# Preparing to leave



## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

I deleted my previous thread over fear it would be discovered. I realise now that this was a fine example of how I live my life. In secret, always nervous.

A couple weeks ago, I tried to have 'the talk' with my wife. We've been together ten years, married five, and I don't think we've ever been truly happy. Within about 3 months of dating, she was angry with me all the time. Sex disappeared for months and re-emerged only sporadically (once or twice a year now, I'd say). I became afraid of her anger and, as a result, stopped wanting to have sex. She became frustrated with me and got angrier. Neither of us was ever really happy.

When we married, I think we were trying to solve our problems. It didn't work of course. Two days after the wedding, she was giving me the silent treatment and I was scared to go near her. We had a good honeymoon but it quickly reverted to form and she very nearly left me 6 months later. We had couples counselling and the extent of her resentment (even in the early days) became clear.

The last 4 years, things have just sidled on by. Calm, storm, calm, storm... I've never really felt relaxed or in control. She subtly controls everything in our lives, claims to wish I would be more active, but complains when I take initiative and get things 'wrong'. I don't feel like I've ever really been myself since we got together.

A couple weeks ago, I told her how unhappy I was and that I wasn't sure we should be together. She seemed completely shocked by this - a part of me expected her to be relieved - and after a couple of days of tears and fighting, we're more or less back to normal. I don't know why she wants me to stay when almost everything I do irritates her. Perhaps she likes having someone to control.

It's almost impossible to articulate the way she manipulates me, or how I allow myself to be manipulated but I have come to the realization that if I don't leave now, I will feel like crap forever. I'm sure she'll be happier too when she gets over the shock of me leaving. There are other factors too, but there's no point going into them just now.

I think I need to just pack a bag, tell her I'm leaving and go stay with a friend. The rest we'll work out in due course.

The thing is though... I'm absolutely terrified.


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## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

Other relevant information that I left off:

- When I said I was unhappy, she suggested therapy. I had therapy for three years and I know that the source of my unhappiness is the relationship itself. That's the thing keeping me feeling trapped and lonely, unable to be myself.

- I had an emotional affair two years ago, the first time I tried to leave my marriage. The EA is now over, though I find myself having another one. I fear that if I don't leave, I will end up consumating one of these EAs and that will be a worse way to end things.

- My wife was very ill for the last three years. Part of the reason I stayed two years ago was to look after her.


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## Jonas (Jul 27, 2013)

This sounds a lot like my situation. If you have the time, find my thread and read it. Our situations and dynamics with our wives is so similar it might help you to read it. 

Ok. Advise: I'm going to try not to skip anything and just tell you to the conclusion that I've reached. 

1. Immediately read "No More Mr Nice Guy". It's free. http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

2. Order a copy of Athol Kay's book: the married man sex life primer. This will become your bible. Read it, implement it, rinse and repeat. 

3. Get yourself into some individual counseling ASAP 

4. Start a journal - separate from this thread. Try to make your posts here as crisp, short, and readable as you can. I lost a great deal of support from this forum because I made extremely long rambling posts and I also failed to follow the advice I've given to you above for a full year. 

5. Make a pros and cons list. ON PAPER! pros and cons of staying married and then a separate list for pro and cons of getting divorced. And then ask yourself who is the benefactor of each pro. Who is the victim of each con. 

6. If you find yourself questioning reality and wondering if all this "unhappiness" is just in your head, then start using your smartphone (or a dedicated VAR) to start recording interactions with your wife. Then go back and listen. Is the dynamic REALLY as bad as you thought? If not, then proceed to therapy and figure out what's going on with YOU that is making you unhappy. If yes, then this should make you feel better about how you are feeling and at least you know that you aren't crazy.

The married man sex life primer is KEY. Order it immediately. I'm not joking. 

Keep posting here. 

Also, do you have any kids?


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## Jonas (Jul 27, 2013)

Scratch #3. I see now that you've been in IC for 3 years. 

By the way, the books I've recommended are not necessary meant to "save your marriage", although under the right circumstances, I think they can. If you've already come to the conclusion that your marriage is too far gone, then the books will simply open your eyes and provide a framework for you to become a better person yourself - and frankly, how to avoid getting into another whacked out relationship once this one is finally over. 

Another piece of advice if you are considering moving out. Speak to an attorney before you do anything. There are a million ways that you can legally paint yourself into a corner and leaving the marital home is one of them.


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## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

Thank you so much, and apologies for the lack of response.

After a few days of this 'back to normal' charade, I finally plucked up the courage to leave. I packed a bag and went away to get some space. It's been a couple of weeks now and we've had a conversation in which I told her I didn't want to come back. She initially took it quite well and didn't seem surprised.

Since then, she has been emailing me with two entirely different sets of messages. One telling me to take responsibility and that she'll be fine without me, and another telling me to reconsider and apologising for neglecting my needs all this time.

I've had so much support and validation about the controlling behaviour that I can finally believe it was really true. I wondered if it was in my head but now that others have told me they'd seen it all along, I feel more and more sure I made the right decision.

It's sad and I'm filled with guilt, but the sheer act of walking away and protecting myself has already given me such a new sense of freedom. There's lots more to be done, but the hardest step has been taken.

Thanks for reading.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You should leave permanently. We had a secretary in my office who is very much like your wife. Her husband would bring her lunch to the office and she would treat him horribly in front of other people in the lunch room. She controlled her husband. She terrorized our office. Her husband divorced her. She turned out to have a bipolar personality. She eventually left our office and we were all very glad. Don't be a victim, walk away. Your life will be a nightmare with your wife.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

laser-monkey said:


> A couple weeks ago, I told her how unhappy I was and that I wasn't sure we should be together. She seemed completely shocked by this - a part of me expected her to be relieved - and after a couple of days of tears and fighting, we're more or less back to normal.


It won't last.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Not to be a jerk or sarcastic, but I just don't understand why you two would've married to begin with.

The main ingredients - love, compassion, caring, understanding, lust - all of the ingredients for a really good marriage seem to never have been there.

Lenzi is right (IMO). It won't last. Cut the losses, but PLEASE don't engage in the bitter hatred thing...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I kind of wonder about the seriously ill part... Certainly no love lost between OP and his partner, but some people don't take illness well.

In broad terms are we talking life threatening, lifestyle induced, stress induced, etcetera. It's not quite as simple as one thinks.

If you want to go your separate ways by all means do so but find some closure. If you split and have unresolved issues you'll repeat this exact story. As will she.


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## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

lenzi said:


> It won't last.


It didn't last. It wasn't real - I only mentioned it because I was angry about it and wondering how to progress when my words had seemingly been buried and forgotten. Anyway, I'm out now and I'm not going back.


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## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Not to be a jerk or sarcastic, but I just don't understand why you two would've married to begin with.
> 
> The main ingredients - love, compassion, caring, understanding, lust - all of the ingredients for a really good marriage seem to never have been there.
> 
> Lenzi is right (IMO). It won't last. Cut the losses, but PLEASE don't engage in the bitter hatred thing...


I was talked into marrying. It's a strange thing. Once the ball was rolling, I found it harder and harder to back out. I don't know if you've ever lived with someone who controls you with anger, but it usually feels easier to do what they say, even if you know logically that it's making things harder in the long term.

Those ingredients were there, but they were unbalanced. I guess I just wanted it to work. Anyway, I'm done now. I'm out and I'm safe, and I'm not going back.

There's no hatred or bitterness from me. I feel lighter and freer than I have for a long time, and truely hope she's going to find a happy ending to her story. Someone out there can give her what she needs without giving their entire self away. That person isn't me. I'm cool with that.


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## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

john117 said:


> I kind of wonder about the seriously ill part... Certainly no love lost between OP and his partner, but some people don't take illness well.
> 
> In broad terms are we talking life threatening, lifestyle induced, stress induced, etcetera. It's not quite as simple as one thinks.
> 
> If you want to go your separate ways by all means do so but find some closure. If you split and have unresolved issues you'll repeat this exact story. As will she.


Yes to life threatening, and probably yes to lifestyle and stress induced.

Actually the illness brought us closer together during the worst parts. I felt useful, and needed - and I was. I just wasn't especially wanted, or desired, and continue not to be.

Thanks for the advice on closure. I'm not carrying any resentment away from this relationship. I don't see those years as lost, because there were plenty of good times and I've learned a lot. I'll enjoy the happy memories but I won't be fooled by them like I used to be. She's a good person, just no longer right for me.


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