# Guy speak: telling your wife she's attractive



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Is attractive a nice way of saying the woman isn't pretty or hot? I feel attractive is not really a compliment coming from the spouse. I tell my husband I find him sexy or hot, and his reply is often "I'm attracted to you to", "I love you", or "you have a pretty face".

I feel that's an adjective you'd use on a stranger, not your wife. Am I wrong or overthinking this?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Have you ever heard him call other women hot or sexy? Some people just don't like to use those words. They find it awkward or something, I don't know. He could feel that way about compliments in general.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

snowbum said:


> Am I wrong or overthinking this?


Maybe, maybe not…

When my wife is looking good I will tell her she looks “great” or “hot” but I probably wouldn’t use “sexy” because unless it’s time to get busy she’s not going to react great to it.

The context is important. If she’s getting ready for work she doesn’t want someone telling her how sexy she is, she’s thinking about her meetings and such. In which case the appropriate compliment is something like, “I like your outfit!” Even this will slightly throw her off but not bad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sounds fine to me. Dont worry about it.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I don't recall ever hearing him saying another worman is hot or sexy in conversation with me, or overhearing it.
He's said he thinks I'm pretty, but never hot or sexy (verbally). Which makes me wonder if I'm not that in his eyes, and what I can do about it. And if he's just not that into me, what can I do?

I told him I find him and him alone sexy. His response was he loves me more than anyone. Which is great, but I want to be desired.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

OP have you tried just telling him the words to use? He might be uncomfortable about how you’d react. This could backfire badly and he refuses to do it, but if you need to hear the words just tell him to say it. Either way you find out more information.

You could also just ask him point blank why he never says you’re sexy and see what he says if it’s bothering you.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I don't recall ever hearing him saying another worman is hot or sexy in conversation with me, or overhearing it.
> He's said he thinks I'm pretty, but never hot or sexy (verbally). Which makes me wonder if I'm not that in his eyes, and what I can do about it. And if he's just not that into me, what can I do?
> 
> I told him I find him and him alone sexy. His response was he loves me more than anyone. Which is great, but I want to be desired.


I’m with CC on this one. If my wife is getting ready for work, I’ll say that she looks very nice and her outfit looks great. Maybe I’ll say I really like the way she did her hair this morning (and I do. I love her hair).

if we are laying in bed, I don’t care if she’s wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt. She is sexy as all hell to me and I tell her - even if she says, “but I’m just in sweatpants!” And I say, “but what we took them off?”


if you want to hear these words from your husband, what does he say when you ask him?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Wanting your man to be your perfect soul mate is not realistic.

If you nit-pick down to the skin you will draw ire, and bad blood; thus, you will drive your lover away.

You are overly anxious, down to the bone, on every matter.

Proper criticism has its limits.

Your insecurity is that _sooo_ hungry beast.

_Virgo _is the most critical of Astrological signs.
You may have ruling planets in this sign.
Dunno, just a WAG.

_Cancer _and _Pisces_ come to mind, as being overly sensitive and insecure.
_Scorpios _are also critical but are normally dominant.

My two cents, my 6th sense.



_Lilith-_


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I woud talk to him about it when you are both calm and relaxed. Ask him without being accusatory. You could alternatively look at Love Languages together. It might help you to understand him better and vice versa. It sounds like you need some confirmation that he finds you attractive. Some people find it easier to show rather than tell. How is your sex life? Are things satisfying and frequent? Who initiates most of the time?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

If there is something you NEED from him (to be called sexy or hot or whatever) then you could also take the route of just saying that to him. Assuming he is attracted to you, you could gently tell him that you need the words, not just the action?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Alternate suggestion if direct communication doesn't work for you for some reason.

I compliment my wife, but then I also listen & watch for her response.

If you don't want to directly tell him words you like as others have mentioned, try responding to his comment with a "guiding" type of comment.
I can take a hint of it's in my face enough.

Example:
me: "Hey babe those jeans look good"
her: "Just good? that's it?" <I know next time the compliment wasn't strong enough for her>

me: "I'm attracted to you"
her: "attracted? why?" <she wanted more direct words rather than the gentler word 'attractive'>

me: "what a nice day"
her: "talk dirty to me" <ha ha, I had to toss this one in>

You get the idea.

*I whole heartly advocate for direct conversation*, but helping me figure things out like this is also reasonable, maybe a baby step in the right direction.

Bottom line is that he is communicating his feelings and desires to you in the way he knows how. You have to help him to meet in the middle with what you need.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Words don't mean crap....I barely talk to anyone....Actions are what you need to be concerned about...


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

If he never compliments your body I’d say that is odd. Maybe cut back on the running (makes you skinny) and start lifting weights/gaining weight for some curves.

Pretty much every time I see my wife in jeans I’m dumbstruck and utter something like “you are rocking those jeans”… can’t help myself.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Words don't mean crap....I barely talk to anyone....Actions are what you need to be concerned about...


Ha ha, yea, it's hard to argue with fundamental truths.

I only care about words because _she_ cares about words and needs to hear certain things for validation and reassurance, plus I need to let her know what I like and don't like.
Maybe that's not the perfect human condition, but it is what is real.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

everybody has their own language.
For a while i though rubbing my wife's butt would convey love, but she thought it was "groping her". go figure.

probably a small present every other week. maybe some flowers, or a scratch ticket of the type she likes....


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Some food for thought - when I was married, my husband would brag in front of others that he would take his hot wife home and make love to her. Meanwhile we were having zero sex, and he was hooking up with other women. So...if he is a good person, you have a satistfying sex life, and otherwise don't have major issues in your relationship, maybe this one issue of word choice is less important? After all, he could say it, and NOT be into sex with you. What matters for him might be SHOWING you he's attracted to you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm not skinny. I'm a 12/14 and 36 C. So I'm not a skeleton

I've also been feeling less than sexy when I try to start relations and he tells me he's tired and wants to get busy in the morning. Nothing says sexy like hearing that it's not going to work. I'd say once a week he's tired, or wants it another time.

I'm ready to not initiate at all anymore and just see how long he'll go We're still having sex 2-4 times a week,but being in the mood to hear "not working right now" or "I'll be better later" makes me think any of these things:
1. I'm not sexy
2. There's someone else
3 porn which I've never caught and he is on his devices infront of me and I know they aren't portn
4. He's not into me


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Am I wrong or overthinking this?


Not you are not wrong. When he tells you that you are attractive to him, he's telling you that you just don't make it for him. He tells you that just so that he can give you the minimum that he can give you, so that you don't go into full overblown mode. 
There, you have it now. Isn't this what you wanted to hear. OK, now you're validated.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think actions speak louder than words. My wife knows I'm attracted to her because It is obvious by the way I act towards her regardless of what I say.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Men are dumb, you have to spell out exactly what you want from us. Literally tell him the words you'd like him to say.

"Hey hubby, I love when you call me sexy or hot."

When my wife looks good I'll grab her butt and say, damn you look sexy today. Keep it playful and fun.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I used to call my XW "my little toe" when she was looking especially good. Why? Because I wanted to bang her on every piece of furniture in the house. Made her smile everytime! But hey, that's just what worked for me.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I'm not skinny. I'm a 12/14 and 36 C. So I'm not a skeleton
> 
> I've also been feeling less than sexy when I try to start relations and he tells me he's tired and wants to get busy in the morning. Nothing says sexy like hearing that it's not going to work. I'd say once a week he's tired, or wants it another time.
> 
> ...


If I read your posts correctly, I think that you are not receiving words of affirmation from your husband as often as you would like and in a way that you would like. 

If that's the case, then why not just tell him what you would like to hear from him? I have a feeling that he does not know what's going through your mind and may not know what it is that you'd like to hear. 

I'd also suggest not to run this experiment that you've described above. My worry is that it has a potential to cause discord in a relationship. It's best to do things that would avoid discord instead of doing something that could cause discord or at least a feeling of being uncomfortable. Say he goes a couple hours more than what you've set the deadline to. This is likely going to make you unhappy or resentful and that very well may not have been his intention at all. 

What I'm saying is that your husband may very well be clueless about what it is that you'd like to hear from him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I'm not skinny. I'm a 12/14 and 36 C. So I'm not a skeleton
> 
> I've also been feeling less than sexy when I try to start relations and he tells me he's tired and wants to get busy in the morning. Nothing says sexy like hearing that it's not going to work. I'd say once a week he's tired, or wants it another time.
> 
> ...


Or

5. He just isn't interested in sex at the moment. 

Everyone has their own sweet spot, but 2-4x per week is pretty damn good. Certainly at or above the average. You appear to be more spontaneous desire and he has more responsive desire. One thing for sure, if you stop initiating it will NOT increase the frequency of your sexual encounters. The RD spouse isn't just going to pick up the slack. 

How is it that you initiate? Do you take action or just ask? The general rule of initiation is never ask, the answer will most likely be no. He just isn't turned on at that moment. You have to do something to get him turned on.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

With frequent sex and him telling you that he thinks you are attractive and have a pretty face, I honestly think you should be looking at this from an optimistic / glass half full view. You have it pretty good, and you should tell him that. Thoughts that he's not into you etc are just low-self esteem type thoughts and are fully cancerous to a relationship. If you says those things or act that way, eventually it will become true.

The idea of not initiating at all anymore is a terrible one and will only do damage to your relationship.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@snowbum I glanced through your post history; wow you're really insecure. To me it sounds like your insecurity is having a detrimental impact on your marriage. My own marriage would be at risk if my wife was as insecure (ie...didn't trust me) as much as you. I don't mean that to be harsh, just honest.



snowbum said:


> FWIW, we did go to counseling together (my first session). The counselor met with both of us for 2 hours (we did intake forms/surveys) and HE (counselor) said *"I don't sense infidelity, I sense insecurity" which is why I'm in1:1 counseling. Counselor didn't think MC was needed so much as I needed to resolve my issues.*


This 100%.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I'm not skinny. I'm a 12/14 and 36 C. So I'm not a skeleton
> 
> I've also been feeling less than sexy when I try to start relations and he tells me he's tired and wants to get busy in the morning. Nothing says sexy like hearing that it's not going to work. I'd say once a week he's tired, or wants it another time.
> 
> ...


Sometimes your significant other just doesn’t have the same drive as you. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Nothing. There very well could Also be nothing wrong with your husband. He may not be doing anything bad either (porn use when he should be with you or cheating).

you said you are still having sex 2-4 times a week. I guarantee you that is above average for most married couples. I am personally like you. I would like more, but the 3-4 times a week that my wife and I have sex is good. It is our compromise. She has less drive than I do.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

@snowbum I've read most of the 25 threads you've made in the last 2 months. My wife was acting in a similar way to you. Everything you say is very familiar. My wife now takes an SSRI and it has been life changing. When I read your posts, anxiety and everything that comes with it is blaring at me.

Don't make excuses for why you don't need it because you do. I'll tell you directly as someone that dealt with a spouse with these types of issues, that you need to deal with it or you will lose your marriage. Your brain is creating a lot of painful situations that just don't need to happen.

The spinning thoughts and worries you have don't need to be there.... they will reduce or go away in about 4 to 6 weeks of an SSRI.

Talk to your therapist about whether he thinks you would benefit from anti-anxiety meds...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> everybody has their own language.
> For a while i though rubbing my wife's butt would convey love, but she thought it was "groping her". go figure.
> 
> probably a small present every other week. maybe some flowers, or a scratch ticket of the type she likes....


Yes, those scratch-snatch ideas are the ticket.

Most men are gropers, some are groupers, with that group, huddling and slowly swimming and stirring along the wall at dances.

Many men talk silently with their hands and their lips.
There is a tension in them that acts as lock-jaw during foreplay.

The last thing that comes to mind is verbiage.
They literally need to shift gears to talk.



_KB-_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When he says he finds you attractive he means he finds you attractive. Sounds like he finds you attractive 😉


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just from one female perspective, I always found it awkward when guys would come in about physical attractiveness. The way I like to be told about it is just like if I'm ready to go someplace with them and they just say, You look nice. Just low key stuff. I think I take random flattery as a little too calculated. 

But obviously everybody is different and some women like to be gushed over.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> I used to call my XW "my little toe" when she was looking especially good. Why? Because I wanted to bang her on every piece of furniture in the house. Made her smile everytime! But hey, that's just what worked for me.


You know I’m going to steal this now, right?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Help him out a bit. If he says you are attractive, ask "attractive? Or smoking hot??" Unbutton a few buttons on your blouse when you ask. Toss your hair around. Sultry look. Play around with him a little or else he'll be really confused. You have to give him positive feedback for trying if he says anything that's a step closer to what you're looking for. If possible, flash your boobies. Men usually respond well to that


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> You know I’m going to steal this now, right?


Be my guest!🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

snowbum said:


> *Is attractive a nice way of saying the woman isn't pretty or hot? * I feel attractive is *not really a compliment *coming from the spouse. I tell my husband I find him sexy or hot, and his reply is often "I'm attracted to you to", "I love you", or "you have a pretty face".
> 
> I feel that's an adjective you'd use on a stranger, not your wife. Am I wrong or overthinking this?





snowbum said:


> *I'm not skinny. * I'm a 12/14 and 36 C. So I'm not a skeleton
> 
> I've also been feeling less than sexy when I try to start relations and he tells me he's tired and wants to get busy in the morning. *Nothing says sexy like hearing that it's not going to work.* I'd say *once a week he's tired, or wants it another time.*
> 
> ...


First, if you are having sex 2 to 4 times a week, he finds you attractive, very attractive and sexy.

Second as Joan has told you if you want a specific complement, ask for it. Don't play 20 questions with him where he has to guess the right word with no help from you.  While we are on that topic, using sex as a weapon by denying it when you might want it is just unspeakable.

Third, your husband is a human being, you are having sex 2 to 4 times a week. Men typically have "morning wood" and perform better sexually in the morning. If he asks you to delay making love until the morning, he is absolutely not rejecting you. He is human and may really have things on his mind that would keep him from enjoying sex as much as he wants to, he may really be tired. Give him a break.

Fourth, at least in the USA, between 1/3 to 40% of the adult population is obese. An additional 1/3 of the population is overweight. Being skinny and being a size 10 or smaller is an indication that you would be very unusual. Having said that sexy is much more about your attitude than your dress size. A lot of men prefer women like you. A joke/phase I have heard is "Why is a skinny girl like a pair of blue jeans with no pockets? Because there is absolutely no place to put your hands." Try doing some affirmations or self hypnosis to cure your insecurity problems and convince yourself that you are a beautiful and sexy woman. If you keep demanding your husband's constant sex and affirmations, he will tire of it as it is a sign of insecurity and codependency on your part.

Finally, to the initial question, about saying someone is "attractive." It is far better to say why you find a woman attractive. Telling her that she has pretty eyes, you really like the way her make-up shows off her eyes, she has the most beautiful breasts or butt that you can't keep your eyes off of, that she smells great, or that you love the softness and warmth of feeling her skin against you............are far better things to say as they are specific as to what really attracts you to her. However, as I started this, if the two of you are having sex 2 to 4 times a week, his actions are telling you that he is really attracted to you. So you should take a step back and realize that if his lack of being specific is the worst thing going on in your relationship, things are pretty darn good, if not great. Read some of the other TAM posters and count your blessings in comparison to what others are dealing with.

Just as an aside, Dr. David Schnarch in his series of controversial relationship books, like to point out that in any marriage there is no right amount of sex. That is what might be too little sex for one couple might be way too much sex for another couple. In fact a woman who feels that 4 times a week with one man is not nearly enough, might find that 4 times a week is way too much sex in a week with a different marriage or a different time in a marriage. Not many stay at home moms of 2 or 3 very small kids has the energy, time, of focus to have sex every day, no matter how much of a stud they married. Every aspect of marriage has a negotiated compromise on the amount of just about everything. This includes who does the laundry, how often the couple should eat steak a week (or month), how often they should have cake after dinner, how often they should go on vacation, and how often to make love. It is all negotiated. Negotiated means the two of you have discussed it and agreed. It is not on imposing their values on the other.

Good luck.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I don't know how your husband can live with you and your insecurities. It would drive me insane!!!!

It seems whatever your husband does is not enough or suspicious. What do you want from the poor man?

If my husband said I'm attractive, I'd feel pretty good. Personally, I like it better when he says he loves me, but that's me. 

My husband is unique and I know he finds me attractive without really telling me. I know he does things to make me feel good, sexy, etc. You should know by now if your husband finds you sexy without telling you. Maybe he's a guy who does things instead of saying them. 

I think you're pushing your husband away with so many insecurities.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Is attractive a nice way of saying the woman isn't pretty or hot? I feel attractive is not really a compliment coming from the spouse. I tell my husband I find him sexy or hot, and his reply is often "I'm attracted to you to", "I love you", or "you have a pretty face".
> 
> I feel that's an adjective you'd use on a stranger, not your wife. Am I wrong or overthinking this?


Every person is different. The natural response to a complement is usually to echo the compliment back. But, while I tell my wife she is "smoking hot" and "sexy", her response might be "that is the male animal talking" or "that is my love muffin" (whatever a "love muffin" is). She just uses more nuanced language and subtle responses. Using my words would seem too overt in her mind. Her ACTIONS show me that she is very attracted. As in she has always been responsive.

So just because your husband doesn't echo your complements exactly doesn't necessarily mean anything. You ought to know your husband well enough to know what his language is like. If he refers to another female as "hot" or "sexy", then it may be an issue. I honestly think you are overthinking it. 

Forget his words. How does he respond to you with his ACTIONS? If he is paying you as much attention as you can handle, why do you care how he verbally responds to a complement? And if he ISN'T paying attention, then words don't matter then either.

I just noticed he isn't answering your call as often as you would like, to the point you are planning to "teach him a lesson". That won't help your relationship one bit! How about just having a "frank and honest" discussion?

Have forgotten your ages, but if he is over 45 then his age may be weighing on performance. And most men are very reluctant to admit they are having problems with that. You mentioned your size as 12/14 36C, which I can't translate into anything. I know nothing about women's dress sizes but 36C implies you are a big girl. If you haven't *suddenly* gained a bunch of weight then would doubt that has anything to do with him not answering the call. And, if you have gained a bunch recently, you can fix it with exercise, and need to get to work getting healthy and trim. Go online and calculate your BMI. That will tell you what needs to happen.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He just isn't turned on at that moment. You have to do something to get him turned on.


Which for most men is easily accomplished lol.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

To respond to the comments about "doing something", I do do things. I wear nice pjs/lingerie, we make out, we massage one another, I am not at all opposed to oral.

I know I need to lose weight. I've lost 12-13 pounds since summer, and I eat healthy. I literally eat cut veggies and tbsp of hummus for snack and salad with minimal dressing for lunch. I've been running 4 miles 5 times a day which is how I lost the weight. I'm working to a half marathon, so I'm aware that I need to work out.

As for "bigger girl" I was a 36 b when I got married 25 years ago and wore an 8/10. I want to get down to 150. To some that's ginormous. For me, that's a ladies medium and size 10. I've never been smaller than a size 8 and then I was 130 pounds. I also lived on Slim Fast and coffee, fwiw. I'm not starving to lose 40 pounds at the age of 50


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> To respond to the comments about "doing something", I do do things. I wear nice pjs/lingerie, we make out, we massage one another, I am not at all opposed to oral.
> 
> I know I need to lose weight. I've lost 12-13 pounds since summer, and I eat healthy. I literally eat cut veggies and tbsp of hummus for snack and salad with minimal dressing for lunch. I've been running 4 miles 5 times a day which is how I lost the weight. I'm working to a half marathon, so I'm aware that I need to work out.
> 
> As for "bigger girl" I was a 36 b when I got married 25 years ago and wore an 8/10. I want to get down to 150. To some that's ginormous. For me, that's a ladies medium and size 10. I've never been smaller than a size 8 and then I was 130 pounds. I also lived on Slim Fast and coffee, fwiw. I'm not starving to lose 40 pounds at the age of 50


So it sounds like you are essentially where you were at 25, but not where you want to be. And running will get you where you want to go, besides improving your stamina. Again, the BMI is the key metric. 2 decades ago my BMI was 35. That is obese. With aerobic exercise ( running ) I got it to 22, or normal in 18 months, and have held it there since. The 'right' weight depends on your height and body type. And dieting won't do the job IMO. Exercise is the key. So work toward a 1/2 marathon, and then maybe a full marathon. 

What you are working on will do nothing but help your confidence.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You should work to be happy with your body for health and longevity. My wife is gradually losing weight and so far she is looking better but she will hit a point where it isn’t looking better at least not to me (don’t worry I will tell her as she has no trouble telling me when I drop too much, she doesn’t like me below 225).


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Am I wrong or overthinking this?


Snowbum, you overthink _everything!_


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

It sounds like he never initiates? This is complimentary in itself so is that what’s lacking?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

snowbum said:


> Is attractive a nice way of saying the woman isn't pretty or hot? I feel attractive is not really a compliment coming from the spouse. I tell my husband I find him sexy or hot, and his reply is often "I'm attracted to you to", "I love you", or "you have a pretty face".
> 
> I feel that's an adjective you'd use on a stranger, not your wife. Am I wrong or overthinking this?


I say sometimes tell her she is attractive, some times tell her she is cute, some time tell her she is hot, and sometimes tell her she is a goddess.

That being said you want the words that come out of his mouth to be his words and sincere. Does his actions line up with his words?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Do YOU feel hot and sexy?

Because I'm betting you don't.

And if you are looking for him to validate feelings that you don't have for yourself? That is straight up sabotage. You get to shift the discomfort of being dissatisfied with yourself, to being dissatisfied with him.

Validating, and demonstrating love and affection enthusiastically definitely lights the fire in any relationship ... right up until it doesn't. And then it requires some hard questions. Starting with hard questions you need to ask yourself, rather than focusing on your partner.

That said, based on your description of his 'it isn't working right now ...' line, I'm presuming he is likely not in the best shape either. Yet ... you guys are still rocking and rolling between 2 and 4 times a week? That number is likely to make most members here envious.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

More info:

Someone asked if dh isn't initiating. No, he's really not. I'll mention "alone time" or express interest and he's game for the most part. Sometimes tired, what have you.

The other night that it didn't happen, he went to a work event prior. Mentioned meeting people from other team, etc. I knew some, didn't push it. So he came home, we were cuddling, etc and he that's when he said it wasn't going to happen. I had a hunch the coworker I thought might have interest in him was there but I didn't ask then, and he didn't offer.

The next day I asked if she was there. He said yes. I asked why he wouldn't share that , when he listed everyone else. He said he knew I'd get upset and should "assume" she was there.

So we discussed how trust issues and anxiety aren't fun, and how I'd rather learn to deal with stress than have him lie (by leaving things out).

Now I'm wondering if he didn't want sex because he'd been out with her for 4 hours.  Which could be paranoia, but could be true.

When I left for work, I happened to notice a tan blanket in the back seat of his car. We don't keep blankets in the car, and it's not my blanket. I didn't mention to him I saw this. Now I'm at work and it's driving me crazy.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

snowbum said:


> When I left for work, I happened to notice a tan blanket in the back seat of his car. We don't keep blankets in the car, and it's not my blanket. I didn't mention to him I saw this. Now I'm at work and it's driving me crazy.


Oops. Well that's a concern. Not a smoking gun but a red flag until you find out what that was about.
Other than intimacy issues, are there any other red flags or is this the first like this?
In your other threads you ask a lot about his behaviors that don't seem suspicious to me but you question them. Have any of those (ie phone under bed, etc) changed?


Edit to add:
I just realized that my questions aren't probably the best for someone with major paranoia issues in the first place.
DO NOT dwell on every single behavior to the point of it driving you bonkers!
You don't have to search for red flags or behavior changes, they are usually right in front of you.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Is he still skipping confession? Is that typical?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

snowbum said:


> Now I'm wondering if he didn't want sex because he'd been out with her for 4 hours. Which could be paranoia, but could be true.


It's paranoia.




snowbum said:


> When I left for work, I happened to notice a tan blanket in the back seat of his car. We don't keep blankets in the car, and it's not my blanket. I didn't mention to him I saw this. Now I'm at work and it's driving me crazy.


Why don't ask him directly?


snowbum said:


> I'll mention "alone time" or express interest and he's game for the most part.


If you mention alone time very often, you are not giving him a chance to ask for it. 


snowbum said:


> I had a hunch the coworker I thought might have interest in him was there but I didn't ask then, and he didn't offer.


If it's a work function the chances of her being there are high. Is that his fault? Do you want him to skip every work function? Do you want him to quit his job because you feel a "hunch" about this coworker liking him? How many jobs is he going to skip because you are jealous of women working with him?

Are you taking your medication? Have you told your therapist about your jealousy and body image insecurities?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So just because your husband doesn't echo your complements exactly doesn't necessarily mean anything. You ought to know your husband well enough to know what his language is like. If he refers to another female as "hot" or "sexy", then it may be an issue.
> 
> Forget his words. How does he respond to you with his ACTIONS? If he is paying you as much attention as you can handle, why do you care how he verbally responds to a complement? And if he ISN'T paying attention, then words don't matter then either.


I think this is key.
What's his natural language?
Reserved? 
What words does he use when describing sexy women generally?

If he's saving the reserved descriptions for you only, you may have a reason to doubt his attraction. 

Otherwise... 

This is how you tell him what you'd like to have him say in a -positive- way that men love to hear:

"I like it when you call me hot / (insert words here)" 

Not

"Why don't you ever call me hot?" 

See the difference? 
One is a very sexy 2x4 sized hint. 
The other is a nag, and becomes an obligation.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

First of all, my dh skips no work events and he goes to 90% of them without me. Probably at least every other week for a happy hour. I don't call when he's there, and I don't say he can't go.

He also has hobbies that he is active in weekly and again I don't go. So the speculation that I don't let him do things is bs. 

Had he said "by the way X will be there" since she's not on his team and just joined the meet up ( this was a team even, btw) I would have been able to process, realize that since he was mentioning it he wanted me to come to grips and respects that while people may not understand, this is a struggle for me.

He's been at the job 8 years, 20 years at last job, etc. Does not job hunt and does not miss things becasue of me.

This is the first person who's triggered me.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

People say listen to your gut. My gut spoke once in 27 years and now Im the over thinker? I over think this and the situation the last few months.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Straight up ask him where the blanket in the car you've never seen before came from. Take a black light to it if you're really that paranoid.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Straight up ask him where the blanket in the car you've never seen before came from. Take a black light to it if you're really that paranoid.


I agree with this. Get a black light to check for suspicious stains. If he's never had a blanket in the car before I would be suspicious too. He could have a good explanation if you ask. Also take a photo so he can't deny it. Could be innocent but I'd want to know.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I did ask. The answer was reasonable: for winter preparation. The thing is that we went to pick up a huge item last week and the seats had to be laid back. No blanket then. Now I haven't been in the car since then, so he could have put it in there the past week. I'll check it out, but letting it go for now.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I would add yes there’s some insecurity but relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. You directly affect your partner’s self-image and self esteem. Don’t think so? Compliment another woman in front of your partner.

Perhaps it’s an intimacy thing + loss of interest. Heartfelt compliments require vulnerability and intimacy in giving AND receiving. I have zero issue with mutual eye gazing sincere romantic and body-worship like compliments. My DW’s insecurity mutes her response. People lose physical attraction for their partners all the time. Sometimes provision and safety are waaaay more attractive. But you can’t ever say the quiet part out loud.

I’ll share what I’ve gotten over the last 20 years; goofy accents (think female version of Larry the Cable Guy”. “Mmmm, that’s sexy right thar.” Or “ooo look at these muscles” in baby talk. Total boner killer. After we married she said she loved my eyes and voice and honestly she could be with just any guy. Ouch. She won’t ever say the quiet part out loud which is my resources and safety are the most attractive. Instead saying that, she’d prefer to gaslight me as insecure if I we’re to complain about not getting compliments.

ETA: My DW has no problem with heartfelt compliments to our kids, her clients or friends. For some reason I’m different.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry sister but I think you have reason to be suspicious. The facts here:

1. Catholic hubby skipping confession.
2. “Four” hours is a long time for an after hours work get together. That’s way beyond getting a bite to eat. I’m not saying I think they were in the back seat of his car- but four hours indicates everyone is _really_ enjoying themselves as in drinks/laughter/romantic interests. I mean, when was the last time you went to grandmas and chatted her up for four hours straight?
3. Hubby never “initiating”- just not normal I’m afraid. Men with testosterone and attraction DO initiate.

Ok, not convinced he’s having an affair but am supportive of a wife being a bit suspicious here- no doubt.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Catholic Dad: My husband goes to confession at least twice year. That is the recommendation of the church. If he didn't commit a mortal sin, he doesn't have to confess. That's on him. If he Did? That's his soul and while I can pray for it and encourage him, he has free will. 

Second, there were at least 4 men and two women at the dinner he attended. It was dinner paid by a client who came in from out of state. Was it long? I guess, but there was a retiree that attended and a client that buys millions of dollars from my husbands firm. I could care less that he went, I care he didn't give me a heads up. His answer was he knew it would stress me. It did. He shouldn't have kept it.

Blanket: he did put blankets in the cars of all who live at our home. I didn't know that because I didn't check my trunk.

Now, could he have screwed around in a restraunt parking lot in zero degrees while the other people eat dinner? I guess. Bad form and people would talk, could get caught by other people, but it could happen. Thinking a day later, I doubt it.

As to the initiating, yes I initiate. To be fair, by the time the kids are in bed, etc, I'm in the mood and don't want to stay up too late so I might give him a kiss, come out of the bathroom in lingerie, etc. It doesn't take coaxing. I tell him I feel like I always initiate, he disagrees. He feels on several occassions it's mutual and we both start.

Do I find the whole thing a bit questionable? Yes. But having talked, I do lean more towards he handled not telling me wrong and I freaked out. As I said, he does want us to meet up because he believes when I do, I will realize this was all a nothing burger. Mind is racing and filling in details to make them fit.

Again, I could be wrong. But I'm not going to waste more time. I wasted enough. If he's lying it will get out.

And again, your frequency of confession is your deal. If he has the stones to go up for communion with lies and cheating on his soul ( I don' t think he would), he's the one dealing with it.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Catholic Dad: My husband goes to confession at least twice year. That is the recommendation of the church.


Fwiw, twice a year is like the bare minimum for confession. In actuality, frequent confession is encouraged (it’s a sacrament!) and frequent confession was a practice of many saints. Just offering this for other Catholics who may be reading.

Not saying hubby is a cheater but agree you have some reason to be suspicious- you’re not crazy or needing medication.


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## OLD GUY (12 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Is attractive a nice way of saying the woman isn't pretty or hot? I feel attractive is not really a compliment coming from the spouse. I tell my husband I find him sexy or hot, and  his reply is often "I'm attracted to you to", "I love you", or "you have a pretty face".
> 
> I feel that's an adjective you'd use on a stranger, not your wife. Am I wrong or overthinking this?


Women overthink stuff. I pay compliments to my wife & she replies "Your my husband. You are supposed to say that." This hurts. Makes me not want to say anything. A lot of times the spouse will disregard what the spouse says, but if a stranger says it, they like it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the obvious answer: you do not need to speak to tell your wife she is attractive to you. NON VERBAL cues from your body will let her know that, without any ambiguity.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Update:
We had a good weekend.. Dh initiated all weekend, and told me that my imagination is my biggest enemy. He reassured me that he does find me beautiful, and that the coworkers are just that, people he works with. He said they don't see each other much ( spread out in different ofifces, some 3 hours away).and remain professional. He said his love for me and respect for himself/spiritual beliefs mean he hasn't and wouldn't cheat.

Yes, he was out several hours on Wednesday. But as a I said, he was also meeting a manager from across the country , celebrating a retirement and hanging with the president and boss.

When we go out alone, staying out a few hours isn't unheard of. Do I think he'd hit on a woman in front of 10 other coworkers who've met me and are also religious? Most likely not, but if he did he'd be the one with the problem.

We are going away for a spa weekend alone, and he said he hopes we don't leave the room.

I'm a jealous person trying to overcome my issues. I do believe I have irrational insecurity I need to overcome.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

For what it's worth, we typically spend 4-5 hours at our parents talking on weekends. And again, there 8 guys and 2 women from the project there. The women worked together and when I first met them, were at their own table. I guess we're different because when my husband and I go out with friends, we're out 2-3 hours, and spend that much time alone on weekend dates.

These work events happen 2-3 times a year (with whole team)


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

snowbum said:


> Update:
> We had a good weekend.. Dh initiated all weekend, and told me that my imagination is my biggest enemy. He reassured me that he does find me beautiful, and that the coworkers are just that, people he works with. He said they don't see each other much ( spread out in different ofifces, some 3 hours away).and remain professional. He said his love for me and respect for himself/spiritual beliefs mean he hasn't and wouldn't cheat.
> 
> Yes, he was out several hours on Wednesday. But as a I said, he was also meeting a manager from across the country , celebrating a retirement and hanging with the president and boss.
> ...


Identifying areas where you can improve is a massive step toward making those improvements and is easier said than done.. it seems like a good thing that you are self-aware of where you want to improve.


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## pippo (Jan 12, 2022)

snowbum said:


> Is attractive a nice way of saying the woman isn't pretty or hot? I feel attractive is not really a compliment coming from the spouse. I tell my husband I find him sexy or hot, and his reply is often "I'm attracted to you to", "I love you", or "you have a pretty face".
> 
> I feel that's an adjective you'd use on a stranger, not your wife. Am I wrong or overthinking this?


Just my spin on this, as there can be many interpretations, attractive as a compliment has an emotional ring to it, and in no way a lesser compliment than say, sexy/hot. Attractive also implies a feeling of longer lasting/enduring emotion over sexy or hot. It is "deeper" than the compliments of both sexy /hot. Attractive conveys this compliment better, in my opinion, than sexy/hot. Pretty, is so so. Put on a different dress and she becomes pretty, kinda just a temporary condition. Depends. Anyway, attractive to me fits just nicely. Now, substitute pretty with beautiful, and you got a winner. Good luck, snow.


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