# Why can't I stop asking "WHY?"



## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

My husband of 11 years announced he was a bad man and had to leave. He is my second husband and I have 2 children from my first marriage... they were only 4 and 7 when I married him. Six years ago he moved out for 3 months and the day after he moved home I found out he had been living with another woman and her daughter. I was devastated! I struggled through, sought marriage counseling and found a way to forgive him and move on with our marriage. I believed he was sorry and it would never happen again. About 2 weeks after he announced he was leaving I found out he had met "someone"... I said that if he had a place to go that why didn't he and he did. After he left he was still controling what I did. He refused to pay the bills. told me he would give me money for the cable bill if I gave him in writing that I had either cancelled the bill totally or reduced it below $100 so I could afford it in MY budget. He lead me right to it. I ended up calling the cable company to see what changes I could make and ended up with his e-mail account. When I opened it I went into complete shock. I found indescent pics of him that he sent to people, found dating ads, requests for swingers parties and so much more.... I was devastated! He has totally abandoned us! He kept asking me to just sign for an amicable divorce without attorneys. I found he has kept money from me for at least a year and is now giving me nothing. I lost my job a year and half ago and have been seeking employment since... took a parttime job to supplement unemployment and have now lost unemployment too. WHY did he do this to us? WHY didn't he just leave before doing all these horrible things? WHY ME? How do I stop shaking 24/7? I am going to lose the house I have lived in for 19 years with my children now too! WHY? How do I find the strength to get through this? I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. WHY?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, fear. First off, let me just tell you how sorry I am that you are going through such a horrible situation.

I'm glad you are here. You will find many people who have been in exactly the same situation as you.

Secondly, you have to stop asking WHY, because WHY doesn't matter right now. What matters is your future. He is asking you to sign for an amicable divorce without attorneys so that he can sscrew you over. Did you? Did you sign?

If not, don't. If you did, well, then, you have some rebuilding to do. 

Please keep posting here, you will find a lot of support.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, I can tell you why. He is a selfish bastard. That is the "why." When he did all these terrible things, he wasn't thinking about you or the children. His pleasure is paramount, and that is why he made the choices that he did.

I don't know much about divorce law. I would seek legal counsel to try to figure out how you can reverse this financial situation. There are free legal / pro bono clinics if you are in the U.S. that can give you some assistance and advice. Or perhaps you may be able to find an attorney to take pity on you and figure out how to get paid via your husband's absconded money, which is likely half yours. Just because he hid it from you, doesn't mean he gets to keep it.

Right now, you are still in a state of shock. That happens when someone betrays you this deeply.He clearly kept a huge part of his life hidden from you. You thought you knew him, but you did not. The person you thought you loved, and who loved you, doesn't exist. 

If you aren't in counseling, I would do what I could to find that help too. In the U.S., many counselors work on a sliding scale so you only pay what you can afford. 

If you can't afford counseling, look in your local library for books that discuss how to heal when a partner has a sex addiction. While your husband might not qualify as a true addict (he may just be a selfish bastard), these types of books can help you heal and recover from the betrayal. There are quite a few good ones out there. If your library doesn't have any books that qualify, identify the ones you really want and ask for them via inter-library loan.


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

OH NO! I DIDN'T sign! I got an attorney and I filed on my own! I filed for abandonment, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and infidelity. He has left me with nothing but my children! He won't even tell me if he has an attorney... although I found communication with one in his e-mail. I filed over a week ago and he should have received notice to pick up the papers at court by now, but my attorney and I haven't heard a thing from him or his attorney. I'm just at the point that I want to get moving forward. I feel like I'm stuck! I can't move forward and rebuild until this is behind me. I know I will never take him back, but why is there still part of me longing for him?


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

Thank you Iheartlife! I did find a counselor last week.... it is going to be a long haul. I was reading other posts and I think my H fits NPD diagnosis perfectly! He had a very traumatic childhood. He always told everyone that I was the best thing that ever happened to him... he continues to tell people how much he loves me but can't be with me... how messed up is that? How do you do this to someone you love and who has loved you back with everything they have?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Fear, I am so glad to hear you have an atty! And if he is not answering things, you are already halfway to victory.

As far as the longing? Well, that's because you are human. It happens. It happens to all of us, and it hurts. You just have to gut through it. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you an answer that would make it all go away, but I can't. It just is, and you get over it eventually.

Keep in mind that you are missing the person you thought he was, not the person that he actually was.


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

You are right lamaga... I do miss the person I thought he was and what I thought we had!


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

We all miss the person we thought we were married to. Painfully, we have all found out that we really didn't know the person we were married to at all. You have a long road ahead of you, I am still traveling my long road and it is hard. Hang in there, take it one day at a time, then those days will turn to one week at a time and then one month at a time. I have made it to the one month at a time stage financially right now. It wasn't so long ago that I doing it one day at a time. I can see that I have made progress and you will too!


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

Another day... made it! I went to my 2nd counseling session this morning and now off to work. Noone has heard a word from either my H or his atty... I am actually wondering if he hit the road... Now that he knows what I know and he should have received notice of the divorce papers, he will probably ride off into the sunset. He has a history before me of doing that. I really thought this is what he wanted and he found the family he has looked for all of his life. I couldn't have loved him more. I can't believe he has done this to my children and I. My son last night said that the only thing he had to stick around for was them and he hasn't even tried to contact them now in 3 weeks. It is for the better and they don't want to talk to him, but they said it would have been nice to know he had tried to contact them. My heart breaks for my children! What happens if he did take off? Will they look for him? Will I really be left with NO money? I'm scared! I have so many emotions that I am not sure what I feel. I feel like I need to release it, but I don't know how.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

His total abandoment (because that is what this is) signals that he intends to abscond with marital funds. I hope your lawyer is aware of all of this.

Where does your husband work?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Why did he do this? because he is scum. Betrayal is hard and you were blindsided. You feel like a fool by giving him your heart and he ripped it apart.

None of us have the answers. All you do is try to take it day by day and try to move on.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> His total abandoment (because that is what this is) signals that he intends to abscond with marital funds. I hope your lawyer is aware of all of this.
> 
> Where does your husband work?


Yes. Fear. 

Did you bring bank books, IRS statements, etc.

The attorney should be able to freeze the assets so he can't steal or hide assets now since filing, 

Also, the attorney can hire a forensic accountant. 

The bills will be paid through marital assets.


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

The waiting and unknown is starting to drive me crazy. He still hasn't been served. He won't answer my e-mails. He hasn't sent any money since 5/29. He hasn't tried to reach out to the kids he has helped raise since they were 4 and 7. I don't understand how someone can take 12 years and just walk away and not care whatsoever! I just want to get to court! I can't stand waiting! I keep having this tremendous desire to call him and talk to him.... but why? What would I really say and would I even get any answers? I'm going CRAZY!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

"Why" doesn't matter because its not your fault, Don't let the "why" of it bother you just yet, its happened , whats your next move?


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

That's the problem. I've stopped asking why but feel stuck. I am waiting for papers to be served and go for temporary orders. I am angry and scared! I want to call him up and say "What the FXXXX?" Really? After 12 years you can't even answer an e-mail? You can't even give me some money to take care of the house and kids? I want to slap him! I want to move on and this waiting is driving me CRAZY!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Resist that urge, vent all that frustration here just let it out but do not for no reason other than emergencies regarding the children contact him

Remember giving him the cold shoulder acts as revenge in itself, 

Get a new hairstyle and buy some new clothes , exercise and stay healthy and spend some quality time with your children and develop a new hobby

Good luck


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

Thank you!


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

that is normal, its not easy what you going through


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Go after his atty--if he is hiding your H---call the state bar assoc---and get their help---or your atty should know what to do------If he has skipped out---can't you post the service in the newspaper------or just go in ex-parte

What if he was missing on a tropic isle somewhere----after a time period, of the missing person not showing up---you can get a D.

You can check on wages etc---thru his social security #---You are still his wife---you are allowed access to that info---and it will tell you if he has a bank acct somewhere---that you can levy


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

He hasn't hired an attorney that we know of yet. He said 3 weeks ago he was going to hire one and have him contact my atty but hasn't. If he doesn't pick up the papers from the court by the end of the week, then a constable will go out to find him and serve him. My atty says after several attempts if he can't find him then we will go to court without him uncontested. Once we get to court temporary orders go into place and we will go after garnishing pay and finding his bank accounts. It is just the waiting to do everything feels like it is taking forever! My patience are wearing thin! It is just so unreal to me. I never thought he would do this to us! I suppose noone ever thinks it will be them. Why do people do these things? I can't fathom it. I believe if you aren't happy you say so and if it can't be fixed you move on before you do anything like this or hurt someone you supposedly cared so much for. I guess you've got to be a pretty shallow person to cheat in my book. This man though has cheated, lied, stolen, completely abandoned and abused me, done reallly kinky things with others and all the while having me believe he needed help and that was why he wasn't have sex with me. I was doing everything possible to support him and get him through whatever he was going through. He'll never find someone to support him, care for him and love him as much as I did. He always said I was the best thing that ever happened to him after such a troubled life. I really believed he had found the love and family he never had and always wanted. What did he do? Threw us away!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry, friend, he's a sociopath. Protect yourself from him.


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

Another day.... I spent yesterday cleaning out more things in prep for moving. Today I am taking the 2 dogs and a cat to be surrendered as I can't afford to feed them anymore. I need the money I have to take care of my boys and save to move into an apartment. I have still heard nothing from H or atty. He is the one who said he wanted a divorce and now he isn't doing anything about it! I just want to get it behind me so I can move on and not have it be such a focus in my head! I still feel like calling him.... stupid! For some reason I think it would make a difference to have him hear MY voice. Does anyone know how many times the sheriff/constable will try to serve before they give up? The longer this goes on, the longer I have to wait to get to court and get temporary orders. In the mean time my head is out of control with imagining what will happen and what he will do. Afterall, he is a habitual liar and will come up with every lie possible to turn this on me. He had the gall to go to family members and say things like.... she never cleans (NOT), I have no control over her boys, she has financial issues (NOT), she can't remember conversations and is dillusional (NOT)... you need to get her help.... and so on! He actually had me looking in the mirror and wondering wtf is wrong with me!!!


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I hurt for your plight! I am sorry you are here. I hope things get better for you and your children! Take care! Ben!!!


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

Thank you, Ben!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

get a hold of a womens shelter in your area, they will help more than you know, they can put you in touch with free legal aid (cut his nuts off money wise!), help find you some $,counseling etc etc, thats what they do, they are they to help you...praying for you.

PS, he's a **** bag!!!!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

I know you dont feel very strong at this point, but believe what I'm going to tell you....You have the upper hand at this point,you really do!
He left you and the kids high and dry, get pissed off, channel the anger to work for you and the kids, get the legal aid fast, hit him fast and hard where the sun dont shine, go for everything you can....


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

You were the best thing that ever happened to him - you are a good person. He is not a good person and he just gave up the lottery....what a stupid, stupid man.

You sound like you are doing great (considering), and stay motivated to do what you have to for you and your children. Don't try to contact him anymore, but let your attorney and any other ouside help assist as much as they can. 

You will come out of this ahead.

Does he have family that you can contact to see if they have heard anything? 

Can you call his employer to see if he has reported to work or when the last time was?

If he is totally missing, did you both have life insurance policies? Did he seem depressed prior to all of this coming about? Is he the type of person that would do something totally insane (besides the infidelity issues)?

Does he have a passport or friends/family elsewhere?

Hugs from one BS/mom to another


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

This really is a really good website for those of us going through this tragedy in our lives. I so appreciate hearing from everyone and knowing I am not alone. It is now 24 hrs since I dropped our dogs off to be surrendered.... I miss them! I went to therapy today and she also suggested that I contact his family. I am very close to all of them and they have been very supportive. With everything he has chosen to do to ruin what we had, you think he could at least be respectful and responsible! I think I am finally really getting mad! I have my moments of tears, but I actually can see "red" now! He is such a loser! I am ashamed I ever married this man! I do know he is getting my e-mails at his work e-mail as I get confirmation of them being read, but he doesn't answer. I am hoping that by tomorrow I'll hear something from the court.... waiting is driving me insane! I think I'll ask my attorney if it is possible to go forward to get emergency orders in the mean time... you would think something could be done! Sometimes I just want to crawl in a corner and cry myself to death. The whole picture of what I'm facing is so large and overwhelming! Before him I was a successful single mom in this beautiful home my first husband and I built and taking care of my boys without any issues. Now it is all blowing up around me! I need a job! I need a place to live! I need to make sure my boys are okay! I need to clean out this house I have lived in for 19 years! I need to get to court! I need my life back!


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

I hate these days! I have been so strong and now today I can't stop crying! I just don't get it... why do I care? I hate him! I want to move on with my life and my kids! I feel so stuck! In my head I can't comprehend him not caring. Yet, I feel like he is dead. I don't miss him at all. But then all of a sudden I remember something and my heart aches! When does the rollercoaster stop? How do you get it to stop? How do you find a way to move forward and stop thinking about the past, what could have been? Shouldn't everything he's done to me be enough to stop anything inside that once loved him? It is stupid for me to even care at this point. Days like today I want to crawl in a hole and disappear! Yet part of me also wants someone to come up to me and put their arms around me like he used to and tell me everything will be okay. I actually have a pic hanging that I bought that says "I'll always be safe here in your arms." and that is really how I felt. He had the best hugs and when he put his arms around me and held me I felt safe. Nothing feels safe anymore! I want to make it go away! I want to forget everything! I wish I had never met him! How can someone hurt someone else like this? I just want to make it all go away!!!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I keep asking why as well. The most intense part of my fiance's EA was more than 18 months ago. He killed off the "friendship" completely about a year ago.

And yes, the details annoy me still. From looking at the facts between them ie messages between them; receipts; it appears to me that he was courting her. He was certainly treating her better than he was treating me.....at a time when he knew she was doing online dating and starting see one guy regularly.

He keeps wanting to frame it as "just a friend." which irks the hell out of me. 

I ask myself, why do I need him to admit that he was really into her until she proved (by not returning a kiss) that she was never going to be his girlfriend.


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## SoAngrySoHurt (Jul 11, 2012)

Fear,
My heart goes out to you. I have felt many of the feelings that you have shared here. Thank your for your willingness to share and for being so open, though our situations are quite different the betrayal, the disbelief, the utter horror that anyone could do such things are all feelings I am still trying to figure out how to handle. This post may come too late or not be appropriate but after my husbands PA our house went into foreclosure and even now over a year later things are just starting to go back to normal with the house. I googled how not to go into foreclosure and called The Homeowner's HOPE™ Hotline. I would have lost my home without their advice and assistance. It is free and if you google it i'm sure you can find their number. It may not help but, but then again it might. And maybe it will be something active to do while all the other waiting is going on. Please take this as a sharing of something that helped me incredibly not as something to make life more crazy if it is not helpful disregard and take away from this post that you are not alone and the pain does fade over time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YOu have not been here for a week. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Are you OK?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

It's going to be ok fearsnotk, 

I don't really have enough to go on here to make a sound judgement towards his true character, the man he was when things were good, but I can offer insight into who he is now. The name of the game is image maintenance, played through emotionally manipulative tactics through rules he sets himself. Take a look at this article on emotional abusers and see if anything rings a bell.
Inside the Mind of an Abuser: What you Need to Know

Keep in mind this is all about a power struggle. Like the one in which you went through after the honeymoon before you established roles, only now the OW is getting the flowers and you're getting the thorns. I mean he really trying hard to impress the other woman, and with you wanting more of him you're getting all the misery and anxiety he refuses to show her. The only way you you're going to get this to stop and have him be humane with you is to agree with him and completely leave him alone for a while.

You would think a man you were married to for 12 years would give you money and want to talk to you, but again he's not playing fair. So long as you keep chasing after him you're playing right into his hand and giving him the validation he needs. Once you agree with his decision with gratitude and go completely dark you'll see him reach out for that attention and try to win you back with sweet gestures. It's only going to be to keep from experiencing the true fear of loss and losing you before he's ready so be on your guard and don't let him entice you with the the sweet side of a viscous cycle. 

To answer your original question.... You keep asking why because you feel betrayed and powerless hoping maybe the answers you seek will ease your mind, but they wont. You're going to keep punishing yourself because you want things the way they were during the honeymoon and can't come to terms with the painful present. You need to stop defending the image he presented to you as "wonderful" and find enough reasons to stop chasing him and stop letting him manipulate your feelings. He's being a d!ck, let him speak to you through an aggressive attorney who will not be intimidated and who will get you the money you deserve. 

Honestly, you need to get an aggressive lawyer who will make him share his money or lose it all. And honey, if he's been having an affair, abandoned his family, hid money, and God knows what else..... whatever defense he has in mind won't be good enough.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Oh my gosh, Fear... I am so sorry you're going through all of this. Your story is eerily similar to my own. From length together to children to no job. I competely understand your wanting to know, "WHY??" I ask myself that every day, many many times. And like you, I'm still waiting for an answer that I doubt will ever come.

I'm praying for you. I'm praying for your children also. Mine are what's kept me going throughout this whole nightmare. I'm sure you relate. I keep trying to fast forward at whatever point I'll be able to look back at all of this and feel healthy again. Will we be ok? Will I ever trust anyone again? I don't know. But, what I do know is that we are so much stronger than we ever thought we were. One day, your children will be able to look you in the eyes and thank you for being such an incredible Mom. They will learn what it takes to make a relationship work.. the right way. Not because of him, but despite him. I know how much it hurts, how much you want to make the world stop just so you can catch up.. and eventually you will. You're being taught many many things right now, and as much as it hurts, you're teaching your children an incredible lesson too and they're going to be amazing people simply because they have you for their Mom.. Hang in there


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

Thank you for all the words of encouragement and caring... I can not express what it means to me! The past few weeks have been difficult. I had to surrender our 2 dogs to the shelter on my own as he wouldn't answer my e-mails (although he was very precise that he wanted to be the one to take them). The shelter treated me with so much respect, dignity and simpathy and did not ask me for a dime. One day I shall return and make a donation to them. My kids have been going through an anger stage.... actually taking it out on me. My therapist says it is because they know how much I love them, they trust me and they know I will never abandon them. I have sat with them and gotten them to open up and talk... it was good. 

The sheriff went out last week to find my H and couldn't. I called his cell Monday and of course he didn't answer. He did, however, call me back yesterday morning. He wanted to know what I wanted. I asked if he could talk for a moment and he said sure. He asked about the boys and I told him... he then proceeded to tell me that one of them pocket dialed him from their cell phone one day and he heard us talking that we were strong and better off with him. He then actually told me that it hurt him! I asked what he expected... no answer! He then told me that I obviously gave him bad information about my attorney as I would know that he has already filed for divorce.... YA, RIGHT! I said I have asked him multiple times for his attorney's information and he hasn't provided it. He said he would get his day started and e-mail it to me later. At one point in the conversation he even started yelling at me and started with all of his head games again and how this is all my fault. I said I was shocked that he could so totally abandon us without even any financial support after all the years we had been together and I had supported the family through him being laid off. He had a bull**** answer about that too as he is always trying to blame me for his spending habits! Anyway.... I ended up having a pretty emotional day... went off to my part-time job and struggled through the 4 hrs there even though I wanted to crawl into bed and throw the covers over my head. As I was driving home... I'm not sure what struck me, but I decided enough was enough... if he hadn't sent me his attorneys contact information then I was going to call again and get it. I got home to no e-mail and called him... he actually answered and seemed shocked it was me... I said that he didn't e-mail the info as promised... he said he has been working all day.... I said that he indicated he was going to send it once he got the day started and he hadn't. Of course... his answer was that he would get to it in a bit then. I told him that wasn't good enough and there was no reason he had to e-mail it to me... just tell me who it is. He did. Of course, it is a lawyer I have evidence of him talking to months ago! He had told me he wasn't a divorce attorney, but he would be willing to keep our costs down and draft it up with my H's criteria and we could just both sign it as unreconciable differences! BULL! I wasn't signing anything, which of course he didn't like because he is trying to pull a fast one. The attorney actually specializes in divorce when you look up his information. I sent the info to my attorney and he was going to call today... I haven't heard anything back yet. 

However! When I went into e-mail to send it to my attorney I also received a new e-mail from a company I had sent my resume to and they wanted to set-up an interview for Thurs! I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW FOR A FULL-TIME JOB... PRETTY GOOD PAYING! It was the first time through this whole ordeal that I actually saw a speck of light at the end of my tunnel!!!!! Finances are such a big stress right now! I have no idea how I am going to afford an apartment when they evict us from our home and if I can get a job it will be such a great relief. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow that it goes well! I need all the good vibes I can get! TY!

I just finished reading a book called "Runaway Husband" and it spoke miles to me! If you haven't read it... get it! It has helped me so much! There is so much in there that I would actually drop the book to my lap, drop my chin to the floor and be in disbelief that it was exactly what I was or had gone through! Excellent source of support and encouragment!

TY all as I continue on this rollercoaster of a ride! I just keep hoping the dips eventually aren't so deep!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like things started to pick up as the day wore on. Good luck on the job!! 

If your husband had file for divorce, won't it be filed at a court? To me it sounds like he just spoke to an attorney.

I know here that my attorney would have to do is to call the county records office and ask if anything had been filed.


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

Yes, my attorney was going to call his today. We'll find out if he actually filed anything, but more than likely it is just another lie. He is an habitual liar. I've never seen anything like it before. I hoped I would hear something today, but didn't. Maybe tomorrow I'll get an update. It feels good to know some things are moving forward. I want him out of my life! I can't believe I ever took him back 6 yrs ago when he had his first affair. It will be a long time before I'll ever trust someone again!


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Asking this is normal.

It's been said that asking "why?" is your minds way of crying out 
in pain over what you're going through.

I'm going through it too. Ugh.


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