# Not sure if it's going to work



## Munast (Aug 13, 2010)

My wife hit me with a bombshell this past Sunday saying she thinks she wants a "trial" seperation. Through lots of thinking and beating myself up I told her I wasn't going anywhere and we were going to work this out. 

At first she seemed willing, we've even got an appointment scheduled for this Saturday to see some one. I just don't get the feeling that she is really going to make a full effort. 

I've been trying to make myself more available and tried doing little things to show her I want to make changes, go with her to walk our dogs, do some laundry, etc. Now she's saying I'm smothering her.

I've realized that I have some other mental health issues that I'm also going to have to work out and get myself healthy and I've taken the steps to start working on that part.

I guess I really could just use a little advise as to what more I can or what little I should do. We've both always valued our space and given it to each other but she seems to want more attention yet when I give it to her she doesn't want it.

Right now I'm having a hard time understanding the female mind!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Seperation, "needing space", "I'm confused", "I need time", these things are always the one thing, the woman is no longer attracted to her man.

In this scenario, it is always for this prescription:

1. The time is at hand for affairs. If they are happening, put the stop to the them. If they have not happened, take steps to prevent them. Any affair man waiting in the wings will keep the woman from putting any effort in the marriage.

2. Do NOT become overnight the "nice guy". This is a trick and your woman will be seeing right through it. The housework, the "I love you's", the following around like a lost puppy. A woman will resent these things as dishonesty, that is why you may be surprised at to all this type of effort she is saying she is "smothered." It is the big turn off for her and any woman.

3. Improve yourself. This is what you may be saying "mental health issues" for you to start with, I do not know, but in all these things as if you were wanting to court your woman for the first time, how you would behave. Your appearance, your fitness, your hobbies, how you present yourself, in all things you carry yourself calm, confident, in control of yourself, and a plan to move forward in the relationship.

Continue to the appointment, even so much as to take the leadership in this any any other area to fix what is broken!



THe female mind? On this we can discuss for years how beautiful and attractive and stunning it is to the good man how the woman acts and behaves. But I know that is not the point of this thread so to stick to the basics that will be helpful in the short term.

1. A woman is not attracted to a weak man. Instead she will resent such a man.

2. A woman is irrestibly attracted to the man who is in control of himself and his environment, what I call the dominant man.

3. A woman will not respect a weak man. 

4. Without respect there is not sexual attraction, (when I say sexual attraction understood there is two sides to this coin, a woman feels her man is sexually attractive but more importantly * her man makes HER feel attractive*, do not miss this as sadly many men do). 

5. Without sexual attraction there is not the emotional connection. 

6. From the emotoinal connection, there flows communication, openness, vulnerablity, and trust. Think of these as priceless gifts from your woman, treasures absolutely, as they are both the rewards and the tools to complete and maintain the healthy marriage relationship with the woman. 

So when any of these fundamentals are missing, respect, sexual attraction, and emotional connection, realize the gifts and tools of openness, vulnerability, communication and trust necessary to fix the marriage are not in place or even available. 

Many good men want to jump right away to "fix" the openess, communication, vulnverability, and trust, when instead the focus of the good man needs to first be to fix the certain damage to the foundation of respect, sexual attraction, and emotoinal connection. I hope this point I am making clear!

7. A woman is emotionally connected to one man at a time. This may or may not apply in this case, but regardless, when the marriage takes the point of the woman withdrawing (i love you but not in love with you, i love you like a brother, i need space, etc), an affair man is imminent or at least a danger of happening. Understanding point number 7 is the key to handling the affair man, to keep an affair man from coming, and why it is important to get any affair man out of the picture before any progress will ever be made in the relationship!

So to wrap this up for now, do not miss the pieces of the foundation first, and do not underestimate or trivialize the importance of sexual attraction in all this, as sexual attraction to both men and women are very much flowing in every aspect of our beings, how we view ourselves and our spouses, and even why we love and marry and even get out of bed every morning!!!!!!

I wish you well.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't agree with all of BBW's ideas, but I agree that just about anyone wanting a "trial sep" is doing so to get space so they can either make some new "friends" or get closer to ones they already have.

Very hard to improve a marriage when you aren't even together.


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## Munast (Aug 13, 2010)

I see what you are saying, it's just hard as a typical man I want to find the "fix". 

When I said mental health issues it really is that depression and the trappings that go with that. I also know I have to get these things under control so I can be a better person and husband.

Hey we're supposed to go out to dinner tonight for her birthday so we'll see how that goes and I'll try to treat it like our first date.

Thanks .


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If she says you are smothering her you probably are. When a marriage reaches critical mass and one partner frantically tries to fix everything at once it can push the other away. "NOW he reacts after months of ignoring the problems!" Be confident around her and show her in your actions you want to make progress but don't fall all over your self in doing so. She will need to see a sustained and confident effort from you before she accepts you are really ready to change for the better. Are there other factors on her part you are aware of that makes her want to leave?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Aha - yes - that need to "fix" things - you'll need to let that go a bit.

Your problems didn't happen overnight - and neither will the solutions.


Amp's tagline from above says a lot:
"Confidence – Love – *Patience* – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage."

We are now 9.5 months into our 6 month separation. Not working out real well here.


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## Munast (Aug 13, 2010)

What makes it hard is there were really no clear signs that I saw. I'm sure in her mind there probably were though. I was just recently getting a coupon book from her purse and stumbled on what looks like an engament ring with a gift reciept dated yesterday...

I wasn't looking for anything other than the darn coupons and found that and now I don't know how to react. When I've asked her straight out if there was some one else she told me no.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Did you tell her you found this? What was her explanation?

Why would there be a receipt if it was a gift from a "special" friend? Doesn't make sense to me...


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## Munast (Aug 13, 2010)

I haven't confronted her about it, I've been affraid to. Is she just going to blow up that I was "snooping."


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Yes - she'll say that.

But you know that the truth is you were looking for COUPONS.

Don't be afraid of being open and honest.

They only call it "snooping" when there is something to hide.

If I were you I would go look for it right now - really - and hope its still there. Otherwise, she'll accuse you of snooping AND she'll deny it was even there in the first place.

Wish I was making this up...really do...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

In the scenarios my advice regarding "space" is always this, whether in the healthy relationship or the relationship on the skids, avoid it.

For a man to give a woman "space", is communicating by action "I don't care enough about you to fight for you" or the same thing "I don't have enough respect for myself to fight for you".

On these boards I often weigh whether it is proper to say enough or sometimes to say too much, but for the benefit of you and all other good men I will go ahead sometimes to speak plainly on these issues even to the point it may ruffle feathers and step on toes, but that is really nothing to me if the good men that need to see these things type out do indeed see them. 

So now that issue I want to make plain is confrontation.

Know this, if the good man is not confronting his woman, and in fact confronting often, things are not going to go well in the relationship.

The truth is just this, a woman whether on purpose or in subtleness WILL push buttons to see the mettle that her man is made of. 

This is the fact, and is part of the feminine nature and is exactly what her role is in the relationship, regardless of what it may upset or confuse the man, that is for him to deal with. 

So over time, in the healthy relationship, the good man and woman will do the confronting mostly subtle, sometimes with little or no words, but sometimes with obvious words or actions. 

In my situation, as I have often shared even to the point of getting so much feedback and private messages wanting to udnerstand, that if my woman is in some way acting sassy, or in some way showing disrespect or even in some way acting emotional or upset, I will deliberately make the point to engage her directly. 

This is important to understand, as the good man that wants a healthy and happy marriage this is my responsibility to do this, much as to go to work or to be faithful or to be a good father, it is my responsibility to confront my woman, and confront her often. 

Sometimes this is to stop everything and engage in direct conversation, to insist that whatever the issue is to either be dropped or resolved in some matter, or even to the point of lifting her skirt and pulling down her panties and giving her a well placed swat on the behind (which seems to get so much attention on these boards, but don't miss the more important picture!)

The important picture is, that instead for the good man to look at this confrontation in fear or trepidation, instead to see this just what it is, the opportunity to do what flows naturally from the masculine nature. 

For once or twice when some timid man finally stands up for himself to his woman, instead of seeing her fly into some rage or some other thing which in his imagination has run away with him, when instead he sees exactly this, the woman is very happy and satisfied and emotionally connected and physically attracted and turned on once she sees the man she loves acting like a man, once the good man sees this cause and effect, all the past confusion and resenting and fear in him melts, and he is himself happy and satisfied and emotionally connected and physically attracted and turned on to his woman as well.

So the good man grows connected to his woman through his masculine strength, and the woman grows connected to her man through her feminine strenght.

And exactly this, since ancient times, is the ways of the woman will work to push higher the man, and the ways of hte man will work to push higher the woman. This is our sexual heritage, and we will do well to honor this structure, the masculine and feminine, to grow in sexual attraction and emotoinal connection as the good man and woman together.

But yes it takes courage, in fact much courage, as generations of myths and lies about a man needing to act more like a woman, and the woman needing to act more like a man.

And we have relatinoshiops where the man resenting his woman, withdrawing and hiding to pornography and fantasy, perhaps eventually trying to find some affair woman to make him feel like the man. 

And the woman is resenting her man, hiding insecurity, complaining, and perhaps eventually trying to find some affair man to make her feel like the woman.

In all this, the spiral of resentment is layed out. The spiral of resentment exists because of dishonesty. The dishonesty exists because we allow fear to keep us from pursuing our happiness.

So the point of all this, Munast, to take the steps to decide if you want to save your marriage, and pursue happiness for both of you, to be willing and able to confront your woman this very day, even this very hour, on what is on your mind.

To be afraid is of no benefit and nothing to gain. 

To have courage is the only benefit, and everything to win.

I wish you well.


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## Munast (Aug 13, 2010)

Well, shortly after I posted last she came home from riding her motorcycle and I just kinda blurted it out about finding the ring.

It was a birthday gift, she said she was amazed at the extravagance of it and it really didn't hit her that it looks like an engagment ring (due to the fact that I sold retail jewelry to get through college I kinda have an eye for these things). 

We then spent the next hour and a half (maybe 2 hours) talking things out and finding some things out about each other. She is now on board with making our marriage work and giving me time to deal with my other stuff. She's going to give the "gift" back.

I truely do believe her, I saw a change in her eyes and body language over the corse of the talk and it's a lot better than it was during the preceeding days.

*and as an add thing I have to thank who ever invented Xanax!:smthumbup:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Who was the gift from? She needs to tell you and she needs to NEVER talk to him again.

Don't get too comfortable. "They" often lie and tell you what you want to hear in order to smooth the waters again.


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## Munast (Aug 13, 2010)

It's going to take a long time for me to be "comfortable" again. I don't know the guy personally but she did tell me who he was.

We have a lot more to talk about, tonight was the start. It's the first time since this whole thing started to come out that we actually had a good talk. Honestly it's the first time in a very long time that we've had a good "heart-to-heart" talk.

My wife admited that she's thinks that her judgement is cloaded, which is part of what came out in our conversation at the beginning and lead to the more indepth talk.

Communication has been part of the biggest cause to our problems both on my end as I haven't expressed as much as I should have been why I love her and on her part about what has been bothering her.

As she has gone to bed already and I'm about to and we have our plans for tomorrow I will do as you suggest and tell her about not talking to him again.

The other thing that came out is this is the person that she was talking about having coffee with before that I told her I had a problem with her doing. And this guy is married as well.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Look for some of the posts by Tanelornpete - he's got a list that he posts that takes you through how to handle this stage of things.

Hoping this means the "trial sep" that started your thread is done with too.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

You'll keep getting the answer "NO, NO, and NO!!!!", that's how it goes, most guys see the evidence right in front of their faces, but rather than see it, they try to rationalize it, never wanting to accept it for what it is...it took years of build up to get to this point for her, if you were not married to long, it's a bump in the road, but if it is a lengthy marriage, a lot of emotional damage has been done, that will take years if ever to undo...best bet, prepare to live your life without your wife, because that is what's going to happen anyway, once you come to that mindset, it will be up to her to see if she wants to go after you again but it will take awhile


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi Munast, 

How are you doing now?

LW

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> Hi Munast,
> 
> How are you doing now?
> 
> ...


Zombie thread alert...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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