# Wife Leaving Me



## MrBigBoy

My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce) around the end of November of this year 2021. A few days ago she bought a storage unit and she's there now putting a few things into it. Even with the warning I feel like a deer in headlights. I know I know. I took her out to eat 1-2 days a week for the last few months hoping it would help make things better for us. I had hope. I mean things are bad sometimes but what marriage is 100% flawless? My son is out living with his friends, he just couldn't respect my rules(no marijuana, help around the house, etc.). I have no family or friends in this state. My closest relative over powers me with constant preaching(phone). My closest friend drinks daily and is always medicated with Vino(wine), this is how he deals with his passing wife(phone). I really don't know what's going to happen to me. My job(I'm the owner) is strenuous. And my wife used to relief some of that pressure with the paperwork. No son, no, with, no friends or family. I've never been alone. I have a slight cast of social anxiety.


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## bobert

For your poll, it would depend on the circumstances but the first thing I'd do is look for any evidence of an affair. I'd advise you to do the same.


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## MrBigBoy

I wanted to add something: My wife acts as though nothing is happening. In fact, she's acting happy. She yells when seeing someone on tv scoring a touchdown or sings and smiles like she's wanting me to know she's happy when cleaning up around the house. I'm trying to hide my pain.


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## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce) around the end of November of this year 2021. A few days ago she bought a storage unit and she's there now putting a few things into it. Even with the warning I feel like a deer in headlights. I know I know. I took her out to eat 1-2 days a week for the last few months hoping it would help make things better for us. I had hope. I mean things are bad sometimes but what marriage is 100% flawless? My son is out living with his friends, he just couldn't respect my rules(no marijuana, help around the house, etc.). I have no family or friends in this state. My closest relative over powers me with constant preaching(phone). My closest friend drinks daily and is always medicated with Vino(wine), this is how he deals with his passing wife(phone). I really don't know what's going to happen to me. My job(I'm the owner) is strenuous. And my wife used to relief some of that pressure with the paperwork. No son, no, with, no friends or family. I've never been alone. I have a slight cast of social anxiety.


I'm sorry that is happening.


MrBigBoy said:


> I wanted to add something: My wife acts as though nothing is happening. In fact, she's acting happy. She yells when seeing someone on tv scoring a touchdown or sings and smiles like she's wanting me to know she's happy when cleaning up around the house. I'm trying to hide my pain.


She grieved out the loss of her marriage a long time ago. For whatever is the root reason for her wanting out of the marriage, she dealt with it a long time ago.

It's kind of akin to when a spouse with a terminal illness finally dies and the living spouse shrugs their shoulders and remarries soon after. They aren't being cold, they just grieved it out a long time ago.


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## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> I'm sorry that is happening.
> 
> She grieved out the loss of her marriage a long time ago. For whatever is the root reason for her wanting out of the marriage, she dealt with it a long time ago.
> 
> It's kind of akin to when a spouse with a terminal illness finally dies and the living spouse shrugs their shoulders and remarries soon after. They aren't being cold, they just grieved it out a long time ago.


I'm assuming by this time(grieved out the loss stage) it's too late?


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## jlg07

She's happy because she's leaving and will be able to live a single life. I would CERTAINLY check her phone records/email/etc.. 
What are her reasons for leaving?


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## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm assuming by this time(grieved out the loss stage) it's too late?


It may be.
I'm sorry.

The only thing you can do, in hope of saving the marriage is to ask her for her terms and then live up to them.

If she's like most women, she's been telling through the years what to do and you haven't been mindful.


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## Andy1001

You keep asking for help and when people advise you to do something you don’t do it. 
1. You have a wife that is completely disrespectful to you, she has you so scared of being on your own that you come across as pathetic. She forced you to go to therapy and when she seen that you were starting to see through her bs she called and insulted your therapist. Then the therapist refused to accept you as a patient. 
2. Your son is a waster. You keep throwing him out and then letting him come back with boundaries set and he pisses on your boundaries. Rinse and repeat. 
3. When your wife left you for three months you started to take control of your life. You were having counselling, buying cooking utensils and improving yourself. When she seen this she got worried that you were starting to move on without her so she moved back in and your pathetic situation recommenced. 
4. Your wife is going nowhere. She is manipulating you and when she decides to stay you will be so ****in grateful that you will do anything that she wants. 
5. Two years ago that when your wife left you should have divorced her but you didn’t. 
6. You say you have no friends well the easiest way to get a friend is to be one. Why don’t you do some volunteering at a shelter (Animal or human) and just try and occupy your time instead of having a pity party.


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## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> She's happy because she's leaving and will be able to live a single life. I would CERTAINLY check her phone records/email/etc..
> What are her reasons for leaving?


Her reasons: Things that happened 15 years ago, arguing, fighting, etc. I was/am confused about this.


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## jlg07

I would DEF check the phone bill and phone (if you can -- txt messages) and email. If she is reaching back to 15 YEARS ago, but hasn't brought it up before now, I think she may be trying to re-write the marital history because she wants to, or already IS, involved with someone else.


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## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> She's happy because she's leaving and will be able to live a single life. I would CERTAINLY check her phone records/email/etc..
> What are her reasons for leaving?


I don't have access to those.


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## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> It may be.
> I'm sorry.
> 
> The only thing you can do, in hope of saving the marriage is to ask her for her terms and then live up to them.
> 
> If she's like most women, she's been telling through the years what to do and you haven't been mindful.


She's already said there's nothing I can do.


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## MrBigBoy

Andy1001 said:


> You keep asking for help and when people advise you to do something you don’t do it.
> 1. You have a wife that is completely disrespectful to you, she has you so scared of being on your own that you come across as pathetic. She forced you to go to therapy and when she seen that you were starting to see through her bs she called and insulted your therapist. Then the therapist refused to accept you as a patient.
> 2. Your son is a waster. You keep throwing him out and then letting him come back with boundaries set and he pisses on your boundaries. Rinse and repeat.
> 3. When your wife left you for three months you started to take control of your life. You were having counselling, buying cooking utensils and improving yourself. When she seen this she got worried that you were starting to move on without her so she moved back in and your pathetic situation recommenced.
> 4. Your wife is going nowhere. She is manipulating you and when she decides to stay you will be so ****in grateful that you will do anything that she wants.
> 5. Two years ago that when your wife left you should have divorced her but you didn’t.
> 6. You say you have no friends well the easiest way to get a friend is to be one. Why don’t you do some volunteering at a shelter (Animal or human) and just try and occupy your time instead of having a pity party.


1. You are absolutely right.
2. You are absolutely right. But at least I throw him back out, right?
3. You are absolutely right. I'm picking the books back up again and ordering more. 
4. You are right and wrong. I wont do anything she wants. 
5. Maybe. But that goes against scriptures. 
6. I agree and I will definitely consider this. Thanks for this tip. 
But you have to remember, I love her. Always have, always will.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Let her go. Give her what she wants. Tell her you feel the same and you want her happiness. Ask her to move out.


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## MrBigBoy

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Let her go. Give her what she wants. Tell her you feel the same and you want her happiness. Ask her to move out.


She's leaving by the end of this month(Nov). She started putting a few of her things into her storage unit today.


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## TexasMom1216

If someone gets to the point they’re threatening to leave, they’ve either already made up their mind or they’re trying to manipulate you. Neither situation is worth your time.


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## MrBigBoy

You all have to remember I have never been alone. Ever. I may,...I do have some social anxiety issues.


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## MrBigBoy

TexasMom1216 said:


> If someone gets to the point they’re threatening to leave, they’ve either already made up their mind or they’re trying to manipulate you. Neither situation is worth your time.


I don't think she's trying to manipulate me. She's not asking anything from me other than I should hurry and hire someone to help with the paperwork.


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## MrBigBoy

This will be my first Thanksgiving alone in 50 years. Christmas, New Years,... etc.


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## Andy1001

MrBigBoy said:


> This will be my first Thanksgiving alone in 50 years. Christmas, New Years,... etc.


So do something about it. Places are opening up why don’t you book a vacation or just an overnight trip so you aren’t on your own. You say you have a twin, are you in contact and would a visit be possible?


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## MrBigBoy

Andy1001 said:


> So do something about it. Places are opening up why don’t you book a vacation or just an overnight trip so you aren’t on your own. You say you have a twin, are you in contact and would a visit be possible?


He's a minister. He just preaches, non stop.


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## ltsandwich

My man. You really need to read more scripture. Then you'd know there are other grounds for divorce including abandonment, which is what she did. You pleading for her to come back just proves you don't love yourself.

Why the hell should she at this point. You put your head in the sand with scary stuff and act surprised this happened with similar crap happened before.

We won't coddle you. She doesn't want you. Let her go. Figure out a new life, even if you have to sell your business by having her sell her side to you and move to cheap area. Live a new life and figure out how to be happy without her.


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## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> She's already said there's nothing I can do.


Then there is nothing you can do. It is now down to business to divide assets in an equitable manner. 
You can't let the dissolution of your marriage keep you from doing business.


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## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I don't think she's trying to manipulate me. She's not asking anything from me other than I should hurry and hire someone to help with the paperwork.


That's what you have to do.
Marriage is all about the partnership, but the dissolution of marriage is all about business.


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## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> You all have to remember I have never been alone. Ever. I may,...I do have some social anxiety issues.


Don't do drugs or alcohol to cope.
You're going to have to man-up and start socializing on your own.
Take up some interests that you've never done before.


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## TexasMom1216

MrBigBoy said:


> You all have to remember I have never been alone. Ever. I may,...I do have some social anxiety issues.


I think you are going to be very pleasantly surprised at your own personal strength as well as how much happier you will be without her negativity. Some things are worse than being alone. You may have a tough couple of months, but I believe you will come out of this stronger and happier.


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## TexasMom1216

MrBigBoy said:


> He's a minister. He just preaches, non stop.


Ugh. Yeah, that will NOT help.


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## Tested_by_stress

If you are in an at fault state, it may be worth your while to hire a PI to see if there is another man.


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## lifeistooshort

I looked over your older threads.

Are you still "teasing" her regularly even though she's made clear she doesn't like it?


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## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> You all have to remember I have never been alone. Ever. I may,...I do have some social anxiety issues.


Then you need to get yourself into therapy and also talk with your Dr -- they may have meds that can temp. help with anxiety, BUT get therapy to help you get coping mechanisms for this.


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Her reasons: Things that happened 15 years ago, arguing, fighting, etc. I was/am confused about this.


Justifying her actions. Check your phone bill.


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## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


> I don't have access to those.


Why not?


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## In Absentia

I've skimmed a couple of your previous posts. It seems to me you've had endless problems in your marriage (being abusive, your teasing, druggy son) and you wife obviously detached and now she is ready to go. Unfortunately, many women will do that if they feel unsupported and lose their emotional connection and respect for their partner. Not sure what to suggest. Let her go, book a therapist for your anxiety and try and build a new life for yourself.


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## Cynthia

You say you don't want to divorce her because you think the Bible says you can't, yet you are not following other scriptures in how you live your life. If you really want to do what the Bible says, I recommend you spend daily time reading it and praying, asking the Lord to lead you. Teasing your wife, when she finds it upsetting is a form of abuse. The Bible calls it reviling. It is a serious sin. If you think it's funny to upset your wife, you have a lot more to concern yourself with than whether or not she is divorcing you. Your concern should be in dealing with the issues in your own heart.


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## colingrant

MrBigBoy said:


> 1. You are absolutely right.
> 2. You are absolutely right. But at least I throw him back out, right?
> 3. You are absolutely right. I'm picking the books back up again and ordering more.
> 4. You are right and wrong. I wont do anything she wants.
> 5. Maybe. But that goes against scriptures.
> 6. I agree and I will definitely consider this. Thanks for this tip.
> *But you have to remember, I love her. Always have, always will.*


No shame in loving your wife. Their might be some shame however if you can't live your life without her and she is happy looking at a future life without you. You stay with people who love you and want to be with you. However you shouldn't be with people who don't want to be with you and disrespect you along the way.

Make the distinction of loving someone of which you no longer have a "relationship" with and being IN a loving relationship. It's very important to acknowledge the difference. If you don't you'll permit yourself to pursue a 1-way relationship. Many people love others but realize they cannot be in a relationship with them. The sooner you are there the sooner you can begin a recovery process and prepare living in a 2-way loving relationship in your future.

*Edit*: I want to come across a little more empathetic here in a sincere way. First I appreciate the degree of pain and agony you are going through. Furthermore I want to acknowledge your fear of being without her. Unless one has been betrayed and facing a life of loneliness, one simply can't appreciate the degree of permanent anxiety and hurt you feel daily.

Man, I am very, very saddened by what has transpired. Turn to God for strength and you will find it.


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## Beach123

MrBigBoy said:


> I wanted to add something: My wife acts as though nothing is happening. In fact, she's acting happy. She yells when seeing someone on tv scoring a touchdown or sings and smiles like she's wanting me to know she's happy when cleaning up around the house. I'm trying to hide my pain.


She likely met someone she is interested in.
Move forward knowing she has left the marriage.
If she doesn’t work full time tell her to start working!

Close all accounts with her name attached to yours - NOW!


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## MrBigBoy

Tested_by_stress said:


> If you are in an at fault state, it may be worth your while to hire a PI to see if there is another man.


Fault state? She admitted to talking to someone at her part time job. I found out when she had an accident(leaving work) and the guy was in the car(she was dropping him off) and on the accident report. She claims nothing physical happened.


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## MrBigBoy

lifeistooshort said:


> I looked over your older threads.
> 
> Are you still "teasing" her regularly even though she's made clear she doesn't like it?


No. I used to try to lighten up the air with humor. I stopped.


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## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> Why not?


I don't know her email passwords or phone passcode. Should I know this?


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Fault state? She admitted to talking to someone at her part time job. I found out when she had an accident(leaving work) and the guy was in the car(she was dropping him off) and on the accident report. She claims nothing physical happened.


If somethings going on shes not going to tell you.


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## MrBigBoy

Cynthia said:


> You say you don't want to divorce her because you think the Bible says you can't, yet you are not following other scriptures in how you live your life. If you really want to do what the Bible says, I recommend you spend daily time reading it and praying, asking the Lord to lead you. Teasing your wife, when she finds it upsetting is a form of abuse. The Bible calls it reviling. It is a serious sin. If you think it's funny to upset your wife, you have a lot more to concern yourself with than whether or not she is divorcing you. Your concern should be in dealing with the issues in your own heart.


No, not in a taunting way. Friendly, trying to make her smile.


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Fault state? She admitted to talking to someone at her part time job. I found out when she had an accident(leaving work) and the guy was in the car(she was dropping him off) and on the accident report. She claims nothing physical happened.


Does adultery count against alimony in your state?


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## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Does adultery count against alimony in your state?


I dont know, ill find out. But how could I prove adultery?


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## MrBigBoy

MrBigBoy said:


> I dont know, ill find out. But how could I prove adultery?


Just checked, [ A spouse who commits adultery in ..........* isn't eligible to receive alimony*. The only exception is if the faithful spouse condoned the adultery, meaning knew about and allowed the affair. ]


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I dont know, ill find out. But how could I prove adultery?


Your best bet is get to an attorney and figure out if it matters. If it’s a no fault state then it’s not worth your time/money. Quit floundering around. Get to a good attorney.


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## MrBigBoy

I bought a few books. I'm about 40% into this one. I like it: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond): Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti: 9781886230699: Amazon.com: Books


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Just checked, [ A spouse who commits adultery in ..........* isn't eligible to receive alimony*. The only exception is if the faithful spouse condoned the adultery, meaning knew about and allowed the affair. ]


Ok, then see an attorney and go from there. Your best bet if it is adultery is probably with a private investigator but only if it’s worth it. they are expecting.

However, if your incomes are close it may not matter. Quit standing around doing nothings and protect yourself.


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## MrBigBoy

How can you prove someone is having sex? Is dating considered adultery? Just curious.


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I bought a few books. I'm about 40% into this one. I like it: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond): Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti: 9781886230699: Amazon.com: Books


That’s find but reading books while you are in financial jeopardy isn’t a great idea. Wake up! She’s probably already seen an attorney an has this planned out.
Most will take everything they can get their hands on.


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> How can you prove someone is having sex? Is dating considered adultery? Just curious.


You’d need data like text messages, actual voice recordings, photos, videos, etc. I’ll say this one more time. Get to an attorney.


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I don't think she's trying to manipulate me. She's not asking anything from me other than I should hurry and hire someone to help with the paperwork.


They all say this upfront. Then boom!!!!


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## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> That’s find but reading books while you are in financial jeopardy isn’t a great idea. Wake up! She’s probably already seen an attorney an has this planned out.
> Most will take everything they can get their hands on.


We have two properties, I wont fight her. I love her.


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## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> They all say this upfront. Then boom!!!!


I will. I know an attorney.


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> We have two properties, I wont fight her. I love her.


She doesn’t love you. So what’s that going to get you?


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## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> She doesn’t love you. So what’s that going to get you?


I know.


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I know.


It’s your life but I wouldn’t roll over and get walked on. I’ve never seen where being a martyr gets you a thing. At least protect your fair share.


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## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


> I don't know her email passwords or phone passcode. Should I know this?


Yes, of course you should know her passcode, how do you not?
And you should have full access to all of her devices. And vice versa if she wants. 
That is a basic expectation in a marriage as far as I’m concerned.


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## Beach123

MrBigBoy said:


> We have two properties, I wont fight her. I love her.


Don’t be a fool. She’s the enemy now and doesn’t want to be married anymore. 
Protect yourself and your future!!!
If you don’t she will use you and ruin your future.
Close all joint accounts. Or at least take half of what’s there! If you don’t she will take ALL of what’s there and available to you!

You may think you love her but she no longer loves you. She likely thinks she loves someone new. And she will screw you over if you don’t start doing things to protect yourself.

Ask an attorney how you show proof that she’s cheating… because she is.

Print out ALL balances on credit cards so you have a date and what those balances are - she may start spending big on credit cards!


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## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> Yes, of course you should know her passcode, how do you not?
> And you should have full access to all of her devices. And vice versa if she wants.
> That is a basic expectation in a marriage as far as I’m concerned.


I agree, not sure how it got to this.


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## MrBigBoy

Beach123 said:


> Don’t be a fool. She’s the enemy now and doesn’t want to be married anymore.
> Protect yourself and your future!!!
> If you don’t she will use you and ruin your future.
> Close all joint accounts. Or at least take half of what’s there! If you don’t she will take ALL of what’s there and available to you!
> 
> You may think you love her but she no longer loves you. She likely thinks she loves someone new. And she will screw you over if you don’t start doing things to protect yourself.
> 
> Ask an attorney how you show proof that she’s cheating… because she is.
> 
> Print out ALL balances on credit cards so you have a date and what those balances are - she may start spending big on credit cards!


I am the only one with credit cards. We share a savings and a checking, but I have other accounts(business accounts and a personal checking). 
This crap is making my stomach hurt. I'm scared. I have no one. No one seems to give a f*&k. When I called my only friend he's drunk and talks about physics, life and rambles about odd things.


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## MrBigBoy

ltsandwich said:


> My man. You really need to read more scripture. Then you'd know there are other grounds for divorce including abandonment, which is what she did. You pleading for her to come back just proves you don't love yourself.
> 
> Why the hell should she at this point. You put your head in the sand with scary stuff and act surprised this happened with similar crap happened before.
> 
> We won't coddle you. She doesn't want you. Let her go. Figure out a new life, even if you have to sell your business by having her sell her side to you and move to cheap area. Live a new life and figure out how to be happy without her.


So tough love? Is tough love always the answer? Some people may decide to check out from the pressure, ya know? Her separating isn't grounds for a biblical bill of divorce if she comes back(or with the intentions of coming back). I've been living with her longer than living without her. It would have been weird had I not pleaded for her to come back.


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## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> So tough love? Is tough love always the answer? Some people may decide to check out from the pressure, ya know? Her separating isn't grounds for a biblical bill of divorce if she comes back(or with the intentions of coming back). I've been living with her longer than living without her. It would have been weird had I not pleaded for her to come back.


Her actions tell you what? Sorry man but you appear to ignore the signs everyone else is seeing. 
You don’t want to see it but you’re here for a reason.


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## Marc878

Your plight is not uncommon. If you read a few you’ll see a lot lived on hopium and denial right up until the end.
There was one a few years ago going through the same thing. He would not listen or see it until he walked into his wayward wife’s new apartment and she was having dinner with her AP. She married her AP right after the divorce and introduced their son to him right away.
Sorry but no one can help you until you help yourself. START BY GETTING TO AN ATTORNEY!!!!


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## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> *So tough love?* Is tough love always the answer? Some people may decide to check out from the pressure, ya know? Her separating isn't grounds for a biblical bill of divorce if she comes back(or with the intentions of coming back). I've been living with her longer than living without her. It would have been weird had I not pleaded for her to come back.


Tough love?? NO dude...The truth, plainly the truth that you refuse to see and is trying to arm wrestle. It makes one to see that your wife might have a point after all in leaving you. She must have had it with you, while you continue to no accept it. That's just plainly not only a form of controlling behavior, but also lack of self respect. You must lack self respect if you are trying to retain someone that doesn't want you.


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## Trident

You live in one of the few states where infidelity (if proven) will mean you don't have to pay spousal maintenance, and you are the breadwinner.

I suggest you also check your states support calculators and get an idea of how much you'd be paying her and for how long. Take a good hard look at those numbers and think about how much the inevitable divorce will cost you, then rethink your statement that since you love her, you won't fight her.

Maybe look at it from her perspective- she decided she wants out, there's as good chance she's screwing some other guy, and she naturally expects you to support her for the rest of her natural life. Hopefully you won't have to but she'll take whatever she can get. And there you are saying "I love you so I'll give you whatever you want".

Doesn't really sound like such a good way to handle things.

One possibility is to approach her and say "I understand you're unhappy and want out, and although it's not my choice, I don't want to stay with a person who wants to be with someone else, so how about we draw up papers for a noncontestested advice, and get this done". If she agrees, then step two would be to clarify that she is willing to split your assets fairly which typically is 50/50 of anything obtained during the marriage (including retirement accounts) and that there will be no spousal support paid. See how agreeable she is.


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## Rob_1

Trident said:


> You live in one of the few states where infidelity (if proven) will mean you don't have to pay spousal maintenance, and you are the breadwinner.
> 
> I suggest you also check your states support calculators and get an idea of how much you'd be paying her and for how long. Take a good hard look at those numbers and think about how much the inevitable divorce will cost you, then rethink your statement that since you love her, you won't fight her.
> 
> Maybe look at it from her perspective- she decided she wants out, there's as good chance she's screwing some other guy, and she naturally expects you to support her for the rest of her natural life. Hopefully you won't have to but she'll take whatever she can get. And there you are saying "I love you so I'll give you whatever you want".
> 
> Doesn't really sound like such a good way to handle things.
> 
> One possibility is to approach her and say "I understand you're unhappy and want out, and although it's not my choice, I don't want to stay with a person who wants to be with someone else, so how about we draw up papers for a noncontestested advice, and get this done". If she agrees, then step two would be to clarify that she is willing to split your assets fairly which typically is 50/50 of anything obtained during the marriage (including retirement accounts) and that there will be no spousal support paid. See how agreeable she is.


This is what he should be doing instead of burying his head in the sand.


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## re16

So she is moving out and leaving... is she divorcing you? Have you discussed what the true status of your marriage is?

I would shut down all joint cards, create a new bank account for just yourself and transfer 50% of all available cash into it. Put your upcoming paychecks into the new account.

This is happening because of the other guy, she is branching over to him, likely has it all setup. I wouldn't be surprised if where she moves to, he's moving there also.


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## Trident

re16 said:


> I would shut down all joint cards, create a new bank account for just yourself and transfer 50% of all available cash into it. Put your upcoming paychecks into the new account.


^Some good advice right there. Complete disentanglement of finances.

She's making it much easier for you by her moving out and getting her own place, for so many reasons that are beyond the scope of this post but what I suggest you do, since you live in a "fault state" where proving infidelity can save you bigtime, you let her do her thing and get her under surveillance using a PI who will compile evidence that can ultimately used to prove your case. This is assuming that she will not agree to no spousal support in the first place. You just might get lucky and she'll sign off on it and you can save a lot of time and money. But that's unlikely.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Trident said:


> ^Some good advice right there. Complete disentanglement of finances.
> 
> She's making it much easier for you by her moving out and getting her own place, for so many reasons that are beyond the scope of this post but what I suggest you do, since you live in a "fault state" where proving infidelity can save you bigtime, you let her do her thing and get her under surveillance using a PI who will compile evidence that can ultimately used to prove your case. This is assuming that she will not agree to no spousal support in the first place. You just might get lucky and she'll sign off on it and you can save a lot of time and money. But that's unlikely.


These scary thoughts are killing me.


----------



## Trident

Look at it as a business arrangement gone wrong. That's what marriage really is, and now that the contract needs to be broken, the ultimate goal is to get out of it as inexpensively and quickly as possible. 

If she's involved with another guy, then sure it's going to hurt but it will help you in the short term because she's focused on him and wants to get away from you and that may give you a better deal. 

Try to look at this in a positive way no matter how difficult it may be. Push the emotions to the side and get down to business. The sooner the better.


----------



## pamelad

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce) around the end of November of this year 2021. A few days ago she bought a storage unit and she's there now putting a few things into it. Even with the warning I feel like a deer in headlights. I know I know. I took her out to eat 1-2 days a week for the last few months hoping it would help make things better for us. I had hope. I mean things are bad sometimes but what marriage is 100% flawless? My son is out living with his friends, he just couldn't respect my rules(no marijuana, help around the house, etc.). I have no family or friends in this state. My closest relative over powers me with constant preaching(phone). My closest friend drinks daily and is always medicated with Vino(wine), this is how he deals with his passing wife(phone). I really don't know what's going to happen to me. My job(I'm the owner) is strenuous. And my wife used to relief some of that pressure with the paperwork. No son, no, with, no friends or family. I've never been alone. I have a slight cast of social anxiety.


Hi. I can empathize with you. My husband and best friend for the last 30 yrs walked out on me on March 17th of this. No notice, no warning and has not consented to have a single word since. He has pushed through a divorce that will probably occur in the next couple of weeks. Still no explanation. I also have NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. We were each others. Are you still working. That will help you to stay busy and meet some new people. But if your wife wants this over just file for divorce you may not be able to change her mind. Hire secretary or young student who is intelligent and can help you with the paperwork or one of the many unemployed because of cover that should help. Do you have any suggestions for me/


----------



## pamelad

MrBigBoy said:


> This will be my first Thanksgiving alone in 50 years. Christmas, New Years,... etc.


Yes every holiday this year I have been alone. Easter, July 4 my birthday thanksgiving, Christmas New Years, I was also alone during hurricane Ida sheltering in my home. And now for 3 months trying to get it repaired. Also dealing with all the bills, vehicle my husband left her, his clothing, his phone ,computer every sock, every shirt, shoe, special item. HE LEFT IT all. Married on Valentines day 29 yrs ago dated for 10 yrs prior and still have no answer as to why he ran away except maybe his health since he is 78 and the drs said they could not do anymore heart procedures. So he left me in a city I have wanted to relocate from for 40 yrs and he ran away to stay with a daughter from his first marriage.


----------



## Cynthia

@pamelad, I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament. If you would like advice for your particular issue, you can start a thread explaining what you need help with. You won't get the help you need in a thread designed for someone else's issue.


----------



## MrBigBoy

pamelad said:


> Hi. I can empathize with you. My husband and best friend for the last 30 yrs walked out on me on March 17th of this. No notice, no warning and has not consented to have a single word since. He has pushed through a divorce that will probably occur in the next couple of weeks. Still no explanation. I also have NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. We were each others. Are you still working. That will help you to stay busy and meet some new people. But if your wife wants this over just file for divorce you may not be able to change her mind. Hire secretary or young student who is intelligent and can help you with the paperwork or one of the many unemployed because of cover that should help. Do you have any suggestions for me/


Wow, sorry to hear this Pamela. How long ago was this? From an older man that has been married for 30 years, If I left my wife without a word would be because I had no plans of fixing anything, ever. I strengthen myself with this tip that I am going to share with you; We have to take care of ourselves better than they did, If we can't do that then they should have left us.


----------



## MrBigBoy

MrBigBoy said:


> Wow, sorry to hear this Pamela. How long ago was this? From an older man that has been married for 30 years, If I left my wife without a word would be because I had no plans of fixing anything, ever. I strengthen myself with this tip that I am going to share with you; We have to take care of ourselves better than they did, If we can't do that then they should have left us.


Also Pamela, I'm currently reading this book and recommend it: (summary) http://mysecondchance.ca/Marriage Files/Rebuilding.pdf
I bought a used copy:


Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends... book by Robert Alberti



Also I bought this after reading the reviews:








Divorce Care: Hope, Help and Healing During and After Your Divorce


More than half of all marriages end in divorce - even among church-goers. Chances are, you or someone you know has been through it. This 365-day devotional offers help and healing, focusing on thirteen core issues.Dozens of today's most-respected and well-know Christian leaders and psychologists...




www.christianbook.com


----------



## MrBigBoy

I took my wife to Ruth's Chris last night for dinner, it was over booked so we went to Longhorn. Someone advised me to make a real attempt to save my marriage. We talked, laughed and played a game on her phone while we waited to be seated. After dinner in the car on the way home she assured that she was done and sorry that it wasn't going to work out like I'd hoped. The book that I'm reading has 5 stages, from what I can tell I'm at stage 4.


----------



## marko polo

MrBigBoy said:


> These scary thoughts are killing me.


You should assume the worst until proven otherwise. Plan and make preparations accordingly. Should the worst actually be realized you will be prepared as opposed to blindsided.

Do what you can to fast track the divorce. Your wife is long gone from the marriage for whatever reason.


----------



## Blondilocks

MrBigBoy said:


> I took my wife to Ruth's Chris last night for dinner, it was over booked so we went to Longhorn. Someone advised me to make a real attempt to save my marriage. We talked, laughed and played a game on her phone while we waited to be seated. After dinner in the car on the way home she assured that she was done and sorry that it wasn't going to work out like I'd hoped. The book that I'm reading has 5 stages, from what I can tell I'm at stage 4.


You ain't going to buy her love by taking her to an over-priced steak house. What were you thinking? Good thing Ruth's was over booked as that would have been a very bad investment.

The only thing that might get your wife's attention is if she sees you behaving like a fully functional adult. Develop an interest that gets you out of the house, make a friend, improve your wardrobe and learn how to cook. Your comment about taking your wife out to eat 1 or 2 nights a week for the last few months in an effort to improve the marriage indicates that she was stuck in the kitchen the majority of the marriage.


----------



## MrBigBoy

marko polo said:


> You should assume the worst until proven otherwise. Plan and make preparations accordingly. Should the worst actually be realized you will be prepared as opposed to blindsided.
> 
> Do what you can to fast track the divorce. Your wife is long gone from the marriage for whatever reason.


Yeah I agree. I'm finally coming to terms with that understanding. Thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Blondilocks said:


> You ain't going to buy her love by taking her to an over-priced steak house. What were you thinking? Good thing Ruth's was over booked as that would have been a very bad investment.
> 
> The only thing that might get your wife's attention is if she sees you behaving like a fully functional adult. Develop an interest that gets you out of the house, make a friend, improve your wardrobe and learn how to cook. Your comment about taking your wife out to eat 1 or 2 nights a week for the last few months in an effort to improve the marriage indicates that she was stuck in the kitchen the majority of the marriage.


I agree with your comment. I dropped most of my personal interest and I'm sure I was needy. You're dead on right. She kept asking me to grill, like I said I would, but she cooked on the outdoor grill and did all the general cooking. And I have no friends, just relied on her, probably exhausted her. This advice could have saved my marriage. Thanks.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I took my wife to Ruth's Chris last night for dinner, it was over booked so we went to Longhorn. Someone advised me to make a real attempt to save my marriage. We talked, laughed and played a game on her phone while we waited to be seated. After dinner in the car on the way home she assured that she was done and sorry that it wasn't going to work out like I'd hoped. The book that I'm reading has 5 stages, from what I can tell I'm at stage 4.


Doing the infamous “pick me dance” never works. You chase they move farther away.
Rewarding bad behavior gets you what? More of it.

A lot just won’t listen though. They just come here to vent.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Doing the infamous “pick me dance” never works. You chase they move farther away.
> Rewarding bad behavior gets you what? More of it.
> 
> A lot just won’t listen though. They just come here to vent.


I think venting is a necessary stage.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I think venting is a necessary stage.


Nothing wrong with that. No contact is your best path. You can only control yourself.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I don


Blondilocks said:


> You ain't going to buy her love by taking her to an over-priced steak house. What were you thinking? Good thing Ruth's was over booked as that would have been a very bad investment.
> 
> The only thing that might get your wife's attention is if she sees you behaving like a fully functional adult. Develop an interest that gets you out of the house, make a friend, improve your wardrobe and learn how to cook. Your comment about taking your wife out to eat 1 or 2 nights a week for the last few months in an effort to improve the marriage indicates that she was stuck in the kitchen the majority of the marriage.


I do have a slight case of undiagnosed social anxiety. Any tips on how to get over that or could you recommend a book or something?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I don
> 
> I do have a slight case of undiagnosed social anxiety. Any tips on how to get over that or could you recommend a book or something?


The best way to confront phobias or phobic-like conditions is to push your comfort level to its limit and maintain that position until you become comfortable with it before you push farther out.

I had a deathly fear of heights. I could not be comfortable more than a couple of stories. When I had a chance to go to the top floor of the Manulife Place, the tallest building in my city at the time, I hit the floor when I looked out the window. I just could not handle the height. I had to crawl to the stairway to get away from that.

So, I decided to challenge it. When I had a chance to go up a few floors and go down, I did just that. I would go up as high as I could and I would stay there until I had enough and then, at some point, I would go up again and maintain the position until I eventually became comfortable at that height. When the Exhibition would come to town, I would ride the100' ferris wheel, even though it meant holding on to the pole for dear through the ride. I would keep doing that until I became comfortable with it.

Since then, I've been in taller buildings and I can look down without too much fear.

So, that's the best way to address it. Whatever gives you social anxiety, go do that and do it until you are uncomfortable. Don't condemn yourself when you quit, because you were brave to have even decided to do something about it. At some point later, do it again and again and again. Until you are reasonably comfortable and then push yourself farther. 

You don't need to eat the whole hog in this process.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> The best way to confront phobias or phobic-like conditions is to push your comfort level to its limit and maintain that position until you become comfortable with it before you push farther out.
> 
> I had a deathly fear of heights. I could not be comfortable more than a couple of stories. When I had a chance to go to the top floor of the Manulife Place, the tallest building in my city at the time, I hit the floor when I looked out the window. I just could not handle the height. I had to crawl to the stairway to get away from that.
> 
> So, I decided to challenge it. When I had a chance to go up a few floors and go down, I did just that. I would go up as high as I could and I would stay there until I had enough and then, at some point, I would go up again and maintain the position until I eventually became comfortable at that height. When the Exhibition would come to town, I would ride the100' ferris wheel, even though it meant holding on to the pole for dear through the ride. I would keep doing that until I became comfortable with it.
> 
> Since then, I've been in taller buildings and I can look down without too much fear.
> 
> So, that's the best way to address it. Whatever gives you social anxiety, go do that and do it until you are uncomfortable. Don't condemn yourself when you quit, because you were brave to have even decided to do something about it. At some point later, do it again and again and again. Until you are reasonably comfortable and then push yourself farther.
> 
> You don't need to eat the whole hog in this process.


I'll think about that. I have a slight fear of just going places alone, grocery stores, parks, general public places, etc. I go to work and talk with people because I have to. I went to college because I had to. Sometimes it was like a had a mask on in public. Looking back on it now I am actually proud of myself for being able to go to school. Maybe it gets worse with age. I don't know. And I'm pretty sure this is also one of my wife's issues with me. Lately I have been stopping at the grocery store and buying a few things. This is a big deal for me.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I'll think about that. I have a slight fear of just going places alone, grocery stores, parks, general public places, etc. I go to work and talk with people because I have to. I went to college because I had to. Sometimes it was like a had a mask on in public. Looking back on it now I am actually proud of myself for being able to go to school. Maybe it gets worse with age. I don't know. And I'm pretty sure this is also one of my wife's issues with me. Lately I have been stopping at the grocery store and buying a few things. This is a big deal for me.


Four points to that. 

1. Wear sunglasses, so you don't draw attention to the fearful look in your eyes.
2. Nobody is going to notice you, unless you are dancing in the street. They may look at you, but that's because they themselves tend to notice others around them more than average. But they are not thinking about you specifically. 
3. Smile when interacting, so the other person feels more comfortable. People tend to mirror the other person. If you act withdrawn, they will withdraw from you. If you smile, they will smile. 
4. It is a big deal. You are confronting your fears when you go out. That is something to be happy about.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Four points to that.
> 
> 1. Wear sunglasses, so you don't draw attention to the fearful look in your eyes.
> 2. Nobody is going to notice you, unless you are dancing in the street. They may look at you, but that's because they themselves tend to notice others around them more than average. But they are not thinking about you specifically.
> 3. Smile when interacting, so the other person feels more comfortable. People tend to mirror the other person. If you act withdrawn, they will withdraw from you. If you smile, they will smile.
> 4. It is a big deal. You are confronting your fears when you go out. That is something to be happy about.


Thank you. lol, I have sunglasses in every vehicle that I own. I never leave without them. I like your tips, I've never heard your 3rd tip, thanks! I will work on that one asap.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Four points to that.
> 
> 1. Wear sunglasses, so you don't draw attention to the fearful look in your eyes.
> 2. Nobody is going to notice you, unless you are dancing in the street. They may look at you, but that's because they themselves tend to notice others around them more than average. But they are not thinking about you specifically.
> 3. Smile when interacting, so the other person feels more comfortable. People tend to mirror the other person. If you act withdrawn, they will withdraw from you. If you smile, they will smile.
> 4. It is a big deal. You are confronting your fears when you go out. That is something to be happy about.


My wife is the exact opposite. She's very independent. I actually admire that about her. I'm scared as crap and I really wanted to leave this world with her by my side, I love her more than anything, but deep down I think this is best for us both. I should have dealt with this 30 years ago.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife is the exact opposite. She's very independent. I actually admire that about her. I'm scared as crap and I really wanted to leave this world with her by my side, I love her more than anything, but deep down I think this is best for us both. I should have dealt with this 30 years ago.


Maybe codependency. Read up.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Family/Friends/Forlorn*: 
If I could go back in time I would spend more time with my extended family. After marriage we moved away and just focused on or family(we have a son and a daughter). 10,20 ,30 years go by and you don't even know your extended family anymore. My social anxiety was there as a child growing up so I wasn't really close to my extended family. So I didn't see a lot of my extended family then.

My wife never really cared(as much as I did) about making couple friends through the years. Most of the time I personally felt adequate being out and talking to people alongside my wife. I felt(and feel) this way with my brother also. And I never accepted the invites from people(strangers that I met while out alone) that invited me to continue the business conversation that took place or the invites to play golf, etc. Obviously my anxiety played a role here too. 

So dealing with all of this is going to be the biggest challenge I've ever had to face. I often compare myself to a bird that is flying alone. It's dark and only the stars are seen above and below in the ocean. I'm tired. Too tired to think about food. All I want to do is find somewhere to sit and rest, to sleep. I don't even know how many days I've been flying. And why is it always night? But the further I fly just seems to make it worse. Nothing here. The quietness is spooky. And every few hours I hear a weird noise that I can't recognize that scares me even more. I timely try not to breath because I want to hear if something is near me. I can't see anything. It's just lonely, dark and it's getting cold.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just got the electric account switched over into my name($0 deposit). I plan to call the water company tomorrow. And I found a local church that holds group sessions for divorced or separated couples. I registered online yesterday I also found a church that holds sessions for drug treatment. My son agreed to start going tomorrow( every Friday night). I'm learning how to do the paperwork my wife was doing. I had someone come over to give me an estimate on house cleaning. I'm going to try to get help and just focus on me,...mentally, financially and spiritually.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm noticing that my wife is acting a little more crankier. I'm trying to accept this separation/divorce and it's hard, but I'm getting better. I don't know the exact date she's leaving just that it's at the end of this month. I try to think of the positive things that I will be doing. Sometimes when she talks about what she's taking with her from our home the reality hurts a little. But I'm working on it. I feel like she gets happier knowing that it hurts me, I don't know. But when I do feel better about it, ex. I took an old empty shoe rack that hangs on the bathroom door off for her to either trash it or keep she got pissed and told me to put it back! She argued about it for about 6 minutes, saying that it's been there for years and why would I take it down. She really wanted to know why. I just hung the thing back on the door. 

I'm getting ready to go to the church with my son tonight. The addiction group.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just got back from the church. A+. I joined with my son. I plan to go every Friday night. I think my son liked it also. Their approach to getting rid of any addiction or any grief is through being saved. If that works for my son that would be 2 birds with 1 stone. I'll probably keep going to this(Friday Night Addition) and the Wednesday Separation Group.


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> Just got back from the church. A+. I joined with my son. I plan to go every Friday night. I think my son liked it also. Their approach to getting rid of any addiction or any grief is through being saved. If that works for my son that would be 2 birds with 1 stone. I'll probably keep going to this(Friday Night Addition) and the Wednesday Separation Group.


Having a relationship with the Lord and following his path is helpful for working through strongholds, but it takes commitment and work. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## Beach123

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm noticing that my wife is acting a little more crankier. I'm trying to accept this separation/divorce and it's hard, but I'm getting better. I don't know the exact date she's leaving just that it's at the end of this month. I try to think of the positive things that I will be doing. Sometimes when she talks about what she's taking with her from our home the reality hurts a little. But I'm working on it. I feel like she gets happier knowing that it hurts me, I don't know. But when I do feel better about it, ex. I took an old empty shoe rack that hangs on the bathroom door off for her to either trash it or keep she got pissed and told me to put it back! She argued about it for about 6 minutes, saying that it's been there for years and why would I take it down. She really wanted to know why. I just hung the thing back on the door.
> 
> I'm getting ready to go to the church with my son tonight. The addiction group.


This is a good start.
Why don’t you start packing up all her stuff you want out of there? That ought to send a message to her that you are becoming independent.
Seriously, start helping her get her crap out of your way! Don’t put it back when she complains! She said she was leaving and you’re just helping her.

Why would you back down? Stop letting her be the boss of you and your space. Why is she still there? When is she going to actually move?

Do you have an addiction problem as well as your son?


----------



## Luckylucky

Beach123 said:


> This is a good start.
> Why don’t you start packing up all her stuff you want out of there? That ought to send a message to her that you are becoming independent.
> Seriously, start helping her get her crap out of your way! Don’t put it back when she complains! She said she was leaving and you’re just helping her.
> 
> Why would you back down? Stop letting her be the boss of you and your space. Why is she still there? When is she going to actually move?
> 
> Do you have an addiction problem as well as your son?


Great point! But I would take it a step further and pass that job onto her. ‘Take your stuff out by next week, new furniture is arriving’. Don’t ask, don’t discuss, don’t reply. Make it final.


----------



## Blondilocks

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm noticing that my wife is acting a little more crankier. I'm trying to accept this separation/divorce and it's hard, but I'm getting better. I don't know the exact date she's leaving just that it's at the end of this month. I try to think of the positive things that I will be doing. Sometimes when she talks about what she's taking with her from our home the reality hurts a little. But I'm working on it. I feel like she gets happier knowing that it hurts me, I don't know. But when I do feel better about it, ex. I took an old empty shoe rack that hangs on the bathroom door off for her to either trash it or keep she got pissed and told me to put it back! She argued about it for about 6 minutes, saying that it's been there for years and why would I take it down. She really wanted to know why. I just hung the thing back on the door.
> 
> I'm getting ready to go to the church with my son tonight. The addiction group.


She shouldn't be dictating what she will be taking. That is part of the divorce settlement. You have a say in what assets she gets and what assets you get. What does your attorney say about this?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Beach123 said:


> This is a good start.
> Why don’t you start packing up all her stuff you want out of there? That ought to send a message to her that you are becoming independent.
> Seriously, start helping her get her crap out of your way! Don’t put it back when she complains! She said she was leaving and you’re just helping her.
> 
> Why would you back down? Stop letting her be the boss of you and your space. Why is she still there? When is she going to actually move?
> 
> Do you have an addiction problem as well as your son?


The only addiction I have is loving my family. The addiction group also helps with anxiety, grief, etc.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Blondilocks said:


> She shouldn't be dictating what she will be taking. That is part of the divorce settlement. You have a say in what assets she gets and what assets you get. What does your attorney say about this?


We don't really have shared assets that I have to have. Anything in our home that we bought for us she can have it. I don't really have an attorney but I have talked with a neighbor a couple of times that is a retired attorney. He can send referrals, when I'm ready.


----------



## Blondilocks

MrBigBoy said:


> We don't really have shared assets that I have to have. Anything in our home that we bought for us she can have it. I don't really have an attorney but I have talked with a neighbor a couple of times that is a retired attorney. He can send referrals, when I'm ready.


Just remember that if she takes something that you use then that will need to be replaced. Division of assets takes that into consideration.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> The only addiction I have is loving my family. The addiction group also helps with anxiety, grief, etc.


Quite often, if you're not an addict, you're a co-dependent. You get a charge out of rescuing people.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Quite often, if you're not an addict, you're a co-dependent. You get a charge out of rescuing people.


My wife is not an addict, my son is.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife is not an addict, my son is.


Yes.

I wasn't meaning to accuse you of being co-dependent to your wife. Just meant to mention the dynamic. 
I hope your son gets the help he needs.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Yes.
> 
> I wasn't meaning to accuse you of being co-dependent to your wife. Just meant to mention the dynamic.
> I hope your son gets the help he needs.


Oh, okay. And thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I've been running to the grocery store every chance that I get. I've never done that. I really like the short friendly conversations that I get when I'm there.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I was on the phone with a longtime friend this morning. He's not aware of my wife leaving, only my kids and my brother is aware of this. We talked for a little over an hour. He's a little depressed from losing(death) his wife about 3 years ago. I just don't have the heart to talk about this openly yet. But I think he's figuring it out. After the phone call my wife argued with me about our chickens(I bought her a coop a few years back). She bought 5 and someone gave me 5 a little later on. I've always had a problem finding the special breed that I wanted. She said she has a buyer for her 10 chickens so we argued like kids, but she ended up taking her 5 and meeting the buyer. She said a few demeaning things, but I insisted that I wasn't going to argued and she was not selling my hens and that was that. But she kept saying a few things, so I walked away. I went to the bathroom and coming out I decided to make a call, but the phone was still on from the friend I was talking to earlier. I was pissed and panicked and just hung up. I told this to my wife and she just said, "So." She said she was glad, didn't care and everyone should hear. I feel like she wants to embarrass me and just doesn't care. She called me a ***** once while I was talking to another person on the phone. It's like she wants me to hit her so she can laugh while calling the police. I called the friend back but he said it wasn't on on his end, but he could be lying. I'm going to ask him again later. Just feels uneasy and sloppy.


----------



## Marc878

Sorry man but she doesn’t care. You’d better protect yourself. Don’t be sorry you didn’t later on.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Sorry man but she doesn’t care. You’d better protect yourself. Don’t be sorry you didn’t later on.


Yeah


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I was on the phone with a longtime friend this morning. He's not aware of my wife leaving, only my kids and my brother is aware of this. We talked for a little over an hour. He's a little depressed from losing(death) his wife about 3 years ago. I just don't have the heart to talk about this openly yet. But I think he's figuring it out. After the phone call my wife argued with me about our chickens(I bought her a coop a few years back). She bought 5 and someone gave me 5 a little later on. I've always had a problem finding the special breed that I wanted. She said she has a buyer for her 10 chickens so we argued like kids, but she ended up taking her 5 and meeting the buyer. She said a few demeaning things, but I insisted that I wasn't going to argued and she was not selling my hens and that was that. But she kept saying a few things, so I walked away. I went to the bathroom and coming out I decided to make a call, but the phone was still on from the friend I was talking to earlier. I was pissed and panicked and just hung up. I told this to my wife and she just said, "So." She said she was glad, didn't care and everyone should hear. I feel like she wants to embarrass me and just doesn't care. She called me a *** once while I was talking to another person on the phone. It's like she wants me to hit her so she can laugh while calling the police. I called the friend back but he said it wasn't on on his end, but he could be lying. I'm going to ask him again later. Just feels uneasy and sloppy.


PLEASE do yourself a favor and GET A LAWYER ASAP. Keep a voice activated recorder on you and running for ALL interactions with your wife (to protect yourself against false DV charges!).
Don't worry -- if anything, now your friend knows you are getting a divorce.

Start working on the 180 with your STBXW -- to help YOU detach from her. Also avoids all unnecessary conversations with her.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> PLEASE do yourself a favor and GET A LAWYER ASAP. Keep a voice activated recorder on you and running for ALL interactions with your wife (to protect yourself against false DV charges!).
> Don't worry -- if anything, now your friend knows you are getting a divorce.
> 
> Start working on the 180 with your STBXW -- to help YOU detach from her. Also avoids all unnecessary conversations with her.


180 with my STBXW?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Oh, soon to be ex wife, whats the 180?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> 180 with my STBXW?


180 means to not care about your mate and only take of yourself.
It basically means doing a 180 degree turn and moving in a direction away from your STBX


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Oh, soon to be ex wife, whats the 180?


Read here for the 180. 








The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> 180 means to not care about your mate and only take of yourself.
> It basically means doing a 180 degree turn and moving in a direction away from your STBX


Oh, kinda like my "wife" has been doing?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Oh, kinda like my "wife" has been doing?


Yes.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Yes.


I will try.


----------



## MrBigBoy

She's packing her things and taking them to her storage unit. I'm wondering if she's actually taking them to our daughter's house. I don't know, but she's saying storage unit. 

My son doesn't show any concerns about any of it. He's mostly on his video game or in his room. He talks and laughs with us both. 

I'm feeling a little better about this. I told my "wife" that I was going to cook during the holiday breaks. I think she may try to cook something too, I don't know. I told her that I needed to practice and I like the smell of home cooking during the holidays. My siblings are good cooks and are always ready to help me when I call for cooking lessons on something. 

She thought it would be a good idea to keep the joint checking account because of shared bills, health insurance, irs payments, car insurance(all vehicles on one monthly plan), and Netflix.

I'm looking at dating sites, but I'm really thinking about staying single for awhile to work on myself.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> She's packing her things and taking them to her storage unit. I'm wondering if she's actually taking them to our daughter's house. I don't know, but she's saying storage unit.
> 
> My son doesn't show any concerns about any of it. He's mostly on his video game or in his room. He talks and laughs with us both.
> 
> I'm feeling a little better about this. I told my "wife" that I was going to cook during the holiday breaks. I think she may try to cook something too, I don't know. I told her that I needed to practice and I like the smell of home cooking during the holidays. My siblings are good cooks and are always ready to help me when I call for cooking lessons on something.
> 
> She thought it would be a good idea to keep the joint checking account because of shared bills, health insurance, irs payments, car insurance(all vehicles on one monthly plan), and Netflix.
> 
> I'm looking at dating sites, but I'm really thinking about staying single for awhile to work on myself.


Cooking is a great hobby. Especially if you specialize in a single cuisine.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Yesterday morning my son didn't want to wake up and get ready for work, coincidently was the morning the cop and therapist wanted to pay us a visit. They came in and my son eventually got up to talk with them. After talking and trying to work things out my son agrees to their terms of them picking him up once a week to take him to a mental health facility(he was diagnosed with Coping Skill issues about 2 years ago). My son thinks he's suffering with adhd. And I plan(for us) to keep the Friday night addiction group sessions at the church.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

When women say they are done, they are done. Don't bother trying to woo her back, she doesn't care.

And why would you keep a joint account if you are separating? The only reason this could benefit you is if she is the breadwinner. I'm guessing she is not since she thinks its a good idea to keep it. Cut the cord dude.

Stay away from LTRs right now. You want to date which is understandable but don't do it trying to look for the "one". Its typical when you are hurt to want to find some one to nurse you back like a fairy tale. **** like that only happens in movies. No commitments, keep it casual and focus on happiness. Before you do any dating though, get a gym membership and read Rational Male, so you don't find yourself back here in a year or two.


----------



## MrBigBoy

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> When women say they are done, they are done. Don't bother trying to woo her back, she doesn't care.
> 
> And why would you keep a joint account if you are separating? The only reason this could benefit you is if she is the breadwinner. I'm guessing she is not since she thinks its a good idea to keep it. Cut the cord dude.
> 
> Stay away from LTRs right now. You want to date which is understandable but don't do it trying to look for the "one". Its typical when you are hurt to want to find some one to nurse you back like a fairy tale. **** like that only happens in movies. No commitments, keep it casual and focus on happiness. Before you do any dating though, get a gym membership and read Rational Male, so you don't find yourself back here in a year or two.


Thank you. I'm thinking of martial arts.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Thank you. I'm thinking of martial arts.


Unless you're a striker, try judo.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Unless you're a striker, try judo.


"Unless you're a striker,"...what exactly do you mean?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> "Unless you're a striker,"...what exactly do you mean?


A striker is a person who can deliver a punch that can win a fight. Strikers are born and not trained.
You can train somebody to strike, but if they aren't gifted at throwing a punch their punches will have no effect.
Training brings out a striking talent, if somebody has that talent. 
For non-strikers, a defensive martial is probably more appropriate.
That is not to say that you can't learn something from boxing or MMA.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Not sure I agree with what you're saying. But thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

She just told me she's leaving on Tuesday(in 4 days).


----------



## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> "Unless you're a striker,"...what exactly do you mean?


It means you should stick to defense, not offense.

Go mixed martial arts, good programs touch on all of them, offensive/defense.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SunCMars said:


> It means you should stick to defense, not offense.
> 
> Go mixed martial arts, good programs touch on all of them, offensive/defense.


So you're assuming I'm not a "striker?"


----------



## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> So you're assuming I'm not a "striker?"


I am not assuming squat, others are!


----------



## jonty30

SunCMars said:


> It means you should stick to defense, not offense.
> 
> Go mixed martial arts, good programs touch on all of them, offensive/defense.


Specificially, I mean that if you're not a striker, you are better learning how to protect yourself from strikers. Boxing still has value for learning timing and all that, but non-strikers don't get much better with training if they don't have the talent for it.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> So you're assuming I'm not a "striker?"


Have you been known to deliver punches that can stagger people?
I'm not intending to be offensive, I mean that specifically. I've talk to nationally recognized boxing coaches and that's what every one of them tells me. 
You can't train to be a knockout puncher, if you were not born to be one. 
I just want you to use your time effectively, that's all.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SunCMars said:


> I am not assuming squat, others are!


So I should strike my wife and son?


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Have you been known to deliver punches that can stagger people?
> I'm not intending to be offensive, I mean that specifically. I've talk to nationally recognized boxing coaches and that's what every one of them tells me.
> You can't train to be a knockout puncher, if you were not born to be one.
> I just want you to use your time effectively, that's all.


I don't need to learn how to defend myself. I just like the art of it.


----------



## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> So I should strike my wife and son?


Strike yourself for merely thinking, and stating this.

Who art Thou, that Ye can ask such a question?
Are you fully with us and up to snuff, cognizant?



_King Brian-_


----------



## MrBigBoy

SunCMars said:


> Strike yourself for merely thinking, and stating this.
> 
> Who art Thou, that Ye can ask such a question?
> Are you fully with us and up to snuff, cognizant?
> 
> 
> 
> _King Brian-_


Sorry, I didn't understand what you were saying.


----------



## MrBigBoy

My son left out kind of pissed. He tries to do little as possible right before he wants something, but displays attitude when asked to do anything. He wanted to play his video game in the home office, where he usually plays. I told him that wasn't going to happen tonight. He got dressed, threw on his coat and left with his game. He told his mother he wouldn't be out too late. 

I never charged him before but just started charging him $60 a week.


----------



## MrBigBoy

"Wife," and son just went out to eat. If he's really staying with me I guess it's her last supper thing. If he's staying I really think she's telling to help me out a little. Lighten up with the disrespect, etc. I hope.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce) around the end of November of this year 2021. A few days ago she bought a storage unit and she's there now putting a few things into it. Even with the warning I feel like a deer in headlights. I know I know. I took her out to eat 1-2 days a week for the last few months hoping it would help make things better for us. I had hope. I mean things are bad sometimes but what marriage is 100% flawless? My son is out living with his friends, he just couldn't respect my rules(no marijuana, help around the house, etc.). I have no family or friends in this state. My closest relative over powers me with constant preaching(phone). My closest friend drinks daily and is always medicated with Vino(wine), this is how he deals with his passing wife(phone). I really don't know what's going to happen to me. My job(I'm the owner) is strenuous. And my wife used to relief some of that pressure with the paperwork. No son, no, with, no friends or family. I've never been alone. I have a slight cast of social anxiety.


I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you. I totally understand your pain. My husband of almost 26 years told me on Friday that he had a physical affair then an emotional one with a colleague and friend from 2019-May 2021. He ended it with her thinking he could save his family and forget the entire thing and i’d never find out. however the guilt was so bad it sent him into a deep depression and divided us even further. Im lost. Im hurt. And i feel so alone. We have 2 beautiful frown girls…both in college . he is currently in a hotel ‘deciding’ on if he wants to remain married.

I have been doing research on divorce all day. I feel physically ill. He travels for work which is how this whole thing started. This past year has been hell for me because he has been gone five days a week. I have been depressed, alone, I’m very very isolated. I work from home. So I rarely ever leave anymore. He watched my depression decline. I had He travels for work which is how this whole thing started. This past year has been hell for me because he has been gone five days a week. I have been depressed, alone, I’m very very isolated. I work from home. So I rarely ever leave anymore. He watched my depression decline. I had begged him to work less and come off the road but instead of comforting me and taking care of his wife he turned to another woman emotionally and gave her what I should have had. I understand the feelings you’re having. Feeling blindsided. Feeling secure with someone for so long I just expecting them to be there only to find out that it’s so easy for them to walk out on you. I’m so sorry.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Thank you. How do you comfort yourself?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you. I totally understand your pain. My husband of almost 26 years told me on Friday that he had a physical affair then an emotional one with a colleague and friend from 2019-May 2021. He ended it with her thinking he could save his family and forget the entire thing and i’d never find out. however the guilt was so bad it sent him into a deep depression and divided us even further. Im lost. Im hurt. And i feel so alone. We have 2 beautiful frown girls…both in college . he is currently in a hotel ‘deciding’ on if he wants to remain married.
> 
> I have been doing research on divorce all day. I feel physically ill. He travels for work which is how this whole thing started. This past year has been hell for me because he has been gone five days a week. I have been depressed, alone, I’m very very isolated. I work from home. So I rarely ever leave anymore. He watched my depression decline. I had He travels for work which is how this whole thing started. This past year has been hell for me because he has been gone five days a week. I have been depressed, alone, I’m very very isolated. I work from home. So I rarely ever leave anymore. He watched my depression decline. I had begged him to work less and come off the road but instead of comforting me and taking care of his wife he turned to another woman emotionally and gave her what I should have had. I understand the feelings you’re having. Feeling blindsided. Feeling secure with someone for so long I just expecting them to be there only to find out that it’s so easy for them to walk out on you. I’m so sorry.


Thank you. How do you comfort yourself?


----------



## MrBigBoy

She used a U-Haul van to take a few things. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and like a failure. My neighbors will soon see me coming home alone. I think she wanted me to feel this way by using that big van.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> Thank you. How do you comfort yourself?


i have some people close to me that knows the full truth. my aunt and my best friend. talking about it with them and hearing their thoughts questions and comments actually helps alot. I am also currently in therapy working on myself so I will be speaking to my therapist about this, this week.

but honestly, nothing truly comforts me at this point. Right now I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate on anything & my heart feels like it’s pounding out of my chest. It’s been doing that for the past two days. I’m just… dealing.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> Thank you. How do you comfort yourself?


i have some people close to me that knows the full truth. my aunt and my best friend. talking about it with them and hearing their thoughts questions and comments actually helps alot. I am also currently in therapy working on myself so I will be speaking to my therapist about this, this week.

but honestly, nothing truly comforts me at this point. Right now I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate on anything & my heart feels like it’s pounding out of my chest. It’s been doing that for the past two days. I’m just… dealing.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> i have some people close to me that knows the full truth. my aunt and my best friend. talking about it with them and hearing their thoughts questions and comments actually helps alot. I am also currently in therapy working on myself so I will be speaking to my therapist about this, this week.
> 
> but honestly, nothing truly comforts me at this point. Right now I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate on anything & my heart feels like it’s pounding out of my chest. It’s been doing that for the past two days. I’m just… dealing.


I tried therapy. The counselors are having a field day with all the clients coming in since Covid. I've had to switch counselors at least 5 times. One was illegally charging for sessions that I didn't have, one was always going on vacation, one texted me a few times to cancel. It's really hard dealing with this, especially with me having no one(my brother calls and hits me with scriptures, no talking, just verses). I'm really not built for this. But I have to find a way. 

Be thankful for your aunt and best friend, it could be worse. Only my brother and kids knows about our separating. I can't bring it to myself to call and tell anyone. 

How long has your husband been away?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> i have some people close to me that knows the full truth. my aunt and my best friend. talking about it with them and hearing their thoughts questions and comments actually helps alot. I am also currently in therapy working on myself so I will be speaking to my therapist about this, this week.
> 
> but honestly, nothing truly comforts me at this point. Right now I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate on anything & my heart feels like it’s pounding out of my chest. It’s been doing that for the past two days. I’m just… dealing.


Since the other day, this Friday past?


----------



## MrBigBoy

My brother called me wicked and hung up. He texted me to go away. I kept reminding him what I was dealing with but he ignored me and kept at it, preaching. I love the scriptures, sometimes I just really need someone to talk to.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Now I don't even have him.


----------



## MrBigBoy

But I have to get up before the sun rises and sip on my coffee, then off to work, like nothing happened. Wow, how can I be 50 and not have 1 friend?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> But I have to get up before the sun rises and sip on my coffee, then off to work, like nothing happened. Wow, how can I be 50 and not have 1 friend?


Most men are like that. Between work and family, where do you have time to make friends?
It is the women that typically organize the social life for the family.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Most men are like that. Between work and family, where do you have time to make friends?
> It is the women that typically organize the social life for the family.


Oh


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> Since the other day, this Friday past?


I suspected for a while. And there of been issues apparently for the last year building between us. I honestly didn’t think the issues were that big. he started seeing a therapist about three months ago because his drinking got out of control and he fell into a depression and was going through midlife. At least that is what he told me. So to get through all of that I started seeing a counselor and confiding in my aunt and my friend. Come to find out he started seeing a therapist because of the guilt he had over the affair. so I have been talking to them for a while regarding issues between us, however as a Friday all of the pieces of the puzzle changed to a whole new picture with three words. You. suspected. Right.

up until it was verbally confirmed on Friday I have been asking him since the beginning of the summer if he had made an emotional connection on the road. I did not expect it to have been a physical one. But I had a really strong feeling something on the road went on. It was just confirmed Friday. But I knew in my gut.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> I tried therapy. The counselors are having a field day with all the clients coming in since Covid. I've had to switch counselors at least 5 times. One was illegally charging for sessions that I didn't have, one was always going on vacation, one texted me a few times to cancel. It's really hard dealing with this, especially with me having no one(my brother calls and hits me with scriptures, no talking, just verses). I'm really not built for this. But I have to find a way.
> 
> Be thankful for your aunt and best friend, it could be worse. Only my brother and kids knows about our separating. I can't bring it to myself to call and tell anyone.
> 
> How long has your husband been away?


he left the house yesterday morning to go process. He’s in Overland Park Kansas right now. His business was taking him to Kansas City this week. He supposed to be back on Wednesday. I said all I needed to say to him in a long text at 1:30 in the morning, and gave them an ultimatum. And now I’m leaving them alone. I am not gonna text or call him or anything. He needs to be a man and decide what he wants. As much as this hurts and as much as I would like to reconcile I emotionally am drained and physically cannot do this anymore.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> My brother called me wicked and hung up. He texted me to go away. I kept reminding him what I was dealing with but he ignored me and kept at it, preaching. I love the scriptures, sometimes I just really need someone to talk to.


I am so sorry about your brother. That is a really crappy thing for him to do especially since she is the one who’s walking out on you. Family is supposed to be supportive. There are some very good counselors out there. It just sounds like you’ve gotten a lot of crappy ones. Which I’m sorry for two. Mine is awesome and he has helped me work on myself before I knew any of this was really going to happen. Which kind of helped me prepare a little bit because it helps strengthen me a little. I am not far into my counseling but I am making progress. I’m anxious to speak with him this week to get this off my chest. Perhaps you should keep trying counselors. I went online and I always read reviews. I googled counselors for specific reasons, the narrowed it down to locations the narrowed it down to reviews. Then I would pick two or three that I felt had good strong reviews and seeing who I could get an appointment with first. Perhaps if you try it that way you might find a good one. Because you need to talk to somebody. Somebody that can help you through this in a professional way. Or else you’re going to go crazy. I know I’m going crazy and I’m talking to someone that is a professional so I can’t imagine going it alone.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> I am so sorry about your brother. That is a really crappy thing for him to do especially since she is the one who’s walking out on you. Family is supposed to be supportive. There are some very good counselors out there. It just sounds like you’ve gotten a lot of crappy ones. Which I’m sorry for two. Mine is awesome and he has helped me work on myself before I knew any of this was really going to happen. Which kind of helped me prepare a little bit because it helps strengthen me a little. I am not far into my counseling but I am making progress. I’m anxious to speak with him this week to get this off my chest. Perhaps you should keep trying counselors. I went online and I always read reviews. I googled counselors for specific reasons, the narrowed it down to locations the narrowed it down to reviews. Then I would pick two or three that I felt had good strong reviews and seeing who I could get an appointment with first. Perhaps if you try it that way you might find a good one. Because you need to talk to somebody. Somebody that can help you through this in a professional way. Or else you’re going to go crazy. I know I’m going crazy and I’m talking to someone that is a professional so I can’t imagine going it alone.


Thank you. And I will continue looking, thanks. I registered with a church(divorce group), but have not heard from them. 

My "wife" is still here until Tuesday. She's either weirdly happy or snappy and pissed. To keep her from acting mean and snappy I asked her to at least leave in peace, in case she decides she wants to come back.

Are you okay financially without your husband?


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> She used a U-Haul van to take a few things. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and like a failure. My neighbors will soon see me coming home alone. I think she wanted me to feel this way by using that big van.


Just remember SHE is the one at fault -- SHE is the one who should be ashamed of herself. All you did was to be a supportive husband that SHE took advantage of. DO NOT help her hide what she did.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> Thank you. And I will continue looking, thanks. I registered with a church(divorce group), but have not heard from them.
> 
> My "wife" is still here until Tuesday. She's either weirdly happy or snappy and pissed. To keep her from acting mean and snappy I asked her to at least leave in peace, in case she decides she wants to come back.
> 
> Are you okay financially without your husband?


she is probably feeling guilt honestly because my husband is acting the same way … . Sort of. He is either acting very depressed and monotone and withdrawn or he acts like nothing is wrong. He doesn’t act weirdly happy or anything tho.

my husband makes most of the money in the marriage. I work independently but make very little. I live in the state of Missouri however which is an alimony state. And we have been married almost 26 years so therefore according to our state, if we get a divorce I am entitled to alimony for life or until I remarry. He makes enough money, where I believe I will be OK with alimony and what I bring in. Of course it will still be an adjustment, but I believe I could live decently on those two things. 

But my problem is that I rely on him for my health insurance and I have no retirement built up. Since I am independent I do not have a 401(k) or insurance. Everything like that is through him because quite frankly, I never expected anything like this to happen and he was always supposed to be there. So the scary part for me is retirement/insurance. So I’ve been looking for jobs that offer that. Which means I’m gonna have to go outside the home which I’m not happy about considering I worked from home since 2006.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> she is probably feeling guilt honestly because my husband is acting the same way … . Sort of. He is either acting very depressed and monotone and withdrawn or he acts like nothing is wrong. He doesn’t act weirdly happy or anything tho.
> 
> my husband makes most of the money in the marriage. I work independently but make very little. I live in the state of Missouri however which is an alimony state. And we have been married almost 26 years so therefore according to our state, if we get a divorce I am entitled to alimony for life or until I remarry. He makes enough money, where I believe I will be OK with alimony and what I bring in. Of course it will still be an adjustment, but I believe I could live decently on those two things.
> 
> But my problem is that I rely on him for my health insurance and I have no retirement built up. Since I am independent I do not have a 401(k) or insurance. Everything like that is through him because quite frankly, I never expected anything like this to happen and he was always supposed to be there. So the scary part for me is retirement/insurance. So I’ve been looking for jobs that offer that. Which means I’m gonna have to go outside the home which I’m not happy about considering I worked from home since 2006.


I'm wondering if the thought of leaving was always in the back of their minds, the ones that leave like our spouses did. Did they accept us with the intentions of changing us? 

I am self employed and a W2 employee in my company, I started investing in stocks(long term for retirement), and I'm on the end of setting up a Simple IRA.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm wondering if the thought of leaving was always in the back of their minds, the ones that leave like our spouses did. Did they accept us with the intentions of changing us?
> 
> I am self employed and a W2 employee in my company, I started investing in stocks(long term for retirement), and I'm on the end of setting up a Simple IRA.


I don’t think my husband intended to leave The marriage when he started this and even while it contuned. Honestly. In fact he is of deciding if he wants to stay. evey time I bring up filing however, going back to the beginning of the summer…he has always been adamant that he did not want a divorce. But here he is … away thinking about if he wants to stay married. So who knows?

I am not sure about your wife/circumstances, though. All I can go by is my marriage and what I BELIEVE of my husband. I mean, I never thought he’d cheat, either. 

as far as changing me I really don’t think so. I’ve been with him for 26 years and married for almost 26 years … he never tried to change who I was. We had a great marriage for about 22 years then started having issues. And it all was due to his travel for work. So again, in my case? I don’t think Change was expected.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> I don’t think my husband intended to leave The marriage when he started this and even while it contuned. Honestly. In fact he is of deciding if he wants to stay. evey time I bring up filing however, going back to the beginning of the summer…he has always been adamant that he did not want a divorce. But here he is … away thinking about if he wants to stay married. So who knows?
> 
> I am not sure about your wife/circumstances, though. All I can go by is my marriage and what I BELIEVE of my husband. I mean, I never thought he’d cheat, either.
> 
> as far as changing me I really don’t think so. I’ve been with him for 26 years and married for almost 26 years … he never tried to change who I was. We had a great marriage for about 22 years then started having issues. And it all was due to his travel for work. So again, in my case? I don’t think Change was expected.


I thought things were great, too. But I think my "wife" would say otherwise. 
My "wife" pursued me for about 2-3 years. I was slow to trust anyone. We had a child and married, all within 4 years. She pursued so hard that I never thought she'd leave. 
When we are married we focus on our spouses, and it's hard sometimes trying to please them and us. But we are thankful that we have someone. So we sometimes forget what the single people are going through. It's not that we don't care about them, we're just busy with our marriages. I now see how they feel. And I understand that most people will want to retract from me, rather than help me through this. I'm on the other side now and I'm going to try not to complain about the backstabbing married coup... lol just kidding. But I get it. So I figure that I have to figure out how to find happiness within myself and that is what people will attract to.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> I thought things were great, too. But I think my "wife" would say otherwise.
> My "wife" pursued me for about 2-3 years. I was slow to trust anyone. We had a child and married, all within 4 years. She pursued so hard that I never thought she'd leave.
> When we are married we focus on our spouses, and it's hard sometimes trying to please them and us. But we are thankful that we have someone. So we sometimes forget what the single people are going through. It's not that we don't care about them, we're just busy with our marriages. I now see how they feel. And I understand that most people will want to retract from me, rather than help me through this. I'm on the other side now and I'm going to try not to complain about the backstabbing married coup... lol just kidding. But I get it. So I figure that I have to figure out how to find happiness within myself and that is what people will attract to.


Well I think its crappy that people would pull away from you in your time of need. It is not YOUR fault she is leaving. Of course when something like this happens, I understand that both parties are at fault, one side more than the other, and I own up to my part in what is going on. Obviously I was not giving him something that he needed and something was lacking in the marriage. That is on me too, becuase there are 2 people in a marriage not one. But. He SHOULD have turned to me and told ME about it instead of another woman, and therefore, she got the best parts of him and I got the the hard work, the bills, the taking care of the kids, and the house and budget - where he was on the road 'working' and living a fantasy life. This man, my husband is in love with a fantasy. Because they didn't have to deal with what I dealt with on a daily basis. So when he came home that is what he dealt with. I was reality. She is fantasy. 

We met the Saturday before thanksgiving in 1995. We got engaged 2 weeks later and married 2 months later. February would be our 26th Anniversary. I just don't understand how he can just cast aside 26 years of everything we had without even TRYING! We were partners in everything. Equals. We made every decision together. Whether it was a job change or buying a new picture for the wall. Everyone has always said, M loves you so, so so much, I'm so jealous. And now as I tell people they are all so confused. They all say the same thing. But M loves you so, so SO much. I can see it on his face! Well, apparently he is a good liar and a good bluffer. I donno what to say? 

He seems to have an issue with the fact that he cheated. (or so he says) I kept pushing counseling and he kept pushing back. He said that 51 year old M is not the same as 25 year old M and his wants and desires and dreams have since changed. I just told him well, 22 year old Annie is not the same as 47 year old Annie either. But if he would have channeled all of those 'New M' things toward me and given *me* the opportunity to do the same for him, instead of a) turning to someone else in 2019 and b) therefore US growing farther and farther apart from me and me not UNDERSTANDING why then perhaps we could have grown and changed *TOGETHER* and things now could have been stronger than ever.

A big issue is the travel. I got the old line* 'I love you but not in love with you anymore'. * Well duh. To be IN LOVE you have to PHYSICALLY present and for the last year and a half he was on the road *5 day a week*. Mostly texting good morning and good night. No real conversations. No real quality time spent on weekends. But with HER he would tell her all about things - and* OUR LIFE!! *I feel *so *betrayed. I'm so angry. Upset. Sad. Devastated. Confused. I feel old, ugly, rejected, unlovable, undesirable. But he got what _he_ needed from HER. And I told him, to be clear, all that time _HE_ was unhappy _I_ was unhappy as well. I was lonely. Sad. I missed my husband dreadfully. I BEGGED him to cut back on his travel. He watched me spiral into depression. But yet. He slapped my hand away and turned toward another woman for 'emotional' support. And an emotional affair is so much worse than a physical, I feel. And that is what I am dealing with.

I called and left a message for the divorce lawyer. They have on their site that they _strongly recommend marriage counseling to anyone calling for a divorce. _ Which I thought was cool coming from a divorce attorney. They said many, many times people will reconcile during the process or even after it is finalized and it would save a lot of time and money if you try counseling first to make sure that there are no feelings left for the marriage to be dissolved. So I texted him. And said,_ I want to try marriage counseling first. If it doesn't work I will grant you your divorce. _ Ironically he texted back saying he was in the middle of therapy. *LOL*! (to be a fly on THAT wall). Haven't heard back yet. If he wants it over, its over. I won't beg. If he wants to try I will try. I just need this one chance at ... closure. So I know I did everything I could possibly do.

I told my kids today. They are grown (21 & 24) and both are so, so angry at their dad. Of course. Because during these past months, he has been pulling away from them as well. And the fact that he looked my 21 year old daughter in the eye, as recently as October when they were at lunch and said '_I would NEVER cheat on your mom_' - really upset her. Both of my girls have VERY strong opinions on adulatory. *VERY* strong. So they are taking this VERY hard. They are both so, so, SO angry. I told them that now they know the why of it. It is up to them on how they want to react (I.e. work on forgiving him, not forgiving him, cutting him out of their lives, keeping him in their lives). All I know is this. And I told him and my kids as much. As soon as this thing is finalized, I will disappear from his life. NO contact. No visual contact. No phone contact. No Text contact. I will literally be nothing but a memory. I can't move forward with the rest of my life, with him still in it. Nope. Not going to happen I will disappear. To the point where I have already decided (and had been contemplating this for several months now) to move out of state when it is all said and done. To make a fresh start I need a fresh outlook and a change of scenery. May eldest daughter said she will move with me wherever I go. So that is a comfort, at least.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> Well I think its crappy that people would pull away from you in your time of need. It is not YOUR fault she is leaving. Of course when something like this happens, I understand that both parties are at fault, one side more than the other, and I own up to my part in what is going on. Obviously I was not giving him something that he needed and something was lacking in the marriage. That is on me too, becuase there are 2 people in a marriage not one. But. He SHOULD have turned to me and told ME about it instead of another woman, and therefore, she got the best parts of him and I got the the hard work, the bills, the taking care of the kids, and the house and budget - where he was on the road 'working' and living a fantasy life. This man, my husband is in love with a fantasy. Because they didn't have to deal with what I dealt with on a daily basis. So when he came home that is what he dealt with. I was reality. She is fantasy.
> 
> We met the Saturday before thanksgiving in 1995. We got engaged 2 weeks later and married 2 months later. February would be our 26th Anniversary. I just don't understand how he can just cast aside 26 years of everything we had without even TRYING! We were partners in everything. Equals. We made every decision together. Whether it was a job change or buying a new picture for the wall. Everyone has always said, M loves you so, so so much, I'm so jealous. And now as I tell people they are all so confused. They all say the same thing. But M loves you so, so SO much. I can see it on his face! Well, apparently he is a good liar and a good bluffer. I donno what to say?
> 
> He seems to have an issue with the fact that he cheated. (or so he says) I kept pushing counseling and he kept pushing back. He said that 51 year old M is not the same as 25 year old M and his wants and desires and dreams have since changed. I just told him well, 22 year old Annie is not the same as 47 year old Annie either. But if he would have channeled all of those 'New M' things toward me and given *me* the opportunity to do the same for him, instead of a) turning to someone else in 2019 and b) therefore US growing farther and farther apart from me and me not UNDERSTANDING why then perhaps we could have grown and changed *TOGETHER* and things now could have been stronger than ever.
> 
> A big issue is the travel. I got the old line* 'I love you but not in love with you anymore'. * Well duh. To be IN LOVE you have to PHYSICALLY present and for the last year and a half he was on the road *5 day a week*. Mostly texting good morning and good night. No real conversations. No real quality time spent on weekends. But with HER he would tell her all about things - and* OUR LIFE!! *I feel *so *betrayed. I'm so angry. Upset. Sad. Devastated. Confused. I feel old, ugly, rejected, unlovable, undesirable. But he got what _he_ needed from HER. And I told him, to be clear, all that time _HE_ was unhappy _I_ was unhappy as well. I was lonely. Sad. I missed my husband dreadfully. I BEGGED him to cut back on his travel. He watched me spiral into depression. But yet. He slapped my hand away and turned toward another woman for 'emotional' support. And an emotional affair is so much worse than a physical, I feel. And that is what I am dealing with.
> 
> I called and left a message for the divorce lawyer. They have on their site that they _strongly recommend marriage counseling to anyone calling for a divorce. _ Which I thought was cool coming from a divorce attorney. They said many, many times people will reconcile during the process or even after it is finalized and it would save a lot of time and money if you try counseling first to make sure that there are no feelings left for the marriage to be dissolved. So I texted him. And said,_ I want to try marriage counseling first. If it doesn't work I will grant you your divorce. _ Ironically he texted back saying he was in the middle of therapy. *LOL*! (to be a fly on THAT wall). Haven't heard back yet. If he wants it over, its over. I won't beg. If he wants to try I will try. I just need this one chance at ... closure. So I know I did everything I could possibly do.
> 
> I told my kids today. They are grown (21 & 24) and both are so, so angry at their dad. Of course. Because during these past months, he has been pulling away from them as well. And the fact that he looked my 21 year old daughter in the eye, as recently as October when they were at lunch and said '_I would NEVER cheat on your mom_' - really upset her. Both of my girls have VERY strong opinions on adulatory. *VERY* strong. So they are taking this VERY hard. They are both so, so, SO angry. I told them that now they know the why of it. It is up to them on how they want to react (I.e. work on forgiving him, not forgiving him, cutting him out of their lives, keeping him in their lives). All I know is this. And I told him and my kids as much. As soon as this thing is finalized, I will disappear from his life. NO contact. No visual contact. No phone contact. No Text contact. I will literally be nothing but a memory. I can't move forward with the rest of my life, with him still in it. Nope. Not going to happen I will disappear. To the point where I have already decided (and had been contemplating this for several months now) to move out of state when it is all said and done. To make a fresh start I need a fresh outlook and a change of scenery. May eldest daughter said she will move with me wherever I go. So that is a comfort, at least.


Did you ever reject any of his new desires or dreams? Is it possible that you could have rejected him inadvertently or made him feel inadequate about them? I suppressed a few of my desires years back after getting that look from my wife. 
I never cheated, but thought about it. I was approached a few times but rejected it. To marry me and limit me on what "you" think a marriage should be, I don't think that's right. A few years after marrying my "wife," she was a decent mother, a good partner. Before it was about us and what we wanted. She was a good wife, but that slowly dwindled.


----------



## Annemarie W

No I did not because he never TOLD me what his ‘new’ hopes and dreams were! And he never asked me mine.

We spoke on the phone last for 3 hours and I got him to admit that even HE doesn’t know. Honestly he is lost and going through a major mid life crisis. Not excusing anything but he honestly doesn’t know who he is and what he wants. But here is the kicker … so am I.

which is why I feel we should just let it … be. And try marriage counseling. I donno. As of now I don’t know where things stand. I’m prepared to file today. Good thing I see my therapist today! Lol.

So last night I got him to admit that the affair was a fantasy. That from the beginning he never, ever intended to make it permanent or leave his family. He knew it was a fantasy, and it was an escape from the reality of real life (ie: me, bills, house issues, family issues, job issues). But he just can’t come to terms with the fact that he has feelings for 2 women that he should have for ONLY his wife (even though it ended in May). And that is why he wants a divorce. I told him … SHE is a fantasy. You just said it. Yes she is a flesh and blood woman but she played a part in something that really doesn’t exist. So therefore I don’t think you have feelings for HER per se but for the illusion of perfection in a fantasy world. 

he thinks he doesn’t deserve my love. Or my devotion. Or a 2nd chance. So I explained to him that I have to take my part of the responsibility in this situation. Looking back at the timeline of events … when this started, and continuing after, I withdrew from him. So when he was home, in the evenings he would ask me to watch TV and hang out … but I was depressed. For several reasons I felt guilty over several bad mistakes that I pushed for, I felt depressed and withdrawn…so instead of saying, okay let’s cuddle and watch TV and spending that time together talking and just … being… I was upstairs in bed reading. That is how it was. Every. single. Night. Including up until all this went down in May when I made an effort to try to save our marriage. So yeah. I can understand how this could have happened. I don’t condone it. I’m still angry about it … but looking back and being truly honest with myself…I played a big part.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> No I did not because he never TOLD me what his ‘new’ hopes and dreams were! And he never asked me mine.
> 
> We spoke on the phone last for 3 hours and I got him to admit that even HE doesn’t know. Honestly he is lost and going through a major mid life crisis. Not excusing anything but he honestly doesn’t know who he is and what he wants. But here is the kicker … so am I.
> 
> which is why I feel we should just let it … be. And try marriage counseling. I donno. As of now I don’t know where things stand. I’m prepared to file today. Good thing I see my therapist today! Lol.
> 
> So last night I got him to admit that the affair was a fantasy. That from the beginning he never, ever intended to make it permanent or leave his family. He knew it was a fantasy, and it was an escape from the reality of real life (ie: me, bills, house issues, family issues, job issues). But he just can’t come to terms with the fact that he has feelings for 2 women that he should have for ONLY his wife (even though it ended in May). And that is why he wants a divorce. I told him … SHE is a fantasy. You just said it. Yes she is a flesh and blood woman but she played a part in something that really doesn’t exist. So therefore I don’t think you have feelings for HER per se but for the illusion of perfection in a fantasy world.
> 
> he thinks he doesn’t deserve my love. Or my devotion. Or a 2nd chance. So I explained to him that I have to take my part of the responsibility in this situation. Looking back at the timeline of events … when this started, and continuing after, I withdrew from him. So when he was home, in the evenings he would ask me to watch TV and hang out … but I was depressed. For several reasons I felt guilty over several bad mistakes that I pushed for, I felt depressed and withdrawn…so instead of saying, okay let’s cuddle and watch TV and spending that time together talking and just … being… I was upstairs in bed reading. That is how it was. Every. single. Night. Including up until all this went down in May when I made an effort to try to save our marriage. So yeah. I can understand how this could have happened. I don’t condone it. I’m still angry about it … but looking back and being truly honest with myself…I played a big part.


No one knows what goes through another's mind. But if he asks you to be everything his mistress was(whatever that was) for him would you do it?


----------



## MrBigBoy

My "wife" have her things in a storage unit. She's leaving in a couple of hours. This is perhaps the first day of the beginning of my divorce, the physical part of it. 
I'm nervous, scared and a little excited in a happy way. Weird. 
My son just said he wanted to help more with the business. I'm hoping we can get along. 
All major utilities have been transferred.


----------



## Annemarie W

Absolutely not.


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## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> Absolutely not.


Even if he hadn't cheated?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Kisses me on the head and says she loves me and she's gone. I continued working on my laptop. I don't want to care. I refuse to care for someone who would abandon me. Gonna focus on me and my son.


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## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> Even if he hadn't cheated?


What do you mean?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> What do you mean?


Had he come to you before going to someone else would you have done what the mistress was willing to do for him?


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> Had he come to you before going to someone else would you have done what the mistress was willing to do for him?


Well to be honest, I don't know what she was doing in the bedroom, nor do I care to know. We have always had a very active, good sex life, even during this past year, so to be honest, I might already have!


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> Kisses me on the head and says she loves me and she's gone. I continued working on my laptop. I don't want to care. I refuse to care for someone who would abandon me. Gonna focus on me and my son.


im so so sorry! how are you doing? 

how does your son feel about all of this? my girls (21 & 24) are so so angry at him. neither will speak to him at the moment.

my husband and i decided this morning to separate. he found a place to rent on a monthly basis. he really needs to work on himself. 

we spoke on the phone for 2 hrs on monday and i said all i needed to say and for the first time in 26 years i feel like he really HEARD me.

i am content to let things just be. day to day won’t change since he was never home anyway. the only difference is there will be no communication. its not like i have anything or anyone to run to. im fine just letting things lie for now.

i haven’t been sleeping this past week. and now, that the decision to separate (not divorce) has been made … i feel like i could sleep for years.


----------



## Orthotech

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce) around the end of November of this year 2021. A few days ago she bought a storage unit and she's there now putting a few things into it. Even with the warning I feel like a deer in headlights. I know I know. I took her out to eat 1-2 days a week for the last few months hoping it would help make things better for us. I had hope. I mean things are bad sometimes but what marriage is 100% flawless? My son is out living with his friends, he just couldn't respect my rules(no marijuana, help around the house, etc.). I have no family or friends in this state. My closest relative over powers me with constant preaching(phone). My closest friend drinks daily and is always medicated with Vino(wine), this is how he deals with his passing wife(phone). I really don't know what's going to happen to me. My job(I'm the owner) is strenuous. And my wife used to relief some of that pressure with the paperwork. No son, no, with, no friends or family. I've never been alone. I have a slight cast of social anxiety.





ltsandwich said:


> My man. You really need to read more scripture. Then you'd know there are other grounds for divorce including abandonment, which is what she did. You pleading for her to come back just proves you don't love yourself.
> 
> Why the hell should she at this point. You put your head in the sand with scary stuff and act surprised this happened with similar crap happened before.
> 
> We won't coddle you. She doesn't want you. Let her go. Figure out a new life, even if you have to sell your business by having her sell her side to you and move to cheap area. Live a new life and figure out how to be happy without her.


You and I are in the EXACT same boat although she hasn’t left yet. We’ve been married 25 years and I own my own business but I work from home. We moved here 2 years ago and I have ZERO support, no friends or family. She also did the books for us.

I would add that there has never been any infidelity or abuse in our 25 years, although she may argue some mental abuse. Sept 1st was the day of the blowup for her. I had a role in this but never saw this coming. My wife also laughs and shows her happiness as if to be passive aggressive. I have lived in basement for 3 months.

If you would like to talk, I am here.

Scott


----------



## Orthotech

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce) around the end of November of this year 2021. A few days ago she bought a storage unit and she's there now putting a few things into it. Even with the warning I feel like a deer in headlights. I know I know. I took her out to eat 1-2 days a week for the last few months hoping it would help make things better for us. I had hope. I mean things are bad sometimes but what marriage is 100% flawless? My son is out living with his friends, he just couldn't respect my rules(no marijuana, help around the house, etc.). I have no family or friends in this state. My closest relative over powers me with constant preaching(phone). My closest friend drinks daily and is always medicated with Vino(wine), this is how he deals with his passing wife(phone). I really don't know what's going to happen to me. My job(I'm the owner) is strenuous. And my wife used to relief some of that pressure with the paperwork. No son, no, with, no friends or family. I've never been alone. I have a slight cast of social anxiety.





ltsandwich said:


> My man. You really need to read more scripture. Then you'd know there are other grounds for divorce including abandonment, which is what she did. You pleading for her to come back just proves you don't love yourself.
> 
> Why the hell should she at this point. You put your head in the sand with scary stuff and act surprised this happened with similar crap happened before.
> 
> We won't coddle you. She doesn't want you. Let her go. Figure out a new life, even if you have to sell your business by having her sell her side to you and move to cheap area. Live a new life and figure out how to be happy without her.


You and I are in the EXACT same boat although she hasn’t left yet. We’ve been married 25 years and I own my own business but I work from home. We moved here 2 years ago and I have ZERO support, no friends or family. She also did the books for us.

I would add that there has never been any infidelity or abuse in our 25 years, although she may argue some mental abuse. Sept 1st was the day of the blowup for her. I had a role in this but never saw this coming. My wife also laughs and shows her happiness as if to be passive aggressive. I have lived in basement for 3 months.

If you would like to talk, I am here.

Scott


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Kisses me on the head and says she loves me and she's gone. I continued working on my laptop. I don't want to care. I refuse to care for someone who would abandon me. Gonna focus on me and my son.


Words. Just words.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Words. Just words.


I think so.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Orthotech said:


> You and I are in the EXACT same boat although she hasn’t left yet. We’ve been married 25 years and I own my own business but I work from home. We moved here 2 years ago and I have ZERO support, no friends or family. She also did the books for us.
> 
> I would add that there has never been any infidelity or abuse in our 25 years, although she may argue some mental abuse. Sept 1st was the day of the blowup for her. I had a role in this but never saw this coming. My wife also laughs and shows her happiness as if to be passive aggressive. I have lived in basement for 3 months.
> 
> If you would like to talk, I am here.
> 
> Scott


I have no proof that she physically cheated, yet. I've never cheated, physically. 

So what lead you out of your bed and into the basement?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Annemarie W said:


> im so so sorry! how are you doing?
> 
> how does your son feel about all of this? my girls (21 & 24) are so so angry at him. neither will speak to him at the moment.
> 
> my husband and i decided this morning to separate. he found a place to rent on a monthly basis. he really needs to work on himself.
> 
> we spoke on the phone for 2 hrs on monday and i said all i needed to say and for the first time in 26 years i feel like he really HEARD me.
> 
> i am content to let things jMust be. day to day won’t change since he was never home anyway. the only difference is there will be no communication. its not like i have anything or anyone to run to. im fine just letting things lie for now.
> 
> i haven’t been sleeping this past week. and now, that the decision to separate (not divorce) has been made … i feel like i could sleep for years.


I'm coping, I think. 

My son is okay. He's just convinced that his mother just wants to focus on herself. I think she mentioned going into nursing school or something. I'm going to talk to him more about this later. But he thinks she just wanting to "better" herself. So they are okay. 
I've never understood separation. I don't agree with it(other than abuse, etc.). The individuals become one, cleave to one another. I think this is a very selfish act. If a job or money makes you a better person why get married? 
I'm convinced that my wife has decided she wants something else. It could be a job, money or even another guy. You don't work on a marriage separately. "Separation" is just a selfish act.


----------



## Marc878

Yep, you got it.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wife just texted: Checking on you, how was your day ?

Should I just ignore her texts? The 180?


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm coping, I think.
> 
> My son is okay. He's just convinced that his mother just wants to focus on herself. I think she mentioned going into nursing school or something. I'm going to talk to him more about this later. But he thinks she just wanting to "better" herself. So they are okay.
> I've never understood separation. I don't agree with it(other than abuse, etc.). The individuals become one, cleave to one another. I think this is a very selfish act. If a job or money makes you a better person why get married?
> I'm convinced that my wife has decided she wants something else. It could be a job, money or even another guy. You don't work on a marriage separately. "Separation" is just a selfish act.


I somewhat agree…but i would rather separate than jump into a hasty divorce when he isn’t thinking (and obvi wasn’t) thinking rationally. Like i said he was gone all the time anyway so my day to day life isn’t changing … the only real Change is communication.

And I agree you can’t work on a marriage apart but we are at the stage of him asking himself if he even wants to try? once he moves past that , then yes the separation must end. but technically at this point we aren’t working on the marriage. He is thinking about what he did, what it means, why and if he feels the feelings are there or not still to move forward. He told me he talked to his therapist yesterday and she said to ‘not take too long apart deciding. She told him (apparently) to listen to his heart and it will tell him what to do. Either you love or you Don‘t’ He told me today he won’t drag this out. I’m glad because quite honestly I don’t want to drag it out too long. But at the same time I feel he needs space to think. I don’t want him to agree to counseling if he isn’t open minded and open hearted. If he is just doing it to appease me there is no point.

ii know it sounds one sided, like I’m giving him all the power when he did me wrong…but the thing is, he is a good man. He is not himself. And i want to make Every attempt at reconciliation knowing my feelings, and if he still say no, my conscience Is clear and I will be able to move on after divorce at peace knowing I tried everything to save our marriage. i will be at peace. Otherwise I will always wonder … what if I tried this or that, and that could hold me back relationship-wise in the future. i am doing this for me. Not him.


----------



## Annemarie W

MrBigBoy said:


> Wife just texted: Checking on you, how was your day ?
> 
> Should I just ignore her texts? The 180?


It depends on your expectations? If you feel you can reply without read into it and just go at face value you’ll be fine. If you are trying to read some into it … or deciphering what she is trying to say, I’d give it some time.

on this I speak from experience. It’s very easy to get your hopes up built on …nothing.


----------



## Galabar01

MrBigBoy said:


> Wife just texted: Checking on you, how was your day ?
> 
> Should I just ignore her texts? The 180?


Crickets...


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Wife just texted: Checking on you, how was your day ?
> 
> Should I just ignore her texts? The 180?


You're busy.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> You're busy.


lol, I am. I'm not responding. I don't think she cares, just trying to get a handle on my feelings. 

I just opened a letter(addressed to us) that came today from the IRS stating that my(our names) personal information was used to "access your financial income tax return through the US Dept of Education online free application for Federal Student Aid(FAFSA). Yeah, she's at her mothers and just like that. She abandons me after 30 years to go back to school. 

I dropped my life for my family. I was a musician, I was in college. I walked away from everything that was me for about 29 of the 30 years because She wanted 2 kids. I used a condom prior to the second child, not sure what happened. My wife quit high school and relied on me to get the kids into college, so I home schooled. I adjusted my work hours around my kids and helped my kids to d1 scholarships. They are almost 10 years apart so this went on for years. Both of them. Full scholarships. I even helped my wife get her ged. For almost 30 years I did this. After my son went off to college I was excited, I thought it was back to me and my wife again. Wow.
I recorded with a world wide famous rock group when I was younger, but I walked away from my life to raise our kids. And now I'm here working, with a practical company that I have only because it was practical, reliable and stable for my family. Not what I wanted to do, but what was practical. I don't regret what I did for my kids, just hate that it wasn't my original plan, but I fell into it. And now she gets to chase dreams?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> lol, I am. I'm not responding. I don't think she cares, just trying to get a handle on my feelings.
> 
> I just opened a letter(addressed to us) that came today from the IRS stating that my(our names) personal information was used to "access your financial income tax return through the US Dept of Education online free application for Federal Student Aid(FAFSA). Yeah, she's at her mothers and just like that. She abandons me after 30 years to go back to school.
> 
> I dropped my life for my family. I was a musician, I was in college. I walked away from everything that was me for about 29 of the 30 years because She wanted 2 kids. I used a condom prior to the second child, not sure what happened. My wife quit high school and relied on me to get the kids into college, so I home schooled. I adjusted my work hours around my kids and helped my kids to d1 scholarships. They are almost 10 years apart so this went on for years. Both of them. Full scholarships. I even helped my wife get her ged. For almost 30 years I did this. After my son went off to college I was excited, I thought it was back to me and my wife again. Wow.
> I recorded with a world wide famous rock group when I was younger, but I walked away from my life to raise our kids. And now I'm here working, with a practical company that I have only because it was practical, reliable and stable for my family. Not what I wanted to do, but what was practical. I don't regret what I did for my kids, just hate that it wasn't my original plan, but I fell into it. And now she gets to chase dreams?


She unquestionably used you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> She unquestionably used you.


Yeah


----------



## marko polo

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm coping, I think.
> 
> My son is okay. He's just convinced that his mother just wants to focus on herself. I think she mentioned going into nursing school or something. I'm going to talk to him more about this later. But he thinks she just wanting to "better" herself. So they are okay.
> I've never understood separation. I don't agree with it(other than abuse, etc.). The individuals become one, cleave to one another. I think this is a very selfish act. If a job or money makes you a better person why get married?
> I'm convinced that my wife has decided she wants something else. It could be a job, money or even another guy. You don't work on a marriage separately. "Separation" is just a selfish act.


Separation / space = She would like to take other men out for a test drive and see if she can find a suitable replacement for you.

If she was interested in the marriage she wouldn't be looking for a separation. If you haven't already, speak to a lawyer to see what divorce will look like for you. 

If you are the one paying for her education rest assured once her education is complete she will then divorce you. Why wait? Divorce her now and let her pay for her own education.


----------



## Galabar01

MrBigBoy said:


> ... I used a condom prior to the second child, not sure what happened. ...


You need to DNA test your kids.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Galabar01 said:


> You need to DNA test your kids.


I was 100% sure of the first, but not the 2nd, so I did(cost me around $400). And they(both our kids) are a carbon copy of me. My brother suggested maybe she damaged the condoms, pin holes or something-idk.


----------



## Marc878

No contact is your best friend.


----------



## MrBigBoy

My son said that my wife text him and asked about me. He told her that he wasn't sure where I was. I was actually out taking care of some business. I told him to not update her on my whereabouts, he understood and he mumbled walking away 'why would someone want to leave and then ask about where they left anyway.' I agreed with him. 

I have not responded to her last text that I posted here.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> My son said that my wife text him and asked about me. He told her that he wasn't sure where I was. I was actually out taking care of some business. I told him to not update her on my whereabouts, he understood and he mumbled walking away 'why would someone want to leave and then ask about where they left anyway.' I agreed with him.
> 
> I have not responded to her last text that I posted here.


Good boy. 
He's on your side.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Good boy.
> He's on your side.


I admit, It did feel good to hear that from him.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Should I ask for a divorce?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Should I ask for a divorce?


You don’t need her permission. Manipulation if that’s what you’re attempting never works out like you think.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> You don’t need her permission. Manipulation if that’s what you’re attempting never works out like you think.


Manipulation, what do you mean? I think she wants a divorce, but could be 50/50 with the idea. But either way I need to move on.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Manipulation, what do you mean? I think she wants a divorce, but could be 50/50 with the idea. But either way I need to move on.


Asking her for permission to divorce. Is usually a scare tactic. Trying to manipulate.
Why do you need her permission? Why after what she’s doing would you ask that?

If you want to read something useful download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s free and short. Nothing is going to help you if you don’t apply it.
Did you ever see an attorney? Her actions tell you what?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Asking her for permission to divorce. Is usually a scare tactic. Trying to manipulate.
> Why do you need her permission? Why after what she’s doing would you ask that?
> 
> If you want to read something useful download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s free and short. Nothing is going to help you if you don’t apply it.
> Did you ever see an attorney?


No


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> No


So you’ve done nothing. While your wife is moving her stuff out of the house. Probably has a boyfriend. That’s usually the case.
The Calvary isn’t coming. This will be all on you. Stop living on hopium and start actions. Knowledge is power. Find out where you stand. Standing around flatfooted isn’t going to get you much.
Talk or words = nothing. Only actions count.

At least read the book I suggested.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> So you’ve done nothing. While your wife is moving her stuff out of the house. Probably has a boyfriend. That’s usually the case.
> The Calvary isn’t coming. This will be all on you. Stop living on hopium and start actions. Knowledge is power. Find out where you stand. Standing around flatfooted isn’t going to get you much.
> Talk or words = nothing. Only actions count.
> 
> At least read the book I suggested.


If she has a boyfriend I'm sure he's a loser and they can have each other. 

Done nothing? I'm building my relationship with my son, took over the paperwork, etc. I'm going to weekly meetings with my son. I'm planning to start a weekly divorce class, hopefully in a week or so. I'm a little introverted, but have been going back and forth to the grocery store(2x a week) and plan to join a martial arts class.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> If she has a boyfriend I'm sure he's a loser and they can have each other.
> 
> Done nothing? I'm building my relationship with my son, took over the paperwork, etc. I'm going to weekly meetings with my son. I'm planning to start a weekly divorce class, hopefully in a week or so. I'm a little introverted, but have been going back and forth to the grocery store(2x a week) and plan to join a martial arts class.


All that’s good but it’s not going to prepare you for what she’s planning. Her actions tell you what’s coming. 
Finances and property settlements matter. Don’t be one of those wishing they’d prepared after the fact.
Get to an attorney. You should be able to set up some free consults. I’d look over 3. There are good and bad ones so choose wisely. It will at least prepare you. Looking won’t cost you much if anything.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> All that’s good but it’s not going to prepare you for what she’s planning. Her actions tell you what’s coming.
> Finances and property settlements matter. Don’t be one of those wishing they’d prepared after the fact.
> Get to an attorney. You should be able to set up some free consults. I’d look over 3. There are good and bad ones so choose wisely. It will at least prepare you. Looking won’t cost you much if anything.


I'm considering that. I just don't think she's thinking that way. But if so I don't want to fight and watch the lawyers get fat. I'd probably have to negotiate with her if it comes to it. Quick and easy.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm considering that. I just don't think she's thinking that way. But if so I don't want to fight and watch the lawyers get fat. I'd probably have to negotiate with her if it comes to it. Quick and easy.


You never thought she’d do this either did you? So you really don’t know what she’s going to try. 
Knowing your rights will at least prepare you.
Hey maybe you’re right. Sit back and let her do what she’s gonna do. If you’re fine with that who are we to say.
Good luck


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> You never thought she’d do this either did you? So you really don’t know what she’s going to try.
> Knowing your rights will at least prepare you.
> Hey maybe you’re right. Sit back and let her do what she’s gonna do. If you’re fine with that who are we to say.
> Good luck


Ok, I will do it. Just make an appointment with a divorce attorney and ask him where I stand and what could my wife do to me?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> You never thought she’d do this either did you? So you really don’t know what she’s going to try.
> Knowing your rights will at least prepare you.
> Hey maybe you’re right. Sit back and let her do what she’s gonna do. If you’re fine with that who are we to say.
> Good luck


I will do it, thanks Marc


----------



## Marc878

You will have to help yourself.


----------



## jlg07

@MrBigBoy, you need to get with an attorney to protect yourself, and to get a PLAN together about what you will do (and/or COULD do). You are flying blind right now, and the info from the attorney can help you get some clarity around what your plans need to be.
Another important thing -- GET YOUR FINANCES separated and locked down. The lawyer can also guide you with this.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> @MrBigBoy, you need to get with an attorney to protect yourself, and to get a PLAN together about what you will do (and/or COULD do). You are flying blind right now, and the info from the attorney can help you get some clarity around what your plans need to be.
> Another important thing -- GET YOUR FINANCES separated and locked down. The lawyer can also guide you with this.


I've already opened another savings and transferred my funds. I already had a checking. She has no access to the business accounts.


----------



## MrBigBoy




----------



## MrBigBoy

Wife is still at her mother's. She's helping me get caught up with the paperwork. I reinstated her login access to the system to do the data entry. I'm trying to get the books closed asap, I am using another system after this. I don't have time to learn everything she has done, I just want her to help me close this so I can give it to my cpa. 

The divorce church group has not reached out to me yet. I'm going to call them. 

My son is working with me, but I can see the marijuana and the staying up late(video games) taking a toll on his work performance. My son does not want to go back to the Friday night church drug addiction sessions. I am going to have to figure something out. 

I've been talking with my brother but it ends up with him hanging up on me. "If you oppose me you are the DeVil!" Click! Then I look at my phone and say, "WTF?" But I love him.


----------



## MrBigBoy

My "wife" text me asking me where our son was and how our day was. I told her pretty good and that he was here. She texted me for me to let my son know that she would be calling him, on his phone. And I'm wondering why she's texting me and not him. She then calls him on his phone and they talk. I later asked my son what was going on, and he told me that she wanted to come and pick him up and go to the movies on Friday. This is not normal even when she was here. I really don't want her coming here. She left. I think she's probably trying to set this up as though we have a nice friendly platonic relationship and we're all happy. And she gets to walk around this house like it's her "other" place. We own a place together at another location, this home is a rental. We've been here for almost 8 years. But she left. Would I be wrong to tell her that I prefer that she not come here and have my son to meet her somewhere? During the 90 days that she first abandon me, she came to check in on me, after getting her hair and nails done along with new clothes. I don't want to play that game. Would I be wrong if I told her he'll meet her somewhere?


----------



## jonty30

It's your home. She's just playing games with you. A truly contrite person does not play games.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> It's your home. She's just playing games with you. A truly contrite person does not play games.


When I do reply back to her text I try to be short and to the point. Sometimes I deliberately wait hours, sometimes a day or two before responding. When we do talk she seems to be able to control herself and we talk about business related issues. So what would make her want to play games? I think she's aware that I wanted the marriage to work, but only if she wanted the same. 
I want to know reasons someone would do this and what could I do to avoid it?


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> It's your home. She's just playing games with you. A truly contrite person does not play games.


Should I tell her that our son will meet her somewhere?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> When I do reply back to her text I try to be short and to the point. Sometimes I deliberately wait hours, sometimes a day or two before responding. When we do talk she seems to be able to control herself and we talk about business related issues. So what would make her want to play games? I think she's aware that I wanted the marriage to work, but only if she wanted the same.
> I want to know reasons someone would do this and what could I do to avoid it?


You can't avoid what she is doing, unless you want to avoid entirely and it is your right to ban her from your property. 
She's just showing you what she thinks you're missing. It's her vanity.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Should I tell her that our son will meet her somewhere?


That is your right, if that's what you want to do.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> That is your right, if that's what you want to do.


Would you do it?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Would you do it?


Personally, If I was bothered by it, I would.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> When I do reply back to her text I try to be short and to the point. Sometimes I deliberately wait hours, sometimes a day or two before responding. When we do talk she seems to be able to control herself and we talk about business related issues. So what would make her want to play games? I think she's aware that I wanted the marriage to work, but only if she wanted the same.
> I want to know reasons someone would do this and what could I do to avoid it?


To make themselves feel and look better about the choice they made. Most want the let be friends theme. It’s all for her. Not you. No contact is your best path. All contact does is reset the clock every time.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Personally, If I was bothered by it, I would.


My options that I was thinking: 1. Make plans that day so she will know I was out, maybe a date. 2. Have a date over at the house, but I don't want to cause another problem. 3. Ask her to not come here, to my place, but our son can meet her somewhere.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> My options that I was thinking: 1. Make plans that day so she will know I was out, maybe a date. 2. Have a date over at the house, but I don't want to cause another problem. 3. Ask her to not come here, to my place, but our son can meet her somewhere.


I like the you're entertaining a lady when the ex-wife shows up best. Just keep it cordial from your side.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> To make themselves feel and look better about the choice they made. Most want the let be friends theme. It’s all for her. Not you. No contact is your best path. All contact does is reset the clock every time.


That clock resetting definitely, that's what I don't want. Maybe she doesn't want me getting too comfortable too fast. Maybe she wants to keep me confused and scared.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> I like the you're entertaining a lady when the ex-wife shows up best. Just keep it cordial from your side.


Well, I have no real proof that she cheated so I don't want to be the one that officially stepped out first.


----------



## Marc878

If it were me I’d tell her to contact her son direct. Set out boundaries about your home, etc. No Contact is up to you. It will keep you bound in limbo if you don’t.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Well, I have no real proof that she cheated so I don't want to be the one that officially stepped out first.


Otherwise, the best way to handle it is to never let it show that she is getting to you. If she dresses to the nines, your reaction should be deliberately identical to her as if she was wearing gym pants and a baggy hoodie.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Well, I have no real proof that she cheated so I don't want to be the one that officially stepped out first.


You only need proof enough for yourself. No one else matters. A lot will keep themselves in limbo by using denial.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> That clock resetting definitely, that's what I don't want. Maybe she doesn't want me getting too comfortable too fast. Maybe she wants to keep me confused and scared.


If you have no contact then you don’t have to bother about what she’s wearing or how she looks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> If it were me I’d ell her to contact her son direct. Set out boundaries about your home, etc. No Contact is up to you. It will keep you bound in limbo if you don’t.


Yeah, I had that talk with him after the phone call. I agree with you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> If you have no contact then you don’t have to bother about what she’s wearing or how she looks.


I don't want any contact. I think she's trying to get me to see her by wanting to come here to pick up our son to take him to the movies. #1. It's an hour drive. #2. He's 22 years old. And she wants to take him to the movies. I don't want to see what she looks like.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I don't want any contact. I think she's trying to get me to see her by wanting to come here to pick up our son to take him to the movies. #1. It's an hour drive. #2. He's 22 years old. And she wants to take him to the movies. I don't want to see what she looks like.


"I don't want any contact."

That settles it right there.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> "I don't want any contact."
> 
> That settles it right there.


So its not weird to have our son meet her away from my place?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> So its not weird to have our son meet her away from my place?


No. It's your property. You can't do anything about her parking her car outside your property, but you have every right to decide who comes on your property.
You're still in a vulnerable state, so it is the best thing for her to be kept away from you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> No. It's your property. You can't do anything about her parking her car outside your property, but you have every right to decide who comes on your property.
> You're still in a vulnerable state, so it is the best thing for her to be kept away from you.


Wont she pick that up right away, that I'm in a vulnerable state and use that against me?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Wont she pick that up right away, that I'm in a vulnerable state and use that against me?


She is using it against you, when she gets all dolled up before meeting you. 
You just have to stop reacting to it. Pretend she's in gym pants and wearing a hoodie, at all times.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> She is using it against you, when she gets all dolled up before meeting you.
> You just have to stop reacting to it. Pretend she's in gym pants and wearing a hoodie, at all times.


To be honest I just don't want to see.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> To be honest I just don't want to see.


I understand. 
I suggest that you do tell her that she has to stay in the car, when on your property.


----------



## MrBigBoy

MrBigBoy said:


> To be honest I just don't want to see.


I think I will just have to figure out how to not be here.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> I understand.
> I suggest that you do tell her that she has to stay in the car, when on your property.


If she took the time and effort to show off, believe me she'll get out of the car and will come in.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> If she took the time and effort to show off, believe me she'll get out of the car and will come in.


If she doesn't comply with your wishes, she is trespassing. 
You have the options, at that point, to call the cops.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> If she doesn't comply with your wishes, she is trespassing.
> You have the options, at that point, to call the cops.


I couldn't do that. I'll ask her to meet my son somewhere, but just in case I will be sure to not be home.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I couldn't do that. I'll ask her to meet my son somewhere, but just in case I will be sure to not be home.


You'd only have to do it once. 
You do what seems best.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Should I tell her that our son will meet her somewhere?


So, I thought your son didn't live with you but with friends? In any event, if he DOES live there, and she would normally come to pick him up, then just tell her that you are going to drop him off at the movie theater and she can meet him there.
NO REASON AT ALL why she needs to come to your house.

ETA: Just saw that it's an hour away from your house. He's 22 -- just drop him off at a nearby shopping mall or store and she can pick him up from there.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> If she took the time and effort to show off, believe me she'll get out of the car and will come in.


Your son is an adult. Tell him you don’t want her around and expect him to handle it. Stay out of their relationship. She doesn’t need to contact you. 

Does he have his own car?

If she does come around have him meet her outside. You aren’t helpless here. Change the locks on the door if you haven’t. 

She left so keep her out. Give her what she wanted.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> So, I thought your son didn't live with you but with friends? In any event, if he DOES live there, and she would normally come to pick him up, then just tell her that you are going to drop him off at the movie theater and she can meet him there.
> NO REASON AT ALL why she needs to come to your house.
> 
> ETA: Just saw that it's an hour away from your house. He's 22 -- just drop him off at a nearby shopping mall or store and she can pick him up from there.


Our son lives with me. He hangs out at his friend's house, and lived there when I threw him out. They've never gone to the movies together, not normal.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Your son is an adult. Tell him you don’t want her around and expect him to handle it. Stay out of their relationship. She doesn’t need to contact you.
> 
> Does he have his own car?
> 
> If she does come around have him meet her outside. You aren’t helpless here. Change the locks on the door if you haven’t.
> 
> She left so keep her out. Give her what she wanted.


My son tries to stay pretty neutral, not sure how much of an effort he'd put up to keep her out of my house. I don't want anything to do with their relationship. I prefer to have no contact with her. 
He doesn't have a car. 
She does not have keys to the new deadbolts. Getting in would probably be the least of her concerns, actually. Just her standing out in the front yard with makeup, hair and new clothes would satisfy her. I think her mission is for me to see what she refuse to do for me for the last 5 years of this rotten "marriage."


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I think her mission is for me to see what she refuse to do for me for the last 5 years of this rotten "marriage."


You are correct.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> My son tries to stay pretty neutral, not sure how much of an effort he'd put up to keep her out of my house. I don't want anything to do with their relationship. I prefer to have no contact with her.
> He doesn't have a car.
> She does not have keys to the new deadbolts. Getting in would probably be the least of her concerns, actually. Just her standing out in the front yard with makeup, hair and new clothes would satisfy her. I think her mission is for me to see what she refuse to do for me for the last 5 years of this rotten "marriage."


Don't let her play her games. Do what ever you need to do to stay no contact with her.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Our son lives with me. He hangs out at his friend's house, and lived there when I threw him out. They've never gone to the movies together, not normal.


So then just drop him off somewhere convenient for you and safe for him so that SHE can then pick him up and do whatever.
Maybe she realizes how badly she has messed up her relationship with him and wants to try to get some of that back?
Who knows, and more importantly, you shouldn't care.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> So then just drop him off somewhere convenient for you and safe for him so that SHE can then pick him up and do whatever.
> Maybe she realizes how badly she has messed up her relationship with him and wants to try to get some of that back?
> Who knows, and more importantly, you shouldn't care.


Maybe, or maybe she just wants me to get a look at her. This whole thing(on my end) is just about me not seeing her, at all.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Maybe, or maybe she just wants me to get a look at her. This whole thing(on my end) is just about me not seeing her, at all.


Then don't. She is definitely playing games with you. Just don't play along.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Then don't. She is definitely playing games with you. Just don't play along.


I know. Right now I'm just looking for strategies that will help me avoid seeing her.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> I know. Right now I'm just looking for strategies that will help me avoid seeing her.


It should actually be easy for you since you don't have young children. There are co-parents that manage handoffs without ever seeing each other. You have to be able to avoid her. Your 22 year old son should be able to coordinate things with his mother so that you and her don't have any contact. 

If you haven't done so already I would tell your STBXW that you don't want any contact with her, no text, no voice, no visual. Let her know that walking away after 32 years is appalling behavior and for your own sake you don't want any contact with a person that would do that to you. The least she could do is help you with that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> It should actually be easy for you since you don't have young children. There are co-parents that manage handoffs without ever seeing each other. You have to be able to avoid her. Your 22 year old son should be able to coordinate things with his mother so that you and her don't have any contact.
> 
> If you haven't done so already I would tell your STBXW that you don't want any contact with her, no text, no voice, no visual. Let her know that walking away after 32 years is appalling behavior and for your own sake you don't want any contact with a person that would do that to you. The least she could do is help you with that.


I agree, but I am ok with the texting, usually business related stuff; property taxes, irs tax payments, health plan, vehicle insurance, etc.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> I agree, but I am ok with the texting, usually business related stuff; property taxes, irs tax payments, health plan, vehicle insurance, etc.


That is fine, whatever boundaries you are okay with. Just make them clear to her.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is fine, whatever boundaries you are okay with. Just make them clear to her.


Will do.


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> Just her standing out in the front yard with makeup, hair and new clothes would satisfy her. I think her mission is for me to see what she refuse to do for me for the last 5 years of this rotten "marriage."


Stop looking out the window when you know she's going to be there. She knows that you can't resist looking, which is how she is successfully bothering you. Stop giving her the satisfaction. Stop looking! Go do something productive and healthy instead.
Also, if you aren't already doing this, start working out, eating better, and generally taking better care of yourself. Not to spite her, but to get into a happier mindset where you are not looking to her for you self-worth. Taking care of yourself and moving forward with your life is a healthy way to live.


----------



## farsidejunky

MrBigBoy said:


> That clock resetting definitely, that's what I don't want. Maybe she doesn't want me getting too comfortable too fast. Maybe she wants to keep me confused and scared.


It likely isn't that, but rather her trying to assuage her own guilt over initiating this situation. If she can be friends with you, she can convince herself you aren't as bad off as you actually are or may be. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## MrBigBoy

Cynthia said:


> Stop looking out the window when you know she's going to be there. She knows that you can't resist looking, which is how she is successfully bothering you. Stop giving her the satisfaction. Stop looking! Go do something productive and healthy instead.
> Also, if you aren't already doing this, start working out, eating better, and generally taking better care of yourself. Not to spite her, but to get into a happier mindset where you are not looking to her for you self-worth. Taking care of yourself and moving forward with your life is a healthy way to live.


I wouldn't look out to see her. But just the thought of her thinking I would and have her leaving here thinking I did is a problem also.
I've actually lost a lot of weight recently. I notice this right after she left. I'm actually at a weight I haven't seen in about 10 years. And I'm still losing. I'm aware that some of it is due to my wife leaving. But I'm going to continue to eat better and exercise. 
I've been calling around to a few karate centers. I'm going to learn Karate.


----------



## MrBigBoy

farsidejunky said:


> It likely isn't that, but rather her trying to assuage her own guilt over initiating this situation. If she can be friends with you, she can convince herself you aren't as bad off as you actually are or may be.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Why would she want to do that?


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> I wouldn't look out to see her.* But just the thought of her thinking I would and have her leaving here thinking I did is a problem also.*
> I've actually lost a lot of weight recently. I notice this right after she left. I'm actually at a weight I haven't seen in about 10 years. And I'm still losing. I'm aware that some of it is due to my wife leaving. But I'm going to continue to eat better and exercise.
> I've been calling around to a few karate centers. I'm going to learn Karate.


What she is thinking doesn't matter. What matters is whether you are continuing to let her control your thinking. You are not a puppet. You are perfectly capable of ignoring her when she is around. You really don't know what she is thinking, nor should it matter. She'll think whatever she thinks. Let it go.

I'm sorry that you've lost weight from grief. That's no fun. It is good that you are eating better and exercising. Taking up a new skill is a great idea. You will also be in a class with other people, which is a healthy social outlet. Good plan.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Cynthia said:


> What she is thinking doesn't matter. What matters is whether you are continuing to let her control your thinking. You are not a puppet. You are perfectly capable of ignoring her when she is around. You really don't know what she is thinking, nor should it matter. She'll think whatever she thinks. Let it go.
> 
> I'm sorry that you've lost weight from grief. That's no fun. It is good that you are eating better and exercising. Taking up a new skill is a great idea. You will also be in a class with other people, which is a healthy social outlet. Good plan.


Thanks


----------



## MrBigBoy

My f*** nosey neighbor just called. I know his nosey wife puts him up to it. He pretends to call about something stupid and holds me on the phone, right when I try to get rid of him,..."Hey are you and "****" still together?" he quickly asks. "Huh, yeah,... why you ask?" I replied. "Because I haven't seen the car lately, was just wondering," he says. I changed the subject and told him to have a good day to end the conversation.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just told her I'd like for her to pick him up at his friend's place a few blocks away. So far she's saying no. After about 10-15 of texting back and forth, she asks if she could just sit in the car in front of the neighbor's. I said no. She's killing me. I know she will walk to the house trying to show off in the street in front of the neighbors.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I messed up! Bad


----------



## MrBigBoy

I continued texting her to get her to not come here. I asked her to grant me just that favor. So I asked her, "Are you happier?" I was going to use that to get her to help me to be happier with this one favor. But she wouldn't answer but eventually said that it wasn't about being happier. She asked me how would I fix something toxic(a relationship), and I told her that I would find the source, then the cause. But I repeated, out of curiosity, "Are you happier?" She never answered and later asked me if I was happier. I asked her, "why would I be?" and she then replied, "why would I be?" WTH? Then she talked about doing this for us. I told her it wasn't for me it was for herself. But I told her that if she was happier without me then I would be happy with that. But I told her that I loved her and she said that she loved me more. WTH?


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> I continued texting her to get her to not come here. I asked her to grant me just that favor. So I asked her, "Are you happier?" I was going to use that to get her to help me to be happier with this one favor. But she wouldn't answer but eventually said that it wasn't about being happier. She asked me how would I fix something toxic(a relationship), and I told her that I would find the source, then the cause. But I repeated, out of curiosity, "Are you happier?" She never answered and later asked me if I was happier. I asked her, "why would I be?" and she then replied, "why would I be?" WTH? Then she talked about doing this for us. I told her it wasn't for me it was for herself. But I told her that if she was happier without me then I would be happy with that. But I told her that I loved her and she said that she loved me more. WTH?


Dude: really, you are acting so pathetic, why can't you grab your balls and act like a man that can make his own mind, and make his own decisions with confidence and character. At your age you should be able to just make your own decisions without cowering in fear of the repercussions of your decisions. Why do you have to fear anything your wife does. You seem to lose all bodily functions at just the thought of your wife's movements toward you. What gives? Are you that insecure with yourself?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> Dude: really, you are acting so pathetic, why can't you grasp your balls and act like a man that can make his own mind, and make his own decisions with confidence and character. At your age you should be able to just make your own decisions without cowering in fear of the repercussions of your decisions. Why do you have to fear anything your wife does. You seem to lose all bodily function at just the thought of your wife's movements toward you. What gives? Are you that insecure with yourself?


I know I know. She's probably toying with me anyway. I'm losing it.


----------



## farsidejunky

MrBigBoy said:


> Why would she want to do that?


While she may want out, she probably still carries guilt. To help reduce those feelings in her, she may desire to be friends or friendly with you. 

It isn't for your benefit, and is likely intended to help her feel a little better about blowing up her family. 

I don't know this for certain, obviously, but it sure looks that way from my purview. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky

MrBigBoy said:


> I know I know. She's probably toying with me anyway. I'm losing it.


It is easy to paint her as an arch enemy given the hurt she has caused you, but it likely isn't right.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## MrBigBoy

farsidejunky said:


> It is easy to paint her as an arch enemy given the hurt she has caused you, but it likely isn't right.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


What exactly are you saying?


----------



## Chuck71

BigBoy........ have you filed for D yet? She is playing games with you. When I wanted to save

my M nine years ago, I put up with it....for a very short time. During that time I laid footprints

to blow her world apart. Calculated, devastating, precise. Yes I still loved who she WAS, but not

who she IS, then. I shut down the games....She walked into every foxhole I set. The story is still

here, check it out.

You must take control of the situation / boundaries. She left you... she will lose a great guy, 

remember that. And that's on her. If she wants to go bye-bye, help her pack, just sign these

papers as you go. You can stop a D the morning of it being final....so FILE!

She is playing the long game chess match so lawyer up. Stop giving a damn about her and 

I promise she will start giving a damn about you. 

Either way.... FILE..... make it real. Then STAND STILL..... 

Watch what she does, NOT what she says

She will show you who she really is, and when she does, BELIEVE HER!


----------



## farsidejunky

MrBigBoy said:


> What exactly are you saying?


In other words, given the hurt she is laid upon you, it's easy to see her actions as toying with you or otherwise nefarious. And make no mistake, sometimes it can be that way. 

What I'm urging from you is caution. When you paint her as a villain, it makes it very easy to paint yourself as a victim. In some ways, this is necessary, at least early in this process, because it prompts action. However, continuing to do so will keep you a victim.

In other words, that you became a victim is not your fault...but remaining a victim is nobody's fault but your own.

Here is some reading that will help reinforce it.









The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Victim Triangle


By Lynne Forrest Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This ine…



www.lynneforrest.com






Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## MrBigBoy

farsidejunky said:


> In other words, given the hurt she is laid upon you, it's easy to see her actions as toying with you or otherwise nefarious. And make no mistake, sometimes it can be that way.
> 
> What I'm urging from you is caution. When you paint her as a villain, it makes it very easy to paint yourself as a victim. In some ways, this is necessary, at least early in this process, because it prompts action. However, continuing to do so will keep you a victim.
> 
> In other words, that you became a victim is not your fault...but remaining a victim is nobody's fault but your own.
> 
> Here is some reading that will help reinforce it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Victim Triangle
> 
> 
> By Lynne Forrest Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This ine…
> 
> 
> 
> www.lynneforrest.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I've come to terms that she may be afraid or even worse, in love with someone else. Maybe I neglected her, I don't know. It hurts but I love her enough to let her go if someone else made her happy.


----------



## Chuck71

Then read this thread......actually the 1st post sums it up.









Just Let Them Go


I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity. Just Let Them Go The end result? The end result is to respect yourself in the end...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------



## farsidejunky

MrBigBoy said:


> I've come to terms that she may be afraid or even worse, in love with someone else. Maybe I neglected her, I don't know. It hurts but I love her enough to let her go if someone else made her happy.


Maybe so. At this point, that mental exercise can become pain shopping of you obsess over it. 

Your approach to letting her go is a healthy one. 

Read the Lynne Forrest article. Try to recognize the behaviors associated with the drama triangle so you can recognize when you are in the midst of it. The hope is that eventually you will find your way to the center, where you no longer allow your feelings (which can often lie to us) to dictate your actions. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Then read this thread......actually the 1st post sums it up.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just Let Them Go
> 
> 
> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity. Just Let Them Go The end result? The end result is to respect yourself in the end...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.talkaboutmarriage.com


This was pretty dead on for me. It hurts a little, but dead on. I texted her after reading it and told her that if she was unsure about this marriage that it would be enough for me to move on. She hasn't responded yet, but she did move out, so that really says it all. If I had some support this wouldn't be so bad. You guys are all that I have. Thank you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

farsidejunky said:


> In other words, given the hurt she is laid upon you, it's easy to see her actions as toying with you or otherwise nefarious. And make no mistake, sometimes it can be that way.
> 
> What I'm urging from you is caution. When you paint her as a villain, it makes it very easy to paint yourself as a victim. In some ways, this is necessary, at least early in this process, because it prompts action. However, continuing to do so will keep you a victim.
> 
> In other words, that you became a victim is not your fault...but remaining a victim is nobody's fault but your own.
> 
> Here is some reading that will help reinforce it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Victim Triangle
> 
> 
> By Lynne Forrest Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This ine…
> 
> 
> 
> www.lynneforrest.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I started reading this(pretty interesting) and decided to wait until tonight to read it thoroughly. Going to dive into this tonight - thanks!


----------



## MrBigBoy

I got a call from a relative in another state, where my wife and I are from(I didn't answer the call-but she left a message that she wanted to see how I was doing-...?).This is a very nosey unfiltered relative. She is someone that I don't talk to often, and it's been about 2 years or so since I last talked to her. My wife is back home where we are from(working and may be in school) living with her mother. I'm thinking that my wife may be trying to be seen there(by my relatives) so I would get phone calls. I think she wants to shame me. My wife is very aware that I am very private. Any advice on how to deal with this?


----------



## Chuck71

Ignore the call........... you don't talk to her regularly, so dismiss it.

If she wants to know, she can call back-and go to VM again LOL


----------



## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> Maybe, or maybe she just wants me to get a look at her. This whole thing(on my end) is just about me not seeing her, at all.


What is she.... Medusa? 
Such that , anyone who gazes at Medusa turns to stone?

Go ahead and gaze and grin at her, thus, turning any of your residual feelings for her to stone.

Remember what those ancient Scots did to the English?
They turned around and pulled up their kilts and mooned them!

Shew er, yer arse!



_Lilith-_


----------



## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> I got a call from a relative in another state, where my wife and I are from(I didn't answer the call-but she left a message that she wanted to see how I was doing-...?).This is a very nosey unfiltered relative. She is someone that I don't talk to often, and it's been about 2 years or so since I last talked to her. My wife is back home where we are from(working and may be in school) living with her mother. I'm thinking that my wife may be trying to be seen there(by my relatives) so I would get phone calls. I think she wants to shame me. My wife is very aware that I am very private. Any advice on how to deal with this?


It may be what you fear, she and the ex- wife being curious.

Or, it may be this relative wanting to set you up with someone new.

The best thing you can do is answer these calls and let them know you are doing fantastic.
Be talkative and friendly, throw all of them off-guard.

Yes, you are dating and are enjoying being single and free.

This will get back to your ex. 



_Lilith-_


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> I got a call from a relative in another state, where my wife and I are from(I didn't answer the call-but she left a message that she wanted to see how I was doing-...?).This is a very nosey unfiltered relative. She is someone that I don't talk to often, and it's been about 2 years or so since I last talked to her. My wife is back home where we are from(working and may be in school) living with her mother. I'm thinking that my wife may be trying to be seen there(by my relatives) so I would get phone calls. I think she wants to shame me. My wife is very aware that I am very private. Any advice on how to deal with this?


You are not required to answer any questions from anyone. You are not required to answer your phone when it rings. Just ignore her. What is going on in your life is none of her business.


----------



## MrBigBoy

She(my "wife") agreed to meet my son at a nearby place instead of her coming to the house. They're gone. While she waited on my son(she called) we talked on the phone and she started talking louder and started talking over me. "Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen!" I warned her that I would end the call if she kept that. I told her to stop interrupting and talking over me. She kept doing it, so I told her that she could be bossy out there but she wont talk over me and hung up on her. I texted her back and told her that she will not talk over me. She simply texted back ["We're good."] I don't know what she's saying there, maybe calming herself down. 
I'm at the point where I just don't want to raise my voice or yell with her. Something is definitely wrong. It seems like her mission is to rattle me. To see if she can get or keep me out of position, so-to-speak.


----------



## farsidejunky

Don't bother analyzing. At this point, you know it will be from a position of what is best for her, so the why doesn't matter so much.

No contact (to the greatest extent possible) is your friend. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> This was pretty dead on for me. It hurts a little, but dead on. I texted her after reading it and told her that if she was unsure about this marriage that it would be enough for me to move on. She hasn't responded yet, but she did move out, so that really says it all. If I had some support this wouldn't be so bad. You guys are all that I have. Thank you.


Bud, it’s always actions over words. Many in your position will live on hopium. It’s normal but that mindset will keep you bound.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I got a call from a relative in another state, where my wife and I are from(I didn't answer the call-but she left a message that she wanted to see how I was doing-...?).This is a very nosey unfiltered relative. She is someone that I don't talk to often, and it's been about 2 years or so since I last talked to her. My wife is back home where we are from(working and may be in school) living with her mother. I'm thinking that my wife may be trying to be seen there(by my relatives) so I would get phone calls. I think she wants to shame me. My wife is very aware that I am very private. Any advice on how to deal with this?


Learning to ignore is a good thing. It’s not written anywhere that you owe anyone an explanation.
You are correct. Some just love drama and gossip.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> She(my "wife") agreed to meet my son at a nearby place instead of her coming to the house. They're gone. While she waited on my son(she called) we talked on the phone and she started talking louder and started talking over me. "Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen!" I warned her that I would end the call if she kept that. I told her to stop interrupting and talking over me. She kept doing it, so I told her that she could be bossy out there but she wont talk over me and hung up on her. I texted her back and told her that she will not talk over me. She simply texted back ["We're good."] I don't know what she's saying there, maybe calming herself down.
> I'm at the point where I just don't want to raise my voice or yell with her. Something is definitely wrong. It seems like her mission is to rattle me. To see if she can get or keep me out of position, so-to-speak.


Master no contact. Always ask yourself this. Is there a need? Most often if you take the time to think it over there isn’t. Contact just resets the clock.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Master no contact. Always ask yourself this. Is there a need? Most often if you take the time think it over there isn’t. Contact just resets the clock.


I am seeing this in action, thanks!


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I am seeing this in action, thanks!


A good friend of mine’s wife left him for her boss. They had two young girls at the time that were in grade school. Once he got over the initial shock. He started a very strict no contact. Communication was limited to text or email. Kids or divorce only. Pickups/drop offs were 2-3 minutes. The kids adjusted and he says under the circumstances it was the best action he’d taken. He’s civil but distant.

Of course like most she wanted to be friends, etc. like most of them do. This is solely for them. It helps them feel better in alleviating guilt. He also got. The do it for the children, etc. The reality was she never cared about how this would impact the kids. It was always about her.

It took awhile but he got to where he needed to be. No contact is up to you. No one else has any say about how you run your life. That’s totally up to you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> A good friend of mine’s wife left him for her boss. They had two young girls at the time that were in grade school. Once he got over the initial shock. He started a very strict no contact. Communication was limited to text or email. Kids or divorce only. Pickups/drop offs were 2-3 minutes. The kids adjusted and he says under the circumstances it was the best action he’d taken. He’s civil but distant.
> 
> Of course like most she wanted to be friends, etc. like most of them do. This is solely for them. It helps them feel better in alleviating guilt. He also got. The do it for the children, etc. The reality was she never cared about how this would impact the kids. It was always about her.
> 
> It took awhile but he got to where he needed to be. No contact is up to you. No one else has any say about how you run your life. That’s totally up to you.


Thanks for sharing that.


----------



## Indian_Nerd_Dad

MrBigBoy said:


> I am seeing this in action, thanks!


I think action is good -- one way or the other. Limbo land is bad. Right now, my wife is dragging me through annulment of my 19-year marriage. I realized the signs were all around me and I did not "really" see them for what they were and did not act on them earlier. If I had acted before the pandemic, maybe I could have changed course. 

So action is good. One way or another take one step forward. One step in a direction is better than status quo.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Thanks for sharing that.


It works. He’s engaged and is getting married in February 😎.

He traded way up.
He took his time @ 2 years or so and told me he didn’t have the time to date them all.
On a side note. No one wants an X in the mix.


----------



## Marc878

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I think action is good -- one way or the other. Limbo land is bad. Right now, my wife is dragging me through annulment of my 19-year marriage. I realized the signs were all around me and I did not "really" see them for what they were and did not act on them earlier. If I had acted before the pandemic, maybe I could have changed course.
> 
> So action is good. One way or another take one step forward. One step in a direction is better than status quo.


You’ll find like most. The only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself.


----------



## Chuck71

She is trying to make a pointless point. Forward with you and your children. Damn her.


----------



## Chuck71

OP........ so how'd Christmas go?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> OP........ so how'd Christmas go?


Lonely, quiet and alone. But I bought tickets(previously online) and took my son to our first NFL game the next day, Sunday. That was fun.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm hoping to move soon. After work when I come home I'm hoping not to run into my nosey neighbors(him or his wife). I get more anxiety from that than anything else right now, just thinking of them snooping. We're not that close, but he was nosey enough to ask me if we were separated when he called me pretending to be calling about something else.


----------



## Chuck71

And what concern does this have with you neighbor Bob? 

Have a great afternoon Bob!

Bye Bob!


----------



## Chuck71

I just read your older threads.... My D was very short /Nov-Feb '14/ and I dated around a lot

and had a live-in for parts of 2013-14. Wasn't exactly a wise decision but was a learning 

experience. I saw how people can bandage their self up really tight and hide all 'dem red flags.

But with everyone, they eventually fall off, one by three by nine. Then you see someone for whom

they are. My post-D live-in was asked to leave. Lil drama, was expected. Anyway.... for over

a year and half I just dated around, nothing serious. Have a few near misses but that's expected.

I had never lived alone until late '14.... commuted to college, pop died right around graduation and 

mom asked me to stick around awhile. I met XW about a year later. 1997-12 / post-D live in /

So there I was alone. It bothered me at first, just feeling weird. Until I realized.... I could watch 

MLB....in the bedroom.....turned up loud....at 1AM....with 80's metal blasting....sorting through

vintage baseball cards.....in my underwear.....while eating lasagna..... run into town to meet

a friend after midnight, just to "shoot the schit," .... etc. It wasn't long before I fiercely protected

that freedom. Yes I had FWB....yes they stayed over some.....yes they tried to mark their 

territory but I wasn't exactly quick to respond. Given they knew about the FWB tag.

It would take a certain person, to make me willingly give up that freedom to gain something

else. Yes I met her in '17 but we never appeared serious until maybe.... a year in. 

Well....almost five years in, four years after her meltdown (see my last thread). Doing great,

have each other's back, can talk civil and she can talk deep....very introspective. Never met

a female who could do that. Moral of this is.... with her gone, try to enjoy your time alone, make it 

YOUR time. Give it six months and you will love it. And take the time to repair your relations with

your son. Be his dad, not his friend.... he stays home, you have ground rules. ENFORCE them.

If you read every single post I ever made here, you could see, my relationship with pop was very 

volatile. There was pop and an updated version of pop (me). We clashed but one thing was certain,

when he said this is how it goes, by God he meant it. And nine times outta ten, he was spot on.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> I just read your older threads.... My D was very short /Nov-Feb '14/ and I dated around a lot
> 
> and had a live-in for parts of 2013-14. Wasn't exactly a wise decision but was a learning
> 
> experience. I saw how people can bandage their self up really tight and hide all 'dem red flags.
> 
> But with everyone, they eventually fall off, one by three by nine. Then you see someone for whom
> 
> they are. My post-D live-in was asked to leave. Lil drama, was expected. Anyway.... for over
> 
> a year and half I just dated around, nothing serious. Have a few near misses but that's expected.
> 
> I had never lived alone until late '14.... commuted to college, pop died right around graduation and
> 
> mom asked me to stick around awhile. I met XW about a year later. 1997-12 / post-D live in /
> 
> So there I was alone. It bothered me at first, just feeling weird. Until I realized.... I could watch
> 
> MLB....in the bedroom.....turned up loud....at 1AM....with 80's metal blasting....sorting through
> 
> vintage baseball cards.....in my underwear.....while eating lasagna..... run into town to meet
> 
> a friend after midnight, just to "shoot the schit," .... etc. It wasn't long before I fiercely protected
> 
> that freedom. Yes I had FWB....yes they stayed over some.....yes they tried to mark their
> 
> territory but I wasn't exactly quick to respond. Given they knew about the FWB tag.
> 
> It would take a certain person, to make me willingly give up that freedom to gain something
> 
> else. Yes I met her in '17 but we never appeared serious until maybe.... a year in.
> 
> Well....almost five years in, four years after her meltdown (see my last thread). Doing great,
> 
> have each other's back, can talk civil and she can talk deep....very introspective. Never met
> 
> a female who could do that. Moral of this is.... with her gone, try to enjoy your time alone, make it
> 
> YOUR time. Give it six months and you will love it. And take the time to repair your relations with
> 
> your son. Be his dad, not his friend.... he stays home, you have ground rules. ENFORCE them.
> 
> If you read every single post I ever made here, you could see, my relationship with pop was very
> 
> volatile. There was pop and an updated version of pop (me). We clashed but one thing was certain,
> 
> when he said this is how it goes, by God he meant it. And nine times outta ten, he was spot on.


Thank you for this.


----------



## Chuck71

Now......... what is your plan going forward?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Now......... what is your plan going forward?


Joining a karate class. I've canceled talking on the phone with my "wife." Text or email only, unless it's an emergency. Figuring out how to reach my son and forming a healthy relationship with him. Learning and accepting my position or status in this world and if I want better, improving who I am and my status. Accepting companionship only from women that compliment me, or if it's just physical then I'll move on quickly afterwards. I want to focus on getting into better shape(physically, financially and spiritually) and opening up more options in the dating world. I'm also thinking about picking my guitar up again with the intention of joining a group, primarily for the comradery. So that's on my plan list for now.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm thinking that my "wife" wants to keep my last name. Just my thoughts. I'm trying to think of all the possible benefits to her doing this.


----------



## jlg07

it's probably just so she doesn't have to go through the hassle of doing a name change for everything -- drivers license, accounts, etc..
If you feel strongly for her to NOT do that, then talk with your lawyer.


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm thinking that my "wife" wants to keep my last name. Just my thoughts. I'm trying to think of all the possible benefits to her doing this.


Did she say she wants to keep the last name? Currently it is also her last name. When she took your name, it became her name. I'm not sure you can force someone to change their name, especially after so many years. She's been a your last name longer than she had her maiden name.
What difference does it make to you?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Cynthia said:


> Did she say she wants to keep the last name? Currently it is also her last name. When she took your name, it became her name. I'm not sure you can force someone to change their name, especially after so many years. She's been a your last name longer than she had her maiden name.
> What difference does it make to you?


Its not a major issue, but I'm seeing a lot of women divorcing but keeping the husband's name. It's like they're getting some satisfaction of just saying that they are or were married. Also was just wondering if they are gaining some type of benefits from keeping it.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Its not a major issue, but I'm seeing a lot of women divorcing but keeping the husband's name. It's like they're getting some satisfaction of just saying that they are or were married. Also was just wondering if they are gaining some type of benefits from keeping it.


It's mostly because that's what they have been known as for so long and the thousands of dollars and time they would have to spend fixing it.
Plus the number of people who would ask about the name change. 
I don't believe most are that attached to a married name.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> just wondering if they are gaining some type of benefits from keeping it.


If there are kids, the mother may want to keep the last name so as to match that of her children


----------



## Cynthia

If women should change back to their maiden name after divorce, should they also change back if their husband dies?
Men don't usually change their surname, so maybe it's hard to understand that a name belongs to the person who took the name, not to the person who "gave" it. I wouldn't change my name unless I wanted to. I have been associated with this last name for almost 40 years. I wouldn't let anyone make me change it. But that's just me.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Cynthia said:


> If women should change back to their maiden name after divorce, should they also change back if their husband dies?
> Men don't usually change their surname, so maybe it's hard to understand that a name belongs to the person who took the name, not to the person who "gave" it. I wouldn't change my name unless I wanted to. I have been associated with this last name for almost 40 years. I wouldn't let anyone make me change it. But that's just me.


If a woman decides to leave a man biblically unlawfully she should leave that man, name and any inheritance.


----------



## Openminded

I didn’t want to keep my married name after our divorce although I had had it for 45 years. Many women, however, do want to keep their married name for various reasons — usually because of their children or because they like the name better than their original name or because that’s how others know them in the community or because of the inconvenience of legally changing it back (and it definitely is an inconvenience) or because of some other reason that’s personal to her. Maybe she’ll change her mind or maybe she won’t but for every person like me, who couldn’t wait to be free of a cheater’s name, there are many others who find it easier just to keep it.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> I didn’t want to keep my married name after our divorce although I had had it for 45 years. Many women, however, do want to keep their married name for various reasons — usually because of their children or because they like the name better than their original name or because that’s how others know them in the community or because of the inconvenience of legally changing it back (and it definitely is an inconvenience) or because of some other reason that’s personal to her. Maybe she’ll change her mind or maybe she won’t but for every person like me, who couldn’t wait to be free of a cheater’s name, there are many others who find it easier just to keep it.


hmm


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> If a woman decides to leave a man biblically unlawfully she should leave that man, name and any inheritance.


Interesting. I have not heard this before. Can you give me New Testament references for this? You do realize that we are no longer under the law - yes? Furthermore, I don't know where, in all of scripture, that changing one's surname is mentioned. Can you point me to those passages, please?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Cynthia said:


> Interesting. I have not heard this before. Can you give me New Testament references for this? You do realize that we are no longer under the law - yes? Furthermore, I don't know where, in all of scripture, that changing one's surname is mentioned. Can you point me to those passages, please?


Matt 5:19 ; 1 John 5:3, Matt 5:17(come not to abolish=not to end; but to fulfill the sacrificial law). And lastly Revelations 2:20.


----------



## MrBigBoy

MrBigBoy said:


> Matt 5:19 ; 1 John 5:3, Matt 5:17(come not to abolish=not to end; but to fulfill the sacrificial law). And lastly Revelations 2:20.


Psalms 40:8, John 14:15...


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Matt 5:19 ; 1 John 5:3, Matt 5:17(come not to abolish=not to end; but to fulfill the sacrificial law). And lastly Revelations 2:20.


Matthew 5:19 - Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

1 John 5:3 - For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.

Matthew 5:17 - Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.

Rev 2:20 - Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols.



MrBigBoy said:


> Psalms 40:8, John 14:15...


Psalms 40:8 - I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart.

John 14:15 - If ye love me, keep my commandments.


Are you just picking random Bible passages? None of them mention anything about surnames, inheritance, etc. I'm not sure I've ever even seen a last name used in the Bible. It is Western Culture that has popularized the wife taking the husband's name. I know you are hurting, but this isn't the answer.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Matthew 5:19 - Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
> 
> 1 John 5:3 - For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
> 
> Matthew 5:17 - Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.
> 
> Rev 2:20 - Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols.
> 
> 
> Psalms 40:8 - I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart.
> 
> John 14:15 - If ye love me, keep my commandments.
> 
> 
> Are you just picking random Bible passages? None of them mention anything about surnames, inheritance, etc. I'm not sure I've ever even seen a last name used in the Bible. It is Western Culture that has popularized the wife taking the husband's name. I know you are hurting, but this isn't the answer.


I didn't want to get into this but I was proving that the law is not done away with.


----------



## Affaircare

MrBigBoy said:


> Its not a major issue, but I'm seeing a lot of women divorcing but keeping the husband's name. It's like they're getting some satisfaction of just saying that they are or were married. Also was just wondering if they are gaining some type of benefits from keeping it.


My exH was the one who cheated and chose to not stop, but when we divorced I kept his last name. It wasn't because of some type of "benefit" but rather because my children had his last name and I thought it would be confusing to have a household with two different last names. So they were Son1 "Last Name" and Son2 "Last Name" and I was Cindy "Last Name" all one household. 

I also thought I was no longer the person I was when I had my maiden name (under my father's household), and in fact I had been married to the person who was my exH and I had had that last name for a decade and a half. Soooo...I didn't choose to change it and just left it as is. It did NOT mean I wanted to be his family or claim anything of his (including association with him)--I just felt like that last name fit me after so long and since that was also the last name given to my children.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Affaircare said:


> My exH was the one who cheated and chose to not stop, but when we divorced I kept his last name. It wasn't because of some type of "benefit" but rather because my children had his last name and I thought it would be confusing to have a household with two different last names. So they were Son1 "Last Name" and Son2 "Last Name" and I was Cindy "Last Name" all one household.
> 
> I also thought I was no longer the person I was when I had my maiden name (under my father's household), and in fact I had been married to the person who was my exH and I had had that last name for a decade and a half. Soooo...I didn't choose to change it and just left it as is. It did NOT mean I wanted to be his family or claim anything of his (including association with him)--I just felt like that last name fit me after so long and since that was also the last name given to my children.


I could play the devil's advocate here. The children didn't leave(divorce) their father, you did. You left his family. Divorce is breaking a covenant under GOD. For better or for worse.


----------



## Affaircare

MrBigBoy said:


> I could play the devil's advocate here. The children didn't leave(divorce) their father, you did. You left his family. Divorce is breaking a covenant under GOD. For better or for worse.


Before you quote a bunch of verses at me, HE was the one who cheated on me. I worked at trying to reconcile for nearly a year, during which time he continued to cheat. After a year, for one final time I asked him to end it with his mistress and work on our marriage, and he very literally refused to do so. So no, I did not leave him or his family--he left ME and OUR FAMILY. 

After we divorced, and to this day, I am still friendly with his extended family (brothers and sisters, nephews and neices, etc.) because I was not the one who left them. We stayed civil and all agreed that we cared for one another and would treat each other kindly. 

So since HE broke this covenant before God, and HE left our family for a mistress...I should take another last name and confuse our elementary school aged children and make them explain why their mom's last name is different than theirs? Or make them explain why he chose to no longer live at home? 

Here's an idea--how about if you come down off your high horse and stop spouting rhetoric in the name of "christianity" and instead apply some of what God actually meant: that we should LOVE one another (not "a feeling"...an "action"), give thanks for every circumstance in life, and live a godly life. The fact that my exH chose to break the covenant of marriage and live in an ungodly way does not mean we all have to change last names.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Affaircare said:


> Before you quote a bunch of verses at me, HE was the one who cheated on me. I worked at trying to reconcile for nearly a year, during which time he continued to cheat. After a year, for one final time I asked him to end it with his mistress and work on our marriage, and he very literally refused to do so. So no, I did not leave him or his family--he left ME and OUR FAMILY.
> 
> After we divorced, and to this day, I am still friendly with his extended family (brothers and sisters, nephews and neices, etc.) because I was not the one who left them. We stayed civil and all agreed that we cared for one another and would treat each other kindly.
> 
> So since HE broke this covenant before God, and HE left our family for a mistress...I should take another last name and confuse our elementary school aged children and make them explain why their mom's last name is different than theirs? Or make them explain why he chose to no longer live at home?
> 
> Here's an idea--how about if you come down off your high horse and stop spouting rhetoric in the name of "christianity" and instead apply some of what God actually meant: that we should LOVE one another (not "a feeling"...an "action"), give thanks for every circumstance in life, and live a godly life. The fact that my exH chose to break the covenant of marriage and live in an ungodly way does not mean we all have to change last names.


I wasn't quoting verses at you. I was proving that the law is not done away with. One's sins does not justify another's sin. According to scripture he's still your husband.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I don't want to talk about this anymore.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> I wasn't quoting verses at you.* I was proving that the law is not done away with. One's sins does not justify another's sin.* According to scripture he's still your husband.



The only thing that you're proving is that you're one of those that hide behind religious mumbo-jumbled to justify your excuses.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> The only thing that you're proving is that you're one of those that hide behind religious mumbo-jumbled to justify your excuses.


You're right. Any who...


----------



## seadoug105

Rob_1 said:


> The only thing that you're proving is that you're one of those that hide behind religious mumbo-jumbled to justify your excuses.


Or…

He is one of those people that feels severely wronged and is searching for anything to validate how he feels. …something to bring him justice, or what he perceives to be justice.

M.B.B. seems like an over all good dude but as most on TAM know, this kind of hurt is very hard to deal with; and sometimes that causes people to say/do things that are callus and hurtful to those that are trying to help (ref his response to Affaircare)…. He realizes it, that’s evident in his desire to drop the subject

I‘ve seen it enough to take it with a grain of salt. The sad part is when someone is so callus in their desire for justice they can’t see the forest through the trees. Then a member or two gets sick of it and the roasting begins…. (more so on SI, but happens on TAM too)

just sayin…


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm sorry. I really hate where I am. I'm sorry for being rude. Its like I'm in a bad dream, a bad movie. I have to find things to help me from just giving up. Its like I've been in the "Matrix" and can't deal with this real crap. What I thought I had was probably not even real if she did this.


----------



## seadoug105

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm sorry. I really hate where I am. I'm sorry for being rude. Its like I'm in a bad dream, a bad movie. I have to find things to help me from just giving up. Its like I've been in the "Matrix" and can't deal with this real crap. What I thought I had was probably not even real if she did this.


Focus on what you know IS real and what you can control…. And choosing to walk away, go full 180, drive the Divorce process, so that you can reset and find what truly makes _*YOU*_ happy, is taking control.


----------



## MrBigBoy

seadoug105 said:


> Focus on what you know IS real and what you can control…. And choosing to walk away, go full 180, drive the Divorce process, so that you can reset and find what truly makes _*YOU*_ happy, is taking control.


I'm trying. It's hard for the one that was abandoned, because she was what made me happy.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm trying. It's hard for the one that was abandoned, *because she was what made me happy.*


And there lay in the root of your problems. No one should exclusively be the source of your happiness. Happiness starts within oneself. Those that are happy within themselves can cope with the unhappiness of one's partner leaving us. It may be hard and painful to experience it, but it can't and never should be the end of all things; that's counter to one's existence well being.

Those that can't find happiness within themselves can never be truly happy regardless of what is received from others. Instead of playing the Mary Magdalene martyr, you should be looking within yourself to try to pinpoint the root of your inability to cope with the beak down of your marriage to be able to move forward with dignity and self respect, knowing that it's not the end of the world and that a new beginning is out there waiting for you.


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> I didn't want to get into this but I was proving that the law is not done away with.


I’m not going to get into a big theological discussion with you, but I do think it’s important to point out that no one said the law was "done away with." I said, "We are no longer under the law." This is because Jesus fulfilled the law.

Romans 6:14 NASB 14 For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law, but under grace.

On this point, I think it may help you to move forward if you are not trying to live by a law, but to live by relationship with Jesus Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to guide and help you. Trying to force something on your wife, like a name change, isn’t going to make you feel any better. What will make you feel better is focusing on your own personal growth and healing from this difficult circumstance.

Honestly, I’m sorry that your wife has broken your heart. It’s like the death of a loved one. You want her back, but she’s gone. The only way to be happy again is to move forward and stop looking back. You have a lot of life left to live. Stop using it to dwell on ways to control your wife. I think you are looking for something that you do have control over, but this name change thing isn’t it. What is under your control is how you respond to what is happening and how to plan for your future.

Grasping at straws on a topic that you are basically making up, because there is no biblical foundation for your conclusions, is only going to make you feel less powerful and more stuck in despair. I recommend you spend time daily praying, not for certain things to happen, but for knowledge, understanding, wisdom, courage, and strength. Also, spend time reading the Bible and maybe memorizing some encouraging passages that speak to what is currently happening in your life.


----------



## Chuck71

OP..........separate who she WAS (past tense)

notice who she IS (present tense)

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Hang in there, it will get better.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Cynthia said:


> I’m not going to get into a big theological discussion with you, but I do think it’s important to point out that no one said the law was "done away with." I said, "We are no longer under the law." This is because Jesus fulfilled the law.
> 
> Romans 6:14 NASB 14 For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law, but under grace.
> 
> On this point, I think it may help you to move forward if you are not trying to live by a law, but to live by relationship with Jesus Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to guide and help you. Trying to force something on your wife, like a name change, isn’t going to make you feel any better. What will make you feel better is focusing on your own personal growth and healing from this difficult circumstance.
> 
> Honestly, I’m sorry that your wife has broken your heart. It’s like the death of a loved one. You want her back, but she’s gone. The only way to be happy again is to move forward and stop looking back. You have a lot of life left to live. Stop using it to dwell on ways to control your wife. I think you are looking for something that you do have control over, but this name change thing isn’t it. What is under your control is how you respond to what is happening and how to plan for your future.
> 
> Grasping at straws on a topic that you are basically making up, because there is no biblical foundation for your conclusions, is only going to make you feel less powerful and more stuck in despair. I recommend you spend time daily praying, not for certain things to happen, but for knowledge, understanding, wisdom, courage, and strength. Also, spend time reading the Bible and maybe memorizing some encouraging passages that speak to what is currently happening in your life.


I agree I should move forward, thanks. I really agree. But you do have a warped understanding of the bible. 2 Peter 3:16.


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> I agree I should move forward, thanks. I really agree. But you do have a warped understanding of the bible. 2 Peter 3:16.


The thing is, you have clearly distorted the scripture, yet you are accusing me of distorting scripture. I'm going to drop out. Arguing with a fool is a complete waste of time and energy.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Cynthia said:


> The thing is, you have clearly distorted the scripture, yet you are accusing me of distorting scripture. I'm going to drop out. Arguing with a fool is a complete waste of time and energy.


Gesundheit!


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> OP..........separate who she WAS (past tense)
> 
> notice who she IS (present tense)
> 
> Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
> 
> Hang in there, it will get better.


Would it be stupid to ask her what we are doing, divorcing or taking time off? I'm in the process of buying a smaller home that I can retire in later in my future. But that decision would change if we are going to work this out. I'm not sure what to do here.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> Would it be stupid to ask her what we are doing, divorcing or taking time off?


Dude: are you for real, or are you just lacking in the upstairs as far as comprehension? read what you wrote in your original OP:



MrBigBoy said:


> My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce)


After everything that everyone has been telling you, you seems to be either more obstinated than a mule, or you're just a pathetic sick man who can't and won't take a hint.

I'll put it to you simply, so that you don't have to second guess about decisions that you seem incapable of making:
IT DOESN"T REALLY MATTERS WHAT'S HER PLAN. SHE LEFT YOU. The only thing for you to do is to FILE FOR DIVORCE. THERE..GET IT????


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Would it be stupid to ask her what we are doing, divorcing or taking time off? I'm in the process of buying a smaller home that I can retire in later in my future. But that decision would change if we are going to work this out. I'm not sure what to do here.


You aren't getting it, are you?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Would it be stupid to ask her what we are doing, divorcing or taking time off? I'm in the process of buying a smaller home that I can retire in later in my future. But that decision would change if we are going to work this out. I'm not sure what to do here.


The whole decision of the relationship is in your hands. 
Why would you need her permission to do anything about how you live your life?
How much work has she done to show that she is sorry and is working on making changes in order to salvage the relationship?
You can always buy a nanny-suite for her, if she ends up back in your life.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> Would it be stupid to ask her what we are doing, divorcing or taking time off? I'm in the process of buying a smaller home that I can retire in later in my future. But that decision would change if we are going to work this out. I'm not sure what to do here.


a
She is attempting to jack you over. Ask her and she will reveal the plan.

She is attempting to harm you; at her betterment.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> a
> She is attempting to jack you over. Ask her and she will reveal the plan.
> 
> She is attempting to harm you; at her betterment.


Thanks. I'm just concerned if I should just flat out ask her? Whether she's looking for attention, playing games, trying to manipulate me or seriously wants out I should just move on without her? She's knows that I'm very analytical and strategic with my life.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> The whole decision of the relationship is in your hands.
> Why would you need her permission to do anything about how you live your life?
> How much work has she done to show that she is sorry and is working on making changes in order to salvage the relationship?
> You can always buy a nanny-suite for her, if she ends up back in your life.


I understand and I agree. But there is one thing that is making me want to take slow calculated steps. She has been committed and devoted to this relationship more years than not, so I want to be careful.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> You aren't getting it, are you?


I get it, just allowing her a grace period.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I understand and I agree. But there is one thing that is making me want to take slow calculated steps. She has been committed and devoted to this relationship more years than not, so I want to be careful.


The only thing I would do, if you are considering giving her a chance, is setting strict conditions that she must meet in order for you to be willing to reconcile.

You might want to ask, if this your consideration, for suggestions of the conditions she must meet. I suggest going through with the divorce, because she needs to be rebuked in an unquestionable way. . If she is willing to meet your conditions, you can then reconcile and remarry her. But she must prove herself.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> I understand and I agree. But there is one thing that is making me want to take slow calculated steps. She has been committed and devoted to this relationship more years than not, so I want to be careful.



And you think that she actually is going to tell you what really is her plan, if she doesn't have concrete plans? You must have been out touch with women for a long time if you think that she will lay it all out for you to see. If she's done and there's not doubt in her mind and she has had all of her ducks in a row, then she will without a doubt tell you like it is (and still she might not). If she's not quite sure of her end game. she will string you along with little crumbs, here and there while you foolishly keep yourself in hopium. Dude, she's way, way, ahead of you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> The only thing I would do, if you are considering giving her a chance, is setting strict conditions that she must meet in order for you to be willing to reconcile.
> 
> You might want to ask, if this your consideration, for suggestions of the conditions she must meet. I suggest going through with the divorce, because she needs to be rebuked in an unquestionable way. . If she is willing to meet your conditions, you can then reconcile and remarry her. But she must prove herself.


Ok. She may want to just move on, but if she did want to work things out you're saying divorce her anyway and start over with my conditions?


----------



## TurnedTurtle

Don't hold up progress in your own life by waiting for something that (most likely) will never happen. Move ahead with action!


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> And you think that she actually is going to tell you what really is her plan, if she doesn't have concrete plans? You must have been out touch with women for a long time if you think that she will lay it all out for you to see. If she's done and there's not doubt in her mind and she has had all of her ducks in a row, then she will without a doubt tell you like it is (and still she might not). If she's not quite sure of her end game. she will string you along with little crumbs, here and there while you foolishly keep yourself in hopium. Dude, she's way, way, ahead of you.


I understand your point. That's what I was thinking, that if she's done she'd just tell me, maybe. I figured it was worth it to ask. Also, I wanted to get a feel to see if she was stringing me along.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TurnedTurtle said:


> Don't hold up progress in your own life by waiting for something that (most likely) will never happen. Move ahead with action!


Yeah I'm going to move forward with a few things, but there are a couple of things I'm trying to be sure of before I do.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Ok. She may want to just move on, but if she did want to work things out you're saying divorce her anyway and start over with my conditions?


Yes.
Since your desire seems to be reconciliation, I'm suggesting how to go about it. It is risky, because she is free after the divorce. However, the alternative is to stay married and have no respect from the wife.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Yes.
> Since your desire seems to be reconciliation, I'm suggesting how to go about it. It is risky, because she is free after the divorce. However, the alternative is to stay married and have no respect from the wife.


I'd never do that. I'm just going through a phase, I think. I have to get over what I thought was going to be my future(with her). I was all in, so it will take some time.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I start a class next week that I signed up for at a local college, night classes(just something to help increase my work income). I've decided on Karate also, but still looking for a school. I have very low self esteem and confidence.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I start a class next week that I signed up for at a local college, night classes(just something to help increase my work income). I've decided on Karate also, but still looking for a school. I have very low self esteem and confidence.


We know about your self esteem. It's been kind of leaking all across this thread.
Good for you for getting out of the house. Getting busy will help you establish between you and the STBX. 
Give you some perspective of whether or not you really need her that much.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> We know about your self esteem. It's been kind of leaking all across this thread.
> Good for you for getting out of the house. Getting busy will help you establish between you and the STBX.
> Give you some perspective of whether or not you really need her that much.


Its just hard when you have no one. I don't have family or friends.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Its just hard when you have no one. I don't have family or friends.


I know where you're coming. I'm not the type of guy to have a cornucopia of options, but I've learned that you are better off alone than being alone within a relationship.
But you still have to be a man about it and be willing to leave when your wife when she is not treating you as a husband.
When a woman does not treat her man like a husband, it's because she is getting exploratory to see if she has options so she can leave you.
Either way, you end up alone. You can either lead a personally fulfilling life in that solitude or you can suffer the indignity of being alone within the marriage, while she is exploring her options to leave anyway.
You're at an age where you have far more options than you used to. By default of having been married, you are a more attractive option to women than when you were a single young man. Men who have been married are considered options in the dating world. You've been domesticated, somewhat, so you aren't as much work to your next woman.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> I know where you're coming. I'm not the type of guy to have a cornucopia of options, but I've learned that you are better off alone than being alone within a relationship.
> But you still have to be a man about it and be willing to leave when your wife when she is not treating you as a husband.
> When a woman does not treat her man like a husband, it's because she is getting exploratory to see if she has options so she can leave you.
> Either way, you end up alone. You can either lead a personally fulfilling life in that solitude or you can suffer the indignity of being alone within the marriage, while she is exploring her options to leave anyway.
> You're at an age where you have far more options than you used to. By default of having been married, you are a more attractive option to women than when you were a single young man. Men who have been married are considered options in the dating world. You've been domesticated, somewhat, so you aren't as much work to your next woman.


Reading this does give me a little hope. But it just feels odd and wrong being out alone, alone without her especially. I know it'll take time.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I understand your point. That's what I was thinking, that if she's done she'd just tell me, maybe. I figured it was worth it to ask. Also, I wanted to get a feel to see if she was stringing me along.


It’s always actions over words.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> It’s always actions over words.


I'm slowly learning this.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I think about the song "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen a lot. I'm too scared to actually listen to it but I think about it.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I think about the song "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen a lot. I'm too scared to actually listen to it but I think about it.


Compare “by yourself” to “with someone you can’t trust”.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Compare “by yourself” to “with someone you can’t trust”.


Yeah. Lol... I'm remembering how she used to hibernate in the bedroom leaving me alone in the living room for hours, every night. On the phone with her mother. I used to sit on the phone in the living room(while she was in the bedroom on the phone for hours) with my brother and he would tell me how sorry he was for me. Man that was bad. When she did sit in the living room(other end of the couch) her face would be buried in her tablet. When I tried showing affection, I'd always hear, "Stop!" "No!" "Don't touch me!" "I'm supposed to be aroused by that?" Damn.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah. Lol... I'm remembering how she used to hibernate in the bedroom leaving me alone in the living room for hours, every night. On the phone with her mother. I used to sit on the phone in the living room(while she was in the bedroom on the phone for hours) with my brother and he would tell me how sorry he was for me. Man that was bad. When she did sit in the living room(other end of the couch) her face would be buried in her tablet. When I tried showing affection, I'd always hear, "Stop!" "No!" "Don't touch me!" "I'm supposed to be aroused by that?" Damn.


A hopium addiction can be very strong. Your life is up to you. No one else. Don’t be your own worst enemy.


----------



## Marc878

If a marriage is worthless to your spouse there isn’t a thing you can do. Wasting your life on a worthless endeavor is up to you. You’re the one who has to live it.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Reading this does give me a little hope. But it just feels odd and wrong being out alone, alone without her especially. I know it'll take time.


This is just habit -- you are USED to going out with her. Look, I am not saying 100% gone from her, but you need to focus on YOUR life now, not her. She will have to make her own decisions. Do things now to improve YOU, improve YOUR life, get hobbies (your Karate is a good start), workout, learn to do something new (cook, paint, play the drums, whatever).

YOU can't control her at all -- you control how you react to her, but SHE should no longer be your primary (or even secondary) focus.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> This is just habit -- you are USED to going out with her. Look, I am not saying 100% gone from her, but you need to focus on YOUR life now, not her. She will have to make her own decisions. Do things now to improve YOU, improve YOUR life, get hobbies (your Karate is a good start), workout, learn to do something new (cook, paint, play the drums, whatever).
> 
> YOU can't control her at all -- you control how you react to her, but SHE should no longer be your primary (or even secondary) focus.


I understand. I really understand, just have to put what I'm hearing and what I understand into action a little quicker. I don't want this to kill me. It just feels so bad. I feel so depressed where ever I go. 
Note: I am losing weight and exercising in the morning before work. I plan to go to the mall and buy new clothes, and hopefully interact with others while there. During my lunch break yesterday I stopped at a jewelry store. I used to buy my wife jewelry but never for myself.


----------



## Chuck71

OP.... the way your W has been, refusing any type of advance you made on her..... should

tell you how she feels. Why would she want to R? Maybe if she goes out and test drives

a few guys and it doesn't work out. But as it was...she couldn't stand being around you. Then

make her happy and wish her well, say bye-bye and move on with your life. Because she will

only realize she misses you, when you're not there for her. In that time.... improve yourself.

Own every single POS tendency you have....and fix them. It will be a win-win for you. 1-She 

notices the new and improved you and she is attracted to it or 2-She doesn't wish to be with

you still but you have improved yourself for your next relationship. But MrBB... I feel like

you're looking for something that's "not really there." Working on your Co-D is vital. A healthy

female can sniff out a Co-D male a mile away. Unfortunately so can a Co-D female.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I understand. I really understand, just have to put what I'm hearing and what I understand into action a little quicker. I don't want this to kill me. It just feels so bad. I feel so depressed where ever I go.
> Note: I am losing weight and exercising in the morning before work. I plan to go to the mall and buy new clothes, and hopefully interact with others while there. During my lunch break yesterday I stopped at a jewelry store. I used to buy my wife jewelry but never for myself.


Great -- you are taking the baby steps that before long will be giant strides in your life. You will get better.... (and yeah, I know it sucks, but you need time to process all this stuff...)


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> OP.... the way your W has been, refusing any type of advance you made on her..... should
> 
> tell you how she feels. Why would she want to R? Maybe if she goes out and test drives
> 
> a few guys and it doesn't work out. But as it was...she couldn't stand being around you. Then
> 
> make her happy and wish her well, say bye-bye and move on with your life. Because she will
> 
> only realize she misses you, when you're not there for her. In that time.... improve yourself.
> 
> Own every single POS tendency you have....and fix them. It will be a win-win for you. 1-She
> 
> notices the new and improved you and she is attracted to it or 2-She doesn't wish to be with
> 
> you still but you have improved yourself for your next relationship. But MrBB... I feel like
> 
> you're looking for something that's "not really there." Working on your Co-D is vital. A healthy
> 
> female can sniff out a Co-D male a mile away. Unfortunately so can a Co-D female.


Thanks Chuck, I'm trying. I'm not going to give up.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> Great -- you are taking the baby steps that before long will be giant strides in your life. You will get better.... (and yeah, I know it sucks, but you need time to process all this stuff...)


Yeah, a lot of baby steps.


----------



## Just-Jennfer

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce) around the end of November of this year 2021. A few days ago she bought a storage unit and she's there now putting a few things into it. Even with the warning I feel like a deer in headlights. I know I know. I took her out to eat 1-2 days a week for the last few months hoping it would help make things better for us. I had hope. I mean things are bad sometimes but what marriage is 100% flawless? My son is out living with his friends, he just couldn't respect my rules(no marijuana, help around the house, etc.). I have no family or friends in this state. My closest relative over powers me with constant preaching(phone). My closest friend drinks daily and is always medicated with Vino(wine), this is how he deals with his passing wife(phone). I really don't know what's going to happen to me. My job(I'm the owner) is strenuous. And my wife used to relief some of that pressure with the paperwork. No son, no, with, no friends or family. I've never been alone. I have a slight cast of social anxiety.


So sorry your goin through this i am going through similar situation its so sad


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just-Jennfer said:


> So sorry your goin through this i am going through similar situation its so sad


How long have you been married? Your husband left you?


----------



## Just-Jennfer

Been together for 17 years married 5 
Yes he left he wouldnt get the help ptsd tjem physcosis its complex and messy but yes he left and made his choice 

I tried mamy times to help him but now i have to safegaurd our children and myself


----------



## MrBigBoy

How long has he been dealing with those issues?


----------



## Just-Jennfer

Around 3 years


----------



## Marc878

Just-Jennfer said:


> Been together for 17 years married 5
> Yes he left he wouldnt get the help ptsd tjem physcosis its complex and messy but yes he left and made his choice
> 
> I tried mamy times to help him but now i have to safegaurd our children and myself


Yes, save yourself first. You can’t fix him anyway. He’d have to do that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just-Jennfer said:


> Around 3 years


Dealing with the issues that you mentioned is the reason behind him leaving you? Did you think it was best for him to leave?


----------



## Just-Jennfer

MrBigBoy said:


> Dealing with the issues that you mentioned is the reason behind him leaving you? Did you think it was best for him to leave?


Not completely its super complex 

Death threats amoungst him believing my children cannot die and then him saying we are all going to be skinned alive ect..

I had him sectioned twice and he was realesed both times with meds he refuses them once he is out and doesnt believe he has a illness he believes his is all the delusions 

I can only do so much 

I must put the safety of the children and me 1st as we have no family should anything happen to me the children would be put onto care homes


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just-Jennfer said:


> Not completely its super complex
> 
> Death threats amoungst him believing my children cannot die and then him saying we are all going to be skinned alive ect..
> 
> I had him sectioned twice and he was realesed both times with meds he refuses them once he is out and doesnt believe he has a illness he believes his is all the delusions
> 
> I can only do so much
> 
> I must put the safety of the children and me 1st as we have no family should anything happen to me the children would be put onto care homes


Sounds pretty serious. Was his income the primary source of income for the family? What are your plans going forward?


----------



## MrBigBoy

_*The Motel Room*_
I didn't go far but I bought a motel room and stayed out all night until Sunday morning. My son figured I visited and slept over at my brother's. I told him no, and left it at that. My son and my "wife" assumes that I have no life, and they're right, but I switched it up a little that night. 

_*The Photos*_
My "wife" went to clean up at our vacant place that we own together. She found a disposable camera and got it developed(20 year old family pics). She told me and asked if I wanted copies. I told her no. I told her that she can keep them and that I wasn't interested. I was but I told her that I wasn't. I'm really mentally working on moving on. She sent them anyway. A couple of pics of me. And pics of our 22 year old son when he was about 1 year and our daughter was about 8 years old. Our daughter is a married college grad now. My 22 year old son(college dropout) lives with me. These pics did show how much I love/loved our son. I think he doubts that I love him. He was in my arms in all my pics, even when I was playing a video game, lol. Cool. And it showed my daughter under me like I was her Superman. 

_*The Cousin*_
I talked on the phone with my "wife's" cousin. Her cousin makes custom company apparel for me. She's about our age. My "wife" kind of hinted that she didn't like the idea of me still working with her, even though it's just over the phone. Well turns out the cousin was under the impression that my "wife" was only visiting her mother for a few weeks to help her get situated into her new place. I sorta let the cat out of the bag, maybe on purpose. I told her that she left. Why? Well my family is aware that my "wife" left and it's embarrassing. My "wife" used to preach to her family as though she has the perfect marriage, the cousin later explained to me. The cousin told me that my "wife," her cousin, told her to go back to her husband. But she didn't because her husband was physically abusive. They later divorced. I really don't like the idea that I'm feeling embarrassed and she's(there) acting like she has the perfect marriage. I figured we both should feel the shame, not just me.


----------



## Chuck71

Open the curtains and let the sunshine in on everything.

Do you like to read? I was lost one day, I was waiting on my D to be final....I was lost because 

I do not use GPS....I went into a urologist's office and asked for directions. One girl was VERY 

receptive in helping me. I called the next day to thank her. Again receptive. We exchanged #s.

She became my post-D g/f. Lasted a bit over 18 months. Learned a lot from it.

Good move on just getting out-of-town. Be unpredictable, suspicious. Care-free.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Open the curtains and let the sunshine in on everything.
> 
> Do you like to read? I was lost one day, I was waiting on my D to be final....I was lost because
> 
> I do not use GPS....I went into a urologist's office and asked for directions. One girl was VERY
> 
> receptive in helping me. I called the next day to thank her. Again receptive. We exchanged #s.
> 
> She became my post-D g/f. Lasted a bit over 18 months. Learned a lot from it.
> 
> Good move on just getting out-of-town. Be unpredictable, suspicious. Care-free.


Yeah, I try to do the simple things like making up my bed and opening the curtains, etc. I learned that from my brother when his wife left. He said that cleaning up and making up his bed kept him focus and he'd know something was wrong the moment he stopped making his bed. His wife returned after 1 year. But I do all the small things to keep focus, dishes, cleaning up, cooking,... I open all blinds in the house when I'm home. 

I just finished reading The Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. I have a few others; Divorce Care by Steve Grissom, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy by Jayme Albin , You and Stress by Lynette Evans, Rebuilding by Dr. Bruce Fisher. 

I plan to get out and meet people, just have to work on my anxiety. And I have to work on that "I was abandoned" look. 

Yeah, my son was totally confused by me coming home the next morning. "How was uncle blah blah?" he asked, and continued with a follow up question, "Oh, you were there right?" he asked looking at me like it was obvious but he needed to hear it verbally from me. "No, I wasn't at my brother's," I said and walked right past my son and into my bedroom.


----------



## Chuck71

Try Married Man Sex Life Primer (not a sex book)
Hold on to your NUTS
Co-dependent no more
Awareness
Abolition of Man
...all are on pdf

Letting the sunshine in... as in telling others the truth about the separation.


----------



## Marc878

It’s ok to ignore at this point. If you can’t cut the contact you’ll keep yourself in this. No one has that power over you unless you allow it.
She left so there’s no reason to keep it a secret.

What you do or where you go is no one’s business.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Try Married Man Sex Life Primer (not a sex book)
> Hold on to your NUTS
> Co-dependent no more
> Awareness
> Abolition of Man
> ...all are on pdf
> 
> Letting the sunshine in... as in telling others the truth about the separation.


Oh, so I should tell everyone,...even my nosey neighbor?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> It’s ok to ignore at this point. If you can’t cut the contact you’ll keep yourself in this. No one has that power over you unless you allow it.
> She left so there’s no reassurance to keep it a secret.
> 
> What you do or where you go is no one’s business.


She kept it from her family. But she managed to run into my family and allowed them to figure it out.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Try Married Man Sex Life Primer (not a sex book)
> Hold on to your NUTS
> Co-dependent no more
> Awareness
> Abolition of Man
> ...all are on pdf
> 
> Letting the sunshine in... as in telling others the truth about the separation.


The Married Man Sex Life Primer appears to be a book for couples. I'm no longer with my "wife."


----------



## MrBigBoy

MrBigBoy said:


> The Married Man Sex Life Primer appears to be a book for couples. I'm no longer with my "wife."


I think this book would have been great for me about 6 years ago. But the more reviews I read it may be good for me after all.


----------



## Marc878

Have you read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover? It’s a free pdf download and has helped many. It’s short.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Oh, so I should tell everyone,...even my nosey neighbor?


I would explain what’s up to family and friends at least. It will probably get you some support. F the neighbor.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> The Married Man Sex Life Primer appears to be a book for couples. I'm no longer with my "wife."


Correct! I've been on these boards going on ten years. What was I thinking...!


----------



## Evinrude58

Mr Bb
Your wife has left you.
You should divorce her and move on with your life. Don’t ask permission. Don’t stay on Hopium as Marc878 says. Don’t waste your life waiting on someone that treats you like garbage. 
I know it’s hard to switch gears and move in from someone that’s been there so long, but she’s gone and it’s extremely rare they ever come back. But realize even if she did, she’d still treat you like crap. It would just be worse.

Do your karate thing. Get divorced. Start dating. Your wife thinks so little of you. She likely thinks you are incapable of finding someone else. Prove her wrong.

No contact is really hard, but you should strive for that to the point of giving yourself a high five for every day you do it.

Why have you not seen an attorney and filed for divorce? Hanging around in limbo is NOT a good way to live, and you know that’s what you’re doing. Get divorced and be a single man. You will likely come to enjoy being a single man more than you think.

As long as you allow your wife to use you as a option, that is all you’ll ever be— an option.
Get divorced. Make yourself a priority for some beautiful woman and as you slowly become indifferent to your wife, enjoy all the attempts to befriend you and possibly even win you back attempts she may make. Maybe not, but you’ll be with someone new and have a better life and you just don’t care either way.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> I think this book would have been great for me about 6 years ago. But the more reviews I read it may be good for me after all.


I didn't see why the book was recommended to you, but I suggest you still read it. I think it is a great book for all men in my opinion. It provides a lot of insight into more than just sex and focuses on you and your actions. It is a self improvement book more than a couples book. Follow it and you will be a better you and be more prepared for a future relationship. It may also give you some insight into how things may have gone wrong in marriage. It is a easy read and well worth it.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Have you read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover? It’s a free pdf download and has helped many. It’s short.


I haven't but I will, thanks.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I haven't but I will, thanks.


It’s a free pdf file. It Should help you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

_*My Son*_
My son slightly opened up yesterday, not completely, but he gave me some idea of what he's dealing with. 
Being alone(without family) in his future seems to be the primary issue. I was never really really close to my extended family(but I did grow up with them, the good and the bad) and after my parents and 2 close sisters passed away I've been pretty much away from everyone else, excluding my brother. I have other sisters but the relationship wasn't good or that close. My brother is the only one my son truly knows and has really been around. I've always had social anxiety issues. My son is the youngest and has only 1 sister, and she's away and married. He has a few friends, but he appears to only like being around this one guy that's a druggie. He hasn't out right said it but I think he's upset with me because I isolated him, us from everyone else.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> It’s a free pdf file. It Should help you.


Thanks Marc


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Thanks Marc


When you start helping yourself things will get better. Make that your new mission.

You will find your wife was a want. Not a need.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm not sure how you guys are socially. But I feel a little awkward, socially. I do realize that I depended on my "wife" to help with this. I felt she was more socially acceptable. I grew up very close to my brother. We were together every day until I met my "wife." I've never spent a lot of time alone, and I've always felt socially awkward but at the same time I have been told to be the life of the group(funny, charismatic, etc.). It was odd hearing these things.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm not sure how you guys are socially. But I feel a little awkward, socially. I do realize that I depended on my "wife" to help with this. I felt she was more socially acceptable. I grew up very close to my brother. We were together every day until I met my "wife." I've never spent a lot of time alone, and I've always felt socially awkward but at the same time I have been told to be the life of the group(funny, charismatic, etc.). It was odd hearing these things.


One thing I've learned is thar you can fake it and nobody knows that you're faking it. 

There are things you can do, like take public speaking courses. I can't fill a stadium, but I can speak before a few dozen people without a problem.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> One thing I've learned is thar you can fake it and nobody knows that you're faking it.
> 
> There are things you can do, like take public speaking courses. I can't fill a stadium, but I can speak before a few dozen people without a problem.


A public speaking class, I will look into this. Thanks. I have to keep reminding myself that we all have things that we are dealing with. When I see happy people I instantly assume they have no issues. And then I feel worse, lol. Yeah, you're right. I have to work on my "faking it until I get it" more.


----------



## Chuck71

When I was waiting on my D to be final, anytime I went into a store, EVERYBODY was with

someone and they were as happy as could be. It's actually not the case.... your mind is playing

tricks on you. Check out a book store.... or a meet-up group online.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm not sure how you guys are socially. But I feel a little awkward, socially. I do realize that I depended on my "wife" to help with this. I felt she was more socially acceptable. I grew up very close to my brother. We were together every day until I met my "wife." I've never spent a lot of time alone, and I've always felt socially awkward but at the same time I have been told to be the life of the group(funny, charismatic, etc.). It was odd hearing these things.


Anything can be learned. If you want to be a victim you will. If you don’t you won’t..
It’s just a mindset.


----------



## Evinrude58

Every town has a Charitable fraternity of men where help is freely given, lessons in life are taught, and confidence and friendships with good men are guaranteed. They never ask you to join their fraternity, but if a member is asked by you, will help you apply. You should consider asking a brother mason for a petition.
I think it would be of great benefit to you.


----------



## Just-Jennfer

MrBigBoy said:


> Sounds pretty serious. Was his income the primary source of income for the family? What are your plans going forward?


It was but now we are a single parent family and I have a little saved but main income now comes from state benefits


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just-Jennfer said:


> It was but now we are a single parent family and I have a little saved but main income now comes from state benefits


You stayed with him even though you knew he needed help. What you did was Godly(1 Peter 3:1). Sounds like you were willing to work with him through the process. I hope he gets help. You have sons, daughters? The bible says a good wife is rare and a gift. Proverbs 31:10; Proverbs 18:22.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I start my (8 week)class tonight. 6-9pm. I think this is actually my first step in working on myself since she left me. I want to work on being around others and raising my financial income. But not just for the money, but for the feeling of being independent. I have to do this for me and for my son. 

I'm eating but the weight is falling off. I didn't believe the scale so I went around the house looking for things to weigh to check the scale. My brother once lost a lot of weight, but become a diabetic after gaining it back too quickly. I want to lose the weight for health reasons, but also hoping to gain confidence. 

I really appreciate this board and you guys(and women) for talking to me. In my heart I really feel that I am the only one that has gone(and going) through this. But in my head I know that I'm not. Just a lonely place. 100% Mobil Avenue. And, even at this point, I am aware that it could get worse before it gets better. But I'm going to fake it until I don't have to. And try to really understand that there's beauty in suffering(James 1:2-4).


----------



## Marc878

Perfect time to get into a healthy diet routine. It matters.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Perfect time to get into a healthy diet routine. It matters.


Yeah, I plan to work on that. I'm not a vegetarian, but I may consider taking beef off the menu, or at least minimize the consumption.


----------



## MrBigBoy

The class was cool. I met a few new people, it was cool. I was at a table with a guy my age and a younger female. I was a little nervous and I can tell for a sec that they saw that, but they and I talked right through it. We talked a little after class. Cool.


----------



## MrBigBoy

But I think she wants our country farm home. We bought it years ago(in both of our names). But we left it years ago. I bought 2 more locations but just under my name as a business investment. One is commercial, the other is a residential home but is listed as light commercial zoning. So I planned to use it for a business and not a resident. These 2 are in my name only. She mentioned that we could talk tomorrow about the home if I can have a rational conversation. She did mention that she thought it would be wise if I lived in the residential home that is also zoned light commercial and not the farm home. But she wouldn't go into a full conversation and said we could talk later. I was heading into class anyway.


----------



## MrBigBoy

My brother thinks I should just let her have it.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah, I plan to work on that. I'm not a vegetarian, but I may consider taking beef off the menu, or at least minimize the consumption.


Get some books on plant based diets.
Not necessarily vegetarian, just one that has a plants as a base.
You still need some animal protein to protect your brain.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> My brother thinks I should just let her have it.


Is not a matter of who should have what or not. Just because you have those properties in your name only, it doesn't means that she doesn't have a legal right to it also. 
Lawyer up, lawyer up. Get a lawyer's professional evaluation as to what is what, then you can start making decisions about who gets what.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> My brother thinks I should just let her have it.


If you owned them before the marriage, they are yours.
If you acquired after the marriage, you only her half the equity.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

MrBigBoy said:


> I don
> 
> I do have a slight case of undiagnosed social anxiety. Any tips on how to get over that or could you recommend a book or something?


Be bold step out of your comfort zone.


----------



## MrBigBoy

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Be bold step out of your comfort zone.


This really is the answer?


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> If you owned them before the marriage, they are yours.
> If you acquired after the marriage, you only her half the equity.


I bought them during the marriage. I think she may be negotiating. She takes our main home and I keep what I bought.


----------



## MrBigBoy

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Be bold step out of your comfort zone.


Going to the grocery store and class tonight was/is out of my comfort zone.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Every now and again I feel inadequate. I'm feeling that way tonight.


----------



## MrBigBoy

My brother argues with me because I wont listen to him preach. I usually end up just hanging up on him. He wont stop. I keep asking him to just talk to me. He's been through this twice.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Every now and again I feel inadequate. I'm feeling that way tonight.


It’ll pass if you work at it. All good things take time and effort.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> My brother argues with me because I wont listen to him preach. I usually end up just hanging up on him. He wont stop. I keep asking him to just talk to me. He's been through this twice.


You need to be listening to a good divorce attorney. Quit wasting your time.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> My brother thinks I should just let her have it.


Do you have a good attorney?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> This really is the answer?


It doesn't mean you get on stage and dance.
It means that you go a bit farther out than you're used to and maintain your position until you are comfortable.
Then you push yourself a bit farther out from that and maintain your position.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I bought them during the marriage. I think she may be negotiating. She takes our main home and I keep what I bought.


If you bought them during the marriage, the standard position is splitting the equity.
That means buying her out out, if you want them both, or allowing her to have one and have her pay the difference.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> The class was cool. I met a few new people, it was cool. I was at a table with a guy my age and a younger female. I was a little nervous and I can tell for a sec that they saw that, but they and I talked right through it. We talked a little after class. Cool.


Was this a public speaking class???


----------



## Beach123

MrBigBoy said:


> I bought them during the marriage. I think she may be negotiating. She takes our main home and I keep what I bought.


Don’t agree to one single thing without consulting an attorney and have a complete understanding of your rights.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> Was this a public speaking class???


no, business


----------



## jlg07

Great -- a good first step out of your comfort zone!
Also, DON'T agree with ANYTHING about property/assets without a lawyer.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> It doesn't mean you get on stage and dance.
> It means that you go a bit farther out than you're used to and maintain your position until you are comfortable.
> Then you push yourself a bit farther out from that and maintain your position.


For someone like me what I'm seeking is abnormal. I've always relied on the 21 day rule to creating a habit, but how long would you think is reasonable for this task of feeling "normal" as a single person?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> For someone like me what I'm seeking is abnormal. I've always relied on the 21 day rule to creating a habit, but how long would you think is reasonable for this task of feeling "normal" as a single person?


It varies with the person.
However, at 21 days/ habit, you can have 18 good habits developed each year.
I suggest for some habits, you take longer because there is more to know.
The diet that you want to do will probably take 6 months before you're knowledgeable enough to do it without too much help.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Anxiety?*
I'm beginning to feel more like my life is not building up to anything anymore but hanging on a thread. I'm suffering with my accounts receivables. And I have bills piling. It seems like everywhere I turn, "Pay me!" I'm still trying to clean up the mess my "wife" left with the billing.

*My Son*
My son appears to be addicted to video gaming, should I be concerned with that right now? He stays in his room gaming all day. He'll come out to do a few chores, but then right back at it.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> It varies with the person.
> However, at 21 days/ habit, you can have 18 good habits developed in that time.
> I suggest for some habits, you take longer because there is more to know.
> The diet that you want to do will probably take 6 months before you're knowledgeable enough to do it without too much help.


That makes sense. I've always been a pretty big eater, due to being so active. But I failed to increase my food intake when I became less active and older. I had to re create what I considered normal rations. I really just don't know how to eat properly for health and fitness. My doctor said he eats Yogurt for breakfast. I can't understand how that can be considered breakfast.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> That makes sense. I've always been a pretty big eater, due to being so active. But I failed to increase my food intake when I became less active and older. I had to re create what I considered normal rations. I really just don't know how to eat properly for health and fitness. My doctor said he eats Yogurt for breakfast. I can't understand how that can be considered breakfast.


I can tell you that protein is the first priority, to ensure that you can build muscle mass.
After that, the rest of the calories can come from fats and carbohydrates.
Basically, the ratio is 20% protein, 20% fat, and 60 carbohydrates.
But don't worry about getting it perfect. You'll more than likely consume enough of everything without measuring everything to the microgram.
The body has a built-in genius that ensures you're properly nutritioned, as long as you ensure a wide variety of diet.
You can add a daily multi-vitamin pill for insurance.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I take vitamins. Multi, D3, Zinc, testosterone boosters, niacin and sometimes b12


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> *Anxiety?*
> I'm beginning to feel more like my life is not building up to anything anymore but hanging on a thread. I'm suffering with my accounts receivables. And I have bills piling. It seems like everywhere I turn, "Pay me!" I'm still trying to clean up the mess my "wife" left with the billing.
> 
> *My Son*
> My son appears to be addicted to video gaming, should I be concerned with that right now? He stays in his room gaming all day. He'll come out to do a few chores, but then right back at it.


You’re an enabler. Your son should be out earning a living. Isn’t he 20 or so? He’ll be 40 and still in your basement at this rate. Deal with one problem at a time I’d say.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> You’re an enabler. Your son should be out earning a living. Isn’t he 20 or so? He’ll be 40 and still in your basement at this rate. Deal with one problem at a time I’d say.


22


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> 22


Tell him that you are giving him three years to graduate from something useful and then he's on his own.
You will help him bridge his gaps, but he has to be serious because three years is not a long time in real life. 
He should have been on his own already and I mean that with respect.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Tell him that you are giving him three years to graduate from something useful and then he's on his own.
> You will help him bridge his gaps, but he has to be serious because three years is not a long time in real life.
> He should have been on his own already and I mean that with respect.


I like this, thanks. This is fair.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*My Son*
My son kind of got a little out of control yesterday. I had to called the cops again. 
He's gaming all day(everyday) when we're not working, which I stay out of his way as long as he does the required chores around the house. Yesterday he got upset and said he was sick after I asked him to run to the grocery store to pick up 3 or 4 things(snow was coming later that night). But I noticed he's "sick" when asked to do something. So I told him he'd have to stop the gaming if he's not going to do anything to help around the house. I gave him an ultimatum(go to the store and continue gaming when he gets back or stop gaming and I go). He cursed, punched 3 holes in the walls and left out but forgot my card. He was out longer than he should have been. He brought back half of what I asked for and kind of what I wanted. When he returned(pissed), he found his game system gone. I put it up. While he was gone is when I actually saw the holes in the walls. He cursed and started moving things around in his room like he was going to break something, I eventually called the cops. They talked to him for about 45 mins. and left afterwards. He went to his room. We didn't talk after that. 
This morning he was outside in the snow with our dog. And later today I saw my game system(I don't play much at all) gone. It sits in our living room. He had it and I told him to put it back and he demanded his system back before he would. I told him that's not going to happen and to put my system back or gather his things and leave. Not after cursing and putting holes in the walls. I'm just looking for any thoughts on this.


----------



## Rob_1

Dude: you need to kick him out. I understand that you lack the courage to do it, but believe me, he needs to be able to fend for himself, otherwise, all you're doing is making another good for nothing individual in this world.


----------



## Just-Jennfer

MrBigBoy said:


> You stayed with him even though you knew he needed help. What you did was Godly(1 Peter 3:1). Sounds like you were willing to work with him through the process. I hope he gets help. You have sons, daughters? The bible says a good wife is rare and a gift. Proverbs 31:10; Proverbs 18:22.


Yes we have 4 children 
I tried everything thank you for your kind words


----------



## Just-Jennfer

MrBigBoy said:


> I start my (8 week)class tonight. 6-9pm. I think this is actually my first step in working on myself since she left me. I want to work on being around others and raising my financial income. But not just for the money, but for the feeling of being independent. I have to do this for me and for my son.
> 
> I'm eating but the weight is falling off. I didn't believe the scale so I went around the house looking for things to weigh to check the scale. My brother once lost a lot of weight, but become a diabetic after gaining it back too quickly. I want to lose the weight for health reasons, but also hoping to gain confidence.
> 
> I really appreciate this board and you guys(and women) for talking to me. In my heart I really feel that I am the only one that has gone(and going) through this. But in my head I know that I'm not. Just a lonely place. 100% Mobil Avenue. And, even at this point, I am aware that it could get worse before it gets better. But I'm going to fake it until I don't have to. And try to really understand that there's beauty in suffering(James 1:2-4).


Bless your heart 
Sounds like your doing all the right things and a healthy way of thinking in moving faward and looking to the future. 

1 Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just-Jennfer said:


> Bless your heart
> Sounds like your doing all the right things and a healthy way of thinking in moving faward and looking to the future.
> 
> 1 Peter 5:10
> And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.


Wow, I really needed that verse, thank you.


----------



## Just-Jennfer

Maybe it would be a good idea to put boundaries in place.( gaming times maybe ? )
Like gaming is okay but too much isn't productive and doesn't help anyone in the long run. 
Maybe set times for the gaming and set times for the chores. Not sure if he works or goes to school but just a idea. 
Too much of anything isn't good and could be addictive. Seems maybe he might already have that addiction to gaming or starting too as he lost his temper when it was taken away. That's a bit of red flag.( loosing temper ) setting and sticking to the boundaries can be challenging especially at first but they help everyone in the end respect each other love each other better 

Not sure if this helps hope you are able to put some healthy boundaries in place for your son and he might just thank you for it and be more productive with his time. Good luck 👍


----------



## Just-Jennfer

MrBigBoy said:


> Wow, I really needed that verse, thank you.


You welcome 
The Lord knows what we need and works it to his will 
🙂


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just-Jennfer said:


> Maybe it would be a good idea to put boundaries in place.( gaming times maybe ? )
> Like gaming is okay but too much isn't productive and doesn't help anyone in the long run.
> Maybe set times for the gaming and set times for the chores. Not sure if he works or goes to school but just a idea.
> Too much of anything isn't good and could be addictive. Seems maybe he might already have that addiction to gaming or starting too as he lost his temper when it was taken away. That's a bit of red flag.( loosing temper ) setting and sticking to the boundaries can be challenging especially at first but they help everyone in the end respect each other love each other better
> 
> Not sure if this helps hope you are able to put some healthy boundaries in place for your son and he might just thank you for it and be more productive with his time. Good luck 👍


Everything you mentioned is pretty much on point, thanks. I agree, I just have to create and stick with a plan. He was diagnosed with Copying Skills issue, so I have to get more information on how to communicate with him with that in mind I guess.


----------



## Just-Jennfer

MrBigBoy said:


> Everything you mentioned is pretty much on point, thanks. I agree, I just have to create and stick with a plan. He was diagnosed with Copying Skills issue, so I have to get more information on how to communicate with him with that in mind I guess.


I guess take it a day at a time and pray for wisdom 
Good luck I hope you gain the insight and wisdom needed 🙏

James 1:5 
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.


----------



## Marc878

Why would you put up with that kind of behavior? Period.

He’s doing what he knows he can get by with. It should be your house your rules.

Maybe you should look inward. Why would he disrespect you like this?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> *My Son*
> My son kind of got a little out of control yesterday. I had to called the cops again.
> He's gaming all day(everyday) when we're not working, which I stay out of his way as long as he does the required chores around the house. Yesterday he got upset and said he was sick after I asked him to run to the grocery store to pick up 3 or 4 things(snow was coming later that night). But I noticed he's "sick" when asked to do something. So I told him he'd have to stop the gaming if he's not going to do anything to help around the house. I gave him an ultimatum(go to the store and continue gaming when he gets back or stop gaming and I go). He cursed, punched 3 holes in the walls and left out but forgot my card. He was out longer than he should have been. He brought back half of what I asked for and kind of what I wanted. When he returned(pissed), he found his game system gone. I put it up. While he was gone is when I actually saw the holes in the walls. He cursed and started moving things around in his room like he was going to break something, I eventually called the cops. They talked to him for about 45 mins. and left afterwards. He went to his room. We didn't talk after that.
> This morning he was outside in the snow with our dog. And later today I saw my game system(I don't play much at all) gone. It sits in our living room. He had it and I told him to put it back and he demanded his system back before he would. I told him that's not going to happen and to put my system back or gather his things and leave. Not after cursing and putting holes in the walls. I'm just looking for any thoughts on this.


That's one of the consequences of weak parenting, spoiled children. Maintain your ground, because that is the only way he has hope of changing. 

Did you tell him he's got three years?


----------



## Marc878

Kids learn most from their parents.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Hi Bigboy. Your situation seems like a nightmare, and worse situation when you have mental illnesses on top. I have severe anxiety, and suffering isolation, became agoraphobic so I find it harder to cope, say than a person without mental illnesses. Shame your son is 22 years old and acts like a spoilt brat. Have read through as much as I could before I go to sleep, and can't see if your son works or not. Is he suffering anxiety, mental illnesses also? Could you sit down with him, or plan a day doing something you both like doing outside the house. Tell him you love your son and want the best for him. Let him know you need more help and support, and how you can both actually help each other, grow together. Sounds like he needs to get his anger under control, as one day he could actually hurt a person. To try get him away from so much gaming, maybe ask what you two could do together to have fun outdoors. Get him to go anger management classes and go with him. Your happy will eventually come back and you will become stronger. Good you have joined some sports classes. Would your son go along with you? My son is 18 and a gamer but he's a good lad, but he also has anxiety, he's quite shy and I'm helping him build his confidence up. A year from now I hope things have improved for your son and yourself. He needs to learn he can't punch holes in walls when he can't get his own way. Talk calmly with him, explain why and he needs to understand he has to stop doing that. He is obviously frustrated so find out what is causing his frustration and talk about how it can be proved, and he needs to talk to you more when he is frustrated. Sorry for long post haha. Had my sleeping tablet and probably won't remember I typed this out tomorrow. Wishing you the best and hope all goes well this day forward.


----------



## Chuck71

OP......... it seems you are more depending on his reaction, than he is yours.

Just think about those dynamics for a bit


----------



## Marc878

In seeking the easy way out you’ll find there isn’t one.


----------



## Rob_1

Marc878 said:


> In seeking the easy way out you’ll find there isn’t one.


Why do you think he's were he is? why do you think his wife left him? why do you think that the son shows no respect?
Why do you think he hides behind Bible verses?


----------



## Marc878

OP, your life is going to be what you make it. It really is that simple.

Your son is 22 years old. He’s an adult and from what you’ve posted a spoiled man child. Obviously he’s learned that from where?

He acts up and instead of you standing up to him you call the police to solve your problems.

He beats holes in the walls of your home and hides your stuff and has no consequences. Why?

You want to give him 3 more years to figure things out? Why? And how is he supposed to learn anything in this environment?

Your biggest problem is you. Sounds like conflict avoidance. You are making your life harder than it needs to be.

Laying in the victim chair is going to get you more of what you’ve gotten.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*My Son*

Thank you all.

Well things got a little better, then worse. After we settled down for the night I asked him to come into the living room. I explained that he was aware of his diagnosis and that we needed to work on it. I explained that I would do what I have to do and not what I wanted anymore. And that we will both have to work together. I told him that I loved him.

Later, I got out of my bed and walked into the living room. And he had my game system again. I started asking why it was in his room, he just yelled, "Just take it!" And he added, "I want my **** back! This is ****ed up. I paid $600 for that ****!" I calmly told him that he can not curse in my house. "**** that ****! You don't own this house! You're renting!" I just took my system.

In bed I could hear a lot of noise in his bedroom. And then I smelled something weird, like gas. But then I could smell marijuana. I went to his room and told him to get it out of my house. He just grinned and denied it. He jumped up and said, "Do you know what I could do to you?" He took his hand like he was holding a knife and tapped me twice quickly in my side and twice on my neck like he was stabbing me. He slammed my office chair on the floor that he had in his room after I told him to pick it up. While getting back into his bed he said, "I could be swimming in your blood."
I called the cops. He made threats while I waited for the cops. He said he'd throw the weights into my 50 gallon aquarium(tropical fish) if he had to leave.

The first officer was a woman, then a man and woman team showed up and later another male totaling 4 officers. The first woman officer talked with my son(alone in his room) and after about 25 minutes she said the paramedics were on the way to take him because he told her that sometimes he didn't want to live.

The paramedics came and talked to him alone for about 10 mins and came out to take him in. One of the paramedics stayed alone to talk to me. She asked me a few questions about him. If he's ever talked about seeing things. I told her not really. But then I eventually asked her to tell me what she thought(her personal "off record" thoughts), and she said that she thinks that he may be suffering with schizophrenia and bi-polar. I then told her that he did once or twice mentioned regularly seeing a lot of shooting stars, but I sorta ignore him. So he is gone.

Whatever is wrong with him it's obvious that the drugs are making him worse.

I took a grocery bag into his room and searched for anything drug or weapon related. I ended up needing 3 bags total. I found vaping sticks, pot bowls, 3 packs of marijuana, lighters, bullets, shot gun shells, knives,...


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Why would you put up with that kind of behavior? Period.
> 
> He’s doing what he knows he can get by with. It should be your house your rules.
> 
> Maybe you should look inward. Why would he disrespect you like this?


I agree with you. I know I have to have rules. My guess: #1. His mother taught him this #2. I'm not standing up as a man #3. He may really have issues


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> That's one of the consequences of weak parenting, spoiled children. Maintain your ground, because that is the only way he has hope of changing.
> 
> Did you tell him he's got three years?


I was going to discuss the 3 years tomorrow.


----------



## MrBigBoy

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Hi Bigboy. Your situation seems like a nightmare, and worse situation when you have mental illnesses on top. I have severe anxiety, and suffering isolation, became agoraphobic so I find it harder to cope, say than a person without mental illnesses. Shame your son is 22 years old and acts like a spoilt brat. Have read through as much as I could before I go to sleep, and can't see if your son works or not. Is he suffering anxiety, mental illnesses also? Could you sit down with him, or plan a day doing something you both like doing outside the house. Tell him you love your son and want the best for him. Let him know you need more help and support, and how you can both actually help each other, grow together. Sounds like he needs to get his anger under control, as one day he could actually hurt a person. To try get him away from so much gaming, maybe ask what you two could do together to have fun outdoors. Get him to go anger management classes and go with him. Your happy will eventually come back and you will become stronger. Good you have joined some sports classes. Would your son go along with you? My son is 18 and a gamer but he's a good lad, but he also has anxiety, he's quite shy and I'm helping him build his confidence up. A year from now I hope things have improved for your son and yourself. He needs to learn he can't punch holes in walls when he can't get his own way. Talk calmly with him, explain why and he needs to understand he has to stop doing that. He is obviously frustrated so find out what is causing his frustration and talk about how it can be proved, and he needs to talk to you more when he is frustrated. Sorry for long post haha. Had my sleeping tablet and probably won't remember I typed this out tomorrow. Wishing you the best and hope all goes well this day forward.


Thanks. I do things with him, yes. But he just seems to not understand how to balance going from fun back to responsibility. We go fishing, golfing etc. Just recently I took him to a Falcon's football game.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> OP......... it seems you are more depending on his reaction, than he is yours.
> 
> Just think about those dynamics for a bit


Could you expound on this please?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> Why do you think he's were he is? why do you think his wife left him? why do you think that the son shows no respect?
> Why do you think he hides behind Bible verses?


I don't hide behind bible verses, I rely on them for proper guidance.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> OP, your life is going to be what you make it. It really is that simple.
> 
> Your son is 22 years old. He’s an adult and from what you’ve posted a spoiled man child. Obviously he’s learned that from where?
> 
> He acts up and instead of you standing up to him you call the police to solve your problems.
> 
> He beats holes in the walls of your home and hides your stuff and has no consequences. Why?
> 
> You want to give him 3 more years to figure things out? Why? And how is he supposed to learn anything in this environment?
> 
> Your biggest problem is you. Sounds like conflict avoidance. You are making your life harder than it needs to be.
> 
> Laying in the victim chair is going to get you more of what you’ve gotten.


I agree with you Marc. I'm dealing with a lot at one time. My wife left me, my brother wont talk to me as a brother(only preaches), I have no one other than my son. And now he's gone.


----------



## Indian_Nerd_Dad

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm dealing with a lot at one time. My wife left me, my brother wont talk to me as a brother(only preaches), I have no one other than my son. And now he's gone.


Yes, you are definitely dealing with a lot and having some trusted friend or family to help you out would be great. Unfortunately, it sounds like you don't have anyone around. Are there any good colleagues or friends from work that can give you some support? 

I have a comparable situation -- I am a 1st generation immigrant and have no family in the country with very few friends who live 1000-miles away. My wife is dragging me through divorce (after 20-year marriage) my 17-year old daughter is stonewalling me. So I am pretty alone trying to figure things out and make best choices for both short and long term. I got a bit lucky and I am leaning on a couple of older colleagues (I am 47 and my colleagues are 70, and 80) for advice and support. 

I suggest that you scout out someone you can lean on during these tough times.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Yes, you are definitely dealing with a lot and having some trusted friend or family to help you out would be great. Unfortunately, it sounds like you don't have anyone around. Are there any good colleagues or friends from work that can give you some support?
> 
> I have a comparable situation -- I am a 1st generation immigrant and have no family in the country with very few friends who live 1000-miles away. My wife is dragging me through divorce (after 20-year marriage) my 17-year old daughter is stonewalling me. So I am pretty alone trying to figure things out and make best choices for both short and long term. I got a bit lucky and I am leaning on a couple of older colleagues (I am 47 and my colleagues are 70, and 80) for advice and support.
> 
> I suggest that you scout out someone you can lean on during these tough times.


I met a few people(2 guys) at a church. I call them from time to time for advice. But I don't call much, I don't want to burden anyone. So I just sit here at home alone.

I work for myself and I work alone, no one wants to work anymore. Hard to keep help. 

How long have you been in the States and why did your wife leave you?


----------



## MrBigBoy

I called my "wife" last night, no answer. She called me back this morning, a few minutes ago. After about 6 minutes we're arguing. I warned her to stop and eventually hung the phone up on her. On the phone I tried to explain what was going on and I told her that they took our son and that I hope he gets help. Well she blamed me. She wants me to think that the devil is in me causing him to act out. I asked her to explain and that I was willing to listen but then she just never tells me anything that would support what she's saying. If I'm doing something wrong I'm willing to listen, but it really appears that she may be unknowingly trying to manipulate me. I repeated my stand, that I place rules and those rules have to be respected. 
She later texted for a few minutes.


----------



## Indian_Nerd_Dad

MrBigBoy said:


> How long have you been in the States and why did your wife leave you?


I have been in the states most of my adult life -- about 26-years. My wife is leaving me because we lost our connections (emotional and physical) due to unsaid issues from parenting issues. They really started with my STBX's son from her 1st marriage became a teenager and those issues spilled over to our daughter -- I felt disrespected, disconnected, and disregarded which caused me to shutdown connection with my wife. It is not just me, even my wife's parents (who life 1/2 mile from us) complain about this issue of feeling disconnected. I don't know why I did not correctly address this issue with my wife who was enabling the children, but instead I just disconnected from my wife. 

Looking back my stbx and I have been going through what people seem to call a "silent divorce" for a few years. I just did not realize it was this bad -- I was out of the country managing my dad and mom's deaths and funerals 11 months apart. In any case, my stbx decided to pull the plug, now that my daughter is going to be out for college. 

The only sad part for me is that my daughter is stonewalling me now. We are still living in the same house and not having even simple "good morning" or "good night" interactions acknowledged by my daughter is killing me. Yes, I have even tried to reach out via my daughter's therapist but currently no luck. In any event, I have to learn to live with the choices I have made and move on with my life. Maybe things will get better on the long run -- but I know I have to do something to make my life better -- just don't know what to do at this time to remedy my relationships with kids.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> I don't hide behind bible verses, I rely on them for proper guidance.


I understand that you are alone and under a lot of pressures. But the thing is, you're constantly referencing them, but it's apparent to me that you're not following the guidance given on those verses because as you yourself can see the situations where you are right now.

That's why I said you're hiding behind them. You reference them, but I can't see where you're applying them.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> I understand that you are alone and under a lot of pressures. But the thing is, you're constantly referencing them, but it's apparent to me that you're not following the guidance given on those verses because as you yourself can see the situations where you are right now.
> 
> That's why I said you're hiding behind them. You reference them, but I can't see where you're applying them.


What verses am I not following Rob?


----------



## Evinrude58

I’ve tried to think of some advice for you, that might be helpful, but really can’t. You are upset with your wife, son, and daughter, regarding disrespectful behavior.
Yet you are allowing a 22 yr old mentally ill person who lives in your home, tell you he could have you lying in a pool of blood, and has knives and ammo in his room and is a known drug user. And you’re planning on discussing the “3 yr plan”….. Your son is dangerous and you’re too weak to face reality and see it, and your weakness is tearing your life apart. My only suggestion is to get a new therapist. The one you have now isn’t helping.

You’re gonna sit by weakly and your son is going to injure you, perhaps permanently if you don’t wake up.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> I’ve tried to think of some advice for you, that might be helpful, but really can’t. You are upset with your wife, son, and daughter, regarding disrespectful behavior.
> Yet you are allowing a 22 yr old mentally ill person who lives in your home, tell you he could have you lying in a pool of blood, and has knives and ammo in his room and is a known drug user. And you’re planning on discussing the “3 yr plan”….. Your son is dangerous and you’re too weak to face reality and see it, and your weakness is tearing your life apart. My only suggestion is to get a new therapist. The one you have now isn’t helping.
> 
> You’re gonna sit by weakly and your son is going to injure you, perhaps permanently if you don’t wake up.


Thank you, I will try. Perhaps my son is crying and is really the weaker one, I don't know.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> What verses am I not following Rob?





MrBigBoy said:


> I don't hide behind bible verses, I rely on them for proper guidance.


Whichever you've been referencing throughout your post, but obviously not following them since you keep making the same problem avoidance mistakes. I mean you have done some advances as far as your weak character, but still you continue keeping yourself mired in the whirlwind of your family problems, and to be honest with you it is all because you have allowed the situations to rise to the point where they are. Your mentally ill son, your daughter, your soon to be EX. It all comes back to how you have reacted to those situations

It's true that we are not there to actually see it, but we can only gauge from what you expose here in your own words. So that's what you reading back, based on your own words.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> Whichever you've been referencing throughout your post, but obviously not following them since you keep making the same problem avoidance mistakes. I mean you have done some advances as far as your weak character, but still you continue keeping yourself mired in the whirlwind of your family problems, and to be honest with you it is all because you have allowed the situations to rise to the point where they are. Your mentally ill son, your daughter, your soon to be EX. It all comes back to how you have reacted to those situations
> 
> It's true that we are not there to actually see it, but we can only gauge from what you expose here in your own words. So that's what you reading back, based on your own words.


Thank you


----------



## Marc878

Think of it this way. What are you teaching your kids? You’re their father.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Think of it this way. What are you teaching your kids? You’re there father.


That is one of my concerns, yes.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> That is one of my concerns, yes.


But, please, do not take what we are saying as negative and/or as put downs towards you. It's being said with all intentions (although sometimes seemingly harsh) to give you input for you to to realize what you are doing versus what we see through you what's going on, and what you need to do to get things under control for those things that can actually control. 

You need to be able to separate the things you can control and the things you can't control. Those things that you can control are the things that we are telling you how you should approach them.

Example: you wanted to inform your soon to be EX, about your son.
All you needed to do was a simple text: EX, son was taken to such place do to a mental breakdown. Period, no need to engage like you did. I'm just guessing, but I think you just were using the situation to actually engage her in conversation. If so, to what avail? What did you think you were going to achieve with that?


----------



## Chuck71

...


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I met a few people(2 guys) at a church. I call them from time to time for advice. But I don't call much, I don't want to burden anyone. So I just sit here at home alone.
> 
> I work for myself and I work alone, no one wants to work anymore. Hard to keep help.
> 
> How long have you been in the States and why did your wife leave you?


is there a divorce group at your Church (or one of the surrounding ones?) - they may help you talk to others in your situation.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> is there a divorce group at your Church (or one of the surrounding ones?) - they may help you talk to others in your situation.


I found one and registered online, never heard back from them.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm still looking for a Karate school, not looking good so I'm going to look to join a gym this week. I started that business class last week, that's every Thursday night. I'm losing weight. I'm getting a little better at cooking. I'm going to try that plant based diet that was mentioned, thanks. So I'm trying(and doing). I stopped my therapy sessions but I am going to re start that. 

I'm also going to re start a few of the things I used to do and always thought about doing.

This is not easy for me. I've been with the same woman for almost 32 years. Teens in love.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Slow morning. Relapsing dreams. But I'm pulling myself together now. Gotta get ready for work. I hope everyone have a good day today.


----------



## thunderchad

She almost certainly has found another man. Women generally don't leave until they have the next guy lined up.


----------



## MrBigBoy

thunderchad said:


> She almost certainly has found another man. Women generally don't leave until they have the next guy lined up.


Possibly.


----------



## thunderchad

If you want to win her back you need to better yourself. Get in shape, dress better, be a leader, be strong, be a man, be fun. Don't be weak or a sadboy in any way. Women will rarely leave a man she sees as her best option.


----------



## Evinrude58

Winning them back. Lol.
Talk about a Booby prize.

Become a better person and gain some self confidence and OP will realize very quick that he’s worth more than to be with someone that cheats and dumps him.


----------



## thunderchad

Agreed. He'll find someone younger and hotter in no time. Also someone who won't put other men inside them.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Winning them back. Lol.
> Talk about a Booby prize.
> 
> Become a better person and gain some self confidence and OP will realize very quick that he’s worth more than to be with someone that cheats and dumps him.


I really like this. Yeah!


----------



## MrBigBoy

thunderchad said:


> Agreed. He'll find someone younger and hotter in no time. Also someone who won't put other men inside them.


Yeah! Huh? Wait a minute, wait?


----------



## thunderchad

If you work on yourself and be the best man you can be, you'll be very attractive to other women, especially younger women.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm doing ok today, a little achy, but okay. I was wondering... How do you all that are single and alone deal with the fear of possible mishaps? I've never been alone and never lived without feeling that support(parents, brother, wife). In the past If I ever got sick my wife would take care of a lot of things for me that I had to do, vice versa. I'm just curious of ways to deal with this.


----------



## Marc878

thunderchad said:


> If you want to win her back you need to better yourself. Get in shape, dress better, be a leader, be strong, be a man, be fun. Don't be weak or a sadboy in any way. Women will rarely leave a man she sees as her best option.


What would you be trying to win back? You’d better answer that question first. I’ve never seen where the “pick me dance” works that well.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm doing ok today, a little achy, but okay. I was wondering... How do you all that are single and alone deal with the fear of possible mishaps? I've never been alone and never lived without feeling that support(parents, brother, wife). In the past If I ever got sick my wife would take care of a lot of things for me that I had to do, vice versa. I'm just curious of ways to deal with this.


Codependency on others is a very unattractive trait. Learning to live alone and become independent makes a more complete person. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Being Single has some great benefits. You can do what you want when you want. You have the time to pursue things you’ve wanted to do but never had time for.
A good time to reflect back on what has living your life for everyone else gotten you?


----------



## thunderchad

You seem like a nice guy but I feel you need a reality check here. To be honest you sound like a giant baby. It is no wonder your wife left you. Women hate any kind of weakness in a man. They want a strong and unwavering man. You are literally whining to Internet strangers about who's going take care of you when you get sick. Does this sound like a man a woman would be attracted to? A grown man should be able to take care of himself no matter what. You need to work on being a man, having no fear, embracing loneliness, taking care of yourself, and ultimately being attractive.


----------



## MrBigBoy

thunderchad said:


> You seem like a nice guy but I feel you need a reality check here. To be honest you sound like a giant baby. It is no wonder your wife left you. Women hate any kind of weakness in a man. They want a strong and unwavering man. You are literally whining to Internet strangers about who's going take care of you when you get sick. Does this sound like a man a woman would be attracted to? A grown man should be able to take care of himself no matter what. You need to work on being a man, having no fear, embracing loneliness, taking care of yourself, and ultimately being attractive.


Thanks for being honest. I can see your point.


----------



## Evinrude58

I’m single, 3 kids……. My ex has then half the time. I always did my duty abd got sick at appropriate times when she had them. 
One can always search out a sugar momma. You can get economically challenged sugar mommas also, that are good for snuggling and fixing chicken noodle soup when you’re sick. 
friends with benefits, whatever……
Single men have all kinds of options.

seriously, though, it’s not a death sentence. I might just stay single from now on. A large portion of married people I know are actually less happy than I ever thought about being.
You are a real worrier. Anxiety meds?


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm doing ok today, a little achy, but okay. I was wondering... How do you all that are single and alone deal with the fear of possible mishaps? I've never been alone and never lived without feeling that support(parents, brother, wife). In the past If I ever got sick my wife would take care of a lot of things for me that I had to do, vice versa. I'm just curious of ways to deal with this.


Mr. Big: what would you think you would do if you are suddenly dropped in the middle of a jungle with nothing to fend for?

Do you think that your basic instincts would kick in? Would your start calmly assessing your circumstances? would you look around and analyze what can you do to somehow arm yourself with some stick to be used as a spear, would you seek for water condensation from leaves, and so on? Or would just Wither and die.

No difference than the environment in which you are now. You either confront and seek solutions to your situation or you just back-off, retreat, wither and die. Your choice if you want to fight to survive or just become a speck that was.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m single, 3 kids……. My ex has then half the time. I always did my duty abd got sick at appropriate times when she had them.
> One can always search out a sugar momma. You can get economically challenged sugar mommas also, that are good for snuggling and fixing chicken noodle soup when you’re sick.
> friends with benefits, whatever……
> Single men have all kinds of options.
> 
> seriously, though, it’s not a death sentence. I might just stay single from now on. A large portion of married people I know are actually less happy than I ever thought about being.
> You are a real worrier. Anxiety meds?


I started taking St. John's Wort for anxiety a few months ago, I stopped, but after reading your remark I just started back. Anxiety is an issue. I worry too much, and I have a slight touch of social anxiety.


----------



## thunderchad

I've been where you are, it sucks, but you can make it through.

It's tough, but first you need to look inside and realize your wife left you because you stopped being the man she needed you to be. She thought someone else was a better option. Women will never leave a man they know is their best option. The best preventative maintenance for any marriage is never stop working on yourself. Chase excellence, not your wife/women. Work out, dress well, be fun, be attractive.

If you work on yourself and become the best, most attractive version of yourself you will have absolutely no problem finding a much better woman.


----------



## thunderchad

Check out these videos and also read How to be a 3% man.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> Mr. Big: what would you think you would do if you are suddenly dropped in the middle of a jungle with nothing to fend for?
> 
> Do you think that your basic instincts would kick in? Would your start calmly assessing your circumstances? would you look around and analyze what can you do to somehow arm yourself with some stick to be used as a spear, would you seek for water condensation from leaves, and so on? Or would just Wither and die.
> 
> No difference than the environment in which you are now. You either confront and seek solutions to your situation or you just back-off, retreat, wither and die. Your choice if you want to fight to survive or just become a speck that was.


I wasn't always this way. I used to be an alpha male. Half way into my marriage(around 15 years later) I think I fell in love with my wife more, and maybe she started falling out. I think from that point I only focused on her and the kids. That's what I think. Even my son would later look at photos of me right before he was born and ask, "Where is that guy?" He wasn't being rude he was just aware that I had changed(he wasn't talking about aging, but the essence). 

Leave me in a jungle and I would build a city.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> Leave me in a jungle and I would build a city.


You see, do you see what you just said? This statement is not even an unconscious slip. I'll spell it for you: You are consciously choosing to run away. You don't want to confront. So in other words you wish to wither away. Dude, people don't beat the drums only in the jungle; we all do it everyday of our life wherever we are. Most of us are in the asphalt jungle trying to built that city.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> I was wondering... How do you all that are single and alone deal with the fear of possible mishaps? I've never been alone and never lived without feeling that support(parents, brother, wife). In the past If I ever got sick my wife would take care of a lot of things for me that I had to do, vice versa. I'm just curious of ways to deal with this.


This just came up for me yesterday, I injured myself, potentially seriously, with no one around to help. Fortunately it wasn't at all as serious as it could have been.

So what I'm thinking... 1) always be mindful about what you are doing, and be careful! 2) know what your options are: like where is the nearest ER or urgent care center? Who are your emergency contacts? What friends are nearby that you could potentially call for help? Cultivate those friends and contacts... 3) learn and practice self-sufficiency, figure out how to take care of yourself!


----------



## thunderchad

I'm glad you recognize this, that is really good. This is exactly why your marriage failed. Your wife well in love with that alpha but you became a beta she's not attracted to. That happens to many, many men. It's called betatization through 1000 concessions.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TurnedTurtle said:


> This just came up for me yesterday, I injured myself, potentially seriously, with no one around to help. Fortunately it wasn't at all as serious as it could have been.
> 
> So what I'm thinking... 1) always be mindful about what you are doing, and be careful! 2) know what your options are: like where is the nearest ER or urgent care center? Who are your emergency contacts? What friends are nearby that you could potentially call for help? Cultivate those friends and contacts... 3) learn and practice self-sufficiency, figure out how to take care of yourself!


Thank you


----------



## MrBigBoy

thunderchad said:


> I'm glad you recognize this, that is really good. This is exactly why your marriage failed. Your wife well in love with that alpha but you became a beta she's not attracted to. That happens to many, many men. It's called betatization through 1000 concessions.


betatization through 1000 concessions??


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just getting back in from class. I talked to a few more new people. I sat at another table section with a male and a female. She's a college student, 30s, the guy looks about 55-60ish. We all talked and he started showing me pics from his phone. So I figured he thought I was ok. She helped me with a few things. I came in late and she help set me up to where they were in the lesson. I know a lot of you are wondering why I'm making a fuss over this. This is out of my norm. I'm not social and I don't have friends or family. 
My wife used to tell me that I was too confident and self centered. I talked to everyone and anyone, even though I am naturally shy. I felt liked by people. She told me one day, "I will never pat you on the back again." It was weird hearing that but she never did pat me on the back again and it didn't hit me until years later that she actually meant it, and did it. I just didn't notice. I got used to her being withdrawn and irritated by anything that I was doing, until I stopped doing them. Around 15 years(after marriage) is when it started going down hill, I think. She hated when people said nice things about me or to me. About 4 months ago a mutual female client/friend said to us that she thought that I was very funny and had her laughing for 2 days about something that I said about a week ago. She actually said that she thought I could make it professionally as a comedian. My wife says my humor is childish and immature.


----------



## MrBigBoy

thunderchad said:


> Check out these videos and also read How to be a 3% man.


Thanks for the videos, I've already watched at least 6 of them.


----------



## Lostinthought61

MrBigBoy said:


> Just getting back in from class. I talked to a few more new people. I sat at another table section with a male and a female. She's a college student, 30s, the guy looks about 55-60ish. We all talked and he started showing me pics from his phone. So I figured he thought I was ok. She helped me with a few things. I came in late and she help set me up to where they were in the lesson. I know a lot of you are wondering why I'm making a fuss over this. This is out of my norm. I'm not social and I don't have friends or family.
> My wife used to tell me that I was too confident and self centered. I talked to everyone and anyone, even though I am naturally shy. I felt liked by people. She told me one day, "I will never pat you on the back again." It was weird hearing that but she never did pat me on the back again and it didn't hit me until years later that she actually meant it, and did it. I just didn't notice. I got used to her being withdrawn and irritated by anything that I was doing, until I stopped doing them. Around 15 years(after marriage) is when it started going down hill, I think. She hated when people said nice things about me or to me. About 4 months ago a mutual female client/friend said to us that she thought that I was very funny and had her laughing for 2 days about something that I said about a week ago. She actually said that she thought I could make it professionally as a comedian. My wife says my humor is childish and immature.



Sounds like you kept taking the spot light away from her regardless of the fact you were not intentionally doing so, people just gravitated to you and your personality even without you trying, and i suspect your wife lacked that and she became jealous to the point of leaving you to find her own spot light, but what usually occurs is that individuals like that who need attention and admiration will not find it easy or will miss read those admiration and end up being used. She will not come back to you because in doing so we would have to acknowledge her weakness, her inability to be you, and she does not want to share that spot light with you under any circumstances at this point. The comment about the not giving you a pat on the back is very profound, and speaks volumes, and i suspect again that she started tearing you down over the years to make herself feel better, but in the end it did not work so she ultimately left you for her own ego. 

She has a very fragile ego and she will never give you credit because in order to do that she would have to give away some of that ego. If you wanted to you could crush her with very simple non-threatening, non hateful phrases that would just eat away at her and cause her mental anguish. I am be off base here but just my thoughts.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Lostinthought61 said:


> Sounds like you kept taking the spot light away from her regardless of the fact you were not intentionally doing so, people just gravitated to you and your personality even without you trying, and i suspect your wife lacked that and she became jealous to the point of leaving you to find her own spot light, but what usually occurs is that individuals like that who need attention and admiration will not find it easy or will miss read those admiration and end up being used. She will not come back to you because in doing so we would have to acknowledge her weakness, her inability to be you, and she does not want to share that spot light with you under any circumstances at this point. The comment about the not giving you a pat on the back is very profound, and speaks volumes, and i suspect again that she started tearing you down over the years to make herself feel better, but in the end it did not work so she ultimately left you for her own ego.
> 
> She has a very fragile ego and she will never give you credit because in order to do that she would have to give away some of that ego. If you wanted to you could crush her with very simple non-threatening, non hateful phrases that would just eat away at her and cause her mental anguish. I am be off base here but just my thoughts.


"_If you wanted to you could crush her with very simple non-threatening, non hateful phrases that would just eat away at her and cause her mental anguish. I am be off base here but just my thoughts_. " What exactly did you mean here?


----------



## Lostinthought61

MrBigBoy said:


> "_If you wanted to you could crush her with very simple non-threatening, non hateful phrases that would just eat away at her and cause her mental anguish. I am be off base here but just my thoughts_. " What exactly did you mean here?


what i mean to say is that doubt is her biggest enemy, the more you turn her words on herself with doubt the more this will make her rethink what she is saying or doing...you could say something about her outfit, like " that is an interesting outfit you selected" and it will more than likely cause her to relook herself in the mirror....or something like "are you sure you wanted to use that exact wording" " interesting you would say that or use that phrase" again i am just speculating here.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just a thought: 
*"Wife"*
Sitting here and thinking back,...I remembered who I was then brought her to me. She chased me for about 3 years. She verbalized and showed how much she loved who I was then. But later who I was she eventually felt she had to destroy? WTH. When she did, she left. 

*My Sisters*
I have 5 sisters(all older). Two of my sisters died early, one was a nurse the other a psychologist. These two are the only sisters that loved me and never stopped letting me know that. They called me their big brother. The other 3 were older and abusive(verbally and physically). The sister that was a psychologist came to me and out of the blue said to me that she admired how I transformed any negative situations from people as fuel to better myself. I was puzzled that she saw that, because at that moment I wasn't aware of it until she mentioned it. They really loved me. And I really love them.


----------



## Marc878

No contact is your new best friend. Words don’t get you much.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> No contact is your new best friend. Words don’t get you much.


I haven't talked to her in about 3 or 4 days, she texted once and I responded but that was it. 

I was going to go to the mall today, but feeling a little under the weather. So I'm going to rest.


----------



## MrBigBoy

My son came back after the mandatory trip to the hospital. He apologized and we talked about what he had done and what he would have to do going forward. So far everything is going pretty ok.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> My son came back after the mandatory trip to the hospital. He apologized and we talked about what he had done and what he would have to do going forward. So far everything is going pretty ok.


Good, hold your ground.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Good, hold your ground.


Thank you, I will.


----------



## Marc878

You can do this. Once you start the momentum of moving forward it will get easier. Keep your eye on where you want to get to. Then do what it takes to get there.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just got a text from my "wife" about 10 mins ago. I haven't responded. I copied and I'll paste it here: I had a quick question, if you done mind answering it?


----------



## thunderchad

ok and what was the question?


----------



## MrBigBoy

thunderchad said:


> ok and what was the question?


I didn't reply back. Maybe tomorrow.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm getting ready to eat my dinner and maybe watch a movie. 

I texted my "wife" and she just texted back wanting to ask me about a verse. It has nothing to do with us or our situation. But I think she's trying to teach me something, I don't know yet. But I just replied to her that if she's wanting to show me something to just text it to me.


----------



## Chuck71

Just a bit of fishing.....


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Just a bit of fishing.....





Chuck71 said:


> Just a bit of fishing.....


Fishing? She's fishing?


----------



## jlg07

she's fishing for your attention -- making sure you are still "on the hook".
Ignore her and go about your life.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

But apparently he texted her first.... Why did _you_ text _her_, @MrBigBoy ?



MrBigBoy said:


> I texted my "wife" and she just texted back


----------



## Marc878

jlg07 said:


> she's fishing for your attention -- making sure you are still "on the hook".
> Ignore her and go about your life.


Yep, learn to ignore. No contact means no contact. It sounds like you are venting, listening but not applying.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TurnedTurtle said:


> But apparently he texted her first.... Why did _you_ text _her_, @MrBigBoy ?


I didn't. After 3 or 4 days she texted me asking if she could ask me something. I replied back the next day.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> she's fishing for your attention -- making sure you are still "on the hook".
> Ignore her and go about your life.


Her wanting attention and me still being on the hook,... What's the psyche in that?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Her wanting attention and me still being on the hook,... What's the psyche in that?


They like control. Bud, this isn’t uncommon. Quit playing her game. It gets you nothing but a longer stay in limbo. Drop the hopium pipe.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Yep, learn to ignore. No contact means no contact. It sounds like you are venting, listening but not applying.


I am applying. I didn't reply to her text, but suggested that I would the next day. No one said not to, so I did reply the next day. Had someone said not to I would not have. That's why I post here, for advice and support.
We did text for about 30 minutes yesterday. She said she would send me an email maybe tomorrow to help me understand scriptures that she thinks I don't understand.
I really love my "wife," but if being intelligent or educated was a requirement for my wife I would have smiled without saying hello and kept walking when we first met. Her chasing and following behind me led her to drop out of high school. Later I helped her get her GED, but told her that I loved her either way, it really didn't matter to me at all. I meant it. I loved her. I'm not saying a GED is bad or not going to college is bad at all. Just giving you a little background on her I guess. 

LostInThought61 said something that really made a lot of sense to me. Honestly, I think she's delusional and probably listening to bible buffs that caters to her off beat beliefs. She's coming off as a bible scholar or an apostle from heaven that needs to correct me. This is what Lostinthought61 was saying about her "spot light" I think. 

I think the combination of what Lostinthought61 said and my past therapist said(her leaving and making demands is manipulation) is exactly what a wife is not. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I accept my faults and I'm looking for more of them. But I know this is not the right ingredient for a wife.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> They like control. Bud, this isn’t uncommon. Quit playing her game. It gets you nothing but a longer stay in limbo. Drop the hopium pipe.


Texting with her yesterday I did pick that up, her wanting to control things, the tone and the conversation. I asked her to stop sounding bossy and mean. She says she's just "direct" now. This is one of the reasons(the board suggested this also) why I made a rule that we would only text. She would eventually start being bossy, and finding everything to argue about and I would warn her and eventually just hang up. 

She mentioned that I was just upset that I didn't have "control" over her anymore.

I don't want to be in Limbo. But I know I'm there.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I am applying. I didn't reply to her text, but suggested that I would the next day.* No one said not to, so I did reply the next day. *Had someone said not to I would not have. That's why I post here, for advice and support.
> We did text for about 30 minutes yesterday. She said she would send me an email maybe tomorrow to help me understand scriptures that she thinks I don't understand.
> I really love my "wife," but if being intelligent or educated was a requirement for my wife I would have smiled without saying hello and kept walking when we first met. Her chasing and following behind me led her to drop out of high school. Later I helped her get her GED, but told her that I loved her either way, it really didn't matter to me at all. I meant it. I loved her. I'm not saying a GED is bad or not going to college is bad at all. Just giving you a little background on her I guess.
> 
> LostInThought61 said something that really made a lot of sense to me. Honestly, I think she's delusional and probably listening to bible buffs that caters to her off beat beliefs. She's coming off as a bible scholar or an apostle from heaven that needs to correct me. This is what Lostinthought61 was saying about her "spot light" I think.
> 
> I think the combination of what Lostinthought61 said and my past therapist said(her leaving and making demands is manipulation) is exactly what a wife is not. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I accept my faults and I'm looking for more of them. But I know this is not the right ingredient for a wife.


No contact means no contact. Take control of your life or linger. Stop waiting on others to tell you what to do.
Nothing uncommon about people using bible verses to justify themselves.
I had a neighbor once who’s wife left him and all of a sudden he starts going to church. Reading his bible, etc. Needless to say it didn’t last long.


----------



## Marc878

A lot will grasp at straws for anything that may sound reasonable and over analyze everything.
Her actions tell you what you need to know. All you’re doing is keeping yourself tied up in this.
It’s your choice. Your life so do as you will. No one here has any skin in this. Most are advising you on what they went through. Whether you use it Is up to you.
Did you read “No More Mr Nice Guy”?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Texting with her yesterday I did pick that up, her wanting to control things, the tone and the conversation. I asked her to stop sounding bossy and mean. She says she's just "direct" now. This is one of the reasons(the board suggested this also) why I made a rule that we would only text. She would eventually start being bossy, and finding everything to argue about and I would warn her and eventually just hang up.
> 
> She mentioned that I was just upset that I didn't have "control" over her anymore.
> 
> I don't want to be in Limbo. But I know I'm there.


The reality is you’re still in limbo because you choose to be. Until that changes you’ll stay where you are.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> A lot will grasp at straws for anything that may sound reasonable and over analyze everything.
> Her actions tell you what you need to know. All you’re doing is keeping yourself tied up in this.
> It’s your choice. Your life so do as you will. No one here has any skin in this. Most are advising you on what they went through. Whether you use it Is up to you.
> Did you read “No More Mr Nice Guy”?


Not yet, I will buy it today. Is it a book or pdf download?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> A lot will grasp at straws for anything that may sound reasonable and over analyze everything.
> Her actions tell you what you need to know. All you’re doing is keeping yourself tied up in this.
> It’s your choice. Your life so do as you will. No one here has any skin in this. Most are advising you on what they went through. Whether you use it Is up to you.
> Did you read “No More Mr Nice Guy”?


Which author?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Which author?


Glover


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Not yet, I will buy it today. Is it a book or pdf download?


It’s a free download. Unless you start taking some actions you will not move forward.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Glover


Its on the way, thanks. The reviews are pretty impressive.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> It’s a free download. Unless you start some taking some actions you will not move forward.


I went ahead and bought the book, thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> No contact means no contact. Take control of your life or linger. Stop waiting on others to tell you what to do.
> Nothing uncommon about people using bible verses to justify themselves.
> I had a neighbor once who’s wife left him and all of a sudden he starts going to church. Reading his bible, etc. Needless to say it didn’t last long.


Note: I am okay with verses thrown at me, but not when you use it to mean something else. My "wife" doesn't use verses to say what she means, she just says what she wants and says it's in the bible. ?


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I am applying. I didn't reply to her text, but suggested that I would the next day. No one said not to, so I did reply the next day. Had someone said not to I would not have. That's why I post here, for advice and support.
> We did text for about 30 minutes yesterday. She said she would send me an email maybe tomorrow to help me understand scriptures that she thinks I don't understand.
> I really love my "wife," but if being intelligent or educated was a requirement for my wife I would have smiled without saying hello and kept walking when we first met. Her chasing and following behind me led her to drop out of high school. Later I helped her get her GED, but told her that I loved her either way, it really didn't matter to me at all. I meant it. I loved her. I'm not saying a GED is bad or not going to college is bad at all. Just giving you a little background on her I guess.
> 
> LostInThought61 said something that really made a lot of sense to me. Honestly, I think she's delusional and probably listening to bible buffs that caters to her off beat beliefs. She's coming off as a bible scholar or an apostle from heaven that needs to correct me. This is what Lostinthought61 was saying about her "spot light" I think.
> 
> I think the combination of what Lostinthought61 said and my past therapist said(her leaving and making demands is manipulation) is exactly what a wife is not. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I accept my faults and I'm looking for more of them. But I know this is not the right ingredient for a wife.


Don't bother with her views of scripture, or that YOU don't understand them correctly, or....
There is no point discussing ANY of this with her -- you are not friends anymore, and YOU need to move on, which means without her.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> Don't bother with her views of scripture, or that YOU don't understand them correctly, or....
> There is no point discussing ANY of this with her -- you are not friends anymore, and YOU need to move on, which means without her.


I know, I am.


----------



## plastow

MrBigBoy said:


> These scary thoughts are killing me.


grow some balls for god's sake man. she despises you and after all your posts i,m not surprised .pull your finger out and get stuck into the divorce she will take you for every cent you have and probably more if she can .she smiles cos she knows what a pushover you are. surprise her by getting aggressive in your actions.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Note: I am okay with verses thrown at me, but not when you use it to mean something else. My "wife" doesn't use verses to say what she means, she just says what she wants and says it's in the bible. ?


You’d be wise to learn to ignore.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I went ahead and bought the book, thanks.


It’s short. I’d advise reading it twice. Then apply. Just reading it will get you nothing.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I wanted to add something:
A couple of days ago while driving home with my son. I wanted to show my son how easy it was to pick up "chicks," or at least pick them up for him. I told him at his age he should have a little black book. So pulling up to a traffic light I notice through the other vehicle's tinted window that the driver was a young woman my sons age(20s). I fan to her to roll down her window and jokingly teased that my son was looking for a wife and ask her if she was currently single. She laughed and actually blushed and said she was married once. At this moment I realized that this woman was closer to my age, classy and above average pretty. She actually continued on about how difficult it was finding a husband and a few other details. She actually appeared to want to continue until someone blew their horn. After turning at that intersection and her going forward through the light my son staring at me, asked why don't I have any females and appearing impressed with how open that pretty woman responded. 

I felt relaxed talking with her and I'm going to try to continue doing that, but for me. 

I don't just want to do it to meet a woman(not saying I wouldn't), but for my ego or self esteem I think. Not sure if that's a good idea.


----------



## MrBigBoy

plastow said:


> grow some balls for god's sake man. she despises you and after all your posts i,m not surprised .pull your finger out and get stuck into the divorce she will take you for every cent you have and probably more if she can .she smiles cos she knows what a pushover you are. surprise her by getting aggressive in your actions.


I've been working on it. I've set rules that she is following like text only, etc. And not responding or being there for her every beck and call.


----------



## Marc878

IMO read up on and stay away from rebounds. You have enough problems right now to work on. You don’t need more. 
Right now your goal should be working on yourself. Find happiness in living alone. There are many benefits in being single. You’ll find there are many. Making yourself a complete man will pay dividends long term.


----------



## MrBigBoy

When I feel a little better I'm going to the mall and pick up chicks! 35 and under! lol


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> IMO read up on and stay away from rebounds. You have enough problems right now to work on. You don’t need more.
> Right now your goal should be working on yourself. Find happiness in living alone. There are many benefits in being single. You’ll find there are many. Making yourself a complete man will pay dividends long term.


I agree.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I've been working on it. I've set rules that she is following like text only, etc. And not responding or being there for her every beck and call.


What is there to communicate about except the D? Start giving her what she wanted.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> What is there to communicate about except the D? Start giving her what she wanted.


To be honest, I think she wants to stay married(on paper) but not physically.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I agree.


You need to start getting it and applying it.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> To be honest, I think she wants to stay married(on paper) but not physically.


Great!!!! You’ll get to live permanently in limbo land. How’s that work for you?


----------



## Marc878

This has been going on since what mid 2020 and what have you accomplish except talking about it?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Great!!!! You’ll get to live permanently in limbo land. How’s that work for you?


lol


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> This has been going on since what mid 2020 and what have you accomplish except talking about it?


A lot. Ive learned that I should judge her by her actions. That I should focus on me, self improvement. That living alone is not bad and could be the prerequisite for living with another. That there is hope for anxiety and social anxiety, etc.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> A lot. Ive learned that I should judge her by her actions. That I should focus on me, self improvement. That living alone is not bad and could be the prerequisite for living with another. That there is hope for anxiety and social anxiety, etc.


I get where you’re at. I really do. Until you start *acting* on what you know you’ll remain where you are. Knowing and understanding doesn’t equate to accomplishment. You’ve been in this situation for what almost 2 years.
Where are you going to be a year from now? It’s your choice.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> I didn't. After 3 or 4 days she texted me asking if she could ask me something. I replied back the next day.


Sorry, I guess I didn't connect the dots there.

Still, you really need to avoid getting into 30-minute long text conversations, etc... No contact!

I mean unless you're happy in your current situation... in limbo.

If not, then you realize that change doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen. I know you're working on some self-improvement, working with your son, etc..., but relative to your "wife," well, you really need let go -- and get off the hopium, I know it's hard, it's an addiction, and the withdrawal sucks, but it's necessary!


----------



## MrBigBoy

*My Son*
My son mentioned to me that he is considering signing up with the Air Force. 

*Therapy*
I had a free 15 minutes phone consultation with a therapist(apprentice). Her fee is half price for the hourly sessions. Any suggestions on hiring a therapist? I've had bad experiences with therapists lately. Due to covid they are really booked and they're very nonchalant and not afraid to show it. In the past I've had a few call and cancels, going on vacations(sometimes going back on vacation "again"), and one said he just forgot, etc.


----------



## Evinrude58

I think the military would be great for your son. But the therapist I don’t have faith in.
You choosing to strip being passive, insisting on your needs being met in your next relationship or ending it, and going completely dark in your ex is all you need. And to get your son in the Air Force so he will learn some self discipline and become a man instead of a child. Anyone could look at your actions and help steer you into making your interactions with your ex wife and son better. You’ve got to be willing to make changes.
It likely takes years to change one’s behavior patterns. I’ve had to work in mine for 49…..


----------



## MrBigBoy

Thanks Marc


Marc878 said:


> It’s a free download. Unless you start taking some actions you will not move forward.


Thanks Marc. The book arrived on the 5th. I started reading today, stopped on page 60. Good stuff, thanks. Dr. Glover is dead on.


----------



## Marc878

That first step is the hardest. I’d bet in awhile you’ll be thinking why didn’t I do this sooner.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Thanks Marc
> 
> Thanks Marc. The book arrived on the 5th. I started reading today, stopped on page 60. Good stuff, thanks. Dr. Glover is dead on.


It’s helped many. You must apply what you read/learn.


----------



## Chuck71

When you "wake up" you will never want to shut your eyes again....

Padawan you are..........learning the path. When Jedis recommend things...

they are to help you. The path you are traveling, Jedis have walked with many times.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Note: My "wife" keeps texting me about political and worldly events(typically bad current events). I usually ignore them, but after about 2-3 days I text back a few words(very short). But never until after about 2-3 days. She sends videos about these things also. Just curious what this behavior could be. Feels a lil weird.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Note: My "wife" keeps texting me about political and worldly events(typically bad current events). I usually ignore them, but after about 2-3 days I text back a few words(very short). But never until after about 2-3 days. She sends videos about these things also. Just curious what this behavior could be. Feels a lil weird.


Ignore this. She wants to make sure you stay on the hook in case she needs you. Stop analyzing and looking for why. There is no reason to respond at all. Her actions tell you what? Drop the hopium pipe or linger. You do have a choice. You haven’t learned. No contact means no contact.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Ignore this. She wants to make sure you stay on the hook in case she needs you. Stop analyzing and looking for why. There is no reason to respond at all. Her actions tell you what? Drop the hopium pipe or linger. You do have a choice.


I realize that this may take some time, but I am starting to feel that I am better than I was. I realize that I deserve better. And I will make the choice to only accept better.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I realize that this may take some time, but I am starting to feel that I am better than I was. I realize that I deserve better. And I will make the choice to only accept better.


Contact is totally under your control. You want to move forward then start using what you have control over.
Any contact resets the clock.
Its not uncommon to over analyze in these situations and stay on hopium but it will only keep you bound.
What you are dealing with is someone who wants what’s best for them at your expense.
It’s your choice. Move on or linger.


----------



## Evinrude58

Marc 878 is exactly right. What would she say if you said, honey, let’s have a date? She’d laugh in your face. Don’t feed the jackals my friend.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Note: My "wife" keeps texting me about political and worldly events(typically bad current events). I usually ignore them, but after about 2-3 days I text back a few words(very short). But never until after about 2-3 days. She sends videos about these things also. Just curious what this behavior could be. Feels a lil weird.


Just ignore it -- she's trying to get you to respond. Just delete them.


----------



## Chuck71

If she REALLY wanted to communicate with you, she would be at your door.

She is texting you to keep you at arm's length. Why? Her original plan must have 

went up in smoke and she just might want a soft landing somewhere.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> I usually ignore them, but after about 2-3 days I text back a few words(very short). But never until after about 2-3 days.


Why? What do you think waiting 2-3 days before responding accomplishes? 

But more importantly, what do you think responding _at all_ accomplishes? What message do you think that action sends to her? (this is not about whatever you say in your response, but just the fact that you _are_ responding to her, even if delayed).

What does responding to her do for you? Does it make you feel better about yourself, that you're a nice guy? Or that maybe there's still a chance with her? 

Don't take the bait!


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Contact is totally under your control. You want to move forward then start using what you have control over.
> Any contact resets the clock.
> Its not uncommon to over analyze in these situations and stay on hopium but it will only keep you bound.
> What you are dealing with is someone who wants what’s best for them at your expense.
> It’s your choice. Move on or linger.


" What you are dealing with is someone who wants what’s best for them at your expense. " That's not cool man.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> If she REALLY wanted to communicate with you, she would be at your door.
> 
> She is texting you to keep you at arm's length. Why? Her original plan must have
> 
> went up in smoke and she just might want a soft landing somewhere.


To be honest I do think of this old quote,..."Stick with the devil you know,..."


----------



## MrBigBoy

TurnedTurtle said:


> Why? What do you think waiting 2-3 days before responding accomplishes?
> 
> But more importantly, what do you think responding _at all_ accomplishes? What message do you think that action sends to her? (this is not about whatever you say in your response, but just the fact that you _are_ responding to her, even if delayed).
> 
> What does responding to her do for you? Does it make you feel better about yourself, that you're a nice guy? Or that maybe there's still a chance with her?
> 
> Don't take the bait!


She actually wants to meet at our home(this Sunday) that's about 2 hours from her and 1 hour from me to clean it up. I'm not sure what she is wanting for her future. Other than physically leaving(and that is major) she hasn't said she wanted a divorce.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Marc 878 is exactly right. What would she say if you said, honey, let’s have a date? She’d laugh in your face. Don’t feed the jackals my friend.


Should I test that?


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> She actually wants to meet at our home(this Sunday) that's about 2 hours from her and 1 hour from me to clean it up. *I'm not sure what she is wanting for her future. Other than physically leaving(and that is major) she hasn't said she wanted a divorce.*


You didn't answer my questions, but whatever.

From the bolded part it seems like you are stuck hoping that she'll come back to you.

What conditions are you going to impose on her in order for her to come back to you, if that's what she asks for?


----------



## Lostinthought61

MrBigBoy said:


> To be honest I do think of this old quote,..."Stick with the devil you know,..."


you may like his response but that does not make him wrong.....you say you are better but you are only fooling yourself, you still allow her to control the narrative. she wants you in the friend category not because she wants that but it eases her guilt....you need to learn to grey rock her until it specifically pertains to your son. you need to tell her that you will only response to text about your son or divorce but you do not want to be her friend. and if you think what i wrote is uncool as well, then you are worse off then you think.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Should I test that?


If you want to stay together, fine, you can try that, but you need to be strong and clear with her that you want to be her husband and have all that goes along with that or you are divorcing and moving on without her in the picture. Right now she is just keeping you in a state of limbo. Don't let her do that to you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> If you want to stay together, fine, you can try that, but you need to be strong and clear with her that you want to be her husband and have all that goes along with that or you are divorcing and moving on without her in the picture. Right now she is just keeping you in a state of limbo. Don't let her do that to you.


If she's willing to be what I need I would think that should be an option. But I just want to know where she stands. If she is doing what everyone is suggesting(holding me incase some other drops her, or the friend zone) I do want to move on, I just want to be sure.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I don't think I'm going to meet her Sunday. I'm going to tell her something came up.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I went to class tonight. I still have a lot of work to do as far as being nervous, but I was glad I went. I really like the class and the other students there. Another student(a business owner), a woman my age, stood behind and waited on me to come out of the room. We walked and talked the entire walk out of the building(a community college) and stood outside of the school for about an hour just talking. She smiled the whole time and looked like she really enjoyed talking to me.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Sometimes I feel so social awkward that I want to tell whoever, "Please excuse me if I say or act a little weird but I'm going through a separation, possibly divorce right now."


----------



## Evinrude58

A woman that wants to


MrBigBoy said:


> Sometimes I feel so social awkward that I want to tell whoever, "Please excuse me if I say or act a little weird but I'm going through a separation, possibly divorce right now."


resist the urge to share that. You’ll make every interaction awkward from that point on.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> A woman that wants to
> 
> resist the urge to share that. You’ll make every interaction awkward from that point on.


Okay. I can see your point.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> She actually wants to meet at our home(this Sunday) that's about 2 hours from her and 1 hour from me to clean it up. I'm not sure what she is wanting for her future. Other than physically leaving(and that is major) she hasn't said she wanted a divorce.


Actions speak louder than words. You are still living on hopium.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Sometimes I feel so social awkward that I want to tell whoever, "Please excuse me if I say or act a little weird but I'm going through a separation, possibly divorce right now."


You and 90% of society. Sorry what. Do you really think others don’t have problems they are dealing with. 
Its your choice to get out of the victim mentality or stay in it.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I went to class tonight. I still have a lot of work to do as far as being nervous, but I was glad I went. I really like the class and the other students there. Another student(a business owner), a woman my age, stood behind and waited on me to come out of the room. We walked and talked the entire walk out of the building(a community college) and stood outside of the school for about an hour just talking. She smiled the whole time and looked like she really enjoyed talking to me.


Didn’t look like you had any trouble here. Stop making yourself your biggest problem.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> You and 90% of society. Sorry what. Do you really think others don’t have problems they are dealing with.
> Its your choice to get out of the victim mentality or stay in it.


Yeah, I keep forgetting this, the 90% thing that you mentioned. I feel I'm alone in this 100%, and I forget that others may be feeling the same way.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Didn’t look like you had any trouble here. Stop making yourself your biggest problem.


Thank you. It felt good to be social. 

In the No More Mr. Nice Guy book Dr. Glover mentions having a Coping Mechanism. I now realize that my "wife" was my Coping Mechanism. What's weird is that I was more social than she was in the beginning. I eventually lost my identity.


----------



## jlg07

And NOW you are getting it back... going to school and talking to people. Keep it up!


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> And NOW you are getting it back... going to school and talking to people. Keep it up!


I will, thanks!


----------



## MrBigBoy

Taxes: Should we file jointly or separately?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Taxes: Should we file jointly or separately?


You're still married, so financially it makes sense to file jointly, so long as you can agree on who get what if there is a refund.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Taxes: Should we file jointly or separately?


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> You're still married, so financially it makes sense to file jointly, so long as you can agree on who get what if there is a refund.


Ok


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just finished No More Mr. Nice Guy. Thanks for the recommendation. I have a lot of work to do, but that book helped me further understand what you guys were saying all along. Thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*My Son*
Sometimes my son is the best son ever and sometimes the worse, and both personalities are extreme. Today, like he has a few times in the past, he asked me if I thought how he is being treated was fair. I told him absolutely. I told him that his behavior dictated how he was treated. And looking into his eyes I just don't see that he gets that. I'm really confused as to why he just doesn't see what I am doing and what I have done for him. He made the remark tonight that Satan was in me.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> He made the remark tonight that Satan was in me.


Any one that makes that remark is not quite right in the upstairs. You should by now know that, don't you?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> *My Son*
> Sometimes my son is the best son ever and sometimes the worse, and both personalities are extreme. Today, like he has a few times in the past, he asked me if I thought how he is being treated was fair. I told him absolutely. I told him that his behavior dictated how he was treated. And looking into his eyes I just don't see that he gets that. I'm really confused as to why he just doesn't see what I am doing and what I have done for him. He made the remark tonight that Satan was in me.


Maybe he should be out on his own. He’s old enough. Nothing like reality to wake you up. However, some victims never get it. 
You can’t fix him. IMO you should be fixing yourself.
It reminds me of the instructions on airplanes. Put your mask on first because if you don’t you won’t be helping anyone.


----------



## Chuck71

OP...... sometimes when you are on shore and someone is drowning....

if you try and help too much...they will pull you in with them. Stay on shore.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I was out with my son today. You all know and I know this is not the time for me to be thinking about a woman. But today I saw this woman that I felt I had to know. I had to know her. But I couldn't. It felt weird. Knowing that my son would see, I couldn't. It just didn't feel right to do that in front of him.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I restarted therapy yesterday.


----------



## MrBigBoy

We have a house(where I'm currently living/she left) that we have been renting for about 7 or 8 years. It's under a new management and they want to redo the lease. Before my "wife" left she advised me to get all utilities in my name, and I did. I just informed the the new management that my "wife" is no longer here and that I will be signing the lease alone. They advised me to inform my "wife" to email them stating that she will not be living here. I did(I told my "wife") and she asked why would I do that and that it could jeopardized our current positions(life and business). And it should be done when the time was right for us both. My first thought was she is trying to benefit somehow, I just don't know how. She's claiming that she left the healthcare listed with her living here to keep the cost down.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

But of course the facts are that she is NOT actually living there now, and she apparently has no intention of returning to live there (with you) anytime in the near future, so of course it makes sense to not include her on the lease. Yes, this has consequences; leaving you has consequences.... She'll just have to deal with those as they come.

Tell her that.


----------



## Chuck71

She still encapsulates you.... all be it business, she still is. Let's change that. How?

Step 1: See a lawyer


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> We have a house(where I'm currently living/she left) that we have been renting for about 7 or 8 years. It's under a new management and they want to redo the lease. Before my "wife" left she advised me to get all utilities in my name, and I did. I just informed the the new management that my "wife" is no longer here and that I will be signing the lease alone. They advised me to inform my "wife" to email them stating that she will not be living here. I did(I told my "wife") and she asked why would I do that and that it could jeopardized our current positions(life and business). And it should be done when the time was right for us both. My first thought was she is trying to benefit somehow, I just don't know how. She's claiming that she left the healthcare listed with her living here to keep the cost down.


She left and has no say so. You should know this by now.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Night Business Class*
After my Thursday night class I walked and talked with that female student again. We stayed after talking in the parking lot. We talked business for awhile but then she started asking about how my "wife" helped. I mentioned that she helped with the books the first night after class. I eventually felt morally compelled to tell her that we were separated, so I reluctantly told her. She didn't appear judgmental at all. She actually asked how I was doing and if I was getting enough sleep. We continued talking about my situation(I kept apologizing about telling her this and she kept assuring it was good). After talking awhile longer she wanted to know if I would eat lunch with her and she asked for my number.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*My Son*
For the last few days my son has been acting weird, like a junkie to be exact. I've seen that look before, from known addicts in the past. That look in his eyes like "only one thing matters and everything is just an obstacle and 
I need to figure out how to get around it to get high" look. I question sometimes if he does the normal things like washing, brushing his teeth, changing his underwear, etc. I cook but he rarely eats.
At work he was acting a little anxious and he would just do everything quickly and carelessly. I'm concern when he does that, for safety reasons. 
Yesterday we were going back and forth with a few words and I ended that conversation by telling him to bring the dog in. He brought the dog in and the dog was afraid of him. He started throwing the kennel around, cursing(some yelling) and said something about withdrawals. I'm assuming he was saying/asking why I would be treating him this way when he's going through withdrawal. He's always denied being addicted to anything. 
I'm only aware of him vaping, marijuana(CMB or something) and now drinking. He acts more like a coke addict to me, I don't know. I do know alcoholics are mean when they're sober, right?
Lately he has also been saying things to question me as a parent and a father. One other thing, he mentioned that he didn't even know anything about a dollar[money] until he was a teen or in his 20s or something. He just yells out things but never willing to discuss anything. I've tried to talk to him. I've asked if someone ever touched him or hurt him. He's always said no, but something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> *My Son*
> For the last few days my son has been acting weird, like a junkie to be exact. I've seen that look before, from known addicts in the past. That look in his eyes like "only one thing matters and everything is just an obstacle and
> I need to figure out how to get around it to get high" look. I question sometimes if he does the normal things like washing, brushing his teeth, changing his underwear, etc. I cook but he rarely eats.
> At work he was acting a little anxious and he would just do everything quickly and carelessly. I'm concern when he does that, for safety reasons.
> Yesterday we were going back and forth with a few words and I ended that conversation by telling him to bring the dog in. He brought the dog in and the dog was afraid of him. He started throwing the kennel around, cursing(some yelling) and said something about withdrawals. I'm assuming he was saying/asking why I would be treating him this way when he's going through withdrawal. He's always denied being addicted to anything.
> I'm only aware of him vaping, marijuana(CMB or something) and now drinking. He acts more like a coke addict to me, I don't know. I do know alcoholics are mean when they're sober, right?
> Lately he has also been saying things to question me as a parent and a father. One other thing, he mentioned that he didn't even know anything about a dollar[money] until he was a teen or in his 20s or something. He just yells out things but never willing to discuss anything. I've tried to talk to him. I've asked if someone ever touched him or hurt him. He's always said no, but something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong.


One thing that is wrong is he has a dad that is weak and never taught him self discipline. He should be worried about you and you’re worried about him kicking your arse.

Of course something is wrong. He’s an addict. 
At this point, you can get him in rehab, but until he wants to be rehabbed, it won’t stick.
It may never stick. You should probably figure out what you’re going to do with a 40 year old gamer/addict who lives in your house and harasses you. 

There’s your 2x4 from someone on the outside looking in.

btw, what are you going to do when you meet some lady that you want a relationship with?
Abandon your son and live with her? Because no woman is going to live with you and your son. Gotta get the son thing straightened out. I’d do that, get divorced…….. before you go getting serious with some new honey. Not that you are. Just sayin.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> One thing that is wrong is he has a dad that is weak and never taught him self discipline. He should be worried about you and you’re worried about him kicking your arse.
> 
> Of course something is wrong. He’s an addict.
> At this point, you can get him in rehab, but until he wants to be rehabbed, it won’t stick.
> It may never stick. You should probably figure out what you’re going to do with a 40 year old gamer/addict who lives in your house and harasses you.
> 
> There’s your 2x4 from someone on the outside looking in.
> 
> btw, what are you going to do when you meet some lady that you want a relationship with?
> Abandon your son and live with her? Because no woman is going to live with you and your son. Gotta get the son thing straightened out. I’d do that, get divorced…….. before you go getting serious with some new honey. Not that you are. Just sayin.


I hear ya. I'm not physically afraid of my son. I do feel sorry for him. 

Meeting someone new is not on my radar right now, but if that happens(and I re-marry) she would be the woman of the house, 2nd in command.


----------



## MrBigBoy

While riding in the car with my son today I mentioned that a student asked me to join her for lunch. He asked was I going to and I said, "No." And he asked, "why?" I told him because I was still married. What he said next sorta made me feel weird. He said, "Your "wife" is in another state. I don't call that a marriage dad. I call that cheating." 
I'm still sorta numb. I feel like I'm the only one who is not completely seeing this.


----------



## Evinrude58

It’s because you are. Your son is right, although he’s super blunt with you and doesn’t seem to have a lot of empathy.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm still sorta numb. I feel like I'm the only one who is not completely seeing this.


You're still high on hopium, man. You gotta put down that pipe! The withdrawal does suck, but you'll get through it, and life really is better on the other side.


----------



## Chuck71

OP.....if you recall what set my mind forth to D my then W after 15 years was ....

the simple fact she walked out on me. Would be home Fri to Sun but gone Mon-Th.

Didn't work for me. I dropped D papers in her lap. That will be ten years ago this November.

Ever regret it? NEVER....


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> While riding in the car with my son today I mentioned that a student asked me to join her for lunch. He asked was I going to and I said, "No." And he asked, "why?" I told him because I was still married. What he said next sorta made me feel weird. He said, "Your "wife" is in another state. I don't call that a marriage dad. I call that cheating."
> I'm still sorta numb. I feel like I'm the only one who is not completely seeing this.


Kids know more than you think. Sounds like he knows something that you want to ignore. Denial is a temporary comfort zone.
It also sounds like he is disappointed in how you’ve let your wife walk all over you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s because you are. Your son is right, although he’s super blunt with you and doesn’t seem to have a lot of empathy.


I personally think he has empathy, I think he just hates what his mother is doing.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TurnedTurtle said:


> You're still high on hopium, man. You gotta put down that pipe! The withdrawal does suck, but you'll get through it, and life really is better on the other side.


Hopium? Yeah, possibly.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> OP.....if you recall what set my mind forth to D my then W after 15 years was ....
> 
> the simple fact she walked out on me. Would be home Fri to Sun but gone Mon-Th.
> 
> Didn't work for me. I dropped D papers in her lap. That will be ten years ago this November.
> 
> Ever regret it? NEVER....


Did you remarry?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Kids know more than you think. Sounds like he knows something that you want to ignore. Denial is a temporary comfort zone.
> It also sounds like he is disappointed in how you’ve let your wife walk all over you.


Yeah, you could be right with the letting the wife walk all over me. 

Its still hard but I can definitely feel it getting easier, every day. 

Really feels weird to think another woman would want me.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah, you could be right with the letting the wife walk all over me.
> 
> Its still hard but I can definitely feel it getting easier, every day.
> 
> Really feels weird to think another woman would want me.


That should tell you something. Bud the Calvary isn’t going to come and save you. You’re going to have to do that.
Keep this in mind. While a woman maybe attracted to you (they don’t give you their number unless they are) you can have a good life. However, I doubt it’ll go far unless you clean up your act.
Your son knows something (don’t be surprised at what’s going on) and it’s probably eating him up. Set him down and have a heart to hear talk. So far you don’t seem to want to know. Get off the hopium pipe.
I’ve never seen any problem resolved by doing nothing or ignoring.
I suspect right now you don’t want to know. That way you don’t have to deal with it. That’s the best way to keep yourself in limbo. This is on you. No one else.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah, you could be right with the letting the wife walk all over me.
> 
> Its still hard but I can definitely feel it getting easier, every day.
> 
> Really feels weird to think another woman would want me.


Get rid of the old before you get into the new ... get your wife gone from your life and your head before you try to REALLY start anything new.
Going to lunch is one thing -- trying to get into a deep relationship is something else.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> *Yeah, you could be right with the letting the wife walk all over me.*
> 
> Its still hard but I can definitely feel it getting easier, every day.
> 
> Really feels weird to think another woman would want me.


Nope, it sounds like he knows what’s going on. Bringing up cheating means he knows his mom has a boyfriend. Keeping yourself in limbo is getting you what?

Walkaway wives normally don’t leave unless they have some one to go to. Don’t be surprised if she has even introduced him to your son.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> That should tell you something. Bud the Calvary isn’t going to come and save you. You’re going to have to do that.
> Keep this in mind. While a woman maybe attracted to you (they don’t give you their number unless they are) you can have a good life. However, I doubt it’ll go far unless you clean up your act.
> Your son knows something (don’t be surprised at what’s going on) and it’s probably eating him up. Set him down and have a heart to hear talk. So far you don’t seem to want to know. Get off the hopium pipe.
> I’ve never seen any problem resolved by doing nothing or ignoring.
> I suspect right now you don’t want to know. That way you don’t have to deal with it. That’s the best way to keep yourself in limbo. This is on you. No one else.


I will talk with my son. Just not sure what to say.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> Get rid of the old before you get into the new ... get your wife gone from your life and your head before you try to REALLY start anything new.
> Going to lunch is one thing -- trying to get into a deep relationship is something else.


I understand. My way of thinking has always been its easier to get over a woman if you date another. And I'm not interested in that woman from class that wants to eat lunch with me.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I understand. My way of thinking has always been its easier to get over a woman if you date another. And I'm not interested in that woman from class that wants to eat lunch with me.


IMO the worst thing you need right now is a rebound situation. You have enough problems. You don’t need more. You are correct.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Nope, it sounds like he knows what’s going on. Bringing up cheating means he knows his mom has a boyfriend. Keeping yourself in limbo is getting you what?
> 
> Walkaway wives normally don’t leave unless they have some one to go to. Don’t be surprised if she has even introduced him to your son.


Possibly, I will talk with my son. The first time she left(for 90 days) my son was with her for the first 30 days and then he came back home. Maybe he does know something. My son and my daughter used to hang out at her job from time to time. 

I did find material(a letter years ago(maybe 6 years ago)) that she had to confess to. She was getting pretty close to a coworker. And a few months later(years ago) she was once in a car accident(after work) and while talking with the lawyer at the lawyers office I notice on the document report that there was another passenger in the car with her. It was that guy from her job, his name was listed on the document. She said she was giving him a lift from work. She has always denied anything physical. She said he was there to just "talk" with her, what she "needed." 
The guys ex girlfriend worked with my "wife" and that guy(I forgot how I found out- I think my "wife" told me). I talked with the guy's ex and she didn't really know but seem willing to talk to me.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I will talk with my son. Just not sure what to say.


If it were me I’d just ask him. You said you considered your mom was cheating. Do you know something I don’t? Or what did you mean by that? Your son is an adult. It’s not as if you’re bringing a child into this. From the way you said he was acting having this on his chest isn’t going to help him or you. 
It really doesn’t matter much but you seem to be stuck. 
I’ve seen people stuck in these situations for years. Where do you want to be a year from now? Then think of what you have to do to get there. Living on hopium is getting you what?
The other thing is have you ever taken your son out to a movie and pizza? Just you and him. Spend some quality time with him. It doesn’t matter what. That would probably be good for the both of you.
Get yourself out of limbo and you maybe able to bring him along with you.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Possibly, I will talk with my son. The first time she left(for 90 days) my son was with her for the first 30 days and then he came back home. Maybe he does know something. My son and my daughter used to hang out at her job from time to time.
> 
> I did find material(a letter years ago(maybe 6 years ago)) that she had to confess to. She was getting pretty close to a coworker. And a few months later(years ago) she was once in a car accident(after work) and while talking with the lawyer at the lawyers office I notice on the document report that there was another passenger in the car with her. It was that guy from her job, his name was listed on the document. She said she was giving him a lift from work. *She has always denied anything physical.* She said he was there to just "talk" with her, what she "needed."
> The guys ex girlfriend worked with my "wife" and that guy(I forgot how I found out- I think my "wife" told me). I talked with the guy's ex and she didn't really know but seem willing to talk to me.


They always do. Read through a few here and learn. Many don’t want to know the truth. It makes it easier not having to make a decision or deal with a problem. That’s how you stay in limbo. 
The reality is she’s gone. Let her go and make a life for yourself. You can’t fix her. You’ve got enough on your plate fixing yourself.
Its your choice. Move forward or stay where you are.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> If it were me I’d just ask him. You said you considered your mom was cheating. Do you know something I don’t? Or what did you mean by that? Your son is an adult. It’s not as if you’re bringing a child into this. From the way you said he was acting having this on his chest isn’t going to help him or you.
> It really doesn’t matter much but you seem to be stuck.
> I’ve seen people stuck in these situations for years. Where do you want to be a year from now? Then think of what you have to do to get there. Living on hopium is getting you what?
> The other thing is have you ever taken your son out to a movie and pizza? Just you and him. Spend some quality time with him. It doesn’t matter what. That would probably be good for the both of you.
> Get yourself out of limbo and you maybe able to bring him along with you.


I plan to have that conversation with him soon. I don't plan to be stuck here in hopiumland for long. We're actually planning to hang out this weekend. We're thinking about kayaking, fishing or golfing this weekend. Thanks for the suggestion, I really appreciate that Marc.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> They always do. Read through a few here and learn. Many don’t want to know the truth. It makes it easier not having to make a decision or deal with a problem. That’s how you stay in limbo.
> The reality is she’s gone. Let her go and make a life for yourself. You can’t fix her. You’ve got enough on your plate fixing yourself.
> Its your choice. Move forward or stay where you are.


Thanks


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Taxes*
My wife texted me tonight. She wants our(me and my son's) w2s. She's saying that she's going to file the taxes, our taxes. She also asked for he scorp form that I get for the business. Should I be:

#1. sending her our W2s for her to file for us?
#2. telling her to send me her W2s and I add her when I file for us?
#3. telling her no that I will file with my son and she will file as single?
#4. worried?


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> *Taxes*
> My wife texted me tonight. She wants our(me and my son's) w2s. She's saying that she's going to file the taxes, our taxes. She also asked for he scorp form that I get for the business. Should I be:
> 
> #1. sending her our W2s for her to file for us?
> #2. telling her to send me her W2s and I add her when I file for us?
> #3. telling her no that I will file with my son and she will file as single?
> #4. worried?


Dude, you should be talking with your attorney, who would know your finances. You'll get a better answer than we can give.


----------



## Evinrude58

Your wife had a man from work you’ve known she was seeing and he was in the car when she had a wreck? Anyone with a brain could see your wife is a cheater, and has been for years. You are not this naive. You just don’t want to accept the truth.
Don’t give your wife any w-2’s until you talk to an attorney and start the divorce. Your wife is not your lover, and she sure as heck isn’t your friend. Anything she does with w-2’s will be for her benefit alone. Anything you might get back will go direct deposit into her acct only. If you have to pay, it’ll come stesight out of yours, not hers. 
You are going to ask your son about her cheating, but do it in a way that he is assured that you already know, because let’s face it, you do. He isn’t going to want to tell you what his mother has been doing.
It is obvious to anyone that your wife has been cheating for years. You shouldn’t even have to ask.


----------



## Chuck71

> Chuck71 said:
> OP.....if you recall what set my mind forth to D my then W after 15 years was ....
> 
> the simple fact she walked out on me. Would be home Fri to Sun but gone Mon-Th.
> 
> Didn't work for me. I dropped D papers in her lap. That will be ten years ago this November.
> 
> Ever regret it? NEVER....


*Did you remarry?*

Yes I did. I dated post-D g/f for just under two years. I dated around for two years and got my freak on. 

Then met my W in 2017. We M last year, would have in 2020 but everyone closed down over the China flu.

It's all detailed in my Crossroads II and III threads.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

You are not divorced yet, correct? If so, you are still legally married, and thus your choices are to file taxes either as Married Filing Jointly or Married Filing Separately. Your son is likely a single adult who would file his own taxes, unless there is some special circumstance by which he would still be considered a dependent of you and your wife. So I'm not sure why she needs his tax forms to file your taxes.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> *Taxes*
> My wife texted me tonight. She wants our(me and my son's) w2s. She's saying that she's going to file the taxes, our taxes. She also asked for he scorp form that I get for the business. Should I be:
> 
> #1. sending her our W2s for her to file for us?
> #2. telling her to send me her W2s and I add her when I file for us?
> #3. telling her no that I will file with my son and she will file as single?
> #4. worried?


This is attorney question? Do you have one yet?


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> *Taxes*
> My wife texted me tonight. She wants our(me and my son's) w2s. She's saying that she's going to file the taxes, our taxes. She also asked for he scorp form that I get for the business. Should I be:
> 
> #1. sending her our W2s for her to file for us?
> #2. telling her to send me her W2s and I add her when I file for us?
> #3. telling her no that I will file with my son and she will file as single?
> #4. worried?



after three months in this forum all you've done basically is ask, and ask, and ask, but as far as I can gather, you've done little to nothing of what people is telling you. Where is that lawyer that you should have gotten almost three months ago? 

You seem unable to move a finger without someone's input. What gives? do you lack capacity to take your own decisions? after three months are you still paralyzed in fears? or is it that you just lack the courage to do a thing? 

As for your questions: LAWYER, LAWYER, LAWYER, that's whom you need to be asking these questions, like three months ago.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife had a man from work you’ve known she was seeing and he was in the car when she had a wreck? Anyone with a brain could see your wife is a cheater, and has been for years. You are not this naive. You just don’t want to accept the truth.
> Don’t give your wife any w-2’s until you talk to an attorney and start the divorce. Your wife is not your lover, and she sure as heck isn’t your friend. Anything she does with w-2’s will be for her benefit alone. Anything you might get back will go direct deposit into her acct only. If you have to pay, it’ll come stesight out of yours, not hers.
> You are going to ask your son about her cheating, but do it in a way that he is assured that you already know, because let’s face it, you do. He isn’t going to want to tell you what his mother has been doing.
> It is obvious to anyone that your wife has been cheating for years. You shouldn’t even have to ask.


She said it was not physical.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> *Did you remarry?*
> 
> Yes I did. I dated post-D g/f for just under two years. I dated around for two years and got my freak on.
> 
> Then met my W in 2017. We M last year, would have in 2020 but everyone closed down over the China flu.
> 
> It's all detailed in my Crossroads II and III threads.


How long were you married to your first wife? Are you still married to the 2nd wife?


----------



## MrBigBoy

TurnedTurtle said:


> You are not divorced yet, correct? If so, you are still legally married, and thus your choices are to file taxes either as Married Filing Jointly or Married Filing Separately. Your son is likely a single adult who would file his own taxes, unless there is some special circumstance by which he would still be considered a dependent of you and your wife. So I'm not sure why she needs his tax forms to file your taxes.


I'm pretty sure In the past she's always filed our son as a dependent. 

We currently have IRS payments that are being garnished from our joint account, which is why we're keeping that banking account active. 

I asked her yesterday about her wanting the business forms, she said she needed the Schedule K form, and she suggested that I check with my cpa if I didn't trust her. I do remember vaguely adding something to the personal taxes from that form. The Schedule K is a page from my corp tax return. I will contact my cpa to get a clearer understanding, though.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> This is attorney question? Do you have one yet?


Not yet. I know a retired attorney I'll ask for referrals. Not sure If I can afford one.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> after three months in this forum all you've done basically is ask, and ask, and ask, but as far as I can gather, you've done little to nothing of what people is telling you. Where is that lawyer that you should have gotten almost three months ago?
> 
> You seem unable to move a finger without someone's input. What gives? do you lack capacity to take your own decisions? after three months are you still paralyzed in fears? or is it that you just lack the courage to do a thing?
> 
> As for your questions: LAWYER, LAWYER, LAWYER, that's whom you need to be asking these questions, like three months ago.


I'm going to look into getting a lawyer. 

In the last few months, I have been weaker than I have ever been. I am afraid. Scared. Hurt. Desperate. Hurt. Alone. Lonely. Scared. But I am taking little steps. Being here on this site is a step. The books, materials that I have read and current reading. Every day it does seems a little easier. I put my trust in you guys here and believed it would get better. 
I admit that I should be moving faster on the legal end, and I will. Even though I truly believe that she plans to stay legally married, but live separate lives. I think she wants to friend me. I'm not okay with that. But I will move faster on the legal end. Thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Class: Anxiety/Social Anxiety*
I was a little hesitant about going to class last night, but I did. And I'm glad that I did. I talked with the instructor more last night. We talked about a few things and a few other students joined in. That felt good. Either I'm working or at home, that's all that I do. But this was a good start of the class for me. 

During the class there was more talking, and after about 30 minutes of class the instructor told everyone to get up and he led us out of the room and out of the building to demonstrate something in the courtyard of the campus. The sun was just setting and it was a nice night. Warm outside. Beautiful night. That female student that wanted to eat lunch with me stood behind right outside the classroom door and actually waited for me while the others walked past her and she walked behind with me. We talked the whole time, walking behind. And just before we exited the building(we're all standing there waiting) she reached her hand up to my mask to rub something off and said, "You have something on your mask." I was kind of shocked and she quickly dropped her hand like she suddenly realized that I wasn't her man. I could tell she was slightly embarrassed, but we talked on. There was a lot of good talking(and mingling) out there with the instructor and the classmates. 

On the way back in, walking with that female student, a male student(my age) was close to us so I started talking with him also. And we had a good conversation going. And I notice that the female student politely allowed space for that conversation to manifest. She eventually walked forward while me and that guy continued talking business. And we stood out for a few more minutes really talking, while the others were in the class. We eventually went in. 

Later, back in the classroom, there was a lot of talking and interaction. It was awesome(for me). This younger female student walked over to me and asked me if I had an item that we are supposed to buy. Earlier I gave her and another student something that they didn't have. But she walked over to me to assured me to not buy it and that she would have enough to give me. 

After class, while packing my things, I gave my number to that slightly older male student at my desk, in case I missed another day. And for the sake of just making friends. Cool guy. We stood there talking and that guy that I was talking to coming back in from that outside demonstration joined in, so now it's us 3 guys talking. That female(who wants to eat lunch) waves, smiles and leaves the room. The 3 of us walking and talking our way out of the building. The slightly older guy that sits at my desk says his goodbyes in the parking lot. And that other guy and I continued talking, for 2 more hours there in the parking lot, exchanging business tips and ideas. I didn't realized the time. We both admitted that it was fun talking to someone about this side of the business that we were talking on. We exchanged contacts.

Later when I got home I checked my phone(it was turned off),I saw that the female student(the one who wants to eat lunch with me) had actually just called minutes after leaving the classroom, when I was walking out and talking with the other 2 guys.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> She said it was not physical.


Dude……
They always SAY that. It’s a classic cheater line. My ex told me the same.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> She said it was not physical.


😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣, yeah right.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm going to look into getting a lawyer.
> 
> In the last few months, I have been weaker than I have ever been. I am afraid. Scared. Hurt. Desperate. Hurt. Alone. Lonely. Scared. But I am taking little steps. Being here on this site is a step. The books, materials that I have read and current reading. Every day it does seems a little easier. I put my trust in you guys here and believed it would get better.
> I admit that I should be moving faster on the legal end, and I will. Even though I truly believe that she plans to stay legally married, but live separate lives. I think she wants to friend me. I'm not okay with that. But I will move faster on the legal end. Thanks.


Typical cake eater. You can only be a chump if you allow it. So far its working out great for her. How do you like it?


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> She said it was not physical.


Yeah and cheaters NEVER lie, right? She has shown you that she is not trustworthy -- so why would you believe her?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> She said it was not physical.


No man is going to stay in an affair, unless it becomes physical.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> No man is going to stay in an affair, unless it becomes physical.


I agree. But she never actually confessed or admitted to an affair. I can only suspect.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Dude……
> They always SAY that. It’s a classic cheater line. My ex told me the same.


So how/when did you find out the truth?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> I agree. But she never actually confessed or admitted to an affair. I can only suspect.


She will not admit anything, short of her being on her deathbed with 5 minutes to live and coughing up blood. 
You have to go with what a male would do in that situation and that is an unwillingness to have an affair unless there is sex involved.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> So how/when did you find out the truth?


You only need enough proof for you. A lot never get the truth. Or even look for it. This isn’t a court of law.
Some choose to live in denial not wanting to know. It’s a false comfort zone. Anything to avoid making decision. 
In essence you keep yourself in limbo. Maybe when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you’ll make a decision. It’s your choice on how *YOU* want to live your life. 
Cake Eaters love indecision. It makes their life easier.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> So how/when did you find out the truth?


I couldn’t figure out why my ex suddenly wanted a divorce after 18 years together. So I got on this site. I was immediately overwhelmed with people here telling me she was cheating, after telling my story.
So I started digging and quickly found out what she was up to. I confronted her, and of course the evidence was damning, but she still to this day claims “it was never physical”. She’s a total liar. 4 days later I find out she’s still chasing men and I “kicked her out”—— at her request. Lol.
It was the most terrible experience I ever went through.
Glad I ditched the witch.
You will be too. The quicker you get out of that relationship, the quicker you can heal and move on and be happy again.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> You only need enough proof for you. A lot never get the truth. Or even look for it. This isn’t a court of law.
> Some choose to live in denial not wanting to know. It’s a false comfort zone. Anything to avoid making decision.
> In essence you keep yourself in limbo. Maybe when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you’ll make a decision. It’s your choice on how *YOU* want to live your life.
> Cake Eaters love indecision. It makes their life easier.


Cake Eaters? 

I'm not gonna stay in Limboland. I am not saying that she didn't cheat, I just have no proof to say she did. I'm moving on, not just because she left. I can not accept this even if she eventually comes to terms with her leaving was a mistake and wants to come back. I am better than what she can presently offer. But its going to take time. She's been my life for 32 years. One day at a time. "It gets easier everyday. "


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> I couldn’t figure out why my ex suddenly wanted a divorce after 18 years together. So I got on this site. I was immediately overwhelmed with people here telling me she was cheating, after telling my story.
> So I started digging and quickly found out what she was up to. I confronted her, and of course the evidence was damning, but she still to this day claims “it was never physical”. She’s a total liar. 4 days later I find out she’s still chasing men and I “kicked her out”—— at her request. Lol.
> It was the most terrible experience I ever went through.
> Glad I ditched the witch.
> You will be too. The quicker you get out of that relationship, the quicker you can heal and move on and be happy again.


But what type of evidence did you find? If you don't mind me asking.


----------



## Evinrude58

I found her Twitter account, Instagram, etc.
Men all over the world were having a ball sexting, exchanging pics and videos with me ex. She knew most were married, even.
My 13 yr old son had found out what she was doing by seeing her “kik” account, as I found out later. 
It is what it is. Like you said, she left.
Make no mistake, your wife was/is cheating.
And it makes them lose all feelings for their spouse when they give them away to someone else. You might as well be a stranger to her now. 
I’m sorry. It’s hard to wrap one’s head around.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> I found her Twitter account, Instagram, etc.
> Men all over the world were having a ball sexting, exchanging pics and videos with me ex. She knew most were married, even.
> My 13 yr old son had found out what she was doing by seeing her “kik” account, as I found out later.
> It is what it is. Like you said, she left.
> Make no mistake, your wife was/is cheating.
> And it makes them lose all feelings for their spouse when they give them away to someone else. You might as well be a stranger to her now.
> I’m sorry. It’s hard to wrap one’s head around.


So your wife never really physically cheated, it was all sexting, videos and pics?


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> But what type of evidence did you find? If you don't mind me asking.


You weren't asking me, but in my case detailed call histories from our cell phone provider showed that my STBXWW and the Other Man were talking multiple times a day, multiple days per week, sometimes adding up to hours per day. I snuck on to her computer and recovered e-mails between them, and I snuck her phone away when she was sleeping and recovered deleted texts and pictures, along with her web browsing history, note pad files, location data, stuff like that. In addition, I caught her in some lies. There was nothing particularly salacious in any of the above, but collectively it was a damming indictment of an emotional affair, which she ultimately did admit to...

In your case, you have your adult son who lives with you, but presumably has seen his mother together with her affair partner, tell you that she is cheating. She has moved out, and where is she living? Do you even know? From all that you've been telling us, we readers have to assume that she must be living with another man... You can figure this out!

But you've already made up your mind that you are not going to take her back, so not clear why you need evidence of her cheating -- except perhaps to light a fire under your butt and make you angry enough to hurry up and D her!


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> So your wife never really physically cheated, it was all sexting, videos and pics?


I 100% believe she had sex with other men, but I couldn’t care less. Why would I stay with that?


----------



## MrBigBoy

TurnedTurtle said:


> You weren't asking me, but in my case detailed call histories from our cell phone provider showed that my STBXWW and the Other Man were talking multiple times a day, multiple days per week, sometimes adding up to hours per day. I snuck on to her computer and recovered e-mails between them, and I snuck her phone away when she was sleeping and recovered deleted texts and pictures, along with her web browsing history, note pad files, location data, stuff like that. In addition, I caught her in some lies. There was nothing particularly salacious in any of the above, but collectively it was a damming indictment of an emotional affair, which she ultimately did admit to...
> 
> In your case, you have your adult son who lives with you, but presumably has seen his mother together with her affair partner, tell you that she is cheating. She has moved out, and where is she living? Do you even know? From all that you've been telling us, we readers have to assume that she must be living with another man... You can figure this out!
> 
> But you've already made up your mind that you are not going to take her back, so not clear why you need evidence of her cheating -- except perhaps to light a fire under your butt and make you angry enough to hurry up and D her!


Generally, I wouldn't instantly leave if it were just an emotional affair that she admitted to, as long as she was saying that she felt unwanted by me and really wanted to work it out. That's just me. 

I posted earlier that she is living with her mother. She is still living with her mother.

My son has no proof that she cheated at all. He just spoke what he thought I was feeling. Some of it I think was him just being upset with her leaving. And I get that. Deep down he seemed to think like me, "you fix family you don't walk away. " My son would have told me at that time if he suspected anything. 

I made up my mind that I have to move on because I would not consider her stable enough for me. Even if she's never cheated.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> I 100% believe she had sex with other men, but I couldn’t care less. Why would I stay with that?


You believe? To _me_ that means that you have no rational, tangible proof. If I saw used men underwear in my "wife's" car, or if I read her texts ex, "you were great in bed last night," or "I miss holding you," ,etc. Then that believe would be substantiated.


----------



## Evinrude58

I didn’t care whether there was “enough proof”.
What she was doing that I did have proof of was more than enough to know that I wasn’t staying with her.
You seem to think as long as it wasn’t physical that you’d work it out. What my opinion (I know what that’s worth, nothing) is, is that the affair(s) whether emotional or physical, are just evidence that the love one’s spouse has is basically zero. And I also believe that once a woman falls out of love with a man, it’s never coming back or at the very least, not coming back anywhere close to what it was and where it should be.

once the switch has been turned off, it’s busted. It can never be turned back on.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> Generally, I wouldn't instantly leave if it were just an emotional affair that she admitted to, as long as she was saying that she felt unwanted by me and really wanted to work it out. That's just me.


I didn't instantly leave, we attempted to reconcile, but that attempt shined a light on an underlying problem that had been haunting our marriage for decades, one for which, unfortunately, there is no good resolution -- thus our separation and coming divorce....


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> Not yet. I know a retired attorney I'll ask for referrals. Not sure If I can afford one.


My friend, you can't afford NOT to have an attorney.

Don't be penny wise and pound foolish.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> You believe? To _me_ that means that you have no rational, tangible proof. If I saw used men underwear in my "wife's" car, or if I read her texts ex, "you were great in bed last night," or "I miss holding you," ,etc. Then that believe would be substantiated.


Where there’s smoke there’s usually fire. Some stay no matter what.


----------



## Chuck71

Implied intent..... bury yourself in the sand or be awoken. Your choice.....


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> Generally, I wouldn't instantly leave if it were just an emotional affair that she admitted to, as long as she was saying that she felt unwanted by me and really wanted to work it out. That's just me.
> 
> I posted earlier that she is living with her mother. She is still living with her mother.
> 
> My son has no proof that she cheated at all. He just spoke what he thought I was feeling. Some of it I think was him just being upset with her leaving. And I get that. Deep down he seemed to think like me, "you fix family you don't walk away. " My son would have told me at that time if he suspected anything.
> 
> I made up my mind that I have to move on because I would not consider her stable enough for me. Even if she's never cheated.


She was just "emotionally cheating" but "didn't do anything" physically?

That defense didn't seem to help the late Maurice Wolin on "To Catch a Predator".

Maurice Wolin


----------



## Marc878

It’s apparent You have yourself stuck.
We have no skin in this. It’s your life. You can live it as you please. 
If I were you I’d think about what kind of future I wanted and what I have to do to get there. Life is short.
A year from now where do you want the be?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> It’s apparent You have yourself stuck.
> We have no skin in this. It’s your life. You can live it as you please.
> If I were you I’d think about what kind of future I wanted and what I have to do to get there. Life is short.
> A year from now where do you want the be?


Im not going to stay where I am.


----------



## MrBigBoy

My "wife" texted me(about 20 mins ago) asking where our son was and that he wasn't texting or accepting her calls, apparently for days. I told her he was here. So I asked my son why he wasn't corresponding with her and he said that it felt uncomfortable talking to her under the circumstance. So I told her that. But she kept calling him and he answered. They're talking now. She's asking him about things here.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> My "wife" texted me(about 20 mins ago) asking where our son was and that he wasn't texting or accepting her calls, apparently for days. I told her he was here. So I asked my son why he wasn't corresponding with her and he said that it felt uncomfortable talking to her under the circumstance. So I told her that. But she kept calling him and he answered. They're talking now. She's asking him about things here.


Keeping yourself involved in that gets you what? She left. Let her figure it out. Learn to ignore or stay bound. Your son is an adult.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Im not going to stay where I am.


So what’s your plan? Do you have one?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Keeping yourself involved in that gets you what? She left. Let her figure it out. Learn to ignore or stay bound. Your son is an adult.


After the call: My son says he really doesn't want to talk to her again. I told him he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. I don't think he will talk to her again.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> So what’s your plan? Do you have one?


My plan is to talk to an attorney, indulge into my work, work on my social skills, and take needed vacations with the companion of several call girls.


----------



## Marc878

This is thing. No timeframe then it really isn’t a plan.
Contact is up to you. Any contact resets the clock.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. She wanted out and left. Let her go. Give her what she wanted. She doesn’t mind interfering with your life and is setting the rules for you to follow. It’s all for her. You don’t matter.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> This is thing. No timeframe then it really isn’t a plan.
> Contact is up to you. Any contact resets the clock.


No contact as in no texting, calls or emailing?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> This is thing. No timeframe then it really isn’t a plan.
> Contact is up to you. Any contact resets the clock.


How long with would you recommend going without contact to where the clock resetting wont occur anymore?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> This is thing. No timeframe then it really isn’t a plan.
> Contact is up to you. Any contact resets the clock.
> 
> Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. She wanted out and left. Let her go. Give her what she wanted. She doesn’t mind interfering with your life and is setting the rules for you to follow. It’s all for her. You don’t matter.


What do you mean by this: "Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> My plan is to talk to an attorney, indulge into my work, work on my social skills, and take needed vacations with the companion of several call girls.


Uh...that last part would typically be a bad idea.


----------



## Evinrude58

Call girls? Is that for real?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> No contact as in no texting, calls or emailing?


No contact means no contact. You don’t have underage children, etc. Do you want control of your life? Do you want to move on or stay stuck?
What is continued contact getting you? Read up on the 180. Right now you seem to be waiting, hoping she’ll come back. No actions = no change








The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


----------



## Marc878

Years ago I had an ongoing issue with an employee. After awhile I went to see HR about it. She said I’m looking at his file and It shows no problem. He’s a perfect employee. You’ve never reported it or written him up for a thing. 
That’s when I realized I was the problem. I let him make his problem mine.
Right now your wife isn’t your problem. You are.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> What do you mean by this: "Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."


Your wife left. Instead of letting her go you maintain contact. Your life is on hold for her. What happens every time she contacts you? You probably get in a funk for awhile. That’s what contact does.
This thread started in November of last year. You’ve kept yourself stuck. No one can help you with that.


----------



## Marc878

Life isn’t fair sometimes you either make the best of it or not.


----------



## Mr.Married

November 27 until February 28

You still have no lawyer

You still play “contact with wife” games

Everyone is wasting their time and breath.

You are exactly where you want to be.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Call girls? Is that for real?


I was joking about that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> No contact means no contact. You don’t have underage children, etc. Do you want control of your life? Do you want to move on or stay stuck?
> What is continued contact getting you? Read up on the 180. Right now you seem to be waiting, hoping she’ll come back. No actions = no change
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The 180
> 
> 
> Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…
> 
> 
> 
> 
> beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


There's a few business things that she needs and my son has said he would correspond with her to help me shut her out of my life.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Years ago I had an ongoing issue with an employee. After awhile I went to see HR about it. She said I’m looking at his file and It shows no problem. He’s a perfect employee. You’ve never reported it or written him up for a thing.
> That’s when I realized I was the problem. I let him make his problem mine.
> Right now your wife isn’t your problem. You are.


You're right.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Mr.Married said:


> November 27 until February 28
> 
> You still have no lawyer
> 
> You still play “contact with wife” games
> 
> Everyone is wasting their time and breath.
> 
> You are exactly where you want to be.


I don't want to be here, just trying to re learn that I don't have to be here. And I will. Ive made some steps.


----------



## Evinrude58

Until you get an attorney and start the divorce, you’re really spinning your wheels. What are these steps you’ve taken? I can’t see a single reason for you to talk to her.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Until you get an attorney and start the divorce, you’re really spinning your wheels. What are these steps you’ve taken? I can’t see a single reason for you to talk to her.


She's been taking care of the personal taxes. We have a joint account that our irs payments comes out of.


----------



## Marc878

Right now you are keeping yourself in this because that’s what you want. Until that changes you’ll stay where you are. All the advice in the world isn’t going to change that unless you want to. 
its your choice.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Took the day off. Going fishing and then to the golf range with my son today.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Sitting here trying to decide if I will go to work today. 
"*Wife*"
Sometimes I do catch myself thinking of the good times and it makes me a little sad. But I usually follow it up with reminding myself of her other side which was loud, unfiltered, disrespectful and just not willing to cooperate peacefully as a structured unit. And sometimes the thought of her with another really hurts. 
*My Son*
My son asked for advice on how to quit the vaping. He said that he's not as addicted to the marijuana and can stop that. But wanted help with the vaping. 
I also advised that he should read up on violent tempers and behavioral issues. He breaks his things when he's pissed. Can someone recommend a book for this?
*Me*
At 50 years old and out of the dating scene for 32 years I feel lost. How(and where) would you all recommend I go about this?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Sitting here trying to decide if I will go to work today.
> "*Wife*"
> Sometimes I do catch myself thinking of the good times and it makes me a little sad. But I usually follow it up with reminding myself of her other side which was loud, unfiltered, disrespectful and just not willing to cooperate peacefully as a structured unit. And sometimes the thought of her with another really hurts.
> *My Son*
> My son asked for advice on how to quit the vaping. He said that he's not as addicted to the marijuana and can stop that. But wanted help with the vaping.
> I also advised that he should read up on violent tempers and behavioral issues. He breaks his things when he's pissed. Can someone recommend a book for this?
> *Me*
> At 50 years old and out of the dating scene for 32 years I feel lost. How(and where) would you all recommend I go about this?


I had intermittent anger issues when younger. I couldn't help but break something, because the energy was difficult to contain. I will tell you that aim was much improved during those moment when I threw something. It would always hit it's target.

Teach your son a trick I learned over the years. Learn to release the anger over a period of time and not suddenly. There is nothing wrong with sitting in a vehicle and spending a shift calling out whomever you get mad at, without ever meeting that person.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> I had intermittent anger issues when younger. I couldn't help but break something, because the energy was difficult to contain. I will tell you that aim was much improved during those moment when I threw something. It would always hit it's target.
> 
> Teach your son a trick I learned over the years. Learn to release the anger over a period of time and not suddenly. There is nothing wrong with sitting in a vehicle and spending a shift calling out whomever you get mad at, without ever meeting that person.


Thanks jonty. He also did opened up about something, and I think it may be the root of most of this. He said that he felt like he had no purpose in life, or direction. He said that he felt that I thought he was a failure for not completing college. I talked to him about this and told him that I didn't think he was a failure and that I loved him no matter what. I then explained to him that I was not disappointed that he quitted college, but I was disappointed that he never created a plan b.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> I had intermittent anger issues when younger. I couldn't help but break something, because the energy was difficult to contain. I will tell you that aim was much improved during those moment when I threw something. It would always hit it's target.
> 
> Teach your son a trick I learned over the years. Learn to release the anger over a period of time and not suddenly. There is nothing wrong with sitting in a vehicle and spending a shift calling out whomever you get mad at, without ever meeting that person.


lol he also asked me about one of those smash rooms where you pay to go in and destroy things, lol. I just remembered that.


----------



## Diana7

MrBigBoy said:


> There's a few business things that she needs and my son has said he would correspond with her to help me shut her out of my life.


Such as?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> lol he also asked me about one of those smash rooms where you pay to go in and destroy things, lol. I just remembered that.


Old fashioned guys hit the speed bag and heavy bag. 😁


----------



## MrBigBoy

Diana7 said:


> Such as?


The "wife" has been the one filing our taxes(for about 25 years now), with me listed as the head of house, with my son added as a dependent. We also have irs payments being garnished from a shared joint account.


----------



## Diana7

MrBigBoy said:


> The "wife" has been the one filing our taxes(for about 25 years now), with me listed as the head of house, with my son added as a dependent. We also have irs payments being garnished from a shared joint account.


Can't you separate all accounts now? I did that immediately.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Diana7 said:


> Can't you separate all accounts now? I did that immediately.


I have about 8 accounts(4 bus/2 pers(chk/sav)), I'm only sharing *2*(*joint chk*, *joint sav*) with her. Monthly IRS payments are coming out of the checking acc and I told her that the savings acc is there for emergencies if she ever needs something(I've obviously transferred most of my funds out of it). But she's never used it so far.


----------



## Evinrude58

You’re coddling your son. He is not a child.
Smash rooms? Geez.
Go workout in a gym and get healthy. 
sitting around smoking pot and playing video games. You’re allowing that? Crazy.

He’s a talker and manipulator, and you constantly get manipulated.

Simple life fix:
Get a job or get job training
Get healthy
Video games gone

you can’t seem to:
Eliminate video games or drugs in your own home, or tell your son to get a job.

yes, you are disappointed in him. It’s ok to say it. He quit college? Yeah, disappointing. Won’t work. Disappointing. Smokes pot. Disappointing.
He can fix all these things by actually doing something about it rather than telling you what a bad dad you are for making him feel like a failure. You actually bite on that???

telling someone you’re sad that you’re a failure while continuing to do zero, results in continued failure. His option should be get a job or get out. You can’t coddle a kid into self motivation.


----------



## Diana7

MrBigBoy said:


> I have about 8 accounts(4 bus/2 pers(chk/sav)), I'm only sharing *2*(*joint chk*, *joint sav*) with her. Monthly IRS payments are coming out of the checking acc and I told her that the savings acc is there for emergencies if she ever needs something(I've obviously transferred most of my funds out of it). But she's never used it so far.


Best to close these accounts now surely?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Diana7 said:


> Best to close these accounts now surely?


Close the joint account that is paying the irs taxes?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Close the joint account that is paying the irs taxes?


You may have to take some steps to change things. But if you're divorcing your wife, you will have to do those things anyway.
Maybe set a goal for after this year's taxes, so you have a year to establish separate financing.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> You may have to take some steps to change things. But if you're divorcing your wife, you will have to do those things anyway.
> Maybe set a goal for after this year's taxes, so you have a year to establish separate financing.


Yeah, my plan was to file separately for 2022


----------



## Diana7

MrBigBoy said:


> Close the joint account that is paying the irs taxes?


Why cant you each pay your share to the IRS? Presumably you will each pay your own taxes soon?


----------



## Diana7

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah, my plan was to file separately for 2022


Thats good.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Diana7 said:


> Why cant you each pay your share to the IRS? Presumably you will each pay your own taxes soon?


I have no knowledge of this.


----------



## Diana7

MrBigBoy said:


> I have no knowledge of this.


Its surely what happens if you get divorced? You would each pay your own taxes.


----------



## MrBigBoy

How do I start the divorce process?


----------



## MrBigBoy

I think we have to live apart for 12 months. Should I not give her any signs that I am going to do this? The state is NC.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> How do I start the divorce process?


Visit a lawyer is the first step, I believe.
At least as a consultation.

How To Start the Divorce Process: A Step by Step Guide - Law Sit


----------



## Beach123

MrBigBoy said:


> To be honest, I think she wants to stay married(on paper) but not physically.


You mean she intends to use you. 

Don’t think any communication is anything - except designed to manipulate you - and feed her ego when you respond.


----------



## Diana7

MrBigBoy said:


> I think we have to live apart for 12 months. Should I not give her any signs that I am going to do this? The state is NC.


You should be able to find out about the divorce process on line for where you live. Seeing a lawyer for advise will help.


----------



## Evinrude58

Op are you debating on whether to let her go bang other men and stay married to you on paper?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Op are you debating on whether to let her go bang other men and stay married to you on paper?


I didn't say I was okay with what I think her intentions are, just noting what I think.


----------



## Chuck71

Too bad you don't live in TN....60 days. Georgia is just 30 days.

This year long wait for D is ridiculous.


----------



## MrBigBoy

She just emailed asking me to keep our son out of our "personal communication." Not sure what she's reffering to exactly. He's just been telling her that he will send her her W2(from my company) and whatever else to her by email(I don't have her mother's new address to mail it). I just don't want any contact with her. She also mentioned that she will go ahead and file separately. She said that she's going to come here to get her W2 and her Insurance card. I honestly don't want her coming here. I had my son to send pdf files of her W2. I'm thinking of sending her insurance card to someone there for her to pick up.


----------



## Marc878

Learning to ignore is a big step forward.


----------



## Evinrude58

She’s going to turn up the heat if you are finally able to go no contact. She needs to think you’re still on her hook just for the ego boost. She is not interested in anything but herself.
Don’t fall for it


----------



## MrBigBoy

I just finished talking with our health care provider. She hasn't paid since Jan. The card/coverage is deactivated until I pay for 4 months. I'm going to call them back today to see if I can get a decent plan for me and my son. She's bothering me about coming to get her card and it's not even currently active. I don't understand. Her W2 was sent to her and the card is deactivated. No need for her to come here. I'm going to have my son explain this to her in a text.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s going to turn up the heat if you are finally able to go no contact. She needs to think you’re still on her hook just for the ego boost. She is not interested in anything but herself.
> Don’t fall for it


What's usually the mindset for women during this? Is she wanting me to suffer? Why would a woman want to leave and go to something that they think is better but spend even a minute trying to make someone that they leave suffer?


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> What's usually the mindset for women during this? Is she wanting me to suffer? Why would a woman want to leave and go to something that they think is better but spend even a minute trying to make someone that they leave suffer?


The reason this woman used you was because she overestimated her worth to you.
She still thinks, in the back of her mind, that you'll come running back. So, she keeps you dangling.
The only solution is to cut the strings.
However, it may be a huge ego blow for her, when you finally do that. She may go Super Saiyin when you do that, because that will be an unexpected blow to her ego.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> What's usually the mindset for women during this? Is she wanting me to suffer? Why would a woman want to leave and go to something that they think is better but spend even a minute trying to make someone that they leave suffer?


Their mindset is they DO NOT CARE about you. But they DO want you to care for them. Why not? Isn’t it great going through life thinking some poor bastard is pining away for you? Heck, I’d like the heck out of thinking all my exes were stuck on me and never found a man they liked as much or was as good in bed…. Also, if I knew this about them, I could call them up when I was feeling down OR NEEDED SOMETHING that ladies that had no interest in me would laugh in my face if I asked them for it. 
Now this is not really my mindset, but it is for a lot of people.

You are being used. You’re scared to tell her to screw off and get her own insurance and file her own taxes. Do that. But nothing else. Just hang up the phone. And don’t answer it when she calls back. Block her immediately.
All communication through your lawyer. Have you really got one? Use them.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> What's usually the mindset for women during this? Is she wanting me to suffer? Why would a woman want to leave and go to something that they think is better but spend even a minute trying to make someone that they leave suffer?


It’s not about you. It’s for her.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> The reason this woman used you was because she overestimated her worth to you.
> She still thinks, in the back of her mind, that you'll come running back. So, she keeps you dangling.
> The only solution is to cut the strings.
> However, it may be a huge ego blow for her, when you finally do that. She may go Super Saiyin when you do that, because that will be an unexpected blow to her ego.


wow


----------



## MrBigBoy

Just got an email from her(I haven't text or emailed her directly for awhile now. My son has, for me). I would like to post her email here if that's okay?


----------



## MrBigBoy

At this point I think everything that she does has a hidden agenda. This is what she sent:[ _I was falling asleep while writing the email last night. I forgot to mention that I will be speaking to some life insurance agents this afternoon. I will be giving them your contact information just in case you may be interested in getting some for yourself_. ]


----------



## MrBigBoy

Is she wanting to stay legally married(but separately) and hoping I'd die before her for money??


----------



## Beach123

Only respond saying you have your w-2 info and your insurance isn’t active since you have made no payments this year.

That’s it. Don’t even sign your name!


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> At this point I think everything that she does has a hidden agenda. This is what she sent:[ _I was falling asleep while writing the email last night. I forgot to mention that I will be speaking to some life insurance agents this afternoon. I will be giving them your contact information just in case you may be interested in getting some for yourself_. ]


BS translator: I want to be friends so that I can keep you at arms length in case you’re needed. I need this for me but I really don’t give a damn about you😁
Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Meanwhile this has been going on since November 2021 and you’re doing what? Analyzing about what things mean, etc. Her actions tell you what you need to know. No one can help you. 
Drop the hopium pipe.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Is she wanting to stay legally married(but separately) and hoping I'd die before her for money??


What does it matter? She dumped you and left. Yet you’re standing around flat footed wondering what she’s up to. You are in limbo because you choose to be. A bad case of analysis paralysis.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> What does it matter? She dumped you and left. Yet you’re standing around flat footed wondering what she’s up to. You are in limbo because you choose to be. A bad case of analysis paralysis.


Im not in limbo. We have to be separated for 1 year here. I am focusing on me. I just finished a class and will be getting my certificate by Monday. I will be looking to join another class, and other things. I talked with my neighbor(who lives about 1.5 miles from me) who is a retired attorney. I'm focusing on me, my son and my therapy sessions. I'm also focusing on work. No limbo here.


----------



## Evinrude58

If you haven’t retained an attorney, you don’t have one. If you haven’t filed, you really haven’t even started the year separation yet unless she agrees you were. 

You will just be floundering forever unless you actually do something. Why not take one baby step and get an attorney, a legit one, and file?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> If you haven’t retained an attorney, you don’t have one. If you haven’t filed, you really haven’t even started the year separation yet unless she agrees you were.
> 
> You will just be floundering forever unless you actually do something. Why not take one baby step and get an attorney, a legit one, and file?


Maybe I'm not understanding the process. If I have to wait 12 months before filing for a divorce, why do I have to pay for an attorney now?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Maybe I'm not understanding the process. If I have to wait 12 months before filing for a divorce, why do I have to pay for an attorney now?


I had friends in NC where I used to live and from what I heard you have to legally start the process. I could be wrong. That’s what you need an attorney for.


----------



## Evinrude58

This is why you need an attorney.


----------



## Marc878

If I’m not mistaken adultery in NC means no alimony. An attorney could answer that as well. 
Mostly from what I’ve seen women don’t just leave without having someone to leave for. 
I think from what I’ve seen so far you’d rather not know.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Maybe I'm not understanding the process. If I have to wait 12 months before filing for a divorce, why do I have to pay for an attorney now?


I think you need to start the clock "officially" ticking -- I would presume that you need to file to have a DATE for that 12-month waiting period, unless you have some other sort of official documentation?


----------



## Beach123

Get an appointment with an attorney and find out what the process is in your area.
You not having a full and thorough idea of what a divorce in your area entails. Find out what’s real.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

Not sure about NC specifically, but usually what ever the specified time period is (e.g., 60 days in Maine), it is the minimum time between the initial filing and when the final divorce decree can be issued. Note I say minimum time, contested divorces can take longer than that minimum....

My STBXW and I are informally separated, but we have each retained attorneys for ourselves anticipating eventually filing for divorce. Retaining an attorney just means paying them up front whatever their standard retainer amount, against which they will charge whatever work they actually do. Otherwise they are just on standby, and the retainer is sitting in an escrow account. If there's still money left in the retainer when the issue is settled, you'll get it back; if you've run through the retainer before the issue is settled, the attorney will ask for an additional retainer....

Using your son to communicate with your "wife" on your behalf is probably NOT a great idea. It does put him in the middle. Using an attorney as the middle person is better, but costly. I understand you want to be "No Contact," and we all advise that, but the reality is that as long as you are still legally married, have any joint assets, share child custody (as an example), or whatever... there may be specific instances (e.g. finances) where you or her do need to communicate somehow. As long as you can stay on point and not get dragged into other issues, it's OK to do it directly by e-mail or text (so you can keep a record). My STBXW and I have a couple of times met at a neutral public place half-way between us in order to exchange papers, or discuss issues in person, as needed.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> If I’m not mistaken adultery in NC means no alimony. An attorney could answer that as well.
> Mostly from what I’ve seen women don’t just leave without having someone to leave for.
> I think from what I’ve seen so far you’d rather not know.


I think that adultery law is in SC, but not in NC.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> I think you need to start the clock "officially" ticking -- I would presume that you need to file to have a DATE for that 12-month waiting period, unless you have some other sort of official documentation?


I checked, verbal is good. Plus I took her off the lease.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TurnedTurtle said:


> Not sure about NC specifically, but usually what ever the specified time period is (e.g., 60 days in Maine), it is the minimum time between the initial filing and when the final divorce decree can be issued. Note I say minimum time, contested divorces can take longer than that minimum....
> 
> My STBXW and I are informally separated, but we have each retained attorneys for ourselves anticipating eventually filing for divorce. Retaining an attorney just means paying them up front whatever their standard retainer amount, against which they will charge whatever work they actually do. Otherwise they are just on standby, and the retainer is sitting in an escrow account. If there's still money left in the retainer when the issue is settled, you'll get it back; if you've run through the retainer before the issue is settled, the attorney will ask for an additional retainer....
> 
> Using your son to communicate with your "wife" on your behalf is probably NOT a great idea. It does put him in the middle. Using an attorney as the middle person is better, but costly. I understand you want to be "No Contact," and we all advise that, but the reality is that as long as you are still legally married, have any joint assets, share child custody (as an example), or whatever... there may be specific instances (e.g. finances) where you or her do need to communicate somehow. As long as you can stay on point and not get dragged into other issues, it's OK to do it directly by e-mail or text (so you can keep a record). My STBXW and I have a couple of times met at a neutral public place half-way between us in order to exchange papers, or discuss issues in person, as needed.


Every situation is a little different.


----------



## Evinrude58

You are delaying doing anything to break free of your wife while she is out chasing other dudes.
File for divorce. It takes a while. You’re setting yourself up for taking years to get divorced. I think you want that.
Women that are worth having don’t date married men.


----------



## Chuck71

D-I-V-O-R-C-E .... give her what she "wants." Then "gauge" her reaction.... Then you will know


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> You are delaying doing anything to break free of your wife while she is out chasing other dudes.
> File for divorce. It takes a while. You’re setting yourself up for taking years to get divorced. I think you want that.
> Women that are worth having don’t date married men.


She's at her mother's and my focus is not on a woman right now.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> D-I-V-O-R-C-E .... give her what she "wants." Then "gauge" her reaction.... Then you will know


Can't give her that until after 12 months.


----------



## TurnedTurtle

MrBigBoy said:


> Can't give her that until after 12 months.


As per several posts above, you need to start the clock on that 12 months by talking to an attorney and making the initial filing ... Waiting 12 months before getting the process rolling only stretches it out to 24 months!


----------



## Evinrude58

And, getting an attorney now, will let you get your finances in order because of you’ve been married a while, you’re going to take a huge hit.
But you can procrastinate and draw out the pain if you want, just past experience trying to help you. Your focus is in your ex wife. You don’t seem to realize that.


----------



## Blondilocks

North Carolina, huh? Just when you think this ****-show couldn't get any more pathetic, the state is North Carolina - the drag the feet, cranked up lawyers and arbitrary rule-making judges court system which all conspire to make you one miserable sob by the time the court deigns to consider if you are worthy of being granted a new lease on life.

Good luck! You're going to need a host of smart lawyers just to get out alive. 

TIP: You need to pray that your your wife is or has been diddling some other poor schmuck and actively try to get pictures, proof etc. Keep your cards close to your vest and keep your mouth shut. Don't even tell your son what you're up to.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I have a Question:
Why would she have a portion of her bi-weekly check direct deposited into our account for bills that are here? And today she said(emailed) that she's going to raise the amount that she's already been depositing. I'm just asking.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> I have a Question:
> Why would she have a portion of her bi-weekly check direct deposited into our account for bills that are here? And today she said(emailed) that she's going to raise the amount that she's already been depositing. I'm just asking.


Are you hoping it is because she changed her mind and wants you back? Because that is what every one of your questions sounds like.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Are you hoping it is because she changed her mind and wants you back? Because that is what every one of your questions sounds like.


Im asking if this sounds like someone that's wanting to divorce?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Im asking if this sounds like someone that's wanting to divorce?


That is just another way of asking if it sounds like someone that changed their mind and wants me back.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Im asking if this sounds like someone that's wanting to divorce?


She probably doesn't want a divorce, as she had it great with you. 
While she was out with men, you were home tending to the hearth.
Why would she want that kind of life to end.
However, you have to decide if you want to divorce her and take the steps to continue to separate yourself from her if that's what you want.


----------



## MrBigBoy

But the question is what does the move sound like?


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> She probably doesn't want a divorce, as she had it great with you.
> While she was out with men, you were home tending to the hearth.
> Why would she want that kind of life to end.
> However, you have to decide if you want to divorce her and take the steps to continue to separate yourself from her if that's what you want.


She at her mother's.


----------



## MrBigBoy

MrBigBoy said:


> She at her mother's.


If she cheated it would have been here.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Divorce should be the last resort. If there is hope I think it's worth trying to keep it.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> She at her mother's.


She doesn't want to divorce you, I don't believe.
All her steps is that of a woman who doesn't think you will divorce her.
If she's worth keeping, keep her. 
If not, divorce her. 
But be congruent in what you want.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Her coming back is not an option. Her coming back with a different mindset is an option. And I doubt she would do that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

She told me on the phone that she loved me more than I loved her. Not sure what that means


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Her coming back is not an option. Her coming back with a different mindset is an option. And I doubt she would do that.


If she can't change, than divorce will be the only option to you.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> She told me on the phone that she loved me more than I loved her. Not sure what that means


She's gas lighting you.
Is she willing to go to marriage counselling to try and hash out the issues, so she can see how she was hurting you?
If all you are requiring, to reconcile, is for her to see the light, there could be hope here.
But she, and you, would have to take couple counselling seriously.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> She's gas lighting you.
> Is she willing to go to marriage counselling to try and hash out the issues, so she can see how she was hurting you?
> If all you are requiring, to reconcile, is for her to see the light, there could be hope here.
> But she, and you, would have to take couple counselling seriously.


She told me that about 2.5 months ago. I just remembered that.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

MrBigBoy said:


> She told me on the phone that she loved me more than I loved her. Not sure what that means


She is playing you sir.


----------



## MrBigBoy

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> She is playing you sir.


Why is that?


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> She's gas lighting you.
> Is she willing to go to marriage counselling to try and hash out the issues, so she can see how she was hurting you?
> If all you are requiring, to reconcile, is for her to see the light, there could be hope here.
> But she, and you, would have to take couple counselling seriously.


I just told you what she said about the direct deposits, you're way ahead of what I said. I just wanted to state what she was doing.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

MrBigBoy said:


> Why is that?


The ol I love you more than you love me.......hmmm


----------



## Evinrude58

If your wife loved you, she’d be with you. She’s not. She doesn’t want to divorce you. She just doesn’t want to be with you. That’s why she’s NOT WITH YOU.

your focus is all on her. She very well could be doing that on advice from her attorney


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> If your wife loved you, she’d be with you. She’s not. She doesn’t want to divorce you. She just doesn’t want to be with you. That’s why she’s NOT WITH YOU.
> 
> your focus is all on her. She very well could be doing that on advice from her attorney


And I hear you. But why is she offering more of her money(direct deposits) to pay for bills here?


----------



## MrBigBoy

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> The ol I love you more than you love me.......hmmm


And I hear you. But why is she offering more of her money(direct deposits) to pay for bills here?


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

That I cant answer.


----------



## Evinrude58

Dude, ask her if she plans on coming back home and working things out. If so, give a deadline. If she says no, ask her why she’s depositing money. It may be so you can’t claim abandonment. 
stop all the wondering. You want her back. So do it. Get her back. Stop all the fishy washy noodling for “signs”.

look at what she’s done to you. If you don’t like being treated that way, divorce. You can’t have a life if you’re going to be this indecisive and passive.

she’s gone. She probably tried out a new penny’s and it wasn’t what she thought, so she wants plan b back. You. Totally common.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> If your wife loved you, she’d be with you. She’s not. She doesn’t want to divorce you. She just doesn’t want to be with you. That’s why she’s NOT WITH YOU.
> 
> your focus is all on her. She very well could be doing that on advice from her attorney


She also mentioned right after leaving, "this has to be done if there's any hope for a future for us." 

I actually thought of your attorney point, which is a good point(I was waiting to see if someone would think of this also). But what other resasons why she could be wanting to pay bills here?


----------



## MrBigBoy

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> That I cant answer.


That may be something I'd want to know first.


----------



## Marc878

Actions versus words.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Actions versus words.


Actions:Her putting her money in our joint account.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Is that(commonly) something that a woman seeking divorce would do?


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> Is that(commonly) something that a woman seeking divorce would do?


Of course not, unless she is doing it for legal reasons. But not wanting a divorce and being in love with you are two different things.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Of course not, unless she is doing it for legal reasons. But not wanting a divorce and being in love with you are two different things.


Soooooo(now we're getting somewhere), what other reason(s) would she be wanting to pay for bills here?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Actions:Her putting her money in our joint account.


Actions: she left.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> Soooooo(now we're getting somewhere), what other reason(s) would she be wanting to pay for bills here?


“Fault state? She admitted to talking to someone at her part time job. I found out when she had an accident(leaving work) and the guy was in the car(she was dropping him off) and on the accident report. She claims nothing physical happened”

your wife has been cheating, seeing another man. Maybe this one, maybe another. But she moved out to test drive another man. Are you ok with that? She now wants you back as her plan b. If you want her back abd want to continue your not so great marriage, then DO NOT pursue her, and there’s a good chance she will return. Neither of you will be happy, but she will return. 
Guess what? You not calling her and trying to move in is having results: She’s putting money in the back. Staying away, moving in, not talking to her—-/ give it a little while doing that and she will likely come back. Why in the heck would you want her to? She’s a terrible wife. You’re both unhappy. But she will be back. Don’t chase her or be nicey nice to her when she’s back. Only do what she asks for as far as attention. Continue being aloof. 
She her work back to you. I doubt you can do that.

So there you go: advise on how to get your wife back. I’m also advising you not to Tahoe her back. She left you and test drive another dude. She will never again love you as a wife should. How do you know this, you ask? Because I’m not emotionally invested like you and I can see your situation without the rise colored glasses and brain addled with hopium, that you’re affected by.
That’s just my thoughts. Take what you find useful from them.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Actions: she left.


I get that. But to ultimately divorce or to manipulate me into getting somehting?


----------



## Marc878

Who knows. I suspect she doesn’t want a divorce just yet. It may not fit her time table. 
How much extra is she putting in? A little, a lot? Does it matter? She’s gone.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> “Fault state? She admitted to talking to someone at her part time job. I found out when she had an accident(leaving work) and the guy was in the car(she was dropping him off) and on the accident report. She claims nothing physical happened”
> 
> your wife has been cheating, seeing another man. Maybe this one, maybe another. But she moved out to test drive another man. Are you ok with that? She now wants you back as her plan b. If you want her back abd want to continue your not so great marriage, then DO NOT pursue her, and there’s a good chance she will return. Neither of you will be happy, but she will return.
> Guess what? You not calling her and trying to move in is having results: She’s putting money in the back. Staying away, moving in, not talking to her—-/ give it a little while doing that and she will likely come back. Why in the heck would you want her to? She’s a terrible wife. You’re both unhappy. But she will be back. Don’t chase her or be nicey nice to her when she’s back. Only do what she asks for as far as attention. Continue being aloof.
> She her work back to you. I doubt you can do that.
> 
> So there you go: advise on how to get your wife back. I’m also advising you not to Tahoe her back. She left you and test drive another dude. She will never again love you as a wife should. How do you know this, you ask? Because I’m not emotionally invested like you and I can see your situation without the rise colored glasses and brain addled with hopium, that you’re affected by.
> That’s just my thoughts. Take what you find useful from them.


I understand what you're saying. And I agree. Im not saying that I want her back. Im not saying that she couldn't come back if she improved either. Whether she eventually sees it my way or not I think she made a bad choice by leaving me. I know I could never trust her again. But If I'm convinced that someone does something and was really ignoarnt to the consequences of their actions(like leaving) I would give them the benefit of the doubt. My therapist at the time said she was trying to manipulate me(by leaving). She has never said she wanted a divorce.


----------



## Evinrude58

She hasn’t said a lot of things to you. Like who and how many men she was with.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> I understand what you're saying. And I agree. Im not saying that I want her back. Im not saying that she couldn't come back if she improved either. Whether she eventually sees it my way or not I think she made a bad choice by leaving me. I know I could never trust her again. But If I'm convinced that someone does something and was really ignoarnt to the consequences of their actions(like leaving) I would give them the benefit of the doubt. My therapist at the time said she was trying to manipulate me(by leaving). She has never said she wanted a divorce.


I can't remember if it was in this thread or not, but have you ever asked her point blank where this separation is going in her mind and what she wants?


----------



## MrBigBoy

#1. I would like a woman's opinion(on this) from this board also, if possible. 
#2. Do I sound pathetic?
#3. We've talked in the past, a lot. I'm convinced she had a crush on her coworker at that time. But I'm not completely convinced that it was physical, based on a few things.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> I can't remember if it was in this thread or not, but have you ever asked her point blank where this separation is going in her mind and what she wants?


That's a good question. She's only mentioned something in the lines of, "Only God knows,... If God thinks it's best,...This is needed if we are to have a future,... Who said anything about a divorce."


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> "Only God knows,... If God thinks it's best,...This is needed if we are to have a future,... Who said anything about a divorce."


reply: No, I know. We don't have a future as things stand. That becomes a divorce.

Seriously man, quit guessing her intentions and just live your life. If she's depositing more in a joint account, it's likely she has an attorney on her side telling her to do so to help her in the long run, as in "see, I didn't abandon them, I not only continued to contribute as I should, I increased my support as an act of good faith" etc. etc.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Zedd said:


> reply: No, I know. We don't have a future as things stand. That becomes a divorce.
> 
> Seriously man, quit guessing her intentions and just live your life. If she's depositing more in a joint account, it's likely she has an attorney on her side telling her to do so to help her in the long run, as in "see, I didn't abandon them, I not only continued to contribute as I should, I increased my support as an act of good faith" etc. etc.


Ok, so I'll tell her to stop the payments and if she agrees then what? Ill tell her to mail cash to my po box or nothing at all


----------



## Zedd

You don't have to tell her to stop, you just need to not care and roll with it.

the not caring is the important part. Quit caring.

You don't have to go along on the roller-coaster. Just let it all go and live your life.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Zedd said:


> You don't have to tell her to stop, you just need to not care and roll with it.
> 
> the not caring is the important part. Quit caring.
> 
> You don't have to go along on the roller-coaster. Just let it all go and live your life.


huh?


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm trying to date. The women(for the most part) are scorned, single parents or dominantly independant. It's a nightmare. The last time I date I was 19.


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> huh?


Quit engaging with her at all. All these little things are manipulating you, even if she's not intending to do so. Just get off the ride and/or quit playing her game. None of what she's doing should matter to you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Zedd said:


> Quit engaging with her at all. All these little things are manipulating you, even if she's not intending to do so. Just get off the ride and/or quit playing her game. None of what she's doing should matter to you.


That's what I'm actually doing. Its been about 3 weeks now since I replied to her at all. She's texting and emailing, and called maybe twice since then. I'm focusing on me. School, work, personal life, etc. I'm talking to a few ladies, the youngest 25.


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm trying to date. The women(for the most part) are scorned, single parents or dominantly independant. It's a nightmare. The last time I date I was 19.


I'm no expert, but perhaps you can focus on your IC before wanting to date? Or, at the least, start the separation process for divorce? I haven't read all of your responses, but, just like the women you're finding scorned, you may very well find yourself acting as such when you start to date without healing... just my two cents.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Works said:


> I'm no expert, but perhaps you can focus on your IC before wanting to date? Or, at the least, start the separation process for divorce? I haven't read all of your responses, but, just like the women you're finding scorned, you may very well find yourself acting as such when you start to date without healing... just my two cents.


Very wise, thanks. What is IC?


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> Very wise, thanks. What is IC?


I learned it from here.. Individual Counseling, I see you're doing that now.

I'm fresh out of a divorce (2 years) and met my boyfriend the night my divorce was finalized... Let me tell you, it was difficult for me juggling my healing from my past (he's helped me, as well as myself doing IC, reading, podcasts and such). But sometimes I wish I would've had a bit more time alone. Part of the reason why I've stuck around with him, is because he has been amazing toward me, patient, it's healthy... Having healthy now is somewhat terrifying when I came from so much abuse... He knew from the start what he signed up for... and somehow still wants to keep me around.

You'll get there as well... just try to get better for YOU first. ❤


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> That's what I'm actually doing. Its been about 3 weeks now since I replied to her at all. She's texting and emailing, and called maybe twice since then. I'm focusing on me. School, work, personal life, etc. I'm talking to a few ladies, the youngest 25.


Right, but you're still on here trying to infer meaning to all her actions and words. That's the next step. Quit caring about that stuff.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Yeah, thanks. I am always looking for the next self improvement book to read. I watch a lot of self improvement and after separation videos on YouTube. Ive lost weight and buying new clothes, etc. I'm trying. My son even went to the mall and bought clothes. So far I am hearing a lot of women tell me that they are attracted to my "calmness."


----------



## MrBigBoy

Zedd said:


> Right, but you're still on here trying to infer meaning to all her actions and words. That's the next step. Quit caring about that stuff.


So just leave her and never look back?


----------



## Blondilocks

There is only one thing you need to be concerned with at this point and that is consulting a lawyer in person in your state of residence. Do not date, do not close accounts and do not pass go until you consult with a lawyer. I'm sure they can answer a lot of your questions concerning your wife's motivations.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Blondilocks said:


> There is only one thing you need to be concerned with at this point and that is consulting a lawyer in person in your state of residence. Do not date, do not close accounts and do not pass go until you consult with a lawyer. I'm sure they can answer a lot of your questions concerning your wife's motivations.


Are you a woman? And have you ever left a man?


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> So just leave her and never look back?


Yes, kinda. If you don't do it, you've not detached. If you don't detach, you can't move on. If you're not willing to move on, you'll continue to be manipulated by every little thing she does. If you continue to be manipulated, she controls your life.


----------



## MrBigBoy

She's insisting on coming here to get her Insurance card. Any advice? I don't know her mother's new address.


----------



## Zedd

put it in an envelope and leave it on the porch. Don't be there when she gets there.


----------



## MrBigBoy

One of her old text: _So, I Love you and yeah it hurts not being in my marriage. I just pray to GOD to lead us back to each in a very righteous way, if it's his will. _


----------



## Zedd

Cute. Now read it and realize she's using religion to abdicate personal responsibility in her life. Manipulation, plain and simple.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Zedd said:


> Cute. Now read it and realize she's using religion to abdicate personal responsibility in her life. Manipulation, plain and simple.


Yeah


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Annemarie W said:


> I somewhat agree…but i would rather separate than jump into a hasty divorce when he isn’t thinking (and obvi wasn’t) thinking rationally. Like i said he was gone all the time anyway so my day to day life isn’t changing … the only real Change is communication.
> 
> And I agree you can’t work on a marriage apart but we are at the stage of him asking himself if he even wants to try? once he moves past that , then yes the separation must end. but technically at this point we aren’t working on the marriage. He is thinking about what he did, what it means, why and if he feels the feelings are there or not still to move forward. He told me he talked to his therapist yesterday and she said to ‘not take too long apart deciding. She told him (apparently) to listen to his heart and it will tell him what to do. Either you love or you Don‘t’ He told me today he won’t drag this out. I’m glad because quite honestly I don’t want to drag it out too long. But at the same time I feel he needs space to think. I don’t want him to agree to counseling if he isn’t open minded and open hearted. If he is just doing it to appease me there is no point.
> 
> ii know it sounds one sided, like I’m giving him all the power when he did me wrong…but the thing is, he is a good man. He is not himself. And i want to make Every attempt at reconciliation knowing my feelings, and if he still say no, my conscience Is clear and I will be able to move on after divorce at peace knowing I tried everything to save our marriage. i will be at peace. Otherwise I will always wonder … what if I tried this or that, and that could hold me back relationship-wise in the future. i am doing this for me. Not him.


It takes more than love. It takes being willing to make personal sacrifices on both ends to keep a marriage together. There are a lot of people you can love but not live with and make a life with.


----------



## TXTrini

MrBigBoy said:


> #1. I would like a woman's opinion(on this) from this board also, if possible.
> #2. Do I sound pathetic?
> #3. We've talked in the past, a lot. I'm convinced she had a crush on her coworker at that time. But I'm not completely convinced that it was physical, based on a few things.


Woman's opinion.
#2. Yes
#3. What does it matter? She left.



MrBigBoy said:


> I'm trying to date. The women(for the most part) are scorned, single parents or dominantly independant. It's a nightmare. The last time I date I was 19.


Why are you trying to date? You haven't even filed for divorce and you're still hung up on your wife analyzing every little thing she's doing. 

What decent, desirable woman would want to get involved with a married man who's allowing himself to be poked and prodded into submission? If you want better choices, become a better choice for them.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TXTrini said:


> Woman's opinion.
> #2. Yes
> #3. What does it matter? She left.
> 
> 
> Why are you trying to date? You haven't even filed for divorce and you're still hung up on your wife analyzing every little thing she's doing.
> 
> What decent, desirable woman would want to get involved with a married man who's allowing himself to be poked and prodded into submission? If you want better choices, become a better choice for them.


Thanks. I was asking for your opinion on the reason(that you can think of) of why the departing spouse would want to continue contributing financially? All I'm hearing is "Leave, leave, divorce her! Leave her!" Not getting any pro marriage minded opinions. I'm not saying anybody is wrong. Just saying.


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> Thanks. I was asking for your opinion on the reason(that you can think of) of why the departing spouse would want to continue contributing financially? All I'm hearing is "Leave, leave, divorce her! Leave her!" Not getting any pro marriage minded opinions. I'm not saying anybody is wrong. Just saying.


How to word this... as much as it pains you, I don't think you'd get promarriage minded opinions given what is going on. It's clear she's out the door, but you're still looking for that sliver of hope that she may return... 😞


----------



## TXTrini

MrBigBoy said:


> Thanks. I was asking for your opinion on the reason(that you can think of) of why the departing spouse would want to continue contributing financially? All I'm hearing is "Leave, leave, divorce her! Leave her!" Not getting any pro marriage minded opinions. I'm not saying anybody is wrong. Just saying.


I don't know your wife or can read minds, so I got nothing, sorry. You'll have to ask her and be at her mercy for further manipulation.

What pro-marriage advice are you expecting to get considering your wife left you and is involved with another man (men)?

ETA:
No one here likes seeing anyone in pain, many of us have been in similar positions and know that living in hopium and waiting for things to happen is a complete waste of time. 

Btw, I'm purposefully being harsh to light a fire under your rear, you've been lingering for months and not taking action. That's not attractive to anyone, your wife or other women.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TXTrini said:


> I don't know your wife or can read minds, so I got nothing, sorry. You'll have to ask her and be at her mercy for further manipulation.
> 
> What pro-marriage advice are you expecting to get considering your wife left you and is involved with another man (men)?


So you know she is involved with someone else?


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> Not getting any pro marriage minded opinions. I'm not saying anybody is wrong. Just saying.


Letting her go and detaching is your pro-marriage opinion. If you chase, she'll run further. If you detach, it's possible she _might_ turn around one day and say "oh, I've f'd this up big time"

Either way, letting her go away is your best option right now. You just need to properly do it.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> Thanks. I was asking for your opinion on the reason(that you can think of) of why the departing spouse would want to continue contributing financially? * All I'm hearing is "Leave, leave, divorce her! Leave her!*" Not getting any pro marriage minded opinions. I'm not saying anybody is wrong. Just saying.


I disagree, nobody has advised you to leave her, because that is an impossibility. You can’t see it though, and it proves you still feel you’re with her even though she has already LEFT yOU.


----------



## TXTrini

MrBigBoy said:


> So you know she is involved with someone else?


I thought I read that somewhere on the thread.

Even if she isn't. She left. That means, she doesn't want you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Negative thoughts or opinions doesn't really bother me, its just that's all I'm hearing from the entire site. Odd. A lot of hatred.


----------



## TXTrini

MrBigBoy said:


> Negative thoughts or opinions doesn't really bother me, its just that's all I'm hearing from the entire site. Odd. A lot of hatred.


So stating the facts = hatred?

Ok, now you're looking like a timewaster entertaining him/herself by jerking people around. 

Good luck to you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree, nobody has advised you to leave her, because that is an impossibility. You can’t see it though, and it proves you still feel you’re with her even though she has already LEFT yOU.


I have not stopped my life. I have move on from what we had, even though she has never been verbally clear about her position.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Zedd said:


> Letting her go and detaching is your pro-marriage opinion. If you chase, she'll run further. If you detach, it's possible she _might_ turn around one day and say "oh, I've f'd this up big time"
> 
> Either way, letting her go away is your best option right now. You just need to properly do it.


I have given her no conact for about 3+ weeks. I am working on myself, not for her, but for me. I am getting mentally stronger everyday, and hope to continue getting stronger. There is no future with her as far as I'm concerned, unless she chase me proving that she is not who she has been for the last 5 years,and it's still a maybe even then. No way I can do that again.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> I have move on from what we had, even though she has never been verbally clear about her position.


Dude, give it up already. You perfectly well know that although you are "moving on", you will not give up the "hopium" to get back together with her. I don't know who do you think you're fooling. Because from where I seat, I still see the same man that came over three months ago, asking what to do, and moving along just enough in order to be ready the moment she snaps her fingers beckoning you to be with her again. Deep down you continue to behave as the same pathetic man you somewhere in time became . No wonder your woman left you. She must not see a man in front of her.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, give it up already. You perfectly well know that although you are "moving on", you will not give up the "hopium" to get back together with her. I don't know who do you think you're fooling. Because from where I seat, I still see the same man that came over three months ago, asking what to do, and moving along just enough in order to be ready the moment she snaps her fingers beckoning you to be with her again. Deep down you continue to behave as the same pathetic man you somewhere in time became . No wonder your woman left you. She must not see a man in front of her.


lol, okay. But really she can't come back into my life as a wife unless she makes the proper changes.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> Negative thoughts or opinions doesn't really bother me, its just that's all I'm hearing from the entire site. Odd. A lot of hatred.


We are just being honest and not couching anything from you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> We are just being honest and not couching anything from you.


What do you mean by couching?


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> We are just being honest and not couching anything from you.


Your opiniuons may be your honest opinions but doesn't mean they're always correct, honestly. But I get it. Most of what you all are saying is probably dead on, or at least what I need to hear. "Love" is an action. I get that.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> *lol, okay*. But really she can't come back into my life as a wife unless she makes the proper changes.



You see? this is what I'm talking about. Not only nothing makes you react to see if what we are telling you could be true or we are just gangling on you. But it's there: you would take her back if "she makes the proper changes". I wonder why I don't take a word you say seriously. As I see it you would take her back the moment she'd snaps her fingers at you; regardless of "proper changes".


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> What do you mean by couching?


Putting things into gentler terms and then leaving you to figure things out.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> You see? this is what I'm talking about. Not only nothing makes you react to see if what we are telling you could be true or we are just gangling on you. But it's there: you would take her back if "she makes the proper changes". I wonder why I don't take a word you say seriously. As I see it you would take her back the moment she'd snaps her fingers at you; regardless of "proper changes".


I don't believe in divorce. But if a spouse refuses to work with you, in the end there's nothing you can do.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jonty30 said:


> Putting things into gentler terms and then leaving you to figure things out.


Oh, I don't mind direct and getting straight to the point. I actually prefer that. Now I may question some things.


----------



## Blondilocks

TXTrini said:


> So stating the facts = hatred?
> 
> *Ok, now you're looking like a timewaster entertaining him/herself by jerking people around.*
> 
> Good luck to you.


Yeah, it looks like it's past time to post a sign asking members to please not feed the animals. I'm sure the monocled one is getting a kick out of this creation.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Actions:Her putting her money in our joint account.


I have a feeling this is some sort of ploy that HER attorney told her to do -- makes HER look great for any sort of judge "See, I was even helping him with the bills when I didn't live there and I put in a lot more than I had to -- so give me 70% of the joint accounts......"


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> One of her old text: _So, I Love you and yeah it hurts not being in my marriage. I just pray to GOD to lead us back to each in a very righteous way, if it's his will. _


Manipulation to keep you in limbo.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I have not stopped my life. I have move on from what we had, even though she has never been verbally clear about her position.


Screw her position -- SHE LEFT YOU. It is now time to focus ONLY on YOUR LIFE. Move on, move forward, leave her in the past. IF ( and this is a HUGE IF) in the future things work out between you, so be it, but DO NOT leave yourself in limbo waiting for that to happen.


----------



## Rob_1

jlg07 said:


> Screw her position -- SHE LEFT YOU. It is now time to focus ONLY on YOUR LIFE. Move on, move forward, leave her in the past. IF ( and this is a HUGE IF) in the future things work out between you, so be it, but DO NOT leave yourself in limbo waiting for that to happen.


By now I think that anything we say is useless. His wife could be banging the whole town for all he knows, but because he doesn't believe in divorce he basically won't do a thing other than taking her back after she's done the whole town and will be proper from now on. 

We need to understand that OP is of of those whose level of close mindedness won't allow him to see further than what he already is set.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> By now I think that anything we say is useless. His wife could be banging the whole town for all he knows, but because he doesn't believe in divorce he basically won't do a thing other than taking her back after she's done the whole town and will be proper from now on.
> 
> We need to understand that OP is of of those whose level of close mindedness won't allow him to see further than what he already is set.


Just because your ex featured in a gang bang doesn't mean mine did. You must have been hurt pretty bad. Can you tell your story please? What did you find out? How did you catch your wife?


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> Just because your ex featured in a gang bang doesn't mean mine did. You must have been hurt pretty bad. Can you tell your story please? What did you find out? How did you catch your wife?


Did you read what I said? I never said or implied that your wife was having sex with men; what I said was that even IF SHE WOULD be doing that, that you would take her back. That's my point 

Now on to your question to me. No dude, never been cheated, have a lovely wife that loves me and respect me just as much as I do love and respect her.
My being here is because this site contains all kind of fora for marriage including the ones for adultery, advice for happy marriages and the one that are faltering. 

But one thing I can tell you is that knowing myself 99.99% I'm absolutely positive that I have self respect, dignity, and self worth. 

I wouldn't put out with with .1% of the incredible pussified behavior exhibited by so many of the men that come here and in other online sites. Sometimes is sickening to me to observe men degrade themselves to the point that you want to slap them (figuratively) in the face to see if that make then gain some senses, and their balls.
That's why I'm here. To try see if I can contribute and see if at least one man gets himself together.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> Did you read what I said? I never said or implied that your wife was having sex with men; what I said was that even IF SHE WOULD be doing that, that you would take her back. That's my point
> 
> Now on to your question to me. No dude, never been cheated, have a lovely wife that loves me and respect me just as much as I do love and respect her.
> My being here is because this site contains all kind of fora for marriage including the ones for adultery, advice for happy marriages and the one that are faltering.
> 
> But one thing I can tell you is that knowing myself 99.99% I'm absolutely positive that I have self respect, dignity, and self worth.
> 
> I wouldn't put out with with .1% of the incredible pussified behavior exhibited by so many of the men that come here and in other online sites. Sometimes is sickening to me to observe men degrade themselves to the point that you want to slap them (figuratively) in the face to see if that make then gain some senses, and their balls.
> That's why I'm here. To try see if I can contribute and see if at least one man gets himself together.


Okay, I don't think I like you. Please discontinue communicating with me.


----------



## Chuck71

OP....... here are my first two threads from 2012-13. Is this Normal to Fell this Way?











Crossroads: Sink or Swim


Old thread Is this Normal to Fell this Way? This is what she left me this morning in a letter: "Also you mentioned talking to some one. I'm not ready for that but once this is over (divorce) If you want to take me out and date - See if that flame can get burning again. I would like that...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Just read them.

And every male and female here are trying to tell you the truth.

But I understand you're seeking a female's POV. And you're getting it.


----------



## Cynthia

MrBigBoy said:


> Okay, I don't think I like you. Please discontinue communicating with me.


Stick your fingers in your ears and say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah." It works every time. Or you can just block him. While you're at it, block me too. That way you don't have to see anything you disagree with or anyone's advice that makes you uncomfortable.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> OP....... here are my first two threads from 2012-13. Is this Normal to Fell this Way?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Crossroads: Sink or Swim
> 
> 
> Old thread Is this Normal to Fell this Way? This is what she left me this morning in a letter: "Also you mentioned talking to some one. I'm not ready for that but once this is over (divorce) If you want to take me out and date - See if that flame can get burning again. I would like that...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.talkaboutmarriage.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just read them.
> 
> And every male and female here are trying to tell you the truth.
> 
> But I understand you're seeking a female's POV. And you're getting it.


Thanks, gonna read it now. Thank you Chuck.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> OP....... here are my first two threads from 2012-13. Is this Normal to Fell this Way?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Crossroads: Sink or Swim
> 
> 
> Old thread Is this Normal to Fell this Way? This is what she left me this morning in a letter: "Also you mentioned talking to some one. I'm not ready for that but once this is over (divorce) If you want to take me out and date - See if that flame can get burning again. I would like that...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.talkaboutmarriage.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just read them.
> 
> And every male and female here are trying to tell you the truth.
> 
> But I understand you're seeking a female's POV. And you're getting it.


Wow Chick, thanks. What's your ex wife and her son's current situation? Chuck, you re-married?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> One of her old text: _So, I Love you and yeah it hurts not being in my marriage. I just pray to GOD to lead us back to each in a very righteous way, if it's his will. _


🤮 Total BS.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Negative thoughts or opinions doesn't really bother me, its just that's all I'm hearing from the entire site. Odd. A lot of hatred.


Nope, it’s a realistic perspective. She has left you already. You don’t walk out on someone you love. 
You are stuck in the I love her so she must love me too frame of mind. Sorry but that’s not how it works.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> Wow Chick, thanks. What's your ex wife and her son's current situation? Chuck, you re-married?


We don't speak. And yes. You must move forward.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> We don't speak. And yes. You must move forward.


It was kind of weird reading your post and seeing how you were kind of where I am today. Does that emptiness every really fill? Does all of the hurt every really go away? At this point I feel I could never replace the feeling that I had with my "wife." I grew up with her, became a man with her by my side.


----------



## jonty30

MrBigBoy said:


> It was kind of weird reading your post and seeing how you were kind of where I am today. Does that emptiness every really fill? Does all of the hurt every really go away? At this point I feel I could never replace the feeling that I had with my "wife." I grew up with her, became a man with her by my side.


As you get into the routine of not being accountable to anybody, it gets better.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> It was kind of weird reading your post and seeing how you were kind of where I am today. Does that emptiness every really fill? Does all of the hurt every really go away? At this point I feel I could never replace the feeling that I had with my "wife." I grew up with her, became a man with her by my side.


Yes, it goes away. But only when you get off the Hopium addiction as mark878 says.
You have to MOVE ON in your head. Let go of the hope. What you’re feeling for her isn’t what she’s feeling anymore, or she wouldn’t have walked out. Moving on and putting her in your rearview is the only possible way for two things to happen: 
You get your head right, get confidence in yourself, get your life back on track, and get out of the pain you’re suffering.
Result: You’re not chasing her and becoming the happy man you once were that us attractive, or you find another woman and invest your emotions in her and totally forget your ex wife.

you haven’t retained an attorney and are allowing your wife to play the field at best, try out an affair at worst. You are keeping yoursrlf In limbo and that equals pain.

your situation isn’t unique. People here have experienced and been through what you’re now experiencing.

What works is moving on and letting her chase you (if you’re thinking it’s wise to want a woman like this back). If she doesn’t chase, I assure you with 100% certitude that pursuing her will do you zero good in the long run.

If she loves you, she’d walk until her feet bled to get to you. Mark878 is exactly right when he called BS on her statement of “we will see what God intends, etc”.

She is dangling a worm just to see if you’re still on the hook for a possible plan b if she can’t find your replacement. Do you want a woman that thinks that way if you?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, it goes away. But only when you get off the Hopium addiction as mark878 says.
> You have to MOVE ON in your head. Let go of the hope. What you’re feeling for her isn’t what she’s feeling anymore, or she wouldn’t have walked out. Moving on and putting her in your rearview is the only possible way for two things to happen:
> You get your head right, get confidence in yourself, get your life back on track, and get out of the pain you’re suffering.
> Result: You’re not chasing her and becoming the happy man you once were that us attractive, or you find another woman and invest your emotions in her and totally forget your ex wife.
> 
> you haven’t retained an attorney and are allowing your wife to play the field at best, try out an affair at worst. You are keeping yoursrlf In limbo and that equals pain.
> 
> your situation isn’t unique. People here have experienced and been through what you’re now experiencing.
> 
> What works is moving on and letting her chase you (if you’re thinking it’s wise to want a woman like this back). If she doesn’t chase, I assure you with 100% certitude that pursuing her will do you zero good in the long run.
> 
> If she loves you, she’d walk until her feet bled to get to you. Mark878 is exactly right when he called BS on her statement of “we will see what God intends, etc”.
> 
> She is dangling a worm just to see if you’re still on the hook for a possible plan b if she can’t find your replacement. Do you want a woman that thinks that way if you?


Thank you. No, I do not want a woman like that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

You all have been here for me, thanks. Believe it or not, It's really sinking in. Thank you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Been kind of busy with work. But I just text my "wife" that I was inquiring about us individualizing our responsibility with the irs payment. I'm currently on hold now(with the IRS), but while on hold I did google and saw that we could at least have separate banking accounts and each has a portion withdrawn from it. I would at least take that. My "wife" just replied, "if you think that's best." And I do. I then suggested that I will be taking our vehicle that she is driving off my group package that I have with my other vehicles. So she will be responsible with paying her own insurance. No comment for that one. I told her that it was just too weird sharing bills.


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## Evinrude58

Have you retained an attorney?
You’re fishing for her to beg you not to divorce her, and she’s giving you nothing.
She’s literally gone. Make it official. And move on.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Update: The retired defense attorney thought it would be a good idea if I double checked to see if she was willing to work things out before going down the divorce road. I did. I want to ask first if it's ok with you all if I post her email reply here?


----------



## jlg07

Don't you have a divorce attorney? Why are you listening to a DEFENSE attorney about family law?
You should be fine posting her reply -- but you should make sure to block out any identifying info...


----------



## marko polo

jlg07 said:


> Don't you have a divorce attorney? Why are you listening to a DEFENSE attorney about family law?
> You should be fine posting her reply -- but you should make sure to block out any identifying info...


He has no attorney nor will he will get one. Too fearful to lose after he has already lost. There will be no divorce unless his wife pursues the matter.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> Don't you have a divorce attorney? Why are you listening to a DEFENSE attorney about family law?
> You should be fine posting her reply -- but you should make sure to block out any identifying info...


No, he advised me to contact a divorce attorney and admitted that he was very limited with the divorce topic, but made a personal suggestion of being sure reconciliation was not an option for us both. The retired defense attorney made it very clear that he wasn't the one I should get advise from. He talked about his divorce and shared his personal thoughts. 

I contacted a few attorneys. I got a free consultation with a divorce lawyer about what my options were and an outlook on what could happen if I got divorced.


----------



## MrBigBoy

marko polo said:


> He has no attorney nor will he will get one. Too fearful to lose after he has already lost. There will be no divorce unless his wife pursues the matter.


That's not true. I do plan to divorce her if there is no way in hell of reconciliation, or visible steps towards it. As of now, it's only been about 7 months. We've known and been with each other most of our entire lives(11 and 14), longer than we've been with our parents. I know without a doubt that I should be sure before I do anything.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Update: The retired defense attorney thought it would be a good idea if I double checked to see if she was willing to work things out before going down the divorce road. I did. I want to ask first if it's ok with you all if I post her email reply here?


Go for it


----------



## HarryBosch

Hopium... I separated and divorced within 7 months. I was hitting the hopium pipe big time during that time. You have been hanging on too long. Obviously this is my opinion, but I went back and forth to the house hoping things would change, and it was just way too fast to implement any change. You can't make changes, and your spouse can't, when you have expectations that this will just resolve itself quickly.

Sure, you could reconcile, but that is a maybe that stalls out your need to gain confidence and independence I'm betting you need, and it really stymies any recovery you are seeking,

You're stalling. Move on, start living your life. Who knows what the future is, but it won't be much if you procrastinate and continue hitting that hopium pipe.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Update: The retired defense attorney thought it would be a good idea if I double checked to see if she was willing to work things out before going down the divorce road. I did. I want to ask first if it's ok with you all if I post her email reply here?


You don’t need permission. It’s your life.


----------



## *Deidre*

I think it must be incredibly painful to sever a relationship with someone you’ve known since elementary school. Like severing your own leg or something. 😔 But…I think fear of the unknown has kept you in this relationship long after its expiration date.

Fear is a really powerful thing, I’d dare say more than hope. I think a lot of people lie to themselves that they’re hopeful but really, they’re deathly afraid of ending even the most dead, toxic relationships because they’re afraid of the unknown or of being alone in the unknown. I speak from experience from a few relationships I had prior to dating my husband. Fear is powerful. It will render you paralyzed if you let it.

You need to move on OP. There will be always someone out there to tell you to hang on - keep trying - reconcile - etc… There will always be people who will insist you try harder but it takes two to make a marriage work.

You should try one day at a time, to distance yourself and start living life on your own terms. This might take a while because your entire identity might be wrapped up in your wife and marriage. Your whole life has been her. But, there’s no partnership, here. I wish you well and that you find the strength to stop remaining paralyzed and move forward.


----------



## MrBigBoy

She emailed this to me a few days after I text her with my stand. 
[ 

Good Afternoon, I hope that you're well. I had to take some necessary time to process our last few conversation about our future. I wanted to be sure and clear on the best way to communicate to you my thoughts.
Counseling is something that is needed if we choose to move forward, I do agree with that. The challenge for us I believe will be exactly how honest we are willing to be with each during the session. We've tried so many counselor and none were helpful because they weren't given a chance. I believe I've been upfront with you about my feelings and where I stand. I love you and I'm not seeking divorce, but that's something that you obviously want. 

Reconciliation for me means time away while rebuilding who we are as individuals, finding our individual selves. We got married young and we're together even younger. We had an abusive beginning and honestly in some ways, it still is. I grew tired of blaming you, knocking you and fighting you. Now, I would like to fight with you, fight for a better marriage, a healthier relationship, one that's built around our beliefs and culture. GOD has to be first!!
I've tried to give you the space that you were seeking to build a better relationship with [our son] and [our daughter] without me being a distraction. I've distanced myself to allow you to grow or build a better relationship with GOD. I don't want to be involved in, nor do I want to hinder your growth with him, that's a personal journey. 
Our family strength is dependent on the strength of our head. If you aren't strong the body can not survive. And, sometimes people need to step outside of the house in order to see what's actually going on inside the house. The toxicity in our House, in the relationships, in our marriage had to come to a STOP. Please don't take this the wrong way, but there is nothing on this earth that'll make me come back into that type of environment without the proper healing. Now, I'm not blaming you, just the environment that was created by what we had. We all have mental scars of what the environment produced. I keep saying, for me the change is in what GOD will do within you, within me and within our children. You still have hate and malice in you heart and please don't deny it. You keep telling yourself and probably others that I cheated on you, when you even know I didn't. We know there has been so many times in our 30+ year relationship that you have cheated on me[before marriage].
All I've ever wanted was to be the best woman, mother and wife that I can be, but if it's not meant to be I'll just accept that and continue to grow my faith. I'm married to you for life regardless of a piece of paper, that's my beliefs. You've never openly prayed with your family, you've never made GOD a priority in our lives. I often felt that sometimes you never made our marriage important or a priority for you.
Begin to seek out these things and you may start seeing a change in yourself, which could bridge the gap between us four 
So, my suggestion is to pray openly for your family to be restored, right all your wrongs, address the scars that you've caused for your family, ask for healing. 
It's up to you to decide ultimately, what's important in your life?

I will always love you and pray for your healing.

Your Wife 😘

]


----------



## Evinrude58

When a woman decides a man isn’t good enough, there’s someone better or has thoughts she’s not in love anymore, it’s sad but the relationship is over. 
a woman can be angry, sad, disappointed, jealous, that might be recovered from. Once she feels the former things—- no fixing it. It’s done.


----------



## Jimi007

Sounds genuine and from the ❤ I think you can and should save your marriage. She may well be right about fully opening up at the MC sessions..Regardless of what others think , I think all things are possible with God and prayer. Best of luck


----------



## DEMI6

Deep


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878

It still comes down to words versus actions. Separation is most often a prelude to divorce.
From what she’s written she’s not blaming you but it’s all your fault.
Life is a choice.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

MrBigBoy said:


> Okay, I don't think I like you. Please discontinue communicating with me.


The truth hurts eh?


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> She emailed this to me a few days after I text her with my stand.
> [
> 
> Good Afternoon, I hope that you're well. I’m gone, I really don’t care how you are.I had to take some necessary time to process our last few conversation about our future. I’ve reached the conclusion my future is best silent with someone else.I wanted to be sure and clear on the best way to communicate to you my thoughts.
> Counseling is something that is needed if we choose to move forward, I do agree with that. but I’m carrying my rear so coubseling ain’t possible, because I don’t want to be married to you anymore.The challenge for us I believe will be exactly how honest we are willing to be with each during the session. We've tried so many counselor and none were helpful because they weren't given a chance. I believe I've been upfront with you about my feelings and where I stand. I love you and I'm not seeking divorce, but that's something that you obviously want. translation:I’m divorcing you, but I’m telling everyone it’s all your fault and I’m accepting zero blame.
> 
> Reconciliation for me means time away while rebuilding who we are as individuals, finding our individual selves. “finding ourselves” is a phrase that cheaters use really often. Another red flag.We got married young and we're together even younger. We had an abusive beginning and honestly in some ways, it still is. I grew tired of blaming you, knocking you and fighting you. Now, I would like to fight with you, fight for a better marriage, a healthier relationship, one that's built around our beliefs and culture. uh, what? You’re leaving. That’s not fighting with you. Crazy nonsense. GOD has to be first!! Meh, that’s just pulling the God card. Can’t be refuted, can’t be questioned. Gotta put God first. Right. Whatever.
> I've tried to give you the spacenonsense, I’m trying to give me space. “I need space”. Commonly used by cheaters when needing to be out of sight with another person that you were seeking to build a better relationship with [our son] and [our daughter] without me being a distraction.huh, with? I didn’t kniw having 2 parents at home was a distraction. Silly me. I've distanced myself to allow you to grow or build a better relationship with GODtotal 100% nonsense. I don't want to be involved in, nor do I want to hinder your growth with him, that's a personal journey. uh, yeah total bs. Out your boots on buddy, it’s getting deep
> Our family strength is dependent on the strength of our head. blame placed on you. You weren’t Godoy enough…. If you aren't strong the body can not survive. And, sometimes people need to step outside of the house in order to see what's actually going on inside the house. The toxicity in our House, in the relationships, in our marriage had to come to a STOP. no possibility that could be ALL one person’s fault, but you’re receiving blame Please don't take this the wrong way, but there is nothing on this earth that'll make me come back into that type of environment without the proper healing. Now, I'm not blaming you, just the environment that was created by what we had. We all have mental scars of what the environment produced. I keep saying, for me the change is in what GOD will do within you,the God card— no definitive things she’s mentioned that you need to change— so there’s no goalpost to reach. within me and within our children. You still have hate and malice in you heart and please don't deny it. You keep telling yourself and probably others that I cheated on you, when you even know I didn't. no, you don’t KNOW anything— red flag….We know there has been so many times in our 30+ year relationship that you have cheated on me[before marriage].hmmm. Cheated before marrrage. She’s cheating after I suspect
> All I've ever wanted was to be the best woman, mother and wife that I can be, but if it's not meant to be I'll just accept that and continue to grow my faith. I'm married to you for life regardless of a piece of paper, that's my beliefs. yeah, well you’re leaving, and that’s far more of a divorce by definition than your “beliefs”. You've never openly prayed with your family, you've never made GOD a priority in our lives. I often felt that sometimes you never made our marriage important or a priority for you. When no plain reasons exist or examples to cite, they pull the God card.
> Begin to seek out these things and you may start seeing a change in yourself, which could bridge the gap between us four
> So, my suggestion is to pray openly for your family to be restored, right all your wrongs, address the scars that you've caused for your family, ask for healing.
> It's up to you to decide ultimately, what's important in your life?
> 
> I will always love you and pray for your healing.
> 
> Your Wife 😘
> 
> ]


My take on this is that your wife just sent you a heaping pile of bs, and the truth is very simple. She doesn’t want to be married to you and wants to test drive other men and claim it’s ok because “we’re separated”. She wants to keep you hopeful, however, so she can still use you, maybe even for a fall back plan z option at best. Since she’s such a Godky woman, she needs all this nonsense she’s running through her noggin to justify what she’s actually doing, which is exploring other men while married.

Do not listen to this and file for divorce. If she wanted to be married to you she would be with you working on whatever problems there are.
Bringing up this cheating yiu dud before marriage is nonsense. If that was such a problem for her, she’d not have married you.

Don’t sit around waiting in this woman. She’s gone, she’s full of crap, and she’s just keeping you on the hook to use you.
Divorce and move on. You’ll never fix this.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> My take on this is that your wife just sent you a heaping pile of bs, and the truth is very simple. She doesn’t want to be married to you and wants to test drive other men and claim it’s ok because “we’re separated”. She wants to keep you hopeful, however, so she can still use you, maybe even for a fall back plan z option at best. Since she’s such a Godky woman, she needs all this nonsense she’s running through her noggin to justify what she’s actually doing, which is exploring other men while married.
> 
> Do not listen to this and file for divorce. If she wanted to be married to you she would be with you working on whatever problems there are.
> Bringing up this cheating yiu dud before marriage is nonsense. If that was such a problem for her, she’d not have married you.
> 
> Don’t sit around waiting in this woman. She’s gone, she’s full of crap, and she’s just keeping you on the hook to use you.
> Divorce and move on. You’ll never fix this.


I didn't at first, but I am actually seeing your points now.


----------



## 342693

MrBigBoy said:


> She emailed this to me a few days after I text her with my stand.
> [
> 
> Good Afternoon, I hope that you're well. I had to take some necessary time to process our last few conversation about our future. I wanted to be sure and clear on the best way to communicate to you my thoughts.
> Counseling is something that is needed if we choose to move forward, I do agree with that. The challenge for us I believe will be exactly how honest we are willing to be with each during the session. We've tried so many counselor and none were helpful because they weren't given a chance. I believe I've been upfront with you about my feelings and where I stand. I love you and I'm not seeking divorce, but that's something that you obviously want.
> 
> Reconciliation for me means time away while rebuilding who we are as individuals, finding our individual selves. We got married young and we're together even younger. We had an abusive beginning and honestly in some ways, it still is. I grew tired of blaming you, knocking you and fighting you. Now, I would like to fight with you, fight for a better marriage, a healthier relationship, one that's built around our beliefs and culture. GOD has to be first!!
> I've tried to give you the space that you were seeking to build a better relationship with [our son] and [our daughter] without me being a distraction. I've distanced myself to allow you to grow or build a better relationship with GOD. I don't want to be involved in, nor do I want to hinder your growth with him, that's a personal journey.
> Our family strength is dependent on the strength of our head. If you aren't strong the body can not survive. And, sometimes people need to step outside of the house in order to see what's actually going on inside the house. The toxicity in our House, in the relationships, in our marriage had to come to a STOP. Please don't take this the wrong way, but there is nothing on this earth that'll make me come back into that type of environment without the proper healing. Now, I'm not blaming you, just the environment that was created by what we had. We all have mental scars of what the environment produced. I keep saying, for me the change is in what GOD will do within you, within me and within our children. You still have hate and malice in you heart and please don't deny it. You keep telling yourself and probably others that I cheated on you, when you even know I didn't. We know there has been so many times in our 30+ year relationship that you have cheated on me[before marriage].
> All I've ever wanted was to be the best woman, mother and wife that I can be, but if it's not meant to be I'll just accept that and continue to grow my faith. I'm married to you for life regardless of a piece of paper, that's my beliefs. You've never openly prayed with your family, you've never made GOD a priority in our lives. I often felt that sometimes you never made our marriage important or a priority for you.
> Begin to seek out these things and you may start seeing a change in yourself, which could bridge the gap between us four
> So, my suggestion is to pray openly for your family to be restored, right all your wrongs, address the scars that you've caused for your family, ask for healing.
> It's up to you to decide ultimately, what's important in your life?
> 
> I will always love you and pray for your healing.
> 
> Your Wife 😘


I didn’t read the entire 44 page thread…but why did she leave? Did OP commit adultery?


----------



## MrBigBoy

SCDad01 said:


> I didn’t read the entire 44 page thread…but why did she leave? Did OP commit adultery?


Things were getting difficult, both working a lot. She started distancing herself on the couch, me on the laptop. We both started reading the bible more(together), but she started getting a little more religious. Almost like she felt that she had a "special" relationship with GOD. I think it got worse after that. I've never committed adultery, she's aware of that. From what I understand she thinks I was too controlling, and the environment was too toxic.
My first thought was: she's getting so religious because she probably cheated and feeling guilty.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Things were getting difficult, both working a lot. She started distancing herself on the couch, me on the laptop. We both started reading the bible more(together), but she started getting a little more religious. Almost like she felt that she had a "special" relationship with GOD. I think it got worse after that. I've never committed adultery, she's aware of that. From what I understand she thinks I was too controlling, and the environment was too toxic.
> My first thought was: she's getting so religious because she probably cheated and feeling guilty.


Did you cheat on her prior to being married?


----------



## 342693

MrBigBoy said:


> Things were getting difficult, both working a lot. She started distancing herself on the couch, me on the laptop. We both started reading the bible more(together), but she started getting a little more religious. Almost like she felt that she had a "special" relationship with GOD. I think it got worse after that. I've never committed adultery, she's aware of that. From what I understand she thinks I was too controlling, and the environment was too toxic.
> My first thought was: she's getting so religious because she probably cheated and feeling guilty.


A religious person doesn’t walk away from their spouse unless they have Biblical grounds. So her email was very hypocritical.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did you cheat on her prior to being married?


I did. A few times. After I did I would confess it to her. She never caught me.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SCDad01 said:


> A religious person doesn’t walk away from their spouse unless they have Biblical grounds. So her email was very hypocritical.


I sorta feel that way too. I don't even know how to respond to this email.


----------



## Evinrude58

If she knew before marriage and married you anyway….. and you’ve been faithful ever since—— she can’t use that as an excuse. However, I would’ve strongly advised her not to marry you.

A relationship with Jesus that gets used as a weapon to beat your spouse over the head with …..usually it isn’t a real relationship in my experience.

has she started attending church a lot more? Dressing up really nice when she goes? Shorter dresses than she’d Usually wear to church?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> If she knew before marriage and married you anyway….. and you’ve been faithful ever since—— she can’t use that as an excuse. However, I would’ve strongly advised her not to marry you.
> 
> A relationship with Jesus that gets used as a weapon to beat your spouse over the head with …..usually it isn’t a real relationship in my experience.
> 
> has she started attending church a lot more? Dressing up really nice when she goes? Shorter dresses than she’d Usually wear to church?


I was young, 19, 20, etc. I had sex with a few other girls. But I did stop before I married her. I have not been with another woman since I said, "I do."

Her dress style has changed, not in a sexier way at all, but the opposite plain and simple. She sits at home and reads 2-3 days a week. She's not affiliated with a church, as far as I know.


----------



## Evinrude58

What is her beef with you?
I didn’t see a single thing where she said, “you have to stop this, this, and this, and I’ll be able to come home. Just this vague “you’re toxic” bs. Are you toxic? She doesn’t want to fight. What do you fight about?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> What is her beef with you?
> I didn’t see a single thing where she said, “you have to stop this, this, and this, and I’ll be able to come home. Just this vague “you’re toxic” bs. Are you toxic? She doesn’t want to fight. What do you fight about?


Evinrude, welcome to my world. 

Most people find me funny, caring and friendly. I really don't know. The last 2 years she walked around like she wanted to just get away from me. She didn't want to go on vacation with me anymore. We usually went to Florida or NY. I just started buying her things, earrings, rings, Chanel purses, etc. She had no filter when we argued. I really don't know.


----------



## Evinrude58

How many years were things good? Something happened 2 years ago. Figure out what it was. Most likely another man.
When they get feelings for someone else, they lose them for you and you can do no right, hence the complaining. The feelings for you never come back, even if they want them to.
Best just to let her go. I’m sorry but you can’t fix this. She broke it two years ago.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> How many years were things good? Something happened 2 years ago. Figure out what it was. Most likely another man.
> When they get feelings for someone else, they lose them for you and you can do no right, hence the complaining. The feelings for you never come back, even if they want them to.
> Best just to let her go. I’m sorry but you can’t fix this. She broke it two years ago.


She confessed to talking to a co-worker during that time. She said it was only "talking." I don't have any real proof that she committed adultery. I plan to contact the guy's ex girlfriend to see if she would find out for me. 
I thought things were good, we had our ups and downs but things just got weird around 2-3 years ago.


----------



## Evinrude58

It doesn’t matter if she did or didn’t actually have sex with the guy. If her feelings were building for him, they were undergoing atrophy with you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> It doesn’t matter if she did or didn’t actually have sex with the guy. If her feelings were building for him, they were undergoing atrophy with you.


hmmm,,... right.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> It doesn’t matter if she did or didn’t actually have sex with the guy. If her feelings were building for him, they were undergoing atrophy with you.


Any way to call her bluff? Tell her to setup the counseling, etc. To see where she really is,... I don't think she really wants to go to counseling.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> Any way to call her bluff? Tell her to setup the counseling, etc. To see where she really is,... I don't think she really wants to go to counseling.


If she wanted to go to counseling she’d be at counseling and be at your home with you.
How many oriole do you know that said counseling was great and saved their marriage? I don’t know anyone. None.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> If she wanted to go to counseling she’d be at counseling and be at your home with you.
> How many oriole do you know that said counseling was great and saved their marriage? I don’t know anyone. None.


I personally don't believe in marriage counseling, not the people that are running it. So do nothing, say nothing, and just forget her and divorce her?


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> I personally don't believe in marriage counseling, not the people that are running it. So do nothing, say nothing, and just forget her and divorce her?


What other option is there? 
sit in limbo and pray a woman comes back that doesn’t really loves you and just makes you miserable?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> What other option is there?
> sit in limbo and pray a woman comes back that doesn’t really loves you and just makes you miserable?


If there are no steps on her end within or before the 12 months, I will be filing.


----------



## Evinrude58

You’ve got to be separated 12 months? That’s horrendous. My state is that way too. That law needs changing.
Don’t wait 12 months to start changing your life. Start building a life without her.
I’m really sorry but……… she’s not coming back.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> You’ve got to be separated 12 months? That’s horrendous. My state is that way too. That law needs changing.
> Don’t wait 12 months to start changing your life. Start building a life without her.
> I’m really sorry but……… she’s not coming back.


To be honest I have been doing things with that in mind. I have been talking with someone for 5-6 months now. But I don't know if I'll settle with her. I'm looking to start a new business after the divorce, right now I'm taking a few classes. I have been reading books on self improving, alpha books, after divorce books, etc. And losing weight to have better options.


----------



## Evinrude58

MrBigBoy said:


> To be honest I have been doing things with that in mind. I have been talking with someone for 5-6 months now. But I don't know if I'll settle with her. I'm looking to start a new business after the divorce, right now I'm taking a few classes. I have been reading books on self improving, alpha books, after divorce books, etc. And losing weight to have better options.


Wait, you’re seeing someone and at the same time thinking of going to counseling with your WIFE? Not cool bro.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Wait, you’re seeing someone and at the same time thinking of going to counseling with your WIFE? Not cool bro.


Only text/phone


----------



## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


> I personally don't believe in marriage counseling, not the people that are running it. So do nothing, say nothing, and just forget her and divorce her?


If she wants to go to marriage counseling, go to marriage counseling. I’m not a big believer in it either, but if she wants to try it, go for it. But ONLY if the separation ends.

The one core, simple, foundational non-negotiable, is that there can be no separation.
Separation is always ********, and it's always a lie. 
She's either your wife or she's not. Do not accept anything in between. 
You both can work on your issues together under the same roof. You can give each other space at home without a separation.

if she will not end the separation immediately, she is choosing to no longer be your wife. Everything else is ********.

Tell her that you still love her, want to make your marriage work, and are willing to work with her to rebuild, but she needs to be 100% in or 100% out. And if she’s in, the separation ends now. Otherwise she is leaving you no choice but to move forward with divorce.


----------



## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> If she wants to go to marriage counseling, go to marriage counseling. I’m not a big believer in it either, but if she wants to try it, go for it. But ONLY if the separation ends.
> 
> The one core, simple, foundational non-negotiable, is that there can be no separation.
> Separation is always ******, and it's always a lie.
> She's either your wife or she's not. Do not accept anything in between.
> You both can work on your issues together under the same roof. You can give each other space at home without a separation.
> 
> if she will not end the separation immediately, she is choosing to no longer be your wife. Everything else is ******.
> 
> Tell her that you still love her, want to make your marriage work, and are willing to work with her to rebuild, but she needs to be 100% in or 100% out. And if she’s in, the separation ends now. Otherwise she is leaving you no choice but to move forward with divorce.


I agree with you. Thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I just hate talking to her via text, phone or emails, she talks and dances around and not straight forward. She asks me questions and I give direct answers, but she dances. But I agree with you both Evinrude58 and DudeInProgress, thank you. I'm going to just sit on this and not respond to her email for now. But I will tell her to call me after she sets up the counseling. And let her know that if I do not hear back with a counseling date(and a return home date) by the 11th month of this separation that I will file.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I would love to hear anyone's opinion on my steps that I mentioned. Any suggestions on if I should tell her to contact me after she sets it up? And if I should even consider counseling with her at all? Thanks.


----------



## snowbum

So are you setting and virtually cheating? If so it’s done


----------



## uwe.blab

MrBigBoy said:


> She confessed to talking to a co-worker during that time. She said it was only "talking." I don't have any real proof that she committed adultery. I plan to contact the guy's ex girlfriend to see if she would find out for me.
> I thought things were good, we had our ups and downs but things just got weird around 2-3 years ago.


See @FloridaPool thread. He cannot stand his wife and coincidentally has his eye on a woman in the office and would love to 'see where that could go'. Even if it wasn't physical it definitely affected her feelings toward you.


----------



## HarryBosch

Evinrude58 said:


> Wait, you’re seeing someone and at the same time thinking of going to counseling with your WIFE? Not cool bro.


I see this in a lot on these threads. People have marriage issues, see they have them, divorce, and six months later declare a clean bill of health.

I just recently had a very young lady ask me out. Too young. This woman was awful tempting. Mind you, I am divorced, but divorced only six months. I'm in no place to be dating anyone at this point. Even if the circumstances were she just wanted a romp in bed every now and then, I'm not in a place mental health wise to be even considering it. I'd just be a tool. Part of my recovery is becoming independent and NOT being anyone's tool, so I know from the get go I have nothing to offer this woman other than a roll in the sack. (Which might be fun.. but where does that lead?)

Divorce is traumatic, and it shouldn't be taken lightly. If you don't get into a better place mentally, the problems you are trying to work on will just continue.


----------



## HarryBosch

MrBigBoy said:


> I would love to hear anyone's opinion on my steps that I mentioned. Any suggestions on if I should tell her to contact me after she sets it up? And if I should even consider counseling with her at all? Thanks.


You seem to have target dates.. I'm going to do this or that... at this time. Are you taking the same tact when it comes to moving on? You need to start preparing for that NOW. Independence doesn't hurt, in fact, many here will tell you it is an attractive quality... why not start now, and if things were to work out, you walk away a wiser man.

By the way... if she sets up counseling, let her let you know.. don't go begging, don't check in and see. If she's serious, she'll let you know.


----------



## MrBigBoy

snowbum said:


> So are you setting and virtually cheating? If so it’s done


huh?


----------



## MrBigBoy

uwe.blab said:


> See @FloridaPool thread. He cannot stand his wife and coincidentally has his eye on a woman in the office and would love to 'see where that could go'. Even if it wasn't physical it definitely affected her feelings toward you.


not sure what you're saying


----------



## MrBigBoy

I am not seeing anyone. I talked to a couple of women on a dating site. I did this within 90 days after she left me. I was under the impression she wanted a divorce. I have not met anyone off the site, just chatting.


----------



## MrBigBoy

HarryBosch said:


> You seem to have target dates.. I'm going to do this or that... at this time. Are you taking the same tact when it comes to moving on? You need to start preparing for that NOW. Independence doesn't hurt, in fact, many here will tell you it is an attractive quality... why not start now, and if things were to work out, you walk away a wiser man.
> 
> By the way... if she sets up counseling, let her let you know.. don't go begging, don't check in and see. If she's serious, she'll let you know.


Ive been on my own since she left 7 months ago, I can't help but be independent. In my earlier post I mentioned the things Ive done since she's been gone Harry.


----------



## MrBigBoy

uwe.blab said:


> See @FloridaPool thread. He cannot stand his wife and coincidentally has his eye on a woman in the office and would love to 'see where that could go'. Even if it wasn't physical it definitely affected her feelings toward you.


I know feelings can come about through non sexual relations.


----------



## MrBigBoy

uwe.blab said:


> See @FloridaPool thread. He cannot stand his wife and coincidentally has his eye on a woman in the office and would love to 'see where that could go'. Even if it wasn't physical it definitely affected her feelings toward you.


And to be honest I do feel she could never acquire a guy equivalent to my status, not now. She would be taking a step down, but I don't want to sound arrogant, I just think she made a bad decision that will eventually bite her. I sorta feel sorry for her. Her mother is very bitter, difficult, and has always lived alone.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Stop pushing off action until some point in the future. 
Do not wait until the 11th month of your separation to take action, that’s ridiculous and counterproductive. 
Do not give her another four months to string you along while doing whatever (or whoever) she wants. Set your standards, set your boundaries now, and start enforcing them now.

It’s already been seven months for ****s sake. If she’s not willing/able to end the separation and work together as husband and wife, under the same roof, she’s not going to be. You’re just being played.
If she’s not willing to come home now, like this week, you need to move forward with divorce.

Waiting another four months to take the action that should’ve been taken months ago, will end very badly for you. 
Taking the correct action, months too late = failure. Stop letting your fear and weakness paralyze you and delay the actions that you need to take now.


----------



## uwe.blab

MrBigBoy said:


> And to be honest I do feel she could never acquire a guy equivalent to my status, not now. She would be taking a step down, but I don't want to sound arrogant, I just think she made a bad decision that will eventually bite her. I sorta feel sorry for her. Her mother is very bitter, difficult, and has always lived alone.


I was pointing out your wife's actions and how they line up with @FloridaPool in his thread. She coincidentally was not engaging with you at about the same time she was 'just talking' with some guy at work. His thread is all about how he deserves better than his wife...and coincidentally he has been 'just talking' to a woman at work. Even if it is 'just talking' it is going to color your viewpoint toward your partner, especially if you started out with problems. He won't say if his wife knows about his dalliances, but sounds like you were at least aware...


----------



## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> Stop pushing off action until some point in the future.
> Do not wait until the 11th month of your separation to take action, that’s ridiculous and counterproductive.
> Do not give her another four months to string you along while doing whatever (or whoever) she wants. Set your standards, set your boundaries now, and start enforcing them now.
> 
> It’s already been seven months for ****s sake. If she’s not willing/able to end the separation and work together as husband and wife, under the same roof, she’s not going to be. You’re just being played.
> If she’s not willing to come home now, like this week, you need to move forward with divorce.
> 
> Waiting another four months to take the action that should’ve been taken months ago, will end very badly for you.
> Taking the correct action, months too late = failure. Stop letting your fear and weakness paralyze you and delay the actions that you need to take now.


I have to wait 12 months here before filing. Does everyone agree with DudeInProgress, either she come home within a week or else?


----------



## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


> I have to wait 12 months here before filing. Does everyone agree with DudeInProgress, either she come home within a week or else?


Not “or else”
If she’s not willing to be your wife at this point, you need to move on for your own well being.

She left you 7 months ago. That’s 7 months too long already. Nothing gets resolved or improved during a separation. It just gives her time and opportunity to move on without you.
If she’s not willing to work on your marriage together, now, you need to move on.

Edit
I’m not even suggesting you put it to her that way.
Don’t make a threat or an ultimatum “if you don’t do X I’ll do Y“
Just tell her that the only way to move forward is together and that if she’s not willing to and the separation immediately, you have to go forward on your own. And leave it at that.
You don’t have to tell her you’re going to file paperwork on Monday if she’s not back home, you just do it.


----------



## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> Not “or else”
> If she’s not willing to be your wife at this point, you need to move on for your own well being.
> 
> She left you 7 months ago. That’s 7 months too long already. Nothing gets resolved or improved during a separation. It just gives her time and opportunity to move on without you.
> If she’s not willing to work on your marriage together, now, you need to move on.
> 
> Edit
> I’m not even suggesting you put it to her that way.
> Don’t make a threat or an ultimatum “if you don’t do X I’ll do Y“
> Just tell her that the only way to move forward is together and that if she’s not willing to and the separation immediately, you have to go forward on your own. And leave it at that.
> You don’t have to tell her you’re going to file paperwork on Monday if she’s not back home, you just do it.


Ok, thanks. Believe it or not this is what I need to hear, actual steps. I really do. This situation is making me really unsure of myself. Thank you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> Not “or else”
> If she’s not willing to be your wife at this point, you need to move on for your own well being.
> 
> She left you 7 months ago. That’s 7 months too long already. Nothing gets resolved or improved during a separation. It just gives her time and opportunity to move on without you.
> If she’s not willing to work on your marriage together, now, you need to move on.
> 
> Edit
> I’m not even suggesting you put it to her that way.
> Don’t make a threat or an ultimatum “if you don’t do X I’ll do Y“
> Just tell her that the only way to move forward is together and that if she’s not willing to and the separation immediately, you have to go forward on your own. And leave it at that.
> You don’t have to tell her you’re going to file paperwork on Monday if she’s not back home, you just do it.


So just say, "The only way to move forward is together and if you're not willing to do that, along with ending this separation, I have no choice but to go forward on my own." ?


----------



## Jimi007

Yes


----------



## Evinrude58

If you’ve been separated for 7 months, there’s nothing to end. It’s BEEN ended and you’ve not accepted it. Her email is bogus bs. Have you seen an attorney? You should have had an agreement in place for a while now, signed by your soon to be ex. If not, you’re delaying, stalling. You and her need to sit down at your attorney’a office and hash out the specifics.

So when the 12 months is over, you will have something to file.
Be cordial. Don’t be nice. Don’t ask her what she can do or if she really wants to divorce. She does. Or she’d be home. 7 months??? Geez.

Get a divorce agreement in place like you should’ve done a long time ago.


----------



## Marc878

Words vs actions.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Had my first paid consultation today. Lawyer said I should file for suspected adultery now. I won't have to wait to file for that. I don't know where her(my stbxw) cousin lives but I found out today where she is working. The lawyer said she had a P.I. that could find out where she works if I couldn't find out, but I did.


----------



## Evinrude58

Taking action and starting a new life will help you get mentally back to yourself and happy again. Bravo


----------



## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


> Had my first paid consultation today. Lawyer said I should file for suspected adultery now. I won't have to wait to file for that. I don't know where her(my stbxw) cousin lives but I found out today where she is working. The lawyer said she had a P.I. that could find out where she works if I couldn't find out, but I did.


So DO it. Now. Like tomorrow, Friday 26 August.
No more passive delaying.


----------



## 342693

HarryBosch said:


> I see this in a lot on these threads. People have marriage issues, see they have them, divorce, and six months later declare a clean bill of health.
> 
> I just recently had a very young lady ask me out. Too young. This woman was awful tempting. Mind you, I am divorced, but divorced only six months. I'm in no place to be dating anyone at this point. Even if the circumstances were she just wanted a romp in bed every now and then, I'm not in a place mental health wise to be even considering it. I'd just be a tool. Part of my recovery is becoming independent and NOT being anyone's tool, so I know from the get go I have nothing to offer this woman other than a roll in the sack. (Which might be fun.. but where does that lead?)
> 
> Divorce is traumatic, and it shouldn't be taken lightly. If you don't get into a better place mentally, the problems you are trying to work on will just continue.


Man, I would give you 1000 likes if I could. You get the trauma of divorce (2nd most painful experience in life after the death of a spouse). 

Taking the time to heal will set you well for future relationships. Well done!


----------



## 342693

MrBigBoy said:


> Had my first paid consultation today. Lawyer said I should file for suspected adultery now. I won't have to wait to file for that. I don't know where her(my stbxw) cousin lives but I found out today where she is working. The lawyer said she had a P.I. that could find out where she works if I couldn't find out, but I did.


What state do you live in? Most states are no fault so adultery means nothing.

And there are other ways to notify her without a PI. To be honest, it sounds like your lawyer wants to rack up a huge legal bill for you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SCDad01 said:


> What state do you live in? Most states are no fault so adultery means nothing.
> 
> And there are other ways to notify her without a PI. To be honest, it sounds like your lawyer wants to rack up a huge legal bill for you.


Your thinking is incorrect SCDad(are you in SC too). The attorney said the notice(summons) could be published if we could not locate her whereabouts. The lawyer mention her P.I. could find out where she works via social security number also. But I figured out where she works. 
I'm in SC and adultery is serious here, a woman could lose alimony over it. The lawyer also thinks my business would be okay. She went into details and explained after I gave her the situation. My stbxw went through a class and got a diploma in a good paying career. She will be starting a new career. The attorney thinks there will be no alimony, but if so, it would be very little. 
The attorney thinks my stbxw is trying to hold on to me, "just in case" things doesn't work out for her. And she went down a few other things in detail. This is why I wanted a female attorney. I figured she would understand in better detail of what my stbxw would be thinking.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SCDad01 said:


> What state do you live in? Most states are no fault so adultery means nothing.
> 
> And there are other ways to notify her without a PI. To be honest, it sounds like your lawyer wants to rack up a huge legal bill for you.


Also, the adultery and the "no fault" are 2 different things and 2 different situations.


----------



## HarryBosch

MrBigBoy said:


> Ive been on my own since she left 7 months ago, I can't help but be independent. In my earlier post I mentioned the things Ive done since she's been gone Harry.


Yes, but you seemed mired in quicksand at the time.If you taking action now, good for you. I'm at 7 months and I've been divorced 4 of those months. I know it is different laws, but you could be in a better place recovery wise had you saw the writing on the wall initially.

Divorce yourself in your mind now, when its time to serve up the papers, serve them and get on with recovering. 

In my opinion waiting to to divorce must be brutal. You want to move on but you continually have to stew over the details, and you're constantly bombarded with thoughts and feelings. Must be a roller coaster. I'm glad where I live we filed and within a month it was over... I'm not glad it's over (Marriage)... but once you know you're done, recovery can start much sooner.


----------



## 342693

MrBigBoy said:


> Also, the adultery and the "no fault" are 2 different things and 2 different situations.


Sorry, totally missed your wife’s affair. That would definitely rule out alimony for her.

I didn’t hire a PI since my lawyer said it would be very expensive. I just did my own digging around. She had moved out and there was a truck at her house a lot. I ran the tag, got the guy’s name and my attorney slipped it into the discovery paperwork we sent my ex. And at the same time, told my ex’s attorney we would contest any alimony. That did the trick. She assumed we hired a PI and had tons of stuff and never asked for alimony.


----------



## Evinrude58

Just a note from experience. I would not look for a female attorney. There is zero advantage in that. Look for one that has a reputation for ass kicking because they’re good at their job, they care about keeping that reputation, they’re hard workers, and actually care a little about their client.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SCDad01 said:


> Sorry, totally missed your wife’s affair. That would definitely rule out alimony for her.
> 
> I didn’t hire a PI since my lawyer said it would be very expensive. I just did my own digging around. She had moved out and there was a truck at her house a lot. I ran the tag, got the guy’s name and my attorney slipped it into the discovery paperwork we sent my ex. And at the same time, told my ex’s attorney we would contest any alimony. That did the trick. She assumed we hired a PI and had tons of stuff and never asked for alimony.


You missed the suggestion about an affair? But you actually said, "What state do you live in? Most states are no fault so adultery means nothing. "


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> Just a note from experience. I would not look for a female attorney. There is zero advantage in that. Look for one that has a reputation for ass kicking because they’re good at their job, they care about keeping that reputation, they’re hard workers, and actually care a little about their client.


ok


----------



## 342693

MrBigBoy said:


> You missed the suggestion about an affair? But you actually said, "What state do you live in? Most states are no fault so adultery means nothing. "


Missed your wife was the one that had the affair. You seem testy man…chill


----------



## MrBigBoy

SCDad01 said:


> Missed your wife was the one that had the affair. You seem testy man…chill


Not testy, just think we should understand thoroughly before giving what we feel is sound advice.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SCDad01 said:


> Missed your wife was the one that had the affair. You seem testy man…chill


You said adultery means nothing. In fact, there are options if its even suspected before even proven to be a fact.


----------



## Sfort

My radar just went off.



MrBigBoy said:


> I think we have to live apart for 12 months. Should I not give her any signs that I am going to do this? The state is NC.





MrBigBoy said:


> I'm in SC and adultery is serious here, a woman could lose alimony over it.


OP doesn't know what state he's in.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Sfort said:


> My radar just went off.
> 
> 
> 
> OP doesn't know what state he's in.


No, Im in SC my stbxw is in NC. Some of the comments are getting too catty, a little on the mitchy side.


----------



## Evinrude58

I’ve never used the word catty in my entire life until this sentence. Guys use that word?


----------



## MrBigBoy

And I come here for advice.


----------



## MrBigBoy

The attorney said it would cost $3000 to file the divorce due to suspicion of adultery. Is this a good price?


----------



## Wolfman1968

Just to file or the whole process?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wolfman1968 said:


> Just to file or the whole process?


I'm not sure but I think it includes 2-3 things that she mentioned. I'll have to double check. But I think it includes the typed costumed paperwork for the adultery(no template), the paperwork for the court summons, something about an affidavit, etc. When you say "whole process", is there something else? She may have said it I just don't remember it.


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm not sure but I think it includes 2-3 things that she mentioned. I'll have to double check. But I think it includes the typed costumed paperwork for the adultery(no template), the paperwork for the court summons, something about an affidavit, etc. When you say "whole process", is there something else? She may have said it I just don't remember it.


Well, I'm saying that if it's $3000 to get you from filing all the way through to a finalized divorce decree signed off by a judge, that's not so bad. Attorney in a larger city might charge, maybe, $300/hr? So $3000 would represent 10 hours work? If they charged $500/hr, it would represent 6 hours work?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wolfman1968 said:


> Well, I'm saying that if it's $3000 to get you from filing all the way through to a finalized divorce decree signed off by a judge, that's not so bad. Attorney in a larger city might charge, maybe, $300/hr? So $3000 would represent 10 hours work? If they charged $500/hr, it would represent 6 hours work?


I will try to check with her tomorrow, to see if it's through the final divorce decree signed off by a judge. Thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wolfman1968 said:


> Well, I'm saying that if it's $3000 to get you from filing all the way through to a finalized divorce decree signed off by a judge, that's not so bad. Attorney in a larger city might charge, maybe, $300/hr? So $3000 would represent 10 hours work? If they charged $500/hr, it would represent 6 hours work?


I called. It covers the divorce decree, yes.


----------



## Lostinthought61

MrBigBoy said:


> I called. It covers the divorce decree, yes.


then that is cheap...go for it asap


----------



## MrBigBoy

I was trying to understand what the front office lady was saying but didn't fully understand. Can my stbxw prolong this to make it expensive for me after I pay that $3k and she gets the summons? The office mentioned something about me paying for mediation and a few other things. I don't think my stbxw will be compliant.


----------



## Openminded

Yes, she can make things difficult if she chooses. She can contest the divorce. If she does, that can become very expensive. The price you’ve been quoted is for an uncontested divorce where both parties agree on division of assets, etc. When both parties don’t agree on division of assets, etc. — or if one party says they don’t want a divorce and the marriage is not irretrievably broken — that’s when it gets tricky. You want to avoid that if possible but sometimes you can’t and then you have no idea what the cost is likely to be.


----------



## Openminded

Mediation is to get both parties together to agree on division of assets, etc., and then you both sign off on the agreement — but only IF you both agree. If one of you doesn’t agree (her, for example) you’re looking at a contested divorce.


----------



## MrBigBoy

The stbxw said she would accept the divorce but not the terms that I mentioned. She I try again to come to an agreement first?


----------



## Openminded

Try to come to an agreement without a mediator at first. If that doesn’t work, try a mediator. If that doesn’t work, she’ll get a lawyer to make a deal for her and that’s when it has the potential to get really expensive.


----------



## Openminded

Sit down with her and a notebook to write things down in. Ask what she wants. Tell her what you’re willing to accept. Don’t be surprised if you’re far apart on stuff. You may have to negotiate for awhile so this may not be a quick process. But putting a joint signed agreement before the judge is the best way.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> Sit down with her and a notebook to write things down in. Ask what she wants. Tell her what you’re willing to accept. Don’t be surprised if you’re far apart on stuff. You may have to negotiate for awhile so this may not be a quick process. But putting a joint signed agreement before the judge is the best way.


Ok. Thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm keeping in mind how difficult she could be, how would I go about getting a mediator or starting the mediation process?


----------



## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm keeping in mind how difficult she could be, how would I go about getting a mediator or starting the mediation process?


Ask your attorney. Let them guide the process and advise you. That’s their job.


----------



## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> Ask your attorney. Let them guide the process and advise you. That’s their job.


Huh?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Huh?


It wasn't a hard to understand comment. You should be seeking the advice of your lawyer on everything having to do with your divorce. It is a legal matter, so talk to the expert that you are paying for.


----------



## Openminded

Your attorney can very likely recommend a mediator since they are a common resource in divorce.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> It wasn't a hard to understand comment. You should be seeking the advice of your lawyer on everything having to do with your divorce. It is a legal matter, so talk to the expert that you are paying for.


What?


----------



## Personal

MrBigBoy said:


> What?


What?


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> I was trying to understand what the front office lady was saying but didn't fully understand. Can my stbxw prolong this to make it expensive for me after I pay that $3k and she gets the summons? The office mentioned something about me paying for mediation and a few other things. I don't think my stbxw will be compliant.


Well, a difficult individual can always drag it out. My ex-wife was so ridiculous that I ended up paying well into 6 figures for legal fees for our divorce. 

So if you get everything done for $3k, you're doing great. But that $3k estimate is likely only for a smooth, easy divorce with no bumps.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wolfman1968 said:


> Well, a difficult individual can always drag it out. My ex-wife was so ridiculous that I ended up paying well into 6 figures for legal fees for our divorce.
> 
> So if you get everything done for $3k, you're doing great. But that $3k estimate is likely only for a smooth, easy divorce with no bumps.


Yeah, I understand that. Just trying to learn and know my options.

Two things are concerning me a little; 
*#1.* Someone is probably pushing her to get what she can from me, attorney, family or "friend." I don't have much, she is delusional. 
*#2*. I don't think she wants to get legally divorced, so I am thinking it's going to be very costly(the attorney says it sounds like she wants to hold onto me just in case things are too hard for her out there)(I think she just wants to stay connected to me thinking if I increase my future income she will be entitled to half(is this correct?)).


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah, I understand that. Just trying to learn and know my options.
> 
> Two things are concerning me a little; #1. Someone is probably pushing her to get what she can from me, attorney, family or "friend." #2. I don't think she wants to get legally divorced, so I am thinking it's going to be very costly.


What makes you think she doesn't want to get divorced? She just wants to live the single life, but remain married?


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> What makes you think she doesn't want to get divorced? She just wants to live the single life, but remain married?


She sorta mentioned it a few times in the past. I never really took it seriously. I think she wants to stay married but just not be together. I know it sounds weird. She wants the independence but call on me when she needs help. She thought my sister's relationship was cool. I don't. The have an "understanding," is what they(my sister and her husband) call it. They live together but just as partners now, married over 50 years. I'm assuming this is what she wants but taking it a step further by having her own place, and "freedom." The mindset of today's women.
Plus in the email I sent and her texts, she said it. That she wasn't thinking of divorce, just separation.


----------



## Openminded

She prefers to remain married but living separately so you’re there for whatever she may need you for. That obviously benefits her but definitely not you.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Does she expect you to be faithful to her while she does these oats? What is the benefit to you? It’s hard to see there being one. Who are these crazy women that think they can do this to someone?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> She prefers to remain married but living separately so you’re there for whatever she may need you for. That obviously benefits her but definitely not you.


Yeah. I'm not doing that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TexasMom1216 said:


> Does she expect you to be faithful to her while she does these oats? What is the benefit to you? It’s hard to see there being one. Who are these crazy women that think they can do this to someone?


I don't know, and I'm not waiting around like a puppet. She may even be okay with me being with other women, as long as she is legally married to me. I don't think she'll ever be "in love" with me again, but she just wants to know that I am there to save her when she needs saving something. That's my guess.


----------



## TexasMom1216

MrBigBoy said:


> I don't know, and I'm not waiting around like a puppet. She may even be okay with me being with other women, as long as she is legally married to me. I don't think she'll ever be "in love" with me again, but she just wants to know that I am there to save her when she needs saving something. That's my guess.


F that noise. No one ever deserves to be someone's plan B.


----------



## MrBigBoy

TexasMom1216 said:


> F that noise. No one ever deserves to be someone's plan B.


Right.


----------



## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah. I'm not doing that.


But you are. Or at least you have been for the last seven months. 
It only changes when you act. 
It’s good that you’re starting to make plans, but there’s a big difference between planning and executing.
I would suggest that it’s time to start executing now, not in another five months.


----------



## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> But you are. Or at least you have been for the last seven months.
> It only changes when you act.
> It’s good that you’re starting to make plans, but there’s a big difference between planning and executing.
> I would suggest that it’s time to start executing now, not in another five months.


What?


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> What?


It seems now that everytime someone says something to push you to act, you can't handle it and have resorted to say "what", that or you're on something. 
But I know that the year will end another one will begins, and you will be still saying "what", but still you would have done nothing. How much you want to bet?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> It seems now that everytime someone says something to push you to act, you can't handle it and have resorted to say "what", that or you're on something.
> But I know that the year will end another one will begins, and you will be still saying "what", but still you would have done nothing. How much you want to bet?


What?


----------



## MrBigBoy

My son overheard my discussion about *mediation*. It will be $250 per hour for each(the husband and the wife). There should really be a sliding scale on this. This cost makes no since to people making below an ideal income. Just my opinion. But *my son* overheard the conversation and later asked me, "Why don't you let me mediate for you two?" I told him, "No." right away, but have been thinking why not? What do you all think? Should I at least ask his mom if that's ok or have him call her and ask? I really just want a person to translate my thoughts to her and vice versa. I really want no direct correspondence with her. So what do you all think?


----------



## Trident

MrBigBoy said:


> What?


It's not funny. It's true. 

You talk about how you won't live like this, but you continue to live like this. 

Queue the next "What"?


----------



## Trident

MrBigBoy said:


> *my son* overheard the conversation and later asked me, "Why don't you let me mediate for you two?" I told him, "No." right away, but have been thinking why not? What do you all think?


You cannot possibly be serious.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Trident said:


> It's not funny. It's true.
> 
> You talk about how you won't live like this, but you continue to live like this.
> 
> Queue the next "What"?


What?


----------



## Trident

Joke all you want, life is passing you by while you waste it with a woman who doesn't give a rat's ass about you.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> What?


Your wife.....what was her relationship like with her parents while growing up?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> My son overheard my discussion about *mediation*. It will be $250 per hour for each(the husband and the wife). There should really be a sliding scale on this. This cost makes no since to people making below an ideal income. Just my opinion. But *my son* overheard the conversation and later asked me, "Why don't you let me mediate for you two?" I told him, "No." right away, but have been thinking why not? What do you all think? Should I at least ask his mom if that's ok or have him call her and ask? I really just want a person to translate my thoughts to her and vice versa. I really want no direct correspondence with her. So what do you all think?


I think that is one of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard. You would let your lazy stoner son mediate, lol. Now I've heard it all.


----------



## Rob_1

Trident said:


> Joke all you want, life is passing you by while you waste it with a woman who doesn't give a rat's ass about you.


That's his passive-aggressive response, because that's all he has the courage to do. As fat as she might be now, as old as she might be now, as not so hot anymore that she might be now, the bottom line is the moment she would snap her fingers he would immediately be by her side like a puppy wagging his tail, and all he has said and done (or not done) would immediately be forgotten. he would finally be at his heart content. That's how much self respect and dignity he has.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Your wife.....what was her relationship like with her parents while growing up?


*Her Mother*
She didn't really like her mother. She loved and respected her, but didn't want to be like her. Her mother used her and her sister to do everything around the house for her. She was a bitter, mean and arguably a senile woman. Her mother never had a man to stick around long, never had a real relationship with a man, just sex. My stbxw once said(when we were young and dating) that she wished my mother was her mother. Her mother would sit around the house having her to do everything around the house and running errands for her. At 16 she would work a few days a week after school. Her mother hated when we started dating. Her aunts/sisters loved me.
*Her Father*
Her father went to prison when she was about 5 years old. He got out about a year before I married her. He was a nice guy. He was very reasonable and wise. She wanted to know if I thought it was okay that she see him when he got out, I told her absolutely. He's your dad, I told her. He was a really nice guy. Her whole family hated him. But they had a really beautiful relationship. He was a father figure to me. He gave her away to me at the wedding. My parents and her parents were at the wedding. Beautiful times. He passed away about 10 years ago. He loved her and she loved him.
Good question, thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Trident said:


> You cannot possibly be serious.


I thought about this during work today, yeah, I agree bad idea.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think that is one of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard. You would let your lazy stoner son mediate, lol. Now I've heard it all.


Lol. What?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> That's his passive-aggressive response, because that's all he has the courage to do. As fat as she might be now, as old as she might be now, as not so hot anymore that she might be now, the bottom line is the moment she would snap her fingers he would immediately be by her side like a puppy wagging his tail, and all he has said and done (or not done) would immediately be forgotten. he would finally be at his heart content. That's how much self respect and dignity he has.


To be honest I am up and down. Today Ive never felt so low. Almost like I have no reason to be here anymore. I have absolutely no one.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> *Her Mother*
> She didn't really like her mother. She loved and respected her, but didn't want to be like her. Her mother used her and her sister to do everything around the house for her. She was a bitter, mean and arguably a senile woman. Her mother never had a man to stick around long, never had a real relationship with a man, just sex. My stbxw once said(when we were young and dating) that she wished my mother was her mother. Her mother would sit around the house having her to do everything around the house and running errands for her. At 16 she would work a few days a week after school. Her mother hated when we started dating. Her aunts/sisters loved me.
> *Her Father*
> Her father went to prison when she was about 5 years old. He got out about a year before I married her. He was a nice guy. He was very reasonable and wise. She wanted to know if I thought it was okay that she see him when he got out, I told her absolutely. He's your dad, I told her. He was a really nice guy. Her whole family hated him. But they had a really beautiful relationship. He was a father figure to me. He gave her away to me at the wedding. My parents and her parents were at the wedding. Beautiful times. He passed away about 10 years ago. He loved her and she loved him.
> Good question, thanks.


Did you notice a change in her not long after her dad died?

How much contact does she have with her mom now? How much during your M/?

After her dad's death...did her parenting style change with your son? Can I ask why her dad was in jail?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Did you notice a change in her not long after her dad died?
> 
> How much contact does she have with her mom now? How much during your M/?
> 
> After her dad's death...did her parenting style change with your son? Can I ask why her dad was in jail?


Change in her after her dad? I don't recall any changes, but if something comes to mind I will let you know. But as of now, no change.

Contact with her mother? During the marriage hardly ever. I used to be the one that wanted to go to her mother's. I actually told her mother that. Her mother once accused me of keeping her daughter(my then wife at the time) away from her. I told her no, that I was the reason why we came in the past. My stbxw left me and went to her mother's place. I found out through my son that they couldn't get along so my stbxw had to leave(not sure if her mother told her to leave or if she just left) so she's currently at her cousin's house, and working full time.

Parenting style change after her dad's death? Nothing comes to mind, but if something pops up later I will let you know. When her dad passed our son was 7, our daughter was 14.

What her dad did, right now I'd rather not say, maybe later. Her dad was 57.


----------



## EleGirl

MrBigBoy said:


> My son overheard my discussion about *mediation*. It will be $250 per hour for each(the husband and the wife). There should really be a sliding scale on this. This cost makes no since to people making below an ideal income. Just my opinion. But *my son* overheard the conversation and later asked me, "Why don't you let me mediate for you two?" I told him, "No." right away, but have been thinking why not? What do you all think? Should I at least ask his mom if that's ok or have him call her and ask? I really just want a person to translate my thoughts to her and vice versa. I really want no direct correspondence with her. So what do you all think?


Do you and your wife go to any church? If so a pastor or priest will mediate for free.


----------



## MrBigBoy

EleGirl said:


> Do you and your wife go to any church? If so a pastor or priest will mediate for free.


No, no church.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Sometimes I feel sorta okay, but to be honest sometimes I feel like I have to fight for my sanity. I have to fight to make this not so overwhelming for me.


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> To be honest I am up and down. Today Ive never felt so low. Almost like I have no reason to be here anymore. I have absolutely no one.


You have you; which is the most important person that you should care for, because if you can't care or love yourself, who's going to care or love you more than themselves? Give yourself love first and the then you'll know what love is to give.


----------



## marko polo

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm keeping in mind how difficult she could be, how would I go about getting a mediator or starting the mediation process?


Mediation will be a waste of time if you expect your wife to be combative. She will be considering she has seen how well you have managed without her.


----------



## marko polo

MrBigBoy said:


> She sorta mentioned it a few times in the past. I never really took it seriously. I think she wants to stay married but just not be together. I know it sounds weird. She wants the independence but call on me when she needs help. She thought my sister's relationship was cool. I don't. The have an "understanding," is what they(my sister and her husband) call it. They live together but just as partners now, married over 50 years. I'm assuming this is what she wants but taking it a step further by having her own place, and "freedom." The mindset of today's women.
> Plus in the email I sent and her texts, she said it. That she wasn't thinking of divorce, just separation.


She needs you to pay the bills and keep the home. She doesn't actually want you around. Look at the last 7 months.


----------



## Personal

marko polo said:


> She needs you to pay the bills and keep the home. She doesn't actually want you around. Look at the last 7 months.


Wait for it, you're gonna get "What?" in response.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> You have you; which is the most important person that you should care for, because if you can't care or love yourself, who's going to care or love you more than themselves? Give yourself love first and the then you'll know what love is to give.


Yeah I know. I just feel alone. I've been looking at the microwave for weeks. It needs cleaning. But I have 100 things on my plate and I'm only getting 1 or 2 things done a day, some days nothing. I need an oil change, need to buy a new stove, I'll be needing a new set of tires soon, etc. I know it's mental but its affecting me physically and I can feel it in my body, I'm tired. I want to go golfing, but my mind is making my body want to just sit here, in my home. Hide. 
One of the oddest thing is how the day is shorter when you're alone. For the past 7 months Ive been doing a good job of faking it, and sometimes I even felt better. I've seen some progress. So I try to think about that. But yesterday at the grocery store I got that feeling like people looked at me like I was a plague. If one person looks at me like I'm a weird lonely loser it will do the job. My neighbor's wife sometimes looks at me like she feels sorry for me. Its obvious that my stbxw is gone, I just haven't officially told them, and I really don't want to tell them. Her husband said he noticed my huge weight drop. 
But I'm going to focus on thinking positive today.


----------



## MrBigBoy

marko polo said:


> Mediation will be a waste of time if you expect your wife to be combative. She will be considering she has seen how well you have managed without her.


I'm assuming. But I want to attempt to be sure. I don't expect her to be combative, but she could be.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Personal said:


> Wait for it, you're gonna get "What?" in response.


What?


----------



## MrBigBoy




----------



## Trident

What?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Trident said:


> What?


What?


----------



## Personal

MrBigBoy said:


> What?


What?


----------



## Rob_1

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah I know. I just feel alone. I've been looking at the microwave for weeks. It needs cleaning. But I have 100 things on my plate and I'm only getting 1 or 2 things done a day, some days nothing. I need an oil change, need to buy a new stove, I'll be needing a new set of tires soon, etc. I know it's mental but its affecting me physically and I can feel it in my body, I'm tired. I want to go golfing, but my mind is making my body want to just sit here, in my home. Hide.
> One of the oddest thing is how the day is shorter when you're alone. For the past 7 months Ive been doing a good job of faking it, and sometimes I even felt better. I've seen some progress. So I try to think about that. But yesterday at the grocery store I got that feeling like people looked at me like I was a plague. If one person looks at me like I'm a weird lonely loser it will do the job. My neighbor's wife sometimes looks at me like she feels sorry for me. Its obvious that my stbxw is gone, I just haven't officially told them, and I really don't want to tell them. Her husband said he noticed my huge weight drop.
> But I'm going to focus on thinking positive today.


At my age, just to get up is a drag sometimes, but the way I deal with it is going to bathroom dropping on the floor and start doing some push-ups and sit ups, then take a cold shower. That helps me to get ready for the day with a clear mind. At least it makes me do some things in the morning while I have the energy. You're a much younger dude, so probably if you try it, it could help you get out the funk early in the morning, and be able to do some of those task at hand before your mind starts to drift. Give it a try, if you're not doing anything like that when you get out of bed.


----------



## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


>


Stop the pity party and start doing the things you need to do in your own best interest


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Rob_1 said:


> At my age, just to get up is a drag sometimes, but the way I deal with it is going to bathroom dropping on the floor and start doing some push-ups and sit ups, then take a cold shower. That helps me to get ready for the day with a clear mind. At least it makes me do some things in the morning while I have the energy. You're a much younger dude, so probably if you try it, it could help you get out the funk early in the morning, and be able to do some of those task at hand before your mind starts to drift. Give it a try, if you're not doing anything like that when you get out of bed.


Not everyone can just drop to the floor and do push ups or whatever. Mental illness affects everyone and I feel like he may have clinical depression. Comments like above can make a depressed person feel worse. You mean well and would be good advice for some.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

@MrBigBoy 

I notice when someone isn't coping well and they aren't ok. Please have a breather, a day or 2 off to recharge and do something just for you. We can only do so much and add stress, depression, anxiety, lack of sleep etc etc and you are doing amazing to just get out of bed. Ignore all man up comments. They piss me off.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## Rob_1

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Not everyone can just drop to the floor and do push ups or whatever. Mental illness affects everyone and I feel like he may have clinical depression. Comments like above can make a depressed person feel worse. You mean well and would be good advice for some.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


If you read previous posts from him, you will know that he is or was going to the gym, and apparently he's capable. Exercise is extremely good for people with clinical depression. Plus it was a suggestion that he can take it or leave it as seen fit.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Rob_1 said:


> If you read previous posts from him, you will know that he is or was going to the gym, and apparently he's capable. Exercise is extremely good for people with clinical depression. Plus it was a suggestion that he can take it or leave it as seen fit.


No gym. I've been thinking of joining a karate class.


----------



## Trident

This thread reminded me of an old joke. It goes like this:

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier.

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That’ll do, I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn’t have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes please!"


----------



## DudeInProgress

MrBigBoy said:


> No gym. I've been thinking of joining a karate class.


Stop thinking, start doing.
Karate ok, BJJ better, neither is substitute for gym


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Rob_1 said:


> If you read previous posts from him, you will know that he is or was going to the gym, and apparently he's capable. Exercise is extremely good for people with clinical depression. Plus it was a suggestion that he can take it or leave it as seen fit.


Ahhh ok. Sorry. Hope things improve for him.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## MrBigBoy




----------



## MrBigBoy

I texted her the options and If I don't hear anything from her I plan to start the process with the attorney. #1. We agree to terms. #2. We pay for mediation($250 an hour, each). #3. We hire attorneys and let the courts decide. 
I text that and as of yet no response. I'm giving her 2 more days to respond. If she doesn't I'm going ahead with option #3.


----------



## MrBigBoy

In the meantime I'll be listening to this:


----------



## Chuck71




----------



## MrBigBoy

I have a side question: During the beginning of this relationship, before we were married my wife(gf then) told me that my older "friend" told her that he was physically attracted to her, while I was away for about a week. She was about 18 then and he was about 35(she knew him, she was in my circle), a member in my band at the time but he became a longtime "friends." She told me this right away, but I was stopped by my mom going to kick his ass(almost 30 years ago). So I never mentioned it to him. Well long story short he is the only person that I can call to talk to, I have no friends. Not even a "friend." I have been talking to him off and on throughout the years, but kept my distance. My brother just preaches to me. And he has been trying to reach out. But right now I have no one, should I continue not talking to this guy?


----------



## Evinrude58

Sure, let him know you’re having trouble with your wife—-who he stalked while you were out of town and hit on her and has been your only “friend” for years……..

sounds reasonable to me.


----------



## Rob_1

Dude, that guy should be as good as dead to you.


----------



## Chuck71

you really want to "recommend this" c'mon man


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> I have a side question: During the beginning of this relationship, before we were married my wife(gf then) told me that my older "friend" told her that he was physically attracted to her, while I was away for about a week. She was about 18 then and he was about 35(she knew him, she was in my circle), a member in my band at the time but he became a longtime "friends." She told me this right away, but I was stopped by my mom going to kick his ass(almost 30 years ago). So I never mentioned it to him. Well long story short he is the only person that I can call to talk to, I have no friends. Not even a "friend." I have been talking to him off and on throughout the years, but kept my distance. My brother just preaches to me. And he has been trying to reach out. But right now I have no one, should I continue not talking to this guy?


This makes about as much sense as having your stoner son act as your divorce mediator. You really aren't thinking straight.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I have a side question: During the beginning of this relationship, before we were married my wife(gf then) told me that my older "friend" told her that he was physically attracted to her, while I was away for about a week. She was about 18 then and he was about 35(she knew him, she was in my circle), a member in my band at the time but he became a longtime "friends." She told me this right away, but I was stopped by my mom going to kick his ass(almost 30 years ago). So I never mentioned it to him. Well long story short he is the only person that I can call to talk to, I have no friends. Not even a "friend." I have been talking to him off and on throughout the years, but kept my distance. My brother just preaches to me. And he has been trying to reach out. But right now I have no one, should I continue not talking to this guy?


Definition of friend- loyal, honest and trustworthy. It’s always actions versus words.


----------



## MrBigBoy

DudeInProgress said:


> Stop thinking, start doing.
> Karate ok, BJJ better, neither is substitute for gym


Why is the gym better?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> you really want to "recommend this" c'mon man


I'm really understanding that I am in a mentally weak, desperate and vulnerable state right now. So I come here for support and guidance in my decisions. I appreciate all of you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Doctor subscribed *Cymbalta*(30mg). I started taking it yesterday. I've never been on medications before. I would really appreciate any personal experiences with this medication. Thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I watched a YouTube video of a guy name Coach Lee. He talks about no contact with the dumper. So after I sent my stbxw the choices that would take place that I previously listed, she never responded. So after watching the Coach Lee videos I wanted to stop all contact, but wanted to let her get some idea that I was not miserable. We would send good morning/good night texts to each other, everyday. A few text about how we were doing, etc. We did this for a week, everyday. After that I just stopped all contact after her last text, "good afternoon " 
While I do admit that I do hope that she realizes she's made a mistake I am working on me. I'm preparing ever day to move on. I feel that percentage of me wanting her back dropping every couple of days or so. I'm taking medication to hopefully help me psychologically. I'm talking to you guys for wisdom and support, and the bible for spiritual guidance. I've lost almost 70 pounds now and damn it feels good. I'm taking the steps, and I know it wont be easy. Keep in mind she's been my love for 30+ years, but I will do what is needed, in the speed that I can.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Why is the gym better?


Nothing beats resistance training.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I watched a YouTube video of a guy name Coach Lee. He talks about no contact with the dumper. So after I sent my stbxw the choices that would take place that I previously listed, she never responded. So after watching the Coach Lee videos I wanted to stop all contact, but wanted to let her get some idea that I was not miserable. We would send good morning/good night texts to each other, everyday. A few text about how we were doing, etc. We did this for a week, everyday. After that I just stopped all contact after her last text, "good afternoon "
> While I do admit that I do hope that she realizes she's made a mistake I am working on me. I'm preparing ever day to move on. I feel that percentage of me wanting her back dropping every couple of days or so. I'm taking medication to hopefully help me psychologically. I'm talking to you guys for wisdom and support, and the bible for spiritual guidance. I've lost almost 70 pounds now and damn it feels good. I'm taking the steps, and I know it wont be easy. Keep in mind she's been my love for 30+ years, but I will do what is needed, in the speed that I can.


Is there any reason why you just don't simply BLOCK her from your phone? That way, you won't even see any of her BS texts, and it will save you the pain of being pulled back in to think about her.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Nothing beats resistance training.


Oh


----------



## Marc878

jlg07 said:


> Is there any reason why you just don't simply BLOCK her from your phone? That way, you won't even see any of her BS texts, and it will save you the pain of being pulled back in to think about her.


He’s still living on hopium.


----------



## desperateindenver

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm really understanding that I am in a mentally weak, desperate and vulnerable state right now. So I come here for support and guidance in my decisions. I appreciate all of you.


I'm right there with you! I feel that and lost. Sorry I have no advice or insight, but wanted you to know you're not the only one


----------



## desperateindenver

MrBigBoy said:


> I watched a YouTube video of a guy name Coach Lee. He talks about no contact with the dumper. So after I sent my stbxw the choices that would take place that I previously listed, she never responded. So after watching the Coach Lee videos I wanted to stop all contact, but wanted to let her get some idea that I was not miserable. We would send good morning/good night texts to each other, everyday. A few text about how we were doing, etc. We did this for a week, everyday. After that I just stopped all contact after her last text, "good afternoon "
> While I do admit that I do hope that she realizes she's made a mistake I am working on me. I'm preparing ever day to move on. I feel that percentage of me wanting her back dropping every couple of days or so. I'm taking medication to hopefully help me psychologically. I'm talking to you guys for wisdom and support, and the bible for spiritual guidance. I've lost almost 70 pounds now and damn it feels good. I'm taking the steps, and I know it wont be easy. Keep in mind she's been my love for 30+ years, but I will do what is needed, in the speed that I can.


holy cow! 70 pounds! Awesome. I guess I'm months behind you as I've lost 20 pounds and have 50 more to go


----------



## MrBigBoy

desperateindenver said:


> holy cow! 70 pounds! Awesome. I guess I'm months behind you as I've lost 20 pounds and have 50 more to go


Yeah, unfortunately It wasn't planned initially. After my stbxw left I just ate less and wasn't aware until a neighbor mentioned my weight loss. I had lost about 34-40 pounds. So I took notice after that and continued working on my weight.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Update*: After we talked and I stopped all contact(I mentioned this previously) I finally get a text from her this morning: [ 6:32am _Good morning 'my name here,' I had you on my mind. Hope you have a great day. I love you_ 💖 ]


----------



## SadM83

How


MrBigBoy said:


> *Update*: After we talked and I stopped all contact(I mentioned this previously) I finally get a text from her this morning: [ 6:32am _Good morning 'my name here,' I had you on my mind. Hope you have a great day. I love you_ 💖 ]


How do U feel about it?


----------



## farsidejunky

BigDaddyNY said:


> Nothing beats resistance training.


Except BJJ. But then again, I'm a bit biased.

Few things clear the mind like trying to prevent some mat monster from trying to choke you out.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky

SadM83 said:


> How
> 
> How do U feel about it?


More importantly, how do you feel about yourself, knowing that part of you desperately needs affirmation from her?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## MrBigBoy

farsidejunky said:


> More importantly, how do you feel about yourself, knowing that part of you desperately needs affirmation from her?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Its definitely a wake up call for me. I have and will continue to work on me as an individual. But if there is a chance with her I do want it. But either way I will continue to work on me.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SadM83 said:


> How
> 
> How do U feel about it?


Mixed feelings.


----------



## Gregory Chaucery

MrBigBoy said:


> Mixed feelings.


That will stop when the relationship really ends.


----------



## SadM83

farsidejunky said:


> More importantly, how do you feel about yourself, knowing that part of you desperately needs affirmation from her?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Ok


farsidejunky said:


> More importantly, how do you feel about yourself, knowing that part of you desperately needs affirmation from her?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Ok. In my head, my question contains that. How he feels means everything, how he feels about himself and within himself. But yeah, you have a good point.


----------



## Chuck71

But she knows all she has to say is -let's start working things out- and you would jump through

flaming hoops to please her. Let's put a stop to that.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> *Update*: After we talked and I stopped all contact(I mentioned this previously) I finally get a text from her this morning: [ 6:32am _Good morning 'my name here,' I had you on my mind. Hope you have a great day. I love you_ 💖 ]


Awww, it’s words versus actions. It’s meaningless.
Learn to ignore or keep yourself bound.


----------



## MrBigBoy

So she's lying?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> But she knows all she has to say is -let's start working things out- and you would jump through
> 
> flaming hoops to please her. Let's put a stop to that.


But what if she's wanting something from me? What if she's trying to get something her way? Not saying that would be right, just a thought. Sometimes we do things not knowing how selfish it could be. I don't know.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Awww, it’s words versus actions. It’s meaningless.
> Learn to ignore or keep yourself bound.


What would be the benefit(s) of her telling me this?


----------



## jlg07

She's trying to keep you on the hook -- just enough to keep YOU interested in her.
Can't you just block her on your phone? Do you need to get texts from her?
Don't bother responding.


----------



## Chuck71

Block her #s..... I promise she will want to get in touch with you after a day or so


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> What would be the benefit(s) of her telling me this?


To keep you in control. Words versus actions.
Drop the hopium pipe or linger.
You only see what you want to see.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> She's trying to keep you on the hook -- just enough to keep YOU interested in her.
> Can't you just block her on your phone? Do you need to get texts from her?
> Don't bother responding.


Why would she want to keep me on the hook? You think she really don't want me anymore?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Block her #s..... I promise she will want to get in touch with you after a day or so


Why would she want to get in touch? You don't think she's wanting to fix this?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> To keep you in control. Words versus actions.
> Drop the hopium pipe or linger.
> You only see what you want to see.


What do you think she's thinking? What do you think she really wants?


----------



## Chuck71

$1,000 says she doesn't even know what she wants


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> $1,000 says she doesn't even know what she wants


Could she feel she's made a mistake and not know how to admit it?


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> Why would she want to get in touch? You don't think she's wanting to fix this?


What is her actions telling you?

Watch what she DOES, not what she says


----------



## MrBigBoy

I haven't responded to her text yet, I really don't know what to say.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I haven't responded to her text yet, I really don't know what to say.


Learn to ignore. Her actions tell you want you need to know. Stop being naive.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Could she feel she's made a mistake and not know how to admit it?


More hopium. That’s what you want to see.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> Could she feel she's made a mistake and not know how to admit it?


She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Chuck71 said:


> She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you


Ultimately selfishness, apparently her true character.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Ultimately selfishness, apparently her true character.


Do you agree with Chuck71?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Do you agree with Chuck71?


Yes I agree. And she has demonstrated no real interest in actually being with you. A simple text message is not real interest.


----------



## Evinrude58

If she wanted you, she’d have you.
No, she’s done and she’s not v CB owning back—— unless there’s something she needs. Badly. Not for you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Ok.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Ok.


I'm really sorry MrBB. I know this has to suck and you wish nothing more than to be able to go back in time to where everything seemed fine. Unfortunately that can't happen. Your wife is done with this marriage and for what ever reason she continues to string you along with those little scraps of attention in a text message. It took her all of 10 seconds to send a text that has your mind spinning for days. If she really wanted to save the marriage she would be putting in a lot more effort. The best thing you can do, for you, is to block her and really go no contact.


----------



## Marc878

Bud, you started this thread 11 months ago and you are still asking the same questions and getting the same answers. Until you drop your hopium pipe and start dealing with reality you’ll stay where you are.
If that’s how you want to live your life go ahead.
It’s apparent you can’t or won’t deal with the truth.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Why would she want to keep me on the hook? You think she really don't want me anymore?


Because she WANTS to be off on her own, but wants you as a fallback in case things don't work out...


----------



## Chuck71

OP...what I see is attempts to get on with your life but the slightest response from her sets you back.

I am five weeks removed from the 10 year ann. of my DDay. Yes there for a few weeks she was treating

me like your STBXW is treating you. I started the hardest 180 you could while still living together.

During the holidays I just got tired of being around her.... she wanted to chat like we were still M

but not about our issues. It took two weeks away from her completely for me to realize....this M

ain't being saved. At that point could we have dated after the D? Yes I was still keen to that, after the D.

The reaches she began to make, hidden agendas.... solidified I was 110% done. The electric bill incident

nailed that decision home. I have never looked back, not one time. She would still be making idiot

reaches for me to this day had I not blocked her. Don't get me wrong...I thought they were hilarious attempts

but when I started getting serious with my now W, out of respect to her, I blocked my XW.

She doesn't want to live with you but she doesn't want to lose you. Would you want to live this way?

Your focus is on her and not yourself...and that is VERY unhealthy. Things won't change until you 

change them. Her plan is to be exactly where you are now, next October. Your plan should be

foiling her plan. There was a thread on here many years ago, go to search and type in ReGroup

Lots of similarities in him and you....in the beginning. Notice how he changed the dynamics.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> OP...what I see is attempts to get on with your life but the slightest response from her sets you back.
> 
> I am five weeks removed from the 10 year ann. of my DDay. Yes there for a few weeks she was treating
> 
> me like your STBXW is treating you. I started the hardest 180 you could while still living together.
> 
> During the holidays I just got tired of being around her.... she wanted to chat like we were still M
> 
> but not about our issues. It took two weeks away from her completely for me to realize....this M
> 
> ain't being saved. At that point could we have dated after the D? Yes I was still keen to that, after the D.
> 
> The reaches she began to make, hidden agendas.... solidified I was 110% done. The electric bill incident
> 
> nailed that decision home. I have never looked back, not one time. She would still be making idiot
> 
> reaches for me to this day had I not blocked her. Don't get me wrong...I thought they were hilarious attempts
> 
> but when I started getting serious with my now W, out of respect to her, I blocked my XW.
> 
> She doesn't want to live with you but she doesn't want to lose you. Would you want to live this way?
> 
> Your focus is on her and not yourself...and that is VERY unhealthy. Things won't change until you
> 
> change them. Her plan is to be exactly where you are now, next October. Your plan should be
> 
> foiling her plan. There was a thread on here many years ago, go to search and type in ReGroup
> 
> Lots of similarities in him and you....in the beginning. Notice how he changed the dynamics.


I woke up around 2 am this morning and everything you all said really made sense to me. If you want something you make steps towards it, not away from it. I understand how my heart and love for her is blocking this logic. And your stories and experiences really helps me, thanks. Right now I'm thinking that she knows how I feel and that I'm hurting. And really, who would do that knowingly?


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm really sorry MrBB. I know this has to suck and you wish nothing more than to be able to go back in time to where everything seemed fine. Unfortunately that can't happen. Your wife is done with this marriage and for what ever reason she continues to string you along with those little scraps of attention in a text message. It took her all of 10 seconds to send a text that has your mind spinning for days. If she really wanted to save the marriage she would be putting in a lot more effort. The best thing you can do, for you, is to block her and really go no contact.


This hurts to believe, but I think you are right.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I have not replied to her text yet and have decided not to at all.


----------



## Chuck71

She has clearly showed you her hand

Serve her D papers.

I 110% guarantee you will get a response

But.....after you serve her, turn your phone off for about three days.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> I woke up around 2 am this morning and everything you all said really made sense to me. If you want something you make steps towards it, not away from it. I understand how my heart and love for her is blocking this logic. And your stories and experiences really helps me, thanks. Right now I'm thinking that she knows how I feel and that I'm hurting. And really, who would do that knowingly?


----------



## farsidejunky

MrBigBoy said:


> What do you think she's thinking? What do you think she really wants?


Dude, stop making the mistake of thinking she thinks/ approaches things the same way as you. That were the case, she would have come running back to you.

What does she want? She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And you are allowing it.

The entire premise of your problem lies in the fact that you believe she is worthy of your love and affection, when really she is just a disordered, broken person who is causing you to waste time...the one thing you cannot replace.

Why do you dislike yourself so much that you believe this is what you deserve? That is a far more pertinent question than what may be on her mind.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## Chuck71

farsidejunky said:


> Dude, stop making the mistake of thinking she thinks/ approaches things the same way as you. That were the case, she would have come running back to you.
> 
> What does she want? She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And you are allowing it.
> 
> The entire premise of your problem lies in the fact that you believe she is worthy of your love and affection, when really she is just a disordered, broken person who is causing you to waste time...the one thing you cannot replace.
> 
> Why do you dislike yourself so much that you believe this is what you deserve? That is a far more pertinent question than what may be on her mind.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Q4T


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

MrBigBoy said:


> I have not replied to her text yet and have decided not to at all.


Detach.....detach.....detach.....180!


----------



## Marc878

Stop feeding her


----------



## Jimi007

MrBigBoy said:


> I woke up around 2 am this morning and everything you all said really made sense to me. If you want something you make steps towards it, not away from it. I understand how my heart and love for her is blocking this logic. And your stories and experiences really helps me, thanks. Right now I'm thinking that she knows how I feel and that I'm hurting. And really, who would do that knowingly?


Exactly....


----------



## Frankie J

MrBigBoy said:


> My wife(after 32 years-since HSchool) told me about 3 months ago that she was leaving(separation possible divorce) around the end of November of this year 2021. A few days ago she bought a storage unit and she's there now putting a few things into it. Even with the warning I feel like a deer in headlights. I know I know. I took her out to eat 1-2 days a week for the last few months hoping it would help make things better for us. I had hope. I mean things are bad sometimes but what marriage is 100% flawless? My son is out living with his friends, he just couldn't respect my rules(no marijuana, help around the house, etc.). I have no family or friends in this state. My closest relative over powers me with constant preaching(phone). My closest friend drinks daily and is always medicated with Vino(wine), this is how he deals with his passing wife(phone). I really don't know what's going to happen to me. My job(I'm the owner) is strenuous. And my wife used to relief some of that pressure with the paperwork. No son, no, with, no friends or family. I've never been alone. I have a slight cast of social anxiety.


Your Wife is leaving you she’s doing you a favor just hold onto your pocketbook . Especially if you live in Jersey . Your in for a ride . And many of years of Financial pain . The best thing to do would be paid her to stay . Let cheat when she want to . Eventually she will get old , And the other guy won’t want her either . Then you will have the perfect marriage .


----------



## SunCMars

Even if you *do not* ascribe to her, malice, what you see is just a crumbs-worth of magnanimity.

Any real love, she has for you is a fallacy.
Her kind words are but those scraps, and not sustaining.

Any thoughts she has of you are.....after thoughts.
I do not see her as evil, I see her as one who is disaffected, taken and lost.

She wants you to look upon her favorably, for her sake, less yours.

If she cannot hook her dream on a star, she will return, years down the road, as if nothing happened.
If she keeps your mind in her home plate game, your bat and balls, will still belong to her.

She has been taken, against her will, yes, and unknowingly.

Discontent is often given up to you, from without, now within.

The world-at-large is that master dis-player of discontent.
All commerce is hell-bent on delivering this up, into you.

You wife has given in to this discontent.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I woke up around 2 am this morning and everything you all said really made sense to me. If you want something you make steps towards it, not away from it. I understand how my heart and love for her is blocking this logic. And your stories and experiences really helps me, thanks. Right now I'm thinking that she knows how I feel and that I'm hurting. And really, who would do that knowingly?


You’ll starve to death on breadcrumbs,


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

You mention one word that rings a bell with me. That is logic. First cheaters are illogical not logical. Emotions are not logical for you. By reading, absorbing, and implementing the 180 you will see logic take over from the emotional side of you.

You need to realize that she has fired you as a husband. Out of your control, nothing you can do about it. If you whine, cry, and beg, you will only show weakness. Weakness is a killer in this situation as it only shows her that POSOM is superior to you. You need to adopt a mindset of IDNGAF. Fake it till you make it. 

You appear to be running on wishful thinking or “hopium” as some betrayed husbands do on here. You need to rip off the band aid. Realistically assess where you are in your relationship that it is “kaput” and extract yourself from infidelity.

The best thing you can do is simply let her go. GIve her what she wants and say goodbye and good riddance. You deserve better than what she has to offer for sure. She appears to be a real narcissistic cake eater.

Lawyer up and put on your big boy pants and go to war on her sorry arse.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Thanks. I wanted to post an *Update*: She texted last night(I didn't see it until this morning, my phone was turned off):
*#1*.Last night: [ _GN, I love you_. ] 
*#2*.Then she text this morning again: [ _Good Morning and you have a blessed day._ ] 
*#3*. And then again today: [ _ I have a doctor's appointment next month. Would you still like to have Bam? Just let me know whenever you get a chance_. ] Bam is her bulldog, she mentioned a few months back that she may give him to me because she knew I wanted a bulldog. I think she got the dog with me in mind, just not sure how. She's in another state now but still comes here to see her doctor.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I have not replied at all.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Thanks. I wanted to post an *Update*: She texted last night(I didn't see it until this morning, my phone was turned off):
> *#1*.Last night: [ _GN, I love you_. ]
> *#2*.Then she text this morning again: [ _Good Morning and you have a blessed day._ ]
> *#3*. And then again today: [ _ I have a doctor's appointment next month. Would you still like to have Bam? Just let me know whenever you get a chance_. ] Bam is her bulldog, she mentioned a few months back that she may give him to me because she knew I wanted a bulldog. I think she got the dog with me in mind, just not sure how. She's in another state now but still comes here to see her doctor.


She’s the breadcrumb queen. Ignore or keep yourself bound. Its just meaningless BS.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> She’s the breadcrumb queen. Ignore or keep yourself bound. Its just meaningless BS.


Breadcrumbs=telling me little things to keep me hooked?


----------



## Evinrude58

It’s working good, why not?
Yes


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Breadcrumbs=telling me little things to keep me hooked?


Yep, you should know this by now. She likes cake. Stop feeding her.
She probably like a lot doesn’t want you (her actions tell you that) but she wants to matter and doesn’t want you moving on. So far her tactics have worked for almost a year.
I’m sure she’ll ramp it up if you cut contact. She’s played you and so far you’ve kept swallowing the bait.


----------



## Marc878

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s working good, why not?
> Yes


Like a puppet on a string or a cat playing with a mouse.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s working good, why not?
> Yes


Im not going to stay here in this rut.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Yep, you should know this by now. She likes cake. Stop feeding her.
> She probably like a lot doesn’t want you (her actions tell you that) but she wants to matter and doesn’t want you moving on. So far her tactics have worked for almost a year.
> I’m sure she’ll ramp it up if you cut contact. She’s played you and so far you’ve kept swallowing the bait.


I agree somewhat, but every time I get wiser.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Like a puppet on a string or a cat playing with a mouse.


I see what you're saying, but I think she's in survivor mode and may not even realize what she's doing. I'm not justifying what she's doing just a thought.


----------



## MrBigBoy

So I take it that no one here thinks I should take the dog? I have no replied to her at all. Should I never reply again, ever?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I agree somewhat, but every time I get wiser.





MrBigBoy said:


> I see what you're saying, but I think she's in survivor mode and may not even realize what she's doing. I'm not justifying what she's doing just a thought.


She knows exactly what she’s doing or she wouldn’t be doing it. For some reason you can’t get past it.
Your biggest problem is yourself. No one can help you with that.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> So I take it that no one here thinks I should take the dog? I have no replied to her at all. Should I never reply again, ever?


Same questions you’ve been asking for almost a year. Why?


----------



## MrBigBoy

I kind of want the dog. Should I take the dog?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Should I take the dog?


I wouldn’t. You’ll either move on or you won’t. Right now you are keeping yourself in this because you want to. 
Moving on or not is up to you. This will be another reason for *YOU* to keep yourself bound.
You should know this after almost a year.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I am moving on and working on myself. Keep in mind, 32 years.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I am moving on and working on myself. Keep in mind, 32 years.


Only actions count.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I kind of want the dog. Should I take the dog?


My take on this -- if you take THIS particular dog, she will try to use him to "keep in contact" since it's HER dog and she was nice enough to give him to you...
If you want a bulldog, go to petfinders website and find one you can adopt.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I am moving on and working on myself. Keep in mind, 32 years.


Correct -- it WILL take you a lot of time. There is a lot of relationship inertia and just day-to-day that you are used to from those 32 years. Just keep moving on, take care of yourself, get new interests/hobbies/etc.. YOU WILL be sad, you WILL be super upset. That's ok -- you need to grieve the loss of your marriage as you would a person -- and it will take time for you to get over that, but you will.....


----------



## SunCMars

If we, on TAM take leave and vanish, will you that wife, in truth, banish?

Is it us that keep you here, entertained and married, or is it her that keeps you there, detained and harried?

Which is it?
What is the holdup, hmm?


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> My take on this -- if you take THIS particular dog, she will try to use him to "keep in contact" since it's HER dog and she was nice enough to give him to you...
> If you want a bulldog, go to petfinders website and find one you can adopt.


Bulldogs start at about $3k, you wont find them in shelters.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> Correct -- it WILL take you a lot of time. There is a lot of relationship inertia and just day-to-day that you are used to from those 32 years. Just keep moving on, take care of yourself, get new interests/hobbies/etc.. YOU WILL be sad, you WILL be super upset. That's ok -- you need to grieve the loss of your marriage as you would a person -- and it will take time for you to get over that, but you will.....


I agree. And I do have a lot of hobbies that I am getting back into; photography, videography, piano, kayaking, guitar, etc. And I'm starting a couple of new businesses.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Update:*
Late last night she texted:[ _GN, I love you_ ]
She called this morning around 8am. My phone was off.
She then texted this morning:[ 
_Good Morning... I was calling not to talk, but just to check to see if the phone was still working. 

I'm good. I was chet on you. Just respond whenever you're ready. Y'all try to take advantage of the day off. Be blessed, love you. _ ]


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> Bulldogs start at about $3k, you wont find them in shelters.


Go to petfinder.com -- and they have a filter for the breed. I put in English Bulldog and got 37 results near me.
You CAN find them -- do they have to be purebred or would a mix be acceptable to you? 
There are TONS of dogs looking for a home -- you just need to look.
And that search for me took about 3 seconds to do...


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> Go to petfinder.com -- and they have a filter for the breed. I put in English Bulldog and got 37 results near me.
> You CAN find them -- do they have to be purebred or would a mix be acceptable to you?
> There are TONS of dogs looking for a home -- you just need to look.
> And that search for me took about 3 seconds to do...


I never said I couldn't find a bulldog. I said that they are very expensive.


----------



## TexasMom1216

MrBigBoy said:


> I never said I couldn't find a bulldog. I said that they are very expensive.


They are expensive and their vet bills are expensive too. They have a lot of breathing problems and can have joint issues if they get too chonky.

BUT they have the sweetest smooshy faces and are so gorgeous and sweet and hilarious.


----------



## ArthurGPym

I had an English bulldog. They are an anatomical disaster and they get really severe early onset arthritis. Mine only made it to age 10 before I had to put him down. And they fart... Oh my God they fart so bad.


----------



## MrBigBoy

ArthurGPym said:


> I had an English bulldog. They are an anatomical disaster and they get really severe early onset arthritis. Mine only made it to age 10 before I had to put him down. And they fart... Oh my God they fart so bad.


ok


----------



## *Deidre*

Glad to see you’re moving on, OP.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Deidre* said:


> Glad to see you’re moving on, OP.


Thanks


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> I never said I couldn't find a bulldog. I said that they are very expensive.


Petfinder is usually from shelters NOT breeders, so you should give it a try....


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> *Update:*
> Late last night she texted:[ _GN, I love you_ ]
> She called this morning around 8am. My phone was off.
> She then texted this morning:[
> _Good Morning... I was calling not to talk, but just to check to see if the phone was still working.
> 
> I'm good. I was chet on you. Just respond whenever you're ready. Y'all try to take advantage of the day off. Be blessed, love you. _ ]


Like I said it’s just words. No actions. Ignore breadcrumbs. Total BS.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> Petfinder is usually from shelters NOT breeders, so you should give it a try....


What?!?!? lol bulldogs are expensive dogs, not the type to go to shelters to find. Please thank you.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I never said I couldn't find a bulldog. I said that they are very expensive.


Get a Boston Terrier if you need a dog.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Like I said it’s just words. No actions. Ignore breadcrumbs. Total BS.


Yeah.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I agree. And I do have a lot of hobbies that I am getting back into; photography, videography, piano, kayaking, guitar, etc. And I'm starting a couple of new businesses.


That’s the key. You can’t think of two things at one time.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Get a Boston Terrier if you need a dog.


Too hyper. Bulldog or nothing.


----------



## jlg07

MrBigBoy said:


> What?!?!? lol bulldogs are expensive dogs, not the type to go to shelters to find. Please thank you.


And yet I DID find them with a quick search at that site. YES they were at shelters...
PM me and I can help you with it.


----------



## Marc878

Boston Terriers are great


----------



## MrBigBoy

Can we not talk about dogs please?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> *Update:*
> Late last night she texted:[ _GN, I love you_ ]
> She called this morning around 8am. My phone was off.
> She then texted this morning:[
> _Good Morning... I was calling not to talk, but just to check to see if the phone was still working.
> 
> I'm good. I was chet on you. Just respond whenever you're ready. Y'all try to take advantage of the day off. Be blessed, love you. _ ]


Once she figures out you aren’t responding she’ll ramp up texts, etc. That will only be because she feels she’s losing control over you. She doesn’t want to be with you obviously but does want to maintain control.
Beware!!!! You tend to keep yourself stuck.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Can we not talk about dogs please?


It’s your thread. NP


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> It’s your thread. NP


Thank you Marc


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Once she figures out you aren’t responding she’ll ramp up texts, etc. That will only be because she feels she’s losing control over you. She doesn’t want to be with you obviously but does want to maintain control.
> Beware!!!! You tend to keep yourself stuck.


This hurts but I truly believe you.


----------



## MrBigBoy

jlg07 said:


> And yet I DID find them with a quick search at that site. YES they were at shelters...
> PM me and I can help you with it.


Sorry for being rude, but I will look into the petfinder. Thanks.


----------



## Marc878

Right now you want her to keep contacting you thinking that she really cares. It’s all about actions not words.
No contact only works if you apply it. Any contact just resets the clock and puts you back where you started.
It all comes down to where you want to go. You’ve been in limbo for almost a year.
Limbo is a self imposed state. Once you’ve pulled yourself out only then will you be able to deal with reality.
Your choice. Stay stuck or move on.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Sorry for being rude, but I will look into the petfinder. Thanks.


Keeping a thread open (the dog) to your walk away wife gets you what? More limbo


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Right now you want her to keep contacting you thinking that she really cares. It’s all about actions not words.
> No contact only works if you apply it. Any contact just resets the clock and puts you back where you started.
> It all comes down to where you want to go. You’ve been in limbo for almost a year.
> Limbo is a self imposed state. Once you’ve pulled yourself out only then will you be able to deal with reality.
> Your choice. Stay stuck or move on.


After 32 years it just seems weird to accept the fact that she does not care about me.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> After 32 years it just seems weird to accept the fact that she does not care about me.


She doesn’t care enough to be with you. That’s a fact.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> She doesn’t care enough to be with you. That’s a fact.


Yeah. That I have accepted.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> Keeping a thread open (the dog) to your walk away wife gets you what? More limbo


You think I should stop this thread?


----------



## Marc878

Once a long time ago there was a guy it may have been on another forum. His wife left and was actually living with her boyfriend but she kept him on the back burner for 5 years. Until finally he connected with someone else. When his wife found out she pulled out all stops to end his relationship. Even promised to end her relationship with her boyfriend. He was so excited that his wife who’d been gone for five years had seen the light!!! However, her ultimatum was he drop his newfound girlfriend before she would commit. 
His own father told him he was nuts. 
You have a choice. 
Limbo is self imposed but if that’s what you want it’s your life.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> You think I should stop this thread?


I was speaking about a way to keep in contact with your wife via the dog.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah. That I have accepted.


At this time that remains to be seen. Only your actions count. I think you still are looking fit that ray of hope. I get it. However, I don’t think that’s helpful to you unless you can pull off staying no contact.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> I was speaking about a way to keep in contact with your wife via the dog.


Oh right,...


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> At this time that remains to be seen. Only your actions count. I think you still are looking fit that ray of hope.


There's a little ray there, that I will admit.


----------



## Marc878

Your happiness should not be dependent on anyone. It’s been almost a year. How much of that time have you spent on developing you own life/self? Everyone here is trying to get you to have great independent life for yourself. Only then will you be in a position to function.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> There's a little ray there, that I will admit.


She left. Until you let her go you are keeping yourself bound/entangled. Let her go like she’s let you go.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> She left. Until you let her go you are keeping yourself bound/entangled. Let her go like she’s let you go.


I understand. And I don't want her dog, or anything from her.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I understand. And I don't want her dog, or anything from her.


That’s a start. I think once you realize this is all up to you. Only then will you progress.
I would like to see you move forward and have a great life. I’m not on here trying to help you out for nothing. 
That life is there if you want it. It’s time. Don’t you think?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> That’s a start. I think once you realize this is all up to you. Only then will you progress.
> I would like to see you move forward and have a great life. I’m not on here trying to help you out for nothing.
> That life is there if you want it. It’s time. Don’t you think?


Yeah.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I have not responded but she just texted again this morning:
10:54am [ _Are y'all Ok?_ ]
I'm just a little concerned with her trying to pop up here, using that as an excuse to come by.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> I have not responded but she just texted again this morning:
> 10:54am [ _Are y'all Ok?_ ]
> I'm just a little concerned with her trying to pop up here, using that as an excuse to come by.


You control yourself and your phone. If it were me I’d change the locks and garage codes. 
She’s been gone almost a year so…


----------



## Marc878

You don’t need her. She maybe a want but you don’t need anyone.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Marc878 said:


> You control yourself and your phone. If it were me I’d change the locks and garage codes.
> She’s been gone almost a year so…


She don't have access to anything here. I'm just saying what if she stops by to "check" to see how I'm(we're) doing? She hasn't heard from me since I told you. I don't think my son text her either. I'm just concerned about getting a knock at the door and it's her. What do I do?


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> She don't have access to anything here. I'm just saying what if she stops by to "check" to see how I'm(we're) doing? She hasn't heard from me since I told you. I don't think my son text her either. I'm just concerned about getting a knock at the door and it's her. What do I do?


How far away is she?


----------



## MrBigBoy

1 hr drive.


----------



## Marc878

MrBigBoy said:


> She don't have access to anything here. I'm just saying what if she stops by to "check" to see how I'm(we're) doing? She hasn't heard from me since I told you. I don't think my son text her either. I'm just concerned about getting a knock at the door and it's her. What do I do?


Crickets is always best. It’s you’re home your rules. If she ever showed up I wouldn’t let her in.
I would tell her I’ve moved on and have let you go. You need to do the same.
It’s your show. At some point you need to own your life. That means developing the ability to make decisions on you’re own without asking what to do. You know whats needed here.
With that said you could send her a one time text.
“I’ve moved on an let you go. You need to do the same.” No need to do anymore than that.
Your life, your choice. Her actions shows she’s gone. Let her go.
Cut the cords or stay bound.


----------



## Marc878

Good luck.
It’s your life your rules. Nobody gets a say in that.


----------



## Jimi007

I can't believe you have let this drag out so long...Everyone knows your hurt. You know your hurt... It's like a scab you keep picking at , it never heals and just keeps on bleeding. 

Your wife has moved on WITHOUT you . 

She most likely is already seeing someone else. She lives an hour away , so you will never know. 

@Marc878 preaches about the Hopium Pipe. 
And he's right , your addicted to it .

What can you really expect to happen at this point ? She's obviously not coming back...It's been a year.

File the paper work and call it a day. 

Then you can heal the scab, without continuing to rip it open

Best wishes , Jimi


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm just concerned about getting a knock at the door and it's her. What do I do?


Tell her to go away and get the hint.

This isn't that hard, my guy.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

If she knocks just open a window and say "we're ok, please don't knock again" or reply to her text saying "please don't contact me again I'm moving on with my life" or text a simple "all ok" then completely block her or change your phone number. Ignore any future correspondence from her. You will heal a lot quicker. Sorry you are going through this. Also if you want to get a bulldog you should get one. I've adopted a few French bulldogs. Absolutely amazing breed. Depending where you are and type of bulldog you want I may be able to help direct you to the right place if in the UK. Don't accept dog from ex she will use that to stay in touch etc.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## ArthurGPym

I wish you could step back and really see what a despicable, irresponsible person she is. Maybe she isn't seeing someone else, but what kind of mom walks out on her kid?


----------



## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> Too hyper. Bulldog or nothing.


People buy dogs that match their personality, and even their looks.

Do you fart a lot?


----------



## MrBigBoy

SunCMars said:


> People buy dogs that match their personality, and even their looks.
> 
> Do you fart a lot?


?


----------



## MrBigBoy

For the last few mornings everyday she has texted _good morning_, _have a blessed day_, _I love you_, etc. Please bear with me,...
*#1*. but if this is fixable, how would be the best way to fix this? I would love opinions and past experiences that have worked for you. 
*#2*. Does this situation sound fixable to you?


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> For the last few mornings everyday she has texted _good morning_, _have a blessed day_, _I love you_, etc. Please bear with me,...
> *#1*. but if this is fixable, how would be the best way to fix this? I would love opinions and past experiences that have worked for you.
> *#2*. Does this situation sound fixable to you?


Negative... if it were fixable she would've never left, nor played games. I know it's hard to hear, it's harder to hold on when you know in your heart what the truth is. Just my .02


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> For the last few mornings everyday she has texted _good morning_, _have a blessed day_, _I love you_, etc. Please bear with me,...
> *#1*. but if this is fixable, how would be the best way to fix this? I would love opinions and past experiences that have worked for you.
> *#2*. Does this situation sound fixable to you?


ever watch a cat chase a pom-pom on a string? You're wife's holding the stick, you're chasing the pom-pom.


----------



## jlg07

She lives you so much that she left you..... think on that.


----------



## Chuck71

This is you.....










this is her


----------



## MrBigBoy

I'm sorry if you all think I'm not trying, I am. I kind of decided to move slowly to be sure, in case she realizes she's made a mistake. 
Can you all give me some *insight on this*: Every single night and every morning she texts Good night, I love you, good morning, have a blessed day I love you, etc. Every night(around 9pm) and every morning(around 6:30am). Why would she do this?


----------



## BeyondRepair007

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm sorry if you all think I'm not trying, I am. I kind of decided to move slowly to be sure, in case she realizes she's made a mistake.
> Can you all give me some *insight on this*: Every single night and every morning she texts Good night, I love you, good morning, have a blessed day I love you, etc. Every night(around 9pm) and every morning(around 6:30am). Why would she do this?


2 reasons come to mind.

1 she makes herself feel better about leaving you. In her mind, “I still love him and I tell him all the time. Never mind all the other stuff I do to stab him in the back and hurt him, the main thing is I still love him and wish him a good day all the time”

2 she doesn’t want you doing anything to change the current situation. She’s happy how things are. She gets to play single while you do nothing except wait for her. When she needs a break from the nightlife or her current bf(s) dump her then she will come back to you for a minute. You’re her safety net so she doesn’t want you to do anything to disrupt it. And it’s working.


----------



## Lostinthought61

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm sorry if you all think I'm not trying, I am. I kind of decided to move slowly to be sure, in case she realizes she's made a mistake.
> Can you all give me some *insight on this*: Every single night and every morning she texts Good night, I love you, good morning, have a blessed day I love you, etc. Every night(around 9pm) and every morning(around 6:30am). Why would she do this?


what i conclude is that she setting up plan B just in case...i don't to be mean here but her words are not true, they are mere words that you use to keep someone from moving on so that she can get the most out of her life without you and then come back and you will just act like her lapdog and be happy....when some shows you who they really are believe them..she is a false wife. and you need to start getting that through your head. Honestly what would you have gain if she suddenly came back on her rules, she already demostrated she is a liar and cheater, that she is willing to leave you again is that what you want to put your faith in soemone who can not be faithful.


----------



## Sfort

She's playing you for a fool, and you're falling for it. Please wake up. There is not much more that can be said that you haven't heard many times in this thread. Again, what kind of parent abandons her child? This situation would not be fixable by MY choice, if I were you.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm sorry if you all think I'm not trying, I am. I kind of decided to move slowly to be sure, in case she realizes she's made a mistake.
> Can you all give me some *insight on this*: Every single night and every morning she texts Good night, I love you, good morning, have a blessed day I love you, etc. Every night(around 9pm) and every morning(around 6:30am). Why would she do this?


Because you are being played, and she's apparently successful as she expends a minimal ie minute tiny bit of effort to do so.

Don't continue to be a sucker.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm sorry if you all think I'm not trying, I am. I kind of decided to move slowly to be sure, in case she realizes she's made a mistake.
> Can you all give me some *insight on this*: Every single night and every morning she texts Good night, I love you, good morning, have a blessed day I love you, etc. Every night(around 9pm) and every morning(around 6:30am). Why would she do this?


If you were trying, you'd have already told her to stop texting you and formalized the separation and D proceedings. You haven't so you're not trying. See the difference?


----------



## SunCMars

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> If she knocks just open a window and say "we're ok, please don't knock again" or reply to her text saying "please don't contact me again I'm moving on with my life" or text a simple "all ok" then completely block her or change your phone number. Ignore any future correspondence from her. You will heal a lot quicker. Sorry you are going through this. Also if you want to get a bulldog you should get one. I've adopted a few French bulldogs. Absolutely amazing breed. Depending where you are and type of bulldog you want I may be able to help direct you to the right place if in the UK. Don't accept dog from ex she will use that to stay in touch etc.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Pretty dogs, those!

Those pure bred, French Bulldogs cost 4 to 5 thousand dollars in the states!


----------



## SadM83

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm sorry if you all think I'm not trying, I am. I kind of decided to move slowly to be sure, in case she realizes she's made a mistake.
> Can you all give me some *insight on this*: Every single night and every morning she texts Good night, I love you, good morning, have a blessed day I love you, etc. Every night(around 9pm) and every morning(around 6:30am). Why would she do this?


We are not mind readers. We can only assume. But assuming is ridiculous. Why it's important what do we think about her actions? You don't care too much and obviously you don't want to do what other people say (what is okay, that's your right) so why do you care? You should care only about what do you want to do for yourself. I am sure you are trying. But maybe your ways are not good or functional enough. You care more about what she wants and what she thinks. Why is she so powerful and you are so powerless? She is not the RIGHT person for you anymore. Or she never was. The RIGHT person is right person ONLY if two people choose each other. She chose to leave you. People are naturally selfish. She is satisfying some need but that has nothing to do with with you actually. Everything is about her. And even if she thinks she made mistake... What does that even mean?!? That you both can just be who you were before feeling hurt, resentful, sad, angry, etc?! No. You can't. She is not the same person anymore and for sure you are not the same person. You both have new baggage full of bad emotions that you have to deal with. You don't love HER. you love who you were and who she was long time ago. That doesn't exist anymore.


----------



## Openminded

Only she knows why but it appears that, for whatever reason, she’s not ready to let go. I think she’s keeping you in reserve in case nothing else pans out.


----------



## jlg07

SunCMars said:


> Pretty dogs, those!
> 
> Those pure bred, French Bulldogs cost 4 to 5 thousand dollars in the states!


And you can still find them on petfinder.com instead of going to a breeder... These are all dogs that need homes...


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> For the last few mornings everyday she has texted _good morning_, _have a blessed day_, _I love you_, etc. Please bear with me,...
> *#1*. but if this is fixable, how would be the best way to fix this? I would love opinions and past experiences that have worked for you.
> *#2*. Does this situation sound fixable to you?


I don't honestly think it is fixable, but if you want to go for it, that is your choice. Next time she says I love you, say, "then come back to me and never leave again, let's fix this." Sitting here waffling back and forth isn't getting you anywhere. Either tell her you want her to come back and fix this, or block her number and go full 100% no contact. Right now you are keeping yourself in purgatory.


----------



## Evinrude58

Get a good job, start enjoying your life, forget her.......... yeah she’ll be back. You want her Then? Your wife is not a hot item on the market.

oh, btw, I love you. I hope you have a great Day. That took me about 3 seconds. Do you feel loved and believe I’m really invested in whether you’re happy or not? Well, neither is your wife.

You’re not trying hard enough to file for divorce, get a good job, and break free from her. Stop worrying about whether she’s really coming back. She’s not unless her bf dumps her and you shouldn’t want her to. Move on.


----------



## Chuck71

Separate who she was THEN and who she is NOW

You're searching for something that isn't there anymore.

It's like trying to close your eyes hard enough and when you open them, it's 1992 again.

I wouldn't mind that myself but it's not going to happen


----------



## Rob_1

59 pages and its the same. dog chasing his tail, over and over. This has been for a while like when a child starts to ask question: 
Child: mommy, why does the the dog chases its tail?
mommy: because he does.
child: mommy, why he does?
mummy: because he's looking for his rear end
child: mommy, why is him looking for his rear end?
mummy; because he wants to.
Child: mommy, why he wants to.
mommy: ENOUGH.


----------



## MrBigBoy

SadM83 said:


> We are not mind readers. We can only assume. But assuming is ridiculous. Why it's important what do we think about her actions? You don't care too much and obviously you don't want to do what other people say (what is okay, that's your right) so why do you care? You should care only about what do you want to do for yourself. I am sure you are trying. But maybe your ways are not good or functional enough. You care more about what she wants and what she thinks. Why is she so powerful and you are so powerless? She is not the RIGHT person for you anymore. Or she never was. The RIGHT person is right person ONLY if two people choose each other. She chose to leave you. People are naturally selfish. She is satisfying some need but that has nothing to do with with you actually. Everything is about her. And even if she thinks she made mistake... What does that even mean?!? That you both can just be who you were before feeling hurt, resentful, sad, angry, etc?! No. You can't. She is not the same person anymore and for sure you are not the same person. You both have new baggage full of bad emotions that you have to deal with. You don't love HER. you love who you were and who she was long time ago. That doesn't exist anymore.


Thanks.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Today, I blocked her from my phones.


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> Today, I blocked her from my phones.


🥳🥳🥳🥳


----------



## MrBigBoy

I was out with my son today and saw a very beautiful woman while talking with my son, so I said to her, "Write down my number." She looked at me and said, "I don't have a pen, you write down mine."


----------



## Buzzkill

MrBigBoy said:


> I was out with my son today and saw a very beautiful woman while talking with my son, so I said to her, "Write down my number." She looked at me and said, "I don't have a pen, you write down mine."


And then she said 867 5309


----------



## Chuck71

was her name jenny?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Buzzkill said:


> And then she said 867 5309


No, it wasn't like that. We talked.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> was her name jenny?


No, wasn't like that. She ended up taking my number and did call.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wow.


----------



## MrBigBoy

My confidence is very low, but I'm trying to get out of this thing that I'm in. I see how my son lights up when he sees the responses that I get from the women that I talk to. But I still feel dead and depressed inside. I think it's getting better, but for now it's just in little spurts. I guess the spurts will get bigger in time and heal itself. I'm trying to learn to love myself first. I agree with my brother, that I need a friend(or friends) more than I need another woman right now.


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> My confidence is very low, but I'm trying to get out of this thing that I'm in. I see how my son lights up when he sees the responses that I get from the women that I talk to. But I still feel dead and depressed inside. I think it's getting better, but for now it's just in little spurts. I guess the spurts will get bigger in time and heal itself. I'm trying to learn to love myself first. I agree with my brother, that I need a friend(or friends) more than I need another woman right now.


Your brother is right... and so are you, learn to love yourself first.. the rest will follow. Keep posting on here... We're on this ride together... in some capacity, we have all been there, done that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Works said:


> Your brother is right... and so are you, learn to love yourself first.. the rest will follow. Keep posting on here... We're on this ride together... in some capacity, we have all been there, done that.


Thank you. Thank you.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> My confidence is very low, but I'm trying to get out of this thing that I'm in. I see how my son lights up when he sees the responses that I get from the women that I talk to. But I still feel dead and depressed inside. I think it's getting better, but for now it's just in little spurts. I guess the spurts will get bigger in time and heal itself. I'm trying to learn to love myself first. I agree with my brother, that I need a friend(or friends) more than I need another woman right now.


What? 

just kidding..... very good post. You're getting there.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> What?
> 
> just kidding..... very good post. You're getting there.


Thanks Chuck.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I thought I blocked her from both phones. She texted this morning asking why the passwords were changed on the Hulu, Netflix, etc. accounts. I didn't respond. When I got home from work later today I received mail from my last doctor visit. I had a previous issue that he wanted to test, so he did. Today that letter verified that I have Chlamydia trachomatis. 
I called her about 30 mins ago, and told her that we need to do the divorce as soon as possible and that we will not be corresponding. I told her either we talk about the arrangements of what we have together or I will accept what the courts decided. I told her that on top of my proof that she cheated that I now have a test result. She's denying it, but I told her she has nothing to worry about if that's what she chooses to believe. She said she wanted to talk instead of going to court but wanted to wait until the end of the year, I said no, and I will give her until Nov 15th. She insisted on Dec 31st, but I said no. But I am wondering what she's up to. I'm contacting my lawyer tomorrow. I may start this before Nov 15th. 
She keeps saying stuff like if there's a chance to fix this, maybe down the line, etc. I told her that's okay, but if it happens it will only be after we are divorced. Almost like she wants to stall me.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> I thought I blocked her from both phones. She texted this morning asking why the passwords were changed on the Hulu, Netflix, etc. accounts. I didn't respond. When I got home from work later today I received mail from my last doctor visit. I had a previous issue that he wanted to test, so he did. Today that letter verified that I have Chlamydia trachomatis.
> I called her about 30 mins ago, and told her that we need to do the divorce as soon as possible and that we will not be corresponding. I told her either we talk about the arrangements of what we have together or I will accept what the courts decided. I told her that on top of my proof that she cheated that I now have a test result. She's denying it, but I told her she has nothing to worry about if that's what she chooses to believe. She said she wanted to talk instead of going to court but wanted to wait until the end of the year, I said no, and I will give her until Nov 15th. She insisted on Dec 31st, but I said no. But I am wondering what she's up to. I'm contacting my lawyer tomorrow. I may start this before Nov 15th.
> She keeps saying stuff like if there's a chance to fix this, maybe down the line, etc. I told her that's okay, but if it happens it will only be after we are divorced. Almost like she wants to stall me.


Holy ****, she gave you an STI? I would have stopped the no contact just to call her a cheating hoe and to thank her for the STI. What a *****.


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Holy *, she gave you an STI? I would have stopped the no contact just to call her a cheating hoe and to thank her for the STI. What a **.


Yeah, that's pretty much what I did. Deep down it felt good to know for sure, to really have answers.


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> She keeps saying stuff like if there's a chance to fix this, maybe down the line, etc. I told her that's okay, but if it happens it will only be after we are divorced. Almost like she wants to stall me.


Is there some sort of economic benefit she will get if she stalls? Are you getting some sort of money, becoming eligible for a retirement, some sort of deal coming to a close, anything?


----------



## jlg07

Wolfman1968 said:


> Is there some sort of economic benefit she will get if she stalls? Are you getting some sort of money, becoming eligible for a retirement, some sort of deal coming to a close, anything?


Could even be, depending on the state, when a certain TIME for the marriage where she would get life time alimony.


----------



## marko polo

MrBigBoy said:


> I thought I blocked her from both phones. She texted this morning asking why the passwords were changed on the Hulu, Netflix, etc. accounts. I didn't respond. When I got home from work later today I received mail from my last doctor visit. I had a previous issue that he wanted to test, so he did. Today that letter verified that I have Chlamydia trachomatis.
> I called her about 30 mins ago, and told her that we need to do the divorce as soon as possible and that we will not be corresponding. I told her either we talk about the arrangements of what we have together or I will accept what the courts decided. I told her that on top of my proof that she cheated that I now have a test result. She's denying it, but I told her she has nothing to worry about if that's what she chooses to believe. She said she wanted to talk instead of going to court but wanted to wait until the end of the year, I said no, and I will give her until Nov 15th. She insisted on Dec 31st, but I said no. But I am wondering what she's up to. I'm contacting my lawyer tomorrow. I may start this before Nov 15th.
> She keeps saying stuff like if there's a chance to fix this, maybe down the line, etc. I told her that's okay, but if it happens it will only be after we are divorced. Almost like she wants to stall me.


Not almost like she wants to stall. She will do everything to stall the inevitable.

You remain hesitant to take immediate action. You may start before Nov 15. What exactly is stopping you from moving forward now? Why contact your lawyer if you plan to waffle until Nov 15? Nothing will change.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wolfman1968 said:


> Is there some sort of economic benefit she will get if she stalls? Are you getting some sort of money, becoming eligible for a retirement, some sort of deal coming to a close, anything?


Nothing that I can think of.


----------



## MrBigBoy

marko polo said:


> Not almost like she wants to stall. She will do everything to stall the inevitable.
> 
> You remain hesitant to take immediate action. You may start before Nov 15. What exactly is stopping you from moving forward now? Why contact your lawyer if you plan to waffle until Nov 15? Nothing will change.


I was going to ask the attorney for her opinion, but I'm thinking of going ahead and starting it, like she previously advised. Thanks.


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> I was going to ask the attorney for her opinion, but I'm thinking of going ahead and starting it, like she previously advised. Thanks.


if she previously advised you to start it, you already have her opinion.


----------



## Jimi007

@MrBigBoy ......she denied cheating on you and now you have an std from her..My God man , I'm really sorry for you. 

At least you now know why she moved out. To test out someone else. Which means she was cheating while with you..Double gut punch...

I hope this std is something you can get rid of , with meds. ?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah, that's pretty much what I did. Deep down it felt good to know for sure, to really have answers.


Good for you. Did she have any comment about it?


----------



## MrBigBoy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Good for you. Did she have any comment about it?


She just denied it. I told her that she was a nasty and filthy woman, and that I felt sorry for her. And I told her that I wasn't upset.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Read this:

Just Let Them Go


----------



## Chuck71

So very sorry for the news. But now you know. If you have only been with her and she still denies it,

then talking to her is over. Let the lawyer do the talking. How long has it been since you and her had

sex? Are you going to let all your friends / family know of this?

Can you use this in your state to prove she was cheating?


----------



## Exit37

OP, I'm late to the game but you need to get a move-on with the D. She gave you an STI!!! And there is a reason why she wants to stall, I would be worried that she has her hooks into your business somehow, I mean she was your bookkeeper. I would spend a few bucks on a forensic accountant to give everything a going-over. You will likely need to do that for the D anyway. This has been going on way too long, please just get it done.

Final thought -- SHE GAVE YOU A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTION. She is a POS. The wife you remember is dead, cut this imposter out of your life, on your terms and timeline. You can do it.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Update:*
It doesn't change my beliefs but I made a mistake, sorry. I received the letter from the lab results that listed the STD but at the visit the doctor said that it was listed on the letter from the lab as negative. So I do not have an std. Although, I am still convinced that she cheated. This doesn't change my mind on that. 
After I read that letter I contacted her and told her that we could do this with or without the attorneys, she said without, so I gave her until mid November to counter my offer if she didn't accept my terms. That's when I posted here. I haven't talked to her since, but told her which phone would be available for her to text with her counter.
Sorry. 
*Note:* I've downsized my business. The attorney said if I keep my income where it is today that I should be safe with my business. So I've decided to just keep the income where it is until I'm divorced, just enough to cover my bills and keep the business alive. 

I want to post a few more previous texts here from my stbxw if that's okay with you all?


----------



## Jimi007

Please do...thanks for the update. Glad you're moving on.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Good to see you standing strong. Keep staying strong and hope this all goes through smoothly for you. 

One day you will meet a woman who will love and cherish you, and not mix body juices with other men. Your ex wife is not a good wife or a safe wife. A good wife doesn't treat their husband like shiiit, and risk passing on std's or gawd knows what else. 

Wishing you all the best going forward. Stay no contact and record everything she says whenever she contacts you or just wants to argue. Do this for your protection because some women are always saying their huaband abused them when they weren't being abused at all. Never trust her ever. Look at her as the enemy. Stay keeping strong and keep using this page for advice and extra support.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Quick question*. I'm concerned about the attorney milking me. She said it would cost $3k to file, and she suggested filing under the grounds of suspicion of adultery. What is the worse case scenario that would have me accumulating more debt in this?


----------



## Chuck71

Proving it in a court of law is difficult. You virtually have to have video or action photos.

There's a guy in SC that pulled it off though. He didn't have proof but he acted as if

he did. @SCDad01


----------



## Mr.Married

The bait y’all are all eating must taste great.


----------



## TXTrini

Chuck71 said:


> Proving it in a court of law is difficult. You virtually have to have video or action photos.
> 
> There's a guy in SC that pulled it off though. He didn't have proof but he acted as if
> 
> he did. @SCDad01


You don't have to prove it to the court, it goes to discovery. 

Her side will have to provide documents, though she could refuse to or dump them the day before you need them. I filed due to adultery, my ex cooperated and coughed up the name which went on record but did a document dump of about 2000 pages the night before our mediation (we have to go to mediation inTexas). It contained proof though, and I found it.

How determined are you? This 61-page thread with you waffling doesn't exactly inspire confidence. You've waited too long to get proof, she could have covered her tracks, so entirely up to you if you want to spend the money at this point.


----------



## Openminded

Filing anything but an agreed upon no-fault divorce generally costs a lot more money. No agreement between the parties means an adversarial lawsuit. Lawyers get richer — clients don’t.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Proving it in a court of law is difficult. You virtually have to have video or action photos.
> 
> There's a guy in SC that pulled it off though. He didn't have proof but he acted as if
> 
> he did. @SCDad01


Yeah I know, but I'll give it a shot and hope to get some leniency. But I'm really talking about the fees racking up if she decides to not cooperate with getting the divorce, you know just to piss me off.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I just talked with the paralegal and she is helping me with filing myself. I just downloaded the first set of forms($150 to file myself). She advised to file under the 1 year separation grounds. I'm going to fill them out and send them in and get a copy back(from the state) to use to get the papers served($80) at her job. She said that if my stbx doesn't cooperate that the state will just divorce us. Hell Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## MrBigBoy

*My Adultery Evidence:*
I'm not saying I have a lot, but here's what I have.
#1. I found searches on our home computer of her searching for instructions on how to suck a woody. She wasn't sucking my woody. 
#2. I found a letter from that guy to her and I read it. He seemed like a young immature bum talking smooth to an old dumb, boss wife. She worked at a fast food restaurant and would hire young guys. That was probably her intentions, to hire young guys to replace me. Some women are just delusional. I don't remember much about the letter but I remember thinking the guy was lame and saying stupid crap to her. I could see him laughing at her, in my mind as he wrote it. She had it hidden in a book, we talked about it. That's when she admitted that it was not physical but that she had feelings for him. I didn't really do or say anything. Just numb. 
#3. She had a car accident after work one night(around midnight), she later told me about it. It wasn't her fault. I went to the attorneys office with her. The attorney assured her that she'd be getting money from the incident. He asked for the police report that she had and wrote down information from it. I reached for that report after the attorney was done with it and decided to read it. She had a passenger in the car that night. It was him. His name was on the police report also.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Mr.Married said:


> The bait y’all are all eating must taste great.


what?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> Filing anything but an agreed upon no-fault divorce generally costs a lot more money. No agreement between the parties means an adversarial lawsuit. Lawyers get richer — clients don’t.


I'm thinking of just letting the state handle it. I just want out. Do I have the wrong idea?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Is it pretty much guaranteed that the husband will be pissed after a divorce(with the outcome)?


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm thinking of just letting the state handle it. I just want out. Do I have the wrong idea?


This is according to divorce laws in my state. If your wife agrees to the divorce that’s the cheapest it can get. If she doesn’t agree it can get expensive. She’ll have to be served. What she does after that is the question. If she does nothing, and doesn’t respond to the petition, you’re done within whatever period of time your state says (mine is 30 days at minimum before a hearing can be scheduled before a judge). But if she decides to contest the divorce — for financial reasons or any other reason she comes up with — and what was going to be a simple hearing turns into something more complicated, well, that can be another story. And the longer it drags out the more it will cost.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> Is it pretty much guaranteed that the husband will be pissed after a divorce(with the outcome)?


Depends. The best outcome is a negotiated settlement agreement between the two of you about finances and everything else before you see a judge. Will you get everything you want? Probably not — and neither will she — but the goal should be fair and equitable. That very often falls short for any number of reasons but agreed-upon settlement beforehand is the best option IMO.


----------



## Chuck71

If she gets greedy-you lose but so does she. Explain that to her going in. As for the evidence.....

will not hold water. Try to avoid her going "mutual destruction"


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> If she gets greedy-you lose but so does she. Explain that to her going in. As for the evidence.....
> 
> will not hold water. Try to avoid her going "mutual destruction"


👍


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Another Previous Text from her:*(_I copied/paste. I did not modify or correct her text, other than omitting my name_)
[

Side note, [my name] I care deeply for you and all I wanted was to be happy as a wife and a mother, I wanted a plain happy country family. All we needed was each other and I believed we had that at some point in our relationship. Somewhere in the mix we became side track, chasing things that really weren't a goal for us both. I'm simple and I like a simple life. My motto has always been : " To stay true to your self". I'm a simple, private, country girl; I like peace and quietness; I'm comfortable in my skin. I like walking barefoot, I'm not flashy or fast pace. Just plain simple!!
I love you for who you were and who you were growing into, that has not changed. GOD's Will has to be done for our marriage to ever reconcile. I have to respect that!
Take care 😘 

]

Just wondering if anyone would care to read into this.


----------



## Beach123

Sounds like she is done with the marriage despite having loved you. 
sounds like she began living a lifestyle she didn’t agree with - didn’t care for.
So she is unhappy…and short of a Hail Mary - she’s over it.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

MrBigBoy said:


> *Another Previous Text from her:*(_I copied/paste. I did not modify or correct her text, other than omitting my name_)
> [
> 
> Side note, [my name] I care deeply for you and all I wanted was to be happy as a wife and a mother, I wanted a plain happy country family. All we needed was each other and I believed we had that at some point in our relationship. Somewhere in the mix we became side track, chasing things that really weren't a goal for us both. I'm simple and I like a simple life. My motto has always been : " To stay true to your self". I'm a simple, private, country girl; I like peace and quietness; I'm comfortable in my skin. I like walking barefoot, I'm not flashy or fast pace. Just plain simple!!
> I love you for who you were and who you were growing into, that has not changed. GOD's Will has to be done for our marriage to ever reconcile. I have to respect that!
> Take care 😘
> 
> ]
> 
> Just wondering if anyone would care to read into this.


Read into this?

First…why? Why does it matter? Move on and ignore it.

Second… she’s basically telling you she tried a new path and it didn’t work out.

Her country girl dream includes keeping Bo and Luke out back for some rolls in the hay. She forgot to mention that part. Let her chase her dream as a single woman.


----------



## Zedd

MrBigBoy said:


> Just wondering if anyone would care to read into this.


Using God as a justification for her choices - choices she knows she's not proud of, by the way.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Zedd said:


> Using God as a justification for her choices - choices she knows she's not proud of, by the way.


Right, this is what I was thinking. Thanks


----------



## MrBigBoy

Beach123 said:


> Sounds like she is done with the marriage despite having loved you.
> sounds like she began living a lifestyle she didn’t agree with - didn’t care for.
> So she is unhappy…and short of a Hail Mary - she’s over it.


This is what I was thinking, but also like the attorney was thinking that she wants to hold onto me, just in case.


----------



## Beach123

Being anyones plan B isn’t pretty. 
it’s time for you to take charge of your future and do some things to change this fence sitting she is doing.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Beach123 said:


> Being anyones plan B isn’t pretty.
> it’s time for you to take charge of your future and do some things to change this fence sitting she is doing.


What?


----------



## MrBigBoy

I downloaded the forms today. There are 3 sets of forms(_*Complaint for Divorce, Summons for Divorce and Financial Declarations*_). The Complaint and Summons looks pretty simple. But the Financial Declarations looks a little tedious, but I'll just finish it in sections. 
I really appreciate you all's support. Thank you.


----------



## Openminded

An uncontested divorce where the terms have been agreed to beforehand is easy. If you can get her to agree then you’re golden. The problems begin if she doesn’t agree. Than all bets are off as to how long it will take and how expensive it will be. So encourage her to work with you on this and soon it will be done.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> An uncontested divorce where the terms have been agreed to beforehand is easy. If you can get her to agree then you’re golden. The problems begin if she doesn’t agree. Than all bets are off as to how long it will take and how expensive it will be. So encourage her to work with you on this and soon it will be done.


I really just want this over with. I'm willing to pretty much accept what the state says if she tries to ignore or prolong this.


----------



## *Deidre*

MrBigBoy said:


> *Another Previous Text from her:*(_I copied/paste. I did not modify or correct her text, other than omitting my name_)
> [
> 
> Side note, [my name] I care deeply for you and all I wanted was to be happy as a wife and a mother, I wanted a plain happy country family. All we needed was each other and I believed we had that at some point in our relationship. Somewhere in the mix we became side track, chasing things that really weren't a goal for us both. I'm simple and I like a simple life. My motto has always been : " To stay true to your self". I'm a simple, private, country girl; I like peace and quietness; I'm comfortable in my skin. I like walking barefoot, I'm not flashy or fast pace. Just plain simple!!
> I love you for who you were and who you were growing into, that has not changed. GOD's Will has to be done for our marriage to ever reconcile. I have to respect that!
> Take care 😘
> 
> ]
> 
> Just wondering if anyone would care to read into this.


She's giving you some false hope towards the end, by inferring ''if God's will is done for us, then our marriage will reconcile.'' So, you're now reading into it, see? It worked. Sounds like she wants to move on from you, but make sure you're still right where she left you, in case she decides to reconcile.

Y'all should just call it a day. What's holding this up?


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Deidre* said:


> She's giving you some false hope towards the end, by inferring ''if God's will is done for us, then our marriage will reconcile.'' So, you're now reading into it, see? It worked. Sounds like she wants to move on from you, but make sure you're still right where she left you, in case she decides to reconcile.
> 
> Y'all should just call it a day. What's holding this up?


No, that's an older text that I just wanted to share. I like to log everything here if anyone is interested. One day I will look back and read this thread and wonder, "WTH?"


----------



## *Deidre*

MrBigBoy said:


> No, that's an older text that I just wanted to share. I like to log everything here if anyone is interested. One day I will look back and read this thread and wonder, "WTH?"


Lol! Okay. I’m glad you’re moving on.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Deidre* said:


> She's giving you some false hope towards the end, by inferring ''if God's will is done for us, then our marriage will reconcile.'' So, you're now reading into it, see? It worked. Sounds like she wants to move on from you, but make sure you're still right where she left you, in case she decides to reconcile.
> 
> Y'all should just call it a day. What's holding this up?


I pretty much told her that it would be best if we talked it out and be reasonable about what we have and split what we have together. I offer to give her money, that my attorney later so not to. She just didn't want to talk about it. I told her that if we fight that the attorneys would be getting taking from any access that we could have just divided.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Deidre* said:


> Lol! Okay. I’m glad you’re moving on.


I am moving on and I happen to be single. What's your name and where are you from?


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> I really just want this over with. I'm willing to pretty much accept what the state says if she tries to ignore or prolong this.


I don’t get what you mean about the state saying anything. In my state, if she doesn’t respond to the summons that’s default. And an automatic divorce at the hearing (which is technically a divorce trial). Done. But if she contests the divorce then the court will schedule a trial, with or without a jury, and you may be back and forth in court for some unknown period of time before the judge makes a decision. It could be very quick — many trials are — but it might not be. And the cost is definitely different between an uncontested divorce and a contested divorce. The end result is the same but the process isn’t. We’re talking about considerable time and money in most contested divorces. I’m unaware of a state solution that wouldn’t involve a trial if one party decides they don’t want to cooperate. What is your understanding about what your state will do if she contests?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> I don’t get what you mean about the state saying anything. In my state, if she doesn’t respond to the summons that’s default. And an automatic divorce at the hearing (which is technically a divorce trial). Done. But if she contests the divorce then the court will schedule a trial, with or without a jury, and you may be back and forth in court for some unknown period of time before the judge makes a decision. It could be very quick — many trials are — but it might not be. And the cost is definitely different between an uncontested divorce and a contested divorce. The end result is the same but the process isn’t. We’re talking about considerable time and money in most contested divorces. I’m unaware of a state solution that wouldn’t involve a trial if one party decides they don’t want to cooperate. What is your understanding about what your state will do if she contests?


I'd rather not say, I would be assuming. I'll ask on Monday and let you know.


----------



## ABHale

MrBigBoy said:


> *Another Previous Text from her:*(_I copied/paste. I did not modify or correct her text, other than omitting my name_)
> [
> 
> Side note, [my name] I care deeply for you and all I wanted was to be happy as a wife and a mother, I wanted a plain happy country family. All we needed was each other and I believed we had that at some point in our relationship. Somewhere in the mix we became side track, chasing things that really weren't a goal for us both. I'm simple and I like a simple life. My motto has always been : " To stay true to your self". I'm a simple, private, country girl; I like peace and quietness; I'm comfortable in my skin. I like walking barefoot, I'm not flashy or fast pace. Just plain simple!!
> I love you for who you were and who you were growing into, that has not changed. GOD's Will has to be done for our marriage to ever reconcile. I have to respect that!
> Take care 😘
> 
> ]
> 
> Just wondering if anyone would care to read into this.


What is she talking about?


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> I'd rather not say, I would be assuming. I'll ask on Monday and let you know.


You need to be very clear about what will happen if she contests the divorce. If she ignores the summons that would be a bad move on her part unless she just doesn’t care if the judge grants what you’ve requested in your petition. Then, yes, you would be done quickly. In most states, that’s a few minutes before a judge. But if she decides to turn it into a contested divorce that’s another story entirely. You would eventually be divorced (as long you could afford the cost involved) but that’s definitely the hard way. I know of contested divorces in my state that cost many tens of thousands of dollars. You don’t necessarily know how long a trial may last — a day, a week, a month? It depends. So you need to know the details about what happens in your state if this isn’t a quick and easy uncontested, no-fault divorce.


----------



## MrBigBoy

ABHale said:


> What is she talking about?


Your guess is as good as mine.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> You need to be very clear about what will happen if she contests the divorce. If she ignores the summons that would be a bad move on her part unless she just doesn’t care if the judge grants what you’ve requested in your petition. Then, yes, you would be done quickly. In most states, that’s a few minutes before a judge. But if she decides to turn it into a contested divorce that’s another story entirely. You would eventually be divorced (as long you could afford the cost involved) but that’s definitely the hard way. I know of contested divorces in my state that cost many tens of thousands of dollars. You don’t necessarily know how long a trial may last — a day, a week, a month? It depends. So you need to know the details about what happens in your state if this isn’t a quick and easy uncontested, no-fault divorce.


If I'm hit with some sort of payment would they not give me the divorce until it's paid? I really wouldn't mind being in debt and divorce.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> If I'm hit with some sort of payment would they not give me the divorce until it's paid? I really wouldn't mind being in debt and divorce.


If you mean lawyer’s fees, most require a retainer when they take the case. Anything beyond that retainer they usually expect payment for as things progress and they bill you. I suppose some could work out a payment plan but I’m not sure how common that is. I don’t know what it would take for her to agree on terms so it could be uncontested. More assets than she’s entitled to maybe? But it’s worth exploring. However, sounds as if she doesn’t want to discuss it at all? That’s a complication you don’t want.


----------



## Jimi007

Just curious , you said that you have a child together. A minor child ?


----------



## Chuck71

Jimi007...... one child, over 18.

OP..... you could try what my XW and I did, a DIY divorce. Cost $184. That was in TN and 10 years ago.

She went to a lawyer and the retainer was $950. We both agreed that was too much. If she has not lived

at the marital home, why not file on grounds of abandonment? Once you start the process, don't be shocked

if she tries to reel you back in. My wait time for a D was 60 days. The last 30 my XW started making reaches.

After it was final she made reaches.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Jimi007 said:


> Just curious , you said that you have a child together. A minor child ?


I have a daughter(29) she's married; and a son(23) currently with me.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> Jimi007...... one child, over 18.
> 
> OP..... you could try what my XW and I did, a DIY divorce. Cost $184. That was in TN and 10 years ago.
> 
> She went to a lawyer and the retainer was $950. We both agreed that was too much. If she has not lived
> 
> at the marital home, why not file on grounds of abandonment? Once you start the process, don't be shocked
> 
> if she tries to reel you back in. My wait time for a D was 60 days. The last 30 my XW started making reaches.
> 
> After it was final she made reaches.


What is "making reaches"? That she was actually trying to fix the marriage at that moment? 

Currently this woman has not showed any interest in working out a decent plan. It's like she's calling my bluff.


----------



## Openminded

What did your lawyer say to do if she isn’t cooperative?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Im confused on the 2 page. I was wondering if someone could help me?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Do I just leave #9 - #11 all blank?


----------



## BootsAndJeans

MrBigBoy said:


> Do I just leave #9 - #11 all blank?


Just 12 blank


----------



## Openminded

9 and 10 are assets and debt. You either agree how to split them or you don’t. If you don’t (according to the laws in my state) then you won’t have an uncontested divorce. There will be a trial because it’s contested and then the judge decides what happens if the two of you can’t agree. That’s the expensive way to handle it. 

11 is name change. If she wants to take back her maiden name (as the defendant if you’re the one filing) then you could check that box or else indicate you don’t know the preference.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> What did your lawyer say to do if she isn’t cooperative?


I really don't remember what the paralegal said. I'm just trying to do this and save as much in my pockets as possible. So I'm hoping you all can help me also. I can relay whatever they tell me to you all. I don't trust lawyers.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> 9 and 10 are assets and debt. You either agree how to split them or you don’t. If you don’t (according to the laws in my state) then you won’t have an uncontested divorce. There will be a trial because it’s contested and then the judge decides what happens if the two of you can’t agree. That’s the expensive way to handle it.
> 
> 11 is name change. If she wants to take back her maiden name (as the defendant if you’re the one filing) then you could check that box or else indicate you don’t know the preference.


I really don't want her keeping my name, but I have a feeling she will.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> 9 and 10 are assets and debt. You either agree how to split them or you don’t. If you don’t (according to the laws in my state) then you won’t have an uncontested divorce. There will be a trial because it’s contested and then the judge decides what happens if the two of you can’t agree. That’s the expensive way to handle it.
> 
> 11 is name change. If she wants to take back her maiden name (as the defendant if you’re the one filing) then you could check that box or else indicate you don’t know the preference.


So I should leave 9, 10, 11 blank, right? There's nothing to answer for 12, 13 and 14, right?


----------



## Openminded

Yes, that’s her choice about the name. Some women do keep their married names (for various reasons) and some prefer to take their original name back. 

The form apparently is for an uncontested divorce (without alimony) because you either have to check that you don’t have assets or debt or you have to check that you’ve agreed on their division. If the two of you don’t agree then I don’t know if it will be accepted for filing. 

Also, if she wants alimony and there’s no provision for it in this form, she could contest this once she’s served — assuming it’s actually accepted for filing by the county clerk (as would be the case in my state) with some of it left blank since asset and debt division are very important parts. 

12, 13, and 14 appear to be statements you’re agreeing to with nothing to check off that I see. This form is apparently for a simple, uncontested divorce with agreement on assets and debts between the parties. I don’t think at this point you have that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> Yes, that’s her choice about the name. Some women do keep their married names (for various reasons) and some prefer to take their original name back.
> 
> The form apparently is for an uncontested divorce (without alimony) because you either have to check that you don’t have assets or debt or you have to check that you’ve agreed on their division. If the two of you don’t agree then I don’t know if it will be accepted for filing.
> 
> Also, if she wants alimony and there’s no provision for it in this form, she could contest this once she’s served — assuming it’s actually accepted for filing by the county clerk (as would be the case in my state) with some of it left blank since asset and debt division are very important parts.
> 
> 12, 13, and 14 appear to be statements you’re agreeing to with nothing to check off that I see. This form is apparently for a simple, uncontested divorce with agreement on assets and debts between the parties. I don’t think at this point you have that.


So I'm wondering why the paralegal had me to download and use these forms. I'll ask tomorrow.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> So I'm wondering why the paralegal had me to download and use these forms. I'll ask tomorrow.


That form appears to be a simple, uncontested divorce. Possibly she or he thought there would be agreement on asset and debt division? If not, she or he would know the laws of your state much better than we do.


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> So I'm wondering why the paralegal had me to download and use these forms. I'll ask tomorrow.


Yeah, I agree with @Openminded . This form appears to be for an uncontested divorce where everything has been agreed upon.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wolfman1968 said:


> Yeah, I agree with @Openminded . This form appears to be for an uncontested divorce where everything has been agreed upon.


I'm thinking maybe I should file this and hope my stbxw will just give me the divorce.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Oh yeah, after reading reviews on Cymbalta I stopped taking them immediately.


----------



## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> Oh yeah, after reading reviews on Cymbalta I stopped taking them immediately.


Yes, the list of side effects are long, one of the worst, keeps your manhood short.

Is a calm mind, worth a flat-lined erection?

The sad thing is that a good lady wants and deserves one and not the other.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm thinking maybe I should file this and hope my stbxw will just give me the divorce.


You certainly can _try _to file it but it may not be accepted by the clerk of court because it doesn’t meet the criteria for an uncontested divorce (asset and debt division not agreed to).


----------



## Openminded

If you’re trying to represent yourself and not use a lawyer, you need to have the proper forms for your situation. If you and your wife can’t agree on asset and debt distribution, the uncontested form isn’t the right one. Even if somehow you get your current forms filed as is, the judge at the hearing is likely to ask questions (the judge for my hearing asked a lot of questions as he was skimming through my petition and it was in perfect order). Your wife will have to be served or sign a form waiving service and she’ll get a copy of the complaint. When she reads it, she’ll know what you’re asking for and if it’s not something she agreed to there’s no reason for her to go along with it. Hope isn’t a strategy. You need to come to an agreement about assets and debts or realize you’re going to be dealing with a contested divorce and the judge will then decide how that’s allocated instead of the two of you.


----------



## Openminded

And few people are ever all that thrilled about how a judge decides things. If the two of you can’t agree, tell her it’s going to cost a lot of money. You’ll still be divorced — I’ve never heard of a judge refusing to grant a divorce — but it’ll be more expensive (depending on how much she wants to fight it). Maybe she doesn’t care about the expense, or making it uncomplicated, but most people prefer simple and easy over the alternative — especially when you have a third party (judge) making decisions that the two of you could have made and which neither of you may like.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> What did your lawyer say to do if she isn’t cooperative?


Okay, just got off of the phone with the paralegal. She said after she's served she'll have 30 days to respond, if she doesn't the paralegal said I would then request for a temporary hearing.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> Okay, just got off the phone with the paralegal. She said after she's served she'll have 30 days to respond, if she doesn't the paralegal said I would then request for a temporary hearing.


And the paralegal said you can file uncontested (meaning agreement between the parties) and leave blanks in the complaint regarding asset and debt division?

In my state, when the defendant doesn’t respond the plaintiff is granted what is asked for in the complaint. It’s a default judgment in my state. In an agreed-upon, uncontested divorce there’s no reason for the defendant to respond. If the defendant doesn’t agree with what’s in the complaint, then he or she responds with a counter-claim or counter-suit (in my state) and then the judge decides for you. That’s what you’d like to avoid. Maybe your wife will be one of those rare defendants who just doesn’t care but that’s unlikely. When money is involved people usually care.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> And the paralegal said you can file uncontested (meaning agreement between the parties) and leave blanks in the complaint regarding asset and debt division?
> 
> In my state, when the defendant doesn’t respond the plaintiff is granted what is asked for in the complaint. It’s a default judgment in my state. In an agreed-upon, uncontested divorce there’s no reason for the defendant to respond. If the defendant doesn’t agree with what’s in the complaint, then he or she responds with a counter-claim or counter-suit (in my state) and then the judge decides for you. That’s what you’d like to avoid. Maybe your wife will be one of those rare defendants who just doesn’t care but that’s unlikely. When money is involved people usually care.


She was just saying that I should do this to get it started and if my stbx doesn't agree that she could respond then or not. I'm calling her back tomorrow, it was a very short conversation.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> She was just saying that I should do this to get it started and if my stbx doesn't agree that she could respond then or not. I'm calling her back tomorrow, it was a very short conversation.


Yes, if your wife doesn’t agree she can contest it and file her own counter-complaint of what should be done (in my state). In that case, she’ll be the plaintiff and you’ll be the defendant.

The bigger issue at the moment is whether or not you can file the complaint you downloaded leaving blank the questions regarding asset/debt division. The paralegal will know whether a document with blanks in it — especially pertaining to key elements like assets and debts — is valid or not.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> Yes, if your wife doesn’t agree she can contest it and file her own counter-complaint of what should be done (in my state). In that case, she’ll be the plaintiff and you’ll be the defendant.
> 
> The bigger issue at the moment is whether or not you can file the complaint you downloaded leaving blank the questions regarding asset/debt division. The paralegal will know whether a document with blanks in it — especially pertaining to key elements like assets and debts — is valid or not.


I'll ask the paralegal tomorrow.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> Yes, if your wife doesn’t agree she can contest it and file her own counter-complaint of what should be done (in my state). In that case, she’ll be the plaintiff and you’ll be the defendant.
> 
> The bigger issue at the moment is whether or not you can file the complaint you downloaded leaving blank the questions regarding asset/debt division. The paralegal will know whether a document with blanks in it — especially pertaining to key elements like assets and debts — is valid or not.


Okay, the paralegal told me to put we will divide(assets) on our own, on the paper.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> Okay, the paralegal told me to put we will divide(assets) on our own, on the paper.


In my state that division needs to be done _before_ the complaint is filed — otherwise by checking that box you are representing that the division has been done when it hasn’t been (and, more important, may not be if she chooses not to cooperate). Or by leaving it blank does it become null and void? Maybe the paralegal doesn’t understand that you and your wife aren’t yet in agreement about any of this? In any event, the paralegal is the one familiar with the laws in your state. If she says a document with blanks in it can be filed then go with it.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> In my state that division needs to be done _before_ the complaint is filed — otherwise by checking that box you are representing that the division has been done when it hasn’t been (and, more important, may not be if she chooses not to cooperate). Or by leaving it blank does it become null and void? Maybe the paralegal doesn’t understand that you and your wife aren’t yet in agreement about any of this? In any event, the paralegal is the one familiar with the laws in your state. If she says a document with blanks in it can be filed then go with it.


She told me to fill it out, not to leave it blank. She's aware of my wife not cooperating. The paralegal is preparing for the next step, filing for a temporary hearing. But after the summons that I'm preparing.


----------



## Wolfman1968

MrBigBoy said:


> She told me to fill it out, not to leave it blank. She's aware of my wife not cooperating. The paralegal is preparing for the next step, filing for a temporary hearing. But after the summons that I'm preparing.


OK, do as she says, BUT make sure someone from the law firm will be there to answer the judge if he/she questions why it was filled out that way.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, do as she says, BUT make sure someone from the law firm will be there to answer the judge if he/she questions why it was filled out that way.


Ok


----------



## Openminded

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, do as she says, BUT make sure someone from the law firm will be there to answer the judge if he/she questions why it was filled out that way.


Absolutely.

ETA:
Divorce judges like to ask questions (mine certainly did). Makes them feel that they’re involved and not just rubber-stamping divorces that are uncontested. Of course, your divorce will likely become contested once your wife is served and reads the complaint — assuming, of course, she isn’t planning on cooperating. It’ll be curious to see what her Answer alleges and what she asks for.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> ETA:
> Divorce judges like to ask questions (mine certainly did). Makes them feel that they’re involved and not just rubber-stamping divorces that are uncontested. Of course, your divorce will likely become contested once your wife is served and reads the complaint — assuming, of course, she isn’t planning on cooperating. It’ll be curious to see what her Answer alleges and what she asks for.


Yeah. Keep in mind the paralegal is aware that she may fight, but wanted to at least get it started.


----------



## MrBigBoy

I don't trust attorneys so I will need experiences and advice from you all. I want this quick as possible, along with me keeping what I can.


----------



## Chuck71

What do you call 100 divorce attorneys at the bottom of a lake?

A good start 8>)~~


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> What do you call 100 divorce attorneys at the bottom of a lake?
> 
> A good start 8>)~~


lol


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> I don't trust attorneys so I will need experiences and advice from you all. I want this quick as possible, along with me keeping what I can.


For starters, I kept my exH last name.. He was fine with it... I also didn't like my maiden last name, so it was a no-brainer for me. 

I only went for what was right by law... Nothing more, nothing less. I had 30 days from the time I was served to respond. If I had not, it'd be uncontested and he got what he wanted. By the grace of God, one thing led to another, and another and I was able to respond and then retain a lawyer. He did everything and I just sat back, biting my tongue even if I wanted to yell and scream.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah. Keep in mind the paralegal is aware that she may fight, but wanted to at least get it started.


Well, I hope there’s a strategy for that because in my state what would happen when the parties don’t agree is that as the defendant she would file an Answer that would likely deny what you said in the Complaint about assets and debt. At that point a hearing/trial would be scheduled and the two of you would each present your side and the judge would decide what’s to be done since the two of you can’t agree. That might be a quick process but it also might not.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> Well, I hope there’s a strategy for that because in my state what would happen when the parties don’t agree is that as the defendant she would file an Answer that would likely deny what you said in the Complaint about assets and debt. At that point a hearing/trial would be scheduled and the two of you would each present your side and the judge would decide what’s to be done since the two of you can’t agree. That might be a quick process but it also might not.


So what would you suggest I do if the stbxw is not cooperating with me?


----------



## MrBigBoy

Works said:


> For starters, I kept my exH last name.. He was fine with it... I also didn't like my maiden last name, so it was a no-brainer for me.
> 
> I only went for what was right by law... Nothing more, nothing less. I had 30 days from the time I was served to respond. If I had not, it'd be uncontested and he got what he wanted. By the grace of God, one thing led to another, and another and I was able to respond and then retain a lawyer. He did everything and I just sat back, biting my tongue even if I wanted to yell and scream.


I really hope she does not keep my name. I personally think it's weird, and in some cases spiteful.


----------



## UAArchangel

MrBigBoy said:


> So what would you suggest I do if the stbxw is not cooperating with me?


The law cannot force you to stay in a marriage if you want out. There are default positions, in terms of divisions of assets that the judge would refer to in order to bring a legal end to your marriage. All you can do is be as prepared as you can. Find out the law in your area, in regards to division of assets, and make the adjustments that you like that still respect that law. That's probably the best way to get a judgement in your favour.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Should I inform my stbxw about the summons that will be coming? I'm not sure if she really believes I'll file. And I don't want to piss her off and make her fight. Should I alert her to tell her that I will be filing and keeping what's mine, and she keeps what's hers, and what's our will remain ours?


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> I really hope she does not keep my name. I personally think it's weird, and in some cases spiteful.


I guess it would depend on the situation. But I do understand how that would make you feel. 

I moreso kept it because I didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my name on everything again... It's funny cause with his first wife he was adamant she didn't keep it, with me, he didn't care. She would've done it out of spite...


----------



## MrBigBoy

Works said:


> I guess it would depend on the situation. But I do understand how that would make you feel.
> 
> I moreso kept it because I didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my name on everything again... It's funny cause with his first wife he was adamant she didn't keep it, with me, he didn't care. She would've done it out of spite...


I also think most women do this because they know their chances of remarrying is very, very low, so they like to hold onto something to explain to others and letting them know that they were married, at least. If I met a woman that had her ex's last name I would dump her,...afterwards. I'm just saying.
I admit that I had issues with dependency. But if my stbxw keeps my name, I think she has issues with independency. The root of divorce, is div=divide. Go back to you, is what everyone should do.


----------



## Works

MrBigBoy said:


> I also think most women do this because they know their chances of remarrying is very, very low, so they like to hold onto something to explain to others and letting them know that they were married, at least. If I met a woman that had her ex's last name I would dump her,...afterwards. I'm just saying.
> I admit that I had issues with dependency. But if my stbxw keeps my name, I think she has issues with independency. The root of divorce, is div=divide. Go back to you, is what everyone should do.


That sure is a another perspective, definitely not how I saw it at all. TAM has definitely taught me that we all handle things extremely different.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> So what would you suggest I do if the stbxw is not cooperating with me?


That’s where the judge comes in. If the two of you can’t agree, he’ll make the determination after hearing both your sides. You’ll be granted a divorce at some point but it may not be quick or easy. It depends on how uncooperative she is as to how the process goes. She can’t prevent the divorce but she can make it difficult.


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> I also think most women do this because they know their chances of remarrying is very, very low, so they like to hold onto something to explain to others and letting them know that they were married, at least. If I met a woman that had her ex's last name I would dump her,...afterwards. I'm just saying.
> I admit that I had issues with dependency. But if my stbxw keeps my name, I think she has issues with independency. The root of divorce, is div=divide. Go back to you, is what everyone should do.


I wanted my original name back because it was mine even though I’d had my husband’s name for 45 years. Many women want to have the same name as their child(ren). I didn’t feel that way even though my child and grandchildren wanted me to keep it. Some women find their married name easier to pronounce or shorter or less complicated or they’ve had it a long time or whatever the reason might be for keeping it. There are all sorts of reasons why but most frequent is having the same name as their child(ren).



MrBigBoy said:


> Should I inform my stbxw about the summons that will be coming? I'm not sure if she really believes I'll file. And I don't want to piss her off and make her fight. Should I alert her to tell her that I will be filing and keeping what's mine, and she keeps what's hers, and what's our will remain ours?


Yes, let her know that you’re filing if you think she’ll be more uncooperative if she finds out when she’s served (she has to either be served or waive service and waiving service is usually done when the parties are in agreement — which so far the two of you aren’t). 

As to what yours together (house, cars, boat — whatever is jointly owned), that’s obviously the part you have to divide. In my state whatever is acquired during a marriage is considered as belonging to both of you and is marital property unless there’s an agreement in writing between the two of you that it doesn’t. Same goes for debt. Which is why division of assets and debt can be difficult to agree on. If the two of you can’t agree then the judge will do it for you. That’s what you want to avoid if at all possible since you may not like what the judge decides.


----------



## Openminded

Works said:


> I guess it would depend on the situation. But I do understand how that would make you feel.
> 
> I moreso kept it because I didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my name on everything again... It's funny cause with his first wife he was adamant she didn't keep it, with me, he didn't care. She would've done it out of spite...


Yes, the hassle of changing it everywhere — and getting new ID’s — is a total pain. Definitely some women don’t want to go through that. I was determined to erase as much of my exH as I could and a key part of that was going back to who I was originally even though a lot of decades separated that.


----------



## Works

Openminded said:


> Yes, the hassle of changing it everywhere — and getting new ID’s — is a total pain. Definitely some women don’t want to go through that. I was determined to erase as much of my exH as I could and a key part of that was going back to who I was originally even though a lot of decades separated that.


Understandable...


----------



## MrBigBoy

Openminded said:


> That’s where the judge comes in. If the two of you can’t agree, he’ll make the determination after hearing both your sides. You’ll be granted a divorce at some point but it may not be quick or easy. It depends on how uncooperative she is as to how the process goes. She can’t prevent the divorce but she can make it difficult.


I understand that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

*Question:*
I had a conversation with my brother a few days ago, and had a question for him. He's on his second marriage and it seems pretty solid after 10 years. He dated a few women before marrying the second. It's obvious that I'm working on myself and trying to do the right thing. But my question was, "How long do you think it would really take to truly get over a wife or woman?" And he said, "It wont completely end until you have feelings for another. Whether it's 10 months, 10 years, but not until then."
I would really like everyone's thoughts on this.


----------



## UAArchangel

MrBigBoy said:


> *Question:*
> I had a conversation with my brother a few days ago, and had a question for him. He's on his second marriage and it seems pretty solid after 10 years. He dated a few women before marrying the second. It's obvious that I'm working on myself and trying to do the right thing. But my question was, "How long do you think it would really take to truly get over a wife or woman?" And he said, "It wont completely end until you have feelings for another. Whether it's 10 months, 10 years, but not until then."
> I would really like everyone's thoughts on this.


That would be up to the person, I would think. Some people, by the time the judge's gavel hits the bench are already on the market. Others take longer to grieve the death of the relationship. I think a good measure is your temptation to talk about the past with your dates. If you can refrain from that, you're probably ready to date. If she is still your focus and you can't help but talk about her, you're probably not quite ready.


----------



## MrBigBoy

UAArchangel said:


> That would be up to the person, I would think. Some people, by the time the judge's gavel hits the bench are already on the market. Others take longer to grieve the death of the relationship. I think a good measure is your temptation to talk about the past with your dates. If you can refrain from that, you're probably ready to date. If she is still your focus and you can't help but talk about her, you're probably not quite ready.


But what were your personal experiences with this? Did you gain feelings for someone else after getting divorce, and if so how over with your spouse were you?


----------



## Openminded

MrBigBoy said:


> I understand that.


Then hopefully you understand that this is a process with rules for how things are done. There’s no sliding things under the radar. The two of you either agree on division of assets and debt or you don’t and if you don’t then you accept a third-party making the decision for you. That’s it.


----------



## Personal

MrBigBoy said:


> But what were your personal experiences with this? Did you gain feelings for someone else after getting divorce, and if so how over with your spouse were you?


I had feelings for plenty of women, while I was stuck in the limbo land of having to be legally separated for 12 months before I could divorce. So I started dating and sharing sex with different women, sometime between 2-3 months of my ex-wife and I splitting up.

As to getting over being with my ex-wife. My feelings towards her, over her betrayal, combined with sharing lots of fun and sex with different women helped that along quite nicely.


----------



## UAArchangel

MrBigBoy said:


> But what were your personal experiences with this? Did you gain feelings for someone else after getting divorce, and if so how over with your spouse were you?


I am the type of person to forget that people, who leave my life, exist. Any memories I ruminate on are kept internally and not shared with anybody. If I am in the company of another person, previous relationships do not exist, for all intents and purposes.


----------



## Chuck71

MrBigBoy said:


> *Question:*
> I had a conversation with my brother a few days ago, and had a question for him. He's on his second marriage and it seems pretty solid after 10 years. He dated a few women before marrying the second. It's obvious that I'm working on myself and trying to do the right thing. But my question was, "How long do you think it would really take to truly get over a wife or woman?" And he said, "It wont completely end until you have feelings for another. Whether it's 10 months, 10 years, but not until then."
> I would really like everyone's thoughts on this.


There is a measure of truth to what your brother said. Is it a major transition after 30 years

and two kids, of course. You can never "completely forget about her." But what made it easy 

for me was, I tried everything to save the M. She wanted the D, walked out on me... ultimate

betrayal. That is why after a couple weeks away from her when she finally came home, I was

110% done. When you've left everything on the field....that's all you can do. Your life will go on...

without her.


----------



## MrBigBoy

UAArchangel said:


> I am the type of person to forget that people, who leave my life, exist. Any memories I ruminate on are kept internally and not shared with anybody. If I am in the company of another person, previous relationships do not exist, for all intents and purposes.


I feel you and understand. What I'm asking is pretty tough, but if you could tap into it for educational purposes and let me know would be appreciated, but if you can't I totally understand.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Chuck71 said:


> There is a measure of truth to what your brother said. Is it a major transition after 30 years
> 
> and two kids, of course. You can never "completely forget about her." But what made it easy
> 
> for me was, I tried everything to save the M. She wanted the D, walked out on me... ultimate
> 
> betrayal. That is why after a couple weeks away from her when she finally came home, I was
> 
> 110% done. When you've left everything on the field....that's all you can do. Your life will go on...
> 
> without her.


Thanks I appreciate that.


----------



## MrBigBoy

Anyone familiar with this question(question #15)?


----------



## Jimi007

@MrBigBoy ... Did you ever find out if your wife left you for someone else ?

Or the exact reason she left ?

Sorry if you have already answered this , if you did I missed it


----------



## MrBigBoy

Jimi007 said:


> @MrBigBoy ... Did you ever find out if your wife left you for someone else ?
> 
> Or the exact reason she left ?
> 
> Sorry if you have already answered this , if you did I missed it


No problem. She never admitted to cheating at all. As far as I know she's not physically seeing anyone. My brother(and his wife) bumped into her recently and they hugged and exchanged, "I love yous", etc. She told me that her sisters asked why she was there and away from me, and she told me that she told them that she did not want or plan to divorce me. She refused to give me any ideas of how long this could go on and sounded really uncooperative so I decided, like the guys here, that I should divorce her. Also, she did text me that she completed her dental assistant class awhile back, I text congratulations(she mentioned how much that meant to her, me congratulating her) and she text a pic of her holding her diploma. My brother agreed to take pictures for evidence, once he finds her whereabouts. But as far as her telling me an actual concrete reason? No, she has not. Not directly. 
On my end? I would admit that I did lose my masculine energy, or frame. I think women will naturally challenge a man, it's their nature I think. We should expect this from them. I know I eventually failed the test. I think I eventually, gradually repositioned myself out of position, out of my masculine frame. So regardless of this outcome I'm focusing on me.


----------



## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> If I met a woman that had her ex's last name I would dump her,...afterwards.
> I'm just saying.


Huh?

WTF!

My, aren't you the righteous one!

NOT!

Look in the mirror!

Grow up!


----------



## MrBigBoy

SunCMars said:


> Huh?
> 
> WTF!
> 
> My, aren't you the righteous one!
> 
> NOT!
> 
> Look in the mirror!
> 
> Grow up!


I'm working on my manframe not righteousframe.


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## SunCMars

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm working on my manframe not righteousframe.


Expand _your_ frame BigBoy!

Not, your waistline.
Your' frame of reference.

We are all in this hodgepodge stew, together.
Think bigger!

Stink less.


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## MrBigBoy

SunCMars said:


> Expand _your_ frame BigBoy!
> 
> Not, your waistline.
> Your' frame of reference.
> 
> We are all in this hodgepodge stew, together.
> Think bigger!
> 
> Stink less.


Mr. BigBoy.


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## ArthurGPym

The way back to manhood is to stop dawdling and take decisive action. 

And .... STOP TALKING TO HER!!!!!


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## Chuck71

Knowing and implementing are two different scenarios........ until OP understands that............


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