# It's time ....



## ifonly (Aug 21, 2009)

Quick background - Married X 17 yrs, together 3 before that, have 14 year old dtr. What I've come to realize is that all the times I did not assert myself in the marriage is now coming back to haunt me. I would put my H in the "controlling" category but I knew that when I married him, I just didn't recognize how this would over time create so many scars and emotional pain. I was NOT good at setting and maintaining boundaries as I had to fight for every aspect that respresented any form of an independant life. I accept all of this. So for the last year we have been in marriage counseling with a VERY good counselor this time around. I will say my H has made many important changes, as have I. However, I am at a point now that I just can't do this ANYMORE. I absolutely need a break to think and evaluate my life to know if I think I can begin to put any energy into being apart of healing this relationship. Our counselor has even told him he needs to "back off" and give me some space several times in our last few sessions. But my H just doesn't get it. He's following me from room to room, out to my CAR, constantly wanting to have endless discussions about how, why, where, who's at fault, all that he has done, why I can't recommitt the way he has etc, etc, etc. Even when I go to bed he won't let me sleep and just goes on and on. I feel so trapped, I CANNOT breathe, unbelievaby suffocated. I've begged and pleaded for space, he thinks and evening or two ought to take care of that.
The problem is he won't agree to any form of separation at all in any form. When I mentioned even a 2 month separation to just clear my head he said basically its either all in or all out. He won't be apart of a separation, if I want to be away from him that badly then I just better go and everything will be sold asap. It would be easy to just say "fine, that's that". But, I've worked HARD for 20 years for the home and property we have, and assets, made MANY sacrifices and don't want to just throw all that away so easily. (Its not that I'm a materialistic person, its more a matter of our hobbies/interests are very involved and one of the things my dtr loves the most. She has said the one thing she fears most is losing the opportunity to be involved in the events we do now and how much that would change. 
It would make all these last 10 years an absolute waste. 
AND finally, all this time I have been trying to find a way to "be free" without causing so much devastation to everyone around me. It just seems that making the right decision for me causes so much pain to so many others. I just wish there were a way to negociate this in a way that could be amicable, I just don't know what that is. My family and my friends tell me there isn't a way to do that. It is painful and others will be hurt and theres no way around that.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

oh my gosh...you could be my wife...

let me tell you this, from the guy's perspective:

we did not honor your freedom and independence. this is the horrible price we pay.

there's no way to undo the controlling.

it was not done to keep you from growing. but we were afraid of you growing AWAY.

we know deep down that you have been working damned hard to make this work. you're worn out. we know.

now, take your space. but please come back. you know we care. maybe too much?

if i could turn back time..." i heard that stupid cher song on the goddam radio today and busted out in tears.

but there's no way to turn it back. we can't undo the crap. let's start fresh...today. you won't be disappointed.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

I have control problems with my DH too. What it looks like to me is that he is still very much trying to control you. Giving you an 'all or nothing' ultimatum, not letting you sleep, constantly wanting to hash things out, and pushing you to re-commit ... these are all ways he's trying to control you and wear you down so you'll just cave and do what he wants. 

I am sorry but I will be honest. I think he hasn't fixed the problem that he has AT ALL. He's just changed they SYMPTOMS so they look different and you don't recognize them. 

I have no idea what you should do. I'm sorry.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ifonly,

You are so worried about others, you've lost your sense of self. You've been de-selfed. Your husband is controlling. But, not to sound mean, you enabled it. Are your thoughts "Don't rock the boat", "peace at any cost". It sounds like it from things you post.

You are blaming him most likely because this angers you. Yet you won't rock the boat and give in. Stop saying he did that or you did that. Start thinking "I don't like this because of x....." He will countermove to old moves. I don't care its all or nothing etc. You've got to be prepared at those moments to say again "I know you've been working on you but I need space to work on me so that we can move forward together". 

I'm not some genius or expert or anything, just my opinion. This is from a book I'm reading to improve myself. I see a lot of me in your statements that is all.


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## ifonly (Aug 21, 2009)

No, I agree with you. I have created a great majority of this. I did backdown on so many things as it was so draining to have to fight for every thing that was important to me, my friends, MY family get-togethers, interests outside what we did as a couple. It just took so much continual, non-stop (really) effort to do any of these things. I did find it easier to get let it happen. I didn't feel as exhausted, at the time, and it created less conflict in the home and that was important for me as well as my daughter. I had to pick and choose my words, still do to some degree, as if I really spoke my mind he'd pout for days, and act as if I'd punished him just for being clear about my views. The counselor has even made it very clear to me I HAVE TO STOP carefully choosing words. I just say as it is and he needs to respond to that in an adult manner. But, that means I have to ignore all the "poor me" behaviors, the slamming of items on the counter, the you are so cold, etc etc. 
I filled out a rental agreement but haven't turned it in yet. I worry a bit about his reaction to such a move. But the little time I've been able to carve out for myself brings me the chance to breathe, relax and feel like I'm getting me feet on the ground again. We don't see the counselor for another week or so. Although my personal therapist, I've seen only 3 times, suggested I do find a quiet place for now as its not healthy to be in a place of such intensity and angst. The walking on eggshells kind of thing. Dreading going home and getting that sick feeling as not knowing what to expect as far as emotional upheaval. 
I have to say this is very cathartic just letting all this out, but let me be clear. I hold my self VERY ACCOUNTABLE for this. It's kept me stuck for 5-6 years as I've blamed myself for not understanding him or the situation better. For not just living my life despite the cost and in some ways punishment that followed. Believe me, those around me, have told me for years that I tolerate too much but I really wanted my marriage to work and not have a broken home. Thanks for the support it does really seem to help and give a person new perspectives.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Ifonly,

I suggest the book I'm reading "The Dance of Anger" by Harriett Lerner. This book was suggested by my counselor. I realized Monday that I have an anger problem. Not the rage and violence anger, but anger nonetheless. My coping mechanism as been to be the "peace at any costs" type of person. In this way I became "de-selfed". 

I know you are taking responsiblity for your actions. It is just a different mindset here. The perspective is to change yourself to change the other person. To change yourself you have to look at things and say things differently. That is what I'm doing. I am no longer blaming my w for anything. Because I allowed it to happen.

I'm not saying my w didn't do anything wrong here just looking at it from a different perspective.


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## ifonly (Aug 21, 2009)

Thank You, that sounds like a good book and something that could quite benefit me overall. I appreciate your candor and I can definately see how much I've contributed to my own unhappiness. Going through this process one thing I do know for sure, I will not be the same person in the end. I will have grown and learned some very valuable lessons and tools. AND if my marriage survives by some miraculous means it will be a marriage that I want to be in and one that brings satisfaction to both of us in ways it probably should have been all along.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You may end up needing to separate in order for him to "get it." The clingy, needy, "its all or nothing" will drive you crazy! It's sounds like you already are about to lose it..ha. 

Yes. He sounds like he means the "all or nothing" but don't expect him to bail because you separate. If you end up wanting to separate. Give it to him straight.."I need space and I will take it for myself. My hope is that it will give me some time to think and work on myself. I hope you will do the same." Tell him what you would like to see out of the marriage. If your intention is to come back into a healthy, happier marriage tell him that. However, tell him that you hope that he doesn't decide hastilly to end your marriage because he can't give you some slack. Do this discussion in a calm, loving, decisive manner. He may overreact...prepare for this.

Another option, is to separate under the same roof. However, I am not sure he is capable of this as he's following you and all....

Or...go on a weekend or week trip to visit family/friend. Not sure if you work outside the home. Basically, TAKE your SPACE.


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