# Overreacting or is he a control freak?



## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

Hello everyone. I am looking for opinions about a situation in my marriage. I am going to try to keep this as short as possible but will be happy to elaborate if needed.

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have more than a normal amount of kids who are between the ages of 19 yrs - 5yrs. We are poor and barely scrape by from week to week. This situation leads to a lot of arguments that have left me with little respect left for my husband. I don't know if I am over reacting or if I am enabling him. That is what I need help figuring out.

For examples to the type of arguments we have -

We have $40 left for the week. He needs gas money to get to work and we need bread and milk (or some other basic thing like that). He argues that he should have the whole $40 for gas because he needs it more than we do. If he doesn't go to work we can't pay the bills. I suggest at least buying a loaf of bread before he spends the rest on gas and he will refuse. No compromise. 

We have 2 cars. My mom gave me my dad's old car after he passed away. My husband likes my car better than his so he takes it every single day. I ask him not to and he tells me that he needs it more than I do because he drives a long way to work and my car uses less gas. He will also argue that my car is more reliable. My argument is that if his car isn't good enough for him then it shouldn't be good enough for his wife and kids. I tried to come up with a compromise. He could drive my car to work half of the time and his the other half. At first that was fine and now he says that he is driving it every single day. 

In every situation it is the same thing. He does what he wants and does not care what I say. He refuses to even compromise. Sometimes he will make an agreement with me short term and then go back on it later.

Right now I am so angry with him that I don't want to even work this out. I don't even think I could have a civil discussion with him. I feel like he is trying to be controlling but I know that I am super sensitive to people doing that kind of thing. My ex was a control freak and abusive and sometimes I wonder if I just see a little of that in everyone.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your husband is not controlling. He is selfish, rigid and uncompromising. But you are not over reacting.

While I understand your point on the car, he does have a valid point. If his daily drive is long and you don’t have to drive that distance everyday then it makes sense for him to drive. He should not however, agreed to the arrangement about sharing then just go against it without a discussion as to why.


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## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

He takes the same amount of money out each week whether he is using his car or mine so I don't think it is making that much difference. That was never my point when I made the agreement with him anyway. Basically, I did it because he likes my car and I don't mind sharing. I didn't tell him that I realized he was lying. I guess I let him believe that I was convinced by his argument.

Anyway, I didn't point out in my original post that he has a habit of lying to get his way. Even when I know for sure he is lying I don't always call him on it. It just starts a fight and he will never admit the truth anyway so I guess I just see it as a waste of time to even try to deal with. I can't tell you how many times he has given me 4 or 5 different stories to explain one thing before. (Actually putting that thought into words makes me see that as a really stupid way of dealing with his lying but I don't know what else to do about it.)

edited to add : This whole thing with the car is a touchy subject with me for a lot of reasons so if I seem to be unreasonable please let me know.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

what do you mean by : He takes the same amount of money out each week whether he is using his car or mine ?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

do you think the car is a touchy subject for you because it was your dads? were you close with your dad? 

how does he feel about the whole thing? what would be his side of the story?


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## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

snix - He takes the same amount of money out of our checking account for gas for the week whether he is using his car all week or whether he is using my car all week. 

Amplexor - I had to think about your comment about him being selfish for awhile. I still don't know what to think about it. I never really saw him as selfish really. I always thought it was more short sighted. As in he can only see how things effect him and doesn't realize what it does to us. He is very generous in some ways. If he sees a stranger who needs something and he has it to give he will. If he goes to the store and sees something he thinks one of us will like (and he has the money to do it) he will get it.


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## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

ljtseng said:


> do you think the car is a touchy subject for you because it was your dads? were you close with your dad?
> 
> how does he feel about the whole thing? what would be his side of the story?


This is a long explanation and that is why I didn't put it in my first post. 

The fact it was my dad's is a big part of the reason. My mom gave it to us after a lot of thought. Her words were that she has seen how my husband takes care of his car and she would be upset if she gave it to us and it got ragged out. She made him promise that the car would be for me and that we would keep it in good shape. She was afraid of giving it to us at first because she was afraid that my husband would take it and not let me use it. He agreed to all of this by the way and seemed to be happy for me to have a car that had working air conditioning finally (we live in the southeast US). I had been driving the kids around in a car without air for 5yrs and was happy not to have to do that anymore. Right now not having air isn't an issue. 

The other part of the reason is because he does not have any respect for other people things. He is trashing the car. It is filthy and full of garbage. I took a whole bag of garbage out of the car earlier this week which included empty food and drink containers. He said he would clean it but he is a huge procrastinator and if left on his own it could take months before he gets around to doing it (it has already been several weeks). He won't get the oil changed or do any maintenance on it and it isn't at the house during times of the day that I can take it to get it done.

My dad and I did not get along any of the time I was growing up and most of my adulthood. We fought constantly. It wasn't until the last few years before he passed that we were able to get along. It is a touchy subject for me and another long explanation. 

I kinda mentioned his side in the first post. He feels that he needs it more because it uses less gas and it is more reliable than his. When my mom gave me the car he seemed happy for me. I don't know if that has changed. When we made the agreement about me using the car certain days and him using the car other days he said he thought that sounded like a good way to do it. Other than that I do not know exactly how he feels about it. If I try to talk to him about it in any way he gets angry with me and just repeats all the reasons why he needs it more than I do. 

He gets very defensive about this subject too and I am wondering now if there is more to it. Before my dad died he said he wanted the car to go to my brother. He did not want my husband to have it because my husband had borrowed the car before when he was working on his car. It took him months to get it back to my dad and my dad was pissed. My mom told me all of that but I did not tell my husband because I saw no reason to. It would just make him angry and maybe hurt his feelings and there was no reason he needed to know that my dad died holding a grudge against him. It just now struck me that someone else may have told him.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

AnnaW said:


> Amplexor - I had to think about your comment about him being selfish for awhile. I still don't know what to think about it. I never really saw him as selfish really. I always thought it was more short sighted. As in he can only see how things effect him and doesn't realize what it does to us.



I would say that’s a pretty good definition of selfish. Being selfish doesn’t preclude one from doing for others but his actions don’t indicate he is putting others before himself either. If he can’t understand that his actions impact you in a negative way he won’t work to improve them. His behavior is compounded by a lack of empathy for you the kids.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Anna,

He shouldn't be taking ANY money out for the car at all each week. Have him go to the gas station, fill it up and bring you the receipt. If he's filling the car with fast food containers and you don't have bread and milk for the kids, he's stealing food from his kids. 

Put your foot down for their sake! I will let my guy walk all over me, but I'm VERY protective when it comes to the kids. They will NOT go hungry because dad is eating out every day. No way.

Tell him he can borrow Your car when he shows he can take care of his. Go on strike if you need to to get him to stop taking the money for himself for all this eating out. Offer to make him lunches, and take over the food budget. Which one of you is better with money and getting things done?

Who's name is the bank account in? How many accounts do you have? who buys groceries? who cooks? who cleans?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AnnaW said:


> He agreed to all of this by the way and seemed to be happy for me to have a car that had working air conditioning finally (we live in the southeast US).


so if he was ok with you having the car, how has it ended up with him having the car all the time and you none of the time? did you feel guilty so you let him take it? I think you might have issues with standing your ground.


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## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

snix11 - How do I put my foot down? If I say we don't have enough money or if I ask him to check with me to make sure we have enough in the account before he gets money out he refuses to. What else can I do? I don't have the right to tell him what to do and I feel strongly against doing that. 

We have discussed this civilly and we have argued about it. We have one account that is in both of our names and we each have a savings account that is only in our name. I put money aside in mine for emergencies because any money in our joint account gets spent. Though that money gets used often to help pay bills when we are short. At least I have it to use and that is better than it was before. He will even overdraw our joint account. He is terrible with money and can't seem to keep track of how much money he spends. I told him this week we had a certain amount of money left and he took almost $20 more than what we had. He did not believe me at first that he did it until I went online and showed him where he had taken money out (he didn't take it all out at one time - it was several transactions).

I have asked him many times to start keeping track of every little thing he spends money on so he can see what he is spending it on. After years of going over this and me showing him in our account just how much he is taking out each week he finally agreed to start doing that last night. (at first he didn't want to because he said he is a grown man and he doesn't feel he should have to answer to me. I told him he didn't even have to show me any of it. I was just asking him to do it so he could see for himself how much money he spends each week.) 

To your other questions - we both buy groceries, I cook most of the time and me and the kids clean. He will cook dinner occasionally and he cleans our bedroom.


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## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

Amplexor - I see your point. I guess I just worded it differently to make it not sound so bad. 

ljtseng - This is another thing I am not sure what I can do other than what I have done. I tried talking to him about it. I tried just flat out telling him that I need the car today and he just jumps in the car and takes it. I can't physically stop him from doing it. The only other thing I can think to do is hide the keys. I am not sure if that is a good way to handle it or not. I don't want to turn this into a war. I just want my husband to treat me with respect.

I don't think I could have just told him he can never use the car. That just seems selfish to me - so yea maybe I would have felt guilty for saying no. I just figured on making a compromise. It never occurred to me that he would start refusing to let me use it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

you know for a long time my h and i stressed about how much money we were spending. of course i blamed him and he blamed me. so what we started doing was taking out a certain amount of cash each week and that was ours to spend for the week. when the cash was gone, it was gone. we left our credit/debit cards at home. It has worked out really well for us. the fighting completely stopped. 

that is so odd that your H will just take the car and run. maybe you can have a calendar up with your names written on it when its your turn for the car. do you think he would agree to that? that way there's no miscommunication. im just having a really hard time grasping the idea that someone can be that childish.


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## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

ljtseng said:


> maybe you can have a calendar up with your names written on it when its your turn for the car. do you think he would agree to that? that way there's no miscommunication.


That was pretty much what we had agreed to before. He used my car on certain days and I used it on certain days. We have tried to come to agreements on a number of things. The problem I am having and what is frustrating me so much is that no matter what the agreement may be he will just do whatever he feels like. 

How do you work out problems when someone does that and is it even possible? I know that no one here can give me any definite answer but if anyone has any ideas I would appreciate it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I was thinking about this the other day and does he feel any kind of social pressure with the car? i was just wondering if he works in an environment where they go to lunch, or something. he might feel better about himself if he has a nicer car. 

i dont think there's anything you can do if he just takes the car and doesnt stick to your agreement. unless you want to sleep with the keys. but then you might start to feel ridiculous.


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## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

If he feels pressure about keeping up appearances it isn't coming from other people. He does tend to put more on himself (at work) than is necessary in many aspects so I suppose that could be part of it. 

He said he was going to make some time tonight to talk about things (relationship). That is unusual for him. He normally likes to avoid things and hope they just go away. I have no idea how this is going to go but crossing my fingers that it is at least productive. 

Thank you very much for all of the feedback. I really appreciate it.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi AnnaW 


quote : "The problem I am having and what is frustrating me so much is that no matter what the agreement may be he will just do whatever he feels like. 

How do you work out problems when someone does that and is it even possible? I know that no one here can give me any definite answer but if anyone has any ideas I would appreciate it. "

You have answered your own question. From reading your posts, it's clear that your hubby might be a bit overbearing, and selfish indeed, not to mention messy. Here is the thing.... if you have already admitted that you make agreements with him, and you try to compromise, but he Always goes back on those agreements, or promises, and does whatever he wants to, then you already know the answer to your question. He has no respect for your wishes. A person like that, probably won't ever stick to an agreement. It's very difficult for people to change. So, here is what you can do, you can 

1: stay with him, and just put up with it. In other words, continue on like you have been.

2: you can seek counseling, if you can find a way to afford it, and try to make him see how this hurts you, and your love for him.

3: You can leave him. 

It doesn't sound as if telling him how much this hurts you is doing any good. Unfortunately a situation like this, where he holds all the power, and you like you said, have issues with telling him what to do.... is not going to be resolved easily. Even if you did tell him what to do, and put your foot down, it's likely he'd do whatever he wants anyway. I hope he is not physically abusive to you, I am not assuming he is! But, he fits the character profile. My first hubby was like yours, and even if I told him I'd not stand for it, it just caused a fight, and then he'd hit me, or kick me, or try to push me down the stairs. Needless to say, I dumped him.  I hope you figure this out. You need to think about your happiness too, but also your children's well being. No man would ever choose himself over feeding his wife and kids.... not a man worth having anyway.


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## tnyn01 (Feb 24, 2009)

Try this: Tell him how you feel about the way he treats you. Then ask him how he would feel if someone treated him that way. Sometimes we men don't always realize how what we do and say effects those around us. Also, talk to him about compromise. Explain that in marriage, its about us - not mine and yours. If there's $40 dollars left, the kids are OUR responsiblity, get the bread and milk and we'll split the rest. If your husband's car isn't reliable, put a little money aside and take it to the mechanic. Once both cars are 100%, it won't matter who has which car. It sounds like he may be experiencing some frustration on the job - get him to open up about that, it could help the marriage.


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