# he cheated now i'm in an EA



## ItsTheLittleThings (Oct 4, 2012)

Ok, first of all, summing up the last 5 years of my life would be a novel on here. So I'll try to be as short as possible.

I'm going to leave out the drama and details of my husbands and I's relationship in the past and focus on the last two-is years.

My husband and I started dating right out of high school, both freshly 18 years old. He joined the military 3 years ago. So up until this summer we have been living apart in different states for 3 years. He proposed to me two and a half years ago, and we will have been married for 2 years in January. 

Anyways, I was initially supposed to move to to be with him a year ago, but due to some family emergencies, extenuating circumstances, and a bad guy feeling, I put it off.

He still came home to visit at the time we had initially planned to move me out there. A couple days before he flew home I was paying our phone bill and noticed 1 recurring number on his calls/texts that he had been talking to A LOT, I'm talking he would call me to say good night and we'd only get to talk for 10 minutes and then he'd call her and talk to her for an hour, I looked through the records and this had been going on for a few months. I was devastated my stomach dropped I felt like I wanted to puke/punch something all at the same time. 

Needless to say I called him an confronted him about it. (He has f'ed up in the past so this is not the first major issue we'd had but it was definitely the first since being married at this time for 8 months). I started my telling me that he needed to be completely honest with me, that it was not a joke, and I was fed up with BS. I asked him whose number it was and why he'd talked to this individual more than 3x as much as he'd talked to me in the past few months. 

He told me it was a girl that he'd met on det (training exercise where they travel to a different city/base) and they just became quick friends and she was easy to talk to. He compared her to his childhood best friend who is a female. I asked him if anything physical/emotional had gone on between them and he promised me no. I told him that I didn't trust the situation especially since he wasn't straight up about having this new friend. I told him I wanted no contact between them. 

The contact didn't stop and when he was in town, I picked up his new tablet, to play around with it, and when I turned it on it was open to his facebook page. 

In addition to the ungodly amount of time spent on the phone and texting they had spent A LOT of time on Facebook. My husband was napping at the time so I sat down and started to read. I wasn't even half way through when he woke up. The confrontation began. he took the tablet and deleted the messages right then and there even though I told him I wanted to read the rest. He sat there and got very stoic and told me over and over that they kissed, he realized he messed up, but that he stopped after that. To this day he hasn't admitted to more and I don't believe that kissing was all that happened.

Anyways, he begged and begged me not to give up on him and I'm a sucker and I didn't. I told him I was sick of being treated like crap and taken for granted and knowing that there are other guys out there that would appreciate me and treat me right. Again he begged so I stayed. 

I just finally moved to be with him this past summer ab 4 months ago. Things just aren't the same. He refuses to do the little things that are so important in a relationship hes always been bad about it but now its seems like I'm torturing him to even ask. I also feel like he just treats me like one of the guys. I'm very laid back and I can take care of myself but that doesn't mean I don't want to feel like my husband is willing to and wants to take care of me and protect me. anyways....

We haven't been arguing but we also don't get any quality time together, we work opposite shifts and have 2 roommates temporarily. I've been out here for a couple months and just don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore. Honestly I in the last 6 months started taking a new BC pill and I thought that may be the problem. So I was looking into quitting the BC or finding something else. Nontheless the other weekend, he had a death in his family and went home for the weekend and blatantly told me he did not want me to come. So instead I got to attend a friend's wedding without my husband and just our mutual friends/roommates. 

This was almost two weeks ago. The wedding was a blast and one friend of a friend was there by himself too, so when everyone dance we danced together. I've met him before on a couple of occasions in the past and he's once of those ppl that I'm just naturally drawn to. wierd. It was the most fun I'd had in months (my husband and I had just gone to another wedding recently too)...anyways me and this OM just had a great time together. After the wedding I couldn't get this guy out of my head. And apparently it was mutual. there was so much raw attraction/passion felt when we were just hanging out and dancing the other night where for 4 months I've been desperately trying to get even a spark between my husband and I and its seemed impossible. Honestly before two weeks ago I literally thought something was messed up hormonally because it was just not wanting to happen with my husband, so it was in a huge way a relief to feel that again. 

So last weekend we had a cook out at out house and this OM came. My roommate sent out a mass text and via this text the OM got my number. So since Saturday night he's been texting me and I know its wrong and shouldn't be happening but It's the first time I've felt anything in a long time.

I also found out that my husband when he was home two weeks ago was texting all day everyday with his "first love" a girl who he dated way back when. 

Honestly I am beyond confused and there is still so much to our circumstances. Thing were bad before I moved out here, my plan moving out here was to make it work, and if I couldn't to end things before kids or anything got involved so we could both get on with our lives. We are both young which makes me think if its not going to work why drag it out....

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know... any advice is appreciated.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Here is your advice:

I don't care if your husband slept with your sister, your mother and the mailman...you are not justified in your EA. It doesn't matter how good it feels. IT IS WRONG! You know it is wrong.

Leave him. Be the bigger person. Show him how grownups act but for the love of G-d do not become what he is. There will NEVER be any justifying that.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dump the OM now. Stop texting him, stop leading him on.

Get your act together with you marriage first - either stay or D, but ditch the OM before he gets into your pants. You know what he wants from you, don't deceive yourself. He sees an opportunity here so he is pouring on the attention hoping you'll let him have sex with you.

And from the way you've been respond to him, he thinks he has a good chance of getting into them soon.


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Your husband is a serial cheater. He doesn't deserve your respect or loyalty. Just get out and tell him there's someone else. He's going to keep doing this. Also be sure to air all the dirty laundry to the women he's trying to bang right now. ALL of it. In the meantime, youre vulnerable. You're very hurt and so you're grasping for someone to make you feel worth something again - but an EA is not it.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Even in the ideal situation , you will leave your husband for a guy who will cheat with married women. 

You married too young. neither of you two are mature enough for a long term relationship, let alone a long distance one(Your husband is much worse than you). Divorce and find a guy when you are not entangled in all this mess. You also risk on latching on to this guy for a way out of your marriage and end up in another sh!tty relationship


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yea don't cheat like skank hubby tell him mc or just d
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What is it you don't know?????????????????????

Seriously. Do you want to be told that you are doing the right thing? If so, there are other websites for that.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, you do realize the new guy is scum because he is making a play for a married woman. Not only that but he came to your house, ate the food your husband provided, and is trying to get into his wife's pants.

Do the new OM is actually in my books an even lower life form than your husband. So dump the OM as he is not an improvement in anyway.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I know its wrong and shouldn't be happening but It's the first time I've felt anything in a long time.


You know what? Coke, meth... whatever work fine also.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Don't try to justify your cheating. There is no justification. You either work on your marriage or you divorce. Quite frankly, I'd suggest divorce at this point because your husband keeps cheating and now you are cheating as well. If you actually want your marriage to work, drop the OM, NOW...and your husband needs to drop all of his OWs.


----------



## ItsTheLittleThings (Oct 4, 2012)

First of all thank you for the replies. 

I will not get angry or upset as I appreciate the honesty (why else would I post on here) 

Secondly I have already stopped talking to the OM. So that didn't even last a week. I'm not completely naive, in no way shape, or form would I have ever dreamt of leaving my husband for another guy, least of all in that situation. I know thats a recipe for trouble. For as long as we've had problems I've always told myself and my close friends that if I leave him I leave him for me. Not anyone else. 

The whole EA really was more of a reality check that right now I do not have biological issues preventing me from feeling attracted to my husband. Simply emotional and psychological.

I guess my question at this rate is does anyone's relationship ever actually recover from infidelity?

I don't want to live with doubt all my life and I sure as heck don't want to bring children into this world witnessing a failing relationship. I want my future children to see a father that treats their mother like a queen and a mother who treats her husband likewise....

How do you get past the resentment felt after being cheated on?

Because I think that may be the big issue with the attraction. Deep down I feel like I may resent him because after all I gave and committed, I wasn't enough. What made that girl worth it?

I truly feel like if he had gotten drunk and slipped up it would be so much easier, but months of talking to that girl more than he spoke to his wife? the words I read that are forever ingrained in my mind. Those are whats the hardest to get over, not the physical aspect...

How does one TRULY forgive with all your heart, mid, and soul in order to get past this. I need my entire conscious being to forgive in order to make this even close to possible to work out...but how?


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Forgiving isn't like baking a cake, there isn't a recipe. I think that every couple is unique.

I also believe that the work involved in recovering after infidelity has bit your marriage in the ass is HUGE. So huge that most can't see it through and I think that applies to both the BS and the WS.

Add to the norm addiction, personality disorders, childhood abuse issues and the such and the chances of healing after infidelity may be as likely as hitting the lottery. Hell, I don't know.

I do know this though. The more time that passes since my pos husband decided to tap his best friend's fiance...I have more clarity. The fear is diminishing and I am starting to realize that the most fvcked up person in my marriage may very well be me for allowing myself to be treated so poorly for so very long. As horrible as all that sounds, figuring all that out is a good thing.

Another thing I am totally sure of...if I had no kids involved...POOF!


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ItsTheLittleThings said:


> First of all thank you for the replies.
> 
> I will not get angry or upset as I appreciate the honesty (why else would I post on here)
> 
> ...


Your H is not marriage material. he will keep on lying and cheating as long as he can. Serial cheater. I don't think he will change either unless he has big epiphany(which I doubt). and don't have kids with him.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried either talking to a counselor or reading a book about surviving infidelity?

I'd suggest first do some reading to educate yourself. It will save time if you do go see a counselor since they'll cover a lot of the material in the books.

People do recover, but it takes both sides being willing to work on it. Both of you need to become fully open and transparent to one another - this includes full open access to each others email, FB, phone, texts always. Marriages do not have secrets, and privacy is for going to the bathroom - not having secret conversations with other people.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Random thoughts...

Getting attacked is pretty status quo when you come into a place filled with people who have been betrayed, and destroyed by people that used the exact same words and fluff you were saying in your original post. You'll see if you stick around, your post was littered with the common 'cheater tongue' cliches. After reading your second reply, I don't know that you were justifying your extra martial relationship.. You likely thought you were explaining it. But you were certainly minimizing it, to us and more importantly to yourself...

But at any rate, getting a eSlap across the face serves its purpose... and as others have clearly pointed out, there is no justification for it. If you decide to try to see things in a grey area, it will destroy the most important qualities you have. You take for granted as a young adult the long term impact of these decisions on your character, and your integrity. No doubt, it's internally justified as 'his fault' and a result of what he has done to you.... It's not mama, these are decision you are making. The circumstances don't matter and the impact on who you are as a person will become evident the longer stray into 'the grey'. It's simple and it is black and white, your cheating your your husband. You are _that_ women... Anyway enough preaching....

So, the long and short.... I'll try to keep it brief and simple...

Cinderella, fantasy romance, soulmates, and all the fluff that's been cramed into your head all your life... It's not real mama. For moments, and hopefully for some sustained periods in your life you will feel those things, it will be wonderful... but the nature of what we are as human beings dictates those 'highs' can not be maintained... It's all chemicals in your brain. That becomes complicated... Research away if your intrigued by the statement...

But when these feelings fade or swing what your left with are the qualities of your character... those qualities alone will determine the longterm success of your relationships... 

Clearly, your husband does not have them. I'm sorry. I'm no fortune teller and obviously I don't know you, him or anything about your individual histories... but... This marriage is doomed. I'd give it zero chance of being a lasting, fulfilling, and happy lifelong union. Here I go getting to wordy... anyway... Your a kid, he's an even bigger kid... You got swept up, you gave it a shot.. likely ill equipt for what it really takes... Even in the best of circumstances with healthy, balanced and commited adults.. marriages take incredible amounts of work and going in the statistics are against you... 

Ok... So...

fortune cookie answer that I think you already know...

Get out little one. This is not _your_ destiny.


----------



## ItsTheLittleThings (Oct 4, 2012)

"I do know this though. The more time that passes since my pos husband decided to tap his best friend's fiance...I have more clarity. The fear is diminishing and I am starting to realize that the most fvcked up person in my marriage may very well be me for allowing myself to be treated so poorly for so very long. As horrible as all that sounds, figuring all that out is a good thing."

Falene: I can very much relate to feeling that way. Thank you.

Pit-of-my-stomach: I do not want justification for what I did, I know its wrong and that's why I went no cantact. I'm also not naive to endorphins, dopamine, and seratonin levels. By no mean when I say " a husband that treats me like a queen" do I mean fairy tale princess. That's simply the phrase my mom always used when talking about the right kind of guy. I know that regardless of the circumstance nothing is ever perfect. But like many have stated elsewhere on this website, there should be a mutual desire to make your SO happy. And in doing so you yourself becomes happy. I feel that I have always gone above and beyond to do so, thus putting all of my needs, interests, etc on the back burner, but he doesn't. He is a self-serving kind of guy 99% of the time. Every once in a very rare blue moon do I feel like he puts me first or even in the top 3. And unfortunately that mean I have not only put myself on the back burner but he has as well. 
Anyway, I appreciate your statements and they do indeed hold a lot of truth to them. And you're right, I think I read that fortune cookie a long time ago but didn't want to believe it.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

ItsTheLittleThings said:


> Pit-of-my-stomach: I do not want justification for what I did, I know its wrong and that's why I went no cantact. I'm also not naive to endorphins, dopamine, and seratonin levels. By no mean when I say " a husband that treats me like a queen" do I mean fairy tale princess. That's simply the phrase my mom always used when talking about the right kind of guy. I know that regardless of the circumstance nothing is ever perfect. But like many have stated elsewhere on this website, there should be a mutual desire to make your SO happy. And in doing so you yourself becomes happy. I feel that I have always gone above and beyond to do so, thus putting all of my needs, interests, etc on the back burner, but he doesn't. He is a self-serving kind of guy 99% of the time. Every once in a very rare blue moon do I feel like he puts me first or even in the top 3. And unfortunately that mean I have not only put myself on the back burner but he has as well.
> Anyway, I appreciate your statements and they do indeed hold a lot of truth to them. And you're right, I think I read that fortune cookie a long time ago but didn't want to believe it.


Sorry. My perspective wasn't intended to be offensive, or presumptious. The statements I made were generalized in regard to what you _likely_ think, believe or who you are as a person... I don't know you, no one can in a couple of paragraphs... Thanks for clarifying some additional thoughts. You sound as if you are self aware, intelligent and mature enough to face the unfortunate reality of your situation. 

It sounds like your probably coming to grips with the fact that it might be time to cut your losses and move on. Actually, It's likely the wisest decision while there is minimal collateral damage (kids, homes, etc, etc). 

What you do is your decision, whatever that may be... Do yourself and you H a favor, make your decision and commit to it 100%. Trust me, nothing is more cruel to everyone involved than 'limbo'. 

Best regards, Good luck.

PS. Just call me Pit.


----------

