# Staying married because of guilt?



## jonmon (Jul 12, 2009)

Hi everyone. Thank you for reading my post and any advice you may have.

I wonder if I am married to my wife because I would feel guilty to leave her. Although she is a wonderful person, I doubt that I love her. 

I have been married to my wife for a little over 3 years. 

My wife is Russian and moved to the United States nearly 9 years ago. She lived in Philadelphia when we met (I live in Denver). We met on "blind" date one evening and continued our communication after she returned home. We spent the better part of the next year flying back and forth to one another's city and developed our relationship. I "proposed" over the phone a little over a year and we were married in Las Vegas less than a week later. 1 month after the wedding we moved her from Philadelphia to Denver and have lived together ever since.

There are many wonderful atributes of my wife that I love and admire. We genuinely have great communication, shared values and expectations. She is strong, beautiful and I'm sure would make a great life partner. 

My issues are these: I do not find her to be that interesting/ we do not share the same passion for things. Consequently, I am not emotionally fulfilled when we casually talk.....we never just openly talk about "nothing" and we never really have though out our relationship. 

I compare this aspect to what I share with my sister in that my sister and I can just chit chat for hours about whatever. I have come to feel that although I may have a supporting cast at home, I really feel lonely and without a true, satisfying partner. 

We recently miscarried and since then, I have "realized" that perhaps having a child may not be the best move right now. My doubts about my marriage have persisted for many, many months prior to us trying for a baby. Since the miscarriage though, I have pulled away and suggested we work on our marriage.

She is confused by this - rightfully so. I have seemed to do a 180 on her and completely blindsided her in doing so........

Since then, she has felt insecure and has done her part to try and accommodate me while I straighten out. She asks me several times a day if I love her, to which I always reply of course. However, it feels like a lie. I do not prefer to spend intimate time with her, I almost always fall asleep on the couch, and have become withdrawn in almost all aspects of my life. I am almost constantly unhappy, almost in a total blah mood 90% of the time. My best buddy is my dog whom my wife has become jealous of. 

At this point, I feel like I might only be with her because it would devastate her if we were not together. I do not know if I could stand if front of her as a failed husband.

Sorry for the tangent. It feels good thought to say things honestly without the fear of consequence. 


Once again, thanks for your help.

JONMON


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

Please don't stay married out of guilt. It is not right to put her through this if you have lost your feelings for her. If you can't fix it together then separating might be the next step to see if you want to be together or divorce.

Emotions are a killer & you don't want to play with them if your not into the marriage anymore.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Be glad you don't have a child yet if this is how you are feeling.

Is there a chance you are depressed? With it becoming more manifest after the miscarriage?

You are absolutly right to talk to her about what is going on...be completely honest with her. Either is will draw you closer and you will choose to stay in the marriage, or it will divide you further and make your next move obvious.


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## MikeSushi (Jul 12, 2009)

ugh.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

There are many wonderful atributes of my wife that I love and admire. We genuinely have great communication, shared values and expectations. She is strong, beautiful and I'm sure would make a great life partner. 

My issues are these: I do not find her to be that interesting/ we do not share the same passion for things. Consequently, I am not emotionally fulfilled when we casually talk.....we never just openly talk about "nothing" and we never really have though out our relationship. 

_________________________________

You need to make up your mind. 
She is either a good partner and you need to work to learn to
communicate or you can't.
I feel you should seek professional counseling to learn to communicate before you decide she isn't for you because she can't chit chat wityh you like your sister does. After all you have known your sister all your life.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good idea to stop the baby trying!

Don't expect your wife to fulfull your emotional needs and have the same degree of passion on things. The things you have mentioned are positive traits in a marriage. Work on yourself and stop focusing too much on your wife's negative traits (although you really have mentioned many negatives).

See how this goes.....you are married and committed. Work on it individually.


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## dietcoke (Sep 8, 2009)

Can you post an update to tell us what you decided to do? I am in a similar situation. 
Thanks.


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## Beth78 (Oct 12, 2014)

I posted a thread about marrying out of guilt. I just recently voiced my guilt to him. A week later he finally moved out. I'm on the fence about what to do next. This has been going on for almost 20 years too long. He's a fabulous dad...a good person. But we are so distant mentally, spiritually, and physically, I feel dead inside.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This thread is FIVE YEARS old!!! I think OP is long gone... Wonder what he ever decided...?


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