# What the HELL was I THINKING......



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So it happend I finally seen the EX best friend. And she is totally a biotch blowing me off and making it as if it were me WHY do people think that way what would make her even think that for a second this was my fauI lt and I was to crazy about it. so anyways evven after that seeing her and all. I went up to her gave her a hug poored my heart out telling her how much I missed her and she told me I went crazy I then agreed. I said something in the lines of wishing things were the same with us she was like a sister. She then told me IT WILL NEVER be the same I said why like HOW could I be so pathetic I feel like such a fool and all I want to do is bawl at what a idiot I am to put myself out there after what she did and then have it blow up in my face. man I am really really depressed at how stupid I am


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Look at it this way...
You took the high road. You are the good guy. YOu can look back on that moment in 20 years and feel that you tried. She did not. Head up - forward - don't look back.
onward.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Your right. But sometimes its the worst F*^&%$^ feeling to be the better person you know that. Sometimes I just want to scream out so loud and tell EVERYONE to F**@^$*( off especially my H. I dont know how I feel anymore about anything I dont know if I love him or why but I am SOOOOOOOO damn angry. SO angry


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Sorry this has happened to you. Hope it feels good to vent to someone, it's healthier than keeping it inside.

It feels bad because your wishes weren't fulfilled. ( You're very disappointed, actually, you sound pretty crushed. Rejection is a very tough road. Personally, I think everyone deserves forgiveness, but some people are just unable to give that, for whatever reason. The reasons may be weak or petty or _______ (insert word here,) which can make it all the more frustrating or infuriating. It's frustrating to be treated unfairly.

We remember the good times we have shared with people we have loved and trusted, which I think makes the rejection even more painful. Everyone loves that comfort. 

In my case, I agonized for a very long time over the rejection from my best friend of many years. I was not yet 20, but I remember it affecting me for some time. 

It's maddeningly true that you can't make people do something they don't want to. It's also true that we all suffer some tragedies in our lives, at least a few, anyway, it's just part of being a human being. Drama. Who needs the movies?

It's good you came to the forum to blow off some steam. You will need time to recover from this sad blow, so you must be good to yourself.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Thank you for your words! its been awhile and its been a up road battle for me I do really good but some days are still hard. Expecially when I see her a part of me wants to punch her face and the other wants to hug her. With my husband I have so much built anger with him that I shouldnt have its llike a part of me thinks ok I see what they were going through It could have been me BUT THEN I think no I would NEVEr kiss someone to jepordize my family. Yes I played strip poker drunk. I just hate that he did that I HATE what she tells people and I hate that he blames himself because it just make me look at him like a slime ball not like someone who is owning up to his part. YOU KNOW after I did the poker night I was devistated and he about divorced me over it then I find out he kisses my friend TWICe ALL in saving our marriage.?????????? I am a little scared of what to think right now and I just want to punch the wall maybe a few faces. I wish I could just leave but I love him. I HATE that i love him


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Okay, first of all, make no decisions when you are this distressed. I wasn't sure what was happening, but, correct me if I am wrong:

1. You drank too much and played strip poker.
2. He almost divorced you over it.
3. Then he kissed your friend, twice.
4. Your "friend" is telling people something about that?
5. He blames himself for kissing her?
6. You don't respect him for blaming himself? You want him to take responsibility in another way? What would that way be?

I'm sure you are pumped with adrenaline, right now. Leaving your husband is not necessarily the right ting to do, too often, peopole do that because their pride is wounded. Love does count for something and should not be apologized for.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Lyn said:


> Okay, first of all, make no decisions when you are this distressed. I wasn't sure what was happening, but, correct me if I am wrong:
> 
> 1. You drank too much and played strip poker.
> 
> ...


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

He probably kissed her for the same reason you went on to 'sexting' and having an inappropriate relationship with your coworker after the kissing incident. He never really got over the strip poker incident and was resentful and hurt so he struck out....then you struck out again. Viscous cycle.... 

He could ask how you could be doing that with your coworker after you were 'sooooo devastated' after the strip poker incident.

You guys aren't communicating still. Your striking back at each other. Did you ever go to counseling?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Yeah, you know the people who say that annoy me to no end and I have taken to telling them that it';s easy for them to say, they don;t KNOW whether or not they've been betrayed by their husband. Peggy Vaughn says that affairs are not unusual, what's unusual is that they are discovered.

When I discovered my husband's affair, I basically, withdrew for months and had nothing to do with anyone who would say judgmental things. It helped.

You wrote, "I dont know if we love each other I dodnt know what to think or what really happend. I think about it and I just get annoyed and want to cut something off if you know what I mean. I dunno it just sucks that you live your life happy and then 4 words can destroy it. And then you never fully look at that person the same again....."

This can change. It might help you to feel not so alone to read my blog, After His Affair, where I write about the emotional ups and downs. It's at Table of Contents/Posts « After His Affair

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Lyn said:


> Yeah, you know the people who say that annoy me to no end and I have taken to telling them that it';s easy for them to say, they don;t KNOW whether or not they've been betrayed by their husband. Peggy Vaughn says that affairs are not unusual, what's unusual is that they are discovered.
> 
> When I discovered my husband's affair, I basically, withdrew for months and had nothing to do with anyone who would say judgmental things. It helped.
> 
> ...






“What you’re saying is that you didn’t love me enough not to cheat.”

This was from one of your blog quotes seriously when I read this I started To CRY!
Your blogs are amazing and its so true the points you go through the Numb the anger depression. Ugh its hard your a amazing writer. I am glad you had that support around you. I feel that people around me are NOT supportive at all. and then you have the people who are ignorant and say that they wouldnt deal with what I have making me feel even more like crap ya know. Other then my mom she is the one who made me feel that this is just minor compaired to what it would or could have been. I dunno I just think that I am having a pitty party on some days like I am the only one in this world who has been betrayed and I have it the worst because it was my husband and Best friend at the time. Then HIS mother she was NOT a great person to talk to. I got the Hmmm. well if his dad did that to me he would be gone WTF what do you say to that? I hate peoples comments like they are perfect. And then they all look at you like I dont think that he really loves her people who love each other dont do that. Then you get caught in thinking its NOT love its HELL.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

TNgirl232 said:


> He probably kissed her for the same reason you went on to 'sexting' and having an inappropriate relationship with your coworker after the kissing incident. He never really got over the strip poker incident and was resentful and hurt so he struck out....then you struck out again. Viscous cycle....
> 
> He could ask how you could be doing that with your coworker after you were 'sooooo devastated' after the strip poker incident.
> 
> You guys aren't communicating still. Your striking back at each other. Did you ever go to counseling?





Your right it was all in me going back at him. And the more that I talked with the Co. Worker the more I grew feelings for my H. It was awful. but then it felt good to know that someone liked me to clarify that I am not this throw away girl like he treated me. We did go to couseling and it was ok seriously at one point it was just me and the couselor he tells me you know you are a good looking girl if you are not happy leave. GREAT COUNSELING huh! its been a up and down ride with my husband and I have to figure it out and I dont know how? I am so used to people doing things like that for me getting opinions and there words effecting my choice. I cant just follow my own head or heart???? I guess I am just one hot mess!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Thanks for your kindness. I needed to get it out.

Your mom may be right, saying it's a minor thing compared to others, but the pain you are feeling sounds as though it is very deep and you sound frustrated with a number of things.


Re: the pity party. It is damned okay to feel bad. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. So you feel bad, not a problem, it only becomes a problem when you_ live_ in that place and don;t progress. It's definitely 2 steps forward, one back, but some days you feel like it's the same day over and over. That is the nature of grief.


No, you are not the only one, however, that does not mean that your pain is any less than anyone else's. You do matter and you should matter, especially to yourself, since you are the one behind the wheel. I would suggest you not beat yourself while you are navigating this awful path.

You wrote, " I got the Hmmm. well if his dad did that to me he would be gone WTF what do you say to that?" 

I say, "How do you know he hasn't?" since most infidelities are undiscovered by the spouse. It shuts people up.

People do stupid things even though they love their wives. The key is making your marriage strong enough to withstand temptations. Some people who love each other don;t cheat. I decided right away, with similar reactions from a sister and a friend that I would only tell people whom I knew to be kind and could be supportive of me and nonjudgmental.

I'd say you need a different counselor. Have you checked out DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center This site helped me tremendously.

Best,

Lyn


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> I have to figure it out and I dont know how? I am so used to people doing things like that for me getting opinions and there words effecting my choice. I cant just follow my own head or heart???? I guess I am just one hot mess!


First, you have to breathe deeply and get a hold of yourself. I used to take long, brisk walks, alone which helped me burn off some of that negative energy, so do something like that. 

#2. FDorget people's opinions, they just pile on and confuse you. Find a different counselor or join a Beyond Affairs Network group in your area.

You need to follow both your own head and heart. You need to shut out all of the noise around you, get calm and rational and then work it out with help.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Lyn said:


> Thanks for your kindness. I needed to get it out.
> 
> Your mom may be right, saying it's a minor thing compared to others, but the pain you are feeling sounds as though it is very deep and you sound frustrated with a number of things.
> 
> ...


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Interesting about the MIL/FIL/GF. 

I'd pull back from them and be careful who I talked to.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I know I am more careful I just hate people who want to see you fail! thats how she is. personally she can kiss it cause I dont really believe that her marriage is all that perfect!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

No one's marriage is really perfect. We thought ours was awesome and everyone else thought ours was unusually good, and we still had an affair happen to us. No one is immune and people have to prepare for assaults on their marriage.

Now, he listens to me when I tell him someone is flirting with him. He never believed me, before.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Man this is so horrible to hear. I mean seriously it happends to the best of marriages and of course the worst  I am sorry to hear that this happend to you really I am. I dont know sometimes when I am on facebook and I see her and pics of her with all our olds friends things like that it reallllllly pisses me off to see happiness and then I think huh does she really give two ****s what I am up to or doing NO why should I care what she is doing! she has obviously moved on and I tried to connect and play nice and got NOTHING so its obvious what I should do. and not dwell on it! I just hate that he did what he did and hate who it was with!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I totally hear you, have had a bad week, myself. I hate it, I hate what happened and her? I don't even want to think about her. 

I put up a new blog entry, today, touches on this.

I have blocked everyone on Facebook who might pollute my page should I go there, including her and anyone connected with her who was connected to my husband. Who needs it?

When I was younger, I couldn't let go of slights, let alone something like this and I wish I had learned to do it, then. People who don't treat you with respect don't deserve the loyalty of your friendship. Period.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree. Its like I want SO soooooooooo bad to hate her but then I also miss her. and then I start being cold to my husband cause of all this. I feel more hurt by her then him well somedays. WEIRD I know and I dont know why. Maybe its cause she knew all of me more then I would tell my husband. and she helped me she balanced me out. You know how men can be they try but sometimes dont get how we think lol. Its hard but I have to remind myself non of that was real  I want so bad to have that friend in my life I need a friend and it sucks cause I have tons but then I feel SO alone.........


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> I agree. Its like I want SO soooooooooo bad to hate her but then I also miss her. and then I start being cold to my husband cause of all this. I feel more hurt by her then him well somedays. WEIRD I know and I dont know why. Maybe its cause she knew all of me more then I would tell my husband. and she helped me she balanced me out. You know how men can be they try but sometimes dont get how we think lol. Its hard but I have to remind myself non of that was real  I want so bad to have that friend in my life I need a friend and it sucks cause I have tons but then I feel SO alone.........


I don't think you can hate her b/c of your feelings of wanting her in your life. We want to hate b/c it makes it easier for us to deal with the loss. If you can accept the fact that you are just plain old going to miss her even though she kissed you husband (!!!!!) that will help you to think a bit straighter. She betrayed you with your husband and is betraying you, now. She does not value you the way she should. Time for new and better, loyal friends.

best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ohhh I hate reading people when they make so much SENSE. I know what you are saying and its way Easy to hate someone then to see the reality. I do miss her and I dont hate her but she killed the trust in me with her and made me see that she really didnt care about our friendship with her actions AFTER. well and during I think that kills me to, To think that maybe my husband didnt love me enouph to do that in the first place  its horrific to think that and for others to see that?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> Ohhh I hate reading people when they make so much SENSE. I know what you are saying and its way Easy to hate someone then to see the reality. I do miss her and I dont hate her but she killed the trust in me with her and made me see that she really didnt care about our friendship with her actions AFTER. well and during I think that kills me to, To think that maybe my husband didnt love me enouph to do that in the first place  its horrific to think that and for others to see that?


About the "loving enough" thing. I did lots of reading and research and the experts say that an affair doesn't have anything to do with love, it's more about opportunity and, in my opinion, if there was any alcohol involved? Compund the opportunity X alcohol X if he had another motivation, like anger at you for doing something which hurt him. Ppl have said to me, 

"If that had happened to me..." and then tell me how they would exact revenge. It's instinct to retaliate when hurt, and *that is part of the problem*! Personally, I am slow to react, because I tend to analyze things into confettti, however, still was hurt, still was angry, still wanted to wring his neck.

So, although I said that to my husband, it's not really the case. You ought to check out Peggy Vaughn's site, if you haven't, already. Her books have helped us an awful lot. She's at DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya your right cause he said he did it with her because he knew she would? he was saying that he did it to figure out our marriage. and she said she did it to help a friend whatever. but I dont think I will ever truely know the real reason be lust. attraction. or curious. dont know but it hurt. Alcohol is BAD BAD BAD people say its not a excuse but its a drug and you dont think right and do things you wouldnt sober. PERIOD. I will check her site to! BTW your awesome and great to talk to!!!!!!!!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> Ya your right cause he said he did it with her because he knew she would? he was saying that he did it to figure out our marriage. and she said she did it to help a friend whatever. but I dont think I will ever truely know the real reason be lust. attraction. or curious. dont know but it hurt. Alcohol is BAD BAD BAD people say its not a excuse but its a drug and you dont think right and do things you wouldnt sober. PERIOD. I will check her site to! BTW your awesome and great to talk to!!!!!!!!


Thanks so much. Just want to offer the same kind of support I got when I needed it most.

Rights, alcohol is not excuse, but it is a _reason_, which is different. Alcohol made it easier and gives confidence.

He did it becasue he knew she didn't have the character to say no when he wanted to "figure out your marriage." How lame can he be? She did it to help him? Come on, they aren't even _trying_ to come up with a good excuse. If those things are true, then they are both short in the logic department or were very drunk.

The real reason? Because the alcohol (hopefully) impaired their logic and judgment, he was confused and she is ignorant of what it means to be a friend. I'd be quite insulted and disgusted that she thinks I was/am that checked out to believe that line, or any other she has to offer.

Being angry has positive benefits, sometimes, and one of those is empowerment. Getting angry with ppl's nonsense can really help you to understand how much value you have as a human being, a woman, a wife. People will respect you ab out as much as you respect yourself and they will treat you only as bad as you let them. 

Hope your marriage does settle down and work out!

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Lyn said:


> Thanks so much. Just want to offer the same kind of support I got when I needed it most.
> 
> Rights, alcohol is not excuse, but it is a _reason_, which is different. Alcohol made it easier and gives confidence.
> 
> ...


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

HAHA I love it! ya you had no idea how dumb founded I was to hear all this? I think he did it in revenge anger a ego boost alot of things but me HA ya I was the last thing in this. Her she is just a **** mean so mean to say but really think about it. who does that Men think well sorta women when they cheat they really are more thinkers instead of jumpers thats why men usually leave a women cause women dont usually do something unless they have feeling in it men pasha not so much. not to stearo type but you get me? 

My husband says ego is a huge part of it. It's not exactly mean to say what's true about a woman you confided in who took advantage of a situation and got alone with your husband and "let" him kiss her. *Sounds to me like she manipulated the situation to her advantage.* Like you said, who does that??

It's not a stereotype about women's affairs being more serious than men's. I have read that men usually leave a cheating wife because of that. 

All marriages have moments and discontent, at times, but it's not always serious, you just have to be patient.

Your BFF took advantage of the information you gave her. She is untrustworthy and not worthy of being called a friend.

BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER, B/C SHE HAS PROVEN SHE CAN'T BE TRUSTED AROUND YOUR HUSBAND.


Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Sad isnt it  I loved her seriously she was my lifetime. I miss her and hate her lol I know! but you are lucky to not know the OW it brings nothing but hell cause you cant leave your past in the past its always present for me.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You are right, I am lucky I don't know her, but it is easy enough to be reminded of her psychopathic carcass and I still fantasize about my friend holding her down while I shave bald a big stripe across her head.

Concentrate on building friendship and honesty in your marriage, understanding that attractions occur for everyone given the opportunity. Being prepared for them is the key.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Lyn said:


> You are right, I am lucky I don't know her, but it is easy enough to be reminded of her psychopathic carcass and I still fantasize about my friend holding her down while I shave bald a big stripe across her head.
> 
> Concentrate on building friendship and honesty in your marriage, understanding that attractions occur for everyone given the opportunity. Being prepared for them is the key.
> 
> ...





HAHA thats awesome! I know I would love grab her and shave her bald or something crazy! that would be sweet! but you sound like a good women! he is lucky to have you and that you stuck with him.. 

I think its hard to come to realize that your husband can be attracted to other women! its like when you get married or you are in a relationship you want to think that he only has eyes for you. HA ya right. life it never ment to be easy and we are all human. I messed up to! but I really like talking with you and your a great help! I loved your blogs they are so truthfull and real also suprisingly level headed unlike I was. you are way more together then ME!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> HAHA thats awesome! I know I would love grab her and shave her bald or something crazy! that would be sweet! but you sound like a good women! he is lucky to have you and that you stuck with him..
> 
> I think its hard to come to realize that your husband can be attracted to other women! its like when you get married or you are in a relationship you want to think that he only has eyes for you. HA ya right. life it never ment to be easy and we are all human. I messed up to! but I really like talking with you and your a great help! I loved your blogs they are so truthfull and real also suprisingly level headed unlike I was. you are way more together then ME!


Thanks so much....it's because I am almost older than dirt. I have had my...errors in judgment, shall we say? I too, have wondered what the hell I was thinking...more than once. It took me a while to figure out love. 

Well, certainly, it does feel a little odd...I admitted to him that I feel an attraction for someone because we committed to being honest with one another about these kinds of things to keep them from becoming problems, so, there may be an attraction, BUT...attractions don't need to be (nor should they be, in my opinion) acted upon. Communicate with love and the health of your relationship in mind. There will be times when you realize that your love is changing, growing, deepening, stalling, frustrating, but that's love. 


Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree! I think that the biggest problem with my husband and how this all happend well for 1 was cause of what I did and secondly he doesnt express his feelings to me so whatever he felt inside stayed inside until it all came out in the wrong way  but I think that the best people to talk to in situations like this are people like you! you may be "Old as dirt" but with age come the wiser people who have been there and done that!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> I agree! I think that the biggest problem with my husband and how this all happend well for 1 was cause of what I did and secondly he doesnt express his feelings to me so whatever he felt inside stayed inside until it all came out in the wrong way  but I think that the best people to talk to in situations like this are people like you! you may be "Old as dirt" but with age come the wiser people who have been there and done that!


That's true. The reason we know so much is that if we haven;t made the mistake ourselves, we've seen it happen, elsewhere!

Maybe you can find some kind of workshop or counselling where you can learn to communicate better. 


Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Great Idea! you know what I miss the most. Is having a best friend having that person to talk with and tell everything to and be me with and not be judged.  I dont get that with my husband.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> Great Idea! you know what I miss the most. Is having a best friend having that person to talk with and tell everything to and be me with and not be judged.  I dont get that with my husband.


Nothing wrong with that. He can't meet all of your needs. I'd make friends with someone outside that circle, someone who isn't in contact with him, but that's me.

Best,

Lyn


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya so true! BTW is that your tattoo???


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Yes.

BTW, today, found 2 "friends" dissing me behind my back...they got caught and have spent a good part of the day making excuses for it. 

Feels damn bad, but...they weren't the best of my friends and now they no longer are my friends.


L.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

talking what about you? just your marriage or you? I hate that but man do I love the bust on people like that it just makes them look like idiots. Also just remember when people talk like that on you its just cause they are low and trying to make themselfs feel better.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> talking what about you? just your marriage or you? I hate that but man do I love the bust on people like that it just makes them look like idiots. Also just remember when people talk like that on you its just cause they are low and trying to make themselfs feel better.


Obviously true. 

A remark was made about me.that I wasn't supposed to know about...other remarks had been bouncing around in previous weeks, but this was flat out. I was going to be spending part of my vacation with this group, but I've decided to do something else. To be honest, the last couple of weeks have been hard with the affair recovery and I have been losing interest in going away on vacation. I'd kinda rather just stay home, the two of us and...forget about everything else. I haven't been feeling well, so travel may not be in my future, anyway, this summer.

I just remembered a B&B we saw on a lake last week that would be awesome. It's not very far and I could get a nice rest!

L.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree I think screw them and right now it would be best to focus on the two of you without people putting in their two cents! you guys dont need that poison anyways! I am sorry I hope you get feeling better. Its hard to learn who your friends are it can brreak your heart sometimes..


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

sunflower said:


> I agree I think screw them and right now it would be best to focus on the two of you without people putting in their two cents! you guys dont need that poison anyways! I am sorry I hope you get feeling better. Its hard to learn who your friends are it can brreak your heart sometimes..



I think it's always hard and painful to learn who true friends are. It doesn't feel good. but the truth is...it was probably a waste of energy on my part. I feel much better having slammed that door.

L.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Good for you! I need to learn to do the same. we had some really good long term friends. and the one women I was friends with sorta turned her back on me and became friends with the ex BF! "Best Friend" it was pretty hard cause they were always rude about her and I was the one that was always nice with her and she did that? So not only with all this did I lose my friends but kinda got my pride shatterd lol. Its ok though you dont need people like that in your life its only bad for you and also its fake who knows what they would be saying once you turned your back?


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