# BPD wife and incorrect accusation



## Dallaswife (Aug 29, 2013)

This is quite an unusual post and I’m not sure if this is the right place to put it.

The BPD wife of a friend suspects me of being the OW, but nothing could be further from the truth and I’m not sure how to deal with it.

I have known the guy for 10 years and have been a supplier to his business for around 5 years. As a supplier, it was necessary for me to visit his business premises once a fortnight or so. The visits were no more than 2 hours where I would do a stock take and carry out some chemical testing and occasionally he would ask me to have a coffee with him in his reception area. We would talk about gossip in our industry but not much else. Sometimes he would talk about upcoming holidays, or what he had planned for the weekend. Just general chit chat. We are both married with kids: him for 20+ years (3 kids); me for 18 years (1 kid). My husband would sometimes come to the meetings too. My husband and I tried to be friends with him and his wife and invited them to parties at our house. But for some reason, I never clicked with the wife and they started turning down the invites. I had my suspicions that she was maybe suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder but I didn’t think any more of it at the time. She seemed very clingy and insecure with very black and white thinking.

Due to the recession, supplying his business was no longer viable so I ended the contract. My visits were down to around once every 6 weeks at that time. He sent me an email saying that he understood and that he would miss having me around but if ever I was in the area to pop in and say hello. He was just being polite.

His wife saw the email and has accused him of having an affair with me. He has denied it saying we were just friends (the term has to be used loosely!); however she refuses to accept it. She became physically violent with him, and demanded to know the full extent of our friendship. He told her about the occasional coffee in reception and this triggered her. She ended up beating him up to the extent he had to run for safety to a hotel. He sent me an email that evening (to my business email) telling me what had happened and warning me that she was unstable and to watch out for her. This of course scares me a little.

One week later I received an official no contact letter in the mail. I have had zero communication with him for 8 months since I ended the contract. I didn’t even reply to his invite to pop in and say hello. I showed the letter to my husband and he seems fine with it. He is aware of her history of insecurity and jealousy as he has had a boys’ night out with the guy on occasion and has heard his stories.

I have a few concerns here. Firstly, I object to being accused of having an affair when I am in a happy marriage, and I’m also a little frightened that this crazy woman is going to turn up on my doorstep and cause trouble, or “expose” me unnecessarily. We live in a small community so exposure would be dreadful. Secondly and more importantly, I’m concerned for the welfare of my friend. He has his own mental issues. He suffers from Bi-polar, GAD and OCD. Due to her emotional instability I know that he feels responsible for HER welfare and he loves her dearly, but at what cost? My initial reaction is to write her a letter putting down the facts, but I know enough about BPD to know that this could trigger another violent attack if she is in fact suffering from this condition.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can assure her nothing happened?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Dallaswife said:


> This is quite an unusual post and I’m not sure if this is the right place to put it.
> 
> The BPD wife of a friend suspects me of being the OW, but nothing could be further from the truth and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
> 
> ...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would stay out of it and defriend them. This woman will do her best to get you fired by false accusations. 

I don't know if this would be the right thing to do, but maybe you should consult your HR department and let them know this woman is spreading false accusations of you.

For real, stay far far away from both this man and woman.


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## Dallaswife (Aug 29, 2013)

Hi Scarlett Begonias

I think I need to clarify a few things here.

The reason I thought she may be BPD was because at the time I was studying Cluster B personality disorders and the terms and symptoms were at the forefront of my mind. Of course she may not be, its only a hunch. More likely she's just a very insecure woman going through a midlife crisis.

I used the term "loosely" friends because my definition of friends is being able to call or text or to meet up to do fun things together. We did not have this kind of "friendship". There has been no communication between us whatsoever other than the very rare text saying I was missing out on a visit or asking for something to be checked. I usually dealt with his assistant. 

I have no intention of contacting him but I am concerned that she might become violent towards me if she sees me. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder for dark shadows. The reason he emailed me was because she had threatened to phone me. The first thing I did was tell my husband.

I'm scared and like any normal person I'm not happy about a man being beaten up at the mention of my name. 

I'm sorry you think my story doesn't add up. It is a very bizarre story which is why I've posted it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Dallaswife said:


> Hi Scarlett Begonias
> 
> I think I need to clarify a few things here.
> 
> ...


How can you be sure he isn't trying to get sympathy from you? How can you be sure he isn't trying to draw you in so you pay attention to him?

I'm not saying she isn't off her rocker,it's definitely a likely assumption if you've gotten that "off" vibe from her.But you should also consider that he might be playing you for whatever reason.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

If you are that scared of the situation. Use the Email he sent you, and look into some sort of protective order against her. (cant remember the name of it off hand right now). Save that Email from him, and just stay away from both of them. Why do you feel the need to convince his wife of anything? Reading the between the lines of your posts, I can see why she thinks you two had an affair. If you didnt, she is his problem, not yours.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have experience with crazy bullies and generally they are all talk.

If she hasn't come after you in 8 months I highly doubt she's going to do so now.

I also agree with SB he could have been trying to suck you into his drama. 

There are two sides to every story.


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## Dallaswife (Aug 29, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> How can you be sure he isn't trying to get sympathy from you? How can you be sure he isn't trying to draw you in so you pay attention to him?
> 
> I'm not saying she isn't off her rocker,it's definitely a likely assumption if you've gotten that "off" vibe from her.But you should also consider that he might be playing you for whatever reason.


Its interesting you say this SB. What I find really strange is that all ties with him and his business were cut 8 months ago. He does have very strong NPD traits, and I'm just wondering if I was some kind of supply to him and he's trying to hook me back in in a bizzare way. Do you think this is a possibility and his story is just a load of crap? Maybe he has taken offence at the fact that I didn't reply to his invite to pop in and say hello?

Its all so damn toxic. I want nothing more to do with either of them.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Dallaswife said:


> Its interesting you say this SB. What I find really strange is that all ties with him and his business were cut 8 months ago. He does have very strong NPD traits, and I'm just wondering if I was some kind of supply to him and he's trying to hook me back in in a bizzare way. Do you think this is a possibility and his story is just a load of crap? Maybe he has taken offence at the fact that I didn't reply to his invite to pop in and say hello?
> 
> Its all so damn toxic. I want nothing more to do with either of them.


I fully belief it's a high possibility.It could be a reason his wife has such bizarre behavior and he's all too happy to share the details with you.
The email where he says he'll miss you is very telling. You could be involved in some sort of one sided EA and not even realize it.You don't know what he has been saying to his wife as well.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...sounds like the guy and his wife are both toxic. I'd be careful of diagnosing too much, as really, diagnostic labels are mostly useful for treatment and, even then, aren't that useful. You might be better off just thinking of them as toxic. The woman could be BPD; her husband could be NPD; they could both just be jealous, annoying, unstable people. Basically, the sort of people who you don't want to be around.

...I have some sympathy for the guy, as, if he's routinely being emotionally and physically abused, he may be venting to anyone who will listen. Or, he might be genuinely afraid that his wife will go after you. Since I dislike abusive R/S, I might forward him a copy of Splitting, Emotional Abuse in R/S, and a letter cutting contact. I'd also forward his wife a book on DBT, possible a book on narcissism, along with another letter cutting contact. But, mind you, that isn't a low-conflict approach.

...in terms of his wife stalking you, my experience is that crazy BPD-like people have limited focus. Remember, being crazy is a disability, not a super power. So, if you just cut off contact and be boring, they'll forget about you. Basically, she probably flips out over every woman the guy speaks to...and so...well...there's only so many hours in the day to work as a crazy stalker. Crazy NPD-like people can be more problematic. (We have a mutual distant acquaintance with this sort of habit. Turns out it is hard to stalk every one of you husband's former girlfriends and every one of your ex's girlfriends and former girlfriends and the people that introduced them. Fortunately, she isn't much for keeping jobs, so she has a fair bit of free time.)

...so, yep, wander away and ignore email. Don't bother responding, particularly to anything from the woman. You might issue one flat denial, before cutting contact.

...now, if she starts stalking you, it is time to (a) put a camera outside your house and (b) look into restraining orders. (a) and (b) combined can be quite effective. (I mean - most likely nothing - but it has been known to work - and so worth it if it does.) Most crazy people moderate their behavior quickly after experiencing consequences. 'So, please explain why this camera shows you violating your restraining order.'

--Argyle


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## Dallaswife (Aug 29, 2013)

Hi Argyle, thanks for your reply.



argyle said:


> ...sounds like the guy and his wife are both toxic. I'd be careful of diagnosing too much, as really, diagnostic labels are mostly useful for treatment and, even then, aren't that useful. You might be better off just thinking of them as toxic. The woman could be BPD; her husband could be NPD; they could both just be jealous, annoying, unstable people. Basically, the sort of people who you don't want to be around.


Yes I think you are right there. Extremely toxic. When I was supplying his business I regularly used to leave feeling drained. My husband also backed off from being friends with him because he never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in and my husband felt he was walking on eggshells all the time. I don't know her that well although I have been at social events with her. Lets just say I never got a warm fluffy feeling from her.
[/QUOTE]
...I have some sympathy for the guy, as, if he's routinely being emotionally and physically abused, he may be venting to anyone who will listen. Or, he might be genuinely afraid that his wife will go after you. Since I dislike abusive R/S, I might forward him a copy of Splitting, Emotional Abuse in R/S, and a letter cutting contact. I'd also forward his wife a book on DBT, possible a book on narcissism, along with another letter cutting contact. But, mind you, that isn't a low-conflict approach..[/QUOTE]

Yes I do have sympathy for him if what he is saying is true, but it's for him to sort out and he's a grown man. Thanks for your suggestions but I think its better if I don't get involved. It will only aggravate matters.
.[/QUOTE]
...in terms of his wife stalking you, my experience is that crazy BPD-like people have limited focus. Remember, being crazy is a disability, not a super power. So, if you just cut off contact and be boring, they'll forget about you. Basically, she probably flips out over every woman the guy speaks to...and so...well...there's only so many hours in the day to work as a crazy stalker. Crazy NPD-like people can be more problematic. (We have a mutual distant acquaintance with this sort of habit. Turns out it is hard to stalk every one of you husband's former girlfriends and every one of your ex's girlfriends and former girlfriends and the people that introduced them. Fortunately, she isn't much for keeping jobs, so she has a fair bit of free time.).[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't be surprised if the no contact letter was sent to every female in his address book. It was very impersonal and didn't even address me by my name, it was just a rambling. For a few months I'll make a conscious effort to become invisible, then maybe some other female will become her target.
.[/QUOTE]
...so, yep, wander away and ignore email. Don't bother responding, particularly to anything from the woman. You might issue one flat denial, before cutting contact..[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I don't think on reflection a denial letter will do any good. If she wants to come after me, she will have to face both me and my husband as for sure my H won't put up with her nonsense.
.[/QUOTE]
...now, if she starts stalking you, it is time to (a) put a camera outside your house and (b) look into restraining orders. (a) and (b) combined can be quite effective. (I mean - most likely nothing - but it has been known to work - and so worth it if it does.) Most crazy people moderate their behavior quickly after experiencing consequences. 'So, please explain why this camera shows you violating your restraining order.'.[/QUOTE]

I'll bear this in mind. Thanks!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Dallaswife said:


> ..... My husband and I tried to be friends with him and his wife and invited them to parties at our house. But for some reason, I never clicked with the wife and they started turning down the invites. I had my suspicions that she was maybe suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder but I didn’t think any more of it at the time. She seemed very clingy and insecure with very black and white thinking....


Hi I have lived with a BPD for 15 years ( just finalising the divorce right now) 

May I ask. You've met her at your parties etc you do actually know her to an extent so , to echo SB's point what is it that drew you to the BPD conclusion? Even if you have done research about BPD what was it about her her behavior that took your thoughts there? Was it also a lot of information from him, her husband, over time that he had mentioned about her? 

Over time, ten years, he has obviously invested a lot of emotional time towards you - you are friends albeit not in a hugely close way. What have you gathered about him his background and life? 

He must have told you a lot about himself

I ask this because in living with a BPD I know the behavior.

Without any details on the face of it his wife sounds a bit like where I have been with my wife in that my stbx through work, had a life outside away from me and invested herself in emotional attachments to other men whilst I was this ghost in her marriage that apparently "didn't understand her". 

I found at at various points that I had apparently lead her a terrible life, lazy, unaffectionate, poor father when actually the reverse was the truth but the need for her to be a victim (a huge BPD trait) fed her need to be able to attract the opposite sex and get the outside 'attention' she craved.

Not saying your friend is this, but it could easily be the case.

More info would help, although frankly keeping away from them both sounds the best advice


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## Dallaswife (Aug 29, 2013)

Hi Headspin

Ok, so a little more information.



Headspin said:


> Hi I have lived with a BPD for 15 years ( just finalising the divorce right now)
> 
> May I ask. You've met her at your parties etc you do actually know her to an extent so , to echo SB's point what is it that drew you to the BPD conclusion? Even if you have done research about BPD what was it about her her behavior that took your thoughts there? Was it also a lot of information from him, her husband, over time that he had mentioned about her?
> 
> ...


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I think my STBX has a personality disorder...

How I got away? I played into what he said about me. That it was all my fault and yes maybe he needed something else I couldn't give him.

Eventually this led to him confronting me and kicking me out of the house, being abusive as I was getting my things in order and I had a family member in the hospital in critical condition... I took his crazy for 2 weeks and left. 

I think it stunned him that I wasn't engaged in the fights.

He would also call me after or text trying to stir things up.. when I played into it it fueled him. Now that I have been "boring" he has moved on.

The more boring you are in this situation... the better for you.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Dallaswife said:


> Its all so damn toxic. I want nothing more to do with either of them.


Then don't have any type of contact with them. If it's been 8 months of no contact why would you rock the boat by toying with the idea of contacting him or her? That makes no sense :scratchhead:

If you see him in a public area stay away from him or turn right around and leave if you're doing something you could otherwise put off until later. If you see her in a public area stay away from her or turn right around and leave if you're doing something you could otherwise put off until later. Sucks to have to go through that but what are your alternatives (ones that most likely wouldn't make the situation worse anyway)? 

Like you say they both sound toxic and with mood/personality disorders tossed into the mix that just makes it even worse. If you suspect this woman of being BPD or being overly paranoid you should know well enough that nothing you say to her is going to change her mind and any attempted contact on your part is most likely going to trigger her. Not to mention she could just go off on another paranoid tangent thinking you're trying to work your way back into their lives.

Write these people out of your lives and just be done with it. Hope everything works out and these two just become a distant memory from your past.


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## Dallaswife (Aug 29, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Then don't have any type of contact with them. If it's been 8 months of no contact why would you rock the boat by toying with the idea of contacting him or her? That makes no sense :scratchhead:
> 
> If you see him in a public area stay away from him or turn right around and leave if you're doing something you could otherwise put off until later. If you see her in a public area stay away from her or turn right around and leave if you're doing something you could otherwise put off until later. Sucks to have to go through that but what are your alternatives (ones that most likely wouldn't make the situation worse anyway)?
> 
> ...


Thanks Jasel. I agree with everything you say!

The only place I'm likely to bump into her is the supermarket or as a couple, at a local restaurant. But hey, my husband's a big guy, so I'll work on the basis that he's my bodyguard. 

If she turns up at the door or calls me, I'll deal with that should the situation arise. I did have her as a facebook "friend", but deleted her and a whole bunch of other people recently. So I know I'm not going to get any surprise postings from her on my wall!


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