# What would you do here?



## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

SORRY TO REPEAT THIS ONE, I AM JUST TRYING TO STIR UP A LITTLE INTREST

Hello everyone I'm a new user so I hope this is going in the correct catagory.

I have had access to my wife's Facebook account for a couple of years now without her knowledge. On the whole there has not been much for me to be concerned with, but I am not sure if this has now changed.

Recently she recieved a friend request from an old sexpartner. This relationship she had was years before we met and was purely sexual- no emotional attatchment. He was and still is married. My wife was 17 when this happened.

Anyway, she accepted this request and has since stopped the automatic email alerts about new Fb messages going to our joint email acc. This is worrying.

She has no idea that I know her password on her FB acc.

There has been no communication between her and the new friend as yet but I notice that she has been browsing thru his profile pics a couple of times.

Now I am a reasonable person and understand we all have pasts and can understand the curiosity in seeing what people from days gone by are up to. She has a few many male friends on ther and I have no problem with this. BUT my insticnt tells me this is not a nice chap she is now friends with and will be contacting her to start up where they left off.

She has spoken on Fb to one of her female friends of old about him in a purely 'can u believe it?' way but that is all.

So my question is what do you think I should do? I have no reason to question my wifes fidelity in the past (13yrs) so really would like to leave things to run as they will. Should I bring up this matter with her? I do not mind admitting that I have had access to her account - I suspect if anyone, male or female, was in my position they would have popped into there spouses account now and again jsut to see what they were doing.

Should I let things run there course and see what happens? 

Thanks James


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## KNA2009 (Jun 24, 2010)

I replied already.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

I know, thank you


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## maggierose (May 11, 2010)

This is a touchy subject. I have had this problem in my past with my spouse and Myspace. I reacted and confronted him about it and he got all sorts of angry that I logged into his account. I let him be mad and it didn't matter to me because I felt betrayed and I knew there was a chance the coversation were innocent but the thing that threw me off was he purposely went out of his way to make a separate page for conversations with this girl so that I wouldn't see. I had a HUGE problem with that. I can be the type to jump to conclusions however, he reacted by deleting both his accounts, hmmmmm interesting. If I were you I wouldn't let the cat out of the bag until you have a real reason to... if you trust her as of right now ( I can't believe I'm encouraging you to keep snooping) but sometimes in life it is necessary. There should be no secrets in a serious relationship (on her part I mean).. if I were you I would see where this goes before you cause an argument that might not be necessary at this point. I have reconnected with exes on facebook and sometimes its just to catch up and see what happened in their life and then it's over with after a short period of time. So my advice to you is simply keep your eyes and ears open and don't give your snooping up until you have a real deal obvious thing to bring up.. until then just roll with it and see what happens.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

I replied in your other thread. I agree with maggie, but I would just straight up ask her for the FB password. If she refuses, then you have a reason to continue snooping.


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## maggierose (May 11, 2010)

I don't suggest asking for the password.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

maggierose said:


> I don't suggest asking for the password.


I'm curious to know your reasoning.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

Thnak you both for your input. I have come to the thought that I shall simply see what happens. 
I am not feeling great about myself tho


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## maggierose (May 11, 2010)

Now that I really think about it, it might come across as accusatory. There would be no reason for him to need the password other than to want to know what's on her profile. Also, if she is up to something and he asked for it, it could give her an opportunity to go on there and get rid of stuff before he sees it, I wouldn't give her the heads up.


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## maggierose (May 11, 2010)

Don't get down on yourself about it. I understand what it is like to feel guilty about snooping, but on the other hand, I don't regret doing it because I got the truth out of it. Something in your gut is obviously telling you something is up, which brings on the snooping in the first place.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

james, do you have a keylogger installed, or do you know about her viewing habits from the browser history? If she won't willingly provide the password and you don't have a keylogger installed, it would be a good time to do that.

maggie, what's wrong with him knowing what's in her profile? Also, if she is thinking of doing something, better to squash it now rather than deal with the consequences later. If his question is "will she cheat on me?", the answer is yes. Anyone can under the right circumstances. Not to mention it's better to remove a tumor early, rather than waiting until it spreads.


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## maggierose (May 11, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with him knowing whats in her profile. Maybe I'm just burnt from my past, but I feel if he were to ask her for it she might feel he is accusing of her something and it could cause an unneccessary fight. The bottom line is if someone is going to cheat regardless of facebook or any other chat site, they will do it. I agree with you that it is better to squash things right away but at this point all he is dealing with is speculation, there is no proof that she is doing anything.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

i know about her viewing habits from the browser history.
Just for the record, do you think it is acceptable for her to be in contact with someone who was basicly a f***buddy?


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

jamesblack said:


> do you think it is acceptable for her to be in contact with someone who was basicly a f***buddy?


james, I'll answer your question with a question. What do they have in common?


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

absolutely nothing apart from the sex they had 16 years ago.
he is in his 50's my wife is 31
he is a known criminal and thug, we are a quiet respectable family of 4


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Look, the difference here is that OP has NO reason whatsoever to snoop. He has been snooping on his wife for YEARS. She has never given him cause, never given him reason not to trust her (these are HIS words). He did not have a gut feeling which caused him to snoop. He was already snooping and came across something that he is questioning. He didn’t like the well thought-out and rational replies he was getting in his first thread so he started a second copying and pasting the exact paragraph. This is not the same as a spouse who is acting suspiciously. 

James, many facebook friends wind up being just acquaintances with whom many people will never ever see or chat with face to face again in their lives. I have had acquaintances from my past that have requested me and then never said one word to me. You are making this a bigger deal than it has to be. Ask your wife about the new facebook friendship. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable and then proceed from there. Don’t go jumping to conclusions making the situation worse than it already is. If she reacts in a negative way and acts like she is trying to hide something, then and only then do you take action like what is being described here.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

WantsHappiness, just to be clear, I welcome all responses (including yours). Not just those that show affirmation to my actions. The only reason I pasted this again was because at the time I had no responses from my first post abd thought perhaps my title wasn't attracting any views.
James


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Wantshappiness, what is wrong with accountability? If my wife "snoops" through my email, puts a GPS tracker on my vehicle, a voice recorder in the house while she's away and I'm there, I say God bless her. If it reinforces trust and makes her feel more comfortable, I'm all for it. If I have the need to write anything that I don't want her to see, I'll use a journal and keep it locked up, because no one else needs to see it either. I simply don't understand how hidden or locked accounts promote trust in a relationship when a lot of affairs begin that way. Ditto for "hanging out" one on one with opposite sex friends.

James, the fact that it makes you uncomfortable is reason enough for her to not have this friend. I would be very upset if my wife confirmed an old f-buddy as a FB friend.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

FOM said:


> Wantshappiness, what is wrong with accountability? If my wife "snoops" through my email, puts a GPS tracker on my vehicle, a voice recorder in the house while she's away and I'm there, I say God bless her. If it reinforces trust and makes her feel more comfortable, I'm all for it. If I have the need to write anything that I don't want her to see, I'll use a journal and keep it locked up, because no one else needs to see it either. I simply don't understand how hidden or locked accounts promote trust in a relationship when a lot of affairs begin that way. Ditto for "hanging out" one on one with opposite sex friends.
> 
> James, the fact that it makes you uncomfortable is reason enough for her to not have this friend. I would be very upset if my wife confirmed an old f-buddy as a FB friend.


You misunderstand me, FOM. 

There is nothing wrong with transparency in which both spouses agree to share passwords with each other knowing that the other might check in on them here and there. This, however, is not the case for OP. In this case he obtained his wife’s password without her knowledge and has been using it for years. What OP is doing is an invasion of privacy. Just as you have a right to keep a locked journal his wife has a right to a locked account. This, of course, in a healthy marriage where there are no trust issues and no affairs which OP has stated he has. 

The point is that a healthy marriage needs trust. If your wife, FOM, feels the need to GPS track you for years (again in an otherwise healthy marriage), you’re okay with that? Seriously? That, to me, shows a major lack of trust and a major problem with the insecure spouse. One that will eat away at the marriage.

I agree very much that OP’s wife should unfriend this person because it makes her husband uncomfortable. Point is, OP is not making that simple request. Instead he is continuing to be underhanded, snoop and allow his imagination to run wild with unfounded possibilities when all he has to do is communicate. 

FWIW, I agree with GPS and keylogger tracking methods in most cases of infidelity. NOT in a healthy relationship where it is unncessary.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

I agree that a healthy marriage needs trust. And no, my wife doesn't have a GPS tracker on my vehicle or monitor my accounts, at least that I'm aware of, but if she wants to, I have no problem with it because I'm not hiding anything.

However, locked accounts is a source of mistrust, and if my wife insisted on having a private account I would immediately wonder what he was hiding. Affairs are not born from locked journals, because no else is reading them.

I don't support the way james' started the snooping. He should have asked for the password the day she opened the account, and he should ask her for it now.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

All OP’s wife has done is cancel email notifications from facebook which many, many fb users have decided to do as a result of being bothered unnecessarily by them. We’re not talking about a single incident where a spouse feels the need to confirm what the other says (even in that case communication should be the first option). Affairs occurred long before social networking sites. 

His wife is not insisting on a locked account, I said she has a right to one. It’s not about whether or not someone is hiding something. It’s about basic trust and respect for one another and there is no other way I can say it. 

We’ll just have to agree to disagree because I feel that if there are no trust issues then this type of action is completely unnecessary and will cause more problems than it will solve.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Wants, if you read through cheating threads on this and other sites, the vast majority have the common denominators of complete trust and no accountability. Most cannot believe their spouse would ever do such a thing, yet there they are, examining the train wreck their marriage has become.

New romantic relationships are like a drug, so it is wise to avoid situations where this can develop. Affairs have occurred since the beginning of time, but they are a heck of easier to get sucked into today, thanks to technology.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your comments, as I have already said, I welcome all.
I suppose these next few days/weeks are going to be a true test of my wife's fidelity. I know that sounds so unfair and I will probably be berated for the thought. 
I do somewhat agree with most of you that suggest I am invading her privacy. I do not feel particularly good about myself after reading many of your thoughts on my actions.
However. I do fully believe that the introduction of this man into our lives, however slightly at the moment, is a very negative thing and can only lead to difficulties. I am going to continue monitoring the online activities for a while and see what happens.

Please continue to offer any thoughts or suggestions. I will be checking in on the thread and will update you all on what transpires whatever the outcome is ,I truly hope you can all say 'I told you so'.

Thanks again
James


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

I have read plenty of infidelity threads on TAM. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, FOM, and I’m not sure what you think I need to be convinced of. I’m simply saying that, imo (which is obviously very different from yours which is perfectly fine - you know what they say about opinions), living life constantly on the defensive is no way to live life at all. I am not saying to close one’s eyes to reality, not in the least. I am simply saying that not every husband/wife cheats. By all means, know that the possibility exists but there is such a thing as moderation. We cannot permanently control our spouses. Not through monitoring, not through your so-called accountability, not through demands. All we can control is ourselves and if we strive to be the best partner we can be the chips will fall where they may. That is all I will have to say on this subject.

James, I am sorry to hear your decision. If you would just talk to her you could find complete and healthy resolution to this mess, you could very easily remove this negativity from your life but you choose the difficult path. Best of luck to you.


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