# Adult stepson is ruining my marriage and life



## The Narcissist's Wife

Deleted


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> I have been with my husband on and off for 17 years...we separated for 3 years, 2009 to 2012 and married in 2014. I have 3 stepsons, current ages 19, 21, 23 and we have 2 children together..boy 12, girl 8. A very short version of the backstory is I met my husband when I was 21..he was 28, he had 3 sons already. He lied to me about being divorced..and played between me and his then wife. Now before you make any assumptions..I must tell you what I didn't know then. He is a narcissist of the WORST kind..handsome, charming, romantic, evil, cruel, controlling..physically, emotionally and verbally abusive..pathological and habitual liar and has mastered every term you've ever heard associated with a narcissist. You are probably wondering why I married him...simple answer was to gain some control, while we were separated he often kept my son from me and used him to manipulate and control me. I was afraid..afraid to do anything because of the threats he would make and follow through with. I was told if I filed for custody that his 3 sons would all accuse me of molestation and that both his parents and then wife would go along with it...so yes..I was scared. Our son was diagnosed with severe autism in 2012 and that was hard on it's own. He wanted to get bk together and get married, I agreed in order to be able to raise my son full time and our daughter as well who was born 3 months before the wedding. Setting all that aside..for now..and on to the current issues. Both of the 2 oldest boys moved out with their mom shortly after graduating HS. Of course I was to blame, as usual..its always me never him. His kids are all messed up..to say it simply..both parents are extremely manipulative and have always tried persuading their kids to hate the other parent at their expense..leaving me to always be the moderator and voice of reason. My 19 year old stepson is the last of them..and has decided he doesn't want to ever leave. He displays many similar narcissistic qualities including pathological lying, stealing, manipulation, gas lighting, etc. He has been lying non stop since about age 16..not completely abnormal for a teenager I suppose. But what I don't like is that he purposefully gets his half sister..my 8 year old daughter, in trouble with her dad almost daily. He has completely ruined their relationship. He claims she is a liar..tho she rarely ever lies..and blames her for things he does all the time. He tries manipulating her constantly...one example..we were at dinner and he was babysitting..and told her that he planned on adopting her when we were dead. Like WTF is he talking about..I am 38 and quite healthy..why would I be dead before she is 18? Other things he does is he threatens her when we are gone and interrogates her about conversations between me and her...then twists up her responses and tells his dad some [email protected]#%ed up version to get me and her in trouble. He has a contingent job, where he works 1 to 2 days a week and has 2 classes at a community college. He refuses to help around the house, eats well over $500 worth of groceries a month, sleeps til noon, doesnt help pay for ANYTHING, steals his autistic's brothers money and clothes and complains NON STOP that his life is toooooo hard. He babysits maybe 6 hrs a month, does farm chores once or twice a week..if he gets to it. Lives like a complete pig..has banana peels and sardine cans IN HIS BED..as well as in his dresser. Doesn't bathe or take care of himself..smells absolutely wretched..pisses in water bottles that are all over his bedroom and can't even bother to flush the toilet after he pees or poops in there. And thats just the tip of the iceberg on his habits. Recently him and I have had several blowouts due to him disrespecting me and his all around behavior. My husband and I have had a hundred conversations with him..hours long..and get no where. He has no friends, doesn't do anything outside of the house with anybody at all. He claims he has to stay with us to care for his autistic brother?? Even tho I am a stay at home mom who homeschools my 12 year old son and daughter and I do everything for them. My husband and I agreed a month ago that the 19 year old had to figure out some direction and become more independent. We set a bunch of goals, which included us to stop any enabling behavior and agreed. NOW my husband is back to calling him a little child and basically wiping his ass and babying him...says he doesn't have to move out ever if he doesn't want and he can treat me disrespectful if he feels Ive been rude to him. Obviously many fights and arguments have ensued..and I am losing my strength to hold it all together. How do you get a 19 year old, who acts like a spoiled 13 year old to leave your house? Talking to him is a waste of time..he is unstable, delusional and couldn't speak the truth if u paid him. I feel resentment growing inside of me and it is affecting my ability to be happy and cheerful for my other 2 kids. My husband is no longer supporting me or taking my side..only his son's side. I am exhausted and sad and angry. No one will even consider counseling..I have asked several times..I don't know what to do.


This is simplistic sounding, but true. One just has to tell him he has to be moved out by such and such date.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

Thank you Ragnar 😊 we have done that already several times and SS just starts laughing and says I am not going anywhere...he knows his dad will never actually make him leave...ever. In the end it will be me who has to leave..and it will be extremely difficult for our 2 children we have together, especially my son with autism.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> Thank you Ragnar 😊 we have done that already several times and SS just starts laughing and says I am not going anywhere...he knows his dad will never actually make him leave...ever. In the end it will be me who has to leave..and it will be extremely difficult for our 2 children we have together, especially my son with autism.


I get you. Don't give up. Remember you have a life too.


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## uwe.blab

does he have a girlfriend?


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## frusdil

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> Thank you Ragnar 😊 we have done that already several times and SS just starts laughing and says I am not going anywhere...he knows his dad will never actually make him leave...ever. In the end it will be me who has to leave..and it will be extremely difficult for our 2 children we have together, especially my son with autism.


Staying in this toxic environment will be far worse for your son (and daughter)


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## jonty30

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> I have been with my husband on and off for 17 years...we separated for 3 years, 2009 to 2012 and married in 2014. I have 3 stepsons, current ages 19, 21, 23 and we have 2 children together..boy 12, girl 8. A very short version of the backstory is I met my husband when I was 21..he was 28, he had 3 sons already. He lied to me about being divorced..and played between me and his then wife. Now before you make any assumptions..I must tell you what I didn't know then. He is a narcissist of the WORST kind..handsome, charming, romantic, evil, cruel, controlling..physically, emotionally and verbally abusive..pathological and habitual liar and has mastered every term you've ever heard associated with a narcissist. You are probably wondering why I married him...simple answer was to gain some control, while we were separated he often kept my son from me and used him to manipulate and control me. I was afraid..afraid to do anything because of the threats he would make and follow through with. I was told if I filed for custody that his 3 sons would all accuse me of molestation and that both his parents and then wife would go along with it...so yes..I was scared. Our son was diagnosed with severe autism in 2012 and that was hard on it's own. He wanted to get bk together and get married, I agreed in order to be able to raise my son full time and our daughter as well who was born 3 months before the wedding. Setting all that aside..for now..and on to the current issues. Both of the 2 oldest boys moved out with their mom shortly after graduating HS. Of course I was to blame, as usual..its always me never him. His kids are all messed up..to say it simply..both parents are extremely manipulative and have always tried persuading their kids to hate the other parent at their expense..leaving me to always be the moderator and voice of reason. My 19 year old stepson is the last of them..and has decided he doesn't want to ever leave. He displays many similar narcissistic qualities including pathological lying, stealing, manipulation, gas lighting, etc. He has been lying non stop since about age 16..not completely abnormal for a teenager I suppose. But what I don't like is that he purposefully gets his half sister..my 8 year old daughter, in trouble with her dad almost daily. He has completely ruined their relationship. He claims she is a liar..tho she rarely ever lies..and blames her for things he does all the time. He tries manipulating her constantly...one example..we were at dinner and he was babysitting..and told her that he planned on adopting her when we were dead. Like WTF is he talking about..I am 38 and quite healthy..why would I be dead before she is 18? Other things he does is he threatens her when we are gone and interrogates her about conversations between me and her...then twists up her responses and tells his dad some [email protected]#%ed up version to get me and her in trouble. He has a contingent job, where he works 1 to 2 days a week and has 2 classes at a community college. He refuses to help around the house, eats well over $500 worth of groceries a month, sleeps til noon, doesnt help pay for ANYTHING, steals his autistic's brothers money and clothes and complains NON STOP that his life is toooooo hard. He babysits maybe 6 hrs a month, does farm chores once or twice a week..if he gets to it. Lives like a complete pig..has banana peels and sardine cans IN HIS BED..as well as in his dresser. Doesn't bathe or take care of himself..smells absolutely wretched..pisses in water bottles that are all over his bedroom and can't even bother to flush the toilet after he pees or poops in there. And thats just the tip of the iceberg on his habits. Recently him and I have had several blowouts due to him disrespecting me and his all around behavior. My husband and I have had a hundred conversations with him..hours long..and get no where. He has no friends, doesn't do anything outside of the house with anybody at all. He claims he has to stay with us to care for his autistic brother?? Even tho I am a stay at home mom who homeschools my 12 year old son and daughter and I do everything for them. My husband and I agreed a month ago that the 19 year old had to figure out some direction and become more independent. We set a bunch of goals, which included us to stop any enabling behavior and agreed. NOW my husband is back to calling him a little child and basically wiping his ass and babying him...says he doesn't have to move out ever if he doesn't want and he can treat me disrespectful if he feels Ive been rude to him. Obviously many fights and arguments have ensued..and I am losing my strength to hold it all together. How do you get a 19 year old, who acts like a spoiled 13 year old to leave your house? Talking to him is a waste of time..he is unstable, delusional and couldn't speak the truth if u paid him. I feel resentment growing inside of me and it is affecting my ability to be happy and cheerful for my other 2 kids. My husband is no longer supporting me or taking my side..only his son's side. I am exhausted and sad and angry. No one will even consider counseling..I have asked several times..I don't know what to do.


It's not your stepson, it's your husband that is ruining your life.
He could, if he valued you over his son, take steps to make him an independent adult and on his own. 
If he's not doing that, that is his choice to not do that.


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## Evinrude58

I agree, it’s your husband that’s worst at fault.
And btw, dads don’t do a bunch of talking to their sons when it comes to this kind of thing, they take action. Your husband is a weak minded person.


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## thunderchad

You need a divorce from your husband and his lazy, asshole kid!


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## D0nnivain

I would start visually documenting the son's habits. If you can sneak a nanny cam into a common room that would help too. 

Have another chat with hubby about jettisoning son & if hubby agrees maybe ask child protective services to remove him from the home for the safety of the other kids. I'm not super sure that can be done 

All in all I would get your evidence together & leave this jerk. The idea that he would threaten you by saying that everyone would lie & accuse you of molestation is ghastly. Assuming you have a some type of relationship with your ILs I would talk to them & make sure they aren't in on such a dasterdly plan.


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## TJW

Just leave. Your husband cannot be forced to become a proper father, nor a proper husband. Give up, stop trying, just leave.

I don't think your kids could possibly be raised in a worse environment than the one you describe.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

Thank you everyone for all the advice...sometimes living with a narcissist you start to question your own sanity. I have been collecting evidence for the past couple years and will continue to do so when possible, that way when the day comes I can leave and not have to worry about him taking my children away from me. I agree with my husband being the main cause..he has raised his son to be this way, but SS is also to blame for his own actions. We had full custody of the 3 SS and me working only part time hours has been the main provider and caregiver over the years. It is hurtful to have done so muchfor 3 kids that weren't yours and for each of them to completely disregard me once they turned 17. SS who is still at home told me..in front of his dad, that he doesnt consider me anything and never has and hates being around me. I tried to be understanding in the comment..seeing as i am sure he blames me for his parents divorce etc..but what is bothersome is that he thinks he can say that and still expect me to cook and clean for him. I told him and my husband..I am no longer obligated to do ANYTHING for him..first of all he is 19! Second of all he just said he doesnt and hasnt ever considered me to be anything to him. But my husband is the type who then says..well if u refuse to do what a mother should then u are a piece of **** and a terrible mother and bla bla bla. I am not weak minded anymore..I was stupid and naive in the beginning and unaware that these types of people even existed...but I am a very strong person and refuse to let him break me.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

My inital plan was to divorce him after all 3 SS had moved out..then I wouldnt have to worry about them as witnesses making false accusations towards me. Obviously with this one still at home it has put a cramp in my initial plans..but since he is unstable I have already decided to document that with video and audio..in case it is needed.


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## Openminded

Were you part of his parents divorce?

Your stepson can make false allegations no matter where he is. And you could be waiting many years for him to move out. In the meantime your children are paying the price.


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## Diana7

Were you responsible for the ending of their marriage?


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## ConanHub

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> Thank you Ragnar 😊 we have done that already several times and SS just starts laughing and says I am not going anywhere...he knows his dad will never actually make him leave...ever. In the end it will be me who has to leave..and it will be extremely difficult for our 2 children we have together, especially my son with autism.


How about you divorce and get the house and maintenance on top of child support so you and your children can live in piece?

Talk to an experienced family law attorney without letting anyone know.

Lay out your entire situation, leaving nothing out and even include anything that could be relevant about yourself that your husband could use against you.

Get your ducks in a row and then obliterate him with divorce papers and a restraining order on him and ss for the harassment and abuse of your minor children.


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## ConanHub

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> My inital plan was to divorce him after all 3 SS had moved out..then I wouldnt have to worry about them as witnesses making false accusations towards me. Obviously with this one still at home it has put a cramp in my initial plans..but since he is unstable I have already decided to document that with video and audio..in case it is needed.


It will be needed because you're going to follow my advice to burn these abusive assholes and protect yourself and your children.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

Well..yes and no. When I met him he told me they were divorced. I met here numerous times and had no reason to question it. He and I didnt live together for first 4 years..I had no idea that he was playing house with her and I both until I was pregnant with our son and we finally moved in together and I went through his phone one night after his suspicious behaviors. Then I still didnt know they weren't actually divorced.. 6 weeks after I had our son he came home and told me he was leaving to go back to his wife. It blind sided me..that day he and his eldest son physically assaulted me and tore my baby out of my arms and left. During the fighting that followed he kept calling her his wife and would say the court will choose our son living with a real family over a single mom with nothing. I went up to the court house, paid the fee and found out he was never divorced! When he wanted to reconcile several years later, the first thing I did was check with the court house to verify his divorce.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

Thank you ConanHub for the advice. I have an attorney in mind and will contact her as soon as i get my ducks in a row. My biggest fear is their word over mine..so once I feel I have enough evidence to show they are both patholigical liars I plan on starting the process.
We had a fight the other day and he told me to get out of his house, I said I would gladly leave with my children. He said I would be charged with kidnapping if I took them from our home...is that true??


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## ConanHub

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> Thank you ConanHub for the advice. I have an attorney in mind and will contact her as soon as i get my ducks in a row. My biggest fear is their word over mine..so once I feel I have enough evidence to show they are both patholigical liars I plan on starting the process.
> We had a fight the other day and he told me to get out of his house, I said I would gladly leave with my children. He said I would be charged with kidnapping if I took them from our home...is that true??


No. That's why you should get advice from a lawyer immediately and they will tell you how to proceed so you can protect yourself and your children.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

I see...thank you again


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## Anastasia6

Some of what you write is abusive. You should also contact your local womens abuse center as they will have additional resources.


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## ConanHub

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> I see...thank you again


I'm just recommending talking to a very experienced family law attorney so you know what would be effective and what wouldn't.

I wouldn't be surprised if you could get your soon to be ex and his abusive son out of the home faster than you might think.


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## Openminded

Yes, you definitely complicated your life when you let him in it but you’re the only one who can fix that. The sooner the better.


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## Anastasia6

@EleGirl had something like the kidnapping charge filed maybe she can chime in as I'm not familiar with the story. 

Bottom line get professional help. A womens center maybe able to help with that as well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Anastasia6 said:


> @EleGirl had something like the kidnapping charge filed maybe she can chime in as I'm not familiar with the story.
> 
> Bottom line get professional help. A womens center maybe able to help with that as well.


Love this answer. 👍


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## EleGirl

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> Thank you ConanHub for the advice. I have an attorney in mind and will contact her as soon as i get my ducks in a row. My biggest fear is their word over mine..so once I feel I have enough evidence to show they are both patholigical liars I plan on starting the process.
> We had a fight the other day and he told me to get out of his house, I said I would gladly leave with my children. He said I would be charged with kidnapping if I took them from our home...is that true??


When my son was 3.5 yrs old I filed for divorce and moved out of our home with our son. This was on the advice of my attorney. My then husband had his attorney get an emergency hearing with a judge. He convinced the judge that my accusations of domestic violence were false, fabrications. Since I never called the police on him, I had no 3rd party proof. The judge decided that I was in the wrong, that I fabricated taht abuse accusations, and that I was wrong in leaving with our son. She did not call it kidnapping. But she gave my then husband 100% custody of our son on the spot. At the time my husband was in medical school and did not even have the time to take care of a child. Plus, he was abusive, and I was not going to leave a 3.5 yr old child with his abusive father. I cancelled the divorce and moved back into our home. It took me 4 more years to get what I needed to divorce and maintain custody of our son.

At the time my attorney, and other local attorneys were in shock at the judge's decision because the local court system was telling attorneys to err on the side of caution. The idea was that the facts of the case could be worked out during the divorce. But this judge was nuts. I am aware of cases where she gave full custody of children to a father who had a police record for physical abuse of their children. She was well known for finding for the father and being very denigrating and cruel to the mother. So, my experience might be an out layer.

Bottom like, you need an attorney NOW. You say that you are gathering evidence. What evidence are you collecting? Do you even know if that evidence is anything that will be useful? Again, you need an attorney. The attorney will know what your local courts do and what you can expect. 

Go see an attorney.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

EleGirl said:


> When my son was 3.5 yrs old I filed for divorce and moved out of our home with our son. This was on the advice of my attorney. My then husband had his attorney get an emergency hearing with a judge. He convinced the judge that my accusations of domestic violence were false, fabrications. Since I never called the police on him, I had no 3rd party proof. The judge decided that I was in the wrong, that I fabricated taht abuse accusations, and that I was wrong in leaving with our son. She did not call it kidnapping. But she gave my then husband 100% custody of our son on the spot. At the time my husband was in medical school and did not even have the time to take care of a child. Plus, he was abusive, and I was not going to leave a 3.5 yr old child with his abusive father. I cancelled the divorce and moved back into our home. It took me 4 more years to get what I needed to divorce and maintain custody of our son.
> 
> At the time my attorney, and other local attorneys were in shock at the judge's decision because the local court system was telling attorneys to err on the side of caution. The idea was that the facts of the case could be worked out during the divorce. But this judge was nuts. I am aware of cases where she gave full custody of children to a father who had a police record for physical abuse of their children. She was well known for finding for the father and being very denigrating and cruel to the mother. So, my experience might be an out layer.
> 
> Bottom like, you need an attorney NOW. You say that you are gathering evidence. What evidence are you collecting? Do you even know if that evidence is anything that will be useful? Again, you need an attorney. The attorney will know what your local courts do and what you can expect.
> 
> Go see an attorney.


I have seen one..but I cannot afford to retain one. I work part time and my DH monitors my spending like a hawk..while he is as frivolous as they come. He also monitors my phone, my whereabouts and who I talk to. Makes it very difficult to do anything. If he suspects anything of the sort..he will be ten steps ahead of me the next day. I cannot pick up any more hours at work because 1) it would affect amount of time I am caring for my children..this affects custody decisions in Michigan and 2) my DH lashes out whenever I work an extra shift or trade days. I am trying diligently to find some work online..that I can do from home.


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## The Narcissist's Wife

EleGirl said:


> When my son was 3.5 yrs old I filed for divorce and moved out of our home with our son. This was on the advice of my attorney. My then husband had his attorney get an emergency hearing with a judge. He convinced the judge that my accusations of domestic violence were false, fabrications. Since I never called the police on him, I had no 3rd party proof. The judge decided that I was in the wrong, that I fabricated taht abuse accusations, and that I was wrong in leaving with our son. She did not call it kidnapping. But she gave my then husband 100% custody of our son on the spot. At the time my husband was in medical school and did not even have the time to take care of a child. Plus, he was abusive, and I was not going to leave a 3.5 yr old child with his abusive father. I cancelled the divorce and moved back into our home. It took me 4 more years to get what I needed to divorce and maintain custody of our son.
> 
> At the time my attorney, and other local attorneys were in shock at the judge's decision because the local court system was telling attorneys to err on the side of caution. The idea was that the facts of the case could be worked out during the divorce. But this judge was nuts. I am aware of cases where she gave full custody of children to a father who had a police record for physical abuse of their children. She was well known for finding for the father and being very denigrating and cruel to the mother. So, my experience might be an out layer.
> 
> Bottom like, you need an attorney NOW. You say that you are gathering evidence. What evidence are you collecting? Do you even know if that evidence is anything that will be useful? Again, you need an attorney. The attorney will know what your local courts do and what you can expect.
> 
> Go see an attorney.


I am sorry for what u went through.. imagine your situation but with 3 older step kids who would very willingly accuse u of abuse, molestation, and everything else. 3 boys, now young adults who will back up every single lie that will benefit their father. A father who's sole purpose..in the case of a divorce..would be to take my children from me, completely if possible..as well as ruin me financially and professionally. And he has the position to do so. I can sympathize with every woman who lives or has lived with an abuser..physically and emotionally..people on the outside have truly no idea how terrible it is and have a difficult time understanding why it is so hard to just leave...especially when kids are involved. I have been called a coward, a bad mom, pathetic, weak and every other name in the book by those who have never lived a day in my shoes..when what i really need is support, we all do.


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## EleGirl

@The Narcissist's Wife

I get that you have a particularly difficult situation. So, let's look at things that can help you out.

Do you have any friends or family members that you can confide in and who can help you navigate some things?


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## The Narcissist's Wife

EleGirl said:


> @The Narcissist's Wife
> 
> I get that you have a particularly difficult situation. So, let's look at things that can help you out.
> 
> Do you have any friends or family members that you can confide in and who can help you navigate some things?


Friends..no. Any friends I have are mutual with DH also. A couple family members are aware of situation but they can't help. It is just me.


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