# Please help



## NotACop

I don't know what advice I'm seeking, but please give me a minute of attention. I don't know where else to go.

In super-short summary, I have been married now twice... recently now almost two years, and before that for 5 years. I have an 8 year old son (permanently with me) from another woman, and he knows my present wife as his mother.. I'm now married with another lovely 8 month old daughter. 

I am 6'4 and 230, so I've been trying to lose weight. As a Christmas present, my wife got me 10 sessions with a trainer to help me lose weight. She is a gorgeous redhead who spends many mornings at the gym.

As I lost nearly 10 pounds since Christmas, and he's been an amazing help. Then I learned that she's been... sleeping with... . We can leave out how I figured it out, but I'm an ex-cop, so I had the feeling something was up. I can't tell you the betrayal and fury I'm feeling, but I refuse to walk away from my kids. I even still love her, but I can literally tell no one in my life. But there's been texts, sexting, and pictures the like she hasn't sent me in years. I pushed the issue and asked to search her phone's deleted messages, and only then did she admit the infidelity.

So here I am, online, telling anyone that can listen. Can anyone offer advice? Leaving her isn't an option... honestly if it weren't for the kids I may, however I would never leave without them. I know I satisfy her in the short term (with that I needed tonight being evidence of it) however apparently i guess I did not do in the long term. Ladies... can you offer perspective? Guys.. any experience.? 

Thank you all... I couldn't tell anyone about this and It's literally killing me. I'm looking for advice about all of it. She cheated on me in the worst way, and as furious about it I feel, I know that I caused it by gaining weight that I needed to lose. The difference in 10 pounds caused her to... meet with him... at least three times she'll admit and I can prove. 

I seriously want to crawl under the floor and stop loving her. I, right now, do not earn enough to care for the kids. I left my job to go back to school for her. I want to take the kids and leave. However, I have no ability to do so. Help me understand her mindset! Thanks!


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## NotACop

To clarify (since my message deleted three times)... she cheated with my trainer. I found out by pulling up the "find my iphone" thing for her, which i NEVER use, and I found her at his gym when she said she was at a dinner. She lied and lied until I pinned her down. Turns out shes betrayed me at a minimum of three times, having sex with him. 

I love her and want to stay with her, though right now its 100% for the kids. She's begging me to stay, but I never saw it coming so I don't know how to trust her. We had a very satisfying sex life before, but I guess it wasn't enough.


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## Jponce06

Your 6'4" and 230lbs I doubt she cheated because of your weight. Did she set you up with that trainer then cheat or cheat then set you up. I can't imagine how disrespect if she cheated on you then had the guy who was porking her train you at the gym.


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## Sparta

OP i'm sorry that you found yourself in a situation, well isn't great someone that you're supposed to rely on dependent on someone that was supposed to have your back. Decided to stab you in the back. Do you not trust a word she is saying. Cheaters are liars she's going to Lie to you. she really doesn't want you to know the truth of how much she's really betrayed you. If she has told you three times will its a lot more. I repeat do not believe a word she is saying. How messed up is that guy that is training you what did you say to him.? 

There will be some good people to help guide you through this. If you want to get through this a lot quicker with less pain. When they suggest you do something do it. I can't tell you how many times people come here asked for help, they question it are they do the exact opposite. Finding themselves either in a worse position and prolonging the inevitable. Remember the people here have gone through exactly what you are going through right now. I feel for you buddy hang in there and take care of your children and yourself. If it were me the first thing I would do I would divorce her. now that doesn't mean that you have to go through it. Once you do that you take that the power. There will be more people coming hang in there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rzmpf

First, stop thinking it's your fault because you gained 10 pounds. It's not and you are even losing weight so there is ZERO justification for her to f... around.

Second, do you know if she was already in an affair with the OM when she set you up with him as your trainer? If yes, then it's not "only" about sex/weight/big ****/whatever, it's about humiliation. She was getting her rocks off knowing you would be trained by her OM. You didn't say if you pay him, if you are you are funding the affair from both sides (we know she is paying him). Needless to say that its still about humiliation if the affair started after you began training with him, but I really doubt that.

Third, if you think separation/divorce is not an option, then you can't do much about the situation. There is no reason for her to stop her activities because there are no consequences. Seems like she is using your love for your kids to humiliate you into being a cuckold. If you know that you can't satisfy her in the long run, why be in a marriage? You are 2 years married with a little baby and she has nothing better to do than having an affair? 

Did she stop the affair? Does she still go to the same gym? Is she still in contact with the OM? Do you still train with him (and pay him)? (I hope not) Does he have a wife/gf/?

Talk to a lawyer and prepare for a divorce. You need to break the power she currently has, she is using your kids to keep you in the marriage while f.. OM. You need to gain the initiative and get control of the situation.


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## MattMatt

Lostme said:


> I'm sorry you are here.
> 
> Why would you want to stay with a cheater just for the kids?
> 
> I know the initial shock is hard been there done that. But why on earth would you want to be with a woman that cheated on you with your trainer? If she wants to be together and you do as well, then you need to set some tough boundaries and you both need to go into counseling.
> 
> The most important thing is to not take the blame for her cheating, you have not done anything to cause your suse to drop her pants and spread her legs for someone else.


Lots of reasons some practical some emotional.

NAC, is her affair over?

If yes, then I will suggest counselling.

The purposes of counselling are varied. To save a marriage or to allow both parties to exit the marriage as gracefully as possible without any unnecessary drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter

Don't have to even read the other responses to tell you
(1) get that **** out of your head that this is your fault
(2) the minute you tell her and yourself that you CANNOT leave her you have given up even more dignity and have shown her there will be no consequences for what she did.
(3) you kids are vyou ing and that is not a good reason to subject yourself to being disrespected for years.

Does that mean you divorce. ??? Not necessarily. But it does mean.

YOUR WIFE QUITES THAT GYM IMMEDIATELY AND NEVER GOES ANYWHERE NEAR IT AGAIN

YOUR WIFE TURNS OVER EVERY PASSWORD SHE HAS ON ALL ELECTRONICS

AND IT IS YOUR WIFE'S JOB TO EARN HER WAY FOR YOU TO GIVE HER THE GIST OF STAYING WITH HER.

Now, if you want to play what is called the "pick me dance" you will find out that does not work too well, and she will wind up going underground with her boyfriend.

What makes this more disturbing is not only did she cheat on you, she did it with the guy she set you up with who is training you while he is banging your wife. That reeks of disrespect.

Do not believe anything she tells you right now because she is a proven liar. I hope you realize that.

I am also guessing that this outstanding citizen who was banging your wife is not married. If he is, and she better tell you, then you tell his wife or girlfriend and you DO NOT tell your wife you are doing that.

Women very rarely just jump into bed with a guy so it is highly likely she was flirting and having an emotional affair with this guy for some time, which means there is a very good chance you may hear **** like

""I have feelings for him"
"Cann't we still be friends"

If you agree or pay any attention to anything like that you are going to get crapped on for a long time.

Lastly, since your wife probably has not told you the entire truth ( most do not when initially caught), you need to put a VAR in her can and a GPS on it, which can be done for less then $100. DO NOT TELL HER THIS. You will find out if they are still in contact in less than 72 hours.

If she has any girlfriends who knew about this or helped her by covering for her, THEY HAVE TO GO. They are enemies of your marriage.

Now you can disregard totally everything I just told you , some of which will probably also be recommended to you by others in different words.IF YOU DO THAT SEE WHERE IT GETS YOU.

Until your wife actually believes you will not tolerate any more betrayal of any kind, and that means talking to him or being anywhere near him, she will not do what is necessary to get you through this. And stay the hell out of MC until you know she is still not seeing him and can verify it. Otherwise , you are wasting your time and money


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## BobSimmons

Leaving is not an option..

Good luck then


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## DoneWithHurting

Uggg... another "Trainer" steals the wife story.

Sorry you are here. Your story has been told many times here on TAM.

Your W has disrespected you in the worst way.

You can't save your marriage until you are ready to lose it. Take back your power.

Start divorce proceedings and shake her out of the affair fog. And alert everyone at his gym that he feeds off married women.


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## Satya

I just want to reiterate another poster's sentiments.

She did not cheat because you're overweight. That's like agreeing when a fat person says, "McDonald's made me fat." 

Your wife CHOSE to have an affair. 

Just like you CHOSE to allow weight gain into your life. 

One did not cause the other, they were both choices you each made. 

Good job on your weight loss. I hope that you were improving yourself for YOU, not because you wanted to impress her. 

You'll get all kinds of advice here. I am never a fan of staying in a sham for the sake of children. They are smarter than we usually realize and often know when something is off between parents. They will learn from every single thing you do, so my only advice is to choose wisely.


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## PhillyGuy13

This is a good thread to read, cover to cover.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

To echo other posters: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

10 pounds, 100 pounds, doesn't matter. SHE chose to disrespect you and your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

Why do you feel you can't tell anyone who knows you what is going on?

You should consider shouting it from the rooftop in order to put a swift end to it.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

This battle was lost before it ever began.


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## MJJEAN

As a woman married to a man struggling with his weight, let me agree with the others. Your weight had nothing to do with your wife screwing Mr Fitness trainer. She did that because she wanted to. Don't make excuses for her. There isn't any excuse.


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## bandit.45

If you are not willing to expose her or divorce her, then there is little we can do for you except let you vent.


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## GusPolinski

In don't get how 230 lbs is so egregiously overweight for 6'4" that it would prompt your wife to start f*cking the personal trainer _that she picked out for you_.

Unless, of course, she's _amazingly_ shallow.

Honestly, you should kick her to the curb. But, since you don't want to...

Is she _still_ cheating?

Has she gone no contact w/ the guy?

Have you confronted OM and/or exposed him to his wife/girlfriend/the gym?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

Jponce87 said:


> Your 6'4" and 230lbs I doubt she cheated because of your weight. *Did she set you up with that trainer then cheat or cheat then set you up. I can't imagine how disrespect if she cheated on you then had the guy who was porking her train you at the gym.*


This is what I'd want to know. If it was the latter, then that's just flat out sadistic.


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## ThePheonix

I agree with Gus et. al. that 6'4"" and 230 lbs is not egregiously overweight. I agree with others that unless she knows you're capable of calling it quits, your like a beggar on the street who's at the mercy of other people for food. You have nothing to bargain with which makes you powerless. Another cloud on the horizon is the possibility she just gives you the boot.

In respect to her mindset, my somewhat abundant experience with women over many many years has taught me there are two primary reasons women cheat. (and I've been beating this drum since I first signed on to this site) 

1. Some women (and probably more men) believe its ok to sleep with others as long as they play it close to the chest and no one is the wiser. They secretly believe there is nothing wrong with having something on the side. I had a client once that was married four times and slept with me on all four husbands. The third one, and without my knowledge, on the morning of the day they got married.
The last husband ditched her for her sister showing what goes around, comes around.
2. And most prevalent, those that cheat because they have little or no interest and respect for their husband.

You, my man, need to find out which category this attractive redhead falls into. Neither is good for you. Perhaps someone else has a third, forth, or fifth category that I'm unaware. But in any case, you have your work cut out for you.


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## bryanp

The fact that he is a trainer pretty much implies this is not his first rodeo
and is a player which means that you and your wife MUST get tested for STD's.

You do realize that you have a legitimate lawsuit against the fitness center that hired him.

What are the consequences to her actions? She clearly cannot go to that fitness center any more. It is clear that she has very little respect for you or your marriage. You need to contact an attorney just to understand your options.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so passive and accepting as you have been? IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## jnj express

make sure you expose the trainer, to the gym owner, and get him canned---------as everyone else stated---your weight did not cause your wife to run to another man------most likely if she also trained with him---the physical closeness tween them led to the PA----that is nothing else is a good reason to get this guy canned---he had to know she was married---and he is hitting on married women, via his job

If you do stay---make sure you do not sweep this under the rug---there has to be Accountability on your wife's part--and remorse-----you need to sit down and seriously find out WHAT CAUSED HER TO RUN TO ANOTHER MAN---if she has lost the passion for you after just 2 yrs of mge., then your mge., is in big trouble

Where you go from here, and how this plays out is UP TO YOU------as I said she needs to be Accountable, she needs to do whatever it takes on her part, to keep this mge going------at this point she is a terrible mother----for a good mother would not expose her children to the possiblity of split homes, and all that comes with a wrecked mge.-------Be careful how you proceed---if she percieves you as handling this weakly, she will cheat again, knowing she can get away with it, cuz you are doing nothing about what she has done


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## JohnA

Here is a great post from a member here 

Dropping the mike


Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropped"

Hat tip to @farside ?*


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## JohnA

You must expose or she and her fick buddy will destroy you 

From MB *espousal 101*

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?*

Originally Posted By: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."


Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip*

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here*

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.*

Exposure Timing
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.*

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Exposure Tactics

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.*

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.*

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.


Send the Evidence! Provide the evidence via email to your exposure targets. One ideal way to do this is to start up a website, upload your evidence and send out the link to everyone. This prevents the WS from denying there is an affair.

The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!*

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" *

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.*

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.*

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!

Here is the link*Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## 86857

OMG NotACop - Your WS is/was having an A with YOUR trainer, and you guys have a little baby who's only 8 months old? 
Doesn't get more twisted and ugly than that. Sounds like something a troll would write. 

On the practical side, cos I think it's too early to judge whether you want to leave or not - your emotions are in too much turmoil.
I'm wondering about your options - whether there's a way you COULD get custody and leave WS if you decided to. 
- you said can't afford to take the kids and leave her 
- does she work? Dunno where you live but maybe there's a chance of you getting full custody with WS supporting you?
- you should be able to retain full custody of your son without a problem as WS is not his natural Mom. 
- you went back to school 'for her'. Are you close to finishing? Will it be easy to get a job and well-paid enough for you to support the kids? 
- would you consider going back to your job as a cop? Would you be able to support the kids then?
- if so would you be able to look after the kids if you had full custody cos of the shifts etc? 
- have you got family close by if you had to do shifts? Remember it's easier to look after kids when they are asleep!
- don't let being a man put you off full custody. Dunno why society looks on it differently. Millions of single mothers raise kids and work full time!
- see a lawyer ASAP about what your chances of full custody are with WS paying child support. 
- you also need to figure out how you CAN make it possible financially, finishing school, going back to your old job etc 

I think you should try to explore your options eventhough you may feel defeated right now. You will get plenty of support on here.


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## JohnA

As to you can't divorce her: so if you cone home and find then in your bed, his stuff move in, and your stuff moved to your sons room YOU CAN'T DIVORCÉ ? 

By the way note the Doctor who wrote article about exposure maintains any child over the age of four be told the WS is engaged in an inappropriate relationship.


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## rzmpf

I would also test the baby's DNA to know if you are really the father. Your wife sent you to train with her OM, it doesn't seem beneath her to have you bring up someone elses child. She is a liar and could have easily had another affair 1.5 years ago.
I know that that is a painful thought, but knowing the truth regardless of the results of the test can help you tremendously. You either fight for youself and both your children or you see your wife in a new light and get motivated to fight for your new life and that of your son.


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## JohnA

Finally the fact she is begging you to stay does not change the fact you need to expose. You might shorten the list to parents avd gymn owner and hold off on the rest. 

It does not change you having to on your own read up on divorce laws in your state, see a lawyer using a free visit to confirm your findings, and developing a game plan for divorce. 

Avoid sex with her no matter how much you want to. It is the first step to rug sweeping. Sex at this point leads to hysterical bonding and the real issues get dropped. If you have started, stop with the explanation that you need resolution before you can e with her. A husband turning down a desperate with has a huge impact on her and to her ego. 

Your son, is he your's ex wife ? Why and what did you though during your first marriage? 

What are your's and your wife's ages? 

After you get the above squared away look into postpartum depression. Understand there may be contributing factors in her life but there are no justifications or excusses for adultery.


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## farsidejunky

JohnA said:


> Here is a great post from a member here
> 
> Dropping the mike
> 
> 
> Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*
> 
> I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*
> 
> If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.
> 
> Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropped"
> 
> Hat tip to @farside ?*


This isn't mine. I quoted it for the person who did, but his name escapes me.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## JohnA

Bye the way asking her if the daughter is your's is a way to throw her off balance and she might let info slip. As in "absolutely not we started talking while I was pregnant but didn't get physical until 6 months ago. Follow up with "the pictures how do you know he has not or will not post them on line or share them with buddies. Her answer might be "they were only topless and from the side, I made sure even if I was not wearing panties you couldn't really see anything. Ask her if she had a STD and Aids test. Get it all on tape. If you reconcile bury it somewhere safe and forget it. 

The way these questions are worded is key. You want to create the same pressure that results in a parking lot confession just before the a poly.


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## GusPolinski

And oh yeah...

Young child and a cheating wife?

DNA that kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13

JohnA said:


> As to you can't divorce her: so if you cone home and find then in your bed, his stuff move in, and your stuff moved to your sons room YOU CAN'T DIVORCÉ ?
> 
> By the way note the Doctor who wrote article about exposure maintains any child over the age of four be told the WS is engaged in an inappropriate relationship.


NOTaCop - point is you CAN divorce her. The obvious answer to this is yes, if you find them together in your bed then you would divorce her. 
Just because to date you've had the fortune (or misfortune) of not walking in on them doesn't mean you can't divorce.

DNA tests and STD tests are a given.

And spare us the "she has my eyes" get the test done.

Have you told anyone else of her behavior? Friends, family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotACop

She set me up with him first. She then started doing group sessions with a few of her girlfriends, but I seriously had no clue about anything else. 

I looked this man in the eye multiple times and shook his hand while he was doing my wife on the side... its killing me inside.


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## GusPolinski

NotACop said:


> She set me up with him first. She then started doing group sessions with a few of her girlfriends, but I seriously had no clue about anything else.
> 
> I looked this man in the eye multiple times and shook his hand while he was doing my wife on the side... its killing me inside.


Be sure that you clue in the husbands/boyfriends of each of the other women.

You know... just in case your wife wasn't his only girlfriend.


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## TX-SC

If he works for the gym, have him fired. 

Separate from the wife for a few weeks so you are thinking with your head and not your heart.


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## cledus_snow

what steps have you taken to make this come out in your favor? have you informed this man's superiors? have you given your wife an ultimatum in regards to further contact with this man, which includes a NC letter, you informing this man's SO if he has one, and of course total transparency from your wife?


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## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend.

First thing you need to do or learn is to stop blaming yourself. 

She cheated on you and your family and she is the only one to blame. It is not you,OM,me or someone else.

Your weight problems have nothing to do with it. I am in really good shape and only weight 85 kg but my ex-fiance cheated on me too because she wanted to do it and she cares only about herself. Just like your wife my friend.

You really need to Expose her to family and close friends.
Get tested for STDs becasue this OM is used to doing this and your wife is only a number to him.
DNA your little kid just to make sure and to show your wife that you lost all trust.

Talk with your lawyer and see your custody rights my friend. 

Your wife knew what she was doing and it was NOT THREE TIMES like she said. You have to know,cheaters always lie and in your case I belive it is thirty three times,sorry my friend.

Also her "FRIENDS" like you called them,knew about her Affair so get rid of them. You dont need friends like them,right !!!


Stay strong my friend and take care of yourself and your kids.


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## workindad

OP- msorry for the spot you are in, but I suggest you reconsider your current options.

Step 1. have a paternity test done on the young child. This is easy,painless and private. You can do it from your own home and your wife does not need to participate, but she certainly should. I stongly suggest this in case of paternity fraud and so that the actual biological father is confirmed should there be any future health issues.

Step 2 get checked for STDs. No telling if she brought you home a souvenir.

Step 3- expose him to everyone and anyone that will listen, especially his employer and or SO as she has a right to know as well.

Step 4 speak to a lawyer to know your options.

You cannot fix this by rug sweeping or being nice to her. Also, dropping another 10 pounds or so won't prevent this from happening again. With your stated height, build unknown, 230 pounds doesn't sound significantly overweight, and even if it were, that is no excuse. 

If you want to successfully reconcile, you must play hardball. She will respect nothing else. Anything less, you look like a pansy and OM just looks more manly by the minute.

I'm not an expert but, your wife's gym membership, secrecy, and toxic friends all have to go in order to have a shot at a successful R.

Listen to the advice you get here.

Read up on the 180 and do it, but do it for you.


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## NotACop

Hey all- thanks so much for all the support. I haven't even had a chance to read through all the posts. I seriously appreciate it- i never thought to check back this soon.

To answer questions, she met him at the gym she goes to, he goes there too but is a private trainer separate from the gym. He has a private gym nearby that I went to for sessions... and apparently she did too.

I found out by catching her at that gym two wednesdays ago when she was supposed to be far away with a friend at dinner. I confronted her then, and she said she stopped by there to talk with him about me. Stated nothing happened. 

I'm an ex cop, and it didnt fly with me, but I couldnt prove it. So I gathered evidence... and linked her ipad to her phone so texts would come through both. lo and behold, last sunday morning she sent him a pic with her boob out saying not to text and shed call him. I went ballistic and started packing. She finally admitted she had made out with him that night, but said nothing else happened. I said that I would stay only if she gave me her phone to recover the texts she deleted. She eventually agreed, and while it was recovering and she could see I was going to find out, she admitted she had sex with him a few times in the last few weeks. She was also sending and receiving dirty pics with him, and sexting. She only told me when she knew I was going to find out. 

I did text him letting him know that I knew about it, told him to never contact her again, and left it at that. I knew what I wanted to say/do would get me arrested-- again, ex cop. So I have very distorted records of what happened and what they said to eachother in texts.. but its extremely jarbled and broken up since it was recovered after deletion. I would love to see exactly what was happening. 

I'm at the point now where I don't know what to do. I do not want to leave her and have my son lose another mother, and my daughter grow up in divorce. She begged me to stay, but now she is telling me I should leave because she is a disaster and will ruin all our lives. I'm trying so hard to not think until we see a counselor (on tuesday) because I seriously start to shake with rage and betrayal every time I think about it. She is crying all the time and beating up on herself, but in the middle of that I'm just wishing for someone to support me.

Leaving is a very very hard option as well... I left my job a year ago to go back to school, and so now I am completely dependent on her. I can't go back to my old job, I wont be done school for another year, and we have two kids (my son is with us full time, he's from my ex wife, but has been with my current wife for half his life).


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## cledus_snow

you're in a bind, financially speaking, i get it. but, what you shouldn't allow is being held hostage because of it. there are consequences to be had. you as former law enforcement know better. 

i'll ask you again. is she still going around her daily activities/routine as we speak, because that all has to change. has she given up all her passwords and let you have access to her emails, phone records, and text history throughout this ordeal? you need total transparency, amigo. have you demanded that she write up a NC letter to him. even though he has a private business, his clientele should be informed of his business practices. are you ok with this D-bag doing this to another guy... does it sit right with you? his affiliation with this other gym should be made aware of how he operates.

stop playing "good" cop.


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## NotACop

To note: It does seem that she is being honest right now about what was happening. Not because I trust her, but because I have the broken up texts and can see this hasn't been going on for long. I don't have a single doubt it would've continued, even though she said she was breaking it off. As far as I can tell, she only did it two or three times, which is consistent with what she told me. I know I'm not getting all the texts, however I know that the amount of them is very limited and it can't have been going on long. 

I have already told her the gym membership must end. This is going to be incredibly hard for her, because that gym is one of the only times she gets out (she works from home) and she has lots of girlfriends she works out with that keep her motivated. But I'm not backing off.. that gym must go. 

I'm also concerned because, even though I told her to never speak with him again, she told me she texted him a few days ago and talked to him on the phone to let him know it was over. I wouldn'tve known had she not told me, but she did tell me which makes me a little more confident. To be honest, I'm now so paranoid that she's continuing it on another medium somehow, but she hasn't turned off her GPS on her phone so I still know where she is at all times. I have been checking, now, because I am not getting played again. 

I'll definitely say, if it happens again or if she reaches out to him, its over. I'm taking the kids and leaving her. The problem is I can't be sure if she reaches out to him. Honestly, I would feel so much better if I could know exactly what she was doing at all times... because I think she's actually trying to do right, and checking without her knowing would help me rebuild my trust in her. If she knows, then I won't know that she hasn't worked around my watch. I truly hate to be in the position of watching my own wife... I used to do this with suspects when I was undercover, but never wanted to with my wife.


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## Roselyn

Woman here. Guy, you are in a bad situation. A student without a job and dependent on a lying and cheating wife. In addition, you have a son who is also dependent on your wife. You have no choice but to stay with your cheating wife or you will be homeless.

See a counselor in your school. There are free services for counseling, available to students. Ask your advisor for the counseling office. Learn some coping skills in your situation. You can go on a student loan for next year, if you need emergency financing. I don't think that your situation will change. She has the upper hand.


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## NotACop

He's not affiliated with the gym... just a member there. He has very few clients... honestly a few of them are my wife's friends (all single). I would be telling close friends that we see often about it... which I honestly really want to do, but there's alot of embarassment there. I don't want to be the guy who's staying with his unfaithful wife... I want my wife back.


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## NotACop

Kid's definitely mine though.. that much I can be sure of. She's my twin. 

The STD test is pending... I already told her I want her to get it. She admitted it was unprotected.


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## cledus_snow

> To be honest, I'm now so paranoid that she's continuing it on another medium somehow


this is the freakin' problem now... you have to play warden from now on... who knows for how long.

don't let up. you can't trust anything she says right now. she must regain that trust with time and your vigilance. you might want to stick a VAR in her car. just a suggestion.


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## MarriedDude

Post a message on the gyms facebook page...tell the whole story. 

Nuclear Time


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## cledus_snow

i'd want to know if any of those single "friends" knew anything about her cheating on you. they are not friends of your marriage and should be dumped by the wayside: non-negotiable.


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## jsmart

What a mess. You're in a precarious situation being financially dependent on her. I understand the additional reluctance to blow everything up because of instability for your son but you still can't take D off the table. 

Your wife didn't just betray you and the family. For her to have her lover train you is so disrespectful. They must have had many laughs at your expense. That is so wrong. For her to have an infant at home and already be having sex with another man is DISGUSTING. I would DNA the kid. You need to be sure before the 1 year mark. You don't want to be on the hook for child support for kid that may belong to Mr Gymtrainer. Even if your sure, it will send the message of what she has done. 

Also you need to do everything in your power to expose this POS at his job to get him fired and to damage his reputation at his personal gym. Expose to her family. Not in a vindictive manner but in a help me fight for the marriage way. All the friends that knew about and probably gave a sympathetic ear have to be demoted to acquaintance.


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## cledus_snow

> All the friends that knew about and probably gave a sympathetic ear have to be demoted to acquaintance.


they need to be 86'd... why would you need to be acquainted with such person?


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## Be smart

Like Roselyn said you are in hard situation my friend.

Can you loan some money from your family or close friend ? 

Her girlfriends knew about her Affair my friend and they even supported her. What you need to do is to Expose her to family members. They are the ones who truly cares not this "friends"

She said she wasnt using condoms with him and this is another telling that they didnt have sex "three times". More lies.

Is your wife still going there,you never answered to this one ?

Dont forget her "friends". They are still seeing OM so if your wife spends her time with them OM would probably be there or keep in touch with her.


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## TX-SC

What was her "why" excuse? Tell the friends and family. Let them know what happened. If his gym is privately owned, post a negative review and just say he was "hitting on" your wife. 

Really, you deserve better than this.


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## NotACop

Reading through these posts... I am so grateful to have this level of response.

I will say that the circumstance of leaving is incredibly hard... I've done it before with the ex, and that divorce was only final in 2011. My son and I lived at my parent's house while I worked, and he was young enough that he doesn't know much of a difference. She was bipolar (developed after he was born), and when she stopped taking her meds I packed up and took him away. One of the hardest decisions of my life. I never wanted to have a child of divorce, and now I'm looking at having two, one of whom has been through two divorces.

I am a faithful and old-school guy... I feel that kids should have the security of a two parent family. And now I'm looking at having two children from two different ex-wives, and I would never survive without having them full-time. It is literally killing me to think what this is doing to the kids.

And even more important... I do love her. Things have been very hard lately, with a new baby (8 months old), and me going back to school studying all the time. Its her first kid too, so shes learning to cope with the late nights and stress of a child. The attention to each other has suffered, but I saw no other way to do it. I was holding a 4.0 until recently... this semester now is looking extremely bad. I can't concentrate and i'm in a very demanding Risk Management major. I've already failed the hell out of a major exam from this.

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for here... I do feel much better knowing that I have been able to tell people about this- no matter the format. I have seriously considered exposing her to everyone... but there's a shame factor in that for me as well.


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## cledus_snow

gotta take care of yourself, right now... i know, easier said than done. this is gonna change your whole relationship dynamic from now on. you don't have to decide right now, but you need to consider your options. 

i realize that you love your wife, but she did you "dirty" and now you gotta protect yourself. as to exposure, i think you should tell those around you that you feel comfortable with and would support you no matter what your decision comes to be.




> If his gym is privately owned, post a negative review and just say he was "hitting on" your wife.


totally agree. the only thing these f0cker's care about is their reputations. hit him where it hurts.


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## bandit.45

You need to stop defending your WW and making excuses for her. No amount of neglect or stress in your marriage caused her to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to. She thinks you are a stooge. She has no respect for you. Expose her.


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## TX-SC

No man, there is no shame in this for you at all. She's the one that had the affair, not you. So, did she tell you WHY she did it? 

If you are a full time student and she works, in a divorce you might get spousal support. Especially so if you quit your job to go to school. BTW, get those grades up or see if you can use the baby and cheating to drop the classes for now. 

If you decide to R, she will have to seek counselling to figure out why she did this. She definitely needs to drop the gym membership. See if any of her friends knew about it. If so, she needs to drop those friends too.


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## ThePheonix

That's part of the problem with reconciliations Bandit. The BS is looking for some outside factor that "caused" the WS to uncharacteristically cheat to make the R palatable. After the reconciliation is jump started, they begin to question this outside factor they previously sold to themselves after facing the hard reality that the future potential of their reclaimed marriage does not quite materialize and the former bad behavior of the WS doesn't seem former at all.


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## rzmpf

That is what cheating does, it completely destroys the basic trust you have to have for a relationship.

She only admitted to things you already knew or were able to find out anyway. How far into the past were you able to retrieve deleted messages? She had contact with him although you wanted NC, by telling you she tried to gain trust but did she really stop it or did it go underground (new app, burner phone, just fixed dates without necessary communication)? She surely found him attractive before she set him up as your trainer, why did she and her gfs have classes with him? She either had sex before or she purposely set everything up to make it happen. Who knows if the gfs knew and who knows if the guy already has a reputation, maybe she wasn't the only one of her circle. 

You/she needs to cut these cancerous tumor called gym and the people associated with it out of your/her life or there won't be any healing.


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## Feeling lost and lonely

I understand that leaving would be extremely difficult but her being afraid that you might leave might help her realise what she can lose and maybe work harder to try and make it work.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## NotACop

Been going through all the responses, and I can say pretty much certainly that none of her friends know. Shes actually been trying to set one up with him... though I don't know what that means. I do know that is confirmed through texts though.

As best I can tell (through what I can prove), this was not going on when I started training with him. The thing that kills me is she and I used to joke about him being attractive. I was so confident in her that I was able to joke about it with her. Saying things when she was headed to her group class like "OK, you but don't get too into that body! I know its a sexy thing!" and everything. Seriously all these things are killing me inside. I trusted her so much, and never ever doubted. I trusted that she knew I was trying to get in better shape for her, and I trusted that all the things I was doing to take stress off her back was building further into the love she felt for me. Turns out I was just putting her on her back for him.

And to address the unwillingness to leave- don't mistake my desire to work through it for an unwillingness to leave. While it would be an impossibly difficult and damaging prospect, I would absolutely do it. I just know that I owe it to the kids to try and work through it. I truly hate how I feel now, and I hate her for doing it to me. But I also hate the idea of having my kids grow up in a broken family. 

She has been tearing herself down lately, saying how we would be so much better without her, and she will just wreck us all... but I don't know. My sense tells me shes being honest about that, but I've begun to doubt myself. Maybe shes just saying that to get us to leave, so she can go be with ********* trainer. So much doubt in this...


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## Thor

You have some choices here. Some are strong, some are weak. Choose strong and things will go much better.

A strong choice rocks her back on her heals. Strong choices makes her play by your rules, not hers. Weak choices take the power and decisions away from you.

Your wife has a lot of work to do to make R successful. If she does strong work there is a chance for good R. But if she does weak work you will never have a good marriage with her.

So if you make weak choices, all she has to do is weak D- level work. She just has to do enough not to fail. Failure from her perspective is when you decide to leave. So she only has to do D-. But if you take the strong choices she will have to do A+ work to try to get you to stop leaving. 

The difference? Weak is when you let her make the decisions and you don't set very high standards for her to meet. Strong is when you show her you are already gone, and she has to win you back. If you let her know that divorce is not an option, you lose right now.

The first things I would do are these:
1) Require her to get a full panel STD test and bring you the printed results. All the different STDs. She probably has to go to a county clinic or a specialty clinic. Her general practice doc probably doesn't do a full panel. Her OB/GYN might. HIV, HPV, Herpes Type 2 (genital herpes), gonorrhea, syphilis, etc.
2) You go get a full panel STD test to be sure you are ok.
3) DNA paternity test your kids. Even if you are 100% sure they are yours, you do this to send her the direct message you don't trust her. This move shows her how completely she has destroyed trust.
4) Consult with an attorney. Most will give a free 10-30 minute consultation to try to get you as a customer. You can learn what the laws are and how things generally play out where you live.

The rest you've already heard a bunch of times. Full transparency with all her electronics, some surveillance on her that she doesn't know about, expose the affair.


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## straightshooter

Not a Cop,

And now she is trying to set one of her friends up with him?? How convenient. That will insure that she stays in contact with him. And how is that no contact?????

Like someone said, you need to stop making excuses for her, stop using your kids as an excuse, and demand she dumps these friends. Too bad she loses her exercise classes. Is that your fault too???

And you are correct? She will talk to him on some social media if you just sit there trying to monitor her cell phone or I Pad,

Get the Damm VAR in her car. You will find out very quickly. She for sure is talking to her girlfriends on this phone. You will find out for sure if any of them knew or not and what she is saying to them. And you will find out if she is talking to him any more. Doesn't that interest you???

You can also tell her the money you are saving on her gym membership will be used in the future for her to get really closely acquainted with a polygraph examiner, and that the first question will be is she still ****ing OM, and gthe second question will be is she still talking to him. And then you tell her that if she fails the test you will hand her divorce papers that day. 

OR, you can hope that if you take her word for this it will all go away. Her wanting to set him up with a friend means she wants to still be in his radar and that is a big red flag.

And here is a couple of other things you I hope have already thought of
(1) she has lost her right to privacy and secrecy in this relationship
(2) there are no GNO or trips away from you with her :single": friends, especially until you sort out if she is lying about any of them knowing.
(3) you need to search every nook and cranny of her car, lingerie drawer, and ANYWHERE else in the house that you ordinarily would not look for a "burner" phone. Probably OM has done this before. That is why you cannot rely solely on tracking her cell phone and I Pad.
(4) you can buy "semen" test kits and randomly check her underwear.

All that sound like too much trouble. Then just take her word for it and suck it up and stay for the kids.

I am not recommending you divorce her tomorrow. But you better start protesting yourself or you are toast.


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## Sports Fan

Mate sorry you are going through this. You need to expose to her friends and their husbands. This will cut off any money he is earning from your wifes friends.

Additionally she has to show true remorse. If you are considering taking her back strap a VAR under her Car seat attached with velcro. The minute she violates and contacts him pack her things and end the marriage for good.


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## NotACop

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. She was trying to set him up with one of her friends before I found out. I would've absolutely lost my mind if she had anything to do with him now. I am very very close to telling the friends that know him that she cheated. I know for a fact they don't know. I also can only know this because I saw her texts, well before she knew I'd be looking. I am so damn close to telling the friends that went to his class with her... in fact one friend is having private sessions with him. 

I am trying so hard to hold back vindictiveness.. I'll be honest, I would have trouble resisting my wife if I were in his shoes. But he came back at me when I called him on it, and it was all I could do to just not threaten him and shut it down. I don't need to get locked up now... I was a cop before and I know how to swallow the rage. But I just want so badly for someone to know. I don't know if its just because I want her to be ashamed with her friends or what, but I just want to tell people so badly.


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## NotACop

Also, I don't need a vehicle-mounted GPS right now. She hasn't turned off her phone GPS. If she did, I'd be done immediately. I have never needed to check it, but right now I'll be on that thing whenever I'm not with her. I'm just more worried that, while I'm trusting that its over, shes messaging him in some other way and sending him more pictures or planning another meet. I don't think she will, but I'm taking nothing for granted. It seems my senses are not trusted when it comes to her. Any time I want to know where she is, I can pull up the site and check. Sure, she could leave her phone in a car and go elsewhere, but if she isn't answering me then ill know somethings up. I would not rule out going to where the phone is to see if shes there. I'm taking no chances now. One tiny violation and she's done.


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## GusPolinski

NotACop said:


> Also, I don't need a vehicle-mounted GPS right now. She hasn't turned off her phone GPS. If she did, I'd be done immediately. I have never needed to check it, but right now I'll be on that thing whenever I'm not with her. I'm just more worried that, while I'm trusting that its over, shes messaging him in some other way and sending him more pictures or planning another meet. I don't think she will, but I'm taking nothing for granted. It seems my senses are not trusted when it comes to her. Any time I want to know where she is, I can pull up the site and check. Sure, she could leave her phone in a car and go elsewhere, but if she isn't answering me then ill know somethings up. I would not rule out going to where the phone is to see if shes there. I'm taking no chances now. One tiny violation and she's done.


Not to push you toward paranoia, but what's to keep her from leaving her phone in her office and then sneaking away to see OM?

Also, what kind of vehicle does she drive? If it's a recent GM product, then the built-in OnStar functionality -- when paired w/ their FamilyLink service -- would make for a workable GPS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo

NotACop said:


> Reading through these posts... I am so grateful to have this level of response.
> 
> I will say that the circumstance of leaving is incredibly hard... I've done it before with the ex, and that divorce was only final in 2011. My son and I lived at my parent's house while I worked, and he was young enough that he doesn't know much of a difference. She was bipolar (developed after he was born), and when she stopped taking her meds I packed up and took him away. One of the hardest decisions of my life. I never wanted to have a child of divorce, and now I'm looking at having two, one of whom has been through two divorces.
> 
> I am a faithful and old-school guy... I feel that kids should have the security of a two parent family. And now I'm looking at having two children from two different ex-wives, and I would never survive without having them full-time. It is literally killing me to think what this is doing to the kids.
> 
> And even more important... I do love her. Things have been very hard lately, with a new baby (8 months old), and me going back to school studying all the time. Its her first kid too, so shes learning to cope with the late nights and stress of a child. The attention to each other has suffered, but I saw no other way to do it. I was holding a 4.0 until recently... this semester now is looking extremely bad. I can't concentrate and i'm in a very demanding Risk Management major. I've already failed the hell out of a major exam from this.
> 
> I honestly don't know what I'm looking for here... I do feel much better knowing that I have been able to tell people about this- no matter the format. I have seriously considered exposing her to everyone... but there's a shame factor in that for me as well.[/QUOTReally sorry you are going through this. I could be wrong, but, in addition to your fears re a second divorce and its effects on the children, I sort of got the feeling that you feel that your wife is so good looking that you are out of your league. Your concern over being 6'4" and 230lbs and your comments about your wife's attractiveness have led me to think this. Perhaps I am mistaken.
> Normally, I would not address this, but I suspect that if this is true, it may be contributing to your fear of losing her if you take the needed steps to stop the affair and impose consequences.
> So, that said, I would like to share with you what I have learned re thix topic.
> First, as others have said6'4" 230lbs. Is not obese and may, in fact , be a very healthy and attractive weight for you. If you are trying to compare yourself to a trainer, many of whom are somatic narcissist with arrested development, while you are a regular guy who has to study and take care of kids etc., stop.
> Getting in shape is no major accomplishment. It is nice, but relativel easy with resistance training to failure. If your wife is shallow enough to be impressed by this, she is not very highly evolved , IMO.
> Second, absent wealth or status driving hypergamy, women, generally marry men who are, roughly at the same level of physical attractiveness as themselves. Odds are very good that your appearance, including your height and weight, is every bit as attractive to women as your wife's is to men.
> Finally, betrayed spouses, almost universally, over estimate their cheater' s level of attractiveness.
> In researching infidelity, I happened across a book by a female private investigator from Austrailia who specialized in i fidelity investigation. As part of her investigation she would ask for a detailed description of the suspected cheater and sould also ask for a photo.
> Time and time again she was amazed at the relatively unremarkable people who had been described as extraordinarily attractive by their betrayed spouses.
> She speculated that, perhaps, the trauma the BS was experiencing caused them to underestimate their own levels of attractiveness due to the infidelity damaging their self esteem. Consequently, they elevated. The cheater's level, as they wonxered if they had outkicked their coverage as regarxs landing their spouse.
> The reality was, often, that the BS was at least as good looking as the cheater.
> You have value as a human being, as a good,devoted husband and dad with a good intellect.
> Telling us you feel being6'4" and230lbs. may have played a role in your wife' s cheating,as absurd as that clearly is to outsiders like me, tells me that your wife' cheating has depleted and damaged you so severely that it has altered your perception of reality.
> I got out of my marriage at 52. I had been a three sport varsity athlete in college, very fit, very muscular etc. By 52, I had moved on from that and my children' s needs and my career, as well as the normal aging process altered my level of fitness.
> Yet, when I hit the market post divorce, quality women were interested in me, despite my six pack being long gone.
> Please do not underestimate your value such that fear of losing this "very attractive" women( probably a lot less so to outsiders than you think), prevents you from taking the measures you need to. Do not tolerate disrespect. You wiil, ultimately, despise yourself more for this than you will hurt from losing your wife.


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## MarriedDude

NotACop said:


> Been going through all the responses, and I can say pretty much certainly that none of her friends know. Shes actually been trying to set one up with him... though I don't know what that means. I do know that is confirmed through texts though.
> 
> As best I can tell (through what I can prove), this was not going on when I started training with him. The thing that kills me is she and I used to joke about him being attractive. I was so confident in her that I was able to joke about it with her. Saying things when she was headed to her group class like "OK, you but don't get too into that body! I know its a sexy thing!" and everything. Seriously all these things are killing me inside. I trusted her so much, and never ever doubted. I trusted that she knew I was trying to get in better shape for her, and I trusted that all the things I was doing to take stress off her back was building further into the love she felt for me. Turns out I was just putting her on her back for him.
> 
> And to address the unwillingness to leave- don't mistake my desire to work through it for an unwillingness to leave. While it would be an impossibly difficult and damaging prospect, I would absolutely do it. I just know that I owe it to the kids to try and work through it. I truly hate how I feel now, and I hate her for doing it to me. But I also hate the idea of having my kids grow up in a broken family.
> 
> She has been tearing herself down lately, saying how we would be so much better without her, and she will just wreck us all... but I don't know. My sense tells me shes being honest about that, but I've begun to doubt myself. *Maybe shes just saying that to get us to leave, so she can go be with ********* trainer. So much doubt in this..*.


Now your catching on. Its a pretty transparent attempt at manipulation...the oh woe is me self-deprecating BS is just that. BS. AT this point you should avoid all talk of a future with her. If she wanted to work on things she would be trying to sell herself..not tear herself down...it's a trap OP. If you take her back -she already has the pass for the next time..."But I told you I was Bad.." Sure...ok. 

You should know this....If there is a doubt..there is no doubt


----------



## MarriedDude

NotACop said:


> I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. She was trying to set him up with one of her friends before I found out. I would've absolutely lost my mind if she had anything to do with him now. I am very very close to telling the friends that know him that she cheated. I know for a fact they don't know. I also can only know this because I saw her texts, well before she knew I'd be looking. I am so damn close to telling the friends that went to his class with her... in fact one friend is having private sessions with him.
> 
> I am trying so hard to hold back vindictiveness.. I'll be honest, *I would have trouble resisting my wife if I were in his shoes.* But he came back at me when I called him on it, and it was all I could do to just not threaten him and shut it down. I don't need to get locked up now... I was a cop before and I know how to swallow the rage. But I just want so badly for someone to know. I don't know if its just because I want her to be ashamed with her friends or what, but I just want to tell people so badly.


You probably wouldn't. It sounds like you have a little something called integrity.

You know why that little voice is telling you to expose the whole shady deal....because it knows its the right thing. 

If you keep this secret it is going to eat you alive


----------



## tom67

Not it is time to expose you will not regret it listen to the people here.
One day at a time.


----------



## TX-SC

She seems to be looking for sympathy from you by pulling the "I'm no good!" and "You'd be better off without me!" crap. It's you who should be getting the sympathy, not her. Have her read the book "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and perhaps have her visit the wayward forum at survivinginfidelity.com. She needs to know that there are things YOU need now, and she is the only one that can provide them. 

If she doesn't put every effort into YOUR healing, then you need to consider divorce. Part of your healing will include her seeing an IC and figuring out why she has poor boundaries. 

And yes, expose the affair to friends and family.


----------



## Marc878

The biggest thing you need to do is quit living in fear. Start thinking of what you want. I'd blow his azz out of the water. You didn't do this its on her.

Full exposure will do the trick. Oh she'll be p!ssed off but it beats you getting p!ssed on.

Has nothing to do with be vindictive. That's just a weak pathetic excuse to do nothing and hope it'll just go away. It won't. 

Actions have consequences. You've been in law enforcement you should know.


----------



## SoulCrushed16

NotACop said:


> Also, I don't need a vehicle-mounted GPS right now. She hasn't turned off her phone GPS. If she did, I'd be done immediately. I have never needed to check it, but right now I'll be on that thing whenever I'm not with her. I'm just more worried that, while I'm trusting that its over, shes messaging him in some other way and sending him more pictures or planning another meet. I don't think she will, but I'm taking nothing for granted. It seems my senses are not trusted when it comes to her. Any time I want to know where she is, I can pull up the site and check. Sure, she could leave her phone in a car and go elsewhere, but if she isn't answering me then ill know somethings up. I would not rule out going to where the phone is to see if shes there. I'm taking no chances now. One tiny violation and she's done.


Woman here. I am sorry you're here. Your wife is a real POS. Woman that just absolutely cannot stay to their spouses are just worthless. Btw, not all women are like your tramp of a wife. It sounds like she really trusted this guy to the point that she actually allowed him to hit it raw and putting not only her own health at risk but also yours. I know that you want to fix your marriage and everything but she has emasculated you to the point of no return. She needs to have some serious consequences for her actions because if she does not, not only will she lose respect for you but she will more than likely do it again. If you do not show her some serious tough love the affair WILL continue. Just because she's telling you it's over it doesn't mean it is. She's a cake eater and will continue to eat as much of it as you allow. You need to take back your self respect and self esteem. Who the he11 cares if you are a little overweight? That does not give her grounds to cheat on you. Anybody can be gorgeous, as you stated your wife is, but she's ugly. You have an infant at home and she decides to go and slap nasties with your trainer? That's sick. Consequences, consequences, and more consequences. If you're not going to hold her accountable then you might as well kiss your marriage goodbye. I know you want a mother for your children but what about you? Are you ok with living with a woman who cheats on you? 

How long has the affair been going on? And do you feel that her feelings for OM are strong to the point that she is pining for him? Also what happened to wife #2 as you stated this is your third marriage?


----------



## SoulCrushed16

Marc878 said:


> The biggest thing you need to do is quit living in fear. Start thinking of what you want. I'd blow his azz out of the water. You didn't do this its on her.
> 
> Full exposure will do the trick. Oh she'll be p!ssed off but it beats you getting p!ssed on.
> 
> Has nothing to do with be vindictive. That's just a weak pathetic excuse to do nothing and hope it'll just go away. It won't.
> 
> Actions have consequences. You've been in law enforcement you should know.


OMG!!! This!!! 

You are very afraid of the unknown that you are willing to take this from her. This is 100% NOT your fault. This is your wife's fault. She needs to really face reality and you need to snap her out of this. If you want to save your marriage you have to expose. 

Again Marc 878 is absolutely right, it's not about vindictiveness. It's a way to wake her up and telling her that you mean business. You have to show her that there are consequences to her actions and you are not ok with what she has done. It's her problem how the he11 she takes it. No one put a gun to her head to make her spread her legs for OM.


----------



## SoulCrushed16

GusPolinski said:


> Not to push you toward paranoia, but what's to keep her from leaving her phone in her office and then sneaking away to see OM?
> 
> Also, what kind of vehicle does she drive? If it's a recent GM product, then the built-in OnStar functionality -- when paired w/ their FamilyLink service -- would make for a workable GPS.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point. I believe even LoJack does this. I've actually had them call me a couple of times when my husband's vehicle was at a location it had never been at before. They provide you the location and everything. ?


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## Marc878

You do full exposure you'll know within a few days whether this is worth trying to save or not.

Quit wasting time. Get strong and take control of your life.

Let the damn chips fall where they may.

You wallow around like a weak doormat this will define the rest of your life.


----------



## NotACop

Only two marriages... And I'm 31. Not sure if I miswrote three, its only two. I do know its only been a few weeks and two or three times from her texts, and they went back for at least two years. I don't think it's been anyone else either, or at least nothing in her texts says it. 

Please be aware, I'm only trying to be measured because of the kids... If they weren't here I would've left after this. They deserve the effort to retry it. But I will say that the comments you've given are definitely strengthening my response. I've been holding out to speak to the counselor for any major separation decisions, except texting him and... expressing myself... and banning the gym. Ive been trying to hold off the complete meltdown and making her move out until im not so furious.


----------



## eric1

NotACop said:


> Only two marriages... And I'm 31. Not sure if I miswrote three, its only two. I do know its only been a few weeks and two or three times from her texts, and they went back for at least two years. I don't think it's been anyone else either, or at least nothing in her texts says it.
> 
> Please be aware, I'm only trying to be measured because of the kids... If they weren't here I would've left after this. They deserve the effort to retry it. But I will say that the comments you've given are definitely strengthening my response. I've been holding out to speak to the counselor for any major separation decisions, except texting him and... expressing myself... and banning the gym. Ive been trying to hold off the complete meltdown and making her move out until im not so furious.



See how committed to the kids she is then.

Demand a full written timeline of the affair within 48 hours. Tell her it is her last and final chance to give you the full truth and to keep the marriage together.

Then when she gives it to you tell her that you guys are taking a trip to the poly examiner. Her face right then will tell you everything that you need to know.

Of course protect yourself by visiting an attorney ASAP.


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## MJJEAN

Was she crying and saying she is terrbile and you'd be better off without her when she was f*cking Mr Fitness? No? Then it's bullshyte. She's just sorry she got caught. It's a form of manipulation.

She admitted unprotected sex. While she's being STD tested, have a pregnancy test done, too. She wouldn't be the first woman to get knocked up by an affair partner.


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## manfromlamancha

NotACop, at this time, there is a lot that you do not know about her and what she has done.

The VAR in the car is not a GPS - its a voice activated recorder. And if you follow the instructions as per Weightlifters evidence gathering thread (the model of the VAR, how to set it up, where to secure it, breaking off a earphone jack in the audio output socket etc, the right type of velcro to secure it and the right type of battery for length of use), you will almost certainly get some truth as long as she does not suspect you are doing it. She needs to talk to someone and is probably talking to a friend or even the [email protected] himself. You need the truth to be able to make the right decisions.

I did not understand what you meant by "he came back at you" when you confronted him - if it means what I suspect it means - this arsehole has some balls on him!!! He knows you are an ex-cop and he thinks that by baiting you, you will not respond OR he thinks his fitness has made him into Superman ?!?!?

I am going to try and make you understand this - _*in this case, there is nothing wrong with vindictiveness at all!!!!*_ Destroy this [email protected]! Tell all his clients whether they are your friends or not. In particular tell your friends. Tell your female friends' husbands. And get him fired from this gym. If it is his gym, rain hell on his business. Disrupt the hell out of it. 

Do it now before it becomes old news. Let him understand that this will not go unpunished. Yes, punished!!! As vindictively as you can.

And trust NOTHING your wife says or does right now. She is still hooked on the dopamine of strange sex with this POS! Go into real surveillance mode (you're an ex-cop, you should know) - don't let on, and cover everything she says or does. Verify everything. And once again, get the VAR in place.

Let her know that you are more than prepared to leave. Do not even hint at the fact that you are trying to work this out. This is what she needs to be doing. She should know that you are on your way out this door.

And finally, you have to be ready to lose her (even if you want to win her back).


----------



## aine

Your wife is a (i'm too polite!) 

You are not coming from a position of strenght, you have to if there is any chance of this working.

YOu are in a weak position because your rely on her financially. Is there any way you could defer college for a year and go back to the police force to get yourself financially independent, colleges are usually sympathetic about this sort of thing.

Then
1. tell all your family and friends about her A, especially those at the gym, she needs to have a 'come to Jesus' moment, some will admire her, others will be pissed, let the chips fall where they may
2. Do the 180 on her and say you are going to conselling but there is no guarantee you want to stay in the marriage - she needs to know that you are not going to roll over and die
3. talk to a lawyer, and draw up the papers, tell her also
4. Find out if trainer is married or has girlfriend, expose him to her
5. you must also make it clear to your WW that she has to do all the running for you to consider coming back into her life
6. ask her to get STD tested and move into the spare bedroom, no sex
7. Ask her for complete access to phones, social media, computer etc, she has lost all right to privacy

8. it is likely when you get to a position of strength you may not be so willing to stay with her


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## eric1

I'm confused about why when you asked her to quit the gym that you still had time to post here about it.

Doesn't quitting a gym take like 8 seconds?


----------



## Satya

I don't know why you're so concerned about your WW being "hard" on herself. 

You didn't even expose her, you aren't divorcing her (that I'm aware of), and you're not going anywhere, so she's got nothing to really be worried about. Don't discount that a lot of her reaction is SELF pity. She is not sorry. She is sorry that you found out. 

You're much more afraid of her than she is of you. There's a good possibility that when she talked to the OM one last time without your knowledge, she told him to lay low until she cries crocodile tears enough to placate you and the situation quiets down. 

You're more sad about taking her gym membership away than actually standing firm that it's a must? Too bad for her. When she lives life with no consequences, is it any surprise that she has [email protected] boundaries in a marriage? She was using her membership as an excuse to do exactly what she wanted.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

Roselyn said:


> Woman here. Guy, you are in a bad situation. A student without a job and dependent on a lying and cheating wife. In addition, you have a son who is also dependent on your wife. You have no choice but to stay with your cheating wife or you will be homeless.
> 
> See a counselor in your school. There are free services for counseling, available to students. Ask your advisor for the counseling office. Learn some coping skills in your situation. You can go on a student loan for next year, if you need emergency financing. I don't think that your situation will change. She has the upper hand.


Sure it can... Get a job.


----------



## aine

I think a wayward must be treated like a spoilt teenager who has to be grounded. We have no problems in disciplining, setting boundaries, taking away privileges, etc with our teenagers, why is it so difficult with our waywards?


----------



## Satya

aine said:


> I think a wayward must be treated like a spoilt teenager who has to be grounded. We have no problems in disciplining, setting boundaries, taking away privileges, etc with our teenagers, why is it so difficult with our waywards?


It saddens me to agree with you. Some of the most childlike behavior I have seen is from adults. At least young children are selfish because they are learning and their brains are developing. You can really tell the difference between adults who were disciplined as children or have strong boundaries in marriage /relationships and those who were clearly not disciplined, or maybe had a "friend" instead of a parent. I don't mean to broadly generalize but it's honestly what I see day to day. Qualities like respect, dependability, and responsibility manifest like night and day in the two types. 

People that did not grow up with boundaries or don't live with them, or consistently get away with bending/breaking them tend to be as [email protected] as you allow them to be. This goes for both men and women.


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## bfree

OP, you've been getting great advice so far. All I'll say is that if you really want to save this marriage expose, expose, expose. There is not one infidelity expert that is against exposure. And she is still in the affair. If she's not still communicating with him he's still taking up space in her head. The only way to force this jerk out of your wife's head is to nuke this affair.

One other point, you will not be able to successfully reconcile with your wife until she does a lot of self reflection in the form of intense individual counseling. She needs to get to the root of why she gave herself permission to betray you. All the "I'm sorry's in the world don't matter a damn until she uncovers her problem and insulates herself from ever doing this again.


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## CantBelieveThis

I have nothing to offer, pretty much everything has been said, this is just so cruel it triggers me....uughh.....best of luck with whatever you do NotaCop, hang in there and always firmly believe her cheating had nothing to do with you or anything you did!!!


----------



## jorgegene

TX-SC said:


> She seems to be looking for sympathy from you by pulling the "I'm no good!" and "You'd be better off without me!" crap. It's you who should be getting the sympathy, not her. Have her read the book "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and perhaps have her visit the wayward forum at survivinginfidelity.com. She needs to know that there are things YOU need now, and she is the only one that can provide them.
> 
> If she doesn't put every effort into YOUR healing, then you need to consider divorce. Part of your healing will include her seeing an IC and figuring out why she has poor boundaries.
> 
> And yes, expose the affair to friends and family.



i agree. i wouldn't necessarily trust her 'woe is me' motives.

this may be manipulative. you've got to be very careful and cynical about her motives.


----------



## turnera

I always recommend to betrayed spouses that, if the wayward says they're sorry and want to make it up to you, the first thing they have to do is go to HER parents, with you, and tell them what she did. And then go to YOUR parents, with you, and tell them what she did. 

IMO, it's the single biggest wakeup call a cheater gets, having to look those two sets of people in the eye and admit the cheating. It can give them pause if they ever consider doing it again.

Plus, you need someone in your life you can talk to about it for support.

And, in the case of a trainer (all too common), my next step would be visiting the owner of the gym and informing them that if he isn't fired immediately, you will be perusing your legal options about what you can do to bring ruin down on this gym for SUPPORTING infidelity in its premises.


----------



## workindad

OP-
Having a plan helped me, I suggest considering the same for yourself.

Insist on the STD test.
Insist on a complete timeline.
She asked you to leave? Does she want you to take the kids? If yes,then I would say odds are she wants to go full on with her lover and try things with him more full time with you out of the way on the back burner so to speak. Have none of that!
See a lawyer and at least get an opinion from him/her. You may be able to get a free consult.
Do get a paternity test. Your child looks like you is not good enough... and this may not be the first OM, just the first you know of. 
She decides to start cheating, only does it 2 or three times, and decides it is OK to skip having him use a condom? Could be, but she certainly has zero respect for your physical health and is comfortable enough to put you at risk.

Have you asked her about other men besides this guy? If she is really being honest, maybe she will tell the truth here also, but I doubt it.

I would put a VAR in her car ASAP. Going cold turkey with her hot new lover will be tough and burner phones are cheap. Sorry, but your wife has proven that she cannot be trusted and that she is perfectly comfortable lying to you. A VAR will provide insight that you can't get anywhere else.

You could also tell her that you want a polygraph to check her timeline, be prepared to follow thru if you go this route.

This may seem like hardball, but it will show consequences for her actions.

You cannot nice her back to the family and you cannot rug sweep this mess.

Good luck
WD


----------



## Marduk

If you can't or won't leave her for cheating, or even tell anyone close to you about it, get ready for a lifetime of watching or worrying about your wife cheating.

She knows it, you know it, and your choice is clear. Either get to a place where you can or are willing to leave her over this, or get used to her stepping out.

I'm sorry you're hear man. It wasn't your fault. You didn't make the choice for her, she did.


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## 5Creed

Please do not move out of your house. She wants to be apart from you to think and because she is such a horrible person? Then she gets to move out without the kids of course. She is abandoning her children and her husband for sex. No wait; she already did that when she was with him 2 or 3 times. That is what this is. Let her move out if she wants to go and she can dig that hole even deeper than it already is. Sorry you are going through this. Stay proactive and one step ahead of her. Don't get stuck or frozen in place as it will be worse for you down the road. Take good care of yourself~


----------



## Blacksmith01

5Creed said:


> Please do not move out of your house. She wants to be apart from you to think and because she is such a horrible person? Then she gets to move out without the kids of course. She is abandoning her children and her husband for sex. No wait; she already did that when she was with him 2 or 3 times. That is what this is. Let her move out if she wants to go and she can dig that hole even deeper than it already is. Sorry you are going through this. Stay proactive and one step ahead of her. Don't get stuck or frozen in place as it will be worse for you down the road. Take good care of yourself~


Also don't forget to file for support both for the kids but also for yourself. let her move out but she needs to continue to live up to her obligations. This can buy you time to finish out this term in school and get yourself a job so that you are better able to provide for yourself.


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## PhillyGuy13

OP, when you are ready, feel free to send me a PM if you need to talk through college funding. I've worked 20 years in college adminstration and in banking/student loans.

Depending on what state your are in and school/program you are attending, if you were to separate from wife, with little income and kids to support you should be able to get a bulk of the costs covered with free money. Also tons of scholarships available for those who were/are in law enforcement who go back to school.

Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

eric1 said:


> I'm confused about why when you asked her to quit the gym that you still had time to post here about it.
> 
> Doesn't quitting a gym take like 8 seconds?


Um, you just stop going and stop paying fees. Done.


----------



## bandit.45

Why is it that cops and soldiers -- two groups that have jobs that require forcefulness, decisiveness, and execution -- often tend to be the biggest wussies when it comes to taking control of the situations in their marriages?


----------



## Lostinthought61

you might to check with a lawyer and see if you can sue him/his business for taking advantage of his clients. Being a personal trainer there might be rules of ethics that they must adhere too.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

bandit.45 said:


> Why is it that cops and soldiers -- two groups that have jobs that require forcefulness, decisiveness, and execution -- often tend to be the biggest wussies when it comes to taking control of the situations in their marriages?


I think he did better than most as far as when he found out, taking her phone to download it, forcing the confession, and checking up on her now. 

Now he feels trapped since she is the breadwinner and he quit his job to go back to school (perhaps at her urging?). He left a job as an undercover cop that was high risk/ high reward. Now he's going to school on her dime. She's a mother not only to the new baby but his older child. Basically he's got all his eggs in her basket. So while its easy to say dump her, in this case easier said than done in my opnion anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eric1

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think he did better than most as far as when he found out, taking her phone to download it, forcing the confession, and checking up on her now.
> 
> Now he feels trapped since she is the breadwinner and he quit his job to go back to school (perhaps at her urging?). He left a job as an undercover cop that was high risk/ high reward. Now he's going to school on her dime. She's a mother not only to the new baby but his older child. Basically he's got all his eggs in her basket. So while its easy to say dump her, in this case easier said than done in my opnion anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. I've often taken the role of saying THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS ON THE MOBILE. And nobody ever listens. And he did that.

Hell. Just rip the phone from her hands and lock yourself in the bathroom with it. You don't even need a passcode. If she gets confused she's not cheating. If she claws at the door, she's ****ing someone else.


----------



## SoulCrushed16

eric1 said:


> I'm confused about why when you asked her to quit the gym that you still had time to post here about it.
> 
> Doesn't quitting a gym take like 8 seconds?


Exactly. You just stop showing up if you don't have a membership.


----------



## SoulCrushed16

Satya said:


> I don't know why you're so concerned about your WW being "hard" on herself.
> 
> You didn't even expose her, you aren't divorcing her (that I'm aware of), and you're not going anywhere, so she's got nothing to really be worried about. Don't discount that a lot of her reaction is SELF pity. She is not sorry. She is sorry that you found out.
> 
> You're much more afraid of her than she is of you. There's a good possibility that when she talked to the OM one last time without your knowledge, she told him to lay low until she cries crocodile tears enough to placate you and the situation quiets down.
> 
> You're more sad about taking her gym membership away than actually standing firm that it's a must? Too bad for her. When she lives life with no consequences, is it any surprise that she has [email protected] boundaries in a marriage? She was using her membership as an excuse to do exactly what she wanted.


I agree with you that his lack of exposure is really going to be his down fall. 

Also OP said that the reason he feels bad about taking away her membership is because that's the only thing she had, the only thing that got her out of the house to have time to herself. As if there aren't other things she can do besides go to the gym for some piece of mind.


----------



## NotACop

I am still on the edge of exposing... it's going to really ignite a firestorm in my family. My parents will hate her forever... expecially with my last ex and the firestorm there. Still working on that one.

What I'm stuck with right now is monitoring her. If she is going to try and continue it (which I doubt, but I'm not taking it for granted), if she thinks I'm watching her texts she'll just delete them. And the process for pulling the deleted ones out is like an hour long process. One thing that would work great is if I could somehow clone her phone. I have to know whats happening, and I don't think her to be stupid. She's not tech savvy, but not stupid either. I found the initial picture because I linked her ipad to her phone, but its her work ipad and she uses it all the time. I don't have any other iphones to work with. All I can do is maybe snag her phone while shes asleep, but she sleeps very light, and the recovery process takes a really long time. I do not want her knowing I'm checking, so she feels safe doing something dirty on it if shes going to. If she knows, she could easily use another communication form that I wouldn't know was happening. To boot, its her work cell, so I can't put anything on it that would be malicious. 

Anyone have an idea on this? I'm not an apple guy, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be able to know all her communications for a long while. I seriously hate that its come to this, but I need to have 0 doubt that its done forever. I do have an old ipad 1 that I could easily use without notice, but it may be too old to do it. Any thoughts?


----------



## eric1

NotACop said:


> I am still on the edge of exposing... it's going to really ignite a firestorm in my family. My parents will hate her forever... expecially with my last ex and the firestorm there. Still working on that one.
> 
> 
> 
> What I'm stuck with right now is monitoring her. If she is going to try and continue it (which I doubt, but I'm not taking it for granted), if she thinks I'm watching her texts she'll just delete them. And the process for pulling the deleted ones out is like an hour long process. One thing that would work great is if I could somehow clone her phone. I have to know whats happening, and I don't think her to be stupid. She's not tech savvy, but not stupid either. I found the initial picture because I linked her ipad to her phone, but its her work ipad and she uses it all the time. I don't have any other iphones to work with. All I can do is maybe snag her phone while shes asleep, but she sleeps very light, and the recovery process takes a really long time. I do not want her knowing I'm checking, so she feels safe doing something dirty on it if shes going to. If she knows, she could easily use another communication form that I wouldn't know was happening. To boot, its her work cell, so I can't put anything on it that would be malicious.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyone have an idea on this? I'm not an apple guy, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be able to know all her communications for a long while. I seriously hate that its come to this, but I need to have 0 doubt that its done forever. I do have an old ipad 1 that I could easily use without notice, but it may be too old to do it. Any thoughts?



Dr Fone can work off of backups. So get her phone(s) for 15 minutes and buy the big dog iCloud plan and have it back up to iCloud. Then recover the backup from a PC or Mac and run Fone on it there.

It'll take a day or two for the backup to populate.

You can also put VERY comprehensive key loggers on it - Web Watcher is one I think? Then just hide the icon in a folder or something.

You can get more advanced. There are very comprehensive MDM solutions that can control everything if you want.


----------



## eric1

But dude, f that. Demand a timeline, poly her and expose her.

Everyone here comes with the same objections as you but you all end up having to do it . Go read @Noc s thread for some insight on what can happen (and perhaps he can chime in here) if you don't


----------



## bfree

bandit.45 said:


> Why is it that cops and soldiers -- two groups that have jobs that require forcefulness, decisiveness, and execution -- often tend to be the biggest wussies when it comes to taking control of the situations in their marriages?


I'm just guessing but maybe because they see their marriages as a refuge from the garbage they have to deal with on a daily basis. So when their marriages start to have problems they don't know how to deal with it and they go into shock.


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## GusPolinski

NotACop said:


> I am still on the edge of exposing... it's going to really ignite a firestorm in my family. My parents will hate her forever... expecially with my last ex and the firestorm there. Still working on that one.
> 
> What I'm stuck with right now is monitoring her. If she is going to try and continue it (which I doubt, but I'm not taking it for granted), if she thinks I'm watching her texts she'll just delete them. And the process for pulling the deleted ones out is like an hour long process. One thing that would work great is if I could somehow clone her phone. I have to know whats happening, and I don't think her to be stupid. She's not tech savvy, but not stupid either. I found the initial picture because I linked her ipad to her phone, but its her work ipad and she uses it all the time. I don't have any other iphones to work with. All I can do is maybe snag her phone while shes asleep, but she sleeps very light, and the recovery process takes a really long time. I do not want her knowing I'm checking, so she feels safe doing something dirty on it if shes going to. If she knows, she could easily use another communication form that I wouldn't know was happening. To boot, its her work cell, so I can't put anything on it that would be malicious.
> 
> *Anyone have an idea on this? I'm not an apple guy, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be able to know all her communications for a long while. I seriously hate that its come to this, but I need to have 0 doubt that its done forever. I do have an old ipad 1 that I could easily use without notice, but it may be too old to do it. Any thoughts?*


It should work, at least w/ respect to anything sent/received via iMessage. For Apple's Continuity feature to work, though, you may need something newer. Read the following links VERY carefully...

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204681

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT203032

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204689

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204678

...and take note of any caveats along the lines of "...when your iPhone is connected to the same wifi network."

As an ex-cop, I'm sure you know this, and that it's crossed your mind, but I'm feeling the need to say it anyway...

Monitoring should be as discrete as possible. To be clear, at this point she _knows_ that you're monitoring her. She'd be beyond stupid to expect otherwise.

BUT!!!

...if she knows the extent to which you are monitoring her, said monitoring will be significantly less effective than it would've been otherwise.

Something to keep in mind.


----------



## GusPolinski

Another good article re: Apple's Continuity functionality...

Complete guide to Continuity features in Mac and iOS - Features - Macworld UK


----------



## Be smart

My friend you think to much about "what will other people think". If they dont support you then forget about them. They are not your friends or family. Why would you need them after all !!!

This is not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Your wife is the only one to blame,not you,not the OM. 

OM never forced your wife to cheat on you and your kids and what is even worse she wanted to set him up with one of her close friends. Who knows,maybe she was looking for threesome...

You keep saying over and over again that you dont think she will cheat on you again or she will contact him or that her "friends" dont know anything about it.

What is she doing for you right now ? Forget about crying becasue she will cry for another month and then boom,you will find OM is still in the picture.

Her friends are still in contact with OM and one of them is in "private lessons" with him so she will keep in touch with OM through her friends.

Why are you Affraid of you wife ? Dont tell me you are not,because you are scared to even look at her phone records.

Dont forget to Expose this and you dont have to feel ashamed of anything. Your wife should.


----------



## bandit.45

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think he did better than most as far as when he found out, taking her phone to download it, forcing the confession, and checking up on her now.
> 
> Now he feels trapped since she is the breadwinner and he quit his job to go back to school (perhaps at her urging?). He left a job as an undercover cop that was high risk/ high reward. Now he's going to school on her dime. She's a mother not only to the new baby but his older child. Basically he's got all his eggs in her basket. So while its easy to say dump her, in this case easier said than done in my opnion anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good points.


----------



## straightshooter

i may have missed it so I apologize if that is the case. So for the third time I cannot understand for the life of me why you refuse to use anything other than monitoring her phone.

once again, the words are VOICE ACTIVATED RECORDER.

It seems like you care more about catching her in your own way than finding out what the hell she is doing.

She knows you are watching her, you refuse to tell her friend who is dating him. This guy will surely be around your wife when she is out with her friends. 

Put your football helmet on. if you do not stop making excuses why you cant do this o that we all know what the next thing you will find out will be.


----------



## turnera

Here's the bottom line for you: Is she willing to do whatever it takes to NOT GET DIVORCED?

In other words, HAVE YOU MADE IT CLEAR that if you see a single drop of lack of transparency or lies, you will immediately file for divorce?

No?

Then you have no hope of saving your marriage as anything other than a cuckold.


----------



## Redactus

My friend, I feel for you. As I posted on another thread, I also tried to R "for the sake of our son" after finding out my ex was cheating (ironically also with a gym PT). The whole R thing backfired, she just took her A much deeper and I eventually caught her again a year later and pulled the trigger on the D. In retrospect, I've got two things to say to you. First, no matter how your situation goes, you will NEVER EVER trust your wife again with the same deep commitment and level of comfort - your trust cherry has been busted and it is gone for good for her. Second, raising kids in a dysfunctional marriage is far worse than raising them in divorced circumstances. In a dysfunctional environment, they will never know what a true loving marriage is and may even develop warped views on what a marriage is. Hope you do what is right for you and your kids.


----------



## SoulCrushed16

NotACop said:


> I am still on the edge of exposing... it's going to really ignite a firestorm in my family. My parents will hate her forever... expecially with my last ex and the firestorm there. Still working on that one.
> 
> What I'm stuck with right now is monitoring her. If she is going to try and continue it (which I doubt, but I'm not taking it for granted), if she thinks I'm watching her texts she'll just delete them. And the process for pulling the deleted ones out is like an hour long process. One thing that would work great is if I could somehow clone her phone. I have to know whats happening, and I don't think her to be stupid. She's not tech savvy, but not stupid either. I found the initial picture because I linked her ipad to her phone, but its her work ipad and she uses it all the time. I don't have any other iphones to work with. All I can do is maybe snag her phone while shes asleep, but she sleeps very light, and the recovery process takes a really long time. I do not want her knowing I'm checking, so she feels safe doing something dirty on it if shes going to. If she knows, she could easily use another communication form that I wouldn't know was happening. To boot, its her work cell, so I can't put anything on it that would be malicious.
> 
> Anyone have an idea on this? I'm not an apple guy, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be able to know all her communications for a long while. I seriously hate that its come to this, but I need to have 0 doubt that its done forever. I do have an old ipad 1 that I could easily use without notice, but it may be too old to do it. Any thoughts?


NotAcop,
Why go through all of this?? You can get phone records and you can coincide her phone to the records to make sure she didn't delete anything. If things don't match up then you will know. Or better yet TAKE her phone and check for yourself. She can either choose to be transparent or she needs to leave (I know this isn't what you want but choice do you have?). 
EXPOSE her. This is her fault and it will be the nice ice bucket of water that needs to be thrown in her face to wake her up. Your parents will hold her accountable it seems. What are your in-laws like??


----------



## SoulCrushed16

GusPolinski said:


> NotACop said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am still on the edge of exposing... it's going to really ignite a firestorm in my family. My parents will hate her forever... expecially with my last ex and the firestorm there. Still working on that one.
> 
> What I'm stuck with right now is monitoring her. If she is going to try and continue it (which I doubt, but I'm not taking it for granted), if she thinks I'm watching her texts she'll just delete them. And the process for pulling the deleted ones out is like an hour long process. One thing that would work great is if I could somehow clone her phone. I have to know whats happening, and I don't think her to be stupid. She's not tech savvy, but not stupid either. I found the initial picture because I linked her ipad to her phone, but its her work ipad and she uses it all the time. I don't have any other iphones to work with. All I can do is maybe snag her phone while shes asleep, but she sleeps very light, and the recovery process takes a really long time. I do not want her knowing I'm checking, so she feels safe doing something dirty on it if shes going to. If she knows, she could easily use another communication form that I wouldn't know was happening. To boot, its her work cell, so I can't put anything on it that would be malicious.
> 
> *Anyone have an idea on this? I'm not an apple guy, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be able to know all her communications for a long while. I seriously hate that its come to this, but I need to have 0 doubt that its done forever. I do have an old ipad 1 that I could easily use without notice, but it may be too old to do it. Any thoughts?*
> 
> 
> 
> It should work, at least w/ respect to anything sent/received via iMessage. For Apple's Continuity feature to work, though, you may need something newer. Read the following links VERY carefully...
> 
> https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204681
> 
> https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT203032
> 
> https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204689
> 
> https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204678
> 
> ...and take note of any caveats along the lines of "...when your iPhone is connected to the same wifi network."
> 
> As an ex-cop, I'm sure you know this, and that it's crossed your mind, but I'm feeling the need to say it anyway...
> 
> Monitoring should be as discrete as possible. To be clear, at this point she _knows_ that you're monitoring her. She'd be beyond stupid to expect otherwise.
> 
> BUT!!!
> 
> ...if she knows the extent to which you are monitoring her, said monitoring will be significantly less effective than it would've been otherwise.
> 
> Something to keep in mind.
Click to expand...

I concur. IF she is still in the A, she might take it further underground. Be very careful (but you already know this).


----------



## workindad

straightshooter said:


> i may have missed it so I apologize if that is the case. So for the third time I cannot understand for the life of me why you refuse to use anything other than monitoring her phone.
> 
> once again, the words are VOICE ACTIVATED RECORDER.
> 
> It seems like you care more about catching her in your own way than finding out what the hell she is doing.
> 
> She knows you are watching her, you refuse to tell her friend who is dating him. This guy will surely be around your wife when she is out with her friends.
> 
> Put your football helmet on. if you do not stop making excuses why you cant do this o that we all know what the next thing you will find out will be.



You want to monitor her on the cheap, put a VAR in her car. Simple easy and effective. Also, if it is a work phone, you can't see who she is chatting up, but you can listen. Go to best buy now and spend around 50 bucks. Get a Sony. You'll know with certainty in no time. 

Do this before you expose her and POSM, but expose her and POSOM as well.


----------



## NotACop

Well, is anyone here a major tech guy? I think I may have found an option that would give me nearly full access to everything. I'm tech-savvy but not to this degree. Anyone here have a lot of experience with internet security and/or monitoring? 

She is home 98% of the time, again she works from home. When she's out of the house, I'm in my element. I would absolutely leave class and surveille her if she were to disable her gps or turn off her phone, and as long as its active I will know she is where she said she'd be. And to be clear, if she were to turn off her GPS while she was out, that would be it right there. I would be out. She has no concept of how to work her phone and would have to really intend to turn it off in order to. That would scream to me that shes hiding something, and that isn't happening anymore.

I'm trying to play this like a case... but without all my usual resources, I'm seriously handicapped without search warrants. I want her to get comfortable that she knows the extent to which I can check on her- and she thinks is that I need to have her physical phone in my possession for an hour or so to recover some lost data. I don't even want to check... I want to see if she reaches out to him. I'm going with trial by fire... since the first time I confronted her, I caught her two days later sending him a pic with a "dont text" message. That was before I knew the extent, but that makes me so much more suspicious that it will continue. I put her to the coals after that and learned everything, at least as it relates to what was on her phone. 

So as much as I appreciate the advice on the recorder... that will not provide the level of evidence I am planning. She is very very rarely in her car, and I think she will avoid using her cell to call because its hard to clear that from the phone. I worry more that she'll use whatsapp or snapchat or something, and 98% of the time it will be from home. If I could plant one on her person, that would be different, but checking it would become problematic. 

That is why I'm seeking a good tech guy. I have discovered something that may be able to monitor everything that goes over my wifi, which would catch almost everything she does. She is legitimately in the house most of the time- taking calls for work. I know when she leaves, and I'm 100% certain that shes in the house most of the time (connected to wifi). I say certain because there's concrete evidence to back it up, and I am not in the business of believing things without proof right now. I just want to capture what happens here, over the network, and that would cover any means she comes up with to communicate with him. I have a plan with the phone itself, as I can grab it and make an itunes backup in a few minutes, and I can dig through that to get deleted things. As far as I can tell, there is nothing new to him... although I can't find the texts he sent her when she "broke it off" with him last Wednesday. Its not a perfect system.

So in closing, is anyone here a networking/security expert? I am going to go dark on it... I now have a program to monitor my network but it's spitting out information I can't translate. I figure I need another program to capture the actual information, however I am at a loss for where to go. I feel like there must be a way to grab all the info going to my router and put it in some meaningful format, but its beyond my knowledge.


----------



## GusPolinski

I take it you've discovered Ethereal or Wireshark?

And BTW... w/ what did OM reply after she broke things off w/ him last week?


----------



## NotACop

And SoulCrushed, I read over the links you sent, however none will work. Continuity requires all devices to be close and connected by bluetooth, which will not happen. I mostly need to know whats being sent while I'm away at school during the day- at most other hours, I'm nearby and able to monitor. There was even a specific text to the prick while it was going on that I would "be home soon, so they had to stop texting". Excuse my french, but it ****ing kills me to read that.


----------



## NotACop

Gus, you're obviously on my same page. Wireshark. But its spitting out things I cant comprehend. I had it running tonight while we had a family movie night, and I know she got texts from her girlfriends over WhatsApp, but I can't find anything on the sniffer that captured anything meaningful. Is there a way to translate and capture this info? 

And to your other question, I don't know what was said. She had deleted the texts, saying that she "just wanted him out of her life" (I can actually believe because I know his type, and I'll guarantee that he showed his true colors and lost his mind). That said, I lost MY mind and asked what the hell she was thinking deleting anything right now. Unfortunately, doing a rip of her phone gives me thousands of pages of unsorted nonsense data- with text in it but not searchable or chronological. I found the original conversations through a similar program, but I found nothing on this convo. Although, this time, I was using a new itunes backup rather than the device itself. As far as I know, it should be identical, so maybe it just happened to not get recovered. Or I just cant come up with the right key word to search out the texts. Its tough with these deleted recoveries.


----------



## NotACop

And yes, the exposure is on hold until I establish the monitoring. While I'm still debating, but heavily in favor of, the exposure... I want her to get comfortable. I have to know if her desire to run back to him is only based on me watching


----------



## GusPolinski

When possible, recover from the phone itself instead of the backup. It should be the same data, but it's like I always say... "should" ain't "is". And besides, if you think about it, it makes sense that data marked for deletion beyond a certain "sunset" or age threshold wouldn't be bundled into the backups.

You're going to get only so much out of Wireshark. At most you'll get high-level protocol, IP and/or URL, and port data.

Paging @ScrambledEggs for more info re: pulling readable data from Wireshark.

You should probably make it clear that any and all ephemeral messaging apps (WhatsApp, SnapChat, etc) will be strictly off-limits -- regardless of either the sender or recipient -- for the time being.

Which data recovery apps have you used thus far? Dr. Fone gets quite a bit, but iPhone Backup Extractor (when used in expert mode) gets even more.

Are you using a Mac or PC?


----------



## manfromlamancha

I guess we are wondering what the POS said when you confronted him and he "came back at you" ? How did he come back at you?


----------



## NotACop

PC, and dr phone was where I went with it. I paid a little for a program called DecipherTextMessage, which puts it in a better searchable format, but sill isn't pulling that much. I'll look into backup extractor right now. Hopefully its not overly expensive, but I do need the best I can find for this one.

I have no experience with wireshark or its ilk... is there anything I can use to pull any text data that is sent or received over wifi? Because right now, all I can see is nonsense, and I'm not totally convinced its just due to my inexperience.


----------



## GusPolinski

NotACop said:


> PC, and dr phone was where I went with it. I paid a little for a program called DecipherTextMessage, which puts it in a better searchable format, but sill isn't pulling that much. I'll look into backup extractor right now. Hopefully its not overly expensive, but I do need the best I can find for this one.


If you buy iPhone Backup Extractor, go w/ the Pro/Premium version.



NotACop said:


> I have no experience with wireshark or its ilk... is there anything I can use to pull any text data that is sent or received over wifi? Because right now, all I can see is nonsense, and I'm not totally convinced its just due to my inexperience.


In the vast majority of cases, you're not going to be able to see what's sent and/or received due to encryption.


----------



## Dyokemm

"This is not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Your wife is the only one to blame,not you,not the OM."

No....OM is at fault too.....he is an incredible POS that knew exactly what he was doing.

I once had a co-worker who was a slimy f*cking worm always trying to get at M women.

We had to be separated at a holiday party at a local sports bar one time....he came waltzing over to a group guys and starting crowing about how he was getting near to closing the deal with this younger, recently M woman.

I told him to his face what a POS I thought he was and that I hoped her H found out a kicked his a**....he came back at me verbally and we had to be taken to opposite sides of the bar.

I would never give a pass to a POS like that motherf*cker.

lmao....best part of the whole story was the incident at the party so embarrassed the MW involved that she distanced herself from the scumbag afterwards.


----------



## TX-SC

The obvious solution here would possibly get her fired. If she is using a piece of work equipment to cheat on you, go to her company and let them know that if this continues, that the company will be receiving a lawsuit. They can easily monitor how the Ipad is used and set rules for it. Of course, that may also get her fired. 

You don't have to see what she sends. You just have to make her THINK you can see it. That should put an end to it fairly quickly.


----------



## NotACop

Mad as I am, getting her fired means I (and my kids) don't have a roof over our heads. Let me express where I am with this.

We are seeing a counselor tomorrow. Together. To be honest, I want to see one alone, because I have a cacophony of emotions to let out that I don't want her to see. I don't like the fact that I want nothing more than to cry like a little girl, but I need to get it over with. I don't need her seeing how much it hurts me... I need her to see how much it pisses me the **** off. I've been failing my classes lately and they take priority... since I need to finish school so I can get a job good enough to keep both kids comfortably. I'm kind of stuck right now, and I get that that sucks ass, but I don't have a choice.

But what my intention is to give her the rope to hang herself right now. I need to know that she is actually never going back to this... without me keeping her under my thumb 24/7. She knows I'm watching, but I want her to think I'm seeing far less than I am. Honestly, as much as I'm praying I never see it, I almost want to see her contacting him. I want to know that she'll never be faithful so I can get the **** out. I want it almost as much as I want to know she is 100% faithful to me. And I want that only slightly less than I want for none of this to ever have happened.


----------



## Maxo

Try talki g to your profs. A friend of mine went through this in law school and each of his law professors let him take his finals the next year.
Worth a shot.


----------



## NotACop

And also, if I confront the guy, I'll do something very bad him. I know myself well enough to know that I can't control myself right now. So there is no confronting or provoking him, because if he comes over here to find me, he'll leave horizontal. He is not employed by the gym (the she is now banned from- shes going to a new one tomorrow morning for a trial) and there is no litigation that can arise there. 

He does training on the side. In fact, he is a prep cook at a nearby restaurant because he's trash. I'm going to tell her friends soon afer I get the monitoring set up, because I don't want that **** to get the business from them continuing to go there. I want to know her reaction to it, and if she reaches out to apologize to him or comfort him. 

I'm calming down from the initial reaction, so I'm letting myself start to make decisions again. I know damn well what happens when people do things out of anger, and I'm not looking to get locked up for the first time.


----------



## NotACop

And also, I can't deal with her just thinking I can see it... I have to know. I have had honed senses for liars, and I have a blind spot for her it seems. After the first hint of this two weeks ago, that mostly ended, and when I had evidence I grilled her until she confessed. But I am not taking it for granted that I'm a better detector than she is concealer... so I need to have the data. I'll never sleep otherwise.


----------



## Maxo

Good. Stay clear of him. Not worth it and fighting strokes your wife' already inflated ego.


----------



## truster

Good luck, NAC. You seem to be handling this as well as it can be handled.


----------



## TX-SC

Do you know any detectives from where you were a cop that could give you some pointers? I bet they know all about how to catch someone like this.


----------



## straightshooter

Not A Cop

Sorry, I am finding it hard to believe that none of her girlfriends know. And she is using a popular cheaters app to communicate with you sitting in the house with her.

You call that voluntary transparency.????

My friend, you are not in a court of law. You are the judge, jury, and executioner . And her role should be the wife begging for forgiveness.

Instead you are trying to play CIA James Bond, which is fine, except apparently she is still totally involved with her gym crowd, which is where this all started.


----------



## NotACop

I know as much as they... but without a warrant there is nothing they can do. It requires the cooperation of the cell carrier or the physical device itself. This needs to be a long-term solution, however I can't mess with her phone and jailbreak or put an app on it since it's a work phone. It would help if I could get a hold of the phone for a prolonged period of time to delete the useless jarbled deleted texts so it's easier to sort through, but for right now I can only do keyword searches. And its about 50,000 pages of raw random data with strings of text in the middle. If I could figure out the right keyword to search, that may work, but I don't know what was said and if it were captured on the last backup (which was after this supposed break-off conversation)


----------



## NotACop

She didn't use any special app, it was all in SMS text. She has used WhatsApp for years with her friends, and the program I use also captures those. Actually... I haven't gone through those. There goes the next few hours.


----------



## NotACop

I can't convince you all that the gym crowd isn't involved. I do know it though, because I have all the texts with them for months back. Something would've slipped. She only is close with two girls there, and both are trying to sleep with this guy. As much as I want to ****block him, I care more about verifying my wife's activities right now.


----------



## GusPolinski

NotACop said:


> I can't convince you all that the gym crowd isn't involved. I do know it though, because I have all the texts with them for months back. Something would've slipped. *She only is close with two girls there, and both are trying to sleep with this guy. * As much as I want to ****block him, I care more about verifying my wife's activities right now.


If they're married or have boyfriends, drop a dime to their husbands/boyfriends when you expose.


----------



## Augusto

So if you are both in this for the kids and she knows you are not leaving for that fact, you need to just get out of the house for a while.


----------



## NotACop

The friends who want to hook up with him are single. And I can even see in her texts that she was encouraging them to hook up with him. It seemed like a legit hook up attempt too... I dont know what to make of that


----------



## ScrambledEggs

NotACop said:


> Gus, you're obviously on my same page. Wireshark. But its spitting out things I cant comprehend. I had it running tonight while we had a family movie night, and I know she got texts from her girlfriends over WhatsApp, but I can't find anything on the sniffer that captured anything meaningful. Is there a way to translate and capture this info?
> 
> And to your other question, I don't know what was said. She had deleted the texts, saying that she "just wanted him out of her life" (I can actually believe because I know his type, and I'll guarantee that he showed his true colors and lost his mind). That said, I lost MY mind and asked what the hell she was thinking deleting anything right now. Unfortunately, doing a rip of her phone gives me thousands of pages of unsorted nonsense data- with text in it but not searchable or chronological. I found the original conversations through a similar program, but I found nothing on this convo. Although, this time, I was using a new itunes backup rather than the device itself. As far as I know, it should be identical, so maybe it just happened to not get recovered. Or I just cant come up with the right key word to search out the texts. Its tough with these deleted recoveries.



You seem pretty savvy so I am not going to hold back. Let me know if you questions.

My monitoring with Wireshark was more useful for general intelligence gathering that showed state of mind and focus. Because almost everything is encrypted these days the most useful data point from packet captures where what sites and pages are being visited as opposed to the content being loaded. I was able to see most google searches and most of what pages where visited and by that I could tell what she was up to. Specifically all the messaging apps are https these days. But I will have a 2nd post in this thread on phones.

For example I used it to discover my wife was was searching for rental properties near her Affair Partner, even after D-Day. It also showed me what she was not doing-- that she was not searching for information or on forums that would lead to reconciliation, like TAM, even though that is what she said she wanted. I have a special case--a wife that does not seem to understand the difference between truth and lies or place or any value in either. But I did not believe and had to go through this to prove it to myself.

Still there are some gems that you can get from captures. Some sites are clear text and even ones that require authentication. For example Meetup.com is clear text and you can pull the password right from the capture. While Meet Up might not have much of interest, except perhaps membership in singles groups, chances are that same password is used elsewhere. Keep an encrypted file (Truecrypt/bitlocker) that you store your gathered bits of intel in.

You can reconstruct sites that are sent in the clear. If you find something interesting you can right click and select "follow TCP stream" and that will assemble the whole session for you. From there you can view the associated image, display the webpage, or even listen to a voice of IP conversation all within tools in Wireshark.

But it is a lot of work. I created a script to strip away unhelpful data bulk in the capture and would generally just look at URL's visited and google searches made in a text file. It was exhausting to be honest and I am glad to be free of the demons that drove me to do that. If you undertake this, give yourself a drop dead date to stop doing it. I think I justified it for as long as I did because the work also amounted to professional development in my career.


----------



## NotACop

That's what I was getting worried about... it seemed too good to be true. Some magic program that showed me exactly what was happening on my wifi. I'm going to have to stick with breaching her iphone whenever I can. Thanks, though, but I wish I had a solution!


----------



## eric1

I think Wireshark is great for what it is but you can get a lot of the same good information with spy apps.

If you can get on her PC then Spectre Pro. You can change the DNS the router spits out to be an OpenDNS one that you can track.

But what's the point? You've already said that you can't / won't divorce her. You have more actual proof than most wayward spouses. At this point you should be demanding a full written timeline then prepping for a poly.


----------



## eric1

Can you install Web Watcher on her phone? Will be much cleaner than constantly Dr Foning it or whatever


----------



## GusPolinski

NotACop said:


> That's what I was getting worried about... it seemed too good to be true. Some magic program that showed me exactly what was happening on my wifi. *I'm going to have to stick with breaching her iphone whenever I can.* Thanks, though, but I wish I had a solution!


To be clear, you're not talking about jailbreaking her iPhone and/or loading spyware on it, are you? I would avoid this, lest you wind up on the wrong end of a lawsuit aimed at you by her employer.


----------



## ScrambledEggs

NotACop said:


> Gus, you're obviously on my same page. Wireshark. But its spitting out things I cant comprehend. I had it running tonight while we had a family movie night, and I know she got texts from her girlfriends over WhatsApp, but I can't find anything on the sniffer that captured anything meaningful. Is there a way to translate and capture this info?
> 
> And to your other question, I don't know what was said. She had deleted the texts, saying that she "just wanted him out of her life" (I can actually believe because I know his type, and I'll guarantee that he showed his true colors and lost his mind). That said, I lost MY mind and asked what the hell she was thinking deleting anything right now. Unfortunately, doing a rip of her phone gives me thousands of pages of unsorted nonsense data- with text in it but not searchable or chronological. I found the original conversations through a similar program, but I found nothing on this convo. Although, this time, I was using a new itunes backup rather than the device itself. As far as I know, it should be identical, so maybe it just happened to not get recovered. Or I just cant come up with the right key word to search out the texts. Its tough with these deleted recoveries.


Phone forensics is all about the software. Unfortunately it is as expensive as h3ll and your department is probably shelling out $10k per hear per license/device for the best. But there are some open source options and occasionally some forensic software companies offer trials to students and law enforcement. If you can get your hands on this software and have a physical dump of your wife phone it will or organize everything on it an easily readable manner. If you tell me what phone you are dealing with I might suggest something open source.

Given your aptitude for this stuff, you should consider a career in digital forensics. Departments are starving for tech savvy people with investigative experience.


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## NotACop

From your lips to God's ears, Scrambled.. hah I'm in risk management now, and have considered doing cyber security insurance. However I know a number of computer forensics guys, and know I'm about 15 years behind the mark. The only thing I know is how to watch people, which involves them being totally unaware and defiant enough to do what I'm watching for. 

My previous department went with cellebrite, and its been a few years since I've been in the game. Even those rips were spotty, but not nearly as bad as what I'm getting from dr fone. I can't dump 100 bucks into it (only because she would know), but I am willing to go less than that. The wireless sniffer idea sounded so great, but of course it turns out to be too good to be true.

I guess I'm stuck to trying to quietly watch her phone constantly for a few weeks. I'm not going to put a spy app on her phone, because I think her company will catch that. And I'm not a fan of a giant company hunting me down for it. Unless someone can guide me through grabbing meaningful information from her phone remotely


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## straightshooter

Not A Cop

The reason no one believes she has not told her "friends" is because most of the people talking to you here know that is it very UNCOMMON for a group of women to be all tgrying to bed a guy and not be giggling like little schoolgirls when one of them does it.

I thin k you said you cancelled her gym membership. So I am guessing you are sure ??? She is not going there to meet him outside the gym.

Have you searched for a "burner" phone?????? You are doing all this detective work trying to break intro her phones which may b e useless if she has a burner phone. If she works from home, that is good because the burner phone cannot be at her office. Search everywhere , especially places you would ordinarily not look.

These friends that are part of the gym crowd have to go or you can count on her being in his presence. 

Now, you can solve all of this really quick by going to an attorney, finding out your rights, and telling your wife she can either pass a polygraph or sign the divorce papers and if you are not working, she will be paying you money, not vice versa. That may be unappealing enough for her for her to come clean.


----------



## GusPolinski

ScrambledEggs said:


> Phone forensics is all about the software. Unfortunately it is as expensive as h3ll and your department is probably shelling out $10k per hear per license/device for the best. But there are some open source options and occasionally some forensic software companies offer trials to students and law enforcement. If you can get your hands on this software and have a physical dump of your wife phone it will or organize everything on it an easily readable manner. If you tell me what phone you are dealing with I might suggest something open source.


He's working w/ an iPhone.



ScrambledEggs said:


> Given your aptitude for this stuff, *you should consider a career in digital forensics. Departments are starving for tech savvy people with investigative experience.*


A few years ago, one of my cop buddies asked me if I'd be interested in doing some part-time digital forensic work for the local sheriff's department. When he explained to me that it would likely involve encountering some rather disturbing material on a fairly regular basis, I had to pass.

I can't imagine sifting through that muck as if it were business as usual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eric1

NotACop said:


> From your lips to God's ears, Scrambled.. hah I'm in risk management now, and have considered doing cyber security insurance. However I know a number of computer forensics guys, and know I'm about 15 years behind the mark. The only thing I know is how to watch people, which involves them being totally unaware and defiant enough to do what I'm watching for.
> 
> My previous department went with cellebrite, and its been a few years since I've been in the game. Even those rips were spotty, but not nearly as bad as what I'm getting from dr fone. I can't dump 100 bucks into it (only because she would know), but I am willing to go less than that. The wireless sniffer idea sounded so great, but of course it turns out to be too good to be true.
> 
> I guess I'm stuck to trying to quietly watch her phone constantly for a few weeks. I'm not going to put a spy app on her phone, because I think her company will catch that. And I'm not a fan of a giant company hunting me down for it. Unless someone can guide me through grabbing meaningful information from her phone remotely


You're right that if it's a corporate phone then you should not install spy software on it. period. 

However if you subscribe her to iCloud and then have her phone backup to the cloud, you'll be able to perform text recovery from the backup. It'll still be unorganized, etc, but it's a start. Also if you login as her on iTunes store you'll be able to see the apps that she has purchased/downloaded.


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## Graywolf2

Talk to your school or professor about why you did so poorly on the test. Maybe something can be worked out. 

Do you take care of the kids? If you were a student stay at home mom getting a divorce you wouldn’t be moving out and having to support yourself. Have you looked into student loans?


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## NotACop

Well... I left. ****ing done with it. She went to her new gym this morning, hated it, and in a moment of anger said she was going back to her gym. That was it... I left. I'm not going to put up with even a single ounce of push back. Still going to the therapy meeting with her today, but I'm not staying with her. At least for a while. Maybe she can learn what life is like caring for children alone... I did it for a few years.


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## manfromlamancha

This is incredible! She fvcked her trainer that she helped (getting you trained by him and other girls too). Got caught. And is now throwing a tantrum at having to change gyms. And this [email protected] has got off scott free!

Blow this sh!t up!


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## manfromlamancha

NotACop said:


> I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. She was trying to set him up with one of her friends before I found out. I would've absolutely lost my mind if she had anything to do with him now. I am very very close to telling the friends that know him that she cheated. I know for a fact they don't know. I also can only know this because I saw her texts, well before she knew I'd be looking. I am so damn close to telling the friends that went to his class with her... in fact one friend is having private sessions with him.
> 
> I am trying so hard to hold back vindictiveness.. I'll be honest, I would have trouble resisting my wife if I were in his shoes. *But he came back at me when I called him on it, and it was all I could do to just not threaten him and shut it down. * I don't need to get locked up now... I was a cop before and I know how to swallow the rage. But I just want so badly for someone to know. I don't know if its just because I want her to be ashamed with her friends or what, but I just want to tell people so badly.


What did you mean by the bolded part above ? "He came back at you" ???


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## TX-SC

Well, you gave her a chance and she blew it. I would just cancel the therapy appointment and start working towards separation then. She needs to put all of her effort into fixing this but seems incapable of it.


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## Marduk

I agree with your current action -- leaving, even though it's hard.

Because you busted her once, she's not acting remorseful at all, and your response was to go all Magnum PI rather than go all Matlock.

She knows she can cheat. She knows she's hot. She knows she's got you cornered thinking you can't leave. And she knows she can get other men.

And most of all, she wants to.

She wants to go back to the same gym is just the topper.

My guess?

She either won't give a F that you've left, or have a 'come to Jesus moment.' But that moment is more than likely 'don't embarrass me.'


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## tom67

marduk said:


> I agree with your current action -- leaving, even though it's hard.
> 
> Because you busted her once, she's not acting remorseful at all, and your response was to go all Magnum PI rather than go all Matlock.
> 
> She knows she can cheat. She knows she's hot. She knows she's got you cornered thinking you can't leave. And she knows she can get other men.
> 
> And most of all, she wants to.
> 
> She wants to go back to the same gym is just the topper.
> 
> My guess?
> 
> She either won't give a F that you've left, or have a 'come to Jesus moment.' But that moment is more than likely 'don't embarrass me.'


:iagree::iagree::banghead:
Not...
BLOW THIS UP!!!
EXPOSE!!!
And see a lawyer.


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## ThePheonix

manfromlamancha said:


> What did you mean by the bolded part above ? "He came back at you" ???


My guess is that he said something to the effect of she's the one that offered to give it up and he like many many other guys just took her up on her offer. It makes sense to me because the other girls were flirting with this cat to and she was part of the competition. I think our man NotACop has a tiger by the tail with this chick. He may need to just finish his degree while she finances a roof over his head and then say sayōnara. (I'd bet the trainer was banging all four. If it were most of us in our prime and single, we'd likely be doing it.)


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## truster

NotACop said:


> Well... I left. ****ing done with it. She went to her new gym this morning, hated it, and in a moment of anger said she was going back to her gym. That was it... I left. I'm not going to put up with even a single ounce of push back. Still going to the therapy meeting with her today, but I'm not staying with her. At least for a while. Maybe she can learn what life is like caring for children alone... I did it for a few years.


Quick word of advice.. don't leave the house if you're looking to get custody, as that can work against you. Get a lawyer and discuss. Because it is healthier to get away from this ****, but you need to be smart about it.


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## rzmpf

NotACop said:


> Well... I left. ****ing done with it. She went to her new gym this morning, hated it, and in a moment of anger said she was going back to her gym. That was it... I left. I'm not going to put up with even a single ounce of push back. Still going to the therapy meeting with her today, but I'm not staying with her. At least for a while. Maybe she can learn what life is like caring for children alone... I did it for a few years.


Of course she hated it. No gfs, no OM.

But she has shown you her priorities, and your marriage is not one of them. She told you already that you should leave her because she is such a bad girl. With the kids of course so the bad girl is free to do whatever she wants. 
Will be interesting to see how she reacts when she is left with the kids.


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## eric1

You have no other choice but to end it, really. If she's not remorseful she's not remorseful.

I hope that somehow that she can find remorse, it would be good for everyone involved even if the marriage is dissolved. However there is almost nothing that you can do if this is the level of remorse that you are seeing at this stage. 

What I'm getting at is that she's limiting your choices at this point, so you're resigned to taking the steps which are most likely to result in a positive outcome for you.


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## convert

well if you end up staying, which she may suck you back, don't discount a VAR and since she mainly in the house put it where she would most likely be talking.


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## happyman64

NotACop said:


> Well... I left. ****ing done with it. She went to her new gym this morning, hated it, and in a moment of anger said she was going back to her gym. That was it... I left. I'm not going to put up with even a single ounce of push back. Still going to the therapy meeting with her today, but I'm not staying with her. At least for a while. Maybe she can learn what life is like caring for children alone... I did it for a few years.


Not a Cop

Please go see an attorney ASAP. You want to makes sure your wife does not beat you to it and cite you for abandonment. 

There is a time limit to how long you can be away from the marital home....

Now do on e more thing.

Call all her GF's. Let them know your wife was banging in the trainer. 

Let them also know she has to get tested for an STD. That they should stay clear of the trainer because he is a predator. Worse than that he has promiscuous sex with multiple partners and if they take their health seriously they should stay clear of him.

That is how you take care of him.

Now take care of yourself. Your wife obviously has issues and loves the gym. Buy her a fricking Bowflex.

Here is one of my favorite quotes for your WW.

“It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.”

Esther Perel

Read it to your wife in therapy and tell her to pull her head out of her butt. Otherwise she is going to be paying a lot of $$$ in alimony and possibly child support.

HM


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## sparrow555

NotACop said:


> To note: It does seem that she is being honest right now about what was happening. Not because I trust her, but because I have the broken up texts and can see this hasn't been going on for long. I don't have a single doubt it would've continued, even though she said she was breaking it off. As far as I can tell, she only did it two or three times, which is consistent with what she told me. I know I'm not getting all the texts, however I know that the amount of them is very limited and it can't have been going on long.
> 
> I have already told her the gym membership must end. This is going to be incredibly hard for her, because that gym is one of the only times she gets out (she works from home) and she has lots of girlfriends she works out with that keep her motivated. But I'm not backing off.. that gym must go.
> 
> I'm also concerned because, even though I told her to never speak with him again, she told me she texted him a few days ago and talked to him on the phone to let him know it was over. I wouldn'tve known had she not told me, but she did tell me which makes me a little more confident. To be honest, I'm now so paranoid that she's continuing it on another medium somehow, but she hasn't turned off her GPS on her phone so I still know where she is at all times. I have been checking, now, because I am not getting played again.
> 
> I'll definitely say, if it happens again or if she reaches out to him, its over. I'm taking the kids and leaving her. The problem is I can't be sure if she reaches out to him. Honestly, I would feel so much better if I could know exactly what she was doing at all times... because I think she's actually trying to do right, and checking without her knowing would help me rebuild my trust in her. If she knows, then I won't know that she hasn't worked around my watch. I truly hate to be in the position of watching my own wife... I used to do this with suspects when I was undercover, but never wanted to with my wife.


Haven't read to the end of the thread. your desperation to keep the family together is making you delusional.



> She has been tearing herself down lately, saying how we would be so much better without her, and she will just wreck us all... but I don't know. My sense tells me shes being honest about that, but I've begun to doubt myself. Maybe shes just saying that to get us to leave, so she can go be with ********* trainer. So much doubt in this...


Common self pity manipulation technique.


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## G.J.

How did the confrontation with her go down when she told you she didn't like the new gym and the after math ?

Too late now but I don't get why you didn't place a VAR in your house as she's there most of the time and that would possibly pick up a burner phone

She will back down so have your decision in place what you will do


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## sparrow555

NotACop said:


> Only two marriages... And I'm 31. Not sure if I miswrote three, its only two. I do know its only been a few weeks and two or three times from her texts, and they went back for at least two years. I don't think it's been anyone else either, or at least nothing in her texts says it.
> 
> Please be aware, I'm only trying to be measured because of the kids... If they weren't here I would've left after this. They deserve the effort to retry it. But I will say that the comments you've given are definitely strengthening my response. I've been holding out to speak to the counselor for any major separation decisions, except texting him and... expressing myself... and banning the gym. Ive been trying to hold off the complete meltdown and making her move out until im not so furious.



You posts and every word is consumed by fear. very unlike a cop. You stopped because he came back at you and you did not want to get arrested ? There are a lot of things you could have said without crossing the law. I mean, how did he get the impression that you are such a pushover ? maybe your wife helped in that aspect. 

And more importantly, she cheated 2 years into a marriage ? have some perspective.


----------



## sparrow555

NotACop said:


> Gus, you're obviously on my same page. Wireshark. But its spitting out things I cant comprehend. I had it running tonight while we had a family movie night, and I know she got texts from her girlfriends over WhatsApp, but I can't find anything on the sniffer that captured anything meaningful. Is there a way to translate and capture this info?
> 
> And to your other question, I don't know what was said. She had deleted the texts, saying that she "just wanted him out of her life" (I can actually believe because I know his type, and I'll guarantee that he showed his true colors and lost his mind). That said, I lost MY mind and asked what the hell she was thinking deleting anything right now. Unfortunately, doing a rip of her phone gives me thousands of pages of unsorted nonsense data- with text in it but not searchable or chronological. I found the original conversations through a similar program, but I found nothing on this convo. Although, this time, I was using a new itunes backup rather than the device itself. As far as I know, it should be identical, so maybe it just happened to not get recovered. Or I just cant come up with the right key word to search out the texts. Its tough with these deleted recoveries.




She is still deleting texts ? Guess she realizes that you are trapped and are not leaving. What is stopping her from having a couple more shags and finally end it ?


----------



## sparrow555

NotACop said:


> Well... I left. ****ing done with it. She went to her new gym this morning, hated it, and in a moment of anger said she was going back to her gym. That was it... I left. I'm not going to put up with even a single ounce of push back. Still going to the therapy meeting with her today, but I'm not staying with her. At least for a while. Maybe she can learn what life is like caring for children alone... I did it for a few years.


Looks like she never ended it and was carrying it underground.

If you are an ex-cop, maybe you can call in some favors from old friends.


----------



## turnera

NotACop said:


> Well... I left. ****ing done with it. She went to her new gym this morning, hated it, and in a moment of anger said she was going back to her gym. That was it... I left. I'm not going to put up with even a single ounce of push back. Still going to the therapy meeting with her today, but I'm not staying with her. At least for a while. Maybe she can learn what life is like caring for children alone... I did it for a few years.


I can't believe she said that. Well I can, but...wow. She doesn't flipping get it.

Time to expose. Let the family know WHY you left.


----------



## ScrambledEggs

GusPolinski said:


> To be clear, you're not talking about jailbreaking her iPhone and/or loading spyware on it, are you? I would avoid this, lest you wind up on the wrong end of a lawsuit aimed at you by her employer.


If the employer is using Mobile Iron, or something like it, jailbreaking the phone will disable corporate services and put a ticket into the companies security incident center.


----------



## ScrambledEggs

GusPolinski said:


> He's working w/ an iPhone.
> 
> 
> 
> A few years ago, one of my cop buddies asked me if I'd be interested in doing some part-time digital forensic work for the local sheriff's department. When he explained to me that it would likely involve encountering some rather disturbing material on a fairly regular basis, I had to pass.
> 
> I can't imagine sifting through that muck as if it were business as usual.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Given the direction this has turned it is better to let go of this stuff. That said, iPhones are very hard to get a proper image of. Generally speaking only models prior to 4s can be physically imaged.


----------



## GusPolinski

ScrambledEggs said:


> Given the direction this has turned it is better to let go of this stuff.


Agreed.



ScrambledEggs said:


> That said, iPhones are very hard to get a proper image of. Generally speaking only models prior to 4s can be physically imaged.


Still, feel free to share. I've not bothered to look beyond Dr. Fone and the like since they seem to suit most folks' needs.

Oh, and what's this that I have on my desk? Why... it's an iPhone 4S...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoulCrushed16

NotACop said:


> Well... I left. ****ing done with it. She went to her new gym this morning, hated it, and in a moment of anger said she was going back to her gym. That was it... I left. I'm not going to put up with even a single ounce of push back. Still going to the therapy meeting with her today, but I'm not staying with her. At least for a while. Maybe she can learn what life is like caring for children alone... I did it for a few years.


Maybe leaving the house wasn't quite the best idea, especially if you do D. She can use that against you and say that it was abandonment. 
Sorry that she feels absolutely no remorse. It's pretty clear though by her statement alone that she has feelings for POSOM. Going to a different gym should not be a big deal, he11 she's the one that cheated. She should be kissing your @ss and feet. 

Who initiated the counseling sessions? Was it you or her? She needs to pull her weight and fix this mess. You can't do all of the work.


----------



## happyman64

NotaCop

Emotions are high for both you and your wife.

Your wife needs to feel consequences for her bad decisions.

Separate your bank accounts. Take half the dollars and put them in your own account.

Any joint cards should be cancelled.

When you have both calmed down ask her if she wants to be married or single. Make it clear to her that her selfish actions are not only hurting herself but they hurt you and the kids.

Ask her in counseling if that is what she truly wants.

Be calm in counseling. And listen to her.

HM

PS
One of the conditions to you coming home should be the results of her STD test. Let her know you will share yours with her.


----------



## TX-SC

Just to be on the safe side, have you verified that the child is yours through paternity testing. I wouldn't make any assumptions at this point.


----------



## JohnA

If I posted this before, it is worth posting again to print out and take to MC to discuss.

What a WS should know * By AbeNormal*

I *have thought about posting this for some time now. It is not original to me, and chances are that many here have already seen this. It is from another forum (that can be found by searching on the title of this thread). If you go to that forum/thread, the person posting this says that they do not know its origin - but deep within the tread the original author/poster who put this together comes forth and says that they have no problem with it being distributed. I presume that to be true.

This is for the wayward spouse (particularly in the early stages of trying to understand) - and perhaps would be something useful for any betrayed spouse to share with their wayward spouse...*

The only reason i am posting this here is in hopes that it might help others the way it did my wife and I.

*****

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand. YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.*

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?*

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.*

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.*

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.*

Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”*
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.*

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.*

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect*
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most*
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.*

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care*
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They*
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


Link*Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## JohnA

How did you chose this MC? What is their background? Do they embrace a form of rug sweeping ? 

As to the gym. So they are comfortable with him poaching their members for a personal side business? She set you up with him. How did she know him, an ad ? 

As to setting up the girl friends. Was it a delusional form of minimizing her adultery? Was she looking to set up a poly type relationship with all of them?

If you mentioned it I missed it. How old is she, what is her relationship history, and how did you meet?


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## GusPolinski

Holy Copy and Paste, Batman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disposable

straightshooter said:


> Don't have to even read the other responses to tell you
> (1) get that **** out of your head that this is your fault
> (2) the minute you tell her and yourself that you CANNOT leave her you have given up even more dignity and have shown her there will be no consequences for what she did.
> (3) you kids are vyou ing and that is not a good reason to subject yourself to being disrespected for years.
> 
> Does that mean you divorce. ??? Not necessarily. But it does mean.
> 
> YOUR WIFE QUITES THAT GYM IMMEDIATELY AND NEVER GOES ANYWHERE NEAR IT AGAIN
> 
> YOUR WIFE TURNS OVER EVERY PASSWORD SHE HAS ON ALL ELECTRONICS
> 
> AND IT IS YOUR WIFE'S JOB TO EARN HER WAY FOR YOU TO GIVE HER THE GIST OF STAYING WITH HER.
> 
> Now, if you want to play what is called the "pick me dance" you will find out that does not work too well, and she will wind up going underground with her boyfriend.
> 
> What makes this more disturbing is not only did she cheat on you, she did it with the guy she set you up with who is training you while he is banging your wife. That reeks of disrespect.
> 
> Do not believe anything she tells you right now because she is a proven liar. I hope you realize that.
> 
> I am also guessing that this outstanding citizen who was banging your wife is not married. If he is, and she better tell you, then you tell his wife or girlfriend and you DO NOT tell your wife you are doing that.
> 
> Women very rarely just jump into bed with a guy so it is highly likely she was flirting and having an emotional affair with this guy for some time, which means there is a very good chance you may hear **** like
> 
> ""I have feelings for him"
> "Cann't we still be friends"
> 
> If you agree or pay any attention to anything like that you are going to get crapped on for a long time.
> 
> Lastly, since your wife probably has not told you the entire truth ( most do not when initially caught), you need to put a VAR in her can and a GPS on it, which can be done for less then $100. DO NOT TELL HER THIS. You will find out if they are still in contact in less than 72 hours.
> 
> If she has any girlfriends who knew about this or helped her by covering for her, THEY HAVE TO GO. They are enemies of your marriage.
> 
> Now you can disregard totally everything I just told you , some of which will probably also be recommended to you by others in different words.IF YOU DO THAT SEE WHERE IT GETS YOU.
> 
> Until your wife actually believes you will not tolerate any more betrayal of any kind, and that means talking to him or being anywhere near him, she will not do what is necessary to get you through this. And stay the hell out of MC until you know she is still not seeing him and can verify it. Otherwise , you are wasting your time and money


This has been my life for almost a year. Yet, I find that I am still consumed with hurt, anger, humiliation, resentment, and rage. I guess I am the type that find it hard to let go and release my emotions. 

My WS has agreed to transparency, password sharing to all devices, online phone call logs, and GPS.

Still, most days I feel like I am choking, on fire, and being eaten from the inside out. And the strain and stress of it all in starting to show in my face.

Yet, I'm still here and working on recovery, wondering why I just walk away. (I woke up one day realized that 30 years of marriage was a lie)


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## SoulCrushed16

This has been my life for almost a year. Yet, I find that I am still consumed with hurt, anger, humiliation, resentment, and rage. I guess I am the type that find it hard to let go and release my emotions. 

My WS has agreed to transparency, password sharing to all devices, online phone call logs, and GPS.

Still, most days I feel like I am choking, on fire, and being eaten from the inside out. And the strain and stress of it all in starting to show in my face.

Yet, I'm still here and working on recovery, wondering why I just walk away. (I woke up one day realized that 30 years of marriage was a lie)[/QUOTE]

It makes you wonder if R is even worth it. I feel for you.


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## Be smart

Please dont get me wrong my friend but you let your wife walk all over you.

First she never showed you her text messages then she lied about having sex "only three times".

After this you REWARDED your wife and pushed her to sign into new gym,like wtf.

If she was really sorry she would NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE. She would tell you the truth,she would answer to your questions,she would get rid of her "Friends" and never contact them ever again,she would try and search a good therapist ....


This is what will happend next,mark my words. You left the house so your wife will think it is OK for her to contine this Affair. She will even bring her "friends" to some sex series. 
After 2-3 months you will come back and YOU WILL APOLOGIZE to her for leaving her. 

Good luck to you


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## straightshooter

Why am I not surprised that she never stopped banging him???

You need to get to an attorney before you do one more Damm thing and find out your rights. All you have done by walking out is give more space to have her fun.

And now it is time to call his employer and get his as fired . There was no way this was not going to continue with you wasting all your time on a phone she was not using . 

And I am clueless why on earth you are going to a therapy appointment to sit there with her while she is still banging OM. 

This time I hope you listen so you do not get steamrolled . She has basically told you she is going to continue to have sex with him and you will have an open marriage . You either accept that or end it .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs

SoulCrushed16 said:


> This has been my life for almost a year. Yet, I find that I am still consumed with hurt, anger, humiliation, resentment, and rage. I guess I am the type that find it hard to let go and release my emotions.
> 
> My WS has agreed to transparency, password sharing to all devices, online phone call logs, and GPS.
> 
> Still, most days I feel like I am choking, on fire, and being eaten from the inside out. And the strain and stress of it all in starting to show in my face.
> 
> Yet, I'm still here and working on recovery, wondering why I just walk away. (I woke up one day realized that 30 years of marriage was a lie)


It makes you wonder if R is even worth it. I feel for you.[/QUOTE]

I totally know where you are coming from.


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## Maxo

SoulCrushed16 said:


> This has been my life for almost a year. Yet, I find that I am still consumed with hurt, anger, humiliation, resentment, and rage. I guess I am the type that find it hard to let go and release my emotions.
> 
> My WS has agreed to transparency, password sharing to all devices, online phone call logs, and GPS.
> 
> Still, most days I feel like I am choking, on fire, and being eaten from the inside out. And the strain and stress of it all in starting to show in my face.
> 
> Yet, I'm still here and working on recovery, wondering why I just walk away. (I woke up one day realized that 30 years of marriage was a lie)


It makes you wonder if R is even worth it. I feel for you.[/QUOTE]

I would say you are very normal.a very small percentage of couples reconcile successfully,according to whzt I have read and what my counselor tells me.
Most of us are not wired to stomach the shiit sandwich our spouses served us.


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## PhillyGuy13

I wouldn't bother with therapy at this time. It's a waste of money. She has shown no remorse. If you go for counseling yourself I think that's great. Joint visit is a wasted time and money.

As others said, get back in the house. Get back to your kids. Get back in your bed. She can sleep in the basement.

I'm not a gym rat, but you've seen one gym you've seen them all. Her throwing a hissy fit over leaving the gym tells you all you need to to about how she feels. Doesn't think it was a big deal. Just sex with the beefcake her and friends were fighting for.

Probably a moot point now, VARS in the house are difficult unless she is someone who sits in a specific spot each time she is on the phone - kitchen table, office, bed. Or if she is like me she paces the house when on the phone. So planting a VAR in the right spot can be a crap shoot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree

These threads make me so sad and angry. What a waste. Throwing everything away for nothing. We humans can be so stupid.


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## straightshooter

And what is the reason now that you do not go to his boss and bathe gym or the owner and file a complaint????
I may be wrong but it appears you have proof or her admission she is still having sex with him ???

Get back in the house WITH divorce papers in hand .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed

Yes please get back into YOUR house! She doesn't get to stay there all comfortable while you accommodate her!


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## ThePheonix

ScrambledEggs said:


> It makes you wonder if R is even worth it. I feel for you.


If and only if the WS is eager to clean up their act and settle down to being happy travelling the road before them with their only spouse. Marriage, like a lot of things in life, means giving up certain freedoms and usually means certain friendships. In most case reported here, it seems the betrayed spouse is much more interested in initiating a reconciliation than the WS. By the time an affair occurs, its hard to put the genie back in the bottle and actions that should have occurred before the reconciliation simply won't occur at all.


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## happyman64

bfree said:


> These threads make me so sad and angry. What a waste. Throwing everything away for nothing. We humans can be so stupid.


*We humans can be so selfish.....*


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## ConanHub

I hear women are sooooo easy at....

What gym does she go to????


Sorry man. Dump this chump and work on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J.

Get her to come to my gym

Any trainers who get out of hand get shown the door quicker than Hussain Bolt

Really hope you haven't gone round and confronted that guy now this happened as you wont be able to control it


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## TX-SC

I'm hoping he's not in jail now.


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## Be smart

How are you doing my friend ? 

Go back to your House and to your Children. Tell your wife she can move in with her single friends or OM.

Dont beg her for Marriage,she showed you with her actions what she thinks about it and about you.

You should not give her "time" so she can be with OM or to find herself like they like to call it. When OM dumps her dont even think about accepting her back.

Expose this to family and friends you have (forget about those single girls)
Talk with your lawyer

Borrow some money from a family member,bank or whatever. You really need to get rid of her.

Stay strong.


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## ThePheonix

G.J. said:


> Really hope you haven't gone round and confronted that guy now this happened as you wont be able to control it


I don't think a normal healthy guy with a nice looking wife could live long enough to confront every guy who would nail her if she lets him in the door. I've been around long enough to know you can't depend on other guys make sure your girl walks the line.


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## G.J.

Of course


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## weltschmerz

bfree said:


> These threads make me so sad and angry. What a waste. Throwing everything away for nothing. We humans can be so stupid.


We humans are great supine protoplasmic invertebrate jellies, said a wise man.


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## G.J.

Bertie bassett


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## bandit.45

weltschmerz said:


> We humans are great supine protoplasmic invertebrate jellies, said a wise man.


Speak for yourself.


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## NotACop

Thanks for all the response guys. Been a very long week. She said the gym thing out of anger, but I went ballistic and packed. I refuse to deal with an instant of pushback.

I came up with a solution for the phone. Its backing up to icloud and I can use dr. fone to go through it at will. Its backing up about once a day. If there is anything going on on there, I'll see something pretty quickly. She has no idea its doing it, either, so she could easily think I won't check again and use it. Still hasn't contacted him. I've been forming a timeline with the evidence I have, so I have a pretty good idea what/when everything happened.

I don't know if its the fact that the shock has worn off now, but I'm actually having anxiety attacks now. My heart races all day, I've been crying (i know, tough guy) constantly, and I cant focus on anything. I just saw a counselor today for the first time, and felt a bit better right after, but its already started again. Guess this will be a long road. Funny how I, after being on SWAT for 5 years and a cop for 8, can have attacks like this. Nothing has ever affected me before. Guess it was that painful.

He did not work for the gym or conduct business there, he was just training at his separate gym (which is where the meetings took place). I would not go near him, expecially right now, because I have never had this big of a problem swallowing my emotions. 

She is still not going to the gym (thats not me trusting her either... everything is 100% verified from now on). She's searching for other gyms. Still going to try and work it out, not really just for the kids sake, but for hers. Not to mention I'm completely supported by her right now, so I'm pretty stuck till schools over. I owe it one shot to work it out. There will be no more trust and secrecy for a looooong time.


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## truster

Don't be afraid to get some anxiety or sleep meds from your counselor for at least a couple of weeks. I never used them (or a counselor) before the discovery incident, but man did they help. Would've been an unstable zombie for at least 2-3 weeks without them.


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## ConanHub

What is your plan for Reconciliation?

I am actually far more concerned about your health than the sham your WW made of this marriage.

Arrange the std tests yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

Your emotional and mental health seem shaky at best. I advise some distance for you to work through this and become unclouded.

I don't have a good feeling about your situation.

I think your wife is a very bad bet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

@NotACop, I feel like I should point out the following...

Each time you log into her iCloud account to review or retrieve backups via Dr. Fone, she's likely receiving a notification email at the email address associated w/ her iCloud account. If you don't want her to be aware that you're doing this, you need to be able to intercept these emails. Creating a persistent rule or filter to intercept and delete the notification emails as they come in will be the best way to do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013

I don't know if you could hide teensafe on the iphone but that would give you a copy of every text and call logs and location. 

The other thing is why not buy gear for the house for a home gym. 

Her going to the gym was never the issue. Her being around other men is. 


If she really wants to save this then she should be willing to do what it takes. I would also tell her to get a job or even a second job to pay for all of this. Its her mess to clean up. So she should have to pay for it. 

Me personally I don't ever suggest reconciling. Its never worth it. There are far better women out there. 

C


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## TX-SC

Clay2013 said:


> I don't know if you could hide teensafe on the iphone but that would give you a copy of every text and call logs and location.
> 
> The other thing is why not buy gear for the house for a home gym.
> 
> Her going to the gym was never the issue. Her being around other men is.
> 
> 
> If she really wants to save this then she should be willing to do what it takes. I would also tell her to get a job or even a second job to pay for all of this. Its her mess to clean up. So she should have to pay for it.
> 
> Me personally I don't ever suggest reconciling. Its never worth it. There are far better women out there.
> 
> C


Teensafe shows a notification that it is running in the background.


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## GusPolinski

I thought that Teensafe discontinued its iOS app in favor of an online utility that basically pulls data from iCloud backups...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555

NotACop said:


> Thanks for all the response guys. Been a very long week. She said the gym thing out of anger, but I went ballistic and packed. I refuse to deal with an instant of pushback.
> 
> I came up with a solution for the phone. Its backing up to icloud and I can use dr. fone to go through it at will. Its backing up about once a day. If there is anything going on on there, I'll see something pretty quickly. She has no idea its doing it, either, so she could easily think I won't check again and use it. Still hasn't contacted him. I've been forming a timeline with the evidence I have, so I have a pretty good idea what/when everything happened.
> 
> I don't know if its the fact that the shock has worn off now, but I'm actually having anxiety attacks now. My heart races all day, I've been crying (i know, tough guy) constantly, and I cant focus on anything. I just saw a counselor today for the first time, and felt a bit better right after, but its already started again. Guess this will be a long road. Funny how I, after being on SWAT for 5 years and a cop for 8, can have attacks like this. Nothing has ever affected me before. Guess it was that painful.
> 
> He did not work for the gym or conduct business there, he was just training at his separate gym (which is where the meetings took place). I would not go near him, expecially right now, because I have never had this big of a problem swallowing my emotions.
> 
> She is still not going to the gym (thats not me trusting her either... everything is 100% verified from now on). She's searching for other gyms. Still going to try and work it out, not really just for the kids sake, but for hers. Not to mention I'm completely supported by her right now, so I'm pretty stuck till schools over. I owe it one shot to work it out. There will be no more trust and secrecy for a looooong time.




You are rugsweeping and you are rugsweeping bigtimes. The panic attacks is your body and mind telling you that there is something wrong about the situation. 

@NotACop, you are setting yourself up with failure with your desperation to reconcile and keep the family together. The problem is not the gym, it is your wife.


She got caught cheating. Why would she even say something like that in anger ? How little must she think about you or your feelings to say such a thing, that too so soon after getting caught ?


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## SoulCrushed16

sparrow555 said:


> You are rugsweeping and you are rugsweeping bigtimes. The panic attacks is your body and mind telling you that there is something wrong about the situation.
> 
> @NotACop, you are setting yourself up with failure with your desperation to reconcile and keep the family together. The problem is not the gym, it is your wife.
> 
> 
> She got caught cheating. Why would she even say something like that in anger ? How little must she think about you or your feelings to say such a thing, that too so soon after getting caught ?


Unfortunately I agree with Sparrow here. There have been absolutely no consequences for your W. The only consequence is that she can't go back to the gym where the OM is at. Ummmm, you even left your home. You should've made her leave. You need to acquire some distance from her so that you can think things through. 
It's normal for you to feel anxious and even ill, that's your body's coping mechanism in this very stressful situation. Have you thought about some anxiety meds? Maybe so melatonin for sleep?


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## bryanp

Did you both get tested for STD's yet? The trainer is obviously a big player with lots 
of sexual conquests.


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## eric1

She needs to avoid anyplace, including a gym, with mixed sexes until she can work on her boundary issues.

Period


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## Satya

Yep, she should only be going to an all-womens gym.


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## Chaparral

Satya said:


> Yep, she should only be going to an all-womens gym.


Not to mention therapy.

btw, Costco has the best melatonin for a sleep aid I've found.


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## straightshooter

Not A Cop
Ok, so if I understand correctly she has not contacted him again and she has not had sex with him again yet. And you think you have verified that .
Like someone else said , her ****ing gym should be the least of her worries now. In this effort of reconciliation what is the agreement on her girlfriends ??
Is she still going to play Cupid and try to fix them up with him?
Is she still hanging out with these women who want it bang him also?

If the answer to those questions is yes, you are fooling yourself. And it appears these phone trackers will alert her .

You still I believe have no VAR anywhere . Her behavior is right out of the playbook. She backed off when you packed a bag , you let her off the hook . 

Don't pack any more bags . If you do that and do not follow through you have drawn a red line and not enforced it. 

If you give her any space at all she will use it to start this up again . And she probably thinks that she has you by the balls because of finances but has not put a pen and pencil how her life will change if you divorce her . She will be paying you and giving you half the marital assets . You are not helpless here ! 

You are now having health issues and she is most concerned about her gym. Does not seem too promising for you my friend .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

sony var's only cost about sixty dollars. They are worth their weight in gold. One for the car and one for when you are out. (for the burner phone)


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## Chaparral

The good news, she helps him get laid with her friends means it wasn't love.

Bad news, reeks of not the first affair.


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## Chaparral

The thing about var's is you can find out how she really feels by what she is telling her"friends."


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## ThePheonix

Chaparral said:


> The good news, she helps him get laid with her friends means it wasn't love.
> 
> Bad news, reeks of not the first affair.


The other bad news is her telling her old man she now a "wingman" for this cat may not be exactly true.


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## bandit.45

Chaparral said:


> The good news, she helps him get laid with her friends means it wasn't love.
> 
> Bad news, reeks of not the first affair.


Yeah the whole thing is just a big sex club fvckfest with him and herself and her friends. This woman is in up to her neck.


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## manfromlamancha

Listen NotACop - I am truly sorry for your predicament but you are coming at this from the wrong starting point.

OK - I understand that you love her and all that but here is the truth.

She FVCKED another [email protected]!!!! Without care or thought for you. She acted out on her primal urges and nothing (and I mean nothing) else mattered!

Your starting point really needs to be full exposure (including POSOM) and the marriage is over! She needs to be jumping through hoops to keep you or else be prepared for this really to be over!


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## Maxo

Chaparral said:


> The good news, she helps him get laid with her friends means it wasn't love.
> 
> Bad news, reeks of not the first affair.


I would be shocked if this is her first time. People like this are well practiced.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why you wish to stay married to her. You will have to play detective forever.


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## sparrow555

Satya said:


> Yep, she should only be going to an all-womens gym.


The problem is not the gym. It is her. If she wants to cheat, she will find a way.


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## happyman64

NotACop

You need to put more focus on you.....

Your wife has no respect for herself or you. That is clear.

Did she ask you to come home?

Are you back at home?

Have you exposed the Affair to her friends?

HM


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## ArmyofJuan

You are your own worst enemy, what's to stop her from getting a burner phone and starting a new A at a new gym? 

She didn't cheat because of you or even the OM, she did it because there's something wrong with her and it's not been fixed. As long as she thinks you are focused on saving the marriage she has little incentive to change her behavior.

There are worse things than divorce.


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## TaDor

Anxiety attacks are the worst thing. Its comes from betrayal from someone you trusted. People have preferred to be shot, stabbed or have broken bones than get a broken heart.

She needs to be in couples counseling with you 200%.


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## workindad

Chaparral said:


> The good news, she helps him get laid with her friends means it wasn't love.
> 
> Bad news, reeks of not the first affair.


Absolutely agree with this post.


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## Be smart

My friend you are making excuses for your wife over and over again. 

She literally can just sit at home and you will do all the talking about marriage and how sorry YOU ARE.

She didnt do anything for you to show you respect and love. Forget about crying please.

Also reading your posts her "Gym Membership" is your most important thing right now. Why ??? What about your life,yor kids life,your Marrige ?

You really want to reward her with her cheating !!!

Those friends have to go from your life. They knew about Affair,at least one of them,they supported each other and your wife wanted to swap him around. If you want to R they simply have to go. Never contact with them again. Same goes for OM and any other man in the future without your presence

I am going to say it again. Divorce her and be happy. Dont blame yourself for her cheating. Take care of your health.

Stay strong.


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## GusPolinski

Maxo said:


> I would be shocked if this is her first time. People like this are well practiced.
> 
> For the life of me, I cannot understand why you wish to stay married to her. You will have to play detective forever.


My money's on OP finishing out his degree on his WW's dime, rejoining the workforce, and then giving her the ol' heave-ho.

Pun intended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoulCrushed16

manfromlamancha said:


> Listen NotACop - I am truly sorry for your predicament but you are coming at this from the wrong starting point.
> 
> OK - I understand that you love her and all that but here is the truth.
> 
> She FVCKED another [email protected]!!!! Without care or thought for you. She acted out on her primal urges and nothing (and I mean nothing) else mattered!
> 
> Your starting point really needs to be full exposure (including POSOM) and the marriage is over! She needs to be jumping through hoops to keep you or else be prepared for this really to be over!


OP is too scared and too reliant on his W to actually do anything. There are absolutely ZERO consequences for his W.


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## CoolItMan

Married White Woman. Got cheated on.

This is a recording.


----------



## Kobold

I get the feeling that this is gonna be another one of those threads where the OP is given a hundred pages of good advice only for all of it to fall on deaf ears. I hope I'm wrong.


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## Divinely Favored

NotACop said:


> The friends who want to hook up with him are single. And I can even see in her texts that she was encouraging them to hook up with him. It seemed like a legit hook up attempt too... I dont know what to make of that


You realize when they hookup they are going to be filling your wife in on all the juicy details and she is gonna think I like it when he did that. You really want her girl friends giving her fresh mind pictures and keeping her motors of him fresh?

Does she realize if they become SO with him she will have to end their friendship to remain NC.

Get the damn VARs. Hell no she is not going to talk to him on the phone.....Its for what she talks to the friends about!!!!! One for the house and one for car. You would be a fool to not cover that base.

You realize the girl friends are talking to her about him....right. He knows their friends and will know shortly where she is going...they will tell him she now goes to other gym. So within a week he will be working out with her again. 

No way in hell should she be going to a gym with out YOU!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!

YOU SHOULD HAVE EXPOSED ALREADY!!!

You can hold off on your parents if you want, but I would tell her friends and her family.


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## Maxo

CoolItMan said:


> Married White Woman. Got cheated on.
> 
> This is a recording.


Wait,she' s white? How did I miss that?


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## SoulCrushed16

NotACop are you ok?


----------

