# Love is not enough.



## WhatNow? (Nov 1, 2009)

It was like I had an epiphany when I realised this... The key issues in a marriage are trust, respect and communication. If you dont have one (or in my case all three) then the love part gets eroded away anyway. My husband doesnt respect me. He talks down to me a lot, criticises me a lot, disagrees with almost every suggestion that I make and acts as if he always knows more than me. It is extremely frustrating and soul destroying. We dont talk. I dont trust him to take care of my feelings when I need to talk. He will either become defensive (especially if he doesnt understand what I am saying), or he will make me feel as if I am wrong to feel as I do to shut me up faster. Thats how I feel anyway. He doesnt talk to me. If we have an argument over the state of our marriage he will almost always say it is my fault. If I changed this or changed that then things would get better, so I do, but they dont. He definitely doesnt trust me. He thinks that the moment his back is turned I will have an affair. The reason for that is this: I was in contact with my ex boyfriend when hubby and I first met, but we were NOT married, only been together a month and this was six years ago! Its one of the main things we've fought about. He says to give him time, but it still gets brought up periodically. Why cant he get over it?? 

I guess my question is this: how do I gain back my husband's respect? How do I gain back my own? How do we learn to talk? How do I get him to trust me again? What should I do? Married people are supposed to be "one flesh" but I dont feel that. I feel very apart from him. I have divorce at the back of my mind all the time, but because I LOVE him, I hang on just a little bit longer, if I love him enough it will get better... It's not enough though. The love is a painful kind, because we dont have anything else to strenghen it.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

WhatNow? said:


> I guess my question is this: how do I gain back my husband's respect? QUOTE]
> 
> What makes you think he has ever respected you? Are you going by how he acted when you first met him and started dating? because at that time you really did not KNOW each other. Not like now. Now you know him, and in fact he may have never respected you from what you say about how he treats you.
> You cannot make someone respect you. If he won't you cannot make him, no matter what you do, how hard you try or what you will end up doing in your efforts.
> ...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Hey whatnow,

Here is a good place to start... 
by not only examining your views of love...
( what it is .........and consists of, etc)

but, to actually experience it... !!!!!.... by giving it to yourself. 
A good and useful use of your time... is to forgive yourself for 
getting involved with and trying so hard to change the man your with.

the fact is, you cannot change anyone.
When you forgive yourself for your mistakes in this and with him...
you will feel one part of REAL love
which is forgiveness.

It will help you know more about love, the real deal kind of love, not
some imitation variety that is anything but real.

Keep us posted


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

Wow, I'm really concerned about all of the poor self-esteem floating around here. 

*We teach people how to treat us. *

I am also concerned by some of the things you say about your husband, how he treats you - they border on verbal/mental abuse. 

If you want respect, learn to respect yourself. If you want trust, learn to trust yourself. If you want communication, you must be able to communicate with yourself first. 

If you can do those three things to yourself, then your husband will have little choice but to respect you. Because you will require it, as any self-respecting woman would. If he can't tolerate respecting you, treating with fairness, dignity, affection, kindness, and consideration, then he's not a man worthy of you, your attention and time... which means some decisions are in order. 

Decide what things you can live with and what things you refuse to live with, and stick to it. 

No decent man with even half a brain in his head (let alone a man truly worth his self-respecting salt) would expect anyone to be a mental punching bag or a door mat, which is kinda what you taught him was okay to be towards you. If he's disrespectful call him on it. If he's mean, tell him so. When he's critical, call him on it and refuse to accept it and put the ball right back square into his court. If he gets abusive when you do so, maybe you'll need to make some decisions. 

A couple times while I was talking to my husband he walked away. Not only rude, but HUGELY disrespectful and I called him on it and demanded an explanation and apology, both of which I got. 

It's never acceptable to allow someone to speak to you or treat you the way you've been allowing your husband to. 

I repeat, *we teach people how to treat us.*


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## WhatNow? (Nov 1, 2009)

Thanks guys; some things to absorb and ponder.. Your advice is appreciated. Interestingly I have lost a lot of respect for myself along with my self confidence. I used to be a lot 'better' - I guess you're right and the first point is starting work on ME!


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

I know too well how your feeling and based on what you've said it sounds like verbal/mental abuse. By any chance is your hubby a Cancer...kiddin!!  But seriously there is nothing you can do to make him respect you or change him. Some people are just negative, critical people. Some people just ALWAYS see fault in other people. You can change your actions but you can't change the way you think or feel based on someone else's opinion that's bordering too close to changing who you are. You don't want to compromise and compromise with someone who is unwilling to. (feeling like a drone) because you'll spend the entire relationship or God forbid your entire LIFE trying to please your spouse only to realize their not trying to please you and this isn't what you want and sometimes LOVE is NOT enough!


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

WhatNow -
I feel exactly like you do. When I try to talk to my husband about my feelings he asks me "why are you busting my balls?" "Why do I have to pay because YOU'RE unhappy?" I can't tell you how much that hurts. My husband lives in the past. I cheated on a boyfriend to be with him, and he cheated on his wife to be with me. He has never trusted me in 15 years, and has accused me off and on for the whole time. Just like QuitaBee said, when I say or do anything he throws it right back on me. I work full time, we have 2 young children, and I have 25 pets to take care of every day. But he does NOTHING to help. He doesn't help with the children, the chores, the animals, and now won't even listen when I talk. Last night he was on the computer, and he criticized me for leaving our 3 year old in the bath while I was doing laundry. Meanwhile, he was on the internet doing whatever it is that he does. I keep saying, should I try again? But he has always accused me of cheating, he has always criticized most of the things I've done, the only recent development is not caring about me ATALL. He accused me of having an affair 2 weeks after we bought a new house together. It was 6 years since the last accusation, and I thought it was in the past. But you see, the past never stays in the past. You can try and try to earn his respect, but it will be a battle that you can never stop. I just can't get myself to leave because he is a good father, and our children adore him. And I am afraid to be alone, to grow old alone. But every day I'm sad, and I don't want you to feel that way to. Wouldn't you love to hear someone tell you that you look nice, or you did a good job on something? Marriage counseling can help a problem, but it won't change your husband's personality. Sorry for rambling, but it was uncanny to hear your story and how close it resembles mine. And Preso, you gave me hope that maybe some day I could find happiness. You reminded me of how precious time is too - you can't get these wasted days (or years) back.


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