# A silly question



## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I really hope you guys won't rip me a new one on here as has happened on many other boards. I thought I would ask you a simple question, but I'll add a bit of background first so you can understand where I'm coming from with this question.

I'm a female who has never had a sex drive. I would describe myself as heterosexual because I find men aesthetically pleasing but not women (and I couldn't imagine having a romantic thing with a woman - no offence to those that do ofcourse!). My husband is a very sexual person, and I can hear you all groaning and knowing what comes next.. lol. I don't have a sex drive because of psychological issues that I'm currently in psychotherapy for. It is a long process and the therapist, although she doesn't put a timeline on anything, insinuates that it will be a long time before I come around in that department.. and I sort of thought that myself anyway.

Anyway, originally I thought that sex was just that... sex. But since I've been with my husband, he has told me about how its all about emotional bonding, that type of thing. I thought that sounded intriguing so I looked up some boards on the internet that were very helpful in helping me understand what sex REALLY is (in a married couple). This board in particular was very informative, having read a lot of posts of people saying what they needed out of sex, what their dealbreakers are, and basically gave me a very good insight. Now I understand why he wants sex a lot. So we do it a lot and I'm always enthusiastic, it is a lot of fun. 

His chief complaint is that he gets no emotional connection out of me. That isn't surprising because to me, there is none - it's sex! But after all this stuff that I'd read and he'd told me and the therapist had agreed with this, I started looking for emotions during sex.

So my (allegedly) simple question is... what is it about sex that constitutes the emotional bonding? I have looked many times and not seen any emotions there (except that look that he gets when he's really horny). It occurred to me that maybe the fact that he's touching certain private areas could be the emotional thing for him, but then again people do that when they see a prostitute but claim there is nothing emotional there. And one night stands aren't emotional and they involve touching of those areas, so that can't be it. My husband thinks the emotional stuff is there but I'm just not tuned in at that frequency, so to speak. But I want to get my knowledge up a bit so I can learn. I'm not an emotional kind of person in general so that could be a part of why I'm not on that frequency. I think sex with emotions would be awesome, so I'm trying to do a bit of research to find out how to make that happen.

So yeah... for YOU, what constitutes the emotional stuff during sex with your partner?


Thanks.

PS: please don't flame me. I've asked this question on other boards and been flamed to billy-o. This is a legitimate question from someone who is trying to learn.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I think you will find people less flame-wanting on this board. The fact that you are trying to understand is awesome in my book!

So to your question "What constitutes the emotional stuff during sex with your partner."

For starters fact that my wife is very vulnerable to me during sex. She's letting me put a part of me into her body. By that very act she is saying (at least to me) she utterly trusts me.

Secondly this is something that only my wife and I share together and with no one else. It's something we have between us and only us that no one else on this earth we have to share with. It's special knowing you are the only one who can share something special with someone.

76Trombones, every time we have sex is not an overly emotional experience for either of us. Many times we have it and it's just the physical release and bonding. Other times though I do feel the emotions and they are strong. If I had to put a percentage I'd say 80% of the time it's a physical experience and 20% of the times it's physical & emotional.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

the emotional part comes from the fact that he married you, committed to you and wants only you. when you reciprocate that same feeling and committment through intimacy it completes that bond. everyone wants to be wanted


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Thanks guys, that does make a lot of sense 

The vulnerability thing I hadn't thought of before. That is something I will talk to him about.. that could be it. I don't act vulnerable or anything of the sort in bed. I will talk to him about that tonight. Thank you!

And also OkieDokey, what you said rings true as well. Maybe I should also look at sex in the grand scheme of things rather than just the act itself. What you said made a lot of sense too and I never thought of it that way.

I always love it when people mention a viewpoint that never occurred to me. Gotta love discussion boards. This is good stuff because it gives me some good ideas to talk to him about, and find out what he really needs in that department.

Thanks guys!


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Thanks for posting this. Sex isn't an overly emotional time for me either...I kind of view it as just sex - not that I don't enjoy it sometimes, but I don't come out of it feeling closer to my spouse.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

The emotional part for me is what we do for each other in order to please the other person. It's all mechanical, but the thought and caring behind it causes emotional feelings. Feelings are emotional such as gratitude, appreciation, etc. Also, it feels good, and that causes emotional feelings too. And, there are particular things that are done or said during love making that serve to anchor partners to that particular emotional moment. In other words, a deed or a phrased expression causes a person to feel a certain way that connects them to each other emotionally. Every time they think of it or remember it, they get those same cascades of emotions. People anchor each other in many ways, whether it has to do with sex or not. Something a person said that hurt your feelings really badly, your feelings are hurt in the same way each and every time you remember those words and that moment. We are also anchored in very good ways. I just happened to give an example of an emotionally hurtful anchor to stress my point that it's special when we are anchored and that tuned in to something wonderful that is done or said during love making. So, my questions for you are:

Do you orgasm? Does sex feel good or are you basically involved because he wants it? You say you don't have a sex drive, so I'm asking to understand what you mean by that. Are you saying you never have the feeling that you want to have sex (you never get horny)? Or, are you saying you find nothing gratifying about the act because it does not feel good to you? If the latter, are you saying you do not have nerve endings inside you like most other women have? Or, are you saying it does feel good and you wish you could orgasm, but your husband does not know how to pleasure you and does not know how to make sex feel good to you?

I'm trying distinguish between no sex drive, no feeling, and not being satisfied because lots of women don't have a sex drive. Or maybe a woman doesn't feel like having sex but does it because her husband wants to. Still, she gets emotionally connected to him because it feels good after they begin even though she it was the last thing on her mind at the time. Conversely, a woman who is not sexually satisfied, where her needs are ignored, lack a sex drive for husband because she knows there is nothing in it for her. Since she is accustomed to not being gratified, then she suppresses sex drive because there's just no point in wanting sex.

So just like different people try to explain the emotional connection in different ways, many women will say "I have no sex drive" but it means something different for each woman. Tell us what it means for you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I also would wonder if you are having orgasms? 

Usually after this feeling of utter bliss, I know I feel SO overwhelmed, thankful, so satisfied, so blessed to have this wonderful man, to give me this ultimate pleasure, I have even cried during love making, just how good it feels coupled with what others have said on here >>>> It is the only act in life we do with the one we love & cherish above all, noone can make me feel like HE does, can give those heights of pleasure, in my intimate places-that only he knows, and I give to him. It is breathtaking at times. 

I would not understand how this can not be emotional in some way. I have never had any other partners -other than my husband, probably because I knew I would not be able to have the act -without feelings. I know many do this- but this is foreign to me, never experienced that. I know , for me, I would have been VERY hurt if I shared that part of myself and it was "only sex" to the man. 

I am pretty emotional though, whether it is love or anger, I can be "intense". 

I applaud you for seeking advice, wanting to explore this part of sex though, so worth the discovery! 

So much of what we feel , or allow ourselves to feel, has to do with our "mindset", experiences that brought us to this place in life. Your therapist may have a better handle on WHY you struggle here -maybe past relationships where no love/emotioin was involved & you built a wall around feeling anything. If so, you are not alone, this happens to other women too, it takes time & feeling SAFE to fully open up ,even allowing themselves to "feel" again. 

Sounds like you & your husband have great communication, keep that going, the exploring, the learning, you'll get there.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

All I can say to those answers is wow! Those were just the type of answers I was really looking for! Thanks so much... it has answered a lot (and I mean a LOT) of questions I had in my mind. This knowledge will really benefit my husband and myself .. this board is great.  I cannot thank you enough.

To answer your questions Susan2010 and SimplyAmorous, no I don't have orgasms. I was brought up in an abusive (not sexually abusive though) family and emotions were not a part of that whatsoever, and sex was just not talked about. So, because of that, I had turned off my emotions at about the age of 12 or 13. You have no idea how crappy life is without emotions!! So now at the age of 29 I am doing this psychotherapy to "turn them back on", so to speak. It's a slow process but as I am finding out, quite worth it. It's like a whole new world has opened up to me. Yes, sounds pretty lame I know. I'm learning how to enjoy things. And it feels good.

So in terms of sex, in the past I had found it quite boring because I never developed a sex drive (among other things). I've done everything under the sun (I went through a phase of thinking maybe I had some kind of kink that would light my fire... but never found one), had a lot of sex over the years but it bored me to tears. Emotions were not involved. At one point I thought I was asexual but going to this therapy has made me think maybe I might develop a sex drive at some stage, a bit like I am developing these emotions. 

I've always thought of sex as a fun thing to do, a bit like playing sport, and I do it with that attitude. I don't lie there like a dead fish, I'm enthusiastic about it so that my husband doesn't get offended. And since I've discovered all this stuff that he (and everyone else by the looks of it!) gets out of sex, I now try and do stuff that he would find fulfilling in these ways. But the emotions bit is what was confusing me a little. He has told me that the sex itself is great, it's just the emotional part that he really needs. Thinking about it further, I think he wants a bit of passion too. 

No I have never had a feeling that I want sex. I do it because I understand he has needs and I do my best to fulfil him in that department. I have all the right bits down there (i've had that checked out), had the hormone tests, all that sort of jazz and I'm normal. It's a psychological thing for me. It doesn't feel good to me, but it doesn't hurt or anything like that. It's a bit uncomfortable but I can still do it.. it's no big deal. It's a bit like if you had someone come up and rub your arm.. doesn't feel good, doesn't really feel like anything. I get the urge to sort myself out about once every 3 months or so but that is a 5 minute job and I'm good to go. 

What my husband finds strange is that for me, masturbation and sex are mutually exclusive. If I try anything like that when he (or anyone I've been with) is in the room then it doesn't work. It goes dead. No horny feelings occur when I am not alone. But that doesn't bother me because I don't have any sexual needs.. I'm a low maintenance partner like that..lol. If I don't sort myself out in that time, no big deal, the feeling goes away for another three months. I just do it if I'm bored at that time, but if I have something interesting I'm doing I just ignore it and it is gone. I don't really care about having any orgasms or feeling good or anything (because it is quite fun), I just would like to do the emotional part with him because this is the part that he needs. 

I think I covered everything.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

errr, I think perhaps I'm understanding this a little better, and I don't think it is about emotions. Love and love making are incredibly difficult to describe, and describing emotions is nearly impossible. So, he needs something that he identifies to be "emotions" because he may not know any other way to identify what he is missing. I really don't know if "emotions" are it, or at least not that alone. What you're telling is you get nothing out of sex. You do it and try to make it exciting for him. The thing is, a woman might be able to fake some things, like orgasm, or she can feign excitement over a gift he gives that she really doesn't like, but you cannot fake true response during love making. And I think your response to him is what he is lacking because, well, you are not responding. You're doing what you can to make it good and exciting for him, but that is not response. If you've never enjoyed sex, then you don't know what the responses are, so he detects he is not getting real feedback and identifying that as "emotion" because he wouldn't know any other way to describe it. He has no idea what a woman is feeling, how sex feels to her, or why she acts the way she does. I can see he might confuse what he customarily received (from other lovers) as feedback with emotions because not being a woman he can't tell you exactly what it is. If I'm right, it's not emotions. It's response to sexual pleasure.

Is that possible?


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

As complicated as it sounds, you could be very right. When I spoke to him about what "emotional things" (heh general i know) he needs out of sex he did have a hard time putting it into words. He even said himself that it is hard to describe. But what you're saying does make a lot of sense, and yes it pretty much fits with what he's saying. 

I'm thinking maybe to put it simply he means the "magic" of sex. I'm assuming that when two people make love (two people who get the same thing out of sex) there is some kinda emotional.... atmosphere? about it.. the only word that comes into my head to describe it is "magic".. lol. I know that when I masturbate there is something like an electrical atmosphere around that, so I would assume that it's the same thing with sex. But then again, that is purely biological there, its nothing to do with emotions. You are horny - thats it. But I'm guessing that in sex with two people, there is some sort of emotion entangled with all that horniness-electric-type-feeling and THAT.. (dramatic pause) is why people love doing it.

Woah. Just reading that back to myself is quite complicated. But it is a bummer because it sounds like either this magic is there or it isnt. It doesn't sound like I can do a particular thing and it will bring on these feelings in him... its all about the response, like you said. Which I have none of. Damn.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Sage advice.



Susan2010 said:


> errr, I think perhaps I'm understanding this a little better, and I don't think it is about emotions. Love and love making are incredibly difficult to describe, and describing emotions is nearly impossible. So, he needs something that he identifies to be "emotions" because he may not know any other way to identify what he is missing. I really don't know if "emotions" are it, or at least not that alone. What you're telling is you get nothing out of sex. You do it and try to make it exciting for him. The thing is, a woman might be able to fake some things, like orgasm, or she can feign excitement over a gift he gives that she really doesn't like, but you cannot fake true response during love making. And I think your response to him is what he is lacking because, well, you are not responding. You're doing what you can to make it good and exciting for him, but that is not response. If you've never enjoyed sex, then you don't know what the responses are, so he detects he is not getting real feedback and identifying that as "emotion" because he wouldn't know any other way to describe it. He has no idea what a woman is feeling, how sex feels to her, or why she acts the way she does. I can see he might confuse what he customarily received (from other lovers) as feedback with emotions because not being a woman he can't tell you exactly what it is. If I'm right, it's not emotions. It's response to sexual pleasure.
> 
> Is that possible?


Great sex is about the ANTICIPATION of having it coupled with the CHEMISTRY of experiencing it with that special someone. This also explains why great sex is so contingent upon how you are getting along recently, your [hopefully] mutual admiration for each other, stress, general optimism or pessimism, and physical attraction. If anything is imbalanced, it has the potential to disrupt the quality of what goes on in the bedroom.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Interesting. Thank you guys for all your input.  Now I have a good idea where my husband is coming from, and what he gets out of sex.

Thank you.


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