# need men's advice



## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

Hi guys

my husband wanted divorce because of me keep pressuring him and nagging him. He thinks we had no solution and he didn't want to try anymore. He was the lovely man I had ever met and now turned into a stranger in few days that I didn't even know. 

He refused to talk/text/email. We are in long distance now. He's 2000 miles away from me and not willing to reply my text. Haven't talked to him for 10 days and just text him yesterday with the agreement on break up. However, I think I still kind of wanted to save my relationship. What do I do. He sent the news out by email and we haven't met up for almost 4 mths now. The break up happened around 4 weeks ago. Please help.

At first I did all the plead, beg, sorry..etc. Now I tried to stay calm but failed yesterday by sending him some text..what's my next step. I truly running out of solution. Meeting up will help or it's the end? Please advice and please explain why he's very mad and distant from me, not willing to talk and rush out to the divorce. I think no affair in our solution.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If it is happening that fast, he is in an affair.


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

I think it might not be the case since he just relocate to the country. However, after 7 days of our break up, he stop calling me my nickname and sending me a very cruel email. He was still agreeing on the MC on dec 30, however on jan 1 sent me a very cruel email saying that from that time he would only communicate through email about our divorce.

Surprisingly, he replied my message today. I sent him a message and he replied instantly. He said he was rush to go out and could only talk a bit, then I said never mind next time......we stopped talk for 10 days already. What does that mean? He start to open up himself?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Interesting! Has he started working for a new company? If he isn't having an affair, them it must be stressed related. You really need to find out what is going on with him.


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

dormant said:


> Interesting! Has he started working for a new company? If he isn't having an affair, them it must be stressed related. You really need to find out what is going on with him.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

he hasn't start the new job yea..will be in few months..we were arguing about the location and job though because i don't want to relocate


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

willibeok said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> he hasn't start the new job yea..will be in few months..we were arguing about the location and job though because i don't want to relocate


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

we actually talked for an hour last night. I told him what i thought he did wrong in our marriage and he agreed. i told him i agree the breakup etc ...i was surprised he's willing to talk. He said he didnt have anything to talk but he wanted to be polite. But i think on the phone he seem cried a bit. When i asked rather he had anything to tell me honestly about divorce..he said instantly he truly didn't have affair and he didn't text email etc. I said it doesn't matter. 

He said he would fly back and see me after he graduate from school this may. I asked could i ser him and he said he would just be there i could go over anytime but he didn't know what to talk when i saw him.

What should i do? should i go there or what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

dormant said:


> If it is happening that fast, he is in an affair.


Yep.


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

well, I think he was unhappy for few months already. Was fluctuating about the idea of divorce and finally something trigger him or what I don't know. I knew he was unhappy, and felt the pressure since we always argued. 

Now I tried to be happy myself and I tried to not talk to him too much. However, since if there is no talk, I do not see how the marriage can be saved at all.

Since the news of bomb dropping off, it's been 1 month now. What's my next move? I have no idea what to do anymore


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

How long are you married? 

How long did you pressure him?

What did you nag him and argue about?


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

Marry for 1.5 years. He said he was fluctuating for 0.5 year. We basically argued alot about daily life and since we move from west to east and he went back to school/I work, we were arguing on the small staff, eg. family, job and location after school, and I got pissed on small staff and he had pressure from job and school.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You weren't married too long. Most of that was filled with arguing when it should have been filled with romance and good memories. You weren't ready for marriage. I can't tell you what to do. I'm sure your H is disappointed and thinks he made a mistake trusting you to be his wife. Best to make your self a better person and learn from what has happened. Some day he might forgive you.


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

I think both of us were not ready for the marriage. It's obviously the true. I have been reading tons of the book recently and totally understand what's wrong between us. I just felt I need some time to prove that we could make that work. However given we were miles apart, I didn't know how to prove at all...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Well, you could tell him what you learned and send him a book too. What could it hurt, he already wants a divorce. 
But continue to improve yourself for the future. 

Here are two;

"The Five Love Languages"

"His Needs, Her Needs"


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

That was what I was planing to do, but I just afraid he would think that I disagree with his divorce decision and still wanting him to read the book.

Now the only thing I am not sure is...should I go there and see him for a long weekend.....or it won't help at all?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If you want. Don't pressure him, just tell him you'd like to talk. You know he made up his mind and your not there to change it. Discuss what you've learned from what happened to the marriage and how that knowledge change your thoughts about how a relationship should be.


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

We are very far apart and so for me, the only meaning to fly there is to see him and hope we will have change. However, I do not think I will mention anything about it in our meeting if I really see him. If by doing so, I do not know how he notice my change given we do not talk about R and we only have like 4 days time to spend together


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

I will tell you what I would tell my own daughter, turn your back to him and forget him, the more you pursue him, the more he will pull away, every single phone call, email or text, drives him further away. If he does not pursue you, move on without him. If you continue like this, you will prolong your sadness.

T


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

we talked a bit in these few days about our problem. He seems more willing to talk than before. During our conversation, I always pretend I am fine and he did cry a bit on the phone. Both of us agreed that we would tell each other if we have new relationship before we legally separated. 

We agreed to meet up, I haven't decided yet. He told me he thinks when we meet up he might cry again because he didn't think he could be emotionless. 

I tried to not send any text message to him. I tried to create a bit distance to give him some space. What should I do next? Is it a good start now that he is more willing to talk?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Did you read a book yet?

Home | The 5 Love Languages®


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

Did you read a book yet?

Home | The 5 Love LanguagesŽ (Home | The 5 Love Languages®)

whats that?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

A book about what a marriage should be. 

Aren't you going to tell him what you have learned?


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

I read many books already and told him what I have learned on the phone yesterday. I guess that's on of the reason he cried because I discussed all those problems with him.

On the phone I just told him that I agreed with him about our divorce and never ask to get back together. I didn't know rather or not there is hope between us.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Okay. I wasn't sure you had that conversation.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

willibeok said:


> On the phone I just told him that I agreed with him about our divorce *and never ask to get back together*. I didn't now rather or not there is hope between us.


It is good you did this, _"and never ask to get back together"_, that causes him to think, it makes him wonder if he no longer has control of your feelings for him. I would not talk to him again until he makes the first effort to talk to you (text, email, phone, nothing).

T


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

Tony55 said:


> It is good you did this, _"and never ask to get back together"_, that causes him to think, it makes him wonder if he no longer has control of your feelings for him. I would not talk to him again until he makes the first effort to talk to you (text, email, phone, nothing).
> 
> T


I am not sure whether he will contact me at all, but he did need to update me with the lawyer progress etc. He also said he would try his best to not having very emotional reaction when I text/talk to him.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

willibeok said:


> I am not sure whether he will contact me at all, but he did need to update me with the lawyer progress etc. He also said he would try his best to not having very emotional reaction when I text/talk to him.


Your name asks the question, 'will I be ok'. I believe the stronger you are now, there more likely you will be ok later.

T


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

we webcam today and he cried again. He said even I compromised he thinks he already made up his mind, but he said it's good for me to think about rather or not I can relocate. However, he said he believed moving back is not what I want.....

I do not understand if he cried, at least it seem like he still loves me..then why we need to divorce instead of working out problem


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## willibeok (Jan 19, 2013)

I truly wanted to get my husband back..and I kept asking rather or not I can compromise on the location. I think I did...but he said even i compromise, nothing will change help...


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