# how to move on when OM still in the picture



## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

Emotional affair, although he still denies it was ever at that point, just friends? My believe is that he is or was in the very least infatuated with her. Ultimately, he agreed to end all calls and texts, block her number. I did have to threaten to leave to get that agreement. They still work together. They aren't together all day, every day or anything, but he admits they do still talk at work. Nothing like they used to, just the work related stuff and hi, how are ya. 


While I see signs of promise for us, never thought he'd agree to counseling and he did. We are in couples counsleing. I never thought he'd agree to block her number, and he did. I can't get rid of all my feelings of anger, resentment, doubt, fear... therapist is worried I'll halt any progress if I can't stop accusing and overreacting. I just can't help it. If he's late I assumed he stopped to call her. I've been driving by where he should be to check to make sure he's telling the truth. I keep looking at phone records. Of course using a land line to call her I'd never know. there are apps to use for messaging that I wouldn't see. His phone is never out of his sight and I don't have the password. I did block her number myself so I know that's done. 

To me the threat isn't gone because of their work situation, then again the threat is probably still there even if they didn't work together. SInce I forced it to end, I can't help being doubtful it will truly end. Things were behind my back in the beginning, what's to stop that from happening now. He's asked me not to leave, he's asked me to keep going to counseling and not give up. I want to believe he's invested too, but I can't stop obsessing and worrying that he has feelings for her. I am going to individual counseling as well. That is contradictory. Mine validates the ultimatum and the loss of the threat to truly reconcile. Couples counselor is discouraging ultimatums and limitations on relationships, encouraging healthy boundaries instead. To me, the boundary was already busted, the OW has to go, period. 

Do I just have to endure my feelings for awhile and try?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Find a counselor that agrees with your and his philosophies regarding boundaries, consequences, transparency, etc. You don't have to go to the first counselor that comes along, you can shop around for the one that fits your M and hopes/ ambitions best. If you feel that the counselor is not supporting you in those needs then move on, as after all it is your money and time.

If he is reluctant, it is probably because he feels that he is supported in everything that he needs/ deserves and is getting the answers he wants. That is not the reason for counseling, but to find a way to work through the issues and come to a better and stronger marriage and open the lines of communication better and strengthen them. Any counselor whom feels that secrecy, privacy, and constant ability to interact and meet with the OM/OW is acceptable is wrong for any M in my book.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may have blocked her number, but there's almost as many covert chat apps as fart apps. Without complete transparency, his word means nothing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Im confused. Did you mean OW in the picture?


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Looking at your profile, your story is really spread out and hard to follow. You're husband was at a local hotel when he said he would be out of town? Did you resolve this?


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

hopeful101 said:


> his phone is never out of his sight and i don't have the password.


no no no. Huge red flag


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He blocked her number through his wireless account.

He's now using a VOIP and chat apps that are more difficult to trace.

No remorse and no transparency.

Your couples counselor is a new age moron.

A boundary is an ultimatum.
It's the definition of an ultimatum in prettier words.

A boundary is... "If you do X then I do Y"

That's an ultimatum.

Dump the marraige counselor, he's incompetent.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get rid of the MC. What a moron.

Tell your husband he either finds a new job or it's time for D. You have every right to demand this.

Get this book and read it with your husband

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

Yes, read Not just friends. Really helpful. Yes, I agree with all of you. We should find another counselor.

Yes, probably I do sound like a mess on my profile. the hotel he did come clean about and he wasn't with the emotional affair woman, supposedly alone. Doing some sleuthing I am confident he wasn't with her that weekend. 

I've been on the verge of filing for months after my last post. I had an appt with a lawyer and he asked me to go to counseling so I postponed, but said he needed to drop the friend. I figured we'd get it worked out during counseling and if not, I'd file. The last counseling visit I had an appt to file, told him so in front of the counselor, and when we left he seemed devastated, asked me not to give up, he'd drop her, and I cancelled again.

It's difficult too because our marriage without what I think is an affair is/was in trouble. We definitely have our work cut out for us with our marriage alone, but I just can't even get to that without resolving the relationship i see as a threat. He's resentful toward me because he feels like I'm using her as an excuse to ignore our marriage problems. I am well aware of my areas that need improvement, never denied I wasn't partially at fault. Yes, after reading the book and listening to people on this forum, I know that it's just a method of making this my fault. 

I see the red flags too, just I guess keep grasping for something to hold on to. I do still love him. I just can't give up until I am certain it isn't going to work.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

hopeful101 said:


> Yes, probably I do sound like a mess on my profile. *the hotel he did come clean about and he wasn't with the emotional affair woman, supposedly alone*. Doing some sleuthing I am confident he wasn't with her that weekend.


Ive got some ocean front property in Nevada I can sell ya for real cheap.

Id file for D on these grounds alone:

1) You would rather stay in a local hotel then be with me?
2) You think Im dumb enough to believe that a man would secretly get a hotel for the weekend without telling his wife, but he was alone the whole time?
3) Pretty much all the other stuff


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

hopeful101 said:


> Yes, read Not just friends. Really helpful. Yes, I agree with all of you. We should find another counselor.
> 
> Yes, probably I do sound like a mess on my profile. the hotel he did come clean about and he wasn't with the emotional affair woman, supposedly alone. Doing some sleuthing I am confident he wasn't with her that weekend.


Maybe he was with a 3rd women you don't even know about, or maybe a prostitute. 

Stand in the mirror and say out loud, "My husband rented a motel room local to our home, but I am sure he was alone there" and really listen to how naive that sounds. If all he needed was some time alone he would gone off to some activity and stayed the night without lies. Hiking, golf in another city, fishing, whatever...

He did not come clean on anything.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I saw one of those demotivational posters online that your post made me think of.

I can't find it right now, but the saying was somthing like, If your spouse STILL works with their affair partner - The afair is STILL on...


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I have not read your other posts and I do not know why your marriage is in trouble.

However, if it was me, I would ask him to give me his password to his phone and computer. If he says no-you know he is not transparent and trying to hide that he is still seeing her.

Regarding the hotel stay-it is highly likely he was not alone....

Is this woman married? Have a chat with her husband/boyfriend.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wait - your husband claims that he rented a local hotel room and went and stayed there alone??

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: He's an idiot.

You don't actually believe that crap do you??


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

I know. Honestly, if I was hearing this stuff from someone else I'd be saying the same things all of you are saying. No, I don't truly believe he was alone. 

Yes, I wonder about others both now and in the past.

I just can't get myself to make the final step. This thread is helping  seeing myself as a true idiot right now.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

hopeful101 said:


> I know. Honestly, if I was hearing this stuff from someone else I'd be saying the same things all of you are saying. No, I don't truly believe he was alone.
> 
> Yes, I wonder about others both now and in the past.
> 
> I just can't get myself to make the final step. This thread is helping  seeing myself as a true idiot right now.


Loving someone and holding out hope does not make you an idiot. When we are too weak to turn the lights on, we need to count on others to do it for us. Now that they are on, let your eyes adjust and when they do, react accordingly.


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

Here is what's true and even tougher to standby and observe once an affair is really over... 

When the one you've loved has ended the affair, had it been a physical or emotional one- realizing that after the ending, there may be a period in which the offender is "getting over" any lingering emotional feelings they had for the outside person. This is an extremely painful time during the reconnect that must be endured. Within this time period a couple can either prompt or completely sever all chances of reconciliation. This period is the most crucial stage in restoration, I believe. Perseverance, understanding and patience is a must from both ends. Your husband has to understand and deal with your desire to scream your head off at him a time or two during this painful time. But--- If, in, "ÿour eyes" you can see and believe your husband is really trying to make an outward concerted effort to make your marriage work, try your very best to not sabotage this stage of reconnecting any more than he already has (by engaging in the affair in the first place).. 

I know, easier said than done. But, as much as it is possible with you- Try hard to not put your chances of reconciliation at risk by allowing your husband to feel nothing he does (no matter how pissed you may/will feel at times) is able to win your affection again. He may soon give up trying. 

By the way.. Even if your husband relocate his employment- The woman may still be in his thoughts. You want more than relocation, you want a heart change. Other women are everywhere. If you believe your husband wants to make your marriage work, there will be a burden placed on you, you did not ask for- And that is, your believing in yourself to get through the rocky periods of reconciliation. Slowly, and hopefully, surely, you'll regain trust in your husband again. 

It is not easy, but it is possible.


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

I asked him to leave the house. He did. 

He's definitely not ready and/or willing to end the affair. I can't live with him while he's figuring out what he wants out of life. It certainly is not me. 

Thanks for this thread everyone. It was what I needed to hear.


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