# Drive



## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

Hello all. Just joined the forum today, and already finding a lot of similar situations. Whether this is good or bad is yet to be determined, but at least imnot alone.

Im a 38 y.o male with a 38 y.o wife, with three great kids, and a fourth on the way. None of them were planned but i love them all. These last two are goingnto be Irish twins, so that'llbe interesting.

I'll ve honest. I'm the problem when it comes to this marriage. Although in my defense I've yried to express my desires and needs but feel it all falls on deaf ears.

My wife was the second pwrson i had ever had sex with -- my first was a one night stand. But as i get older i wonder if i made the right choice to get married. I knew that i wanted to be married by age 28, but i look back and wonder if i should have explored more first. I know.my hesitation to do so stemmed from a lack in confidence in myself and my ability to find another girlfriend. And it's not that i didnt love the woman who would one day become my wife, i still do even, but i wonder if she is THE one.

We are continuously arguing. Maybe not every day. We fight about petty matters, which grate on me to no end. And when she gets upset she says things that leave me wondering if she wants to be a mother, yet alone married. As much as i try to reconcile the issues i don't see there ever being a resolution.

But, i take full blame for some of our martial issues. I haven't been loyal, and while i have never cheated, beyond kissing and sexting, my desire to explore our sexual encounters never goes beyond vanilla. She's closed herself off to exploring herself or her limits. And that is hard for me to contend with. I want more. I desire morr. Hense the kissing and sexting. 

I just hate going on a continuous rollercoaster of "this is working, no its not, this is fun, no it's not," it's tiresome. 

I know a marriage isn't all about sex, but im just not haply with the final product. She's content though, so i guess im doing something right. But it's not enough. I want more. 

Hopefully I'll find insight on here.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

There is no THE one. That's childish, magical thinking. As is thinking that you haven't cheated even though you've been sexting and kissing other woman.

My advice is to tell your wife everything, offer a quick and painless divorce if she wants it, and if not you do everything you can to make this marriage right and work for her. Because clearly you don't even really know what it is that you want, and you're projecting your own inability to make clear, mature decisions for yourself onto your wife and your kids. Of which you have three a new one on the way.

So the time for you to grow up is now. Face reality head on.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with mark. There is No such thing as the one. And sexting and kissing is cheating in my book. 

When we decide to live “Luke warm”, or in “gray” areas, were torturing ourselves. You can’t straddle two different lives, the married and single life which is what your doing by the way. When you do this, your just going to be comparing the lives, thinking about the what if’s, and you will never really be happy. 

You need to be married or be single. You need to decide to be married, and make the decision to be happy. Focus on the positive, count your blessings, strive to be the best husband and father for your specific kids and wife. Plan your future with them and be excited. OR divorce and be single. Playing the what if game is stupid, childish, and dangerous and nothing good comes from it. 

There is no the one. No the better life. You make decisions, and your dealt a hand and you do the best with it. People too often think a different spouse or Job or circumstance will make them happy. That is the biggest lie the devil tells us.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Cazmodius said:


> These last two are goingnto be Irish twins, so that'llbe interesting.


Define Irish Twins. I've not heard the term before.



> I knew that i wanted to be married by age 28,


This was your first mistake. Don't set yourself deadlines like this in the future. It's step one towards failure.



> but i look back and wonder if i should have explored more first. I know.my hesitation to do so stemmed from a lack in confidence in myself and my ability to find another girlfriend.


You should have, and if you end up out of this marriage, do so before the next one. I was real lucky that my current legal wife, made me date others while dating her, to ensure that she didn't become the rebound. Obviously, she wasn't, but it also was part of what helped me to discover that I am poly.



> And it's not that i didnt love the woman who would one day become my wife, i still do even, but i wonder if she is THE one.


Here's another vote that there is no such thing as "The One". Unless the year is 2259 and she is a Minbari with human characteristics. Then she might be The One.



> We are continuously arguing. Maybe not every day. We fight about petty matters, which grate on me to no end. And when she gets upset she says things that leave me wondering if she wants to be a mother, yet alone married. As much as i try to reconcile the issues i don't see there ever being a resolution.


Therapy or counseling is probably needed. Communication and relationships are both skills. There is nothing natural or instinctual about either. I probably sound like a broken record on these threads, but check out Touch of Flavor. They have many tools to help with relationships, both mono and poly. If you're not into kink, just avoid those sections.



> But, i take full blame for some of our martial issues. I haven't been loyal, and while i have never cheated, beyond kissing and sexting,


Anything that is done behind backs, except gift buying, is cheating.



> my desire to explore our sexual encounters never goes beyond vanilla.


This is unclear. Whose sexual encounters? Yours and your wife's or yours and the other women's encounters.



> She's closed herself off to exploring herself or her limits. And that is hard for me to contend with. I want more. I desire morr. Hense the kissing and sexting.


I have to assume your wife here. What more is it you want? Are you wanting more than vanilla, or what? Have you ever had a conversation on what you and her each want?


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

@maquiscat
Sorry old school upbringing

Irish twins: two children born within 365 of each other (3rd born 8/12, 4th will be 8/6)
The one: was raised to believe that marriage was a one time thing, that they were "the one". Not so much a thing now, but was ingrained into me. Just like be ling celebite until marriage (that didn't happen).
The wife is vanilla, and yes i have convos with her all the time about what i want. She's just not into it i guess. Currently being pregnant likely doesn't help either


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Cazmodius said:


> @maquiscat
> The wife is vanilla, and yes i have convos with her all the time about what i want. She's just not into it i guess. Currently being pregnant likely doesn't help either


First, I don't believe in the one either, not one marriage if it goes that way and not one person that is the love of my life. 

Second, since you have been thinking about this for a while, did it occur to you NOT to have any more kids, since you are having these concerns?????


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Second, since you have been thinking about this for a while, did it occur to you NOT to have any more kids, since you are having these concerns?????


Guess im a breeder. I was an only child growing up. So for me to have a large family is something i desire. 
I mentioned previously that all 4 were unplanned. We had talked about getting the snip lastvyear after pur 3rd, but that fell thru. 
Like i said, i love my wife, just not the sex (nor the arguments).


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Cazmodius said:


> Irish twins: two children born within 365 of each other (3rd born 8/12, 4th will be 8/6)


Congratulations on the next child. And I don't think that is old school as much as regional lingo.



> The one: was raised to believe that marriage was a one time thing, that they were "the one". Not so much a thing now, but was ingrained into me. Just like be ling celebite until marriage (that didn't happen).


Well I hope that by that you mean one time as in the "til death do you part" bit. Marriage after a spouse dies should still be a thing.



> The wife is vanilla, and yes i have convos with her all the time about what i want. She's just not into it i guess. Currently being pregnant likely doesn't help either


You do not have to answer this if you don't wish, but may I inquire, in general terms as to what you are wishing out of her? Or is it a matter of there are things you would want to try, but are not sure if you would actually like them? Has she shown any interest in them when not pregnant?

And finally, completely off topic: Are you 501st?


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

@maquiscat 

You're right, "the one" implies a clause that should said spouce die, i don't live out the rest of my life alone.
When my wife and i discuss desires hers are straight forward, simple: talk, massages, snuggle, etc. Which i give, i do enjoy do those things with her. HOWEVER, when i mention what i want is either get a smug smile (like 'yeah right' kind of response) or i get the "i thought you liked our sex" accusation. 
With a 4th child on the way im sure you can imagine the toll it takes on her body. Her sexual drive has decreased during pregnancy. But even outisde the pregnancy any kind of sexual touching is usually rejected. So there's a greater issue at play. 
Vader's Fist is one of the greatest battalions, i wouldbe honored to be a part of that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The only thing I would recommend is a vasectomy.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The only thing I would recommend is a vasectomy.


Brilliant!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You say your wife is "vanilla." Does that mean she won't even engage in oral? What is it you want to explore; can you be more specific?


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> You say your wife is "vanilla." Does that mean she won't even engage in oral? What is it you want to explore; can you be more specific?


She gives oral, to a point. Mostly now a day it's a few bobs, but nothing to completion. 

I'd like to please her v, w/o d penetration. But she won't let me. 

Really, it's about wanting her to open up to self exploration. Being more sexual with herself. 

I read discussions from women on other forums that are far more open sexually, and that's what i want from my wife.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Well, I think with four kids 2 being Irish twins you need to realize that sex and changing things up will not be on her mind for a while. I suggest you go get that vasectomy so that when she's feeling sexual again you can explore things more freely without the worry of a pregnancy which would probably kill her desire for a bit. Worrying about another accidental pregnancy is a serious libido killer. As for right now, I'm sure her hormones are raging. Pregnancy is very hard on the body but back to back pregnancies are even worse. I'm sure she's exhausted. 

As for wanting her to explore her own sexuality...that might take time. I suggest, after she's recovered from having 2 babies in under 1 year, you start very slowly. Buy her some nice lingerie and start with that. Find something small that you'd like to incorporate into your sex life and sit with that a while. If you go straight to the extremes she either ends up a bit overwhelmed by it or thinks you're joking. 

But, she may never change. People are who they are and some never change. Can you live with that?

And I agree...there is no "the one." It's a romantic notion for books and movies. Nobody will ever check off every single box for you.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

I certainly get that "the one" is a pipe dream. The concept was made up for movies and tv shows to enforce Christian values. Those values have certainly disappeared from the main stream over the decades, but it was nevertheless a value that was engrained in my head as a child. However, it was not a value that was followed by my father, who had not only cheated on my mother, but had cheated on his previous wife and fathered an illegitimate child. So, my upbringing was more of "do as i say, don't do as i do."

Can iive with her not being as sexual? I hobestly don't know. Because, i like many others on here, whether the poster or posted, am a habitual porn watcher. I see it as an escape from what i don't get at home. Which is only furthering my desire for my wife to be more than she is. But the desire also comes from hearing how sexual other women are, who are facing sexless marriages. Why can't i have that wife? I'm not getting any younger and I've been wanting more from sex for most of our marriage (14 yrs). 

That's why my eyes strayed, and continue to do so. To see if there's a future beyond the woman i deemed "the one". She filled that role when i thought there was no one else for me. But the other elephant in the room is the constant arugments. 

Sideline the sex talk and lets look at the petty arguments that pop up weekly. It's tiring. It's frustrating. I give all i can. I save money for future life events. I get what i can whrn i can. I am the money maker, while my wife provides suppliments support. We've tried financial counciling. And i believe marriage counciling will not bring about change. We're both stubborn in our ways. Even something as simple as buying a car caused arguments to where i contemplated seperation. And still do. And if it wasn't for #4 being on the way I'd likely move forward with it.

Im not perfect, and fully admit I'm scum bc of what ive done. But i feel there's little chance of compromise. And i just don't know if i can continue to live that life.


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