# Letting go.



## Piecukonis (Apr 3, 2010)

My husband and I are having a current issue I have brought up in another thread but during my arguments with my husband about said issue...I've noticed that I hold a TON of resentment for every single thing my husband has ever done to hurt me...whether intentional or not and I bring them into every current fight we have. So what ends up happening is the fights last longer, hurt more, and we can't resolve the issue that sparked the argument to begin with. I set up our first appointment with a marriage counselor today and it was while I was thinking about the things I was going to tell the counselor that I realized there are so many things that need to be left in the past so that we can be happy now and I don't know how to do it. How do I let go of things that are over. My husband has apologized a million times for the things he has done before to hurt me and I realize now that I am being selfish and unfair to him to keep badgering him about things and demanding explaniations and promises regarding things that happend 6-7 years ago. 

My problem is this....they say true forgivness comes without expectations of reward or change. I think I could drop everything and move on if we started with a clean slate and he did his part but I don't think I can do it and not feel resentful if he continues to act with the same behavior that hurt me before. I will resent the fact that I am seemingly the only one working on changing and on working on our marriage and on communicating and resolving problems. I know it's what needs to be done I just don't know how and what to do in the situation that ok...I let it go...but he is still doing the same things or ignoring my needs. 

Any ideas? HELP.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. And yes, the things may still hurt you, but it does NOT mean that you should throw those back in your husband's face every time you argue. If there are things that are still hurting you, it sounds like going to a marriage counselor is a good thing and they should be able to help you learn how to deal with past resentments and discuss the true underlying issues with your husband in a calm and constructive manner. If there are still hurts over past offenses, yelling about them during a fight is NOT the time to be bringing them up. Save those for a time when you can sit down and discuss your feelings (using "I" statements) in a calm voice.


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

Find out what your love language and apology languages are....google it....as 5 love languages. Go to the home page and click on Assessments. You should both take the long quizzes to get a good assessment, but this will help you to understand what each of you need in order to truly forgive and what you need to feel loved after the forgiveness is accepted.

You should take this with you to Marriage Counselor to discuss as well.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I read in another thread someone suggesting they tried in their relationship to let go anything more than 2 years ago. Sounds like a good idea. I hold resentments too, but mostly because my OH has a memory like an elephant and (for example) is as we speak telling me he'll NEVER EVER EVER EVER FORGIVE ME if he doesn't spend the xx vs xxx match with our son (because he's remembering issues we've had during the World Cup obviously four and possibly 8 years ago) . 
There should be a statute of limitations on issues..... but then perhaps that should be a statute of limitations on issues that the victim agrees has been dealt with to their satisfaction. Until then, perhaps, it's ok to bring up????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Piecukonis said:


> I think I could drop everything and move on if we started with a clean slate and he did his part but I don't think I can do it and not feel resentful if he continues to act with the same behavior that hurt me before. I will resent the fact that I am seemingly the only one working on changing and on working on our marriage and on communicating and resolving problems.


I think this is true. But i also think there's more to it. I think a lot of the healing will have to come from you alone. that is why his apologies do nothing for you. and his changing will do very little for you. the paradox of healing is that the one that hurt you does not also have the power to heal you. there is very, very little healing that will come from him. that is why it is you that must do most of the work. that's the paradox. 

i used to get very angry that i was the one doing all the work in my marriage. but then of course i had an epiphany that unfortunately, fair or not, i was the one hurting and so i must be the one to do most of the work to heal. its not your H's fault. by nature of being human, he literally cant do anything for you. He can do some small things to give you hope for a future together, but the huge change will come from you alone. 

step away from fixing your marriage. if that causes you resentment then dont do it. fix you. find peace in your life again. no one can do that for you. i stepped away from my marriage awhile ago. im still married, but my heart is in my work now. what i do brings me a lot of joy so the issues with my H are slightly trivial. He has worked on changing though, which has helped. there definitely cannot be a marriage at all without that happening. but the healing of your own broken soul will come from you alone.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

I have a mother who does the same thing. I can get a complete list of every personal failing (real or imagined) from pre-birth, to the present day any time I'm foolish enough to talk to her. It certainly doesn't make me want to spend time with her, and it makes me not want to talk to her at all if I can possibly avoid it. I have no leverage to get her to change that behavior; so I avoid her, and I protect my family, and myself from her by minimizing contact to avoid conflict. 

If I had a spouse that did that ...it would likely end up with the same result over time. 

All I can tell you is you need to deal with conflicts at the lowest level, before they go onto a scorecard for later, and deal with the conflict in the present only. Its completely counterproductive to rehash ancient history over & over again. All that does is drive your partner away, and make them not want to talk to you at all (*which carries its own set of problems, and leads to more conflicts).


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