# New here. lil help please



## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

Married 13 years have some kids. 

everythings been OK until the last few months or so. 

My wife basically says she to busy to spend time with me. Ive begged for a date night, or just to talk, even lastnight I told her it seems like our feelings are dead, she said she wanted to go to bed, She wont talk at all. she said last night the only reason she had sex with me was because she didnt want me to get mad. no affection, no communication. nothing really. she spends most of her free time on her phone. and now she locked her phone so I cant see whats she doing. dont know where to go from here. advice? ty


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are here. And I'm sorry to say that there are red flags here for your wife having an affair.

What does she do on the phone? Talk or text?

Have her hours changed? Anything else different about her?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

EleGirl is right on the money. Smells like an affair. You should do some careful snooping. Others will be along to offer a full spectrum of options. I would begin with the phone bill. Look the the numbers she is calling and who she is texting. If she uses the computer, keylog it. VARs are also a good source of the truth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

VAR = voice activated recorder.

People in affairs use their car as a phone booth. They think they are safe there. So use adhesive back Velcro strips to attach one under the front seat or other hidden surface of the car. 

Find out the laws in your state for recording conversations. There are one-party states and two party states. 

If you get evidence of an affair do not go discuss it with her immediately. Come here and discuss it so you can get a plan together. Until you have irrefutable evidence one way or the other do not confront her.


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

I really dont think shes cheating on me.... she says shes reading on her phone. 

I dont want to find out that bad. If she did, then she did. 

I almost get it if she did, weve been together since Ive been 17. 

I just cant stand getting treaded like crap, if she wants it to be over then tell me. Dont leave me hanging, dont treat me like crap. 

I just need her to talk to me. and I dont know how to that. 


im not perfect by any means, but I try to fix whats wrong, and she runs.

I just feel like this is the end, when she wont even give me the time or day when she knows something is bothering me.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Dio,

You will find that most that come here, and tell similar stories, do not believe that their spouse is cheating but by and large they find out they are. Maybe your wife is just reading 50 shades of grey and is embarrassed but I doubt it. 

Look at some of Weighlifter's posts regarding VAR's and follow though for your own piece of mind. In the short term if you have access to your wife's phone bill then take a peek and see if she is talking or texting to one individual inordinately. 

You came here looking for advice and much of what you are going to get is going to be along these lines. Do not be offended but protect yourself my friend. Trust but verify.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dio said:


> I really dont think shes cheating on me.... she says shes reading on her phone.
> 
> I dont want to find out that bad. If she did, then she did.
> 
> ...


Ok, then there is nothing you can do except tell here that you want her to talk to you and do things with you. Sounds like she will not pay much attention. If you do not push issues strongly, the chances of your marriage improving are very small.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I wouldnt jump to affair conclusions so quickly. 

So let us see what you have told us so far. She doesnt want you to get mad. Can you explain that better.

You have been to hospital with some types of disorders. Most likely you still have some.

Tell us more about how you and your wife get on with your kids.
Are you both working.

It sounds like your wife is plainly tired of you. Not necessarily that she has someone else. Do you have other friends. Does she.

Dont expect things to improve. Maybe a trial separation could help.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

dio said:


> I just cant stand getting treaded like crap, if she wants it to be over then tell me. Dont leave me hanging, dont treat me like crap.
> 
> I just need her to talk to me. and I dont know how to that.


By her actions, I think she is already very clearly telling you exactly how she feels.


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

Theseus said:


> By her actions, I think she is already very clearly telling you exactly how she feels.


You are right. We just had the big talk. She said she kinda loves me. she might want divorce 

I'm totally devastated. I've put up with ****ty sex, her money problems that made me sick. And now this. What a Fing waste of 10+ years. My 3 year old kid already has huge anxiety problems. I'm shocked. So many people in my family has helped her. She's been hanging with my sister for the last few weeks a lot, that so wired. I feel so bad. I'm just typing my feelings. Never again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

dio said:


> You are right. We just had the big talk. She said she kinda loves me. she might want divorce


You need to decide what you want to do. If you want to work on your problems and remain married to her, then you need to find out if she's cheating. Nothing you do will make any difference to her if she's focused on another man.

If you want to divorce, then you need to move forward on that front. Don't let her keep you in limbo by suggesting that she might want a divorce. Hell, don't let her decide. You decide.

Either way, you should run the 180. It will help you detach from her and make divorce easier on you. Also, it sometimes will snap a spouse who has checked out of the marriage out of her fog. She will get a sneak peek of what it is like to have you stop taking care of her. And she might decide that she doesn't want to lose you.

Good luck.
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Tons of red flags. On the password locked phone? No sex? Kinda in love? Might want a divorce?

It sounds like she is having at least a possible EA and has someone else lined up and you are plan B. The 'kinda' and 'might' sound like she is confused about something . 

Sorry you are in this situation. You need to change you, like yesterday. It's 180 time. No pouting, no crying, no begging, no getting angry. Don't let her know that she holds you by the balls. This situation is probably going to get worse. You have to start investigating what she is doing. I know you don't think anything of it but that's exactly what she wants you to think.


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

She told me over and over theres no one else. cuz I think that too. 

Lastnight she said she wants to have sex with someone else. 

No one particular, so she said. 

which is mind blowing to me. Because Im the most sexual guy, I love doing everything sexual. I do her like pornstar and she says it was boring.. IM like wtf? . 

She has never opened up sexually to me ever. She just lays there with her head turned and eyes shut since Ive been 17 years old, 15 years of that. of course its boring!!!! open ur mind. !

I feel like if we can make 2 changes everything would be good again. communication, and sex.


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## sapphire1 (Sep 24, 2013)

dio said:


> She told me over and over theres no one else. cuz I think that too.
> 
> Lastnight she said she wants to have sex with someone else.
> 
> ...



You don't deserve to be treated like this. She sounds like she's doing you a favor by saying she wants a divorce. 

I know it hurts now, especially since you've been together so long, and from what it sounds like it's both of your first marriages. When my first H cheated and left me (also young love) I ended up with a bunch of medical problems from the stress, including needing an emergency trip visit and a surgery. But you are going to have to try and let this stress and panic go, or you're going to end up back at the hospital. Get help, now. If you can get marriage counseling great, but if she doesn't want to then fine...see a psycologist for yourself. Talk it out, and work through your feelings. It HELPS, it's not weak. It's smart.

Accept that you cannot change her. You cannot change who she is. You can only change yourself. Her saying she wanted to sleep with someone else was to hurt you, it may or may not be the truth. 

Do you still love her? If you do than do your best. Have you tried your best in being a good husband (both emotionally and with the things you DO)? Have you tried to have a real sit-down conversation about your marriage problems that hasn't turned into an arguement? Have you tried to show her how important she is to you? These are just a few things...but you get the point. I'm not saying take abuse...you both should treat each other with respect. Arguing once in awhile is normal I think when you're trying to work through marriage problems, but not yelling and screaming OR telling your spouse that you want to cheat. If you're not at least respecting each other then that needs to be corrected first-thing, otherwise you won't get anywhere. But if you try everything in your power to work it out, you can walk away knowing you tried.


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

I do love her. 

But Ive lost who I really am. I just realized this this today. I used to be this out going, nice friendly person with tons of friends, going to do stuff all the time, not afraid anything.

And Ive turned into this mess of a person because of her. 

She even emitted last she was a runner. eveytime things go bad she runs.. and Im left to deal with it, by myself. that **** caused all the chronic anxiety and mental break down crap. I was 25 years old at the time, dealing with, epic massive money problems all by myself. 

Its bull crap I still love her. But I do. 

I just wanta say thanks to all that replied. youve help me out like youll never know. !


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

You seem a bit confused. At first you say that you dont care if she has someone else, then say your devasted when she wants someone else. Just a hunch here, but she knows EXACTLY who she wants...women just dont want out to run to....nothing. Seems like 80% of the people on here had a spouse who "didnt love them and just wanted to be free" and were told over and over again there was noone. Only to find out, gee, there WAS another person involved. 

Maybe you want to find out, maybe you dont...It really doesnt matter either way....she seems to want out...everything else is extra information.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

dio said:


> She told me over and over theres no one else. cuz I think that too.
> 
> Lastnight she said she wants to have sex with someone else.
> 
> No one particular, so she said.


There is someone else. Women don't want out so that they can go screw nobody in particular. They have a plan. They have a particular man in mind. Always.



> which is mind blowing to me. Because Im the most sexual guy, I love doing everything sexual. I do her like pornstar and she says it was boring.. IM like wtf?


It's not about the sex. It's about the man. Your wife likes sex. She just doesn't like sex with you.



> I feel like if we can make 2 changes everything would be good again. communication, and sex.


You're putting the cart before the horse. The first thing you have to do is cut out the other man. Maybe she's already had sex with him. Maybe she hasn't. But she's focused on him and she's turning away from you. If you can get him out of the picture, there is a chance that she will turn back to you. But until he is out of the picture, nothing you do will matter to her.

Good luck.


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

Advice was great until last 2 post. 

PHTlump what make so certain she's with some one else? 

My wife has had the same sex with me for 15years? was cheating on me for 15 years? 

Maybe she lost feeling for me, and cant stand the idea of having sex with me anymore. Maybe anything. just assuming that in a certain way is not good advice. 

And yes my mind has changed a lot, this happen 2 days ago.


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

either way if we can't change for each other, and fix problems. Its over.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Just trying to help you not be so naive. I was naive too...most of us are there. We are not assuming..just trying to get you to open your eyes and be willing to accept those things that you dont want to.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I think she's got one warming up in the bull pen...

But she's not sure if it's going to work out so she's stringing you along.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Okkkkkkkkk! You go right on thinking like that ya hear!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

dio said:


> Advice was great until last 2 post.
> 
> PHTlump what make so certain she's with some one else?


Because I know women. I've spent years reading these boards, including the Coping With Infidelity board. And I have NEVER seen a case where a wife said she wanted to have sex with someone else where she didn't already have someone in mind.



> My wife has had the same sex with me for 15years? was cheating on me for 15 years?


Probably not. But she wasn't into you for 15 years. And after 15 years of not being into you, she is now into someone else. Sorry.



> Maybe she lost feeling for me, and cant stand the idea of having sex with me anymore. Maybe anything. just assuming that in a certain way is not good advice.


We're not assuming. We're drawing logical conclusions based on the evidence. If a wife becomes withdrawn, I don't automatically conclude that she's cheating, or wants to cheat. But when she explicitly states that she wants to bang other men, then yeah, I feel pretty confident in my conclusions.

Look, many of us have been in a similar place to where you are. I was, too. I spent years assuming that my wife was just repressed and didn't like sex. And I was wrong. My wife liked sex. She just didn't like sex with me. So I changed. Now, she likes sex with me much more. I have a better marriage.

Good luck.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I don't like to jump to conclusions about affairs but I would be very suspicious if I were you. you said things changed a few months ago, do you have any idea what sparked it? There has to be some event that caused this shift, even tho it doesn't sound like you two were very happy in general.

Does she have any emotional issues? If she constantly runs from problems and doesn't pay attention to your needs she could be dealing with some inner problems that prevents her from caring for you. Also, her telling you about possibly wanting a divorce and having sex with someone else seems like she's trying to sabotage your relationship. Is she on any medication?


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

Please read some threads in CWI section on Investigating.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Im unqualified to discuss cheating... but I am a windbag...so...

1) Im fully on board with PHTLump. There are some rational steps to take here and some decisions to make simply to resolve this as efficiently as possible - not to end the problem - but to minimize dragging it out and to act.

2) I have a problem with this board generally and have compared it to a hospital ward before where all everyone sees is disease and cheating and and the potential for cheating and game playing... all the horrible bad parts of relationships. Lets face it the site is about troubled relationships mostly. (Infidelity posts: 400,000. Long Term Success: 6,000). So that does in fact color the types of advice you will see here. It also means some people here have frighteningly meaningful experience.

That said - According to what you say.. yeah... you need to act - and listen carefully to what she is saying and look at what she is doing and take it at face value.

Part of a what a relationship IS is believing in the best of your partner, so for me it would be difficult to start assuming the worst of them. But you dont have to go that far either. Just decide that you are in a place that you dont want to be (you are there) and start making decisive choices to fix it or kill it or do anything else but simply coasting.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

dio said:


> She told me over and over theres no one else. cuz I think that too.
> 
> Lastnight she said she wants to have sex with someone else.
> 
> ...


 When she told you that she wanted to have sex with another man, you should have told her that she can have as many men she wants but not while married to you and you should have pointed to the door and told her that she can leave any time she wants.

Better understand that you just got a swift kick in the teeth. And a bigger problem. You accepted it with out doing anything about it and I get a feeling that she knows it. Now as long as you continue to let her disrespect in that manner, it will only get worse. 

She needs to have a wake up call and soon. Let her know that her attitude and behavior is unacceptable and if she isn't happy then you will be more than happy to give her the walking papers she wants. You don't need to be treated in the sort of way and if you allow it, then you'll only get kicked again. Time to put your big boy pants on and stand up for yourself. Maybe you want to keep the marriage but look at the way it is and ask if this is what you want in a marriage and a wife who shows no interest. She has to want to and if she doesn't, then you have nothing but one person in the marriage trying to make it work.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Im unqualified to discuss cheating... but I am a windbag...so...
> 
> 1) Im fully on board with PHTLump. There are some rational steps to take here and some decisions to make simply to resolve this as efficiently as possible - not to end the problem - but to minimize dragging it out and to act.
> 
> ...


I was shocked when i first joined this board a year ago. Like you I saw so much negativity, and quick action to that seemed to push for divorce. Now, having gone through all my own trials etc, I understand why. We ALL want to believe the best. These were our life partners. However, we also ALL cover for them, make excuses for them and very often simply don't believe our life mate would EVER cheat on us...NEVER. We are here because our gut feelings are telling us otherwise...and our hearts need to be snapped awake. More time than not, if your here...something doesnt feel right...we just dont want to believe it. Having someone snap you out of your own denial fog helps tremendously in making rational decisions.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> I was shocked when i first joined this board a year ago. Like you I saw so much negativity, and quick action to that seemed to push for divorce. Now, having gone through all my own trials etc, I understand why. We ALL want to believe the best. These were our life partners. However, we also ALL cover for them, make excuses for them and very often simply don't believe our life mate would EVER cheat on us...NEVER. We are here because our gut feelings are telling us otherwise...and our hearts need to be snapped awake. More time than not, if your here...something doesnt feel right...we just dont want to believe it. Having someone snap you out of your own denial fog helps tremendously in making rational decisions.


dio,

Read and re-read this quote. It happens almost every day on this board. READ SOME OF THE THREADS. You will see that you are in a state of denial. She might not be in a full blown physical affair (PA), but she is certainly testing you to see what your reaction to it would be. 

She is basically TELLING YOU that she is going to try it. At the very least, this is a HUGE SH!T TEST.

I would agree with posts that state that there are some red flags here. You marriage has been over in her mind for some time.

What do you do now?

Look for the truth.

Emotionally, mentally, financially, and physically prepare yourself to end the marriage.

Do this by putting your needs first. Exercise. Up your game. Know that you can do better. Know that there are other women that can replace this one. READ, read, read!!!

You suffer some of the same things most of us betrayed spouses have; we have let ourselves become the doormat for a self-entitled partner. You have lost your attractiveness and respect in her eyes. That doesn't mean you aren't capable of getting it back, but you are in a hole.

So sorry you are here.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I know I will probably make people squirm, but you should lurk and read some of the CWI stories. It is a very predictable pattern.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> I know I will probably make people squirm, but you should lurk and read some of the CWI stories. It is a very predictable pattern.


EXACTLY!!! which is why everyone give the advice they do. I had to learn that lesson too....and was told the SAME thing. WE all think our situation is unique...our WW WH was different...would NEVER cheat/lie/leave. Then as it all unfolds...they just might have....like all the others did too.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

What's CWI?


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

someone90 said:


> What's CWI?


Coping With Infidelity


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## Bluebutterfly22 (Sep 8, 2013)

Your wife don't realize what she's missing out. I would trade everything just to hear my husband asking to spend time with me.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Dio

I do not know if your wife is having a physical affair but it is a good bet that she is having a fantasy affair. At the very least she has hit you hard by telling you that she wants to have sex with someone else. That is almost as bad as having an affair. Others have given you good advice if you want to concentrate on your marriage. I am going to give another view.

If I were you I would get very busy building yourself up. DO NOT try and fix your wife. She has very little or no compassion for you at all right now. Do as much as you can to improve yourself for you; do not waste time trying to change your wife. That means you become more self sufficient and get stronger body, mind, and spirit. *The bottom line is that you are ultimately responsible for your total well being*. It is obvious that you cannot trust your wife for your well being.

*If you build yourself up body, mind, and spirit you will be in a much better shape no matter which way your marriage goes.* Furthermore, there is not anything right now that will benefit you as much IMO


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

dio said:


> * I do her like pornstar* and she says it was boring.. IM like wtf? .


I really hope you just worded this badly.

I have a fairly high sex drive but if my H ' did me like a porn star' i'd probably never want sex with him either.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I stopped reading half way through the second page. It doesn't matter if she's cheating or wants sex with someone else. She wants out of her marriage.

10 years. And if I've done my math right, you are 32 with one small child. I was almost 50 when I realized my wife of 20 years (together 25) never loved me. Never was attracted to me. Three teenage kids. I'm done. No second chances for old men just on the brink of paying for three years of college I can't afford. You find out at 32. You are a GOD to me.

Read up on the 180 and let her go. Start living for you. You literally have your entire life ahead of you. 

Good luck.


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

Im still totally confused even tonight after dealing with this for a week now. 

We've been talking civil to each other for a week. 

She's telling me she loves me and she want to work it out. 

I really think there was someone else. She tells me over and over that she had no feeling for anyone else,BUT there was a guy going thru the same thing at her work, She used words over this last week like she Bonded with him, He was flirting with her, she said they would talk a couple times a week and send emails. But she tells me she has no feeling for him.... W T F is a man to think?

I was convinced tonight she had feeling for him, but she tried to convince me she didnt. She said it was nice to hear the things he told told her. And yeah it was wrong and she feels bad about it, but it was nothing. 

She tells me the big reason she wanted out a few days ago was because she wanted to have sex with other people, then tonight she said it was because we seemed to grow apart. I asked which one it was, she said they were connected because she didn't think I loved her anymore. 

Now if she didn't just tell me she "maybe didnt love me anymore" and wanted out while I was begging her to talk to me the last few months I totally would have believed her. But the timing of all this is weird. 

She keeps telling me she loves me and lets move on, I find it so hard to move on... Why is this complex? 

I want to snoop thru all her stuff. But its all thru her work emails, Ill never be able to find out whats really going on. She didnt want to give me hisname but she did, if its even the real one. So all I know is where he works and his name. It doesnt feel right to not trust her. But I dont right now. and dont know what to do. 

I know I just ramble on this thread, but I never had to deal with this b4, I feel so lost. 

Should I just trust her, and move on?


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

I keep reading this thread over and over. \

If she didnt do anything yet outside of have thought and shared feelings

Is there no hope?

Should I just stop it now. ? Im so lost, please be considerate of my feelings. Maybe Im 100% in denial. I dont know anymore. 

If she would just say she want out to **** other guys Id be out, no questions. 

I just keep asking my self what if she was just bored, started thing about it and really wanted it, but realized she does love me and wants a nice happy family. 

Because Ive been there, a few times. I never stopped loving her, and realized what I have is good.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

dio said:


> I never stopped loving her, and realized what I have is good.


Good. Problem solved. Lucky for you, this = good:



dio said:


> My wife basically says she to busy to spend time with me. Ive begged for a date night, or just to talk, even lastnight I told her it seems like our feelings are dead, she said she wanted to go to bed, She wont talk at all. she said last night the only reason she had sex with me was because she didnt want me to get mad. no affection, no communication. nothing really. she spends most of her free time on her phone. and now she locked her phone so I cant see whats she doing.





dio said:


> I just cant stand getting treaded like crap, if she wants it to be over then tell me. Dont leave me hanging, dont treat me like crap.
> 
> I just need her to talk to me.
> 
> ...she wont even give me the time or day when she knows something is bothering me.





dio said:


> We just had the big talk. She said she kinda loves me. she might want divorce
> 
> I'm totally devastated. I've put up with ****ty sex, her money problems that made me sick. And now this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





dio said:


> Lastnight she said she wants to have sex with someone else.
> 
> No one particular, so she said.
> 
> She has never opened up sexually to me ever. She just lays there with her head turned and eyes shut since Ive been 17 years old, 15 years of that.





dio said:


> She tells me the big reason she wanted out a few days ago was because she wanted to have sex with other people, then tonight she said it was because we seemed to grow apart. I asked which one it was, she said they were connected because she didn't think I loved her anymore.


You are one lucky man. Stuck in a life with a woman who doesn't love you or desire you and you realize it was good. Because most husbands would say "**** this crap. I'm gone. I still have my life ahead of me and I have ZERO desire to be treated like s.h.i.t while you find your real soul mate."

But hey. To each his own. What is "good" for one person may not be for another. I'm glad you are OK with this.

But just in case you are not as good with it as you'd like to believe, read up on the 180. Just ignore the parts where she could see a new you and come along for the ride. It doesn't happen that way.

Read up on the walk-away-wife while you're at it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Oh. And if you feel like it, go on a local high school speaking tour and tell all of those hormone riddled teens with massive crushes what a BAD IDEA it is to marry your high school sweetheart.


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## dio (Sep 23, 2013)

youre right. 

I told her to get out today. Go **** as many guys as u want. 

She's gone. Shes never coming back.

I need the mind **** to be over. 

I need to start getting over this. 

never again will a woman do this to me.

Thanks for the advice. Its hard.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

dio said:


> youre right.
> 
> I told her to get out today. Go **** as many guys as u want.
> 
> She's gone. Shes never coming back.


I hope it wasn't something I said. 

Just kidding. Good luck. There are good women out there. And you'll go into your next relationship with a new outlook and attitude. You learn from experience. Sometimes it's just a hard, hard lesson. Your life may seem like it's over right now, but take it from a 52 year old who DIDN'T do what you just did when he still had a chance: 

I envy the CRAP out of you.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Dio, now your wife just might become attracted to you after that display of "not gonna take that crap any more." Of course she's probably too far gone, but at least your behavior is more attractive to her than what you were doing ( or putting up with) previously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

dio said:


> youre right.
> 
> I told her to get out today. Go **** as many guys as u want.
> 
> ...


If you love her, yeah, it IS brutal. I was where you are about 10 months ago. You are standing up for yourself. Continue to work on yourself, get out and be social, get your head together. Its a process..but work on it.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

dio said:


> Im still totally confused even tonight after dealing with this for a week now.
> 
> We've been talking civil to each other for a week.
> 
> ...


DIO...read some threads on here. Its the same script over and over again. They lie, hide, deny and blameshift. Trust your gut...the things she has said are not right for the marriage...and you know it!


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