# I don’t know what to do anymore.



## Shane3486 (Jan 26, 2021)

Hello everyone,
I been married for 10 years. I love my wife very much. I travel a lot and 5 years ago I found out my wife was cheating on me. It took me a long time to get over that and she thinks I still being to nosy in her personal stuff. I only ask who she is talking to every few months on the phone Bill.. well I no longer have access to check the phone Bill nor Facebook.. Am I wrong that I am not ever suppose to check up on her again? I mean I was crushed! How can I just move on from that.. She also talks to her ex husband I think a little to much.. Yes they have a son together but that doesn’t mean to talk and text 15 times a day.. Am I crazy or is the relationship as good as dead.. Of course this is the short version...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie a lot. Currently you are living under her control. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I think you know the answer but like a lot you won’t make the decision you need to make.

read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure what you did to reconcile (what work she was made to do sometimes called heavylifting) but it sounds like you kind of rugswept it. She does not sound remorseful - she should be bending over backwards to give you what you need. And you have every right to look at any of her devices and complete transparency. As for her talking to her ex it would depend on what their coparenting was like (assuming she has kids with him), but you would have known before marrying her hopefully. The norm should be to only talk about (urgent/important) matters to do with the kids and nothing else. If there are no kids, then there should be no communication whatsoever!

As for her actually stopping your access to her phone bill/account, I would consider that to be an act of war in the marriage and so yes, I am sure that you can see the writing on the wall. Your "wife" is not marriage material. Incidentally, why did she split with her first husband ?

You may well have only discovered the tip of the iceberg 5 years ago - are you sure you have the whole truth? She sounds like the kind of person that would have started cheating from the get go but only got caught once. How did you discover her infidelity 5 years ago?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Shane3486 said:


> How can I just move on from that..


You cannot "just move on".... your wife has to live, and demonstrate to you, a state of repentance..... continually, UNTIL, you know it's real....and you see that she "gets it", how much she hurt you by these affairs....



Shane3486 said:


> Am I crazy or is the relationship as good as dead..


You aren't crazy. Your relationship is not "as good as", it is dead. No marital relationship can exist when the wife does not respect her husband.

In the realm of truth, your wife has already divorced you. Husbands and wives operate in transparency to each other, ALL the time. No transparency, no marriage.

Your wife regards you as a "chump".

*CHUMP LADY*


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If she has concealed the phone bill from you, there is a reason. She is probably back to her old cheating ways because there were no serious repercussions for her.
Sounds like the affair 5 years ago was rug swept and NOT resolved. Did she go to counseling to find out why she cheated? Did SHE do the work -- open her phone, email, etc. so that you had full access? Was SHE remorseful or just sad she got caught? 
If you are still traveling, get a PI and have her watched when you travel. I bet you will find that she is still having her affair and just hides it better now.
VERY sorry you are going through this, but YOU need to decide if she is worth keeping KNOWING that she is out with other men. You already gave her a chance once. Sounds like she blew it and is back to cheating.


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## AngSW89 (Jan 26, 2021)

Shane3486 said:


> Hello everyone,
> I been married for 10 years. I love my wife very much. I travel a lot and 5 years ago I found out my wife was cheating on me. It took me a long time to get over that and she thinks I still being to nosy in her personal stuff. I only ask who she is talking to every few months on the phone Bill.. well I no longer have access to check the phone Bill nor Facebook.. Am I wrong that I am not ever suppose to check up on her again? I mean I was crushed! How can I just move on from that.. She also talks to her ex husband I think a little to much.. Yes they have a son together but that doesn’t mean to talk and text 15 times a day.. Am I crazy or is the relationship as good as dead.. Of course this is the short version...


Hi Shane3486
It seems we have a lot in common but there are some differences. I've been married for 16 years and married a second time. I must admit I came with trust issues but thought that was long gone since 1st marriage ended. I married young I was 19 and had 3 girls. I never had proof but his actions showed he was cheating (came home very late with you know what in his underwear to say the least) and he was physically abusive/jealous. I stayed afraid most of the time. I couldn't win! Its surprising I stayed as long as I did but it was mostly for my 3 girls. They are all grown now (24,21, 20). My current husband is VERY private which brought up the thought of "Is he cheating." He hasn't been this secretive before. He never talks about anything-whether personal, frivolous or just what happened that day. I receive the phone bill, started looking for repeating numbers and length of call. Of course this gives me no proof but it bothers me. and puts me back in the state of mind of ????? I had to stop myself from checking because it is taking my days, hours in tasteless thought. It's difficult to not check. If I ask questions he knows I've been looking and will give me the silent treatment for days to weeks. He was a former marine and he likes to play mind games. I think he wants me to get fed up and leave. I am no longer working and mostly at home alone. So I can't. I would like to have that option to know I'd be taken care of and not have to work but unsure how it will all work out. We have a 14 yr old son and I feel he's only sticking around because of his son. Eventhough COVID is rampant, preventing people from doing much-we do nothing together. He comes home in the evening everyday but has a very easy job and you can do just about anything you want as long as you see your scheduled patients. Instead of freaking out losing my mind I found this forum to see if anyone could relate or give advice from experience. 
Shane if you can be totally at ease with your decision without apprehension about anything-then I think you should go with your heart. I won't dare say what you should do because you know best!


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

The title of your thread is misleading. You DO know what to do, you just lack the nerve to actually do it. You need to set some boundaries and take control of this relationship instead of being led around by your nose. So right now, go get your nuts out of your wife's purse, man up and take control.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you wife if she is truly remorseful should understand that any trust between you two is gone on your side. and she needs to offer complete and 100% transparency and anything lacking of that shed doubt and distrust again...clearly she is not remorseful and i would tell her as such and tell her that id she is hiding anything you will divorce her sorry ass. 
i would tell her to give you access or back her bags


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Shane3486 said:


> Hello everyone,
> I been married for 10 years. I love my wife very much. I travel a lot and 5 years ago I found out my wife was cheating on me. It took me a long time to get over that and she thinks I still being to nosy in her personal stuff. I only ask who she is talking to every few months on the phone Bill.. well I no longer have access to check the phone Bill nor Facebook.. Am I wrong that I am not ever suppose to check up on her again? I mean I was crushed! How can I just move on from that.. She also talks to her ex husband I think a little to much.. Yes they have a son together but that doesn’t mean to talk and text 15 times a day.. Am I crazy or is the relationship as good as dead.. Of course this is the short version...


All electronics and passwords should be available to you. If they are not, then something is being hidden. Trust your gut.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds miserable. This is not how marriage is supposed to work.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I'll ask again - how did you catch her 5 years ago? Why did she divorce her first husband? And finally, are you sure the first time was her only rodeo?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

If she were interested in you healing from her actions, she would give you free reign on the phone bill, the phone, communications of any fashion. She screwed up..she's the one who needs to earn back the trust. She's doing just the opposite now. 

There is a reason.


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