# Confused so much it hurts



## Ret (Aug 13, 2016)

I've never blog'd or posted but I am at a complete loss and help.

My wife and I have been married for 17 years, we have a 16yr old, wife is 50 and Im 45. Over the past 4 months she has changed everything in her life and Im the last part of that change; 2 weeks ago she told me she doesn't want me in her life and its time to separate.

Now the back story.
We were a military family for 17 years; long deployments, a lot of time separated due to missions. We always managed to keep the mentality of a team, we worked very well together. She was a stay at home mother and I supported this since she had the toughest job between the both of us. I retired from the military about 10 months ago and had a very cushy job lined up for a second career; however that job was not what it was supposed to be and not worth the headache (I left after 2 months). This was supported from the wife, she could see it as well and stood behind me on the decision. I then decided to start my own business; which is a pain in the rear but turned out to be great. The business was a huge success and grew way beyond my vision. During the uncertainty phase I made the recommendation that maybe she could get a part time job to help get us by until we got settled; this would be thrown in my face daily and told I had ruined her life (just by making the recommendation). The team was non-existent. She then came around to the idea that a job would probably help her and improve her overall feeling; got over that hump with only slight pain.
Now she has a job and is working 40 hrs a week but when she has a bad day its my fault because she needs to work. 

Now onto the confusion; about 4 months ago we had a big argument, she expressed how Im not helping out enough and need to be more involved around the house; so I adjusted my business so I am home almost all the time. I do dishes, laundry, clean, cook, take care of the lawn and pool, drive our child everywhere and still run my business. I expressed how she needed to stop drinking so much (bottle of wine per night) and stop treating me like a piece of garbage, I asked her to simply talk to me and not yell at me. None of this went over very well; Im still not doing enough. For the past 4 months Ive put my head down and tried to do everything I can; I listen to her rant about work issues, I offer to take care of errands so she doesn't feel overloaded. Well, all for nothing; she told me "I dont want you in my life anymore, we are separating".

Its been over 3 months since she has asked how my day was or what is going on with me. She has changed how she dresses, changed her make up and perfume, she has lost 20 lbs. All points look like she is having an affair; but she's says its not and if she were I dont know when because she is never out other than work.

I dont want a divorce but I also cant go on like this; if I knew what was causing this maybe it would make sense? 

I know its long but its been a drama filled year. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

she will not be the first spouse to say she is not having an affair and is lying...can you account for missing time, does she keep her phone on her at all time, does she keep it locked up with a pass code? something is up.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Ret said:


> Well, all for nothing; she told me "I dont want you in my life anymore, we are separating".
> 
> Its been over 3 months since she has asked how my day was or what is going on with me. She has changed how she dresses, changed her make up and perfume, she has lost 20 lbs. All points look like she is having an affair; but she's says its not and if she were I dont know when because she is never out other than work.


Sadly, this is the most damning... many more experienced than I will be sharing the 180 path and ways to find the truth necessary to either guide her back on the path she needs so you can reconcile if you can, or how to release yourself from the pains of her poor choices.

If she is in an affair... her lies will flow like water from a spring.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

1. Stating you are separating 
2. Losing a lot of weight quickly 
3. Changing how she dresses

These things combined are very bad signs that your marriage is ending.

Where are things with your sex life?


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## rafaelandy (May 8, 2013)

Ret said:


> "I dont want you in my life anymore, we are separating".
> 
> Its been over 3 months since she has asked how my day was or what is going on with me. She has changed how she dresses, changed her make up and perfume, she has lost 20 lbs. All points look like she is having an affair; but she's says its not and if she were I dont know when because she is never out other than work.


these are some of the most "classic signs" of an affair or an impending affair.

let's hope she's not yet involved with someone else. don't stop reaching out to her. sit down with her and talk to her calmly about your concerns. tell her you want to make your marriage work.

BUT brace yourself for the worst. 

as the people here told you - what she said and how she is behaving are very bad signs.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Sorry you are going through this. People who cheat, lie so don't believe her when she says she isn't having an affair. She probably is maybe with a coworker at her new job. Maybe they meet during lunch or maybe it's just an EA right now. If this is the case odds are there isn't isn't thing you can do about it. It you want to know for sure look through her phone (if she let you) go through the phone bill, emails, texts, put a VAR/GPS in her car.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It may be only that she has encountered a man who makes her WISH she could have an affair, and she is doing the ethical thing of getting divorced first. It sounds like something happened in her life four months ago that she is using as the impetus for changing her life. If you can't look back and pinpoint it, it means she hasn't been communicating with you for ages the way a married couple should.

This is commonly known as mid-life crisis, by the way.

It could be that she met someone inspirational, man or woman.
It could be that she had a health scare she didn't tell you about.
It could be that someone close to her died and she suddenly feels her own mortality.
It could be that she's fallen for another man, even if she never acted on it.
It could be that she's developed more confidence now that she's employed.

Whatever reason it is, it has rendered her dissatisfied with her current situation in life. Her health, her appearance, her family situation.

You can either figure out what's motivating this change and become part of it, depending on what it is, or you can step back and get out of her way.

I think she's felt like a single mother, supported by an absent husband, for a big part of her life, and having you home full time has been the major change in her life. She went from being able to do whatever she wanted and not having to worry about money, to having to work, and look after an extra person in the household. You've messed up her established system big time and simultaneously introduced her to the bigger world of earning her own income and being more self-sufficient.

The fact that you haven't recognized your military retirement as the trigger point makes me think she feels you don't understand her at all.

Think on this. For seventeen years, her life was stable as a single non-working mom, interrupted by the occasional presence of the man whose money made it possible. For seventeen years, your life was stable as a man who was independent and occasionally went to his home base to be looked after by the housekeeper and nanny.

Now, this woman doesn't really know how to fit you back into her life and hasn't got your next deployment to look forward to for things to return to her 'normal'. On top of that, she now has to work, and that was probably never part of her life plan. At least if you separate, she gets the single mom part of her life back. It took an argument four months ago for you to start pulling your weight around the household?

And the cynic part of me suggests that she may have been having an affair for years and years, while you were away, and your permanent return has messed that up for her completely.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

I think instead of playing detective and torturing yourself even more it's probably best to just accept you've grown apart and move on. 
What will u gain finding out she is having an affair? Nothing. 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Ret said:


> 1) Over the past 4 months she has changed everything in her life and Im the last part of that change;
> 
> 2) 2 weeks ago she told me she doesn't want me in her life and its time to separate.
> 
> ...



OP, First off, thank you for your service and I'm sorry you are here.

All the above points from your post scream affair. They are straight out of the cheaters handbook.Sorry.

She could easily be having an affair at work, at least an EA.

And an affair explains all the negativity thrown your way.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

> She has changed how she dresses, changed her make up and perfume, she has lost 20 lbs. All points look like she is having an affair; but she's says its not and if she were I dont know when because she is never out other than work.



Can you verify her work hours, that could easily be her "extra" time especially if she is involved w/ a co-worker ( which seems the norm in infidelity). This would help you verify, along with all of the stuff in the Standard evidence thread, but to be honest it sounds like it would only be for your peace of mind . She sounds checked out and D is probably inevitable. Sorry you're having to deal with this.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Have you sat down with her and asked her what is going on? Ask her for specifics as to why she wants to separate. Also ask her about her weight loss, and all the other red flags. Don't accuse her of having an affair. Ask her if she wants to separate, why hasn't she presented you with papers? Tell her you do not want to live in limbo, you need to know exactly where she stands, so you can make your own decisions.

Your plan will be different based on her answers.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

why is everyone jumping to the conclusion she is having an affair?
This is a 50 year old woman who is probably menopausal which brings alot of upheaval, self doubt, desire for change, etc
Add to this a life of handling all family matters basically alone with an absentee H.
Same H returns home and makes decisions with regard to his own career that make him feel good, or suits him and dutiful wife supports the decision but then is told to go out and work after many years of being a stay at home wife without any regard to whether she feels good about that.

This is a difficult thing to do, she is full of self doubt, realises that she cannot rely on you really and now needs to be self sufficient and is probably resentful. But aims to prove to you she doesn't need the ungrateful H.

Wife concludes, H does what makes him happy, to hell with her, now she has settled into work and intends to prove to herself and H she does not need him afterall she only served his purposes all these years, H follows his dream and expects her to keep on giving. Classic case.

Now this is the end result, because did you ever stop to think about what your wife wanted or how she wanted to finish her years after child rearing and carrying the bulk of the responsibility in the marriage? I'm sure it wasn't going back to work so your could pursue your dream. 

Why are some men so bloody obtuse?


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Where are things with your sex life?


Do you really need an answer to this question??


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