# Emotional wreck after many years' good marriage



## Haru2013

Hi:
My husband with many years finally took action NOT to contact with a widow he met through mutual friend after I confronted him about his one hour's talk with her acting like the15 years old boy in the midst of dinner time about one and a half months ago. At that time, he denied his behaviour, telling me 'a good friend' who needs his help. He has physical issue which prevents him from physical intimacy, sex, then he insisted it's NOT affair, but I told him it's 'emotional affair' that's as bad as 'affair' he referred to. 

Since then, we have daily talks regarding the phone with her. He finally deleted her e-mail address along with Facebook. The seriousness of his action in his effort to stay marriage offers me some comfort and relief, however I STILL have an unsettled and uneasy feelings towards my husband who people calls is a good and nice guy. 

I would believe that he succumbed to her manupulation and aggresiveness along with a plenty shower of attention he got during the period of this Spring and Fall when his helping her around the house. However, I still can NOT shake off his betrayal and secrecy. I also can not erase those suspicious feelings towards him even he always telling me where he is and to who he's talking over the phone. Simply, I lost 'trust' on him after the discovery of his 'true' nature going to her house helping her, evern though there is less sexual involved. It's emotional affair. 

Since then, a rawness of my emotional wreck over this has been overwhelming me, even though both of us agrees and wanting to stay marriage. 

Now, I want to find how to navigate the marriage to the original state where there were innocence and a lot of smiles betwen us, however I have no good solution to this. 

Your imputs and advices would be truly appreciated.


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## JustHer

It is normal to feel the way you do. It takes time after trust has been violated to gain it back again. I am not sure that you will ever be able to navigate back to the original state, the innocence is gone. But you may be able to get to a new place, and who knows, it may be better. But it will take some time, give yourself that.

I don't know all the circumstances of your marriage, I am guessing though that your husband has lost some of his ability to feel like a true man because of his inability to have sex. Are you two finding other ways to be intimate? It may help both of you if you do.


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## Haru2013

JustHer said:


> It is normal to feel the way you do. It takes time after trust has been violated to gain it back again. I am not sure that you will ever be able to navigate back to the original state, the innocence is gone. But you may be able to get to a new place, and who knows, it may be better. But it will take some time, give yourself that.
> 
> I don't know all the circumstances of your marriage, I am guessing though that your husband has lost some of his ability to feel like a true man because of his inability to have sex. Are you two finding other ways to be intimate? It may help both of you if you do.


Thanks for the response. I really appreciate it. 
Yes, I know it might take some time to get my trust back, but in the meantime I talk to my husband every day how I feel due to this. At first, he was NOT able to understand what he did, ... only helping her because he has time to do after his retirement. 

He said also, ... it's nothing wrong, because there is sexual matters involve, but after I told him my hurt and betray I feel and it's 'emotional affair/ love', he gradually understood what he did to me. He deleted her e-mail address along with block her e-mails. 

That's said, I advised him trying to stay home doing some hobbies, i.e. puzzling or airplane modelling which he did in his young age during weekends or after the work. However, he still loves to go out, mostly volunteer work through the church, but there seems not good enough for him to keep busy, since he's in good health except diabetic. He's noticeably become so energetic and active after having met this widow that he appears to me hard to sit around the house, even doing his old hobby. Pactically, he wants always on move rather sendatary environment. 

As to intimacy, we have not been quite intimate since our earlier days in the marriage except sex every nites until diabetic hit his sexual desire. To add to this, he prefers to sleep in large bed, then I let it go not bother his preference. 

It's not intimacy that causing the problem, rather he loves to help women in need. Those ladies are pretty aggressive to chase him around and he succumed to her manupulation and a ton of attention on which I can not provide him because I'm busy working on one of adult son who has health issue, along with most of households jobs, cooking, cleaning and etc. 

A good new is my husband finally admits his wrong and trying to work things out, but I know still needs time to get it back to the place prior to this happened.


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## SimplyAmorous

Haru2013 said:


> It's not intimacy that causing the problem, rather he loves to help women in need. Those ladies are pretty aggressive to chase him around and he succumed to her manupulation *and a ton of attention on which I can not provide him because I'm busy working on one of adult son who has health issue, along with most of households jobs, cooking, cleaning and etc.*


 Ok....this jumped out at me... your husband can not longer have sex.. but he wants to feel wanted, needed, appreciated... maybe one of his #1 love languages is "*Words of affirmation*"..... and he is struggling to feel this at home with YOU....as you are saying here YOU *CAN'T* GIVE THIS TO HIM....

If this be a love language he is missing.... IT is important that you CAN give him this... for his happiness and fulfillment .....we are all busy with this iron in the fire...or that... Kids at home/ running them around... some have full time jobs....but so often...it is just the Little things we say....

You can work on this... and this could fill his cup to overflowing ...it needs to start at home -where he carries "your love" throughout his day......do you flirt with him, joke around with him, show him how much you appreciate all he does?? 

A Great Article here >> Words Of Affirmation 



> *WORDS OF AFFIRMATION*
> 
> If you feel tingly, appreciated, and loved when your partner tells you all the wonderful things he likes about you, speaks highly of you to other people, compliments your hair, body, or personality…then your primary love language may be WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.
> 
> If that’s your partner’s primary love language - if he beams with pride and swells with confidence when you tell him how awesome he is - then here are 10 ways to show him love in a way that he’ll REALLY appreciate. (Hey, there are 10 months left in this year, right? How about focusing on one each month?)
> 
> *1.* *Describe one way that he excites you* - Observe your physical reaction when he comes into a room, or says your name, or touches your back. Then, in a tender moment, put your physical reaction into words. Let your heart pour out of your mouth. One Valentine’s Day, I wrote my husband a note saying, “I may not always show it, but when I hear your car pull up into the driveway, every hair on my arm knows you’re home.” That man felt SO loved, he showed that note to everyone in his office.
> 
> *2. **Tell his family how awesome he is *- Not just in a general way. Be specific. Tell them one thing he did or said that you especially liked. Or describe the quality that you most respect about him.
> 
> *3*. *Use the word, “Respect”* - When he’s telling a story about work, a hobby, or his friends, pay attention to what the story says about him as a person. Does the story illustrate his great sense of humor? His ability to see the good in people? His undying loyalty? His courage? His honesty? His steadfast determination? After his story, tell him how much you respect that quality in him. When I tell my husband, “I really respect how patient you can be with difficult people,” or “I have the greatest respect for your work ethic,” I can see him take that into himself. He pauses for half a beat, and, I believe, respects that part of himself as well.
> 
> *4.* *Use the word, “Admire”* - “Admire” can be used in a similar way as “Respect.” But the feeling each inspires can be different. To me, “Respect” simply acknowledges the other person for who they are, while “Admire” suggests that you find their qualities particularly desirable (that’s just IMHO…observe how do they feel for you). I admire my husband’s ability to tell really entertaining stories about his childhood. When I tell him so, he gets that I enjoy his talent, I get that I’d like some of that talent to rub off on me.
> 
> *5.* *Make his picture your computer or cellphone wallpaper* - A picture is worth a thousand words. So seeing his picture on your computer (or if he doesn’t see your computer, TELL him about it) will remind him that you think he’s handsome and want to look at him often.
> 
> *6*. *Talk him up to the kids *- Even if he’s not perfect…If the kids see only his difficult side…don’t try to persuade them to see/feel differently, just share with them one good thing they might not have caught on to about him. It’ll help preserve their relationship until the tough times blow over. Years ago, when my husband was stressed out and a little abrupt with the kids, I’d assure them during the day, “He may not have best way of showing it, but he is absolutely crazy about you…”
> 
> *7*. *Make an Appreciation Sandwich* - If you have something to get off your chest that might be hard for your partner to hear, start with something you appreciate about him (relative to the situation). Then insert your concern. Then end with assuring him that this one concern doesn’t mean you don’t love or feel loved by him, you simply wanted to be transparent with him. For example, once I used this approach to share a concern, “Sweetheart, I really appreciate how hard you’ve been working. But, I really miss feeling like a team here at home. I’m feeling lonely doing everything here by myself. It would really help if you’d do the dishes while I get the kids to sleep. Could you do that for me please? Seriously, though, I’m grateful that you make it possible for me to stay home with the kids…”
> 
> *8.* *Tell him YOUR side of the “How we met” story *- Share with him what you were thinking and feeling when you first took interest in him. Reminiscing can remind you both how awesome it was that you found each other. Retell the story every year…or even a few times a year.
> 
> *9.* *“Seek first to understand…*” - My favorite of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is “Seek first to understand. Then to be understood.” If you two have a disagreement, put on your Objective Journalist hat, and delve into his point of view. Don’t take anything he says personally - it’s not about you, it’s about him. Let him know, “I honestly just want to understand your perspective.” Then ask, “What’s most important to you in this situation? What did you feel inside when I said what I said? What were you thinking about me in that moment? What did you really want?” Then use HIS words to summarize his feelings, just to see if you got it right. Request that he listen to your perspective the following day. Once people feel heard and understood, they are more open and less hostile.
> 
> *10*.* Say, “Thank You” Acknowledge the things he does that you feel he’s “supposed” to do*. Recognize how important they are to you and to the family. Celebrate them verbally. Let him know, at random times, “Thank you so much for playing with the kids. I’m a happier mom knowing what great memories you’re making with them.” Or, “You work so hard to provide for us. When I see you bent over that desk, I am so grateful for all that you do. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that kind of man.”
> 
> Now, I hope this all doesn’t sounds like some 1950s b.s. about showing reverence and deference to your husband, because these suggestions EQUALLY APPLY TO MEN LOVING THEIR WOMEN (…and women loving their women…and men loving their men…Love doesn’t discriminate, so why should I).
> I’m addressing this to women because most of my readers are women, and I get tired of writing and reading “he/she” so it’s just easier to write it all one way.


62 Things to Say to Make Your Husband Feel Great 



> *A good new is my husband finally admits his wrong and trying to work things out, but I know still needs time to get it back to the place prior to this happened*.


 Yes, it will take TIME....and effort from both of you - to stir the dopamine at home towards each other..... you can step up in these little things...trust me, it will make a world of difference, he sounds like a GOOD man -who was just missing his wife...and in his weakness was enjoying the attention of others... this is what I "read" in your story......if you feel I am off... please comment.... He messed up in his weakness & is doing all he can to win back your trust....to get back on track...be encouraged....you CAN get past this...and learn from it.


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## Haru2013

Thanks for your insight. 
Today, after posting this thread a week ago, we started to talk very honestly and candidly for about half a hour, because he had nothing to do except evening chores in the church. 
I told him 'TRUST' is my issue, because this problem is like someone broken into the house in the middle of the night while I was sleeping in the bed and I LOST 'peace of mind.' He said he didn't mean to hurt me and also he LOVE the way things going on both inside and outside house which he does not like to lose because of this woman. Also, he can NOT trust this woman due to her excessive aggressiveness which seems he meant she called him in the middle of the dinner time knowing I, his wife was there. 

Both of us needs more time and talks to resolve some issue, but again, he said he does not like consequence which means he's asking me to forget it. But, I told him to give me more time. He's a good man, but he certainly LOVES women in general from the earlier marriage when we did sex every night to the current with no sex.


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## SimplyAmorous

Haru2013 said:


> *Also, he can NOT trust this woman due to her excessive aggressiveness which seems he meant she called him in the middle of the dinner time knowing I, his wife was there.*


 If he is dealing with someone like this ...it causes discomfort/ concerns to HIM, to YOU -his wife ....in any way.... he needs to set a boundary, tell her what is unacceptable...no calling during_____, etc... and if he is not willing to do this, he needs to cut her off.. Period... He was helping her, after all. She is not exactly in the position to be "controlling" or aggressive ...nor should he put up with it...

Anything that will cause further stress in the marriage should be talked about by you both ..and you go forth together...on the same page. He can not stop what she does , but he can adjust his reaction to it (again, setting his boundaries if she can not abide by his requests). 



> Both of us needs more time and talks to resolve some issue, *but again, he said he does not like consequence which means he's asking me to forget it*.


 Don't understand this part...He doesn't like consequences...(none of us do, they can be unpleasant)...... but this is a huge part of taking ownership of our own hand in hurting another... and making things right... His asking you to forget it without thoroughly talking it through so you understand all that went down...process it and work to forgive him.. ..well.. you NEED this....for resolving and getting past it. 



> But, I told him to give me more time. He's a good man, *but he certainly LOVES women in general from the earlier marriage when we did sex every night to the current with no sex.*


 This part, that he LOVES women... you mean he just has always enjoyed being around women and he always loved sex ...in the past, he has been faithful right- as far as you know? 

So Viagra doesn't work for him ? Has he looking into/ considered a Vacuum Penile Pump ...or a Penile Prosthesis: Implant, Surgery...many times insurance will cover these so long as 
a medical cause of ED has been established...a shame to completely give up on sex if other options are out there.


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## Haru2013

My husband is a good man in general, both for women and men. However, he loves attention that causing the problem starting from earlier marriage to the very current. 

Normally, he associates talking and helping women, but in this very instance, this woman seems wanting more than his helping, because of lonely or whatever reason. She told him she's one time divorcee and currently a widow, but I told him she seems more like twice-divorcee as seeing her aggressiveness and manupulation along with non-talk about the late husband to my husband. I told him if she's a widow, she must have some talk about her late husband, i.e. job, age and what fun they did during or until his death. I'm very suxpicious her state of widowship. He agreed that and told me 'hard to trust her.' And now, he seems wanting me back, .... to forget about the one-hour talk over the phone two months ago, acting like the 15 years old boy crazy about the girlfriend. 

It's VERY hard to forget it, ... not to mention, how to recovery a loss of my peace of mind and trust that ONLY people went though could undersand it. If no experience on this, it must be tough to comprehend my current state of mind, saying 'just forget it.' 

As for sex, he's no longer a young man and already in retirement, then sexual activity is not really an issue. Rather, he put his priority to help people in need, mostly women. If good women asking his help, then this sort of problem never happened, but again, he's quite naive on this regard. He's prone to trust any women and also wants to be appreciative and needed. 

For me, TALK is most comfort and gives me the process to forgive, if not forget. An expensive ring is less to the wound and hurt I experiend, but again, I plan to stay marriage which I want constructive, not other way around, destructive. 

I blame partly this woman whose true intention is trying to damage our marriage rather wanting to talk with my husband, crying over something for an hour right in front of me. I told my husband helping her is no problem, but from now on, he needs to be more careful not cross a boundary which told him not physical touch, even hold hand and hugging. Now, he told me NOT talk nor e-mail exchange with her, ...DON't worry. He said his only love is me and not face consequence, hurting me which might lead my asking him to live seperately, ... if not divorce splitting everything we built over the years in half. He said that NEVER happen. His only love is me, but again whether I can trust his word, given his behaviour I witnessed his hour's talk with this woman. It's a very hard process I'm facing now, I believe ONLY folks went through this, like mine, the above understand it.


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