# Committed Relationships, love and desire



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I just watched this TED Talk (to me they're real hit or miss) but I think this woman makes some important points about desire in committed relationships. It's about 20 minutes long but worth a watch. 

The Secret to Desire in a Long-term Relationship


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

So in summary what is the secret?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Personal said:


> So in summary what is the secret?


Basically people have the expectation that a committed loving relationship should equal great sex when in reality a good committed relationships and sexual desires are different, often conflicting responses. She talks about the difference and how to satisfy both...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My interpretation for the summary @Personal is different. It's about desire needing space, erotic intelligence is cultivated, connection to one's own experience and vibrancy, and the ability to remain connected to one's self while in the presence of another, that foreplay extends beyond the commencement of sex, and there's intention, focus, and presence.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I just watched this TED Talk (to me they're real hit or miss) but I think this woman makes some important points about desire in committed relationships. It's about 20 minutes long but worth a watch.
> 
> The Secret to Desire in a Long-term Relationship


That was a great listen, thank you for sharing. 

I like the points she made about keeping some mystery and space, so hard to do in a committed relationship. Maybe that's where the "having a life of one's own" comes in, to separate "Church and State" so to speak. I loved her point of learning to see old places with new eyes, for a new experience. 

It made me think that is something people who stray are unable/unwilling to do, and instead chase the new relationship excitement. It's funny to see a different context for the proverbial "lazy lover" who won't try a different perspective, but still bridles and rejects the known for some strange.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I really like that talk. She is describing why I say "I am not responsible for someone not wanting to have sex with me. I am responsible for creating an environment conducive to sex, but I cannot make her be present and willing to partake". I like her noting that there are so many ways we turn ourselves off that we have to own.

I also like the point that you have to be intentional about sex. It's too important to be left to the whims of one's libido. You hear about men that only want sex if his partner is lusting for him, and about women who will not do it if they don't have actual physical desire, and their relationships are failing while they are blind to being their own worst enemies.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

read her book "Mating in Captivity". My wife and I are ready it together and discussing it.


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