# Do I have to know everything?



## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

So I was on here a while ago, had a thread called "don't want to lose her". First of all thanks to everyone for their advice and help. I learned a lot here!

Originally I thought the affair had been only online. TOM lives a ways away, about a five hour drive. Then I found out he came to our area to work and they met up probably two nights. For those of you reading this that don't want to believe the people on here that tell you not to leave when your spouse asks you to because they need space, LISTEN TO THEM!! Cause guess what; that was exactly when this happened. She asked me to give her time and so I left for a couple days and thats when it happened. Too bad I didn't find this website untill after.

Anyway, she says they only kissed and hugged and blah blah blah. I've never really believed her but have decided to forgive her anyway. Problem is, now that we're trying to reconcile, I feel like, #1, that its preventing her from comitting to me 100% because of guilt and, #2, I feel like I have to know. I'm not talking about details, just whether they were intimate in a sexual way or not.

So could this secret be bothering her enough to commit to the relationship? She is having a VERY hard time not talking to him. She is also trying very hard with us. She has just recently started to confide in me about her feelings, like she would talk to a friend. Then I was up in the middle of the night and she woke up too,couldn't help it, I told her I couldn't stop imagining them together. That made her say she knew she shouldn't be talking to me about her feelings. I hope I didn't make us take a step back that way because it was really helping both of us.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Of course she is having a hard time not talking to him, a drug addict has a hard time not shooting up. I do want to caution you on your feelings about this. SOmetimes you can be your own worst enemy with assumptions and being unable to manage your own emotions. Yes, she feels she reached out to you and you couldnt handle it... now, ASAP you need to apologize for that night and that you want her to feel confident sharing with you like she did. 

At the same time, so you dont dump on her again, you need to teach yourself (unless you can go to a therapist) to maintain control over your emotions and emotional responses. If you wake in the middle of the night from thoughts like that... you need to be responsible for your reactions and not pour them onto her (bc it appears the way your poured them made her feel scared to share with you). 

From the way you describe yourself and your limits to what you can emotionally handle, do not seek details of what happened or even if sex did happen, as it would only lead to more nightmare wakeups and verbal dumping on your spouse. Accept that that is a limit of yours, a personal boundary to not allow yourself to cross. No good will come from it.

Take proactive steps to manage your emotions. I take rescue remedy from Whole Foods grocery store, along with a cortisol reducing supplement. I have noticed a 100% improvement in my ability to walk away from my husbands outbursts without being baited in with further personal stabs. 

Please find something that works for you, meditation, walking, singing, and perhaps the "Stress Less Sleep" supplement would help you wake less from those thoughts.

Focus on the fact that she is trying very hard, like you say. You then try to return that favor and do your part to manage your emotions.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

JDJ, your wife asked you for space and to move out because she knew OM was coming over and she wanted time with him in your home? Did that really happen like that?

You have been Massively Betrayed. And Manipulated why beyond belief.

Your wife JDJ has absolutely no respect for you as a person let alone as her husband.

Of course you want to know all the details. How on earth can you forgive what you don’t know about. If she wants you to forgive her tell her to write down exactly what happened from the time OM told her he was coming to the area you live in until the time you moved back home again.

Bob


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Well it didn't happen at my house....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case I needed to know, My wife says the same thing, but heres my take;
I thought of all the gangbangs she may have had, how many circus freaks was she involved with, or how many times was she tied up. With that said, my W understood that my imagination was getting the worst of me. So in this sence she needed to clarify my perseption of her cheating in that it was all generic stuff. She went into details, and not all of them had large ones, and some where pretty ughly the next day and some became so needy, and so forth and so on.
In the end it help me heal, the imagination stopped running wild and things were cleared up. There is the trickle truth and that can be good and bad, But it started getting worse, so it was time to move on.
I have found that it is time to stop asking questions and start focusing on why it happened and repair my marriage.

At a point it gets to were it cant get any worse and you dont need to know any more. The bottom line is she f**ked other men one way or another, does it really matter if it was with circus clowns, migets, or a good friend. I have to heal. Any way thats my take on how much my wife needs to tell me.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

When Hubby and I first started therapy, after his infidelity, I was feeling desperate to know the details. I had enough info, gathered through our records, to know he had been hanging out at strip clubs for at least 4 years, without my knowledge. Our therapist "postponed" my insistence on knowing all, until Hubby had realized, admitted, and apologized for, cheating on our marriage. 

Therapist asked me to think about whether I really needed to know the details, or could I move forward, not knowing a single thing more. She actually said, "Be careful what you wish for"! It was one of the hardest decisions I have made in my life. I decided to move forward, and work on my marriage. I still struggle, almost everyday, with questions, imaginings, etc., but less so, than at the beginning. I do realize, at this point, that if I HAD insisted on knowing EVERYTHING, I probably wouldn't have stayed. Side note: I did have my Dr. check me for STDs as soon as I found the charges on the credit card statement.

We work, everyday, on strengthening our marriage. I took partial responsibility for what our marriage had started lacking, but made it clear that I took no responsibility, whatsoever, for the choices he made.

He has confessed his deep feelings over what he had done, a couple of times, and it was hard to sit and listen, but knew it was a necessary part of healing, especially since, at the end of his confessions, he always makes sure that I know he realizes how sorry he is, how much we could have lost, and how many lives he could have affected by his actions.

I still, occasionally, feel resentment for the position he has put us in, but I remind myself that working on our marriage is now a common goal. 

If you can, I would suggest having a marriage therapist help you both through this. She needs to direct her energies and thoughts toward your marriage, not TOM. Absolutely NO contact with him. Have her write a "No Contact" letter, as suggested by Tanelornpete, and you proofread it, and YOU send it. You also need full disclosure of emails, phone records, etc.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Great feedback, thank you. 

But does anybody have experience where she'll have trouble recovering if this is eating away at her? Won't it affect her forever if she doesn't deal with it? I get the sense she sometimes thinks about telling me something but then changes her mind. I'm sure it would be very difficult to say it out loud.

I think I can forget about it and move on...I have to I guess. Just need to know she can do the same.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

Again, I would suggest a therapist-not to tell you what to do, but to help both of you decide if you can continue and grow, without the "revelations". It may well be that she needs to unload her guilt, but it may not be best to dump it on you. Perhaps a therapist can help her realize what she needs, to go forward, as well as you.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My W's "trickle truth" most recent revelation was made at our therapist's office. It provides a safe environment. Get checked for STD's. Make sure it's over. Don't take her word for it. Cheater and truthful are contraditions!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It was very dificult for me to hear her, it was very difficult in her telling me. Some subject (like the good friend) took my W a couple of days to tell. She realized that if my imagination convinced me that this friend took her, I would have shot him, so she needed to tell me the logistic, the reason, the approach on how it went down. And the envolvement she had. She says this was the worst of the worst.
Let me put it this way, it got to a point were she didnt have protected sex as stated several months ago. It was getting worse and worse. She says she wants to block out the time she would wake up and have them in her, and the time she would pick the biggest/ughlest guy so she wouldnt get passed around. 
This is what I mean by enough is enough, and we just need to move forward. I just dont need to know any more. Its time to heal. (emotional, we are, and will continue to get checked for STD's ) 
Its been 9 months since I was last checked, I think I'm due for another check up). I checked out ok in Feb., Im not feeling so well lately.


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