# Does your spouse love you more than you love yourself?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you feel like this? Like no matter what you do, your spouse still believes in you?

I feel like this. I try to be as transparent as possible with dh, sharing all my feelings with him, even the unkind and hurtful ones. Even when I say hurtful things, he doesn't seem to hold it against me. He doesn't take it personally. He feels sorry for me that I can get so angry. He doesn't like to see me suffering that way.

Is your spouse like this? How?

And why do you think they are this way? Is it inborn, or did they develop this capacity for loving?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My husband definitely loves me more than I love myself. I recognize that I have serious limitations in many emotions.He sees me as completely amazing and wonderful. I don't know what caused him to be this way with me.He certainly wasn't like that with previous partners from what I understand.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thanks, SB. Maybe it is just a matter of being with the right person?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maybe...it certainly takes a special kind of man to deal with me


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's fascinating that your husband feels sorry for you when you get angry and actually sees your anger as a sign of suffering. I think more people should try seeing certain types of anger this way.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> Do you feel like this? Like no matter what you do, your spouse still believes in you?
> 
> I feel like this. I try to be as transparent as possible with dh, sharing all my feelings with him, even the unkind and hurtful ones. Even when I say hurtful things, he doesn't seem to hold it against me. He doesn't take it personally. He feels sorry for me that I can get so angry. He doesn't like to see me suffering that way.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have been married for 18 years and I've seen her get angry only a couple of times. I think I can count them on one hand, and there would still e fingers remaining.
But her weakness lies in another area.

Does she love me more than I love myself?
No doubt about that, that's why I married her even though at that time I wasn't " crazy" all over her. She took a huge gamble in marrying me and I am eternally grateful to her for it.
Reciprocity is how I show my gratitude.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes, my wife is like that. I say stupid stuff sometimes and she lets it go. she the biggest sweetheart I ever knew and she's like that with everybody.

She sometimes tells me "honey I hope I go before you because I don't think I can handle life without you....".

I have this fear that she will wake up and see my faults and change her mind about me. It's just too good to be true. My past relationships have gone awry eventually. My paranoia makes me think someday she won't love me like she does now.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

jld said:


> Do you feel like this? Like no matter what you do, your spouse still believes in you?
> 
> I feel like this. I try to be as transparent as possible with dh, sharing all my feelings with him, even the unkind and hurtful ones. Even when I say hurtful things, he doesn't seem to hold it against me. He doesn't take it personally. He feels sorry for me that I can get so angry. He doesn't like to see me suffering that way.
> 
> ...


I feel like this. She believes in me way more than I believe in myself. I tell her all my feelings now, the last 3 weeks and believe me there are some crazy ones. She has taken them very well and examined her self a lot and thanks me. I think she could be this way as well. Puts everyone elses feelings first. 
I think it is developed.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Does she love me more than I love myself?
> No doubt about that, that's why I married her even though at that time I wasn't " crazy" all over her. She took a huge gamble in marrying me and I am eternally grateful to her for it.
> Reciprocity is how I show my gratitude.


Thank you so much for saying this, because this has always been one of my biggest concerns. I feel like dh loves me more than I love him (not saying that about you with your wife, just me personally), really more than I am able to love anyone, period, including myself.

CM, I get the impression that your wife meets a lot of different needs in you. She seems like the stronger one in the relationship. Is that true? I am not saying you are weak, but she seems to shore you up. This is what dh does for me.

I wasn't "crazy all over" dh, either. I just had this incredible trust.

I swear to God the man married beneath himself. I don't deserve him, and I have told him that how many times. And he still loves me and thinks such great things about me. 

And his actions to me -- just so much compassion. He never leaves the room when I am screaming. Just wouldn't even think of it. He and I could not believe men did that when we first read about it on marriage forums a few months ago. Dh knows that is when I am most vulnerable, and need his strength.

And I am ashamed to say it, but sometimes I feel attracted to other men. I feel like it is so wrong, esp. when dh does not look at porn and always tells me I am the only woman who makes him hard. I am sure it is true. He is always respectful to women, but never threatening in any way. 

I always tell him when I feel attracted to another man, even if it is just someone I see at the grocery store. I feel like that takes the power out of it. And dh just laughs and tells me I am a silly girl with a big imagination. And he is right.

And he never feels threatened. He just totally trusts me, and this helps me trust myself. It's like knowing he just totally believes in me makes me feel like I may have "bad" thoughts, but I will not act on them. And I think the fact that I am totally transparent with him helps on all that, too. Just everything right out there on the table. Right away!

I told him recently about a feeling of attraction to another man, and he just looked at me with so much compassion. I said, doesn't that make you angry? I should not feel that way about someone besides you! 

And he said he was not worried at all about my feeling attracted to someone else. He said he just felt bad for me that I felt so tortured about it. What is that but extreme compassion, true love?

Do you know how hard it is to be married to someone so pure? Do you know how guilty and inadequate I feel?

I think I probably expect too much from myself. A few friends have said they sometimes feel attracted to men other than their husbands, too. And from what I read here, it is normal. But I feel like dh sets such a high standard from his own example, and I wonder why I cannot be just like him. I feel like he deserves a woman just as good as himself. 

I just feel it is not enough not to _act_ on feelings; it is wrong to even _have_ the feelings.

But probably dh would say I bring different, but equally valuable things to the relationship. And that is probably true.

And he just does not sweat my anger. Just does not rock his core. And we just stand in puzzlement over the folks who believe as a matter of principle, it seems, that a man should leave the room when his woman is tantrumming. Just can't get over that.

And just to make this the longest post ever -- on reciprocity -- I just try to be as good to him as I can be. And I apologize when I fail, and then just get up and try again. I feel like it is really all I can do. And he seems fine with this. He doesn't hold grudges. 

Can anybody relate to this? Surely I am not the only one! 

I feel so embarrassed to post this, but heartfelt posts like this from other people are usually the ones that are the most helpful and thought-provoking to me when I read them. You know, the really honest, raw ones.

And really, I feel better just getting it all out. Whew!


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

jld said:


> Thank you so much for saying this, because this has always been one of my biggest concerns. I feel like dh loves me more than I love him (not saying that about you with your wife, just me personally), really more than I am able to love anyone, period, including myself.
> 
> CM, I get the impression that your wife meets a lot of different needs in you. She seems like the stronger one in the relationship. Is that true? I am not saying you are weak, but she seems to shore you up. This is what dh does for me.
> 
> ...


I totally relate to this. We have been discussing this over the last week. My wife had a pretty wild past. Before marriage, all through her teen years. I did not know her then. She still feels guilty about it all. She thinks I'm the pure angel. We have talked about it just the other day, very emotional for her. She felt I look down on her for that and worries what I think of her. I just told her she is pure with me as far as I'm concerned. I didn't know you but I forgive you and do not hold it against you. She said she wished she could be as perfect as me. Of course I'm not perfect. So that made her feel guilty and indequate.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My XW? In only two words: Hell, No!*


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

cjl said:


> I totally relate to this. We have been discussing this over the last week. My wife had a pretty wild past. Before marriage, all through her teen years. I did not know her then. She still feels guilty about it all. She thinks I'm the pure angel. We have talked about it just the other day, very emotional for her. She felt I look down on her for that and worries what I think of her. I just told her she is pure with me as far as I'm concerned. I didn't know you but I forgive you and do not hold it against you. She said she wished she could be as perfect as me. Of course I'm not perfect. So that made her feel guilty and indequate.


How do you help her with this?

I cannot tell you how many times dh has told me, "I am not a perfect man." But it seems that way.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

jld said:


> How do you help her with this?
> 
> I cannot tell you how many times dh has told me, "I am not a perfect man." But it seems that way.



This has been new to us. We talked about it at the beginning of our marriage but that was 13-14 years ago. We recently have taken our marriage to another step so it has come up a few times. What do I tell her? That I do have faults. My fault is not always telling her the thoughts and feelings I have. When I don't it makes it seem like nothing bothers me but that is far from the truth. I have lots of things that bother me, I just don't show them like I should. My team at work think I'm as cool as a cucumber but I just hide it well. I was doing that with her too but it finally got to me and I had to pour out my soul. What a surprise to her about some things. I don't know if this is your situation but mine was I loved and love her so much that I didn't let anything bother me that she did. Some things did bother me but I tucked them away and tried to lie to myself by saying it's okay I can deal with it.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Yeah, she absolutely does. So often, she overlooks the flaws I see in myself and focuses on the good. But you know what? I do the same for her. Probably why mesh together so well: we both care about the other person more than ourselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I asked my dh to read this thread. He is over in Germany right now, but I hope he will call me in a few hours and tell me what he thinks.

I really appreciate your post, cjl. I just don't think things really bother my dh, though. He really does take things in stride. I don't get the feeling he stuffs things. 

But I will ask. Maybe I am wrong. It would be pretty sad that with nearly 21 years together, I could not read him.

One thing he told me once explains a lot, I think. I had gotten mad at him, and told my brother about it. My brother got mad at me for yelling at dh!  

So when dh came home, I told him what my brother said, and asked what he thought. Dh said, "I hear your words, but I know your heart."

I think we each feel the other genuinely has a good heart. And when you feel that, it is easy to overlook a lot of what feels like surface stuff.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

jld said:


> Do you feel like this? Like no matter what you do, your spouse still believes in you?


No. And I'm sure he would say "no" too.

He has a history of cheating (which is a* Huge* "doesn't love me" dagger) and I don't trust him/"believe in him".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

(((Blonde)))


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thanks jld. You're a peach. I needed that hug today


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What's wrong, sweetheart? Or feel free to pm me if you feel more comfortable.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

It's complicated to explain- tons of history- but we had a bad few days and your topic triggered tears because it is so-not-my-life...

((((sigh))))

But I appreciate your talking about your M, jld. Restores hope that M can be good.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blonde said:


> It's complicated to explain- tons of history- but we had a bad few days and your topic triggered tears because it is so-not-my-life...
> 
> ((((sigh))))
> 
> But I appreciate your talking about your M, jld. Restores hope that M can be good.


Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I know life can be so hard. And I see so much of my oldest sister's life in yours. So sorry, Blonde.

If it makes you feel any better, her marriage has become, well, passable, after 45 years (married before I was born--big Catholic family). I don't think he goes after other women anymore, now that he is in his 60s. And she loves her grandchildren so much. Visits them all the time.

I would love to talk more with you, any time you want. I hear the pain in your heart. I wish I could heal it. I know God wants it healed. I believe God (as I understand God) loves you, and all of us, so much.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

No, I don't feel that my spouse loves me more than I love myself. He loves me tremendously, don't get me wrong- his world is built on our marriage and family. I have no doubt that he would take a bullet for me. 

I have pretty good self esteem. I love myself, too. I don't have a sense of whether he loves me more or less than I love myself. Although I have MANY many MANY flaws, and still a LOT of self-improvements to make, I have a full self-love cup (thanks, therapy and a lot of work!) If I were to compare my own self-love "vessel" against a vessel filled with his love for me, they would be pretty equal, I think both would be full.

What I can say is, DH loves the parts of me that I am not so fond of. I usually succeed in forgiving myself for those things, when I lose control of them and they show up. He loves me even at my worst. I really dig that about him. His care is very healing and comforting to me.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I couldn't answer this question. I realize I never give much thought to loving myself. I try to be the best wife and Mommy I can be and to love and care for my H and baby. I love them both SO MUCH and I guess I don"t put much thought into loving myself. I guess thats bad? I dont know... but Im very happy with my life except for AWFUL times like this when my H is gone. I wonder if I will ever shake this feeling that when he is gone he is gone out of my life temorarily and I miss him like that. I dont know why I cant seem to get use to this. Having a baby does help but it oddly seems like shes a little blue too.

/end pity party/

Anyway JLD my H is not like yours at all when I get angry (just thought about the fact the last time was about a year ago). If I yell he gets the attitude of "I dont know who you think you talking to." He feeĺs like he doesnt yell or curse at or talk disrespectfully to me so I shouldnt do it to him. To his credit he really gets more exasperated than mad. Like the time he ask me to pày the bills while he was gone for 2.5 weeks and I forgot and we ended up getting late notices and fees. He had a spotless credit record befòre then and end up spending lots of phone time trying to keep his record clean. He just shook his head and kept saying it is what it is dont worry about it but I know he was SO upset.

I know my husband loves me though. But if I counted the ways this already long post would become unreadable. LOL


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dh called from Germany. We talked a little before he went to bed. He said he does not keep resentments inside. He said it really doesn't bother him, how I carry on sometimes, because he believes my heart is good. 

I am going to ask him again, because what I think he means is that it irritates him a little at the moment, but he knows it will pass, and he has the patience to wait for that, and just love me through it.

The other thing he said, which I had not heard before, is that he feels it is very important to stay emotionally connected to me, especially since he is gone so much. He said that by doing that he can help me feel secure, or at least less insecure. It has been a little while since I talked to him, so I can't exactly remember the words.

Dh takes responsibility for this marriage. He sees it as his responsibility to help me feel secure. He doesn't say go do it yourself, it's your problem. He's okay to be "bothered" to deal with my emotional needs.

I know not everyone needs this. RoseAglow does not. But I sure appreciate it. I think all the care he gives me, all the sensitivity, is paid back to him. 

But he started it. He loved me first.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

jld said:


> Dh called from Germany. We talked a little before he went to bed. He said he does not keep resentments inside. He said it really doesn't bother him, how I carry on sometimes, because he believes my heart is good.
> 
> I am going to ask him again, because what I think he means is that it irritates him a little at the moment, but he knows it will pass, and he has the patience to wait for that, and just love me through it.
> 
> ...


You and your DH sound like a very sweet, very loving couple, jdl. 

I don't want to make an impression that I don't need my DH to meet my emotional needs- I totally do! Like you said, it's just different types for different types. We all have different emotional needs, and even people who have the same ones often need them to be met differently (the good Dr Harley told me that himself on his radio show once in response to an email I sent.) 

It;s clear from your posts and how you write about about your husband that you guys are an incredible fit for each other. It sounds like you've built a wonderful life, where you are both getting what you need from each other. You two really sound like you are experts at meeting the other's emotional needs-there is an abundance of love between you two. I don't think it gets much better than that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hey, thanks a lot, Rose. That was really sweet.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

She does because she apparently sees more in me than I am capable of. This was not always the case but hindsight is 20/20 I guess.


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