# Hi, New here. Possibley dealing with a Sex Addict husband?



## Rene82

I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years. Married to him for 10 months. Sex life was always constant but not wow. (just thought I was a little freakier than him) My husband always looked at porn, which i knew about and didn't have a problem with. In May of this year I decided to go on our computer and look into what he was looking at (to see what he liked) so that I could try to spice things up. What I found was a smack in the face I never saw coming. Massive amounts of daily porn, adult dating sites, replies to craigslist ads and escort services. I was devastated. I decided to confront him. I was very calm in doing so and started out with asking if he had ever gone outside of our relationship, answer was no. Asked if he had ever been with an escort. Answer was no. No information was admitted me me at all. So then I had to pull out each email that I had found. One by one, then all of a sudden he remembered. He claimed he was embarrassed and he was sorry. He claims he was with one escort but it was before we met. He said he contacted them through email but never went through with anything. He was so sorry. He promises that he has done nothing of the sort since we were married 10 months ago. I was hurt and still am but I know i swept it under the rug. I would periodically check internet history but would find nothing. I continued to have a gut feeling that wouldn't go away. One day I decided to look at a different browser on our computer and there it was, escort sites! Four of them! Not porn sites, but escort and adult discrete dating sites. I confront him, again calmly. Hes says they are pop ups from other sites. He isnt going to them. Again, i let it go under the rug. I continue to look. So last night I pull up the internet cookies since he deletes all of the history now. As I was in the middle of this, opening up all of the sites, one after another he walks in and just looks at me. I calmly look at him and say " you forgot to delete your cookies" and I walked away. He immediately gets upset and angry claiming they are pop up sites that he doesnt go to. (fyi. there are hundreds and they are in the cookies over and over again) Argues that we have been through this already " thousand years ago" ( its been four months ) Screaming at me that I dont trust him and he cant believe I was looking at the cookies. Tells me he cant change it and he has to deal with what his did all the time and if I can"t trust him I need to leave! No consideration for my feeling at all. 

I don't have allot of experience with this. All i can go by is my gut feeling. This is not how an innocent husband would react is it? Please give me any advise or share your experience. Sometimes I feel like I am the crazy and paranoid one. Please help......

Thanks.


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## dormant

You looked for something...You found it...Now you're upset!! Amazing!


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## Rene82

Wow...Such lack of compassion! Thanks dormant!


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## trey69

The email about the escort...what was the date on that? Is it recent? That should let you know more about when this might have taken place.


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## Rene82

The escort email date was when we were living together but not married. He claims he was just curious. Says he never went through with anything. Same with the craigslist ads for NSA fun.


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## Rene82

The advise that I am needing is about the angry reaction I received from him. I know what I found back in May. My issue is whether or not he is still doing it. I don't have any sound proof. Just the fact that he goes to these websites daily.


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## Confused Chick

Hi Rene82. I know your pain and frustration. Only he knows the absolute truth. But maybe you can try this. Open the websites he is claiming to visit that cause the escort pop up and see if you get them yourself. From my own experience and knowledge, all the sites I have ever opened that generate a pop up window, the ad would usually be something similar to the site being browsed. Or sites with live cam services, not escort services.


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## PFTGuy

As a recovering sex and love addict, I think your suspicions are well grounded. When my wife confronted me about her suspicions, I responded with various manipulative behaviors like what you are describing. What is generally true about addicts I think is that they will continue with their behaviors until they "hit bottom," which means that they can no longer tolerate the consequences of their behavior. I'm sorry that this has entered your life...it must be very painful for you. I hope you and your husband are able to work through this.

Peace....


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## southern wife

First of all, stop rug sweeping. Do not allow this in your marriage. Remove the computer. Kick him out if he does not change his ways. He is looking to cheat!


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## Hope1964

PFTGuy said:


> As a recovering sex and love addict, I think your suspicions are well grounded. When my wife confronted me about her suspicions, I responded with various manipulative behaviors like what you are describing. What is generally true about addicts I think is that they will continue with their behaviors until they "hit bottom," which means that *they can no longer tolerate the consequences of their behavior.* I'm sorry that this has entered your life...it must be very painful for you. I hope you and your husband are able to work through this.
> 
> Peace....


The bolded item above is absolutely true. When I discovered my husband doing what yours is, I kicked him out. You can read about his sex addiction through the link to my story in my sig. That was his rock bottom, and he's in recovery and we are doing well for the last couple of years.

Get this book: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens,Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books

You need to find the strength to heal yourself, whether you go on with him or without him.

There is also a link in my sig for information about sex addiction. Your husband, if he wants to stop, needs to see a professional, preferably a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Find one. You can see one too, they usually deal with both spouses.

And like others have said, DO NOT just let this go. You have set a precedent by doing so already. Decide NOW that you will no longer do so.


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## 45188

No that isn't how an innocent spouse acts. When you catch them they react with anger and shame and push the blame onto you and make you feel guilty and crazy. 



> dormant
> You looked for something...You found it...Now you're upset!! Amazing!


Dormant how old are you? Very young I'm assuming? Women need to be able to trust you. They need complete transparency. This woman only wanted to spice up her sex life. Privacy is unneeded in a relationship. When you're in a relationship doing something your partner wouldn't like, you shouldn't be doing it. Why hide anything unless you're guilty of something? Why secrecy? Frankly your views scare me. They are a recipe for disaster.

And you Op!
Your H is actively looking to cheat. Actively! And you keep letting him get away with it. Why do you do this? Can't you see this man for who he is? 

You are not crazy and you are not paranoid either. I am a rug sweeper as well. My boyfriend was having an EA and at times I managed to convince myself to trust him and nothing is going on. But you know what? TAMers were RIGHT. And you are RIGHT.

He has probably already cheated on you.
He has likely already exposed you to STDs. 

He is not only a serial cheater, he is a sex addict and a liar.


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## forevermemorable

I hope that the thread poster has not vanished.

I think your husband is looking to cheat. He has no business going to any of those sites without ulterior motives. What exactly are is motives? Have you asked him that?

FYI...your husband by now is going to know how to delete all of his cookies on all browsers as well as clear the history each time he logs off or shuts down his computer. Its can all be cleared!

Don't dilute yourself into thinking that just because you don't find anything or the fact that your husband doesn't make mention of anything to you or that he denies it, doesn't mean that it is not happening. Just because you two have talked about the subject and it is in the open, does not mean that your husband is free and cured from what he is doing. No one just gets cured all of a sudden. You need to find the root of what has caused him to do what he has been doing. That is the answer.

This is what communication is all about. And if you can't communicate properly (which sounds like the case), get a third party (pastor, counselor, etc.). You need a third party that is not bias to either of you and gives a healthy wholesome outlook. Any decent counselor can pick out your husband's faults and bring them to light and to share a cure for the roots that have taken hold in your husband's life.


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## moxy

Either he is already cheating or he plans to. Call his bluff. Leave him. And, be sure to tell him that the reason is his cheating and sex addiction. If you are willing to consider giving him another chance, I would say that you shouldn't do so until and unless he agrees to 1)change his ways demonstrably toward monogamny (or whatever works for you both), 2)seek individual counseling for this behavior, 3)commit to marriage counseling with you. I do think you should give him the ultimatum -- 100% change or divorce. Nothing short of a serious consequence will get him to even consider change and even then, he might not be willing to do so. 

You should also get tested for STDs, get an individual counselor yourself to help you deal with this difficult situation, and put a keylogger on his computer or a VAR in his car to see if he is actually going through this physically or just cybering with people. Once you see evidence for the extent of his behavior, it might be easier for you to make sense of how you want to proceed. Addictions are hard to break and this one is risky.


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## Love2326

Rene82, wow. Just... wow. This is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now! Here is my story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59667-stay-leave-him.html 

In sum, been with H for 3 years, got married on 9/1/12, on 9/13/12, I found his second cell phone. He sexted with women he met under "casual encounters" on craigslist. I opened Safari, he had posted HUNDREDS of yelp-type reviews of hookers on various sex forums. He had secret email addresses. He arranged meetings... 

It is absolutely DEVASTATING. I know exactly what you're going through and it sucks. You didn't do anything wrong, right!? You were the faithful wife, loving, trusting, supportive... 

Here's the thing: do NOT be naieve about this. My H was absolutely addicted to these sex websites and forums. He actually communicated with hookers and brought them into my home when I was at work. After I caught him, I exposed him to his family and his close friends, and his life blew up... bad (so did mine). I kicked him out of the house, along with everything he owned. He had no place to go except to his parents house. Our close family all knew. He was utterly humilated and scorned. He couldn't go to work. He hit rock bottom and he was so lost, he went to God becuase he had nothing else. Up until that point he was claiming he just "sexted" and emailed, and he never physically met with any of them. He said the internet/text stuff was a fantasy life and he "got off" on it. Well, that was BULLLLLSH*T. A week after finding the phone, he came clean and admitted to 5 other women when I was with him. 

He did cheat on me. Multiple times. I found out only 7 weeks ago, 2 weeks after our wedding. You're not going to like what i'm about to say, but he probably did cheat on you. He probably had sex with other women. Don't sweep this one away, you must deal with his head on. Closing your eyes will make your life and your marriage miserable. Let me warn you: you will go through hell and back with this one, so be prepared. 

Here's what you do (its called Tough Love): 1) Kick him out. Separate. Tell him you refuse to live with his behavior. Don't divorce him yet... make him think that your whole marriage can go down the drain for his actions. Make him realize you are serious. Call his bluff. Play your hand. You have no choice unless you want to live with this sex stuff forever. 2) tell him his bahavior is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE and you will NOT tolerate it. Set your boundaries. Be clear. Do not waiver on them. Tell him you REFUSE to have a husband who behaves this way. tell him you are no dummy and you know he has been cheating. Tell him he has to man up and tell his wife the truth because you are entitled to it. 3) Be on your own for a brief time to give him a chance to think about his unacceptable behavior. Let him go temporarily. Give yourself 8 days of silence. 8 days of ZERO communication with hiim. He will grovel. He will call you. He will text you. Don't respond. Be VERY VERY FIRM. This is a very difficult period. You will want to talk. DON'T. It's only 8 days (8 very looooong days), but you will live through it! 4) After your 8 days, tell him he MUST seek professional help. Why? Because you want him to. That's reason enough. His wife asked him to, he should do it. Be FIRM! Then you two should see a marriage counselor. Don't let him move back in until you're really really sure that his behavior has stopped. 

Here's the thing: your natural tendency is to dig. Investigate. Look at every email, every website, every cookie, etc. I did it. It drove me crazy. I found so much crap on him, I finally hit the roof. I couldn't take anymore information in, one night I just decided I had to stop or else I'd go nuts. I stopped digging and I realized "if he wants to get on the internet, he's gonna get on the internet. There are computers all over the world.. cell phones... at work. at home" Really Rene, you can't control him. Only he can control himself. If he thinks he will lose everything because of his behavior, maybe he will reconsider his behavior. But, he MUST come clean to you and admit his indiscretions. Warning: it will hurt. Bad. Be prepared.. save up some money and take some time off work because you won't be able to work for a good week or more. Message me if you need anything else. I'm going through it too... it definitely sucks!


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## moxy

Lots if good advice there, victim.

Treat this addiction like an addiction -- no tolerance, confirm that he's clean before letting him back in, total honesty. You may lose him. However, the alternative means you've list him anyway and the tough love at least gives you a chance.


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## forevermemorable

Victim789...GREAT response! I am terribly sorry you are going through this all, but your words are faithful and true. Have you left a door for the future of reconciliation?

I am going to check out your thread and reply accordingly.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

I can't believe I just read this. I feel like I could have written it myself. I seriously have felt so alone for so many years. I have put up with an insurmountable amount of crap from him. The funny, or pathetic part is that I had been going to marital and ind. counseling for the last 19months, and well so has he but still at this point the counselor talks about crap like, what are you going to do this weekend?, how are you finances?, and has never said to him, 'you know you're an alcoholic with sex issues' to him. I finally stopped going. I am so tired of everything. Im only 27. I seriously think my next step is divorce. I am so glad to have found you people. 
Just as the original poster said, I would find things and then I would get apologies, denials, etc. This has gone on for far too long. Nothing I say, threaten to do, nothing matters. After I got married I found out he had been calling sex lines the whole time we were dating, so then I kept digging and finding. In 2006, when I was in Iraq, I went on leave for two weeks, when I returned to Iraq my computer's history was filled with escort sites, searches for sex vacations, and for escorts in our home state and the state we were stationed at. He begged me to take him back, he said he was just curious, it was just that, and begged me to take him back. Later in 2006, he proposed....only to turn my life into a living hell. I don't want to to get to into detail because this post would get too long. But as you can see, our stories have similarities. I am tired of suffering in silence, and being treated like crap. I am going to write my story and post it to this site and see what people say.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

Rene82 said:


> The escort email date was when we were living together but not married. He claims he was just curious. Says he never went through with anything. Same with the craigslist ads for NSA fun.


That is the same exact thing my husband has ALWAYS said to me!! Isn't it convenient how they look and look, and call escort lines, and what not, but seem to have a change of heart when we get to the what happened with the prostitute part??

The more I read on this website the more I am learning. I have heard that curiosity thing for 6 yrs!!!


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## EleGirl

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> That is the same exact thing my husband has ALWAYS said to me!! Isn't it convenient how they look and look, and call escort lines, and what not, but seem to have a change of heart when we get to the what happened with the prostitute part??
> 
> The more I read on this website the more I am learning. I have heard that curiosity thing for 6 yrs!!!


So why are you still with him?


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

EleGirl said:


> So why are you still with him?


Well, at first I had no clue what was going on. I really couldn't even imagine what was happening behind my back. Then once he was caught, he apologized, said it would never happen again, couldn't really remember etc.....But then...it did happen again. I had not finished college and had no means of supporting myself, so I stayed. I then tried marital counseling and ind. counseling and that has taken the last year and a half....I am now finally at the position where I am aware of the games he is playing and that things are not going to change. Therapy was the last resort. I have also finished college during that time and am close to finding a job, and now if I were to leave him, I would be much better prepared than I was then.
I even attended a seminar with a lawyer,judge,mediator,etc and they advised everyone, that you must also be prepared to leave, you cant just kick yourself out into the street with no money no nothing just bc you are extremely angry. Its a process, just like divorce. and We have to be patient and prepared. I am finally prepared.


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## EleGirl

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> Well, at first I had no clue what was going on. I really couldn't even imagine what was happening behind my back. Then once he was caught, he apologized, said it would never happen again, couldn't really remember etc.....But then...it did happen again. I had not finished college and had no means of supporting myself, so I stayed. I then tried marital counseling and ind. counseling and that has taken the last year and a half....I am now finally at the position where I am aware of the games he is playing and that things are not going to change. Therapy was the last resort. I have also finished college during that time and am close to finding a job, and now if I were to leave him, I would be much better prepared than I was then.
> I even attended a seminar with a lawyer,judge,mediator,etc and they advised everyone, that you must also be prepared to leave, you cant just kick yourself out into the street with no money no nothing just bc you are extremely angry. Its a process, just like divorce. and We have to be patient and prepared. I am finally prepared.


Good, I'm glad that you are finally prepared. You were smart to take the time to get in a better possition to leave.

If he's been doing this, have you had an STD test?


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

EleGirl said:


> Good, I'm glad that you are finally prepared. You were smart to take the time to get in a better possition to leave.
> 
> If he's been doing this, have you had an STD test?


I don't want to turn the thread into something about me, since I am not the original poster, but to answer your questions Yes, I have, and am fine. But he refuses to do so. I think he's that stupid, He probably thinks that he really hasn't done anything and if he does get checked then he's confirming that everything he has done really is real.


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## Silverlining

I suggest you have the Mods move this to the coping with infidelity forum.


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## Two oceans

Found out last september that my H has been having casual sex and he admitted to doing it a few times last year . I was angry and upset but I thought maybe it's mid life crisis. Been married for 24 years. I thought about it long and hard and maybe we can work it out. I left our home two weeks ago for a much needed "time out". 

I remember seeing his yahoo mail and a name he uses. Lo and behold, I saw all the activities he has been posting to a group he belongs to. He has been on Internet porn sites, dating sites ..everything. He has been meeting "friends" for casual sex for at least the past 10 yrs. Who knows maybe more. I was and am still writhing with pain.

I sent him the sites that I found so he cannot lie anymore. He is in denial of his sex addiction. He knows that what he has done cost us the end of our marriage. Now Christmas holidays is around the corner. Our daughters are coming home. How on earth do I deal with this?


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## naga75

dang victim789...
12 days of marriage??
thats pretty rough. actually thats absolutely devastating i imagine.
RUN.


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## Omegaa

I have gone through exactly the same as you described in your OT.

But the difference is, I have concrete evidence regarding his playing away including a long-term mistress.


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## Omegaa

Two oceans said:


> Now Christmas holidays is around the corner. Our daughters are coming home. How on earth do I deal with this?


10 years is a long time. I could only track down going back 2008 as he bought a new computer so I have no info earlier than this.


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## Omegaa

southern wife said:


> First of all, stop rug sweeping. Do not allow this in your marriage. Remove the computer. Kick him out if he does not change his ways. He is looking to cheat!


I second that:smthumbup:


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## Omegaa

Victim789 said:


> Here's the thing: your natural tendency is to dig. Investigate. Look at every email, every website, every cookie, etc. I did it. It drove me crazy. I found so much crap on him, I finally hit the roof. I couldn't take anymore information in, one night I just decided I had to stop or else I'd go nuts. I stopped digging and I realized "if he wants to get on the internet, he's gonna get on the internet. There are computers all over the world.. cell phones... at work. at home" Really Rene, you can't control him. Only he can control himself. If he thinks he will lose everything because of his behavior, maybe he will reconsider his behavior. But, he MUST come clean to you and admit his indiscretions. Warning: it will hurt. Bad. Be prepared.. save up some money and take some time off work because you won't be able to work for a good week or more. Message me if you need anything else. I'm going through it too... it definitely sucks!


You have got exactly the same take on this (with mine).

I'm also going through this dark process. let's hope we come back to this site a few months down the line with renewed peace instead of going through the same agony.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

Omegaa said:


> 10 years is a long time. I could only track down going back 2008 as he bought a new computer so I have no info earlier than this.


I continue to follow this post because it's so alike what is going on with me. I recently ordered every single statement from the bank account from the moment it was opened, until he 'accidentally' closed it, after being caught up to no good again, of course. I am afraid of what I will find, he has no idea they are coming. I am thinking of waiting til Xmas, it's going to be a lot of info to review, but I know there's gotta be more than what I've discovered. I at least want to enjoy this last xmas in my home. :scratchhead:


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## aston

I find it interesting how most people are so quick to jump on the guy calling for his head. I'm sure if this was a female addict the tone will be different......especially from the female posters.
It's an addiction and has to be treated as such. He has a problem that requires expert attention.
Instead of telling you to kick him out etc, I would recommend you talk to him about getting help and understanding how this is affecting your relationship with him. Now if he does not get the help he needs then consider something more drastic. 
But please try to save your marriage by fully engaging him first. You have a relatively recent marriage......going the divorce route won't help solve anything.


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## Omegaa

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> I continue to follow this post because it's so alike what is going on with me. I recently ordered every single statement from the bank account from the moment it was opened, until he 'accidentally' closed it, after being caught up to no good again, of course.


Yes. This must be so common.
I know how painful it is to be confronted by these facts!!
Good luck! 

xx


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## j1013

I am going through exactly the same thing as well- found escort sites and forums, and he was just 'curious' and never did anything. Said he heard about the sites on a special on dateline lol! I must've missed that one hmmm. I wouldn't term him a sex addict but is an alcoholic. Wish I had some advice for you!


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## goodwife4

my hubby looked at pron sites when we first got internet 12 years ago, i caught him almost right away as he didnt know anything about history, cookies, etc... and he stopped it... and 5 years ago he had sex with a prostitute ?!
i only found out about 2 years ago when he confessed due to overwhelming guilt for 3 years........

recently i stumbled across some sex site cookis that had popped up when he downloaded a movie...... he said it wasnt him, and it was accident. i now have all passwords to all his stuff, and i check it regularly.....

i believe if they get away with looking at porn eventually they will go furthur, get some help for him now.

good luck


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## Depressed and dazed

Dear Rene 82
There is sound advice to be found in all these posts.- if you want to stay with him and 'work' through this. But all these posts are skewed toward just that- staying. There is an alternative of course and that is walking away from such a cheat and liar. Hard to do- but I am not sure if it is any harder than being involved in a cheaters 'recovery'. The emotional work women do in these situations is underestimated, as is the emotional burden of this 'work'. Depends I suppose if you want to co-own his issues........

I considered both, and because the marriage was so young when this surfaced for me- i decided to try to work it out. In retrospect, I was the one doing all the work. His behaviours simply went underground and became more secretive. I knew he was still lying to me, just did not have enough proof, as whenever I confronted him, he learnt better how to hide his tracks on the computer. 

But after one year of 'trying' and bloody hard work- I knew nothing had changed. His behavoiur was odd and alarms were still ringing. I set some things in place- and caught him' red handed' so to speak, in the massage parlour. Game, set and Match buddy.

I caught him on the Friday, planned my approach over the weekend and ended my marriage a few days later. I told him what I knew, where hed been and when- Gotcha!!! Deal breaker- done.

He knew the rules, the boundaries and the importance of fidelty, especially as our marriage was already on its knees as a result of his behaviour. No more chances, excuses and lies. Incidentally, amazingly, he is still trying to minimise the offense and tell me I am over reacting. That my mistrust of him and scrutiny is a large part of all his actions!! He does not accept responsibility, has never and will never. He, in his mind, is an innocent victim. Go figure!! He gets upset, angry and defensive if I question him and is hurt by mistrust!! He talks of trust- now really. But wha this reaction does of course is shut down your line of enquiry, your questions. your reasonable expectation of his accountability. That is ALL part of the ploy.

I will grieve, rage and cry- but in the long run- will be better off- physically, emotionally and spiritually. Life is short- do not waste it. Love to you xxx


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## whataboutthis?

Rene82 said:


> The advise that I am needing is about the angry reaction I received from him. I know what I found back in May. My issue is whether or not he is still doing it. I don't have any sound proof. Just the fact that he goes to these websites daily.



Rene,

Your evidence is similar to what I found with my H. My biggest regret is that I confronted him before I was able secure enough evidence to prove that he committed adultery versus his excuse of fantasy. That haunts me because I now have to make a decision without ever knowing the truth. To answer your question, anger is a red flag. Mine hit me with anger first. Anger is a gaslighting technique that throws you off the trail and shuts you down. Then came the blame shifting (my fault because I didn't trust him and was looking till I found something). Then came more gaslighting (my perspective, my hurts, my pain didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was was his story. Gaslighting mutes you and eliminates everything you are going through from the discussion). Trickle truth continued until I ran out of evidence. 

Please take the advice you are finding here. I think that if he hasn't cheated it's only a matter of time. Dealing with sexual addiction is different than dealing with a single affair. With sexual addiction it is a compulsion to cheat versus falling into infidelity (not that I'm excusing the latter). But sexual addiction is a will full intent to sleep with other women. If that's what you are dealing with you have three choices:

1. Kick him out. He has to hit rock bottom to realized what he's losing. Granted you have to be willing to lose him to do this because that is a possibility.

2. Say nothing more and gather evidence in stealth mode. When you find a trail don't confront him. Gather enough evidence to know for sure what you are dealing with. Install a keylogger, sms tracker, put a VAR in his car, etc...

3. You could ask him to go to sex addiction counseling.

I chose option One.

Best of luck to you


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## whataboutthis?

aston said:


> I find it interesting how most people are so quick to jump on the guy calling for his head. I'm sure if this was a female addict the tone will be different......especially from the female posters.
> It's an addiction and has to be treated as such. He has a problem that requires expert attention.
> Instead of telling you to kick him out etc, I would recommend you talk to him about getting help and understanding how this is affecting your relationship with him. Now if he does not get the help he needs then consider something more drastic.
> But please try to save your marriage by fully engaging him first. You have a relatively recent marriage......going the divorce route won't help solve anything.


You make some good points here but I'd like to add that in order for counseling to work he needs to be willing to go and be committed to change. That begins with truth and full transparency. 

I guess many of us on here do not see that. We see emotional warfare (gaslighting, blameshifting, trickle truth, etc...). That's why we seem so harsh I guess.


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