# Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!



## dmatters (Apr 19, 2017)

If you found this place more than likely you are in a desperate state, someone you love has committed a crime against you maybe it was today, last week or several months ago, probably this is the first time for you however this place is littered with people who have had to endure this again after so many broken promises. 
Whenever it happened to you here you are searching for some answers, trying to make sense of how someone can tell you they love you and yet treat you, your marriage / relationship, your future, your children so poorly.

First things first, you are probably going to lose weight, sleep and some of your sanity. Unless this was a loud circumstance or if they are younger your children won't know other than mom and dad are having a fight, many friends and family probably won't know either( as a side note think before you tell anyone other than the closest people to you at least right now, you will need support but telling too many or the wrong people may poison your relationship or that of your wayward if there is reconciliation).

Second and this is the most important you have some faults that are your responsibility in your relationship, but regardless of those things and no matter how much your wayward tries to place the blame on you for their poor choices you did not drive them, push them or give them cab fare to cheat on you. It wasn't a mistake they are an adult, it was a clear decision on their part, they chose to feed their selfish ego, vanity, desires for no other reason than the wanted to. 
Let me repeat they made the choice, the decision it was what they wanted to do, unless they were raped, drugged, passed out drunk(being drunk does not count you still have some sense about yourself) they did exactly what they wanted.

Now some people have the strength to file for divorce right away, maybe a separation, many just don't know what to do, don't let anyone (especially your wayward) force a decision you are not ready to make. If you have started to take stock of the person you thought you knew all this time you may begin to see how selfish, manipulative and controlling they are (many of us have) take control, right now you have the power in this issue remember not matter what the excuse how much they throw this on you it was their choice to betray you. 
Other than being honest, extremely remorseful and dare I say somewhat submissive your wayward shouldn't be interested in much else but your well being and hoping they can heal your relationship.
Unfortunately and in all reality your wayward will not be doing any of that, the percentage who do have true remorse, want nothing more to heal and rebuild is very small, after all the reason you are here is their selfish behavior and that won't change anytime soon. Be well.

For now that is all, I may add later.

My story started over 5 years ago, I was active on this board back then under the handle love=pain but since forgot any of the login info so here I am. Unfortunately my situation is "stuck in the mud" the reasons are my own but mainly I have decided to set aside what may be the best for me for what is best for my family (yes including my wayward). Our relationship is good in some areas, we still have sex and spend time together but much of that is out of habit (married over 25 years) but we do not have a romantic attachment although she wants one. I have been thinking of writing this for quite some time mostly as a vent and hopefully to help anyone that finds it useful. Thanks for listening


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Would you care to elaborate on your story... perhaps giving us a little backstory leading up to D-day.?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How old are the kids?


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## dmatters (Apr 19, 2017)

My youngest is now 16

My story

Found out she was sexting someone we had met at a party just a few days before in april '12 trickle truth for a few days next came out they had protected sex just a quick encounter in his living room, then found out about a neighbor she slept with several years before (only once haha isn't that what they all say) once again a quick encounter in a parking lot one night when I was working, couple of days later it comes out that she met him at a friends house for a much longer time,some more comes out that she was sexting some others during the April '12 time including another neighbor, a good friend and a stranger from a GNO(yes 3 different people).

Jump to fall of '12 find out the the quick encounter that was supposed to be in his living room was really an hour in his bed and included her giving him oral sex but piv sex was protected (had her tested immediately)

Ok got all that then fall of 15 found out about her having an affair with my best friend back in '09 according to her it was only a handful of times then stopped, all their encounters were unprotected as he was fixed then of course comes out the guy from april '12 was also unprotected because he was fixed as well.

Scorecard
Sex with a neighbor in '02 claims it was only once however some things point to this being a lie may have went on until '08
sex with my best friend '09 claims it was only a handful of times but there again may have started a few years before but does end summer of '09
sex with a stranger in '12 once again claims it was a one time thing but they may have done something at the party we were at and one other day about a week after.
sexting with a friend, another neighbor and a stranger in '12 as well

See isn't this fun.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Geez.

Your wife ain't cut out for either monogamy or marriage, man.

Just divorce already.

And hopefully you've long since dumped the "best friend".


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

dmatters,

Did you....

Polygraph the wife,

Have her write out a timeline

DNA the kids.

Expose the OM 

Expose your WW

Confront the OM

Have her sign a post nuptial

Tamat


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## dmatters (Apr 19, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> dmatters,
> 
> Did you....
> 
> ...


As I stated been at this awhile this started 5 years ago so I'm not wet behind the ears. 

No poly what's the point the things I do know are bad enough and have long since put it over the edge

Did the timeline

Kids all looks so much like me there is no doubt (too bad for them the mailman is so much better looking) 

Exposed all of them the neighbors ended up divorced thank God they moved
I contacted every one of them had a conversation amazing how much truth you glean from comparing the stories 

My ww did tell all the kids after the last thing came out that she had multiple affairs

Yep to the post nuptial not for money purposes wouldn't work in my state anyhow just behavior lot of good its done although she hasn't cheated since, not much in the way of heavy lifting (hate the term) which is why everything is where it is. After finding out about my best friend's involvement I completely gave up, luckily he and I had a falling out before I found this stuff out 

I have my own time line I am following, I came from a very dysfunctional family know who my father is but no contact since I was 15, the past few years have been all about getting everyone ready for the next step they just don't know about it. Ww does have an idea that it's leading to divorce, all finances were separated long ago, building credit up fixing up the house for sale etc. 

I should write a soap opera


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think the thing that amazes me is after ALL that betrayal....your WW NOW wants a romantic connection to you.

Does she mope or complain that you won't go there again after all her crap?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Be sure to consult with an atty if you haven't already. There may be issues such as alimony, retirement savings, pensions, etc which become more and more of an issue the longer you remain married.


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## dmatters (Apr 19, 2017)

Dyokemm said:


> I think the thing that amazes me is after ALL that betrayal....your WW NOW wants a romantic connection to you.
> 
> Does she mope or complain that you won't go there again after all her crap?


Like many cheaters she is very selfish, narcissistic and with most of this being my fault (isn't it always and no its not) she sees this as a grounds for reconciliation. Most of them want their sins forgotten asap while yours are forever. 
So yeah she gets pissy at times, I haven't
acknowledged or celebrated our anniversary in several years since this happened.


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## dmatters (Apr 19, 2017)

Thor said:


> Be sure to consult with an atty if you haven't already. There may be issues such as alimony, retirement savings, pensions, etc which become more and more of an issue the longer you remain married.


Already have, she works and i can make my income go away somewhat (self employed) so no alimony, kids are almost all over 18, we only have one real asset to split (the house) everything else was split up long time ago, I would take a bit of a hit money wise but that doesn't matter I can always make more.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Don't you deserve better?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dmatters said:


> Like many cheaters she is very selfish, narcissistic and with most of this being my fault (isn't it always and no its not) she sees this as a grounds for reconciliation. Most of them want their sins forgotten asap while yours are forever.
> So yeah she gets pissy at times, I haven't
> acknowledged or celebrated our anniversary in several years since this happened.


Damn.

There's no reconciling with that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You should still DNA the kids (if they agree).Your wife may be attracted to a certain type of man and if you all resemble each other.........


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## dmatters (Apr 19, 2017)

eric1 said:


> Don't you deserve better?


I sure do I am not going to be a martyr but I do believe that at times a parent should sacrifice in the best interest of their kids and so I am. This is a situation that has been decided and the time line I have in place for the ending won't change


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## dmatters (Apr 19, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> You should still DNA the kids (if they agree).Your wife may be attracted to a certain type of man and if you all resemble each other.........


the men she has been attracted to don't resemble me and the kids are definitely mine they look so much like me it's scary.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

We each choose our own path for various reasons. Serial cheaters never stop. Her past history tells you that. She's shown you who she is. She made her choices but so have you. 

You know this by now but continue to stay so that's on you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You should still DNA the kids (if they agree).


Why DNA the kids now. At their age, he already paid the freight and it ain't like he's going to recover anything. Just throwing good money after bad. Of course if they are planning on going to college on his dime, it may be worth the peace of mind knowing your money is chasing your dna.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

dmatters
Divorce, divorce and divorce. OR-say that you want a romantic connection, but with someone other than her, and then start dating. Remind your wife that she opened the marriage five years ago without asking you, now you want your fun, and she has to sit back and take it. Then when you find love, LEAVE HER FLAT. Give her a front row seat to what she did to you and then FINISH IT.

Now that I have re-read this thread, I must re-iterate, find someone to love now, let your wife know and leave her for another woman. If I were you, I'd be joining AM tomorrow. Life is short, you deserve an affair. Sauce for the goose, so to speak. Sir, you are around my age. If I were in your shoes, I would have left her flat. She gets no consequences out of this, her life outside of a few errant penises, has not changed one iota. You are destroyed, several marriages are kaput, I know I sound vindictive, but damn, man! Get some of your own back.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I just skimmed through your old posts. Lots of talk and reflection but zero action. You've been living this for years.

Your life is what you want to do with it. I'm assuming you're just here to vent but will stay.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

dmatters said:


> Already have, she works and i can make my income go away somewhat (self employed) so no alimony, kids are almost all over 18, we only have one real asset to split (the house) everything else was split up long time ago, I would take a bit of a hit money wise but that doesn't matter I can always make more.


I have been _told_, that some people visit Las Vegas to assuage their shattered lives after dealing with an unrepentant wandering wife, and "lose big" at the tables...as a cover for converting traceable assets into hard ones. (Gold coins are hard, for instance.)

At least, that's what I've been told. :laugh:


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vlad wrote, 

*"Why DNA the kids now. At their age, he already paid the freight and it ain't like he's going to recover anything"*

He can at least get a few thousand from the OM, were it me I would want a percentage of the cost of raising the child, or OM could chose the alternative.

Tamat


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

dmatters said:


> I sure do I am not going to be a martyr but I do believe that at times a parent should sacrifice in the best interest of their kids and so I am. This is a situation that has been decided and the time line I have in place for the ending won't change


To be specific I wasn't suggesting dissolving the marriage immediately. It looks like you've already spoke with an attorney, which was more in line with where I was going.

You just need to be taking action at this point. We advise a lot of people here and far and away the biggest issue are folks who are paralyzed. It's completely understandable to be so, but it's just a direction we often take because it's so common (and the biggest mistake that you can make). Talking to the attorney is a great first step so knowing that you can be action-oriented will help us advise you optimally for both your situation and personality. 

Exposure is probably the most important tool in your toolshed. Are any of her sexual partners married?


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## dmatters (Apr 19, 2017)

As always some good replies and some well that's how it goes

Marc878 you are right I have been dealing with this for 5 years now, not sure if you have been through this before but not everything is so easy, wish it was. I started the process of D jan 16 but stopped due to an issue with my youngest after that I decided to wait until he was out of school and off to college. I have 2 years until he graduates so right now I am focused on getting the house ready for sale as it does need some work.

I long ago did everything I could to protect, put away (hide) and separate our finances.

I do realize that I have wasted if you want to call it that or just put on hold my life in regards to any relationships I may have had if D would have happened years ago and that has been my decision not looking for anyone to extend sympathy or commiserate with me on my situation.

Patience, planning and being steady in big decisions has always worked well for me no sense in changing


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You appear to have a plan. Do what is best for you and your kids.


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