# Husband cheated after 15 years



## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

I have been married for 15 years, and from my knowledge, my husband has always been faithful to me until now. For the last 6 months or so, I have been super stressed out from all kinds of issues, mainly personal with kids, and loosing my mother. My husband and I have been sleeping apart during this time as well, but we still have maintained an ok sex life. He just chose to sleep on the couch, and says it was because he didn't want to disturb me watching tv late at night. Although this bothered me, I just went along with it. 

He seemed to be upset most of the time, so we didn't really communicate much without arguing, so things weren't really good for these months, but I didn't know how bad they really were. So a few weeks ago, I awake at 2 am hearing my husband in the living room on the phone with someone. It wasn't so much of a big deal since he had just got home from work, but what was strange was the fact that I had been seeing him on the phone more and more lately, when he rarely ever talked to anyone other than his family on the phone our entire marriage.

So, during this phone conversation at 2 am, I hear him end it by saying I will text you when I get up, which really disturbed me. I was positive he couldn't have been up talking to a male that late, and then telling him he'd text him when he got up, so I knew it had to be a woman. I was really hurt, but didn't want to jump to conclusions. So then a few days later, I leave, and soon as I get back, I hear him outside in the backyard on the phone again, this time ending the conversation by saying he needed to smoke a cigarette to get his mind right.

Since the conversations didn't really sound like cheating, I had an uncomfortable feeling it still was, so I debated how to approach him with it, especially since he seemed so upset with me lately, and unapproachable. I then spent the next few days really upset because I just felt like he was cheating on me, and this is why he didn't sleep in our room anymore, and I have been a fool thinking we could work past this. 

Eventually, I got really upset and just asked him who he was talking to over the phone via a text message, and since he didn't reply, I had to just ask him face to face, which I dreaded. He got super pissed and said he was talking to this person about a job, but I'm like at 2 am. So he goes on to say well that's because he get off late. So I didn't like how he blew up at me for asking, and acted like he didn't care, so I told him I would just file for a divorce and leave him alone, since I can't ask my husband of 15 years who he is on the phone with. Also, he threw in my face that me knowing who he was talking to was just my way of controlling everything.

So, since it seemed like our marriage was over, and I felt helpless and like I couldn't even talk to him about something that's bothering me and making me uncomfortable, the next day I went and got the papers for a divorce. I completed and filed the papers the following day. On this day, I debated if I would serve the papers to him because I really started having second thoughts. Later that day, I used the only car we have to pick my younger kids up from school immediately after him returning from picking up our older children from school. 

He accidentally left his cell phone on the seat, so I hurried up and left because I really wanted to look through his phone to see who he was calling, which I have never ever done before. To my surprise, I found he was texting some woman, getting nude pics from her, and calling this same woman, who was saved in his phone as S. I was so hurt. I read texts from her saying she loved him and him asking her to send him sexy pics, etc. I also saw a text that appeared to have made reference to them being together a few days prior when he all of a sudden went to spend the night with his mom. Since she lives a few hours away, I didn't think much of that all of a sudden visit until I later found a receipt from a restaurant, dine in for two, paid for with his credit card, which I never mentioned, but also helped my suspicion out. 

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but since I was parked only around the corner from our house to pick up our kids, I knew he would walk around there as quick as he could when he realized he left his phone, so I had to read quick. I wanted to get her phone number, but only had just enough time to read all the messages, which at least went back to before this past Christmas, which he also spent with his mother and not our family surprisingly. As soon as I could finish reading the texts, I saw him walking to the car, which I knew why because he didn't want me to see his messages, so I quickly pretended to read a book while waiting on the kids, and he knocked on the window and asked did he leave his phone. I gave it to him and he walked back home. I was so pissed, but had to keep it together in front of the kids. As soon as I got home, I got the papers and served him myself and left for a few hours to calm my nerves. He then texted me saying how he thought I wouldn't go through his stuff and how he didn't think I would file papers so fast. 

I was even more pissed because I didn't mention anything about his phone and what I saw, only served him divorce papers which he knew I said I'd file from two nights prior when asking who he was speaking to on the phone. So I texted him back and told him how hurt I was for him cheating and asked him if he wasn't, why was he mentioning me going through his stuff. He replied saying he never cheated and he wouldn't sign the papers if they say cheating, so I replied and told him papers just say irreconcilable differences, not cheating, although I know he had. He replied back saying he never cheated, so I replied back saying he lied, he did cheat, and that I am not going to play back and forth games, I went through the phone and say the messages, pics, etc. So he then replied back and said he only started back talking to her because he couldn't talk to me and after all these years he couldn't make me happy so he felt our marriage was over.

I couldn't believe what I was reading, especially since I felt like I couldn't talk to him all this time, and that he was distancing himself from me. We responded back and forth, and I told him how hurt I was. Later the next day, he came home and we actually talked and agreed we would forgive each other and work on our marriage so we can stay together. I was so emotional, hurt, and not thinking straight, so I only really asked him would he promise to never talk to her again, which he said yes to and apologized to me. It's only been about 6 days since all this occurred, and things have been super good between us. He sleeps in our bed again, and we have really reconnected like old times. It feels really nice because I really love my husband and didn't want a divorce, even after finding out he cheated. I use to always say I would leave a man if he cheated, but in reality, I just couldn't leave my husband, especially after he wanted to work our marriage out as much as I did. 

However, although these last few days have been great, I am now starting to feel like he may be still talking to this woman, and also, I feel like I let him off way to easy due to me being so emotional, hurt, and desperate to save my marriage. What I mean is, I have a list of questions I really want answered because I feel like although I forgave him, I don't even know the extent of their relationship, how long it occurred, what actually happened between them, and who she even is, because it sound like she is an ex. I feel like it is unfair for me to have all these questions that I am afraid to ask him about in fear of him getting upset and our marriage ending, but at the same time, it's unfair to have to live with something and pretend like it's okay, and then have the issue resurface and cause problems later on in our marriage. Either way, I want to talk to him about her and get my questions answered, honestly hopefully, and without him blowing up at me. I kind of feel like now is the best time before too much time passes, so he doesn't feel like why I'm bringing up something that happened so long ago that I forgave him for.

I am so afraid to talk to him about this, please help me with advice. Do I pretend nothing is bothering me and secretly be torn up inside not knowing if he had sex with this woman, how long they were even together, and just the extent of their relationship, and if he is still involved with her or not, or say something with the risk of a final blowout, and loose my 15 year marriage with a man I love, but lost trust for.

I believe our marriage can survive from his infidelity, but I just have to know the truth about the other woman, and I don't feel like I can genuinely move on in our marriage without knowing, even though things seem to be going well right now. I am so lost and don't know what to do. Please, please help with any advice.

Thanks....


Tiffany


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hi Tiffany, you sound like you are in a state!

What you have to know, is, there is a cheater script. All very similar. There is also a script for the likes of you (and many of us BS's here) believe it or not. Calm yourself down, try to think straight. Eat, sleep. And follow some basic advice that will help make sense of your situation. I will put a few suggestions down here, and I am sure many others will follow. 

BTW, what do you want from this marriage? Do you require an honest and faithful relationship? Because if you do, the only thing you can do now is play hard ball. There is no easy way out here, and if you wish to lose your mind as well as your marriage, then make sure you let him stay in control....because that is where you are both at right now.

First, he has cheated. That says a lot about how he feels about you and your relationship. Very little I guess right now. Do not think for one minute this is your fault. It is his, in its entirety. But this realisation I hope will help you feel some anger towards him...which I cannot sense any right now. It seems that your desperation at the possible loss of your marriage is overshadowing any anger you may feel. You need to feel the anger in order to get through this period safely and in tact with as few bruises as possible.

2. Speak with him. It is your absolute right as a BS to speak about it. If he gets angry and/or defensive, then you know it continues. If it continues. you need to find out your own answers. Do not confront anymore. Keep anything you find to yourself. Time to be James Bond. This is the only way you will find information. DO NOT TELL HIM the information you find or how. NEVER tell him how. This is your only source of intelligence. This is your only source of knowing any truth. Don't ever tell.him...because he will then know how you know, and how to avoid you knowing. His activity will go underground and it will become nearly impossible to detect it in the future.

3. Gather, save and document all evidence. When it is irrefutable, then you can confront. What you have to decide is, what do you want when you confront? Are you ready to take control here? Are you confronting to get him to admit he screwed up again, to face no consequences again, or do you want to see an end to this? 

Read some threads here. They will open your eyes to the way you are enabling your cheating man...because, by giving no consequences, you are allowing him, enabling him, to have another woman.

4. If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to let it go. The person with the most power in a relationship is the person who cares least about it while the other person cares immensely. While they know this, they know they can get away with anything. 

Stop caring...or at least pretend. The less you care, the more you take care of yourself, the more you show him that you are good without him, the more he will notice. 

If you stop caring about the marriage entirely and begin a divorce process, he will jump up and take very close notice of you and the relationship. He needs to realise his actions have consequences. This is the only way you will make him take notice. He needs to feel some pain also...he cannot think that his affair is all rainbows and puppys....it is not! He will never stop while he is allowed to have his affair drug thrills. 

Going dark on him, doing the 180, refusing to engage with him while he treats you like sh*t, will cause him to start looking back in towards the marriage, and not away from it as he had been. 

Those who demand respect, receive it. Those who don't think they deserve proper respect get the sh*t wiped on them from the dirty boots.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

In your fear about losing your marriage, you are willing to sweep the affair under the rug. This is bad and will only allow him to continue his affair while married to you. You will be in pain and he will have his cake and eat it, too.

As Remains says, there have to be consequences to his betrayal. The ultimate consequence is divorce, which you have threatened and then walked back. You have to mean it in order for him to believe the threat and act on it.

Right now you don't know much of anything about the affair. You haven't demanded transparency from him, you have no way of checking to see if the affair is over. Really, you have done very little to kill the affair.

He needs to become an open book to you to prove that the affair is done. He needs to open his phone, accounts, etc. to you so that you can both learn the truth and check on him. You have to find out if the other woman has a boyfriend or is married and expose her. You have to expose the affair to family and friends to shine a light on it and keep him accountable.

And you do your own homework by checking on your own. Buy a VAR and find out if he is still in contact with her. (Look up the poster weightlifter's posts to find detailed instructions on how to use the VAR.)

He has to willingly answer your questions and agree to counseling. In short, there is a lot to do if you want a chance here.

Others will come in and contribute. Good luck.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Your husband is rewriting the marital history to serve his needs. 

If he did feel neglected he had the following options: talk about it, suggest marital counseling, demand marital counseling, threaten divorce, divorce, cheat etc. 

Cheating was one of those options. He chose to cheat on you. 

Regardless of whether or not he actually slept with someone, you have not given him any consequences.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Please check this out.

So sorry you had to join us.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Save all evidence copied in two offsite locations!!!!!!!!!


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Tiffany, what is your dealbreaker? A physical affair? Where is the line for you?

Your story is heartbreaking, my heart was pounding reading it. I could feel the stress in your words.

You need to know first of all what you want. R or D.

Once you decide, then you can act accordingly.

But honestly, I would not be able to make any kind of decision so soon. The pain and fear is so fresh, you are so vulnerable right now.

Do you know who this is he is talking to, do you know if she is married? How did they know each other, etc.?

Don't be afraid. Come here to post to keep your sanity and get support for yourself.

Decide on your dealbreaker and what you want R or D. Then you can decide what you are going to do about it.

Sorry you are here. Please take care of yourself.


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Thanks for the replies so far. I am really, really confused right now, but I do want to save my marriage. We have three kids together, and he has been the only father in my oldest two children's life since they were babies. I don't want to hold on to a marriage just for my kids, and I don't feel I am, however I feel like I need to know more info on this affair before I can truly forgive and move on. I feel like I jumped the gun due to being overwhelmed with hurt and emotions and I didn't handle this properly, which has left me stuck with unanswered questions.

I want to talk to him tonight, but I am super nervous. A part of me just wants to leave it alone and try to move on, but I am really torn inside with not knowing the extent of this relationship, and if it is even over completely or not. I don't feel like I should be this terrified to speak to a man I have been with so long. I don't know, maybe I just want his love, and I am selling myself short. With that being said, he has been a good husband to me thus far, so it's not like I am throwing away a marriage that hasn't been good because it has for the most part. But, I don't know how to live with this now, it's too hard and I want to make the right decision for the both of us. It doesn't serve any purpose to be in a relationship with someone where you have to hide your feelings in fear of starting an argument. 

Just so sad and don't know what to do....


Thanks again for all replies and you all are right...


Tiffany


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

solid read for any one, M or F

if you wish for things to work he MUST be transparent 

you should know all passwords to FB, cells, tool box, etc

I recommend a No Contact letter

IOW, have him write her a letter, send cert. mail w/return

receipt stating everything is over, do not contact me

this woman........is she married? have bf?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Request that you both sit down this evening to have a chat. Start off with the reasons behind it, tell him what you told us - see below. And write down beforehand the things you want to say or ask before the nervousness gets the better of you and causes your mind to go blank.... : 

" I want to talk to [you] tonight/now, but I am super nervous. A part of me just wants to leave it alone and try to move on, but [I know this is wrong]. I am really torn inside with not knowing the extent of this relationship, and if it is even over completely or not. I don't feel like I should be this terrified to speak to a man I have been with so long. I don't know, maybe I just want love, and I am selling myself short (yes, you are definitely selling yourself short. He knows this too. Hence his giving himself permission to cheat). (Use different words for this bit, it leave it out altogether. You don't tell him right now that he's been a good husband, and you certainly don't tell him that it is YOU possibly throwing away the marriage. It's not! It's him! Do not get this wrong. Many women do this kind of thing, in my opinion - "With that being said, he has been a good husband to me thus far, so it's not like I am throwing away a marriage that hasn't been good because it has for the most part"). But, I don't know how to live with this now, it's too hard and I want to make the right decision for [me] (do NOT say 'the both of us' - do not say BOTH. You need to change this to 'ME' He made a very selfish and abusive decision for him and against you. He has behaved as your enemy. As a result, you need to think what you will tolerate, and if you are willing to move on with him - ONLY if he does the hard work of fixing! This is your decision, which should be based on his actions and his willingness to fix. To be transparent and open and HONEST and understanding of your questions and your anger). It doesn't serve any purpose to be in a relationship with someone where you have to hide your feelings in fear of starting an argument." 

Make that your starting point. And come here and use this forum to get help, direction, opinions, on what to do next and how to do it. You will not regret it. Especially given the state of mind you are in.

If you want to get to the final outcome quickly, and have the highest chance of salvaging a GOOD relationship, follow the tried and tested advice here. If you don't, and you don't give him consequences, you will find yourself here again. And again. He will have no resolve to stay faithful for the rest of his marriage. It will be only a matter of time before he leaves to go and be with his new bit of exciting stuff. And you will be setting the most awful life example for your children. 

Keep bringing each situation here as it arises. And listen to the advice. And get the best outcome for you and your children.


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Omg, I am loving all the advice and kind words from you all. This really means a lot to me since I've never had anyone to talk to about any of my marriage problems or any problems actually. This has been such a traumatic experience and having support from others in similar situations is awesome.

I will take ALL advice and update you all each step of this. I am going to get my list of questions down and prepare myself to talk to him tonight for sure because I am seriously hurting inside and it's driving me insane keeping up the facade.

Thanks so much everyone who replied. Please keep the advice coming, I really need it....



Tiffany


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Tiffanymarried15years said:


> However, although these last few days have been great, I am now starting to feel like he may be still talking to this woman.


I don't think you need to have a talk just yet. 

You need to secretly find out if the above is true or not. 

Go into detective mode. Your first step is to find out what you are dealing with. 

So you need a VAR in his car, keylog the computer, check cell records, etc. 

If he is still talking to her, any sit down discussion with him is pointless. 

....and if he is still talking to her do not confront him. Relay the information here and TAM will formulate your next step. 


All The Best

GP


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with the above...it is worth finding out more truth before the talk so you can gauge if he is being truthful or totally dishonest, though if you have already had it, it doesn't matter, it is worth covertly verifying if what he says is true regardless. Because it probably isn't.

Act dumb now, act like you trust him fully and begin to investigate. Just make sure you don't confront when you have only discovered a little, male sure you get the full picture before any confrontation, and NEVER reveal how you know.


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Do you all think it's possible to have the talk just to hear what he has to say about it, but still go into detective mode from there to make sure he is no longer keeping up the relationship? I do want to wait, mainly because I am simply terrified to have the talk period, but this is driving me totally insane, and I almost just have to know more about their relationship. I don't want to jeopardize finding out if it's ended though, but at least he will know exactly how I feel, and if he still continues the relationship and I find out about it while playing detective, which I very much plan to do, then the divorce will be definite.

Thanks again for all replies, very much appreciated....


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

IF he is still talking to her, you will put him on HIGH ALERT if you start asking questions. Lay low and investigate. 

If it's bothering you too bad, tell him you aren't feeling well.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You absolutely let your husband off too easy. And he is probably still talking to the other woman. It is worth investigating 1st so you know what you are dealing with. So you don't put him on high alert. 

What phone does he have? Does he leave it lying around or is it stuck to him like glue?

Does he use the computer? 

If you can gain access then it is worth putting spyware on and/or keylogger on phone/computer. 

If he only uses his phone, where does he use it? What do you know about the woman in question?

BTW, when they get unreasonably angry when asked a simple question, ignore the anger and KNOW you are on to something big.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm am so sorry you are here tiffany. you sound like you've kept a pretty level head so far but i know how much it hurts inside.

if i was you, i'd want to know the answers too and if he expects you to take him back, he should answer every question you have. my concern is do you really want to hear the answers and if he's not truthful about it, what will you do then?

i might want to wait a bit and see if he's really gone NC with her. once you have that confirmation, maybe start asking the questions you want. 

i'd also invest in a couple of VARs if you decide to lay low for a while.


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

I will definitely wait then. I put a voice recorder in the car today, so I can't wait to hear it tomorrow, which I will update you all on. I did notice today he left his phone in the room while he showered, which was strange, so I just had to sneak a peek. To my a surprise, he now has a password on there, which was definitely never there before, very suspicious.

He has some kind of LG phone, not really up to date, and he only uses his phone, he is clueless about computers. I am certain he would never use social media, so that's no worry. All info is on that darn phone, which is now password protected.

That's the problem, I know absolutely nothing about her except he saved her in his phone as S, and I saw pics of her. I mean I didn't even find out her name, where she live, how they met, etc. I am going nuts, but I am trying to play it cool. Before he just left to work, he even mentioned me retracting the divorce papers before it was too late, which I told him I'd do soon.

Thanks again all. I will just play detective while I wait, miserable, but I will survive....


Tiffany


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

the password isn't a good sign.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

cool12 said:


> the password isn't a good sign.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Agree


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Any smudges on the screen to give you a clue what the password might be?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

whose name is on the cell bill?

if his only, call the company, report your daughter has it

and you fear she is getting nude pics sent to her by a 

40 y/o perv.......chances are...that will get you cooperation


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Don't feel bad because you want to know those things, this would be true for any BS. I would suggest for you to just go to him and let him know that you need to know these things to be able to move forward. If he is truly sorry for what he has done and really want your marriage to be restored he will be understanding to this and would want to do whatever it takes to move forward. If he isn't and blows up about you wanting to know, I would question his intentions of wanting to restore.

The thing you must ask yourself is: Is there anything he could say to you that would make your stand on restoring change? What if it was for years, what if there was multiple encounters? Because once you ask these things and he answers truthfully, you can't undo it and not know it. Once you know you know. There are plenty things that I have found out that sometimes I wish I just didn't find out in the first place.


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Update:

So my husband got home last night and really wanted to talk to me. He sort of arranged a quiet romantic evening for us, which took me by somewhat of surprise. He then began to tell me about this woman, where she lived, how they met, etc. I was floored, and full of emotions because these were some the exact questions I been dying to ask him. I was then able to ask the remaining questions, and actually, feel they were truthful and honest.

It seemed though that he was a bit uncomfortable, as he should have been, discussing this with me since he know he was wrong. From what he told me, besides the pics she sent and the back and forth texts, phone calls, were only to talk about his problems at work, but since she has interest in more than that, I guess he found himself in a compromising situation by allowing her to send inappropriate pics to him, and he even ask her for them. He was open and remorseful about what he did, but swears that was it, no physical or emotional anything.

I actually feel much better, but I guess as a woman, I kind of wanna bring it back up just to say are you sure that was it, and you didn't sleep with her at all, but I guess he answered already and I need to accept his answer, believe him if I choose and try to move on. What do you all think? Also, I am still going to play detective just to help restore the trust lost, and be sure he is being completely honest with me, but hopefully not too long so we can truly began to rebuild our marriage.

I guess I am now just wondering if I should still maybe get one last probe of a question in just to have that extra confidence that I heard him correctly. You know, sometimes you have conversations where you are nervous, emotional and kind of feel like you didn't hear everything good, but at the same time, you know what you heard? Well, I went through that last night, but I really don't wanna rehash this especially after he was so calm and open to come talk to me about it.

More advice please....


Thanks....


Tiffany


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Since you did the VAR thing. I assume you have already seen my standard spy post somewhere in the 99999 times Ive posted it?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

and he is going no contact? you have all of his passwords and access to everything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Tiffany, he has a lock on his phone. You still can't trust a word he says. 

The next time he leaves his phone out in the open like that, call it. It may bypass the lock screen. I know mine does and I have a LG. Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Tiffany,

As much as you want to believe he didn't have sex with her, you can't trust what he tells you. It's called trickle truth. Almost all cheaters do this to some degree. Especially if the sex would be a deal breaker for you, you need to know that information. Even if it's not, you need to know what you're trying to forgive.

Ask him if he would be willing to take a polygraph to prove there was no sex, and watch his reaction. Just ask him if he would be willing - for now. Come back and let us know what he says before you consider going through with one. If he doesn't agree - that's not good.

You have to insist that he be an open book. No passwords. No deleting texts or internet history. He leaves his phone available to you to look at. He accounts for his time away from you. That's non-negotiable. Check your cell phone records against his text and phone records periodically (from his cell phone) to confirm he's not deleting them and to watch for unexplained numbers.

I trust you've exposed him and her - and that he's sent her a no contact letter that you reviewed. That's a must.

If he won't accept these consequences, there's no chance for R, and you should tell him that.

Keep posting.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Tiffanymarried15years said:


> Update:
> 
> So my husband got home last night and really wanted to talk to me. He sort of arranged a quiet romantic evening for us, which took me by somewhat of surprise. He then began to tell me about this woman, where she lived, how they met, etc. I was floored, and full of emotions because these were some the exact questions I been dying to ask him. I was then able to ask the remaining questions, and actually, feel they were truthful and honest.
> 
> ...


Why the talk? Is he spying on your posts or did you ask for it? 

Does his phone still have a password?

If it does, you need to set a firm boundary of no passwords or get the password. 

You seem eager to get this over and done (rugsweep). Not a good idea. You may be posting here again in the future. 

Stay vigilant. Trust but verify.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

His being so forthcoming to me, is a red flag. Next stop, the underground affair.


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Another Huge Update:

First off, all of you are exactly right, and I am by no means not taking all advice. I know most of you if not all have been down this road, or just know so much about it. I on the other hand never dealt with infidelity before, and especially not in my marriage, which has been my only marriage. With that being said, I really wanted to believe him, but I don't and for good reason.

So, I listened to the recording from last night, and omg, I just can't believe him. He lied to my face and did it with ease. I absolutely can't trust him, and I am finding out it's not just the one woman. So, let's begin. 

I hear a whole conversation with this woman, the original one saved in his phone as S from as soon as he got off work last night. Didn't call me, but her, and oh boy did I get an ear full. Not only did they talk about sex, but he is trying to arrange a visit with her either this Wednesday on his off day, or this Friday. They talked heavily about having sex, oral sex, etc. I am hurt, but more so very disappointed in him. He even called her baby, but also by her name, Sherrell. As though this wasn't enough, I kept the recording going until I could secretly get it out to listen after he went to sleep this morning from taking kids to school and bringing me breakfast.

Unbelievably, he called some other woman and was talking inappropriately with her about her sending more pics of of breast again, etc. I am in total shock right now.

I plan to keep recording and not reveal my sources, but I am super pissed and tonite when he comes home, and I am gonna demand answers and try to resolve this. He will definitely have to be open and honest and let me know EVERYTHING, every woman, and how long this has been going on because if not, I am telling him tonight I will not retract the divorce papers and he will loose me for good, and that is no lie.

I was and still am willing to forgive him, but I refuse to be lied to and cheated on. All those conversations sounded like he was straight single, so if that's how he wants to live, he will be because I will not be disrespected, and lied to like this. I didn't sign up for this, and I know people are dishonest, but I just never would have expected this from him, and to continue to call women after seeing how hurt I was just knowing about the one. Unbelievable. So hurt and of course begging for more advice please....


Thanks....


Tiffany.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Tiff

First off ... do not confront him yet.

You are not ready. You say you are willing to forgive him. Why?

Get yourself into some IC and further study why you would want to forgive him so soon. Codependency seems to be showing itself. 

What you need to do is calm down. Go see a Lawyer and file asap. If you cannot afford one print off some EZ official looking Divorce papers online. Then hand them to him or have a lawyer serve him. 

He needs to believe you want to divorce him. If you do not convince him that you don't need him, he will cheat again. 

DO NOT TELL HIM HOW YOU KNOW ANYTHING. REVEAL NOTHING. 

VAR needs to be a secret for a long time. It's none of his business. 


Sorry for your sitch but you are in a good place.
I have been in your very shoes. 


ALL the Best

GP


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Thanks @gutpunch 
You are right. I only want to forgive because I guess I just love him, but don't want to be cheated on. I have already filed and had papers served to him a few days ago when this all started, but he wants me to retract them. I wanted to let him know tonight that I will not retract them, and lay it all out on the table to get honest results or answers, or I don't know, maybe a huge blowup. In any event, I just am tired of the lies and really wanna confront him, since I don't wanna stand him actually hooking up with this one woman in a few days, not that I can stop him from cheating, but I just wanna a resolution. I know I am jumping too soon, so I will try my best to wait, but I really feel like I have heard enough recordings, and I want to now demand passwords, proof all relationships are over, his phone number changed, no visits to see his mom without me, sad but necessary. You know, stuff like that, but if waiting is best, will do. Thanks again so much...


Tiffany


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You have filed. Then you are free to confront. Don't reveal your sources. I was hoping that you filing would knock him out of the fog.

Confront him but don't commit to D or R. 

Sometimes you must be willing to leave your marriage for a chance of saving it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Thanks. Yes, filed, so I will confront tonight. I really want to see how it goes, so I will follow your advice and update tomorrow. This will determine how I will proceed once he know I know everything, but I will definitely not reveal my sources in no way. He can beg, but I am no fool, would never reveal. He better be prepared to plead his case and fight for this marriage, otherwise I know divorce would be our only option.

Thanks...


Tiffany


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Good healthy attitude.

If he starts blame shifting it's 180 time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i know it's hard tiffany but i'd wait just a little longer and gather more evidence.
i'm so sorry.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

As said, don't reveal how you know.

No matter what he says now, proceed with the divorce 

He will lie many more times before he comes clean.

If there are two girls he is on the phone with, there may be more that have not gotten past chatting.g.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Okay ya forgot about one part. Gentle reminder.

The VAR did EXACTLY what it was supposed to do. It got you ahead of the affair. You have a time, NOW get a PI and get the conventional evidence. Confront with the conventional evidence.

VARs are the ace up the sleeve you can use over and over and over and over and over. Never reveal them. No use in court anyway. Dont confront now. Do it with PI report.

Oh uh with two ho's. It aint gonna get better.

Oh and save two copies offsite and one in a USB drive offsite also.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tiff........ GPs right.... 

you should get tested for STDs asap

the more evidence you compile

the easily you can cut through his BS

you will probably hear trickle truth

and a great deal of gaslighting

not only does he have to own up

he also has to win you back

make him heavy lift

by letting him know you may very well... proceed with D

he will likely re-evaluate his standing

best of luck


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Tiffany, please don't confront your husband. He's lying to you, he has been lying to you, and will lie to you some more.

He already knows you will forgive him. It seems like your love is blind right now and you just want to take his word for it and rug-sweep everything.

Do you work? Can you afford a divorce? Can you afford another car.

Your husband is what is called a cake-eater. He has a nice, loving wife at home to take care of his children and love him and cook and clean for him while he has fun on the side.

Think about a plan of action before you confront him. He's not going to tell you the truth right now anyway. 

What is your limit? Is it how many women or how long these affairs went on?

My husband cheated on me for 10 years without me knowing it. It could have been longer but I have proof of 10 years and several women. My husband confessed to one woman, and a one night stand when he was confronted. He had no idea what I knew. I let my husband lie and lie while I had the truth secretly in my possession. I wanted to see how much he lied. Let's just say he lied about everything, blamed me, rewrote history.

You want answers but you are not going to get the correct ones from your husband. Being patient is by FAR the hardest part but it WILL pay off.

It hard when the person you trust becomes the person you know longer know. It rocks your world.

You can't make empty threats, it doesn't work. You can't threaten divorce if you can't go through with it. You will be seen as being week by your husband and he will know there will never be any consequences for his actions.

You are in control right now, not your husband. If you want things to work out, you have to be tough right now, even if you have to fake it.

Sorry you are here. Stay here and keep reading other stories to see how others have reconciled. Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

It's probably to late to tell you this Tiffany, but I agree with the previous posters on not confronting now.

His betrayal is so egregious, that he doesn't even deserve the opportunity to have a conversation with you about it; at least not so soon. Go get your ducks in a row and formulate your exit plan first. Take a couple of days.

Then, the only thing that I would tell him is that you know everything he's done - then go dark on him, implement the 180 to the fullest. Separate from him if you can. Give it a few more days, then ask him if he's ready to tell you the truth. Let him give his explanation, and then get away from him again. Keep implementing the 180.

Then think long and hard about R with him. Frankly, I think it's a long shot that he'll turn around.

I know this course of action "can" work, because I've used it myself.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

How did last night go Tiffany?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm sorry Tiffany, but I think you should let him go. He does not sound like a good partner or role model for children. His blatant lies right to your face, his cowardly continuance of continuing the clandestine meetings with the OW (plural!) for sex and emotional connection... really, truly... let them have him. He is not who you thought. 

You don't have to be afraid. You've already taken the first step towards getting yourself out of this... just keep moving forward. Your initial reaction was out of fear and anger, but it was the right one. Don't let the denial override your intelligence when it comes to knowing the right thing to do. The hardest part of change, is acceptance.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Why are you so determined to R with him? He is cheating on you! And you haven't even confronted yet, and yet R is already in the pipeline! Madness! 

I hope this is not another one of THOSE threads!


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Another Update:

So, I had the confrontation the other night. As soon as my husband got home from work, I didn't just jump into the conversation, I actually asked how was work, allowed him to talk about work, etc, then at some point, he asked how was my day and if I wanted to talk about anything. This was my perfect opportunity to start the confrontation.

I then just started off and asked if he wanted to stay married, and his reasons to if so, if other than for love. I then just told him I know everything. He asked at some point how, but I didn't reveal my sources. I actually told him that, that is not the issue, and I don't have to explain anything, but he did. I told him straight out that I would uphold the divorce if he lie, say the wrong thing, get angry, or don't be completely open and honest about everything. 

I made sure he saw the seriousness, and I stressed how I would be out his life for good if this is the lifestyle he wants, because I didn't marry him to go through this. I also told him straight out that he was dead wrong, that is inappropriate behavior for a married man, and that under no circumstance, in love or not will I ever tolerate that, or allow that in my marriage.
I also explained how I will go forth with the divorce so he can be single and do as he pleases. 

Well everyone, his reply was not what I expected, but I must say, I can truly appreciate it, and I have to admit, love him even more for it. He was an open book, and had very genuine emotions, and remorse. He told me everything that has happened, and since out of being married to this man for 15 years, I know was the truth. 

So, according to him, he never had sex with any of the two woman, but one since it's an ex, in the past only. He explained that he was living a fantasy so to speak, but never intending on acting on anything said. It started as friendships just to talk about work, etc, but never about his marital problems. He explained when and how the line was crossed with all the sex talk back and forth, the nude pics, etc.

He also explained that he was wrong as two left shoes for all of it regardless if it never lead to physical or real emotions, just for pretend. I mean, I do understand this only because I have actually thought about chatting with males online just to have someone to talk to, to keep my mind off problems at home when times were hard in my marriage. However, I know for a fact I never had any intentions on ever acting on anything either, although I never did because it just felt so wrong still.

So, he then explained how wrong he was to give them his time, which was taken away from me, like when he calls them instead of me on his way to and from work. He basically said everything possible to convince me this was really just a fantasy affair, and that he knew he was wrong, and how he'd stop immediately and never do anything like that ever again. Now I know people lie, and they say any and everything to get out of being in trouble, or in this case, loose their wife. But, I know my husband very well, and have only seen him actually cry real tears only a few times in our marriage, and this man was in more tears than me.

I know tears don't mean honesty, or not going to repeat actions, but together with his words, emotions, facial expressions, and overall whole demeanor showed me this was honest. I don't know the future, but I can only take him for his words, work on reconciliation, and see what comes about in our future. Time will tell it all. 

One last thing, he asked me what he could do to regain my full trust, and that he would start with changing his phone number, giving me the passwords, etc. I was actually shocked he asked this and offered some of the things I was gonna demand anyway. I am just glad I didn't have to lay down demands, well, I did, but didn't have to say it first. By him asking, it made it easier to give out ALL demands I had, and changing his number and giving me all passwords was definitely a MUST amongst many other demands.

I want to say thanks again to all of you for the advice. I really appreciate it. Please feel free to give me more advice on how to move on from here, as I am trying my best, and actually feel much better now. Oh, I am still keeping my VAR, at least for awhile...:scratchhead:

Tiffany


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Nicely done
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are a kind heart, Tiffany. I wish you well. You did a great job here.

Others will probably come in and tell you that there is always a chance that he is still lying, that it was physical, and that it is now going underground.

Since you've made it clear to him that you won't tolerate any of that, keep the VAR going for a good long time. The monitoring is your friend. And never, ever let him know how you know everything. Never, ever.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Good job.

But don't be so sure yet.

Vigilance.

Verify everything he says.

Keylogger.

GPS. VAR.

Stay strong. You are awesome!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I still see this as a potential rug-sweep, a false R, and a second D-Day down the road. 

But hopefully I'm way wrong.....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are right.

But, she is being strong. She is just going to have to catch him lying several more times before he gets that she isn't stupid or delusionally in love with him enough to be cheated on.

She's doing great.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

trust what he says but verify

I do hope this is the only snafu you face with him


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Thanks everyone. So far so good, still using my var. As for the comment about rugsweeping, no, I will definitely not be doing that. I have addressed this issue as best as I can with my husband, and although I personally believe he was being sincere, honest and very forthcoming with the info about it, and how it will stop indefinitely, I will still continue to keep my eyes open in every way to regain the lost trust, and keep the trust earned back.

So, I will continue to monitor everything, and as I previously stated, only time will tell. Other than leaving my husband, I have to trust his words and actions for now, since I am satisfied with the outcome of the confrontation, and I really do want to save my marriage. Just not to the extent to be hurt again, especially not with infidelity in anyway...

Thanks again...


Tiffany


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Trust verifiable actions only.

Good luck!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hope he remains true to you in words and in action.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Thoughts on you both getting counseling? At the very least do some home counseling with books etc.


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