# 5 year marriage, falling apart.. can't get past our past.



## mhpianalto (Sep 1, 2010)

Hello! I am new to the site..and need help and don't know what to do. I am 23 years old, two days younger than my husband. We have been together for 5 married for 4 years. Have a 3 year old daughter. We recently (for 2 years..) moved 4 hours away from our family, friends, ect to start "our" life.
Everything has been going fine until my husband started his new job almost a year ago. His boss and family are rich, 'happy' have the perfect life. We were okay struggling to survive, we're young and we enjoyed learning life from the bottom up, until this.
Now we've been fighting over fiances. We chose for me to stay at home with our daughter until she started school. Now, thanks to his boss, we have to fill in a $400.00 gap in money each month, meaning I need a job.My job hunting has turned up a dead end, which I am obsessing over day and night, to the point I know its ruining my days! I am not giving my housewife duties the time they need because I'm too busy filling out applications online. So I guess I am on edge too. He works a lot of hours, so he's right there with me.
So tonight, we get into a fight. 2 days after our 4 year anniversary. He doesn't communicate well AT ALL. So our fight-- Its bad. Its not physical and its not around our daughter so no worries there. BUT it gets to the point that he says "if you don't like it, get out. We struggle because I have to pay for pointless things like sattelite, internet, your cell phone and your gas." Through genetics, I have this problem that when confrontation shows itsself, I get... defensive. I try anything to cut deep, words are my strong suit, which gets me into more trouble than its worth.. so I am at fault, I admit it.
So whats next? What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to leave? He is not the same person as when I married him, neither am I. I truly do not believe we are happy anymore, but we both know we are meant to be together. 
We both CAN be happy, but we can't get past our past to move on! We can't give up, I don't want to leave, but maybe we need a break? I truly believe that no marriage should ever take a break! You're either in it, or your not. 
What can we do? I need some advice..please.

Thank You


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I see nothing in there that sounds like a past issue that you two are dealing with. It seems it's mostly finances and poor communication that has you two in this predicament. 

$400 is a massive shortfall. The two of you need to sit down and calmly discuss how to solve this. When my ex and I were together, we agreed I'd be a sahm. When we needed additional income, we discussed and came to the conclusion that we wanted to stick with that and that he would get a second job to make up the difference. There were several reasons behind that decision, not the least of which being the cost of daycare if I went to work. 

There may be unnecessary expenses in there. He may be right on that. The two of you need to go over the bills and figure out what you do and don't need. A cell phone for you may not be required. If you are a sahm, and have a landline phone, and you don't go out much, a cell phone may not be something you really need, although it's nice to have. You may find that one car is enough. You can grocery shop and such on the weekends or after he gets home in the evening, and maybe even go together (which could bring you closer together if you enjoy that time together), you could take his cell phone with you then, and if you need a car while he's at work (for a dr. appt or something), then you take him to work and pick him up that day. 

If you both agree that you're not going to cut expenses and you need to find an income, there are other options you can check into to at least get through until something comes through in the way of an actual job. You could check into babysitting in your home. If you are very talented in one particular academic area (english or math or something), you might be able to get into some kind of tutoring. Both would get you some extra income, and neither would interfere with your household and family duties. 

Lastly, if you both agree that you need to get a job, you'll want to consider working opposite shifts to save on daycare costs. 

As for your problem with saying hurtful things...that's not genetic, that's something that makes you feel better in the moment, so you do it. You might have learned it from your parents, but it's not genetic. And you can change it. I used to have a major temper, but over time I learned to control it and to react more appropriately to an argument. You just need to learn to think before you speak, and to take some deep breaths and wait when you want to say something hurtful.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You can make it work if you are willing to do what it takes. If not, then it won't. Financial situations are part of life, not just marriage. So is forgiveness. Make a decision to do what's best, make sacrifices with your electronics, etc., whatever it takes to get you through.

Best,

Lyn


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