# He wants sex while I sleep.



## coffee-makes-me-happy (Jul 28, 2013)

I am so frustrated with my husband right now. I have been up since 6:30 on a Sunday morning because my husband just had sex with me (or should I say "with my nearly unconscious body") while I was trying to sleep. 

It doesn't piss me off that he had sex with me...what makes me angry is that this is the second time that he has done stuff with me in this way and not remotely cared whether I came or not. What makes it worse is that I have been bugging him the whole week to have meaningful sex and I want to connect with him on a physical level so bad. He told me that his back hurts and he just wasn't into it...so I haven't been pushy about it because I know he has serious back issues and I don't want him in pain. All the time though...I have been hinting around wanting to do it. I have tried wearing sexy outfits, walking around the house naked nonchalantly, and doing extra sweet things for him. Now he has sex with me while I'm asleep in the wee hours of the morning and it doesn't feel fair. It takes a little effort to get me going...and as much as I have asked him I feel like he should have had the common decency to wait at least if he didn't want to put forth the effort. 

He knows I wanted it because I put it right out there so many times. I woke up while he was doing it to me and tried to get myself in the mood quickly because I was afraid it would be another week or so till he wanted sex again. Well...it's over now and needless to say I didn't cum because I was so busy _worrying_ about not being able to cum. I'm feeling bitter. We have an 18 month old that is going through terrible two's and I'm a stay-at-home mom...I don't get a lot of time to have sex with him or really much time with him at all, so it's hard.

I don't know what to say to him to get his attention and to let him know why I'm so upset. If I'm overreacting someone please tell me.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i know communication is not easy, because it's not easy for me, but this seems to deserve some kind of communication. even if you make it light-hearted, which it's not. maybe ask him outright, why, after coming on to him all week, obviously wanting to be intimate and have sex, did he choose to take you up on this while you were out cold? and he only satisfied himself.

i'm not exactly in the same boat, but here I am early morning, out of bed. gave my H a BJ, and thinking in my head, what is the % that he will fall asleep right after? 90%, 85%, I settled on 80%. 100% chance again. 

There's another thread here where the spouse isn't happy until/unless the other spouse comes. not us, I guess. 

My only advice, which I'm not following, it to ask him what's up.


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## coffee-makes-me-happy (Jul 28, 2013)

Thanks for your advice. I've been there with the giving-him-a-BJ-and-then-it's-back-to-sleep scenario. It is frustrating...especially because most of the time, you are doing it because you're probably turned on and want to initiate something. Usually, if you're like me, you get sexually frustrated and then that effects my mood. I don't want it to...I wish I wasn't like a dude when it comes to sex. I want it more than he wants it. He just says, "I feel like we are connected on a deeper level than just sex." Well...that makes me feel like crap. 

I know I have an underlying inferiority complex. Especially since the baby. I've lost all the weight and I'm back down to 128 lbs, but your body is never the same. My boobs were never huge but now they just suck all around since the breastfeeding (no pun intended). He says he loves my body now as much as he did...and I've done as much as I can on my end to make myself look good for him.

I try so much harder than he does...and spend so much money on lingerie and stuff for nothing. Feels like a waste of time and money...plus I get my hopes up. The other day he literally laughed at me when I tried to put an "outfit" together for something that he said was always a fantasy for him. He said I looked cute but that it was just wrong. I felt embarassed...and so angry that I didn't even want to talk to him. 

But I'm getting on my soapbox now...sorry. </end rant>


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

coffee-makes-me-happy said:


> If I'm overreacting someone please tell me.


I don't think you are overreacting, but let me give you a man's perspective. Without going into too much information, let's just say that men tend to be very hard right when they wake up, and if he has ED problems he might think that might be the only time he could have sex that day, so it's "now or never".


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I don't think you are overreacting, but let me give you a man's perspective. Without going into too much information, let's just say that men tend to be very hard right when they wake up, and if he has ED problems he might think that might be the only time he could have sex that day, so it's "now or never".


How is there a "but" here? Is that happened to any other woman besides the guy's wife (having sex with someone while they were asleep/unconscious) this wouldn't be a "now or never" situation, it would be a molestation/rape case. Common decency doesn't suddenly evaporate because you are married. Starting to have sex with someone while they are asleep is at best rude, and at worst criminal. 

And sorry, but if you have an ED problem that bad it's on -you- to go talk to a doctor and to address it, not use it as an escape to give lazy, haphazard sex to someone who is asleep.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If I read it correctly the OP is more upset that the husband got off and she didn't. Bringing up "rape" is really not neccesary.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

How about saying to him, "I love having sex with you, it makes me feel connected & close to you. The thing is, I don't feel that way when you're the only one getting off, it feels one-sided to me, that you're only concerned with your orgasm. With the limited time we have to enjoy being intimate, let's use that time to both be able to orgasm."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This sounds like a case of laziness to me.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Since he likes having sex with you while you still sleep you should return the favor. Next time wake up earlier than him, pants off and sit on his face. When he wakes up tell him to stick out his tongue and to start putting some effort.


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## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

My husband is the same way. He never wants sex and I want it all the time, but morning is his favourite time to spring it on me, when I'm all bleary eyed and not in the mood. Now I know men have their highest sexual peak in the morning ( Why Men Want Sex in the Morning - Early Morning Sex - Redbook) but when they only want it when they want it, regardless of whether you do or not, it's selfish, lazy and immature. And yeah, it does make me feel raped when my H doesn't care about my comfort.

This is a horrible situation to be in and I'm so sorry you're in it. The only thing I know to tell you is to stop being available all the time. Tell him no when he's not being considerate. You're not his playtoy to pick up when he wants and put away when he's done. 

I begged for sex for the first year of our marriage before I finally got so bitter at him I didn't want sex anymore at all. After about 4 months of me turning him down, when I was finally in the mood again he realized he'd better get it while the getting's good. He doesn't turn down sex any more.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

next time he "wakes you" just take control of the situation and make him take his time/ get you in the mood ? <nods> unless of course you are just not into it in the mornings


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> How is there a "but" here? I[f] that happened to any other woman besides the guy's wife (having sex with someone while they were asleep/unconscious) this wouldn't be a "now or never" situation, it would be a molestation/rape case.
> 
> Common decency doesn't suddenly evaporate because you are married. Starting to have sex with someone while they are asleep is at best rude, and at worst criminal.
> 
> And sorry, but if you have an ED problem that bad it's on -you- to go talk to a doctor and to address it, not use it as an escape to give lazy, haphazard sex to someone who is asleep.


You seem to be confused about whom you are talking to. I am NOT the OP's husband. And just for your information: *I was NOT excusing the husband's behavior or saying that is was OK to have sex with his wife this way!!!!!* :banghead:

I was ONLY giving one possible explanation about why he is doing these things. Frankly, your advice is unhelpful at best, and escalating the problem with words like "rape" or "criminal" isn't a solution. If the OP wants to bring the law into the situation, that's her prerogative, but while it might help punish the husband for his behavior, it's not going to result in a happy marriage. In fact, it would probably end it.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

*How is there a "but" here? Is that happened to any other woman besides the guy's wife (having sex with someone while they were asleep/unconscious) this wouldn't be a "now or never" situation, it would be a molestation/rape case. Common decency doesn't suddenly evaporate because you are married. Starting to have sex with someone while they are asleep is at best rude, and at worst criminal. *

I really hope my Ex doesn't ever read this, because I used to "wake her up" very often and she seemed to love it, said that was when we both were at our best , but of course she didn't wake up with me on top of her lol, I would spend a good 30-40 minutes prior(use your imagination), and when she woke up she was extremely ready


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Coffee- next time he does this tell him to get off of you in the most serious tone you have. "Get the f off of me". You gotta exercise some control over the terms of th sex. My experience is that sex has to be on both peoples terms or it really is just another kind of masturbation for the one who is dominant. So if he can't even make an effort to have sex on your terms, you shouldn't give him your sex.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Wouldn't saying get the F off of me really ruin the mood ? it sounds like he the one who decides when the right time is and if she has tried to initiate other times ( walking around naked ) wouldn't it just be easier , if he is ready to go in the morning perhaps just set the alarm a little earlier , even on weekends?


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

He has to at least make an effort to meet HER needs or in 10-20 years its not going to be his house she is walking around naked in, it will be the guy who does meet her needs. Not that that is right but after may years the desperation builds to critical mass and then everything just goes to sht.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I couldn't agree more ohno and I think in a healthy marriage morning, noon or night if one spouse is feeling in the mood, the other should comply, but that's just my opinion


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

a man's testosterone level is highest in the early morning hours just after he has slept. If you go into a urologist he will have your blood drawn for a T level test very first thing in the morning.

So it would make sense (especially if he has had trouble performing at night) to try and make his move early in the morning when all systems are go. That being said, treating you like a blow-up doll is unacceptable. If he didn't even care if you were awake or asleep than that is just a huge lack of respect.

Rape? unless you were actually asleep at the time I don't think so.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

*Well...it's over now and needless to say I didn't cum because I was so busy worrying about not being able to cum*. 

I missed this the first time I read it I think, but isn't that a major part of his job as a husband to worry about making you feel good ? doesn't seem like you should worry about that, he should


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If the OP feels my remarks are totally off-base and unhelpful, she can please let me know - and I'll erase or edit them. 

However you label it, I think at the very least, it shows a real lack of consideration about the OPs feelings. Therefore, it's not something personally, that I'd recommend "rugsweeping" as no doubt, this is the kind of thing that could lead to serious resentment pretty quickly. I'd say this going on isn't going to lead to happy marriage anyway, at least not from the OPs side.

Also, there's a difference between starting some foreplay and coaxing a partner into some morning action and - them walking up while you are already "doing it to them." Maybe that's what the OP meant, but from the tone, that's not really the idea I got. I just got the idea she woke up and he was "going at it."
Which is why it seemed more serious to me.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Yea when I read the initial post of this thread , I guess I just assumed there was some foreplay while she was in that in between sleep and wake stage that she didn't mention. or if there was , it obviously wasn't enough to fully wake her up and get her aroused , so if he just sort of rolled on top of her and "began" I can see why she would feel slightly violated and annoyed. The person who compared her to a blowup doll made a good point if that was the case  in any case they need to setup a schedule or something , or at the very least some new ground rules.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> *Well...it's over now and needless to say I didn't cum because I was so busy worrying about not being able to cum*.
> 
> I missed this the first time I read it I think, but isn't that a major part of his job as a husband to worry about making you feel good ? doesn't seem like you should worry about that, he should


Many husbands are like that I suppose. They speed-pump a couple of minutes to get themselves off and don't bother pleasuring the wife. Then afterwards they wonder why she is getting it from someone else. :scratchhead:


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> If the OP feels my remarks are totally off-base and unhelpful, she can please let me know - and I'll erase or edit them.


She already "let you know". What rape victim respond by "trying to get in the mood"?



> I woke up while he was doing it to me and tried to get myself in the mood quickly


That being said it's awfully disrespectful to wake someone up for sex and just get yours. I'm assuming he was going at foreplay before she was woke and then penetrate before she was ready. If he penetrate while she was sleep that's just gross in my opinion. 

If there's an ED problem let your wife know and do something about it.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

This seems like one of those situations that can be resolved by having the wife stand up to the husband and go *Hey, I know you 're my husband and I love you.... but if you ever try to slip in in me in my sleep again I'll file rape charges and leave you for good.*

What OP doesn't realize is that what he did was not about sex it was about power and laying claim to her. If he wants ass in the future he can use his words or else they can go through therapy together, but if he continues this crap it's only going to get worse.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

If there are any ED issues, he could be using his "morning readiness" as a crutch to hide/not address ED issues at other times of the day.

While you are frustrated, he might actually be trying to respond to your friskiness at the best time he is able.

Just a thought,
Stretch


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> This seems like one of those situations that can be resolved by having the wife stand up to the husband and go *Hey, I know you 're my husband and I love you.... but if you ever try to slip in in me in my sleep again I'll file rape charges and leave you for good.*



I really, really hope this was sarcasm. 

If you see some mold or termites in your home, do you immediately burn down the whole house? From gently talking to her husband, to sleeping in another room, to filing for divorce, there are at least a thousand options less drastic than threatening to file charges for rape (which in this particular case probably wouldn't go anywhere anyway because it would be entirely he said/she said).


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Wow just for ****s and giggles I googled it , I am shocked to find out that until 1976 a man could not be charged/ prosecuted for rape if the woman was his wife ? And I am still researching whether having sex with a sleeping person could be classified as rape (man or woman), but I think its a good question for someone in law enforcement / a criminal defense lawyer type.

.* Today it is a crime in all 50 states (and federal lands) for a husband to rape his wife. It is difficult to believe that just 20 years ago (in 1976) no husband could be charged with raping his wife, due to a section in the rape laws called the Marital Rape Exemption. This exemption (which was thought to be common law in some states but the result of legislation in others) actually exempted men from prosecution for rape in cases where the woman he raped was his wife! *


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Sarcasm? No, *BRUTAL* honesty. She's not going to jump to file charges and divorce him no matter what anyone says, but the severity of the situation needs to be exposed. He didn't touch her ass in her sleep or wake her up early with cunnilingus, he sleep creep raped her. 

It's not cute. It's not loving. It's not funny! It was *MARITAL RAPE* plain and simple. She did not want it, they did not agree on this being ok, and he had sex with her unconscious body. It's no different than raping a passed out friend. IT'S NOT OK!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Soveryalone said:


> *Well...it's over now and needless to say I didn't cum because I was so busy worrying about not being able to cum*.
> 
> I missed this the first time I read it I think, but isn't that a major part of his job as a husband to worry about making you feel good ? doesn't seem like you should worry about that, he should


I'm getting the impression that this is the problem. He does not want to have to be concerned about making her feel good. He just wants to get off on his own. So he's starting sex with her when she's asleep and then is done before she has time to warm up.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

My wife made it very clear early on there would be no middle of the night or morning sex. It wasn't even a question. Later she expanded the hours.


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