# Wow, I had no idea what real pain is



## jeffn23 (Feb 8, 2013)

I'm a scrambled egg right now so apologies for stream of consciousness typing....

10 days ago like a switch had been thrown Wife of 13 years calmy tells me she wants a seperation and her mind cannot be changed. We have been financially stressed for the last two years, I had a very successful trading business that failed in 2009 and I lapsed into a deep depression, medicated but no therapy. Have been looking for workfor over a year but have had no luck so I am trying to start a business from hom ethat has not made much money to date but is showing potential. She has been supporting us and we have been trying to sell house to free up equity but prices still dropping at the high end and in feb we had to decide to stop throwing good money after
bad and default. We discussed options, figured we could live 2 years rent free while the process wound out, bank as much as possible and rent after. I took everything out of her name (note, cc's, utility all but one auto) so that my credit would take the hit and we would have hers to fall back on. We also have two little girls 7 and 9 who know that we have to move at some point and have been unhappy about that. To say we have been stressed for two yrs is an understatement but we were dealing, still communicatiing, great sex life etc. fully beileived we had a plan in place and would eventually come out ok. Since I work from home and am bringing in so little I do l am the house mom, I do all the shopping, all the cleaning, laundry pool, reparis dishes, make breakfast and lunched for kids take them to school and pick them up, basically everything. I have gotten very little recognition for any of this and have some resentment about it. We have been in therapy but she is holding back somewhat.
Despite all this I assume everything between us is still good. How wrong I was. 
When she announces separation she basically launches in to a laundry list of slights and failures dataing back over 2 years, effectibely blaming me for everything, biz failure, housing crash, no jods, all my fault and noone else. Tells me she resents me for putting here through this and says that I clearly dont want to support her and kids and its the best thing for her and them to get the hell out. Ill be takign half the cash, the house and bills are your problem. Absolutely flabergasted. I beg, plead, cry, right letters, appeal to the welfare of the children, nothing. I ask what the trigger is, she says she's tired of worrying about me and, this is the best part, that she does not like the person she is around me. Mind you, I have been running household for 1.5 years while she dives into work, on phone, texting until 11am etc. I ask is there anyone else, says no, no way. We go to therapy, she is unwavering, I ask again is there anyone else? No, not a chance, I agree to seperation sayign you know how I feel, I still love you, askiing to please work on your issues and no dating, she agrees.
Thats round one of pain.
The more I think about it and talk to friends about it, the abruptness makes not sense, digging ensues and sure enough I uncover massive phone logs of calls to her new boss. Then the bombshell, a friend of hers who respect me alot says look at this, shows me her phone, says my wife has been callign and texting this guy from her phone for 2 weeks. Holy ****.
Armed with the evidence I confront her, she denies denies denies for 45 minutes while i hammer away, calls me paranoid, then i drop the other phone bombshell. Finally she admits it. She has been hooking up with her boss for 3-4 weeks, claims no sex just kissing and whatever. Gets ANGRY, says so what, I kissed another man, if our relationship was happier it wouldnt have happen, tries to accuse me of infiedlity also (not true). I just stare, you just kissed a man no big deal? You are the head of HR and he is a COO direct report are you ****ign kidding me?
She grabs a bag ans storms out to a hotel. I text her boss that I know and I will ruin him. I also have his wifes cell but feel like thats my ace in the hole right now and have not used it. I told W either you tell the ceo of your co or i will, she says will tell. Its a small family company so nothing will happen to her and she knows it.
She gets back late this am, tells me she found an apartment and will be out in 2 days, time to tell the kids. Kids dont take it well but she tells them its like a timeout and we will work on getting back together.
I corner her in my office, say your not even goign to apologize? Dead eyes, I'm sorry. Thats it???!?!?!?!? Yes, I need time to figure this out, my feeligns are all mixed up.
Right now she is out with my kids shopping for bunkbeds and I am puking bile. Who is this person, what the **** happened to my wife. How do women just turn of emotions like that and why will they not ever take any responsiblity. She keeps repeating that this is my fault, I should have seen it coming.
Please I need feedback, I read about the 180 but dont know if im strong enough for that yet.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Don't let her take the kids with her. If you have been their caregiver for a year and a half it need to stay that way. 

Read this it is your new guide on life The Healing Heart: The 180

Sorry you are here. Your story is oh so similar to many here. Your wife is no longer the woman you married. She is in the affair fog and cannot be reasoned with. Rely on the stories of others here on TAM to help you. End the begging and pleading.

Expose the affair to everyone. Her family, work, friends, etc...

And don't make any decisions about you twos future. You will not be able to think rationally while going thru the grieving process.

If possible, velcro a VAR under the seat of her car for gathering evidence.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Okay, your name is Jeff, right?

First thing Jeff you got to do is try to calm down, as hard as that sounds. Nourish yourself with whatever goes down. You will start to plummet in pounds probably. I lost 15lbs in two weeks upon D-Day - not uncommon. 

It may be that they are both planning to leave their spouses, but maybe not. They are clearly in an EA and PA (full on sex and multiple times, guaranteed) and fogged to the stratosphere. 

Time to take action: You need to blow this thing out of the water! I mean, take it to pieces, brother. She's the HR person so you'll have to find another way. Listen, you think nothing will happen to her? Think again. You need to expose this to the all the higher ups in the company and of course to the COO's wife. Ace in the sleeve? Play it now, immediately. There's no need to blackmail the OM to backing off. Fack him. His wife deserves to know, don't you think?

Your wife and OM may have to lose their jobs. Better that than you lose your marriage. Comprende?

They are exposure letters for workplace all over the net.


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## jeffn23 (Feb 8, 2013)

Thanks for the replies, I will read around. It is sad that so many people have to experience this, really sad. Weight? Hah, it's day 10 and i've lost 22 lbs. 220-198 without cutting something off.
She is downplaying the whole thing hard, says only happened 2x, only kissing etc. it's no big deal. How do I believe her? She denied it for weeks, now she's going to come fully clean? Obviously it would be much easier to forgive and move forward if it was somehting that minor and much less so, at least for me, if she's been banging the guy in parking lots.
I have to tread carefully with the work thing because although i would love to see this guy dipped in acid if she gets canned we're all in trouble as we would have minimal income and savings. 
What hurts the most is how unrepentant she is and continues to blameshift every ****ty action she takes back onto to me.
My jaw was hanging as she claimed I had been cheating also (which is untrue) as if it made it ok.
Kids just got back from buying a bunkbed and seeing her new apartment, they are all excited b/c it has a pool, gameroom and movie theatre. Hearing my 7 year old go on about how cool it is made me want to curl up and die.
How do people heal from pain like this, i still love her dearly but can't believe someone would hurt me so bad and paint me as a horrible guy in the process. What is the thought process.
Then i take a few deep breaths and the rambo side of me wants to go full scortched earth on this *****, file for D tomorrow and petition for full custody while forcing her to pay me palimony and child support. I hate her for making me into both of these people.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

jeffn23 said:


> Thanks for the replies, I will read around. It is sad that so many people have to experience this, really sad. Weight? Hah, it's day 10 and i've lost 22 lbs. 220-198 without cutting something off.
> 
> 
> Yep I went from 6'2" 205 lbs to 180 lbs in 3 weeks.
> ...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Jeff,
Follow the advise advise above.
Expose, file, everything.
Do the 180. 
Only taking action can save this, do not beg or look weak in any way.

You need to be an attractive man right now, work out, work on yourself to be the kind of man who can attract a woman, not for her sake but for yours.

Read the Newbie thread in the coping with infidekity section, and get the book a married mans sex life, it not a sex manual its abiut staying attractive to your spouse, we recomend it here all the time.

Listen, even tell her, she is not throwing away her husband, family, marriage, for some guy she kissed, she is having sex with him, she is now bonded and addicted to him, and will do anything to keep him.
Tell her "so please stop looking me in the eyes and lying to me, it hurts as much as the thought of you cheating, I dont want to hear the lying denyals". This will piss her off, she still thinks of herself as a good perdon who wsnts to spare you pain and justs wants her time with her lover.

Many wayward Spouses dont think it all out, they just live for the moment.

On thing I see repeated by watward wives is that it did not hit them, the pain they caused until they saw the hurt in there husbands eyes, this is very powerful.

Dont cry and beg, but let it show in your eyes, this is not weak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

She has to believe it to sleep at night. Most advice is to expose and detach. I havent had to deal with cheating but that is what she is. A cheat. regardless of your faults she chose to step outside the bounds of your marriage. She wants out let her deal with her won ****. Let her OM deal with her ****. Chances are he wants none of it.

Let her go but keep the kids in the family home if you possibly can. I see no reason for them to move out. Seek legal advice if she will fight that.

Then you need to have an honest appraisal of yourself. forget her (yeah dead easy that bit...) as best you can and focus on you and your kids. What do you see that YOU (not her) would like to be better? What is the ultimate version of you. I am not talking about becoming someone else just the best you possible. Then think what you need to do to achieve those changes. Then get working on it.

I know all about depression being a *****. My depression drove my wife away and int hat sense is very similar to tyour situation. I knew I was needing to do a hell of a lot of work to get the matrriage back to where it once was but had no idea it was so far past that for my wife. Seperation was out of the blue for me. Slowly clawing my way out of depression I see so much I should have done differently.. My wife was strong enough to resist the temptation to cheat , like you I dug but the evidence pointed to no EA or PA but she had started to imagine life after me! She was desperately unhappy. I see faults of hers now (where i used to idolise her) but have accepted and owned my failings and have been working very hard on them.

There is hope for you and your kids. Whatever failings you list, you arent the cheat or the betrayer here and you did not deserve that. No matter what she thinks while she is deluding herself.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

jeffn23 said:


> Thanks for the replies, I will read around. It is sad that so many people have to experience this, really sad. Weight? Hah, it's day 10 and i've lost 22 lbs. 220-198 without cutting something off.
> She is downplaying the whole thing hard, says only happened 2x, only kissing etc. it's no big deal. How do I believe her? She denied it for weeks, now she's going to come fully clean? Obviously it would be much easier to forgive and move forward if it was somehting that minor and much less so, at least for me, if she's been banging the guy in parking lots.
> I have to tread carefully with the work thing because although i would love to see this guy dipped in acid if she gets canned we're all in trouble as we would have minimal income and savings.
> What hurts the most is how unrepentant she is and continues to blameshift every ****ty action she takes back onto to me.
> ...


She's been shagging this dude for months.

See an attorney and file pronto.

I'm not kidding.

Than expose far and wide.

All in a calm and dispassionate manner.

You cannot nice her out of this.

I and many others here have lived this.

Sorry you are here, brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeffn23 (Feb 8, 2013)

I hear you guys and appreciate the support, I really do. For the first time in weeks I feel like someone somewhere has my back.

At this point she is still saying she doesnt want a D and just needs space to figure things out. Remember, she is claiming the collapse of my biz and loss of income has made me miserable and she's tired of dealing with it after two years. The cheating was at the tail end and just a consequence.
Jesus ****ing christ that sounds so ridiculous when I put it on paper. I supported this family for 10 years and she had to do it for 2 and cant handle it. WTF.
I feel the anger coming on and I worry for my children. I'm a real stoic dude but when crossed I have been known to stomp people out both in business and real life. I have always reserved that special anger as defense for my family, it feels so alien to turn it inwards. Once it starts I wont be able to stop it.

The only only thing that is holding me back is the stupid goddamn love I still feel for this woman and the memory of how great we are as a family. We have been together 15 years and until recently I considered myself one of the luckiest men on earth as we have watched relationships collapse around us and joked how it could never happen to us. 

I believe in Karma and think god only gives us what he knows we can handle but I'm certainly wondering what I did in this life or another to deserve this.

I read somewhere that it takes 4 years to get over something like this, that is hard to wrap my head around.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

jeffn23 said:


> I hear you guys and appreciate the support, I really do. For the first time in weeks I feel like someone somewhere has my back.
> 
> At this point she is still saying she doesnt want a D and just needs space to figure things out. Remember, she is claiming the collapse of my biz and loss of income has made me miserable and she's tired of dealing with it after two years. The cheating was at the tail end and just a consequence.
> Jesus ****ing christ that sounds so ridiculous when I put it on paper. I supported this family for 10 years and she had to do it for 2 and cant handle it. WTF.
> ...


So you are positioning yourself as her plan B then?

"I need space to figure things out"

Translation: "I'd like to explore the possibity of a new relationship with posOM without the inconvience of having my husband in the picture.

Strap in brother. She is going to try to have her cake and it too.

Under no circumstances are you to pursue her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

jeffn23 said:


> I hear you guys and appreciate the support, I really do. For the first time in weeks I feel like someone somewhere has my back.
> 
> At this point she is still saying she doesnt want a D and just needs space to figure things out.
> 
> ...


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Ultimately, you eventually decide how long its going to take. People heal at different paces. It's a process and accepting that is step #1. 

Deal with this with dignity and relearn how to value yourself accordingly. Like the others have mentioned, don't show any weakness in front of this woman - she'll find ways to exploit them and keep you from finding your self-worth.

She doesn't want you to be happy - at least not till she is able to find it first. Beat her to the punch.

She's looking for it in others - while you MUST find it within yourself. You can guess which one is more sustainable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeffn23 (Feb 8, 2013)

spun said:


> So you are positioning yourself as her plan B then?
> 
> "I need space to figure things out"
> 
> ...


No I have no intention of pursuing, trust me. I am just hesitant to nuke it if there is a chance of R. We are seeing a therapist weekly and as of last fri there looked to be glimmers of hope and progress. Then this **** dropped over the weekend. Next fri should be interesting, assuming she shows.

The other issue is my oldest (9) knows what divorce is and we had to explain the difference btw separation and D to her, she understood and made both of us promise to work on staying a family and the W passionately agreed. I don't want to hurt my daughter by being painted as the guy that wouldnt try to save the family.
God what a tightrope.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Gut punch is spot on.

You struggled with depression. 

You wife on the other hand, used it as an excuse to sleep with another man.

Her stepping outside your marriage is her problem not yours.

Filing places the blame squarely where it belongs right now...on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Jeffn - 

Listen to the advice. We have been through it.

She is following the same cheater script they all follow. To a tee.

She accuses you of an affair because she is projecting.

Why do you think cheaters always want a "separation" and don't insist on divorce?

She wants you as plan B.

She is lying about not screwing this guy and lying about the length of time.

Everything going through your head right now is wrong.

The right thing to do is the opposite of what you are thinking.

You can take the advice now or regret it months from now. Almost everyone chooses the latter and kicks themselves because they think their situation is different. It's not.

Expose the whole thing now. If you don't you have no chance of saving your marriage. Fvck the money.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Jeff,

BTW I have WW living in an apartment. I have a 3 year old daughter and a six year old son living with me. I see the pain. I know the pain. I live the pain. Now you do too. You can only shield them so much. She cheated ... therefore the consequences are to "work on the marriage" Give me a break. No...You need bring the hammer down with the mighty fist of THOR!


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

jeffn23 said:


> The only only thing that is holding me back is the stupid goddamn love I still feel for this woman and the memory of how great we are as a family. We have been together 15 years and until recently I considered myself one of the luckiest men on earth as we have watched relationships collapse around us and joked how it could never happen to us.


I'm going to explain this in another way and hope its more clear..

Of the hundreds of posts I have seen on TAM EXACTLY like yours...including my own.

NOT ONE turned out well when the betrayed spouse had your attitude.

THE ONLY ones I have ever seen turned around are when you sack up.. kick her to the curb...expose everything...go no contact and work on yourself.

That's the only way. Please Jeffn...for your family sake don't think your situation is different.

btw- I've lost 45lbs since D day 1 year ago.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

coachman said:


> I'm going to explain this in another way and hope its more clear..
> 
> Of the hundreds of posts I have seen on TAM EXACTLY like yours...including my own.
> 
> ...


Truer words have not been spoken here, Jeff.

Check out "Justadude's" thread.

He took his wayward wife to task, big time. 

She freaked out on him.

They are now in R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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