# I Believe I Have Come Full Circle



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Three years ago, this weekend, I posted after my anniversary "celebration" (it has been deleted because my daughter eventually found it). It was my low point on TAM. I was lost. Married to someone I did not know. Bound and determined I tried to make up for it any way I could. I tried to go all out the following year and she may as well have spit in my face. 

We have had a few discussions about her actions and words on those occasions. She has no recollection of anything that resembles what took place. Those experiences coupled with her general attitude toward me over the last 4 years left me humbled and numb. 

Special occasions are really not special to me any longer. I do not try and I do not care to try. I do not initiate because I really am not interested in ever being rejected again. I cannot remember what we did for our anniversary last year as I am sure it was quite unmemorable. We went out of town to a nondescript destination to just "get away" and that is what it was. 

At dinner on our anniversary she began to bring up our dating history and how our lives together unfolded initially. I sat numbly recalling how I had tried to do the same two years earlier only to have the subject changed abruptly by her. 

I did not sleep that night until about 4 AM. I thought about the past 4 years and the disappointment that I have experienced in that time. I realized I have implemented a good portion of the 180 to shield myself from the pain that I allowed her to inflict for so long. 

At the end of the day I still love her. Not the same way I used to. Not even close. I know to much now. She has said things that cannot be taken back. She allowed friends to influence her, in some cases take precedence and be a wedge in our relationship.

There are other things that I will never know. Red flags that were screaming. It is becoming abundantly clear I must get back in IC to deal with those things or they may be the end of my emotional well being.

I am thankful I found TAM. I cannot imagine where my head would be if I did not. Some would say they know exactly where it is. All that being said I believe I have gleaned as much as I can from this place. Seeing the "new threads" recount the same circumstances over and over with the same responses. The broken record syndrome gets to much to take some time. 

Do not get me wrong. I believe there is much good work done by good people but I also see numerous people who are wounded and never seem to heal because they cannot let this portion of their past go. 

I wish everyone here well. The Mod's, those that helped me along my journey (you are countless), the betrayed and the wayward. Yes both. May you both heal ultimately in a peaceful and honest way.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RClawson said:


> It is becoming abundantly clear I must get back in IC to deal with those things or they may be the end of my emotional well being.


Dealing with things is the only way forward.

Wishing you the best.


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