# How to divorce without financial means?



## huh123 (May 3, 2015)

*Summary:*
9 year Marriage finally coming to an end...

*My lawyer says that:*
I can't kick her out. In order for me to separate from her, I would need to file for divorce, break our current lease agreement and find a place for me and the kids. After she is served with papers, she would not be entitled to demand shelter in the new home anymore. 


*Right now my problems are that:*

1. I am currently financially unable to put a new security deposit on a new residence since we are barely getting by. 

2. I am not the type of guy who just dumps the mother of his children at the shelter with $2 in her pocket. But at the same time, I also just can't afford to pay 2 places. 

3. Not having her around and dropping off kids at school and picking them up would cause problems with my current job schedule or additional financial burden since I would require services of a nanny. 

4. I am not planning on making my lawyer rich and taking all disputes to court. I can't afford the legal battle. 

5. Most importantly. Our kids are young. They are in elementary school. Ideally I would like them to have 50/50 access to each of us which is going to be difficult due to the lack of funding for an additional residence. 

6. Only got 1 functional vehicle at the moment. But she needs a set of wheels to drive kids back and forth and I need to get to work. 


*What should I do? Spent my last $10 in scratch-offs and hope for the best? *


______________________

*Some more info:*

College educated spouse, 15+ years litigation experience who could easily contribute towards financial problems is refusing to work. 

I am busting my butt from 8AM to 6PM and barely can cover all bills. I constantly need to loan money from family. My spouse on the other hand is kicking back and pursuing her Facebook addiction. She calls it her career. She can not put that cellphone down. She is constantly on Social Media primarily Facebook. She gets a kick out of other people liking her posts. It's soo sad. She measures her success in life by the amount of facebook likes she receives. We are not talking about a teenager here, this is a co-dependent, remorseless serial cheating drug addict and alcoholic approaching nearly 50 years of age. By now, I am an alcy myself. 

Excuses given:
- "I am too pretty for this. I should be zipping champagne on a yacht"
- "I am not going back to my job, I don't want to take crap from lawyers again"
- "You promised you would take care of me"
- "I am busy with the kids"
- "I did contribute. Remember when I was getting unemployment for 2 years"

It get's worse. She is soo tight up in her social media life that housework is neglected too. Piled up dishes, kids laundry barely done, no meals prepared. She waits for me to come home from work and cook. Kids homework not properly done or checked. Her homework schedule is 10 mins before breakfast before school starts. Everything is saved til the last minute. Her addiction requires 12 hours per day Social Media. She is denial but refuses a timer. 

I am very unhappy with my wife. There is a lot of flirting and cheating going on with her 100s of Facebook friends. There are feelings still and a ton of co-dependency issues.

I have a lawyer, I have a retainer for divorce. My lawyer says that people with small children file divorce once they have agreed on most aspects i.e. residences, primary caretaker aso

We can't agree on much, it's been going on for a year now and I can't take it anymore. My wife does not spend a whole lot of time with the children to begin with. 90% of her time is allocated to social media. She is NOT the primary caretaker although she drops off kids at school since I am at work and deals with most paperwork such as insurance and medical.

She wants to take on primary caretaker role so that I financially support her. When I met my wife she was already divorced and was getting child support from her ex for a very long time. I have no intentions going down that route. I know how the child support funds were allocated back than. She has barely contributed a dime to our marriage in the last 5 or 6 years. 

I know she loves the children and $1 microwaveable meals or not, I know that kids are safer and more loved with her opposed to some random nanny. It's mommy after all.

Of course, it gets worse...

Being cheated on now multiple times, I am aware of my current doormat situation but I can't afford a legal battle and neither can she. We are in a new state and none of us has any type of support system here. My job/career in this new state is going well and progressing but she wants to return back home. 


1. Am I hurt by infidelity? Yes
2. Is there a day that goes by that I don't think about it? Rarely
3. Can I stand looking at my wife on Facebook 24/7 with a $0 income, minimal contribution to household and kids? I hate it. I can't do it anymore. I can't even look at heir anymore when she is "wired in".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she know that you are planning to divorce her?

Have you tried things that amount to you ending your enabling of her destructive behaviors... like turning off the internet?

Then tell her that if she wants internet she needs to get a job.


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## huh123 (May 3, 2015)

Yup, both in the same boat. I've been down the route you suggest, no luck. It made the situation worse. Control is not working. I fully let go of controlling.

Note: You are dealing with addicts. An addict will find a way. She'll go down to the library.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why would you care if she went down to the library?

The library is not going to allow her to use their computers all day and night. 

When did her last affair end? Does she want to move in with an affair partner? That's a solution. Then no alimony and you file for custody of the children.


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## huh123 (May 3, 2015)

Just found out that it would be a crappy idea to do this in FL. Not interested in paying life-time alimony. 

I tried the route with the last affair partner, but she is saying that she isn't going anywhere without the children. Also, she no longer has an interest in that guy. They were on and off for the past year. 

As far as my research goes - correct me if I am wrong - infidelity issues are no longer an issue at courts. Particularly with small children, courts aim to decide whats in the best interest of the children.

On top of that her sugar daddy came from out of state. Huge commute by the way. They were in love!


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## huh123 (May 3, 2015)

As far as the library is concerned... that was just an example. Limiting her Internet access is not a solution. It's her whole world. Trust me, I did this many times. Took phone, laptop etc. away. She becomes very emotionally abusive and vicious towards me and children and barricades herself into her room and does absolutely nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huh123 said:


> As far as the library is concerned... that was just an example. Limiting her Internet access is not a solution. It's her whole world. Trust me, I did this many times. Took phone, laptop etc. away. She becomes very emotionally abusive and vicious towards me and children and barricades herself into her room and does absolutely nothing.


Does she become vicious enough for you to call the police and have her behind hauled out of there?

She sounds mentally unstable. Does she have any family? Are they aware of her state of mind?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It looks like the alimony reform bill did not pass on Friday.. maybe next session/year.

Your marriage is a moderate term marriage 7-17 years. You really need to talk to an attorney.

Statutes & Constitution :View Statutes : Online Sunshine


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## huh123 (May 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Does she become vicious enough for you to call the police and have her behind hauled out of there?
> 
> She sounds mentally unstable. Does she have any family? Are they aware of her state of mind?



Law enforcement is also out of question, particularly in FL. 

My golden advice to others: (sry bout caps)

IF YOU HAVE SMALL CHILDREN AND RESIDE IN FL, NEVER EVER CALL COPS ON YOUR SPOUSE UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TAKEN AWAY AND SEXUALLY ABUSED IN CPS CARE FOR AT LEAST 12 MONTHS.

They will try to put you into a case plan and suck your finances dry as well. Everybody is in on this game. CPS, Lawyers, Judges, Sheriff ... Child trafficking in its purest form. 


Having her arrested would only be a temporary fix which would make things worse. Closest family is approx. 8-10 hours by car. They are somewhat aware of her mental instability but sweep it under the carpet with an attitude such as "she has always been like that".

She has no interest in going there.


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## huh123 (May 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It looks like the alimony reform bill did not pass on Friday.. maybe next session/year.
> 
> Your marriage is a moderate term marriage 7-17 years. You really need to talk to an attorney.
> 
> Statutes & Constitution :View Statutes : Online Sunshine



Thanks for the info and link and thanks for your input. Much appreciated. 

Last thing my attorney said was this:

"Look buddy, I do this all day long. Couples come in, sign the papers. End of story. You are not ready for a divorce. I highly suggest you go and seek a co-dependance group."

So I went there. 
Still, I am here...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree about the co-dependency group and help.

You are enabling her and making excuses for her. 

Get the book Co-Dependent No More.

No mentally stable person gets that involved in an online life. I've been through this with my ex. Co-dependency is when you put the needs of another ahead of your own. It's a normal reaction to a bad situation. There is a way out of it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Cut off her internet and cell phone. She's already verbally abusive to you. It wouldn't take much for her to hit or shove you. When she does, file DV charges and an order of protection. She'll be out of the crib. If you want her to get out of the house and seek employment, you need to make lounging around the house less comfortable. Doesn't sound like you can afford these luxuries, anyway. Facebook isn't getting her a set of wheels or a job. If she's addicted to social media, you are her "crack dealer". She isn't spending her time being distracted by anything that you aren't providing for her. If she's being lazy and spending all her time on the internet, you are the one making it possible for her to be.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm going to feel like the heel for asking this but .... if your wife has had affairs off and on the entire time you've been married - have you DNA tested these kids?

I mean, are you looking to re-arrange your life to get custody of kids who might not even be yours?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

It will probably take you losing your job to force you to do the hard choices you have been avoided doing.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

"When I met my wife she was already divorced and was getting child support from her ex for a very long time. I have no intentions going down that route." You will be going down this route if she gets custody of the children. Odds are she will unless you can prove she is unfit like she is doing drugs or drunk all of the time. I doubt telling the judge she is social media addict is going to make her loose custody of the children. 

Did she have a PA or just talking to people on Facebook? It sounds like you are too broke to get a divorce right now. You say you can't afford a legal battle but if you want a divorce and she doesn't then there is going to be a legal battle especially since kids are involved.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It may get worse before it gets better; however, know that it gets better. 

Start documenting everything. Create an extra email account and email yourself everything:

- journal entries showing what you do with the kids
- photos of every event, every playdate; show you are truly the primary caregiver based on the fact you are the one who interacts with them mostly.
- any documents, screenshots of her phone, her emails - anything to show she lacks good judgement
- any communication that shows she is uncooperative and refuses to work, even with a higher level of education
- calendars reflecting activities, mental health appointments, etc.

Unfortunately your state requires both parties to consent to recording conversations. However, if you set privacy expectations, this might not be an issue.

For instance, what about buy a security camera/nanny cam. Tell her about it. Tell her where it's placed. It's for SECURITY. Document she knows about it. Heck, if you can get her recorded on it saying "yeah that's a good place for it" or whatever, do that. Use the excuse of break-ins in the area or that you want to work on the marriage and want to ensure the well-being of the kids with a baby sitter. Whatever you know she will go along with. Then offer to take her on a date, a picnic, whatever you need as an excuse to set up a camera in the house that records with HER CONSENT. Wait a while. Let her forget about it. Obviously if the camera uses a wireless network you can't cut it off but you can certainly show you are being reasonable, she refuses to work, she doesn't interact with the kids, etc. Perhaps even reiterating earlier agreements, if in fact they existed; i.e. "honey, remember you said once the youngest was in kindergarten you'd go back to work". Or if you can set it up with a recording device attached, then you can cut off the wireless, internet/TV and record her behavior. Whatever your attorney says will work in your favor. If you do all of that, you will fare much better and save in litigation - your attorney can say they have everything documented.

The sooner you get out, the less of an issue with alimony. 

Remember, even bankruptcy ends. It may take years to get your financial feet back under you, but the sooner you start, the sooner you'll be there.


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