# Husband having "emotional affair" with female co-worker



## zoborequ1 (Oct 16, 2013)

This is my first time ever on a forum so please bare with me. I have been married for 11 years and together for 17years. We started dating in high school and have been together ever since. Wh have 3 young children. Live in a small mining community and both work. We have had issues probably most of relationship when I think back. We have always both been very passionate, stubborn and fiery. But in the last 12 months especially it has been very rough. My natural coping mechanism is to retreat into myself which I am guilty of doing. He is a naturally very sexual and affectionate person. I am the exact opposite. Reading up in then go last few days we both believe that he may have narcissistic tendencies. Not all, but quite a few. I started to become suspicious of a female co-worked in January when we had friends over for a BBQ. this woman was overtly flirtatious with my husband and he was quite happy to receive and give it back. Also very drunk at the time. I was furious and embarrassed for his behaviour and told him the next day to stay away from her, I think she is trouble. We continued on a Rocky road where he had also retreated more and more. We weren't having much sex, if any. There had been rumours flying around about my husband and this woman that they would meet up at footy games, flirt, touch etc. and I had witnessed her intentions and his on another occasion early May. We separated for a few weeks in the June after my husband lost it in a drunken rage one night. And then he has since admitted that hug and this woman had been back and forth flirting, text messages (he deletes) emails (he deletes), riding to work together and more footy games. He continued to defy me even though I confronted him about the woman and he just denied everything and said he didn't know why he still stayed close with this woman despite my demands and his promises not to. He admitted during this separation that he had been unfaithful once (6 years ago) with a prostitute. Stating it was horrible and he didn't know why he did it. So me old excuses I hear often. I have now been informed of way more information in regards to relationship with woman involving him walking her home from a footy game, having a drink inside when he asked "where is this going, do you want something to happen?" Of which they both agreed!! And kissed!!! He only admitted this after a friend informed me. He has continued up until a couple of weeks ago with sexy text messages etc to her and vice versa. I took him to the woman's house immediately and confronted her, she denied ANYTHING! Despite him saying that I have already told her and the cats out of they go bag so to speak. I am gutted!!!! I love my husband but he has been so sneaky, deceitful and hurtful........ He is now attending counselling (starts today) and a psychologist (starts tomorrow) of his own volition. He has also defriended her from FB and taken her contact details out of his phone. He appears genuinely remorseful but, I just don't know. Need advice? Do you think there's any hope? Do you think I am being naive and there is more to the story? What did. I do wrong? Because in the he last couple of months since separation we have been so happy, sex is great, talking, laughing...... Ad now I am blindsided by this AGAIN!!! Help!!!!!!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sorry you are in this position with your marriage. But based on the details you gave , you husband does seem to have some issues.

About the affair with that woman , chances are high that it was physical ( sex) because of the trickle truth , and adults don't usually 
" just kiss " when they're alone and passion is high.

However it seems that he's taking advantage of you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Zoberequ, I have been thru this 3 times with my husband. You took all the right steps to get your husband's attention to make him aware of what he is doing and that you know, the very best thing you could have done. I do hope you husband learns something in counseling. Was this something her decided or you asked him to do? Are you going together or separate? My suggestion is that you get counseling together. Perhaps he then can actually hear how hurtful all his activities with this women effected you. My husband for whatever reason just could not seem to hear me when I told him how I felt until we went to counseling together.

My husband denied the situations for years but they played out right before my eyes, I am not blind! When he did admit he minimized them continually. This was the man that suspected his first wife might be seeing another man and locked her out of the house and divorced her without knowing for sure but claimed his doings were innocent.

Right now is your opportunity to place a boundary line on his behavior. The last time this happened with my husband I told him if it happened one more time I would be gone.

Does your husband work with this lady?

If they are determined to carry this any further, save yourself and get out. The emotional torture we go thru in dealing with these situations is ever bit as bad as a sexual affair. You have to take care of yourself and deal with your own emotions. I wish you the best!


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## zoborequ1 (Oct 16, 2013)

Thank you both so much for your feedback and insight. I am so raw from these recent events I am just not thinking clearly at all. So it is very much appreciated to gauge others perspectives at this time. I too am very suspicious that it was "only a kiss" because I do know my husband well enough that he certainly would not be able to pull back when passions run high. And being that I only get information affirmed when I have presented it to m and he is essentially "busted", leaves me very distrusting. We attended counselling together today and hbt was somewhat helpful and he will visit a psychologist by himself tomorrow to start working on his underlying issues. I want to be strong for myself and my children but don't want to be continually taken advantage of and played for a fool. I don't deserve that. He does work with this woman. This woman is also having relationships/interludes/dealings with other married men at work as well. In short, she really is a piece of work. How should I set the boundaries for him without controlling him? He is the sort of man (obviously) who if he is told succinctly not to do something..... Will go out of his way to do it. And, is he just acting remorseful or does he genuinely feel like an arse for what he has done. He has repeatedly said to me he doesn't feel it was a sexual thing but more he enjoyed the attention from this woman.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Zoborequ1, have you read much of the information in the coping with infidelity (CWI) section?

I suggest you have a look in there, and see if you can gain any insight into how to become stronger and not allow your H to continue to play you for a fool.

All the best, it is not an easy road to walk, with a serial cheating spouse.


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