# What am I doing



## Hope Shimmers

I was going to post this in the singles thread, but figured it would be more likely to show up here. 

I drove across the country to my hometown (Midwest) for Christmas and New Year's. Long story short, I spent some time with a man who I last saw decades ago. I knew at that time (from friends) that he had a crush on me. But what I didn't know is that he apparently still does. He is single.

He asked me if he could take me to the NYE party. When we walked in, he had me in front of him with his arms around me and a smile for his friends. The entire time at the party, he never let go of my hand. He laughed and joked with others, but his eyes barely left mine.

He is SO quiet. After the party he took me to one of the houses he restored (he restores Victorian houses) and I offered to help him stage it. So we spent the next 2 days going to furniture antique consignment stores where we bought some beautiful pieces for next to nothing - which he can use to stage other houses on down the road.

So our date lasted three days - continuously :yay:

I feel kind of like you @ne9907. I'm so comfortable around this guy, he makes me feel safe. He makes me feel respected and yes, loved. I know it is really fast, so I'm taking it slow. I'm attracted to him though. I just can't deal with getting hurt again.

Today I drove back to the south where I live right now. He did the most amazing thing. He knew what radio station I would be listening to, and he knew when I left. He somehow got the radio station to play a dedication from him to me. I am not sure who he paid or how he did it, but this station does not do this, particularly in the middle of the morning. 

He never even told me he was going to do it. That is the class act that he is. It isn't about him, as far as he's concerned. That is so different than what I have experienced before this, that I can't put it into words.

Anyway, I was driving along and suddenly I heard the dedication (using his first name and mine). The message wasn't much in terms of sentimental because he isn't that type of guy (in public). But he said... it was worth the wait, and the best 3 days ever, and he is counting the days until next time. That was it.

But the song he chose. He could not have chosen a more perfect song, something that meant the world to me. And I haven't yet told him about my last relationship and how bad it was, how I felt unloved, how I almost always had to beg to get him to even talk to me, and then it would end in a fight. He didn't know.

I heard the first line and then the second line (I know the song) and I don't have words. I wasn't crying, but halfway through I realized tears were running down my face. This man seems to be able to view my soul. That piercing dark gaze. He seems to be able to see my heart. He knows what I want and need and what I want to offer. How did he KNOW?

I don't have words for what that meant. That he could see through me and read me like a book, and that he wanted to be that for me. And now it's all I can think about. It scares the hell out of me.


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## Hope Shimmers

Here's the song.






"No matter where you go, you know you're not alone"

"And when you're weak I'll be strong
I'm gonna keep holding on
Now don't you worry, it won't be long
Darling, and when you feel like hope is gone
Just run into my arms"

Someone wants to take care of ME?


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## sokillme

This is nice you should enjoy it for a little but remember just take it slow. 

I don't want to through cold water, and what this man did is very nice, but once you start thinking long term then you need to see what he does when it's hard. How does he treat you when he is no longer trying to impress you. When he knows he has you does he still do the long drive? How does he treat people when there is nothing in if for him. 

I say for now enjoy having someone giving you some attention, and you pay attention to his character.


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## Hope Shimmers

sokillme said:


> This is nice you should enjoy it for a little but remember just take it slow.
> 
> I don't want to through cold water, and what this man did is very nice, but once you start thinking long term then you need to see what he does when it's hard. How does he treat you when he is no longer trying to impress you. When he knows he has you does he still do the long drive? How does he treat people when there is nothing in if for him.
> 
> I say for now enjoy having someone giving you some attention, and you pay attention to his character.


Thank you. Very good point. I'm taking it very slow. Throw cold water all you want; that's why I posted - so that I could keep things in perspective.

Nothing seems to be hard for him. I said something about an LDR and how hard they are, and he just shrugged and said, "We are good here for awhile" (very similar to lyrics of that song, now I find out). I'm used to my ex making everything all about the LDR. Instead Darrin said, "I think we're doing okay for now." Nothing seems to phase him, he doesn't freak out, he is confident. 

He treats people with quiet respect. Because he is a class act. He doesn't need to be loud. His demeanor says all he needs to say.

As for the "long drive", he has already said he would come here. But for the next time we see each other, he suggested that we meet in Las Vegas for a few days and to see Diana Ross live. It happens to fall on Valentine's Day.  

We will see. He's not a stranger. His best friend Christopher is my mom's next door neighbor and also a long-time friend of mine. Christopher treats me like a little sister. He would never let me go forward with someone he did not have complete confidence in.


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## sokillme

Hope Shimmers said:


> Thank you. Very good point. I'm taking it very slow. Throw cold water all you want; that's why I posted - so that I could keep things in perspective.
> 
> Nothing seems to be hard for him. I said something about an LDR and how hard they are, and he just shrugged and said, "We are good here for awhile" (very similar to lyrics of that song, now I find out). I'm used to my ex making everything all about the LDR. Instead **** said, "I think we're doing okay for now." Nothing seems to phase him, he doesn't freak out, he is confident.
> 
> He treats people with quiet respect. Because he is a class act. He doesn't need to be loud. His demeanor says all he needs to say.
> 
> As for the "long drive", he has already said he would come here. But for the next time we see each other, he suggested that we meet in Las Vegas for a few days and to see Diana Ross live. It happens to fall on Valentine's Day.
> 
> We will see. He's not a stranger. His best friend Christopher is my mom's next door neighbor and also a long-time friend of mine. Christopher treats me like a little sister. He would never let me go forward with someone he did not have complete confidence in.


Side note you posted his name not sure if you want that there. 

All of what you said is good, but for a long term relationship the thing that makes the difference is character. Character makes you do the hard thing because it is the right thing. You can't get a feel for character until situations show up that force him to prove his. Going to shows and making long drives are fun when the relationship is new. Also your feelings for him my be colored a little by the fact that this is new and fun for you, so as far as you are concerned right now he can do no wrong. This is why it is important that you don't rush to make any long term commitments. Let the newness where off some so you can see him without the love/lust colored glasses. And he will stop seeing you that way too. Then does he still make the long drive. Meaning does he still want to put in all the work, and is he still showing you that he has honor.

In the mean time enjoy it.


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## Hope Shimmers

sokillme said:


> Side note you posted his name not sure if you want that there.
> 
> All of what you said is good, but for a long term relationship the thing that makes the difference is character. Character makes you do the hard thing because it is the right thing. You can't get a feel for character until situations show up that force him to prove his. Going to shows and making long drives are fun when the relationship is new. Also your feelings for him my be colored a little by the fact that this is new and fun for you, so as far as you are concerned right now he can do no wrong. This is why it is important that you don't rush to make any long term commitments. Let the newness where off some so you can see him without the love/lust colored glasses. And he will stop seeing you that way too. Then does he still make the long drive. Meaning does he still want to put in all the work, and is he still showing you that he has honor.
> 
> In the mean time enjoy it.


Thank you.

This is not new and fun for me. It is much more than just going to shows and long drives. I guess I didn't do a great job of explaining the background.

I am just out of a HORRIBLE 1.5 year relationship with a man who was the polar opposite of this man. And believe me, I don't think he can do no wrong. BTDT. I never expected this to happen.

He has honor. And he proved it this week.

And no, he would not mind his first name being on here, which is why I posted it.

But I will take your advice not to rush, and I appreciate it. Thanks again.


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## Cooper

It sounds like you two already had a mini honeymoon! I think everyone knows it's difficult to maintain that level of romance long term, I say enjoy it for what it is while it is, no expectations, no thinking he's mister perfect, just enjoy the experience of being happy.

Also realize the guy you knew is from "decades ago", and the girl he knew and had a crush on was also from "decades ago". Neither of you are the same person today, don't let nostalgic emotions cloud your vision, take time and get to know the current each other.

But good for you, great way to start the new year!


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## 225985

Did you make it home yet in the flooded Lexus?


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## arbitrator

*This all sounds so wonderful and potentially promising! As some of my other cohorts have intoned, take your sweet time in reconnecting and getting to know him!

But regarding his sudden reappearance into your life, at the end of the day, please know that "God does move in strange and mysterious ways!"

Pray earnestly about it before making any decision! And you will come to know if it is indeed the right one!

May God bless you both! *


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## plomito

Like other before me said, take your time but enjoy it. I somewhat know the feeling coming out of a bad relationship and you meet somebody that treats you different and shows love and care. 
Take your time and enjoy the moment, don't let past experiences cloud your judgment and I personally believe you deserve a shot to happiness. If he waited all this years for you, I know for a fact this person will do his best to win your heart. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bananapeel

I kind of like the idea of reconnecting with an old friend that had a romantic interest in you. While people do change throughout their life, I think a lot their character is developed early on. It is hard enough to get to know people since they don't often show entirely who they are, but it is comforting to have known someone when they were younger before all their walls came up. Good luck with this one, Hope. At least it is starting in a positive direction.


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## GuyInColorado

Don't wait long before seeing him again. If he's really into you, he'll drive down next weekend. If the spark continues, don't be afraid to see how you both are compatible in the bed.

If it all goes to plan, sounds like you have a promising future relationship.


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## jorgegene

"Thought I'd been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

It's real love
Yes it's real, yes it's real love
It's real, yes it's real love..." (John Lennon)

maybe too early to tell, but here's hoping you have found 'real love'!


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## Spicy

Hope....Shimmer away.

I left a very unhappy marriage, and once I decided to date, met my DH within 2 weeks. The connection from day one was off the charts. The qualities that I observed at the beginning of the relationship were the ones I was looking for in a mate (the things that were missing in my XH.) 

I agree, you have to try to take things slow, and use caution. At the same time, we are not 20 anymore. We have life experience. We know what we want this time around. What's so wrong with falling head over heels for someone? It feels wonderful! We deserve that after years of misery. So enjoy it. Guess what? Those qualities I saw on our first date, and early days together, are all real. They are the reason I fell in love, and that love is that much deeper now, years later. So enjoy yourself. You are a smart woman. You will be cautious, but also enjoy this wonderful thing known as falling in love! I'm happy for you, and he is a lucky dude!


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## Hope Shimmers

Thanks so much everyone for the support and for listening to me 

I am flying high but also very cautious. I know he would drive or fly out here next weekend if I asked him, and I kind of got the feeling that maybe he was waiting for me to ask. I would love to see him, but I feel like it is so much so fast. I'm scared that it will all disappear.

I wanted 2017 to be my year, but I never dreamed it would happen the very first day of the year.

He and I didn't know each other very well 20+ years ago. So it would be more accurate to say that he had a crush on me rather than being "in love" with me. I barely knew him. I just remember that our mutual friends kept telling me he was totally head over heels for me. Once at a wedding reception Christopher's wife (Chris is his best friend) was drunk and she was talking LOUDLY about this man and how he was in love with me. She kept going on and on. 

He asked me if I would go with him to Vegas in February for a few days, to play around and to see Diana Ross live. I asked him which days in February and he said "the middle". Now I find out that the concert is February 14th.  Why not just say "Valentine's day"? That's the kind of stuff that confuses me about him. I feel like he can read my mind but I have no idea what's in his head.
@blueinbr .... the flood car drove all the way here like a dream. Maybe this will be my year after all.


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## Spicy

Enjoy it!!! Seriously, you are mirroring my experience. DH and I booked a trip to Vegas after a week or so of dating. We were there and we had only been together a month. I didn't even realize it was that fast until I looked back at FB photos! When I realized it later I was like...OMG, we planned a trip together that fast?!? We had a blast! You will too!!! Don't over analyze too much. Let it happen. :smthumbup:


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## Hope Shimmers

Spicy said:


> Enjoy it!!! Seriously, you are mirroring my experience. DH and I booked a trip to Vegas after a week or so of dating. We were there and we had only been together a month. I didn't even realize it was that fast until I looked back at FB photos! When I realized it later I was like...OMG, we planned a trip together that fast?!? We had a blast! You will too!!! Don't over analyze too much. Let it happen. :smthumbup:


Thank you Spicy!

I am the Queen of Overanalyzation, so I will definitely keep that in mind.


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## jb02157

It's great that you were able to have this deep a connection this early on. Some people try for years and don't get this far. Keep taking it slow and see what happens but everything seems to look so good right now.


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## Spicy

Hope Shimmers said:


> Thank you Spicy!
> 
> I am the Queen of Overanalyzation, so I will definitely keep that in mind.


Wait! When did I lose my title!?!?! >


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## NoChoice

A heart that does not venture beyond the safety of the walls it has built may feel safe but loneliness makes for very long days and very cold nights.


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## ne9907

Enjoy the moments, enjoy everything~


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## ne9907

NoChoice said:


> A heart that does not venture beyond the safety of the walls it has built may feel safe but loneliness makes for very long days and very cold nights.


dude.... I LOVE THIS!


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## GusPolinski

Find out whether or not he's ever been married; if he has, find out why he's _no longer_ married.


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## turnera

Yeah, that's the only red flag I see.


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## WonkyNinja

Hope Shimmers said:


> Thanks so much everyone for the support and for listening to me
> 
> I am flying high but also very cautious. I know he would drive or fly out here next weekend if I asked him, and I kind of got the feeling that maybe he was waiting for me to ask. I would love to see him, but I feel like it is so much so fast. I'm scared that it will all disappear.
> 
> I wanted 2017 to be my year, but I never dreamed it would happen the very first day of the year.
> 
> He and I didn't know each other very well 20+ years ago. So it would be more accurate to say that he had a crush on me rather than being "in love" with me. I barely knew him. I just remember that our mutual friends kept telling me he was totally head over heels for me. Once at a wedding reception Christopher's wife (Chris is his best friend) was drunk and she was talking LOUDLY about this man and how he was in love with me. She kept going on and on.
> 
> He asked me if I would go with him to Vegas in February for a few days, to play around and to see Diana Ross live. I asked him which days in February and he said "the middle". Now I find out that the concert is February 14th.  Why not just say "Valentine's day"? That's the kind of stuff that confuses me about him. I feel like he can read my mind but I have no idea what's in his head.
> 
> @blueinbr .... the flood car drove all the way here like a dream. Maybe this will be my year after all.


He may have avoided saying "Valentines Day" in case you thought he was rushing you. Just a thought.


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## Hope Shimmers

GusPolinski said:


> Find out whether or not he's ever been married; if he has, find out why he's _no longer_ married.


I have always known the answer to that (we have mutual friends). He never married. He dated some, but said he never found the right person to marry.

I had to jump in here and give a quick update. We had decided we would not see each other until the weekend in February. So this morning he calls (EARLY) and says, Can I fly down there to you for a couple of days? Umm, hell yes!!!

My daughter is gone for the weekend, so it's just us and the dog. He did some things around my house including hanging my HEAVY wall clock, installing some light fixtures. Then he took some measurements in my kitchen and we went to a cabinetmaker who is going to do custom cabinets for me. And argued back and forth (in a good natured way) about which cabinets would look best. LOL About halfway through that he burst out laughing and said "we sound like a married couple". 

Now about to start a movie, fireplace going, FREEZING cold and snow outside, cozy here. Eating homemade chicken and noodles and crusty bread with a good chardonnay. THAT is the way I like to spend my nights.

I can't believe this is my life. I hope I don't wake up from this dream. 2015 and 2016 were such horrible hell on earth that this seems like a fantasy.

Have to go, I hope everyone is having a good start to the year!


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## turnera

Sounds wonderful.


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## Hope Shimmers

turnera said:


> Sounds wonderful.


Thank you turnera


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## Blaine

Hi Hope Good Luck and enjoy it and yes watch for signs but is it possible that because of things you have been through that you think you dont deserve to be treated like a queen?


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## Hope Shimmers

Blaine said:


> Hi Hope Good Luck and enjoy it and yes watch for signs but is it possible that because of things you have been through that you think you dont deserve to be treated like a queen?


Hi Blaine, yes I think you hit that nail on the head.

After dropping Darrin at the airport last night, I got SO angry. At my ex-bf, but mostly at myself. A year and a half of living like that! Every day in that relationship was a battle. An accusation, some sort of drama that had nothing to do with building a relationship or any future. I became a person I HATED.

In contrast, this is a NORMAL relationship. Not that he has me on a pedestal (okay well maybe a little, for now). But because we move towards our goals, if that makes sense. I am thinking forward and planning and enjoying life (not just him, but MY life) rather than battling through every day and trying to defend and explain myself. I am purchasing a historic house a few blocks from me - I'll move into the main house and rent out the third floor apartment and put my current house on the market. In 2.5 years when I'm ready to move from here, I will have it ready to sell.

He is just THERE, if that makes sense. At the end of the day, even though he's 700 miles away right now, he's there. Just one phone call away. (That's why it was so incredible that he picked that song). He knows I am here for him, and I know he is there. We don't have to talk on the phone five hours a night to verify it. We don't argue or fuss or fight. We know. It makes ALL the difference.


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## ulyssesheart

Hope Shimmers said:


> I have always known the answer to that (we have mutual friends). He never married. He dated some, but said he never found the right person to marry.
> 
> I had to jump in here and give a quick update. We had decided we would not see each other until the weekend in February. So this morning he calls (EARLY) and says, Can I fly down there to you for a couple of days? Umm, hell yes!!!
> 
> My daughter is gone for the weekend, so it's just us and the dog. He did some things around my house including hanging my HEAVY wall clock, installing some light fixtures. Then he took some measurements in my kitchen and we went to a cabinetmaker who is going to do custom cabinets for me. And argued back and forth (in a good natured way) about which cabinets would look best. LOL About halfway through that he burst out laughing and said "we sound like a married couple".
> 
> Now about to start a movie, fireplace going, FREEZING cold and snow outside, cozy here. Eating homemade chicken and noodles and crusty bread with a good chardonnay. THAT is the way I like to spend my nights.
> 
> I can't believe this is my life. I hope I don't wake up from this dream. 2015 and 2016 were such horrible hell on earth that this seems like a fantasy.
> 
> Have to go, I hope everyone is having a good start to the year!


Never Married?

What are your ages?

If he is 40 or under, less of a problem. Some guys sow their oats longer then others.

If over 40, he may be a professional, really sweet, player.


That is OK too, if you say it is. Don't fall hard for him if you can avoid it!


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## turnera

Of course, there's also the possibility that he IS married. My mom fell hard for her long-lost college lover when he showed up 30 years later. Started seeing her whenever he was in town. Turns out he was married out in California. He was just a really good liar. 

But your guy sounds cool. I like him.


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## Hope Shimmers

Hmmm. If he's married, he has done an incredible job of hiding a wife from his friends of 20+ years in a very small town. 

He is mid-50's (I'm 52). He isn't a player. Our friends say he never married because of his unrequited love for me over all these years, but that is too sappy romantic and sentimental even for me. lol

My last boyfriend, the 1.5 years one that never amounted to anything, also was never married. He is soon to be 52. In his case, "player" would not necessarily be the word that I would use, but I do not believe he is marriage material. 

Of course, maybe the current guy isn't either. Who really knows.

That used to be one of my "never" criteria when I was on Match. You know.... NEVER go out with a guy who has never been married, never had kids, is shorter than me, can't string 2 sentences together, etc. It's funny now when I think about those Match search criteria that I would not bend on. No guy I have dated would have come up in any of my searches. Perhaps that would be good fodder for a psychologist.


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## MJJEAN

My dad and mom were together for 18 years when she died, but never married. I wouldn't necessarily count never married as a red flag if he's been in at least 1 LTR.


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## Blaine

I have no idea of everything that you have been through but yes just that year and a half of being treated that way would make u defensive. Take things slow and work on urself more than you work on a relationship with him. As you grow and develop and become more confident in urself you may be able to accept his affection. Good luck and if you need anything else just ask


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## Hope Shimmers

MJJEAN said:


> My dad and mom were together for 18 years when she died, but never married. I wouldn't necessarily count never married as a red flag if he's been in at least 1 LTR.


Very good point. And it was not my intention to make light of LTRs that were not marriages.



Blaine said:


> I have no idea of everything that you have been through but yes just that year and a half of being treated that way would make u defensive. Take things slow and work on urself more than you work on a relationship with him. As you grow and develop and become more confident in urself you may be able to accept his affection. Good luck and if you need anything else just ask


Thank you. I am definitely working on me, and enjoying having my life back again. I only have me to blame for having lost myself.


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## turnera

IIRC, Kurt and Goldie never married.


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## Mucc

You all are much wiser and experienced than I am. And I hate to rain on someone's happiness but for what its worth...

this story reminds me eerily of the beginning of my relationship with my stbxh. I was 6 months out of a terrible relationship, but happy and doing generally well in life when I met my ex-husband. He was the polar opposite of my previous relationship. He seemed to know what he wanted and also seemed to know what I wanted. It was all so smooth that I would even say to him that all the goodness won't last once the "honeymoon period" is over. He would say - "Every woman deserves her fairytale and the girl I like definitely deserves to be treated like a princess" etc..etc.. The problem I ran into - now that i try to look back and analyze is that because things were so good for the first few months, when something uncomfortable happened - I let it slide thinking - no one in perfect and everyone is allowed slip ups. And before I knew it, we were married and these "slip ups" that I had been forgiving became more intense and more frequent. 

I am sorry, I am likely jaded by my experience early on in life and therefore whenever I hear of that perfect beginning to romance, it makes me nervous. 

I truly hope that your happiness lasts forever, that the man you are dating is not like the scumbag I married. But like someone else said - the only way to know character is when you encounter rough times in life and that requires time. Truth is - even good people falter, have bad days, say hurtful things, do hurtful things - but good people do more good things that make up for the bad. I don't have a good way of distinguishing between true slip-ups and possible red flags (things that aren't slam dunk- complete no no run away type). As a result I will likely be too harsh when someone does walk into my life but for now - too much goodness is almost a red flag in my books. 

I hope your happiness continues but don't fall too hard until a good chunk of time has allowed you to determine unbiasedly.


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