# separated form me out of the blue :(



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

*separated form me out of the blue  *UPDATE**

In the process of moving from GA to SC my husband 
of 10years separated from me out of the blue.He got himself an apartment there and while he was waiting for me and his little 2 girls to arrive he says he discovered that he is happy on his own,no stress no anxiety.
I'm devastated and hurt beyond words,lost 13 pounds on 25 days and i was already skinny.I do not look healthy now and i need to take care of my 5 and 1 years old girls.

We did have some problems in the past 1.5 years before that but it was because he lied to me repeatedly and i was upset at him,we were still talking to each other and decided to make a move to SC to rediscover ourselves and fix our marriage ,we had an agreement that we will see a counselor when we move....we had plans to fix the mess....
He moved there and started hanging out with his college BF and his friends so i guess single life was appealing to him.He swears there are not women involved whatsoever,he does not want to be in a relationship and his is happy on his own.He says he just misses his kids.
Meanwhile i realized my mistakes ,i promised him the world since then,i have been so traumatized that i changed but he doesn't seem to believe that people change because he says that it is hard for him to change who he is.I told him to give me a chance so he can see himself that i am changed.
I have the option to go near close family in GA i will be way better off there because i have the support rather that going to SC where i only have him, but i'm thinking of my oldest Daughter that wants to be around her daddy.
He says he will really try to see if he wants us to be back together and wants to date me but not to keep my hopes up . He went to see a counselor and is open to go as couple but i just have the feeling that he is doing is so everyone can see that he did it.
He calls me every day,some calls are good some not so much.It seems like he is very confused.This morning he told me "i think it'll work honey" but than he keeps going on telling me how happy he is on his own .So hurtful.I'm scared of what is going to happen when we move there in 3 days.I'm not healthy I'm on anxiety medication as I mentioned i do not look healthy,the last thing in my mind is to look sexy and happy so he can see that girl that he met 10 years ago...how am i supposed to that.

What do you guys think,anyone been it similar situation?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you know anything about his childhood?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I would have asked him what her name is. And what changes are you supposed to make? No changes for him?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

He was the most wonderful husband ,except that he lied about a lot of things ,big ones and minor ones and that created friction between us but we had amazing days and our marriage was not bad at all.

He tells me there is no woman involved , he wants to take me out on Feb 14th for a date.I would think if he was involved with someone he would have pretended that is working that day and wouldn't take me out. He says that he is just happy on his own with his byke.

His childhood was great as every normal childhood,mom and dad together...nothing there that would create a problem now.


he says that i was never happy with anything and he felt unhappy 4 yrs now now,which bummed me completely than i told him that in my opinion the problems started after he started buying bykes while i was pregnant which was 1.5 yrs ago... than he sad"ohhh yeah you might be right ,it wasn't 4 yrs ago it was since the bykes" ???!!!
It's like he is trying to find reasons for his decision or something.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Motorcycles?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

yes he bought 2 bikes in a matter of 2 months while i was pregnant .He never cared to ease me into buying them ,i have always been against him getting a bike ,i've told him this since we got married .
I was pregnant vulnerable and hormonal of course and he decided to buy them anyway even though he knew he would hurt me....just because he wanted them,he could have waited at least until after i had the baby so he doesn't upset me but selfishly enough he didn't care. He told me he is buying a byke and 3 weeks later he got it,the second one he bought and tried to lie and hide it from me.but i'm a detective soul and found out about it,i was hurt and upset.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I really don't believe there isn't another woman involved.

I would leave the kids with family and show up with a suit case and sit down for some LONG LONG talks and even a couple sessions before I would even consider moving. 

I am in the middle of repairing my marriage and it really does take an equal effort and commitment on both parts to work things out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Vivea,

I had a spouse who told me she wouldn't tolerate me buying a motorcycle.

I ended up divorced from her.

People need to be free to make their own mistakes.

Did "when" he bought the motorcycle really matter?


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Vivea,
> 
> I had a spouse who told me she wouldn't tolerate me buying a motorcycle.
> 
> ...


I pretty much disagree with all of this. While I do think people should be allowed to make their own mistakes. This was a completely selfish act on his part. 

When my husband and I read threw love busters he recognized his "announcement" to buy a can-am spyder was a love buster because it was a selfish act. He didn't discuss it with me, didn't take into account that it made me worry for his safety or that we didn't have a 2nd vehicle for him to transport the children if we needed to. It hurt my feelings, it made me feel like my concerns didn't count for anything so what was the point of me caring about him so much?

I just think big decisions like this should be discussed before decisions are made.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

After he bought his 1st byke i was bitter for 2 months than i realized that i do not want to live my life like that and i need peace for the sake of my baby (i was still pregnant) so i started supporting him with the byke hobby...2 weeks later i find out that he bought another one after promising that he would never lie to me about anything and he would always involve me with decisions for big purchases. now after all this has happened i have forgiven him ,i now promised him that i will forget all the bitterness and will support his desires of buying "toys" if that is so important to him.
He doesn't care now and i think that he just likes single life and is trying to find reasons for leaving me.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well I'm moving to SC tomorrow,he is coming to help out. 
In the last few days he said he realized that he is not happy with himself and he needs time to heal and i should know by March if he wants to be back with me(the lease of his apartment is till March 31st). He realized he has some problems with lying and said he will address that with the counselor . He tells me he is committed to try for our marriage.The conversations on the phone are very hard and distant ,the tone of his voice is really cold....never heard him speaking like that to anyone ever.I hope that if he sees me more often now in SC he will be able to find his way back to me.
I can only hope at that point that he is telling me the truth.

It's just hard to be rejected by your loved one in such selfish way,i pray every day that I survive all this.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

vivea said:


> Well I'm moving to SC tomorrow,he is coming to help out.
> In the last few days he said he realized that he is not happy with himself and he needs time to heal and i should know by March if he wants to be back with me(the lease of his apartment is till March 31st). He realized he has some problems with lying and said he will address that with the counselor . He tells me he is committed to try for our marriage.The conversations on the phone are very hard and distant ,the tone of his voice is really cold....never heard him speaking like that to anyone ever.I hope that if he sees me more often now in SC he will be able to find his way back to me.
> I can only hope at that point that he is telling me the truth.
> 
> It's just hard to be rejected by your loved one in such selfish way,i pray every day that I survive all this.


hugs to you,im sorry.
how old are you both?
my husband loves his toys and bought a couple with out me knowing before he paid for them,i told him how much that hurts and bothers me.
now he will say i really wanna get this what do you think or do you mind or im going to sell this to get this.
i get to be involved in the desion and he doesnt feel like he is asking my permission which i dont want him to feel.if i feel we cant afford it at the time,i make my concerns known but he makes the finale desion from there since he brings in more money and handles the bills,therefore he is the one who will have to worry about it.but he usually makes the best choice.

its unclear why he is happy on his own,did he feel he had to ask permission to do things,go places?did u nag alot?
not saying you did these things at all.
i know i did these things our first couple years together,we were young with a little one and at one point he didnt want to be with me because i drove him away,i told him i would change those things but he would have to change the things that made me be that way such as always hanging out with friends instead of being home with baby and i,(he could hang with friends,but just not everyday) we both changed,it took quite awhile,but we are much happier now.
10 years later he doesnt want to be out hanging with friends,he likes being home with the kids and i and im the one who wants us to go places hang with our friends but together.

talk to him in person,tell him to be real honest about why he feels he is happy on his own,that you wont judge him and you will do you best to understand.
if he is not honest and you guys just move on together and not work through his problem now,it will repeat it self again at some point.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Isabella thank you so much for your input .
I'm 37 and he is 34 .Our problem was that we couldn't go out at all due to his constant night shifts,it was hard for me to be home alone every night and him sleeping till 3-4 next day and than get up for 2 hrs and go to work again .It really killed our family time ,even on his days off which were not a lot we couldn't go anywhere because he sleeps till late.Also on his days off he wanted time for himself and his hobbies so again i was alone at home on his days off while he is having fun somewhere...so of course I was not happy about it and grouchy and that is why i wanted a change we decided to move to SC and him to take a pay cut so he can take day shifts and be a normal family.He gladly did and seemed happy about all this but now i feel like he threw me under the bus. He started having fun ,he has friends there and forgot all about me... 

As I said i hope that what he is telling me is the truth and that he wants to work on himself and rediscover our relationship because so far it looks like he works and on his days off he is out having fun with his friends while i am here at home with the kids,worried sick about our family future.

If we survive all this i will have to also seek help and deal with what he's done to me,I'm so traumatized at the moment.I also have to learn to love him and trust him again.

Yes i wasn't happy him buying things ,he was constantly buying ,I'm not a material person and worry about the future ,kids college ,kids weddings ...that kind of stuff. I do want us to buy stuff occasionally but to be reasonable .No matter what i did or didn't do he still got what he wanted.At one point i told him that's fine he could buy whatever he wanted but the bike thing was really disrespectful because of my pregnancy.

I can say that i was not a nagger but there were times,i accepted my faults and told him numerous times ,wrote him letters ,apologized for what i have done,i was holding grudge because i had no idea how to handle the lies ,I'm ready for a change,I'm already changing.this whole thing was/is really traumatic for me,there is no way I'm not gonna change.
Before he told me he wants us to separate we already talked about going to counseling and trying to fix our marriage.I just don't understand why he couldn't give it a chance and keep the family together while we figure it out.

I have spoken to him the last time he visited ,we had a great chat,he told me he is very happy on his own...no stress and worries.What does that really mean...?! No idea ! It seems like he is running from responsibilities and every day life with kids,single life seems very appealing to him.

I have promised to change things and to be more sensitive to his needs ,to fully support his hobbies to let him buy even a boat if he wants to....I'll do anything so we don't break our family,i understand this is very important to him so I'll change for him.He knows that and for him is hard to believe it because he doesn't believe people can change because he tells me "i can see it's very hard for me to change"!

I guess time will show, at least he gives me a deadline


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## Zammo (Aug 9, 2010)

While the motorcycle thing is a perfectly valid enthusiasm, lying about the purchase is not appropriate.

However, would you have denied him his enthusiasm if he were upfront about it?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I probably would have denied it.
Pregnant,insecure (him not finding me very attractive while pregnant)totally in mommy/baby mode,hormonal (thinking he wants to attract other females while i am fat and pregnant), I was beautiful BTW he just made me feel like that ,also worried about his safety and "am I going to see him much "
Also worried about finances,the 1st bike was $5.000 but the second one $12.000....i mean c'mon .
I would expect him to respect our pregnancy and wait until at least we have the baby.
He had a bike already,a bike that he barely was able to ride due to weather at that time.I just didn't understand why buy another one when you still haven't enjoyed the 1st one.
I was hurt and upset.After i had my baby i was fine but didn't want anything to do with his bikes,he totally ruined my desire to share the hobby with him.
I just didn't know how to deal with all this,i felt like if i do forgive and started enjoying his hobby that i will validate him that it was OK that he has hurt me so bad while pregnant and it's OK that he didn't involve me in this family decision.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> I probably would have denied it.
> Pregnant,insecure (him not finding me very attractive while pregnant)totally in mommy/baby mode,hormonal (thinking he wants to attract other females while i am fat and pregnant), I was beautiful BTW he just made me feel like that ,also worried about his safety and "am I going to see him much "
> Also worried about finances,the 1st bike was $5.000 but the second one $12.000....i mean c'mon .
> I would expect him to respect our pregnancy and wait until at least we have the baby.
> ...


I dont think you are wrong at all. Spending 12000 on motorcycles while having a new child is crazy, I also think a $5000 expenditure is one that merits discussion between spouses. All in all he spent $17000 without even disscussing it with you? that is just wrong and I think you have the right to be hurt and angry. 

I urge you to be careful as it seems he is very selfish and if you are to willing to change to please him he may work that for all he can get out of it. My X did that to me, first it was I had to quit smoking, then it was I had to spend more time fixing things around the house, she had all kinds of conditions I had to do for her to stay and when I did them she came up with new ones.

Im not saying to be unwilling to change, but it sounds like he needs to make some changes as well and for this to be a happy marriage you both need to work on it as well as trying to make EACH OTHER happy! In the end one person cant make a marriage work. Good luck to ya


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

thanks brewster
He did accept that he had made a mistake right when i found out about it.He tried to apologize and promised he will never do that again.
I was just so hurt i couldn't forgive him,i mean we were fine and still having a marriage but i just didn't want to talk about his hobby and i would get upset easily when i hear the word"bike' in a sentence.that went on since Dec 2009.
I know i have made a big mistake by not looking for help and holding grudge for such long time...i now know better.
Holding a grudge does not help anyone.i have accepted my fault and i will deal with it.
He is not like that,he kind of took responsibility and admitted to me 3 days ago that he has problem with compulsive lying.He though that it was because of me that he needs to lie but he catches himself lying to other people,small lies ,nothing big ...he thinks it's because of low self esteem .He said he will go to a psychiatrist to try and figure out why he is doing it. 
I told him i will help him through it and i will support him .
I don't know a lot of things has been said and i just have trouble understanding why the separation,why like that ,when our life and marriage was supposed to improve and we were supposed to heal our marriage together.Why the stupid separation,with 2 beautiful kids looking for him.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So will your family help you out if needed? I think if you can you should tell him you are willing to give the seperation a couple of months but only if he is willing to commit to working on getting back together. If that doesnt happen perhaps you could go back to where you have support from family and friends. I just think it would be hell being stuck in a place where you have little support and going through this crap. I will keep you in my prayers I wish you and your family well.

Forgiveness is a very hard thing to do, I am struggling with that right now myself about my x, but forgiveness is a very necessary thing as holding in anger will eat a person alive from the inside out


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

He has told me by March i should know and he will work on himself meanwhile .If he says NO to me at the end than I'm going back to my family which is back to GA.
It'll be bad for the kids because they won't see him as often but i told him if it comes to that he will need to relocate back to GA if he wants to be involved with the kids.
I need my family and support to go through such horror.
He knows that.
Thanks brewster , i will try and forgive regardless of the outcome,in both cases i will have to deal with forgiveness.

I wish you well too,hope you can forgive and heal yourself!


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Ok, I know that you are hurt, vunerable and totally confused. You also have the responsibility of kids. I am sorry that you are going through this.

First, your husband spent a large sum of money without talking to you and neither of you came to a agreement that both of you approved. This is a huge love buster. He also lies. This is another love buster and it breaks your ability to trust him. So why on earth would you believe anything he says about not seeing another woman. I am not being hard on you, but you need to face facts. He LIES!

He also gave you a deadline and you are going to sit and wait for his decision. No, you should not! He needs a rude awakening. He has betrayed you,lied, and hurt you. If he "decides" to come back,this behavior will not change. You will continue to have to deal with this inappropriate behavior. Do you want to live like this?

If I were you, I would stop blaming myself. Don't beg him to come back, don't tell him how YOU will change. He also needs to change. He doesn't like that you complained,but would you have been doing that if he had talked to you and you came to an agreement about the bikes? Then he did not consult you on the second bke. Please take no offense,but you are being a doormat. Yes, you need to change. You need to stop waiting for him to tell you what your future is going to be.

You need to tell him that you are not going to deal with his behavior anymore. You are not sitting around wating for him to accept his responsibility for his part in the marraige. Move to Georgia, get your family's support. Let him see you are not waiting for him! I think if he saw this, he would shape up in a heartbeat. If he doesn't, you know that he is not the person that you want to deal with for the rest of your life. If he is really working on the marraige,then both of you have to work at it. Don't sit and wait for him to tell you what he is deciding for your marraige. It takes two people to make it work and you ALSO have a say.

I would make it clear that you are not waiting until March! You are moving on. think about it. Do you want to wake up ten years from now, still unhappy, and still dealing with his selfish behavior? Take a stand for YOU and YOUR kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Tamara thank you!

About 5 days ago i had an emotional breakdown and was shaking badly and just couldn't take that anymore i called him and told him that i will not go to SC if does not want to live with us,i was uncontrollably crying and told him that i wanted to do everything so we can fix this but i can't take this punishment anymore .
He tried to interrupt me a few times to tell me that "ok than i will move in with you" .I was shocked and didn't believe it so i told him to think about it and call me back.Well 2 hrs later i called again because he didn't and the tone of his voice has changed back to " i don't care"
He told me that he does not like the way i demand and things will probably work out but it has to happen the way he has told me.He told me to make a final decision and that he will support it.Next day i called him and told him that i will stay in GA and move closer to my family which is 1.5 hrs away.He went on telling me that it's not cool how i want to split the family apart??!! huh??!! i was stunned and told him "I'm splitting the family ,are u kidding me?!

Than he said "fine,you can go and when i come to visit in Feb and March we will work on the marriage"....???!!!???!!! no comment here 
I told him that if we stay in GA to just forget ever getting back with me,that i will start healing myself and forgetting all about him,i told him that he can visit the kids all he wanted but he would not even see me ,everything will happen through family member ............ he got so quiet,i could tell that he was shocked and didn't expect that,he couldn't respond and said that he needs to call me back in the morning because he is tired and irritable from his 12 hrs shift.
Next morning he calls me and was quiet and tried to be nice and told me that he will work on things is SC and he is giving us a chance .At that point i think i need to go there because i will always wonder what would have happened,for the sake of the kids I'll do it and see if things will resolve.He also takes a little blame for his lies as i have mentioned and wants to work on himself also,he says that he is not happy with himself.

Now having said that i try hard to believe that he tells me the truth and this is not a way to get me there so it can be easier for him to see the kids.

About weather or not there is another woman or not....i tend to believe there is not because i asked numerous times and the way he responds to that makes me believe that it's the truth.He works a lot,he has about 8 shifts a month off ,the rest are 12 hrs shifts. Half of his off shifts he traveled to see the kids. He says at the moment he enjoys just being him and not have any stress when he gets home and that he doesn't think about sex(we had an amazing sex life BTW).He says he does not want to be in a relationship at all !
------------------

He just got back last night from SC to move us to SC ,he is sleeping at the moment and got up just to have a snack ....you can cut the tension with a knife .I'm so nervous around him and feel like i don't like him at all but i know it's because he has this indifference in his eyes.He is going to get up in 2 hrs so we can go to parent-teacher conference together.

Well we will see how he behaves today .I don't know how much more i can take and i already called for an apartment closer to my family and it's available so if i change my mind last minute i have where to go.

I'm starting to resent him for what he is doing,I'm not a beggar by nature and i have my pride and it's so hard for me to do this .
Last night he wanted to call me after work and i pretended that I'm in bed and can't talk.
I'm scared that i started falling out of love too and than our marriage will never have a chance.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Why aren't you two in counseling????


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> Tamara thank you!
> 
> About 5 days ago i had an emotional breakdown and was shaking badly and just couldn't take that anymore i called him and told him that i will not go to SC if does not want to live with us,i was uncontrollably crying and told him that i wanted to do everything so we can fix this but i can't take this punishment anymore .
> He tried to interrupt me a few times to tell me that "ok than i will move in with you" .I was shocked and didn't believe it so i told him to think about it and call me back.Well 2 hrs later i called again because he didn't and the tone of his voice has changed back to " i don't care"
> ...


Stop being so hard on yourself, you are experiencing the 7stages of grief and it is very normal

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. 

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. 

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

These emotions are a roller coaster ride and it is very normal to bounce back and forth through the stages. So from what you have said you definetly not wholly at fault for the condition of the marriage, this to is normal usually both people are at fault for the deteration of a marriage. I dont like that H is playing a guilt trip on you and not accepting his part of the problems.

You are breaking the family apart? HMMM isnt he the one who abandoned the family? Isnt he the one who constantly lies, isnt he the one who feels entitled to spend what he wants without consulting you? You may have your faults but this is not your fault! 



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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

omg I miss that forum.will update u tomorrow with my situation,hopefully will have internet tomorrow
Its so hard to live ,so painful ,every moment of every day is a struggle.


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_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Brewster59 thank you so much for the grieving steps...so hard to read ,it seems it'll take forever 

Here what has happened.
The night before the move i confronted him,asked him if he really is thinking of working on the marriage or wants me in SC just for the kids.Told him that if it's for the kids i will still move back with family in GA so he should tell me right then and there so we can avoid unnecessary move 2 months later.he confessed that it was all for the kids.
long story short i'm still in GA with the kids right with my relatives and he is in SC.
Now since than there has been some breakthrough...or at least i think.
the day that we moved in our new place he helped and did everything to make the move as efficient as possible.on the way back to SC he wanted me to walk him out to the car.i couldn't believe but there were tears,he said that he feel that this is not right,,that it's all wrong.He hugged me and held me for a while, i was crying it was hard.He went on to tell me that he will try to fix this ,i cried and told him not to do this to me and to finally say the truth and that it's over so i can start healing myself,so he said he will say this for the sake of me and said that we have no chance and to live my life like he is not with me. It was so hard and heartbreaking all over again.
Anyways since than he calls every night and talks to my 5 years old but after that always wants to talk to me.The 1st night he told me that he is not happy,he said that it's not right again and told me that he really needs to see a psychiatrist.He said he though he will be happy but he still is not.The past 3 nights he is telling me the exact same thing ( i thought that he will feel like that the 1st 1-2 days and after that he'll be fine but NO)
Last night he asked me again to give him till March,that he also has an appt with psychiatrist and he feels that he needs help and that he will go every week and by March he will give me an answer what he wants to do.He told me that if we get back together we need to work on us ( no kidding) .I have been real confident over the phone and he has said that he feels that my spirits are up...only if he knew it's all an act (eye roll) .I have been out and about every day and my daughter tells him what we have been doing,my niece also watches the kids at nigh so i was able to go out to the movies and could go to the clubs with friends but didn't.I think he realized that he will lose me,he thinks i will meet someone now and i think he panicked.HE IS NOT IN CONTROL ANYMORE !
I feel like i did the right thing,if i moved to SC he would still feel like hi is in control and would never realize things.
So i'm back on the wagon of hope,i really think that i don't know if i will want him after what he has done to me and the kids BUT in the end...i still freaking love him more than life.

Ohh forgot to mention the meanest thing he has done to me ,on the day of move he stood like an iceberg in front of me and asked with the most freezing voice" can i have back my grandmothers ring please?" (the engagement ring he gave me 10 yrs ago).
I just couldn't believe the tone,i was hurt and upset beyond words.turns out his mother told him to ask the ring back because she fears i will steal it obviously.OhhhMyyy freaking God,that is a whole other topic.I never wanted diamonds,i'm not a jewelry person,they gave it to me and i didn't want that ring,it was such a burden and had numerous nightmares that i have lost it.I honored his family and the love of my husband and suffered 10 years with that thing on my finger and at the end...the nerve.REALLY...all that woman cared about is some stone...not the well being of her grandchildren for example.

So today he said he will call me later when the kids are sleeping....i have to say i feel better but i have felt like that before,one day he tells me something nice and i think all will be well and next day everything goes downhill and i suffer as a dog again.
At least i was able to eat a little today so I'm glad that what he is telling me at least helps me rebuild some strength until he hits me with a new set of bricks.
(sorry for typo and all the mistakes but writing with kids jumping on my head)


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG i can not freaking believe it!
He has just called.
He said he wants to try again and he is already looking for a 3-4 bedroom house in CHS.He wants us back!
He saw a psychiatrist today ,he said he likes her and they talked about his lying problem .He wants help with this issue before we get back together! He says that she really helped him feel better even from the 1st session!

I'm happy and freaked out at the same time.What the heck ?He put me through hell,i almost ended up in a hospital from starving myself...not intentionally of course.

I will need some serious help , how can i love him the same way ....,what if he does it again in the future....


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OK guys...it has been really hard lately  .
One day he tells me good things and the next he is cold as ice and I'm again in the " i wonder if he still want us to be together" zone.
Being separated ,for real ,does not help a bit! He is 5 hrs away and I'm here and we have these little 5 min conversations every day after he finishes work. I just want to scream.My little daughter has a BDay in 3 days he said he'll be here but just for 3 hrs...WTH?! I asked him why not travel the day before after work and than stay over ,that way he will have more time with the girls...he said "hmmm no i'd rather come and leave the same day"...it's like he is avoiding being in the same house with me.
I'm just so confused and hurt.I've done everything and try my best every day ....every conversation... but i have moments (like today) when i just want to pick up the phone and tell him that i give up too.
How much more can i take...really?!
I hope we can have a little chat when he comes down,i really want to look at his face when we talk,the facial expression usually says it all right?!


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## Tru2mself (Sep 3, 2010)

Please kick him to the curb , please have some pride , dont you see he took all the power from you , he made himself in charge of deciding your destiny while sitting on a throne like a king thinking if he should keep the family or choose a single guy`s life again . If he doesnt want his family it means he doesnt deserve it , and he should die a lonely man , oh screw him, cut all the phone talks they dont do you any good . Turn the tables , make him chase you insetead of you chasing him .


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Today i told him i do not want to talk over the phone with him anymore,i told him that in the nicest way possible.I told him it hurts me every time because it's like talking to stranger,i told him i get an anxiety attack every time.It's just not good for my health .I told him he can only talk to me over the phone if he wants to say something about our relationship but no more fake "how was your day" conversations.

I feel like this will not do any for our situation and he will probably use this as another excuse why he leaves me but i just can't take it anymore.


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