# Does it come back?



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hey all. Hi. Hi there. 

Quick synopsis of my story...almost 2 years ago my husband left me for the 2nd time. Moved out again for about 6 months like the time 2 years earlier (Been married 5 years now). He said he "wasn't happy". I got into therapy and started a 2 year self-growth journey. It's been amazing. But he and i never fight. We get along. He said some things to me that were shattering -- that he never wanted to get married, never loved me, he's been pretending this whole time...There were other issues too--- phone shadiness, i'm sure of an emotional affair which he won't admit to. Lies about money and costs of things. Lies about taxes and money owed. Credit card debt that was lied about. Lies lies lies lies LIESSSS.

We separated almost two years ago and I dated someone else. My husband and I agreed to have separate lives. Fine. He dated someone, and it's funny because I didn't even care that he was. I haven't talked to the person I dated in about 4 months. I wanted to really give this marriage a true shot. I have no idea if he talks to his. I don't care either. So weird.

He moved back in November of 2013. Not because he asked (which was a boundary I tried to impose) but because he was very ill (ER visits, etc) and he "hated paying rent". Nice.

Then life went back to "normal". I told him to quit drinking or he'd have to leave. He quit. Hasn't been in any program but hasn't drank anything in about 9 months. 

He has been telling me he'd go to therapy for his issues (childhood abuse issues that ruin us) but he hasn't yet. He's been saying this for 2 years.

So June this year (my birthday), I lose my sh1t because he "forgets" my birthday. He says he didn't...that he was going to celebrate that night but he went ALL DAMN DAY without saying Happy Birthday. Rude. I mean, wtf.

I laid into him. Said i was 1/2 inch from filing the last of the divorce papers (I filed the 2nd time he walked out). He said he'd change. He loves me. He wants this marriage. Blah blah. Fine. One last chance.

And he's been so GOOD  Always telling me he loves me (he could never say it before). Always wanting to be physical (which irritates me and makes me feel dehumanized because I'm not just here for his sexual convenience). Helps around the house. Works hard at work. Takes us out. We have a GREAT TIME. We can hang out and laugh. Chill. 

But I feel nothing romantic or intimate for him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want to kiss him (he kisses me and I feel nothing). I don't want him commenting on my body (Hey sexy!) I don't want him telling me he loves me. I'm not feelin it. And don't even start with sex. I barely want it, and I just lay there and let him finish and feel HORRIBLE afterwards.

Does it come back? Do I want it back? Does it just reach a point where a person is DONE? I dunno. This is where I am.

I just don't seem to care. I love him. I know i love him or I'd have walked last year. But....wtf is this feeling? It's like he's just family. He has started talking to his family again which was a major concern and issue in our marriage, but I just feel done. Problem is, I still am trying to PROTECT him and his feelings. 

Wtf is wrong with me? Damn. I am scared to let go and scared to go another year married.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Have you talked about this with your therapist? Are you still seeing a therapist? 

I actually think that your love for him is dead. But this is something you will have to figure out on your own.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

There is nothing wrong with you. You've done the same thing many have done, the same thing my wife did. You've built an emotional wall between you and your husband to protect you emotionally. As long as you have that wall up, you are safe from being emotionally hurt if he walks out again. When you take it down you will become emotionally vulnerable to him again. It took my wife over 3 years to completely remove hers but it can be done. But the first thing you need to do is to commit to yourself that you want this marriage. And he needs to continue to show his reinforcement of supporting you and the marriage. If not, it will never come back.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I saw my therapist for 1.5 years and haven't felt the need in the past 2 years. I have worked on my issues and use the tools she gave me to continue the work. The work was on ME, not the marriage. It helped tremendously.

But how sad is that that my love could just be dead.

My friend told me "this is the fallout for his behavior". I somewhat agree. I am looking into why I want to worry about his happiness rather than my own. For years he was barely "here". Never emotionally available. I learned, or was conditioned by him, not to turn to him. When he moved out the two times, he wasn't fighting for me or to move home. He wanted me to endure his "need to figure things out" and now it's been 3 months and he doesn't get that I have to heal and figure things out. He just wants to move on and forget the last four years. When I mention that I need time, he pouts and storms off. 

Yes, there's a wall. Quite honestly, the idea of him leaving again doesn't bother me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you reconciled as much as he moved back in. So he came back as a roommate, and he'll stick around as a roommate. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

In order for it to come back you must fall in love with him again. The wall that Amp mentions is preventing that love from growing.

I had fallen out of love with my wife many years ago and I was able to work past it and fall in love again. If you focus on that instead of defending yourself you can probably fall in love again as well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You may still love him but you're not in love with him. Who you presumably want is the person you were with before you let him come home. That's who you were in love with and, I'm guessing, are still in love with. 

He's not who you really want. So, no, it's highly unlikely to come back.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good food for thought.

I just wonder how much of his "goodness" the last few months is real change or just more pretending? He said he pretended the whole time because of the kids. 

I wonder how much I have to endure. When I want to talk about "us", he closes up. He doesn't want to talk about the past. He wants to move forward. I ask why he loves me and he says 'because you're sexy'. It irritates me so badly.

I do enjoy being with him. I enjoy hanging out with him....but not being intimate. We've never been emotionally intimate so this sudden urge on his part is weird and uncomfortable. 

You're right about the wall though. I am not defending myself more as I'm living my life from looking at his patterns. Every 1.5 years, h would leave.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The person I was with while separated (and he knows I was with someone), I do recognize as not being real. It was a bubble. Easy to be "in love" with a bubble. no bills, no kids, no real life. 

But I know how that person made me feel validated and real. For my whole person, not just my wife-skills or sex. I try to talk to him about it and he gets defensive saying I should be happy he still finds me sexy  Ok then.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I know I should talk to him but it's so damn scary. I guess that's the reason I should talk to him about all of this...remove the fear. Lay it out and see what happens. 

But then I realize how deep the conditioning has gone in regards in how I deal with him. I shouldn't feel afraid to talk to this man after all he's done. I should feel that I have that right to lay it out and really talk about it. But in the past, it's never gone well. He goes quiet...and usually walks away.

But then I guess that answers my problems if he does that again. Maybe he won't. Either way, I should probably talk to him.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

H def. seems like he wants to move forward like nothing ever happened, yet his inability to discuss the past is not going to help that wall come back down.

But I am not entirely sure that it is a wall. The love may have very well been killed.

I think your behavior of protecting his feelings is probably a familiar, old-hat response in a dysfunctional environment, which is why in spite of your dead feelings, it it easy to fall back into your present arrangement.

If you want different, you gotta do different. H is fine with picking up where you left off, but the relationship is dead. It's time to let go of that old paradigm and try to rebuild something entirely new. We know where H stands, you just have to dig deep and see where you stand and how drastic you are willing to get to get different results.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

that_girl said:


> I know I should talk to him but it's so damn scary. I guess that's the reason I should talk to him about all of this...remove the fear. Lay it out and see what happens.
> 
> But then I realize how deep the conditioning has gone in regards in how I deal with him. I shouldn't feel afraid to talk to this man after all he's done. I should feel that I have that right to lay it out and really talk about it. But in the past, it's never gone well. He goes quiet...and usually walks away.
> 
> But then I guess that answers my problems if he does that again. Maybe he won't. Either way, I should probably talk to him.


Many men, like myself, can be pretty dense when reading a situation like this. "We're not fighting, we're having sex, everything must be OK." You owe it to him to talk to him. But you must make sure you want it back and if so, let him know that too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. I couldn't quite word it but I think you did.

It doesn't feel like a wall. It feels like indifference and that's scarier. So perhaps his actions were enough to kill it in me. I have to look at that. I go by facts. I take in information. I don't want to end things on anger or sadness...no drama. Just facts. The fact that he keeps saying he would get therapy for his issues and then doesn't really irks me. 

I do feel like we're falling back into familiar patterns. It's terrifying because I don't want to go through it again. At least before, I was in love. Happy. Ready to fight for anything! Now it's much more "eh" on my part.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I tell him I do not want sex because I am still getting through all the crap, he pouts and stomps off. He forgets the months leading up to his first time moving out when he denied me nightly and blamed it on "being too tired" and i was supposed to just accept that.

We did have an excellent vacation this summer. He and I had a lot of fun together and felt like a family again. But now I wonder when his "goodness" will start to fall...anyone can keep up an act for a few months.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

that_girl said:


> It doesn't feel like a wall. It feels like indifference and that's scarier.


The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference and yes it is scary.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Last year when I discovered all this online bullsh1t of his, I was ENRAGED. I wanted to rip his face off. I cried. I screamed. I lost my sh1t. He had just moved out so I threw my own tantrum.

Now, when thinking about that happening again, I don't get upset or anxious. When he is on his phone, I no longer care who he's talking to or what he's doing. I used to be so nervous because I just know he was chatting some chick up a few years back. She was "just a friend" of course 

So I don't know if it's all enough. If his "goodness" is enough. I have been burned many times by people who "change" for me. He said he didn't want to change because what if I decided I didn't want to be married again--- then his changes would have been for nothing  He doesn't get it. If he's being "good' just for ME, then it's still crap.

Nothing bad has happened in the last 3 months since I lost my sh1t on my birthday. I haven't cried. I haven't tried to patch things up. I've just let it go where it goes. I am so tired of runnin this relationship alone. I did all the heavy lifting for soooo long...I'm just done and I don't even care if he does it or not.

but I knew I owed this marriage another try. A real try. No drama, etc. Now, I'm not sure how I feel and I don't know how much time I need to figure it out.

I know feelings ebb and flow. I could just be ebbing and maybe things will get better in a year or so. But do I want to chance wasting more time on this?

I just feel spent  Spent and alone and always so damned tired.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

that_girl said:


> When I tell him I do not want sex because I am still getting through all the crap, he pouts and stomps off. He forgets the months leading up to his first time moving out when he denied me nightly and blamed it on "being too tired" and i was supposed to just accept that.
> 
> We did have an excellent vacation this summer. He and I had a lot of fun together and felt like a family again. But now I wonder when his "goodness" will start to fall...anyone can keep up an act for a few months.


One could surmise that after "getting it out of his system" and the illness, that perhaps maybe he snapped out of it...but it is pretty ridiculous of him to think that after so much marital destruction and no real reconciliation, that a marriage has the elasticity to snap back into place.

I wonder if your agreed "time-out" and dating season, to him, was the grand equalizer in the equation.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am not sure. He dated people too. So, I don't know.

I know that whenever I bring anything up that hurt me, he says "I didn't mean it". Like that is supposed to make it better.

I know that I don't trust his "goodness". I don't trust him, really. he says he loves me, I don't believe him. (so funny because I always wanted him to tell me he loves me, and he never did. Now he says it and in my head, I scoff "sure. Ok." ) . I don't trust his money situation...I just make sure i can take care of things if need be. (no joint account, thank GOD). I don't trust his love making....I feel more like a masturbation tool. I don't trust his desire to make things right all of a sudden. He effed it all up for 3.5 years of our 5 year marriage and now he wants it and wants to plan our future and I'm still here saying, "WHOOA!! Slow it down." 

I don't trust him and that fact alone should bother me but it doesn't.

THAT bothers me more than not trusting him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's like I'm waiting for this "thing" to just come back. Like maybe more time will help. He isn't one for therapy so I don't know about marriage counseling. I then wonder if it would be better just to end it now and now wait for "maybes". I worry about the kids but then realize now or later, the kids will hurt (my parents divorce was stupid and I hated my Jr. High life because of their bs).

Everyone says we have this ONE LIFE. Make it count. Right now it's like I'm just in limbo. Not in love, not really happy. Content. Comfortable. But is that enough? Should that be enough? God knows i meant my vows....or i'd been gone 3 years ago.

Two years ago, he said he never meant his vows. Now he says he didn't meant that.

I don't trust.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

What you are talking about is the most vulnerable part of you as a woman...The deep sexual thrill that a man gives you that allows the harlot in us women loose...IMO, it takes trust to find this place in ourselves...I know as I live there...I believe unless you are able to truly trust him as well as give him your heart and soul that your sexual organs will not permit this happening...For total enjoyment you must be able to let both your heart and body loose...When this happens you know heaven...When it doesn't the true joy of making love isn't there...This is just my thought on the subject....


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Tough, tough situation. I can relate. My wife went wild on me for a few years and although after some reconciliation we are moving ahead...trust is slowly being rebuilt after behavioral consistency. However, I know that if she went AWOL again...I will snap easily into IDGAF mode and pull the plug for good.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

TTAL, I was like that with him before all this bullcrap went down. He really doesn't know what he had. I am not that woman any more.

He wants me to just "get over it". Can't. My body doesn't respond nicely to his touches. What used to feel good now "hurts" (so weird) and is irritating like finger nails on the chalkboard.

And yea, he thinks the trust should be back because he's changed now. LOL I mean....wtf. His track record shows every 1.5 years, he's out the door because he's "not happy". then I endure 5-8 months of drama and him "finding himself" and me dealing with the kids' emotions and mine and then he just ends up back home.

The next time he's "not happy", I'm done. ANd sometimes I wish it would happen sooner than later. 

But I don't think trust can be built back in 3 months. No. It may be years ...I don't know. So now I wonder if it's worth it. More years of NOT being happy.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

TG, you said your husband knows you were with someone, but does he know who she was? If not, does he know you were with a woman? That could be why he's trying so hard and he may be desperate for validation because you were with a woman, rather than a man. And, when you say "no", and he pouts, it may be because of that. I'm not saying throwing a tantrum is right, but that may explain his behavior ... or not.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He knows who it was and who she was. He knows it wasn't about sex with her but emotional stuff mostly.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Hey all. Hi. Hi there.
> 
> He dated someone, and it's funny because *I didn't even care that he was.* I haven't talked to the person I dated in about 4 months. I wanted to really give this marriage a true shot. I have no idea if he talks to his. * I don't care either.* So weird.
> 
> ...





that_girl said:


> Yes. I couldn't quite word it but I think you did.
> *
> It doesn't feel like a wall. It feels like indifference and that's scarier. So perhaps his actions were enough to kill it in me. *
> I do feel like we're falling back into familiar patterns. It's terrifying because I don't want to go through it again. *At least before, I was in love. Happy. Ready to fight for anything! Now it's much more "eh" on my part*.





that_girl said:


> *Now, when thinking about that happening again, I don't get upset or anxious. When he is on his phone, I no longer care who he's talking to or what he's doing*.
> 
> *I'm just done and I don't even care if he does it or not.*
> 
> I just feel spent  Spent and alone and always so damned tired.


Hi TG. Sorry you're going through this. I don't usually weigh-in on these things, and you've gotten a lot of good advice already, but I just had to say that I think you're a very smart woman, and very much in touch with your feelings. I think you know the answer, but you're reluctant to admit it to yourself. I think he's killed the love you felt for him. Now it's "like he's just family". 

I don't think it's coming back. Just my two cents.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea.

I stay because of the kids. May sound stupid but I had a horrible time with my parents' divorce. But they fought and had so much drama.

I am not unhappy. I am just not feeling in love. So then I weigh what will cause the less pain for my kids.

I dunno. Maybe that's the wrong thing to do.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

I don't think it sounds stupid at all. It's a hard decision to make. You want to do the right thing for your kids, but you don't want to live a life without passion, a life where you're just 'content' and 'not unhappy'. I wish you well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks, OG.

And yea, a life without passion or dreams or dread that patterns will repeat. It's constant. 

I want to life with passion...in love and otherwise. I want to dream and not worry they won't come true or wonder if I should leave him OUT of the dreams. I want to make love to someone and really make love to them. I know I can't just lay here anymore feeling like a cheap wh0re. But he doesn't listen when I say no, he is coy and manages to get me to comply. I mean, I could wallop him in the head, but....sometimes I just don't care anymore.

AMG. I give other people the BEST advice and it HELPS THEM. Then my sh1t goes on and I can't even listen to myself.

My head says, "rip the bandaid off, kiddo. Do it. Let the pieces fall where they may. YOU didn't cause this fallout. He did." 

My heart says, "Everyone deserves another chance." But wtf I've given a ton of chances.

I guess I don't want to be just one more person in his life to let him go (he has horrible issues from childhood). But again, I've been BEGGING him to get therapy. he says he will to get on my good side--- but never pursues it.

Lies.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's interesting that he's moved home but I didn't let him bring anything but clothes and gave him two drawers (out of our two dressers) and the hall closet for his stuff.

 Guess I figure if he leaves again it will be easy for him to pack.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I kinda want him to be the one to end it. That way he can't go around playing the victim, "Oh my wife left me" and not tell the WHOLE story of his bullsh1t too.

I saw the IMs to friends about me when we separated. Just awful things. Mean things. Sure he was hurting he says, but HE IS THE ONE WHO LEFT! "She forced me to marry her" "I can't believe I'm married. I don't love her. Thought I could fake it for the kids."

Wtf. 

He even reached out to an ex talkin about how ruined he was after her and that I made him get me pregnant so he'd marry me  The eff? And she called me some names and he agreed. Playing the victim....sympathy grabber.

Can't unknow that crap. I didn't talk sh1t to my friends about him...just that he left. Again. And then I told the truth about his words. 

I dunno. I can't forget that stuff. It was bad. Painful. He ignores that it ever happened...."I didn't mean it" he says. Ok...but it was still done and said. Now he just showers me with all this attention and affection and it gets on my nerves. It feels empty.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

so true.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Change is scary by it's self but ending a relationship is even more scary. It feels like a death. So can the feeling of love come back? It does sometimes but it seems like there has to be reason to really want it back. I agree with others about us putting up walls. I mean it's hard to let your guard down for someone who's hurt you before. Good luck TG.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just now he came home saying how the motorcycle HE BOUGHT is too much of a payment and he's now saying it's MY FAULT he bought it because I "forced him" to sign the paperwork when he knew it was a bad loan.

W.
T.
F.

I said, "Would you OWN SOMETHING for once? I didn't make you sign that loan. YOU SIGNED IT. Sure, I was excited for you, but I didn't FORCE YOU to do anything. Own it. Godamit. Own something YOU DO."

Now he's saying that's not what he meant. OMG It's like the Twilight Zone. He says he knows he signed it. He's just frustrated.


So you blame me instead of owning it, but you don't mean it and I'm just supposed to be OK with it? 

Dude.

THIS is the sh1t I'm talking about.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just how when he left the 2nd time, I "FORCED HIM" to marry me.

I FORCED HIM to move home (lies, he got fired and I let him come back).

I FORCED HIM to stop seeing his friends. (LIES. His friend screwed him over and I questioned his friend's motives).

ANything bad in his life gets blamed on ME and I'm so godam sick of it.

Then when I now stand up for it, he says it's not what he meant.

OMG it's like living with my MOTHER (whom I still haven't talked to since last November. Good riddance to that narcissistic b1tch.)


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> ANything bad in his life gets blamed on ME and I'm so godam sick of it.
> 
> Then when I now stand up for it, he says it's not what he meant.
> 
> OMG it's like living with my MOTHER (whom I still haven't talked to since last November. Good riddance to that narcissistic b1tch.)


You can do something about it.

What you end up with is what you put up with.

You teach people how to treat you by what you accept, by what you stop and by what you reinforce.

It seems like you're in a holding pattern. It doesn't seem like a lot has changed.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference and yes it is scary.


My Mom told me this when I was 21 for some reason and I took it to heart. It is so damned true.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Threetimesalady said:


> What you are talking about is the most vulnerable part of you as a woman...The deep sexual thrill that a man gives you that allows the harlot in us women loose...IMO, it takes trust to find this place in ourselves...I know as I live there...I believe unless you are able to truly trust him as well as give him your heart and soul that your sexual organs will not permit this happening...For total enjoyment you must be able to let both your heart and body loose...When this happens you know heaven...When it doesn't the true joy of making love isn't there...This is just my thought on the subject....


I believe this is one of the most insightful things I have ever read on this site.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

TG,

When I first came to this site you were one of the handful that I paid attention to. I appreciated your insight and was impressed by the strides that you appeared to make in your relationship. I could tell that you really worked at making it a success.

When you announced that you were moving on I was shocked and honestly it took the wind out of my sails. You read so much here that is disheartening but maybe I had put you on a pedestal and that is not fair at all.

With that being said it appears as if you are right back where you were when you gave him the boot last time. Maybe you should go back and read some of those posts because it appears to me you are fairly close to the same state of mind.

By the way I completely relate to building a wall to keep a healthy distance from emotional intimacy. I do not believe my W is anymore emotionally honest with me than your husband is with you.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> You can do something about it.
> 
> What you end up with is what you put up with.
> 
> ...


Yes, all of this.

You write that you aren't ecstatic nor depressed, just content - then write things like this:



that_girl said:


> Just how when he left the 2nd time, I "FORCED HIM" to marry me.
> 
> I FORCED HIM to move home (lies, he got fired and I let him come back).
> 
> ...


When you start comparing your spouse to someone else you are glad is out of your life, that's far from "content."

What's really holding you back here? Inertia? Fear? I mean, you already moved past him once and from what you posted, sounded happier. You're disengaged and not interested in sex with him. You like hanging out with him but you can do that with a friend, not a husband. Math is not looking good here.

I love to see people work through their troubles and have healthy marriages, but not at the expense of their own self-respect. And it does take two working in the same direction to make it happen. You and he are out of phase on what you expect with this relationship and probably always will be. 

Question is, what are you going to do about it? He's not going to do anything, so .....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Right. He's not going to do anything about it. It's easy for him.

I am building up the courage to just be done. I know the feeling within myself. I have felt it before with others...I just wanted to feel it here so my decisions weren't based on anger or sadness.

RClawson, that sucks that I disappointed you so much. I had no idea. lol. I wasn't "moving on" so much as he had left a 2nd time. 

I tend to forget all he's done as well as he forgets what he's done and we just think it will get better. I feel like I don't have the RIGHT to say anything. How effed up is that?

But I'm working towards it. Soon. It was almost last night.

Thanks for the insight, guys. It helps. Makes me feel less crazy.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I kinda want him to be the one to end it. *That way he can't go around playing the victim*, "Oh my wife left me" and not tell the WHOLE story of his bullsh1t too.
> 
> I saw the IMs to friends about me when we separated. Just awful things. Mean things. Sure he was hurting he says, but HE IS THE ONE WHO LEFT! "She forced me to marry her" "I can't believe I'm married. I don't love her. Thought I could fake it for the kids."
> 
> ...


Regardless of who ends it, he will still do just this...play the victim.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I hate it when good women keep going back to D Bags.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Last year when I discovered all this online bullsh1t of his, I was ENRAGED. I wanted to rip his face off. I cried. I screamed. I lost my sh1t. He had just moved out so I threw my own tantrum.
> 
> Now, when thinking about that happening again, I don't get upset or anxious. When he is on his phone, I no longer care who he's talking to or what he's doing. I used to be so nervous because I just know he was chatting some chick up a few years back. She was "just a friend" of course
> 
> ...


You are done. And its ok. You can get out of the marriage knowing that you did try.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I laid it all out Friday. Told him that the fact he hasn't gotten therapy, KNOWING it's a deal breaker for me, means I'm done. That I can't open up again, don't know how. That he basically killed it all inside me and now his "being good" is just kinda annoying.

We're just being polite. I don't want polite, I want passion.

And he does.not.get.it.

He has said nothing since Friday...just been EXTRA nice.

Wtf  Is this thing on??

So...arg...this weekend, I just gotta tell him I'm out.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He has said nothing since Friday...just been EXTRA nice.
> 
> Wtf  Is this thing on??


He's an alcoholic who is pulling a dry drunk and doing what he does. Simple as that. He manipulates. It is what it is.

You are codependent.

Neither of you is working a program. This is the end result of that.

Own what you own. Do yourself a favor and face what is yours. You need to work a program.

And forget the baloney that Al-Anon is a "religious" or "spiritual" program. Heck, I've known hard-core Christians, atheists, and everything in between who have worked a good program.

Your life has become unmanageable. But you continue to try to manage it.

All I can tell you is, you need to get back on your side of the street and just quit trying to figure out the mind of an alcoholic. 

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome/result.

You have gotten your result. Seriously.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How has not drinking changed him? Is he becoming more empathetic?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Maybe he's trying. That doesn't mean he doing the right things to be your soul mate TG. It doesn't mean he's good for you or that you're good for him either. It just means that he's trying.

This limbo must be tiring and depressing. I think relationships take work but there is an expiration date when work is not enough without results.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think you are done with him, and rightly so. he doesn't show the level of committment or maturity that would create stable, satysfying relationship.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I've commented to you before that in general I don't give opinion as to whether one ought to stay in or leave a marriage as the dynamics and emotions when posting here can at times be too complicated and one-sided to make such a call.

However....... you know that you're a gorgeous woman who's creative, intelligent, sassy, and a caring mother to boot. It's time. Please don't live like this. If you need to, go back to counseling to understand why you're in this holding pattern (as I think Coffee termed it). It's painful to read of such a bright spark as yourself, losing self-respect, and staying in an unhealthy dynamic.

I truly wish you the best.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Maybe he's trying. That doesn't mean he doing the right things to be your soul mate TG. It doesn't mean he's good for you or that you're good for him either. It just means that he's trying.
> 
> This limbo must be tiring and depressing. I think relationships take work but there is an expiration date when work is not enough without results.


This is so, so, true. You get a trophy just for trying in rec. department soccer when you're 4. But simply trying isn't enough to sustain an adult relationship. And all too often "trying" is simply a code word for "b!tching and moaning about how hard I'm trying but not actually doing anything different". It's a con, a dismissal of your needs, a way to put you off instead of actually doing the work. Trust me, I stuck around for an extra 3 years with a guy who was always "trying so hard". And at the end of those three years, absolutely nothing about him had changed and nothing about our relationship was different. Except that I was exhausted beyond the depths of my soul. "Trying" simply isn't enough. Succeeding, changing, growing - those are what's needed. If you aren't seeing those things, then he's not really trying, he's just "trying". 

Yoda had it right - "Do or do not. There is no try."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

that_girl said:


> When I tell him I do not want sex because I am still getting through all the crap, he pouts and stomps off.


I dealt with that and gave in for years, decades. Until I finally just couldn't deal with it anymore. I finally told him the truth. You can, too. Keep telling him, don't give in just to avoid his anger. When he pouts just say 'see, this is why you're not getting any.'

IMO, you're in this place because while he's doing the surface things to reconcile (housework, time together), he isn't doing the REAL thing you need - therapy and to figure out how he hurts you. Until that happens, you won't feel safe, the wall will stay up.

btw, the wall DOES feel like indifference. BTDT.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't post as much anymore, but TG, I have to say your story frustrates me.

You've tried. You've really, really tried, more than the average person on here or anywhere else. It is so frustrating to read how you have the answer screaming at you, you know the answer, but as others have said are in this holding pattern. You have so much life and so much to offer and it's sad that it is being wasted. As for your children and your experience going through your parents' divorce...it doesn't have to be that way with your children. 

He has said nothing since Friday because he's heard these words before, and yes you have come close to ending things, but in the end you do take him back. So subconsciously probably thinks it will happen again.

Your girls and you deserve better. I hope you go for it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

TG, you're protecting yourself from further hurt. I always believe that when a woman is done she is done. You are numb to him but it's a natural defense mechanism for the pain he has caused you.

If you were truly done with him there is no way you would take him in even if her were ill. You would be indifferent to his financial situation as well. That's why I believe you aren't done...but you damn sure are close.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Super close. I know the feeling of done. I do. I have walked out of a home with my kid (older daughter was 2) and my clothes, her clothes and a table. lol. I was DONE. 

I am getting my **** in order at this point. Finances, etc. My school district is threatening to strike (awesome) so that sucks. I'll know soon. But emotionally, as a wife, I feel done. I am not his wife. At least I don't feel that way.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You don't feel you are his wife, his lover, or even his friend at this point.

So why do you keep getting back together? 

I mean, c'mon. If you're done, you're DONE.

But I don't think you are done. You don't work a program. You aren't posting on the sober recovery forum anymore.

It's your life. Your choices. But the reality of dealing with a drunk - dry or wet - is dealing with YOU. 

When I was done, I walked. I cut my losses. I cut contact. Done means that - really, really DONE.

Consider it. Whether you like the truth or not, there it is.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you come back to this thread, Girl, I want to apologize for my hard-a$$ response to you. Yeah, you are done ... but you need to be done-done.

I spent at least three years getting my ducks in a row before I left my husband. Guess what? My ducks were never in the row I desired.

All I could do in the end was assess the damage, cut my losses, and trust that my Higher Power would hold me up on the days I felt I couldn't even drag myself through the motions of living.

You can do this. Salvage what you can. Don't expect things to be as neat and clean as you wish when you finally walk out for good.

Life is messy. Break-ups are messy. Just consider getting, and keeping, your side of the street clean. The best way to clean it up is through therapy and a program.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Thank you for the reply 

Yes. I am just saving up a few more ducks. lol I manage to save about 200 a month and if we strike, I won't be paid so I just don't want to struggle with money. I have some savings (in my own account) and plus that I have a mortgage payment squirreled away. I know he'll pay child support, but I want to be secure in my own stuff.

He simply doesn't get it. He has been trying to seduce me for a few days now...with words and ridiculous 'Look at me, I'm trying!" shenanigans....but....yea, no. Any time i bring up reality, he either shuts up or goes to bed. Nice.

I'm almost done-done, as you said. I feel it. I wasn't done a year ago, even though I should have been...but...that wasn't the case so now I'm here and it's better this time because it's without too much sadness or fear...I've been working through things for a while now so it doesn't seem sudden.

I know my girls will be ok. I know I will be ok. I just want to skip to the part where he's moved out and divorce is almost done. lol. Can't do that, I know.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And I wish I could cut contact. Still have to see him for the kids, especially the little one. I know how to do that amicably, I did it for years with my ex and our kiddo.

He's not a bad person. Honestly, he's a great friend. But he's not a husband and he's not wanting to be my mate....my partner. That's ok. I just need more. 

But he'll have to be the one to move. I will have the kids and the dogs (we have 3) and I'm not moving. His **** is easy. Clothes. that's all I let him bring home the last time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

NOW i am done. Went through his phone. Got what I needed.

Holy sh1t. Things are about to get real.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sadly, he's doing what alcoholics do: lie/manipulate. My guess is he came back and wanted to stay because it made him feel "normal." After all, he has a wife and kids. That's normal, right?

And as far as him going through the motions but avoiding the real emotionally-laden issues? Typical alkie avoidance. 

I assume you found text messages on his phone that indicate another woman is in the picture.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> NOW i am done. Went through his phone. Got what I needed.
> 
> Holy sh1t. Things are about to get real.


I'm sorry.

But I'm not surprised either.

What was on the phone?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

that_girl said:


> NOW i am done. Went through his phone. Got what I needed.
> 
> Holy sh1t. Things are about to get real.


Are you 'efn serious???? AGAIN!

I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

that_girl said:


> NOW i am done. Went through his phone. Got what I needed.
> 
> Holy sh1t. Things are about to get real.


Good luck. Stay strong.

maybe just file for divorce and not say anything don't even confront he's just a lying sob.

he doesn't deserve a confrontation. Just have him served and act totally indifferent as if he don't exist to you except for parenting decisions.

sorry your going through this. good luck.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

that_girl said:


> NOW i am done. Went through his phone. Got what I needed.
> 
> Holy sh1t. Things are about to get real.


Life is football and football is life. That being said...

How many times can you turn the ball over and still keep your job?

You cut him in the past then brought him back, only for him to keep turning it over which led you to cut him last season. You brought him back this season to compete only for him to cough up the ball again?

If you're saying what I think you're saying do your team a favour by cutting him. So many more reliable players that would LOVE to play for you, probably at vet minimum too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

girl, so you know, many divorced couples use an online calendar to negotiate stuff for their kids so that they never have to deal with the ex-spouse. It's all discussed online and in emails.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

tg, I've read your entire thread. So sorry that you're STILL going through this.

You know that when women, in general, are done, we are DONE!

That said, in regards to your last post, I hope you'll give us an update.


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## TheQueen (Dec 7, 2012)

So sorry that you're going through this. stay strong!


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