# My Story



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Hey new member her but I think this might help telling others about what happen in my marriage. 

Back in December last year I got a kidney transplant my second. Somewhere after that time wife started getting distant from me and her birthday in March she went to Dallas to visit friends a few times. Finially in April from her coldness and phone that now required a password that was never there before I asked her if she was having an affair. At first she said no but later that night when I was at work she told me the truth all full on PA. She had also lied to all her friends to which was a blow none of them could believe also I told all the kids when I came home that morning. The wierd thing was she was still going to church which I could not figure out. So the pastor ask her to come clean and who did she love more God or OM? So just starting that week was also a program through church call greif recovery. She agreed to attend and cut off all contact with other man. She blocked his phone number for one and took off password. But Gmail/facebook does horrible job of blocking stuff. I got all kinds of rotten stuff he would send me or her. The facebook stuff stop but you can't block gmail. One lastest thing he wrote was send ring back or I will send your panties to the pastor. Who just got heart surgery. Pretty sick hun? So after he grief recovery class we went through professional marriage consuling which seem to really help bring us back together. The OM we have agreed to send him back his money (for ring) but wife is treating him like a creditor. She tells him send us a PDF file with what we are paying for with my full name and that you will stop contacting me and sign it also.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Now just as Jesus said he with out sin cast first stone I am no angel either. What help cause our rift was my fault too. Instead talk time with wife or just spending time I would occupy my time with TV or other things. Also not taking care of the kids. 
After the affair did come out I was lost. I felt should I turn to drugs, alcohol, run away, shot myself, etc. It really hit me hard Id did not know were to turn too. So after talking with pastor I deciede to turn to God. I always depend on myself to get things done really did not understand give it to God meant. But I felt now that no matter how it turned out I would be okay either way.

Almost everyone that know me now says I am a different person. Even my kids feel it from me also. 

Thanks for listening to my past..


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Just wanted to let you now that someone has read it.
Im sorry for the hardship.

Can you give us some more info. how it started,how long,with whom, And whats your wife´s mood as of today.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Thanks for taking the time. I think after the transplant in jan2011 it started harmlessly by talking then he wormed his way in from there. and closed out in April after I found out. Most likely PA was twice in March during her birthday month. He is 4 hours away so to see him had to be covered by other lies. I never asked for details I don't know how that would help anything but she is completely open with me on everything from passwords to her phone. I control her email which again is gmail and we can't completely block him only filter. So we have a special folder setup incase things get out of hand (ei stalking, threats ,etc) This is were we are being ask to to replace a ring he gave her that she threw away. I am fine with giving him the money for it as if he took us to court we would loose anyway and more contact for him. She will also give him the leave me alone letter at this time.

I say her mood to me is a complete 180 she now see what a mistake it would have been to choose this path and the hurt it would have caused to loose family and friends. The biggest thing he never really tried to win her back??? I seen everything he wrote after the breakup and from shift blaming to taking it on me to cursing her and the wierd thing he said he would do. Like send panties and phone record to pastor again right after pastor had heart surgery


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

sirdano said:


> So after talking with pastor I deciede to turn to God. I always depend on myself to get things done really did not understand give it to God meant. But I felt now that no matter how it turned out I would be okay either way.
> 
> Almost everyone that know me now says I am a different person. Even my kids feel it from me also.
> 
> Thanks for listening to my past..


I'm glad that this is taking you to a more positive path in your life.

Just letting you know that you post somehow helps me to believe that I too can come out better for this...


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> I'm glad that this is taking you to a more positive path in your life.
> 
> Just letting you know that you post somehow helps me to believe that I too can come out better for this...


Yes and it is sad that some people choose the destructive ones. In my life I never choose the easy path. I find the thing that are the hardest you value more!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I beleive as husbans and wifes we need to treat each other like if we would be planting a garden.

Think a flower that you plant needs water, good soil and light. Take those away and it dies. My mistake as stated before I neglected our marriage put it on cruise control and thought everything would be okay. Please dont ever do this.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

I agree. I too made the mistake of putting it on cruise control. I'm just glad both me and my husband are now of the same mind. Just struggling so much with the pain right now. Still we reap what we sow...


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

This is so true that is why I now only sow love!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So let me get this straight. She had a full on PA with an OM, who *she gave her panties* to and *he gave her a ring*? Was it an engagement ring? Now he's basically blackmailing her? Did they plan to run off together and leave you in the dirt? This is sick. And how the hell is he supposed to send the panties to your pastor? Does he know the address?

First off, *NEVER take responsibility for her affair*. Were you a perfect husband? Of course not. You are only responsible for 50% of the marital problems before the affair. *The affair is 100% her fault*. Instead of choosing to work it out with you, to communicate with you, to go to counselling, she chose the easy route, to bang an OM and ruin her marriage. That was a very poor decision on her part. She has to own it! Did she just magically forget her vows? You know, those vows about her forsaking all others, *in sickness and in health*, for better or worse, etc?

And you've chosen to have your pastor counsel the both of you? It's been my experience that when you go that route instead of going to an MC thats experienced in dealing with infidelity, that it doesn't help that much because your pastor is going to push you to R and basically rug sweep. And rug sweeping is the worst thing you can do. Believe me, when you rug sweep this affair, the resentment that you feel is just going to build up and eat at you. You went thru the hurt and agony, while she feels none of the consequences for her actions and getting off scott free. Do not sweep this under the rug! If you can, get to a professional MC who is experienced in dealing with infidelity.

Before you say R, is she totally in the left column here? What has she done to earn a shot at R? Is she remorseful? Is she *willingly* transparent?










And far too many people view Christianity as a free card to cheat, that you must forgive and forget. I disagree with that. God's love is unconditional, this is true. But forgiveness is not. Or else we would not have a hell. God knows that there are those who will reject his love. Throughout the Bible, its shown time after time that forgiveness comes after repentance and that the person will sin no more. What has she done to show she's repentant/remorseful? Merely saying sorry isn't remorse. 

You also need to file a police report for harassment against this OM and have your WW send a NC letter, that any more attempts at contact will result in a RO against him.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Sorry if I was not clear in some of my ranting but yes we are seeing professional consuling at $110 an hour. We have been doing this for two months every week now and things are getting better. We are also once a month seeing spritual help. They are not trying to sweep it under the rug. As per the Bible I have every right to devorce wife under Gods law and she would not be able to remarry if she wish to stay in church or do her own thing. But I did not choose that. Yes he does know pastor address as he was a member once. But one thing I am in a agreement with wife is we pay OM back what is owe give him letter and we are done. If he continues then RO. As for if she deserves R yes she came clean in all those. Only the last one I never care to ask for time place how etc.Do I really need to know how they had sex together? I don't think that would add to my healing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she still contacting him and responding to his emails?

As for the ring - come on - he's not going to send panties to a the pastor and even if he did the pastor already knows about your wife's affair - so old news.

What have you done with the ring itself? 

Another thing that some find helpful is to take all the clothes she wore for him, the sexy underwear, the shoes - take it all and burn it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*One lastest thing he wrote was send ring back or I will send your panties to the pastor. *

I know that is not meant to be funny but I seriously almost spit out my tea whole reading that. :rofl:

Ok here is the deal: no contact with other man completey and forever and commits to the marriage, shows remorse and a willingness to be in the marriage.

If she can't roll with that, file for divorce.

You deserve better.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

And take the ring to a pawn shop. I mean, come on!


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Ring??? He gave her a ring and wants it back? I'd personally give it back to him and he wouldn't like where it wound up.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

*One lastest thing he wrote was send ring back or I will send your panties to the pastor.*

How thick was the fog that hid _that_ psycho?


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

The panties thing did not scare me as to more show my wife what a sicko he really was. Again yea we don't owe him a thing but I thing it is better to do this then be dragged through small claims court later. Yes I alos know that email can be change but that would not stop snail mail and the pain of changing everything you do just for this scum. I have allow the emails as she only responded back to the ring thing and nothing else and I have been with her upon doing so. Again we reat him as if we were paying a debt off nothing more. A warning after this is completed will be sent about a RO and the anti stalking laws.


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