# Alpha Midlife?



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Have you ever heard the statement that a man's midlife crisis is the point in time where he may suddely become Alpha? Flirt with women, buy a nice car, and all that because he deserves it.

According to my current therapist (yes, egad!), one of life's ironies is that sometimes, if you tend to be an alpha sort of guy, midlife is about feeling beta feelings to the extent that it tilts the balance. 

About seven months ago, I started with a corporate therapist to try to understand the thoughts that were going on. I'm 45, and it seems that I just woke up one day feeling ... just different. After a while, the therapist said that she would really like me to see another therapist in town. Once who specializes in 'my type'. I didn't even know I had a type until she told me. Sure, my daughter's professor asked me to participate in a study for a white paper on alpha types, but there was a disconnect in my mind. I'm alpha at work, but not everywhere else. To make it worse, when I described myself as more of a feeler, and easygoing in marriage counseling, my wife literally fell out of her chair.

So, for the first time in my life, I'm asking myself if I can be content in a relationship that is focused very strongly on my wife's depression and need for reinforcement. She's bipolar. In the past, when family and friends tried to tell me that our relationship was very one sided, I didn't care because I had enough strength for both of us. I just wanted her to be happy, and went after it.

My current therapist says that its normal for the alpha type to become more self-critical, whereas other types might often be described as more selfish during this phase.

To give an example. In the past, our marriage counselor stressed the need for boundaries and expectations, so that my wife wouldn't keep giving up on her bipolar therapy. Through this midlife transition, however, I realized that although I had the strength to take a firm stance in the past, now I tend to blame myself, thinking that if I was just a little more loving, she wouldn't feel compelled to lash out in the mania stage.

I always kept track of my career progression. It was my focus outside the marriage. Now, its like I think more about being content in the job. I have outside certifications and positions. Now, they are not something I track on my calendar in minute detail.

The point of this thread is to solicit feedback about the shifts in your personality during midlife crisis, and how it affects your family decisions and career. Or your thoughts on the actual existance of an alpha or beta impact to midlife transition. I'm new to this whole concept, and would appreciate the thoughts of others.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What an interesting post.

I certainly can't just type a one-liner and hit submit.

I'm a bit of a freak of nature. When the pressure is on, I'm the best guy to have around. I can assess situations and see the shortest distance to the goal - and execute.

When the pressure is off? I've tended to self-destruct. Too much dark sarcasm... simply too strong for relaxed situations.

I've had a largely successful career, as I can produce huge volumes of quality work and I can work 7 days/week.

My first marriage was with a "low conflict" spouse. I probably could have done a better job simply picking a woman from a police lineup.

Midlife has treated me with the following:

1) Divorce
2) More partners than I had my entire life to that point
3) Teen suicide attempt with a butcher knife
4) Failed relationship after failed relationship
5) Second marriage
6) Death of my father

All of this in the past 6 years.

To say the least, this alpha has had to simultaneously man-up in relationships while asking himself the toughest questions he's ever faced.

With a great therapist, I've rediscovered my sense of humor. That helps a great deal with fitness tests.

Still a work in progress, but what an awakening when you encounter the absolute limit of your own personal power.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Midlife has treated me with the following:
> 
> 1) Divorce
> 2) More partners than I had my entire life to that point
> ...


Holy cr#p! Sorry for the pain.

For me, not nearly so tumultuous. It's just that when my counselor at work first mentioned that I may be encountering a midlife transition, my first thought was to check the state of my checkbook. I turned inward instead. Part of it is that I've always envied my friends who tend to be so different, and more balanced. So now, I'm beginning to see a cup of coffee as an experience instead of fuel to get me to the next meeting. 

I do suspect, hewever, that my marriage will not survive the phase. Too many aspects of her bipolar condition didn't affect me in the past, but now I've set the expectation that she will stick to therapy, and she is unwilling. That just never really seemed to bother me before.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Halien said:


> Holy cr#p! Sorry for the pain.
> 
> For me, not nearly so tumultuous. It's just that when my counselor at work first mentioned that I may be encountering a midlife transition, my first thought was to check the state of my checkbook. I turned inward instead. Part of it is that I've always envied my friends who tend to be so different, and more balanced. So now, I'm beginning to see a cup of coffee as an experience instead of fuel to get me to the next meeting.
> 
> I do suspect, hewever, that my marriage will not survive the phase. Too many aspects of her bipolar condition didn't affect me in the past, but now I've set the expectation that she will stick to therapy, and she is unwilling. That just never really seemed to bother me before.


The reason the information here intrigues me so much has to do with my own journey. When you do encounter the limits of what you can do, it's only "natural" to start looking at where the supplements could likely be found.

That can - in it's worst form - take the form of "change your partner", which can be phrased... "hold them accountable".

Watch out.

There is no area more likely to create intense pain than the unmet expectations associated with boundary enforcement. Boundary enforcement can actually bleed into judgement of "who" isn't carrying their share.

And - when tensions rise - very young parts of our personalities assert themselves and we find ourselves doing and saying things we never dreamed of doing and saying.

People are entitled to make their own mistakes.

You can only enforce your boundaries.

Drawing boundaries for another is a formula for huge resentment.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Conrad is that you?? I really got a lot out of you post. Have you come to the end of your challenges and settled into.a new way of being? 

I think we change or have several crisis/ major reassessments through life. The transitions are more noticeable when young because it is expected. We seem not to expect major reassessment and change as we age. I believe our personality is palimpsest of our life experiences. When the layers are piled high enough, there is a seismic shift. We are essentialy ourselves but with reordered priorities, new vision and ready for new layers of experiences. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm an acquired taste.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Conrad is that you?? I really got a lot out of you post. Have you come to the end of your challenges and settled into.a new way of being?
> 
> I think we change or have several crisis/ major reassessments through life. The transitions are more noticeable when young because it is expected. We seem not to expect major reassessment and change as we age. I believe our personality is palimpsest of our life experiences. When the layers are piled high enough, there is a seismic shift. We are essentialy ourselves but with reordered priorities, new vision and ready for new layers of experiences.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess most of us can remember our toddler phase in some ways, our 7 ish to puberty phase and our teenage phase. But there are other phases we go through, most recognise the mid life change that may well become a crisis if things don’t go the way we’d like them to.

I’m for example just working on my next phase, which I see as the heading to infirmity stage lol. I reckon I’ve ten years left to me of continuing with my active life style before I lose “energy” to do the things I really enjoy. So I’m just setting myself up with a smaller home where I can have chickens, a pig and grow my own fruit and veg. I’m in my early 60s and in the past I never would have thought for one moment I’d be setting myself up this way. I’ve found there’s one thing about life that we can guarantee, and that’s that change will and does happen. It’s what we do with it that counts.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Halien said:


> Holy cr#p! Sorry for the pain.
> 
> For me, not nearly so tumultuous. It's just that when my counselor at work first mentioned that I may be encountering a midlife transition, my first thought was to check the state of my checkbook. I turned inward instead. Part of it is that I've always envied my friends who tend to be so different, and more balanced. So now, I'm beginning to see a cup of coffee as an experience instead of fuel to get me to the next meeting.
> 
> I do suspect, hewever, that my marriage will not survive the phase. Too many aspects of her bipolar condition didn't affect me in the past, but now I've set the expectation that she will stick to therapy, and she is unwilling. That just never really seemed to bother me before.


I think at the mid life transition we “re-evaluate”. That is, we look at where we are now and look to our history to see how we got to where we are. So perhaps for the very first time in our life we study our personal history. And because we then know our history we’re able to predict what will happen in our future if we maintain the status quo, if things remain essentially the same.

And we may well not like the predictable future that we see. That’s when change comes, we try and change the vision we have of our future. That “need to change” can be truly driven and compelling but if change doesn’t happen in the way we want it to then we find ourselves in mid life crisis. And if we keep on going we may well abandon all that went before to force change in the status quo and lead the life we want to lead.

Bob


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I think at the mid life transition we “re-evaluate”. That is, we look at where we are now and look to our history to see how we got to where we are. So perhaps for the very first time in our life we study our personal history. And because we then know our history we’re able to predict what will happen in our future if we maintain the status quo, if things remain essentially the same.
> 
> And we may well not like the predictable future that we see. That’s when change comes, we try and change the vision we have of our future. That “need to change” can be truly driven and compelling but if change doesn’t happen in the way we want it to then we find ourselves in mid life crisis. And if we keep on going we may well abandon all that went before to force change in the status quo and lead the life we want to lead.
> 
> Bob


Thanks.

I'm intrigued by the whole concept of midlife. Just never really thought about it before. My therapist thinks its significant that as an alpha personality type, I'm very ashamed of the years before I married. Basically, I came from a very harsh family life, where some of the older women in my parent's biker club taught me alot about sex before I was a teenager, so the later teenage years were a blur of one night stands, especially in college. My marriage was a chance to redeem myself.

So now, instead of thinking about the trophy wife stage (which was never something I would want), like what seems common among my peers, I think more about connecting. I no longer have an interest in the next car up. Sold my sports car for a truck.

Although a promotion is coming soon, which will cause me to need to buckle down and put the alpha hat back on, I don't think any more in terms of this intense drive to keep moving forward, both at home and work. I dropped out of an executive track program, which caused some degree of concern at work.

Thanks for the comments!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Halien said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I'm intrigued by the whole concept of midlife. Just never really thought about it before. My therapist thinks its significant that as an alpha personality type, I'm very ashamed of the years before I married. Basically, I came from a very harsh family life, where some of the older women in my parent's biker club taught me alot about sex before I was a teenager, so the later teenage years were a blur of one night stands, especially in college. My marriage was a chance to redeem myself.
> 
> ...


Mid life … is very real! Same with retirement. They are life’s transitions from one phase to the next. Bit like chapters in our personal book of life. Some just kind of race through life without a clue where it’s taking them and wonder how they ended up where they are. And their past is but a blur.

I sometimes think those addicted to tv soaps know far more about what’s going on in the fictional characters lives than they know about their own life.

Why not write a book of your own life? It’s surprising what we can recall. I think often we do things in an unaware state, like your youth. The big thing is would you do it over again or would you have behaved differently if you knew what you know now? Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Best thing is not to beat yourself up about it but to forgive yourself.

Bob


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's really simple. You get to a certain age, a certain point and you discover you are fresh out of give a ****.


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