# Household chores and responsibilities



## ArdwenHeart (Jul 4, 2012)

I don't know if the work load is shared equally between my husband and I. We have twin boys. We have been married since 2008. He has worked the same job and the same amount of hours since before we were married. When we were married I held a full-time job. After we were married I gave birth to identical twin boys, and spent pretty much the first two to three years solely on raising them. There were several years after their birth in which I felt a good deal of anger and frustration. I felt that his life went on pretty much as it always had, just with less staying up late and less extreme socializing. But my life was completely turned around. I've worked through most of my anger and frustration, and the relationship is satisfying. We encourage personal growth in each other. BUT, I wash all the clothes. I pick his clothes up off the floor. I wash all the toilets, floors, dishes, windows. I do 99 percent of the cooking. I get up with the boys every single morning. I feed them and make sure they are bathed and dressed. I do their homework. I generally manage the day to day business of being a parent on my own. I do the taxes. I do the shopping and shopping lists. I get the boys to and from school. I also have been progressively building a business that has grown from maybe 3000 dollars of income to around 38,000 of income over the past 7 years. The hours I put into this business are probably somewhere around 10 hours per week. Sometimes much more, rarely, and sometimes much less, rarely. But 2 hours per day, 5 days per week is a good estimate of hourly work. And my hours are very flexible, and my work is very fulfilling. I answer to no one but myself. My husband works the regular work week. 8-5, five days a week. He also hunts for the deer, processes the meat and puts it up. He kills and processes our hog that we raise every year. The crappy, hard maintenance jobs that have to be done throughout the year, or construction jobs, such as installing a wood stove, or ripping up the carpet and installing hard floors, cutting the grass and cutting the wood, he takes care of. The thing about his work is that he never seems to be stressed. His jobs are so few and far between. He has hours and hours of free time in which to pursue what he wants to pursue. Watch tv. Sleep in. I'm a bit jealous. My stuff is always there. There is always something pressing. I kind of feel like things would be fair if I didn't have the business and bring in the money that I do. If I was "just a housewife" then I would feel okey dokey with the distribution of responsibilities. But as things are, I feel like it's fair for me to take care of the bulk of the household responsibilities, due to the flexibility of my business, but that he should really be taking on more familial responsibilities than he is. I'm not horribly angry and frustrated anymore. But I wish there was a way to really work out the details and get things to a more agreeable spot for me. Any input?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The rule of thumb that I use is that a couple should try to split things as close to 50/50 as they can.

For example..

When he's at work during the day, you are working too between the kids, house and your business.

When he comes home, then the two of you should be splitting the household chores, child care, and all the chores he does around the place and putting up meat for you all.

You two should have about the same amount of free time for yourselves.

Plus the two of you should have time together just about everyday.. just the two of you together.

My suggestion is that you get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters", both by Dr. Harley. Read them. Then get him to read them with you and work through them. 

You need to tell him that you are not happy with the way things are. It's unfair and not right that he has free time and you have none. it's not right that the two of you do not spend enough time together to maintain your relationship.

So it's time for a makeover of your relationship.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Both of you are extremely hard workers and have a full plate! Is there any money in the budget for having someone come in and clean, do chores to help you out?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Have you considered trading chores for a few weekends? And I mean all chores where the kids are coming to him for everything and you get to do the outside work and come in and rest after it's done. It's not easy to understand how the 24/7 on call schedule feels unless you're doing it.

It does sound like you guys both are doing alot. Just maybe you've taken on a little more of the stressful no-break things and he doesn't see that yet.

EDIT: It's possible that some of what he does is more difficult and more stressful that it appears as well.


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## ArdwenHeart (Jul 4, 2012)

I do pay someone to come in and help me catch up whenever I have a glitch in my schedule, like if I'm sick one weekend, I'll hire someone to come in on Monday or Tuesday to help me play catch up. My goal is to get to a place financially where I can hire someone on a regular basis for babysitting and housework so I can have a whole day off. And to get more organized and so good at keeping house that it just comes naturally or something. I'll check out those books. Thank you for the suggestions. I'm big on self-help and marriage books. I'm thinking of all these things a lot more than I have in years. I will soon be turning thirty and am trying to explore my feelings about having another child. When I look at my day, it is hard for me to imagine fitting in the care of a newborn with all the other stuff. But I know I managed well enough with twins. If we did have another child, I know I'd have to work out some specific chores he could take on. Like taking over the twins' homework and bath time or cleaning the kitchen at the end of the day. Something like that. Things couldn't continue as they are with me taking on the bulk of caring for a newborn as well. My husband comes from a very traditional family. The men do "man" chores and the women do "woman" chores. But woman chores are ALL day, every day. There are no sick days. At the same time, I am SO glad I am not responsible for the crappy chores. Those things just wouldn't get done if they were my responsibilities. He does a good job at the chores he is responsible for. But while killing a hog and processing and putting up meat is a huge undertaking, it only comes around once a year. Same with the deer. I'm glad he does that. It saves us money on our food bill and gives us a healthy source of red meat. (mmm Cubed steak!) But again, the deer stuff is hard, hard work, but it's only going on for a couple of weeks out of the year. I need to work something out with him so that he has responsibility for at least a small percentage of the "drudgery". The day in and day out stuff. I appreciate the input. It helps to kind of just write it out plainly like this.


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## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

Its not easy with twins of that age and all that work you both have to do. I have to applaud you for that. I have twins too and its so much better now that they are older. 

Although he does the hard work, he needs to have a taste of doing what you do at least on some days. The children have to see the father doing them at least occasionally. Its not possible to split jobs in terms of gender and thats not good for the children's development. Soon you will have 3 men doing only men stuff and the rest will all be on you. See if you can give him parenting chores once a week on days he is not too busy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at the site. FlyLady.net

The site is basically about how to keep a house clean with very little effort. It's all about planning and organization. She has great ideas.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your husband is not helping out much with the kids, how is he developing a good relationship with them? A lot the interaction with children comes from taking care of them, thus building a relationship of trust and support as well as love.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like you are getting all resentful for no good reason. You are living your life the way you choose, and he is living his life the way he chooses. It sounds like you do more than him because you want to do more, but that he is able to take care of the things that need to be taken care of, and you just want him to be as stressed out as you?

I would advise, that him being more stressed, is not in any way going to reduce your stress level. That is all on you. If you have genuine relationship needs that he has to help you meet, then identify those and communicate - but if you just feel like you are overworked, then it is up to you to slow down, take a step back and breathe and take care of yourself.

Is he not affectionate enough, and if not why? Is he not communicative enough (willing to listen and share)? Is he neglectful, and if so in what way?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

ArdwenHeart said:


> I don't know if the work load is shared equally between my husband and I. We have twin boys. We have been married since 2008. He has worked the same job and the same amount of hours since before we were married. When we were married I held a full-time job. After we were married I gave birth to identical twin boys, and spent pretty much the first two to three years solely on raising them. There were several years after their birth in which I felt a good deal of anger and frustration. I felt that his life went on pretty much as it always had, just with less staying up late and less extreme socializing. But my life was completely turned around. I've worked through most of my anger and frustration, and the relationship is satisfying. We encourage personal growth in each other. BUT, I wash all the clothes. I pick his clothes up off the floor. I wash all the toilets, floors, dishes, windows. I do 99 percent of the cooking. I get up with the boys every single morning. I feed them and make sure they are bathed and dressed. I do their homework. I generally manage the day to day business of being a parent on my own. I do the taxes. I do the shopping and shopping lists. I get the boys to and from school. I also have been progressively building a business that has grown from maybe 3000 dollars of income to around 38,000 of income over the past 7 years. The hours I put into this business are probably somewhere around 10 hours per week. Sometimes much more, rarely, and sometimes much less, rarely. But 2 hours per day, 5 days per week is a good estimate of hourly work. And my hours are very flexible, and my work is very fulfilling. I answer to no one but myself. My husband works the regular work week. 8-5, five days a week. He also hunts for the deer, processes the meat and puts it up. He kills and processes our hog that we raise every year. The crappy, hard maintenance jobs that have to be done throughout the year, or construction jobs, such as installing a wood stove, or ripping up the carpet and installing hard floors, cutting the grass and cutting the wood, he takes care of. The thing about his work is that he never seems to be stressed. His jobs are so few and far between. He has hours and hours of free time in which to pursue what he wants to pursue. Watch tv. Sleep in. I'm a bit jealous. My stuff is always there. There is always something pressing. I kind of feel like things would be fair if I didn't have the business and bring in the money that I do. If I was "just a housewife" then I would feel okey dokey with the distribution of responsibilities. But as things are, I feel like it's fair for me to take care of the bulk of the household responsibilities, due to the flexibility of my business, but that he should really be taking on more familial responsibilities than he is. I'm not horribly angry and frustrated anymore. But I wish there was a way to really work out the details and get things to a more agreeable spot for me. Any input?


Have you thought about sitting down and planning out a chore chart? You can both figure out what needs to be done each week and assign people, including kids if old enough, to do them.


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