# New Here: Should I Get Separated/Divorced?



## Marzipan (Dec 13, 2012)

Hi all, I hope someone can help me see things from another perspective - I feel emotionally drained and don't know what to do next. Here's my story.

I got matched with my husband on eHarmony, and it was fireworks when we first met. He was extremely attentive and dedicated to our relationship, which I took as a sign of his devotion and constancy. He got laid off right before we met, but he told me that it had happened about a week after we started talking, because he was afraid I would instantly write him off if I knew he was unemployed. This was the first deception, but I didn't know it was a lie until about a month ago (We have now been married for two years). I fell deeply in love with this man at about 3 months in, and was thinking that we should get married, although I didn't say it out loud. This was despite the red flags, like the fact that he had been engaged previously and didn't tell me about it until I saw an old picture on his facebook... Just typing this makes me feel stupid... I didn't really trust him from the start... He kept every personal memento he had from their time together, which totaled about 7 years. Some of which were pretty explicit in nature. Another thing to note is that my husband refuses to tell anyone how we really met (online) so he made up a script for us about how we met by chance at a concert. 

But anyway, whenever something weird popped up, we would discuss it and I usually felt okay afterwards. I assumed this was healthy and normal and that we were talking things out like a good couple should. I continued seeing him and the good times continued to outweigh the bad, and one day he told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was thrilled because in the short time we had been together, he (I thought) had shown me that he was a stand up guy, yadda, yadda, yadda... We then started talking a lot, and I mean a lot, about getting married. We joked about it and created guest lists, all as a big secret, and then he took me ring shopping and I showed him what I liked... I wanted an emerald since it's my birthday and he bought one, showed it to me, and sent it off to be set in a ring. I was thrilled and excited, and then suddenly, his job moved him to NYC and he totally changed. He became 100% immersed in his job to the point that he wouldn't call or text... We tried to spend weekends together but I just got the feeling that he wanted to be single there. I even asked him and he said no way, that he was just getting his sea legs at work. I continued to talk about the proposal that was apparently never going to happen and I started to get jealous of his career. Of course, that caused him to pull away a bit, but he did end up proposing on Easter weekend of 2010... only about 8 months after meeting me in July of 2009. 

We got married in August of 2010. It was kind of rush because I wanted to get out of my parent's house since I was living AND working full time with them. I had discussed getting my own place in my parent's town for the time being, in order to relieve some of my stress, but my then fiance kept telling me that he would propose soon and that getting my own place would be a waste of money. So I listened and obediently waited, and as soon as I had the ring, I started planning my move to NYC. This was no easy task. I built my entire life in my old hometown, so I had to plan the wedding, apply for and interview for jobs, hire my replacement, coordinate my move to NYC and I obtained a designation in my field to be more employable in the NYC job market. I got a job on Wall Street and successfully hired my replacement, planned everything and got up here by leveraging every contact I could and basically just by grinding my fingers to the bone every single day. My then fiance did so little to help with the wedding that I had to threaten to leave him in order to get the addresses for his part of the wedding invites. I was so upset at his change in behavior, but I couldn't focus on it because of all the other things I had on my plate. 

Well, when I got here, reality hit. I was miserable. I hated NYC, had no friends here, and my husband was going out every night with co workers, ignoring me during the evenings and generally giving me a hard time about the transition I was going through. In all my planning, I never considered whether or not I'd actually like NYC. I became depressed and really started to hate my super-demanding job. I cried myself to sleep most nights and basically lived in my PJs. I gained 15 pounds, which is bad because I'm very short, and I could tell that was effecting the way my husband was viewing me. (Please note that he actually gained about 25lbs after the wedding, but I have remained supportive and have tried to be loving instead of judging him for his miserable eating habits.) Anyway, things really deteriorated. We were living in a 289 sq ft apartment with our two cats, and something had to give. We moved to Brooklyn for more space and really liked our new place. We promised to try for a fresh start, but it was just more of the same. My husband isn't a monster, but he is 100% dedicated to his job. Even just last night he took a call from a trader in Hong Kong at 12:30 in the morning. 

This is where things get really bad. About two months ago, we were arguing, per the usual, and I just asked him if he was happy. He said no, and we sat down in our living room, and he told me, without any emotion that he wasn't sure if he ever really loved me, that he felt pressured into proposing marriage, and that he feels held back by me. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said he didn't know. This was earth shattering for me, and I was sitting there staring at my shoes and crying the whole time, trying to regain composure in the face of his emotionless glare... but he never said he was sorry for being hurtful or took it back... he just said I took it too sensitively.

So this leads me to our current situation. We have just moved to a different apartment that is much larger, and although I'm very happy in this space, nothing has changed between my husband and I. We started therapy but I don't see him working to implement the recommended changes coming from the therapist. He continues to work extremely long hours and refuses to acknowledge my feelings, and told me yesterday that he now has a job offer from his company, offering to move him to Hong Kong. I told him I would not uproot my existence again for someone who can't be troubled to say a kind word to me or kiss me hello. He said he felt held back by me because he would go without question if he weren't married to me. I told him to just go then, to just go on without me and that we should divorce. He acted really weird and nice after this conversation and we seemed to be getting along better, but it was like we were roommates or something just laughing along with the same TV program. Then he tells me that actually he just doesn't know if he loves me anymore but he doesn't know if he wants to rush into a divorce. This up and down has happened over and over again where he loves me one day and then he doesn't the next day. My aunt, who is a psych professor, tells me that this is abusive, and it certainly feels like it, but I can't admit it to myself. I feel like maybe if I was better at something, he could love me again. My aunt thinks I didn't know him when I married him and that now we are all seeing him for what he really is. 

I'm just at my wits end. I can leave tonight with my cat and go stay at a friend's house, but I feel like I have to talk to my husband first. I feel scattered and I don't know what to take with me. I'm afraid he'll drain the bank account or something. I'm just lost and confused. I feel awful and I can't eat and I'm worried about my cat and I'm worried about what my husband is going to think. Does anyone have some assistance, ideas, or just anything to help ease the pain?


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## kellskies00 (Dec 13, 2012)

I'm no expert and I have many problems myself so all I can do is give you my honest opinion. If he has told you he is unhappy and doesn't even know if he loves you that is enough to leave him. Don't let the fear of a messy divorce hold you back from being happy. I agree with your aunt, it sounds like emotional abuse to me. You don't deserve this, I can imagine how much it hurts to even hear him say he doesn't know if he even loves you. He married you, he should know if he loves you or not. That is ridiculous. I think you need to at least clear your head...stay with your friend for a while give your husband some space and time to think.....if after that he still thinks the same than obviously he doesn't love you enough to make it work. I really do hope your marriage works out or things work out for the best for you if not. Good Luck with everything!!!


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

I don't think talking to him is going to help; he's probably very aware of how you are feeling. The question is really whether you think in your heart that you can ever be happy with this man. A failed relationship is never a "mistake", it's simply a learning experience that helps you grow. Don't be afraid of ending things if you think that is really the best thing to do.
If you decide to separate, start making some plans. Try to be positive and look forward to a great future.


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