# 9 years later....



## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

First time poster, been browsing through a lot of the material looking for answers and still feel "lost"

Here is the brief run down.

Wife and I have been married 11 years, two years into it, she started having an affair. The affair lasted about 10 months and was basically like having two husbands. I was meeting her needs on the financial side, and he was meeting all her other needs. There was also a couple of one night stands thrown in the mix, that came out during counseling. 

I caught them in bed about 6 months prior to me actually getting "confirmation" that it was going on, I went into denial after I caught them. 

I travel a lot with my job, so it made for the best possible mixture for her. 

The problem is, I still have issues with it. I would have thought by now, it would have subsided. However it hasnt, some days are better then others. I just simply have been going through the motions of being "married". 

We have a 4 year old son and one on the way, and the first thing I did when I found out she was preganant was check my date book to see if I was in town. The first one was a fertility baby, so I was there the day it happened. The doctors told us we had an unexplained fertility issue, so immediatley my alarms went off. Forunantley, I was in town so that subsided. 

I have reached out to a counsler, to see what they have to tell me, and so far we are just in that "getting to know you phase" but it helps to get it out. 

I have never been able to get the image of them in bed together out of my head, and I often wonder if I am gone for work, what's going on. 

I dont want to have those feelings anymore, that's what I am hoping the counselor can help me with. 

It's been 9 years since it happened, and there isnt a day goes by that something doesnt trigger a memory or a thought of what happened. 

Everything on TV is about affairs and cheating, so I basically quit watching it. Hell, I have hard time watching football, without something coming up about it. 

I hate going through life feeling this way, she seemed remorseful about all of it, and do believe that, but she still watches all the shows about affairs, like Nashville, and Big Love and now has started reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books. 

She wants me to watch it with her, and I refuse. I usually get a remark like why not, it's entertaining. 

She is a stay at home mom, so I can usually keep track of her, but when I gone for work it's tough. That is when it will throw my senses into overdrive. 

Anyone else ever dealt with this type of thing, because I am completely lost. I feel like I was expected to make the marriage work and so I stuck it out.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

How you handled the affair is key. 10 months is a long time to have an affair. They Definitly bonded. 

Is OM totally out of the picture?

Did she get caught or flat out confess?

The problem is, if you swept under rug everything you most likely are faced with more cheating. 

She's a serial cheater and most likely there were more. Not saying there was but cheaters minimize everything so they won't hurt you more than they already have.

Edited: Oh, I read you caught them in bed. Which means she would have continued it for who knows how long. By the way, who was he?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Your last sentence is key, YOU were expected to make the marriage work??

No, she was at fault for the affair so SHE is expected to do the correct things after you caught them...did she?

I have to assume she blamed you??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Some people can't get over it and there is nothing wrong with that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

wheeler17 said:


> I would have thought by now, it would have subsided. However it hasnt, some days are better then others. I just simply have been going through the motions of being "married".
> 
> I have never been able to get the image of them in bed together out of my head, and I often wonder if I am gone for work, what's going on.


I think you're finding out the hard way that rug sweeping a serial cheater's A's, causes never ending regrets. 9 years and you still can't get past it - even though she hasn't cheated again (as for a you know). R's are difficult enough without dealing with this deadly combination of circumstances.

No sense in telling you what you should have done. There's no magic pill or advice to give you to make this diminish - if time hasn't improved things for you.

Just understand why you are still feeling like this; and know that not too many would blame you for changing your mind about R.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your in the marriage because you have been programmed that marriage should last forever.

Fact probably is, your still there over some obligation.

I am sure you still love her, but you will never view her the same again.

Most likely, you should have ended the marriage long ago, and now kids are in the picture, and things will be more complicated. 

Plus she is a sahm.

You made your situation worse.

Before bringing kids into the picture, you should of thought that your marriage doesn't feel right to you.

Now that your stuck here, your going to have to learn to cope.

I wouldn't be surprised if you decided to surveillance her.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

...and DNA the kids. That should help. Has she stopped? How do you know.


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> How you handled the affair is key. 10 months is a long time to have an affair. They Definitly bonded.
> 
> Is OM totally out of the picture?
> 
> ...



Yes, he has been out a long time, I made sure of it. 

She confessed, after I was told by a close friend what was going on. 

She continued for another 6 months after I caught them. I went into denial after that, and said no, she wouldnt do that to me.


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Your last sentence is key, YOU were expected to make the marriage work??
> 
> No, she was at fault for the affair so SHE is expected to do the correct things after you caught them...did she?
> 
> ...


She didnt change after I caught them, it wasnt until 6 months later that it finally ended, after a close friend called me.

She blamed it on my work, and the fact I wasnt around, her being alone, and needed someone. 

She was finishing her masters at the time and working, and that's where they meet was at work.


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Your in the marriage because you have been programmed that marriage should last forever.
> 
> Fact probably is, your still there over some obligation.
> 
> ...


I agree, I should have ended a long time ago, I had people screaming at me to let it go, but I didnt. 

I was raised that once you commit, dont turn back. I am a bit stubborn sometimes. 

The hope for me, was when we decided to have kids, that it would help ease the tension, I approached with the mindset, if we have kids, there's no way she would ever do that again. Well, that worked for a little while, but then all the feelings came back. 

Yes, I know I'm stuck, I am just trying to figure out how to deal with it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> First time poster, been browsing through a lot of the material looking for answers and still feel "lost"
> 
> Here is the brief run down.
> 
> ...


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

Q tip said:


> ...and DNA the kids. That should help. Has she stopped? How do you know.


Our son I know is ours, I was there the day it all happened at the fertility clinic.

The one on the way, I want to believe is mine, but there is that doubt hanging over me, and it eats at me, daily.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> She didnt change after I caught them, it wasnt until 6 months later that it finally ended, after a close friend called me.
> 
> She blamed it on my work, and the fact I wasnt around, her being alone, and needed someone.
> 
> She was finishing her masters at the time and working, and that's where they meet was at work.


I hope you did not accept the infidelity as something you caused. That was your W poor choice.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> Our son I know is ours, I was there the day it all happened at the fertility clinic.
> 
> The one on the way, I want to believe is mine, but there is that doubt hanging over me, and it eats at me, daily.


This is no way to live sir. Do you share you concerns with your W or suffer it alone?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

wheeler17 said:


> ...
> 
> She continued for another 6 months after I caught them. I went into denial after that, and said no, she wouldnt do that to me.


Can you explain this?

You catch your wife in bed with another man...

What did you do?
Did you talk about it?
She seriously had the gall to continue fawking him for another 6 months?
Your friends found out and told you?

Please explain what happened between you finding them in bed together and your wife finally ending her affair, 6 months later. What happened?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Yeah, I figured. That was your chance to end the marriage. No kids...

She had absolutely no respect for the marriage. You caught her in bed with him and she continued 6 months more and only stopped when a friend called you. She would have kept it up for God knows how long. 

So let's deal with the present time...you are in ruins because this happened so long ago, and she is just fine?!?!?


If you still don't trust her you can't keep going on like this. Thing is, she's holding all the cards since a divorce would cost you a lot of money. She gets child support and alimony. You get to see kids 50% of time while dolling out your cash and she's the one who cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> This is no way to live sir. Do you share you concerns with your W or suffer it alone?


No, I have wanted to, but everytime I do. I back out. 

I usually just bottle it up, and try and walk around it everyday. That's why I decided to seek professional help from a counsler. 

I agree, it's no way to live. I just dont know any other way.


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Yeah, I figured. That was your chance to end the marriage. No kids...
> 
> She had absolutely no respect for the marriage. You caught her in bed with him and she continued 6 months more and only stopped when a friend called you. She would have kept it up for God knows how long.
> 
> ...


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

tulsy said:


> Can you explain this?
> 
> You catch your wife in bed with another man...
> 
> ...



I drug him out of the bed by his hair all the way the out the front door. 

I left and drove the six hours back to my job, I came home to surprise her for our 2nd anniversary. I came home to take her to breakfast and then had to head back. Needless to say I was back at work at 8 the next morning. 

Yes, she continued until the following October, that's when a friend called, and said brotha, you got problems at home, which I knew I just went into denial about it. 

I didnt come home much between May and October, all we did was fight over the phone and she always made some excuse as to why she couldnt come see me.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Ok, my advice would be you need to sit her down and talk to her about how this is killing you inside. 

If she says it should not be brought up because it's in the past, you need to mention that divorce may be nessasary. Her response may be your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Ok, my advice would be you need to sit her down and talk to her about how this is killing you inside.
> 
> If she says it should not be brought up because it's in the past, you need to mention that divorce may be nessasary. Her response may be your answer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Is divorce really the answer? Does it change the fact that it happened? Will that burden be lifted off of my shoulders? 

That's the issue, I have no idea what the answer is, or what I am suppose to do.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Wheel,
So the A continued for 6 months after you found them in bed together? What finally made it stop? And there were ONSs during the A? She cheated on the man she was cheating on you with? The feelings you are having are the result of your trust being obliterated. Normally, in a sincere R, the WS, because of her deep remorse, says and does whatever is necessary for the BS to heal. This helps rebuild trust to some extent though it may never fully return. If your WW did none or very little of this, then most of her A was swept under the rug and not dealt with fully and head on. As a result, you are forever questioning her resolve to be with you and only you.

You must have had some sense of security during the years post A since you decided to make a family with this woman 5 years after the A happened. So what has changed? Or are you saying you had questions then and went ahead with kids anyway? In either event you have now added two additional lives to this mix.

Sometimes the mind movies last a long, long time but if after 9 years you are still affected by them enough to cause you to come here for help, I would say you never experienced the "rebuilding" that should have occurred during R.

At this point if your intent is to stay together and make the family work then your only choice is to talk to your wife and explain your feelings and your mistrust. If she is compassionate and understands then she will attempt to do whatever is necessary to bolster your trust. If not, then you will either have to learn to live with it or D and move on.

I know of no other way to turn your thinking around other than for your WW to put forth sufficient effort to help you get there and if she wants you to watch TV shows with her that cause you to trigger, I would strongly doubt she is going to put forth that effort.

She is probably telling you you need to "get over it" and move on. That is rugsweeping and it's real easy for her, not so much for you. Sadly the only way to help you is for her to see that and I fear she can/does not. Good luck to you

ETA: There was more information added as I was typing my response. I now believe that your most significant problem is confrontation. How can you expect your wife to know and or care how you're feeling if you don't express it to her. Even back then you drug the guy out by his hair and then left? It didn't warrant a day off of work to sort out the mess you were in? Sir, you are looking for some magic wand to wave over this and make it go away but that doesn't exist. You have to stand and face this head on if you are ever to conquer it.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Read and memorize Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011, by Athol,Kay.


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Read and memorize Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011, by Athol,Kay.



Oddly enough, I have browsed through it at Barnes and Noble, I just didnt pick it up.


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> Wheel,
> So the A continued for 6 months after you found them in bed together? What finally made it stop? And there were ONSs during the A? She cheated on the man she was cheating on you with? The feelings you are having are the result of your trust being obliterated. Normally, in a sincere R, the WS, because of her deep remorse, says and does whatever is necessary for the BS to heal. This helps rebuild trust to some extent though it may never fully return. If your WW did none or very little of this, then most of her A was swept under the rug and not dealt with fully and head on. As a result, you are forever questioning her resolve to be with you and only you.
> 
> You must have had some sense of security during the years post A since you decided to make a family with this woman 5 years after the A happened. So what has changed? Or are you saying you had questions then and went ahead with kids anyway? In either event you have now added two additional lives to this mix.
> ...



I have no issues with confrontation, however it's a fair assumption. The first two years of our marriage were ROUGH, we fought like cats and dogs. She was raised in a very confrontational home and brought that to our marriage, at this point of our relationship, I was done with the fighting, the only way to get her to back off, was to leave her standing there holding the bag. 

I wasnt raised that way, sure couples bicker and argue, its part of it and can be healthy if done in the right way. I am just not a fan of the screaming and yelling. It does no good. 

At that very moment in time, I was on the verge of rage, before I completely lost my cool, I pulled back and removed myself from the situation. Was it the right decision? I dont know but I felt at the time, it was the best option.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> No, I have wanted to, but everytime I do. I back out.
> 
> I usually just bottle it up, and try and walk around it everyday. That's why I decided to seek professional help from a counsler.
> 
> I agree, it's no way to live. I just dont know any other way.


Understood. You are in a quandary. Your W has not asked why you have started counseling? I would think you could use this as a means getting this issue out in the open. Perhaps you are not wanting to rock the boat as it were?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> Is divorce really the answer? Does it change the fact that it happened? Will that burden be lifted off of my shoulders?
> 
> That's the issue, I have no idea what the answer is, or what I am suppose to do.


D might be the one best answer. Understand this is eating you away inside. Slowly. You have said it takes time away from you son. Go away for work produces nothing but dread. Constant checking up on a less than remorseful W is bringing you down. You need to free yourself of that. 

It appears a lot of rug sweeping of the affair has gotten you to this position. You need to point blank tell your W how your reality is day to day. She either helps fix her screw up or you walk. She should be reassuring as much as possible. 

Realize other are like you. Years pass. The emotions still linger.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I know exactly how you feel. Its a shi..ty mind draining exercise. As someone who has been through a similiar situation i offer you this.

You have to make a choice on whether or not you can continue being in a relationship with her.

If being with her is still what you want than you have to take discreet measures to ensure this doesn't happen again.

Put a keylogger on any computers GPS her vehicle, and hide a Voice Activated Recorder in the bedroom, and in her car when you are away.

Thats about all you can do if you can't shake the distrust and dont want to seperate.

However if she is caught again you really do need to be prepared to walk and do a 180 on her when seperating.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

how are you attracted to this woman ? She killed you on the inside and you still wonder why you cannot move on ? You probably hate yourself for not leaving her when you had the chance to and now that you have two kids, you feel that you are entirely tied up with her for the rest of your life. 

When she got into an affair, she blamed you and your work. Why wasn't that a deal breaker ?

What exactly can she do to make you break up with her ?

Why should she change?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

9 years is a long time. I don't think I would expect anything to change. You acclimate, you carry on in misery, or you change climate. My view of people is that they mostly do not change. Sometimes that is good, sometimes it is just what you have to acknowledge. There are exceptions and maybe a few here. But what do you want to do now? There are usually good reasons to stay married, especially with young kids. But then I would advise you to find a way to do that without letting it eat you up. And the monitoring route is not that. There may be no peace to be made with this, but for your own sake and for those close to you, you should look at this in the way of how do I find peace.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> how are you attracted to this woman ? She killed you on the inside and you still wonder why you cannot move on ? You probably hate yourself for not leaving her when you had the chance to and now that you have two kids, you feel that you are entirely tied up with her for the rest of your life.
> 
> When she got into an affair, she blamed you and your work. Why wasn't that a deal breaker ?
> 
> ...


Amen brother!

OP, do you have self esteem issues?

That wh0re would have been tossed naked with her lover on my front lawn.

Caught them in YOUR BED?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Wheel,
My response is in reply to your asking what you can do to get past this. My original answer is still what I believe it will take. You must stand up and face this. You stated that you have no problem with confrontation and yet...



wheeler17 said:


> *No, I have wanted to, but everytime I do. I back out. *
> 
> *I usually just bottle it up, and try and walk around it everyday. *That's why I decided to seek professional help from a counsler.
> 
> I agree, it's no way to live. I just dont know any other way.





wheeler17 said:


> I drug him out of the bed by his hair all the way the out the front door.
> 
> I left and drove the six hours back to my job, I came home to surprise her for our 2nd anniversary. I came home to take her to breakfast and then had to head back. Needless to say I was back at work at 8 the next morning.
> 
> ...


The highlighted sections show the epitome of a non confrontational personality. Your WW needs to know where you STAND. She needs to know that you mistrust her and how badly it's eating you up.

You can go to a counselor if you like but they cannot make this go away, only you can. You stayed away for 6 months as your WW sought comfort and solace from another man and you think that is confrontational? You called it denial but you caught them in bed, if you're being honest, you knew what was what.

I am not trying to scorn or ridicule you but if you really want this to go away, as much as it can anyway, you must face it and deal with it. You even have doubts that the current pregnancy is your child. That's no way to live.

Again, you need to tell your WW exactly how you feel and what you need from her and you need to let her know in no uncertain terms that if anything like this happens again your marriage is over then and there. You asked, I answered. That's my 2 cents, take it or leave it. Best of luck to you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Denial is a form of avoiding conflict. The reason your wife kept cheating on you is because she sees you as a weak man. Her affair partner, comes into your territory and takes your woman. She probably lost a lot of respect for you. You probably don't have self-respect for yourself.

After you found out, you did nothing to her in return. You probably should have kicked her out. Now your finding your way of dealing with everything was wrong, and you have ruined your life to a certain extent. If you get at least a legal separation, and figure out what you want to do, you will have the time to do it. Alimony is not life long nowadays. If you get the separation or file for divorce, you can limit the damage done.

The longer you wait, the worse your situation becomes. Children are resiliant, and can cope at an earlier age. Plus getting the divorce or separation will help you find out if your wife has any love or respect for you. Your running out of time and your indecision can ruin more lives later. It is best for children for two healthy parents as role models. If you look at yourself, do you want your children to be like you. They will emulate behaviors seen, and not just talked about. Children are perceptive and can pick up on nuances It is how nature made them to learn.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Wheeler---what is it that you want, from us??????

----DO YOU LIKE MISERY?????????



You caught them in bed----and except for tossing him from the house---YOU DID NOTHING----most betrayed's when the catch the cheater red handed----BLOW THE PLACE APART-----you just went back to work, and denied your own eyes, for 6 more months!!!!!!!

I gotta tell you this is not gonna get better if you stay in the situation you are now in----as you get older it gets worse---and once you hit retirement---it will be there with you all the time, as you have no job to go to, and the kids leave the nest----all you are left with are your cheating wife, and your memories----AND A HE*L OF A LOT OF TIME TO THINK

Also your sub--conscious is having a field day, at your expense---once again I reiterate----WHAT LEVEL OF MISERY DO YOU WANT TO SUFFER THE REST OF YOUR LIFE????????


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You will not get over it by rugsweeping.

Take her with you to the counselor.

Did you expose to her family and all involved? Did you expose the OM to his family?

does not matter if it has been 9 years. You are still in pain and your emotions are flooding. 

Would she stick around if you had the A? 

Show her the pain that you are carrying.

she does not seem remorseful. Without remorse, the marriage is not worth it.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I sympathize with you. My husband swept his first affair under the rug. However this time, he is actually starting to make an effort to help me heal. I'm like you in that I don't want to divorce him. Our kids are 7 and 12 and I'm afraid of what it would cause. Also, I believe that every avenue should be exhausted before throwing in the towel. 

I don't have any advice, but I do want to say I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but you can paternity test the child after the baby is born. Your wife should certainly be understanding. 

Heck, you can even do it without her knowledge. Spend a few minutes on google looking at paternity tests. They can be done from the privacy of your home and are fast, easy and painless. It should cost around a hundred bucks. You can also buy kits in most drug stores, although you will likely end up spending about 20-dollars or so more that way.

This is no way to live and does not sound like a healthy way to raise your children.

Have you considered installing a keylogger on her PC or using a var in her car? You obviously still have doubts. Both are cheap and effective ways of gathering information.

Perhaps some additional information would help you in some way.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey Wheeler---what is it that you want, from us??????
> 
> ----DO YOU LIKE MISERY?????????
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You rugswept her affair, you enabled your wife who is an unremorseful and apparently compulsive cheater to continue until somebody finally made you confront it. 

Sorry man, but time for you to stop avoiding things. 

Make up your damn mind and stand the hell up for yourself. As far as I can tell, she is unremorseful and your marriage is a sham. 

Sit down and confront that truth and then make up your mind what you are going to do about it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You have been rug sweeping the whole mess for 9 years. That's a terrible way to live. 

Reconsider your "marriage." Notice I put that in quotations. You are not in a real marriage where the two people put each other before all others.

You were betrayed in the worst way (a violation of all definitions of marriage) and have chosen instead to stay in a "legal union" -- the State recognizes your union but it is no longer an unbroken vow, a sacred betrothal, a marriage.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

wheeler17 said:


> I drug him out of the bed by his hair all the way the out the front door.
> 
> I left and drove the six hours back to my job, I came home to surprise her for our 2nd anniversary. I came home to take her to breakfast and then had to head back. Needless to say I was back at work at 8 the next morning.
> 
> ...


That right there tells me she has neither regret or a conscious.

The thoughts and images will never fully go away. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

I hope you gain some good insight from counseling. Although it may not be enough.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

What you have is a "Stray At Home Mom". Nine years of living in anxiety is simply hell. Why did you stay this long in your marriage? You caught her in the act in your home and you simply rug swept her sexual infidelity. She carried on another 6 months; yet, no consequence from you. Either live with this scenario all your life or get out. You can live better than this. See an attorney and get over your misery.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello Wheeler and sorry to have you here. Here are my observations:


Your wife cheated on you and has not shown real remorse since then.

You have made conflicting statements: you caught her in bed with the POSOM v.s. she confessed (after a friend tipped you off). Let me simplify this for you so that it is clear in your mind from here on: YOU CAUGHT HER! SHE DID NOT CONFESS! SHE WAS A DISRESPECTFUL, LYING AND DECEITFUL CHEAT WHO FELT ENTITLED TO WHAT SHE DID!

You (like many of us) handled the confrontation, the cheating and the reconciliation completely wrong. Not your fault (you were not aware of TAM at the time too). Rug sweeping, marital history rewriting, blame shifting, gas lighting - you have been through it all with no real tools to cope. Heck, I am not even sure if even today you have the full truth.

Here is an important one: SHE HASN'T REALLY CHANGED. Because she has had no reason to. Which means that it could still happen or be happening.

A 10 month affair is not a one night stand (which would have been bad enough). It was a carefully planned series of events during which you were systematically and unashamedly lied to and deceived and during which a real relationship was formed between her and the POSOM while being extremely disrespectful to you and your marriage. The true character of such a woman capable of doing this and then when caught, not showing any remorse for it, is questionable to say the least. What kind of person (morally) was she when you met and decided to marry her (and potentially become the mother to your kids) ?

It is not unusual for you to be going through this after 9 years. You did not really resolve anything. She did no heavy lifting - there was no blood, sweat and tears - she did not really have to suffer consequences or feel any real remorse (other than feeling sorry for herself and about being caught). So you are still at square 1.

You (as others have pointed out) seem to be conflict averse (despite you saying otherwise). You caught her in bed with another man for God's sake. This is an image that not may can cope with and will be with you forever. That alone should not only have ended it but there should have been some severe repercussions for both. Instead, you gave them the ability to continue for 6 more months (as far as you know). And you did not have any kids and had a perfect chance to get away. Instead you tell us about how you were raised to "not quit" instead of accepting that you did not have what it took then to walk away (which is the truth if you are honest with yourself).

And finally, divorce and a calm and confident parent is much better for your son, than two parents who don't trust each other, don't actually love each other and are together because one needs financial support and the other is too scared to walk away.

OK, so what to do about it now.

Tell her exactly how you feel. 


Continue with counselling but do not expect too much from it unless the counsellor is experienced and well versed with infidelity.

Make sure that your wife understands that nothing was done from her side to repair this and do not entertain any excuses for that.

Make sure that, 9 years on, the two of you are not really reconciled. Own the fact that you did not stand up to her at the time and allowed for two kids to be born. Tell her about your insecurity about the second one and demand a DNA test.

Make sure she understands that no matter what she says, the cheating is completely her fault (and emphasise fault and do not accept the word "mistake"). While marital problems are probably down to both of you, the cheating was hers and hers alone.

Be honest with her and yourself: if you are not in love with her and prefer to be away from her - tell her.

And then settle your divorce terms and get the process started as amiably and inexpensively as possible.

If she truly wants to reconcile for the right reasons, she will do what is needed to assure you (bend over backwards) that she loves you, is truly remorseful, is completely transparent with you as to her communications, actions and whereabouts, and will allow you to vent as much as you need to. She will (in action not just words) help you with your triggers. Else let the divorce proceed.

My initial feeling is that you should walk away from this "marriage" - as I said at the start, she hasn't changed really and seems to be quite insensitive to your feelings and needs. Also, I believe that she could easily do this again, if she hasn't already.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Wheeler17
> Is divorce really the answer? Does it change the fact that it happened? Will that burden be lifted off of my shoulders?
> 
> *That's the issue, I have no idea what the answer is, or what I am supposed to do.*


The answer is that you and your wife get the right help and BOTH work at getting you a LOT better. Your wife needs to realize that you are deeply hurt because she preferred another man to you and you still think that you are second best and are still bothered a LOT!. She needs to show you in WORD and *DEED* as such as you need so that you can believe more that you are her number one man and there is no number two man in her mind or in life and the other hurts are diminished significantly.


You need to get a lot better at standing up for yourself and quit compromising because you are afraid. You need to get stronger in some areas and if you have a good IC he will tell you if you do not already know. You need to find out what you need from her and what she needs from you and the DO IT!!

*If one or both of you fail at the above then you had better go to work on ONLY YOU and find a way to keep putting her out of your life. This does not take NINE YEARS!!!* If this is the case and your wife is not going to do what it takes then you have to get yourself a lot stronger. 

Did she crap on you 9 years ago? YES, 
Did this weaken you? YES 
Who can make it better? You and your wife. 
What if your wife does not cooperate? Then you are the only one that can get yourself a lot better.


IOW. If you and your wife cannot get a LOT better then you are just going to have to get a lot tougher and get a stronger backbone and you have to get help and then it is ALL UP TO YOU! Then you will be in the animal kingdom and only the strong survive. You get to choose what you are going to do, you will be the quarterback and call the plays; no one is going to do that for you


*Welcome to the world of being a BS. You will either get stronger or you will be a door mat!*


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

NINE YEARS!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? This is has to be one of the worst cases of Beta that I've ever seen , here on TAM. If you won't stand up for yourself....who will do it for you?

First thing. Do not waste your money on Electronic spying devices. You are already Beta, don't make it worse by being a sneak. Then, learn how to be a good single parent, and also read that single parent kids are MUCH better off than kids raised in a bad, angry marriage. Divorce your trashy wife, and show your kids that you have a backbone, and that honor and integrity are good values to have. Sad to say, but your wife is a total douche, so you need to stop thinking of her, and only think of yourself and your kids. Get a lawyer, file the papers and get your finances sorted out. Time to man up.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

1) The top issue and biggest problem in your scenario is yourself. You tolerated cheating, you rugswept it and you have avoided the problem big time while things in life festered. Until you are willing to change yourself, nothing is going to get fixed. Your wife needed to be confronted on this a long time ago and you ducked it. Coming on here is one thing, what you are going to do action wise from here on out is another

2) It is disgusting and deplorable what your wife has done to you. The mind movies may never go away and you seem to be a good guy who deserves better. 

3) Her current actions are twofold. One she wants you to watch smut on tv with her which means one of three things 1) She's horny and wants this to be an precursor to sex 2) She knows the affairs from a long time ago bother you and she's taunting you or 3) It's an innocent thing to her but to you, it shows that her moral values have not improved since it seems like she is endorsing this behavior. Either way, your decision to not watch with her is probably a wise one. Her other action IS A LACK OF GUILT. Without guilt from her actions, there's no remorse. With no remorse, there is no correcting or even identifying the problem in her mind. One can't correct problems truthfully if they feel they've done nothing wrong (and be invested in the process of fixing things). So her cavalier attitude to you is really who she is

4) You got married to a person with problems, you locked your way into the relationship by having children (having kids never is a good option to 'fix' things) and now you will lose your arse if you leave.

So what would I suggest


1) VAR her car and the house, keylogger on the computer and set up an investigation. If you find she is still acting this way and cheating, based on the past and the fact she serial cheated for a while, I would end it (if it was up to me). 

2) If you find nothing, then you still have to show her that you were wronged and still hurt and SHE HAS TO FIX IT because she screwed up with her affairs. One of my friends did this by blowing off an anniversary. Another did this by simply making an occasional jabbing comment like for instance when she watches the shows that have smut, what would she say if you turned around and made a comment "I can't watch that show because it reminds me of what you did to me' or "watching your own biography ? " Now these options worked for these guys. They had to instill guilt in order to get remorse and correct current and future behavior. However, your non confrontational attitude would probably preclude you from doing these things and that emboldens her. 

3) Yes individual counseling can help but can also make you rugsweep more. You could do a 180 which would make her believe something is wrong and then drop 10 years of frustration on her in a highly charged talk. You could fix yourself but tell her you don't trust her and compartmentalize things for the rest of your life but at least it would offer you some protection while making her feel like an outsider in your life who has to earn their way back in.

These are just some passing thoughts


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> Our son I know is ours, I was there the day it all happened at the fertility clinic.
> 
> The one on the way, I want to believe is mine, but there is that doubt hanging over me, and it eats at me, daily.


Have the child DNA tested at birth. Best time anyway. Just ask them to. Best to know if your name is going to be on the birth certificate. The hospital will know what to do. That will ease your worry.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> Oddly enough, I have browsed through it at Barnes and Noble, I just didnt pick it up.


It would have alpha'd you up enough to know you can break up with her, date hotter, younger ladies who don't cheat. The book can improve you. Get it now.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Boy, this is a disaster, eh?

I hope you'll at least consider there is a chance existing that might be the best recourse.

Obviously, DNA test the child at birth, as mentioned. If this is not your child, consider that this might be the circumstance that calls for you to end things with this woman.

She treats you very coldly. No regard at all. It may be time to turn cold on her. Cold as in "I think I'd rather find someone better than you." 

If you really want to go sub-zero add in "younger and prettier".:ezpi_wink1:


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Q tip said:


> It would have alpha'd you up enough to know you can break up with her, date hotter, younger ladies who don't cheat. The book can improve you. Get it now.


 The book is god reading to be sure, but it also seems that you wanted to stay married for one reason or the other. I'd also suggest Chump Lady's Surviving Infidelity book as well as a way of lighting up the path you know you need to travel. 

Good for you for dragging that muh fuggah out by the hair....... Should have pissed on him too.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

wheeler17 said:


> It's been 9 years since it happened, and there isn't a day goes by that something doesn't trigger a memory or a thought of what happened.


Good Lesson to any here attempting a R...

Once an affair has been exposed and R is put on the table, there is a limited time period to explore, uncover, and unravel all the issues surrounding the affair. If you rug sweep the dirty and pretend all is good, be prepared for the 2 year fallout.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> NINE YEARS!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? This is has to be one of the worst cases of Beta that I've ever seen , here on TAM. If you won't stand up for yourself....who will do it for you?
> 
> First thing. *Do not waste your money on Electronic spying devices*. You are already Beta, don't make it worse by being a sneak. Then, learn how to be a good single parent, and also read that single parent kids are MUCH better off than kids raised in a bad, angry marriage. Divorce your trashy wife, and show your kids that you have a backbone, and that honor and integrity are good values to have. Sad to say, but your wife is a total douche, so you need to stop thinking of her, and only think of yourself and your kids. Get a lawyer, file the papers and get your finances sorted out. Time to man up.


This is one time I might have to agree with Rookie on this.
or the spying should of been done after dday years ago but not for 9 years, that is no way to live

yea 9 years of feeling like the other shoe is going to drop that just [email protected]

catch OM in bed with your wife and then continued for 6 months??? I thought my situation was bad but in comparison it seems tame.
we all have different deal breakers,, but man what is yours?

I would certainly DNA test the baby before you sign anything.

Has she been faithful in the last 9 years? that you know of.

did you have anyway to check on her to confirm in these 9 years?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry but you would have to be a masochist to remain with this woman. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have accepted such humiliation, disrespect and putting her health at risk for STD's like you have endured?

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you guys for all the help, it's been helpful to read all the different opinions and suggestions.

However, I did step up last night, and confronted her about it, at first she laughed about it and said, are you kidding, that's in the past. 

Once, she realized I was serious it started to change the conversation, needless to say I feel better about it, but it still sucks. 

Now, that I have gotten it out, it's like ok now what.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Good for you, a step out of your quagmire.

Remember that for her this has been no more than a lump under the rug for 9 years so laughing it off is expected initially. As you express to her the seriousness of its effect on you, her response will either help you heal or help you move on.

You need to make her understand that for you this is present day and still an open wound. She needs to see that this isn't going away without some serious effort on her part. You need to express to her that you need reassurances from her in order to move past this. If she is sincere, she will do whatever is necessary. If not, you will have to deal with things the way they are or make a tougher decision.

Good luck


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> at first she laughed about it and said, are you kidding, that's in the past.
> 
> .


Wtf? 

I'm living in a situation somewhat similar to yours but not like you. There is no remedy to your situation other than divorce. Get some counseling for yourself. You need help. I hate to think about how you might deal if your kid picks up bad habits like alcohol or drugs. Forget about everything else right now. Forget about your marriage, your wife, your kid. Just concentrate on becoming a man right now. You need to consider yourself a human who deserves love, respect, honesty. Please seek help friend.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> hello wheeler and sorry to have you here. Here are my observations:
> 
> 
> your wife cheated on you and has not shown real remorse since then.
> ...




this is an excellent analysis


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

wheeler17 said:


> Thank you guys for all the help, it's been helpful to read all the different opinions and suggestions.
> 
> However, I did step up last night, and confronted her about it, at first she laughed about it and said, are you kidding, that's in the past. *This is about a poor response as one could receive. She carpet swept and continues to carpet sweep. She apparently is not concerned with your well being mentally or physically. *
> 
> ...


Your W is going to rug sweep again. She has gotten on all these years yet you were left to harbor these feelings. Laughing at you has indicated it is all fun and games. Stand your ground. Get this cleared up in your minded. Don't let it eat away at you.

Let me be straight with you...your W finds infidelity enticing, engaging and fun. How did I come to this conclusion? She suffered zero consequences. She has little disregard for your feelings concerning the affair. She WATCHES shows and reads books on the subject. Your W wants you to make the popcorn for the forthcoming programs. It ain't healthy, sir.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Wow !!!

This is how I dont want to end up living the rest of my life... post h's affair!

Not long ago there was a man name Mr.JohnAdams, came back on the forum 30 yrs later, bc he still had issues!!!. Another women Granny, She's 75, and it still is haunting her... 

Infidelity is such a life changing event... it's unreal ...

~sammy


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> Wow !!!
> 
> This is how I dont want to end up living the rest of my life... post h's affair!
> 
> ...


Everyone will agree...what was once had is no longer. It is a game changer forever.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

1) Ask her why she did this ... again
2) Ask how her behavior has been for the last 7 years. ince she's so brazen, she may actually tell you ..
3) Then ask her why you shouldn't dump her for it ...
4) Then tell her she better find ways to make it up to you and be completely transparent. You want everything passwords etc....
5) Keep divorce on the table but bite your tongue on this until you get some answers
6) Man up and be prepared for divorce and consult an attorney


The reason I say all of this is for your closure, you have a right to know WTF for your own benefit

If she laughs again and shows no remorse now that you have let it out of the bag, then do a 180 and see how she reacts and dump papers on her

Good luck


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

The way this has been rug swept, I think there is a good chance there has been more cheating during these 9 years. You have to realise you only found out about it twice because you walked in the first time and the second time someone told you. So if no one tells you, you will never know.

I agree with Rookie. I don't think there is any point in snooping. She doesn't seem to care about what she has done. If she doesn't care, why would you think she hasn't done it again.

If on the other hand you still want to stay with her then you'll have to find out what has gone on these past 9 years. Just don't expect her to tell you the truth. The problem is that with you working away it is really easy for her to cheat on you without being found out.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

wheeler17 said:


> Thank you guys for all the help, it's been helpful to read all the different opinions and suggestions.
> 
> However, I did step up last night, and confronted her about it, at first she laughed about it and said, are you kidding, that's in the past.
> 
> ...


Wheeler here is a short thread with another husband dealing with something similar to your situation.

See if you can relate to his need to bring it out and deal with it.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61728-wife-cheated-years-ago-still-cant-get-over.html

I hope it all works out for you.
Take care!


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_I left and drove the six hours back to my job, I came home to surprise her for our 2nd anniversary. I came home to take her to breakfast and then had to head back._


Your wife cheated on you in your home and then you took her to breakfast?

Did I read that right?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

No, he came home early to take her for an anniversary breakfast when he caught her in bed (how horrible). He then dragged the POSOM out by his hair and then left instead of confronting his wife properly!!! The result: she continued the affair for another 6 months!!!!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Wheeler*
> Thank you guys for all the help, it's been helpful to read all the different opinions and suggestions.
> 
> However, I did step up last night, and confronted her about it, at first she laughed about it and said, are you kidding, that's in the past.
> ...



NOW WHAT!
You have been given a lot of post answers to NOW WHAT. Pick one!


Her is mine AGAIN but there are a lot others:




> The answer is that you and your wife get the right help and BOTH work at getting you a LOT better. Your wife needs to realize that you are deeply hurt because she preferred another man to you and you still think that you are second best and are still bothered a LOT!. She needs to show you in WORD and DEED as such as you need so that you can believe more that you are her number one man and there is no number two man in her mind or in life and the other hurts are diminished significantly.
> 
> You need to get a lot better at standing up for yourself and quit compromising because you are afraid. You need to get stronger in some areas and if you have a good IC he will tell you if you do not already know. You need to find out what you need from her and what she needs from you and the DO IT!!
> 
> ...




You are going to have to grow some Cajones and start acting on the advice that you think will be best for your situation. There are lots of help available if you think that we here at TAM are not the right ones. Get your AZZ in gear and do something; you have already wasted 9 years do not waste another 9 years. 

*You are not one of those guys that just keep asking for advice then do nothing are you?*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

wheeler17 said:


> However, I did step up last night, and confronted her about it, at first* she laughed about it and said, are you kidding, that's in the past*.
> 
> Once, she realized I was serious it started to change the conversation, needless to say I feel better about it, but it still sucks.
> 
> Now, that I have gotten it out, it's like ok now what.


She laughed about it?










So cheating on you is a laughing matter? That should show you just how little she respects you and the marriage. I don't know about anyone else, but betrayal is no laughing matter. She couldn't even take you seriously. I would be absolutely fracking furious if my fWW treated her affair so casually like yours did. 

Oh, and I hoped you burned that bed. Banging the OM in the marital bed is one of the very worst things you can do to a man. And how do you know she's not cheating on you now? 

You've rugswept yourself into a life of misery. That's why you've never healed. You're marriage has been a lie for years now.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Guys , hold your horses a bit on being angry on our OP ; we need to help him ; if he listens at the end great ; otherwise God helps those who help themselves...

Wheeler :

Is she depending on you financially ?
Do you own the house ?


YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT NO MATTER IF SHE CHEATED ON YOU AGAIN IN LAST 7 YEARS or NOT YOU HAVEN'T HEALED YET FROM OLD SCAR.

Now , if you really want to heal , you should do the following with no hesitation ; you will have an advantage as she depends on you financially.

-Stop her credit cards ; and give her only one limited prepaid card for emergency .

-Identify the things she loves and start limiting them .

-YOU make clear to her , that if she wants to step out of this house she has to inform you .

If she asks you why all this :

Simply tell her that , You are not healed yet ; and you are punishing her .

She will not accept the situation of course ; make it clear to her that it is a deal breaker .


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Where's the testosterone around here. You simply cannot beta her back in line.

Read MMSLP. She's broken, so focus on fixing yourself. Once you fix yourself, you'll see so very clearly just what you need to do and what you should have done.

EVERYTHING you've been taught about women is wrong. You need to read the book many many times. The book will seem wrong to you. NOPE, my friend, that's your indoctrination - you are wrong. The book is right.

Good news. It's never too late.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

wheeler17 said:


> . . . Wife and I have been married 11 years, two years into it, she started having an affair. The affair lasted about 10 months and was basically like having two husbands. I was meeting her needs on the financial side, and he was meeting all her other needs. There was also a couple of one night stands thrown in the mix, that came out during counseling.
> 
> I caught them in bed about 6 months prior to me actually getting "confirmation" that it was going on, I went into denial after I caught them . . .
> 
> ...





wheeler17 said:


> I agree, I should have ended a long time ago, I had people screaming at me to let it go, but I didnt.
> 
> I was raised that once you commit, dont turn back. I am a bit stubborn sometimes.
> 
> ...





wheeler17 said:


> Thank you guys for all the help, it's been helpful to read all the different opinions and suggestions.
> 
> However, I did step up last night, and confronted her about it, at first she laughed about it and said, are you kidding, that's in the past.
> 
> ...


Dear wheeler17,

Here's your life in a nutshell:

- Your wife cheated on you.

- Instead of dealing with it, you rug-swept it.

- Now you feel worse than ever and see no way out.

- You're seeing a counselor and even told your wife how unhappy your are but you still feel terrible.

- So you want to know, what do you do now?

The answer is that you do now what you should have done nine years ago:


you talk to her to get all the facts and details you feel you need in order to understand what she did and why she did it;
you confront her with how much she has hurt you and demand her to answer for what she did;
you tell her that you are not sure if you can continue to stay with her, given what she has done;
you start to rebuild your self-confidence, self-esteem and independence by working out, doing things just for you and spending more time with family and friends;
you observe her reaction to all this to determine if she is genuinely remorseful and prepared -- finally -- to help you heal;
if she is, you both go to IC and together to MC to try to repair your marriage; and
if she is not, you file for divorce and look for someone else, someone more worthy of your love and devotion.
 Or, you just continue to stew about it and feel miserable.

Your choice.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear wheeler17,
> 
> Here's your life in a nutshell:
> 
> ...


:iagree:

So well said and helpful!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I know divorce seems impossible because of young children but I think if you divorce with young children, it is easier on everyone in the long run. 

Don't waste your life wondering, angry, resentful.....there are thousands of women out there that will be good to you and your children. 

My parents divorced when I was nine. I have step siblings I love and a wonderful stepmother who did more for me than my own mother.....

I'm just saying, it's an option. 

Your wife is not interested in making you feel wanted, desired, better after her affair. She's not. 

It's not your fault. Not now and not then. 

You do have the power now to make decisions. You wife has been making the marriage decisions and it does not feel good when someone is taking all the reigns. You can make a plan and take control.

Make a list. Make a time-frame. 

I can tell you no matter how scary the future is, it feels good to take charge and take your life back. It's like a weight loss goal or smoking goal; once you get into it and see progress, your self esteem will return full force and you will wonder why you waited so long to turn your life around. 

It seems a daunting task but having the weight you are carrying now hang over your head forever is worse. 

Sometimes when it's gone, it just doesn't come back.


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you guys for all the advice, opinions and support. 

This has been probably one of the hardest things in my life, I believe I have ever dealt with. 

I have asked her for some space and time and she is being very resistant to that, which to her defense I understand. I kinda blindisded her with all of this. It's been very challenging for her, because she wants me to simply give her an answer. Well, as a lot of you know, it's not that simple. 

However, that doesnt change the fact that I need to work on me. I have realized that after reading through many of the posts and lot of them referring to that. I really need to work on that. 

I have sought out professional help, and am condsidering going to see a pyschologist. I believe that may help as well.

As far, as the outcome of my marriage. I simply do not know. If I cant fix myself, then I dont want to contine down the road that I am currently traveling. I have thought about the circumstances of losing what is most special to me and that's my children. 

I want them to know the person, that I use to be. I dont want them to see a guarded shell of man that I am now as they grow up. I dont want them always wonder, what's up with dad. 

I will check back in after a week or so and let you guys know of the progression. 

I again, want to thank you guys for listening to me and sharing your throughts and opinions, it's really been a tremendous help. 

Wheeler


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Zouz said:


> -Stop her credit cards ; and *give her only one limited prepaid card for emergency .*
> 
> -*Identify the things she loves and start limiting them .
> *
> ...


Lol. I'm assuming you don't live in Iraq OP, so I would consider ignoring that advice.

After 9 years, the time for these "type" of consequences has passed by.

Have a sit down discussion with her and let her know how you're feeling. Gauge her reaction. Judge her current remorse. Get into MC or IC if you think it might help. Then make a decision.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Wheeler
> 
> However, that doesnt change the fact that *I need to work on me.* I have realized that after reading through many of the posts and lot of them referring to that. I really need to work on that.
> 
> I have sought out professional help, and am condsidering going to see a pyschologist. I believe that may help as well


You have the right understanding and plan for you!!! Conrats!

Make sure that you take ACTIONS on all the good advise that you get. The best advise in the world will do no good without you taking action. We all want to see you get better; you do not want another 9 years like the last; no way to live!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good response OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wheeler17 (Nov 18, 2014)

update:

Well it's been a few weeks since I have been around. Things have progressed like I thought they might. I have been seeing the counselor every week, sometimes twice. It seems to be helping with trying to get past some of the old and looking towards the new.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and trying to deal with all of it, and finally it popped. My wife has tongue lashed me for the last time. I have been trying to work on getting myself headed the right direction. 

I took sometime time away from her at Thanksgiving, and just spent the whole week, reflecting on me and where it was all headed. I had hoped that while we were apart, she would have reached out to me, to see how I was doing. I never heard from her the entire time. I finally called on Thanksgiving day, and she was rather cold and I talked with my son for a little while, and that was it. 

It finally took having the counselor telling her to back off a little bit and give me sometime and space. Well by then the damage had been done, that went on for two weeks, and apparently she couldnt tell what affect it was having on me. 

Since that time, she has been better but I find myself not wanting to be around her and I usually just went into the other bedroom. 

Well last Sunday on my way back from a small family trip I took, she called me and started in on what I was doing was wrong and how it was affecting her and yada, yada, yada, and then she went some place that I felt was completely wrong. She took shots at my late father, telling me I hadnt dealt with that issue in my life either. I hung up the phone. 

Well now, it's Thursday and I have secured a place to reside for awhile, nothing fancy just a small apartment inside of a buddy's shop. It's quiet and comfortable. 

So, I thought that last night would have been harder then it was, but I felt myself relieved for some reason. I didnt get upset, blood pressure was normal. I put what few things I needed for awhile in my truck and drove away. I get there and I am sitting in the recliner pondering what I had just done, and I had literally zero anxiety about any of it. I laid down and passed smooth out and slept for about 7 hours, I hadnt slept that good in a month. I was concerned this morning that I should have felt something but I woke up and felt great. 

So, I guess you could say today is the first time in a very long time, I am not worried about my future. I started getting a little glimmer of hope again that I am not completely dead on the inside.

The saga continues. 

Wheeler


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Good news and I hope it gets better, but you will be on the roller coaster again. I had the same thing the day after I moved all my stuff to storage and handed over the keys to the realtor. I was the last one out and the day after we signed the papers to finalize the sale. It was amazing that night how different I felt. We were still talking at that time and she even noticed the sam and stressfree nature I had. She asked and I said I guess the stress had just finally melted away and I was in a better place. Since then I have had relapses, but it is better.

Keep moving on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sooo... due to fertility issues, the first kid was conceived via IUI/IVF, but this time around it just happened naturally...? This does happen w/ many couples, by the way, but still... it sort of raises an alarm or two.

Whatever you decide, make sure that you DNA the kid that's currently gestating within her.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

One foot in front of the other....Keep working on yourself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hang in there wheeler...

Keep coming here to vent, and please provide updates. We're all rooting for you


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Good news. Day at a time. 

If you don't work out, head over to a gym. Lose the weight and build muscle. It'll do you a world of good. Hit the weights seriously. In 3 or 4 months, you'll start seeing a wonderful transition. 

It will help a lot! Promise!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... due to fertility issues, the first kid was conceived via IUI/IVF, but this time around it just happened naturally...? This does happen w/ many couples, by the way, but still... it sort of raises an alarm or two.
> 
> Whatever you decide, make sure that you DNA the kid that's currently gestating within her.


The hospital can do the DNA test for you at the time of birth. Don't forget. You want the right names on that birth certificate.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

good luck, Wheeler


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Oh Wheeler, I am absolutely crying over your story. The pain you carried inside of you for nine years... The same pain I expressed within months of Dday, you carried for nine years. I cannot tell you how badly that breaks my heart for you. Your self protection in denial was wrong. The more loving thing to do for her would have been to allow her to feel the destruction of her actions sooner than later, but later is better than never. She blew up this family. Your unexpressed pain has eaten you from the inside out and what your heart and soul is looking for is emotional closure. It is very wise to seek emotional closure on this. I think separation to allow you to see that is a brilliant move and I am grateful you have found rest. Stay the course... you are on the right path whether it ends in divorce or not and do not absorb her abuse. Let her know up front when she chooses destructive means to manipulate you, you will be choosing to protect yourself from her. I'm cheering you on!!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

wheeler17 said:


> I drug him out of the bed by his hair all the way the out the front door.
> 
> I left and drove the six hours back to my job



well at least you passed the test that day with flying colors! can't think of a better way to have handled that....


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> well at least you passed the test that day with flying colors! can't think of a better way to have handled that....


With one exception... he should have had a head of hair in each hand at the same time and one of them should have been hers.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

wheeler:

you feel better because you took a significant step to resolve things once and for all. you then realized that you are not really 'stuck' after all, that you have quite a bit of control over your future, in fact. not that the divorce process won't be challenging but it is not an 'immovable object'

so yes I'm one of those that thinks you need to divorce her. just another one of those cases where in order to have a better marriage you need to marry a better person.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Your wife's compartmentalization of her affair, is a very effective mental protection mechanism for her. This probably is what made it easier for her to enter into an affair and made it easier to for her to store it away in the far recesses of her mind after it ended. Sadly you don't have this ability. You need a professional counselor, especially one that helps people traumatized by infidelity. Good luck.


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

wheeler,

I personally am not one to feel that time needs to be a factor for situations like this. We're all in different places when our proverbial crap hits the fan, and its certainly better late than never when it comes to action. Keep up the good work and know you're doing the right thing. Like nuclear mentioned, you feel better because you're making those significant steps for you.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

wheeler17 said:


> update: . . .
> 
> I took sometime time away from her at Thanksgiving, and just spent the whole week, reflecting on me and where it was all headed. I had hoped that while we were apart, she would have reached out to me, to see how I was doing. *I never heard from her the entire time. I finally called on Thanksgiving day, and she was rather cold* and I talked with my son for a little while, and that was it . . .
> 
> ...


wheeler17,

A few observations:

It's pretty obvious from the first excerpt above what your WW thinks of you and how concerned she is for her marriage -- not much and not much.

This explains your emotional reaction to moving out. While, in your head, you've held out hope that she still has some feelings for you, in your heart you've known for quite a while how little respect she has for you. Getting away from her felt good because your head and your are back in sync -- i.e., you are once again emotionally whole.

Based on this, your best course of action from here on out seems pretty clear.

Definitely DNA test the second child.


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