# how to make myself trust her again



## confused22 (Jun 9, 2010)

To give a little back story. My g/f and I have been dating for just over two years. Shes 25 and Im 22. It wasnt love at first site for me but that quickly changed. things were great for the first year, until we decided to get our own place. Now i had been living at her place for about 6 months prior. So living together wasnt a big change. Shortly after we moved in things began to go sour. Little things were suddenly so important. long story short communication broke down. we have had the arguments and we would say this is the last time cause we cant deal with the heart ache. well that has gone on for almost a year. I tell her i love her and she says the same. about a month ago i noticed she was texting someone obsessively. way more then normal. i asked her repeatedly for days who it was and she told me her best friend Diana. now im no dummy but that girl doesnt text that much. it was wrong of me but i went through her emails. she went on craigslist in the personals and started talking to another guy. the first email clearly said she had a boyfriend and was just looking for a friend. i thought i had nothing to worry about. i tried to go through her phone but she had locked it. i went online to the account and noticed 745 messages in two days. along with 90 minute phone calls, when she said she was still working but got out early. this went on for 5 days. i finally hacked her phone and read a few messages.

the first few was normal hi and so on. by the 10th message she was talking bad about me. somewhere in the middle of the list they were discussing drugs and sexual things they enjoy, also how sexy his tattoos were. the last message was good night sexy. by this time i was so angry i couldnt read anymore.

what makes this worse is she has never lied to me. not once through the entire relationship. she is a very honest person.

i confronted her and told her, me or him. i told her i would gladly go if she would like someone else but dont play me like that. it took about an hour of me packing my stuff for her to ask me to stay. i told her to stop talking to him. she refused. it took another hour after that for her to finally text him and say they couldnt talk. 

at the end of the night i checked the account again and she had called him 30 mins after she send that msg. talked to him for 20 mins. when i asked she said a text msg wasnt right and she had to explain. i said i understand. as we were working things out. she tells me that she had planned on going to the beach the following morning to watch the sunrise. she mention he would have met her up there. would of been first time they would be meeting in person.

after all things said. she went to the movies with diana. and then preceded to still go to the beach without me. i later find out she took diana's phone. two days ago which makes it almost a full month. i explain that i still had questions regarding how far their relationship went. i asked to please tell me what was said in the rest of the msgs. she refused. i asked if they discussed sex, she said yes. i asked if they talked about having sex with each other, she said yes in the future. she denies talking to him on diana's phone saying she didnt know she had it. i asked if she had sent pictures to him, she said yes this time. the first time i confronted her she said no. but said nothing without cloths. i seen the pictures. it was her in a towel just getting out of the shower.

so basically i still have questions and thoughts. she completely refuses to talk about it. saying the past is the past. i know our relationship wasnt the best and i dont blame her for talking to another guy. im just mad she lied. things have been great since she stopped talking to him. how can i get these thoughts of mistrust out and get our relationship back together? should i trust her fully again? is it normal to still mistrust and doubt what she tells me? i still love her but im afraid she doesnt love me as strongly as she use to. any advise will help.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You should not trust her just because she thinks you should accept such a hollow reason such as "past is past."

Trust is earned. She was cheating. Not sure if it was physical but it sure was at the very least zooming in on it being so.

She has some work to do WITH you to get past this and move forward or just part.

What she was doing is not the choices of a woman in love with her guy.

If I were you my radar would be up because she is so insistent that you not pursue information about her activities.

I don't think she is done, but in deeper cover.


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## confused22 (Jun 9, 2010)

thanks for the response. i have been monitoring her phone and checking the places she says she is. all is good so far. but im still afraid there was more then simple text messaging that was going on. physical or not. is it wrong to want to know exactly what happened?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No, it is not wrong. It is a reasonable thing to want to know the truth of your life.

If she will not provide it she cannot be trusted since she will be demonstrating additional disrespect of your relationship.

She could be fearful about your reaction, sure.

However, her deception should speak volumes to you about her focus in life.

In one respect you should be glad. You are not married and you have no children. Easy to walk away. I don't think she really is a keeper.

Why? because she insists on protecting her secretive behavior despite your need for the truth.


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## confused22 (Jun 9, 2010)

thanks for that. i agree. there should be no secrets if she really wants things to get better and continue. im so in love with her that i have no problem forgiving her. i just want her to be open and honest, so that i can put these thoughts to rest. i have thought about marriage with her so many times. if we can actually get this problem out of the way i would honestly ask her to marry me. things are getting back the way they were when we first started dating. its great. hopefully we can talk this out and make things better.

if anyone else has any advice please share. it all helps.


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## Rah (Jun 19, 2010)

Confused, its time for a little tough love. First of all, why would you want to trust her again? Life throws you an inside tip on the mentality of this young lady and still you want to invest your heart in her?:scratchhead:

You are so deep in love that you are thinking irrationally. She is telling you by her actions that she is a liar, she is selfish and that she is actively seeking other males. DO NOT build a relationship on this foundation. This wasn't an aberration, it is who she is.

DO NOT try to change her or hope to love her through to being a good woman. You will fail.

She tried you with all these other guys and you failed the test. You were supposed to leave her. You didn't. Now respect is lost, never to be recovered again.

Please love yourself enough to get away from her. 

Find someone else and start new.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi confused.

You can't "get out of her phone, her email and her internet accounts" if you still want to make it work. What if it carries on, and she's just more careful now?

Until the trust comes back, you have to keep tabs on her. She has given you no choice. Gradually the trust will come back as you work on the relationship and spend [quality] time together. It takes ages, years even.

It's a big commitment from you, to stay with the person who has hurt you.

Tough love really is the right way of putting it. You correctly gave her an ultimatum which you must now live by. Lying is not conducive of a healthy trusting relationship.

Be strong and confident in your actions.

All the best.


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