# What do I do?



## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

I mentioned on a previous post about my marriage issues but now this is from a different angle and looking at all sides. 
My wife is a great person. She is smart, wise and intelligent. She works hard keeping the house together which ain't easy with me being a terminal slob. God knows I couldn't ask for a better mother for my girls. 
But here is the problem that has been brought up a million times by other men and woman. 
What do you do if you simply don't feel anything towards your spouse? 
As I said, she is the best in so many ways but unfortunately gets an F- in the bedroom. It is simply is no longer enjoyable. She's extremely overweight and combined with her low sex drive, my desire for her is gone. If I could wave a magic wand and make me fall in love with her I would in a second. I know sex will go away with age but the thought of saying good bye to it at my age is too much to bear. I still have years of pitching a tent while in bed ahead of me. Just wished I had an answer but I simply can't force myself to feel any different.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

seabeeken123 said:


> .
> 
> ... Unfortunately gets an F- in the bedroom. It is simply is no longer enjoyable. ... If I could wave a magic wand and make me fall in love with her I would in a second. ...


I don't know if this line of questioning will be helpful here, but... For you, why does sexual attraction equate to love, and a lack of attraction equate to no love?


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> I don't know if this line of questioning will be helpful here, but... For you, why does sexual attraction equate to love, and a lack of attraction equate to no love?




It's a good question and I can understand how i made it sound that way. I think my feelings would be the same either way. We got married after getting pregnant and it seemed like the right thing to do. We are very different people and we fight often. 
With every bitter fight, I would lose more of that loving feeling towards her. I don't know if I'm making any sense. Sorry 


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She can be a great person and good Mother while you co-parent your children separately. 

You fight often and neither has sexual desire for the other. You can try to fall back in love, I would recommend this if you wanted to 

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

But sometimes things are better to just end so both can move on and find someone more suitable.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Only you can decide what you should do. Get some professional help before calling it quits. Don't get involved with other women until the marriage is ended. If you still feel the same after counseling then maybe you should let her go. She deserves to be loved and desired. If you can't give her that - let her find someone who can!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Help her to lose weight. Are you overweight?


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

Thanks all for the above replies and advice. All good information. 



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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

aine said:


> Help her to lose weight. Are you overweight?




I myself am not overweight. It would obviously be extremely hypocritical of me to make that an issue if I was obese as well. I'm still in the military which mandates physical fitness and regular exercise. 


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

aine said:


> Help her to lose weight. Are you overweight?



Help her lose weight? 
Like the old saying goes: you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it shrink. 


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If you're not happy, not getting sex and not attracted to your wife, I think it is perfectly reasonable to divorce her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Let her go. You can't remain miserable for the rest of your life because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Look out for you, no one else will.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

It seems like you are dealing with 2 separate issues here. Your loss of love for her that has been chipped away with every heated argument and grievance.

Your lack of desire for her.

First find out if she is healthy, no thyroid issue, no depression as both these issues as well as low desire due to low energy are symptoms of low thyroid.

Insist on Marriage counselling and possibly a sex therapist.

Did you love her when you married her....answer that honestly to yourself?? Counselling may help to rekindle that love you have lost
If you didn't love her when you married her...no amount of counselling is going to change that.

You have many years ahead of you to "pitch a tent in bed".... and your comment about sex going away with age....it doesn't have to.

If you don't regain the love and desire you need to sustain a happy, healthy life....go your separate ways.
Your wife deserves to be loved and desired for who she is and so do you

Life is way to short to settle for anything less


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

seabeeken123 said:


> I myself am not overweight. It would obviously be extremely hypocritical of me to make that an issue if I was obese as well. I'm still in the military which mandates physical fitness and regular exercise.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I've seen overweight people in the military. There is quite a spectrum between "fit" and "obese".


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

JustAFamilyMan said:


> I've seen overweight people in the military. There is quite a spectrum between "fit" and "obese".




Yeah your right there are a few of them and how they are allowed to stay in the military blows me away. I am not one of them. 



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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

How does her weight compare to when you were dating? What was it then and what is the difference now? 

You have two almost impossible problems to solve in someone else: lose weight and increase desire. Either one of those problems is a herculean task if the person themselves wants to make the change. You want to instigate those kinds of changes in someone else? Good luck! You might want to warm up by working on something easy like figuring out a way to fly cheaply to the moon.

The only real problem is low desire. Don't worry about the weight for now. There are plenty of guys here with hot but passionless wives and they are unhappy just like you. 

Let me emphasize: DO NOT BRING UP THE WEIGHT IN ANY WAY!!! It never works and will backfire in a spectacular way.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

FYI... i divorced my ex wife because of a 100% sexless marriage, she was never nice, and she was overweight. Almost 2 years later, she's gained more weight. I think miserable people just like to eat. Just leave!


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

wilson said:


> How does her weight compare to when you were dating? What was it then and what is the difference now?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That's exactly what I've been told which is why I haven't said anything. It sucks not being able to Just tell the truth. Your suppose to be honest in what your feeling in a marriage but apparently weight doesn't apply.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Have you read "too good to leave too bad to stay"? You haven't said whether she was thinner when you met her, however it seems she likely was and became obese over time? 

Let's not talk about weight, but lets talk about personal care. I might get flamed for this but obesity and I'm not talking a few pounds overweight but obesity is an illness like any other, it's an addiction like any other. Unfortunately it's harder to talk to someone, especially a woman about weight than addiction, it likely would be easier to confront the issue if she were alcoholic or a drug user but because her drug of choice is food, that is not acceptable to discuss because you are supposed to love your spouse regardless. Sadly this is not how it works. If you married her and she was a healthy weight and now she is not, while you still are, it is no surprise that you are struggling. 

I'd agree that for your sanity it's not wise to bring up the weight gain as the cause of your "falling out of love with her". I say this only because your intention would not be to hurt her, just to get out of the marriage. It will hurt enough to tell her you're done, never mind telling her it's partly due to her addiction. I married a guy who told me many things pre-marriage and found out during the marriage they weren't really true, but he still believes them to be. You can't change what someone believes, you can only change what you're willing to put up with. You also can't force someone to take care of themselves. If they don't do it because they want to feel good then it's not the right reason anyhow. If she lost weight for you, it would still not fix your marriage. Calling someone on something they cannot see is not worth the time. The truth does not always set you free because at the end of the day it's only your truth and not hers. So tell her that you are not happy, you've fallen out of love, you are miserable and move on. 

Sex doesn't go away with age it goes away with complacent relationships.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

seabeeken123 said:


> It's a good question and I can understand how i made it sound that way. I think my feelings would be the same either way. We got married after getting pregnant and it seemed like the right thing to do. We are very different people and we fight often.
> With every bitter fight, I would lose more of that loving feeling towards her. I don't know if I'm making any sense. Sorry


Your wife probably feels the same way you do. That's most likely why she does not put a lot of effort into sex. If you want to know what's going on get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (links in my signature block below). Read them, do the work that they suggest.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you alone, doing things that you both enjoy?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sometimes a women will put massive weight on because she is depressed.

Sometimes a women will put massive amounts of weight on because she hates herself, her life....and hates her husband or just hates men in general. The privates do this too.

Sometimes a women puts massive weight on because she knows that men will leave her alone...her husband will leave her alone. Will not want to touch her. If this is the case it is working.

Sometimes a women will put massive weight on because they love to eat. They do not have any will power. It is a self destructive behavior.

Being very heavy has a genetic component, has a family connection, viz., all the women in her extended family are large ladies. Rarely is it something like a malfunctioning thyroid. Some weight increase can occur but not massive amounts.


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