# My Son Very Troubled



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Hello all,

I haven't posted here for a while. The last time I posted, I had moved from my divorce very quickly into a relationship with an unstable woman. I found out later that her instability resulted from a hidden alcohol problem. 

I broke up with her. I've dated a little bit, but nothing has gotten serious since then. In the future I'm only gonna get serious with someone if I sense they're (1) Stable and good for me, and (2) Stable and good for my son to meet. THANK GOD I never introduced him to the alcoholic.

Since the divorce, my ex has also met a new guy and very quickly introduced him into my son's life. I've expressed my concern, but my concerns don't faze my ex any more now that she's my ex than they did when we were married. He seems like a genuinely nice guy; I wonder if he knows what he's getting into with my ex, but I don't sense any red flags with him. I've met him a couple of times and he seems like a nice enough guy.

I'm also regularly seeing a counselor to help me keep my own head on straight. I've done a lot of work with Codependents Anonymous and Adult Children of Aloholics, in addition to seeing my own therapist. So I'm working on helping ME get better. That may not be much, but it's what I can do.....

My concern is with my son. During the days of the separation and early divorce, he used to grieve the loss of his two-parent home. He used to tell me that his life was perfect when I lived "at home" and he said he wanted to try to "force" his momma and me to get back together. I would listen and empathize, but tell him that I had to move out because his momma and me would "fuss" a lot (mainly her raging at me), and I didn't want to be involved with "fussing" in front of him. He told me once it was OK, that he'd just "go hide in the closet" if the fussing started if I would just move back home. It broke my heart. I told him that I wasn't going to move back home but it still broke my heart.

He's had an increasing level of anxiety. Those of you who know my previous threads know there was a lot of paranoia in our house; I got accused of bugging the phones. I got falsely accused of child abuse. I got accused of affairs I didn't have. I was called a bad parent because I wouldn't drop everything and buy a survival ranch in Idaho to avoid the coming economic apocalypse. I mention all this to say that a lot of the last years of my marriage ****I**** was anxious. I don't know how much of my son's anxiety is from genetics and how much from the environment in which he grew up until the last couple of years.

A few months ago, my ex went outside to do some yardwork. My son became convinced she had died in the yard because he couldn't see her out the window. He basically melted down, turning off all the lights in the house to save electricity because he didn't know how he'd pay the electric bill with her dead. When she came back in, he was in tears standing in front of the pantry, mentally inventorying the food situation to see how long he could survive on what food was left. It was devastating for me to hear that. 

His pediatrician had been recommedning we consider Zoloft for a while. I resisted at first, but after the meltdown with my ex "dying," I knew something drastic was needed. So I gave my approval to start him on Zoloft.

At first, he responded very well. He suddenly became more playful, even asking to go outside (he had become so paranoid, he was afraid the neighbors were out to get him so he'd stay in all the time). He became happy and playful, like a 7-year old should.

But also impulsive. In September, I took him on a trip to Washington, DC. He jumped feet first into the reflecting pool at the Lincoln Memorial. He tried to climb over a retaining wall on the Potomac River. Even after I repeatedly warned him about traffic and the tight confines of DC sidewalks, he actually lunged at a tour bus as I pulled him back, laughing all the time and saying (in a laughing voice): "Daddy, I just wanted to scare you and make you think I wanted to die!"

He also would trash my apartment. I'd put him in time out for drawing on my walls, and he'd jump up and run around saying, "Catch me if you can." I physically held him in his time out chair and he reached forward with his mouth and bit a tuft of my hair with his mouth and actually yanked it out of my head! I started holding him from behind and he jerked his head back into mine, damn near breaking my nose.

A couple of weeks ago, he started one of his destructive fits. He poured a can of Coke all over my kitchen. He started ripping my vertical blinds off my sliding glass doors. He was literally tearing up anything he could get his hands on. In exasperation, I finally told him I was taking him home to his mother. I suspect he doesn't act like that with her, and I was at my wits' end. When I told him he was going back to his mother, he broke down in tears.

He told me wanted to stay with me. That he liked my apartment. I told him you don't destroy something you like. He became very upset and said that I must hate him. He said I must want him dead. He said he was going to kill himself. He went out on my 2nd floor balcony and had both his little legs over the railing before I pulled him back in.

I took him to our local Children's Hospital Emergency Room and told them he was experiencing suicidal ideation. They evalutated him and recommended admission (which to my shame, I must say I declined. I wish I could go back and revisit that decision). They said he wasn't enough of a danger to himself that they were going to REQUIRE admission, but they were concerned enough that they recommended it. By the time we waited six hours in an urban hospital emergency room on a Sunday night, he said to me, "I really wish I hadn't made that choice...." He was pleasant and generally cheerful and well behaved at the hospital.

In consultation with my own therapist and my son's, I have informed my ex-wife that my son is not welcome back at my place until he learns to behave better. I'll take him out to eat, I'll take him to museums. But I've put her on notice that if he gets out of control again, I'm bringing him back to her. Not because I think she's a better parent. But because apparently, he doesn't go completely nuts with her like that. My son is going to have to EARN being at my apartment (which he says he loves) by proving that he can behave like he's seven. We've set up a graduated series of visits to help him prove he can behave reasonably when he's with me.

He told his therapist that when he's with me, he feels like he has a silly monster in his head telling him, "Be silly! Be goofy! Act wild!" He claims the monster doesn't talk to him with his mother.

I'm at a complete loss as to what else to do. I scheduled him to see a child psychiatrist locally, but there's no availablility until after Thanksgiving. 

I sometimes wonder if maybe I drove my son to consider suicide. Maybe me leaving the home drove him to this.

The other day during my visitation time, he said his mother told him not to threaten to kill himself with me any more or else I'd make him go back to the hospital. He said he didn't know why I took him to the hospital because "nothing was really wrong with me." I'm guessing he's heard that from her, but I don't know.

I did ask the Social Worker at Children's that night if I overreacted. She said, "Remember....I did recommend admission and you declined. So no, you didn't overreact....."

If he's got voices in his head with me, I wonder if I'm even doing any good in his life. Honestly, for his best interest I've been wondering lately if I need to let her move to Kansas (where the rest of her family and her boyfriend live).. Perhaps I could have more meaningful visits with him if I only see him on major holidays and summer break. Because right now, I'm not sure I'm doing much good. What kind of father causes his son to hear voices in his head and makes his child seriously contemplate suicide?

Just when I think I'm making progress at figuring out my own codependence, I realize I'm more messed up than I realize.

Sigh.....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't think anyone here is qualified to give advice about this, but I wanted to express how sorry I am to hear this!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow. Very scary! Honestly though, it really makes me wonder just WHAT in the world his mother is telling him when he is with her! You said that she told him not to threaten suicide or YOU would make him go to the hospital again...she is vilifying you to him! She should have stated things in a united kind of way, so that he knows that BOTH of you are invested in his well being, and if he IS just acting out, that you BOTH will not tolerate that. 

He needs serious help. Oh and get him OFF of the Zoloft! SSRI's can cause suicidal tendencies in young kids! Discuss another kind of antidepressant with his doctor. (he would need to wean off of the Zoloft, don't stop it abruptly)


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I have no advice nor words. I am so sorry. This is a very difficult situation.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

I'll meet with the psychologist next Thursday to get her report. My son is also scheduled to see a psychiatrist after Thanksgiving, which is sadly the only they can get him in. Today he told me the only reason he trashed my apartment was because he was angry about a time I yelled at him in Washington. I did yell in a very harsh way once, but it was because he had run away from me as I was loading luggage in my car and he was about about 100 yards away from me and still ruining when I bellowed out fear that he was going to get hit by a car or something. I didn't know what else to do to get him to come back to me. I told him that being angry with me was ok, but trashing my apartment was not. I got the distinct impression he was trying to mitigate his role in the fiasco by bringing up something I had done. As we were having the conversation, I started to feel mentally fuzzy the way I used to feel when trying to have an adult conversation with his mother. It was almost like was saying that since I wasn't always a perfect Daddy, he could do whatever he wanted. Which is obviously not true, but I used to find myself always on the defensive with her as well. Either I'm failing to every my leadership as his father, or he's learning how to manipulate me by watching her. I'm not sure which, bit it was very disconcerting.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My bet is that your son is acting out trying to force the situation to get you to move back with your wife. On top of that, it sounds like he's developing some serious mental illness issues.

Since he had a melt down while at his mothers.. the one where he thought she had died, I think that it's not just at your place where he has problems. I'll bet that a lot goes on there that she does not tell you about.

Telling him that he cannot come stay with you is, I think, going to cause him even more harm. From his point of view, it probably looks like you don't love him. First him left your wife. Then you dumped him.

Does he feel unheard? Has he been able to just sit down and talk and talk until his hurt is out of his system. AT his age, play therapy might help. He seems to be able to express things but I'm not sure that he actually expressing the deepest feelings. He might feel it's safer to thread to kill himself then to let out what is really inside of him. At 7 years old, a kid usually acts out their feelings, they just do not have the words yet. That's where play therapy helps.

Sadly, a solution here is not clear. I agree with others that we just do not have the expertise here to help much except to give you moral support. 

You seem to have professionals involved and are doing a lot of the right things.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sending hugs. This is out of my bailiwick of experience, but it sure sounds like way more than reactive behavior to the divorce.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Gentle consistency, until you can get him in to see professionals. It sounds like the medication to deal with his anxiety has turned his behaviour into impulsivity, which isn't any better.

He sounds like a deeply troubled boy, who has a deeply troubled mother.

I do not think he's hearing voices only at one home. Either he's making up that he hears them at all, or he's dealing with it in a different way while at his mother's home.

I would go back to having him at your house, because you do not want to send the message that he is not welcome there. He is always welcome at HIS own home with you, right? If he trashes something, you hand down consequences that involve staying there with you, like having to clean it up, or do chores to earn money to help fix it.

If his main focus is to get his parents back together (not uncommon for small children of divorce) and he has his mother whispering in his ear that it's your fault for leaving, then he's focused on tantruming to get YOU to change your mind and move back. He doesn't need to misbehave with his mother.

He can't learn to control his behaviour if you don't teach him how to behave. He can't learn that with you if you keep sending him back to his mom's. All that teaches him is that you don't care about him when he needs your help the most. He won't feel safe with you when all you do is reject him.

I know your therapists advised sending him back to his mom, but I wonder if that's giving him the message that you are a secondary parent. Certainly, don't send him away with his mom and only see him on holidays. Then he'll REALLY feel rejected.

Personally, I think the solution is MORE time with him. Have you thought that a big reason for him wanting you to move back with your ex would be that he'd get more time with you?


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