# Should 'little' lies make me SO angry???



## liarliarpantsonfire (Jun 9, 2010)

My story is a LONG, fairly complicated one. I met my fiance in Iraq, and we had what we both assumed was only a fling... until I got pregnant. Then, we figured it was only fair to the baby to atleast try to have a relationship, so we did, and we fell in love. We agreed at the beginning of my pregnancy we would both stop smoking... I succeeded and have not started again, and he has been lying and using one form of nicotine or another for the last 2 years.He never even tried. I have caught him several times, but was too dumb to realize he was doing it ALL the time. He spends $ on it when we don't even have $ for diapers. BUT... the worst part is, I wont let him do it around me or the kids, or when he is home period, so he always acts like such a jerk when hes home, because he needs nicotine. I moved across the country away from my family so he could be near his... Im all alone, but I formed a pretty good relationship with his mom... except he sabotages it by telling her I am lying, and he doesnt smoke at all, he has her convinced I am crazy and create things in my mind. Its so frustrating. I know I can't control him...but its so frustrating, and I cant accept it. He lies about other things too, like pornography, and once or twice he has used cocaine... He is not a coke addict, he was drunk and being stupid. But the pornography hurts me deeply. I am very insecure...I gained ALOT of weight with my 1st pregnancy 
(80+bls) Very quickly because I was put on bedrest mid-pregnancy due to complications.... I have very sensitive skin and got ALOT of really large, really dark stretch marks.... I lost 40lbs of the weight before I got pregnant again....then gained it, and have recently lost THAT baby weight, with 40lbs to go. But, diet and exercise doesnt help stretch marks... He knows how I feel about him looking at other women ( I dont blame him, I am so so ugly) so he tries to cover it up....and then tries to make me think I am crazy some more.Why cant he just not look at it???!?!? We have sex EVERY day, sometimes more than once... I even pretend like I want to and Im in to it even if I'm sick, or tired....or hurt because of his lies.... I don't know what to do... Most people say I am over reacting, all men look at porn, most just hide it better, and as for the smoking, I should give up, its a lost cause. BUT I cant. I cant accept these little vices of his. I wont. I'm ready to leave....but I think my babies need their daddy. They love him, and he loves them. And, I gave up everythimg....my career, my family... I have no job, no $... we arent even marrried yet, and everything is in his name. It is illegal to remove a child from their home, and he says he would press kidnappingcharges if I ever take them....help....am I crazy?


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Why does it matter what everyone else thinks? If YOU don't like it, isn't that enough of a reason for it to be a problem?

Worry more about what you want and need, rather than what everyone else considers "normal" or "everyone does that a LITTLE bit". If you don't like it, confront it. If he doesn't fix it, perhaps he doesn't really care about the relationship.


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## liarliarpantsonfire (Jun 9, 2010)

He says he is sorry alot... and promises to fix it, and just doesnt. He thinks he is so smart, and what I don't know wont hurt me. He is not sorry for the things he does, or he wouldnt continue to do them.....but I think he may be sorry that I found out and it hurt me. I think he loves me, and maybe underestimates my intelligence. I think every time, he honestly thinks there is no way I'll ever know... And, with the porn....it is true, if I didnt know, it wouldnt hurt me...but, I cant trust him enough to not snoop.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

if you don't want to find porn on your husband's computer you shouldn't be snooping...here's a little tidbit for you, ALL men look at porn and masturbate to it, its what we do. If a guy says he doesn't he's a bald faced liar. A recent study found that 1/3 of all sites on the internet are porn sites, where in the world would that demand come from? Its because ALL men and many women partake.

if he said he would quit smoking then he needs to honor that, its hard to do but not impossible, I've heard there are several drugs that work really well, and once you kick the habit you're done with it.


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## liarliarpantsonfire (Jun 9, 2010)

thetruth said:


> if you don't want to find porn on your husband's computer you shouldn't be snooping...here's a little tidbit for you, ALL men look at porn and masturbate to it, its what we do. If a guy says he doesn't he's a bald faced liar. A recent study found that 1/3 of all sites on the internet are porn sites, where in the world would that demand come from? Its because ALL men and many women partake.
> 
> if he said he would quit smoking then he needs to honor that, its hard to do but not impossible, I've heard there are several drugs that work really well, and once you kick the habit you're done with it.



Really? ALL men need to look at porn? Yeah freakin right. If you would prefer to jerk off rather than go f**k your wife that will give it up whenever you want, you have ISSUES. And its hard not to notice your history wiped off of the computer you share. If you knew the woman you loved would never be happy as long as you looked at other women naked, would you really choose that over her happiness? Really? Thats crazy. Maybe I should be single. 

And NO once you kick the smoking habit you are not just 'done'. All it takes is a moment of weakness....like, for instance, you are drinking, and your significant other, who smokes, lights up. Or, you are very stressed taking care of 2 children in diapers, and know there is a pack in the kitchen drawer....get it?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

liarliarpantsonfire said:


> If you knew the woman you loved would never be happy as long as you looked at other women naked, would you really choose that over her happiness? Really?


this is such an integral part of this struggle. i asked myself this question so many times. my heart broke because i thought it was as simple as if he loved me he would stop looking at porn. 

its not that simple. and its also a very selfish outlook on your part. i know that sounds harsh and might even make you angry, ive been there, but im also on the other side of the struggle and can look back at my own demands and realize how selfish i had been towards my H, albeit after three years of counseling and dozens of books. i objectified him as an object of my happiness instead of seeing him as a person with his own struggles. its not as simple as if he loved you he would quit.

Just because you are his wife does not mean all his choices must be about you. His choices are hurting you, that is undeniable, but i hope you will explore the idea that even though his choices hurt you, that doesnt necessarily make it a "bad" choice, or make him a "bad" person. It does mean that maybe he is not the guy for you. If he cant quit, and you cant stop hurting from it, you probably need to leave.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

liarliarpantsonfire said:


> Really? ALL men need to look at porn? Yeah freakin right. If you would prefer to jerk off rather than go f**k your wife that will give it up whenever you want, you have ISSUES. And its hard not to notice your history wiped off of the computer you share. If you knew the woman you loved would never be happy as long as you looked at other women naked, would you really choose that over her happiness? Really? Thats crazy. Maybe I should be single.
> 
> And NO once you kick the smoking habit you are not just 'done'. All it takes is a moment of weakness....like, for instance, you are drinking, and your significant other, who smokes, lights up. Or, you are very stressed taking care of 2 children in diapers, and know there is a pack in the kitchen drawer....get it?


you're living in a freakin dream world lady -lol

I never said all men NEED to look at porn, I said simply that they do, that's the reality. And it has nothing to do with not wanting to **** your wife, the dynamic with masturbation is entirely different than sex with another person. You might want to try masturbating yourself to a video sometime, you might loosen up a bit. It sounds like what you need is not this impossible man who has no interest in porn but a man who doesn't flaunt it in your face. Both Google Chrome and the newer versions of Firefox support 'private browsing' (aka 'Porno' Mode) so that you don't leave any problematic traces behind. Tell your hubby to take advantage of the feature so you can pretend he doesn't look at porn.

My wife and I both work demanding jobs so our schedules don't always align, we both are comfortable in our realtionship to enjoy porn for masturbation without feeling threatened by it because we know its got nothing to do with love, its just a release and the 'releasing' is healthy. We have a wonderful sex life together and apart and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Read up on smoking, you are sadly misinformed. The physical addiction is gone after 3-5 days, after that its all mental but doesn't usually take longer than a month if you apply yourself wholeheartedly. Once you've kicked it you have to take the approach that having a lapse one night while drinking is a minor moment of weakness, just don't ever buy them and you wont have any extras in a pack in your drawer. People can't quit because they don't WANT to quit, the actual process itself is only difficult for a few weeks


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

The problem I have with your marriage is the one I had with mine: when your husband thinks he knows better than you, dismisses your wishes and does his own thing? Trouble. This is how my husband found himself in an affair. 

Does your guy want it to work or just want his own way without being a true partner?

Best,

Lyn


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

Oh dear, sounds like you've gotten yourself into a right pickle!

Kay... Porn. Yup pretty much all men look at porn to some degree. We can't help it. It IS different to sex with your significant other, and nowhere near as good. It's just different. Except in rare cases it's really not something to get worked-up over. This might sound really "out there"...but have you considered watching/looking at it with him? You could even navigate to other stuff on the net that YOU find stimulating, too. Or, say, spend 1 hour viewing porn...then have him read to you from one of those female-targetted porn-like books.

Weight and dark stretch marks... humm, well you might hate them but he probably doesn't so much. You have sex sometimes more than once a day... He's certainly still attracted to you!!!!

Men sometimes don't realise that there failing to complete agreed changes in behaviour etc within a relationship can cause so much angst in the female. Such as his smoking etc.

My wife a while back suprised the hell out of me by spanking me. First time she was mad as hell and used the belt. We talked it through and I had to agree it saved a vacation and lots of arguing. She know had a paddle and wooden hairbrush and uses it on me, sparingly, when, and this is how she describes it "you hear the words I am saying but aren't listening". It might sound kinky to some, but I can assure you it hurts like hell and I have to admit I can recall every single thing she said during it the morning afterwards.

We've never been happier or closer.

I'm still "allowed" to look at pron


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