# Can men and women really just be "friends"?



## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

I come out of a life where all I know is that men wants only one thing...lately I have a feeling that there may be men out there who seriously don't have hidden agendas, who really would like to just be friends. Most of the men I know are actually my husband's friends. I'm either reading signals wrong or right. If it's wrong, yay...if it's right...oh dear....:scratchhead:How do I spot the difference?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I would say that if a guy is starting to discuss personal things with you (like his marriage difficulties or yours), then he is no longer just trying to be a "friend".


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

If there is a heterosexual man in the world that does not have sexual feelings for other women, even to say just "be friends", I have not met him.

And Chris Taylor I agree, personal discussions are the gateway to intimacy, and intimacy between the man and woman is going to be sexually defined and felt absolutely.

This is why always, my opinion is opposite sex "just friends" is playing with fire.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

According to my H, men always lust after other women. 

I know in the past when men said they just wanted to be friends, it was a front to get friendly. Men can't help it.

Gay men, though, make the best friends!!


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## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

The majority of my friends are female. And no, there isn't a hidden agenda. 
Many of them are ex-girlfriends. So it can be said I definitely find them attractive. 
But in the eight years I've been with my wife, I haven't been trying to line up a liaison. I'm friends with my exes, for the same reason I'm friends with my male friends. I like hanging out with them.

I never understood the point of hanging out with some girl who doesn't like you, hoping you'll eventually get her to sleep with you. That's not how it works(most of the time). But yeah, there are some guys who do this.

So basically, the answer to your thread title as written, is yes 

However, if what you mean is, will any single(and many not single) men sleep with basically any of their female friends? Then the answer is also yes


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

No, really, it's that hard for guys to be friends with women without planning to have sex with them? Can you even believe a guy nowadays if he's acting friendly or should you just treat it as "if he's interested he wants to get in your pants" ?.

I can understand the attraction part. I have at least sexual curiosity regarding most if not all my guy friends. and sex is probably nice with anyone you get along with. But i doubt i'd sleep with most of them, even if single. 
Do most men really feel the need to sleep with virtually anyone?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Nekko,

Not always about "sleeping with anyone."

A man is just as susceptible to emotional affairs as a woman.

But also the little challenges and conquests, even among for example many men at my career workplace, to win the attraction and attention of even high powered female executives and professionals, there is status to be sought after even in this which, childish as it may appear is very real, and open to all sorts of inappropriate behavior and feelings.

And do not think it is always men either.

I have mentioned before on this forum even in the last two years a female software engineer, very attractive and very married, saw fit to explain certain aspects of her recent system changes while promptly seating herself in my lap.


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## crystal226 (Sep 21, 2010)

I think there are a lot of men out there that can be just friends with women and that women and men benefit from opposite sex friends. I have a lot of male friends and I don't think there are any hidden agendas. That being said a few of my friends have been very open with me about things and I think that a lot of guys in the right mood under the right circumstances would sleep with a female friend it would just mean something different to them. I think men have an easier time separating purely sexual desire from romantic desire and for that reason there are friends who might go there under the right circumstances. These same friends of mine in a rational discussion though agree that risking the friendship for the sex isn't worth it (just something they might ponder) so I believe the motivation for them is still just friendship, but as you can see sometimes lines get fuzzy. There are also male friends of mine who I believe have zero interest in me sexually. I guess to answer your question...I do believe men and women can be just friends, but you have to watch the signals and decide for yourself if things are just platonic.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I am also puzzled. I want friends. I enjoy talking to men. I don't talk to men in my real life. But on discussion forums, a lot. I had been on three discussion forums for Chinese. All men want to talk to me. And then they started to send me private messages, and I replied. Even though the messages were very normal, about life in general, or they send me songs to comfort me. Slowly I felt that I started to expect messages from them, slowly I felt that they are attached to me. I don't go to those forums anymore. As I know that I don't want to play with fire and let fire burn me. I know if I continue, I will be burned by fire. I have such a wonderful husband, nothing can replace him in my life. If I am able to have friends, great, if I am not able to have friends, fine. I won't do anything stupid to ruin my husband's trust and our happy marriage. 

I don't think a man and a woman can be friends.That's why I tell men not to send me private messages. Out in public, maybe. We find people we like, we support their ideas, but never in a private way. If we do it openly, it is for everybody to see, and we will show respect to each other. If I do want friendship, this is the way I am approaching now!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think it is entirely possible for men and women to be completely platonic friends. And I believe it's possible for that to happen even if that man and woman have dated previously. 

I am friends with some of my exes, and my boyfriend is friends with some of his. I retain absolutely no romantic or sexual feelings toward my exes. I can look at them and say they are attractive men, but it's the same way I'd say that guy who just passed me is attractive; he may be attractive, but that doesn't mean I want to jump his bones. I am friends with my male friends not for sexual or romantic reasons, but because they are nice guys that I share one or more things in common with and therefore like hanging out with or talking to. If any of them made any overtures toward me, they would be told "no" quite clearly and if they persisted beyond that "no", that friendship would end. My relationship is much more important than any friendship I have. Although I cannot ask my boyfriend right now, I can say that I am relatively certain he agrees with me. 

The thing, too, about opposite sex friendships is that even if one person wants more out of it, it can't happen unless the other person lets it. So, even if, say the man wanted to be more than just friends with his female friend, if she very clearly sets boundaries and makes it clear that nothing beyond simple, platonic friendship will ever happen, then he either has to accept that or risk losing the friendship. Same goes if it's the woman wanting more than friendship.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As I have said on this forum many times before, it is possible. I do think truly platonic OS friendships are rare though. I've had a male friend over 30 years and it has NEVER gotten sexual. I'm also friends (although not close) with his wife.


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

Yes, it is possible to have males as a friend-​You're right though there are many men who are only out here for one thing, and one thing only. There are many; ways of knowing who and which ones that is... A lot of them who are out there for one thing only would, end up talking about sex a lot and always mess around with you, showing that they want to be able to share that moment with you... 

You, and you only would really be the only one to tell​ if this is what the male would want to take place doing with you... You do not really have anything to worry about though- you, have a mouth and you, can always say "No" to the male you, chose to be your friend with- if he wants to make it with you- you, can always say "I am happily married, nothing here will ever take place with you and me the only thing that we will have is our friendship and nothing more." That is all you really can do- or not to have any males as friends....

*Cynthriaa*


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> I would say that if a guy is starting to discuss personal things with you (like his marriage difficulties or yours), then he is no longer just trying to be a "friend".


Disagree wholeheartedly. I have married female friends who discuss this topics with me and i share my own. In no way are we betraying our marriage, its just easier sometimes for people to vent to the oppositie sex, especially when they are married because they relate. As long as you don't cross the proper boundaries, then its harmless.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

One of my very best friends outside of my husband is a single male. I have alot of female friends but I simply enjoy his company (mainly his communication skills) more so. We both share a lust for "debating". We talk about anything & everything. Many times what is happening in the news, Politics, Religion, etc the more controversial, the more interesting it is. We simply enjoy challenging each others minds, sometimes for hours on end. Some would probably say we are obscenely OPEN with each other, and for many, this would be taboo but it has never been a problem for us, nor my husband. 

He only comes over when my husband is home, husband is right there with us, he listens, he sometimes laughs, he shakes his head, he doesn't offer much, but when he does say 
something, he has had us literally falling on the floor with laughter, his dry humor sometimes shakes the room. 

The dymanics of our friendship is strong 3 ways, my husband is NEVER left out. Never a discretion. Our boundaries with each other were established 18 long yrs ago, he is like an uncle to my children, more of a brother to my husband than his own. 

Although I don't recommend husband & wives to lean towards the opposite sex for friendships, it does not always spell disaster either. This male friend, when he does have problems, he calls me , I am more of the talker in our family and advice giver/listener, so it just plays out this way. 

*I feel if a marraige is built on a solid foundation of Trust, Honesty, Openness in every respect, with Fullfilling Intimacy - that these frienships can WORK , but still with some cautions:*

1) Best to not have any underlying physical attraction to this opposite sex friend 

2) husband or wife should NEVER feel threatened, or left in the dark about phone calls, emails, anything. If they have any concern, it is probably warrented. Nothing should ever be hidden. 

3) The opposite sex friend should only come around when the spouse is present and they should have just as much of a good relationship with the husband or wife. 

4) The friend needs to have integrity, morals, KNOW their boundaries AND KEEP THEM. If they find they are slipping and can not handle it, they need to step back from the friendship, out of respect for the marraige at hand.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> One of my very best friends outside of my husband is a single male. I have alot of female friends but I simply enjoy his company (mainly his communication skills) more so. We both share a lust for "debating". We talk about anything & everything. Many times what is happening in the news, Politics, Religion, etc the more controversial, the more interesting it is. We simply enjoy challenging each others minds, sometimes for hours on end. Some would probably say we are obscenely OPEN with each other, and for many, this would be taboo but it has never been a problem for us, nor my husband.
> 
> He only comes over when my husband is home, husband is right there with us, he listens, he sometimes laughs, he shakes his head, he doesn't offer much, but when he does say
> something, he has had us literally falling on the floor with laughter, his dry humor sometimes shakes the room.
> ...


This is the kind of friendship I want from a man. But Chinese are still funny in this area, we are taught not to be physically close to the opposite sex in our real life. So I never tried to make male friends in my real life after I was married. I don't have ways to meet them either since my co-workers are female. I talk to male parents, that's it, but it's all about their children in class. 

I enjoy talking to men on forums, I get a lot of fun and information reading their posts. 

Sometimes I think I have a man's mind. Women on Chinese forums actually think I were a man!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think ANY friendship outside of marraige can cause problems, even same sex friends. I have 2 female friends (one married, one not married) who got SO very close, the wife was CONSTANTLY with her, she became her side kick , doing things all hours of the night- late shopping at Walmart, not partying or anything. She was doing her single friends laundry, sometimes spent the night, they babysat each others kids as though they were family, were calling each other Aunts & Uncles. They in no way had lesbian tendencies, but found they enjoyed spending time together, MORE than the wife enjoyed her husband ! -- As they had their own issues at the time. 

It eventually turned very sour. The husband became resentful, this female friend thought she could freely discipline the others children as if they were her own. 

Ended up causing ALOT of problems with the marreid couple, to the point that the husband finally put his foot down & this female friend then had to learn some Boundaries. But it was too late, since they were not established in the beginning, the single friend got very very upset, felt betrayed & shafted and has refused to talk or have anything to do with the other in over 6 yrs. I befriend them both, and still can hear the pain in the married friends voice over what happened sometimes. She admists she got "too close" and put her husband on the backburner during that time. 

But it is just an example of how Boundaries with ANYONE outside of our marraige is a must, if you desire to keep harmony in your marraige. 

Our husband or Wife should ALWAYS BE and Feel #1 in our lives. 

I am much like GreenPearl, I enjoy hearing what guys talk about, those who are talkers anyway. I have 5 sons so I am used to being surrounded by testosterone. Endless slew of boys at my house all the time. I seem to "think" alot like men (except I do not care for Sports talk , and I know little about guns, hunting & War). I many times find my women friends very "petty" , even unforgiving of others if you say the wrong thing the wrong way, more egg shell walking is needed. Men simply appear more forgiving to me, even humble in comparison. 

But I do not mean to generalize! I love my girl friends too but I would rather have a good hearty debate with my guy friends (for some reason , they seem more up for that kind of thing) than go to a Cooking show, Shopping or a Craft outlet.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree that any friendship can be taken too far, sexual or not, and cause issues within a marriage. As long as we keep a little distance, I think generally an intelligent person can stay out of trouble. Even with family, blabbing everything is always a bad idea.

A good way to keep a little distance while still being a friend to someone is not asking too many questions about their private lives, let them keep their details to themselves. Not volunteering every detail about your own life, and certainly not talking about things that should remain private between you and your partner.

Recently I had a friend tell me stuff about her husband, that I thought her husband may not appreciate me knowing, so while I offered a sympathetic ear, I didn't keep the conversation going by asking for more information. For a male friend, I might be even a little more cautious. From experience when I was younger, as soon as a male hears stuff like, 'she was wrong for doing that, I would never do that to my partner' etc from another woman while he is vulnerable, he starts to look at her in the light of a potentially 'better' partner.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Today is quote day in my head for some reason. Paraphrased - don't remember where I heard it:

"If women could read our minds, they wouldn't be able to stop slapping us."

I have spent time discussing my marriage problems with a few women that I am friends with. But when one of them asked me to go to lunch with her one day, I opted out. Seen too many examples on this board of people who start with good intentions taking things a step too far - even at an emotional level.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Today is quote day in my head for some reason. Paraphrased - don't remember where I heard it:
> 
> "If women could read our minds, they wouldn't be able to stop slapping us."
> 
> I have spent time discussing my marriage problems with a few women that I am friends with. But when one of them asked me to go to lunch with her one day, I opted out. Seen too many examples on this board of people who start with good intentions taking things a step too far - even at an emotional level.


Good for you!!!

Never ever spend time alone with some one who is opposite sex if we are married. It is just not right. If you don't have anything in mind, she'll have something in mind!!!

We don't know what is on a man's mind just like men don't know what is on our mind. So we need to talk. I learned a lot about men from talking to my husband, now I am here at TAM, I get to know even more. ha ha ha, I like to tease men, but I can't do it here, they will ban me! tears tears tears ................................


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> Never ever spend time alone with some one who is opposite sex if we are married. It is just not right.



I think the key word in this sentence is "*alone*". I am with you on that. 

It sounds like in your country, it is even taboo to talk to the opposite sex though. Really?? Is everything segregated? Almost like being Amish in America. 

How do you feel about that, do you see it as a good thing? Are there laws, or this is just unspoken rules men & women follow in your country ? 

Do you feel it helps keep marraiges together, divorce rate much lower there?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think the key word in this sentence is "*alone*". I am with you on that.
> 
> It sounds like in your country, it is even taboo to talk to the opposite sex though. Really?? Is everything segregated? Almost like being Amish in America.
> 
> ...


Men and women talk to each other if there are other people around. Never in a private situation. If a man and woman talk to each other privately, that is inappropriate, few people talk about sex. They have books going on, but seldom ask somebody for sex skills. It is becoming more westernized now. I don't feel comfortable sitting beside my brothers-in-law. 

Cheating is going on in China, too, so it is good or not, I don't know. Chinese men don't feel bad when they cheat. If they don't get enough sex from their wives, they just go somewhere else look for sex, they don't feel bad about it. In Chinese history, it was common for men to have more than one wife if he could afford. They only restrict women. They only require women to be loyal to their husbands. For men, it is totally self control. Depends on him. Chairman Mao did something to help women's position in the country, but it has being thousands of years culture, now men in China have money, cheating and mistresses are coming back. It is very saddening to see the immoralities going on there. I always become very bothered reading posts there. I want to yell and scream at them, but I know it is no use, so I just stop going there. 

The divorce rate is becoming high in China too, about 30% in big cities. But the reasons are different. Because of ONE CHILD policy, a lot of children are very spoiled, they are very self centered, they don't know how to get along with each other. So a lot of marriages fail not long after they get married. Chinese parents still try to influence their children, mothers try to control sons, they always make the daughters-in-law's lives miserable. And sons are very dependent on their mothers. Mothers from the girls' families always want a lot of money from the men's families, that gives men a lot of pressure to get married. They are required to have high education, high salary, apartment ready, even cars now. And the girls don't know that is not good for their future life if their families make their men go bankrupt. Just feel those people are so vain and so stupid!!!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

GP,
What was originally a "birth control" government reign on people has and will become a major change in that country. It is estimated that in 2020 women will outnumber men by 28 to 1. Since China valued boys above girls through sex selection, abortion after finding out the sex through ultrasound or in rural areas a daughter being born and killed shortly afterwards, girls have been marginalized to say the very least. It is no surprise that after all these years, young women in China are wising up. They hold the cards now, or at least will in the very near future.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Brennan said:


> GP,
> What was originally a "birth control" government reign on people has and will become a major change in that country. It is estimated that in 2020 women will outnumber men by 28 to 1. Since China valued boys above girls through sex selection, abortion after finding out the sex through ultrasound or in rural areas a daughter being born and killed shortly afterwards, girls have been marginalized to say the very least. It is no surprise that after all these years, young women in China are wising up. They hold the cards now, or at least will in the very near future.


It is a big concern now. I read many posts about wanting sons. Some women are being divorced since they didn't give birth to sons. Just read a post last week, a woman had an abortion after the family found out what she had was a girl. 

They are fighting against nature. They are going to suffer badly later. A lot of men can't have wives. Don't know what they are going to do. Are they going to become gay????????????????

They are just stupid for wanting sons. Daughter are much better for being nice to parents, they wants sons just so the family names can go on!!! 

Who cares what their family names are. Don't understand how come there are still a lot of stupid people there even though they are highly educated. Stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## horneyazman (Sep 1, 2010)

Is it possible for the two genders to be friends yes but is it likely, no. 65% of these relationships end up with one of the parties getting emotionally involved or what they will say "confused or lost".


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