# Mothra777's journal, progress and rants



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Greetings all,

Today I was looking back on previous posts of mine to see how far I had come (or if I had made any progress at all) and realised there were many threads and it would have been better to have them all in one place.

So I am starting a thread here which will contain any updates as well as questions to the wise and kind people of TAM who have helped my so much in my separation hell.

For those not familiar with my separation - it is scarily similar to 99% of the separations on TAM but if you were interested it is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...use-separation-wife-dating-sites-already.html

Anyway I think I have come a long way from the crying, deflated mess that I was 3 months ago. Whilst the separation still consumes most of my thoughts, it no longer overwhelms me. I feel I was able to identify my faults in the marriage without dwelling on the 'should haves' and 'could haves' as well as realising she had just as many faults as me. She did the whole blame-shifting thing which made me feel like crap but in hindsight this was done so she could have an easy exit.

I am slowly but surely coming to terms of my 'singleness'. I know I am a long way off being date ready and there are days where I feel that day will never happen. But I also understand that I need to become the person I am happy with before pursuing anyone else to share my life with. I need to get fitter, lose weight and also become a more positive person. I tend to be a bit of a pessimist and the separation has not helped this bad personality trait but through IC I am working on this.

The thing I seem to be dwelling on at the moment is the financial side of it. We were both on similar incomes and up to our eyeballs in debt. For our ages we have very little to show on the material side of things. I will end up renting (which is expensive here) and not have a great deal of money leftover after rent, food, bills are paid. I guess I should be happy that I have enough to put a roof over my head and eat well each day. I think I get a bit worried that my ex will find her sugar daddy and will start to try and win my son over with a nice home and all the luxuries that come with it. I have always been the Mr Mom in our family and it would kill me to lose any of the 4 nights per wk he spends with me. Dealing with my wife having a new man is one thing - I just hope she is not looking for a replacement dad for our son as well.

Oh yeah - today is also her 40th. I have not made contact and do not plan to. The only thing is that I have my son today and tonight - it is probably only right that I get him to call her for her birthday but I really don't want her to ask for me. Maybe I will send a video message via email from him instead.

Anyway, that is my rant for today. I also wanted to thank everyone in this section of TAM for the support and advice that got me where I am so far. I can honestly say it is far better than the advice I pay for through my IC!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Mothra, you are doing alright.

As to your kid having a replacement dad... AS IF!! No man will ever measure up to you in that department man, you know it and everyone here can see it, even your ex knows deep down she can never find her kid a better father, and she probably has no intention to.

If she does suddenly appeal for custody down the road, its a fight you can win, there is a precedent, plus why would some other guy want to have the responsibility of raising some other man's kids? If that happens know it is fake and that they are merely trying to impress each other with superficial gestures and maintain the image of people who have it together. No way would she ever be able to outlast you when it comes down to choosing your son's rightful dad.

ps if you want this thread to be a clean slate for your thoughts alone let me know and I can remove my comment.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Thanks Lon - no this thread is for my posts and replies as well. So I welcome your input.

I guess that is my pessimistic side coming out with my concerns regarding the new guy and custody. My IC tries to stop me dwelling on future fears but they seem to keep coming back. I seem to be doing well with detachment and the hurt of the separation is fading. But yes, all these fears of the unknown keep creeping into my headspace right now. 

Thank you for your thoughts and reassurance. My son means everything to me right now and I don't feel like sharing him with someone I have never met! We do have an agreement in place that we are not to introduce our boy to any new partners in the first six months of this separation and after that only when the relationship is serious. I hope she sticks to this as he is still coming to terms with everything and does not need his head messed around any more right now


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex and I had an agreement like that too, it is hard to enforce though, and her idea of "serious" will never match yours - it will hurt like a muthafcka when you realize she has or is introducing your son to some other strange-to-you man. It sucks, it really really does I can assure you. Best way to cope is to love your son, remain cautious and ready to intervene every day, but try to relax because there is only so much you do and some things stressing about can't solve. No matter what nothing can harm your relationship to your son if you are always there for him.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Well, my ex turned 40 yesterday and I resisted any urge to contact her. In fact, there was almost zero urge to do so. I did a bit of work then went into town for a coffee in the sun before dropping into the tattooist and booking in a job this Saturday. I had some money stashed away for her present when we were still together...may as well spend it on me now


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> Well, my ex turned 40 yesterday and I resisted any urge to contact her. In fact, there was almost zero urge to do so. I did a bit of work then went into town for a coffee in the sun before dropping into the tattooist and booking in a job this Saturday. I had some money stashed away for her present when we were still together...may as well spend it on me now


EXCUSE ME WHILE I STAND AND APPLAUD!

I hope OVS and UpnDown are reading this.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Mothra777,

As you may know I have a son I completely adore so I know what you are feeling about him being introduced to another man by your ex. But you have to relax. Don't worry about something that is not happening yet. And when it happens there's only so much you can do. Like Lon said. Just keep being the great father that you are. Kids are smart and know who's the "bad" one. 

As for your financial struggles, I also face this dilemma. But the important thing is you. Not what material stuff you have or whatever. Just worry about having a safe place for your boy and ignore the rest. Ignore the social pressures and attachments to things. 

I recommend you read Awareness by Anthony de Mello (if you haven't done so already). It's of great help and can help you understand a lot of things.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Conrad said:


> EXCUSE ME WHILE I STAND AND APPLAUD!
> 
> I hope OVS and UpnDown are reading this.


im reading it


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I had a bit of a backwards step yesterday and started missing my ex quite badly. It was triggered by me going to the movies to see The Dark Knight Rises by myself. I am usually ok seeing movies by myself and did it often during our marriage (as I am a film critic for a local magazine)...but yesterday I really missed having her there to cuddle and then discuss the movie afterwards. We were both fans of the Nolan revamp of the Batman franchise and I know she would have loved it.

I guess it is just me being human and missing the good parts of our marriage with this movie being a trigger for such emotions. Oh well, at least I did not have to share my popcorn


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Well the next 6 weeks are going to be a minefield of triggers but I think I am strong enough to deal with them.

Our son turns 8 in 2 weeks...the first time he will celebrate it with us separately. I have our first 'would have been' anniversary since the separation coming up in 3 weeks (it would have been 17 years). Then 3 weeks after that my birthday and Fathers Day (different date in Australia) fall on the same day.

I have organised a weekend away with some good friends on the anniversary weekend - we are going to treat it was a wake for my dead marriage. Another stepping stone to recovery. For my birthday I am having an 'Anti-40th' for my 41st birthday - because my 40th year sucked. I want to try again and look to new beginnings.

Nothing much else to update. Ex is still with new partner, I still haven't felt much about it at all. I'm still being dark with her. The only thing I keep coming back to is fear of future - financiallly, accommodation, adjusting to single life etc


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> Well the next 6 weeks are going to be a minefield of triggers but I think I am strong enough to deal with them.
> 
> Our son turns 8 in 2 weeks...the first time he will celebrate it with us separately. I have our first 'would have been' anniversary since the separation coming up in 3 weeks (it would have been 17 years). Then 3 weeks after that my birthday and Fathers Day (different date in Australia) fall on the same day.
> 
> ...


The hell you say.

Those are great updates.

The idea of being proactive, leveraging your friendships, and getting "out in front" of days you know would likely be difficult?

That's called getting healthy.

What a superb report. A tip of the cap.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I haven't updated for a while as there is not a great deal to report. I seem to have plateaued into a numb stage where I am not feeling much at all - no anger, no sadness, no jealousy, nothing. Probably loneliness is the major issue I am experiencing right now.
I seem to be entering into a stage of extreme loneliness and the feeling that I will be single for the rest of my life. Not a pleasant feeling. I have had some great support from friends and I have been getting out a lot but 99% of them are partnered or married. So it is fun hanging out with them but when I come home on my child free weekends the house is so empty and quiet. 

I start to think whether I miss her and I realise that I miss the person she used to be (she changed, I didn't which was one of the big reasons for her leaving). I miss having a 'complete' family and most of all I miss sharing my life with another person. But I also realise that I am still very much in recovery mode and am nowhere near ready to start dating. It is hard to picture ever being ready - it is not something I have ever had to do having met my ex and getting married quite young. So I have not so much as flirted with the opposite sex in over 17 years. I have terrible social anxiety with new people which is going to be a problem if I ever do hit the dating scene.

I really need to try to stop these fear of the future thoughts and concentrate on the here and now. I also need to come to terms with my singleness but it is hard when society in general sees it as abnormal and there are constant reminders (eg seeing happy families at parks/parties etc). Any tips on achieving these things?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I don't think society sees singlehood as abnormal.

I think some individuals do -- you and I included.

We were raised to think that way. But we need to accept our new normal.

I also am mainly dealing with loneliness now. Knowing I'm not ready to date because I feel so vulnerable, but wanting to have someone just the same.

So really, I think we are right on track. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I was just going to say the same thing. It seems like there are stages, and the 'lonely but not sure about dating' stage is certainly one of them. 

You are going great, Mothra! Ours is not a linear journey. There are many plateaus, and sometimes even backwards steps. But as long as the overall movement is forward, that's the best we can hope for.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Well the triggers mentioned in a previous post have been coming and going. Today was my son's 8th birthday and it was my weekend with him - so I threw him a small party with about 10 kids. I did all the food and entertained them. It was fairly stressful doing it by myself but to hear my boy laughing with his friends having the time of his life made it all worth it. Patting myself on the back a bit here but with it being his first birthday with me as a single parent and successfully pulling off a party left me feeling quite proud of myself.

...next weekend would have been out 17th wedding anniversary. It will be dinner with friends which we are treating like a wake for my dead marriage. There'll be mixed emotions I am sure but I'll be in good company with fine food, wine and plenty of laughs.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm proud of you for taking on the party and making it a success! I hope the memories of that day comfort you on your bad days.

Good for you, making plans with friends...anniversaries are tough. The mire you treat it like any other day, the easier it will be. If you feel down, try naming things you feel grateful for...it will help turn your thinking around. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Congrats on the b-day party! 10 kids - that's impressive. You have every right to be proud. and that's a great way to build memories with your son. 8 is a fun age, too. 

I agree with MA: it will be tough. for sure, so focusing on positives, like the friends you have, will help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Thanks Myself and Angelpixie...as each one of these events pass I feel I am conquered something. It may be babysteps to recovery but I will get there. Another upcoming one is my birthday which also falls on Fathers Day here in Australia - a double whammy!


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Wow! I have not posted for ages - so here I am 8 months down the track. I am by no means recovered but I have let go of a lot of the sadness and bitterness that consumed me early on. I think that has come about mainly due to the fact that I now realise how different my ex and I had become. Also understanding how I had become the 'nice guy' and threw everything at her in the hope that it would make her happy but totally forgetting to look out for myself in the process. But what is done is done and even though she hinted a few months ago that she regretted not trying harder then quickly backpedaled on the idea - I now know that there is no hope for reconciliation and it is now something that I would not want anyway. She is full steam ahead into a relationship with a new guy but I don't feel any jealousy or anger about that anymore. I just feel nothing towards her - not sure if this is just a phase or whether I am truly over her.

I am still at the 180 (for me) and many friends comment on how well I look. I have shed 13kgs and am dressing with more style. I am by no means a model but am feeling much better about myself.

It's been a rough year - about a month ago one of my best male friends took his own life. This crushed me to the core. But through this tragedy I reconnected with a female friend I had lost touch with 18 years ago (when I met my ex). We were best friends back then and she actually introduced me to my ex! Anyway - we have a ridiculous amount in common and have been hanging out a lot. She gets my warped humour and she is very attractive. It has been nice and I even toyed with the idea that maybe I could form something more than 'just friends' with her but recently it has become clear that this is not on her radar. It has left me feeling a bit strange...kind of like having a teenage crush on someone you cannot have  But perhaps I should just focus on remaining good friends with her. Ahhh...the dreaded 'friend zone' - an all too familiar trait of the 'nice guy syndrome'. I guess I need to just back off a bit and focus on other friendships outside of this one so I don't find myself all alone when she meets a new man.

So there you go - just a little update on a pretty f*%ked up year. Getting better bit by bit and somewhat more comfortable with the idea of being single. Hopefully 2013 will bring about something good.

Cheers,
Mothra


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Well done Mothra

*waves from Australia

Good to see you ahead of us in time and gettng it all together.

Well done on the weight loss and new threads. Soul food these make overs. 

At least you're getting out there with the new 'friend'. Just enjoy the company. 

Next year is looming... sounds like it's going to be owned by you 
Best of luck. 

love and peace


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> It's been a rough year - about a month ago one of my best male friends took his own life. This crushed me to the core. But through this tragedy I reconnected with a female friend I had lost touch with 18 years ago (when I met my ex). We were best friends back then and she actually introduced me to my ex! Anyway - we have a ridiculous amount in common and have been hanging out a lot. She gets my warped humour and she is very attractive. It has been nice and I even toyed with the idea that maybe I could form something more than 'just friends' with her but recently it has become clear that this is not on her radar. It has left me feeling a bit strange...kind of like having a teenage crush on someone you cannot have  But perhaps I should just focus on remaining good friends with her. Ahhh...the dreaded 'friend zone' - an all too familiar trait of the 'nice guy syndrome'. I guess I need to just back off a bit and focus on other friendships outside of this one so I don't find myself all alone when she meets a new man.


Do you ride a motorcycle?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

you sound great mothra, nice to hear from you, i think your doing good, miss hearing from you


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

No motorcycle Conrad...never had much of an interest in them. But I used to own a couple of 1960's classic cars - an interest that got quashed over the years and ended up selling them  Selling the house soon - might be time to get a 70's muscle car?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> No motorcycle Conrad...never had much of an interest in them. But I used to own a couple of 1960's classic cars - an interest that got quashed over the years and ended up selling them  Selling the house soon - might be time to get a 70's muscle car?


Convertible?

No bad ass with a bike or a convertible ends up in the friend zone.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

It's been a couple of months but I thought I would check in here. I've been lurking and reading a few threads over the past few days. Sad to see so many new folk with all the classic WAW and WAH traits. I hate that marriage has become such a disposable thing.

Anyway, my last update I mentioned being in the friend zone with an old female friend of mine...it is where I have always been with her and I think it was just a combination of lust and loneliness that had me fantasizing it could be something more. But the bottom line is that my relationship with her has always been more like a brother/sister one so for it to become intimate would have just been weird. Besides she has a boyfriend now but still stays in touch with me (not as much obviously) but that is cool, it is nice to have her back in my life. 

Deep down I also still do not think I am ready for a romantic relationship...there is too much unfinished business with my ex at present - I am still living in the marital home which needs to be put on the market and the due date for our divorce has not come up yet. Even though these things really shouldn't stop me from 'looking' I just feel they need to be done so all connections with my ex other than our son are severed. 

So it has been 10 months since the bomb was dropped. I have taken many steps forward but also drop back every now and then. The biggest realization I have had is that she has changed SO much as far as her fashion sense, interests, music tastes etc that I doubt we'd be compatible now anyway. But that is the key - she changed, a total 360 to who she was and I didn't. From when we met until her 39 turning 40 brain snap she was always the artistic type, into alternative music, art house films, cutting edge fashion, was a roller derby competitor and thought outside the square. So as a couple I guess we did not fit into the mainstream ideal for our age. Now she is just like everyone else which I find a little boring...I mean, there is nothing wrong with 'normal' but it was not what attracted me to her in the first place and it is not what I will be looking for in a new partner. This is not to say that I do not fit in with society and I run around with purple hair and facial peircings  At 41 that would be silly and would freak my professional clients out a bit! It is more about the way I live, the music I listen to, the movies I watch, things I am interested in etc etc

This realization does not mean I am over our 18 year relationship...there are many memories and we went through a lot during that time. I still have good days and bad days. But it has helped me understand things a bit better. Some days I feel quite good and proud at how far I have come from that broken man curled up in the foetal position on the floor bawling his eyes out. But other days I still mourn the loss of my marriage - not so much with tears but just a deep feeling of sadness and it can be hard to get out of that funk!

I have kept a very active social life - I am out with friends seeing bands or going to parties most weekends. I have also played a few gigs with my recently reformed band that I sing for...which is a great form of escapism especially when singing about divorce (eg our cover of Ween's P*ss Up a Rope). I have also lost a lot of weight, am much fitter and have improved my wardrobe/hairstyle etc I do get many comments from female friends on how well I am looking now - unfortunately these women are all married or 'accounted for' ...but it does help the self esteem when I hear such compliments from the opposite sex.

The biggest issue I am dealing with at present is that I have always and still suffer from really bad social anxiety - I am fine with close friends but terrible with new people - to the point of panic. This part of my personality scares the sh*t out of me - especially when it comes to even thinking about meeting a new partner. It is hard for those of you who are socially comfortable but anyone out there who experiences social anxiety will understand how horrible it is. Unfortunately with the hammered self esteem that comes with being the dumpee - this social anxiety has become worse with new people. To the point that I think I need some professional help with it. Perhaps I need to see a psychiatrist about it as it stops me from doing a lot of new things.

That's about it from me - I am still a long way off recovery but have come a long way when I look at my earlier posts. 18 years is a long time to be with someone and I still expect it to take a while more yet until I can confidently say I have completely moved on. Thanks for reading!


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