# Is my husband in love with his friend?



## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

I have been with my husband for 8 years. 

My husband has an online friend that he seems to care about very deeply but he has never actually met her in person. He left the screen open to his chat log with her, I read a message he had sent to her. 

HIM:OH f**k it, I love you. Stay well and don't respond, I'd be so embarrassed though forgive me if I'm wrong but I think you feel the same way about me. drunken self says f**k my embarrassment, I love you and I'll love you forever. I'd like to make up a thousand excuses right now to make what I've said okay but...

She never did respond to him and she is in a relationship. I don't know what their conversations are usually like but I have read a few and I don't get the feeling she has any romantic interest in him.

He had sent me a message earlier in the day saying "I mean you no harm no disrespect. what I felt before I can feel no more. I sacrificed those feelings for you and I don't know what to do anymore." I asked him if that meant he didn't have feelings for me anymore and he said "No, those were just words."

Do I have anything to be worried about?


I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and I'm such a mess right now, I think my mind is my biggest enemy at the moment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you have something to worry about. A huge percentage of affairs start this way these days.

Do you know who she is and where she lives?


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

Yes I've talked to her online a few times. He knows her address and he gave her our address without asking me if I was ok with it first. 

This might sound immature but there was a comic book he promised to buy me. I saw it in our living room and got really excited and then he said oh that's not yours, I got it for my friend. He forgot that he said he would get it for me and I don't think she ever expressed any interest in it


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Yes address it now and don't wait. Listen to what your mind is telling you.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

I have addressed this in the past and he becomes defensive. Saying that he's known her longer than he's known me and that she has been there for him more than I have (this is what really hurts me the most). He told her that I am jealous of the attention he spends on her but that I should appreciate her because she saved him from a suicide attempt. I was the one that went to see him every day at the mental hospital and I am the one that has been by his side but it's like he doesn't see it that way


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Both of them are in the wrong.

Contact her.

Opposite sex friendships *need *boundaries.

Obviously the friendship **and I use the term friendship loosely** between your husband and this female has *no *boundaries.

And she is in a relationship.

I wonder if her significant other even knows what the two of them are doing.

If needed, both of you may need to spend time apart from each other so he can figure out *exactly what* he wants. Is there someone you can stay with for a while? If so, do not be in any type of contact with him while apart from him.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

My husband has become really good friends with her bf . They chat online more often than he talks to her I think. But they are on a "break" at the moment before they move forward with marriage plans. I'm worried that knowing this, my husband might see it as a "chance" for him to get closer to her. This is the second time I saw that he told her he loves her, both times he was really drunk. I don't think her bf knows that my husband has said any of this to her though. I have tried the being apart thing before and he came back. Last time it was a younger female co-worker that had gotten him confused and he thought he wanted to be with her. I never got over it but I just don't want to give up on my marriage, I think we can still fix it but he needs to communicate better with me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My husband did this same thing with more than one woman. I was naïve and thought it was just friends. By the time I realized what was really going on he was meeting up on he traveled and having sex in real life.

If I were you I'd make copies of as many of their chats as you can, especially the ones where he is professing his love to her. Then I'd send copies of them to her boyfriend. Let him deal with her.

Treat this like any affair. It's an emotional affair which can be more harmful than just sex. There is a book that people here talk about "


_*Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity*_ by Shirley P. Glass. You might want to get this, read it and then give it to your husband to read. Maybe send a copy to her boyfriend when you send him the text messages.

Just want to add... I would put a keylogger on his computer. That's one of the ways I found out what was really going on in my life.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

Thanks! He did mention going to visit her and her boyfriend before and he invited them to our house without asking if I was ok with it! I just do not feel respected at all. What is a keylogger? We share a laptop and he usually leaves his email and all his chat screens open. That's how I've been able to read what I have and I did make copies cause I was afraid he was going to delete them later


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovelorn_wife said:


> Thanks! He did mention going to visit her and her boyfriend before and he invited them to our house without asking if I was ok with it! I just do not feel respected at all. What is a keylogger? We share a laptop and he usually leaves his email and all his chat screens open. That's how I've been able to read what I have and I did make copies cause I was afraid he was going to delete them later


A key logger is software that runs in the background on a computer. it captures everything typed and screen shots.

If he leaves everything open then maybe you can get enough evidence without a keylogger. 

do keep making copies. Then send them to the boyfriend.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

Thank you! I'm talking to her now. She says she talks to guys online and her bf knows but she's never asked anyone to get serious about her. Not sure what that means.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

Talked to her and she said she would never do anything with him. and she doesn't support him coming on to her..idk how true that is but i guess I'll have to work on fixing my inner demons and my marriage. if it's meant to be it'll be I guess 


from HER: Yeah, I mean on one hand I get it- I have people that I love in my life that have gotten me through hard times. It's a friend love. On the other hand, I would be worried if I was on your end too. And while although he has told me he loves me (usually when drunk), he has never defined it as a romantic type of love. I worry because I have been in a situation where I fell in love with a fantasy I felt surrounded that person. But thankfully I was able to realise it was just that- fantasy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Keep an eye on what is going on between them. I would not trust her. Perhaps that's just me. But the problem is that people who cheat are liars.


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## muppet (Mar 4, 2014)

lovelorn_wife said:


> I have been with my husband for 8 years.
> 
> My husband has an online friend that he seems to care about very deeply but he has never actually met her in person. He left the screen open to his chat log with her, I read a message he had sent to her.
> 
> ...


 I am in a similar situation it's hard trying to understand whether you need to worry or not. My head is so messed up with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

I am beginning to wonder if your husband really understands what it means to be married to someone and how to act like a married man.

Your husband and his female friend remind me of two females my husband dealt with while we were dating.

The first one was an ex of his. She had found his home phone number on the internet several years ago and began leaving messages on his answering machine professing her undying love for him. He broke up with her in 2002. She continued leaving messages on his answering machine almost on a daily basis **sometimes more than one message a day** professing her undying love for him for a while. At that time he did not have a caller id, and so he could not block her phone number. This continued while we were dating. He told her to stop doing that, but she would not honor his wishes.

It got to the point that I had to get involved and tell her to stop.

The other female...

He became friends with her shortly before we began dating. The poster who told her to be wary of his female friend is correct. The reason why is this...

This particular female friend was like your husbands female friend... Nice and understanding, but she wanted to break up our relationship. I was like the poster I mentioned in that I was wary of this particular female friend of my husband. When he realized that she wanted to break up our relationship, he ended his friendship with her.

Have you considered going to a counselor?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

How did he develop the on-line friendship? And how can he call her a friend if he has never met her? It doesn't make any sense. Sounds like he's trying to live in a fantasy world. Others have suggested counseling for him. I agree.

It would almost be more reassuring if he were chatting with a person whom he had met in real life. How can he even know if this person is who she says she is? And, I repeat, how can he invest so much emotion into something imaginary?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

He is cheating emotionally. 

Why the hell does he have a female friend anyways?

Asking for trouble. But go ahead and find a "friend" yourself and see how he feels about that......


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's very easy to lust after someone when you've never met them,trust me,I know. It sucks when it happens to you. It's confusing and it's dangerous. 
He needs to cut it out with her cold turkey. No halfway attempts at maintaining a friendship that's on the up and up bc it never will be just a friendship for him. It could possibly be innocent on her end but you never know. 

They need to cut contact completely and then the two of you need to get into counseling. He needs to recognize what he has done and stop minimizing it.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your responses, I have been so stressed out over this situation and really didn't have anyone I could talk to. I do not like to snoop through his emails and chat logs but if he has them open I sometimes read them to see if he's talking to girls. I did asked him if he was in love with her and he seemed taken aback. I told him that it hurt when he said she has been there for him and basically that I wasn't and he did apologize, I felt he was being sincere.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

spunkycat08 said:


> I am beginning to wonder if your husband really understands what it means to be married to someone and how to act like a married man.
> 
> Your husband and his female friend remind me of two females my husband dealt with while we were dating.
> 
> ...



We have talked about going to a counselor before but just haven't been to one yet. You're right, he doesn't know what it means to be a husband and he has admitted that to me and he has apologized for being a "bad husband." I will be keeping an eye on him and her but I feel that most of the emotions are one sided on his part, I really didn't get the vibe that she had any thoughts other than friendship.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

Omego said:


> How did he develop the on-line friendship? And how can he call her a friend if he has never met her? It doesn't make any sense. Sounds like he's trying to live in a fantasy world. Others have suggested counseling for him. I agree.
> 
> It would almost be more reassuring if he were chatting with a person whom he had met in real life. How can he even know if this person is who she says she is? And, I repeat, how can he invest so much emotion into something imaginary?


I believe they met on an art website. They've never met but he has seen pictures of her and I believe he has skyped with her and her bf. He never leaves the room to skype with them and they only ever video chat in a group, I think her bf has trust issues as well. I do think that my husband has created a fantasy but he insist he doesn't see her as a woman, the only thing I can do is to attempt and hope that is true.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

lovelorn_wife, there was a woman my husband and I only knew from online gaming. We BOTH spoke to her off the game, texting occasionally, as well as Facebook. But then, we started having problems. I fully admit that I was the first to mess up, and have taken full responsibility, etc. But he turned to texting this woman everyday, every night. I was in my own little world for awhile, so didn't catch on. But then... I did. The words "I love you" never were exchanged, but it's very hard to read "You look sexy in that pic" (or something like that), when your spouse hasn't said those words to you in a LONG time! This other woman was also in a relationship. And, when I spoke to her myself, she went off on me. It sounds like that's NOT what happened with the woman your husband has been talking to, but I would still be leery. My own husband tried to tell me that he felt nothing more than just friendship for this woman, and then I saw a text, after I voiced my suspicions and he asked her about her own feelings, where she asked him how he felt... he told her that it was more than just riends, but then I started to step up again. Yea... no way he can say to me that they were "just friends". We are still together, but it wasn't an easy road. Personally, if I were you, I'd be VERY cautious. Just reading what you have posted, *I* have gotten that vibe...that something isn't right in his/her story. Be careful, and be vigilant.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Lovelorn...I find it interesting that he hasn't really done much to hide his trail...so I wonder if he had been secretly hoping you would approve of his texting another woman. The fact that there are a couple instances of pronouncing his "love"...shows that boundaries are blurry in your marriage...and perhaps you both need to readdress what is acceptable and what are absolute dealbreakers for your family. If you don't spell certain things out...particularly concerning third parties outside of marriage...there may be some unexpected consequences.

BTW, buying a "friend" a comic that was already promised to you...WRONG! As a comic lover myself, that is a cardinal sin. Bad form!


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

lovelorn_wife said:


> I do think that my husband has created a fantasy but he insist he doesn't see her as a woman, the only thing I can do is to attempt and hope that is true.


This is drivel. Of course he sees her as a woman. I agree with the other posters. It's time for you to cut her out of the picture or see to it that he does it. Totally inappropriate behavior on his part.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> Lovelorn...I find it interesting that he hasn't really done much to hide his trail...so I wonder if he had been secretly hoping you would approve of his texting another woman. The fact that there are a couple instances of pronouncing his "love"...shows that boundaries are blurry in your marriage...and perhaps you both need to readdress what is acceptable and what are absolute dealbreakers for your family. If you don't spell certain things out...particularly concerning third parties outside of marriage...there may be some unexpected consequences.
> 
> BTW, buying a "friend" a comic that was already promised to you...WRONG! As a comic lover myself, that is a cardinal sin. Bad form!


I don't think I will ever get over the comic incident, I can never enjoy it again.

We have had a discussion about how I felt about him telling her that he loved her. He says it's a bro kind of love and that if she were a man it would be easier to be her friend. I did see that he apologized to her if there were any misunderstandings. I could be reading into it all too much or he could be feeding me and himself bs. Maybe I'm overly jealous. I really want to believe him and I do feel so awful doubting him.


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## Dontknowhow2love (Aug 13, 2010)

from what you said it is possible that it maybe more to him then her. I don't know only them and God knows the truth. I do think he is taking you for granted. I hope he realizes that you are his wife and on his side by being there for him. I really think you should tell him how you feel about the whole situation again and ask him where you stand in your relationship with him. have you considered getting a marriage counselor so that you can try to communicate better. If that don't work , you did say he's been in the hospital for depression he may have other issues. There must be a reason he feels he has to go to this woman and not you. (I am not putting the blame on you) He may have more psychological problems other then depression that should be addressed. Is he still seeing his psychologist and still on meds? maybe if he is not maybe he needs to be. I think I am just looking at things in a different angle because I am bipolar.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

Is she a sex webcam model?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

lovelorn_wife said:


> I could be reading into it all too much or he could be feeding me and himself bs. Maybe I'm overly jealous. I really want to believe him and I do feel so awful doubting him.


It's perfectly okay to be jealous in this scenario...but I wouldn't necessarily call it jealousy...it would more or less be your internal alarm system. Inside, this is causing you distress and pain...don't question it away.


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