# Don't know what to do



## CowBell (Nov 11, 2014)

This is going to be another lack of sex and considering divorce post. And I'm just not sure if I'm being unreasonable, selfish or are my feelings justified. My wife and I are both 52 and have been married 29 years. We have 2 kids, one married and one college so essentially are empty nesters. Sex has always been pretty good and fulfilling, especially after we entered our 40's. I was the initiator most of the time but not always. But about 3 yrs ago she seemed to lose all interest. It wasn't until I overhead her on the phone with her mother that she had started menopause. Not sure why she didn't tell me about it. But I did some reading to educate myself and talked to her about it. She confirmed that her sex drive had dropped since it started. So I backed of the attempts to initiate sex and just hoped it would not last too long. It lasted around 3 years. During that time we had sex on average once every 2 month I'd guess. Now that she is post-menopausal, she is suffering from vaginal dryness which causes her pain during sex and she, in her words, has zero desire. Lubes do not help. I get it that this is not her fault. Two weeks ago she had her annual gyno appointment. As she told it to me: the doctor asked her how her sex life was and she said it did not exist. He asked if we were having sex at least once a week. No. Every 2 weeks? No. Once a month? No. So he tells her that the two of them have to do something for your husband and proceeds to give her a month or so supply of a newly approved drug call Osphena (I think). He explains to her that this drug has been in use in Europe for years with great success. Tells her to make herself familiar with the possible side effects just in case. So when she comes home and tells me about this I was thrilled. However, the following day, very matter of factly, informs me that, after Googling the drug, she has decided not to take it. She proceeds to tell me all of the horror stories that she read about. And that was that. No mention that she would talk to her doctor about an alternative or anything. So here's what really bothers me. At the doctor, she was not the one that brought this up, he did. Then she waves possible salvation in my face then jerks the rug out from under me. She knows that I rank sex right up there with food, water and air and that going without it is killing me. I can't help but come to the conclusion that she does not care anymore. That sex for us is now a thing of the past and she's ok with that and could give a rat's behind how it affects me. And its put both of us in a no win situations. I say nothing and be frustrated and resentful or say something and become the bad guy trying to get her to take a med she's not comfortable with. Being a bit of a hypochondriac, if she takes the Osphena or some other drug, she will have an issue I can almost guarantee it and then it will be my fault. So I don't know what to do. All I know is that I will not remain very much longer in a sexless marriage.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

so did you express your disappointment when she told you she had decided not to take the drug? a calm but open talk about your feelings and listening to hers?

you portray her decision not to take the drug as pulling the rug out from under you. she did tell you about the conservation with the doctor and his recommendation. she could've omitted the recommendation for the drug solution.

maybe she should discuss her concerns on the possible side effects of the drug with her doctor. though I am not familiar with this particular drug, her concerns may be very valid. it sounds to me a bit like you suspect she doesn't want to take the drug because she doesn't really want to open the opportunity for more frequent sex. In other words, she has selfish motives. from the opposite the point of view, the same could be said of you if you push her to take a drug. you've already assumed if she did take the drug she will have issues. That can simply become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Seems to me you two have a wider gulf between you in the relationship than simply sex or no sex. Sex or the lack of it is often the end result of other issues. After 29 years you can both be in attitudes and making assumptions acquired over those 29 years that can be hard to change. I speak from experience of a 37 year marriage. I am now in year 4 of a second marriage.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

All I know is that I will not remain very much longer in a sexless marriage.[/QUOTE]

Does she know this? Have you told her exactly that?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen.

She's in a ****ty situation. It's like loving beer and suddenly waking up one day and hating beer. You wonder why you made such a fuss about it all this time and you just wish your spouse would stop getting you to want beer again.

I don't want beer. Get over it, spouse!

Wait a second -- somebody has a pill that might get me to want beer again. It also might give me headaches. 

Why the hell would I risk getting headaches to want something that I don't want to want?

And that's where you sit.

Sex is no longer a requirement for her and she's fine with that.

You're not.

If she loves you, she will at least try to keep you reasonably satisified and fulfilled because she loves you, even as she no longer understands what is, to her, now an odd prediliction you have.

If she doesn't love you, she'll essentially want you to just shut up and leave her alone about it.

In this case you have three options:

1. shut up and leave her alone about it.
2. stay married but outsource your sexual needs to another (with her knowledge, I might add).
3. divorce.

What isn't an option is trying to nag her into liking beer again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

marduk said:


> Listen.
> 
> She's in a ****ty situation. It's like loving beer and suddenly waking up one day and hating beer. You wonder why you made such a fuss about it all this time and you just wish your spouse would stop getting you to want beer again.
> 
> ...


I would say that there is a 1.5, and that's firmly letting your wife know your sexual expectations and that staying married long term without a compromise isn't in the cards. She should get the chance to meet you half way here. But let her know that if she doesn't, you'll have to either be allowed to outsource it (good term), or maybe the marriage has run its course.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The problem is not sex. It is her being dismissive of your needs. 

Acceptable would be her occasionally trying to satisfy you, possibly in other ways besides PIV, and you accepting that it may only be twice a month.

Would you be okay with that?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i wouldnt accept twice a month unless i hardly thought about sex. thats just me. 

she can do more than spread her legs. a lot more. 

its not wrong for you to want more. but i have a question for you... 
would you leave her if she refused to meet your needs and do the things that make you feel loved and fulfilled? i would assume that you wouldnt. you would sit there and take it and complain about it. but for how long? your here, so i assume that you dont want to take it forever. 


if she wont put out and you need a wife that puts out, then get out. if she wants to keep you, she will put out. 
just make sure you are willing to do the things that she needs. if not, then you arent putting out either and she has nothing to lose by losing you. 

so, see if she is more willing to put out to keep you or shut you out and lose you. 
tell her that you will look elsewhere if she will not satisfy your needs.


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## CowBell (Nov 11, 2014)

I did not express my disappointment when she told me of her decision to not take the drug. I wanted to but somehow didn't feel right about it. 

It would be nice if she would do something to satisfy me in other ways but she never has. I would be ok with that.

The topic of the drug did come up this past weekend. I asked her if she planned to contact her doc to discuss alternatives and she said no, that she would talk to him at her next appt next year. So I asked if she is content being in a sexless marriage and she responded that I certainly seemed to be and that its my fault that we don't have sex and that we don't really have a marriage - that we are more like roommates (more on that later). She said its my fault because I have stopped initiating. And that is true because a)she has no desire b)its painful c) I got tired of her let's-get-this-over attitude when we did have it. She also said she did not like the way that I treated her like a china doll during sex. She said yes it hurts but its not unbearable. What she is referring to is that, during sex, I have asked her if she is ok. It just made me nervous knowing that it might be hurting her. She also said that her lack of desire has nothing to do with whether or not we have sex. I don't see it that way. She explained that the med that the doc gave her is supposedly the safest on available and therefore there is no alternative that she is willing to take. She then asked me if the tables were turned, would I be willing to take a drug with possible harmful side effect and I responded yes, I would absolutely be willing to at least try it. And if I began to experience side effects that I could not deal with I'd try another one. 

Without getting off topic, I'll briefly explain the living like roommates comment. In a nutshell, she is referring to our lack of common interests. The real issue is that I have many interests and hobbies and she has none. Most of my interests are things that involve physical activity like working out, cycling, kayaking, obstacle races, etc but I also enjoy reading, movies, and going out to eat to name a few. She exercises but doesn't enjoy it - says she does it so she can eat. Likes to go out to eat which we do 2-3 times a week. Like going to the beach which we do 2-3 times a year. That's it. Does not like going to movies, doesn't read or like tv, nothing. I've asked her to join me in some activities but she won't. I've tried to get her to try new things but she won't. Even suggested we give golf a try but she has no interest. Says she wants to do less as she gets older. Early 50's is not old in my opinion and if she wants to sit on the porch in a rocker that's fine and I'll even rock with her sometimes but I'm not going to give up an active lifestyle because she is.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does she go out with friends? It sounds like she does nothing. What does she do with her time?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Since she is putting the blame on you for no longer initiating, start doing so. If she routinely turns you down, then you'll know it's an empty complaint. So, it's apparently up to you to fix the sex problem, insist that she reconsider the drug, and make it clear that rejection is not acceptable. So, try her suggestions, and if they don't work, consider divorce.


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## CowBell (Nov 11, 2014)

Chaparral - WE go out with other couples occasionally but she rarely goes out with just women friends. And usually when asked she declines.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Let me get this straight...

Your main complaint is that _you think_ your wife has lost all sexual desire for you because of menopause. When asked, your wife says it has nothing to do with menopause and everything to do with how you initiate sex and sexual play. So instead of taking actions based on the information you were given directly from your wife's mouth, you think it's better to keep going down the "blame menopause" route?  This makes no sense.

Osphena is "_a drug prescribed for painful intercourse (dyspareunia), which is a symptom of vulvar and vagina muscular wasting (vaginal atrophy), due to menopause_." It may help dull the vaginal pain but it will not help with sexual arousal. It is not an aphrodisiac. 

My suggestion is that you actually listen to what your wife is telling you and take actions based on that information. I also suggest you seek marriage counseling to help open the lines of communication.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Green, yellow, red. 

Tell her to say yellow if it's getting too painful for her to enjoy and red if she is in enough pain to want you to stop right then.


Then stop worrying about it. 

The China doll comment is telling...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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