# What's going on with my husband?



## Reality Girl (Apr 20, 2020)

My husband and I have been married for 20 years, we have 3 wonderful kids, own a small business and live a decent life. I knew him 8 years prior to dating him for he was my brother's best friend. Over the years I not only have been through a lot in my family but also in my marriage, doing a lot of research I've come to find out my husband is possibly a narcissist. At the beginning of our marriage he would constantly compare me with other women and it drove me to getting cosmetic surgery twice, something I told myself I would never do! But I wanted him to except me so I've done everything I can think of, also he isolated me for the first 15 years of our marriage, he didn't want me to be with friends and family or go to a store alone. I lost my mom in 2012, to this day I feel guilty for not having enough time with her! In 2017 I decided it was enough, I told him I wasn't having it anymore. We are still together for he doesn't want to split the family up and neither do I, my kids mean the world to me!

My husband has always been into pornography, and he had numerous sex accounts, my oldest daughter accident discovered the first one and I later found a lot more, he had some that listed one on one or group sex. After that and some of his behaviors have me questioned his sexuality. He shaves his privates which doesn't bother me but we don't have sex! He changed his underwear to "the best underwear" but now refuses to wear them, instead he wears lose soft fabric shorts and pants (not jeans) and lately he's been sitting a lot with his legs spread to the max! He doesn't talk about women anymore and honestly I don't really notice him checking them out anymore either! What does this mean??


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Wow. Welcome to TAM. Sorry you're here, as is said.

It sure seems like there are a lot of things going on at once in your married life.

Narcissistic H
M 15 yrs while H continued to ogle women. 
Isolation feeling
Feel compulsed to plastic surgery.
Lost mother (sorry for your loss).
No sex with H
Porn (H)
H different clothes
H surprising new attitudes and characteristics.

A lot to ponder on.

More to come, hang in there. This is a helpful forum.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

On the quick, he's insecure, with his penis size, and shaves it to make himself look bigger, and is also insecure about his shortcomings in the act it's self. Maybe his porn is why he's living out make believe fantasy's where he's approached by a hot and needy lover. He's living a dream.

Is he watching gay porn? If so he's could be a closet gay, but because of the lack of desire with a woman who wants to please him makes me think he's may a choice of a different kind. The gay kind. If he's not really checking out women he could be fishing for men. 

Welcome and sorry your here.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Which of those issues are you most concerned about? Or all of them?

honestly I would be concerned with any of them... but all of them added together and you’re married to a serious jerk.

are you trying to stay married to him?


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## Reality Girl (Apr 20, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> On the quick, he's insecure, with his penis size, and shaves it to make himself look bigger, and is also insecure about his shortcomings in the act it's self. Maybe his porn is why he's living out make believe fantasy's where he's approached by a hot and needy lover. He's living a dream.
> 
> Is he watching gay porn? If so he's could be a closet gay, but because of the lack of desire with a woman who wants to please him makes me think he's may a choice of a different kind. The gay kind. If he's not really checking out women he could be fishing for men.
> 
> Welcome and sorry your here.


Honestly, I don't know! I haven't caught him in quite awhile now, either he's not doing it anymore or he's doing it during work hours away from home.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am sorry, this sounds really bad. But if you are not divorcing "for the kids's sake", think it through again for couple reasons:

they are learning how relationship works from observing two of you
his behavior around the house


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## Reality Girl (Apr 20, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> Which of those issues are you most concerned about? Or all of them?
> 
> honestly I would be concerned with any of them... but all of them added together and you’re married to a serious jerk.
> 
> are you trying to stay married to him?


I do want to stay married to him for the sake of my kids. Honestly I don't understand, I don't want to brag with my self but I'm not an unattractive woman, I'm 5'3" 118 lbs long brown hair and light brown eyes... I've always taken care of my body and had 2 surgeries to be more exceptable for him! I'm 38 years old and most people think I'm in my 20's, I get hit on all the time from men. Like I said I don't want to sound conceited or brag, I just wanted to give you a little idea of what's going on. If it would of started the last few years I would say I did something wrong but it started the week we got married! He has never had the respect for me that a married couple should, even when I had my babies I had quite a bit of complications during pregnancies and it made him mad. One of my babies was in the NICU for the first month and I almost lost her. I could go on and on...my point is I don't know what to do anymore! One more thing, I have never slept with anyone else besides him he was my first.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Reality Girl said:


> I do want to stay married to him for the sake of my kids.


Oh please. Stop using your kids as an excuse to stay with your abuser. i can see right through you. If your kids were grown and out of the house you'd just be using some *other* bull-**** excuse to cling to him.

All you've done for this POS is allow him to bully you and degrade you and control you and destroy your self esteem and distance you from your friends and family. Yeah, he's quite the catch, OP. When your mother died back in 2012, you should have left this loser when you *finally* had a moment of clarity and *realized *your desperation in clinging to this abuser had cost you time with your mother that you can never get back.

And here you are *STILL* desperately clinging to him like grim death, even though you know the useless POS can't even show you the rspect most of us show the common house fly.

Do yourself a favor and start reading up on co-dependency. You have a severe case of it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> I am sorry, this sounds really bad. But if you are not divorcing "for the kids's sake", think it through again for couple reasons:
> 
> they are learning how relationship works from observing two of you
> his behavior around the house


They all use this excuse. They just use different excuses when they have no kids or their kids are grown. This excuse just sounds so much more noble, is all.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Reality Girl;

May I sincerely suggest marriage counseling. You talk about his anger at your pregnancy, your feeling of a lack of respect, your lack of sex and intimacy. 

Those are all tough issues to work through as a couple without help. 

You say you are staying for your children. What does that mean to you? What does it mean to your H?

Have you and your H talked about your future, your dreams? What do you want to do in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? What kind of relationship do you envision in each of those time frames? What happens when your kids leave home, do you still plan on being together? What happens to you and your H when your children fall in love and have families of their own and perhaps move to other parts of the country? What is it that you want for your life and what is it that your H want's for his life?

Good luck.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Reality Girl said:


> I do want to stay married to him for the sake of my kids. Honestly I don't understand, I don't want to brag with my self but I'm not an unattractive woman, I'm 5'3" 118 lbs long brown hair and light brown eyes... I've always taken care of my body and had 2 surgeries to be more exceptable for him! I'm 38 years old and most people think I'm in my 20's, I get hit on all the time from men. Like I said I don't want to sound conceited or brag, I just wanted to give you a little idea of what's going on. If it would of started the last few years I would say I did something wrong but it started the week we got married! He has never had the respect for me that a married couple should, even when I had my babies I had quite a bit of complications during pregnancies and it made him mad. One of my babies was in the NICU for the first month and I almost lost her. I could go on and on...my point is I don't know what to do anymore! One more thing, I have never slept with anyone else besides him he was my first.


fir the sake of your kids? Well for their sake show them what a Mom looks like when she respects herself!

the kids will STILL have a relationship with you and with him - you just won’t be married.

it’s not the end of the world - in fact it’s appropriate a great if you stand up for yourself.

the way it is - by example you are teaching your kids that someone can walk all over them yet they stay in that relationship. A better example would be showing your kids when any person isn’t treated with respect and honesty - you leave that relationship!

stop fooling yourself that it’s the right thing to stay - you’re honoring yourself when you leave any situation like this!


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