# What is a ballpark estimate of how long affair fog lasts?



## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

I am farely new to the world of the BS and WW/H club. I was curious from all your experiences with dealing with spouses currently involved in their fog or ones where the fog has lifted. What is the min and max amount of time the fog lasts? I am not asking for any other reason, than to understand the fog better.:scratchhead:


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Don't know what the minimum is, but the maximum might be forever. My stbxw seems to have been permanently changed by her fog or MLC - whatever you choose to call it. It's been 5 years. She's 48. She's acting like an adolescent. 

I've given up waiting for the fog to lift.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Don't know what the minimum is, but the maximum might be forever. My stbxw seems to have been permanently changed by her fog or MLC - whatever you choose to call it. It's been 5 years. She's 48. She's acting like an adolescent.
> 
> I've given up waiting for the fog to lift.


Well I am sorry to hear that. I could not imagine being 48 and acting like a teenager again. However, I am 32 year woman, so who am i to judge? 

I thought the meaning of the affair fog is, "fantasy land, fairytale and not reality", so I guess i am confused by it lasting so long for her...


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Kaya62003 said:


> Well I am sorry to hear that. I could not imagine being 48 and acting like a teenager again. However, I am 32 year woman, so who am i to judge?
> 
> I thought the meaning of the affair fog is, "fantasy land, fairytale and not reality", so I guess i am confused by it lasting so long for her...


Yes, it is exactly "fantasy land, fairytale and not reality". That's why my 48 year old (49 in May) stbxw is club hopping with her toxic girlfriends (who are equally deluded) - trying to recapture their youth as well as land a man your age. It's pathetic.

When I think how long I was married to this woman and how she has turned out, it's just one big disappointing head scratch. We have two daughters btw, age 12 and 14. My teenager is more mature than my stbxw.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Yes, it is exactly "fantasy land, fairytale and not reality". That's why my 48 year old (49 in May) stbxw is club hopping with her toxic girlfriends (who are equally deluded) - trying to recapture their youth as well as land a man your age. It's pathetic.
> 
> When I think how long I was married to this woman and how she has turned out, it's just one big disappointing head scratch. We have two daughters btw, age 12 and 14. My teenager is more mature than my stbxw.


She is 48 bar hopping? I hope she is at least going to bars where she is meeting men, who are over 38...or maybe she is a cougar. Man I hope I never have a MLC and start dating men around my daughters age. How embarrassing that must be for your daughters...:scratchhead:


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Kaya62003 said:


> She is 48 bar hopping? I hope she is at least going to bars where she is meeting men, who are over 38...or maybe she is a cougar. Man I hope I never have a MLC and start dating men around my daughters age. How embarrassing that must be for your daughters...:scratchhead:


Yes, my stbxw and her friends fancy themselves as "cougars". And I have to admit - that my stbxw still looks good - so long as you don't know the scars beneath. Her friends are pretty gross though. The type of women who think they are much hotter than they are. The type who fancy themselves "modern, confident women" but are really quite insecure and weak. My stbxw used to be a strong confident woman in the truest sense - but she has regressed.

My stbxw's currently pursuing a demographic who were age 9 or 10 when we got married. Edit - they'r not bar hopping. They're club hopping. Trendy nightclubs. When I was mid 20's before getting married, my buddies and I used to look at women her age at the clubs and shake our heads.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My EX fog has been lasting 1.5 years... Some people see an end to it. Some never do. Mine, hard to say. She is likewise acting without any responsibility.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> My EX fog has been lasting 1.5 years... Some people see an end to it. Some never do. Mine, hard to say. She is likewise acting without any responsibility.


Didn't you say in a recent post, that you ex was trying to come back? And if I am remembering this correctly...how long did it take her to do that?

I also believe I remember you saying, that you have found someone new and more of a match for you? If so, I am very happy for you :smthumbup:


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My EX is not trying to come back. She is actually doing the neighbor to my right... Her affair that ended our marriage was the neighbor to my left... Trying to move ASAP

Yes I found a girl... Life is good... Just trying to minimize now. D pretty much financially destroyed me.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> My EX is not trying to come back. She is actually doing the neighbor to my right... Her affair that ended our marriage was the neighbor to my left... Trying to move ASAP
> 
> Yes I found a girl... Life is good... Just trying to minimize now. D pretty much financially destroyed me.


Well it sounds like you are doing well, despite being financially destroyed. I am in that same boat, so I can sympathize. However, that can be worked through. It takes time, I know but all and all, my sanity means more than my finances. But I am glad that you were able to pick yourself up, take care of your kids and find someone that deserves you as well as you deserving her...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Likewise. I see the way my EX looks at me. I see her at games for the kids. I know it actually bothers her that I don't look at her or pay one bit of attention to her. If I am talking to someone she will feel the need to talk to them too, so I just walk away and move along. I really don't care about her any more and I think that really hurts her.

I just saw her tonight at sons' soccer game. I won't look at her or my neighbor. I'd probably just smash my neighbor and I don't need the legal trouble so I just move along and love my kids.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Some BH's mistake 'fog' for 'moved on and not coming back', or 'changed their life forever'. This is not 'fog', this is the new reality. Their XS are not crazy, they have permanently changed or are addressing their new realities in what they see as a rational manner.

I only had an EA, but it took me about 3-4 months to stop desperately fighting the urge to contact my friend. I would assume sex would make that more, not less intense. But what do I know?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

JCD is right... The fog is like a chemical change... Some people are changed forever, some see how they have changed and try to reverse it. Everyone is different... But the characteristics of the 'fog' are similar in all WS.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Maybe my STBXH fog, is moved on and not coming back. I just read more WH/W admit to thinking it was their "soulmate" and then coming to and realizing they made a HUGE mistake. I believe my STBXWH, is in a fog, because he is messing with a married woman who has yet to leave her husband (at least as far as I know), that they both work with. So to me that seems you are not in reality. But what do I know. Plus he texts me a lot still, offered to fix my car and has been extremely nice to me lately. But again, I have no idea what is up his sleeve or what is going on in his life, because I do not ask and when we do talk, I am very civil, cold and business like. If he wants to see me in person, I make excuses why i cannot, I take his mail to his mothers home and any stuff I find of his at my home. But I have chosen the high road, just want out of the marriage and no drama from him. Seeing he can be vindicative.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The "fog" produces changes that can be temporary or can be permanent. It depends upon the person. But it IS the "fog" which initiates the change. 

In my stbxw's case, she is rational enough to realize that she is making bad choices, but is incapable of changing back. She seems to be seeking a constant state of limerence. She's messing up with her own daughters. Her older friends are being supportive but are as much in the dark as I am. She's doing things that are affecting her own job - which if it continues could mean her future financial security is at risk. It may appear rational but is, at the root - irrational behaviour. A part of me is still concerned (after all, I've known her for over half my life and she IS the mother of our daughters) - but I find myself more and more like a third party observer of a slow train wreck - powerless to do anything to affect the outcome.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think the fog will last forever if there is no exposure. That seems to be the only way to partially clear the fog and get the fence sitting to end for the WS in a long or short term A. Its the only way a serial WS might get defogged. 

Other than that, a D or serious threat of one is the utimate defogging, which removes the BS from the picture, forcing the blissful players to face each other - minus the fantasy world they created and into the realistic misery of their poor characters. 

The fog = WSs Lust colored sunglasses; APs lust colored sunglasses; BSs paper sunglasses


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Sometimes it's not a fog.

Sometimes it's real.

Sometimes the cheater isn't "permanently changed", they're the same person they always were. 

Sometimes a cheater simply decides they like someone else better and/or they fall in love with that other person but they forget that they're supposed to end the first relationship before they move on to the next one.

It's probably fair to say that if it's been say, I don't know, a couple of years and they're off having fun with their affair partner it's time to assume they're not coming back.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

True lanieb and sharkeey. But the odds are still stacked against them though 1-3 out of 100.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

A buddy of mine said his WW took 12 years to finally come back. She was CRAZY, clinically. 

He took her back. He then told me it was the worst mistake he could have ever made. He had a good woman that he let go and he has paid for it ever since.


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