# Separated 2 months today, I want reconciliation.



## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

Hello

I have looked to this forum for the past few weeks to gauge how I am to deal with this.

I met my wife in 2003 at university. She was and is stunning and the woman of my dreams, the love of my life. 

After being friends until 2007 we started going out, then married in 2008 and have twins, one year old.

Her family never liked me, they actually didn't even attend the wedding. Her and I eloped and had a great wedding without them.

Since that time we reconciled with the family, but marriage issues always lead her back to them.

Strange issues as she would spend most days going over to her parents place for coffee and stay a few hours.

In 2010 we had a miscarriage. Massive issue for us, but in order to move on, we painted the home together, (well I did, she just watched of course) and we rebuilt. 

Shortly after, we were pregnant with twins. Since they were born both of us basically lead separate lives to a degree. I went into partnership with a colleage for a business and she relied on her parents a bit too much to help with the upbringing of the children.

After a short while, the marriage became strained, we separated for a week or so 2 times since the children were born. 

1. She said one morning, 'look I don't love you anymore' so I left, we reconciled a week later.

2. I went out a bit with my friends, she stayed at her parents and didn't come back for a week and a bit. I said that I could not live without her. She thought I was suicidal or something and came back. 

3. and current seperation. Unfortuntately I again went out with friends, came home at 8.30pm, so only out for a few hours. She said not to go to where I was going, a school reunion, but I went, she found out, then left.

Since the children were born I WAS NEVER ALLOWED to have the kids alone or take them anywhere. Once I was allowed to walk them to the shops and she called on my mobile phone about 17 times asking if they were ok. 

Now its been 8 weeks separated. After calling her to come back, She has taken 3/4 $ out of our account, she was taken her and the kids clothes, demanding that I draft up orders for the kids and property / divorce papers (we both are lawyers)

I did, gave her everything in the property (100%) and I was to see the kids 2 days per week. Thinking this was an awesome proposal, she called and yelled at me stating that I was taking her children from her. 

I remained calm and said, well I would rather you back, but this is reality, if you want it. I need to see the kids. 

She called my business partner constantly, asking how I am, what I am doing etc and I am trying to keep away to give her space.

She is hitting me where it hurts, I am a bit of a tightass, love to save my money, where I was proud of saving up as much as I had done. 

Her excuses were 'they may be trivial, but they mean a lot to me, the twins are hard to take care of, he cant care for them. He is always working, he works after hours some nights. We went out to buy a car, rather than buy an Audi or a BMW, he bought a Ford, he also lied to me about going to the reunion.

My side, she actually said 'if you don't buy this car, I will leave you.' As we had an older car, she wanted a new one, so we bought this one cash. Working after hours is necessary, I lied about the reunion as she constantly whinges at me for going to places and threatens to leave.

I also told her I wanted her back and will work towards it, but even now, at 8 weeks separated she is angry and hostile as ever. 

Im not sure if she is leaving me for good, or she is just teaching me a lesson. 

She knows how much I wanted to save the money, the one action that would kill me is to take it.

I sent her the divorce papers, she never signed them.

The home is still here, she has not called an agent. 

Some of her stuff is still there.

She is living at her parents still. 

I am the only guy she has been with as a partner and sexually. 

She is immensely paranoid. Always locks doors, always wants to check my phone and when there is no texts there from some people, she thinks I deleted them, has barred me of facebook. 

I have seen the kids 3 times at her cousins place for a 2 hours since we separated. 

I gave her 35 days no contact, sent an email outlining that I want her back, what I would do to make her happier. I called her and she still will not listen. 

Her best friend called me, she confided in her she had a breakdown. But still does not want me back. Her friend told her she is an idiot. 

I have not seen my kids in 6 weeks. 

I want her back, talked about seeing kids but she does not want me to see them.

She saw a lawyer, received a letter wanting me to see the kids supervised, like I'm some nut, I sent one back, nice enough saying look we would like weekend contact, here is a psych report saying I'm more than ok. 

She has not responded. 

I'm ready to file, I think she may even come back if I do, but dam, she just will not talk. Picks up the phone, talks over me, then hangs up.

Any ideas guys?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Any ideas?

You're an attorney experienced in matromonial conflict since you've written up divorce papers.

Yet you allow your wife to keep your children from you for 1.5 months? You do nothing about it? Other than forward a psych letter to her attorney to show you're ok? What do you expect that to accomplish?

Step 1- See your kids. She has no legal right to keep them from you, as you oughta know, being that you're an experienced matrimonial attorney.

Unless there's more to this story.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I get the feeling his overarching mission in life is not to make her mad.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

If so that's not working for him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

totamm said:


> If so that's not working for him.


And never will.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

File divorce
Go for joint custody not weekends
180 her
Stop being a doormat

Every action you take is the action you decide is best for you and your kids.
Leave her wants and needs out of the process entirely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

Hello

The letter sent was emanding to see the children on weekends to appease her concerns to see the children.

She did not respond. Her being a lawyer, she knows she needs to respond or at least counter offer. 

It's true, I do not want to hurt her, I feel she may have some issue mentally. Nobody deals with separation and runs home to mum and dad over trivial matters. 

Me being mr nice guy, or 180 for 35 days did nothing it seems. 

I want the relationship to continue and want both of us under one roof with the kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others. Stop being her doormat, and start enforcing your rights. If nothing else, the new reality might knock some sense into her. 

I do find it interesting that you seem to value the money more than your wife and kids though... As you said losing the money would be the one thing that would kill you. Or did I misinterpret?

C


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

I was not really making myself clear really, I meant I value and was proud of the money saved for the kids. We have a interest bearing account for them. She took the money out knowing that I was so happy about it. 

I wanted to work work work for the family. Having them financially safe and her not to work was my goal. Unfortunately reached when she left. 

I had not known how far I drifted doing everything to make her happy. That's why it hurts so I guess.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Danny351 said:


> I was not really making myself clear really, I meant I value and was proud of the money saved for the kids. We have a interest bearing account for them. She took the money out knowing that I was so happy about it.
> 
> I wanted to work work work for the family. Having them financially safe and her not to work was my goal. Unfortunately reached when she left.
> 
> I had not known how far I drifted doing everything to make her happy. That's why it hurts so I guess.


https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

You are far from alone.

Read this tonight - and share your perceptions of it with us.


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

I have read that, thank you.

Insightful, and sobering. Again how far did I go? 

I turned into mr soft lol.

Well perhaps it's time to get a bit resilient and fight for the kids.

She is a bit of a harden up girl. Even when my staffy dog died, after a day of mopping she said 'Christ Dan, harden up, life goes on' showing some metal and having a crack and getting the kids may well shakes her into coming back.

Hey, even not, at 'least' i will get the kids. 

Being mr nice guy resulted in nil.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

If someone came to you with this case, what would advise them?

Do you have a lawyer?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Danny351 said:


> Well perhaps it's time to get a bit resilient and fight for the kids.


"Perhaps" it's time to get a "bit resilient"?

Damn dude- you just don't get it. The divorce train is moving along, it's pulled out of the station, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I suggest you stand up and get off the tracks before you get run over.

Again, _you're an attorney_, you know more about this stuff than I do, but having been through a high conflict divorce with alienation from my own children I know that there's nothing stopping you from going over there right now and picking up your kids.

You have as much of a legal right to be with them as she does.

Unless.. there's more to this story than you have stated and there is a reason why you have never been alone with them and she is able to keep them from you now.

Also that money she took out of the joint accounts?

You are aware that you will most likely be credited for about half that amount at settlement or trial, but you have to make a claim for it?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Danny351 said:


> Hello
> 
> The letter sent was emanding to see the children on weekends to appease her concerns to see the children.
> 
> ...


File divorce
Go for joint custody not weekends
180 her
Stop being a doormat

Every action you take is the action you decide is best for you and your kids.
Leave her wants and needs out of the process entirely.

This is the only way you're going to get what you want


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

Horrible day today, my grand father died. 

Just keeps getting better.

No, there is no further issues I have not spoken off. 

Her actions have amplified 10 fold since birth of the bubs, im thinking post natal.

I tried to call her today, no answer. Filing in court this week. 

Tacoma, getting what I want? how do you mean? the kids or the marriage saved?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Danny351 said:


> Horrible day today, my grand father died.
> 
> Just keeps getting better.
> 
> ...


The marriage.

She's gone, she walked, she's done.

You have to move on regardless so file ASAP and either it'll be awake up call for her or you'll be that much closer to Life 2.0

Give her nothing, don't be vindictive but keep your interests first and foremost because she won't.


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

Very true.

I spent yesterday filling out the supporting application and affidavit for court to see the kids. I flicked it to my Barrister to look over, meeting him Thursday to discuss and file. 

I am putting the house on the market, having the proceeds of sale put into a trust account pending a final hearing.

In the meantime, I will cancel her insurance on her car and sign the title over in her name. 

Pay the required child support per week and spend more $ on the kids when I get them.

Until court, I will agree to supervised contact, as that is what she is proposing and only accepting ATM, begrudgingly. 

It will be a shock and awe campaign, Reality of being at home with an unemployed grandfather and stay at home grandma, with the wife on $700 a week to raise 2 kids will settle soon enough.

Benefit I guess waiting this long, the money she took out of the account, will more than likely be minimal now as her family spend money like a pack of drunken sailors. Let alone legal $, as she is a lawyer, but never practiced in court. She has gone to some feminist law firm nearby, known to bill a lot, but do little. Even they said to my lawyer she is very difficult to say the least. 

I need to do it for the kids, a second, for my marriage. 

I will get the kids, *but will it save my marriage?*

One of lifes many speed humps.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

No, but it will save you.

Don't be her doormat anymore.

This is your only hope.

Your needs come first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

Still hurts so damn much.

I am trying to deal with the reality that she is gone.

Her family, so manipulative. I feel they put her in a position where she feels she cannot cope alone, or with me, so they help her and cast doubt on my adequacies and want me out. After a while she starts to believe it.

She will regret this when it becomes real. Staying at their home, under their watchful eyes, not even allowed to go out at night. 

Im so angry, why would she go back there?!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Still focused on her.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Danny351 said:


> Very true.
> 
> I spent yesterday filling out the supporting application and affidavit for court to see the kids..Until court, I will agree to supervised contact, as that is what she is proposing and only accepting ATM, begrudgingly.


I don't understand this AT ALL. You're pushing papers, whilst she has no legal order in place preventing you from seeing the kids, right? You're the father. Get your A$$ over there and see them!



Danny351 said:


> I am putting the house on the market, having the proceeds of sale put into a trust account pending a final hearing.


You can do that? The rules maybe are different by you but here? Joint marital assets are typically frozen pending further decision of the court or legal agreement between the parties. If she gets the kids, she might get sole occupancy of the home as well. 



Danny351 said:


> I will cancel her insurance on her car and sign the title over in her name.


Same deal here. In these parts, the payor spouse is usually responsible for car insurance during the pendency of the action. 

It also might not look so good to the courts if you put poor mom out on the street with no home and no car insurance.



Danny351 said:


> with the wife on $700 a week to raise 2 kids will settle soon enough.


Plus spousal support aka alimony.

But again, you're an attorney. And apparently so is your soon to be exwife. You _know_ these things.

:scratchhead:


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

totamm said:


> I don't understand this AT ALL. You're pushing papers, whilst she has no legal order in place preventing you from seeing the kids, right? You're the father. Get your A$$ over there and see them!
> 
> *I am in Australia, if I go there I risk a restraining order against me, lawyers here in the eyes of the law know better apparently*
> 
> ...


*At the end of the day, she chose this life, I did nothing wrong. *


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Danny351 said:


> *At the end of the day, she chose this life, I did nothing wrong. *


Maybe so but she still gets her legal share of the marital assets.

Of course you know this but your emotions are running wild and you're probably screaming "It's not fair!".

Life aint fair. 

Then again when we make that decision to marry we're placing a good chunk of the control of our lives into the hands of another person who now has the power to damn near destroy us.

It's not the court's fault, they're just stuck with trying to sort through the mess, and sometimes they don't get it right and we're forced to live with the consequences.


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

True, 

I don't have the time to outline stuff here, but I was a massive contributor to the assets and have nothing to argue against the kids being with me at least half the time.

She came in with debt, I came into the marriage with assets and money. 

Thus, she is not really entitled to much, unfortunately for her. 

Secondly, in Australian law, she is a lawyer, thus she has capacity to earn money and lots of it, this, spousal maintenance is not an option for her.


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

I went to the home yesterday, cleaned out everything, cut the grass and put the rest of her clothes etc in the clothing bin and all trinkets etc in the garbage. 

The house is clean and ready for sale. I have left the home furnished apart from the big screen tv I took plus my tools. She can have the furniture, apart from our good incomes, we had a simple home, simple furniture. 

Court is the next step, one of two things will happen:

1. She will capitulate, freak out and want to resolve the matter and reconcile, we both get the kids. It will be however subject to my conditions of MC and limited contact with her family. 

2. I will get the kids, at least jointly and move on with my life. 

I have put into the court documents an affidavit that is 10,000 words long. All speaking of things during the relationship that her family have no clue about even occurring. 

Her immediate family are very controlling, think that she is perfect and I am the one with issues. Her extended family are trying to get her to speak with me, as they can see through the matter and her family pressure.

Horribly, with the stuff I have in the Affidavit, im sure her family will freak out big time and may even kick her out. I am horribly certain of this. But, in order to get my kids, it needs to be in there. 

It will be interesting the way it turns out, we will aim to file the documents Tuesday. 

The door mat has become the trap door it seems.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Good job. It's really the only way to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Danny351 said:


> I went to the home yesterday, cleaned out everything, cut the grass and put the rest of her clothes etc in the clothing bin and all trinkets etc in the garbage.
> 
> The house is clean and ready for sale. I have left the home furnished apart from the big screen tv I took plus my tools. She can have the furniture, apart from our good incomes, we had a simple home, simple furniture.
> 
> ...


Player. 

I think your missus is in some weird sort of delusion.


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

Well it's been over two months.

She has since done nothing really.

I sent divorce papers, she didn't sign, didn't call real estate agent, have not changed mail address, not transfers rego on car, not closed joints accounts, changed life insurance, still had a lot of stuff here in the home.

I think reality without me and dealing with me fighting for what is mine will freak her out big time.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Danny351 said:


> Her family never liked me, they actually didn't even attend the wedding. Her and I eloped and had a great wedding without them.
> 
> Since that time we reconciled with the family, but marriage issues always lead her back to them.
> 
> ...


thoughts? yeah.. RUN!! Don't let her back in your life except to the extent you need to with you kids. Alot of what you said hit home for me. All of the behavior says one thing...RUN..

She will keep you on the roller coaster ride as long as she can. Don't contact her except for things about the kids.. Stay away...



Danny351 said:


> Well it's been over two months.
> 
> She has since done nothing really.
> 
> ...


and she won't do anything unless she is pushed or someone does it for her... Stop worrying about her and work on yourself..


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## Danny351 (Mar 22, 2013)

Well, war will be declared this week.

The application will ask for a 60/40 spit of the assets in her favour, with joint custody for the kids.

A far cry from giving her 100% of the assets and the kids 2 days a week as proposed when she left. 

Friends, this is a woman who NEVER let me have the children alone, ever. Never understood the value of money, never said thank you for making enough for her and the kids, being around as much as I could, selling everything I didn't need (my cars, assets, boys toys etc) to build up our disposable income. 

It will be interesting how she will react. If history is any clue, she will run around and try to build up an argument and ignore reality, then come back. 

This time, I think the damage has been too severe and I have moved on. 

Issues:
1. I will get the kids. It is just a matter of how much time.
2. How much $ does she have to defend the application? She took out 
$30k 2 months ago. Knowing her, half would be spent on rubbish and 
her family are needy, she is generous = less money to defend. 
To defend a case like this, it will cost on or around $35k. 
3. Her lawyer will advise her to settle, she would not get a better 
outcome at hearing. 

It burns me to think she made me do this. 

On the weekend I went away to a friends place. It was so good to get away, dealing with reality upon return, not so much.......


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