# BS Internet searches...escort services?



## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm back at our place while my husband is away. I'm using my husband's computer. I was deleting my internet History, so that he doesn't know I go to this site. Not ashamed of you guys, just trying to keep this stuff private for now. 

So I was deleting it last night and noticed that he's got a bunch of sites about happy ending parlors, CL casual encounters, Asian hook-up services, and even surrogate sex counseling (which I have never heard of before). There's some porn stuff too, but that doesn't really concern me as much. 

Do BS commonly look for outside sex after dday? Are these just internet searches, fantasies, or do these ever come to fruition? 

I'm not entirely surprised or even upset about these searches. Is it odd that part of me wants him to go ahead and get the anger bang out of his system...I think it would help our chances of R, like he would feel like he's on even footing with me...Would it make it worse?


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

Oh btw, he knows I'm at our place. He doesn't mind if he's not around.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

uh oh

revenge affair


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Not sure about BS's... But I consider my searches for the kind of things you mention as the start of my betrayal. It's a very slippery slope, especially when you start realizing that there's lots of sex available out there. And if he starts hitting the "adult dating" sites (aka sexual hookup sites), those kind of relationships are free and easy.

I don't think both of you descending to the same level is really healthy, personally. Are you in any form of counseling? It sounds like you could have a healthy, non-confrontational discussion with him about this. 

C


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

I hope he doesn't "anger bang"...baggage from one spouses mistake is enough and more than most can deal with but if you both bring it to the table...wow...you both dealing with hurt and trust issues will only make problems worse and the chance of R would be slim to none..maybe you should talk about it with him or visit the sites or call the places because he may just be looking at the naked ladies on there especially if you haven't reached the point where you are having sex together...could just be a masturbation thing, which in book is better than going out and finding a partner, some may disagree because they are against porn but it doesn't bother me...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> I hope he doesn't "anger bang"...


That is an awesome phrase. I am stealing this at some point. 

I think it is very possible he is looking to break one off so he can feel he is getting even. Absolutely. He might not really act on it, but he is clearly thinking about it. I don't think it's a red herring for Leslie at all. The guy is reeling - he might think doing that will make him feel better. 

It's a bad idea, but he's not the one on this site asking about it. He'll either do it or he won't. 

Are you guys talking at all, or is he basically gone dark?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

A friend of mine had a revenge affair on his wife after he discovered her cheating. It didn't help him at all.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You say you want him to go out and get the anger bang out of his system; might be a different story once (if) he actually does it.

This is why I don't believe in R; no offense to all of you strong and brave people who do...I just know I could NEVER forget, let alone forgive.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> You say you want him to go out and get the anger bang out of his system; might be a different story once (if) he actually does it.
> 
> This is why I don't believe in R; no offense to all of you strong and brave people who do...I just know I could NEVER forget, let alone forgive.


Thats the thing you THINK you know how you would react, you know it deep down, until it actually happens....well for some of us any how..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You need to confront him about what you found. A revenge affair will only compound your problems. Don't give us this crap about letting him get it out of his system! You are not as tough as you think you are Leslie. If he goes through with it, *it will *devastate you, and the two of you will have twice the amount of work to go through in order to reconcile. Tell him if he touches another woman, reconcilliation is over and you will file for Divorce.

Two wrongs do not make a right.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

strugglinghusband said:


> Thats the thing you THINK you know how you would react, you know it deep down, until it actually happens....well for some of us any how..


Exactly!

I was positive that I knew how I'd react. And, while I was partly right...here we are, in R. And once all the cards got out there on the table, the R has gone well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

My H had a 9 month EA/PA and I had a PA before either one of us knew anything about the other. It won't put you on even ground, it will be even more difficult to R, and it's just not worth it. 

It has been 5 years since DDay (we both confessed on the same day), and only maybe 2 years since things have been "good". It was almost 3 years of utter hell that neither of us want to go through again. We have worked extremely hard to gain trust of one another again and nothing has been easy. 

You will have double the work for a successful R if you both cheat. It's not worth it. If you think you are on shakey "R" ground now, it will be nothing compared to if he goes through with an anger-bang!


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

He has not gone dark, but our communication is limited to text and email. How do I confront him? Just email him? Should I call and leave a VM? I think that would only upset him further.

As it stands, I don't think I have the power to threaten with a divorce.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Just ask him; but he will throw your affair in your face to be sure. Still, if you're to try and make the marriage work, now THIS is something that needs addressing as well....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LeslieH said:


> As it stands, I don't think I have the power to threaten with a divorce.


Cop-out. 

You had the power to throw your marriage on the butcher block when you had sex twice with another man. You had the power to come clean to your husband afterward.

What do mean you have no power? You are 50% of the marriage. Just because you behaved badly does not give him a free ride to go do whatever the hell he wants. 

At some point you two need to agree on a baseline of behavior. Now or later... or, give him a divorce and take nothing away from the marriage but what you brought into it.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

OK, I shot him an email...here's hoping I was just being paranoid!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Cop-out.
> 
> You had the power to throw your marriage on the butcher block when you had sex twice with another man. You had the power to come clean to your husband afterward.
> 
> ...


I agree completely with bandit. The only question is should she confront him now when he is away and only reachable by text or email or should she wait until they can meet and discuss it face to face. I would think the latter but there is an issue of time sensitivity as well.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

well... guess I just took the time sensitivity out of it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

LeslieH said:


> well... guess I just took the time sensitivity out of it.


That's ok. Sometimes its better to do anything even if its the wrong thing than do nothing at all. And I don't think you did the wrong thing.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

He said he didn't contact any of those services, but he was considering it to try and make me feel what he's feeling. He's not a brash guy, and he realized it wouldn't help him grieve. 

Just another example of how much of a better person he is than me. Sigh. (happy sigh, a happy sigh)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He's not a better or worse person than you. He just stays within his boundaries. You need to work on yours, that's all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds good. Trust, but verify. Just double check the bank statements and the credit card statements for random $200 withdraws that are not explained. This is a cash only business you know...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

LeslieH said:


> He said he didn't contact any of those services, but he was considering it to try and make me feel what he's feeling. He's not a brash guy, and he realized it wouldn't help him grieve.
> 
> Just another example of how much of a better person he is than me. Sigh. (happy sigh, a happy sigh)



FWIW for a few hours I went into hunt for revenge affair mode myself and went on a dating website is designed for cheaters. Thankfully I also came to my senses, that would have really f'd things up.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

I agree with WorkingOnMe..Trust but verify...


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

Tell him about tam. Keeping one secret makes it easier to keep others. I can see why you don't want to mention it, but you are rationalizing secretive behavior, which can't be helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just to throw my $0.02, me and the misses went through the same thing, I thought about a revenge affair, and my fWW even wanted to go get me laid.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone....both of you are not alone in this kind of unhealthy thinking.
At the end of the day both of you need to see there is a healthier way to heal this marriage.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

mrsamazing said:


> Tell him about tam. Keeping one secret makes it easier to keep others. I can see why you don't want to mention it, but you are rationalizing secretive behavior, which can't be helpful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He knows I post anonymously on a website. I'm not hiding that. I view this as a form of therapy for me. I tell him about what I post and what advice or opinions I receive. I don't suggest he go read this site, but if he ever asked I would let him know about it


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