# Did I make a mistake or too stressed?



## Cantbeit (Feb 4, 2011)

I've been married for 5 years, dated my husband for 5 years before marraige and now have a 2yo. Wanting another. My husband is a good man, he is kind, and a good father...just leaving me feeling completely void of any real connection or passion. He seems broken in some ways. No engagement or real presence in the relationship. He is not "showing up" in the ways I need which is making me feel totally disconnected from him. He goes to work everyday...but doesn't seem to strive for the NEXT thing, no plan that I see or that he can communicate. He used to work out a ton and although I loved the physical result, I loved that he was passionate about something even more. He re-lit that fire about a 2 months ago..but he hasn't been to the gym in the last 2 weeks. I always suggest the getaways, plan for dinner, decide what to tackle on the weekends, what gifts to get for holidays, what plans to make for our financial future...he just doesn't weigh-in. I've pleaded for him to have a voice, I dragged us into counseling..where he attended dutifuly, but had nothing to say about it after the sessions..nothing. This has lessened my sexual attraction to him and he hasn't even said anything about not having sex much. I know he loves me and he loves our daughter. I'm just feeling confused and trapped. Everytime I bring up these things making me feel like our marraige cant continue this way, he says he will change. I've suggested reaching out to his friends, church, or just hanging with more married men may help. He's content to sit and wait for his next instruction. I'm tired. I work almost 60 hours per week under very stressful conditions and have been helping parents out during severe illness over the past year. Don't want to make a hasty decision, but feel like I'm going to loose my mind. Have been pleading every way I know how for the past 2yrs. Feel like there is a problem but life stress has definitely made things worse. Don't want to make the wrong move..but want a husband, not a blanket.


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## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

Is there any chance your husband may be struggling with depression? That can cause a loss of interest even in things that used to excite him, as well as make him feel disconnected from the rest of the world. If he's middle-aged, there's also the possibility of low testosterone. If these things seem likely, bring it up with him. But tread carefully, he could be sensitive to what he sees as weaknesses. (also, don't call it "low-T" like in those commercials, we all know what it means and calling it something else doesn't help.)


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## tiffi36 (Feb 4, 2011)

it sounds like depression to me.
coming from someone who deals w/ major depression...you just kind of float thru life....resisting change coz it is easier...
I know it doesn't help any, but it may give you some answers


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## Cantbeit (Feb 4, 2011)

Thanks tiffi36 and Vienna11, I've considered that and thought that might be the case. It's so confusing, I really think he's always been this way. We dated long distance and I think my excitement everytime we DID see each other masked a lot. Now I think my unhappiness is making things worse. I really think he wants to make things "better" but I'm beginning to think I need a type of intamacy and connection in a verbal way that he just can't give?


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## nottheone40 (Feb 21, 2011)

I have 3 biological kids from a previous marriage (deceased) and 2 step children. I want out because I feel that I made a mistake. I got married just before I deployed for Iraq in 05. We bought a house when I returned and I have not been truly happy since I got back to the states. It's not that I want anyone else, I just don't think marriage is for me. My only dilemma is my kids see her as MOMMY. Do I stay for 7more years till the kids are grown or, do I end it now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

@notheone40

For better advise, you should make your own post with more details. Its hard to get much from what you said. You might want to see a counselor yourself to help you figure out what is making you not happy and go from there. 

Staying 7 more years in a relationship that you don't want to be in is not a good idea. 

Talk to a counselor (personal or marriage) and improve the marriage or find out what you are missing or what you want.


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## ann111 (Feb 22, 2011)

oh my gosh, you have married my husband of 26 years! This is so similar to what I have been dealing with. No ambition, no plans, only does what we has to do (he'a a lawyer, I thought when we ere dating that he had to be ambitious, like me). I am sitting in a hotel room, alone, because he doesn't want to travel, be around people or do anything but live in isolation. We have no physical relationship, I do love him, but he's not changing. I'm looking at renting a new place in the city. I don't want a divorce, I want to want some of what I want.


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## ann111 (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes, mine was a mistake. But how do you fix this?


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## resilience (Feb 16, 2011)

What about a course in philosophy or joining a church club or other social group that will cause ideas about alternative ways to spend time to come into their minds from alternative sources.

I know that I always feel caught in a catch 22:

If I pick the activity and I am wrong - bad choice of restaurant etc, I get blamed. 
If I do something that my wife suggested which may be sure to please then I don't show ingenuity and fail to be spontaneous. I get blamed for that too.

I spent much of the last 17 years in a fog when I wasn't actively in counseling for my history of surviving incest. this fog is a weird place where you just survive - you eat, sleep, go to work and defend your state of non-activity with verbal violence if necessary. Occasionally, something comes up like a holiday and you are filled with dread that you will screw it up, so you do the least possible thing or if you have money handy, you buy something expensive hoping the cost will show how much you really want to be a powerful and good partner- if only you weren't so afraid to be judged and fail.

If you can somehow reach the deeper mind of your men and get them to realize that their entire world is at stake because they are failing to engage and be present enough to measure what effect their lack of action is having on you, they may, like me wake up and snap out of the irrational fog.

Being afraid of being judged is one thing - but being afraid of losing your loving wife and family is on a whole different level.

If you want to make his participation easy and not as risky, maybe agree to some sort of game where you each put ideas for the weekend/vacation/etc into a hat and whatever gets pulled out is what you will do - with laughter and good humor. Maybe have a drink first to embolden both of you.

Maybe subscribe him to a magazine or online dating idea factory that suggests getaways and gifts that he can pick from.
Give him permission to pick wrong and reward him for picking at all with his favorite food and or sexual activity!

Be as up front and fun and friendly and sexy about it as you can - once you get his attention.

How to get his attention? i don't know. Maybe he will respond to food or sex or his favorite entertainment being dangled in front of his nose - maybe he will need a kick or shock such as you announcing that you are considering finding love somewhere else because his lack of paying attention and being present/involved is killing you.

In my case, this time it took my wife asking me to find another place to leave. I didn't realize the seriousness of her feelings until that occurred. In your case, I hope you still have enough love to guide him to prove his worthiness and still hang on to the marriage that I bet does mean the world to him if only he would wake up and realize what is at stake and how much the little things matter!

(this may be all slanted towards my own perspective, but then again isn't that true of all people's observations?)

take care,

Resilience.


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