# should i give up?



## stigmatizer (Aug 25, 2013)

my story is long an comlicated, and it goes beyond infidelity. i will try to summarize as much as possible.
been married for more than 10 years, before that she was my GF for 6 years. we were in love but after the marriage and birth of our child our sex life started fading till it disappeared. Her excuse was that i did not share responsibilites, was not there for her, did not show her love or care. i don't deny it.
I have always longed for her, but she was emotionaly withdrawing, did not know back then that the key to win her back was to help around more.
Having enough of this emotional torture, i sent her a letter expressing my love for her and that i wanted to build back our marriage, to my surprise she said she stopped loving me long time ago and she only loves me now as a friend. We then agreed to live together as room mates for the sake of a child.
weeks later, i started to notice and strongly suspect that she is having an affair, i asked her on numerous occasions and she denied. I opend her mobile phone, and saw her discussion with her boss. It was clear they were having an affair. 
i confronted her, she told me she loves him, she cried, she says "he" has nothing to do with us. and that in all cases she stopped loving me. She said she needs time to think and consider what she wants in life, what makes her happy, what is best for our child, etc. she said she will put her relationship with him on hold till she figures out what she wants to do. She returned the followind day telling me that she has told him, and they agreed that he will only text her to make sure she is alright (he went then to a long trip).
She limited texting for a while, then she started texting him again. I confronted her again, and told her she broke her promise, she appologized stating that she will not text him again in front of me!!! Last thing we reached is that she will have her space thinking and considering what she wants to do, she promised to visit a therapist (she had previous episodes of depression) and she will decide between leaving the house or getting back to me (only for the sake of our child), i have clearly told her that i don't want her back if it is only for the sake of our child.
The problem is i live in a daily torture, i suspect everything she does, and she still keeps on hurting my feelings by texting him. I was about to move out of the house one day, but it made her very disapointed as she told me we need at least time to plan what to say to our son and our families. Shall i move, or should i give her time she needs to figure out what she wants? She said to give her time till christmas.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

No don't give her time to christmas.

What you should do is the following:

1) Expose her affair to your relatives and Close friends.
2) If your wifes bossd has a Wife or a GF let them know.
3) File for divorce, you may choose to not go through with it later on but you need to make that statement.
4) Schedule time for an STD test, demand that your wife does one to.

What you need to do is take action, you can not follow her lead through this. You must show strength and action.

As so many have said Before:
"To get her back you must be prepare to loose her"

You need to Wake her up really bad. If doing these things breakes your M it would have broken anyways. You would then just have spead up the process a bit.

Read about then 180 and implement it. Start detaching from your W. 

You need to focus on you and your kid to make sure that you will be in as good possition as possible if Everything goes bad.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

Why agree to living as room mates? Why not get the whole divorce over and done with, you have done nothing but allow her to cake eat, she has you around as the "friend" and now you live as roomies she gets to take her infidelities to the next level, ie, PA not just EA.

If she stopped loving you years ago then why carry on with the marriage? For the sake of your child? Nice but if she really wanted to carry on with the marriage then she would have worked harder and communicated better.

I agree with the 180 and gather as much evidence as you can to file for a divorce. I also agree with exposing her affair, yes to begin with it may have been an EA but she let it grow and now she wants you to sit on the side lines waiting for her while she tests the water with her OM, have some respect and file for D, get strong and start securing your assets and be prepared to move on without her.

She is not showing you any respect and the "I stopped loving you years ago and only love you now as friend" line is cheater script #1 it makes her feel better and also tells you it has been going on longer than you may want to know and the guy you know about now may be one of many, sorry but that bit is true!!!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Your continuing to believe her is very naive. And your sitting around waiting for her to decide what she wants is not being a strong man and not protecting your family. If your wife was drunk and said she would be fine driving home would you hand her the keys? So why would you rely on her logic now? Does she seem like she's thinking anything through?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The issue here is getting the boss out of here. IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO DO IT. Does the company have HR dept? Is he married or have a girlfriend?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree. Gather evidence and expose. Find boss's wife or gf and expose. This is priority.

And wait til Xmas?!!!! What for? She stopped loving you years ago. STOP letting her control the situation. Lay down the ultimatum and consequences. If she doesn't want to take it, throw her out...take her stuff and dump it on her bf's doorstep.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> did not know back then that the key to win her back was to help around more.


This is never the case. No one ever won back somebody's heart by doing housework. The key to winning her back is not housework.

It is quite possible and even probable that there is no way to win her back at this point. 

If you were going to win her back, it would be by fighting for her and fighting for your marriage, not sitting back and watching her carry on an affair with another man while you give her time to decide. It would be by demonstrating some self respect, self esteem and confidence and telling her that you refuse to accept such a situation.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> she will decide between leaving the house or getting back to me (only for the sake of our child), i have clearly told her that i don't want her back if it is only for the sake of our child.


Then why wait for a decision? Her decision is between leaving you and staying only for the sake of the child, and neither is acceptable to you. So come Christmas, if she decides, the decision will be unacceptable to you anyway. Why are you waiting?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> The issue here is getting the boss out of here. IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO DO IT. Does the company have HR dept? Is he married or have a girlfriend?


I have to agree with this. Any possibility of saving your marriage starts with ending the affair. If you want to play it safe for divorce, to reduce alimony, get a better settlement, etc., then just go for the divorce and do nothing about the affair. If you want to try to save your marriage, then end the affair.

If you start exposing to friends, family, her employer, you tell her you love her and are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage.

If she is so much in love with this guy and he with her, why hasn't she left you yet and why hasn't he left his family yet? 

Why does she need so much time to decide whether to continue to live as roommates?

If she does decide to continue to live with you as roommates, does that mean that neither of you will ever have sex with anyone else again? Or will it be a f-buddies arrangement between you and your so-called *wife*? Or will you both live as roommates and have relationships with other people?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> she says "he" has nothing to do with us. and that in all cases she stopped loving me.


Her relationship with him had everything to do with her not loving you. Her love for you may have faded, but her relationship with him is the reason she decided to stop working on the relationship with you. If not for him, she very well may have decided to try to work it out with you.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> If she does decide to continue to live with you as roommates, does that mean that neither of you will ever have sex with anyone else again? Or will it be a f-buddies arrangement between you and your so-called *wife*? Or will you both live as roommates and have relationships with other people?



Great question :iagree:

Had a think about this but what are his best options for settlement if he went straight for D? Adultery or what if he is in a no fault state?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> she told me we need at least time to plan what to say to our son and our families.


I guess telling your families the truth is not what she is planning.

I recommend you tell the truth to your families - that she has been cheating on you. Let her tell "her" truth that she fell out of love with you, but you tell your truth that she has been lying, cheating, and deceiving you for years, and she never told you anything about not being in love with you until you discovered the cheating. As far as you know, she was never going to tell you and let you live your entire life as a lie.

I wouldn't tell a young child about the cheating, although they may figure out on their own.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

jules1990 said:


> Great question :iagree:
> 
> Had a think about this but what are his best options for settlement if he went straight for D? Adultery or what if he is in a no fault state?


Just about everyone who posts here wants to reconcile. Divorce is easy, just go to a lawyer and let them guide you through the process, let them tell you how to protect your assets, get custody, etc., in the state/country you are in.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> Shall i move?


If anyone should move, it should be her. Before moving out, consult with a lawyer to see what implications it would have for custody. What is the reasoning for you moving out as opposed to her? Why can't she move in with the one she loves?


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## stigmatizer (Aug 25, 2013)

I don't understand the reason behind exposing her and OM besides making her hate me. It is not like she would crawl back to me if i destroyed her relation with the other guy.
He is married BTW and has two kids, but unfortunely i do not know anything about his wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's a question you should ask her.

Why Christmas? What of significance does she know will be happening in the month of December?

Is bossman going to leave his wife then? Is he getting a transfer to another branch of the company, miles away?

Would you then get a "tearful" text message from your wife saying: "Sorry. Our child and myself on on a plane with bossman, we are going to live together as a happy family, whilst you can go boil your head?"

Don't let this happen. Derail their plans, now!

And this might not be your wife's first time as a star performer in the infidelity rodeo. Sorry to suggest this, but a DNA test of your child would be in order.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> I don't understand the reason behind exposing her and OM besides making her hate me. It is not like she would crawl back to me if i destroyed her relation with the other guy.
> He is married BTW and has two kids, but unfortunely i do not know anything about his wife.


What outcome are you looking for and how do you expect to achieve that outcome?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Also, how would your life be different if your wife "hated" you vs. how she is treating you now?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Which do you think is worse: (1) Lying to, deceiving, and cheating on your spouse for years OR (2) telling everyone the truth about it?

I think (1) is worse. Yet you don't seem to hate your wife for it. Yet you think she will "hate" you for telling the truth about how horribly she has treated you.

I don't understand you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stig,

Listen carefully to posters like Will K, bfree, Mattmatt, et al. They know what they are talking about.

1) Expose the affair to OMW
2) Tell your wife "Honey, I love you and if you will be happy with him, then I will not stop you."
3) Don't argue about and discuss your dysfunctional relationship at this point. The discussion will just go in circles, until she cuts all contact with OM.
4) File for divorce. You don't have to go through with it but it will be a shock for her. Reality.
5) Do the 180. Fake that you are calm and strong.
6) Show restraint. No begging, neediness or angry outbursts.

As the problems of the affair begin to give her pain, she may consider the positive things in your relationship. The moment OM's wife starts giving him all h€ll, he may dump your wife. You may emerge as plan B. That may not be enough for you.

To have a chance to win her back you need to be prepared to lose her. There is no guarantee in this now, but play it smart. The experienced posters will coach you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP ages?
What state? Yes it makes a difference.

Force a decision by say wed at 8 pm local time.
See a lawyer for a free 1 hour consultation on what exactly a divorce entails. This is info only. This is tomorrow!!!,
Secure evidence of the affair.
Tuesday is logistics day to prep for her decision.

Wednesday is her decision.
Divorce path is obvious.
Reconciliation path she agrees to ALL of these.
A. Exposure to family and first circle friends
B. lifetime transparency all passwords phone etc
C. Lifetime monitoring by any means you deem necessary.
D. No contact letter and new job
E. notimelimit on you asking questions about affair. There isno such thing as just get over it
F. Counseling as you see fit
G. Poly with escape clause of other affairs exposed.

No decision until christmas is ridiculous. No separation. She will only use it to continue affair.

Stop accepting being her plan b fallback.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> I don't understand the reason behind exposing her and OM besides making her hate me. It is not like she would crawl back to me if i destroyed her relation with the other guy.
> He is married BTW and has two kids, but unfortunely i do not know anything about his wife.


If you were his wife wouldn't you want to know.:scratchhead:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Stig,
> 
> Listen carefully to posters like Will K, bfree, Mattmatt, et al. They know what they are talking about.
> 
> ...


This^^^^


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

First tell the omw, then go to where they work.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

stigmatizer said:


> I don't understand the reason behind exposing her and* OM besides making her hate me. It is not like she would crawl back to me if i destroyed her relation with the other guy.*
> He is married BTW and has two kids, but unfortunately i do not know anything about his wife.


If she hates you, that is a lot better than contempt and indifference. Hate can turn to love. If her feelings for you are zero, well, anything times zero is still zero.

If she won't crawl, would you want her?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You may not believe this because you are sounding very much like a sad sack, but what you really are is a very selfish man.

You see no reason to expose the affair to the OM's wife because all it would do is make your WW hate you, you say. How about cluing in the poor OMW that her POS H is having an affair with a co-worker? Does your honor just extend to your own measly little circle?

The OMW has as much right to know as you do and you have no right to act like God when you unilaterally decide that it's 'not your business' to tell her.

Telling her is in essence an unselfish act, but you may be surprised at the gifts it offers you once the sh!t hits the fan because of it.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You may not believe this because you are sounding very much like a sad sack, but what you really are is a very selfish man.
> 
> You see no reason to expose the affair to the OM's wife because all it would do is make your WW hate you, you say. How about cluing in the poor OMW that her POS H is having an affair with a co-worker? Does your honor just extend to your own measly little circle?
> 
> ...


stig, at this point in the game what you _want_ is for her to be hopping mad, snorting like a bull when you expose to OMW. Keep in mind the madder she is, then the more damage you have done to the affair. Would you rather her be completely indifferent? Of course not. Your marriage can survive her anger, but not an affair.

Find and call the OMW, and then just sit back and wait. Believe us, you'll know it when it hits.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who cares if she hates you? Worry about people who actually love you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You may not believe this because you are sounding very much like a sad sack, but what you really are is a very selfish man.
> 
> You see no reason to expose the affair to the OM's wife because all it would do is make your WW hate you, you say. How about cluing in the poor OMW that her POS H is having an affair with a co-worker? Does your honor just extend to your own measly little circle?
> 
> ...


Or he is in shock?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

stigmatizer said:


> I don't understand the reason behind exposing her and OM besides making her hate me. It is not like she would crawl back to me if i destroyed her relation with the other guy.
> He is married BTW and has two kids, but unfortunely i do not know anything about his wife.


Guys that talk like this, where fear rules them, always fail unless they find their backbone.

You can't think of a reason breaking up her affair by telling his wife would help save your marriage.............really?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Which do you think is worse: (1) Lying to, deceiving, and cheating on your spouse for years OR (2) telling everyone the truth about it?
> 
> I think (1) is worse. Yet you don't seem to hate your wife for it. Yet you think she will "hate" you for telling the truth about how horribly she has treated you.
> 
> I don't understand you.


I would suggest some ic for you stig.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Guys that talk like this, where fear rules them, always fail unless they find their backbone.
> 
> You can't think of a reason breaking up her affair by telling his wife would help save your marriage.............really?


:scratchhead::scratchhead: Do it expose!!!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He will dump your wife and destroy her fantasy "escape from real-life" dream. Expose.

If she hates you, it is her choice. A lot of me would rather be hated than made a fool. If anyone has reason to hate, it is you... And the other man's poor wife who has no clue her life in a big fat lie.

BTW, I don't know when your wife's distance began to grow vs. When you started to notice it. Don't discount the idea that your lack of help, care, love and support layed the ground for her vulnerability to an affair.

Men get blindsided when their wives walk-away without an affair (WAW) and when affair kicks in. If a woman's character did not include loose boundaries in general, you can be sure the man did not hear, believe or care enough to step up. Everyone has a breaking point.

This doesn't excuse an affair one iota. But if your intention is to reconcile, you will have to address this at some point.

But immediately, you must show her that you are a man of action who will move mountains to protect his family - those he loves. She is YOUR wife. Let that SOB know in no uncertain terms. 

She is YOUR wife. Let HER know in no uncertain terms.

A wife does not screw other men.
A wife does not wreck other families.
A wife does not disrespect her husband or her children.
And, a wife doesn't get to sit around your house "deciding" who she wants. She gets her butt kicked to the curb until she gets her head on straight.

Zero tolerance for her shenanegans. Turn off her phone. Be a man. 

She may get angry but that's what spoiled brats do when they don't get their way. 

Give her the tough love she requires. And respect YOURSELF enough to protect your family. 

Fail here and you lose it all... Including your sense of self. Don't let her take that from you by being a wussy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The other posters are correct.

File for D immediately and expose the A to all friends and family.

Find this POS's W and expose his worthless a** as well.

All she wants time for is to spin a story about how horrible you are to her friends and family so when the D comes they all blame you and think you're a monster.

You need to stand up for yourself and your family. 

She has destroyed your and your children's lives. Why should she be given any time to think about what she wants out of the situation?

What she wants went out the window when she betrayed you.

Start demanding the respect you deserve by filing D papers on her immediately.

And if you want a chance to fix your M, then you need to blow up the A. Exposing it to friends/family and to the BW of the POSOM is the best way to do this.

He will almost certainly throw your foolish WW under the bus to save his own a**.

You need to shake her up by showing her that her entire life is about to come crashing down around her. 

She is not going to be the one to determine how the M ends, you will.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

To reitterate the 'why' of exposing the affair...they have their fantasy land of snatched exciting moments, planning when the next will be, telling each other they love one another when all their time is spent on only wooing, courtship and shagging. All with the excitement of an illicit affair. This is NOT real life. 

This man is what she wants...give her the reality. That means, telling everyone who deserves to know and who needs to know i.e. your family (the reason why you are splitting up), her family for same reason, close friends for the same reason, and most importantly OM wife! She first and foremost deserves to know....and all great things will come from this act. The reality of what they are doing will hit them like a brick wall, and you just sit back and wait to see how the cards fall. She will then experience the shame and difficulty and reality of what she has done.

One of the main reasons for doing this when your wish is to R is to BREAK UP THE AFFAIR. 

Yeah your wife will be mad, so what! She has no leg to stand on being mad and you know it! Mad with you telling the truth? Give me a break!!! Why are you not mad as hell for her screwing around behind your back? 

His wife will certainly be mad. She will either make him end it or throw him out, if of course this is not an exit affair. Big possibility is that he will dump your wife to save his marriage. Affair ended. Other bonus is that her eyes are now firmly on him maintaining NC. And if her eyes are on him that helps eliminate risk on her side and all you have to do is concentrate your eyes on your wayward wife. 2 sets of eyes are better than 1 in ending the affair. She will be your ally! 

So, exposure brings reality to their stupid and totally destructive fantasy. This is an absolute must.

Also, bring as much reality to her as possible of what life after you will be like. Cut off financially, separate joint accounts, start talking childcare arrangements, see a lawyer, talk about how you will separate all your belongings, where she will live, and start putting it all into place. This will raise her panic to fever pitch and bring reality crashing around her pathetic and stupid life decisions she has made. 

Do it! See what happens. I guarantee she will fall apart. This IS THE ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE OF SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE. It may not work if she truly wants to leave you, with or without another man to jump ship with, but if you want any chance at all, this is it.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> I don't understand the reason behind exposing her and OM besides making her hate me. It is not like she would crawl back to me if i destroyed her relation with the other guy.
> He is married BTW and has two kids, but unfortunely i do not know anything about his wife.


Tell HR at their workplace and then tell the guys wife.then send him a text saying "since you like to f..k I figured I give you a fcking you will remember for a long time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear stigmatizer,

Here's something I sent another OP today but you may find it helpful:

Exposing a WS's affair is almost always a necessary step for reconciliation but does not guarantee it. The purpose of exposure is several fold:

- To bring the affair out into the open so that the WS feels pressure to end it;

- If the affair is ended, to ensure that as many people as possible are observing the WS's behavior to minimize the chance of him/her going back to his/her AP;

- To cause the WS to reevaluate his/her actions, thinking and feelings with the hope that he/she will become remorseful and willing to do what is necessary to reconcile with the BS;

- To protect the BS's reputation by avoiding other people drawing the wrong conclusions as to why the marriage is in trouble (i.e., blaming the BS);

- For retribution/revenge. Many people do not see this as a legitimate reason for exposure but others (IMO, the others being people who have a more realistic view of human psychological needs) think that this is a legitimate purpose of exposure, as it helps the BS feel that justice has been done (the need for the sense that life is just -- i.e., fair -- being a strong human need).

- To determine if the WS is genuinely remorseful and interested in reconciling with the BS. This, IMO, is the most important reason for exposure since the BS needs to make a decision, eventually, whether to try to reconcile with or divorce the WS.

Almost all WSs respond angrily to the BS exposing the affair. This is not hard to understand since none of us like it when our failings are publicized. Of course, this is a purely selfish reaction. What happens next is the key to the future of the marriage. If, after a short while, the WS comes to understand the reason for the BS exposing the affair and accepts the necessity for it, there is a chance that the marriage can be saved. If, on the other hand, the WS remains angry over the exposure, this is a very strong indication that the marriage cannot be saved and that divorce is the appropriate response.

Thus, you should not feel that you possibly made a mistake by exposing your WW's affair to her family. What you did was test her claims to wanting to try to fix her marriage and she appears to have failed the test.

At this point, I agree with the other posters that you should file for divorce ASAP. If I were you, I would not expect this to provoke any change in your WW's attitude other than possibly making her even more angry and spiteful. Be prepared for this. Among other things, get a VAR and keep it on you whenever you speak with your WW.

++++++++++

Please listen to what everybody is telling you. They know what they are talking about. My guess is that your WW is too far gone to save your marriage but who knows. At the very least, the sooner you start to give her consequences, the sooner you will know whether there is any hope or if divorce is the best option.

Whatever you do, don't agree to live the life of a cuckold. This will destroy you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Stig

You have received excellent advice from the brain trust here.

If you continue to not act you can kiss your family goodbye.

Hopefully you will realize that your only course of action is to aggressively kill her affair.

When you decide to do this do not tell your wife what you are going to do.

Treat her like the enemy she is right now. She is only thinking of herself.

HM64


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

You can give up on her 

But never on yourself or children

Expose Now


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

So....What about you. When do you get to be happy? Your life on earth was not meant to be all suffering Let her go and start a new life. There is happiness out there waiting for you.
Just my 2 cents David


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## stigmatizer (Aug 25, 2013)

thank you guys for your precious comments, among my concerns, is that i did cheat on her too before things went to the dumpster. I confessed to her but she did not care, she told me "i don't blame you, i haven't been a wife for you". She doesn't care because she doesn't love me. For this reason i have tolerated her affair and have not reacted agressively, other wise i would have double standards. The only differences between what i did and what she did was that i never lied to her (i willingly confessed), i never was with a married woman, and i never loved any woman but my wife, and i was hoping one day i will get caught and she will realize that her denying me sex is wrecking our marriage. I am not defending myself here, i know that what i did was wrong and i am ready to pay for my mistakes, i just need to know what is the fair way to handle this situation.
Concerning her hating me and start behaving like an enemy, my concern is mainly my child, divorce alone will be devestating to him, he does not need additional tenssion between his parents, or noticing that his grand parents despise his mother.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

stigmatizer said:


> thank you guys for your precious comments, among my concerns, is that i did cheat on her too before things went to the dumpster. I confessed to her but she did not care, she told me "i don't blame you, i haven't been a wife for you". She doesn't care because she doesn't love me. For this reason i have tolerated her affair and have not reacted agressively, other wise i would have double standards. The only differences between what i did and what she did was that i never lied to her (i willingly confessed), i never was with a married woman, and i never loved any woman but my wife, and i was hoping one day i will get caught and she will realize that her denying me sex is wrecking our marriage. I am not defending myself here, i know that what i did was wrong and i am ready to pay for my mistakes, i just need to know what is the fair way to handle this situation.
> Concerning her hating me and start behaving like an enemy, my concern is mainly my child, divorce alone will be devestating to him, he does not need additional tenssion between his parents, or noticing that his grand parents despise his mother.


So you delay the inevitable. If you don't want your son to see tension between the two of you, then just let your wife do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. And your M will be a shining example to your son of how a M is to be and you will continue to show your son how to live as a man. 

File for D, get it over with already. You don't have a M and your son deserves better then this charade.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

I find it amazing that the M has lasted this long especially as you now confess an A, but I think you would be wise to bring it to a head sooner rather than later as it could be her lining her ducks in a row and getting set to get rid of you from your sons life!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive another man. You expose to make their fantasy fall apart. They are stuck in lust phase but when other people know about it, it will start to look like the slimy, disgusting thing that it is: cheating. Then they will have to make a decision - tell everyone to go to hell, or give up the affair. And yes, she WILL 'crawl' back to you if you show some balls and fight this thing. Every instance where you say 'please honey, don't do this' just makes their affair more attractive and you LESS attractive.

Telling his wife is the first best way to get rid of him. Telling their HR department is the second best way, as he is her superior and she can sue him for sexual harassment, so he will be the one to get fired, most likely.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Stig

You expose to separate yourself from her infidelity, her bad choices.

You willingly confessed because deep down you knew you made a bad decision.

Your wife is not only hurting you, but herself and the OM's family.

So expose them.

Break the cycle and tell your wife to start acting like an adult.

HM


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do not let fear make decisions for you. That is not an attractive trait in a man. 

Take strong actions. Like letting OMW know. She has a right to know and a right to protect her health and family. 

You cannot reconcile with another man in your marriage. 

Is this the home life you want your children growing up in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

workindad said:


> Do not let fear make decisions for you. That is not an attractive trait in a man.
> 
> Take strong actions. Like letting OMW know. She has a right to know and a right to protect her health and family.
> 
> ...


Show your kid a strong father.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

stigmatizer said:


> thank you guys for your precious comments, among my concerns, is that i did cheat on her too before things went to the dumpster. I confessed to her but she did not care, she told me "i don't blame you, i haven't been a wife for you". She doesn't care because she doesn't love me. For this reason i have tolerated her affair and have not reacted agressively, other wise i would have double standards. The only differences between what i did and what she did was that i never lied to her (i willingly confessed), i never was with a married woman, and i never loved any woman but my wife, and i was hoping one day i will get caught and she will realize that her denying me sex is wrecking our marriage. I am not defending myself here, i know that what i did was wrong and i am ready to pay for my mistakes, i just need to know what is the fair way to handle this situation.
> Concerning her hating me and start behaving like an enemy, my concern is mainly my child, divorce alone will be devestating to him, he does not need additional tenssion between his parents, or noticing that his grand parents despise his mother.



you cheated too (first). well then.......hmmmmm
changes what I was planning to say here. I was going to recommend you divorce her, now I think she should divorce you 

Seriously, I often think that if both partners are cheating then they have twice as many reasons to divorce as they do if only one of them is. On the other hand this may set the stage for both sides to drop their defenses and have some honest communication on what the future holds, what can be salvaged.
You might consider MC, if things are not already OBE.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Your affair changes nothing in my mind. She chose to deny you sex then admitted she hasn't been a wife to you.

Listen to her words and take them to heart. This is done. It's finished. The only way to protect yourself and ensure that she doesn't start re-writing history is that you start letting people know that she cheated with her boss who is also married.

It's not about getting her back or making her hate you. She already hates you in my opinion.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Stigmatizer, I'm not one of the seasoned counselors here as I have only been here sense June of this year. I have received much needed help and wise counsel from many of the posters here. My seemingly doomed marriage has turned toward positive growth and a bright future thanks to the advice I have received and acted on from my TAM family.

I think another thing that helped me is my core belief that my sincere efforts toward the survival of my marriage was/is essential to my well being as a man; my self esteem and personal growth as an individual. Don't let regrets or mistakes you've made stop you from doing what's best for you and your family. Many of us made some of the same mistakes. You've got to be willing to accept that it may be too late...when I really began to let go and concentrate on my self improvement and taking care of myself, things "miraculously" started to turn around.

Don't stop loving your wife. Be confident, calm, patient, peaceful and friendly whenever you deal directly with her. You can only control your actions and you can handle whatever happens.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stigmatizer said:


> among my concerns, is that *i did cheat on her* too before things went to the dumpster. I confessed to her but she did not care, she told me "i don't blame you, i haven't been a wife for you".


OP, if you're still around;

If you had laid that one "little" detail on us at first it would have been helpful. You can't expect to get cogent advice when you don't tell the whole story.

That said, I would have given your wife the same advice that the other posters have given you. If she had handled your affair like she should have, you'd either be divorced and moving on with your life or you'd be in a better position to reconcile.

Now it's quite a mess. Never the less, just because she didn't handle your A right, doesn't mean you should screw up as well. The advice you've been given is still appropriate. The main difference is that you should have extra motivation to R with her, after what you did. But you still need to do it the right way.

Expose, do the 180, and start moving toward D. But, let her know that you are open to R if she ends the A first - and quits her job. That probably won't happen, but that's your only small chance to save your marriage - if she accepts those consequences.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am hoping that you will gather the courage to be an honorable human being, a person who sees beyond the advantage of his own situation. I am hoping that you will step out of your own focused misery enough to do the right thing for the OMW. Tell her what you know.

No man is an island, OP. You want to be a role model for your children? Stop acting helpless in this. You can do the right thing. You can tell her. It's basic humanity.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. I don't know why your hanging on to this marriage. There is nothing left of it. Yes you have a child and your the dad and you love your kid and will be there for them but you can do that as a single Father. Your marriage is a sham. You cheated. She cheated, obvious to me neither one of you have little or no respect for each other so all your doing is going through the motions and making each other miserable and she doesn't love you. How can you have a marriage when one spouse doesn't love the other? Why do you want to keep suffering? End it and move on. Sooner or later you'll meet someone who will return your love and that's a whole lot better than your getting now isn't it?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I don't often like to tell the details of what I did on here because of the shame I feel when I have to admit it, but in your case, I think my POV might help you.

I was an AP, and the affair that I was a part of was with my boss. His wife found out, they rug swept the affair, she told no one other than her IC, she allowed us to remain "friends" because I was so important to him. He had 2 children. Sound familiar? 

Because of the way things were handled, the affair went underground and continued on for more than a year after she originally found out. 

That is how you do not handle it. Your wife either doesn't love you, or she doesn't know how to. Either way, forcing her to be accountable for a situation that SHE caused is the only way that you will see any resolve in your situation, regardless of the direction.


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## stigmatizer (Aug 25, 2013)

i have been searching so hard online to find any contact details for the OMW but found nothing, i am positive if i start asking their work colleagues they will not give it me as they won't want to jeapordize their own careers, thay might even warn my WW (OM is the CEO of the company). Any suggestions?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

stigmatizer said:


> i have been searching so hard online to find any contact details for the OMW but found nothing, i am positive if i start asking their work colleagues they will not give it me as they won't want to jeapordize their own careers, thay might even warn my WW (OM is the CEO of the company). Any suggestions?


Hire a P.I. If it is a publicly held company it will be pretty easy to track down his spouse.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Agree... Should not be a problem.


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