# I had an affair- my friend thinks I have/had Stockholm syndrome.



## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

I have been in reconciliation for 3 years this august.

When we had D-Day I gave up all of my friends, One of them my husband just didn’t care for and that was reason enough for him. About a year ago he said I can talk with her again and although we are not close friends anymore, she made a comment to me that has me wondering. 

I decided to take it here as Im trying to learn the whys and the why not’s of the things I have done and the decisions I make. I don’t talk to anyone anymore with the exception of this friend and she recently told me I have got to stop beating myself up over cheating, That Im a good person who made a poor choice. 

She then said, “ that she thinks I cheated so my husband would leave me, as he would never tolerate a cheater”. I was taken aback by this as I feel I was in a sexless marriage and no amount of pleading was working and I was lonely. 

She brought up that for 23 years I have allowed my husband to do and say whatever he wants and verbally abuse me and that I always defended him and stayed even though he clearly was not treating me well. She is convinced I have and had Stockholm syndrome and for a short time in my life I was trying to get my husband to leave me as I could never leave him. 

I do think Im co-dependent and my husband even pointed that out to me, but Stockholm?

Is this possible?


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

No you're a cheater who wants to hear you did it because magic.


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## justanotherguy80 (Feb 12, 2014)

Way to little info here for me to go one way or the other..


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hmmmm,

I don't know about all that. the question is are things better now? and are both of you trying to put effort into your marriage.
Is the sex more frequent. and did he stop abusing you? 

if the answer is no to both then maybe it time to call it a day!


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> Hmmmm,
> 
> I don't know about all that. the question is are things better now? and are both of you trying to put effort into your marriage.
> Is the sex more frequent. and did he stop abusing you?
> ...


We do communicate much better now and we are having sex more than once every year as far as the verbal abuse, I call it extreme venting although he will turn it to something I have done or not done.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

This is to nebulous to formulate a proper response to your post quite frankly I think you're making a mistake looking for an excuse for your behavior what have you and your spouse done to try to improve the marriage ?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Are you still in a sexless marriage even after your affair 3 years ago?


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Pamvhv said:


> No you're a cheater who wants to hear you did it because magic.


What? 

I'm not justifying why I cheated, Nor do I need to. I have no one to talk to about this, so I came here. 
It was just a weird perspective someone had on my life.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Seriously? 

100 faithful choices to make to re-build your marriage. You chose to CHEAT... but now your "friend" says it wasn't your fault... You were abducted by and Mind-F--ked with the "Stockholm Syndrome" (AP) to cause your betrayal. 

This place is getting ridiculous! Lose the "friend", accept you are a cheater, pray for forgiveness, beg for mercy.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

It sounds like this friend is trying to help you feel better by justifying your choice to cheat based on actions your husbands may or may not have done.

You should make it clear to her that whatever issues you had in your marriage doesn't justify your decision to cheat. You and your husband both have 50% responsibility for whatever was going on in the marriage however cheating was 100% on you.

I'd suggest making this fact clear to your friend and avoiding further talk of that subject to her because she will only try to be the good friend and stand by your choice to cheat. That isn't what you need.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The Stockholm syndrome has to do with empathizing and identifying with one's captors.

Your distress has to do with having cheated. So you are rewriting your marriage experience to justify what you did is a result of 23 years of abuse?

I think you still need to work on what you did and why, and importantly, ditch the advice of your enabling friend.

I think you could use individual counseling too.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

RWB said:


> Seriously?
> 
> 100 faithful choices to make to re-build your marriage. You chose to CHEAT... but now your "friend" says it wasn't your fault... You were abducted by and Mind-F--ked with the "Stockholm Syndrome" (AP) to cause your betrayal.
> 
> This place is getting ridiculous! Lose the "friend", accept your you cheating , pray for forgiveness, beg for mercy.




What this guy said


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Are you still in a sexless marriage even after your affair 3 years ago?


Its not anymore, it was once a year for about 7 years now its almost everyday.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your friend is not a friend of the marriage. I suggest that you discuss this with your your husband perhaps in the company of a counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Wow!!

I have come on this board for almost 3 years now, I have bared my sole and taken the lumps. 

I have never made any excuse for what I have done, I have done everything my husband has asked of me including no friends, barely any family communication.

I go no where by myself, except for work and I talk to my husband all the way there and all the way home and including on the phone while at work. 

I cry daily for what I have done and contemplated suicide, I'm trying to understand her comment NOT justify it.

Instead I get everyone lumping me up with their own cheating spouse and have decided what kind of person I am. 

Thanks I knew better than to come here, just though I would ask for some insight.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Probably not Stockholm, but very likely co-dependent.

The challenge you have in figuring out yourself, and what you want are legitimate ends. The cheating puts you in a position where you have to give a bit more consideration to his needs then normal. At the end of the day tho, you are responsible for your own happiness. 

Truthfully I think you'd get better support on this forum:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Wayward Side Forum

On TAM you're going to get a lot of the "accept you are a cheater, pray for forgiveness, beg for mercy" kinds of comments, which don't help you grow as a person and learn from your mistakes.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

RWB said:


> Seriously?
> 
> 100 faithful choices to make to re-build your marriage. You chose to CHEAT... but now your "friend" says it wasn't your fault... You were abducted by and Mind-F--ked with the "Stockholm Syndrome" (AP) to cause your betrayal.
> 
> This place is getting ridiculous! Lose the "friend", accept you are a cheater, pray for forgiveness, beg for mercy.


Don't lump me up with everyone else you jerk! 

You don't know me and yet you feel qualified to pass judgment.

I have remorse for what I have done. I guess I should have wrote a novel and told every aspect of my life.

-molested as child.
-lost virginity at 12
-boy lost virginity to used to be extremely abusive both physically and mentally.
-Married the man who pulled me away from the abusive boy friend.
- stayed faithful to husband for the first 18 years or marriage even though husband did not want me sexually, no erectile dysfunction, he took care of his needs daily with porn, he just didn't want me. (his words)
- after have one ONS husband found out, I do everything husband wants now. 


I can tell more stuff but I don't want to make my husband look bad and frankly I don't see a need to.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

seeking sanity said:


> Probably not Stockholm, but very likely co-dependent.
> 
> The challenge you have in figuring out yourself, and what you want are legitimate ends. The cheating puts you in a position where you have to give a bit more consideration to his needs then normal. At the end of the day tho, you are responsible for your own happiness.
> 
> ...


Thank You, 

I know I will get nothing is way of support on here and that's fine, I'm used to being beat-up by men. There is no excuse for cheating I take full responsibility for it, It was not a mistake it was a choice I made, I should have left my husband as he has told me in the past he saw no need for him to have sex with me.

I do find it interesting that woman are always evil and men were just being this wonderful caring person who's wife was treated like a queen and one day she cheated. 

I was never on a pedestal, I work and my husband stays home. (7+ years now) Not because we have small children, because he says he likes to stay home and sees no reason why he should get a job if I can make the bills work. (no I don't make good money)

It seems no one can ever have a hand in the destruction of their own marriage. I know I put the nail in the coffin, but I didn't put the coffin in the ground. 

My husband I talk a lot now and he has said he knows the things he has done to me pushed me out the door, again no excuse.

I just thought someone could give me some insight to what my friend said, instead I find myself trying to defend myself.

My mistake for coming here. I will learn!!


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

MoonBay said:


> It sounds like this friend is trying to help you feel better by justifying your choice to cheat based on actions your husbands may or may not have done.
> 
> You should make it clear to her that whatever issues you had in your marriage doesn't justify your decision to cheat. You and your husband both have 50% responsibility for whatever was going on in the marriage however cheating was 100% on you.
> 
> I'd suggest making this fact clear to your friend and avoiding further talk of that subject to her because she will only try to be the good friend and stand by your choice to cheat. That isn't what you need.


I agree, Thank you for not being a bully.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

workindad said:


> Your friend is not a friend of the marriage. I suggest that you discuss this with your your husband perhaps in the company of a counselor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would love to tell my husband.

He wont go to counseling, I have asked for the last 20 years.

He can be a bit volatile and I'm afraid he would actually put his hands around her throat and ask questions later. as I have seen him do this with someone that cut him off in traffic.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

It's not true that you will not get support here, as a truly remorseful former wayward. That wasn't what you asked, though. My humble opinion is that this friend of yours is out of her (I assume) depth in analyzing your situation. Don't buy it.

If your friends were helping facilitate your affair then it was the right thing to do to drop them. But you should not now be without friends, nor should you be in a sexless marriage 3 years after the fact. Those are the things to work on now.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

learning to love myself said:


> Wow!!
> 
> I have come on this board for almost 3 years now, I have bared my sole and taken the lumps.
> 
> ...


If this is your take away, then you are being defensive and self protective.

Instead, I think you ought to pursue individual counseling about your behavior, past abuse, etc.

If your marriage is as described, that is no marriage at all. Consider leaving it.

Just don't make excuses to yourself about cheating. This board is keen to pick up on such things.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You friend does not sound positive or helpful. Could you cultivate some outside interests and make friends thorough shared activities?


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## crankinfinity (May 5, 2014)

michzz said:


> If this is your take away, then you are being defensive and self protective.


Maybe. It could be reasonable, too.



michzz said:


> Just don't make excuses to yourself about cheating. This board is keen to pick up on such things.


The attacks in this thread aren't about "keen to pick up on such things". It's about presentation. This board is keen to crucify people who really need help. Then the excuse for poor behavior towards other members who need that help is justified with their pain.

learning to love myself: just ignore the wounded.



michzz said:


> If your marriage is as described, that is no marriage at all. Consider leaving it.


100% agreed. Based on what little we know, it sounds wise to dissolve the marriage and move along to a healthier place.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> I would love to tell my husband.
> 
> He wont go to counseling, I have asked for the last 20 years.
> 
> He can be a bit volatile and I'm afraid he would actually put his hands around her throat and ask questions later. as I have seen him do this with someone that cut him off in traffic.


Are you sure there isn't anyway to convince him to go to counseling?

It looks like he feels cutting you off from the world (no family, no friends) will prevent you from straying again, but that's not healthy because you do need a support system and controlling you isn't the answer.

Have you considered individual counseling for yourself?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

learning to love myself said:


> Don't lump me up with everyone else you jerk!
> 
> You don't know me and yet you feel qualified to pass judgment.
> 
> ...


Lump?

You posted. Have you accepted that no one forced you to Cheat?

Your horrible past prior is what "forced" you to cheat, really?... do your really believe that's the reason? You chose to cheat because you could. Blame it on ... does it really matter. 

Re-Read my 1st post, leave your emotions out... I never said you were not a good person, shown remorse, wanting to make anew for your actions. Just accept your actions and be a better spouse.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

People always find a perfectly sound reason to explain everything they've done wrong in life.

If not the one your friend suggested, you'll think up another eventually.

When I want a drink or a smoke, my brain will _always _supply good 'reasons' to have one. The brain works on justifying whatever I _want_, even if logically, I can put forward a hundred verbal arguments against the thing I want, but: emotionally, the battle is already over and the drink and cigarette is in my hands. 

Brain will supply the justification in short order.

Now that I know how it works, I don't even bother justifying any more. Who's it fooling but me?

The TRUTH is I drink and smoke and flirt whenever there is the opportunity, guaranteed. So it's a question of reducing opportunities instead of moralising about it.

So in the same sense ask yourself this:

Who's it fooling but you, to go along with this psychobabble?

You slept around because you were horny, enjoyed the added thrill of deception and thought you were clever. You might have carried on if there hadn't been consequences. I've done the same - I'm not a 'good' person nor a bad one, just a constant improver, (I hope.)

Say to yourself:

"I try to actively avoid temptations now. I have not magically 'changed' - I'm still horny and enjoy tricking people, but I've changed my circumstances to reduce temptation in this particular area, because of the harm it could do to myself and people I care about."

Turn that into a point of pride, rather than justifying the past or dwelling on 'why'. The truth of 'why' is that you're made of flesh and blood and not plastic.

And incidentally, one cannot be good 24/7. You'll get goodness fatugue. So even if you think you're 'stronger'... don't tempt yourself with little 'tests'.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> I have been in reconciliation for 3 years this august.
> 
> When we had D-Day I gave up all of my friends, One of them my husband just didn’t care for and that was reason enough for him. About a year ago he said I can talk with her again and although we are not close friends anymore, she made a comment to me that has me wondering.
> 
> ...


Nah, you cheated cause you wanted to, you could, and it was fun. Pretty simple really.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your husband sounds like an assh*le. It may not be Stockholm syndrome, but you're staying married to a loser for some reason. 

Figure out why you're still staying with him. Is your friend right? Are you afraid to leave him? Would you ever leave him? Do you have any boundaries for bad behavior you can't accept? Would you leave if he hit you? If so, why won't you leave after 23 years of verbal hits, verbal abuse?

You are 100% responsible for choosing to cheat. You are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage before the cheating - he is also responsible for 50%. It sound like he was an assh*le long before you cheated. Why did you stay?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LTLM,

You came here with legitimate questions seeking input. 


learning to love myself said:


> I decided to take it here as Im trying to learn the whys and the why not’s of the things I have done and the decisions I make.


This is a good thing to do…. Evaluating what you have done and why you did them is wise. It will help you not repeat in the future.



learning to love myself said:


> I don’t talk to anyone anymore with the exception of this friend and she recently told me I have got to stop beating myself up over cheating, That Im a good person who made a poor choice.


She is right. At some point you will have to stop beating yourself up for cheating. It sounds like you have been doing what your husband has asked of you to reconcile, you have been repentant and you have been doing the self-reflection that is necessary. Most cheaters cheat one time. Most lean from their bad choice to cheat. And most are good people who made a terrible choice. If there is no forgiveness and redemption in this lifetime, then we all might as well end it. Without redemption, live is nothing more than torture and self-hate.



learning to love myself said:


> She then said, “ that she thinks I cheated so my husband would leave me, as he would never tolerate a cheater”. I was taken aback by this as I feel I was in a sexless marriage and no amount of pleading was working and I was lonely.


There is nothing unusual about this. A lot of affair are what we call ‘exit affairs’. People use them to get out of a marriage. Apparently it did not work for you. Probably because you have a strong sense of guilt so then you went into guilt mode to the point of staying with an abusive man. 



learning to love myself said:


> She brought up that for 23 years I have allowed my husband to do and say whatever he wants and verbally abuse me and that I always defended him and stayed even though he clearly was not treating me well. She is convinced I have and had Stockholm syndrome and for a short time in my life I was trying to get my husband to leave me as I could never leave him.


Your friend is right on with the ‘Stockholm syndrome

“Stockholm Syndrome is usually marked by a few key behaviors: positive feelings toward the abuser, support of the abuser’s behavior or reasoning, negative feelings toward family or the authorities, and reluctance to seek freedom.”

Can Stockholm Syndrome Explain Domestic Violence? | Divine Caroline
Love and Stockholm Syndrome

“We hear the question, "Why do you stay?" ask of battered women over and over. Most of society tired long ago of the answer, "Because I love him." When a battered woman says "because I love him" she is describing the Stockholm Syndrome in the best way that she can.”

Sanctuary for the Abused: Traumatic Bonding & Stockholm Syndrome

Do a google search on “domestic abuse Stockholm syndrome”. You will find a lot of information on this topic.

Years of a sexless marriage is a form of serious emotional abuse. You said it was 7 years of this? That is 7 years of him telling you every single day through rejection that you were not lovable and not desirable. Not all abuse is spoken work and a fist. 

From what you have said, this was not the worst of the abuse he dished out. But you stayed and still stay. Your friend hit on why you stay and are still there.




learning to love myself said:


> I do think Im co-dependent and my husband even pointed that out to me, but Stockholm?
> 
> Is this possible?


Yep
You are probably behave in ways that are both.

Co-dependency I when we start jump through hoops to try to get the other person to stop abusive and/or addictive behaviors. We end up spending all our energies on them and walking on eggshells.

The Stockholm syndrome is when we cannot leave an abusive situation and go as far as to love the abuser and be supportive of their point of view, their abuse, etc.

Someone said that your friend is not a friend of your marriage. In a good marriage, neither spouse should have a friend who is not a friend of the marriage. But in an abusive relationship let’s hope you have at least one person who is not a friend of a marriage in which you are being abused. A person who has the guts to say it like it is and to be there for you to get you out of a bad situation is the best kind of friend to have.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LTLM,

You say that your husband refuses to work at a job.

What does he do around the house, the yard, etc?

I'm just trying to get some idea of what's going on beyond what you have said.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

RWB said:


> Lose the "friend",


I'm not beating the friend up because we have no context. I can think of numerous reasons why a friend would make this suggestion. One is partially spelled out in the op, she may have been gaslighted.

Oops name calling, red flag, I'm out.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I know that it is tough to get out a life worth of information in a few paragraphs. However, from what you have described, I appears that you don't have a marriage of equals, but a parent-child relationship. This is not very healthy for either of you. I suggest that you go to counseling for you to gain perspective. You will then have a better informed decision on how to deal with your relationship.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

No wonder your BH never liked her.

He probably sensed in his gut she was a negative influence on you and the M.

Because all she is doing here is PURE blameshifting, and you have been in R long enough to know that the choice to cheat was entirely on YOU.

I'm sure your BH was no saint and has his faults...we all do.

But that in no way excuses your choice to betray him in just about the worst way possible.

If your friend is going to influence you back into a wayward way of thinking about your M and BH, then you need to distance yourself from her ASAP if you have any care about your M.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Move all your crap to your friends place, and stay there for an an unspecified amount of time...then you can see if your "captor" or your "friend" is the right choice.

Thats my $0.02


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm not understanding the hate on the OP's friend. I'm not really seeing where the friend condoned the OP's cheating. All she essentially said was that the OP had an exit affair. Also, that the OP was a good person that made a bad choice. I don't see anything wrong with that. To me, she's not condoning the affair but explaining why she thinks it happens.

I've actually had a friend similar to the OP. She was with a guy that treated her terribly. She would cry on my shoulder and then go back to him. It was frustrating but I would wonder what kind of pyschological hold this guy had over my friend that kept her from leaving him.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Thank you NoraJane and Ele for your thoughtful responses. I will let that statement stand on its own and the rest of you can read between the lines. 

Op I am not sure if you have Stockholm Syndrome but your husband does have Ahole Syndrome and I doubt there is a cure. From what you have written it appears you have done a great deal beyond the perfunctory "I am so sorry". I know one can likely never do "enough" but you friend have been jumping through hoops with little to show for it in my mind. Oh I forgot your noble, faithful and loving husband has allowed you to stay in his loving domain. Whatever.

I like the idea of you getting some individual counseling. One who will help you find a bit more balance in your relationship and one who can help you find your self esteem again.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is he angry around your kids?

I hope not, but it does sound like he needs some anger counseling for your H.

When I found out things about my wife, I became very angry.

Not surprising I guess, but I did surprise myself with how angry I was. It was not good. Of course all the years before, I was the stupid nice guy. 

But I can't stay that way. If he can't control his anger, he will get in trouble. Not a good thing to do. 

So I do hope you find a way for him to get some help with the anger. Exercise and punching at the gym really did help. 

Because when you are that angry and small things set you off, the problems can result in jail time. (no I never went to jail and I am still working on it.)


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi LTLM,

I haven't read through all the pages except the first and it was a doozy. Don't leave. You have legitmate questions that deserve respect. This forum isn't only for us BS, its for anyone in need of help. 

Come on guys, lay off some of the bitterness. She isn't your WS. Again LTLM, don't leave. PM me if you still want to chat and not expose yourself to this lion's den.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey LTLM. I have read your other threads and am familiar with your story. No matter what, your infidelity was all bad and on you. That being said, your friend has legitimate concerns for your well being . 

I don't know if Stockholm syndrome applies but your H is a very unhealthy man that won't get help. He has , imho, abused you emotionally and mentally as well as starving you for sex and affection witch, I believe, is nearly as bad as infidelity itself.

I know from your posts that you really seem to love him but, in all honesty, he is really unhealthy for you.

I have been hard on you before for your cheating but no one should live in an unhealthy relationship. You owe it to yourself and everyone else in your life to become a healthier, better person. If your H will not be helpful to or a part of you becoming a healthier woman, then I would suggest you at least consider separation so you can focus on healing yourself.

If I'm off base, I'm totally sorry. I just hate to see someone torn down by their spouse and their own actions without ever getting the chance to become whole.

You seem to be broken still. Part of reconciliation should be restoring both the WS and the BS to health as individuals.

Have you been becoming healthier in the last 3 years?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

LTLM,

Please start with forgiving yourself. First and foremost. Forgive yourself. I feel you are passed infidelities and are more focused on improving yourself and your M which is great. 

Your husband did not kick you out. He loves you. He's not perfect, nor am I or you. As for his porn addiction, it seems to have passed. All a guy has to do is not do porn and he will turn back to his wife. Seems it's just a bad, ugly habit.

His other behaviors... That's the challenge. He probably has no empathy for others. The short temper and all. These might be symptoms of treatable issues. Could be as simple as unbalanced hormones. Too much Estradiol, not enough testosterone. Or it could be other things. I am no doctor, but full blood work may show something. MC or IC is a way to go. You say he won't. I know a husband who refuses IC/MC and is quick to anger. Their family suspects Aspergers, but since he refuses to go in they are not sure. Seems that's a symptom too.

Keep working on you, your M and hubby. He needs to work on it too -- you can't push rope.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Philat said:


> It's not true that you will not get support here, as a truly remorseful former wayward. That wasn't what you asked, though. My humble opinion is that this friend of yours is out of her (I assume) depth in analyzing your situation. Don't buy it.
> 
> If your friends were helping facilitate your affair then it was the right thing to do to drop them. But you should not now be without friends, nor should you be in a sexless marriage 3 years after the fact. Those are the things to work on now.


Thank You, My friends had no idea that I was heading down a slippery slope, I can only describe my behavior as breaking free from what felt like a prison at the time. (I'm in no way justifying just some insight of where my head was)

My husband didn't want my friends around as he felt they would help to justify my behavior. I'm no longer in a sexless marriage, in fact its the complete opposite now, which is also odd I feel like awoke a sleeping beast.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> You friend does not sound positive or helpful. Could you cultivate some outside interests and make friends thorough shared activities?


I do agree with you, all of the friends I had or still have are from my youth and I'm not the same girl I once was. 

My husband is just starting to let me do a few things on my own and I do need to find some like minded friends.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

It doesn't sound like your husband has a history of treating you very well (affair aside). 

Why did you stay?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It can take time for your H to heal from your A.

How long since he found out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

harrybrown said:


> It can take time for your H to heal from your A.
> 
> How long since he found out?


More than 3 years. It's in the first paragraph of her first post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't bother explaining anything here, once cheating is introduced you can't discuss anything else. Unfortunate but that's TAM, particularly if you're a woman. If you were a man describing a wife as you've described your hb you wouldn't get off the hook but you'd get lots of sympathy and told to drop the dead weight. Male cheaters are routinely treated differently here, especially if they were in sexless marriages.

Men who treat their wives like crap are excused if she cheats, and if you try to explain the dynamics of the marriage you'll be accused of making excuses for cheating. 

Why don't you get IC to find out why you put up with an abusive, lazy jerk that won't work. That would be money better spent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> LTLM,
> 
> You say that your husband refuses to work at a job.
> 
> ...


My husband was laid off back in the beginning of 2007, He went through some heavy depression, I would spend a few hours a day sending out his resume for the first couple of years as he just would not do it.

I stopped as it became a waste of my time and he clearly didn't appreciate it. 

It became a dam if I do dam if I don't type of thing. The first 4 years I worked, cooked and cleaned and he played video games all night. After D-day, he gave up the video games started to cook and do some cleaning and a good portion of the yard work.

He has made huge strives to be a better person to me, He has started to acknowledge and apologize for when he is screaming at me. I'm not making excuses for his bad behavior, because he him self calls himself an A-hole and seems somewhat ok with being that way.

I know the other side of him with a warm giving heart and I sometimes wonder if he has something else going on medically speaking. 

He runs hot to cold very fast and something as simple as the news talking about the money that some guy is giving away made him vent for an hour last night. I do know when he smokes (420) he is much nicer than when he quits, when he has been clean for a couple of weeks he tends to rage.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks for posting and for your openness. One of the things that must happen when there has been betrayal in a marriage is to take a truthful look into the dynamics of that relationship and why an affair took place. I don't quite understand the statement that your husband "is just starting to let me do a few things on my own." Are the two of you going through this process with professional help or is he deciding how and what is done? An unhealthy relationship can benefit greatly by the intervention of a trained third party that sees things from both perspectives not just yours and not just his.

The whole beating yourself up thing - well, you should realize by now that that is not helping at all. The fact that you and your husband are in a much better place is a direct result of your acknowledgment that your affair was your own choice and that you are sorry for doing it. If your husband has forgiven you don't you think that it's time to forgive yourself? If you continue with the self-deprication the healing of your marriage will be severely hindered.

I want to stress again that professional help is a good idea. There is a great book called _Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs_ by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs that could be a big help. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do a google search on “domestic abuse Stockholm syndrome”. You will find a lot of information on this topic.


I believe this is called 'Battered Spouse Syndrome' these days. Ele's correct, there is a lot of information about this on the Internet.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Is he angry around your kids?
> 
> I hope not, but it does sound like he needs some anger counseling for your H.
> 
> ...



Yes he is angry around the now adult children, His father was the same way I was just to young and naïve to realize that was the way he was raised and would more than likely be the same way. 

His anger/ acting out has landed him in jail (not by me) a few times. He now acknowledges his bouts with anger, I'm just not sure how to help him. He has done plenty of counseling and some court mandated and now his outlook on counselors is a big waste of time and money.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Hey LTLM. I have read your other threads and am familiar with your story. No matter what, your infidelity was all bad and on you. That being said, your friend has legitimate concerns for your well being .
> 
> I don't know if Stockholm syndrome applies but your H is a very unhealthy man that won't get help. He has , imho, abused you emotionally and mentally as well as starving you for sex and affection witch, I believe, is nearly as bad as infidelity itself.
> 
> ...


Conan your words were very nice and appreciated.

The battle within myself is a bitter one, We have both been getting better over the last 3 years, I struggle with not throwing past issues at him as a defense mechanism, I have always struggled with self loathing and esteem and my husband believe it or not is trying very hard to build me up.

He just doesn't realize he also tears it down just as quickly, He has been helping me to face the demons of being molested for years by a very close uncle, that is still very much around, Helping me to understand that it wasn't my fault.

However he is not a counselor, he tells me to walk up and face him at a family function and out him in front of 100 people and when I say I just cant, he becomes angry with me. 

I know I'm making advances at getting better, I do fear in getting better I will have to leave him and that scares me, he has no family and I am his only support.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

WolverineFan said:


> Thanks for posting and for your openness. One of the things that must happen when there has been betrayal in a marriage is to take a truthful look into the dynamics of that relationship and why an affair took place. I don't quite understand the statement that your husband "is just starting to let me do a few things on my own." Are the two of you going through this process with professional help or is he deciding how and what is done? An unhealthy relationship can benefit greatly by the intervention of a trained third party that sees things from both perspectives not just yours and not just his.
> 
> The whole beating yourself up thing - well, you should realize by now that that is not helping at all. The fact that you and your husband are in a much better place is a direct result of your acknowledgment that your affair was your own choice and that you are sorry for doing it. If your husband has forgiven you don't you think that it's time to forgive yourself? If you continue with the self-deprication the healing of your marriage will be severely hindered.
> 
> I want to stress again that professional help is a good idea. There is a great book called _Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs_ by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs that could be a big help. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you.


I was raised with the motto of, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger" and although I love the words, it has been an double edged sword my whole life. 

I have always buried the pain and excepted it, the problem that I'm learning is all these years later is that I'm a flippen mess. 

My husband forgave me (his words) but said that it is good to be reminded of the pain I have caused. The first 2 years was very hard as I never felt their was forgiveness, he was very cruel in his treatment. 

He feels I'm remorseful and has stopped being cruel in the way he talks to me. He asked that we move past everything and that my crying is not helpful to moving forward and I need to forgive myself. 

He hasn't been ok with me doing anything on my own i.e. grocery shopping over the past couple of years, however has said that I can start to go places by myself. I'm just not comfortable doing that yet.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Thank You everyone! (especially the woman haters  )

You have made me realize that I'm doing much better than some, healing is so important weather you did the hurting or you were hurt. 

Even when I was in my darkest hours of being hurt, I never went out of my way to be mean and spiteful. I don't hide in waiting to cut someone with my words and I don't say things intentionally to be cruel. I don't raise my hand in anger and I don't seek revenge.

I know you must be in your own special kind of hell if you lay in wait for someone to rip apart. My heart hurts for you, someone was horrid to you and you still have so much anger over it. 

I'm starting to feel this post was a mistake in more ways than one, I'm feeling more harm than good can come from it and my husband would not approve. 

Again thank you for your responses.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

learning to love myself said:


> I'm starting to feel this post was a mistake in more ways than one, I'm feeling more harm than good can come from it and my husband would not approve.


There was nothing wrong with posting here. What is wrong is that you feel this way. This is not healthy.


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

I think cheating is wrong! I am glad your are remorseful about it.

It sounds like you were unhappy with your situation and felt you needed to get I attention somewhere else, and as long as you realize it and have learned from your mistake, then you should forgive yourself and move forward.

Stockholm syndrome? Isn't it when you get attached to your aggressor? I was told the same by my daughter. My husband was very abusive though. I don't think that is your case though.

I don't think you are a bad person because you made a mistake, at least you were honest.


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