# Good communication is critical to a great marriage - Anyone disagree?



## Plan 9 from OS

I think free and open communication is critical to a good marriage and sustaining long term success. This dovetails very well with the concept of radical honesty, but great communication doesn't have to have radical honesty. 

Just this morning, I was in the kitchen eating breakfast with my wife. I was using our Ipad while my wife was talking to me. After a few minutes, she proceeds to tell me "Since you are so interested in the Ipad and not really talking to me, I'm done talking to you". I say to her, what do you mean, I've been talking to you. She responded "But you weren't really paying attention to me, and since you weren't here all week you should be paying attention to me and not the Ipad". 

That type of communication nips things in the bud. It allows you do diffuse short term situations, alerts your spouse when you are feeling short changed, curbs resentment since things aren't bottled up and it can help curb bad habits from developing.


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## GTdad

<GTdad grunts to hold up his end of the converstation>

Seriously, I agree of course, but it's kind of amazing looking back at how hard good communication can be, particularly when a few bad events and the resulting resentments are thrown into the mix.

My wife has had to deal with resentment over my anger at some of the things she's brought up, and the resulting feeling of "f*ck it, I'll just keep it to myself."

I've had to deal with resentment over my wife's apathy at some of the things I've brought up (that meant a lot to me), and the resulting feeling of "f*ck it, I'll just keep it to myself."

Breaking through and getting past those feelings is tough, and we're still working on it.


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## Plan 9 from OS

GTdad said:


> <GTdad grunts to hold up his end of the converstation>
> 
> Seriously, I agree of course, but it's kind of amazing looking back at how hard good communication can be, particularly when a few bad events and the resulting resentments are thrown into the mix.
> 
> My wife has had to deal with resentment over my anger at some of the things she's brought up, and the resulting feeling of "f*ck it, I'll just keep it to myself."
> 
> I've had to deal with resentment over my wife's apathy at some of the things I've brought up (that meant a lot to me), and the resulting feeling of "f*ck it, I'll just keep it to myself."
> 
> Breaking through and getting past those feelings is tough, and we're still working on it.


Good thing this forum is called the "Perfect Marriage Forum". We'd all be hosed!

Great job to keep trying. Luckily, my wife and I both have the mindset of not wanting to be screwed over. That alone has helped us a lot with better communication! :rofl:


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## anotherguy

I want to agree.. but I feel it is only one of a list of things of equal merit.

patience. deference. kindness. thoughfullness. acts of love. attention. consideration. gentleness. taking action. personal growth. relationship maintenance....even giving someone a reality slap when they need it. How about spontaneity?

Communication? Yes indeed. That too. Most certainly.


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## Plan 9 from OS

anotherguy said:


> I want to agree.. but I feel it is only one of a list of things of equal merit.
> 
> patience. deference. kindness. thoughfullness. acts of love. attention. consideration. gentleness. taking action. personal growth. relationship maintenance....even giving someone a reality slap when they need it. How about spontaneity?
> 
> Communication? Yes indeed. That too. Most certainly.


No doubt. There are a lot of other qualities needed as well in addition to communication. That's why there are so many topics and no excuse to not have more threads over here.


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## LoriC

Communication or lack there of is the reason my marriage failed. But with MC and a bit of reading we have come back stronger than ever. The top reason we are in such a good place now is because we learned to communicate with each other. We no longer clam up and not talk about it whatever it is no matter how uncomfortable some topics are. 

And may I add that communication in the bedroom has done amazing things for our sex life!


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## Ikaika

communication on any level, let alone with your spouse is always tough. We assume that our point is the most important and critical piece of information we have formulated. Thus so easy to be in a mode of talking past each other just to get our point across. Oh, I was so there many times, and sometimes I am still there. It can create power struggles and conflict that permeates all areas of a relationship. 

Let's face it the intricacy of human communication are unique to our species. Other animals may communicate but no where near the scale of sophistication as our species. it is no wonder it can be the key to connectedness. 

The two things that has built civilization from cave to skyscraper, facial expression and the the vocal folds in our larynx. The two things that can start wars of destruction, facial expression and the vocal folds in our larynx. 

Yes, it critical to both our success or demise.


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## anotherguy

drerio said:


> ...We assume that our point is the most important and critical piece of information we have formulated. Thus so easy to be in a mode of talking past each other just to get our point across...


this is so me. I know it.

In my defense however - I actively try to listen, rather than waiting for my turn to talk.


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## anotherguy

Good communication:

It's Not About The Nail - YouTube


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## SimplyAmorous

I feel effective Communication *IS* the greatest foundation one can lay ...Everything that stands is built when we take "ownership of our own faults" before the other ...If this is cracked however...much blame shifting results...we become offended.... we stay Stuck... we waste precious time/ years even.

This is a my favorite article on healthy Communication >
Communication - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE



There has never been a time where I felt I couldn't talk to my husband or show him every facet of who I am.. He has always been receptive, a great listener, and understanding... even during my more unruly moments .... 

I am one of those *Radical honesty* adherents.....if a man felt that was too much -he'd never work with me... Also there are certain things I could never hang with... such as being married to a Passive aggressive who clammed up/ refused to talk... that would light a FIRE under me... 

I've never had to deal with this... Talking things out IS what calms me when I am upset.....In this regard.. my husband is like a soothing balm to me.. .

My motto has always been.....Just give it to me Straight... lace it with some kindness/ some tact...YES!! ....but give me enough *Respect* to tell me the truth... always....If you are my friend, my Lover, my child... you owe me this much....and I ..on the receiving end, promise to not "flip out" or put you in the Doghouse... 










I realize out in the world...we may pull some White lies to not offend others -or just to get out of an awkward situation... to not come off like a Jim Carrey in "LIAR LIAR".... 

I think the only thing that would slicingly offend either one of US is IF we fell out of love & didn't want each other any more... if that is still hanging, we pretty much can say & express ANYTHING... feel the freedom, it is very liberating really. 

I asked my husband what he felt was the biggest stumbling block to marriages one night.....his answer was... "*Stubbornness*"... everyone wants to be "right"... so they refuse to talk....hoping /expecting their partner to CAVE 1st.....meanwhile they steam..and ignore each other..... He says better to just come together... offer an olive branch...admit where each spoke in a bad way...work it out



> *LoriC said*: And may I add that communication in the bedroom has done amazing things for our sex life!


 Now this, strangely, was the only thing we DIDN'T talk about ... it was always good, it just could have been WILDER....some things felt too taboo to me.. looking back, it seems so ridiculous now.


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## SaltInWound

Be married to a severe passive aggressive, who uses the silent treatment as if it were crack for an addict, and you will truly understand the importance of communication.


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## Plan 9 from OS

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I agree about great communication but I talk so damned much I've come to recognize the glazed doughnut look in my husband's eyes and shut up. lol


This a good point to go along with the others made above about hammering YOUR point home. It's a combination of active speaking and active listening. We tend to think communicating is mostly talking, and listening is forgotten.


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## CharlieParker

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I agree about great communication but I talk so damned much I've come to recognize the glazed doughnut look in my husband's eyes and shut up. lol


Non verbal communication is important too and sometimes more telling. Who doesn't recognize this?

Me: what's wrong.
Her: nothing, I'm fine. 
Me: no you're not, I can tell (I can see it)


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## FemBot

My Ex BF was a terrible communicator. If there was an arguement he would just get up and leave, nothing got resolved and resentment built up until we broke up. My H is willing to talk and it makes a huge difference. He does find it hard to express his emotions or to even pinpoint how he is feeling but at least he tries to communicate and doesn't just leave me hanging. We've hashed out topics for hours at some points. 

Sometimes I can run circles around him with my language wizadry and I reeeeeally need to tone it down and allow him to express himself. He really likes to reflect on his thoughts and choose his words while I sometimes run off at the mouth 

I once heard that you should argue holding hands. It's a nice thought but I have yet to try it!


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## Davelli0331

GTdad said:


> <GTdad grunts to hold up his end of the converstation>
> 
> Seriously, I agree of course, but it's kind of amazing looking back at how hard good communication can be, particularly when a few bad events and the resulting resentments are thrown into the mix.
> 
> My wife has had to deal with resentment over my anger at some of the things she's brought up, and the resulting feeling of "f*ck it, I'll just keep it to myself."
> 
> I've had to deal with resentment over my wife's apathy at some of the things I've brought up (that meant a lot to me), and the resulting feeling of "f*ck it, I'll just keep it to myself."
> 
> Breaking through and getting past those feelings is tough, and we're still working on it.


This is the problem that my W and I have. She and I get so dug in to our positions that our arguments escalate into these huge battles of wills. At that point, neither of us will give even an inch because at that point, that would constitute defeat.

Those attitudes will sometimes make even the smallest, most nonsensical things balloon into power struggles. 

How do you guys avoid that?


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## FemBot

Dave I try and remind myself that I would rather be happy than right. It's tough in the moment but sometimes you need to practice your "smile and nod" face


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## Davelli0331

FemBot said:


> Dave I try and remind myself that I would rather be happy than right. It's tough in the moment but sometimes you need to practice your "smile and nod" face


So funny that you should say that. The main piece of marital advice my FIL gave me was, "David, you can either be right or you can be happy, but you can't be both." It sounds like good advice but he sounds so defeated when he says it.

The communication aspect is difficult for me when our disagreements escalate into those battles of wills. From the above you can tell that my MIL has a very combative nature. Rest assured my W inherited that 

Further exacerbating the problem is that I grew up in a household such that my dad was the classic "do whatever it takes to keep his W quiet and off his back" types. My mom used that to her advantage to yell or browbeat my dad into always getting her way. I vowed that I would never be that kind of husband.

So you see we have a double dose of it. My W has this learned "yield no quarter" combativeness from her mother, and I have this bit of chip on my shoulder not to turn out like my dad.

We all bring such childhood issues to our marriages, we both just have a very hard time letting it go. I don't like to talk about these disagreements after the fact because the "don't budge even an inch" mentality permeates _those_ discussions, too. These discussions literally end up with each of us outlining our own side and why the other one is wrong.

Any tips on how to deal with that? I know that the real answer is to put your ego aside, but how does one put his or her ego aside without feeling like one is being steamrolled over?


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## Plan 9 from OS

Some things that my wife and I have done was to divide up some of the tasks where we both can excel in our own ways. I wouldn't say that it means you have to swallow pride or end up with a diminished ego - it means that you need to make honest assessments about yourselves when it comes to figuring out your talents that the both of you bring to the marriage. For example, when it comes to finance, my wife keeps the checkbook and ensures that our bank accounts are organized and our savings accounts are all tended to regularly. I am the one responsible for keeping an eye on our investments and moving the money around in those when needed. Her natural talents in finance is her ability to be organized and plan. My talents are to understand how money works and the knowledge I gained with finance. We both keep the other included in each facet of our financial picture, but one of us is in charge of one while the other handles the other piece. Big purchases are done together at all times.


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## Caribbean Man

Davelli0331 said:


> This is the problem that my W and I have. She and I get so dug in to our positions that our arguments escalate into these huge battles of wills. At that point, neither of us will give even an inch because at that point, that would constitute defeat.
> 
> Those attitudes will sometimes make even the smallest, most nonsensical things balloon into power struggles.
> 
> How do you guys avoid that?


Have a look at the Karpman " Drama Triangle " theory.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

The Dreaded Drama Triangle - YouTube


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## CharlieParker

Being right or happy - luckily doesn't happen too often. We tend to either agree or reach a compromise fairly quickly. 

When we can't we'll sometimes say "Do what you want". It's a powerful phase. In essence it means I give up, there's no chance of compromise, I think you are wrong, I don't want to fight about this anymore, I want nothing to do with this decision, you own it, and I am likely to tell you I told you so later. Kinda like going nuclear but it brings about more discussion, usually calmer and more rational. The other person will wind up doing a better job of convincing or getting there point across and framing it in a way that's agreeable.

Then there's always this.


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## SimplyAmorous

FemBot said:


> I once heard that you should argue holding hands. It's a nice thought but I have yet to try it!


I got one better....argue NAKED... there is always resolution here.


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## SimplyAmorous

Davelli0331 said:


> We all bring such childhood issues to our marriages, we both just have a very hard time letting it go. I don't like to talk about these disagreements after the fact because the "don't budge even an inch" mentality permeates _those_ discussions, too. These discussions literally end up with each of us outlining our own side and why the other one is wrong.
> 
> Any tips on how to deal with that? I know that the real answer is to put your ego aside, but how does one put his or her ego aside without feeling like one is being steamrolled over?


Can you give us an example of a continued contention...

Brainstorming together....allowing each to air their side fully while we listen...mentally placing ourselves inside their shoes of understanding/ their viewpoint.....this should allow us (unless our spouse is off their rocker unreasonable) to search for a compromise BOTH can live with...and not feel resentful... maybe to agree to keep working at it, change the rules as you go along... out of Love & respect...

Sometimes we will allow the other THEIR way above ours - and vice versa....it's all about sharing our lives - at the end of the day.


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## GTdad

SimplyAmorous said:


> I got one better....argue NAKED... there is always resolution here.


I laughed when I saw this, but the more I think about it, the more brilliant I think it is.

I think I'll suggest it the next time we start to get into it. I mean, what the hell, right?


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## TCSRedhead

Davelli0331 said:


> This is the problem that my W and I have. She and I get so dug in to our positions that our arguments escalate into these huge battles of wills. At that point, neither of us will give even an inch because at that point, that would constitute defeat.
> 
> Those attitudes will sometimes make even the smallest, most nonsensical things balloon into power struggles.
> 
> How do you guys avoid that?


'Most' of the time, one of us will recognize that the issue/concern is important enough to the other and NOT important enough to us to have the battle.

It's not easy in the heat of the moment but ask the quick question - how important is it to me to win right now? Is it worth this battle?

I very rarely dig my heels in with Hub so he usually sees when I do and backs the heck off.


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## SimplyAmorous

GTdad said:


> I laughed when I saw this, but the more I think about it, the more brilliant I think it is.
> 
> I think I'll suggest it the next time we start to get into it. I mean, what the hell, right?


Some of our funniest moments EVER have been during the stupidest of fights....(in the buff)...how we argued it out and how it came to a very sweet & exciting resolution....


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## Davelli0331

SimplyAmorous said:


> Can you give us an example of a continued contention...
> 
> Brainstorming together....allowing each to air their side fully while we listen...mentally placing ourselves inside their shoes of understanding/ their viewpoint.....this should allow us (unless our spouse is off their rocker unreasonable) to search for a compromise BOTH can live with...and not feel resentful... maybe to agree to keep working at it, change the rules as you go along... out of Love & respect...
> 
> Sometimes we will allow the other THEIR way above ours - and vice versa....it's all about sharing our lives - at the end of the day.


Sure. The other day I come in from work, go on a run, then come in and take a shower. I walk into the living room exhausted and plop down on the couch. As soon as I'm seated, my W asks me to take out the trash in the kitchen. Being tired, I say I'll do it later. My W then raises her voice, throws down whatever was in her hand, and says, "Fine! I'll go take it out myself!"

I take out the trash all the time. I've never had a problem with it. I didn't refuse to do it then, I just wanted to rest a few minutes. However, by reacting the way she did, now my W has escalated it from simply "taking out the trash" to "who is going to get their way". At that point, it's now a battle of wills. I refuse to be treated that way, so I won't give in. She doesn't think she did anything wrong, so she won't give in. We each dig in harder to our positions until eventually it's now this epic argument that represents a power struggle.

It's retarded as all get out, but that's a good example of these disagreements we get into. They're not nearly as frequent as they once were, this is probably the first time in a couple months that it's happened.

A couple days later, I go to talk about it with her. Her response is that it's my fault that it escalated because I took the "fine, I'll do it myself" comment personally, which was not her intent. I counter that anyone would take that comment as some sort of guilting or goading technique (esp considering the tone of voice she used) to make me do something, but she effectively neuters any case I can make by simply saying I took it the wrong way and therefore I was the one who escalated, not her.

At this point, I feel like I'm being gaslighted, which makes me feel even more like I'm being walked all over. At this point, I just shut down. I can tell that she's not going to give in, nor will I.

Of course, all of this explanation is from my POV. She may have a POV that is just as valid. Maybe she's resentful about something, maybe she was just having a bad day. Either way, I never get that far in the discussion because once the blame is placed squarely on me, I don't want to talk anymore.

So what's a good way to handle that? I realize that one or the both of us are acting childish, selfish, and spoiled.


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## FemBot

I still argue the big points but TRY t be nice about it. I don't let all things slide but honestly not all arguements should be a battle of wills because it's obviously about winning at all costs. In that situation someone ends up being the loser kwim? It really depends on the arguement whether I dig my heels in or not. Usually if I won't budge I will sleep on it or not talk about it for a bit to reflect on what my H is saying. I chose him as my H because he is a good, moral man so sometimes I just need to trust his opinion.

Obviously every situation and every partner is different though..


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## FemBot

Ok just read your recent example. I have been that wife! It was all about disrespecting my H and not trusting his word. Does she have reason to not trust your word? I had plenty if reasons not to trust my H when he said "I'll do it later" and it never came. Luckily we were able to talk about it and I started to trust his word and by trusting him more I was able to let things go and not be so angry. He in turn, stepped up because I was respecting him more.


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## Convection

Dave, two points from the old Marduk post that work for me, when I have the patience to apply them:

1) Fight different. Marduk posted that he refused to be drawn in and spoke slowly and deliberately. In the trash-tossing incident, I woulld let my wife stew and kvetch all she wanted, while I enjoyed the endorphin high from my workout. She can be ina bad mood; that doesn't mean I will. After all, she's only making herself unhappy, and for no real reason. I'd carry on happily. My wife would eventualy get over herself. From what you've written, I suspect your wife would escalate. If she did, square your shoulders, maintain eye contact, and say, "I am not okay with the disrespectful way you are talking to me, especially over this non-issue. Knock it off." And walk away. If she insisted on continuing, start to de-prioritize her love languages. My wife can tell instantly when I am pissed at her, because I won't touch her (she loves Physical Touch). Not knowing your wife, I can only speculate on how this works but either way, it has the benefit of leaving you cool, collected, and in charge of your own happiness for that moment.

2) Pick your battles. Marduk said he let his wife off for minor annoyances and it made things easier. When I do this, my wife is quicker to back down when I draw a line in the sand because I do it infrequently. 

I am sure not perfect at following these myself, but when I can even semi-consistently, it is amazing how well it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

Convection said:


> Dave, two points from the old Marduk post that work for me, when I have the patience to apply them:
> 
> 1) * Fight different. Marduk posted that he refused to be drawn in and spoke slowly and deliberately. In the trash-tossing incident, I woulld let my wife stew and kvetch all she wanted, while I enjoyed the endorphin high from my workout. She can be ina bad mood; that doesn't mean I will. * After all, she's only making herself unhappy, and for no real reason. I'd carry on happily. My wife would eventualy get over herself. From what you've written, I suspect your wife would escalate. If she did, square your shoulders, maintain eye contact, and say, "I am not okay with the disrespectful way you are talking to me, especially over this non-issue. Knock it off." And walk away. If she insisted on continuing, start to de-prioritize her love languages. My wife can tell instantly when I am pissed at her, because I won't touch her (she loves Physical Touch). Not knowing your wife, I can only speculate on how this works but either way, it has the benefit of leaving you cool, collected, and in charge of your own happiness for that moment.
> 
> 2) Pick your battles. Marduk said he let his wife off for minor annoyances and it made things easier. When I do this, my wife is quicker to back down when I draw a line in the sand because I do it infrequently.
> 
> I am sure not perfect at following these myself, but when I can even semi-consistently, it is amazing how well it works.


This^^^is what worked for me.
Point #1 is the basic rule for escaping that dynamic.
That dynamic is called the " Drama Triangle."
Anytime you are part of that triangle, the problem can never be solved, and things can only escalate. You must first be able recognize the dynamic at play and remove yourself from the triangle.

_*"..No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."*_
Albert Einstein.


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## SimplyAmorous

Davelli0331 said:


> Sure. The other day I come in from work, go on a run, then come in and take a shower. I walk into the living room exhausted and plop down on the couch. As soon as I'm seated, my W asks me to take out the trash in the kitchen. Being tired, I say I'll do it later. My W then raises her voice, throws down whatever was in her hand, and says, "Fine! I'll go take it out myself!"
> 
> I take out the trash all the time. I've never had a problem with it. I didn't refuse to do it then, I just wanted to rest a few minutes. However, by reacting the way she did, now my W has escalated it from simply "taking out the trash" to "who is going to get their way". At that point, it's now a battle of wills. I refuse to be treated that way, so I won't give in. She doesn't think she did anything wrong, so she won't give in. We each dig in harder to our positions until eventually it's now this epic argument that represents a power struggle.
> 
> It's retarded as all get out, but that's a good example of these disagreements we get into. They're not nearly as frequent as they once were, this is probably the first time in a couple months that it's happened.


 I have heard so many stories of out & out  over "taking out the trash" it kinda blows MY mind... for instance... 

A friend of mine....1st of all she is an "Acts of service" woman, and feels loved by his during his share of chores around the house -the trash being one of them (I've never felt this was a bother- so I can hardly relate to this)... for her, she would allow this to build & build....when he didn't do it... it got to the point... she would start to allow it to over flow in her kitchen, then complain about him allowing their kids to pull the trash down on the floor...... I was thinking......"why don't you just take it [email protected]#" .....Let this one go...ya know.. it's like pulling teeth. Work on something else.. 

A nice compromise that all should be able to live with - would be...whoever notices it FULL 1st should just take the incentive to take it out... simple... but I guess that too might get argued about - one might not feel it is FULL, the other would argue it was... you know if it could happen, IT WOULD - in some marriages. 



> A couple days later, I go to talk about it with her. Her response is that it's my fault that it escalated because I took the *"fine, I'll do it myself*" comment personally, which was not her intent. *I counter that anyone would take that comment as some sort of guilting or goading technique (esp considering the tone of voice she used) *to make me do something, but she effectively neuters any case I can make by simply saying I took it the wrong way and therefore I was the one who escalated, not her.


 She clearly gave some "ATTITUDE" there.... to deny this is to deny reality ....come on... at least she can admit this...she knows she was not happy when she approached you or when she walked away from you and did it herself... 

She could have accepted you doing it in a little bit...and let it drop... but would you ....as FemBot was explaining her husband would always let her down. This is important too, to keep our every word, to build that trust. And when we fail, to apologize. 

Also apologize when we loose it in a huff...Had she apologized for her attitude..realizing you just got back, she could have waited, asked you in a nicer way after you caught your breathe... that night would have had a whole different outcome...Spirits brighter towards each other. All it takes is a little humility... 

I can get HUFFY in a moment, all of us women CAN (PMS anyone?).... but can we make it up to our men? Hell yeah.. I tell my husband I am sorry when I get a little out of sorts... and ya know.. he appreciates that!! 

He does the same to me... (cause we all miss it when we are having that bad day)... his computer crashed today & he is changing brake shoes... if he gives a bit of an attitude (which he hasn't)... I'd understand. I can always count on him saying something later with an apology..he is wonderful like that.. it keeps us fine tuned...



> Of course, all of this explanation is from my POV. She may have a POV that is just as valid. *Maybe she's resentful about something, maybe she was just having a bad day*. Either way, I never get that far in the discussion because once the blame is placed squarely on me, I don't want to talk anymore.


 Yes... it could be something else entirely...sometimes that is the case too.... and the trash is just the "outlet" ....



> *Convection said*: I suspect your wife would escalate. If she did, square your shoulders, maintain eye contact, and say, *"I am not okay with the disrespectful way you are talking to me*, especially over this non-issue. Knock it off." And walk away. If she insisted on continuing, start to de-prioritize her love languages


 I feel your looking into her eyes and telling her you don't care to be talked down to like that.. feeling you have to JUMP right now - would be Ok to say to her. Hopefully she can see she went a little overboard in her "anxiousness". 

My husband did this once when I was TELLING him to vacuum for Thanksgiving real quick cause his family was ready to show up, he told me outright he wasn't going to go it, he didn't like my attitude.. This would never be a normal response from a woman, but I am odd.. I got closer and KISSED him for that... because he told me "what for"..I deserved that ....I needed an attitude adjustment... He felt validated..then he happily vacuumed for me... I'm not stupid!

Couples gotta be able to see where they are missing it - even in the moment..


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## CharlieParker

This morning wasn't a typical morning schedule wise. We got on each other's nerves and got a bit snippy. Minor and I knew I should let it go but I was stewing, should I drop it or not (is that too much TAM?). I was a bit slow to get out of the car, trying not to get angry. She says "past, come here" and leans in and applies a big kiss. Good communication on her part, issue dropped.


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## john117

Communication is worthless without the ability to, and the desire to, compromise.


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## forevermemorable

Without communication, a relationship and marriage is doom to fail! Communication is the crux be which you can live and survive with each other. Every single failed marriage is a direct result of a lack of communication or no communication!

A lot of people play these games in marriage. The game of "You hurt me, so I am going to hurt you back." or "You did me wrong, so I am going to resent you." Its simply childish, from people who never grew up or learned the right way to communicate and treat another with respect. The TAM forum is full of individuals who have been scared and have nothing but ill-will towards anyone and everyone (and the answers reflect as so). Marriage is NOT a game, but about commitment. Yes, things will go south! Yes, you will experience great difficulty from time-to-time...you work through it, not throw it away and find another screwed up person with more problems than you.

There are so rare few exceptions, but first marriages will and are ALWAYS the best! I don't care what others opinions are about this...I am dogmatic about this. I have known too many people with failed marriages and who have been married multiple times to know that their first marriage was always the best for them and it just gets worse down the line. Also, statistically speaking, first marriages are always the best. Communication is the key for the success of any and all marriages!

I want to recommend a book called, "Love and Respect." It paints a great understand and picture of how to communicate effectively with each other in a marriage. It shows that women have a set of pink glasses and view it one way and men have a set of blue glasses and view things a different way, but both views through their respective lenses are valid. Its about hearing (communicating) how the other person sees it, listening, understanding, and finding common ground to understand each other. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus...truly they are, but you can visit each other's planet and get to know how that planet works in the solar system...or you can stay isolated and to yourself.


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## SimplyAmorous

forevermemorable said:


> I want to recommend a book called, "*Love and Respect."* It paints a great understand and picture of how to communicate effectively with each other in a marriage. It shows that women have a set of pink glasses and view it one way and men have a set of blue glasses and view things a different way, but both views through their respective lenses are valid. Its about hearing (communicating) how the other person sees it, listening, understanding, and finding common ground to understand each other. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus...truly they are, but you can visit each other's planet and get to know how that planet works in the solar system...or you can stay isolated and to yourself.


This is an excellent Book .. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs:  I don't have it but friends of ours taught a Marriage Class with this book... we talked about it one day...I'd like to add this one to my growing Library for sure. 



> There are so rare few exceptions, but first marriages will and are ALWAYS the best! I don't care what others opinions are about this...I am dogmatic about this. I have known too many people with failed marriages and who have been married multiple times to know that their first marriage was always the best for them and it just gets worse down the line.


 I have an exception .....My Parents marriage (their 1st)... irregardless of communication, OH they communicated [email protected]#$% -- they just had NOTHING in COMMON...he loved the country/ she the city... he a Homebody/ her NOT ...couldn't stay home & be content.... he more Old fashioned/ her taking little to no pleasure in being a wife/ Mother....He more Logical/ common sense, even this rubbed her the wrong way .....she saw passion & had compassion on things he would probably have put in jail... I remember the fights.... that needed to END...both wanted OUT... (yeah My Mother was off her rocker, too much of a free spirit, not cut out for marriage one might say)

My father went on to Marry her best friend. ...beautiful communication, Respect, Romance, compatibility...a superb example TO ME (and I say this not even liking the woman in my teens, she was rough on me! )...... If I learned anything from my parents..... it is to NEVER JUMP in too fast with a person, without knowing what makes them TICK and finding that sweet compatibility/ chemistry ..which can carry you in a marriage , during even the hardest of times ..


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## Wiserforit

Davelli0331 said:


> I don't like to talk about these disagreements after the fact because the "don't budge even an inch" mentality permeates _those_ discussions, too. These discussions literally end up with each of us outlining our own side and why the other one is wrong.
> 
> Any tips on how to deal with that? I know that the real answer is to put your ego aside, but how does one put his or her ego aside without feeling like one is being steamrolled over?


Hi *Dave*. Sure do.

First of all, agree on a time to sit down together and talk about how you have arguments. Once you have done so, don't begin by discussing an argument that you have had because all that will do is re-start the argument.

The most important rule you guys are breaking is acknowledging the feelings of the other person. Even if you disagree with someone, the ability to acknowledge and show empathy for their side is going to make huge strides in diffusing anger.

Both of you need to listen to the other's point of view and then be able to state it back to them in your own words, and get it exactly right instead of turning it into an insult like "you feel this way because you're selfish and stupid."

When she says that you take things the wrong way for example: this is a manipulative blame-the-victim act of war. It is the exact opposite of what she should be doing. 

If either spouse refuses to state the position of the other then we are dealing with the kind of selfish childishness that destroys marriages. 

If you can get her to agree on this one principle, then write it down and pin it to the wall somewhere that it can be referred to in the heat of any moment: look at what you agreed to do honey. I had to do this with my wife on a very important agreement I knew she was going to try evading when she was a teenager. Sure enough, having it there on the back of the bedroom door forced her to stick with an agreement she had made, and there was no wiggle room for disagreement over the exact wording of the agreement. 

Then practice it. You go first. Pick an argument. Show her you can state her side of things and ask her if you have it right. Make sure you get it perfect. Then the agreement is you set that side of the argument down and never come back to it. Finished and done. Then her turn. She has to do the same thing and state your side. Then do nothing else. Don't think you are going into it for resolution of the argument. What you are doing is practicing showing empathy instead of being so intransigent about forcing yourself on the other person.


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## SimplyAmorous

Wiserforit said:


> If you can get her to agree on this one principle, then write it down and pin it to the wall somewhere that it can be referred to in the heat of any moment: look at what you agreed to do honey. I had to do this with my wife on a very important agreement I knew she was going to try evading when she was a teenager. Sure enough, having it there on the back of the bedroom door forced her to stick with an agreement she had made, and there was no wiggle room for disagreement over the exact wording of the agreement.
> 
> Then practice it. You go first. Pick an argument. Show her you can state her side of things and ask her if you have it right. Make sure you get it perfect. Then the agreement is you set that side of the argument down and never come back to it. Finished and done. Then her turn. She has to do the same thing and state your side. Then do nothing else. Don't think you are going into it for resolution of the argument. *What you are doing is practicing showing empathy instead of being so intransigent about forcing yourself on the other person.*



I like this.... then there is Listening, truly Listening.....too often when one is talking, we are already playing out our defense..Listening Skills - The 10 Principles of Listening 



> 5. Empathise
> Try to understand the other person’s point of view. Look at issues from their perspective. Let go of preconceived ideas. By having an open mind we can more fully empathise with the speaker. If the speaker says something that you disagree with then wait and construct an argument to counter what is said but keep an open mind to the views and opinions of others.
> 
> What is Empathy?


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