# sex: asking and offering



## NobodySpecial

I get the idea of "initiating". But you here about people asking for (men) or (offering) sex. Is that how it goes for some of you? You have to ASK?


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## honeysuckle

No don't have to ask. If it is going to happen it happens. Whoever initiates it happens. Neither myself or Mr honeysuckle have ever refused an offer of sex.


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## Amplexor

I quit "asking" for sex years ago. It made a huge difference.


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## Accipiter777

We rarely vocalize the need. For us its normal... like a hug, a kiss.


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## Wolf1974

NobodySpecial said:


> I get the idea of "initiating". But you here about people asking for (men) or (offering) sex. Is that how it goes for some of you? You have to ASK?


I don't ask


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## WorkingOnMe

It all depends on how you define "ask".


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## NobodySpecial

Well I have seen it on here. And if he ever asked ... like can I have this thing that only you can GIVE me... I would feel skeeved out. But I have a really hard time with the notion of undersexed marriage. I confess to being more than a bit baffled about how they occur and how any woman can think that their husband is feeling cherished that way. But *I* would not feel cherished either, at least not wanted, desired and important.

I just don't get it.


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## sparkyjim

I think that if you have to ask.... well, speaking from experience - I was in a marriage where sex was the last thing on her mind, and we had to plan sexual encounters... I can count on one hand (in thirteen years) the times when sex just spontaneously happened.

And she never initiated...

Fast forward - I get divorced (no surprise there) and since that time I have dated two women and am now married to a third...

With each partner sex just seemed to always be on the table... no asking, no planning, and a lot of initiation by her...

Which only confirmed my feelings during my marriage that "it's not me..."

Now I feel like it is demeaning to ask.... I just assume that I am going to have sex and if I initiate I clue myself in to her body language. I can tell when she is getting aroused, and I can tell when she just wants affection. The only time she doesn't want to is when she is ill or tired. Also, I am not compulsive about the sex. I know if it doesn't happen today it will definitely happen tomorrow. It is freeing not to put that pressure of "I gotta have it now" on yourself.


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## jld

From what I understand, some women are LD and just aren't interested.

Sometimes the man does not make her feel loved enough. Usually these men get very defensive if you ask them about this. They respond by saying all the things they do for her, but they don't think about how _she_ defines love, what _she_ needs to feel loved. 

A tip off is: "I treated her like royalty," or, "I treated her like a princess." It is all self-justification, not any sincere, humble curiosity, frankly and directly asking her why she is not having sex, and what she needs to be able to have it.

They may set limits, like sex must happen once a week, and their wives comply so as to not lose the marriage. Gosh, that must be tough. They are living under conditions all the time. I wonder how long that can be kept up.

If a man has to go this route, the "conditions" route, and it does not spontaneously spark some desire in the female, after a few months it should probably be called off and the possibility of ending the marriage considered. Sex should be the joyful outpouring of an emotionally strong relationship, not the meeting of conditions, not long term.

These women do not see sex as essential in a marriage. There is not the understanding of how important it is to men. They may be playing with fire by denying, but they do not realize it.

These are just a few things I have learned on this subject since reading about it the last several months. I understand it is not always the woman who is LD, but in most of the stories, it seems to be.


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## ScarletBegonias

Depends on the woman and depends on the man. DH can get away with asking bc his personality is genuinely on the shy cute side and I happen to love that. 
Of course his idea of an ask is standing in front of me with a hand wrapped around his boner while looking all sexy disheveled saying "sexy time baby?" 

If your woman isn't into sex with you no presentation of it will be correct in her mind. She'll always look at you like an oversexed animal who is constantly trying to get in her pants.


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## Giro flee

H doesn't ask me for sex, he usually tells me what we are going to be doing later. He'll tell me he is really looking forward to x, y, or z. Sometimes he'll just linger in a kiss a little longer and give me the look. 

He knows I need time to mentally get in the zone so showing up in bed and saying "wanna have a go?" or grabbing a boob didn't work for us, it needs to be a process. Every now and again he'll initiate without much warm up. I try to never say no, but I have a hard time enjoying sex when I start with a cold engine.


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## Wolf1974

Giro flee said:


> H doesn't ask me for sex, he usually tells me what we are going to be doing later. He'll tell me he is really looking forward to x, y, or z. Sometimes he'll just linger in a kiss a little longer and give me the look.
> 
> He knows I need time to mentally get in the zone so showing up in bed and saying "wanna have a go?" or grabbing a boob didn't work for us, it needs to be a process. Every now and again he'll initiate without much warm up. I try to never say no, but I have a hard time enjoying sex when I start with a cold engine.


This is more how I operate. I will start way early in the day. Maybe a text, can't wait to taste you later or something like that. As the day goes on I will increase that talk or make references to what I liked last time or what I want that night.

When she comes over I will kiss and play with her. She is usually crazy wet by this point. But nope we go to dinner and I keep teasing. By the time dinner is over I'm usually getting jumped in the car on the ride home.


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## Amplexor

jld said:


> From what I understand, some women are LD and just aren't interested.
> 
> Sometimes the man does not make her feel loved enough. Usually these men get very defensive if you ask them about this. They respond by saying all the things they do for her, but they don't think about how _she_ defines love, what _she_ needs to feel loved.


:iagree:



Amplexor said:


> After 20 plus years of marriage and a long drought in the bedroom, she finally came to understand that my desire for sex was an important part of my happiness in the marriage. Her previously high drive had died and I heard many of the same things many do. "I could live without it forever" Well, I can't and won't. She is now and has been since this conversation an engaged and enthusiastic lover. And I have continued to provide her with the emotional attention she desires in our relationship. It is very much a two way street. The difference? I stated my requirements in the marriage. I stopped begging, bartering and moping about them.


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## Married but Happy

jld said:


> Sometimes the man does not make her feel loved enough. Usually these men get very defensive if you ask them about this. They respond by saying all the things they do for her, but *they don't think about how she defines love, what she needs to feel loved*.


This is so very important to understand! My wife's ex thought he knew best and said she "should" be happy and turned on with what he was doing. He was wrong. This kind of arrogance and insensitivity kills desire, and eventually can kill love, too.


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## Chumpless

committed4ever said:


> But he has a way of asking thats very seductive.


Oh, please share!


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## RandomDude

:scratchhead:

I've never asked for sex in my LIFE

I just go ahead, I either see a green, yellow or red light
Both green and yellow I go head... DUH

The fk is with "asking for sex"
I can't imagine how pathetic I would sound if I myself go something like: "hey baby, can we have sex?"
That's like turning your partner off 10x anyway!

So FK THAT, just do it and watch the lights, that's IT!


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## Wolf1974

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> I've never asked for sex in my LIFE
> 
> I just go ahead, I either see a green, yellow or red light
> Both green and yellow I go head... DUH
> 
> The fk is with "asking for sex"
> I can't imagine how pathetic I would sound if I myself go something like: "hey baby, can we have sex?"
> That's like turning your partner off 10x anyway!
> 
> So FK THAT, just do it and watch the lights, that's IT!



:iagree:

I'm also in the category of how the hell do you ask for something like this. Wouldn't know how and can't imagine it's a turn on. Maybe that's where people in sexless marriages go wrong? Hell when the GF comes over to booty call me she doesn't ask either.


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## RandomDude

She expects 

Seriously where's the initiative eh?


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## anchorwatch

Like Amp. I don't have too ask. She understands it one of ENs we need to enjoy a marriage, that we both want. It did take a good bit to get there. Now it just happens, and we both initiate.


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## RandomDude

Men should never ask for sex, women should never offer

That's a rule

A man shouldn't have to beg, he should be desired, a woman shouldn't have to offer, what's the string attached?

Just how it is


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## ScarletBegonias

Asking and offering works in some relationships...typically relationships that are already sexual. 

We frequently ask and offer and it's sexy to us. We also schedule sex to make it a priority. Sometimes we start undressing the other person as a way of telling them we're going to be having sex,right now.LOL 

We do it all.


There is no right and wrong. You do what works.


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## Wolf1974

ScarletBegonias said:


> Asking and offering works in some relationships...typically relationships that are already sexual.
> 
> We frequently ask and offer and it's sexy to us. We also schedule sex to make it a priority. Sometimes we start undressing the other person as a way of telling them we're going to be having sex,right now.LOL
> 
> We do it all.
> 
> 
> *There is no right and wrong. You do what works.*


*
*

Very true. As long as the couple is ok with it then all good. I know for me a scheduled sex day wouldn't work for me and would be a deal breaker. So that works for us


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## RandomDude

Oh come on SB I came from an EXTREMELY sexual past marriage and ASKING/OFFERING IS A PROBLEM! (so is DEMANDING/etc)

Sex/making love should be fking natural not a fking chore or duty or some fking favor!


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## ScarletBegonias

Wolf1974 said:


> [/B]
> 
> Very true. As long as the couple is ok with it then all good. I know for me a scheduled sex day wouldn't work for me and would be a deal breaker. So that works for us


By schedule I mean we know when he gets home from work each day,unless Im sick,I will be naked in the bed waiting.


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## ScarletBegonias

RandomDude said:


> Oh come on SB I came from an EXTREMELY sexual past marriage and ASKING/OFFERING IS A PROBLEM! (so is DEMANDING/etc)


That's you and your ex,RD.Your whole relationship was a dysfunctional drama filled mess.

You cannot tell me what works and doesn't work in MY situation or even for others bc you haven't lived it personally.


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## ScarletBegonias

RandomDude said:


> Sex/making love should be fking natural not a fking chore or duty or some fking favor!


You seem to have a lot of opinions on how relationships should be.There is no set way.No one is right or wrong. 

Who says scheduled sex isn't natural? It simply means Hey,this is important to me and I'm making sure we make time in our day for it instead of constantly overbooking ourselves til we're too tired to connect.


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## RandomDude

As you know my past relationship dynamics, you know how I've experience how scheduled sexual "duties" have been detrimental to my marriage. It's not natural, when one party neglects their own responsibilities to keep the desire alive, and instead demands it.


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## ScarletBegonias

RandomDude said:


> As you know my past relationship dynamics, you know how I've experience how scheduled sexual "duties" have been detrimental to my marriage. It's not natural, when one party neglects their own responsibilities to keep the desire alive, and instead demands it.


Again,who said anything about duty sex? I certainly don't treat sex w/my husband as a duty but I will do every thing I can to make sure we aren't overbooking ourselves and have time for it as often as possible.


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## RandomDude

Then what's with all this "asking and offering"?

These are desperate measures and should be avoided IMO


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## ScarletBegonias

RandomDude said:


> Then what's with all this "asking and offering"?
> 
> These are desperate measures and should be avoided IMO


Sometimes I wonder if you're purposely obtuse just to incite debate and drama.

Either way, I said asking and offering works in some relationships. 

It works for us. "hey baby...what time will you be home? Are we thinking sexy time before dinner or later tonight?"
"ok that movie was hot...it makes me want to blow you,you up for it?"
"I want you to go down on me then f**k me hard."

See,RD? Asking.Offering.Demanding. We love that sh*t so back off.


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## norajane

ScarletBegonias said:


> Asking and offering works in some relationships...typically relationships that are already sexual.
> 
> We frequently ask and offer and it's sexy to us. We also schedule sex to make it a priority. Sometimes we start undressing the other person as a way of telling them we're going to be having sex,right now.LOL
> 
> We do it all.
> 
> 
> There is no right and wrong. You do what works.


We have an inside joke that has turned into a code for sex. "I was thinking of you..." often said with a wink and a kiss. But it works when on the phone or text, too.

It's funny, and fun, for us. 

Asking and offering is only fraught with peril in relationships where sex is an issue, I think. If sex is not an issue, pretty much anything goes.


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## NobodySpecial

ScarletBegonias said:


> You seem to have a lot of opinions on how relationships should be.There is no set way.No one is right or wrong.
> 
> Who says scheduled sex isn't natural? It simply means Hey,this is important to me and I'm making sure we make time in our day for it instead of constantly overbooking ourselves til we're too tired to connect.


Different strokes, maybe? I know scheduling it would make it feel like both a chore and a drudge for me.


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## ScarletBegonias

NobodySpecial said:


> Different strokes, maybe? I know scheduling it would make it feel like both a chore and a drudge for me.


and like I said,no one is right or wrong. It doesn't feel that way to us so it shouldn't be assumed that everyone is the same. That's all I'm saying here. There is no correct answer or formula.


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## ocotillo

jld said:


> They may set limits, like sex must happen once a week, and their wives comply so as to not lose the marriage. Gosh, that must be tough. They are living under conditions all the time. I wonder how long that can be kept up.
> 
> If a man has to go this route, the "conditions" route, and it does not spontaneously spark some desire in the female, after a few months it should probably be called off and the possibility of ending the marriage considered. Sex should be the joyful outpouring of an emotionally strong relationship, not the meeting of conditions, not long term.


I hear you. I could be wrong, but my impression is that when it comes to sex, many (Most?) women resent the ideas of obligation, reciprocity, etc., deep, deep down in the very marrow of their bones at a level that's hard to even put into words. 

I don't believe it works quite the same way for most men, which is probably yet another reason why men and women thoroughly misunderstand each other so often. The idea that my wife would think less of me if I started rejecting her is frankly, a turn-on.


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## RandomDude

ScarletBegonias said:


> Sometimes I wonder if you're purposely obtuse just to incite debate and drama.
> 
> Either way, I said asking and offering works in some relationships.
> 
> It works for us. "hey baby...what time will you be home? Are we thinking sexy time before dinner or later tonight?"
> "ok that movie was hot...it makes me want to blow you,you up for it?"
> "I want you to go down on me then f**k me hard."
> 
> See,RD? Asking.Offering.Demanding. We love that sh*t so back off.


:scratchhead:

That's not exactly asking/offering/demanding... that's called: 
SUGGESTION

Asking = "Can we have sex"
Offering = "I want to have sex"
Demand = "I want sex with you now OR..."


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## ScarletBegonias

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> That's not exactly asking/offering/demanding... that's called:
> SUGGESTION
> 
> Asking = "Can we have sex"
> Offering = "I want to have sex"
> Demand = "I want sex with you now OR..."


To me,my examples are asking,offering,and demanding. To you,asking offering and demanding are different. So we'll never agree on this.


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## Married but Happy

There are benefits to both spontaneous and scheduled sex. Spontaneous is just fun and carefree. Planned allows the anticipation to build, and that works especially well for Mrs. MbH when we plan date nights.


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## Married but Happy

RandomDude said:


> Asking = "Can we have sex"
> Offering = "I want to have sex"
> Demand = "I want sex with you now OR..."


My version:

Asking = "Shall we have sex?"
Offering = "I want to turn you on."
Demand = "I want you NOW!"


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## Faithful Wife

Asking "hey baby, are ya DTF?"

Offering "hey baby, I'm DTF, how about you?"

Demand "hey baby, you better be DTF!"


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## ScarletBegonias

Married but Happy said:


> There are benefits to both spontaneous and scheduled sex. Spontaneous is just fun and carefree. Planned allows the anticipation to build, and that works especially well for Mrs. MbH when we plan date nights.


I love the anticipation building all day!! 

Our weekend sex is totally spontaneous and that's also very fun!


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## RandomDude

Married but Happy said:


> My version:
> 
> Asking = "Shall we have sex?"


No!



> Offering = "I want to turn you on."


Thats nice but...



> Demand = "I want you NOW!"


=/


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## RandomDude

MY version: (and our's - STBX and I's in our glory days)

Asking = *Dressed in nothing but a T-shirt, exposing her legs and errr..*
My response: ... *boner*

Offering = *Flutter* *Flirting* *Sexy comments*
My response: ... *boner*

Demand = All of above but in need
My response: ... *boner*

Boner = SEX

How fking complicated can it get? -.-

BAH!


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## over20

RandomDude said:


> Oh come on SB I came from an EXTREMELY sexual past marriage and ASKING/OFFERING IS A PROBLEM! (so is DEMANDING/etc)
> 
> Sex/making love should be fking natural not a fking chore or duty or some fking favor!


I agree with you. This is ideal in a relationship. A lot of relationships are not at this level though.


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## RandomDude

over20 said:


> I agree with you. This is ideal in a relationship. A lot of relationships are not at this level though.


Well, maybe it's time to exercise abit of relativism =/

I dunno, based on other responses, their bells are rang with a different tone :scratchhead:

Can't understand them really


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## RandomDude

Put it this way FrenchFry...

I'm a man who never asks/offers/demands sex
And I've always had it, throughout my life

Cause quite frankly I have the attitude that *DESIRE* IS PARAMOUNT

I've never once in my life went up to STBX and said "oh hey let's have sex", I've always seduced her all over again, each and every time (or in our golden years - she seduced me)

It could be physical... could be certain words...
Could be an out of the blue gift... a gesture that speaks more than a thousand words... or it could be a tease... playful, seductive...

There was not once in either of our minds that it was a "duty" or "obligation"

Yes this changed over the years, but meh, my standard remains
Quite frankly looking back, it would have been easy for my wife to preserve our marriage from her part


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## anchorwatch

How about considering it an invitation?


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## Chumpless

In a "healthy marriage"...asking should not be required.
Who said "obtuse"? More times than not, when there's two, and one has no clue, it doesn't make for a very balanced emotional connection.


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## Chumpless

Edit.
I'm quoting "healthy" because that's what I meant.


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## pierrematoe

My wife never likes the planned scheduled sex date so to speak because it causes her stress to "do one more thing on my to do list".

Normally I just roll into bed nearly naked and cuddle up tight but as I do recall now most of the times that I technically asked the question, I believe I got turned down. 

Back a few years ago when we were hot and heavy she would come out of the bathroom nearly naked and that was he way of initiating


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## pierrematoe

Married but Happy said:


> My version:
> 
> Asking = "Shall we have sex?"
> Offering = "I want to turn you on."
> Demand = "I want you NOW!"


MBH - Your offering is my standard offer to the MRs


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## SimplyAmorous

Well my husband was as backwards as they come...he is the subtle one, me the overt one.. not one to come on like a freight train by any means... and back in the day.. if he wanted it.. and I didn't jump on board.. he wouldn't ask ....though he has reminded me He'd tell me he wanted to do it and stupid foolish wife that I was .. told him NO.. (when we were dealing with infertility)...me feeling his sperm count would be diminished -if it was nearing that time of possible conception....I had a one tract mind during those years...and needed snapped out of it... this took a hit on his coming on to me.. feeling he would be rejected...

So that really sucks.. and it's my fault.. and his fault too for not causing more of a RUCKUS so I could get SEE & FEEL how I was hurting him... (he downplayed it -never caused a fight once)...I would *not* have had the patience with deal WITH ME...had the shoes been reversed...this I am absolutely sure of... and I have many regrets about those years...


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## rush

ScarletBegonias said:


> Depends on the woman and depends on the man. DH can get away with asking bc his personality is genuinely on the shy cute side and I happen to love that.
> Of course his idea of an ask is standing in front of me with a hand wrapped around his boner while looking all sexy disheveled saying "sexy time baby?"
> 
> If your woman isn't into sex with you no presentation of it will be correct in her mind. She'll always look at you like an oversexed animal who is constantly trying to get in her pants.


That's it there, my wife!


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## Pandakiss

We do "ask" but it's not the actual words can we have sex, sometimes I ask him if he's busy, if he says yes I say are you sure....

I'll say I'm bored and not the least bit tired. 

I'll brush his arm or face. 

I have told him to take off his pants. 

He either takes out his d!ck or just says soooo....

He might say save out (game) or ask how good my book is and toss it on the floor. 

We are putting steak and bj day off until Saturday night. We both know it's gong to happen and we both know sexy clothes and shoes are going to be worn. 

I'm not a mind reader. If you want you d!ck pleased you better speak up. I'm going to tell you to play with kitty. 

Everybody is different. We work this way after years (and I mean years) for conversation about sex and body language and have pretty much short cut the sentence I want sex can we to, "so", "let's play", "we should", "I'm good", "ok". 

For some people this would be a no go. We often talk about it just before we walk through the door, such as, "well I only came home early for one thing", or "hey let's cut this short and get home". 

Sometimes before we leave the house, he will say how bout some fun time before we leave....

For us there is not really a wrong way to ask or tell or start.


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## SimplyAmorous

Pandakiss said:


> *He either takes out his d!ck or just says soooo...*.
> 
> He might say save out (game) *or ask how good my book is and toss it on the floor. *


 I wish my husband would have been* like this* back in the day (gotta love it!).. it sure would have gotten my [email protected]#$

... I was always reading books in bed..and he secretly hated my books.. didn't learn this really until we opened up the sex dialog.. He should have tossed my books on the floor and grabbed me, let me know what he wanted...rubbed up against me hard... He just never wanted me to think it was only about sex....(this is what he told me in hindsight).

Funny...it's perfectly fine if I come on to him like this.. he loves it... He was just never comfortable showing Lusty powerful "*I gotta have you NOW*" type desire to me...



> *For us there is not really a wrong way to ask or tell or start.*


 the way it should be..:smthumbup:... we have come to this place.


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## Caribbean Man

RandomDude said:


> I'm a man who never asks/offers/demands sex
> And I've always had it, throughout my life
> 
> Cause quite frankly I have the attitude that *DESIRE* IS PARAMOUNT
> 
> I've never once in my life went up to STBX and said "oh hey let's have sex", I've always seduced her all over again, each and every time (or in our golden years - she seduced me)


:iagree:

I have never asked my wife for sex or even said the words , 
" can we have sex." It is always just underneath the surface of all of our interactions. Probably one of the advantages of not having kids.

When I was single , I can't remember ever asking that question and meaning it either.
I probably did in in jest , or while toying with a woman. 
I remember I used to drop lines and suggestions randomly at the most unexpected times just to plant the idea of sex in a woman's mind, and then pull back , to create tension.

But the sex always came , and most times they initiated.


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## Sanity

I think in a physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy marriages you should be able to look at your partners eyes, not say a word and both understand that sex will be happening in the VERY near future. If you have to ask for it, it just cheapens it. Frankly I think as a man asking for sex when you are married to somebody you love is just demeaning. This also applies to the females. I just don't think sex should be "penciled in", planned or time set aside. It should be a priority in maintaining marriage just like watering a flower. It's a need.


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## Stonewall

Stonewall no ask......Stonewall grab hair .......drag off to cave.


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## johnAdams

Mrs. John Adams said:


> WE go to bed at night...we turn to each other and begin ...there is no asking ...we just do...and have for 41 years


Yep, We have always done it this way. I have never understood why married couples do not have sex all the time. A man and woman go to bed together and are available, legally, no strings, attracted to each other. Why would you not have sex?:scratchhead: I know we are all different, but, when I sit down for dinner I eat, when I go to bed I have sex


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## karma*girl

Stonewall...I like your style( :
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

Stonewall said:


> Stonewall no ask......Stonewall grab hair .......drag off to cave.


Man after my own heart. I throw over shoulder and carry upstairs


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## pierrematoe

How do you initiate when she's constantly going to bed early or complaining about being tired or the kids or whatever?


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## Wolf1974

pierrematoe said:


> How do you initiate when she's constantly going to bed early or complaining about being tired or the kids or whatever?


Just wake her up........ Early before alarm goes off maybe 

If she says I'm too tired say me too baby.


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## Sanity

Mrs. John Adams said:


> WE go to bed at night...we turn to each other and begin ...there is no asking ...we just do...and have for 41 years


Your husband = blessed.


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## WyshIknew

I suppose we do a bit of both, but more often than not we go to bed, spoon cuddle and badda boom she gets the idea I'm up for it.

The, cuddle and badda boom tend to be quickies, the ones that have been building all day tend to be longer sessions.


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## pierrematoe

I guess my problem is after 18 months it feels weird to initiate. Even if I go up there and start cuddling she's going to give me a face and say "what are you doing? ". That’s a bad sign right?


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## over20

pierrematoe said:


> How do you initiate when she's constantly going to bed early or complaining about being tired or the kids or whatever?


Maybe morning is her time of the day, when she is refreshed? :scratchhead:


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## pierrematoe

*Re: Re: sex: asking and offering*



over20 said:


> Maybe morning is her time of the day, when she is refreshed? :scratchhead:


Thanks O20 but no I've tried that and its a non starter. I'm kinda at wits end.


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## Tess112

It varies and depends on who initiates. 

When he will either say "Hey, wanna have sex?" or he'll come up behind me and start kissing my neck and then move his hands down to grab my ass. 

When I initiate, I will usually just put my hand down his pants while he's sitting on the couch or lay in bed naked and wait for him to come in.


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## over20

pierrematoe said:


> Thanks O20 but no I've tried that and its a non starter. I'm kinda at wits end.


I am so sorry....could anything else be going on? Depression, Stress from work or family/friends/money stress?


Would she seek counsel? :scratchhead:


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## CharlieParker

Giro flee said:


> He knows I need time to mentally get in the zone


My wife has said this, and I get it, but... If you could elaborate, it would be good.


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## 1971

pierrematoe said:


> I guess my problem is after 18 months it feels weird to initiate. Even if I go up there and start cuddling she's going to give me a face and say "what are you doing? ". That’s a bad sign right?



I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you two have lots of problems. You are just room mates, friends not lovers. 

My husband and I are also just friends, we get on really well but with everything that's gone on in our relationship I have ABSOLUTELY NO attraction to him. I've always needed to ask for sex and sometimes even demand it but after all these years I don't want to ask or demand anymore. There is no passion left. * I don't want to have sex with anyone that doesn't want to have sex with me.* I think it's too much work for him, he is very lazy. He did admit the other week that sex has NEVER been a priority for him. One thing I will add, it does get very depressing thinking your SO doesn't want to have sex with you but after reading TAM I have come to realise that I'm not the only female with a husband like mine.


Do you have young children ?


----------



## rush

1971 said:


> I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you two have lots of problems. You are just room mates, friends not lovers.
> 
> My husband and I are also just friends, we get on really well but with everything that's gone on in our relationship I have ABSOLUTELY NO attraction to him. I've always needed to ask for sex and sometimes even demand it but after all these years I don't want to ask or demand anymore. There is no passion left. * I don't want to have sex with anyone that doesn't want to have sex with me.* I think it's too much work for him, he is very lazy. He did admit the other week that sex has NEVER been a priority for him. One thing I will add, it does get very depressing thinking your SO doesn't want to have sex with you but after reading TAM I have come to realise that I'm not the only female with a husband like mine.
> 
> 
> Do you have young children ?


Sounds only to familiar....


----------



## Trickster

I know most people know my story by now...

My wife is very lazy on many levels, especially sex...For 17 plus years, I was always hoping she would change...For most of those first years, she never even had a shower in the evening. She does now...

We never cuddled, never hugged, never showed much affection... I always tried and she was OK being the receiver, she just never initiated...

So several years ago, I let her know we were going to have sex....Then she started to stay longer with our daughter when she put her to bed at night...She even fell asleep next to her every single night...When she finally came to bed, we had sex anyway....

It was a chore for her...totally duty sex..

She avoided any types of affection because she knew that it would lead to sex...

Scheduled sex works best...she needs time to be ready....

She will never dress up, doesn't wear sexy clothes, doesn't wear purfume, doesn't shave her legs all that often. She doesn't wear shorts because then she would have to shave.

She has done everything she can do to turn me off...I am still her husband, and I still have a libido and I still want sex...

She is fine with never having sex...She is OK with sex 2X a month...I want sex 4-5 times a week....for a while She was initiating more often and I liked that...I knew she wasn't in to it. She was just going through the motions...

She recently told me to have sex with other women...We now have an open marriage contract... She knows I may never act on it when it comes down to that...

I do know it's not me...her own sister gets mad at her for never calling her...My wife has no interest, no hobby's, no ambition, no dreams, no goals, hates to clean house, avoids sex, avoids intimacy.... I can go on here...

We have brief moments of good sex until it becomes too often...For me, the more often I have sex, the better it becomes as far as longevity.... She wants it over ASAP every time. Even after I cum, I am ready for round 2. She is done whether she climates or not...

I have no idea about this open marriage krap...

Either way, she wins...

She has a full time job now and now she has another reason to reject sex....She is tired tired tired... I think our sex life is over...She could be mad I made her get a job....

D is just a matter of time...She has an attorney for a sister...There is no money to fight...she will win there as well. I don't want too spend my evenings without my daughter...that would devistate me even more than how I feel now... She uses her for control.

When my wife. Offers, I take it......ALWAYS!

For a healthy marriage, sex should be a given. Shouldn't have to ask or beg and it should never feel like an obligation...that just sucks more than anything in the world...

Have no choice but to accept it...it will never really change... 

We don't fight, argue and we get along just fine most all the time...I just hold it all in now...


----------



## Giro flee

CharlieParker said:


> My wife has said this, and I get it, but... If you could elaborate, it would be good.


I'm very LD, pretty much no D. We have figured out that we need to start sex early in the day. I have a super hard time switching gears so to speak from mom in charge to wife in the bedroom. If H just hops in bed at night and grabs a boob, I can say yes to sex but the chances of me getting into it and enjoying it are very slim. We will be having sex but my mind is still stuck on my kids, elderly parents, finances, pets, schedules, chores, car needs an oil change, baby shower for sis, lesson plans for class, etc, etc. I wish I could be ready at the drop of a hat but I have to consciously stop planning things in my head and concentrate on sexy thoughts to get myself going. 

Now H will usually text me something during the day about what we will be doing that night that he is looking forward to. When he gets home he will be super affectionate, kissing me on the neck, whispering in my ear about what he's going to do with me later. When the kids were smaller he would send me to bed early so I could take a bath to relax and switch gears while he cleaned up and put the kids to bed. Our kids are all teens now but he is still the one to make sure everybody knows mom is "no longer available", pets are taken care of, doors are locked etc. all that crap that I am usually taking care of.

I always feel broken, shouldn't sex be easy? Well it's not for me. Luckily H and I have figured out how to work with what we have, which is fabulous responsive desire once I get my head into it. I'm the one who still wishes I were different, H tries to reassure me that he is thrilled with our sex life but I would love to be HD. I feel guilty that H always has to do foreplay to get me warmed up, I worry that one day he'll get tired of it and go for somebody who is way easier....


----------



## CharlieParker

Giro flee said:


> Luckily H and I have figured out how to work with what we have, which is fabulous responsive desire once I get my head into it.


Thanks for the detailed answer, helpful. After 20 years her drive took a nose dive, we're still figuring out what works for us. Grabbing a boob and just hopping on, while on offer, isn't going to work for the next 20 years. I need to work on making it easier for her and keep those "shopping lists" out of her mind. 



Giro flee said:


> I worry that one day he'll get tired of it and go for somebody who is way easier....


We discussed this the other day, if he's like me just keep doing what you're doing.


----------



## pierrematoe

1971 said:


> I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you two have lots of problems. You are just room mates, friends not lovers.
> 
> My husband and I are also just friends, we get on really well but with everything that's gone on in our relationship I have ABSOLUTELY NO attraction to him. I've always needed to ask for sex and sometimes even demand it but after all these years I don't want to ask or demand anymore. There is no passion left. * I don't want to have sex with anyone that doesn't want to have sex with me.* I think it's too much work for him, he is very lazy. He did admit the other week that sex has NEVER been a priority for him. One thing I will add, it does get very depressing thinking your SO doesn't want to have sex with you but after reading TAM I have come to realise that I'm not the only female with a husband like mine.
> 
> 
> Do you have young children ?


They are not young but still around. Thanks for your input and sorry for the issues you might be having. I'm planning a major Alpha campaign over the next 3 weeks to try and either jump start our sex life or start MC


----------



## 1971

pierrematoe said:


> They are not young but still around. Thanks for your input and sorry for the issues you might be having. I'm planning a major Alpha campaign over the next 3 weeks to try and either jump start our sex life or start MC


I hope it works out for you. Communication is the key.


----------



## treyvion

pierrematoe said:


> They are not young but still around. Thanks for your input and sorry for the issues you might be having. I'm planning a major Alpha campaign over the next 3 weeks to try and either jump start our sex life or start MC
> 
> 
> 1971 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I hope it works out for you. Communication is the key.
Click to expand...

pierrematoe.

I would not plan a "Alpha Campaign" over 3 weeks. I wouldn't say anything for 3 weeks to her while I am starting to work on my plans. A true "Alpha Campaign" takes 3-6 months of work to get you setup right. It's not about being Alpha with her, but Alpha with your life. Your going to do some things outside the house which will make her uncomfortable. It's up to her to give you a good reason to come home and like being home. Her body being in there and treating you badly and not helping out is not good enough reason.

Also, when the relation partner starts acting up, it's good to get them some "competition".


----------



## CuddleBug

NobodySpecial said:


> I get the idea of "initiating". But you here about people asking for (men) or (offering) sex. Is that how it goes for some of you? You have to ASK?



I usually initiated but lately I have not, so my wifee will start initiating, no longer asking me and she is starting to do this. Gets her to take the initiative when she wants sex and I never reject her either.


----------



## over20

CuddleBug said:


> I usually initiated but lately I have not, so my wifee will start initiating, no longer asking me and she is starting to do this. Gets her to take the initiative when she wants sex and I never reject her either.


I am so glad to hear of this CB!! How exciting! :smthumbup:


----------



## pierrematoe

treyvion said:


> pierrematoe.
> 
> 
> 
> I would not plan a "Alpha Campaign" over 3 weeks. I wouldn't say anything for 3 weeks to her while I am starting to work on my plans. A true "Alpha Campaign" takes 3-6 months of work to get you setup right. It's not about being Alpha with her, but Alpha with your life. Your going to do some things outside the house which will make her uncomfortable. It's up to her to give you a good reason to come home and like being home. Her body being in there and treating you badly and not helping out is not good enough reason.
> 
> 
> 
> Also, when the relation partner starts acting up, it's good to get them some "competition".



Thanks Treyvion - I'm pretty Alpha about everything in my life except sex with my wife. I'm in killer shape. I'm a professional who travels for work much of the time and brings down plenty of bacon. I'm confident, self assured and empowered....except with her and sex. With kids you can't go crazy down the 180 path because it's a schedule from hell. 

She starts with the preemptive excuses early on in the afternoon. 

I'm so tired, this was a crazy day, I've got so much to do, I feel bad about __________, my ________ hurts! etc, etc

So if I initiate after one of these, I get the "didn't you hear me blah blah blah"


----------



## treyvion

pierrematoe said:


> Thanks Treyvion - I'm pretty Alpha about everything in my life except sex with my wife. I'm in killer shape. I'm a professional who travels for work much of the time and brings down plenty of bacon. I'm confident, self assured and empowered....except with her and sex. With kids you can't go crazy down the 180 path because it's a schedule from hell.
> 
> She starts with the preemptive excuses early on in the afternoon.
> 
> I'm so tired, this was a crazy day, I've got so much to do, I feel bad about __________, my ________ hurts! etc, etc
> 
> So if I initiate after one of these, I get the "didn't you hear me blah blah blah"


well u know in the old days what a man would do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheJourneyBegins

pierrematoe said:


> Thanks Treyvion - I'm pretty Alpha about everything in my life except sex with my wife. I'm in killer shape. I'm a professional who travels for work much of the time and brings down plenty of bacon. I'm confident, self assured and empowered....except with her and sex. With kids you can't go crazy down the 180 path because it's a schedule from hell.
> 
> She starts with the preemptive excuses early on in the afternoon.
> 
> I'm so tired, this was a crazy day, I've got so much to do, I feel bad about __________, my ________ hurts! etc, etc
> 
> So if I initiate after one of these, I get the "didn't you hear me blah blah blah"


I have the EXACT same situation. Throw into that the fact that my wife has Fibromyalgia. When I initiate early, the discussion of "things to come", she says "Well, we'll see how tired I am....it's a work night, remember". If I wait until we're in bed to initiate, she'll tell me it's too late and I should have let her know earlier and she would have tried to get to bed earlier. I am turned down about 60% of the time, I have never once turned her down when she initiated.


----------



## pierrematoe

TheJourneyBegins said:


> I have the EXACT same situation. Throw into that the fact that my wife has Fibromyalgia. When I initiate early, the discussion of "things to come", she says "Well, we'll see how tired I am....it's a work night, remember". If I wait until we're in bed to initiate, she'll tell me it's too late and I should have let her know earlier and she would have tried to get to bed earlier. I am turned down about 60% of the time, I have never once turned her down when she initiated.



Brother, is this not the most infuriating thing? And I believe we should not have to ever ask, it should be natural, we're married and in bed and in love and we start.

That's just a fantasy in my world.


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## Always Learning

You can call it what you want but it is all the same thing (with the possible exception of demanding).

Asking, Initiating, suggesting, just happens - They are all variations of the same thing.

Walking up behind your spouse, placing your hands on their hips gently kissing their neck while you rub your crotch against their ass is asking, initiating and suggesting or just having it happen. 

The only differences in all of these posts is the transmitter and the receptor of the suggestion, initiation or asking.

We were in a hotel room the other night sitting on the bed. I rolled over and started kissing her on the lips, cheek and neck while I had one arm around her side and back. I was asking, suggesting and initiating or just trying to have it happen. She asked me if I was trying to get fresh with her. In what I thought was a good Alpha answer I said "I'm not trying, I am going to get fresh with you". She replied "I am really tired, I did not sleep well last night, you were snoring". All while pulling the blankets back over her. She then told me "I am not rejecting you, I am just tired".

The transmitter (me) sent the signal, the receptor (her) received the signal. The receptor decided she did not want to act upon the signal and tried to make it my fault reliveing herself of any guilt.
At this point we had not had sex in five months because my transmitter is tired of sending out signals to see if anyone is recieving them.

It's kind of like the scientists who constantly send radio signals into outer space to see if other life forms will recieve them.

Maybe the other life forms just don't use radio signals to communicate.

Oh wait that gives me an idea for a book, Men come from Mars and women come from, uhhhh, where would women come from.


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## ocotillo

Always Learning said:


> She then told me "I am not rejecting you, I am just tired".


--Seems like there was a certain amount of Orwellian double-think in the response.


----------



## pierrematoe

Always Learning said:


> You can call it what you want but it is all the same thing (with the possible exception of demanding).
> 
> Asking, Initiating, suggesting, just happens - They are all variations of the same thing.
> 
> Walking up behind your spouse, placing your hands on their hips gently kissing their neck while you rub your crotch against their ass is asking, initiating and suggesting or just having it happen.
> 
> The only differences in all of these posts is the transmitter and the receptor of the suggestion, initiation or asking.
> 
> We were in a hotel room the other night sitting on the bed. I rolled over and started kissing her on the lips, cheek and neck while I had one arm around her side and back. I was asking, suggesting and initiating or just trying to have it happen. She asked me if I was trying to get fresh with her. In what I thought was a good Alpha answer I said "I'm not trying, I am going to get fresh with you". She replied "I am really tired, I did not sleep well last night, you were snoring". All while pulling the blankets back over her. She then told me "I am not rejecting you, I am just tired".
> 
> The transmitter (me) sent the signal, the receptor (her) received the signal. The receptor decided she did not want to act upon the signal and tried to make it my fault reliveing herself of any guilt.
> At this point we had not had sex in five months because my transmitter is tired of sending out signals to see if anyone is recieving them.
> 
> It's kind of like the scientists who constantly send radio signals into outer space to see if other life forms will recieve them.
> 
> Maybe the other life forms just don't use radio signals to communicate.
> 
> Oh wait that gives me an idea for a book, Men come from Mars and women come from, uhhhh, where would women come from.


Sounds very excruciating Always! Two questions:

1 - Is this the longest drought you've had?

2 - How have you broken out of them in the past?


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## Always Learning

This was not our longest drought. This time two days later we were home and she texted me to come see her upstairs. She was naked waiting for me and we had some fairly vanilla sex. 

The last long drought was about five years ago. It ended after she falsely accused me of having an affair and we ended up in marriage counseling. This was during a 10 year long series of droughts when our kids were younger.


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## over20

Always Learning said:


> This was not our longest drought. This time two days later we were home and she texted me to come see her upstairs. She was naked waiting for me and we had some fairly vanilla sex.
> 
> The last long drought was about five years ago. It ended after she falsely accused me of having an affair and we ended up in marriage counseling. This was during a 10 year long series of droughts when our kids were younger.


Oh my!!


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## pierrematoe

And I thought 18 months was long.......sheesh. You poor tortured soul


----------



## CharlotteMcdougall

My husband doesn't ask me for sex. He will either pounce on me or be gently seductive. When my husband is in the mood, he lets me know by giving passionate kisses, taking my hand and leading me to bed. He also likes to send erotic texts or start to let his hands wander while we are cuddling. 

On our honeymoon, my husband was being unusually sexual and sometimes we made love three times a day. I know that is normal for a honeymoon but it was still a bit much for me. There was one instance where he tried to entice me again and I responded by saying that I needed to go for a walk. When I returned, my husband told me to sit down. He looked deep into my eyes and made this speech: "We are on our honeymoon. We are here to celebrate our marriage and one of the ways I want to do that is by making love. Do *not *to run away again because this week, I have my wife's gorgeous body all to myself. There is no need to run from passion and romance."

Who could say no to that?  For the rest of our honeymoon, my husband continued to have his way with me and it was a great time. I just found all the sex to be overwhelming since we never made love two or three times a day before that. Nevertheless, I didn't think it was appropriate to refuse my husband on our honeymoon, especially after he asserted himself.


----------



## I Notice The Details

We never say those exact words...."do you want to have sex?"...but timing is important in our home. So, we try to "plant the seeds" during the day. I will call her and say... " I have been thinking about kissing your inner thighs all day long...I can't wait until our son goes to bed tonight"

She will usually respond very favorably and look foreword to it, or let me now she has other things that she is focused on for the evening. Likewise, occasionally she will call and leave me very quick voicemails to tell tell me what she is thinking, or wearing at the time. This gets my mind racing with anticipation, and I respond back. We let this erotic energy build during the day. 

Other days, she could be watching her favorite Hallmark channel on TV, and I am very much in the mood...so I will announce that I am going to take a long, hot shower and she is invited if she needs one too. About 90 percent of the time, she surprises me by opening the shower door with some very thin, opaque top on that is quite sexy when wet. Then it is ON.

Other times, it is just a long, deep kiss that gets us going and taking off our clothes.


----------



## Always Learning

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> My husband doesn't ask me for sex. He will either pounce on me or be gently seductive. When my husband is in the mood, he lets me know by giving passionate kisses, taking my hand and leading me to bed. He also likes to send erotic texts or start to let his hands wander while we are cuddling.
> 
> On our honeymoon, my husband was being unusually sexual and sometimes we made love three times a day. I know that is normal for a honeymoon but it was still a bit much for me. There was one instance where he tried to entice me again and I responded by saying that I needed to go for a walk. When I returned, my husband told me to sit down. He looked deep into my eyes and made this speech: "We are on our honeymoon. We are here to celebrate our marriage and one of the ways I want to do that is by making love. Do *not *to run away again because this week, I have my wife's gorgeous body all to myself. There is no need to run from passion and romance."
> 
> Who could say no to that?  For the rest of our honeymoon, my husband continued to have his way with me and it was a great time. I just found all the sex to be overwhelming since we never made love two or three times a day before that. Nevertheless, I didn't think it was appropriate to refuse my husband on our honeymoon, especially after he asserted himself.


The point I was trying to make is, the things you outlined in your first paragraph are all different forms of "asking". The difference is he is comfortable with these forms because he knows he will not get rejected.

If everytime he tried passionately kissing your neck or leading you by the hand to the bedroom, you pushed him away because you knew it would lead to sex, and you wanted to avoid having sex, he would have to change his form of asking. He would try many different forms of asking because he still needs sex. Eventually when all the standard forms of asking have been rejected he would eventually resort to just plain asking.

As I said above it all depends on who is being asked!


----------



## Always Learning

I Notice The Details said:


> We never say those exact words...."do you want to have sex?"...but timing is important in our home. So, we try to "plant the seeds" during the day. I will call her and say... " I have been thinking about kissing your inner thighs all day long...I can't wait until our son goes to bed tonight"
> 
> She will usually respond very favorably and look foreword to it, or let me now she has other things that she is focused on for the evening. Likewise, occasionally she will call and leave me very quick voicemails to tell tell me what she is thinking, or wearing at the time. This gets my mind racing with anticipation, and I respond back. We let this erotic energy build during the day.
> 
> Other days, she could be watching her favorite Hallmark channel on TV, and I am very much in the mood...so I will announce that I am going to take a long, hot shower and she is invited if she needs one too. About 90 percent of the time, she surprises me by opening the shower door with some very thin, opaque top on that is quite sexy when wet. Then it is ON.
> 
> Other times, it is just a long, deep kiss that gets us going and taking off our clothes.


All of the initiation methods that work in this thread, work because the receptor of the signals is a willing participant. When I have sent sexy messages to my wife I get either no response or one that says "please don't send me these e-mails, what if the IT guys are watching my e-mail". So there is no bild of erotic energy. Long deep kisses get cut short with "I am trying to watch this show", or just a tight lipped no response.


----------



## Always Learning

pierrematoe said:


> And I thought 18 months was long.......sheesh. You poor tortured soul


This was not a ten year drought but a series of smaller droughts. It was common to go three to six months with no sex during a ten year period. I never went as long as 18 months in a row.


----------



## I Notice The Details

Always Learning said:


> All of the initiation methods that work in this thread, work because the receptor of the signals is a willing participant. When I have sent sexy messages to my wife I get either no response or one that says "please don't send me these e-mails, what if the IT guys are watching my e-mail". So there is no bild of erotic energy. Long deep kisses get cut short with "I am trying to watch this show", or just a tight lipped no response.


You are right....she has to be a willing and open to receive. I am a big believer in foreplay, and that includes both mental and physical foreplay. When I can get my wife to think about receiving pleasure during the middle of the day, she tends to look forward to it later. Even a great foot massage while she is watching TV can be exciting and turn into something more. Many times, as I am leaving the house in the morning, I will put her vibrator on her pillow to give her the suggestion when she finds it....she always uses it and texts me something sexy later that day.

Just plant the seeds of pleasure in her mind and then water them. It takes time with some people to open up to receiving pleasure. It did with my wife. Hopefully she will be receptive and open to it.


----------



## StayInIt

Due to my husbands work (military) and our toddler, we usually have to schedule sex. I used it initiate early on in my marriage, but it was a major turn off for him and added to the stress he was going through while he was away at school because he felt like I was pressuring him for sex when after an 18 hour day. I learned to take care of my own needs when they arise, so that I didn't have to feel so awful and imposing when I wanted sex. I never ever turn to him for sex when the mood strikes, because 9 times out of 10 he is either gone, sleeping or just turned off by my request. When we do have sex it is usually ok, but since we have had a really rough time in our marriage I haven't been able to get off with him recently. Mind you, I don't turn him down and I am always ready with a hj or a bj as needed. I just am really unhappy in my marriage and I can't make myself get off. I also think I have become habituated to masterbation. But that doesn't mean I deny him- I bet he didn't really want to go to Aghanistan but that is his job, so off he went. Same with sex. I would rather know he left feeling taken care of then denied.


----------



## pierrematoe

Always Learning said:


> All of the initiation methods that work in this thread, work because the receptor of the signals is a willing participant. When I have sent sexy messages to my wife I get either no response or one that says "please don't send me these e-mails, what if the IT guys are watching my e-mail". So there is no bild of erotic energy. Long deep kisses get cut short with "I am trying to watch this show", or just a tight lipped no response.



+1 and my wife says the same thing, but she doesn't work outside the home


----------



## over20

Always Learning said:


> All of the initiation methods that work in this thread, work because the receptor of the signals is a willing participant. When I have sent sexy messages to my wife I get either no response or one that says "please don't send me these e-mails, what if the IT guys are watching my e-mail". So there is no bild of erotic energy. Long deep kisses get cut short with "I am trying to watch this show", or just a tight lipped no response.


I am so sad for you.....:scratchhead: I will never understand wives like this.. I don't know how women like this can live and grow......:scratchhead:....I CRAVE my DH texts, compliments and sweet kisses...it makes me feel desired and desire him.


----------



## rush

Always Learning said:


> All of the initiation methods that work in this thread, work because the receptor of the signals is a willing participant. When I have sent sexy messages to my wife I get either no response or one that says "please don't send me these e-mails, what if the IT guys are watching my e-mail". So there is no bild of erotic energy. Long deep kisses get cut short with "I am trying to watch this show", or just a tight lipped no response.


understand your pain,,,


----------



## NewHubs

My wife was never really good at initiation. It's been mostly me who initiates. She is getting better but I wonder if her Catholic upbringing plays a role into this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I Notice The Details

NewHubs said:


> My wife was never really good at initiation. It's been mostly me who initiates. She is getting better but I wonder if her Catholic upbringing plays a role into this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same her NewHubs....I initiate about 99.9% of the time. Her religious background has played a huge role in her deep feelings about initiating and even being comfortable enough to completely let loose in the bedroom. She still hears an old nun telling her that "good girls don't do this kind of stuff in the bedroom". It is a shame!


----------



## mustangsally

I can't stand it when the Hubby asks for sex. Hold me, kiss me, touch me! "can we fool around?" is NOT foreplay! For women though, I have found that offering a bj is quite effective for getting what I want...


----------



## Always Learning

mustangsally said:


> I can't stand it when the Hubby asks for sex. Hold me, kiss me, touch me! "can we fool around?" is NOT foreplay! For women though, I have found that offering a bj is quite effective for getting what I want...


Does he always ask this way or does hold you, kiss you and touch you. If he does are you mostly willing and enthusiastic?

Has he had to resort to asking because of repeated rejection?
Or he just can't be bothered with the effort of foreplay?


----------



## naiveonedave

Never ask. Tell or start doing and don't take slight push back as no. Make her say no. then walk away and go do something and ignore her for awhile. MMSLP really helped me here, I used to ask, now I just do....


----------



## weightlifter

Amplexor said:


> I quit "asking" for sex years ago. It made a huge difference.


Weren't you the one whose wife had an affair? Or was it another mod?


----------



## melw74

We never ask one another for sex..... we both know when one of us wants it.... For us its Quite obvious....

We have been known to talk about it, say in the afternoon my husband will say something, and i will know we will be having it that evening...

I also never turn my husband down if hes up for it, just like its the same for him.


----------



## thatbpguy

NobodySpecial said:


> I get the idea of "initiating". But you here about people asking for (men) or (offering) sex. Is that how it goes for some of you? You have to ASK?


I am the husband. 

I take what I want.


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## TheCuriousWife

I always have to ask. >.<

Actually this thread has inspired me to try to initiate without words. I'll give that a try next week, and see what happens.


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## SadSamIAm

I think initiating is asking. 

I think texting sexy things during the day is asking. 

There is no way of avoiding asking. 

You need to make your wants known in some way.

People that are rejected often by trying many different ways of "asking", might end up just asking (verbally) for sex. 

It is unattractive, but it can also be a bunch easier than putting in a bunch of effort (asking in other ways) only to get rejected anyhow.

People who verbally ask for sex are typically trained that way by a spouse who rejects them too often.


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## TheCuriousWife

SadSamIAm said:


> I think initiating is asking.
> 
> I think texting sexy things during the day is asking.
> 
> There is no way of avoiding asking.
> 
> You need to make your wants known in some way.
> 
> People that are rejected often by trying many different ways of "asking", might end up just asking (verbally) for sex.
> 
> It is unattractive, but it can also be a bunch easier than putting in a bunch of effort (asking in other ways) only to get rejected anyhow.
> 
> People who verbally ask for sex are typically trained that way by a spouse who rejects them too often.


:iagree:

Wow. Totally spot on.


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## DvlsAdvc8

I don't think I've ever asked. I flirt and touch, escalating to increasingly sexual contact. If she brushes it off or gives excuses... that's it. She's not even allowing herself to be intimate and let me pull her along.

And if that's how it goes all of the time, as it did in my marriage, I'm going to get tired of pulling a dead weight.


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## vellocet

Amplexor said:


> I quit "asking" for sex years ago. It made a huge difference.


I quit "asking" and initiating when I was married too, after being rejected on a continuous basis.
So she decides to cheat because I got tired of being rejected:scratchhead:

But it did make a huge difference. Got divorced, now she is with someone that cheats on her.


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## DvlsAdvc8

vellocet said:


> But it did make a huge difference. Got divorced, now she is with someone that cheats on her.


You were doing it wrong! Just look at all the fun you could have had.


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