# Marriage in trouble - advise?



## jasperlady (Jul 7, 2010)

Male or female perspective on my situation would be appreciated. I don't mind criticism as long as it's constructive.

Bear with me, this is going to be a long one...

When I was 19 I met a handsome, energetic, loving, funny and hard working guy. We had a whirlwind romance, fell in love hard and fast and 6 months later we were talking about starting a family together. About a month after that I got pregnant with our daughter. Another month after that his Father passed away from a brain tumor which he had for 17 years. At the time, we were living in his parents basement so as you can imagine, the impact of losing a parent was felt throughout the household. We were living with his Mom and his brother who was 18 or so at the time.

Now to this point there had been not one thing wrong with our relationship. We both enjoyed being out with our friends and spending time alone together. Things in the bedroom were hot as most new relationships are. Everything was in balance. After his Dad passed away, he fell into a deep depression, as did his Mother and Brother. He did not want to talk about it with me or his family but I would get woken up at night from his nightmares. I would try to be supportive and understanding but I feel that he shut that part of himself off - like he was trying to ignore everything he was feeling. 

Time progressed and the relationship that was once close between us and his family started to get distant and awkward. When I was about half way through my pregnancy we moved into our first apartment and started preparing for the new baby to come. I went from 135lbs to 200lbs by the end of my pregnancy and he went from 190lbs and all muscle to 280lbs. Things between us were still pretty good, other than the usual relationship hiccups, arguing over silly things and what not. But his attitude started to change, he would get short with me more often. I chalked it up to him dwelling on the death of his father, I encouraged him to talk to someone, maybe a counsellor but he wasn't interested in that. All this time I was understanding of the changes he was going through. 

Of course, I had a lot going on myself with my body changing and the thoughts of becoming a new Mom, but he tended to focus on himself a little more. However, the sex was still steamy as we neared our 1 year anniversary and we still loved eachother to no end. We got engaged and then my daughter was born. It was an exciting time for us.

Shortly after my daughter was born, she was still a small baby, I really noticed a change in him. I was on maternity leave and at home all day, he went to work full time. I got up for all the night feedings and never complained, but I was having a hard time handling my daughter who cried nonstop some days. I never felt like he appreciated or awknowledged my efforts. His mood would deteriorate and he would become short and quick to anger. Even with an infant - he would yell at her to stop crying, or get forceful with her. Not shake or abuse, but just quick jerking movements. It made me nervous and on more than one occassion his mother made notice of it to me. When we would bring it up to him he would tell us that he knows he does it and hates that he does, he would work harder to keep his cool and what not. Of course that never lasted more than a day or two and then the tension would resume.

At that point, our communication was quite good. We would talk most things through and feel better at the end of it. But now, when I reflect back on those conversations, it was always him promising he would change or do things differently, and then he never actually would. And this has been a pattern for us.

More time passed, when our daughter was 2 years old we decided to get married. In the few short months we planned our wedding, things started to fall apart between us. The arguing started to happen every day over everything. My feelings for him started to wain - we were more distant emotionally. It just wasn't a good time. We contemplated why we were even getting married in the first place. But after more talking, we concluded that we both did love eachother, we had a beautiful daughter and we were confident that this rough patch would pass. So we married. And a month after the wedding I became pregnant with our son.

During my 2nd pregnancy I had nearly no sex drive and I found my husband less and less appealing sexually. He had gained a significant amount of weight over the previous couple years and although it had never been an issue, it started to become one. I had lost all of my weight from the first pregnancy and didn't gain much for my 2nd. So I was feeling good about my body and bad about his. The sex was infrequent and when it did happen it was usually him begging and me giving in. And would never result in an orgasm for me which only made me less willing to give the next time he would ask.

During this time, we argued non-stop about everything. Neither of us could do anything right in eachothers eyes. And the frustration level was out of control. I think this is about the time I started to pull back emotionally from him. When we did talk things out, which was frequent, I was more resigned. Like I had given up - I didn't have much hope that things were going to change. Things usually ended with, "Well you say that now, but you've said it before."

Fast forward to my son being born, I decided to take a management position in the apartment we lived in to help with the income. My husband took time off for parental leave as I wasn't eligible for maternity since I hadn't been working. So we helped eachother out managing the apartment block. We decided after having the same problems for over a year that we should seek couples counselling. So we did. We were optimistic at first that this was what we needed - but in the end it didn't help at all. We would leave our sessions feeling good about what we talked about, and then we would get home and fall right back into the routine of arguing and pointing fingers. So the counselling was not a success.

The following year was a mix of ups and downs. For a couple weeks things would be good, really good. And then it would steep down again. My husband developed an even worse temper. Yelling at our children on a daily basis over nothing really. His solution to everything became yelling and demeaning comments. Our daughter is now 4 and our son is 2 - if my son is doing something wrong like touching something he shouldn't - my husbands first response is to yell at him, then yank whatever it is out of his hand. When my son begins to cry because he is scared and startled, my husband says to him, "Stop crying like a little girl" That is just one example of the day to day comments that he makes to our kids. I can see it is having an effect on them. They cower when he makes sudden movements. It's not that he is physically abusing them, but he definitely is emotionally. I worry what effect this will have on them in the future. My family and his family has noticed him behaving this way and express to me that it's not right. It gets chalked up to, 'He's really uptight' or something along those lines. But I can sense the looks people give him and me when he acts that way.

My feelings for him are nearly gone. I love him with all my heart as a friend. As someone who knows me in and out - but he is a roommate to me. And one that is making life more difficult. I feel no attraction to him anymore. I have talked to him about this several times, I have told him I was going to leave in the past and he has begged me to stay and see if he can change. I'm done giving him chances. I feel like I've fallen into a rut that I just can't get out of. I can't see myself having a future with him. And that's disappointing for so many reasons, mainly my children. But after all this time, I'm starting to act like him. I'm getting short with the kids, yelling when it's not necessary and I hate it. I hate that his actions are effecting me this way. I don't want to be like that. But when you live in an environment that is tense and stressful and you feel like you are walking on eggshells every day - how do you not fall in to those habits?

That being said. I am not perfect. I understand I have played my part in this. But honestly for me, I can accept all of his faults and shortcomings - except his treatment of the children. And I'm not sure that will change when I leave, as I don't intend to keep the kids from him. They love their Daddy. But I hope that when I do leave, he will reflect upon what has happened over the years and what led him to this point. And I really hope that he sees the changes he needs to make - and makes them.

Now to get to the other part of my story. While managing the apartment block, I moved in a tenant. Tall, dark, handsome. Him and I had a connection immediately. My husband and him also hit it off. So it became a regular routine that he would drop by in the evenings and play video games with my husband, or they would go out. We started to hang out with a new group of people we met through him. But I started to think about this guy all the time - the way I felt around him. And I didn't even know if he was interested but I refused to believe he wasn't. There was no way I was imagining the connection I felt with him. After a couple of private conversations between him and I, we both confessed that we had a 'thing' for eachother but that we could never act on it. He said he could never do that to a friend - but the flirting continued. One day I was going shopping and had the urge to see him. I stopped in at his place - we sat on opposite sides of the couch fighting the inevitable - until finally we gave in and spent an hour in bed together. Immediately after we felt horrible. My husband didn't deserve this was all I could think about - but that didn't stop our rendevous from happening two more times after that. So that was three times over the past 7 months. All the while, him and my husband still hang out - and him and I hang out with our other friends. And we have kept it all a secret. 

Now, this man has told me that if I ever left my husband we would have no future. He has no interest in being a part of breaking up a family or crushing a friend. I know he feels a lot of guilt over what we have been doing. But he still does it. And I think about him all the time. I don't want to leave my husband for this man. I want to leave my husband for the whole list of reasons stated above. I just can't help fantasize about him when I haven't felt this for so long. The last few years have felt lonely for me - to have an injection of passion and lust was refreshing. It reminds me that I can still feel again - I just need to find the right person for me.

If anyone has any insights or thoughts, I'm all ears.


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## jasperlady (Jul 7, 2010)

Does anyone have anything for me? Throw me a bone here! lol


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

A lot of information but here is an abridged response.

One, your husband needs anger management counseling not marriage counseling at this point. Make him aware this is a deal breaker for you. Get help or get out.

Your affair only further distances you from your husband. I do not condone your husband's actions but your view of him is further jaded by your infatuation with TOM. End all contact with him at once. His falling on his sword because he doesn't want to cause the failure of a marriage is BS. By sleeping with you he already crossed that boundary. His statement that he won't have a future with you if you leave your husband is a thin veil for "I like things just the way they are, I have by video buddy and my f**k-buddy." Don't kid yourself you are being played, big time!!! 

I abhor your husband's treatment of the kids, and yes they will be damaged because of it. Get him help, get out of the affair by what ever means you have to then work on the marriage. This marriage is a broken bottle on the beach, sooner or later.....


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## jasperlady (Jul 7, 2010)

Amplexor,

Thank you for your input. I have at least twice before told him he needs to seek personal help to cope with his issues and his anger. He went to one session and then told me that we need couples counselling - he doesn't seem to awknowledge that he has issues that need to be addressed. So what does that mean by your advise? Get help or get out...well I gave him his tries to get help and he's not. So I guess I get out at this point?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Find a friend or family member you can spend some time with. Pack up the kids and leave. Tell him you'll be back when he shows serious commitment to improve himself. Sometimes spouses need a 2x4 to the head to get the message through.


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## jasperlady (Jul 7, 2010)

I was considering finding an apartment in the area. But I may consider your advise. That would be a temporary solution anyway - see if he gets the message. I really wish he could be the man I fell in love with and not this miserable guy. However, I am afraid that the love is gone and we won't be able to get it back.


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