# Moving on or let time pass



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Hi! Just need some encouragement/advise from others...

My H and I have been separated since December (we live in different houses), we have been married for 2 years, together 17 and we have 3 kids. 

For the last year before our separation, I suffered from depression and anxiety to the point where I just abandoned myself. I felt everything was depending on me and I turned to alcohol in order to release the emotions. When I drank I was super hurtful to my family and husband. I just wasn’t myself and emotionally I couldn’t listen to anyone trying to help. I didn’t seek help and it was very difficult. Everything took a toll in our relationship and we had a huge argument in December where I broke his heart and since he does not live in the house.

The following months after separation were difficult since I am taking care of myself (trying to deal emotionally), taking care of the kids and dealing with separation. I tried everything in order to make him come back, understand and make him see that I am seeking help and is willing to change and deal with everything. However, our only communication was related to the kids.

Due to COVID, he started to come to help with the kids since I work remotely and the kids have remote classes. We started to talk more and started having a good time laughing. The communication got so much better to the point that we started being intimate since May with no talking about the relationship. I must admit that my hope level increased since this happened. 

Yesterday, I asked how he felt about what was happening and we started talking about things that happened in our relationship. I listened to his points. However, his response was that we are friends, that he is attracted to me, that he cares about me but does not see us as a couple anymore. Mainly he is not in love with me but loves me.

I started asking myself, why does he not want to give us another chance? What else can I do to make him love me as his wife not friend? Does he truly mean what is he saying? I know I cannot change what he is feeling but I feel sad. I truly hoped that something was happening in our relationship. 

What are you thoughts? Would you move on? Or wait? Will you continue to have sex?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is he seeing someone?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I certainly wouldn't have sex if he has no intention of coming back. Do you know if he is thinking of divorce? 

Just a question, you say that you broke hs heart, what did you do/say?


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Is he seeing someone?


He told me no so..


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I certainly wouldn't have sex if he has no intention of coming back. Do you know if he is thinking of divorce?
> 
> Just a question, you say that you broke hs heart, what did you do/say?


I treated him super bad and during the argument I said some hurtful things (I was drinking that day so so bad) That was his breaking point


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

pr-beach said:


> I treated him super bad and during the argument I said some hurtful things (I was drinking that day so so bad) That was his breaking point


Have you already, or are you willing, to stop drinking 100%? Not cut back, not drink responsibly, but quite drinking altogether? That might be the only thing that can save your marriage. People who become a different person when drinking... people who know that happens... who have a lot on the line... and keep drinking... they have a problem, a problem that everyone else but them recognizes. Your husband recognizes this. He might also recognize your not just effort but success at becoming 100% sober as being what it takes to get back in the marriage.

Maybe? But would you be willing to do this?


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He said he doesn't want to get back into a relationship with you. He is telling you that he feels friendship only (but he has the option of sex, so why not). What do you need to do right now? Figure out what it means for you to fully accept what he's saying. Let it sink in, don't twist it to be what you want it to be. Once it sinks in, you need to think about what you want. Do you want to have sex with him knowing it's just friendship? Do you want to invest your time and energy into a one-sided relationship? How else could you invest your time/energy/focus? Is having someone else in your life going to help you at this point? Note that you had someone in your life when you felt depressed and anxious and it didn't help you, so a partner is not a fix all solution, however everyone is different and the best way forward for them might not be the best way forward for you.

The way to figure out the best way forward for you is to accept what he has told you, then figure out where you want to be 1/5/10/50 years from now without him in the picture as your partner. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Maybe it's time to look forward instead of backward.


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Have you already, or are you willing, to stop drinking 100%? Not cut back, not drink responsibly, but quite drinking altogether? That might be the only thing that can save your marriage. People who become a different person when drinking... people who know that happens... who have a lot on the line... and keep drinking... they have a problem, a problem that everyone else but them recognizes. Your husband recognizes this. He might also recognize your not just effort but success at becoming 100% sober as being what it takes to get back in the marriage.
> 
> Maybe? But would you be willing to do this?





Casual Observer said:


> Have you already, or are you willing, to stop drinking 100%? Not cut back, not drink responsibly, but quite drinking altogether? That might be the only thing that can save your marriage. People who become a different person when drinking... people who know that happens... who have a lot on the line... and keep drinking... they have a problem, a problem that everyone else but them recognizes. Your husband recognizes this. He might also recognize your not just effort but success at becoming 100% sober as being what it takes to get back in the marriage.
> 
> Maybe? But would you be willing to do this?


Yes, I would!


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

AliceA said:


> He said he doesn't want to get back into a relationship with you. He is telling you that he feels friendship only (but he has the option of sex, so why not). What do you need to do right now? Figure out what it means for you to fully accept what he's saying. Let it sink in, don't twist it to be what you want it to be. Once it sinks in, you need to think about what you want. Do you want to have sex with him knowing it's just friendship? Do you want to invest your time and energy into a one-sided relationship? How else could you invest your time/energy/focus? Is having someone else in your life going to help you at this point? Note that you had someone in your life when you felt depressed and anxious and it didn't help you, so a partner is not a fix all solution, however everyone is different and the best way forward for them might not be the best way forward for you.
> 
> The way to figure out the best way forward for you is to accept what he has told you, then figure out where you want to be 1/5/10/50 years from now without him in the picture as your partner. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Maybe it's time to look forward instead of backward.


Yes, I would have to think about what I want. and accept the situation. Thank you.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Are you actually still drinking?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I will toss in some hope.

He said he lost that _deep love_ for you.
I, I00% believe that.

Love goes, love sometimes returns.
Sometimes.

His deep love for you can return if you change for the better. You must prove it, over and over, day after day.

Make him feel loved and needed.

On the sex?

Men show their love 'primarily' through intimacy. If he really despised you he would NOT touch you.

If you cut him off, as others have said, he will eventually seek it elsewhere. The urge is there and it will not go away.

This next year will be a gamble.

If you really want him back, and if you have not cheated on him with another person, give it a good go.

Take him to heart, take him to bed, and eff his ears off.

You have more time in your life.
Use it politely, wisely, and passionately.

Bite your tongue when you feel upset about most things

No more alcohol drinking, not a drop.

Men are often more forgiving.


_Lilith-_


----------



## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

I'm going through a similar situation. No substance abuse, but my wife no longer loves me, although I still love her. . Second marriage for both, we each have kids, but none together. She wants to remain friends and have sex. I think you're wise to hold onto hope, BUT don't let it overwhelm you. I would suggest two things. 

First, stop the drinking completely. I would even go to counseling or enroll in AAA. That may seem drastic, but your husband need to see you are changing and actions speak louder than words. Telling him you stopped drinking means nothing. But if he knows you are seeking professional help, that's a completely different thing. But the change has to be sincere. Don't do it to impress him just to try and win him back. He will see right though that. 

Second, I would act as if you are going on with your life without him. And make sure he sees that. No begging for him to come back and definitely don't tell him you love him. Trust me, he knows that. Your hope is that he will think you are moving on as well and begin to question why and how since you love him so much. Again, this shows real change on your part, which is what he needs to see. The "getting on with your life" is the basic part 180 from Divorce Busters. You can Google it if you're not familiar

As for the sex, I've read some "experts" say having sex with a detached spouse isn't a good idea. It can mess up the needy spouse, who really should completely detach. But others say love starts with a physical connection. Makes sense... think back to how it was when you met. You didn't love each other, but you sure as heck lusted each other. So sex now might re-ignite the relationship. Thin line though since at some point you need to start the healing process.

I'm doing the 180 to an extent... being there for my STBX whenever she calls or texts..being friendly to her, but also keeping any talk of love and wanting her back out of the conversation. And when she wants sex, sure I'm game. I have needs too. But I'm not needy. I'm moving on with my life and she knows it. The only thing I told her was I have no plans to date, which is true. 

Good luck and let me know if you have any questions!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

An IC would be good, AA may be bad.

AA isn't all its touted to be and is in no way the best route to support, in this day and age.

Spend time with SO as you like, if you two enjoy each others company.

Do the IC for yourself. 

Good luck!


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> I will toss in some hope.
> 
> He said he lost that _deep love_ for you.
> I, I00% believe that.
> ...


Thank you for the hope words!


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> I'm going through a similar situation. No substance abuse, but my wife no longer loves me, although I still love her. . Second marriage for both, we each have kids, but none together. She wants to remain friends and have sex. I think you're wise to hold onto hope, BUT don't let it overwhelm you. I would suggest two things.
> 
> First, stop the drinking completely. I would even go to counseling or enroll in AAA. That may seem drastic, but your husband need to see you are changing and actions speak louder than words. Telling him you stopped drinking means nothing. But if he knows you are seeking professional help, that's a completely different thing. But the change has to be sincere. Don't do it to impress him just to try and win him back. He will see right though that.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice! Will look into Divorce Busters!


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> An IC would be good, AA may be bad.
> 
> AA isn't all its touted to be and is in no way the best route to support, in this day and age.
> 
> ...


Thanks! For IC, what does it means?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Individual Counseling (IC)

Hang in there!


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

IC = Individual Counseling
MC - Marriage Counseling


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Individual Counseling (IC)
> 
> Hang in there!


Yes, I am doing counseling for my self! Hanging in there! Thanks!


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> IC = Individual Counseling
> MC - Marriage Counseling


Thank you!


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

pr-beach said:


> Yes, I would!


Should not be yes i would. It should be yes i did! You should have already quit. What were these hurtful were these things? How bad?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Should not be yes i would. It should be yes i did! You should have already quit. What were these hurtful were these things? How bad?


She may not even know. What she does know may not be the full extent of it. My wife doesn't drink and she can completely blank out on some of the terrible things she's said, without help. When you go down that hole, when you start lashing out, it can sometimes be such a different person than you think you are, that you don't have a meaningful way to respond to the pain you've caused your partner. Leaving your partner just totally dumbstruck and not recognizing that their partner has a built-in protection mechanism that doesn't allow them to believe they could have been so bad, so biting, so terrible.

But of course the partner who wasn't drinking, who wasn't lashing out, that partner remembers every single word that sliced through his or her heart. It is a shocking thing to be on the receiving end of. You just can't believe your partner doesn't understand the magnitude of what they said and did. And you think that their lack of remembrance means they aren't being sincere about wanting to change.


----------



## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> She may not even know. What she does know may not be the full extent of it. My wife doesn't drink and she can completely blank out on some of the terrible things she's said, without help. When you go down that hole, when you start lashing out, it can sometimes be such a different person than you think you are, that you don't have a meaningful way to respond to the pain you've caused your partner. Leaving your partner just totally dumbstruck and not recognizing that their partner has a built-in protection mechanism that doesn't allow them to believe they could have been so bad, so biting, so terrible.
> 
> But of course the partner who wasn't drinking, who wasn't lashing out, that partner remembers every single word that sliced through his or her heart. It is a shocking thing to be on the receiving end of. You just can't believe your partner doesn't understand the magnitude of what they said and did. And you think that their lack of remembrance means they aren't being sincere about wanting to change.


I have to say I agree with this statement. Most of the things I’ve said, I truly do not remember. When we talked about it during separation, I just could not believe that I said that. It was really eye opening the person I was when I drank.

Regarding the drinking, it has been 2 months since I had a drink or anything alcohol related because I truly want to change for me and my kids. So, I am work in progress jeje


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

pr-beach said:


> I have to say I agree with this statement. Most of the things I’ve said, I truly do not remember. When we talked about it during separation, I just could not believe that I said that. It was really eye opening the person I was when I drank.
> 
> Regarding the drinking, it has been 2 months since I had a drink or anything alcohol related because I truly want to change for me and my kids. So, I am work in progress jeje


I do not have personal experience with drinking. I have maybe 4-6 alcoholic drinks/year. Point being, I'm not normal; I can't relate to being drunk or seeing a strong appeal to drinking. Yet I don't think there's a clearer statement you make can to your husband and family than a resolve to an awareness that drinking turns you into a person you don't want to be, and a resolve to simply not drink ever again. It will not seem fair at times. Others can drink without issues. Why not you. 

But if you hadn't said the things you've said over the years, while under the influence, would you marriage be in a different place? That would seem to present a choice. Drinking or your family & marriage. 

2 months since a drink is a remarkable accomplishment. Is it worth making permanent? Also relevant at this point to ask, have you been down this same road before, so that, from your husband's standpoint, there might be a track record of failure? I hate to ask stuff like this. It's terrible. I'm a complete stranger with no personal experience with drinking. And I'm giving you advice. I really want things to work out for you, not just because I'm empathetic, but also because it gives me hope for issues in my own marriage. So, please, do what you can... for me.


----------



## Acosarecsta (Aug 22, 2020)

pr-beach said:


> Hi! Just need some encouragement/advise from others...
> 
> My H and I have been separated since December (we live in different houses), we have been married for 2 years, together 17 and we have 3 kids.
> 
> ...


Others thoughts do not matter.... you two are one together, you have 19 years together, seek a good therapist to mediate the conversation and get forgiveness for each other. Keep together for the children, talk about the sex with each other? And the therapist in the middle once they understand.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

pr-beach said:


> I have to say I agree with this statement. Most of the things I’ve said, I truly do not remember. When we talked about it during separation, I just could not believe that I said that. *It was really eye opening the person I was when I drank.*
> 
> Regarding the drinking, it has been 2 months since I had a drink or anything alcohol related because I truly want to change for me and my kids. So, I am work in progress jeje


The thing is, you don't become that person when you're drunk. All drinking does is remove inhibitions - that's the real you coming out. Hopefully in IC you can dig deep and find out why you're so angry and bitter toward your husband.

Well done on the two months of no drinking - that's a BIG achievement.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

frusdil said:


> The thing is, you don't become that person when you're drunk. All drinking does is remove inhibitions - that's the real you coming out.


I don't quite agree with this. Alcohol is a mind-altering drug, so it's not you. Your words and actions are mediated through the drug, so it's not just a matter of removing your inhibitions. Alcohol changes the chemistry in your brain. I've had my spell of heavy alcohol consumption and I can tell you I am a completely different person when I'm not drinking. It's frightening how different you can be.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frusdil said:


> "The thing is, you don't become that person when you're drunk. All drinking does is remove inhibitions - that's the real you coming out."
> 
> May be something hubby realizes also.
> 
> ...


----------

