# Need advice from other WS on withdrawal



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

Okay, so I am a WS and have had NC (sorta) for 2 months. I haven't actually talked with OM but have continued contact with OM wife. I've decided to cut that "friendship" off since I know my main reason for staying in touch is to fish for info.

What I would like to know is what have other WS done to overcome the withdrawal from the OM/OW? My husband and I are working on R.


----------



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

One clear your thinking. Don't use weasel words. No contact is a binary thing you are either in contact, or you aren't.

Since you are fishing for information you are in contact.


You need to understand that affairs, are ultimately illusions. It's easy to create a fantasy construct, and enjoy all the pleasurable parts of a relationships when none of the work is involved. You don't have to clean up after him, you haven't heard his jokes a thousand times, etc. 

You need to reframe your understanding of this man's motivations and his character - do you really think you are so special that this man pursued you or welcomed your advances, and betrayed his family - or is more likely he enjoyed easy gratification? That's what you were - easy gratification and a dopamine rush. The faster you crush the nostalgia for this man, the sooner you can be a whole person.

Affairs are addictive, if the sex and the rush, and the flutters weren't fun and exciting, you wouldn't have betrayed your husband. You are an adult, you can't always control your emotions but you can certainly control your actions.

Make the decision that you value yourself as a person, and the idea of being someone's side-dish, will be loathsome.

Edit: I'm not a wayward spouse, your sense of withdrawal is common though, particularly in text heavy affairs. Be careful about how you share that with your husband, as it can be further damage to the ego. Part of recovery is addressing each of our vulnerabilities, and character flaws and correcting them though. At the 6-month mark my wife feels self disgust that she was addicted to the attention she received from the OM>


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

You certainly hit that one on the head. I know I was just another easy target (and willingly let myself be one) and he really is just scum. My logical mind tells me so but how can I get him off my mind? That's the part that really is driving me crazy. When will I not wake up every morning and think of him? Or worse, when I'm with my husband. The OM doesn't even compare to him.


----------



## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

bookjunkie said:


> I haven't actually talked with OM but have continued contact with OM wife. I've decided to cut that "friendship" off since I know my main reason for staying in touch is to fish for info.
> .


Please explain. Am I to understand that you and OM's wife are/were friends, and she doesn't know you were humping her husband?


----------



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Go get individual counseling, it may help and stop the nostalgia (repeating my self), you've romanticized it which is reinforcing the sense of loss. You need to remind your self that the affair was destruction of your reason and your character, and theft from your husband and this man's wife.


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Please explain. Am I to understand that you and OM's wife are/were friends, and she doesn't know you were humping her husband?


She does know that I had a PA with her husband. I called her and confessed but she doesn't blame me and claims she's not angry with me, just him. They have an "open" relationship, but not where friends are concerned. My husband and I have know them a long time.


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> Go get individual counseling, it may help and stop the nostalgia (repeating my self), you've romanticized it which is reinforcing the sense of loss. You need to remind your self that the affair was destruction of your reason and your character, and theft from your husband and this man's wife.


I have been going to IC but haven't gotten that far along in it. And I agree, it was destructive to my reason and character. My husband had no idea and thought I would be the one person in the world that wouldn't ever betray him. I really don't know who I was during that time. I was definitely in a fog.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

As an EA wayward, it takes months to get over it. The first two months were the worst, but for a long time afterward you will invent reasons to stay in touch. Fight them.

There will be sounds, songs, programs or what not that will 'trigger' you, making you remember that person. 

Throw away all the clothes that were 'special' with him. Anything you associate with him. Clear any of 'your two special songs' from your music queue. Get rid of any presents he gave you. Don't go places you enjoyed with him such as restaurants or bars, even if they are your favorites. EXPLAIN this to your husband as to why you are no longer going to Hank's Bar and Grill or why that pink bra he likes so much is missing. He will understand and will probably try to find new places to make new memories with. In fact, explain what these special songs, books, places etc meant. Removing that secrecy will make the place less special to 'the two of you'. It will be opened up to public viewing. Trust me, this works!

It gets better.


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

Thanks for the advice JCD. I have already starting doing some of the things you mentioned. I only listen to KLOVE now and have started purging my winter clothing.


----------



## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I tried to think about his bad qualities. When that didn't work, I'd clean the toilet or tile grout. I wanted to reprogram my brain to associate any thoughts of him with something I hated doing. It also helped me to spend time with my son doing something he wanted to do. We'd go on long bike rides, batting cages etc. i wrote in my journal. I bought a book called, Why I love you. It asks you questions like my first impression of you when we met was.. I knew I wanted to marry you when.... And you fill in the answers. It helped to remind me why I fell in love with m husband. After I was I gave it to him. There is no easy way out. You just have to feel it and remind yourself that its part of the process and that you brought it on yourself.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know you were looking for advice from WS but here is some from a BS. Even talking with his wife you are still betraying your husbands trust. It sounds like you are in R so what is going on is a false R

You should let your husband know and confess to your IC. I do get the seperation issue you are dealing with my wife did as well.

Lets keep in mind the A was for your benefit as is the fishing and hoping to talk with your POS. All you are doing is to continue to cause deeper pain to your husband.

I do understand the pain you are going through but just keep in mind it is nothing to the pain you have caused your husband and the pain he will feel when you tell him.

Tell your best friend what you have done and everytime you think of him call her and let her kick you in the ass for awhile.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cold turkey. Now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

mahike said:


> I know you were looking for advice from WS but here is some from a BS. Even talking with his wife you are still betraying your husbands trust. It sounds like you are in R so what is going on is a false R
> 
> You should let your husband know and confess to your IC. I do get the seperation issue you are dealing with my wife did as well.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

And until you are full NC and out of withdrawal, you are in false R


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Tell him everything now if not already It's the guilt that will inflict the most harm long term Remember you risked everything for what will turn out to be just a strange piece of action.

Matt Matt is exactly correct

Cold Turkey Now


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Just close your eyes and imagine your husband saying to you that I have had it with you and I am disgusted that you put me at risk for STD's. I am now going to a lawyer and begin my new life looking for a woman that truly loves and respects me which is not you. Good bye!

Now open your eyes. If after this you still think of the OM then you will deserve what is coming to you. I believe that if your husband had stated that he was going to lawyer to divorce you - you would not be feeling this way right now. I am afraid that your husband is far too nice to you and you clearly take him for granted. Apparently there have been no consequences to your actions. The fact that you still have contact with the OM's wife and are searching for more information on him shows down deep that you really have no respect for your husband whatsoever. Your truly do not deserve your husband. You are so foolish and cruel to your husband.


----------



## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

WW here! Definitely cut off contact with OMW. Neither of you will heal from this if you stay friendly. Lots of hobbies, filling your time with your family and husband, and doing useful things. Get rid of mementos, clothes, music and movies that remind you of om. 

Good luck.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Another WW here saying the same as everyone else. You won't be able to even remotely begin putting him out of your mind until you go COMPLETE NC... and that includes his wife. As was mentioned in another post, purge yourself of all things OM related. And fill your time with your family.


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm a BS but I have a suggestion. Since it's like an addiction, and kicking an addiction feels like losing a good friend, it might help to arm yourself with a list of reasons why this "good friend" was in fact the worst person who ever entered your life. I'm sure you can come up with a VERY long list. Have the list ready so you can counter the positive thoughts about him when they enter your mind. You can start to turn thinking about him into a time spent thinking of all the reasons he's poison. When you're missing him, it's harder to come up with a lot of negative things all at once if you rely on your memory, but having a list made up in advance will keep you prepared.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> I'm a BS but I have a suggestion. Since it's like an addiction, and kicking an addiction feels like losing a good friend, it might help to arm yourself with a list of reasons why this "good friend" was in fact the worst person who ever entered your life. I'm sure you can come up with a VERY long list. Have the list ready so you can counter the positive thoughts about him when they enter your mind. You can start to turn thinking about him into a time spent thinking of all the reasons he's poison. When you're missing him, it's harder to come up with a lot of negative things all at once if you rely on your memory, but having a list made up in advance will keep you prepared.


This sounds good, but it really doesn't work, at least as far as my experience.

Initially, you the WS own up to YOUR half of the equation...maybe. The other person just sort of went along with it. Hardly their fault at all. It took me a while to finally start to question the motives of my friend. Now...it was a bit less cut and dry then the OP's situation, but first she needs to emotionally disconnect from the OM...and she's nowhere near that yet.

She isn't objective yet. Small steps.


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

Thanks to all for the advice. I have already started doing some of these things but some I hadn't thought to try. I realize that my husband is being very nice to me and he isn't making me face consequences. He was actually hugging me and being very kind to me on DDay. He didn't discover the infidelity. I confessed to him. I fully expected that my a$$ would be on the curb. But I couldn't let him think that our marriage was sound when there was a HUGE crack in the foundation, even if I was the only one who could see it. He deserved to know what our marriage really was to make an informed decision about what he wanted for his life.

I have been reading on this forum for about a month before I joined. But I am determined to R with him. Which is why I requested ideas to help me get over OM. I broke it off with him only 2 days before I told my husband and I have been working very hard to support H and work thru my own withdrawal. OM is poison and I know it but the feelings I had for him were very addicting. And that is what I am trying to get past. 

Can any of you WS give me your personal timeline? Sometimes I feel like I should already be past it but then I have to remind myself that it has only been 2 months and this will take a lot longer.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

If you are determined to make this work, you need to WORK. 

And that means NC. As in ZERO!

My XW had an email sent to her from the OM. After NC was established, and didn't tell me. And she is my XW so you can guess how that ended. 

You need to realize you are playing with fire here. If you were lucky enough to have a husband willing to reconcile, then you need to be on your best behavior. 
This is not it. 

If you really want to get rid of these feelings for the OM, tell your husband you are still talking to his wife. 
That will tell your husband that you aren't as committed to reconciliation as he thought you were, and he'll rethink his position. And when you realize you are risking losing your one shot at keeping your husband, just so you can know how the XOM is doing, those feelings should evaporate. 

If they don't, then I would say you probably don't love your husband like you think you do, and you should set him free so he can find someone who can.


----------



## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Two months and you are more than half way through. Stick with it!! ABSOLUTELY NC WITH OM.

My two cents:

You have only ever seen the best of the OM. That means he had the opportunity to show you only the good. Remember that what you saw was a fantasy. You have anchored strong associations in your head. 

Every stolen moment was MORE special because it was stolen. Realize that your brain is releasing chemicals because of those anchors. The more you think of OM in those great terms, the more you continue to anchor. Replace those associations with new ones. Think of it as a mechanical thing, not emotional. You are literally retraining your limbic system - that's all. 

Replace the OM with any other in your mind. Literally! Realize that if you felt those heightened emotions while visiting an orangutan at the zoo ... you would now be "in love" with the orangutan.

By trying not to think of banana, you thought of ... so you are placing too much importance on OM. Just put the OM where he belongs, at the same level of anyone else. 

Remember too, that by placing this high importance on the chemicals produced by your limbic system, you are minimizing the what your H is going through. I do not advocate linking what you are feeling about those chemical reactions to the image of OM, to your H at all. They are 2 distinct and separate things. Those chemicals are just new, intoxicating and a little bit addictive. Your H is part of the structure of your brain ... the chemicals will fade, H will remain. 

See relationship with OM for what it was ... a series of events that washed your brain with a feel good chemical. Know that that would happen with anything that emotionally charges you. Also know that it fades rapidly when you adjust the way you think of the situation.

And BTW, build new chemical associations with H too! When he is there watching TV or otherwise disposed, imagine he just told you to get out. He left you. Close your eyes and feel it. Feel the pain. Imagine the Sunday morning coffee without him. Imagine being alone, he won't open the door for you, answer the phone. HE HATES YOU! Then open your eyes and look at him and smile. Feel his smile back, and the chemicals as they flood your system. Try this.

GOOD LUCK


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How long did the affair go on ? What prompted you to confess ? Was it out of love for your H or was it something OM did(scorned woman scenario).


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

Again thanks for the guidance and advice everyone. I will break off contact with OMW and BTW, my husband is aware that I have been speaking with her. It's really complicated but not enough to jeopardize my marriage. I could tell it bothered him but he wasn't going to tell me not to. So I decided to myself.

I was in the A for 3 months but have known OM for 20+ years. And I broke it off b/c OM was lying to me about everything basically and I told him I was done. I didn't want to be involved with him if he couldn't be truthful with me. It's truly laughable that I was in a fog so dense that I validated my thoughts that we could have something "truthful" out of something that was complete deceit. And looking back, I think he was "grooming" me for this for over a year. You know, little touches and compliments or just when he would look at me sometimes. Things that made me wonder if he cared for me as "more than a friend". 

Regardless, not an excuse and it's over and done with. Nothing is more important to me than R with my H. The only thing that matters is getting us back to each other and in a healthier relationship.


----------



## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

bookjunkie said:


> And I broke it off b/c OM was lying to me about everything basically and I told him I was done. I didn't want to be involved with him if he couldn't be truthful with me.


:scratchhead:

Pardon me, but it sounds like you chose your H second because OM wasn't what you thought. Did I miss-read? If OM was your AP, then who exactly were you being honest with?

I'm very confused by this post. Sorry if I am missing something.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

bookjunkie said:


> Again thanks for the guidance and advice everyone. I will break off contact with OMW and BTW, my husband is aware that I have been speaking with her. It's really complicated but not enough to jeopardize my marriage. I could tell it bothered him but he wasn't going to tell me not to. So I decided to myself.
> 
> I was in the A for 3 months but have known OM for 20+ years. *And I broke it off b/c OM was lying to me about everything basically and I told him I was done. I didn't want to be involved with him if he couldn't be truthful with me.* It's truly laughable that I was in a fog so dense that I validated my thoughts that we could have something "truthful" out of something that was complete deceit. And looking back, I think he was "grooming" me for this for over a year. You know, little touches and compliments or just when he would look at me sometimes. Things that made me wonder if he cared for me as "more than a friend".
> 
> Regardless, not an excuse and it's over and done with. Nothing is more important to me than R with my H. The only thing that matters is getting us back to each other and in a healthier relationship.


In the bolded part..do you realize how hypocritical your thinking was?

You broke it off with him because he wasn't being truthful to you (obviously)..yet you weren't being truthful to your husband.
You have a gift in your husband because he stays with you even though you weren't being truthful..yet you broke it off with your OM because he wasn't being truthful to you.


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

Of course I know how hypocritical I was being. 

So I texted OMW yesterday that I will not be having any more contact with her. I showed all texts to H and then deleted her number. Then H and I went thru all of my phone contacts. I will be giving him all logins and passwords to any and all accounts (including this one) tonight. I told him I would do this and he said it wasn't necessary but I said it was. He said that he feels that he is doing much better with our R but I still worry that he will change his mind later on.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

"NC. Sort of". Riiiight. I will never understand the goings on in the mind of a WS. Your poor husband.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bookjunkie said:


> Again thanks for the guidance and advice everyone. I will break off contact with OMW and BTW, my husband is aware that I have been speaking with her. It's really complicated but not enough to jeopardize my marriage. I could tell it bothered him but he wasn't going to tell me not to. So I decided to myself.
> 
> I was in the A for 3 months but have known OM for 20+ years. *And I broke it off b/c OM was lying to me about everything basically and I told him I was done. I didn't want to be involved with him if he couldn't be truthful with me. * It's truly laughable that I was in a fog so dense that I validated my thoughts that we could have something "truthful" out of something that was complete deceit. And looking back, I think he was "grooming" me for this for over a year. You know, little touches and compliments or just when he would look at me sometimes. Things that made me wonder if he cared for me as "more than a friend".
> 
> Regardless, not an excuse and it's over and done with. Nothing is more important to me than R with my H. The only thing that matters is getting us back to each other and in a healthier relationship.


Wow. No feeling of remorse for what you did to your husband. Not a good way to start R. Did you make it clear to your husband before he agreed to R, that you didn't end it for him or your marriage, only because the OM pi$$ed you off by lying to you? Or did you continue to lie to your husband, telling him it was because you loved him? Essentially manipulating him into R under false pretenses?


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm just curious...why are you talking to OM's W? Does she know you had an A with her man?

I say cut the communication off right now, you're just setting your M up for failure


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

The Deceived:
And this is advice to me how? Not very constructive...


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Wow. No feeling of remorse for what you did to your husband. Not a good way to start R. Did you make it clear to your husband before he agreed to R, that you didn't end it for him or your marriage, only because the OM pi$$ed you off by lying to you? Or did you continue to lie to your husband, telling him it was because you loved him? Essentially manipulating him into R under false pretenses?


I was truthful with H about the why's and wherefor's. Why would you assume that I don't love my husband? Just because of the way things ended with OM? That may have been the catalyst for telling my H about the A but at no point have I not been remorseful for what I have done to him.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I am happy you want to R with your H. I am a BS, so bear with me bc what I am going to tell you I think will help you.

My still H tried to force an R on himself with me while still not connected to us and still having contact (he says nothing happened but they still worked together, talked and had wonderful meetings - of course she would tell him how much she loved and missed him) with la cochofle AP and it only caused more pain. 

I so hope you are able to R, but do it when you are ready. If you still feel you have to know about your AP maybe you are not ready and you could cause irreparable damage to your H and the marriage beyond what you may have already done. I know mine did bc I cnanot feel or believe a thing now and that could happen to your H.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband seems to be in serious denial or is very afraid of giving you a consequence. That cannot work in the favor of your marriage.


----------



## bookjunkie (Apr 5, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Your husband seems to be in serious denial or is very afraid of giving you a consequence. That cannot work in the favor of your marriage.


Maybe so....we discussed that last night. Told him what I've been reading on here. He said he just doesn't feel a need to punish me any more than I already punish myself.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

bookjunkie said:


> Maybe so....we discussed that last night. Told him what I've been reading on here. He said he just doesn't feel a need to punish me any more than I already punish myself.


He shouldn't punish you..no. However there should be consequences that HE should lay out.

I commend you for the transparency..but your BH has not had any control over this so far. All things have been done by you voluntarily (which is good to a point). 

Your BH is in shock now..but there will be an anger stage in 2-6 months..be prepared for it. he may then start demanding things.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

One more thing...

Your affair didn't end because you loved your husband..it ended because YOU felt betrayed by your affair partner.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bookjunkie said:


> Thanks to all for the advice. I have already started doing some of these things but some I hadn't thought to try. I realize that my husband is being very nice to me and he isn't making me face consequences. He was actually hugging me and being very kind to me on DDay. He didn't discover the infidelity. I confessed to him. I fully expected that my a$$ would be on the curb. But I couldn't let him think that our marriage was sound when there was a HUGE crack in the foundation, even if I was the only one who could see it. He deserved to know what our marriage really was to make an informed decision about what he wanted for his life.
> 
> I have been reading on this forum for about a month before I joined. But I am determined to R with him. Which is why I requested ideas to help me get over OM. I broke it off with him only 2 days before I told my husband and I have been working very hard to support H and work thru my own withdrawal. OM is poison and I know it but the feelings I had for him were very addicting. And that is what I am trying to get past.
> 
> Can any of you WS give me your personal timeline? Sometimes I feel like I should already be past it but then I have to remind myself that it has only been 2 months and this will take a lot longer.


I went NC straight away. Though there was a very nasty confrontation when she waited for hours to confront me. That was a horrible experience but I deserved it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bookjunkie said:


> I was truthful with H about the why's and wherefor's. Why would you assume that I don't love my husband? Just because of the way things ended with OM? That may have been the catalyst for telling my H about the A but at no point have I not been remorseful for what I have done to him.


Would you have stopped having sex with a man other than your husband if you had not felt like that man betrayed your trust? Why wasn't the betrayal of your husband and your marriage enough of a catalyst?


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Would you have stopped having sex with a man other than your husband if you had not felt like that man betrayed your trust? Why wasn't the betrayal of your husband and your marriage enough of a catalyst?


It never is and you know it, find me one WS that comes out on their own and I will believe every word my WH says to me now.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

bookjunkie said:


> The Deceived:
> And this is advice to me how? Not very constructive...


Just letting you know how a BS feels. It's important you realize the magnitude of your betrayal as well as receive advice. You'll likely hear a lot of comments you don't particularly fancy.


----------



## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Book, good job offering up transparency. Keep being open with your husband. Just because he doesn't ask for it, does not mean he doesn't need it. Tell him checking up on you isn't punishing you. It is allowing you to earn his trust back slowly, day by day. And you are happy to do anything that he needs. 

Make sure you guys are spending time alone doing things you both enjoy (hint: sex, romantic dinners, outdoor activities if possible.)


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

bookjunkie said:


> Maybe so....we discussed that last night. Told him what I've been reading on here. He said he just doesn't feel a need to punish me any more than I already punish myself.


I'm wired different then most, so what kind of punishment from your old man would you feel cleansing?

@AA don't give me any crap for this question, I think its a valid question to a wayward! LOL


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

bookjunkie said:


> I have been going to IC but haven't gotten that far along in it. And I agree, it was destructive to my reason and character. My husband had no idea and thought I would be the one person in the world that wouldn't ever betray him. I really don't know who I was during that time. I was definitely in a fog.


Sorry, but you are still in both the fog and the affair.

You may have stopped having sex with the posom, but you have quite obviously not returned to putting your passion and love into your marriage. For example, you are putting you interest into the OM, continuing to seek info etc.

If you really stopped having the affair, you would have already cut the poison and all those that connect you with him out of your life. Instead you've moved to a separation of 1 person away, and have continued to focus your emotions on the OM.

If you actually intend to safe your marriage, you must return yourself to it. You must choose to and follow through with action where you put energy into your husband. Just stopping having sex with the scumbag om isn't good enough.

It's obvious that you swinger friends don't value their own marriage, so why would anyone thing that the OM wouldn't come looking to help trash yours?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I find it amazingly ironic that you stopped having sex with the OM because he wasn't being truthful with you!

Your lucky your husband hasn't decided that the same logic appeals to him, because he has the right to end the marriage for exactly the same reason.

It seems you hold the OM to a higher standard than you do yourself.
If you want to save your marriage I suggest you get working on that ASAP.

Your husband refusing to hold you accountable for betraying him is very worrisome. Does he have no feelings about you cheating on him? He sounds either resigned to it, or so emotionally violated that he's unable to think clearly.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

bookjunkie said:


> The Deceived:
> And this is advice to me how? Not very constructive...


You wrote this in post number 24

I will break off contact with OMW and BTW, my husband is aware that I have been speaking with her. *It's really complicated* *but not enough to jeopardize my marriage*. You know that how? I´m asking because the next line *I could tell it bothered him but he wasn't going to tell me not to. So I decided to myself.*

This two biggest bolded part´s is most likely The deceived posted what he did.And for the record i dont get it either


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

bookjunkie said:


> I was truthful with H about the why's and wherefor's. Why would you assume that I don't love my husband? Just because of the way things ended with OM? That may have been the catalyst for telling my H about the A *but at no point have I not been remorseful for what I have done to him.[*/QUOTE]
> 
> 
> Read my post i just finished..I was wondering that my self.
> ...


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

sounds like you husband is a bit of a doormat. 

furthermore, it does seem like your husband was second best given the scenario you just gave. you only stopped screwing this OM because he wasn't being "truthful." wtf does that mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

bookjunkie said:


> You certainly hit that one on the head. I know I was just another easy target (and willingly let myself be one) and he really is just scum. My logical mind tells me so but how can I get him off my mind? That's the part that really is driving me crazy. When will I not wake up every morning and think of him? Or worse, when I'm with my husband. The OM doesn't even compare to him.


If your lover is scum, truly scum, then you wouldn't wake up in the morning thinking of him; calling him scum isn't going to help you get past this. Would you call yourself scum? Does your husband think you're scum? Does the other man think you're scum? When you call this man scum, deep down you're calling yourself scum also, you're not helping yourself by trying to trick your mind into thinking something you really don't think.

Own the truth, you two are equally adulters, equally wrong, equally guilty. Your only shot at getting past this is to completely remove yourself from this mans life, completely, and even then it will take years... yes years... can you handle that, or is it too hard? Are you one of those people who can do the hard thing? Vindication doesn't come easy.

T


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

BJ----I have two questions, why are you back, with your H

I am asking this question cuz nowhere, NOWHERE---Do you state I LOVE MY H, MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD, you don't even state you love him at all.

2nd Question ---you say your pissed off at your lover, and ended it, cuz he wasn't truthful----BUT NEITHER OF YOU WERE TRUTHFUL FROM THE GETGO------so why did you really leave your lover, and added to that---why is he still in your mind---IF YOU LOVE YOUR H.

If you loved your H---this should have never happened, not a long term A, and not where you so called allowed yourself to be groomed----You had to know what your lover was angling for----and you never stopped him-------so now I guess there is a 3rd question----WHY DID YOU NOT STOP YOUR LOVER ----you knew what he wanted, and had you been deeply in love with your H, this should not have happened---unless of course, there were other factors, such as boredom for you, or you wanted to taste some foreign spice----what was it really----get it out there, and talk about it!!!!!!

Is there one bit of respect for your H, left in you---I say this, cuz your H., has basically opened the door for you, and said---do whatever you want, I am not going to do anything about it----Don't you yourself wonder about that----turn it around---if your H., was cheating, what would your reaction/actions be????---More questions than 3, I know---but to really get to the bottom of this------I and a lot of others, are not really sure where you are at, and unfortunately your H., is so passive, and forgiving, that somewhere inside your head you have to be wondering, what is really up with my H!!!!!!

Your H, can take some of the blame for you still having lingering thots of your lover----I know it is hard to go cold turkey---but if as has been suggested above-----your H said, this mge just may be over---I promise you, those lingering thots, would have turned to vile hatred by now

I go back to my 1st question----HOW MUCH DO YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR H, IF AT ALL??????


----------



## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

the guy said:


> I'm wired different then most, so what kind of punishment from your old man would you feel cleansing?
> 
> @AA don't give me any crap for this question, I think its a valid question to a wayward! LOL


I've never given you crap you didn't deserve! 

Punishment is the wrong word though...Just Compensation for the affair is more appropriate. Her husband could ask her to buy new clothes to replace the ones that she wore with om, or get rid of a car in which om rode. 

I think that's what Book (I cannot call her BJ) wants her husband to do. Make a stand, demand things, then she has concrete tasks to accomplish. The worst thing for a WW who wants to help her husband is to feel like he is ignoring the issue of the affair and sailing along in denial. Speaking from my own experience. But she can't MAKE him get angry.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey annie---let me ask you---given the h's actions in this situation, don't you wonder what is up with him-----and knowing he has done absolutely nothing this time, would you at some time down the line, entertain cheating again, for whatever reason---knowing you have a H, who does nothing whatsoever?????

I am asking you cuz you have walked in this womans shoes to some extent, nothing more than that, no put down of you in any way shape or form---you have been an excellent addition to this forum.


----------



## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey annie---let me ask you---given the h's actions in this situation, don't you wonder what is up with him-----and knowing he has done absolutely nothing this time, would you at some time down the line, entertain cheating again, for whatever reason---knowing you have a H, who does nothing whatsoever?????
> 
> I am asking you cuz you have walked in this womans shoes to some extent, nothing more than that, no put down of you in any way shape or form---you have been an excellent addition to this forum.


Oh absolutely I would wonder, especially if he doesn't have a history of conflict avoidance. Why isn't her husband addressing the affair? Who knows. Book should DEFINITELY figure that out. 

If he's just a conflict avoider, well then they need to address that. Not because I think she'd go out and have another affair but because he'll NEVER ask for what he needs. He'll fester, she'll fester and they'll both be miserable. 

Speaking for myself, the affair made me miserable and made my life chaotic. I was either really high or really low. I was like a slave for om. I don't want to go there again.


----------

