# Men have feelings, too...



## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

Ok, so maybe I'm not in the best shape I have ever been in. Maybe I'm not father of the year. Maybe I am not the best with money. But when I am being playful and she is responding, and I suggest that I would appreciate a hand-job, telling me it takes too long is a sucker punch to the ego.

I have been wearing a wrist brace on my right hand this week to help with some Carpel Tunnel issues.  She is on her period but seems to be more open to playing along with sexual innuendo. She commented to me the other night that if I didn't have so much "happy time" my wrist might not be hurt. You know, the standard joke when a guy has a hurt wrist. It's not the first time I've heard it this week. I told her that's not the hand I use, and that I would prefer "This" hand, as I held up her right hand. Her reply was that it takes too long, and then she continued reading on her e-reader.

This was a perfect time to say or do simething, like practice makes perfect, but I just froze. I was surprised at first but it quickly turned to anger. I decided to say nothing rather than get into another argument about sex. It just isn't important to her most of the time.

Actually that reminds me of another thing that happened a few weeks ago. She was on her period again, and basically told me one day she was dying for "it" and was going crazy. I dutifully obliged and she was well taken care of that evening. The problem is that when she needs sex it takes priority and she would be royally pissed if I didn't give it to her. When I need sex it is at best an annoyance and doesn't matter. I'd love to be taken care of for a change.

So...this was a bit more "ranty" than I intended, but it has been on my mind lately and I don't know how to process it.

Io guess after reading the thread here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-now-how-i-get-my-husband-trust-me-again.html, I am hoping my wife will have a similar "ah ha" moment.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Wayne,
Sorry to hear things are still not going well. I did read your other posts a few months ago, MMSL didn't help much?

As a woman, I'll be honest, with the intent of being helpful, not mean.
Your first few sentences in this post relate to how you see yourself.
It's not very positive.

yes, being rejected over and over can kill your confidence. yes, MMSL can seem uncomfortable at first. Fake it until you make it.

A confident man behaves as described in MMSL, and that is a level of attraction that is NOT related to how much money you make, or mistakes you made in the past. It's not material. It's inner confidence.

I don't know the answer to how you take steps to turn your yourself around and start to regain your confidence, but that's usually the first step towards attraction. 

- Make a plan for your life. Not based on your wife's opinion of you... but who you ARE, as a person. Invest your time in that. Your life is your most valueable possession, isn't it? 

- Read, read, read. 
-Get into hobbies
-Make sure you have time every week just for yourself. The gym, friends, a class.

Bottom line, waiting for someone to change blinds you from the truth. You need to change... in the sense that you need to get back to the REAL man inside. Then life will fall into place. With or without her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I also think the phrase, "I would like a hand job about now" or however you said it, is not sexy at all. Does she ever feel like you just want her? ravage her? I dunno. I would be turned off if a man said that, especially if that is how most of the sexy time went.

I love sex. I love pleasing my mate. I don't, however, like to be used as a masturbatory tool. Maybe I'm projecting (probably am) but that's just how i see it.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

Thanks, deejov, for your thoughts. I guess the whole ongoing ordeal has left me drained. Self confidence has NEVER been one of my strong suits. I basically am trying to reprogram my entire life. It just has the impression of being that much more daunting when you are down.

I was a little surprised you had read some of my former posts, and I appreciate you taking those into consideration when crafting your response, I find that I am in total agreement with your plan. 

I have had a run of some confidence-crushing tests lately (non-relationship) and I think that has much to do with my current mood. 

Hopefully I will sort it out and get back on track. If anyone wants to slap me back into reality it would likely do me some good!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I also think the phrase, "I would like a hand job about now" or however you said it, is not sexy at all. Does she ever feel like you just want her? ravage her? I dunno. I would be turned off if a man said that, especially if that is how most of the sexy time went.
> 
> I love sex. I love pleasing my mate. I don't, however, like to be used as a masturbatory tool. Maybe I'm projecting (probably am) but that's just how i see it.


I agree. If a man told me that he could use a hand job it would turn me off.

I am HD and don't turn down sex/intimacy with someone I love. But being asked for a hand job is not intimacy.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Okay, well I avoided the 2x4's as you are obviously feeling down.

So.. pick yourself up and brush off her opinions. She's free to think whatever she thinks. If it's the truth, get yerself to the gym and own up to it. If she's being mean... it's your fault for taking it on personally, and choosing to not even say anything.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

You're allowed to have feelings? Didn't you get the memo? 



wayne81 said:


> Actually that reminds me of another thing that happened a few weeks ago. She was on her period again, and basically told me one day she was dying for "it" and was going crazy. I dutifully obliged and she was well taken care of that evening.
> The problem is that when she needs sex it takes priority and she would be royally pissed if I didn't give it to her.


Frankly, who gives a crap if she gets pissed? You are no more a masturbatory tool than she is and if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it. And why should feel it, if she is rejecting you out of hand (no pun intended).



wayne81 said:


> Io guess after reading the thread here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-now-how-i-get-my-husband-trust-me-again.html, I am hoping my wife will have a similar "ah ha" moment.


I would not hold my breath, since by my brief reading of this, she is the one with the sexual control here and appears to be in no hurry to let go.

Take back the control, wayne. Like the ladies said, concentrate on yourself. You don't need to be snarky or bitter about it - and avoid passive-aggressive moves like telling her the next time she's interested that it would "take too long." 

Find your confidence, however you need to do it. It will translate outside the bedroom to inside. Your wife will find it more attractive ... and if she doesn't, some other woman will.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

When you relayed what she said after you held her hand up, my first thought was, wow that is just rude.

My second thought right after was reading what happened, it is not actually clear that you are asking for a "hand" right at that time. It reads like you are saying you would like it, but not that you are saying you wanted it right then, just speaking generally that it is something you would like.

I can see that there were reasons you were asking for a HJ rather than sex, so I get that. I think it can be dressed up more sexily but I am not the best person to ask about that (my H currently has a preference for HJs over sex.) May be someone else can advise.

I can also agree with building your confidence. I myself have been doing this for a few months now and it is amazing the difference it makes. I am not totally where I want to be yet but it radiates in to different areas of my life. It feels good and I highly recommend it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I get a chuckle out of the women replying in this thread.

If you read the post, he didn't even actually ask for a handjob. She made a joke about him basically spanking the monkey to much, and he replied that it wasn't the hand he uses and replied with a joke (and possibly a suggestion as well) that he prefers her hand. All he did was float the idea out there.

So why is he being bashed for it? The guy wants a handjob and he floated the idea out there in arguably the least offensive way it can possibly be floated out there. Aren't we all telling each other on this board that if you want something, you should ask for it? He actually goes one step less than asking for it and he's told that it's a turn off.

What is he supposed to do?

Not to mention he's admitted to being there for her when she "needs it like crazy."

All she had to do was tell him not right now, or maybe some other time or whatever, but instead she told him it takes to long (and how long is a handjob? Maybe five minutes in most cases?) 

To the OP, you need to talk to her about this, but as far as you being upset, it's totally fine and normal.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Wayne...I guess I am going to be the outlier here. Your wife does't sound like she is the shy submissive type, am I right? If so you are going to have to "man up" to wrestle control back from her. I always get bashed by my lady counterparts but not all women are alike. Some of us are more dominant, HD and aggressive. When my big guy says he wants a bj I am on it, not going to offend me at all..I enjoy them as much if not mote than he does. There is nothing I enjoy more than pleasing him. I believe each person in a relationship has to set expectations, boundaries and consequences for not keeping up their end of the agreement. So that being said, what is going on in you relationship that would cause her not to desire to please you? What expectations and boundaries have you agreed too? Marriage really is like any other relationship it takes constant care...it doesn't just happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

wayne81 said:


> Her reply was that it takes too long....


And that's a problem? How many women would prefer the alternative? Seriously?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I also think the phrase, "I would like a hand job about now" or however you said it, is not sexy at all. Does she ever feel like you just want her? ravage her? I dunno. I would be turned off if a man said that, especially if that is how most of the sexy time went.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> If you read the post, he didn't even actually ask for a handjob. She made a joke about him basically spanking the monkey to much, and he replied that it wasn't the hand he uses and replied with a joke (and possibly a suggestion as well) that he prefers her hand. All he did was float the idea out there.


Is it possible then that she saw the whole exchange as a humourous exchange and not a serious request? Maybe if he'd just asked her outright she would have obliged.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: Re: Men have feelings, too...*



ocotillo said:


> And that's a problem? How many women would prefer the alternative? Seriously?


It's a problem when it's not what THEY want


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

wayne81 said:


> Ok, so maybe I'm not in the best shape I have ever been in. Maybe I'm not father of the year. Maybe I am not the best with money. But when I am being playful and she is responding, and I suggest that I would appreciate a hand-job, telling me it takes too long is a sucker punch to the ego.
> 
> I have been wearing a wrist brace on my right hand this week to help with some Carpel Tunnel issues. She is on her period but seems to be more open to playing along with sexual innuendo. She commented to me the other night that if I didn't have so much "happy time" my wrist might not be hurt. You know, the standard joke when a guy has a hurt wrist. It's not the first time I've heard it this week. I told her that's not the hand I use, and that I would prefer "This" hand, as I held up her right hand. Her reply was that it takes too long, and then she continued reading on her e-reader.
> 
> ...


sooo...if YOU "take too long", how long does it take her to orgasm? I'm betting it's longer than 5 minutes or possibly even longer than 10 mins.

What is "TOO LONG" when you're loving and connecting with your partner??

Perhaps if she got enthusiastic about it,body rubbing against yours while she's doing it,throw in some little moans and sighs,kisses along your body...MAYBE JUST MAYBE it wouldn't take "TOO LONG".


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Is it possible then that she saw the whole exchange as a humourous exchange and not a serious request? Maybe if he'd just asked her outright she would have obliged.


Very possible. More background information would be needed to clarrify that. OP, have you ever bluntly asked your wife for a handjob, or talked about recieving them?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

If a woman or man does ask for sexual things bluntly,what's wrong with that?

Directness is sexy if it's done at the right time and you have a marriage of mutual admiration and respect.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

Thanks to all for your thoughts, although I think a few may have not understood my post entirely. I was trying to be playful with my wife and suggest that I would prefer her touch, her involvement, rather than just my own. To be so coldly dismissed hurts.

I think she basically feels like penises are a big taboo. She only seems to be ok with mine during PIV, but anything else she appears totally uncomfortable with. Even with our two boys, when we first found out we were having a boy she literally freaked because she didn't know what to do with a boy, particularly surrounding the "boy parts". It is as if they are dirty to her.

There have been handjobs and blowjobs in the past, but very few and far between. I would estimate an average of one BJ per year for our ten years of marriage and maybe 1.5 - 2 HJs per year, although I don't remember the last handjob.

By the way, I completely understand that I am being a whiny little girl, at least in some part. I just don't have anyone else to talk to. I don't want to bias our friends or family against her, or myself. So thank you, faceless TAM friends, for your generous support.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

wayne81 said:


> Ok, so maybe I'm not in the best shape I have ever been in. Maybe I'm not father of the year. Maybe I am not the best with money. But when I am being playful and she is responding, and I suggest that I would appreciate a hand-job, telling me it takes too long is a sucker punch to the ego.
> 
> I have been wearing a wrist brace on my right hand this week to help with some Carpel Tunnel issues. She is on her period but seems to be more open to playing along with sexual innuendo. She commented to me the other night that if I didn't have so much "happy time" my wrist might not be hurt. You know, the standard joke when a guy has a hurt wrist. It's not the first time I've heard it this week. I told her that's not the hand I use, and that I would prefer "This" hand, as I held up her right hand. Her reply was that it takes too long, and then she continued reading on her e-reader.
> 
> ...


Wayne81, I'm the wife who got her HD back after 10 years in the thread you referenced. I've been thinking about what to say to you. I've gone and read your other posts and threads, and it sounds like your relationship with your wife has some similarities to my marriage, at least up until of late. I posted again on my thread tonight with some feedback from my husband. I don't know if it will shed any more light on how I reached my "a ha" moment. If I could send you a magic pill to fix things for you and your wife, I would. I used to settle into bed with my book every night after the kids were in bed, and my husband would sit downstairs and have a beer and watch TV alone. I'd be avoiding any situation that might give him the opportunity to bring up sex (jokingly or otherwise) and he'd be avoiding any situation that might tempt him to bring up sex (jokingly or otherwise) because he didn't want to risk the rejection. 

Your story really resonates with me, but I do feel that your marriage also has issues that are different that what caused sex to dry up in mine. All I can suggest is to continue to focus on yourself and in finding meaning and fulfillment (non sexual, I mean) where you can. Be healthy. And if you can find a way to knock out a source of stress, do it. My husband gave up a promising career in the hopes that it would reduce his stress and enable him to change his life and that of our family for the better, and to that I credit the salvation of our intimacy and the return of my HD. 

Good luck to you.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Hopefully, we all understood your first post quite clearly. You want more intimacy and a little more variety in that intimacy. And you feel stymied in trying to communicate that to your wife. 

If you want to see change, the problem is not with her. It's with you. It is your role to take leadership in the relationship, creating safe zone where she can embrace that intimacy because you are directing her there.

Good thing you have working for you is that she communicates her needs. She wanted sexy time a few weeks ago and you obliged. Hey, you are light years ahead of where most folks are starting from. This should be an easy fix.

Here's a suggestion. Once a day for the next two weeks, do something sexually playful outside the bedroom. One day, slap her butt and quietly whisper "nice ass." Next day, comment on how nice her t*ts look in that blouse. Next day, tell her you have a secret to tell her and then tell her she's sexy and nibble on her ear for a few seconds. Hopefully, you get the drill.

Don't overdo it. And don't tie any of this to expectations of sex. Just a little reminder every day that that you are her sexual partner and that you see her that way on a regular basis. 

This does two things. First, it re-establishes alpha tendencies on your part. This is attractive. Second, you develop positive re-inforcements that sexy talk get associated in her mind with compliments about her. That will open the door to more flirting of this type down the line. 

This will create a better atmosphere for you to communicate your wants and desires over the long haul. Every talk about sex is not talking about when she doesn't do. It focuses on getting her to think about you and sex talk in a positive way. 

Your mileage may vary, of course. But, my formerly reserved wife, now hunts for this little banter from me. Once in awhile, I forget to comment about a sexy top, and - after awhile - she'll say "Hey, did you notice my top today." In short, she's digging these little positive sex affirmations - even after 20+ years of marriage.

This has translated into her gradually becoming more adventurous in the bedroom, as well. Take a cue from corporate advertisers. They try to repeat a commercial message time and again to get their branding in your head. You have to find multiple ways to tell your wife that she is sexy at times when you are not necessarily looking for sex.

This little "hand job" discussion could have turned into a playful little exchange. Don't beat yourself up for not having the perfect response this time. Just work on getting positive dialogue more a part of your day-to-day relationship.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

wayne81 said:


> By the way, I completely understand that I am being a whiny little girl, at least in some part. I just don't have anyone else to talk to. I don't want to bias our friends or family against her, or myself. So thank you, faceless TAM friends, for your generous support.


This attitude needs to stop if you want positive results. Thinking of yourself as a 'whiny little girl' is the last thing from sexy, and if you think you are coming off to us like that, imagine how you are coming off to wife.

You have an issue in your marriage, you wanted to come here and vent about it and look for a solution, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Don't apologize, you are always welcomed here and will always be given good advice (even if it's advice you don't want to hear).

Buck up.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

wayne81 said:


> Thanks to all for your thoughts, although I think a few may have not understood my post entirely. I was trying to be playful with my wife and suggest that I would prefer her touch, her involvement, rather than just my own. To be so coldly dismissed hurts.
> 
> I think she basically feels like penises are a big taboo. She only seems to be ok with mine during PIV, but anything else she appears totally uncomfortable with. Even with our two boys, when we first found out we were having a boy she literally freaked because she didn't know what to do with a boy, particularly surrounding the "boy parts". It is as if they are dirty to her.
> 
> ...


She probably thinks it's weird that you remember than its one BJ and 1 to 2 HJ's per year. But I know what your talking about, how the hell wouldn't you know?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It sounds as though she might have a hang up with penises in general. I'm not really sure how you deal with that. 

Perhaps you can find a way for her to be more inquisitive. I have to admit female parts are a mystery to me but that's a big part of their charm. The only way I can find out is by exploring.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

I'm not sure if I should start a new thread or not so I will go ahead and post here and I can move it if needed.

UPDATE - I've received the cold shoulder for about a week now due to an argument. I made the mistake of crossing over into a separate subject during the conversation, and because I felt so strongly about the topic it landed us into a full blown argument. Basically I have been getting the silent treatment and I figured that I would give as good as I was getting. Of course that gets nowhere.

Today during several emails I told her in short that I'm tired of living like this and wanted to make some changes before something bad happened. It occurred to me that since we don't argue well, maybe having rules would be useful. I broached the subject with her after the kids were in bed and we had a mostly calm discussion. Here are the rules we mutually agreed to:
1 - Stay on topic
2 - Don't interrupt, listen instead of planning next response
3 - No yelling
4 - do not argue in front of the kids
5 - Finish what we start
6 - Abide by decision

#5 needs some polish but I brought it up because many times when the conversation is not going her way she will just abandon it and leave, resolving nothing.

This was a good hour-long session and she was pretty dismissive of the whole thing. By the end of it she seemed almost livid. She has since gone to the bedroom to read.

Two rules that I brought up that she would not agree to were:
1 - Keep it private (no discussing with friends of Facebook)
2 - No personal attacks (like name calling)

I ca tell you during a particularly rough patch a couple of years ago she was very active on FB about things and it really upset me. I guess, however, that I am more or less doing the same thing here, the only diffence being I'm not likely to run into any if you at Wal-Mart.

So, I guess it was a good first step that we could agree on some things, but her irate demeanor by the end of it has me alarmed.

I thanked her for helping me and told her I appreciated it. Also said I wanted to refine it tomorrow night and figure out what happens if/when one of us breaks a rule. I'd appreciate any suggestions,


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

How can't she agree to no name calling?

That's like rule #1 for me. I'm your spouse, I'm your significant other, I am not a ****sucking ******* ****brained son of a *****.

How does THAT sound like a healthy marriage to you?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

wayne81 said:


> Two rules that I brought up that she would not agree to were:
> 1 - Keep it private (no discussing with friends of Facebook)
> 2 - No personal attacks (like name calling)


I don't want to be insulting toward her but she sounds mentally immature.People don't understand that when they use friends and family to vent about their marriage and their troubles,it paints the spouse in the darkest of ways.People tend to thrive on drama anymore so chances are,they aren't offering helpful suggestions or trying to get her to see things fairly.They will likely help her harp on the negativity.That's why it's best to always speak of your partner in positive ways to people you know.The more positive you speak,the more positive you feel.

How tough is it to not call the person you married names? This isn't high school anymore and you aren't her pesky little brother.Namecalling has NO PLACE in a mature relationship.

I'd seriously question my choice to be with someone if they couldn't stop name calling.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Name calling is a must have for her? Fine. The very next time she does it, stop the conversation, get up and walk away from her. Do not re-engage her until she apologizes. Repeat every single time she does this. 

No place for name calling in a relationship. It shows a complete disrespect for the other person, and a lack of self respect if you accept it. 

The W and I have had a couple doozies over the years. Even split once. Not once did either of us call names or say intentionally hurtful things. It makes it much easier to stay on topic, as well as reconcile without hard feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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