour later........she comes up, starts passionately massaging my back and lick my neck. To the bedroom and she rocked my world. I didn't say anything or get mad but she knew what she did and made up for it fast.

See, I would never fall asleep giving her oral........just beyond unacceptable. Not cool to get someone worked up and then fall asleep. 100% rule you don't break. Makes for a bad evening.

Judith; I realize that but see above. The key is to keep in mind she may need what happen above in order for her mind to get there sexually. THat is why they recommend nonsexual and sexual touch for twenty minutes or more on the average for women so she can transition in her mind to sex. 

But everything worked out, no anger from me but she knew and no fighting about it either.

Judith: Try to remember it is not always about you. I realize you feel it directly becuase of your body inform you of it but try to see that it could be that she wants it but is unable to provide it becuase of her mind

She loves doggie style and to lay down with her bum up and I'm laying on top of her. Seems she likes me being on top and in change in the bedroom.

Judith: Yes because it is nurturing and protecting is why the on top is what women want among other things.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug just got back from being out and she modeled her newer clothes. WOW, she is starting to get an hour glass figure and is looking good.:smthumbup:

I told her, wow, looking really good and she tells me, I want to loose another 30 lbs.

She also got a gym member ship today and starts Sunday or Monday and with a trainer.:smthumbup::smthumbup:

But I can't get over the transformation she is going through. From Obese, needing to loose 80 lbs, to getting an hour glass figure, many new clothes, hair styles, teeth straightened and 50 lbs lost, going to a gym to loose maybe another 30 lbs more........WOW. And all in one year too. 2014 was the year of Mrs.CuddleBug.:smthumbup:

Now all we need is her sex drive to increase more, 3x every week, maybe more and adventurous instead of more vanilla and I will be the happiest hubby on earth.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't want to sound like a TAM broken record, but um..... a female trainer, right?

In any case, congratulations!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I haven't asked Mrs.CuddleBug but I think its a female trainer.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug

sorry this is late

responses below yours


Now all we need is her sex drive to increase more, 3x every week, maybe more and adventurous instead of more vanilla and I will be the happiest hubby on earth.

Judith: patience. It will in time. Give her time. She has to get comfortable with her self in what she is currently doing and work it in her mind to be able to move forward. Give the idea to her first and discuss it before you do it. She has to get her head around it before doing it. She is not like you when she can just jump into it. Part of it is being a woman and part of it is becuase of her past. 

Judith


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> See, I would never fall asleep giving her oral........just beyond unacceptable. Not cool to get someone worked up and then fall asleep. 100% rule you don't break. Makes for a bad evening.



It's the worst to be fallen asleep on.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds great, it's amazing when things start working out. Feels great doesn't it?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug has now got the gym pass and workout clothes. She has started doing cardio and weight training as of Sunday.....:smthumbup::smthumbup:

I really hope her sex drive increases and becomes much more adventurous........


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Bit of an update:


Mrs.CuddleBug is going to the gym four times each week doing weights and cardio. She is enjoying this and can't miss more than a day or two.

She has already lost some inches in her mid section but gained a few pounds. She is starting to flex her arm muscles and showing me her body and is my bum getting smaller? It is.

She has for the first time bought high heeled boots and I love them.

She is still buying newer clothes and her teeth have now filled in were the four were pulled out. The braces have really done their job and no more elastic bands.

It is her time of the month, so we were cuddling on the couch and she starts massaging me and then proceeds to give me a bj. Now, its been a while since she gave me a bj, so i had problems having an orgasm but she continued, never gave up and about 30 minutes later, I did go and she swallowed as usual. She gets upset if she can't get me to orgasm and she doesn't swallow. So she tries even harder with the bj and that almost backfires because I can tell she is getting upset. I told her, use it or lose it. BJ a few times each month is great. BJ once every few months, is bad.

I ordered us gluten free pizza, wings and pasta and we ate together, talked and watched tv.

Tonight its dinner and ufc together and cuddle on the couch.

When we do missionary, she likes to grab my bum and pull me in. So I put my hands under her bum and pull her in hard. Then I can clearly hear her enjoyable pleasure moans and sounds. She loves this. She also gets into doggie style and I sometimes give her a back massage at the same time.

Overall, things are improving, two steps forward and one step back. Her confidence and how she feels about her body are changing week after week.

She still can go weeks of zero sex and physicality and at that point, I get *****y, moody, we fight about every little thing and start doing our own things alone. She notices this and then, bam, great sex. I hope one day, sex to Mrs.CuddleBug is more important to her and she actually gets a healthy sex drive and initiates whenever she is in the mood, like many of the ladies here on TAM.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug is starting to flex for me now.

Her breasts, arm, and shoulders.

She is letting me caress her breasts which she never lets me do and she is really getting into doggie style.....like moments ago.

Her body is transforming now and its starting to show. I'm like BAM.......you look hot.:smthumbup: She poses and flexes some more....

I was massaging her feet. She still doesn't like that. I asked her why not? I think they're soft and sexy. She tells me she still doesn't think they are.....insecurity.

At least she is getting comfortable being naked in front of me with the lights on.:smthumbup:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug

responses below yours
I know how to spell but technology doesnt always keep up with you.

She still can go weeks of zero sex and physicality and at that point, I get *****y, moody, we fight about every little thing and start doing our own things alone. She notices this and then, bam, great sex.

Judith: She is learning about you in that what you need sexually and watching you to see about your emotional state. She learning about who you are as a husband and sexual one. This above is a learning time for her

I hope one day, sex to Mrs.CuddleBug is more important to her and she actually gets a healthy sex drive and initiates whenever she is in the mood, like many of the ladies here on TAM. 

Judith; YOu keep doing what your doing and she will. YOu both are in your 30s so give it time. 

Her body is transforming now and its starting to show. I'm like BAM.......you look hot.:smthumbup: She poses and flexes some more....

Judith; This shows she is getting comfortable with her body adn sexual part of her. Patience Cuddlebug

I was massaging her feet. She still doesn't like that. I asked her why not? I think they're soft and sexy. She tells me she still doesn't think they are.....insecurity.

Judith; Insecurity is a challenge to overcome when it comes to body image issues etc. Remember this is about her emotional part of her as a person 

There is progress here major progress here Cuddlebug, patience. 
Remember she is seeing this from a relational and emotional point of view -

At least she is getting comfortable being naked in front of me with the lights on.:smthumbup:

Judith; This is good Cuddlebug because she is seeing that her vulnerability in sex is safe with you and that she can be herself with you in sex. and that her body is helping her in turn you on because of your visual part of you in sex


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When I recently got my iPhone 6, I have been texting Mrs.CuddleBug at her work. I tell her, she is my sexy lady, she's very soft, I flirt with her, and you get the idea.

At first, she just says, "get 2 work" or doesn't even respond.

Now she is responding and says I'm crazy, looney, and when I say, we need us time later, she texts and says, okay.

I asked her today after work, do you like all my flirty, sexy texts? She said.....yes, she likes it.

The last week or so, she has been cuddling on my every day after she gets home from work. Then I roll over, hold and hug her, while her head rests on my neck. She told me, I feel your heart beat and pulse.......she likes this.

Then I hold her jaw gently and give her a long kiss.

She is loving all of this and I also give her a 5 second kiss when we leave for work out of our front door.

Definitely more affectionate with cuddling and kissing, since I got the iphone and have been texting her daily when we both are at work.

I don't initiate sex though and her sex drive hasn't changed much. I have to always say, us time, and then we have sex. She isn't taking the initiative yet. I hope this changes one day.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Im so happy for you and your wife!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

thx.

I wanted to share my wife's transformation on TAM.

TAM has taught me so much and I am returning the favor.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Its been about one week of no sex, so I am getting HD *****y again. I texted Mrs.CuddleBug at work, telling her, no point in having sex if its only to please me. She came home, jumped on me for cuddling, did crazy things to me on the couch.....we went upstairs and best sex in quite the while.

I know her love language is act of service and I can't change her into physical like myself. Something I may have to accept and that she may never change.

That means she enjoys sex, but to please me. So the connection, emotional and physical she loves it but its to please me.

Ideally, I want to give back how she takes care of my main physical need but that may never be the case, no matter how many times I've talked to her about it.

Her way of dealing with it, rock my world and not talk about it.


She has bought newer workout pants and gone down another size.....I asked her to model them for me later.

Things are still going good, 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

I text her every day now telling her how sexy and soft she is and I'm a lucky guy. She is getting used to it now and starting to text back in a good way.

Only time will tell.......and she turned 36 on Saturday.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When Mrs.CuddleBug got home from work today, she jumped on me for cuddling on the couch, my arm around her and a warm blanket over us. I always make her sleepy within a few minutes of cuddling and an hour later, sorta watching The Voice, she tells me, I want to go to the gym now, but you're making it so difficult for me to leave......hehehe, I'm bad.

She got back from the gym, flexed her muscles for me, I saw her new workout pants and very nice bum.......I gave her a big hug and told her she is getting really hot. She liked that and told me she still has a long way to go. I told her, I am already happy.

She is definitely into the gym and I help her in any way I can.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Another major break through this evening.

Mrs.CuddleBug was in bed with her iTouch and I put my hands under the sheets and started sensually rubbing her feet. I asked her, why don't you like me rubbing your feet? She tells me, I think they're ugly, not ideally looking, toe nails, dry and peeling.....and it tickles me. So I used my fingers and it tickles her so I stopped and now use the palms of my hands. No more tickling. I asked her, now, does that feel good? She noded her head, yes. You aren't telling me what I want to hear, right? No, it feels good. I told her, I think your feet are sensual, soft and sexy and you need to get over that insecurity. One day, toe nail polish and high heels and rock my world. She said okay. So now I sensually rub Mrs.CuddleBugs feet with the palms of my hands and she likes it. The more I do this, the more she will get comfortable with me doing this for her.

She is so insecure about her body......wow.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug is still going strong at the gym and enjoys it.

She has been flexing her back and arm muscles for me and now even her calves.

I tell her she's very hot and sexy.:smthumbup:

When I do my weekly grocery shopping for us, I buy her treats that are gluten free and I eat the same as her to support her on going efforts.

She is more comfortable naked with the lights on but I can tell she still is a little uneasy.

I'm trying to get her to try different positions but she really loves doggie style and when I hammer her hard and she loves to hammer me back.

I hope one day she has a healthy adventurous sex drive and initiates whenever the mood strikes her. Or she may never be like this, I have to finally accept that and always be the initiater.

I give her surprise body massages just when she is going to sleep and she loves this and is out fast.

She enjoys using her tongue and fingers all over me but if I do that with her, she still doesn't like it.

I guess that's Acts of Service for her and Physical for me, our main love languages.

I am thinking I will buy some scented oils and give her massages. I think she will like that and it will be a surprise, not planned or predictable.

I am still massaging her feet, she likes this but it doesn't do anything for her, is what she tells me. I think this is because she finds her feet ugly. If she thought her feet were okay, she probably would like the foot massages more.

Things overall are always slowly getting better. The old 2 steps forward and one step back thing.


Merry Christmas everyone and enjoy the time off work too.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug texts me from work, we chat and I tell her, I want her when she gets home......"us time" and that I've been thinking about her flexing her arms, back and calves......she texts back, okay.....just no harassing me tonight.

I have a bad habit of cuddling up and rubbing Mrs.CuddleBug at night because I love her softness, warmth and that she is with me. She likes it but then soon afterwards.....go away, enough....no more.

I tell her, my main needs have to be met more and then I won't be doing that at night because I am starved....she is starting to get it more.

So last night and tonight, sex 2x in two days. I have to always initiate though, or it usually doesn't happen because she is the passive type.

I think I'll surprise her with dinner when she gets home too.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Just found your thread, CuddleBug. Totally 'getting it' as I'm in a similar situation with my Wife, and the progress you're posting is encouraging. Subscribed. :smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Just doing my part by sharing what I am going through.

TAM has helped me so much, I want to give something back.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Thanks for the update CuddleBug!! Great to hear things are still moving forward!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

No prob and thx.:smthumbup:

Mrs.CuddleBug wasn't feeling too good today, since it was her first day back to work after the holidays, so I decided to get us dinner and we watched Bar Rescue and the Canucks together. Now she is feeling much better and I put off the "us time" tonight for another night. We're having a great evening just relaxing and our cat is napping on her head......lol.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug continues to show me her transforming body. She flexes her calves, arms, shoulders, back, etc. and tells me see? feel them!!

I tell her awesome and sexy.

Now since Mrs.CuddleBug is doing weights and cardio 3+ days each week (1 to 1.5 hour sessions), she is getting stronger, and her muscles are starting to grow. She is a little upset that she's gained some weight instead of losing more and more. She lost 55 lbs, gained 5 lbs back, type of a thing. I told her, everyone has a different body type and frame. As you get stronger, you will lose and gain weight and get toned. She is going back to the naturopath to change her diet to try and lose more weight.

I have, as a surprise, ordered a bottle of lube that lasts a long time with great reviews. It should be here this week.

Something else I'm noticing with myself. Since my wifee is lower sex drive and its been that way our entire marriage, and I'm getting older and have always been the high sex drive, I am not orgasming every time like I used to. Mrs.CuddleBug is getting upset and wonders what's going on? We recently had a chat and I told her, use it or lose it and since I'm getting older, and you are lower sex drive, I am losing it. She asks me, what can I do??? I told her, you must get your sex drive up, to a healthy average or high levels or what I'm going through will get worse. Like any muscle in the body, you use it often or you will lost it, not literally of course. And my sex drive is meh now. I don't think about sex or crave it much. If I have sex often, I want to be with Mrs.CuddleBug every day but if we have sex once in a few weeks, I don't want it much and have issues.

I told Mrs.CuddleBug, all the LD for the last 15 years of marriage has caught up and now its backfiring.

No, I'm not viewing porn every day and a porn addict desensitizing myself. Porn is maybe 1x every two months. No I'm not having an affair either. Money isn't an issue since together we make about $110,000 year. We have our own cars too and can go out whenever we wish.

The more you do something, the better you get it at. The less you do something, the worse you get at it.

Maybe the sensual lube arriving this week will spice it up.:scratchhead:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I was making organic chicken fingers, went upstairs to the 'puter room and Mrs.CuddleBug just got out of the shower, and was waiting for me at the top of the stairs......

She started doing her neck licking on me, and took me to the bedroom and BAM.......I had no problems having an orgasm a few minutes later. We chatted afterward and I said, I guess I still work.....Mrs.CuddleBug told me, I knew you were fine. That's very nice of her to say.

And my talking about how sexy her feet are is starting to have an effect because she was rubbing them on me and saying they're sexy and soft after her shower.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx and the updates continue.....


Today, Mrs.CuddleBug was texting me from her work and I surprised her about the sexy lube I bought. She tells me, were do you buy these things? Silver Bullet, sexy lube? I tell her, a gentleman doesn't tell......lol, but she knows I'm into being fun and adventurous.

Anyhoo, I was watching tv, relaxing on the couch and she gets back from work and the pulls off my blanket and takes me by my hand upstairs to the bedroom.

She cuddled up to my back for a while and says, why are you always so warm? I am a man and that's what men are for, to warm up our ladies. She liked that. Then she does her lick and suck on my neck and ear thing. I started gently nibbling her breasts and she liked it. Then I pushed her hands aside with mine and starting giving her oral.

She then did something for the first time. While I was giving her oral, she put her feet, soles and toes together and started giving me a foot job and man, was that soooooo good.

Then she always likes it when we do doggie and I hammer her hard while she hammers me back hard. She really likes that for some reason. Probably her favorite besides missionary and she grabs my bum and pulls me in hard and I place my hands under her bum and pull her in hard. She makes moans and groans and loves that position as well. Two positions she really loves.

I told her later, the foot job thing was hot and her feet are soft and sexy. I also rubbed her feet while she was reading in bed later and I asked her, do you like that? Yes.....feels good. 

So Mrs.CuddleBug is opening up more, foot job, feet massaged, sexy lube and two favorite sexual positions.

More positive changes for her. She continues to go to the gym, eats well and makes her own food.

As a treat weekend, I ordered UFC and Hanson's gluten free pizza, chicken wings, salad and chicken lasagna. We had a great Saturday night together.

Will continue to update. I'd say its always two steps forward and one step back.

Mrs.CuddleBug does initiate sex but I still must do most of the initiating because she is passive and I am more aggressive. Doesn't bother me too much anymore. And I will use that sexy lube on her feet for her giving me the next foot job.....that will be insane.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I pushed Mrs.CuddleBug's boundaries when I surprised her with the silver bullet, her first vibrator. Took her maybe one month to use it and bam, she loved it, had a great orgasm and we had the best sex that night after I got home from work.

I pushed her boundaries a bit more when I surprised her with nookie lube, water based lube. I got her to put some on her fingers and she didn't mind it.

Now I am pushing her boundaries some more. I have read on this a lot and I decided to buy a penis sleeve. This will add to my length by 1.75 inches and a bigger girth as well. I was doing much reading on the ideal size range for the ladies, so I settled on this which will be in that range and no its not 6 inches or smaller but its not 8.5 inches and bigger either.

Should arrive this week and I will surprise her, by leaving it on the bed with a note, saying lets try this.


Advantages:

- no mess, no cleanup, no toilet paper
- bigger to hit more of her inside areas but not stupidly huge
- once in a while as something to spice it up
- skin color, and feels the same


Will update later on......


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug

I want to let you know cuddlebug your on the right track with what your doing with your wife to encourage her to have sex. I have realize that it has worked with others i have helped. My female friend being one of them. She informed me that her husband is to push her not me. You have the right idea have help your wife to have sex. 

I just want to caution you to gently push dont over do it. take your time if she is not ready -give her- her space and try again in a few days. etc -weekly ... She needs time to process things. 

I wonder if anyone on this site has tried his tool if you will to push their spouse to have sex. Males are action oriented and women are slow and need the action from the male to make it happen. 
Women could do the same for the male spouse

Just have to keep at it the women for the males -it appears that if that happens males would be at it in no time besides working on the nonsexual emotional issues that come with it too. 

Cuddlebug what do you think if Mrs had any nonsexual issues when you pushed her besides what you have said on here-
in her responses. like was she ever initially in the beginning give you negative responses at first. 
I know that even though she is doing what she needs she would have some yuckki feelings to work through that would have contributed to her needing to verbally vent about things. 

I think if people would take your idea Cuddlebug and use it the men would be have sex in no time. IT work for my friend and others I know. Why it works that way I dont know but I do know that it has something to do with teh father daughter aspect. Because the father teaches the daughter how to relate to men.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx for the advice. 

I am pushing Mrs.CuddleBug, yes, but not all at once. The small vibrator was quite the while ago now. The nookie lube was weeks ago. The penis sleeve will be this week. I don't expect her to jump up and down, yes. I expect her to be shy, and take it slow and then one day, lets use your new friend......and that's how I'll approach it.

I know Mrs.CuddleBug is transforming and is still shy and LD, so no pushing, just two steps forward and one step back.

I push her enough to be moving forward but not at all once.

If Mrs.CuddleBug had non sexual issues, I would listen even more, try to understand more but not solve her issues and support her the best I can as a guy.

Mrs.CuddleBug's father is quiet and shy and keeps to himself. He doesn't even email me much, which I find odd. Just the way her family has always been. They don't even like pictures taken of them including Mrs.CuddleBug......very odd.:scratchhead:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Mr Cuddlebug 

responses below yours

Your welcome


If Mrs.CuddleBug had non sexual issues, I would listen even more, try to understand more but not solve her issues and support her the best I can as a guy.

Mrs.CuddleBug's father is quiet and shy and keeps to himself. He doesn't even email me much, which I find odd. Just the way her family has always been. They don't even like pictures taken of them including Mrs.CuddleBug......very odd.

Judith: THat is where she gets her body image issues and be open and naked in sex Mr C. 
Due to her father being passive -your wife has learn that that is normal and that there fore plays itself out in sex. Again the father teaches the daughter about sex nonseuxally by how he relates to her. He her dad has emotional issues and doesnt know how to initiate becuase of a mother who didnt help him with relationship stuff. AS well as His dad somehow or another didnt help him with initiate either. 
Someone I know friend who wife's brothers will not initiate towards women and as a result the brothers are not married. When teh friend wife help their son to work on relationship stuff and initiate -then the son was more apt to be wanting to be out and interacting with others. 
Take pictures is for children like your wife -who has been forced to be on display as a child before she ready also plays into your wife have challenges with sex. have ones picture taken all the time and over board as a child makes you be put on display when you dont want to be and sex kind of requires one to be on display and that can be unsettling 
IF she had positive experiences with have her picture taken-she would then be ready to be open among other things in sex and not so shy about it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for the advice and it makes sense to me now.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Bit of an update.


When I surprised Mrs.CuddleBug with her first vibrator, she was shocked and mad. About one month later, she used it and I got home from work with a really horny Mrs.CuddleBug and we had the best sex in our entire marriage.

Then I bought some water based lube called Nookie Lube and we used it for a breast job......that lube was amazing and it just went on and on and wow, fantastic breast job.

I am getting older, so I bought a member extension. Basically, I put this on, I'm a bit longer and bigger but nothing stupidly huge and Mrs.CuddleBug can go at it forever. I told her, no mess, no toilet paper......she got MAD. I asked her, why not? NO. I said don't you want to spice it up now and then? NO. I told her I'm not getting any younger and I'm not 20 anymore. This would help me and mainly for you. NO. We'll talk about it later and later came and she took her laptop upstairs and that was it for our evening. I don't know why she reacted the way she did. :scratchhead:

Then she says quite buying all that sex ****!!!

I'm thinking, a small vib and lube and now a male extension, over our 15 years of being married, is me buying all that sex stuff???:scratchhead:

I just want to spice it up a bit and she can have killer orgasms. I don't see what the problem is. Maybe she'll let me know later??

I'm at a loss why she got so mad.:scratchhead:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug 

Responses below yours. I am going to delete some things out. I am going to be blunt even though at times I am. 

Bit of an update.

I am getting older, so I bought a member extension. Basically, I put this on, I'm a bit longer and bigger but nothing stupidly huge and Mrs.CuddleBug has go at it forever. I told her, no mess, no toilet paper......she got MAD. I asked her, why not? NO. I said don't you want to spice it up now and then? NO. I told her I'm not getting any younger and I'm not 20 anymore. This would help me and mainly for you. NO. We'll talk about it later and later came and she took her laptop upstairs and that was it for our evening. I don't know why she reacted the way she did.

Judith: First off some info about women and sex. Alot of men think at least half think that women like orgasms to be the thing. Also women who heal from a past your like your wife and want sex find feelings that are sexual that are good they didnt know they had. A penis gives those feelings a woman never thought possible. The skin to skin contact is what a woman needs in sex and helps her to feel close relationally and emotionally. YOu need to remember your thinking like a guy not like a woman. She needs for now to have you use the real thing not the vibrator. Use the vibrator for times when you need a quicky. Even the extension on you. THe different positions give the woman the feel of your penis inside when it doesnt fit. Also 
she feels an empty feeling real literal physical feeling of empty and need you and yoru penis in side. as well as she also needs your liquid inside to fill her up and that is the satisfaction that she needs every time she has sex. So that is why she is upset and was. The key is to wait. on use that. nOw is not the time to use that until she is comfortable with everything that you have done physically with your hands etc. 

Then she says quite buying all that sex ****!!!

Judith: Yes because it is about relationship in sex for a woman not just physical. She feels the emotions throughout her body sexually emotionally literal physically. Think WHOLE piece of pie not parts. 

I'm thinking, a small vib and lube and now a male extension, over our 15 years of being married, is me buying all that sex stuff???

Judith: Your thinking like a guy not like a woman. 

I just to spice it up a bit and she can have killer orgasms. I don't see what the problem is. Maybe she'll let me know later??

Judith: Well part of what i said above women dont know that and wont know it until for alot of reasons. Also She may be able to say and she may not. 

I'm at a loss why she got so mad.

Judith; See above.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for the info.

I will put away my male extension and maybe one day, she might be curious and want to try it. For now, its tucked away.

The vibrator I bought her she uses by herself and rarely when we have sex. I never bring her vib out and just start using it on her.

I'm just chill a bit, take a step back and see if she talks about it at any point.

But I hear you. She may only want skin on skin contact, the entire oneness, nothing else and I'm fine with that.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug

responses below yours


Thanks for the info.



I will put away my male extension and maybe one day, she might be curious and want to try it. For now, its tucked away.

The vibrator I bought her she uses by herself and rarely when we have sex. I never bring her vib out and just start using it on her.

I'm just chill a bit, take a step back and see if she talks about it at any point.

But I hear you. She may only want skin on skin contact, the entire oneness, nothing else and I'm fine with that.

Judith:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When we were cuddling, Mrs.CuddleBug told me something she never has before.

I like your heart beat when I lay my head on your chest. It's soothing and puts me to sleep.

That's a new one.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It also may have been too much, too fast. Although in my mind I don't know why a member extension would be so different from a vibrator...but that's just me. Anyway, if this is the best sex you've had in your marriage, she may still need time to adjust to it all. Having new, fresh, sexual desires can seem scary at times, especially if she hasn't had them before. You've been building trust with her, and I think it's good to push boundaries at times, but not so much that she's frightened or made to feel terribly uncomfortable. 

I think your plan to be chill about it is a good plan. Let her think on it, let her become used to this new sexual life. She may open up even more.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hi Created2Write,


Its been a while. Hope everything is getting better for you.

Yah, I think you're right about this. For Mrs.CuddleBug, its too much too fast.

I am the one to push boundaries, so very true.

I haven't mentioned anything about the extension since then, but in her bedside night table, I have placed her vib, nookie lube and the extension. Once in a while, she may open that drawer she normally doesn't go into and.....oh, i see.......

I am totally chilling and not pushing her or saying anything. Little steps work best with her. Thx.


This month there has been more stress than usual and she hasn't gone to the gym or eaten as healthy either. She has gained some weight and is not happy. She is leaving soon to see her trainer......and isn't looking forward to that. I told her, maybe you needed one month off as a break? Then go hard again for another 11 months? She tells me, no, I shouldn't of taken the month off......she isn't happy with herself right now and is stressing.....


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It's easy to beat ourselves up when we fall out of a good routine. Hopefully, once back in her healthy groove, she'll start feeling better about herself. We all stumble and make mistakes. Beating ourselves up only serves to make us stressed. 

Sounds like you're doing a good job of supporting her.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug just naturally stresses out over little things were as I do not.

She gets upset easily and is very emotional, were as I am not.

You could say I am her rock, strong and supportive. But since I am a guy, I have to learn about how ladies feel, think, try not to solve their problems and just listen. For me, as a guy, that's very difficult but I have come a long way.

She is now gone to do some cardio and it turned out, her trainer got in an accident and can't meet her today.....good for Mrs.CuddleBug I guess.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update:


Mrs.CuddleBug over the last few months has now gained most of her weight back and is back to her old size of clothing.

She is very stressed out about this and not happy about her body changes.

She is 37 years old, so I wonder if pre menopause is kicking in?

Her sex drive has slowed down to once every few weeks, and maybe longer.

Is Mrs.CuddeleBug going to get huge now, lose her sex drive and possibly our marriage? Who knows? 

And we've been married 16 years as of September, wow.

I am in the best shape ever. I do the Intermittent Fasting diet, no food for 16 hours and eat in the remaining 8 hours. You lean up fast, lose some weight and size and I feel great. I am about 220 lbs now and love it at 6 ft 2. I no longer am hot needing to wear shorts all the time either. This is great.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddle

responses below yours 

Update:


Mrs.CuddleBug over the last few months has now gained most of her weight back and is back to her old size of clothing.

She is very stressed out about this and not happy about her body changes.

She is 37 years old, so I wonder if pre menopause is kicking in?

Judith: Could be but she can still do sex weekly if her cramps and stuff is not that bad. THe key is to be sure every other week or once a month for 12 months. If less than 12 it is sexless. 

Her sex drive has slowed down to once every few weeks, and maybe longer.

Judith: It might affect it it might not. More than likely it is the stress of whatever going on in her life at work or whatever. Emotional etc. Talk it out with her Talk talk talk. Dont let her keep it in. Help her analzye it. Women who have issues have challenges with talk it out. YOur logic can help her solve it.
Remember your action oriented and you need to make ti happen. 
COntinue to do what you have been doing. Trust me women like her who have worked out of the issues that kept her from it need you to make it happen. 
Women usually will not have sex until death if they dont want to. 
You have a physical reminder literally that push you to want sex which helps her to want it. Remember it is like ice cream to a woman. She may not want it at first but after she has some she glad she got it. 
Touch her. Dont stop the nonsexual touch etc. 
Your touch her is what gets her started and builds her wanting sex even nonsexual touch too. 


Is Mrs.CuddeleBug going to get huge now, lose her sex drive and possibly our marriage? Who knows?

Judith: Not if you touch her and "make" sex happen like you have been doing. 

And we've been married 16 years as of September, wow.

I am in the best shape ever. I do the Intermittent Fasting diet, no food for 16 hours and eat in the remaining 8 hours. You lean up fast, lose some weight and size and I feel great. I am about 220 lbs now and love it at 6 ft 2. I no longer am hot needing to wear shorts all the time either. This is great.

Judith


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yesterday I did all the chores for our place, inside and outside, so Mrs.CuddleBug has nothing to do on her days off work this week.

She asked me, should we get anything? I'm clothes shopping. I told her, go to Hansen's and pick up, and that I'll order now.

I ordered us gluten free pizza, two 20 orders of wings and chicken lasagna. Healthier and gluten free.

So she ate most of her wings and had some pizza. I finished 14 wings and put the 6 left over in a tuberware with her wings.

Today, she was out at a seminar on her day off work. She gets home and eats some more pizza and asks me, can I finish off all the wings? I said sure, go ahead. Then I noticed only a few pieces of pizza and I asked her, can i have them? She gets angry, its my pizza. I get mad back, I just let you eat all my wings and now I can't have any of your pizza? She said I paid for dinner. I told her would you like my chicken lasagna too then??? No comment......that's got me mad and now I'm upstairs and Mrs.CuddleBug is going to be alone tonight!!!

I paid for all the items we needed to move into our apartment, she paid nothing.

I paid for all upgrades inside and outside our place for I'd say 7 years of being married, she paid nothing.

Only during the last 8 years does she pay half for all our upgrades and repairs.

Many times I surprised her with dinner before she got home because I get home before she does.

To me, a comment like that is wrong, got me in a bad mood and Mrs.CuddleBug is history tonight.:scratchhead:


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Mrs. C is probably very unhappy with herself right now and more than a little testy. You mentioned in a prior post that she has gained her weight back and was in her larger sized clothes and had lost her sex drive. What happened that caused this? Is she still working out? Watching her diet?

First of all, it is not all that unusual for a person to regain their lost pounds. Embracing change in lifestyle on a permanent basis is very, very difficult. It takes tremendous resolve to sustain what to many people are unpleasant dieting and exercise. Add to that, many people value themselves for something other than looking "hot", and starving themselves and exercising endlessly seems a giant waste of time compared to spending the time developing that part of themselves they do value. That is not to say that the person will give up. Often they will try again to lose the weight for the sake of their SO. It is just an exhausting and never ending battle.

Perhaps Mrs. C has shut down the sex because she feels bad about how she looks. From what you are describing, it is much the same situation as before she lost the weight.

To me, it sounds as though she is very unhappy with herself and took it out on you. You do not need to justify your position with recounting a financial balance sheet. That will just make you resentful. Just know that she came at you in anger and frustration, address it with her when you both have cooled down.

You may need to take a more proactive stance on the food thing. Even if she is not "dieting", wings, pizza (gluten free or not, it is still freaking pizza) and lasagna are not healthy foods, not even for you. Better to order a large pan of salad, grilled or rotisserie chicken, and some meatballs with marinara to feed you both over the weekend. Add some fresh fruit and you are set. And, she probably won't fight you for the leftover salad.:smthumbup: 

Just saying, Mrs. C isn't really mad at you, she is mad at herself, so don't take it so hard.


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

Template, I'm so glad you posted that. I've been thinking the exact same things!

Cuddlebug, how are things with your wife now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Things are okay. We are talking and her period just started today. Not saying that's the main reason but I'm sure it plays a big role. We aren't fighting so that's good but I am doing my own thing now. I've been catching up with a good friend of mine I haven't seen in many years and he lives 10 minutes away. Going for walks with him, catching up and helped fix his laptop for his gf. Basically, I'm upstairs and Mrs.CuddleBug is downstairs doing our own thing.

I won't take it so hard, okay.

Agreed Mrs.CuddleBug has to make eating healthy and exercise a permanent lifestyle change and not just for a while and almost stop.

It's like you have to light a fire under Mrs.CuddleBug's butt to get her motivated.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm a man, but I know how debilitating being obese can be for some people. It's a HUGE detriment to one's self esteem, at least for a good many of us. I've got way too much painful experience in that arena.

It sounds like a lot of your sex drive issues do stem from her feelings of insecurity when in a fat body. When your body doesn't look remotely the way you feel inside it can lead to some horrific self doubt, like you're trapped in some ugly, embarrassing looking container that you're just so ashamed to be in. I'm not surprised that the former weight loss was THE major thing that helped improve your sex life. So much of sex is mental, and a healthy self esteem, confidence, goes a very long way toward improving any sex life.

You can't motivate her unless she's really in the place to receive it. Motivation is just the beginning, it's not the thing that sustains a journey like this. Perseverance, regardless of your feelings, is what does. You have to do it when you feel motivated and do it when you don't. What you can do is try and be aware of the signs that she's slipping. I just looked at your last few pages and the signs were evident:

- She regained 5 pounds. Don't let anybody tell you that lie that muscle weighs more than fat (it doesn't, it's just denser), or that she was gaining 5 pounds of muscle while in a caloric deficit (you don't gain muscle mass in a deficit, you work out to maintain as much as possible). That's when the slippage started and that's when she should have been diligent to catch the beginning rebound.

- She's likely not perimenopausal. Even if she was that doesn't eliminate the rules of thermodynamics. She was rebounding because she's overeating. The majority of us who have had a weight problem and try to lose weight fail to do so, or do so and regain. No need to break your brain looking for things to blame other than a person back to their old habits of consuming more than they're burning off.

- Gluten free has nothing to do with calories. The potential caloric overload of pizza, lasagna and wings for dinner doesn't magically become less so because it's made without gluten. "Healthier", whatever that means, can be good for the body in other ways, but one can get fat off "healthy" foods too if they're taking in more calories than their body needs.

If she gets back in the ring to defeat this, and for both your sakes I so hope she does, make sure you're both aware of the tell tale signs of weight rebound. Most people regain because they start putting their head in the sand, ignoring all the signs, while slacking off of their diet and exercise.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug 

responses below yours 
sorry this is late

Yesterday I did all the chores for our place, inside and outside, so Mrs.CuddleBug has nothing to do on her days off work this week.

She asked me, should we get anything? I'm clothes shopping. I told her, go to Hansen's and pick up, and that I'll order now.

Judith: The thing important thing is to give her choices of what to respond to. She is needing to learn how to decide what is it she wants and you want. When a woman has issues from the past and isnt taught how to make decisions if you will. Anything can be a challenge to decide. The way to get her to decide what she wants. Etc Is to ask her a choice and then say
You let her learn the consequences of not being able to make a decision of what she wants. Let her learn the hard way and then she will be able to start give you and answer in what you need. It make take several times to do so. 

I ordered us gluten free pizza, two 20 orders of wings and chicken lasagna. Healthier and gluten free.

So she ate most of her wings and had some pizza. I finished 14 wings and put the 6 left over in a tuberware with her wings.

Today, she was out at a seminar on her day off work. She gets home and eats some more pizza and asks me, can I finish off all the wings? I said sure, go ahead. Then I noticed only a few pieces of pizza and I asked her, can i have them? She gets angry, its my pizza. I get mad back, I just let you eat all my wings and now I can't have any of your pizza? She said I paid for dinner. I told her would you like my chicken lasagna too then??? No comment......that's got me mad and now I'm upstairs and Mrs.CuddleBug is going to be alone tonight!!!

Judith: In essence this is not really healthy to respond this way. 
Some women take forever to decide if she wants all of them. Sometimes you just need to take one and say -I understand you said I could have some and leave it that. Dont own her anger. You need to let her have her anger. 
Say something like 
I am sorry you have issue with my have the rest of the pizza but the understanding was that I could have the pizza -next time be clear in what you want and so on. I would say that next time if you dont want to share dinner -then buy for you but we are in a marriage and we share and communication needs to be clear in why and who has who. It is more about ownership of things that she probably didnt have as a kid and it shows at odd times. 
The key is she needs to learn how to relate and communicate and work on sexual issues with sex will bring up nonsexual issues that need to be resolved. I realize things have been good sexually but anything can be a issue with a woman who is just starting the process of work on it in it. 
If I understand right you both have been in the positive side of it a year or almost a year.


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

hey how are things with the MRS. I hope she has gotten back into the gym. She was doing so well with her self esteem. I really hoped that she continued, she was so happy!
Are you being a loving and supportive husband? I'm sure you are!!

I'm hoping for the best with you too


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Thanks to the advertising industry, a lot of women imagine weight to be unsexy. I find my wife sexier after she's put on some weight...



CuddleBug said:


> It took my wife nearly 14 years of marriage to get it.
> 
> She admitted to me today, the main reason she has a low sex drive and doesn't want sex, is because of her size, making her insecure and not feel sexy. So all the e book reading and doing the MAPP, 180, etc. I've done didn't do much because she is insecure due to her size!!!
> 
> ...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It's been a while, so it's time for an update:


Mrs.CuddleBug has stopped going to the gym and has gained all her weight back.

Her sex drive is back to about 1x month.

It's always oral for me and immediately to doggy style and that's it.........

To "buy me off" so we don't have sex, she gets supper and desert on her way home as a surprise.

She is still a LD conservative vanilla woman.

She is 37 years old, so I don't know if this is the beginnings of menopause?


We get along fine, rarely fight and I always cuddle with her on the couch and give her passionate hugs to the point she is cuddled and hugged out. No more and gets annoyed.:grin2:


But I feel we are more friends and room mates that are close and have sex once a month. Like good friends with benefits.


My worry is when she hits menopause, will her sex drive disappear?

Will she gain even more weight and I won't even touch her anymore?


She is about 5 ft 9 and now 230 lbs. You get the picture.

I am 6 ft 2 inches at 215 to 220+ lbs, lean and very fit from my hardcore weight training days.


Don't know what to say or do but just see what happens.

We're married 16 years as of this month September.:smile2:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi Cuddlebug

responses below yours

It's been a while, so it's time for an update:

Mrs.CuddleBug has stopped going to the gym and has gained all her weight back.

Her sex drive is back to about 1x month.

It's always oral for me and immediately to doggy style and that's it.........

Judith: I am sorry that she has done this. There is usually a medical , or emotional reason etc. for it. Usually weight half to most of the time involve a woman emotional frame of reference. 

To "buy me off" so we don't have sex, she gets supper and desert on her way home as a surprise.
She is still a LD conservative vanilla woman.
She is 37 years old, so I don't know if this is the beginnings of menopause?

Judith: Yes she can start menopause early. My aunt had it that early. 

We get along fine, rarely fight and I always cuddle with her on the couch and give her passionate hugs to the point she is cuddled and hugged out. No more and gets annoyed.
But I feel we are more friends and room mates that are close and have sex once a month. Like good friends with benefits.

Judith; That is her problem. She has emotional struggles and that is contribute to her feeling as she does. even about sex. She has to emotionally get there for sex before she has sex. literally. she doesnt understand that you need sex and how it benefit her too. Given her background. 

I know a couple from online who his wife has had emotional and medical issues and still had regular sex. Also IT can happen more than once a month. Dont stop the nonsexual touch. The key is accountability. See if you can get her to buy an exercise thing at home-

My worry is when she hits menopause, will her sex drive disappear?

Judith; No it wont. She can still have sex and it does help her to have it even after the fact. 

Will she gain even more weight and I won't even touch her anymore?

JUdith: It is a possibility . She has touch issues, sexual issues with sex, etc. that plays into her body image of herself. As well as she has body image issues which is a part of the sexual stuff. 
The thing you can do is let her know that you will separate from her to show her that you mean business about the sex stuff. I hate divorce and will fight to save a marriage but i fail someone by not support the choice in div. 
but the goal is separation as a wake up call. 
She will always want touch but when is the question and women see touch and sex separate usually. She can want touch even sexual touch and not be turn on for sex. So. She still has issues. regarding something. or she wouldnt have done that. Usually a weight issue involves her view of herself and some sexual thing maybe that cause her pain that she uses weight to push teh guy away for no sex. 
The thing to do is ask her if her gain weight is her "fear" of sex being a factor in keep you away from sex. etc. 


She is about 5 ft 9 and now 230 lbs. You get the picture.

I am 6 ft 2 inches at 215 to 220+ lbs, lean and very fit from my hardcore weight training days.


Don't know what to say or do but just see what happens.

Judith: Yes you can do something. Inform her counseling is in order and see a sex therapist.
You need to ask her questions and find out what is going on in her brain as to why she stopped. 

We're married 16 years as of this month September.

Judith: I know this may not mean much but Happy Anniversary


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug



Things are okay. We are talking and her period just started today. Not saying that's the main reason but I'm sure it plays a big role. We aren't fighting so that's good but I am doing my own thing now. I've been catching up with a good friend of mine I haven't seen in many years and he lives 10 minutes away. Going for walks with him, catching up and helped fix his laptop for his gf. Basically, I'm upstairs and Mrs.CuddleBug is downstairs doing our own thing.

Judith: YOu do both of you need to have your own interests as well as have things in common to do. And she will not understand that by have her next to your side while you doing things is recreational companionship. That that is important to you too. 

Also insecurity again like the other person said plays into this too. insecurity into her weight and body image issues that plays into sex. She is use first off weight to help her feel good about herself or not. It is also use as a self protection thing for a woman against men sex included. 
The thing you can help her with with insecurity is to say three things to herself in relationship to others. 
I am ok and be ok. 
I am ok no matter what others say or do
I am ok no matter what he or she thinks about me. 

The more she practices with you about those they become second nature with her and help her with her emotions and behavior. 


I won't take it so hard, okay.

Agreed Mrs.CuddleBug has to make eating healthy and exercise a permanent lifestyle change and not just for a while and almost stop.

Judith; Agree. The thing you need to find out is why she is use weight to keep her from have sex. It is an emotional thing. 

It's like you have to light a fire under Mrs.CuddleBug's butt to get her motivated.

Judith: With women you do because they are biologically wired to be receivers and and need to see where they have control but they also need to see you being a leader too. 
You need to push her my friend Julie told me her husband push her not me. You push her before you can push her again. She more than likely needs accountability where it is to be check on more than once a week.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

With Mrs.CuddleBug, its her being extremely insecure about her size.

Her solution was not to deal with it, cover herself up and not want sex much if it all, if she had her way.

She has to want to break her vicious circle of not taking care of herself and getting upset.

Nothing to do with me.

It's her body, her responsibility and only she can do something about it.

Fate is what you make.

Nothing happens unless you do something about it.

There is nothing stopping Mrs.CuddleBug to get a gym pass, female trainer, eat better with proper calorie amounts, meet new friends and start getting in shape. She has the money, her own car and we have no kids yet.

I guess some people are just lazy and would rather do nothing and talk about it more. Those type of people......actually, my friend I did the laptop computer job for is the same as Mrs.CuddleBug. He too is big, always talks about getting in shape but never does anything about it. Similar personalities.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI cuddlebug


responses below yours

With Mrs.CuddleBug, its her being extremely insecure about her size.
Her solution was not to deal with it, cover herself up and not want sex much if it all, if she had her way.

She has to want to break her vicious circle of not taking care of herself and getting upset.

Judith: I agree on the insecurity. yep on your second sentence. 
I agree she has to want to break it but the question is how important is sex to you to want her involvement in sex. As well as more than just doggy etc. I agree on the last sentence above but. 

Nothing to do with me.

JuditH: I agree it is nothing to do with you except that sex is important and you both need it for both of you or since you and she can do more than once a week-she -for both of you to have what you need so it is not roommate thing. 
The only thing you do is touch her and make it happen because your action oriented women usually are not. We women sit and talk. Men do. That is why the usually build buildings. 


It's her body, her responsibility and only she can do something about it.
Fate if what you make.
Nothing happens unless you do something about it.

Judith: I agree that it is her responsibility and fake it until you make it and nothing happens unless one does something but again women are usually sit and talk not doing like men do. Men do. 

There is nothing stopping Mrs.CuddleBug to get a gym pass, female trainer, eat better with proper calorie amounts, meet new friends and start getting in shape. She has the money, her own car and we have no kids yet.

Judith: I agree but women need a push. Women sit and talk men do. Men are action oriented and build buildings. 

I guess some people are just lazy and would rather do nothing and talk about it more. Those type of people......

Judith; Women talk we dont ordinarily do. We only do when we usually have to do it like work or kids. Kids are not a half to but my point is... 
She may feel that due to her work that have sex is not that important but some fo that shows that her parents didnt teach her about sex and how they acted nonsexuallty with each other etc. But I am only ask you to talk to her about it to find out why she went back to her current former self and not work on it becuase then you will find out the answer as to why she gave in etc.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

My question: no kids, so why are you still with her?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Because Mrs.CuddleBug is a kind, caring, loving, smart, faithful, generous, good woman.

Its our sexual incompatibility that's always been the issue, which makes other issues much worse than they really are....

If there was a supplement or drug that she could take to get her sex drive up to normal healthy adventurous levels, I would of bought it already.:grin2:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

New FDA approved drug to raise women's sex drives....out October.

FDA Approves Addyi, First Drug to Boost Women?s Sex Drive

Looks like I'm going shopping.:laugh::grin2::smile2:


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug

There is a thing call Women Sense
Sex Essentials that you can buy at health food store. And other stuff. 

IT is a white bottle with a purple or pink color

It works. Women have used it and ti works. IT is similar to Viagra

She can take also Iron and metabolism dietary supplements and the work too that help with energy etc. 

Judith:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thx for the tips. I'm going shopping.:grin2:


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> It's been a while, so it's time for an update:
> 
> 
> Mrs.CuddleBug has stopped going to the gym and has gained all her weight back.
> ...


CB, 

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Wife was overweight (not as much as yours, but she was heavy). Decided that she didn't like that, so started a weight loss program and started going to an exercise class. A year later, down 50 lbs and everyone commenting on how good she looks (didn't improve her sex drive, but she did look good). A few years later, weight is back on, and she's always complaining about how heavy she is. Always too tired to go out to exercise (staying up to play on the computer will do that). She's been saying that she's going to start watching her food intake and exercising, and will do that for a couple days then will stop. 

As you said, you can't make them want to do it. She has to want to lose the weight more than she wants to sit on her duff and eat a fatty snack.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> CB,
> 
> Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Wife was overweight (not as much as yours, but she was heavy). Decided that she didn't like that, so started a weight loss program and started going to an exercise class. A year later, down 50 lbs and everyone commenting on how good she looks (didn't improve her sex drive, but she did look good). A few years later, weight is back on, and she's always complaining about how heavy she is. Always too tired to go out to exercise (staying up to play on the computer will do that). She's been saying that she's going to start watching her food intake and exercising, and will do that for a couple days then will stop.
> 
> As you said, you can't make them want to do it. She has to want to lose the weight more than she wants to sit on her duff and eat a fatty snack.


Sounds like we married each others wives. heh heh:grin2:


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Hi Cuddlebug, it's been a while! life has a funny way of flipping things on its ear. I went through a real hard time in my life where I had a thyroid tumor that made me gain a lot of weight over many years, destroyed my libido, and energy level, then when they finally found the tumor and took it out I lost all the weight and HD came back!!!! Yay!!!!! But like life does, as we got older hubby had health issues that required meds that destroyed his metabolism, killed his libido and his energy level plummeted. Ain't that just the way life goes! Always remember, you never know when you might be the one life is gonna through a curve ball at next. Enjoy the good times to the fullest, weather the bad and strive to keep improving and growing together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow. This thread started out so happy and positive.

It's a shame Mrs. Cuddle bug has given up on her health, fitness and weight loss.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Sounds like we married each others wives. heh heh:grin2:


No kidding - funny how they have energy to play computer games, but picking up after yourself or exercise, let alone sex? Nope, too tired.

My favorite was the wife telling a friend that came over that she never has time to pick up the house (note that she's home a couple of hours before me and picks up the kids from the sitter). She could easily pick up after she gets home and before she picks up the kids, or could even do so after the kids are home (I've done this, the kids just go play upstairs), but every day when I get home she's on her duff on the iPad while the kids are either watching TV or playing. Meanwhile, the dishes pile up in the sink until the next morning when I decide to empty the dishwasher and put the dirty dishes in there. 

She can go out to exercise when I get home, but nope - too tired.


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