# Would appreciate advice on re-kindling love



## bands (Jan 8, 2013)

Hi to all,

The internet seems to be littered with advice but generally seems to lead to someone wanting to sell their book etc, so my search for genuine advice has led me here.

My wife and I have been married for just over four years and last month, on her 30th birthday, she told me that she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. During the conversation that followed, I asked her if she was sure there was nothing that I/We could do and she agreed to stay to see if we could work things out.
We have both always been faithful to each other, we've been great friends, respectful of one another, very loving and affectionate etc, BUT, two years ago she had the idea of us starting a business that we could work together thereby enabling us to spend much more time together. I loved the idea, but in order to make that dream a reality, she continued working a regular job to keep an income coming in and I concentrated on making it happen. 

I have worked literally day and night for the last two years, without a single day off to build the business up to where it can be successful enough for her to be able to quit her job, and I have also done everything in terms of running the household - the chores, the shopping, cooking, making sure the bills were paid on time etc. This huge workload and the stresses and pressures involved has obviously reduced the amount of time, attention and affection that I have been able to spend on my wife and it's this and it's ripple effects that has led her to feeling like she wants out of our marriage. 

I feel terrible for the way I have made her feel, it was the last thing I would ever have wanted as i've only been pushing myself so hard to get it done as quickly as possible to be able to give her the life she wanted. 

I have tried as much as possible to see things from her point of view and I fully admit that I should have done things differently and tried to find a better balance. She even tried to tell me a few times that it was affecting her and us in a potentially bad way and though I tried to cut back on the work, there was so much to do that I slipped back into doing more again each time and that has made her feel like I just ignored her, but she doesn't really understand the sheer amount of work involved (the business is internet based and open 24/7). This last year the business has grown over 500% in sales, that doesn't happen without putting the work in and I am now so close to being able to offer her the option to quit the job that I know she hates doing and that i've so appreciated her for doing because I thought we were working together towards a common goal. 

I can't change what has happened, as much as I wish I could, but I now fully realize where i've gone wrong and i'm totally committed to changing the way i've been doing things and to showing my wife all of the attention and affection she deserves and that I would have shown her had I not been so wrapped up in work. BUT, she is now so confused about how she feels. She's understandably angry, upset, disappointed, unsure of whether she can trust me to keep up any changes I make for the better. 

I've tried to give her space and time to work things out for herself and been available and open to talk with her whenever she's been willing to, to try and help her and us. Nothing has changed in terms of the way I feel about her, I love her and desire her in the same deeply passionate forever kind of way that I always have, but of course everything has changed in terms of how she feels about me. She said last night that she would prefer for us to stay together and re-kindle things but that she's not sure if that is even possible, she doesn't know how. I don't want to fool myself into thinking there's hope, but doesn't that sound hopeful? It seems to me that if we can find a way that has a genuine chance of working, she'll take it and I know that she'll give it the best shot she can. I've tried to make things as easy as possible for her and i've told her that I just want her to be happy and to help her work out what she wants, whatever that may be and if it turns out that she decides she doesn't want to be with me anymore, then I won't ask her to stay again or stand in her way (as much as it killed me to say that to her).

I'm a pretty intelligent person and I think I have a fair idea of basic things we can do to help build back the intimacy, connection etc, like for instance, date nights, time away together, doing fun things together, hugging, kissing, holding hands etc, but I would so appreciate any serious suggestions and helpful advice from couples who have been through this kind of thing. I feel like, as bad as things have been and are, we have a real opportunity to rebuild our relationship better and stronger and happier than it ever was before even at it's best. 
Anyway, I/We welcome your comments and thanks so much for taking the time to read this.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"She said last night that she would prefer for us to stay together and re-kindle things but that she's not sure if that is even possible, she doesn't know how."

There is hope!

MC, Marriage Workshops, Marriage Books, get her involved in any and all decisions about making the marriage work.

People are centered! Which are you? Self Centered, Work Centered, Marriage Centered......?

I think we all know which. Time to become Marriage Centered.


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