# Did I Cross the Line?



## ActiveMom (Feb 17, 2015)

Let me thank you all in advance for your opinions... 

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have 3 children. Since the day we met, and every day since then he knows that I get along and socialize easier with men. We are also both VERY involved with a community organization that is predominantly men. For the most part, this has never been an issue between us.

That being said, 6 months ago at an event for this organization, I made some new acquaintances - some of which were already friends with my husband. In the coming months I have become friends with two of those people and their wives and families. A few days ago, one of them contacted me and invited me, my husband, and our children to try skiing with him and his family - he had already acquired the lift passes and learn to ski lessons and chose our family to invite. My husband was unable to go - but I called him and told him of the invitation and he instantly said he thought it was a great opportunity and encouraged me to accept.

The following day, the kids and I headed to the ski resort and spent the day with my friend and his kids. After the skiing was completed, we left the resort and headed back to his house (as his house was 20 minutes away and our house was 1.5 hours away) to dry off, warm up, and eat chili that had been cooking all day while we were at the resort. Some of the kids built a snow cave in their snow drifts, we ate, cleaned up, visited for an hour or so, then we left and headed home.

When we arrived home and my husband and I were talking about how the day went - we came to a point in which he asked where my friends wife was. I told him that they had recently become separated but I didn't know why and I didn't pry my friend for details - my friend will share them when he is ready. My husband became upset with me stating that I was wrong to go back to his house after the skiing and that he is not comfortable with him being separated. I knew that he had become separated a few weeks back but never thought anything of it... but my husband became even more upset that I knew he was separated and still went to his house.

My husband states that because I knew that he is now separated I should have went skiing but told the friend that I would not be stopping for the evening because of what his wife would think if she found out our families were together... or what anyone else would think.

I feel that this is not my place to make decisions for the friend nor offend him by not accepting his hospitality because he is now separated. I used the hypothetical situation on another couple we are friends with... saying that if one of our male friends had become separated and invited our family to go sailing - should I decline that as well? My husband stated that yes because they are separated I should not associate with them without my husband being present. I feel it is unfair to me, and my friends if I have to distance myself from them in the event that they become separated.

Did I cross the line? Should I have not gone to his house? Or is my husband over reacting? I now feel guilty for going there and enjoying the day. I want to respect my husbands feelings and opinions but I also want to be able to choose my friends. Please advise!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What do you think? Roles reversed?


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## ActiveMom (Feb 17, 2015)

marduk said:


> What do you think? Roles reversed?


As far as how I would feel if the roles were reversed... I would not have a problem with him and our 3 children going with a female friend and her children for a family oriented day... we do things like this from time to time with other families in any combination of adults.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yeah, if you're being completely truthful, you crossed the line.

And, if you're not being completely truthful (i.e. you have feelings for this man and are just acting like you think it is no big deal he was separated), you definitely crossed the line.

Your H has a right to be upset.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

ActiveMom said:


> My husband states that because I knew that he is now separated I should have went skiing but told the friend that I would not be stopping for the evening because of what his wife would think if she found out our families were together... or what anyone else would think.


Two parents of the opposite sex with kids in tow. I don't have kids, but I certainly don't see the harm. The issue is that you DH is more concerned with the perceptions of others as opposed your feelings or his own. Share your feelings on the matter and ask him to do the same. If you think trying to manage the perceptions of others is a waste of time & energy (I certainly do), then say so politely. Kindest Regards-


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Line = crossed.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

OP, spend a little time reading in CWI. Read some threads where the wife cheated on the husband. You might be surprised how many of those threads started like this.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Op doesn't really matter what others think your husband feels this was too much. Doesn't matter if you're married a year or 30 years situations come up and it's a learning experience. This was a learning experience about what his boundrys are. He feels you crossed the line, you didn't know, discussion had and all resolved. Doesn't mean that you have to agree with it...hell I don't think it's any big deal what you did but again I'm not your husband.

Give him a kiss on the cheek...apologize if you feel warranted and if not just say no problem it won't happen again and move forward.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I think it's odd that you knew this man was separated and that his wife wouldn't be there and when you asked your husband about going.....you left that out.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You made a mistake. Once someone separates, they are in hunt for new mate mode. Your husband sees this a threat. Now it is possible that you and this guy are really just buddies and will never have strong lustful thoughts, but your husband doesn't know the other guy that well.

The question is really what now? Will you continue to go on such dates?

How is your sex life?

After your husband's possessive attitude do you find him less attractive?


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Surely after 13 years of marriage you would have had a hunch that your husband would not be okay with this arrangement. Why didn't you mention the separation prior to going?


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> I think it's odd that you knew this man was separated and that his wife wouldn't be there and when you asked your husband about going.....you left that out.


Yeah exactly. Just a little detail she left out for her hubby.


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## ActiveMom (Feb 17, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> I think it's odd that you knew this man was separated and that his wife wouldn't be there and when you asked your husband about going.....you left that out.


Thank you for bringing this up because my husband and I actually discussed this very topic. I did not know that she would not be there. They regularly do things together as a family despite their separation. 

I did not intentionally leave this out of our conversation as you are so implying. I honestly did not think it was a required part of asking my husband what he thought of me and the kids going.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> You made a mistake. Once someone separates, they are in hunt for new mate mode. Your husband sees this a threat. Now it is possible that you and this guy are really just buddies and will never have strong lustful thoughts, but your husband doesn't know the other guy that well.
> 
> The question is really what now? Will you continue to go on such dates?
> 
> ...


This.

So, OP, let's have it. Are you going to continue dating this other man?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

ActiveMom said:


> Did I cross the line? Should I have not gone to his house? Or is my husband over reacting? I now feel guilty for going there and enjoying the day. I want to respect my husbands feelings and opinions but I also want to be able to choose my friends. Please advise!


Having friends of the opposite sex can be a threat to a marriage, even a good one. Situations like that dinner can start a bonding process that will escalate over time. Your husband is rightly comcerned about this and the intentions of your friend. When someone is separated or even having issues with there spouse it is natural for them to vent and discuss these things which may serve to bond the two of you further through the natural sympathy and support mechanisms. 

The way to protect your marriage is to have boundaries and transparency to reduce the likelihood of attachments forming. The issue is that you and your husband should agree to the boundaries and you apparently do not. Research emotional affairs (EA) and how they start and you will realize the significance of proper boundaries. There are several threads here about boundaries that you should read. 

Perhaps if you learn it now you can avoid what happened to me when through kid activities like you just described I developed feelings for one of my wife's friends. I was lucky I stopped it in time.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A man taking my wife someplace, and paying for it all? No, I don't think so. And then going back to his place after? Um, hell no.

Question: If it had been YOU who couldn't go, do you think this guy would have paid for your husband and kids to go without you?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think it was inappropriate. Like FitnessFan, I think it's odd that you kept the fact that the guy was separated from wife a secret. If I found out one of our couple friends were separating that would be big news and something I would not "forget" to tell my husband.

Aren't lift tickets dated? So he purchased ski lessons and lift tickets in advance before he asked anyone if they could go? So your husband's ticket was wasted? What a waste of money if no one could go.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Yep, classic line cross.
Left out important info and then play the what I didn't even think about it that way.

Then instead of being understanding about your husbands feeling about it try to prove your right by asking your friends and posting here.

Let me ask you a hypothetical question.. Would you beok if a newly divorced woman asked your husband over with the kids? And you didn't know she just got divorced. Until after the got home.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your husband just set his boundary. No dates with separated men without him. As a married woman of 13 years, you need to ask questions when you are invited to such excursions. Who is going? Who is going with whom? What are plans during the excursion and after? Who is paying for what?

Do not leave yourself open to strife in your marriage. It can make trouble for you in the future.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

It really doesn't matter what anybody thinks. It's what your husband thinks that matters. He obviously doesn't want his wife spending time with another man, so you should respect his boundary.


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## ActiveMom (Feb 17, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> You made a mistake. Once someone separates, they are in hunt for new mate mode. Your husband sees this a threat. Now it is possible that you and this guy are really just buddies and will never have strong lustful thoughts, but your husband doesn't know the other guy that well.
> 
> The question is really what now? Will you continue to go on such dates?
> 
> ...


What now? - Although I do not think that I should be restricted with my separated and divorced friends, I have apologized to my husband.

Dates? - This was not a date in the first place. In my post you will see that there was an invitation and ski pass for my husband as well. He was just not able to attend with us. 

Sex Life? - My husband and I have a good sex life.


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## ActiveMom (Feb 17, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> A man taking my wife someplace, and paying for it all? No, I don't think so. And then going back to his place after? Um, hell no.
> 
> Question: If it had been YOU who couldn't go, do you think this guy would have paid for your husband and kids to go without you?


Yes they were dated... He got them from his work as an employee incentive, (he did not pay for them) and my husband's ticket was not wasted, he gave it to a coworker.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What are your emotional feelings for this newly separated man?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ActiveMom said:


> As far as how I would feel if the roles were reversed... I would not have a problem with him and our 3 children going with a female friend and her children for a family oriented day... we do things like this from time to time with other families in any combination of adults.


Are you 100% positive?

If so, then it's time to talk boundaries with the husband.

However, fair warning. My wife was 100% positive she'd be OK with me doing what she was doing...

Until I actually did it, of course.

If that's the case, you need to think about things a bit more, and then have the same talk about boundaries.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

ActiveMom said:


> What now? - Although I do not think that I should be restricted with my separated and divorced friends, I have apologized to my husband.
> 
> Dates? - This was not a date in the first place. In my post you will see that there was an invitation and ski pass for my husband as well. He was just not able to attend with us.
> 
> Sex Life? - My husband and I have a good sex life.


You apologized but you had to come here to get validation that what you did was not wrong. Therefore you're not really sorry.

Your husband told you the line was crossed. His opinion is the only one that matters if you truly care about your marriage.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

To be more complete in my post...

It's very easy to be OK with our own behaviour, because we're the ones in control and with 100% knowledge of what actually happened. So it's quite easy to be comfortable.

Once the shoe is on the other foot, it's not so comfortable. Because we're now playing a different game, where the other person is the only one that has perfect knowledge.

And at the end of the day, you both need to be comfortable -- and have the same ground rules -- for each other.

Remember, you being OK with this behaviour means he now gets to go hang out at single women's homes without you. And recently divorce women...

Well, they can be quite aggressive. So if you trust him 100%, no issue, right?


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

Was your husband not able to go because of work?
If so, he was probably already harboring some frustration (either consciously or unconsciously) that everyone was out skiing and having a great time while he’s stuck at work. Then add the whole having diner at the resort afterwards, with a recently separated guy and its no wonder he was upset.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

ActiveMom said:


> As far as how I would feel if the roles were reversed... I would not have a problem with him and our 3 children going with a female friend and her children for a family oriented day... we do things like this from time to time with other families in any combination of adults.


 I can understand how you would say you would have no problem with it because it didn't happen. But I would bet the house that if it did, you would be acting the same way your husband is acting.

Look, you made a mistake but don't think that it was a small one. You at a age where you should know better and you have to think before you act.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ActiveMom said:


> ... I do not think that I should be restricted with my separated and divorced friends ...


So why post a question with the title being "Did I Cross the Line?" You are asking total strangers in cyberspace to support your opinion, from what I'm reading. 

What I think of anyone else here thinks doesn't mean squat. Your husband is bothered. THAT matters. 

So fine by me if you don't think you should be "restricted" from friends regardless of their relationship status. No skin off my nose.

Again, your husband is bothered. I don't matter; he does. And he doesn't like it. Not. One. Bit.

Stand your ground and do what you want. Go toe-to-toe with hubs and duke it out.

My opinion? For what it's worth, I'd get the heck off the internet asking folks like me if you crossed the line. I'd be respecting what my husband requested. Seriously.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You just screwed up your marriage. Congratulations. 
Your husband will now be snooping, I know I would be.

You better lay yourself on the sword and offer up any and all to questions your husband has. He now will doubt you. TRUST ME


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

ActiveMom said:


> Thank you for bringing this up because my husband and I actually discussed this very topic. I did not know that she would not be there. They regularly do things together as a family despite their separation.
> 
> I did not intentionally leave this out of our conversation as you are so implying. I honestly did not think it was a required part of asking my husband what he thought of me and the kids going.


Ok, you are talking out of both sides of your mouth. First you are saying you didn't know if she would be there or not, but then you are saying that you didn't think it was "a required part" of asking your husband what he thought of the whole trip idea to mention that he was separated from his wife. "What do you think about us going on a ski trip with another family?" vs. "What do you think about us going on a trip with a man who just separated from his wife, and his kids. Who knows, maybe his wife will be there, they still sometimes do things together?"

Come on.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ActiveMom said:


> What now? - Although I do not think that I should be restricted with my separated and divorced friends, I have apologized to my husband.


If he was really friends with your husband before you, do you really not see the problem with him sharing the separation with you and not your spouse? Whether it was innocent or not, you kept an important piece of information from your husband. 


ActiveMom said:


> I knew that he had become separated a few weeks back but never thought anything of it.


Secrets kill marriages.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

> Did I cross the line? Should I have not gone to his house? Or is my husband over reacting? I now feel guilty for going there and enjoying the day. I want to respect my husbands feelings and opinions but I also want to be able to choose my friends. Please advise!


ActiveMom, comfort levels with opposite sex friends is an issue that varies greatly in different people. I think there are "safer" vs "less safe" options but not necessarily a hard stop "right" or "wrong."

Personally, for most of my adult life I would have done the same thing you did without thinking twice about it. Your husband knew where you going, he agreed to it. He flipped his lid once a detail that is VERY important to him, and* not at all important to you,* was inadvertently missed. I know it bends the minds to the point of disbelief for many men, but I can easily understand how the missing separated wife would not register if you have zero intentions/thoughts/mindfulness at all about a potential illicit gathering. Especially if you both are used to having opposite sex friends and your husband is also friends with the guy.

In your shoes the younger me would have railed against my husband's hypocrisy and mistrust (Sure! It's fine to accept his generosity for skiing but WOAH! Dinner with the kids is totally off?? What, do you think I'd do anything? Pfffff!) 

At this point though, after reading (way too much!!) on TAM and other marital boards, as well as seeing some things go down for others in real life- I've come to the conclusion that it's just a much easier and safer option to keep up strong boundaries among opposite sex friendships. 

There is just nothing worth either: 
a. the general risk, however low it may seem, of a current male friendship becoming a little too close emotionally or worse, or 
b. my husband's discomfort, in my finding and making new male friends. 

My husband's first wife cheated on him, so by the time we got together he had much stronger boundaries than I did originally. Therefore I wasn't too worried about a switch with A or B- he wouldn't have been hanging out alone with another non-family woman. But if he was willing to hang out alone with other non-family women, the risks and discomfort would apply to me as well.

(And I had my own boundary issues with him regarding flirtation, but that is for another thread.)

If your marriage is good overall, is it really worth creating dissension over this? For me the answer was a very strong "Hell No." Your mileage may vary.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Ok, you are talking out of both sides of your mouth. First you are saying you didn't know if she would be there or not, but then you are saying that you didn't think it was "a required part" of asking your husband what he thought of the whole trip idea to mention that he was separated from his wife. "What do you think about us going on a ski trip with another family?" vs. "What do you think about us going on a trip with a man who just separated from his wife, and his kids. Who knows, maybe his wife will be there, they still sometimes do things together?"
> 
> Come on.


I don't think she is talking out of both sides of her mouth.

She had zero thought or intention of having an affair with this man. It had not entered her mind. 

I think the separation simply did not register for her as an important issue. For an adultery-free marriage, why would it??

The husband WAS invited- it's not like the guy set up a secret rendezvous for just the OP so he could get her all alone. The husband is friends with the guy too, why doesn't he know on his own? She is not keeping a secret. 

This is a new boundary her husband is putting down. 

In Non-TAM life there are a gazillion marriages with opposite sex friendships; there are a pretty decent number of successful marriages with people ON TAM who have opposite sex friendships. 

As usual there are hammers falling down. Oh, what what a terrible and apparently clueless wife she is! She has now destroyed her marriage!! To this I really say PFFFFFFFFFFFF.

OP, don't let the haters get you down. What you are really seeing is a lot of hurt people who have experienced horrible and painful fall-out from situations that started out just like your scenario. It looks innocent but it can all go downhill very fast. 

Once that veil of innocence is removed it really can't be replaced. For those of us who have either experienced it first-hand or have read a thousand stories with the same trajectory, you are making what seems like extremely obvious steps into a very bad place. 

Please consider the negative junk you're getting as a theater full of people watching a horror movie and yelling DON'T. GO. OUTSIDE!!! Don't do it!!!


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

RoseAglow said:


> I don't think she is talking out of both sides of her mouth.
> 
> She had zero thought or intention of having an affair with this man. It had not entered her mind.
> 
> ...


OP, this is no longer about you but how your husband feels. I would STRONGLY consider you do everything you can, even over board to convince your husband that you are sorry.

Looking at all sides is always good but I could not disagree more with this poster.....

Trust is hard to earn and very easy to lose. You've broken trust and if you don't think so you are going to be in big, big, trouble.

That guy needs to be cut completely or it will drive your husband nuts now.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> So why post a question with the title being "Did I Cross the Line?" You are asking total strangers in cyberspace to support your opinion, from what I'm reading.
> 
> What I think of anyone else here thinks doesn't mean squat. Your husband is bothered. THAT matters.
> 
> ...


I’m not sure I agree with this at all. Odd advice from someone who has 1,800+ posts here.

Isn’t one the main intents of this site to get perspective/feedback from others? 

What if her husband was an overbearing ogre (which he wasn’t, in this case)? Would your advice still be to ignore everything a placate to him because he’s upset and that’s all that matters? And, she shouldn’t be participating on the site?

ActiveMom, thanks for posting your question. I hope you can gain some insight from some of the responses and grow to be better person and a more understanding spouse as many here (including myself) are also trying to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ActiveMom said:


> I feel that this is not my place to make decisions for the friend nor offend him by not accepting his hospitality because he is now separated.


This is pretty lame. Just because someone offers something does not mean that you have to accept it. Do you always do everything other offer/suggest as it's not your place to not accept?

How is it offending a person to say "Thanks for the offer, but it's getting late and I really do need to get the children back home."

Surely you know that it's absolutely your place to decide wither or not to do something and to politely decline an offer when it's not appropriate.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't think anyone here thinks OP was secretly hoping to go for a roll with the separated man while the kids were there, it's just that it's still basically one-on-one time with a man who is newly single. These things often tend to develop gradually and start "innocently," so it's better not to put yourself in the situation. Plus the fact that she didn't mention to her husband the rather significant fact that he's separated from his wife is just ODD to say the least.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I don't think anyone here thinks OP was secretly hoping to go for a roll with the separated man while the kids were there, it's just that it's still basically one-on-one time with a man who is newly single. These things often tend to develop gradually and start "innocently," so it's better not to put yourself in the situation. *Plus the fact that she didn't mention to her husband the rather significant fact that he's separated from his wife is just ODD to say the least*.


But why is it odd? Her husband is also friends with this guy, if I am reading her posts correctly. Why wouldn't he know? 

If they are all friends, her husband was also invited, I can easily see how she didn't think to inform her husband (who might have already known anyway) about the separation.

I absolutely agree that it's the start of a bad slope and it is much better to avoid the situation. 

It's just that unlike a lot of posters, I think she is simply naive on this. I don't think she was trying to do anything underhanded or sneaky and in fact, she went searching and posting on a website to try to find out more, to see if she was really out of line. To me that is a woman who is interested and invested in her marriage.

Instead, she's getting a ton of hate and "you are not trustworthy" (even though she told him without any attempt to hide the information) etc. There is a HUGE tendency on TAM for people to throw down the hammers and scare people off- well, potentially Wayward women and "weak" male BSs anyway.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> But why is it odd? Her husband is also friends with this guy, if I am reading her posts correctly. Why wouldn't he know?


I'm going based on what she wrote:



> When we arrived home and my husband and I were talking about how the day went - we came to a point in which he asked where my friends wife was. I told him that they had recently become separated but I didn't know why and I didn't pry my friend for details - my friend will share them when he is ready. My husband became upset with me stating that I was wrong to go back to his house after the skiing and that he is not comfortable with him being separated. I knew that he had become separated a few weeks back but never thought anything of it... but my husband became even more upset that I knew he was separated and still went to his house.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Original question - "Did I cross the line".

Answer - YES

Your "friend" led you across the line, but you crossed it. If I were H, I would definitely, positively be upset. I would also know that this guy is NOT a friend at all.

Your "friend" knows he did this, too.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This is pretty lame. Just because someone offers something does not mean that you have to accept it. Do you always do everything other offer/suggest as it's not your place to not accept?
> 
> How is it offending a person to say "Thanks for the offer, but it's getting late an really do need to get the children back home."
> 
> Surely you know that it's absolutely your place to decide wither or not to do something and to politely decline an offer when it's not appropriate.


:iagree:

We have a winner in the "who can be SPOT ON" contest!


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I'm going based on what she wrote:


Right; I was pulling my thought from earlier in the post:



> That being said, 6 months ago at an event for this organization, I made some new acquaintances - *some of which were already friends with my husband. In the coming months I have become friends with two of those people and their wives and families.* A few days ago, one of them contacted me and invited me, my husband, and our children to try skiing with him and his family.


It was clear to me that the husband ended up not knowing, and found out via their conversation after the fact, but I read the bold to mean that this was one of her husband's friends who went on to invite his family to the event.

Either way, it is playing with fire.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yes. The vast majority of couples would call.this crossing a line but most important, you most certainly did cross a line in your own marriage.

You crossed your Hs line and he let you know. It is telling of your respect level for him that you are looking for opinions about your behavior here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> But why is it odd? Her husband is also friends with this guy, if I am reading her posts correctly. Why wouldn't he know?
> 
> If they are all friends, her husband was also invited, I can easily see how she didn't think to inform her husband (who might have already known anyway) about the separation.
> 
> ...


Totally agree with that assessment.

I don't think OP was being underhanded at all.

IMO, the line got crossed NOT with the ski trip invitation, but with the invitation afterward. OP didn't sneak around and plot some rendezvous, but you're right about the slippery slope.

NOT condemning OP, but the wiser decision would have been just what Ele said - a polite "thanks, but no thanks".

H has every right to be upset, but not ruthless about it.

Who he should REALLY be upset with is "friend".....


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Yes. The vast majority of couples would call.this crossing a line but most important, you most certainly did cross a line in your own marriage.
> 
> You crossed your Hs line and he let you know. *It is telling of your respect level for him that you are looking for opinions about your behavior here.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YES!

Many men wish that their spouse was as concerned and caring as you are, OP...


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Inadvertantly a line was crossed but it's just a case of pick yourself up and dust down and carry on we've all been guilty of not thinking how our partners would feel about things but most importantly the mutual friend should have also told hubby about the seperation, so now it's really up to you if you follow hubbies request to not be around him without hubby or not


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

*"Because they are separated I should not associate with them without my husband being present" : 100 % true

more realistic :

"Because they are separated I should not associate with him" .*

You,(of course same applies to your hub) shouldn't associate with a seperated spouse as a personnel friend ;if association occurs , it should be through the spouse.

You might be doing things innocently ; but believe it or not come back in no time to TAM again ; and you will be either be a cheater or disconnected from this man .

your choice .


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

I expect next , your Husband will ask you to cut ties with this person ...


and 

you will refuse !


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

If you knew about his separation prior to going on this trip, why not tell your H? Ah, bc he wouldn't have been ok with it. Bingo.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Ok, you are talking out of both sides of your mouth. First you are saying you didn't know if she would be there or not, ... they still sometimes do things together?"


This is a good question, I wondered about the "apparent" inconsistency as well.

I am sure it just needs further explanation to make sense.

Text type is low bandwidth. 

Op it seems like you are saying "I knew they were separated and she might not be there, but they still do things together so I knew she possibly might be there, but I never thought to tell my husband, (at any time along their separation continuum), and I never gave it much thought for this particular event."

Have I got that right?

Did we establish how long ago their separation began?

I can see how that could happen and still be innocent.

Op did you have any interest in some personal interaction with him "sans" spouses, however innocent? (Kids playtime notwithstanding) 
To restate did you hope for or look forward to the possibility that the two of you might be there without the other parents for some personal interaction innocent though it may be?

I feel like that is a question waiting to be asked, so can you just address that directly? Thank you.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I'm going to go against the mob and say no, you didn't cross a line. For one, you didn't know his wife wasn't going to be there, so your husband can't get mad at you for not telling him before you left. It also seems like it never even occurred to you that going to his house afterwards would be an issue. I honestly wouldn't think it would be, either - although I also know my husband wouldn't have a problem with it. Your intentions were pure, that's what counts. 

I wouldn't dwell on it to much. Now you know that your husband has an issue with this kind of thing and you won't make the same mistake again (and he won't let you lol).


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

ActiveMom said:


> Thank you for bringing this up because my husband and I actually discussed this very topic. *I did not know that she would not be there*. They regularly do things together as a family despite their separation.
> 
> I did not intentionally leave this out of our conversation as you are so implying. I honestly did not think it was a required part of asking my husband what he thought of me and the kids going.


But you DID know that she wasn't there for the "next invitation"...

I don't think anybody is accusing you of being a cheater or a lout here. Just that H has a right to be upset about the one-on-one with the separated "friend"...


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Active mom ,

Are you ready to respond to any future invitation to redirect him to your hub , simply you can tell him it was nice event with the family and my hub is looking to be in .

Are u ready for such sacrifice ?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Active Mom,

Hope you are not offended by what has been posted. Remember infidelity is what drew many to this site. So there may be some hyper vigilance. I would just chalk this up to a learning experience.

You can reassure you husband by being affectionate and acknowledging his boundary. Ask him if is okay to invite OM over when you have a social situation. Preferably you invite a single mom GF over.

When couple's divorce it is not common for the singles both male and female to lose their social circle of married friends. This is not an accident.


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## bilbo99 (Feb 16, 2011)

Why is your husband so paranoid? Trust issues? If so, why?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

bilbo99 said:


> Why is your husband so paranoid? Trust issues? If so, why?


Sorry but husband is not paranoid. In fact he is very wise to set his boundary and make it known.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

bilbo99 said:


> Why is your husband so paranoid? Trust issues? If so, why?


because she hid the fact that they were separated. I wonder what else has happened in the past in their relationship that could have been crossing the line.

voicing concern about a lie by omission and setting a boundary about dose not equal paranoid.

look up the definition of paranoid!

by labeling something as worse as it really is just as a defense is really bad in my opinion.

I'm not really into homosexuals but that doesn't make me a homophobe.

classic argument technic.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

batsociety said:


> I'm going to go against the mob and say no, you didn't cross a line. For one, you didn't know his wife wasn't going to be there, so your husband can't get mad at you for not telling him before you left. It also seems like it never even occurred to you that going to his house afterwards would be an issue. I honestly wouldn't think it would be, either - although I also know my husband wouldn't have a problem with it. *Your intentions were pure, that's what counts. *
> 
> I wouldn't dwell on it to much. Now you know that your husband has an issue with this kind of thing and you won't make the same mistake again (and he won't let you lol).


Bruce Jenner killed someone in a car accident a few days ago. His intentions were pure, but he's still facing vehicular manslaughter charges and 6 years in prison. Intentions were pure and that's all that matters is bunkum.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

You crossed a line with your husband. That's truly all that matters. Discuss the reasons why this was upsetting to him, share your POV, apologize if necessary and find a compromise for future situations.

That's all that matters. As far as TAM keep in mind this place has an enormous selection bias. Lots of hurting people who love to project their pain and issue out dire warnings. There is also an incredible amount of paranoia here; some haven't realized that the TAM experience is hardly the universal experience.

No it doesn't sound like you destroyed your marriage or are hunting for strange d!ck. It sounds like OSF were always fine and allowable in your marriage and now, under very specific set of circumstances, you discovered your husband has boundaries you weren't hitherto aware of. That's it. Don't make this any more than it is. My suggestion, if your marriage is sound, is to talk to him, work this out quickly and thoroughly, and move on. Don't let something this simple fester and become a bigger problem than it needs to be.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

For many years I was a trusting husband, "sure honey you can go", turns out I was a fool. OP you may think nothing about going to that mans home, but the issue I see is you put yourself in a compromising position. 

For one it reflects badly on your husband when his wife is spending time with a newly separated man. Also a married woman should never become an emotional sounding board for a separated man, maybe that didn't happen but continued visiting and I would bet it would happen. Then you become emotionally invested in one another...then feelings start to grow...then touching and holding happen...then POW! you're involved!

Setting boundaries is important, if you can't understand your husbands feelings I feel sorry for the guy. If you would have came home and said "Oh crap honey, we stopped by his house and I had no idea he was separated and his wife wasn't there, that will never happen again" your husband wouldn't feel threatened. But when you tell the man you're committed to that he's nuts for not wanting you in that situation he's going to start wondering about your true level of commitment. 

My point is married people should never put themselves in compromising situations, it's really that easy.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cooper said:


> My point is married people should never put themselves in compromising situations, it's really that easy.


And you, and everybody here, need to keep in mind that not all married people define "compromising situations" the same.

That's the root of this conflict. One spouse sees something as a "compromising situation", the other didn't seem to at all. It's a conflict of perspective. There are plenty of other couples who wouldn't have had any problem whatsoever with the way this situation went down. 

So while I agree that married people should avoid compromising situations, it's very important note that what those situations are can, and do, vary radically.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Did you cross the line? No. There was no line you knew of to cross.

Now there is a line. That line is your husband does not want you socializing with separated men. I presume this applies to single men also. 

Are you going to respect your husband's wishes? Is you marriage more important to you than socializing with single men? That's only a question you can answer for yourself.

Your normal reaction is to convice your husband that his wishes are wrong. But that is a marriage harming strategy.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You crossed the line OP.

Any relation with a single/separated man = disrespectful and inappropriate towards your marriage.

99.999% of men in this world will never EVER be your "friend" unless there is some kind of attraction involved. THUS, i don't believe in "opposite sex friends". Accept that.

NOTE: There are always exceptions to the rule, but it's a good rule for ANY man/woman to go by.

heck, stay away from any singles (man or woman).....

If I were OP, I would apologize to husband and assure him it will never happen again. Meanwhile, watch yourself around other men and those "friendships". 

And the reason why you get along well with other men OP, is because they want you and will tell you whatever you want to hear. It's like asking a salesman how great the product is......or if you should buy something from them......kind of a stupid question to ask (conflict of interest). Of course they will tell you it's amazing and you not only should buy it but convince you that you need it.

Your husband knows all this.....he has watched his friends/men do it to women his ENTIRE LIFE.

Don't be naive...


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

jaquen said:


> You crossed a line with your husband. That's truly all that matters. Discuss the reasons why this was upsetting to him, share your POV, apologize if necessary and find a compromise for future situations.
> 
> That's all that matters. As far as TAM keep in mind this place has an enormous selection bias. Lots of hurting people who love to project their pain and issue out dire warnings. There is also an incredible amount of paranoia here; some haven't realized that the TAM experience is hardly the universal experience.
> 
> No it doesn't sound like you destroyed your marriage or are hunting for strange d!ck. It sounds like OSF were always fine and allowable in your marriage and now, under very specific set of circumstances, you discovered your husband has boundaries you weren't hitherto aware of. That's it. Don't make this any more than it is. My suggestion, if your marriage is sound, is to talk to him, work this out quickly and thoroughly, and move on. Don't let something this simple fester and become a bigger problem than it needs to be.


:iagree: this is spot on advice. Acknowledge your husbands perspective, let him know (and show him) that you are not out to have an affair and you didn't realize this was that important to him.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jaquen said:


> And you, and everybody here, need to keep in mind that not all married people define "compromising situations" the same.
> 
> That's the root of this conflict. One spouse sees something as a "compromising situation", the other didn't seem to at all. It's a conflict of perspective. There are plenty of other couples who wouldn't have had any problem whatsoever with the way this situation went down.
> 
> So while I agree that married people should avoid compromising situations, it's very important note that what those situations are can, and do, vary radically.


If one spouse sees it as a compromising situation, informs the other spouse, and the other spouse does it any way, that marriage is compromised. Both spouses don't have to agree with the underlying reasoning, but each spouse needs to respect the others boundaries.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

No line crossed - this time. If there's a next time, then yes.

OP's husband was invited and was unable to attend. This hardly seems like a newly separated man "on the hunt", inviting a married woman (and her only) on a ski trip. Kids were also in tow. This was to be a family weekend. Through certain circumstances, it didn't end up being quite as such.

Was this a potentially dangerous scenario? I suppose. But both parties would have had to have a reason to make it so.

I can see how it would be uncomfortable for OP's husband afterwards, and he has every right to draw his line in the sand and say "not again". And I think OP herself understands this, anyway.

But was a line crossed? Certainly not.

If you want to nitpick, then perhaps the gentleman who invited the family along for the ski trip should have rescheduled for another time when OP's husband was available, upon finding out he was not able to come. It probably would have been the right thing to do.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think you're only guilty of omission...you knew he was separated, you had all the knowledge before hand, you could have simply asked the guy if his wife would be there, and then related everything to your husband...instead you didn't ask the question and you didn't tell your husband before hand they were separated...i don't think you did it consciously, but you have to ask yourself why did you really keep it from him? why did you not ask the question? somewhere deep down you know the answer...perhaps you like the attention of another man...you can deny it but i suspect there is some truth to it....


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

I think the line was crossed, because you deceived your husband, voluntarily or not, by keeping your friend marital status and the probable absence of his wife a secret.



ActiveMom said:


> A few days ago, one of them contacted me and invited me, my husband, and our children to try skiing with him and his family -


If this is how you reported your friend's offer to your husband, it's quite obvious that - if you don't mention the separation - anyone will think that the man and his wife were going to be there.

It remains to be seen if you used that wording because deep down you were afraid that if your husband couldn't come you would be asked to not go.

It also remains to be seen if your friend was just being generous or if he knew that your husband would probabaly have been busy with his job.

The last two paragraphs may be considered "paranoid" by some but, reading your OP, I was wondering why this man, who supposedly was a friend of your husband even before he was a friend of yours, has told you about his separation and not your husband, and also why he would call you for the invitation and not him...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ActiveMom said:


> Thank you for bringing this up because my husband and I actually discussed this very topic. I did not know that she would not be there. They regularly do things together as a family despite their separation.
> 
> I did not intentionally leave this out of our conversation as you are so implying. I honestly did not think it was a required part of asking my husband what he thought of me and the kids going.


What kinds of things do they regularly do together despite the separation? It's basically a brand new separation, so how much time would they have had to even DO a lot, and for you to even know about that/observe it? How often do you see this family?

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around you finding out about the separation a few weeks ago, but not thinking anything of it. If couple friends of ours got separated, I'd immediately be like, "hey, did you know the Smiths were separating???" Why do you think that's no big deal and not conversation-worthy? Not that I'm encouraging gossip.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ok, since you both socialize in all kinds of family arrangements, I would not expect this to be a problem. Frankly, after the whole day skiing, everybody cold and wet from snow, it sounds like great idea to go to his house to change and have something hot to eat, instead of driving wet and hungry, with kids for an hour and half. 

It's not like it was just two of you, there was the whole bunch of kids with you. Not much more would have happen here then outside skiing in the snow together.

BUT - I see but here. Only beause you have become defensive. and you kept the fact of the friends separation to yourself. You like the other guy. I am not saying you are looking for an affair, I just think you enjoy the company and enjoyed the fact that your spouses weren't there, even if you yourself have not realized it yet. if this wasn't true, you would just say 'sorry honey, I didn't realize it would upset you. never again". But you liked it. And that's where the danger is (to your marriage)


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

Some thoughts on your post:

_In the coming months I have become friends with two of those people and their wives and families._

So you are friends with the wife as well?

_and invited me, my husband, and our children to try skiing with him and his family_

His Family. Somehow when I first read this I did think that family included both spouses.

_they had recently become separated but I didn't know why and I didn't pry my friend for details - my friend will share them when he is ready_

So you spent the day with him and later sat and talked while the kids built snow caves and the topic of why they separated never came up? Seriously?

_I knew that he had become separated a few weeks back but never thought anything of it.._

Separated for a few weeks, but

_They regularly do things together as a family despite their separation._

How do you regularly do things as a family if it’s only been a few weeks? It never occurred to you to ask if the wife would be there? Or you didn’t care?

It doesn’t seem as though you spent the night, which would have driven me (were I your husband) up the wall, but the inconsistencies wouldn’t sit well with me at all. In fact, were I your husband I would have thought you knew they were separated, you knew the wife wouldn't be there and you went because you wanted to give your friend some support.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ActiveMom said:


> Did I cross the line? Should I have not gone to his house? Or is my husband over reacting? I now feel guilty for going there and enjoying the day. I want to respect my husbands feelings and opinions but I also want to be able to choose my friends. Please advise!


 First you should have told your husband that the other man was separated from his wife prior to accepting the ski offer. If you were my wife, that info would have ended it right there as I would not feel comfortable with you spending the day with him. Second, with this info, had you gone on the ski trip, you should not have gone to his house afterwards.


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## ActiveMom (Feb 17, 2015)

Wow... Just WOW! Let's see... where do I start. 

I do value and respect my husband's opinion, and I am very invested in my marriage - which is exactly why I reached out here to see if my feelings were off base, to a mass of people who may have been in similar situations. Instead I was met with angry bitter people accusing me of lying, omitting, destroying my marriage, being sneaky, "dating", and more. 

After sifting through all of these haters, I pulled out the real advice of focusing on my husband's feelings and being sure that I made it clear to him that I understood why he was feeling the way that he was. (Even despite the cavemen mentality of I should beg for forgiveness, gravel at his feet and bend to my husband's every whim)

I don't feel it warranted to respond to every point, but here are a few key points.

** I did not hide the fact that he was separated. If that were the case I would have simply told my husband she was somewhere else. I didn't. I without hesitation told him they had separated.

** I never said my husband was unable to come because of work. He was unable to attend because he was running a 4 day event for this organization that we are involved in. He was having fun of his own and not disgruntled because he was at work.

** This boundary has not been set before - to the contrary this situation has been fine in the past... which is why I reacted the way I did. My question to him was why is situation A, B, and C acceptable (all situations that were similar) but this one wasn't?

** After more discussion with my husband - I discovered that our two families being together did not bother him... it was the preception that it conveyed to others. So we continued that discussion to clarify how heavily we wanted to weigh the thoughts of others. 

** What I didn't tell you all is that I shared my post with my husband shortly after I wrote it, and by this morning, he and I were laughing so hard at some of the responses. We thought it comical how it started of me asking an opinion to I'm dating this man, omitting information, keeping secrets, the day turned to the whole weekend, and so on and so on. 

** We also found it comical that this website is here to provide discussion and feedback from other people - yet several posts stated that I shouldn't be on here? Hypocritical.

SO what did I learn? What now? My husband and I have talked through this and settled on details of what we expect from each other... and we had a really good laugh at some of you on here - but more importantly, we appreciate those of you who gave objective advice without exaggeration, attack, and assumptions.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Anytime you ask the opinions of others you need to sift thru the garbage, there are lot's of wounded or angry people out there that don't know how to be objective. Heck I like to think I'm rational thinking but at times emotions and past experiences may cloud my judgment.

It sounds like you and your husband talked it thru and reached a consensus of understanding, that's one of the things that makes a marriage strong.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just to be fair. Your situation is a carbon copy of how tons of affairs have started. View some the responses through that lens.

Folks do really want to help and it doesn't hurt to examine what the worst outcome of a situation could be. There are a lot of worst case scenarios posting here.

Glad you two communicated but it never hurts to see what could happen if good communication and boundaries break down.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ActiveMom said:


> Wow... Just WOW! Let's see... where do I start.
> 
> I do value and respect my husband's opinion, and I am very invested in my marriage - which is exactly why I reached out here to see if my feelings were off base, to a mass of people who may have been in similar situations. Instead I was met with angry bitter people accusing me of lying, omitting, destroying my marriage, being sneaky, "dating", and more.
> 
> ...


Great job OP, and glad you had a good outcome and had good conversations with your spouse about what the issue is, and aligning on boundaries.

Extremely well done.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

ActiveMom said:


> Wow... Just WOW! Let's see... where do I start.
> 
> After sifting through all of these haters,
> 
> and we had a really good laugh at some of you on here - but more importantly, we appreciate those of you who gave objective advice without exaggeration, attack, and assumptions.


I take it sympathy is not your strong point, glad we could add a little laughter to your day


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

OP, it's very good to be mindful of the fact that this is indeed how affairs can start. I had an emotional affair with an engaged friend in college, and while I regret the experience, it was an amazing teacher. We both had excellent intentions and a lovely friendship. It turned on a dime to love (granted, we were very young). It was a good experience to have in that I learned you can never be too careful.

That said, I would have a hard time turning down dinner with hungry kids after a long day skiing! I would probably have gone too, but called H or sent a text to make sure he was ok with it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> I think it's odd that you knew this man was separated and that his wife wouldn't be there and when you asked your husband about going.....you left that out.


Ding Ding Ding..

We have a Winnah!!

This is the big pink elephant in the room.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

ActiveMom said:


> Wow... Just WOW! Let's see... where do I start.
> 
> I do value and respect my husband's opinion, and I am very invested in my marriage - which is exactly why I reached out here to see if my feelings were off base, to a mass of people who may have been in similar situations. Instead I was met with angry bitter people accusing me of lying, omitting, destroying my marriage, being sneaky, "dating", and more.
> 
> ...


Well done.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Ding Ding Ding..
> 
> We have a Winnah!!
> 
> This is the big pink elephant in the room.


I believe she said in her OP that she didn't know the wife wasn't going until she got there.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

ActiveMom said:


> ** This boundary has not been set before - to the contrary this situation has been fine in the past... which is why I reacted the way I did. My question to him was why is situation A, B, and C acceptable (all situations that were similar) but this one wasn't?
> 
> ** After more discussion with my husband - I discovered that our two families being together did not bother him... it was the preception that it conveyed to others. So we continued that discussion to clarify how heavily we wanted to weigh the thoughts of others.


Boundaries can also change due to circumstances and be person dependent. My wife allows me to do certain things with women but sometimes not with a particular woman and I respect that. Allowing for the spousal gut feeling is also important. 



ActiveMom said:


> SO what did I learn? What now? My husband and I have talked through this and settled on details of what we expect from each other... and we had a really good laugh at some of you on here - but more importantly, we appreciate those of you who gave objective advice without exaggeration, attack, and assumptions.


This is really great! This sort of discussion between you both will do well for your marriage.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

OP,
Sometimes posting here can bring you as much chaf as wheat.
We are all characters and we have seen a lot of stuff. Some of us are more expressive and interpret things with their own lenses firmly attached.

BUT...in the end you got what you needed.
Thats whats important.

Any time you can get a different perspective on things is worth the time.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I believe she said in her OP that she didn't know the wife wasn't going until she got there.


 The OP stated in her first post that she "knew that he had become separated a few weeks back".


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

TRy said:


> She said in her first post that she knew weeks before that they were separated.


Right, but also said they still did things together as a family so she thought she was going to be there.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ActiveMom said:


> Wow... Just WOW! Let's see... where do I start.
> 
> I do value and respect my husband's opinion, and I am very invested in my marriage *EXCELLENT!* - which is exactly why I reached out here to see if my feelings were off base, to a mass of people who may have been in similar situations. Instead I was met with angry bitter people accusing me of lying, omitting, destroying my marriage, being sneaky, "dating", and more.
> 
> ...


And truth be told....the other man that is separated...do you really think he is not on the hunt for any shred of female companionship? If you don't... read Not Just Friends.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ActiveMom said:


> Wow... Just WOW! Let's see... where do I start.
> 
> I do value and respect my husband's opinion, and I am very invested in my marriage - which is exactly why I reached out here to see if my feelings were off base, to a mass of people who may have been in similar situations. Instead I was met with angry bitter people accusing me of lying, omitting, destroying my marriage, being sneaky, "dating", and more.
> 
> ...


wishing you and your husband best of luck with your marriage.

some how I think you guys will need it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Right, but also said they still did things together as a family so she thought she was going to be there.


That's correct.

I call this "leaving BIG details out, for convenience to make herself innocent/justify her actions".

After all, it's pretty clear that OP came here to hear what she wanted to hear.....not what she needed to hear.

It IS a repeating story around these ways.

I would love to see a smile/laughter on her husband's face now.....:scratchhead:

And even if he wasn't separated, married woman spending time with another married male without spouse is not exactly appropriate or respectful towards her husband/marriage.

And the whole "mature woman that still thinks she has male friends" is quite....... I don't know, naive/childish/ignorant?

:scratchhead:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> some how I think you guys will need it.




Notice how selective her appreciation was, only to those that told her what she wanted to hear.



Well played


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> And truth be told....the other man that is separated...do you really think he is not on the hunt for any shred of female companionship? If you don't... read Not Just Friends.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

You shut your mouth, don't you dare ruin her friendship. 

It's quite convenient!!!! Free skiing, Free food and lodge.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I'm glad you were able to get some help communicating with your husband. Open, thoughtful communication is frequently lacking...leading to all sorts of needless drama. Good on you both for talking this potential issue through. 

I would ask though...at this point, given what you have read and talked to your husband about....Do you think you crossed a line?

You may want to consider that it's possible (not certain...not impossible) that your husband used the argument of appearances to justify his concern- not that he should need to justify it. As in most things -like attracts like. The friends he is concerned about...would they view it as a line crossed? Could your husbands ideas of what is appropriate be so vastly different from your friends? From the recently separated man you went skiing with?


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Glad to hear you guys were able to talk about it and establish an joint decision on how to deal with a situation like this in the future. 

And like any forum, you have to take the opinion of internet strangers with a grain of salt. You're only a victim if you let yourself be one!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DoF said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> You shut your mouth, don't you dare ruin her friendship.
> 
> It's quite convenient!!!! Free skiing, Free food and lodge.


:lol::rofl:

Problem is...one day it may not be free...if you catch my drift.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Activemom, I hope you've had an honest and frank discussion with your H about whether or not you have any attraction to this man. Throughout this whole discussion, you have not said. 

Similarly, I think your H is well within his rights to have a heart-to-heart with his friend about this incident.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

DOF, you becoming mean bunny here.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Similarly, I think your H is well within his rights to have a heart-to-heart with his friend about this incident.


This guy is NOT his friend


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> DOF, you becoming mean bunny here.


You think so? 

What exactly do you find "mean"?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> :lol::rofl:
> 
> Problem is...one day it may not be free...if you catch my drift.


Ohh, we all know it's coming, just a matter of time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ActiveMom said:


> ** What I didn't tell you all is that I shared my post with my husband shortly after I wrote it, and by this morning, he and I were laughing so hard at some of the responses. We thought it comical how it started of me asking an opinion to I'm dating this man, omitting information, keeping secrets, the day turned to the whole weekend, and so on and so on.


Kind of ironic he was mad about a secret, but now it isn't a secret. Glad it all worked out.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

this event aside I would be concerned about a spouse that tells me they always found it easier to socialize with the opposite sex. If true I think once you're married one should work A LOT harder on socializing/befriending the same sex. 

am thinking your husband might not be laughing about this, someday....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Right, but also said they still did things together as a family so she thought she was going to be there.


 Actually the OP said "6 months ago at an event for this organization, I made some new acquaintances - some of which were already friends with my husband. In the coming months I have become friends with two of those people and their wives and families." Since they only separated a few weeks ago, and she was invited on the ski trip just a few days ago, her socialization with the wife was before the separation, and she was not surprised by the wife not going on the trip, but in the OP’s word “never thought anything of it” which is why she did not tell her husband before she went.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> this event aside I would be concerned about a spouse that tells me they always found it easier to socialize with the opposite sex. If true I think once you're married one should work A LOT harder on socializing/befriending the same sex.
> 
> am thinking your husband might not be laughing about this, someday....


Better yet, he should "befriend" bunch of ladies.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I believe she said in her OP that she didn't know the wife wasn't going until she got there.


No, she presumed despite knowing they are separated.

Sounded fishy.

I think that while all seems peachy clean now, as described by the OP, that there is something there not to Hoyle--to me.

Let's extend the ski trip to be a summer to the beach.

Sunbathing in a bikini all day next to her separated friend then back to his place to soak in the hot tub. then back home.

Would that be OK since she didn't give it a thought?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Line crossed, you should have inform your husband of the separation. it was a boundary that YOU should have put in place not the spouse. 

You should avoid the perception of evil.(opposite sex spouses together in a private setting without their perspective spouses) Our preacher will not allow himself to be alone with female, his wife always has to be present unless in public setting.

I have a question....did the man know your hubby was not going to be attending before the day of? Easy to not bring up ski/play date to STBX so he could enjoy time with just you and the kids w/o his ex there. Wonder why they are separated? Maybe he has developed an attachment to you. Wonder if she even knew about the ski time.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

​


Nucking Futs said:


> OP, spend a little time reading in CWI. Read some threads where the wife cheated on the husband. You might be surprised how many of those threads started like this.


And some trips to the grocery store end up in fatal car accidents but that doesn't mean that everyone who goes grocery shopping is going to die.

She took the kids along and they played. I don't think warming yourself and your kids up after a days skiing is any great red flag, that would seem like a normal thing to do.

The bigger issue is that her husband doesn't trust her, we don't know whether or not he has good reason. 

I'm surprised she didn't mention to her H that a mutual friend had separated, you would have thought it would have come up in normal conversation, that may have aroused his suspicion.

If he started making any sort of advance to her when they were alone then she should leave, that would be crossing the line by a long way on his part.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

ActiveMom said:


> Yes they were dated... He got them from his work as an employee incentive, (he did not pay for them) and my husband's ticket was not wasted, he gave it to a coworker.


Sounds like a decent guy who gave out a blanket invite to me, not someone plotting to get a married woman alone ...... while their kids all play outside.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> I don't think she is talking out of both sides of her mouth.
> 
> She had zero thought or intention of having an affair with this man. It had not entered her mind.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

If you keep talking sense and realism like this on TAM you'll be getting banned.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> ​
> And some trips to the grocery store end up in fatal car accidents but that doesn't mean that everyone who goes grocery shopping is going to die.
> 
> She took the kids along and they played. I don't think warming yourself and your kids up after a days skiing is any great red flag, that would seem like a normal thing to do.
> ...


I don't think she said he doesn't trust her. Again..."Trusting Her" has little to do with the situation. I trust my wife to be a great swimmer...doesn't mean I wouldn't have concerns about her swimming in the shark tank...I just don't trust all those hungry sharks. 

Pulling out the "Trust" card is fairly transparent method of attempting to shame someone into submission and stop discussion. The antithesis of communication. 

Not an issue of "Trust" at all. Its one of boundaries. What people will and will not tolerate. Whenever someone says "Trust me"...its usually a SIGNIFICANT indicator that they aren't necessarily worthy of the trust they desire.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Damn y'all are getting worse and worse with every new thread!!

OP, I don't see what you did wrong.

Your husband was invited, all the kids were there, and it's the first time you ever interacted with this man on a personal level.
You've done nothing wrong.

However, now that you know the guy is single and your husband has this boundary you should act accordingly and only socialize with him in this manner with your husband present.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

RoseAglow said:


> ActiveMom, comfort levels with opposite sex friends is an issue that varies greatly in different people. I think there are "safer" vs "less safe" options but not necessarily a hard stop "right" or "wrong."
> 
> Personally, for most of my adult life I would have done the same thing you did without thinking twice about it. Your husband knew where you going, he agreed to it. He flipped his lid once a detail that is VERY important to him, and* not at all important to you,* was inadvertently missed. I know it bends the minds to the point of disbelief for many men, but I can easily understand how the missing separated wife would not register if you have zero intentions/thoughts/mindfulness at all about a potential illicit gathering. Especially if you both are used to having opposite sex friends and your husband is also friends with the guy.
> 
> ...



Thank goodness sanity is not completely dead at TAM!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> *And some trips to the grocery store end up in fatal car accidents but that doesn't mean that everyone who goes grocery shopping is going to die.*
> 
> She took the kids along and they played. I don't think warming yourself and your kids up after a days skiing is any great red flag, that would seem like a normal thing to do.
> 
> ...


That's just silly. Everyone who goes grocery shopping _is_ going to die.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WonkyNinja said:


> I'm surprised she didn't mention to her H that a mutual friend had separated, you would have thought it would have come up in normal conversation, that may have aroused his suspicion.


She said somewhere in this thread she was unaware of their separation because they often still attend social functions together and assumed they were together.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> *YOU HAVE LEARNED HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR H. THIS SITE HAS BEEN HELPFUL TO YOU! HATERS OR NOT!*


No, she shared this with hubby straight after posting it. They already knew how to communicate so let's not give credit where it isn't due.

What she learned is that given a few little bits of information a number of posters on this supposed support group will immediately assume the very worst in someone.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> wishing you and your husband best of luck with your marriage.
> 
> some how I think you guys will need it.


Why? What could you possibly have read in her reply to suggest that they are in trouble?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> I don't think she said he doesn't trust her. Again..."Trusting Her" has little to do with the situation. I trust my wife to be a great swimmer...doesn't mean I wouldn't have concerns about her swimming in the shark tank...I just don't trust all those hungry sharks.


I stand corrected, she didn't say that I made the mistake of assuming it. Apologies.

I love swimming with sharks. Preferably in the wild but have done in tanks also. They are amazing to watch. 



> Whenever someone says "Trust me"...its usually a SIGNIFICANT indicator that they aren't necessarily worthy of the trust they desire.


That's not fair. The car salesman said that to me and he was right. I don't know anyone else who's paid the exact sticker price.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> Sounds like a decent guy who gave out a blanket invite to me, not someone plotting to get a married woman alone ...... while their kids all play outside.


That is how it usually begins, WonkyNinja. It usually is not going for the kill at first invite.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> No, she shared this with hubby straight after posting it. They already knew how to communicate so let's not give credit where it isn't due.
> 
> What she learned is that given a few little bits of information a number of posters on this supposed support group will immediately assume the very worst in someone.


WN...she only presented the facts and communicated AFTER coming to this site. The exact reason for coming to this site. The communication was stalled. So yes, lets give credit were credit is due. 

What she should also have learned is not everyone is going to be her cheerleader. Support will include getting your butt handed to you if you are in the wrong.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> Why? What could you possibly have read in her reply to suggest that they are in trouble?


I think reading "Not just Friends" would be good for the OP. She likes to befriend men more than women. Do you think that perhaps one of these men might attempt to overstep their bounds? Will the OP recognize it? Or...will the OP H hear, "It just happened...." It is always good to be aware of ones surroundings and situational awareness is always helpful.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> Support will include getting your butt handed to you if you are in the wrong.


Oh come on now!

We know it's just as common to get your butt handed to you around here when you're in the right as well.

This thread is evidence of that for sure.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tacoma said:


> Oh come on now!
> 
> We know it's just as common to get your butt handed to you around here when you're in the right as well.
> 
> This thread is evidence of that for sure.


In this particular thread many failed at reading comprehension, glossed over what the OP posted and went in for the kill.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

ActiveMom said:


> Wow... Just WOW! Let's see... where do I start.
> 
> ** What I didn't tell you all is that I shared my post with my husband shortly after I wrote it, and by this morning, he and I were laughing so hard at some of the responses. We thought it comical how it started of me asking an opinion to I'm dating this man, omitting information, keeping secrets, the day turned to the whole weekend, and so on and so on.
> 
> ...


I found nothing laughable about what people posted here. You should take your situation seriously. People took time to respond to you.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ActiveMom said:


> Wow... Just WOW! Let's see... where do I start.
> 
> I do value and respect my husband's opinion, and I am very invested in my marriage - which is exactly why I reached out here to see if my feelings were off base, to a mass of people who may have been in similar situations. Instead I was met with angry bitter people accusing me of lying, omitting, destroying my marriage, being sneaky, "dating", and more.
> 
> ...


What can I say? Welcome to TAM. :rofl:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Damn y'all are getting worse and worse with every new thread!!


Truthfully. There is a sickness on this board that seems to be spreading.

The OP comes back and assures us that not only did she share all the details of her original post with hubs, they worked out the issue and actually are laughing at the more hyperbolic, clearly projected responses from the usual drama lovers.

And the response? Almost gleeful, perhaps even spiteful, conjecture that her marriage will run into trouble and she'll regret not succombing to the typical TAM paranoia. It's almost like there are people here who hope her marriage runs into infidelity just so the knee jerk, over the top reactionaries can be proven right. It's actually pretty disconcerting.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Truthfully. There is a sickness on this board that seems to be spreading.
> 
> The OP comes back and assures us that not only did she share all the details of her original post with hubs, they worked out the issue and actually are laughing at the more hyperbolic, clearly projected responses from the usual drama lovers.
> 
> And the response? Almost gleeful, perhaps even spiteful, conjecture that her marriage will run into trouble and she'll regret not succombing to the typical TAM paranoia. It's almost like there are people here who hope her marriage runs into infidelity just so the knee jerk, over the top reactionaries can be proven right. It's actually pretty disconcerting.


I personal opinion is that she came here and tried to gather proof that her husband was wrong for setting boundaries.

and people who have experience reel life situations were her actions were crossing the line so to speak and the very real consequence that can happen from it.

and then she came back to validate her self with her story about how she shared this with her husband and then they laughed about it.

now were only getting her side of the story. I wonder if her husband is really on board with how she acted or if he is rug sweeping a little because she did communicate with him and he feels that's a step in the right direction so he's letting it slide and brushing it off. thinking that the boundary is now known so I'm not making any more of an issue with it. 

her comment about laughing about all the people who were really trying to help her understand poor boundaries because of their own experiences is in poor taste.

no skin off my nose and I stand by my parting comment.

good luck with your marriage 

I think you will need it.

by the way I think that statement is true for every marriage.

there are no guarantees that just because you feel in love and got married and started a family that it will last a life time and all will be rosy to death do you part.

marriage is hard work and each partner should be putting the effort in and watching for land mines along the way!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Perspective is a very important part of asking a question, and answering.

You asked about whether or not your husband is justified in his being upset about you returning and hanging out at the house with a man who has been recently separated.

You asked this question on a site where exactly the same scenario you describe often results in that mom, and her single, recently separated male friend engaging in a sexual affair.

It's downright pedestrian.

So ... 

That is why people ask about the state of your relationship with your husband. 

That is why people want to know about the extent of your relationship with this other man.

Were your circumstances innocent? According to you they were.

Is your husband justified in being upset? Yes. 

Did you cross a line? Maybe, maybe not. That is ultimately up to you to decide.

But ... the important lesson here is, that you now know and should be well aware of the fact that there is a line ... always.

Once you start crossing them, you tend to lose sight of them.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

jaquen said:


> Truthfully. There is a sickness on this board that seems to be spreading.


It borders on abusive.

We have a means of addressing this.


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