# too soon??



## Ashl (Apr 30, 2012)

My current boyfriend and I have only been dating for about 4 months but I think he is the one. I don't want to scare him off but I am pretty certain in my decision... I don't know what to do from here since I'm not the type to keep things to myself. It is killing me to not tell anyone but I know what everyone will think, probably him included: that it is too soon... To be fair we are only 20 years old and both still in college. I know what I want and I am having trouble with how to get it...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I have no idea what you are trying to get advice on.


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## Ashl (Apr 30, 2012)

I guess I don't know either. Maybe just some validation that this happens and it's okay or someone to tell me I'm being a dumb girl and I have no idea what I'm doing.


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## Ashl (Apr 30, 2012)

Maybe a way I could tell him what I'm thinking without terrifying him


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Too soon for what...sex? marriage? living together? something else?


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## Ashl (Apr 30, 2012)

Well hopefully it's not too soon for sex lol but I was really wondering if it is too soon for me to feel like he is it for me. For me to actually know that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and no one else


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't know someone 4 months in. Your blinders stay on for a good 2 years before the "real" relationship starts. And yes, you're both very young.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And I'm not discounting your feelings at all, but you are in the D!ckmatization phase right now. Enoy it. Use protection and keep your grades up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Some may feel you are too young, but plenty of people get married young and it works out just fine. Given your age though, I would strongly advise you to get some out-freaking-standing premartal counselling prior to marrying (when the time comes).

When I was a young man someone mentioned that it's wise to date a year before proposing. I asked why, and he told me that because people sometimes act differently during different seasons. Turns out this was true for my wife, she gets more somber when the sun doesn't come out as much/long.

I will also say that it's critical to see how your SO reacts during stressful and difficult situations. Your married life will be filled with them, and you need to know if this is a person you can rely on in those situations.

My wife and I saw each other at our worst on a loooong train trip to visit my father for the first time (snow got us stuck at a rail station over night and it was cold, then she got food poisoning and spent a night running to the bathroom emptying her stomach). It was after that trip (right around the 1 year mark), that I knew that this was a woman I wanted to marry. Even in that disaster, she had composure.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Ashl said:


> My current boyfriend and I have only been dating for about 4 months but I think he is the one. I don't want to scare him off but I am pretty certain in my decision... I don't know what to do from here since I'm not the type to keep things to myself. It is killing me to not tell anyone but I know what everyone will think, probably him included: that it is too soon... To be fair we are only 20 years old and both still in college. I know what I want and I am having trouble with how to get it...


Anybody can be amazing 4 months in. Take it slow - if he's the one, he will be there in a few years. 
Also, another thing to consider - you both have a lot of growing up to do, the person you are now might be different at 25 or later. Enjoy your time together, if your intimate, use protection, and don't lose focus that your in college to learn and figure what you want to do with your life career-wise. 
I'm in my mid-thirties now, and I wish I spent more time taking school more serious then.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

As a pair of college kids, take your time and get to know each other better, spending as much time as you want to in getting to know the complete person, who their friends are, and who their family is.

Rome wasn't exactly built in a day, and neither should a rich relationship based on love. Love truly is both a beautiful and mystical thing, but so is the journey in reaching that desitination. My advise is to just relish and enjoy every step of that journey!


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## Ashl (Apr 30, 2012)

I think the whole take your time message is hard to get through to me, the person I have always been is just in a hurry. Probably making all of these things more valid but I was always the girl that wanted to be married out of high school with kids on the way. Maybe I am rushing to fulfill a goal more than the actual person that I am with, even though I am undoubtedly in love with him, I agree I am being a bit too quick that he is the one maybe.


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## Ashl (Apr 30, 2012)

What I am most confused about though is how to talk to him about the fact that I have even been thinking these things, but not scare him about it


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Just be honest and forthright~ in much the same way as if you were actually married to him. He will definitely appreciate your honesty and candor. But I really think that the advise that you need is from some of our fantastic lady posters on TAM. Give them a try~ they give absolutely great advise! Just hear them out! Best of luck to you!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Ashl said:


> I think the whole take your time message is hard to get through to me, the person I have always been is just in a hurry. Probably making all of these things more valid but I was always the girl that wanted to be married out of high school with kids on the way. Maybe I am rushing to fulfill a goal more than the actual person that I am with, even though I am undoubtedly in love with him, I agree I am being a bit too quick that he is the one maybe.


I get where you are coming from. Most folks told me I was crazy for getting married at age 25... lol 25 like that's super young.

People told me that I was crazy for only dating her for a little over a year before proposing.

When I knew, I knew and I just wanted that new life with her to begin.

Having said all that... you should date longer. If this other person is just as wonderful 8 months from now, go for it. Use this time to really evaluate your SO. Enjoy your SO's finer qualities, but don't put on rose colored glasses and be blind to their faults and shortcomings (we all have them).

You are 20, waiting 8 months will not ruin anything. If you marry too soon and things don't work out, you will have to live with that mistake the rest of your life. Do yourself a favor and wait a bit longer.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Ashl said:


> Well hopefully it's not too soon for sex lol but I was really wondering if it is too soon for me to feel like he is it for me. For me to actually know that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and no one else


Some of us have stories that will shock you, I'm sure, and shock a lot of others who have well meaning advice about how old, and how long. However; I don't necessarily think I should make recommendations based on our stories. Some of us make our minds up pretty quickly, though. 

The only advice I would give is the advice my dad gave to me when I told him I was getting married. All he said was, "As long as you realize that's a lifetime committment."

I did. I committed. 

Just because I did something doesn't mean you should, though. But you're the only one who can make that determination, and you're the only one who will have to live with the consequences of that decision, whether they be good or bad.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I thought about this thread. I think it is good reading, but remember to balance it out. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/41645-marriages-nobody-believed-would-work-but-they-did.html

My story is in there. Some talk about it being a lot of work. I have a different philosophy from many when it comes to how I think about working on a marriage, and so it doesn't seem to me like what some say. However; there will be a lot of reality to deal with in a marriage, and you have to realize that it is different when you are now saying the right words like "We just gotta find a way to work it out when we have problems," but it feels a lot different when you're dealing with situations that cause difficulties in marriages. 

I'm still not saying yes or no to you - it's not my place to make those decisions for you. What I'm saying is that it is good to think what those words mean.

I meant it when I said in that thread that I have no regrets and I would do it all again with the same lady, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't had its challenges. Think carefully.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If he's the one now, he'll be the one in a year. Nothing to be gained by rushing into a commitment and plenty to lose, if he starts to feel pressured. Relax.

FWIW I am married to my high school boyfriend and first love, but we didn't get married until we were 30. If we'd got married when we were 20 it would have been a disaster. We both had a lot of growing up to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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