# help



## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

Advice
Apologies in advance for this long message.
My wife wants to separate. We have 2 children 3 and 6. We met at university 17 years ago, been married 10 years, and only ever been with each other. She thinks it will be permanent at moment, and does not want to give me false hope by agreeing to a trial separation. She feels numb and does not want to talk or go to counseling. She feels very stressed with me in the house. She cares about me but does not see me in same light as before. She said she no longer sees me through rose tinted glasses. Her mind tells her we should stay together for practical reasons but physically she does not see me like that anymore. She is very very angry with me and herself for ‘wasting’ her life with me. There have been no affairs or physical abuse. I believe her that there is no one else involved.
History
We have always squabbled and we have used the threat of separation as a weapon in these arguments, me especially. We have never separated previously though.
I have always had a lot of female work colleagues and she has always been jealous of my relationship with them – she felt I put them before her, which in retrospect I did i.e. I would take her to parties where she felt uncomfortable because I didn’t want to let these people down, I would also stay out late drinking with them.
We then moved and were reasonably happy when our daughter was born, although I was spending a lot of time out of the house in evening doing sports. She has complained that I didn’t spend enough time with her and we should have gone out more.
Then my father died and I insisted we move into my mothers. There was not enough room for us and my mother did not like my wife. Again I was out way a lot with work. My son was born during this time. The kids were hard work as never slept though and we were often up 4-6 times a night and tired.
We tried to sell our house and obtained planning permission to build one at my mothers, but it all fell through and we had very stressful time trying to sell house.
We finally found our dream home and moved out from my mothers. But I became depressed and miserable. 
Her sister had been diagnosed with cancer, which is prevalent in her family and she was very worried about this.
We both work long hours and have long drives to work, life is quite stressful.
We also have a lot of debt and the house needs a lot of work finishing on it which depresses her. She has said she loves the house but now it holds alot of unhappy memories.
Her 20 yr old niece then split with her long-term boyfriend and Helen became more close to her and talked a lot about it. She made some friends locally with mothers from school.
We argued and I became more abusive calling her names and finally in anger at her non-communication (she wasn’t talking to me) I told her I wanted a divorce.
She cried for 2 days (unbeknown to me as was at work) and then went to solicitor. 
Since then she has told me (screamed at me) 3 times to leave and said there is no hope for us. She does not see a happy future for us together. We were never compatible. I haven’t helped around house enough and am like another child. She wants to be alone and be selfish and have time to rediscover herself. She doesn’t want to hurt me or kids but thinks this is best for us all in long-term. She says I have blackmailed her emotionally. I haven’t shown enough affection in the past and although I try now she says she does not trust its real. She does not want to be hurt again.
I begged her not to do this and admitted all my mistakes…it has been hell on earth
The first time she told me to leave she then went to her mothers and then sisters and when she came back said she had missed me and I didn’t have to move out…we tried and was ok for a while but then she became distant and angry again.
During this time I agreed to see a counselor to help with my depression and it was a big help. She has since said she sees I have changed. I also started helping around the house a lot more and she said this was good.
The second time she told me to go I went to a conference abroad while her sister and niece were staying and I had arranged a place to move out on my return…again she said she had missed me and thought maybe she should try for kids sake and I didn’t have to go. Again we tried but again she became distant again. During this time was our 10th wedding anniversary. She made a big effort with card but stupidly I did not, and we argued on day. This was big disappointment for her. We agreed to have a nice xmas but then we were all ill all through xmas to new year and although we didn’t argue it was a rubbish xmas.
I foolishly insisted on knowing her feelings a few weeks ago and so she told me she wanted to split again. She said she was going to just keep going and see what happened but no longer wanted to after this discussion, although we didn’t shout or argue.
This time I have arranged a place again and I will move in a few weeks. I am staying spare room in meantime. We try and act normal in front of kids but then when they gone to bed she avoids me usually, although she wants to watch a movie with me sometimes. She has started reading and spends hours just reading books.
From the beginning she has had a plan…she will finish house and sell and move to rented house in village where kids at school. She wants me to see kids as much as I like and doesn’t want us to become bitter. I have agreed to support her and kids as much as possible. She wants to start again. She is bored with her job and talked about changing that.
I am trying to be supportive and accept it gracefully as possible as I know I have no choice now and it is the last thing I can do. I told her I understand and said it was unfair to ask her if she thought there was any hope that we might get back together..she agreed it was unfair to ask her at this stage as she is numb and does not want to think about it..she also does not want to give me false hope. She said she knows I love her. She has also refused counseling but agreed to see how she feels about this in the future. I think she is stalling though as she is scared of talking to someone about her feelings and angry as she suggested this a long time ago and I refused to go. She has agreed though that it might be beneficial for her, if not us.
Last weekend we both went out with kids to shops and we both had a laugh and were relaxed..we had a nice time and she was quite touchy feely. She also spoke about being nervous about moving and also about being able to cope on own with kids and money. I said not to worry and that I would support her and I thought we both needed to have some time apart and then maybe we would see things in a different light. She asked what I meant by that, if I meant we would see the situation differently or If we would see each other differently…I said each other, and she did not reply. I asked her about this the following day and she said she had a moment of weakness. She agreed that she had enjoyed the time together, but then said she did not want to go back…we did get on very well as friends when all the relationship and emotional stuff was removed. She did not want to talk about it as it stresses her out and she then doesn’t sleep, and then left crying. I checked on her later and she said was ok. This was the first time she has cried in front of me. I have since tried to be supportive and not clingy and am annoyed that I let this build my hopes up. She asked me the next morning when I was moving my things out of her room and seemed angry with me. 
I have sorted out the debts and that has been a relieve for her and I am finishing the DIY and have said I will get it done asap for them. However, we cant sell house as quick as she wanted due to losing money, although I expected her to still want to go ahead with the sale, surprisingly she has said she would stay in house now until term of mortgage is up (1.5 years)…I also suggested we whitewash house to sell quickly instead of doing our original colour schemes etc, but she says she wants to still do these. She has told her sister about it and said (although may have been without thinking)’ if’ we sell house. 
Later in week I told her I had found a room as she was keen for me to move asap and she was interested in knowing who with, I told her it was with female flat mates (this was all I could get that looked ok, and was not done intentionally). She seemed fine about it and asked ages etc. and told me I would have to keep it clean and not be a slob and then she went to bed. Since then she has been acting annoyed with me and avoiding me more. I don’t know if its because of this or just that it is the weekend and im around more. I want to reassure her that nothing would happen, and I think she knows I would not do anything but she is still very angry and jealous of my other female friends and has brought them up several times since it all first started. I have decided to stay of this subject for the time being.
I guess I am hoping she will miss me again once I am gone, enough for her to reconsider our relationship. I wonder if I am reading to much into what she says about the house, but it seems as if her initial enthusiasm for moving has dwindled (although it may genuinely be because of the hefty redemption penalty we would pay). I am surprised about this though as she was so adamant to move originally.
I wondered what advice you could give on how to save my marriage or if it is now possible?. In the meantime I have decided to try and accept situation and give her support and space to think. I will work on trying to start again although obviously I don’t want this.
thanks


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Personally, if being around other females was such a big issue during the marriage, I can almost guarantee that you moving somewhere that they are is not going to score you any "I miss you points." Probably will do the opposite and keep her mind focused on the whole reason why you're apart, and why she can't ammend things with you. 
The other women are probably a bigger issue than you think. You may not do anything with them, but what are your actions like around them, and in front of your wife? And just the fact that you're willing to please everyone else around you, except for your wife, who btw, should be priority over any colleague, its not a sign of love or devotion. You choose making them happy over her uncomfortability levels. 
If you really loved your wife, and wanted to make an impression so that perhaps you could work towards reconciliation, you'd take the time to realize the things that you know hurt or bother her and try to change and avoid them. By not doing that you send a message that says I can't or won't change for you. And I love you but too bad, this is how I am. There needs to be give on both ends. 
Not to mention the divorce threats whenever you're in an argument. A marriage should be treated with respect and to threaten something like separation or divorce, thats just, well wrong, hurtful, and disrespectful.
Idk separation may be good for both of you. Your wife is in no doubt in a lot of pain over everything. 
You both need to figure out if and what you're willing to change about yourselves. Its not an easy road and it may be a long one. If you truly love your wife, I wish you the best. Maybe some PC would be good for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My story is in my profile. I went though 10 months of MC and 2 months of separation.

It is possible to fix. She does need time and space. You NEED to get into MC anyway possible.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

thanks for your replies, i will take these on board and try to ask her to do this.
we talked again today and she is angry that is taking so long for me to leave and now says that will take of rings when ive gone and then sell them as needs money. Ive asked her to reconsider this as for me would be a final step. She didnt reply and seemed undecided.

I asked agin if someone else and she went ballistic and said that it might help me if there was someone else but wouldnot help her?..anyway i beleive her.

She also wants to tell our 6 year old daughter whats happening as she doesnt want to lie to her...i think this is ridiculous and dont agree but will have to wait and see what happens i guess.

I also spoke to someone who knows her well and they said i shouldnt blame myself as she is a very difficult person as well , which is true, although i do think i am mainly to blame for all this.

I have asked her to consider counselling before but she will not at the moment and thinks im pressuring her so i cant ask yet. She is very stubborn.


anyway thanks for your advice and i will try and give her room to think and space to breathe and see where it goes from there.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

thanks anx, i just read profile and hope that its still working out for you both....the list helps, i know i have been doing alot of the things (1-11 in fact) that i shouldnt like wanting to talk about it all the time, it drives her mad...i think (hope) the not beleiving what you hear is true...otherwise i have decided to stop these and continue from 11 onwards...time will tell....i cant make her go to counselling unfortunatley and i have asked repeatadly but she does not want to at moment..she reluctantly admitted she may in future but that was prob to shut me up...i guess i just have to hope she will start to miss me and think about things in a different light when ive gone and then maybe i can raise it again?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> i guess i just have to hope she will start to miss me and think about things in a different light when ive gone and then maybe i can raise it again?


Something like that. I haven't seen a good way to get people into MC. There is no silver bullet. You may need to start PC or MC by yourself and go from there.


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## Digital man (Mar 7, 2011)

Hey man, I'm going through the same crap. She has changed her # and I can't even call and say, happy birthday today. My sons can't either. It's so messed up. I'm so lost right now. My oldest son just said, she's gone and I know it must suck for you. Would u rather have mom back and just treat us all like crap and not show u any love ? How is that any better. He's right and coming from our 15 year old son, thats so sad to hear. I just wish I was smarter when she was still home to go to MC and do something then. IDK there is no right answer. I guess by being on this forum, we can all try and help each other and take the focus off ourselves even if for a short time.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

sorry to hear that, it is very hard...all i can say is im tryin to move on and follow the advice on the list..i read it each day to remind myself not to start begging again!...i will move out soon and i think being away will help. I also reluctantly told my mum ( i had to let her know as will be helping with kids) and surprisingly she helped by making me realise that i am not all to blame, my wife is also very difficult person...anyway, i will see what happens after move out and see if she takes of her rings and sells them as she is now threatening..i have told her (in a nice way) this would be a final thing for me...time will tell


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