# Feeling of doom - very strange



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Just wanted to check and see if anyone else has had this...

All is going very well in our efforts towards R. Other than some residual OM stuff we are dealing with, the transparency and effort have been strong and good. Generally speaking, I feel really strong and feel very good about the changes I am making and how I am doing.

So why do I have this feeling of impending doom? The other shoe has dropped, I know almost everything there is to know about the A, but I feel like there's this weight suspended over me weighting to drop.

Anyone else dealing with this? :scratchhead:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This is very normal.

It's actually a common symptom of depression. Which to some degree you are suffering. Depression is triggered as one of the normal stages of coping or healing from a great loss. 

In the case of someone who is reconciling the marriage, what you are mourning is the loss of unconditional trust and the loss of the realtionship that you once had. In the cases of marriages that do not survive the trauma of infidelity, the loss and subsequent depression are obvious.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I combine this thought with wrestling with a not-very-real-and-I-know-it feeling in my gut that there's something else that I should know, some other thing. But it's somehow different than a gut instinct that I know I should trust... I think maybe the impending doom is the simple knowledge that this will be there hanging over you for the rest of your life with her, but you have yet to experience that somewhat normal (but forever changed) life. 

I'm in the same boat.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Pit - Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. It is something I will just have to try to work through. That is very helpful. 

@2x - That's it exactly, the feeling that I'm missing something, even though I've left very little left unasked (just the grisly details of the encounters, which I'm not going to ask). Making it very hard to focus on work today, but am going to put on some music, meditate a bit here at my desk and dig back in. Thanks.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

I agree. Even though I am 19 days out from D-Day and the A actually took place over 6 years ago, I just have this feeling that I don't know everything, and fear that everything she's doing right now is a facade. I keep waiting on her to look at me and tell me that the joke was on me the whole time. I have to continuously push these thoughts out of my head and sometimes that's very difficult. I know that my life is forever changed with her now. She wept when I told her that when I look at her, I get this overwhelming feeling that she's not the person I thought she was. I think she genuinely feels guilt and remorse over the A. I just have to get to the point where my mind believes it. 

Don't worry brother, I'm right there with you. Pit-Of-My-Stomach is right, it's just depression that our marriages have lost their innocence.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

2xloser said:


> I'm in the same boat.


I forgot to mention in my first reply, So am I. 

I think to some degree, everone here will experience this feeling.

Here are some other common feelings associated with this depression

Feeelings of Doom
Sleep Disturbance
Appetite Changes
Fatigue
Physical Symptoms (headache, backache, or muscle pain)
Irritability
Lack of Concentration
Feelings of Sadness
Loss of Interest
Anxiety
Thoughts of Suicide

*edit* These 'self help' tips are great


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I too have had those feelings of impending doom. Back in January when my now exH went out on a movie date with the woman he was (still is) involved with and I found out about and confronted him on it, he played it off like it was no big deal and even made me think I was over reacting. Deep down, I knew better but I wanted to believe I was over reacting because at the time, it was much easier to sweep things under the rug than to face the truth. For the 3 months, I dealt with the impending doom feeling until I caught him red-handed with her in her car parked down the street from our house. I think I have dealt with most all those symptoms of depression Pit listed above. Just not suicide. I wouldnt kill myself. If I did that, then I would miss out on watching him suffer when karma comes around and that's one show I aint gonna miss!


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@ Pit - I've had most of those feelings, including the suicidal ones. I won't act on them because I have kids and won't leave them for anything and the efforts we are making towards R have left only the sleep disturbance and impending doom feelings as the only symptoms I have left. 

@Apple - also a great reason to not think of suicide. Karma will be a [email protected] someday. Oh and I love your sig. I am going to use that the next time we have a setback. Kudos to you.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'd add "nightmares so you real you can taste 'em" to that list. Killer for me... 

My old (pre-DDay) worst nightmare was my wife (and/or child) being physically hurt or abused, and me being bound or otherwise hindered from rescuing them, not able to break through and get to them.

Now, I've started to experience a horrid variation: I see my wife being what appears to be sexually assaulted... I break through and get to her, only to have her grin and turn back toward the 'attacker', wrap herself around him. Even though her A apparently never got sexual, I can never get back to sleep afterward.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes. Me too. All common symptoms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

One poster who wrote about his recovery from an affair (Bestblu1) talked about his battle with these thoughts. He referred to them as the enemy. In one of his posts, he said
_Then the thought came to me that the thoughts and the pictures they were creating in my mind were my enemies. Those thoughts have a mission in my life. Their mission is to destroy me. This was one of those "eye opening" defining moments for me. I can still remember the intersection I was stopped at when I realized this. 

From that day till this, anytime those thoughts come to me of what happened, I recognize the thoughts as an enemy that wants to destroy me. They don't go away immediately but they have way less lingering affect and I am able to move on within a matter of minutes._


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

yeah all those symptoms and more! 
I have a double D Day. I found out 5/7/11 and got an almost plausible denial but not plausible enough for me to let my guard down. Odd comment by wife let me to call suspected OM 2 days ago for second fully confirmed DD.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Riverside - That's a good visualization technique. I like it and will be using it. Thanks.

Had lunch w/my wife and talked about how I was feeling and while it isn't completely gone I do feel better. 

I will be so happy as time passes and this stuff becomes more of a memory than a part of day to day life. Do you think that if our waywards knew how much damage they were doing that they would still do what they did?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> @Riverside - That's a good visualization technique. I like it and will be using it. Thanks.
> 
> Had lunch w/my wife and talked about how I was feeling and while it isn't completely gone I do feel better.
> 
> I will be so happy as time passes and this stuff becomes more of a memory than a part of day to day life. Do you think that if our waywards knew how much damage they were doing that they would still do what they did?


I think they do know how much damage they are causing but it's different for them because they have not experienced the same kind of pain as we have. They've not personally been in our shoes. Anyone can say they understand but unless you've personally experienced it, you can never truly understand. So, yeah, I think they would still do it even knowing the damage done because to them that does not matter, only the moment of what is happening matters. Anything else can be dealt with later so long as they can have their moment.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

iF YOU HAVE SET BOUNDARIES, AND WIFE KNOWS LIMITS/HER BOUNDARIES---THIS SHOULD NOT BE A CONCERN

She shouln't take any contact from him at all---and she needs to tell her friends, he is deleted from her life

If her persists---YOU send him a letter, threatening him with legal action


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Why doom?.....She did things that you never thought she would or could do. You can't trust her any longer. No matter how much you invest in your relationship going forward, she can do it again any time. You have no sense of security in the relationship. Many people here understand.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

...and perhaps you always thought of your family only as a single unit. Even if you decided to take her back, you now know that you need to watch both your family's back and your own back. This is a lesson in life that in the end, you are really alone and you need to look out for yourself. For someone comfortable in a relationship with only thoughts of a future forever together, this is a very scary wake up call. I wish you the best and there are many people here to help.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

All of the emotions listed seem to me to be amplified by anxiety or fear your about to hit again. It can cause a dark spiraling effect that if not checked early can take you to a severely agitated state of fear. I was always non-med type of person. But I found that anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety like xanax taken when the spirals happen (generally when alone with time to think too much like my long drive to work) have helped me find ways to stop the spiral and be much more stable and clear headed. I'm going to see my doctor soon to start cutting back and get off them. Like I told you about the triggers, the same things applies here. When you start feeling this way, talk to your wife and make sure she knows what responses you need to settle down. I think your code word was PTSD.


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## dtparamour (May 7, 2011)

Yep, just posted my own stuff, this is exactly what I'm dealing with now. Oddly it is your story that so resembles mine, and I finally posted. Thanks for sharing, maybe, just maybe the shoes will stop plummeting us, and we can really move forward. Wishful but hopeful thinking. Living in this "new kind of normal" is exhausting.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

this Q/thread shouldve been asked, maybe moved (?) to Spirituality & rel'shps section.

some good advice there as well.

selah.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My feeling of doom come from what I hear so often, which is, "Yes, couples do recover,they can go on together, and it can be better than before, BUT.... There's always that BUT... where before, none of that. It is the lingering questions...

~sammy


How could our most trusted partner treat us so poorly?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

The truth is marriage takes work. The problem is that often we do not find out how much work it takes until it has been shaken up a little bit. When we stop working on our marriage on a regular basis we get complacent and have a tendency to cross certain boundaries. As we cross these boundaries, we slowly enter into a danger zone and eventually become trapped. It is a lot like the frog in boiling water scenario. Sammy3, I imagined your wife (and you too?) started getting complacent with the marriage. She wasn't putting enough work into the relationship and wasn't reaping the rewards of a solid marriage. Someone else comes along and starts making her feel excited again and she entertains the thoughts. At the moment, having those feelings of attraction, lust, etc. are easier to get than actually working on the marriage.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

So they usually jump ship and cheat?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> So they usually jump ship and cheat?


Like an explosion or electric current - they take the easiest route possible.

After what's happened, I'm now of the opinion that marriage is nothing but legal paperwork. The real essence of love is the relationship itself. The understanding, respect and acceptence of two people working together as a team, both aiming towards a common goal (lifelong security and happiness).

The marriage vows or the wedding ring didn't stop my wife.

Ah well, onwards and upwards.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

And N-B, 

How are you? 

I would like to share with anyone who cares to hear, what i heard today,which was,

"View this day as that second chance that you will one day wish for. For this is your time to breathe in opportunity,and take advantage of the gift that is your life and the potential that each of us as an individual holds."

The voice of a 17 yr old. 

~sammy


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I'm better today thank you Sammy3. My wife is at work all day, so I've kept myself busy, weeding the drive, tidying around the house whilst the boys play football (soccer) outside and the little girl says she wants to help me as it's fathers day  so she is brushing the driveway as I finish 
How are you? It's sometimes quite amazing what comes out of the mouth of youth - sometimes they can be right (although I'd never EVER tell my 13 year old daughter that -It'd be a weapon against me for years!) Hope your coping better.

N-B


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Take it to your own thread and copy your post there. There are basic tings you need to feel security and safety with your wife and she has no right to deny them nor does your MC. You cannot begin to heal until she is completely transparent and honest and sweeping thsi udner the rug will not work. If your MC says just get over it, say fine I will - we're done with you!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> @Apple - also a great reason to not think of suicide. Karma will be a [email protected] someday.


:rofl:



Riverside MFT said:


> One poster who wrote about his recovery from an affair (Bestblu1) talked about his battle with these thoughts. He referred to them as the enemy. In one of his posts, he said
> _Then the thought came to me that the thoughts and the pictures they were creating in my mind were my enemies. Those thoughts have a mission in my life. Their mission is to destroy me. This was one of those "eye opening" defining moments for me. I can still remember the intersection I was stopped at when I realized this.
> 
> From that day till this, anytime those thoughts come to me of what happened, I recognize the thoughts as an enemy that wants to destroy me. They don't go away immediately but they have way less lingering affect and I am able to move on within a matter of minutes._


The problem is, that those thoughts never completely go away. Once you know the truth, it stays with you. Those thoughts/triggers/mind-movies/etc. And this is one of the reasons infidelity sucks.



couple said:


> Why doom?.....She did things that you never thought she would or could do. You can't trust her any longer. No matter how much you invest in your relationship going forward, she can do it again any time. You have no sense of security in the relationship. Many people here understand.


Perfectly said.


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