# My relationship story... need help



## A-mess (Sep 8, 2010)

Before The Marriage:

I met my wife 7 years ago and it was love at first sight. It was like a fairy tale relationship for the first few years. We moved in together almost instantly and started a life together. We had our own friends but we did almost everything together. We were almost inseperatable. We enjoyed going out to the bars and socializing with new or old friends. We had a fantastic sex life and she mad me glow when she walk into the room. I landed a good job as an engineer and my time started becoming demanding. I spent most of my time at work because the overtime pay was incredible and I wanted to provide a better life for her. All the time that I had off, I made sure it was devoted to her. It seemed like it wasn't enough for her because she started to distance herself from me and went out with her friends instead of spending that time with me. She started drinking heavily and wouldn't come home till well after bar closing time. I started to get worried about her and felt that she was being unfaithful to me. She would get random phone calls from guys and would leave the room suspiciously when talking to them. I started asking questions, and she turned it into me being controlling. I started to pursue her for the love that we once shared. She became more distant and blamed me for the problems that we had. I started to feel inadequate, almost ugly. This has never been me. I am a very attractive man. I seeked professional help and the counselor told me that she was right and found nothing wrong with what she was doing. I stopped the questions and the pursuing and let her be off on her own. Two weeks later, I found out from her good friend that she had been cheating on me with one of my friends. Her friend had told me that I deserved it because my (wife now) girlfriend was telling everyone that I was beating her. I was in absolute shock at this because I loved her so much and would never lay a hand on her. I confronted her about this and we ended the relationship. I felt horrible and all the feelings of being cheated on hit me hard. She contacted me a few days later and explained to me that she was sorry and told me that she had a drinking/drug problem and that was the reason for cheating. I forgave and went back to her. I encouraged her to get rid of the friends that she was hanging out with because they were enabling the drug/drinking problem. She has always wanted to be the center of attention in whatever crowd she was with and she would tend to do the things that her friends were into, but to the extreme. We started to work on our relationship again and everything went back to the way things were when we first met. Six months after the cheating she went off birth control (I had no idea) and she became pregnant with our first child. I was a little bit upset with her, but I was overjoyed that I was becoming a father. I asked her to marry me and we planned on getting married a year after the baby was born. She became very cold towards me showing me no affection or love during the pregnancy. Insulting me every chance she got, and complaining to my friends and family about me. I became distant toward her and focused my time and energy on work. Toward the end of her pregnancy it felt like we were just room mates. A woman at work approached me daily and frequently. Giving me the attention that I urned for with my soon to be wife. I was flattered but I blew it off. I got transferred to a different facility so I didn't physically see her anymore. She found me on a social networking site and we started chatting daily. I became emotionally attached to the feelings that she provided me. She made me feel wanted. I never made physical contact with this woman but there was an emotional connection. Like every wrong doing you are going to get caught. I explained everything to my soon to be wife but she didn't believe that I didn't have a physical affair with this girl. We worked things out and next thing you know we had a beautiful baby girl. Everything was great. She snapped out of the bitterness toward me and we let the past be the past. A few months before our wedding she told me that she was pregnant again, but didn't want to go through with the pregnancy because she was just getting her body back and she wanted to look good for her wedding. She told me that she was going to get an abortion. I was very angry with her and didn't agree with it all but she went ahead with it anyhow. I put the guilt aside and went ahead with the wedding.

The Marriage:

The first few months of our marriage we were both really busy. We bought a new house and we had a child to take care of. When she was not working she was running errands and taking care of our baby. She was always taking care of Dr. appointments, day care, etc. We tried to spend as much time together, but with work and our child it was very difficult. To add to the stress. The company I was working for was folding and I had to take a new job. I found one without missing a beat, but it came with a pay cut. She was actually happy about the decision, because it freed up my time to help with our child. As soon as I would walk in the door I would step up and take our baby off her hands. She agreed that she would pick up extra shifts to make up the difference in pay. She became the primary breadwinner. This was a very difficult transition for myself, because I was used to making the money and providing for us. When our daughter would get sick, she would still take the time off work to take care of her. During this time she became cold and distant toward me again. Sex was non existent and we fell into a routine of work and home. I would ask her what is wrong but she wouldn't communicate or she would snap and go off on me about how she did everything and I didn't do anything to contribute. I would also try to tell her that I need affection and love for our marriage to work. We went back and forth with each other. Neither one of us communicated our feelings in the right way. Things got better and I thought that we were on the right path. We started trying to have another child. She miscarried the first time but was successful on our second attempt. I started to realize how much of a **** I had been throughout her first pregnancy so I stepped up to the plate and took care of her everyneed. I also realized that she was crying out for help and she wanted me to take more initiative when it came to taking care of our first child. I started to change my ways and took care of business. During the pregnancy she became very cold again and started the same routine as before. For a little bit, I complained that I needed attention. I tried to communicate this to her in several ways but nothing worked. At one point in time I felt like I was giving and giving but she wasn't giving back so I threatened to leave her. I kick myself everyday for doing this, because that is not what I wanted to do and she was pregnant. I stopped doing this and I chalked it up to the pregnancy. I apologized and continued with making her pregnancy as easy as possible for her. We had a beautiful boy and I was in heaven. When I was home I spent all of my time taking care of the children and cleaning the house so she could rest. She went back to work a week or so early because our funds that we had saved were running short. I thought that we were doing great, but what I didn't know is that she had built up so much animosity toward me from everything that we endured in the past. When our son turned 3 months old she told me she wanted a separation. I was in shock and asked her why. She told me that she felt like she had fallen out of love with me. I went back to feeling rejected and inadequate and I started pursuing her love again. All this did is make her very angry and she felt like I was manipulating her into not wanting to separate. I became a mess. We went to counseling and she began to pour out what was being built up over the years. She had told me that I took all of her friends away, I was controlling, I didn't appreciate what she did, and she was tired of doing the same routine everyday. I still didn't understand how she could fall out of love and I tried to convince her that the marriage was worth working on and these problems could be fixed. I pursued and pursued but she became more distant and became very angry with me. She didn't want anything to do with it, she wouldn't even listen to me anymore. She said that she was tired of repeating herself and she wanted a divorce. She started going out to the bars again not coming home till well after the bar closed and sometimes not at all. I asked her if she was seeing someone but she said no. She said she wished she was because then maybe I would leave her alone and move on. I didn't know what to do but I knew that I had to be there for the kids. She came home one day and told me she was going out of town with her "girlfriend" to think about things. (Come to find out she went to see her ex that was in the military) I believed her and gave her the space. When she returned she told me that she was serious about the divorce. We argued then agreed that one of us had to leave. So I left.

The Separation: 

During the first part of separation, I left her alone and started to concentrate on taking care of the kids and myself. I had them all the time while she was going out drinking and partying. When she would take them I started searching for attention myself, because I felt inadequate and ugly. I know that I am not and attention came fast. I went to a party with friends of mine and a woman approached me and flirted with me the entire night. My friends ran out of boos, so the woman asked me if I wanted to go with her to pick some up. I went and one of my wife's coworkers saw me with the woman. Nothing happened with the her, but my wife assumed. I explained what happened and my wife told me how much she loved and missed me and wanted to work on things again. We didn't move back in with each other but we started counseling again and went out a few times. Everytime we would go out it followed with her going out to the bar with friends. In counseling it was like a war zone and again she made it out to be me to be the one to blame. I know that I am not a saint and I admitted my shortcomings, but she manipulated it and made it seem like it was all me. The counselor told us to take a break from each other for a few weeks to calm down and to see if we really loved and missed one another. Our anniversary and mothers day was coming up at the end of those two weeks so I bought her a gift. I left it at the house for her as a surprise. During the two weeks she bought a plane ticket to go see a "friend" over the weekend of our anniversary because she said that she needed some space. She absolutely loved the gift though. Before she went on her trip I picked up the children from the house and she gave me a hug and broke down and cried in my arms. Told me how much she really did miss me and how much she really loved me. She asked me to watch the house for her while she was gone and I agreed. I told her that I wouldn't stay there but I would check on it daily. The first day I went over there she had left me a card and a gift on the table. In the card, she said how sorry she was for the way she had acted, and that no matter what happens between us that she would always love me. She also said that she missed me and having her family around. I thought that things were going great. I was wrong. The day that she came back, I asked her to go out golfing with me and she explained that she would love to but just as friends. Again I didn't understand and I started pursuing and searching for answers. This just fueled her anger and she started hating me. After a few weeks of the pursuit, she finally told me that she realized that she didn't love me and that I needed to move on with my life. There is only so much I could take so I decided that I needed to take her advice and move on with my life. A month into it I finally started to get my confidence back and a woman landed in my lap. We hung out and spent a lot of time together. It started off to be a good relationship but with my situation I really wanted to take it slow. I didn't jump in and have sexual relations with her or anything. We just enjoyed each others company. I also realized that I needed to move out of my current residency and find a place of my own. My wife caught word of the woman and told me she was happy that I was finally happy. It proceeded with the I love you and miss you comments and how she realized what I was trying to tell her and that she knew she was wrong for what she had been doing. She said she messed up. I ignored this at first, but she was consistent with the way she felt. She also told me that she knew she had a bad drinking problem and she needed mental help. Some of her comments were very scary. I really thought that she was going to commit suicide. I broke it off with the woman and decided that I would give her another chance. I love my wife and I was hoping to have my family back. I told her how I felt about it and she poured her feelings out too. On our first meeting, it was and explosion of emotions. I don't think I made it half way through the door before she showered me with affection. We didn't do too much talking this night, but I knew that we had to make a plan to get her help and our marriage help too. I talked to her about what she had been doing and the trips she was taking and told her that I needed to trust her in order for us to work. She told me that nothing happened and that she had been faithful to me the entire time we were separated. I told her that she would have to show me consistency with how she felt about me, get into counseling, and that she would definitely have to do whatever it takes to quit drinking for good. I told her that I would work on whatever I needed to work on also. She agreed with me in all of this, but then went cold. I visited her again and told her that I didn't understand why all of the sudden she distanced herself from me. We talked about her and she told me how messed up she was and then she again showered me with affection. At this time, our divorce is final in a little over a month. I was being pressured by that and my living situation. I told her about the places I was looking at and that I didn't want to make any long term decisions that would affect us. I was hoping that she would tell me not to move in anywhere and that she was serious about us but she blew up and told me that I have to do what's best for me. I didn't understand and I felt like she was leaving me in limbo. The pursuit started again. She continually told me she loved me and wanted to be a family again but she wasn't getting the help and she was still drinking. She started to get angry with me and said that she can't work on us and herself. I received a call from one of her friends that she had been hanging out with and she told me to run away. She explained that my wife had been lying to me this entire time and has not been faithful to me at all. She named a bunch of names and events. I heard enough. I waited a while till I was calmed down and confronted her about it. She became very offensive and turned everything around on me. She said that nothing of that sort happened and I can believe whoever I want to believe. I remained calm and told her I loved her and just wanted to know if any of this was true. Really, I didn't know who to believe because her friend has nothing to gain by telling me this. I don't really even know this person. She calmed down and apologized and told me that she loved me. After this she became cold again. I continued to pursue and search for answers. This brings us to today. Over the holiday weekend I asked her to make a decision. The divorce is final at the end of the month and I would like to know where I stand. She said that she is tired of me asking the same questions that she doesn't have answers to and that she does want the divorce. I told her how hurt and confused I was about all this and how worried I was about her well being. She got very angry with me and told me to leave her alone. She is still drinking but lies and say she isn't. I feel like I am going crazy I don't know how to leave her alone with everything. I just want to understand. I don't know what to do. Should I stick by her side and see that she gets the help that she needs? I know that as soon as I leave her alone she will run back to me. I love her but she can't keep doing this to me. What to do?


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

I don't think there is anything that you can do. Your wife has to choose to get help before your relationship can work. Sounds like she needs to go to therapy and really work through all her issues. Maybe take some meds to level out her mood swings. Some people will probably post that you should really move on. I can't give that advice because I will not give up on my wife as well. 

My wife left me about a month ago. We have a one year old baby girl. We just grew apart after we had our child. I love my wife. She is the only woman that I want. She is going to therapy and trying to work on her issues but I really don't know if she will ever take me back. Im going to therapy. Im getting advice from all my friends and family. Im going to church. I am trying to make myself better and at the same time continue to let my wife know that I love and miss her. All I can do is pray that she will get over our past issues and come home. 

Good Luck.


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## A-mess (Sep 8, 2010)

Thanks, I do not want to give up on my wife. I am also in therapy. I am seeing the same counselor that we were both going to and she tells me that my wife has Boderline personality disorder or she is Bi-Polar. This runs in her family. I just don't know how much damage I can take from her.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

A-mess, I really feel for you. I once worked with a woman who made me feel really awful about myself (and with me already having depression, the effect she had on me was quite devastating). I spoke to a friend who is a trauma counsellor, and she said by the sounds of it, this woman had borderline personality disorder. She said she once had to debrief a psychologist who had a patient with the disorder. She said the psychologist was in tears and said "something terrible must be going on with that person for ME to feel so bad". It was a very profound statement. The psychologist also said that if you come across someone with this disorder, "run". But how can you run from your own wife? It is so damaging for the mind and soul of the other person. I don't know what to tell you. I've only met one person with it, and I hope never to meet another. I know you want to do what's best for your wife, but sometimes you have to do what's best for you and your kids first.


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## A-mess (Sep 8, 2010)

She has ran through a few therapist already. I don't think that they know how to work with her. I have done alot of research on this disorder, and its really scary to think that she is my wife and the mother of my children. I talked to her last night about some things, and she said that she wants her independence and freedom. I told her that I love her and that I understand (which I really don't), but I can only be there for her as her husband. I don't think I have a choice but to leave her alone and let her figure things out on her own. I have been there for her for the past 7 years, and I am afraid that one day she is going to realize that I am not in her life anymore and do something to hurt herself or what matters most to me, our kids. Then I will be the one that feels the guilt of leaving her alone...


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Does she have the kids with her?


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## A-mess (Sep 8, 2010)

We share split custody. I have them most of the time, but when she has them I make sure that I keep tabs on them. Can't do anything about it. Thats what the courts ordered in our separation and divorce agreement. I have been working on not talking to her and it seems like the anxiety and worries about her are starting to fade. I just have to make sure the kids are ok.


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