# What does being married mean to you...



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

First post here... read a lot lurking already but haven't found anything that answers my question here...

I don't want to lead you people with responses based on backstory, so...

I'm looking to get a number of responses from men and women on what their view of marriage is. Why did you get married? What does the commitment mean to you? What do you expect your relationship to look like when you are married? What are the "contractual" obligations (if you will), that you are agreeing to?

Short story .. I think my wife and I have a different perspective. I don't think there is a right and wrong, but whatever we mutually make of it. 

What does it mean to you?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I got married for the following reasons:

1) spiritual connection was amazing and we share the same core values when it comes to our beliefs

2) the sex is amazing

3) we mutually have the upmost respect for one another

4) we fight fair... we really don't fight at all mainly due to #3

5) I could see myself with him to the end, he's fun and my best friend in the world

6) he loves me more than any man on earth ever has and he has consistantly shown that every day we've been together

7) the sex is amazing... I said that one already didn't I? lol

8) he puts me above anything else (except God)

Okay those are a few reasons... what do you mean by 'contractural' obligations? I'm expecting what we have now to last until we take our last breaths. That's what we signed up for when we decided to marry one another.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> what do you mean by 'contractural' obligations? I'm expecting what we have now to last until we take our last breaths. That's what we signed up for when we decided to marry one another.


i was thinking... what do you expect the marriage to be... what's the contract? what are you agreeing to when you say "i do". taking that further than the superficial "love each other". I mean, on a daily or weekly basis. 

once i get some more replies I explain a bit more about my situation. 

i just want to see how many people identify with my version of what marriage is, versus my wife's perspective.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> i was thinking... what do you expect the marriage to be... what's the contract? what are you agreeing to when you say "i do". taking that further than the superficial "love each other". I mean, on a daily or weekly basis.
> 
> once i get some more replies I explain a bit more about my situation.
> 
> i just want to see how many people identify with my version of what marriage is, versus my wife's perspective.


Ok. Well I suppose I answered that question then. We agreed to maintain all that I listed above until death do us part.

Notice I didn't put up there the typical answer of 'we fell in love' or 'we love each other'. It's not that we don't, we do very very much, but we're both the type of people that don't believe love is enough to sustain us. We have to LIKE one another more than love one another or it won't work for the the long term.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh and I could add one more...

9) we have to have fun together, and with each other (we laugh a lot, and we like doing the same things)

A sense of humor is a necessary evil. Especially when the stresses of life wants to take us down.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And the numbers keep coming...

10) we support one another, wrong or right. 

Ok this ones tricky. We are down with each other like 2 flat tires when we need to be... work problems, family problems, money problems.... but we also tell each other the truth. When we're full of crap and totally in the wrong, we're not afraid to say so. If nobody else will tell us the truth, we know without a doubt we'll hear it from one another.


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## Marvel212 (May 7, 2012)

I would have to agree with all ten. I think marriage isnt just about how you feel aka love. I think it is about support, honesty, knowing the other person as well as you know yourself. For example, my H when he is stressed out doesnt like to talk about it. I know this about him. He never told me. I know that when he comes home from work the last thing he wants to talk about is work. He loves how I'm more of a dork than he is and I am open about it. I know how to make him happy even when he is feeling like crap. Not only is it knowing each other you have to understand each other. I have a bad past so does he. We understand that we love our families but sometimes just wish they would focus on their lives instead of ours. I love my husband but there are times when I have to tolerate him because he gets on my nerves. Im sure he is the same way. If marriage was easy there would be no such thing as divorce. Just sayin'


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

To me marriage is a commitment between two people to share their lives together. The ups, downs, in-betweens. It means that we are committed to the family unit we’ve created…to the success of each member of our family..and the family itself. We are partners in all things. He is not above or beneath me, he is at my side. And I am at his side. 

I got married for legal reasons, not for religious reasons. We’d been together for 10 yrs before we married. We had our children by then. He wanted to marry me because…well, I got really sick and he thought I was going to die. This made him want to marry me. He said that if he was to die without us being married that I wouldn’t receive any vet’s benefits. Which I didn’t really care about but he did. So we got married. 

Contractually, it means that we are one in all legal matters. That it’s no longer just me or just him making decisions it’s *us* making decisions. 

Obligations have remained the same. He does his share and I do mine. There are times when the balance is off and either he does more or I do more…but normally it’s because one of us is sick or something.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Matty, it means what it means. As long as the two partners are both in agreement, it doesn't matter.

Me, personally, I agree with ABitMuch's list, but many people marry for financial security, or for social prestige, or to maintain their position in whatever cultural system they are trapped in.

The problem arises when the two partners do not agree -- which is the point you are getting at, right?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

This is a good question, I will have to give some thought and answer later 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Marriage.... to me .... is about living life to it's fullest potential....realizing your deepest dreams & when getting to the end of your life, looking back and feeling you didn't miss a thing. I am not the type who likes to be alone, I can be very independent MINDED.....but I take great Joy in sharing my life with another, and I'd take the opposite sex over family or friends anyday! 

I want someone to come home too, someone to laugh with, who can get me to laugh at myself, to cuddle up to movies with, to hold me when I am feeling down....cry with me, to share my hopes & dreams..... having this someone can even make our fears seem smaller somehow, someone who can listen to all my SH** & still love me anyway, someone I can trust who has my back & is my #1 fan....someone to hold me at night and make love to me....I am a giver & I craved someone to "give" too just as much.... I love being married. I am a huge romanticist at heart....and I found a man who is very very similar to myself in all of these things. What a blessing it has been. 

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my







... I also wanted the whole family package... The kids.... the trips to Disney, the camping trips, a house we can turn into a Home full of memories & laughter .... the chaos & the challenges that go along with all of this.


We wouldn't be where we are today- without the other by our side...we've worked hard to accomplish our every dream, through shoveling ditches together to me get probed, prodded & surgery in hopes of more children.... through the good times, some of the sadder times ... we've climbed the mountain together and it's a glorous place to be. We couldn't have done it without each other.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

lamaga said:


> The problem arises when the two partners do not agree -- which is the point you are getting at, right?


Exactly... 

Here's some background. My wife is from another country, and she was attending college when I met her. We were both young, and both in love, decided to tie the knot after only a year of dating. 

She grew up in a family where the mother was the provider, the husband pretty much a leech. I have been told numerous times that they wouldn't be married still, but they are still together for their daughter. (i'm not sure why you would tell your kid that, i think it defeats the purpose). The dad was pretty much a bum, spent a bunch of money on useless stuff, and there was (what I can tell) a fair amount of resentment from the mom. As such, mom was working a lot, instilled in my wife a lot of independence, and probably some subconscious damage to her perception of relationships. Mom would do just fine without dad, so that means that you don't need men. 

i grew up in a religious household, mom was a SAHM, and dad was the provider. mom never did anything without dad, and dad was the sole decision maker. mom did all the house chores, motherly duties, etc... never went out with friends outside of the occasional blue moon..... they had a great relationship on the outside, never fought in front of the kids, and generally had everything figured out and were unified on all fronts. 

so imagine my surprise, 6 years later, my wife and i are having issues. i think it has much less to do with the thermastat setting that so many of you believe in (personally, the whole hot/cold, change your behavior to manipulate your SO is wrong on so many levels, and not psychologically sound advice ...)... I'm hot, she's cold. 

I'm the one to show a lot of love, want to do things with her, for her, etc.... 

Her, on the other hand is very independent, down right selfish if you ask me... but... that's from MY perspective. why...?

because her perception of what marriage is, is completely opposite from what mine is. 

I think ours should be like my parents... and I can't understand why she wants to spend so much time with her friends and not me... so much time doing things she wants instead of what i want. 

she thinks hers is like her parents... 

so, why do we have issues... is it a thermastat thing? no... i don't have to play games with her. we just need to talk about what marriage means to US now... if she thinks it's supposed to be like her parents, and i think it's supposed to be like my parents... well, we're doomed. you have to decide together what you need your relationship to be. 

that's my point. (my current opinion right now i guess.) but i think it's important to understand what the other persons perception of a relationship should be, and then work off of that. 

any thoughts?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anyone?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You two have to meet in the middle of both perceptions. Have you broken it down to her the way you see it and the way you think she sees it? If so, does she feel a need for change the way you do? 

From the way you have described it, it sounds like she's perfectly happy with your relationship as is, and is completely unaware of how divided you feel.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> From the way you have described it, it sounds like she's perfectly happy with your relationship as is, and is completely unaware of how divided you feel.


:iagree:

Up till now, she has been content with being independent and you have been content showering her with your love and not getting a whole lot in return. All that's changed is that you are a bit more aware now, and it looks lopsided to you now.

Just remember, the wrong way to approach this is "Wow, we've been broken for so long.", whereas a better way would be, "I realize I am changing the rules now, but here is what I need and why I need it." She may not like the new rules and you need to be ready to accept some conflict coming your way and be prepared for the both of you to make serious compromises if you pursue this issue.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mattyjman said:


> so, why do we have issues... is it a thermastat thing? no... i don't have to play games with her. we just need to talk about what marriage means to US now... if she thinks it's supposed to be like her parents, and i think it's supposed to be like my parents... well, we're doomed. you have to decide together what you need your relationship to be.
> 
> that's my point. (my current opinion right now i guess.) but i think it's important to understand what the other persons perception of a relationship should be, and then work off of that.


I personally don't think our parents Marriages & mistakes need to be a big influence on HOW we turn out at all.. I came from Divorced parents (married in their teens - too quick, didn't have anything in common- a trainwreck that lasted 9 yrs)....Compatibility -nearly ZERO. My dad went on to marry the love of his life -ironically her best friend. I did witness a healthy free flowing love between the 2 of them... always Romantic & so into each other... but she was very mean to me, so I didn't give a care about their marraige.... I had my own dreams.

My Husband watched his Father rarely being home, hanging out with his buddies....& working 2 jobs or more... most of his childhood.... always on the go -cause his Mom was such a HOARDER (and yes, I believe this was the main reason).... he was near embarrassed of his own house...but didn't put his foot down enough... he let her have her own way. The Junk was there contention... she was wrapped up in the kids & her stuff...while he seemed to need an escape (he came from spotless relatives).... they remained married to the end, I don't think my husband ever seen them kiss...no physical affection ever displayed. 

My husband is nothing like his Dad or Mom in those "bad" things but I can see parts of each of their personalities in him -but for the GOOD ....and I am surely nothing like my Mom. We made our own way, we both learned from our parents mistakes... We need to say to ourselves......What we grew up with was NOT healthy... and it doesn't define us in any way.

Look for those good inspirational examples in your life, maybe some older relatives, some friends....ask those people what their secrets are .... learn from them.... My Grandma was an influence on me, and witnessing some others marraiges. 

Here is how we feel ...

Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend. 

Every marriage needs a good "foundation"... kinda like this scripture ...


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Your post, since I got married young, 21. Made me go back and read through my wedding vows.. boy do they have so much meaning that I didn't have a clue about then, but now ten years and two kids later I get... fully. Marriage to me is having a partner for life, a partner through everything, the good the bad, the laughter and the tears. Marriage is love, a deeper love than you dream of as a child, but a love that you must nurture and take care of... I always thought that love would always be there, now I realize without the proper care, it will die, just like a rose bush. Marriage is the deepest friendship, you can share all your secrets, fears, happiness, it should be your safe place, your soft place. Of course it is a journey, full of learning, and change too... so it's full of surprises. But with regards to the commitment it should be forever, good and bad, sickness and health, just like the vows say. Forsaking all others, I believe if someone is unhappy they should first turn towards the marriage to fix things not seek solstice outside of it.


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## LillyoftheValley (May 18, 2012)

A commitment to love another human being no matter what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

Marriage is about being content and happy. Marriage is also about knowing that people aren't perfect and you can't mold somebody into being the perfect spouse. You are going to have your issues but you have to work through them if you truly love eachother. Sacrifice, unconditional acceptance for who they are as a person. Don't try to change them. I know because I've tried to change my wife in certain ways and it lead to making things worse with her addictions. I'm no marriage expert, I am probably headed towards a divorce in the near future but my IDEA of marriage is just being with somebody that you are content to spend the rest of your life with and accepting them for who they are and who they want to be. There will always be issues but you need to work through them if you both love eachother. When one side doesn't want to work as hard as the other thats not a marriage. Thats where my mind is right now, even though I love her to death, Im not in a marriage. Its totally one sided and her efforts have been minimal. It has to be mutual amount of humility, compromise, love and respect for it to be real.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Guess who's back after a couple months off? 

I don't think marriage is a mandate to get the things in ABM's top 10. I say this because my parents were together for 20 years before they got married, and they only did it as it was required for my father to move to the States after my mom did. They did all those things that were in that top 10.
Now, my wife cheated on me when we were just dating, which to me is the most important time in a relationship because that is when you are establishing the foundation. Marriage is sustainment mode, which requires you to just continue doing the things that made you fall in love, but it shouldn't now make you better, you should have been better from the beginning. So to my wife, her cheating before marriage is not as bad as me cheating after, well, to me its on the same level. To me, marriage doesn't define a relationship based on what I grew up seeing. my partent's partnership and love was not needed to be defined by a piece of paper. Luckily, where we lived, you didn't need to be married to own a home together, etc. And while my wife's parents, they were married from the beginning and were miiiiiserable. So I don't know, marriage does something to people, and it's not for everyone.


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## 4uandme2 (Jul 22, 2012)

First of all you have to be best friends, be able to share your life with that person. Understand that we each have our own secrets that we don't want to share. Have trust is each others lives no matter where we might be at separate times. My husband and I are as different as chalk and cheese, he is quiet, I am outgoing, I am a romantic, he isn't, but when he says he loves me I know he means it. Anything he loves I dislike and anything I love he dislikes, but it works because we let each other be our own person. Don't try to control each other or treat each other as your own personal possession, just let each of you be yourself and never try to change one another. "Don't walk in front of me I may not follow. Don't walk behind me I may not lead, just walk beside me and be my friend".
But marriage binds us together not as one but as 2 people travelling in the same direction. You don't have to be the same or like the same things or have everything in common for marriage to work. Just respect each others differences and be there for each other.


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

For me, personally, it means spending the rest of my life with my best friend.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

The only way I know how to answer this is:

I got married because I was in love with my husband and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted a companion in life. I wanted someone to sleep next to me at night that I loved and would cuddle up to and just be with. 

I wanted someone to raise my children with me and be a team - partners in marriage and child-rearing. I wanted someone to cuddle with in front of the TV while watching a movie. I wanted someone who liked who I was and would show interest in me as a person and who would support my dreams and beliefs no matter what they were. Someone to hold me when I was going through hard times, to comfort me in hard times. Someone I could run to and know he would take care of me when I needed it. A friend, a partner in life. 

And in turn I would do all and be all the same for him.


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