# since this site is anonymous...



## HMTX (Aug 20, 2015)

I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

say so, BEFORE 'wanting out', and try to fix it


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OR a third scenario is that you are not actively looking but you slowly find someone else, start a EA and possibly move to a PA. If you make the conscious decision to keep your eyes out for someone better, you need to discuss with wife first, then fix or end marriage. You should not treat your wife as Plan B.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

HMTX said:


> I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


try too fix it...but I can't fix her. so just try to get through the day, until hopefully the pressure is off, the bills/mortgage/ILs are gone and better times will come about when we can get together to work things out (but often she don't want to help...and since I _want_ this to work, I want the dreams we had when we started, I want to love her still, I drag on playing for time and enduring)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just stick it out. A promise is a promise.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you are that unhappy and don't want to try to recover the marriage, then tell your wife you want a divorce. Don't be on the look out for potential partners while you remain married. That is called "cheating" and makes you a real b*stard.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

If I felt a disconnect such as what you have suggested, I would do everything I could to save the marriage. MC, IC, a pastor, anyone who may be able to help. I would try communication, be vulnerable about our relationship in the hopes my wife will return that same vulnerability. If it becomes decided the marriage will not work then file for divorce amicably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

HMTX said:


> I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


*I am probably in the minority but I would confront my W first and foremost! But under no circumstances would I go fooling around on her!

I honestly believe that I could never ever bring myself to cheat on my W, or for that matter, any woman that I was actively in a committed relationship with!

I have zero respect for unrepentant, calculating cheaters, as you'll find that most people here at TAM do!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I said I was unhappy, suggested (and did MC), had endless discussions (and arguments), and since nothing changed, I left. Soon AFTER that I started dating and easily found many women who would have made better partners - and one who actually is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Before doing ANYTHING, I would read the book His Needs Her Needs so that I can take an objective look at my marriage. I'd bet 90% of people who go around saying they're unhappy or assuming it's too broken to fix are simply IGNORANT to what it takes to have a fulfilling marriage; HNHN will relieve you of that ignorance so that you can then assess whether it is in fact broken.

In fact, any person I run into who refuses to read that book and THEN says he or she has already 'tried everything' and 'must' divorce, I call them out on it because they are lying and, most likely, have a hidden agenda (i.e. already have someone else in mind).


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I would voice my issues. 

I would voice them again

I would voice them again

If nothing happened -i would bounce


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## Noc (Dec 31, 2015)

I would like to say that I would try my best to address and fix things. If that failed, I would leave before seeking someone else. 
I'm pretty sure of it, but that's probably what most people would think of themselves.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

I smell a research paper!!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

HMTX said:


> I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


If you want out file for divorce. Carrying on as normal without expressing or trying to invoke change is deceitful. Why anyone thinks "hanging around" till something better comes along as a solution is beyond me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

An additional downside to waiting until you "find someone better" is that even if you think you have, they may have nothing to do with you since you're still married. How sad to find someone who could be the love of your life, only to lose her because she has ethics!


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Relationships fail the minute the energy of intent is diverted, not when a judge allows the marriage to be dissolved.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Not sure why this is just for men????

I cheated on my first spouse, I am not proud of it. I was so miserable, dealing with undiagnosed post partum depression, and my husband had truly abandoned me. 

BUT before I cheated I begged my husband to start counseling, I told him I was unhappy, I truly was fully vulnerable. I even told him I was vulnerable for an affair and we needed to fix this before something happened, and that point I hadn't even met the OM. 

And even after trying my best to get his attention I am not justified in cheating or looking, but I did it and I did it cause I was done and just too weak to leave. I needed to truly break our marriage in order to justify ending it. Sounds stupid now, I should have just left. I just knew I would stay miserable forever, I am that type of person that would stay unhappy for life.

There is never a good excuse for staying with a person you are not happy without telling them. Not saying you need to fix it but you need to be honest. Heck for all you know the wife doesn't want to be with the husband either and you both are just as miserable.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HMTX said:


> I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so...


Yes.



HMTX said:


> ...OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

For me cheating is not an option. I have been thru 15 years of indifference, but I stuck by my convictions, and it is starting to payoff. I don't believe in divorce with the exception of infidelity, but that just my beliefs. I don't expect everyone should feel the same way. It's just the way I'm configured.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

For any spouse in that ditch, I'd recommend:
First, take a hard look at yourself, and work to shore up your weak areas. Get in shape, improve yourself. Become more awesome than you were when you fell in love. 

Then confront your spouse with how you feel, and why you're unhappy. They may step up and work on themselves. If not, you may have to give an ultimatum. 

But, if the issues aren't really that serious, like an A or a sexless marriage, (both are betrayal) then I'd suck suck it up. Not ok to D, and never ok to have an A.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

No, the best relationships come from a place of trust, respect and communication. I've I was unhappy about something in the relationship I would voice it. 

Once voiced we would talk about it and figure out how to resolve. If she was unwilling to resolve it in a manner I could live with, then I would set a consequence. That consequence would depend on how serious my unhappiness was. If I was unhappy enough, it would mean divorce. 

But no, I wouldn't cheat. Looking for something better is a fallacy. You are chasing a dream. If you want something better, you need to create it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

HMTX said:


> I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


Reason only dictates one path. One very simple path.

Call out the issue, own it, and try to make it work.

If either of you can't, or don't want to, dissolve the marriage as amicably as possible.

Then start anew with your head held high. Rather than an affair which demonstrates to the whole world and your kids your lack of integrity, leading to a nasty divorce, and you most likely being dump city by the affair chick.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

I don't think anyone should stay in an unhealthy marriage promise or not.

The divorce rate is high, all of those people in 2nd and 3rd marriages aren't all that bad.

Don't feel you have to stay with someone if you are unhappy. 

They say life is too short to be alone...it's too short to be with someone that makes you unhappy.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

In my first marriage, the first 7 years were good, very good. That was before kids. 2 kids and 15 years into the marriage, life was hell. My wife had turned from a loving, very fun woman, my best friend, into a mean, nasty, cold woman. No laughter, no joy, no sex. Nothing. Even then, I never thought about leaving, if just for the kids. Never even entertained an affair, although I had the opportunity. That was my life until I found out she was having an affair and had had several affairs previously. We divorced and I moved on 2 years later to wife #2. My marriage started out good, although blending a family was tough. But 3 years into it she had an affair also. We divorced. I never cheated on either wife. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me to make my wives cheat. I always felt I was a pretty solid, hard working man. Not overly romantic, but good looking and fun to be with. And always very faithful.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

HMTX said:


> I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


You realize that 99% will say _*I would say so*_ but statistics prove that completely wrong. Personally I think it's more common for unhappy women to stick around until something better happens along and it's more common for men to just stick around and complain about things.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If I couldn't convince my wife to help fix the problem I would try to stick it out. Having been in that situation though, I can say that even with the best of intentions it is easy to find yourself starting to fall for someone else.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

HMTX said:


> I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


15 years ago I would have said the only answer is to tell your partner that you aren't happy and if things don't change to leave. Cheating is always wrong.

Now that I am in my early 50s I think a bit differently. Getting close to being able to retire. Not as good looking as I once was (balding, grey hair, not as muscular). Would hate to give up half of everything I own this late in life. Only to find out I can't attract a new partner that is any better than the one I have. Would rather just stay in a cold,sexless marriage and do my own thing.

So in the last 6 months I have started looking. Browsing personal sites to see what is out there. I have never cheated. But if the right person came around, I could easily see myself leaving the marriage.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

We live in a disposable society. If it's broken don't bother trying to fix it, just throw it away & get a new one! I think that's all very sad.

So many people wallow in their misery, focusing on & building resentment. If they put all of that energy into actually, honestly communicating & working to improve things there would be many happier marriages.

I was watching a YouTube lecture on this subject & she (sorry can't remember her name!) said, "People used to divorce to escape a very unhappy marriage. Now they divorce hoping to find a happier marriage". I couldn't agree more.

I don't know what your problems are or if this is a 'just out of interest' post. 

NEVER be on the lookout for 'something better'. Infidelity is the ultimate cruelty. I've experienced the agony & I can truly say I couldn't do it to someone, even if I HATED them.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

ClairesDad said:


> In my first marriage, the first 7 years were good, very good. That was before kids. 2 kids and 15 years into the marriage, life was hell. My wife had turned from a loving, very fun woman, my best friend, into a mean, nasty, cold woman. No laughter, no joy, no sex. Nothing. Even then, I never thought about leaving, if just for the kids. Never even entertained an affair, although I had the opportunity. That was my life until I found out she was having an affair and had had several affairs previously. We divorced and I moved on 2 years later to wife #2. My marriage started out good, although blending a family was tough. But 3 years into it she had an affair also. We divorced. I never cheated on either wife. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me to make my wives cheat. I always felt I was a pretty solid, hard working man. Not overly romantic, but good looking and fun to be with. And always very faithful.


The only thing wrong with you, as far as I can ascertain from this post, is that you keep picking the wrong women. 

Women with ethics and integrity (who are also fun to be with) are out there. I promise.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> 15 years ago I would have said the only answer is to tell your partner that you aren't happy and if things don't change to leave. Cheating is always wrong.
> 
> Now that I am in my early 50s I think a bit differently. Getting close to being able to retire. Not as good looking as I once was (balding, grey hair, not as muscular). Would hate to give up half of everything I own this late in life. Only to find out I can't attract a new partner that is any better than the one I have. Would rather just stay in a cold,sexless marriage and do my own thing.
> 
> So in the last 6 months I have started looking. Browsing personal sites to see what is out there. I have never cheated. But if the right person came around, I could easily see myself leaving the marriage.


Your gonna lose half if you find someone so why not cut your losses now?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

honcho said:


> Your gonna lose half if you find someone so why not cut your losses now?


Did u notice you said IF?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

HMTX said:


> I am asking the men, if you were unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage (with kids), and wanted out, would you just say so OR would you continue to carry on as normal but keep your eyes open for someone or something better?


Why would a man respond any differently than a woman? In theory he shouldn't. 

Do you have a problem with women, and that is why you only want men's responses? Could your problem with women have anything to do with why you are unhappy in your marriage? If the answer is "yes" then you need to work on yourself, because you won't be happy with the next woman either.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> The only thing wrong with you, as far as I can ascertain from this post, is that you keep picking the wrong women.
> 
> Women with ethics and integrity (who are also fun to be with) are out there. I promise.



You pretty much nailed it. I haven't made the best decisions on picking women. Might be having a little Karma, if you believe that sort of thing, visited upon me for the way I treated two previous girlfriends in my younger years. I pretty much dumped badly my German girlfriend of 2 years who I dated while I was in the Army, and my longtime college girlfriend. Both have been happily married for years afterwards.


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