# New here &#x1f44b; Need advise



## Brigette (Feb 23, 2020)

In short; my husband and I fight alot. Not physical, just constant bickering and just simply don't get along. Been married almost 2 years, together 8. Some days are better than others, but most days are just on repeat. My problem I'm having is, tomorrow is supposed to be a surprise baby shower for me that he literally threw together. Like next to no effort. Just a last min thing bc I'm sue in a few weeks. I found out from 2 different sources, unintentionally of course. Nonetheless, I know about it and he thinks I don't. Now I know when he finds out that I know it's going to be a huge fight that will lead to us fighting in front of everybody. He will be pissed and start a big scene questioning me asking who told, like it's my fault. Should I tell him I know before, or just act surprised and wait until we're alone. We're not getting along right now and I'm actually annoyed about the fact that this is a surprise and I know I should be grateful. But all I keep thinking about is stupid materialistic things. Like, no ones seen my registry so how could anyone possibly know what I need. He wouldn't know where or how to find that. I know he just went to party city and bought "it's a boy" decorations which is just tacky. I'm a big Pinterest party planner so again I know its stupid, but I've told him I want to plan the shower. So I'm annoyed about that. He doesn't have addresses so I know he didn't send invites which tells me he only invited people on facebook or text, and that also means there will be family that wont be there bc he doesn't have their number or address. He plans on just taking me to my "friends" tomorrow for girl time which will be the shower and he doesn't tell me to dress up or look nice so if I really didn't know otherwise, I'd look like a walrus walking into my shower and he wouldn't be the wiser 😣 I'm just really irritated I feel like bc we're already fighting so it's like every little thing he didn't take time to plan out is bothering me and I feel like he's only doing it out of spite bc I told him I wouldn't want him to plan a party bc he's not good at it, he's just good with trips and vacations, and he made a comment "oh well now im going to just to prove you wrong".


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Congratulations on the upcoming addition to your family. 

Now, indulge me for a moment... 

He planned a surprise baby shower for you, being hosted at your friend's home (or at least, that's the meeting point). 

If you're able to calm the emotion, expectations, and bickering, I'd suggest just letting go and rolling with what could be a pleasant moment in time.

Who knows, maybe he _will_ prove you wrong. Also, if you were my friend and it was being hosted at our home, I'd ensure the relevant touches were taken care of. 

Try not to predict how this is going to go... if just for this occasion, approach your dynamic differently. 

It sounds like all you need to do is show up and enjoy yourself.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And, whose to say that once the baby arrives, you can't have a 'come meet the baby' brunch, perhaps with a registry and pinterested ideas?

Let us know how it pans out... and remember, you're on the same team.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Really! Your husband goes to the trouble to arranging a shower for you and you are complaining that its not going to be good enough!!! You really need to take a hard look at yourself and your role in damaging your marriage. Arranging a shower is above and beyond for even a good husband. This is the realm of girl friend and female family. You should be thanking your lucky stars he is thoughtful enough to arrange a surprise celebration for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Brigette, let me ask you some questions:-

1) Are you a perfectionist?

2) Are you hyper-critical of people who cannot meet your high standards?

3) Some people would think it kind of sweet that your husband is trying to organise a surprise party for you, even though you are an expert party planner. You don't. Why?

4) Why will there be a huge fight? Might you be able to stop that fight by not fighting?

5) You could organise a surprise New Father Baby Shower for him, maybe?

If you are well known on Pinterest as a party planner, using your user name here, it might be helpful to change your user name on TAM. @EleGirl our site admin can deal with this for you.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

marriage counseling might do ya'll a WORLD of good - learning how to better communicate .... if you love him, he loves you, ya'll can try and figure a better way to communicate


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I'd say spend your time in self reflection. 
It will do your marriage more good than any MC.
The only problem you can fix is you. 
That's all you can do. 
Sounds to me like you have plenty of fixing to do.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Do what I did at the 40th birthday party my exH threw for me. Act as surprised as you can! He doesn't need to know his plan for a surprise was ruined. Try to look at the fact that he thinks he's doing something really good for you. I think that's worth a lot. I would hope you do too.

I wish you well on the birth of your baby.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Agreed, focus on the good. This would never even cross my husbands mind! 

Are you registered already? If you aren’t register! If you are start oozing to your friends about how you just finished your registry at “xyz” and are so excited at all the cute stuff. Tell as many people as you can think of, especially ones that are good at spreading the word.

Congrats on your sweet little blessing you have cooking in there!!!!


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