# Separated, pregnant, STBX has girlfriend but showed up at my door last night. HELP?!



## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

I dont know what to do, think, or feel, and my head is spinning. I have posted couple times on this site about my ordeal. Originally separated by my initiation in January, tried working on things. He tried more in the beginning and I tried more last month or two. He had already basically started detaching, put himself on dating sites, etc.... met a girl on facebook and is now dating her, a stripper BTW. I've had tons of hurt, bitterness, anger, resentment, etc.... I am 31 weeks pregnant now and he has wanted to be involved with pregnancy as much as possible but at some points I have shut him out cause I'm just so hurt from the outcome and I'm left alone being pregnant while he dates this new woman as you can imagine. I've thought he's a narcissist also and very selfish, wants baby named after him etc... Anyways he showed up at my door saying he wanted to see how big I had gotten and feel baby move. I hadnt seen his face in 6 or 7 weeks which was time he met and developed relationship with new girl. Feelings came back, we talked, one thing led to another and he kissed me, we slept together and he stayed the night. On one hand I feel very stupid that I allowed it and allowed my emotions take over instead of telling him to get the hell out but I went with what I was feeling at the moment. He is now saying he's questioning his relationship with this new woman because if he had deep feelings or love for her he knows he would not be able to come back and sleep with me.....I was trying to move forward and trying to avoid him when now i feel ive taken giant step backward. What to think, what to do, idk....I need advice and opinions please. Anyone had a similar situation?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

nursemama said:


> I dont know what to do, think, or feel, and my head is spinning. I have posted couple times on this site about my ordeal. Originally separated by my initiation in January, tried working on things. He tried more in the beginning and I tried more last month or two. He had already basically started detaching, put himself on dating sites, etc.... met a girl on facebook and is now dating her, a stripper BTW. I've had tons of hurt, bitterness, anger, resentment, etc.... I am 31 weeks pregnant now and he has wanted to be involved with pregnancy as much as possible but at some points I have shut him out cause I'm just so hurt from the outcome and I'm left alone being pregnant while he dates this new woman as you can imagine. I've thought he's a narcissist also and very selfish, wants baby named after him etc... Anyways he showed up at my door saying he wanted to see how big I had gotten and feel baby move. I hadnt seen his face in 6 or 7 weeks which was time he met and developed relationship with new girl. Feelings came back, we talked, one thing led to another and he kissed me, we slept together and he stayed the night. On one hand I feel very stupid that I allowed it and allowed my emotions take over instead of telling him to get the hell out but I went with what I was feeling at the moment. He is now saying he's questioning his relationship with this new woman because if he had deep feelings or love for her he knows he would not be able to come back and sleep with me.....I was trying to move forward and trying to avoid him when now i feel ive taken giant step backward. What to think, what to do, idk....I need advice and opinions please. Anyone had a similar situation?


Please tell me you didn't put you and your unborn baby at risk and not use protection!
He wants you because he can't have you. 
Has he changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

I know I know! I'm so dumb and it was all in the moment and shouldn't have happened and will never be able to live with myself if I did contract something that could effect baby. My emotions got away with me and I know it's no excuse. I was starting to do a lot better with him outta sight, outta mind and now this. I take full responsibility for my actions but am wondering now where to go from here. He's telling me he still loves me etc....baby on the way. Geez! What a mess. I don't want to set myself up for failure again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to figure out what qualities you love about yourself and what you don't. Fix the ones you don't love and embrace the ones you do.

Seriously, he doesn't respect you or your child, but you also don't demand that he does. You seem confused on how you feel about everything. I think you need to figure out what you want and set up clear boundaries. ie if you don't want him in your life, don't let him in your house. 

As of right now, I would suggest keeping your distance, don't let him in your house esp late at night, and really figure out what is important in a relationship for you.


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## Twins (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't know. Maybe he wants you back for real. I would tread lightly but he has a good point. She's a stripper..Come on. He's not gonna build a life with her. You bring much more to the table. He needs to figure it out. You need to be strong. Just don't let him string you along and be used. Cake and eat it thing. Can't sleep with him again until he gets it together IF THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. More time apart until you figure things out.


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## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

Thanks! I'm doing soul searching as we speak. This is so hard but I know I need to figure it out and do whats right for me and my children. He told me he would have no problem ending things with her if he knew I wanted our marriage and was genuine and could trust him eventually to be with me and only me, in a committed marriage. If only I had a crystal ball, lol!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

nursemama said:


> Thanks! I'm doing soul searching as we speak. This is so hard but I know I need to figure it out and do whats right for me and my children. He told me he would have no problem ending things with her if he knew I wanted our marriage and was genuine and could trust him eventually to be with me and only me, in a committed marriage. If only I had a crystal ball, lol!


In your earlier post, you called him a "narcissist". You are correct. It's all about him, not you. Here you mention that he would end things with HER *IF* you would take him back. That translates into this: If you don't take him back, he will stay with HER because HE can't or won't be alone. There you go. Therein lies your answer. It's not about you. It's about HIM not being alone. And he will only "commit" if you continue to jump through HIS hoops to make HIM feel better. Sadly, this is not about you.

Should HE not be the person doing the "soul searching" here?


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## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

Wow! That really touched home and made me think. If he truly wanted me back would he not say I'm leaving this woman ASAP and want my marriage and made a mistake?! Can a selfish person or narcissist ever change and be sincere and genuine? I want my marriage and especially my husband with fact that I loved him, married him, and pregnant with his child. However it's hardest thing to deal with is not knowing what to do and it's such a gamble with everything that's happened. He told me he knows what his heart says and needs to think thru and make sure he can leave new woman behind 100% and have no regrets. I def don't want to be or feel like second choice or get back together only to have him decide he wants to leave. I'm torn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

nursemama said:


> Wow! That really touched home and made me think. If he truly wanted me back would he not say I'm leaving this woman ASAP and want my marriage and made a mistake?! Can a selfish person or narcissist ever change and be sincere and genuine? I want my marriage and especially my husband with fact that I loved him, married him, and pregnant with his child. However it's hardest thing to deal with is not knowing what to do and it's such a gamble with everything that's happened. *He told me he knows what his heart says and needs to think thru and make sure he can leave new woman behind 100% and have no regrets.* I def don't want to be or feel like second choice or get back together only to have him decide he wants to leave. I'm torn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just from that statement, it appears that, sadly, you are the second choice as his feeling about HER seem to come first. But, again, it's about HIS feelings. Not hers. Not yours. His.

Until he is willing to acknowledge that he is a narcissist and get counseling in order to feel empathy for others, especially you, then unfortunately your needs will never supersede his.

I feel for your dilemma. I truly do. I was married to a narcissist, and nothing changed. Even when he was nice to me, it was all about him and his "reward". When I failed to grovel at his feet, he went elsewhere. Good riddance.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, stop beating yourself up for sleeping with him. It happens a lot. It happens to many of us during a divorce or split. It just means that you are human.

Alas, it doesn't change anything -- especially not about him. I agree with the posters above -- he sure isn't acting like he is trying to win you back. I think you deserve better. Don't you?


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## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

I feel like just crying about all this. Pregnancy hormones don't help with emotions I am feeling. I told him if he can't let go of an OW then be real with me and let me go and move on. I deserve happiness and love from one loyal man just like he says he wants from someone. All I know to do at this very moment is to not call or text him and see what he does, what he decides to say or do. I've looked into narcissism a lot and idk that I could even get him to see he has this or has a problem at all. I'd love to believe he truly loved me and wanted me, and was sorry for his part. Does everything just seem superficial and shallow to people like this? Like they are incapable of truly deep emotions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

When you say narcissism, do you mean narcissistic personality disorder?

Assuming you mean NPD, unless you can actually get him to admit he has a problem then you will never feel the love you deserve. Even if he admits he has a problem, he must make the steps to improve himself. It is not an easy task at hand if he has NPD. It is a lot of psychotherapy and depending on his initial condition it could take years before really breaking through.

Someone with NPD, with much work, is capable of deep feelings and emotions, but it is going to be a long battle. At this point, you are in for much heartache, confusion, and loneliness if he truly has NPD.

Of course you deserve happiness! If you want love from one loyal man, then you deserve that too! If he is unwilling, or can't give you what you want, then he doesn't deserve you. You are worth much more than that.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Okay, stop beating yourself up for sleeping with him. It happens a lot. It happens to many of us during a divorce or split. It just means that you are human.
> 
> Alas, it doesn't change anything -- especially not about him. I agree with the posters above -- he sure isn't acting like he is trying to win you back. I think you deserve better. Don't you?


tell him if he does truely love you AND his child, he will leave the stripper and start marriage counseling. after he does that, tell him to call you.


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## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

Well he and I have spent quite a bit of time together and talking over last couple days. The gf is in mexico on vacation. She knows nothing of this BTW. He said he wants me and marriage to work but has to be secure in knowing I wont "kick" him out again and do everything to work any issues out before we go the separation/divorce route. He says he's concerned with having stability for his two children and we were only married 6 months when I asked him for separation which he's bitter about it affecting kids lives. I see his point there . Things could have been done differently. He was abusing pain pills at time and arguing became bad because of it and that's reason I asked for time apart. It snowballed with other things and hence we are still separated. Now he is saying he's really thinking hard about best thing to do and if things dont work with us he will stay with the gf and he said he needs positive actions from me showing him I am serious and not just a phase and leave him again later. He's questioned what males I've had contact with during separation and gets mad if I forgot and left anyone out, even just a friend. Says I have to be honest and not hide anything. I see some of his points but some of it makes me wonder why does it seem he wants me to jump thru hoops almost to make it work. He keeps saying i devastated him when he tried so hard during first few months of separation and I didnt put as much effort. I need to know he is sincere and he says he will not tell the gf anything til she gets back from vacation and is still talking/texting her like nothings changed. ?????


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

nursemama said:


> he says he will not tell the gf anything til she gets back from vacation and is still talking/texting her like nothings changed. ?????


Well, no. That is not acceptable.

In fact, I think you should practice saying that phrase over and over again because you are going to need it a lot.

WTH? Your marriage is on the line and he doesn't want to ruin her vacation in Cabo?

No. Just no.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

nursemama said:


> Well he and I have spent quite a bit of time together and talking over last couple days. The gf is in mexico on vacation. She knows nothing of this BTW. He said he wants me and marriage to work but has to be secure in knowing I wont "kick" him out again and do everything to work any issues out before we go the separation/divorce route. He says he's concerned with having stability for his two children and we were only married 6 months when I asked him for separation which he's bitter about it affecting kids lives. I see his point there . Things could have been done differently. He was abusing pain pills at time and arguing became bad because of it and that's reason I asked for time apart. It snowballed with other things and hence we are still separated. Now he is saying he's really thinking hard about best thing to do and if things dont work with us he will stay with the gf and he said he needs positive actions from me showing him I am serious and not just a phase and leave him again later. He's questioned what males I've had contact with during separation and gets mad if I forgot and left anyone out, even just a friend. Says I have to be honest and not hide anything. I see some of his points but some of it makes me wonder why does it seem he wants me to jump thru hoops almost to make it work. He keeps saying i devastated him when he tried so hard during first few months of separation and I didnt put as much effort. I need to know he is sincere and he says he will not tell the gf anything til she gets back from vacation and is still talking/texting her like nothings changed. ?????


This is a really bad sign.


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## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

Update - He dumped the stripper gf. We spent more time together and talked about moving back in, and I really wanted things to work. My teenage daughter was less than thrilled as she has seen how I have been hurt the past few months. My ex husband (father of 3 children) caught wind of it and was not happy as he thinks my husband is not a good man for many reasons. I wanted to stand up and support husband and repair my marriage and felt this was my last chance. Well, long story short, there will be no repaired marriage. I had an urge to peek at his cell phone the other morning while he was sleeping (bad idea I know) and found texts relating to drug use and selling drugs. When I confronted him about these things he said he had sold some for extra income and swore he would stop but denied doing any drugs. Well I suspect now he might be using more than just his prescribed pain pills and asked him to take a drug test. He said I already told him prior that I trusted him and I should take his word for it. He kept saying he would take a test and prove me wrong. Well he never did, of course and this was over course of 48 hours. I told him I needed proof and if he had nothing to hide it'd be easy. He blew up and said I'll do the damn thing and then I'm leaving because you contradict yourself when you say you trust me then ask for a drug test. He said he cant live like that. Well I think I got my answer about using and fact that he has sold some drugs is too much of a risk for me and my children. Absolutely crazy! He told me I lost my chance and without trust you have nothing. Well I tried and wanted it to work, but not at that expense! What a disaster!


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

nursemama said:


> Update - He dumped the stripper gf. We spent more time together and talked about moving back in, and I really wanted things to work. My teenage daughter was less than thrilled as she has seen how I have been hurt the past few months. My ex husband (father of 3 children) caught wind of it and was not happy as he thinks my husband is not a good man for many reasons. I wanted to stand up and support husband and repair my marriage and felt this was my last chance. Well, long story short, there will be no repaired marriage. I had an urge to peek at his cell phone the other morning while he was sleeping (bad idea I know) and found texts relating to drug use and selling drugs. When I confronted him about these things he said he had sold some for extra income and swore he would stop but denied doing any drugs. Well I suspect now he might be using more than just his prescribed pain pills and asked him to take a drug test. He said I already told him prior that I trusted him and I should take his word for it. He kept saying he would take a test and prove me wrong. Well he never did, of course and this was over course of 48 hours. I told him I needed proof and if he had nothing to hide it'd be easy. He blew up and said I'll do the damn thing and then I'm leaving because you contradict yourself when you say you trust me then ask for a drug test. He said he cant live like that. Well I think I got my answer about using and fact that he has sold some drugs is too much of a risk for me and my children. Absolutely crazy! He told me I lost my chance and without trust you have nothing. Well I tried and wanted it to work, but not at that expense! What a disaster!


At least now you know.

You have our sympathy. Really hard stuff.


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