# Should I just mind my own business?



## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

2 co-workers are having an affair. One has been married for quite some time, she just celebrating her 24th wedding anniversary. The other just suffered the loss of a baby, stillborn, a few months ago.

It's infuriating to me how much they could do this to their SO's. It's also infuriating that we usually have to track them down when they sneak off during work and my partner and myself have to take on their work load. 

I feel like their SO's deserve to know, because I would want someone to tell me if my H were having an affair, I'm just not sure if I would be out of line by doing this. 

Should I expose them anonymously or let them keep digging their own holes?




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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Yes tell them they need to know.!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Tough call ! I would expose them


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Beyond informing their SOs or not, their decision to carry on a workplace affair is unprofessional, likely against company policy and is actively interfering in them doing their work. I'd inform HR in some capacity or your/their boss.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

It's really none of your business and it's passive aggressive to inform anonymously. Why not confront one of them since it is affecting their performance at the job place? Then if they don't cut out the krap, report them to HR or even their SO's.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> Beyond informing their SOs or not, their decision to carry on a workplace affair is unprofessional, likely against company policy and is actively interfering in them doing their work. I'd inform HR in some capacity or your/their boss.


This was brought up between many of us in management and other than them sneaking off for a few minutes at a time, it's not against company policy because they are both in separate departments. 


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> It's really none of your business and it's passive aggressive to inform anonymously. Why not confront one of them since it is affecting their performance at the job place? Then if they don't cut out the krap, report them to HR or even their SO's.


This has been done. Strangely, it only made them comfortable with co-workers knowing that they were dating. 

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LaceyW said:


> 2 co-workers are having an affair. One has been married for quite some time, she just celebrating her 24th wedding anniversary. The other just suffered the loss of a baby, stillborn, a few months ago.
> 
> It's infuriating to me how much they could do this to their SO's. It's also infuriating that we usually have to track them down when they sneak off during work and my partner and myself have to take on their work load.
> 
> ...


It's not morally wrong to expose them. But you may be inviting a lot of drama into your life.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

So expose anonymously is good to avoid drama unto yourself. 

If I have been cheated on, I would like to know.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Thank you very much everyone. This something myself and many others have been contemplating and each of you all have very good points.

Anonymous it is. 


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

LaceyW said:


> Thank you very much everyone. This something myself and many others have been contemplating and each of you all have very good points.
> 
> Anonymous it is.
> 
> ...




Agree
I used to think what people do to screw up their lives is their problem. Then my H cheated and someone told me anonymously. The SO needs to know. IMO if they are flaunting it at work it's just a matter of time before they find out anyhow.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Let us know how it goes


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Before you go to HR, write out the times that were missing / negligent / whatever due to their affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LaceyW said:


> 2 co-workers are having an affair. One has been married for quite some time, she just celebrating her 24th wedding anniversary. The other just suffered the loss of a baby, stillborn, a few months ago.
> 
> It's infuriating to me how much they could do this to their SO's. It's also infuriating that we usually have to track them down when they sneak off during work and my partner and myself have to take on their work load.
> 
> ...


Go to mail.com set up an account with a different name to your own name and email their spouses. Just say you overheard them when they were out boasting about their affairs. 

Do this from a library computer do NOT use your home computer for this.

Also report their absence to management but do NOT reveal their cheating. Just make out you think they are bunking off to go shopping or something similar and ask for extra help to cover for their absences. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What they are doing is

- morally wrong;
- unfair to their SO's;
- against company policy;
- detrimental to your work (and income).

Approaching one of them would be as effective as an ice cube in hell.

The right thing to do would be:

- let HR know what is going on (but make sure you have some proof and preferably the support of other workers like your partner);

- let the SO's know (anonymously if you would like to avoid drama but it might come anyway when you inform HR unless HR is very discrete).

- increase the pressure on them when they sneak off.

Don't even think twice about this - the more good people we have in this world who stand up for what is right the better (although this is a no brainer as they are compromising your income too).


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Yes inform their betrayed spouses, 

If you know their pattern advise the betrayed spouses to wait and catch them in the act.

Advise them about spyware, and looking at phone bills, VARs etc.

Get them the number for a polygraph operator.

If they investigate the affair correctly it will save years of denials and minimization and wasted time.

I really wished someone had done that for me, I think my old boss knew about my W and OM-1, and I also think my W confessed to someone who told her to remain silent.

It's difficult to look at betrayed spouses without feeling a twinge of guilt.

Tamat


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd want the heads up.. no matter how it came.. .. though I probably wouldn't want involved myself -on that other hand...

I just don't have a lot of sympathy for those who sneak around like this.. I sure feel bad for the wife who just lost a full term baby though... OMG! That's a very delicate situation right there...


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Yes, expose, but I would definitely do it anonymously. Spouses have a habit of not believing their spouse is cheating, until they catch it or see it somehow for themselves. I was that spouse at one time, and I wouldn't believe it until it came straight home my (ex) husbands mouth. 

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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Yes, expose, but I would definitely do it anonymously. Spouses have a habit of not believing their spouse is cheating, until they catch it or see it somehow for themselves. I was that spouse at one time, and I wouldn't believe it until it came straight home my (ex) husbands mouth.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk




^^Which is why anonymously telling the BS is usually a big fail IME. It just gives the cheater plausible deniability. The WS will just deny it, write it off as some jealous person trying to cause problems...Otherwise why are they afraid to put their name to the message? The cheater then takes it further underground.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I would and have terminated employees for this type of activity. There is no place for it at work. I refuse to provide a location for the destruction of a family to occur. It is likely that your employer feels the same. 

Their spouses need to know and the employer needs to know. 

Activities like this can only grow in the dark. Splash tons of light on this.


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

kristin2349 said:


> ^^Which is why anonymously telling the BS is usually a big fail IME. It just gives the cheater plausible deniability. The WS will just deny it, write it off as some jealous person trying to cause problems...Otherwise why are they afraid to put their name to the message? The cheater then takes it further underground.


So should she rather do it outright, everyone knowing it's her, and risk possibly being physically hurt or have her job compromised in some way? To begin with, it's really not her business to tell, but if tell she must, then she'd best do so anonymously and not go sticking her neck out, don'tcha think?

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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

I just have a picture of them holding hands walking through the door. 

I'm planning on sending it on Wednesday when I have the time and opportunity to create a throwaway Facebook for the BSs.

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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

But like I said, everyone has very good points and also very good heads on their shoulders which is why I felt like I should ask here.

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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I would do it. If you have a pic of them, even better. If someone is stupid enough to flaunt an affair at work, they are obviously ready to have the consequences thrown at them as well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, SOBEIT

Karma is not a notion.

Karma is not a wish.

Karma is not a Spanish Senorita.

Karma is potential energy.

Karma can be retribution for a wrong committed. We are all the heirs of our own past actions.

Karma releases its potential through sentient beings.

You are Karma, sentient Lacy!

Play your part....as sad as it be. For those that hear "Your Truth" shall forever be wounded, but not by your hand or the SO's, but by The Two Betrayers.

Set the Dominos into motion.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Good girl Lacy! You are absolutely doing the right thing.
Yes the news will be hard to take for their betrayed spouses, but how they handle their relationships will be up to them as long as they know the truth.
You can't feel responsible for the hurt, their a**hole partners are the ones who will be held accountable


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LaceyW said:


> I just have a picture of them holding hands walking through the door.
> 
> I'm planning on sending it on Wednesday when I have the time and opportunity to create a throwaway Facebook for the BSs.


I just want to say, I have a ton of respect for you. You're 100% doing the right thing. I had to do an exposure myself so I know somewhat how you feel.

I wish more people would realize the world would be a BETTER place if turds weren't allowed to operate with impunity. Turning a blind eye is NO different than being an accessory.

I would strongly advise doing this anonymously. Many betrayed do not react well to the news, others will be forever grateful. The response is subject to a large measure of volatility and you need to protect yourself from fallout.

Good luck, please keep us posted.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

are they in open marriages? are they and their spouses part of a swinging group? are their spouses capable of sex? is one of their spouses gay and therefore no longer attracted to their spouse?

mind your own business. your only issue should be how it affects your job until you know a lot more about the situation.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yes you should tell the spouses and send the picture. As others have said, include as much data as you have so that the betrayed spouses can follow up and investigate for themselves.

My only caveat in this is to be 100% sure that there is an affair going on. If there is any chance of a shadow of a doubt, don't tell the spouses. Or tell them you are suspicious and offer some suggestions on how to investigate. It is too serious a situation to get into if you aren't totally sure you know for fact there is an affair going on.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> are they in open marriages? are they and their spouses part of a swinging group? are their spouses capable of sex? is one of their spouses gay and therefore no longer attracted to their spouse?
> 
> mind your own business.


So if you're right, when she anonymously emails them, they will be unsurprised, shrug it off and throw the email in the recycle bin.

No harm, no foul, right? If you're wrong however, OP may have saved a stranger DECADES of misery.

Sounds like a win/win to me. Evil triumphs when good people do nothing.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> are they in open marriages? are they and their spouses part of a swinging group? are their spouses capable of sex? is one of their spouses gay and therefore no longer attracted to their spouse?
> 
> mind your own business. your only issue should be how it affects your job until you know a lot more about the situation.


Let me continue with the questions …

should employees be fvcking each other at work? should they do this while their co-workers expect them to be pulling their fair share of the load? should they be paid to fvck each other? should they be sneaking around behind their open, swinging, impotent other halves?

so mind your own business until your company goes under and/or somebody ends up bringing up someone else's kid unknowingly … (think Borat's voice) NOT!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> are they in open marriages? are they and their spouses part of a swinging group? are their spouses capable of sex? is one of their spouses gay and therefore no longer attracted to their spouse?
> 
> mind your own business. your only issue should be how it affects your job until you know a lot more about the situation.


With respect it is *already* affecting Lacy's job! As she outlined here:


> It's infuriating to me how much they could do this to their SO's. It's also infuriating that we usually have to track them down when they sneak off during work and my partner and myself have to take on their work load.


So it is her business and the business of the management.

Lacy, you are doing the right thing. Please keep us updated.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> I wish more people would realize the world would be a BETTER place if *turds* weren't allowed to operate with impunity.


Especially if the *Turds* are in the intestinal tract, wreaking havoc on the silly-yackers.


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> So if you're right, when she anonymously emails them, they will be unsurprised, shrug it off and throw the email in the recycle bin.
> 
> No harm, no foul, right? If you're wrong however, OP may have saved a stranger DECADES of misery.
> 
> Sounds like a win/win to me. Evil triumphs when good people do nothing.


Absolutely!

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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> Let me continue with the questions …
> 
> should employees be fvcking each other at work? should they do this while their co-workers expect them to be pulling their fair share of the load? should they be paid to fvck each other? should they be sneaking around behind their open, swinging, impotent other halves?
> 
> so mind your own business until your company goes under and/or somebody ends up bringing up someone else's kid unknowingly … (think Borat's voice) NOT!


she also said this:

"This was brought up between many of us in management and other than them sneaking off for a few minutes at a time, it's not against company policy because they are both in separate departments. "

so is everyone else getting bogged down with work or are they sneaking away for a couple of minutes?

i don't think lacey said they were having sex on company time and if the company already said their behavior wasn't an issue, then it isn't.

as for not knowing the whole story, what happens if they are NOT having an affair and lacey goes and tells their spouses they are? you have two marriages which have been thrown into disarray because of someone butting into business that isn't theirs.

we're not the world police here and i realize that some (a lot) of people here have been burned by affairs. but that doesn't mean it's their mission in life to get into other people's business, especially when they don't know the whole story.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

let me add one thing. i look at this from a different viewpoint. i was working at a company and we were extremely busy. i was working until 8 every night along with one woman. since she lived in a rather tough part of town and it was on my way i would driver her home every night. it wasn't long until tongues started wagging about our "affair". i was married and she had a boyfriend. someone dropping a dime to my wife about this "affair" would have meant disaster for my marriage.

people need to learn to mind their own business.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

It sounds to me like they are pretty careless in their discretion, so tell their SOs. It's one thing if they were super good at keeping it a secret and you happened to stumble upon it.. then maybe poking your nose into their business isn't great, but if it's affecting their work and everyone can easily see that they're doing this... then they're begging to be caught.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

*Two comments*

First, what kind of a workplace ethic is there that you would even KNOW that two coworkers are having an affair? I'd be reluctant to keep working there. Work has a social outlet function, but there are some topics that have nothing to do with work and simply shouldn't come up.

Second, yes, you should mind your own business.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> as for not knowing the whole story, what happens if they are NOT having an affair and lacey goes and tells their spouses they are? you have two marriages which have been thrown into disarray because of someone butting into business that isn't theirs.


Well explain this then...



LaceyW said:


> I just have a picture of them holding hands walking through the door.


How many women's hands at work do you hold? I thought so.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Married&Confused said:


> let me add one thing. i look at this from a different viewpoint. i was working at a company and we were extremely busy. i was working until 8 every night along with one woman. since she lived in a rather tough part of town and it was on my way i would driver her home every night. it wasn't long until tongues started wagging about our "affair". i was married and she had a boyfriend. someone dropping a dime to my wife about this "affair" would have meant disaster for my marriage.
> 
> people need to learn to mind their own business.


But your situation was different.

Your wife knew that you and your female coworker were working together 'til 8 each night; so no surprise there.

I assume your wife knew that you gave this lady a ride home?

So, no-one knew anything that your wife didn't.

Did you disappear to the bathroom together for 15 mins. at a time? Did you hold hands on your way out to the parking lot?

So, no incriminating Polaroids (if this was a long time ago), could have been snapped.

Unless your marriage was already VERY fragile; I don't see how your situation had anything to be "revealed". All aboveboard and nothing incriminating; you were fine.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I get the feeling even if OP had a copy of a porn tape they filmed together, M&C would still be telling her to "mind her business"....

I hope he never has to depend on the kindness of a stranger to help him through a bad situation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

@Married&Confused, why would your wife have had issue with what you were doing?? Reporting something that ISN'T an affair could be disastrous. Not reporting something that IS an affair, which this clearly is, is far more destructive.

I think the world would be a lovely place to live if employers fired philandering employees by posting their evidence along with a dismissal notice on the company website, the lunchroom bulletin board, and sending it to the spouses email. There would be far less workplace cheaters if that were the case.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does this site contain a subsection called Mind Your Own Business?

No.

I think this should be moved to Coping With Infidelity because Lacy is coping with infidelity, the infidelity of others.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> A co-worker told me that he (being new) thought me and another coworker were "an item" - dating, whatever. Well , if he told that to my wife, it would have been disastrous, no doubt. He was wrong.


I don't know why you and M&C are throwing out these irrelevant scenarios... If she wasn't 100%, then no one would be telling her to do it. Sounds like she's damn sure to me.

She has PHYSICAL evidence... Photos of them walking around like love birds holding hands. Witnessing them sneaking off to private areas. What more do you want? Condoms in the trash bin that are DNA tested?!? 

Sorry most cheaters don't use protection, apparently soul mates don't have STDs. Let the spouse(s) decide whether they want to know or not. They can be fools and stick their heads in the sand if they choose. Who is she to take away their right to choose whether to know?

Her doing nothing, makes her a defacto accomplice. They shouldn't of put her in that position by flaunting their immoral activities. Blame the crap bag cheaters, not the woman trying to have a clear conscious.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> @Married&Confused, why would your wife have had issue with what you were doing?? Reporting something that ISN'T an affair could be disastrous. Not reporting something that IS an affair, which this clearly is, is far more destructive.
> 
> I think the world would be a lovely place to live if employers fired philandering employees by posting their evidence along with a dismissal notice on the company website, the lunchroom bulletin board, and sending it to the spouses email. There would be far less workplace cheaters if that were the case.


just the insinuation of an affair can be bad. yes my wife knew i was working late, but only because i told her and yes she knew i was giving this woman a ride home. but that doesn't mean an affair could not have happened.

not reporting an affair that IS an affair may or may not be as disastrous but it's still none of her business. they saw them holding hands. big f'ing deal. could the woman had just told the guy about her dying mother and he held her hand in comfort? could he had been actually handing her something?

and @BetrayedDad, yeah a porn tape of the two would convince me, but then again why would OP actually have that???

regardless, unless one knows the ENTIRE story AND it affects them directly (and not in a sense that it makes them uncomfortable like a lot of people in here), IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

I can't think of anything more gutless than informing the SO's anonymously. They are probably having an affair but you don't have proof beyond a reasonable doubt that they are. You really don't know any of the details of their marriages or personal lives so you have no idea if this would be the right thing to do or an incredibly damaging false accusation. It would be a different story if you were a close friend and knew the details. Either get them reprimanded or fired for job performance reasons. Anything else is none of your f**king business. Wow. I'm so glad I don't work in a corporate environment like that...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> OP asked our opinions. I gave mine. You do not agree? Fine. OP can weigh the opinions.


That's all we are doing. You're opinion is as valid as mine. Let the OP decide what's best. I'm making my case, like you are. Nothing more. 



TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> I can't think of anything more gutless than informing the SO's anonymously.


And I can't think of anything more cowardly than doing nothing about it. 

I don't see a problem going anonymous if it is done with benevolent intent and it protects her on the off chance the spouse is mentally unstable. 

Send them the photo and let them ask their spouse why they are holding hands. If it's so "innocent" I'm sure they will have a very reasonable explanation for them.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> We all here can give advice, even bad advice, without consequences because we are anonymous and we won't be personally impacted if our wrong advice is followed. If you are wrong, you can destabilize a marriage.
> 
> Are you absolutely 100% sure they are having an affair? If the answer is yes, then why are you so concerned to help the betrayed spouses yet you won't take any risk by identifying yourself? To make you feel good that you did something helpful? Even if true, maybe some spouses prefer not to know. That fact that most of the betrayed here at TAM (a special audience maybe not indicative of the general population) would want to know does not mean those two spouses want to know.
> 
> Why are you taking picture of coworkers at work? That probably is a violation of company policy more so than what these two are doing.


Really! You are worried about her taking photos!?! And these two are fvcking around on their partners.



LaceyW said:


> 2 co-workers *are* having an affair. One has been married for quite some time, she just celebrating her 24th wedding anniversary. The other just suffered the loss of a baby, stillborn, a few months ago.
> 
> It's infuriating to me how much they could do this to their SO's. It's also infuriating that *we usually have to track them down when they sneak off during work and my partner and myself have to take on their work load. *
> 
> ...


She sounds pretty sure to me.



LaceyW said:


> *I just have a picture of them holding hands walking through the door. *
> 
> I'm planning on sending it on Wednesday when I have the time and opportunity to create a throwaway Facebook for the BSs.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


Well I guess maybe she was scared as some workplaces can be pretty dangerous to walk through alone and she needed him to protect her and hold her hand!!

And the [email protected]'s wife just lost a baby!!!



Married&Confused said:


> let me add one thing. i look at this from a different viewpoint. i was working at a company and we were extremely busy. i was working until 8 every night along with one woman. since she lived in a rather tough part of town and it was on my way i would driver her home every night. it wasn't long until tongues started wagging about our "affair". i was married and she had a boyfriend. *someone dropping a dime to my wife about this "affair" would have meant disaster for my marriage.*
> 
> people need to learn to mind their own business.


Why? Did your wife not know about this ? If not, why not ? If so, then where would be the problem ?

Thank God Abe Lincoln and others like him didn't just "mind his own business" and "look the other way" right ?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> I can't think of anything more gutless than informing the SO's anonymously. They are probably having an affair but you don't have proof beyond a reasonable doubt that they are. You really don't know any of the details of their marriages or personal lives so you have no idea if this would be the right thing to do or an incredibly damaging false accusation. It would be a different story if you were a close friend and knew the details. Either get them reprimanded or fired for job performance reasons. Anything else is none of your f**king business. Wow. I'm so glad I don't work in a corporate environment like that...


I can … working in an environment where two [email protected] are cheating on their other halves (one of whom just lost a full term baby) and not having the guts to expose them and looking the other way (sorry I meant "minding your own business") instead! That, I would say, is pretty gutless! 

So if you saw an old lady being mugged in the street, that would also strictly be none of your business - I mean you never know, maybe she knows kung fu or maybe she wronged the mugger in the recent past and is getting what she deserves!


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's all we are doing. You're opinion is as valid as fine. Let the OP decide what's best. I'm making my case, like you are. Nothing me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hmm. The guy sitting in the cubicle across from me is Middle Eastern and I saw after he went home that he left up a web page about assault weapons on his computer. Maybe I should anonymously call Homeland Security just to be safe. If he's innocent, he'll have a reasonable explanation...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Not irrelevant. This coworker was sure that me and the other were together. He was wrong.
> 
> So what is OP going to do? Go to a library and fire off an anonymous pic or send a text? How does she even have the "betrayed" spouse's email address or phone number?
> 
> ...


But your new co-worker was a new co-worker and didn't know you. So I think your point may not be relevant in regards to this situation.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> Hmm. The guy sitting in the cubicle across from me is Middle Eastern and I saw after he went home that he left up a web page about assault weapons on his computer. Maybe I should anonymously call Homeland Security just to be safe. If he's innocent, he'll have a reasonable explanation...


Why don't you start with HR on that one?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> I can't think of anything more gutless than informing the SO's anonymously. They are probably having an affair but you don't have proof beyond a reasonable doubt that they are. You really don't know any of the details of their marriages or personal lives so you have no idea if this would be the right thing to do or an incredibly damaging false accusation. It would be a different story if you were a close friend and knew the details. Either get them reprimanded or fired for job performance reasons. Anything else is none of your f**king business. Wow. I'm so glad I don't work in a corporate environment like that...


"reasonable doubt" only exists in court cases. And then not in all court cases.

And the OP and her colleague are having to do the work of four people whilst their colleagues get to do "fun" stuff like performing acts of adulterous carnal congress when one of their betrayed spouses is grieving over the loss of their baby?  

What would be said to the BS in that situation if they came to TAM? "Oh, yeah. By chance we already knew of this case, but we told our member in your office to mind her own business?"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The evidence that there IS cheating going on has has been iterated already - I'm not going to go searching for it all to repost it. If you think there's a question about whether they are in fact cheating, then your'e delusional. The person who IS there says they are - that wasn't even up for debate in the first place. The question was what to do about it.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> This is really a tough call either way.
> 
> Ponder this, BD. I have no answer. What if the betrayed spouse IS mentally unstable and upon receiving the anonymous email attacks/kills the wayward spouse ( the one that works with OP). Would OP really have done a benevolent act?


The intent would of been benevolent. That's all that matters. You can't control how life unfolds.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> I can … working in an environment where two [email protected] are cheating on their other halves (one of whom just lost a full term baby) and not having the guts to expose them and looking the other way (sorry I meant "minding your own business") instead! That, I would say, is pretty gutless!
> 
> So if you saw an old lady being mugged in the street, that would also strictly be none of your business - I mean you never know, maybe she knows kung fu or maybe she wronged the mugger in the recent past and is getting what she deserves!


You're drawing huge conclusions here from circumstantial evidence. There is no hard evidence that they are having affair. They probably are but I'm of the opinion that someone who for all intents and purposes a stranger, should not take the drastic action of notifying the spouses without hard evidence.

Also adultery may be immoral but it's not a crime...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Ponder this, BD. I have no answer. What if the betrayed spouse IS mentally unstable and upon receiving the anonymous email attacks/kills the wayward spouse ( the one that works with OP). Would OP really have done a benevolent act?


What if the guy who comes into my store in ten minutes is mentally unstable and decides to break my neck because I make a mistake on his bill??

You can't use the 'what if' scenario as an excuse to do nothing. If you do, you're part of the problem and not part of the solution.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> You're drawing huge conclusions here from circumstantial evidence. There is no hard evidence that they are having affair. They probably are but I'm of the opinion that someone who for all intents and purposes a stranger, should not take the drastic action of notifying the spouses without hard evidence.
> 
> Also adultery may be immoral but it's not a crime...


Actually, under these circumstances it may well involve criminal acts.

Defrauding the employer, for one.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> The intent would of been benevolent. That's all that matters. You can't control how life unfolds.


There is NOTHING benevolent about involving yourself in other people's personal affairs (pun not intended). It may not be a malicious act, but it's NOT benevolent...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> You're drawing huge conclusions here from circumstantial evidence. There is no hard evidence that they are having affair. They probably are but I'm of the opinion that someone who for all intents and purposes a stranger, should not take the drastic action of notifying the spouses without hard evidence.
> 
> Also adultery may be immoral but it's not a crime...


Hard evidence huh? LOL.

The cheaters have stopped even making a secret of it. What 'hard evidence' do you need? Short of the aforementioned porn video of the couple in question, it would be pretty hard to get any harder evidence than there is.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, under these circumstances it may well involve criminal acts.
> 
> Defrauding the employer, for one.


Now you're just full of it..

They either get fired or not. Nobody is going to jail for any of this.

Man, this is what happens when you seek advice about infidelity on this site. Too many scorned spouses...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> You're drawing huge conclusions here from circumstantial evidence. *There is no hard evidence that they are having affair.* They probably are but I'm of the opinion that someone who for all intents and purposes a stranger, should not take the drastic action of notifying the spouses without hard evidence.
> 
> Also adultery may be immoral but it's not a crime...


Actually, you can't make that judgement. Because the only TAM member who knows the full facts, who is on the ground, is convinced that their *is* an affair.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> There is NOTHING benevolent about involving yourself in other people's personal affairs (pun not intended). It may not be a malicious act, but it's NOT benevolent...


Ya, because it's MUCH better to just let the spouses keep on being totally unsuspecting and get an STD and give it to their next baby which dies because of it.

See, I can play the 'what if' game too.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What if the guy who comes into my store in ten minutes is mentally unstable and decides to break my neck because I make a mistake on his bill??
> 
> You can't use the 'what if' scenario as an excuse to do nothing. If you do, you're part of the problem and not part of the solution.


Wow you guys use terrible analogies. The shopkeeper did nothing your example. The mentally unstable person is walking into his store. We're talking about a complete stranger butting into the personal lives of two married couples...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> Now you're just full of it..
> 
> They either get fired or not. Nobody is going to jail for any of this.
> 
> Man, this is what happens when you seek advice about infidelity on this site. Too many scorned spouses...


:nono: I didn't order a 12 inch pizza with a side order of rude comments. You must have the wrong board.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> Wow you guys use terrible analogies. The shopkeeper did nothing your example. The mentally unstable person is walking into his store. We're talking about a complete stranger butting into the personal lives of two married couples...


Fine, so turn it around - the mentally unstable person is behind the counter and the complete stranger walks into the store. Whatever. Maybe you like my STD example better?


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

Hope1964 and MattMatt,

I hear your point but I respectfully disagree. I don't want to get into a p!ssing match over though because I'm not trying to defend adultery. I'm a libertarian and in my opinion there is no place for moral judgment in the workplace. People are there to earn a living and provide for their family. They shouldn't have to be constantly looking over their shoulder, fearing that someone who doesn't morally approve of their actions is going to report them. There are a staggering number of well documented procedures for HR to deal with situations like this. The OP is probably correct that they are having an affair but it's not her place to be judge, jury, and executioner. Imagine if you had 40 coworkers all snooping into each others affairs. If everyone reported every moral impropriety, it would cause many more problems than it solves. Where do you draw the line on morality? She's a slvt... His sexual preference offends me... Her tattoos are offensive. HR is supposed to deal with these things. I suggest the OP should seek advice from HR or at least someone who is good friends with either of the cheaters, but definitely not report anonymously without thinking this through more...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> Hope1964 and MattMatt,
> 
> I hear your point but I respectfully disagree. I don't want to get into a p!ssing match over though because I'm not trying to defend adultery. I'm a libertarian and in my opinion there is no place for moral judgment in the workplace. People are there to earn a living and provide for their family. They shouldn't have to be constantly looking over their shoulder, fearing that someone who doesn't morally approve of their actions is going to report them. There are a staggering number of well documented procedures for HR to deal with situations like this. The OP is probably correct that they are having an affair but it's not her place to be judge, jury, and executioner. Imagine if you had 40 coworkers all snooping into each others affairs. If everyone reported every moral impropriety, it would cause many more problems than it solves. Where do you draw the line on morality? She's a slvt... His sexual preference offends me... Her tattoos are offensive. HR is supposed to deal with these things. I suggest the OP should seek advice from HR or at least someone who is good friends with either of the cheaters, but definitely not report anonymously without thinking this through more...


I couldn't care less about HR knowing or what company policy says about the morality of the situation. I am saying to tell their spouses.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> Hope1964 and MattMatt,
> 
> I hear your point but I respectfully disagree. I don't want to get into a p!ssing match over though because I'm not trying to defend adultery. I'm a libertarian and in my opinion there is no place for moral judgment in the workplace. People are there to earn a living and provide for their family. They shouldn't have to be constantly looking over their shoulder, fearing that someone who doesn't morally approve of their actions is going to report them. There are a staggering number of well documented procedures for HR to deal with situations like this. The OP is probably correct that they are having an affair but it's not her place to be judge, jury, and executioner. Imagine if you had 40 coworkers all snooping into each others affairs. If everyone reported every moral impropriety, it would cause many more problems than it solves. Where do you draw the line on morality? She's a slvt... His sexual preference offends me... Her tattoos are offensive. HR is supposed to deal with these things. I suggest the OP should seek advice from HR or at least someone who is good friends with either of the cheaters, but definitely not report anonymously without thinking this through more...


But expecting colleagues to cover for them by doing extra work whilst they are cheating or just running off to do some shopping is not conducive to a happy and efficient workplace.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I couldn't care less about HR knowing or what company policy says about the morality of the situation. I am saying to tell their spouses.


Why would we suggest this?

Because this website is called Talk About Marriage.

It's not the website of the Moral Relativism Debating Society.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> let me add one thing. i look at this from a different viewpoint. i was working at a company and we were extremely busy. i was working until 8 every night along with one woman. since she lived in a rather tough part of town and it was on my way i would driver her home every night. it wasn't long until tongues started wagging about our "affair". i was married and she had a boyfriend. someone dropping a dime to my wife about this "affair" would have meant disaster for my marriage.
> 
> people need to learn to mind their own business.


Is finding them on security cameras in her vehicle kissing, walking in the doors with arms wrapped around each other, or laughing after almost getting caught by the OW's daughter in the parking lot saying "Omg! That was so close I can't believe we pulled that off!".... of all these things, is this not indicative of an affair? 

I get what you're saying, and again, I came here with this for guidance. Thank you.

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

LaceyW said:


> Is finding them on security cameras in her vehicle kissing, walking in the doors with arms wrapped around each other, or laughing after almost getting caught by the OW's daughter in the parking lot saying "Omg! That was so close I can't believe we pulled that off!".... of all these things, is this not indicative of an affair?
> 
> I get what you're saying, and again, I came here with this for guidance. Thank you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk




See this seals the deal.
They are being Incredibly obvious about this affair and the spouses have a right to know.
The spouses probably have an idea anyway..this would just confirm it.



Sent from my iPhone


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

What you YOU hoping to achieve by disclosing their affair?

Why do you think YOU should be the one to do it?

The spouses may not thank you for telling them. Be ready. Also, you are going to get a reputation in your workplace for being the sort that will rat on a colleague. This will also impact your career. Get ready for this also. Not everyone will think well of you. Many will think you are simply a busybody.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Some people just love to be the centre of the drama...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sapientia said:


> Some people just love to be the centre of the drama...


Is that fair?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

@blueinbr
Definitely wasn't me.
I was sent an email anonymously about my H affair and it was the best thing anyone could have done.
Yes it sucked at the time but confirmed what I already knew and what these two spouses probably know as well.



Sent from my iPhone


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I might be mixing you up with someone else, but my memory has you posting in another thread (now deleted) stating NOT to tell the spouse. It was a special and not common situation, but still a valid post.
> 
> *I am not singling you out. * Just want to make a point that if the OP had MORE information about the situation, she might make a different decision.
> 
> ...


I think that you are singling Lacey out. And I think you are wrong to do so.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

No you don't need to apologize for having an opinion...
The problem with TAM is that we project based o. What we've been through
I can see why you would take the opposite side .
Anyway back to the issue at hand...OP is the only one who can decide.


Sent from my iPhone


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I disagree. OP has a VERY difficult decision. She will need the wisdom of Solomon to make the decision, or find that right argument that CLEARLY pushes her towards one side or the other.
> 
> They could be cheating, or they couples could have a open marriage. Or the betrayed spouse could have cancer. Does she need to now know her H is cheating on her? Maybe it is a revenge affair. Maybe, if, what about, etc.
> 
> I have overstayed here. OP, good luck with your decision. I do not envy you. But whatever happens, YOU must take responsibility for your role in any outcome should you decide to report to the spouse only what you saw.


She has yet to answer my questions. Is she the direct supervisor of these individuals and there is a concern about their work performance?

I know of one situation like this in partnership where this needed to be dealt with. It is most appropriately handled by someone in a position of high authority in the company. Unless the OP is a senior leader in the business, and I have my doubts based on the rationalization of the arguments, then this is best taken to HER superior and the leadership should take care of whatever needs handling. If they won't then the leadership is weak but that should not be her concern.

She is mixing her personal experience and feelings with professional judgement that may not be hers to make. That is simply a bad idea. She is assuming that, because SHE was cheated on, that someone else will thank her for it. That may or may not be the case and even so, as I say there WILL be career consequences for getting involved. Guaranteed.

Take my advice or not, up to you and good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sapientia said:


> She has yet to answer my questions. Is she the direct supervisor of these individuals and there is a concern about their work performance?
> 
> I know of one situation like this in partnership where this needed to be dealt with. It is most appropriately handled by someone in a position of high authority in the company. Unless the OP is a senior leader in the business, and I have my doubts based on the rationalization of the arguments, then this is best taken to HER superior and the leadership should take care of whatever needs handling. If they won't then the leadership is weak but that should not be her concern.
> 
> ...


But whilst "Love's Young Dream" bunk off, Lacey and her colleague get to cover for them and do their work.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> But whilst "Love's Young Dream" bunk off, Lacey and her colleague get to cover for them and do their work.


I'm not following your point. If my staff have a colleague who is skipping out of work, whether for shopping, extended lunch or afternoon delight, and they are "covering" for him or her, I am just a pissed at them for not coming to me with the problem.

It is MY responsibility as the leader to deal with the problem worker. It is also my responsibility to not impact my other staff.

I hope that I am a respected enough person to work for that my staff feel comfortable coming to me with the issue.

Do you see the distinction here? If Lacey (?) makes this about her errant colleague potentially affecting HER OWN work performance, things are far more likely to go well for her. Sure, she can mention the reason in passing (that her colleague is seeing another work colleague), but she would be wise to avoid making that the primary reason, or passing judgement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sapientia said:


> I'm not following your point. If my staff have a colleague who is skipping out of work, whether for shopping, extended lunch or afternoon delight, and they are "covering" for him or her, I am just a pissed at them for not coming to me with the problem.
> 
> It is MY responsibility as the leader to deal with the problem worker. It is also my responsibility to not impact my other staff.
> 
> I hope that I am a respected enough person to work for that my staff feel comfortable coming to me with the issue.


I have been in situations when the manager just liked to "get along to get along."

And another manager who loved the extra salary but who refused to do any of the icky stuff of, you know, actually managing anything or anyone?


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> But expecting colleagues to cover for them by doing extra work whilst they are cheating or just running off to do some shopping is not conducive to a happy and efficient workplace.


I agree. And thus report to HR and bosses and they get reprimanded or fired...


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I have been in situations when the manager just liked to "get along to get along."
> 
> And another manager who loved the extra salary but who refused to do any of the icky stuff of, you know, actually managing anything or anyone?


One has nothing to do with the other. That's weak management. You still should not meddle in other people's personal affairs. TAM seems divided on this matter but since it only takes one whistle blower to ruin a work environment, this is yet another reminder why I quit the corporate world 13 years ago and never looked back. This whole thing reminds me of the movie Office Space except that it isn't a comedy...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here is a thought experiment.

If either or both of the Betrayed Spouses in this situation came to TAM asking for help and they found the "Tell the Betrayed Spouse" and the "Mind your own business" comments, which comments would you think the Betrayed Spouses would favour? And why?

And what advice would you give to the Betrayed Spouses involved?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Yes, but you can control the role you play in the drama. Intent means little when someone is dead. The drunk did not intend to kill the little girl.


Drunk driving is not a benevolent act nor is any type of negligence intended to be.

It's ridiculous you would even equate the two. Just weak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Drunk driving is not a benevolent act nor is any type of negligence intended to be.
> 
> It's ridiculous you would even equate the two. Just weak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But reporting a colleague who was a drunk driver would be a benevolent act, wouldn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> It goes both ways. If a wayward came to TAM and explained their situation, it is possible (actually happened here in at least one thread) that some posters will say NOT to tell.
> 
> In any case, that is for the wayward or the betrayed to make that call, not the busybody coworker.
> 
> I will concede that in many cases, probably a majority, reporting this to spouses will be the "right" thing, but certainly not in all cases. I still am a believer that the reporter (snitch, anonymous person, etc) needs to have some standing - a friend, a relative, or at least knows the affected betrayed spouses. At least a person that knows a little more of the situation to BE SURE it is the right thing.


This.

I'd stay out of it, as a coworker ...you can't possibly know everything going on with these people outside of work. They should be fired, though, if their behavior has been proven to be affecting their work in a bad way.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> But reporting a colleague who was a drunk driver would be a benevolent act, wouldn't it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here we go again... Drunk driving is a felony. Adultery is not even a misdemeanor. How many more terrible analogies in this thread...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Take the whole work situation out of the question. The question was would you tell the spouses? Not would you tell their boss or HR dept.

I really like the idea of telling them that you're going to send evidence to the spouses and letting them do the right thing. But, sadly, many people would still not do the right thing.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I can't believe there are pages of people arguing back and forth on this.

This is a moral issue first, and a company issue second. Their job performance is not primary issue for God's sake, and it is thus not the responsibility of the OP's supervisors to address the actual issue. Which is, them having an affair.

To the OP, I think you should expose them to their spouses, as I believe you are already planning on doing. Then, if their work performance is that big of an issue, you can go to your boss and file a complaint that their romps in the parking lot are forcing you to do their work.

I would caution you against sending pictures, unless you know what the laws are in your state about recording someone without their consent. I would just describe the situation to their spouses, present what you have seen, and what others have seen, and let the spouses take it from there.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I think the world would be a lovely place to live if employers fired philandering employees by posting their evidence along with a dismissal notice on the company website, the lunchroom bulletin board, and sending it to the spouses email. There would be far less workplace cheaters if that were the case.


If that happens, who will teach the children, heal the ill and sell products?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Some unbelievable comments so far …

Lets see …

*What if one of the BS's was mentally unstable and killed the WS:*

Well if this mentally unstable BS found out about the affair, they would kill the WS anyway and would come after all who knew at work and kill them too (see how this works …)

*What if they are not having an affair:*

As already mentioned this is not up for debate - the OP has not stated maybe but definitely

*People come to work to not be morally judged:*

How about people come to work not to fvck other employees AND the workplace likes to hire good people not just at their skills but behaviour too

*Why are the OP and others spying on these a$$holes instead of doing their work:*

OP already confirmed that she and her colleagues have to pick up the slack for these a$$holes.

*OP could get fired for taking photos of colleagues at work:*

This is clutching at straws simply to continue some kind of argument on this forum. Makes me wonder if some of the naysayers have something to be guilty/afraid of themselves - wonder what they get up to at work.

*The middle eastern work colleague looked up assault weapons on his screen at work:*

Firstly, many would not recognise a real middle easterner from a Punjabi from a tanned Mediterranean if they fell on them.
Secondly, why is this guy looking up stuff like this on a work computer instead of working.
Thirdly, this is not the same as knowing two [email protected] are fvcking and cheating on their wives (and on work time too). One looked up a picture - the other fvcked another persons spouse on work time.
Lastly, as suggested, perhaps HR should know about this or will we be reading about another massacre on the news soon.

*Maybe the BS's are gay or incapable of having sex:*

So …. cheating at work is still bad - nothing changes. Deal with this by way of an open marriage or get divorced - and not on work time!

*And finally attacking TAM as a bunch of scorned BS's:*

I will continue to remind all that this is still the most successful site on dealing with infidelity out there. Most of the other sites sicken me with how they ask BS's to take it up the scheister and say thank you very much, may I have another! Granted that we all have opinions but there is no call to attack TAM. If anyone doesn't like it, they should fvck off somewhere else. 

OP, this debate is ridiculous. If these two are indeed fvcking (see I don't try and sugar coat it with "having an affair" or are "intimate") and doing some of this on work time then that is reason enough. The fact that there are betrayed spouses involved makes it morally right too. And I think you know this, else you would not be here. 

By the way, did I understand correctly that you and your colleagues who know about this are in management. If that is the case, then you may be contractually bound to expose this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> Here we go again... Drunk driving is a felony. Adultery is not even a misdemeanor. How many more terrible analogies in this thread...


Reporting a drunk driver may very well stop a felony fro occuring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Some unbelievable comments so far …
> 
> Lets see …
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I agree! Some of the comments have been truly sickening.

Accusing Lacey of being a snitch? :wtf:

And raising so many bogus points?

Makes me wonder why some people are actually bothering to come to TAM in the first place. 

Some of the remarks sound like the kind of cheater justifications found on the old Doc C**l pro cheater website before he shut it down because he could not stand the stench of self-entitlement and self-justification there.

Some of the comments are, indeed, clutching at straws. Others have been incredibly negative and belittling of Lacey, who came to us with a legitimate concern on infidelity. Some comments have started to attack all TAM members in general, as you say, @manfromlamancha. 

Some comments seem so over the top in their rudeness that they might gain the attention of a moderator.

I cannot understand why some people seem to be so pro the cheaters?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> A co-worker told me that he (being new) thought me and another coworker were "an item" - dating, whatever.  Well , if he told that to my wife, it would have been disastrous, no doubt. He was wrong.


Yes, he was wrong.

But, just another perspective here, maybe this new guy; with his fresh eyes-----saw some chemistry between you two, that you were too far in to see clearly anymore.

IOW, his insight gave you the warning to maybe not spend as much time, or go out to lunch with; or whatever, with your female colleague.

---------------------------------------------------

I am 49% "don't get involved", and I am 51% for "get involved".

And the reason is STI's. I noticed this from @blueinbr's TIME magazine post:



> Forgetting the STD issue for now, read the last sentence.



Lol, there's absolutely no way to forget STI's. If my husband cheats on me with one or more women, and they are having sex with other men/women----eventually someone is going to catch something. Remember the caveat, "you've had sex with every person that your sexual partner has had sex with"

So then my cheating husband would come home and deposit whatever he may have picked up into my vagina or mouth. No thank-you very much. It is disgusting to think of it. And it goes beyond disrespect for one human being to knowingly expose someone that they supposedly "love" to such a danger.
*
I'd want someone to tell me that I was at risk*. Therefore, if I'd want someone to tell me, then I have to be willing to help someone else out who's in the same danger.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Yes, he was wrong.
> 
> But, just another perspective here, maybe this new guy; with his fresh eyes-----saw some chemistry between you two, that you were too far in to see clearly anymore.
> 
> ...


Oh, yeah. "Let's just forget about the STIs, huh?"

I am with *you*, @notmyrealname4. Let's *not* forget about the STIs!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Take the whole work situation out of the question. The question was would you tell the spouses? Not would you tell their boss or HR dept.


Thank you I was just about to post the same thing.

I would tell anonymously. I have a hard time with those who say telling anonymously is lame. Who cares? ??!! Affairs are lame. All I know is I would want someone to tell me. If it was anonymous it would plant the seed of suspicion and I would go from there. 

The threat of STDS alone . . .! If I had 100% proof, I would tell. Anonymously.


Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Taking work out of this makes an entirely different situation. If OP is a friend or relative or knows the betrayed spouses, then YES she should tell. I never disputed that.
> 
> But WORK is the critical factor here. She is none of the above.
> 
> ...


Is she "*friends*" with the two cheating coworkers? 

Let's see... on a scale of 1 to 100 exactly how relevant is that?:scratchhead:

I would log that as a relevancy factor of minus 100.

Maybe they are two entitled people who alienate colleagues, rather than make friends?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Of course it is very relevant. Should OP want down here street and look for any signs of cheating and report it.
> 
> If OP saw the owner/CEO of her company doing this, would she report it? Of course not. Then what about a senior VP? Or a VP? Or a senior manager? But she feels that she can report on the less powerful people and get away with it without affecting her. Now THAT is moral relativism.
> 
> *Now I am putting words in OP's mouth and could be wrong*, but I doubt it.


That part of your post I can agree with.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i think we've all been trolled.

op first tells the story and how badly it impacts work, then changes it to sneaking off for a few minutes.

she then says she saw them and took a picture. now she says it's on security cameras. why wasn't that mentioned from the get-go? and just who gets access to security cameras? and in the parking lot? and who makes out in a parking lot that's small enough to be covered by cameras?

it's been fun and interesting to see all the different sides but again, we've been had.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> i think we've all been trolled.
> 
> op first tells the story and how badly it impacts work, then changes it to sneaking off for a few minutes.
> 
> ...


It is against the rules to accuse other TAM members of being a troll on the board.

That is what the Report button is for.


----------



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

if you consider what i said a "personal attack" against op, then you're right and i apologize for breaking the rules. but doubting the veracity of a story isn't against the rules.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> i think we've all been trolled.
> 
> op first tells the story and how badly it impacts work, then changes it to sneaking off for a few minutes.
> 
> ...


I am not sure that this is the case! We may have been trolled or we may not have.

The OP came here saying these two were having an affair. Not maybe, but definitely. She asked whether she should inform on them and that by the way, they were doing this on company time too.

Then many naysayers told her to mind her own business and even questioned if she really knew for sure that they were having an affair. Others told her to get proof. So she got some proof - the picture.

Then others berated her for saying that wasn't good proof and that she shouldn't be taking pictures of anyone at work and that she may still be mistaken - that there was no proof.

She then pointed out that there was plenty of proof around e.g. the security cameras etc.

Then others called her a troll!

So even if she is one, I cannot understand the mentality of if they are cheating at work let it go if they are not friends of yours or family members. That is, don't bother with doing the right thing.

And even if a CEO (with a wife who just lost a baby after carrying it to full term, so clearly she could have sex and wasn't gay) was fvcking another woman at the company who just "celebrated" her 24th wedding anniversary, it should be outed - no question. With the CEO it would be even worse because he is in a position of power!

Try and understand where you are - you are on a marriage advice forum in a section that deals with infidelity and what to do about it. Infidelity against you or anyone for that matter. And ignoring it is not good advice.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people.


In a nut shell, his rational is, "ignorance is bliss." This is the concept you agree with?

Would YOU rather not know if your wife was fvcking some guys brains so you could not be upset about it? 

The author you quoted is a stupid fool with his head in the sand. OP has no guilt to ease nor is morality an "abstract concept".

Well maybe for cheaters it's a "gray area". After all, how can it be wrong when it feels so good! Just wow.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> if you consider what i said a "personal attack" against op, then you're right and i apologize for breaking the rules. but doubting the veracity of a story isn't against the rules.


Actually, putting it in the way you did is against the rules.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am not sure that this is the case! We may have been trolled or we may not have.
> 
> The OP came here saying these two were having an affair. Not maybe, but definitely. She asked whether she should inform on them and that by the way, they were doing this on company time too.
> 
> ...


the "troll" part aside, it's still none of her business unless she knows all the facts. she conveniently added the security camera info when her argument was too weak to stand on its own.

the fact is that what two consenting adults do is their business. any impact on the business has already been addressed by that business. and i'm not saying having an affair and cheating is ok. it's just not her business to get involved. "doing the right thing" is minding her own business.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> the "troll" part aside, it's still none of her business unless she knows all the facts. she conveniently added the security camera info when her argument was too weak to stand on its own.
> 
> the fact is that what two consenting adults do is their business. any impact on the business has already been addressed by that business. and i'm not saying having an affair and cheating is ok. it's just not her business to get involved. "doing the right thing" is minding her own business.


For goodness sake! Stop with the troll nonsense!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> In certain very limited situations, the answer is YES. And before you call me a stupid fool or idiot (ok with that, I take no offense), I am not saying this as something purely theoretical, but through actual experience.


I think the author is a stupid fool. I think you are misguided though I'm sure you feel the same about me. We each bring our own biases to the table especially when moral issues are presented where there is no definitive solution.

And you didn't answer my second question. Would YOU rather not be told if your wife was in a work place affair? Barring any "2 months to live", or the like, radical hypothetical situations.


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> let me add one thing. i look at this from a different viewpoint. i was working at a company and we were extremely busy. i was working until 8 every night along with one woman. since she lived in a rather tough part of town and it was on my way i would driver her home every night. it wasn't long until tongues started wagging about our "affair". i was married and she had a boyfriend. someone dropping a dime to my wife about this "affair" would have meant disaster for my marriage.
> 
> people need to learn to mind their own business.


On a sidenote, maybe you should've told your wife what you were doing for the woman. Because, accountability, you know? Which, if that's something of the case with this OP'S situation, then probably the 2 people should be telling their significant others about it, because, accountability. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> We all here can give advice, even bad advice, without consequences because we are anonymous and we won't be personally impacted if our wrong advice is followed. If you are wrong, you can destabilize a marriage.
> 
> Are you absolutely 100% sure they are having an affair? If the answer is yes, then why are you so concerned to help the betrayed spouses yet you won't take any risk by identifying yourself? To make you feel good that you did something helpful? Even if true, maybe some spouses prefer not to know. That fact that most of the betrayed here at TAM (a special audience maybe not indicative of the general population) would want to know does not mean those two spouses want to know.
> 
> Why are you taking picture of coworkers at work? That probably is a violation of company policy more so than what these two are doing.


OP said they disappear TOGETHER into the BATHROOM and that OP has pictures of them holding hands. I think it's pretty safe to say they're bumping uglies.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> OP said they disappear TOGETHER into the BATHROOM and that OP has pictures of them holding hands. I think it's pretty safe to say they're bumping uglies.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


op never said they disappeared into the bathroom, did she?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Married&Confused said:


> ambulance.girl5 said:
> 
> 
> > OP said they disappear TOGETHER into the BATHROOM and that OP has pictures of them holding hands. I think it's pretty safe to say they're bumping uglies.
> ...


Not that I read.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> I still like the idea of telling the "cheaters" that the pictures will be sent to their spouses in one week.


until one of them goes to hr, regardless of whether or not it's true, and files a complaint for harassment, blackmail and stalking, especially when hr already told her it wasn't a problem.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> If the solution was so cut and dry, the OP would not have needed to ask for advice. Yes, this is an advice forum and different people can give different advice. You disagree with some posts. Fine.
> 
> It this solution fit ALL scenarios, we can just shut down the reply option and just post of a list of instructions for those coming here to seek help. *Coworker cheating? Report him. Coworker cheating on wife that has 2 months to live? Report him. Any coworker or anyone you see ever anywhere cheating? Report him. *
> 
> ...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> the "troll" part aside, it's still none of her business unless she knows all the facts. she conveniently added the security camera info when her argument was too weak to stand on its own.
> 
> the fact is that what two consenting adults do is their business. any impact on the business has already been addressed by that business. and i'm not saying having an affair and cheating is ok. it's just not her business to get involved. "doing the right thing" is minding her own business.


See this is where I don't think some of you get it - it is very much her business to help stop infidelity if she can especially when it wrecks lives and families!

Just like if you see some one mugging an old lady that you don't know it is the right thing to do to report it, stop it if you can, get help whatever. Pretending that its none of your business and turning a blind eye is wrong!

The disruption to the business is secondary - I couldn't give two fvcks what happens to the business - as a business manager she might but as a human she should expose these POS's.

And I don't think her argument was weak - it was very straightforward - these two are fvcking - how do we know - many ways apart from seeing them run off for a few minutes to be with each other several times, the openly show affection and intimacy to each other and are comfortable that colleagues know so long as spouses don't. Its when the nay sayers here start with "ah, but did you see his penis in her vagina" that she reminds them that there are other more "recorded" sources of evidence. The evidence she was getting was to give to the BS's - admirable thing to do!!! And what do some of us tell her - you will get fired for taking pictures of [email protected] at work. And I bet you wouldn't do it if the [email protected] was the boss!

You are lucky (I hope) that a boss wasn't fvcking your wife every which way but loose and you were in the dark when she came home and gave you sloppy seconds. Then I bet you would want to know and wouldn't want her to "mind her business".


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> until one of them goes to hr, regardless of whether or not it's true, and files a complaint for harassment, blackmail and stalking, *especially when hr already told her it wasn't a problem.*



HR hasn't been told yet so where did you get "wasn't a problem". 

In response to 



TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> It's really none of your business and it's passive aggressive to inform anonymously. *Why not confront one of them since it is affecting their performance at the job place?* Then if they don't cut out the krap, report them to HR or even their SO's.


OP replied with this



LaceyW said:


> *This has been done.* Strangely, it only made them comfortable with co-workers knowing that they were dating.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


meaning they confronted them but the [email protected] felt comfortable that co-workers of theirs knew about it. 

This is Walmart we are talking about and they have a lot to lose if HR behaved like this!!!!


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> HR hasn't been told yet so where did you get "wasn't a problem".


post #6:

"This was brought up between many of us in management and other than them sneaking off for a few minutes at a time, it's not against company policy because they are both in separate departments. "


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> See this is where I don't think some of you get it - it is very much her business to help stop infidelity if she can especially when it wrecks lives and families!
> 
> Just like if you see some one mugging an old lady that you don't know it is the right thing to do to report it, stop it if you can, get help whatever. Pretending that its none of your business and turning a blind eye is wrong!
> 
> ...


it is NOT her business to stop infidelity. does she stand outside the "NoTell Motel" and record couples going in there? no she doesn't. why not??? if it's her business to stop infidelity i'm sure that's a good place to start.

look... you (and others) compare reporting or stopping crimes to a moral situation, one that op has made several assumptions about yet can't know the whole story. does cheating suck? yes. is it affecting her job directly? according to hr is isn't. does it bother op?obviously it does, but that is her problem. 

i'm an alcoholic and i don't enjoy being around people drinking. do i run around knocking drinks out of hands because of my discomfort? no i don't.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

I wonder if the dissension here is because adultery is not a legal crime anymore, in Western societies.

If you were shopping at a store, and you saw someone shoplift; would you tell management? It is a crime. Or would that make you a snitch? If the store detectives and security cameras don't catch them; they'll get away with it. You've aided and abetted a crime.

Adultery is no longer much of a factor in most U.S. states as far as divorce settlements go: "no fault divorce" Sorry to U.K. participants, I don't know what it is in other parts of the Western world.

Is that what makes people reluctant to take action?

-------------------------

Lacey stated that this couple disappeared for a few minutes at a time. I assumed this meant their allowed break interval (approx. 15 mins). And I figured they must be going to a private area (the bathroom??), if they "disappeared".

Those were assumptions I drew from the info. in the posts. I could be wrong; sorry if I started any confusion or misinformation.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> look... you (and others) compare reporting or stopping crimes to a moral situation, one that op has made several assumptions about yet can't know the whole story. does cheating suck? yes. is it affecting her job directly? according to hr is isn't. does it bother op?obviously it does, but that is her problem.


What about you my friend? 

Suppose you wife has been getting railed daily in the bathroom by some scumbag working the sporting goods section at Walmart. Holding hands with him while professing their undying love and shamelessly flaunting it to other coworkers. Only people who know about it are obviously the other employees.

Would you want one of them to tell you or would you rather be "spared" being upset by the information?


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> op never said they disappeared into the bathroom, did she?


Well not in the original post, but later in the feed she did.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i think there's two points of contention.

the first is whether, based on her limited knowledge, should lacey expose them. even catching them "in flagrante delicto" she still wouldn't know whether or not permission was given by spouses for whatever reason. and letting a spouse know when the spouse had granted permission puts the spouse in an embarrassing situation.

the second issue is whether or not it's her business, assuming the work-related issue has been settled. does being a co-worker entitle her to approach a spouse with suspicions? would she report a co-worker to a spouse if she saw him buying a hundred dollars of lottery tickets and was under the assumption they couple had money problems? would it be ok if it were a friend instead of a co-worker? a relative instead of a friend? a sibling instead of a relative? at what point are you allowed to butt into someone else's personal, legal business?


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

If the OP does send the pics anonymously, she definitely needs to wipe them clear of any of her devices...just in case. Send, and then wash your hands of it...literally.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Well not in the original post, but later in the feed she did.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


i think it was an other poster that said it, not lacey.

i think post #40 was the only place bathroom was mentioned.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> If the OP does send the pics anonymously, she definitely needs to wipe them clear of any of her devices...just in case. Send, and then wash your hands of it...literally.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


why? in case she's totally wrong? in case she doesn't want to get involved. gee... let's toss this bomb into the crowd but i'll wipe my fingerprints off it first.

if you want the participants in this alleged affair to be responsible, why shouldn't lacey be responsible?


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> i think it was an other poster that said it, not lacey.
> 
> i think post #40 was the only place bathroom was mentioned.


Ahh ues, yes, I see now. My bad.


Married&Confused said:


> i think we've all been trolled.
> 
> op first tells the story and how badly it impacts work, then changes it to sneaking off for a few minutes.
> 
> ...



Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> why? in case she's totally wrong? in case she doesn't want to get involved. gee... let's toss this bomb into the crowd but i'll wipe my fingerprints off it first.
> 
> if you want the participants in this alleged affair to be responsible, why shouldn't lacey be responsible?


Because Lacey is doing nothing WRONG. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Because Lacey is doing nothing WRONG.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


then why delete any traces of her sending the email?


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> then why delete any traces of her sending the email?


Hellooooo...because the CHEATERS aren't likely to see it as her doing nothing wrong, and would likely retaliate. She has every right to protect herself.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> She has every right to protect herself.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


more than anyone else has the right to privacy in their personal affairs ("affairs" used in a general sense here.)


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> more than anyone else has the right to privacy in their personal affairs ("affairs" used in a general sense here.)


Uhh, it's not private, in case you didn't catch that from the OP. It's apparently VERY public at work. So their "privacy" went right out the window when they flaunted it in front of everyone at work.

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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Uhh, it's not private, in case you didn't catch that from the OP. It's apparently VERY public at work. So their "privacy" went right out the window when they flaunted it in front of everyone at work.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


it's still their private business.


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> it's still their private business.


That's YOUR opinion dear. Mine happens to be different because I have BEEN the one cheated on and would have loved for someone to have told me sometime within the year it took me to find out myself.

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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> it's still their private business.


It really isn't if they choose to take it public at work. Seriously. If you're in an affair, you HAVE to know that someone somewhere will possibly tell your spouse. 

In this case, they can't claim "private affair" because, well, it's not private. I don't know why people seem to think they can do whatever they want without consequences. 

If you saw someone making fun of (or bullying) another person on the street for a deformity they had, would you interfere? It's not illegal to bully someone, but the emotional scars it leaves are deep. I guess the bully could sit there and say, "mind your own business, this is private." It's still wrong and someone should still say something. In fact, it's encouraged. 

Cheating does the same emotional damage to many people. It's one of the most horrible things you can do to a person. So, how is this any different?

If someone is mistaken, and an affair is not taking place, what's the harm done? The spouse could easily prove they are not in an affair if there is nothing to hide, right?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> i think there's two points of contention.
> 
> the first is whether, based on her limited knowledge, should lacey expose them. even catching them "in flagrante delicto" she still wouldn't know whether or not permission was given by spouses for whatever reason. and letting a spouse know when the spouse had granted permission puts the spouse in an embarrassing situation.
> 
> the second issue is whether or not it's her business, assuming the work-related issue has been settled. does being a co-worker entitle her to approach a spouse with suspicions? would she report a co-worker to a spouse if she saw him buying a hundred dollars of lottery tickets and was under the assumption they couple had money problems? would it be ok if it were a friend instead of a co-worker? a relative instead of a friend? a sibling instead of a relative? at what point are you allowed to butt into someone else's personal, legal business?


Another "objector" who refuses to answer the question and dances around the issue. Pretty damning with regard to the validity of your "privacy" arguments I'd say.

Let's try this one more time....



BetrayedDad said:


> Would you want one of them to tell you (if YOUR spouse was cheating) or would you rather be "spared" being upset by the information?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> That's YOUR opinion dear. Mine happens to be different because I have BEEN the one cheated on and would have loved for someone to have told me sometime within the year it took me to find out myself.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


and what you're saying is that your biases and beliefs need to be forced upon others, right? that's no better than someone who has had multiple affairs coming in here and saying "affairs are great... let them go at it".

i realize that peoples' past will shape their opinions. you and lacey have a right to say "their affair is wrong" but you don't have the right to interfere unless there's a direct effect on you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Married&Confused said:


> it's still their private business.


No, it's not. If they're doing this crap in the public eye (yes, I consider the workplace public), then it's everyone's business, frankly.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> Another "objector" who refuses to answer the question and dances around the issue. Pretty damning with regard to the validity of your "privacy" arguments I'd say.
> 
> Let's try this one more time....


what am i dancing around? privacy is privacy. she has no right, other than how it affects her job, to stick her nose in her co-worker's business or mine. i would not want her to approach me, especially not knowing the entire story, which she doesn't.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> No, it's not. If they're doing this crap in the public eye (yes, I consider the workplace public), then it's everyone's business, frankly.


no it's not. it's the business's issue and they already said there is no issue. seriously... where does the invasion of privacy end???


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> *i would not want her to approach me, *especially not knowing the entire story, which she doesn't.


Right. Because after all they could be wife swappers or swingers or what other absurd justification did you give? I can't keep track.

Make sure you have that talk with your spouse then. You know the, "If you mess around on me I don't want to know, okay honey?" speech. 

I'm sure it'll earn you a ton of respect.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> no it's not. it's the business's issue and they already said there is no issue. seriously... where does the invasion of privacy end???


*Just about* anything you do outside your private home is essentially in public. If you're flaunting your affair at work where ANYONE at work can see it....it's public.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Married&Confused said:


> no it's not. it's the business's issue and they already said there is no issue. seriously... where does the invasion of privacy end???


Invasion of privacy? LOL. That's the thing-it's not private. If it were, we wouldn't be having this conversation. :smile2:


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Married&Confused said:


> privacy is privacy.


Apparently the two lovebirds didn't get that memo.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Here are some FACTS:



LaceyW said:


> we usually have to track them down when they sneak off during work and my partner and myself have to take on their work load.


The have been witnessed repeatedly sneaking off long enough for work to not be completed. What could two people being doing alone for so long? 

I think someone just assumed bathroom, but bathroom, loading area, parking lot who cares where they fvck?



LaceyW said:


> This was brought up between many of us in management and other than them sneaking off for a few minutes at a time.


So mgmt is fully aware of the affair.



LaceyW said:


> Strangely, it only made them comfortable with co-workers knowing that they were dating.


So even the coworker know and they are OKAY with that. Essentially the entire Walmart knows and the cheaters do not deny it.



LaceyW said:


> I just have a picture of them holding hands walking through the door.


And because the entire Walmart knows, they have zero reason to hide it. They hold hands because they are soulmates. 

Whether they are cheating or not isn't even up for debate. The fact pattern clearly shows beyond a reasonable doubt that they are.

Too bad the spouse who wasted 24 years and the other spouse with the dead child didn't get the memo right? Better to mind your business....


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> and what you're saying is that your biases and beliefs need to be forced upon others, right? that's no better than someone who has had multiple affairs coming in here and saying "affairs are great... let them go at it".
> 
> i realize that peoples' past will shape their opinions. you and lacey have a right to say "their affair is wrong" but you don't have the right to interfere unless there's a direct effect on you.


Forced on others?! Correct me if I'm wrong, but opinions were ASKED. That's far from FORCING my beliefs. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## ambulance.girl5 (Jul 6, 2016)

ambulance.girl5 said:


> Forced on others?! Correct me if I'm wrong, but opinions were ASKED. That's far from FORCING my beliefs.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


And YOU don't get to choose what MY opinions/beliefs are, just because you don't happen to like or agree with them. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> I missed the post about this being Walmart. If so, one or more workers there need to be fired. Sharing security video or taking pictures of coworkers. Wow. I am sure that is grounds for firing at WM.


Don't forget to fire the employees stealing company time by fvcking during work hours too. I'm sure that just slipped your mind.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> You dismiss that like it is a joke to you. Well my wife is dying, and my situation is not an "absurd justification" or a "hypothetical".
> 
> If you do not know the situation is clean, stay out of it.
> 
> Yes, there are situations in which you keep your mouth shut.


I read your story. Your wife deserves 100% of the truth and you deserve the full consequences for your emotional affair. 

Your story is no exception. If you're looking for pity or a pass, TAM is not the website to find it in.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> No, just like any other employee not doing there job, they should be disciplined by having pay docked, put on probation or fired. But not because they are having an affair. The two are not connected.
> 
> I would also fire at least one of them for going into the op sex bathroom.


This whole story isn't about work discipline. Mgmt knows and they turn a blind eye. 

This is about the spouses being informed that they are being cheated on. Not "maybe cheated on" but CHEATED ON.

If they do nothing with the information then that's their problem but morally they deserve to have the opportunity to make that choice.

Like YOU said, you'd want to know.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> post #6:
> 
> "This was brought up between many of us in management and other than them sneaking off for a few minutes at a time, it's not against company policy because they are both in separate departments. "


not HR - just Lacey and her colleagues - they are managers


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Married&Confused said:


> it is NOT her business to stop infidelity. does she stand outside the "NoTell Motel" and record couples going in there? no she doesn't. why not??? if it's her business to stop infidelity i'm sure that's a good place to start.
> 
> look... you (and others) compare reporting or stopping crimes to a moral situation, one that op has made several assumptions about yet can't know the whole story. does cheating suck? yes. is it affecting her job directly? according to hr is isn't. does it bother op?obviously it does, but that is her problem.
> 
> i'm an alcoholic and i don't enjoy being around people drinking. do i run around knocking drinks out of hands because of my discomfort? no i don't.


Sure Lacey can't stop infidelity in the world - but they are flaunting it in her and other coworkers faces - they are work colleagues - so yes she can be offended and do something about it.

If somebody snuck in bottles of alcohol and were secretly drinking while on the job, you would be upset. Wouldn't expect you to go to bars and knock drinks out of drinkers hands but I am pretty sure you would get pissed off with the drinkers at work - especially if you are having to carry some of their load as a result.

This is a ridiculous argument. First we start with what if they were given permission - by a woman who has just lost her baby and a man who thinks he just celebrated their 24th wedding anniversary - to fvck about. Why do it secretly then (with only colleagues knowing about it)?

Second we go with do you really have proof ? Are they really doing the deed ? When the OP has already confirmed that they are and there is no doubt. So where is your doubt coming from ? Because you were not there to witness it yourself ???

And then the opportunity to do the right thing presents itself and you cannot see that as the right thing to do - because its not her job!?!?!?

You did not answer the question about what you would want and expect to happen if your wife and someone senior at her job were doing this behind your back and her coworkers knew about it ?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> I missed the post about this being Walmart. If so, one or more workers there need to be fired. Sharing security video or taking pictures of coworkers. Wow. I am sure that is grounds for firing at WM.
> 
> No, Walmart is not "public". The people working there and everywhere else have a right to privacy (as defined by the company) and not be harassed by coworkers.
> 
> Do I care if the cashier at WM is having an affair? No. I assume at least 40% of them are or have, as that is the general statistic.


OP is a manager there - security footage might well be part of her business! Taking pictures is not against the law. Fcvking other peoples spouses used to be at one time - shame it isn't now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, let's see...

One BS thinks that she is celebrating 24 years of faithful marriage.

The other BS thinks he is helping his spouse cope with the loss of *their *baby.

But there are some TAM members who think that the BS should be treated like mushrooms. Covered in s**t and kept in the dark.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Well, let's see...
> 
> But there are some TAM members who think that the BS should be treated like mushrooms. Covered in s**t and kept in the dark.


Well, let's see...

I was not dismissive of your position, nor did I ridicule it. I acknowledge your position I gave what is to me valid reasons for not telling. 

I will admit my two experiences is very uncommon, but I used them to point out very real, TAM worthy scenarios in which IMO telling will do more harm than good.

So it OP tells and two days later finds out the coworker is not at work because his wife killed herself, OP can just say "Oh, well I did not intend that to happen. Not my fault." Yes I would hold her PARTIALLY responsible because there are other ways to play this out. 

And before you dismiss that, it happened to my wife's aunt about 10-15 years. After someone told her, she drove off two states away, checked into motel and overdosed on pain killers.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Well, let's see...
> 
> I was not dismissive of your position, nor did I ridicule it. I acknowledge your position I gave what is to me valid reasons for not telling.
> 
> ...


And who killed your wife's aunt? The cheater did.

Not the lips of the person who told her, not the telephone wires that carried the phone call, not the mail company that delivered the letter, not the server that relayed the email.

*The cheater did.*


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It is against the rules to accuse other TAM members of being a troll on the board.
> 
> That is what the Report button is for.


I'm surprised you didn't report her anonymously...


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Just like if you see some one mugging an old lady that you don't know it is the right thing to do to report it, stop it if you can, get help whatever. Pretending that its none of your business and turning a blind eye is wrong!


Armed robbery is a felony. Adultery is not a crime. Even if they were comparable, which they ARE NOT; seeing the act in progress is totally different than observing circumstantial evidence. At least come with analogies that are remotely comparable.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> If you saw someone making fun of (or bullying) another person on the street for a deformity they had, would you interfere? It's not illegal to bully someone, but the emotional scars it leaves are deep. I guess the bully could sit there and say, "mind your own business, this is private." It's still wrong and someone should still say something. In fact, it's encouraged.


Hey! Proper use of an analogy on this thread!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Drunk driving is a felony.


For the record, drunk driving is not indeed a felony in all states. That's a state mandated law not a federal one. 

And adultery and alienate of affection are indeed still technically on the books as crimes in some states. 

Welcome to Wisconsin, where drunk driving is a misdemeanor and so rarely properly prospected it's the stuff of bad jokes. But ... Adultery is technically a felony here, with a maximum risk of 3 years in jail. It's still on the books, though we haven't actively brought charges with it since 1990. 

And yet we are a "no fault" divorce state. Ah, Wisconsin, you curiosity you.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I have to say I would only expose an affair if it was a close friend or relative that was cheated on. I need to know both the WS and the BS to expose. You just don't know what can happen otherwise. Its fine to say its the cheater's fault. But I'd still feel responsible if something awful happened.

Also, I really don't believe that most of you would expose. I say this because in the real world it almost NEVER happens. People who have affairs are pretty brazen when not in front of good friends or relatives. Because the reality is most people won't say anything. I guess I feel like folks are advising the OP to do something that they wouldn't do in reality, just on the internet.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I have to say I would only expose an affair if it was a close friend or relative that was cheated on. I need to know both the WS and the BS to expose. You just don't know what can happen otherwise. Its fine to say its the cheater's fault. But I'd still feel responsible if something awful happened.
> 
> Also, I really don't believe that most of you would expose. *I say this because in the real world it almost NEVER happens. People w*ho have affairs are pretty brazen when not in front of good friends or relatives. Because the reality is most people won't say anything. I guess I feel like folks are advising the OP to do something that they wouldn't do in reality, just on the internet.


I agree that most people at work did not expose. Mainly because they could not be bothered to find details of the BS's. Things are different now with Facebook and social media anonymity.

What sort of "awful something" were you talking about ?


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Clearly I made a mistake coming here with this. It's my fault for thinking that I would receive guidance and advice, as it seems most of what I am seeing is either commenters being defensive (for what is none of my business) or someone thinking that I just looooove the drama. 

Number 1: Again, I asked for guidance because not all would want to know, there are sides to this ( to be more specific, the BSs that would be receiving this) that maybe I needed to address before doing so... hence the guidance asking.

Number 2: @Married&Confused I am perplexed as to why you seem to be taking my post so personally. No I am not trolling, and let me be more specific: 

When we (co-workers and myself) started noticing the pattern of these 2 disappearing together we had security pull up camera to try to determine where they were. Before they were confronted at work about this they were disappearing for anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 and a half hour at a time. 

Number 3: As I stated previously, after they were confronted about not only their ethics l, but how (and I'll put it lightly) uncomfortable this affair of theirs was to us, that it strangely only made them more comfortable with flaunting their affair at work. 

Number 4: Since they were outed at work by us, they are now only sneaking away for a few minutes at a time between taking their breaks and lunches together.

Number 5: No @Married&Confused, they don't know where the security cameras are. It's retail. Why would you want everyone to know the placement of these cameras? It should be enough to know that there are in fact cameras watching you to deter you. Although one of them has specifically asked where there AREN'T cameras in the parking lot. (Back note: I know the location of all cameras because I used to work as security for this retail before promoting into management)

Number 6: Besides what has been shown on security cameras (Since it's retail property, the stills and video, not mine), while I was sitting in my vehicle in the parking lot during my break ( since I live in Texas and vape, I sit in my car for the AC) they both walked past my vehicle holding hands. I took the picture before coming here with this. No, neither one of them saw me. 

Number 7: I, like many others, have been cheated on. I know the pain too. And I know that I would want to know, and I know that I would be understanding if the person revealing came as anonymous. BUT! I also know that not everyone thinks like me! 

Number 8: I have only met the male co-workers wife, I was heartbroken for them when they told me of their stillborn baby. This causes me much concern not only for His wife's well-being should she discover his infidelity, but also his because I'm wondering if this is some really screwed up way of his mourning the loss of his baby. The woman he's having an affair with, who had celebrated her 24th year of marriage a month or so ago, is old enough to be his mother, she has a daughter who is around His age (she almost caught them in her mother's vehicle making out in the parking lot last week, and to clarify, the reason I am able to give these details of them is because they generally go to break/lunch at the same time as I do.) 

I didn't come here to be attacked. I didn't come here to have my integrity questioned. I didn't come here to be a made a mockery of. I came here because not only are two families unknowingly being betrayed and so openly, but one of them just lost a baby. 

For those that have commented with legitimate reasons as to why or why I shouldn't expose, I sincerely thank you for taking the time to give me your valued opinions and input. I see this as a very delicate situation and sincerely questioned what position I should take, if any. Thank you so much to everyone. I know I said previously that I would send it out on Wednesday, but going through all of these comments has me questioning myself even more.



Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Lacey, as you know majority of us did not question your intentions or disagree with you - just tried to give you what we thought was the best advice.

I just wanted to commend and thank you for your integrity and hope you stay well whatever you decide to do.

Please don't assume that we are all the same :smile2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LaceyW you have been attacked. And in my opinion unfairly and wrongly.

In fact the attacks make me wonder why some people are coming to TAM at all.

If you are subjected to further attacks and harassment you should use the Report button and report their shameful behaviour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Or just put the person on your ignore list. I did not see anything that i think the mods would get involved over.
> 
> This was a very emotional topic for people on both sides. Some strong reactions should be expected on a message board.


We do not normally get people saying: "Meh! Cheaters? Just let them cheat! Keep your nose out! What's that? You personally know the BS? So what? Why would you care about them? Anyway, you do not know the details. Maybe they deserve to be cheated on?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Lots of passive aggressiveness from the poster.

Not sure why you're hanging so religiously to the words of the posters on this forum, if this was real life with a supposed Wednesday deadline then you're either doing it or not.

In essence anonymously or not you're airing out these people's business in an open forum, which is sort of ironic since people in your office and now the people of TAM know and still the BS's still don't know!

Since you're so eager to put everything out there, one would conclude you would also have been eager to let the spouses know... yet this has now become about you. Not the betrayed spouses.

As everything, the focus should be on the betrayed. You either do it or not. Stop dragging it out and making it about you.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

In all fairness I don't think she made it about her..it was made about her by different posters.
How ever it doesn't matter now...she has both sides and its up to her to figure it out. She wanted opinions and she definitely got opinions.
@LaceyW don't let the drama that happened here allow you to not come back to TAM..it really is a great community with varied opinions, but generally a respectful one.
Problem with TAM is that people draw on their own experiences when offering advice or opinions..we are all biased based upon what we've been or are going through. You have to sort out the advice that makes sense for you and leave the rest. 
Good luck with what you choose 


Sent from my iPhone


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I hear alot of semantics on here, i have no doubt I would find some way to tell the B spouses asap, I regard it as my civic duty. The problem with out world nowadays is there are too many PC excuses for not doing the right thing imo. I would do what my conscience tells me to do.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

citygirl4344 said:


> Problem with TAM is that people draw on their own experiences when offering advice or opinions..we are all biased based upon what we've been or are going through. You have to sort out the advice that makes sense for you and leave the rest.
> Good luck with what you choose


To me, this is TAM's strength, not weakness or problem. The OPs can hear from real people who have gone through something similar. In this thread, she heard from BSs who actually received anonymous emails and heard from a poster that told a real story of a suicide trigger in part by geting an anonymous letter. I would rather hear from real people than someone giving "advice" to others on subjects on which they know absolutely nothing. 

IMO most professionals would say that the revelation of the affair is best communicated to the betrayed by the wayward, vs wayward finding out via other means. At these, that is what I picked up for the few books I have read on affairs. You may disagree.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Mmhmm it can be a strength as well but you have to take the good with the bad. My point was that everyone has different opinions and they draw that from their own experiences. You then as a poster take what you think helps you and leave the rest, whether the conclusion is "wrong" or "right".



Sent from my iPhone


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I agree that most people at work did not expose. Mainly because they could not be bothered to find details of the BS's. Things are different now with Facebook and social media anonymity.
> 
> What sort of "awful something" were you talking about ?


Things can get very volatile when people find out. Sometimes people commit suicide or hurt/kill their spouse.

I am particularly worried about the BS that lost a child, how much more can they take before they reach a breaking point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Things can get very volatile when people find out. Sometimes people commit suicide or hurt/kill their spouse.
> 
> I am particularly worried about the BS that lost a child, how much more can they take before they reach a breaking point.


Better for a friendly person to tell them rather than for them to find out by themselves later? 

This is what cheaters do to their families! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> BobSimmons said:
> 
> 
> > Lots of passive aggressiveness from the poster.
> ...


Wow, I completely disagree with this. These are people she works with. It's not a friend, not a relative, it's COWORKERS. I disagree with your assessment that she is "no different than the POS cheaters" if she doesn't contact their spouses. Really? A manager at work who doesn't contact the spouses of suspected cheaters is the same as CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE? Not in my belief system!!!!!!!!


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

LaceyW said:


> Clearly I made a mistake coming here with this. It's my fault for thinking that I would receive guidance and advice, as it seems most of what I am seeing is either commenters being defensive (for what is none of my business) or someone thinking that I just looooove the drama.
> 
> Number 1: Again, I asked for guidance because not all would want to know, there are sides to this ( to be more specific, the BSs that would be receiving this) that maybe I needed to address before doing so... hence the guidance asking.
> 
> ...


lacey if you had laid out your original post in this much detail me and others probably wouldn't have doubted your story.

i'll assume it's all true and apologize for thinking you were a troll but stand by my original contention that since the work-related issue has been addressed the rest is none of your business.

you may not like what's going on but it's not your place to butt into people's private business, and despite them showing public displays of affection, it's still their private business.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> That last part is ridiculous. Playing God with someone else's life is irresponsible, especially a person already emotionally vulnerable. If she kills herself, you can take satisfaction that you outed another cheater.


God forbid if she killed herself because of this scumbag's actions, her blood is on his hands. He is the perpetrator of the abuse. 

What makes you any better telling her to play God and arbitrarily decide what people have a right to know because they might be "too weak" to handle it?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Wow, I completely disagree with this. These are people she works with. It's not a friend, not a relative, it's COWORKERS. I disagree with your assessment that she is "no different than the POS cheaters" if she doesn't contact their spouses. Really? A manager at work who doesn't contact the spouses of suspected cheaters is the same as CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE? Not in my belief system!!!!!!!!


People who sit idly by and CHOOSE to do nothing while others are hurt, with the ability to intervene, are morally bankrupt themselves in my belief system. I can't think of anything more selfish and narcissistic then watching reprehensible activity take place and just thinking, "glad its not me, better mind my business!"


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> People who sit idly by and CHOOSE to do nothing while others are hurt, with the ability to intervene, are morally bankrupt themselves in my belief system. I can't think of anything more selfish and narcissistic then watching reprehensible activity take place and just thinking, "glad its not me, better mind my business!"


but it's reprehensible in your OPINION, not knowing all the facts and whether or not someone is actually being hurt. neither you or lacey know what is going on in each of those people's relationships and without all the facts (and even with the facts), it's none of your or lacey's business, outside the work-place aspect.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Well, clearly we have a very different value system.

Good luck to you both.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> Lots of passive aggressiveness from the poster.
> 
> Not sure why you're hanging so religiously to the words of the posters on this forum, if this was real life with a supposed Wednesday deadline then you're either doing it or not.
> 
> ...


Not passive aggressive. LaceyW became defensive -and naturally so- because she found herself under attack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

You should definitely inform the betrayed spouses. They have a right to know so they can protect themselves.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

becareful2 said:


> ...betrayed spouses


but no one knows whether or not anyone is being betrayed. no one 100% knows what is going in those relationships.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> but no one knows whether or not anyone is being betrayed. no one 100% knows what is going in those relationships.


They ARE cheating - it's a given. It was never up for debate. They've basically admitted it! It's all spelled out in this post

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ust-mind-my-own-business-11.html#post16111762

If you want to keep arguing that you don't think there's any proof that they are in fact cheating, I don't even know what to say.

Before I was cheated on I probably would have stuck my head in the sand and pretended not to notice so that I didn't have to say anything to the BS's. Now? No way in hell would I sit by and do nothing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> but no one knows whether or not anyone is being betrayed. no one 100% knows what is going in those relationships.


Well, their colleagues know. 

Let's try the Cliff's Notes version for this:


> She is old enough to be his mother, his wife is recovering from a miscarriage, so to make things better, they are, to use an old British expression, at it like a rat up a pump.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> it is NOT her business to stop infidelity. *does she stand outside the "NoTell Motel" and record couples going in there?* no she doesn't. why not??? if it's her business to stop infidelity i'm sure that's a good place to start.


Perfect argument.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Only you can decide if this issue is the hill you want to die upon. If cheating is truly evil in your mind then, as another poster suggested, indeed stamp it out wherever you find it. I hope you are prepared that some people will almost certainly retaliate. This is why some posters are saying they would expose but only with a strong prior relationship such as family or close friends... because it is easier to establish that the exposure really is coming from a place of caring. This is much harder for you to argue in this case, which is why I think you will also suffer consequences.

From a work POV, I would strongly caution that since you have already told HR (?) any further action you now take is very likely to come back to bite you professionally. So, before you act, be very careful understanding your own mind and why you feel so strongly about exposing these people. Be sure this isn't displaced revenge of some kind for your own experience with cheating, or some other reason such as a prior dislike of either of your colleagues. There will almost certainly be further consequences to you, from either work or the people you expose, so be ready.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I deleted a post where the OP was called a coward. I was lenient as it’s a bannable offense. 

I also see that some here are accusing the OP of being a troll. This also a bannable offense.

Any more name calling and people will be banned.

You all know the rule about someone you suspect is a troll. Do not accuse people of being trolls. Instead report the poster (use the report button on one of their posts). Moderators will look into it. 

{Speaking as a moderator}


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> but no one knows whether or not anyone is being betrayed. no one 100% knows what is going in those relationships.


Uh... it doesn't really take a rocket scientist to put two and two together. One couple just had a miscarriage and the husband steps out on his grieving wife. The other couple just had their 24th anniversary and the wife is cheating with the younger man from the first couple. If the two people are married to their spouses, then they're betraying their spouses by engaging in EA/PA while at work. What is the probability that the two betrayed spouses would be fine with their partner seeing a colleague at work? I'd say the probability of that is next to zero.



Married&Confused said:


> it is NOT her business to stop infidelity. does she stand outside the "NoTell Motel" and record couples going in there? no she doesn't. why not??? if it's her business to stop infidelity i'm sure that's a good place to start.





sapientia said:


> Perfect argument.


This is a really dumb argument. lol

The comparison is ridiculous. Even if she stood outside the "NoTell Motel" and record all those couples, how would she know who was married and who was not, where they lived, or how to contact their spouses? Where would she find the time, energy and resources to do all of that when she has a life of her own? This incident is right under her nose at her place of employment and it doesn't exact any toll on her resources or affect her livelihood in any way. Furthermore, going by your "it's not your business to be involved" argument, if you see someone being assaulted, you shouldn't help them because it's not your business, right? Just stand by and watch them being hurt?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sapientia said:


> Perfect argument.


Nope. That argument is specious. 

It's actually so specious that it is the type of argument that the straw man would use to his straw neighbour when they were about to debate the possibilities of Strawville winning the Specious Argument of the World Cup. 

But neighbour, you'll have to excuse him as he wants to take his straw dog for a walk so that he can urinate up a straw lamp post.

:rofl:

I am really not trying to be mean, but, gee, what is it with these: "Oh, leave those poor cheaters alone!" arguments. I mean, this is Talk About Marriage. There's a sub-section called Coping With Infidelity... :wtf:

LaceyW, could you ask a moderator to move this to the CWI section? You are coping with infidelity, just not infidelity in your own life.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

becareful2 said:


> ...how would she know who was married and who was not, where they lived, or how to contact their spouses?


so it's ok not to get involved because you don't know the above facts yet not knowing their sexual relationship status, whether or not they have an open marriage, may be swingers or polyamorous or some other reason where one spouse would allow another to have relationships outside the marriage shouldn't stop you from getting into their business???


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lacey, consider this scenario which is mine. Many others have come to this forum with the same situation as me. I know many others in the same boat.

And that is knowing something is wrong in the marriage but not knowing what it is. Sometimes it is a suspicion of infidelity. The betrayed is trying hard to save, fix, or figure out the marriage. Meanwhile life is wasting. Without knowing the truth, the betrayed is suffering, yet has no ability to fix the actual problem.

I would have been saved years, perhaps decades of wasted time had someone come to me with the missing information. Years of suffering.

Informing the betrayed is doing them a sincere service. They deserve the right to make fully informed decisions about their own lives and future. Whatever negatives happen as a result of the truth being known is caused by the cheater and is not the fault of the truth.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Actually it is a good argument. It brings up the topic of where does one draw the line whether to get involved. Some of you think that just because a person works for your same company you have not just a right but an obligation to act.
> 
> Imo OP should confront the cheaters and tell them she has evidence that she will send to the betrayed in one week. That fulfills her obligation to act. And she still can send the pictures. This will force the cheater to take immediate action to confess. Having the cheater confess is what the pros say is the best way to reveal the affair. This also will lower the risk that the betrayed would harm herself.
> 
> ...


first, she has no "obligation" to act. there is no legal requirement for her to do anything and, as i've said before, without all the facts there's no moral obligation.

you're also condoning blackmail.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> so it's ok not to get involved because you don't know the above facts yet not knowing their sexual relationship status, whether or not they have an open marriage, may be swingers or polyamorous or some other reason where one spouse would allow another to have relationships outside the marriage shouldn't stop you from getting into their business???


The chance that the two co-workers have open marriages, are swingers or engage in polyamorous relationships are nil. They were almost caught by their daughter and one said to the other, something to the effect of, "I can't believe we almost got caught." What they're doing is definitely not with their spouses' blessings. I don't know for an absolute certainty but no betting man would bet that their actions are on the up and up.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Imo* OP should confront the cheaters and tell them she has evidence that she will send to the betrayed in one week*. That fulfills her obligation to act. And she still can send the pictures. This will force the cheater to take immediate action to confess. Having the cheater confess is what the pros say is the best way to reveal the affair. This also will lower the risk that the betrayed would harm herself.


 @LaceyW

I disagree with the above. Sorry blueinbr 

If I was being cheated on, I would want to know. If that was by someone sending me a picture (anonymously) of my husband walking hand-in-hand with a co-worker; that would be enough. It would be up to me where to take it from there.

If you are identified as the person who revealed the cheating; you could face retaliation from the cheaters themselves. "No good deed goes unpunished".

I advise you to preserve your anonymity.

Here's a test for you. Does the idea of exposing this affair give you a sense of smug satisfaction; like, you're really going to enjoy the fact that you knew the secret, and that you had the power to blow up the cheaters' lives?

In that case, maybe you shouldn't expose. Your heart is not in the right place.

But, if it makes you feel nervous and sick to have to do this. And you wish you could just close your eyes and make it go away---then your motives are good. FWIW, that is what you sound like to me, from the tone of your posts.

Good luck.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

You never know how people will react with affairs of the heart. About 10 years ago and old employee of mine saw a clear act of domestic violence on the side of the road and pulled over to intervene. Things escalated and he basically went Russell Crowe ala LA Confidential on the guy. My employee got arrested and the battered spouse pergured herself to protect the wife beater. My employee got 6 months jailtime and 3 years probation for aggravated assault...


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

becareful2 said:


> The chance that the two co-workers have open marriages, are swingers or engage in polyamorous relationships are nil. They were almost caught by their daughter and one said to the other, something to the effect of, "I can't believe we almost got caught." What they're doing is definitely not with their spouses' blessings. I don't know for an absolute certainty but no betting man would bet that their actions are on the up and up.


it's still not her business.

tell you what... i looked through lacey's postings and i see postings at all times of the day and during weekdays. i'm going to call every walmart in texas and tell them that an employee (a manager, no less) is wasting company time posting on tam (not that posting on tam is a waste of time, of course).

not being a shareholder of walmart doesn't stop me from thinking i have an "obligation" to do this. doesn't matter if i don't know all the facts, such as she posts on her day off, or hours she's not working or maybe even during breaks. doesn't matter that i have no vested interest if lacey posts while at work or not. the fact that i don't know all the details will not stop me from my "obligation" to protect the shareholders of walmart and possible embarrass her if i'm wrong.

but i won't because it's none of my business.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

This seems like one of those things where you say, "there are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe in letting betrayed spouses know that they're being cheated on; and those who don't"


@Married&Confused See, you having to call every Wal-Mart in Texas, proves that you are too far from the situation to get involved. And lots of people on TAM post from work; some people are allowed that type of leeway, especially if they are salaried, not hourly.

But Lacey knows exactly what Wal-Mart this is going on at, she knows the exact two people involved, and she even knows some of the exact times that it's happening. She's not taking a guess, or exposing strangers at random Wal-Marts in Texas whom she only knows about through the internet.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> You never know how people will react with affairs of the heart. About 10 years ago and old employee of mine saw a clear act of domestic violence on the side of the road and pulled over to intervene. Things escalated and he basically went Russell Crowe ala LA Confidential on the guy. My employee got arrested and the battered spouse pergured herself to protect the wife beater. My employee got 6 months jailtime and 3 years probation for aggravated assault...




That is a very extreme example.

But it makes me believe even more in doing this type of thing anonymously, when possible. Obviously your acquaintance couldn't have done that; it sounds like it was all immediate and heat-of-the-moment.

We all know that police departments have anonymous tip lines; for these very reasons. The legal justice system has witness protection programs. Because most people want to expose wrongdoing, but don't want to be punished for doing so.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Actually it is a good argument. It brings up the topic of where does one draw the line whether to get involved.


This^, I agree. The argument wasn't specious, it used hyperbole. That is the correct argumentation terminology.

See my earlier comment about the OP having difficulty establishing that her disclosure comes from a position of caring about those involved, due to her lack of relationship with the families involved.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> first, she has no "obligation" to act. there is no legal requirement for her to do anything and, as i've said before, without all the facts there's no moral obligation.
> 
> you're also condoning blackmail.


There is no moral obligation whether she has all the facts or not. Not everyone believes disclosing is the right thing to do.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> it's still not her business.
> 
> tell you what... i looked through lacey's postings and i see postings at all times of the day and during weekdays. i'm going to call every walmart in texas and tell them that an employee (a manager, no less) is wasting company time posting on tam (not that posting on tam is a waste of time, of course).
> 
> ...


In Lacey's case, she has a lot more facts than your hypothetical example here. Also, posting on TAM is far different from infidelity. You fail to weigh the harm and destruction each can cause. Posting online is so insignificant it's laughable, while infidelity destroys lives, families, and results in lifelong emotional pain.

If you saw someone being assaulted at a subway station, like was in the news weeks ago, would you physically intervene to help the victim? If you're not physically able to, would you at least yell for help or make a 911 call or would you look away?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

An Indian man cut his wife in 4 pieces and burned her while their kid was in the car. He "thought" she was cheating. I guess her death is on her. 

I wouldn't tell someone I don't know that their spouse is cheating on them. You never know how they're going to react. 

Lacy do what feels right to YOU whether it is to tell or not tell.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

becareful2 said:


> If you saw someone being assaulted at a subway station, like was in the news weeks ago, would you physically intervene to help the victim? If you're not physically able to, would you at least yell for help or make a 911 call or would you look away?


This^ is not at all the same thing. You are describing an acute situation which is actually a crime, punishable by law. Cheating is not a crime. That said, there are still people who might look away, depending on the circumstance and they are not obligated to intervene.

As others and myself have posted previously, a *successful *intervention should come from a place of, what I will call meeting the "care criteria". I would be highly suspicious of an anonymous person sending me an email or letter, and even more so if from a colleague who perhaps has other reason to dislike my spouse.

If, however, a disclosure came from a trusted family or friend, I would be much more likely to treat it seriously, knowing they were telling me from a place of caring, not for their own selfish reasons.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

sapientia said:


> This^ is not at all the same thing. You are describing an acute situation which is actually a crime, punishable by law. Cheating is not a crime. That said, there are still people who might look away, depending on the circumstance and they are not obligated to intervene.
> 
> As others and myself have posted previously, a *successful *intervention should come from a place of, what I will call meeting the "care criteria". I would be highly suspicious of an anonymous person sending me an email or letter, and even more so if from a colleague who perhaps has other reason to dislike my spouse.
> 
> If, however, a disclosure came from a trusted family or friend, I would be much more likely to treat it seriously, knowing they were telling me from a place of caring, not for their own selfish reasons.


The point is not whether it's a crime or not; the point is if you can help, would you intervene even if you are not obligated to do so? Many would prefer being physically assaulted at a subway station over the pain of being cheated on. One form of pain will heal in a matter of weeks of even days, while the other lasts a lifetime. There's nothing worst than being cheated on outside of losing a child, and some would say being cheated on is far worse.

As for your second point, the purpose is to provide the evidence to the betrayed spouses and let them investigate and confirm for themselves. You are moving the goal post from intervention to successful intervention when that's not necessarily the goal. The betrayed spouses don't have to believe Lacey; they just need to be on the lookout. That's all anyone can ask of them.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I like these extreme hyperbolic examples about how people will axe murder their wives for infidelity. 

Here's a thought actually related to this story ... STDs can and do cause miscarriage and fetl death. As a woman who has already suffered one stillbirth and likely been devastated, this poor woman should just be blindly exposed to more of that?

Next time someone on TAM asks how do people manage to get away with cheating, I'm going to point them to this thread.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> I like these extreme hyperbolic examples about how people will axe murder their wives for infidelity.
> 
> Here's a thought actually related to this story ... STDs can and do cause miscarriage and fetl death. As a woman who has already suffered one stillbirth and likely been devastated, this poor woman should just be blindly exposed to more of that?
> 
> Next time someone on TAM asks how do people manage to get away with cheating, I'm going to point them to this thread.


A high strain of HPV can result in a hysterectomy for the woman (admitted by a female member here on TAM). Gonorrhea can make women sterile.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

http://buzzkenya.com/hyderabad-stockbroker-kills-wife-congo/

How is it not related to this story? A BS isn't capable of violence when they learn that they're being cheated on?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Why do we recommend that WS confess at all then? 

Shouldn't we tell all of them to maintain the lie as long as possible because their BS might go crazy and hack them up?

Or how about this ... 

Police: Former NFL player's mistress kills wife, herself

How about your husband's mistress might go full Fatal Attraction and try and/or succeed in murdering you? I can likely find all kinds of examples of that.

If you confront a cheater you might have some inkling of it going poorly. But if you have no idea at all they are cheating and their AP shows up randomly to kill you? Hmm.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength


Eta. If you read 1984 you will understand this. I am not referring to ignorance of infidelity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Not blackmail. She would not ask for anything. Just telling the cheater she will send the pics. Totally legal.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, maybe not totally legal.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revenge_porn#North_America

Although not a "pornographic" image, it might come under the recently introduced "revenge porn" legislation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> You never know how people will react with affairs of the heart. About 10 years ago and old employee of mine saw a clear act of domestic violence on the side of the road and pulled over to intervene. Things escalated and he basically went Russell Crowe ala LA Confidential on the guy. My employee got arrested and the battered spouse pergured herself to protect the wife beater. My employee got 6 months jailtime and 3 years probation for aggravated assault...


Which is why he should have told someone what was happening by dialling 911/999 or whatever.

Your story, although interesting and unfortunate for your old employee, is not relevant to this thread.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

LaceyW said:


> But like I said, everyone has very good points and also very good heads on their shoulders which is why I felt like I should ask here.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


You're going to look ridiculous if you decide to wander in some other lives and find out they are both in open relationships or known swingers. It's happened.

Adults should take less interest in the lives of others. As if adults didn't have enough of thier own problems, they now feel the need to get involved in other people's problems because the feel they "deserve" information.

Some companies have strict privacy policies, I've seen terminations as a result of "getting into someone else's business". Careful with the advice you read here because "deserved" may not be a credible defense at work.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> it's still not her business.
> 
> tell you what... i looked through lacey's postings and i see postings at all times of the day and during weekdays. i'm going to call every walmart in texas and tell them that an employee (a manager, no less) is wasting company time posting on tam (not that posting on tam is a waste of time, of course).
> 
> ...


That was a mean and cruel post. Shame on you. 

But you might have frightened LacyW away from TAM. Was that your intention?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Apexmale said:


> You're going to look ridiculous if you decide to wander in some other lives and find out they are both in open relationships or known swingers. It's happened.
> 
> Adults should take less interest in the lives of others. As if adults didn't have enough of thier own problems, they now feel the need to get involved in other people's problems because the feel they "deserve" information.
> 
> Some companies have strict privacy policies, I've seen terminations as a result of "getting into someone else's business". Careful with the advice you read here because "deserved" may not be a credible defense at work.


Didn't you see the post when they were nearly caught by the daughter of one of them? :scratchhead:

And yeah, swingers *always *do it in the workplace, sneaking around, enraging their work colleagues and stuff.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Didn't you see the post when they were nearly caught by the daughter of one of them? :scratchhead:
> 
> And yeah, swingers *always *do it in the workplace, sneaking around, enraging their work colleagues and stuff.


I dont know anyone in an open marriage or a swingers couple who doesn't keep thier private lives from thier children. Do you?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You tell the spouses. It's the right thing to do imo.
I sure would want to know.

I see a kid getting bullied do I say it's none of my business.
Bullying isn't against the law.

I see an elderly person getting duped because they don't understand.

Character is defending people who can't defend themselves. 

I would tell the spouses immediately and if they are swingers like some 
are suggesting then they can just laugh it off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Apexmale said:


> I dont know anyone in an open marriage or a swingers couple who doesn't keep thier private lives from thier children. Do you?


Well doing it in public and nearly getting caught by the daughter of one of them is a truly weird way of trying to keep their affair hidden from their children, isn't it?


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Which is why he should have told someone what was happening by dialling 911/999 or whatever.
> 
> Your story, although interesting and unfortunate for your old employee, is not relevant to this thread.


It's certainly more relevant than random muggings on subways...

My point being that when your talking about affairs of the heart, all rationality can go out the window so it shouldn't be the least bit surprising if people behave erratically. Though well-intentioned, outing the cheaters anonymously is lobbing a hand grenade at suspects without checking if anyone else is in the room first...


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> it's still not her business.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Wow
To me this is a low blow.
You have no idea what her shifts are like and really this is way off topic. I have to say this thread had been interesting. I love a debate but to attack her like this. Uncalled for.

Sorry @Married&Confused but let's keep the debate a healthy dialogue on topic. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TomorrowNeverKnows said:


> It's certainly more relevant than random muggings on subways...
> 
> My point being that when your talking about affairs of the heart, all rationality can go out the window so it shouldn't be the least bit surprising if people behave erratically. Though well-intentioned, outing the cheaters anonymously is lobbing a hand grenade at suspects without checking if anyone else is in the room first...


Oh, you mean like when the two cheaters were nearly caught In flagrante delicto by the daughter of one of them?

Yeah! That would have been like a grenade going off in the poor lass's face.

How did they express their concern at that near tragic turn of events? Oh, yes, They laughed. Ha bloody ha. That was *really* hilarious.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

citygirl4344 said:


> Wow
> To me this is a low blow.
> You have no idea what her shifts are like and really this is way off topic. I have to say this thread had been interesting. I love a debate but to attack her like this. Uncalled for.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It was cruel and uncalled for.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Well doing it in public and nearly getting caught by the daughter of one of them is a truly weird way of trying to keep their affair hidden from their children, isn't it?


Weird to you and I, yes. Not to them. They live by a different set of rules and that is why they often get singled out and criticized.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Apexmale said:


> Weird to you and I, yes. Not to them. They live by a different set of rules and that is why they often get singled out and criticized.


That makes them sound as if they are sociopathic. Maybe they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> That makes them sound as if they are sociopathic. Maybe they are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See, perfect example.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> War is Peace
> Freedom is Slavery
> Ignorance is Strength
> 
> ...


_Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be *better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies.* The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but *those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.*_

Friends and family are most likely closest to such omnipotence. The OP, not so much. Anyway, per TAM threads re: cheating the discussion is deteriorating because of an inability to separate emotional from rational response. The karma bus always comes, even if it's sometimes a bit late.

Good luck.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Anyway, per TAM threads re: cheating the discussion is deteriorating because of an inability to separate emotional from rational response.


Human evolution hasn't reached Vulcan yet. We are still indeed able to debate what is the "rational" versus the "emotional" response. 

I've put my money where my mouth is. 

I worked a job where I had heavy suspicions my boss was cheating on her husband or something sketchy, whether an EA or a full PA or going out to do blow in the parking lot I had no idea. But she met a guy who wasn't the H on a regular basis for lunch and H clearly was not in the know about it. She expected us all to help her cover it up by having cover stories for her being on "conference calls in the back" whenever the husband would call for her when she'd be "out to lunch" with her likely AP. He'd bring their daughter to work to visit mommy and mommy was out with mystery guy X. 

Was it none of my business? Arguably. But I didn't feel it was right to actively expect others to get involved . So one day he calls and I just decide I'm done with this he asks if he can talk to his wife and I say she's not in right now he should call back later. Mystery guy X didn't show up anymore after that, and shortly after she left her position. But not before making sure she fired me on some made up crap as a punishment. 

I'd do it all over again too.


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Human evolution hasn't reached Vulcan yet. We are still indeed able to debate what is the "rational" versus the "emotional" response.
> 
> I've put my money where my mouth is.
> 
> ...


Good for you! But I'd point out that she was asking you to lie which does involve you personally. So in this case, I believe your actions were completely justifiable...


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Human evolution hasn't reached Vulcan yet. We are still indeed able to debate what is the "rational" versus the "emotional" response.
> 
> I've put my money where my mouth is.
> 
> ...


So you paid the price for your decision and lost your job. Sucks but that's how karma works.

This is the point those like me are making for Lacey. So long as she is prepared to accept the consequences of her actions, as you apparently did, and she understands outcomes may not be entirely to her liking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sapientia said:


> So you paid the price for your decision and lost your job. Sucks but that's how karma works.
> 
> This is the point those like me are making for Lacey. So long as she is prepared to accept the consequences of her actions, as you apparently did, and she understands outcomes may not be entirely to her liking.


So because @Starstarfish refused one time to lie for her boss by merely saying: "She is out" she was punished for telling the truth by some sort of karmic energy? :wtf:


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

I don't know why Matt, except there WAS a consequence. Perhaps there is a cost to getting involved in other people's business, justified or not?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

LOL. Nice find. Here you go

Walmart - Be careful with your spouse at WalMart!, Review 15544 | Complaints Board

The comment that WalMart would be sued -- successfully -- for involving themselves in personal affairs of employees is exactly right. They can only act on things that affect work performance.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Employers can be sued for facilitating an affair if they know about it.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Good luck suing a corp like WalMart and *proving* they 1) had sufficient proof about the affair to act, and 2) they facilitated anything.

Anyone with those resources wouldn't be working at WalMart and wouldn't be meeting their partner in a back storeroom or whatever.

Like I posted earlier, I know of one case where this happened in a partnership and the executive took action. Noone was fired.

I did a quick search and found cases where WM employees were fired for having affairs and they are being challenged, no surprise.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Any company (Wal-Mart, whatever) should be able to fire workers for using company time to goof off, and not work.

Including being online, or futzing around on your smartphone; unless you have a position where you are allowed some discretion in those matters. Usually, salaried people are given this type of privilege. As long as they get their work done, no-one cares.

But if you're hourly, you are paid for performing work related tasks and duties while you are on the clock. Breaktimes and lunch are the only times you can take care of personal activities.

Usually, the first couple of times you are found to be, say, spending 20 extra minutes at lunch, or playing solitaire when you're supposed to be doing filing; you will get written up, or a warning. If you are a "favorite", this may never happen at all. But it is still wrong. Example; most workplaces I've ever been at will write you up if you sleep at work. At one in particular, it was grounds for immediate dismissal.

So, if employees; especially hourly employees, are using time when they should be working to be physically involved with one another, that should be grounds for dismissal. If nothing else, they should get a warning, and written up.


@spinsterdurga If LaceyW told us she was in India, then I would give different advice; or I would ask her about the cultural norms. It's something to keep in mind when interacting with others on TAM; is there a difference of culture to take into consideration?



> Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.


 @sapientia This quote expresses a noble sentiment; but I'm glad that "moral busybodies" have made sure that we know that cigarette smoking is dangerous. I'm glad we have laws against drunk driving "friends don't let friends drive drunk". Thanks Ralph Nader for being a busybody and insisting that we have seatbelts in our vehicles.

You can bet, and it's a matter of record for the most part, that corporations, businesses and much of society, didn't want cigarettes, alcohol consumption, or seat belt wearing to be regulated. But all of these behaviors have potentially damaging consequences; and I'm glad for the stick-in-the-muds who've worked hard to make life better for us all.

And having affairs causes this type of damage. Just because it's taking place in the personal, family-unit arena, doesn't mean it isn't doing harm. It does harm emotionally, and it has the potential to do bodily harm through STI's.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I like your motivation or smug test. Too many here are agenda motivated to exposure the cheater rather than help the spouse.


I, personally, couldn't care less about motivation. If I were being cheated on, what would matter to me is that someone tell me, not why they told me.



Married&Confused said:


> it's still not her business.


I disagree. I think is it her business. First, it is effecting the adulterers job performance. Second, by failing to be discreet and allowing their affair to become public knowledge at work, they made it the business of pretty much everyone there.



spinsterdurga said:


> I wouldn't tell someone I don't know that their spouse is cheating on them. You never know how they're going to react.


We've all heard stories of extreme violence when adultery is discovered. This reaction is something the WS's knew was a possibility and they assumed that risk when they went ahead with their affair.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

As my final comment on this thread I do not think OP is coming back to tell us what she did. It would start another 200 replies. 

Second, she revealed a lot of personal identifying information for an anonymous forum. Employer, state, gender, specific job roles, etc that can possibly be used to identify her. 

I wish her good luck and hope she does the right thing. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Actually management did look into the work performance and took no action. So that argument is moot.
> 
> So you think everything you do at work is public knowledge open for intervention by others. Not where i work thankfully. You would be rightfully terminated. My company allows its workers to live their lives without persecution by fellow coworkers.
> 
> ...


 @blueinbr I am not sure I understand. You are a supporter of TAM yet you do not extend this support to a fellow TAM member who feels badly for two betrayed spouses whom she has some knowledge of as people.

I really don't get this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> @blueinbr I am not sure I understand. You are a supporter of TAM yet you do not extend this support to a fellow TAM member who feels badly for two betrayed spouses whom she has some knowledge of as people.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I was pointing out the fallacy of that argument as a justification to take action. 

Listen i get it. The key issues here are should she act, and if so when and how. My position has been because she only has "some knowledge" and it is limited she does not know the situation sufficiently to be sure she is not doing more harm than good, or at least adding to the harm. 

Further her role as management at the employer initially using company resources to detect the affair makes for an added complication. The employees were cleared of any workplace violation. 

I do not know what you mean about my support of TAM. Yes i am against infidelity. My concern is around the who, when, how around the exposure so that the method of exposure does not add to the harm. You disagree. I know that. 

See you in the other threads. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@blueinbr I think the problem @LaceyW has is that she knows the cheaters and their betrayed spouses and their betrayed children. Plus the particular circumstances. Miscarriage, 24th aniversary etc, which I think would make it harder for her to ignore their cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Actually management did look into the work performance and took no action. So that argument is moot.
> 
> So you think everything you do at work is public knowledge open for intervention by others. Not where i work thankfully. You would be rightfully terminated. My company allows its workers to live their lives without persecution by fellow coworkers.
> 
> ...


Just because management failed to take action doesn't make it a moot point. The other employees think it's a problem, then it's a problem.

This couple went into a public space (work) and acted in indiscreet ways. They made their affair public nowledge. Their own lack of discretion opened them up to gossip, scrutiny, and intervention.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> My concern is around the who, when, how around the exposure so that the method of exposure does not add to the harm. You disagree. I know that.
> 
> See you in the other threads.
> 
> ...


I also disagree. The harm, in it's entirety, was done by the WS's when the affair began. OP can't add to harm that was caused entirely by the WS's choice to engage in an affair. All she can do is inform the BS's and let them decide what they will do with their spouses.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

OP

Just spill their **** on them. Pay for their sins. 

Just stay anonymous.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

sapientia said:


> Good luck suing a corp like WalMart and *proving* they 1) had sufficient proof about the affair to act, and 2) they facilitated anything.


If they allowed the cheaters to break work rules, such as taking extended breaks, then the company is open to whatever the jury may decide.

If the company knew of the cheating and assisted in any way, such as assigning the same shift or work area, it could be seen as actively assisting the infidelity.

This presumes there is some form of law against infidelity or alienation of affection in the state. Management represent the company and their actions and decisions make the corporation liable.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Thor said:


> If they allowed the cheaters to break work rules, such as taking extended breaks, then the company is open to whatever the jury may decide.
> 
> If the company knew of the cheating and assisted in any way, such as assigning the same shift or work area, it could be seen as actively assisting the infidelity.
> 
> This presumes there is some form of law against infidelity or alienation of affection in the state. Management represent the company and their actions and decisions make the corporation liable.


Again, this is a question of having to prove they assisted in a way that makes them culpable. Good luck proving that.

Yes, it does indeed presume a law against infidelity.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @sapientia This quote expresses a noble sentiment; but I'm glad that


Your "but" invalidates your true belief in your first comment.

It is indeed a noble sentiment, and as such it isn't open to "only when one feels like it".

_The busybody and the crybaby are getting to be the most conspicuous children on the American playground._ (from "A Nation of Finger Pointers")

Rather ironic considering most Americans claim to believe in personal freedom.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

sapientia said:


> Your "but" invalidates your true belief in your first comment.
> 
> It is indeed a noble sentiment, and as such it isn't open to "only when one feels like it".
> 
> ...




Who says Americans believe in personal freedom? A large plurality if not a majority believe the government should get more involved in our lives. We are going down the wrong path like those of EU countries.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> *Who says Americans believe in personal freedom?* A large plurality if not a majority believe the government should get more involved in our lives. We are going down the wrong path like those of EU countries.


Point taken.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

sapientia said:


> Your "but" invalidates your true belief in your first comment.
> 
> It is indeed a noble sentiment, and as such it isn't open to "only when one feels like it".
> 
> ...



The grammatical form I used " . . . ; but . . ." indicates further, deeper exploration of the idea expounded in the first clause of the sentence. That further exploration may include some dissension, and what is wrong with that?

And no matter how noble a sentiment may be; it is still limited in it's application. I wonder, however, what C.S. Lewis would have done if he saw adultery taking place under his nose. Would he have hidden in an intellectual refuge; under the guise of higher-mindedness and tolerance?

Or would he have stuck his neck out and risk being called a "bad guy" or a "busybody"? Who knows.


Believing in personal freedom doesn't mean sanctioning immorality.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Any updates, @LaceyW?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Any updates, @LaceyW?




I'll be shocked if she comes back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I'll be shocked if she comes back.


After all the personal attacks on her and the threadjacks? Yeah. Me too.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> After all the personal attacks on her and the threadjacks? Yeah. Me too.




Agree.
It did promote a great debate though. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> That was a mean and cruel post. Shame on you.
> 
> But you might have frightened LacyW away from TAM. Was that your intention?


"mean and cruel"? seriously?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

citygirl4344 said:


> Wow
> To me this is a low blow.
> You have no idea what her shifts are like and really this is way off topic. I have to say this thread had been interesting. I love a debate but to attack her like this. Uncalled for.
> 
> ...


you're missing the point.

lacey is making an assumption and deciding on an action without ALL the facts. the analogy i presented was doing the same thing. i thought my last sentence made that fairly clear.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lacy left this thread days ago. I'm closing it. If she wants it re-opened, she can PM me.


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