# Is it me?



## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

This is a doozy for a first post, I know. 

Having read around for a while, I fully expect to feel attacked by the responses, so I have prepared myself 

I was a "victim" of sorts I suppose to sexual abuse growing up. I never consider myself a "survivor" because it wasn't a huge, painful ordeal, but it clearly affected me more than I ever gave credit for. I don't feel like, nor intend for my husband to have to make up for what was done to me. I also understand how men "love" phisically, and women don't. 
I know it is a 50/50 compromise in a marriage, and (as most women appear) I feel like I am doing more than my fair share. Which I think is adding to the problem. which is:

I don't want to have sex with my husband.

I do want to. I think of it alot. However, when I feel like I am going to make a move (a VERY difficult thing for me) something happens, I get mad, then I feel like a *****. Like the only thing he wants from me is that. Actually, he has said that before,. After an hour ling frustration battlle, I finally asked him if there was any way we could have the perfect marriage, what role would I play? He said, spending his paycheck and having sex. The rest didn't matter. This may seem like a WONDERFUL thing for a lot of people, but for me, it just made me seem like I was worthless. The only thing that I contribute to this marriage is sex and making him look good by buying extravagant things.

I can't understand the "entitlement" side of sex. I have tried, and I do "get it" I just can't grasp why going to work and coming home constitutes a healthy relationship that is full of sex. I'm tired. Not physically. Mentally. I have a 14 year old son with Down syndrome, that takes a lot of energy. I have a 3 year old son, who takes a lot of energy. I am an office manager that has no support staff directly under me. I have time limitations on how long I can stay to get my work done and end up taking it it home. SO I work for 7am-4:45 pm at th office, come home, bathe kids fix supper, work after he leaves for work, then start all over again in the morning. He works nights so he isn't here for bedtime or mornings. Thats' where the trouble comes in. He does nothing during the day. He comes home, watches TV until noon, then goes to be. Sleeps until about an hour before leaving for work, then passive aggressively attacks me about no sex, then rinse. Repeat.

My house looks like a family of dammits live here because I have no time to do anything, but he basically says no sex, no help. Meanwhile, the dog poop in the floor that he walked over to get in the bed, is being picked up by me while he's saying that I shouldl be in there (bedroom) bent over instead of doing that. 

I cannot relax. 

how do I fix this? How do I have sex without feeling resentful? I feel like I am giving all I have, but if I'm not spread eagle on the bed for him at his discretion, nothing else I do matters. 

vvvv Insert multiple flames here vvvvhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/banghead.gif.pagespeed.ce.Vpq8lTuFog.gif


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

FusionCon said:


> This is a doozy for a first post, I know.
> 
> Having read around for a while, I fully expect to feel attacked by the responses, so I have prepared myself
> 
> ...


I think your husband is forgetting to show as much emotional support and love as you would like. 

As a man I do understand his views but I try to also put myself in my wifes position and cater for her wants and needs because I love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your husband is a douche bag. The next time to dog craps on the floor and your H walks through it then WATCHES you clean it up, THROW it at his face!

"My darling douchbag of a husband, it appears we are at an impass in our lives. If you don't get sex you refuse to help around the house. If I don't get help around the house I don't want sex. I have therefore decided, on a sex schedule. 

"On Monday I will hold your hand and in return, you will sweep the kitchen floor.
On Tuesday I will kiss you on the cheek and in return you will unload and reload the dishwasher.
On Wednesday I will give you a handjob, in return you will take care of the boys from the moment school ends to the moment they go to bed including homework, dinner, cleaning kitchen, bath and bed time.
On Thursday you get nothing and you will give nothing.
On Friday you will again take care of the boys after school till bedtime and if you can get them to sleep before you have to leave, I will provide duty sex."

You two need a MC pronto and frankly I doubt even a MC can save this marriage. Really douche bag men should NEVER marry!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Your husband is a douche bag. The next time to dog craps on the floor and your H walks through it then WATCHES you clean it up, THROW it at his face!
> 
> "My darling douchbag of a husband, it appears we are at an impass in our lives. If you don't get sex you refuse to help around the house. If I don't get help around the house I don't want sex. I have therefore decided, on a sex schedule.
> 
> ...


I agree with every word. Especially the last sentence. I'll add that she is a bad wife. Non sexual people should also NEVER marry.


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

I strongly suspect NPD is involved here. I am not non sexual! I love sex. My brain gets in the way of it a lot , but I love it just the Same. It probably doesn't help that he has a real"endurance" issue. I'm all for the wham bam thank you ma'am, but no matter how he tries, it's (this is generous)2minutes start to finish. The difference is, he rebounds like a woman. I've seen him go 3 times in half an hour. Grrrrr. All I've done is almost get there, get let down, only for him to have had more than enough fun for both of us.

I had a hysterectomy last year that made HUGE improvements in this area, since now I actually can have sex everyday if it arises.

I really just feel used.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You're both in a self-perpetuating cycle of dysfunction. He's not helping - in fact, he's deeply angry and punishing you by not helping and being a jerk - because of the lack of sex. That in turn makes you even less interested in sex, above and beyond your past history of sexual abuse. Neither of you are going to get out of this on your own. You need MC and you need IC to deal with the sexual abuse. I doubt anything will fix your relationship at this point - they've deteriorated too far, IMO, but the only alternative is divorce ASAP.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You two need a MC pronto and frankly I doubt even a MC can save this marriage. Really douche bag men should NEVER marry!


I see what you did there. :smthumbup:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You two need to establish a baseline of who does what when. A routine. Establish a support network for the kid with special needs, respite care? Not sure of name. Simplify life - dog? - and outsource some stuff if you can afford to.

Once THIS is agreed to by both sides, adhered to by both sides, and sustained by both sides for a period of some time, THEN you can start thinking about repairing the damage.

Think of it as triage. Once you have addressed the basic stuff them worry about details...MC and IC pronto obviously but beforehand get to a steady state otherwise MC or IC will be a monumental waste of time and money....


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

Here's thie kicker the 14 year old is mine. The3 yo is ours. So that's always a bone of contention. Before the little one was born, life was peachy. Now his needs and the little ones needs are met first. Ugh.


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

I lost 90 pounds last year. That was met with even more sexual wants than, congratulatory attitude. I just need to be supported. I really couldn't care less about doing everything, if he even acted like I was a vital part of this relationship, rather than my body.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You will never be supported by a little boy. Only a man can support a woman. Your husband is a little boy. His needs his wants his grandstanding his desire his POV...

The man doesn't even bother to give you sexual satisfaction, then wonders why sex isn't a priority? OMG the absolute stupidity of some men astounds me! Astounds me! 

"So douche bag husband, you leave me high and dry all the time and I'm supposed to look forward to that? You give me no support and expect me to wait on you and I'm supposed to want to have sex with that?"

Girl, I might have to reach through this computer screen and revoke your right to have a vagina. The vagina is nestled between two study legs, legs that kick, stomp, walk and run. Get your legs working!

I think you are codependent, I can't see any other person but a codependent who would even consider living in this type of relationship. Fix yourself first! "Parents, put your mask on first!" Get yourself strong and healthy.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I agree with every word. Especially the last sentence. I'll add that she is a bad wife. Non sexual people should also NEVER marry.


She is a sexual being. She was stunted because a woman married a little boy. Little boys are only sexually attractive to pedophiles. Clearly, OP is no pedophile.


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

I moved my things to another room. We rarely sleep together due to work hours. Had a long talk this morning. I showed him these responses. His "prove you wrong" attitude is in the house folding laundry and watching cartoons with the little one. Counseling with our pastor and celebrate recovery for him starts Monday after work for him. Mine is Monday afternoon with the pastor. He's a licensed therapist, so it's not bible beating. We shall see.


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

reading back through these, I seem pretty selfish in ONE respect. I should clarify, I DO understand the importance of sex in a healthy marriage. I also understand that my behavior, seems like I am projecting the same attitude of "payment" for sex. It's not that we don't have sex. We do. I'm just left feeling less than satisfied in all respects.

One thing that I feel like impacts our differences is intellectual level. I am not boasting, please don't take it that way. Our intellectual levels are dramatically uneven. I graduated a year early from school with honors, he graduated a year late and was in "resource" classes through out his school career. We both have(had) ADD . he was diagnosed as a child, I wasn't until adulthood. I am medicated for it, he is not. I feel that sometimes, I expect more intellectually stimulating interactions than he is able to give. That does not change my love for him, it just makes somethings a bit more difficult. Our son has inherited my side of things He's 3 and has been in the 5 year old class at his preschool since he turned 3. I sometimes wonder if this affects H negatively. Afraid he is inferior in our house as far as intelligence is concerned. He's closer to the 14 year old in that respect so he fights that.

I'm not making excuses for him, because no matter what his brain is like, he lets his mind control his actions and that is unfair to everyone. Blah.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

FusionCon said:


> I also understand how men "love" phisically, and women don't.


I disagree. In my experience, women love touching just as much as men do. At least healthy women do.



> _how do I fix this? How do I have sex without feeling resentful?_


That is a HUGE deal, which can't be fixed in a forum like this. You really need individual conseling, big time.




> _I feel like I am giving all I have, but if I'm not spread eagle on the bed for him at his discretion, nothing else I do matters_.


Duh!! of course!! Men want sex. It's one reason we get married. Look, even if I was a saint, if my wife gave up on sex then nothing else she did right would matter to me. I have a feeling your husband is the same way. Fix the sex problem first, because that is HUGE. Then if the other problems persist, go to MC with your husband.

I agree that it's childish for your husband to stop helping you around the house unless you have sex, *BUT* cut him some slack. A person who is starving is not always in their right mind!!

Outside of that, you have a lot of problems with makes everything difficult with work, schedules, kids, etc. Is there any way either you or your husband could change your schedules to spend more time with each other?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> "My darling douchbag of a husband, it appears we are at an impass in our lives. If you don't get sex you refuse to help around the house. If I don't get help around the house I don't want sex. I have therefore decided, on a sex schedule.


I hope you are being sarcastic, because otherwise this is the worst advice ever. Sex should *NEVER* be a quid pro quo, or part of some "deal". Both partners should do it because they enjoy it. Marriage is based on love, it's not a long-term prostitution contract. 

I agree the husband is being a jerk though.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

FusionCon said:


> I moved my things to another room. We rarely sleep together due to work hours. Had a long talk this morning. I showed him these responses. His "prove you wrong" attitude is in the house folding laundry and watching cartoons with the little one. Counseling with our pastor and celebrate recovery for him starts Monday after work for him. Mine is Monday afternoon with the pastor. He's a licensed therapist, so it's not bible beating. We shall see.


Fascinating! You actually showed him this thread?

Can you give him this message too?


Dear douche bag,

I say this will all due respect. Being able to get it up again so quickly is an absolute wonderful thing to be able to do. But more important is knowing how to give your wife an orgasm. And here's how...

Find her clitoris, if unsure you can google it: "where is a woman's clitoris" you might want to click google image and find images of a woman's vulva that closely resemble the size and shape of your wife's labia majora and labia minor. 

Now you know where that magic button is located, you must now set about stimulating it in the way she likes. She will, obviously, need to be vocal with directions, encouragement, and tips. You must pay very special attention to her clitoris each and every time you have sex. Your goal is to give her 3 clitoral orgasms before you consider penetrating her vaginally.

If you can accomplish this, I can guarantee you that she will be much more excited about having sex with you.

The other part you need to learn as that the vast majority of women need to feel LOVED, DESIRED, and CHERISHED. The way to make her feel this is to help around the house and with the children, spend time with her, JUST her, focusing on topics of interest that don't have anything to do with kids, home or work. This means you must learn to converse about a wide variety of topics. Remember when you were dating? You had lots to talk about that had nothing to do with kids or home, but maybe shared a lot about work. Share your history, your thought about current events, your hopes and dreams for the future. Ask her to share hers. To make your wife feel you desire her means you give her compliments, you express your gratitude for the ways she makes your life better. Your wife feels cherished when you can show her that at times, not all the time, her needs are more important than yours.

I wish you luck as you endeavor to break off the yoke of douche baggery.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

FusionCon said:


> reading back through these, I seem pretty selfish in ONE respect. I should clarify, I DO understand the importance of sex in a healthy marriage. I also understand that my behavior, seems like I am projecting the same attitude of "payment" for sex. It's not that we don't have sex. We do. I'm just left feeling less than satisfied in all respects.
> 
> One thing that I feel like impacts our differences is intellectual level. I am not boasting, please don't take it that way. Our intellectual levels are dramatically uneven. I graduated a year early from school with honors, he graduated a year late and was in "resource" classes through out his school career. We both have(had) ADD . he was diagnosed as a child, I wasn't until adulthood. I am medicated for it, he is not. I feel that sometimes, I expect more intellectually stimulating interactions than he is able to give. That does not change my love for him, it just makes somethings a bit more difficult. Our son has inherited my side of things He's 3 and has been in the 5 year old class at his preschool since he turned 3. I sometimes wonder if this affects H negatively. Afraid he is inferior in our house as far as intelligence is concerned. He's closer to the 14 year old in that respect so he fights that.
> 
> I'm not making excuses for him, because no matter what his brain is like, he lets his mind control his actions and that is unfair to everyone. Blah.


I hope that attitude gets adjusted along with your H's! When a person has untreated ADHD they are unavailable to learn, not unable. There is also the comorbid prevalence of a learning disorder, which again bears no reflection on his overall intelligence, simply the way in which his brain learns.

For someone with such intelligence, I find it appalling how little you have educated yourself about ADHD and the lack of support you give to your husband about something that is no doubt extraordinarily hurtful! Shame on you!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I had undiagnosed ADHD growing up and was a lousy student in high school. Still have it. Didn't stop me from learning... My older daughter has ADHD also and is treated, and she's a magna cum laude scholar.

But I feel we're exceptions... It was fairly hard for me to focus, it was essentially learned the hard way...

Intellectually I am light years above my wife who is similarly educated but has little "street smarts". Way too many factors to make a call.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I hope you are being sarcastic, because otherwise this is the worst advice ever. Sex should *NEVER* be a quid pro quo, or part of some "deal". Both partners should do it because they enjoy it. Marriage is based on love, it's not a long-term prostitution contract.
> 
> I agree the husband is being a jerk though.


Absolutely. Quid pro quo is no way for a healthy marriage to work. Tit for tat asinine behavior just makes everyone an ass.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Can you give him this message too?
> 
> Dear douche bag,
> 
> ...


Anon Pink,

Are you talking to the OP, or someone else entirely? You are writing an awful lot responding to things that the OP didn't even mention.

It's like a "projection train" running off the rails!




Anon Pink said:


> For someone with such intelligence, I find it appalling how little you have educated yourself about ADHD and the lack of support you give to your husband about something that is no doubt extraordinarily hurtful! Shame on you!



 So you call the husband a "douche bag" at least 10 times, but then so passionately scold the wife for not being understanding of his ADHD? That's a bit hypocritical. Actually, not a bit, it's severely hypocritical.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Theseus said:


> I hope you are being sarcastic, because otherwise this is the worst advice ever. Sex should *NEVER* be a quid pro quo, or part of some "deal". Both partners should do it because they enjoy it. Marriage is based on love, it's not a long-term prostitution contract.
> 
> I agree the husband is being a jerk though.


I agree. What is even more disturbing is that some here would equate sex (something that should be a mutually pleasurable expression of love and bond) with unpleasant household tasks. The lack of participation in household responsibilities needs to be addressed as does the lack of sex. Though they are related, one should not be witheld to gain the other. They are both wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Anon Pink,
> 
> Are you talking to the OP, or someone else entirely? You are writing an awful lot responding to things that the OP didn't even mention.
> 
> It's like a "projection train" running off the rails!


No projection... See OP's post...




fusioncon said:


> I strongly suspect NPD is involved here. I am not non sexual! I love sex. My brain gets in the way of it a lot , but I love it just the Same. It probably doesn't help that he has a real"endurance" issue. I'm all for the wham bam thank you ma'am, but no matter how he tries, it's (this is generous)2minutes start to finish. The difference is, he rebounds like a woman. I've seen him go 3 times in half an hour. Grrrrr.* All I've done is almost get there, get let down,* only for him to have had more than enough fun for both of us.


So you see, she did complain about not getting an orgasm.




> So you call the husband a "douche bag" at least 10 times, but then so passionately scold the wife for not being understanding of his ADHD? That's a bit hypocritical. Actually, not a bit, it's severely hypocritical.


I don't think "hypocritical" is the right word here. For I have neither condemned him for things I do, nor have I condemned her for things I do. I have been hyper-critical in that my name calling was perhaps a bit over the top, but they each deserved to be criticized for their behavior toward the other.

As happens so many times in thread, the full truth of each spouse contributing to the lousy condition of the marriage trickles out only after the OP has found some justification for feeling the way they do.

Do you wish to dissect my posts in other threads too?


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

I have complete understanding of ADD. I have it. I've had it my whole life. I struggled with it all through school due to being undiagnosed. I have complete sympathy for that. He is the one who CHOOSES to be untreated. I can't do anything about that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

FusionCon said:


> I have complete understanding of ADD. I have it. I've had it my whole life. I struggled with it all through school due to being undiagnosed. I have complete sympathy for that. He is the one who CHOOSES to be untreated. I can't do anything about that.


And yet you use the term intellectual level when it should be distractibility level. A persons intelligence has little to do with their ability to focus and complete tasks. A persons learning style also has little to do with their intelligence.



> One thing that I feel like impacts our differences is intellectual level. I am not boasting, please don't take it that way. Our intellectual levels are dramatically uneven. I graduated a year early from school with honors, he graduated a year late and was in "resource" classes through out his school career.


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

I use the term intellectual level, because it is truthful, not judgemental. I completely understand the struggles of ADD. I also know there is a difference between ADD and ADHD.

It is a fact of life that intellectual abilities are different. That does not mean that it isn't compensated for in other areas. He is SUPER patient. He CHOOSES to be untreated for his known issue. That is NOT my fault.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Clinically, it's ADHD. The only difference is the hyperactive/impulsive component.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

FusionCon said:


> Here's thie kicker the 14 year old is mine. The3 yo is ours. So that's always a bone of contention. Before the little one was born, life was peachy. Now his needs and the little ones needs are met first. Ugh.


He is being a DB. I'm all for the concept that you don't marry to get a parent for your kids. But, common sense says you agree that all the kids have needs to be met. There's no way he could not have known that you will have to care for him in some form for the rest of his life. Unless you hid this from him (and I'm sure you did not), he knowingly signed on for both of you.

Then, he agreed to have another child of your own. Now, he's pissy because stuff needs to be done and he can't get all the attention he wants. That's truly childish - at a minimum he should pull his share around the home and with your child together, and not complain if you have to work from home or tend to your older son.

I would not want anyone who would put off their own children or have me put mine off for some screwing. It would not matter what else that person brought to the table (and your H sounds like he has other issues too). And, I'm solidly in the HD camp.

BTW, your work habits create legal liability for your employer. You leave after X number of hours because you are entitled to hourly pay and your employer wants to limit it. But, by bringing it home your employer still has to pay you for that time.

You really should stop that behavior. It takes time away from your family. And, you'll be fired if your boss finds out. And, it is simply unfair to work without pay. It's a losing deal all around.


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

I get paid for any and all hours at home. When he was on a different work schedule, he kelt the kids in the afternoon and I worked until 6 or 7. NOw that I have no help with the kids, I can't get anything done. If anyone needs to be picked up at school. It's me. If anyone forgets something at home, it's me that has to go get it. My work hours are broken at best.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Punishing your husband for not doing chores is not the answer. You'll both be miserable until he cheats or you leave, or vice verse.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

FusionCon said:


> This is a doozy for a first post, I know.
> 
> Having read around for a while, I fully expect to feel attacked by the responses, so I have prepared myself
> 
> ...



You are a good woman, no question about it.

Yes, men need sex for their mental and physical release and its how we are built. It's not just about sex, its the connection for us too but we do this via physical contact aka sex.

When you make a sexual move on your hubby, you are telling him you love him, mentally and physically. There is nothing wrong with this and you are not being used.

Most guys would just love sex for what it is, because we are built that way.

Wow, you raise two beautiful kids with challenges and work a full time office job? That would drain anyone mentally and I can see why you don't want sex much, if at all. Totally understandable.

Hubby works nights, so by the time he gets home, you are getting up for work? I know when I worked night shifts, they are brutal and I don't feel rested or the same compared to working day shifts. Maybe he is the same?

You guys needs to make time for quickie sex. This is not long sex marathons, this is relatively quick. So when he gets home from work, quick sex when you are just getting up? Then during the day, he could do some of the chores and when you get home from work, there's a romantic card, dinner ready and flowers as a surprise for you. Then when he gets home from work, quickie sex. You get that emotional wanting to feel special and needed and he gets the sex for what he needs. But its 50 / 50. No quickie sex for him unless he does this for you.

Tell him, you need that from him, some chores every day, surprise dinner, cards, flowers, etc. and then you will want to have quickie sex with him. Tell him, marriage is 50 / 50. If you get what you need, he will get what he needs. He has to really understand this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Quickie sex? Did you read her posts? She's already getting quickie sex!

Quickie sex sucks!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Then she needs to tell hubby that she needs the romance and chores done because that takes the stress from her and makes her feel needed and special. You have to really tell him this and be firm.

How can she really get long great sex sessions when she works days and hubbs works nights? It's not really possible. Been there, done that.


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

duplicated post grrr


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

Lets be real. I want a clean house, he wants a sexual beast. If we each had exactly what we wanted, then chances are, that the other person wouldn't be too happy because they were doing something they didn't want to do. In other words, if he were cleaning house all day, begrudgingly, then he wouldn't be happy. Do I want him to be unhappy? No. Him unhappy makes me miserable, and vice versa.

I just want a happy medium. 

We have sex. 1-2 times a week. He's not sexually starved. 

I went to a sex toy bachelorette party last night. I texted him did he want "a", "b" or "c". His response? Whatever makes me get more sex.. . :/

Our schedules collide like trains. He doesn't get home until after I leave. He *could* go to bed sooner and get up earlier so we could have a little more tiem, but he chooses to stay up until noon, then get up an hour before time to leave for work. In that hour, he has to shower, eat and get ready. He did not work last night, but is currently in the bed (went to bed at 9 last night) and won't get up until about 5pm. He leaves at 6:30. So the one thing I did buy last night, has no chance of being used.

I could go in there and wake him up to use it, but there wuld be a constant barrage of children at the door the entire time, which makes me feel like crap.

Maybe I'm not looking for answers, maybe I just needed to get it out to someone/somewhere.


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

Middle ground means compromise on both sides. You are exhausted, anyone would be in your circumstance. It sounds like you don't have a lot of loving feelings left for him atm understandably. Your husbands attitude demonstrates he cares little about you or meeting your needs/helping you out yet he expects you to meet his. This will never work in a marriage. Is he aware of your past sexual abuse? 

Is he willing to put in ANY effort or discuss this with you? Would he read any books like His Needs, Her Needs? Would he go to counseling?


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

FusionCon said:


> Lets be real. I want a clean house, he wants a sexual beast. If we each had exactly what we wanted, then chances are, that the other person wouldn't be too happy because they were doing something they didn't want to do. In other words, if he were cleaning house all day, begrudgingly, then he wouldn't be happy. Do I want him to be unhappy? No. Him unhappy makes me miserable, and vice versa.
> 
> I just want a happy medium.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you are both worn out and never get time together or time for yourselves. That would take a toll on any relationship. 

You said things were better before... was he always this way about sex/helping out?


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## FusionCon (Nov 16, 2013)

Random_Girl said:


> It sounds like you are both worn out and never get time together or time for yourselves.?


AMEN!

As for before. I don't remember them being this way. Of course, rose-colored infatuation may have blinded me, but I don't remember it being this way before. It wasn't that he helped a lot, but there wasn't much to do when it was just the 3 of us. My oldest son used to go to his dad's for 5 days in a row every other week. That gave us 10-15 days a month for just us. In the last 5 years, that has dwindled to less than 1 day a month. Between the 3yo and the increased time at home with the 14yo, there is just a lot more to do.

We have no family nearby that can take them on last minute. We live out in the boonies, so there is no neighbors that we can child-care swap with. We just have to make do. The rare occasion that both jkids aren't here, it's like a collapse around here.


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