# Sexless Marriage



## Lifes Short (Apr 24, 2020)

I got married 3 years ago.. sex was often and great. Got married and have had sex 5 times in 3 years. I’ve talked to my husband.. I’m always the one that has to initiate. I’m tired of being the one so told him it’s up to him.. now look 5 times in 3 years! He’s affectionate everyday outside the bedroom but has no interest. I’ve gained weight could that be it I ask myself? It’s putting a toll on our marriage but I don’t think he sees it!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I seriously doubt your weight gain has anything to do with it. 

If I understand you, you are saying sex was often and great before marriage, and after marriage he lost interest?


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## Lifes Short (Apr 24, 2020)

TJW said:


> I seriously doubt your weight gain has anything to do with it.
> 
> If I understand you, you are saying sex was often and great before marriage, and after marriage he lost interest?


Yes! But I’ve always had to be the one to initiate! He talks about it especially when others are around like he’s so active.. not! Can’t imagine a marriage lasting like this?!


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

Maybe he has low testosterone levels? That could explain the inability to initiate sex. So, that might be a place to start. 

Could be that he just doesn't doesn't know how to intiate it. How that's even possible, with sex becoming more and more prevalent. But still, could be he's insecure about how to do it to turn you on.

But it really sounds like you need to have a 'coming to Jesus' meeting with him. Find out what he wants sexually, what are his expectations from the marriage in general. 

Does he masterbate? Does he look at porn? These things are items to investigate as well.


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## Lifes Short (Apr 24, 2020)

Cazmodius said:


> Maybe he has low testosterone levels? That could explain the inability to initiate sex. So, that might be a place to start.
> 
> Could be that he just doesn't doesn't know how to intiate it. How that's even possible, with sex becoming more and more prevalent. But still, could be he's insecure about how to do it to turn you on.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I think we’re going to have another serious talk! He use to look at porn and that’s when we had sex! Sad.. I put a stop to it and now we don’t! I think he masterbates and that’s why he’s not interested? He talks very sexual to me and around people but doesn’t act on it later.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How much weight? Did you get morbidly obese?


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

Lifes Short said:


> Thank you! I think we’re going to have another serious talk! He use to look at porn and that’s when we had sex! Sad.. I put a stop to it and now we don’t! I think he masterbates and that’s why he’s not interested? He talks very sexual to me and around people but doesn’t act on it later.


Pergaps he feels that his talking about it should be enough of an initiative, so that when you two get together then you pounce on him. Supposedly turned on by his words alone. 

I try to tease my wife through the day, but on some days, by the time i get home she's literally tired. Or she's angry with the kids, so immediately im turned off. She even told me tonight that just asking her to be more sexual with herself us a turn off, and sounds more like ridcule. So ... 

You may be in the same boat i am


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## Lifes Short (Apr 24, 2020)

sokillme said:


> How much weight? Did you get morbidly obese?





sokillme said:


> How much weight? Did you get morbidly obese?


40 pounds in 8 years.. I’m a size 16 and was a 10-12. He has also gained 40 pounds. I carry myself well.. I take care of my hair, makeup and dress nice! Cute far girl! Lol. No.. I think he liked the pretty girl with the curves before!


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## Lifes Short (Apr 24, 2020)

Cazmodius said:


> Pergaps he feels that his talking about it should be enough of an initiative, so that when you two get together then you pounce on him. Supposedly turned on by his words alone.
> 
> I try to tease my wife through the day, but on some days, by the time i get home she's literally tired. Or she's angry with the kids, so immediately im turned off. She even told me tonight that just asking her to be more sexual with herself us a turn off, and sounds more like ridcule. So ...
> 
> You may be in the same boat i am


I use to do the pouncing.. but gets old to be the one all the time! I use to watch the porn with him then I felt disgusted after awhile and thought that’s all he thinks about. Hopefully another talk will help. **** or get off the pot is what I’m thinking. His friends see how I am and they tell him how lucky he is to have a fun wife but he don’t get it. He’s retired military and divorced after 20 years so I wonder about ptsd? He also was not faithful with me the first 3 years so now it makes me feel he doesn’t want me cause other woman aren’t sexting him anymore! Why I got married.. hmmm?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lifes Short said:


> 40 pounds in 8 years.. I’m a size 16 and was a 10-12. He has also gained 40 pounds. I carry myself well.. I take care of my hair, makeup and dress nice! Cute far girl! Lol. No.. I think he liked the pretty girl with the curves before!


So doesn't sound like the weight is an issue but you never know, I am going to be blunt and I will probably get flack, at least for me there is a point where voluptuous (which I like) starts to look too big. Also 40 pounds at 5'1 is a lot different then 40 pounds at 4.7. I will get back to your problem in a moment but first I think it should be said for both men and women. 

You have a responsibility to your spouse if your a man or a women to be the best you you can be (I say this on guys threads just as much by the way). That means career, that means emotional development, and that means appearance. I say that as someone who at one point had gained 50 pounds and then lost it. I look back on the pictures of that time and am embarrassed that I allowed myself to do that. It wasn't fair to my wife and I have since apologized for it. We all get older but that doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself reasonably. I think a good way to think about this is lets say you were divorced and wanted to start dating again how much time and work would it take to get into shape where you were you would feel ready? In my mind if we are talking more then a month of diet and exercise then that ain't reasonable. Not saying you are not doing that but it's something everyone should be thinking about. It should be important to everyone to be attractive to their spouses, to be financially and emotionally taking care of business and that includes taking care of their spouses in those ways too. Not doing that is a bad strategy in marriage and in life.

Now getting back to your issue what does he say when you talk to him? Was there any point were you rejected him over a period of time, maybe it had nothing to do with him but he might have taken it that way? Was there a point were he couldn't perform?

Looking at porn use is also a good thing to check that can definitely destroy your drive, but even more so if it is coupled with other things like a feeling of rejection. 

When you say "I put a stop to it and now we don’t", how did you do that? Did you shame him for it or make him feel like he was gross? I get it, I can see how that might not e pleasant for you and in the same respect make you feel rejected so I am not judging you for being upset, but it's possible that you could have hurt his confidence in the way you put a stop to it. So it's important to think about that. I can't imagine trying to have sex with my wife if I thought she felt I was a pervert. I know that would be a big turn off. 

Besides that has he been to a doctor? Any possibly of an underlying condition?

Finally what does he say? Have you talked to him, I mean really sat him down and talked to him? Have you said to him what you said here "Can’t imagine a marriage lasting like this?!" Maybe not so blunt but letting him know that this situation is unsustainable.

I think it's important that you listen to what he has to say as well, you have a right to be hurt but it could be a problem of styles. Bottom line talk to him, don't be accusatory "you never do this", entreat him, "you doing this makes me feel this way".

Good luck.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lifes Short said:


> He also was not faithful with me the first 3 years


So this is a good example of how we tell people who post on here "don't bury the lede". You won't get the best advice. So now knowing this I would like to change my advice to check your phone bill. The other advice I gave you is good but I would have started here.

Let's make sure we have the full story now - this guy is ex military, divorced, cheated on you for 3 years, and used porn when having sex with you? Yeah, check your phone.

You need to give us much more detail about this. How did he cheat was it with multiple women over a 3 year period meaning he is a serial cheater? Also why does he say his first marriage broke up? Are you sure you know the truth about that?

Check your phone bill, seriously see if there is any other numbers on there that you don't recognize. Test how careful he is with his phone, ask to use it and see if he is sensitive about that. 

Serial cheaters don't change, they are like alcoholics, they can go into sobriety and usually it takes a profound amount of want for them to even do that, but there is always the risk that they will go back to the lifestyle,


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Lifes Short said:


> 40 pounds in 8 years.. I’m a size 16 and was a 10-12. He has also gained 40 pounds. I carry myself well.. I take care of my hair, makeup and dress nice! Cute far girl! Lol. No.. I think he liked the pretty girl with the curves before!


Have had to check what 40 pounds means. It is 18.14 kg in my language. The key to whether this is the cause or not is that 8 years ago when it started you were 40 pound lower. So you only raised it because you are looking for a reason. The reason is inside him. 

I would suggest you encourage him to seek therapy of sorts. The doctor should examine him and see if everything is OK about him including his hormone levels. 

Like some said he may not have the confidence to ask. Being the one to ask is not a bad idea if it results in a good session every time you ask. Why do you object to asking? You do not have to verbally ask. Just initiate and silently carry on if it results in a silent yes.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Cazmodius said:


> Maybe he has low testosterone levels? That could explain the inability to initiate sex. So, that might be a place to start.
> 
> Could be that he just doesn't doesn't know how to intiate it. How that's even possible, with sex becoming more and more prevalent. But still, could be he's insecure about how to do it to turn you on.
> 
> ...





Cazmodius said:


> Maybe he has low testosterone levels? That could explain the inability to initiate sex. So, that might be a place to start.
> 
> Could be that he just doesn't doesn't know how to intiate it. How that's even possible, with sex becoming more and more prevalent. But still, could be he's insecure about how to do it to turn you on.
> 
> ...


While reading some of the responses to this topic about sexless marriage, you mentioned low testosterone level. I have been married for 19+ years and during the past 2 years or so the sex in my marriage has deteriorated. My husband use to have an active sex drive and now he doesn't. He has tried Viagra (sildenafil) and it was good for a while but, he stopped getting it refilled and I have gotten tired of asking when he was going to refill. He doesn't show any initiative. I asked him what was the matter and he said we can't be spontaneous as we have to plan this and that kills the mood. He also is stressed out and is rushed and places so much stress that he loses the mood while we are in the middle of having sex. Any suggestions how I can approach this sensitive topic?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'd say go back to the basics.
Time to sit him down and have a matter-of-fact conversation.
Tell him what you need. Make it clear to tell him that he can (and needs) to come and get it.
Make it clear there will be no rejection on your part or reprisals for doing so.
Open up the conversation regarding his needs. What does he like, what can you do to help strengthen the intimacy in your marriage?
Ask him are there are different things he would like to do in the BR. Use this opening to discuss porn. Ask him if he uses it (in a non judgmental fashion.) If yes, try to find out what types.
Discuss if there are physical issues. Discuss if he needs a physical (check for low T, deal with ED issues, etc, if any.) Encourage him to and be supportive of him getting one.
If weight is an issue, work on it. Even something small as taking walks together, working out together, dieting together, etc. Be supportive of each other and work towards the goal of being healthy together.
Work on breaking down the walls and develop a sense of intimacy together. Do that and the sex will take care of itself.
And, yes I know. I've been on the sexless end of a marriage.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

capri7204 said:


> While reading some of the responses to this topic about sexless marriage, you mentioned low testosterone level. I have been married for 19+ years and during the past 2 years or so the sex in my marriage has deteriorated. My husband use to have an active sex drive and now he doesn't. He has tried Viagra (sildenafil) and it was good for a while but, he stopped getting it refilled and I have gotten tired of asking when he was going to refill. He doesn't show any initiative. I asked him what was the matter and he said we can't be spontaneous as we have to plan this and that kills the mood. He also is stressed out and is rushed and places so much stress that he loses the mood while we are in the middle of having sex. Any suggestions how I can approach this sensitive topic?


Just be open and supportive.
Tell him what you need, and that you want it to be with him.
Has he tried Cialis? Very inexpensive as a generic through Good Rx and can be taken daily to deal with the spontaneity issue.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

capri7204 said:


> My husband use to have an active sex drive and now he doesn't. He has tried Viagra (sildenafil) and it was good for a while but, he stopped getting it refilled and I have gotten tired of asking when he was going to refill. He doesn't show any initiative. I asked him what was the matter and he said we can't be spontaneous as we have to plan this and that kills the mood. He also is stressed out and is rushed and places so much stress that he loses the mood while we are in the middle of having sex. Any suggestions how I can approach this sensitive topic?


Mood killers seriously deter the libido. But, if he was active before and now just doesn't want to even try, then that tells me there's something else going on. That's not medical.

In my experince, my libido is still strong at 38, and after 14 years of marriage i still desire sex. While stress comes and goes it should not be the go to excuse to not have sex. If he feels rushed, which i hate too, that's ok. But have a quickie. Wham bam thank you maam's are just as good as the prolong frolic under the sheets. I'd rather have a quickie then have to relent to masterbation or just no sex at all. So if he won't even go for that, then ... well his interests have changed. And i can admit that some of my interests have changed too. But i still desire to mate with my wife above all else, even if it's vanilla. 

Is he emtionally detached too? Like does his mood affect life outside the bedroom?

If it's just the bedroom, then you still have options. Toys, videos, pics, gifs, erotica, etc. 

If he says that you dont have time, you make time. Scheduling love sucks for sure, and can be a mood killer. So you've got to strike when the mood hits. 

Take a shower together. Help eachother get dressed. The mundane stuff that we do, have the other do for you. When you're sitting on the couch togethet massage eachother. Hold hands. Have a make out session, even if it's only for a moment. Find ways to touch, caress or, hell, grope. (Turns me pn just thinking about all this. And it should for your husband too if he has any love for you.)

My advise to bring this up these sensitive things up is to literally reach out to him, physically and ask. If he reacts with "what are you doing get away" then you have a definitive answer. If he welcomes the new approqch, ask him to reciprocate. I'll wash your back, you wash mine. 

I shower with my wife. She used to let me wash her whole body, head to toe, now it's mostly her back, bc her body has changed. But the fact is that shower time is our intimate moment to share. Even if she likes to hog the hot water, lol. We tease each other in there too, sometimes it leads tok sex, others we get interrupted by 1 of 3 kids. 

Bottom line is that there's no easy way to approach his lack of effort. But finding somwthing else sensual to do together may help in approaching the subject. 

And if all else fails just flat out tell.him what you want. It likely wont work and you'll be back to this, but at least he'll know. And then you'll have to decide if you can continue to live with him if there's little to no sex. It shouldn't be tbis way, but life's too short not to get what you need too.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

I will definitely research cialis. I will approach this topic in a way that shows I am trying 2 be supportive and want to find a solution. Thanks.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Cazmodius said:


> Mood killers seriously deter the libido. But, if he was active before and now just doesn't want to even try, then that tells me there's something else going on. That's not medical.
> 
> In my experince, my libido is still strong at 38, and after 14 years of marriage i still desire sex. While stress comes and goes it should not be the go to excuse to not have sex. If he feels rushed, which i hate too, that's ok. But have a quickie. Wham bam thank you maam's are just as good as the prolong frolic under the sheets. I'd rather have a quickie then have to relent to masterbation or just no sex at all. So if he won't even go for that, then ... well his interests have changed. And i can admit that some of my interests have changed too. But i still desire to mate with my wife above all else, even if it's vanilla.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your input. All of this information is so helpful. He will hug me and kiss as is common for you guys the grabbing of the boob etc happens and I encourage it but nothing comes of it. We use to have all the toys, showers but I hate to say this but he's back to the porn. I dont know what to do. Is he doing it because he is just not in to me anymore or because there is no pressure for him to perform in front of a video. I have wanted to be intimate and have had this conversation a million times and when I think he'll move his a$$ and get the pills he doesn't. I just feel that if he can find the time to jerk off to porn he can put that effort to getting medication. He has been to the doctors in the past which is how he got the viagra. I am depressed about all of this. Aside from the sex I love my husband but, I feel sex should be a part of a relationship. Wish me luck. I will be talking to him soon.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

capri7204 said:


> I am depressed about all of this. Aside from the sex I love my husband but, I feel sex should be a part of a relationship. Wish me luck.


Pills might not be the solution, but again every man is different. If i had to rely on pills tp keep it up i think id be depressed. So maybe he just needs counciling. However the j/o shows that he's still active AND can get it up. So, pills arent it IMO. 

Sex is important and you should be getting your share. PM me if you need to talk more.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If it's not low T, at this age he should be able to have sex regardless of choking the chicken a few times a week whether right/wrong to do so.

I'm at a loss here. Keep throwing being nekkid around him.

He's likely grown lazy it saddens me to say.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If he prefers porn to his wife, there are a few issues to unpack.

If he has performance issues (sounds like he does), he may prefer masturbation to partner sex. With masturbation, there is no performance anxiety and no pressure or fear of failure. You come, great. If not, no one else knows. With partner sex, especially for a guy, there is huge anxiety and fear. I might not be able to get hard. I get hard but go off in 15 seconds. I might not be able to get her off. Lots of potential outcomes that seem negative to him. The only "good" outcome is he can perform and he gets you off. He may not like the odds of being able to produce that outcome.

Or he may simply feel that partner sex is too much work. Takes too long. Leaves him tired. If he tries and tries to get you off, and he fails, he may be so frustrated with the whole process that he doesn't get off either. So much easier and quicker to just log into some porn and rub one out. If he is addicted to the brain chemicals associated with orgasm but he doesn't want to have to work to get them, masturbation can seem a better deal than partner sex.

One poster here found that a good way to address this is to cage the guy, and have his wife keep the key to the lock. He isn't allowed to masturbate on his own. He only gets satisfaction when she decides to unlock him. It is then up to him to motivate her to do so. Some couples finds that this redirects his interest toward her and away from porn and masturbation.

This is not quick and easy to solve. If he prefers masturbation to partner sex, there are some emotional or psychological issues he needs to work through. You can't do that work for him. He has to want to do it. You can motivate him. But he has to choose to do it for himself or it won't work. Good luck.


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## DeEva (Apr 28, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> I'd say go back to the basics.
> Time to sit him down and have a matter-of-fact conversation.
> Tell him what you need. Make it clear to tell him that he can (and needs) to come and get it.
> Make it clear there will be no rejection on your part or reprisals for doing so.
> ...


you are absolutely right


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> If he prefers porn to his wife, there are a few issues to unpack.
> 
> If he has performance issues (sounds like he does), he may prefer masturbation to partner sex. With masturbation, there is no performance anxiety and no pressure or fear of failure. You come, great. If not, no one else knows. With partner sex, especially for a guy, there is huge anxiety and fear. I might not be able to get hard. I get hard but go off in 15 seconds. I might not be able to get her off. Lots of potential outcomes that seem negative to him. The only "good" outcome is he can perform and he gets you off. He may not like the odds of being able to produce that outcome.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this information. I have to rewire my brain to try and understand his issue from his point of view in reference to porn and him finding it easier as there is no pressure to perform. On the other hand it is upsetting as I feel that he should a better effort to find ways to improve his situation and that we work together as a team to better our situation. I feel left out and alone in the intimacy part of this marriage and it is wrecking my self esteem. I hope I am explaining this correctly. Right now I feel like just the mother of his kids. I have addressed this issue a bunch of times and he has stated he can't stay hard and I think he just prefers to ignore sexless marriage and it will go away. I will be talking with him tomorrow as we both have off and hope we can through this.


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