# How Has Sex Changed Throughout Your Reconcilliation?



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

We have been in R from the very beginning a year and a half ago. Married 20+ years. He had a long term PA that totally blindsided and destroyed me in so many ways. Our jobs and family obligations are demanding but we are still in MC and put forth a lot of effort in R.

Within all of that, I still struggle with our sex life. In the beginning, we jumped right back into it - which I later learned here on TAM that it was just hysterical bonding. It did feel good for awhile and some days just helped decrease the stress if nothing else. As months passed though, reality set back in and our romantic nights and afternoon delights became less and less frequent and intense.

Now I feel lost. Last night was our first time in a few weeks. He has been traveling and life has been generally busy. I was so ready for some attention. In the end, it was just OK. Fairly abrupt. I fell asleep disappointed and wondering if I did something to turn him off.

My questions to WS's among you is , Do you feel differently toward your BS in the bedroom now? Are they as attractive to you now as before the A? Do you ever initiate/participate in sex out of pity or obligation toward your BS.? do it because you are supposed to ? Do it to test if you have genuine feelings for them?

My questions for the BS's among us are, Do you feel less special than before DDay? Do you ever doubt your WS's sincerity toward wanting sex with you? Do you ever wonder if you are just the shell and that their mind and heart are really somewhere else at the moment?

By the way, I truly don't believe that my WH is still in the A. The signs just aren't there, but I am watching and he knows it. Our infrequency lately has truly been more due to our schedules than anything else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. But it was more down on how I viewed myself. I felt that somehow I had failed my wife by not being enough of a man for her. Well, if I'd been enough of a man for her, she wouldn't have had to have taken on a lover, would she? 

When we started having sex again after her affair ended, I found I could not maintain a full erection, I suddenly had problems with finishing too quickly (that had never happened before) which made my wife resent me and the fact that "I started what I couldn't finish."

The sex life of a couple where the other spouse strays is often wrecked on the reef of their infidelity.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Still so sad, ending the affair does not rebuild the romantic relationship.

Do you spend 15 hours every week on us alone time?

Have you and your WH learned how to meet all of each other's needs?

Part of recovery is to court each other every day for the rest of your marriage. This does not mean date each other 24/7. But to connect every day.

No connection sex is duty sex. Duty sex is not a lot of fun.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Still So Sad, I can completely relate to some of what you said. A big difference in our stories, is that my WH's A was an EA and "virtually" he slept with at least 50-70 other women (or so they said they were) Ewwww! Anyway, I digress. 

Yes, I can relate to the initial sex after DDay was crazy good! Having it all the time! Crazy, wild, romantic, all kinds of mind blowing sex. Turned out to be hysterical bonding and after a month of that, it waned to approx 3-4x a week. Realistically, we are 2-3 times a week now and for 3 or 4 months, I had an extremely hard time relaxing and enjoying our intimate times. Just last week, we had a talk about it and I came "clean" that I was struggling with our intimacy! Needless to say, he was hurt and disappointed, but ultimately he manned up and said, "Ok, this gives me even more of a reason to try harder." He made me promise to give him full transparency and tell him if I am having any issues.

I suppose after being betrayed, the shock and awe of the whole thing is life altering. I never really had any major self esteem issues prior and NOW...well, it's not good. I question everything on how I look, how I walk, how I talk, what I should wear, not wear...etc...you get the gist! I am not the same person I was before DDay and everyday I struggle to find her again. 

As of late our intimacy is different. I sometimes just feel indifferent to it and I was ALWAYS an HD wife. This is not an easy adjustment for my H as he was always average drive. (not high, not low) I don't initiate like I did, just not "feeling" it. I hope it changes, as I love sex with him. I have such a hard time getting those disgusting and intimate conversations and desires out of my mind. I try...I really do! 

It is such a shame to me, because when trust is compromised the trickle down effects are long lasting and devastating. And, you know what?...For what? That is what really ticks me off. For what? You blew a 20 yr M on what? We had it all...and you tossed us, our vows, our family aside for what? Reconciliation is hard work, I am committed to trying and overcoming. I wish you the same success and hope things turn around. I personally, just want my "Mojo" back!!


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Although sex for me is good, my H who had the affair struggles to experience a full orgasm. This scares me. Am I not good enough, do I not turn him on, is he thinking about this OW? I've tried talking to him about it, but he just says it's his own fault and that he screwed things up. Whatever that means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

still so sad said:


> My questions for the BS's among us are, Do you feel less special than before DDay? Do you ever doubt your WS's sincerity toward wanting sex with you? Do you ever wonder if you are just the shell and that their mind and heart are really somewhere else at the moment?


My wife fell in love with another man, the fact he just used her for fun meant nothing so of course i felt not special... to her. And of course I doubted her sincerity for a long time, that's why I couln't only commit to R after nine months and D -which was early on accepted, arranged and signed- was in my mind even after I actively decided to reconcile. Inches away to pull the trigger for good too many times to count.
I KNOW I'm the only one in my wife's mind and hear. She has been proving me this. It toke me around two years to really believe it fully.
I can't garantee it will be your case, i can only tell what was my experience: whith the patience, unwavering determination and complete remorse from my wife those feelings finnaly passed and we are now fully reconciled I'd say. And very happy I stayed.

Healing thoughts you way.
What are you doing for you?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I loved the Hysterical Bonding while it lasted. :smthumbup:


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I think we are hysterically bonding right now.... I am learning so much from everyone's experiences here... Like Brokenhearted, I used to feel very confident before I learned of my H's EA... I got pregnant just after he says he ended it and that has only added to my image issues. I used to initiate all the time it seemed.... Now I need him to initiate but we struggle with that in these early stages... I would say I am HD (or used to be but...) and he was borderline LD... I was always initiating, then started rejecting him due to my frustration and feelings of him not wanting me enough, tried to start up again and when he rejected me out of spite, I gave up, this was one of the issues that led him to the EA... I do worry that he is doing it out of pity or duty although right now it's pretty incredible.... I need to impress upon him MY need for him to validate his desire for me by taking the initiative sometimes as I have tried to make it very clear that I have always desired him and still do very much.

I think it will take a long time for me to get my "mojo" back.. I think it is really linked to the trust that has been damaged as for me sex is not about the physical act as much as the trust ( I am a survivor of sexual abuse) I need in the other person that I can really surrender myself to them in such an intimate way....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> Although sex for me is good, my H who had the affair struggles to experience a full orgasm. This scares me. Am I not good enough, do I not turn him on, is he thinking about this OW? I've tried talking to him about it, but he just says it's his own fault and that he screwed things up. Whatever that means.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He might need to see a doctor.

Or it might be guilt.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> He might need to see a doctor.
> 
> Or it might be guilt.


Can guilt really have this affect? He does reach climax, but says he feels nothing when he does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I will preface this by saying, on my DDay, I choose a very reckless path of oral steroid overdose after a steroid cycle. Which led to a variety of problems. So my answers may not fit into the norm.
And I divorced.



still so sad said:


> My questions for the BS's among us are, Do you feel less special than before DDay? Do you ever doubt your WS's sincerity toward wanting sex with you? Do you ever wonder if you are just the shell and that their mind and heart are really somewhere else at the moment?


Any less special? I felt like the biggest fool in the world. I felt like I was the pun to a bad joke. 
I doubted her sincerity for anything. I didn't believe she was concerned for my well being because she loved me, but because she didn't want to lose her meal ticket. I didn't believe she loved me and wanted to have sex, I thought she just wanted it so she could try to rug sweep the affair. 

As for the final question, I wondered that several times. 
I didn't have sex with my WS for probably a couple months after DDay. So I didn't care about it. 

But when I did eventually reach out, and the hysterical bonding took hold, it was hell in my mind. I always wondered, what did that worthless POSOM have that I didn't? I was 10x the man the OM was, yet she choose him. I was bigger, stronger, more successful, yet she ended up in his arms. What did he have that I didn't? 
And that question would drive me insane. In the morning would I would wake up, and when I eventually went back to work, and when I went to bed with her, that question stayed in my mind. 
What did that man have that I didn't?

Even now, I wonder why. What did I not have, that he did, that attracted her to the point of having an affair? There must have been something else than what she said.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Juicer said:


> And that question would drive me insane. In the morning would I would wake up, and when I eventually went back to work, and when I went to bed with her, that question stayed in my mind.
> What did that man have that I didn't?
> 
> Even now, I wonder why. What did I not have, that he did, that attracted her to the point of having an affair? There must have been something else than what she said.



Scumminess?


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## munizhcw (Aug 5, 2013)

I felt that somehow I had failed my wife by not being enough of a man for her.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

aug said:


> Scumminess?


You got it. 

White trash all hang out at the same landfill. She did Juicer a favor. He's so out of her league as to be comical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

still so sad said:


> My questions for the BS's among us are, Do you feel less special than before DDay? Do you ever doubt your WS's sincerity toward wanting sex with you? Do you ever wonder if you are just the shell and that their mind and heart are really somewhere else at the moment?


I've said it before... At one point I told her I felt like I just tore a piece off OM's gf. It gave me mind movies, erection issues, and so on. It's far less than today, and after two years of this I'm almost back to normal. But all the pictures, the emails, the mind movies, his "beach boy" pic of him on the beach, her pic of her "girls" (still in the t-shirt thank goodness, not that he hadn't seen it all in person) and all those things just mind-effed me. And sometimes they still do, even in the midst of good sex. I wonder, did she do this for him, that for him, is she thinking of him, how to I measure up, why did she cheat on me if she loves me as much as she says she does, all that crap. 

So yeah.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

still so sad said:


> My questions for the BS's among us are, Do you feel less special than before DDay?


I didn't feel special before DDay. 



still so sad said:


> Do you ever doubt your WS's sincerity toward wanting sex with you?


Every time. 



still so sad said:


> Do you ever wonder if you are just the shell and that their mind and heart are really somewhere else at the moment?


It's probably safe to assume that. If they step out originally because you're just not doing it for them, then there's a high chance they've done it for a long time. After not seeing APs, there's an even higher chance the mind wanders. 

I think your hysterical bonding experience mirrors my own. At first it was a lot, then it was some, then it was little and rarely. 

As the scope of things dawned on a me (a BS) i just do not feel it. I don't feel that burning desire I did. 

I don't feel like she wants me, loves, is interested in me or cares. 

The pain came in waves, but each wave was smaller than the last. It seems like each time it took a little but more affection I had for FWW. It doesn't matter to me anymore what FWW thinks about me. 

The hysterical bonding seemed to stop when the erratic emotion did. Those first few months were brutal. But as the feelings weaken (both anger and love) so did the hysterical bonding. It seems to be fed by the high emotion of the time. 

There is a chance there for a WS to mitigate that damage. But they've got to get it in gear. Each week and month that passed I less entertained any kind of thought of staying with FWW. I have thought only that I should leave for many weeks now.

To WSs I'd say to act fast and work hard.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

We had the hysterical bonding. Now at two years out from first Dday I can say sex is totally screwed up and ruined for me. It's very sad. I will never think of it the same way again, and like others have said my mojo is just gone.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm curious, how long does this hysterical bonding typically last? Are my fun filled days coming to an end?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My sex life stinks. My wife is trying but I can't have sex without thinking about the things she did and never have sex without thinking about the XOM. And then with my wife's health things are not like they were but they all changed in early 2010.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> My sex life stinks. My wife is trying but I can't have sex without thinking about the things she did and never have sex without thinking about the XOM. And then with my wife's health things are not like they were but they all changed in early 2010.


Given the circumstances how are you dealing with it? Is your wife concerned you will leave or step out on her?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Given the circumstances how are you dealing with it? Is your wife concerned you will leave or step out on her?


I do believe my wife is somewhat worried that I will leave her. I have tempered my comments, but I did say over a week ago that I really don't like coming home anymore and she got upset. She said that she looks forward to me coming home and that is the bright spot of her day. She seems very sincere in her statements. I promised to come home earlier then I have and I am doing that.

I don't feel the spark anymore. There is life in the M but it is not the same. I don't get excited about coming home. I go through the motions but there is no excitment there. My wife use to be the sunset and sunrise of my life, not any more.

I have stated that I would like her to do some things in the bedroom but as of yet she has not. It is not kinky or out of the ordinary but it would add some things.

I have complained about our sex life for a while. It changed in 2010 and that is when she started having A's and in 2010 it was a very sexual EA. I have mentined this to her since that time and she has yet to change. 

It is not that she is not having sex it is not like it was.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I do believe my wife is somewhat worried that I will leave her. * I have tempered my comments, but I did say over a week ago that I really don't like coming home anymore and she got upset. * She said that she looks forward to me coming home and that is the bright spot of her day. She seems very sincere in her statements. I promised to come home earlier then I have and I am doing that.
> 
> *I don't feel the spark anymore.* There is life in the M but it is not the same. I don't get excited about coming home. I go through the motions but there is no excitment there. My wife use to be the sunset and sunrise of my life, not any more.
> 
> ...


Have you considered a trial separation? It sounds like you need some _me_ time...if you don't mind me asking -if she is not willing to change why do you stay?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Have you considered a trial separation? It sounds like you need some _me_ time...if you don't mind me asking -if she is not willing to change why do you stay?


I have to agree with my wife when I get in these moods that away time is not the best. I tend to just sulk. At first I headed for a bar and drank and that did not help, so I stopped doing that. 

I will have a talk tonight about the sex. She at least does listen now.

It is not that it is bad, but it did change in 2010 and has not been the same since. It is hard to explain and perhaps if I had more time I will explain it.

Just that this thread hit a nerve, not hard but a little.

i really don't want to separate, as I don't think it will help our situation.

I know what she wants and I know what I would like and those two things are not that far apart. I just need to talk to her about it again. 

Her sickness is not helping right now so my expectations are dimmed by her illness and until we figure out her illness I will have to put things on hold.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I have to agree with my wife when I get in these moods that away time is not the best. I tend to just sulk. At first I headed for a bar and drank and that did not help, so I stopped doing that.
> 
> I will have a talk tonight about the sex. She at least does listen now.
> 
> ...


I meant a trial separation so you could date other women to see if they can give you what you want. I commend you for tryng to reconcile with and take care of a sick WS.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> Although sex for me is good, my H who had the affair struggles to experience a full orgasm. This scares me. Am I not good enough, do I not turn him on, is he thinking about this OW? I've tried talking to him about it, but he just says it's his own fault and that he screwed things up. Whatever that means.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


guilt
depression


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

It makes me feel settled for, it makes me feel like he isn't there mentally, it makes me feel awful. He says he loves me. I still don't feel that. The only thing that keeps me from feeling like the ***** she was is the marriage license. I do it so that he won't do it with someone else. I'd be ok with never doing it again. 

He says it proves his love for me. I think "then what did it prove to her?" 2 1/2 years and this is as good as it gets. Yay!


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I'm curious, how long does this hysterical bonding typically last? Are my fun filled days coming to an end?


Mine lasted 4 months. It ended because I was being used and trickle truthed. 

It dropped off a cliff after that and has continued to decline. 

At this point we had sex more often pre DDay #1.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

A mess. Dead. Never instigated before and does not now. HBonding was a few days only. Less special? You bet! She is a f**king liar - all talk and no action. Who knows where the f**k her mind and heart are! No idea.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Wow! Do you think the sex reflects your emotions? I mean if you truly reconciled, and were sincerely happy with your SO do you think the sex would be better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good. 
Hell I'm way better then all those other phuck sticks Mrs. the guy-screwed around with so I keep doing my thing...after all she made the choice...me or them ( she choose me) so I figure way change in the bedroom.

Mrs. the-guys deal was more about attention...as far as the "good stuff", I was better then most.

Granted there were one or two but at the end of the day I was in the top three.

As far as my own deal ...well I'm wired different then most and I'll be damned if some strange is going to get the better of me ...or my wife.

Call it compition, ego, or just having the right "fit"...it just seems to work for us.

I think at the end of the day me and Mrs.the-guy have sexual needs that need to be met and if we don;t meet each others needs then its done. After all sex is the glue that keeps it together.

Those OM's don't have sh1t on the guy!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Juicer said:


> I will preface this by saying, on my DDay, I choose a very reckless path of oral steroid overdose after a steroid cycle. Which led to a variety of problems. So my answers may not fit into the norm.
> And I divorced.
> 
> 
> ...


Juicer please keep in mind that NO ONE will ever be THE perfect spouse in the mind of a spouse who seeks validation from others. Our ex's are broken women that you nor I, will be able to fix and it isn't really our job to do so. So let us "stay classy" (Ron Burgundy LOL!) and bow out gracefully. Theirs is their disgrace, not ours my friend.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your story but you're far from alone.


still so sad said:


> My questions for the BS's among us are, Do you feel less special than before DDay? Do you ever doubt your WS's sincerity toward wanting sex with you? Do you ever wonder if you are just the shell and that their mind and heart are really somewhere else at the moment?


I've felt more loved and appreciated since the reconciliation, and she's been humbled and gained some self-awareness. I'm still so disgusted at the cost. I want to keep the positive changes we've made in our relationship and pitch the betrayal.

I did question her sincerity at first, but I do not question that she wants me now. At first during the reconciliation, I couldn't stand to touch her, then I couldn't stop touching her, and now it's back to square one. Sex used to be so simple, but following the affair, and after what I'm guessing was the hysterical bonding period (resulting in pregnancy), it has become a lot more complicated. A number of thoughts may flash through my mind before/during/after sex, and I can't always control them. I was soldiering through all that until she said something emasculating while she was hormonal - I guess that straw broke the camel's back, because I haven't been able to get it out of my head.

I don't feel like I'm a shell or she's somewhere else, but I wish she was more connected to where I am mentally since I've tried telling her repeatedly. Her attempts at sex are genuine but often timed horribly (e.g. I'm angry about something, she unzips my pants) and feeble in execution (she accidentally hits me in both of my nuts while unzipping my pants) -- I love her, but it shows that she rarely initiated anything in the past.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I told my husband he should change his cheating ways for his safety and the safety of his children (he was having multiple affairs with *****s and married women). But he better find someone because he would never touch me again and he hasn't. 

The whole thing just grosses me out too bad. My body is a temple and not someone else's garbage dump.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> Can guilt really have this affect? He does reach climax, but says he feels nothing when he does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes guilt can definitely affect your spouses libido. My partners ONS last year has wrecked our sex life. I took him back after 
fivemonths and he couldn't get an erection for another five months after that. It is only recently that we are slowing getting back on track sexually... After him seeing a sex therapist, taking Viagra etc


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

This whole thread was distressing to read... ((Sigh))

~sammy


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