# porn...that old chestnut again...



## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

I have posted before about my husband having a porn habit that really bothered me, I won't go into detail again but I felt it caused closeness problems in our marriage...anyway it all came to a head and we talked things through, he said porn wasn't as big a part of his life as I imagined it to be, and we agreed to work at getting closer. Anyway things improved a lot both in and out of the bedroom, but recently I found hotel receipts from last week and the week before when he'd been working away, both times he had paid for a porn film. I'm meant to be taking both kids to a show this weekend and I'm dreading going, he will have the house to himself and I'm obsessing that he will spend the whole time looking at porn! I honestly wish I didn't care about it, things have been great the past few months and I don't want to bring it up but I know I won't be able to help myself...
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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

PW your computer...better a porn film tho, instead of live action.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Is he invited to the show? Maybe ask him to come with you make it a family day? 

My husband gave me the same attitude that I was making into a bigger deal than it really was. But IMO if its a big deal to one in the marriage then it needs to be addressed. If you started giving him that same speech about other things he felt was an issue bet your butt he would have a problem with it.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

PW? What's that? I know what you mean...I'd rather he watched porn than hooked up, but he tells me its just cos he's bored and doesn't even bother masturbating when he watches it half the time. What's that about?
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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

He can't come to the show, we have only three tickets. I did consider pretending to be sick and asking him to take them! That's a bit desperate tho...
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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

honkytonkwoman said:


> PW? What's that? I know what you mean...I'd rather he watched porn than hooked up, but he tells me its just cos he's bored and doesn't even bother masturbating when he watches it half the time. What's that about?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


pw=password.
If you can't add a password or think he might figure it out then take the power cable. 

And it my start with just boredom but can escalate to when he feels stressed, alone. Or whatever. Soon he could be turning to porn instead of you when he has any of those feelings. Not saying this is a definite but it happened in my marriage. After a while my husband was viewing porn all the time even when i was home. He was masturbating 4+ times a day but we would maybe have sex 1x a week. He was doing it when he was mad, sad, lonely (which is ironic cause doing that made me lonely), bored, stressed etc you get the idea.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

He is the I.T. guy in our house...needless to say his account is the one that's password protected! I know he's watching out of boredom and Loneliness, he's always telling me how fed up he gets when he has to stay away.
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## ncooke (Nov 4, 2011)

I didn't see your original post about this, but if you're going through receipts and obsessing over leaving him home alone, then the problem is *yours*, not his.

What exactly is the problem caused by him watching porn?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Porn in my past was directly related to not coming to a middle ground in sex drive with my wife and not enough variety or getting my fantasies met... we only managed roughly monthly. My wife for instance never would like BJ's which I would love and never finished one . I liked watching girls get a nice BJ on or in them. I guess I was just missing that from my wife.

I went through a period of collecting major amounts but I never re watched any of them. I preferred seeing new young looking adult girls going through the act even though I was significantly older than them. I liked watching the nastier scenes .I guess I was a porn hoarder. I would have preferred great sex with my wife but I guess I felt it would never improve so turned i turned to mostly free porn. It was an empty experience I guess thats why I never watched mu collections. Only new girls did anything for me.

I recently decided to forgo all porn. I want to give all my sexuality to my wife. I told her we needed more sex... so I hope we start soon with more sex. I personally think porn is wrong for a guy to watch... I think it caused problems in my marriage. I got better and don't miss it at all. Although I still am waiting for my sex life to get better after my wifes disconnection two ears ago. We are getting better now.

I was pretty deep in the collecting for years. What a waste of time and sometimes significant money!
I really just want sex with my wife!

Are you giving him enough sex and enough variety? My guess is no.


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## ncooke (Nov 4, 2011)

No. Masturbation and an interest in seeing others engage in intercourse are completely natural impulses, not indications of someone who's "undersexed".

Porn addiction is different, and of course unhealthy. But watching porn while alone in a hotel room does not an addict make.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He said one thing and did another. It isn't her problem. Trust but verify.

But we all know not to ask ncooke to give up porn. That's clear from the blame the op response.
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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> He said one thing and did another. It isn't her problem. Trust but verify.



I agree. I feel when one spouse has a problem with something the other is doing then it becomes their problem as a married couple. 

So if she has a problem with him viewing porn and he said one thing but did another he is basically lying and hiding things which can lead to other issues. He needs to take her concerns seriously.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Wow how convinent he works out of town and watches porn in the hotel after he had told you he stopped. 

I think when he told you he stopped, he might have meant stopped watching it at home. So you dilemma it seems now is, he is lying to you. 

You might can control some of what goes on in the home but you can't always control what goes on outside of your home. So, if its something that really bothers you, then you are going to have to figure out how you can trust him, but right now he is not trust worthy.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

AgentD said:


> Wow how convinent he works out of town and watches porn in the hotel after he had told you he stopped.
> 
> I think when he told you he stopped, he might have meant stopped watching it at home. So you dilemma it seems now is, he is lying to you.
> 
> You might can control some of what goes on in the home but you can't always control what goes on outside of your home. So, if its something that really bothers you, then you are going to have to figure out how you can trust him, but right now he is not trust worthy.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Let me clarify....about a year ago we were very disconnected, and I realised I could see his web history on the iPad we'd bought, going back some time. While he hadn't't looked for porn daily or even weekly, it was often enough to worry me. I made a connection between the lack of closeness and the porn use, and asked him to talk. I told him how it made me feel and we both decided we needed to work on getting the intimacy back. Things have improved a lot but I still have times when my insecurities get the better of me and I look for evidence. He didn't promise never to look at porn again, but he did promise not to do so at home. Really my question I'm asking myself is whether to bring it up when things have been going so well, or just to assume he looked at it when he was away simply through boredom /loneliness and just let it pass.
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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

If it's still bothering you then talk to him about it. Don't assume anything, talk and see what he has to say and express what concerns you had/still have and why you are uncomfortable. 

I have insecurity problems as a well from the ordeal we went through and unless you talk to him about it and see what the 2 of you are willing to do to help those insecurities then keeping quiet is just probably going to make them worse for you. So is not making him mad worth it/make it ok for you to feel how you do if you just stay quiet?


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## ncooke (Nov 4, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Trust but verify.


You realize that, by definition, that's not trust at all, right?


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## ncooke (Nov 4, 2011)

honkytonkwoman said:


> Let me clarify....about a year ago we were very disconnected, and I realised I could see his web history on the iPad we'd bought, going back some time. While he hadn't't looked for porn daily or even weekly, it was often enough to worry me. I made a connection between the lack of closeness and the porn use, and asked him to talk. I told him how it made me feel and we both decided we needed to work on getting the intimacy back. Things have improved a lot but I still have times when my insecurities get the better of me and I look for evidence. He didn't promise never to look at porn again, but he did promise not to do so at home. Really my question I'm asking myself is whether to bring it up when things have been going so well, or just to assume he looked at it when he was away simply through boredom /loneliness and just let it pass.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be aware that confronting him about this is to tell him you flat out don't trust him and that you periodically monitor his browsing history and receipts. The fact that you were right not to trust him is significant only for personal vindication, which, in my opinion, serves no purpose in a marriage.

I think that him knowing you're monitoring his activities is likely to cause problems down the road. 

I'd strongly recommend that before you confront him, you reevaluate the connection you made between the disconnect you were experiencing and his porn viewing. I seriously doubt that viewing porn less than once a week is enough to cause a rift between two people who love each other.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

ncooke said:


> Be aware that confronting him about this is to tell him you flat out don't trust him and that you periodically monitor his browsing history and receipts. The fact that you were right not to trust him is significant only for personal vindication, which, in my opinion, serves no purpose in a marriage.
> 
> I think that him knowing you're monitoring his activities is likely to cause problems down the road.
> 
> I'd strongly recommend that before you confront him, you reevaluate the connection you made between the disconnect you were experiencing and his porn viewing. I seriously doubt that viewing porn less than once a week is enough to cause a rift between two people who love each other.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Yes, I am painfully aware that I don't trust him and I definitely realise that its not healthy for our marriage. The problem is simple, he likes to use porn sometimes, I hate the fact that he does, so he does it in secret. I know he does it in secret, therefore I'm constantly on the lookout for it, I just don't know where to take it from here. I really wish I just didn't care either way, at the end of the day we are getting along really well at the moment, he is a good man who happens to have a weakness for porn and it drives me nuts. Yes I could demand that he promises never to be tempted again, but I know that's not realistic. He thinks its harmless if it doesn't affect the way he treats me, but I can't help feeling threatened by it. I don't know how to deal with it.
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## ncooke (Nov 4, 2011)

honkytonkwoman said:


> Yes, I am painfully aware that I don't trust him and I definitely realise that its not healthy for our marriage. The problem is simple, he likes to use porn sometimes, I hate the fact that he does, so he does it in secret. I know he does it in secret, therefore I'm constantly on the lookout for it, I just don't know where to take it from here. I really wish I just didn't care either way, at the end of the day we are getting along really well at the moment, he is a good man who happens to have a weakness for porn and it drives me nuts. Yes I could demand that he promises never to be tempted again, but I know that's not realistic. He thinks its harmless if it doesn't affect the way he treats me, but I can't help feeling threatened by it. I don't know how to deal with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well your only options are to:

A) Demand that he never view pornography ever again (and continue monitoring his browser history, receipts, etc. for verification).

B) Stop spying on him and let him keep it from you.

I think it's safe to say that option A sets up more problems down the road. B is only viable if you can work out your hate/fear of pornography.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

honkytonkwoman said:


> I have posted before about my husband having a porn habit that really bothered me, I won't go into detail again but I felt it caused closeness problems in our marriage...anyway it all came to a head and we talked things through, he said porn wasn't as big a part of his life as I imagined it to be, and we agreed to work at getting closer. Anyway things improved a lot both in and out of the bedroom, but recently I found hotel receipts from last week and the week before when he'd been working away, both times he had paid for a porn film. I'm meant to be taking both kids to a show this weekend and I'm dreading going, he will have the house to himself and I'm obsessing that he will spend the whole time looking at porn! I honestly wish I didn't care about it, things have been great the past few months and I don't want to bring it up but I know I won't be able to help myself...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know exactly how you feel.. I am the same way.. Afraid to leave the house when he will be alone.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

ncooke said:


> Well your only options are to:
> 
> A) Demand that he never view pornography ever again (and continue monitoring his browser history, receipts, etc. for verification).
> 
> ...


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Yes, you have simplified it very well. Option A is not really achievable as it will just lead to us both being tense and at loggerheads the whole time...so I guess I will have to work out my fear of pornography...quite how I don't know...that's the next step to work on I suppose. That's not to say I am "giving in" or backing down, but its the only thing I can control. I can't control what be thinks or what he does when I'm not around, so as long as things are going well otherwise and he is otherwise being a good husband and father its the only way to go. We have to agree to disagree on this issue or close the door on our marriage, and that's not what I want. If we could afford marriage counselling I would ask him to go but we can't at the moment. Thanks for your imput.
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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

ncooke said:


> Well your only options are to:
> 
> A) Demand that he never view pornography ever again (and continue monitoring his browser history, receipts, etc. for verification).
> 
> ...


There's a third option:

C) Accept that he enjoys pornography and ask that he includes you when he views it so that you can try enjoying it with him.


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## Carriage (Nov 8, 2011)

I am going to put in my two cents for whatever its worth. Your situation is a delicate one and one I can fully understand. Porn can be harmless or harmful it all depends on the person watching and their ability to control themselves. You have to be very careful in how you handle this. If you bash him over the head he will continue to watch in and lie about it and by bashing him over the head you are going to give him a reason to seek someone who understands him. I know this because I am the other woman who was sought 8 years ago. I am ashamed of this and hate myself because of what I was, the other woman. Keep your husband at home, be understanding, don't berate him, try to be calm and understanding, don't shame him. Tell him you love him, hug him and tell him you don't want him to be ashamed of his sexuality but you want to understand it and him. Without shaming him tell him how it makes you feel. Don't say "you" say "I" you stand a much better chance of surviving this intact. The man I felt sorry for because of his sob story about how he and his wife were sexually mismatched is now my husband of three years. Read my post "Help" and see where we are at now. Porn can open the door to a host of problems it all depends on how you handle the situation and one of the biggest mistakes made is to treat your husband like a child. I feel for you and wish you the very best.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Here are some links. Never just settle and say you will live with something you don't like or you feel is damaging your marriage. There are other options.

Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography « Power to Change

Blazing Grace | TechMission Safe Families: Pornography & Sex Addiction Recovery & Christian Accountability


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Carriage said:


> I am going to put in my two cents for whatever its worth. Your situation is a delicate one and one I can fully understand. Porn can be harmless or harmful it all depends on the person watching and their ability to control themselves. You have to be very careful in how you handle this. If you bash him over the head he will continue to watch in and lie about it and by bashing him over the head you are going to give him a reason to seek someone who understands him. I know this because I am the other woman who was sought 8 years ago. I am ashamed of this and hate myself because of what I was, the other woman. Keep your husband at home, be understanding, don't berate him, try to be calm and understanding, don't shame him. Tell him you love him, hug him and tell him you don't want him to be ashamed of his sexuality but you want to understand it and him. Without shaming him tell him how it makes you feel. Don't say "you" say "I" you stand a much better chance of surviving this intact. The man I felt sorry for because of his sob story about how he and his wife were sexually mismatched is now my husband of three years. Read my post "Help" and see where we are at now. Porn can open the door to a host of problems it all depends on how you handle the situation and one of the biggest mistakes made is to treat your husband like a child. I feel for you and wish you the very best.


Why should anybody settle for something they don't want? I find it remarkable that you would give such advice.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

honkytonkwoman said:


> ..so I guess I will have to work out my fear of pornography...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You're compromising how you feel on the issue, for him. Where does that leave you? My guess is with even more resentments down the road than you might have now.


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

No matter what your view is on the matter, a wife that has a husband who is constantly viewing porn will feel insecure. You can pretend that you are okay with it for now and then months later when his veiwing does not go down, or worse, goes up, then you will find yourself resenting him. You will find yourself looking in the mirror wondering what it is that you don't have. You will think you will never measure up to what these women can and will do. You will wonder who is he thinking about when he is having sex with you. Your mind will be occupied wondering what he is doing when he is alone and will worry if your kids will ever stumble on anything he is looking at. 

If you believe he does have an addiction, you need to get him to agree to total transparency. There is no such thing as moderation with an addiction. You need to get the admin password to the computer (it is your computer too). There is no need to spy if he has everything in the open. Get rid of inprivate browsing on his computer. If he used a credit card that both of you share an account, then that is not spying. You are entitled to view your financial records. While I agree that there is a fine line between spying and acting on your intuition, don't be naive and just turn your head when you think he is not honoring your agreement. He may take that as a sign that you are okay with it.


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## Carriage (Nov 8, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Why should anybody settle for something they don't want? I find it remarkable that you would give such advice.


I think I am misunderstood. If you are asking why I settled the reason is I am a romanticizing idiot who came out of an awful marriage and jumped into a marriage filled with other issues, hence the term out of the frying pan into the fire. Are you suggesting the message I am sending is to settle with something that makes one unhappy? If so then I must clarify. I have learned through trial and error and much MC and IC some real eye opening life lessons. I am trying to convey the power of communication. Communication offered in such a way that it does not leave the receiving party feeling attacked or on the defensive and create a no communication zone. Extend the olive branch so to speak, but by no means settle for something that makes you miserable and unhappy. In the most loving way help the other person see what their actions are doing to you. Life is a series of lessons and experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. I have a life filled with experience.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Kricket said:


> There is no such thing as moderation with an addiction.


Yes, there is. It's this kind of belief that needlessly traps addicts into a downward spiral of fatalistic thinking about their problem, it's totally counter productive and based solely on the ignorant moralization of a disease. Addicts can learn to bring their behavior back under control and manage it responsibly. I believe it's easier for many of them than quitting completely, it's a far more attainable goal.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

honkytonkwoman said:


> I have posted before about my husband having a porn habit that really bothered me, I won't go into detail again but I felt it caused closeness problems in our marriage...anyway it all came to a head and we talked things through, he said porn wasn't as big a part of his life as I imagined it to be, and we agreed to work at getting closer. Anyway things improved a lot both in and out of the bedroom, but recently I found hotel receipts from last week and the week before when he'd been working away, both times he had paid for a porn film. I'm meant to be taking both kids to a show this weekend and I'm dreading going, he will have the house to himself and I'm obsessing that he will spend the whole time looking at porn! I honestly wish I didn't care about it, things have been great the past few months and I don't want to bring it up but I know I won't be able to help myself...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG! this situation sounds so much like mine. My husband's continue use of porn and masturbating has completely destroyed what feelings i have for him. My libido is gone because of all the stress and problems our marrigae is going through due to porn. We also did the talking (or arguing) thing. Always thought we came to an agreement just to have him go back to porn. Now everytime i go take my shower at night, i can't help but have a sinking feeling that he's sitting in front of his computer (he has his own and so do i) watching his porn and jerking off. I can't help but look at the trash afterwards for evidence and when i do find it my heart sinks. More then once he even forgot to throw out the tissue, i found evidence in the laundry (which i wash) and once even evidence on the floor (seriously, WTF!) I try not to let it affect me but i cannot help it. So i do too dread leaving him alone in front of his computer knowing what he's probably doing and knowing he is just going to lie if i question him.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Kricket said:


> *No matter what your view is on the matter, a wife that has a husband who is constantly viewing porn will feel insecure. You can pretend that you are okay with it for now and then months later when his veiwing does not go down, or worse, goes up, then you will find yourself resenting him. You will find yourself looking in the mirror wondering what it is that you don't have. You will think you will never measure up to what these women can and will do. You will wonder who is he thinking about when he is having sex with you. Your mind will be occupied wondering what he is doing when he is alone and will worry if your kids will ever stumble on anything he is looking at. *
> 
> You hit that right on the head....For me atleast.
> 
> ...


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

I think its important for me to point put here that I don't think he looks at porn that often that I see it as an addiction, when I viewed the web history he had gone a couple of months at a time without viewing any, and this was before he knew I could see the history so he had no reason to delete it. I don't think for one second he is having a quick session every time I'm in the shower either. I just know that porn has been around in his life since he was a teenager on a now and then basis....obviously got more frequent when we got broadband 6 years ago, but even he said he watched a lot the first year or two then got bored of it "because there was nothing new left unless u want to watch people do it with animals". Our relationship has been really good the last 6 months, we have a regular and satisfying sex life and I don't feel at ghost.point (although I have in the past) that him using porn occasionally when he's bored in a hotel room is having a detrimental effect on our relationship generally. He's hardly ever at home alone, one of the kids is always around anyway. I was just saying that it niggled at me and I don't want to start off another great issue and end up having to think about ending a good marriage. If I thought he was viewing porn daily or even weekly it would be a different story.
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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

honkytonkwoman said:


> I think its important for me to point put here that I don't think he looks at porn that often that I see it as an addiction, when I viewed the web history he had gone a couple of months at a time without viewing any, and this was before he knew I could see the history so he had no reason to delete it. I don't think for one second he is having a quick session every time I'm in the shower either. I just know that porn has been around in his life since he was a teenager on a now and then basis....obviously got more frequent when we got broadband 6 years ago, but even he said he watched a lot the first year or two then got bored of it "because there was nothing new left unless u want to watch people do it with animals". Our relationship has been really good the last 6 months, we have a regular and satisfying sex life and I don't feel at ghost.point (although I have in the past) that him using porn occasionally when he's bored in a hotel room is having a detrimental effect on our relationship generally. He's hardly ever at home alone, one of the kids is always around anyway. I was just saying that it niggled at me and I don't want to start off another great issue and end up having to think about ending a good marriage. If I thought he was viewing porn daily or even weekly it would be a different story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Sorry about the typos...using my phone! "Ghost point" is meant to read "this point"
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## weeyaosi (Nov 10, 2011)

I feel for you and wish you the very best.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

weeyaosi said:


> I feel for you and wish you the very best.[/QUOTi
> I spent an hour talking it through with a MC yesterday...reached conclusion that my biggest issue with him is the secrecy and lying/trust side of things...anyway I emailed him (easier to put my thoughts down without getting mixed up and emotional) telling him this and made suggestions how to get over it and deal with it....will see how it goes. Anything has to be better than him hiding stuff and me in a constant state of suspicion...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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