# Lonely



## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Unsure where to begin as I've posted before and I feel like I'm going over the same old story.

We've been married 20 years and we get on fine at the moment but he doesn't seem to want me sexually. For the last 6 months on and off I've put vars about the house and found he was on some sort of chat/porn sites. I haven't heard anything for months after I spoke with him before Christmas saying I wouldn't put up with it. He said consider it done, when I said I didn't want this in the house, we've not spoke of it since. 

My h is 56 I'm 55 I feel like I'm his housekeeper not wife/lover.
We don't talk about us and my husband doesn't drag up old stuff, it goes under the carpet which I thought I'd be able to do. The past is the past to my h.

If we drifted too much before and can't be bothered to have a relationship with me why doesn't he go.

I don't initiate sex I think I would be hurt from rejection. When reading other posts I wonder if he is using the 180 on me.

Thing is, I'm making myself a prisoner because I've told myself if I find him on the sites again our marriage is over.

When speaking to my friend she says if he won't talk I probably have two choices, leave the marriage or put up and shut up. 

Any ideas from anyone would be much appreciated.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

YOU do the 180. Do it for you. 

I'd talk to him one more time, ask WHY do we not make love any more? Don't ya miss it? Is there something I can do to make it more inviting? Let him know that you have needs, a need for intimacy and a need for sex .....just put it out there. 

If that doesn't work.... 180.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks sunny

I have tried in the part and we get on fine when we are just housemates but if I try to speak about us it mostly went to an argument.

I will try again, thanks.


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## funnybunny29 (Apr 1, 2014)

Is he willing to go to MC?

How much do you guys spend together?

Have you read His Needs Her Needs?


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

So sorry Rosey. I would hope you'd be willing to get counseling before you just throw in the towel. Divorce is so very painful, I hope you don't have to endure that on top of what you've been facing already. I think many people don't see porn usage as an addiction, they just think of it as a vice maybe, but it's more than that. Your husband may want to stop, but may need help doing so, and having the possibility of divorce on the table may push him to do whatever is necessary to get the help he needs. Have you thought of asking him to see a counselor who has a background in sexual addictions? The other thing that struck me about your post is that you don't initiate sex. Some guys really want their wives to be the initiator. Is it possible he feels you don't want HIM, and he's searching elsewhere for gratification? I wish you the very best my friend, and pray you can find resolution without having to divorce. HUGS and blessings to you!

~ Seek the Light ~


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Rosey said:


> I don't initiate sex I think I would be hurt from rejection. When reading other posts I wonder if he is using the 180 on me.
> 
> .


just how hurt can you get if he turns you down....again? I just do not understand people who say "I get no sex and am not happy" then they say "oh I can't initiate!"

Put on some sexy lingerie....sit down on the couch next to him, and start rubbing his Johnson. Come on, you've been married how long? Just dive in and see what happens.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rosey, how long has your marriage been sexless?

How long ago was the last time that you tried to initiate sex?

How long ago was the last time that you tried to talk to him about the issue of a sexless marriage.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> just how hurt can you get if he turns you down....again? I just do not understand people who say "I get no sex and am not happy" then they say "oh I can't initiate!"
> 
> Put on some sexy lingerie....sit down on the couch next to him, and start rubbing his Johnson. Come on, you've been married how long? Just dive in and see what happens.


It just sucks... the one person on Earth that you are "allowed" to have sex with, just won't. You don't WANT to get turned down again, you don't WANT him to laugh at you, you get tired of thinking "how can he say he loves me, yet doesn't want to make love?", you get tired of doubting yourself "what's wrong with me that he won't have sex with me?" ..... and on, and on. Do this for years.... and it wears you down. When you rub on him blatantly he says, "What are you doing? Can't you see I'm busy?" And even if he "gives in", he makes it like he is doing you a favor. 

God, I don't miss THAT! 

It's almost not worth fighting about..... I get that. The fighting isn't conducive to making love anyway. 

That's why you do the 180 for YOU. Partly so his rejection doesn't affect you too much, less and less as time goes on. And partly just to make yourself a better, stronger, self-satisfied person.... no matter what his issues are. It's so YOU can feel ok, in spite of whatever isn't working in the relationship. It MAY have a positive effect on him, and maybe he'll come sniffing around, but then it's YOUR choice whether any initiation from him works for you or not. So you may or may not get the sex you want.... but you will feel ok with YOUR decisions one way or another. 

Make it about you.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks. We've never been lovey dovey but I think since the change I've changed. More emotional, loving. I want to be close to him. Maybe I want a storybook romance but if do I want it with my husband. 

Perhaps I pushed us too far. Not sure. We was getting on so well but I mentioned that he treated me like one of the porn films. Like a piece of meat. He was upset by this. He didn't say as he doesn't but he slept on sofa until I told him to come to bed. We was fine the next morning and didn't mention anything. He also said I'm not sexual. 
We haven't had sex since December.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Since December, how many times have you initiated sex or simply got on your knees and did your thing OP?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Rosey said:


> When speaking to my friend she says if he won't talk I probably have two choices, leave the marriage or put up and shut up.


I vote for Option #1.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

DoF said:


> Since December, how many times have you initiated sex or simply got on your knees and did your thing OP?


None really, I'm ashamed to say. I didn't want him to think I was trying. He told me not to try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rosey said:


> None really, I'm ashamed to say. I didn't want him to think I was trying. He told me not to try.


Am I understanding this right?

Your husband basically told you that even though you wanted sex with him, he did not want sex with you? And he also told you to not try (meaning to not initiate)?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Rosey said:


> None really, I'm ashamed to say. I didn't want him to think I was trying. He told me not to try.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you took 0 action yet you expect him to take action?

It takes 2 to tango. Least you can do is to show him how important it is to you that he is happy and satisfied in the intimacy department.

To us man, wife that doesn't care about our sexual needs = wife that doesn't care about us all together.



Do your 50% and hope that in time he will take care of your needs/desires as well. I think he should and WILL do it in time.

You should be on your knees AT LEAST once a week.

Once you take care of your 50% on that end, it's time to start making sure he will hold up his end of the deal in the areas that he has been lacking (sex, companionship or any other concerns you have in the relationship).


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Rosey said:


> We've been married 20 years and we get on fine at the moment but he doesn't seem to want me sexually. For the last 6 months on and off I've put vars about the house and found he was on some sort of chat/porn sites.


I haven't read your other posts.

Sadly, the needier you behave, the less he will respond to you. I think your best bet would be to focus on things that you like to do, and stop considering your relationship as a priority. This is obviously easier said than done.

From what I read in your posts, it sound like he doesn't really care if he loses you or not. Given that, you can only hope that he'll come around and if he doesn't you'll be better off without him, because it sounds like the situation is making you very unhappy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Let's see. Her husband told her that he does not want sex with her 6 months ago. He told her to not even try to get him to have sex with her.

So the solution is for her to give him bj's? For her to accept a one sided sex life servicing him? 

Wow... I've never heard any man on this forum told that the way to get his wife who is rejecting him to have sex with him is to give her one sided oral sex indefinitely until she comes around.

Nope, what is usually suggested is that he file for divorce.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

I sound like a callous woman, I'm not. 

We split up for a week last July over fb msgs I found of his, he stormed out we reconciled a week later but didn't talk about it.

I did make an effort, nice clothes make up and we had sex about 3 times between July and December. We was getting on great except no sex even when we went on holiday, I dressed to impress but it didn't .

That's when I used the var and found another woman talking in my bedroom but it was on line and it didn't make sense. I also found he was looking at sex videos not sure if one to one didn't hear a sexual conversation. But I was shocked. 

A few weeks later after he denied he looked at those and asked me what sort of person I thought he was. I told him if he wanted to save our marriage no more porn in the house or whatever he was looking at, speaking to. He said consider it done but I had var on a few weeks later when I was shopping and he was saying, your gorgeous but beautiful. There was no one in the house so it must have been video or something on his phone.
Or iPad.

So I am here, getting on well enough for room mates and housekeeper but no wifely duties, unfortunately. Not sure when he's getting his kicks but he must be sometime he hasn't with me for nearly seven months.

When I've tried to talk to him and said I'm trying but it tKes two he says stop trying. We don't talk about us. So hence I shut up and put up or walk, which I don't want to do. He won't go to councelling, I've had councelling but just told we need to talk and that's not going to happen. 

I've bought that many self help books I'm pathetic.

He's a lovely guy, he used to fish every weekend from Friday when he finished work till Sunday dinner then sleep for a few hours before dinner. I went to my dads and friends and did the housework, I was a modern wife, not clingy and if that's what he wanted to do ok by me. I then had a man after me and we became friends and one thing led to another.

My h knew without me telling him and when it came out in the open he wondered why he didn't say anything. I'm ashamed of what I did, it didn't last for long but my h retaliated by flirting with women on fb and I think he went to someone for sex of fb.

That was about six years ago, we've never spoke of it since. Except when I found the emails and went ballistic. I never got an explanation except that he said I was a slag and I told him I didn't want to see him ever again,he was the pits.

But everything is going well at the moment except for the sex. Maybe that's me or him, I'm now on anti depressants but on the surface fine just feel like a swan, calm and seren on top and pedalling like fury underneath. 

Thanks for taking the time out to respond.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Omego said:


> I haven't read your other posts.
> 
> Sadly, the needier you behave, the less he will respond to you. I think your best bet would be to focus on things that you like to do, and stop considering your relationship as a priority. This is obviously easier said than done.
> 
> From what I read in your posts, it sound like he doesn't really care if he loses you or not. Given that, you can only hope that he'll come around and if he doesn't you'll be better off without him, because it sounds like the situation is making you very unhappy.


Know what you mean about needy behaviour that's why I've just carried on life like all in the world is fine. I think he loves me as much as he can love a person, but we've never been hearts and flowers and I've only got more emotional, compassionate and loving since the change and I like it. 
I'm ok most days but I know I've changed and I'm not sure why he doesn't want me unless he has someone else but my var says not. And he's never anywhere he shouldn't be, I can account for all his time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Let's see. Her husband told her that he does not want sex with her 6 months ago. He told her to not even try to get him to have sex with her.
> 
> So the solution is for her to give him bj's? For her to accept a one sided sex life servicing him?
> 
> ...


I'm not saying this is the solution.

I'm saying this is part of the problem.

And only advising OP to cover her end of the relationship.

What he told her is certainly a BIG concern. And if she tries and gets rejected.....well, it's a confirmation that he has 0 sexual desire towards her and it's time to walk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> I'm not saying this is the solution.
> 
> I'm saying this is part of the problem.
> 
> ...


She has already tried and was rejected. He told her not to try again.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Let's see. Her husband told her that he does not want sex with her 6 months ago. He told her to not even try to get him to have sex with her.
> 
> So the solution is for her to give him bj's? For her to accept a one sided sex life servicing him?
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > Let's see. Her husband told her that he does not want sex with her 6 months ago. He told her to not even try to get him to have sex with her.
> ...


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Spoke with husband last week and he says he has no urges for anyone, I guess that includes me. He also said it was him, I suggested us going to councillor, doctors and he says no, he doesn't do that, which I know, he deals with his own problems.
He said if iwant sex go find someone else, that hurt.

I'm beginning to see he has always been like this, we get on fine but don't have that close intimacy, I realise we both didn't have that as children and I'm yearning it now as I seem to have changed, perhaps the menopause, not sure but I want cuddles and arms wrapped around me in a big hug sometimes.

Do I end the marriage because I can't have my own way? I really think he loves me as much as he can love someone.

I did say if there is someone else go to them, I don't want to come between his happiness. But I don't think it's that.


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