# Mixed signals about infrequent sex



## Pavel Shotski (Sep 26, 2011)

Short version:
Wife and I don't have sex, she says she wants to but doesn't act like it.

Long version:
My wife and I have been married for six years, and the frequency with which we have sex has dwindled down to zero. Neither of us seem interested... we're too tired, not in the mood, whatever. On occasion, one of us will be, but that timing doesn't work. 

It doesn't seem like this would be a problem, but my wife says that she's missing the sexual part of the relationship (and everything that comes with it... feeling attractive, self-esteem, etc.) She's worried that we'll be friends instead of lovers, but her actions seem louder than her words. If she was making advances or even suggestions (other than 'we should have more sex'), this might make more sense?

Notes about us:
I'm 39 and 'peel one off' a few times a week, but mostly when I need to get to sleep (it'll knock me right out). I still find her very attractive, but it doesn't occur to me to have sex with her the way it did when we first met (maybe I just recognize that she is very attractive?) When I do make an advance, she's not in the mood. 

She's 36, and I'm not sure if she 'rubs one out' on occasion. She has bipolar disorder, and is on a number of prescription medications to deal with that (as well as an oral contraceptive). I don't think this has too much to do with it though, since there was a time when her sex drive was pretty strong.

We were interested in having children, but we found out maybe last year that she can't go through a pregnancy because she would have to be off her meds for the 9-month duration. She took a stab at it for about a month, and let's just say that's not an option. We looked at surrogates (too expensive for us), and adoption (expensive, weird rule sets, and I'm a little genetically-selfish for that sort of thing), and basically decided that we won't have children. 

We are very close - closer, I think, than many couples (too close?) and affectionate (holding hands, spooning when we sleep, light kissing, etc.) We've only been apart a few times (like three or four) when vacations only involved one of us. We work at the same place (same days off, same shift), but I still look forward to seeing her every day: she still comes by my office for lunch every day, and I stop by her desk several times a day.

First post - thanks for reading.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Something is missing in your marriage. What is it? 

Do you respect eachother? 

Talk to her about this sex issue today.


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## Pavel Shotski (Sep 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Something is missing in your marriage. What is it?


Besides sex? I don't know. We don't have many friends (I have a couple that I go on bike rides with, she's got a couple that basically use her as a vent for their own problems), so we don't socialize much, although we're not very social people. The romance hasn't been quite the same without sex, but it's otherwise there. All winter long, we'll sleep in the living room in front of the fire, maybe with some candles, and occasionally just listen to music and talk, go out someplace nice for dinner, spend weekends in Monterey, little cabins in the woods, etc. 



Jellybeans said:


> Do you respect eachother?


Yes.



Jellybeans said:


> Talk to her about this sex issue today.


The conversations usually revolve around the fact that she says that she wants a sexual relationship, but isn't doing anything about it. I'll tell her that I'll be there if she's ever feeling frisky, after which we continue along the same path. I'm not sure how make myself more sexually active than I am (which is admittedly not very much). When the advances I do make are turned down, I think that she can call on me when she's ready, or we'll wait until the next time I am. Should I take this conversation in a different direction?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get busy today. What are you waiting for? Yes, talk to her about what you just said. When you see her today, plant a big wet kiss on her and give it to her


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

She's telling you she wants more intimacy, and she needs you to take the lead on this. Set the stage by sending her a flirty text or e-mail during the day. Touch her bottom lightly several times with a come hither look. Give her a massage. 

With you both being together so much, you have to generate a little sexual heat. Do you exercise, run, or hike? When you come back from this, let her know you are in the mood. Be persistent. Ask if she has any sexual fantasies. Take a teasing approach that lets her know you will not be denied.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> She's telling you she wants more intimacy, and she needs you to take the lead on this. Set the stage by sending her a flirty text or e-mail during the day. Touch her bottom lightly several times with a come hither look. Give her a massage.
> 
> With you both being together so much, you have to generate a little sexual heat. Do you exercise, run, or hike? When you come back from this, let her know you are in the mood. Be persistent. Ask if she has any sexual fantasies. Take a teasing approach that lets her know you will not be denied.


:iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The meds can really eff up libido.


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## Pavel Shotski (Sep 26, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> She's telling you she wants more intimacy, and she needs you to take the lead on this. Set the stage by sending her a flirty text or e-mail during the day.


I see a barrier I'll need to cross here - that's generally not my style (I don't even know what to say without sounding cheesy?) I can make something up, but it seems like it should be genuine. Also, I need to figure out how to make sure I'm in the mood this evening. I'm not in the mood right now (cleaning the house). 


lovesherman said:


> Touch her bottom lightly several times with a come hither look. Give her a massage.


lol, my hands are on her bottom all the time, I may have better luck with her breasts (my hands are on these a lot too, but there's a little more eroticism there). Massages generally put her to sleep, but I think there's an art do doing them for the purpose of arousal as opposed to relaxation, no?


lovesherman said:


> With you both being together so much, you have to generate a little sexual heat. Do you exercise, run, or hike? When you come back from this, let her know you are in the mood. Be persistent.


We both exercise, but usually at different times (I go on long bike rides, and she uses an elliptical at home). I can hit that timing though. She will almost certainly want to wait until after she showers, but as I type this, it occurs to me that it could be hot if we do it prior.


lovesherman said:


> Ask if she has any sexual fantasies. Take a teasing approach that lets her know you will not be denied.


I'm in alien territory here - I'm not that sexually aggressive, and her sexual fantasies do revolve around that sort of thing, but I have kind of a problem with that: I'm okay with being denied. If she says something like "I'm not in the mood" or "not tonight"... I really don't think I would be able to, 'deny her denial' for lack of a better expression. I'm definitely not aroused by attempting to have sex with someone who has just told me they don't want to. I know there's a little wiggle room there... maybe she can walk me through that.


that_girl said:


> The meds can really eff up libido.


She takes so many, I'm not exactly sure what she's on. I know there have been occasional adjustments to the levels (Abilify, Lexapro, Lamictal...). Her mother is a walking pharmacy, and while some of these prescriptions are certainly necessary, my wife seems to have picked up the habit of maintaining a rather extreme pill regimen. I'll ask her about chatting with her doctor about this possibility.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Your last post is your issue. You need to get your mojo back. Stop masturbating. If you aren't able to give your wife the sexual relationship she is telling you she needs then you need to cut that back. Start with deep kissing that doesn't need to lead to the bed. As a matter of fact, do some lunch dates and see if you can't start the deep kissing there. Get the juices flowing again. Have you bought her lingerie in a while? If not do so. Find ways to make her feel sexy. You can start off slow with the agression. Buy a set of fuzzy handcuffs to use on her. Little stuff like that. Me and my wife play "hookie" once every few months. No work, kids are in school, Some afternoon delight without worrying about the noise. Just something to change up the routine of life.


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## Pavel Shotski (Sep 26, 2011)

Kobo said:


> Your last post is your issue. You need to get your mojo back. Stop masturbating. If you aren't able to give your wife the sexual relationship she is telling you she needs then you need to cut that back. Start with deep kissing that doesn't need to lead to the bed. As a matter of fact, do some lunch dates and see if you can't start the deep kissing there. Get the juices flowing again. Have you bought her lingerie in a while? If not do so. Find ways to make her feel sexy. You can start off slow with the agression. Buy a set of fuzzy handcuffs to use on her. Little stuff like that. Me and my wife play "hookie" once every few months. No work, kids are in school, Some afternoon delight without worrying about the noise. Just something to change up the routine of life.


Those are good ideas - I hadn't thought to bring the deep kissing back without the sex. Haven't ever bought her lingerie (she hasn't bought any herself for quite some time, so a new set would be nice). I'll stop masturbating... need to find some good science fiction to get me to sleep on occasion though.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Pavel Shotski said:


> Those are good ideas - I hadn't thought to bring the deep kissing back without the sex. Haven't ever bought her lingerie (she hasn't bought any herself for quite some time, so a new set would be nice). I'll stop masturbating... need to find some good science fiction to get me to sleep on occasion though.



Well hopefully your wife will be putting you to sleep shortly


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You can tell I like cake because if cake is offered, I eat it. If it's not offered, I might ask for some, go buy some, or bake my own. If it's plentiful but I almost never partake, I don't like it, regardless of what I might say.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

My wife is on Prozac and she never wants to have sex, it does not matter if I am skinny, fat or fit, tan or pasty, romantic or lazy she just does not have any need for sex. I think it has a lot to do with her Prozac.


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