# Janney69



## Janney69 (Aug 27, 2018)

Hi I'm in my late 40s and have been married for 25 years 23 1/2 years of those very happy. I met my husband 27 years ago and fell in love and I felt he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.before we got married we discussed having children and that we both wanted them. We got married and due to my husbands illness of diabetes he became impotent and infertile.This happened shortly after we got married. I was tested and everything was ok with me. My husband suffered with retrograde ejaculation. We spent 7 long years and thousands of pounds on IVF including ICSI..We discussed Donor sperm but we both decided that if it wasn't our child together then it wasn't to be. We then adopted 2 lovely children who we cherish. We have had a lot of ups and downs with health but we managed to laugh our way through it. Our children have grown into 2 lovely adults. Everything has been fine although I have missed out years of intimacy. I've tried over the years to discuss this but gave up. 
About a year and half ago we decided to book a once in a lifetime cruise to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this year. We were at a family birthday party a couple of weeks later and I was speaking to his father saying how much we were looking forward to the cruise, and how lucky we were that we had a good marriage, hardly ever argued and that as far as I was aware that none of us had been unfaithful and although we had been through a lot in our marriage we were strong and loved each other. I remember thinking we knew all that there was to know about each other, we even could be thinking of the same thing at the same time. 

2 weeks later my whole world fell apart. It was a Sunday morning my husband asked me to sit down. His first words were Don't Leave Me. I thought he was going to say he was homosexual and that would explain the lack of intimacy. 

He went on to say that 29 years ago he slept with the local bike (his words not mine) and it turned out that he had fathered a child. I asked did I know them. He went on to tell me the child lived next door to us. The person who had moved in next door to us 8 months ago. To say I was shocked, heartbroken was an understatement. It turned out about 23 years ago not long after we were married we were at a party which was being held at a relative of the child. My husband had been looking at some family photos of the relative on the wall and the relative had said don't you think that looks like your sister it should do she's yours. I apparently was standing near him at the time. I can remember the party and I remember my husband saying we were leaving all of a sudden. Thinking back on it he didn't really like me speaking to this person over the years and did his best to keep me away from them. He said he thought this relative was being vindictive and she could of said the same thing to anybody else. He then went onto say that the child's mother had approached him one day saying that the authorities we asking who the father of the child was and he quickly walked off. Another time our son was in the pub and a friend of his had said to our son he comes your sister. He told the friend to be quiet. He also that when he saw this child hands it reminded him of his grandmother hands. 

He told me how on the Friday night previous to the Sunday he had met the child in the street and said to them we need to get this sorted. 

He waited from the Friday to the Sunday before telling me when I questioned him why it took so long to tell me he replied he couldn't get me on my own to tell me which was rubbish.

Straight away I said it would be best to get a DNA test done. The child is one of 6 she has 3 older siblings and 2 younger sibling all to various men. There has been a lot of talk in our town previously who the father could be. 

The day the DNA test was done the subject of this child's father came up at a friends house. I sat there saying nothing as I knew that day my husband had submitted a DNA test. They were unable to put the mothers DNA as unfortunately she had passed away 8 years prior. 
The DNA test came back positive which I knew it would.

Since then I have cried everyday. I'm devastated, heartbroken I feel angry, cheated, I just can't understand why my husband didn't tell me that night 23 years ago what the relative had said. He says that's it because he thought she was lying and it only dawned on him the night when he met the child in the street. To me this doesn't ring true why did he tell me all the other things that pointed to this child being his. Why did he never even give me a hint. Why when we talked about donor did he not say let's go for it. He was told before we even started IVF. 

I feel used someone that he has hidden behind all these years because he didn't want anybody to know he had a one night stand with the mother. 

I feel he has been unfair to me he has denied me the right to have a child he has denied me a sex life all these years. All because of his embarrassment. 

I never use to blame him for the fact we didn't have children but I'm afraid I do now. 

His parents who we have argued over the fact that I felt they have never treated our children like there other grandchildren think it's wonderful that they have this new grandchild and have even put a family tree with her name next to our children under mine and my husband name. They invited her to a family party and myself and my daughter had to watch him going round introducing this child as his daughter that he had just found out about.

This has changed me as a person I was a happy go lucky person who enjoyed life no matter what life threw at her just got on with it. Now I'm a person who cries everyday. Who dreads every time there's a knock at the door in case it this child at the door. I've welcomed her into my home but it cuts me in two. 

I don't go out anymore as I'm so embarrassed that my husband never told me. I thought I had the perfect marriage and I never thought for one moment that my husband could keep this huge secret from me for 23 years. 

My husband now says that I have a huge chip on my shoulder. I don't know how I supposed to feel. Am I supposed to feel elated for him that he has a biological child from a 1 night stand after all those years of IVF and thousands of pounds. 

His parents have said I need to get over the fact that I didn't have a biological child( not that we didn't have a biological child together) and that I'm lucky that he allowed me to adopt as a friend wouldn't allow their wife to adopt.

Everyday when I see this child I see my husband in her and think what might of been. Am I wrong to feel aggrieved am I silly to feel upset. Am I wrong to be upset at what his parents of said. At the moment I don't know what to do.

Any advise may be useful


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Janney, sorry you're here.

First off, this is an infidelity on his part. You have every right to feel angry, sad, etc. You have every right to feel deceived by him. Infidelity means not being true to his vows. Keeping this secret was certainly a major deception and an ongoing dishonesty.

My gut tells me he only confessed to you because he saw things starting to spiral out of control and you were going to find out from other sources.

From his side of the fence I can understand how he was concerned you would be upset. Though that is no excuse for him deceiving you, it is a common situation where someone tries to keep unpleasant facts secret from their spouse.

I highly recommend the book "After the Affair" by J. Spring. It is more specifically aimed at sexual infidelity but it covers some important aspects of any infidelity. It provides both perspectives, the betrayed and the cheater, but most certainly does not excuse the cheater in any way. The book explains what each person is going through. One example is it tells the cheater to not say "just get over it". Another aspect is that for him this is old news, but for you it is brand new. He's had time to process it. He's known all along about having slept with her, and he's known for a long time the child was his. So his attitude is colored by that, and yours is colored in part by the recent shock of finding out. I think it is a book both of you could benefit from.

Good marriage counseling could help. I think you should seek out someone who specializes in infidelity, because there is a process to the recovery from it. As betrayed spouses will tell you, the fact of sex with someone else isn't the biggest deal, it is all the deception that has caused the majority of the damage to trust. The same applies to your situation. The fact he fathered a child before you even knew him isn't the biggest part of the problem, it is the dishonesty. A good MC will work you two through the process rather than just jump to things like better communication.


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## Janney69 (Aug 27, 2018)

Thank You Thor for your reply. I will certainly take a look at the book. 

I have tried marriage counselling but the counsellor was fairly new. We went for the sessions together and by ourselves. all that happened was that I poured my heart and had to go through everything and my husband just sat there and said he loved me very much and that he was to blame. He has no explanation why he never confided in me. Every time I ask why now he says he doesn't know. 

He says he doesn't know why he never told me of the conversation he had with the child's relative. He just keeps telling me that she was vindictive and for all he knew he could of been saying the same to the next guy in the room.He told me that he was going to tell me what the relative had said 7 years ago when he was ill in hospital. But he decided not. Then the next minute he tells me that he didn't think she was his child until he met her the street.

I could understand if his biological child approach him but he was the one that brought the subject up.



I have said to him surely he knew that he had slept with this woman and there could be some truth in it. 

I spoke to the relative and she told me when she told him he denied it.

I can't understand why the biological woman would tell her daughter who her biological father was and not tell him. Unfortunately I cannot speak to the Biological mother as she passed away over 9 years ago. 

I don't know what to believe anymore none of it makes sense.

I have lost all trust in what I thought was my soulmate. I've feel I've lost my best friend and my confidant. I still love him but I don't like what he has done to us. 

This has affected my daughter as she is a daddy's girl and she feels like she has been replaced despite us telling her this is not so. She is 18 but a young 18. 

His parents really haven't help. My daughter told me that when she had a conversation with her Grandad about the family tree he said to her she may not be family to you but she is to us. 

Whilst I understand that this girl is their biological granddaughter whom they met behind my husbands back for several months before telling him. And then he had to ask them before they admitted to him. I would of thought that they would of been a bit more sensitive to my son and daughters feelings. After all they are innocent in this and have been in their lives for 17 years and were brought into our lives due to the fact there son was infertile due to his illness.

My husband has told me that he has asked his parents about what they said and they have denied it. They say my daughter has misunderstood. But if you knew my daughter you would realise that she would never dream of making something like that up. 

I'm at a loss what to do next


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Janney69 said:


> Thank You Thor for your reply. I will certainly take a look at the book.
> 
> I have tried marriage counselling but the counsellor was fairly new. We went for the sessions together and by ourselves. all that happened was that I poured my heart and had to go through everything and my husband just sat there and said he loved me very much and that he was to blame. He has no explanation why he never confided in me. Every time I ask why now he says he doesn't know.
> 
> ...


Like Thor said, you have a right to feel anyway you want. 

This is a huge betrayal in so many way. Besides the infidelity he denied you a sex life for 20 or more years. 

The thing to realize is that it will take a long time to sort your feelings out. And you should take all the time that you want to do that. 

I would ask why he never wanted to have sex with you, I would really like to know that answer. And there are a thousand more. 

You need to just take your time with this, and he needs to be open an honest about everything. 

You don't have to decide what to do right at the moment, take you time, grieve and get yourself sorted. 

Then you can make a final decision...


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