# Feel like an idiot



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I've posted the story before but not sure if anyone will remember, but my wife has an IUD and as a result has constant discharge that makes her uncomfortable about oral. Our sex life is almost completely missing the oral component altogether, but a few months ago I really started talking to her about my desire to start going down on her again because I miss it and loved doing that to her, for her. I told her I'd be willing to work around the issue b/c it doesn't bother me, and so asked her if she would think about it for a while? She said she would.

Fast forward to now, about 3 months later, and tonight the foreplay was going good... I was really hot to trot, I felt my sexy mojo tonight doing all the right moves on her... I was really feeling the vibe... So I started to go for it. I was kissing her vagina over her underwear and started to pull her panties off and she said she didn't want me to do it and I was "losing her", meaning she was losing the mood if I continued further. So I stopped and just went back to our normal routine of fingering her and then she got on top and rode me cowgirl (which is usually her orgasm position) but she couldn't orgasm. So she had me get on top and finish off instead.

After we were done I asked her if she lost the mood because I tried to go down on her and she said yes. So now I feel like a fvcking fool. I'm so tired of trying to spice things up in the bedroom only to get shot down like this. She knows I want to do this for her, she knows I don't care about the discharge issues, and yet she still can't get over her own inhibitions regardless. I'm communicating, I'm open minded, I'm trying like hell to break through this wall of hers... And I'm left feeling like sh!t after the entire experience.

Why do I even bother anymore??? Now here I am upset and awake in bed while she sleeps next to me, posting on to a probably almost empty TAM forum on a Friday night. I feel like a jackazz for trying for her, a jackazz for having a sliver of hope I can break through to her, and a jackazz for not being able to get past this without calm and patience anymore.

She said to me as she's falling asleep: "maybe when I get my IUD out things will be different." I felt like saying back to her "maybe if you're lucky I'll still give a sh!t about it then."
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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Does your wife want and enjoy sex? Is it reasonably often for you?
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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Yeah, she enjoys sex and we go about 2x - 3x a week. I just find myself really desiring to expand our sex life a little more with some oral but she's just not having it. It's really starting to frustrate me.
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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

daffodilly said:


> Have you suggested giving her oral in the shower? Sounds like she's genuinely self conscious, not that she's trying purposefully to frustrate you.


I wish that was even an option... Our shower is a small 1-person unit... There's no way it would go well trying to pull this off in that tiny structure unfortunately.
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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If I had a discharge, I'd be too self-conscious (no matter how my partner felt about it) to engage in oral and, as you said in your previous thread:-



> Not a ton of it, but it occurs daily and it's enough to gross her out to the idea of getting oral sex. So basically, despite my own expressions of desire to give her oral over the years, she absolutely does not want me going down there.


You also mentioned in your other thread that she'd consulted with her Gynae and that he couldn't throw any light on the problem. I can't remember having any trouble with my IUD (a copper T), but have heard that they can cause such problems. Perhaps it's time for your wife to change her method of contraception? In the meanwhile, I wouldn't pressure her about oral sex, as there are other ways for you to pleasure her.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Yeah, I'm having an inner struggle with it for sure. I really don't pressure her about the issue... Aside from the few talks earlier this year and me actually making a go for it the first time in years tonight, I'm good about not pressing the issue. I keep this frustration "bottled up" in side for the most part, so you're hearing me vent about it here.

I know there's other ways to please her, but in a strange way this is important to me too... I fantasize about my wife enjoying me giving her oral and it leaves me feeling empty we don't have that going for us in our intimate routine.
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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I hate to ask the obvious, but why does she just not get rid of the IUD and switch to something else?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, the sooner the better the IUD is replaced with something that doesn't cause these problems for you both. I'm sure it frustrates your wife as well, because I recall you mentioning in the other thread that she used to enjoy you giving her oral, and it's good that you're so interested in giving your wife pleasure. Time for a visit to the Gynae for your wife, OP...


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

I love oral but I would NEVER let my H down there with discharge. It's gross. It can sometimes smell offensive (I had spotting throughout the month with a bunch of B/C pills and I remember I hated it). There is just no way that would be happening with me. I could never relax so I would never orgasm. It would be pointless for H to go down there and try to get me to O when my mind wouldn't allow it. 

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated, but I think you're being a little unfair here. She's still having sex with you. She's probably not fully comfortable with intercourse given her condition either so she's doing it for you. Give her a break.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

If only she knew what she was missing! What about using a baby wipe or coconut oil as a part of foreplay down there? 

However, if she can't relax and receive the pleasure that you are offering her, I would try to stop trying to convince her to do something that she doesn't like. Have you asked her about her fantasies? Other things you two could try? Role playing? Sex in different parts of the house or outside? Try not to let resentment build up; it slowly corrodes love.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Bottled Up ~

What's the status on getting the IUD removed? Have you considered taking over the birth control aspect - getting a vasectomy, using condoms - so that your wife can get the IUD out?

I could see that from her side, she's extremely uncomfortable and it hampers her enjoyment. I would be uncomfortable with my husband being down there if I had chronic discharge. It probably makes her uncomfortable in a lot of aspects of her life, not just sex.

You being upset about her discomfort hampers her enjoyment even further - setting up her developing the dreaded aversion to the act of oral.

She needs your help to stop this cycle. Instead of pushing, try being accepting of her condition. Try encouraging to get her to remove the IUD. Be proactive and you take charge of the birth control situation so that she can remove the IUD and comfortably have sex - without worrying about pregnancy, without worrying about a yukky discharge.

She is likely to respond a lot more positively to you and to oral sex if you would remain more positive about it, and if both of you would look for ways to resolve the situation together.

You know Albert Einstein's quote about insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Well, you won't get a different result unless you both start to look for a solution in a different way.

Best wishes.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> So now I feel like a fvcking fool. I'm so tired of trying to spice things up in the bedroom only to get shot down like this. She knows I want to do this for her, she knows I don't care about the discharge issues, and yet she still can't get over her own inhibitions regardless. I'm communicating, I'm open minded, I'm trying like hell to break through this wall of hers...


I think you're confusing two different issues. You see adding oral sex again as spicing things up. So you're frustrated that she can't enjoy it.

She's sees oral sex right now as a problem due to the discharge issues. It's not spicy or sexy for her now. It's a medical problem and she can't enjoy it. 

So you trying to spice things up *in this way* is only serving to make both of you frustrated. *She's not deliberately trying to shoot down your attempts to spice things up.*

Can you be more supportive and understanding that she is having these issues? I know I'd be miserable if I had discharge all the time, and self-conscious. Would you feel comfortable for her to give you oral if your penis was leaking blood?

If she can't get her IUD out right now for whatever reason, she can, if she's willing, try using those Softcups that are designed for periods. She can insert one like a diaphragm, and it will catch the fluids. But she might be uncomfortable with that - I don't know what other medical issues she's having with that IUD.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> I've posted the story before but not sure if anyone will remember, but my wife has an IUD and as a result has constant discharge that makes her uncomfortable about oral. Our sex life is almost completely missing the oral component altogether, but a few months ago I really started talking to her about my desire to start going down on her again because I miss it and loved doing that to her, for her. I told her I'd be willing to work around the issue b/c it doesn't bother me, and so asked her if she would think about it for a while? She said she would.
> 
> Fast forward to now, about 3 months later, and tonight the foreplay was going good... I was really hot to trot, I felt my sexy mojo tonight doing all the right moves on her... I was really feeling the vibe... So I started to go for it. I was kissing her vagina over her underwear and started to pull her panties off and she said she didn't want me to do it and I was "losing her", meaning she was losing the mood if I continued further. So I stopped and just went back to our normal routine of fingering her and then she got on top and rode me cowgirl (which is usually her orgasm position) but she couldn't orgasm. So she had me get on top and finish off instead.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but this seems very self-centred in my opinion.

I understand your situation as I too enjoy giving my fiancee oral. There's something empowering about it. That said, this boils down to you wanting to do something that makes her very clearly uncomfortable, and you are mad at her for not wanting it? You'd rather she feel uncomfortable for your pleasure? 

My fiancee has only allowed me to perform oral on her twice in 6-plus years, and the alst time was four years ago. She doesn't feel comfortable about it either due to an incident that happened when she was 14. While I'm diosappointed, I don't hold it against her, don't get mad about it and certainly would never think of saying something like "maybe if you're lucky I'll still give a sh!t about it then." I'm sure it's just your own frustration talking, but that sounds incredibly insensitive.

Your wife has a problem with you going down there right now, and it seems like it's a very valid one. It's how she feels. Talk about it, communicate how you feel, but if she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't want to do it. 

Imagine if your wife has the same desire as you do about oral, but her desire was to strap on a dildo and nail you in the poop chute, and that was something you didn't feel comfortable about. How would you feel if your wife said " "maybe if you're lucky I'll still give a sh!t about it then," to you?


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Sorry, but this seems very self-centred in my opinion.
> 
> I understand your situation as I too enjoy giving my fiancee oral. There's something empowering about it. That said, this boils down to you wanting to do something that makes her very clearly uncomfortable, and you are mad at her for not wanting it? You'd rather she feel uncomfortable for your pleasure?
> 
> ...


Self-centered? Not quite. Selfish? Yes. I selfishly want so bad to explore more intimately with my wife that it gets in the way of my rationale sometimes.

I do recognize she has a hang-up about it and I need to be more understanding. I recognize I said this out of anger on Friday night and I don't mean to come across so insensitive.

You are all right. 

I am the real problem here and I know it. I truly am an idiot, and I'm just not going to vent anymore. Sometimes it seems better to just stay bottled up after all. I think I chose the perfect username for myself in that regard...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> Self-centered? Not quite. Selfish? Yes. I selfishly want so bad to explore more intimately with my wife that it gets in the way of my rationale sometimes.
> 
> I do recognize she has a hang-up about it and I need to be more understanding. I recognize I said this out of anger on Friday night and I don't mean to come across so insensitive.
> 
> ...


Not a good thing at all to keep bottled up. But it's also good to think about a situation objectively. Try thinking of it from your wife's standpoint. Would you want her giving you a BJ if you were oozing stuff from your penis?


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

I wish that's all I was frustrated about. It took over 40 years before my SO let me go down on her. Then a couple of months later all sex stopped completely. That was 2 1/2 years ago. 
Be thankful for what you have.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you just want to vent, say so. Otherwise, the post will come across as whining and blaming your wife. 

Why does spicing up things have to mean oral? Really, that makes no sense to me--there are so many other things you could do to change things up a bit. It sounds like you have fixated on the one thing she is no longer interested in--and anytime someone says no to something, we have to respect that. 

Ask her how she wants to spice up the sex life and see what she says.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

make an appointment and get that damn thing removed!

I bet she still dosn't want you to give her oral!

IMOH.... your dropping the ball when she says things like your lossing me thats when you get up and say for crying out loud then pack your bags and leave for christs sake! then go out and have a few beers . when you come back tell her its not working and you think sex should be more equal instead of all thease hang up about this and that.

or shut up and live with a selfish bi*ch who dosn't really have an intreats to have sex with her husband or care what he like sexually.

I pre**** a long missearable married life with someone like that!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> Not a good thing at all to keep bottled up. But it's also good to think about a situation objectively. Try thinking of it from your wife's standpoint. Would you want her giving you a BJ if you were oozing stuff from your penis?


if she said she didn't mind then yes


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