# Every morning when I wake up I feel this heaviness on my heart



## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

It's like this incredible wave of sadness and despair. Indescribable. Almost like in the bible (for those that are familiar) when Moses parted the red sea, I imagine it feels like standing on the ocean floor and having that sea crash down all around me. I can't possibly see my way out of it. I can't hear anything.

I have been separated for two months now. My husband left in what was supposed to be a trial separation and now he is with someone else. I suspect (not that anything actually 'happened'), but that he wanted to be with her for a while now, while we were still living as a family with the kids. I get there were many problems to our marriage but I still am shocked because I never thought he actually would pull the plug. 

I just don't know how to continue. Every morning feels like winter, cold and panicked. I don't want to get up. In those first few moments of waking up, before my conscious mind even turns back on and realises the situation I get this heartachy panicked feeling of terrible aloneness. Then I realise what has happened, like I was just dreaming and then woke up, expecting it all to have been a dream. Like when you are a kid and you sleep over at your friends house, you wake up in the morning expecting to be in your own bedroom before you remember that you are at your friends place. Kind of like that, I just expect my husband to be there, but he's not. Then I remember.


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## Mattv88 (Mar 11, 2018)

I understand that feeling.... A lot of nights I have a dream that she is in bed next to me and we are cuddling...only to wake up my arms stretched to her side of the bed empty. I'm hoping that passes


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

But you are not alone...

You have six billion other souls pressing down the same soil with their feet, some clad, some bare. 

You have your children, some family and some friends.
You are not alone...

You are depressed and dejected. Not done, just in limbo.
There is one thing in life that is promised. That is change.
Good change, bad change.

You claim 'bad change' because it is not of your choosing. 
It is not always your choosing. 
Such is life, being 'one of many'.

You own not The World. You are a Guest.
Remake yourself, revisit the World, revisit Life. 

Be grateful for being given a room at the Inn of Life.
...............................................................................................

You express well, life will certainly reward you for opening your flower, your song....Oh, Silverbird.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Silverbird said:


> It's like this incredible wave of sadness and despair. Indescribable. Almost like in the bible (for those that are familiar) when Moses parted the red sea, I imagine it feels like standing on the ocean floor and having that sea crash down all around me. I can't possibly see my way out of it. I can't hear anything.
> 
> I have been separated for two months now. My husband left in what was supposed to be a trial separation and now he is with someone else. I suspect (not that anything actually 'happened'), but that he wanted to be with her for a while now, while we were still living as a family with the kids. I get there were many problems to our marriage but I still am shocked because I never thought he actually would pull the plug.
> 
> I just don't know how to continue. Every morning feels like winter, cold and panicked. I don't want to get up. In those first few moments of waking up, before my conscious mind even turns back on and realises the situation I get this heartachy panicked feeling of terrible aloneness. Then I realise what has happened, like I was just dreaming and then woke up, expecting it all to have been a dream. Like when you are a kid and you sleep over at your friends house, you wake up in the morning expecting to be in your own bedroom before you remember that you are at your friends place. Kind of like that, I just expect my husband to be there, but he's not. Then I remember.


*Haven't you heard? That's the whole purpose of "trial separations!"

The wayward will imploringly tell you "the great lie" and that it's only purpose is to see if things can be sufficiently resurrected within the marital relationship for it to continue!

Not so! The only resurrection that really occurs is the continuing hardening of the waywards heart and her OM's penis, all while being cloistered safely off somewhere, being "out of sight and out of mind" of the BS, doing their thing much like entitled, unrepentant teenagers with raging hormones, without nary a care in the world!
*


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Silverbird said:


> It's like this incredible wave of sadness and despair. Indescribable. Almost like in the bible (for those that are familiar) when Moses parted the red sea, I imagine it feels like standing on the ocean floor and having that sea crash down all around me. I can't possibly see my way out of it. I can't hear anything.
> 
> I have been separated for two months now. My husband left in what was supposed to be a trial separation and now he is with someone else. I suspect (not that anything actually 'happened'), but that he wanted to be with her for a while now, while we were still living as a family with the kids. I get there were many problems to our marriage but I still am shocked because I never thought he actually would pull the plug.
> 
> I just don't know how to continue. Every morning feels like winter, cold and panicked. I don't want to get up. In those first few moments of waking up, before my conscious mind even turns back on and realises the situation I get this heartachy panicked feeling of terrible aloneness. Then I realise what has happened, like I was just dreaming and then woke up, expecting it all to have been a dream. Like when you are a kid and you sleep over at your friends house, you wake up in the morning expecting to be in your own bedroom before you remember that you are at your friends place. Kind of like that, I just expect my husband to be there, but he's not. Then I remember.


You are grieving your loss. Time and lots of patience towards yourself will get you through this. Please seek professional attention if you can't find your way out of this grief. 

You must accept that the man you married and loved is no longer him. He has moved on and didnt let you know until he had set nest elsewhere. Some spouses use this, the coward's way out of a long term relationship. Forgive him for being so weak and let it go for you, and not for his sake. If you have not done this, please take care of yourself and your children by seeing a lawyer in order to legally dissolve a marriage destroyed by infidelity already. 

There is no point in prolonging the inevitable. The dissolution of the marriage is simply legal paperwork because your wondering spouse is responsible for killing the marriage when he broke his vows and promises. He pulled an exit affair. Those are done to shut the door on left behind relationships and never look back. Like @arbitrator stated, separation is done to get out of the marriage, never to work on it. You simply can not work on a marriage if you are separated. 99% of the time, separation leads to divorce and most certainy not reconciliation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What you are describing sounds like actual depression. 

See your doctor and get treatment. 

Being treated for depression will not bring your H back but the feelings of despair and emptiness etc can be treated with therapy and medication. 

Look at it this way, if you broke your arm, you wouldn't think twice about going to the doctor and getting it set, casted and being on medications in the initial acute phase to treat the pain and inflammation. Over time the pain lessens, the arm heals, the cast comes off and in time you get back to regular life. 

This is an emotional injury that is no different. The initial acute phase is very painful and debilitating and without treatment it can linger on longer than it needs to and can become a chronically disabling thing. 

But with proper treatment, the pain can be reduced to tolerable levels and with therapy your psyche can be set so that that proper healing can take place and in time the pain subsides, the wound heals and normal functioning is restored. 

Get this injury treated just like you would a broken arm or other physical injury.


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

I know I need professional help but have just been trialling this forum first. It is a comfort of sorts to be able to come here and see that perhaps I'm in the same boat as a lot of others and I'm not alone.


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

My husband has just joined this forum. I have no idea why, he has no place on here. I feel like he is invading the one place where I can get help and feel safe. He just wants to prove himself right and that he didn't have an exit EA with another woman and is now with her. I can't do this for much longer.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't give up on yourself. Your posts reflect you're a caring and empathetic woman. And in most marriage issues it takes two to tango but in some there's one side who does the screwing up. Here, maybe it's him, I don't know. 

But don't give up. Go visit friends or family for a period of days. Grieving is normal and but so is moving forward, you can do it. The uncertainties you're feeling will pass.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Silverbird said:


> My husband has just joined this forum. I have no idea why, he has no place on here. I feel like he is invading the one place where I can get help and feel safe. He just wants to prove himself right and that he didn't have an exit EA with another woman and is now with her. I can't do this for much longer.


What's his username?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Why did you tell him about the forum and your post if you wanted privacy?


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

@ReturntoZero He decided his username would be 'MrSilverbird'
@StarFires I didn't tell him about this specific forum. I told him that I was seeking help and advice from a marriage forum and he 'apparently' searched the internet and found me on this one because he recognised my username because it's my gaming username. That's what he said. Either that or he was on my computer when he 'picked up some stuff' the other day and saw it. I suspect that's what happened. He literally joined this forum to justify himself and to rub his emotional affair and new GF in my face. He has no other reason to be on here and I cant make a private thread because I don't have enough posts yet but even if I did who's to say he won't just post more to reach the required amount and then be able to see my stuff still.. Actually thinking of just taking it elsewhere to a different forum, somewhere private, don't know where though.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Silverbird,

It's an open forum, so your husband is welcome here, too. I realize that you would prefer it be your safe place.
From my perspective, he wanted to tell his side (which he has done in his own post now) and wanted to leave it there without being open to any further discussion or critique. That won't stop posters from speaking their mind, however.

I mentioned in your initial post that you should focus on your healing and detachment, which is easy for me to say and harder for you to even begin to think about right now.
So, it will take small and consistent steps. Consider the energy that you are putting into the shock of realizing that he has pulled the plug. The energy that you are putting into the depressive state you find yourself in. That is energy that you are pouring into the past relationship (i.e. "mourning") rather than pouring it into your future. 

I'm not saying to forget. A mourning period is necessary, but it needs to have an "end-date" for when you agree to yourself that you are going to start to move beyond.

I haven't forgotten my divorce. In fact, I regularly (sometimes daily) think about all of the things that I (and my ex) did wrong in our past marriage. That way, I am sure not to repeat those mistakes in my present one. I know that I am already a better woman and wife than I was in my last relationship, because I introspected and discovered my limits, my preferences, and my boundaries at the end of the last one.

Hurt heals over time. Make no mistake. You'll carry scars but the pain that you feel now will dull over time. Eventually, you'll reach a point when you remember the person you were at this moment, and you'll think to yourself how much you've changed and grown since. But that will only happen if you DO take efforts to detach and focus on your future.

Once the dust settles some and you've processed your grief and mourned the end of the marriage, my strong suggestion remains that you file for divorce. But it's only a suggestion... you have to do what you think is best and to your own timetable.

If MrSB is truly done, and the divorce can be actioned by you both cerebrally and amicably, I am hopeful that he will make good on his admission to this board and carry the divorce through to completion. I believe you owe it to yourself to help with your detachment. 

He also owes it to his own self and to the integrity of his girlfriend to divorce, since right now to some he would be considered a cheater and she would be considered a homewrecker.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Perhaps your husband has access to your internet history?

As someone said, you are grieving a loss. You seem to feel you have been betrayed, which is understandable since you have reason to believe the new woman was part of the picture before the separation. When I was in a similar situation, I remember going over things in my head obsessively trying to determine when the lies started. I would remember an event where he had acted strangely, and then try to place the time and put it in context with other events. It was torture. That went on until I exhausted myself - about 6 weeks or more.

It seems like most men don't leave until there is a good prospect outside the marriage. You don't say who asked for the trial separation. Regardless, you have been dumped, and that is NO fun. Of course you are in shock. 

I am going to suggest that you stop talking to your husband about what you are doing (going on line for support, spending time with friends, whatever). He gave up the right to know what you do when he took up with another woman. Any sharing of personal matters at this point only gives him power over you. If you need to talk, and it sound like you do, either find a counselor or a mentor (not a friend, and not anyone who knows you husband). You can not rely on him for emotional support.

Good luck. I am sorry for this pain you are experiencing.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Silverbird said:


> @ReturntoZero He decided his username would be 'MrSilverbird'
> 
> @StarFires I didn't tell him about this specific forum. I told him that I was seeking help and advice from a marriage forum and he 'apparently' searched the internet and found me on this one because he recognised my username because it's my gaming username. That's what he said. Either that or he was on my computer when he 'picked up some stuff' the other day and saw it. I suspect that's what happened. He literally joined this forum to justify himself and to rub his emotional affair and new GF in my face. He has no other reason to be on here and I cant make a private thread because I don't have enough posts yet but even if I did who's to say he won't just post more to reach the required amount and then be able to see my stuff still.. Actually thinking of just taking it elsewhere to a different forum, somewhere private, don't know where though.


You can request it be put in the private forum here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I posted the following on Mr.Silverbird's thread...

You can of course post here on TAM. But I suggest that you don't. The reason is that you have made it clear that to you, your marriage is over and you have moved on to a new relationship.

Anything that your wife does and says is no longer any of your business. Just like you feel that what you do now is none of her business. 

Your wife came here for support to help her accept that her marriage is over and move on. How can she move on if you keep interjecting your words and trying to influence those who support her?

How would you like it if she saw you talking to your affair partner and/or friends and she walked up and started telling everyone her side of the story? I'll bet you would be angry about that.

There are at least three sides to every marriage story, her side, his side and the truth. We know that each of you see 'the truth' through your own filters. We know that. It does not matter as she needs support.

You need to leave her alone and not stalk her online.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When my marriage ended very suddenly and traumatically after 23 years it was appalling. Its a horrible, traumatic, painful time, but for your children's sake you have to carry on. I was all my children had and they I just kept going for them. 

Its clear that the trial separation was not that, but an excuse for him to leave for the OW. I have no idea how anyone can leave their family, especially their own children, but people are very selfish these days.

Its as if he has died, you are in grief, in fact sometimes worse that grief because of the betrayal as well.

Time will help, take a day at a time and be kind to yourself. 

See if there is a divorce recovery workshop near you. Its for anyone who is separated or divorced. I think the website is DRW.org.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I posted the following on Mr.Silverbird's thread...
> 
> You can of course post here on TAM. But I suggest that you don't. The reason is that you have made it clear that to you, your marriage is over and you have moved on to a new relationship.
> 
> ...


Truly excellent prose.

Well done - and on point.


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