# Need Help (Erectile Disfunction?)



## rushellk (2 mo ago)

I'm glad to have found this forum. Hoping to find some help or suggestions here. Be prepared for a long story.  (I'll try not to make it TOO long.)

My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We have a 19 year old son and a 14 year old daughter (who has autism). We've gone through a TON of stuff with our kids. My oldest (the 19 year old) had lots of problems growing up (behavioral issues, severe ADHD, Anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder). He and his girlfriend had a baby this past February. My GRANDson! He's an answer to a decade-long prayer. But that's a story for another forum/another time.

So - to the sex issues. Due to all of the stress raising my son, and my own issues (ADD and Depression), I never wanted to have sex. Then we both (my husband and I) gained weight, and I just felt (and still feel) very unattractive. We would have sex maybe twice or three times a year. And it kind of broke my husband. He felt very unloved and unappreciated (which of course makes sense).

We've kind of been coming back together (intimately/sexually) for the past year or so. I've been trying to think more of him and less about myself. I've been VERY selfish for a long time. I was very much spoiled as a child by my parents. And I've been trying to be less self-centered.

Anyway, the problem is we really can't have intercourse. He likes oral sex (me doing him AND him doing me) very much, and for me it is okay. But I have to admit, I never get satisfied, and it is frustrating. I don't mind doing him, but with him doing me, it's like he's "waking me up" down there, but then leaves me yearning for completion. (I hope that makes sense - in other words, we get started but I can't finish.)

As long as I can remember, he's been quick to orgasm. He's the two-minute man. And sometimes (within the past couple of years), he won't even get hard before he ejaculates. Lately, he's the 30-second or less man. A lot of the time, it's difficult for him to get hard at all, unless I'm sucking him. (Can I say that? Sorry, my first time here. Please feel free to correct me on that.) If we do oral and then try to switch to vaginal, he almost immediately goes flaccid. The only intercourse we can have (when we actually can make it to that stage) is the cowgirl position. I feel like it's because of how I look (age 50, and at least 50 lbs overweight), and that turns him off.

He tells me he feels inadequate and insecure, due to what's happened in the past with our sexual experiences (or lack thereof). So it could be psychological ED. I don't know how to help with that. I show him that I am enjoying it (and I actually am), but I've gotten to where I don't even want to have intercourse sex because I know I will become frustrated because I'm not satisfied.

So I am content with just pleasing him. I think this is a good thing for me to feel, as I'm thinking more about him than I am myself (and therefore not as selfish as I usually am or used to be). But my husband also tells me that it turns him on to see me turned on. I can't really do that much of the time. Not only because I know I won't get satisfied, but as the mother of an austistic teenage girl, whom I also homeschool (or try to), and my son and his family living in our house, whom we are somewhat providing for, I've got a LOT on my mind. My husband somewhat understands that, but I understand that he needs intimacy and sex. I've gotten a LOT better at trying to please him and meet his needs. Unless something very important is going on, I never say No when he asks for sex.

So that's my story, pretty much. If anyone has any suggestions of what to do about the ED problem, please let me know. A couple more details though. First, my husband and I both watch porn, and we are aware of each other doing that. That's how I "get off" when I'm feeling frustrated/unsatisfied. I probably watch more than he does lately. I know it's a bad thing, but it is addictive. And it helps a LOT with my stress. I would LOVE for just my husband to satisfy me, but it's just not happening right now. And for the most part, I can't tell him that.
He also has been receiving testosterone shots for the past few years, hoping it will help with these problems (the ED, inability to get an erection, etc.). He takes vitamins/supplements, has tried Viagra (or something like that. But so far, nothing much has helped. I think it's because the problem is more psychological than physical.

Okay, that's all I think. Thanks in advance for any help or support you can provide. And no, we can't really afford special therapy or counseling. My husband would definitely not agree to that (both financially and because he does not believe it is helpful). Money issues have been pretty major in our lives, and he is often stressed about that. So I need suggestions/ideas for stuff that is free or doesn't cost a lot of money.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

When was the last time your husband had a checkup? That's the first place to start: if he is also overweight (or even if he isn't), there is a good chance he has diabetes, which can definitely create ED.

Who is prescribing the testosterone he's taking? Your husband needs to tell that doctor what's going on so his meds can be adjusted.

If there is no physical reason then therapy may be the only recourse.

ETA: Also, in the meantime, why can't your husband bring you to orgasm with a combination of mouth/hands/toys? I get being disappointed at the lack of PIV sex, but surely you two can figure out other ways.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

He needs a full check up. My romantic aspect slowly died, ED, plus other stuff. Found renal cancer and then low testosterone. Life in the romance department has returned. 

Contrary to what a lot of people say, sex for men is as much mental and emotional, as it is for women. Hormone imbalances and disease can impact it. Porn addiction can also be an issue. It depicts unrealistic aspects of sex and to be truthful, people are not supposed to be sexualized 24/7, which is what porn addiction does.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

rushellk said:


> .....My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We have a 19 year old son and a 14 year old daughter (who has autism). .....
> 
> So - to the sex issues. Due to all of the stress raising my son, and my own issues (ADD and Depression), *I never wanted to have sex.* *Then we both (my husband and I) gained weight, and I just felt (and still feel) very unattractive. We would have sex maybe twice or three times a year. And it kind of broke my husband. He felt very unloved and unappreciated* (which of course makes sense).
> 
> ...


A few thoughts.

Most couples who have known each other for a long time can non-verbally communicate. You and your H can read body language, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. So he probably knows what you think about him and how you feel about him. Calling him a 2-minute man or a 30-second man is a very derogatory thing to think or say. He probably knows that you think of him this way via non-verbal communication. He knows when you make love with him and are not satisfied. He knows you have no real desire to have sex with him, although you would like to. You need to start to change your attitudes about him and allow him to change his about himself as a sexual being.

ED can be mental, medical or some of both. In your case it may be part of a long term pattern that the two of you are now programmed into living out. I really wish both of you luck. You need to approach this both from a mental and medical perspective until you find something that you both can live with.

Having sex just a couple times a year is a clinical sex starved marriage. It is really a tall order to change it all by yourself with no outside help, which you seem to be ruling out.

First, you need to get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife and read it, as it will provide you with some options. Next you need to start thinking of you husband as a man you sexually desire. That will be hard and probably need months of affirmations on your part to change the way you think of him. 

As men age, they tend to need more stimulation to become aroused. 

Mayo Clinic article on Senior Sex From the article:



> *Senior sex: What changes as men get older?*
> Changes to your body or lifestyle can make you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable — especially when it comes to sex. You may notice changes such as:
> 
> Low sex drive
> ...


There is this thing called metabolic syndrome. It happens in overweight men. They gain lots of belly fat. That fat converts testosterone into estrogen, which destroys their testosterone level and libido. They also tend to loose muscle mass, get Type 2 diabetes and low vitamin D levels. The type 2 diabetes can cause both neuopathy or loss of nerve sensations, along with blood flow problems that both contribute to ED.

One of the problems with testosterone HRT is that the body has its own thermostat to determine if enough testosterone is in the blood stream. One of the problems I had was that when I was first on HRT, the initial dose raised my T level, then my glands started to produce less to maintain the old T level. This required a number of dosage adjustments over the first couple years to get the right T-level, which is higher than what insurance companies suggest or want to pay for. Eventually, I gave up on my health insurance company and found a doctor and compounding pharmacy to make up a topical Testosterone compound. It is actually less expensive than the health insurance company co-pay. 

You said that your H has tried Viagra and it didn't do much for him. Viagra does not cause spontaneous erections. Men need foreplay, even with viagra to have erections. Also men need to have sufficient nitric oxide in their blood stream for the viagra to work its magic. That is where diet or the right supplements can make a huge difference.

Since viagra didn't do the trick for your H, you might read the following:

Harvard Medical Review: Help for erectile dysfunction, when the pill isn't enough

If you want to try to change your definitions of sex and intimacy, then I would suggest Sensate Focus exercises as a way of gradually building sensual pleasure with each other and perhaps turning it into sexual pleasure. Cornell Univ Sensate Focus Exercises

Good luck.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Good advice here. I'm looking into testosterone replacement, not as treatment for libido or ED, but menopausal symptoms. I find it is not a simple matter and your husband and you need to have an extended heart to heart with the doctor.

Go to a urologist and get a full check out.

The psychological side plays a huge part so working with a sex therapist or other mental health professional may be a good idea. I know that I was sexually active while temporarily medically castrate and had no libido solely by being pushed by my mind and wife. When the arousal is not testosterone driven, the least distraction can instantly kill the erection. I found that just going from oral to positioning for vaginal was too distracting and like becoming aroused by thrusting across the top of a lubricated vulva where each thrust could be diverted to the vagina. The sensation of the labia on each side is incredible.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m not much on long replies so I’ll keep it simple. 

If he can get hard while you are sucking him off then his equipment is working. It’s a mental thing and that’s up to him to fix. You are doing your part to show enthusiasm already from the sound of it. 

You say he is a 30 second guy but enjoys seeing you enjoy yourself. If that’s true then he shouldn’t have any issues with finishing you off with a toy. That way the both of you are still together at the finish line instead of you having to go it alone with porn. If you haven’t tried any of today’s modern toys they are worth a look. 

I’m going to make one last suggestion but I know this one isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but I’ll throw it out there. I personally have no sexual disfunction but if I did and my wife still wanted that “get fuked by me feeling” I’d buy a strap-on and put it to her. Might not be the real thing but it is far better than nothing from my point of view.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

1st: What is his dosage of T? I was taking .5 ml 2x a week of 200mg/ml test. Cyphonate. Level was 1100-1200 where Dr. wanted it to be.

2nd: Check his estrogen levels. As said above, if one is overweight, the fat cells Aromatize the T into E. He may need an Aromatace Inhibitor(AI) for a time.
When hormones are out of whack it can affect sensation in the penis. When I had high E, I could not last long at all. Now the E is controlled and T is at 1100+ sex is 45 min to hour.

Lastly I believe with guys that had a withholding spouse for so long, they mentally shut down the part of their mind that sees their wife as a sexual being. It seems like it is a mental way that a man protects himself emotionally after being rejected by the person who was supposed to love him. So the pain seems to burn out that part of the brain to protect the person. Knowing you are not being satisfied, on top of all the resentment I am sure he has for the years you withheld physical affection has done a number on him. It may be a bridge too far

Yours is not the 1st case I have seen of this. One past case woman after kids just stopped all of it, after kids leave and she is older with hormone changes, she is hot to trot, but hubby is broke. After all the years he is now asexual and she is the one yearning for a sexual connection all the time. It is like she cut his legs off at the knees and now is upset he can't go on long hikes in the mountains with her.

One woman posted on forgivenwife com in article Sorrow of a Refusing Wife.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m not much on long replies so I’ll keep it simple.
> 
> If he can get hard while you are sucking him off then his equipment is working. It’s a mental thing and that’s up to him to fix. You are doing your part to show enthusiasm already from the sound of it.
> 
> ...


Yeah finish you off with a method that would do it. I think pornography is a kind of adultery which becomes addictive and doesn't help in the long run for either of you.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m going to make one last suggestion but I know this one isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but I’ll throw it out there. I personally have no sexual disfunction but if I did and my wife still wanted that “get fuked by me feeling” I’d buy a strap-on and put it to her. Might not be the real thing but it is far better than nothing from my point of view.


There is a report of one gent doing this at the advice of a lesbian friend. Apparently worked out well and he experienced multiple orgasms.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First continue working at it. You may want to speak with a sex therapist. One would think there are positions that would not make him come as quickly. Since he can get hard, he is not really impotent.


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## rushellk (2 mo ago)

Hello and thank you SO MUCH for your kind (and very truthful) words.



Young at Heart said:


> _Most couples who have known each other for a long time can non-verbally communicate. You and your H can read body language, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. So he probably knows what you think about him and how you feel about him. Calling him a 2-minute man or a 30-second man is a very derogatory thing to think or say. He probably knows that you think of him this way via non-verbal communication. He knows when you make love with him and are not satisfied. He knows you have no real desire to have sex with him, although you would like to. You need to start to change your attitudes about him and allow him to change his about himself as a sexual being._
> 
> This is a very good point, of which I am aware. I do not call him a 2-minute man directly to him. I never try to say things to belittle him or make him feel bad, although I have done this in the past (not necessarily about how long he lasts during sex, but other things), and I understand how it can make him feel, as we have talked about it. (Again, other things I've said and done, mostly during my son's younger years. I felt so alone during that time.) Anyway, I've learned a lot about love and especially respect, which I was severely lacking in giving him for a long time. We've gone through some major conflicts and are on the other side now. I think a big part of the problem is the way I was in the past, and I'm really trying to do better and treat him with more respect and kindness. But he is still hurt and feels inadequate, which I think is the biggest problem. I don't know how to get him to believe that I DO love him so much and that he makes me happy (in more ways than one.)  He's an AMAZING and WONDERFUL man. Many guys would just go elsewhere for satisfaction if they weren't getting what they needed from home. But my DH has been completely dedicated through it all. I'm truly blessed, and I do know that.
> 
> ...


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## rushellk (2 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m not much on long replies so I’ll keep it simple.
> 
> _If he can get hard while you are sucking him off then his equipment is working. It’s a mental thing and that’s up to him to fix. You are doing your part to show enthusiasm already from the sound of it._
> 
> ...


Again, just wanted to be clear - I do NOT tell HIM he is a 2-minute man, 30-second man, etc. (just wanted to make that fully clear)

You know we did try the strap-on thing. Unfortunately (and embarrassingly), we are both overweight due to health issues, so the strap-on doesn't fit.  Unless there is something else out there) And we have LOTS of toys. He's ordered quite a few from Adam and Eve. , some of which I use during my lone masturbation time.

Thank you so much for your help!
Rushell


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

rushellk said:


> He likes oral sex (me doing him AND him doing me) very much, and for me it is okay. But I have to admit, I never get satisfied, and it is frustrating. I don't mind doing him, but with him doing me, it's like he's "waking me up" down there, but then leaves me yearning for completion.


My question isnt about his ED and PE which IMO are both psychological. How is it that he cant finish you multiple times orally? He needs to improve his technique. Have him read “She Comes First”, and watch some experts (no not porn) like Nita someone “How to eat P***y”. And practice practice practice. Don’t do him until he has finished you with what he started.

Also, if you finish yourself, SHOW him how. Then have him try the same. Have him work on it until he gets results you want.


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