# issue with wife's relationship with her BFF



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Got some solid advice last time I was on here, so lets try it again.
My wife of 14 years has never really had a close girlfriend. She got a job as a teacher 10 years ago and made a friend. They did not go out much together back in those days. Her friend was also married and they saw one another every day at work. Fast forward to 3 years ago and we had our second child, and she and her friend became closer. They started to confide in one another and I did not notice the difference until much later. I at one point realized that my wife had withdrawn from our marriage. I was not being confided in, sex was less, she would fall asleep on the couch often etc... I started to think it was another man, and I snooped a bit to see if there was something I needed to know. I figured if there was another man, flat out asking her would not prove wise. I read some texts between she and her girlfriend and realized it was not a man, it was her girlfriend that she was taking all of the intimacy to, that should have been coming to me. I confronted her, and she realized it was true and we have been working on our marriage successfully ever since. Her friend was going through similar things at home and withdrew from her husband emotionally as well. She has left him and taken the kids and he is devastated. 
I told both of them to allow me in their friendship, and that they had allowed their friendship to hurt their marriages and if I am to be ok with them resuming as friends, I need to feel comfortable with their relationship. I asked her friend to come over so we could all have a conversation, she responded that she was emotionally unavailable and was not going to come. My wife did not take this the way I did, and defended her friend.
Since then I have not been able to get my wife to have her friend over to the house. We are doing well, but she seems to get strength from her selfish friend. Any one go through something similar?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is this a close friendship or is it romantic in nature? You don't specify.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Is this a close friendship or is it romantic in nature? You don't specify.


close friends.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok. so...... I am just trying to understand this better. Do you have problems with your wife having a close friend (that is female)? Or you think this could be a romantic thing? What is it about their relationship that makes you uncomfortable?


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok. so...... I am just trying to understand this better. Do you have problems with your wife having a close friend (that is female)? Or you think this could be a romantic thing? What is it about their relationship that makes you uncomfortable?


I am not allowed to be seen as the husband. I am not allowed into the friendship in any way. Not invited to join them ever etc.. They take care of one another but neither of them, tells the other to talk to the husbands. Now that my wife is making the efforts at home to be open with me about how she is feeling, I see her friend trying to pull her back in to the "old ways" 
Once the friend became single, I told my wife to be careful, as her friend was going to try to pull her into her new life, and that is exactly what happened. Tried to get her to go out drinking like they are in college. Singles scene stuff, just the two of them. My wife told her that she wanted no part in that and if she wants her to go out to a bar then no problem but I am bringing my husband along. That has not happened. So out of the blue my wife comes home and says I am going to a concert with her and wanted you to know. I asked how this came about and she let me know that her friend bought her a ticket with out asking her. The concert was on Fathers Day. My wife chose to not go. I want my wife to have a close friend to talk to, I know it is important, especially for woman. This friend does not respect me though and is not willing to be where she knows I will be. She avoids me and is trying to get my wife to act like her. She is very selfish and my wife has acknowledged that as well.
My wife is waiting it out, thinking her old friend will be back. I need her to see that her old friend was selfish and that she became selfish when with her. This is not new behavior. Only difference now is her friend is single. I told her she needs to let her friend be single and get single friends, and my wife needs to look for people she has more in common with. She has a very hard time making friends so to her this is very difficult.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Hmm - so, do you have close male friends, does your wife always join you when you go out with them? Is she "seen as the wife?"


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Hmm - so, do you have close male friends, does your wife always join you when you go out with them? Is she "seen as the wife?"


Always..no. She does not like fishing or golf. I go out with out her occasionally, but that is not my issue. I have no issue with her going out if I am not being disrespected in the process.

My wife is included when ever it is possible. I make sure to not go out too often with out her. I do not go out to singles scene type places unless she is with me. 
My friends all know I am married, they all have spent a large amount of time around my wife. They have all come over to our home and spent time with our family. They respect I am married and do not ask me to do things, my wife would not appreciate.
Strip clubs, bar hopping etc... And when they do ask me to go out to a bar, they ask if "we" want to come out on Saturday. Her friend says things like "if you can get permission" 
I have never told my wife no about anything she wanted. I just ask to always be respected. In their relationship I am an outsider and have been shown little respect.
Good example is last year at Christmas I bought manicures and pedicures for both of them, so they could have a girls afternoon.
Her friend never even thanked me. 
I went to a teachers party at one of her co-workers homes a while back. Her friend did not think I was going that night and went. When I arrived with my wife, her friend took her into the living room and put on music and started to dance with my wife. Every time my wife came back to me, she would come over and take her again. This went on for 3 hours. I saw my wife for about 15 minutes of the 3 hours we where there.
I asked one of her co-workers whom I have known for years and he explained that every time they go out as teachers my wife's friend isolates my wife and they then ignore the rest of the people. So, I know its not just in my head.


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> I asked one of her co-workers whom I have known for years and he explained that every time they go out as teachers my wife's friend isolates my wife and they then ignore the rest of the people. So, I know its not just in my head.


This sounds like it's not one-sided. Your wife wouln't "ignore the rest of the people" with her friend if she didn't want to. Are you sure they are just friends?


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

The more you describe this, the weirder it sounds. I'm honestly wondering, given your description, if the friend isn't a lesbian or bi-sexual and is really hard-core after your wife. Assuming your wife isn't "in on it" - she might not realize how strange her friend is really acting. And - if this is truly her only close female friend, she might rectify things to herself, even if she has concerns, as she's afraid of going from 1 friend to 0 friends. 

Honestly, the way this sounds, this doesn't need to be treated like a "hostile friend" kind of situation, but addressed as if another man was trying to date your wife. Because - from what you describe, that's what this sounds like.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> I went to a teachers party at one of her co-workers homes a while back. Her friend did not think I was going that night and went. When I arrived with my wife, her friend took her into the living room and put on music and started to dance with my wife. Every time my wife came back to me, she would come over and take her again. This went on for 3 hours. I saw my wife for about 15 minutes of the 3 hours we where there.
> I asked one of her co-workers whom I have known for years and he explained that every time they go out as teachers my wife's friend isolates my wife and they then ignore the rest of the people.


It sounds very much like the BFF has a crush on your wife. But your wife allows it to happen, so there is some measure of approval from her that it is okay. If her BFF were a man, this would be called an emotional affair. Why not call a spade a spade?

You have confronted her and she acknowledges what is going on and how it affects the two of you. You make it sound like you all are working on things, but is she really working or putting up a front to continue her EA with her BFF?

I would treat this just like an EA and demand that she cut contact with her BFF and that she become completely transparent. Do not take this lightly.

Friends are important, but not when they destroy your marriage. BTW, I know where you are coming from, my ex is a couple and living with her girlfriend.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

This is interesting in that I was just about to post something similar when I saw this.

My wife is also and educator. She has always had a tendency to draw other females to her and they become close to the point where the OW seems a bit uncomfortable if I am around to territorial. I dropped her off yesterday to go with a few colleagues on a 3 day retreat. I had never met 3 of them and they were very friendly and cordial. One that she is very close to acted like I had the plague. She could hardly spit out a hello. 

When I started thinking about the women that she is close to it occurred to me that they were all like that towards me.

Sorry Op I did not mean to hijack your thread. It does seem like your wife's friend wants to be more than just friend. She certainly is no friend of your marriage. I think you need to discuss the circumstances of the party and remind her how inappropriate they were and let her know it is time to give her up other than being polite and cordial to her.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> This sounds like it's not one-sided. Your wife wouln't "ignore the rest of the people" with her friend if she didn't want to. Are you sure they are just friends?


My wife is afraid to not do what this friend wants because it is her first real girlfriend and one and only best girlfriend. My wife is a people pleaser and never sticks up for herself. Until my recent exposure of disrespect for our marriage she was being led around by this friend and her friend wants and needs to be in control all the time.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

C3156 said:


> It sounds very much like the BFF has a crush on your wife. But your wife allows it to happen, so there is some measure of approval from her that it is okay. If her BFF were a man, this would be called an emotional affair. Why not call a spade a spade?
> 
> You have confronted her and she acknowledges what is going on and how it affects the two of you. You make it sound like you all are working on things, but is she really working or putting up a front to continue her EA with her BFF?
> 
> ...


When I originally confronted them, I told them they were in an emotional affair. At first they laughed at me. I then laid out for them what I knew about their conversations, and how neither of them was talking to their husbands, and by definition where in an affair. It took my wife about a month to admit it. Her friend never has admitted it to either of us. So I did call a spade a spade. 
I am helping my wife to show her how her personality traits caused this to happen and she is in therapy to figure out how to be strong with out needing others to do it for her.
I want her to still be friends with her one and only girl friend but want to be allowed to be comfortable with it. If my wife can dictate the terms of the relationship I will be fine, our marriage is strong now and I know she is in love with me. Just not sure how to proceed with this other girl.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The friend is too possessive of your wife, and now that she's left her husband she's even more possessive since she no longer has her husband around.

The friend obviously sees you as competition for your wife's attention, and of course she doesn't want you around. In fact she wants to isolate your wife emotionally from you. 

The core problem is your wife's letting her do it. Your wife is getting a ton of attention from the other person and no doubt the other person really lays on a guilt trip when your wife shows less that equal attention back.

You are right to be very worried. This friend is no friend to your marriage, especially now that she's single. Expect her to suggest vacationing with your wife, girls trips to Vegas, shows etc.

All intended to build her relationship with your wife and to isolate you.

A lot of marriage have been ended by friends like your wife's.

For starters I strongly suggest the following rule get added to your marriage:

The spouse always has an open invitation to join the other spouse in ANY social situation. They don't need to be invited, and if they come the other spouse will make a real effort to include them in the activity.

This along with:

Your spouse is your first priority.

------

Going back to the party, where your wife kept being dragged away by the friend, Your wife should have either brought you up to dance, or should have spent a small amount of time with the friend but frequently returned to hang with you, and make sure you were having fun since it was a party with her work colleagues.

My advice

Continue open and growing communication with your wife.. Show her she's your #1 priority, and call her out when she's putting the friend before the marriage.

Implement the always invited rule, and invite yourself with your wife. You need your wife's support here. Fundamentally it's your wife saying to the friend, that she's always going to be #2 behind you. Always.


----------



## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I understand your concern and I would be concerned as well. This single friend is trying to control your wife and have her lead the same lifestyle as she. It is quite telling that she doesn't want to have you involved in anything they do together...not even a single instance of it. That is a loud alarm in my book. She may think that since she is happier being single, that she can convince your wife of the same. That's not a friend to your wife...that's just plain malicious and controlling.
I would certainly keep very open communications with your wife about your concerns.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

All I hear when I read this thread is misery loves company. This lady is no friend. Your wife seems like a smart lady though. I would date the heck out of her right now. BFF calls to hang out. " Oh me and hubby have plans for Friday." "Can't, we're going out on Saturday too."


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

nogutsnoglory said:


> When I originally confronted them, I told them they were in an emotional affair. At first they laughed at me. I then laid out for them what I knew about their conversations, and how neither of them was talking to their husbands, and by definition where in an affair. It took my wife about a month to admit it. Her friend never has admitted it to either of us. So I did call a spade a spade.
> *I am helping my wife to show her how her personality traits caused this to happen and she is in therapy to figure out how to be strong with out needing others to do it for her.
> I want her to still be friends with her one and only girl friend but want to be allowed to be comfortable with it. If my wife can dictate the terms of the relationship I will be fine, our marriage is strong now and I know she is in love with me. *Just not sure how to proceed with this other girl.


You are giving your wife far to much credit here. I think the odds are stacked against her doing what you hope. The elephant in the room is the friend. You have zero control over her actions and she could give a sh!t about what you think or want your wife to do. Them being friends is toxic to your marriage and you thinking the OW is going to change is a pipe dream. I will repeat what I said one more time "the OW is not a friend of your marriage and will never be". Your wife needs to cut her out..............now.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

RClawson said:


> You are giving your wife far to much credit here. I think the odds are stacked against here doing what you hope. The elephant in the room is the friend. You have zero control over her actions and she could give a sh!t about what you think or want your wife to do. Them being friends is toxic to your marriage and you thinking the OW is going to change is a pipe dream. I will repeat what I said one more time "the OW is not a friend of your marriage and will never be". Your wife needs to cut her out..............now.


I do not disagree. I just want it to be my wife realizing this to be true, not be given an ultimatum by me. I have discussed the rules as they need to be going forward. My wife is following them thus far. Only time will tell. I have established that I am to be invited, and we are not to have friends that prove to not be friends of the marriage. Her friend is trying to play the innocent card. Like she has not idea why I think what I do. Like I told my wife. If she cares to find out, and wants to have your husband feel respected, then she might consider taking me up on the offer of coming over to talk. She has not done that, and until she shows the ability to give me the respect I deserve, then she is not to be trusted and I will not stand for you two to go out alone. (her friend heard that and immediately bought a concert ticket for my wife) Glad she did as it proved my point even further to my wife. My wife understands completely but has not gotten tough with her friend yet. She is still mourning the loss of what she thought was her best girlfriend. It is interesting to say the least.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Kobo said:


> All I hear when I read this thread is misery loves company. This lady is no friend. Your wife seems like a smart lady though. I would date the heck out of her right now. BFF calls to hang out. " Oh me and hubby have plans for Friday." "Can't, we're going out on Saturday too."


They are not going anywhere with out me being invited. That was the first rule I put in place. We do date as much as we can (2 little kids). But I go home from work every day and do chores, help with kids, play with them, get them to bed, light candles, shut off the t.v. talk and bond with my wife. We are in a good place with our marriage. I am just battling the awful feeling of taking her friend away from her. I know it was/is needed. I just want her to feel and see it as clearly. She thinks it is fixable and her friend just needs to be "retrained". I and all of you know the real answer...


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

they must have heard us typing. I just got a text from my wife that her friend is coming to our house to hang out for dinner on Friday...
this will be interesting...stay tuned.


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Interesting. Did your wife invite her?


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

People in our lives are either friends to our marriage or not. If they are not, they are not a friend period.

Each of us in our marriage have 'veto'd' a friend that we weren't comfortable with. 

The question for your wife is why is this friendship more important than her marriage?


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> Interesting. Did your wife invite her?


She did. I told her to.


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Is/are she/they reading this thread?


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> Is/are she/they reading this thread?


no, they have no idea I am on here.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> People in our lives are either friends to our marriage or not. If they are not, they are not a friend period.
> 
> Each of us in our marriage have 'veto'd' a friend that we weren't comfortable with.
> 
> The question for your wife is why is this friendship more important than her marriage?


Same question is asked by me. 
Answer," she is not more important, we will get it right, she is my only girlfriend. "
I am giving my wife the power to "get it right".
I doubt it will work out, but we shall see.


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

What if your wife just wanted to visit the friend at her house, would you want to get invited and go with her every time?


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> What if your wife just wanted to visit the friend at her house, would you want to get invited and go with her every time?


I want to feel the invitation is open to me. That going is my option. That their friendship is not separate and secretive, to our marriage. That it is not a threat to our marriage, as it has proven to be thus far.


----------

