# Am I blowing things out of proportion????



## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

I apologize on the front end for the length but I see no other way. I've been married for 13 years to my wife we have two children both under 10 yrs of age. We have grown apart over the past few years and we both have acknowledged this. A couple of weeks ago I saw a large number of SMS messages on the phone bill to a number that was a friend of mine. I initially didn't think anythign about it. 

Well I kept watching the daily usage and it was still happening.  I then noticed that her phone was always by her side, no matter where she was. I became extremely suspicous. One night I got her phone while she was sleeping and looked at her messages. I found a picture of this guy with his clothes on sitting in a truck, but it was a closeup of him with an erection and the caption was to the effect of if she liked it? There were also other pictures of his face with closeups of his eyes. 

I blew a gasket, when I found this and woke her up and confronted her. She could not say anythign other than it was just a joke. When I asked why these were saved on her phone when she deletes all of her messages she said it didn't mean anything, 

She became very defiant that anything physical had gone on and that they were just friends. I have no reason to believe that anything physical occurred and do not think that it did. I said that it was an emotional affair.

Don't i have a right to be angry about this? I have seen a MC and she has met with her also. We go together in a few days to counseling but I just can't understand why she doesn't realize how hurtful and disrespectful this was to me.

Any thought and comments are appreciated. If more information is needed that won't be a problem either. Trying to keep this concise for everyone.

Thanks...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

blown away said:


> I said that it was an emotional affair.


It *is* an emotional affair and you have a right to be upset. It may be likely that she does not recognize it for what it is. Many involved in an EA don’t even realize it until the damage is done. It is absolutely unacceptable for him to send your wife these kinds of images and even if she thinks it’s a joke I doubt he intended it to be one. Is he married and have you confronted him? She should know better, what did she think you would think?

Starting with counseling is an excellent step I hope you’ve found a good one. As in all affairs, EA or PA she will need to stop all contact with him in order for the marriage to improve.


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Thank you for the response. Now for a little more information... Yes he is married and his wife and my wife have become pretty good friends over the past few months. When I confronted her about this I told her that I was sending the picture to his wife and she was extremely upset as you can understand. They have a little child also and she said that I would be ruining their lives and marriage. I have not sent the picture to his wife. If she is willing to commit to counselling and some progress is made, I will not send it. 

It took me three days to calm down enough to be able to confront him. He knew I found the stuff on her phone. He did not have anythign to say and tried to act like it was by mistake. I have nothing fo rthe SOB now and it makes me literally sick to my stomach to see him in town. 

She knew that I would be upset which is why she didn't want anyone looking at her phone. She saved them for a reason, she won't admit it to me or herself but she did. I told her that the only way I would commit the energy to counselling was if she had no further contact with him and she agreed. After I found the pictures and confronted her the repeated texts stopped. 

I don't know how to deal with this.......... One minute I go from thinking that we can work through this to why am I wasting my time when she won't admit to anything. I've slept probably 48 hrs in the past three weeks. I can't eat cause I am sick to my stomach.

I know that I had not done things that I should have in our marriage and I will take responsibility for that, however I am not the one that went outside the bounds of our marriage to find what was not being received. Having sex once per month for the past 8 years is a lousy way to live, but I have never cheated on my wife. When I would broach the subject of lack of intimacy with her she would get irate and offensive about talking about it. But she can kid and joke around with someone else like this. It doesn't make sense to me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

blown away said:


> I don't know how to deal with this.......... One minute I go from thinking that we can work through this to why am I wasting my time when she won't admit to anything. I've slept probably 48 hrs in the past three weeks. I can't eat cause I am sick to my stomach.


Been there – done that – got the t-shirt

It does get easier. If she has agreed to stop all contact with him then that is an enormous first step. I gather from your post that you live in a small town and that chance contact might occur. Be prepared as to how you will react if she stubs her toe, it might happen but it doesn’t mean all is lost either. Don’t hold the picture over her head forever. When things are better delete it and move on. Like most EAs it sounds as if it may have started by her missing something in her marriage. Hopefully you, your wife and your counselor will be able to understand those things. She also needs to make changes. Sex is obviously an issue for you and she needs to do her part there. In many cases with improved communication, understanding and empathy the sexual issues can correct themselves because you both will feel more loved and desired. Good luck with this but expect that it could take time for you to fully recover.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If she will not admit that it was a complete betrayal and an EA. Simply tell her that you will ask his wife. If I were you . I would tell her that you want her to take a polygraph test. Tell her that this will allow you to get beyond this. Run the information for a local polygraph. And tell her that you set the appointment. Most likely she will dump any other info instead of getting hooked up. Tell her she should jump at the chance to restore your trust in her.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Interesting that she is concerned about ruining _his_ life if you forwarded the pics to his spouse.

It isn't a joke. It isn't funny. And importantly, it isn't the whole truth.

My wife and I are separated, in the early stages of divorce. In her case, she works with the man she became involved with. She insists that she has 'stepped away' from the relationship to figure things out for herself. What is sad, is that in our case we have bottomed out - and she still lies. I don't even confront her any longer. I simply don't trust her, and as a result, know that dissolving the marriage is the right decision.

Good luck walking the wire. It is challenging and frustrating. Be true to yourself.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Um I am sorry but if you had a picture of a girl on your phone like that how would she feel?


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Sunflower:

She would go ballistic and has admitted that. I keep telling her that I'm not going to have two sets of standards that we live by. I can handle a lot of joking around with friends about many issues, but this crossed my line and I have told her that and I told him that. 

She asked where I got the name of the marriage counselor from that we are going to see. I told her it didn't matter and what mattered was that we were going. But she just had to know. So I told her she was referred to me by an attorney. She asked why I couldn't look on th einternet for one since we live in such a small town. She wasn't exepecting my response that I didn't go to an attorney looking for marriage counselor recommndations. I think that finally hit home. 

She is so unwilling to take responsibility for anythig, but she IS going to take responsibility for this or we will go ahead and get divorced. I don't have the emotional energy now to waste my time doing anything. If she is not going to commit 100% then we can live separate lives in separate households. No point in living in the same house and me footing the bill for it if she is going to act this way


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So she doesn't work? First off to let her get a better grasp of the situation. Close any joint bank accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards. And tell her "since I can't trust you with my heart, I feel I can't trust you with my money either." Let her open her own account and give her an allowance or make her get a job. If she has enough time to admire your friends Priapismic penis, she has enough time to get a job. It good to see you taking a hard line on this. Don't forget to run the polygraph info and then tell her you set an appointment for her. If you put her in the car she will spill everything. I would still not rule out a PA.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok wait so this is your friend that she is doing this with? wtf UGHH makes me mad to hear this just cause I thought everyone knew the no friend deal. Umm so what did you say to the friend they are both really wrong and the erection bit sick. like honestly sick. I would punch them both. I am sorry to hear what you are dealing with really. stand your ground and make sure she knows she is wrong.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

How about an update, blownaway


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

I am sorry for what is going on....1st - what does ruining their marriage do....
2nd - you need to cut contact with them (you and your wife). There is no gray area here.
You know what you know. She isn't being open and honest (including doing this while going to councling). Find out of her actions really match that she is trying to work towards a better marriage.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah, load some camel toes on your phone and let her find it.


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Went to our first session this evening and while it was much more difficult than i imagined starting out. After about 20 minutes the counselor made a comment that she could see that she would not have any problems with us being open and straightforward with her. I left feeling much better about my wife's willingness to actually put forward an effort to change and do what is needed. 

We both were given suggestions on how we need to change our communication skills, which is an integral part of our problem. We can discuss issues but we never resolve anything it seems. 

While this was the first session I am glad that we went and hate that we were so bullheaded not to go before now. What happened has happened and while she understands that it hurt me, I don't think anyone can truly appreciate the pain unless you have gone thorugh it yourself. I know I didn't. I am greatful that I was able to discover this before anything went further either intentionally or unintentionally. 

As long as she is willing to work un our relationship and put it first, I will not bring the specific issue up again with her as I agree with the counselor that the issue with the texting and picture was a symptom from deeper issues in our relationship.

So that's my first update.... I am certain that I will have days in which it is difficult to handle and will probably vent here. I want to thank everyone for their support to this point.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

She may be having a physical affair, don't be blindsided. If not, then it was bound to happen. Think about it, would you ever send pics like that to a woman without wanting something? Women aren't stupid, if I got a pic like that I would know what the guy wanted. I would tell him joke has gone too far. You have every right to blow a gasket! 

This sounds exactly what happened to me. I had reason to be suspicious so when he forgot to log off his computer I went in. He had deleted all from inbox and trash but had no clue everything saved in his sent box. So I saw only what he sent, unless she replied and he replied to that so I had a couple of her messages. He sent one pic with him in his underwear taking a pic of himself in the mirror. Later he told me he sent this when she texted him "what are you wearing right now" that was how he responded. There were other closeups of him undressed. When I confronted him I got the same thing "it was a joke!". I told him he was cheating on me, he got furious said that "it was just a few damn pictures and I was overreacting". I told him to get out and not come back, it was over. He later came back apologized and admitted he had a physical affair with her. 

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to upset you but when people have affairs they lie even with evidence against them then turn it on you and show anger. That anger was the clue to me, she has done something very wrong and she knows it. It may just be the pics but it was wrong.


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## ds10 (Jan 31, 2009)

my case was similar except that it was a letter i found in her purse.i FEEL your pain! def not blown out of proporton! the worst part is that you have the "evidence" and they still lie.i cant stand that they dont accept responsibility for their actions.what kills me is wondering if it actually got physical or not,not having closure.
anyway.i'm glad the counseling helped,it gets worse before it gets better,i think.,,,,good luck


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

it gets worse before it gets better,i think
:iagree:


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