# Almost a year post-dday



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

My WH cheated on me with multiple single OWs two years ago (all short PAs). I found out almost a year ago. (Caught, not confessed.) 

We have been reconciling. For the first several months it was really rough. In the past couple of months, he has "gotten it" and our relationship has improved 100%. We are really in love with and in tune with each other again for the first time in far too long.

There is still a big problem, though. 

During our relationship pre-marriage and for the first few years of marriage we were really, really sexually active. 

Then about 2.5 years ago, our sex life began to drop way, way off. I remember getting upset about it, wanting more, trying to initiate, then giving up. On one occasion after I'd started to give up, I said, "I don't know why I'm putting myself through this {side effects from taking birth control}, it's not like you want to have sex with me anyway," and then on our wedding anniversary after we'd dropped to having sex maybe once every three months, I made a similar remark. I do feel guilty for saying those things 

Anyway, about 20 months ago, right around the time he started cheating, was the last time we had sex, *period*. I mean that literally. We have had sex exactly zero times in the past 20 months. And that's certainly not for lack of trying on my part.

I have given lots of BJs in that time period, which I enjoy doing. He reciprocated until about 18 months ago. I continued giving BJs for a while to satisfy my own sexual appetite to a degree, up until probably two months ago. 

In fact, after d-day, I was going down on him, like, daily, trying to meet my desperate need for hyperbonding.

WH is depressed and is seeking treatment and is hoping to start a new anti-depressant that supposedly preserves sex drive in the next 6 weeks.

This is thrilling to me, to say the least, but...... I had a wet dream last night, and it transitioned somehow into a dream of him having sex with one of the OW. I know explicit details of what happened with this OW, and as the dream ended I thought to myself - now, at more than a year post-d day, how can I even begin to reclaim my sex life?? How can I feel like he's "mine" again?? 

This is bumming me out. He is kind, attentive, affectionate, remorseful, everything I could ask for. I just wish the sexual aspect of this wasn't so painful.

I also kind of feel like I'm being selfish. I know he is depressed and that is beyond his control.

Then another part of me feels like there is no way a pill will fix this, especially after it's been engrained as a pattern for two years. 

I don't know. I just needed somewhere to express my feelings about this


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am truly sorry to hear of your ordeal, but emotionally and the lack of physicals-ness in your marriage. Has he been to the doctors to rule out low - T (Testosterone), it is more common then you think in men...perhaps it is more psychological issue there and even with low T he still may have psychological issues to content with, but first rule out the easy stuff.Good Luck.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Xenote said:


> i am truly sorry to hear of your ordeal, but emotionally and the lack of physicals-ness in your marriage. Has he been to the doctors to rule out low - T (Testosterone), it is more common then you think in men...perhaps it is more psychological issue there and even with low T he still may have psychological issues to content with, but first rule out the easy stuff.Good Luck.


Thank you for your reply & support! His hormones are all normal. I guess that is a good thing - less complicated fix?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you and your H opened up to each other on some of the thoughts you expressed? Does he know how you feel about the lack of sex? What is he trying to do to help? There are many things that he could do, but I am trying not to get too specific in this area.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> Have you and your H opened up to each other on some of the thoughts you expressed? Does he know how you feel about the lack of sex? What is he trying to do to help? There are many things that he could do, but I am trying not to get too specific in this area.


Hi! 

We have opened up somewhat. That's how I know this is a product of his depression, and also a result of his (in his own words) "screwed-up power thing." (He enjoys making OW want him; that's what he really gets off on.) 

I haven't told him about my fears in terms of reclaiming my sex life... or about the fact that I am afraid it is never going to happen again... I have only briefly mentioned (and not recently) how flipping angry I am that he gave away such a limited commodity (sex) to OW. 

I don't want him to acquire any hang-ups in the sex department because I feel like it's going to be difficult to re-start anyway.

He knows there are other things he can do to me... and he did those, up until maybe 15-18 months ago. He had surgery like 3 years ago that makes it painful for him to do that kind of stuff.

This is just so hard. I can't believe it still hasn't happened and I'm really scared that I'll feel this way in January 2015, and January 2016, etc.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Well, he has been researching intensely and decided that he doesn't like or want to experience certain side effects that can be experienced from the antidepressant he was interested in. (He has a background in chemistry and pharmacology, so he did research this very in-depth.) 

So, I guess I have no need to worry about how to take back my sexual 'identity,' reclaim my sex life without feeling like I'm being compared to OWs, etc.

I feel selfish for wanting him to treat the depression so that we can solve this issue. Then sometimes I wonder if the depression really is the issue, or if he just needs *new* sex, not *marriage* sex, or if after being with the really petite, skinny, big-boob-having OWs, his 'type' has changed too dramatically for him to feel attracted to me. Maybe there's a madonna/'prostitute' complex, maybe there is some other kind of intimacy disorder. 

I'm just kind of feeling like... what is preventing this sexless period from going on for another 2, 4, 6, 8 years at this point? 

I love him so much and I think we are really good together. I just miss having sex with him.


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