# hobbies away from family creating problems



## lmtosf (Jul 28, 2014)

This post is inspired from the man-child post thread going in the mens clubhouse. 

The issues discussed in that thread are actually the biggest issue in our marriage, and I would like to get peoples thoughts on my specific situation. 

I go away for 4-5 days every 4-6 weeks to hiking and camping by myself without my family (2 kids, middle school and high school age). Previously it was going to races at about the same frequency, but I dropped that a couple years ago. I also do competitive shooting events without my family for half a day a couple times a month.

My wife says it is selfish to do this. She doesn't understand how I could possibly not want to be with my family at all times, everyday, when I am not at work. She resents that she has to watch the kids, though she admits she enjoys every minute with them and doesn't want to go away to do anything alone anyway. I have offered many times to take off work and let her have some days away when she wants, but she is not interested in going away from the kids. 

I agree it is selfish, obviously, because I am doing it for me and me only. But I do not think it is excessive time away. I would absolutely do the same for her (take care of the household and kids) if she did something similar. I did grow up with a strong father figure, so its not that like some speculated in the man-child thread, about men having a poor or no father figure growing up. 

I just like doing things periodically that my family can not do (either due to school schedules or they are not old enough, or commonly, just not interested). I was very independent growing up, didnt mind playing by myself as a child or when older, I still don't need to be with people so I am a bit of a loner personality I guess. Sometimes I just want to be by myself for a while. I enjoy the time in the woods alone. 

This has built up stress in our marriage over the past 20 years to the point where she wants me to drop my hobbies or else. "Else" has not been specified by her, but she would not want to divorce until the kids are out of the house (again, thinking of the kids before herself as she always does). It would more likely be having a cold, sexless marriage while the kids are in the house, something I could not live with. We have a good sex life currently. 

My wife is a great mom. Except for our different views on my activities, she is a great wife. She says I am a great dad to the kids. I am torn here since I know I have a great family and would be stupid to endanger that. But I also like doing things on my own, it makes me a happier person. I am in my 40s, so do I give up on my hobbies that take me away from her periodically for the rest of my life or accept a cold marriage until the kids move out? Or something else? 

Thanks for your thoughts...


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## JW8614 (Sep 8, 2014)

I think it's good that you make time for yourself and enjoy some "me-time".

Maybe you can cut back on the amount of time spent away to appease your wife, but I wouldn't kill it all together. People need time to themselves!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

JW8614 said:


> I think it's good that you make time for yourself and enjoy some "me-time".
> 
> Maybe you can cut back on the amount of time spent away to appease your wife, but I wouldn't kill it all together. People need time to themselves!


:iagree:

Some people need more time to themselves than others, but if it is causing marriage problems in an otherwise good marriage, it's time to cut back.

Maybe you don't have to go camping every 4-6 weeks. Maybe you can go camping a 3-4 times a year instead of 8-12 times a year.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

So you're saying you're gone on overnight trips from 30-60 days per year? Up to two full months per year where you are having fun by yourself while your wife gets to handle running the house and handling the kids by herself.

I would say cut down the alone time and invite your family to join you camping sometimes. Think of the awesome memories you'd make.

Does your wife get to have equal time to do her own activities without her family responsibilities? She may be declining to do this, but only because she doesn't feel you will be there to back her up.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As my kids have gotten older they've come along on all sorts of adventures. The only one who generally doesn't come along is my wife now. She's always invited, but it's mostly out of her comfort zone.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm hearing that you spend a good bit of alone/hobby time. I'm hearing that you've offered to watch the kids so your wife can do the same.

What I am not hearing is about the things you and your wife do together, recreationally, both with and without the children. How much time to the two of you spend doing mutually enjoyable hobbies/activities together as a couple?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

First of all, yes, that sounds excessive. I assume you're working around 20-25 days a month if you have a regular job, so you're telling us that something like 50% of your non-work days are spent entirely away from your family.

Second, a big part of the problem is your complete unwillingness to see your wife's side of this. We can all sit here telling you whether you're right or wrong, but your wife is the one you married, agreed to be life partners with. You're simply brushing aside a very serious concern of hers, instead looking for anonymous strangers to give you a pass. You're making no effort to compromise with her.That is selfish, extremely so.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

It's great you have hobbies. But wow, you are spending way too much time away from home. You need to pare down your camping trips by quite a bit. 

I say this only because my friend, whose exH is an avid hunter and fisher, suffered the same price as your wife. She was stuck at home w/the kids 100%. She couldn't even leave for an hour to go work out.

That said, her exH is a total dillhole. An only child, had entitlement issues, and extremely selfish. He never offered to take the kids for a bit, as you have suggested to your wife. You have offered to give her time away. Good for you.

However, you must compromise. Cut back on your camping time. See how it goes.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

How much time are spending with your wife? Do you go away with her a few times a year? You have a lot of vacation time at your job. While I agree it's important to spend time by yourself I agree with your wife you are gone too much. I would say a 4 times a year would be a good compromise.


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## lmtosf (Jul 28, 2014)

Thanks for your responses. The consensus from my friends is similar to what I am hearing here, cut back on away time to see if that works with her and still makes me happy. 

To answer some questions... I take my sons camping a few times a year when their schedule permits. I have a better time with them then without them by far, but with their school schedule and summer sports, its hard to get away for more than a day. 

My wife and I spend a lot of time together during the week. We usually watch a TV show together before bed (House of Cards right now), the family eats together usually, and I go with her a few times a week on household trips like grocery shopping. I work part time as of last summer, only go into the office 2 days a week. I have been very fortunate and had a great career in the investments industry and could early retire now but like to keep my toe in the water since I still find it enjoyable. My wife stopped her career when our first child was born. 

So one of the big differences over two years ago that I keep telling her is that two years ago I would be traveling for work at least 2-3 days per week and working late, never home by dinner time, for the rest of the week. But this does not make a difference at all to her, because it was work. If I am away at work she doesn't seem upset at all. If I am away at play, its a problem. Being a numbers guy, I have gone through it showing how much more time we spend together now versus the prior 20 or so years, but that doesn't matter to her. I just don't get it, it doesn't seem logical to me. And I know that is the root of my problem. I need to understand her thinking on this.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

lmtosf said:


> Thanks for your responses. The consensus from my friends is similar to what I am hearing here, cut back on away time to see if that works with her and still makes me happy.
> 
> To answer some questions... I take my sons camping a few times a year when their schedule permits. I have a better time with them then without them by far, but with their school schedule and summer sports, its hard to get away for more than a day.
> 
> ...


Hey man, sorry, but wake up! You're spinning your wheels here, trying to rationalize why you're not wrong, why your wife is being completely unreasonable, but the reality is (1) she's not being completely unreasonable and (2) it's your relationship WITH HER that matters in the end, not what we think. 

She has a serious problem, she's given you an ultimatum, and you're sleepwalking right now, you're making excuses instead of addressing it. I DON'T CARE what you think is "logical," and you shouldn't care what I think is "logical" either, unless you're willing to risk your marriage for your camping trips.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Just to be clear: not saying you have to do everything she wants, not saying you have to give up camping/climbing completely. But you've got to start recognizing your wife's FEELINGS, not trying to rationalize them away. You have to work with your wife on this if you want your marriage to work.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

When you were traveling for work, you had no choice in the matter. When you go away now it's your choice and she feels that you would rather be alone than with her and your family. I would feel the same way. This is an easy fix, go away less, wife is happy so your happy and you still get some time to yourself.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Just remember folks...when the kids grow up and move out, husbands and wives will need to look at each other for the remaining 40+ years. If you have separate lives now, it ain't gonna get any better. 

How many times have you seen walk-away wives in recent history? I'm getting closer and closer to 50 and I see plenty. Wives get fed up and leave. I'm not saying it's right, just saying it happens. A lot of it is poor communication. The woman seethes for years while man doesn't realize it. And then he's hit with "I've tried telling you for years." as she's walking out the door.

What are your plans to living a SHARED life once the kids leave? Are you going to go all Grizzly Adams and spent your golden years alone at a campsite without your wife? What's the point?

And if my H told me that grocery shopping together should be counted as quality couples time, I'd shave his eyebrows off in his sleep. 

I hope you two can find some additional shared activities. Maybe a compromise where she dabbles in your hobbies and you can dabble in hers...once she is given the freedom to find some.

Good luck!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

yeah_right said:


> And if my H told me that grocery shopping together should be counted as quality couples time, I'd shave his eyebrows off in his sleep.


Obviously you dotn do it the way my GF and I do...

OP...its nice that you have hobbies, but they arent playing well with the family. Why dont you pare it down to weekends and take the kids and wife with you?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> And if my H told me that grocery shopping together should be counted as quality couples time, I'd shave his eyebrows off in his sleep.


This. Seriously. 

OP, two people can have very different perceptions about the exact same situation without either of them being wrong. 

I say that because your insistence that your wife's reaction to your graphs and flowcharts on increased time together is irrational, proves to me that you don't know it. 

Your wife wants to spend time with you. You spend years leaving her at home while you're off working. What happens when you finally retire and have tons more free time? You bolt. Off to do your own thing. Telling her that she actually sees you more than she did when you were working does not help. It does not make her feel loved, valued or cared for. Rather, what she sees is that now that you have more leisure time, you're opting to spend it alone rather than with her. That hurts. You're hurting your wife. 

Start spending 15 hours each and every week with your wife, just the two of you, directly engaged in doing fun date-like things. After you've ensured that you're hitting that 15-hour mark each week, you're free to do whatever you'd like with the remainder of your free time. If, when consistently getting 15 hours per week of quality time together, she still thinks you're gone too much, then you might have a legitimate claim to her being petty. Right now, you really don't.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lmtosf said:


> My wife and I spend a lot of time together during the week. We usually watch a TV show together before bed (House of Cards right now), the family eats together usually, and I go with her a few times a week on household trips like grocery shopping. I work part time as of last summer, only go into the office 2 days a week.


That's all the time you spend with your wife? That's it? 1 hour a night watching tv (instead of focusing on each other), and running errands together or eating dinner with the kids, is not nearly enough together-time with just you and your wife. 

What about leaving the kids and going out to dinner or for a walk or to see some live music? When do you two connect as an adult couple, alone? 

Do you take any trips anywhere together, just the two of you?



> So one of the big differences over two years ago that I keep telling her is that two years ago I would be traveling for work at least 2-3 days per week and working late, never home by dinner time, for the rest of the week. But this does not make a difference at all to her, because it was work. If I am away at work she doesn't seem upset at all. If I am away at play, its a problem. Being a numbers guy, I have gone through it showing how much more time we spend together now versus the prior 20 or so years, but that doesn't matter to her. I just don't get it, it doesn't seem logical to me. And I know that is the root of my problem. I need to understand her thinking on this.


Work is required. 8-12 weeks away from your family on camping trips is not required. Since you don't even want to cut down on those, it really starts to seem like you don't actually want to spend much free time with your family or your wife. It's different from a work requirement that takes you away from the family. One is voluntary and the other is not.

I've worked with many consultants and software sales guys who simply cannot handle being at home after a career of work travel. Their wives were mostly "single moms" handling EVERYTHING at home while their husbands are on the road - kids, bills, groceries, doctor's appointments, car maintenance, etc. Then dad (early) retires, and he's suddenly home more than he ever was and he can't deal with all the family time. The wife, who was hoping he would FINALLY have time for her and the family once he retired is finding that her H looks for excuses to be out of the house and take no responsibility for anything at home. IF that's you, be careful. You and your wife will have nothing holding you together, and no goodwill left to work through things, after the kids are out of the house.


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## lmtosf (Jul 28, 2014)

These are all very helpful comments, I appreciate you all taking the time. I have been lurking on the board since last summer looking for similar situations and finally decided to post my situation after reading the thread I mentioned. I am glad I did. I know you all are right, I just have to get it through my thick head.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

two things come to mind. My Brothers wife used to go to hobby retreats regularly. I thought it was crazy that he put up with it. Now I think he appreciated the break. Second thing my wife encourages me to go away. Maybe she needs a break from me. My hobby is now scouting. Usually I go with my son, but that changes starting this summer. I'll have several events that he won't be to. 

Should be interesting to see if her attitude changes.
MN


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Your wife wants to spend time with you. You spend years leaving her at home while you're off working. What happens when you finally retire and have tons more free time? You bolt. Off to do your own thing.


Ah yes very good , but, . . . .
She doesn't accept invitations to be with him. 
Way back When I was newly wed, an older couple we were acquainted with almost divorced. I mean they separated. There was another woman involved as well. The wife had always dismissed his hobbies as just that silly man/boy stuff. Well when he found another woman who was interested in his interests, the sparks flew. The wife finally decided that it was time she learned about his hobbies instead of hiding in her room reading on hobby nights. She saved it by taking an interest in her man. 

Just a related story. I think couples should at least try to be interested in what ignites their spouses passions. Also some alone time is healthy.

MN


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> Should be interesting to see if her attitude changes.


A quick report, Upon returning home from this weekends Leadership seminar / camp, where my son taught and my group of 3 new leaders learned. I got a BJ. 

To put this into perspective. In a good year I get 3 of those.
MN


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yes you're being selfish and spending WAY too much time away from your family.

No one is saying that you need to completely cut out your camping - that wouldn't be fair either. The key here is COMPROMISE.

Cut it back, go away less and spend more time with your family.

If you don't, you might find yourself with all the time in the world to go camping when your wife leaves and takes the kids...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

So, you describe together time as:

- Eat dinner together
- Watch TV together 
- Go food shopping together 

I actually mentioned the first 2 in a separate post about what quality time means to you. However, none of these things are very FUN (like say, a date night or activity), they're more routine. So, good that you do them together (anything done together helps with bonding), but after a while they'll get drab. 

What are the fun things you do or have done together, just the two of you?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Glad to see you have been lurking and taking in some of this information. I'll summarize some key points I've seen in assorted posts:

- Time away for work was not optional; time away for your hobbies is and while I agree everyone should have their own interests, some cutting back would be nice. 
- The activities you are listed aren't quality time. You aren't focused on each other. You are focused on the show, the purpose for the errand, the kids during dinner conversation (which is great, btw), etc. Your wife might enjoy your setting aside some time where you really focus on her. SEE her, HEAR her. 

Do you have a date night? Or day since your work is flexible? Don't forget you still have to court her. Picnics while the kids are at school, mornings where you invite her to jump back in bed once they've gone so you can cuddle and have pillow talk, evenings out having dinner where you do NOT talk about kids, finances, business, etc.

Although she is invited, she isn't interested. Does she have ANY hobbies? What about before you two met? Encourage her to take up something she used to enjoy. Have you told them you'd love for them to come watch you shoot? Could that be made into a family outing instead of you leaving them behind?

Some day the kids will be gone and grown and you won't see that much of them. Make the most of the time now. have you considered taking them out of school to go camping somewhere educational like yellowstone? I know my daughter's school is supportive of these types of absences, even offering some form of extra credit in applicable classes if the child makes an educational project, paper or presentation about their experience. So maybe you can combine some of your time into family time. It requires being creative. You could go to a resort, spent one night there, leave for a couple nights of camping while your wife has spa treatments or does something just for her. 

Also, what about asking a friend/grandparent/sibling stay with the boys for a few days and take her somewhere a couple times a year? If family friends, wou can always offer the other couple to reciprocate and have their kids come stay with you for a long weekend. Leave Friday morning and come back Sunday evening.

Every time you think of something fun to do, ask if she'd like to. i.e. you read an add for champagne sunrise hot air balloon rides. Ask her if that sounds fun. If she says yes, make a mental note, schedule it, buy a "thinking of you" greeting card with the tickets, the add cut out, the website printed, etc. It wouldn't hurt to add something nice like "You are the only one I ever want to see the sunrise with".

Anything she wants to do, no matter how mildly she is interested, jump on it. You have a LOT of years ahead. Make some memories.


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