# Emotional temperature/thermostat



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

This list of "internal emotional thermostat settings" was posted in a thread in "Men's," and it was like a light bulb went off for me when I read it, because it is exactly what I'm trying to figure out in terms of changing the dynamic between me and my H. 

Although you're the same upbeat, happy person regardless of your "temperature," the difference is in how much loving energy you radiate outward to someone else.

Here's the list:
1. absolute zero: total and complete indifference to your partner. do not show any love/warmth/attention to them other than for logistics. When they say ILY - you ignore them. don't initiate any conversation that is not logistics/schedule related. Your response when they initiate conversation about anything else is aimed at "ending" the conversation if that makes sense.
2. very cold: you give minimal response when they show you love. not zero - but minimal. You give very brief responses to their attempts to talk to you.
3. cold: you respond to "their" loving overtures, but with a little less enthusiasm than they are showing you. you don't initiate any loving gestures.
4. cool: you mirror their emotional affect. when they are warm and loving you give it back. When they are reserved/not initiating loving gestures, you don't do any proactively.
5. room temperature: you initiate some loving stuff but let them do the lions share
6. warm: ...
7. hot: This is where you are initiating most loving gestures/kind acts. This is "chasing" someone. Might work at the start - but not in most marriages over time.

I have come to realize that I've been more emotionally invested than my H throughout our entire relationship, and reading through those thermostat settings confirmed that for me. 

According to the list, I've *always* been somewhere between "warm" and "hot" with him. I even chased HIM when we first started dating. Blatantly and confidently.
He loves it; when things are good with us, I love it too.
I guess "warm" is "mutual."

My H, on the other hand, has run the gamout, and I don't know if he's ever hit "hot" according to the scale--because I've NEVER backed off in MY temperature enough for HIM to do "the lion's share" of emotional output!

I realize I'm gradually adjusting and right now, after last week's conflicts, am at "cool," bordering on "room temperature."

My H is not someone who senses my distance and responds by chasing or clinging; at least not at first.
On the contrary, he totally picks up on and reciprocates the energy and signals I put out--if we're in a neutral/stable place (i.e. no conflict.)
....like what Blanca said to me the other day.

I'm really trying to figure this out because I feel like there are two ways I could go:
1. Adjust my internal thermostat, because it HAS been imbalanced for two years...be patient, the dance may shift over time.
2. Keep giving that loving "warm" or "hot" energy, because he does reciprocate when I do.
---->But what I realize is that RECIPROCATING, just "mirroring my emotional affect...warm and loving, so he gives it back," just means he is at "COOL." Wow.

Sure, option #2 "works," but it keeps him at "COOL," and it's just more of the same.
(If you've seen any of my posts, "more of the same" ain't working.)
I really feel like all the emotional energy that's driven us forward has been fueled, or at least initially fueled, by ME.
If we were a car, and I eased up on what I was putting in, we would've just fizzled out and STOPPED.
Or at least stalled.
And my gut tells me that an imbalanced or singular fuel source isn't sustainable.

I guess the key is that even in the "cool" or "cold," I'm not radiating resentment.

NOW here's what I'm noticing in the past 4 days:

I'm set at "cool," some "room temp" here and there.
I'm crazy stressed trying to finish a 70-page first draft of my thesis by Friday, so I *genuinely* have plenty on my mind.
My H has been the one home before me...he's been the one texting me to ask what time I'll be home, he's cooked dinner for me every night for the past 3 nights, brought home movies for us to watch, initiates conversation, is being affectionate (though not overwhelmingly)...basically he's initiating connection with me, and for once, I'M not hanging all over him to make it happen!!! :lol:

I think I could get used to this.
I have got to "cool off" and lighten up. I think BOTH of us appreciate it...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I just wanted to let you know that I've been following your posts...and I LOVE this one! Two thumbs up!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I just wanted to let you know that I've been following your posts...and I LOVE this one! Two thumbs up!


Thank you, mm! That means a lot to me. 
I'll probably keep posting and updating how this "temperature adjustment" is going...
Exhibit A: he cuddled up and held me in bed as he fell asleep last night, and cuddled up to me when he woke up.
----that may not sound like a big deal, but it is to me.
I know it sounds like mind games...but it really feels like what we need right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband's temperature runs between absolute zero to very cold and mine runs warm to hot.

But, he has had a brain injury which has affected his emotional state and affect so I wouldn't say it was all deliberate on his part.

My personality runs warm to hot with just about everyone so it's not much different than how my temperature is with my husband. But...he is the only one whose bones I want to jump!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I think my SO and I go back and forth between warm and hot. One day he's the warm one, the next day it's me. As long as we don't get cold, we're good. Admittedly he's the more "touchy-feely" type than I am. I have to really make a conscious effort. I have to remind myself that those loving gestures are his love language. 

This morning he scraped the ice off the window of my car before he went to work (all I do is take my son to school). My heart did flip-flops! (my love language is acts of service) So I'm hollering out the door my thank-yous, my I love yous, and blowing kisses at him. Such cheeeeeezzzzzze!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My husband's temperature runs between absolute zero to very cold and mine runs warm to hot.
> 
> But, he has had a brain injury which has affected his emotional state and affect so I wouldn't say it was all deliberate on his part.
> 
> My personality runs warm to hot with just about everyone so it's not much different than how my temperature is with my husband. But...he is the only one whose bones I want to jump!


MWIL, I'm a warm person with most people too, if I feel comfortable with them.

I know that the warmth of my personality is something that attracted my H to me in the first place, and what he likes about me still.
But when it gets out of balance, "warm" turns to "needy."
and when we're in conflict, or just in the wake of conflict, it is the LEAST attractive thing to him.

It's really subtle little changes too:
2 months ago, I'd ask him what time he'd be home every day so I could have dinner ready as he walked in the door.
I would throw myself into it as one thing I could do to please him, take care of him, be a good doting wife.
I'd hang on his reaction to my dinner: "like it? Do you? Good, huh? I made it myself!"
I was like a puppy wagging its tail.
It was kind of nice having HIM do that for me last night, for a change---and he did a nice job, it was sweet.
Yes, I do want to be a good wife who wants to please her husband...it's just time to ease up a bit for a little while, to rebalance the investment.
I've been too "out there," like revolving my every move around him, for awhile.

I'm just sensing that the more I cool off and step back, the more respect I'm getting from him.
It's like I'm growing up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I think my SO and I go back and forth between warm and hot. One day he's the warm one, the next day it's me. As long as we don't get cold, we're good. Admittedly he's the more "touchy-feely" type than I am. I have to really make a conscious effort. I have to remind myself that those loving gestures are his love language.
> 
> This morning he scraped the ice off the window of my car before he went to work (all I do is take my son to school). My heart did flip-flops! (my love language is acts of service) So I'm hollering out the door my thank-yous, my I love yous, and blowing kisses at him. Such cheeeeeezzzzzze!


I think acts of service is my H's LL, and gifts.
Mine are touch and words (as in communication, not platitudes)
I think both of us share the quality time LL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

We're snowed in.
And now I'm sitting here at home working on my thesis ---earphones in, "dont bug me" in my body language---while he wears an apron, bakes a cake, washes dishes and makes me tea.
I may just fall in love with him all over again...carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I have come to realize that I've been more emotionally invested than my H throughout our entire relationship, and reading through those thermostat settings confirmed that for me.
> 
> My H, on the other hand, has run the gamout, and I don't know if he's ever hit "hot" according to the scale--because I've NEVER backed off in MY temperature enough for HIM to do "the lion's share" of emotional output!
> 
> I realize I'm gradually adjusting and right now, after last week's conflicts, am at "cool," bordering on "room temperature."


:smthumbup:

I think you're seeing things much more clearly now.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you, Blanca! 
Your replies always help me put things in perspective.

I can feel myself "warming up" to him, but at the same time feeling good about myself and strong. 

And it's partly because he has been good to me in the past couple days...
Made me tea and lunch, left me alone all day to do work, cleaned up the kitchen...

I responded with a smile, a "thank you," and a hug, let him know I appreciated it...but the old me would've responded to a bit of "warmth" by turning up my "heat," probably smothering him with hugs, kisses, and sex (which I'm sure he would not mind  

I'd rather keep my temperature at a healthy middle for the time being...it feels good.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Well, based on my last post, temperature readings are haywire.

But I shall readjust...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Well, here we are, just got done with counseling...
It was moderately productive. We talked about some tough stuff... but we still have a ways to go.
H wanted to talk more about our session on the way home, which was good at first, until he didn't like what I said.
Well---too bad, sorry.
Good thing is I didn't let it affect MY mood and affect. I stayed relaxed.
Maintaining a temp of "cool to room temp" has worked the past few days...I need to maintain that..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ok, I slipped back into the needy "hot zone."
My H got into one of his judgmental moods after counseling tonight, and that's how I respond to it.
I know this may seem totally nuts, but seriously, writing about it here helps me keep track of myself.
This is kinda what I need to do right now...even if I'm the only one reading it!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Ok, I slipped back into the needy "hot zone."
> My H got into one of his judgmental moods after counseling tonight, and that's how I respond to it.
> I know this may seem totally nuts, but seriously, writing about it here helps me keep track of myself.
> This is kinda what I need to do right now...even if I'm the only one reading it!


Never fear, you're not! (not that I'm much help, but I'm listening


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Madimoff, it does help!

In a weird way, adjusting my temperature IS a way of meeting both my needs AND his needs.

I don't think either of us NEEDS me to do all the chasing and initiating.
And as for his needs, I think he NEEDS me to back off a little in order for him to see these things more clearly.
Case in point: Yesterday in counseling, he said that he wished he'd been more "available to my needs" all week---specifically, to talk about my thesis and how my progress was going. 
Guess what: I did not ask him ONCE to fulfill this "need." 
Didn't broach the topic. Focused on myself and what I had to do.
But somehow it occurred to *him.*


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Great post. I need to cool off, I believe.


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