# Rebound / Transitional relationships



## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

I've just come out of a relationship with a man who was going through a divorce. We got very close very quickly.

From what I've read and been told here, it is almost always a transitional / rebound relationship if you are the first person a divorcee (or someone going through a divorce) dates.

If you have been in this situation I would be interested to hear what happened to your relationship. Did it last? How long? Can people really fall 'in love' so soon after splitting up with up with their spouse?

Any information you care to share is welcome. Thank you.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

I'm sorry you've been through this. It must be tough for you to have been on the receiving end of a rebound. 

I had 2 serious relationships, 2 rebounds afterwards. I'm sorry but it won't work, and can't work. Someone coming out of a relationship needs to sort themselves out seriously for a good 12 months before they are any good to anyone.

The 2 rebounds I had, after a month I regretted it. I didn't know what I was after because I hadn't processed the breakup properly yet. I hadn't worked out who I was and what I needed in a new partner.


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

Deep Down said:


> I'm sorry you've been through this. It must be tough for you to have been on the receiving end of a rebound.
> 
> I had 2 serious relationships, 2 rebounds afterwards. I'm sorry but it won't work, and can't work. Someone coming out of a relationship needs to sort themselves out seriously for a good 12 months before they are any good to anyone.
> 
> The 2 rebounds I had, after a month I regretted it. I didn't know what I was after because I hadn't processed the breakup properly yet. I hadn't worked out who I was and what I needed in a new partner.


Thanks for your kind words DeepDown. How long did relationships last? And did you feel love and/or attachment for the person you were dating?


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

What about people who had a long relationship (6 months or more) with someone right after or during a divorce?


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

happybut... said:


> Thanks for your kind words DeepDown. How long did relationships last? And did you feel love and/or attachment for the person you were dating?


Hi Happy, my rebounds? First one, I was 20, and fell madly in love with a guy, about 3 weeks after breaking up with my fiance. I thought he was the one for me, and that he was wonderful. After about 3-4 weeks, I didn't know what I'd seen in him. Felt terrible about that.

When my xH and I broke up, I was SO needy, had been neglected for years. I met a guy from a dating thing (before internet sites, I think it was in the local paper). Wasn't impressed to start with but he did his damndest to woo me. Would do things for me, clean my car, make dinner for me, etc etc. then found out about 1 month in that he had 2 other girls he did this with! I had been a sucker! A bit like your x-guy, needed to be getting the reassurance that 3 girls thought he was wonderful. 

I realised that I had issues at this point, so went back to the MC alone to sort myself out. Took me 10 years to find the wonderful (although flawed!) man I'm married to now. It was 10 years of work on me that it took too. 

Sounds like you're a really lovely woman who deserves a loving man. You'll find him.


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

Deep Down said:


> Hi Happy, my rebounds? First one, I was 20, and fell madly in love with a guy, about 3 weeks after breaking up with my fiance. I thought he was the one for me, and that he was wonderful. After about 3-4 weeks, I didn't know what I'd seen in him. Felt terrible about that.
> 
> When my xH and I broke up, I was SO needy, had been neglected for years. I met a guy from a dating thing (before internet sites, I think it was in the local paper). Wasn't impressed to start with but he did his damndest to woo me. Would do things for me, clean my car, make dinner for me, etc etc. then found out about 1 month in that he had 2 other girls he did this with! I had been a sucker! A bit like your x-guy, needed to be getting the reassurance that 3 girls thought he was wonderful.
> 
> ...


Thank you Deep Down. Glad you finally met the right one! 

I am mid/late 30s and most single men in my age group in my area are divorced. So I'm trying to figure out what's a healthy relationship and what's not.

Also curious, if anyone here reads this, what is REALLY going on inside the head/heart of someone who is rebounding. Anyone here been that person? Someone who flung themselves headfirst into a big new relationship right out the gate of their marriage. Do you feel in love at the time, but realized later on down the line it's not real?

I've been with two men now who were both recent divorcees (well the last one was in the process of divorcing) and they both seemed head over heels and said they loved me. NOt sure what that was about now.


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I would agree with Deep Down. While my experience is very minimal from back when I was in college, I ended up in one of these relationships after my long-term GF broke up with me. For the person rebounding:
> 
> *1. They do not know how to be alone.*
> 
> ...


Thanks BadSanta 

That was very enlightening. Interesting analogy about the oxygen mask. 

Was the woman you rebounded with someone who you would not typically pick both from a physical and emotional perspective?

When men start to heal and feel more normal, what if the woman they are now in a relationship is very compatible with them and a woman they are very physically attracted to - appearance and chemistry. Or does that not make much difference?

Thanks again. That gave me great insight.


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

Haha, you're right. That did make me laugh.


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

Rebounds can work it depends on the other persons state of mind
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

A successful relationship doesn't have to last forever.

It just needs to make each other happy, and serve it's purpose.

Rebound relationships aren't necessarily bad things. They can bring you forward in life, even if it's just realizing what you don't want.


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

marduk said:


> A successful relationship doesn't have to last forever.
> 
> It just needs to make each other happy, and serve it's purpose.
> 
> Rebound relationships aren't necessarily bad things. They can bring you forward in life, even if it's just realizing what you don't want.


Totally agree with this. No doubt about it. My last relationship was one year and although it did not last, I would not change a thing. 

That said, what if you date someone who is straight out of a 10 year marriage, ie, they are totally not realistically ready to date because they are 'using you to hide from the pain, because they can't be alone and you are filling a void etc etc, BUT despite all that, the relationship is great nonetheless. When they finally start to heal and see the world through new eyes, does it mean the relationship might well be doomed just for the very fact the man has transitioned through your relationship and he now needs time away to be free and grow etc. Or can it be that although you were the crutch that got them through the transition, the relationship can still be healthy and continue? 

I ask because most of the men I meet now online and in person are all either recently divorced or divorcing. That's waht happens when you get back out there later in life.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

My rebound after my marriage ended was 6 months long. 

Just long enough for me to realise that I could feel. It was great.


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

lovesmanis said:


> My rebound after my marriage ended was 6 months long.
> 
> Just long enough for me to realise that I could feel. It was great.


Thanks Love Manis.

Why did your relationship end after 6 months? Thanks for sharing.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Most rebounds don't last but some do. 

I met current GF when we were each at the tail end of our divorce process which was 1 year after separation for me and 6 months for her. 

I was worried about it ending then but now, 1 1/2 years later, we're still going strong. 

I think we both had the right perspective and expectations going in and just let it go where it went.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You don't focus on where their heart is ... because they don't know. They can't know.

You focus on yours.

I've been a rebound about a half dozen times. The important thing? I knew it. Had no intention of being a soul-mate. I was indeed their 'soft landing' from having their heart broken.

I had no issues with it.

They got to talk through their stuff.

Got the benefits of positive communication, no judgement, and no fear to be who they wanted to be, rather than who their former partners wanted them to be.

And they got the sex.

I thought it was all very selfless of me ...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Rebounds can be tricky. You tend to want to be in a relationship, so may not be as careful as you would otherwise, ending up making poor choices. There is also the reality that it is highly unlikely that the first person you date will be a good match. Odds improve after dating a variety of people and you "recalibrate" your picker.

If you meet up with someone also on a rebound, you can agree that this it can be an intense fling, but not likely to last. Then you can both enjoy what it is, and eventually move on without regret.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

badsanta said:


> I was made fun of for posting this once, but a healthy relationship is based mostly on friendship, a great deal of mutual respect, and last but not least, attraction. When I was young I noticed that if I binged very heavily on masturbation, that afterwards most girls would appear very unappetizing and even annoying. I met one girl that I still enjoyed being around after masturbating excessively, it revealed a true underlying friendship and respect. Today that girl is my wife and I enjoy our relationship more and more each day for what has been over 20 years.
> 
> I think Cletus here on the forums referred to this technique as "mate selection through ejaculatory excess" and joked I should write a book about it.
> 
> ...


Did you get that idea from There's Something About Mary? LOL


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

My 'rebound' and I just spent our second Christmas together with our families. Boxing Day my parents sat on the porch after dinner while we washed the dishes together, reliving our kayaking and diving adventures of the day and teasing each other. When we came out my mum stood up with tears in her eyes, hugged him and said "thank you, I haven't heard her laughing like that since she was a little girl". 

We are an odd couple - rebound, racial difference, age difference (I'm older), cultural difference and we were long distance for 9 months. We got together just 3 months after my split, I was a terrible mess. As a muddled attempt to find comfort yet protect my heart I'd suggested a one week FWB, as he was leaving town for my home city, and though I liked him it seemed an improbable match. But we talked so honestly, went out had as much fun out of bed as we did in it, that when he left he phoned every night and we'd talk for hours. Visit each other every few weeks. 

I think that long distance time, and the several months following my move back to the city into my own flat gave us time to cement a real friendship and really get to know each other at our best and worst. I maintained I couldnt have a serious relationship, as I knew I was in danger of rebounding and didnt want to hurt him. He was serious from the start and in his words "gambled on it that you'd come around and stop fighting it". 
But now 18 months in we still click in our temperaments, chemistry and outdoor interests. And we are both learning to actually address and resolve issues, communicating properly for the first time ever - we are growing a beautiful relationship. Who would've thunk it?? 

We really enjoy a laugh about being an odd couple, although no-one seems to really notice when we are together. His mother actually told me he'd said "she's the one for me, mum" right from the start. I sure find his certainty comforting! I had none for over a year.

I'm glad I resisted getting serious at first - though he enjoyed the chase - I needed time to grieve, find forgiveness and heal beyond my marriage. He knew the ugly truth of my marriage break up all along and he totally supports me, but not my bull$hit, it's refreshing. 

...So...my rebound? Yes I love him. Yes we are considering our future together. Was it chance or divine intervention that he was the first person I got with, and he happens to be a great match for me? It took a long while for me to see that and trust my feelings about him. I'm aware it could have been very different. Just guard your heart and ride the roller-coaster if you are considering dating someone just out of a marriage or serious relationship.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I met my gf online (OKC) about 2 months after I separated from a nearly 20 year marriage. 
We messaged and then phoned and really got on well but there was a slight problem of 400 miles between us, meeting for a quick coffee half way wasn't an option. She asked if she could come and visit and our first date lasted a week! 
We have been together for 15 months now and it is still wonderful, we're trying to work out how to make a LDR into moving in together. 
The things that made it work initially were that I had had some years grieving the loss of a marriage before separating and we had both come from very similar marriages which helped us understand each other. 
One thing about the LDR is that you do get the time alone to get used to being independent again. 
I wish you luck, it can happen but the odds are against it.


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

Thanks GumTree and WonkyNinja, Those were both really inspiring stories! You give me hope! Thanks for sharing. Do either of you or your respective new partners have kids? 

Bad Santa, I totally relate to what the comedian said. Who was that?!

Thanks also MBH, Ceejo and Deejo. That was very eye-openign and real. I had a similar relationship myself and it definitely was positive and served a purpose. I was probably on the rebound myself in retrospect.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

happybut... said:


> Thanks Love Manis.
> 
> 
> 
> Why did your relationship end after 6 months? Thanks for sharing.



It ended because we had both got what we needed out of the relationship and knew that our feelings for each other were just crutches. 

We all need the rebound. It helps us reflect and grow and heal.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My mom and my step dad started seeing each other as they were both going through their divorces, first new relationship for each of them. They were married 29 years, my mom just recently passed. So it CAN happen!


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I had a co-worker who met his now fiance 4 months after his divorce. They've been together for 15 years. They are getting married this year. It does happen but I'm sure many just need the rebound to get their sh*t together.


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## happybut... (Dec 28, 2014)

Typically speaking, if you are in a rebound relationship where you both fall in love and tell each other you love each other etc, is this slightly different from the ones that are using the relationship as a crutch. OR do even the ones that are crutches end with people exchanging ILU's and genuiney believing it and meaning it?

I am just confused if all the rebound relationships people talk about our purely based on sex, blocking out pain, someone to be with companionship etc, OR do they often get into the ILU stage and still ultimately fail?


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