# Threatened with a Lie Detector Test



## flyersfan

My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything. She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can anyone give to me, I don't want to go through with the lie detector test, how do I get out of it without looking guilty.


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## turnera

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*

You don't deserve to have a marriage if you're not willing to be totally honest with your wife.

Sorry, no out there.


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## flyersfan

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*

I realize that, but we have 3 kids and really want to change my ways and want to stay together and I believe this is the only way to move forward.


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## mage62

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*

I'm sorry flyersfan but this is something you should have thought about before being unfaithful. Unfortunately, your wife has lost trust. The best thing you could do is be supportive of her feelings, be patient with her anger, sadness, and betrayal, and then hope for the best. If she doesn't stay, you can't really blame her. I don't think you are a horrible person, you just made a very big mistake. Unfortunately, it looks like you are going to have some big consequences, which you deserve.


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## turnera

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*



flyersfan said:


> I realize that, but we have 3 kids and really want to change my ways and want to stay together and I believe this is the only way to move forward.


If you really DID want to change your ways, you would WELCOME the lie detector test as a way to prove that you are changing by starting with a clean slate.

Why is LYING the only way to move forward?


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## flyersfan

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*

well turnera I believe that holding back on somethings I've done can save my marriage, but reveiling everything may not. I want to move forward and never want to be the way I was before I want to keep my wife and kids together. So I guess if thats what it takes then I have to do that I guess.


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## swedish

You say you are afraid the truth will ruin your marriage, but it seems to me that a marriage based on lies and betrayal is already in ruins. The truth may result in the end of your marriage, but the truth is not the cause...it is the choices you've made during your marriage to lie and cheat, but you didn't care enough about your marriage to resist the temptations/urges when they came along.

Maybe it's time to respect your wife enough to tell her the truth and let her decide where she goes from there. In my opinion, it is the only chance you have at a real marriage and partnership with your wife. It can bring you closer together and you can have a stronger marriage than ever or she may not ever be able to forgive and will move on, or you may not be able to remain faithful...but hiding behind lies is not the answer.


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## Blanca

thats awesome. smart girl.


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## Momof3kids

flyersfan said:


> My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything. She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can anyone give to me, I don't want to go through with the lie detector test, how do I get out of it without looking guilty.


First - why have you held back in telling her the absolute truth? If she already knows some of it - why not come absolutely clean with her and tell her the entirety of your unfaithfulness?

As far as the lie detector test goes - you can't get out of it without looking guilty. Period. If you attempt to, your wife will not only resent your lying, but she will take it as a sign that you are not fully committed to saving the marriage. While the sordid details may be painful, it's better for her to hear them from you and not someone else.

You can't begin to rebuild if you aren't starting from a point of absolute, uncorrupted truth.


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## Tanelornpete

flyersfan said:


> My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything. She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can anyone give to me, I don't want to go through with the lie detector test, how do I get out of it without looking guilty.


If you do NOT take the test, you WILL look guilty - because it is your wife's perception of you that is being verified.

Moreover, your wife already perceives that you are lying to her. And that's exactly what you are doing. Withholding information is done for one thing only - to control your wife. You are trying to manipulate the outcome so that it best suits you. You are willing to use your wife as a tool to make you feel good, no matter what it does to her.

In other words, by lying to her, you are showing her the limits to the love you profess you have for her. You are placing your personal happiness above the commitment you made to her, and you are willing to sacrifice her happiness to maintain your own. By what right are you granted the authority to sacrifice someone else's happiness? 

Take the test. You know you will just deny whatever it reveals anyway. You'll still be lying!

My advice - simply sit down with your wife, apologize sincerely for not trusting her enough to be honest with her, and ask her to forgive you. Then tell her all - and ask her to forgive you again for lying to her. Be honest. 

If you want a good marriage - one that will reward you with happiness and strength - then you must build it on a foundation of openness and honesty. Truth is by far a better thing to build on than lies.

If you do NOT come clean, your wife will never, ever trust you again, and you will live a miserable life with her until your marriage ends. You'll spend endless hours of effort covering up, manipulating and controlling her, while she (and you) grow more and more resentful.

----------------
Now playing: Frank Sinatra - I Can Read Between The Lines
via FoxyTunes


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## Affaircare

flyersfan said:


> My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything. She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can anyone give to me, I don't want to go through with the lie detector test, how do I get out of it without looking guilty.


There are several things you mention in this small post that are ally myths. Just to make sure I have the facts right, you DID have an affair and you DID NOT tell your wife everything. Right?

_"... I believe this (the lie detector) could ruin our marriage ..."_

Nope--but the affair might and choosing to withhold information might and continuing to lie to the one to whom you committed definitely WILL. 

_"... I really do not want that (end the marriage) to happen..."_ 

Then your words and actions need to match, and your actions clearly said that you value someone else FAR above your wife. You were willing to hurt her, destroy her, and betray her...and when she found you, you were willing to lie to her! If you actually, really do not want the marriage to end, you are going to have to MAN UP and admit what you've done...all of it. Then I'd probably suggest some counseling to figure out why you were willing to act in a way that was so harmful and figure out how to change how you act and never do that again. 

Lying and squirming out of the lie detector does not save your marriage. Telling the truth and showing actual remorse MIGHT.

*"...What advice can anyone give to me?..." *

My advice would be to stop trying to cover up the deep, lifelong harm you've done by choosing your affair partner over your wife, give her the respect she deserves, sit her down and tell her EVERYTHING. No holding back and no lying and no denying what you know you did! Let her cry and rage--she has the right. You actually did betray her, and she trusted you! Comfort her. Be a man and be the leader, and take the lead in fixing this. SHOW her with your actions that you mean it, rather than making empty promises and not having the guts to follow through. 

_"...I don't want to go through with the lie detector test..."_

This may be the first actually honest thing you've written. YOU don't want to have to tell the truth or be faced with the consequences of what you did. YOU don't want to be in a position to have to tell the truth. 

_"...how do I get out of it without looking guilty?..."_

You can't--because you ARE guilty. You actually had an affair. You actually destroyed your wife. You actually damaged your marriage beyond belief by choosing another woman over her. You actually hacked your marriage to pieces by lying about it and trying to cover up. 

I hope you learn the lesson that lying and covering up do not help but actually heap more and more and more on your head, making matters worse and worse. My advice to you would be to come clean now, tonight, and start from scratch trying to rebuild your marriage on honesty. And just a reminder, she has the right to know if she's at risk for an STD and the right to decide for herself if she wants to continue a marriage based on all the facts. To deny her that right in order to spare yourself some hurt is not thinking of her, respecting her, or loving her--it's being selfish. Sooo...tell the truth now and love her more than you love yourself. THEN your marriage has a chance--but until then I'd say


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## swedish

Tanelornpete said:


> ----------------
> Now playing: Frank Sinatra - I Can Read Between The Lines
> via FoxyTunes


How fitting the song title you were listening to...I think OP's wife realizes she is not getting the full story.



Affaircare said:


> You can't--because you ARE guilty. You actually had an affair. You actually destroyed your wife. You actually damaged your marriage beyond belief by choosing another woman over her. You actually hacked your marriage to pieces by lying about it and trying to cover up.


Gosh, exactly what I was thinking...nicely put!


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## artieb

flyersfan said:


> My wife has recently found out I've been unfaithful to her during our marriage. I have held back on telling her everything. She now has scheduled a lie detector test for me so she can get her answers. I believe this could ruin our marriage and I really do not want that to happen. What advice can anyone give to me, I don't want to go through with the lie detector test, how do I get out of it without looking guilty.


To start with, lie detectors don't work. Guilty people get away, and innocent people get accused of lying, way too often for anyone to rely on the things. The results are about what you'd get if you visited an experienced psychic who uses Tarot cards, or someone like that guy who "talks to dead people". The people who use the detectors are pretty good at what's called "cold reading", but unlike psychics they have to be specific and so they can't be right as often.

You might like _The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading_, by Ian Rowland, which explains how a person who's never met you before can seem to know all sorts secrets about your inner life. The methods are the same whether the prop is a crystal ball or a polygraph. You might also visit "antipolygraph.org".

HOWEVER, none of that has anything to do with _your_ problem, which is that your wife doesn't trust you because you haven't been trustworthy. And your idea of how to fix matters is to _continue_ to be untrustworthy by lying to her.

I think your solution lies in "be honest". It's probably not for everyone, but there's a movement called "Radical Honesty" (which comes with a bunch of books, of course) in which the view is that you should go beyond merely not fibbing at any time in any way, but you should also just blurt out whatever you're thinking whenever you think it. That last step is probably not entirely wise, but the first part could do you some good.

Sit down with your wife. Say "I'm going to tell you the truth. Some of this is going to hurt you, for which I'm sorry. When I'm done you can ask me any question you want." Then tell her the truth about the things she's been asking and answer the rest of her questions honestly.

Your problem isn't the polygraph test; polygraph machines don't work. Your problem is that you're a liar, and the only solution to that is to stop lying. If the truth costs you your marriage, that'll be awful for everyone involved but it'll still be better than a relationship which can only survive if it's based on lies.

If you do end up doing the polygraph test, be sure you finish the Rowland's book first. It'll be much more interesting when you know the cold reading method that the polygraph operator uses.


NOTE: I do not accuse any particular polygraph operator or psychic of dishonesty. They probably really believe that they can find out the truth, or that they have special insight to the spiritual realm, or whatever. People who are naturally good with other people can do cold reading without even trying to, like how some people have perfect pitch or an eye for painting. Some are probably dishonest, just like some people in any other profession or who believe in anything else, but my inclination is to believe that the practitioners merely misattribute whatever success they have to their props.

But even for those who sincerely believe in Tarot cards or crystal balls or polygraph machines, that belief is not itself evidence that the items do anything at all.


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## sisters359

Ok, I've stopped laughing enough to respond. I know it is not laughable to you, but to those of us on the outside, it is very funny to see a liar and cheater trying to get advice on how to continue to lie so he won't be punished for his cheating. 

Just 'fess up already. You have nothing to lose at this point. Your marriage is doomed b/c you are a narcissist (I suspect). All that matters to you is you. No one but a narcissist even have asked the question. 

The ONE thing that might save you and your marriage (or you, at least, if it doesn't save the marriage), would be entering treatment now for what are obviously serious problems: cheating and lying, and not seeing how incredibly damaging it is (we can tell you don't get it b/c you are asking for advice on how to lie some more and how to escape the consequences of your own actions). There are reasons you lie and cheat, and a good therapist will help you uncover those reasons and confront them, and you will learn how to change your behaviors. It's not easy but it can be done. Most people lie and cheat to avoid conflict (cheating comes when you are unhappy in the marriage and don't want to deal with telling your spouse that and don't want to deal with the potential end of the marriage, which is the ultimate conflict in many people's minds). Some people are beyond that--they lie and cheat b/c they want to do what they want to do and don't care about things like truth and honesty and integrity. Only you know where you fit. But again, maybe therapy will help you out.


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## turnera

I have a question for you:

Why do you deserve your wife?


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## Freak On a Leash

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*



turnera said:


> If you really DID want to change your ways, you would WELCOME the lie detector test as a way to prove that you are changing by starting with a clean slate.


:iagree:

I'm on the opposite side. My husband believes I had an affair 15 years ago with an ex-boyfriend. No matter how many times I tell him this wasn't the case he doesn't quite believe me and will bring it up in a heated argument or discussion. I will say that the incident he brings up does make me look really bad but I never, ever cheated on my husband, even in the worst of times.

He's known me for almost 30 years and you'd think he could tell if I was lying or not but he just says stuff like "Well, I want to believe you" or "I believe you 85% of the time." I feel like the innocent person who was sent to prison for a crime I didn't commit. 

So the last time it came up I said to him "I will take a lie detector test and PAY for it.". Did that make him happy? No. He went on about how the tests weren't always accurate, etc, etc. I think he just likes having an emotional club to bludgeon me with when it suits him. But hopefully my offer will at least convince him a bit more and shut him up about it. 

So take the damn test and stop protecting or hiding from the truth. Put the issue to rest. You look REALLY bad acting as you do.


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## OhGeesh

swedish said:


> You say you are afraid the truth will ruin your marriage, but it seems to me that a marriage based on lies and betrayal is *already in ruins*. The truth may result in the end of your marriage, but the truth is not the cause...it is the choices you've made during your marriage to lie and cheat, but you didn't care enough about your marriage to resist the temptations/urges when they came along.
> 
> Maybe it's time to respect your wife enough to tell her the truth and let her decide where she goes from there. In my opinion, it is the only chance you have at a real marriage and partnership with your wife. It can bring you closer together and you can have a stronger marriage than ever or she may not ever be able to forgive and will move on, or you may not be able to remain faithful...but hiding behind lies is not the answer.


I hate it when people say that so much!!!!!! Okay for everyone who believes that crap go home and tell your significant other every little bad thought, skirting of the truth, lustful look, for the guys every double take, masturbation, look at a porn page, then take it further every bad thought towards your spouse, every little thing you don't like, you really want to be honest and have a relationship based on trust/honesty right? 


This isn't normal imo!!! What's the difference? I can think of many instances where I wouldn't want to take a lie detector test for simple fact they aren't even 1/2 proof especially with people that suffer from anxiety they are a joke, imo.

You know people blow it a affair isn't murder, rape, or molestation some people make it seem like such!!!!! There are some things that are definitely better left unsaid I'm not saying it's fair, but it's true. Knowing every nuance does not make anything better imo and for anyone who wants to know that, why?

I'm not divorced and very happily married and my wife and I have tons of trust in our relationship often you guys/gals are crazy saying lie detector test, gps the car, hand over all accounts, what does this solve either the person is sorry and will "repent" for lack of a better word or they aren't. It's not like they couldn't fake it all over again? All that does is drive a stake between two people imo...not like the affair didn't.

Putting up all of these boundaries, walls, no privacy, no me time, constant doubting does no good. I know a psycho wife who paid a escort to go flirt with her "trying to be faithful" husband just to see if he would....wtf?

Like I've said many times I don't want to know ever and if she wants to move on then fine, but I'm a forgive and forget type of person!! I love my marriage and don't want to know when she thinks "Bob is hot", "I wish my husband was more charismatic", "Had a fling on a business trip" or whatever it might be. Have fun, talk alot, plan your futures, live your dreams, keep it fresh in the bedroom, and enjoy life all of this lock and key is nuts to me.

For the OP, I don't have a answer for you, but can understand your POV as I can understand your spouses. I guess the big issue is what don't you want to say? Isn't it something "smaller" or "bigger" often we can justify things we do I'd bet if your trying to hide something very "big" it will eat at you, but maybe not.

Good luck either way!!


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## turnera

Geesh, when someone is cheating, you cannot move in normal paths. They are addicted to the thrill of cheating. You have to fight that addiction, just like you would a drug addict's addiction.

Once you have gotten the interloper out of the equation, THEN you work on fixing the miarriage. But you have to stop the affair first.


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## lastinline

Great post artieb. This is what I love about TAM. I never cease to be amazed at the level of knowledge of people who post on this form. I am curious about this book on cold reading people. What a useful skill.

Sorry for the ADD moment flyersfan. I am now back to your question Sir. To be blunt, perception is a mother f***er. You've already admitted the affair, but even if you hadn't cheated you'd still be swimming against the current.

She thinks you are an adulterer and a liar. Therefore in her world/reality you are. In this case you are doubly screwed, because her reality is actually your reality as well. 

I normally don't reply to threads flyersfan with such mystical fortune-cookie answers. However, in this case I am making an exception. Unfortunately, you are truly asking the impossible. Other than own up, I don't see what else you can reasonably do to alter your situation. 

I would advise complete ugly honesty, damage control, and a whole lot of prayer FF. I would also advise that you take out one of those yellow stickies and you write all of this stuff down so you don't screw up your next relationship. Fidelity is everything.

LIL


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## Kimon

You have been given a no win situation. If you take the test and pass, she can claim that liars pass the test all the time. If you take the test and fail, you were lying.

It is obvious that she no longer trusts you so following the advice of listening to her "feelings" and taking the test at the expense of your own, is just more punishment she wants to heap upon you.

Perhaps one day you will get tired of being treated as a liar. Yes you made a mistake, and she obviously does not want to give you a second chance, her demanding you to take a lie detector test proves that.

Therefore unless she changes her tune, and decides to give you a real second chance, within the next few weeks you should consider leaving the marriage.


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## turnera

Say What, Kimon?

HE cheated, and doesn't want to tell his wife the truth, and yet HE should leave HER, since she won't trust him?

Riiiiiight.


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## Kimon

Yes he cheated. How long must he pay for that? He doesn't want to tell her everything because it will just upset her. Same thing with the lie detector. It is plainly obvious to me she isn't looking to forgive him, she is looking to punish him. If he is okay with that by all means stay with her. 

He is screwed either way. If he tells her everything she gets mad and leaves. If he hide things she gets mad and leaves. I am not saying he didnt do anything wrong, he did. He doesn't need to pay for it for the rest of his life.


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## turnera

No, just until he vows to treat his wife with respect and go to her in humility, rather than self preservation.


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## Nicky*

You don't want to ruin your marriage, yet you choose to cheat on your wife... Laughable.


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## artieb

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*



Freak On a Leash said:


> My husband believes I had an affair 15 years ago with an ex-boyfriend.
> 
> So the last time it came up I said to him "I will take a lie detector test and PAY for it.". Did that make him happy? No. He went on about how the tests weren't always accurate, etc, etc.


He's right about that; "lie detector" machines are nothing of the kind and fail (both "report truth as lies" and "report lies as truth") far too often to be relied on by anyone.

If you feel bad _now_, how will you feel if you take the test and flunk?

I think your solution is to stop talking about it. If you're arguing about something, and he brings it up, just say "I know you want to believe the worst about that incident, and I've given up changing your mind, but it has nothing to do with what we're discussing _now_, does it?" Okay, so he has a club. But that doesn't mean you have to stand there and let him whack you with it.


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## turnera

It should be noted that artieb has a bias against lie detectors based on personal experience.

But I agree they are not 100% valid.

That said, the OP has NO intention of being honest. Everything he says is about NOT telling the truth.

OF COURSE his partner wants a test. She KNOWS he's full of sh&t.


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## sisters359

I actually think it sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship, but only b/c I cannot imagine why she wants the test or what more she needs to know. But I'm not in her shoes. If I were, they'd be Nikes and I'd be flyin' out the door and down the road, never looking back. He cheats and lies--what more would I need to know?


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## artieb

turnera said:


> It should be noted that artieb has a bias against lie detectors based on personal experience.


This is true, but I also have a bias to the view that Earth is round based on personal experience, and nobody has ever presented any good evidence that either bias is wrong. Every responsible study of either subject (lie detectors or the shape of our planet) has always come to the same conclusion: Earth is round, lie detectors don't work.

If you know of any responsible research of any kind which supports the claims of polygraph believers, or flat Earthers, feel free to share it.

I'm sensitive to the subject because of my personal experience. But I hold the views I do because the objectively-available evidence is overwhelmingly persuasive. I've got personal experience with other failed tests too (including a pregnancy test which caused no small degree of alarm), but I don't make a big deal about them because most of the time they work, and nothing is 100%. If my friend had been screwed over by a polygraph had been a one-in-a-million fluke, I'd feel bad for him but I wouldn't rant about the machines. But the best result for polygraphs that I know of from a competent scientific test was only 60%, and most of the properly-done studies give a result of 50%. So you could replace the polygraph with a coin and you'd do about as well.

Also, in the interest of full disclosure, aren't you friends with someone who operates the machines, and doesn't that bias your view as well?




> That said, the OP has NO intention of being honest. Everything he says is about NOT telling the truth.


Nothing can help him as long as he is determined not to live his life, but to pretend he is living someone else's life. He wants to hide his actual experiences from his wife, he who he really is and the things that have made him who he is, in hopes she will love the man he's pretending to be.

That's probably why he had affairs in the first place: on some level, he doesn't feel accepted by his wife, because he's always pretending, and he wants the company of another woman with whom he "can be himself". He'll tell the other women things like "She doesn't understand me", and he's not lying: since he is always pretending, how can she understand who he really is? What he can't see is that it's his fault she doesn't understand him.

I wonder how long it's been since the OP sat down with anyone and said 10 true things in a row.


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## turnera

Does anyone here watch Tool Academy on VH1?

It is amazing to watch; these women (typically) bring their boyfriends to the show under the guise of a contest, and once they are there, they are told that their girlfriend has had it with them and their lying and cheating and general bad behavior. They are offered to stay on the show to learn better behavior and compete to win $100,000 as "Tools" are eliminated. 

Sometimes you can tell the guys who will never change; they get eliminated pretty fast. But it's really nice to watch some guys realize what they have done (most are totally oblivious to the pain they've caused) and try to change. 

My favorite show is when they bring their parents on and show them the videos the guys make at the beginning, when they think they're competing for 'macho stud' or whatever, and they talk about the lying and cheating and STDs, etc. 

That right there is why I ALWAYS advocate telling your cheating spouse's parents - the only people on earth whose shame can cut you to your core.


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## Freak On a Leash

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*



artieb said:


> He's right about that; "lie detector" machines are nothing of the kind and fail (both "report truth as lies" and "report lies as truth") far too often to be relied on by anyone.
> 
> If you feel bad _now_, how will you feel if you take the test and flunk?
> 
> I think your solution is to stop talking about it. If you're arguing about something, and he brings it up, just say "I know you want to believe the worst about that incident, and I've given up changing your mind, but it has nothing to do with what we're discussing _now_, does it?" Okay, so he has a club. But that doesn't mean you have to stand there and let him whack you with it.


Sorry for the thread drift but I'd like to address this point. 

You've pretty much read my mind! That's what I've done. I once told him he should call this old boyfriend and ask him (he did think about that one but decided he didn't want to go there) and yes, if I did take a test and flunked (I didn't realize that they weren't foolproof) then it _would_ really be bad, wouldn't it? :scratchhead:

Last year my husband and I spent weeks talking things out on the path to reconciliation. He asked me a lot of painful questions and I answered them honestly and learned and gained insight on a lot of things. I tried very hard to understand things from his POV, something that I haven't been all that good at over the years. If I'd had an affair of ANY type THAT would've been the time when I would've told him. To live a lie isn't for me. I'm not like that. I'm also not the type to cheat on my marriage. My parents played those games and I've always vowed never to do what they did. 

As angry and bitter as I was over the years, I always loved my husband and my sense of honor and responsibility to our family and my own morality would never have allowed me to cheat with someone else. I did some crappy stuff over the years but I'm proud to say that adultery wasn't one of them. 

Plus, my husband is a great guy and a wonderful father and provider. He deserves my honesty and respect. But sometimes he gets angry and says things and out comes the emotional club. I've basically told him "Enough" on several issues, including this one and things have been getting better, not worse, in our marriage. Right now we are probably the happiest we've ever been in 25 years. It's due to many things but I guess we're doing something right. 

I guess what the OP is facing is the emotional club syndrome. His wife is hurt and angry and is using the emotional club to smack him around and it's to be expected. I don't think I deserve it because I didn't DO anything but he freely admits he did and now it's payback time and payback is a beotch. 

If the lie detector test is off-putting then he should be as open and honest about EVERYTHING and clear the air with his wife. If he comes of as defensive or evasive and is obviously hiding something then it's not going to work. Time to come clean or make a clean break. He can't have it both ways.


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## Blanca

sisters359 said:


> I actually think it sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship, but only b/c I cannot imagine why she wants the test or what more she needs to know. But I'm not in her shoes. If I were, they'd be Nikes and I'd be flyin' out the door and down the road, never looking back. He cheats and lies--what more would I need to know?


:rofl::iagree:


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## amanda1959

Hi I'm Amanda from the post " Bi-sexual husband a man's opinion please". I am dealing with a husband that could potentially be bi-sexual or in the closet even though he is saying no way. I have recently considered a lie detector test as well . Where can you get one? How do you go about it? How much do they cost? I know this sounds disfunctional but could cost me a whole lot of grief in the long run,and I could have some peace of mind.


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## amanda1959

I just realized I asked a liar where to get a lie detector test...how funny is that??

regarding your lies and your request for advise to get out of your lies....I think you SUCK at marriage and need to take a hard look at your self and ask why and how you can be so deceitful. Tell her the truth she already doesn't believe you.


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## artieb

amanda1959 said:


> I am dealing with a husband that could potentially be bi-sexual or in the closet even though he is saying no way. I have recently considered a lie detector test as well.


Even if lie detectors worked, which most studies agree that they don't, they still wouldn't be "truth detectors". A person can honestly believe something that's not true.

And what will you do with the results? If it says he's not bi or gay, will that make your problems go away? if it says he is, will that settle your mind on what to do next?

There is no quick fix, no magic wand, no vial of Veritaserum, no Oracle at Delphi. If a relationship is seriously broken, everybody involved has to do serious work to fix it. And you can only do your share: if another person decides that the work is too hard, there's no way you can make up for their absence.


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## amanda1959

Artieb...this liars wife is in pain and her peace of mind has been robbed from her. It is effecting her body, mind and spirit. Any answers to set her free right now will release her from her torment. Yes in my case if a lie detector test revealed my husband not bi or gay would give me great relief and if it said he is that would certainly help me move on...it is a tool not a quick fix
ps. he agreed to one immediately when I asked him last night


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## artieb

amanda1959 said:


> Any answers to set her free right now will release her from her torment.


*ANY* answers? Then why not just flip a coin? Heads, he's lying. Tails, he's telling the truth.

A polygraph test is only 50% accurate, which is the same reliability as flipping a coin. Why use the polygraph instead of 
the coin?




> Yes in my case if a lie detector test revealed my husband not bi or gay would give me great relief and if it said he is that would certainly help me move on.


The thing you have to understand is that a polygraph machine is no better than if you flipped a coin. Would it be a great relief if you flipped the coin and it came up tails? Why or why not?


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## amanda1959

aaaahhhhhh funny you should say flip a coin...I do that because he has driven me to the obsession for an answer...I am truly thinking this is making me mentally ill sometimes. I do believe the lie detector test is more accurate than 50/50...I was thinking about trying it on myself first isn't that crazy?...anyway will hold off on testing my husband I just don't want to spend $150/hr on therapy and I think I need it at this point I am too obsessed even on this website too much!


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## turnera

artieb said:


> Why use the polygraph instead of
> the coin?


Because, as has been discussed, the main benefit of using a polygraph is that most people, when confronted with having to take one, have such a fear of authority, being outed, and censure, that they step up and admit to most of their transgressions before they even get to the test. 

It brings the liar back down to the level of the honorable person so they can operate on an even keel. It takes away the liar's safety platform so that they stop thinking they are invincible.


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## artieb

turnera said:


> Because, as has been discussed, the main benefit of using a polygraph is that most people, when confronted with having to take one, have such a fear of authority, being outed, and censure, that they step up and admit to most of their transgressions before they even get to the test.


So you approve of using unreliable equipment because many people incorrectly believe that the machines work?

Isn't it dishonest to take advantage of someone else's mistaken beliefs for your own benefit?


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## michzz

It takes a sociopath with no empathy for others or a trained lie detector avoider, like a CIA person to avoid revealing their deception in a lie detector session.

Your garden variety cheater will be exposed.

Worth calling a potential cheater's bluff by insisting they take the test. If the person is not a cheater and there is reasonable suspicion, they would willingly take the test to show their loyalty to their vows and their spouse.

Being annoyed? Sure, if not guilty. If guilty? Too bad, yo've earned lumps.


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## artieb

amanda1959 said:


> I do believe the lie detector test is more accurate than 50/50.


No properly-conducted scientific study has ever come up with results better than 60%, and that only happened once (so it may have just been a fluke). Most scientific studies have concluded that the machines are accurate at only 50%.

Two separate governmental advisory boards have investigated polygraph machines and concluded that they are not reliable enough to be trusted. There are dead US agents who would be alive if the CIA hadn't trusted polygraph machines. The terrorist who mailed anthrax to people in 2001 passed two polygraph tests.

To the best of my knowledge, and I have looked, there is *no* scientifically-valid evidence that polygraph machines work much better than random chance. None. So why would you believe in them?

In a post about astrology and tarot cards, I said that it's not enough to be honest and say what you really believe: you also have to test what you believe to see if it's really true. Polygraph machines have failed every time they've been put to a scientifically-rigorous test.

I'm sorry for your pain. I truly am. Some days I read the posts on this site and I feel totally powerless. I was supposed to get wise when I got old, but people here ask questions I have no answers for at all.

And I really wish there was some way you could get the truth once and for all and be settled in your mind. But as of right now, there just isn't a technological solution for you, any more than there's a car that gets 500mpg. Maybe one day, but not yet.


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## artieb

michzz said:


> It takes a sociopath with no empathy for others or a trained lie detector avoider, like a CIA person to avoid revealing their deception in a lie detector session.


Why do you believe this?


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## turnera

artie, I understand you have a personal stake in getting people to not use them because of your experience, but the majority of people - and the majority of the websites I found the other night, when I looked to make sure I wasn't off target - agree that it does work on most people and is effective enough to provide valid information.

You've made your case, as has everyone else. Now it's up to the readers here to make up their own minds on if they should use them.


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## amanda1959

for what it's worth my husband said he would submit to a lie detector test...no problem...I'll see how I feel in time....


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## Mike188

flyersfan, if you love your wife you need to come clean and tell the truth. Don't make her resort to a lie detector. Anything short of that is BS and you are a lying piece of dung and are living your life that way. You are worried about hurting her? If she is wanting a lie detector then she is ALREADY hurting. I dsagree with some of the other posters. If you tell the truth you deserve and should endure everything she throws at you every day.


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## Morgoth

Lie detecter test's dont actualy work,you would all know this if you noticed that both in the states,uk & all other countrys there not ammisable in a court of law.
Also if anyone watches the UK program QI,they tell you a number of way's as to how to fool these things.:lol:


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## w.s.winstonsarah

*Re: Need some advice and opinions on sudden dilemma*



flyersfan said:


> well turnera I believe that holding back on somethings I've done can save my marriage, but reveiling everything may not. I want to move forward and never want to be the way I was before I want to keep my wife and kids together. So I guess if thats what it takes then I have to do that I guess.


Reguardless of what went on in the marriage you should have never take the path you took.


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## w.s.winstonsarah

amanda1959 said:


> I just realized I asked a liar where to get a lie detector test...how funny is that??
> 
> regarding your lies and your request for advise to get out of your lies....I think you SUCK at marriage and need to take a hard look at your self and ask why and how you can be so deceitful. Tell her the truth she already doesn't believe you.


Shazzam!!!

That was good!!!!:rofl:


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## Bloodymary

If I thought for one second my husband was being unfaithful...I would snoop until I found out what was happening...and then make my choices. You ask so much of us...and all we expect is that you uphold your vows. When you don't that gives us permission to find out WFT is going on.


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## OneMarriedGuy

While the argument about lie detectors goes on I think the answer is here. Come clean with her, tell her the truth, then a lie detector will not be needed.

As is your marriage will not last so the only way to give it that possibility is to come clean, be honest, accept responsibility and take the crap for what you did.

now back top regularly scheduled programming.... let me get my popcorn so I can watch the rest of the lie detector show (dang this is not going to be good for my diet )


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## MRB

Just fess up to EVERYTHING before the test. Then take the test. She needs to deal with the whole truth before she can get over it. Otherwise things will never get better. Hopefully you have resolved to stop cheating though or else it's all in vain.


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## krogers58

My wife had an affair, which I basically caught her in the act of. She insisted that I "pay her back" and have my own, and to not tell her about it. I did try on several occasions to have an affair, but never got further than striking up a platonic friendship with two different women. It took all I had to get over her infidelity, the last thing I wanted to do was pay her back. Both of these friendships, were only short-lived, and nothing, not even a kiss nor a hand hold came from them. That was several years ago, and as much as it hurt, I managed to swallow the pain, and to not bring it up, and to try and treat her as best I could. At first, I despised her, but after, I began to think it was my fault for not doing something I should've been doing, so I made myself a model husband. I never bring it up, ever. Lately, she has been accusing me, without any reason, whatsoever, of having an affair, to pay her back, and she wants me to take a lie detector test to prove my fidelity. This is the last straw, as far as I'm concerned. I loved my wife, and tried my best, but her insecurities, in my opinion, are what drove her to an affair in the first place and they have now re-surfaced in spades. She has no basis for this request, other than a guilty conscience, as far as I can see. I saw a counselor, and together we worked through my feelings, and they are that I leave the marriage with this woman, as she has cheated on me, and continues to suspect me of cheating on her, going so far now, as to have withheld sex for the last two years as a result. I live in a fault divorce state, and the only question is to whether or not my anger is such that I stick her with an easily provable fault divorce or not. We have no children, and she has not worked throughout our ten year marriage. She has contributed nothing, she never cooks, cleans, nor does anything around the house. I have hired a maid, and do my own laundry and cooking. My resentment of her, has reached a fevered pitch, and I'm afraid she is going to be totally blindsided, by what several lawyers have told me is a slam dunk case. So, men aren't always the jerks that many appear to make them out to be on this board.


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## PBear

Dude,

The original post was over 4 years ago. He's long gone from the marriage, I'd guess.

C


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## murphy5

as everyone else has told you, you can not hold ANYTHING back. Write it all down in a time line. List all the gory details. If she asks for more clarification, give it.

The lie detector was a smart move on her part. Without it you, obviously, were never going to come clean. 

(submitted for posterity)


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## PhillyGuy13

I'm surprised this guy only got ripped for 3 1/2 pages.

I cheated on my wife, I told her everything, and now she wants me to take a lie detector test, but I don't want to do that, because I actually haven't told her everything and it will ruin my marriage.

LOL!!!

Nice to see turnera was still here way back in 2010. Fresh out of college, I assume.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I'm surprised this guy only got ripped for 3 1/2 pages.
> 
> I cheated on my wife, I told her everything, and now she wants me to take a lie detector test, but I don't want to do that, because I actually haven't told her everything and it will ruin my marriage.
> 
> LOL!!!
> 
> Nice to see turnera was still here way back in 2010. Fresh out of college, I assume.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl:
Ah Zombies gotta love them.


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## tom67

krogers58 said:


> My wife had an affair, which I basically caught her in the act of. She insisted that I "pay her back" and have my own, and to not tell her about it. I did try on several occasions to have an affair, but never got further than striking up a platonic friendship with two different women. It took all I had to get over her infidelity, the last thing I wanted to do was pay her back. Both of these friendships, were only short-lived, and nothing, not even a kiss nor a hand hold came from them. That was several years ago, and as much as it hurt, I managed to swallow the pain, and to not bring it up, and to try and treat her as best I could. At first, I despised her, but after, I began to think it was my fault for not doing something I should've been doing, so I made myself a model husband. I never bring it up, ever. Lately, she has been accusing me, without any reason, whatsoever, of having an affair, to pay her back, and she wants me to take a lie detector test to prove my fidelity. This is the last straw, as far as I'm concerned. I loved my wife, and tried my best, but her insecurities, in my opinion, are what drove her to an affair in the first place and they have now re-surfaced in spades. She has no basis for this request, other than a guilty conscience, as far as I can see. I saw a counselor, and together we worked through my feelings, and they are that I leave the marriage with this woman, as she has cheated on me, and continues to suspect me of cheating on her, going so far now, as to have withheld sex for the last two years as a result. I live in a fault divorce state, and the only question is to whether or not my anger is such that I stick her with an easily provable fault divorce or not. We have no children, and she has not worked throughout our ten year marriage. She has contributed nothing, she never cooks, cleans, nor does anything around the house. I have hired a maid, and do my own laundry and cooking. My resentment of her, has reached a fevered pitch, and I'm afraid she is going to be totally blindsided, by what several lawyers have told me is a slam dunk case. So, men aren't always the jerks that many appear to make them out to be on this board.


Go start your own thread we'll be there.
I think divorce would be a good thing for you.


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## ConfusedSpouse

I found this comment very interesting and would like some feedback "You are placing your personal happiness above the commitment you made to her, and you are willing to sacrifice her happiness to maintain your own. By what right are you granted the authority to sacrifice someone else's happiness?" 

My wife and I have lived in a sexless marriage for many years. Even though I have asked her to go to therapy, the doctor etc she states its not as important to her as it is me. Hasn't she in a sense sacrificed my happiness to maintain her own.. I read a lot of these threads that talk about infidelity but not much perspective from women who thinks its find to withhold sex from their husband and are then shocked when they learn of an infidelity.


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