# Feelings for someone else, what to do?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Gonna put this out there so here goes...

I have developed "feelings" for another person. Not sure what to call it, the word I think is "crush" but not sure.

It has kinda knocked me sideways. My H had an inappropriate relationship (started an EA) a few months ago and whilst we are still together and working through it, obviously it hurt me and my esteem. I have never really been one to look at other people or take much notice since my H has allways been the one for me, no one else has really registered that much.

I see this person regularly and I spend a lot of time being quite closed off as I am worried they'll pick up on it.

It is blatantly obvious that I am getting needs met which my H hasn't. All of a sudden I have been hearing how much I am missed, how great I am, how great it is to see me, etc. And this is from someone who is a friend, I don't even know if they are saying it because they feel the same way.

How do I handle this, mainly do I tell my H?

ETA: I do not know if it makes any difference but this other person is female. Which has confused me even more.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Anyone...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm taken aback by how you sort of blame your husband here - that he isn't meeting your needs.

If you've got a need that you haven't communicated or haven't worked on meeting with your husband - then YOU should be taking charge with your husband to fix this.

As for the other person, like anyone you start to cross boundaries with the choice is yours: You can pull away from them and stay true to your marriage and make your marriage better - or - you can choose to go down the path of adding a third person to your marriage relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - the friends actions sound clingy


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> As for the other person, like anyone you start to cross boundaries with the choice is yours: You can pull away from them and stay true to your marriage and make your marriage better - or - you can choose to go down the path of adding a third person to your marriage relationship.


:iagree:

The best advice you will get I think.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Take a look at the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, a link to google books excerpts is in my signature. Then sit down with your husband and read it together. The book was written by a leading researcher in infidelity. She summarized the best studies and knowledge about emotional affairs and infidelity in the book. The book is extremely thorough.

Then I'd find a marriage counselor who is equipped to handle infidelity. Most aren't. A good way to vet such a counselor is to ask if they're familiar with Shirley Glass and her work.

I assume you see this person on the job. You are becoming infatuated with them. The #1 thing I would say to you is, if you are looking to restore your marrage, stop all intimate conversation with this person. Do NOT discuss your marriage or personal problems. It isn't the professional thing to do anyhow if they are a co-worker or your boss. 

Infatuation, the sensation you are starting to feel, is a biological trick that lures your brain into thinking that you ought to partner with this person. The problem is, it's not the same thing as love, the deeper feeling that leads one person to marry another and to remain true to them as a life partner. Once you become infatuated, interacting with this person is like a drug for you. You crave it and miss it when you don't have it, so you are drawn like a magnet back for more. This reinforces the addictive quality of the infatuation. Unfortunately, not unlike drugs, the only known cure is separation. If you see them at work, that likely means quitting your job.

You are asking whether or not to tell your husband. I would--but perhaps do it in the safety of a marriage counselor's office so you are able to demonstrate you truly want to stay married to him. But I would also PM Maricha75 who had a similar circumstance to yours to get advice on how she handled it.

Also, get a copy of His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley, and a copy of Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend, and work on them together with your husband. But these books are for people who have QUIT their emotional affairs. You have not, and it's not clear to me how certain you are that your husband has as well.

How do you know your husband's emotional affair is over?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am not blaming my H per se. The thing is since I met and then married him, I have been kinda besotted with him. Like, it has been rarely that anyone else has registered on my radar because for me it was all about him.

My posts over the last few months have been around trying to work through the difficulties in our M, a lot of which have been centered around his EA and the consequent effect on my esteem. Allthough he has done some work, and we did MC, there have been significant areas where he has repeatedly committed to actions and behaviors that he has not followed through on. We have been over and over things so many times, he insists he loves me and cares for me yet even the simplest of gestures are beyond him, stuff that would help me trust and believe in his feelings. I have worked on myself a lot but there is only so much I can do for the good of our marriage if he chooses not to join me.

My thoughts have been a lot with this other person. They are not clingy, rather quite openly affectionate in a friendly way. I do not intend to pursue this, however it does not stop me thinking about them or caring about them. I guess I just was not sure whether to tell H about it, if I'm being honest in the hope that it might jolt him in to realizing how bad things have got.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> My thoughts have been a lot with this other person. They are not clingy, rather quite openly affectionate in a friendly way. I do not intend to pursue this, however it does not stop me thinking about them or caring about them. I guess I just was not sure whether to tell H about it, if I'm being honest in the hope that it might jolt him in to realizing how bad things have got.


If the two of you learned anything from his EA it should be that the path to it is lined with a bunch of small steps, each of which seem innocent.

Your husband should tell you to distance yourself from the other person - that's the right response anytime you find yourself developing those kind of feelings for someone who isn't your spouse.

Don't use this however as a threat to get him motivated to work harder. That will backfire.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

As someone who knows the damage a third party can cause to a marriage, YES, you should tell your husband.

That being said, we are human beings. We do get attracted to other people. You know when you meet someone and they're really funny, you get along super-well, and you know you'd end up being attracted? I avoid these guys like the plague, I'm married now and I won't take any chances on mutual attraction developing.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> My thoughts have been a lot with this other person. They are not clingy, rather quite openly affectionate in a friendly way. *I do not intend to pursue this,*





> *however it does not stop me thinking about them or caring about them.*


What do YOU think the majority of people entering emotional affairs say to themselves--anyhow?

Do you honestly think they wake up in the morning and say: 

"today I will start an emotional affair"

"I miss those butterfly feelings of being in love, maybe I can figure out how to get some of that with someone else"

or how about

"I fully intend to pursue these feelings because they are just too wonderful to give up"

No. Emotional affairs are insidious. They are trojan horses. They ride in on wave after wave of denial. Everyone, everyone thinks they're different and special and stronger than biological, hormonal urges. Everyone. And the more you believe that you're impervious, special, and stronger than those feelings, the harder you're going to fall. Or have already fallen.

Perhaps this person is showing you what you're missing in your own marriage. Perhaps you are realizing your husband is never going to follow through with the things you've discussed. If that's the case, do him the favor of separating from him before you have the gall to do what he did and fall in love with someone else. Have the courage to show him how he should have honored his vows and divorce before engaging in inappropriate conversations with someone outside of marriage. As you've already clearly done. No one falls in love over "hand me that file folder." No one.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

iheartlife

Thanks.

I actually see this person at sports practice. We train together. It is like someone has taken all the stuff I have asked my H for, bundled it up and given it to this person to say and do with me.

My H's EA ended before I found out about it. I saw a number of text messages and emails that indicated things had finished, and that she was fishing to try and get contact reestablished. I have access to his fb, email etc and there is no indication of anything going on now at all.

I *want* to tell him... However I am concerned of one of two things happening. First is that he will try and justify what he did and say stuff like how easy it is and try and make it more "OK." Or second that he will not take it seriously because it is a woman (he has said before that it doesn't really count/matter as much to a guy because he wouldn't feel as threatened.)


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If the two of you learned anything from his EA it should be that the path to it is lined with a bunch of small steps, each of which seem innocent.
> 
> Your husband should tell you to distance yourself from the other person - that's the right response anytime you find yourself developing those kind of feelings for someone who isn't your spouse.
> 
> Don't use this however as a threat to get him motivated to work harder. That will backfire.


Agree about the small steps. Very conscious about this.

Didn't mean it as a "threat." Not at all.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, you have to live with yourself. How does getting into your own emotional affair solve any of your problems? Just more running away, a temporary bandaid. Whatever your happiness inside, entering new relationships is intoxicating, but not a solution.

Are you in individual counseling?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> What do YOU think the majority of people entering emotional affairs say to themselves--anyhow?
> 
> Do you honestly think they wake up in the morning and say:
> 
> ...


I know about how they start. I am so very aware of this. I really do not think I am immune or special, obviously I am not. I do feel vulnerable and have done for a while which does not help, I guess I wanted to know how to tackle this the best way. If that means telling my H. I do not think he would go to MC again.

I also have really not engaged in inappropriate conversations with this person. Nor done anything inappropriate. We have trained together and talked about our lives but never about my marriage or it's difficulties, or my feelings. I have been so acutely aware of all the stuff my H did like this and been so conscious NOT to.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> Well, you have to live with yourself. How does getting into your own emotional affair solve any of your problems? Just more running away, a temporary bandaid. Whatever your happiness inside, entering new relationships is intoxicating, but not a solution.
> 
> Are you in individual counseling?


I am not entering into an EA. I want to know how to go forward. I want my H to want me and tell me those things about how great I am and how things are not the same without me when I'm not around. Not one of the people off my sports team.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I want my H to want me and tell me those things about how great I am and how things are not the same without me when I'm not around.


You are absolutely right, that your spouse should be telling you these things. Up to a point.

Have you sat down with him with the books His Needs / Her Needs and 5 Love Languages and Love Busters? All of these have free online quizzes. Get him to take them, and you do as well, and swap results.

With 5 Love Languages, it boils down to, if you love me, and you want to express love to me the way that I will recognize it as love, then this is how you do it. Most people express love to others the way THEY prefer to have it expressed. That's all fine and well, but it isn't as deeply appreciated. Whether that's "fair" or "right" is neither here nor there--it's just the truth.

But, at some point, you also have to realize that no other single person is going to be your cheerleader. If you don't feel good about yourself, another person's words aren't going to cut it. True self-respect (not self-esteem) isn't built on words. It's built on accomplishment. And I don't mean, winning trophies. I mean, mastery--learning how to cook a delicious dish, learning how to take good photographs, learning how to play an instrument--not well, just good enough.

If you haven't entered individual counseling after his affair, it seems to me you definitely need to. I certainly did, and gained tremendously as a result. A counselor will help you balance out whether your expectations for your husband are appropriate, too low, or perhaps, too high. In the last case, they could be an expression of self-doubt, lack of self-love, and neediness that no social or love relationship is going to "fix."


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you know what you are getting from her that you don't from H, then maybe use that info to target specific things you can add to your marriage.


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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

give your husband the book, "Hold on to your N.U.T.S" and ask him if he would consider reading it for you. If he does, you'll find you have the husband that you are looking for - will take effort on his behalf.

BTW - Do you know the definition of the word rationalize? It is the "rational lies" we tell ourselves to make unacceptable behavior, acceptable.

Best of luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I am not entering into an EA.


Yes you are.

Read you thread title again.

Shaggy nailed this one. Either you cut off contact with this woman and focus on your marriage or invite mayhem/madness and further disrespect to your marriage.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

It's very easy to become extremely attached to someone of the same sex and if you're open to sexual experience with them, things become even more hairy.

I think you should tell your husband, it would be the honorable and effective thing to do.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> iheartlife
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> ...


walkingwounded,

You are at great risk. "Crush" is a good word for it and the word itself communicates the power of the situation and what it can do to you and your family. A year or so ago, my wife told me she didn't love me and filed for divorce. I told her to go ahead and leave but she eventually changed her mind and came back. Since then I have been subject to the most unbelievably powerful "crushes" on other women in my environment, way stronger than anything I remember from high school or any other time.

The one time I shared my feelings in counseling, my wife did not take it well at all. Our counselor disapproved of my getting her all upset with this so I never mentioned it again. A couple times she mentioned it trying to use it against me, but I am really out of control here, these feelings are way too strong for me to do anything about.

And that is the big problem. If your feelings are any way near the intensity of mine, then your are on the brink of complete disaster. Uncountable times I have daydreamed and imagined myself leaning forward and kissing the object of my obsession. I attribute every sort of perfection, physical and emotional to her. I hang on her every word and long to gaze at her. I am completely out of my mind over this.

I am not in a position to cut off all contact. So I make it a point not to be physically close to her, not to be somewhere with her without a lot of other people around, not to engage in any personally endearing chit chat, only business. The intensity has passed with time but even in memory, it's one of the strongest positive feelings I have ever had


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If you know what you are getting from her that you don't from H, then maybe use that info to target specific things you can add to your marriage.


Yeah. It is as clear as day to me. It is stuff she says that would make my day if H ever said them to me. Makes me feel really sad actually.

Thanks for other replies, will respond later.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Gonna put this out there so here goes...
> 
> I have developed "feelings" for another person. Not sure what to call it, the word I think is "crush" but not sure.
> 
> ...


"How do I handle this?"

Cut it off. You have the power.

You cannot control your feelings; only the behavior to act on those feelings.

There is nothing wrong with your feelings. Those feelings towards another can happen ESPECIALLY when needs are not being met in a marriage/LTR.

I am assuming you don't have children.

This woman is "grooming" you with all of her sweet talk. She wants to have an affair with a married woman. 

She is not "just a friend." I have many girlfriends who do not tell me how "great" I am & "how much they miss me" all the time. 

The good news is that you are well educated on EA's & are asking for advice.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thanks everyone. Have read and digested.

To be honest I am surprised this hasn't happened sooner. Given all the difficulties we have had, I remember telling myself we were heading for something bad because of his refusal to engage in working on our marriage. I thought it would be me getting to meltdown and asking for separation.

It is screamingly obvious that this woman has come along just when I have been feeling particularly emotional about my marriage and the lack of effort from my H. Really it is textbook. I have not acted upon my feelings and do not wish to put myself in a bad position for anything to happen so I will be taking measures.

If she is "grooming" me, well I do not know. She is very tactile and "warm" with her words with everyone so it is difficult to tell. There is nothing to say she's looking for a way in as she is not party to any of the stuff going on in my marriage. It is feasible she feels the same about me as any other member on our team. I don't know. 

I have thought about telling H but I don't know. I want to.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I have thought about telling H but I don't know. I want to.


then do it.

what will it take for you to tell him?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

anonim said:


> then do it.
> 
> what will it take for you to tell him?


Not sure. I am worried he won't take it seriously because it's a woman.

Thereagain I am also worried because I feel like I have done something bad and I will be condemned for it.

I feel like it will be one or the other.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

How does she interact with other people? Do you think her behaviour is especially just for you, or is she the same with everyone else?

There’s many a guy that feels good because a woman smiles at him, especially if there’s a friendship there or if she’s an acquaintance and asks him about himself and preens him a bit. And loads of those guys make complete d!cks of themselves by thinking she's really interested in “him” when in reality it’s just how she is with everyone, warm, friendly and interested.

Maybe she’s read How to Win Friends and Influence People and she’s practising on your good self?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Not sure. I am worried he won't take it seriously because it's a woman.
> 
> Thereagain I am also worried because I feel like I have done something bad and I will be condemned for it.
> 
> I feel like it will be one or the other.


Well, the thing is, you now know from experience how easy it is to go down that road...even without intending to do so. My husband does as well. 

There is that possibility that your husband may see it as insignificant because she is a woman. There is an equal chance he will see it as equal to his EA. Really, the important thing is that YOU see it as equal. YOU recognize it for what it is. And YOU take steps to keep it from developing further. One of those steps is telling your husband, and facing whatever he says. As I said to my husband, "I now know how it feels to be on the other side...and I don't like it." 

Just tell him.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> How does she interact with other people? Do you think her behaviour is especially just for you, or is she the same with everyone else?
> 
> There’s many a guy that feels good because a woman smiles at him, especially if there’s a friendship there or if she’s an acquaintance and asks him about himself and preens him a bit. And loads of those guys make complete d!cks of themselves by thinking she's really interested in “him” when in reality it’s just how she is with everyone, warm, friendly and interested.
> 
> Maybe she’s read How to Win Friends and Influence People and she’s practising on your good self?


Hard to say. I am not arrogant enough to assume she find s me attractive. I have thrown this one around and really whether she does or not is kinda beside the point because the fact is I *do* like her and that is the problem in my eyes. Not like you might find someone attractive in passing but a level up.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Well, the thing is, you now know from experience how easy it is to go down that road...even without intending to do so. My husband does as well.
> 
> There is that possibility that your husband may see it as insignificant because she is a woman. There is an equal chance he will see it as equal to his EA. Really, the important thing is that YOU see it as equal. YOU recognize it for what it is. And YOU take steps to keep it from developing further. One of those steps is telling your husband, and facing whatever he says. As I said to my husband, "I now know how it feels to be on the other side...and I don't like it."
> 
> Just tell him.


I getcha. I guess I just do not want to be condemned. He took it a way further and because of that like you say, I recognize what is happening. I guess it is confusing because I do not feel like I love my H any less.


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