# Isn't Trust THE Most Important?



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't trust my wife - plain and simple. Too many lies. Too many loose ends and stories that don't make sense.

What kills me is that I swear she's lied more in the last 9 months than the first 15 years we were together. I feel like I can no longer give her the benefit of the doubt when things don't seem right. In the past, I always assumed she was honest. She abused that. Maybe that was my mistake - but I don't think so.

Is there any hope for a relationship without trust?

Can passion overcome trust? Can financial security happen without trust?

Is trust the most important element to a strong, long-term relationship? If not, what is and why?

Don't leave me hanging on this one guys - even if you don't have anything to say, just let me know I'm not alone out here.

Really hating this separation / limbo stuff right now.

Thanks all.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Trust is a funny thing. It can be lost in an instant, and take a lifetime to be restored. The key here is time. The person has to first acknowledge that they have damaged trust, seek help/change their behavior, and then forge a different path.

Does this mean that you can expect never to be hurt by them again? No...they are human, and not perfect. I guess the idea is that they are truly repentant for their actions/attitudes/words (etc), and you can believe that they are truly trying every day to be different.

At least that is how I look at trust. Time heals alot of wounds. However, one of the biggest lessons I've learned these last few months, is that someone will beg/promise/change for a little while until they have you back...but the true heart to change and treat you differently wasn't there. Therefore they fall back into the same habits that drove you away in the first place.

Separation sucks. I am right there with you, but you have time to take it slow.


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## anybody (Mar 2, 2010)

A marriage can only survive through trust or apathy and I would argue that an apathetic marriage is no marriage at all. Without trust, there is no foundation on which to build anything else.

People are generally untrustworthy for a reason. Sometimes a person can be dishonest because they are justifiably afraid. Sometimes, they are irretrievably selfish and simply want to be able to 'have their cake and eat it too'. Sometimes, they truly believe what they are saying when they say it, but can't find the strength to follow through (ie broken promises). It's important to trace the dishonesty to its root before deciding how/if it can be fixed and healing can begin.


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## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

I'm not neccessarily saying it's the right thing for everyone, but what worked for me was making a conscious decision.

About 3 years in, hubby used to drink and pulled a stupid - put himself in a few questionable situations that I just happened to stumble on every time..

Can I beyond a shadow of a doubt guarentee nothing ever happened?
No way.

However - after talking about it, and thinking myself, and deciding myself where I wanted to go with it, I made a conscious decision to give it a try.

I think in the beginning it was 'fake it till you make it' to start the ball rolling of making an effort to trust him again, and I think a key element to that was how HE was dedicated to earning my trust again.

So first it was days, then weeks, and then months would go by and it wasn't what he actively did, but more what he actively didn't do to put himself in stupid situations (in his case also quit drinking).

At first I thought about it several times a time, and as time went on now I don't even question and I consider our marriage to be one of the strongest.

But, and I think it's an important but, I believe you HAVE to either have trust, or willing to work to get it back to have a successful relationship / marriage / etc.

I can't see just a succession of "I'm happy, but I will never trust you" bringing happiness for either / both parties involved...

However, just my $0.02 and I could be completely wrong 

Sorry for the rambling / tangent, but hope that helps a wee bit.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mittens - that makes perfect sense.

In your case you basically met him halfway. You put some faith in him, and it sounds like he returned that faith by stopping certain behaviors and staying out of questionable situations.

What if he improved but still left you room for doubt? Would that kind of faith work with only a moderate improvement? Like maybe he cut back on drinking but didn't stop altogether. Or still went out, but was only out until eleven and not 2am, or whatever the case.


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## Ladybug30 (Oct 27, 2009)

Here's a quote that I think speaks volumes:

Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together: at the door where the latter enters, the former makes its exit.

Do you really want to spend your life with someone who you can't trust? Can you imagine spending everyday wondering if this person is telling the truth, if this person is out cheating, what they're up to every minute of everyday... that's no way to live. BUT if she's willing to own up to her mistakes, and accept responsibilty, and work to try to gain your trust again, then maybe there's a chance. I've read some of your posts, and it just doesn't seem like that's the case. I've been through a divorce, it was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I did come out a stronger, better person because of it. Life is too short to try and fit a square peg in a round hole, there is someone out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve, maybe you just haven't found her yet.

This is just one person's opinion, so you can take it with a grain of salt.....


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

If I got to where I didn't trust my wife, I think we'd have to end it. I see people here talking about staying with their spouse after an affair, but installing a keylogger so they can monitor the spouse's activities, and I just couldn't live that way. It would consume me eventually, and there wouldn't be any of me left.

The kind of suspicious person I can imagine becoming isn't someone any person would ever want to be married to anyway.


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## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

Each individual is different and each situation is unique, but for myself I think I would have to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with myself asking how much patience I was willing to have, and if I honestly and completely believed the other person A) saw they did wrong, was remorseful, and wanted to improve and B) was genuine.

Meaning, if I knew H was trying but wasn't quite 'there' yet, I might be able to be patient until he was, however if he was giving a half-assed effort just to appease me, I would not even give him serious consideration.

Again, not sure if that makes sense, but hope that helps.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Trust is a key element to any successful relationship. As someone else posted too, it's on of those tricky things that takes years to build, and can be lost in an instant.

It's also interesting that Trust issues can come from multiple sources. Not only can it be deteriorated by the actions of your SO, but it can also be shaken by ones own insecurities.

Rebuilding it is certainly a two way street. It will take willingness to change from both parties. One to be willing to try trusting, and one being willing to show they are trustworthy.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Trust is important. Attraction is important too. Throughout a loooong looong marriage both of these might sometimes fade away. It's up to you to decide if at that point they are worth restoring (because they can be) or the marriage is over.

All people lie sometimes. Whether we admit it or not. It becomes more obvious when you're paying a lot of attention to them like you're doing now. THe trick is to realize how serious those lies are...and how to get her to be honest eventually. If she's emotionally detached, feels hurt or judged, it's a somehow normal thing she'd lie. And that means trust issues are on her side as well aka not trusting you to be able to handle the truth/understand her.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Nice: I understand how you feel. My wife has lied one word after another since things started to fall apart. I moved out a few months ago and have recently found out she told her friends that we were just taking a break from each other. More lies. She has repeatedly told me she is leaving me. So be it at this point i don't know if i could ever trusts her again. The bad thing is I trusted this woman above everyone on this earth. With that gone now I do not trust anyone with a beating heart. That suck but that is how I feel. I truely hope you are not in my position because it does make life difficult.. Good Luck


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Since we started our trial separation, I quit looking so hard for lies and inconsistencies. Plus - being apart doesn't allow me to know enough about what she's doing to be able to fill in the blanks and gaps in her stories.

So, I haven't "caught" her in any new lies recently. A couple of weeks ago I think she got more honest about her previous EAs. At first this felt like progress, but then it just raised more questions and proved that she really had been keeping things from me for 7-9 months or whatever (starting to lose track of the time).

She doesn't seem emotionally detached. At times she seems downright needy (which makes sense, because she is partially disabled).

I'm trying to be more positive. We are now at the halfway mark of her 6 month lease. I want to be sure that its the right thing for all of us before she comes home again.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Look, if she was in EAs, she was emotionally detached from you. Or at least that's how i see the situation. On top of that, people avoid disclosing hurtful information. While this is not honest and right, it's understandable and may feel like the right thing to do for the person who's hiding something. Specially if it's an EA. Because few people can figure out instantly if they are in a EA or just a friendship. I can understand how her telling you more may feel like crap because you've just been hit with new information that makes you doubt her. Doesn't really matter when it happened, it still makes you distrust her. Because you realize you were there and she was acting pretty much like nothing was happening. But...it really is a progress if she disclosed so much stuff because it means she's starting to be honest and have the courage to tell ya stuff.

Instead of pushing her away with anything or doubt, why not try praise this kinda behaviour in her and you may discover she'll actually start being honest all the time. 

Neediness doesn't necesarily mean she's emotionally connected with you. It may just mean she needs support.


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