# how do you handle disrespectful behavior?



## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

So oftentimes my H speaks to me or treats me in a manner i find disrepectful and/or immature.

First example... hubby has found a new hobby he enjoys - cycling. We both bought bikes and rode at the park over the weekend and had a great time. So on Tuesdsay, I get a text message from him while I'm at work asking if I wanted to bike in the park after work, it's a nice day out. I replied that I would like to but I have a 7pm appointment so will not be home in time. He does not reply. On my way home after the appointment, I decided I want to pick up dinner for both of us. I call the house phone and he doesn't answer. I know he's home and I think maybe he fell asleep. I call another 5 times and no answer. So I just pick him up what I think he'll like. I get home and he's sitting in the bedroom playing a game on the ipad. I told him I picked up dinner. He replied that he didn't want any. I then ask why didn't he answer the phone. He responded that yes, he heard it ringing about 5 times but knew it was me and didn't feel like getting up to go answer it. He said he knew it was me calling about something stupid like picking up dinner, so he didn't bother to answer it. I asked him again why he didn't pick up the phone...he knew it was me, and what if it was an emergency? He said if I was able to call then I wasn't dead so it's not worth getting up to answer the phone! He also said he was pissed that I "went ahead and made other plans" and therefore couldn't go bike riding. My appointment was made a week in advance. To me, this is very immature behavior.

Then last night, I misplaced my house keys. I have struggled with ADHD my whole life, and misplacing things happens from time to time as a result. Never lost my house keys though. So H goes on and on about how he has to change all the locks in the house now. About 10 minutes later he asks me "why are you such a loser?" I told him I'm not a loser and I dont' appreciated being called that. he said "you should feel like a loser, you should feel retarded and stupid because you can't find your keys and now I have to replace all the locks" This really hurt because most of my childhood I was criticized by parents and teachers because of the issues caused by ADHD which no one knew existed at the time. But my H should know better, he knows I have this condition and it's been a lifelong struggle. 

Other than responding that I don't want to be spoken to in that manner, how else should I handle the situation? I'm so tempted sometimes to stoop to his level but I know that's not the best way to handle it!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I have to say im sorry he said that. I know it is already hard enough feeling bad about those little things on your own. You can only voice your feelings in hopes that he will be the patient understanding and accepting husband. You know two wrongs dont make it right. Stick to that! Has he spoke to you like that before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

OMG how he treated you is beyond disrespectful, IT'S HORRIBLE!!! This is verbal abuse. Is this a one time thing, or was this just one example of how he treats you? How dare he? You're being thoughtful and considerate of him, and he treats you like the scum of the earth that he can't be bothered with. Even when I don't want to answer the phone (family is eating dinner, have company over, etc), I WILL answer the phone when it's the same person twice in a row. And to call you stupid? That is beyond the beyond.

Do NOT have kids with this man. Or do you already? I wouldn't take this by calmly saying, "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk to me that way." I would point my finger at him at say DON'T YOU EVER DARE SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY EVER AGAIN!!!!!

If this is how he talks to you, even if every now and then, you have to decide if you want to be married to someone who treats you so incredibly badly.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

My wife also thinks dinner plans are an emergency worth bugging me about five times also and that I should cater to her neurotic crap about it when I want to chill out. It is beyond ridiculous you cant get the picture that your being thoughtful isnt thoughtful. Its annoying. Being thoughtful would be accepting that he doesnt care and get over it. Different strokes for different folks. Not everyone has to appreciate the things that dont mean jack to them.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

It's not a one time thing, and it's not every day, but two things he doesn't handle well are anger and not getting his way. So he does things like this fairly often. I can understand him not wanting to be bothered with me calling about picking up dinner, but why couldn't he just answer the phone and tell me he wasn't interested? That's what I would have done. Also, he is the first one to complain that there's nothing to eat in the house. And what if I wasn't calling about dinner? What if i was stuck on the side of the road somewhere? There was no way for him to know for sure what I was calling about.

We do not have kids. We were trying for a bit and then I decided I didn't want to try anymore because I don't want to bring a kid into a marriage I'm not sure about anymore. I do realize I need to be more firm about standing up for myself. I feel like he does whatever he thinks he can get away with.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Because he didnt want to. Why cant you let him be himself. He isnt doing anything to you. You are trying to force him to do something he doesnt want to do. 

It is astonishing its so hard to grasp for you and my wife. We don't want to be bothered

You dont handle not getting your way well either. You are complaining that he wont do him your way and youre pissed about it


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you could have been stuck on the side of the road somewhere. He either didn't care if you were or he was in full punishment mode about the bike ride.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Good start lousy finish. Stop being dramatic and find common ground to interact about and leave the crap neither of you want to hear about out of it.

There is a happy zone in there where you both like the subjects. Make a list of them along with a list of subjects you dont like and exchange them with each other. 

MY wife and I both like certain subjects and dont like others. We accept most of them and some of them we cant seem to help ourselves but it is better since we started working on it. 

You need to start with stopping all the all or nothing drama. Its a cognitive distortion (google it) They contribute to and often cause depression

P.S. My wife and trade idiot subjects like trading cards. Ill trade you a no more talk about your sisters a ***** for no more talk about bad customer service


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

I got this said:


> Good start lousy finish. Stop being dramatic and find common ground to interact about and leave the crap neither of you want to hear about out of it.
> 
> There is a happy zone in there where you both like the subjects. Make a list of them along with a list of subjects you dont like and exchange them with each other.
> 
> ...


That is good advice regarding finding common ground. I still didn't think I deserved the reactions I did in those two situations. When my husband does something i don't like, I don't fling insults at him, or completely disregard his existence. And I know you think I'm being overdramatic about being in a ditch, but there was a time where my husband was calling me incessantly and it's a good thing I picked up because he had sliced his hand open with a knife and needed me to get home asap to take him to the ER. Sh!t does happen.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

He called you a loser?! I'm sorry, that is so hurtful.  I want to give you a hug. And then you nicely pick up dinner for him, and that's how he responds? 

Has he always been like this? I would tell him to never talk to you like that again.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> So H goes on and on about how he has to change all the locks in the house now. About 10 minutes later he asks me "why are you such a loser?" I told him I'm not a loser and I dont' appreciated being called that. he said "you should feel like a loser, you should feel retarded and stupid because you can't find your keys and now I have to replace all the locks"


I don't care how annoying a spouse is or whatever, but this language is uncalled for and should never be used. *Ever.* He sounds like an immature brat, no matter what Mr. I Got This up above says. All spouses are annoying and have their quirks. It does not ever excuse calling your spouse a "loser" or "retarded."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

toomuchtotell,

In the future make only one call to your husband for something like picking up dinner. If he does not respond then don't get it for him. He can make his own meals.


The things he said to you are very disrespectful. He’s abusive.

How often does he talk to you like this?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I am glad that you realized that you should not try to have kids with this verbally abusive guy until either his hurtful ways stop or you leave. I'm glad that option is on the table for you but it would not be on the table for kids who would be forced to hear their father call their mother a loser and an idiot.

I totally disagree with IGOTTHIS. I don't care if you are the most boring person on earth and talk about the most inane comatose worthy stuff. NOBODY NOBODY deserves to be called stupid and a loser. I bet he never called you that when you were dating. And I bet if he did, you wouldn't be married to him right now. I bet this isn't the same guy you married. He has turned ugly. Very ugly. Does he get his kicks out of making you feel bad? What kind of high does he get from this? What kind of human would treat and speak to another human this way? And to treat a wife this way? THe woman who is supposed to be the love of his life?

And are you supposed to want to be intimate with a guy who calls you stupid and a loser? 

Only you know how much of this abuse you can take, but don't brush this under the rug or rationalize it somehow in your own mind that it's not a big deal or that somehow you are to blame. You should read him the riot act and tell him that if he ever speaks to you that way again, you're walking. Or at least let him know that you are so serious, that the marriage is in danger. Let him find some other poor soul to abuse.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I got this said:


> You are all missing the point. She drives him nuts with the endless over communication of trivial BS and then gets all dramatic about being in a ditch when he calls bullzhit on her annoying over communication about every little thing he doesnt care about


Her post says NO such thing! You are personalizing this into your own situation. 

And by the way, if you really don't want to be bothered by communication with your wife, you shouldn't have a wife. Marriage is largely a practice in communication. If talking to your wife IS so unbearable, then you're the problem.

Normal people TALK to their spouses.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

OP, your husband is a verbally abusive SOB. I'm sorry to say it, but it should be said. He is just MEAN. And you don't deserve that.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

I got this said:


> Because he didnt want to. Why cant you let him be himself. He isnt doing anything to you. You are trying to force him to do something he doesnt want to do.
> 
> It is astonishing its so hard to grasp for you and my wife. We don't want to be bothered
> 
> You dont handle not getting your way well either. You are complaining that he wont do him your way and youre pissed about it


I don't disagree that the husband is annoyed by trivial conversation, but why talk to his wife that way? The keys is a great example of him demeaning her, that IS wrong to do to her. 

Whatever happened to kindness? Women and men are different and communicate differently, I thought marriage was about meeting each others needs. Why cant the Husband respond to her kindly instead of with insults?

Being annoyed is not a good reason for him to talk to her in the manner that he is. It IS disrespectful. 

Things get more dramatic because he IS insulting her and its a big deal to her to not be treated or talked to in that manner. There is nothing wrong with her wanted to be talked to nicely, lovingly and kindly by her husband. If you poll women on this I bet most would agree that they like to be talked to kindly. Its all about how you say it. 

Astonishing, we treat strangers better than we do our own partners at times.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

toomuchtotell said:


> So oftentimes my H speaks to me or treats me in a manner i find disrepectful and/or immature.
> 
> First example... hubby has found a new hobby he enjoys - cycling. We both bought bikes and rode at the park over the weekend and had a great time. So on Tuesdsay, I get a text message from him while I'm at work asking if I wanted to bike in the park after work, it's a nice day out. I replied that I would like to but I have a 7pm appointment so will not be home in time. He does not reply. On my way home after the appointment, I decided I want to pick up dinner for both of us. I call the house phone and he doesn't answer. I know he's home and I think maybe he fell asleep. I call another 5 times and no answer. So I just pick him up what I think he'll like. I get home and he's sitting in the bedroom playing a game on the ipad. I told him I picked up dinner. He replied that he didn't want any. I then ask why didn't he answer the phone. He responded that yes, he heard it ringing about 5 times but knew it was me and didn't feel like getting up to go answer it. He said he knew it was me calling about something stupid like picking up dinner, so he didn't bother to answer it. I asked him again why he didn't pick up the phone...he knew it was me, and what if it was an emergency? He said if I was able to call then I wasn't dead so it's not worth getting up to answer the phone! He also said he was pissed that I "went ahead and made other plans" and therefore couldn't go bike riding. My appointment was made a week in advance. To me, this is very immature behavior.
> 
> ...


How would I have handled this?

Incident #1 - If he did not pick up the phone, I would have made an "executive decision". I would have decided, based on where I was, whether to pick him up something or not, what I wanted him to have or not, and more than likely not have bothered at all. I would have had my dinner at the restaurant, not let him know, and returned home with a full stomach. a smile, and no dinner for him. Had he question my behavior, I would have smiled and told him that he should have returned my call if he wanted dinner.

Incident #2 = Loser? Really? The poor baby has to change the locks? (Did you eventually find your keys or did the poor baby have to change the locks?) I think my eyes would have gotten large and my first response would have been "Excuse me?". Then I guess I would have probably tuned him out. The old "Whatever" 

Anyway, you do not deserve to be disrespected in your own home by your own spouse. He is supposed to be on your side, your champion, your friend, your first person in your support system. If he can't do even that, I would suggest that you move on to becoming more independent. Tune him out. Do what you need to do to gain your confidence back. You don't deserve to be disrespected by anyone, especially your spouse.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> That is good advice regarding finding common ground. I still didn't think I deserved the reactions I did in those two situations. When my husband does something i don't like, I don't fling insults at him, or completely disregard his existence. And I know you think I'm being overdramatic about being in a ditch, but there was a time where my husband was calling me incessantly and it's a good thing I picked up because he had sliced his hand open with a knife and needed me to get home asap to take him to the ER. Sh!t does happen.


You made a big deal out of nothing (dinner) ahe has told you he doesnt like it and you do it al the time so you get tuned out as the only way to get some peace and quiet. Your focus is on the one in a thousand drama so you can excuse being annoying. Fix it. You have tried to change him. Change yourself instead. Its about intelligently choosing what you have control over.



ginger-snap said:


> I don't care how annoying a spouse is or whatever, but this language is uncalled for and should never be used. *Ever.* He sounds like an immature brat, no matter what Mr. I Got This up above says. All spouses are annoying and have their quirks. It does not ever excuse calling your spouse a "loser" or "retarded."


I dont disagree but the OP could learn something about herself that is causing some of the disrespectful insults from her stubborn insistence on trivial matters and overdramatizing them to excuse her annoying behavior. 



EleGirl said:


> toomuchtotell,
> 
> In the future make only one call to your husband for something like picking up dinner. If he does not respond then don't get it for him. He can make his own meals.
> The things he said to you are very disrespectful. He’s abusive.


Exactly :iagree:



SouthernMiss said:


> Her post says NO such thing! You are personalizing this into your own situation.
> 
> And by the way, if you really don't want to be bothered by communication with your wife, you shouldn't have a wife. Marriage is largely a practice in communication. If talking to your wife IS so unbearable, then you're the problem.
> 
> Normal people TALK to their spouses.


No zhit. You are practicing all or nothing just like the other poster, which is a distortion of what I said. My post clearly states my wife and I agree to take some inane subjects off the table to get long better. 

You are advocating ending my marriage of which my wife and I are both happy because neither my wife nor I want to hear about every subject under the sun from each other?

Awesome advice he says sarcastically. You dont drive your spouse bat zhit crazy with completely unnecessary persistence to the point they cant even be civil to you when you cant get with the program and then take no responsibility for it. The little girl cries wolf. We learned that when we were seven. Get a grip.

Pulling ones head out of ones azz and working it out is the way to address the issue. Is called growth, flexibility, awareness and problem solving. 

Most of you want to advocate she change nothing and fix him. Thats epic stupidity, wont work and it ignores her participation in the problem.

If you want improvement, you start with yourself. It ends there BTW.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Please be advised that your description above fits the profile of and abusive man very well. 

If this is the case you are in a very serious and deep problem without simple clear cut solutions.

Please read the following material as it's a pivotal work on abuse and contains powerful information you need along with recommendations on how to proceed based on your specific circumstances and the style of abuse.

Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men.

Please come back with feedback once you have read and absorbed the material.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

My husband being annoyed by trivial conversation is not really the dynamic in our relationship. I really don't even talk that much...he probably is the one doing the talking about 75% of the time, with 99% of it being trivial. I agree that I shouldn't have called him 5 times. I was afraid of making the decision myself because I didn't want my decision to be criticized. 

Anyway, what he was primarily 'annoyed' with is the fact that I didn't go bike riding with him. He was being immature and spiteful as a result of his anger over the situation. That's how he deals with his anger...saying something negative diffuses his anger. It gives him his little 'high' so that he temporarily feels better about the situation.
He has always been like this. For years I just let his comments roll off my back because I know he'll never change so I just accept it. I also do sometimes blame myself. I know I shouldn't do this.

By the way, I did find my keys so he no longer needs to be bothered with changing the locks.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you know that this situation isn't about bike riding or dinner or keys, so it's not like you can think, "phew...thank goodness this one blew over." unfortunately, due to your own self-doubts of legitimacy, and not realizing that your husband is being abusive and not just disrespectful, I have a feeling that you're going to be taking a lot of abuse before you escape. But however long it takes to not take this anymore, DO NOT HAVE KIDS.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Well from a male perspective 2much, Id say the same as the others (except 1). He finds a new hobby which is nice it involves you. First time out its been a nice time so Yep I se anyone would want to have that "nice time" again. However, if the second time is not planned and youve already set something up and you cannot or would prefer to go to that, especially as it was pre-planned then you did the right thing. Its your choice on that one. Would your H have cancelled his bike ride to accompnay you on your appointment if you'd rang in the same time frame, I suspect not.

Not answering the phone because he knew it was an emergency (because it was you that was rining) is something a 11 year old pubenent would do if they cannot get their own way. Whats to say it was a police officer using your phone to contact him because something had happened to you, unless of course your H has psychic abilities and therefore should have known you'd an appointment prebooked so that point doesnt matter anyway. 
Then to sulk and play on his game - Had a 10 year old daughter that would do that so Id ground her......

Nope, it IS disrespectful and very immature. He could still go for his ride on his bile, after all its HIS hobby. then when he came back he could have said ok lets plan another late afternoon and go. Could have been nice to take a small picnic as well if the weathers right and have a relaxing time. 

Yes there needs to be middle ground and there needs to be at the very least comprimise when we have to share certain things i.e. one week we bike ride next week we do a "my thing" togther.

House keys - And he has NEVER mislaid his car keeys or house keys EVER. Wow what guy!. I make mislaying my keys an olympic sport these days and in certain car parks Ive go the keys and mislaid the damned car. I assure you Id rather replace a house of locks that have to replace the car anyday. 
To save that one happeneig again make sure you carry only the access door key. That way all other keys are in a key box in the house - You dont need to be the tower of london officer of the keys and take everything with you - and nor does he.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> I dont disagree but the OP could learn something about herself that is causing some of the disrespectful insults from her stubborn insistence on trivial matters and overdramatizing them to excuse her annoying behavior.


Again. I don't care how annoying your spouse is, it's no excuse for what he said. I also think you're misreading the situation. Had the story ended at "he didn't answer my calls and was grumpy, then perhaps you might have a point, but he resorts to belittling insults. Not picking up calls because you're annoyed is childish. His behavior - all because she wouldn't go for a bike ride with him - is childish. If anything, it sounds like he's the annoying one. 

OP, I hope you can gain strength from the way you stood up for yourself in this thread, and turn that strength on your spouse the next time he treats you with such disrespect. If my husband ever called me a loser like that, everything would stop, I'd look him in the eye, and tell him he'd better choose his next words very carefully because a line has been crossed. Say it again, and our marriage would be under evaluation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

Don't call him anymore - for any reason. Just go about your business and do what you need to do and forget about him. Let him find his own dinner. If he changes the locks, go stay at the Ritz-Carlton and put it on a credit card and let him worry about how he's going to pay for it.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

I decided to revisit this thread because I didn't realize how much rug sweeping and self doubting I have been doing throughout my marriage. A few days ago, I dropped a glass bottle of makeup off my bathroom counter and my husband called me an idiot for doing so. I didn't even realize what he said until about a minute had passed, since I've been ignoring those comments for years. When I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that, he refused to engage in conversation about it and didn't apologize. I started seeing an IC who said I am putting up with emotional abuse (yes I know it should have been obvious but I always thought of abuse as living in constant fear and not something that happens intermittently). I am seriously thinking of divorce since we do not have kids. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell someone I'm married to to not call me cruel names and insults.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

toomuchtotell said:


> So oftentimes my H speaks to me or treats me in a manner i find disrepectful and/or immature.
> 
> First example... hubby has found a new hobby he enjoys - cycling. We both bought bikes and rode at the park over the weekend and had a great time. So on Tuesdsay, I get a text message from him while I'm at work asking if I wanted to bike in the park after work, it's a nice day out. I replied that I would like to but I have a 7pm appointment so will not be home in time. He does not reply. On my way home after the appointment, I decided I want to pick up dinner for both of us. I call the house phone and he doesn't answer. I know he's home and I think maybe he fell asleep. I call another 5 times and no answer. So I just pick him up what I think he'll like. I get home and he's sitting in the bedroom playing a game on the ipad. I told him I picked up dinner. He replied that he didn't want any. I then ask why didn't he answer the phone. He responded that yes, he heard it ringing about 5 times but knew it was me and didn't feel like getting up to go answer it. He said he knew it was me calling about something stupid like picking up dinner, so he didn't bother to answer it. I asked him again why he didn't pick up the phone...he knew it was me, and what if it was an emergency? He said if I was able to call then I wasn't dead so it's not worth getting up to answer the phone! He also said he was pissed that I "went ahead and made other plans" and therefore couldn't go bike riding. My appointment was made a week in advance. To me, this is very immature behavior.
> 
> ...


Real men don't call their wives, the women they love "losers and retards" even if they did something completely retarded. Discuss this with him in a day or two and tell him thats the last time those words will be directed at you. Tell him next time he does this he eats alone and if he doesn't apologize shortly you will divorce his ass. Don't put up with verbal abuse. Once you go down the "dark side" of fighting, it gets easier and easier to say F you instead of I love you. Good luck.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

toomuchtotell said:


> I decided to revisit this thread because I didn't realize how much rug sweeping and self doubting I have been doing throughout my marriage. A few days ago, I dropped a glass bottle of makeup off my bathroom counter and my husband called me an idiot for doing so. I didn't even realize what he said until about a minute had passed, since I've been ignoring those comments for years. When I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that, he refused to engage in conversation about it and didn't apologize. I started seeing an IC who said I am putting up with emotional abuse (yes I know it should have been obvious but I always thought of abuse as living in constant fear and not something that happens intermittently). I am seriously thinking of divorce since we do not have kids. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell someone I'm married to to not call me cruel names and insults.


A real man would have simply asked you if you needed help and if you were ok and not cut yourself. The dam bottle is not worth more than you. You matter, not the bottle. 

I lived with this for many years. Perfection was expected of me. If I dropped a glass on the floor my ex would yell on top of lungs "GD" you idiot yet when she made a mess I would help her clean it up. This is a classic narsassist. They are not worth it. 

Divorce him and find a man that won't treat you this way. No kids? Even easier.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> I decided to revisit this thread because I didn't realize how much rug sweeping and self doubting I have been doing throughout my marriage. A few days ago, I dropped a glass bottle of make up off my bathroom counter and my husband called me an idiot for doing so. I didn't even realize what he said until about a minute had passed, since I've been ignoring those comments for years. When I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that, he refused to engage in conversation about it and didn't apologize. I started seeing an IC who said I am putting up with emotional abuse (yes I know it should have been obvious but I always thought of abuse as living in constant fear and not something that happens intermittently). I am seriously thinking of divorce since we do not have kids. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell someone I'm married to to not call me cruel names and insults.


Your husband doesn't see YOU, or as his WIFE but someone that’s just there, JUST THERE too much! Living with him in the same house sharing the financial burden of the house and that’s it. You've become flatmates and nothing more, he disrespects and you take it because you've never taken time to set boundaries with him of what you feel is inappropriate. When he hears your voice, he actually hears your inner voice, which is nothing, and then proceeds to belittle you with verbal abuse and you take it.

Too much can you answer these for me please?

*Q.* Where are you happiest in the home or at work?

*Q.* When was the last time you stood up to him and he actually listened to you? (Think about this really).

*Q.* Does he treat you like this in front of family and friends?

*Q.* Do want to continue being his verbal punching bag for the next 10/20/30 years?

Your husband has it *ALL *and at the same time he doesn't deserve you at *ALL *– Get it????? 

*When are you going to WOMAN-UP? Or am I asking Too Much of YOU?*


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

From what you said, it doesn't seem like he values you or the relationship. I wonder if he resents you for some reason.

ETA: Forgot to address your question. I don't believe that anyone should tolerate disrespectful behavior. My way of handling it is quite direct. I tell the person to stop doing whatever it is I find disrespectful, and if they don't, I freeze them out. Life is too short to willingly endure abuse.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

He called you AN IDIOT and you're still married to him!!?!!?? HOW DARE HE? OMG! That is HORRIBLE. I don't know about you, but for me this is the LAST STRAW. There is no way that you want your kids-to-be to hear your husband call you an idiot. Giving him an ultimatum like "if you call me names one more time..." will fall on deaf ears given how disgusting he is. There is nothing in this for you. GET THE HELL OUT and stay in your IC to figure out why you stayed in this for way too long. Get out and don't look back. Free yourself from this abuse ASAP.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

what about disrespectful behaviour towards another? My bil is very disrespectful towards my sister, and i was talking with my other sister about where to draw the line. Like, should we do him favours if he is treating our sister like this? 

would you stand up for someone you love being disrespected?


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> *Your husband doesn't see YOU, or as his WIFE but someone that’s just there*, JUST THERE too much! Living with him in the same house sharing the financial burden of the house and that’s it. You've become flatmates and nothing more, he disrespects and you take it because you've never taken time to set boundaries with him of what you feel is inappropriate. When he hears your voice, he actually hears your inner voice, which is nothing, and then proceeds to belittle you with verbal abuse and you take it. Yes this rings very true for me.
> Too much can you answer these for me please?
> 
> *Q.* Where are you happiest in the home or at work?
> ...


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Sanity said:


> A real man would have simply asked you if you needed help and if you were ok and not cut yourself. The dam bottle is not worth more than you. You matter, not the bottle.


I can't even imagine him ever responding like that. In fact, the mere thought of a husband responding like that in such a situation is totally an alien concept to me.



> I lived with this for many years. Perfection was expected of me. If I dropped a glass on the floor my ex would yell on top of lungs "GD" you idiot yet when she made a mess I would help her clean it up. This is a classic narsassist. They are not worth it.


I'm glad you got out of that situation! It's crazy how they can insult you for making a mistake and when they make the same mistake it's not an issue. The same day I broke the bottle in the bathroom, he was in the kitchen and opened up our liquor cabinet, and a shot glass fell out, landed on a glass candle holder and broke the candle holder. He of course blamed it on the fact that "somebody" put the shot glass on its side in the cabinet and that's why it fell out.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> I can't even imagine him ever responding like that. In fact, the mere thought of a husband responding like that in such a situation is totally an alien concept to me.


An Alien concept! WOW! I was not expecting that answer from you Too Much! To me Sanity's point is what I call a NORMAL response.



toomuchtotell said:


> The same day I broke the bottle in the bathroom, he was in the kitchen and opened up our liquor cabinet, and a shot glass fell out, landed on a glass candle holder and broke the candle holder. He of course blamed it on the fact that "somebody" put the shot glass on its side in the cabinet and that's why it fell out.


I think you misunderstood him, I think when he said "somebody", I think he meant your dog "Entropy" , otherwise he would have used your name and then verbal abused you again, like he normally does ! _(Just remember you told me I could inject a little humour into your posts to brighten you up, well there you go)._

Seriously though, if this is what your husband has been like the last 10 years, why put up with it any more? *File!*


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree that calling five times was probably very annoying to him adn I would have just selected his meal for him (like you finally did) or not get him anything - if he's hungry he knows where the food is stored.

But name-calling is mean, rude and childish. My ex did it all the time and it wasn't until it got ugly and awkward around others that I became ashamed of allowing him to continue to talk down to me.

Adults should be able to cope with frustration and know the language well enough to express themselves without name-calling. I won't tolerate that any more. You shouldn't either.


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## aesky (Jun 20, 2013)

Holy cow. My wife said I insulted her in public but I never would have called her an idiot or anything of the sort, and frankly, never had any clue that what I was doing was in the least insulting. 

And if she called me five times, which she did, I still picked up the phone because, well first of all, she was my wife. But what if something had happened to her? 

Although sometimes she'd just leave a quick message on the voice mail that she was on the way home or something, in which case I wouldn't really have to answer because I'd see her soon enough. Now I regret not picking up those calls too, just to have had that much more contact with the woman I loved.

Sitting there and saying he knew it was his wife so he didn't bother, that I don't understand. It's what happens to me now and it hurts. For no reason.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

So last night I had a brief talk with my husband. He had just finished yelling at our dog and calling him an idiot for invading his personal space while was playing a video game. I told him that he needs to remove such words from his vocabulary, and brought up the fact that he used it against me the other day. He said, "well, I don't remember what you did, but I'm sure it was something that deserved me calling you that". We discussed what transpired, and he said he saw nothing wrong with what he said, and that had he been the one to break the bottle on the floor, he would have called himself an idiot. He was perplexed that anyone would find something wrong with it. Anyway, I laid it out that it is unacceptable language and from now on, there will be no more name calling in the house. I didn't get the apology I asked for, but he agreed to put a stop it. This conversation really brought to light how I never properly set boundaries for his childish behavior. His father set a bad example by mistreating his mother for years and years (and it continues because SHE never set boundaries) which is why he sees nothing wrong with it.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Does he call other people idiots? His boss? Coworkers? Sister in law? 

Because if there's nothing wrong with it he should have no issue calling his boss stupid when he or she drops something, should he?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

When you have children, he will be calling them names too.

NOW is the time for a radical change. Don't subject children to this!

Here's some books that were helpful for me- the links go to generously sized free previews at googlebooks:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond - Patricia Evans - Google Books

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft - Google Books


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Lyris said:


> Does he call other people idiots? His boss? Coworkers? Sister in law?
> 
> Because if there's nothing wrong with it he should have no issue calling his boss stupid when he or she drops something, should he?


I asked him this last night. We had gone to see a movie (a movie he selected that I didn't want to see, but agreed to see it for him) and had a nice time. We were in the car pulling out of the parking lot and discussing the movie, laughing and joking around. I had my hand up by my head because I was fixing my hair or something, and I guess it was blocking his view out the passenger window, and he suddently yells "Move your f*cking arm, I can't see out the window!" It's like his brain is suddently hijacked by some monster in the moment. That is when I asked him if he spoke to people at work like this,and he said no he did not. I believe he feels that it is perfectly justified to talk to a spouse this way, probably because that's how his father treats his mother. He knows now I will not tolerate it any longer. It might take a few more incidences before he understands for good after many years of my inaction. I don't know if I can divorce him just yet, although my IC disagrees, saying there is nothing in the relationship for me, so why stay. I don't know, I guess I feel like I've been giving him the message that kind of behavior is ok for so many years, so for me to just suddenly walk out without trying seems wrong. I know he would be completely devastated if I left him.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

toomuchtotell said:


> It might take a few more incidences before he understands for good after many years of my inaction. I don't know if I can divorce him just yet, although my IC disagrees, saying there is nothing in the relationship for me, so why stay. I don't know, I guess I feel like I've been giving him the message that kind of behavior is ok for so many years, so for me to just suddenly walk out without trying seems wrong. I know he would be completely devastated if I left him.


Just how long are you willing to teach him a lesson on being respectful to you? You've already endured ten years of his verbal abuse and now you want to give him even more or your life and time? If you love him enough to want to stay, then get him to agree to marriage counseling or at the very least IC. If he isn't willing to work on the relationship, communication, and anger/abuse issues WITH you, then it's definitely time to go. Sure he'll be upset, but you owe it to yourself to have a partner that's not going to use you as a punching bag. 

What's keeping you with him? Do you truly love him? What are his good points/qualities? 

Emotional abuse of the sort that your husband learned and now extends to you is inexcusable, end of story. You don't owe him a lesson other than leaving, getting your own life together and letting him figure out how to be a better person on his own.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

But how are you not going to tolerate it? What are you going to do the next time he swears at you or calls you an idiot?


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> I asked him this last night. We had gone to see a movie (a movie he selected that I didn't want to see, but agreed to see it for him) and had a nice time. We were in the car pulling out of the parking lot and discussing the movie, laughing and joking around. I had my hand up by my head because I was fixing my hair or something, and I guess it was blocking his view out the passenger window, and he suddently yells "Move your f*cking arm, I can't see out the window!" It's like his brain is suddently hijacked by some monster in the moment. *(1) That is when I asked him if he spoke to people at work like this,and he said no he did not. I believe he feels that it is perfectly justified to talk to a spouse this way, probably because that's how his father treats his mother. (2) He knows now I will not tolerate it any longer. * It might take a few more incidences before he understands for good after many years of my inaction. *(3) I don't know if I can divorce him just yet, although my IC disagrees, saying there is nothing in the relationship for me, so why stay.* *(4) I don't know, I guess I feel like I've been giving him the message that kind of behavior is ok for so many years, so for me to just suddenly walk out without trying seems wrong.* *(5) I know he would be completely devastated if I left him.*


Hi Too much,

*(1)* You need employ the same type of standards of respect he shows his fellow office workers in your home, and I don't mean have a verbal conversation where he agrees with you one day and then ignores what he agreed the previous day. I mean written rules of conduct towards each other (including Entropy) in the house. For you it should be relatively easy, but he's the weakest link here so those written rules are really for him.

*(2)* Over 10 years of this, I bloody I hope so! _ Too much....._

*(3)* Is that heart talking or your head?

*(4)* What do you mean by _"I guess I feel...."_. YOU have been accepting his verbal abuse for over 10 years and if you think he's going to change overnight or with a few more incidences where you remind him of his abuse, then what. Back to square one. I can see this turning into a continuous loop of your own making.

- *(a) *He verbal abuses you.
- *(b)* You remind him of his bad behaviour and agrees with you not to do it again.
- *(c)* The next time he verbal abuses you. Back to *(a)*, a continuous loop begins, which BTW is where you are now.

Try this Analogy: 
Your husband works in the games industry so the above is an example of an algorithm with no exit to the game. If this was one of his games, then the above algorithm would have option *(d)* to exit the game. 

Your marriage is the game of verbal abuse with no exit option. 

*(5) *Then YOU need to set some ground rules for him (both of you) to follow in the house, a no swearing contract to be signed by the both of you (minus Entropy, of course ). But I think you’re fooling yourself into more hurt. Just remember you phoned home 5 times and he just sat there doing what, playing with his bloody iPad. I would have picked up the phone, why, because it’s ringing, pretty simple huh. But for him, he knows it’s only, JUST YOU! so he didn't bother, WOW does that sound like he's missing YOU . He plays his games into the early hours, when he should be in bed with you. He doesn't want to pick up or clean up his stuff, leaving you in a mess as to where do you begin.

*Q. Did you get around to throwing your stuff out this weekend? * 
Like last weekend and the weekend before that and so on. Again another continuous loop!

Remember:
*Problem + fix* = A continues loop with no exit. No fix! no knowledge, next problem + 1, and so on.
*Problem + solution* = As above but with an exit option. Problem completed, knowledge gained, next problem - 1, and so on.

I’ll say it again shall I: 

*When are you going to WOMAN-UP? Or am I asking Too Much of YOU?* _Cruel to kind - sorry....._


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

tm84 said:


> What's keeping you with him? Do you truly love him? What are his good points/qualities?


There are a number of things keeping me with him. I do love him, although I realized I am not IN love with him. I don't think I ever have been and I think it's because of how he treats me. I also tend to focus more on the moments when he isn't being abusive. It's like he has a dual personality and I love the non-abusive personality. But even when he's good, it's not really that good. He is not expressing love and affection, or offering to help me or do anything for me without me begging or offering something in it for him. My standards have gotten so low that I actually view the moments where he is being civil to me, and having a conversation with me, as him treating me well. I recognize that I am not perfect either (ADHD) and thefore not the easiest to live with. He often blames his abusive behavior on that.

I also put a lot of value onto his good traits - he is very honest, loyal and faithful. He would never cheat on me. His friends all cheat on their SO's yet that is a moral line he would never cross. I have full access to his phone, email, facebook etc... He has been there for me when I had 2 surgeries and went through family difficulties. He makes a good living as do I, we both live comfortably financially. His family is very good to me. I don't have much of a family of my own and they have taken me in as daughter and sister, not as an in-law. Now that I am reading what I just wrote, I am realizing that I am staying because I feel like I am dependent on him.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hi Too much,
> 
> *(1)* You need employ the same type of standards of respect he shows his fellow office workers in your home, and I don't mean have a verbal conversation where he agrees with you one day and then ignores what he agreed the previous day. I mean written rules of conduct towards each other (including Entropy) in the house. For you it should be relatively easy, but he's the weakest link here so those written rules are really for him.
> 
> ...


I actually did get around to throwing out some stuff this weekend. 6 big bags full  I asked H for his help but he didn't do anything, instead denied that any of the mess is his (which is crazy), and then said it's my fault he leaves his mess around, that I turned him into a messy person because that's how I am. Well now I'm cleaning and he refuses and just plays video games from 10am until 11pm, only taking breaks to eat (food which I buy for us and he still manages to complain there's no food, or there is no food of the specific type he wants at that very moment. This is why I called him 5 times that other day because if I make the wrong decision I have to hear him complain about it. I haven't bothered worrying about it since then, I just let him complain.). 

And I do get that what you're trying to tell me above is that there is only so much I would be able to change about all this and I think you are right about that.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

No matter what, you can't do anything right. If you buy food and he doesn't like it, you get criticized. If you don't buy food, you'll be criticized. If you call to see what he wants, he won't answer and you're a "loser" for calling so much. 

You love him for being faithful and loyal. Um, and what else? There are lots of faithful, loyal people who don't insult their LOVED ones. 

You're dependent on him but you make good money too?? 

Listen - I understand because I've lived with nothing but abusive men (father, step father, ex husband) and it's so hard to get away from when you yourself doubt that you deserve anything better. You do. Get help for yourself, call up good girlfriends/family and get the support you need to get away. This will not end. He won't apologize and he won't change (unless HE decides to do it himself). 

You said that he will be devastated if you leave. I know - then he'll have no one to do his bidding that he can still insult while they do it. He doesn't know how to love. Until he decides to break this chain of abuse that he learned, he will continue to abuse. You cannot change him. Get out


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

in my tree said:


> No matter what, you can't do anything right. If you buy food and he doesn't like it, you get criticized. If you don't buy food, you'll be criticized. If you call to see what he wants, he won't answer and you're a "loser" for calling so much.
> 
> You love him for being faithful and loyal. Um, and what else? There are lots of faithful, loyal people who don't insult their LOVED ones.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. You are spelling out the reality of the situation, and I need that apparently


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