# Confused



## Wronged

Hello, I'm new to the forum. I have been reading here for a few months, but thought I had things sorted. I don't I guess.

Bottom line.
Wife and I are both 36 married 9 years. 2 kids preschool and first grade.
Marriage was good until this past summer. After 6 months of trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to do more at home, woo my wife, ask for counseling together, etc. She's involved with another man from work and hid it like a pro.
I was starting to think I was crazy until the truth finally came out.

I blabbed to most everyone we knew, she went ballistic saying it was no one's business and I was an *******. This was just after Christmas but before New years day. 

She did go stay with her parents and they sided hard with her. I pushed her into the arms of another man.

By the end of Jan she wanted to talk, it was a one-time thing I just happened to catch the first time. My response was not kind and her family said that proved I was an ******* just looking for an excuse to divorce her.

This weekend she calls and says she wants to move back home and try counseling to save our family. I already have a lawyer and was content to move forward with divorce but am getting pressure to try. I asked her for a timeline of the affair and said come home when you finish that. It's now Monday evening and I have no time line and she's still at her parents house. She has texted me saying she's so sorry loves me etc. But still no timeline that I asked for. I don't understand the change if she is not serious. I also do not think I can swallow the crap sandwich she wants to force feed me anyway. 

Thoughts?

On the fly

I think so. I told his wife. This was not his first affair. They moved here for a new start to get away from his previous affair. His wife got pissed and packed the kids up and moved back. He put in his notice and followed her from what I am told. Not sure if that is really true as I have been lied to constantly for months.


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## OnTheFly

So, her affair partner (AP) dumped her?


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## Oldtimer

Good job on the exposure and you’re the ******* that’s just looking for an excuse to divorce her??? I reckon that her screwing another man had nothing to do with your stance. 

She’s not budging on your demands which are essential to begin healing.

She’s not remorseful and as on the fly says, he dumped her and you are plan B.

Take care of yourself and the kids first. I would continue the divorce process as you can reverse that process if there is genuine remorse and only if you want to reconcile.

Best of luck going forward and keep posting, there are many good people here who have gone through what you are going through. Stay strong.


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## Prodigal

I personally think it is tragic when any marriage succumbs to adultery. IMO there is nothing worse than a spouse betraying her/his partner by having sex with a third party. This is a betrayal of trust on such a basic level, that I can't completely wrap my mind around it.

I can only tell you that if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be one damned bit "confused." It's in my DNA that I cannot tolerate a cheater. Okay, so her parents are defending their skank of a daughter. Fine. The old blood-is-thicker-than-water applies here.

You have to do what you have to do. But consider this: Even if you go into MC, try to reconcile, forgive and forget … eh, I don't think it will heal the damage done.

There are people here who reconcile. Obviously, it is possible. I just couldn't do it if it happened to me.

You might want to request a mod move this to the Coping with Infidelity forum. Lots of good people there who have gone through this and can give you support.


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## sunsetmist

Have you done research on what is necessary for reconciliation--I mean absolutely the wayward must be willing to carry the heavy load. You, too, have to be willing to try again--many aren't.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/survi...-partner-who-strayed-to-feel-genuine-remorse/

Genuine remorse by the wayward is most important. The above article is one of many and it also has other necessary steps in its archives. Know that reconciliation takes something like 3-5 years of work.

Once someone has cheated, the next time is easier. She chose to cheat and you did not cause this, but work together on the marriage is necessary, tough, and long.


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## Wronged

sunsetmist, I can't live like this for another 3-5 years. I just am not capable of that. Honestly, I'm exhausted and fried now. I don't think I could make another 3-5 months at this rate. 

I think I need to push back against the pressure I'm getting to try again. 

I did really try when I sensed that something wasn't going right. I put in extra effort and gave everything I had. My efforts were rejected and only seemed to make it worse. 

I can't seem to figure out how to contact a moderator. Sorry I posted in the wrong spot. I thought I had to post here first.


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## oldshirt

Some thoughts and questions in bold below.




Wronged said:


> Wife and I are both 36 married 9 years. 2 kids preschool and first grade.
> Marriage was good until this past summer. After 6 months of trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to do more at home, woo my wife, ask for counseling together, etc. She's involved with another man from work and hid it like a pro.
> I was starting to think I was crazy until the truth finally came out.
> 
> *Standard scenario. Cheaters usually have the BS thinking that they are the ones going crazy.*
> 
> I blabbed to most everyone we knew, she went ballistic saying it was no one's business and I was an *******.
> 
> *Cheaters hate repurcussions and really hate to held accountable for their actions.*
> 
> She did go stay with her parents and they sided hard with her. I pushed her into the arms of another man.
> 
> By the end of Jan she wanted to talk, it was a one-time thing I just happened to catch the first time. My response was not kind and her family said that proved I was an ******* just looking for an excuse to divorce her.
> 
> *It is very common for parents and family to be somewhat disappointed in the WS's behavior and they may say they should not have done that, but at the end of the day almost all parents and family will stand beside the WS.
> But my question is why do her parents think you are an ahole and why don't they like you and want her away from you? *
> 
> This weekend she calls and says she wants to move back home and try counseling to save our family.
> 
> *That's because her OM left her and she wants to keep the roof over her head. We can that Plan B. *
> 
> 
> I already have a lawyer and was content to move forward with divorce but am getting pressure to try.
> 
> *Besides her, who else is pressuring you? If her parents are pressuring you, I would be very suspect. On one hand they call you an a-hole and side with her cheating and separating from you. But if they are pressuring you to take her back now, why?? To get her out of their house? To keep a roof over her head and food in her belly? There were fine with her getting down with another man and separating from you, but when OM exits stage-left they want you to take her back???? Sounds like they all want you to be a Husband-Appliance to house her and feed her and clean up after her like stray cat they want off their front porch.*
> 
> 
> I asked her for a timeline of the affair and said come home when you finish that. It's now Monday evening and I have no time line and she's still at her parents house.
> 
> *Again, cheaters don't like ramifications or heavy lifting. They want everything swept under the rug and to carry on without any unpleasantness. *
> 
> She has texted me saying she's so sorry loves me etc. But still no timeline that I asked for.
> 
> *She wants to placate you with what she thinks you want to hear and have you forget about everything and go back to business as usual until she can find another man. *
> 
> 
> I don't understand the change if she is not serious. I also do not think I can swallow the crap sandwich she wants to force feed me anyway.
> 
> *You nailed that, it is a crap sandwich that she and possibly her family are wanting you to choke down. Personally I think you are making it way too easy and selling yourself way too short by only asking for a timeline in order to take her back. If you are seriously considering taking her back, I think your list of requirements and conditions should read like the Magna Carta including she opens all of her txts, emails, social media accounts to you, submits to STD testing, submits to a polygraph, agrees to and signs a post-nuptial agreement giving you a beneficial divorce settlement if she cheats again, agrees to individual counseling and marital counseling etc etc .*
> 
> 
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> In addition to the things above, I don't think you should consider taking her back until you have consulted a lawyer to determine your exact rights and responsibilities in a divorce and at least have a divorce plan in place and I think you should make it clear to her that this is a dynamic situation and you do not commit to taking her back until you feel in your gut that she is trustworthy and acting in good faith and that that may take years. Until then you reserve the right to file for D and walk away at any time without warning if you feel she is not acting in full faith and sincerity.


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## Wronged

Oldshirt, I can't figure out how to reply like you did so am trying my best to answer.

Her parents called me an ******* because I blabbed and told people. Before the affair blew up I was treated very well the son they always wanted. When I exposed everything I was told that should have been kept private between me and my wife and I was just trying to be hurtful and shame her and her family. I said sex should have stayed between a husband and wife and I wasn't the one to bring another person into the marriage. Also, she got caught having sex in his car in a parking garage. How private is that supposed to be when done in the middle of the day.
Her parents are pressuring me for the sake of the kids. My parnets also think I should give it a try for the kids as does my pastor. My sister says f-that get rid of her.


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## Wronged

I do not think her parents were ok with the other guy. She seems to have lied and minimized to hem a great deal especially early on. All that said, I'm not sure it matters. They are resolutely behind her from a support perspective.


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## jlg07

Wronged, you can contact @EleGirl or @MattMatt and they can move this.

Sorry you are going through this. Forget what OTHERS want you to do -- what is best for YOU and then for your kids. DO NOT stay together for the kids -- you will be miserable and show your kids that infidelity is ok.
She doesn't seem remorseful from what you've written, and it really looks like you are plan B and she wants SOMETHING since her POSOM dumped her.

Get the timeline and make her take a poly. I bet it wasn't just the "one time" and you "caught us right away". Bet it's been going on for longer than you think.

DO NOT rug sweep this and don't let ANYONE (pastor or anyone else) pressure you to accept this **** sandwich.


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## Wronged

Oldshirt, one other issue her parents had with me was that I spied on my wife. They said I should have spoken to her and could have prevented all this and that my paranoia drove her away.

But I tried speaking to her. She said she was working, a mom, had a house, was tired etc. I tried helping more around the house, made time for dates and family events and a weekend trip away. I knew something wasn't right but did not know or even suspect an affair at first. The more I tried the more distant she became and it was evident that she didn't even want to be around me. That is when I started looking and it was very difficult to find the affair.

I admit to being a bit over the top once I started looking but I kept not finding anything and our marriage kept getting worse not better. I was at my wits end when I had her watched/followed. 5-hours of that and she was caught. I should have done that part sooner.


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## jlg07

Don't worry about what her parents said -- they are desperately trying to defend their daughter when they know they have no moral ground to stand on.
If your wife didn't do anything then having her followed wouldn't have found anything, yes?
If she was innocent, then YES she's have every right to be pissed off. She isn't so she doesn't.
If any of them come at you again, just say this is 100% her fault, PERIOD. You did nothing to deserve this, nor is it your fault. If she had an issue, she could have come to ME instead of finding some other man to bang.


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## Wronged

JLG07, that is how I feel.

But they think I caused the problem by checking everything. I did check thru her phone, I used a VAR in her car, checked her internet browser history, put a gps in her car and checked up on her at her exercise class. Everything I did found nothing until I had her watched.


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## Adelais

Wronged said:


> *I blabbed to most everyone we knew, she went ballistic saying it was no one's business and I was an *******.*


Haha! Cheater's speak at it's finest! So you're a jerk for blabbing? What she means is "Now everyone knows that I am a no good cheater. You were supposed to keep my dirty secret a secret!"



Wronged said:


> She did go stay with her parents and they sided hard with her. *I pushed her into the arms of another man.*


No, you did not push her into the arms of another man. She decided to cheat instead of work on her marriage. Her parents seem like real pieces of work, to defend a cheating daugher. Some (unhealthy) families are like that. Don't believe what they are saying. They deserve their cheating daugher to be living with them.



Wronged said:


> By the end of Jan she wanted to talk, it was a one-time thing I just happened to catch the first time. My response was not kind and her family said that proved I was an ******* just looking for an excuse to divorce her.


You don't need to be listening to her or her parents. Follow your gut. She deserves any vitriol that comes her way. She broke her wedding vows in the most egregious way, and snuck around for a long time. She had sex with her lover and then came home and had sex with you. YUCK! Perhaps she even gave you the honor of licking his semen unbeknowst to you. That is just disgusting and she deserves no kindness from you for being an unfaithful harlot! As of the day she decided to begin cheating, you didn't need an "excuse" to divorce her. She gave you a very good r*eason* to divorce her.



Wronged said:


> This weekend she calls and says she wants to move back home and try counseling to save our family. I already have a lawyer and was content to move forward with divorce but am getting pressure to try. I asked her for a timeline of the affair and said come home when you finish that. It's now Monday evening and I have no time line and she's still at her parents house. She has texted me saying she's so sorry loves me etc. But still no timeline that I asked for. I don't understand the change if she is not serious. I also do not think I can swallow the crap sandwich she wants to force feed me anyway.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> On the fly
> 
> I think so. I told his wife. This was not his first affair. They moved here for a new start to get away from his previous affair. His wife got pissed and packed the kids up and moved back. He put in his notice and followed her from what I am told. Not sure if that is really true as I have been lied to constantly for months.


She is wanting to come back to you because her lover dumped her. You are Plan B, as it is called. Do not let her move back in. Tell her you will think about having counseling with her, but she cannot move back in. Let her parents suffer with her for longer. Let a few months go by after the two of you had had many counseling sessions together, and see if she ever gets truly remorseful. I mean if she ever admits to being a lying, cheater who doesn't deserve to be trusted ever again.

Also, I would require an admission of wrongdoing by her parents and a sincere apology. If you give up and let her back too soon, you will be suffering from the same thing again in the future.


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## Wronged

Araucaria, I sure don't think I ever licked any semen. She basically cut me off in the bedroom for the last few months before she moved out. We never had a dryspell like that ever. 

I need to call it a night for now. I'll be back tomorrow.


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## Adelais

Wronged said:


> Araucaria, I sure don't think I ever licked any semen. She basically cut me off in the bedroom for the last few months before she moved out. We never had a dryspell like that ever.
> 
> I need to call it a night for now. I'll be back tomorrow.


At least that didn't happen to you. Cutting you off is as bad.

Good night.


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## Lostinthought61

Wronged...as the hurt party you have every right to ask for her to everything you need to even consider her moving back but what what truly troubles me is that her family is defending her cheating and that is a something I could not move forward in reconciling. They owe you a sincere apology.


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## [email protected]

Wronged, the parents are going to taker her side regardless of what you tell them. I have seen this before. What they think does not matter. What you think is what counts. Work on yourself and get rid of her. Don't let anyone push you into R.


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## Andy1001

You aren’t going to get the timeline you want without your wife admitting to her parents that she has been lying all along. She met a player and fell for his charms,once the affair came to light he dumped her and now she knows she was nothing but another notch on his bedpost. 
If she gives you an honest timeline it will go back from well before she stopped having sex with you,in her mind sleeping with you would have being cheating on her boyfriend.But she is only admitting to what you can prove and she has already sworn that she only had sex with him once which coincidentally is the only time you can prove. 
And remember you caught her,she never owned up. 
If,and it’s a big if,you want to consider reconciliation then let her know you have other proof and she has one chance to give you the timeline. 
But you will never get it. Her parents have her back because she spun them a story about you pushing her into the affair,they may not be so forgiving,at least initially when they discover exactly what she was up to. 
Now as for yourself. You are not to blame in any way. Anyone who suggests otherwise needs to be removed from your life while this is going on and I include your parents in this. 
If anyone suggests you just accept what happened and move on ask them is this what they did when they caught their spouse cheating. If it didn’t happen to them then they have no business telling you to eat the **** sandwich. 
One more thing. Change the locks on your house. If your wife kicks off and threatens legal action tell her you lost your keys.


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## jlg07

Wronged said:


> JLG07, that is how I feel.
> 
> *But they think I caused the problem *by checking everything. I did check thru her phone, I used a VAR in her car, checked her internet browser history, put a gps in her car and checked up on her at her exercise class. Everything I did found nothing until I had her watched.


There is NOTHING you did that caused her to cheat -- that is 100% on HER.
She was cheating BEFORE YOU DID ANY OF THIS - and since she didn't know you were doing it, how would that cause her to cheat? Again, they are trying to find a way to defend her actions which are indefensible.
Ignore them, or tell them the above (100% HER fault). IF she was so pissed off, she should have divorced you. IF she was so pissed off to bang someone else, why does she "now" want you back (it's because her POSOM dumped her ass, that's why).


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## GoldenR

It sounds like this is a dealbreaker for you. And that's fine. Believe me, there's nothing worse than a BS who really hasn't the stomach to R, trying to R. Its maddening


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## Thound

Seems to me she expects you to be good old plan B. Her affair partner dumped her and moved off, so now you will have to do. I dont think I would want to be plan B, but it's not my life.


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## manwithnoname

If she hid it like a pro, it is possible it was not the first time.

DNA the kids.

Don't talk to the parents. Anyone who thinks you pushed her to the OM and doesn't see how she pushed you towards divorce by having sex with another man is an idiot.


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## oldshirt

Wronged said:


> Oldshirt, one other issue her parents had with me was that I spied on my wife. They said I should have spoken to her and could have prevented all this and that my paranoia drove her away.
> 
> But I tried speaking to her. She said she was working, a mom, had a house, was tired etc. I tried helping more around the house, made time for dates and family events and a weekend trip away. I knew something wasn't right but did not know or even suspect an affair at first. The more I tried the more distant she became and it was evident that she didn't even want to be around me. That is when I started looking and it was very difficult to find the affair.
> 
> I admit to being a bit over the top once I started looking but I kept not finding anything and our marriage kept getting worse not better. I was at my wits end when I had her watched/followed. 5-hours of that and she was caught. I should have done that part sooner.


Screw them. 

You were suspicious because she was screwing another guy and treating you poorly. 

This is like blaming the police for finding clues leading to the arrest of bank robber, murderer etc.

You have a right and duty to find out what is causing issues in your home and marriage.


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## The Middleman

Forget about what her parents are saying, they are just her enablers, so screw them. As far as I am concerned, you handled the entire matter like a champ, except for now, because you are second guessing yourself. The exposure was the correct thing to do. There is no such thing as a private infidelity. 

You know in your heart that your wife behaved like a skank, and that you can’t live with that kind of betrayal. I would stay the course towards divorce. I truly believe that she will do this again if you take her back. After all, her parents are telling her what she did was OK (you drove her onto the **** of another man). Those in the family (both her’s and yours) that are trying to get you to stay are just ‘gaslighting’ you.


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## MattMatt

@Wronged 

What happens next is entirely up to you.

If there is to be reconciliation, then that is to be entirely on your terms. A postnup would be worth looking at.

Couple's counselling will be of potential benefit.

I'd also suggest individual counselling for you to help you get through this. And counselling for the children as your wife has blown up their family.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Wronged said:


> Oldshirt, I can't figure out how to reply like you did so am trying my best to answer.
> 
> Her parents called me an ******* because I blabbed and told people. Before the affair blew up I was treated very well the son they always wanted. When I exposed everything I was told that should have been kept private between me and my wife and I was just trying to be hurtful and shame her and her family. I said sex should have stayed between a husband and wife and I wasn't the one to bring another person into the marriage. Also, she got caught having sex in his car in a parking garage. How private is that supposed to be when done in the middle of the day.
> Her parents are pressuring me for the sake of the kids. My parnets also think I should give it a try for the kids as does my pastor. My sister says f-that get rid of her.


Exposure was the right thing to do. It kills affairs. It is like spraying Lysol on germs. Do not make a decision one way or the other until your emotions are in check. Once you are on an even keel do what is best for you.


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## Diana7

Sadly it seems that she only wants to come back because her affair has been ended by the OM. It also appears that she is still lying, trying to make you believe that it only happened once, despite the fact that the things you said here implly that it had been going on for months. Also she is lying to her parents, trying to make out that its your fault. 
To be honest she isn't showing any repentance, had you not found out it would still be going on, and she isn't coming clean. 

Until she tells the whole truth and takes full responsibility there is no point in reconciliation.


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## StillSearching

@Wronged 
I'd call a lawyer today and start the paperwork.
I been there done that.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

No timeline? 
Translation: "This is your cue to beg me to stay, rugsweep everything, promise to never bring up the A again because it makes me uncomfortable, and we will go back to being the way we were before I destroyed your world." If she wants to leave, show her the door.


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## aine

Wronged said:


> Oldshirt, one other issue her parents had with me was that I spied on my wife. They said I should have spoken to her and could have prevented all this and that my paranoia drove her away.
> 
> But I tried speaking to her. She said she was working, a mom, had a house, was tired etc. I tried helping more around the house, made time for dates and family events and a weekend trip away. I knew something wasn't right but did not know or even suspect an affair at first. The more I tried the more distant she became and it was evident that she didn't even want to be around me. That is when I started looking and it was very difficult to find the affair.
> 
> I admit to being a bit over the top once I started looking but I kept not finding anything and our marriage kept getting worse not better. I was at my wits end when I had her watched/followed. 5-hours of that and she was caught. I should have done that part sooner.


Do not take responsibility for your wife's cheating, that is BS! Many of us wives have less than desirable H when it comes to romance, helping around the house etc, but the response is not to run out and cheat and destory a marriage and family.
Do not listen to these people, they are not the ones who will have to live with what she has done, you do. You are not happy with reconciling, so don't. It seems that the gift of reconciliation would be wasted on her anyway, there is no acceptance or remorse for what she has done. Your kids will be fine with a man who is happy with himself.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

Ayup. A woman splits and goes silent for days/weeks and then mysteriously wants to reunite? Her primary choice of orgasm donor found a better charity.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Wronged said:


> sunsetmist, I can't live like this for another 3-5 years. I just am not capable of that. Honestly, I'm exhausted and fried now. I don't think I could make another 3-5 months at this rate.


Nor *SHOULD* you. She doesn't deserve squat from you.

Your cheating, lying wife disrespected you for months and months while you ran around like a trained seal desperately trying to make things work and she LET you do that while she was putting all her effort into her married boyfriend. Seriously, what kind of complete POS watches their poor spouse trying desperately to fix something they didn't even break and just _*allows*_ the poor sucker to keep going at it day after day, month after month? Who DOES that? That reason ALONE is enough to drop kick her worthless ass to the curb.

LOL...I love how she suddenly 'came out of the fog' and looooooooooves you and wants only you now, and wants to 'try' again. What a pile of manure. Now that her married boyfriend has gone back to his wife and their affair has been blown up and he doesn't want her anymore, she suddenly wants to reconcile with you!

You lucky, lucky man!

Just know that 'genuine remorse' is about as rare as frog hair. Don't misunderstand - most cheaters are great at making it *look* like they're remorseful, it's not hard to fake at all. Cheaters do it all the time and it works for the BS. But genuine, TRUE remorse? Very rare. Most cheaters are just glad they got away with it and didn't get dragged into divorce court when it was all said and done. And many just go on to cheat again. That's pretty much how it goes.



> My parnets also think I should give it a try for the kids as does my pastor.


Do your parents and your pastor know that your oh-so-classy Wife of the Year got caught having sex in the car with her married boyfriend in some parking garage? 

If you take this user back, do know that this will NOT be the last time you catch her ass cheating. She's vicious and vile and has shown you her true colors.

If you're smart, you'll get to your lawyer's office and be *done *with this poisonous snake.


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## 3Xnocharm

Stop talking to her parents, other than to tell them to butt the **** out of your life and that what they think of you doesnt ****ing matter, they are dead to you. Ignore them, block them at all communication points. You were 100% in the right to both spy on her and to expose her affair. My current boyfriend went through similar crap with his ex wife's parents. She was so far into her affair that she even had an engagement ring from the other man, and her father supported her, blamed my bf and made his life total hell through the divorce. What kind of person does that?? No way in hell I would support my daughter like that, and I would do pretty much anything for her. Realize that staying with her would mean these disgusting people also stay in your life....

As others have said, you are now her plan B since her AP went off chasing down his wife. Her unwillingness to provide you a timeline proves that she is not remorseful, and she is not willing or capable of doing the heavy lifting to even start a reconciliation. File for divorce. She has shown you how she feels about you, so take her at her word. This is YOUR LIFE and those people who are pushing you to try again with her do not have your best interest at heart. Dont listen to them, you are only going to prolong your own misery if you do.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

I think a lot of BS don’t want to pull the plug out of fear. Afraid of what everyone will think. Remember you’re simple response to anyone who asked why did you get divorced, “She was unfaithful”. Nothing more. Just the Facts.


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## TDSC60

The first step in any R is for the cheater to answer any and all questions honestly without delay.
They want to rugsweep the affair and they want forgiveness for the unforgivable.
But without honesty, you can never KNOW what you are expected to forgive.

One question, do you feel like you can ever trust her again? If not get the divorce.

Also staying for the kids never works out well. It condemns you to a life of pain, suspicion, and heartache. Young kids can adapt to almost any situation. So divorce is not that bad on the kids.


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## Kamstel

Sounds to me like you know what you need to do. If I were you, and I was 11 months ago, I would continue to move forward with the divorce. Personally, I believe it is better for the kids to have parents that are divorced and living separately, then to have parents living under the same roof with all of the hostility and tension. Trust me, kids know.

To pacify the parents and her, tell them that the divorce process is very long, and can be stopped at any time along the way. Also, you are not ruling out the possibility of you two getting back together after the divorce is finalized, but much of that depends on her and her behavior


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## Kamstel

Tell the parents that you are doing what is best for you and the kids.


Good luck and stay strong


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## farsidejunky

No timeline?

No attempt reconciliation for her.

Do not give one inch on this. Zero compromises from you. None. 

She should be moving hell and Earth to earn your trust at this point.

Remember: never watch what they say. Always watch what they do. 

What do her actions tell you?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

Wronged said:


> Oldshirt, I can't figure out how to reply like you did so am trying my best to answer.
> 
> *Her parents called me an ******* because I blabbed and told people. Before the affair blew up I was treated very well the son they always wanted. When I exposed everything I was told that should have been kept private between me and my wife and I was just trying to be hurtful and shame her and her family. * I said sex should have stayed between a husband and wife and I wasn't the one to bring another person into the marriage. Also, she got caught having sex in his car in a parking garage. How private is that supposed to be when done in the middle of the day.
> Her parents are pressuring me for the sake of the kids. My parnets also think I should give it a try for the kids as does my pastor. My sister says f-that get rid of her.


Total bull****. She was the one who brought consequences to her and her family. Not you.

It's not your job to help hide her affair.

Her parents want you to fix this so they don't have to help. Your parents and pastor are typical people who have zero knowledge of infidelity. They don't have to live your life you do.

INO get the divorce ASAP. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on give and it never goes away plus she has the capability to cheat which means it could happen again.

You want to take the chance on going through this a second time? I sure as hell wouldn't


----------



## Marc878

Her and her parents are cut out of the same cloth. You'd be wise to cut off contact. No one can stop you from that.

Talking will get you nothing.


----------



## re16

If you try to reconcile, you will never be able to trust her again. You will wonder what she is up to when she isn't with you forever. You will think about the OM being in her when you have sex.

Don't do it. There are literally billions of women in the world, why would you stay with the one that has done this to you.

I would demand timeline and full disclosure just so you get the real picture of what happened, it will help you confirm your decision to divorce.

Her parents are flat out wrong, you did the right to expose the affair. She just doesn't want consequences, which is why she is stalling on the timeline.

I would demand timeline and polygraph (even if you don't intend to do one) just to put the pressure on.


----------



## Marc878

Wronged said:


> Hello, I'm new to the forum. I have been reading here for a few months, but thought I had things sorted. I don't I guess.
> 
> Bottom line.
> Wife and I are both 36 married 9 years. 2 kids preschool and first grade.
> Marriage was good until this past summer. After 6 months of trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to do more at home, woo my wife, ask for counseling together, etc. She's involved with another man from work and hid it like a pro.
> I was starting to think I was crazy until the truth finally came out.
> 
> Cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot.
> 
> I blabbed to most everyone we knew, she went ballistic saying it was no one's business and I was an *******. This was just after Christmas but before New years day.
> 
> Exposure is kryptonite to cheaters. All cheaters think it's your job to help hide their affair
> 
> She did go stay with her parents and they sided hard with her. I pushed her into the arms of another man.
> 
> They are not your family and will always side with her. Not class people. You're better off without them
> 
> By the end of Jan she wanted to talk, it was a one-time thing I just happened to catch the first time. My response was not kind and her family said that proved I was an ******* just looking for an excuse to divorce her.
> 
> Cheaters lie a lot. Her boyfriend dumped her. Her and her family need your checkbook. You don't matter much
> 
> This weekend she calls and says she wants to move back home and try counseling to save our family. I already have a lawyer and was content to move forward with divorce but am getting pressure to try. I asked her for a timeline of the affair and said come home when you finish that. It's now Monday evening and I have no time line and she's still at her parents house. She has texted me saying she's so sorry loves me etc. But still no timeline that I asked for. I don't understand the change if she is not serious. I also do not think I can swallow the crap sandwich she wants to force feed me anyway.
> 
> Marriage counciling is to make you out the bad guy. Most MC's just want to rug sweep. She has zero remourse. Which means you'd be better off filing.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> On the fly
> 
> I think so. I told his wife. This was not his first affair. They moved here for a new start to get away from his previous affair. His wife got pissed and packed the kids up and moved back. He put in his notice and followed her from what I am told. Not sure if that is really true as I have been lied to constantly for months.


You can't believe anything. Your wayward wife and her family want a rugsweep. They want you to choke down the **** sandwich she served you and just get over it.

Better think long and hard before you take this low class bunch back into your life.

They've told you and shown you what you need to know. If you're smart you'll believe them.


----------



## Yeswecan

Wronged said:


> sunsetmist, I can't live like this for another 3-5 years. I just am not capable of that. Honestly, I'm exhausted and fried now. I don't think I could make another 3-5 months at this rate.
> 
> I think I need to push back against the pressure I'm getting to try again.
> 
> I did really try when I sensed that something wasn't going right. I put in extra effort and gave everything I had. My efforts were rejected and only seemed to make it worse.
> 
> I can't seem to figure out how to contact a moderator. Sorry I posted in the wrong spot. I thought I had to post here first.


Stay the course of your D. You take control and do not let others dictate how YOU should handle the crap sandwich handed to you by your STBXW. Stay strong.


----------



## Yeswecan

Wronged said:


> Oldshirt, I can't figure out how to reply like you did so am trying my best to answer.
> 
> Her parents called me an ******* because I blabbed and told people. Before the affair blew up I was treated very well the son they always wanted. When I exposed everything I was told that should have been kept private between me and my wife and I was just trying to be hurtful and shame her and her family. I said sex should have stayed between a husband and wife and I wasn't the one to bring another person into the marriage. Also, she got caught having sex in his car in a parking garage. How private is that supposed to be when done in the middle of the day.
> Her parents are pressuring me for the sake of the kids. My parnets also think I should give it a try for the kids as does my pastor. My sister says f-that get rid of her.


Not telling everyone helps hid her illicit affair in the car. Screw that! I'm with your sister. You deserve better.


----------



## Yeswecan

Wronged said:


> Oldshirt, one other issue her parents had with me was that I spied on my wife. They said I should have spoken to her and could have prevented all this and that my paranoia drove her away.
> 
> But I tried speaking to her. She said she was working, a mom, had a house, was tired etc. I tried helping more around the house, made time for dates and family events and a weekend trip away. I knew something wasn't right but did not know or even suspect an affair at first. The more I tried the more distant she became and it was evident that she didn't even want to be around me. That is when I started looking and it was very difficult to find the affair.
> 
> I admit to being a bit over the top once I started looking but I kept not finding anything and our marriage kept getting worse not better. I was at my wits end when I had her watched/followed. 5-hours of that and she was caught. I should have done that part sooner.


Your in-laws don't know a damn thing about infidelity. If you confronted your W she would go underground without proof about her affair. STOP taking any blame. Your WW should have come to you if there was a problem in the marriage. Taking it to OM at work is not the answer.


----------



## Yeswecan

Wronged said:


> JLG07, that is how I feel.
> 
> But they think I caused the problem by checking everything. I did check thru her phone, I used a VAR in her car, checked her internet browser history, put a gps in her car and checked up on her at her exercise class. Everything I did found nothing until I had her watched.


Your gut was screaming at you. You listened. Your WW was very good at hiding it. Keep going with the D. Who wants to live with that every day.


----------



## turnera

Wronged said:


> I blabbed to most everyone we knew, she went ballistic saying it was no one's business and I was an *******. She did go stay with her parents and they sided hard with her. I pushed her into the arms of another man.
> 
> By the end of Jan she wanted to talk, it was a one-time thing I just happened to catch the first time. This weekend she calls and says she wants to move back home and try counseling to save our family.


Ok, you've actually done the right things. No, you didn't push her into his arms. She was already there, testing to see what you'd do. And you did the right thing - make it clear you won't share your wife. She got the message loud and clear. Now that she's been dumped, you're her Plan B. Which can be a good thing, depending on what kind of cheater she was. My guess is the marriage was stale, kids made her feel not a catch anymore, and this smooth guy talked her up and made her feel special to get in her pants - he IS an expert, after all. And she fell for it, like many people do.

She has a choice now - own it and toe the line to get you back or let her parents fill her head with nonsense about how she deserves better. If she chooses the latter, she's going to spend the rest of her life moving from putz to putz and die unhappy. If she chooses the former, you can guide her back to a decent life. But you have to be firm on what you expect from her. 

Download the book Surviving An Affair and read it asap. Come up with a list of actions you'll have to see from her:
timeline
admitting to her parents, in front of you, of what she did and how this had nothing to do with you - this is vital if you're going to stay together, as they need to stop demonizing you; it will cripple the marriage
committing to MC so you can discover how she fell for it so it doesn't happen again, and improve communication, and improve the marriage so neither of you is susceptible again
taking off passwords on all electronics or else giving you the passwords to all electronics and willingly let you see them whenever you want
installing GPS on her car for the near future to help you deal with your insecurity about her actions
reading the book Surviving An Affair so she can see what she did
reading the book His Needs Her Needs - together - so you two can recommit to a healthy marriage
testing for STDs

That should be a good start. If the affair was severely bad, you always could also include a polygraph and a postnup agreement, but I'm not sure your situation calls for them.

If she's willing to do those things, I'd let her come home. If she won't, just shrug and say 'I guess you aren't that serious, then, see you in court.'

You have to stay in a position of power for the foreseeable future until the affair fog fades and she realizes what a horrible thing she's done.


----------



## turnera

Wronged said:


> Her parents called me an ******* because I blabbed and told people.


Just show them the book Surviving an Affair or tell them about forums like this and explain that the best way to save a marriage is to expose it.


----------



## turnera

Double post.


----------



## Imajerk17

Wronged said:


> Hello, I'm new to the forum. I have been reading here for a few months, but thought I had things sorted. I don't I guess.
> 
> Bottom line.
> Wife and I are both 36 married 9 years. 2 kids preschool and first grade.
> Marriage was good until this past summer. After 6 months of trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to do more at home, woo my wife, ask for counseling together, etc. She's involved with another man from work and hid it like a pro.
> I was starting to think I was crazy until the truth finally came out.
> 
> I blabbed to most everyone we knew, she went ballistic saying it was no one's business and I was an *******. This was just after Christmas but before New years day.
> 
> She did go stay with her parents and they sided hard with her. I pushed her into the arms of another man.
> 
> By the end of Jan she wanted to talk, it was a one-time thing I just happened to catch the first time. My response was not kind and her family said that proved I was an ******* just looking for an excuse to divorce her.
> 
> This weekend she calls and says she wants to move back home and try counseling to save our family. I already have a lawyer and was content to move forward with divorce but am getting pressure to try. I asked her for a timeline of the affair and said come home when you finish that. It's now Monday evening and I have no time line and she's still at her parents house. She has texted me saying she's so sorry loves me etc. But still no timeline that I asked for. I don't understand the change if she is not serious. I also do not think I can swallow the crap sandwich she wants to force feed me anyway.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> On the fly
> 
> I think so. I told his wife. This was not his first affair. They moved here for a new start to get away from his previous affair. His wife got pissed and packed the kids up and moved back. He put in his notice and followed her from what I am told. Not sure if that is really true as I have been lied to constantly for months.


Skimming through the rest of this thread it looks to me that it is unanimous that you should not take her back. I absolutely agree.

1. Her parents do NOT have your best interests at heart, it is your WW who is their first concern. That you stay married to a woman who disrespected you the way she did and it means that you feel emasculated because of that, isn't really in their sphere of concern. The pain and anger YOU felt about your WW treating you awfully while she shut you out in the bedroom--forsaking you to being faithful to MM!--isn't something they care about too deeply. They are a lot more concerned about your WW's future going forward and how hard it would be for her to date and remarry (her scarlet letter).

2. Joint Counseling is an absolute waste of time anyway, it implies that the reason why she wrecked your family to get with the town scumbag is because you didn't tell her how nice she looked that time back in 2013, or something like that. 

3. She is "sorry" that she is without Plan A (MM) and that she wrecked her life, but she is NOT sorry for the pain she put you through. 

I say stay strong, continuue w divorce proceedings and don't look back.


----------



## Satisfied Mind

Wronged, I'm really sorry you find yourself here in this situation.

Reconciliation isn't possible unless she demonstrates complete honesty and transparency, expresses remorse for her actions (not for the consequences of being caught), and is willing to do the heavy lifting to rebuild your relationship. Right now, she isn't doing any of those things, and it's unlikely she'll start while under the same roof as her enabling parents.

Even if she does start doing all of those things, that doesn't mean reconciliation is right for you, no matter what your family or pastor says. You may never be able to get over what she did, the trust she shattered, or the fact that you were her plan B. If you can't, the best thing for you and your kids is to leave the cheater as soon as you figure that out.

The woman you thought you were married to is no more and the marriage you had is dead. I think you've been given good advice to begin divorce proceedings. It expedites your separation and healing if you don't reconcile, and if you do try reconciliation you can always put a stop to the proceedings or finalize the divorce and start dating from scratch. Starting divorce proceedings also sends a strong message to your wife about the significance of her actions and that she won't be able to sweep this under the rug. In any event, you do need to start talking to a lawyer to figure out what your options are and what you can do to protect yourself right now.


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## SnowToArmPits

Wronged said:


> Her parents called me an ******* because I blabbed and told people.


Next time this happens, tell her parents there's some choice names you could call their cheating daughter. After calling you, their son in law an ******* or bastard or whatever it was, don't think I'd be sending them a Christmas card. Seriously, I wouldn't want them in my life.

Hold tough for the timeline. If she can't give you that (what amounts to a full admission to her nasty behaviour), don't entertain R with her.


----------



## Yeswecan

SnowToArmPits said:


> Next time this happens, tell her parents there's some choice names you could call their cheating daughter. After calling you, their son in law an ******* or bastard or whatever it was, don't think I'd be sending them a Christmas card. Seriously, I wouldn't want them in my life.
> 
> Hold tough for the timeline. If she can't give you that (what amounts to a full admission to her nasty behaviour), don't entertain R with her.


Stop talking to the parents. They are not a friend of your marriage. Why bother. Start the 180.


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## personofinterest

Ignore her parents. They are protecting their daughter.

She has done nothing but say some pretty words. A timeline would have taken maybe an hour to write out - she didn't.

I would just proceed with the divorce without emotion. Be cordial, like you would with a salesperson you had never met. Take care of your kids. And like someone said, if asked, just say, "she was unfaithful." The end.

Don't worry what outsiders "say" about you or your situation. YOU were the one betrayed.


----------



## Affaircare

@Wronged, 

I want to piggyback off of what @turnera wrote, because I think it is important for you to understand the difference between *REGRET *and REMORSE. Now, most anyone in the position in which your unfaithful wife finds herself would say something to the effect of "I'm sorry! I mean it this time!" and maybe even cry big, crocodile tears. But how do you tell if she just regrets "how it all turned out" or if she is truly repentant about what she did and the way she acted?

One clear way is as @farsidejunky mentioned: look at her actions. Words are meaningless right now. She used words FOR MONTHS to try to convince you that you were crazy, you were making all this up, you were at fault, etc. So words clearly obscure the truth. But actions...hmmm actions usually reveal what is really true and what isn't. All the while her mouth was telling you she would love you if only she weren't so tired, etc. her actions were showing you that she didn't love you and that she had plenty of energy for someone else! See what I mean?

Sooo...#1 look at what her actions are telling you. * A truly remorseful, repentant person* will be the first one to admit they were wrong--not you. They'll do that by going to their parents and saying "It was my fault, not his" or going to the kids and saying "We are divorcing and it wasn't anything your daddy did, it was me." Those actions would indicate that she "gets it" that SHE was the one who chose to act in a way that resulted in dropping a nuclear bomb on her happy family--and indicate that she is taking personal responsibility for it. 

On the other hand, *a person who regrets how it all turned out* will squirm and avoid admitting it was them or that they were wrong, and will often try to minimize or spread the blame around and include you. They'll do that by telling their parents they only did X because you did Y...or telling the kids that "mommy and daddy just grew apart because daddy worked so many hours." Those actions would indicate that she is sorry about the fact that she had a nice home, a nice bank account, and two kids at home, and now she's going to have to take care of herself by herself, live on about half of what she's used to, and probably have to get a darn job! She regrets that she placed a bet on the OM and her bet didn't "pay off"--and darned if others don't "owe her" and she "deserves better"! 

@turnera 's list are some additional good examples of the types of actions a truly remorseful, repentant person would take...and here's why:


*Creating a full, complete timeline.* It would demonstrate that she's admitting to it all and not trying to hide anything from you anymore. Yep she'd feel shame, but some part of her would recognize it's because she behaved shamefully! A person with regrets would try to avoid the full truth, would trickle "as much as you can prove," and would keep hiding whatever they can.
*Admitting to her parents, in front of you, of what she did and how this had nothing to do with you.* As @turnera said this is vital to rebuilding a new marriage, as they need to stop demonizing you. She would be taking personal responsibility for what she chose to do of her own accord, and accepting the consequences of her own choice. A person with regrets would minimize and blamecast and feel entitled. 
*Committing to MC so you can discover how she fell for it so it doesn't happen again, and improve communication, and improve the marriage so neither of you is susceptible again.* It would show that she understands that SHE is the one who needs to do work on herself, and that she is going to have to change the way she thinks and how she feels. The way she thought of marriage before leads to adultery--and it is her job to protect the marriage (and you) from her own weaknesses. A person with regrets would resist MC, would want to "just get past it" and look to the future with no effort or consequences. 
*Taking off passwords on all electronics or else giving you the passwords to all electronics and willingly let you see them whenever you want.* It would demonstrate willingness to be transparent. See one of the reasons this happened, is that rather than risking a little bit of fear and telling you the truth, she covered up--a little here, a little there--pretty soon you weren't seeing the real her at all. She didn't let you hear her real thoughts or tell you her real feelings. So she has to now practice being transparent with you and let you See Through to the real her. A person with regrets would accuse you and say "You just have to trust me" even though they've acted in ways that aren't worthy of trust!
*Installing GPS on her car for the near future to help you deal with your insecurity about her actions.* It would demonstrate that she understands that IT IS REASONABLE FOR YOU TO FEEL INSECURE and that it was her actions that lead to your lack of trust, not because you have some freaky trust issues. You trust just fine: you trust her to lie. If she wants you to trust her to tell the truth a) she has to be honest (see being transparent above) and b) she has to walk in a way that DEMONSTRATES trust-worthiness. A person with regrets would not understand why you'd feel insecure and would not be thinking of you at all, but rather thinking of themselves and whether they'd be inconvenienced...
*Reading (I'm going to say "Affair Recovery and Marriage Building" books) so she can see what she did AND rebuild a brand new, healthy marriage. * It would demonstrate that she is willing to put in the effort, accept her share of the responsibility, and bare her side of the load (which should be the gigantically larger side) of making something new. It will never be "the way it was" but if she was really remorseful/repentant, she'd be willing to spend the rest of her life working hard to be a better spouse. And the only way you do that is to learn and practice. A person with regrets might read a page or two but then claim it's baloney, things were okay the way they used to be, and refuse to change or grow. Really they just want to have you under their control again. 
*Testing for STDs.* It would demonstrate that she realizes that she put YOUR health at risk for her pleasure, and that a little embarrassment is worth confirming your health and safety. She would put YOU ahead of her possible shame. A person with regrets would be more worried about their own privacy or shame, and not even consider what they may or may not have given you. 

So @Wronged just bear this in mind as you consider the option of letting her come home. When people (parents and clergy) pressure you to give her a chance, remember what true remorseful repentance looks like. If she is not doing the kinds of things mentioned above, then it's not truly REPENTANCE and that means she just regrets that she lost her snug little position. She lost the bet and now that she'll have to pay the cost for her choice, she's squealing that her choice hurt her. Well...YEAH! She chose to commit adultery, and she gets to choose now if she will really and truly REPENT or just make fake crocodile tears. 

And YOU get to choose to not take back someone who is not truly repentant!


----------



## Spicy

The advice has been dead on from my fellow posters.

I just wanted to point out that you are doing excellent. You are way ahead of the curve here. I’m so happy you found TAM because it is a fantastic resource.

You could end up being a prime example for all those who worry about exposure. Many times it is the _only_ thing that breaks up an affair, and sometimes can save your marriage in the long run.

Since she is _supposedly religious_ you have the out that that bible provides with adultry. So they should not be pressuring you to stay. It is completely up to YOU.

Keep up the good work. Hugs to you and your babies. I’m so sorry you are here.


----------



## Wronged

Well I was completely unfocused at work today and told my boss why. She let me go home early today. I've been reading and contemplating the responses received. Thanks to all for your time.

I do not for 1 second believe I caught the first and only time they were together. Based on being cutoff in the bedroom, I'd estimate they were going at it for about 3 months before I got clear proof. I don't remember who said she probably didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend but that makes sense in a weird way. 

I still have no timeline, but she wants to see me after work today so she should be here in about 45-minutes. I told her if she didn't have a complete timeline done with all the details that I don't want to see her. She said it is best if we deal with the hardest parts with an experienced marriage therapist who can help process the issues. I told her I would not meet with any therapist or anyone but my lawyer without a complete timeline. So maybe she won't show, but she said she poured her heart and soul into a timeline I need to see.

I don't think I can get past this even if it were "just" the one time. I lived thru 6-months of hell with her and the past few have sucked as well. I just want to move on with a divorce, but would like to know how much of an idiot I have been. 

My pastor did point out that while she hid the technology parts so well, she couldn't hide her conscience. That is why she grew distant and there were red flags because she is redeemable from his perspective. He says the ones to watch out for are the ones who can act like there is nothing wrong at all. A lie my wife couldn't commit to in her daily life. I like the guy but this is just a bit too much for me. She obviously knew how to hide her tracks very well. I looked hard and looked more than once and found nothing. 

I do think I will try reaching out to her boyfriend's wife to see if she has any details she can share. She and I exchanged cell numbers when I spoke to her, but I have not heard a peep from her since. Maybe she has found something I don't know that I could use to fact check my wife's story... if she ever gives me something that might be true. I wish I didn't care at all about knowing the details.


----------



## sunsetmist

To make it clear, I agree with @Affaircare and ALL the others. I spoke before of remorse and other steps in the article hoping you would see there were none being taken by her.

I am divorced. I know the pressure especially from church and some relatives. It was the best thing I ever did--it saved my life. Years later my ex-MIL sent me a message by one of my then grown children, "Now I understand. Forgive me." She was then depending on my ex for help. My true friends understood too.

Enough about me! Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right, find quiet time, pray, trust yourself--no one else has walked in your shoes. Listen to your lawyer. She chose infidelity--broke your marriage vows. It was NOT your fault. Her way of coping is to cheat and you do not deserve the pain, censure, and abuse. Blessings. You can do this.


----------



## Wronged

I did do a paternity test with my kids using a kit. They are mine. I do not think this issue of her fooling around has happened before in our marriage, but then again I never thought it would happen.


----------



## Imajerk17

Wronged said:


> Well I was completely unfocused at work today and told my boss why. She let me go home early today. I've been reading and contemplating the responses received. Thanks to all for your time.
> 
> I do not for 1 second believe I caught the first and only time they were together. Based on being cutoff in the bedroom, I'd estimate they were going at it for about 3 months before I got clear proof. I don't remember who said she probably didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend but that makes sense in a weird way.
> 
> I still have no timeline, but she wants to see me after work today so she should be here in about 45-minutes. I told her if she didn't have a complete timeline done with all the details that I don't want to see her. She said it is best if we deal with the hardest parts with an experienced marriage therapist who can help process the issues. I told her I would not meet with any therapist or anyone but my lawyer without a complete timeline. So maybe she won't show, but she said she poured her heart and soul into a timeline I need to see.
> 
> I don't think I can get past this even if it were "just" the one time. I lived thru 6-months of hell with her and the past few have sucked as well. I just want to move on with a divorce, but would like to know how much of an idiot I have been.
> 
> *My pastor did point out that while she hid the technology parts so well, she couldn't hide her conscience. That is why she grew distant and there were red flags because she is redeemable from his perspective. He says the ones to watch out for are the ones who can act like there is nothing wrong at all. A lie my wife couldn't commit to in her daily life. I like the guy but this is just a bit too much for me. She obviously knew how to hide her tracks very well. I looked hard and looked more than once and found nothing. *
> 
> I do think I will try reaching out to her boyfriend's wife to see if she has any details she can share. She and I exchanged cell numbers when I spoke to her, but I have not heard a peep from her since. Maybe she has found something I don't know that I could use to fact check my wife's story... if she ever gives me something that might be true. I wish I didn't care at all about knowing the details.


If she had a conscience worth mentioning she would not have been stringing you along for 6 months while she was faithful to another man, in the first place. Even with that said: She also would not have been blaming YOU for exposing her affair or for trying to find out what was happening. 

And I agree that a marriage counselor is a HORRIBLE idea. That presupposes that the reasons why she cheated is that there was something wrong with YOU or with the marriage i.e., that the fault lies on on BOTH your ends. You are going to end up being blamed for something that just is NOT your fault, by both her AND your WW. e.g., the marriage counselor will ask what was lacking in you or in your marriage i.e., 'what was it that you did' that caused your wife to stray. Good Grief!!

You may not have been the perfect husband but that is NO justification for her going for the town scumbag--and being sexually exclusive for HIM and forsaking YOU--and keeping you in the dark all this time, for 6 months. That is 100% on your WW.


----------



## farsidejunky

Whether she fooled around before is largely irrelevant.

Stick to what you know.

1. You have proof she cheated on you.

2. She has taken ZERO action to show herself to be a candidate for reconciliation. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Kamstel

Have you met with the lawyer yet?

Good luck with the meeting tonight


----------



## Marc878

Wronged said:


> Well I was completely unfocused at work today and told my boss why. She let me go home early today. I've been reading and contemplating the responses received. Thanks to all for your time.
> 
> I do not for 1 second believe I caught the first and only time they were together. Based on being cutoff in the bedroom, I'd estimate they were going at it for about 3 months before I got clear proof. I don't remember who said she probably didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend but that makes sense in a weird way.
> 
> All cheaters lie a lot. They only confess to what you know. You got nothing but lies and that's all you're getting
> 
> I still have no timeline, but she wants to see me after work today so she should be here in about 45-minutes. I told her if she didn't have a complete timeline done with all the details that I don't want to see her. She said it is best if we deal with the hardest parts with an experienced marriage therapist who can help process the issues. I told her I would not meet with any therapist or anyone but my lawyer without a complete timeline. So maybe she won't show, but she said she poured her heart and soul into a timeline I need to see.
> 
> Marriage counselors are for the most part rugsweepers. Tell her to go to IC
> 
> I don't think I can get past this even if it were "just" the one time. I lived thru 6-months of hell with her and the past few have sucked as well. I just want to move on with a divorce, but would like to know how much of an idiot I have been.
> 
> If it's a deal breaker all you're gonna due is waste your time and life for what?
> 
> My pastor did point out that while she hid the technology parts so well, she couldn't hide her conscience. That is why she grew distant and there were red flags because she is redeemable from his perspective. He says the ones to watch out for are the ones who can act like there is nothing wrong at all. A lie my wife couldn't commit to in her daily life. I like the guy but this is just a bit too much for me. She obviously knew how to hide her tracks very well. I looked hard and looked more than once and found nothing.
> 
> Most pastors don't have a clue about infidelity. Yours obviously doesn't either. It's save the marriage at all cost. Even the the cost will be on you
> 
> I do think I will try reaching out to her boyfriend's wife to see if she has any details she can share. She and I exchanged cell numbers when I spoke to her, but I have not heard a peep from her since. Maybe she has found something I don't know that I could use to fact check my wife's story... if she ever gives me something that might be true. I wish I didn't care at all about knowing the details.


The other betrayed wife will be your best source of info. Your wife is a proven liar you can't believe anything she tells you. She is in self preservation mode. Trying to keep her lifestyle she so carelessly threw away. Do it ASAP.


----------



## sunsetmist

Wronged said:


> . I don't remember who said she probably didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend but that makes sense in a weird way.
> 
> *Distance in the bedroom is part of what cheaters do most of the time.*
> 
> She said it is best if we deal with the hardest parts with an experienced marriage therapist who can help process the issues. I told her I would not meet with any therapist or anyone but my lawyer without a complete timeline. So maybe she won't show, but she said she poured her heart and soul into a timeline I need to see.
> 
> *Sounds like she wants someone to minimize her infidelity--BS.*
> 
> I don't think I can get past this even if it were "just" the one time. I lived thru 6-months of hell with her and the past few have sucked as well. I just want to move on with a divorce, but would like to know how much of an idiot I have been.
> 
> *Once is a lie, but that is all it takes for you to see what you married.*
> 
> My pastor did point out that while she hid the technology parts so well, she couldn't hide her conscience. That is why she grew distant and there were red flags because she is redeemable from his perspective. He says the ones to watch out for are the ones who can act like there is nothing wrong at all. A lie my wife couldn't commit to in her daily life. I like the guy but this is just a bit too much for me. She obviously knew how to hide her tracks very well. I looked hard and looked more than once and found nothing.
> 
> *She grew distant, not because of her conscience, but because she was in limerence with her new boyfriend. Pastors usually have an agenda that is different from other counselors. Ask him how much training he has had in counseling infidelity.*
> 
> I do think I will try reaching out to her boyfriend's wife to see if she has any details she can share. She and I exchanged cell numbers when I spoke to her, but I have not heard a peep from her since. Maybe she has found something I don't know that I could use to fact check my wife's story... if she ever gives me something that might be true. I wish I didn't care at all about knowing the details.


*Do you want to spend the rest of your life being the wife police? She chose to leave your marriage for however long she wants to lie about. She lied to you family and friends. She ****ed him and refused you. Her character deficit is mind-boggling. Think (alone----by yourself) before you commit to anything.*


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## Marc878

Wronged said:


> *My pastor did point out that while she hid the technology parts so well, she couldn't hide her conscience. That is why she grew distant and there were red flags because she is redeemable from his perspective.* He says the ones to watch out for are the ones who can act like there is nothing wrong at all. A lie my wife couldn't commit to in her daily life. I like the guy but this is just a bit too much for me. She obviously knew how to hide her tracks very well. I looked hard and looked more than once and found nothing.
> .


I'm sure your pastor is well meaning but his perspective is that of a naive fool. I've seen many of these types. They know know or have any knowledge of Infidelty and its long term effects.

She had a conscience? She cut you off sexually so she wouldn't be cheating on her boyfriend. That's very typical in case you didn't know. Her vows didn't mean a damn thing.
She lied for months while carrying on her affair. Then tried to lie and say it was only once? And she has a conscience? Really?

Everyone wants you to take her back for their benefit not yours.
The pastor so he can feel good about doing a good deed even though he doesn't have to live with the aftermath.
Her parents so they don't have to be bothered at helping her out.
Your wayward wife so she can have her flies tyke back she so carelessly there away.

What do you get? A wife who cheated and has the capability to cheat. Lifelong memories of her having hot sex with her boyfriend. Not ever being able to trust her again. Not knowing if you're getting lies or the truth.

You better think long and hard here bud. I don't see many who regret divorcing a cheater but I see a lot regretting staying.


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## Marc878

When you speak yo the other mans wife. Tell her you need her help. You did her a favore when you informed her so.

Tell her you need the truth because you don't think you have it.

Do not inform your wife you're going to contact the other betrayed spouse.


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## Emerging Buddhist

I am very much pro-reconciliation but you should be fully aware of which side of the bars you could end up on.

One side a prisoner, one side a jailer... neither will be healthy or successful.

The thing with forgiving is you either can/do or you can't/don't... but you may have to forgive her motivations for wanting to save things as well because her desires may have little to do with you but more herself. Problem is how do you trust?

Do you know what her motivations are? Once you trust those, the rest of your answers will come.

Actions maketh marriage, remember that givers set limits because takers struggle with them...


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## skerzoid

wronged

I would bet that her timeline would mostly be about your wrongful actions that forced her to take a lover.

1. *You will never forget* that you were the second string here. Her Plan B if Plan A didn't work out.

2. * You will never see your in-laws as "Mom & Dad" again.*

3. *Have her served.* Nothing wakes up an unrepentant spouse like divorce papers. The **** gets real then. You can halt the proceedings at your will.

4. *Require a real timeline of the affair to be checked against a polygraph.*

5. *Require a No-Contact letter written by her and edited by you. * Allow no sentimentality.

6. *Do not allow her to have sex with you till this ends.* It will be viewed by a judge as "Forgiveness".

7. *Get checked for STDs and DEMAND that she do the same.*

8. * If you do not get divorced, get a post-nuptial agreement.*

9. *Show strength, courage, and decisive action.* Let your kids see how a Man handles disrespect and adversity.


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## Decorum

Wronged said:


> My pastor did point out that while she hid the technology parts so well, she couldn't hide her conscience. That is why she grew distant and there were red flags because she is redeemable from his perspective. He says the ones to watch out for are the ones who can act like there is nothing wrong at all. A lie my wife couldn't commit to in her daily life. I like the guy but this is just a bit too much for me.


Wronged, I agree with you.
I have no doubt that your pastor is a dear man and a faithful brother, but infidelity is unlike any other problem in a marriage.

It cannot be fixed by more communication, more commitment, or sympathy because those happen in the context of a relationship. 

Infidelity strikes at the heart of the relationship, it is disloyalty at the most fundamental level.

This is why the things you do to improve a relationship, the effort you would try to put in only makes it worse, it drives her away, and makes you look weak, desperate, and pathetic. 

This is something we see here all the time.

In this case the standard teaching of love and forgiveness only serves to make her lose respect for you.

It takes specialized training to deal with infidelity, and it's easy to assume your standard answers are adequate, but they are not.

Her guilt may make her redeemable "by the Blood of Jesus", but that will not make her a loyal faithful wife.

If you look around with open eyes at the other people you really know, it is clear just how damaging this actually is. 

Cheating changes you. It changes the cheater, and it change the betrayed. On the most fundamental, and personal level.

Imagine the level of disloyalty, and dishonesty, and disregard for your feelings/wellbeing she has engaged in all these months to get to this point.

It is hard to imagine you could ever feel the same about her. That you could ever find that level of trust and respect for her again.

Don't be pressured to act against your best judgment.


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## TRy

Wronged said:


> But they think I caused the problem by checking everything.


Time to turn the tables on her parents. 

Tell them that you have been surprised and disappointed in their response to your wife's affair. The fact that they feel that you talking about her cheating is even remotely close to being as bad as her cheating is outrageous. The fact they think that you "caused the problem by checking" on your cheating wife when your gut correctly told you that there was another man in your wife's life is even worse. Tell them that you would have had trouble enough giving your wife a second chance if you felt that her parents were truly supporting the marriage by holding her to account for her cheating, but given that they have now exposed themselves to you as lacking any real compassion for you or moral integrity when it comes to their daughter's cheating, you are now less likely to feel comfortable staying in the marriage knowing that her parents are such a willing cheating support network. Finally, tell them that since they have now let you know that they don't really consider you family, you will act accordingly going forward and discount what they say. Say it and mean it. If they try to flip it back on you, just tell them that this is exactly what you were talking about, and that such comments by them are not helpful if they really want you to even consider giving the marriage another chance. End the conversation as quickly as possible after that.


----------



## Satisfied Mind

Wronged said:


> My pastor did point out that while she hid the technology parts so well, she couldn't hide her conscience. That is why she grew distant and there were red flags because she is redeemable from his perspective. He says the ones to watch out for are the ones who can act like there is nothing wrong at all. A lie my wife couldn't commit to in her daily life. I like the guy but this is just a bit too much for me. She obviously knew how to hide her tracks very well. I looked hard and looked more than once and found nothing.


As a Christian myself, I'm sure your pastor's heart is in the right place, but if she's so redeemable, why did she behave as she did once caught and confronted?



Wronged said:


> I do think I will try reaching out to her boyfriend's wife to see if she has any details she can share. She and I exchanged cell numbers when I spoke to her, but I have not heard a peep from her since. Maybe she has found something I don't know that I could use to fact check my wife's story... if she ever gives me something that might be true. I wish I didn't care at all about knowing the details.


This is a must! Any ability you have to independently verify and call your wife out on her lies (and given her behavior so far, there will be lies) will be extremely useful leverage in getting closer to the truth. At some point, however, you'll likely have to acknowledge that any further questioning and investigation isn't worth it and won't change the ultimate outcome.

I hope you get the information you need from the meeting with your wife this evening, and I'm sorry you're having to go through that kick-in-the-nuts.


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## turnera

Damn! We should have warned him about her trying to have sex with him.


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## The Middleman

Wronged said:


> I don't think I can get past this even if it were "just" the one time. I lived thru 6-months of hell with her and the past few have sucked as well. I just want to move on with a divorce, but would like to know how much of an idiot I have been.


It’s good to see that you are still thinking straight, and you haven’t let the outside pressures cloud your judgment. Divorcing her will show her that you are no doormat. If she means everything she says, she can pursue you after the divorce, on even ground with the competition.


----------



## The Middleman

turnera said:


> Damn! We should have warned him about her trying to have sex with him.


Well ... if it happens, he should consider it ‘one for the road.’


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## SnowToArmPits

Wronged said:


> she got caught having sex in his car in a parking garage


Classy. No kidding her parents were ashamed when you shone a light on their daughter's behaviour. 



Wronged said:


> one other issue her parents had with me was that I spied on my wife. They said I should have spoken to her and could have prevented all this and that my paranoia drove her away.


WTF? Do you have superpowers, can you read your wife's mind? This is delusional thinking by her parents, you're correct to ignore it.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

To your Pastor. Where was god when she was with him? Take a break from this pastor.


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## sunsetmist

Just so you know, I tried talking to my pastor asking for help with my marital situation (he and his wife were also good friends). After I explained the abuse, lying, mental instability, dishonesty, etc., he said, "But that can't be true, because he--my now-ex--holds many high offices in the church--is very active." 

You can bet I didn't try to talk to this pastor again. Later, when my ex did something very openly horrific with many church folks involved, pastor called me to come to his office to discuss it. We did--just pastor and I. He expected me to be hysterical, but this was just behavior I had been living with for years. Ex was still protected by the church. Candidly, this situation was beyond the capabilities and training of clergy. Intentions are good, but actuality leaves lots to be desired.


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## Kamstel

Wronged, just checking in on you. 

How are you doing? 

How did the meeting go?


Hang in there. I promise it will eventually get better.

Stay Strong and keep moving straight ahead!!0


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## Marc878

If nothing else works she'll probably try and put in a vagina coma.

Better watch out here man


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## Tatsuhiko

I would lay out some very harsh terms she has to meet for you to consider taking her back. Specifically, she should give you a divorce with very favorable terms that protect your assets. If she insists on staying married to you, remind her that she did not place any value on marriage in the first place, so any continuation of that marriage would be just as meaningless as it was originally. She should sign an agreement that protects your assets and retirement accounts from her. She should have her parents apologize to you, in writing, accepting their role in enabling her behavior and condoning it. She should agree to limit contact with her parents going forward, as they are a bad influence on her, and you should never be expected to attend any family function. 

From that point onward, you can decide if you'd still like to live together, coparent the children, and possibly resume romantic relations as two unmarried people. 

I think advice from your pastor is almost worthless. His goal is to save the marriage at all costs, even if the marriage is only on paper.


----------



## Decorum

turnera said:


> Damn! We should have warned him about her trying to have sex with him.


Wronged, in some places having sex with your wife after knowledge of her infidelity is legal acceptance, and removes the case for an at fault divorce. 

Plus it is not uncommon for someone in her situation to try and soften you up with with sex when she comes over.


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## oldshirt

a few clergy here and there have western, secular degrees in marriage and family counseling. 

The vast vast majority however do not. The theological perspective infidelity is that it is a moral and spiritual challenge for the WS and that the WS needs spiritual guidance, prayer and support so that they can obtain redemption. 

The other theological point of reference is that marriage and family is the function unit of the church and that the concept of marriage and marital bond must be maintained at almost all cost. 

That may sound find and dandy but the problem is that the BS is often the sacrificial lamb who's blood is spilled on the alter. The less wordy version of that is the church doesn't give a crap about the pain and suffering and abuse and manipulation of the BS. The church doesn't give a crap about the abuse and suffering and destruction of the BS or the family. The church cares about the spiritual redemption of the WS and keeping the couple from divorcing because divorced people are more likely to leave the church (probably because of how poorly they were treated and how the clergy and church contributed to their abuse and suffering and ended up judging THEM for their WS's bad behavior) 

IMHO most churches and clergy are the last place that a BS should seek assistance and support in the face of a recalcitrant cheating spouse. The homeless, drunken bum living in a cardboard box under a bridge probably knows a lot more about how the real world works than many clergy.


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## Yeswecan

Pastors and marriage counselors for the moment are not worth the effort. You see, your WW has no remorse. She is only sorry she got caught. In short, her head is not in the marriage and has not been for 6 months. She is supported by her parents who probably got a flowery story of what a sh!t you have been. In the meantime, your WW boyfriend dumped her. You as plan B in the wings are now being groomed into accepting and forgiving the small mistake in the back seat of a car. How does screw that sound? 

Continue on with the D. You deserve better. And believe me....better is out there. 

We are here for you. Keep on posting.


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## oldshirt

Yeswecan said:


> Pastors and marriage counselors for the moment are not worth the effort. You see, your WW has no remorse. She is only sorry she got caught. In short, her head is not in the marriage .


I agree. 

Even actual western, secular MC can not make a bad person good. It can not change a person's character or moral compass. 

And it can not make someone who has the hots for an AP fall back in love with a BS. 

What MC does is open channels of communication so that people are able to express their wants needs and boundaries in a moderated venue. 

It does not "make" people behave in an appropriate manner and it does not swap out bad or inappropriate feelings and desires for good ones. 

At this point all MC would be is a whipping stick that she would use to tell you why you suck and that you didn't do dishes enough and that is why she had to bang other dudes in cars. - dishes that aren't washed in time or loaded into the dishwasher wrong will cause that y'know.


----------



## GusPolinski

Wronged said:


> Hello, I'm new to the forum. I have been reading here for a few months, but thought I had things sorted. I don't I guess.
> 
> Bottom line.
> Wife and I are both 36 married 9 years. 2 kids preschool and first grade.
> Marriage was good until this past summer. After 6 months of trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to do more at home, woo my wife, ask for counseling together, etc. She's involved with another man from work and hid it like a pro.
> I was starting to think I was crazy until the truth finally came out.
> 
> I blabbed to most everyone we knew, she went ballistic saying it was no one's business and I was an *******. This was just after Christmas but before New years day.
> 
> She did go stay with her parents and they sided hard with her. I pushed her into the arms of another man.
> 
> By the end of Jan she wanted to talk, it was a one-time thing I just happened to catch the first time. My response was not kind and her family said that proved I was an ******* just looking for an excuse to divorce her.
> 
> This weekend she calls and says she wants to move back home and try counseling to save our family. I already have a lawyer and was content to move forward with divorce but am getting pressure to try. I asked her for a timeline of the affair and said come home when you finish that. It's now Monday evening and I have no time line and she's still at her parents house. She has texted me saying she's so sorry loves me etc. But still no timeline that I asked for. I don't understand the change if she is not serious. I also do not think I can swallow the crap sandwich she wants to force feed me anyway.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> On the fly
> 
> I think so. I told his wife. This was not his first affair. They moved here for a new start to get away from his previous affair. His wife got pissed and packed the kids up and moved back. He put in his notice and followed her from what I am told. Not sure if that is really true as I have been lied to constantly for months.


Tell her to a) **** off and b) stay gone.


----------



## Satisfied Mind

Wronged, you doing okay? How did things go yesterday?


----------



## GusPolinski

Wronged said:


> Oldshirt, I can't figure out how to reply like you did so am trying my best to answer.
> 
> Her parents called me an ******* because I blabbed and told people. Before the affair blew up I was treated very well the son they always wanted. When I exposed everything I was told that should have been kept private between me and my wife and I was just trying to be hurtful and shame her and her family. I said sex should have stayed between a husband and wife and I wasn't the one to bring another person into the marriage. Also, she got caught having sex in his car in a parking garage. How private is that supposed to be when done in the middle of the day.
> Her parents are pressuring me for the sake of the kids. My parnets also think I should give it a try for the kids as does my pastor. My sister says f-that get rid of her.


Tell her parents to **** off as well.


----------



## GusPolinski

Wronged said:


> Oldshirt, *one other issue her parents had with me was that I spied on my wife. They said I should have spoken to her and could have prevented all this and that my paranoia drove her away.*
> 
> But I tried speaking to her. She said she was working, a mom, had a house, was tired etc. I tried helping more around the house, made time for dates and family events and a weekend trip away. I knew something wasn't right but did not know or even suspect an affair at first. The more I tried the more distant she became and it was evident that she didn't even want to be around me. That is when I started looking and it was very difficult to find the affair.
> 
> I admit to being a bit over the top once I started looking but I kept not finding anything and our marriage kept getting worse not better. I was at my wits end when I had her watched/followed. 5-hours of that and she was caught. I should have done that part sooner.


Ha!

“How dare you see through a liar’s lies and work to uncover the truth?”

Nothing but a bunch of enabling bull****.

Tell them to **** off TWICE.


----------



## Taxman

You will never convince her parents that you were justified in exposing. Their baby has to wear a scarlet A on her chest. I have had the parents of a cheating W force their way into a meeting. They wanted the entire action halted as it was an embarrassment to the family. My client wanted a divorce. The parents wanted him chained to their child for appearances. What they were not prepared to hear, was part of our evidence package. There was both photographic and video evidence. (still do not understand people doing this, but) My client stated that if they were to continue this, their good name would be ruined, as he would send to every friend, relative and business associate copies of the pictures and videos. I watched FIL's face go white, and he turns to his daughter. "Did you allow this to happen, like a common streetwalker?" She was not in good shape, and I do not think that she told her parents the entire story. We were stone faced, watching these three try to worm their way out of this. Finally, FIL turns to his son in law, and asks, "What do you want?" We laid out an extremely beneficial package to our client. Alimony, funds for relocation, funds for silence, payment of all legal and professional fees, ongoing psychologists fees. Significant money. He was now paying for our silence. (my fee went up fairly high, and the lawyer could afford a spectacular vacation on what we made). They divorced. Her father now runs her life, and she is NOT a happy camper. She is actually a client of a colleague, and he has said that now she just wants her ex and her parents to go away.

A big PS here my friend: Her parents do not want any further exposure. You are in the catbird seat at this point and can dictate terms. In fact, if your wife does not want to play ball, you can hamstring her using your justified indignation as a weapon. If you want out, or you want the timeline, or you want favorable terms then keep exposing. The truth gets under everyone's skin. If I were you, I'd tell the pastor to get fornicated. I would tell father in law, that if he does not leave you alone, you will expose to more people. Their family name will be fecal matter. There will not be one place in town where he can show his face and not be the object of derision. I have seen first hand how exposure works on the provincially minded. In one case, the entire family uprooted, and moved to a small town where nobody knew them. They hated it, but it was all they could do to keep their names from being dragged through the mud.


----------



## Wronged

I'm here, many thanks to all who have responded. Last night was long.

A question or two.

What is a vagina coma? I can't figure that one out.

Would the books be for me to read or her or both? Is it bad that I don't feel like putting any work into it?

She was later than I expected but showed. She had a timeline. It is 31 pages long and I somehow had questions when I was done.

The first 19-pages really don't count. That is a butterfly and rainbow version of how fantastic together were are and have been going back to when we met and she knew right away that I was the one. I guess the rainbow must have killed the butterflies. Fortunately, she had a lot of photos so it wasn't a wall of solid text.

As for the affair, you'll be surprised to know that she was preyed upon by a master manipulator and expert predator. She never saw it coming and can't believe it happened. However, she has learned from it and is certain it would never happen again.

She started boning him when she cut me off. She couldn't have sex with 2 guys at the same time so somehow she picked him. He got to bang my wife, his wife and whoever else I guess. I got nothing.

She said it started slow talking about problems with his kids, then his wife and complimenting my wife and saying how lucky I was. Before she knew what happened she was in over her head. Apparently he stayed in his miserable marriage with his awful wife for his kids sake cause he's such a great guy. He told her about his previous affair and how it can help some situations. Apparently, what a BS doesn't know, wont hurt them, and may actually help in some ways. 

He coached her on how to not get caught. They never used their personal cell phones. He told her to leave it available for me to look thru at any time because it is the first place that gets checked. He taught her to use iphone's find friends to keep an eye on where I was to make sure it was safe to head to the parking garage. She would eat her lunch at her desk while working and leave for "lunch". They got in his car because she found the GPS device I plugged in her OBD port and he knew what it was. So her car was never anywhere it shouldn't be. He said it was a good thing because I would see she never left work. She carries a work cell phone as well. She would leave her personal cell at her desk when she went to the garage so it looked like she was there as well and forwarded her phone calls to her work cell in case I called. She also got a credit card in her name with her work address that she was buying most of her new clothes with. She always said she was getting cheap discount crap, not true. She has a little under 4K on a credit card balance I didn't know about. She used her work email 1 time to send him a photo with some sexting and then he showed her how to use instant messages since it is apparently not saved anywhere and they would sit at their desks sending IMs looking like they were working.

He never thought I would have her watched at work. She said he was pissed out of his mind and blamed her for getting them caught that she must have screwed up and left a trail. As if cutting off sex, dropping some weight and buying all new clothes that were more in line with a 20 year old wasn't enough of a hint. She said he was furious with me for telling his wife and spoke of suing me for harassment and having me arrested for a violation of privacy.

His wife did pack her stuff and take the kids and left to go back to where they were from. He called his old employer and they had an opening. He left without a 2-week notice packed up the rest of his stuff and she hasn't seen him since. 

He did send her a letter demanding no contact from her for any reason ever. He sent it to her office signature required. She showed me the letter, he threatens to file a sexual harassment claim against her if his demands are not met. He included a copy of the email she sent from her work computer and email to his and he states that he has 2 witnesses to back him up and he was forced to leave suddenly due to her stalking and relentless harassment. 

I did send a text to his wife's cell before she showed up last night. I did not get a response. I do not believe he will file anything with her employer but am not concerned if he does. She's worried as hell though and said she has been looking for another job because she's afraid she'll get fired.

She swears this is the only other person since she met me that she ever did anything with. 

She told her parents the truth the day before she came to see me. Her mother advised strongly against telling me the truth. She's worried I'll get everything in the divorce. We're not loaded by any means. A house to sell some minor bank account stuff to settle. She said her dad went nuts and was yelling an screaming at her and he eventually got into it with her mother because her mother is sticking up for her and wants her dad to as well.

There was a bunch of other stuff but I think that is the most of it.

I did ask to see the credit card statements. Not sure why, I'd just like to see what she spent and where since I figure to be on the hook for half with a divorce.

I told her I had a consult with an attorney and was planning to divorce her. She cried, begged pleaded and suggested counseling with the pastor- yep she talked to him to. Also suggested speaking to my parents, she apologized to them and knows their stance as well. I declined. 

She asked if there was any way we could stay together thru the divorce because it is her house also but shes trying not to push too hard. I didn't answer that.

Her mother did have her get STD tests in Jan. She said her mom would never apologize to me, not in a million years. I asked what I did to deserve that and she said I embarrassed her mother when I let the secret out. F-her! Her daughter embarrassed all of us, not me. 

I asked if the dress she was wearing was bought to impress her boyfriend. It barely covered from her boobs to her butt and looked like it was painted on. She shook her head yes. I told her I couldn't stand to look at her in it and asked her to leave.

She took it off in the kitchen and threw it in the trash can. 

She spent the night. She's due here again in a bit. Not much else to say now except my head is spinning. Months of no answers then a massive information dump. 

Yes, I am planning to divorce because I can never trust her again. I don't want to have her followed everywhere every time I can't be there.


----------



## SnowToArmPits

Wronged said:


> What is a vagina coma? I can't figure that one out.


Folks here wanted you to be aware a WS will sometimes lovebomb the BS into taking them back.

Your MIL sounds like a real sweetheart. 

You've done about as well as you could. I don't know if congrats is quite the right thing to say, but congrats on hanging tough and having your wife come clean. Not easy but you did it.


----------



## TDSC60

You are obviously her Plan B or C or D. The one she tries to return to after the sun shines it's light on the affair and the rainbow fades and the unicorns run off.

You are the back-up plan. She walked away from you and your children and your bed in favor of the POSOM. 

Now decide what you want. Sounds like you already have and I do not blame you one bit. You are too young to be tied to a cheater for the rest of your life and whatever else she is, she will always be the one who betrayed, deceived, manipulated, and, with great relish and enthusiasm, threw you and your little family in the trash.

I absolutely can not get over the fact that she wore a sexy outfit purchased for POSOM. She thought you would take one look then drag her to bed and forget all about what she did. Batsh*t crazy.


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## re16

Some states greatly change alimony requirements at 10 years of marriage.

You are at nine. Get moving soon on this so you don't get nailed if this applies to you.

Maybe dangle the carrot of potential reconciliation based on how she goes through the divorce, if she is fair and owns up to causing the damage and takes the short end of every stick, maybe she has a chance in the future, but it would have to be a new marriage for it to work...

I'm not recommending actually re-marrying - just use that tactic as leverage for a better divorce if she does want to reconcile.


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## giddiot

GusPolinski said:


> Tell her to a) **** off and b) stay gone.




Amen


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera

There was a poster here whose wife cheated, he got her an apartment for a one-year lease nearby. She stayed there the whole year, did nothing but work and take care of the kids. At the end of the year, he had worked through his emotions and was willing to consider dating her again but nothing more. She was grateful for that chance. That's what real remorse looks like.


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## Diana7

So basically, she blames him entirely because he is an 'expert predator', and he is blaming her, no doubt telling his poor wife that your wife did all the running and wouldn't leave him alone. He is also blaming you for telling his wife, what an awful man. Neither taking any responsibility for what they did. 


I think it would be a very bad idea for her to stay there during the divorce. I know couples who tried that and it never works. I suspect that she is hoping that if she is there she can get round you and stop the divorce. I suspect that she is also hoping that the pastor will try and persuade you to stay, but adultery is very serious and Biblically you are allowed to end the marriage. 

Sad that her mother is acting so badly, she does owe you an apology.


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## Kamstel

I strongly suggest you start the divorce process as soon as possible. 

As someone previously mentioned, in many states, the 10th anniversary is very important. In California, for instance, if you reach your 10th anniversary, alimony becomes “permanent”. You don’t want to be paying your cheating ex-wife alimoney in 40 years!!!

Do you have an appointment with an attorney yet? If not, make an appointment to see on THIS WEEK!!!



As for her mother.... to hell with her!!!! The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree now does it!!!

Keep moving forward and stay strong!

You have already made the most difficult decision (to divorce), and while there will still be bad days ahead, you are now heading in the right direction!!!!


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## Decorum

It sounds like she would do anything he said regardless of how deep the betrayal or devastating the damage to you. 

It is disturbing how she tried to lure you in with that little red dress. This is the person she had become for the other man.

Like I said before. Cheating changes you.


----------



## Kamstel

Not that it matters, but why did her mother have her get tested for STDs in January if Mommy-Dearest didn’t already know the truth?



Have the kids been living with you since she moved out?



Don’t allow yourself to get overwhelmed by everything.  Hire a lawyer and they will walk you through everything, step by step


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## OutofRetirement

She's only with you begging because the other man dropped your wife. If he had said, "great, I'm divorcing, you can divorce, we'll be together" then your wife would be divorcing you right now. You can take that to the bank.


----------



## Wronged

Well, she's still here. She brought some stuff and made dinner. The kids are with their grandparents now.

She wants to tidy a few things up in the house. That seems to have required slipping out of her work clothes and putting on one of my old shirts.

She answered a bunch more questions.
The dress she showed up in yesterday she did not wear to work. That's why she was late. She stopped and changed.
She's agreed to a polygraph if I want one. 
I think she's being truthful now but who knows.
She did not know about the VAR, never found that.
They did not always use condoms. WTF
He didn't get to do what I never got to do.
It was her idea to go to the parking garage. I suspected that since he wasn't from here. She said it started as a private place to talk about his problems without people at the office thinking something was going on. 

I like the apartment idea, but her parents only live a few miles away and that is an option I'd like to see continue as it seems to be eating at her mother. I know that sounds petty I just can't make myself care about it.

I certainly don't feel like I deserve any congratulations. She played me for a complete fool for the better part of a year and if I wouldn't have caught her with my last ditch effort I would have likely apologized for spying on her. This has been the most humiliating experience of my life. If lover boy would have asked her, she would have split with him I think. She's left with me and trying to salvage something that is dead. 


I feel like she's leveraging 5-months of sexual neglect, but I can't seem to muster enough anger/strentgh yet to say no.

I have asked her to not move back in yet since we are just starting to talk again. I plan to ask my lawyer what my options are. Her name is on the house and we are still married so I think I'm hosed if she really wants back in.

I'll check back tomorrow.


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## Lostinthought61

I would ask the om wife and see if you can exchange timelines.


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## OutofRetirement

That said, your wife's timeline and how it started seems correct in the sense that if you read a lot about infidelity, that's how it happens in the type of affair your wife was involved in. However, the other man's assertions also are very likely true. What happens is, these players are pretty good at getting an emotional connection first, then diving in for the sex, which is all they care about. Meanwhile, your wife, is all in, heart and mind, and would do anything for him. Very likely your wife was stalking him. She lost weight for him, she got all sexy painted-on clothes to make him want her, and she almost definitely chased him incessantly. What he wanted was to hit it and move on until tomorrow, what she wanted was to talk about how much he loved her and how much he thought she was sexy.

Typically what I see is the guy did all the attention towards your wife to get sex, your wife gave up sex to get the attention. That was the tradeoff. At the end, it was easy for the guy to walk away, because he can get sex from his wife or any other number of dupes like your wife.

It sure took a long time for your wife to come begging after you caught her. Why? Could it be that she still was enamored of the other man and was hoping he'd come back for her?


----------



## OutofRetirement

I wouldn't believe she would tell him "no" to any activity, whether she had done it with you or not, even if she adamantly refused to do it with you. That's what I would poly if that's the way you're going to go. She would have done anything for him. That's how the dynamic works in that type of affair.

One of my pet peeves about affairs is the cheater loses weight and looks their best and will continue to do so if she is working to snag you again. Everything will be on the table. But as soon as you agree to reconcile, no more sexy clothes, weight goes back on. And what peeves me is not the appearance, but the effort. The fact that another person was worth the effort, day in and day out, would do anything, stayed in touch constantly - but the betrayed is not worth the effort.

If you do reconcile, I would tell her that you expect more effort for you than she ever gave to the other man (which is impossible, really).


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## Wronged

Kamstel, I have an appointment with the lawyer I want to use. 
The kids have been splitting time with her and me a week here a week with her at her parents. That was the only way she'd agree to stay out of the house. I think the kids might also be driving her parents a bit nuts. 
I didn't catch the STD timing. I'm going to dig into that and see if this is a lie in her story. Thanks!


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## Kamstel

Don’t feel bad about “being played” by her. She was able to do it because it never crossed your mind that the woman you loved could ever do that to you. You loved her and you assumed she loved you, so you therefor either missed or made up excuses for any ref flags. But the sad fact is, that the woman you loved, May have just been in your mind. The woman you finally see now certainly wasn’t the woman you loved.


Also, don’t worry about using her physically. You have been starving for 5+ months. 

Just make sure you use a condom!!! 

You don’t want to catch anything from her 


———AND MORE IMPORTANTLY——

You don’t want her to have the opportunity to get pregnant and attempt to trap you into this farce of a marriage!!!! 



Stay strong and keep moving forward, and hire an attorney ASAP!!!


----------



## Kamstel

Why bother to continue to dig? 
You know she cheated
You know you will never be able to trust her again.

Just move forward with the divorce.


----------



## Marc878

Wronged said:


> *As for the affair, you'll be surprised to know that she was preyed upon by a master manipulator and expert predator. She never saw it coming and can't believe it happened. However, she has learned from it and is certain it would never happen again*.
> 
> Total bull****. She's a grown woman. She made an indecent decision to consciously have an affair. Her lover boy was only taking what she was freely giving him. She's just trying to minimize her role which was the main one in this fiasco. If she had any boundaries this wouldn't have happened. It took her willingness which was key and the main part in this.
> 
> She started boning him when she cut me off. She couldn't have sex with 2 guys at the same time so somehow she picked him. He got to bang my wife, his wife and whoever else I guess. I got nothing.
> 
> Typical cheater act. Didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend. You didn't matter. "It was only once" as you knew was just another lie to cover her ass and downplay her actions.
> 
> She said it started slow talking about problems with his kids, then his wife and complimenting my wife and saying how lucky I was. Before she knew what happened she was in over her head. Apparently he stayed in his miserable marriage with his awful wife for his kids sake cause he's such a great guy. He told her about his previous affair and how it can help some situations. Apparently, what a BS doesn't know, wont hurt them, and may actually help in some ways.
> 
> She had an EA that turned into a sexual affair. Typical. No boundaries
> 
> He coached her on how to not get caught. They never used their personal cell phones. He told her to leave it available for me to look thru at any time because it is the first place that gets checked. He taught her to use iphone's find friends to keep an eye on where I was to make sure it was safe to head to the parking garage. She would eat her lunch at her desk while working and leave for "lunch". They got in his car because she found the GPS device I plugged in her OBD port and he knew what it was. So her car was never anywhere it shouldn't be. He said it was a good thing because I would see she never left work. She carries a work cell phone as well. She would leave her personal cell at her desk when she went to the garage so it looked like she was there as well and forwarded her phone calls to her work cell in case I called. She also got a credit card in her name with her work address that she was buying most of her new clothes with. She always said she was getting cheap discount crap, not true. She has a little under 4K on a credit card balance I didn't know about. She used her work email 1 time to send him a photo with some sexting and then he showed her how to use instant messages since it is apparently not saved anywhere and they would sit at their desks sending IMs looking like they were working.
> 
> This tells you she knew what she was doing and went along with anything he wanted. Yet it was all his fault. Bull****
> 
> He never thought I would have her watched at work. She said he was pissed out of his mind and blamed her for getting them caught that she must have screwed up and left a trail. As if cutting off sex, dropping some weight and buying all new clothes that were more in line with a 20 year old wasn't enough of a hint. She said he was furious with me for telling his wife and spoke of suing me for harassment and having me arrested for a violation of privacy.
> 
> Bull**** trying to cover his ass
> 
> She told her parents the truth the day before she came to see me. Her mother advised strongly against telling me the truth. She's worried I'll get everything in the divorce. We're not loaded by any means. A house to sell some minor bank account stuff to settle. She said her dad went nuts and was yelling an screaming at her and he eventually got into it with her mother because her mother is sticking up for her and wants her dad to as well.
> 
> Low class people. You're better off out of this situation and their family
> 
> I told her I had a consult with an attorney and was planning to divorce her. She cried, begged pleaded and suggested counseling with the pastor- yep she talked to him to. Also suggested speaking to my parents, she apologized to them and knows their stance as well. I declined.
> 
> Regrets at getting caught and the consequences for her. Nothing more
> 
> She asked if there was any way we could stay together thru the divorce because it is her house also but shes trying not to push too hard. I didn't answer that.
> 
> She will use sex yo try and get you back. ***** coma time so beware
> 
> Her mother did have her get STD tests in Jan. She said her mom would never apologize to me, not in a million years. I asked what I did to deserve that and she said I embarrassed her mother when I let the secret out. F-her! Her daughter embarrassed all of us, not me.
> 
> How classy. Like mother like daughter. Your wife confessed because you had proof and her lies weren't working anymore
> 
> She took it off in the kitchen and threw it in the trash can.
> 
> Pretty stupid to wear it in the first place. Doesn't say much for her does it?
> 
> She spent the night. She's due here again in a bit. Not much else to say now except my head is spinning. Months of no answers then a massive information dump.
> 
> Yes, I am planning to divorce because I can never trust her again. I don't want to have her followed everywhere every time I can't be there.


Sorry man but your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special about her at all. It took a lot of time and planning to have her affair. She knew exactly what she was doing.

You take this back you'll deeply regret it later on. Not to mention her crappy family


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## Marc878

Wronged said:


> Well, she's still here. She brought some stuff and made dinner. The kids are with their grandparents now.
> 
> She wants to tidy a few things up in the house. That seems to have required slipping out of her work clothes and putting on one of my old shirts.
> 
> ***** coma will be attempted bud
> 
> She answered a bunch more questions.
> The dress she showed up in yesterday she did not wear to work. That's why she was late. She stopped and changed.
> She's agreed to a polygraph if I want one.
> I think she's being truthful now but who knows.
> She did not know about the VAR, never found that.
> They did not always use condoms. WTF
> 
> They never do man. Typical
> 
> He didn't get to do what I never got to do.
> 
> According to her but cheaters lie a lot so I'd bet it was whatever OM wanted. It suits her agenda not to tell you
> 
> It was her idea to go to the parking garage. I suspected that since he wasn't from here. She said it started as a private place to talk about his problems without people at the office thinking something was going on.
> 
> Yet he was the manipulator? She was more than willing
> 
> I like the apartment idea, but her parents only live a few miles away and that is an option I'd like to see continue as it seems to be eating at her mother. I know that sounds petty I just can't make myself care about it.
> 
> I certainly don't feel like I deserve any congratulations. She played me for a complete fool for the better part of a year and if I wouldn't have caught her with my last ditch effort I would have likely apologized for spying on her. This has been the most humiliating experience of my life. If lover boy would have asked her, she would have split with him I think. She's left with me and trying to salvage something that is dead.
> 
> Probably but you are her only option now so.
> 
> I feel like she's leveraging 5-months of sexual neglect, but I can't seem to muster enough anger/strentgh yet to say no.
> 
> I have asked her to not move back in yet since we are just starting to talk again. I plan to ask my lawyer what my options are. Her name is on the house and we are still married so I think I'm hosed if she really wants back in.
> 
> I'll check back tomorrow.


No or limited contact is your only good path. Better wake up to that fact


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## SnowToArmPits

Wronged said:


> She played me for a complete fool for the better part of a year and if I wouldn't have caught her with my last ditch effort I would have likely apologized for spying on her.


She was able to play you for a fool because you're a stand up guy, and she's a selfish liar and a cheater. Good people get clobbered by nasty people sometimes, you'll be more alert and more experienced going forward.

You're being really hard on yourself, that's human nature, but you should give yourself a break.


Wronged said:


> if I wouldn't have caught her with my last ditch effort I would have likely apologized for spying on her.


Ya well you did catch her, the good guy won this round. If you wouldn't have caught her this time, you probably would have in the future. I'd bet your marriage would imploded anyway with your wife's behaviour.



Wronged said:


> If lover boy would have asked her, she would have split with him I think.


Long run he might have been doing you a big favour. No man likes to be bested by another, but if you think on it would the OM really have won the prize here, or would you have? Factor in the MIL being part of the prize package.

May not seem like it, but you've come out of this pretty strong and for sure clear-eyed. Lots of BS flounder about for years in limbo with their spouses screwing around on them.


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## [email protected]

Wronged, are you doing the 180?


----------



## Imajerk17

Wronged said:


> *As for the affair, you'll be surprised to know that she was preyed upon by a master manipulator and expert predator. She never saw it coming and can't believe it happened. However, she has learned from it and is certain it would never happen again.
> 
> She started boning him when she cut me off. She couldn't have sex with 2 guys at the same time so somehow she picked him. He got to bang my wife, his wife and whoever else I guess. I got nothing.
> *
> She said it started slow talking about problems with his kids, then his wife and complimenting my wife and saying how lucky I was. Before she knew what happened she was in over her head. Apparently he stayed in his miserable marriage with his awful wife for his kids sake cause he's such a great guy. He told her about his previous affair and how it can help some situations. Apparently, what a BS doesn't know, wont hurt them, and may actually help in some ways.
> 
> He coached her on how to not get caught. They never used their personal cell phones. He told her to leave it available for me to look thru at any time because it is the first place that gets checked. He taught her to use iphone's find friends to keep an eye on where I was to make sure it was safe to head to the parking garage. She would eat her lunch at her desk while working and leave for "lunch". They got in his car because she found the GPS device I plugged in her OBD port and he knew what it was. So her car was never anywhere it shouldn't be. He said it was a good thing because I would see she never left work. She carries a work cell phone as well. She would leave her personal cell at her desk when she went to the garage so it looked like she was there as well and forwarded her phone calls to her work cell in case I called. She also got a credit card in her name with her work address that she was buying most of her new clothes with. She always said she was getting cheap discount crap, not true. She has a little under 4K on a credit card balance I didn't know about. She used her work email 1 time to send him a photo with some sexting and then he showed her how to use instant messages since it is apparently not saved anywhere and they would sit at their desks sending IMs looking like they were working.
> 
> He never thought I would have her watched at work. She said he was pissed out of his mind and blamed her for getting them caught that she must have screwed up and left a trail. As if cutting off sex, dropping some weight and buying all new clothes that were more in line with a 20 year old wasn't enough of a hint. She said he was furious with me for telling his wife and spoke of suing me for harassment and having me arrested for a violation of privacy.
> 
> His wife did pack her stuff and take the kids and left to go back to where they were from. He called his old employer and they had an opening. He left without a 2-week notice packed up the rest of his stuff and she hasn't seen him since.
> 
> He did send her a letter demanding no contact from her for any reason ever. He sent it to her office signature required. She showed me the letter, he threatens to file a sexual harassment claim against her if his demands are not met. He included a copy of the email she sent from her work computer and email to his and he states that he has 2 witnesses to back him up and he was forced to leave suddenly due to her stalking and relentless harassment.
> 
> I did send a text to his wife's cell before she showed up last night. I did not get a response. I do not believe he will file anything with her employer but am not concerned if he does. She's worried as hell though and said she has been looking for another job because she's afraid she'll get fired.
> 
> She swears this is the only other person since she met me that she ever did anything with.
> 
> *She told her parents the truth the day before she came to see me. Her mother advised strongly against telling me the truth. She's worried I'll get everything in the divorce. We're not loaded by any means. A house to sell some minor bank account stuff to settle. She said her dad went nuts and was yelling an screaming at her and he eventually got into it with her mother because her mother is sticking up for her and wants her dad to as well.*
> 
> There was a bunch of other stuff but I think that is the most of it.
> 
> I did ask to see the credit card statements. Not sure why, I'd just like to see what she spent and where since I figure to be on the hook for half with a divorce.
> 
> I told her I had a consult with an attorney and was planning to divorce her. She cried, begged pleaded and suggested counseling with the pastor- yep she talked to him to. Also suggested speaking to my parents, she apologized to them and knows their stance as well. I declined.
> 
> She asked if there was any way we could stay together thru the divorce because it is her house also but shes trying not to push too hard. I didn't answer that.
> 
> Her mother did have her get STD tests in Jan. She said her mom would never apologize to me, not in a million years. I asked what I did to deserve that and she said I embarrassed her mother when I let the secret out. F-her! Her daughter embarrassed all of us, not me.
> 
> I asked if the dress she was wearing was bought to impress her boyfriend. It barely covered from her boobs to her butt and looked like it was painted on. She shook her head yes. I told her I couldn't stand to look at her in it and asked her to leave.
> 
> She took it off in the kitchen and threw it in the trash can.
> 
> She spent the night. She's due here again in a bit. Not much else to say now except my head is spinning. Months of no answers then a massive information dump.
> 
> Yes, I am planning to divorce because I can never trust her again. I don't want to have her followed everywhere every time I can't be there.


Master manipulator?? What the hell. Your wife is a grown woman. She cheated because she DECIDED to, plain and simple, she needs to get that. She DECIDED to betray you and your family. And if she CAN be so swayed easily by another man to *cut you off and forsake you* for him, then she is too stupid to be your wife.

Do you really want to stay married to someone who came *this* close to leaving you for the town scumbag. Look, your WW is not really remorseful. She got dumped by MM, she knows her prospects as far as marrying again are slim i.e., her scarlet letter, and everything else in her life is going to crap. She is just covering her ass right now. She doesn't care how angry you'd have to feel being your own wife's Plan B for some loser for the past half-year (I'd be beyond livid), or how emasculated YOU'd feel staying with her.

I understand your wanting to have a lot of sex w WW in the meanwhile, take back what was taken from you, but be careful with this, I can see how this will end up weakening your resolve to move forward with divorce. So anyway yeah if it wasn't clear already I agree that you need to Stay The Course with your divorce!


Btw, didn't she tell her parents that she cheated back when you kicked her out, or did she just tell them more recently? It probably doesn't really matter.


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## 3Xnocharm

Poor little victim, duped by that bad man. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Oldtimer

It sounds from your last post that you may be sliding to the R side. Whatever you choose, the folks here have given you good advice. Consider the **** sandwich you were served before making decisions either way.


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## oldshirt

It would be worth a divorce just to never have to be around the MIL ever again.


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## Andy1001

@Wronged there is one huge red flag that you are either ignoring or you don’t feel is important. 
The posom TOLD your wife about having other affairs,in other words your wife KNEW she was dealing with a serial cheat/player. 
She knew he had a wife who had already reconciled with him after his previous affair but she still dived in. 
Your wife is still lying to you by playing the victim in this scenario,she is worming her way back and now that she wants you,at least for the time being, she will have as much sex as you want. 
I told you earlier that the reason your wife wasn’t having sex with you was because it would feel like she was cheating on her boyfriend. How will you feel the next time you have a dry spell,your mind will immediately go back to when she was cheating on you. 
You are never going to get this out of your mind and for that reason alone you should divorce. 
By the way pay no heed to the other mans threats,he is doing this to try and convince his own wife to take him back.


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## Decorum

Your wife does not want to be a woman who is single because she cheated on her husband, and did so in such a long, disrespectful, and gaudy way.

Any quality guy she meets is going to see a low class woman.

You are her best hope for a normal life, and at best her current role of making herself available to you sexually is cynical manipulation toward that end.

It must feel debasing to be giving into that.

She gave away everything of value for that POS.

Having said that I would take advantage of it to while divorcing her.

Your respect for her will continue to decline, as you begin to see her the same way the other man did.

In the end he could not get away from her far enough or fast enough.


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## Wolfman1968

Taxman said:


> A big PS here my friend: Her parents do not want any further exposure. You are in the catbird seat at this point and can dictate terms. In fact, if your wife does not want to play ball, you can hamstring her using your justified indignation as a weapon. If you want out, or you want the timeline, or you want favorable terms then keep exposing. The truth gets under everyone's skin. If I were you, I'd tell the pastor to get fornicated. I would tell father in law, that if he does not leave you alone, you will expose to more people. Their family name will be fecal matter. There will not be one place in town where he can show his face and not be the object of derision. I have seen first hand how exposure works on the provincially minded. In one case, the entire family uprooted, and moved to a small town where nobody knew them. They hated it, but it was all they could do to keep their names from being dragged through the mud.


I think Taxman is spot on here.

The threat of exposure could well be your number one source of leverage in the upcoming divorce. Use it.


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## Robbie1234

Kamstel said:


> Why bother to continue to dig?
> You know she cheated
> You know you will never be able to trust her again.
> 
> Just move forward with the divorce.


This is exactly what you should do. I took my wife back after catching her cheating and ten years later she cheated again. The biggest regret I have in my life is the ten wasted years. 
Don't waste your life, divorce and move on to a woman who you can trust.


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## Chaparral

The way the Posom groomed and played your wife is classic player. If you google it you will find websites that are just how to become a player that goes after married women. Like any other con, most normal people do not see it coming because the con starts off as one thing but slowly morphs into something completely different.

We have seen many instances here but the steps he went through, particularly the techniques to hide the affair and then the post affair threats tells me he has had many affairs and the one played the most is his own wife.

There is a post made many years ago by a self confessed player. I think his screen name was findingmyway or was just reposted by him.IDK 

At first I always thought yeah but no decent woman would fall for that but then I remembered the joke about the rich guy that offered a pretty woman a million dollars.

I am not suggesting any course of action for you. You have to do what is right for you and only you know what that is.m Your wife's Posom is just lucky he hasn't ran across the wrong husband yet.


"Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. He posted something similar to me, here it is.:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex."


----------



## bandit.45

Wronged said:


> Her parents are pressuring me for the sake of the kids.


Your mother in law is scared she will lose access to her grandkids. That is her sole driving motivation. Your father in law is probably just going along for the ride. 



> My parnets also think I should give it a try for the kids as does my pastor.


Your parents just want things to go back to the status quo. They want a return to equilibrium. Affairs are so inconvenient and bothersome.

The pastor is just doing what he thinks is his job. Tell your pastor you have every Biblical right to divorce your WW. Now, you are commanded in the Bible to forgive your WW _if she shows true repentance and asks for forgiveness_, but that doesn't mean you have to stay married to her. 



> My sister says f-that get rid of her.


She's a good sister. Cherish her.


----------



## bandit.45

Wronged said:


> JLG07, that is how I feel.
> 
> But they think I caused the problem by checking everything. I did check thru her phone, I used a VAR in her car, checked her internet browser history, put a gps in her car and checked up on her at her exercise class. Everything I did found nothing until I had her watched.


Tell her parents, the next time they bring this up, that there are no secrets in a marriage. There is no privacy in a marriage. You have a right to search anything and everything that you hold in joint property ownership with your WW. Snooping is perfectly acceptable. You did nothing wrong.


----------



## bandit.45

BigbadBootyDaddy said:


> To your Pastor. Where was god when she was with him? Take a break from this pastor.


God was there. Watching and weeping as his beloved daughter sinned and destroyed her marriage. 

This had nothing to do with God. It has to do with a misinformed and misguided pastor who is not rooted in God's Word and who lacks moral imperative.


----------



## Satisfied Mind

Wronged, that couldn't have been easy to hear, but it sounds like you got a lot of answers.

It may not matter to you at this point, but your wife still doesn't get it and is still demonstrating her selfishness and lack of remorse:

1. She's trying to diminish her role and responsibility for her actions by playing the victim. Whether he coached her or not, she went to great lengths to hide her affair in a cold and calculating fashion for a period of months. 

2. Her previous attitude, before the POS skipped town, indicates that he was her first choice, not you. She didn't start begging to get back together until he left. She's worried about the consequences of her actions for her, not you.

3. Rather than focus on what she did to you and do anything she could to relieve your pain, she goes into full-on manipulation mode: the transparent use of whatever sex appeal she thinks she still has, the sappy history of your relationship, etc. From what you describe, she is demonstrating zero empathy for you and only concern for what she wants.

There have been examples of true remorse shown by wayward spouses on this forum, and they don't look anything like this.

You may have already mentioned this, but when is your meeting with your lawyer? Have you been tested for STDs?


----------



## Imajerk17

I agree with all the recent replies. Your WW is NOT a candidate for R. And I am concerned that by spending this much time together your WW is working to weaken your resolve to forward the proceedings for divorce. 

1. There hardly any taking responsibility for this on her part. "before she knew what happened"? "in over her head"? Good Grief! She wasn't put under a spell by MM with superpowers, she willingly DECIDED to cheat on you. Or even worse, she willingly decided to be faithful to her boyfriend MM and forsake you in the process.

2. She doesn't seem to be remorseful about how HER actions caused YOUR pain. Instead she just wants HER life back. Especially because: If you and she do not work out, it will be extremely difficult for her to date again with her scarlet letter. She knows this and her parents know this, so they will be lobbying for you to fall back in line and get with the program and R. No matter how emasculated all this has to make you feel, as it would any other man in your situation.

3. In light of 2. above you are Plan B--MM was the one who held all the card w WW and then when he put the restraining order on her, that just leaves you (or her as a single mom trying to date again w a scarlet letter). All this flowery talk about how she knew you were the one from the beginning--that reallky is just to distract you from this fact.

Anyway that you need to keep on pushing w the D--I tried to say all of the above in my last post. I didn't say this as eloquently as the other posters put it though.


----------



## Decorum

MIL may have something to hide herself, this may be why FIL got so mad. 

There may have been a couple times that he suspected something but had no proof.
In that case "The nut doesn't fall very from the tree" may be true.

He should call her out on it and ask for a polygraph.


BTW I have this recurring thought when I think about this thread, I shudder at the thought of what would have happened if the other man would have told your STBXW to put rat poison in your oatmeal.


----------



## Decorum

He is a master manipulator, and she took a chance on what she thought would be the love of her life, and lost.


----------



## Wronged

We have been discussing our path forward for the past few days.

She's going to be staying with her parents as we move forward. We're going to try use mediation for the divorce. She has accepted this as the outcome and seems agreeable to a fair split. 

She's still wearing her ring, which is somewhat baffling because she stopped wearing it when she got caught. She has been very direct in that she does not want this but understands my need to move forward.

She did start some counseling for herself. I have declined to do MC because I do not want to stay married to her. 

She believes that she is the best fit for me as we move forward because she has learned a powerful lesson that others who have not been in that situation cannot understand.

The whole he's a super player thing I struggle a bit with. I saw the guy. He's not a professional athlete or rock star looking type. He's very average in size and looks, certainly not a Casanova in appearance any way.

Hopefully she stays the course with what we have basically agreed to at this point. Her mother is pushing hard against it so that may have an impact as we move forward.


----------



## Andy1001

@Wronged with all due respect,if the other man looked like a rock star or a professional athlete he wouldn’t be chasing women like your wife. 
He would have his pick of models etc. 
And you must have heard that people usually affair “down”.
As for her mother,she has shown she will always have her daughters back so don’t be surprised that she wants everything to be just as it was.


----------



## Marc878

All cheaters want to portray the other man as a player but the reality is your wife knew exactly what she was doing. Her other man was only taking what she was willingly giving him. He's a part but she is the main culprit.


----------



## Robert22205

I'm sorry you experienced such betrayal. It's a painful process but you are doing very well. You should let your doctor know what happened the next time you have an exam. He can help with sleep meds and meds to reduce the roller coaster of emotions. 

You are a young man and have plenty of time to start over with a woman that is honest, respects and values you.
Living your best life also sets a good example to your kids (decisive, and zero tolerance of adultery and all the related inappropriate behavior).

Your wife's parents are very toxic. You can't argue or win with them - so just distance yourself. 

Focus on spoiling yourself: regular exercise & massage, new clothes and/or car or some gadget/tool you always wanted, weekend getaway, start a new hobby.

Last, you might consider carrying a VAR when talking with your wife. Just in case she claims domestic abuse.


----------



## jlg07

Wronged said:


> JLG07, that is how I feel.
> 
> But they think I caused the problem by checking everything. I did check thru her phone, I used a VAR in her car, checked her internet browser history, put a gps in her car and checked up on her at her exercise class. Everything I did found nothing until I had her watched.


BTW, THIS should tell you how calculated and manipulative she was. She KNEW that you would find out if you went through this, so she purposely made sure you wouldn't see anything that way. I wouldn't be certain that she didn't cheat before. Either that or her POSOM was very skilled in this and coached her. Nice, huh??


----------



## jlg07

Wronged said:


> We have been discussing our path forward for the past few days.
> 
> ...
> 
> She believes that she is the best fit for me as we move forward because she has learned a powerful lesson that others who have not been in that situation cannot understand.
> 
> ....
> 
> Hopefully she stays the course with what we have basically agreed to at this point. Her mother is pushing hard against it so that may have an impact as we move forward.


Just BE CAREFUL that she doesn't ***** bomb you. She may come over one night to "talk" and have nothing under her coat. Remember she knows you and knows how to manipulate you.
PLEASE be careful and don't fall for that.


----------



## Marc878

Wronged said:


> We have been discussing our path forward for the past few days.
> 
> She's going to be staying with her parents as we move forward. We're going to try use mediation for the divorce. She has accepted this as the outcome and seems agreeable to a fair split.
> 
> She's still wearing her ring, which is somewhat baffling because she stopped wearing it when she got caught. She has been very direct in that she does not want this but understands my need to move forward.
> 
> She did start some counseling for herself. I have declined to do MC because I do not want to stay married to her.
> 
> *She believes that she is the best fit for me as we move forward because she has learned a powerful lesson that others who have not been in that situation cannot understand.*
> 
> The whole he's a super player thing I struggle a bit with. I saw the guy. He's not a professional athlete or rock star looking type. He's very average in size and looks, certainly not a Casanova in appearance any way.
> 
> Hopefully she stays the course with what we have basically agreed to at this point. Her mother is pushing hard against it so that may have an impact as we move forward.


Self preservation mode. I had my fun at your expense. Now it's time for you to suck it up and take me back so I can have my good life back.

How nice of her. If your smart you'll cut the contact. You are talking way to much


----------



## Chuck71

Wronged said:


> We have been discussing our path forward for the past few days.
> 
> She's going to be staying with her parents as we move forward. We're going to try use mediation for the divorce. She has accepted this as the outcome and seems agreeable to a fair split.
> 
> She's still wearing her ring, which is somewhat baffling because she stopped wearing it when she got caught. She has been very direct in that she does not want this but understands my need to move forward.
> 
> She did start some counseling for herself. I have declined to do MC because I do not want to stay married to her.
> 
> She believes that she is the best fit for me as we move forward because she has learned a powerful lesson that others who have not been in that situation cannot understand.
> 
> The whole he's a super player thing I struggle a bit with. I saw the guy. He's not a professional athlete or rock star looking type. He's very average in size and looks, certainly not a Casanova in appearance any way.
> 
> Hopefully she stays the course with what we have basically agreed to at this point. Her mother is pushing hard against it so that may have an impact as we move forward.


I admire how you have handled this. From what you have stated, she is not sorry for what

she did, she is sorry she got caught and loverboy threw her under the bus. Loverboy was Plan A.

You were Plan B if he dumped her. He did....and only now she wants you. She knew you were 

busting your ass to try and save the M all those months. She ignored what you tried to do, saw you

as weak and likely shared your attempts with POSOM / loverboy. The betrayal runs deep with

you. You are considering her actions as a deal breaker. I would as well. Certainly you should D her.

Get everything to whom it belongs. Split whatever needs to be. And IF......IF you decide to try again, date her...

have it to where if you are not feeling it, you can just walk. No attorneys, no courts deciding your

family's fate for the next 12-15. Get the D done ASAP. Grieve.... accept.....move forward 

how YOU choose. I am very sorry you are her brother. 

And......do NOT allow her to "bang you back" That would last for six months. Then the cycle would repeat.


----------



## TDSC60

The one thing that sticks with me when dealing with a cheater.

Once a line is crossed for the first time, it is much easier to cross again in the future. Especially if they avoid consequences.

Now you know what she is capable of doing.


----------



## Chuck71

TDSC60 said:


> The one thing that sticks with me when dealing with a cheater.
> 
> Once a line is crossed for the first time, it is much easier to cross again in the future. Especially if they avoid consequences.
> 
> Now you know what she is capable of doing.


EXACTLY!........In most cases when you forgive a spouse for cheating and try again, they see

it as a green light to do it again. Then they're caught, beg, plead, etc. To win you back.

The term serial cheater is heard here often. As a poster said here years ago, "One time was enough for me."


----------



## sokillme

Wronged said:


> Hello, I'm new to the forum. I have been reading here for a few months, but thought I had things sorted. I don't I guess.
> 
> Bottom line.
> Wife and I are both 36 married 9 years. 2 kids preschool and first grade.
> Marriage was good until this past summer. After 6 months of trying to figure out what was wrong, trying to do more at home, woo my wife, ask for counseling together, etc. She's involved with another man from work and hid it like a pro.
> I was starting to think I was crazy until the truth finally came out.
> 
> I blabbed to most everyone we knew, she went ballistic saying it was no one's business and I was an *******. This was just after Christmas but before New years day.
> 
> She did go stay with her parents and they sided hard with her. I pushed her into the arms of another man.
> 
> By the end of Jan she wanted to talk, it was a one-time thing I just happened to catch the first time. My response was not kind and her family said that proved I was an ******* just looking for an excuse to divorce her.
> 
> This weekend she calls and says she wants to move back home and try counseling to save our family. I already have a lawyer and was content to move forward with divorce but am getting pressure to try. I asked her for a timeline of the affair and said come home when you finish that. It's now Monday evening and I have no time line and she's still at her parents house. She has texted me saying she's so sorry loves me etc. But still no timeline that I asked for. I don't understand the change if she is not serious. I also do not think I can swallow the crap sandwich she wants to force feed me anyway.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> On the fly
> 
> I think so. I told his wife. This was not his first affair. They moved here for a new start to get away from his previous affair. His wife got pissed and packed the kids up and moved back. He put in his notice and followed her from what I am told. Not sure if that is really true as I have been lied to constantly for months.


Congratulations doing the right thing. Toxic people make toxic lives. Plus you would be settling and it's obvious you are her plan B. You will have a better life for it. With the way her mother is no wonder she grew up to be a cheater. I wonder if she is a cheater too. You should ask your wife about her Mom.



> She believes that she is the best fit for me as we move forward because she has learned a powerful lesson that others who have not been in that situation cannot understand.


It's nice she thinks so much of you that she would think a lying cheater is the best fit for you. Again shows who she is. 

Oh and tell the pastor in the old testament she would have been stoned to death. She gets to start over and live her life, sounds like forgiveness to me.

Start to distance yourself from her.


----------



## Imajerk17

Wronged said:


> We have been discussing our path forward for the past few days.
> 
> She's going to be staying with her parents as we move forward. We're going to try use mediation for the divorce. She has accepted this as the outcome and seems agreeable to a fair split.
> 
> She's still wearing her ring, which is somewhat baffling because she stopped wearing it when she got caught. She has been very direct in that she does not want this but understands my need to move forward.
> 
> *She did start some counseling for herself. I have declined to do MC because I do not want to stay married to her.
> 
> She believes that she is the best fit for me as we move forward because she has learned a powerful lesson that others who have not been in that situation cannot understand.
> 
> The whole he's a super player thing I struggle a bit with. I saw the guy. He's not a professional athlete or rock star looking type. He's very average in size and looks, certainly not a Casanova in appearance any way.*
> 
> Hopefully she stays the course with what we have basically agreed to at this point. Her mother is pushing hard against it so that may have an impact as we move forward.


Of course you struggle with the concept of "super player". I would too if I were in your position. It's crap really. Basically this is your WW refusing to take full responsibility for her actions.

Look, what your WW really needs to understand is that, no matter what this other guy said to her, she cheated because she wanted to. SHE was the one who DECIDED it was OK for herself to forsake you for MM, while you were left hurt and confused wondering what the hell had happened, for the better part of a year.

So, no, your WW blaming others for HER choices, clearly has NOT learned a powerful lesson. Quite the opposite really in fact.

That said I do wonder if her IC is the one telling her about "super players" [whatever THAT means exactly], i.e., trying to absolve her of the blame, telling her that her cheating isn't all her fault--'_There there, don't be too hard on yourself, it's not your fault, how could you even resist, Big Bad MM used the Magic Words on you to play with your emotions!'_.

Keep staying the course!


----------



## re16

Maybe you can tell her if she eliminates "super players" from the world, you will try with her again. Until then, she has proven susceptible to them, so you don't have any options but to D.


----------



## TDSC60

It is as simple as giving sex for compliments and attention.....and she wanted to do it. Nobody forced her.


----------



## [email protected]

Wronged, you are wrong. You didn't push your WW into the arms of another. She did it all by herself. You
have zero responsibility for her PA.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

As to your earlier question....What is a vaginal coma? Here's what I found.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Vaginal Coma

But after you read that, please put it into context as to how this term was discussed? Did I miss a mention from a fellow poster? Or did some one IRL tell you this?


----------



## jlg07

@Wronged, how are you doing?


----------



## Talker67

Wronged said:


> Her parents called me an ******* because I blabbed and told people. Before the affair blew up I was treated very well the son they always wanted. When I exposed everything I was told that should have been kept private between me and my wife and I was just trying to be hurtful and shame her and her family. .



For me, the first condition (there will be others) of any attempt at reconcillation would be her publicly stating that the affair was all her fault, that she lied when she told relatives that He "drove her to it", and that putting it all out in public was in fact the right thing to do. 

I would think a nice detailed post on her facebook account that all the relatives can see would suffice!

this would accomplish a number of things:
1) she would finally admit to being the one 100% responsible for this travesty
2) You would be able to show up at family events again, without wondering what people were thinking about you
3) It clearly shows she is willing to pay some price to make the R work


----------



## Taxman

Wronged, once again I am going to counsel you to dangle reconciliation in front of her nose to get a more favorable settlement. Further to that, let her parents know that your silence is contingent on receiving a very generous settlement. I know this makes me out to be a blackmailer, however, sir, you are the victim in all of this. Your wife is crap. Her parents are crap. Get the best you can out of them, and let her see you in a few years with a younger faithful wife. She can just ferment in her own feces.


----------



## Wronged

I appreciate the replies. We have agreed on a path forward and that is divorce. The process is moving forward and she is being cooperative. I'm not trying to get a better deal than her in the process, but I also do not want to get hosed. Fair is my goal and she is on board.

Her mom makes some drama when she can. My soon to be ex wife has put her foot down with her mom. Hopefully that lasts thru the divorce process. 

The whole process stinks, but I can't change it but I can change my circumstance. I'm trying to focus on that outcome.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

The process does stink, but the end result is worth it. I am glad she is being cooperative with it all, I hope it continues. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## syhoybenden

Wronged said:


> Fair is my goal and she is on board.


Yeah, for now. Until she's not. 

She is not your ally in this you know. She is your adversary.


----------



## alte Dame

I just finished reading through this and admit that there were many times I expected to see you get sucked back in. You're a champ, though, Wronged. It seems clear that she would still be in her fantasyland affairland if the bf hadn't dumped her as soon as he was exposed.

I hope you stay the course. (I also think it must have been a shock to FIL to hear his wife defend her so strongly and to advise her to lie. He now knows what he is married to.)


----------



## Chuck71

Wronged said:


> I appreciate the replies. We have agreed on a path forward and that is divorce. The process is moving forward and she is being cooperative. I'm not trying to get a better deal than her in the process, but I also do not want to get hosed. Fair is my goal and she is on board.
> 
> Her mom makes some drama when she can. My soon to be ex wife has put her foot down with her mom. Hopefully that lasts thru the divorce process.
> 
> The whole process stinks, but I can't change it but I can change my circumstance. I'm trying to focus on that outcome.


You will make it through this, I promise. You are leaving the M with your head held high. She leaves the M

in shame. She played, she paid. A brief encounter now... changes so many other people's 

lives forever. Her H / kids will never be the same. Wonder what she'd say a year after the D is final

if you asked her "was it all worth it."

Wronged..... you can only control, what you do. You can not control her actions and emotions.

Hopefully she will comply as she stated but keep your guard up and just "expect" her to have a meltdown

and try to hose you in the D. By shutting her mom down, she is beginning to accept her mistake.

Acknowledging it though, is not working on it. That is where most BS fail, if they're begging for a R.

Be a rock for your kids, they will be looking to you for leadership. Grieve the process and

work on a better Wronged. Because there will come a day..... a female will meet that improved Wronged....

and you will see your past M as a "bump in the road." You received wonderful children from it

but nothing else.


----------



## Oldtimer

Well done wronged, I too was wondering when you were going to post that you were reconciling. Glad you spit out the **** sandwich that you were being fed and took the bull by the horns. Kudos.

OT


----------



## Lakesparrow

Been there done that. I learned a few things from the affair: Rule number 1, your spot at her family's Holiday table is NOT your spot. It's her plus 1 spot and don't you forget it. She could smother a litter of orphaned kittens with gasoline soaked rags set them on fire and post it to YouTube and they'll side w her against the haters. Because she's their blood. So, if you reconcile build your own traditions and don't actor to theirs because you're just a Plus 1 but your kids aren't and it will screw you and the kids up if the kids traditions they look forward to are all based on HER family...and you decide to bounce down the line. 

Rule 2: you will never trust her again. Ever. Not deep down. So, you stop trying because it will ****ing kill you to try to. Let go of it. I mean, either way you go...working on trust or forgetting it, the bedrock of your little belief that you will always have each other is broken. Develop the "I'll survive whatever she does" attitude and choose what's important to you. for me I wanted my kids in my hime 24 7. I didn't want them gone on weekends. I didn't trust him to date people I wanted around them. I trusted in myself. To adjust. I trust that I can manage an exit plan if he cheats again.

Rule 3: acknowledge that you can have good times and love if you reconcile. Because you can. Things won't be the same but I promise you will forgive yourself for everything her dumb ass and dumb family are outting in your head that youre to blame for as the fog and gaslighting pass, 

I Reconciled in 09. my kids were 10 12 14. I'm definitely reevaluating my future now. But the affair isn't the centerpoint of why. And I sometimes think reconciling was a mistake, but had we not, Lord knows what nonsense my kids would have been exposed to. People always affair down. So I'm glad I did it. I think I'm one of the strongest people I know. 

And I blabbed too. I lost my cool for the first time in my life. When we ran into her while reconciling she smirked at me and laughed. I punched her in the face in front of 3 or 400 people and proceeded to comedically roast her and humiliate her. when he tried to hug me and talk to me I kicked him in the balls and told him to stay down or go home with her.

I mean, there was a lot surrounding all of this. A LOT. I got banned for life from the location. My therapist said I appeared to have overcome my PTSD from her repeated boil the bunny threats.

Anyhow.....Rule 4: You might humiliate yourself or others. But you'll come out the other end ok. You're not crazy. Don't beat yourself up. Take a kickboxing class, go do something physical and blow off your steam. Also remember it's shocking what never shows up on a background checks. So there's that. 

Be well whatever you choose.


----------



## GusPolinski

Lakesparrow said:


> Been there done that. I learned a few things from the affair: Rule number 1, your spot at her family's Holiday table is NOT your spot. It's her plus 1 spot and don't you forget it. She could smother a litter of orphaned kittens with gasoline soaked rags set them on fire and post it to YouTube and they'll side w her against the haters. Because she's their blood. So, if you reconcile build your own traditions and don't actor to theirs because you're just a Plus 1 but your kids aren't and it will screw you and the kids up if the kids traditions they look forward to are all based on HER family...and you decide to bounce down the line.
> 
> Rule 2: you will never trust her again. Ever. Not deep down. So, you stop trying because it will ****ing kill you to try to. Let go of it. I mean, either way you go...working on trust or forgetting it, the bedrock of your little belief that you will always have each other is broken. Develop the "I'll survive whatever she does" attitude and choose what's important to you. for me I wanted my kids in my hime 24 7. I didn't want them gone on weekends. I didn't trust him to date people I wanted around them. I trusted in myself. To adjust. I trust that I can manage an exit plan if he cheats again.
> 
> Rule 3: acknowledge that you can have good times and love if you reconcile. Because you can. Things won't be the same but I promise you will forgive yourself for everything her dumb ass and dumb family are outting in your head that youre to blame for as the fog and gaslighting pass,
> 
> I Reconciled in 09. my kids were 10 12 14. I'm definitely reevaluating my future now. But the affair isn't the centerpoint of why. And I sometimes think reconciling was a mistake, but had we not, Lord knows what nonsense my kids would have been exposed to. People always affair down. So I'm glad I did it. I think I'm one of the strongest people I know.
> 
> And I blabbed too. I lost my cool for the first time in my life. When we ran into her while reconciling she smirked at me and laughed. I punched her in the face in front of 3 or 400 people and proceeded to comedically roast her and humiliate her. when he tried to hug me and talk to me I kicked him in the balls and told him to stay down or go home with her.
> 
> I mean, there was a lot surrounding all of this. A LOT. I got banned for life from the location. My therapist said I appeared to have overcome my PTSD from her repeated boil the bunny threats.
> 
> Anyhow.....Rule 4: You might humiliate yourself or others. But you'll come out the other end ok. You're not crazy. Don't beat yourself up. Take a kickboxing class, go do something physical and blow off your steam. Also remember it's shocking what never shows up on a background checks. So there's that.
> 
> Be well whatever you choose.


Damn.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Lakesparrow said:


> Been there done that. I learned a few things from the affair: Rule number 1, your spot at her family's Holiday table is NOT your spot. It's her plus 1 spot and don't you forget it. She could smother a litter of orphaned kittens with gasoline soaked rags set them on fire and post it to YouTube and they'll side w her against the haters. Because she's their blood. So, if you reconcile build your own traditions and don't actor to theirs because you're just a Plus 1 but your kids aren't and it will screw you and the kids up if the kids traditions they look forward to are all based on HER family...and you decide to bounce down the line.
> 
> Rule 2: you will never trust her again. Ever. Not deep down. So, you stop trying because it will ****ing kill you to try to. Let go of it. I mean, either way you go...working on trust or forgetting it, the bedrock of your little belief that you will always have each other is broken. Develop the "I'll survive whatever she does" attitude and choose what's important to you. for me I wanted my kids in my hime 24 7. I didn't want them gone on weekends. I didn't trust him to date people I wanted around them. I trusted in myself. To adjust. I trust that I can manage an exit plan if he cheats again.
> 
> Rule 3: acknowledge that you can have good times and love if you reconcile. Because you can. Things won't be the same but I promise you will forgive yourself for everything her dumb ass and dumb family are outting in your head that youre to blame for as the fog and gaslighting pass,
> 
> I Reconciled in 09. my kids were 10 12 14. I'm definitely reevaluating my future now. But the affair isn't the centerpoint of why. And I sometimes think reconciling was a mistake, but had we not, Lord knows what nonsense my kids would have been exposed to. People always affair down. So I'm glad I did it. I think I'm one of the strongest people I know.
> 
> And I blabbed too. I lost my cool for the first time in my life. When we ran into her while reconciling she smirked at me and laughed. I punched her in the face in front of 3 or 400 people and proceeded to comedically roast her and humiliate her. when he tried to hug me and talk to me I kicked him in the balls and told him to stay down or go home with her.
> 
> I mean, there was a lot surrounding all of this. A LOT. I got banned for life from the location. My therapist said I appeared to have overcome my PTSD from her repeated boil the bunny threats.
> 
> Anyhow.....Rule 4: You might humiliate yourself or others. But you'll come out the other end ok. You're not crazy. Don't beat yourself up. Take a kickboxing class, go do something physical and blow off your steam. Also remember it's shocking what never shows up on a background checks. So there's that.
> 
> Be well whatever you choose.


Double Damn.


----------



## Chaparral

Lakesparrow said:


> Been there done that. I learned a few things from the affair: Rule number 1, your spot at her family's Holiday table is NOT your spot. It's her plus 1 spot and don't you forget it. She could smother a litter of orphaned kittens with gasoline soaked rags set them on fire and post it to YouTube and they'll side w her against the haters. Because she's their blood. So, if you reconcile build your own traditions and don't actor to theirs because you're just a Plus 1 but your kids aren't and it will screw you and the kids up if the kids traditions they look forward to are all based on HER family...and you decide to bounce down the line.
> 
> Rule 2: you will never trust her again. Ever. Not deep down. So, you stop trying because it will ****ing kill you to try to. Let go of it. I mean, either way you go...working on trust or forgetting it, the bedrock of your little belief that you will always have each other is broken. Develop the "I'll survive whatever she does" attitude and choose what's important to you. for me I wanted my kids in my hime 24 7. I didn't want them gone on weekends. I didn't trust him to date people I wanted around them. I trusted in myself. To adjust. I trust that I can manage an exit plan if he cheats again.
> 
> Rule 3: acknowledge that you can have good times and love if you reconcile. Because you can. Things won't be the same but I promise you will forgive yourself for everything her dumb ass and dumb family are outting in your head that youre to blame for as the fog and gaslighting pass,
> 
> I Reconciled in 09. my kids were 10 12 14. I'm definitely reevaluating my future now. But the affair isn't the centerpoint of why. And I sometimes think reconciling was a mistake, but had we not, Lord knows what nonsense my kids would have been exposed to. People always affair down. So I'm glad I did it. I think I'm one of the strongest people I know.
> 
> And I blabbed too. I lost my cool for the first time in my life. When we ran into her while reconciling she smirked at me and laughed. I punched her in the face in front of 3 or 400 people and proceeded to comedically roast her and humiliate her. when he tried to hug me and talk to me I kicked him in the balls and told him to stay down or go home with her.
> 
> I mean, there was a lot surrounding all of this. A LOT. I got banned for life from the location. My therapist said I appeared to have overcome my PTSD from her repeated boil the bunny threats.
> 
> Anyhow.....Rule 4: You might humiliate yourself or others. But you'll come out the other end ok. You're not crazy. Don't beat yourself up. Take a kickboxing class, go do something physical and blow off your steam. Also remember it's shocking what never shows up on a background checks. So there's that.
> 
> Be well whatever you choose.


You’re my hero.🦸*♀


----------



## Marc878

Lakesparrow said:


> Been there done that. I learned a few things from the affair: Rule number 1, your spot at her family's Holiday table is NOT your spot. It's her plus 1 spot and don't you forget it. She could smother a litter of orphaned kittens with gasoline soaked rags set them on fire and post it to YouTube and they'll side w her against the haters. Because she's their blood. So, if you reconcile build your own traditions and don't actor to theirs because you're just a Plus 1 but your kids aren't and it will screw you and the kids up if the kids traditions they look forward to are all based on HER family...and you decide to bounce down the line.
> 
> Rule 2: you will never trust her again. Ever. Not deep down. So, you stop trying because it will ****ing kill you to try to. Let go of it. I mean, either way you go...working on trust or forgetting it, the bedrock of your little belief that you will always have each other is broken. Develop the "I'll survive whatever she does" attitude and choose what's important to you. for me I wanted my kids in my hime 24 7. I didn't want them gone on weekends. I didn't trust him to date people I wanted around them. I trusted in myself. To adjust. I trust that I can manage an exit plan if he cheats again.
> 
> Rule 3: acknowledge that you can have good times and love if you reconcile. Because you can. Things won't be the same but I promise you will forgive yourself for everything her dumb ass and dumb family are outting in your head that youre to blame for as the fog and gaslighting pass,
> 
> I Reconciled in 09. my kids were 10 12 14. I'm definitely reevaluating my future now. But the affair isn't the centerpoint of why. And I sometimes think reconciling was a mistake, but had we not, Lord knows what nonsense my kids would have been exposed to. People always affair down. So I'm glad I did it. I think I'm one of the strongest people I know.
> 
> And I blabbed too. I lost my cool for the first time in my life. When we ran into her while reconciling she smirked at me and laughed. I punched her in the face in front of 3 or 400 people and proceeded to comedically roast her and humiliate her. when he tried to hug me and talk to me I kicked him in the balls and told him to stay down or go home with her.
> 
> I mean, there was a lot surrounding all of this. A LOT. I got banned for life from the location. My therapist said I appeared to have overcome my PTSD from her repeated boil the bunny threats.
> 
> Anyhow.....Rule 4: You might humiliate yourself or others. But you'll come out the other end ok. You're not crazy. Don't beat yourself up. Take a kickboxing class, go do something physical and blow off your steam. Also remember it's shocking what never shows up on a background checks. So there's that.
> 
> Be well whatever you choose.


Wow, you are about the coolest betrayed wife I've ever heard of !!!! You should change your name to Rocky >

Violence is not good but I do have a question did she go down when you hit her? :surprise:
This is important and we need to know.


----------



## Mr.Married

This dude has what it takes ...... head high and moving forward.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I keep hoping for an update...


----------



## Taxman

What you want out of your inlaws is silence. I have applied the screws to "out-laws" that wanted the whole thing swept under the rug for appearances sake. In my particular case, they owned an insurance agency. They were desperate to keep their good name. I told mommie dearest that her daughter was appearing in porn. We had some beauts that she selfied with their son's grade 7 home room teacher. To be frank, we turned into blackmailers for a short while. We got a large cash settlement from Mom and Dad. We agreed to hold the teacher's comeuppance for as long as we deemed necessary (note the nebulous time period-it plays into the next part)

We waited until everything was engraved in stone. Monies had changed hands. We had a decree in hand. Then, we lowered the boom. The betrayed husband, who was blindsided with the affair, and all the other nonsense presented himself at the school. Teach was brought in, principal, vice-principal, department head, and the teacher union rep were surprised with the video. They were more surprised when we demanded his immediate termination. There was a ton of scurrying, then he lost his job, his career, his seniority, his pension and the evidence was put in front of just about everyone at the school who we would be sure of flapping their gums the minute we left. I arrived back at my office to a phone ringing off the hook. It was XWW's daddy dearest. He said, I thought we had an arrangement. I said you did not read the fine print. Once we got everything, there was no gag order in our agreements for subsequent to the divorce. You are free to sue your lawyer. Now, this is likely spreading through your business contacts, friends and family. Have a nice time. The XWW called her ex, completely livid. Her BF broke up with her the minute he lost his job. He was not nice about it. He swore at her that she was not worth this. He told her to forget about that lovely life he had promised. Now, she lost it all. Plus Mom and Dad's business suffered. Dad blames it on his daughter's hot pants. Mom can't believe that her daughter's reputation is shot to hell, and it has destroyed their standing in the community. We made sure that they'd pay.


----------



## Wronged

Appreciate the replies, Alte Dame I'm no champ. I think you used the wrong verb there as chump seems more appropriate. Lake Sparrow is the champ... Wow!

MIL has started some new drama. Wife's response this time "well it is true". 

I really just need this nonsense to stop.

Taxman, ideas like that are tempting but I don't want to go scorched earth. I just want a fair and fast ending with an emphasis on fast!


----------



## alte Dame

Sadly, OP, in the game of infidelity, not getting sucked back in by the lies is a heroic feat.


----------



## notmyjamie

Wronged said:


> Appreciate the replies, Alte Dame I'm no champ. I think you used the wrong verb there as chump seems more appropriate. Lake Sparrow is the champ... Wow!
> 
> MIL has started some new drama. Wife's response this time "well it is true".
> 
> I really just need this nonsense to stop.
> 
> Taxman, ideas like that are tempting but I don't want to go scorched earth. I just want a fair and fast ending with an emphasis on fast!


Sorry to hear things are getting tough. It sounds like your wife has realized you aren't backing down from divorce so she's accepting it and so now is focusing on that instead of trying to get you back. 

What does your lawyer say? Any way to speed the process up?


----------



## Wronged

NMJ, we're already using mediators as it is cheaper and faster. She has been agreeable to a fair split so far. 

I should probably let it go and not let it bother me. I believe it to be reputational damage control by her mom. Basically, MIL is telling people how proud she is of her daughter for doing everything possible as a wife and mother to save her family from the divorce I am insisting on. All the while leaving out the part about my wife having a boyfriend. Seems like a deliberate half truth to me. My wife is begging me to not tell the rest of the story for the sake of our kids because other children can be so mean and she doesn't want them to be picked on for her actions. So I should think of what is best for the kids and keep my mouth shut...


----------



## notmyjamie

Wronged said:


> NMJ, we're already using mediators as it is cheaper and faster. She has been agreeable to a fair split so far.
> 
> I should probably let it go and not let it bother me. I believe it to be reputational damage control by her mom. Basically, MIL is telling people how proud she is of her daughter for doing everything possible as a wife and mother to save her family from the divorce I am insisting on. All the while leaving out the part about my wife having a boyfriend. Seems like a deliberate half truth to me. My wife is begging me to not tell the rest of the story for the sake of our kids because other children can be so mean and she doesn't want them to be picked on for her actions. So I should think of what is best for the kids and keep my mouth shut...


Well, isn't that so wonderful of her to think of the kids and how much this will hurt them...now...not then, when she made the choice to cheat on you, but now, when it will be all your fault and not hers. Tell her that if your Mom shuts up about it to people you'll have no need to fill in the blanks. 

Some people disgust me.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Wronged said:


> NMJ, we're already using mediators as it is cheaper and faster. She has been agreeable to a fair split so far.
> 
> I should probably let it go and not let it bother me. I believe it to be reputational damage control by her mom. Basically, MIL is telling people how proud she is of her daughter for doing everything possible as a wife and mother to save her family from the divorce I am insisting on. All the while leaving out the part about my wife having a boyfriend. Seems like a deliberate half truth to me. My wife is begging me to not tell the rest of the story for the sake of our kids because other children can be so mean and she doesn't want them to be picked on for her actions. So I should think of what is best for the kids and keep my mouth shut...


no offense that is just hypocrisy...its okay for her mother to lie and not say the truth but she is against you telling the truth in fear it will hurt her kids when in fact its still all about her...i would tell her that you will not tell if her month tells everyone the truth...otherwise np deal. this is a classic FU moment


----------



## Affaircare

@Wronged

I'd like you to bear something in mind: all you would be doing is telling the truth. If she had behaved faithfully and in a proper wifely manner, THEN the truth would be that she did all she could to save the family from the divorce you insisted on. But that's not the truth. The truth is you were not a saint but your wife acted in a way that DIRECTLY RESULTED in the destruction of the family! It is HER ADULTERY that plunged the family into divorce. Thus, I believe it would be entirely reasonable, respectful, truthful and honest to say "I did insist on divorce when I discovered she had committed adultery and would not stop. When she realized I would not cover up her infidelity she began to imply that I did not want to save the family, and yet I wanted my family enough to stop myself from being unfaithful. So no...she did not do all she could to save the family. I only insisted on divorce because I would not share my wife with another man."


----------



## Diana7

Taxman said:


> What you want out of your inlaws is silence. I have applied the screws to "out-laws" that wanted the whole thing swept under the rug for appearances sake. In my particular case, they owned an insurance agency. They were desperate to keep their good name. I told mommie dearest that her daughter was appearing in porn. We had some beauts that she selfied with their son's grade 7 home room teacher. To be frank, we turned into blackmailers for a short while. We got a large cash settlement from Mom and Dad. We agreed to hold the teacher's comeuppance for as long as we deemed necessary (note the nebulous time period-it plays into the next part)
> 
> We waited until everything was engraved in stone. Monies had changed hands. We had a decree in hand. Then, we lowered the boom. The betrayed husband, who was blindsided with the affair, and all the other nonsense presented himself at the school. Teach was brought in, principal, vice-principal, department head, and the teacher union rep were surprised with the video. They were more surprised when we demanded his immediate termination. There was a ton of scurrying, then he lost his job, his career, his seniority, his pension and the evidence was put in front of just about everyone at the school who we would be sure of flapping their gums the minute we left. I arrived back at my office to a phone ringing off the hook. It was XWW's daddy dearest. He said, I thought we had an arrangement. I said you did not read the fine print. Once we got everything, there was no gag order in our agreements for subsequent to the divorce. You are free to sue your lawyer. Now, this is likely spreading through your business contacts, friends and family. Have a nice time. The XWW called her ex, completely livid. Her BF broke up with her the minute he lost his job. He was not nice about it. He swore at her that she was not worth this. He told her to forget about that lovely life he had promised. Now, she lost it all. Plus Mom and Dad's business suffered. Dad blames it on his daughter's hot pants. Mom can't believe that her daughter's reputation is shot to hell, and it has destroyed their standing in the community. We made sure that they'd pay.


White I hate cheating with a passion, I just couldn't have that on my conscience. If you promised something you promised it. I also don't believe in doing things out of vengeance and anger or using blackmail. 

In the case of the op where the mother is deliberately spreading lies, I would just say, unless your mother stops lying I will have to tell people what really happened. 
My husband was in a similar position. His wife cheated and divorced him, yet her family and others all blamed him and sided with her. Goodness knows what lies she had told them but I doubt many knew that she had another man.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Wronged said:


> NMJ, we're already using mediators as it is cheaper and faster. She has been agreeable to a fair split so far.
> 
> I should probably let it go and not let it bother me. I believe it to be reputational damage control by her mom. Basically, MIL is telling people how proud she is of her daughter for doing everything possible as a wife and mother to save her family from the divorce I am insisting on. All the while leaving out the part about my wife having a boyfriend. Seems like a deliberate half truth to me. My wife is begging me to not tell the rest of the story for the sake of our kids because other children can be so mean and she doesn't want them to be picked on for her actions. So I should think of what is best for the kids and keep my mouth shut...


What your MIL is doing is not a half truth, it is simply a pack  lies. 

For the sake of keeping the meditation moving quickly I think it would not help to escalate this now. I would simply state the truth when directly asked if you thought the person asking should know the truth. For example, if your integrity or character was being challenged or impugned. If that gets back to your wife just shrug and ignore her. She is not interested in you escalating this either but will be left perplexed on how to proceed in keeping you in her 'reputation corner'. 

Then after the divorce is final just tell everyone the truth in any manner you see fit.

The reality is no amount of spinning will hide what happened. Your MIL is being rather immature to think so. Did the apple not fall far from the tree? Eventually everyone in the extended family and circle of close friends will learn the truth, they always do. People talk and figure things out. Your wife will then always blame you for everyone learning what she did. Too bad. 

As far as the kids being picked on I'm nor buying it. More about protecting her reputation than theirs . If she cared about the kids she would not have betrayed you AND them. Tell her that when she howls 'How could you ..."


----------



## Chuck71

Wrong..... this is "damage control." Pure and simple.... some call it minimizing (sp). Today people think they can

royally F-up and.... if they cry enough, or say I am sorry enough.... it will........all go *poof*

Like it.....never happened. Wrong.....on every level. Everyone is worried about how someone else will 

feel...... WHO is worried how YOU feel? That is my point. To me, a spouse has your back, defends your 

honor. NOT to stab you in the back and get pizzed off, they got caught. Be civil, IF you can.

But if you need to go balls to the wall, have it ready and scripted. Do not be trigger-shy.

Don't start it but be more than happy to end it. Smile when they eat their own homemade.....

"schit sandwich." Your plan is set.... just do not......"play remember when"


----------



## [email protected]

Kids have a way of discovering the truth. Full exposure everywhere!


----------



## Chuck71

Chuck71 said:


> Wrong..... this is "damage control." Pure and simple.... some call it minimizing (sp). Today people think they can
> 
> royally F-up and.... if they cry enough, or say I am sorry enough.... it will........all go *poof*
> 
> Like it.....never happened. Wrong.....on every level. Everyone is worried about how someone else will
> 
> feel...... WHO is worried how YOU feel? That is my point. To me, a spouse has your back, defends your
> 
> honor. NOT to stab you in the back and get pizzed off, they got caught. Be civil, IF you can.
> 
> But if you need to go balls to the wall, have it ready and scripted. Do not be trigger-shy.
> 
> Don't start it but be more than happy to end it. Smile when they eat their own homemade.....
> 
> "schit sandwich." Your plan is set.... just do not......"play remember when"


Also......after the D is final, please change your handle to "Righted Wrong"


----------



## syhoybenden

Oh the hell with what she and her mommy don't want to be aired out in public.

Find the nearest billboard to her parents' house that's for rent and put your original post here on it.

Maybe add a "happy family" picture. No names of course.


----------



## oldtruck

Wronged said:


> NMJ, we're already using mediators as it is cheaper and faster. She has been agreeable to a fair split so far.
> 
> I should probably let it go and not let it bother me. I believe it to be reputational damage control by her mom. Basically, MIL is telling people how proud she is of her daughter for doing everything possible as a wife and mother to save her family from the divorce I am insisting on. All the while leaving out the part about my wife having a boyfriend. Seems like a deliberate half truth to me. My wife is begging me to not tell the rest of the story for the sake of our kids because other children can be so mean and she doesn't want them to be picked on for her actions. So I should think of what is best for the kids and keep my mouth shut...


This affair needs to come out. Time for the truth to be told.


----------



## TDSC60

Wronged said:


> NMJ, we're already using mediators as it is cheaper and faster. She has been agreeable to a fair split so far.
> 
> I should probably let it go and not let it bother me. I believe it to be reputational damage control by her mom. Basically, MIL is telling people how proud she is of her daughter for doing everything possible as a wife and mother to save her family from the divorce I am insisting on. All the while leaving out the part about my wife having a boyfriend. Seems like a deliberate half truth to me. *My wife is begging me to not tell the rest of the story for the sake of our kids because other children can be so mean and she doesn't want them to be picked on for her actions. So I should think of what is best for the kids and keep my mouth shut...*


Your kids are first grade and pre-school, right?

I will be a few years before your kids and their peers in school are old enough to fully understand what happened (unless it happened in their home also). 

They certainly will not be gossiping about it in school. 

There are probably lots of children of divorced parents there. Not that unusual these days.

She is just supporting her mother's scenario. It has nothing to do with the kids.


----------



## SunCMars

She wants you to keep quiet for her own selfish reasons.

1) One reason is so that she can still hold her head high, in most places, and most of the time.
2) Another is to be able to latch onto another man who hopefully will not find out she had cheated before.

Word gets around...quickly.

Who wants to marry a known cheater?





[THM]- Nemesis


----------



## GoldenR

Tell her you will stay quiet....


If her mom apologizes to you. In person. And it needs to be sincere.


----------



## StillSearching

“When you have something to say, silence is a lie.” 
“If you don't say what you think then you kill your unborn self.” 
“You don't get to choose not to pay a price, you only get to choose which price you pay” 

Air it out. 
Shine a light on the darkness. 
Pay the price of your choosing, not hers.


----------



## bandit.45

Wronged said:


> NMJ, we're already using mediators as it is cheaper and faster. She has been agreeable to a fair split so far.
> 
> I should probably let it go and not let it bother me. I believe it to be reputational damage control by her mom. Basically, MIL is telling people how proud she is of her daughter for doing everything possible as a wife and mother to save her family from the divorce I am insisting on. All the while leaving out the part about my wife having a boyfriend. Seems like a deliberate half truth to me. My wife is begging me to not tell the rest of the story for the sake of our kids because other children can be so mean and she doesn't want them to be picked on for her actions. So I should think of what is best for the kids and keep my mouth shut...


Send a msg to your MIL and WW. Tell them that mom better shut her piehole or you will be more than happy to spread the news like grass seed about what a tramp her daughter is. It is her choice: "trap shut or watch what is left of your daughter's rep get flushed down the sinkhole of public opinion. I'm not going to stand idly by and allow you to spread lies about me or smear my name."


----------



## Marc878

Wronged, I get your wanting this over ASAP. Play nice until the ink is dry.

If you really want to move on full this will probably be your best path 

*No Contact method*
This works BTW I know 3 of which 2 have young kids who use this method.
Never answer a phone call direct. Let it go to voicemail. Respond by text if needed, if not ignore. I think you'll find a lot can be ignored. Always ask yourself does this need a response before anything else. Resposes should be civil and brief.

Zero shared holidays, birthdays etc. expect to get the guilt trip "do it for the kids". That's BS they blew up the family.

Pickups/drop offs should be 3 minutes with zero engagement. Get it done and LEAVE

Block all social media and that includes *her family* as well. Leave no door open.

It's a form of Grey Rocking and it works if fully applied. You have your time and she has hers. You can only control your side.

It will normalize over time. All three I know say it was the best thing they could've done.

This will get keep you out of any type of disagreements or arguments.


----------



## Imajerk17

I agree--play nice until D is final. Get Yourself Out Of Infidelity ASAP.

Even if you shoot that lie from STBX-MIL down, she and WW will come up with another whopper of a lie. _'Yeah well maybe she cheated but the reason why is that he [you] were a bad husband/father. She was starved for affection so what could she do' _ And then they will try to justify it by that time in 2013 when you didn't take the trash out or that you didn't mow STBX-MIL's lawn or you were so out of touch that it took you all this time to figure out WW was 'unhappy' or something else nonsensical. This is a game you really have no time for.


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## ABHale

Having the kids father look like complete and utter jackass is not what’s best for the kids. Inform your wife that if your soon to be ex mother-in-law doesn’t shut her miles you will let everyone know why the divorce is happening. You do not need to have your name slandered for the future of yourself and your kids.


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## Marc878

ABHale said:


> Having the kids father look like complete and utter jackass is not what’s best for the kids. Inform your wife that if your soon to be ex mother-in-law doesn’t shut her miles you will let everyone know why the divorce is happening. You do not need to have your name slandered for the future of yourself and your kids.


Yep or wait until everything is signed and then do a full disclosure.

Consequences are a good thing even better if well timed.

I suspect a lot already know the truth.


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## Jasel

Keep in mind the longer your stbxw and stbxmil are allowed to control the narrative the harder it will be for you to correct it later. It's kind of like fresh concrete. Wait long enough and it's just going to be set in a lot of people's minds. Seen that more than enough times. Unless you expose with concrete evidence to enough people.


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## TDSC60

Wronged,

Did you ever follow up about her mother getting her to have an STD test in January? Why would she do that unless there was an STD scare?

I would guess that her mother knew about the affair all along and was coaching and advising her about how to keep you in the dark.

How do you even know it was an STD test? Maybe it was something else.....possibly an affair pregnancy.


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