# Confirmation of Wife's Mental Status



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

A rehash- married 15 years, 1 daughter age 11, Wife walked out in middle of night 3.75 months ago. has told me I was doing everything right but each time I addressed issues, she made up new reasons not to come home and said needs be permanent. Discussion in past she made allegations she thought I was putting stuff in her coffee and other women were involved (there was never any). My daughters child psychologist called me today. She said that she had been meeting with my wife for 20 minutes before daughter's sessions for last several weeks. She advised me that your life is stuck in some twilight zone with a major mental break likely the cause; psychologist indicated wife was not sure what she wanted or would come back but that Iw as doing all the right things- she just was not sure what she wanted now. What would everyone do? She won't come home, won't go to marriage counseling with me, won't discuss anything. She is just stuck in this place where she will say she loves me but she is not even sure she means it; buys me gifts and sends mixed signals. I am running out of gas but want to save my family. I am so sad I cannot reach my wife- she seems so sick when I talk to her and now it seems mental health professionals are picking up that something is very wrong. Any ideas on how to break this lock?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You can't break the lock. Your wife holds the key.

She is not accepting or wanting help. They only way to force her is if she is putting herself or others in harm. Then she goes the psychiatric hospital first. 

What to do in the meantime. You may need to give her firm boundaries. She doesn't get to give you mixed messages anymore. She can call about the kids/mutual business and leave it at that. You will reconnect with her when she is willing to do something about her condition or marriage. 

I know this is VERY difficult to do. We love our family members and want to help but there is a line in addiction and mental illness as well. It's called enabling. 

It was very unusual for the pyschologist to share this information as confidentiality is HIGHLY regarded in the mental health field. Unless your wife gave this Dr. permission, I am totally floored. 

Set some firm boundaries. She may get worse before better. Hold on for the ride. Make yourself happy. Protect yourself and the chldren. When she reaches out and wants up...be prepared.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Let's be clear. There is a world of difference between someone that 'doesn't know what they want' and someone that is truly mentally ill. I'm leaning toward the latter in your case.

CW, if the psychologist actually believes that his wife is at risk, I don't think confidentiality applies.

It also isn't clear that the psychologist and his wife have a doctor/patient relationship. I believe that relationship is with their daughter and the doc was talking to mom with regard to the daughter and determined mom is more than a bit 'off'.

Waiting Patiently, I really don't see that allowing your wife to steer this ship should even be an option. Waiting for someone struggling with mental illness to make a responsible decision is setting everyone up to be disappointed. Am I missing something? No disrespect, but you have alluded that she is unbalanced, and now you have a psychologist stating the same.
If this is the case, then you need to be the one making decisions for the benefit and safety of you and your daughter - and quite possibly will need to make hard decisions for the benefit and safety of your wife.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

D: If she is "at risk" then she needs to get appropriate care in the right setting. 

If indeed the doc/patient relationship is with the daughter.....WP are you involved with your daughters care? Is that why the psychologist called you? I'm not at all clear. 

If your W is needing help and you doubt her mental abilities then you should perhaps step up caring for you D as Deejo stated. Maybe we don't have the full picture here. I know there are many details.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

WP - 
I must admit I also never 'quite' get your story. In fact as I have been trying to hint - I feel as though you may be 'in denial' or at the very overwhelmed about the fact that your wife has some severe medical issues at the moment.

Deejo is correct in stating the risks in not recognising and acting on these.

Not to put any pressure on you - but I do feel like you have to get to the heart of things quickly - only then can you act in the most responsible manner which is what you clearly want to do....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is your wife working? 

If not, how does she get money to live? If she is losing her mind, you NEED to take full control of the bills so you don't wake up broke with an 11 year old child to put through school. 

If you really think she is losing it, you might want to do an intervention with her Mom and other family members where you tell the mom what the doc said, and you put it on her to help persuade her daughter to get help/medication. Make the mom out to be the bad guy if she won't help. 

I know the mom does not like you - still if her daughter is at risk. 



Waiting Patiently said:


> A rehash- married 15 years, 1 daughter age 11, Wife walked out in middle of night 3.75 months ago. has told me I was doing everything right but each time I addressed issues, she made up new reasons not to come home and said needs be permanent. Discussion in past she made allegations she thought I was putting stuff in her coffee and other women were involved (there was never any). My daughters child psychologist called me today. She said that she had been meeting with my wife for 20 minutes before daughter's sessions for last several weeks. She advised me that your life is stuck in some twilight zone with a major mental break likely the cause; psychologist indicated wife was not sure what she wanted or would come back but that Iw as doing all the right things- she just was not sure what she wanted now. What would everyone do? She won't come home, won't go to marriage counseling with me, won't discuss anything. She is just stuck in this place where she will say she loves me but she is not even sure she means it; buys me gifts and sends mixed signals. I am running out of gas but want to save my family. I am so sad I cannot reach my wife- she seems so sick when I talk to her and now it seems mental health professionals are picking up that something is very wrong. Any ideas on how to break this lock?


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Posts- thank you for everyone's weigh in. First, the child psychologist is treating our daughter; our daughter is the only patient in which the psychologist has a privileged communication with as I see it as a layperson (and as an attorney). The fact that my wife and I are briefly speaking with the spychologist is realted to us providing information to the psychologist so that we may provide the support we can to assist our daughter. The psychologist knows I have been "hanging on" to allow my wife some time and space to get herself together to try to save the marriage; and the psychologist is aware the current situation in limbo is not a good situation for our daughter (or for me) either. This is why she reached out to me I suspect; to let me know she recognizes something is not quite right and that I need to be reflective and mindful on perhaps taking some steps to bring some firm foundation for us all; especially, our daughter.

Kor- yes- I agree with you, for some time I have helf the belief that she likely was under so much stress that she must have had a break but that she was going to snap out of it; or perhaps it was not as significant as I wanted to believe. However, the fact it has been 4 months, my wife's behavior continues to be inconsistent, the mental health professional noted something is not quite right etc has provided me enough foundation to accept that at least, in part, mental illness is likely contributing to my wife's current state. The portion I don't or can't come to terms with is- how can mental illness possibly contribute to her not wanting to be with me anymore? Could it be that she truly believes I am trying to poison or harm here and therefore, that's the real reason she won't come home but won't talk to me about.

I am just so sad and taken back by all of this. I am sorry for seeming as if I am falling a apart a bit; it's just that the woman I love and adore so much is just "gone."- and she was just here in May like I always knew her! I am aware we all are in the same situation right now though the facts may be different; but as you all know, sometimes the pain feels like it will never go away or get better, and hope is in short supply.

Corpus- I agree with you- firm boundaries have been put into place. I have backed off even further than I ever have right now; though it just seems to be allowing her to drift farther away. but we have tried the other way (love, pursuing her, tenderness) to no avail. Thus, there is no other way than to just let go in love and pray.

I would consider an intervention if I knew for sure what was going on- but even then, her family would likely completely disregard what I am saying and try to rip me to shreds. But I suspect I have nothing to lose at this point.

It is so hard when I see my wife and she treats me like nothing is wrong and life is as if it always was; though she has not been here for 4 months. Others on list, did your spouses treat you this way as well? ie- were/are they happy and friendly around you (wife refuses to look at me most of the time-avoiding eye contact)do they act like everything is normal in your marriage but they are living somewhere else? I am trying to differentiate between what other "normal" behavior is for spouses who move out and my wife's behavior, assuming mental illess is the cause of the same. ie- I am trying to get a sense if she has just moved on or not.

I need to make a game plan regarding the mental health issue but I am deflated in advance knowing help from her family is unlikely.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Corpus- yes- I am very involved with our daughter's care. She stays with me at the family home 4-5 days per week; I am involved in every aspect of our daughter's welfare and care including but not limited to working with the child psychologist to understand the best way to understand what our daughter is going through and the best way to support her through this period. And yes, this is why she likely called. My wife and I both see her briefly in her office to give an overview on how our daughter is doing. As stated earlier, our daughter is tyhe client and thus, she is the only person who would likely demand a privileged and confidential relationship in my judgment.

Someone asked about money- yes- I continue to deposit money into our joint account as has always been done. My wife comes by the house, grabs the bills and pays them as she always has. I have checked the accounts and nothing dishonorable has been done. I have a transfer limit on every account for anything over $2,000 that is transferred- this way I am alerted and the same is bloked without my signature. This way, I can get a feel if something has changed which could place me at a finacial disadvantage. Funny thing- my wife is a director for a major company as well, abnd has continued to hold onto her job- though she has been compaining to me she is underscrunity like never before. AShe continues to have her paycheck deposited into the same account as well- so no wrongdoing there. But in short, it appears my wife is not trying to hurt or harm me in any way, financially or otherwise; and thus, one can also assume therefore, she probably, at least now, is not ready to leave for good very soon. I know this all sounds so bizarre and that is why I am throwing my hands up in the air in pain and disgust. I tend to be an overly "rationale" person and no logic or rationalirt follows here- it all sounds insane. Perhaps, it sounds insane because the behavior is insane. But, I do tend to sit up and think, am I the crazy one here or is all this just crazy making behavior on my wife's part?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I had a therapist tell me that one of my biggest faults is trying to apply logic where none can be applied.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

And how true that rings right now, Dobo. This has got to be the craziest time in my life- nothing is making sense at all. I am not a person who does well in a situation like this- perhaps I have control issues that I need to work on further. Perhaps, after 4 months, this is a normal reaction. Nevertheless, many of my friends tell me they don't know how I am holding on. I simply tell them "I have no choice"- but I suspect you know exactly what I mean just like the countless others going through this same scenario.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think all sane people have control issues. Learning to "let go and let God" (or dog, as may be your preference) is not easy. I also don't think it is always warranted. 

You have to do what you can and then for the rest, let go.

What's that serenity prayer? ;-)


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

WP: I think that most of the time...I've come to some acceptance. However, there are some times (like today) that I want to break down. 

The way I gain peace is "giving it to God." Some things are beyond our control.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

I agree with you Corpus. I am at a crossroads I think. I feel powerless to affect the outcome with respect to my wife or what happens next; however, each day I begin to feel like I have the power to take care of myself a little better. Some days are much harder than others. I am realizing that it is me who is allowing my wife to keep contacting me which sets me back each time it happens. I am erading Love Must Be Tough By Dobson and it is helping me to take no contact to a new level. 

I find myself thinking this am- I never thought this would happen to us; I always thought the woman I chose as my life partner had the same values and beliefs I shared- commitment and resolve to the marriage no matter what obstacles came before us- and BAM- she's gone and I don't even know why!
It is so hard being in the position to help people fix their most complex legal problems every day and I can't even make a dent in the problem before me with the woman I shared almost 2 decades with- it's so hard to wrap my head and hands around!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

WP: I do know how you feel. I feel that my H was depressed or having a midlife thing or whatever. The fact is neither of us have a clear explanation. I know my H isn't cheating just confused. 

In some ways, I think if he had cheated I could have justified getting "rid" of him. Instead, he got rid of me without a clear explanation other than how he felt. 

My divorce will probably be final just shy of my 25th anniversary. Isn't that sad? A day that should be celebrated-1/4 century.

My counselor said..."S...you know he won't be as close to anyone as he was/is to you. You share a history prior to marriage, 25 years, and 2 kids, you built your life together." It's true. I know him like no other. Perhaps, it's arrogance or wishful thinking on my part...that I won't be replaced.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

WP, I don't think your wife's values have changed. I suspect that whatever she is going through she's afraid to share with you because it is so deeply personal. Mental health can be scary.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Corpus- I completely agree. And, yes- the 25 years is a hard pill to swallow- I am very sorry. The history analysis is oh so close to my heart. As my wife was with me from undergrad, through law scholl, and in the trenches as we built our life together-and then, children. This special time bonding can never be re-created as we are only young and building that history from our early years once. One would think that our spouses would see all that they have to lose. However, for some reason, it appears the marriage gets re-written and all our WAS remember are the bad times and the good seem to be repressed-perhaps making in easier to justfy and relieve the guilt from their actions. I was looking back at emails my wife sent me as little as 3 weeks before she left- stating thank you for meeting her for lunch (we did this 2X per week) and that she was so thankful to have such a loving and patience husband- telling me she loves me so much! Where the heck did that come from and go so quickly? Sometimes I think I am crazy bc it is so unbelieveable how fast things happen. 

Dobo-well said- but painful all the same.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It is so weird and so inexpicable - I was just thinking - 
what none of us can believe is the fact that someone can focus on the bad instead of the good - and that these spouses are happy to risk losing that history (that growing up) together....
for us it would seem that is what the relationship is - that is life - to bring it to an abitrary end for reasons that can't be seen, heard or articulated ....that's why we have to give it over - give it up - there are some things way out of our control...we have no choice but to come back to ourselves...


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Knor- Well put. And, this, ironically, is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. Conscientiously letting go of the "We", the "Us", the "our"- and focus on me, to improve myself as a person; to allow myself the time to heal from the pain and confusion; and to be the best parent I can be simultaneously. I have always believed in life that as human beings, we tend to make decisions that bring us the most pleasure; and steer away from decisions or situations that bring us the most pain. Assuming this to be true for most people, it appears those who choose to walk away obviously are in so much pain that they see leaving as better than staying. Now, unless physical abuse, sever emotional or verbal abuse, or another signifcant issue surrounds the marriage, it just perplexes me how folks work through the facts and analysis and come to the conclusion that leaving is easier than staying. I have always believed that when people are in disagreement, if they just stopped for a brief moment to consider the same, they would find that they agree on 95% of everything that is at issue. Consequently, only a small part of the issue or relationship needs to be modified. Why not work harder and do something different to improve the relationship and make it better? Instead, so many want to nuke the entire marriage and start over. the problem is, no matter how far and fastw e run, the problems that are not solved in the marriage will just follow us to the next relationship-and in a more toxic form! As my brother likes to say, we can fool everyone in th world but ourselves. I think when people get married everyone should be handed a mirror and be required to look in it daily the rest of their married lives!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

WP sadly you are correct - they must be in pain - that is the only conclusion that I can come to as well - otherwise there is no logic..and I am with you people act to get rid of pain -
but I am so with you on the 95% thing as well....
I just sent my Sister in law an email this morning which said almost the same - just a bit less drama and a bit more calm meeting eachother where you can -
could resloves things 
our issue is that we can't 'make' this happen - all the skills of negotiation, logic, reason - all the goodwill and effort in the world can't shift them...


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

And Know- as much as I believe my wife has a mental issue going on as discussed; as stated before with Dobo and you and others, she obviously also does not want to be home now- whether the mental illness or our marriage is the cause. Consider this, in my situation, my wife could not be away from our daughter (11) for more than a day before she truly was missing her terribly. Now, my wife will freely and without emotion give a quick hug and say goodbye to her while she stays with me for the next 4 days; and does not call all that much at times!!!!!!!!!!!! It just floors me- ie, if my wife can just let go and say goodbye to her daughter for days at a time and not flinch, it tells me just where she is emotionally at this moment; and my hope for her returning diminishes despite her actions and statements to the contrary thats end mixed signals as previously discussed. There is no logic- it defies the same and human nature. Thus, could it be that the people who walk away (absent reasons known such as OP and abuse) have had some type of break which allows them to detach from the love they have been enveloped with all these years? Or, was it that those who have left never properly formed the bond of love the way it was intened or suppossed to work? I always looked and still see my wife as my soul mate- otherwise, I would never have married her. I love her unconditionally- like our daughter. I would never, ever consider walking out on our daughter-ever! No matter what she did, how she acted, how I felt! And this is how all parents feel I would suggest (at least sane parents!) Then, why would anyone consider walking out on a spouse?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Absloutely agree never


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Truthfully...I have considered walking out on my H. Several years ago I went through a depression. I was soul searching and trying to find why I was so empty and numb. I was looking for answers but there was none to be found. Eventually...slowly...I clawed my way back. I questioned everything about my life, including my life. It was the saddest period of time that I can remember. 

This was difficult on my H. I was selfish. He was not expressive and a NG. So....as I was emerging from my "coma" he was developing his own depression (I think). 

I've apologized and asked for forgiveness and tried to turn our marriage around. He was out. 

So. I have thought about it. It was fight or flight. I turned to the fight. He turned to the flight.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Corpus- thank you for the honesty and sharing. It must be very difficult to have gone through that. Indeed, in the end, you chose to hold on and honor your commitment to your husband and family despite the pain you were in. its all anyone including your husband could have asked for.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

WP: I'm glad to help anyone. The fact was it damaged my marriage more than I thought. However, when my H decided to leave...the one last stand I said to him "if I would have had cancer during that time would you have forgiven me?" I likened the depression as an illness and sure it put pressure on my marriage as any major illness would. He stood by my side but all the while was resentful and wanting greener pastures.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

WP something that I never come too clean about is the fact that both times my Husband left I asked him to... it was what he wanted he just wouldn't say it (NG syndrome)...so I guess I do have my limits - although I asked him to leave it was under the understanding however that it was not what _I _wanted and perhaps if we had a bigger house he'd still be here -
so I too wanted less pain...


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Knor- the fact that you asked him to leave had NOTHING to do why he left- as you acknowledge. He left because he wanted to leave- and a REASON TO ASSIGN RESPONSIBILITY TO you!
We can't make anyone do anything in life-including to love us the way we deserve. I was thinking as I attempted to sleep last night, perhaps the people who leave are the ones who are miserable with THEMSELVES and that is the reason they cannot love in a relationship anymore. If you cannot love yourself, you certaintly cannot give or RECIEVE anything from someone else. I am certain no matter what the reason, from things she has said and the way she has acted the last year or so, my wife does not love herself. Now, she has convinced herself that she does not love herself because of me; because of everything I did and failed to do that alienated her from happiness all these years. Go figure that!

UPDATE: I mentioned that my wife has been doing a lot of purging in the house the last 4 months. She started with cleaning the attic areas and throwing our crap from years ago; donating the rest; she then went on to spare bedroom and clothes she never wore- did the same; then, she went through our daughter's room and clothes- same idea -sorted out everything, donated some, kept remaining; now, she has started on her clothes in her bedroom in last month. First step, she took everything out of her dresser and has been purging; last night, I came home and she apparently came to the house last night (she is staying at her mothers home) and took about 1/2 the clothes in closet (looks like items she does not wear much or needs to sort) back to her mothers. I suspect it is for the same reason. I will note, she has brought back our daughter's clothes and they are hanging in her room; and has told me she needs to bring back more items to our house that she sorted through- but that has not happened yet. Our daughter tells me that grandma's garage has all the bags of sorted clothes she is keeping and she donated the rest as the car was filled several times. What does everyone think is going on? Is she planning to leave or is she planning to come home in the future? Neither? I ask people and I get different responses. She has mentioned she is sorting through clothes tod ecide what to throw out but I don't really believe anything I hear anymore- and only some of what I see from her. It feels so abusive-this behavior of witholding what the heck she is doing. However, if I were to say something like- what are you doing? Are you planning to move out? this would be pursuing behavior and would likely not serve my objectives well. Agree? Just perplexed here!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

WP - deep psychological connections between clothes and 'the self' - clothes are 'portable' environments and also expressions of different selves, and different times and occassions in our lives - highly significant personal items

and the sorting thing - seems easy to read in some ways - 
my interpretation (if it means anything) would be that it is something she 'feels she can do' - it would seem like a poignant symbol of how she feels about her life - a mess that needs to be sorted - she can't sort her life but sorting the clothes helps her feel like she has some sense of history, some sense of what she likes and doesn't (hence the bags she is keeping and those that are going out) and some sense of control...these are also things that she has most likely been intimately connected with...
( I don't know is she a 'clothes' person?)


the way that I am reading this is in relation to my H - who hasn't 'sorted' any of our separation really but wants to come over and mow the lawn because the prickles are driving him nuts - 

it's like this tiny miopic thing he can do and think about - it is making things 'better' - he canmake sure the boys have a nice lawn to play on ...

So I think you can ask as many questions as you like - that's not pursuing - that's just common sense - it is also a mundane daily activity - I'd be casual about it - even introduce humour ? If you let he think that you are asking because you want to know whether she is coming back that could be interpreted as pursuing - 

will her answer give you any idea of what the future holds? - no way 

now I am going to say something you may not want to hear.

when they make up their mind it no longer matters whether you are pursuer or not...they have gone .........pursuing won't help YOU so that's why you shouldn't do it....and why you will stop....


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

WP.....Have you looked into Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? If not, you may want to visit the bpdfamily.org message boards.

Nook-Support Group and Message Board


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Knor- thanks for carefully reviewing my post and your insightful reply! You may be right. Though, it is all so bizarre to me. Just note- I have not and do not plan to even ask her about what she is doing because it won't matter either way. I guess, despite wanting her home, I am trying to secure something to get some direction for closure one way or another. I try to put myself in her shoes and figure out why someone would live their life in this complete limbo without moving forward one way or another. or, could it be, that she is continually moving forward and I just have not been advised yet?

ie- I agree completely with your comment- question: How do we know when they have moved on? How do we know when a woman/wife has moved on? I would expect she would tell me- or am I living in complete denial again?


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

D8zed- interesting you brought that up- what made you say that? Curious?

My therapist brought this up from what Iw as saying- she had huge abandonment issues (thought I was always going to leave her for someone else) and then BAM, she walks out of the marriage with no explanation. Apparently, abandonment is the central theme in this disorder and when someone is gravely threatened with feeling they will be abandoned, they will leave first! But, we discussed whether I would have seen more signs earlier................ I am not sure. Perhaps this is the mental illness issue that we all have been discussing but don't quite know what is happening.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

My guess She won't tell you - not directly - this may because she doesn't know (my H played that card for a long time but in your wife's case it could be true) 

but my H never told me the realtionship was over - 

I 'found out' through reading body language and MY SON ! 

he told me one day that dad had spoken to him and had said he didn't think he was ever coming back....

and they think this is a way of 'not hurting?' 

sorry getting carried away on my own stuff here - 

you aren't in denial - you are just trying to work it out -

you don't know the future - at the moment she isn't there. I'd work with that.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

wp, i have had a bit of experience in what the shrinks call mood disorders...there are many,please take d8zed's advice and check out the website! these illnesses do seem so bizarre to so many of us. they are so hard to fully understand and if you try to figure them out so to speak it will drive you crazy!
i had had SEVERE anxiety issues since i was 17 years old. my parents were great getting me the best drs and and what not. however it wasnt until last summer at the age of 38 do i feel i was correctly dx as having panic disorder. i had been on numerous meds...way back, like i said at the end of my high school years. when i had my mini stroke is when the cardiologist ordered sooo many damn tests, and finally figured it out. it is hard for someone who has something like this to explain it to anyone. if this is the case with your wife, she truly may have no recognition of what she is actually doing...i wish you the best, it is not an easy road but i will tell you if there is something up and you have a professional get involved, when the right dx is made and correct medications taken, you will see the woman she really is again!.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She may feel the need to simplify her life, declutter it. Maybe there is too much to manage at home? 

I started to wonder, does she think she is dying?

Other than leaving, I don't see BPD in her, truthfully... You would definitely have seen something before.

Also, about her leaving your daughter... maybe she thinks your daughter is better off w/o her. 

Or, maybe she believes you are/were only out to get *her* and that your daughter is safe.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Waiting Patiently said:


> D8zed- interesting you brought that up- what made you say that? Curious?
> 
> My therapist brought this up from what Iw as saying- she had huge abandonment issues (thought I was always going to leave her for someone else) and then BAM, she walks out of the marriage with no explanation. Apparently, abandonment is the central theme in this disorder and when someone is gravely threatened with feeling they will be abandoned, they will leave first! But, we discussed whether I would have seen more signs earlier................ I am not sure. Perhaps this is the mental illness issue that we all have been discussing but don't quite know what is happening.


WP.... I mentioned BPD based on some your W's behaviors that you described. Read through the FAQ section of the forum I mentioned if you're interested. You might also consider reading some of the 'children of BPD parents' stuff. 

But keep in mind the purpose of your research - self education only. Don't even try to diagnose your W. And even if you become fairly certain she is BPD, don't share that info with her because it could be met with ugly resistance.

I wish you and your D the best.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Thanks for everyones input.

I have no idea whether her earlier paranoid thoughts Iw as trying to poison her carried to our daughter. I would say-No- as you indicate because our daughter stays with me quite a bit-from the onset. Interesting, my wife comes by the house each day to get mail, pet dog and give her a bone, and do odds and ends like get more clothes to bring to her mother's to sort out. Sometimes I think she comes by because she wants to keep a watchful eye on what may be going on as well. Nevertheless, she has a hard time looking me squarely in the face when we cross paths at the house- treats me like a freind or some acquaitence- no emotion lately which is a departure from a month or so ago! But, then again, I am pulling away from her because I am not trying to pursue her at all. One would think that if she truly thought I was still trying to poison or somehow do harm to her (paranoia) that she just would avaoid the house all together?- right? She still comes at times when I am there and our daughter is somewhere else-ie alone! So i don't think she is afraid to come by or be near me anymore- What is everyone's take on her regular contact in coming to the house? Very weird to me- perhaps an emotional attachment she cannot let go of.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It could be a bit of territoriality.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

wp, as we have talked about it b4 our situations as far as living arrangements are so similar.my h does the same...at first it was for the girls. i know now it is bcause of the "family". in my case he still wont admit this, however he is spending more and more time here, sometimes after the girls go to sleep.
then there is the vaca...any individual would NOT do the things he did for me while we were away if there was no love or bond left between them.
i would take the mental illness route as it seems something is off...i know with my h and the depleted testosterone a lot of the time can justify his mood swings, lack of or too many emotions etc.
it sounds to me like she wants to be there but for whatever her reasons cant. i wouldnt think she is paranoid or afraid of you either as she is coming by when your d isnt there.
could she possibly be reaching out for you to help her, but wont come out and do it? fear? i dont know but something is definately amiss...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Whatever her reason for sorting..it makes her feel better. She wouldn't do it otherwise. 

Applying logic, whether it's a mental health issue or not, isn't going to work with our spouses. They don't make sense and they don't get it. 

You are doing the right thing but backing off. What else can you do? Really nothing that I have found. 

It's good to come here and vent. It's helped me a great deal.


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