# deaing with an LD spouse



## RECHTSANWALT (Oct 5, 2011)

All
I believe I may have an LD spouse. She's rarely interested in initiating it. In the beginning (several years ago) I would initiate it almost every other night (and day if I could have the time), and she told me how she felt used that I felt we were better off as friends. I've never turned her down, except when I really had to do so.

On the few occasions she did, I no longer know what she wants. I have asked her what she wants. I've been giving oral for the past 6 years (and received it just once; I no longer want to ask her to do something she is not excited about). I've tried switching between the clit Orgasms and Vaginal orgasms school. She merely nods that "it's nice". She's moaned may be on 5 occasions (that's how I know she liked it). I would love it if she approached it from a purely selfish angle because she could work towards achieving her needs that way. I've stopped discussing this with her; she feels pressured to the point that she feels she must be interested and her responses come from her lips instead of her heart. I do not want to subject her to emotional and intellectual slavery. She has every right to be asexual.

She's the only woman I've had all my life. No GFs. I have no clue what women are like sexually. I've no women friends either. We met at a wedding and got married very shortly afterwards. 

I am thankful to her for being a mother to 2 children we've had over the years. She's gone lose down south due to the deliveries, but I seriously doubt if I could convince her to do any exercise, let alone Kegels. I wanted to buy Ben Wa balls as I post this message, but I fear she may scoff at the idea. 

As I see it, she's happiest watching soaps, movies, being with her family and friends apart from the kids. We have no mutual interests other than the challenges thrown at our marriage by providence. We have debts, but she doesn't want to look at the numbers because they make her "tense". She's a SAHM. 

I've been watching porn for nearly all my adult life, with a reprieve during the early years of our marriage. I feel terrible about it, especially because I want my children to have a normal father regardless of all the shades it entails. I've always felt badly about myself because of this. However, as I've been reflecting upon my life lately, I feel I could've turned out worse. I began masturbating at 6, fantasized about my best friends' moms from 7. Got into trouble with the mothers of some girls I fancied as a kid. I am saying this because I've noticed women mention watching porn as premeditated evil. I do not think being a HD is something to be proud of, but I think some people do not know what it is like to be one. 

When I was younger all I wanted was to watch (if not touch), a woman's breasts and behind being fondled and kissed without thinking about myself. I am growing old, and I feel like being wanted, to be touched, to be spoken to in a conversation. 

I am writing this to ask you folks if you find yourselves in a similar situation and how you deal with it. I have no plans of walking out of the marriage. I've never believed in counseling. So if you want to write along those lines, it may not be of use to me.

Thank you!


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

I won't say too much to avoid projecting.

But my marriage was me hd, her Ld. I felt unloved, she felt used. Bad for both. In the end though turned out she loved me as a friend, or some such bs..

You may need to look at the sex drive mismatch as a symptom, rather than a cause.

Eta I too was sexually active far too young and various other similarities to your post. Lack of initiation or enthusiasm from stbx


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Do you want the marriage to work? Does she want the marriage to work? Your first step if both say yes, is to get into some marriage counseling and get the issues out in the open. If you cant get to the issues your wasting your time. You say you don't believe in that, but you obviously don't know how to get started either. A neutral 3rd party that wont take sides, is what you need. If you don't go into it without putting it ALL out on the table, then you are truly in trouble as a marriage. You already admit you know nothing about women, yet you sound like your not willing to learn either.

BTW it sounds like you could use some individual counseling, not sure if your wife knows all of what you said above, but she just might be intimidated by it all.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

What does all this mean?

LD, HD, TD, QD, CD, MD.......


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

RECHTSANWALT said:


> I've never believed in counseling. So if you want to write along those lines, it may not be of use to me.
> 
> Thank you!


Well, you are like a person who is ill, who states to everyone "I don't believe in doctors so if this is what you want to suggest, it may not be of use to me."

Sorry, pal. Your marriage is a mess. Your wife is a mess. And you are a mess too. And by yourself, most likely you will never get out of it. So you NEED help. Outside help, and plenty.

You came here, which means you are willing to hear some other points of view... now you got mine


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## 2009Flhtc (May 3, 2013)

My first marriage was like that. The last 25 years the sex was infrequent and unsatisfying. My wife just did not enjoy sex. As a result I turned to porn and stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids. Unfotunatley my wife passed away a few years ago. I've since remarried and my second wife is so much different than my first wife. I thought something was wrong wife me before but I now know it wasn't me. My wife now is my best friend, a wonderful wife and the best lover I've ever been with. We have known each other since the 3rd grade and are compatible in every way. Maybe finding some common interest and talking honetly about your issues would be a start. Be prepared to get your feelings hurt and hurt some feelings if you're honest. I was miserable for years but I am now happier than I have ever been. Good luck with it.


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