# New here, advice needed



## jupiter2007 (Aug 28, 2008)

Hello,

I stumbled onto this website and everyone seems to offer some good advice, so I was hoping that maybe someone would be able to offer some to me.

I have been married for 2 years, we have an 18 month old son. 

When we first started dating, we had been best friends for a while. He pursued me, fought for me and when I finally realized that I had feelings for him too, it was like floodgates opening. But not too long after, I felt like he stopped fighting for me because he got me. 

The majority of our problems started when he started a new job. At his new job, he has to get up at 4:30 am and be at work from 6-3:30. He works very hard, manual labor. I understand that he is exhausted and I appreciate everything he does for us. 

I am a stay at home mother. I had been taking care of another child in our home for the past year, but she is now going to preschool.

Now, here's the issue that I'm having lately. I don't feel appreciated for the hard work that I do. There are times that he has said to me that he doesn't feel appreciated. I constantly make sure to thank him for his hard work, thank him on the rare occasion that he does something around the house like take the trash out, cook or do the dishes. Yet I haven't heard the words thank you out of his mouth in ages. 

This morning for example, he has been working a different shift the past two weeks (11 am - 8:30 pm) and has been sleeping until 9, getting up, getting ready and then I drive him to work (he doesn't have his license right now). Since he hasn't been around to see his son in the evening, he said the other day that he would try get up with him yesterday (wednesday) and let me sleep in a bit because I was exhausted. 

I was ecstatic that I would get to sleep in a little bit. But it didn't happen, he decided not to and woke me up when the baby woke him up. When I was upset, he didn't apologize or thank me for getting up with him instead, he just said "I said that I would TRY".

Then today, he still didn't get up with our son. I got up, then I cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom. None of which got a thank you (even though he feels like he should be awarded a gold medal when he cleans something). Nor did I get a thank you for driving him to work. He says he feels unappreciated for all his hard work, even though I thank him all the time, yet acts like he shouldn't have to thank me for doing my job (taking care of the baby and the house). 

He says we don't have sex enough, yet he doesn't romance me AT ALL. He doesn't even seem to know what romance is. When he wants sex, his come on to me is to turn off the tv and say something like "come cuddle" (read: come have sex with me), which does nothing to put me in the mood, especially after a long, exhausting day chasing a toddler and cleaning the house and cooking dinner. 

I tell him all the time that I NEED some romance and affection and intimacy that isn't just sex. He gets all upset about his physical needs not being met, when he is doing nothing to meet my emotional needs.

When I try to talk about the future, he says things like "We can't afford that" (even though it's not something I'm saying we should do tomorrow, it's just me thinking out loud about different things I'd like to do at some point in our lives) or "it's too soon to think about that" or "I don't want to talk about that". How can we build a future together and achieve our dreams together if we can't even talk about a future together and what our dreams are? How can I make him realize that when he doesn't let me talk about what I'd like to do in the future, it makes me feel like maybe he doesn't see us having a future? 

All I'm looking for is the occasional thoughtful, nonselfish thing "You sleep in today honey, I'll go get the baby" in the morning or "Why don't you go take a shower/bath or take some time to yourself" when he gets home from work (rather than him running off into the other room as soon as he gets home all the time leaving me with a baby who desperately wants to spend time with his father). To change a diaper without being asked or get the baby dressed or any number of things that I don't have to spell out for him.

Maybe a "you look nice today" every once in a while. Or a passionate kiss that DOESN'T have to lead to sex.

Or some kind of romance, anything. Our anniversary was a few weeks ago and I got him a card and put it in the bathroom so it would be the first thing he saw when he got up for work. He decided to take the day off. But I got nothing, not a card or flowers and a "Happy Anniversary" until I pointed out that he hadn't said it. I had to bring up the idea that we go out to dinner. I didn't even get a little handwritten note that said "Happy anniversary, I love you". Nothing. And no acknowledgment that he had completely failed either. Same with valentine's day. 

How could I even be in the mood for sex with him when I feel like I am being pushed away emotionally? And when we do have sex, even that doesn't feel intimate anymore, it feels so mechanical. He completely ignores the rest of me and just goes straight for the downstairs. And when I'm already not in the mood, that's not going to do anything to help.

When I do try to talk to him, he always says it's never the right time and won't tell me when a "good" time would be. Or it just goes in one ear and out the other. 

I don't know what to say to him, or even if it would change anything. 

It's not that I don't want to have sex, but I need more that the tv being turned off to turn me on! And I am SO grateful to be able to stay home with our son, but he has a responsibility as a father as well, and that includes changing some diapers and spending time playing with him. 

What can I say? How can I express what I am feeling without his defenses immediately going up and resulting in a huge blow-out? I just don't know what to do anymore. 

I'm feeling so lonely and unappreciated.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I think you have done an excellent job of expressing your feelings here. Have you tried to put it in a letter for him? Try that and make it as positive as possible. That you do love him and appreciate him, but you need that back from him also. Show him how his lack of attention makes you feel. How forgetting special dates hurts. Let him know that if you were happier you’d be happier in your sex life and that could improve as a result. This won’t change over night. It sounds as if he settled into a selfish life style but he will need your help to get out of it. He can improve but it won’t be easy or overnight. Good luck.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

I am (or was) in a similar situation. DH says the same thing. When I tell him I feel unappreciated he replies with "so do I". I can't win. 
I go to him with solutions or things we can try to make it better and he barely tries. He has never come to me with a suggestion. 
It feels like he doesn't want to try. 
My DH had no father, I think this is a common trait among boys/men raised without fathers. They never learned how to properly treat a woman and how to rectify a marrital problem or have a spat or make up etc. 
I will read this post to see what other's suggest since I am in the same boat. Sorry I have no suggestions for you, but I can offer empathy!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, I have been with my wife for 19 years. She got pregnant with our first baby after we had been together for 3 months. Now we have 3 kids.

When I was younger, I neglected her a bit. Maybe not to the level of which you speak, but I can see myself in it. All I can say is that it was due to youthful ignorance. I wouldn't dream of treating a woman like that now. I never bothered with the anniversary thing either, and in fact I still don't - but that's because we don't just do "romance by numbers" - I spend time dreaming up how to make her feel special, and she is the type of gal who needs something different each time. 

But I cook a lot. I also tell her how much I love her, and I tell her why I love her. I bought her a 2 pairs of earrings last Christmas, which was just about the first gift I bought her in a long while, but I never was good at choosing. However, these earrings just said "buy me" on them.

I also never bought her things because, I don't like gifts. I don't need clutter. What I like to be given is sex. And as I have read in numerous places, people tend to treat others in the way they like to be treated.

I can read in your post, the resentment building up and up, quite understandably. At the moment it is mostly on your side, but eventually it could become mutual.

This is my solution. When you get a moment, arrange to have a talk with him, OUT OF THE HOUSE. Make sure you are cheerful when you ask so he does not suspect he is in for a telling off. You must choose a non domestic setting. With men you need to keep it simple. Say to him, "honey, how about I trade you romance for sex, HOT sex." If he does not go for that he is a fool. But you are going to have to tell him what romance is, because to me it's one of those words that has a different meaning for everyone.

I have had this discussion with my wife, and for her romance does not lead to wanting sex. If I want to get her in the mood I have to be flirty. However, I still demonstrate love to her, but it's not to get sex. When she sexes me up, I feel very loved, which tends to make me do romantic things for her.

Well it took us nearly 20 years to get to where we are now, but you can learn from our mistakes if you want, and take a short cut.


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## jupiter2007 (Aug 28, 2008)

samantharose said:


> I am (or was) in a similar situation. DH says the same thing. When I tell him I feel unappreciated he replies with "so do I". I can't win.
> I go to him with solutions or things we can try to make it better and he barely tries. He has never come to me with a suggestion.
> It feels like he doesn't want to try.
> My DH had no father, I think this is a common trait among boys/men raised without fathers. They never learned how to properly treat a woman and how to rectify a marrital problem or have a spat or make up etc.
> I will read this post to see what other's suggest since I am in the same boat. Sorry I have no suggestions for you, but I can offer empathy!


My DH had a father, but he was a lousy one. So much so that when we first met, he told me his father was dead. It wasn't until a few years later that I found out the truth from his sister who said something about running into him. The look on his face when I heard her say this was actually kind of priceless and he never mentioned it until a few weeks later when I finally said "Why did you tell me your dad was dead if he isn't?" I have since met his father and understand why he wants nothing to do with him.

I guess part of me thought that because of his wanting nothing to do with his dad and how he felt about his dad, I figured that he would strive to be so different and do everything the opposite of how his father did it.

Now, he is in NO means as bad as his father was (his father was an abusive, alcoholic, heroin addict, cheater, liar, thief, all that fun stuff.) But I guess when your role model is crumby, it's hard not to pick up some of those habits without even necessarily realizing it. 

I once pointed out that he was doing something he had complained of his father doing, and soon realized that I would've been better off just kicking him in the groin


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## jupiter2007 (Aug 28, 2008)

Mark Twain,

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and story and advice with me, I really really appreciate it. 

I actually teared up while I read your post. And it means a lot to me that you could share with me your experience. 

Your advice is really great and I think I will definitely try it. 

It really is such a vicious circle....and it's hard for me to see where to start, although I guess since I recognize it, it does need to start with me. He wants sex, I want romance, I don't give him sex because I want romance, he doesn't give me romance because I don't give him sex, and on and on from there...

I guess one thing that frustrates DH when I say that I want romance is he always says "I can't afford to be romantic". When all I'm asking for is the thoughtfulness that you're speaking of. I'm not asking him to buy me gifts and shower me in roses, that's not really romance to me either. It seems too forced. 

I hope that we do get through this and it does change. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, despite it all, he is still my best friend. I so want to work on it, but I know that I need him to as well.

I wish we were better at communicating with each other, I wish we weren't both so quick to put up our defenses.

In 19 years, I would love my story to mirror yours and I hope it does. I just know that if we don't both start changing now, it won't and I think that's what scares me the most. I just hope it's not too late  

Sometimes I worry that maybe he's just not IN love with me anymore, that maybe he loves me as his child's mother and as someone he does care about. But I just need to know that he still is, or at least can be again, IN love with me, because lately I just don't feel it. And likewise, I worry that sometimes maybe I'm not IN love with him, and maybe that scares me the most  Because I do really love him so much.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Yes, I know not to tell my husband he is like his father. 
I think sometimes a man might NOT pick up his father's traits, but he might suffer from being raised without a father. 
They may not see their family as one that has been through hard times but survived. To see their own biological father love their mother will all their heart and have their ups and downs... does something different to men, I've learned. Even having a really good step father is not the same thing. 
While my DH believes strongly in commitment and would never wander... he does not have the tools to maintain a problem within a marriage. Sure, he can manage an issue with friends or family, but he struggles so much when it is with me. I am the one who needs the most from him and knows him better than anyone. Therefore, our problems are different than others' and require more time and care and work. I don't think he's ever seen that before. 

His past relationships, all short. Very very short. Nothing long term at all. hmmmm??????? How about yours? Any successful past relationships? (obviously not too successful, but long term?)


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## jupiter2007 (Aug 28, 2008)

I know that he was once engaged, at least I think he was. He never said much about it. Only bits and pieces here and there. Mostly that she was crazy (but who doesn't say that about their ex's?). And he made it sound like it was completely her that was the reason that things didn't work out, and although I'm glad they didn't work out with her, I still find it hard to believe that it was ALL her and not him in anyway. 

I also think that he once told me that she was pregnant and had a miscarriage? But he told me so long ago, long before we dated and we were drunk at the time, so maybe I'm mixing up stories. I don't know.

But yes, he had long term relationships in the past. I don't think he's ever been the casual dating type. In all the time I knew him before we were together, I know there was a girl he was interested in, but he never went on any dates or anything. 

I do know that he hasn't had any really good male role models in his life. Between his father and his brother, who are both no good and his brother-in-law who is a really nice guy, but not always the most attentive husband/father, I can see where he may have picked up some bad habits. 

He's had a great female role model in his life in his sister. She's an amazingly strong and independent person (despite her not always very attentive husband!) and a great mother (to FOUR!). I know he was a mamma's boy growing up, but I also know that he resents his mom for not leaving his dad and letting his dad walk all over her and them. She also has M.S. and I think when she started to really decline, he may have started to resent her more for not being who he needed or something. I don't think he'd ever admit that though. 

So really, no good male presence there


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