# My unconventional marriage



## Nova (May 5, 2012)

I've been married to my wife for almost six years. She is an amazing woman that I am thankful for everyday. We have a 4 y.o. daughter together and a 2.5 y.o. son. I am 34 and my wife is 32. Our marriage was fairly normal and over-all happy until about two years ago. 

My wife became sick and her illness took a toll on all of us. Her illness wasn't terminal but it did have some side effects. Her sex drive plummeted as a result of some of the medication that she was on. We ended up fighting over this loss of intimacy constantly for a few months. Eventually my wife proposed if I wanted I could have a Friends with benefit type relationship until she felt better. This was a generous offer from my wife and after a few weeks I ended up meeting a young woman and we hit it off. 

We ended up kind of dating and hooking up a lot. It was a lot of fun but I started to fall for her. My girlfriend started to want something more serious after a few months and we started to have more of a relationship. This wasn't what my wife intended when she allowed me to step out of our mariage. 

After about 5 months of going out my girlfriend's lease was up and I offered to let her rent a room at our house. We have a fairly large home and we were spending a lot of time together as it was. My wife was apprehensive about this but agreed as it was supposed to be short term. My girlfriend was a lot of help around the home and she became close to our kids. My wife and girlfriend eventually became friends of sorts but there has always been some tension. 

Two months after my girlfriend moved in my wife's health issues began to get better. She wanted me to stop seeing my girlfriend as her drive had returned and she was feeling better. I told her I would. My girlfriend had become a part of our family and we didn't want to throw her out so she stayed at our home even after our relationship was to be over. 

This is where I made a horrible mistake and treated my wife in a way that she didn't deserve. I ended up still occasionally sleeping with my girlfriend. It was so difficult with our attraction still being there and her being so close. We kept up this charade for a few weeks. In March of last year she found out she was pregnant. This was not something that was planned and it was an accident. She decided that she did not want to have an abortion. I couldn't in good faith ask her to have an abortion and I didn't. She considered it for some time out of respect to my wife but decided she couldn't. We came clean to my wife about the pregnancy and my wife responded horribly. She called me all sorts of names and told me to leave our home. 

I begged her for forgiveness and told her we could make this work in our own way. I have always had an issue with being faithful and its something that has plagued my relationships. My wife knows this and has forgiven me in the past for transgressions. After we talked about if for several days she agreed that my girlfriend could stay at our home. We ended up deciding to try out a polyamorous relationship. We agreed on several ground-rules. I was not allowed to sleep with anyone outside of my wife or girlfriend. My wife agreed to not sleep with anyone else. My girlfriend agreed to not sleep with any other men (she is bi-sexual). 

We've been living together since then in this fashion. My girlfriend had our twins in November. The babies are now six months old. We have had our ups and downs but we seem to get along well enough. My wife and girlfriend are a great team for raising the kids and we have a good routine. I run my own business and I'm the single income for our home. We do fine financially which has been a relief but my hours have been heavier as of late which has led to some to some fights. 

We've had issues with jealousy from my wife towards my girlfriend. My wife has been pushing for us to try for another baby which has been a bit of a stressor. We've also had to deal with some family issues. My wife's family thinks I am the worst husband ever and are not supportive of our lifestyle. And four kids under 4 can be a challenge. I feel like sometimes my wife is resentful of me and that has been an underlying issue in our marriage. She didn't want this and even though we are happy in general she isn't as gung-ho about this as the rest of us. 

I hope I can help some people who are considering a poly-lifestyle and answer some questions about everything related to it. There is a lot of misconceptions. I'm also hoping that I can find some solutions to the disputes we have in our marriage and relationships.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Sounds to me like your wife is just going along with it because she's afraid if she forces you to choose you won't choose her. You lied to her, you didn't like to the gf.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I think you should talk to your wife and see which of her needs aren't being met. You now have a responsibility to two women, so you all need to discuss not just boundaries but also what needs you expect the others to meet. It's possible, but honesty and maturity are important in this volatile dynamic.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

People on this board go ape **** over common sexual fantasies, blow jobs, and anal pleasure. I can't imagine a lot of the people here are going to be able to remotely process what you're talking about here, especially the high amount of people who are dealing with the deep scars of infidelity. 

I personally can't relate too much. However I did, at the age of 18, get into a dysfunctional situation where I ended up falling for a married woman, eventually lived with my 24 year old girlfriend (who was pregnant with my child before she lost her), her estranged husband, and their five kids. Yes, five young children. It was the lowest, most insane point in my entire life, and extremely out of line with my morality. Everything inside of me was uncomfortable with encroaching on a bad marriage, and that living situation imploded after about three months, so I can't even fathom being in your girlfriend's position and encroaching on a marriage where the man claims to still love his wife.

From what I do know about this type of relationship, it doesn't sound like you're in a healthy one. Multiple party relationships are built on the notion that all parties desire to be involved, believe inherently in the strength of the identity of the group as a singular "relationship", and consider this to be the supreme choice for this set of people. This situation sounds like it's worked out best for you, your girlfriend, and your wife, who is basically a doormat, has allowed you to disrespect her, your marriage, and your home, all up, down, and over the place. This might not be the case, but that is my impression based off the details given. Your wife does not sound like her first, and primary, choice is to be involved in this kind of group relationship. Sounds like you guys have a long habit of her giving you whatever you want, you getting your way, and her finding a way to deal with it. Matters are of course complicated by the fact that she seems to like, on some level, this woman. But I am not seeing your wife's needs and desires, deep down, being reflected very strongly in your post. Sounds like your needs, your desires, and your wife finding ways to cope and deal with your endless stream of infidelities, and it's consequences.

I think there might be other message boards which will give you firmer advice dealing with the issues inherent to a polyamorous relationship.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Totally agree with the above and yes your wife does resent you. You were supposed to have broken it off with gf and nested didn't wrap it and knocked her up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You stole the future from your wife through you lies. She made an emotional sacrafice for you do you could get your rocks off and you five times stabbed herinthe back for her sacrafice,

You are the poster child for someone who caisson to be a continue victor of circumstance, but don't see that each step of this was caused by you being completely selfish.

You didn't just get sex, you got a girlfriend. You moved her into your wife's home. You lied and kept sleeping and cheating with the gf. You knocked up the gf. You forced your wife to allow your gf and bastard child to live in your wife's home with her children.

Oh, and you are giving away your families money to help support your gf and bastard child.

Over all, this isn't a judgement of poly or not. My judgement is that you are slimy, you are selfish, you lied to your wife after she was incredibly sacrificing for you. 

I hope she get wise and sues both you and your gf and takes every cent you have now and have in the future. I hope she takes the money and finds a safe place to raise her children outside of your influence so they don't grow up horrible and selfish like you live today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

I'd be resentful too, but then again I wouldn't ask my husband to take a concubine in the first place.

(As a side note, I know the term 'concubine' has a negative connotation, but it simply means a woman who cohabitants with a man and lives like a wife, but does not carry the same rights legally.)

However, it's too late to change the past. It does sound like she's trying to compete with your new woman by trying to have a baby with you as well. This happens all over the world in polygamist societies and I hate to break it to you but you're in for a wild ride. The competitiveness will probably never stop and neither will the jealousness. I'd try to get into some poly-friendly counseling. You'd have to ask some local poly people to probably find a good one (or even find one at all depending on where you live).

Oh, and take it from a lady who has considered going into the polygamist lifestyle, she probably feels sub-par to this new woman. I know that when my husband considered dating again he IMMEDIATELY went for all the 18-20 year olds. That's when I pulled the plug. So if she's younger than her, especially MUCH younger, she probably feels ugly, old, and like used goods. Please do pay extra care to her. She's in such a delicate state. Take her out, do things just for her that make her feel loved once in a while, and always remember that she is your first. She also feels very betrayed because you said you'd break it off and you didn't. You lied to her out right. She might not ever get over that so just be prepared. Things will defiantly never be where they where before.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. Only two weeks til you found a girlfriend. 

I dunno what you want to hear...good luck though. Lots of babies to support.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Enjoy the moment, because once you star paying child support(oh yes you will) for both parties you'll be regretting every minute of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

Tell you wife that you cant do that because you have responsibility of two women and it would not be easy for you to handle the issues more..If she loves you, she will understand your problem..


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## Nova (May 5, 2012)

I thought I should take time and respond to people that took time to read and respond to my thread. 

*Peachy Cat: * I think our family is important to my wife and me. I'm sure she agreed to some things because she wants to do what is best for our kids. I think our love is special and it can overcome a lot of challenges. I'm definitely not a person that is capable of being monogamous for better or worse. I've had multiple affairs in the past. At least with this arrangement everyone is faithful. 

*Moxy: *Thanks for the advice. I do think honesty is a good policy and one I strive for. I'm working on getting better at it. 

*Jaquen:* I think our relationship is a work in process. Its not something we planned on doing which puts us at a disadvantage. A lot of the other poly relationships I've seen are well-planned. Ours happened organically. I think what we are doing is the best for me, my wife, girlfriend, and my kids. 

*Livelaughlovenow:* It was a mistake on my behalf, yes. Its a pretty complicated situation and its hard to turn off feelings instantly. Add in that we were living together and it became almost inevitable that something would happen. It was a mistake but we are trying to the best now. I always try to have an optimistic state of mind!

*Shaggy:* I think you are not being understanding. I take offense at you calling my twins "bastards". They are innocent babies. My girlfriend and kids are part of our family. I have to protect them and take care of them. Doing that is not stealing from anyone. My wife has not expressed any desire to leave me and we are trying to have another child. 

*BlindSide: *My girlfriend is in her early 20s so she isn't "much younger". I always try to do the best for my wife and I will pay extra care to her like you recommended. I will look into counseling but we don't live in a large metropolis so it may be hard to find counseling that fits for us. I've apologized to my wife for lying to her but I am trying to look to the future and behave honestly from now on. 

*ThatGirl:* Thank you the wish of good luck. I knew my girlfriend as a friend before we started to see each other romantically so that is why it didn't take that long. 

*Keko: *I'm going to try to make my relationships work so to avoid that. I think being at home with parents is better than separate with support. I think both women in my life agree with this. 

*Davi:* My wife does have high expectations and I sometimes struggle to meet them. It is tough. There is only so much time in a day. I think I am doing good all things considered. Our family is very comfortable as a result of my hard work and they are my priority. I do sometimes wish my wife was more appreciative of that but no one is perfect.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

I am conflicted on this. It does seem like you are doing right by your kids. I think the language some people used about the OP's children were shameful. All children are worthy of love. I want to applaud you for taking care of your children. 

From reading the post you seem to have treated your wife with almost no respect or consideration. She did a selfless thing to allow you to have an extra-marital relationship while her health recovered. You repaid her by cheating on her and impregnating someone else. That was not kind. People cheat in poor relationships. Your relationship did not seem to be poor at all. Your wife seems reasonable and loving. 

I'm far from a saint myself so I am uncomfortable being judgmental but I really think you can and should treat your wife better. Try to do that. And remember who your wife is and who your girlfriend is. Your wife should be more important than your girlfriend. 

Good luck. I am struggling with an 18 month old. I can't even begin to imagine how stressful 4 little kids are. I do hope everything works out.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Actually I was using the correct term for you children with the gf. They are in fact bastards in the litteral sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Nova, I have a question.

If you are a chronic cheater, and seem to accept that as part of who you are, and thus won't be changing it, why are you married? It just seems that being unattached from marriage would make your lifestyle choices a lot less complicated.

And same on you for using the loaded term "bastard" in reference to this man's children. I am well aware of the "technical" definition of the word, but it is loaded, as well all know, and has such a vile, ugly connotation. I mean really, totally unnecessary and flat out cruel.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I thought marriage was something that should stay strong in "sickness and in health"?? When your wife fell sick you actually fought with her over loss of intimacy, instead of being a supportive husband..... to the point that she had to give you such a 'provision' within a span of few months!! 

After you were given this provision, in no time you managed to find a young bi-sexual woman who didn't mind hooking up with a married man with two kids & wife, and who slowly and steadily became your girlfriend, then your roommate (with benefits) and then the mother of your children with the most appropriate timing when your wife just started to recover 

You know, your wife should have been the one posting here on TAM instead of you. I am sure she would get some very good advice here. You have no idea how much hurt you have brought upon that woman and you say she has 'high expectations'. The expectations she seems to have had from you are the lowest I have seen so far from any "wife" i know.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Nova, I have a question.
> 
> If you are a chronic cheater, and seem to accept that as part of who you are, and thus won't be changing it, why are you married? It just seems that being unattached from marriage would make your lifestyle choices a lot less complicated.
> 
> And same on you for using the loaded term "bastard" in reference to this man's children. I am well aware of the "technical" definition of the word, but it is loaded, as well all know, and has such a vile, ugly connotation. I mean really, totally unnecessary and flat out cruel.


Cruel is being a chrontuc cheater and raising kids in such an environment. Teaching them the twisted idea that cheating betrayal and lies are normal and ok. That in fact is abusive of innocent children,

I am thinking however that this poster is just a troll looking fir attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Cruel is being a chrontuc cheater and raising kids in such an environment. Teaching them the twisted idea that cheating betrayal and lies are normal and ok. That in fact is abusive of innocent children,


That I do agree with, totally. 



Shaggy said:


> I am thinking however that this poster is just a troll looking fir attention.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't consider that. Hmmm?


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I am thinking however that this poster is just a troll looking fir attention.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it is very unfair to call someone a troll. The OP is looking for advice. If you don't believe his story is true than don't post. There is no need to tag his thread as a "troll" thread. All you are doing is shutting down the discussion and distracting from his thread. 

I had to deal with this in my first thread where people like you constantly accused me of being a troll. I am in no way shape or form a troll and was writing about a traumatic incident. Being accused of trolling is totally unfair especially when there is no merit to the charges. The only reason you are accusing him of being a troll is because he does not seem to be a person of high character. 

People come to a forum for advice or help. Either give them that or don't reply. I understand that the OP is probably not a good guy if he has admitted to cheating constantly. But that doesn't make him a troll.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> People cheat in poor relationships.


While I agree with the rest of your post this statement is a myth.

People cheat in good relationships all the time.

They become "poor" after the fact when they attempt to justify their infidelity.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

tacoma said:


> While I agree with the rest of your post this statement is a myth.
> 
> People cheat in good relationships all the time.
> 
> They become "poor" after the fact when they attempt to justify their infidelity.


That was my bias talking. You are right. When I personally cheated my marriage was in awful shape. I think it depends from person to person. I am sure there are people who do cheat in perfectly good relationships. I think there are differences between serial cheaters and people who cheat once. A serial cheater is probably more likely to cheat irrespective of relationship quality.


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## Nova (May 5, 2012)

*WhoHaveIBecome:* Thank you for being understanding. I am working on treating my wife better. I realize I haven't been the best husband but I am trying to do better. I try to treat everyone the same and I don't think it is right to treat my wife as superior to my girlfriend. We are all people and all equal. 

*Shaggy:* I won't dignify your comment with a response. 

*Jaquen:* To answer your question, it is because I love my wife and I have already made a life-long promise to her. If I was to go back in time I may not marry. But I already am married. I would be with my wife even if I wasn't married and being married was important to her so I agreed. It was a compromise. I am faithful to my girlfriend and wife have no desire for anyone else. I think this unconventional relationship works for us and for us is better than a traditional marriage. I have not cheated since we agreed to this arrangement. I like being a father and I have children so it would be difficult to be "unattached" at this point. Thank you for standing up to "Shaggy". I think his words have been hurtful. It is one thing to criticize me but my children are innocent. 

*Eowyn:* I was supportive of her during her health issues. I took a greater role with out children and I supported her with all of the challenges we faced. Having sexual contact with someone else doesn't mean I was not supportive. I did not plan for any of what happened to happen. It just did and I am trying to respond to it in the best way possible. I know I have not been the best husband. Hopefully if I put in the work and effort I can become a better husband! I am trying to do better.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Nova said:


> *Jaquen:* If I was to go back in time I may not marry. But I already am married. I would be with my wife even if I wasn't married and being married was important to her so I agreed. It was a compromise.


This adds an extra layer of understanding to this entire situation.

So basically marriage was never really your "thing", but you fell in love with your wife, and in order to be with her marriage was the "compromise" that you agreed to? Is that correct?

If so your chronic infidelity makes more sense if you classify the marriage, and the ensuing expectation of monogamy, to be matters exclusively important to her.

Does your wife realize that you view getting married in this light? If she does, it would explain her unusually high tolerance for all your betrayal.

Also, would you mind honestly if she found another man on the side, or wanted to bring another man into your polymorous relaitonship?

And you're welcome about the kids. I was truly taken aback by that archaic, ugly language in reference to innocent children.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> That was my bias talking. You are right. When I personally cheated my marriage was in awful shape. I think it depends from person to person. I am sure there are people who do cheat in perfectly good relationships. I think there are differences between serial cheaters and people who cheat once. A serial cheater is probably more likely to cheat irrespective of relationship quality.


That I`ll agree with, it makes perfect sense.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I am glad to see that you at least try to think of all parties in your triangle relationship. However, knowing one polyamorous couple (where both parties have other relationships outside the marriage), I would say the ABSOLUTE KEY in making that work is to openly discuss all the feelings involved — even more so than in a conventional marriage — and be very quick to react to any discomfort the other party might be feeling. 

In my friends relationship, the marriage and nuclear family (they also have one child) ALWAYS comes first. 
They date other people but not at the expense of the primary relationship. When they have problems in their own relationship, as everyone does, they don't run to the boy/girlfriend to escape them, but deal with them on the spot with each other. The stability and growth of the *primary* relationship is much more important then the development of the secondary ones.

In your situation, seems like your wife was left playing second fiddle for a long time. This is bound to have made her resentful. 

Your wife should be your *FIRST* choice and primary concern in everything. You should make sure your wife knows this, every day. You should make sure your girlfriend knows this too. In my opinion you should work on making this clear for all parties (including yourself).

I respect you for taking care of all your children equally and this should remain the case. However, treating your women equally obviously does not fly with your wife. So make her number one or prepare to lose her. Since she wasn't exactly eager to have your family set up this way in the first place, I would see that as the only way to make it last.

Well, that is how I would see it at least.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Nova, are you still in love with the gf? Are you still in love with the wife? Which one do you love more? I sake this because after reading many article about those who develop "feelings' during an affair (and give your situation is unique because initially your wife gave you permission...I think you need to dig deep.your wife is nothappy, I think you need to come p with a better solution then your current one, separate the two of them so you don't have them both in the same house. Figure which relationship is most important and docs solely on that one. Still be there for your kids, and although I personally don't think getting back with the gf and knocking her up was right, I would never call the children names, and I think others should seriously consider what they say. That being said...I kept thinking about your story and a friend I know in a similar situation....and what advice I should really tell you. If you want to make your wife happy you need to rebuild your relationship with JUST her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

It amazes me that these people never think about long term consequences it's always about instant gratification. Do you think this situation will hold up for 5, 20, 50 years? Can you really see sitting in a rocking chair with both of these women? What about the kids? When they are school age are all 3 of you going to parent-teacher conferences, school plays, football games?

Seriously?

You're short sighted, selfish, devoid of a fuctioning moral compass. Your kids legitimate and illegitimate (PC enough for you?) will suffer because of you. Your in laws are right, you are any father of a daughters nightmare. I truly hope you get what you deserve.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

eowyn said:


> I thought marriage was something that should stay strong in "sickness and in health"?? When your wife fell sick you actually fought with her over loss of intimacy, instead of being a supportive husband..... to the point that she had to give you such a 'provision' within a span of few months!!


Totally!!!

It sickens me to read/hear stories like the OP. 
How could his wife be okay with that for a while and how could he accept that??!!!!
If my husband let me see someone else I would be offended and probably would end thing with him first before seeing someone. It would only show my husband didn't care much about me!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm shocked that TAM which is pro marriage is being so kind and accepting of a serial cheater who stabbed his wife in the back, humiliated her by moving the OW into the house,etc.

Seriously folks, what this guy asserts as a big happy lifestyle is nothing but. A cheater having his ultimate cake eating experience.

What he is doing is illegal in the US, he is practicing polygamy. He just hasn't got the paper for the second wife. There is a reason why polygamy is illegal and it isn't a conspiracy of haters. It's because it is abusive to the women and very abusive to the children.

This guy is a marriage cert away from jail,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Totally!!!
> 
> It sickens me to read/hear stories like the OP.
> How could his wife be okay with that for a while and how could he accept that??!!!!
> If my husband let me see someone else I would be offended and probably would end thing with him first before seeing someone. It would only show my husband didn't care much about me!!!


Yes, maybe its reading between the lines.. but I just don't see how a woman with two kids can give this "_*provision*_" to a husband just like that. I have no doubt that the poor lady was forced into it with constant fights over loss of intimacy when she was in fact sick and needed support. I cannot imagine her journey with OP thus far. Seriously, she deserves someone better than OP. 

What beats me is that looking at the initial post OP seems to be proud of what he has done (probably a success story of some sorts) by saying that


> he wishes to help some people who are considering a poly-lifestyle and answer some questions about everything related to it


.  Really??? The only advice he should be giving people is that "ITS A BAD IDEA AND ABSOLUTELY UNFAIR TO THE WIFE & CHILDREN!"


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Shaggy said:


> You stole the future from your wife through you lies. She made an emotional sacrafice for you do you could get your rocks off and you five times stabbed herinthe back for her sacrafice,
> 
> You are the poster child for someone who caisson to be a continue victor of circumstance, but don't see that each step of this was caused by you being completely selfish.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Yet you won't even dignify Shaggy with a response? You make me laugh. Not because you are funny. But because I can't believe how, well, I won't say it. But you my friend are an, well, I won't say that either. I will now go pray for your wife.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Nova you keep saying everyone is faithful in your relationships...but that is a lie. You cheat on your wife and your vows everyday. You brought your skanky ***** to live under your wifes roof. She loves you but obviously knows what a ***** you yourself are. She takes your crap because somehow that is better than losing you completely. I will do everything in my power to make sure my son never treats women the way you do. And if my daughter ever runs across a man like you he will be in the ground before he humiliates her the way you have your wife. Respect your wife for once and get your mistress out of that house. Share custody and stop calling her your girlfriend. She is a **** and deserves no such title. How the two of you look yourselves in the mirror is beyond me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nova (May 5, 2012)

*Jaquen: *You are right. Marriage or Monogamy have never been of great importance to me. To my wife they are more important. I think she knows my heart is in a good place even if I falter and that is why she has been forgiving. I would not be comfortable with another man in my home or with my wife. That is not an option. 

*Tiredandout: *Our kids do come first. Always. Our relationship is slightly different than your friends'. Ours is closed so there is little to no dates with men and women outside of our home. I treat my wife and girlfriend as equals. I think you are right that may be some of the issue. I will try to show my wife that she is always the first and most important to me. I may have been caught up in the newer relationship and lost track of who should be the focus. 

*Livelaughlovenow:* I am in love with both my wife and girlfriend.I could not choose and say I love one more than the other. I can't kick my girlfriend and children out of our home. I cannot. I can't imagine not seeing her romantically too. I think if I was to do something like that I would end up hurting my wife by cheating again. I think some people are one partner people and some are not. I am not a one-partner type of person. 

*Zsu234: *I can't answer what will happen long-term. We are just trying to take it day by day. I really want to make this work and I think its the best choice for all of us. I'm not as bad a man as you seem to think I am. I am a loving, generous, and caring person. I do have my flaws. But don't we all? I'm working on repairing the relationship with my in-laws. They don't seem to understand our situation well and are making snap-judgement calls. It isn't fair. 

*Shaggy: *I do not know what you mean by "ultimate cake-eating experience". I do not think the government should be legislating love. Its possible to love more than one person. I've never ever abused my children. I resent the suggestion that our lifestyle is abusive. It isn't. 

*Eowyn: *I think a lot of people are very biased against the poly lifestyle. Just try to learn and understand and not judge. Some things that don't work for you work for others. If you have any specific questions about our lifestyle I'd be glad to answer them. One of the things I hope to do is clear up some misconceptions. 

*KittyKat: *That man was being disrespectful to my children. I did not think his name-calling deserved a response. I was hoping this would be a civil discussion. 

*Lisab105: *I am faithful to my wife and girlfriend. There are no other women than them. The home is my home that I paid for. We have a large home and my girlfriend needed a place to stay. I offered her a place to stay out of benevolence not selfishness. I love women and I treat women with kindness. I am not a bad man because I am not monogamous by nature. I will not have my girlfriend leave our home. She is actually a friend of my wife's too and we are a family. Our kids love one another and I wouldn't separate them. My daughter and son love their baby brothers and I won't separate them. I am disappointed in how disrespectful many of you are towards my girlfriend and our kids. You can't help who you love.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Honestly Nova, it seems you've chosen this lifestyle, are happy with your choice, and have convinced the women, particularly your wife, in your life that this is the best road for your family.

I don't think you're going to accomplish much here. People on this site tend to be very closed off to a lot of fringe activity, and this is about as fringe as you can get. Your reception here will not be a warm one from most of these people.

A lot of these posters are people who have dealt with infidelity. Your poly lifestyle started off founded on a lot of lies, cheating, infidelity, and pain. Most are not going to be able to ignore the foundations of a thing, or accept that something so ugly has transformed into something you consider beautiful. 

This world revolves around you. The women aren't "allowed" to have multiple partners, and you're not willing to allow another man into this poly relationship. You sacrifice very little. Meanwhile this all started because your wife was sick, foolishly gave her blessing to sleep around in front of her face, and all your actions since then have been about supporting YOUR needs. This isn't a true poly situation in that it's totally focused on whatever choices you make, and all others are expected to adapt. YOUR wife. YOUR girlfriends. YOUR house. That's a very tough pill to swallow.

But you didn't create this life in a vacuum. For whatever reason your wife married a man she knew wasn't monogamous, and she's stuck by you. That is her choice, and she has to accept the consequences of that. Your girlfriends seems to be perfectly fine with having trespassed on a marriage, and is now literally apart of that marriage. There doesn't seem to be a lot of functional choices coming out here. All of you seem to be really crippled in some way.

Good luck. I mean that. I don't believe in mindlessly attacking people. You could be, in other ways, a great person, even if I strongly disagree with your choices. I hope, in the end, there is peace, love, and some kind of true enlightenment for all of you. For your sake, and the kids'.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You can't seriously believe this situation is tenable.

You'd better start making some choices before they're made for you.

Let me repeat ....

Your marital situation will not work.

You must choose and do it now.you have no one to blame but yourself and everyone involved in this relationship is going to feel a good measure of pain before it's rectified, if it even can be rectified.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

So you simply want your cake and to eat it too...two different cakes I might add...good luck dude. You are not thinking rationally, are being selfish and your wife will make the decision for you, soon since she keeps telling you she has a problem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

Jacquen, I wish I could 'like' your post a hundred times.

OP, all I keep wondering is how your wife got to the point to where she gave you permission to have sex with other women? I understand that she was sick and had no libido but I wouldn't care how often my husband begged me for sex, I would never tell him that he could have sex with anyone but myself. Honestly, she must have had some very low self-esteem to begin with and I doubt you improved that much by begging her for sex and probably pouting or making her feel guilty in some way because she was unable to satisfy you.

I agree that this sounds like it's all about you. It sounds like you're completely detached from how your wife feels, if you even care at all. It's obvious that she doesn't like this situation no matter how much she has learned to like this other woman. She's been forced to keep a civil relationship with her because there's no way you will choose your wife over her and she obviously still loves you.

If my husband told me that I could look for sexual gratification outside of the relationship for whatever reason, there is no way that I would do it. 

There's a lot here that really makes my blood boil. Not because it's a poly relationship because I don't have a problem with that. It's because you don't seem to care about anyone but yourself. You took advantage of your wife at her weakest. She loved you and told you that you could find sexual satisfaction elsewhere probably because she felt guilty and you did it, fell in love with the woman, moved her into your house, and lied to your wife about continuing to have a sexual relationship with the other woman when she was feeling better. Didn't you have enough foresight to know that would be a possibility? If all you are looking for is sexual gratification, what is wrong with masturbation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are a "chronic cheater" why would you now be faithful to the two women you have?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Honestly Nova, it seems you've chosen this lifestyle, are happy with your choice, and have convinced the women, particularly your wife, in your life that this is the best road for your family.
> 
> I don't think you're going to accomplish much here. People on this site tend to be very closed off to a lot of fringe activity, and this is about as fringe as you can get. Your reception here will not be a warm one from most of these people.
> 
> ...


Your posts are very thoughtful. I enjoy reading them.


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