# Trauma in past...hang ups about sex



## WafflesRUs (Jan 26, 2014)

Hello All,

I have been reading and following these threads for awhile. I am divorced from my first husband for some time and my second husband and I have been together over two years now, and for the most part...things are very good. He is younger than me BTW and our levels match pretty well (sometimes one of us seem to be on overdrive more than the other). I am 37 and he is 23 and we work but my question or scenario is...

I have been objectified and used for sex from an early age. I was raped young and that of course included molestation, it happened by different men that mom was involved with. I am in NO WAY a vanilla kind of girl but there are times my brain just snaps and I get into this mode of, do not touch me, etc.

I have worked so very VERY hard to overcome my past, but I can tell at times it upsets the hubby. He is patient and he is so very wonderful on these issues but I do not want it to become a "something" in our relationship. Sex for us is not just sex, it is just as emotional for him as it is for me...except out of the bedroom I am not as physical as he is. He needs more hugs, kisses, etc than I do. I DO NOT like to be grabbed on my backside in public or other openly sexual things in any place I think someone can see. That makes him pissed off sometimes and I get resentful of it. I need privacy in order to feel free and yes, I have problems with the O. I also had cancer when I was 30 and it took my uterus and 3 years my ovaries were taken as well. I have had a lot of surgeries "down there" because of damage of child birth, etc. 

I am by the way, physically fit as well as my husband but my body has suffered from the affects of my past illness. Again almost all the time he is AMAZING...I want to keep things this way. 

So! Why is the PDA of grabbing of my chest and backside such a big deal? Yes, I need privacy to relax, I cannot feel like I am on display for ANYONE. When I say I am NOT vanilla, I am NOT...I just prefer my sex life to be mine and my husband's. He feels and sometimes forces the situation where it will be obviously heard or whatnot.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Me thinks you ought to tell him exactly what you just posted. If I were your husband is feel pretty special that you want your private stuff for just the two of you. He needs to be able to control himself in public and I know as a guy that sometimes it's kind of hard to keep those feelings in at times when I see my wife and compared to the other women around us in public settings she looks a million times more beautiful than everyone around us and so, the urge does surface to express it right then and there. However, if my wife were to express to me that she appreciates it but that I should hold out until we are in a private setting, I personally would respect that and also value the fact that she expressed those thought / feelings. So why are you telling the group instead if him? Say it like it is dang it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Well anyone who has suffered a traumatic experience...especially when it comes to sex...SAFETY will be the primary issue involved in being able to allow things within your circle of acceptance. 

I think that it is totally cool that you feel free with your husband sexually at home and whatnot...but it sounds to me that the PDAs and the groping outside the house may go outside your acceptable bounds of safety...because hey, your husband has earned your trust, but only your husband...not the public. 

Lots of people get embarrassed by PDAs...so that's normal...but you may be really sensitive about it because it challenges your safety. I think if you tell your husband about it in those terms, he hopefully may understand. He is young, so he may be thinking that you are rejecting him when you slap his grabby hands away...but let him know that you just feel so unsafe when others are privy to your sexuality...but at the same time wanna keep things wild and that he is top gun!

Hope this helps...my wife was molested by a family member for years...and by a few others. Sex is very hard for her without needing to disassociate...and even her trust with me is very thin...going for long seasons without sex, so trust me, you are dealing with your past wonderfully.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WafflesRUs said:


> So! Why is the PDA of grabbing of my chest and backside such a big deal? Yes, I need privacy to relax, I cannot feel like I am on display for ANYONE. When I say I am NOT vanilla, I am NOT...I just prefer my sex life to be mine and my husband's. He feels and sometimes forces the situation where it will be obviously heard or whatnot.



You have answered your own question...


> *I have been objectified and used for sex *from an early age. I was raped young and that of course included molestation, it happened by different men that mom was involved with. I am in NO WAY a vanilla kind of girl but there are times my brain just snaps and I get into this mode of, do not touch me, etc.
> 
> *He needs more hugs, kisses, etc than I do. I DO NOT like to be grabbed on my backside in public or other openly sexual things in any place I think someone can see.*
> 
> *I need privacy in order to feel free *


Moving forward, get out of your own head and recognize that when your H grabs you in public, he is being both playful (and you should work to view it and feel it that way) and he is reminding you that you two belong together, not to mention showing other men who you belong to.

His PDA should be toned down some while you work on this. Perhaps not grabbing your ass, but hugs and kisses along with general touching that you lovingly accept is the next step of your evolution to wholeness!

Good journey!


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