# Unfounded Trust Issues. Help Please.



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

For those of you who have clicked on my thread, thank you for reading  This might be a little long but I am trying to share all the necessary details. 
I have been married for going on 6 months, I am 28 and husband is 25. We had a very, very short courtship but felt and still feel we are each other's soul mates. There is a lot of love in my household but a few nagging issues which have led me to have trust issues, unfounded really.
A month after we were married my husband and I decided to take over a family heirloom... aka his family has owned a strip club for the past 20 years. After his grandfathers retirement they have had various managers in the strip club all whom have fallen prey to the "habits" that such an environment produces. The club pays for his grandfather's care and we decided to step in as I had my own business in the past. For about a month things were going ok, but as he spent more time there than I (I have a full time job working for a software company), I began to have fears of him cheating which I expressed to him. On New Year's Eve he took his first night off from working and had one of his employees manage the club so we could attend a BUNCO event at my family's house. During the car ride to the party he was texting with one of the girls and I looked over his shoulder to see the text and all I saw was "miss you." There was more to the text but he clicked off of it and deleted it. I asked him what it said and he said "we miss you" meaning the girls at the club. I said, "Why did you delete it?" He said because he thought I would get mad. Well this made me suspicious and a few days later I went through his phone records. I noticed that he had been texting quite a bit with the same employee and felt this was proof something was going on. This ended in a huge fight and while he said it was all business, he vowed to quit with the majority of the texting as it bothered me. The texts stopped for the most part and she did end up sending him one text msg that he hid from me but I found out about... again, he didn't tell me right away because of my "issues." After that there were no more issues with her.
There was one more instance of which I deemed an inappropriate text message with a "prospect" employee. Mind you these girls tend to need a lot of attention and coaxing. We were short on girls and she had auditioned at the club but didn't know if she wanted to work. He said the following text was in an effort to coddle her to work for us... this text was not hid from me but I thought it was "shady." Her texts are in bold.

*Hey it’s Jordan. Sorry I haven’t come in. I was detained for a little. I can’t get my dancing license until the 7th. *

Detained? Please do tell! And while the 7th seems so far away, im sure time will fly. You should send me a picture of yourself.

*Ha ha I’m sure it will. What type of picture?*

Well I must say I AM pretty anxious to see what you’ll look like on stage. 

*Well that one your just going to have to wait on. *

*If that’s ok of course. I mean if you need it for work.*

Well, I do like to keep at least one of each of the girls on file.

*Okay, Ill get it to you soon.*

Thanks. 


This whole situation continued to eat at me and a month later I began going through his email. I found a dating profile had been created with our current information, but no photo. He said one of his friends must have done it but this didn't jive with me. I wanted to believe him so I tried my best to put it on the back burner. A few weeks later he confronts me with knowledge that he knows I lied about my past.. I had a few male "friends" whom I had slept with prior to us ever having a relationship. This had happened years ago, I deemed the information irrelevant and said I had no past with them (he had met a few of them as we ran into them at a football game). He found out and told me he had created the dating profile as some sort of retaliation, he realized it was immature but he was so hurt I had lied to him. 
While I believed his story I put spyware on his computer to see what he is up to when I am not around. On 2-3 ocassions I found him looking at pictures of models and some bikini girl videos on youtube. This added to any insecurity I had and made me feel like I am not enough. On a side note, I am a figure competitor and in great shape so while I am not jealous of them it made me wonder why he is even looking when he has me. I ended up confronting him with this and he apologized saying he was "curious" and would never do it again since it made me feel bad which he hasn't. 
All this ended up in him selling the club since he felt it was the cause of our relationship issues and never going to sites where half-naked women could be seen. He also has given me access to his phone, email and told me to keep the spyware on his computer if it makes me feel better. He always answers his phone when I call and we are both of the belief system girls and guys nights out should not happen, opposite sex friends are far and few between and should we have any we never hang out with them alone. We spend all of our time together unless we are working etc.
Even with all these changes I can't get over my trust issues. The other day he was 20 min late getting home and it just drove my mind crazy... we ended up getting in a huge fight about my trust issues. The very next day I left for the gym earlier than him so we could be done at the same time (I had a much longer workout), I thought he was leaving right after me and he came 35 min later. This caused another huge fight... he was under the impression I wanted him to leave later so we could be done at the same time and I thought he was leaving shortly after me. Earlier in the week we were also going to the gym together and he said he was sore and didn't want to go so I ended up going alone... this made me "think" since we always go to the gym together. I checked his odometer before I left, rushed through my workout and came home earlier than expected. When I got home his odometer was the same and he was on the couch talking to a friend of his (male). I felt dumb for thinking he was going to do something...
I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I am suspicious of everything and he feels that while some of the things he has done were "questionable" he never cheated, never intended to cheat, some of it was immaturity, loves me and only me and the punishment does not fit the crime. He says my trust hurts him because it means I think he is the type of man who would cheat on me. He had some trust issues with me after finding out about me lying about my "friends" I had slept with, but put his fears to rest. He can't understand why I am not doing the same. 
Aside from all that we do love each other very much... we have a great sex life, spend all our time together, buy each other flowers, write love letters, he is great in helping with the house, we spend a lot of time with family, talk all the time and are even planning a second wedding (we had a quick court room type of scenario). 
Am I nuts? Was what he did wrong? Does the punishment not fit? Any insight that can be given would be much appreciated.


----------



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Anybody? Ughhh this is either too long and/or that ridiculous.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I don't think it's redculous. I think this happens quite a lot, actually. Things can be misinterpeted, and then the imagination can run wild.

From what you have said, your husband has been pretty decent about the whole thing. That should be reassuring.

I know it's easy to kind of obsess and look for signs of suspicious behavior. The problem you're going to have is, this behavior (like thw whole odometer thing) is going to damage your relationship.

A lot of men dream of owning a strip club (lol) and your husband sold it, for you. 

Communication is very important. Spend quality time with your husband. I think when you're in this type of mindset, it's really easy to let the suspicions take over and to not aknowledge what he's doing to show you he loves you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sit down one hour each week and talk about your marriage. The rest of the week, let it slide. Or you'll drive him away.


----------



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you for the replies. 
I mean was creating the dating profile wrong or deleting of the texts? I just can't imagine doing that to him and have a hard time understanding how he thought that was "ok." Plus I think the text with that girl and looking at chicks online is wrong. I guess everyone is prone to making mistakes though.
Well, I don't think it was either of our dream to own a strip club. Initially I was more excited than him since I had wanted to own another business for a long time. To those men our there that think it's a great idea... stip clubs are better to visit. Nobody wants to deal with the drama that comes with it on a daily basis.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My guess is that marriage with you didn't turn out to be as fun as he thought, so he started wandering. When you called him out on it, he thought about it, and realized he DID want to be married to you, and has changed focus.


----------



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Wow, that's kind of hard to hear especially after only 2 months of marriage. Could be possible though. I guess I just took his reasoning at face value... aka, he created the dating profile as an act of retalliation.


----------

