# Was he cheating before I did?



## worriedlover23 (Mar 26, 2019)

I cheated in December of 2018


HOWEVER

I recently discovered my husband was on a dating site for most of the marriage, when i discovered it he demanded me to not go on and read ANY messages. He deleted the acct

Found out he signed up for 2 other sites

He was signed up for 2 texting apps (I am the main acct holder for verizon so he knows i can see text and call history)

in 2016 he wanted me to get him smokes from the store, its a quick walk from our house. I go and walking back I see some chick sneaking up between my house and the neighbors walk right up on my porch and whip out her phone i started sneaking up my porch steps she turns around and runs off my porch so damn fast...never saw her again


in 2017 he went to the same store and disappeared for hours would not return calls or texts.. 2 hours later some guy drops him off. he said the guy was a friend he has not seen in 16 years....no explantion for not answering calls/texts...NEVER saw the guy before or again after that

He unsynced his ipad and iphone in August of 2018 so safari history, texts would not go on his tablet. I asked why for some reason after 6 years he was tired of both dinging when he got a text


he used to the morning hide under the covers with his phone

in December he had bright red scratches on the sides and middle of his back he said he was itchy

Checking out this on girl on FB denied knowing who she was when i asked, admitted the 3rd time she was his cousins friend...poked her to on FB...
Learned when he was going out to Sunoco/subway she worked there and they talked…she quit and he quit going out all the time.


Since I cheated, When we talk about my affair or him doing what he has..he keeps saying when we met it was a mistake, we should split, etc I cheated, he did not...

He said if he gets an feeling i am cheating we will split

if he feels he cannot go for a walk or out with friends we will split

he denied siging up for anything despite it all being linked to his FB, pics on the date sites


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Was he cheating before I did?........That does amount to a hill of beans at this point, does it?
You talk a lot about what he's done. Did you actually have sex with another man?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Was he cheating before I did?........That does amount to a hill of beans at this point, does it?
> You talk a lot about what he's done. Did you actually have sex with another man?


This is actually exactly right. As long as you are deflecting by talking about what HE may have done, it is abundantly clear that you do NOT take responsibility for your actions. Have you ever seen to small children fuss on the playground? As I teacher, I saw it a lot, and "He/she did it FIIIRRRRSSST" was never an excuse.

You need to fully own your side of the street and work on YOU.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Here is what we can tell you based on all you have posted over the past 2 weeks.
He is a liar. Was he cheating? it's possible you have some interesting sort of evidence. That is not the important lie.
This is the important lie: "He said if he gets an feeling i am cheating we will split"
That is the biggest whopper in the pile of lies. He's not going to split. If he hasn't split so far he isn't about to. 
You have both put up with unbelievable behavior. Your relationship is one of the most dysfunctional I have ever seen.
But, Neither of you show any inclination to split up. So You had better figure out a way to live with it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@worriedlover23 So, why did you cheat?

Are you know reinterpreting stuff your husband did so that you can make yourself feel better about your cheating?

Or was he really cheating?

I would suggest relationship counselling to talk through these issues.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP...Did you have sex with another man outside of your marriage?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> This is actually exactly right. As long as you are deflecting by talking about what HE may have done,* it is abundantly clear that you do NOT take responsibility for your actions*. Have you ever seen to small children fuss on the playground? As I teacher, I saw it a lot, and "He/she did it FIIIRRRRSSST" was never an excuse.
> 
> You need to fully own your side of the street and work on YOU.


Have VERY RARELY seen a WW that does.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Have VERY RARELY seen a WW that does.


Sadly, you are correct. Honestly, I have seen more WH see the light than WW. WW seem to get hung up on things their BH did or did not do.

Taking full responsibility means: no matter what anyone else did, I made the wrong choice, and there is no excuse.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Sadly, you are correct. Honestly, I have seen more WH see the light than WW. WW seem to get hung up on things their BH did or did not do.
> 
> Taking full responsibility means: no matter what anyone else did, I made the wrong choice, and there is no excuse.


I don't want to come across as misogynistic, but it's been know and written about for centuries. 

My WW was no different. 
That's why a WW must be filed on to make any progress.
Ask yourself would you put your marriage in the hands of a WW?
I will stop there......but there's much more that should be said.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Please stay together.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As I see it, you both cheated, and each of you did so not knowing that the other had done so first. 

So....

You can call it even and get on with your lives. You will likely both cheat again, and can then forgive each other again. 

You can divorce because you don't want to live with a cheater

You can decide that since you both want to sleep with people outside of the relationship you can make rules for an open relationship where you can both do this.


All are reasonable so its up to you. I don't think there is anything to be gained by trying to weigh whose sin was greater.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I am sorry I really do not understand cheating. If I felt I needed to cheat, I would just leave my husband. We have a rule which is that either of us must leave before cheating. If I cheated before I left, I would have to leave. I could not ever try to mend that or to stay together. Cheating to me, is the thing that must cause spouses to terminate their relationship and never think t go back. 

I am interested in why it matters whether or not he cheated first. If, when you cheated, you did not know whether or not he had cheated, it means you crossed the line purely on your own with no reference to his behaviour.


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## worriedlover23 (Mar 26, 2019)

I guess it matters because it was him doing this 8 out f 12 years of our marriage

mine was less than a month of our marriage 

thats why


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

uhtred said:


> As I see it, you both cheated, and each of you did so not knowing that the other had done so first.


According to her timeline, she had good reason to suspect he was a serial cheater for a few years. 

Had she come here before she cheated with her story, I'm sure the consensus would be he cheated. 

All that is moot.

That is why I think they should stay together, forever, (forcibly if necessary, haha). Consider it a type of quarantine for general society.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should just end this marriage, clearly it has been dysfunctional from the beginning. Why would you want to stay with a man who does these things?? Did you think having an affair would make things even? 

End it and let you each find someone you actually want to be with, who actually wants to be with you too.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

"I used to be in love so badly,
then I came to live with it.
Lately I get a faraway feeling,
and the whole thing starts again." Thomas Earl Petty

What you are claiming is that the only time in your married relationship that he wasn't cheating, was when he was in Jail. Well that does explain why you didn't dump him for being criminal. At least he was Faithful.
Now other than the time he was in jail being faithful, and you were in a substitute relationship with someone else, and that lil fling last December, you have been a faithful spouse who never had a wandering thought. OK here is your Badge. The inscription on the tarnished tin says "I was not as bad as him". And we all acknowledge that you honestly earned that prize.
Now what are you going to do to put this back together and make as family fit to raise those 4 kiddos?


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

Hopefully he was able to cheat on you before you did to him. Karma


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Talk2Me said:


> Hopefully he was able to cheat on you before you did to him. Karma


Who is the karma stick beating at that point?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

worriedlover23 said:


> I guess it matters because it was him doing this 8 out f 12 years of our marriage
> 
> mine was less than a month of our marriage
> 
> thats why


Why would you even waste your *time* staying with a POS whose cheated on you 8 out of the 12 years you've been married to him? What's the payoff in wasting your time with someone like this?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Quite likely he was having sex during the time he was in jail too.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

How does this change what you want to do now? 




worriedlover23 said:


> I guess it matters because it was him doing this 8 out f 12 years of our marriage
> 
> mine was less than a month of our marriage
> 
> thats why


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> This is actually exactly right. As long as you are deflecting by talking about what HE may have done, it is abundantly clear that you do NOT take responsibility for your actions. Have you ever seen to small children fuss on the playground? As I teacher, I saw it a lot, and "*He/she did it FIIIRRRRSSST" was never an excuse.*....
> 
> You need to fully own your side of the street and work on YOU.


.... especially if you didn't even know he did it first at the time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

worriedlover23 said:


> I cheated in December of 2018
> 
> 
> HOWEVER
> ...


*So you both have willingly, wantonly, and unremorsefilly cheated!

So given that, exactly what would either of you have left to successfully build a lasting and trusting marriage on?*


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## Jaded1 (Jan 24, 2019)

worriedlover23 said:


> in 2016 he wanted me to get him smokes from the store, its a quick walk from our house. I go and walking back *I see some chick sneaking up between my house and the neighbors walk right up on my porch and whip out her phone* i started sneaking up my porch steps she turns around and runs off my porch so damn fast...never saw her again



Who sends their wife on quick cigarette run, then invites their OW over??

It seems more probable that you are trying to justify your own cheating by making your husband a cheater also. 

After looking at your other threads, it seems that you two are toxic for each other. If you truly want to save, or remain married, start by getting into marriage counseling.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> Quite likely he was having sex during the time he was in jail too.


 Whether he wanted to or not ...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

worriedlover23 said:


> I guess it matters because it was him doing this 8 out f 12 years of our marriage
> 
> mine was less than a month of our marriage
> 
> thats why


You still don't get it. You're still not taking responsibility.

I hope he divorces.


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## HDC (Nov 8, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> StillSearching said:
> 
> 
> > Have VERY RARELY seen a WW that does.
> ...


I think it’s because society in general gives women a pass on adultery. I’ve seen it time and time again. If a man cheats he is “ just a horny pervert trying to get his rocks off”. When a women cheats it’s the mans fault because “ he wasn’t being the kind of husband he should have been”. I’ve had many discussions with people about that subject.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"I think it’s because society in general gives women a pass on adultery. "

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa

Oh gish.....whew! Thanks. I needed a good long belly laugh


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

worriedlover23 said:


> I guess it matters because it was him doing this 8 out f 12 years of our marriage
> 
> mine was less than a month of our marriage
> 
> thats why


8 out of 10 and you tolerated it? why? If you know about it and still live and sleep with him then it is not cheating. it is just poly gamy or similar. You cannot allow me to con you out of a dollar everyday for a month ans still call it a con. 

It is not proper to forgive adultery either of the spouse or of self. As soon as you know you have committed adultery you need to pack and leave. As soon as you know your spouse has committed adultery you need to ask them to leave. There could never be any middle ground between yes and no. 

Cheating mean I am no longer interested in this relationship.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Jeez, so you are both ignoring the boundaries of marriage. Does not sound too promising from where I sit. OP cheats, but discovered her husband has been cheating all along. So are we justifying our behavior with newly found justification? Do you not see that this is all a causality loop. I got you, you got me so I got you so you got me. Come on. If the marriage means so little that both of you are having random affairs maybe it is time to let go of the mirage of marriage.


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