# 12 years together.. Where did he go? Depression.



## hfcaldw (Sep 27, 2015)

Hey all,

I am Hilary 30 years old and my husband Matt 37 years old and I have been together for 12 yrs,rather married for 5 yrs. Matt's character is everything I love in a man: caring, thinks of others before himself, hardworking, Godly, and takes very good care of me ( I am a full-time student at Clemson University). With that said, we are a one income family. I understand it is very difficult on my husband because if he loses is job, we lose everything. 

His job is very very high stress and it has made him dip into a huge depression. Not only the job but our one income situation that brings the stress to a higher level. Also, his father died on my birthday (Sep10) which makes it even worse. His father died quite a few years ago but the hurt never heals.

Before we moved to Clemson we moved in with his mother because the University was closer to her home than ours. His drinking progressed to an every night event.

His drinking lasted for 3 years while I have been in school. I took on all the responsibilities: cleaning the house, paying the bills, taking out the trash, grocery shopping, taking dogs out, washing cars, making Matts counseling appointments. To top it off I felt like I was living by self while he sits on the couch and watches TV and drink. After taking care of the household, I had to stay up and do homework. I became fed up on Valentines Day 2015 where he passed out drunk at 7pm. Holidays are not that important to me because I know we love each other but do NOT go to sleep at 7pm on valentines day!

Hes been in counseling for about 3 months now and have not gotten to the depression issue. A few days ago we came to a breaking point: I told him that he is depressed.. end of story. He admitted it, surprisingly. 

Now I am in a difficult predicament. My husband is depressed. What do I do now? I have read several articles on the steps of depression and how to handle it but since his behavior has been terrible for so long (3yrs), I fly off the handle very quickly. I feel like I have lost a great deal of my patience with him and it is harder to get over silly or serious fights.

Even though I need to practice my patience with Matt because of his depressed illness, it still effects me. It effects me in ways where I dont want to do anything after we fight and I cry. Most of the time I am in a bad mood because he is in a bad mood. I feel like a crazy person because he makes excuses/defensive for EVERYTHING. I guess my question is: how do I cope with my husband being depressed and how do I deal with his episodes? I am already fed up because of the duration of frustration that has built up until we finally have found out why he has changed.

I have struggled with depression many times and have overcome without medication. Therefore, I understand him and my experiences are helping me tremendously be a patient as I can be.

Help.

Lovers, Best Friends in Distress.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just because you have overcome depression without medication does not mean that he can do the same.

The first step I would recommend is taking him to someone qualified to diagnose him, if he has depression.

Next step is to discuss whether he wants to go a medicated route or try some holistic healing first. Not all people require medication, although there are some medications that are meant to temporarily "help" until you can get better control of your moods.

I'd also recommend he consider changing his job. A job is a job. Your life is not something your job or your boss gives 2 [email protected] about. Only you can care for yourself and your health. It doesn't even sounds like he likes his job that much. Sometimes we must take whatever job we can get due to financial constraints, but typically, these kinds of situations are temporary. They should never be permanent.

His job is affecting his mood and his relationship with you. All the treatment in the world won't make a difference in the long term if you don't deal with the source of the depression.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

No job that turns someone a mentally ill alcoholic is a job someone ought to take or keep. 

That job is nothing to fool around about and is not worth suffering under any circumstances

What is mental health and sobriety worth?

If your life requires your husband to lose his mental health and sobriety it is way past time for some very drastic changes before it's to late. 

Your "flying off the handle" is the most loving way to proceed. 

I would think that was obvious but hey...


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