# Still having problems, don't want sex right now, suddenly she does... what to do?



## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

Sorry to ask for perhaps dumb advice, but this forum is a great place and tends to make me feel less stupid, so, here goes. 

Wife and I have been having a variety of troubles in recent years - biggest issue, I feel ignored, taken for granted, and things finally blew up a few weeks ago. Our sex life had been extraordinary for many years, but several years ago it became awful, boring, routine, and infrequent - poor quality sex and only three or four times a month. 

Since our meltdown second week of June, I informed her she had to do something to fix the overall problem or our relationship of more than 20 years was doomed. Thus far, she has gone to one therapy session and has another scheduled for this Wednesday. There have been no notable changes at home except for half a dozen crying sessions and a lot of apologies - however, she's done those in the past as well and nothing ever changed. 

For the first time since I met her, I genuinely am not interested in having sex with her right now. That is an extremely bizarre place for me to be! I told her two weeks ago, not trying to be an a$$ or anything, but until things got better, I just wasn't comfortable having sex, she said she understood, and that was that. Now, for the last several nights, she's sheepishly asking if we can have sex and I still really don't want to. I've tried explaining I'm not doing this to use sex against her. It's not like she's putting on exotic lingerie or going to any extremes in the last several nights, she just says she "misses me." 

Honestly, until I see and feel a genuine change in overall attitude, I still have my shields up. Sex has always been a big deal for me, but I cannot separate it from the issues of trust, faith, and respect. I would LOVE to suddenly have my sex drive switch turned back on (because frankly, it's never been turned off before), but until something changes for the better, I'm just not feeling like having sex. 

By the same token, I don't want her to feel like she's trying to do something positive, but I'm pushing her away. I've tried explaining we have bigger problems right now than just sex, but so far, that doesn't seem to be sinking in. 

Soooo... should I just have basic sex and be done with it, or would doing so just make things continue along the same rancid path they're on? 

Thanks everybody! :scratchhead:


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

IMO - withholding will hurt you in the long run.

You need it for bonding. 

Rejecting her will add to your troubles, becuase she will feel you are checked out of the M.

Having sex will probably ease the pain of some of the other issues.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

how about some good old fashioned necking / petting / first & second base stuff for a few nights to see if your feelings can be awakened. Just some closeness, laying on the couch behind her, watching tv, etc?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

bild-a-loco said:


> Soooo... should I just have *basic sex* and be done with it, or would doing so just make things continue along the same rancid path they're on?


What you describe as 'basic sex' I am understanding as just that...sex with no desire.

If you did ' basic sex' would you show emotion or are you just talking about going through the motions?

Would you be doing this so she could get her 'O'? 
If you didn't get your 'O' she may feel like you no longer desire her.

I agree with the above poster. Make out...hold her, kiss her, let her know you love her, but I wouldn't have just 'basic sex'...wait until you're ready. I would want it to count for 'Full fledged sex'...make your effort count!!!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I don't know what your issues are. But I know that when I don't feel like having sex, that is exactly what I need.

I always feel so much better afterwards. 

But I agree with the other posters. Make out, hold each other, go slow and get comfortable with each other before taking the plunge.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

What makes sex a big deal for you? What do you get from sex when you have it with your wife?


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> What makes sex a big deal for you? What do you get from sex when you have it with your wife?


Hi Tall, you know me from my post in the general forum about the disaster that was my 50th birthday. I used to get quite a bit of absolute euphoric bliss from having sex with my wife - we had a really wild and fantastic sex life. Then it turned into a really boring, basic sex life, and now, thanks to the developments you know about, I don't have any sexual desire at all. Sex was a huge part of our relationship for many years, but then it got extremely watered down, and now, thanks to a long-term pattern of over all neglect from her, I just don't want to make myself vulnerable again or give her any indications that our situation has gotten any better - because it hasn't. 

In no minced words, I told her that until I didn't feel like I was being treated like a used thrift store door mat, I probably wouldn't be overly amorous. I still feel like a thrift store door mat. I'm almost done reading NMMNG book and am reading another one that was recommended to me. Other than seeing her therapist, wife hasn't really done anything out of the ordinary except the aforementioned crying and apologies. 

To the other posts, thanks. I'm certainly not opposed to cuddling or any of that - I do still love this woman, it's just that she's shown a long pattern of being inattentive to me and it finally reached critical mass and exploded. 

She is aware of what the problems are, I'm on this board and reading several different blogs, as well as talking with my therapist and reading two books for ideas. She is reading books about Christmas recipes. We have a bigger over all problem than just sex - my problem at this moment is kind of like the old Victorian women I suppose - should I just close my eyes and think of England? :scratchhead:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bild-a-loco said:


> Hi Tall, you know me from my post in the general forum about the disaster that was my 50th birthday. I used to get quite a bit of absolute euphoric bliss from having sex with my wife - we had a really wild and fantastic sex life. Then it turned into a really boring, basic sex life, and now, thanks to the developments you know about, I don't have any sexual desire at all. Sex was a huge part of our relationship for many years, but then it got extremely watered down, and now, thanks to a long-term pattern of over all neglect from her, I just don't want to make myself vulnerable again or give her any indications that our situation has gotten any better - because it hasn't.


Let me guess. The watering down and lackened sexual intensity, translated into a watered down and lackened sexual desire in you... Hopefully that has not turned into ED.



bild-a-loco said:


> In no minced words, I told her that until I didn't feel like I was being treated like a used thrift store door mat, I probably wouldn't be overly amorous. I still feel like a thrift store door mat. I'm almost done reading NMMNG book and am reading another one that was recommended to me. Other than seeing her therapist, wife hasn't really done anything out of the ordinary except the aforementioned crying and apologies.


You feel convenient for some things and not good for others? Compartamentalized?



bild-a-loco said:


> To the other posts, thanks. I'm certainly not opposed to cuddling or any of that - I do still love this woman, it's just that she's shown a long pattern of being inattentive to me and it finally reached critical mass and exploded.


We learn on TAM the fastest way to get a neglectful spouse to notice, is to make sure they know that others ARE noticing.



bild-a-loco said:


> She is aware of what the problems are, I'm on this board and reading several different blogs, as well as talking with my therapist and reading two books for ideas. She is reading books about Christmas recipes. We have a bigger over all problem than just sex - my problem at this moment is kind of like the old Victorian women I suppose - should I just close my eyes and think of England? :scratchhead:


You've been bamboozled. I'd like to say that you can whip this thing and turn it around. The way our American culture is the easiest fix is to throw away and get another.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, I could have written the OPs post.

And to just have sex for sex's sake would disgust me right now.

The person causing the problems and treating the other person like shet should not be rewarded with sex. Why should the OP feel bad about himself just so his wife can "connect"?

He doesn't like how he's being treated. How can he "make love" to a woman whom he is feeling treats him like dirt?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

stick a fork in it your done!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bild-a-loco said:


> Hi Tall, you know me from my post in the general forum about the disaster that was my 50th birthday. I used to get quite a bit of absolute euphoric bliss from having sex with my wife - we had a really wild and fantastic sex life. Then it turned into a really boring, basic sex life, and now, thanks to the developments you know about, I don't have any sexual desire at all. Sex was a huge part of our relationship for many years, but then it got extremely watered down, and now, thanks to a long-term pattern of over all neglect from her, I just don't want to make myself vulnerable again or give her any indications that our situation has gotten any better - because it hasn't.
> 
> In no minced words, I told her that until I didn't feel like I was being treated like a used thrift store door mat, I probably wouldn't be overly amorous. I still feel like a thrift store door mat. I'm almost done reading NMMNG book and am reading another one that was recommended to me. Other than seeing her therapist, wife hasn't really done anything out of the ordinary except the aforementioned crying and apologies.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I was just trying to get a sense of what sex means to you within the context of your marriage.

I agree that having sex right now is unfair to you. Articulating why you don't want it may help encourage her to work on things. I recall advice a while back in a similar situation was to start slowly. Hold hands while going on a walk. Kisses when you leave for work. Work to keep the connection up (assuming she is at least doing some work) while taking slow steps to your ultimate goal.


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## khaleesiwife (May 9, 2014)

She wants what she can't have. Pure and simple. The chase is provocative for her. My advice is to continue withholding until you are ready. And when you're ready, give her the Business!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bild-a-loco,

What did you tell her that she needs to do to turn things around? Could you share with how what you told her?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You're a punisher.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have her attention. She expects you to lead. You are allowed to hesitate as you think things over. At the the moment you should follow your instincts. If you feel lust or desire, you can act on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

Decision made - not having sex until I'm ready to. Thanks everybody. As to how I told her, once again, we talked last night and I told her until I felt as though I was important to her, until she made me feel like I had some value, I simply do not feel like having sex. 

I reminded her that just as when we started dating, we didn't jump right into sex immediately because there was uncertainty and it took time to build trust and confidence. She cried, again, but said she totally understood. We cuddled for a while at bedtime and that was fine, we both enjoyed it and talked for a good while. 

She's seeing her therapist again today and says she's going to try and get some more constructive ideas. Oh well... at least this little stage of our crisis seems to have resolved itself. Thanks again to everyone - love this forum, there's a lot of great stuff to read through here.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Apparently for some time, she ignored your needs and she felt justified in doing so just as you feel justified in withholding sex. "Commitment" means we do what is best for the marriage, not what we happen to feel at the moment. Understand you have made your decision but you may want to reevaluate it. No 20 year marriage hits the skids due to one person, so it's not completely up to her to fix it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bild,

Be careful. She may be ok with no sex and lots of affection. If the train isn't beginning to move in the right direction in a week, you are best cutting out affection too. 

And I wouldn't wait very long for that. She can't solve this in a week. But if you see no sign of effort in a week, that means she is testing your resolve on this matter. 



QUOTE=bild-a-loco;9336162]Decision made - not having sex until I'm ready to. Thanks everybody. As to how I told her, once again, we talked last night and I told her until I felt as though I was important to her, until she made me feel like I had some value, I simply do not feel like having sex. 

I reminded her that just as when we started dating, we didn't jump right into sex immediately because there was uncertainty and it took time to build trust and confidence. She cried, again, but said she totally understood. We cuddled for a while at bedtime and that was fine, we both enjoyed it and talked for a good while. 

She's seeing her therapist again today and says she's going to try and get some more constructive ideas. Oh well... at least this little stage of our crisis seems to have resolved itself. Thanks again to everyone - love this forum, there's a lot of great stuff to read through here. [/QUOTE]


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

bild-a-loco said:


> Decision made - not having sex until I'm ready to. Thanks everybody. As to how I told her, once again, we talked last night and I told her until I felt as though I was important to her, until she made me feel like I had some value, I simply do not feel like having sex.
> 
> I reminded her that just as when we started dating, we didn't jump right into sex immediately because there was uncertainty and it took time to build trust and confidence. She cried, again, but said she totally understood. We cuddled for a while at bedtime and that was fine, we both enjoyed it and talked for a good while.
> 
> She's seeing her therapist again today and says she's going to try and get some more constructive ideas. Oh well... at least this little stage of our crisis seems to have resolved itself. Thanks again to everyone - love this forum, there's a lot of great stuff to read through here.


I don't necessarily disagree with your stance. I've felt that way in previous relationships.

Just be careful of two things. First, that your motivation is not passive/aggressive. Second, realize that this could backfire on you in the future. If you get things squared away with your wife and start having sex again, she could use the same tactic against you when she's in a prolonged mood or feels wronged.

You know this already. Sound like a smart guy.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Loco, I think you are on the right track. You expose yourself to vulnerability with sex, and you don't feel comfortable with that right now. I also infer that for you sex is a gift you give to her (in addition to being fun for you). You don't want to reward her with a gift right now. Perhaps you also don't want to allow yourself to bond with her because you don't want to let things remain or regress back to an unacceptable level.

Perhaps you don't want her to be comfortable. If she thinks she is providing enough sex to keep you serviced, she may think she is doing enough to keep you strung along.

You're succeeding in shaking things up, which is the way to get her motivated to seek change.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Hicks said:


> You're a punisher.


You know, I had a nice, sarcastic response written here. Not at Hicks' comment- I was going to cast OP as a victim, recall details from his "Ignored on his 50th birthday" thread, and just generally let my snark all hang out. Instead, you get this.

Bild, what the f*ck are you doing?

I mean, really, what the f*cking F*CK are you doing?

In your numerous posts, the most common point that is made is "I, Bild-a-loco, am so hurt by what my wife did." The second most common and re-occurring point is "And then she cried."

Now, she hasn't cried enough, so your answer is to get so bent out of shape that you're withholding sex from her. 

Perhaps its time for you to look in the mirror and contemplate where the problems really are.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

she knows sex can have a tremendous healing effect, and is probably admitting previous sex with you has not been so good. So maybe she is making a big effort to make you happy. If it were me...i would go with it and see where it ends up.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Agreed.

If you are the leader, you will turn sex into a channel of communication. 

You are a strong but vulnerable person. You need to make the strong part more vulnerable and vulnerable part tougher.

You need to play your wife like a trout. Make love to her and release her. Make her love taking the hook and fighting.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> You know, I had a nice, sarcastic response written here. Not at Hicks' comment- I was going to cast OP as a victim, recall details from his "Ignored on his 50th birthday" thread, and just generally let my snark all hang out. Instead, you get this.
> 
> Bild, what the f*ck are you doing?
> 
> ...


Well this one's confusing. In that other thread, I got hounded for not "manning up" and standing up for myself. I was told repeatedly to read the NMMNG book, which I did. I was told to do a 180 on her and see if that would help. Now I'm supposed to roll over and do whatever she wants, when she wants, even tho I still feel like I'm being treated like crap, just to keep her from crying? I don't get it. 

Yes, I've said here she cries a lot, because that seems to have been her only response to the actions (or lack thereof) as of late. I wish there was more to tell, but there isn't. She's going to a therapist, she's adamant that she loves me and doesn't want us to break up, but, as of yet, there has been no observable change in her behavior towards me in any regard except for a number of apologies - I don't want apologies, I want change. 

Stepping back and looking at it, the answer to my post seemed obvious to me - I love her, but I don't trust her and I am not sexually attracted to her right now. This isn't a passive/aggressive thing, it's not a punishing thing, it's not a vengeful thing - it's a self-defense thing. I've had my head slammed in the door a hundred times in the last half dozen years, and I'm tired of voluntarily putting myself in that position.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Agreed.
> 
> If you are the leader, you will turn sex into a channel of communication.


:iagree:

Are _you_ in counseling, OP?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's trying to make things better. You are slamming the door in her face. It's a bad move if you want your marriage. People are not perfect. They need to be rewarded for trying.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Bild - I with you on this one.

There are many husbands out 'here' who (or used to) do as much for their wives as possible. We love(d) them cherish(d) them... looked after them...try to make their lives as pleasant as possible. 

There are 'chores' that need to be done to make a marriage, a home, a family work. Some are nice things, some are not so nice things.
No one likes traipsing round a supermarket doing the shopping, no one likes calling a plumber to deal with a dripping tap (sorry - faucet!), no one likes remembering to renew the car insurance etc etc. But they have to be done.

Marriage is a division of labour...assuming both work, he will do the shopping on the way home from work, she will collect the children and feed them, he will renew the insurance, she will get the tap fixed. Its called team work.
Both salaries go into the account and all expenses come out (or they split them)...whatever.

The problem comes when the wife (or the husband...but in this case its the wife) doesn't do her 'chores' and lets the team down. In the end because the car needs insuring and the tap needs fixing the husband sorts those out too. 
The wife thinks....'Ah Ha! If I dont do them, he will do them which means an easier life or me'! Thumbs up.

Things are tough at the moment for most people...I have tried to tighten our financial belts...but my wife refuses...saying I need to earn more. Err..Hello!

If wives (or husbands) can't understand the logical way then they have to suffer the consequences. 
Actions have consequences.
Unless you pull your weight in this marriage - be it doing your chores, caring for each other sexually and emotionally etc then there WILL be consequences.

Yes I am a disillusioned husband. There are lots of wives out there who need to accept that life - marriage, family etc has responsibilities. The HAVE to be an active team member. 

If you say you are going to call the plumber bloody well do it! Especially if I do what I say I will do....like the shopping.

- Sorry, just read the above...and I am rambling! Because I am pi$$ed off. My wife said she would go to the bank today...'Sorry I forgot...can you do it?'....because it involves getting money to pay wages, it has to be done. Why should our employees suffer because of her? So I will have to do it.

The OP is not slamming the door in her face....his wife HAS to get the message. It takes two to tango. If 'you' are not in this with me together, then lets call it quits. Actions have consequences.


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

jld said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Are _you_ in counseling, OP?


Yes. I've been in counseling for the last four or five years, we've done couples therapy for about the last three years, and she's just found this new therapist for her through her work within the last two weeks. She's had two appointments now, one a week ago and one yesterday. 

We go to see our longtime couple's therapist next week, but I've already spoken with him a couple of times on the phone since our big blowup, so he already knows what's kind of going on. He was seeing her on her own as well for the last several years, but he suggested she seek out a new therapist because "he apparently wasn't getting through to her" - his words, not mine.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It could be that her new therapist is suggesting connecting to you through sex. Have you asked her about that?

I think she is making efforts. You, of course, do not have to accept those efforts.

What is it you want, exactly? And have you told her this, recently?

Being with a new therapist may be a new beginning for her in your marriage.


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

Hicks said:


> She's trying to make things better. You are slamming the door in her face. It's a bad move if you want your marriage. People are not perfect. They need to be rewarded for trying.


That's the problem Hicks, she's NOT trying to make things better. Nothing has changed whatsoever at my house or in my life. I still feel just as taken for granted as I ever have - the only difference is she now seems scared that I'm actually prepared to do something about it.

The main thing we've been in counseling about is me feeling taken for granted and her long pattern of thoughtlessness when it comes to me - she is quite aware of what the main problem is with our relationship. Apologizing and crying about it has been her standard response for the last half dozen years whenever I bring it to her attention, so that is nothing new or progressive - she's just doing more of it now than before. 

As the previous post said, ACTIONS speak much louder than words. She can apologize forevermore, and I can forgive her forevermore, but until she actually DOES something to demonstrate a change, I don't see where she's actually trying to make anything better. :scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh I so get what you're saying, OP.

Could be my own thread :sigh:

I love sex with my husband, when it doesn't feel like ONE MORE THING he wants from me (because like your wife, he doesn't change or DO-- he just apologizes (sortof) and thinks that's ok).

Well, it used to work because I was scared of losing him. But now, I just don't care. His total disregarding of my feelings is no longer "ok-ed" by apologies or flowers.

I don't know how long I'll stay. As it is, he told me last Friday that he was going to "get into therapy NEXT WEEK! I'ma call MONDAY!" (a condition of mine as he has major issues that he recognizes and they are ruining us.) ...well, it's Thursday and he's yet to call.

A tiger doesn't change its stripes.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

bild-a-loco said:


> Yes. I've been in counseling for the last four or five years, we've done couples therapy for about the last three years, and she's just found this new therapist for her through her work within the last two weeks. She's had two appointments now, one a week ago and one yesterday.
> 
> We go to see our longtime couple's therapist next week, but I've already spoken with him a couple of times on the phone since our big blowup, so he already knows what's kind of going on. He was seeing her on her own as well for the last several years, but he suggested she seek out a new therapist because "he apparently wasn't getting through to her" - his words, not mine.


Counselling ONLY works if BOTH parties want to make things work.

My wife and I went to counselling, both joint and on our own. As soon as sex was brough up and the importance of it in a marriage etc my wife stopped going.
She thought 'duty' sex once a month was fine....and I should be grateful because its not somthing she likes or is interested in.

I still go one a month...for me...to better myself. 
To hell with what my wife thinks.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Sorry is just a word.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

askari said:


> Sorry is just a word.


I was raised to believe this. That when you said "sorry" or apologized, you were making a promise to try your BEST not to do whatever you did, again.

My husband uses sorry to placate me. He uses sorry to play the victim. I see it ...I didn't see it for a long time, but I do now.

A person can say sorry about the same issue only so many times....before the other person just doesn't believe or want to hear it anymore.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

bild-a-loco said:


> That's the problem Hicks, she's NOT trying to make things better. Nothing has changed whatsoever at my house or in my life. I still feel just as taken for granted as I ever have - the only difference is she now seems scared that I'm actually prepared to do something about it.
> 
> The main thing we've been in counseling about is me feeling taken for granted and her long pattern of thoughtlessness when it comes to me - she is quite aware of what the main problem is with our relationship. Apologizing and crying about it has been her standard response for the last half dozen years whenever I bring it to her attention, so that is nothing new or progressive - she's just doing more of it now than before.
> 
> As the previous post said, ACTIONS speak much louder than words. She can apologize forevermore, and I can forgive her forevermore, but until she actually DOES something to demonstrate a change, I don't see where she's actually trying to make anything better. :scratchhead:



If you haven't already done so, I'd pretty much repeat what you have stated here and see what her response is...more crying or will she woman up and take action?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How are things going? You've been quiet.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> IMO - withholding will hurt you in the long run.
> 
> You need it for bonding.
> 
> ...


I totally agree. sex is a great healer of all things nasty. reconsider. Maybe allow a few BJ's? Maybe she can wear some kinky stuff around the house to turn you on again. Like doing the dusting wearing high heals and.....well, uh...wearing nothing else?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

this is a time to actually listen to the little head.

you don't feel like having sex because you are realising that you don't or can't love someone who is like your wife.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

My husband is LD and I'm HD which has led to all kinds of problems in the nearly two years that we've been married. In fact, a recent 13 weeks without sex had me practically tearing my hair out. We have sex so infrequently that we still haven't managed to develop our own style or way of having sex as we don't actually do it enough to work on it in any way. This means that the sex we do have is quite "porn style" in as much as he manouvres me into positions that are uncomfortable and then bangs away until he's done. It's a bit like having a one night stand every 6 weeks or so, there is no emotion involved, no kissing or caressing. I get very little pleasure from this - I like a long, slow, gentle build up before starting to really go for it. I've now reached a stage where despite being desperate for more sex, I don't really want sex with my husband any more - I enjoy having sex with myself more than with him. What I'd really like now is for him to agree to an open marriage so I can concentrate on developing a good sex life with somebody who wants loving sexual encounters rather than a wham bam thankyou mam session.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Well, all you can do is communicate with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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