# Is it normal....or Im just over reacting?



## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

I have this question which keeps bugging me and I hope others will help me out here. Well, first I should mention that my marriage is going thru a rough patch, so many issues. But the one thing I've been asking myself is hubby's failure to recognise any change in his sorroundings as normal/abnormal. I make major redecorations in the house,he never notices the change. I do a makeover, never comments. Even if I'm wearing new clothes, he can't even take notice. 

I embarked on a weight loss & fitness program last year and lost a considerable amount of weight, hubby never at any point motivated me or congratulated me on the weight loss. I only got that from my son. Is it normal for men to act like this or he just does'nt care? The thing that confuses me is that when friends or relatives come to the house they do notice if there has been some major changes and I often get compliments now and again from other people on my weightloss. Any one with an idea of what is going on or have experienced this, please share. Thanks.


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## kristinlloyd (Apr 22, 2010)

Well, there are many reasons that he might not notice. 
Does he travel a lot for work? Does he have a stressful job? Is he a workaholic? Is he home a lot? Do you spend a lot of time together/apart? How often do you have conversations other than to-do lists and household discussions? When was the last time you discussed hopes, dreams and things you want to accomplish (separately or together)? 

It's common to get into a routine after a period of time and the routine is comfortable and convenient. Making changes to that can be scary and difficult to handle, but not always. 

I'm not sure if the "rough patch" in your marriage at all correlates with your hubby not noticing things, but that is possible as well. Sometimes it is easier not to notice things, as to not rock the boat and instigate anything. It could be an avoidance to confrontation.

Additionally, just because there may be reasons that he doesn't notice, it does not mean they are excuses. It could be conscious or sub-conscious on his part, but if there is a reduced amount of communication (or lack of for any reason) between the two of you, then mentioning or noticing something might open a can of worms he'd rather leave unopened. 

Also is it possible that he has acknowledged you non-verbally? Has he given you flowers or taken you out after you finished a project or at the end of your weight loss? Has he acknowledged any of your accomplishments in a non-verbal way? 

Also, how often do you talk to each other - and what do you talk about? 

That's probably a good start!  

~Kristin


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I would suggest googling love languages and having both of you read about them. Get over to 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

Read about love banks. 

It sounds like you might be words of affirmation. If he is something else. it might be difficult for him to "get" your desire for affirmation. If you read about it together from some third party source, that may help.

Good luck.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Maybe he's uncomfortable showing affection? If u can, get him to read a book called "for men only" by shaunti Feldhahn. It's pretty good for trying to explain what's going on in the emotional world of women. You can also read "for women only" by the same author. Explains why men think the way they do, mostly. While a little slanted towards religion, it's only minimally, but the topics are useful and insightful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

Thank you all for the responses and advice. To answer the question from kristinlloyd's post, well I must say H is a workaholic such that we hardly spend a lot of time together. I spend most of my time with the kids than him. RIght now as I writing this post (7:46pm), he is not yet home, Im with my 2 boys, and does not even call to say he will be late, just assuming he is at work. For most days, he gets home late in the evenings, has dinner, falls asleep, that's the routine.Weekends are worse, I spend almost the whole weekend alone with the boys. The situation has been like this for a while such that when I wish we could have a conversation, all he wants is to sleep, sometimes falls asleep on the couch. This has been going on for the past few years and has resulted in us drifting apart.

He does not acknowledge any of my accomplishments non-verbally. Sometimes, I even ask him what he thinks of something I have done, after a few days of doing it, just to draw his attention to it and its only then that he realises the change. The response I ussually get is "I hadn't notice the change". As for the weightloss , I once made a comment on the significant weight I had lost in 1 week and he only said "so its working for you" kinda expected more than that to be honest. I must say the communication is lacking and we hardly talk about "us", so to speak, ussually its about the kids or tasks that need to be done and that would be it. 

Guess a lot of work need to be done in our marriage.


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