# My husband constantly threatens divorce



## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

I have dated my husband for 5 years and married for 2. For 7 years he would threaten to leave me whenever we fought. Id usually confront him, hed say sorry, wed make up and move on. He said he wanted a divorce a few months ago. This time i couldn't get over it and confronted him about it. He said it was because i wasn't giving him enough affection and made him feel undesirable. That if i wanted it to stop i had to more affectionate. I have always held his hand, held him, kissed him gave him sex about 2-3 a week. Everyone who sees us tells us how in love we look. Im at a loss here. I admit i dont have as much sex as i used to but its hard to give affection to someone who tells u ur not good enough and they're not happy. I feel like im crazy. I told him that he puts me in a dark place when he does this and makes me not want to give affection but he insists i need to change. Am i really at fault here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has he told you exactly what it is he needs from you?


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

I think he needs his mommy.


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Has he told you exactly what it is he needs from you?


 he said i should know what he wants without him telling me. I pressed him further and he named a few: cuddle more, complement him more, be more passionate in bed. Ive usually do this but dont want to after a fight. I usually need space after he says he wants to leave. He said i should just know when hes upset or wants more attention. That im selfish because i cant see it. Im a literal person. If i ask if hes ok and he says he is i assume he is ok. I told him for years that i cant read minds. If he needs extra love, just tell me but he never says anything. Sometimes i think hes upset but when i keep asking him aboutit he gets mad. Am i really just supposed to know?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Just a quick note. There is a big difference between being affectionate and being desired. You may have sex 2-3 times a week, hold his hand and kiss him, but do you make him feel that you sexually lust after him. That you desire him. My sister is affectionate to me and an escort will give me sex whenever I want. Neither will make me feel like I am sexually desireable. That is a reason why both men and women in happy marriages, cheat. Show him that you lust for his body. Take his orgams from him rather than wait for him to give them to him. Go dancing and show him how you desire him on the dance floor. Rub against his penis until it gets hard. Feign jealousy to show him how much you want him. I know men and i kno woman. I am married 45 years and seen many couples. Pursue him like you did before you hooked up. He needs to feel that again.


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm right. That he's being too unrealistic and demanding too much of me to expect me to give him this attention and love he craves when he makes me feel like he can take or leave the relationship. That he could leave so easily. In our recent fight I told him I can't trust that he won't threaten me again and he said my thinking doesn't make sense because how can he change if I expect the worst of him. I feel like I'm on repeat cycle. Like I'm stuck in a loop and can't move forward because I don't feel he deserves the extra attention because he thinks he has done nothing wrong. And I'm at fault for our situation. But he's done this when we first started dating and I was way more affectionate then. Has anyone been in my situation? Has giving the extra attention worked? Am I wrong for wanting to dig in my heels and say no to him? That I will not accept this excuse?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bohunkbeast said:


> You have, as a spouse, a male borderline. His behavior will only intensify with time.


There is not enough information here to give a psychological diagnosis. Geez


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rn3s02 said:


> I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm right. That he's being too unrealistic and demanding too much of me to expect me to give him this attention and love he craves when he makes me feel like he can take or leave the relationship. That he could leave so easily. In our recent fight I told him I can't trust that he won't threaten me again and he said my thinking doesn't make sense because how can he change if I expect the worst of him. I feel like I'm on repeat cycle. Like I'm stuck in a loop and can't move forward because I don't feel he deserves the extra attention because he thinks he has done nothing wrong. And I'm at fault for our situation. But he's done this when we first started dating and I was way more affectionate then. Has anyone been in my situation? Has giving the extra attention worked? Am I wrong for wanting to dig in my heels and say no to him? That I will not accept this excuse?


A good place to start is to get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do the work that they suggest. After you do this, you should be better equipped to talk to him about what he needs and how he needs to express it in a way that you can work with.

For example, for him, there is something missing in the relationship. He has to figure out how to express it and tell you exactly what he needs. And you need to be try to meet that. And the same goes for you. You have to tell him that his threatening to leave you is a huge love buster and it has to stop... NOW. His threatening to leave you is leading you to fall out of love with him.. it's a real love killer. 

Once you have read the books and done the work, ask him to read them and then for him to do the work with you. One of the points in the books is no one is a mind reader. Each person has to tell their spouse very clearly what they need. The idea that you should just know is ridiculous.


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

I will try to read the books. He does know it hurts me though and makes me not want to be around him anymore. I've told him several times before, it just keeps coming up. It feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. I really need him to stop but find it really hard to trust that he will change this behavior. Half of me says just end it before he finds that something better he's looking for cause he'll never be satisfied with u no matter what u do and the other half says maybe this time he means it, he'll stop and I can give him what he wants, that I can meet this needs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rn3s02 said:


> I will try to read the books. He does know it hurts me though and makes me not want to be around him anymore. I've told him several times before, it just keeps coming up. It feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. I really need him to stop but find it really hard to trust that he will change this behavior. Half of me says just end it before he finds that something better he's looking for cause he'll never be satisfied with u no matter what u do and the other half says maybe this time he means it, he'll stop and I can give him what he wants, that I can meet this needs.


My bet is that he needs to hear it from someone else. That's part of the reason I suggested the books because they clearly state that what he is doing is harmful to the relationship.

You could also find a marriage counselor and see if he will go to a MC, but its often hard to find a good MC.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rn3s02 said:


> I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm right. That he's being too unrealistic and demanding too much of me to expect me to give him this attention and love he craves when he makes me feel like he can take or leave the relationship. That he could leave so easily. In our recent fight I told him I can't trust that he won't threaten me again and he said my thinking doesn't make sense because how can he change if I expect the worst of him. I feel like I'm on repeat cycle. Like I'm stuck in a loop and can't move forward because I don't feel he deserves the extra attention because he thinks he has done nothing wrong. And I'm at fault for our situation. But he's done this when we first started dating and I was way more affectionate then. Has anyone been in my situation? Has giving the extra attention worked? Am I wrong for wanting to dig in my heels and say no to him? That I will not accept this excuse?


Sounds like he may have some issues from his childhood and he is trying to get you to fill a hole which you cannot.
Shock him into reality. Tell him that the next time he threatens to leave you will believe him and will get the papers yourself. Follow through (papers do not have to be finalised) let him see you cannot be held to ransom like this.
I think he needs therapy to see why he is acting like this, perhaps you could both have MC. I suggest you also read and do the exercises in His Needs Her Needs. You both have different ways of showing love.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@rn3s02 if your husband keeps telling you he wants a divorce, you would do well to divorce him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Personal said:


> @rn3s02 if your husband keeps telling you he wants a divorce, you would do well to divorce him.


I second this. It sounds like he is not emotionally healthy, and that he is trying to make YOU responsible for the emotional holes he has. It sounds like he's being emotionally abusive to you.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

He seems to think that just because he wants/needs something...he is entitled to it. A sense of entitlement is not a trait that is likely to go away. It will just get worse.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This sounds manipulative and abusive. Threats to divorce are not trivial. This is not normal behavior.

My vote is to give him what he wants and divorce him.

If you're a masochist, you could stay with him and hope he gets the professional counseling he seems to need. I would only stay with him if he went to counseling and if there were real improvements. There is no reason to live the way you are. He can be 90% a great guy, but these threats erase all of that. In other words, the good does not mean you should ignore the bad. The bad is bad, and it is greatly impacting your life and happiness. You have every right to happiness, and no obligation to suffer due to his psychological issues. He has the obligation to be the best possible spouse he can (just as you have that same obligation). When a spouse has an issue, they are obligated to make a strong effort to overcome it. You do not have to remain with him if he doesn't make the effort and if he doesn't change his ways.

No kids? I would bail out sooner rather than later. Certainly I would not put up with the status quo.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

It's strange because it feels like somewhat of a role reversal, it's usually the guy who is saying to his wife "I can't read your mind, I'm literal". 

Seems to me like he's thinking about divorce, and they say "sober thought, drunk words" (or in this case, calm thought, angry words), and so he brings it up when he's mad. Then when you ask him about it later, he tells himself that he's a good guy, so it must be your fault, because you aren't affectionate enough, and you should just _know_ that he needs more affection, and so on. That very likely might not be the actual reason. 

So I guess, 'calling his bluff' might be the most effective way to resolve it. And no, it doesn't sound like you're at fault, from what you've written.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's a stereotype that women expect men to read their minds. From my experience, and from reading forums like TAM, I think men do it as often as women do.

I agree with the people who say to call his bluff if he will not see reason and stop the love busting. Threatening divorce all the time a form of emotional abuse. Maybe the next time he makes the threat, hand him divorce papers (you can down load some from your state's court self help site and fill them out.) and then tell him that he is welcome to leave if that's what he wants.

By doing that you take the power out of him threatening divorce.


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

Thank u. For a lot time i felt like i was crazy. Im thinking of moving out for awhile. I know i asked him about MC before and he said "thats where marriage goes to die" but my opinion is " thats the last place to save the marriage". We don't have any kids or a house together either we are only in school. So now would be the best time to leave. I feel like im failing. Ive never been divorced before. I thought this was the one but i admit i feel dumb thinking this behavior would have changed after marriage


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

Yeah. I admit ive always felt like the man in the relationship. Like i was dating a women because he expects me to read his mind, to know when he needs space and wgen he doesn't. Example would be last year i asked him what he wanted for his bday. He said just dinner. So i took him to dinner. Hes mad because i didn't give him a gift. He told me he didn't want one. I offered to take him to the store to buy one, he refused because its not a bday gift if we buy it together and its not a surprise. So im the ahole. Other times hes angry, i have a feeling and ask, he says hes fine, i ask again, hes fine, i stop asking and going about my day cause i assumed im imaging it or he just doesn't want to talk. Hes mad at me later because i didnt keep asking. Its really maddening sometimes. I cant win


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

rn3s02 said:


> Yeah. I admit ive always felt like the man in the relationship. Like i was dating a women because he expects me to read his mind, to know when he needs space and wgen he doesn't. Example would be last year i asked him what he wanted for his bday. He said just dinner. So i took him to dinner. Hes mad because i didn't give him a gift. He told me he didn't want one. I offered to take him to the store to buy one, he refused because its not a bday gift if we buy it together and its not a surprise. So im the ahole. Other times hes angry, i have a feeling and ask, he says hes fine, i ask again, hes fine, i stop asking and going about my day cause i assumed im imaging it or he just doesn't want to talk. Hes mad at me later because i didnt keep asking. Its really maddening sometimes. I cant win


Of course you can't win - this is pure manipulation, intended to keep you off balance and engrossed in him at all times. It's disgusting.


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

Update: I told my husband that I decided to go home for a few days to think about things. We are in school in nevada, my family home is in california. He said that if I left, he would take it as I was leaving the marriage. I repeated that i had no intention of leaving the marriage just need a few days away from him to think. he said married people dont get breaks, so id be walking out on the marriage. Would it bee walking out on the marriage if i intended to return in a few days? I figured if we end up divorcing because of this few day break then a marriage isnt strong enough. After a long talk I ended up taking a walk around the neighborhood. I talked to my mom and she convinced me to stay and wait it out. See what happens. when i got back to the apartment he told me he would try reading counseling books with me and try to show more affection (which i told him i felt was lacking). And that in order for it to work i need to forgive him and not expect him to do it again because by expecting him to do it again and not giving him a chance, the marriage wont last. and that hell try to watch what he say when he is angry but i cant hold what he says against him if he does say anything. I told him thats not an excuse, he said dont treat him like a child. because my mom and he said hed try. i decided to stay. Its been a few days since then. I still have a bag packed but he seems to be trying. I have two voices in my head right now. one says things wont change the other says maybe just maybe. I am trying to forgive him but it keeps screaming at me, i cant forget about it. Is there any hope for us? or should i throw in the towel?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

He threatens divorce...give it to him!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You sure there's no cheating on his part? If he was a woman there would be hoards screaming that she's having an affair. 

Threatening divorce is not ok. He needs to say exactly what his expectations are. Him trying for a few days is nothing but maybe you woke him up enough to not make threats again


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

RN, does your H do rapid flips -- every few weeks -- between adoring you and devaluing you? If so, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, please tell us which signs are very strong and which do not apply at all. This will help us understand the pattern of behavior you're seeing.


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

He is very quick to anger. The divorce threats occur when he is angry. He doesn't talk down to me regularly only in fights. I have to say though this list really bothers me. Just because i felt like i agreed with so much of it =(. i have examples on the side incase i misunderstood the list. 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction; (Family member made a joke he didnt appreciate, he says he will not see or speak to them again until they apologize to him. and i shouldnt either. If I don't he says I am not standing up for him. even if offense occured years ago and they have been nice to him since. If they don't apologize he won't talk to them or want to go to any events of theirs. he holds grudges)
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;" ( he says things like i always do this for u , you never do that, if you do this i wont do that. U always do this)
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members; (constanly says he thinks im cheating because im texting other people and says I delete stuff so he can't read it. he goes through my phone occasionally to "see" what i like and its "harmless" curiosity but when i go through his phone he says i dont trust him. He got mad that I told my aunt about What he says to me when he's angry. He said we'll probably divorce now cause they'll tell me to and our marriage is none of their business)
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard; (he says I need to forgive him for his angry words but won't forgive mine. He can bring up past fights but I can't. When I do I'm not being fair cause I can't let go)

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem; (he says he's afraid I'll leave and he doesn't deserve me. That he's ****ed up and is sorry but he's trying)
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours; (when I disagree with certain things. Example: I want to stay a little longer with family and he doesn't. Or when I want to go to an event but he doesn't cause a person hasn't apologized to him about something that happened years or months ago that he took offense to. He doesn't like my uncle, I wanted to go to his baby shower.he didn't.he fought me the way there. I ended up missing it and arriving late because I was upset)
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans; (when i said i needed a break for a few days because the fighting he said i would be leaving the marriage or when i walk away from fighting (cause he can get really nasty, like call me names) he says i am running away. He said thats why he says we shouldnt be together or should just break up. And if I didn't leave he wouldn't say it)
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune; (not every misfortune but when i bring up what he does to me and how hurt I get he likes to bring up what i do or dont do for him that hurts him. That he does blank because I do or don't do blank and make him feel blank. In the end I end up apologizing)

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing; ( he said i need to remind him when hes angry not to cuss, that I need to not raise my voice, let him speak, remind him not to say mean things to me or threaten me with divorce. and if he does i cant hold it against him. I get sometimes people need reminding but it's exhausting. I feel like a parent reminding a child to behave)
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away); (he says he doesnt have any. He has some very distant friends from high school but he doesnt talk to them anymore or hang out with them. An occasional hi on Facebook but that's it. very casual)

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence. (he says people are ganging up on him in situations where i cant see it. the situation seems harmless to me, harmless joking, he jokes back but somewhere in the talk he gets mad cause he's offended. He's mad at me because i didnt defend him. he never tells me in the moment (like hey this hurts me) only after the situation is over & we leave and are in the car or he starts immediately fighting the people who offended him (verbally, never been physical) and everyone seems to be blindsided by it.)


My cousin saw the last number once. She's 20. She told me she was worried for me and asked if I ever felt unsafe around him. She didn't want me to go back with him to Nevada for school. I have never felt physically threatened by him. He has never raised a hand to me or threatened me physically but I can understand how she Scared. His anger can go 0 to 60

I know it's a cycle. We are amazing/ok, he blows up, relationship threatened, he apologizes, honeymoon he is very caring and nice, back to ok. But the cycle times are different. Sometimes ok cycle is 1year then out burst or a few months then outburst but the cycle plays out the same. The outburst is always out of no where for me.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

rn3s02 said:


> I have to say this list really bothers me. Just because i felt like i agreed with so much of it.


RN, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a pattern of behaviors called a "spectrum disorder." This means that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating him for 5 years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.



> He is very quick to anger.


If he is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), this rapid display of anger is to be expected. A BPDer has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do or say a thing to CREATE the anger. You only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger that is always there below the surface. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only a few seconds. And this is why one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD is _"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger."
_
The vast majority of full-blown BPDers -- statistics suggest 2/3 to 3/4 of them -- are "high functioning." This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDers fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. And this is why most BPDers can be polite and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them. 

On the other hand, if your H's temper tantrums are often directed toward complete strangers (e.g., as in road rage), you are describing red flags for a behavioral pattern called IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder) -- not BPD.



> Constantly says he thinks im cheating because im texting other people and he cant read my text.


If he is a BPDer, his greatest fear is of abandonment. A BPDer often sees threats of abandonment in common, every day events that really pose no threat at all. This is why a BPDer will mistakenly believe you are cheating and will exhibit irrational jealousy of harmless events and comments. Moreover, a BPDer lives in fear that, even if you really do seem to love him at this moment in time, you will immediately abandon him as soon as you discover how empty and worthless he is on the inside. This is why _"Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.



> When i said i needed a break for a few days he said i would be leaving the marriage.


Like I said, if he is a BPDer, he is so fearful of abandonment that he mistakenly perceives it even where it does not exist.



> My husband constantly threatens divorce.


BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.



> He says things like i always do this, you never do that.


This frequent use of all-or-nothing statements -- e.g., "You never..." and "You always..." -- indicates that he relies heavily on _black-white thinking_. There is no middle ground -- no gray area between the polar extremes.



> Doesn't have any friends really. some very distant friends from high school but he doesn't talk to them anymore or hang out with them.


_"A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones"_ is one of the 9 symptoms for BPD. Because BPDers rely heavily on black-white thinking, they typically are fun to be around while they are perceiving of you as "all good" (i.e., "with them"). And they can be terrible to be around while they are perceiving of you as "all bad" (i.e., "against them). 

It therefore is not surprising that they usually push all their close friends away when they eventually recategorize them as "all bad." It only takes a minor comment or action to cause a BPDer to recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other. This is why BPDers typically have no close friends unless the person lives a long distance away.

BPDers categorize everyone close to them in this black-white manner because they are too emotionally immature to handle being in touch with two strong conflicting feelings at the same time. Likewise, they are extremely uncomfortable with ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. You will see this same all-or-nothing behavior in a four year old who adores Mommy while she's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Mommy when she takes one toy away.



> Family member made a joke he didnt appreciate, he says he will not see or speak to them again until they apologize to him. and i shouldnt either.


Again, this behavior is called "black-white thinking." Because a BPDer is too emotionally immature to handle ambiguities and strong mixed feelings toward another person, he will categorize them at one extreme (white) or the other (black).



> He says people are gaining up on him in situations where i cant see it. the situation seems harmless to me, harmless joking and he gets mad at me because i didnt defend him.


You seem to be describing paranoia. I mention it because _"Having stress-related paranoid thoughts"_ is another one of the nine defining traits for a pattern of BPD behavior.



> Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune; (not every misfortune but when i bring up what he does to me he like to bring up what i do or dont do for him).


If your H is a BPDer, he will seek frequent "validation" of his false self image of being The Victim by refusing to take responsibility for his own bad choices and actions. Instead, he will blame most problems and hurt feelings on you.



> I know it's a cycle. We are amazing/ok, he blows up, relationship threatened, he apologizes, honeymoon he is very caring and nice, back to ok. But the cycle times are different.


If your H is a BPDer, this cycle of flipping between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) will be irregular. It is irregular because his anger is triggered by events and you never know what minor comment or action will be the trigger. 

In contrast, if he were suffering from bipolar disorder, his mood changes would not be triggered by events but, rather, by gradual changes in body chemistry. Hence, whereas a BPD mood flip can occur in a minute, a bipolar mood change typically takes a week or two to develop and much longer to go away.



> Is there any hope for us?


RN, given that most of the 18 BPD warning signs sound familiar to you, I suggest that you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _Maybe's Thread_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation -- and may help you decide whether to spend money seeking a candid professional opinion from a psychologist. Take care, RN.


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

Thank you. This response was very informative. i will look into the maybe's thread you spoke of.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

rn3s02 said:


> Yeah. I admit ive always felt like the man in the relationship. Like i was dating a women because he expects me to read his mind, to know when he needs space and wgen he doesn't. Example would be last year i asked him what he wanted for his bday. He said just dinner. So i took him to dinner. Hes mad because i didn't give him a gift. He told me he didn't want one. I offered to take him to the store to buy one, he refused because its not a bday gift if we buy it together and its not a surprise. So im the ahole. Other times hes angry, i have a feeling and ask, he says hes fine, i ask again, hes fine, i stop asking and going about my day cause i assumed im imaging it or he just doesn't want to talk. Hes mad at me later because i didnt keep asking. Its really maddening sometimes. I cant win


OMG. He does sound like a whiny, needy woman.

I'm a bit shocked at some of the 'advice' you're being given to pander to this jerk sexually and emotionally when he's done NOTHING at all to instill that desire in you. About the last damned thing I'd be doing after dealing with his childish tantrums and 'divorce' threats is dirty dancing with him and 'lusting' after his sorry ass. That'd be DEAD last on my list of things to do.

He's an emotionally stunted child, and his immature, needy, self-entitled attitude is grossly unattractive and very destructive to your relationship.

And while strangers on the internet are in no way qualified to diagnose any disorder, if it does turn out that he's Borderline, I'd suggest running for the hills as fast as your legs can carry you. I did 3 years with a BPD and it was the worst 3 years of my life. NEVER AGAIN.

Good luck to you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And while strangers on the internet are in no way qualified to diagnose any disorder, if it does turn out that he's Borderline, I'd suggest running for the hills as fast as your legs can carry you. I did 3 years with a BPD and it was the worst 3 years of my life. NEVER AGAIN.


I don't think one needs to diagnose likely disorders in order to make the decision. The info can be useful in predicting the chances of a good relationship if they stay together, but I think many of us get onto the wrong path with trying to figure out what is going on with our spouse.

I was the pathologically Nice Guy who married the CSA victim, which is a Perfect Storm. It seems many people get locked into similar dynamics, where one person wants to help the other, or figure out what is wrong so it can be fixed, or perhaps they even blame themselves for their partner's episodes of bad behavior. And then we get tunnel vision on trying to diagnose whatever it is, and then reading up on how to fix it.

Most of the time I think the better approach is to not accept unacceptable behavior. _It doesn't matter what is at the root of their bad behavior_. We should set strong boundaries with real consequences. Put the onus on them to fix themselves.

After having been in a bad relationship we learn to see the red flags in future potential mates, so we do what we should have done the first time around. My advice to those in the midst of the first time around is to spend little to no effort trying to figure out why their partner is behaving badly. Whether it be substance abuse, personality disorder, the result of childhood trauma, or just poor skills, it can't be fixed by the one on the receiving end of the bad behavior.

The advantage of having a good idea of potential diagnoses is exactly as you stated, if you learn they likely fall into certain categories then the best action may be to leave immediately. The risk of chasing down what potentially is the root problem is one can end up diverted from taking action.


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## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

I understand what you are saying. It feels good to know that I'm not going crazy. This is my first marriage, i have never been through this before. If i divorced it would be the first in my family, so I'm a little reluctant to go that way because I admit I feel a little ashamed about it. I did tell him that if it happened again I would leave and I mean it. Something did change in me this time around. Its not going away. I spoke to my mother about it, cause i needed some guidance but she insists i stay and work on it and help him. that all couples go through this phase. but, she and my dad never threatened divorce so part of me feels she really has no idea what she's talking about. I guess i decided to see what happens till the end of this year. If i still feel the way i do, i decided i would leave because if it doesn't go away or get better it probably never will. I just really cant stand his anger issue. I know its not my job to control it for him. I've never packed a bag before and told him i was leaving. I guess I'm just hoping the packed bag was enough to shock him to see that we have serious issues that need attention.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Repeatedly threatening divorce is abuse. It is not normal, and it is not commonplace.

If he doesn't get his act together, you have no obligation to stay with him. You have no obligation to him if he is being abusive (even if he doesn't understand what he is doing is abuse). You have no obligation to your mother to stay with him. You do have an obligation to yourself to find happiness and to remove yourself from bad situations.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Retracted


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

He'll only behave and promise to entice you back into his web. Only to repeat his behavior once again. That will be his method of manipulation. You will have enabled him. 

It will embolden him to carry on this cycle. It will be a cycle only you can break. Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rn3s02 said:


> I understand what you are saying. It feels good to know that I'm not going crazy. This is my first marriage, i have never been through this before. If i divorced it would be the first in my family, so I'm a little reluctant to go that way because I admit I feel a little ashamed about it. I did tell him that if it happened again I would leave and I mean it. Something did change in me this time around. Its not going away. *I spoke to my mother about it, cause i needed some guidance but she insists i stay and work on it and help him.* that all couples go through this phase. but, she and my dad never threatened divorce so part of me feels she really has no idea what she's talking about. I guess i decided to see what happens till the end of this year. If i still feel the way i do, i decided i would leave because if it doesn't go away or get better it probably never will. I just really cant stand his anger issue. I know its not my job to control it for him. I've never packed a bag before and told him i was leaving. I guess I'm just hoping the packed bag was enough to shock him to see that we have serious issues that need attention.


Are you a trained mental health professional? If not, then you cannot help him.

He needs professional help from qualified mental health professionals.

If he will not do this then you need to look to protect yourself.


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