# Ignored on Mother's Day



## liveandlearn (Mar 19, 2009)

This isn't the first time. Been married almost 15 years (very rocky-all of them) and have been telling him for years when he ignores my birthday or Valentine's Day or Mother's Day, it hurts. I tell him I don't need gifts but we have 2 girls and he could do SOMETHING. Like help the girls make homemade cards for me or let's all go out for a milkshake together or bowling. Instead he ignored me all day and watched tv and played video games as usual. The kitchen piled with dirty dishes he didn't do (though he made new ones!). They're still there. I was sad (and had a headache all day) so I didn't make dinner and he didn't bother to either (never does). I know they all knew what day it was, but he's always modeled for them that it's okay to treat me like I don't mean anything. (Before bed my younger daughter did give me a picture she drew in art class and saved for me.) Am I wrong to be upset that this happens every freaking special day? I'm honestly ready to throw in the towel, I'm just so tired of feeling so empty.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your girls?

I think that you have every right to be hurt that your husband cannot be bothered to acknowledge this day and to teach your children to do so.

My husband was like this when my children were growing up. I felt that I had to teach my children to do things like be thoughtful. So on holidays, mother's day included, I made sure they knew about it and that they had a few bucks to go to the store and buy something who whoever should be getting a little something thoughtful that day.

So, yes the day before mother's day I'd take them to Walmart or a mall, give them some cash and let them go shopping. They would get me things, hide them from me of course. I would also ask them what they wanted to do to celebrate.. usually it was some kind of a special meal and desert. 

Don't wait around in life for someone else to do what you want them to do. Instead make mother's day, your birthday, xmas, and their birthdays special for your kids.

And yes you have to help them get something for their father on father's day, his bday and xmas. You do this because you are the bigger, more classy person.

We teach people how to treat us. So you need to teach your children how to treat you. Do not depend on a selfish man to do this.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

liveandlearn said:


> This isn't the first time. Been married almost 15 years (very rocky-all of them) and have been telling him for years when he ignores my birthday or Valentine's Day or Mother's Day, it hurts. I tell him I don't need gifts but we have 2 girls and he could do SOMETHING. Like help the girls make homemade cards for me or let's all go out for a milkshake together or bowling. Instead he ignored me all day and watched tv and played video games as usual. The kitchen piled with dirty dishes he didn't do (though he made new ones!). They're still there. I was sad (and had a headache all day) so I didn't make dinner and he didn't bother to either (never does). I know they all knew what day it was, but he's always modeled for them that it's okay to treat me like I don't mean anything. (Before bed my younger daughter did give me a picture she drew in art class and saved for me.) Am I wrong to be upset that this happens every freaking special day? I'm honestly ready to throw in the towel, I'm just so tired of feeling so empty.


Forget about him making any effort in future. You can only state your feelings to him on that matter.

Make yourself a priority like I bet you do for your children and husband when its their special days - I bet you go all out for them, am I right? As mothers sometimes we tend to put ourselves last. I've found that I need to say something and warm them up as I have a tendency to downplay my special days too - but then I realised I'm teaching my children and letting my husband think that I'm not important and not worthy of making an effort for.

I think you should start saying things about 2 weeks before the special day and plan to do something really nice with your children (if your husband is still not onboard). Teach them the ways that you love to be honoured, loved and treated on your special day. Especially children, they won't know its a big deal to you if your don't make a big deal out of it.

I would suggest that you sit your children (maybe husband too?) down and say that you want to celebrate a belated Mothers Day and (don't know how old your children are?) how you felt sad that it wasn't acknowledged and you are all going to plan a 're-do' - make it fancy and fun. If you want flowers and a gift and to be taken out for lunch then I think you should say that to them. Otherwise they won't know.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Your damn straight it hurts! You deserve better than that.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

My ex-husband was the exact same way. A card would mean the world to me, and he knew it, but he wouldn't bother. You are justified in how you are feeling. I've been there, and I know it isn't a fun place to be.

That being said, EleGirl is spot on. Take it upon yourself to teach your kids that doing something for someone they love on their special day is important. I have taught my son this as well. In fact, last Friday his school went all out for Mother's Day - all of the mothers in his class were invited for a special treat and a mini-concert. All the kids even made their moms paper corsages and we all got a back massage from our little ones. At the end of it we were handed a flower potted in a pot that the kids each decorated. Incredibly special. Because it was such a big-to-do and he put so much work into everything at school I didn't bother suggesting he do anything more for me. He woke up on Sunday with a big smile on his face, wrapped his little arms around me, and wished me a happy mother's day. Then he started to tear up. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't have time to make me two "presents" he had thought about making me. The fact that he still wanted to do more for me at 6 years old brought me to tears.

My point is - teach them early on how important these days are, and they will not only understand, but they will be excited with ideas for things they can do. These are the times of our lives when memories are made. And not only that, but you're instilling these traditions in them so that one day when they are adults, they'll remember to continue placing importance on important days like this. Although it would be nice if their father participated, don't take ownership for his lack of effort. That's on him. Do what you can to make yourself and your children happy. 

And yes....even on father's day and his birthday the kids should do something for their father. You do it for your kids. Not him.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Every fathers day I ask my wife for a love letter. Have never got one.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Thound said:


> Every fathers day I ask my wife for a love letter. Have never got one.


Asking for something defeats the purpose. They either do it on their own accord or it's meaningless. Having someone you love do something for you without being prompted is what makes it special. I'm sorry you even have to ask for that.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

SoVeryLost said:


> Asking for something defeats the purpose. They either do it on their own accord or it's meaningless. Having someone you love do something for you without being prompted is what makes it special. I'm sorry you even have to ask for that.


Meh. It is what it is. I'm just doing time any way.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thound said:


> Every fathers day I ask my wife for a love letter. Have never got one.


Ouch, that must hurt. And I don't see what is wrong about asking for what you want, how else can our spouse learn more about us?
Honestly your request is such a simple one, I am sorry to hear that your wife doesn't make the effort for you.

Same OP, it really is not a big thing to make or buy a card, to wish them a happy whatever day, to acknowledge them as an important person to us. I hope you can find a way to solve this issue.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

My husband is exactly the same. I have 2 boys now 16 and 14. Apart from the obvious of doing it for me, he should teach the children that this is what you do for your wife!

Things came ahead a few years ago on my 40th birthday when I got nothing at all... not a card , nothing from anyone. 

I have many times over the years had nothing at all for valentine's day. birthdays or Mother's day. He has become a bit better now but believe me I could and probably should have left then.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I have learned not to expect anything on any occasion including Christmas. That way I'm not as disappointed when nothing happens. You can't really miss what you've not had.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Reminds me of Fathers Day last year.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

OP,

That's sad. At least the little girl gave you something. For the next event, why not treat yourself to something nice? Take the girls with you!

It sounds like there are other problems, however, as you say things have been rocky. I hope you can work this out.


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## ToastisBread (May 13, 2014)

Aw, sorry that this keeps happening to you! The way I see it we need to make our feelings and expectations known, I might just discuss with him what it is that you expect and see if he has an resistance. It's one thing to want to do it and forget, another to simply not do such a small thing for someone when it means so much to them.

Same thing over here. It was my first mothers day and I made a point of saying that it was important to me that it was acknowledged somehow: gift, some sort of ritual that doesn't cost anything (we're both very outdoorsy, SO MANY OPTIONS!), not having to take charge for the day, something.

We talked about it during the week prior and how his guy friends at work had asked what he was doing. My brother pointed out that its customary to get something from the child who is too young. So, he obviously had it on his mind and was reminded....

Instead, Saturday he went out ALL day with a friend and I was at home trying to do yardwork with a 4 month old (challenging but I managed to get a fair bit done). I made dinner etc too... Sunday I woke up to my little one very early while he slept and got a simple "Happy Mother's Day" and then we proceeded to celebrate with each of our mothers for lunch and dinner. REALLLY?

:S He kept saying he just couldn't think of anything, and I wouldn't take that as an excuse. Long story short I am now getting a "spa day" and a massage. Still very hurt but I suppose its something...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Reminds me of Fathers Day last year.


I remember your thread from last year, that was pretty crappy! What did you do for Mother's Day this year?

Liveandlearn, 

I bet that hurts tremendously.

Next Mother's Day, tell him a week before that you want him to prepare something for you, with the girls' help, for Mother's Day. Tell the girls that Mother's Day is coming and you hope they have a card or some flowers for you. 

Give your daughters a heads up since your husbands head is clearly in his ass!

It sounds like you have deeper problems that not getting recognized on Mother's Day. This is just one of the annoying symptoms.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

One thing I have never understood is how Mother's Day morfs into Wife's Day. Why do wives expect something from their husbands on Mother's Day. I have to make a big deal for my Mom and my wife and it gets very confusing who the focus should be on. Of course they both want the spot light and it's not big enough for both of them. Shouldn't my wife want to celebrate the day with HER mother??


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> One thing I have never understood is how Mother's Day morfs into Wife's Day. Why do wives expect something from their husbands on Mother's Day. I have to make a big deal for my Mom and my wife and it gets very confusing who the focus should be on. Of course they both want the spot light and it's not big enough for both of them. Shouldn't my wife want to celebrate the day with HER mother??


You focus on your wife because she is the mother of your children. You call your mother, send her flowers, or stop by for a visit. But once you have kids, your wife is the mother of those kids and generally kids don't drive, have money to buy a card or flowers and need help making a pot of coffee.

What does your wife do for Father's Day?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> One thing I have never understood is how Mother's Day morfs into Wife's Day. Why do wives expect something from their husbands on Mother's Day. I have to make a big deal for my Mom and my wife and it gets very confusing who the focus should be on. Of course they both want the spot light and it's not big enough for both of them. Shouldn't my wife want to celebrate the day with HER mother??


Emotions do not necessarily respond to reason, jb. Just do your best to shower attention on both of them.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> You focus on your wife because she is the mother of your children. You call your mother, send her flowers, or stop by for a visit. But once you have kids, your wife is the mother of those kids and generally kids don't drive, have money to buy a card or flowers and need help making a pot of coffee.
> 
> What does your wife do for Father's Day?


Yes, I get all that but shouldn't she go see her Mother? I understand helping with making breakfast for mom cards, flowers ... from the kids, not necessary from me. She's not my mom. All she does for Father's Day is go see her Father. I'm not important at all on that day, so I just go see my Father. It just seems to be just another one of those double standards.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I remember your thread from last year, that was pretty crappy! What did you do for Mother's Day this year?


Believe me, I thought long and hard about whether I should get a little payback or take the high road. At the end of the day, even if I talk that way on here when I'm mad, being vindictive and holding a grudge is just not how I roll. She apologized last June and it's well past time to move past it.

So what did I do? I bought her a pearl pendant necklace. I took her to dinner at El Gaucho (Friday) and brunch (Sunday). I rototilled the garden. The first words of the day were happy mother's day. I gave our kids money to pick out a card and flowers. One little dig, I did not give her a card myself.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

ToastisBread said:


> Same thing over here. It was my first mothers day and I made a point of saying that it was important to me that it was acknowledged somehow: gift, some sort of ritual that doesn't cost anything (we're both very outdoorsy, SO MANY OPTIONS!), not having to take charge for the day, something.
> 
> Sunday I woke up to my little one very early while he slept and got a simple "Happy Mother's Day" and then we proceeded to celebrate with each of our mothers for lunch and dinner. REALLLY?
> 
> :S He kept saying he just couldn't think of anything, and I wouldn't take that as an excuse. Long story short I am now getting a "spa day" and a massage. Still very hurt but I suppose its something...


Oh, this makes me so sad for you. I remember so fondly my first Mother's Day 22 years ago. My husband typically is pretty bad at most gifts (it has almost become a joke and challenge to see if he can get something even worse than previously). But somehow he did that first Mother's Day really well getting me a really nice locket, having it engraved, and getting the right size pictures printed and put in it. I had my locket out this past Sunday reminiscing. 

My husband wasn't home this year (working out of town ) but my youngest 2 kids (14 and 16 year old boys) did well just with making a card, breakfast in bed, and cookies. My two older (away at college) called. That was enough to make me happy!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Yes, I get all that but shouldn't she go see her Mother? I understand helping with making breakfast for mom cards, flowers ... from the kids, not necessary from me. She's not my mom. All she does for Father's Day is go see her Father. I'm not important at all on that day, so I just go see my Father. It just seems to be just another one of those double standards.


It's not at all a double standard. What it is though is an imbalance of care and concern. She ignores the father of her children on Father's Day? Not cool, so don't put up with it. Tell her what you would like from her for Father's Day this year.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Believe me, I thought long and hard about whether I should get a little payback or take the high road. At the end of the day, even if I talk that way on here when I'm mad, being vindictive and holding a grudge is just not how I roll. She apologized last June and it's well past time to move past it.
> 
> So what did I do? I bought her a pearl pendant necklace. I took her to dinner at El Gaucho (Friday) and brunch (Sunday). I rototilled the garden. The first words of the day were happy mother's day. I gave our kids money to pick out a card and flowers. One little dig, I did not give her a card myself.


Good, I'm glad to know you weren't vindictive! I'm sure she is planning something nice for you this year.

I tilled my veggie patch in march but Sunday and yesterday I tilled the back part of the yard where we lost a bunch of trees over the winter. My new wild flower/cutting garden! Can't wait! I wish I had the strength I used to have, could have gotten the job done in 1/2 day!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Things are he same at my house OP. This year my girls helped me make chocolate covered strawberries for my mom and the three of us gave them to her. At least I can teach them to show appreciation if my H won't. And we got to help her eat them


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I used to help my daughters make morning brunch, get a card and flowers for their mom. It was never returned but I enjoyed helping my kids plan and do that stuff. Now I just make even a bigger fuss over my own mother


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