# Do you lie to your spouse about little things?



## livelaughlovenow

I don't mean, "does this dress make me look fat" I mean like a little bigger than that...but still minor things.... (my husband does, it drives me insane and makes it hard for me to believe him when big things come up). 
IE: Tonight my husband said he was training a man.... however he pocket dialed me, and I heard him in the car explaining the position and the respondent was a female..... 
Why lie? Why not just tell the truth? 
And he wonders why I don't trust him..... 
I'm just curious... is it a man thing... like you just spit it out if you think it's something that is going to cause problems, if you think you are not going to get caught? 
And when he just called to say he was on his way home, he said, I tried to call you back earlier, I said well I tried to call you back after you pocket dialed me... then when on and on in detail about this guy and what he thought the position was etc etc.... wth? 
I don't even know what to do with the info. All I know is I have discussed with him previously please do not even lie to me about little things... and tonight he did it again. I don't care that he was training a female, he works with mostly females, but now that I know he lied... makes me wonder about the last "guy" he trained... and makes me question everything he says because he just lies.


----------



## bkaydezz

oh yes!!!!

Did you let him know that you heard it was a female.. i know you said you told him about the pocket dial.

Thats pitiful really.

If he is lying about it, my best guess is that he is in something deeper here.
If it was jsut to train it wouldnt be such a big deal.

You should just show up at one of his training sessions and watch the look on his face and introduce your self to the female and see what reaction you get from both of them.


----------



## tacoma

No I don`t lie to my wife about anything other than anniversary/christmas plans.

There`s no need.

However, if she was constantly giving me crap about that most innocuous little things due to some extreme insecurity she had I could see how I might fall into that trap if I were a bit less experienced.
(Not saying you do this just saying I could understand why a man might if this were the case)

She doesn`t and I`m not so we don`t have that problem.


----------



## livelaughlovenow

He claims it was a hispanic man... I swear I heard a woman. He almost always has an excuse and rarely ever fesses up when actually caught... and changes the subject a bazillion times.... which he is doing right now.


----------



## gbrad

Who doesn't like to their significant other. I mean really, how you could you survive day to day. Atleast that seems to be my experience. I wish I knew something different but I don't. I am always trying to avoid any confrontation just so I don't have to deal with her getting upset.


----------



## waiwera

gbrad said:


> I am always trying to avoid any confrontation just so I don't have to deal with her getting upset.


See this gets my goat!!

So.... you'd rather lie about something and risk a HUGE upset than discuss an issue like a grown up and possibly have to deal with a unhappy (but small) confrontation.

I know in my marriage the lies always cause more upset than the stupid little things that were the original issue and seeing OP's post it seems i'm not alone in this thinking.

Sigh......

PS: I don't lie to my H about anything other than 'surprises' such as presents or parties. I certainly don't lie because he might 'growl me' or be upset... I'm more grown up than that!


----------



## Racer

Yes I lie; A lot more than I want to. Tell the whole truth, and it will be used to against me to beat me to death with. She’ll read between the lines, make assumptions, and any ‘reason’ or ‘rational’ thought goes out the window as she applies her ‘worst case scenario thinking’.. Ever argue with an insane person? Lets just say you won’t ‘win’ that argument so its pointless to go there. Black and white thinkers suck because the world is full of grey. I hate that I have to relate to her on terms of presenting only the white otherwise she’ll sniff out the black and make the worst out of it.

Simple example; You talk to a co-worker about how she liked 50 Shades. You simply can not approach your wife with that information without it turning into all sorts of accusations about you, this co-worker's intentions, and a boundaries lecture.


----------



## gbrad

waiwera said:


> See this gets my goat!!
> 
> So.... you'd rather lie about something and risk a HUGE upset than discuss an issue like a grown up and possibly have to deal with a unhappy (but small) confrontation.
> 
> I know in my marriage the lies always cause more upset than the stupid little things that were the original issue and seeing OP's post it seems i'm not alone in this thinking.
> 
> Sigh......
> 
> PS: I don't lie to my H about anything other than 'surprises' such as presents or parties. I certainly don't lie because he might 'growl me' or be upset... I'm more grown up than that!


With my wife though, if she gets mad at me about something, I have to fix it. That makes sense, I mess, I have to take care of it. But if there is anything I get upset at her about, she gets upset about that and then again, I have to fix it. I have to deal with her being upset with what she has done wrong, and it never fixes what I am actually upset about. So it is a lose lose for me. So I try my best to just avoid as much as possible. I don't have the energy to go round and round with her emotional ass.


----------



## DrunkenH

When I was married I lied my ass off about all sorts of crap. All little things, really. I was always pretty honest about real problems, mainly because there was just absolutely no way to hide them.

Here's an example. My workplace is pretty tight knit, and all of my social friends are coworkers. Many times after work, we'd hang around the parking lot just BSing for maybe half an hour. These are all dudes, mind you. For whatever reason, this practice annoyed the hell out of my wife, and she complained about it every time. I don't pretent to understand the female brain. So eventually I just started telling her I got stuck late doing actual work, not just chatting with my friends. When I got caught lying about it of course she said the "cover up" was worse than the "offense" and I should have been honest (yep, she actually used those terms). To my thinking it was better to roll the dice, try to get away with it, and accept the risk of getting caught than regularly take a bunch of sh*t over something I didn't even view as bad.


----------



## DrunkenH

waiwera said:


> So.... you'd rather lie about something and risk a HUGE upset than discuss an issue like a grown up and possibly have to deal with a unhappy (but small) confrontation.


In a word, yes. Especially if there's a years long pattern of "unhappy (but small) confrontations" over what should be non issues in the first place.

Yep, worth the risk.


----------



## DrunkenH

bkaydezz said:


> If he is lying about it, my best guess is that he is in something deeper here.


Maybe so. It's also entirely possible that the OP has a history of getting bent out of shape when he works with women, and he'd rather avoid the headache.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Well I CANNOT afford to lie...
Most of our clients are female. [ We own a business ]
And I meet with them most of the times.
She would be livid if she found out I lied about a meeting or something like that.

The truth always comes out.


----------



## DrunkenH

Caribbean Man said:


> The truth always comes out.


Ok, I'm about to look like a major prick here but...

Not always. I got away with quite a few, as do many other people, daily.


----------



## happyinlove

I have too much respect for my husband to lie...even about the little things


----------



## DrunkenH

happyinlove said:


> I have too much respect for my husband to lie...even about the little things


Seriously, good for both of you. That's admirable.


----------



## tacoma

gbrad said:


> With my wife though, if she gets mad at me about something, I have to fix it. That makes sense, I mess, I have to take care of it. But if there is anything I get upset at her about, she gets upset about that and then again, I have to fix it. I have to deal with her being upset with what she has done wrong, and it never fixes what I am actually upset about. So it is a lose lose for me. So I try my best to just avoid as much as possible. I don't have the energy to go round and round with her emotional ass.


I understand & can sympathize as I've dealt with women like this in the past but all you're doing is setting yourself up for more insecure insanity when you get caught in those little white lies.

Just tell her the truth & stand up for yourself and sooner or later she's either going to stop or you're going to realize you married a certifiable nut case.

I wouldn't remain married to a certifiable nut case as I refuse to walk on those eggshells.

Catching you in those little lies is empowering her insecurities to the point where she finds them justifiable.

Take that power away from her .


----------



## Caribbean Man

DrunkenH said:


> Ok, I'm about to look like a major prick here but...
> 
> Not always. I got away with quite a few, as do many other people, daily.


I understand what you say,
But its difficult for me to lie to her.
Even in small insignificant things, I cannot, because I always speak my mind. 
I never fear repercussions.
Just how I'm wired.


----------



## Feelingdown

I do sometimes, but rarely and never anything more than a tiny white lie.

Classic example is I bought something off amazon the other day, and she asked me how much it cost. It cost £18 but I said £15 to reduce the chances of yer telling me off for wasting money. She then found the receipt in the box and gave me a evil stare but then started laughing, admitting she does the rounding down thing too 

Ironically, I think it's fine to lie if you'd be ok with the other person finding out you lied.


----------



## DrunkenH

Feelingdown said:


> I do sometimes, but rarely and never anything more than a tiny white lie.
> 
> Classic example is I bought something off amazon the other day, and she asked me how much it cost. It cost £18 but I said £15 to reduce the chances of yer telling me off for wasting money. She then found the receipt in the box and gave me a evil stare but then started laughing, admitting she does the rounding down thing too
> 
> Ironically, I think it's fine to lie if you'd be ok with the other person finding out you lied.


Be careful what you admit to here, bud. According to some of the posters, you're little white lie means that you don't respect your wife.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

i used to lie to my exH and he used to lie to me.We used to make light of it saying it's not lying,it's just not giving all the details.

I'm not saying it's right and I'm not saying it's healthy but sometimes you do what you have to do to have a peaceful existence.


----------



## Toffer

Sorry to say I am guilty of it too but so is my spouse although she doesn't know I know the whole extent of her lies (mostly lies of ommision).

In the case of her lies, they don't really bother me and I think she doesn't tell me things because she's afraid that they will bother me. 

My lies are also primarily those of omission. As others have stated, I avoid the possibility of getting dumped on and beat up by not saying anything about issues that truly have no bearing on anything!


----------



## Racer

happyinlove said:


> I have too much respect for my husband to lie...even about the little things


I'm not trying to be an ass here, but that's probably a lie. Did you know that it is a mental problem if you don't lie? Its also a sign of autism. Everyone poops and everyone lies. Even babies lie; They’ll cry and fuss like something is wrong just for attention. If we couldn’t, then we couldn’t function as a society. Watch yourself... I’ll bet you there are tons of lies by omission or twisting of words to ease their concerns; which are still lies.

So, I will just assume that your relationship is so good that there just aren’t ramifications for telling your spouse things that might bother them (or there really isn’t anything you do or they hear that would). If so, I’m very jealous of that relationship if you are serious.


----------



## livelaughlovenow

Thanks all for your input. I do have anxiety issues and we have had issues in the past and he knows that trust is important. OF course in this situation, it was a man, I heard wrong (apparently my hearing is going bad or something).... he told me to call this person and that.... I'm tempted to call his bluff... but then it shows that I don't trust him if I do that... wtf? I am sick of the head games. But as another poster said, the little lies do feed someone with security issues, it makes them justified to question something later, which is why I asked to begin with. I know what I heard, but now he has me questioning myself, his typical way of responding to anything... and it drives me nuts! His friends have even accused him of lying about things... so I just don't know. People who have followed my story know we have had some serious issues come up in which he did lie, lied flat out or ommitted serious information and we are still rebuilding trust. Here I am again feeling like I need to bite the bullet go against what my gut is telling me and believe him and move on.... which I am really getting tired of doing when he twists things all the time and makes it my fault because he knows that I have anxiety (although it is much better treated now) which is why we were on a great track and the whole thing yesterday threw me through a major loop. 

Today he has been quiet and reserved, when I asked what was wrong he said he had a lot on his mind.... things he named were nothing of concern... don't know what to think of that.


----------



## bkaydezz

Racer said:


> Yes I lie; A lot more than I want to. Tell the whole truth, and it will be used to against me to beat me to death with. She’ll read between the lines, make assumptions, and any ‘reason’ or ‘rational’ thought goes out the window as she applies her ‘worst case scenario thinking’.. Ever argue with an insane person? Lets just say you won’t ‘win’ that argument so its pointless to go there. Black and white thinkers suck because the world is full of grey. I hate that I have to relate to her on terms of presenting only the white otherwise she’ll sniff out the black and make the worst out of it.
> 
> Simple example; You talk to a co-worker about how she liked 50 Shades. You simply can not approach your wife with that information without it turning into all sorts of accusations about you, this co-worker's intentions, and a boundaries lecture.



that is such a popular book right now.
i wouldnt be surprised honestly if a woman jsut randomly asked if someone has read it. ive had a few do it to me, not just because i am a female but because they are excited talking about the book. guys at my work even know about it from everyone talking about it.

really rcer all you can do is tell the truth. then leave the room and shut the door behind you, ignore her if you have to until she realizes that you are telling her the truth.

at least you will be saving yourself here.
the only reason i could think of why she would do that is because you have lied to her previously then found out the truth later and now has trust issues with her.
if that is the case then you can only blame yourself for her questioning you constantly.


----------



## tobio

My husband is a kidder. Started off being funny but drives me up the wall now! Thing is as well as being a wind-up merchant, he kids about completely inconsequential things. The trouble is with this is that often he doesn't explain away that he's fibbing and I can go on for days thinking he's told me the truth about something. I'll then bring it up a few days later saying, "we have to sort such-and-such a phone call/bill out/etc" and he'll say no we don't, I did that days ago, and I'll be like, hang on, but you said, and he'll say, no, he was joking like I'm supposed to realise he would joke about having made a really mundane phone call?

Do I lie? Not generally. I have made up stories to cover up birthday surprises and things like that but no I don't lie about small things.

Does he lie? Yes - apart from above. He has omitted to tell me things or lied or also deliberately manipulated the truth to tell me something but make it sound different if that makes sense?

Before his EA I would have shrugged off the white lies. Now I think, well, if he shows he can lie about teeny tiny inconsequential things then what else is he lying about or hiding? I like knowing the bare truth. If I have that in front of me then I can deal with that. Little lies to me are displaying something not quite right, not necessarily cheating but some problem that is causing him to feel that he can't tell me the truth.

OP is there any way he can verify it was a man? Does he have a work diary or schedule he can show you? If he understands your issues he'd be happy to do that wouldn't he?


----------



## Dad&Hubby

I REFUSE to lie to my wife. 1. I make sure I'm not involved in any activities that a secure wife wouldn't feel "safe" about, so that's part of it. 2. I'd rather have a confrontation about an issue than to undermine one of the most critical component of a marriage...Trust.

I look at it this way. What are the key parts of a marriage
Trust, communication, respect, love and lust. Love and lust vary through a marriage but the first 3 allow love and lust to be there. Lieing isn't trustworthy, it's avoiding communication and isn't respectful....so no...I will never lie.


----------



## bkaydezz

livelaughlovenow said:


> Thanks all for your input. I do have anxiety issues and we have had issues in the past and he knows that trust is important. OF course in this situation, it was a man, I heard wrong (apparently my hearing is going bad or something).... he told me to call this person and that.... I'm tempted to call his bluff... but then it shows that I don't trust him if I do that... wtf? I am sick of the head games. But as another poster said, the little lies do feed someone with security issues, it makes them justified to question something later, which is why I asked to begin with. I know what I heard, but now he has me questioning myself, his typical way of responding to anything... and it drives me nuts! His friends have even accused him of lying about things... so I just don't know. People who have followed my story know we have had some serious issues come up in which he did lie, lied flat out or ommitted serious information and we are still rebuilding trust. Here I am again feeling like I need to bite the bullet go against what my gut is telling me and believe him and move on.... which I am really getting tired of doing when he twists things all the time and makes it my fault because he knows that I have anxiety (although it is much better treated now) which is why we were on a great track and the whole thing yesterday threw me through a major loop.
> 
> Today he has been quiet and reserved, when I asked what was wrong he said he had a lot on his mind.... things he named were nothing of concern... don't know what to think of that.


call his bluff.

i would!!!!! call this "man".
you are going to have anxiety lviing with someone who causes you day to day sress honey. 
him sayng that you dont trust him after he tells you to call is a guilt trip. that is one thing i cannot stand about a person.
if he wants you to notice the truth then he wil take it for what its worth andrealize thereason you are doing it is because you are still building the trust with him.
This man is minipulating you. ive been in asituation where this has hapened to me several times (obviously with different issues), but its not right.
If he truely respects you and the relationship he will just let it out.
Like i said before, show up when he is training!!!!!!!! that will put it on the spot.
start going workout when he is doing this and if he asks why you are here, jsut say its because you want to start takin care of yourself, commit to it and you can keep your eye on him and see if his attitude changes toward you for it or not!


----------



## sisters359

I'm divorced, but I can honestly say I never lied to my ex, and he only lied to me once that I know of (he confessed about it years later, and he would have been sooo easy to catch in a lie otherwise). 

I could not be in a relationship with someone who lied routinely even about "the little things." Usually, a person lies for one of two reasons: some type of personality disorder, or fear of conflict. Neither is, of course, a legitimate reason. 

If you have the option (generally speaking, not just you, OP), do not settle for someone who lies. It's just a lifetime of hurt waiting to unfold. If you have already committed to a liar--and I mean, you have children with this person--get all the professional help you can, but don't feel that you have to stay with someone who cannot or will not grow up.


----------



## livelaughlovenow

bkaydezz said:


> call his bluff.
> 
> i would!!!!! call this "man".
> you are going to have anxiety lviing with someone who causes you day to day sress honey.
> him sayng that you dont trust him after he tells you to call is a guilt trip. that is one thing i cannot stand about a person.
> if he wants you to notice the truth then he wil take it for what its worth andrealize thereason you are doing it is because you are still building the trust with him.
> This man is minipulating you. ive been in asituation where this has hapened to me several times (obviously with different issues), but its not right.
> If he truely respects you and the relationship he will just let it out.
> Like i said before, show up when he is training!!!!!!!! that will put it on the spot.
> start going workout when he is doing this and if he asks why you are here, jsut say its because you want to start takin care of yourself, commit to it and you can keep your eye on him and see if his attitude changes toward you for it or not!


I can't just show up... it's private property and you need a badge to get on the property and thru security..... and second, he has told me before (I guess a threat) that he cannot be in a relationship without trust. But we've talked since then and he understands why mistrust is there, it's entirely his fault, compounded by my own issues..... maybe I will call someone he works with and find out.... I'm just not prepared for the consequences I guess of that. He knew when he threw that out I would not call his bluff but at this point, I am so sick of wondering and being forced to question my own things I see and know.... and in this case hear. I know his attitude will totally change if I call someone he works with to verify who he was training last night, because I know NONE of his coworkers and they will tell him I called. But from what I can tell he hasn't called a single one today to give them a heads up.


----------



## bkaydezz

livelaughlovenow said:


> I can't just show up... it's private property and you need a badge to get on the property and thru security..... and second, he has told me before (I guess a threat) that he cannot be in a relationship without trust. But we've talked since then and he understands why mistrust is there, it's entirely his fault, compounded by my own issues..... maybe I will call someone he works with and find out.... I'm just not prepared for the consequences I guess of that. He knew when he threw that out I would not call his bluff but at this point, I am so sick of wondering and being forced to question my own things I see and know.... and in this case hear. I know his attitude will totally change if I call someone he works with to verify who he was training last night, because I know NONE of his coworkers and they will tell him I called. But from what I can tell he hasn't called a single one today to give them a heads up.


private? where is it that makes it private!?

he is controlling your feelings. not good:/

i would call, why not. at the most it will cause an arguement right?


----------



## livelaughlovenow

I did call. Person verified it was a foreign guy told me his name, which my husband actually said wrong. I will discuss with my husband later, and you are right, he should understand there have been so many other serious things that I have had to just trust his word on, friendships broken because of it, etc. Things that I have clearly busted him for lying about and this was one thing that I asked in our working on our marriage was even if it is something little please do not lie, it makes things worse... now I feel terrible, but this is what happens (to all of you who lie and get caught this is what you cause your spouse to feel- a general distrust in everything you say).


----------



## bkaydezz

yep. and it will be that way for a long time.

when you do that, you know it and have to reap the consequences of it.
thats pa of learning your mistakes, but tokeep amking them means a illion things to us!


----------



## livelaughlovenow

Also so what makes it private is the type of corporation that it is, it's got secret patents and things, and major security. Anyway... I will be talking with my hubby later. I am glad he was telling the truth in this situation, it just sucks. I wish I knew more trust building techniques. I know it takes time. But this helps, that I was able to verify, and only then, did I ask questions, and the person verified even that the dude sounds girlish when he speaks.... go figure. When I asked my husband this he said no. Anyway..... 
I told my dh we need to have a talk later, it's actually been a while, and with me in counseling and having my anxiety treated things were going well so we haven't had many talks about our progress lately, plus we've had some other things going on too... but I think it's important to revisit this issue and that I explain to him, it's going to take time.


----------



## livelaughlovenow

bkaydezz said:


> yep. and it will be that way for a long time.
> 
> when you do that, you know it and have to reap the consequences of it.
> thats pa of learning your mistakes, but tokeep amking them means a illion things to us!


Yes exactly.... I just wish we could figure a way to fix it quicker. I wish I could figure a way to fix it quicker, I know he does too... especially since he sees everything always as innocent (borderline) the things that happened before leading up to this, or innocent white lies... or ommissions and then I find out later. Little things I let go. Lately though, it's been very hard to, as I re-evaluate my relationships as part of my therapy.


----------



## bkaydezz

i need therapy. deling with lies and bullshet regularly here to,m but over stupid things. i need anerve pill!!!!!!!!


----------



## WyshIknew

Couple of nights ago.

Wife "Are you on that damned TAM site again"

Me "Errrrrr no" (quickly presses windows key).


----------



## costa200

The only kind of lies i do are something along the lines:

Her: Do you like the new drapes?

Me: Hmmm... yeah... sure i do! (WTF? we have new drapes?)

Her: The color, do you like it? 

Me: Yeah... Really goes well with the rest of the... stuff... (frankly i don't give a damn)

That's about it.


----------



## WEBELONG2GETHER

I used to lie to my husband because he could not handle the truth. He geniunely was not happy unless you told him what he wanted to hear. i tried to tell him the truth he would not believe it, so to keep peace i stated lieing to him. This went on for years. Fast forward to the present. I tell him the truth no matter what. 

Reminds me of that part in Ann of Green Gables when she tried to tell the truth about the missing broach. They would not believe her until she made a a wonderful story about how she lost the broach and then they believed her. Days later her parents found the broach and asked her why she lied. She replied, "you would not believe the truth" that is my husband.....sigh.


----------



## Runs like Dog

No but I omit particular details.


----------



## Racer

bkaydezz said:


> the only reason i could think of why she would do that is because you have lied to her previously then found out the truth later and now has trust issues with her.
> if that is the case then you can only blame yourself for her questioning you constantly.


Not quite... people with insecurity issues tend to project them onto others. “You” are out to get me nonsense based on some insecure fear they have. My wife’s has always been me and other women regardless of my actions or honesty. Ironic because she is the one who is an SA.


----------



## chasing_rainbows

DrunkenH said:


> Be careful what you admit to here, bud. According to some of the posters, you're little white lie means that you don't respect your wife.


I think maybe it depends on the context. Shooting the sh!t with the guys in the parking lot(no white lie needed for that scenario, IMO) is way different than, say, your wife saying she's doing an outdoor product photo shoot with a "dad" type and you find out after the fact that it's a 22yr old frat boy in swim trunks that she asked "is there a certain sunblock I should bring for you?"

My experience for the first 12yr of marriage, I was held to a pretty snug leash for the transgressions of a previous relationship he had with a serial cheater. And the above scenario, one of many, is what I've been attempting to move forward from for the past year. So, to me, there would have been no need to "avoid confrontation" if there hadn't been a double standard in place. I've been groomed to divulge every last detail about where I am, what I'm doing, there's no slack for any vague details with a "I see, you don't want to tell me where you were" comment. Do unto others as you would have done to you. (I'm sure I got that wrong, but you know what I mean) 

The OP's H is lying about having to train a female, if she were to lie about working directly with a male, I can't help thinking that H would have questions, too.

I guess, long story short, omit no details, however seemingly mundane. For me, when H said another shoot was planned with the "mom" type, I didn't say a word and my mind was at ease because he didn't omit the details.


----------



## livelaughlovenow

chasing_rainbows said:


> I think maybe it depends on the context. Shooting the sh!t with the guys in the parking lot(no white lie needed for that scenario, IMO) is way different than, say, your wife saying she's doing an outdoor product photo shoot with a "dad" type and you find out after the fact that it's a 22yr old frat boy in swim trunks that she asked "is there a certain sunblock I should bring for you?"
> 
> My experience for the first 12yr of marriage, I was held to a pretty snug leash for the transgressions of a previous relationship he had with a serial cheater. And the above scenario, one of many, is what I've been attempting to move forward from for the past year. So, to me, there would have been no need to "avoid confrontation" if there hadn't been a double standard in place. I've been groomed to divulge every last detail about where I am, what I'm doing, there's no slack for any vague details with a "I see, you don't want to tell me where you were" comment. Do unto others as you would have done to you. (I'm sure I got that wrong, but you know what I mean)
> 
> The OP's H is lying about having to train a female, if she were to lie about working directly with a male, I can't help thinking that H would have questions, too.
> 
> I guess, long story short, omit no details, however seemingly mundane. For me, when H said another shoot was planned with the "mom" type, I didn't say a word and my mind was at ease because he didn't omit the details.


What you said at the end about my dh having questions if my phone pocket dialed him and he "heard" a male but I told him it was a female, how would he feel... he kinda got it at that point, especially given past lies. That is the point. 
I love the drapes example, hence why I said not like "does this dress make me look fat" I didn't mean to imply lack of respect if I did... I just think after so many times and ebing caught, I don't think people on the flip side "the little while liars" consider the damage they do to the relationship. Like in this instance, I did not believe my husband at all, because he has told "white lies" in the past that he got caught about. It's better to just be honest in the beginning, and using the parking lot example in that case, wife and husband should've come to a compromise on a fair amount of time for husband to wind down with the guys.... instead he lies about it, and when she does find out she will be ten times madder than if he just told the truth to begin with and said, look, i enjoy this time, it's my me time... its just the guys, etc.


----------



## that_girl

I don't think my husband does. His answers are pretty raw, even when it would be a situation where he may think I'll get upset.

Me: "OH! Did you remember to call the bank to get those numbers for me?" (he said he would).

Him: "No."

:rofl: Not even an, "I'm getting to it right now!" Or "I will soon!" Just a No. Cracks me up. He did get me the numbers I needed that day, but he didn't sugar coat his answer.

He answers me like that a lot.

It's when he DOESN'T answer that I start to wonder if he wants to do it at all, etc.


----------



## donny64

tacoma said:


> No I don`t lie to my wife about anything other than anniversary/christmas plans.
> 
> There`s no need.
> 
> However, if she was constantly giving me crap about that most innocuous little things due to some extreme insecurity she had I could see how I might fall into that trap if I were a bit less experienced.
> (Not saying you do this just saying I could understand why a man might if this were the case)
> 
> She doesn`t and I`m not so we don`t have that problem.


I refuse to lie to her about pretty much anything. Like you said...and I said to her once...she can look through anything of mine and I don't care, other than I might be upset if computer history or email revealed some suprise gift, dinner, or plans. That is the only real fear I ever have of her snooping!

I tread cautiously on the "does this make me look fat" type of questions, but they get answered truthfully with a "that doesn't look good on you". She knows that when I give an answer, I'm not lying to save her feelings, so she can safely assume that when I say she looks great, she does. She seems to appreciate that...most of the time! 

I never lie about where I'm at or who I'm with. Well, check that, once in recent memory. About 8 months ago, and during our regular happy hour night, I told her I was stopping off at a project, then on to happy hour with the guys. Not true. I was headed straight to happy hour but didn't want her to know we'd all ditched work a couple hours early because we needed a break. I came clean on that a little while later and decided I'd never do that again because of the appearance it could create. 

When she asks me, I am where I say I am, I am with who I say I am, and am doing what I say I'm doing. I also do not lie by omission about such things. If I'm out with Tom, John, Steve and Sally, she'll know it when she asks me (Sally's name won't be left out). If the guys and I are hitting a strip club (just once in the last several years) she knows about it.

If she wants to give me crap about something, I won't be a mouse and scurry away from it by lying about it. If it is something that will greatly upset her, but yet if it's important enough that I want to do it, we'll have a conversation about it, I won't do it, or I'll just say "I'm doing this anyway". The "I'm doing this anyway" has never been the case with us because she's not insecure (I suppose because she knows I won't lie), and she's never requested I not do something (also because I don't attempt things I shouldn't be doing or that I know she'd be comfortable with). 

Lying is hiding. Real men don't hide (unless it's a positive benefit for the spouse like a suprise). They are honest about who they are, and what they're doing....take it or leave it. I've been that way from day one with my W. And she has never seen anything yet to give her even an inkling of "leaving it". She trusts me because I tell the truth, so what may have otherwise created insecurity in her before does not do so with me.


----------



## donny64

Oh, does it count if she asks if I cheated on my diet and I don't tell her about the cheeseburger for lunch?  Ok, I've done that....


----------



## happyinlove

DrunkenH said:


> Seriously, good for both of you. That's admirable.


Thank you. Sadly he does not have the same respect and finds it quite easy to lie to me. It doesn't matter how small the lie is - it still hurts


----------



## Maricha75

Nope. The only thing I am even REMOTELY evasive about is when I am getting HIM a gift. Other than that? No, I do NOT lie to my husband about anything, not even small things.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I am so brutally honest with my husband, even friends, I don't think some could handle me... but at the same time, this is one of the reasons I am so loved & respected by those who know me personally. I've tempered that down some over the years, meaning I have learned to use wisdom in expressing what I need to say with some grace -to not offend, or I try! 

But truly... it can be a double edged sword being married to someone like ME. My husband will say he happily takes the GOOD with the BAD... and trust.. he says I am "one in a million". 

He is accually very similar to me -except NOT as Brutal, I may have to DIG something out of him to get to the raw honest truth but If I ask.. He doesn't lie... and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

My thread on "*100% Transparency*" is pretty much how our communication is and has always been -since our dating years. He makes it EASY for me, I make it EASY for him. Always an "approachableness" in each of us.. also for our kids to come to us with ANYTHING. And a willingness to share ALL.


----------



## RandomDude

Nah I don't lie
I just omit 

Learnt that from the missus actually (ironic)
Useful actually, it's just "talking your way out of the truth!" lol



> My thread on "100% Transparency"


Transparency... that's the one thing I still don't agree with you about lol  

Besides do you still remember that time when the missus wanted her fingers in the pie? lol, nah, sometimes a man needs his secrets, like stuff in his shed or TAM.com! Wouldn't you agree? It was a disaster the last time


----------



## Maricha75

Trenton said:


> Good on you! I secretly want to punch you! :rofl:


Trenton, there was a time when I DID lie to him... I was evasive... I omitted details. And I was in my EA at the time. Since that time... I learned from that. I don't ever want to go down that road again. Sometimes he doesn't like what I have to say, but.... at least he's getting the honesty he wants, right?


----------



## ladybird

A lie is a lie, no matter how big or how small.


----------



## gbrad

daffodilly said:


> I sometimes tell my husband I don't remember what I paid for a new pair of shoes...just that they were on sale....:bsflag:





Trenton said:


> Hrm me too or I round down big time...by like $50.


This is so wrong. But atleast you are trying to spare him of knowing. At the same time, wont he be able to find out if he sees a large purchase on record at those stores?


----------



## gbrad

Maricha75 said:


> Nope. The only thing I am even REMOTELY evasive about is when I am getting HIM a gift. Other than that? No, I do NOT lie to my husband about anything, not even small things.


There are some things I wish my wife would lie about. Somethings I just would rather be spared the truth. 
Just one example- if I am out of the house for a while on the weekend and she is home. I don't want to come home and have her tell me she didn't do anything, just lounged around and took a nap. Don't tell me that part, atleast pretend like you did something around the house.


----------



## mel123

I tell the truth, even if I am going to get into trouble and I take my punishment, example (are you looking at porn ?). It is extremely rare for me to lie. However my wife lies to me often Grrrrrr....... lying damages trust and that is what relationships are built on.


----------



## 2ntnuf

I did not lie to my wife. I wanted all things to be shared and discussed if necessary. I have, however, made myself look like a liar by answering questions before I thought. She lied many times. Like others said, I believe for avoidance.


----------



## AFEH

livelaughlovenow said:


> He claims it was a hispanic man... I swear I heard a woman. He almost always has an excuse and rarely ever fesses up when actually caught... and changes the subject a bazillion times.... which he is doing right now.


That stuff can do your head in, some people should come with a health warning. Loss of trust can generate insecurity and anxiety and can bring a marriage tumbling down. In effect your husband deludes you with his lies and deceits, what you thought was real, isn’t.

Some people are just pathological, compulsive or habitual liars. For the effect of his lies on you it doesn’t really matter which type of liar he is, because the effect will be the same either way.

But if he ever thinks he has a problem and wants to do something about it which type of liar he is will be of significance as far as behavioural modification is concerned.


Even small lies are a deception, delusion, the worse type of lie is half of the truth.


----------



## AFEH

Lying can be a form of an ego defence mechanism. For example a person has done something wrong but instead of taking responsibility for it like an adult would they lie about it to cover it up.


It’s childish behaviour, like that of a four or five year old who hasn’t as yet been taught personal responsibility and the fundamental importance in all walks of life of personal credibility and integrity by their parents.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

RandomDude said:


> Transparency... that's the one thing I still don't agree with you about lol
> 
> Besides do you still remember that time when the missus wanted her fingers in the pie? lol, nah, sometimes a man needs his secrets, like stuff in his shed or TAM.com! Wouldn't you agree? It was a disaster the last time


Yes Random Dude, but if a relationship starts out on the premise of "*It's NOT A LIE if they don't ask about it*" ...basically the definition of omissions...so we smell like a rose..... I just don't feel it is "wise"...or will build lasting *TRUST*....in fact ...this often breeds *suspicion*. 

Your most hurtful words about your wife... was how you expressed your being most attracted to her personality - I believe. Yes, this would be very very difficult to read..as a woman, we all want to believe our men think we are the Cat's meow. I bet she doesn't think you are the King of the Hill either sometimes though, as if You are hotter than Ryan Gosling for example. Does any of us really measure up to the Hottest male or female. I doubt it. 

Doesn't mean we aren't physically attracted to each other though... obviously YOU ARE or you wouldn't be with her, not a stud like you- who had many pickings, women falling at your feet.

I guess I see a way of expressing near anything- but it takes some wisdom, forthought & some GRACE before we open our mouths .... this happens less if we talk to another person or on a secret forum- so when the sh** does hit the fan ---it can BE disasterous -because it then becomes a mountain of offense. It then = Hiding , then back peddling something we said in a heated moment --things get poured out more harshly than we meant. Wouldn't you say this was the case with that thread ? 

I'm not for secrets, if I can't handle hearing the truth of the matter, what do we really have ??? For me, so long as there is genuine love & a desire to remain with each other...work on it, help each other through it ...I feel a couple can soar over near ANYTHING.. I would never want to be with someone out of PITY or just keeping vows....while living a secret existence , feeling they can't come to me with anything on their heart. 










That would really bother me, I feel too many carry secrets around with them -cause they feel they CAN'T talk to their spouses, some may even want too- but the others *attitude* prevents it, this is also very difficult. I never wanted to be THAT person either. 

I think many expect near "perfection" from their partner, as if they could never uttter a flirty word to a co-worker or just do something that might offend, hurt.... it is easier to keep secrets...so one avoids the









It also helps one start walking in those secrets, this is the issue....in my opinion.


----------



## Sbrown

I spent my last marriage lieing about stupid crap just to keep the peace, it was exhausting. I swore i wouldn't do it again. My current wife and i are BRUTALLY honest with each other! I will not lie! 

LOL, but one time my wife lied to me about eating Chinese food with a female friend of hers (we were soooo broke so she thought I would be upset) but she almost immediately confessed, I just laughed at it for her being silly. But I still tease her about it to this day.


----------



## AFEH

I think you’ve hinted at one of the biggest parts of the problem with being deceitful.

It’s like the deceitful person needs an exceptionally good memory to be able to recall all their deceits at any one point in time. Whereas a person who is open and honest simply doesn’t have that need for a perfect memory.

It’s been my experience that the deceitful person not only deludes the person they are deceiving, but also in time end up deluding themselves. At some point in the future, they simply cannot recall what the truth of the situation actually was. It can get massively complex and you can end up with a spouse who appears to be truly deluded about the past in your marriage.


But there’s even more to it than that. The deceiver can actually become paranoid, in that they truly believe others are trying to deceive them, most especially their spouse. So the open and honest spouse is actually mistrusted and called a liar by way of projection. It no longer matters how much personal credibility and integrity the open and honest spouse has, as the deceiving spouse has deluded themselves and fundamentally believes that they are a liar.


Well done with changing your ways, modifying your behaviour. Honesty really is the best policy.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Trenton said:


> He said that he knew I sometimes fibbed on expenses but found it cute that I was so ridiculous not to know he could easily find out. He also said sometimes he wished I wasn't _that _honest otherwise.


I am frugally cheaper than my husband - so I never had this issue.. but he has..... sometimes he will take the kids to McDonalds & tell them they don't need to tell Mom (his sins of omission)...these are very silly & I think literally nothing of them. 

Months back, I was helping out in my Preschoolers Class & the Teacher works at this new Italian Restaurant in Town, she says to me she seen my Husband & one of our sons come in to eat...I was like ....."Oh really .....he didn't tell me about that ....hmmmm??" .... I stared laughing out loud (another sin of omission so I wouldn't think he was wasting $$).....I told her she BUSTED him -that he didn't tell me that ....and how I couldn't wait to get home & razz him about it. I wasn't mad at all, things like that are just no comparison to the Deeper things in life. The secrets that CAN accually lead to a bad place...

The fact Dad wants to treat his kids to a some burgers & pizza on the way home... really, that is sweet. And I love him for it. He is nicer than me -in this way ---sometimes anyway.


----------



## CandieGirl

I try not to lie to anybody. This weekend, a friend asked me to babysit her kid on Sunday afternoon; I told her I couldn't, that I had to go to my Mom's. I felt so bad, I got my husband to drive me over to my Mom's for the afternoon....


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I really dislike even the small fibs people tell...for instance.....I was once at a ladies house ..... she was cutting one of my kids's hair...my daughter hangs with hers....really NICE people, great family....

BUT... it put a sour taste in my mouth...after the phone rang, her oldest wanted to know if a friend could come over....the Mom told her to tell her they were getting ready to leave for a picNic..... Well, guess what, that was a BOLD FACED LIE... why she did that in front of me- had to be a slip up... 

But I knew they weren't going anywhere, nor getting ready to go... so I thought to myself... well heck, If I want my little girl to play with hers, I'll never trust her "excuses". 

What is wrong with just saying "it's not a good time" ...."We have people over".... "Mom is cranky" - I mean really, just be REAL. 

I see people brush other people off trying to come off "nice" all the time, but it is really just FAKE. I hate that. If you don't like someone & want them to stop bugging you -have enough balls to not keep them hanging on.


----------



## chasing_rainbows

AFEH said:


> But there’s even more to it than that. The deceiver can actually become paranoid, in that they truly believe others are trying to deceive them, most especially their spouse. *So the open and honest spouse is actually mistrusted and called a liar by way of projection. It no longer matters how much personal credibility and integrity the open and honest spouse has, as the deceiving spouse has deluded themselves and fundamentally believes that they are a liar.
> *


welcome to my world......
i've uncovered several lies, we've argued/discussed, blah blah blah, he says I need to not "keep bringing up the past", problem is that it's always the "recent" past, like last week when work was "so busy" he was staying in for lunch, but replied to my email from his Outlook on his cell phone...... he doesn't know that it comes over in a different format when you go through the Outlook Light version....

let's hope he can see that it's wrong and change that habit, I don't trust him anymore. But that's work he has to do, not me.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

waiwera said:


> See this gets my goat!!
> 
> So.... you'd rather lie about something and risk a HUGE upset than discuss an issue like a grown up and possibly have to deal with a unhappy (but small) confrontation.
> 
> I know in my marriage the lies always cause more upset than the stupid little things that were the original issue and seeing OP's post it seems i'm not alone in this thinking.
> 
> Sigh......
> 
> PS: I don't lie to my H about anything other than 'surprises' such as presents or parties. I certainly don't lie because he might 'growl me' or be upset... I'm more grown up than that!


But see, therein lies the problem. 

With some people you just can't discuss issues like a grown-up.

It's much easier to just avoid the confrontation altogether.

My husband had a TBI and a stroke. His brain doesn't work the same and he is not the same man I used to know.

Do I lie to him? Sure I do. Sometimes out of sheer necessity. He has terrible memory issues since the stroke. He'll constantly repeat himself and then ask me if he already told me. Well, I don't want to shove it down his throat that he told me a million times and forgot because it's not his fault he's forgetting--so should I tell him the truth and make him feel stupid, or lie? I would drather lie than make him feel any more stupid then HE already thinks he is.

All of us lie about something at one time or another. If you are late to work and blame it on traffic when you just got up late - LIE. When you say "I'm leaving right now" and you are still home or at work or the store or whereever - LIE. When your wife asks you "do I look fat" and you say no (but she really does) - LIE.

Then there's the lie of ommission. You go to WalMart, Target, wherever to buy groceries and pick up a pair of shoes or a dress or something for yourself. You go home and NEVER mention the dress or shoes, is that a lie? To some it is a lie of ommission--you didn't say anything, therefore you're hiding something so its a what - LIE.

EVERYONE LIES and anyone who says they don't - well, they LIE - it's the nature of the lie and the severity of it that is the real issue, not the lying itself as we are all human and we all lie (myself included).


----------



## MaritimeGuy

I don't think this is specific to a particular gender. It's specific to the individual. I don't lie mostly because my life is not that interesting that I need to lie about it but also because I'm too lazy to keep track of the lies. 

My ex-wife used to lie all the time. About even the stupidest things. Essentially, she would answer just about any question with what she thought you wanted to hear to follow the path of least resistance. And she was good at it too. You could watch her say something to someone you knew was a complete falsehood and she said it so convincingly you started to doubt your own recollection of the event.

I used to think it was cute when I saw her do it to other people. I thought with me she would never do that...at least not with anything important. What wonderful blinders we wear when we're in love.


----------



## AFEH

chasing_rainbows said:


> welcome to my world......
> i've uncovered several lies, we've argued/discussed, blah blah blah, he says I need to not "keep bringing up the past", problem is that it's always the "recent" past, like last week when work was "so busy" he was staying in for lunch, but replied to my email from his Outlook on his cell phone...... he doesn't know that it comes over in a different format when you go through the Outlook Light version....
> 
> let's hope he can see that it's wrong and change that habit, I don't trust him anymore. But that's work he has to do, not me.


The past isn’t a place they want to go to at all. They will go there when it suits their purpose, but they’ll do anything to avoid anyone else taking them there.

It’s in the past that their lies and deceits reside and so the past is the last place they want you to delve into.

People who deceive not only forget what the actual truth was, but also the lie they told about it. They forget their lies and their deceits so the very last thing they want is to be challenged about them and they will do anything to avoid it. This includes telling further lies, stonewalling, blame shifting/scapegoating etc.


----------



## Poison

I lied for months to my wife....well sorta. Not proud of it.....
I have trust issues with her.....she lies about little things, which makes me think there must be big things too. She will tell me a story about she is talking to so and so about life or work things. (she works with all men) I would find out later that the conversation was actually with another person than who she originally told me. It wouldn't make sense to me as to why she lied. The only thing I could come up with is she was worried I would react poorly if she told me the truth.(which I have done in the past) This still happens to this day......even tho I show little to no reaction to anyone she talks to. This is the part I am not proud of - So i bought this spy pen and put it in her purse to see if she was being honest with me....I can tell you she's not a cheater from what I could hear.... but she is a flirt with almost every man at her work and continues to lie about who she is actually talking to. The weird thing is if she just told me the truth in the beginning my mind wouldn't wander off track. This said, it was killing me that I was invading her privacy like this....again not proud of it.( I know I sound crazy here) I couldn't keep it a secret any longer and told her what I was doing. I can't figure out why she didn't leave me or get too upset. She's not happy about it...but I didn't get the reaction I thought I would. Clearly the girl love me! I feel as though I am not in a place to call her out on what I've heard because what I did is far worse than not being honest about a conversation.


----------



## chasing_rainbows

AFEH said:


> The past isn’t a place they want to go to at all. They will go there when it suits their purpose, but they’ll do anything to avoid anyone else taking them there.
> 
> It’s in the past that their lies and deceits reside and so the past is the last place they want you to delve into.
> 
> People who deceive not only forget what the actual truth was, but also the lie they told about it. They forget their lies and their deceits so the very last thing they want is to be challenged about them and they will do anything to avoid it. This includes telling further lies, stonewalling, blame shifting/scapegoating etc.


wow.... so you were that "fly" on our wall? 

the blame shifting/scapegoating is spot on.... i've been very clear that i just want the truth.... ugly or not.... his recent behavior has made me realize that i won't get it and i have to shift my focus to my kids and myself....


----------



## donny64

ladybird said:


> A lie is a lie, no matter how big or how small.


True, but what's at the core of the lie makes all the difference in the world to who the lie is being told to.

I could care less that my W had a burger instead of a salad for lunch, or that her new purse cost her $100 instead of $50. No health issues, no money issues with us, so what skin is it off my back? These lies do not give me pause to think "why would she lie if there was nothing to lie about"? What's the impact?

On the other hand, lie to me about being home when you're not, or about someone not staying in your home when they in fact are...now we have a problem. A serious one. Because the lie makes me wonder "why lie if there's no reason to?", and the only logical conclusion is because something is being hidden. Something serious. 

Sometimes people want to classify a little lie as a "white lie" because they themselves know nothing inappropriate is going on and it's "harmless". BUT, they're not looking at the _appearance_ it could give to the person being lied to. If it could give the appearance of inappropriate behavior, then it IS NOT a "white lie". It's all about consideration. I'd never put my W in a place where she had to doubt me about serious things. I expect the same from her.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

> My husband had a TBI and a stroke. His brain doesn't work the same and he is not the same man I used to know.
> 
> Do I lie to him? Sure I do. Sometimes out of sheer necessity. He has terrible memory issues since the stroke. He'll constantly repeat himself and then ask me if he already told me. Well, I don't want to shove it down his throat that he told me a million times and forgot because it's not his fault he's forgetting--so should I tell him the truth and make him feel stupid, or lie? I would drather lie than make him feel any more stupid then HE already thinks he is.


 This is utterly a different situation to be in. I can surely see why you do what you do here...as there would be nothing frutiful gained in speaking truthfully when it would only make him feel worse for something he can not control, it serves zero purpose ~ with the nature of his condition. 

I can even understand why people "white lie" it up many times....because if all you will get in return is judgement, backlash, an argument war, verbal defences ....and we KNOW this... you learn real quick, it ain't worth the hassle in dealing with that person. But this surely chews into heartfelt communication in those relationships. ....for others who have healthy minds & should be able to handle & welcome the truth. 

I really feel blessed my husband is the way he is, cause I LIKE being REAL, I don't want to fake it, hide it or try to downplay my feelings on anything.. And I so want this from him also. If someone was a fly on our wall, they would likely be surprised just how darn OPEN we are with each other in ways others might shudder. But it works for us....honest to God ! 

I might get him to do a post later on his take.


----------



## AFEH

donny64 said:


> True, but what's at the core of the lie makes all the difference in the world to who the lie is being told to.
> 
> I could care less that my W had a burger instead of a salad for lunch, or that her new purse cost her $100 instead of $50. No health issues, no money issues with us, so what skin is it off my back? These lies do not give me pause to think "why would she lie if there was nothing to lie about"? What's the impact?
> 
> On the other hand, lie to me about being home when you're not, or about someone not staying in your home when they in fact are...now we have a problem. A serious one. Because the lie makes me wonder "why lie if there's no reason to?", and the only logical conclusion is because something is being hidden. Something serious.
> 
> Sometimes people want to classify a little lie as a "white lie" because they themselves know nothing inappropriate is going on and it's "harmless". BUT, they're not looking at the _appearance_ it could give to the person being lied to. If it could give the appearance of inappropriate behavior, then it IS NOT a "white lie". It's all about consideration. I'd never put my W in a place where she had to doubt me about serious things. I expect the same from her.


If a person has a value system such that they have a need to deceive about the smallest of things to cover themselves for some reason or another, they sure as heck aren’t going to be concerned with lying and deceiving about the really big things.


Personal credibility and integrity aren't optional values depending upon a given situation, they are absolute values applied to all situations.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

CandieGirl said:


> I try not to lie to anybody. This weekend, a friend asked me to babysit her kid on Sunday afternoon; I told her I couldn't, that I had to go to my Mom's. I felt so bad, I got my husband to drive me over to my Mom's for the afternoon....


My wife really has a hard time lying. Her mom has Alzhiemers and as the symptoms progressed, it was so difficult for my wife to lie to her mother to calm her down. She recognizes the need and does so now, but I know it is not easy.

I don't like to either, but found my self lying to my wife yesterday. I forgot my wallet at home, so had no money for lunch. My wife told me, then said she was going to come in to bring me lunch or some money. It would have been 75 minutes out of her day and required rounding up the kids. I did not want to do that to her just because I was an idiot. So, I told her I had money in my desk. Technically true, because I used the extra change to get something from the snack machine, but really a lie. I don't like the feeling so I won't do it again.


----------



## chillymorn

no I don't lie about little things or big things.

I find life much eaiser when your as truthfull as can be. and the respect you get from it is very rewarding.


----------



## AFEH

chasing_rainbows said:


> wow.... so you were that "fly" on our wall?
> 
> the blame shifting/scapegoating is spot on.... i've been very clear that i just want the truth.... ugly or not.... his recent behavior has made me realize that i won't get it and i have to shift my focus to my kids and myself....


You too can learn to be the fly on your own wall!

I found that when trying to uncover “the truth” with my wife my emotions became such that they blinded me to what was actually going on. It’s like two egos locked together in the dynamic of one person trying their best to uncover the truth, the other trying their best to keep it hidden.


There’s another form of Consciousness other than the Ego Consciousness, it’s called the Observer Consciousness. It’s the eyes of that detached, uninvolved and all seeing fly on the wall. Anthony de Mello describes it and teaches it in his book Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.


----------



## SA's husband

My wife likes to be informed. There is nothing I can't tell her, she does not get offended easily. She doesn't like sugar coating. And I don't want to lie to her. She is my soulmate.


----------



## Pandakiss

i think i lie all the time. yes dear, those eggs were cooked perfect, i just didnt want to eat most of them, so left you half...yea really...

candy bar, what candy bar...oh, i think i hid it from the kids, lets go out and buy some more...

i have been logged in, and typing on tam, husband comes in, startes closing windows, and starting his thing...."oh, were you on...???"

no, go ahead...

he will text me and ask if i washed out his uniform...yea, washed and drying now...when i really forgot, and im washing it now..

"are you really watching this life time movie..??" no, you can change it...

and my fav..
have you been in my comic books?. no, why [clearly i have because its all arranged and neatly organized]

does it matter...?? maybe maybe not. i am also guilty of rounding down.


----------



## gbrad

SA's husband said:


> My wife likes to be informed. There is nothing I can't tell her, she does not get offended easily. She doesn't like sugar coating. And I don't want to lie to her. She is my soulmate.


The part wher eyou mention that she does not get offended easily, that is the key point. when people are in relationships with others who do get offended easily, it makes it quite hard to be honest all of the time.


----------



## RandomDude

@SA

Well I do believe in honesty, it's just that the full 100% is very difficult to even fathom, especially in my relationship.

Sometimes one has to make sure the bunker is built before dropping the A-bombs!  I only have one left for now (which is on the other thread)... and although the bomb is a substantially less destructive one, have to prevent her from breaking a nail  hehe

*A "lie" now, the truth later - at the RIGHT time*
In other words


----------



## SimplyAmorous

RandomDude said:


> @SA
> 
> Well I do believe in honesty, it's just that the full 100% is very difficult to even fathom, especially in my relationship.
> 
> Sometimes one has to make sure the bunker is built before dropping the A-bombs!  I only have one left for now (which is on the other thread)... and although the bomb is a substantially less destructive one, have to prevent her from breaking a nail  hehe
> 
> *A "lie" now, the truth later - at the RIGHT time*
> In other words


Hey Random, you don't have to rationalize ...I don't feel everyone needs to be like us..like your comment, some DO need the Bunker built -that was good ! ha ha









There are a few things my husband has said to me - that I just know some women would think....







....call him disrespectful (talk about the dog house, he'd never live it down)....and things I have said to him -that would get the same response. But we ask for it. Well, I DO anyway!! He just kinda puts up with me probably.. but he swears he wouldn't change me. 

It means a great deal to me that I can ask him ANYTHING, he doesn't try to dodge me, walk away or say something just to pacify me...for me, that would be so very much worse. What I give in return is ...not flipping out, listening & trying to understand anothers viewpoint. 

Levels of transparency is only an issue if 1 partner starts feeling the other is being too secretive & it is causing a rising "questioning" of motives / insecurity in the relationship..... if none of that is going on, then Live & let live. Be happy!

For those who feel they have to build a Bomb shelter to be honest with their wives....well darn TELL HER this IS how you feel and until she can get a handle on handling those kinds of truths, you will be protecting yourself. I fully "get what you are saying .


----------



## NaturalHeart

I don't know why a lie is better than the truth...but I guess some feel justified with "not hurting her with the truth".... or "telling the truth get turned into accusations"...


----------



## 40isthenew20

I believe that we all keep some small things from our spouses. Especially sexual in nature. In my case, my LD wife is the vanilla sex subscriber and I like to do a lot more than that. So my porn sites may include something out of the ordinary. I don't go and give her play by play of my jerking off sessions and she doesn't care to hear it. 

Is that so bad? Not IMO and I'm not out there cheating on here to get off. I've tried to introduce some of these things into our sex life but have been met with either total or partial resistance.


----------



## RandomDude

@SimplyAmorous



> It means a great deal to me that I can ask him ANYTHING, he doesn't try to dodge me, walk away or say something just to pacify me...for me, that would be so very much worse. What I give in return is ...not flipping out, listening & trying to understand anothers viewpoint.


Ah! Now that seems ideal, I guess if my wife didn't flip out, actually listened, and tried to understand before she spent a few hours running around with her hair on fire... then I might maybe consider 100% transparency.

That's the key to transparency right there. I wonder if one day she'll actually figure it out.



> For those who feel they have to build a Bomb shelter to be honest with their wives....well darn TELL HER this IS how you feel and until she can get a handle on handling those kinds of truths, you will be protecting yourself. I fully "get what you are saying .


Lol if I tell her that, the only thing that will come to her mind will be "what is he hiding?", and will try to find the bomb as soon as possible lol - and then she will be annoyed by me having the bomb in the first place.

I don't think I can be the one to help her figure it out in this it seems. But I'm also starting to see the possibility of transparency and how it can work.


----------



## nandosbella

the only things i lie about are whether or not i've eaten beef for lunch (my hubs is Hindu so i dont eat beef around him out of repsect) and how much things cost. 

he's brown and "proud to be cheap" as russell peters would say... i have been known to split things up and pay with different credit cards so it's harder for him to tell how much i actually spent. 

that's about it.. i'd never lie about anything important.


----------



## livnlearn

yep.. Like when I have a day off alone and he calls and asks what I'm up to, I'll say "cleaning and doing laundry"...when actually I've done nothing but sit on the computer for hours. The things is..if I said "I've done absolutely nothing productive today", he would say "good for you..you deserve a day to rest". So why lie?? for myself I guess. :scratchhead:

and he lies to me too. Like several times a week when I ask what he ate that day because he (claims to be ) trying to eat healthier. and he always says "nothing..I was so busy at work I didn't have a chance to eat"..or "I just ate fruit". Then I find fast food wrappers and bags of chips stuffed under his car seat.

we've been lying to each other about similar stuff for 30+ years now and I can't imagine we will stop now.

and knowing that he lies about things like eating fast food does NOT make me question the bigger things in our marriage...and the same can be said when he catches me in little white lies. 

for us, there are absolutely degrees of lying..those that are acceptable..and those that would be deal breakers.


----------



## cashybum

tobio said:


> My husband is a kidder. Started off being funny but drives me up the wall now! Thing is as well as being a wind-up merchant, he kids about completely inconsequential things. The trouble is with this is that often he doesn't explain away that he's fibbing and I can go on for days thinking he's told me the truth about something. I'll then bring it up a few days later saying, "we have to sort such-and-such a phone call/bill out/etc" and he'll say no we don't, I did that days ago, and I'll be like, hang on, but you said, and he'll say, no, he was joking like I'm supposed to realise he would joke about having made a really mundane phone call?
> 
> Do I lie? Not generally. I have made up stories to cover up birthday surprises and things like that but no I don't lie about small things.
> 
> Does he lie? Yes - apart from above. He has omitted to tell me things or lied or also deliberately manipulated the truth to tell me something but make it sound different if that makes sense?


I think we married the same man!

Lieing is so stupid an I wish my husband would figure that out because WHEN I catch him, it's just going to be something I use against him later. 

If you feel the need to lie about something then you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place or you need to grow some balls and fight for what you want! Keep in mind that marriage is about compromise..


----------



## gbrad

livnlearn said:


> yep.. Like when I have a day off alone and he calls and asks what I'm up to, I'll say "cleaning and doing laundry"...when actually I've done nothing but sit on the computer for hours. The things is..if I said "I've done absolutely nothing productive today", he would say "good for you..you deserve a day to rest". So why lie?? for myself I guess. :scratchhead:
> 
> and he lies to me too. Like several times a week when I ask what he ate that day because he (claims to be ) trying to eat healthier. and he always says "nothing..I was so busy at work I didn't have a chance to eat"..or "I just ate fruit". Then I find fast food wrappers and bags of chips stuffed under his car seat.
> 
> we've been lying to each other about similar stuff for 30+ years now and I can't imagine we will stop now.
> 
> and knowing that he lies about things like eating fast food does NOT make me question the bigger things in our marriage...and the same can be said when he catches me in little white lies.
> 
> for us, there are absolutely degrees of lying..those that are acceptable..and those that would be deal breakers.


I wish my wife would lie to me about stuff like that. I get so mad when she says she was home and laid around and did nothing all day. Though if she told me she cleaned or something it would be hard to believe her because she never does. As for the food, she doesn't hide that either, come on try and be a little healthier.


----------



## Caribbean Man

WyshIknew said:


> Couple of nights ago.
> 
> Wife "Are you on that damned TAM site again"
> 
> Me "Errrrrr no" (quickly presses windows key).


^^^^^^^^^^^
This one gets my vote!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

RandomDude said:


> @SimplyAmorous
> 
> Ah! Now that seems ideal, I guess if my wife didn't flip out, actually listened, and tried to understand before she spent a few hours running around with her hair on fire... then I might maybe consider 100% transparency.
> 
> That's the key to transparency right there. I wonder if one day she'll actually figure it out.


 Yes...it's probably on the rare side to get 2 who can do this, plus want to share so openly (some are just more private people)... but yeah...this is the key... I dislike Faking so much... I'd rather someone be rude to me than put on a  when they hate me. I can deal with honesty - no matter what it is. 

It helps me "adjust" my own behavior if it is hurting someone -or to not waste my time with them. That works for me...I respect it more... I tell my children "a Lie" is worse than an offense to me. So If I catch them in one, they better believe the FIRE is going to be ALOT hotter. There is nothing they can't bring to us that we can't handle together. 

I guess I don't feel any of us are serial killers & out to slice our partners with a knife...nor is anything my kids can do (even getting a chick pregnant or trying pot -etc -it is not the end of the world).... so whatever is on their mind -in my view... is just HUMAN...and it doesn't have to resort to this behavior ....







...and defences to the high heavens running around like this







. 



> Lol if I tell her that, the only thing that will come to her mind will be "what is he hiding?", and will try to find the bomb as soon as possible lol - and then she will be annoyed by me having the bomb in the first place.


 Your replies are really making me laugh here Random Dude. I told my husband about your post about the Bomb Shelter, he liked that. He understands where you are coming from too. 



> *livnlearn said*: yep.. Like when I have a day off alone and he calls and asks what I'm up to, I'll say "cleaning and doing laundry"...when actually I've done nothing but sit on the computer for hours. The things is..if I said "I've done absolutely nothing productive today", he would say "good for you..you deserve a day to rest". So why lie?? for myself I guess.


 In our marraige, it might go like this... He'll ask me what I did today..."I'll look at him like a cat caught with a mouse in her mouth & say "absolutely nothing, I've been a Lazy bum- sittin' on my a$$ haggling on TAM... just waiting for you to come home & rescue me from my boredom" .....

...And he'd just  , hug me anyway. We all have days like that.... other times, I'll have an impressive list of things I ran doing & he'll think "glad you did it and not me!". 

I couldn't fathom not saying the raw truth of whatever it is...to my husband. That would be "new" for me. 



> and he lies to me too. Like several times a week when I ask what he ate that day because he (claims to be ) trying to eat healthier. and he always says "nothing..I was so busy at work I didn't have a chance to eat"..or "I just ate fruit". Then I find fast food wrappers and bags of chips stuffed under his car seat.


 Why does he do this, he must assume you are going to be upset with him then. 

See, I look at it like this ......sure these are very small things (no doubt)... nothing that is going to matter in the big picture, you are faithful /he is faithful... (except maybe in his health-given the junk food)... But by speaking the truth ....this can also help us become "more accountable" to each other... we won't want to keep saying "I screwed up today, broke down & ate 5 candy bars & blew off the salad". So just saying it like it is .... can also give the desire for change. Cause we want to please our spouses, be real ...and ourselves. 

Anything can become a habit, so can these little white tales...sounds the case here. 




> for us, there are absolutely degrees of lying..those that are acceptable..and those that would be deal breakers.


 I agree, there are degrees. Even I will do this white lying thing, depending, not with close friends... but for example -someone I DON'T know their character, what they are capable of.....

This kid in school wants my son to come to his house, he gave his # , the Mom -we've heard she did drugs, unfit Bf's in & out, the kid is accident prone , last birthday party a relative stole all his birthday $$, I mean, I am NOT comfortable with my son hanging at that house. It is not going to happen. 

I don't mind if he comes to OUR HOUSE where I can keep an eye on them. I feel a little bad for him, he needs friends too, can't help what he has been raised in.... So when she calls, I'm not going to blurt all of that out, but Yeah, I'm going to have to come up with a way to get the conversation out from under him going to her house. It's very awkward and of course I don't want to offend this woman...but yet... I don't want to keep my son from enjoying this friend, maybe we can be an influence on his life. I don't know. 

Life is difficult sometimes.


----------

