# Need advice!



## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

I recently found out my husband has cheated on me and I want to save our marriage. We have lived together for over 7 years, married for almost 2, and we have a 4 year old son together. What happened? First, my husband started to hang out with a buddy from work about a month ago, no big deal. He became more distant and breaking plans to hang out with his friends. August 18 we had plans to take our son to see a movie and he tells me he's going to ride his motorcycle for a little bit while I got ready. Well, he left at 1pm and didn't come back home until 8pm. My son was devastated. The next couple of days I gave him the silent treatment and then we were back to normal. That following Friday, August 23, before he left for work he comes to me and tells me he's not "in love" with me anymore and wants a divorce. I broke down. The next day he took our son out to the park and never came back. He had dropped our son off at his moms house without my knowledge and went out drinking. That night I started snooping through our phone records and found a number he had been texting a lot. I found the owner of the number and it was his buddy's sister in law. I knew that he was cheating at this point. I confronted him and he denied knowing who she was. He finally confessed after I repeatedly said this is who you're texting. We didn't speak much after that. August 25 he takes our son to his company picnic and tells me he doesn't want me to come. And again after the picnic he drops our son off at his moms. When he didn't answer my calls I just headed straight to his moms house and picked up our son. He came home about 15 minutes after I picked our son up. He tells me again he wants a divorce and I replied I want us to work it out. He kept saying it will never work out, I never loved you, and I only married you because of our son. I told him, I didn't believe him and that he was just confused right now. Friday, August 30, he drops our son off at his moms yet again, but this time he tells me. He also tells me to go out with my friends and have a good time. I had recently added the att family map to our phones and that whole night I was tracking his location. He went to f****** Florida! I started to go through all of his things trying to find things I really didn't want to know about and I did. I logged onto his email and there it all was. He was promising the other woman a future together. He has only known her less than a month how could he possibly be saying these things! When he arrived home he tells me he had sex with her while on their get away. I told him I wanted to work on our marriage and I understand why he cheated and take part of the responsibility for what happened, but he can't live here until he broke off all communication with the other woman. Well he left, called apologizing, and came back home. I read the messages he had sent her to confirm he had broke it off. Well he didn't. September 7, I found another phone in his truck. I thought I broke the phone and apparently I hadn't because I caught him in the garage texting from this phone! Later that night I told him he had to decide whether or not he wants to work on things. He broke the phone in half right infront of me and said he would try and he would completely stop talking to her and her brother in law as well. 
I have stayed positive, kept a smile on my face, haven't brought up the affair, kept up with my housework, supper ready by the time he gets off work, make his lunch and put little notes in with it, and I even try to talk to him about the things he likes like his motorcycle. He will not communicate with me at all, like I don't even exist. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him and that one wrong word will make him change his mind about us. I just don't understand why he's not the one doing everything he can to let me know how sorry he is and show me he wants to work on things by actually working on them. I know its only been a few days but I'm so frustrated! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Wrong stance. If you are begging him to stay he is going to keep up the A and have no respect for you.

You need to do the 180 on him and now. First of all put his stuff on the lawn. Tell his Mom about the A and your family and friends. If that POS OW is married tell her husband and or boyfriend.

You have to tell him you do not want him unless he is completely devoted to you and working on the marriage.

Get into IC right now and see a lawyer. Filing for D does not mean you have to go through with it. You need to be a tough woman and a good Mom to your son


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Trust me from my own experience,

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be able to lose it. He knows he can have you because you put up with all his crap! He has no desire to chase anything he owns. It is how they think. He lost respect for you.

You have to first get respect for yourself. Nobody should be treated the way he treats you. This is NOT your fault. You need to stand up and say you aren't taking it and if he decides to leave you need to be prepared for that. It's called the 180.

Exposure of the affair will empower you. Tell his mom and people who have a moral influence. I would not tell his boss because, his livelihood affects you. 

Gather all the information. Save it, write it down. You may very well need it especially if it comes down to court.

I am so sorry you are here. Good luck!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

To save, the marriage, you have to save yourself 1st. Don't ever go down with someone who doesn't want your help or love.

My wife did the begging, pleading, crying her heart out, didn't budge me at all. Actually it made me want to get away from her even more, it was pathetic in my eyes to see her like that.

But when she finally gave me the ultimatum and was going to stick to her guns, I sobered up pretty fast. But I could have gone the other way also, but it was a risk she was willing to take to save her from my destructive behavior.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Jennlrmarshall said:


> I recently found out my husband has cheated on me and I want to save our marriage.


Here's the thing. *He* should be the one who desperately wants to save your marriage after what he's done.

And just like the other poster told you, nicing him back is the worst approach. He will lose more respect for you and you will be less attractive to him. He has no fear that you will leave him. If there is any chance for him to demonstrate remorse and to have a decent shot a R, he has to know what it's like to lose his wife for cheating.

Like a lot of BS's, the shock of the sudden betrayal overwhelmed you; but you have got to change your mind set quickly. Where's your anger? Use it! You have to give him consequences and expose him; and he has to willingly accept this. He has to demonstrate transparency and remorse. If he doesn't, you need to file for D and keep going until it's final or until he turns around. And if that doesn't turn him around, nothing will.

As a first step, you should separate from him for at least a couple of weeks, expose him to his family, your family and his AP's significant other. You should implement the 180 to detach from him. Then watch how he reacts. If he's not begging you back and willing to do anything you ask, then he's not worth coming back. It's hard enough to R with a cheater, but with an unremorseful cheater it's impossible.

Sorry you're here. Please keep posting.


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

I guess I should've got into much more detail and mentioned my "crazy" behavior. I have told all family and friends and I even shared it with Facebook. The exact post read, "Well I've had an awesome weekend! My husband pawned his son off on his drunk mom with absolutely nothing, to take off to Florida with his new girlfriend, who he's only known for a month. On top of all that fun he took every penny we had with him. Could life get any better than that? — feeling pissed." I even tagged him in the post. Also, the other woman rides a motorcycle so to me his motorcycle was a symbol of his affair so I slashed his motorcycle tires, I know immature but it was so totally worth it. That night, which was September 4, I took all of his stuff and put it with the trash because his boxes of clothes were still sitting in our kitchen. I was fed up with the back and forth crap and I felt as if I was ready to let go. Prior to this happening I had already confiscated his keys to the house and the garage door opener. I even threw out our wedding pictures, took every picture of anything that reminded me of him down, and took off my wedding ring. I have already seen a lawyer and had a separation agreement made up and he wouldn't sign it! I have told him what a POS he is for doing this to myself and our son. Once he agreed to stop communication with the other woman and to work on our marriage I started to work on it. The cheating part is for sure HIS fault, but both of our marital issues caused us to drift apart. Also, on August 28 I started therapy and I am now on 2 different anti-depressants. I did ask him today why he was being so cold to me and he replied, "just give me some time." I don't want to "go off" more than I already have because he won't want to come home to what made him leave in the first place. I'm trying to live like I normally would've before this happened except I am now working on being happy with myself and how to control my nagging.


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

Also, I have contacted the other woman's family, since she is not married and lives with her parents, and informed them about what was going on.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Facebook is for seeing how your friends grew up with kids are doing. It is not for drama. Keep that stuff to yourself. Share it with trusted friends. You don't need every person in the world offering their advice.

What is worse than taking advice from a total idiot? People here are experienced. I know I was practically nuts when I found out. almost 2 years later, I am settling down. Still take things a day at a time. I have a beautiful girlfriend my kids adore and life is hectic. I still sleep on the floor at home, but my kids have everything they need. 

My life is busy and hectic but I am not with someone who treated me like a piece of crap on the bottom of her shoe. I so desperately did not want to be another divorce statistic but here I am and it's fine.

Find yourself. Work on being a better you. You probably are a bit BAT$H!T crazy now. I know I was when it happened to me. Don't be so desperate to hold onto something that is driving you nuts. Let the crazy go. Your husband is a tool. Open your eyes and see him for what he is.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Jennlrmarshall said:


> Also, I have contacted the other woman's family, since she is not married and lives with her parents, and informed them about what was going on.


How did the parents react, do you know?


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

I took the post down the day I posted it just for that reason! I got caught up in the moment and I'm definitely nuts right now. The parents never replied. I took the 180 advice and told him I wasn't going to put up with his crap and handed him the separation agreement once again. Not even 30 minutes after doing this he texts me and it says, "I'm empty right now. The guilt I have for what I have done is consuming me. I think we should see how therapy goes tomorrow before making a decision." He refused to go to therapy when I told him about it and now he wants to! I expected the 180 to be a lot harder and take a lot longer. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but oh my gosh! 30 minutes! That's amazing! And it feels great!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The 180 is not hard to start it is hard to stick too. What you cannot allow now is trickle truth and back sliding. Not knowing a great deal about what has happened since dday.

Since it appears you email his parents that is a good first step
Does the POS OW have a husband BF, If yes expose there as well.
You need to tell him he needs to be checked for STD's and you need to see the results. By the way get yourself checked as well.

Statics show that most cheaters go unprotected. So look out for yourself

Stay strong


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Jennlrmarshall said:


> I took the post down the day I posted it just for that reason! I got caught up in the moment and I'm definitely nuts right now. The parents never replied. I took the 180 advice and told him I wasn't going to put up with his crap and handed him the separation agreement once again. Not even 30 minutes after doing this he texts me and it says, "I'm empty right now. The guilt I have for what I have done is consuming me. I think we should see how therapy goes tomorrow before making a decision." He refused to go to therapy when I told him about it and now he wants to! I expected the 180 to be a lot harder and take a lot longer. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but oh my gosh! 30 minutes! That's amazing! And it feels great!


If you keep thinking like that, you are going to get played for a fool. The 180 is a long process maybe life long. If you go back to the everything is fine, you are rug-sweeping. That will end in more time here or D. If he isn't telling you the whole truth, i.e. trickle-truth you will divorce. He has to be completely honest else you will head toward false hope.

You are wrong in your attitude. It is NOT great that he is staying! You should kick him to the curb and he deserves it. Why you want this fool is beyond reason, maybe it's love?!

The point is you NEED to be strong, lay down the law and don't be happy or satisfied if he does NOT commit to you entirely. He needs to be utterly transparent! If not your marriage will not survive. Don't be taken in by 30 minutes. He is plotting on telling you as little as possible so he can get to his happy place of you being placated and he can go cavorting again!

You do NOT deserve to be treated like that. You are special and he knows it so if he loses you because he cannot be the man he promised he would be it's his loss not yours! Do NOT be a doormat and do NOT believe it will be easy. If it's too easy, it's not real!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jennlrmarshall said:


> I guess I should've got into much more detail and mentioned my "crazy" behavior. I have told all family and friends and I even shared it with Facebook. The exact post read, "Well I've had an awesome weekend! My husband pawned his son off on his drunk mom with absolutely nothing, to take off to Florida with his new girlfriend, who he's only known for a month. On top of all that fun he took every penny we had with him. Could life get any better than that? — feeling pissed." I even tagged him in the post. Also, the other woman rides a motorcycle so to me his motorcycle was a symbol of his affair so I slashed his motorcycle tires, I know immature but it was so totally worth it. That night, which was September 4, I took all of his stuff and put it with the trash because his boxes of clothes were still sitting in our kitchen. I was fed up with the back and forth crap and I felt as if I was ready to let go. Prior to this happening I had already confiscated his keys to the house and the garage door opener. I even threw out our wedding pictures, took every picture of anything that reminded me of him down, and took off my wedding ring. I have already seen a lawyer and had a separation agreement made up and he wouldn't sign it! I have told him what a POS he is for doing this to myself and our son. Once he agreed to stop communication with the other woman and to work on our marriage I started to work on it. The cheating part is for sure HIS fault, but both of our marital issues caused us to drift apart. Also, on August 28 I started therapy and I am now on 2 different anti-depressants. I did ask him today why he was being so cold to me and he replied, "just give me some time." I don't want to "go off" more than I already have because he won't want to come home to what made him leave in the first place. I'm trying to live like I normally would've before this happened except I am now working on being happy with myself and how to control my nagging.


Actually, I can't fault anything you did, there, to be honest.


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> If you keep thinking like that, you are going to get played for a fool. The 180 is a long process maybe life long. If you go back to the everything is fine, you are rug-sweeping. That will end in more time here or D. If he isn't telling you the whole truth, i.e. trickle-truth you will divorce. He has to be completely honest else you will head toward false hope.
> 
> You are wrong in your attitude. It is NOT great that he is staying! You should kick him to the curb and he deserves it. Why you want this fool is beyond reason, maybe it's love?!
> 
> ...


I know I do NOT deserve this, no one deserves this. I do love him, more than I should. And I was just surprised he made the decision to go to therapy within 30 minutes. I am not a doormat I am a wife who takes her vows seriously, "for better or worse" "until death do us part". I know I sound crazy and foolish, but I just can't give up on my family. I am not going to try to make him stay, that is his decision. I will not waste anymore of my energy on him. I am staying focused on myself and our son and trying to stay positive. This whole situation has not been easy, especially for me. I'm just going to keep living and pray he finds his way back home where he belongs.


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, I can't fault anything you did, there, to be honest.


Really? I thought I had gone insane.


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

mahike said:


> The 180 is not hard to start it is hard to stick too. What you cannot allow now is trickle truth and back sliding. Not knowing a great deal about what has happened since dday.
> 
> Since it appears you email his parents that is a good first step
> Does the POS OW have a husband BF, If yes expose there as well.
> ...


Everybody that needs to know, knows. And i had emailed the other woman's parents because she is single and still lives at home. He actually got checked for stds last week and came back clear thank god. My annual pap is next week and will request to be checked as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jennlrmarshall said:


> I have already seen a lawyer and had a separation agreement made up and he wouldn't sign it!


Separation instead of divorce?

He does not need to sign a separation or divorce agreement. You attorney just draws it up, files it with the court and has him served. Asking for his signature up front is like asking for permission.

Either get an attorney to file it for you, or use the court self-help to file it yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jennlrmarshall said:


> I took the post down the day I posted it just for that reason! I got caught up in the moment and I'm definitely nuts right now. The parents never replied. I took the 180 advice and told him I wasn't going to put up with his crap and handed him the separation agreement once again. Not even 30 minutes after doing this he texts me and it says, "I'm empty right now. The guilt I have for what I have done is consuming me. I think we should see how therapy goes tomorrow before making a decision." He refused to go to therapy when I told him about it and now he wants to! I expected the 180 to be a lot harder and take a lot longer. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but oh my gosh! 30 minutes! That's amazing! And it feels great!


Continue the 180. It's purpose is to keep you sane. It's some game playing to get him to do what you want him to do.

There are some books that I think will help you a lot:

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

"His Needs, Her Needs" 

"Love Busters"


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Continue the 180. It's purpose is to keep you sane. It's some game playing to get him to do what you want him to do.
> 
> There are some books that I think will help you a lot:
> 
> ...


I actually have all of those books, including his needs her needs for parents and the romance workbook that goes along with them. My husband even filled out the emotional needs questionnaire surprisingly.


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

I don't know what to think about what has just happened... We had sex yesterday morning and last night. It was the best sex I think I've ever had.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Jennlrmarshall said:


> I don't know what to think about what has just happened... We had sex yesterday morning and last night. It was the best sex I think I've ever had.


Google hysterical bonding.
Strange but very common, almost cliche.


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Google hysterical bonding.
> Strange but very common, almost cliche.


Well that's what's happening because I want him constantly. Its crazy though how I was the one suggesting "new things" in bed when its usually the other way around. Since this happening his attitude towards me has changed completely, but who knows for how long. Hopefully this is what we needed to start the reconciliation process. I just hope this doesn't fade because lack of sex was one big problem before the affair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, get rid of the other woman by pissing her off. Post her up on cheaterville.com


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## Jennlrmarshall (Sep 11, 2013)

Today my husband came to me and said that we shouldn't be having sex because its too not right. I replied with "it's not right to have sex with your wife?" And he said it was too soon for us to be doing that. I don't know what to think about this and I sure don't know how to control these intense urges to have sex with him.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Ignore him.


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