# What to do about her affair?



## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Let’s see, where to start. I am currently deployed away from home, and have been for over 7 months now. Both my wife and I are in the military, although she is back home in the States, in our house, with our two boys, S8 (my stepson) and S6. We’ve been married for almost 7 years, and together for almost 8. This is the first time we’ve been separated for more than a week. Anyways, to elaborate on my situation, my wife and I have always had a good relationship with each other, rarely argued, loved each other in many ways, frequent sex, good/great moments with our kids and my family (her family isn’t around us). We have both been divorced before getting married to each other, with both previous marriages ended by affairs by our ex-spouse. We met shortly after both marriages ended and hit it off very well. 

Well, to detail the current situation, since I’ve been deployed, my wife and kept in contact with each other daily through facebook, skype and phone calls, where we’d tell each other about our day and talk about the kids and we’d do our best to be intimate with each other often. Like I said, I’ve been gone for over 7 months. There was a couple rough patches during those months, but we were doing well, or so I thought. At the end of May last month, my wife started acting a little indifferent towards me. I asked her what was wrong, and she proceeds to tell me that she feels our marriage is in trouble and doesn’t know if we’ll make it. I’m totally shocked by this, so I take it pretty hard and we talked through her feelings. She told me that she wasn’t happy with our marriage, just comfortable with it, and hadn’t been happy in a long time (just the week before and many times before that, she had told me how awesome of a husband and dad I am, and how she constantly brags to her friends and coworkers about me). She also said she wanted to fight for me, and she wanted me to fight for her. I wholeheartedly agreed with her, and said we would continue talking things through and would work on our marriage and fight for each other and the kids when I got back home. So that was at the end of last month (May). After that day, we go back to our normal conversations and such. A week later, I find out suddenly she has plans to go out of town, and would be attending a class and needed her friend to watch our boys. I jump in and tell her wait, let my parents watch the boys for not just the weekend, but for a whole week. That way she could get some time to herself, do some things around the house she’s been wanting to do and still go out to her class. She agrees and my parents get the boys the next day.

The next day (beginning of June now), we are still having normal conversations about our plans when I get home at the end of June, and about the kids, the house, etc. Three days before she leaves to go out of town to her class, she stops talking to me….no facebook, no phone calls….nothing. I didn’t hear from her for two days, during this time I’m worried sick something had happened to her. On the third day, I finally hear back from her by message saying she was just taking time to enjoy herself and get her mind off things. By this time, I’m already suspecting something is going on, so I check our cell phone bills…..red flags all over. She’s talking/texting this guy who lives several states away…..and has been talking to his guy since mid-April. Phone calls that lasted over 2 hours a few times, and dozens of texts almost every day. This is the time I get the sinking, sick feeling in my mind and stomach that she’s been having an EA with this guy, and it’s going to turn into a PA. This is almost like my first marriage all over again. So for three days I’m freaking out, and a wreck….and the only thing I hear from her is “I’m enjoying my time, will call later”. WTF! Somehow I lasted till the fourth day, when she is picking up the boys from my parents. 

She finally calls me and we talk….nothing is going on she said, she was by herself the entire time and she had a fun with her class and seeing the big city. She was able to explain in detail enough of what she had done that I was relieved/too excited to see several holes in her story at first. So being the dummy, I let it go and she apologized for making me worry and said she should never cheat on me, she knows what it did to me from my first marriage, and she knows what it feel like from her first marriage as well. I am overjoyed to hear her say all this, so we go back to having normal conversations…..but now there’s a lot less affection from her. Not saying I love you really, and not calling me pet names as much (honey, baby, etc). I try not to let it bother me, but it does…and I still am not seeing things clearly. A week goes by with this going on, all the while I’m acting cheerful and confident, knowing that in a few more weeks I’d be home on leave for a whole month and finally getting to sit down with my wife and kids again before having to go back to my deployment area to finish the 12 month stretch.

At the end of that week, we’re talking on Skype….she sees me being cheerful and confident, happy to see her and the kids. She has the boys go to their room and watch TV, and then she looks at me for a minute….and tells me the most painful thing I’ve ever endured “honey, you were right….I did cheat on you. You called it…he met me while I was out of town, and we had sex.” I’m floored, but for some damn reason, I didn’t freak out, I didn’t get mad, I didn’t even cry. I let her continue…she went on about how she was unhappy and this guy said all the right things to her (they started talking to each other through a game they play together with other friends of hers). She starts crying profusely, and tells me she will never forgive herself for what she did. She said what was going on in our marriage was no excuse to hurt me and do what she did. Even then, all I could say was “okay”. She said it’s not okay, what I’ve done is the most horrible thing she could have done to me. I agreed with her, but with little emotion. We talked for 3 hours….she said it was a mistake, she would stop talking to the guy, never see him again, and how much she loved me and cared about me. And all I could do was agree with her and tell her she needed to stop talking to the guy, that he used her and said all the right things to her at the weakest point in her life. She told me okay, and she wanted to keep talking to me about us and the kids, and what had happened, and figure things out. Over the next two days, we talked but only about normal things, and didn’t talk for very long. Tried to call her the next day, but no answer. She calls me the next day and only tells me “we need to talk”. Again, we get on Skype….and she hits me again with more bad news….she wants a divorce. I’m like whoa! What happened here? I asked if she was still talking to this guy, and she said yes, but it doesn’t matter, because she’s done. She doesn’t think we can fix our marriage. I’m like what the heck happened, she had told me her and this guy were through (found out later through checking cell phone records he kept calling her and they talked). At this point I’m getting very hurt/confused, but still did not get overly emotional about what she’s telling me. We talked for over an hour about why she was feeling this way, and I didn’t try to argue with her…just listened. What she said didn’t make a whole lot of sense, so at this point I’m convinced this guy is really leaning into her and pressuring her to leave me for him. I have been tempted to call up this guy and chew him out, but at this point I’m trying to regroup and make sure I don’t make any bad choices that will push my WS even further. Since that day four days ago, she’s called me every day (I don’t call her now) to “make sure I’m okay” and the kids wanting to talk to me. She’s also messaged me several times on facebook for normal conversations (work, the house, kids). Not only am I terribly confused and hurt, I am not sure what to do. I go home on leave in 6 days for a month, then have to come back here for 3 months to finish my deployment.

1. Do I expose her now or wait until I go home on leave in 6 days? (it’s going to be hard since I’m deployed) 
2.	Do I demand she end the affair, or just go 180 on her?
3.	Or do I do what has been suggested elsewhere….file for divorce and Let Her Go?

Just to be a little dramatic, I thought that if something were to happen to me over here, it’d be from a missle attack or enemy action. I’d never thought it would be my wife who would almost kill me, from half a world away….sigh. I’m am keeping strong for myself and kids though. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you want divorce or no?

You gave her a warning to not cheat yet she cheated anyway.... I'm sure you know what the best choice is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Didn't you post this very same thread before?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> 1. Do I expose her now or wait until I go home on leave in 6 days? (it’s going to be hard since I’m deployed)
> 2.	Do I demand she end the affair, or just go 180 on her?
> 3.	Or do I do what has been suggested elsewhere….file for divorce and Let Her Go?
> 
> Just to be a little dramatic, I thought that if something were to happen to me over here, it’d be from a missle attack or enemy action. I’d never thought it would be my wife who would almost kill me, from half a world away….sigh. I’m am keeping strong for myself and kids though. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.


1. Do you know who the OM is? Since you are deployed (and I assume that means overseas), then yes, it will be difficult to do anything from such a distance. However, I would suggest that you come home "with guns blazing" (figuratively speaking) and prepare yourself to take on the both of them. You see, in my opinion, the OM is taking advantage of you not being here. So is your WS.

2. Both. Demand that she end the affair AND THEN go 180. See what her response is. Respond accordingly.

3. In the end, Divorce may be the only option. Letting her go might not be your choice, but it certainly is her choice.

Somehow this all needs to be settled during your short visit before you go back. I'm sorry for the stress that this will put you through (and I thank you for your service). Even "if" there is a (pretend) reconciliation, can you ever trust her again? If not, then you know you have to think about a divorce. You can worry about her while you are overseas.

I am truly sorry that you have to deal with this.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> Do you want divorce or no?
> 
> You gave her a warning to not cheat yet she cheated anyway.... I'm sure you know what the best choice is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not want to divorce her, even after all of this. I know somewhere in the fog she's in my "wife" is in there somewhere....I saw her come out of the fog when she told me the truth (or so I hope). It's this other guy that's in the way, I believe.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Didn't you post this very same thread before?


I did, but the information I posted then wasn't accurate and a lot has changed since then (although it's only been a couple weeks). I thought by starting over with a new thread would clear up some of the inconsistencies.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I do not want to divorce her, even after all of this. I know somewhere in the fog she's in my "wife" is in there somewhere....I saw her come out of the fog when she told me the truth (or so I hope). It's this other guy that's in the way, I believe.


I've learned that filing for divorce doesn't mean that the marriage will end up with divorce, but sometimes those papers have a way of breaking through the fog.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> 1. Do you know who the OM is? Since you are deployed (and I assume that means overseas), then yes, it will be difficult to do anything from such a distance. However, I would suggest that you come home "with guns blazing" (figuratively speaking) and prepare yourself to take on the both of them. You see, in my opinion, the OM is taking advantage of you not being here. So is your WS.
> 
> 2. Both. Demand that she end the affair AND THEN go 180. See what her response is. Respond accordingly.
> 
> ...


I do know who the OM is, but not much about him (she told me OM is married, but OM's wife moved back to her home country and they are no longer together, which has been somewhat verified. 
I agree that I should openly demand the affair end, and will start the 180. Right now I'm debating whether to call her boss (he's a really good guy and she respects him, so I think he could talk to her and figure some stuff out for us). I'm also debating whether to call her family too, so they can call her and figure out what's going on.
I hope it doesn't come down to divorce, but it might be the only thing that really wakes her up.
Yeah, I need to figure out real quick what to do. I did have a plan to go 180 on her, before she dropped the divorce talk on me. Think it's still my best option, as well as divorce preparations.
I really appreciate your support, it helps all of us that are over here deployed away from home. 
I am very hopeful if we can ever get to the point of R, we'll be fine. I do have a plan for that, for sure


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I've learned that filing for divorce doesn't mean that the marriage will end up with divorce, but sometimes those papers have a way of breaking through the fog.


I am praying this will be my case as well, if it comes down to it. Thank you for your hopeful comments!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I do not want to divorce her, even after all of this. I know somewhere in the fog she's in my "wife" is in there somewhere....I saw her come out of the fog when she told me the truth (or so I hope). It's this other guy that's in the way, I believe.


You're focusing on the wrong person though, its your wife that took the vows to be loyal to you not the other man. 

If it wasn't that guy it would have been another one, same goes for the future. Unless your wife is willing to reconcile and puts 101% in fixing herself you'll be wasting your youth brother.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

From a fellow veteran, thank you for your service.:smnotworthy:

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Run down to payroll and get your direct deposit moved to an account in your name only. A guy I was deployed with years ago sat around while his cheater wife cleaned out a bunch of his checks. Go to Legal and learn your rights. You don't have to follow through with the divorce, but you better be prepared to.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I do know who the OM is, but not much about him (she told me OM is married, but OM's wife moved back to her home country and they are no longer together, which has been somewhat verified.
> I agree that I should openly demand the affair end, and will start the 180. Right now I'm debating whether to call her boss (he's a really good guy and she respects him, so I think he could talk to her and figure some stuff out for us). I'm also debating whether to call her family too, so they can call her and figure out what's going on.
> I hope it doesn't come down to divorce, but it might be the only thing that really wakes her up.
> Yeah, I need to figure out real quick what to do. I did have a plan to go 180 on her, before she dropped the divorce talk on me. Think it's still my best option, as well as divorce preparations.
> ...


I really like your idea of calling her boss!  And her family. Before you get home. That sets the groundwork for what is to come. One thing I've learned here is that those pesky "secret" affairs have a way of derailing once exposed to the light. Great idea on both!


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

keko said:


> You're focusing on the wrong person though, its your wife that took the vows to be loyal to you not the other man.
> 
> If it wasn't that guy it would have been another one, same goes for the future. Unless your wife is willing to reconcile and puts 101% in fixing herself you'll be wasting your youth brother.


I hear you. I've contacted her boss, who she trusts and respects, and he said he was shocked about what's going on and will definitely get her to talk about it tomorrow. Now I've got to keep the ball rolling and get her family and friends to talk with her too (hopefully for the better).


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> From a fellow veteran, thank you for your service.:smnotworthy:
> 
> Sorry to hear you're going through this. Run down to payroll and get your direct deposit moved to an account in your name only. A guy I was deployed with years ago sat around while his cheater wife cleaned out a bunch of his checks. Go to Legal and learn your rights. You don't have to follow through with the divorce, but you better be prepared to.


Thanks, brother! I'm trying to do exactly that right now....having a hard time getting a new account created from over here. I will get it done though, I do appreciate your advice!


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I really like your idea of calling her boss!  And her family. Before you get home. That sets the groundwork for what is to come. One thing I've learned here is that those pesky "secret" affairs have a way of derailing once exposed to the light. Great idea on both!


I appreciate your support and advice! I'm in the process now of calling her family (who she's not really close with, except her Father), but I do believe they will have some affect on her.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I would most certainly expose her to her family and friends. I would confront her with the evidence and do the 180. I would contact a lawyer and present her with D papers and tell her that if she can not contact this OM to sign the papers. If she won't get a post nuptial agreement that if she contacts or has another PA with this man then you get what you want.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is this exactly what she said?


> she apologized for making me worry and said she should never cheat on me


I mean *exactly*?

Because if it is, that's not so much a red flag as a signal flare, potentially.

She SHOULD never cheat? Not WOULD never cheat? Oh my God. I feel so sorry for your pain.

But I think she outed herself. She may be feeling guilty, but I fear she cheated on you and your children._ "Yes kids, you stay here whilst mommy goes off and has potentially dangerous sex with strange men, half way across the country. 

"Hey, I know he might murder me and leave you without a mother, but, heck, doesn't a woman deserve a little excitement in her life?"_

Damn, sorry read the rest of the post.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

badbane said:


> I would most certainly expose her to her family and friends. I would confront her with the evidence and do the 180. I would contact a lawyer and present her with D papers and tell her that if she can not contact this OM to sign the papers. If she won't get a post nuptial agreement that if she contacts or has another PA with this man then you get what you want.


I am in the process of exposing her now. If all goes well, from tonight till all throughout the weekend, she'll get slammed with messages and phone calls from family and friends, with no time to worry about OM, just herself. I will try to get a lawyer ASAP, whether that happens now or when I get back stateside in several days. If anything, since she is in the military still, I will have her boss or an officer give her a "no contact" order that will stay in effect until the end of our divorce, if it comes to that. I will see if my lawyer can make arrangements such as you have suggested. Much appreciated!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I would expose to her family asap. Make sure know one is going to watch the kids while she is off with the POSM. Ask her if she wants to R, if yes she is to get an STD test done asap and provide it to you.

You have MC's avaliable to you. You are not the first deployed guy to have this happen. Take advantage of the MC. She should start now before you get home. Blow the doors off the POSM via phone or text and let him know that an American Military Man is not going to take any #$%^ and get out of your life.

Keep your head in the game we want you to come home to the boys. Thank you for your service


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Is this exactly what she said?
> 
> I mean *exactly*?
> 
> ...


I apologize, her words were "I would never cheat on you, and even if I did, I would tell you." Exact words......sigh. I can be so gullible!

I could definitely tell she was generally remorseful, because she cried for the entire 3 hours we talked about, made "good" decisions on saying she would end it with OM and never talk to him again, and that she would sit down and talk with me, and we would figure things out (whether we could work things out or not). That was my real wife....I hate to think about it because during that brief time since last month, it was one of the very few times I could see the real her and not question if she was being real or not. Now she's been sucked back in by OM and gosh knows what they're up to.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

mahike said:


> I would expose to her family asap. Make sure know one is going to watch the kids while she is off with the POSM. Ask her if she wants to R, if yes she is to get an STD test done asap and provide it to you.
> 
> You have MC's avaliable to you. You are not the first deployed guy to have this happen. Take advantage of the MC. She should start now before you get home. Blow the doors off the POSM via phone or text and let him know that an American Military Man is not going to take any #$%^ and get out of your life.
> 
> Keep your head in the game we want you to come home to the boys. Thank you for your service


Yeah, exposing her to her/my family as I type this. She's not going to get a chance to breathe for the next days, methinks. I had set it up to have my parents move back near her and the kids so she could have some support (friends she had that said they'd be there for her while I was gone have disppeared), but now I'm thinking I'll have my parents stay where they are. Her only close friend that she trusts with the kids, I'll be sure to contact her too.
Yeah, I've been talking to a mental health professional here, and it helps a little. I'm also talking to an MC stateside (phone conversations).
I'm very tempted to contact OM and firmly state to him that I will not tolerate his continued destruction of my family....I'm not sure if this will help my cause though....
I really appreciate your support and wanting me to come home to my boys....even through all of this, I'm still very excited to come home and see my boys and family!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I'm very tempted to contact OM and firmly state to him that I will not tolerate his continued destruction of my family....I'm not sure if this will help my cause though....


Man, do it. Let him know that you consider him a predator, and that you will do what it takes to protect your family. You don't have to yell in the phone and make a bunch of threats, but let him know by your tone that you aren't one to F**K with.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I apologize, her words were "I would never cheat on you, and even if I did, I would tell you." Exact words......sigh. I can be so gullible!
> 
> I could definitely tell she was generally remorseful, because she cried for the entire 3 hours we talked about, made "good" decisions on saying she would end it with OM and never talk to him again, and that she would sit down and talk with me, and we would figure things out (whether we could work things out or not). That was my real wife....I hate to think about it because during that brief time since last month, it was one of the very few times I could see the real her and not question if she was being real or not. Now she's been sucked back in by OM and gosh knows what they're up to.


So she lied to you, straight out. Damn.

Ask her if she realised she was cheating on her kids? Also, ask if what YOU would have had to have told them if the OM turned out to be like Ted Bundy, a straight looking good boy type who loved nothing better than to murder naive women?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Did you MC suggest talking to your base CHP? Nothing like a preacher with bars to verbaly beat your ass. I would think addressing the OM is something you should do. Keep it clean and do not threaten body harm just let him know it will not be tolerated by you. Copy your wife in on it as well!

I assume you are in the sandbox and I bet you cannot wait to get home. The hard part is you know there are problems when you get home. What is your MOS? Are you staying on base or are you out and about? I ask because I want to know you are safe and keeping your head in the game.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Man, do it. Let him know that you consider him a predator, and that you will do what it takes to protect your family. You don't have to yell in the phone and make a bunch of threats, but let him know by your tone that you aren't one to F**K with.


Yeah, you're right. It's time I took a stand on what's going, at least it'll be something I tried. Much appreciated!


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> So she lied to you, straight out. Damn.
> 
> Ask her if she thought she was cheating on her kids? Also, ask if what YOU would have had to have told them if the OM turned out to be like Ted Bundy, a straight looking good boy type who loved nothing better than to murder naive women?


I think I missed my chance to get through to her when she broke down to tell me the truth, or at least what she wanted me to hear. The only time I think reasoning with her will work is if she's in an emotional/remorseful state of mind. If I continually try to make her think about her actions, it might push her away even further.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

mahike said:


> Did you MC suggest talking to your base CHP? Nothing like a preacher with bars to verbaly beat your ass. I would think addressing the OM is something you should do. Keep it clean and do not threaten body harm just let him know it will not be tolerated by you. Copy your wife in on it as well!
> 
> I assume you are in the sandbox and I bet you cannot wait to get home. The hard part is you know there are problems when you get home. What is your MOS? Are you staying on base or are you out and about? I ask because I want to know you are safe and keeping your head in the game.


I'm not really a religious person, although I know the chaplains are there as counselors as well, not just religious figures. I believe it will help me if I seek their guidance, so yeah I think I will.
I am going to call OM and will at least leave a message, firm but no threats. I let this go on for too damn long.
Eh, I'm not quite in the sandbox, but still am considered deployed. I kind of wanted to wait until I got home to stir up the hornet's nest, but I've been persuaded that this cannot go on any further. I'm in the AF, so not outside the wire, by any means. I've got a lot of good folks over here looking after me, so they've got me covered too. I really appreciate your support!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Could you ask for compassionate leave?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> I do know who the OM is, but not much about him (she told me OM is married, but OM's wife moved back to her home country and they are no longer together, which has been somewhat verified.
> I agree that I should openly demand the affair end, and will start the 180. Right now I'm debating whether to call her boss (he's a really good guy and she respects him, so I think he could talk to her and figure some stuff out for us). I'm also debating whether to call her family too, so they can call her and figure out what's going on.
> I hope it doesn't come down to divorce, but it might be the only thing that really wakes her up.
> Yeah, I need to figure out real quick what to do. I did have a plan to go 180 on her, before she dropped the divorce talk on me. Think it's still my best option, as well as divorce preparations.
> ...




Do this immediately before she makes you the abusive H before her friends and family... The deeper the relationship gets, the harder it will be for her to get out. You can decide to R or D once she clears her head and is in a better state of mind.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Could you ask for compassionate leave?


They said it wasn't really an option unless it was in the interest of the health/welfare of spouse and/or children (which I would say this is).

I go on leave in 7 days, so I should be good (I hope).


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Do this immediately before she makes you the abusive H before her friends and family... The deeper the relationship gets, the harder it will be for her to get out. You can decide to R or D once she clears her head and is in a better state of mind.


I think she will probably attempt to paint me in a bad light...I'm no angel but I've always been there for her and the kids (except being deployed of course). I've made mistakes, didn't take advantage of opportunities, etc.....but none of that excuses her for what she's done. I'm trying to time this right where it'll start tonight and roll right into tomorrow at work, and for the rest of the weekend.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Don't talk to the other man. If you can afford it, get a PI to find his family and friends and expose to them. Other man will twist anything you say to him to use against you; talking to him has way more risk of working against you than for you.

Your wife is acting nuts. Get a voice-activated recorder before you talk to her face-to-face so you can protect yourself against false charges. Do the same if you talk to the other man, even by phone.

Stop talking to your wife until you come home. Only talk about the kids and to the kids. Tell her you have nothing to say to her, you just want to talk to your kids.

When you deal with your wife, be calm and confident.

If you can get a military order of no contact between her and the other man, do it as soon as possible.

When you get home, tell your wife that she has 15 minutes to decide whether to commit to your marriage. Let her know that if she chooses your marriage, she must meet the following conditions:

No contact with the other man. She handwrites a "no contact" letter stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking her family, marriage, and husband, which mean more to her than anything in the world, and if other man attempts to contact her again she will file harassment charges against him. She gives the letter to you to look over and then mail.

If you haven't exposed other man yet at this point because you don't know how to contact his friends and family, your wife gives you whatever info she has to help you do so. Make it your mission while you are in the states to blow up the other man's life to the extent possible. If you can hire a PI to get any dirt, past convictions, find out if he has squandered work time while talking with your wife and expose to his employer, whatever you can do (legally). Other man is a predator who likely was working on your wife's boundaries during the online game for a while leading up to your deployment and he decided to escalate it knowing you were deployed and she would be weak. He will do it again if you don't take care of him. Your situation poses the added challenge of not being able to 

She gives up all online gaming accounts. She give you access to all her communication devices and other accounts. You block other man on all devices and accounts to the extent possible. You also delete or block any other persons who aided in her infidelity. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7.

Tell your wife you cannot control her, only yourself and what your are willing to accept or not accept in your marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Begin the divorce process. See an attorney. Tell the attorney your situation and ask what you should do if you want to initiate divorce proceedings while deployed. Sign whatever papers you need to, authorize your father or mother to act as your attorney-in-fact for financial and legal documents while deployed. Remove any such authority to act on your behalf that your wife may have.

If your wife does not agree to your conditions, immediately file for divorce. You can stop it if your wife agrees to your conditions.

You may not be able to save your marriage no matter what you do. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

When you succeed in ending your wife's affair, your wife will be extremely angry. When dealing with her, always remain calm and confident. Let her know you want to go on with her and your marriage, but you are able to go on without her and you will not stay in a marriage to her while she carries on an adulterous affair. Let her know that everything you are doing is for the purpose of fighting for her and fighting for your marriage, even the divorce.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am glad to hear you are in side the wire. Just get home. Leaving a phone message may work but something in writing that your wife would see will help in dealing with her.

The Chp's are good guys and are used to dealing with a lot of this type of crap. I am aware of the NC order and that is a great idea. I know there maybe a rush of emotions when you get back. She will try to get you in the sack right away and you may want to go there. I call it reclaiming your turf. I am not sure if that is a good idea but tell her to get that STD check.

When you tell off the OM you can let him know what a low life POS he is and remind him that it is men like you that take care of business. All my best buddy and stay strong


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Don't talk to the other man. If you can afford it, get a PI to find his family and friends and expose to them. Other man will twist anything you say to him to use against you; talking to him has way more risk of working against you than for you.
> 
> Your wife is acting nuts. Get a voice-activated recorder before you talk to her face-to-face so you can protect yourself against false charges. Do the same if you talk to the other man, even by phone.
> 
> ...


I do believe I have to say what I have to say to OM, even if no good comes of it. If I state clearly what I want, and the repurcussions to him, WAS, his kid(s) and my kids, if there's any decency in that POS, he'll might at least temporarily back off. Might give me time to work some magic of my own, and get some things straight.

I'll be sure to record our conversations, especially if they get "hairy". Might come in handy later. I am confident I will be able to talk and deal with her in a non-angry, positive manner most of the time (this entire time this stuff has been going on, I have yet to raise my voice or degrade her). I would especially not degrade her.....never have during our time together. She was a wonderful wife before all this crap happened.

I know she's going to get mad at me, so not talking to her until I get home shouldn't be a problem, lol. I'll just have to find another ride from the airport.

I will think about exposing the OM....right now I think I have to concentrate on WAS....but I think I still will call/leave a message to remind him who he's dealing with.

Definitely will get a divorce attorney that deals with family cases....I want the best for my kids, no matter what happens.

You're right, I will let her know I'm fighting for her, for the kids and our marriage. I hope it's enough to get her out of the fog she's in.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

mahike said:


> I am glad to hear you are in side the wire. Just get home. Leaving a phone message may work but something in writing that your wife would see will help in dealing with her.
> 
> The Chp's are good guys and are used to dealing with a lot of this type of crap. I am aware of the NC order and that is a great idea. I know there maybe a rush of emotions when you get back. She will try to get you in the sack right away and you may want to go there. I call it reclaiming your turf. I am not sure if that is a good idea but tell her to get that STD check.
> 
> When you tell off the OM you can let him know what a low life POS he is and remind him that it is men like you that take care of business. All my best buddy and stay strong


Yeah, I know I can make it home....it's just going to continue to be a hellish ride, and even more so now that I don't know what I'm coming home to. Fortunately my family will be there (my parents, my twin brother and his family, and my sister) to help. 

I'm going to see if one of the Chp's will be available this morning....could definitely get another perspective on my sitch.

I know there's gonna be a billion things I will want to say to OM....I know whatever I do say, it should have some sort of positive impact on what's going on. I really appreciate your support, thanks!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The OM did not betray you. Your wife did.

You still want your W back? Unless she begs you and is remorseful big time, you should even think about having her back in your life


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> The OM did not betray you. Your wife did.
> 
> You still want your W back? Unless she begs you and is remorseful big time, you should even think about having her back in your life


Yes, but he's a predator.....he waited until she was at her lowest point (I'm not trying to defend my WAS, but she has a ton going against her right now). And he knew all of this...yes she was a willing participant, but in a twisted way, I feel a little sorry for her. Not enough to sit back any longer though.

Yeah, she won't be back in my life until this is fully dealt with....affair ended, no contact, my terms, counseling, etc.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Go after the OM. He didn't betray you, but like a wolf in the hen house,he is a threat,. You hunt fine threats and eliminate their ability to be a threat. Show now mercy on the OM.

As fir your wife, so much for her making a mistake. She didn't make a mistake, she made a choice.

SHe chose to cheat. She chose to lie. She chose to have sex, and it has cost her children a family.

Get that attorney working and go for full custody, you are a faithful honest person. You are who your children need in their life teaching them good values. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Go after the OM. He didn't betray you, but like a wolf in the hen house,he is a threat,. You hunt fine threats and eliminate their ability to be a threat. Show now mercy on the OM.
> 
> As fir your wife, so much for her making a mistake. She didn't make a mistake, she made a choice.
> 
> ...


I hear ya, and am working on the things you've said. Will keep y'all posted. Thanks!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

TS, you are handling this very well for things to be as they are. As for the POS, yeah reach out to him. You don't know if she told him she was D or what, but you can set that right. I think he knew, so handle your biz Bro. And, a BIG THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> TS, you are handling this very well for things to be as they are. As for the POS, yeah reach out to him. You don't know if she told him she was D or what, but you can set that right. I think he knew, so handle your biz Bro. And, a BIG THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.


Thanks! I really am not sure why I'm handling it as well as I am....it might be because I know I have changes I need to make, and the only way I can do it is if I'm strong for myself, my kids and my family. They've definitely been very supportive throughout all of my life. 

I'll handle OM as best I can, without going overboard. I'm going to try to time it just right....

Thank you for all your support, I/we greatly appreciate it!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I do believe I have to say what I have to say to OM, even if no good comes of it.


There is never a good time to contact the OM / OW. These people are smugger than smug. They think they know all about your marriage. They are also certain as the day is long that they are able to make your spouse happy when you couldn't. Communicating with them does nothing but solidify this. They will listen and take from it how little you know about the affair and use it against you.

There is no decency in a predator.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Do you believe that he is separated? It may be a another lie, so as to protect her OM. So that you didnt expose the A to his wife. Find her and expose to her also.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ST,

Keep your chin up.

And you have done well so far.

Expose, Expose, Expose. Getting the A out in the open in the light is key to stopping it.

And a call to the OM is ok but do not expect too much from a dirt bag. And sadly, your wife has turned into a wayward just like her exhusband and your exwife. I am sad for you.

But if you are willing to fight for your marriage and your family then do it.

Just realize that some of those battles will be with your wayward wife.

She is in the fog and making bad decisions.

No matter what do not give in. 

Good Luck and get home safe.


HM64


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you haven't exposed your WW to family and friends, then consider FIRST obtaining a VAR (voice activated recorder) and record a conversation with her in which she incriminates herself. Make copies of it and then distribute them to family and friends. Even if they take her side, it will be very hard for them to act comforting towards her knowing what she said to you on the recording.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> There is never a good time to contact the OM / OW. These people are smugger than smug. They think they know all about your marriage. They are also certain as the day is long that they are able to make your spouse happy when you couldn't. Communicating with them does nothing but solidify this. They will listen and take from it how little you know about the affair and use it against you.
> 
> There is no decency in a predator.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe what you're saying, but I still have to try. When WAS first told me almost a month ago that we had huge problems and she wasn't happy, she told me to fight for her and the kids. I can't sit back any longer, I intend to fight.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Do you believe that he is separated? It may be a another lie, so as to protect her OM. So that you didnt expose the A to his wife. Find her and expose to her also.


From all indications, he is separated. Obviously I can't confirm that just yet, but I am attempting to contact OMW. Hopefully something good will come of it. Thanks for the advice!


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> ST,
> 
> Keep your chin up.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the encouraging comments, it definitely helps! The process of exposing is going on as we speak; I have talked to her father (whom she admires and respects), her closest girl friend (whom she values their friendship and is old fashioned), and her boss (whom she respects and trusts). They have all pledged their support in helping my family (I asked them not to take my word for what's going on, just to talk to her and be there for her, and guide her hopefully in the right direction). I didn't want to come off as forceful or desperate, just wanted them to know that I love her and our family, and I would do anything for what's best for our family. I tried contacting a few of her other family members, but they're not reachable. Will keep trying.
I broke the news to my family....surprisingly, even though they were shocked and initially angry, they quickly saw where I'm coming from and said they'd help in any way possible. No more hiding from them!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Good luck!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ST
You are implementing a plan.

Shock and awe are your friend in this fight.
Stay strong, get this affair exposed and then deal with your wifes issues.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> ST
> You are implementing a plan.
> 
> Shock and awe are your friend in this fight.
> ...


Plan implemented! Here's an update:

So three of her closest associates/friends/family members now know what's going on. I called OM and left a message on his phone, to the effect of, do not contact my wife from now on. Her boss knows what's going on, and she now has a "no contact" order in effect against her. Any communication between her and OM will cause serious consequences to her and her career (reduction in rank, fines, court martial, possible jail time) and also will harm our families. I told him that's how much I am fighting for her and our families. I then went over it again, just so it would sink in. I also said if he cared about her and our families, he wouldn't contact her, even if she tried to contact him. I then finished with how much this is hurting her and our family and he's especially hurting my kids....if he persists I will come after him with everything I've got. Not a threat, it's just the way it's going to be.

I then called WAS to let her know where I stood on things. The reason why I did this was because I wanted her to know the "cat is out of the bag", I'm not going to sit by any longer, I won't tolerate her hurting us, our kids and our families, and I'm doing everything I can to fight for us. She said she understood, and would not contact him anymore (we'll see). She wasn't upset really, just quiet (said she didn't want to get upset while at work). She did seem put out I told her boss, her father and her friend what had been going on. I hope this was a good move on my part (I can see this possibly backfiring at some point, yikes). She said she wanted to talk more, but when she got home so she could be emotional. We'll see what happens.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

The exposure will only backfire if you let her use it as an excuse.

Do not let her. She lied. Now she has to deal with the truth.

And the truth hurts!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I believe what you're saying, but I still have to try. When WAS first told me almost a month ago that we had huge problems and she wasn't happy, she told me to fight for her and the kids. I can't sit back any longer, I intend to fight.


oh, definitely fight. Not even a question for me. Just don't give the enemy the advantage of any knowledge to use against you: that is what I'm saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't buy any rewritten version of the styory she's going to sell you. She was not unhappy before OM entered in the picture, that's when the ''problems" arised, it's simply a bunch of lies she sold herself in order to go deep into this with "dignity". A blameshifter junkie mind at work. Completely ignore any fogbable, and she will try to sell it, it's self preservation, she can't stand the thought she's a bad person with not a single excuse for becoming all she always hated so she needs to demonize you, single your shortcomings, pile up petty old afrents, rewrite the story... whatever to shift the blame off herself or at least share a portion of it. Don't accept 0,0001 inches of the blame.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Screw her being upset you told boss and others. tell her when a man's family is attacked, he would be less than a man if he didn't use everything at hand, if he valued his family. She is in the military, and under that fog, she understand that. Tell her you are fighting for her and your kids like she asked.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like your wife has gotten into something really chaotic (her own fault) I would say she probably feels really vulnerable now that you've exposed her to your entire family....it might even scar her for life....is your family at least forgiving? I wanted to mention about when you said she told you she "wanted a divorce" I think that's a bunch of crap, and she only said that because she's so far into whatever she's been in she doesn't know where to turn anymore. I agree with you, deep down, she's definitely in there somewhere....I'm not sure about the whole entangling everyone into this mess...but to each his own. I just hope and pray for you that when all this is over she is able to return to her normal self even though all this has been done.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Don't buy any rewritten version of the styory she's going to sell you. She was not unhappy before OM entered in the picture, that's when the ''problems" arised, it's simply a bunch of lies she sold herself in order to go deep into this with "dignity". A blameshifter junkie mind at work. Completely ignore any fogbable, and she will try to sell it, it's self preservation, she can't stand the thought she's a bad person with not a single excuse for becoming all she always hated so she needs to demonize you, single your shortcomings, pile up petty old afrents, rewrite the story... whatever to shift the blame off herself or at least share a portion of it. Don't accept 0,0001 inches of the blame.


It's hard for me to not take some blame for what has happened in our marriage. The issues she brought up for not being happy, I can definitely see where she's coming from. I'm not saying this was acceptable to make her decide to cheat, and I'm not saying I'm taking any blame for her decision to cheat, all I'm saying is that I do believe she was at least a little unhappy (unhappy, but comfortable, as she put it). I know now what I should have done differently, and will do to make changes, but I'm going to make the changes for me, not for her.

I know this is going to sound strange, but she has owned up to her parts of our marriage not being as good as it should have been, and I see where she is coming from. She did tell me many times of things that bothered her and issues she had with us, but I didn't really listen. Again, I do accept blame for the issues in our marriage.....I however will never, ever accept any blame for her choice to cheat.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Screw her being upset you told boss and others. tell her when a man's family is attacked, he would be less than a man if he didn't use everything at hand, if he valued his family. She is in the military, and under that fog, she understand that. Tell her you are fighting for her and your kids like she asked.


I honestly felt a little bad for getting the people involved that I did....the reasons being, they all felt really uncomfortable and it affected them deeply. Her boss didn't feel like eating today, and her friend had a bad night even though her family was coming in to town. Her dad was supportive of me, but didn't know what he could do to help. I still stand by my decision to expose the sitch to them, but do feel guilty for how much it affected them.

I did tell her that I was fighting for her and our family, and I didn't have much choice in the matter. After things calmed down a bit, she messaged me throughout the day to talk about "normal" things, such as doing stuff around the house when I go home on leave next week. I'm definitely confused by her behavior.....one day we'll have our normal conversations (minus saying I love you or showing any other affection, besides calling me honey) and she'll even call to me make sure I'm doing okay, the next day she'll either barely contact me or ignores me completely. So confused....


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Sounds like your wife has gotten into something really chaotic (her own fault) I would say she probably feels really vulnerable now that you've exposed her to your entire family....it might even scar her for life....is your family at least forgiving? I wanted to mention about when you said she told you she "wanted a divorce" I think that's a bunch of crap, and she only said that because she's so far into whatever she's been in she doesn't know where to turn anymore. I agree with you, deep down, she's definitely in there somewhere....I'm not sure about the whole entangling everyone into this mess...but to each his own. I just hope and pray for you that when all this is over she is able to return to her normal self even though all this has been done.


I pray that exposing her will not cause irreparable harm to our sitch....I know it was a risky decision, but for now it seems to have halted the contact between her and OM. I can't verify everything, but will be able to do so more when I get home. 

My family understands what I'm trying to do, and are very, very supportive of my decisions. The person that will have the hardest time with all of this will be my mother, as she is very old fashioned, and despises those who "mess with my family and kids." 

I do pray you're right about it being a bunch of crap with her saying she wants a divorce.....I really do believe this was pressure caused by OM to try to kill our marriage. That was the biggest factor for exposing....getting OM out of the picture, at least for now. 

The three times she got really emotional with me on skype, I could honestly see my old wife talking to me....and that hurts even worse. At those times she would show her guilt and anguish, and tell me she loves me so much and will always love me and care about me. The next time I would talk to her, it was pretty much like it never happened....

I am starting to second-guess my decision to expose.....I hope time will tell that I made the best decision that I could.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Just get your butt home quick man.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Mate, this advice may seem counter intuitive right now, but you are not going to indulge her, not now. Your needs take first priority, do the 180 and stop coming across as a needy little b*tch.

You need to be decisive here and if it means pushing the D button then so be it. You give in to her rewritten version of the marriage or blame shifting now and I can promise you that you most likely will go through a false R.

Bottom Line: She needs to fear your loss and see things in the light of the day for her to snap out of it, she won't be doing that if you're confused and hurt that she's ignoring you .

And honestly telling her that you're fighting for her and the family was a bad move on your part in my opinion because she's still under the impression that you're her safety net


Oh yeah and if you're doing the arse about face you need to get your arse home


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Mate, this advice may seem counter intuitive right now, but you are not going to indulge her, not now. Your needs take first priority, do the 180 and stop coming across as a needy little b*tch.
> 
> You need to be decisive here and if it means pushing the D button then so be it. You give in to her rewritten version of the marriage or blame shifting now and I can promise you that you most likely will go through a false R.
> 
> ...


I see where you're coming from, but I'm getting advice from all different angles (friends, family, professional and here) that go against each other. Some say file for divorce and see if that gets her attention, then others say filing for divorce can push everything past the point of no return. I do believe there may come a time for me to file for divorce, but (no offense) the professional advice I have received was to start parts of the 180 and go from there. It's my WAS's actions that I have to act against, not her words. If she shows me that is committed to no contact with OM, then I have a good chance of doing the parts of 180 that apply and go from there. I do believe the advice I'm being given here has worked for others, but it would be very selfish and irresponsible of me to throw everything at my sitch all at once and hope for the best. I do believe right now we are making steps toward a next step....I just don't know yet what step that may be. It will be tons easier for me to know what I will need to do once I'm home next week.

I really do appreciate your advice, and will consider it.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I understand that you hold yourself accountable for whats happened inside the marriage which is a good thing, but only she's responsible for going outside the marriage.

There comes a time for compromises and fixing things from within, but that time is during TRUE R.

Once you're home you'll definitely have a clearer picture.

All the best mate


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Now, she's mad at me. For bringing "our personal issues" to the people I exposed her to, and also for moving our money from our joint savings account into a non-joint account with only my name on it. After I confirmed to her I did it, she hung up on me and removed me from her facebook. Sigh....


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Ha, she removed you from her FB...that's all she's got? Let it bounce off man. Of course she's mad. Because you're not letting her get away without consequences. Don't second guess your decision to expose. It was the right move. Remember what she did. Picture it. And then feel confident in your reaction, because it was correct. 

Her banging OM is a "personal issue" only because it's embarrassing to her, and it's entirely brought on to herself by HER. Seriously, this will pass, one way or another. She's angry because you're not sweeping this under the rug. And if you do start sweeping to appease her, you have to know it will happen again, as deep down she'll lose respect for you as a man. Stick to your guns, man. This is tough love, you aren't being cruel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Do NOT start apologizing to her for these things in order to "keep the peace". She is accountable for her actions, so are you. The difference is your actions are justified, hers are not. So if you apologize for moving the money and exposing you basically take blame for a valid reaction. Again, this is about respect. Good luck, stay strong...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Do NOT start apologizing to her for these things in order to "keep the peace". She is accountable for her actions, so are you. The difference is your actions are justified, hers are not. So if you apologize for moving the money and exposing you basically take blame for a valid reaction. Again, this is about respect. Good luck, stay strong...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> Now, she's mad at me. For bringing "*our personal issues*" to the people I exposed her to, and also for moving our money from our joint savings account into a non-joint account with only my name on it. After I confirmed to her I did it, she hung up on me and removed me from her facebook. Sigh....



No its only her personal issue because she is embarrassed to face the other people, it happened only because she cheated, you are left with no other option other than D. She asked to fight for her and you are doing the same. BUT how long will you fight for her? 

She dont seems to be remorseful for the a true R. You may be heading for a false R be ware of that and get ready to face that also.

Dont jump into the forgiveness mode soon, she also need to fight for you to be there for her and in the marriage. What evr she says take it with a grain of salt. dont allow her to fool you again.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

ShockedTwice said:


> Now, she's mad at me. For bringing "our personal issues" to the people I exposed her to, and also for moving our money from our joint savings account into a non-joint account with only my name on it. After I confirmed to her I did it, she hung up on me and removed me from her facebook. Sigh....



Her anger is normal as now her lies and deceit are exposed. The OM is still secure as you have not affected his personal life, find his parents and sibling and let them know as well . 

When you get home stick to the line your fighting for your marriage and family . Avoid being drawn into any discussion or decision until the dust settles. Do not doubt your decision to expose , it is a processes recommended by professionals who strive to save marriages. 

As for "The personal issues" , If she is so proud of her affair all you did was let people know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I noticed your telling your wife a lot of what your doing , stop doing this. At this moment the affair is your enemy and your wife is in its camp, your revealing your strategy and giving her time to plan her next steps. Expose the OM far and wide into his family and friends as you require him to be busy covering his ass rather than supporting your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Man, this is a lot like my story. 

It seems like half the people here are deployed.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think being away is very hard. I would tell her you are committed to the marriage, she needs to be faithful and if she wants and you think you can do it, consider taking a civilian job after your tour.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> I think being away is very hard. I would tell her you are committed to the marriage.


I DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS LINE ONE BIT, ST you're just reinforcing her belief that you're her back up plan and safety net if you blurt this out to her, there is a time and a place to make compromises and start fixing things in the marriage, but that's when WW and you enter true R, until then, you do the 180 and try and gather as much evidence as discretely as possible. 

You need to do the 180 not for her, but for yourself...It will help you go a long way in healing and even if this relationship goes to the dumps, doing the 180 will ensure that you're not a wreck(Total) at the end of it all.

you need to be decisive now and put her in place :whip:


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I pray that exposing her will not cause irreparable harm to our sitch....I know it was a risky decision, but for now it seems to have halted the contact between her and OM. I can't verify everything, but will be able to do so more when I get home.
> 
> My family understands what I'm trying to do, and are very, very supportive of my decisions. The person that will have the hardest time with all of this will be my mother, as she is very old fashioned, and despises those who "mess with my family and kids."
> 
> ...


It's very clear that she still loves you. And do not doubt that she truly, deep inside does NOT want a divorce. This guy that she's talking to is like a drug for her right now...believe me. I know. It's good to get him out of the picture and exposed. 

It may seem like this will never end. But for her, so long as she can see how much you love her, it will end. (because this whole situation isn't about love for her) She will soon feel so sick about what she has done, she won't want anything to do with it ever again....once she has come back to the light, support her and love her more for it....she will need the reassurance for sure. This is scarring her, but so long as she can get out of this and after, not feel so vulnerable, she will start to heal.

Again, it might be harder for her now, just because you've exposed her (and if you're mom is old fashioned...yikes!!!) your wife will definitely feel a lot of insecurity after this, along anguish and pain for what's she's done. 

You both sound like very respectable people. And besides what she's done...by the sounds of her, she is a good woman.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I see your wife was mad at your for taking action. That is very common the WS does not want things exposed to the sunlight. It starts to strip away the fantasy and takes away her blame shifting as well.

Your WS is having a temper tantrum. Let it roll off your back it means you are taking the right steps.

I should have filed for Divorce. A few months later in R my wife admits when she really thought I would go through with it, it turned a light on with her. I should have done that sooner. I would file. You do not have to go all the way with it.

Are you sleeping, eating and taking time for yourself. You are going through some tough times you have to take care of yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There are a lot of people, especially people who've never been through this stuff, that will tell you that standing up to the affair, to call her out, to expose the lies and choices will drive her away.

they suggest waiting. They suggest being nicer. Or they suggest just giving up and divorcing and walking away. - And if you're just done with her and cheating is a deal breaker, then those are effective ways of ending the relationship. (Yes, even the being nicer - because being nice to someone in an affair only makes them see you with contempt, not desire)

IF you want to R, then I suggest you're doing the right thing. You've shown you've got self respect. You have boundaries and are willing to enforce them.

She'll try to manipulate you into backing down and letting her have her affair. she will trying being mad, when that doesn't work she'll try negotiating. Through all of it you must stay firm on the one most important thing: The OM and the affair must stop, before any good can be discussed.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ST,


Stop 2nd guessing yourself. Exposing the A and moving the money was the right thing to do. Your wayward wife has lied to you and cheated on you. She just cannot be trusted to do the right thing by you or for you at this time.

Believe it and believe in yourself.

And if you have a few hours before you go home go read Shamwow's story. He is speaking from experience and is a great example of a battered spouse getting his self esteem and respect back for himself.....

Stay strong and firm. Screw facebook.

The situation will get better when you get home. Just realize how selfish she has become and you cannot do much more until you are home.

HM64


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Ha, she removed you from her FB...that's all she's got? Let it bounce off man. Of course she's mad. Because you're not letting her get away without consequences. Don't second guess your decision to expose. It was the right move. Remember what she did. Picture it. And then feel confident in your reaction, because it was correct.
> 
> Her banging OM is a "personal issue" only because it's embarrassing to her, and it's entirely brought on to herself by HER. Seriously, this will pass, one way or another. She's angry because you're not sweeping this under the rug. And if you do start sweeping to appease her, you have to know it will happen again, as deep down she'll lose respect for you as a man. Stick to your guns, man. This is tough love, you aren't being cruel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm doing the best I can to let it bounce off of me......somehow it still stings. I know deep down I made the best decisions that I had at the time....but I do believe you are right. I shouldn't second guess what I'm I've done, what I'm trying to do.....

I do hope you're right, that this will pass.....for now, I will continue with my 180 and will not contact her. I have to be strong for me, and for my kids and family.

Again, I do really appreciate your support and advice!


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> No its only her personal issue because she is embarrassed to face the other people, it happened only because she cheated, you are left with no other option other than D. She asked to fight for her and you are doing the same. BUT how long will you fight for her?
> 
> She dont seems to be remorseful for the a true R. You may be heading for a false R be ware of that and get ready to face that also.
> 
> Dont jump into the forgiveness mode soon, she also need to fight for you to be there for her and in the marriage. What evr she says take it with a grain of salt. dont allow her to fool you again.


I do believe she is embarassed, and mad at me for exposing. I do hope in the end, this will be the beginning of the end of the affair she let happen.

Again, I do hope that I will not have to initiate D, but will do so if it's my last resort. As far as long will I fight for her.....I'm not so certain. My confidence and resolve are on thin ice as it is....

She doesn't seem remorseful right now, but has a couple times in the recent past. I know I have to take all of this into account when I deal with her, and feel that my best bet is to continue my 180 with her, and plan accordingly as we go along. I will not attempt to R with her until I know for sure she is committed to our marriage, and repairing the damage done by both of us.

I will do my best to not jump into forgiveness mode....I know in doing so, it will wreck any true R we may have, and will further degrade any chance of our marriage working out.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Oooh...She removed you from FB. Thats all she got? 

And remember, she is the one that brought other people into your family business first!!
She was destroying your family, you are trying to save it.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Her anger is normal as now her lies and deceit are exposed. The OM is still secure as you have not affected his personal life, find his parents and sibling and let them know as well .
> 
> When you get home stick to the line your fighting for your marriage and family . Avoid being drawn into any discussion or decision until the dust settles. Do not doubt your decision to expose , it is a processes recommended by professionals who strive to save marriages.
> 
> ...


I have attempted to figure out the status of OM's separated wife, and his family....nothing has come back so far. I can tell by looking at OM's facebook, he is nothing but a predator.....he has over 200 friends, and almost 200 of them are female....he sends out little messages here and there to feel people out, and strikes when is most advantageous to him. What a frigging creep....

I must admit, in my current position, it is hard not to second guess my decision to expose. But ultimately, I do feel it was the right choice.....especially because of her strong reaction to what I did. Time will tell for sure....


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> I DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS LINE ONE BIT, ST you're just reinforcing her belief that you're her back up plan and safety net if you blurt this out to her, there is a time and a place to make compromises and start fixing things in the marriage, but that's when WW and you enter true R, until then, you do the 180 and try and gather as much evidence as discretely as possible.
> 
> You need to do the 180 not for her, but for yourself...It will help you go a long way in healing and even if this relationship goes to the dumps, doing the 180 will ensure that you're not a wreck(Total) at the end of it all.
> 
> you need to be decisive now and put her in place :whip:


I do believe you are very correct....the 180 will help rebuild my confidence and strength to fight all of this. And it has already started to take affect, and makes changes. Thank you so much for your support and advice!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I have attempted to figure out the status of OM's separated wife, and his family....nothing has come back so far. *I can tell by looking at OM's facebook*, he is nothing but a predator.....he has *over 200 friends*, and almost 200 of them are female....he sends out little messages here and there to feel people out, and strikes when is most advantageous to him. What a frigging creep...


If you still have access to his page and can see his friends list you have been given a gift and should act promptly to expose him

Facebook or email template


Should be done to the OW/OM’s Facebook friends via private message. This is an effective exposure as it is a collection of the OW/OM’s closest friends and family. Space the private messages 60 seconds apart so Facebook does not shut you down for flooding the system. Copy and paste all the contacts into a word document. Change the gender as required.



> Dear friend of XXX (Full name)
> 
> It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his/her friends should know the kind of person he/she really is. XXX is having an affair with my wife/husband , (name of your spouse) YYYY, from ZZZ (month or year) until ZZZ (month or year) . I believe that his/her friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him/her. My wife/husband and I have X small children and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.
> 
> ...


To help save your marriage your job is to create a divide between your wife and the OM by making it difficult and unpleasant for them to maintain the affair. 

The intent is to force your wife out of the fog thus giving you more of a chance to work on your marriage.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> It's very clear that she still loves you. And do not doubt that she truly, deep inside does NOT want a divorce. This guy that she's talking to is like a drug for her right now...believe me. I know. It's good to get him out of the picture and exposed.
> 
> It may seem like this will never end. But for her, so long as she can see how much you love her, it will end. (because this whole situation isn't about love for her) She will soon feel so sick about what she has done, she won't want anything to do with it ever again....once she has come back to the light, support her and love her more for it....she will need the reassurance for sure. This is scarring her, but so long as she can get out of this and after, not feel so vulnerable, she will start to heal.
> 
> ...


I hope and pray every day for what you're telling me, and also believe this to be the case for her and us. I do also hope my actions will not be our undoing....

If she ever does want to R, I will be there for her as much as I can. I know deep within me that it will be a difficult road, but I also feel strongly we will make it and have a much better, deeper relationship than before. Now if I could only get her to see it...

As much as it may seem opposite to other people, my WAS is a very good woman and mother. I know her choice to be selfish and have an affair will have a lasting affect on herself and the relationships with everyone she knows, but I do hope in the end, she'll be a stronger person for it, no matter what.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

mahike said:


> I see your wife was mad at your for taking action. That is very common the WS does not want things exposed to the sunlight. It starts to strip away the fantasy and takes away her blame shifting as well.
> 
> Your WS is having a temper tantrum. Let it roll off your back it means you are taking the right steps.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I knew she would get angry with me.....I just wasn't ready for it. I guess i assumed all of the anger and anguish would come from my side, not her side.

I am doing my best to get good sleep....some nights I can only sleep for 2 or 3 hours....other nights I don't have any real issues. Eating is a whole different issue...most days I can only handle one meal, and the occasional snack. I have been hitting the gym more often, and I believe this to be a huge asset in my determination to be more confident and bringing about the new "me".


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> There are a lot of people, especially people who've never been through this stuff, that will tell you that standing up to the affair, to call her out, to expose the lies and choices will drive her away.
> 
> they suggest waiting. They suggest being nicer. Or they suggest just giving up and divorcing and walking away. - And if you're just done with her and cheating is a deal breaker, then those are effective ways of ending the relationship. (Yes, even the being nicer - because being nice to someone in an affair only makes them see you with contempt, not desire)
> 
> ...


After seeing the results of my actions, I do believe whole-heartedly your advice is dead-on. I do believe in the end, whether we R or not, this will be the best for myself and my family.

I will not allow her to continue with this affair and get what she wants.....her wants and needs are no longer my concern since she chose to have an affair. I will be strong for myself, my kids and my family.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> ST,
> 
> 
> Stop 2nd guessing yourself. Exposing the A and moving the money was the right thing to do. Your wayward wife has lied to you and cheated on you. She just cannot be trusted to do the right thing by you or for you at this time.
> ...


HM64,

I do greatly appreciate your support and encouraging words. It is definitely times like these to know I am making the right choices for myself and family, and will help strengthen my resolve to fight for my kids and for myself. Thank you!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> After seeing the results of my actions, I do believe whole-heartedly your advice is dead-on. I do believe in the end, whether we R or not, this will be the best for myself and my family.
> 
> I will not allow her to continue with this affair and get what she wants.....her wants and needs are no longer my concern since she chose to have an affair. I will be strong for myself, my kids and my family.


I suggest you go dark on her. Explain that you will not be talking with her until the affair is done and the OM is gone. Until then she's choosing to be dead to you.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

The advice you see in this forum may seem counter-intuitive but I would take it. If you read TAM for very long you see the same story over and over again, just different actors. The script is always the same. Many of these guys and gals will be able to tell you what you're wife is going to do before she does it. The advice may seem harsh at times but it usually works. We're pulling for you.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Don't explain anything, just go underground and be vigilant. Be polite as usual but come across as condescending and detached


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Shaggy: I suggest you go dark on her. Explain that you will not be talking with her until the affair is done and the OM is gone. Until then she's choosing to be dead to you.

and this .....

anonymouskitty: Don't explain anything, just go underground and be vigilant. Be polite as usual but come across as condescending and detached

:iagree::lol::iagree::lol::iagree::lol::iagree::lol:


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Just an update to my sitch....

I hadn't talked to W since yesterday morning, and didn't hear from her until this morning. She called but I didn't answer. She called again about 15 minutes later, and I answered the phone. She said my younger boy, S6, had gotten in trouble and that I should talk to him. I'm like WTF, really? That's why you called me? (This is part of her recent behavior that confuses me....one day she doesn't contact me at all or barely has any communication with me, I don't contact her either, then the next day she will make multiple attempts at contacting me and will act pretty normal like nothing is going on). 

In any case, I got to talk to both of my sons, and then we talked for a while. She also wanted to verify my flight information again so she'd know for sure when to come pick me up at the airport. Soooo confused.....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't tell her and don't let her pick you up


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Unless she stop this nonsense and start taking the initiative to fix what she broke there's no need for her to pick you up at the airport.
What's your plan once you are at home?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

when she talks like this to you (all normal and stuff) do you let the conversation carry on as normal? Or do you revert it to the cheating subject? and I would hope she's asking you what time your flight is for honest reasons. : / 
maybe she is trying to return to normal?? hmm....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, this is a confussing time, I've been there, so I know when she stop all contact with OM you will see a little more stablity. Sure there will be withdraws from her but right now she is all over the board b/c the Om is infecting her choices.

Once you get back home you will beable to take control of the sich and then it will be up to her to turn the corner and fix this mess. Or not. At least you will be more hands on and make the tough disicion that will get her to think twice.

Sorry bro I didn't read the whole thread, but my guess is she is all over the place with her emotions and the infection the OM has on the dynamics of the marriage.

I strongly suggest that you never beg for the marraige and stay confident that you can let her go....even if you can't fake it until you make it. Trust me, any sence of "you aren't going any were" will make her continue with this unhealthy behavior..even when you are home its harder, you more likely to apoligize for your wife sleeping around.

As she continues to beat your arrival date in to her fogged up head and realizes the fantasy of hers is about to end she will come around...but only when she can validat a NC w/ OM. Again thats her job to do in order to keep you around.

I'll find some time to read your thread but for now I can say after going thru this crap and reading and post to other threads for the last few years, you best approach is with confidence in letting her go (even when you don't---just don't let her know) and having the control to watch out for your self and when she asks for space, tell her you will give it to her permenently.

Its this kind of tough love/confidence that got me thru...painful and scary but any thing else will let her continue with this b*llsh*t!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

one more thing, thanks for your service, if it wasn't for you I'd have to deal with haji at my front door.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> Just an update to my sitch....
> 
> I hadn't talked to W since yesterday morning, and didn't hear from her until this morning. She called but I didn't answer. She called again about 15 minutes later, and I answered the phone. She said my younger boy, S6, had gotten in trouble and that I should talk to him. I'm like WTF, really? That's why you called me? (This is part of her recent behavior that confuses me....*one day she doesn't contact me at all or barely has any communication with me*, I don't contact her either, then the next day she will make multiple attempts at contacting me and *will act pretty normal like nothing is going on*).
> 
> In any case, I got to talk to both of my sons, and then we talked for a while. She also wanted to verify my flight information again so she'd know for sure when to come pick me up at the airport. Soooo confused.....




She don't want to contact with you may be because she dont want to discuss about her A any more, she may be afraid to face her infidelity and want to rug sweep it with out any more consequences. She knows if she contact you, you will ask her questions and she will have to answer, she don't want this.

She want you to get over this without much discussions and want everything to be normal as early as possible so she is acting normal, 

or she may be doing a partial 180 on you as she already knows you want to R.

Dont allow this to happen, She was once in the shoes of a BS before your marriage so she know what kind of pain it can cause to BS,she already seen the consequences as she D her ex H, still she decided to cheat on even after knowing the consequences and pain it can cause means some thing is really broken with her, don't allow her to rug sweep, she should get a good IC and deal with her **** first before you are in R, else she will do it again.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> I do also hope my actions will not be our undoing....


Any undoing will be because of her actions...she put the marriage in jeopardy and you're doing your best to save it.It's hard for anyone to take a crash course on what to do to save their marriage,but especially for you considering where you are.You're only doing what you need to do.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Don't tell her and don't let her pick you up


If I'm going to get to the bottom of what's going on back home, I should let her pick me up. Besides, I have to go home at some point....I'm not going home to avoid her and what's going on between us. I have to hit this head-on....


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Unless she stop this nonsense and start taking the initiative to fix what she broke there's no need for her to pick you up at the airport.
> What's your plan once you are at home?


At this point, I don't know what she wants....and I don't think she knows what she wants right now either. I have to be strong and direct from the very moment I'm back home, or else no good will come of my situation. I honestly believe that....

I'll have to wait and see her actions to know how I need to react.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> when she talks like this to you (all normal and stuff) do you let the conversation carry on as normal? Or do you revert it to the cheating subject? and I would hope she's asking you what time your flight is for honest reasons. : /
> maybe she is trying to return to normal?? hmm....


For the most part, it was recommended I listen carefully to what she's saying to me, so I do let the conversations carry on as normal. I do not bring up the affair stuff unless she does, which has happened only twice (when she was remorseful). Unless you count a couple days ago when I exposed the A, then yes, that was me.

I do believe she asked for my flight info for honest reasons....she's made it clear she wants to be there to pick me up, although at this point I'm not sure if she has an agenda or if she is trying to keep things as normal as possible. Trust me, I'm not going to allow her to rug sweep on me any more. I'll try to keep y'all updated.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> Ya, this is a confussing time, I've been there, so I know when she stop all contact with OM you will see a little more stablity. Sure there will be withdraws from her but right now she is all over the board b/c the Om is infecting her choices.
> 
> Once you get back home you will beable to take control of the sich and then it will be up to her to turn the corner and fix this mess. Or not. At least you will be more hands on and make the tough disicion that will get her to think twice.
> 
> ...


I'm praying that she has gone NC with OM as she said she would, but obviously I'll have to verify this when I get home. 

I understand you on not reading the entire thread....so many threads and posts, so little time lol.

I'm trying to remember if at any point in all this, if I begged for our marriage. I do not remember doing so. I did tell her on some of her points on why she was not happy, that her and my views differed greatly. Like her not being there for the kids when they needed her - she's been a good mother, and I told her she never let the kids down (this was right before the EA went to PA). I am going to be very confident in my attitude and hopefully my decisions with her. And I will definitely not accept any of the blame for her choice to have the A....that was all on her.

I do hope she'll keep the NC with OM, and will also get through this fog she's apparently in. It's really our only hope of R at this point.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> one more thing, thanks for your service, if it wasn't for you I'd have to deal with haji at my front door.


Thank you, I and others here greatly appreciate your support from back home. It makes things here easier for us, knowing folks back home have our backs!


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Shocked - when you get home be calm, cool, confident, and cold as ice with your WW. Any weakness shown will be detrimental. She needs to see (not hear) your resolve. She had an affair. She has to own up to that. Seriously - let her think you're going to move on. Then see what she does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## busybody24 (Jun 24, 2012)

Your right Shamwow,but sometimes that doesn't work. I have been stuck thinking things will get better with my husband after he cheated and still cheating since 2008.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She don't want to contact with you may be because she dont want to discuss about her A any more, she may be afraid to face her infidelity and want to rug sweep it with out any more consequences. She knows if she contact you, you will ask her questions and she will have to answer, she don't want this.
> 
> She want you to get over this without much discussions and want everything to be normal as early as possible so she is acting normal,
> 
> ...



Well that's the thing....one day she will barely have any contact with me or none at all....and the next day we chat and talk like everything is normal (besides showing little affection). I haven't brought up the A stuff to her after she broke down and told me what was going on.

I'm going to do my hardest to make sure everything is addressed when I get back home. Right now I can't do a whole lot about her rug sweeping. She now knows that I won't tolerate what's going on anymore, and I have to stay on top of that.

Yeah, the situation with her ex is another thing that really hurts/bothers me....she went through an A with him, and she even tried to stay with him for a few months to work things out (or figure out what she wanted). She made a decision at that point to D him. Going to counseling and having her checked over by a mental health professional will definitely be a part of the terms of reconciliation.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

TBT said:


> Any undoing will be because of her actions...she put the marriage in jeopardy and you're doing your best to save it.It's hard for anyone to take a crash course on what to do to save their marriage,but especially for you considering where you are.You're only doing what you need to do.


I definitely agree with you. Her actions will let me know what I will need to do. I just hope I make the best decisions and my actions aid the recovery of our M, and not set things back.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

busybody24 said:


> Your right Shamwow,but sometimes that doesn't work. I have been stuck thinking things will get better with my husband after he cheated and still cheating since 2008.


Not saying its gonna work out. I divorced my cheating XW. Just looking out for ST's dignity in the situation. Hoping for the best, but his wife is playing a game she may not be able to rectify. He has to be his own man. And he's been through this before, so he knows the ramifications.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## busybody24 (Jun 24, 2012)

Well, maybe your right I guess I have a heart of stone now. This stuff can do major damage to a person.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think you need to absorb the complete betrayal to go thinking or through R. It isn't a ONS. It was completely planned and she willfully went through it. When you reached out to her multiple times, she ignores. The amount of disrespect here is huge. Her asking to fight for the family is completely ridiculous and laughable. Imagine if you did something similar and asked the same from your wife? She is a capable and a rational human being, not a helpless weakling. And she wasn't the only one that was lonely.What about you? She should be the one that should be moving mountains to keep you from leaving, not the opposite.


She bought the tickets, she got into the flight, met him and cheated, multiple time. All the time she was there with the OM, she could have stopped at any single moment. Her asking you to fight for the marriage is your wife absolving herself from all responsibilities and putting you in a very dubious position. It is like a rapist asking the rape victim to help him with his feeling of guilt for raping her. Now it looks like the responsibility of keeping the family together is dependent on you when it was her the already made the decision to destroy the family long time back.


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## busybody24 (Jun 24, 2012)

Ok, LOL I like the way you think hardcore.


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## busybody24 (Jun 24, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Not saying its gonna work out. I divorced my cheating XW. Just looking out for ST's dignity in the situation. Hoping for the best, but his wife is playing a game she may not be able to rectify. He has to be his own man. And he's been through this before, so he knows the ramifications.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How long has it been since you divorced your wife. Are you ok ?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> Yeah, the situation with her ex is another thing that really hurts/bothers me....she went through an A with him, and she even tried to stay with him for a few months to work things out (or figure out what she wanted). She made a decision at that point to D him. Going to counseling and having her checked over by a mental health professional will definitely be a part of the terms of reconciliation.


ST,

This is the part that bothers me the most. She has been screwed over before just like you. She D her 1st husband. What does she expect you to do with her A now???

Since she experienced infidelity in her first marriage you would think she would remember the pain she experienced and not repeat the same sin and hurt you.

But more often than not we see BS's become WS's. They almost feel entitled to screw over their loyal spouse in the 2nd relationship.

And most often we see the wayward spouse carry over emotional baggage from the 1st relationship into the 2nd relationship and they mess up the marriage really bad. Sometimes this happens multiple times like a rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

What many of us are saying when you go home:

*Be cool emotionally.

Be calm and listen.

Do not accept any blame for her Affair. She decided to cross that bridge and put you, your marriage and family in harms way.

No Contact must be followed or there is nothing to talk about.

And if she wants to R she gets professional counselling to get her head on straight.*

Just remember, she did not choose another man over you, you have little to do with the Affair, she chose the wrong medicine to fix her sickness.
Now you have to determine if she wants to get better and take the right medicine.

Get home and be prepared to get your hands dirty.

HM64


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## busybody24 (Jun 24, 2012)

I will say a couple of different words whhe I get home.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> have both been divorced before getting married to each other, with both previous marriages ended by affairs by our ex-spouse.


I have known of this situation occurring and the H#2 getting in contact with the XH, only to find that XH did not cheat, but was actually a BH. Ever get any corroboration on your WW's divorce story?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> I have known of this situation occurring and the H#2 getting in contact with the XH, only to find that XH did not cheat, but was actually a BH. Ever get any corroboration on your WW's divorce story?


Maybe you need to check with her ex? See if her story matches?

Does he even know she was married, or the true status of your marriage, as you perceived it?

If she'd lie to you, why wouldn't she lie to him?

She might be playing you both for fools.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> I have known of this situation occurring and the H#2 getting in contact with the XH, only to find that XH did not cheat, but was actually a BH. Ever get any corroboration on your WW's divorce story?


No, I actually didn't even think to verify her story with her XH. Might be something there....


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe you need to check with her ex? See if her story matches?
> 
> Does he even know she was married, or the true status of your marriage, as you perceived it?
> 
> ...


I might have to do that.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> ST,
> 
> This is the part that bothers me the most. She has been screwed over before just like you. She D her 1st husband. What does she expect you to do with her A now???
> 
> ...


I really appreciate your sound advice. I will make every attempt to stay cool and calm, and definitely won't accept any blame for her affair.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> No, I actually didn't even think to verify her story with her XH. Might be something there....


Yes, this happens surprisingly often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Another update....this time it looks really bad, but maybe it's just my perspective....

She went off on me again, saying she hates me (used the word hate twice) for threatening her and possibly destroying her career after she was completely honest with me (her words). She also said it's bull**** that I said I did it to protect our family, and that I exposed the A to embarass and humiliate her to the few people she calls friends and the only person she calls family, her dad. She also said by "wiping out our savings" (I moved the savings into an account I created for my protection) that I am trying to control her, and that makes her hate me. She is angry that I thought she would do something with that money, and feels that I had no right to do what I did. She finished her initial remarks with saying that she's done with me, my actions made it final for her. 

Our comments went back and forth on the matter, with me defending my decisions and actions, and her continuing to go off on me with saying she's typing up the divorce paperwork right then and other stuff.

I wasn't really ready for all of this.....and again, I'm second guessing what I've done.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> Another update....this time it looks really bad, but maybe it's just my perspective....
> 
> She went off on me again, saying she hates me (used the word hate twice) for threatening her and possibly destroying her career after she was completely honest with me (her words). She also said it's bull**** that I said I did it to protect our family, and that I exposed the A to embarass and humiliate her to the few people she calls friends and the only person she calls family, her dad. She also said by "wiping out our savings" (I moved the savings into an account I created for my protection) that I am trying to control her, and that makes her hate me. She is angry that I thought she would do something with that money, and feels that I had no right to do what I did. She finished her initial remarks with saying that she's done with me, my actions made it final for her.
> 
> ...


No, don't second guess yourself. I'm not at all surprised she's reacted this way. She's furious because she's facing consequences for her actions. She's mad because she can't keep her affair a secret anymore, and the people she thought were supporting her have dropped her like a stone. She's mad because you cut-off her funds, so she can't go out of town to visit her affair partner anymore.

Reality and withdrawal. She was living a fantasy, with a warm and inviting home, familial support, a loving husband, and an affair on the side. You just turned her carriage into a pumpkin, and she's a bit _pissed_ at you for making this difficult for her.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Jibril said:


> No, don't second guess yourself. I'm not at all surprised she's reacted this way. She's furious because she's facing consequences for her actions. She's mad because she can't keep her affair a secret anymore, and the people she thought were supporting her have dropped her like a stone. She's mad because you cut-off her funds, so she can't go out of town to visit her affair partner anymore.
> 
> Reality and withdrawal. She was living a fantasy, with a warm and inviting home, familial support, a loving husband, and an affair on the side. You just turned her carriage has turned into a pumpkin, and she's a bit _pissed_ at you for making this difficult for her.


I'm trying real hard not to second guess myself....I guess I just can't see any good of what's going on right now, and her words are becoming harsher and cold. 

I see what you're saying, but again....it's just so damn difficult to picture anything other than the hurt, anger and coldness coming from her right now. I guess I just need to give it time, and try to hold myself together....somehow.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> I'm trying real hard not to second guess myself....I guess I just can't see any good of what's going on right now, and her words are becoming harsher and cold.
> 
> I see what you're saying, but again....it's just so damn difficult to picture anything other than the hurt, anger and coldness coming from her right now. I guess I just need to give it time, and try to hold myself together....somehow.


I've read this scenario repeatedly on these forums when the affair is exposed, and in almost all of them, the cheating spouse reacts the same way - venom and hate.

The best thing to do right now is not plead with her or apologize. Damn it man, you're trying to save the marriage, and she's acting like a horny little brat. "Poo, I can't eat cake anymore, boo hoo, I_ hate you_, crawl into a hole and die."

Keep your cool, and keep your distance. I seriously, _seriously_ doubt that she will do a damned thing worth noting. And if she does, then know that you are dealing with an utterly immature _child_ - one you shouldn't be married to to begin with.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Her behavior is nothing more than an attempt to shift blame to you for the consequences that came about because of her marital betrayal. If you handle her outbursts with stoicism, she will soon realize that ther rants have no effect on you. Don't be surprise if she suddenly shifts to begging and pleading mode.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> Another update....this time it looks really bad, but maybe it's just my perspective....
> 
> She went off on me again, saying she hates me (used the word hate twice) for threatening her and possibly destroying her career after she was completely honest with me (her words). She also said it's bull**** that I said I did it to protect our family, and that I exposed the A to embarass and humiliate her to the few people she calls friends and the only person she calls family, her dad. She also said by "wiping out our savings" (I moved the savings into an account I created for my protection) that I am trying to control her, and that makes her hate me. She is angry that I thought she would do something with that money, and feels that I had no right to do what I did. She finished her initial remarks with saying that she's done with me, my actions made it final for her.
> 
> ...


Quick question.....I don't have all too much time to keep up with everything that you wrote, so..has she told you she's stopped contact with this guy? Another thing I wanted to say is that she's hardened her heart now because of all the involvements, so that could be why she doesn't feel like it's worth it to quit with this guy (that's if she hasn't yet). She probably feels like it's all too much to handle now. She's got you to try and convince she can stop, her dad, your mom, everybody now. That's why I was saying it's going to be a little more difficult to help her see the light now. 
On the other page...I know why you would have wanted to do all this. It's totally understandable. But if you want to make your marriage work, then she needs to stop feeling so insecure and quit what she's doing. And I know everyone on here just says, screw her....but unfortunately for someone who wants to keep the relationship in tact, it takes two to work on it..not just one whether she's started this or not......and remember, nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes, and life goes on either for the better or the worse


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So she is angry at you for protecting your self after she screwed around. Nice. Tell her if her anger helps her sleep at night after sleeping around on then go for it.

Put at the end of the day it does not change the fact that she is an adultor and you are in your right to protect your self after such a betrayal.

So I guess your self preservation will justify her bedding dowm with the OM. How convienent for her. She basicly said "thank you for validating my cheatting ways".

A truelly remorseful response would have been down the lines like" I understand your reasoning to protect your self for what I've done and is there anything I can do to regian your trust".....fat chance that will ever happen until she stop seeing the OM.

Dude its all fog and fantasy talk. Its part of the script waywards use to get away from the guilt. She brought this on her self the minute she let OM climb on top of her.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> Another update....this time it looks really bad, but maybe it's just my perspective....
> 
> She went off on me again, saying she hates me (used the word hate twice) for threatening her and possibly destroying her career after she was completely honest with me (her words). She also said it's bull**** that I said I did it to protect our family, and that I exposed the A to embarass and humiliate her to the few people she calls friends and the only person she calls family, her dad. She also said by "wiping out our savings" (I moved the savings into an account I created for my protection) that I am trying to control her, and that makes her hate me. She is angry that I thought she would do something with that money, and feels that I had no right to do what I did. She finished her initial remarks with saying that she's done with me, my actions made it final for her.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry you find yourself having to post on this forum. It's not a club any of us wanted to join.

Anyway, her reaction to exposure is fairly typical and her feelings will change once she calms down. You did nothing wrong. It was her choice to engage in an affair. You were doing what you needed to do to protect yourself from someone you can no longer trust. Perhaps, you will be able to trust her in the future but right now, there is no trusting her while she is involved with OM. I'm sure if the situation was reversed, she would be protecting herself and seeking advice on how to do so.

Ignore her threats and stay strong. Even if you're falling apart inside, show her strength and determination. She's living in affairland where it's all roses and sunshine but she has you on the side to take take care of the needs she can't get met by her OM. She clearly wants both, otherwise she'd be scrambling to prove to you she wants the M.

Don't let her anger get to you. It will pass but she will take advantage of you if you bow down to her wishes and act afraid of her anger. Think of it as a toddler having a temper tantrum. Give in and you create a spoiled child. You did the right thing in exposing the ugliness of the affair. Nothing kills the fantasy faster than exposure.

I think to deal with infidelity you have to be strong. Not a bully but strong. WS take any sign of weakness as a chance to cake eat.

Hang in there.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Shocked, this is normal. The normal line from the cheater is, "now you've ruined everything, I was going to choose you, now I'm not." Of course, she never told you that before, only after you stood up for yourself and ended her affair.

She is angry that her affair is over. Stick with the line that you are doing it to fight for her and fight for your marriage. If she is yelling and screaming, tell her you won't put up with that and you will discuss it with her when she is calm and leave the room or leave the house for an hour or two.

Also, tell her that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept in a marriage and what you are not willing to accept, and how you react to her actions.

She had an affair and said she wanted to divorce you, you trusted her and she betrayed your marriage vows, now she says you should have trusted her not to wipe out your bank account. She has already shown she is not trustworthy.

She knows you didn't wipe out the savings and that they are safe. She wants it all her way. She planned it differently. Her fantasy with the other man and the way it would plan out are ruined.

What she really had wanted, was to have both you and the other man. She was hoping to string you along and she wasn't ready to give up the other man.

She cheated on you, now you are worried that she is mad at your for telling the truth and trying to end her affair? Do you know how crazy that sounds?

There is no guarantee your marriage can be saved no matter what you do. You might as well handle yourself with dignity and self-respect and, if she is going to leave you, find out now rather than after going through weeks or even months of pain while she maintains contact with the other man behind your back.

If she does leave you, it won't be because of your most recent actions, she cheated on you and said she was leaving you before you exposed and separated finances, she is now trying to manipulate you into feeling exactly as you do, so you put the money back in the bank and say, it's OK honey, you don't have to have no contact with the other man.

Your best bet is to stay on the course and not waver. If you show her you're having second thoughts, she will escalate her rhetoric even more.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Quick question.....I don't have all too much time to keep up with everything that you wrote, so..has she told you she's stopped contact with this guy? Another thing I wanted to say is that she's hardened her heart now because of all the involvements, so that could be why she doesn't feel like it's worth it to quit with this guy (that's if she hasn't yet). She probably feels like it's all too much to handle now. She's got you to try and convince she can stop, her dad, your mom, everybody now. That's why I was saying it's going to be a little more difficult to help her see the light now.
> On the other page...I know why you would have wanted to do all this. It's totally understandable. But if you want to make your marriage work, then she needs to stop feeling so insecure and quit what she's doing. And I know everyone on here just says, screw her....but unfortunately for someone who wants to keep the relationship in tact, it takes two to work on it..not just one whether she's started this or not......and remember, nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes, and life goes on either for the better or the worse


She told me she has stopped all contact with OM, but since I'm still not at home, I have no way to verify it. It's very possible she's using FB or skype to keep in contact with OM, and I believe now that's what she's doing. It feels like everything I've done so far is making her feel more like she's justified in what she's done, and what she's doing.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Until you can verify NO Contact, assume there is contact.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

ShockedTwice said:


> She told me she has stopped all contact with OM, but since I'm still not at home, I have no way to verify it. It's very possible she's using FB or skype to keep in contact with OM, and I believe now that's what she's doing. It feels like everything I've done so far is making her feel more like she's justified in what she's done, and what she's doing.


I've been down the road of making someone feel "justified" Or "angry" enough to continue cheating...in your case because you want to be with her still it must be hard for you to be in this mess. My husband has been a chronic cheater (who knows what your wife is...for now she's a one time cheater).. and all that getting back at him or taking my anger out on him does is help him justify himself (even though I know it's not justified and can never be) I know where you're coming from. It's so hard to know what steps to take if you love this person. Sometimes you will feel like kicking the walls in or even getting back at her (don't do this one!)...it's a very hard and hurtful road to be with someone who cheats. But in your case there's no telling if she will continue being this way or not.. I think it would be very premature to just kick her to the curb. I think that kindness is the best policy when dealing with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Be very smart about this....keep your cool, watch and wait. I agree with everyone else when they say though....don't let her walk over you...kindness doesn't always have to mean you are a pansy (Jesus was kind...and he's no pansy!)..it just means you are a good person who knows what's right and can stay sane!


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Zanna said:


> I'm sorry you find yourself having to post on this forum. It's not a club any of us wanted to join.
> 
> Anyway, her reaction to exposure is fairly typical and her feelings will change once she calms down. You did nothing wrong. It was her choice to engage in an affair. You were doing what you needed to do to protect yourself from someone you can no longer trust. Perhaps, you will be able to trust her in the future but right now, there is no trusting her while she is involved with OM. I'm sure if the situation was reversed, she would be protecting herself and seeking advice on how to do so.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your support and advice, I greatly appreciate you! 

Part of my issue with how she's acting is I've rarely seen this side of her before....so emotionally charged and so strong worded. I will do my best to show my strength and determination, because in the end I know I have to be strong and determined for myself and my family.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Shocked, this is normal. The normal line from the cheater is, "now you've ruined everything, I was going to choose you, now I'm not." Of course, she never told you that before, only after you stood up for yourself and ended her affair.
> 
> She is angry that her affair is over. Stick with the line that you are doing it to fight for her and fight for your marriage. If she is yelling and screaming, tell her you won't put up with that and you will discuss it with her when she is calm and leave the room or leave the house for an hour or two.
> 
> ...


I do hope the affair is over, but I have a nagging feeling it's still going on in some shape or form, and that she actually has fallen for this predator OM. Even if I had to let her go and D, I care too much to let her to go OM and be used by him and then my kids get hurt all over. She even told me that she deserves to be happy, and be seen by the kids as happy. She also said the kids have not been hurt by all of this....I almost lost it there (with anger). I had to remind her that her actions have already hurt our kids and families, and for her to say they have not was irresponsible and neglectful. She didn't have much to say after that...
I'm not worried about her being mad at me, I did expect some sort of response from her (anger and hurt). But just the way she lashed out at me, and saying I made her decision final for her threw me off a lot and got me second guessing my actions. But I'm realizing that I did the best with what I had, and now I'm faced with the task of confronting her and getting to the bottom of things when I get home in 4 days.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I've been down the road of making someone feel "justified" Or "angry" enough to continue cheating...in your case because you want to be with her still it must be hard for you to be in this mess. My husband has been a chronic cheater (who knows what your wife is...for now she's a one time cheater).. and all that getting back at him or taking my anger out on him does is help him justify himself (even though I know it's not justified and can never be) I know where you're coming from. It's so hard to know what steps to take if you love this person. Sometimes you will feel like kicking the walls in or even getting back at her (don't do this one!)...it's a very hard and hurtful road to be with someone who cheats. But in your case there's no telling if she will continue being this way or not.. I think it would be very premature to just kick her to the curb. I think that kindness is the best policy when dealing with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Be very smart about this....keep your cool, watch and wait. I agree with everyone else when they say though....don't let her walk over you...kindness doesn't always have to mean you are a pansy (Jesus was kind...and he's no pansy!)..it just means you are a good person who knows what's right and can stay sane!


This is definitely one of the harder parts in making my decisions....knowing or weighing the risks on whether my words and actions will cause her to be pushed further away. I am trying to be a good person, in spite of everything that's going on.....I know my kids need me now more than ever, and letting her walk over me isn't an option in that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Waywards idea of N/C is when genitiles aren't touching. A betrayed idea of N/C is when no matter how hard the AP tries to call or text or IM, the wayward has no response to the AP.

You and her are clearly not on the same page. So I know when you get home you will clear that up real quick.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Remember, she has made her choice and now you know exactly were she stands. In 4 days you will have the confidence to engage as such, and with confidence you can inform her that you will not tolorate her behavior and if she wants back then it will be her that does the heavy lifting. 
Infom her that your action and her reaction solidify what you now know to be best and that you will be waiting for the D papers. 

Basicaly call her pluff.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It amazes me...if the show were on the other foot she would dumb you in a heart beat if you were fooling around.....you would be begging for a second chance.

See thats the thing here she doesn't need to beg for you to take her back b/c OM will take care of her.

Dude you do not diserve to be second choice or some chicks back up plan.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

the guy said:


> It amazes me...if the show were on the other foot she would dumb you in a heart beat if you were fooling around.....you would be begging for a second chance.
> 
> See thats the thing here she doesn't need to beg for you to take her back b/c OM will take care of her.
> 
> Dude you do not diserve to be second choice or some chicks back up plan.


not always the case : S ... woman are ten times more likely to stay in a bad situation.. at least until it happens again. Just saying...
Men tend to be less forgiving and will turn to greener pastures rather than stay with the cheating wife I would think


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*woman are ten times more likely to stay in a bad situation.. at least until it happens again. Just saying...
Men tend to be less forgiving and will turn to greener pastures rather than stay with the cheating wife I would think *

somethingelse, what are you basing this on? 

Based on this forum I would say it seems to be about equal whether men or women stay and try to work it out, which also has been my observation outside of this forum.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> *woman are ten times more likely to stay in a bad situation.. at least until it happens again. Just saying...
> Men tend to be less forgiving and will turn to greener pastures rather than stay with the cheating wife I would think *
> 
> somethingelse, what are you basing this on?
> ...


would you agree that when a woman cheats it is more likely to be an emotional affair? most of the time? I would say so...

would you agree that when a man cheats it's more of a physical affair rather than for love? I would say so...

So I base my opinion on the fact that a man would find it very hard to stay with a woman who is committing an emotional affair...it's harder to take because there is more involved...not just the physical act.. if you know what I mean.

Whereas women stay with their men because for the most part men are doing it for a physical reason rather than emotional. 
Women tend to be more concerned if her man gets emotionally involved, and that is a rare thing for a man to get into, for the most part, especially if he still loves his woman. 

Just from everything I've read and my own experiences. People I've talked to....not trying to start a fight.. it's just lots of polls have determined this. And I myself would not want to stay with my man if he was in love with another woman.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> Another update....this time it looks really bad, but maybe it's just my perspective....
> 
> She went off on me again, saying she hates me (used the word hate twice) for threatening her and possibly destroying her career after she was completely honest with me (her words). She also said it's bull**** that I said I did it to protect our family, and that I exposed the A to embarass and humiliate her to the few people she calls friends and the only person she calls family, her dad. She also said by "wiping out our savings" (I moved the savings into an account I created for my protection) that I am trying to control her, and that makes her hate me. She is angry that I thought she would do something with that money, and feels that I had no right to do what I did. She finished her initial remarks with saying that she's done with me, my actions made it final for her.
> 
> ...



Blah...blah...blah.... This is all normal speak for a cheater that just got outed. ABSOLUTELY NORMAL! I know it's easy to write, but you need to let that stuff roll off of your back. Now, let look at things logically.

She says that you tried to ruin her career by exposing her to her boss. In and earlier post, you made the comment that she could have a "reduction in rank". Therefore, I assume she's in the military too. If that's the case SHE ALREADY KNEW that adultry is punishable under the UCMJ. She went ahead and cheated anyway. That wasn't your decision, it was her choice to break the UCMJ. And under the UCMJ, you are obligated to report any infractions or else YOU are in violation of the UCMJ.


She's angry that you thought she was going to do something with that money? I'm pretty sure she used some of that money, YOUR money to go out of town and sleep with some other dude. So, YES!! she did do something with that money and you were no longer going to finance her affair!

So, you exposed her affair. OH WELL! She was ready to divorce you and run off with this gaming douche bag. Why would she care that you told people the truth? Is she ashamed or not proud of her behavior? Because, I thought she was going to be happy with this guy? So, why not shout it from the roof tops!!! 

Fact is, you let the truth out before she was able to put her spin on crap. "He's always gone." "When he's here, he's not really here." " I haven't been happy for a long time. And thank God for the gaming douche bag who's been a REALLY GOOD FRIEND AND A SHOULDER TO CRY ON DURING THESE TRYING TIMES." Affairs are like roaches. They love the dark, but as soon as you turn on th light, they scatter. Well, you just flipped the switch, dude.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it with you at all times you are with her. Consider reading *Surveillance Methods As A Defense* as well.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> would you agree that when a woman cheats it is more likely to be an emotional affair? most of the time? I would say so...
> 
> would you agree that when a man cheats it's more of a physical affair rather than for love? I would say so...
> 
> ...


Well, your assumptions completely contradict my situation. My husband had (as far as can be determined from objective sources) an emotional affair that lasted 4.5 years. I forgave him because I love him and because he was able to prove to my satisfaction that the affair is over and that he deeply loves me.

I also understand, after a great deal of reading, that affairs are about infatuation or limerance, not love based in reality. His "love" for his AP was never tested--that is how affairs work. They are fun-filled fantasies where true conflict and mundane everday life like money or car troubles are avoided like the plague. Even my husband easily acknowledges that.

How much have you read and learned about infidelity? There are a lot of stereotypes and misguided ideas that surround cheating. Be careful not to fall for them, it will cloud your judgment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Crossbar,

I greatly appreciate your comments, as they are giving me better insight on my situation and also helps me to continue on.

I believe what you're saying, and see where you're coming from. It's really hard to see through all of this right now....so you and others' comments are helping me gain clarity and focus.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

What have you done to expose the OM? I am sure you will have reasons for not tracking his parents, sibling , ex wife or SO down. You have nagging doubts if they are in contact and will continue to until you have made the affair extremely uncomfortable for him to continue. Hard experience says while his guy is secure and untouched he will be in contact with your wife.

Stop fighting your wife , repeat the phrase to her "I am fighting to save our marriage your are fighting to continue committing adultery"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Shocked, her claims of honesty are major manipulations.

An honest woman would not be talking or getting close enough to an OM to develop the feelings she has for him.

An honest woman would not have sex with another man.

An honest woman, after telling her husband about the sex and that she wouldn't ever do it again - wouldn't have sex again with the OM.

The bottom line is that she hasn't been honest. She's confused honesty with confessing her sins after the fact. That's not honestly, that is her still cheating, but thinking if she tells you- it's a free pass.

Now what have you done? You told the TRUTH. You told people around her the TRUTH about what she has chosen to do: Have an affair. You asked them to help stop her cheating. A thing which she said in her vows she wouldn't and more recently said again to you.

Don't be played by her anger and manipulation.

You know in your heart from her on going words and tone to you, that she continues to see him. That she is continuing the affair, and is choosing the OM over the marriage and family.

Then when you do what you can to stop her, she blames you and is angry with you.

Does that sound like someone remorseful and like someone who has stopped her affair? No it doesn't. It sounds exactly like someone deep in the affair still, who is angry you are interfering in her love life. 

The next thing you must do is to find details of the OM and expose him. IF you can hire a PI to watch her, she'll lead you to him.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ST,

Calm and Cool.

You are getting great advice so far.

When she says hurtful things to you answer her like this "I am sorry you feel this way".

When she says you have exposed her A and hurt her job and relationship with friends/family you answer her with this "I am protecting my family that you have put at risk by allowing a 3rd person in our marriage".

And when she says she told you the truth you answer her with this "what good is the truth after the fact that you lied to me repeatedly and slept with another man while still married to me while I am thousands of miles away from our home & family".

Stay cool and calm. Icy cool. Do not let her take back control.

Do not 2nd guess your actions. You need to expose the OM as best you can and yes you are right she has not ended her A.

She is still cheating on you.

How do we all know, because cheaters lie when they can get away with it and will take full advantage of the situation.

It is part of the script and they follow it to a "T".

Stay focused and be prepared to assert control when you get home. Get a VAR before she picks you up at the airport and a keylogger as soon as you get home.

And remember this when she says she deserves to be happy.

Everyone deserves to be happy in life. But not at the cost of our marriage, family and especially my trust. Ask her if she is ready to throw it all away because she is doing a great job so far!!!

HM64


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

ST. Her anger is from her embarssment. You have stripped away the good memories she thought she had from the affiar. Cheaters really never think about paying a price for what they have done. Exposing will keep her honest. If you stay cool and firm it will turn around.

When she calls you on the money or anything with the exposing let her know that she has broken the trust and you have been taking steps to protect the kids and yourself. Let her know that you hope that trust can be returned someday but for now it is one day at a time

As far as that POS OM if no pain, no problems he will troll back looking for a hookup with your wife. 

Stay strong for you and your kids


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I think exposing the OM is good because it makes him feel a bit hesitant. But sometimes I think if the W is still not ready to be honest, it just makes the A turn into more of a determination for the two involved. I almost think it makes them all the more interested in "hiding away" with each other while everyone scrambles around them. If she is angry about the exposure, she might very well be taking her anger out on H with the other guy....I would hope this isn't true...but I can't help but think it could be


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> What have you done to expose the OM? I am sure you will have reasons for not tracking his parents, sibling , ex wife or SO down. You have nagging doubts if they are in contact and will continue to until you have made the affair extremely uncomfortable for him to continue. Hard experience says while his guy is secure and untouched he will be in contact with your wife.
> 
> Stop fighting your wife , repeat the phrase to her "I am fighting to save our marriage your are fighting to continue committing adultery"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm attempting to piece together info about OM, as I don't know him and he lives in another state. All I know really is he's still technically married (his wife moved out of country for some reason), has at least one kid. I'm trying to contact his W/xW, but have not heard back from her. Still trying to figure out who is who.

Every time she lashes out about my actions, I tell her I'm fighting for us and the kids, our family. I don't bring up the A unless she does, because knowing her, she doesn't like to have things held over her head, and I don't want to push her away.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Shocked, the description you give of her not liking "to have things held over her head" is worrisome. If extreme, that suggests some sort of personality disorder. She needs professional help. If she can't deal with the consequences of what she has done, you'll never be able to reconcile. When you get home, try to have her see a counselor. If she won't, DO NOT let her sweep this mess under the rug.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> I'm attempting to piece together info about OM, as I don't know him and he lives in another state. All I know really is he's still technically married (his wife moved out of country for some reason), has at least one kid. I'm trying to contact his W/xW, but have not heard back from her. Still trying to figure out who is who.
> 
> Every time she lashes out about my actions, I tell her I'm fighting for us and the kids, our family. I don't bring up the A unless she does, because knowing her, she doesn't like to have things held over her head, and I don't want to push her away.


F*ck that noise..How come you have to be defensive when she was the one that cheated on you when you were deployed ? You have an extremely selfish and entitled woman here. You are scared to bring up the affair because that will push her away? Come on!!! You are being a doormat. You are walking on eggshells because she might separate ? No wonder she thought she could get away after having an affair. The person that is the least invested in the relationship is the one that has the most power in it.Sad but true. You are the only one doing anything to save the relationship. Hold back your thoughts to R for some time. You don't want to go there yet. R will be on your terms, not hers.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

river rat said:


> Shocked, the description you give of her not liking "to have things held over her head" is worrisome. If extreme, that suggests some sort of personality disorder. She needs professional help. If she can't deal with the consequences of what she has done, you'll never be able to reconcile. When you get home, try to have her see a counselor. If she won't, DO NOT let her sweep this mess under the rug.


The reason why I bring this up is because when she was remorseful to me, she said she would never be able to win another argument with me and I would probably hold the A over her head forever. I tried to reason with her that would not be the case, but I think she believes otherwise.

Hopefully I can get her to see a counselor or someone for professional help...I think it might help her some.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What a cop out. She is manipulating you into not bringing up the affair.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> Hopefully I can get her to see a counselor or someone for professional help...I think it might help her some.


They don't have a Family Advocacy office there?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> What a cop out. She is manipulating you into not bringing up the affair.


:iagree:

The classic "Sweep It Under The Rug" manipulation. Seen it hundreds of times here and all the Infidelity Support forums.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> F*ck that noise..How come you have to be defensive when she was the one that cheated on you when you were deployed ? You have an extremely selfish and entitled woman here. You are scared to bring up the affair because that will push her away? Come on!!! You are being a doormat. You are walking on eggshells because she might separate ? No wonder she thought she could get away after having an affair. The person that is the least invested in the relationship is the one that has the most power in it.Sad but true. You are the only one doing anything to save the relationship. Hold back your thoughts to R for some time. You don't want to go there yet. R will be on your terms, not hers.


I'm not trying to be defensive, I'm just trying to pick my battles. If I constantly bash her and attack her for what's happened, how is that going to help anything?


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> They don't have a Family Advocacy office there?


They do but I do not believe she will go to them now....still I will try to get her to go when I'm back.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> The classic "Sweep It Under The Rug" manipulation. Seen it hundreds of times here and all the Infidelity Support forums.


What is your recommendation on how I should approach her now?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> I'm not trying to be defensive, I'm just trying to pick my battles. If I constantly bash her and attack her for what's happened, how is that going to help anything?


You replies do seem to be defensive. "I am doing this to protect the family" vs "I will talk about it only when I get home. I don't have to explain why I did what i did "

Be more assertive and strong


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You don't talk to her until you are home. TOTALLY DARK till you are home. She is fogging or she would realize why you moved the money. You don't know WHO she has become. AND yes, you sound defensive. I would have hung up on her a66. Or screamed F66k you so loud they would have heard me 5 miles away. YOU are the BS, YOU are supposed to be the one ANGRY. But you are letting her dictate. And ,,, you need to realize it takes more than saying if I have to file. YOU have to REALIZE and process it, until you come to a place in you that will be ok with it. THAT,,, will help make you more effective dealing with her. You are not pushing her away, when in fact, you should be pushing her away. So she can stop focusing on her, as if she know it all her decisions, instead of you both making them. Thats her confidence that you won't reject her. READ NEEDY !! 4 days, if you need to speak to the boys, have your parents go get them so you can webcam. when she said I hate you and filling out paper now, I would have been telling her " now see thats why I did what I did ." " my wife turned into some slimey cheating sl#t that I don't know " But since you didn't, just go dark. and stay dark until you are home. Right now, its all about her, nevermind your hurt and anger. I would not put nothing pass her, since she feels so entitiled. You need to get her worrying if you want her anymore, not if she wants you. I bet your pleading comes thru everytime you talk, no matter what you are saying to her. Flip it around in your mind, that you may have to let her go to get her back. But don't be surprise if you are met by a server. She is on the attack and feels she have to keep it up to keep the upperhand, or you will hold it ovr her head.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Talk to anyone who has an intact marriage after infidelity, and they will all tell you that at some point, they had to get tough.

When I didn't realize I was dealing with an A and simply believed I just had an unhappy spouse who wanted a D, I read a lot of marriage forums. I recall there was one man in particular who had recovered his M and gave great advice. It turned out his W had an A and I aways remembered him saying that you have to get tough when it comes to infidelity. Even if you're scared of losing your spouse and think you will die without them, you can't show it. You have to be strong when you feel weak. You have to detach from the outcome and do what you need to do to save your marriage without being afraid of losing your marriage because the old marriage is already dead. And you certainly can't be afraid of making your wife angry. Your marriage can survive your wife getting angry but it's not going to survive with OM in the picture. That's a fact.

You have to accept that you're already dead. 

Once you do that, and detach from the outcome, you can do what needs to be done.

I always remembered that advice and when I realized I was dealing with an A, I knew I had to get tough because the old M was already dead.

Band of Brothers - already dead - YouTube


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Listen to Zanna. She has been there, and I have too. Things will NEVER be the same, even if she lept into your arms tomorrow. Internalize that. You've already lost your marriage, it is gone. When you fully realize that you've crossed over, you have nothing left to lose, you will find the courage to fight for a new marriage with her if that is what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Zanna said:


> Talk to anyone who has an intact marriage after infidelity, and they will all tell you that at some point, they had to get tough.
> 
> When I didn't realize I was dealing with an A and simply believed I just had an unhappy spouse who wanted a D, I read a lot of marriage forums. I recall there was one man in particular who had recovered his M and gave great advice. It turned out his W had an A and I aways remembered him saying that you have to get tough when it comes to infidelity. Even if you're scared of losing your spouse and think you will die without them, you can't show it. You have to be strong when you feel weak. You have to detach from the outcome and do what you need to do to save your marriage without being afraid of losing your marriage because the old marriage is already dead. And you certainly can't be afraid of making your wife angry. Your marriage can survive your wife getting angry but it's not going to survive with OM in the picture. That's a fact.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: This is been there got the tee WiSDOM. Yeah, its normal to question and blame yourself, but thats fear. Real fear is looking down the barrel, and still stepping forward to get the job done. The old marraige is dead. Accept it. And you will never look at her the same. This woman, who was cheated on, still did it to you. So you will never look at her the same.


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## ShockedTwice (Jun 8, 2012)

I just wanted to update those who viewed/replied to my thread, since I haven't posted in almost 3 months (D-day for me was 14 June 2012). 

Quick summary; I am currently deployed overseas and was away from my wife and kids (S8 and S6) since late last year. Even though things were going as best as I could expect for being away from my family, I was still shocked and floored that my wife had an affair with OM. It started out as an EA that went PA (one encounter, verified) after OM called/texted/chatted her up when a mutual friend of ours was involved in a very bad accident. After I found out about the EA/PA (I confronted, she gaslighted very well, then was overcome with guilt and confessed to me), my WW went back and forth between being very remorseful/apologetic to me and then gaslighting/blameshifting. Turns out the OM is a womanizer, and a very cunning, manipulative and controlling SOB (aka as a predator) and was turning her against me (verified this as well, and since we started reconciling, she's spewed a lot of bad/hateful things about OM). 

I started a modified 180 approach as soon as I got wind of something going on (modified 180 because I'm deployed), and began to emotionally detach from her as soon as she confessed to me. When she started fence-sitting (her telling me she loved me and would stop talking to OM, then would get "sucked back into the fog" by OM), I "selectively" exposed the affair to a few of my family, her father (whom she is close to and supported us working things out), her closest girl-friend, and her boss (whom she respects and supported me/us through all of this). If there was one thing that was the biggest reason for stopping the affair and be able to R with my wife, it was exposing it swiftly and smartly (in my opinion anyways lol). It blew up the affair, allowed me to get through to my wife, and started the process of getting her out of the fog and back to reality. Once she was able to see the OM for what he really is (POS predator that preyed upon her knowing I wasn't there and she was at her weakest), and once I was able to go home on leave and she saw me again, it allowed us to work things out and start the process to R.

I'll detail things further when I can, but also wanted to say that I'm going to start a thread in the Reconciliation section. I feel that by sharing my story with others, they can possibly gain insight from what worked for me if their situation is at least somewhat similar (so far anyways). Since I went home on leave at the end of June and continuing since then, my wife and I have made great steps to get past the affair and work on a better marriage with each other. With the exception of a few "getting things off our chests" episodes (which was kinda ugly in some respects but overall a part of our healing process), everything since then has been great between the two of us, and our kids and families. 

A few other things; I realize there are going to be those who are skeptical or will show downright animosity towards my situation, as my d-day was only three months ago and we've ended up in reconciliation and are doing really well (even with me being back at my deployed location for a couple more months). I also understand there will be those who will tell me to be cautious, not to rush things, not trust my formerly WW, etc. I get it....I am still cautious, scared, I trust but verify as best I can, etc.....yet I'm still very optimistic and hopeful of my situation and marriage. We both still have a long ways to go as well. I'm sure I will still need advice and support here as I update my situation  

Last but not least, I wanted to thank all of those who took the time for a stranger to give advice, support and be there for me. I got a lot of great advice here (definitely feel a lot of it helped me save myself and with the way things are looking, my marriage), and feel that I should share with others worked for me. So again, thank you so very much, I greatly appreciate you! I will post the rest of my story as soon as I can!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Shocked

Very good update. I remember your story.

I wish you that you stay safe during this rotation my friend.

It is great that you and your wife are R.

I truly think she learned a hard but very valuable lesson. And the posom needs to learn a lesson as well. I truly hope he gets his served to him in a painful way.

Again, stay safe and let us know how things are going when you return home.

You can trust again but keep verifying until your gut tells you that everything is ok.

Your family and FIL sound awesome.

HM64


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

ShockedTwice said:


> I just wanted to update those who viewed/replied to my thread, since I haven't posted in almost 3 months (D-day for me was 14 June 2012).
> 
> Quick summary; I am currently deployed overseas and was away from my wife and kids (S8 and S6) since late last year. Even though things were going as best as I could expect for being away from my family, I was still shocked and floored that my wife had an affair with OM. It started out as an EA that went PA (one encounter, verified) after OM called/texted/chatted her up when a mutual friend of ours was involved in a very bad accident. After I found out about the EA/PA (I confronted, she gaslighted very well, then was overcome with guilt and confessed to me), my WW went back and forth between being very remorseful/apologetic to me and then gaslighting/blameshifting. Turns out the OM is a womanizer, and a very cunning, manipulative and controlling SOB (aka as a predator) and was turning her against me (verified this as well, and since we started reconciling, she's spewed a lot of bad/hateful things about OM).
> 
> ...



:smthumbup:

Good luck. I wish you the very best and please stay safe.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Stay safe!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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