# Slap me in the face



## dajam

Here it is. I have the want for some reason to reach out to my EX and ask a bunch of relationship questions. I believe the reason is unfinished business. We had a LTR over 25 years so I believe my analytic side is kicking in.... 

Questions such as;

Why we let it get to where we let it go?
How could I have communicated better with you?
Another is why did we let things get out of control so far?
Did we hate each other so much at the time we lost sight of the actual goal?

To me it represents closure however would this be wise? Looking for feedback.


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## EleGirl

:slap:


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## EleGirl

It's a bad idea. These were things that you probably should have addressed before you two decided to split up.

They are good questions for you to ask yourself. Change the work "we" to "me" and answer them. Also answer what you could have done differently so that you know what to do next time.

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" is a good source of how to do it better next time.


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## arbitrator

dajam said:


> Here it is. I have the want for some reason to reach out to my EX and ask a bunch of relationship questions. I believe the reason is unfinished business. We had a LTR over 25 years so I believe my analytic side is kicking in....
> 
> Questions such as;
> 
> Why we let it get to where we let it go?
> How could I have communicated better with you?
> Another is why did we let things get out of control so far?
> Did we hate each other so much at the time we lost sight of the actual goal?
> 
> To me it represents closure however would this be wise? Looking for feedback.


*Provided that the Divorce/Separation itself was amicable and that there aren't any hard or jaded feelings about it on either side, I don't really see a problem. Otherwise, I'd just leave it alone and seek advise instead from an individual counselor(IC).*


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## Greg1515

dajam said:


> Here it is. I have the want for some reason to reach out to my EX and ask a bunch of relationship questions. I believe the reason is unfinished business. We had a LTR over 25 years so I believe my analytic side is kicking in....
> 
> Questions such as;
> 
> Why we let it get to where we let it go?
> How could I have communicated better with you?
> Another is why did we let things get out of control so far?
> Did we hate each other so much at the time we lost sight of the actual goal?
> 
> To me it represents closure however would this be wise? Looking for feedback.


From your other posts I take it you've been split for 2+ years with almost NC all the way through.

If that's the case, while you think this might bring closure to you, think this through:

A) What kind of response do you expect from your eX if they haven't heard from you for a while, and the first they read is a bunch of questions in regards to why things failed. Trust me, they are not going to like it and are not going to respond kindly to it, you are going to get hurt.

B) You might be confusing closure with loneliness. Ask yourself if you are not merely experiencing a moment of weakness and whatever you want to do, hold off until tomorrow. Take this time to think what is it you really want. Opening up old wounds for you and her hardly seems like closure.

I would agree with EleGirl 100%

Watch some comedy programming on Youtube. Get your mind off things for a while.


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## Openminded

You aren't likely to get the truth.

Instead, work on you.


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## Ynot

dajam, take it from the voice of experience - don't do it. Depending on who the dumpee/dumper was you may eventually get a chance to ask these questions, but for now, like the others have said, just move on and work on yourself. If you ever do get the chance to ask the questions it will be because your ex sought reconciliation of some sort. If that is the case, the best place you can be in is a position of strength, knowing that no matter what the answers are, you are prepared to handle the truth.


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## SamuraiJack

These are questions that need to be answered by you.
By placing he responsibility of her answering them, you are not being honest with yourself.

You already know the answers to these questions...if you are honest with yourself.


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## Pluto2

Don't do it.

You indicate that communication was an issue in the relationship. Why, oh why, would the end of the relationship change that. Do you know for a fact that she's had IC? You are opening yourself up to be being a verbal punching bag for her issues.
Look at you.

Could I recommend some Monty Python?


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## SamuraiJack

Pluto2 said:


> Don't do it.
> Could I recommend some Monty Python?


The Viking of dissaproval looks in your direction...


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## Jellybeans

You can if you want. Your choice.

It may or may not bring you closure.


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## dajam

SamuraiJack said:


> These are questions that need to be answered by you.
> By placing he responsibility of her answering them, you are not being honest with yourself.
> 
> You already know the answers to these questions...if you are honest with yourself.


If I do ask her, my goal is to seek her opinion as I am well aware of my thoughts in this matter. 

For me... I do not want to make the same mistakes. She is smart and her opinion is valuable.

I do understand this is for lack of better terminology "bad" territory.


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## dajam

Ynot said:


> dajam, take it from the voice of experience - don't do it. Depending on who the dumpee/dumper was you may eventually get a chance to ask these questions, but for now, like the others have said, just move on and work on yourself. If you ever do get the chance to ask the questions it will be because your ex sought reconciliation of some sort. If that is the case, the best place you can be in is a position of strength, knowing that no matter what the answers are, you are prepared to handle the truth.


I get what you are saying however I am not afraid of feedback good, bad or indifferent...


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## dajam

EleGirl said:


> It's a bad idea. These were things that you probably should have addressed before you two decided to split up.
> 
> They are good questions for you to ask yourself. Change the work "we" to "me" and answer them. Also answer what you could have done differently so that you know what to do next time.
> 
> The book "His Needs, Her Needs" is a good source of how to do it better next time.


We had a lot of discussions about this however at the time we were under terrible emotional stress. Many outside influences.. Now after some calming time maybe a discussion is in order..

Thanks for the book references I will review them.


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## SamuraiJack

dajam said:


> We had a lot of discussions about this however at the time we were under terrible emotional stress. Many outside influences.. Now after some calming time maybe a discussion is in order..
> 
> Thanks for the book references I will review them.


Well then Dajam, I guess good luck wishes are in order. 
Consider emailing her and doing the exchange that way. 

That will give you a buffer and time to consider not only her answers, but to formulate your questions.

Be aware that email is not best for everyone and people sometimes "fill in" details that they associate with the person emailing. Gestures, quirks, attitudes etc... 

If you DO talk/communicate try to set it up in a way that allows for a quick break from the event.


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## Thundarr

dajam said:


> Here it is. I have the want for some reason to reach out to my EX and ask a bunch of relationship questions. I believe the reason is unfinished business. We had a LTR over 25 years so I believe my analytic side is kicking in....
> 
> Questions such as;
> 
> Why we let it get to where we let it go?
> How could I have communicated better with you?
> Another is why did we let things get out of control so far?
> Did we hate each other so much at the time we lost sight of the actual goal?
> 
> To me it represents closure however would this be wise? Looking for feedback.


dajam, you understand I hope that her point of view is probably not objective. Also if you're searching for a way to reconnect with her or to show her that you're changing then just stop now. That ship has sailed.

I understand the desire to know what went wrong so you can avoid repeating the same mistakes. But you really need objective, truthful, valid information or you need to be able to decipher useful tidbits from information that's not objective. Can you do that?


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## dajam

Thundarr said:


> dajam, you understand I hope that her point of view is probably not objective. Also if you're searching for a way to reconnect with her or to show her that you're changing then just stop now. That ship has sailed.
> 
> I understand the desire to know what went wrong so you can avoid repeating the same mistakes. But you really need objective, truthful, valid information or you need to be able to decipher useful tidbits from information that's not objective. Can you do that?


I agree, you bring home a very valid point. As well as I knew her and given existing circumstances it probably would not be a productive feedback session..


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## dajam

SamuraiJack said:


> Well then Dajam, I guess good luck wishes are in order.
> Consider emailing her and doing the exchange that way.
> 
> That will give you a buffer and time to consider not only her answers, but to formulate your questions.
> 
> Be aware that email is not best for everyone and people sometimes "fill in" details that they associate with the person emailing. Gestures, quirks, attitudes etc...
> 
> If you DO talk/communicate try to set it up in a way that allows for a quick break from the event.


That is not a bad idea, however I do have to ponder it a bit. 

For some reason I feel like reaching out however my gut instinct leads me the other way. 

Much like email, text, messaging all have the same interpretation problem associated.. I see it everyday at work running an IT department for over 100 users... It is a sign of the times.


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## Wolf1974

I don't know if this was your idea or if you are working with a therapist. I was working with a counselor who suggested this very thing. At first I was overcome with greif and i didnt want to do this. I honestly didn't know if my x would agree to meet with me as she was involved with her fantasy relationship. I eventually agreed and asked. To my suprise she did say yes but didn't want to meet with the counselor present which was fine. So I made my list of questions. asked them. Got the answers i needed but not all them the way i wanted. For me yes this provided a tremendious amount of closure on my part. 

Most of my questions revloved around her affair, how it started and why. I think she felt better confessing everything herself but I never asked. 

Prior to this we were barely able to be in the same room. It was not an exaggeration that when she would come to my house to drop off the kids I would make her wait outside while they came in. I flat out hated her. We needed to find a way to place the kids first and this was the first step in that direction and it has only been up hill since then in that regard. Was able to move from hating her to hating what she did and that transition helped me.

so if you think your x will answer the questions and help you gain closure I say go for it.


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## Jellybeans

dajam said:


> As well as I knew her and given existing circumstances it probably would not be a productive feedback session..





dajam said:


> For some reason I feel like reaching out however my gut instinct leads me the other way.


Then don't do it.

YOu first said it was for "closure" now you are mentioning it may not be "productive." Productive how? To get the answers you want/in the form you want?

Know that - if you do reach out to her, like I said earlier - it may or may not bring you closure. 

Quite frankly, there is no way in telling what the outcome would be. Seems like maybe you want her to tel you what you want to hear (apology or otherwise). And that may or may not happen at all.


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## SamuraiJack

Dajam,
this can also be a double edged sword. I neglected to say in my previous post that you should do this ONLY if you think you have a good chance of getting real information.
Regrettably, you could just as easily get triggered, go nuclear, and throw away most or all of the good progress you have made.
You are the only one who can make this decision, but I would be remiss if I didnt support the Gut feeling.

Gut feelings are there for a reason.
Actually you may do yourself a good turn by examining that instead of contacting her.

PS. I tried to do this with mine. I thought she tried, but too many distortions were present and in the end I only heard enough from her to get me frustrated again.

I sometimes think that I COULD do this now, but whats the point? 
It wont change anything that has already happened and it wont absolve her of being a cheater.


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## dajam

Jellybeans said:


> Then don't do it.
> 
> YOu first said it was for "closure" now you are mentioning it may not be "productive." Productive how? To get the answers you want/in the form you want?
> 
> Know that - if you do reach out to her, like I said earlier - it may or may not bring you closure.
> 
> Quite frankly, there is no way in telling what the outcome would be. Seems like maybe you want her to tel you what you want to hear (apology or otherwise). And that may or may not happen at all.


Point taken... Productive as in, maybe I could take away something I could use to learn from. good, bad, or indifferent. I really have no expectations.


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## dajam

SamuraiJack said:


> Dajam,
> this can also be a double edged sword. I neglected to say in my previous post that you should do this ONLY if you think you have a good chance of getting real information.
> Regrettably, you could just as easily get triggered, go nuclear, and throw away most or all of the good progress you have made.
> You are the only one who can make this decision, but I would be remiss if I didnt support the Gut feeling.
> 
> Gut feelings are there for a reason.
> Actually you may do yourself a good turn by examining that instead of contacting her.
> 
> PS. I tried to do this with mine. I thought she tried, but too many distortions were present and in the end I only heard enough from her to get me frustrated again.
> 
> I sometimes think that I COULD do this now, but whats the point?
> It wont change anything that has already happened and it wont absolve her of being a cheater.


Yes very true, examining the gut instinct is a wiser choice as this is typically the "correct" choice. In hindsight, if I had followed all the "inner" cues, my life would be significantly different today. 

I may just let it go, at some point, I know I will run into her at my mom's house. Maybe at that time, a determination can be made if a discussion could be productive or and/or warranted.


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## tryingpatience

I didn't read all your posts but I did read that your ex cheated on you. I don't think reaching out to her is a good idea. I don't believe you'll hear anything that will be helpful.

The thing about people who give up is that they make excuses. She'll tell you what she believes and it might not even be based on reality.


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## COguy

Just don't. That's all you need to know. You're looking to get something out of someone instead of moving on. Accept that you don't have to have all the answers to move on. When you come to terms with that you won't fret about what ifs and should haves and maybes. You'll just live your life.

Ask yourself this, if everything in your life was going right. If you woke up every day excited about life. Work was good, hobbies were good, friends were good, you were doing well with the ladies.....would you give two sh*ts about your ex and your closure?

Figure out what you would have done different, and what you can learn from it. Then work on moving forward, not dwelling on the past.


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## Hardtohandle

dajam

Are you recently alone, as in not dating anyone ATM ?

The impression I am getting is you are lonely and just looking to open up a dialogue with the Ex in some hope of rekindling things.

After breaking up with my current GF of almost 1 year and a half I went through some retarded thoughts that were in the vein of what you were mentioning.. The next day I realized those were not the best ideas and just talking about it in therapy added I was right in not acting on those thoughts.

I asked those questions to my ex before she left.. She didn't give me an answer beyond it was basically all my fault..

But the great thing is you can post here and work out your feelings and thoughts.. I would look deeper to why you need these answers..

May I add if you Ex was sooo smart, why didn't she see this before it happen and work to avert it..


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## tulsy

dajam said:


> ...
> 
> To me it represents *closure* however would this be wise? Looking for feedback.


Closure?!

google "closure is a myth"

Reaching out to your ex will bring anything but closure. Move on


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> Why we let it get to where we let it go?
> How could I have communicated better with you?
> Another is why did we let things get out of control so far?
> Did we hate each other so much at the time we lost sight of the actual goal?
> 
> To me it represents closure however would this be wise? Looking for feedback.


Hello dajam

I seem to recall I was posting my thoughts on a very similar thread of yours some time ago - almost an identical thread - a few months ago, at least (?) and you have received a number of similar answers at the time.

That was when your ex-W suddenly got in touch with you asking for some "items" she wanted to have if my memory serves me correctly. I don't quite remember if it was your wife or you, who wanted a divorce after she was found to have an affair with a "friend". 

Does it really matter now what made her unhappy? If she wasn't forthcoming enough to communicate how unhappy she was with you before and instead, she simply decided to meet her emotional needs by seeing someone else behind your back, then do you think she would be forthcoming enough to discuss her feelings with you now? I doubt that very much. It's not going to be pleasant for you or for her to go over what's been done. It's not because what you did or what you didn't which made her decide that it was over. You may need to come to accept what happened as there may not be any sort of "logic" behind it. People "fall out of love" suddenly for no apparent reasons or some people simply stay in an unhappy marriage for many years until children grow up. 

I'm not sure for how long she was unhappy but you must believe that it's not what you did or what you didn't. It was all about her and her problems. You shouldn't feel she ought to give you a "critique" as to how you "failed" her and her marriage. Your value does not decrease based on your wife's inability to see your worth. She is out of your life now and she chose her path. Accept what you had valued so much was over for a reason no matter how painful it is. I know how much pain you are still feeling. Many of us on this site would know.


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## dajam

poppyseed said:


> Hello dajam
> 
> I seem to recall I was posting my thoughts on a very similar thread of yours some time ago - almost an identical thread - a few months ago, at least (?) and you have received a number of similar answers at the time.
> 
> That was when your ex-W suddenly got in touch with you asking for some "items" she wanted to have if my memory serves me correctly. I don't quite remember if it was your wife or you, who wanted a divorce after she was found to have an affair with a "friend".
> 
> Does it really matter now what made her unhappy? If she wasn't forthcoming enough to communicate how unhappy she was with you before and instead, she simply decided to meet her emotional needs by seeing someone else behind your back, then do you think she would be forthcoming enough to discuss her feelings with you now? I doubt that very much. It's not going to be pleasant for you or for her to go over what's been done. It's not because what you did or what you didn't which made her decide that it was over. You may need to come to accept what happened as there may not be any sort of "logic" behind it. People "fall out of love" suddenly for no apparent reasons or some people simply stay in an unhappy marriage for many years until children grow up.
> 
> I'm not sure for how long she was unhappy but you must believe that it's not what you did or what you didn't. It was all about her and her problems. You shouldn't feel she ought to give you a "critique" as to how you "failed" her and her marriage. Your value does not decrease based on your wife's inability to see your worth. She is out of your life now and she chose her path. Accept what you had valued so much was over for a reason no matter how painful it is. I know how much pain you are still feeling. Many of us on this site would know.


Yes, and thanks.... It seems that there are certain triggers that still send me down this path of why and some doubt. I think, in a way, a "critique" would be good, if we both were objective. 

I do miss the companionship, not her so much. However, this is a good sign as it was the situation I miss not the person.


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> Yes, and thanks.... It seems that there are certain triggers that still send me down this path of why and some doubt. I think, in a way, a "critique" would be good, if we both were objective.
> 
> I do miss the companionship, not her so much. However, this is a good sign as it was the situation I miss not the person.


Hi dajam

I'm sure that's not uncommon to many of us. I did see your other thread the other night about your ex-wife, who could possibly be unwell. It does sound like you still love her and care about her, at least. Again, it's not uncommon. Love for our long-term spouse wouldn't suddenly disappear in many of us after we had a divorce. 

It's helpful to maintain some level of "friendship" and stay amicable as "friends" if that's still possible. But not able to move on by keeping her as a sole focus in your emotional life, that would be something else. It's quite amazing that your mother was willing to stay friends with your ex-wife despite her adultery and leaving/betraying you (if my memory serves me correctly?). If your mother is still having an ongoing relationship with your ex-wife as a close friend/mother of her grandchildren in fact, it's understandable you still feel responsible for your ex-wife's well-being. However, I'm not sure if this is a "healthy" situation. I honestly don't know. Only you could decide. Sending you positive vibes xx


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## dajam

poppyseed said:


> Hi dajam
> 
> I'm sure that's not uncommon to many of us. I did see your other thread the other night about your ex-wife, who could possibly be unwell. It does sound like you still love her and care about her, at least. Again, it's not uncommon. Love for our long-term spouse wouldn't suddenly disappear in many of us after we had a divorce.
> 
> It's helpful to maintain some level of "friendship" and stay amicable as "friends" if that's still possible. But not able to move on by keeping her as a sole focus in your emotional life, that would be something else. It's quite amazing that your mother was willing to stay friends with your ex-wife despite her adultery and leaving/betraying you (if my memory serves me correctly?). If your mother is still having an ongoing relationship with your ex-wife as a close friend/mother of her grandchildren in fact, it's understandable you still feel responsible for your ex-wife's well-being. However, I'm not sure if this is a "healthy" situation. I honestly don't know. Only you could decide. Sending you positive vibes xx


I do care and always will... However she is not the focus of my emotional life.. I do slip and need to refocus. It does get easier as time goes on and I get busy with my life.. 

As far as my mom goes, I would not expect her to abandon the relationship with my EX. My mom is her mom.. They are very close and my mom is her 80's... I would rather struggle a bit with this than deprive either of them with that relationship. 

In a way it gives me comfort they are still close, this may be selfish but, if something ever happened to my mom and I could not get there, the ex would step in and help no questions asked... To me that is a very positive thing about their relationship... 

If it is healthy? Not sure, worse case it may just take a bit longer to work/think/process through the all the scenarios we think about when we are in close proximity to our ex...


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## poppyseed

Yes, I would say, your approach is wise. Perhaps, her "existence" may be giving you some "comfort" in some way, I'm not sure. Your ex is probably part of your "support" network to keep your mum happy. My ex wanted me to live close to him to stay "friends" after D; he would still love to see me regularly and "help out" if I needed his help. Whether this sort of attachment is "healthy" post-divorce, I would not know. But I don't think your sentiment is unusual and your approach is probably more humane. After all, she was your wife for so many years. She is still part of you somehow.. I decided not to remain living close to my ex and started my new chapter in a totally new place where "I" chose to live. That's my choice and yours may be different and that's ok x


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## dajam

poppyseed said:


> Yes, I would say, your approach is wise. Perhaps, her "existence" may be giving you some "comfort" in some way, I'm not sure. Your ex is probably part of your "support" network to keep your mum happy.


It does comfort me, she lives near my mom and she is still close. The result of the LTR and years of assisting my mom after my fathers death. 



> I decided not to remain living close to my ex and started my new chapter in a totally new place where "I" chose to live. That's my choice and yours may be different and that's ok x


Moving? Great thing to do. Moving is in the plan and I will be doing so in the next 6 to 9 months. it will be a relatively short move, however a life away. Although, out of state is awfully appealing or even out of country. 

My life always seemed better when I took risks.. Got to get back to that..


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> Moving? Great thing to do. Moving is in the plan and I will be doing so in the next 6 to 9 months. it will be a relatively short move, however a life away. Although, out of state is awfully appealing or even out of country.
> 
> My life always seemed better when I took risks.. Got to get back to that..


Great minds!! :smthumbup: We all need more adventure and change/challenge which may lead us to further self-growth and new height of being. Yes, I agree that taking risks would be part of this. Life is short..I know it's getting more like a cliche.. xx


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