# Need Advice! idk how to deal with this!!



## yesenia.yr17 (Jul 8, 2014)

So, my husband and I have been together for about 5 years and we have two kids. He has always been the provider for our family so I do not work. My issue is whenever I want to talk about something that is bothering me or I am not happy with, he just gets upset right off the bat. Earlier, I came to him in the most calmest way to him( no attitude or raised voice) and he got upset instantly. He is the kind that does not like to talk about our problems, he would rather not talk about it..like at all! He's been like that since the beginning, he doesn't like to talk about our problems. But I'm like how do we solve our issues without talking??? I honestly do not know if I can deal with this anymore. I have always been the one to "fix" our problems, even if he is the cause of them. I don't know if I am in the wrong with wanting to talk out our problems. I try to meet him in the middle to make us both happy. All he says is "it's always what you want", but it's really not. For example, an issue that I am having with him at the moment is him going out every Saturday and he wont come home till like 2 or 3 in the morning. I trust him btw. He gets off at 6 every Saturday and goes with his close friend at his house and has a couple beers with him. I know this does not sound "normal" but every marriage is different. I am okay with him going to his friends house and relaxing but it is just happening way too often! It has not always been like this, this used to be like every once in a while and now it is every SAturday!! I know he needs his time alone and his time to relax because he works all week but every Saturday??? That's too much. I tell him to come home by a specific hour and he cannot even do that. I tell him 1 am, is that not reasonable?? So today I told him this has to stop. It cannot be every SAturday maybe we can skip some Saturdays, not completely cut it off. He tells me "What If I don't want to?" I am only trying to meet him halfway to make us both happy. I told him if he is not willing to do that for me then "we" are not going to work. I do not know how much longer I can deal with this..Is this normal? Selfish of me? Him? HELP???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have a legitimate grip with this.

Tell us a bit more about your marriage. How many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you?

How's your sex life? Are you both getting the sex that you both want?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

yesenia.yr17 said:


> Is this normal? Selfish of me? Him? HELP???


I think you should pay attention when he shows you that he doesn't want to talk. For some men, the idea of talking automatically makes them think that you're telling them about their failures. Instead of talking, let your behaviors SHOW him if you're unhappy. 

You described his staying out too often, for instance. You said you understand it and you're fine with it sometimes, but it's happening too frequently. You have already TOLD him how you feel, so don't keep doing the same thing, because you'll continue to get the same result. He'll ignore you as he has been doing. 

Instead, install locks that can't be opened from outside and tell him what time you'll be locking them. Then do it. If he has to go to a motel, fine, but do not open them and do NOT talk about your decision. 

At first, he'll resist, argue, call you names... anything to protect his ability to behave any way he wants to. Don't bother getting into all that with him. Just say, "I told you what I'd do, and I meant it." Don't argue over whose house it is, etc. Be a broken record. "I told you. I did what I said I would." 

If you do this, he'll figure out that listening and talking might not always be bad, and to take you seriously when you say something. Once.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Let's see...you married a poor communicator (that you knew from the beginning) and had multiple children. Pardon the sarcasm, but what could go wrong with that?

I'd be more worried that he chooses to not spend time with the children on Saturday (and possibly more...am I wrong?). Are you the one who tucks them in every night? 

"All he says is "it's always what you want", but it's really not."...He also has no concept of mutual respect and tries to bully you. You have been with this same person for 5 years, do YOU really think it will change now? 

You should try what KathyBatesel advised (the locks) if you are strong enough. If he pouts about it (and he will), tell him that it's "always what I want"...remember? And this is "what I want!"


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Legally, you cannot change locks on a spouse in a shared residence. He can call the cops to enforce letting him in. A big scene at 2 a.m. with all your neighbors staring isn't as fun as it sounds.

I'd try a different tactic. Leave for the weekend. Take a trip to the beach or to a relatives or camping. Just don't stay home on Saturday night. Let him come home to an empty house. Leave a note saying where you are and when you'll be back. Even welcome him to come join you. 

If he wants to act like a disinterested husband and father, give him a glimpse on how it will be if you're no longer around.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read His Needs Her Needs. You can get it at any library.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First and foremost, lack of communication will destroy your marriage. His "defensiveness" and ignoring issues is unhealthy and in time.....it will end your marriage.

Think about it, you can't even talk to your husband about ANY issue? So who do you talk to ? Husband should be #1 person in your life......and I bet you feel like he is not even #2 or 5.

You have to stay firm on this and it HAS to change, or you walk.

That is completely unacceptable. Fact that you actually decided to have children with this person/knowing this is also a concern. How did you allow this to happen?

Issues are like snowballs, if you ignore them or don't deal with them, they roll down the hill and get bigger. Longer you wait, harder the crash at the bottom.

Without communication, there is NOTHING in the marriage.

Focus on this, once you start communicating (assuming you will) come to a compromise with the sat night thing. Tell him he gets one Sat and you get the other (keep switching).

If he gets time "without family", shouldn't you either? 

Tell him you will be back at 1-2.....give him taste of his OWN ****. If he doesn't like it or agree, start going out when he gets back from work.....

:sleeping:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Something stands out to me "I told him not to..." "I told him when to come home..."

Are you coming across as a dictator? Perhaps he doesn't want to engage in problem solving because he doesn't want to be told what to do?

When you approach him, does it start with the dreaded "we need to talk" or is it a natural progressing during conversation?

When you do bring up issues, do you start with "you always" or "I want"? Perhaps start with "It makes me feel/I feel/I often feel" and emphasize that you feel you aren't important when he refuses to make you a priority. 

Does he know you want a compromise vs. all-or-nothing?

Have you considered writing a letter or an email to him if he shuts down when you talk? I know some couples use a marriage notebook - she writes a letter and leaves it in the designated spot and he replies to her until a resolution is achieved.

Although I agree he should make his marriage and family more of a priority, your tone is very demanding which may be what makes him shut down.

Food for thought.

(Personally I wouldn't dare lock him out - it is against the law in most places, too.)


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

And if OP's H calls the cops on her instead of "learning" or "seeing" the message (clearly they can't talk about it) then further confirmation you'll NEVER change this person or get him to see your point of view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

yesenia.yr17 said:


> He tells me "What If I don't want to?" ..Is this normal? Selfish of me? Him? HELP???


The next question needs to be "Why don't you want to?". It's probably also the most difficult question, but it is likely going to cut right to the issue.. if he is going to be honest with you. Going out now and then can be healthy, but it's bothering you because your common sense is telling you what your husband is doing is not healthy. HE NEEDS TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

Do not be afraid to be confrontational with him. You are not nagging. You are expecting him to be acting like your husband should act. If he was your boyfriend, then it would be a different story. A married man has no reason to be out past 10 or 11 PM. Is he at least checking in with you?

He needs to learn to relax with you, give you what you need and that will give him what he needs. If he goes out with the boys, he had better be going out with you too.

You are acting like a perfectly normal wife. He is acting like a husband whose intentions and/or priorities need to change.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Have you considered writing a letter or an email to him if he shuts down when you talk? I know some couples use a marriage notebook - she writes a letter and leaves it in the designated spot and he replies to her until a resolution is achieved.


First of all, I am a 53 year old husband of 22 years. This suggestion is one that has worked for my wife and I at times, especially the email. The only problem with email and anything written is that you can't sense emotion or intent because you are not hearing or seeing the other person. I can think of a specific incident where my wife and I had a public spat. Our emotions were so high that the only true way to get them out in a constructive way was to email. As a guy, I found that far less confrontational and I was able to express my thoughts a lot better, probably because I could think about what I was saying, pause, let myself calm down (a big one for most guys because we tend to go from low emotion to high emotion very quickly -- so if my wife doesn't give me a pause in a disagreement, then I can become irrational -- which is also why I don't always like to "talk").


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## Kim C (Jun 9, 2014)

Is his friend married? Are they staying at the house having a few drinks or actually going out? Just wondering if there is another relationship there? Every Saturday until 1AM when you have a wife and kids at home ....ummm no way!! Something doesn't add up.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Kim C said:


> Is his friend married? Are they staying at the house having a few drinks or actually going out? Just wondering if there is another relationship there? Every Saturday until 1AM when you have a wife and kids at home ....ummm no way!! Something doesn't add up.


I agree, he's got something going on because thd FIRST thing he did was paint you as the problem when you are making a reasonable request. He is the one casting an unreasonable expectation. He blame shifted quickly which tells me he is up to no good. It is his duty to respond to you as his wife. My spouse is very sensitive about money so my tactic would be that if he was not home by 11 a hotel will be booked on his dime. My H would be home so fast it would make my head spin. 

You need to go into stealth mode and find out what he is doing. There are evidence gathering threads here that will help you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing I've learned is that as women, we often in our early years (20s, early 30s) have this preconceived notion that we can just tell our husband what to do or rail at him or demand from him and because we're women, they will just do it.

We forget that they have feelings, too. So think about it: when YOU are approached by an angry person, what do YOU do? You retreat, don't you? You protect yourself. Even defend yourself. Even blame the other person to get them to stop. 

So why are we surprised that he's doing this?

If you want to get what you want, use honey, not vinegar, ok? Make it safe to talk to you. Be on the same team. Ask him how HE is feeling, if HIS life is turning out like he expected, what he's missing, and how you can help him achieve that. Once you're on the same team, he will want to please you, and make sure you're happy.

Get back on the same team.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would take that 'it's always what you want' comment at face value. Try to see through his eyes. 

Only approach your husband to talk if you're going to be humble. I would not even get into what you want or feel you deserve from him. I would make it all about trying to understand him and his feelings. You don't have to agree with him, but I wouldn't get into that either. Just try to get behind his eyes, and see things his way.

Really seeking to understand him should make him feel respected. If he feels respected, he will likely share more of himself with you. His trust and comfort level with you will grow. I think he will want to spend time with you without your having to demand it.

You don't want to have to try to strong-arm him into it, do you? You want to have it come from inside himself, the desire to spend more time with you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Imo when someone hits the disrespect stage, you have to lay a boundary of what will not be tolerated first... then seek to understand. 

I think he is past the stage of her seeking to understand first. He just thumbed his nose at her and flipped her off.... that is not acceptable. If she did something that drove him to disrespect her, he can step up and speak to her about it, they can get to the bottom of that and she can apologize and adjust, but his disrespect is not the way to respond and she needs to let him know she will not be accepting that from him.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Can you make other plans for Saturday nights?

For example, can you invite his buddy to come to your house next Saturday for a backyard barbecue and beer, and turn him into a "family friend"? If his friend is married, invite his wife, of course!

Can you suggest hiring a baby-sitter, so you and your husband can go out to dinner next Saturday night? If your H won't do it, then hire the sitter anyway and go out with a friend of yours while he's with his buddy.

Can you schedule a family dinner for Saturday, and invite his family and yours (or other friends)? If he doesn't show up for dinner, that's on him.

Can you accept Saturday evening invitations from family and friends to things they're doing, and go with the kids? Your H can choose to join you or not, but you should go anyway.

Maybe if your H had other options for Saturday nights, AND he saw that you aren't just sitting around waiting for him to come home, he would step up and _choose _to be with you and your kids instead.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You need to go into stealth mode and find out what he is doing. There are evidence gathering threads here that will help you.


I am going to apologize up front for saying this, but I am going to say it -- THAT IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. Stealth is almost never proper for a spouse and there is no way that it can be justified once your spouse finds out. JUST ASK. If he isn't up front then, tell him you are going to be checking on him. Going stealth is not communicating, unless you want to communicate distrust.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> I am going to apologize up front for saying this, but I am going to say it -- THAT IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. Stealth is almost never proper for a spouse and there is no way that it can be justified once your spouse finds out. JUST ASK. If he isn't up front then, tell him you are going to be checking on him. Going stealth is not communicating, unless you want to communicate distrust.


The second the spouse is told you will be checking on him and they are a cheater, they take it underground and evidence that would help you in a divorce settlement would go up in smoke. 

I am ALWAYS an advocate of honesty and direct communication, but when infidelity is suspected, that is the one area imo that steps outside that parameter.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

0P, be careful if you go with control techniques. There may be unintended consequences.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> 0P, be careful if you go with control techniques. There may be unintended consequences.


There can be unintended consequences with any technique jld.

what are you calling control techniques?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> I am going to apologize up front for saying this, but I am going to say it -- THAT IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. Stealth is almost never proper for a spouse and there is no way that it can be justified once your spouse finds out. JUST ASK. If he isn't up front then, tell him you are going to be checking on him. Going stealth is not communicating, unless you want to communicate distrust.


Actually, ^this is what terrible advice looks like. And either way, I'd think that a suspected infidelity would easily fall into the cracks created by your "almost never" statement.

And as for the suspected cheater finding out about any "surveillance"... well, he's either cheating or he isn't. This is how it plays out...

H: "Hey, why have you been checking up on me?"
W: "Well, you've been acting suspicious lately and... oh, would you look at that... a condom wrapper in your truck, lipstick on your collar, sexually explicit texts to and from your ex-girlfriend, and ejaculate in your boxers. Later, f*cker."

...or...

H: "Hey, why have you been checking up on me?"
W: "Well, you've been acting suspicious lately."
H: "Uhhh... OK. I'm not cheating."
W: "Well, I know that... now! Either way, it's beyond time for you to stop acting like a spoiled, entitled d*ck."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> There can be unintended consequences with any technique jld.
> 
> what are you calling control techniques?


Anything designed to give you nonconsensual power over your partner.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Anything designed to give you nonconsensual power over your partner.



Like what

Let me be more direct, are you aiming your comments at my techniques?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Like what


Telling him how to talk, behave, whatever, if he has not voluntarily submitted to your authority.

I am aiming my comments at any control techniques. I think they are risky.

I am not saying they do not work. But I think they're risky.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Telling him how to talk, behave, whatever, if he has not voluntarily submitted to your authority.


She certainly doesn't want to be a mother figure.

However well placed appropriate boundaries with consequences to match the poor choice is inescapable unless she wants to be complicit in her own maltreatment.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> She certainly doesn't want to be a mother figure.
> 
> However well placed appropriate boundaries with consequences to match the poor choice is inescapable unless she wants to be complicit in her own maltreatment.


Let's not escalate this too quickly. She could talk with him first, or more importantly, listen, and see what the problem is. He may feel he is being maltreated in some way. 

Didn't he make comments about how she just does whatever she wants? That is some insight into his thinking.

The control technique path looks hazardous to me. I would not want to be an authority figure to my spouse. Win-win or no deal.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> The second the spouse is told you will be checking on him and they are a cheater, they take it underground and evidence that would help you in a divorce settlement would go up in smoke.
> 
> I am ALWAYS an advocate of honesty and direct communication, but when infidelity is suspected, that is the one area imo that steps outside that parameter.


If you want to destroy your marriage, then approach any misunderstanding as if it is going to lead to divorce. Frankly, any advantage you would gain, if even relevant in a divorce, is not worth the destruction of a relationship.

The worst hurt I have ever experienced from my wife was when she suspected I was cheating, went into stealth mode, and I caught her doing it. I was not cheating. I was not trying to cheat. Our relationship took an immediate dive and that moment is when I began to think of her as potentially my ex-wife.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Let's not escalate this too quickly. She could talk with him first, or more importantly, listen, and see what the problem is. He may feel he is being maltreated in some way.
> 
> Didn't he make comments about how she just does whatever she wants? That is some insight into his thinking.
> 
> The control technique path looks hazardous to me. I would not want to be an authority figure to my spouse. Win-win or no deal.


Both spouses should be authority figures and respected as such. Equal partners. And when it gets out of balance it has to be rebalanced. that's win win. I'm an alpha mare who submits to her alpha H but when he is stepping out on me, I take the reins until he is ready to take them again. I view my H and I as 51%/49%

I get the feeling she has already spoken to him and he is shutting her down which is leading me to believe he is protecting a secret behavior. And if he is, she will have to take the reins, since he abandoned them until he chooses to take them again. But we will see how this unfolds.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Actually, ^this is what terrible advice looks like. And either way, I'd think that a suspected infidelity would easily fall into the cracks created by your "almost never" statement.


How is that bad advice? Stealth is dishonest, communicates distrust. If he isn't cheating, then stealth is a sure way to hurt your partner.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> If you want to destroy your marriage, then approach any misunderstanding as if it is going to lead to divorce. Frankly, any advantage you would gain, if even relevant in a divorce, is not worth the destruction of a relationship.
> 
> The worst hurt I have ever experienced from my wife was when she suspected I was cheating, went into stealth mode, and I caught her doing it. I was not cheating. I was not trying to cheat. Our relationship took an immediate dive and that moment is when I began to think of her as potentially my ex-wife.



Oh absolutely... it is not wise to treat any misunderstanding as if it will lead to divorce. 

My stealth mode saved my marriage and my husband was glad I wanted to protect the boundaries of my marriage, stealth or not. I had already come to him to ask him the truth of a relationship and he lied. It was in stealth mode I found otherwise and after confronting him with the evidence within a week he cut off his behavior on his own. 

I'm actually shocked you would look at her with such contempt for wanting to protect what is hers.. hmmm must have been done in a certain way to hurt you that bad.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Both spouses should be authority figures and respected as such. Equal partners. And when it gets out of balance it has to be rebalanced. that's win win. I'm an alpha mare who submits to her alpha H but when he is stepping out on me, I take the reins until he is ready to take them again. I view my H and I as 51%/49%
> 
> I get the feeling she has already spoken to him and he is shutting her down which is leading me to believe he is protecting a secret behavior. And if he is, she will have to take the reins, since he abandoned them until he chooses to take them again. But we will see how this unfolds.


I could not stay with someone who would step on me intentionally. If sincere communication did not work, I think I would have to call it quits.

I am guessing you are the one who decides when it's out of balance?

As far as the secret behavior, well, something is going on. I hope it's something like just enjoying too many beers for too long at his friend's house. Although excessive drinking is a problem, too.

Taking the reins is one option. I just would not feel comfortable with that. I would feel really uncomfortable with that. I could not respect a man I had to take the reins for.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> How is that bad advice? Stealth is dishonest, communicates distrust. If he isn't cheating, then stealth is a sure way to hurt your partner.


You're speaking in platitudes. And, while that's fine and all, those who engage in adulterous behavior seldom cop to it, _even when confronted w/ *hard evidence*_.

So... OK sure... Just be up front and ask your spouse whether or not he or she is cheating. _But be prepared to hear a lie._ Will it be a lie? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, if you have sufficient reason to suspect it (much less _ask_), will you take a "No" at face value? 

Aaaaaand... if he or she is cheating, the aforementioned "soft" confrontation will only prompt him or her to take the affair underground, making it even harder for you to detect... and driving you crazy in the process.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Gus, don't you think marital counseling is a step that could be considered, instead of spying? What if one spouse is simply paranoid?

And if you really don't trust your spouse, should you be staying with them, anyway?


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I'm actually shocked you would look at her with such contempt for wanting to protect what is hers.. hmmm must have been done in a certain way to hurt you that bad.


I came home one evening from work, my wife not home, went upstairs to our bedroom. That is where our desk, PC, and printer were at (small house). I turned on the PC and printer. It immediately started out pages from my blog, results of a tag search she had done. None of the pages were incriminating, but she found some of my thoughts offensive (and you really had to be trying to find them offensive to think that way -- I am just not as conservative of a Christian as my wife is). But her intent was to try to prove I was cheating and it was obvious, especially after I confronted her about it. I was not cheating.

This came literally days after I had asked her to sit down with me and go through my blog together. She did not like that I was writing a public blog that she was not a part of. I understood in part, but her resistance to actually read what I was writing was hurtful to me.

Catching her later stalking my blog was even more hurtful.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

yesenia.yr17 said:


> So, my husband and I have been together for about 5 years and we have two kids. He has always been the provider for our family so I do not work. My issue is whenever I want to talk about something that is bothering me or I am not happy with, he just gets upset right off the bat. Earlier, I came to him in the most calmest way to him( no attitude or raised voice) and he got upset instantly. He is the kind that does not like to talk about our problems, he would rather not talk about it..like at all! He's been like that since the beginning, he doesn't like to talk about our problems. But I'm like how do we solve our issues without talking??? I honestly do not know if I can deal with this anymore. I have always been the one to "fix" our problems, even if he is the cause of them. I don't know if I am in the wrong with wanting to talk out our problems. I try to meet him in the middle to make us both happy. All he says is "it's always what you want", but it's really not. For example, an issue that I am having with him at the moment is him going out every Saturday and he wont come home till like 2 or 3 in the morning. I trust him btw. He gets off at 6 every Saturday and goes with his close friend at his house and has a couple beers with him. I know this does not sound "normal" but every marriage is different. I am okay with him going to his friends house and relaxing but it is just happening way too often! It has not always been like this, this used to be like every once in a while and now it is every SAturday!! I know he needs his time alone and his time to relax because he works all week but every Saturday??? That's too much. I tell him to come home by a specific hour and he cannot even do that. I tell him 1 am, is that not reasonable?? So today I told him this has to stop. It cannot be every SAturday maybe we can skip some Saturdays, not completely cut it off. He tells me "What If I don't want to?" I am only trying to meet him halfway to make us both happy. I told him if he is not willing to do that for me then "we" are not going to work. I do not know how much longer I can deal with this..Is this normal? Selfish of me? Him? HELP???


I suggest to read the book 'Read His Needs Her Needs'


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You're speaking in platitudes. And, while that's fine and all, those who engage in adulterous behavior seldom cop to it, _even when confronted w/ *hard evidence*_.
> 
> So... OK sure... Just be up front and ask your spouse whether or not he or she is cheating. _But be prepared to hear a lie._ Will it be a lie? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, if you have sufficient reason to suspect it (much less _ask_), will you take a "No" at face value?
> 
> Aaaaaand... if he or she is cheating, the aforementioned "soft" confrontation will only prompt him or her to take the affair underground, making it even harder for you to detect... and driving you crazy in the process.


So the only question to ask is "Are you cheating?"? Why stoop to behavior that is also disrespectful, even dishonest? What if they are telling the truth? Either you trust me or you don't, but don't create tension by refusing to communicate that distrust.

It's not a platitude, it's encouraging honest communication.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Gus, don't you think marital counseling is a step that could be considered, instead of spying? What if one spouse is simply paranoid?
> 
> And if you really don't trust your spouse, should you be staying with them, anyway?



People are not perfect all the time. I manage the person who shows up. If their integrity is in tact I handle that one way. If its not I handle it another way. 

No, my husband is quite capable of putting me in my place, trust me. I am married to an imperfect person and my H is married to an imperfect person. We are both focused on walking in honesty, grace, humility and strength. But either one of us could make poor choices. I'm glad that I and my husband both can separate our who from our bad choices, and ask each other to choose better behavior. Its done with direct honest, calm communication and forgiveness.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Gus, don't you think marital counseling is a step that could be considered, instead of spying? What if one spouse is simply paranoid?
> 
> And if you really don't trust your spouse, should you be staying with them, anyway?


There are no spouses that are 100% trustworthy... Sorry... At best someone would have 99.99. To think otherwise is not wise and unrealistic.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Gus, don't you think marital counseling is a step that could be considered, instead of spying? What if one spouse is simply paranoid?


Sure, MC could be considered. But I'd have to know that it was even worth my time before taking that step. So yeah, I'd think that at least _some_ investigation would be in order.

Consider some of the stories over in CWI involving a WS lying not only to the BS about his or her affair, but to the MC as well. Acoa's thread comes to mind -- his wife spent a couple of years lying to him AND their MC after he caught her in what he initially thought was an EA. Well, it turns out that she'd been sleeping w/ _at least_ two other guys, and probably that entire time, if not longer.



jld said:


> And if you really don't trust your spouse, should you be staying with them, anyway?


Platitudes sound good and all, but they don't really allow for things like human nature, specifically the propensity for deceit that so many of us seem to display. After all, not everyone is a gleaming paragon of honesty and virtue.

Again, I think that at least some initial investigation would be in order when a spouse begins displaying untrustworthy behavior, and this is because virtually no one wants to throw aside what may be an otherwise good relationship if there's nothing shady going on.

And yeah, there should be a reasonable cut-off point as well.

Bottom line -- OP's husband is behaving in a childish, selfish, and untrustworthy manner, and I'd second BL's advice that she start some _discrete_ digging.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> So the only question to ask is "Are you cheating?"? Why stoop to behavior that is also disrespectful, even dishonest? What if they are telling the truth? Either you trust me or you don't, but don't create tension by refusing to communicate that distrust.
> 
> It's not a platitude, it's encouraging honest communication.


OK, so how would you start the conversation? Before you respond, consider this... _It doesn't matter how you start the conversation._ Once you communicate suspicion of any kind, walls are going to start going up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I'm actually shocked you would look at her with such contempt for wanting to protect what is hers.. .


Okay, Blossom, here may be the source of our disconnect. I don't see my marriage as mine. I don't see my husband as mine. We are freely together. We are freely committed to monogamy. And we both trust each other utterly.

If for some reason one or the other of us didn't want it anymore, it would be over. I sure would not try to keep somebody with me who did not wholeheartedly want to be with me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> There are no spouses that are 100% trustworthy... Sorry... At best someone would have 99.99. To think otherwise is not wise and unrealistic.


Well, I trust DH 100%.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Here's the trend that I see in this thread...

jld and wtl: "Have faith that people will show you the very best in themselves."

BL and Gus: "Wow. How incredibly naive."

And actually, jld... ^this is probably a pretty good summary of every bit of debate that you and I have ever had w/ each other.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Here's the trend that I see in this thread...
> 
> jld and wtl: "Have faith that people will show you the very best in themselves."
> 
> ...


Gus and BL, I am really sorry that your spouses betrayed your trust.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Gus and BL, I am really sorry that your spouses betrayed your trust.


jld, this isn't just about having experienced infidelity, as there has been no shortage of people in my life -- including my early life -- that have taught me that it is nothing short of foolish to have 100% trust in anyone. I suspect that many people -- yourself included -- have had similar experiences.

My marriage -- for many years -- was a refuge from this rampant distrust, and I hope every day that, w/ continued hard work on the part of both Mrs. Gus and myself, I can get back to that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I hope so, too, Gus. I really do.

But I really and truly have 100% trust in dh, at least as far as infidelity goes. 

Remembering to take out the recycling might be another matter . . .


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> He has always been the provider for our family so I do not work.


Problem number one. It puts you in a position of weakness on a number of levels. 

I would always recommend any woman be independent but with certain male personality types, its a requirement in order to maintain control balance in the relationship. You have one of those men...he's exploiting your inadequacy at not being self-sufficient. 




> For example, an issue that I am having with him at the moment is him going out every Saturday and he wont come home till like 2 or 3 in the morning. I trust him btw. He gets off at 6 every Saturday and goes with his close friend at his house and has a couple beers with him. I know this does not sound "normal" but every marriage is different. I am okay with him going to his friends house and relaxing but it is just happening way too often! It has not always been like this, this used to be like every once in a while and now it is every SAturday!! I know he needs his time alone and his time to relax because he works all week but every Saturday??? That's too much. I tell him to come home by a specific hour and he cannot even do that. I tell him 1 am, is that not reasonable?? So today I told him this has to stop. It cannot be every SAturday maybe we can skip some Saturdays, not completely cut it off. He tells me "What If I don't want to?" I am only trying to meet him halfway to make us both happy. I told him if he is not willing to do that for me then "we" are not going to work. I do not know how much longer I can deal with this..Is this normal? Selfish of me? Him? HELP???


I actually disagree that him working until 6pm and then staying out until 2 or 3 chilling with his friend is a big deal. The guy has the sole financial burden in the home and he may feel that it takes this time to relax. Its really not that long of a time out of a week.

Frankly, if someone told me what I could and couldn't do, it wouldn't go very well. I do what I want. I'm with my partner because I want to be with him and I enjoy his company. I can almost guarantee you that the more you try this tact, the harder he's going to try to stay away. He'll simply start HATING coming home. Is that what you want?

So if I were you...the question I'd be asking myself is why doesn't he want to be around me? Why can't he relax around me?

As a non-working spouse, part of your responsibility is to understand that he may require some serious downtime after work and provide that. There's a reason he doesn't want to come home. I'd be really concerned if my husband hated coming home to me and definitely wouldn't handle it by getting dictatorial like a repetitive and annoying ball & chain. No man wants to deal with that noise. Instead, I'd actually figure out what he's missing from me that he feels it needs to get it somewhere else.

If I were you, I'd also work on having my own life. Its never attractive to be sitting around waiting for someone...especially someone who clearly isn't enjoying your company. Maybe when he's out, you should spend some time working on having your own pastimes and interests. Use the time to get your own life. There's something very attractive about a person who maintains some of their individuality in a relationship.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> I am going to apologize up front for saying this, but I am going to say it -- THAT IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. Stealth is almost never proper for a spouse and there is no way that it can be justified once your spouse finds out. JUST ASK. If he isn't up front then, tell him you are going to be checking on him. Going stealth is not communicating, unless you want to communicate distrust.


AYFKM? Cheater don't lie?

Not sure id go full stealth at this point. I'd prolly sniff around first to see if I quietly see more red flags. Ie no electronic intel at this point.

I see one big red flag but only one. 3AM is quite late.

But the above post is about the least useful thing I've seen here in a while.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

lol...I work up to 60 hours a week and I'm a night owl. I stay up late every weekend when I have the time too. Night owls regularly enjoy late nights out...its not unusual.

When I was married, I had a regular Friday night poker night with my girls and stayed out until 3-4am all the time. Part of it was that my worklife was stressful and I needed the fun, laughs and relaxation....part of it was that my ex was an annoying guy and I hated coming home if he was there.

These days, I love spending every Friday night with my partner. And that's because he's the best person for me to relax and unwind with and I love every minute of his company.

Bossing, controlling and nagging isn't gonna make this guy come home. In fact, completely the opposite.

But if you work on becoming someone he wants to come home to because you provide a fun, soft place for him to land after a hard workweek, you might be successful.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Other than getting a full-time job, Nikita, I think I agree with everything you said.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Here's the trend that I see in this thread...
> 
> jld and wtl: "Have faith that people will show you the very best in themselves."
> 
> ...


Now I get it... Big disconnect. Great insight Gus. Thank you!!!!!!


I trusted my husband 1000% right before he cheated on me. I had never trusted anyone before like I trusted him so his affair was particularly devastating until I realized no human being deserves that level of trust. And totally changed my approach to relationships afterward.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am still going to give it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> I am still going to give it.


I still give it too. Mine is just salted thoroughly with realism.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Other than getting a full-time job, Nikita, I think I agree with everything you said.


My point was that when you're dealing with someone who's dominant, it helps if you have a strong negotiating position.

This person isn't working and isn't independent. So her husband's mindset is probably that if he does whatever he wants to do, she's a dependent. What's she gonna do, leave me and support herself? Without saying the words, that's pretty much what he's saying in his head.

And the best answer to some controlling, domineering jagoff asking that question is to be in a position where you say "yep, that's exactly what I'll do!"

Not all...but most partnerships....are a battle for leverage and control. If you have no power and are in no position to negotiate, you don't put yourself in a very attractive position.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> OK, so how would you start the conversation? Before you respond, consider this... _It doesn't matter how you start the conversation._ Once you communicate suspicion of any kind, walls are going to start going up.


Does not matter if it is suspicion.. what is important is that it is communication. The guy knows why the questions are being asked, any semi-intelligent man would, and will know that the questions should be asked.

Once again, if I am being investigated without my knowledge, it's a guilty verdict without being given the chance for a defense.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Once again, if I am being investigated without my knowledge, it's a guilty verdict without being given the chance for a defense.



:iagree:

I know its common advice on here to sneak around after your partner but I think its kind of pathetic.

A) I wouldn't bother staying in a relationship if I had to bother doing this with my partner and...
B) If someone did this to me, I'd dump them faster than the speed of light.

Why even bother being in a relationship if this is what you have to resort to? No thanks...


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> AYFKM? Cheater don't lie?
> 
> Not sure id go full stealth at this point. I'd prolly sniff around first to see if I quietly see more red flags. Ie no electronic intel at this point.
> 
> ...


Then you don't value communication. It doesn't matter if the other person is telling a lie. Eventually even the best of liars get caught.

Assuming your spouse is cheating without asking is WRONG. If they are not cheating, going behind their back is going to destroy THEIR trust in you! If you ask and they can't answer while looking you in the eye, then ask them to prove it, show you their email, phone, whatever you need to see. Do it up front.

How is that not useful or good, wise advice? It's advice from with someone with enough experience to know that honesty on BOTH SIDES is the best policy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> Does not matter if it is suspicion.. what is important is that it is communication. The guy knows why the questions are being asked, any semi-intelligent man would, and will know that the questions should be asked.
> 
> Once again, if I am being investigated without my knowledge, it's a guilty verdict without being given the chance for a defense.


Want, if your wife had come to you and said, Honey, I'm having thoughts I really don't want to have, but I just feel like I have to share them with you. Is that okay?

And if you had said yes, and she had gone on to tell you her fidelity concerns, would you have taken it better?


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

jld said:


> Want, if your wife had come to you and said, Honey, I'm having thoughts I really don't want to have, but I just feel like I have to share them with you. Is that okay?
> 
> And if you had said yes, and she had gone on to tell you her fidelity concerns, would you have taken it better?


Yes. Without a doubt. In my case, that has happened. She asked me flat out if I was having an affair. She told me two reasons why -- 1. She had cut me off for a long, long time!, 2. I was spending a lot of time on my own.

It opened up discussion that we should have been having for quite a while, made it a lot easier for me to not get defensive when she asked "what are you doing tonight?" and several similar questions, for one.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I certainly would JLD.

To me, its honest and it initiates a conversation where you can discuss things that would help the other person figure out what your needs are. And when two people are listening to each other, it helps everything else in the relationship...including sex.

I finally have the kind of relationship at this point in my life where the first person I want to tell anything to is my partner. I'm fairly certain he feels the same way about me. If we can maintain that, we'll maintain our relationship.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Lila said:


> The problem with attempts to "gather evidence" is that there is never a endpoint. Once doubt sets in, then there can never be enough evidence to prove fidelity. People make themselves crazy with doubt.
> 
> I agree that once the one spouse stops trusting the other, whether deserving or not, the damage to the relationship is irreparable. Nothing will ever be the same again. They'll always have that little voice in the back of their minds that questions everything their partner does, says, and worst yet, doesn't do/say.
> 
> Maybe a couple of good topics for a threads should be "When Is Enough, Enough?" and "How to Overcome Unsubstantiated Moments of Doubt" :scratchhead:


No they dont, unless mental illness is present most gain some peace and reason about it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I would have a problem with a spouse who has to be out every weekend without me until past the wee hours of the night.

Why?


Is there too much drinking going on?

Who are they with?

Why don't they want to be home with their family?

Don't they want to be intimate with their spouse?

My sniff test says there is a problem here.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> No they dont, unless mental illness is present most gain *some* peace and reason about it.


BL, please be honest. You called your husband an SOB in another thread yesterday. You are angry. And mostly sad. And you are trying to make sure you are never hurt like that again. And all those control measures reflect that.

I am sure all those feelings are normal. I am sure they are also very painful. And it undoubtedly affects how you see everybody's marriages, not just your own.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> BL, please be honest. You called your husband an SOB in another thread yesterday. You are angry. And mostly sad. And you are trying to make sure you are never hurt like that again. And all those control measures reflect that.
> 
> I am sure all those feelings are normal. I am sure they are also very painful. And it undoubtedly affects how you see everybody's marriages, not just your own.


Wow.. you are quite presumptious. 

Unbelievable JLD

Put me down all you want to Baby... 

I have some serious success in my home

I owe you no explanations nor do I have to prove myself to you. The proof in the effectiveness of my blended techniques are in the pudding Baby.

I have the man who touches my soul easily. My son has his Daddy at home and we three are builing a future. And a fast turn around...

Love how you pull things out of context. Great technique.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Well, I trust DH 100%.





jld said:


> I hope so, too, Gus. I really do.
> 
> But *I really and truly have 100% trust in dh*, at least as far as infidelity goes.
> 
> Remembering to take out the recycling might be another matter . . .


Hey, that's great! Seriously. I'm happy for you, and I earnestly hope that your husband never gives you a reason to doubt him in that regard. 



jld said:


> I am still going to give it.


Until you have a reason not to. And, again, I hope that never happens to you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> BL, please be honest. You called your husband an SOB in another thread yesterday. You are angry. And mostly sad. And you are trying to make sure you are never hurt like that again. And all those control measures reflect that.
> 
> I am sure all those feelings are normal. I am sure they are also very painful. And it undoubtedly affects how you see everybody's marriages, not just your own.


It's possible for most of us to feel more than a single emotion at a time, and w/ respect to a given person, relationship, or situation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lila said:


> The problem with attempts to "gather evidence" is that there is never a endpoint. Once doubt sets in, then there can never be enough evidence to prove fidelity. People make themselves crazy with doubt.
> 
> I agree that once the one spouse stops trusting the other, whether deserving or not, the damage to the relationship is irreparable. Nothing will ever be the same again. They'll always have that little voice in the back of their minds that questions everything their partner does, says, and worst yet, doesn't do/say.
> 
> Maybe a couple of good topics for a threads should be "When Is Enough, Enough?" and "How to Overcome Unsubstantiated Moments of Doubt" :scratchhead:


Having been there myself, I can tell you that this is at least _mostly_ incorrect. But even then, there is a difference between being vigilant and being suspicious.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> It's possible for most of us to feel more than a single emotion at a time, and w/ respect to a given person, relationship, or situation.


Thank you... At the time my H was ACTING like an SOB you better believe I saw a spade as a spade. And KNEW he had the capacity to choose better, I made it clear I would accept no less for myself and our son. And conciously chose to set up the environment that made it clear that was his best choice, to honor his family and stop acting in dangerous ways. I had to keep safety, peace and calm waters around our son until my H chose the same. I will not apologize to anyone for knocking hus D$%& in the dirt to protect me and my son. Nor be shamed for it. MY son is no longer afraid to come home nor am I. 

So take your high horse right on away from me jld... You know NOT of what you speak regarding me and my situation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Thank you... At the time my H was ACTING like an SOB you better believe I saw a spade as a spade. And KNEW he had the capacity to choose better, I made it clear I would accept no less for myself and our son. And conciously chose to set up the environment that made it clear that was his best choice, to honor his family and stop acting in dangerous ways. I had to keep safety, peace and calm waters around our son until my H chose the same. I will not apologize to anyone for knocking hus D$%& in the dirt to protect me and my son. Nor be shamed for it. MY son is no longer afraid to come home nor am I.
> 
> So take your high horse right on away from me jld... You know NOT of what you speak regarding me and my situation.


When I read your earlier response a little while ago, you seemed angry to me, and I thought I would wait a bit before I posted to you.

I was not trying to hurt your feelings, Blossom. I was trying to be understanding and compassionate in my post, as well as honest. I am sorry it was not received that way.

I think it best to stop there. If you want to talk, let me know. And you absolutely do not owe me or anyone any explanations.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Thank you... At the time my H was ACTING like an SOB you better believe I saw a spade as a spade. And KNEW he had the capacity to choose better, I made it clear I would accept no less for myself and our son. And conciously chose to set up the environment that made it clear that was his best choice, to honor his family and stop acting in dangerous ways. I had to keep safety, peace and calm waters around our son until my H chose the same. I will not apologize to anyone for knocking hus D$%& in the dirt to protect me and my son. Nor be shamed for it. MY son is no longer afraid to come home nor am I.
> 
> So take your high horse right on away from me jld... *You know NOT of what you speak regarding me and my situation.*


It would seem that this could be said of at least a few of the posters in this thread. Seriously... I find myself wondering whether or not some of them make a habit of telling paraplegics how easy it is to walk.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jld said:


> I was not trying to hurt your feelings, Blossom. I was trying to be understanding and compassionate in my post, as well as honest. I am sorry it was not received that way.


That seems to happen a lot, jld. Maybe that would be a good area of growth you could look at.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> That seems to happen a lot, jld. Maybe that would be a good area of growth you could look at.


Feel free to elaborate. I do not really get things that are not clearly explained.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> When I read your earlier response a little while ago, you seemed angry to me, and I thought I would wait a bit before I posted to you.
> 
> I was not trying to hurt your feelings, Blossom. I was trying to be understanding and compassionate in my post, as well as honest. I am sorry it was not received that way.
> 
> I think it best to stop there. If you want to talk, let me know. And you absolutely do not owe me or anyone any explanations.


Dont address my situation flippantly please and accuse me of being less of the woman that I am. When I had to protect my son when my husband chose to express his emotions with a weapon, I was more concerned with the dignity of my husband than I was for my own safety when I moved towards him to remove the weapon from his hand and remind him of who he is and remind him if our gorgeous son. His heart is ALWAYS my concern in the mist of dire circumstances. Though it was so bad, I could see the potential and knew my strength to overcome with him if he chose it. And he did...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Dont address my situation flippantly please and acuse me of being less of the woman that I am.


You felt like I was being flippant? That is how it sounded to you? Less than a woman? 



> When I had to protect my son when my husband chose to express his emotions with a weapon, I was more concerned with the dignity of my husband than I was for my own safety when I moved towards him to remove the weapon from his hand and remind him of who he is and remind him if our gorgeous son.


I thought it was just cheating. I did not realize arms were involved. How absolutely frightening for you.



> His heart is ALWAYS my concern in the mist of dire circumstances. Though it was so bad, I could see the potential and knew my strength to overcome with him if he chose it. And he did...


I am sure you love him and your son very much, Blossom.

You certainly don't have to talk about it, but it helps a lot of us when we share our experiences. Just getting it out can help.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lila said:


> The problem with attempts to "gather evidence" is that there is never a endpoint. Once doubt sets in, then there can never be enough evidence to prove fidelity. People make themselves crazy with doubt.
> 
> I agree that once the one spouse stops trusting the other, whether deserving or not, the damage to the relationship is irreparable. Nothing will ever be the same again. They'll always have that little voice in the back of their minds that questions everything their partner does, says, and worst yet, doesn't do/say.
> 
> Maybe a couple of good topics for a threads should be "When Is Enough, Enough?" and "How to Overcome Unsubstantiated Moments of Doubt" :scratchhead:





GusPolinski said:


> Having been there myself, I can tell you that this is at least _mostly_ incorrect. But even then, there is a difference between being vigilant and being suspicious.


The intent of my reply to your post was not to offend, nor do I see how it could have been interpreted in such a way that it would. I meant only to say that what seemed to be a postulation on your part doesn't necessarily comprise a general rule that applies to everyone.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Having been there myself, I can tell you that this is at least _mostly_ incorrect. But even then, there is a difference between being vigilant and being suspicious.


Hmmmm... seems to be a pattern here..... feeling contrary?:smthumbup:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> BL, please be honest. You called your husband an SOB in another thread yesterday. You are angry. And mostly sad. And you are trying to make sure you are never hurt like that again. And all those control measures reflect that.
> 
> I am sure all those feelings are normal. I am sure they are also very painful. And it undoubtedly affects how you see everybody's marriages, not just your own.



Like I havent been honest all this time? And that I dont have the capacity to separate my situation from someone elses's.... You deeply underestimate me. 

And yes, there were arms involved. And yet it was STILL turned around... And between the strategies thd Good Lord taught me and His power working in H heart we are in a totally new ground and progressing out of that pit.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

A discussion best led for a different day. 

Take it outside if you must.

OP has enough to deal with....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Revamped said:


> A discussion best led for a different day.
> 
> Take it outside if you must.
> 
> OP has enough to deal with....


OP, are you coming back?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> Hmmmm... seems to be a pattern here..... feeling contrary?:smthumbup:


No, not at all. :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jld said:


> Feel free to elaborate. I do not really get things that are not clearly explained.


You ALWAYS try to be compassionate, yet you often frustrate people here with your inability to see anyone's viewpoint but your own. If people would only just be more compassionate, stronger, smarter, less affected by harsh words, the way YOU do it, everyone would have no problems, like YOU.

I know, I know, you do have problems, we don't know your background. That doesn't stop you from completely invalidating people who don't do things the way you do.

IMO, your plan, your method is great. In a vacuum. It doesn't take into account people's FOOs, their personal inadequacies, their addictive personalities, their low self esteem, their codependency, their cultural differences. 

You struggled, you overcame, you had an amazing husband dropped in your lap who instantly loved you and never hurt you, and, guess what? Therefore, it's easy for you to say 'just do what I did!' The difference is that most of the rest of us have not had the good grace to have a great husband/wife dropped in our life and thus have our marriage be AMAZING like yours (and I'm not discussing family illnesses, etc., which many people have to deal with, too). Instead, we've faced difficulties on top of our personal issues and struggled to come out a better person. You VERY often just dismiss this and then argue with people who say 'it's not that easy.' Maybe for you, it IS easy because you have an amazing support system. Many of US...don't.

So since you seem to be all about learning and growing - as you continuously espouse to US - maybe this would be a great place for you to do some introspection and see if you are, indeed, being as helpful and compassionate and empathetic as you think you are. Because I'll tell you - you're leaving a trail of people here with bad tastes in their mouths. I have no room to speak because my 'method' is to be brutally honest from MY viewpoint, but you're asking, so I'm explaining.

JMHO

yesenia, I apologize for the T/J.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I really appreciate your response, turnera. And I'm going to copy it into another thread that I'm going to start, to avoid a thread jack.

Please know that I think it is always a gift when we are honest and open with one another, regardless of anyone's feelings.

When our feelings are hurt, it is often a sign that we need to look inside.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

1. What is the problem with one spouse staying out late? Especially if you know where he is, who he is with and pretty much what he is doing? I would only think this is a problem if he never wants to do anything as a family or couple. Otherwise, I'd let him have his nite.

2. I do not understand how grown ups think they can just tell someone else what to do.... like a parent, and expect that the other grown up person will respect that. If my H talked to me in that manner, I'd have to go out an extra night a week just to make my point. 

Sooooooooooo..... either learn to live with it, and let him have his one night out each week, or figure out how to come at this problem like a grown up who isn't his parent.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> 1. What is the problem with one spouse staying out late? Especially if you know where he is, who he is with and pretty much what he is doing? I would only think this is a problem if he never wants to do anything as a family or couple. Otherwise, I'd let him have his nite.
> 
> 2. I do not understand how grown ups think they can just tell someone else what to do.... like a parent, and expect that the other grown up person will respect that. If my H talked to me in that manner, I'd have to go out an extra night a week just to make my point.
> 
> Sooooooooooo..... either learn to live with it, and let him have his one night out each week, or figure out how to come at this problem like a grown up who isn't his parent.



OP advised that she can't communicate with her H. Whenever she tries to speak with him about marital concerns, the H gets upset and refuses to talk about their M. She knew this from the beginning, so this is on her. I strongly assume this is the recent example of their marital problems and OP is realizing she made a poor choice for a H and Father to her children. Without further background (OP only posted once and never replied to any 'advice' given) we only know what is bothering the OP at present about her M. 

It appears normal communication doesn't work in their M so she issued an ultimatum seeing as her H won't discuss their marital issues. The H's reply was "What if I don't want to?" further closing the dialogue about the subject. It already appears that the H behaves as a child, and did so before the OP behaved like a parent.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SunnyT said:


> 1. What is the problem with one spouse staying out late? Especially if you know where he is, who he is with and pretty much what he is doing? *I would only think this is a problem if he never wants to do anything as a family or couple. *Otherwise, I'd let him have his nite.
> 
> 2. I do not understand how grown ups think they can just tell someone else what to do.... like a parent, and expect that the other grown up person will respect that. If my H talked to me in that manner, I'd have to go out an extra night a week just to make my point.
> 
> Sooooooooooo..... either learn to live with it, and let him have his one night out each week, or figure out how to come at this problem like a grown up who isn't his parent.


i agree basically, but as in the sentence I bolded from your post, I had the impression that he never wants to do anything with the family. Weekend nights are the only time a lot of us have off for anything fun so if he is always off drinking to odd hours, then, yeah, i see that as a problem.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, but she can still change her approach to him, learning and growing, and becoming someone who doesn't devolve into a screaming unhappy wife - instead a smarter, wiser wife who's willing to meet halfway. And if he won't, she'll figure it out and see what needs to happen next.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> Not all...but most partnerships....are a battle for leverage and control.


It seems like you might be right about this. I would not feel very happy like that. I hate power struggles.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> most partnerships....are a battle for leverage and control.


According to Getting The Love You Want, they don't start out that way but, once each partner realizes that the other isn't going to be dedicated to making them (the first partner) happy, but rather is expecting to be MADE happy...then the power struggle begins. It's neither's fault; it's human nature.

If you're really lucky, you meet someone who didn't come to the table with their own issues, so that they can re-right the ship and make it smooth sailing. But most of us are not that lucky and spend the rest of our marriage trying to find a place where we can each get a semblance of normalcy and happiness.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like selfishness.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Duh. That's what happens when you don't marry a 'perfect partner,' jld. You scramble to protect yourself.

You apparently are one of the only people on this earth to be lucky enough to marry someone smart enough, confident enough, UN-dysfunctional enough to keep you happy.

The rest of us? Fight to get a semblance of happiness in our lives.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> It seems like you might be right about this. I would not feel very happy like that. I hate power struggles.


This isn't indicative of all relationships. But relationships where one partner puts themselves in a severe disadvantage (ie, not working) combined with immaturity...its generally the case.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Kim C said:


> Is his friend married? Are they staying at the house having a few drinks or actually going out? Just wondering if there is another relationship there? Every Saturday until 1AM when you have a wife and kids at home ....ummm no way!! Something doesn't add up.


:iagree: Is it possible they are going to a strip club?


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