# Trouble in paradise....



## ThatGuy23 (Jun 19, 2011)

Hey everyone,

I'm the new guy on the block around here, and I apologize if this is longer than appropriate. I would sincerely appreciate any feedback, as I'm not sure if this post belongs in the "financial" section or in this one, but I'm pretty its both. Some background: 

I've been with my wife for 11 years, college sweethearts, and we were married in May. We took the time to complete our advanced degrees prior to getting married, and I think our relationship suffered through 6 years of long-distance nonsense. Our brief marriage has been marked by periods of instability, volatility, and very short-lived affection. 

Having lived with her for 6 months now, I am beginning to understand that we are VERY different people, which I thought I was equipped to deal with. I can be insistent, intense, demanding, and downright brooding...while she is frequently passive aggressive but indecisive and very insecure both physically and emotionally. I have made major lifestyle adjustments after moving in with her but, of course, the changes have been completely on MY side. Nothing in return. 

In January, I took a position and left school before prior to finishing so we could live together and begin planning our wedding. The job started off well enough, but has quickly devolved into a disaster....I'm paid half of what the market dictates for someone in my position, and I rarely, if ever, get to use the skills and training I acquired through school over the past decade. I have almost no fulfillment at home, or at work, and my depression is becoming extreme. 

Last week I interviewed (with my wife's consent, of course) for a position 200 miles away that would allow for a much broader application of my skills and would, maybe most importantly, pay me what I am worth. When I told my wife of the excellent interview I had her reaction was muted, at best. I would say fear and resigned shock were the two expressions most clear on her face when I told her that the company wanted me to come for a paid site visit and personal visit. She has a good job here, but loves the people she works with (whom she considers her "family") more than the actual work. She doesn't want to move and is not actively looking for a position in the new area that I may be moving to. 

My wife is set on staying here and looking for a job while I potentially begin a new one three hours away. I have repeatedly said that I WILL NOT experience another long-distance relationship period with her, especially a long-distance marriage. When I took vows with her, I expected a commitment to be there for BOTH of us. Am I wrong to expect her to move with me?? 

I appreciate your insight and feedback-I may be searching wrong, but there is very little discussion of this kind of problem online. Thank you


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I think this one is fairly simple. You have to make a decision. Whether to move or to stay there. If you must move for this new job, then you basically end the marriage. The only alternative I can see is if you find a job closer to home that will pay you what you are worth. The question becomes how long will that take you? Can you put up with the way things are for another 6 months, another year, so you can find a job locally that will be fulfilling to you? If so, then maybe your marriage will improve once you have that job close by. 

Good luck. There are no easy answers in this one, unfortunately.


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## ThatGuy23 (Jun 19, 2011)

Thank you, but you begin by saying that its simple and end by saying that there are no easy answers. So I'm a little confused, I guess.

I work in a niche field where the impact of the recession has been felt for over 4 years on the job market, so opportunities like this one are extremely rare. There is almost zero chance of finding a position closer locally. 

From my perspective, the primary problem is that this woman whom I've pledged my life to refuses to make the same sacrifice for me and for US that I made just six months ago. I just cant believe it....how could someone tell me they love me and yet be so hard headed, stubborn, and cold??


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

The answer *is* easy, just look at the issue logically. As stated earlier you have only two choices. Go, and deal with a long-distance marriage. Stay with your wife, and find a job where you currently are. Those are your only options. You have to look at the entire issue and consider everything, not just the fact that you moved the last time so she should move this time.

Should she follow you? Yeah, if you're going to be the bread-winner, AND if the job is stable, AND if you can convince her that this job is not going to turn out like your current one.

You have to keep in mind that (according to your own words) she has a good job and enjoys the people she works with. You are asking her to leave all that and start over again risking all of it. I don't think your leaving school equates to what you are asking her to leave. That doesn't mean she shouldn't follow you now, just that I think there are better reasons you can come up with to justify her doing it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

ThatGuy23 said:


> I can be insistent, intense, demanding, and downright brooding...


Hmm, the traits listed above are less than admirable. What do you consider your good qualities? Are you a leader? Can you lead a family discussion with your wife, sit down and discuss this together rationally to come up with a workable solution? You can consider the basic options and the pros/cons of each: 1) stay where you both are, 2) you both move to new job location, 3) you move to new location and she stay at old location.

Marriage is compromise. What are you both willing to compromise on?


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## ThatGuy23 (Jun 19, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hmm, the traits listed above are less than admirable. What do you consider your good qualities? Are you a leader? Can you lead a family discussion with your wife, sit down and discuss this together rationally to come up with a workable solution? You can consider the basic options and the pros/cons of each: 1) stay where you both are, 2) you both move to new job location, 3) you move to new location and she stay at old location.
> 
> Marriage is compromise. What are you both willing to compromise on?


Thank you for your response. I know the traits I have within me can be dark and less than admirable. However, those traits come out when I am in a defensive, reactive mode. No excuse, but there is a catalyst beyond myself. 

Just for the purposes of transparency, the new job would pay me two times what I currently make and is much, much more stable than my current position both in terms of its tenure and the people I would work with. 

I am definitely THE leader in our relationship: I make nearly all the decisions, including ones as simple as what will be cooked for dinner. We've had many mutual discussions about this job situation and she reaches the same conclusion nearly every time..."it makes NO SENSE for me to move when I dont have a job there already" or "there is NO POINT in moving when I dont have a job". All selfishly defined concepts of life. My wife is so selfishly and individually defined that she often goes to the grocery store and buys food merely for herself, to eat at work, etc., while our household items diminish. Her perspective on moving with me is, to me, a reflection or manifestation of how individually she views life in general. 

How could this woman who a month ago said she would stand by me forever, take such a stand and refuse to be with me on the next chapter of my professional life?? I'm also definitely the less hard-headed and stubborn of us both, but I am not willing to compromise going on another LDR term, especially when she is not even looking for jobs in the new locale. 

I just cant get away from what seems like a fact to me-she is more devoted to her work, her life, and herself here than she is to our marriage moving forward in a different location. What a bummer.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You basically painted yourself into a corner. The declaration of not being willing to be long distance and her unwillingness to move forces YOU to choose between your marriage and this position. But then you want to blame her. You also keep score, thinking that if you do x she should do y. Doesn't work that way.

Also, how in 11 years can her personality be a surprise to you? And didn't you have the choice between leaving school and putting off getting married? 

The question I have for you is, is she happy and you miserable? If so, is that really her fault? .you don't seem to like her much. I'm sure that doesn't endearing you to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThatGuy23 (Jun 19, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> You basically painted yourself into a corner. The declaration of not being willing to be long distance and her unwillingness to move forces YOU to choose between your marriage and this position. But then you want to blame her. You also keep score, thinking that if you do x she should do y. Doesn't work that way.
> 
> Also, how in 11 years can her personality be a surprise to you? And didn't you have the choice between leaving school and putting off getting married?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. If me looking for and finding a new job with the possibility of relocation is painting myself into a corner, then I guess that's an outcome I have to deal with. I know I'm wrong to keep score but I think that is a reaction to her "there is no point in doing this" approach and attitude. 

We've been together for 11 years but only started living together in January. There have been eye-opening times for both of us....many things about her every day personality have been a shock to me, things I couldn't have possibly been aware of previously having never lived with her before. 

I know she is very happy with her work and personal life, primarily because she is surrounded by a support network of coworkers (she calls "family") every single day, whereas I am miserable at my current job and surrounded by either nobody or people who are confrontational and adversarial every day. I would never fault her for being happy, and I love her very much...I just dont understand how someone could be so self-centered that they would get married then refuse to actually BE married in terms of committing to create a shared life with their partner. 

My depression, anger, sadness about my job and lack of friends (and my Mom, who is fighting an uphill battle with disease a thousand miles away from here) is creating a serious wedge of resentment between us. I am sure that it is also dividing us personally and emotionally, and is clearly not endearing her to me.

My question to you would be: what about me and how her behavior and approach to this situation is not very endearing to ME? Why does the woman always get first chance at playing the victim or the aggrieved?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

So she is generally happy. And you are generally unhappy due to work. Why are you not able to leave the office behind and just be happy to "be with her"? 

How is the sexual part of your marriage?




ThatGuy23 said:


> Thanks for your response. If me looking for and finding a new job with the possibility of relocation is painting myself into a corner, then I guess that's an outcome I have to deal with. I know I'm wrong to keep score but I think that is a reaction to her "there is no point in doing this" approach and attitude.
> 
> We've been together for 11 years but only started living together in January. There have been eye-opening times for both of us....many things about her every day personality have been a shock to me, things I couldn't have possibly been aware of previously having never lived with her before.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We moved 700 miles for my job years ago. This was openly discussed at great length and a mutual decision. The kids were pretty young and only the oldest expressed any objection which he got over......Until we got here. Then apparently I put a gun to her head and forced into this life of slavery. This the worst place in the world filled with the worst people in the world and it's the biggest mistake ever, and everything that ever gone wrong is because we live here....which I did alone. 

Some people are just going to blow you up after the fact, no matter what. Either they're lying to you when they say 'yes' or they're just looking an excuse to pick a fight now. 

And the thing is, I can work pretty much anywhere now that has phone service and internet and FedEx. So she's got a standing offer to sell the house and buy whatever wherever whenever she likes for any affordable price. She won't do that because a) that would involve taking responsibility, b) that would involve work, and c) that would deprive her of the main source of her miserable discontent. 

I've got to tell you that at this point in my life, I'm done dancing around and compromising. Done. I am doing what I'm doing and she can follow or help or STFU. A career, like it or not is supposed to be the for long run, for everyone's benefit. So if my wife or yours feels that you should forgo your options then by all means dearie, punch up a CV and do your part.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Gotta say, you are jealous of her. You keep score. You aren't happy with what you have. Ungrateful in a way.

I still don't understand how you dated for 11 years but failed to notice her personality. Presumably in 11 years you would have spent adequate time together to see her in a variety of situations. But you claim no knowledge.

To me, you are the one with the problem. She didn't create it. You chose your path and you hold her responsible for it. So you had no free will or what?

You don't have any guarantee of happiness in your move and if I were her, seeing your feelings and blame, I would be extremely reluctant to move too. You don't have friends? Why not? Did she forbid you from them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Here's the main problem. You want her to quit a job that's STABLE (and she's happy with) while you try out a new job. You don't even know if the job is yours to keep yet.

On top of that, your relationship is NOT that stable!

What if she agrees to the move and you didn't make the grade, hate the job, fired or laid off? Then what? Are you going to ask her to move again?

I think before I would ask her to move, I would go ahead and accept the job and do the long distance relationship, UNTIL you've become stable enough on the job.

Once you have ESTABLISHED yourself and making good enough money to support both, then I would suggest the move.

GRASS is NOT always greener on the other side.


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## ThatGuy23 (Jun 19, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> So she is generally happy. And you are generally unhappy due to work. Why are you not able to leave the office behind and just be happy to "be with her"?
> 
> How is the sexual part of your marriage?


When we are fighting or in perpetual disagreement about this situation, the sexual part of our marriage is nonexistent.


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## ThatGuy23 (Jun 19, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> Here's the main problem. You want her to quit a job that's STABLE (and she's happy with) while you try out a new job. You don't even know if the job is yours to keep yet.
> 
> On top of that, your relationship is NOT that stable!
> 
> ...


Thank you-I appreciate this insightful response. This is new ground for both of us so I think I need to examine both perspectives involved more carefully.


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## ThatGuy23 (Jun 19, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> *Gotta say, you are jealous of her. You keep score. You aren't happy with what you have. Ungrateful in a way.*
> 
> I still don't understand how you dated for 11 years but failed to notice her personality. Presumably in 11 years you would have spent adequate time together to see her in a variety of situations. But you claim no knowledge.
> 
> ...


Of course I'm jealous of her...she has everything she wants here....a job that pays her fairly, friends/family, a support network (in addition to ME, which she hounded me for years about not being by her side). I have a job and her. That's it. No time for friends or outside relationships because I work 10 hours a day to earn a living wage at a job I dislike. So yeah, I am jealous. 


Ungrateful? Hardly. I've worked damned hard to build my career, sacrificed a lot (just like everyone else in my position) to get where I am, and every day I am grateful to be able to earn a living. But on the other hand, I worked my ass off to be able to earn that living...and having expectations for myself and my world that I have worked to create means that I shouldn't settle. And I wont. 

And I do keep score, for better or for worse....isn't that human nature, especially when one person is outscoring the other tenfold, and the winner doesn't seem to even notice?? Furthermore, the winner wont allow me to gain any ground because of her insistence on pursuing her own selfish goals. 

I dont expect or anticipate that I'll be instantaneously happy in my new position but it could potentially enhance my own fulfillment. If she is so reluctant to move, then why did she sign on for the big commitment at the altar??


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