# Has your spouses OM/OW contacted you?



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Some of you may know that my husbands OW (the ex girlfriend) contacted me to ‘apologize’. She claimed that she was ‘going through some things’ and wanted to ‘apologize for any pain she had caused me’. She claims she was lied to and manipulated. While I’m sure she was lied to to a certain extent, a very quick search of social media (where she contacted me) would have shown her that he and I were still together on some level. At least to the level that would make most people ask questions. At the time, I did not get angry with her, thanked her to a certain extent for her apology and for the most part just let it go. She seemed to be very upset by what happened and I won’t lie, I felt pretty good that she felt as bad as she seemed to. I felt that she deserved to be in pain for being either too stupid or blind to confirm that he was still involved with me. I know some of that is misplaced anger, however, it doesn’t make it go away. 

So anyway, has the OM/OW ever contacted you? What did you say? What is the reasoning behind this?


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Thankfully no. It took everything in my power at the initial onset not to blast her down to bone shards when I first found their email exchange. I could easily email _her_, but I refuse. 

Someone with an unknown number keeps calling me but she doesn't sound like the OW's recorded "sound bite" that I heard.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

Can you explain a bit more about your situation? Did your husband tell her that you and he were divorcing? Did he and the OW have a full-blown relationship while he was lying to her? Are you reconciling with him?

In any case, your husband is the main culprit in my view. He is married to you. He lied to her apparently and to you. I feel your anger should mostly be directed at him. It was probably good that she tried to apologize. You don't have to like her or be her friend, but your husband is the one who really needs to fix his broken self.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope.

Would've been nice if she had, though, seeing as how she found the texts/FB messages over a year before I did.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Nope.
> 
> Would've been nice if she had, though, seeing as how she found the texts/FB messages over a year before I did.


Gus....

I think she means the AP....not the OBS.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> Gus....
> 
> I think she means the AP....not the OBS.


Oh.

Derp.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes but it was well after the affair had been discovered and after he had already dumped her. He gave me information that I might have been able to use in the divorce and that really was the intent of meeting him. He wasn't remorseful or anything like that, no fake apologies. He only did it because he had lost so many friends, many people that knew me knew him so he was acting like he wanted to help me trying to get some of his friends back. 

Typical selfish behavior from a serial cheater, it wasn't about helping anyone but themselves.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Yes. Actually talked with the a*****e on 3 separate occasions. First, I didn't know it was a PA, but found inappropriate texts. He contacted me to apologize. 2nd was after the affair had surfaced and he wanted to apologize. 3rd was about 2 months later, he was essentially trying to see if things could be smoothed over. 

(3rd time) He tried to say he was sorry, etc. Tried to say it was all in the past. Tried to ask how we were holding up, tried to explain what he and his wife were going through, and he hoped the families could still be friends. He tried to get me to engage in a conversation, to have me ask him any questions about the affair if that would 'help.'

Then he tried to ask for a one on one meeting with my wife to apologize and provide 'closure' so his wife and I would feel secure again. 

I told him he will never speak with my wife, and I didn't see any future friendship. Ended the conversation and walked out.

I realized later, that he was/is a typical narcissist, he wanted to make himself feel better. He didn't care about myself or my wife, or his wife for that matter. He also later on wanted to take a promotion which would put him in regular contact with my wife. That's a whole 'nother story.

All in all, there was waaay too much contact with the OM as well as his wife. 


I would imagine what you're going through isn't misplaced anger, it's just anger. You're allowed to be angry at the other person. Misplaced anger is when you are blaming the Other Person for the whole thing. Of course you'll want the Other Person to feel pain. It's a normal human response. Just don't act on any of it - just cut them out of your life.

Plus it sounds like she was trying to avoid blame in her apology to you. That's bush-league. You hit the nail on the head - had she 'wanted to' she could have found that he was still with you, etc. It would have been a better apology had she owned what she did.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No! All of them, IMHO, were likely just as ashamed of their sordid actions as my RSXW was!*


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

After over a year of NC... the POSOM called me up at 3am, talked to me for about 20min. I let him talk to gauge what he was up to, his mental state, as I took note of what he said. 
There was NO apology. It was about him - wanting to take my wife out to a concert and be friends with my wife - no worries about anything sexual. Just a friendship. He asked me at least three times "why can't your wife and I be friends?" and I told him each time "NO" and that he has issues, what he is asking is stupid and crazy. He sounded messed up on drugs or booze.
Some weeks later, he sends my wife texts about "Let me talk to TADOR, I can explain that to him that we will be cool. No sex." I told his big-name lawyer dad what his crazy druggie son was doing and that he has one chance to give his son father & legal advice to stay away.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Oh yeah, he contacted me indirectly after I sent his wife all the dirt on him. He sent a message via his wife to my wife. It was "tell badmemory my husband says don't contact me again".

Don't get me started on her. F##king Stepford wife.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Wife5362 said:


> Can you explain a bit more about your situation? Did your husband tell her that you and he were divorcing? Did he and the OW have a full-blown relationship while he was lying to her? Are you reconciling with him?
> 
> In any case, your husband is the main culprit in my view. He is married to you. He lied to her apparently and to you. I feel your anger should mostly be directed at him. It was probably good that she tried to apologize. You don't have to like her or be her friend, but your husband is the one who really needs to fix his broken self.


As I explained to her, there were times where he may not have been lying to her. Dependent on the time, we could have been separated, but I know for a fact that during other times we were not. Since the whole situation was a complete mess, everything overlaps.

In a nutshell:

We’ve been together 12 years. He talked to her on and off for about the first 9. Still friends with her brother and close with her mom. I expressed several times that I was not comfortable with this at all, he did it anyway. Although, during those 9 years don’t think his intent was anything bad. I don’t think either of them viewed it as inappropriate, just exes who still cared about each others well being but nothing more. The inappropriateness was that it bothered me and her husband and they did it anyway. (Her husband was unaware, she told him that I was just the crazy wife and that if I ever told him anything that it was just me being crazy. Thinking back now, I’m pretty sure that my husband TOLD her that I was very insecure about her.) 

4 years ago, I had what amounted to literally a ONS that lasted around 30 seconds. I had drank a lot, for a very long period of time. My husbands best friend made advances, demanded oral sex, which I began and then stopped less than a minute in. My husband discovered text messages from his best friend to me about it and confronted me. I told my husband I just kissed him. A month later, we ran into his ex gf at a party. A few days after that, she contacted him by text message and there were several thousand text messages over a month period. I caught them on the telephone bill, he admitted it was her. I told her husband, they separated and eventually divorced. 

2 years ago October my husband confronted me about ‘the kiss’ at which point I admitted to what it really was. He told me he wanted a separation. That I had to move out. We still lived in the same house, slept together, went on dates, etc. He asked me to stay in February. He was in contact (text and physical) during this time. If he told her we were separated with the intent for me to move out at this time, he was telling her the truth. But we were also under the agreement we would stay separated for one year before decided whether or not to divorce and he told me that we could use the house I was buying as a rental property if we got back together. I found out later, he’d been in contact with her several months before I came fully clean.

We separated same as above in November of last year when I discovered that he had been talking to her on the phone for an hour and a half every Monday night for at least the previous month. We talked about one of us moving out, but it was supposed to be (in his words) a temporary separation to see if it fixed things. I asked him repeatedly if he wanted a divorce and he would never answer and would get angry that I asked. Once again, we still went on dates, slept in the same bed, slept together, etc. I found out later that he had gone to her house and stayed there (she lives two hours away) for 2 hours on a day during the work week on a day that he was supposed to pick up my daughter from the bus stop and told me he was in a meeting and forgot. We were still together at that point. The best that I can confirm is that he was seeing her 4-5 weeks before we ‘separated’ the second time. At the time, he said he’d only seen her in person one time. Foolishly I believed him. We were separated in word in December when I discovered another time he’d driving to her house. That’s when I kicked him out, called her about him coming to her house and she lied to me and told me that he hadn’t been there, etc. 

All in all, his (what I call) side relationship with her lasted the span of about a year and a half. The first 4 months, he and I were separated in word and he was probably telling her the truth. It was very confusing at that time for everyone involved. Me, him, etc. The next 14 months we were together for at least 13 of them and he was apparently telling her we were not. However, like I said it would have been rather easy to confirm considering I’d have profile pictures of me and him on social media, his relationship status never changed from ‘married’, I tagged him in things all the time (he was friends with her mom at the time, rather easy to confirm). And like I said, she knew who I was, we have several mutual friends, I am very active on facebook so I know she saw my comments with pictures of him and I attached to them. I suppose he could have been telling her that I was “crazy” and not to believe it if she saw certain things. But again, you have to be sticking your head pretty deep in the sand to take that at face value in todays age of social media.

I think she knew and didn’t care but acted like she believed him because she WANTED to believe him. And then once she ‘lost’ (most people would say she won) then she made some sense of things, felt bad and wanted to alleviate her guilt.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

The OM have never contacted me, but I have reached out and contacted them, or their wives. I just wanted to make sure their spouses were aware of the truth regarding the relationship, to verify what my W was telling me was true, and explain how the NC policy was going to work (and the penalties for violations).


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

She had the nerve to tell me she "didn't want to be in the middle of our problems". I literally laughed. Considering she helped perpetuate a large bulk of our problems.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, when you spoke, she confirmed they were only physical recently and for the previous years it was an EA?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> So, when you spoke, she confirmed they were only physical recently and for the previous years it was an EA?


No, she actually never said “yes it was physical”. More that I point blank asked and she said that all I needed to know was that he lied to me and that she didn’t mean to bring up old things and that if he was still sleeping with me during this time that “he was disgusting”. That was enough confirmation for me. I also then called him out on it being physical, which he again tried to deny, I lied and said that she told me it was and he didn’t say anything else. Again, plenty of confirmation for me. 

She was with her ex husband for the first 9 years that J and I were together. Her ex husband had cheated on her, she found out she was pregnant, they got back together, got married, had another child. Her ex found out about her thousands of text messages with my husband over the years (from me calling him) and they separated over that and then divorced. They were in the divorce proceedings while she and my husband were having an affair, they’d been living in different houses for over a year at that point. I do not believe they were physical before that. I just don’t. I know they talked. I know she hid that from her husband. I know he talked to her against my will, but I do not believe they were physical at that time. Just different things that came up, different gut feelings, etc. I have reason to believe he could have been physical with others (taking condoms on work trips) and of course there are the texts to an old fling asking for nude pictures. But I don’t believe he was physical with HER during that time.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

My wife's affair partner actually had the balls to send me a Facebook message, two days after she confessed to me that she slept with him (so this would have been Christmas Eve, December 24th), asking me what the hell was wrong with us and our marriage. I just ignored it. I have no idea what motivated it. Whatever it is, why should he complain? He got some because of it (in addition to his wife and already-existing long-term girlfriend).

Also, on April 18th, I came home one evening after work and found them talking on the phone. He actually told her to say hi to me for him. And my stupid ***** wife just did that without thinking.

I am Facebook friends with him because it gives me information about him. You never know when that might come in handy.

All I can say is, that son of a ***** is lucky he lives on the other side of the planet. Those who know me know that I am a very nice guy. But he is the only person in the world that I have wanted to physically hurt, and very, very badly.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I'm amazed by the amount that reach out to "be friends". What kind of world do they live in? 

My OM's wife text me last month, told me she hoped I was doing ok and that she loved me. I told her I cared for her greatly and that I appreciated her thoughts but that I wasn't worthy enough to be called her friend. I truly do wish her well, and I hate that I hurt her. But how could I ever dream of calling her a friend again?


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

Haha, he didn't try to contact me per se, but still tried to clear the air. A day or two after I caught them I called him to verify the story my wife was telling me. He roughly confirmed the details I was looking for only to follow with "this is not my character." The brazen idiocy stunned me at the time, I just told him I didn't want to hear it. As if waving your hands and saying "I'm better than this" somehow absolves a person from responsibility. It was never an apology, I think he just had trouble going to church with a clear conscience or something.

A few weeks later when my wife informed me that he had texted her again I sent him a warning to knock it off before I involved my lawyer (the laws here are favorable) at which point he whined about "having trouble with his ex-wife and he just needed someone to talk to." At that point I did laugh. It was such a clueless excuse -- the extramarital equivalent of "the dog ate my homework." I think he tried mailing her a christmas card after that, at which point my lawyer DID talk to his (informally -- it's a small town) and it's been quiet ever since.

** and for anyone wondering why I didn't actually sue him it's because I see his snaggle-toothed, hand-me-down-wearing kids and I know any dollar I take away from him means a dollar less for them.

I'm at the point where I find that part of the whole equation more laughable than painful. He was apparently very big into the idea that he and my wife were fooling me. He frequently advised her to wear shabby clothes so I wouldn't suspect anything (as if the fact that she's going out at odd hours won't be suspicious as long as she wears an old t-shirt!). This was the extent of his cleverness.

I now see that he was just an empty, little guy trying to find something exciting in an empty, little life -- and to his credit he did indeed "get one over" on me thereby exacting some bizarre revenge on ... me? the world?

That realization helped keep it from stinging too much, the idiocy made him easier to dismiss. After all, the real problems are with my wife anyway.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

No, he never tried, even tho he was my friend for 20 years. Part of the reason may be I informed my x's attorney that he needed to let him know that if he ever showed up at my place, I would shoot him. And I meant it and both the attorney and the POS new I meant it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

She actually had the nerve to say "I hope my apology helps you feel better". 

Now, I groveled at my husbands feet when I confessed. I apologized more times than I can count. I've literally probably apologized more than a hundred times. I get the importance of saying "I'm sorry" if that "sorry" is followed with changed behavior and truly BEING sorry. 

But her apology was so empty. She reached out to me, months later, unexpected and ripped my Band-Aid off with no warning. Prefaced it with "I'm going through a lot of things and I just wanted to apologize to you if I caused you any pain". So if she wasn't going through a lot of things she wouldn't have apologized? And then when I questioned her she was hesitant to answer any real questions, hemmed and hawed with answers, told me she didn't want to get in the middle of it. I did get some answers from her but it was like pulling teeth. You'd think a truly sorry person would be willing to fess up to the extent of their indiscretions without having to be coaxed into it. I literally had to tell her that he said she was just an ex, that she didn't matter, he knew she loved him and he could have her any time he wanted in order to get her to open up in the slight way she did. Essentially, I had to put her on the defensive against him to get her talking. That doesn't sound like someone who is truly 'sorry' to me. 

Her whole apology is, to me, a joke. Used as a means to alleviate her own guilt and nothing more.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I ran into my XWW's AP about a month ago at Walmart. We were walking in at the same time. He said "hi, how's it going B.P." and I just looked him in the eye then slowly said his name the way I'd talk to my kids if they were in trouble. Next thing I knew he was power walking away, so I think he still has a lot of guilt (we used to be close friends). No apology from him or any other contact, which is too bad because I really owe him a steak dinner for how my life has turned out (hot women, overseas vacations, new car, better relationships with my family/friends/kids, more time for my hobbies, etc). In all fairness though I told his wife right when I found out about the affair that he doesn't get to apologize to me because I'm not there to ease his conscience. I thought the whole encounter was a blend of being a bit awkward and somewhat humorous.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I'm amazed by the amount that reach out to "be friends". What kind of world do they live in?
> 
> My OM's wife text me last month, told me she hoped I was doing ok and that she loved me. I told her I cared for her greatly and that I appreciated her thoughts but that I wasn't worthy enough to be called her friend. I truly do wish her well, and I hate that I hurt her. But how could I ever dream of calling her a friend again?


My friend, C, is friends with one of her exH's OW. Actual friends. They met when OW confessed to the affair and have been friends ever since. C's son is dating the former OW's daughter.

My first fiance cheated on me with a woman named L. She became pregnant and wasn't sure if the father was my exfiance or her then BF. She wanted to meet me, confess, and let me know about the baby and the possibility he was my ex's. We discovered we liked each and we dumped the ex. We've been very close for over 25 years now. She ended up marrying my fathers brother 20 years ago, so now she's family.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Bananapeel said:


> I ran into my XWW's AP about a month ago at Walmart. We were walking in at the same time. He said "hi, how's it going B.P." and I just looked him in the eye then slowly said his name the way I'd talk to my kids if they were in trouble. Next thing I knew he was power walking away, so I think he still has a lot of guilt (we used to be close friends). No apology from him or any other contact, which is too bad because I really owe him a steak dinner for how my life has turned out (hot women, overseas vacations, new car, better relationships with my family/friends/kids, more time for my hobbies, etc). In all fairness though I told his wife right when I found out about the affair that he doesn't get to apologize to me because I'm not there to ease his conscience. I thought the whole encounter was a blend of being a bit awkward and somewhat humorous.


I run into Mr perfect occasionally, it's unavoidable here in small town america. The only smart thing the bone head does is he heads for the exit door the moment he knows I'm around. I've never threatened him, the only fitting punishment for him would have actually being stuck with my crazy ex....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Ghost Rider said:


> Also, on April 18th, I came home one evening after work and found them talking on the phone. He actually told her to say hi to me for him. And my stupid ***** wife just did that without thinking.


Wait what? They still talk and you are still married?


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