# Don't sweat the small stuff: ok so what's small to you?!



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Thread title just about says it all - so many people say this, just saw it in another thread but folk are so different small might be 'don't move my ****** cigarettes' or 'don't speak to me like that in front of the kids' or 'I put up with the first three affairs but 4's one too many'(exaggeration for effect, I hasten to add)
by the way, I reckon it's probably quite a good maxim: just wish I knew a bit more accurately what it means!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I think the "small stuff" goes away on its own when the problems that make them seem big go away. Things that used to irritate me hugely that no longer do:

- When he asks me the same thing over and over, indicating that he was not listening to me when he asked the first three times.

- Saying he was going to do something then "fogetting" aka just not doing it.

- Leaving his dishes around. Funny thing is he accuses me of this. I have not done this in over 10 years. Geesh!

- Rough housing the kids immediately before bedtime.

Now we joke about these irritants rather than fight about them.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

And at the time they were irritants? How or when did you realise they weren't worth the hassle? Or do you actually still find them irritating, just recognise life goes on regardless?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Or as we say when we're driving, "It's amazing what you notice when you leave your guns at home!"


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

There's not much around us that irritates the other. But a few weeks ago, I got upset because she was making small decisions for me. For instance, I was looking at black sport coats which were right next to the blue ones. She said, "You already have a blue coat" in (what I thought was a aggravating tone). Later, I was putting on my brown shoes to go out and she said, "You have BLACK ones!" I asked her if my underwear were okay and if she thought my socks would work and then she got it. She apologized and we had a great evening. So repeated "small things" will eventually push me over, but usually, I just let it go.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> And at the time they were irritants? How or when did you realise they weren't worth the hassle?


I came to a board much like this one. I ranted and raved about all the things he SHOULD do. See, I irritated him with my small stuff too. AND we had some big stuff to worry about. I nagged and complained. I never felt like sex because he pissed me off so much. I whined that he was lazy, selfish and disrespecting me. And yah I guess he kinda was. 

But he had a different point of view. I was a nag and a shrew. What happened to that fun woman I married? Why does she have to be down on me all the time. Can't I do ANYTHING right? She used to love me, and now all she ever does is *****es at me. Lazy or not, would you be motivated if you felt like that.

But I did not see it until...


There were two people, a very rational, well spoken man and a really b!tchy woman. They both had the same message for me.

- I can't change, control or manipulate him. AND if I succeeded, I would not like the results. 

- I can change myself and hope to engender the love that will motivate him to want to meet my needs.

- I was stuck in a right fight. I believed that I was RIGHT that he should not leave dishes around. He has a right to want to clean up daily instead of immediately... I thought I was RIGHT that he SHOULD do his fair share of the housework. Really he had always lived in a pig sty. He did not value house work. He had every right to that value. It was not about who was RIGHT it should be about solving the problem.

- They taught me that the way men view sex, and my man was definitely like this, was different than the way I saw it. It was not the culminator of intimacy, it was the creator. (Love making up words.) Rejection of sex was not simply a rejection of physical release or a fun playtime but a rejection of HIM.

- The more things I required, the harder they would be for him to fullfil. If I could learn to self soothe/ self satisfy some of these requirements, then he could fill those of my needs that were part and parcel to our falling in love. When I looked closely, most of my needs WERE me being lacking in self confidence and needy. It is not his job to hold up my self esteem!

Learning all of this was a really interesting experience. And thankfully this was an unmoderated group because it took some harsh words. The woman called me names. That took me aback. Was I REALLY a nagging shrew?? I looked at DH long and hard and realized, yes I was! What a shock! So when I got over the shock, I started reading what these 2 were saying for understanding not just to defend to them why they were so wrong in my case.

So with this package of understanding, I was able to craft a set of behaviors that changed ME and engendered the kind of change I wanted in him.

- I started listening to what HE wanted and started trying with all my might to give it to him.

- I started lightening up on the things he did "disrespected" me. I soothed my own flagging self esteem.

- I started effective limit setting around house work and finances. 

Seeing a wife who cared for him, who tried to do everything HE wanted, he learned the same. 



> Or do you actually still find them irritating, just recognise life goes on regardless?


I do find them irritating still, but we use them as humor fodder instead. AND I recognize that he IS trying to do the things I ask him to do. But since they aren't HIM, by nature, it is not easy. And he teaches me by being more patient than I with the things I do that irritate him.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I came to a board much like this one. I ranted and raved about all the things he SHOULD do. See, I irritated him with my small stuff too. AND we had some big stuff to worry about. I nagged and complained. I never felt like sex because he pissed me off so much. I whined that he was lazy, selfish and disrespecting me. And yah I guess he kinda was.
> 
> But he had a different point of view. I was a nag and a shrew. What happened to that fun woman I married? Why does she have to be down on me all the time. Can't I do ANYTHING right? She used to love me, and now all she ever does is *****es at me. Lazy or not, would you be motivated if you felt like that.
> 
> ...


Yet another 'cut and paste' post! Thanks:smthumbup:
(I've already started with huge difficulty to accept my own shrewness so the process is under way - now I just have to convince HIM of that!)


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Yet another 'cut and paste' post! Thanks:smthumbup:
> (I've already started with huge difficulty to accept my own shrewness so the process is under way - now I just have to convince HIM of that!)


NO YOU DON'T! Over time he will not fail to see it, trust me. If not, a gentle hey I am not like that anymore. But if you have to CONVINCE him you are not a shew anymore, then you probably still are in HIS view. Just my 2 cents.

God I remember feeling like crying when I finally realized that I was wrong. I was willing to admit that I contributed to the problems in the marriage. But I could not see THAT. That was a really challenging fault to face/accept/admit to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mom6547 said:


> Learning all of this was a really interesting experience. And thankfully this was an unmoderated group because it took some harsh words. The woman called me names. That took me aback. Was I REALLY a nagging shrew?? I looked at DH long and hard and realized, yes I was!


I also love the fact the Moderation is not too strict here. I think sometimes HARSH can be good, it makes us think, question ourselves. Might be the only way to grab the attention of some. 

Great story!

The small stuff for me is -- sometimes I get upset with my husband because he is too quiet. Can you imagine having Fights about this, I have faught with my dear husband because he does not ask enough questions! This must sound really retarded to some. 

I LOVE communication, the give & take of it, it is not that he doesn't talk -of coarse he does, telling me stories at work, joking about his boss, what the guys say, interacting with the kids, etc. But I LOVE when others ask intellectual questions, dig deep, challenging each other mentally, spiritually, relationally, even ticking each other off is OK with me. 

I do this to him all the time (not the ticking off part -but this happens too), he is FINE with it (except when I get mad), he loves my "little girl in the candystore " attitude about different subjects , whatever I am into , he is a superb listener, but he is not a superb conversationalist. He is not a debator, a reader, a writer, even says THINKING makes his brain hurt. What do I do with that? [email protected]#$%^ 

I get more of this with my friends than I do with my husband. Probably why I love forums so much. He is just not geered THIS way. 

But it is SMALL in the scheme of our GOOD life toghether. We have so many other things in common, I need to not brow beat him about it, at least he loves to listen to me rattle on about anything on my mind (& he'll give his opinions when I ask), so I have freedom to pursue my yaking elsewhere & take it all back to him. I think it amuses him many times. 

We get along amazingly well. He rarely annoys me, and amazingly I rarely annoy him. He never lies, he is always on time, keeps his word, excellent helper & friend, affectionate always, always in a good mood , I have little to complain about really, so this is one of those small things -that I have allowed to become bigger than it should. 

Also I still wish he was rougher in bed- more of that bad boy thing going on, but a "Sensuous" Lover is to be praised & thankfor for. At least he loves sex. That wouldn't be a small thing for me.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> NO YOU DON'T! Over time he will not fail to see it, trust me. If not, a gentle hey I am not like that anymore. But if you have to CONVINCE him you are not a shew anymore, then you probably still are in HIS view. Just my 2 cents.
> 
> God I remember feeling like crying when I finally realized that I was wrong. I was willing to admit that I contributed to the problems in the marriage. But I could not see THAT. That was a really challenging fault to face/accept/admit to.


You sure? I mean I'm sure you ARE sure - I've read that kind of comment enough times; but what worries me is that to make the kind of progress I think we(I) can make I pretty much need him to TALK to me about the results of Love Busters, Love Languages, etc, which we've done - itself a MAJOR step by him because there's been little evidence he's prepared do do anything more than simply say we have to get on better day to day
It's been on my persuasion, urging,insistence or whatever word you care to choose, that we've got as far as doing LB, LL, etc - and I've tried to make it lighthearted and call it 'homework' (though this slightly backfires when he groans if I mention the very word so back to the drawing board on that one!) but I think it's the fact that I'm even slightly accepting my part in our poor relationship problems that I want him to see
maybe part of me wants brownie points for acknowledging it at last, though I also don't want to be seen or thought to be 'letting him off the hook' of stepping up to the plate for his issues too:scratchhead:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> You sure? I mean I'm sure you ARE sure - I've read that kind of comment enough times; but what worries me is that to make the kind of progress I think we(I) can make I pretty much need him to TALK to me about the results of Love Busters, Love Languages, etc, which we've done - itself a MAJOR step by him because there's been little evidence he's prepared do do anything more than simply say we have to get on better day to day


We did not happen to do it this way, though I have no reason to think this is a BAD thing. 

I think relationship talk is chick talk. It seems like an exercise in silly girl stuff to a lot of men. We are at least 10 years away from the "bad times" I talk about. We have just started talking about love languages and stuff. That is not to say they won't do it anyway. They do Valentines Day!

I KNEW about them. I used what *I* knew about them. I learned to see his love language spoken to me as love. I stopped loving busting him. I started depositing in his love bank. He never knew I was doing "love banking". He just saw me genuinely trying to make him happy. He responded with affection, lack of defensiveness and active listening.



> It's been on my persuasion, urging,insistence or whatever word you care to choose,


Nagging? 

Duck and cover. 

I don't know if he views it as nagging. Just throwing it out there.



> that we've got as far as doing LB, LL, etc - and I've tried to make it lighthearted and call it 'homework' (though this slightly backfires when he groans if I mention the very word so back to the drawing board on that one!) but I think it's the fact that I'm even slightly accepting my part in our poor relationship problems


Why would you only accept slightly? As Minchin says, in for a penny, in for a pound. 



> that I want him to see
> maybe part of me wants brownie points for acknowledging it at last, though I also don't want to be seen or thought to be 'letting him off the hook' of stepping up to the plate for his issues too:scratchhead:


Sounds like you are still in looking out for me mode and not all the way into how to I rock his world mode. Just a guess.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> (SNIPS)He just saw me genuinely trying to make him happy. He responded with affection, lack of defensiveness and active listening
> Nagging? Duck and cover.
> I don't know if he views it as nagging. Just throwing it out there.
> Why would you only accept slightly? As Minchin says, in for a penny, in for a pound.
> Sounds like you are still in looking out for me mode and not all the way into how to I rock his world mode. Just a guess.


I doubt he views it as nagging, though I get your drift 
I only said 'slightly' really as a writing style - I think I am accepting where I've gone adrift, it's more that I wonder if I should let him know (though part of me would be wary of being criticised for not accepting it sooner and another even more defensive part would strenuously object - largely internally, I should add - to any suggestion I've been single handedly responsible for our ills: I haven't, not by a long shot
How long do you think it took for him to draw the conclusion you were just trying to make him happy?
Finally, I suppose yes part of me as explained might be in self-defence mode (rather than looking out for me) and I think even I would admit I haven't got very far down the 'how I rock his world' mode, though I am trying!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

This is ALL what I struggle with everyday.

I also saw myself through his eyes and realized that I was the nagging shrew and b**tch he thought I was. So I have worked on trying to change that. This epiphany finally came to me early last week. 

So for the past 10 days I have not nagged, not been critical of anything he did (even when he was drinking and shouldn't have been), I have not tried to be clingy and needy. Just tried to be a loving wife (or what I thought was a loving wife).

None of this has worked - yet. He still claims (last night) that I don't care about him and love him. I could not get him to do the love languages quiz - so I don't know what his love language is and though I've tried out a couple of them, I'm not hitting on what the correct one is so that I can fill 'his love tank.' It's obvious, from his comments last night that I'm off-base with what I'm doing - but he won't talk to me about it and help me - so I continue to be aggravated as I'm working off of no information, misinformation and information that I have to come up with myself.

Urgggg...this makes my life extremely difficult. It's like having a heavyweight boxing fight with only ONE fighter - impossible.

I was again 'baited' into an argument and saying things I didn't want to say last night. At the time I didn't realize I was being biated, but this morning it was clear.

My husband said once again - it's all about you. I don't see where he's coming from. I've sacrificed, put my own wants and needs (including sexual needs) to the side to help him recover from his TBI, build his self-esteem, get his sexuality back and still he says it's all about me - simply because I wanted some alone time. 

Apparently I am selfish and self-centered and it's all about me when I want alone time with my husband ONCE in 8 days - yep, he's right - how could I be so inconsiderate that I want alone time with my husband 3 times in one month - geez, I'm such a selfish b**tch.

I just don't get it, it's getting old and I'm getting tired of the merry-go-round. I was rather proud of myself that I did issue an ultimatum and set a boundary - I informed him that I wouldn't live in a sexless marriage - that it was a deal breaker for me and if that's where we were headed (actually we're already there) - then when he was sober, we needed to have a talk.

So - ball in his court - damn - I just want to be happy and it feels to me like he doesn't and wants to drag me down with him and I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore.

Okay - sorry - totally off subject.

Little things that irritate me:

- Can't throw his clothes in the hamper, but has no problem throwing them on the floor NEXT to the hamper.
- Won't kiss me goodnight first (yes, this is petty) - but darnit, it bothers me.
- Won't always answer his phone, but if I don't answer mine - it couldn't be that I'm at work and busy - I MUST be ignoring him.

There are other things - but these are BIG things that bother me and that wasn't your question.

Thanks for letting me vent!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I think this all boils down to listing all the things you DON'T like about your spouse. Then from that, deciding which are things you can live with and which are things you can't live with. The things you can live with, are imperfections in your spouse that are tolerable, aka the small things. The things you can't live with are the ones that need to be negotiated and that pull your boat into unchartered territories. I do, also, think that the small things change. What was small 10 years ago might not be small anymore. OR vice versa.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i just compare things like, he didnt pick up the clothes..well, how dose this affect my life tomorrow?, in five years will i remember this?,

i have to be realistic about somethings, did it hurt my feelings that he didnt care to listen to me???!!! you bet...

will this affect world hunger?? will it stimulate the econmy?? no probly not, will it stop me from breathing?? no probly not. is it life threating?? no probly not......

if i can fix it, or just do it simply than i will let it go. i dont like to yell and fight or have silent time outs, so i will avoid conflict by letting a lot slide.

but i think it depends on the person, some cant let all the resentement build up and need to get it out...maybe ego wont let them be a "doormat" or be precived as a doormat.


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