# Oral from LD wife- ask for it, or wait forever?



## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Hello All,

First time back on here for a while. As mentioned previously, my wife is LD, I am HD. If left entirely up to her, we would probably have sex around once a month. I feel the need a lot sooner than this- so in between times, she sometimes performs oral for me. With our busy schedules etc, she would hardly ever 'offer' this to me, but is normally happy to oblige if I ask for it- she is not always 100% enthusiastic, although it is pretty much always good and satisfying.


I have a question- for those of you with LD spouses/partners, do you feel ok 'asking' them to perform oral for you, knowing they they wouldn't have offered it? Or do you wait for them to do it- potentially waiting a long time?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Sorry I should have titled this "Spouse/Partner" because I meant for ladies to reply too- but I am not sure how to change the title..


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Go ahead and ask. She doesn't seem to resent it when you do, but if she does you need to talk about it and how to handle sex and oral so you are both okay with it. Otherwise, you'll grow more resentful of her and the marriage.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'm not really big on 'asking' for things sexually. Could you pretty please blow me tonight? Weak. If I am really in the mood for something, I make a statement. I want you to blow me tonight. 

Of course that said, I am not in the same basically sexless position you are in. With my STBW, she'd be doing it before the words were out of my mouth.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Go ahead and ask. She doesn't seem to resent it when you do, but if she does you need to talk about it and how to handle sex and oral so you are both okay with it. Otherwise, you'll grow more resentful of her and the marriage.


Yes, she seems happy enough (most times) to help me out. If she gives an eyeroll, not so good! lol


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife was LD for a long time (thankfully she has enjoyed sex more the past year and change) and getting a BJ was an occasional thing with some arm twisting. So I know where you're coming from. 

If you don't ask, it will never happen. So ask away.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

"Can you give me a bj?" <----gross.I would be so turned off I may lose respect for him.

*confident smile.nibbles on my neck* "mmm I've been thinking about feeling your mouth on me and feeling your body against me for days and days.It would be so sexy if I went down on you and then you went down on me.Meet me in the bedroom in 5 before I lose my mind and go down on you right here."

 
other than the days and days part,that's almost an exact quote from my DH to me and that is the best example I have of a man correctly asking for oral without actually asking for it.

Good luck!


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> "Can you give me a bj?" <----gross.I would be so turned off I may lose respect for him.
> 
> 
> Do not ask, just do. I read in another thread someone said how men asking for sex sounds weak and is a turn off to women. I completely agree! If you want me, just take me. Actions speak much louder than words! Unfortunately many men don't understand this very simple concept.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> "Can you give me a bj?" <----gross.I would be so turned off I may lose respect for him.
> 
> *confident smile.nibbles on my neck* "mmm I've been thinking about feeling your mouth on me and feeling your body against me for days and days.It would be so sexy if I went down on you and then you went down on me.Meet me in the bedroom in 5 before I lose my mind and go down on you right here."
> 
> ...



Thankyou for your wishes, but you two are clearly not LD so we can't all approach it the way you two do!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Thankyou for your wishes, but you two are clearly not LD so we can't all approach it the way you two do!


Drive has nothing to do with it. I wasn't always into sex and if my exhusband (husband at the time) had approached me in that way there would have been no room for denying him.

You'll fail with this bj thing with your current mindset bc you're too afraid to rock the boat and step it up.

Asking for a bj with your little man hat in your hand is so pathetic and it probably contributes to your wife not giving it to you as often as you'd like.It has nothing to do with her drive.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> ScarletBegonias said:
> 
> 
> > "Can you give me a bj?" <----gross.I would be so turned off I may lose respect for him.
> ...


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Drive has nothing to do with it. I wasn't always into sex and if my exhusband (husband at the time) had approached me in that way there would have been no room for denying him.
> 
> You'll fail with this bj thing with your current mindset bc you're too afraid to rock the boat and step it up.
> 
> Asking for a bj with your little man hat in your hand is so pathetic and it probably contributes to your wife not giving it to you as often as you'd like.It has nothing to do with her drive.


Please see my above other post. I am not talking about approaching it like a mouse. I am simply asking others if they would ask/mention it or not say anything and potentially go without.

And I do not appreciate being called "pathetic", especially as you are actually wrong about how I "ask".


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I think the fact that you are asking this question speaks volumes about your mindset regarding this. I have a feeling that this is contributing to your wife being LD.

If you decide to go for it, how do you envision yourself asking for it?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I think the fact that you are asking this question speaks volumes about your mindset regarding this. I have a feeling that this is contributing to your wife being LD.
> 
> If you decide to go for it, how do you envision yourself asking for it?



I already DO this, as I mentioned at the beginning.

Today, I basically sent her an email saying "I would like you to give me a treat tonight".

To which she enthusiastically, positively replied (which was nice  )


I am not asking anything for me, as I am happy with the oral situation as it is! 

I was wondering how many others might be able to be a little more satisfied, if they tried the same thing, as i imagine alot go without for fear of upsetting their wife.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Please see my above other post. I am not talking about approaching it like a mouse. I am simply asking others if they would ask/mention it or not say anything and potentially go without.
> 
> And I do not appreciate being called "pathetic", especially as you are actually wrong about how I "ask".


awww don't get all butthurt. I never said you were pathetic,project much? I called the " ask for bj " approach pathetic.


If you have to ask a board of strangers whether or not you should address your lack of receiving head with your wife then you've got some introspective thinking and work to do on yourself.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I think the fact that you are asking this question speaks volumes about your mindset regarding this. I have a feeling that this is contributing to your wife being LD.


 don't ever try to make some men of this board hold their actions as the reason their wife is LD!! darn you! It's never them! It's ALWAYS her.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> awww don't get all butthurt. I never said you were pathetic,project much? I called the " ask for bj " approach pathetic.
> 
> 
> If you have to ask a board of strangers whether or not you should address your lack of receiving head with your wife then you've got some introspective thinking and work to do on yourself.


I don't have a lack of receiving head, you have totally misunderstood what I have said and the whole reason for the thread.

:scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Hello All,
> 
> First time back on here for a while. As mentioned previously, my wife is LD, I am HD. If left entirely up to her, we would probably have sex around once a month. I feel the need a lot sooner than this- so in between times, she sometimes performs oral for me. With our busy schedules etc, she would hardly ever 'offer' this to me, but is normally happy to oblige if I ask for it- she is not always 100% enthusiastic, although it is pretty much always good and satisfying.
> 
> ...


This makes it sound like you rarely get head. "or do you wait for them to do it- potentially waiting a long time"
Basically if you don't ask for it,you're saying you don't get it. "she would hardly ever offer"


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> This makes it sound like you rarely get head. "or do you wait for them to do it- potentially waiting a long time"
> Basically if you don't ask for it,you're saying you don't get it. "she would hardly ever offer"


Yes but I do "ask/state desire" quite often lol- as often as I want/desire it anyway. She is very submissive when it comes to sex of any kind- likes me to take charge, so it is rare that she "offers" oral without me mentioning it first.

I was asking others, who perhaps have mismatched drives- if they also ask, or if they suffer in silence. Hope that clears it up


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If my SO was LD and didn't have the desire to have sex with me, it would be utterly meaningless for me to ask him to do something that I already knew he didn't have the desire to do...

I know exactly what it feels like to be normal / HD and be in a relationship with someone with little or no drive, but having to ask or always initiate sex just isn't my style.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> *Yes but I do "ask/state desire" quite often lol- as often as I want/desire it anyway. She is very submissive when it comes to sex of any kind- likes me to take charge, so it is rare that she "offers" oral without me mentioning it first.*
> 
> I was asking others, who perhaps have mismatched drives- if they also ask, or if they suffer in silence. Hope that clears it up


That doesn't sound LD so much as responsive desire. Big difference.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That doesn't sound LD so much as responsive desire. Big difference.


Yes that may be true. Sometimes this seems to be the case- about 50% of the time I guess.

Although with "full-on" sex, she does like to be the one to "give the nod" i.e. make me aware that "tonights the night", but it is usually up to me to actually START things, if that makes sense.

Confusing lady is Mrs bizzy, lol.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> I'm not really big on 'asking' for things sexually. Could you pretty please blow me tonight? Weak. If I am really in the mood for something, I make a statement. I want you to blow me tonight.
> 
> Of course that said, I am not in the same basically sexless position you are in. With my STBW, she'd be doing it before the words were out of my mouth.


Sam, where did you find this woman and does she have a sister?:awink:


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## ShiningStar (Feb 8, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Thankyou for your wishes, but you two are clearly not LD so we can't all approach it the way you two do!


Hi, Not sure about the whole concept of LD, but so far I will said I complete the requirements . Trying to find ways to improve and so far is working pretty well. Anyway, one of the problems 'we' LD have is that we do not find desire triggers as easily as others do. Therefore working on finding and exploiting those triggers is important. Thus, words, gestures, places, light, etc. are important because they are catalyst for the desire you experience and help out to ignite the flame on the other side. Asking for BJ without actually transmitting your desire in a sensual do not seems very appealing to me. Now, asking for a BJ because yes, you want me even though sometimes I am very crappy about it, is a more appealing scenario.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

ShiningStar said:


> Hi, Not sure about the whole concept of LD, but so far I will said I complete the requirements . Trying to find ways to improve and so far is working pretty well. Anyway, one of the problems 'we' LD have is that we do not find desire triggers as easily as others do. Therefore working on finding and exploiting those triggers is important. Thus, words, gestures, places, light, etc. are important because they are catalyst for the desire you experience and help out to ignite the flame on the other side. Asking for BJ without actually transmitting your desire in a sensual do not seems very appealing to me. Now, asking for a BJ because yes, you want me even though sometimes I am very crappy about it, is a more appealing scenario.


Hi Shining Star,

thanks for your reply. I hope things work out for you. I am a little unsure about what you meant by "so far I will said I complete the requirements" and also "sometimes i am crappy about it" though?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> I have a question- for those of you with LD spouses/partners, do you feel ok 'asking' them to perform oral for you, knowing they they wouldn't have offered it? Or do you wait for them to do it- potentially waiting a long time?


I am in your position and if I waited....I would not get much. So if I want a specific thing I just go for it. I usually have to build him up to it. 

For example, I was on a business trip recently and on the phone and via text I was telling him each day what I wanted him to do and how I couldn't wait for it. He seemed interested, but when I got home he made no mention of it and no effort to make it happen. I had to initiate and orchestrate the entire thing. And this was something that generally a man should take charge in and most men would have been all over it like white on rice. But at least I got what I wanted. sigh


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## ShiningStar (Feb 8, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Hi Shining Star,
> 
> thanks for your reply. I hope things work out for you. I am a little unsure about what you meant by "so far I will said I complete the requirements" and also "sometimes i am crappy about it" though?


I am an adult survivor of sexual abuse, so that is the reason for my LD. I start finding out those answer recently as a result of my therapy. Now, 'I said I complete the requirements.' because even thought the symptoms may be similar, the causes can be totally different. From what I have read, LD can occur for a variety of reasons such as religious, hormonal, illness or simply personality, etc. In all those cases the ways to overcome (if the LD is willing to, which I am) varies too, and you and your partner have to find those ways. When 'I said I am crappy about it,' it means that I am still fighting with the consequences of the abuse. Basically, at some point in my early childhood/teens I started to believed that I was bad and I was the one who made 'men' desire me; therefore I was the problem. Sometimes is difficult to separate his desire from those of my past. Sorry for the lengthy answer, just want to be clear. To sum up, I applaud your interest in finding answers, but I believe that those answer must be looked for as a couple.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> I am in your position and if I waited....I would not get much. So if I want a specific thing I just go for it. I usually have to build him up to it.
> 
> For example, I was on a business trip recently and on the phone and via text I was telling him each day what I wanted him to do and how I couldn't wait for it. He seemed interested, but when I got home he made no mention of it and no effort to make it happen. I had to initiate and orchestrate the entire thing. And this was something that generally a man should take charge in and most men would have been all over it like white on rice. But at least I got what I wanted. sigh


This reminded me of a time with my STBW where early in the day we were sexting pretty hard, but the day totally went down hill with other things.

By the time bed time rolled around, she had spent most of the evening complaining about a head ache, being tired, generally irritable, some of it directed at me. Well, anyway, we ended up grumpy with each other, and went to sleep. The next morning, she was pissed at me for not initiating, not doing the things I had talked about doing earlier the previous day...

That day drove home with perfect clarity that I had something very special in her...She doesn't play games...Oh hell no stars needing aligned for her to want me.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> I am in your position and if I waited....I would not get much. So if I want a specific thing I just go for it. I usually have to build him up to it.
> 
> For example, I was on a business trip recently and on the phone and via text I was telling him each day what I wanted him to do and how I couldn't wait for it. He seemed interested, but when I got home he made no mention of it and no effort to make it happen. I had to initiate and orchestrate the entire thing. And this was something that generally a man should take charge in and most men would have been all over it like white on rice. But at least I got what I wanted. sigh



I have read some of your other posts today, it sounds like you are suffering a bit, and unsatisfied!  I can understand where you are coming from though on the lack of effort from your partner. It can be very frustrating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> where_are_we said:
> 
> 
> > I can be very "just do" when I know she is in the mood, but I am talking about receiving oral from a low drive spouse when I know she is not in the mood to get jumped, which is entirely different.
> ...


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

ShiningStar said:


> I am an adult survivor of sexual abuse, so that is the reason for my LD. I start finding out those answer recently as a result of my therapy. Now, 'I said I complete the requirements.' because even thought the symptoms may be similar, the causes can be totally different. From what I have read, LD can occur for a variety of reasons such as religious, hormonal, illness or simply personality, etc. In all those cases the ways to overcome (if the LD is willing to, which I am) varies too, and you and your partner have to find those ways. When 'I said I am crappy about it,' it means that I am still fighting with the consequences of the abuse. Basically, at some point in my early childhood/teens I started to believed that I was bad and I was the one who made 'men' desire me; therefore I was the problem. Sometimes is difficult to separate his desire from those of my past. Sorry for the lengthy answer, just want to be clear. To sum up, I applaud your interest in finding answers, but I believe that those answer must be looked for as a couple.


wow, thanks for sharing that. It sounds like you have been through alot. But you seem like you want change, & I admire you for that. Do what you need to for your own happiness 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> bizzy79 said:
> 
> 
> > Bizzy: what I (perhaps we) are trying to say is do not ask. It's not a matter of HOW you ask. It is the mere fact that you are asking.
> ...


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> That day drove home with perfect clarity that I had something very special in her...She doesn't play games...Oh hell no stars needing aligned for her to want me.


OH my, that could have been me in your story. I had to tell my husband just because I say I'm tired or have a headache or whatever is ailing me does not mean I don't want it.

So now his new line when I say I am tired etc. is, "I've got a cure for that." But he never follows through on it. So I still have to go get it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> OH my, that could have been me in your story. I had to tell my husband just because I say I'm tired or have a headache or whatever is ailing me does not mean I don't want it.
> 
> So now his new line when I say I am tired etc. is, "I've got a cure for that." But he never follows through on it. So I still have to go get it.


I spent almost 20 years in a marriage to a woman who would set up the rejection through out the day, so I began to think that is how women were, and what they did.

I have had to unlearn that with my STBW. Short of being dead, she's always ready to go with me, and I always follow through


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I stopped asking and went 3 1/2 years without any action at all!

Actually I don't ask, and never have. Not in so many words. But I make it abundantly clear with flirting and body language when I want some action and because my husband has to take Viagra to maintain an erection it is then basically up to him whether he wants to do that or is OK just to fool around for a bit and get me off.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Bizzy,
I get what your question is. After years of being turned down for sex and trying to simplify the request to a hj or bj and still getting refused, I stopped initiating for anything other than full sex. Even when we do have sex she will not voluntarily give a bj or hj. If she would oblige without the eyerolls or bad attitude I would keep asking.

I do think it is difficult for HD or Normal Drive poster to understand what it is like to deal with a LD spouse. For those of you who say just act, that asking looks weak, most of us in the HD, LD relationships have slowly over years regressed from just acting.

A few months ago we were getting ready for work. My wife was out of the shower doing her hair while I was drying off from my shower. She was wearing only a light bathrobe that was tied loosly revealing most of her breasts. I was looking at her in the mirror admiring her beauty when i decided that i had to have her. I gently took her hairbrush from her hand, picked her up and started heading for the bed. She asked me "what are you doing"? I replied you will find out shortly as i laid her on the bed. She immediatley started pushing me away with her hands and feet. I gently resisted and told her she would be leaving for work with a smile on her face. She struggled harder telling me we don't have time for that leave me alone. I had to stop to avoid hurting her as she had resisted even harder.

45 minutes later she volunteered to drop two of our kids at school instead of them taking the bus. The school is in the opposite direction and cost her more time than just me letting continue. 

Was that enough taking action and not looking weak? This has become all to common in our 25 year marriage. This type of action was very common at one time and she never resisted until our marriage was moved down the priority list.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I stopped asking and went 3 1/2 years without any action at all!
> 
> Actually I don't ask, and never have. Not in so many words. But I make it abundantly clear with flirting and body language when I want some action and because my husband has to take Viagra to maintain an erection it is then basically up to him whether he wants to do that or is OK just to fool around for a bit and get me off.


Ah I can imagine it must be difficult with him needing Viagra. Must mean you can't be particularly spontaneous! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I spent almost 20 years in a marriage to a woman who would set up the rejection through out the day, so I began to think that is how women were, and what they did.
> 
> I have had to unlearn that with my STBW. Short of being dead, she's always ready to go with me, and I always follow through



Seems like you have got it made!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> Bizzy,
> 
> 
> A few months ago we were getting ready for work. My wife was out of the shower doing her hair while I was drying off from my shower. She was wearing only a light bathrobe that was tied loosly revealing most of her breasts. I was looking at her in the mirror admiring her beauty when i decided that i had to have her. I gently took her hairbrush from her hand, picked her up and started heading for the bed. She asked me "what are you doing"? I replied you will find out shortly as i laid her on the bed. She immediatley started pushing me away with her hands and feet. I gently resisted and told her she would be leaving for work with a smile on her face. She struggled harder telling me we don't have time for that leave me alone. I had to stop to avoid hurting her as she had resisted even harder.


That would have been a dream come true if my husband did that to me. Sigh...

I guess everyone and every relationship is different. I am sorry you guys are going through this. Know you are NOT alone.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Always Learning said:


> Bizzy,
> I get what your question is. After years of being turned down for sex and trying to simplify the request to a hj or bj and still getting refused, I stopped initiating for anything other than full sex. Even when we do have sex she will not voluntarily give a bj or hj. If she would oblige without the eyerolls or bad attitude I would keep asking.
> 
> I do think it is difficult for HD or Normal Drive poster to understand what it is like to deal with a LD spouse. For those of you who say just act, that asking looks weak, most of us in the HD, LD relationships have slowly over years regressed from just acting.
> ...


Thanks for your reply. I can sympathise with your example- this exact thing has never happened to me, but I can imagine it happening to me. It seems that your situation is a little worse than mine sexually, as my wife still obliges if I want a BJ or HJ. With both of those things, it is up to me. But full sex? I let her decide, mostly.

Does your wife normally initiate, or you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> That would have been a dream come true if my husband did that to me. Sigh...
> 
> I guess everyone and every relationship is different. I am sorry you guys are going through this. Know you are NOT alone.



Easy to say I guess, but sometimes it seems we would be more sexually compatible with people on this forum than our own partners!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> Thanks for your reply. I can sympathise with your example- this exact thing has never happened to me, but I can imagine it happening to me. It seems that your situation is a little worse than mine sexually, as my wife still obliges if I want a BJ or HJ. With both of those things, it is up to me. But full sex? I let her decide, mostly.
> 
> Does your wife normally initiate, or you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is usually me initiating. I have stopped asking as I am tired of the endless excuses. She will sometimes initiate like this, "would you like to have some quick fun" and the emphasis is on the quick. Usually this means she does not even touch me during the act and I regret doing it. I will perform oral on her to make sure she has an orgasm but she mostly does not lay a hand on me unless i specificaly direct her to.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Always Learning said:


> It is usually me initiating. I have stopped asking as I am tired of the endless excuses. She will sometimes initiate like this, "would you like to have some quick fun" and the emphasis is on the quick. Usually this means she does not even touch me during the act and I regret doing it. I will perform oral on her to make sure she has an orgasm but she mostly does not lay a hand on me unless i specificaly direct her to.


That doesn't sound so nice...is it better if you initiate?

We were recently trying for a baby, and sex became a bit..mechanical like that. But now we have agreed to let her give the nod when she wants it. From past experience, when we are doing that, it is much more infrequent, but she enjoys it much more. Its just the waiting which I find difficult, so being able to get the odd bit of oral in between is very important for me.
As far as I am concerned, I look the best I ever have, and so does she, so it is odd that she seems to want it less! Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> Easy to say I guess, but sometimes it seems we would be more sexually compatible with people on this forum than our own partners!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I was saying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Hello All,
> 
> First time back on here for a while. As mentioned previously, my wife is LD, I am HD. If left entirely up to her, we would probably have sex around once a month. I feel the need a lot sooner than this- so in between times, she sometimes performs oral for me. With our busy schedules etc, she would hardly ever 'offer' this to me, but is normally happy to oblige if I ask for it- she is not always 100% enthusiastic, although it is pretty much always good and satisfying.
> 
> ...



Wow, did you marry my wife?

You guys sound like my wife and I.

If I don't initiate, sex is 1x month.

If I initiate, sex is usually turned down, maybe 1x week.

See, I've been told here, don't initiate too much because she will feel pressured. So I don't and the sex is 1x month.

Mine also says this will be quick, etc.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Easy to say I guess, but sometimes it seems we would be more sexually compatible with people on this forum than our own partners!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So true, so very true.:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Wow, did you marry my wife?
> 
> You guys sound like my wife and I.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a mixture of mine and the other chaps! Do you have any joy with oral?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Sounds like a mixture of mine and the other chaps! Do you have any joy with oral?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I definitely don't pressure too much, but talk about it too much for her liking. Not like "when we gonna do it" but just little jokes here and there. Doesn't tend to go down well though #sigh#
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Wow, did you marry my wife?
> 
> You guys sound like my wife and I.
> 
> ...


Mine also says that...usually before we have to go somewhere, just to get a quick one in knowing we'll have a longer session that night


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Mine also says that...usually before we have to go somewhere, just to get a quick one in knowing we'll have a longer session that night


Good for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> That doesn't sound so nice...is it better if you initiate?
> 
> We were recently trying for a baby, and sex became a bit..mechanical like that. But now we have agreed to let her give the nod when she wants it. From past experience, when we are doing that, it is much more infrequent, but she enjoys it much more. Its just the waiting which I find difficult, so being able to get the odd bit of oral in between is very important for me.
> As far as I am concerned, I look the best I ever have, and so does she, so it is odd that she seems to want it less! Lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't matter who initiates I get the same hurry up attitude. I like the term on poster here used as the "dead starfish position". 

Do you really want a child knowing that it will likely strain your marriage more?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Always Learning said:


> It doesn't matter who initiates I get the same hurry up attitude. I like the term on poster here used as the "dead starfish position".
> 
> Do you really want a child knowing that it will likely strain your marriage more?


hahaha dead starfish! Nice. Sucks for you though that you get rushed...As for children, we do already have one, 4 years old. Sex is definitely less since she was born, which is understandable. I am however happy that my wife gives me oral! But its the hush hush thingv(with regards to 2 way sex) that is annoying- mustn't mention it or it is seen as pressure..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> *confident smile.nibbles on my neck* "mmm I've been thinking about feeling your mouth on me and feeling your body against me for days and days.It would be so sexy if I went down on you and then you went down on me.Meet me in the bedroom in 5 before I lose my mind and go down on you right here."


Your husband sounds awesome, Scarlet. Lol.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> It doesn't matter who initiates I get the same hurry up attitude. I like the term on poster here used as the "dead starfish position".


This is hilarious! And I think my husband gets in this position as well!


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Well it happened for me last night (oral) . It was great, but shortly afterwards I made a joke about christening the new sofa sometime soon, and got rather a frosty reception! 

Soo strange with my wife- she was more than happy to give the oral, and was very forthcoming with it- but the moment I mentioned full sex (even just in passing), she tries to ignore the subject. I just need to not say anything, and wait for her- and when that day next comes, it should be good! (as long as I didn't bring it up too many times before then, obviously piling on the pressure lol). :scratchhead:


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

That definately is strange. She has no problem with performing oral but feels pressured for full sex. At least mine is consistent and doesn't like either, LOL.

Out of curiousity when she performs oral on you does she finish in her mouth? If so it would seem unusual for a true LD person.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> This is hilarious! And I think my husband gets in this position as well!


Another one I liked was someone refering to his wife as the "Ceiling Inspector". There are some very funny people on here discussing sad situations.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Always Learning said:


> That definately is strange. She has no problem with performing oral but feels pressured for full sex. At least mine is consistent and doesn't like either, LOL.
> 
> Out of curiousity when she performs oral on you does she finish in her mouth? If so it would seem unusual for a true LD person.


LOL it must suck for you though! 

With my wife, I would say she pulls off about 4 out of 5 times, and stays on about 1 out of 5 times.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> LOL it must suck for you though!
> 
> Bizzy,
> If this is the ONLY thing she is doing for you and she doesn't mind going to completion sometimes, why not all the time? As for the no intercourse, you need to find out what her issue is. The hard conversation needs to happen. No more walking on egg shells. Go to counseling if you need to.
> ...


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Where_we_are,

Thankyou for sharing that. It sounds horrible, but I understand the 'trigger' effect, as I have the same kind of thing with one or 2 things.


As for my wife, there is no history of sexual abuse. The reason she does not always keep her mouth on (when I finish) is that she likes the element of surprise- i.e. it is more of a 'treat' when she does it.

Oral is not all that she gives me- we do have PIV sex (recently, alot as we were trying to get pregnant). When not trying, PIV sex would normally be about once a month.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> Where_we_are,
> 
> Oral is not all that she gives me- we do have PIV sex (recently, alot as we were trying to get pregnant). When not trying, PIV sex would normally be about once a month.


Well I am glad to hear that. It appears I bared my soul to the wrong thread. Got the posters stories confused! Sorry about that!


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> Well I am glad to hear that. It appears I bared my soul to the wrong thread. Got the posters stories confused! Sorry about that!


Not to worry


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bizzy79 said:


> Well it happened for me last night (oral) .


See how many men are happy with BJs? It's like you can make the world a happy place with a BJ.

I feel for all you men who's partners/wives/girlfriends won't go down on them. I don't understand. I am not married anymore but I loved it with my exH. To read about all these dudes not getting it is insane in my opinion. My ex better have nice things to say about me. 

Also,my condolences for any women who's men who won't go down on them either. DOES NOT compute. WTF is that?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My STBW had surgery on her ear three weeks ago, and she likely won't be able to open her mouth wide enough for a bj for another six weeks or so because it is too painful for her. Yeah, I miss it a lot, but I think she misses it just as much. She tried the other night, and it just wasn't working for her, so she gave me a hj with some tongue action, and still swallowed 

ETA: She's still getting my tongue every chance I get


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> See how many men are happy with BJs? It's like you can make the world a happy place with a BJ.
> 
> I feel for all you men who's partners/wives/girlfriends won't go down on them. I don't understand. I am not married anymore but I loved it with my exH. To read about all these dudes not getting it is insane in my opinion. My ex better have nice things to say about me.
> 
> Also,my condolences for any women who's men who won't go down on them either. DOES NOT compute. WTF is that?


Bizzy,
I think it all comes down to if she doesn't mind giving them keep asking. Don't be surprised when she gets pregnant the PIV sex stops again. When my wanted to get pregnant there was plenty of PIV, not so much afterwards, especially for kids number 2 and 3.

Where_are_we,
I am so sorry to hear about your abuse. I am glad to see you worked through it and not let it ruin your life. It must take a lot of emotional strength, you must be one tough women.

Jellybeans,
I can't agree more. My wife and I went away overnight this past weekend. I arranged a short trip where we took a cruise from a local harbor up river for a few hours. I then took her shopping at some local outlet stores and then to a resort on the rocky coast of Maine. When she was getting ready for dinner she noticed I had packed a sex game that we had not played in a few years. I got a sigh of disgust from her.

At dinner she informed that we could have regular sex but she was not going to play that game. I responded with, I hope you didn't think I was actually going to ask after you made it so obvious you were digusted by the thought of playing. She said nothing.

Later in the room, when we were having sex for the first time in 2 months she finished rather quickly through some oral, PIV and use of my penis on her clit. I was still going strong and after PIV for a while I laid beside her and asked "could you use your hand for a while" she said "I already had mine". She thought I was asking her to touch herself, never occured to her I wanted a HJ, I was half laughing and half bewilderd. She obliged and gave me a HJ while staring at the ceiling, I then asked for a BJ and she didn't respond. I then stated, you won't do that for me and she finally gave me one, finishing it with her hand.

It would have been so much better if she just did these things without me having to tell her. It just shows me that she has no interest in giving me sexual pleasure.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> Bizzy,
> 
> Where_are_we,
> I am so sorry to hear about your abuse. I am glad to see you worked through it and not let it ruin your life. It must take a lot of emotional strength, you must be one tough women.
> ...


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

She would have been happy to not have had sex at all. I think she just tolerated it so not to ruin the day.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If she is LD, you have to ask. The reason may be that sex is not something she thinks about often. She does respond positively when you ask her, right? She is responsive.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

She is responsive just not in a positive way, lol. I have cut way back on my initiating because of her rejections. When we do have sex she does not really participate. It is just duty sex. Often she does not even touch me.

I do not think she thinks about sex at all. Including this weekend we have had sex nine times this year, three of them were during one week of vacation and were rushed.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

My wife is definitely similar to yours, Always-learning-- she does not think about it much, so the need to mention/ask for oral is definitely there.

We have firmly agreed that it is up to HER though when we have PIV sex. At the moment, she doesn't want it. We have had so much mechanical "baby-sex" which became very un-emotional, and caused a little friction before us. So we are taking a little time (at her request) to re-connect emotionally, before having full sex again. She does not know how long this will take, but until then, she is happy to give me plenty of oral if i want it.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Always Learning said:


> She would have been happy to not have had sex at all. I think she just tolerated it so not to ruin the day.


It hurts to read that, man. That sucks. I have been there though.

The only way that I can get PIV sex when I know she is fully into it, is to let her decide when/initiate.

Has anybody here seen the film "Blue Valentine?"


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I have not seen that film. 

I guess I would continue to accept the BJ's. As long as she was willing to work on the rest of your sexual relationship. If I felt they were only so I would leave her alone it would likely ruin the BJ too.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> Bizzy,
> I think it all comes down to if she doesn't mind giving them keep asking. Don't be surprised when she gets pregnant the PIV sex stops again. When my wanted to get pregnant there was plenty of PIV, not so much afterwards, especially for kids number 2 and 3.
> 
> Where_are_we,
> ...


dude...get AWAY from MY wife...
This sounds like textbook marrital sex...ugh!!!
The part about the HJ while looking at the ceiling struck home for me...ive caught my wife doing this, rarely during intercourse, never when I eat her lol...and its just this look of disinterest, of "id rather be anywhere but here" and I also think there is SHAME in that look, like she is doing something dirty

my wife has a history of sexual abuse, happened when she was a kid...and our sex life has been rocky, nonexistant lately...

marriage and sex go together like peanut butter and hamburgers...im sure some will chime in and disagree, but for most its just UGH!!!


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

From (email) conversations we have had today, I think I may be in for a long wait for PIV at the moment. But I am willing to do what it takes.

I shall therefore continue to enjoy oral, while she is still willing


My (natural) worry at the moment is that she will never get back to wanting PIV sex. We have just come out of about a year of trying for a baby (with no luck), where feelings have not dictated when we do it- but her monthly cycle. She hates that. 

There have been a few times where it has been good, and one or 2 times where it has been "just for fun", but mostly mechanical. I just really hope that she gets that feeling back, as I don't think I can live without it long term


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

bizzy79 said:


> From (email) conversations we have had today, I think I may be in for a long wait for PIV at the moment. But I am willing to do what it takes.
> 
> I shall therefore continue to enjoy oral, while she is still willing
> 
> ...


Im not sure I understand why baby sex became mechanical. How would arguments about it make her not want PIV? 

Are you both affectionate after she gives you oral and at non-oral times?. Do you tell her you would love to give her oral? 

Does she give you oral lovingly or resentfully?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Having gone through years of infertility myself - the desire for a baby can be very primal and the desperation of month after month of negatives take their toll. While sex starts out as oh, we're just having fun and our baby will be conceived in passionate love - and within a few months it can become a matter of you've got a 6 hour window to ejaculate inside me - I mean right after work before we have dinner and then in two weeks you can watch me cry for 2 days for not getting me pregnant.

The act can become closely tied to a cycle of hope and despair. If you decide to give it a break its almost impossible to stop hoping still that this time will be it and you know this will lead to dispair later.

I know several couples who went back to condoms, etc to prevent them from hoping for pregnancy because the despair is too hurtful each month. Of course I would recommend birth control over abstinence myself - but I can see how it could happen that way.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Sounds like a mixture of mine and the other chaps! Do you have any joy with oral?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I would love to give my wife oral and use the small vib I bought her "at the same time", once every day, 7 days week. But since she is low sex drive, its not happening. After she's had a bath and clean down there, I love getting right in there and doing my thing until she has an orgasm. Just love it.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Im not sure I understand why baby sex became mechanical. How would arguments about it make her not want PIV?
> 
> Are you both affectionate after she gives you oral and at non-oral times?. Do you tell her you would love to give her oral?
> 
> Does she give you oral lovingly or resentfully?



It became mechanical because we were 'trying' on specific days- we wanted to be as accurate as possible because of my probable infertility (I had lots of chemo a few years ago so chances of conceiving are very low). By doing it that often (too often for her) it meant we were having sex on lots of days where she was just not in the mood at all- and then again 2 days later, etc.

We would occasionally spice things up a little, but sometimes it wasnt worth it.

We have now agreed (on my suggestion) to let her decide when we have PIV. From things she has said, it may be a while, but I am willing to wait a while, as it was getting to a point where even I was dreading it (being dull, lifeless etc). By putting it in her hands, it will be infrequent, but at least she will be "into" it. But as I have said, she is happy to give me oral in between.

As for me giving her oral- I have offered, but she normally prefers it as part of a full sex session. It is the way she normally climaxes, I would say probably 6-7/10 times that way.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Having gone through years of infertility myself - the desire for a baby can be very primal and the desperation of month after month of negatives take their toll. While sex starts out as oh, we're just having fun and our baby will be conceived in passionate love - and within a few months it can become a matter of you've got a 6 hour window to ejaculate inside me - I mean right after work before we have dinner and then in two weeks you can watch me cry for 2 days for not getting me pregnant.
> 
> The act can become closely tied to a cycle of hope and despair. If you decide to give it a break its almost impossible to stop hoping still that this time will be it and you know this will lead to dispair later.
> 
> I know several couples who went back to condoms, etc to prevent them from hoping for pregnancy because the despair is too hurtful each month. Of course I would recommend birth control over abstinence myself - but I can see how it could happen that way.



Thankyou for this, it does make a lot of sense. It's probably another reason that she hasn't been in the mood for full sex much lately (even when we have been doing it). She relates sex to a (soon coming) feeling of pain and upset.

I could have NOT said anything (i.e. just kept trying for a few months longer, like we initially planned), but each month it was getting less and less enjoyable.

She says she still wants to try, just perhaps a bit more realxed. So we are leaving it up to her for a couple of months to see how it goes. If we find that she just never 'comes forward', we may well meet somewhere in the middle..e.g. just say we will try once/twice during ovulation week, but not set specific days.

But time will tell....


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I would love to give my wife oral and use the small vib I bought her "at the same time", once every day, 7 days week. But since she is low sex drive, its not happening. After she's had a bath and clean down there, I love getting right in there and doing my thing until she has an orgasm. Just love it.


Me too! I enjoying giving almost as much as I enjoy getting. The feeling of her wanting me to do that to her is amazing. But sadly it doesn't happen too often.


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## YourKnotAnUdderFailure (Oct 25, 2013)

Women either like giving blowjobs, or they don't. If they don't, they usually won't. If that's the case, there's no point in asking, since it'll be a "no".

If a woman likes giving blowjobs, you wouldn't need to ask.

Some women don't like it when you ask. Either get them horny and tell them to suck your ****, or when they're on their back, move your **** over to her mouth (she'll get the picture). If you two are still standing, guide her down to her knees (she'll get the picture).

For a LD woman, and a woman that tires easily from giving a BJ (mostly because they don't know how to give good BJ's), it's a bit trickier. It takes a lot longer for a guy to cum from a BJ, and usually a guy won't want to do anything after he cums. So to get a BJ, you'll have to start by going down on her and let her cum first. I actually prefer that, because when she goes down on you, sometimes you just want to **** her, so you have options. She's already happy, so she'll do what you want for that small amount of time she's still satisfied.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Unfortunately I am experiencing the same types of issues.

I will spend lots of time pleasing my wife orally, fingers, etc, but don't get much back.

My issue to work on I know, but sometimes.......arg...


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I would love to give my wife oral and use the small vib I bought her "at the same time", once every day, 7 days week. But since she is low sex drive, its not happening. After she's had a bath and clean down there, I love getting right in there and doing my thing until she has an orgasm. Just love it.


The combo fun is a must do. Experimented with PIV using the lelo for additional stimulation since my GF is not easy to get to O without a vibe. Mission accomplished and so very erotic!


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Having gone through years of infertility myself - the desire for a baby can be very primal and the desperation of month after month of negatives take their toll. While sex starts out as oh, we're just having fun and our baby will be conceived in passionate love - and within a few months it can become a matter of you've got a 6 hour window to ejaculate inside me - I mean right after work before we have dinner and then in two weeks you can watch me cry for 2 days for not getting me pregnant.
> 
> The act can become closely tied to a cycle of hope and despair. If you decide to give it a break its almost impossible to stop hoping still that this time will be it and you know this will lead to dispair later.
> 
> I know several couples who went back to condoms, etc to prevent them from hoping for pregnancy because the despair is too hurtful each month. Of course I would recommend birth control over abstinence myself - but I can see how it could happen that way.


My wife and I went through this same ordeal, and after two horrific miscarriages and 1 DNC procedure. Because of her age (38), my wife was obsessed with getting pregnant and had her cycles and ovulation all scheduled, along with times of the day for us to have sex. It completely took the fun and spontaneity from the act; it was more like a chore, and I was nearly fed up with it.


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