# Shallow Pool



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

It's wonderful when good thoughts hit you right between the eyes.

I thought I was ready to date but really in my mind and heart I am just not there. It's not that I think so much of my stbx, it's more I need to find what drives ME other than being around people. 

I think when I made the statement out loud that I only want to lease and never buy again was the turning point. I won't ever marry again but I need to let the bitter go and find the happy person in myself.

I know there is really no point to this post but just me letting a little out. I think it also has to do with being sad. One of the workers (35 years) at work killed himself a few days ago and I can't get that picture out of my head. He had a loving marriage of 25 years and he let that go.

Maybe I should change my user name to


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It's good you realized it. Take your time and learn about you first. 

Wow, that's really a shame about your co worker. Sometimes things like that never make sense. Fighting their demons just get to be overwhelming. It's such a shame they can't see beyond the storm.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

It always makes me sad when I hear something like what happened to your co-worker. And frequently they leave so many questions unanswered, and their survivors have no closure, no answers, no known reasons for their loss. That's really hard.

It's the same way for some of us surviving/working our way through divorce. I posted this on another thread somewhere already, but I know I'll never get any closure or truthful answers from my STBXH, because he either couches everything in sugar-coating and lies, or he doesn't even understand his own reasons to even articulate it to another person. So I have to learn to be OK with not knowing why, or at least not hearing it from him. I know him well enough to have a pretty accurate idea of what's going on inside his head, but he will never confirm it for me. And that has to be enough for me.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there.

Anyway... good on you for recognizing you're not ready, and for actually applying that to your life right now. And if you've decided you won't ever marry again, well good for you for knowing yourself well enough to say that.

If I meet the right guy, I would get married again, because I still believe in the possibility of a healthy, life-long, loving relationship. But I will approach relationships/marriage differently in the future based on what I've learned from my miserable failure of a marriage. VERY differently. 

I'm also in no rush, and if I don't find the right guy, I'm not going to get married again. I'm OK with me being on my own; in fact, I like it.

I do NOT, however, think I will just live with a man again. My STBXH and I moved in together after 2.5 months of dating, and I think that was a HUGE mistake. Especially since in his mind it was all about money (even though he didn't tell me that!), and I thought it was romantic, that he was asking me to move in for romantic reasons and he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I recognize now that was a pretty stupid thing to do -- but I was young and in love. *sigh*


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> It always makes me sad when I hear something like what happened to your co-worker. And frequently they leave so many questions unanswered, and their survivors have no closure, no answers, no known reasons for their loss. That's really hard.My heart breaks for his wife and boys. He did not leave a note.
> 
> It's the same way for some of us surviving/working our way through divorce. I posted this on another thread somewhere already, but I know I'll never get any closure or truthful answers from my STBXH, because he either couches everything in sugar-coating and lies, or he doesn't even understand his own reasons to even articulate it to another person. So I have to learn to be OK with not knowing why, or at least not hearing it from him. I know him well enough to have a pretty accurate idea of what's going on inside his head, but he will never confirm it for me. And that has to be enough for me.
> I will never know all the reasons for my divorce, stbxh won't talk to me except to say yep and ok and txs. Beginning to think he was never smart enough to handle me in the first place.
> ...


We all have been young and in love, it's a great feeling. Now we can be wise and in love


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Tomara said:


> We all have been young and in love, it's a great feeling. Now we can be wise and in love



That's a great way to think about it. This whole situation sucks, but I am definitely much, much wiser for having experienced it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I jumped into dating as soon as my marriage ended - a knee jerk reaction I suppose. I did it for a few months, then realized I am not ready. I have to "find myself" first. I'm not emotionally available right now.

Take your time, find out about you, find yourself and learn to love yourself. There's no rush. It's healthy after the breakup of a marriage to take time on your own and do some self discovery and work on yourself.


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