# This will take a while



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

So ok, I am here, no not married, but out of a complicated relationship that touched me pretty deeply, and ended up hurting me repeatedly over the course of 3 years....

I am starting here, I need advice.. help whatnot, but it is a story that I have to figure out how to tell, how to get across what happened, and how to share things I am not entirely sure I am ready to (that are incredibly important to the story, the hurt as well as the continued ties)

what it comes down to is more confusion, though I don't know if there even is... but there was a single rose and a note in my car this evening.... ARG... not even sure that means a damn thing to me at this point...

Anyway, I a just wanted to start a place that I can come back to over a day or so and slowly put out the story while I weed through my current feelings, and my anxieties over how to tell things, kind of without telling things... Please bare with me over this...... It's not going to be easy to put it all out there


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Ok, to start, short story first.....

3 years with a man. Started out to be the most amazing thing EVER! To the point where HE began talking about a future together within the first month, at 6 mos HE was trying to talk me into a shared vacation home in the mtns, and the big mistake of being talked into a puppy at 8 mos in.. That first year was great.

Early on I made very clear how I felt on what I feel are make or breaks in a relationship, especially since he was was talking love and future so quick. I made sure to point out my values on family, kids and partnerships as well just what kind of person I am and what I am like. Part of what made me fall in love with him was that after I explained myself he not only agreed, but said how great he felt in finding someone with the same values as him. I don't think i am too crazy in translating that as meaning he understood and agreed with my values....

Anyway..... We did have a good time together, in that we enjoyed doing a lot of the same things, or at least enjoyed what we did together.. great... made me like him more 

Ok... back up... forgot to mention he has two kids... when we met... 20 yr old step son (maybe 19 I forget) who was away at college.... 16 year old son who was not around much.... So for the first 6 mos or so, I knew he had kids, but did not see them much, or at least not for more than a week at a time (will explain as I go on)

Anyway, he did tell me his kids were hard and his relationship with them not great. let me say now... he really should have offered a little more info on that....

His youngest at 16 was not made to go to school, at all, did not get enough credits to get past half a freshman year, spent most of his time high, in teh basement getting RIPPED with friends, no job, did nothing around the house, and no one made him OR did anything to get him help with anything... I was asked to talk to him which i did, but did so on my own, not even his parents backing it up or having anything to do with it other than suggesting I try to talk to him. I figured I was backing up them, but found out later that my act was completely on it's own... so later I was no longer surprised the kids hated me so much (and did their best to spread all kinds of crap about me to their family which i knew some of outside of the relationship) Ok THAT SUCKED!!!!!

Not to put everything on him... I allowed myself to be blinded to a lot and allowed myself to rationalize alot because of emotions. I told myself that due to the divorce, the kid, the man newly becoming the single parent that it would take time..... It was a while later that I realized he wasn't DOING anything but waiting for this poor kid to figure out what to do on his own. This same kid who went to rehab only to have his dad drop him off with the friends he drank and toked with, 48 hours after being released (so much for the contract he did in rehab and all the suggestions from the counselors to help him out) ARG... anyway, I suppose when i did finally get fed up with the kid stuff it was unfair since I had blinded myself to so much...

Ok so anyway, the kids, well not the kids but his lack of showing the values in parenting he told me he had, and my fears of WTF I have a kid, you are talking marriage and I can't bring my kid into it feeling... all led to the first big blow up and break up....

Lots more to it but that was the core.. Anyway we got back together after a lot of talking, a lot of telling each other what we each needed and both agreeing to try to compromise and work on certain things..... So will say I honestly tried damn hard on my side, but got about 5 seconds of working on it from him.... n comes the resentment...

OK that's enough and covers a bit over year one.... And before you say it..... 

Year one was most FANTF'NTASTIC..... But then turned to hell for which I spent year 2 trying to put it all together and make things the way he said he wanted it, and trying to help him be the man he said he was, and SEEMEd to so much want to be, fast forward to year three and all hell breaks loose HAHA but that will come later....


Ya I know I look stupid already right? BTW this was started at me 34... him 46 my daughter 6 at the beginning...


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Trenton... feel free to jump in here any time, and don't be afraid to point out my own faults that I am missing... or your perspective that probably offers more than my own here


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Why this is coming up now is the conversation/rose I received today. I am currently waiting to see if he calls as I put that on him... anyway, I am struggling with what I might say should he actually call..

I can't say the flower made me swoon, no flower ever has, they just do nothing for me at all, the note was cute, and unexpected for him and I have to hand it to him... a tiny step for most is that moonlanding step for him HAHA

BUT I still do not know what to say to him. The best I can give him is 1... asking if he is the man he has shown me over the last two years and if yes, then no, I want nothing of him, if NO, then there is what does he need to do to show that as his words have little if any meaning to me.

Is it fair to say to him that at this point I do infact need him to woo me? to jump through a few hoops to show me that he does care? To SHOW what it's worth to him to try to build something back? I have no "if you do this" in mind.... All I have is that it would take mad time and ya, a lot of effort on his part for me to be able to say I know how he feels based on what he SAYS he feels. 

I don't want to be unfair to him, but I am in no way willing to just put my heart on the table with no faith that it will remain intact in his hands. 

Yes I know I am putting this all on him, and if he has needs from me I will listen, but I can't say that I am willing to do anything at this particular point, other than allow him a window in which to walk through IF he can prove he is not the man he has shown me he is. I know he believes is something different, but all I have to go on is what he has shown me. IF he doesn't like what I am seeing, well than I think it's on him to show me something different.

Do I sound like a cold hearted ***** here?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Trust is EXTREMELY hard to rebuild. I don't think cold hearted. 

Its up to you do decide what to do.

As a man who was forgiven, I want advocate that.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Doesn't look like I have to decide since "i will talk to you later" followed by me telling him I didn't know since it was on him to call meant, sure a rose... cute but does nothing, but no phone call which would have maybe meant something (given past discussion on the matter) so I don't get to tell him anything... Not surprised, but yet still mildly pissed


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Just what are you waiting for this man to show you? The Maya Angelou quote in my siggie is actually what I try to live life by. I'm going to say personally I've been blinded by what I WANTED to see, instead of what I was being SHOWN. 

"_trying to help him be the man he said he was_," This disturbed me. I'm not quite sure what you were having to do to "help him" be the man he said he was. He should be doing that with no help from you. You create an *opportunity* for him to be the man he says he is...he's either that man or he's not. He will show you who he is. 

FWIW, I don't think you were being a cold hearted b***h.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

By help i mean that he actually asked for help in figuring out the kids, as well as in becoming better at reading people or seeing what they need. 

There are ties that I have not discussed yet that keep me there, but also just that for so long I was in love with what he said he was, and it was not until later that I had the chance to really see that he wasn't. When i was talking about the younger child... though he was living in the house, for a LONG time he wasn't. He was either I guess living with friends, or running to his mother in MD till she laid down the law then he would run back, but was never actually home much. Until there was a chance to see the values and such in action, I had little reason to question...

Well ok, there was reason but I blinded myself to it till it was just too much not to see. That did not change the emotions that had been built however, or what all the talk about future, partnership, and forever did after a while. I suppose I let myself be drawn into his fantasy.

I was never afraid of it being hard at times, and was actually looking forward to the idea that for once, maybe I would not be figuring out the hard times alone. I was more than willing to work, and DID, just still waiting for that work on the other end.

I consider myself a fairly strong person (weakness of heart at times, but then who doesn't suffer from that HAHA) but at some point, even the mightiest will appear weak when the burden they carry is constantly loaded on to.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I will also cop to (again since I put this in my intro) being sometimes overly blunt. Now my bluntness was a turn on to him as long as it was directed elsewhere, but the same bluntness I guess was not taken the same when I was speaking to him. 

I admit that is something I should work on, but I am usually the same with everyone, so at least it was not some HUGE surprise. I did put some time into telling him i was sorry for that, and though I would try to tone it down, he had to make me aware in the moment when it was making him uncomfortable since it is just natural to me.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

All the early talk was to get you hooked, and then once he felt secure, he let you see who he really is. Anyone can be on good behavior for a relatively short time--a year isn't that long, esp if you didn't live together. You have had two years to see what he is really like, and you don't seem happy with who he really is. He might win you back with another few months of good behavior, but do you really think he's going to change? Remember, the "great" times were temporary and he's gone twice as long with the not-so-great. Maybe it is time for you to cut your losses, learn more about yourself and your weaknesses when it comes to choosing men, and then try again. Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Woodstock is my near and dear friend and has been since we were...what?--about 16 I believe. Me a ridiculous excuse for a teen and her a girl who scored way too high on her PSAT's. 

She has been my greatest support and we have gone through things together that are quite unbelievable but certainly happened. I brought her here because she continually struggles and I tell her often that I've found help here and I hope she will be open to doing the same. 

Anyway, I know her story like I know the back of my hand. This post is as much to help the reader as it is to help Woodstock (apologize in advance, woody, for not addressing you directly). I think it's important to note that she has never had a father figure in her life. The boyfriends she has chosen have "been complicated". She is raw, honest and highly tolerant of having a very crazy friend (me). Yes, I've lived with her when I ran away from home at 16 and again and again until I was married. 

A little about Woody (the stuff she'll never say)...She drove me home drunk even after I bit her when we were in our late teens *shock* *horror*. I was the compulsive one always in trouble and she was the one who would bail me out. She counseled me through the confusion of abuse I suffered at the hands of my father and then the double abuse I still suffer at the voice of my mother. She has seen me through countless relationships, including my long-term relationship with my husband.

She founded the non-profit organization with me in April 2005, when I was so sure it was what I wanted to do and could not get support elsewhere. She signed the paperwork and dealt with countless nights of swapping ideas, ironing out details of programs we wanted to run and showing up as a dedicated volunteer for five years. She is the one I talk to about changing the world. Yes...her and I recently solved the health care crisis in America but we're still working out the details.

She has ruthlessly believed in me when I couldn't, always and for what seems like forever. When a stint with Prozac had me quickly roll into a downspin that landed me in a mental hospital and branded me "Borderline Personality Disorder" she wrote me a beautiful letter I will never forget, one I still have and read every few years or so when I'm feeling nostalgic. She reminds me daily how lucky I am to surround myself with such interesting, honest and sincere people. Woody is the best person, hands down, that I have ever had the honor of meeting.

The problem I have with Woody is this...she undervalues herself wickedly. She gives credit away far too easily. She depends on herself so very much so that depending on someone else fully, with her heart, is near impossible.

I often find myself asking myself if it is Woody who sabotages herself quite by accident each time she finds a man. I don't believe that the man who left the rose in her car tonight is any different. He could be, despite all of his MAJOR deficits, the man who makes her happy but only if she is willing to allow herself this type of happiness.

Woody's father was not a father, he was an escape artist and I still remember when he died. We cried and moaned on her picnic bench outside of her house for a few days at least. Her father who abandoned her went and killed a woman before killing himself. Her sister, who has never been a sister of any sort, turned woody's father's death against her (still does).

How does anyone overcome these obstacles really? We just do. We face our lives and take and give what we can because these connections to those who can adore or squish us at will are the risks we take to find joy and all the other stuff.

I most recently found myself taking Woody to an abortion clinic. I wrote a poem about the experience and will post it following my long tirade of support. The man who left the rose was the father of that child. He completely dropped the ball there although, and Woody you will kill me for saying this, Woody's confusion and overwhelming emotion at the time pushed him directly away. It was horrible, brutal and really hard for me to watch. 

The bottom-line is that this rose fella is actually not a bad guy. He doesn't need to "man-up" or anything of the sort. He rather needs to wake up but Woody's fitness tests are brutal and she is unaware she is even taking part in them. She needs a really strong man. One who can comfort and undo all the damage done by other men.

So this is the opinion of a best friend. It is humble and it is sincere. It very well might be jaded. Read it all and help this brilliant, beautiful woman find the love she deserves.

Wow. I have such a flair for dramatics. 

Cheesy Poem about Woody's experience to sum up what I went through during her abortion...yes, I internalize everything selfishly...come on, give me a break...

Roe vs. Wade seems like a long time ago
But I watch my friend, alone,
friend support but man support none.

They speak muse first (lecture),
and then line the girls up one by one (like cattle)
Then each girl waits her turn trembling (naked)
Inject the sedative, no ultrasound necessary (too costly)
Stare at the white, dirty ceiling and think but don’t shout,
“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Wait in blue pleather chairs and stair at one another (recovery?...nah),
eat toast and tea that was meant to be sweet
but is intensely bitter.

We’re not to get angry about this on their behalf (blow them all up)
It’s their fault after all (sinners)
...if they stopped opening their legs so often (scapegoats)...

Funny that women don’t get paid the same as men
Dummy that we fight amongst ourselves
and claw and claw and claw
when the man suffers nothing at all.

Sign here and here.
You are all done
and anew alone.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Trenton, let me say that for two days in a row, you are hitting me with some crazy stuff at 6 AM HAAAA Though this is easier to have stare me in the face ROFLMAO

OK So trenton is pretty much right... and actually I have no faith this guy is any different either (probably why the rose REALLY I SWEAR did ABSOLUTELY nothing.... no heart strings puled, not even an "awww, that's cute") 

The only thing I will disagree with is the insanity of the fitness tests..... Ok so ya, I know it totally looks like that because the outside sees the blow up but there are somethings that lead to it...

Case in point the pregnancy.... Ok ya, what she saw was my insanity, no question..... What she misssed was what was there with when no one was around, the conversations, and my calmness (believe it or not there was some HAHA)

Anyway.... ya, I blew up quicker than normal, not gonna deny that the hormones had a siilar effect with my daughter 10 years ago.. but before that it was calm, HONEST discussion of what I would need, the fact that ya, I might loose it since this was a BIG, the honestly about not being sure he was going to one I could depend on, and me wanting to make sure he was ready to let me do that. I took him at his word when he said yes as I asked if he was ready to (literally here the words I used....) "Suck it up and be there for me, cause it could get ugly". 

So before they DID get REALLY REALLY REALLY ugly.... my so called fitness test to him which pushed him away was.... Trying over and over to tell him that I was scared, that it was not what I "wanted" but that I just saw no other choice... telling him that ya, I needed him, and him instead 1.. when I gsave him an out on the initial DR visit because he was running out of days off to take, he calls me up and says "well while you are off doing that, I am taking the day off anyway ad going out fishing ALL day, where you will be unable to contact me by phone at all, with my cuz" ummm ya OK that HURT like hell, so I told him and eventually he reluctnatly took me to the dr, thank gaeds cuz there were some problems there...

skip ahead a few weeks and it's about 115 degrees out, I am just hitting the OMG I am sick, I am feeling faint, scared out of my ever loving mind, while hiding the entire situation from every human beingaround me.... and I tell him in the Am I really need you today, BAD day... blah blah... and I get back that he is going to spend the day on his boat on the river with his dogs cuz it is too hot for them (though HE has central air for his dogs... me... NO) I get invited to go, but can't seem to explain how sitting in the sun on teh water when it's 115 is hardly gonna HELP me HAHA

Anyway, from there YA there may have been some testing going on... partly from resentment, partly from just being afraid to make him what I lean on, should helet me fall... But then, something occured to make for a REALLY horrible day for me in which I was OK loosing it (never once denied that I was not having a kind of emotional breakdown day) litterally BEGGED him to come get me and take me where i could break down cuz I was still hiding it all from the faces in front of me... and I get back that he has to go buy a motor for his boat, and an oil filter for his bike, and that he would be over later that night cuz it was what we planned.... Mind you no compassion, no sympathy, not even I am sorry I can't be ther..... from there it was over the top ugly and went to where I might share one day, but not now.....

So given that.... was I providing a fitness test or was it one that naturally occured in life in which he failed....

And before you say it, ya I still hold resentment, and when I did get back to talk to him after all this hell, I openly admitted to that so that he would nto be surprised when it cameout. he still wanted to be with me, thogh I told him it would take time, and that he neede to let me talk about what I was still going though, and actually listen.... 

I LOVE trenton to death... she is the best friend, sister, soul mate who i will be tied to for life.... but in this situation... my healing needed in someway to be tied to the other half of the burden so to speak.... 

Back to now... ya Iknow it was never all his fault, not trying to say that, just putting out where i am and why. At the moment, not sure if I need him to be the man I want, or I still need a punching bag... honestly working that one out and had he actually called, ya Iwould have been honest about that. 

One prob is that I still want what I thought I fell ini love with, and because that ghost is tied to his face... well, it is hard not to want to give him the chance to be, but I am not thinking he is that or that he even wants to be that. Either way, if he has no desire to be different, or just "is what he is" then no, I got nothing for him other than the desire to make him feel like he has made me feel, which I would love to do and probably will hint at, I actually don't want to keep him around just for that.

He is not an intentionally bad guy, he just seems to lack any intelligence in the area of people in general. Work, things, dogs, ya fine, but with people I get confused on weather it is an emotional wall of sorts, or just plain some kind of selective retardation...being totally serious on that.

BTW... I might mention that I was told over a year after the fact that his bro and SIL that hooked us up, did so because they though i would be good for him and be a kind of good influence on him as a parent.... would have been nice to know BEFORE the emotions tied in, when they were telling me he was a great guy as oppose to telling me later that they seriously though he was also kind of retarted or on some kind of autism spectrum along with his kid...... umm thanks? ARG

Also admitting here that although I am a logical mind, all cause and effect, I am also hugely about love, giving, and emotion, though my conception of happiness does not require perfection or fairytale endings out of the norm... but I do have a need to fix what is wrong so it can be put to bed for good. I know what will come back up later, and I know how to keep it to bed, but I need help tucking the problems in under the sheets.....


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> All the early talk was to get you hooked, and then once he felt secure, he let you see who he really is. Anyone can be on good behavior for a relatively short time--a year isn't that long, esp if you didn't live together. You have had two years to see what he is really like, and you don't seem happy with who he really is. He might win you back with another few months of good behavior, but do you really think he's going to change? Remember, the "great" times were temporary and he's gone twice as long with the not-so-great. Maybe it is time for you to cut your losses, learn more about yourself and your weaknesses when it comes to choosing men, and then try again. Good luck, whatever you decide.


Partly all that about getting comfy (though i will only accept comfy as an excuse for so much) partly that life just did not provide him with a chance to show certain things till later (ok it did but in smaller amounts so the love blinders still blocked it out)

I have chosen bad men, will admit that totally. The last bad one (worse than this) was more supposed to be some fun that got serious when fishy met egg... but others, well they were great guys, that I still talk to, but just not life mates. One may have just been bad timing, but not a bad guy at all. 

Trenton is dead on that I probably see myself as less than I am. I have had that conversation with her a few times. Lifetime thing... but that is not an easy fix. I do not see myself as dog poop or anything... but I do have a hard time giving myself credit, but that is slowly changing with my experiences in school. I still struggle with it, but there are parts of me bending towards more self confidence. That will take a long time to change. I always hope to be growing up until the day I die, so I am fine with that time issue on change LOL

And ya, I need to cut my losses, and despite knowing that, like so many others, how do you get your heart to understand what your head knows HAHA 

Trenton has for so long, up until this summer actually, been about love being enough, you should give it all up if it's love... move, change everythign blah blah blah... but that has never been me. I think my life has tought me from the start that there is more than love.... there is life and love can't get done everything that need to be done, nor can it be allowed to blind you from the rest (though it sure seems to be hell bent on that HAHA) I guess I am cought between wishing love could cure all and make the rest OK, and knowing that's just not reality


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You and I are in agreement about one major thing...love is NOT enough. Love will not conquer all. It only means you have a fighting chance if both parties are on board.

First...I have to say that whether if be a "fitness test" or "naturally occurring one", I'd say he failed miserably. There are simply some times when you have to put someone else's needs above your own. Whether you want to or not. And apparently for whatever reason, he doesn't get that. Doesn't sound like he's much inclined to want to try, either. 

Have you considered counseling to deal with some of your "demons"?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I have reached out a couple of times to talk about issues attached specific things, but really I am feeling the healing, but also recognizing that time is needed and some things are going to be anavoidable hard no matter what.

As for the ones needs over the other... I recognized he is not great at that and did, in near exact words, explain to him on that one that by laws of nature, it was my turn, and my needs might be pretty serious. As for wanting to try... that is honestly hard to tell. Not sure if he doesn't want to, isn't capable or can't figure out how or where to start. 

All along I admit to having made some assumptions based on what I have seen the average human of that age know and understand. Such as with the kids (Duh, really?) I have had many a time where it didn't even occur to me to question whether or not he knew or understood something. Now maybe that is taking something for granted, but it still feels more like... why would I question that! HAHA 

As I have told him.. I truly do not know what to think sometimes, nor do I know what he is thinking, or if he is thinking. I get a lot of "you know" and "well I didn't mean that" from him, to which my reaction is, no i DON'T know, and how was I supposed to know what you meant? But for some reason it always feels like he thinks I am speaking in some code or something and trying to figure it out, but there is nothing TO figure out... I can't simplify it further... I mean what I say there and there is nothing but the definition of each single word to figure out.. no hidden meaning HAHA 

When I start out with, there rarely is a hidden meaning in what I say... it is not until I am pushed that things come out with not so well hidden meaning, but that takes pushing. What is agrivating is that he does not seem to hear much unless I am screaming, but then gets mad that I am... though he does remember when i point out to him past calm conversations, he can't seem to get that I was saying the same things calmly, but he did not register them till I was yelling.

Also often get back how he gets something fromt eh fights, as if they are going to push him to see things, or that somehow he thinks they bring us closer.... NOT ME!!! I HATE THEM!

Maybe it goes back to his 18 years of bad marraige, which I can get, but if you didn't like the marriage, why continue what you hated when you don't have to right? And ya, I could say that the first couple of times... it's what he is used to or whatever, but I think it's unfair for me to continue to take that with no sign of it coming down to not NEEDING a fight! Lord know I don't want THAT to be a future AHHHHHHHH LMAO


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

BTW, it remains to be seen what I will end up saying in the end, since the pursuit ended with the lone rose LMAO.... not sure if I was supposed to have some grand reaction to that or something... but still no call.... Will admit that certainly does not REMOVE resentment from the pool LMAO


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

If I look like a stupid girl in all this, take heart that it is about how I feel over it all


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Well, sadly, though it remains to be completely confirmed (though I also don't think it needs to be) it all comes down to... I have undefinable ties, unconscious/conscious attraction, (not to mention a personality that does not see giving up as a option on much) the reality is, I think the man in this situation is looking for, wants for himself, a relationship that resolves entirely around HIM, his wants, needs and everything else. It is as clear as ever, that I can say I have a need, but unless it fits into HIS wants, or what HE usually does, or is comfortable with, it won't matter. 

Now I could say what my need is, but I am not sure people would believe how such a simple request could be so easily shot down, even when described as a need that I know HE does not have, but that I am saying I DO have. Seriously NOT a big thing (laughable really) but shot down (and I was not even going to be clued into the fact that it was shot down, it was just not going to happen... no, THAT won't build resentment or anything LMAO)

Geez, why not..... OK, so because verbal communication has been anything BUT communication because of BOTH of us, I wanted to find out what he actually felt, needed, wanted etc.... In conversation it ends up in duel frustration, and him leaving with contradicting statement and no clue as to which one to believe, and his inability to explain anything I don't understand because he does not know why it is important for me to "get it", followed by my words being interpreted into things that never came close to crossing my mind (turning into the "have you MET me?" thoughts)... Anyway, as a way to get around this, at least for a minute, I requested one thing... that he take a piece of paper and pencil and write down for me (or email me, whatever, I don't care) how he feels, what I am doing wrong for him, what frustrates him, as well as what would make him happy, and maybe, just for me, what about me he misses (as he proclaims to REALLY miss me, but can't/won't say why or what about me/us he misses).

I wanted him to write it down so that I might have a chance to respond as opposed to react, then MAYBE he could do the same, giving us a chance to get past what it is we have been doing and maybe actually communicate. You know, get the chance to think about what is on the page instead of reacting to what is said and missing any actual chance at a give and take. I want to try to understand, but our conversations are not allowing it.

ME... I don't think that is HUGE... No, he does not write, no he is NOT great with expression, but MAYBE if he sat down and thought about what he really wants me to know, or what he really wants to ask, he might even find a better way to express all that. Won't take too long, won't kill him, not asking for poetry, just him. He tells me nothing but "well it's not me... you are the one making it complicated (while also telling me he doesn't get what I want blah blah blah) and is fighting such a little thing in a big way. he agrees we are not verbally communicating, but what he wants to do is to get together for drinks (HAHA trenton... not coffee or a sandwich, but back to a drink LMAO--- inside jk) and talk (as if sitting a loud bar makes it even easier to communicate HAHA) SOOOO, I said, fine, maybe I can give you that, though stating I don't see how it will work better than being on the phone, unless he is hoping he can figure out what I want to here, say it and pretend he will get some as a result.. NOT) but I would do it, ONLY if he could at least consider my request as something I need to got to a next step.

Is that some kind of vicious fitness test? I really do need it, I do need to see some things explained. Is that a HIGE need? or is this just a man who doesn't give a crap about another person's needs, as long as things are going 100% to HIS idea of what they should be. About HIM having fun, and me along for the ride whether I want to or not (not likely to take a step out of a comfort zone for me) and a situation where it would just be me falling in line with him, looking to fill my needs myself (which I know in my head is most likely, but I guess as with anyone, I just want reassurance, support, and encouragement to keep me away)

AHHHH Had to blow all that out, or I would just end up completely busting irrationally on the phone later, which may be warranted, but would accomplish less than nothing HAHA


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Ok, so i think I ma updating this for myself here, so that maybe I can go back to this to keep track of myself, what's up, whatever.... I don't have a diary so why not right? LOL Plus, maybe some feedback here and there...

So... this place got me thinking and though I know I have my own set of blame in everything, and always did, crap on this site made me think more about it, and some along the lines of (aslo here from a friend  ) did I sabotage things cuz of my own neurosis? OK that said, I took a lot of things from here.... lots of the communication/translation of language stuff and put it into application. 

Although it was, of course, at my pushing, and felt some like pulling teeth on an alligator... had an actual, what might almost be called a productive conversation that involved more than me simply giving HIM satisfaction of understanding me, and forced pushed and demanded something from him, Something actually real no less (this may be a first folks, I am still on shock and not sure what to do!!!) 

I actually got him to give me REAL information about HIM and where HE is at!!! It wasn't easy mind you... kind of exhausting, but haly crap I got something!!! Now I am not sure what to do with it, not even sure what I feel about it because it's a first HAHA It's a first time first in the area of meaningful communication (not sure there will be much else to come, or anything along what I really need from a man, but holy cow, i am in shock... have I mentioned that?) 

Also, though it moved from pulling teeth on an alligator to pulling teeth on a pissed off silver back gorilla who hasn't eaten in a week, I got him to agree to write it down, both for me and for the sake of communicating though response, not reaction. WTF... I think I should run out in my jammies and buy a damn lottery ticket.... Full moon tonight? maybe he was smokin the kid's stash? umm still don't know how to take it .... SHOCK!!!!!! This is to weird, and too unexpected (this is not a man who has ever shocked me in a good way before, hell, never even surprised me in the least)

SO... I think a lot of it had to do with my approach, which I think was much better than would have been had I not taken a bit of insight from some crazy folks around here, so thanks (for now,... if it turns bad I may blame you all MUWAHAHAHAHA) LMAO hell I may blame you all for getting it in my head to give the past a window to return, but hopefully I can either move it where it should go, where I want it to go, or build whatever I need to let it float back into the past, should it (still think it's mean to) need it.

HMMM What to do when you have the **** shocked out of you? Not used to this feeling HAAAAA


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