# I just can't get over the infidelity, please advise.



## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Please help,

I am having great trouble getting over the fact that my wife cheated on me about 2 years ago. 

We have been separated now for about 8 months and my wife desperately wants me back but I don't want to repeat the same mistakes of the past (our relationship deteriorated terribly and effected my physical and mental health - and my wives although she is alot more resilient than me). 

At the same time she wants me to make the decision - that I move back on and work on things or divorce. She can't make it but wants me to. I don't know why I can't, I am too frightened to move back in because I don't want my mental health to deteriorate but something makes me hold on - I don't know if I love her but I can't seem to just say bye. 

It is taking a toll on both of us because whenever we talk about it when we meet up for a movie or coffee or on the phone, I break down in tears and it hurts as both emotionally. 

It is taking it's toll, she feels guilty sometimes and other times she defends her actions. It is so emotionally painful I really need some more advice.

So my wife cheated on me with a friend of hers - she lied to me about it for about 1 and a bit years, I had to press her and use psychology for her to eventually tell me the truth. She was visiting this bloke every night and doing alot of favors for him like one night she drove him to the next city (about 400 kilometers away, is that about 200 miles?) and back again in one night so he could pick up his new dog. They went out drinking and I trusted her. She said nothing was happening.

So all I got her to admit to a year later was that she gave him a hand job. She defended it saying that it wasn't real sex but it WAS. She kept defending herself and that hurt. She said nothing else happened - until I accidentally found her facebook open to their private message page on the computer and I find out that she lent him 10 thousand dollars for a new motorbike! He was a felon and smashed the bike and had already lost his license - my wife knew he had no license when she lent him the money for the new bike. I asked her to see if she would come clean without directly letting her know that I knew to see if she would lie or tell the truth. She lied, until I told her I knew. I moved out about 2 weeks later when one day we had a big fight and she told me to get out of "Her house". I did and we have been separated for 8 months. Oh yeah and he has never payed a CENT back to her, and just told her he never will and it was her stupid fault for lending the money.

She wants me back and keeps apologizing. I said why do you even want me back when for 2 years we had sex 3 times and did not enjoy each others company??? Why?? She says it is because she loves me. I know she feels incredibly guilty and it hurts her. Sometimes she tries to defend her actions to boost her destroyed self esteem and that hurts me when that happens. When I bring it up it hurts us both.

I just can't seem to get over it. WHY?? I feel like I will get some closure if she takes legal action to recover the money but she won't, she just wants to leave it be. What hurts me is that I think if she lent him that money then she must of LOVED him. LOVED him. I wonder what else she isn't telling me. 

I have trouble forgiving and forgetting. I cannot move on, I cannot give her a concrete discussion because I am scared for the future. I cannot say stay or go. Why? Why can't SHE make the decision, she says her decision is that she loves me and she will do whatever it takes to get me back. Will it work, history says no but she says we can start anew. 

Please help me, I am so confused and I am stuck in limbo. There is a bit more to the story - I suffer from OCD which makes things a bit harder. Any advise would be so appreciated.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The trouble is she has never really given you full disclosure of what happened. Do you really believe the HJ only. So you do not no where to start. It also sounds like you have not seen an MC. 

Also you have no idea how deep this went. Did you expose the A? You have treat this like it is happening now. You did nothing to try to decide to D or R. Try an MC you both go and see where you go from there. 

Also no BS here, She has to tell you everything. Let us be honest you know that it was more then she says.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you can't forgive, you can't forgive. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Some people can, some people can't.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Polygraph if you are not sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Shes lying to you bro, and I know quite a bit about mental health deterioration through my own experiences.

She may be guilty, but guilt is not remorse. 

We do plenty of things frequently we feel guilty about but still continue to do them.(like she will when she cheats again)

What you need is remorse, and remorse is not anywhere in your relationship. 

She still hasn't even accepted her error. You said yourself its pretty much a coin toss whether she owns up or blameshifts the affair so she is definitely not remorseful.

Remorse isn't a boatload of tears, its not numerous apologies and vows not to do it again. 

Remorse is a change that can only be seen after many months, and most likely years. 

She is not remorseful, and from reading your story, this is harsh, you don't have the steel in you to take her to task. 

For the most part, the only way for a marriage to recover from infidelity is when the BS goes hard on the WS, and holds them accountable. To let them know that they WILL NOT be blamed for the affair and will not accept anything less than the ultimatums demanded. 

From what I read, you don't have that in you. So combine that with an unremorseful spouse makes divorce the best course to take. 

And you have to man up. Stuff like crying at mere mention of the affair. It makes you weak, and very unattractive to her. And any woman would find that to be unattractive as well. 

I advise you man up as best you can, and file for your own health and sanity. 

I tried false R, and I lost both of them until I gave her the boot.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You know in your heart that she is not the woman for you. She knows it too. 

What brought the two of you together in the first place?

I find it difficult to believe that a woman who loves her husband has sex 1.5 times a year but gives her OM thousands of dollars for a fun toy and hand jobs at his request. She likes the "bad boys" - you are not one. You are a "safe boy" and she'll settle for that until the next 'bad boy' winks at her. 

Tell her to keep her house. You'll keep your dignity.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

800 kilometers round trip for just a hand job and 10 grand just for the chuckles, huh?

Mmmmm yeah


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your internal battle is between your heart and your brain. Sounds like your brain is fighting tooth and nail to stop your heart from letting you do something stupid. 

Hearts can be reckless, because they can heal. Sometimes the brain can't. It's trying to protect you. 

Listen to your brain.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You are such a good man to even try to keep communication with her. You are convenient for her. Isn't that true about WSs, they know our weaknesses and vulnerabilities and take advantage of them, including our good will and trusting natures. It takes a great deal of compartmentalizing and cruelty to do that to a person. You need to fully let her go. You already have in many ways but she is manipulating you. You need to do the 180 and cut her off. She is insincere and doesn't deserve your time, not one iota. It's time to take the bull by the horns and make the repayment of the 10K she took behind your back, part of the divorce settlement. You have OCD but she is a psychopath. You are way ahead of her but you don't know it. She won't file because she prefers to trifle with your confidence and play games since you are her bread and butter I bet.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Typical. Wife goes off and bangs the "bad boy". 

Don't mean to be harsh bro, but women don't give $10,000 to felons that they're not banging. She's been chemically bonded to that dude, and by chemically bonded, I mean sex.

Question: was that $10k her money? Or yours? Or mutual? Also, who owns the house?

You need to man up and quick. Otherwise, she'll use you for your money and comfort yet still go out and screw the bad boys.

Honestly, I'm not sure I'd take her back if I were you. Not until you work on yourself, man up, and set some serious boundaries with that promiscuous wife of yours.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

How old are you and your WW?

Marriages can be recovered. That does not mean you have to.

It is obvious you do not even have the slightest idea on how to go about recovering a marriage. So the first step you need to do is get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Read that book cover to cover then come back here an tell us what you want then.

Have you or your WW been dating anyone else during this separation?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

$10,000? That's about £6,600 or US$10,500.

That's a lot of money.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here...

Until you wife confesses to the sordid affair, you will never be able to forgive or reconcile. 

Make a list of your demands. If she refuses, then file for divorce. 

Ask her to write down a timeline listing everything regarding the affair. She also needs to agree to answer any questions you may have no matter how many times you ask the same question.

Have her commit to No contact and have her send a no contact letter to the OM.

Begin marriage counseling.

Your best bet is to kiss that 10,000 dollars goodbye. It's not worth it to have him in your lives for the sake of recovering that dept

Eta: you must also understand she was IN LOVE with the OM. Many affairs begin on an emotional level and quickly become physical.

If you choose to reconcile you must realize the marriage is dead. You can begin anew, but you need to mourn the loss of who you thought your wife was.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm 15 months into R&R. 

There are many obstacles your wife will have to overcome before you get the truth. She will have to trust you are committed to giving it a chance. She will have to let her guard down fully and truly understand reconciliation can't fully happen without the truth.

First decide what you want, then you will need a plan. Competent marriage counseling is hard to find and not a panacea but without it, your chances are not good. Since it seems like she wants reconciliation should you accept, you may have a partner in it with you. Don't expect a make but progress can happen.

Separation is obviously keeping you in limbo so get out of it. It's usually not the remedy for a failing marriage unless you are trying to let go.

Get some IC. You are 50% responsible for the problems in your marriage. Even though wife cheated, as did mine, and it can feel like a fate worse than death, I did not do the things i was signaled to keep the connection alive.

I'm not saying you are going to be better of married with this woman. Nothing has really helped me with the mind movies and the sudden panic attacks, except that now I'm able to be more focused at work and that keeps my mind occupied during the day. But my wife is committed and works at the marriage and my needs to the best of her ability, and i do as well.

Hopefully you figure out what you want because it seems the only thing stopping you is you.


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## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Thankyou all for the advice and help, I had no one else to talk to and the kindness of strangers amazes me. 

Kasler, you are right I do need to learn how to man up. The whole situation was so emotionally painful and I am trying to work through it.

Pit of my Stomach, thanks for that advise - I am relating alot to it and it explains to me what the heck is going on in my head - thankyou.

Viseral, We never had joint bank accounts, I don't know if we were ever totally 'in love' with each other. It was her money, she originally bought the house but I payed all the bills that was the agreement - I am an electrician by trade and have done alot of nice renovations to the house. If I divorce I will only ask for the car (we have two), that will be my gift to her because I care for her welfare. I do not have to take anything else - she has been divorced once before and her ex took a fair bit but contributed nothing. It wasn't the money as such - it was just the idea that the money showed me that she would have been in love with this man.

theroad, We are both 33yo. We have no kids, I don't think our sexual chemistry was that good (I have experienced good sex before the marriage (and before I met her) so I know what it is like), although when we have been separated I have gone around there to try and work on it - it has improved a bit but I don't know if chemistry can be changed. I have placed an order for that book right now - I shall read it, thankyou. 

Part of the problem is that due to my severe OCD - I am probably a bit emotionally immature, I do not know much about relationships and that is why this advice is invaluable to me. 

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation like this? Where you just can't divorce and hang on (although you are separated), but you can't move back in? I must admit if she wasn't trying so hard to reconcile we both would of actually filed for divorce now. I feel sorry for her - yet she is in a better financial situation than me and does not suffer from a mental illness etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am sorry, but I do not believe in this 50/50 idea that each partner is responsible for half of the problems that lead up to their WS cheating on them.

In some cases this might be true, but not in all. It takes two to make a marriage, yet it can only take one to break it.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

As previous posters suggest there week be gaslighting and blame-shifting. Read up and learn how to spot so you can protect yourself. 

(suddenly i feel like Troll bait)

8months and you haven't educated yourself, picked up a book at B&N, or seen a therapist?


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

What's the reason first marriage ended in divorce? 
Has she ever cheated on anyone prior to you?


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## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

I forgot to mention during the separation we have not seen anyone else. 

Frozen we have seen a psychologist, she seemed to want me to say to my wife in front of her that I would make a commitment to move back in. I procrastinated because the breakup was so bloody horrible I just wanted to forget about it all TBH. I think I need ALOT more therapy. I am wondering if my head just won't let me go back although my heart wants to as Pit of my stomach suggested. Frozen is there a good resource I can use to spot gaslighting and blameshifting?

Silverlining, Her previous marriage ended because she only married a man from her church to get away from her Italian parents. They were not right for each other at the start and it just didn't work. She has told me she didn't cheat on him. Her family said this guy wasn't right for her. She makes bad choices sometimes.

That is what makes this so hard and that is why I feel sorry for her. I had no experience in RS's and came along about 3 months after her divorce from her previous husband. Her church pastor was guilt tripping the heck out of her and telling her she would be along forever because she divorced this guy. We met on an online dating site. I was sort of a fall back guy - I wanted experience in being with a women and RS's and because she showed so much interest in me despite as being so different people we got along really well. Well enough to get married. It is such a bad situation.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: I just can't get over the infidelity, please advise.*



MattMatt said:


> I am sorry, but I do not believe in this 50/50 idea that each partner is responsible for half of the problems that lead up to their WS cheating on them.
> 
> In some cases this might be true, but not in all. It takes two to make a marriage, yet it can only take one to break it.


Let me put it another way that may make it more understandable. 

When the bad partner is unknowingly manipulating, mistreating, pushing away the good partner, often the good partner does not respond in a positive way to address the problem and does their own detrimental dance. 

This leads to the disconnection over time that often leads to the really poor, self defeating choice to cheat.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Matt,

I am sorry you are here. Please work on the IC. You need to get your peace of mind back and you certainly are in a rough spot.

I hate to say this but it appears that you are plan B. I am sure you loved your wife but she disrespected you in so many different ways. They do not need to be regurgitated because you know what they are. 

I really encourage you to get help and move on towards a new life with someone that will respect you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not sure how prevalent polygraphs are in Australia. UK i hear they are rare. US common. australia???

The bad boy thing WORKS. one of my college room mates was. a bad boy player. Because of him i have some funny stories... it never bothered me until this one time he decided he wanted to deflower this freshman girl just to do it. He told us after the fact when we were all taking phonecalls from this now dumped girl. crying... not fun.

anyway. given the gravity of the double betrayal... money and sex. I agree with above. this looks very unsalvageable. mis- use of marital assets is strongly looked down on in divorce court pretty much everywhere. 

i would also suggest going to the gym to up your dating value. also up your game with women... she sees you as weak. she needs to see you as strong. up your alpha value. you come across as 100 beta provider. you will never be a 100 alpha... get halfway there you will do drastically better.

Success is the best revenge. get the woman you deserve AND will be loyal.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Order "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" now.

Will change your life and how you view women and relationships. Without it you'll be like a ship lost at sea.

Many of us here have been through a lot worse than what you're going through. Hang tough man.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Has she had any consequences? Has she gone 100% no contact with the other man? Has she been exposed? I'm not really hearing much remorse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until she gets paid back for the bike, you aren't coming back for her love.

So in a matter of speaking you aren't coming back cuz she has no real remorse and you are infact the fall back guy just like she was the fall back bank/loan company that will never get paid back....

Don't end up like your wife...giving and never getting a return for your investment.

Going back to your chick is in fact a bad investment both emotionally and finacially.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Has she had any consequences? Has she gone 100% no contact with the other man? Has she been exposed? I'm not really hearing much remorse.


@WOM, of course we aren't hearing anything else, his oldlady just got used big time by one of the oldest cons there is.

WW has nothing to offer....her plan A turned out to be a con artist and now want to pull a con on Matt by using him as plan B.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tying to grow old with someone and be with them for the rest of your life just because you feel sorry for them doesn't add up.

What dose your old lady have to offer you ?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Bad boy syndrome or what!

She's suffered no consequences, other than the OP leaving.

She isn't even really remorseful, minimizing, blameshifting, justifying her affair etc. "It was just a handjob, and that doesn't count" etc. I mean WTF!?

Even the fact OP had enough testosterone in his veins to leave is too much for her though, IMHO, as even that is enough to force her to dwell on her own infidelity enough to make her uncomfortable in her own skin. Nothing to do with true remorse, of which she has demonstrated none, she just doesn't like the way OP's action of leaving has made HER feel bad about HERSELF.

And when pushed, in the heat of the moment, her true opinion of OP and their arrangement came spilling out "Get out of MY house" not THEIR house, even though they are married. Not that you'd know, given the way she acts.

Just get another woman OP, one that really loves you, while you are young, and have time. You have no children, which you should be thankful for. Just grow from this horrible experience and move on, IMO.

She made her bed, she can lie in it.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

How were they even "friends" to begin with?

What were their mutual interests? Or hobbies? Or anything? I bet none. She was just always in heat for him, so simply did anything he asked, happy just to be merely in his presence, and that constituted a "friendship" to her huh? Nice. Real nice.

The fact the only winner in this sad story is Mr Badboy speaks volumes. She bought him a new motorbike OP. What did she ever buy you? 

Would she have dropped everything in her life to drive YOU 400km to pick up a dog, paid for the petrol to do so, and sucked you off in the car along the way to boot? I bet not....

Begs the question how much you ever really even meant to her.


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## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Thanks again everyone for more advice,

Viseral, I can't find that book on kobobooks so I am getting a hardcopy off amazon. Cheers.

WorkingOnMe, The only consequence was our separation. She has had no more contact with him because he smashed his new bike into a council lamppost destroying the bike into 100 pieces and almost killing himself. The police were after him once they found the VIN number of the bike and realized he was riding again without a license so he went into hiding - she was forced to not talk to him again. She says she is sorry for what she did but sometimes she will once again say it wasn't sex.

The Guy, you are right. I do feel like a Plan B. I think she was looking for a way out of the marriage - I said that to her once and she gasped (I knew I hit the nail on the head there) She says that if I come back she promises to look after me and never get mentally ill again. You are right, it is wrong to be with someone because you feel sorry for them - I think she feels sorry for me as well. I am sure of it. I put on A LOT of weight when I was with her and got more mentally ill. I developed a life threatening case of sleep apnea which I am slowly reversing now I am separated. It is sad but my old man took me in. With his help I am now almost at normal weight with almost no sleep apnea - I have lost 50KG in 8 months. (still need a CPAP though, this reminds me of how big I got)

She is trying now and losing weight herself - and cooking and being positive but I am terrified we will just fall back into old ways you know? 

Cro-Magnom, They had absolutely no mutual hobbies. He is a felon, hates police and does ALOT of drugs. I noticed that she was even adopting some of his terminology like saying things like "Look it's the bacon house" when we drove past a police station which gives me the ***** because I have alot of respect for police and if it wasn't for my OCD would have tried to become one. She did to her credit buy me one thing - a Holden van. If I leave and cannot reconcile that is the only thing I will ask for. I just want a fresh start, she can keep her house and we can both learn from our mistakes. She would never drive me 400km and back in a night no way. Thankyou for the thoughts, I really appreciate it. The whole situation is quite sad. She is damaged and so am I. She always chooses the wrong men. Maybe I was a wrong choice too but I think I looked after her when we were together.

So WHY did she want me back after trying to find a way out even with a ****up like the OM? WHY, that is why this has been so hard.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Matt---it is pretty obvious you are the nice guy, and he was the bad boy---nice guys finish last, and bad boys, they get the chick----the chick knows she is screwing up--but she doesn't care!!!!! Bad as that sounds---that unfortunately is the way it is with many women out there.

Please stop going to counseling---your counselor--is full of crap!!!!!!!

Look your wife knew what she was doing, she knew it every step of the way, and I am willing to bet everything YOU OWN---that she did a lot more with him, than some oral.

But even if it was only oral---what she did was replace you---she replaced you every night for a long period of time---and right now---she will not do the total hard heavy lifting to get back into the mge.--He*l she won't even admit to all the things she has done

Forget she exists---get your D---here in the States---you can go on line, print out the D. package, and get the whole thing started---it is time you did that---either yourself or with an Atty.

Also I read no mention of kids---so you do not have that problem to deal with.

This woman who is your so called wife---couldn't make it the 1st time she tried---now she runs off and destroys you by giving herself to a criminal type-----what could there be left---if you were to R---she would at some time cheat on you again---for at this point she has no respect whatsoever for you---

Why does she want you back---cuz she knows even at 33---there is probably little to no---good decent men out there for her---in your population area. So at least in name she would keep her respectable lifestyle--that is all you are to her---just a backup plan so she can look decent in the public eye!!!!

Matt----you get one trip thru life on this planet---and right now yours is pretty messed up---and IT IS NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER---till you file for D., and end this mge

Once you are free---you will find---that there really is a good, enjoyable, nice world out there---with lots of nice people in it----right now your world, is one of dreary dark misery---and it will STAY that way, till YOU do something about it----TIME TO FILE, and BE FREE


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Matt,

You sound so low and that's heartbreaking. Please concentrate on getting treatment for the OCD and improving your self esteem. I know that sounds big and scarey and if you need help with that, drop me a PM.

Your wife doesn't deserve you and you deserve to be happy and not her plan B. Please file for divorce. You will never get the truth from her. All you really need to know is that she cheated and gave away your joint assets. Time to get free and find the life you deserve.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> $10,000? That's about £6,600 or US$10,500.
> 
> That's a lot of money.


Check his profile. It's Australian dollars. Ten thousand five hundred American dollars.

He used her. She knows he used her. Women don't PAY men unless they are in deep deep love and/or (usually and) they know they are a lower perceived value to the guy who is getting the cash.

Self esteem issues. Gotta love em.

She has a job...and she gives a felon a huge chunk of change.

Okay.

Here is her checklist:

Have a lawsuit brought up against that man

Report his illegal use of a motorcycle to the authorities, using the lawsuit as evidence.

Write a NC letter.

Give you $10,000 free. No promises. No quid pro quo.

I think that would be a decent start.

If she won't do that (except the money. People might not have that amount lying around...though she can get a loan...) I'm afraid she wants grace on the cheap.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> Matt,
> 
> You sound so low and that's heartbreaking. Please concentrate on getting treatment for the OCD and improving your self esteem. I know that sounds big and scarey and if you need help with that, drop me a PM.
> 
> Your wife doesn't deserve you and you deserve to be happy and not her plan B. Please file for divorce. You will never get the truth from her. All you really need to know is that she cheated and gave away your joint assets. Time to get free and find the life you deserve.


Um...let's be clear. You went to an online dating service so you could be with a woman. Which means you weren't dating before.

You said your wife only had sex three times with you in two years. That indicates something else as well.

You are a mess...but you are cleaning things up. And I'm not talking about this relationship, though God knows that didn't help. Get the therapy and medication that you need.

From the sounds of it, you need to go some distance before you are emotionally and mentally ready for a relationship, much less one with this woman.

It is mentally uplifting to say 'I'm with such and such.' It puts you in the 'couple club'. But while it's a great social pick me up, when she does something like this, the damage is worse than the boost ever was.

But you seem to be smart enough to realize that. Your therapist is an ass. She thinks that fixing this relationship is the most important thing.

No. The most important thing is to get your self esteem issues resolved. It is to conquer this OCD as much as possible. It is to educate yourself on how to do the dance of love and relationships. See some chick flicks. If you don't understand some of the interactions, ask your dad or mum about what exactly is going on.

I am not trying to be an ass here, just going by what you are saying.

It is not normal for a couple to only have sex three times in 2 years. More regular is at least once a week. At your age, twice is more likely and that is after a good bit of marriage after the honeymoon period.

What exactly are you bringing to the relationship that she wants to stay with you if she is already fiscally secure? I don't understand the couple dynamics at all.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

I red your other thread and she was making fun of you for not having guts to kill yourself?
Id say remove her from your life,even without those comments this sounded bad.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

NewM said:


> I red your other thread and she was making fun of you for not having guts to kill yourself?
> Id say remove her from your life,even without those comments this sounded bad.


:wtf:

:iagree:


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

JCD said:


> It is to educate yourself on how to do the dance of love and relationships. See some chick flicks. If you don't understand some of the interactions, ask your dad or mum about what exactly is going on.


Oh God, just no. While I agree with every other thing you have said in your post, this is wrong. Chick flicks are the worst piece of advice there is on relationships.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

One and half yrs of betrayal but only one hand job.wah...........REALLY?
and *you believe her?.*


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

NewM said:


> I red your other thread and she was making fun of you for not having guts to kill yourself?
> Id say remove her from your life,even without those comments this sounded bad.


Good Lord!


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Mattlovescats said:


> theroad, We are both 33yo. We have no kids, I don't think our sexual chemistry was that good (I have experienced good sex before the marriage (and before I met her) so I know what it is like), although when we have been separated I have gone around there to try and work on it - it has improved a bit but I don't know if chemistry can be changed. I have placed an order for that book right now - I shall read it, thankyou.


Being you are conflicted best to wait till you get the book and read it. If it is something that you think you can do and WW wants to do it then you have a basis to recover your marriage.

You are young, have time to find another wife and have kids. So to wait another week or two will only help you to make the right decision.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JCD said:


> Check his profile. It's Australian dollars. Ten thousand five hundred American dollars.
> 
> He used her. She knows he used her. Women don't PAY men unless they are in deep deep love and/or (usually and) they know they are a lower perceived value to the guy who is getting the cash.
> 
> ...


Yes, Australian, just shows there are women capable of making incredibly bad choices all over the world. Matt, I feel for you, mate. You are doing the right things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Matt, you are following" The DavidWYoung way to FAIL at a marriage!" STOP doing that! I tried it also, and IT REALLY DOESN'T WORK! OK, first I want you to take a really cold shower (10 sec-30sec) wash rince repeat! Now say, that really sucked! Now I want you to start working out. Run-Walk 3kms a day for three months. During the runs ( and only during the runs ) I want you to think about your STBXW. During the rest of your time, I want you to seek help to regain your self image. You are an OK guy, you just need to understand that your wife was ending the marriage and it is your job to end it with her. Workout, it will clear your head and your heart. avid


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Add a gym membership to David post above. Muscles add to your dating value which should help the confidence level...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

If she is still defending her A, then she is NOT TRULY remorseful.

If you want to get better, then pull the trigger. She won't because she knows she can use you, not love you.
She is destroyed by the way she was taken, not because she used you.
So don't confuse your mental state with hers.
Pull the trigger.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dude, she wasn't going to his place every night to check his bath temperature. They were having sex. You say he did drugs, did she? If he was using, and she was there every night then she would have joined in too.

She lost her bf because he dumped her. Now she wants her plan b.

Oh, and how do you know she hasn't even dated since you left? Because she told you?

File for D and upgrade to a woman worthy of being with you.

And keep on dropping the weight.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

you know my hubby paid a prostitiute to give him a blow job while he did whatever he wanted to her and he at first said it wasnt sex,,, well it was and he now admits that

its just that it was oral sex.

a councellor said
a vase is broken, no matter how many pieces it is broken into

she did something pretty bad and it was still a betrayal of your marriage


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Mattlovescats said:


> *. . . So WHY did she want me back after trying to find a way out even with a ****up like the OM? . . .*


Dear Mlc,

Why does she want you back? 

Here's what she will tell you: Because she loves you because you took good care of her when you were together and treated her with respect even when you separated.

Here's the real answer: Because she needs a meal ticket and since you have believed her lies in the past even though the truth was staring you in the face she thinks you will probably be foolish enough to take her back if she just keeps being nice to you.

Don't be a fool, Mlc. The woman is no good. Sure you have feelings for her, you're a nice guy and she was probably a good wife at one time. But get real, man. She's not the woman you married any more and never will be again.

There's an old saying that applies to this situation: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Get a divorce already and get on with your life. Or, by a chump and take her back.

Your choice. Pick one. But stop whining. It's embarrassing to the rest of us guys.


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## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Thankyou again for the more replies and advice. I just need some more.

I apologize if I am missing replying to peoples posts individually, gotta run to work.

Carmen, Fine mate, I won't whine any more - I was just upset at the time and it is very hard for me just to throw the whole marriage away because I do have an emotional attachment. I am here so I can get advice on making the right decision and learning as much as I can - and I have learnt a lot. Also just because I have a more emotional side does not mean I am less of a man and an embarrassment to all of manhood. Anyway enough of that - I appreciate any advice and I really appreciate yours too. 

Also thanks all for the advice on the gym, I am thinking about taking up muay thai Kickboxing again, I did it for years before I met my wife and was fit and lean. 

I am after some more advice on this, I was a bees d*ck away from divorce (I started laying down terms) after this thread but my wife broke down on the phone and begged me, "don't leave me", it really hit a nerve and I felt like I should at least try one more time.

So I have taken advice from a few people on here and someone recommended a polygraph. So I have bought one on ebay, a USB one - cheap but it will do the job I think. Also I have demanded that my wife take steps to recover the money. 

So she is very resistant to these ideas, she said she doesn't really want to take the polygraph and she doesn't want to pursue small claims court because OM 'might say I had full sex with him and you would believe him' and also it is too expensive. It costs only $170.00 to lodge the application and there is no other costs and no lawyers required. There is no counter suing involved, she gets the money or not with no consequences. 

She brought up the whole 'you have whacked off to porn thing and that is cheating too'. I am starting to understand alot of these answers.

Any more thoughts?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Wow. Talk about manipulation!

She should teach classes on "How to remove your husband's balls and feed them to him through manipulation"

Matt, YOU are not throwing anything away. SHE already did that.

Matt, YOU are not throwing anything away. SHE already did that.

Matt, YOU are not throwing anything away. SHE already did that.

SHE threw away your marriage. Your money. You.

SHE smeared feces all over your marriage vows and wants you to lick it off. And in return she will (1)take a lie detector test, (2) try to get a little bit of your money back, and (3)accept full blame for her own actions.

OH wait. ummm. No. No she won't do ANY of those things - but you still have to lick the fecal matter off the vows.

THAT, Matt my friend, is called being a master manipulator and ball extractor.


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## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Actually it has just occurred to me that all the answers I need are in this and another thread I posted. I will go through it again and ponder it carefully. It is frightening but some people who have replied have had crystal balls - literally, she said and has done some things that were predicted in advance! 

I guess what has made it so hard is that I did have some sort of feelings for her deep down, it is hard to just 'pull the trigger', although I would love to be like that, I envy that.

And it is true about the whole nice guy thing, I really resent how nice guys do come last - it is so true. It is pathetic and sad. But it is the nature of people I suppose. Thanks for the help everyone - there is so much knowledge and wisdom here.


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## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Thanks Walk on Mars. I need to man the **** up and just break contact and stop engaging. The message is getting through to me. You are right there is no marriage now. The vows were spiritually broken when she touched his ****. 

It has already been thrown away.

I need to just learn to let go - it will be painful because there is feelings for her deep down otherwise I wouldnt be on this forum, I would have already filed for divorce. 

I have noticed the handy links on the bottom of your post. Cheers for that.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

MLC, there is nothing wrong with being a nice man, I am, I think, a nice man.
I just stop being nice when other people stop being nice.

You can be nice and yet still have a clear set of boundaries and not be a doormat.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You're a decent man Matt. Take care of yourself. And don't worry about her. There's plenty of guys who are willing to take her.... If they haven't already..


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> MLC, there is nothing wrong with being a nice man, I am, I think, a nice man.
> I just stop being nice when other people stop being nice.
> 
> You can be nice and yet still have a clear set of boundaries and not be a doormat.


:iagree:


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