# Need help/suggestion



## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Hi,

I and my wife are married for 3.5 years, and we have a daughter. 
My wife doesn't like to have sex, she never did from day one. She mostly rejects and will go to any extend to avoid sex. There are very limmited things in the bed, I am allowed to do, if I get a chance to have sex. 

For example, I am not allowed to even touch her boobs untill she is fully seduced, which happens once in a blue moon. No licking or kissing, we never had a proper kiss (with tongue) as she doesn't like it. 

If we do get a chance to have sex then she would just lie down completely expressionless, static without any movement or emotions. 

And then will even ask me to do it quickly as she is getting tired. 

She would never initiate the sex, its only me who would initiate and even then I would be rejected atleast 90% times. And if she says no and some how I keep doing it then she would get up slam the door and go to the other room to sleep or won't let me touch and may be shout at me.

I am very loving guy, she is also loving, but not expressive at all. In the whole period of time, she never even kissed me, unless I asked her to, and mostly if she is working in the kitchen and I come to kiss her, she would turn her face away and may be let me kiss her on her cheeks.

Our sexual life is disturbing me alot and I have tried to talk to her, and what I have always got is, "you have more desire than me, I don't know what should I do about it".

Any suggestions ???????


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## Shake-N-Bake (Jul 10, 2012)

Man that sounds simply horrible! Just a question, if you knew this going into the marriage then why did you not see if you could work it out before you guys got hitched? Does she seem insecure about her sexuality? Do you think maybe she was abused or sheltered in her youth? With women, I have learned, it is more mental than physical. I can't imagine you not having kissed her. I think you guys need to go to a counselor and figure this out. Stand up and be a man! If she is going to take away your masculinity like this, how long are you going to put up with it? Instead of physically trying to have sex with her at night, talk to her. Find out what makes her feel like a woman. Poking and prodding pisses my wife off. For me, foreplay begins when I wake up in the morning(by showing attention and appreciation), and if I'm lucky by the end of the night she is ready for some action in the bedroom. She has never been much for the ol' rollover and rub.

Go to 5lovelanguages.com and do their survey. Have her do it to. Once you find out how you both show and feel loved, you will have a better idea how/if she is showing you love in her own way.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Thanks Shake-N-Bake ....... 

I didn't know m wife before marrying her .... we first met after getting married. (LONG STORY) And I am pretty sure she never got abused or sheltered. 
In the rest of the things she is very nice, and caring but she is almost completely non-sexual. I try to help her in everything I can ..... in house holds and name it. But if I do one small thing wrong (which could be anything) she will get angry and stop even talking to me. ......... 

If I am doing the foreplay ( I said I, because she won't do anything in foreplay, instead of stopping my hands from touching her where she doesn't want me to touch) Thant means, she will keep her hands near her boobs so that if my hand comes near them then she can shed my hand off. 

And in during foreplay or even when I think she is seduced and wanna start having sex, .... at that point if I accidently touch her somewhere she doesn't want me to touch then its over. .... that means we are not going anywhere further and she will turn to the other side and sleep without even thinking I had a boner and am still seduced.

I love to give the oral and I am very good at that, but she had never let me do it ...... and that pisses me off even more.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Needy - forgive me if I am over stepping the line here, but you say you didnt know your wife before marrying her.

This leads me to believe that it was an arranged marriage. In cultures that arrange marriages both sets of parents try to ensure as best a match as possible.....Your wifes mother will have explained a wifes 'responsibilities' to her daughter....and your father will have explained your responsibilities as a father to you.

If your/her parents were involved in the matchmaking, then maybe you could turn to them for help?

If I am totally off the mark here, forgive me.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

7737 ...... 

You are 100 %ly right, it was arranged. But we both are well educated. And I did have a few girl friends before getting married.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think, even in an arranged marriage, you could use a bit of alpha. Pick up no more mr nice guy and married man sex life books. Start taking control. Be the man.


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## kingsfan73 (May 20, 2012)

I'm not 100% convinced of your veracity...this all sounds too...out there. But in happenstance I am incorrect, the previous poster said what I was going to say. You are the man in the relationship. You are the one who needs to take control of the situation and make this work, if that is what you want. I'm not well versed in the area of arranged marriages so I cannot speak intelligently about the subject. I will assume that divorce is out of the question. So if this is going to work, you need to pull up your skirt, grab your balls and tell your wife she needs to learn how to f**k you the right way. This BS about not touching/kissing her is unacceptable. Your wifes body belongs to you and yours to her. It is a scriptural commandment. Physical touch and intimacy is a requirement not a choice. Tell her I said it was ok for you to do whatever you want. That usually works. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Hi,

I do agree what you are saying kingsfan ...... but I have tried everything, I have tried to explain her with love, I have tried to explain her with anger, I have even said, its gonna ruin our relationship and I even think of having an illegitmiate relationship with someone else ...... and her respond has been "sure, if you want to keep someone only for sex, its fine with me" ...... once I got angry and said I am gonna do it no matter what ..... and obviously she didn't even move but left the room and didn't even talk to me for almost a week. ..........

I have tried to remain angry and not to talk to her to prove how important is sex for me, but nothing, it feels like she takes it as a relief that I am not asking her for sex. ........... 

So tell me how else can I explain it to her and convince her that it is so important for me????? Thats actually the suggestion/help I need.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Um, getting mad and sulking for a week is not what we mean by manning up.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Not me she kept angry and didn't talk to me for a week. So can you please suggest what should I do? and how can I resolve this issue, its effecting my personal life my professional life and my life over all.


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## kingsfan73 (May 20, 2012)

Ok, so now it's time for you to answer a question. What do YOU think you need to do? Because it sounds to me like you already have the answer and you're just looking for approval.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

I think I need to talk to her, once again, in detail and tell her that this is going to ruin our relationship. I don't want to be your roommate but your husband and we cannot attain that unless we both participate and sooth each other, just cooking food, or keeping my house clean is not gonna make me happy.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Needy...as it was arranged, I am guessing that divorce is very taboo in your culture.

You could try 'demanding' that you wife gives you what you rightly deserve from your wife (including sex) providing of course that you are giving HER what she rightly deserves from her husband.

If this fails that I would strongly suggest that you inform your parents (ie the people who arranged the marriage) that you intend to divorce, and tell them why.
They will go straight to your wifes parents (as 'co-arrangees') to discuss.
Your mother in law will I am sure have words with your wife.

I have alot of time for arranged marriages....parents take alot of time making sure their sons and daughters are as compatible as possible....many work and are very successful, happy marriages...some don't.

Neither sets of parents will want to live with the 'stigma' (in their particular culture/society) of a divorce because they got it wrong.

Good luck.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

7737 .... I did talk to my mother and she was furious but she said, as I am the man of the family so I should work it out myself, and how the hell is this possible that she is doing that. 

So she suggested to assert myself and just do it ........ 

Doesn't help as I have done that and found a big time resistance and negative outcome, like of no interaction or even communication for dayssss, after that.

And secondly, except sex, our (mine and my wife's) relationship is very good, and we try to resolve every problem within ourselves and it will break her heart big time if I took it to her family or mother, or even to my family. And I don't want to lose our relationship or make it even worst, as getting seperated is not even an option not because of culture or society but because of my kid. I don't want my kid to suffer or to live with only one parent and I can bare any thing for that.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Needy...you've been married 3-4 years from memory, unless you act now...like put the chips on the table and tell your wife she needs to 'woman' up etc then I can assure you it will only get worse and you will get more hurt, angry and resentful.

I presume that you are being the 'perfect' husband...?


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

I don't know if I am the perfect husband but I do try to, and I have even asked my wife if I was a good husband and if there is anything she want me to change in me, and her answer had always been, you are the perfect husband one can ever have. 

And I know its not that she doesn't love me, she loves me like anything, but she is not an expressive woman, she would never say it or show it physically, and thats the issue as I am a very expressive person and very easy to be pleased, one small kiss on the cheek out of blue will make my day or even a week.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Well, perhaps you wife is like mine (and many others)...she loves you, wants to be with you and will do anything for you...except have sex with you because she simply doesnt like it...and because she doesnt like it she is completely oblivious to your sexual needs/desires etc.

The choices are simple...(in order of preference!)

Make her change
Simply accept it
Divorce
Get sexual relief elsewhere


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Thanks for the suggestion 7737 .... 

Simply accept it (Not a way to go)
Divorce (No question I won't go for that in any case)
Get sexual relief elsewhere (Not my thing, I am not a cheating kinda guy .... My body and sexual emotions belong to my wife and no one else)

So the option is "Make her Change" ..... Which brings me back to the basic question "HOW", what should I do to make her change. I don't want to be harsh on her, I don't want to force her, I have tried to ask her, I have tried to ignore her and show my anger in a quite and ignoring way ..... doesn't work.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Needy....find the answer to that one and you could sell it...make alot of money and make alot of men very happy indeed!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Was she a virgin when you married?

You need to figure out if she has sexual desire and sexual attraction. Some people do not - a sexual orientation know as "asexual." It is a very small percent of the population but it does exist. Google it. You can only uncover this possiblity by talking to her. She could also be attracted to women only.

If she does have sexual desire/attraction, then sadly she may not have it for you. There are things you both can do to increase desire for you & you can read some of the suggestions here & also there are plenty of books on increasing desire.

You sound like you love your W very much & want to stay together but living in a sexless marriage is very painful for you. Good luck.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Hi Emerald ..... She was virgin when we got married.

I have tried to talk to her about it and she said, she doesn't have alot of desire for sex, according to her she does feel like having sex but very very very rarely .... may be once in 3 or 4 months. So in between if she does it then she just does it for me, to fullfill her duty as a wife ....... 
And yes I do Love my WIFE ALOT ...... and I want to stay together with her but this sexless or emotionless sex life is actually killing me inside.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Needy - you have your answer. She isnt interested in sex. Its not that she doesn't love you etc.

Its like a vegetarian....eating a tiny piece of chicken once in a while so as not to offend the host.

Your wife might suddenly become unsatiable when she hits the menopause...but thats a bit of a way off yet.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It would be great if she desired sex as much as you. She doesn't. It's her right to not like sex. It's not her right (morally) to refuse 90% of the time and still consider herself a wife. Do you go to work only on days you really feel like it? Would she accept your behavior if you only went to work twice a month because you just really didn't find your job enjoyable? If you acted like that would you still be a real husband? If you just decided to quit supporting her financially, would she just sit accept your neglect? Neither should you accept hers.


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