# Confused - my head and my heart



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi All,

This is my first post, I really need some help and I found this site to be helpful to others, so maybe it will help me. I have been married over 2 years now and I'm very unhappy. My husband and I have been together 5 years now. He is 29 and I am 27.

Background - we met in college but never really hung out. I graduated and got hired right away. My H worked at the same place. We reconnected and quickly became best friends. He was in a long term relationship (unhappy) and we really enjoyed each others company. I had moved out of my parents house and was living on my own, so it was very nice to have comapny. Things with his gf went sour and I told him he deserved so much better. We began dating shortly after that. The passion was great, and I felt so lucky to have the best of both worlds, passion and my best friend.

We dated for about 7 months before moving in together. We spent all of our time together, so we figured...why not...at first I enjoyed being the little house wife, hosting parties for his friends, etc. I don't know what happened but we started arguing about a lot of things. Our passion dwindled quickly because I felt like we never talked anything out. I don't think it helped that we worked and lived together, because we never had any space. We had a lot of positive in our lives though, so I figured the physical wasn't as important (important to note that I was a virgin). We got engaged after about 6 months of living together, and I was very happy to share the news with everyone and all of the planning, I guess I didn't see how much we were growing apart. I was no longer "one of the guys" but a nagging fiance.. horrible. Not to mention I feel like I gave up almost everything that I loved to do, I filled it with things that he loved to do, that I also came to enjoy. When we would fight, I would beg him to talk to me, and work things out with me, but he would just ignore me, like I wasn't even talking to him. I tried yelling, silent treatment, giving him space, crying...I started just feeling so beat down. Why would someone who loves me so much let this happen? Why wouldn't he talk to me, even after pleading with him?

After 2 years of marriage we have pretty much no physical relationship. He stopped talking to me and appreciating me, I believe I began to resent giving up things that I loved. A few months ago, I decided I was done. I felt and still kind of feel like I emotionally checked out. For me, I need a strong emotional connection to be physical and I feel so disappointed. 

I decided I didn't want my life to be on hold anymore. I'm 27, and want to have children and a full life. I want to do the things I love, but also share it with someone. Example - I love camping and when we registered for wedding gifts we registered for a bunch of camping equipment and even spent part of our honeymoon camping. He recently told me that he hates camping and he's not doing it. I went with my family and he came up for the day and made me miserable because he didn't want to do anything. 

I feel like I've lost myself. He recently took a job travelling and is gone all week. At first it was nice because I was able to do the things I liked with friends. Lately, I've felt so sad because I realized another summer has come and gone and I'm not happy...

I tried to do things to help. I've tried throwing myself on him to see if I feel different (btw I still find him attractive), I've started going to therapy. Friends of mine suggested we go on a trip together, so about 8 months ago we went to Cancun. The things he would say, whether meant to be hurtful or not, hurt (I have a ton of examples from over the years ), and I didn't even have cell phone reception to call my "support group" (mom, sister, friends, etc).

I started reconnecting with girl friends from college and even highschool, trying to do the things that I love (going to fair, going canoeing, etc). Get me back to me, I just got tired of not being me..

We sat down last weekend and discussed alot of things. He said he realizes that he took me for granted and that every night of the week he was doing something (sports, going to his friends house, etc) and I stopped being the priority. It felt good to talk, but at the same time hurt so bad. I asked him why he basically didn't talk to me for the last 2.5 years and he said "he was just too busy with other things." 

I love him so much and its been really hard for me to think about leaving him, and now he's trying to talk to me? What do I do? We haven't had any major passion for each other for 3 years..I feel like it's just been dragging out..but I love hugging him, recently Ive cuddled up with him and watched movies, etc, but that's it. It's like we're just best friends. He said he needs more (and I want more too ) But, how do I leave my best friend? He said no seperation, either together, or divorce. He said if we divorce he never wants to see, or hear from me again. While I understand, it's hard to imagine him not being in my life. I don't want to be alone, but at the same time feel alone in my marriage (until the last week). I've basically been crying, because I'm so confused. I think part of me whats to stay because I don't want to lose him, and the last 5 years of my life.

I don't know what to do. I really could use some good advice. Please be kind  Thanks!


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