# The Right to Know



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

While posting something on my own thread, I posted my feelings on telling the OM's wife what I knew. I thought this may turn into an interesting discussion that may help others. So in my situation, yes I know the OM is married, I know his wife's email, Facebook, Twitter, where she works, her work email, what she drives, and a whole lot more, including that by so bizarre coincidence the OM's wife is also the sister of an old friend from high school who I still chat with from time to time on social media. No I'm not a complete stalker by having all this information on the OM's wife, I just have some very good connections in law enforcement which makes it easy to find out pretty much anything I need to know about people.

So now on to the topic of informing the spouse of the affair partner. Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Can it help the situation or will it only make thing worse for yourself and your situation?

My feelings on it are quite simple and yes more directed towards my situation. For me the way things are in my situation I don’t think it’s a good idea to inform the spouse of what I know. The only evidence I have of anything is a screenshot of a suggestive text sent to my wife by the other man. I also have my own text thread with him where he admits there were other flirty texts between them but nothing like the one I saw. The other evidence I have is really just a lot of strange and bizarre behavior on my wife’s part since I confronted her about it. Yes I’ve caught her in lies but they were lies that didn’t amount to anything as far as what happened. I have no proof of and honestly don’t think there ever was a physical affair, so why confront the OM’s wife about it?

My first reason not to tell her is that being there is no real evidence other than an inappropriate text, if I told the OM’s wife about it I know for certain that my wife would find out that I told her. Personally I do want to try and work things out with my wife, and by her finding out that I told his wife about what’s been going on, it would only make her more upset and withdraw further from me. Once again it would be turned into me creating a scenario “that only exists in my mind”. It would be completely counter productive in any type of reconciliation and would only make matters worse.

My second reason, and it’s not really something I’m concerned with but goes along with a thread I read a week or so ago. As much information as we may find out about our spouses affair partner, we still don’t really know them. We don’t know the type of person they are and what they may be capable of. Say you tell the affair partners spouse what you know and the affair partners snaps, hurts their spouse or maybe worse. Maybe the affair partner gets thrown out of their house, goes and gets drunk and comes looking for you? You don’t know this person or what they’re capable of so you need to be very careful how you handle something like telling their spouse. It could cause more harm than good in a very bad way.

My third reason is really pretty simple. In my case although I haven’t found any evidence that things are any more then texting, I know she doesn’t see him because of her schedule, when she gets home and that any time she’s gone out without me where she’s been and who she’s been with have always been verified in some way other than her telling me, but yes there’s always that “what if?” So let’s say I tell the OM’s wife about what’s been going on, they fight and she throws him out of the house. Now he has no one to hide anything from and no one watching what he’s doing and no one to answer to. I’ve basically just opened the door for them to not only continue what they’ve been doing but to possibly now take it to a physical level. By telling the OM’s wife I’ve just possibly made my life and stress 10 times worse, and what’s good about that?

So yes there can be could points to telling the affair partners spouse about an affair and opening up that can of worms, but it can also be a bad thing as well.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your reasoning comes across as timid in the extreme and also as rug sweeping
1.You are trying to pacify your wife for something she did.You know she sent inappropriate texts so why should you feel guilty about hurting her feelings.
2. Are you afraid of the other guy.There is no shame in that but you can't have a marriage with this mindset.A guy hits on your wife in front of you and you do nothing because you are afraid how he might react.Your wife will lose all respect for you and she would be right.
3.You have no idea whether they ever met or not so stop with the bs.If you can't be honest with yourself then how do you expect your wife to be.You are saying if she has the opportunity she will cheat so what does that say about her and the state of your marriage.
You seem prepared to roll over and let your wife and her affair partner walk over you rather than act like a man and sort your marriage out one way or another.
You need to grow a set of balls fairly quickly.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> The only evidence I have of anything is a screenshot of a suggestive text sent to my wife by the other man.
> My first reason not to tell her is that being there is no real evidence other than an inappropriate text, if I told the OM’s wife about it I know for certain that my wife would find out that I told her.


Let's say just for sake of argument that this is not a physical affair. Your exposing need not be presented as evidence of such, but rather just evidence of horrible behavior. 

The wife has every right to be aware of this as well. First, because its just right that she know that her husband is doing _something _outside the marriage (even if it's not physical) and second, because these things more often than not proceed to physical affairs especially if allowed to remain secret. 




AtMyEnd said:


> Personally I do want to try and work things out with my wife, and by her finding out that I told his wife about what’s been going on, it would only make her more upset and withdraw further from me. Once again it would be turned into me creating a scenario “that only exists in my mind”. It would be completely counter productive in any type of reconciliation and would only make matters worse.
> 
> Now he has no one to hide anything from and no one watching what he’s doing and no one to answer to. I’ve basically just opened the door for them to not only continue what they’ve been doing but to possibly now take it to a physical level. By telling the OM’s wife I’ve just possibly made my life and stress 10 times worse, and what’s good about that?


Affairs thrive in secrecy. If you really want an honest reconciliation with your wife, it must be based on complete transparency. Allowing anything to remain underground will either, as noted above, result in exactly the physical affair you wish to avoid (assuming it's not already taking place) or be a false reconciliation that accomplishes nothing in the long run. You want stress? Let this thing fester under the surface rather than facing it head on. 

You appear to be rationalizing to justify your avoidance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK..

As written by you, I concur.

But I am always subject to changing my mind as new things develop.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Your reasoning comes across as timid in the extreme and also as rug sweeping
> 1.You are trying to pacify your wife for something she did.You know she sent inappropriate texts so why should you feel guilty about hurting her feelings.
> 2. Are you afraid of the other guy.There is no shame in that but you can't have a marriage with this mindset.A guy hits on your wife in front of you and you do nothing because you are afraid how he might react.Your wife will lose all respect for you and she would be right.
> 3.You have no idea whether they ever met or not so stop with the bs.If you can't be honest with yourself then how do you expect your wife to be.You are saying if she has the opportunity she will cheat so what does that say about her and the state of your marriage.
> You need to grow a set of balls fairly quickly.


1- It has nothing to do with hurting her feelings or not. The texts have been talked about and she knows where I stand and how things need to proceed. She knows that it's up to her to start making an effort and if I don't see it or it's not enough that I'm leaving.

2- I think you should read what I wrote again. This has nothing to do with my situation and is more a general precaution. In my case I know the guy and I've spoken to him about all this. He also knows me and knows what I do. As far as your analogy of a guy hitting on your wife in front of you and you doing nothing about it, well there's also a very fine line of a man showing jealousy over any little thing another man says. No woman wants to be with a man that's going to jump down someone's throat any time they don't like what was said or how something was said to their wife. Just like no woman wants to be with a man who does nothing to protect their woman.

3- Again I think you need to go back and read this one again. I never said that I thought given the opportunity that she would go out and cheat. What I said was that if she was having an EA with another man, that telling the OM's wife about it could put things in motion that could create a full blown affair.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You appear to be rationalizing to justify your avoidance.


Ok, I've not rationalizing any avoidance. In my situation, my wife has been confronted about everything. She has been told what needs to happen and what I need to she and hear from her along with how she doesn't have unlimited time to do so. Nothing in my case has or is being avoided. Besides the fact that this thread is not intended to talk about my issues, but to get others opinion on the topic of do you think it's a good idea to tell the other spouse and why.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> OK..
> 
> As written by you, I concur.
> 
> But I am always subject to changing my mind as new things develop.


See this is what I was looking for. This thread is not intended to talk about my situation, but everyone else situation and their opinion on if they feel they should tell the affair partners spouse and why. For all intents and purposes, my situation may be a mess but I do have it and myself under control


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> Besides the fact that this thread is not intended to talk about my issues, but to get others opinion on the topic of do you think it's a good idea to tell the other spouse and why.


And that was the primary focus of my post--that I thought the other spouse should be told--and why. 

Now, if we want to move beyond your situation and generalize, then the same rationale goes double. If it's right to tell if/before a physical affair, it's certainly necessary to do so when one is confirmed (as is the more common case on these boards).


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It's absolutely mandatory to tell the Other Man's spouse. Because you don't want to be a groveling coward.

Edit: You did ask for opinions. Don't grouse about my opinion. I am getting so tired of guys asking for opinions, then getting hurt because my opinion is they need to stand up and stop groveling.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

AtMyEnd said:


> While posting something on my own thread, I posted my feelings on telling the OM's wife what I knew. I thought this may turn into an interesting discussion that may help others. So in my situation, yes I know the OM is married, I know his wife's email, Facebook, Twitter, where she works, her work email, what she drives, and a whole lot more, including that by so bizarre coincidence the OM's wife is also the sister of an old friend from high school who I still chat with from time to time on social media. No I'm not a complete stalker by having all this information on the OM's wife,* I just have some very good connections in law enforcement which makes it easy to find out pretty much anything I need to know about people.*
> 
> So now on to the topic of informing the spouse of the affair partner. Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Can it help the situation or will it only make thing worse for yourself and your situation?
> 
> ...


*All very good rationale for staying quiet about the affair to the OM and his family! I simply cannot argue with your somewhat sound rationale!

But what I can argue with is who you elicit private information about the public from! If you've never heard of public disclosure laws, then you might give it a listen. If a public, civil servant, or a uniformed or plain clothes law enforcement employee is offering this information to you, except in the official performance of their duties and investigatory efforts and you are involved, and deemed to have a right to know, then both the giver and the receiver of that information are hereby deemed to have violated the law, albeit at a federal, state, county, or local level. 

If the unauthorized disclosure is by an employee, then they can well lose their livelihood over it in addition to being tried and imprisoned or severely fined for having violated those disclosure laws!

The same goes for the receiver of that information all except for the loss of their livelihood! But if such information is offered up as evidence in any legal hearing, it is to be immediately ignored and expunged by the court as a legal product of "ill-gotten gains!"

Do give credence about being on either the giving or receiving end of such hallowed information!*


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> It's absolutely mandatory to tell the Other Man's spouse. Because you don't want to be a groveling coward.
> 
> Edit: You did ask for opinions. Don't grouse about my opinion. I am getting so tired of guys asking for opinions, then getting hurt because my opinion is they need to stand up and stop groveling.


I respect your opinion and that's the point of this thread. The only question I would ask is why would you think it makes someone a "groveling coward" if they didn't tell the other spouse?


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *All very good rationale for staying quiet about the affair to the OM and his family! I simply cannot argue with your somewhat sound rationale!
> 
> But what I can argue with is who you elicit private information about the public from! If you've never heard of public disclosure laws, then you might give it a listen. If a public, civil servant, or a uniformed or plain clothes law enforcement employee is offering this information to you, except in the official performance of their duties and investigatory efforts and you are involved, and deemed to have a right to know, then both the giver and the receiver of that information are hereby deemed to have violated the law, albeit at a federal, state, county, or local level.
> 
> ...


I can appreciate your argument about the legality of how certain information is attained. But at the same time, when you're looking for information sometimes you need to tap every possible avenue to get it. Whether or not the source of the information is willing to participate is a whole other question, but if the resource exists and you need answers, it's worth asking the question


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

AtMyEnd said:


> I can appreciate your argument about the legality of how certain information is attained. But at the same time, when you're looking for information sometimes you need to tap every possible avenue to get it. Whether or not the source of the information is willing to participate is a whole other question, but if the resource exists and you need answers, it's worth asking the question.


*That is largely true!

But anyone who chooses to do so had best be prepared to face the wrath of an overzealous and underworked prosecutor and presiding judge, who would have little problem in using those disclosure laws against a violator, basically to make a broad, public statement that they are, indeed, being protected by them! 

That's all I'm saying!*


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> It's absolutely mandatory to tell the Other Man's spouse. Because you don't want to be a groveling coward.
> 
> Edit: You did ask for opinions. Don't grouse about my opinion. I am getting so tired of guys asking for opinions, then getting hurt because my opinion is they need to stand up and stop groveling.


I *completely agree* with this.

OP, whether you want to discuss your particular situation or not, you put it out there. I agree with William that all the fluffy excuses you used to avoid telling this married creep's wife about his inappropriate behavior with your wife are JUST that - fluffy excuses.

It's obviously clear that your biggest reason for not telling his wife is to appease YOUR wife. You even said it would be 'counter productive to reconciliation' because your wife would be angry if you told this guy's wife. That means you're MORE concerned with kissing your wife's ass than you are in doing the right thing and telling this guy's wife.

And that's what makes you a coward.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Affairs thrive in secrecy.

The OM thinks he is getting away with it.

when exposed he will run, and throw her under the bus.

He does not really want to leave his wife.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I *completely agree* with this.
> 
> OP, whether you want to discuss your particular situation or not, you put it out there. I agree with William that all the fluffy excuses you used to avoid telling this married creep's wife about his inappropriate behavior with your wife are JUST that - fluffy excuses.
> 
> ...




Exactly. The truth is important. My wife does a poor job of delivering the truth. So I do an even more diligent job of discovering it. It works for us in the control of her illness.

Shying away from the truth because it will upset your wife, or the wife of the Other Man, or anyone else, is being afraid of consequences. That's cowardice. Tell the truth, then deal with the consequences.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It always amazes me when people think they can talk there way to solutions. While talk lays the ground work, without action following up the words, NOTHING HAPPENS.

@AtMyEnd, you have been talking for just over three months, with the exact same problem, yet you have changed exactly nothing. 

You have caught your wife concealing communication with another man (the second I might add), yet you have changed exactly nothing. 

After she agreed to cease contact, you have caught her communicating with OM#2 with his name built as a business in her phone, yet you have changed exactly nothing.

You have made implied and specified threats of divorcing over this, and have changed exactly nothing. 

If you change nothing, nothing changes. You have been all talk and no action. 

Talk less; do more.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

AtMyEnd said:


> 1- It has nothing to do with hurting her feelings or not. The texts have been talked about and she knows where I stand and how things need to proceed. She knows that it's up to her to start making an effort and if I don't see it or it's not enough that I'm leaving.
> 
> 2- I think you should read what I wrote again. This has nothing to do with my situation and is more a general precaution. In my case I know the guy and I've spoken to him about all this. He also knows me and knows what I do. As far as your analogy of a guy hitting on your wife in front of you and you doing nothing about it, well there's also a very fine line of a man showing jealousy over any little thing another man says. No woman wants to be with a man that's going to jump down someone's throat any time they don't like what was said or how something was said to their wife. Just like no woman wants to be with a man who does nothing to protect their woman.
> 
> 3- Again I think you need to go back and read this one again. I never said that I thought given the opportunity that she would go out and cheat. What I said was that if she was having an EA with another man, that telling the OM's wife about it could put things in motion that could create a full blown affair.


...and there it is.... the defensive protection of your spouse. No, he doesn't have to read your OP again. You said it came from your thread, you gave an example which concerns you and this means people can use YOU in their critiques or when they create scenarios.

You are in full "defense of my actions and my wife" mode so, like hundreds before you, you are now going to snap at people who give examples or advice you do not like. Just so you know, I am "one man" who will not protect my wife when she puts herself in certain crappy situation. Yep. we had this conversation before we were married.

So, "no" is not true.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> Exactly. The truth is important. My wife does a poor job of delivering the truth. So I do an even more diligent job of discovering it. It works for us in the control of her illness.
> 
> Shying away from the truth because it will upset your wife, or the wife of the Other Man, or anyone else, is being afraid of consequences. That's cowardice. Tell the truth, then deal with the consequences.


He draws a line in the sand.She walks over it and spits on it for good measure.
His answer.Draw another line.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, my wife is still paying, dearly, for her mistake in 1978. But she's a special snowflake.

One thing I am certain of is that evil thrives when people refuse to say what they know.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Yes, the OM's wife has a right to know.

And, exposure will help you bring the affair out in the open, which will speed up its demise, since affairs thrive on secrecy, or force them to carry on without their spouses. If it was going to come to that, better to know now instead of after years of "false recovery."


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

AtMyEnd,

I'm completely in favor of exposing completely to the OMW. For a number of reason.

As another poster pointed out the likely outcome is that OM is going to swear fidelity to his W and put the blame on your WW. Your WW will feel betrayed and will become depressed over her lost love but it will kill the affair dead. The OMW may confide in you that OM is a serial cheater and she is glad someone stepped up.

Even if it forced your WW and OM together it would be better than living years or decades with a wife who's heart belongs to another, or who nurses secret contempt for you because she compares you with the OM and finds you wanting.

IF they do get together what happens often is that their fantasy relationship becomes real with the same conflicts and pain of day to day life. Pile on top of that the guilt your WW will feel about destroying two families and it's likely she will try to reconcile with you.

If you saw someone being cheated out of $1000 by a con man would you say something, how much more does a cheater who takes their spouses/childrens life and happiness steal.

Tamat


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your wife is sending and receiving hundreds of personal texts from another man who is married. These are not texts required for her work. This is an improper relationship between he and your wife.

If you've asked her to stop and she hasn't, you have a choice to make. You can accept that she will continue to have this improper relationship and just shut up and be happy about it. Or, you can determine you will not remain in a marriage with a wife who has an improper relationship with another man.

If you choose the latter, you can take one of two paths. One path is to plead with your wife to stop. This is the path you've chosen. You ask her to decide if she wants to remain married to you, and to let you know a few weeks from now what her choice is. Meanwhile, she continues to choose to have this improper relationship and has even tried to hide it from you (taken it underground).

The second path is to nuke the improper relationship. Make it as difficult as possible for both of them to engage in it. The way to do this is exposure. Getting the OM's W involved is the most effective way to get him to stop. Exposing to parents, siblings, church officials, boss at work, etc are also potential ways to pressure the cheaters to stop by making it unpleasant for them.

The outcome is unknown with either choice. But the chance of successfully breaking the affair is vastly higher using exposure.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Looking at it another way, if my wife had not told me about her affair, and the Other Man's wife did know about it and chose not to tell me, I would consider her to be as guilty as her husband. 

You are culpable, and as disgraceful as your wife, if you do not immediately disclose everything you know to the wife of the Other Man. You are guilty. You, by keeping your secrets, are the enemy of the Other Man's wife.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Posted by atmyend 
My first reason not to tell her is that being there is no real evidence other than an inappropriate text, if I told the OM’s wife about it I know for certain that my wife would find out that I told her. Personally I do want to try and work things out with my wife, and by her finding out that I told his wife about what’s been going on, it would only make her more upset and withdraw further from me. Once again it would be turned into me creating a scenario “that only exists in my mind”. It would be completely counter productive in any type of reconciliation and would only make matters worse.




This is from your original post, and in my opinion the exact reason why the other spouse needs to know. Your wife is admitting she did wrong, so that eliminates the "that exists only in my mind" statement. Next this is nothing but protecting the OM by YOUR wife. This is exactly why you tell, if your wife did wrong then OM did wrong too. Which leads to, are you happy you caught your wife now? If yes, then why shouldn't the other betrayed spouse know? If no, then why be married? 

Your wife has you blinded by gas lighting. She did wrong as did OM, if your wife gets mad then gently take her hand and lead her to your front door, open it, step through the threshold, then let go of her hand and walk back inside. Close door and then lock it for good measure, this will most certainly give your wife a clue that OM is not allowed in your marriage. Just in case your wife doesn't get the hint, open the window a few inches and call the other betrayed spouse. Sit near the open window and talk loudly enough for your wife to hear you. Then tell OM's wife what has been happening, and if your wife gets mad, you know who your wife's priority is with.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, if you were like me you would make your wife call the betrayed wife and confess everything while you listen, glowering angrily ready to throw your wife out at one hesitation.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

By the way, I should add a disclaimer that I was viciously cruel to my wife. For 18 months. I did a lot of things I was later very sorry about. 

But total disclosure was not one of the things I was ever sorry about.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Not telling the OBS is a self centered, cowardly act it also makes you complicit in the affair by hiding facts from someone who should have the opportunity to know them. That makes you(or anyone) as bad as your WW and the OM.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

In my case I did expose the affiair to the OM wife. I did so only to inform her and never followed up to see what she did about it. If from what I was told is true he has cheated on her multiple times so she couldn't have been surprised. I never put much time or energy in the OM. My one heartburn with him was that he was screwing my x in our marital bed. He is alive today only because I didn't catch him in that act. Other than that I don't care about him and he has never occupied my thoughts. I have never understood the rationale some have about hating the OM or OW. Those people didn't take vows with you. Your spouse did. All my blame for my wrecked marriage is solely where it belongs....with my x wife.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

I was in the corresponding position recently - in that I was the OM's wife. I'm going to tell my story in some detail because I think it might help you to think about things a little differently. (I apologise for the length of my post on your thread.) 

By the time my husband's AP's husband (call him X) actually spoke to me in June 2016, the affair was over. X had had suspicions for some time about his wife's friendship with my husband, but had been unable to confirm anything. I had my own discomfort about their friendship, but felt guilty about thinking that my husband would be capable of anything inappropriate. 

My husband and X's wife were running partners. I was becoming insecure about the time they spent together (and my subconscious self was clearly shrieking loudly in my ears). In early April 2016, I asked my husband to stop running alone with her because of how it was making me feel - I even apologised for the fact that my insecurities would be having an impact on his life. Later I was to find out that after this request he started meeting her in secret almost daily. All it really did was drive him further towards her. If things had happened differently, then I think that their relationship would have become sexual within weeks. 

X's wife had password-protected her phone. A week after my conversation with my husband, X was finally able to crack her password and found a single, inappropriate dialogue between them. (My husband: "I'm sitting on a plane listening to [insert music name her] - thinking about you. Wishing you were here." Her answer: "I miss you so much. It was hard to let you go." X confronted her and basically badgered her for an entire night. All she would admit to was some exchange of inappropriate sentiment. He threatened to tell me and she backed down and agreed to tell my husband that they couldn't see each other anymore. She did so in person and my husband agreed. My husband told me about how X was incredibly jealous and (cosily) implied unfounded suspicions based on one innocent text. And that, in light of this, he and X's wife wouldn't be seeing each other anymore. I commiserated - jealousy was a terrible thing. I heaved a sigh of relief and life (as I thought I knew it) went on.

For the next two months, X badgered his wife and spied on her as much as he was able. But by then, there wasn't really anything to find. Eventually, after extended confrontations, she broke down and told him that she and my husband had shared one kiss during the last race they did together and confessed to sharing "deep feelings" for one another. (I think she did this just to shut him up - hoping that he'd stop interrogating her.) She said that nothing further had come of it and they hadn't seen one another since April 2016. X then called me and told me what he knew. I started to protest that I trusted my husband and then, all at once, I knew. And then I confronted my husband. I'd like to say that I was devastated, but actually I was still in shock and frankly just relieved that it was over. It took several weeks for my rage to find its way out.

During that time, my husband and I grew closer and he finally admitted to me that the relationship had been far more. For approximately 11 weeks, they had met in secret (usually in relatively public places), kissed frequently and talked often. They had exchanged frequent flirtatious Whatsapp messages (usually instantly deleted) and openly discussed their marital problems. They had never intended to hurt anyone, or end their marriages ... it got away with them blahblahblah.

Then I finally got angry. I started posting on TAM (which was very helpful in getting me to a place of action), found a way to track my husband using his Google location history and making a timeline of the affair. I also reached out to X. It quickly became clear that my husband had been far more open with me (at that point) than X's wife had been with him. I think she was still sticking to her "kissed once" story. The evidence that I found largely corroborated what my husband had told me. But there was also space for doubts that he had told me the truth. After that, my husband took a polygraph to prove to me that his statements about not having sex (or anything beyond kissing her) and their affair ending in April 2016 were true. My husband and I are currently in R. As far as I am aware, X and his wife are currently separated and intending to divorce. 

A few things here

1. It's easy to forget that often, on the other side of the affair, is another marriage. And just like your own, there are probably doubts and concerns already. When I met with X and meshed his story with mine, then things became much clearer to me. How the affair began. How it progressed. Why circumstances allowed it to happen. What stopped it and why. Where it could have ended and why. And how it might never have happened in the first place. A lot of that could have been extremely useful earlier. And had it come later, it may have come too late. 

2. Both X and I had been uncomfortable with the friendship between our respective spouses for some time. Neither of us really had any evidence, aside from gut instinct. That discomfort had started for both of us before the affair properly began. If we had spoken earlier to one another, could we possibly have prevented things? I know that if I ever have to advise someone in the same situation, I'd say that they should talk to the OM/W's spouse if they can. You don't have to make (unfounded) accusations, just share discomfort. Ask the question "Are you happy with this friendship? Because I have to be honest, I don't like it." That may very well be enough to prevent things from going further. The fact that both of you may be uncomfortable substantiates that discomfort in and of itself. Actually, the mere fact that one of you feels uncomfortable is enough. Reverse the situation and ask yourself what you would do if a woman came and told you that she was uncomfortable about the friendship between her husband and your wife? You may not believe her entirely, but you would definitely start watching your wife more closely and probably make other changes to how your marriage functions as well.

3. I am under no illusions that part of the reason that X shared what he did to hurt my husband. Why should my husband have a "happy" marriage when he and his wife were struggling? But I am incredibly grateful that he did reach out to me. My marriage is currently far stronger than it was because I now know the truth. I'd like to believe that my husband would have eventually told me the truth, but I doubt it. Especially as we were then. The thought that, if I didn't know, my family and I would still be so vulnerable still haunts me.

4. As to a moral reason - the right of the other party to know? If I was a completely outside party, then things become harder. Consequences and motives become complex. Knowing the truth vs just gossip could be important. But as one of the involuntary partners involved. Yes. Even if we don't know the full truth, even if we only have doubts and/or concerns. Just, yes.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Wait you said that she knows your conditions and that if they're not met that you'll leave.

Presuming one of the conditions is No Contact then how is she going to learn of you exposing to the spouse?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> Ok, I've not rationalizing any avoidance. In my situation, my wife has been confronted about everything. She has been told what needs to happen and what I need to she and hear from her along with how she doesn't have unlimited time to do so. Nothing in my case has or is being avoided. Besides the fact that this thread is not intended to talk about my issues, but to get others opinion on the topic of do you think it's a good idea to tell the other spouse and why.


Meaningless ultimations.She is walking over you and you and your pontificating is not going to change anything.She is doing what she wants because you don't have the testicular fortitude to do anything about it other that spout cliche after cliche.The om admitted to you he had been "flirting"(Yeah....) with your wife but because you have no physical proof you refuse to act.
If you catch her in the act will you at least write a strongly worded letter to him.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

eric1 said:


> Wait you said that she knows your conditions and that if they're not met that you'll leave.
> 
> Presuming one of the conditions is No Contact then how is she going to learn of you exposing to the spouse?


That's like a double edged sword in a sense. No she's not allowed to contact him and knows that's a deal breaker, but at the same time who's to stop him from contacting her and telling her? So on one hand you have him making contact not her and on the other if she confronts about telling the wife then you know she has been in contact with him.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Mizzbak said:


> I was in the corresponding position recently - in that I was the OM's wife. I'm going to tell my story in some detail because I think it might help you to think about things a little differently. (I apologise for the length of my post on your thread.)
> 
> By the time my husband's AP's husband (call him X) actually spoke to me in June 2016, the affair was over. X had had suspicions for some time about his wife's friendship with my husband, but had been unable to confirm anything. I had my own discomfort about their friendship, but felt guilty about thinking that my husband would be capable of anything inappropriate.
> 
> ...


I will admit that I should've contacted the spouse when I found the text back in February. At the time I was in shock and really didn't know how to handle it. I also didn't have all the information that I have now, at the time I didn't even know the OM's last name. So now it's been 3 months and as much as I do still believe that they have been in contact, I don't know that for sure as I haven't found anything on her phone to show that. Like you I have also brought up the incident from time to time since it happened and badgered her about it trying to see if her reaction and what she has to say about it is any different, and it hasn't been. So could it be like she told me, and I saw her tell multiple others friends of hers, was it just an unsolicited text from him? Right now my plan still stands, one way or another there will be a conversation by the end of the month, if I get the same old song and dance from her I am contacting the OM's wife about all of this and I am starting everything for divorce.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> That's like a double edged sword in a sense. No she's not allowed to contact him and knows that's a deal breaker, but at the same time who's to stop him from contacting her and telling her? So on one hand you have him making contact not her and on the other if she confronts about telling the wife then you know she has been in contact with him.


So what?

Do any of those possible outcomes frighten you? Or even worry you in the slightest? They should not. 

Dear God. Use that double edged sword to hew down your enemies. Figuratively, only, of course. Stop being afraid. 

They should be cowering in fear before you. In your case perhaps not literally. But it is obvious you let your wife believe she has done nothing wrong. She does not feel sorry. She should feel shame and sorrow, and be apologizing to you, over and over and over. She should be finding ways to try to make things right. 

Your wife should, for the sake of being allowed to remain married to you, offer to crawl before the other wife and confess her sins.

Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but it should be like that. There is no way you should be worried about anything, except how to punish further deceit.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Meaningless ultimations.She is walking over you and you and your pontificating is not going to change anything.She is doing what she wants because you don't have the testicular fortitude to do anything about it other that spout cliche after cliche.The om admitted to you he had been "flirting"(Yeah....) with your wife but because you have no physical proof you refuse to act.
> If you catch her in the act will you at least write a strongly worded letter to him.


How exactly is she walking all over me? The way things are right now is I live my life and she lives hers. As far as I'm concerned and the way I treat and act towards her, we're not married. We live together and have a son together, that's it. I'm not begging or pleading for her at all, I barely talk to her. Would I like to work things out with her, yes. We've spent 15 years together and built a great life and family together. Do I need to work things out with her, NO. There was a quote I read somewhere that said something like "If a light bulb in your house burns out do you run out and find a new house? No, you fix the light bulb" I'm in no rush to run out and get into another relationship, if I did that it probably wouldn't last anyway because of how jaded I have over what's been going on. So I see no reason not to keep going the way I have been and see what happens. Sure I come on here and vent about what's been going on in my marriage, but I'm not crying over it, in fact most times I'm laughing about it as I type it. Do I get into bad moods about it every now and then, sure, but for the most part none of this bothers me anymore. I live my life doing what I want to do and spending as much time as I can having fun with my son. Every night he falls asleep cuddling with me, with his head on my chest. I don't need her in my life anymore, if she decides she wants to be in my life that's great but I don't need it. What I do need and do want is my son in my life, and right now if that means not paying attention to my miserable undecided wife so I can just live a somewhat normal life with my son and my dogs in the house that I've broken my butt for then so be it.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> So what?
> 
> Do any of those possible outcomes frighten you? Or even worry you in the slightest? They should not.
> 
> ...


No none of the outcomes frighten me or worry me, what's the worst case I get divorced? Who cares at this point? She knows she's done wrong, she knows I blame her for all the problems and drama over the past year, that's no secret. Like I said to Andy, I come here to vent like most others. I'm living my life the way I want to live it, if she wants to be included and part of it that's fine, but I don't expect that or pursue it. Do I want to try and work things out, of course I do. I spent 15 years of my life with her and have built a great life and family with her. Do I have to work things out with her, NO.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

AtMyEnd said:


> That's like a double edged sword in a sense. No she's not allowed to contact him and knows that's a deal breaker, but at the same time who's to stop him from contacting her and telling her? So on one hand you have him making contact not her and on the other if she confronts about telling the wife then you know she has been in contact with him.


No Contact is

1. Block all his numbers
2. If he tries to call on another number or method to immediately hang-up/leave without talking and let you know right then and there.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

AtMyEnd said:


> No none of the outcomes frighten me or worry me, what's the worst case I get divorced? Who cares at this point? She knows she's done wrong, she knows I blame her for all the problems and drama over the past year, that's no secret. Like I said to Andy, I come here to vent like most others. I'm living my life the way I want to live it, if she wants to be included and part of it that's fine, but I don't expect that or pursue it. *Do I want to try and work things out, of course I do. * I spent 15 years of my life with her and have built a great life and family with her. Do I have to work things out with her, NO.


To bring this about circle that's why you let her boyfriend's partner know. It is the *single best method* of killing an affair dead. If she gets mad and leaves you because you blew up her boyfriend's life, then you know where you stand and you save yourself 12-18 months of false hope. If he gets kicked out of his house by his wife and comes looking for your wife, then you'll quickly and authoritatively know if you were / are Plan A or Plan B.

There are literally no downsides other than fear of actually doing it.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

eric1 said:


> No Contact is
> 
> 1. Block all his numbers
> 2. If he tries to call on another number or method to immediately hang-up/leave without talking and let you know right then and there.


Right but like I said, you can block a number on a cellular level so it can't be called, texted or receive calls or texts. But even with the number blocked, 3rd party messaging apps can still be used to.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

eric1 said:


> To bring this about circle that's why you let her boyfriend's partner know. It is the *single best method* of killing an affair dead. If she gets mad and leaves you because you blew up her boyfriend's life, then you know where you stand and you save yourself 12-18 months of false hope. If he gets kicked out of his house by his wife and comes looking for your wife, then you'll quickly and authoritatively know if you were / are Plan A or Plan B.
> 
> There are literally no downsides other than fear of actually doing it.


The way I look at it is even if you contact the other spouse and blow things up, if she doesn't want to end things and is essentially forced to, nothing will ever change. There will always be those thoughts in the back of the WS's mind of the other person. The WS needs to want to end the affair on their own and make the decision by themselves


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

AtMyEnd said:


> The way I look at it is even if you contact the other spouse and blow things up, if she doesn't want to end things and is essentially forced to, nothing will ever change. There will always be those thoughts in the back of the WS's mind of the other person. The WS needs to want to end the affair on their own and make the decision by themselves




Then it doesn't help having her boyfriend having free reign to contact her in nibbles and bites. It might be a simple email to her work email saying 'miss you but understand why you need to lay low'. That type of stuff.

We've established your wife will lie for her boyfriend. If you really want a chance at reconciliation then unfortunately you need to help her build a wall around herself. This isn't something that automatically happens. Just as if she was an alcoholic, you have an intervention. 

The intervention here is blowing up the affair. 97 times out of 100 the boyfriend will be a coward and run for the hills. It'll help illustrate to your wife where she stood.

If he does come for your wife after that (again very unlikely) then atleast you will know where you stand.

The only reason you don't do this is because you are afraid of confirming that you are actually Plan B. Trust me, it's better finding that out as early as possible.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Go read betrayed99's post on surviving infidelity


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AtMyEnd said:


> Ok, I've not rationalizing any avoidance. In my situation, my wife has been confronted about everything. She has been told what needs to happen and what I need to she and hear from her along with how she doesn't have unlimited time to do so. Nothing in my case has or is being avoided. Besides the fact that this thread is not intended to talk about my issues, b*ut to get others opinion on the topic of do you think it's a good idea to tell the other spouse and why.*


Yes, 100 times yes. The spouse of the AP has every right to know that their partner is being a sleaze and betraying them. That poor woman may have no clue what her H is up to. If the tables were turned, wouldnt you want HER to tell YOU?? Stop tippy-toeing around and take some control.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I do not believe there is any reason (short of violence or murder) to not tell the spouse of the OM. 
The spouse has every right to know and the only way to stop an affair and throw the spanner in the works is to expose.

Exposing to the spouse of the OM puts an end to his secret romance and has him grappling for air with his own spouse. Hiding it from everyone is a bad idea. 
WW's need to be exposed so that they are held accountable for the damage they have been doing to their own and another family. I cannot see why you would try to rationalize not telling the spouse of the other person in any affair. It defies all logic!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

eric1 said:


> To bring this about circle that's why you let her boyfriend's partner know. It is the *single best method* of killing an affair dead. If she gets mad and leaves you because you blew up her boyfriend's life, then you know where you stand and you save yourself 12-18 months of false hope. If he gets kicked out of his house by his wife and comes looking for your wife, then you'll quickly and authoritatively know if you were / are Plan A or Plan B.
> 
> There are literally no downsides other than fear of actually doing it.


QFT. I could only like it once so I had to repeat it.


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