# Help - Fickle Wife or Dishonest - would you risk it?



## deloitte (Feb 5, 2014)

Desperate plea for advice.

My wife is from the USA and I am from the UK. We got married 6 years ago. 9 months ago she left me (in the UK) citing that her elderly parents needed her - she gave me less than a week's notice. Prior to this she has spent considerable time visiting the States (6 months in total the year before). Out of our 6 years of marriage she has spend 2 years in the States - the majority of it not for her parents just to visit family and friends generally. I have always disagreed with her time there - as how is she going to settle and find a job here and what about kids (we are approaching 40s).

She has admitted she was wrong leaving me and wanted to come back. I said come back before Xmas and she said that she wanted to spend it with her family - I objected heavily and said she should come back here as she had been in the States for 7 months already.

Anyway, I thought we had sorted her coming back on the 22nd of Feb and she has booked her ticket. She had previously agreed to live here and she knows the biggest problem I have with her is that I need certainty and can not live my life not knowing what she is going to do next. Anyway, she has just said that she is not committing to living in the UK forever. She said even if our marriage worked we would need to consider to move to the USA. I have always stated, including before marriage, that the UK is my home and this is where I intend to live. I asked her if in 3-4 years she decided to move to the States and I did not want to what would she do - her response was "if you respected me you would come with me". 

I just need to run this by everyone - am I being a total muppet and fool here. Everyone in my family and friends circle does not want me to have her back as she has left to visit the States so many times, including times when I needed her the most and that she will do it again, especially as her parents age. Is it unreasonable for me to want a degree of certainty? Or should I just wait and see until I am in my mid 40s and take the chance that she might just want to stay (very unlikely in my opinion). I went to the States with her for 3 months three years ago and I hated every minute, she did not have any time for me and totally ignored me in favour of her parents and sister. I would not put myself in that position again as it really affected my health. Is my marriage over?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is your marriage over? Doesn't seem like it ever really started...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

deloitte said:


> Desperate plea for advice.
> 
> My wife is from the USA and I am from the UK. We got married 6 years ago. 9 months ago she left me (in the UK) citing that her elderly parents needed her - she gave me less than a week's notice. Prior to this she has spent considerable time visiting the States (6 months in total the year before). Out of our 6 years of marriage she has spend 2 years in the States - the majority of it not for her parents just to visit family and friends generally. I have always disagreed with her time there - as how is she going to settle and find a job here and what about kids (we are approaching 40s).
> 
> ...


Sounds like you are having a discussion now that you should have hammered out before marriage. You say that you "have always stated" your intent to stay in the UK forever, but did you solicit your wife's opinion on this? As things stand you don't seem to have much of a marriage.

When you visited the US with her, though, she should have been more attentive to you, the visitor from another land. It sounds like you each consider "home" to be something different, something that does not necessarily include one another.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

You are supposed to be together when you are married. It's like you are still in bf and gf stage.

Your marriage doesn't seem to be over. It's your choice though if you want to live in this miserable marriage. I would listen to your family on this one.

Also, don't marry and expect someone to change. Whoever she is now, just accept that this will be who she is in the future. If she isn't staying with you now, she won't stay with you in the future.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Grow some balls, mate. She's taking the p!ss (or you are).


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your situation. I was thinking of all kinds of things to type out, but it really comes down to this: Do you prefer to stay married to this woman or live in the UK? 

Something to think about. But first of all, ensure that there is no affair. You don't want to choose her and then lose both her and your nation of choice. 



deloitte said:


> "if you respected me you would come with me"


Bah. Translated: "Do as you're told". 

FWIW, most guys end up living close to their wife's family. It just seems to go that way. I very rarely see it the other way around, and I know quite a few couples who married internationally.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She keeps coming up with excuses to spend more and more time away from you. 

I think that shows how much she really wants to be your W. What happens if she comes back to the U.S. for a visit, and she meets or is introduced to a "suitable replacement" Yank?


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## deloitte (Feb 5, 2014)

Guys - thank you so much for your responses - appreciate your advice and time.

The thing is I am 39 and can move on as emotionally I have been through the worst when she left with so little notice (just before our 5th wedding anniversary for which I had planned a getaway and she knew i had planned it but kept her motives secret). I can find someone else, the problem I think I am going to have with her without a shadow of a doubt is that she will leave again and I will be stuck in a miserable circle. 

I dont have a problem for her to go to look after her parents but both are well and working right now - i fear when they age and fall in that she will be gone for blocks of a couple of years at a time. My mum's view is very strong on this - that I should NOT have kids with her as she will leave and I will be left stranded - she will use that as leverage to get me there. Should I be calling it a day?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

From your post she does not sound very connected to you emotionally. Is that true?

I myself have moves out of state to be closer to my wife's parents, which actually helped us be cause it was not long after that my wife was diagnosed with MS but that's my story.

She seems to want you there, Yet she is ok with long periods away from you.

Has she always been close to her parents?

Did she call them often when she was with you?

Does she have a strong emotional support system there with friends and family?

Have you checked to see with whom she is in contact regularly?

Is it possible she is seeing someone on the side, or has a very close male friend, either there or online whom is giving her the support she should be looking to you for?

She seems more than willing to disappoint you.

Does she shy away from face to face discussions about topics you disagree about?

I think you are right to be concerned with the way she is engaging the relationship and not being forthright about her intentions.

I wish you well. Take care!


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

Yes, pack it in, call it a day, cut your losses and run, live to fight another day, whatever you choose to call it. As others have said, this is something that should've been settled before you were married, but as it stands now, she's not showing any respect for you at all, and that is not going to change - if anything, it's only going to get worse. 

Lots of pretty girls in the UK, tell your wife you've had enough and go find one. Better yet, just for fun, while she's away, move and don't give her your forwarding address. 

Sorry you're in that mess, hope it all works out fine, but I'd get out of there on the very next train and never look back.


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## deloitte (Feb 5, 2014)

We met online and after a while (after meeting a few times) and after taking counsel from family and friends decided not to get married to her on the basis that she and her sister are two siblings (and as we are Indian) it is customary to look after aged parents (I have always said to her that her parents can move in with us here if they needed us but she doesnt buy that as "why should they have to move"). She begged me to get married and cited the fact that she had not lived with her parents since she was 18 as they were too strict. She even got her friends to call me and explain that she would be happy here and the parents issue should not be a concern. Before we got married I told her that I knew she would go back and it was a matter of time and she hadnt thought things through - but she insisted I was wrong.

I do not think that she has any emotional attachment to me at all or here in the UK. She is a barrister, but has only worked 9 months here on the basis that she needs flexibility to keep going back to the States. A few years ago when things turned pear shaped for me as someone ripped off all my and families money, she went back for 3 months - at a time i needed her most. My family saw me through that difficult time.

All she seems to want to do is now be with her family, her sister (from hell) and her brother in law. I was even after the family dog in terms of etting attention when i went there for 3 months. Even her mum and cousin sister pointed out that she should be spending more time with me as it was foreign to me but she ignored that.

I dont think she is seeing anyone else - although due to time differences I have never spoken to her during her evening/night times. I look on facebook and her friends post pics of her on nights out having the time of her life - whilst i sit here saving for our future.

Her parents have not helped either - as they keep putting pressure on her to visit and move back there with me, several times citing "you live in small houses, your life would be better here". They have no sense or understanding at all.

Just spoken to my sister who went through a divorce 10 years ago, and she says she feels like strangling me as I cant see the obvious here!?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yep, time to move on. Especially before your family rebuilds any wealth. She sounds really flaky, and while I think it's pretty one-sided for a guy to say, "I'm not moving where you want to, ever," it sounds like you did make this clear in the beginning and she agreed to it. Tell her she's in breach of contract and get an attorney that won't take a hike on you while you're going through a divorce!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Thank you for the update deloitte, the background information is very helpful. I can see the situation better now and I understand your point of view.

(Being ripped off like that, I am sorry you had that happen it is so wrong.)

Its seems to be just what it is, there is no mystery here just a short list of possible choices. I am not inclined to say do this or that, but no one can fault you for making some changes to your life here.

Its up to you, 
I do wish you well.

Take care!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I thought that in Indian culture the deal is generally that the wife moves in with the husband (and, usually, his family).

At any rate she doesn't sound terribly invested in the marriage.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

deloitte said:


> Should I be calling it a day?


*YES!!!*



deloitte said:


> Just spoken to my sister who went through a divorce 10 years ago, and she says she feels like strangling me as I cant see the obvious here!?


Obviously, you need to call it a day and move on. What you have now is not a wife. You want her to be something that she's not. 10 or 20 years from now, she'll still be the same person. Do you like they way things are going right now? If yes, then stay. If no, then divorce.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'd be telling her what Oliver Cromwell and Churchill told their immediate predecessors: "In God's name...just go!"


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## deloitte (Feb 5, 2014)

The realization is setting in. I have to move on. I cannot reason with her or her family. She has in no uncertain terms stated that she will move to the States in the future regardless of what I say, so I ask myself what the hell am I still doing here and entertaining her - I need to get the hell out of dodge!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

deloitte said:


> I do not think that she has any emotional attachment to me at all or here in the UK. She is a barrister, but has only worked 9 months here on the basis that she needs flexibility to keep going back to the States.


 Do you give her any money at all? Do you pay anything to fly her back etc? If so, then with no emotional attachment to you, you are nothing more than a meal ticket.



deloitte said:


> I dont think she is seeing anyone else - although due to time differences I have never spoken to her during her evening/night times. I look on facebook and her friends post pics of her on nights out having the time of her life - whilst i sit here saving for our future.


 While contributing almost nothing to the relationship, she regularly goes out to party when she is away. Sorry, but since she thinks and acts like a single person, and since you are effectively already separated as if you were in the process of a divorce, I would be amazed if she has not regularly been cheating on you. She may not have a specific "anyone", but as a single person she is dating, and you are in reality nothing more to her than a date that she stays with sometimes.

Because she is away from you so often, you have gone sexless for many of the months of your relationship with her. You are not really married where you can enjoy all the benefits of a normal marriage. End it now as you are not really in a marriage. When you find someone that actually wants to be your wife, you will be kicking yourself for having stayed in this situation (I refuse to call it a marraige) for so long.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

deloitte said:


> I need to get the hell out of dodge!


 Actually, that is what she just said.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I think TRy is making a lot of sense here.
Your investing a lot, more than she deserves ATM and you may indeed regret spending much more time on it.

She is having the time of her life at the expense of her marriage. You are not even sure you can ever trust her words or intentions again. Cut her off and cut her lose. She is using you. Be prepared to just go dark on her at some point.
I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deloitte (Feb 5, 2014)

You guys are superb, many thanks for your responses. I just need to stay strong. She will try and wriggle her way in again as it suits her now, but she will be gone and its only a matter of time. Being with someone that I will never know what she is thinking and what she is going to do next and not being able to plan any future is not for me. I should have ended this years ago. She doesnt use me for any money to be fair - I do pay for everything here but she is very low maintenance. She pays for her own airfares and money when in the States as she works there when she goes - funny how that money never comes into our marriage though or I am never informed of what she has over there - it is her little nest egg to do what she wants and when she wants - which should not be the case and I have never put my foot down. I know she is going to call me tonight, but I dont know what to say to her anymore - she's going to try and push for her coming back and say let's just play it by ear and see where life takes us - which does not suit me at all.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

deloitte said:


> I know she is going to call me tonight, but I dont know what to say to her anymore - she's going to try and push for her coming back and say let's just play it by ear and see where life takes us - which does not suit me at all.


I don't know that I would show my hand yet.

Maybe something like this...
"This hasn't been a marriage in years, I am not sure how I feel and I need some time and space to think this through."

But if you say this she is going to want to come back even more.

I don't know how you can hold her back without causing untimely alarm.

When do you want the drama to start?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... You may want to talk to your own lawyer before you tip your hand. It may be advantageous for you to file locally before she can file somewhere else. Information is king!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Anyone who has ever left their home country can understand feeling torn between the relationship and home.

How often do you go to the US with her?

You have to put your foot down for sure. But you have allowed this for so long that maybe a last chance is in order.

What's the scoop with citizenship? I know if someone doesn't spend 6 months in the US there can be ramifications.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

deloitte said:


> I know she is going to call me tonight, but I dont know what to say to her anymore - she's going to try and push for her coming back and say let's just play it by ear and see where life takes us - which does not suit me at all.


 Tell her the truth in a calm manner. Tell her "We are in reality married in name only, as I do not feel that you as a wife have committed to me such that I would feel safe in having children with you, or in growing old with you. You moving away for so long without consulting me, had the same real world impact on my life as if you filed for divorce and legally separated from me, right down to you having your own separate fiances. At this point, I want to continue with the divorce process that you effectively began when you moved out. I want to find and be married to someone that cannot imagine life without me, and that person is clearly not you."


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## deloitte (Feb 5, 2014)

If we get a divorce, she wont want anything from me (i say that but I guess who knows). She hasnt been money orientated at all in the past. Ive been to the States for 3 months in total in the 6 years we have been married - and I have agreed to go every year with her. What is clear is, and she has made it clear, is no matter what i or we do here, no matter how happy she is here, no matter whether we have kids, that she will move back to the States at somepoint at which point it is upto me to go with her or be alone. Not exactly a great offer is it. I cannot be around her when she is anywhere near her family as she becomes a totally different person, totally ignores me and constantly jabs our way of living in the UK - which actually is pretty good as I am a senior accountant at a firm, and if she wanted to pull her finger out and work she would earn a fair whack too. This is not going to be easy, but it also is not going to be hard as she has done way too much to disrespect the marriage and me. in 2012, she went for 3 months to the States, came back for 9 weeks and said she needed to go again as it was her dads 70th birthday and went for another 3 months - she gave me a weeks notice. I was furious as she could have gone for the birthday and why did she go earlier in the year for 3 months. I did say at the time that was disrespectful and if she ever did it again that would be it - well she did it again this time around. I had also put a deadline that she should come back before xmas 2013 so we could spend it together as she had been away for several months, she blatantly said no and that she wanted to spend it with her family. Its her birthday on the 12th and she wants to spend it with her family and friends and has bought her ticket to fly back on the 22nd. I can not always be a mug and must make a stance now - I have no future with her.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Do you think that in contrast to her strict family she was naturally drawn to you because you are a nice guy?

Instead of cherishing that she ends up taking it for granted and takes advantage of you, even to the point of disrespect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Listen to your sister.

talk to an attorney now and file. Save her the trouble of coming back to the UK.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I am sorry OP, this is a marriage that never began. Your wife may love the idea of being married, but appears genuinely unwilling to fulfill the commitments marriage entails. You cannot improve your position on your wife's list of priorities, only she can choose to elevate you. Sounds like you have already decided what must be done ... Kindest Regards-


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Take her to the airport, be all "supportive" right up until she gets ready to walk away to the gates. Then ask her if you have her family's address right. When she asks "Why?", tell her so that you know where to send her stuff, and tell her that you are divorcing her before you turn to walk away.

I know, it's cold, but so is she!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> What's the scoop with citizenship? I know if someone doesn't spend 6 months in the US there can be ramifications.



Only if you're on green card. Once you naturalize you could stay out as long as you wish.

If she's a lawyer she likely can't practice in the UK - did that ever come up?

Also I would not be too concerned about being away 2 of 6 years. A lot of Indian friends I have spend months on end separated from their spouses for many reasons, work, family, etc. There are other warning flags tho.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Take her to the airport, be all "supportive" right up until she gets ready to walk away to the gates. Then ask her if you have her family's address right. When she asks "Why?", tell her so that you know where to send her stuff, and tell her that you are divorcing her before you turn to walk away.
> 
> I know, it's cold, but so is she!


 Great idea, accept for one thing. He would not be taking "her *to* the airport", he would be taking her *from* the airport. The whole issue is that she again suddenly left him without consulting him to visit friends and family, and has extended her stay away for many months.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

TRy said:


> Great idea, accept for one thing. He would not be taking "her *to* the airport", he would be taking her *from* the airport. The whole issue is that she again suddenly left him without consulting him to visit friends and family, and has extended her stay away for many months.


Alright, then he could just call her in the U.S., and ask her about the address, and to not bother coming back!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Strange...why do I hear Mumford & Sons "The Cave" going through my head?


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## deloitte (Feb 5, 2014)

Ok - so she did not call last night - which was a bit weird. She will no doubt call and try to bamboozle me into okaying her return on the 22nd as she has bought her ticket. I need to resist. I have thought through our future together and which ever way I look at it, she will not be around when I need her most as her family and friends will always come first. I do not want to live my life not knowing what she is going to do next as everything is very secretive and she makes last minute unilateral decisions. There is something of a dark side to her as well which I have never been able to put my finger on, no matter how much I try to make her understand how disrespectful her actions are when she leaves for such long periods with a week's notice, she can't see that as disrespectful and thinks it is reasonable. I don't think she will ever change. All the warning signs were there pre-marriage, I just ignored them and thought she would change. I need to position myself out of this mess with her.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I would feel the same deloitte
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deloitte (Feb 5, 2014)

Thank you guys for your time re above a week ago - I thought the decent thing to do was to provide you with an update. Since I called her out on her intention to leave for the States with or without me in the near future she has stopped all liason with me. I have emailed her to contact her. It was also her birthday on Tuesday, 2 days ago, so I sent her a card which she got and also called her and she never picked up so I left a voice message. She never did reply to me. What I did see was pics on her sisters facebook of her going out and celebrating her birthday with her sister and friends.

Feel like a fool even though she had been so cold and calculating I thought there may be a way, but obviously not. It has hit me hard the reality, I sit here having called in sick at work and am on last bit of a bacardi bottle. Ont thing is for sure is that I will no longer be such a pushover in life, I have been screwed for love and money for the last time ever.

Once I do get myself together I will be a regular contributor on here as the guys who did respond made me feel so much better - thank you so much.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

deloitte said:


> Thank you guys for your time re above a week ago - I thought the decent thing to do was to provide you with an update. Since I called her out on her intention to leave for the States with or without me in the near future she has stopped all liason with me. I have emailed her to contact her. It was also her birthday on Tuesday, 2 days ago, so I sent her a card which she got and also called her and she never picked up so I left a voice message. She never did reply to me. What I did see was pics on her sisters facebook of her going out and celebrating her birthday with her sister and friends.
> 
> Feel like a fool even though she had been so cold and calculating I thought there may be a way, but obviously not. It has hit me hard the reality, I sit here having called in sick at work and am on last bit of a bacardi bottle. Ont thing is for sure is that I will no longer be such a pushover in life, I have been screwed for love and money for the last time ever.
> 
> Once I do get myself together I will be a regular contributor on here as the guys who did respond made me feel so much better - thank you so much.


It is divorce time. See a lawyer to find out your rights and then file for divorce. Stop fussing around. All it is doing is making you sick.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Its hard now but you has so much going for you deloitte, you have a lot to look forward to, and this lesion will put you in a strong position.

We often recommend a few books, A Married Mans Sex life is a must read, it not a sex manual it about keeping your "edge" as a man.

And No More MR Nice Guy, is another, it has a website and a free download.

It would be great to see you posting here, I wish you well, Take Care!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You have done what you can. Start the divorce paperwork before she goes. It will give her something to read on the plane. You could start packing her things for her, too. That little bit of action onyour part won't erase the sadness but it will help you feel more in control. She isn't leaving you. You are jettisoning dead weight.


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