# Communicating your dating goals and finding out those of the person you are dating



## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

I wrote a few months ago about dipping my foot into the dating pool and I am now dating a nice guy I met (the first and only; so far, going very well).

While I am very happy to take this slow, I am very keen not to repeat past dating mistakes and thus far have been enjoying getting to know him. 

In my past relationships, I was very passive in terms of the direction of the relationship, and while I was in back-to-back LTRs, mostly live-in, the last two guys I was in a LTR with were more or less in it for as long as it was good, but with no interest in working at our relationship once we got past the honeymoon stage, no interest in making long-term plans, buying a house, getting married (my last LT boyfriend). 

Basically, they were happy enough but not F**K yes about the relationship. I felt I was the only one fighting for the relationship and eventually gave up and left. I know now in retrospect that there were red flags early on.

This time, I don't want to ignore red flags and am also conscious of finding out if the guy I am dating is looking for something substantial and long-term and even marriage (not with me, but in general) and/or living together, or if on the contrary, he is happy to keep going and cut his losses once the going gets tough (illness, normal life crises, etc.) I don't want another 5-year relationship; I'd rather be single. I like my life and my company and while I love having a partner, I don't need one.

So, the question is: when do you bring this up? And if they say that they don't want to remarry/live with someone again (already married, middle-aged), that's pretty much set in stone, right? I know that it does not have to mean that they want to marry ME if they say they could consider marriage, but I imagine that everyone is more or less clear on that; I know that is a definite long-term goal for me.

Many thanks and sorry for the rambling post! Btw, I haven't asked the guy I am currently dating about this yet.

I.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Perhaps not really think about long term plans in the first few months. 

I'd suggest not letting him be a live in relationship but certainly be exclusive if you two are serious. 

You'll know when's the right time to bring these topics up without rushing. Will you be prepared to break up and move on if forward growth isn't there?

I'd say you'd have to unless you want to keep him knowing it will never grow and he could leave anytime. Or you could. 

That's up to you!

You'll figure it out.


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

Many thanks for your reply! I would not be able to stay in a relationship that was not going anywhere at this stage of my life, but I would like to find out within 6 months so as not to waste time for either of us. I think you are right in terms of knowing when the time is right to bring it up.

Our communication so far has been very natural, unlike in previous relationships, and we have told each other that we are looking for a serious, exclusive relationship, so I am very happy so far but I have my eyes wide open too (as is he, and I like and respect that too).

Many thanks, I


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Realize that you can never be 100% sure of the future. If you've had relationships that lasted 5 years, that's longer than some marriages last. Maybe those people were too focused on the idea of being married and jumped in before they were ready or realized what marriage actually entails.

One thing you might look for are behaviors in his life which are long-term in nature. If he's in his 30's but is renting, works a string of short-term jobs, lives paycheck-to-paycheck, makes plans day-to-day instead of long-term, etc., that's probably someone who is more into living in the moment rather than working towards life goals. But if instead he owns his place, has a stable job, has a career path in mind, etc., those are signs of someone who might be a better fit for you. If someone like that is with you for years, then it's more likely that he sees you in his life long-term.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Irishgal said:


> Many thanks for your reply! I would not be able to stay in a relationship that was not going anywhere at this stage of my life, but I would like to find out within 6 months so as not to waste time for either of us. I think you are right in terms of knowing when the time is right to bring it up.
> 
> *Our communication so far has been very natural, unlike in previous relationships, and we have told each other that we are looking for a serious, exclusive relationship, *so I am very happy so far but I have my eyes wide open too (as is he, and I like and respect that too).
> 
> Many thanks, I


Well then havent you pretty much answered your own OP question? :wink2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is no answer to this...

Other than, no longer be that passive Irish clad gal.

Give each relationship that six months that you 'spelled'.

.........................................................................


Maireann lá go ruaig ach maireann an grá go huaigh. 

A day lasts until it's chased away but love lasts until the grave.

........................................................................

A love felt, lasts until it's chased away by indecision, followed by indigestion.

Is breá le grá, go dtí go ndéantar é a shaoradh trí dhínit, agus ina dhiaidh sin díomá


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well then haven't you pretty much answered your own OP question? :wink2:



But just because a couple agrees to be exclusive, this does not mean that the other person is necessarily looking for a long-term commitment. 

I know that my most recent LT boyfriend was also looking for an exclusive and committed relationship. He was excellent and hands-on with my daughter, would have never cheated on me, but he also refused to even consider buying a house together (we lived weekends in his place and weekdays in my house), or getting married, as he was so bitter about his divorce. He also pulled the "women are all the same" card quite a few times, which really hurt. In the end, he just shut down instead of trying to work through some issues we were having, hence the feeling that he was only in it until the going got somewhat tough. 

He also had very fixed ideas of moving to a rural village we visited several times when he retired (10-15 years from now) and he just expected me to move there, even though my daughter would be a teen then and it would be completely unfeasible in terms of my work. None of this was discussed with me- it was just announced.

So, even though the guy I am dating is looking for an exclusive relationship, experience has taught me that I can assume nothing without actually asking or talking. However, I think that you are right that the time will come and taking it slowly/easy for up to six months is ok. He is also responsible, has a successful career, has his own place, etc., which makes him more likely to commit, compared to someone living at home with their parents.

I guess I just wondered if this was a conversation that people have in the first few dates or one that they wait to have when the time is right a few months in.

Many thanks! I.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Irishgal said:


> So, even though the guy I am dating is looking for an exclusive relationship, experience has taught me that I can assume nothing without actually asking or talking. However, I think that you are right that the time will come and taking it slowly/easy for up to six months is ok. He is also responsible, has a successful career, has his own place, etc., which makes him more likely to commit, compared to someone living at home with their parents.
> 
> I guess I just wondered if this was a conversation that people have in the first few dates or one that they wait to have when the time is right a few months in.
> 
> Many thanks! I.


I guess when you stated serious and exclusive that in my mind, that in itself means building toward a future together... evidently not everyone sees it that way lol! I mean, if someone only wants a short term thing, then to me that isnt serious. 

Personally I prefer to have a conversation about intentions very early in, mainly because I tend to fall hard really fast, so the sooner I can find out that someone has no intentions of a serious relationship, the sooner I can save myself that potential heartache. By six months, if the chemistry is there, I'm going to be in love, so too late by then. (that's just me though and my picker sucks)


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’m in my 30s and I want marriage and kids. I smart and I advocate for myself and I don’t want to waste my precious time... therefore I have those conversations really early. Early as in when we are still dating and not yet a couple because I can’t be a couple with someone who doesn’t want what I want.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I’m in my 30s and I want marriage and kids. I smart and I advocate for myself and I don’t want to waste my precious time... therefore I have those conversations really early. Early as in when we are still dating and not yet a couple because I can’t be a couple with someone who doesn’t want what I want.


Well said.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> I’m in my 30s and I want marriage and kids. I smart and I advocate for myself and I don’t want to waste my precious time... therefore I have those conversations really early. Early as in when we are still dating and not yet a couple because I can’t be a couple with someone who doesn’t want what I want.


^^This.

I wouldn't be prepared to waste any of my precious time investing in a relationship that was going nowhere. When my husband and I met we both wanted to be sure that our dating goals were the same. We were both looking for an exclusive relationship that would lead to marriage. Now, that didn't necessarily mean we would be compatible, but there was zero point in going forward if one of us had a long term goal in mind and the other didn't.

If you bring this up and make your wishes clear and ask what his are, and he freaks out, well, there's your answer right there.


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

I guess that is my biggest doubt/fear- HOW do you word this and WHEN is the right moment to do so? I used to be terrified of real communication so I sought out equally communication-shy partners.
However, I wonder how many men are actually open to talking about this and being communicative, especially early on?

Do you just say it straight out a few dates in over dinner? I mean, there is no perfect time, but I find that in theory, everyone wants communication, but when it comes to the crunch, it is not that easy.

Would love your thoughts on this. I wish I had done this earlier on in the relationship I am in.

I.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My 2 cents, get answers to your questions without asking the questions.

Be aware of how SO is with young kids. Engaging or avoid them like the plague? 

My ex said she knew the moment she wanted to marry me when she saw me interacting with my 2 year old niece. In my case, do note the 'ex-wife' piece.

Pay attention to behavior rather than stated words. 

I had no intention of remarrying. And then I met someone who changed my mind. Notably, her end goal wasn't marriage. 

I dont think there is anything wrong with ditching someone that obviously doesn't share your goals. But I do think you are better served by making that discovery without directly asking for a response.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I really didn't like it when a guy asked me early on what was I looking for. of course, I was looking for marriage but let's just see if we actually like each other.

I can't help but feel that when guys asked that question, they were trying to figure out their manipulation strategy. Definitely, the guy I dated between marriages wanted the benefits of marriage without the commitment. He certainly convinced my sister and my parents that he was ready for marriage .....without ever having proposed. All three of them even contemplated that I should let him move in with me as he asked ....... or I might miss out.

IMO, the time that you have the talk is when one or the other is asking for more time and commitment, that's the time to start calling a spade a spade.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Interesting. I wouldn't see it as manipulation, but rather making sure there was no misunderstanding. If one person's goal is marriage and the other just wants to enjoy themselves but not commit, I think its good to learn that fairly early. 

It does have to be done carefully to avoid offending or giving the wrong idea, but it seems it would save a lot of heartache. 



NextTimeAround said:


> I really didn't like it when a guy asked me early on what was I looking for. of course, I was looking for marriage but let's just see if we actually like each other.
> 
> I can't help but feel that when guys asked that question, they were trying to figure out their manipulation strategy. Definitely, the guy I dated between marriages wanted the benefits of marriage without the commitment. He certainly convinced my sister and my parents that he was ready for marriage .....without ever having proposed. All three of them even contemplated that I should let him move in with me as he asked ....... or I might miss out.
> 
> IMO, the time that you have the talk is when one or the other is asking for more time and commitment, that's the time to start calling a spade a spade.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

uhtred said:


> Interesting. I wouldn't see it as manipulation, but rather making sure there was no misunderstanding. If one person's goal is marriage and the other just wants to enjoy themselves but not commit, I think its good to learn that fairly early.
> 
> It does have to be done carefully to avoid offending or giving the wrong idea, but it seems it would save a lot of heartache.


Whatever happened to "actins speak louder than words." The example of Mr. In Between should be enough to demonstrate how some people throw the M word around without acting like they want marriage at all. Mr.In Between did like his 5 star dining and hotel visits when we traveled, but someone trying to squeeze into my tiny apartment did not come across to me as "marriage material."

We continued to date -- I guess to prove to my family that I was giving him a fair chance. during that time, my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary by giving their children, children in law and grandchildren a one week cruise. Do you know, Mr in Between had nerve to tell me after the cruise that he was disappointed / pissed that my parents did not buy him a ticket. he had never proposed.

I suspect that had I forced the issue and we got engaged, he probably would have been the most uncooperative fiance in history. I could easily see him saying that we won't get married until he moves in with me first. Thankfully, I did not have to deal with a broken engagement.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sorry, I may not have seen the whole story. Did he tell you he was interested in marriage? I guess nothing will keep some people from just lying.

I remember after years of dating my (future) wife asked me. Turns out I had just assumed we would get married when we got out of grad school, and had never said anything. (we did). Still, very bad communication on my part -it seemed so obvious to me that it never occurred to me to bring it up until I was ready to formally ask her. (which I botched, but we've been married >30 years now so I guess it worked out)







NextTimeAround said:


> Whatever happened to "actins speak louder than words." The example of Mr. In Between should be enough to demonstrate how some people throw the M word around without acting like they want marriage at all. Mr.In Between did like his 5 star dining and hotel visits when we traveled, but someone trying to squeeze into my tiny apartment did not come across to me as "marriage material."
> 
> We continued to date -- I guess to prove to my family that I was giving him a fair chance. during that time, my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary by giving their children, children in law and grandchildren a one week cruise. Do you know, Mr in Between had nerve to tell me after the cruise that he was disappointed / pissed that my parents did not buy him a ticket. he had never proposed.
> 
> I suspect that had I forced the issue and we got engaged, he probably would have been the most uncooperative fiance in history. I could easily see him saying that we won't get married until he moves in with me first. Thankfully, I did not have to deal with a broken engagement.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There's definitely a 6th sense as to know when "the proper time" is!

But you'll know it!

As a member of the baby boomer class, I don't want to spurn another relationship, but after having been cheated on in two prior marriages, I am scared crapless about entertaining a third go at yet another one!

But as my good friend and moderator, @Deejo , earlier intoned, life and God seems to have a rather strange and unique way of circumventing the best of plans!

I honestly believe that it will take more than a hell of a lot of courage for me to ever make a bonafide pass again at a woman that I'm attracted to!

But we'll see what it is that God, as well as life, has in store!*


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Irishgal said:


> But just because a couple agrees to be exclusive, this does not mean that the other person is necessarily looking for a long-term commitment.
> 
> I know that my most recent LT boyfriend was also looking for an exclusive and committed relationship. He was excellent and hands-on with my daughter, would have never cheated on me, but he also refused to even consider buying a house together (we lived weekends in his place and weekdays in my house), or getting married, as he was so bitter about his divorce. He also pulled the "women are all the same" card quite a few times, which really hurt. In the end, he just shut down instead of trying to work through some issues we were having, hence the feeling that he was only in it until the going got somewhat tough.
> 
> He also had very fixed ideas of moving to a rural village we visited several times when he retired (10-15 years from now) and he just expected me to move there, even though my daughter would be a teen then and it would be completely unfeasible in terms of my work. None of this was discussed with me- it was just announced.


He wasn't very tactful, but at least he discussed his priorities.


> So, even though the guy I am dating is looking for an exclusive relationship, experience has taught me that I can assume nothing without actually asking or talking. However, I think that you are right that the time will come and taking it slowly/easy for up to six months is ok. He is also responsible, has a successful career, has his own place, etc., which makes him more likely to commit, compared to someone living at home with their parents.
> 
> I guess I just wondered if this was a conversation that people have in the first few dates or one that they wait to have when the time is right a few months in.
> 
> Many thanks! I.


If you won't be angry if you spend six months on a dead end, then it is cool to wait 6 months. You are right that you shouldn't assume someone you have fun with has the same priorities.

A friend told me she went on a date w/ some rich guy who used the date to discuss their marital living arrangement and she spent the date trying not to laugh and waiting for it to be over. I think it can be off-putting for someone to be that impatient, but once a relationship starts to get serious it is reasonable to want to find out what the possibilities are.

Have you considered saying something like this at some point- "I want some day to find a man who will marry me and __fill in the blanks__" ? You aren't putting him on the spot, he can think over what you say and you can come back to this later and find out where he stands.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Just ask him in a pass the butter tone "what are your dating goal?".


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This thread made me think, just for an instant, that it's a good thing I'm not dating.

I'd be the biggest man-***** around, again. But safe sex, tactful, always.

But seriously, take it slow, passionately, you'll know the right times for the different stages.


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

I think another question I have is about how we manage the fact that we both have kids and whether we keep that completely separate or not. 

At the moment, I get out twice a week to see him and stay over once a week, as I have a family member staying with me (my daughter's father lives in another city and only sees her a few times a year). It is a bit of a juggling act to combine their availability and it would suit sometimes for him to come for dinner in my house (I often just end up going to his to eat, exactly the same thing), but he really resists this and I don't know why. My daughter is 6.

I suspect it is that he wants to completely separate my life with him from my life with my daughter, even though we are going out for 3.5 months and exclusive. While I am very conscious about not involving my daughter or not looking for a father substitute in any way, it is inevitable that they meet and that he ends up spending some time with her. Moreover, when this family member leaves in a couple of weeks, I will be way more restricted about going out (not being able to stay overnight in his house) and it would be way easier for him to stay in mine sometimes. I come with a young daughter and for the foreseeable future, that is my life. 

At the same time, I don't want to force the issue, but it is a very pressing issue as soon I will be in a different situation, and as a single mother, it is one that needs to be addressed, not so much in terms of that I want them to spend time together, but that it is just inevitable that sometimes she will be there. It is obviously a make or break issue for me, as I can't do this any other way. It feels, though I am not entirely sure, that he wants the romance but wants nothing to do with me when I have my child. He also has a child who is 14 and who he sees every other weekend and one day a week. 

Do you think I sound reasonable?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Irishgal said:


> I think another question I have is about how we manage the fact that we both have kids and whether we keep that completely separate or not.
> 
> At the moment, I get out twice a week to see him and stay over once a week, as I have a family member staying with me (my daughter's father lives in another city and only sees her a few times a year). It is a bit of a juggling act to combine their availability and it would suit sometimes for him to come for dinner in my house (I often just end up going to his to eat, exactly the same thing), but he really resists this and I don't know why. My daughter is 6.
> 
> ...


You and your daughter come as a team. If he wants to be with you then he cant ignore the fact that you have a young child. If all he wants is dates with you and sex and that is all, what does that say about him?

My now husband met my children(teens and early 20's) very soon. I met his very soon also. We both knew within a week or two what each other wanted for the future, which was marriage, not living together and not a casual relationship.It was important that we were on the same page. 

I think its odd that after 3 1/2 months you don't seem to have talked generally about what you are each wanting for the future. I would have thought that you should have a pretty good idea by now what his hopes and aims are for any relationship. Does he want to marry again ever? Ask him. Is he ok with any future partner/spouse having a young child? Don't waste your time on a man who doesn't want what you do. With a child you need a man who would be committed to you and your child for life, if your relationship works out.

I know a couple who were talking about how many children they wanted after a few dates, they have been happily married for several years now. 
After 3 1/2 months you should know him well enough to be able to ask him things like this.


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

The thing is we have talked about quite a few things- our values, he would not rule out marriage, and he is always asking about my daughter and he is very dedicated to his son, and he has talked several times about doing things where both him and his son and me and my daughter would do something. 

However, he never seems to act on it. Several times, we have had a gap of several days as my cousin could not babysit and he was all "I really miss you, can't wait to see you", but if I say I'll be out at the beach/evening concert with my daughter, he'll express interest as if he plans to meet us, but later mentions nothing about it and just asks how it went. Also, in those moments, I have told him I can cook at mine when my daughter is in bed, but he just says better to wait until my cousin can babysit. He always comes to pick me up from my house to bring me to his house.

I didn't notice it so much before as he was talking the talk, but I am realising several times that he blatantly ignores or brushes off anything where he might spend time with me and my daughter, even if just for a drink. He has met her once, and waves at her from the street when he picks me up.

It feels very strange and not right to the point that I feel like I have to ask him outright how he feels about dating someone with kids and the involvement he has/wants, if any, with the kids.

I have to add that he is recovering from major surgery so he would not easily go out of the house at the weekend anyway if he could choose to stay at home, but it still feels strange and something feels off.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

I know a couple who were talking about how many children they wanted after a few dates, they have been happily married for several years now. 
After 3 1/2 months you should know him well enough to be able to ask him things like this.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> I’m in my 30s and I want marriage and kids. I smart and I advocate for myself and I don’t want to waste my precious time... therefore I have those conversations really early. Early as in when we are still dating and not yet a couple because I can’t be a couple with someone who doesn’t want what I want.


While you may think you know what you want, you also maybe missing something very special. It takes time to build a deep lasting friendship. It also takes a deep understanding of a person's ethics and morals to trust them fully.

Having someone you lust after, having someone you love, having someone you trust because they are trustworthy, having someone who is your best friend are strong traits for a good marriage. 

One of the things that the Gottman's do in their marriage workshops is encourage couples to talk about their future. Deep and discuss what kind of relationship they want in 5, 10, 15 and 20 years. This kind of verbalization of dreams is one way to see if you share the same kind of dream of the future or at least to introduce each other to the other's dreams/goals. Who knows the other's goals might just grow on you.

Good luck.


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