# Help please emotional affiair



## sadinwisconsin (Mar 5, 2012)

This all started in October when I planned a coffee date behind my wife's back and she found out about it and said I was a cheater and that I have lied to her for seven years. Back in October we reconciled a little but messed up by not going to counseling my fault I should have suggested it. Our son just turned 18 and it was like a switch went off and now she is emotionally attached to a guy at work. She told me she loves him and he loves her because he's feeling neglected by his wife at home in Texas. They have not had sex and she told me that he can't some kind of issue that he has but she told me everything they have been doing together, like for the past couple of weekends she has been spending it with him and not been home with me. We did spend time together this weekend the only reason is because he is home in Texas with his family. I looked at her phone and found a text message from him that said "I wish we were still in bed together". That was Saturday night so I woke her up she was passed out from drinking to much and that was how I got into her work phone. I was drunk to and when your wife tells you she loves someone else it really messes with your head so I called him from her work phone and he didn't answer it but later on he called her and she was still passed out so I answered the phone and told him to end the relationship with my wife and the response was "when my wife moves up to Wisconsin in May the relationship will be over". I don't think this is fair to me I'm left high and dry while him and her are out having fun and she says their relationship just comes naturally there is no effort to put into it. She is pissed at me because I talked to him on her phone and is really mad at me. I'm have been going to see a therapist to work out my issues but I told her when she spends time with him it hurts me. She tells me we won't get divorced because she is not going to ruin his family because they have kids and she isn't going to raise kids anymore because she is done with that and she doesn't want him to leave his wife. Do I stand pat here and wait for this to fizzle out I have no clue what to do. Help me please


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Kick her cheating a$$ to the curb. "he has some kind of problem" wtf?!?!?! Don't kid yourself - THEY HAVE HAD SEX. SHE says there will be no divorce? Really. You need to correct that little misconception of hers.

Once you're split, do some work on yourself, though, before getting into another relationship. Having a lunch date and lying to your wife about it indicates a problem.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Kick her cheating a$$ to the curb. "he has some kind of problem" wtf?!?!?! Don't kid yourself - THEY HAVE HAD SEX. SHE says there will be no divorce? Really. You need to correct that little misconception of hers.
> 
> Once you're split, do some work on yourself, though, before getting into another relationship. Having a lunch date and lying to your wife about it indicates a problem.



---Ditto.....


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## sadinwisconsin (Mar 5, 2012)

I know I screwed up by not telling her how I felt when I made the coffee date, that I was feeling negelected. Her and I did have a good day on Sunday we talked kissed she climbed on top of me just to hug me. I know she still loves me I can tell. Yes I know I have a problem by not telling her about it but I want to be totally honest with her now and tell her everything that led up to the coffee date and I have done that. I am going to therapy to work on myself atm to figure me out so I can be a better me.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Kick her cheating a$$ to the curb. "he has some kind of problem" wtf?!?!?! Don't kid yourself - THEY HAVE HAD SEX. SHE says there will be no divorce? Really. You need to correct that little misconception of hers.
> 
> Once you're split, do some work on yourself, though, before getting into another relationship. Having a lunch date and lying to your wife about it indicates a problem.


Three times

DO NOT stand there pat until it fizzles - wanna know why? 

Because if you do when this one fizzles, if you let her get away with it, she'll just find another.

You've got to fix it or break it man, there is no third option unless you're willing for your wife to have a boyfriend.


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## sadinwisconsin (Mar 5, 2012)

I want to fix it and yesterday I almost had her talked into therapy yesterday when we were together. She asks me how does it feel to know another man loves your wife like she is trying to get revenge just to hurt me.


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## sadinwisconsin (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm going to talk to my therapist also who is a marriage therapist and see what his opinion is on this if he tells me to leave I will leave with no contact with her until she breaks off the affair.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sadinwisconsin said:


> I want to fix it and yesterday I almost had her talked into therapy yesterday when we were together. She asks me how does it feel to know another man loves your wife like she is trying to get revenge just to hurt me.


"Talk her into" therapy?!?!?! There is no TALKING INTO here. You give her an ultimatum - either she does this, this, this and this times a hundred, or her a$$ is homeless. There's a bunch of links around here you can read up on what a wayward spouse has GOT to do, if you actually think she's worth the effort. I don't - she is walking all OVER you here.

Seriously dude. Man up here.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

First, whatever your indiscretion it is not justification for her cheating - no way no how.

Second, to fix it - you have to be prepared to break it. Meaning you have to define what you will and will not accept and what your corresponding actions are and then tell these to your wife. Were it me - I would tell her that unless she immediately ended all contact with the OM and went to MC that I would file for divorce. If you do this she'll b!tch and moan and call you a SOB and everything else under the sun - she may well leave, but what have you got right now anyway? You will likely have to show her divorce papers to bring her around. You don't have to go through with it, but seeing those in black and white is usually a huge wake up call.

You have to hit this hard and mean it. You have to lay out your expectations and consequences and then stick to them.


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## sadinwisconsin (Mar 5, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> First, whatever your indiscretion it is not justification for her cheating - no way no how.
> 
> Second, to fix it - you have to be prepared to break it. Meaning you have to define what you will and will not accept and what your corresponding actions are and then tell these to your wife. Were it me - I would tell her that unless she immediately ended all contact with the OM and went to MC that I would file for divorce. If you do this she'll b!tch and moan and call you a SOB and everything else under the sun - she may well leave, but what have you got right now anyway? You will likely have to show her divorce papers to bring her around. You don't have to go through with it, but seeing those in black and white is usually a huge wake up call.
> 
> You have to hit this hard and mean it. You have to lay out your expectations and consequences and then stick to them.


I'm going to talk to my therapist Wednesday and ask what he thinks I've been leaning more towards what you have said here but want to talk to my therapist first.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So if your therapist tells you to lay down and let her walk all over you are you going to do that?? Therapists don't always know what's best for us you know.

You sound like you have a hard time standing up for yourself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sad, even if he has ED, you and I both know there are MANY other things that have been done!

What do you think they're doing on these weekends?

You need to nuke this right away before you can even consider reconciling! First things first though:

Protect yourself - Cancel any joint credit credit cards. Don't let her use your good credit to finance her "weekends" with Romeo. Take half the money in any joint accounts you have and put it into accounts with your name only. Talk to a lawyer so you know what your rights are

Investigate - Get a key logger and some VARs (voice activated recorders). Place a VAR in her car (velro it to under the seat)

She's having the affair and she's pissed at you? Please!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

sadinwisconsin said:


> I'm going to talk to my therapist Wednesday and ask what he thinks I've been leaning more towards what you have said here but want to talk to my therapist first.


On the sands of hesitation,

Lay the bones of countless millions,

Who at the dawn of victory

Sat down to wait,

And waiting—died!

Do you really need your therapist to tell you that it's not ok for your wife to have a boyfriend??


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

These people are offering you sound advise,I know.My wife ha a EA for four months,an ex high school boyfriend,they even met a few times in a K-Mart parking lot during the day,I knew where this was leading.Ahh the f#cking fog they go through,was'nt easy but I put a stop to it before it was too late.So,go get your [email protected] off the rearview mirror in your wifes car,use them and put a stop to this sh!it before its too late,I wish I would have done it sooner but I did do it in the nick of time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If you honestly believe that they have not had physical contact then you are living in a bubble. You need to kick her out then work on your issues, you DO NOT get revenge by starting an affair. two wrongs do not make a right!!!! I think you having therapy is a good thing BUT you should not be living your life trying to fix yourself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do what everyone else says and also tell his wife. That way you put pressure on the affair from both ends.

Quit letting your wife own you.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Let us attempt to shed some light on your situation. 

The type of behavior you see in your wife is not at all uncommon as far as cheating is concerned. What she is doing now can happen even if your relationship was strong even though it would have been less likely. 

The likely reason your wife is behaving as such is due to the human natural reproduction mechanism. Falling in love is identified with a release of an amalgam of hormones in the brain that causes specific behaviors. A few things are of note about this process: 

- it is not voluntary, we do not choose with whom this triggers
- it is not logical, the general triggers for this are still undetermined and likely different from person to person
- it is finite in time from a couple of months till about 2 years it can last

Your wife has the hormonal rush for the other guy. it can happen to you too for another woman and if you look at it you realize that if it had happened to you it was not that correlated to how happy you where in the relationship. It is correlated to how many opportunities you have for it to happen.

As to advice on how to improve the situation: 

- get out and get busy. Work on yourself, your passions and your hobbies. Evolve. 

- Begging, pleading will not work it will make things worse. 

- work on developing alpha male behaviors and attitudes along the lines of:

-	confidence, leadership, decisiveness
-	control your reality, social mastery
-	have a still center, nothing phases you
-	tone of voice and body language 
-	unashamed, relaxed


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