# Boundaries



## ScrambledEggs

I am not changing my mind about my path but I a question/though that is now hypothetical for me.

When you are in R from a failed marriage and need to reset, or introduce boundaries to fix it, do you strive to enforce all the boundaries at once or do you evolve into them over time. For example you might set boundaries with behavior you find to be the biggest deal breaker, like mental abuse, and then later, assuming that is working, move onto boundaries about finances, budget, health, ect? Everything at once or an evolution?

Everything at once seems like it could be overwhelming, and perhaps misguided with sincere R. But then a graduated evolution into new boundaries might get lost on the way or lose the shock of D-Day over time.


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## Mr.Fisty

Depending how much of a factor does the destructive behavior come into play. For small things like house chores and forgetting to do them or procrastinating, maybe not that important.

Things like mental abuse, financial irresponsibility, factors that are your deal breakers, those need to be set early on.

It is best to set the parameters early on, so the other party knows what the expectations are.


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## zillard

I try to look at it as boundaries vs preferences. 

If I'm really not OK with something, I won't be, so I need to be firm no matter the state of the relationship (old, new, R, whatever). That doesn't mean these are always deal breakers though - response to violations here need to be proportionate. 

Preferences are an area where I can be very flexible. 

If I feel like eating indian food it doesn't hurt me to settle for mexican food. But there better not be any cheese on that plate because I'm lactose intolerant and that will always be the case regardless of the restaurant.


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## thatbpguy

To me, I think baby steps. Learn to crawl, walk and then run. Changing behaviors and attitudes are very difficult to accomplish and need to be taken slowly.


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## Thor

I think real deal breakers need to be established immediately. Perhaps have graduated consequences. e.g. shouting and cursing at me is a deal breaker. The first time or two the consequence might be I leave the room. After that the consequence is I leave the house for 24 hours. The fourth time is D. For contact with an AP the first offense might be exposing to his/her parents the violation. A second violation is D.

For non-deal breakers such as spending more time together without cell phones, or washing the dishes immediately, one could introduce those more gradually over time.


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