# Resentment is growing



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I really hate large groups of people, especially at "Parties." Always have, always will. My wife knows this. Even with this, when she has something to do with her job, I go, because it is important to her.

Last Saturday, we went to a BBQ sponsored by a law firm that her company uses. I didn’t enjoy it, but it was her thing, so I didn’t say anything. Just went.

This coming Saturday, we are to go to a Black Tie event. It is to raise money for a charity. The thing is, the expensive table is paid for by her company. Therefore, our going doesn’t contribute anything to the charity. 

The thing is, I have to get a Tux. I am to try it on this afternoon, in case it needs adjusted. I should have said something up front, but didn’t. We have three checking accounts, hers, mine and ours. It was assumed, I would cover the cost of the rental.

Where the resentment comes in, and as I said earlier I should have said something to her beforehand, is that I am attending something I don’t want to. I don’t like large groups of people. I totally see this as being a $213.00 dinner.

Not looking for advice, just venting.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

You should divorce her.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

For many other reasons, I agree


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I imagine she needs to do these things because of her job. Lots of jobs expect people to attend certain events even though many people don't want to go to them and it's _technically _not a requirement (although it is if you want to remain in good standing with your company).

Do you accept that and understand that she isn't purposely forcing you to do things you don't want to do, but needs to force you to do them because of her job? Or do you think she's forcing you to do these things because she secretly wants to torment you? :scratchhead:

I suppose she won't go alone? She might have a better time without you there if you're just going to be miserable.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Go ahead and vent. I hate big parties too. I prefer small intimate gatherings. 

My BIL and SIL used to have huge Halloween parties every year and I would dread going.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I know you are not looking for advice, but I will give you one anyways (since I feel that you need it).

In your marriage there will be COUNTLESS times when you SHOULD do thing you don't want to do WITH your wife. 

ANYTHING that she likes/enjoys you need to be supportive of and do.

Same goes for her though, it goes both ways.

personally, I don't think it's that big of a deal what she is asking you. Rather than be negative, how about you be positive about it and embrace it.

Not a fan of people/large groups either as I enjoy peace and quiet. BUT I also know that "stepping outside of your box" and doing different/random things is also good and healthy for you.

Go there FOR YOUR WIFE.



dormant said:


> For many other reasons, I agree


My advice above does not take your statement or previous posts into consideration.

But if you have a crappy wife and she does not do things that she might dislike with you. ......it's pretty simple, tell her you are not going.

Done


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

norajane said:


> I imagine she needs to do these things because of her job. Lots of jobs expect people to attend certain events even though many people don't want to go to them and it's _technically _not a requirement (although it is if you want to remain in good standing with your company).


It's more of a point, that I think she should foot the cost of the Tux.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

I hate large parties, too, Dormant, and I have learned to just say No.

Next time your wife asks you to attend one, tell her that you do not enjoy these gatherings, and she will have a better time without you watching the clock until you can make your exit.

She will probably grouse, but ultimately she will respect you for stating your feelings and following through with actions.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dormant said:


> It's more of a point, that I think she should foot the cost of the Tux.


Then tell her that hadn't realized it would be so expensive to rent a tux, and that you would like her to cover the cost or split the charge.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

dormant said:


> It's more of a point, that I think she should foot the cost of the Tux.


And do you talk to her about how you feel?

Personally, if my SO and I had a function to go to, I would expect us each to pay our own way, in a situation like you describe. If you feel strongly about not going (or not paying), then don't go. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I loathe big gatherings and the cost of my going to them with my now-ex husband was that I got a spectacular outfit each time. That he paid for. So, yes, you should not be paying for it.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I did buy her an evening dress for her birthday for this occasion. I'm not complaining about that as I wanted to get it for her.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

solution: eat $213 worth of hor d'oeuvres. That tux will have pockets...use them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That was a gift. This is something you don't want to do and she does. Does she expect you to pay for the tux and if she does, why -- I assume she knows you don't like these things.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

dormant said:


> I did buy her an evening dress for her birthday for this occasion. I'm not complaining about that as I wanted to get it for her.


What you chose to buy her for a birthday present isn't really the point, IMHO. You could have bought her something totally unrelated. Or you could ask for a tux for your birthday. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you tried actually telling her how you feel about these events? Maybe she has no idea you feel this way, and passive aggressivenes is quite unattractive. Maybe you can reach a compromise.

FYI, if this happened to me I'd flat out ask my husband if he was buying me a dress if I go. We too have separate accounts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I tend to avoid confrontation. Therefore we don’t really talk about important things.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

dormant said:


> I tend to avoid confrontation. Therefore we don’t really talk about important things.


Well I'd ask if you are my hb but we don't have such events. Listen, my hb avoids confrontation as well so I'm going to speak for your wife. Speak. Up. Now. It's maddening to deal with someone who won't speak up and then walks around p!ssed off because their feelings aren't considered, except nobody knows what they are because they Won't. Speak. Up. .seriously, it's not fair. Have a nice talk where you tell her you don't care for these things and would like to work out a compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

She does know I don't like these things.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

And... When my place of work plans something like that (which is seldom) I mostly don't mention it to my wife. I hate these events.

I briefly mentioned above there are many reasons we don't work well together. We are to a point where we never touch eachother. The only thing we do is a light kiss at bedtime and when I leave for work in the morning. That is it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well you have much bigger problems then but based on my experience with my hb I'd invite you to consider how much of your problems stem from the fact that you don't speak up. My hb will keep silent and then make snarky comments which I find childish and unattractive. I can easily see this causing bigger problems. I'm sure your wife has faults but you only control you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

dormant said:


> I tend to avoid confrontation. Therefore we don’t really talk about important things.


HUGE issue that you need to address/take on RIGHT AWAY.

Also, you should create an environment where it doesn't feel like a "confrontation", healthy place where 2 adults talk.

Overall, you should never EVER feel that there is anything you can't talk to your loved one about. Seriously.

Avoiding issues is almost always making them worse......deal with it, or it will explode in your face 10 fold.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

We have tried MC in the past and we are both in IC now. I don't see it getting any better.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

dormant said:


> We have tried MC in the past and we are both in IC now. I don't see it getting any better.


I would suggest you continue to be the best husband you can be while you are still married. 

I know it's hard, but just do your best and hope that things change (be positive) until divorce/the end.

2 wrongs don't make a right and lowering yourself to her standards will only do more damage than good.

best advice I can give you


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the comments. I'm outta here for today. (I only access this site from work) I'll be back on tomorrow.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

I never could get the her's, mine, our's money in a marriage. If she were kidnapped would you only use her money and half of "ours" to pay the ransom?

Marriage should be a true partnership at all levels and instances. Anything less is just a convenience.

Just sayin',

Seasalt


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sounds like there are more issues than just the group events going on.

You mentioned that communication and even some basic intimacy is not there in your marriage - this could be part of the downward spiral you are experiencing.

Maybe you need to take some time to really reflect on what you want from a marriage and life partner and see if your wife can provide/be that for you.

Give yourself a good honest look at well and see what you need to do be be the partner in the marriage you are wanting.

Good luck.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

ReidWright said:


> solution: drink $213 worth of booze. That tux will have pockets...use them.


Slightly altered to be my suggestion. If this means having to take a taxi, good, she or her stupid company can pay for it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her job is helping to support the family. Your going to the event is supporting her in helping to support the family. Therefore, pay for the tux out of the 'ours' account.

As for avoiding confrontation, what are you afraid of? She isn't an ax murderer is she?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dormant said:


> I tend to avoid confrontation. Therefore we don’t really talk about important things.


Well, then, what do you expect? She doesn't know how miserable you are being her arm candy, she doesn't know you resent having to pay for the tux, she doesn't know you resent your life with her...

Why is this HER fault?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

The closer I get to Saturday night, the more I regret my sucide attempt didn't work on the 11th of June....Or the 4th of March 2014 or the 3rd of March 2013....


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

dormant said:


> The closer I get to Saturday night, the more I regret my sucide attempt didn't work on the 11th of June....Or the 4th of March 2014 or the 3rd of March 2013....


Um, I mean absolutely no offence, but is this exaggeration or hyperbole or tongue-in-cheek?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Not an exaggeration at all. I have tried many times of the past 20 years. Except for the last three, I stopped the process myself. The last three just didn't work. I know I will eventually get it right.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

As to the topic at hand, my wife also enjoys large gatherings, which I in turn don't like due to anxiety issues.

What I've found, though, is that compromise in this area does wonders for our marriage. I don't go to every single event, and my wife is OK with that, but when I do go (and don't act like a surly, unwilling child), she's so happy and so thankful that I went and she ends up having so much fun that it really is a delight for me, even if the overarching event itself I find unpleasant. And usually once I stop acting like a curmudgeon, I end up having a good time myself.

As a huge bonus (reward?), she's usually so blissful at the end of the evening at me having made the sacrifice of going that we end up having that more "intimate" kind of gathering.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

There is no imtimacy in our marriage. Hasn't been for probably 13 of the 15 years we've been married.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Do you like her paycheck? Do you like her contribution to the household finances?

Or would you rather that she not work or be a cashier at Walmart where she can go home every night (and do not pass big expensive black tie dinner)?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> (and do not pass big expensive black tie dinner)?


Huh?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> You should divorce her.


 :rofl::rofl::rofl:

Wait on second thought....

yeah my wife has business events that I should go to from time to time. And they can get expensive. But a tux...you should buy and just keep to have around. You do not need to buy and expensive one if you do not want...but it will fit better and you will look better in one tailored to you. So I would say in this case you pay the tux.

In other cases, like if she has a business meeting in Las Vegas and I am coming along, the division of money is her company pays the hotel room while she is working and her airfare, and I pay my own airfare. I get a couples weekend in vegas for the price of my own ticket and 1 night of a hotel bill. A fair trade. (I think hookers are optional though :rofl


But on a more serious note, you should work a little on your avoidance of people. Join a group where you can interact. Something like Toastmasters International where you can give short speeches in a small group setting...and you will be talking and enjoying these outings in no time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dormant said:


> The closer I get to Saturday night, the more I regret my sucide attempt didn't work on the 11th of June....Or the 4th of March 2014 or the 3rd of March 2013....


So, you come here and we take you to task for not working on your side of the street and your response is to highlight that you're suicidal? Or quasi-suicidal (since you haven't)? I'm sorry to be rough on you, but SOMEone in your life needs to be telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and DO something to turn this around. No one else is going to do it for you. And I'm speaking as someone who's been in your same place, a few times, myself. Nobody fixed it for me. I had to decide I'd had enough of feeling sorry for myself and seek real help for it.

The added bonus: when you finally DO start taking responsibility and making changes, you'l be more attractive to your wife.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Door, do you want to escape life so badly that you want to depart the earth by means of doing harm to yourself? as another person mentioned it above, all you will do is give her a free get out of jail card from your marriage, she gets to play the grieving widow, get all the money, everything and gets men to line up to replace you....while you never have a chance to really live....wouldn't it be better to leave the marriage, and finally find happiness on your own, to never have to go to big parties, never have to rent a tux, never have to live in a marginal relationship. you seem to have put a lot of effort in escaping this world, i challenge you to try to escape this marriage first, and try to live on your own for a while...but don't give her the satisfaction of being the the winner of a sad outcome for you


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

dormant said:


> It's more of a point, that I think she should foot the cost of the Tux.


Well, it's your tux so if you didn't say anything you shouldn't expect anything, not your wife's fault.
You have nothing to be resentful about, you just need to suck it up and deal with life.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Finder said:


> Well, it's your tux so if you didn't say anything you shouldn't expect anything, not your wife's fault.
> You have nothing to be resentful about, you just need to suck it up and deal with life.


Right now, I just want to get past Saturday night...


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## luv2luv (Mar 28, 2013)

OP I thought this thread was just a normal thread about doing things one doesn't want to because of their SO, but I really hope you are getting the help you need if this is something that brings up memories of suicide and regrets that it didn't work. Please take care of yourself.


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