# Lost



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have been married for almost 10 years in November. My husband and I have been seperated now for almost 3 weeks. We have two great daughters (7 & 4). We have put our relationship behind our jobs and school and kids and sports. Neither one of us was happy but not misrable. We are trying to find our way back to one another. I have to say that I have some doubts, I feel like I want it more then he does. I am not really sure what is to expect. I feel like if I give it my all he will not want to come home where he belongs but if I dont give it my all he will know and not want to come home. He is not happy and not sure what would make him happy. He wants to work on our marriage but not sure if he is just waiting for me to give up. I have no idea what to expect or how to handle this. I feel like no one understands whats going on. He is such a private person that he has a hard time talking to me. We went to 1 therapist just 1 time and that was it. I need some direction and words of wisdon. Are there any seperated couples that went back to there marriage and made it work?

Thanks


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

lee,

Many separated couples go back to each other and make it work, but most separations end in divorce.

The reason most separations end in divorce is that most separations are initiated by a spouse who has checked out of the marriage already and is either having an affair or actively looking to 'upgrade'. Ironically, the 'dumped' spouse usually ends up being the happier one who doesn't regret the divorce (cleaner conscious)

In your case, there's very little detail provided, so it's hard to make suggestions.

In any case, you can't control or force your husband's actions or thoughts. You need to learn to be the best you could possibly be (given the circumstances). That's usually achieved by doing lots of reading, thinking and attending Individual Counseling sessions.

I have a list of things that I call "Synthetic's 10 Commandments". They're meant for 'left behind' men whose wives have walked away from the marriage in a selfish way. A few of those commandments are useful for anyone who is going through a separation.

Here are those few:


5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible. Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.


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