# Does anybody actually recover from their sexless marriage or is this it?



## LongTallStewie (Dec 5, 2011)

Hi, long time lurker first time poster!

I've been reading quite a few of the 'sexless marriage' threads, but never seen anybody post that they've gone through it and managed to work it out with their other half.

Well if you want my story, met my partner when I was 20 and got married 5 years later so now been with her a total of 14 years. At first the sex was great, several times a week and sometime several times a night, around the time we got married it was at its peak. However then her sex drive started to reduce (although mine hadn't.) So I found it was me started to ask and initiate sex, and more and more often she would say no. Then I stopped receiving oral saying she's never liked giving it, then she stopped wanting to receive oral saying she doesn't enjoy it. Then we had kids, and I knew beforehand that they would have an effect on our relationship and I don't blame them for this. But she just says she's tired, she's sore (thrush), there's always an excuse. She said if I came to bed earlier she wouldn't be as tired but still nothing, if I try in the middle of the day she won't because of the kids (despite our bedroom having a door). It got to the stage that we'd only have sex if I begged her for it, which I know isn't great and made me feel awful that I had to do it. Then she told me to stop asking her for it as it was putting her off so I did, so we stopped having it. We decided last year that we wanted another child, I thought it might help but the sex became functional, once a month at peak fertility. We've had sex 3 times this year and not since she got pregnant.

There are plenty of stories about pregnant women having such a great sex life, especially in the 2nd trimester, this isn't one of them. She's not looked at me since she got pregnant. Even if I walk into the room out of the shower and naked she wouldn't even look up from her book for a sneaky peek (I appreciate her body every time I see it.) I don't think this is a new thing because she is pregnant, I feel the pregnancy was a means to an end, she doesn't have to have sex with me anymore so she won't.

So I wondered if I went off and had sex with somebody else would I be happy? No. I would have got a wee bit of pleasure from it but then returned home feeling guilty and the underlying problem is still there and I still wouldn't be happy. And that's the crux of the matter. It's not the sex I'm missing, it's the intimacy. And you can’t have one without the other.

I also noticed that our intimacy has taken a similar nose dive. She's long since given up cuddling me. She doesn’t initiate any kisses but she gets annoyed if I don't make the effort to kiss her (leaving for work etc.) The kisses themselves have lacked any kind of feeling. So a couple of weeks ago I decided to stop kissing and cuddling her to see if she'd notice, she didn't.

So I sat her down, explained all this to her. I wrote it down just to make sure I wouldn't miss any points, read it out. She says it's all in my head (so I doubt I'd be able to get her to some kind of counselling.) She thinks she still kisses and cuddles me often enough and that the sex thing is temporary and will return to normal at some point. But I don't agree. It's been declining for years and now it's got to zero. We are no longer a practising married couple. We just exist. Flatmates.

But she's still my best friend. I get along great with her. I've got no desire to leave her. I'm just worried that I'm gradually starting to resent her. So it's a similar story to quite a few in here, my question is has anybody been able to kick-start their sex life without leaving their partner?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`ve never seen it and I`ve been trolling these marriage boards for awhile now.

It`s gotten me to thinking that if my wife doesn`t want sex anymore I`m simply going to divorce her.

I`m not going to put myself through the crap I see all these poor bastards going through around here.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LongTallStewie said:


> Hi, long time lurker first time poster!
> 
> I've been reading quite a few of the 'sexless marriage' threads, but never seen anybody post that they've gone through it and managed to work it out with their other half.
> 
> ...


All the advice about sitting her down and talking about it is BULlS***. shes playing you. start acting aloof and stop careting to her every need. shes your best friend because you think if you are friendly with her she might want to bang you. you should put your foot down and tell her you want a wife not a best friend. yea yea yea, your thinking easier said than done...... stand your ground and she will come around.


or be a door matt. she likes wiping her feet on you. and then giving the pouty eyes when things don't go her way and you cave as to not make her mad so you might get some sex.and then she say I'm tierd I don't know whats wrong.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Oh Man...I'm so sorry!! Sounds very frustrating!! This is a wonams point of view. When I was pregnnat I wanted it all the time. I have a high sex drive and love all the cuddling and everything. I've never been one to deny my husband. My husband has been the one to say no to me. Towards the end of the marraige(seperated) I didn't even feel like asking anymore because it seemed he would get mad if I tried to touch him. He would slap my hand away if I tried to touch him. He always said he was not int he mood.

I've been pregnant 3 times and I wish he wanted me more when I was pregnant. I wish I could go back to those times. Sex was even more enjoyable and erotic during pregnancy for me when we did do it. Now there is no chance of me ever being pregnnat again and I would not want any other children, but it makes me sad that we missed out on all those special times.

Husband and I are working on reconsiling now. I hope that when he does move back in to the family home we can get our sex life back. 

I think there is hope. Try new things wiht her. My husband had a lot of resentment and thats what effected the sex life. He also tried to do things during the day and sent me sexy texts, but I just did not get it. Now I hope for a chance to redo all that. 

Use technoligy to rev her up during the day. Send her special little texts, parts of songs or what ever you think she might like.


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## LongTallStewie (Dec 5, 2011)

Some differing views, thanks!

*tacoma* yeah I've not found the answer yet, to be honest I wasn't really expecting one but thought I should ask!

*chillymorn* I know where you are coming from, I've read Married Man Sex Life but I'm still not entirely convinced that putting my foot down and treating her like crap is going to get me anywhere. I don't think she wants me to do all this stuff for her and just can't be bothered to give me sex. I don't want her to give me sex, I want her to want to have sex. If I start refusing to do stuff unless I get some action... it's just turning it into sex for reward.

*blueskies30* I think if I start sending her rude texts it will turn her off not on! But it sounds like you have been through what I'm currently going through. I think she is very attractive just now, bump and all, makes it even worse that I can't go near her [insert excuse here].

I did find Married Men Sex Life and these boards very useful, I thought it was just me and I was the only one. I also found that I was resenting her more and more and that wasn't helping the relationship.

I don't think there is a magic formula to solve this, if I do x then y will happen. It's going to be a lot of little stuff. I just don't know if I've got the will to fight it any more.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

When a woman doesn't want sex, it's usually because she's not attracted to her partner anymore. No one who thinks their mate is hot would be able to keep their hands off them.

Sure hormones play a role. But being "tired" or "sore" is crap if it's every day. Everyone is tired, gimme a break. People who are turned on by their partners have sex even when tired (i'm one of them). 

Somewhere along the way, she doesn't see you as attractive any longer. There's no more chase. No more excitement. You're just her husband now (in her mind) so why should she sleep with you? She already got you! (many women think this way.)


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> When a woman doesn't want sex, it's usually because she's not attracted to her partner anymore.


That, or she has resentment towards their spouse for some reason. That kills attraction and sex big time. Usually resentment is the killer of the sex for women. That is if its nothing medical/hormonal. If its resentment, find out WHY she feels that way.


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## LongTallStewie (Dec 5, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> When a woman doesn't want sex, it's usually because she's not attracted to her partner anymore.


Agreed. So it's my job to make her feel more attracted to me.



Darkhorse said:


> Sure hormones play a role. But being "tired" or "sore" is crap if it's every day. Everyone is tired, gimme a break. People who are turned on by their partners have sex even when tired (i'm one of them).


I've been tired loads of times and never refused her if she was in the mood.



CallaLily said:


> That, or she has resentment towards their spouse for some reason. That kills attraction and sex big time. Usually resentment is the killer of the sex for women. That is if its nothing medical/hormonal. If its resentment, find out WHY she feels that way.


I don't think she resents me. She says nothing is wrong, and really means it. If I walked out it would be a total surprise to her, she really doesn't get it! And I know she's not getting it anywhere else.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I guess you could say I'm recovered.... as i don't believe our marriage will be "sexless" much longer. It's taken two years and my indicator that things are better is that I no longer think about sex constantly and I feel normal. Because I see my wife moving towards a sexual marriage again...hasn't happened yet but it will. Everyday we are moving closer.


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## LongTallStewie (Dec 5, 2011)

While I thank you for your reply I don't think you have recovered. You have simply moved the goalposts. You once had sex in your marriage, then you didn't have sex but thought about it, now you don't have sex and don't think about it. I think the first is normal, not 2 or 3 but wish you all the best if that's what is making you happy.

LTS


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Been married 3.5 years. Before marriage sex was awesome.
About 6-8 months in sex started going down hill. For about a year I was lucky to get sex twice per month.

Now sex is 3-4 per week, wife initiates a lot and shows enthusiasm throughout. I get regular bj's and wife has, after a 3 year break, started swallowing again. 


It does happen.


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## LongTallStewie (Dec 5, 2011)

Nice! Thanks, that's the light at the end of the tunnel I was looking for.

Next question: how did you achieve it?:scratchhead:


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

As a woman the longer we go without sex, the colder we become. Then it's harder for us to warm up to idea of sex and intimacy. If it has been a while it will take a while for her to warm up. Think like an iron not like a microwave. 
I am sorry for you, she, like most women, don't realize what this is doing to you and the marriage, killing it. Pray, Pray, Pray, God's will is for spouses to always unite together with sex. Maybe try comparing her needs to yours. Conversation=women and Sex=man.
Do a lot of reading. Try to learn as much as you can about the differences between men and women, "Mars on Ice and Venus on Fire" by Dr. Gray is really good. Sometimes it takes one party to change to make the whole marriage better again.

Hang in there


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

To answer your question off the bat, I'd say you have about straight up 50/50 odds of it recovering.

Those aren't exactly good. . .not exactly bad.

She's not taking it seriously. It would be one thing if she is frustrated about her low libido too and was trying to do something about it. However, she sounds blah-zay (phonetic spelling, sorry) about the whole thing and unfortunately *sigh* it's common in women and also not unheard of in men either.

I am also going to speak as a man who's divorced and now an irregular contributor to this forum.

Annagarret made me post with her statement of "Conversation=women" and "Sex=man".

It really is true. Now that I have dated awhile I can see that conversation really is like sex to women. I think Facebook is like a "meat market" to some women in that regard to continue with the analogy.

It's also a bit ironic. As I have dated, I have come to realize something:

You know how women say, "Well, I can get [insert male body part slang] any time. It isn't that hard. Male body parts are common."

I have come to realize that I can get "emotional intimacy" any time I want from women. It honestly isn't that hard. I have met 3 women and dated them and all of them, I could see having that emotional intimacy with the rest of my life.

I guess what I am saying is, "Wow. . .that "intimate connection" you speak of - it's honestly nothing that special as I used to think.

I don't mean that in a cynical way at all but to a guy. . .you find a great sex partner - THAT's GOLD.

A great talking partner. . .eh, they're a dime/dozen with women. 

In the end, a good, healthy physical relationship is what a man should be seeking.

Good luck.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

There are a lot of sensible posts here especially from Annagarett. She is right it will get worse. It sounds to me that your wife doesnt really believe that you are suffering. Whatever you do dont start making threats they always backfire. A good counsellor can definitely help and is really the only advice I can give you. She doesnt realise she is hurting you. This may sound funny to you, but in your circumstances I think would help. Write her a long letter, not so much how you love her, but how you are missing the sex. It may sound begging, it is, but sometimes if you need something you have to. She may want something in return something expensive or very difficult. But you have to get the ball rolling again. She sees you as a flatmate not as a husband, this seems to happen often, after a time. I wont say why I think this is here. Just looking at you wont change matters. Sometimes a 'guilty' feeling helps. I dont think its resentment like the other posters more a feeling its not necessary at all.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

l am speaking from my personal point of view as a woman. l have a high sex drive and husband too. l am pregnant and enjoy every bit of sex l have. l tell my husband how enjoyable l want sex to be bcos l hate dry sex. 
Please be patient with your wife, she doesn't know she is hurting you. Having sex outside marriage will only give you short term pleasure and everlasting pains and agonies. There must be something that turns your wife on sexually, try it and see her reaction. 
Another thing that kills libido for both men and women is resentment and unforgiveness. lf l have anything agaist my husband l tell him after we have had a marathon sex. It really works for us.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> To answer your question off the bat, I'd say you have about straight up 50/50 odds of it recovering.
> 
> Those aren't exactly good. . .not exactly bad.
> 
> ...


Not once have I ever heard nor have I ever looked at it from that point of view. Makes sence.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

LongTallStewie said:


> I don't think she resents me. She says nothing is wrong, and really means it. If I walked out it would be a total surprise to her, she really doesn't get it! And I know she's not getting it anywhere else.


Well apparently there is something wrong or you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. Just because someone tells you nothing is wrong and seems like they mean it doesn't mean thats the truth. Her actions are speaking far louder than her words.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I am one of the schmuckettes (ie wife who doesnt get any sex and husband who wasnt seeing how much it was hurting me/us... plus he has control issues on top of that). 

You can read my threads, and may have already. 

So, I dont have a success story, but wanted to add to others thoughts that the low or no drive spouse doesnt really see it as an issue. I dont know what they see us doing... they think we obsess over sex bc we bring it up, but we are bringing it up bc we are not having it! I dont know if they are using us for other things and basically having their cake and eating it too, as it appears to us bc my husband didnt know until late this weekend how bad I am feeling about him and the marriage (even though I have shared in many ways)... it actually took me saying I was thinking about having an affair and I hate him for taking away everything from our relationship that made me fall in love with him (more than sex... he used to make ME sit down and resolve things, he used to nurture and build me up and make it clear that he thought I was special to him, he seduced me for hours, he flirted with me all day when he was at work... multiple txts and emails and called every night to say goodnight). All of that is gone. Now he says he wants to work on things again... bc I said I hate him and was considering an affair bc he refuses to have sex with me.:scratchhead: 

So maybe there is something to an ultimatum?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

trey69 said:


> Well apparently there is something wrong or you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. Just because someone tells you nothing is wrong and seems like they mean it doesn't mean thats the truth. Her actions are speaking far louder than her words.


This is what I was just posting about. The low drive spouse, I think now, doesnt really see it. I think they really dont know what it does to us inside, and how it makes us view them and the marriage. To them its like refusing to put peanut butter on a PB & J sandwich... remove the peanut butter though and its no longer a PB & J... right? To them its just removing peanut butter, and its still a sandwich.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Hey scannergaurd!... there are some women=sex... just saying

Thats how my husband and I started... he was man=conversation and me(woman)=sex. He also liked sex alot, but was the one who wanted to talk.

:smthumbup:


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

toolate said:


> This is what I was just posting about. The low drive spouse, I think now, doesnt really see it. I think they really dont know what it does to us inside, and how it makes us view them and the marriage. To them its like refusing to put peanut butter on a PB & J sandwich... remove the peanut butter though and its no longer a PB & J... right? To them its just removing peanut butter, and its still a sandwich.


They may see it and then again may not. 

I do think there are some people who do see it, and just are no longer connected or really want to be connected to their spouse sexually, period.

Which if thats in fact the case, the ball is in the other persons court who is not longer getting any sex. I think they will have t be the one to determine if they can live with it or not.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

LongTallStewie said:


> So I sat her down, explained all this to her. I wrote it down just to make sure I wouldn't miss any points, read it out. She says it's all in my head (so I doubt I'd be able to get her to some kind of counselling.) She thinks she still kisses and cuddles me often enough and that the sex thing is temporary and will return to normal at some point. But I don't agree. It's been declining for years and now it's got to zero. We are no longer a practising married couple. We just exist. Flatmates.
> 
> But she's still my best friend. I get along great with her. I've got no desire to leave her. I'm just worried that I'm gradually starting to resent her. So it's a similar story to quite a few in here, my question is has anybody been able to kick-start their sex life without leaving their partner?


Yes, I have to a degree. Maybe not as far as I ultimately want, but have made great strides. 

It is not necessary to "leave" but it is not possible to fix this until you accept that you are ultimately going to offer her a choice to be part of marriage where both partners get their most important needs met in such a way that satisfies them. If you give her a pass because she's your best friend, you will not fix it.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Just found a success story in another thread.. and sorry low drive spouses... this puts the responsibility on you for denying what is supposed to be in a marriage... Its posted by MGirl in a thread on Being Oversexed. I dont know how to link:



Wow, what timing. DH and I were just talking about this last night!

I have a naturally higher than average sex drive, but it fluctuates immensely. That's just always been normal for me, not oversexed in any sense.

However, as I've talked about before, I was the awful wife who refused sex and intimacy in my marriage for the past 4 years. When I finally came around, realized what I was doing to my husband, and changed several months ago, things changed. I vowed to *never* do anything like that to him again and he forgave me.

The problem? I still haven't forgiven myself. I'm carrying so much guilt over denying him for years, I literally feel like I'm trying to "make up" for 4 years of not meeting his needs. I've put so much pressure on myself, I've essentially become oversexed, I suppose. He's already told me he's forgiven me and we're starting over, but I'm still so focused on all the negative things I did and I'm tying to redeem myself.

I'm pushing myself at a sexual pace that I can't keep up with. Maybe part of it is out of desperation, that I don't want to slip back into who I was before. I have a tendency to swing to extremes. At some point I'm going to have to find a middle ground.
__________________
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde 

I only wish all low drives would read this and see their part in chipping away at what was once part of the relationship.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Been married 3.5 years. Before marriage sex was awesome.
> About 6-8 months in sex started going down hill. For about a year I was lucky to get sex twice per month.
> 
> Now sex is 3-4 per week, wife initiates a lot and shows enthusiasm throughout. I get regular bj's and wife has, after a 3 year break, started swallowing again.
> ...


So the question is what led to this change? Did you change something in the relationship? Or did she have a life change (e.g. less stressful job, etc?)


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I'm a sexless marriage veteran going on 23 years now. I have spent a good many of those years researching and studying sexless marriages. I was a founder of the very first sexless marriage discussion group on the internet back in the 90's (SM-YUKU) and also a founding member of the "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" group over at the Experience Project. So I have read hundreds of stories by people in sexless marriages.

It's complicated but if I had to boil it down to one generalization it is this: if the sexless marriage is being caused by the husband and there has been no sex for a year or more, then the chances are the marriage will remain sexless and this cannot be fixed. This is because the reasons men refuse to have marital sex and the reasons women do are totally different. The reasons women refuse (ie: lack of out of the bedroom intimacy in the relationship) are more easily dealt with in therapy. Not so with men.

There are exceptions to this but in 15 years I have only seen a handful and almost all of those were men who were heavy porn users giving it up and rebuilding a sexual relationship with their wives.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Mr B said:


> I'm a sexless marriage veteran going on 23 years now. I have spent a good many of those years researching and studying sexless marriages. I was a founder of the very first sexless marriage discussion group on the internet back in the 90's (SM-YUKU) and also a founding member of the "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" group over at the Experience Project. So I have read hundreds of stories by people in sexless marriages.
> 
> It's complicated but if I had to boil it down to one generalization it is this: if the sexless marriage is being caused by the husband and there has been no sex for a year or more, then the chances are the marriage will remain sexless and this cannot be fixed. This is because the reasons men refuse to have marital sex and the reasons women do are totally different. The reasons women refuse (ie: lack of out of the bedroom intimacy in the relationship) are more easily dealt with in therapy. Not so with men.
> 
> There are exceptions to this but in 15 years I have only seen a handful and almost all of those were men who were heavy porn users giving it up and rebuilding a sexual relationship with their wives.


Just out of curiosity, what are the reasons you've seen for sexless marriages where the husbands have been the reason and porn hasn't been a factor? I have frankly given up on my husband at this point and can't imagine holding hands much less involving nudity or bodily fluids together. But I've always wondered where it could have all come from...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

By far the biggest one is intimacy anxiety caused by childhood trauma or an inherited anxiety disorder. This is often tough to diagnose because very often this kind of anxiety is subconscious. But it can cause the man to lose his sexual desire once relationships start getting serious. The symptoms are a sudden uneasy feeling during sex, penis feeling numb, loss of the ability to ejaculate during manual, oral or vaginal stimulation, a loss of erection and a total loss of desire for the partner which is usually permanent.

If the couple does seek help for these problems very often the therapist misses the root cause and attempts to treat the lack of desire, erectile or ejaculation difficulties and treatment almost always fails.

Another sad thing about intimacy anxiety is different men have different "tipping points" when they begin to lose their desire. Very often when a relationship is new the buzz of having sex in a new relationship can overshadow the anxiety. Then, sometime after the couple have gotten married the relationship becomes sexless because the man can no longer perform sexually because the anxiety has risen to the point where it starts effecting his ability to function sexually. This is why so many stories from sexually refused wives start with something like "when we first got married (or first started dating) the sex was great then, after the wedding......" The sad part being many wives get caught by surprise with no inkling that there is a sexual problem before she ties the knot. 

However, the man also has no idea what is going on either so he cannot be blamed for marrying under false pretenses which is a complaint often heard on many sexless marriage groups. Even if he suffered problems before with someone else, not knowing what it is he will usually blame the partner, always believing the next partner will be the one that turns him on enough to have a normal long term sexual relationship.

But more likely the sexual dysfunctions start after just a few sexual encounters and may get worse over weeks or months and are obvious long before any marriage plans take place.

He can masturbate alone with no problem because he finds it anxiety and stress free and many turn to this in preference to partner sex. Or, they find that as long as they can keep a lover at arms length they can function sexually so they have a series of brief affairs never letting those relationships get serious.

For most of the sexual intimacy anxiety based problems there are other, non sexual signs you can look for. Often these men are loners, have few friends, like being alone a lot, prefer to do everything themselves without any help from others, especially other males, They are definitely not team players and often prefer jobs where they can work alone or in small groups. Many of them suffer from low self esteem depending on the type and severity of the trauma in the family of origin. They usually have a history of either no close relationships or many short term relationships with others.

There are other kinds of anxiety and personality disorders that cause sexual dysfunctions. And there are also physical problems such a diabetes or being overweight that will do it. And of course, heavy porn use and masturbation will do it too except that these are almost always symptoms of another type of disorder related to anxiety and low levels of dopamine in the brain. All this information is pretty easy to find online.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

That's actually pretty consistent with what I've assumed at this point. In the absence of any physical or porn related problems, and an omnipresent "personality order" that he refuses treatment for, I had pretty much identified his anxiety as the root of it all. I suppose it's more or less academic at this point, but information always helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I wouldnt give up if I were you. I cant claim to have studied this or any experience with it. But if there is no physical problem I am sure the 'intimacy anxiety' can be cured. I dont know if you have posted elsewhere your personal problems but I am sure if you do someone here can help.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Our marriage wasn't sexless but we certainly got to the point where our sex-life was strained. As a high-drive wife, this really became an issue for me. We did still have affection and loving intimacy but the sex was lacking. I kept trying, was initiating, and things weren't improving as a result. I expressed to him that what was happening was a big issue to me and how I felt. This triggered him into action - he couldn't really understand it either. He went to the doctor and had his T tested. There was no ED but he'd been reading online and trying to figure out why he wasn't all over me. So this was how he first dealt with it. He knew he was still physically attracted. The results came back that he was on the lower side of normal.

We then continued to try to figure out what was going on. And we just couldn't see it for what it was ourselves. There was an emotional disconnect happening and this was affecting our sex life. 

A lot of this was related to his childhood and certain behavioral patterns formed. I had to take a look at myself too. It was extremely frustrating for me at first as I was told we couldn't put the cart before the horse. The emotional side had to come first (no pun intended). He made it clear to me that he would be making these changes for himself, regardless. We both swallowed our ego's and waded through muddied water together. We were becoming aware of patterns of behavior (through short-term counseling) that we otherwise would have been unaware of. I mean, we might have just recognized that we frustrated each other - me unintentionally not fulfilling his emotional needs, and him unintentionally not fulfilling my/our sexual needs. 

Once we broke through to the bigger picture of things that needed addressing (beyond our sex life), the sex started to flow again. Flirtation, passion, and wonderful sex! It wasn't easy to get there but our relationship is stronger for it. Of course, we're still living with a healthy awareness everyday. This is a good thing. 

I also re-discovered that he enjoys a tease, some challenge (not ALL of the time, but some) and he likes subtlety. It seems obvious to me now that I've gone through this, for my own situation I mean, but at the time it was almost as if the more I wanted us to be sexual the more intense and obvious I was about it in my approach. This was just adding pressure to the situation and not producing the desired result. I calmed this side of myself, took a step back and remembered perhaps how I used to be .....but now better  So he again, initiates. A lot. He tells me what he wants (which I LOVE) and is letting his deviant side come out to play. Yay!

When we were just coming out of the midst of it all, I caught him masterbating to porn. I know this wasn't a factor in why we'd gotten to our state of things this year. I calmly said that if we were to really help our marriage, he needed to come to me instead. He apologized and was very embarrassed. I think he felt he'd really set us back. I asked to see what he was looking at. He showed me. I said "Is that all?" and giggled. Then I told him that I wanted him to come to me when he felt the urge, even if it wasn't going to be sex (this was a quick morning session), and that it didn't even need to be mutual, that I was fine with that. 

Later that day, he thanked me for how I handled it and told me which position he wanted me in later that night. He said what happened had helped him feel more trust in me. I guess it was him feeling vulnerable and realizing I wouldn't turn my back on him. Since then, he has taken me up on my offer. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes it's just about him, sometimes it's just about me. 

But all of these things combined (gosh, there's a lot really!) - repairing the slight emotional disconnect; dealing with behavioral patterns from childhood; self reflection and adjustment; remembering how to seduce, and beyond the physical; allowing each other to be vulnerable; recognizing that sex is important to BOTH of us and we both want and deserve to share this; dealing with all of these things has gotten us back on track. 

He initiates most of the time now and it's almost like the changes he's made alone as a man, have made him able to again be free with me, sexually. 

I'll be honest, it wasn't easy but once I calmed my hormones and made a conscious decision to put my best foot forward, I was in for the long haul again. Which of course then, was also just what we needed.

I hope this makes sense.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ I wrote a freaking novel. Sorry.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I thought so too. It sounds too good to be true.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

accept said:


> I thought so too. It sounds too good to be true.


I don't understand your comment. Help me out?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

We recovered. My husband does everything under the sun to make sure I'm happy. He has always put my needs before his. I truly did not understand how important sex was to a man until my own sex drive kicked in. I'm in my mid-late 30's and I need sex daily. I need to he cuddled and affection daily, I get that from him. I need to please my husband as well. We were headed for a sexless marriage, especially after I broke my neck. I have severe pain issues I need to deal with. We went almost a year(8 months?) without sex. Before that, it was 1-2 times a month if that after my injury occurred. It's been almost 4 years since my injury. I promised my husband we'd never head down that sexless path again. I've even learned to enjoy giving him oral as well! To the best of my ability anyway.

I do know you can recover from a sexless marriage. It takes work from both parties. In order for your wife to truly get into it, you must meet her needs first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*
Originally Posted by accept 
I thought so too. It sounds too good to be true.
I don't understand your comment. Help me out?*
Meaning what you wrote was a 'novel' not in real life.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LongTallStewie said:


> But she's still my best friend. I get along great with her. I've got no desire to leave her. I'm just worried that I'm gradually starting to resent her. So it's a similar story to quite a few in here, my question is has anybody been able to kick-start their sex life without leaving their partner?


I think that there's always some amount of hopefulness for positive improvement if BOTH of you are willing to work at your marriage and are willing to try and make each other a priority, and if at least one of you is willing to put yourself out there and be the first one to start the process off.

Is your wife onboard with improving your marriage? If so, you are over one of the biggest hurdles.

Are you willing to be the one to put yourself out there and start the process going?

Best wishes.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

My belief is that a lot of sexless marriages CAN be solved IF both spouses remain committed.

Takes time, takes change, takes pressure, takes backing-off, takes communication, takes patience and takes empathy.

So is a TOUGH road for both spouses to take. I've never worked so hard in my life trying to fix this. Now I'm coasting it's up to my wife from here on out.

But the answer to the OP's question is yes some sexless marriages do in fact recover and end up better afterwards. My own marriage I feel is about 90% of the way to recovery after a little over two years. My wife and I will solve this one day. Soon. I put her in charge of the recovery. She is responding.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Mr B said:


> I'm a sexless marriage veteran going on 23 years now. I have spent a good many of those years researching and studying sexless marriages. I was a founder of the very first sexless marriage discussion group on the internet back in the 90's (SM-YUKU) and also a founding member of the "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" group over at the Experience Project. So I have read hundreds of stories by people in sexless marriages.
> 
> It's complicated but if I had to boil it down to one generalization it is this: if the sexless marriage is being caused by the husband and there has been no sex for a year or more, then the chances are the marriage will remain sexless and this cannot be fixed. This is because the reasons men refuse to have marital sex and the reasons women do are totally different. The reasons women refuse (ie: lack of out of the bedroom intimacy in the relationship) are more easily dealt with in therapy. Not so with men.
> 
> There are exceptions to this but in 15 years I have only seen a handful and almost all of those were men who were heavy porn users giving it up and rebuilding a sexual relationship with their wives.


As a wife who is in a six-year sexless marriage, this information is very interesting to me. Are you saying that if the husband is responsible for the lack of sex and if the husband has a heavy interest in porn, that overcoming that addiction could bring the sex back into the marriage? Porn has been an issue from the get-go, my marriage has been struggling for years, it has recently hit rock bottom and has left me more confused than I have ever been in my entire life! I look foward to hearing about your study. Thank you.


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## husband1987 (Dec 13, 2011)

Dang this sucks. I've been married for barely a year and my wife says all the same things. We are only 24 and have sex maybe once a month. She hates when I bring it up and says that it is all I care about. Can't believe I can look forward to a life without passion.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

accept said:


> *
> Originally Posted by accept
> I thought so too. It sounds too good to be true.
> I don't understand your comment. Help me out?*
> Meaning what you wrote was a 'novel' not in real life.


I meant a novel because of the size. 

I did not mean fictional. I find that comment offensive. It isn't always easy for me to share here. But I have posted a glimpse of what we went through in case it helps someone else and their perspective. It was many evenings spent in tears, hard emotional conversations, I had one foot out the door, we talked about separating, it became a much bigger view of our marriage. I could not write what we learned (and still learning), if we hadn't experienced it. We both made a conscious decision to do the best we could, which meant swallowing ego etc. to get to a place where we could learn about ourselves, each other, and what was best for us as and the relationship. This was not easy. I think it's helped that we obviously had a good foundation to begin with. I was a mess of confusion. This was not too good to be true. This was a crappy bump in our marriage that took a lot for us to not only overcome but get stronger with.

And the best thing I did was to slow my thinking and allow my mind to be back in the relationship. I'm so thankful that we didn't let go of this amazing relationship. It would have been the biggest mistake of my / our lives. So I don't mean to wrap things up a neat bow, I didn't think I had by saying it wasn't easy, but if your marriage has something worth fighting for - don't give up easily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

husband1987 said:


> Dang this sucks. I've been married for barely a year and my wife says all the same things. We are only 24 and have sex maybe once a month. She hates when I bring it up and says that it is all I care about. Can't believe I can look forward to a life without passion.


Yup I once a month is 5x what I'm getting right now.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

_Originally Posted by accept 
I thought so too. It sounds too good to be true.
I don't understand your comment. Help me out?
Meaning what you wrote was a 'novel' not in real life.
I meant a novel because of the size. 

I did not mean fictional. I find that comment offensive. _
Sorry that was my misunderstanding.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

tigger01 said:


> As a wife who is in a six-year sexless marriage, this information is very interesting to me. Are you saying that if the husband is responsible for the lack of sex and if the husband has a heavy interest in porn, that overcoming that addiction could bring the sex back into the marriage? Porn has been an issue from the get-go, my marriage has been struggling for years, it has recently hit rock bottom and has left me more confused than I have ever been in my entire life! I look foward to hearing about your study. Thank you.


Yes and no. Heavy porn use is always a symptom of something else- low self esteem, sexual anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, various attachment and personality disorders, performance anxiety, sexual dysfunctions during partner sex, sexual boredom and bad interpersonal relations to name a few.

So it depends on which of these root causes has created a preference for porn over partner sex. Some are easier to fix in therapy than others. Psychological problems, if they are rooted in childhood are almost impossible to fix. Interpersonal problems with the spouse are easier.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

A marriage is not supposed to be a prison.

It's supposed to be a partnership.

There are remedies both legal and religious if you are enprisoned in your marriage..


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

husband1987 said:


> Dang this sucks. I've been married for barely a year and my wife says all the same things. We are only 24 and have sex maybe once a month. She hates when I bring it up and says that it is all I care about. Can't believe I can look forward to a life without passion.


Read Married Man Sex Life - Athol Kay. He is actually a frequent poster on this site. his whole book is about this very subject. It's a really useful book. 

Do not under any circumstances have kids until you get this resolved. Divorce is one thing with no kids. With kids? the court system will make you wish you were dead. Men do not fair well in divorce court.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I Know said:


> Read Married Man Sex Life - Athol Kay. He is actually a frequent poster on this site. his whole book is about this very subject. It's a really useful book.


I spent an hour on that website and it was depressing. I didn't realize what a childish idealist I am. What a reality check.

If I thought my wife was as shallow as the fictitious disinterested woman Kay is helping men with, I'd remove my ring and see my attorney. Marriage shouldn't be like that.


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## LongTallStewie (Dec 5, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies on this thread, they've been an eye opener. Somebody asked earlier if my wife wanted to work at this, like I said I've already tried to speak to her about it but she doesn't think there is a problem (which actually makes me think it's hormonal as if there is an imbalance people don't actually notice that sex is missing.)

However, I now have a window in my life of 6 weeks.... she's due to pop the baby any day now (although using sex to induce the baby has been discounted... by her.) Doing nothing isn't an option - it hasn't worked up to now. I see my only option is to follow Married Man Sex Life, it's not to everybody's liking but I found myself wondering if somebody had read my mind... it was like my autobiography. I've been blaming her for a lot of this, I now realised that it's also me. So I'm going to give it a go, hopefully after the baby is born she'll find me more attractive and can't wait to jump into bed with me. If not, well I'm going to start to look for a way out. I could probably do without the sex but not the intimacy.

Thanks guys, and I'll stick around. What a great forum!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I know...lack of sex can make men insane. I know it, I do.

You need to be a man - and that means being the strong one here. You are both having a baby and you my fine friend, and not going to be the center of attention for a long time. You need to warm up to that idea, but it is not a bad thing - it is as it should be in fact. Let me try to explain.

She will come around once she realizes that you are investing yourself into your family without reservation. 'Exit strategy' are you effing kidding me? You think that doesnt show? You think it doesnt poison your relationship? That baby is going to be the center of your worlds for a while - throw yourself into it and drink it in. Help out - be the one to be counted on. Yeah, you want a BJ and a cuddle but what you are going to get is 3:00am feeding duty and a crappy diaper - thats part of what fathering is about.

Seriously - I am not trying to lecture here. Really I am not, but the job at hand is to be the rock, the foundation of a family right now and your dithering on the long term viability of the relationship is just so off the mark its insane. This is your chance, your opportunity to shine - hear me - to be a rock star husband and father. The question is, are you up to the challenge? THAT is the question, and has nothing to do with your wifes ability to 'admit' there is a problem right about now. Believe me, she has plenty on her mind - including your petty little demands. OK, sorry that was uncalled for - they are not petty - they are in fact important - but they SHOULD take a back seat.

It is easy to bail. The payoff only comes after the hard work however. Believe me, the payoff for putting your family first will make you a very happy man, and your wife a very happy woman, and your children very happy kids. Dont give up when you are being put to the test. You need to make this decision and put yourself into it, or not.

8 years after our 2 kids were born, the sex life has been better than it has ever been before, no lie. Married for 20 yrs.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LongTallStewie said:


> Thanks for all the replies on this thread, they've been an eye opener. Somebody asked earlier if my wife wanted to work at this, like I said I've already tried to speak to her about it but she doesn't think there is a problem (which actually makes me think it's hormonal as if there is an imbalance people don't actually notice that sex is missing.)
> 
> However, I now have a window in my life of 6 weeks.... she's due to pop the baby any day now (although using sex to induce the baby has been discounted... by her.) Doing nothing isn't an option - it hasn't worked up to now. I see my only option is to follow Married Man Sex Life, it's not to everybody's liking but I found myself wondering if somebody had read my mind... it was like my autobiography. I've been blaming her for a lot of this, I now realised that it's also me. So I'm going to give it a go, hopefully after the baby is born she'll find me more attractive and can't wait to jump into bed with me. If not, well I'm going to start to look for a way out. I could probably do without the sex but not the intimacy.
> 
> Thanks guys, and I'll stick around. What a great forum!


The swing in hormones during pregnancy and post-partum can depress libido in some women for up to two years after birth. Part of that is simply a biological fact of nature - a woman needs the energy reserves to care for the infant and another pregnancy too soon puts both her and the baby at greater jeopardy. Nature's birth control, if you will.

However, if your wife is truly committed to you and the marriage she would be willing to help you out, as we have a choice in our lives as to whether we are going to let 'nature's birth control' control us. If she's not willing, then I think there are more relational issues involved other than sex.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

LongTallStewie said:


> I see my only option is to follow Married Man Sex Life, it's not to everybody's liking but I found myself wondering if somebody had read my mind... it was like my autobiography.


Do the book. Your marriage does not have to be on life support for the methods described by Kay to work. My 24yr marriage has always been good. Sex was good and I always got it once or twice a week. But my wife never, ever initiated it. Sometimes she acted like it was a chore. 

I read the book. And after upping the sexual banter and playfulness. And after getting P-O'd at her because she somehow always had time to feed the cat, clean up it's crap and barf. And somehow she always had enough energy to go to church on time and put on a big smile for everyone, yet was somehow too tired for a 15 minute trip to the bedroom. after just simply admitting to myself that sex was a HUGE priority for me and telling her, my wife has a completely new attitude towards sex and me. She now demands that we stick to our sex schedule. When we cannot make our "date", she starts grilling me on "when are we going to take care of business".

I have changed also. I am taking charge of the kids and setting direction for them much more frequently now. I am telling my wife that she WILL stay home and get some rest and I will pick up the kids from wherever they are. I am telling the kids what time they have to be home from their friends house. I often text wife during the day about what I think we should do about dinner. SHE HATES TRYING TO DECIDE THAT. She will gladly go out to Taco Bell or cook tacos at home or whatever. As long as I can sell the kids on it. These are things that any man can do. These are not signs of weakness. They are signs of a man with a plan. My wife loves it when I have a roadmap laid out for how things should be. 

There are a lot of good ideas on how to MAN UP in the book. The changes I have made in my behavior has rekindled the wife's attraction to me I believe. 

The book recommends going to the gym and losing weight, getting a better wardrobe. Sure, I bought a few new pieces of clothes. But I really didn't have to change that much. All I did was make myself the boss of the family. Became a leader. Not a jerk. Women will not follow the lead of an *ss. A leader just sets direction and helps everyone on the team work towards achieving that direction.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I Know said:


> Do the book. Your marriage does not have to be on life support for the methods described by Kay to work. My 24yr marriage has always been good. Sex was good and I always got it once or twice a week. But my wife never, ever initiated it. Sometimes she acted like it was a chore.
> 
> I read the book. And after upping the sexual banter and playfulness. And after getting P-O'd at her because she somehow always had time to feed the cat, clean up it's crap and barf. And somehow she always had enough energy to go to church on time and put on a big smile for everyone, yet was somehow too tired for a 15 minute trip to the bedroom. after just simply admitting to myself that sex was a HUGE priority for me and telling her, my wife has a completely new attitude towards sex and me. She now demands that we stick to our sex schedule. When we cannot make our "date", she starts grilling me on "when are we going to take care of business".
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Leadership and being the rock is a key component. Sooner or later the wife will realize what she has. Some take longer than others to feel it again sexually. The key is to be patient and persistent. It really does boil down to becoming a better you.


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## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

LongTallStewie said:


> Thanks for all the replies on this thread, they've been an eye opener. Somebody asked earlier if my wife wanted to work at this, like I said I've already tried to speak to her about it but she doesn't think there is a problem (which actually makes me think it's hormonal as if there is an imbalance people don't actually notice that sex is missing.)
> 
> However, I now have a window in my life of 6 weeks.... she's due to pop the baby any day now (although using sex to induce the baby has been discounted... by her.) Doing nothing isn't an option - it hasn't worked up to now. I see my only option is to follow Married Man Sex Life, it's not to everybody's liking but I found myself wondering if somebody had read my mind... it was like my autobiography. I've been blaming her for a lot of this, I now realised that it's also me. So I'm going to give it a go, hopefully after the baby is born she'll find me more attractive and can't wait to jump into bed with me. If not, well I'm going to start to look for a way out. I could probably do without the sex but not the intimacy.
> 
> Thanks guys, and I'll stick around. What a great forum!


I have a 4 year old child and our relationship has been sexless since we started our fertility-treatments (5½ years). We're giving it one more try, but if it doesn't push us forward, we're going to separate. This is the plan I made with our last therapist in a solo session (to stay together until our child is 4-5 yrs. old) two years ago and I'm proud to have stuck to it. When I look back at these sexless years, they've been tormenting, agonizing years on some level. But, I do not regret doing this. I've done all this for myself but also for my child and that makes every agonizing moment worth it. 

Even with our conflicts we have been able to provide a secure home for the little one and as far it comes to parenting, I couldn't imagine there being anyone I could respect or trust more than my wife. She's an amazing mother. And the connection I have with my son today is just something that no money can ever buy. I wish I could say that I'd do anything for him, but I can't. I can't remain in an unhappy relationship to offer him a stable home, and I know I'm going to put him through a lot of hurt by shattering his world. That's something I have to live with, so I want to be absolutely sure that there is no other way. 

What I'm trying to say is that if you see any possibility of coping for a few years and sticking with your family, give it a chance. Parenting is a different experience for everyone and opinions do vary, but building a deep emotional connection with your child and being there for the first years is something you only get this one chance at. And who knows, maybe your relationship gets another chance too. Though I'd suggest not making any more babies before the sex part is worked heavily on (and some actual progress is made = more than words and promises). 

Best wishes,
Heidi


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## LongTallStewie (Dec 5, 2011)

*anotherguy* I guess I deserve this coming on and internet forum, you don't know the full story only what I've revealed so far. This isn't my first kid so I know the script. I also love being a dad, I'm not the type to up and leave them. Given the circumstances, I'm more likely to stay and she'll be the one moving out. But as I said, my first priority is to try and give it a go.

*I Know* thanks

*Rainbow_Dazed* My kids are older than yours and things started going downhill before the first was conceived! And agreed, no more babies!


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## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

*LongTallStewie* - I'm sorry, I got slammed against language barrier and misunderstood what you wrote. Best wishes to you!


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

You're not alone. My wife and I have been married about the same amount of time. We've had many talks about my needs and nothing ever really changes. There's no passion, no sex drive. She's very attractive, I've been told that I'm good looking- but the chemistry is gone. If there's an answer to this, I'm open.......On my end, it's turning into resentment for sure. It's a circle. I can't give emotionally when she's not giving physically. When one is not giving, the other stops. It goes round and round.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would say no. You might try periodic 'reboots' but if you're the one who was denied before you'll be the one who's denied again. She (or he) will soon go back to zilchtown. My wife said a long long time ago she was done, over and out and unless I was willing to 100% of the work 100% of time while she laid there dead with her eyes closed after permitting 'sex' 1 time out 50 or so then that's that.


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## CleverFool (Jul 30, 2011)

*Here's An Eye-Opener ...*

*http://www.asexuality.org/home/*

Too bad for those who find out too late ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Here's An Eye-Opener ...*



CleverFool said:


> *http://www.asexuality.org/home/*
> 
> Too bad for those who find out too late ...


Ok so I checked out the site... all i can say is that there are some very strange people.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I showed that to my wife. I was hoping it would irritate her and spark a fight. All I got was an eyeroll. So I'm thinking, yes, there's all kinds of people like that out there like that. 

I would also add another behavioral dimension - that is - people who genuinely asexual are either incapable or unwilling to fake it even a little bit. It's like asking them to suddenly speak Portuguese.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I showed that to my wife. I was hoping it would irritate her and spark a fight. All I got was an eyeroll. So I'm thinking, yes, there's all kinds of people like that out there like that.
> 
> I would also add another behavioral dimension - that is - people who genuinely asexual are either incapable or unwilling to fake it even a little bit. It's like asking them to suddenly speak Portuguese.


Runs like dog:
A friend of a friend.... is now getting divorced. She "decided" 8 years ago that she no longer wanted to have sex, and that was that. I found out yesterday, her husband came HERE for advice last year, and he ended up moving out. Although seperated, they don't plan on divorcing. But he is now dating.

I know this woman, as a casual acquaintance. I never pushed being friends with her because of the negative comments she had about men. I still think there is something "amiss" in someone to have zero sex drive. It's just not right. Medical or mental.

@ OP:
My own personal comment to whether or not anyone recovers, I will say that my husband and I are trying, and successful, so far. The problems are on the table. Being addressed. He has come very very far out of his shell. It has been hard work for both of us. 

I personally believe that a lack of sex is a sympton, not the problem. However, for some people it's medical and that needs to be fixed first. Eliminate that, and there are issues there that need to be resolved. JMO.

Congrats on the baby (soon) and enjoy!!


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## LongTallStewie (Dec 5, 2011)

deejov said:


> @ OP:
> My own personal comment to whether or not anyone recovers, I will say that my husband and I are trying, and successful, so far. The problems are on the table. Being addressed. He has come very very far out of his shell. It has been hard work for both of us.
> 
> I personally believe that a lack of sex is a sympton, not the problem. However, for some people it's medical and that needs to be fixed first. Eliminate that, and there are issues there that need to be resolved. JMO.
> ...


Good to hear, there are quite a few stories coming out on here so it's given me a bit of hope, enough to give me a bit of drive to try something.

As for the baby, she's at the really fed up stage and just wants it over and done with so I suggested that sex is a great way to bring on labour.... wasn't interested!


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## mafb74 (Dec 19, 2011)

My situation is actually almost identical to LongTallStewie's situation minus the kids. You may not have noticed it but maybe a few things changed in your relationship outside of the kids and the reduction in sexual intamacy. I am going through the same thing and I know that there are a number of factors that may be contributing to my lack of sexual intimacy with my wife. Is your wife happy with your body and appearance. I know that my wife is unhappy with your physical appearance and made it known to me before. She has gained some weight over the years, but she still looks great to me. I still find your sexually attractive and tell her this as often as I can. Sadly I don't think she believes me. Your wife may be unhappy about some other aspect of your life which you may not be aware of.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Interesting that no one has pointed out that the OP's wife was willing to have sex with him (however infrequently) when she wanted to have a child.

OP: why on earth did you agree to have sex with this woman unprotected during the fertile time? If you haven't noticed by now, you need to see that she's playing you. I don't say this to beat up on you. But, you need to understand that this was a really poor decision on your part (to have sex under those circumstances). If you are so hooked on her validation of your sexuality as to accept sex on those terms then you really need to work on your self-esteem and understand you deserve (and can get) better.

Your approach at this point needs to be that she's capable of doing it to suit her needs then she can do it to suit your needs as well. Also (and I hate to sound prick-ish about this) you needs to make her aware that if you leave over this it won't be some dream world where she has the kids and a large support check from you. Your position should be that if you leave over this the kids are coming with you if you can absolutely help it. You'll be doing them a favor.


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## MAP (Dec 18, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Been married 3.5 years. Before marriage sex was awesome.
> About 6-8 months in sex started going down hill. For about a year I was lucky to get sex twice per month.
> 
> Now sex is 3-4 per week, wife initiates a lot and shows enthusiasm throughout. I get regular bj's and wife has, after a 3 year break, started swallowing again.
> ...


SockPuppet that is remarkable! Please tell us how you were able to achieve this success.


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## ChangingMind (Dec 19, 2011)

LongTall, I'm a woman whose husband has virtually no libido. We found out after I insisted that he go see several doctors that there's a medical problem. Now, he has medicine to take in order to regain that which he had lost. The problem is, he doesn't care to take the medicine. It's okay with him to be a man who doesn't reach over for his wife laying next to him, nor has he, for years.

This has been going on for 15 years now. It really hasn't gotten better, despite many talks, and frankly, tantrums on my part. I think that people who marry and then deny that their spouse has needs that only they can meet are infinitely selfish. Tonight, I'm kicking him out of the bedroom. 

I hope that you get your situation worked out. If you don't, you may wind up like me 15 years later, and have quite a bit of anger in your heart over this.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Wow, sorry to hear about your experience, OP. I'm in a similar situation. My wife, for the most part (barring depressive episode), had a healthy sex drive. Then she got pregnant and was afraid of having sex, because she was convinced it would end in a miscarriage, despite doctors saying it was ok. That was the first 9 months. Now the child is 10 months old and she still refuses sexual intimacy because her hormones are out of whack as she puts it. She shudders when I touch her, so now I rarely even give her a peck on the forehead. I'm still attracted to her, but almost don't want to be. I look away when she comes out of the shower nude. 

I've sat her down and had the talk, but it hasn't gotten us anywhere. Patience only seems to prolong this. I love her, but do feel like I'm growing apart from her as a husband. We have our moments, but can't help but feel resentful that she doesn't seem to care that I'm suffering. She's fine as long as I'm a great dad (which I am), help around the house (which I do), and provide her emotional support. I've received lots of support and advice her, but when it seems to look like we're making progress toward intimacy, we take two steps back. 

Once again, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope for my sake and yours, that I have better news for you in the near future.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

JoeHenderson said:


> Wow, sorry to hear about your experience, OP. I'm in a similar situation. My wife, for the most part (barring depressive episode), had a healthy sex drive. Then she got pregnant and was afraid of having sex, because she was convinced it would end in a miscarriage, despite doctors saying it was ok. That was the first 9 months. Now the child is 10 months old and she still refuses sexual intimacy because her hormones are out of whack as she puts it. She shudders when I touch her, so now I rarely even give her a peck on the forehead. I'm still attracted to her, but almost don't want to be. I look away when she comes out of the shower nude.
> 
> I've sat her down and had the talk, but it hasn't gotten us anywhere. Patience only seems to prolong this. I love her, but do feel like I'm growing apart from her as a husband. We have our moments, but can't help but feel resentful that she doesn't seem to care that I'm suffering. She's fine as long as I'm a great dad (which I am), help around the house (which I do), and provide her emotional support. I've received lots of support and advice her, but when it seems to look like we're making progress toward intimacy, we take two steps back.
> 
> Once again, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope for my sake and yours, that I have better news for you in the near future.


If you have truly tried to address this, perhaps you need to dial back on the help around the house and providing her emotional support. You can't and presumably don't want to stop being a great dad, but right now you are communicating by your actions that her conduct is acceptable. You probably need to change that.


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## Davey Jones Locker (Dec 23, 2011)

yes how did you achieve this bro?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I haven't read any of the responses, but the short answer is YES! My hubby and I had a dry spell for about a year or two (sex once every 3 months or so) and we are better than ever now, thanks to MC.


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

Mr B said:


> By far the biggest one is intimacy anxiety caused by childhood trauma or an inherited anxiety disorder. This is often tough to diagnose because very often this kind of anxiety is subconscious. But it can cause the man to lose his sexual desire once relationships start getting serious. The symptoms are a sudden uneasy feeling during sex, penis feeling numb, loss of the ability to ejaculate during manual, oral or vaginal stimulation, a loss of erection and a total loss of desire for the partner which is usually permanent.
> 
> If the couple does seek help for these problems very often the therapist misses the root cause and attempts to treat the lack of desire, erectile or ejaculation difficulties and treatment almost always fails.
> YEP
> ...


I tried to find info online about this, but most is about addiction,
not focused on intimacy anxiety. Anyone there that can help me out to find info?
Anyone in this situation?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Mr B said:


> By far the biggest one is intimacy anxiety caused by childhood trauma or an inherited anxiety disorder. This is often tough to diagnose because very often this kind of anxiety is subconscious. But it can cause the man to lose his sexual desire once relationships start getting serious. The symptoms are a sudden uneasy feeling during sex, penis feeling numb, loss of the ability to ejaculate during manual, oral or vaginal stimulation, a loss of erection and a total loss of desire for the partner which is usually permanent.
> 
> If the couple does seek help for these problems very often the therapist misses the root cause and attempts to treat the lack of desire, erectile or ejaculation difficulties and treatment almost always fails.
> 
> ...


Wow. You have described my husband to a T. Problem is, how do I get him to understand this before it is too late???? You are right that counseling doesn't seem to get to the root of the problem.


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