# I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!



## littledreamer

I need help coping with the tremendous amount of guilt I'm feeling. I have cheated on my husband of 12 years with my ex boyfriend (high school sweetheart). We reconnected on Facebook, and have been chatting for a few months...I feel HORRIBLE! I mean, it wasn't just a casual one night stand...there are emotions involved. It's happened twice now. I don't think I can tell my husband....it would hurt him terribly...and I love him so much. We have 2 kids ( 8 and 11) and if he found out, I'm sure he'd leave me. What do I do? I am trying to convince myself it won't happen again...any advice, please?


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## michzz

Yeah, stop acting like you are powerless to stop yourself from cheating.

If your husband will leave you over this, that is his choice--that you are preventing by living this lie.

You should stop cheating and tell your husband what you have been doing. He deserves to know the truth of his life with you as much as you do.

Seek professional help and get off Facebook.


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## Feelingalone

Be honest and tell him, otherwise you are "controlling" him by hiding the truth. And marriage isn't built on lies. And yes he might leave you and that is his right to choose. But I imagine if he finds out on his own -- after your behavior changes -- which it most likely already has -- it is more likely for him to leave than if you have the courage to tell him the truth yourself.


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## michzz

I forgot to tell you to get tested for STDs. Even if you think there are emotions involved, viruses and bacteria don't care about that.

Please do not let your husband find out about your infidelity by contracting an STD.


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## Runawaytrain

Some people will say tell him, some will say not. All I can say is I wish I didn't know. That being said, I wish I had found out from my H and not the OW. It might have been a tiny bit better. 

No more facebook!!! No more ex!! No more contact with this man at all. You say you love your husband. Then prove it. People make mistakes. Prove that you have learned from yours. Take all that guilt that you feel and turn it into good things. Take time for your husband, do all the things he likes, take care of him. Let him know how much you love him. Watch Fireproof. I don't know if you should tell him or not. If you do, be prepared. He might leave you. If you don't, you will feel guilty. You should feel guilty too. My H said he never would of told me even though it ate him up. He said, "Why would I want to hurt you like that". These things have a way of coming out though. I read somewhere that affairs are very common, what isn't common is the discovery of the affair. I really wish I didn't know. 

An ex is an ex for a reason. You are putting on him on a pedestal. Is he even single or is he married too? I'm seeing a lot of this on these boards. 

Go to counseling and get off facebook!!


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## littledreamer

Thank you for not being judgemental. No, the ex isn't married... I wouldn't have done it if he were. I just torn between telling him or not. I don't want to hurt him...or lose him. I made a HUGE mistake, and just want to learn from this and move on. Perhaps it will make our marriage stronger in the long run? I don't know.....


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## DawnD

Uh, you wouldn't have cheated if HE was married?? Sorry, just sounds a bit weird to me. I had to find out from someone other than my H, and that is 100x worse than hearing it from your spouse. You need to tell him, you need to get you both into counseling and you surely need to get tested for any STD's. This will also mean that your H may leave, but would you want him to keep you in a marriage where he lied to you about sleeping with other people??? Probably not.


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## Feelingalone

The marriage can't get stronger without truth and honesty.


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## michzz

littledreamer said:


> Thank you for not being judgemental. No, the ex isn't married... I wouldn't have done it if he were. I just torn between telling him or not. I don't want to hurt him...or lose him. I made a HUGE mistake, and just want to learn from this and move on. Perhaps it will make our marriage stronger in the long run? I don't know.....


As your marriage stands now this affair will not result in a stronger marriage in the long run.

Why? Because only you know the true state of your marriage. Your husband does not.

Your only concern seems to be the impact on you if your infidelity is discovered or you reveal it.

The only way your marriage can survive is with the truth known by the both of you.

Anything less than that? You will repeat your decision to cheat and lie. 

Why do I say that? Because you want to do want you did again--still.


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## littledreamer

First of all, we used condoms...so STD's aren't a factor. Secondly, I care about what happens to my husband and kids if I tell him. Not ME. Perhaps I should have been more clear with my original post, my apologies. I have been with my husband for 15 years. NEVER cheated on him, nor had any desire to. Until I reconnected with my ex. He and I have a history: my first love, lost my virginity to him, etc. I am not some floosy that picked up a man in a bar! I am hoping to get some non-judgemental advice on this. Do I tell my husband or not? Some say no...others say yes. I would like to hear from both sides. Thank you.


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## ktilash

Yes you tell your husband. Honesty is most important in a marriage.


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## Crypsys

Yes, tell your husband, truth is paramount in a marriage. If you lie then that makes your entire marriage a lie. Your husband deserves the truth from you.

You made the mistake, not him. Do not compound your mistake by lying about it. Because honestly little, if it happened once it could happen more times if not delt with. I know you say you'd never do it again, but be honest with yourself. You were weak once, what's to stop you from being weak again? That thought process is exactly how people end up addicted to things (food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc). You were not strong enough to stop it the first time, you probably will not be strong enough to stop it the next time it happens.

The only way this will end up positive is if you tell your husband, and go into counseling together.


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## Feelingalone

If you really care about your husband then tell him the truth. The rest of your argument is just rationalization to protect yourself from the short term pain that will inevitably be involved and to manipulate your husband subconsciously which is a form of control. 

And goodness calm down, the comment about STDs was a valid one based on the limited facts at hand when the person stated it and did not imply that you were a floosy.


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## Mom6547

You absolutely MUST tell your husband. Break ALL contact with the other man IN WRITING that you can share with your husband. Get armed with information about saving a marriage after an affair. Come clean. Tell him it was the worst mistake you ever made. You are telling him now so if he can move past it, you want to work on re-earning his trust...

Good luck.

S


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## Mom6547

littledreamer said:


> First of all, we used condoms...so STD's aren't a factor. Secondly, I care about what happens to my husband and kids if I tell him. Not ME. Perhaps I should have been more clear with my original post, my apologies. I have been with my husband for 15 years. NEVER cheated on him, nor had any desire to. Until I reconnected with my ex. He and I have a history: my first love, lost my virginity to him, etc. I am not some floosy that picked up a man in a bar!


I am not trying to say this to be judgmental. I am saying this so you really DO learn from this. Precisely WHAT it is you need to learn. You had warning signs of what was happening before it happened. You went back for seconds. Two lessons I think you need to learn is lead yourself not into temptation. AND if you go into conversations attempting to excuse yourself in any way, as with I am not a floozy and we had a connection, I do not expect it to go over well.


Good luck! Many people would just get scared and squelch it. You are trying to do the right thing.


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## DawnD

The STD comment isn't about being judgemental, its about being practical. Do you think your H might want you to get tested since he will have had every trust broken by you? Probably. Makes sense to just go ahead and do it. Because when you do come clean, you will have to PROVE that you are being honest. Nothing gets taken at your word. 

If you are looking for insight, here you go. My H had an affair. Slept with the girl 3 times. He didn't tell me. I found out 18 months later from the OW's husband that they had an affair. Why didn't he tell? He didn't want to hurt ME. He did that when he screwed her. He wanted to protect ME. How?? By lying and manipulating me?That doesn't seem protective at all! He didn't know how to tell me. But it was okay to get the information from his mistress' husband? Not really. See what I mean? Most of the part where you are thinking about him ( or think you are) really are for selfish reasons. I am sure you can justify it all as for him, but in the long run it won't be. So spare your spouse the pain. Chances are the marriage wasn't wonderful if you started in with someone else. Have some counselors printed off, so after you tell him you can choose a counselor together. Be proactive. You have kids, so arrange for someone to keep them for the night so you can tell him what is really going on.


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## michzz

Not to get sidetracked about the STD issue, but I am not sure you really understand WHY this is important. It is not just an exercise designed to humiliate you and to confront the very real physical risks to your husband and even to yourself of contracting an STD.

See, not all STDs are stopped by condom usage.

You can contract HPV or herpes, for example. Or get Get exposed to crab lice.

HPV can give you cervical cancer or at the very least cause warts on both you and your husband's private areas.

And this risk of exposure to STDs doesn't even address incorrect condom usage or a broken condom.

So whatever else you are going to do (or not), be aware of these risks.

A good sobering website to read:

Information On Why Condoms Don't Stop All STDs


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## Initfortheduration

I have to concur with VTHSM. You must tell your husband. But under no circumstances try to defend yourself by making any statements that in anyway try to mitigate your responsibility. ANYTHING less then complete acceptance and contrition will be a slap in the face. And will create an atmosphere that you felt entitled (In his mind). After all you are not a "floozy". Maybe not. But just how do you think that statement will console him?

Another reason to tell him EVERYTHING....is that your guilt will poison your marriage. POISON IT. You will have to callous your heart towards your husband, you will have to emotionally divest yourself from him. You will have to justify what you did to yourself, by saying things like "we had a connection". Oh, and you will justify it to yourself. You already have. That's why you were able to do it in the first place. You justified it. "I'll only do it once." Fine you only did it once. BUT then you were able to justify doing it AGAIN. 

You said you wouldn't have done it if he was married. Why? Because his wife deserved his fidelity more then your husband deserved yours? You have asked for non-judgmental advice. You did not use JUDGMENT in cheating on your husband. Now you don't want JUDGMENT from those here, many of whom are in the same situation as your husband. These are your first few posts. The first few posts often include 2x4s. Why? Because the cheaters first few posts usually have justifying statements like yours. When you are able to go to your husband with something like this.

*Honey, I have something to say to you, but I need you to let me finish speaking before you say anything. I have written it down so I can focus completely on what I want to tell you.

First know this, I love you and I love our kids more then I can express. But I have done something horrible. I had sex (not made love) with my old boyfriend twice. I know that I have betrayed you and our family. And I am beside myself with guilt and sorrow. This affair was completely my fault. I have no excuse, no reason for what happened. You did not do anything to deserve this. The fault completely lies with me. I know that what I have done is unforgivable. And a complete betrayal of our love and my vows to you. I will listen to all you have to say. If you need space from me, I understand. I will make any arrangements necessary. But hope that we can spare the children as much as possible. I have broken all contact with xxxxxx and will never speak or contact him again. It may be too soon and I know I don't deserve it but I am praying that you will give me the opportunity to restore our marriage. I will answer any and all questions you have. I am so very sorry. *

Until you can tell him something like that, without even a hint of self justification or reasoning, don't even bother to tell him. It will only hurt him more.


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## synonimous_anonymous

Long ago I had a conversation with my wife, who was just my girlfriend at the time. We got into this really deep conversation and talked about cheating (And here I am, I have been cheated on). She said "If you cheat, use a condom. That's not me giving you permission to go have sex that's me protecting myself." I asked her if she could ever forgive me for cheating and she said "I think I could once, because your a man. But if you do and you think you can keep it a secret, I would rather not know." I told her "If you cheat, I want to know." and we both sat there saying that would never happen to us. Of course, we were both wrong. I'm I glad I know? Yes. I would rather know, get the anger out of the way and not feel like an idiot walking around in a lie. I would say you have lost the right to stay with your husband if you cheated on him and he decides to leave. The sooner you tell him, the sooner he can deal with it, the sooner you can put your marriage back on the road to recovery. Will your marriage be stronger, well...you seem to want to make it stronger so all you need is for your husband to want the same thing. The affair happened for a reason, something your husband wasn't giving you. That's no excuse for you to have done this horrible thing. He will be very VERY hurt. It will take a long time for him to recover, if he chooses to take that road. Be remorseful, be ready for a verbal onslaught, be ready for the questions he's going to have and answer them HONESTLY!

It sounds to me (Just my honest opinion) that you are waiting for someone to say "Don't tell him, just do 'this" But I don't know that many people here would give that advice. Can you live with yourself knowing that every time you kiss your husband he thinks 'Those lips have only been kissing mine for all these years, what a lucky guy I am.' If you can live with the guilt and you're certain he'll never find out and feel no moral obligation to inform him about your activities so that you can BOTH improve your marriage, the don't say anything. That's not my first choice though...


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## NotJustMe

littledreamer said:


> First of all, we used condoms...so STD's aren't a factor.


Condoms are not 100%. You had sex with someone who was not your husband, so STDs are most definitely a factor, period.



> Secondly, I care about what happens to my husband and kids if I tell him. Not ME.


Good, then be completely honest with him so that you both can make an informed decision as to the future of this relationship. Sure, it's scary, and he will definitely be upset, and just might decide that the marriage is over. Guess what? He has that right, and it as selfish as what you did was, it's just as selfish to deny him the option.



> Perhaps I should have been more clear with my original post, my apologies. I have been with my husband for 15 years. NEVER cheated on him, nor had any desire to. Until I reconnected with my ex. He and I have a history: my first love, lost my virginity to him, etc. I am not some floosy that picked up a man in a bar!


Yet the fact remains that NOW you HAVE cheated on him. You made a conscious decision to meet this other man and have sex...twice. In many ways this makes what you did that much WORSE than "some floozy picking up a man in a bar".



> I am hoping to get some non-judgemental advice on this. Do I tell my husband or not? Some say no...others say yes. I would like to hear from both sides. Thank you.


I am not judging you at all. I am sure your marriage is lacking in at least one way, perhaps many. At this point your only excuse for not telling your husband is so that you keep the option open to stay married to him while having this other man on the side for the occasional roll in the hay.

Be an adult. Be honest with your husband, and decide whether or not you want to stay married and faithful to him, or if you want to be single again. You don't get to have it both ways...nobody does, that's what the guilt you are feeling is all about.


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## CaliRN

U love him so much and u f'd another man!! Lol yeah right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo

You know what makes it comically tragic?

You don't indicate any desire whatsoever to end the affair.
You just don't like the downside. Guilt. Betrayal. Possibility of losing your husband, harming your children. People thinking you are a 'floosy'.

You are going to presume that I'm being mean and judgmental. I can only assure you that I'm not. Just like you love your husband and would never want to hurt him.

Ironic, isn't it?

I'm going to make some presumptions of my own. 
You haven't ended it with your ex. You are still in contact. You _want_ to hang onto him - and despite your guilt, the physical relationship makes you feel things that you do not, or have not felt with your husband for quite some time.

How exactly do you think this whole thing ends? 

We can't absolve you. Sounds like you can't absolve yourself. Absolutely nothing will improve until you make a choice.




littledreamer said:


> I need help coping with the tremendous amount of guilt I'm feeling. I have cheated on my husband of 12 years with my ex boyfriend (high school sweetheart). We reconnected on Facebook, and have been chatting for a few months...I feel HORRIBLE! I mean, it wasn't just a casual one night stand...there are emotions involved. It's happened twice now. I don't think I can tell my husband....it would hurt him terribly...and I love him so much. We have 2 kids ( 8 and 11) and if he found out, I'm sure he'd leave me. What do I do? I am trying to convince myself it won't happen again...any advice, please?


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## littledreamer

Deejo said:


> You know what makes it comically tragic?
> 
> You don't indicate any desire whatsoever to end the affair.
> You just don't like the downside. Guilt. Betrayal. Possibility of losing your husband, harming your children. People thinking you are a 'floosy'.
> 
> You are going to presume that I'm being mean and judgmental. I can only assure you that I'm not. Just like you love your husband and would never want to hurt him.
> 
> Ironic, isn't it?
> 
> I'm going to make some presumptions of my own.
> You haven't ended it with your ex. You are still in contact. You _want_ to hang onto him - and despite your guilt, the physical relationship makes you feel things that you do not, or have not felt with your husband for quite some time.
> 
> How exactly do you think this whole thing ends?
> 
> We can't absolve you. Sounds like you can't absolve yourself. Absolutely nothing will improve until you make a choice.


Your presumptions are fairly accurate...I am trying to cut ties with my ex. I haven't had any physical contact with him since this posting..and have told him we can't see each other anymore. Again, I came to this site for advice, and not to be judged. I realize I have made a horrible mistake. I am torn because I don't think it will do any good to tell my husband. It will hurt him AND the kids. Would it be so terrible to keep it a secret? Could I take this to my grave? I have yet to hear from someone that may feel the same way....or perhaps been in that situation?


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## littledreamer

CaliRN said:


> U love him so much and u f'd another man!! Lol yeah right
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the "advice" CaliRN. I didn't come here to be verbally attacked.


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## NotJustMe

littledreamer said:


> I have yet to hear from someone that may feel the same way....or perhaps been in that situation?


So you aren't looking for advice at all then? Plenty of advice has been given, it just seems you aren't willing to take it.

If you are looking for people to agree with you, or for vindication, you may be in the wrong place.

You are right in thinking that he may become very upset and angry, and choose to end the marriage. That is his right. You have shown a lack of love and respect for him, and right now your marriage is full of secrecy and deceit...and if you do not come clean with him, it will always feel to you the way it feels now.


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## Crypsys

littledreamer said:


> I have yet to hear from someone that may feel the same way....


Maybe that in itself should be the answer, you just don't want to accept it. Your looking in vain for an answer that YOU want to hear, not an answer that you SHOULD hear. 

The advice you have been given on this topic is what we all individually think you should do. You can either take that advice, or convince yourself we are all a bunch of idiots/pharasies/buttholes. I'll be brutally honest in the end it's not my marriage, and your not my wife. What you decide and what you do doesn't and will not impact my life. Your the one who will have to deal with whatever decision it is you decide to make. It's a simple A or B answer: either tell him or don't.


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## Wisp

When/Should you speak to your husband be prepared for the fallout, if you choose not to then the risk is you will start again with the ex.. 

It will be tough but the correct course of action is to talk to your husband, you will need to do so as soon as you can, the longer you wait the more confused you will be, if your H loves you he will hurt but you will get through this, if you were to let him know what course of action you are prepared to take then it gives a way forward. Things like a no-contact letter he reads before it is sent. If there is a risk the ex continues to pursue you then work with your H to disclose the affair to the ex's family etc.. Do not worry about the consequences to the ex

We are here to help you go forward and yes it is unpleasant but so are affairs and Y*ES we are here to help you* rebuild yourself and your marriage.


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## Wisp

Littledreamer:

The extract below from one of the posts sent to you earlier is a starting point in your conversation with your H. Not easy but it has to be done..

*"Honey, I have something to say to you, but I need you to let me finish speaking before you say anything. I have written it down so I can focus completely on what I want to tell you.

First know this, I love you and I love our kids more then I can express. But I have done something horrible. I had sex (not made love) with my old boyfriend twice. I know that I have betrayed you and our family. And I am beside myself with guilt and sorrow. This affair was completely my fault. I have no excuse, no reason for what happened. You did not do anything to deserve this. The fault completely lies with me. I know that what I have done is unforgivable. And a complete betrayal of our love and my vows to you. I will listen to all you have to say. If you need space from me, I understand. I will make any arrangements necessary. But hope that we can spare the children as much as possible. I have broken all contact with xxxxxx and will never speak or contact him again. It may be too soon and I know I don't deserve it but I am praying that you will give me the opportunity to restore our marriage. I will answer any and all questions you have. I am so very sorry. "*


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## OneMarriedGuy

I once heard this said about commitment. 

While climbing the ladder to the diving board, you are not committed, you always can get back down. Even if you are at the top and ready to approach the board - it maybe embarrassing asking all those in line to move, but you still can get back down. It's not until you are in motion and your feet have left the board that you are truly committed.

OK, so you admit you've screwed up. Really mean it? Really? Then end all contact with the ex-boyfriend. No not the "I love you but.." way. End it - simply - harsh. "do not contact Me again...ever!" Immediate get off facebook ,change phone numbers whatever it takes. Makes sure you have no more contact info for him so that he may get a hold of you.

Stay that way for a while, work on your relationship with your husband only ... no other guys!

Now you're becoming committed to him and he may believe you are truly sorry. Until then he will likely see you are simply hedging your bets. Yes, maybe good for you but it shows you are still only considering YOU, not you husband, not your family.

I truly wish you luck and hope you make the right decision.

(Really do not get that you wouldn't have cheated if he were married, but would with you being married - could you explain that? - Not intending to be mean here, it is truly in left field for me and I'm trying to see where you are coming from with it)


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## Tanelornpete

> If you really care about your husband then tell him the truth. The rest of your argument is just rationalization to protect yourself from the short term pain that will inevitably be involved and to manipulate your husband subconsciously which is a form of control.


BAMM! Nail hit on head. Keeping secrets like this IS a form of control: you are manipulating the data your spouse has about you in order to make your life more comfortable. This shows a lack of respect to your spouse, who should be allowed to react in whatever way they choose - it is their life you are controlling!

Moreover - if this comes to light later - the pain is doubled: not only did you cheat - but then you hid it. And acted like nothing was wrong (in other words, lived a lie.) And this shows love for your spouse............how?


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## Initfortheduration

littledreamer. I can tell that your sorry. Very sorry. But you need to understand. As sorry as you are, you will never have forgiveness. And that is what you need. And you will never be able to forgive yourself. Sorrow or being sorry is like living in hell. It lives in a constant state of separation. It is like a prison cell and the key is forgiveness. Being sorry is you trying take control of the situation. But the situation cannot be controlled by you. Sorrow is not powerful enough. So you remain in the prison cell. The only way to freedom is ASKING forgiveness of the person you have wronged. They have the power. It is their prerogative. Once you have asked forgiveness, the burden is no longer yours. Yes there are consequences. But then the ball is in their court. I will give you a short word picture.

Your husband brings flowers home to you, they're beautiful. He hugs you and tells you that he loves you. And thanks you for being such a wonderful wife. You are so thankful for him. But then you remember you cheated on him. And your joy is stolen away. 

Don't you see, your sorrow robs your future. It will intrude on every tender moment you have with him.

You are out with your family. Its a wonderful day. Your husband is making the kids laugh. And you start to laugh too. You look at him and think how much you love him. Then the thought pops in your head (how could I have cheated on him?). Another memory lost. Swallowed by the sorrow.

Eventually you will train yourself to not have those tender thoughts about your husband, because its the only way to not have the sorrow sweep in and steel it. Its easier to numb the feeling then to deal with the pain. 

The depth of your love and relationship with your husband will suffer. He will start to wonder why you seem to be pulling away. He will ask you "whats wrong?". And you will say "nothing" but the separation continues. He may eventually settle into the "new (not so close) relationship" with his wife. Now what you have done is affecting his ability to love you. So he take up residence in the cell next to yours. The only problem is, he doesn't know what he is in prison for. 

This is not judgment. It is the inevitable outcome of the separation/wall you have built up.

Is there pain in telling your husband the truth. Absolutely. But there will be something worse years down the line. Regret. Regret for the cheating. But far worse, regret for the stolen years and memories that your sorrow will steal from you, your husband and your children. 

I do hope that you can tell your husband and begin to restore your marriage. Best of luck.


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## fairy godmother

I understand the perspective about keeping it a secret...I don't know how anyone could really do this without feeling totally horrible inside unless they completely justified their affair. In some cultures cheating men is almost accepted and in the mindset affairs may not be revealed. Of course, financially and socially this has it's benefits IF the affair were never revealed. HOWEVER, to be so deceitful is not my advice...but I'm just saying I see it's minimal benefit, even if that may be short term. 

Good luck. I think you should end all communication with your ex. then take that script someone posted and make it into your own words. Just don't justify your actions! 

And this is coming from someone who cheated on her ex-husband. I think I still try to rationalize it, but all in all the marriage was completely far from perfect and I never desired to marry my ex just felt obligated because I was pregnant with his child and he was not a US citizen. So if you want to hold on to your marriage and it was something genuine. You need to fess up to yourself and tell yourself you cheated and you have no excuses. Even if you cannot get the reality check now, you certainly will when you talk to your 
H.
Good luck! Get off facebook!!!!!


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## bestplayer

Initfortheduration said:


> littledreamer. I can tell that your sorry. Very sorry. But you need to understand. As sorry as you are, you will never have forgiveness. And that is what you need. And you will never be able to forgive yourself. Sorrow or being sorry is like living in hell. It lives in a constant state of separation. It is like a prison cell and the key is forgiveness. Being sorry is you trying take control of the situation. But the situation cannot be controlled by you. Sorrow is not powerful enough. So you remain in the prison cell. The only way to freedom is ASKING forgiveness of the person you have wronged. They have the power. It is their prerogative. Once you have asked forgiveness, the burden is no longer yours. Yes there are consequences. But then the ball is in their court. I will give you a short word picture.
> 
> Your husband brings flowers home to you, they're beautiful. He hugs you and tells you that he loves you. And thanks you for being such a wonderful wife. You are so thankful for him. But then you remember you cheated on him. And your joy is stolen away.
> 
> Don't you see, your sorrow robs your future. It will intrude on every tender moment you have with him.
> 
> You are out with your family. Its a wonderful day. Your husband is making the kids laugh. And you start to laugh too. You look at him and think how much you love him. Then the thought pops in your head (how could I have cheated on him?). Another memory lost. Swallowed by the sorrow.
> 
> Eventually you will train yourself to not have those tender thoughts about your husband, because its the only way to not have the sorrow sweep in and steel it. Its easier to numb the feeling then to deal with the pain.
> 
> The depth of your love and relationship with your husband will suffer. He will start to wonder why you seem to be pulling away. He will ask you "whats wrong?". And you will say "nothing" but the separation continues. He may eventually settle into the "new (not so close) relationship" with his wife. Now what you have done is affecting his ability to love you. So he take up residence in the cell next to yours. The only problem is, he doesn't know what he is in prison for.
> 
> This is not judgment. It is the inevitable outcome of the separation/wall you have built up.
> 
> Is there pain in telling your husband the truth. Absolutely. But there will be something worse years down the line. Regret. Regret for the cheating. But far worse, regret for the stolen years and memories that your sorrow will steal from you, your husband and your children.
> 
> I do hope that you can tell your husband and begin to restore your marriage. Best of luck.


Initfortheduration , this post is priceless .

Best of luck


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## OhGeesh

littledreamer said:


> First of all, we used condoms...so STD's aren't a factor. Secondly, I care about what happens to my husband and kids if I tell him. Not ME. Perhaps I should have been more clear with my original post, my apologies. I have been with my husband for 15 years. NEVER cheated on him, nor had any desire to. Until I reconnected with my ex. He and I have a history: my first love, lost my virginity to him, etc. I am not some floosy that picked up a man in a bar! I am hoping to get some non-judgemental advice on this. Do I tell my husband or not? Some say no...others say yes. I would like to hear from both sides. Thank you.


Sorry, got to edit this after reading the responses. I'm the guy who lives on the other side of the fence!! I would not want to know if my wife had a (one night stand) or a quick not committal screw up on a trip. My reasoning is my marriage is 99% perfect!! Great sex life, great emotional bonding, share dreams, share everything, we bend don't break, we aren't genders specific in our roles........it's freaking awesome.

With that being said we're not perfect!! Alcohol and being in the moment things could happen. I don't want it too, but if she is truly remorseful what good does it do me to know? For my pride? Screw that!!

I don't think your marriage is a sham and truly don't understand that logic at all. You screwed up that is true it doesn't mean you don't love your husband or your kids. Of course you want to minimize the pain now it's human nature. So what are you going to do?

If you are truly remorseful KNOW you screwed up then commit to your husband 100%!! That is the end result that everyone wants anyway, right? A 100% committment!! Telling him will do major permanent damage especially if the marriage is a "good" one.

People make mistakes. I'd take a one night stand a year over a daily drunk, gambler, lazy loser, any day of the week. I'm very progressive about sex anway, so that helps. There is a difference between sex and making love also a difference between a mistake and wearing rose colored glasses to justify it.

Drop the EX like a bad habit and move on!! See a counselor if you must you just got caught up in the past and the passion. It's a document problem. I can relate I would never cheat on my wife.....but if that one EX begged hard enough that would be a struggle. It won't be the first or the last time that has ever happened. It doesn't make you scum of the earth you do need to make a choice though and that choice should be your husband!!


Good luck!! I hope you see the error and move on!!


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## Deejo

Honestly? I don't know what you should do. 

Sometimes I am full of uncanny wisdom. Sometimes I'm full of something else ...

Here is what you need to think about:
How exactly did you get here? What was, or wasn't going on in your marriage that you pursued, became emotionally involved with, and chose to have sex with an ex-boyfriend?

It serves nobody, you, your husband, your kids, if you 'act' like you want to be married to your husband. 

I watched my ex go through a very similar arc that you are describing. She told her boyfriend that she needed to focus on trying to recover her marriage - and dumped him. The problem was, the choice she made, isn't the choice she wanted to make. It was the choice she _thought_ she should make. In the long run, she didn't make anything better. Quite on the contrary, she made things worse.

She claimed she wanted to work on the marriage ... and didn't. She vowed that she would have no contact with the other man. She dropped him from Facebook ... but visited his page every day. 

You claim to love your husband. But the reality is that you are completely invested in someone else. You want it both ways - and you know that can't work.

So here is the question you should be asking yourself, instead of worrying about to what degree your life comes apart if you tell him; 

What happened in your marriage that led you to another man's bed?

Given that you made that choice, why do you now want to choose your husband?

It's not a trick question. I'm not baiting you. I have a weird feel for where you are at, maybe I'm wrong.


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## noona

I say you tell him, but if I were you, I would make the decision for myself, not based on what others on this site say. What I do in these situations is ask myself "If the tables were turned, would I want my spouse to be honest with me?" I think that is then your answer. Don't forget, you will have to live with your decision for the rest of your life.

Good Luck!


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## littledreamer

bestplayer said:


> Initfortheduration , this post is priceless .
> 
> Best of luck


Infortheduration, thank you for this. I am already feeling this way in very similar situations. The guilt and shame are eating me up inside - I just don't think I have the strength to tell him


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## littledreamer

OhGeesh said:


> Sorry, got to edit this after reading the responses. I'm the guy who lives on the other side of the fence!! I would not want to know if my wife had a (one night stand) or a quick not committal screw up on a trip. My reasoning is my marriage is 99% perfect!! Great sex life, great emotional bonding, share dreams, share everything, we bend don't break, we aren't genders specific in our roles........it's freaking awesome.
> 
> With that being said we're not perfect!! Alcohol and being in the moment things could happen. I don't want it too, but if she is truly remorseful what good does it do me to know? For my pride? Screw that!!
> 
> I don't think your marriage is a sham and truly don't understand that logic at all. You screwed up that is true it doesn't mean you don't love your husband or your kids. Of course you want to minimize the pain now it's human nature. So what are you going to do?
> 
> If you are truly remorseful KNOW you screwed up then commit to your husband 100%!! That is the end result that everyone wants anyway, right? A 100% committment!! Telling him will do major permanent damage especially if the marriage is a "good" one.
> 
> People make mistakes. I'd take a one night stand a year over a daily drunk, gambler, lazy loser, any day of the week. I'm very progressive about sex anway, so that helps. There is a difference between sex and making love also a difference between a mistake and wearing rose colored glasses to justify it.
> 
> Drop the EX like a bad habit and move on!! See a counselor if you must you just got caught up in the past and the passion. It's a document problem. I can relate I would never cheat on my wife.....but if that one EX begged hard enough that would be a struggle. It won't be the first or the last time that has ever happened. It doesn't make you scum of the earth you do need to make a choice though and that choice should be your husband!!
> 
> 
> Good luck!! I hope you see the error and move on!!


Wow! You nailed it. I did get caught up in the moment as well as the past and the passion. This is exactly how I have been feeling...I made a mistake, a horrible one - but I don't think telling my husband is going to help. In fact, if he did the same thing, I don't think I would want to know. We have a marriage very similar to yours...99% perfect. I really had no reason to cheat - but deep down I knew if I did...it would be with my EX. 
I do need to drop him and stop thinking about him. It's so damned hard. We had a history.....so many things left undone. I broke up with him - thought I wanted to see other people. 
We were young, and I regret leaving him. Somehow over the course of 20 years, our paths always cross and we end up sleeping together. I know there is still a place in my heart for him - that's why this is such a mess! Emotions, not just sex. 
I thank everyone for their advice. I haven't talked to the EX in about 4 days - no Facebook either.


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## NotJustMe

littledreamer said:


> Wow! You nailed it. I did get caught up in the moment as well as the past and the passion. This is exactly how I have been feeling...I made a mistake, a horrible one - but I don't think telling my husband is going to help. In fact, if he did the same thing, I don't think I would want to know. We have a marriage very similar to yours...99% perfect. I really had no reason to cheat - but deep down I knew if I did...it would be with my EX.
> I do need to drop him and stop thinking about him. It's so damned hard. We had a history.....so many things left undone. I broke up with him - thought I wanted to see other people.
> We were young, and I regret leaving him. Somehow over the course of 20 years, our paths always cross and we end up sleeping together. I know there is still a place in my heart for him - that's why this is such a mess! Emotions, not just sex.
> I thank everyone for their advice. I haven't talked to the EX in about 4 days - no Facebook either.



And of course all of those justifications make it all okay, right? Having emotions involved and a history together make it perfectly acceptable for you to not only brush the whole mess under the rug and forget about it, but gives you the right to deceive your husband *for the rest of your lives* and strip him of his right to know just what sort of person he is married to.

It's a shame that you are going to listen to the one (misguided person, imho) who says what you wanted to hear all along.


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## Initfortheduration

Looks like Ohgeesh has provided the can of paint for your cell you were looking for. Make sure you put on at least two coats. It won't cover too well and you will have to keep applying more. Like Ohgeesh said. At least you're not an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler or a lazy loser. If your husband ever does find out be sure to give him that comparison. It will be of great comfort to him. 

Since you have fixed a "place in your heart for him" along side your husband. The husband that you claim to "love so much". How do you plan on not cheating with him again? I can tell you are white knuckling it already. The other reason you need to tell your husband is so there can be some accountability. Because as it is right now. You most definitely will cheat again. Why? Because you haven't been caught. It may be a week or a month or a year, but it will happen again. 

By your last post, it is obvious that you were not looking only for a reason to NOT tell your husband. But that you are looking for the justification to do it again. It won't be long until you will be able to superimpose ohgeesh opinion on to your husband. After all it was so enlightened and so fair. As long as you can hold the cheating down to once a year, you can rest that you are giving your husband a 100% commitment and that you have a good marriage.

Well the paint in your cell should almost be dry by now. I am sure your husband will approve. Just don't tell him what the ingredients of it are. deceit, lust, fear and betrayal.


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## Lucilove

I agree, the guy deserves to know and make up his mind as to how to handle it. If you were happy you would not be cheating, be honest with yourself, you deserve to be happy too.
Even though I m happy certain unfaithful members of my family worked it out, I would not forgive my husband. If you are unhappy, get a divorce and then go out with whoever you want.


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## josh1081

My opinio is tell him the truth and see if your marriage is meant to be. I don't know why you are asking for non-judgmental advice when you seem to have come here looking for a certain answer from everyone. I saw almost nothing but help offered and non-judgmental advice, but it wasn't what you were looking for so you didn't want to hear it. Classic 'i hear what you're saying BUT......." lol, I could almost feel your relief through the internet, when you got your first 'no, don't tell him' post. Yeah in alot of ways living with a drunk or a gambler is bad, but you know what you're getting in to with them. With someone who manipulates, lies, and cheats, you have no idea. Which removes the freedom to choose from that person. If your husband spent all of your money and tried to hide it from you for months, and you found out about it someway, you'd be unbelievably livid. I bet the ' I didn't want to hurt you' excuse would hold no water at all. Different situation, but same basic principles. You just don't want
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081

Cont* to deal with the consequences of your actions. I understand you feel guilty about it, you wouldn't have looked for help if you didn't feel bad. I'd be worried if you didn't at all. It wasn't some mistake though and you need to acknowledge that. This is someone you have a connection with and something you did more then once. You need to decide what it is you want, your husband has the right to do the same. Marriageisn't about picking the best parts and no worries. What defines marriage and a couple is the rotten parts and how they deal with it together. You chose to make a life with someone and he deserves to decide to continue when he sees a 'rotten' spot
I speak from the side where knowing helped my marriage. It made me take a step back and look at myself honestly. I didn't like that guy, I'd lost sight of who I wanted to be and who I even used to be. This process, I'm sure, isn't typical, but it does happen. It never would have if I didn't know. I'd be the same guy that I never knew how much I hated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081

I'm sorry for how this is posted but it's the most my phone will let me add at a time 
i'm grateful she told me because I was walking dead anyway. No I don't like the path that was chosen for me, but I can't change it. It got me to where I am and I have to accept that. It's not without struggle, but it gets easier. We both had to make sacrifices for the 'greater good' but it's what I want to do. It's my life and not hers. She is not my puppet master and noone should be that for anyone. I know you will do what you want in the end, but consider everyones words. You are not alone in this decision, but all results aren't typical when finding out. 
My wife will not blame me if I walk away, but I don't want to because when you have love you don't turn your back on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete

> I'm sorry for how this is posted but it's the most my phone will let me add at a time...


LOL! Downside of having a lot to say and a TINY device with which to say it....

Awesome advice, however...


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## littledreamer

It seems everyone is turning on me all of a sudden - WTH? Seriously, I have cut off ties with the ex, it's not fair to say that it WILL happen again - you don't know that. I am trying very hard to put this behind me - whether I choose to tell my husband or not. Yes, OhGeesh did say a lot of things I wanted to hear. And he's the only one that gave me some input on why NOT to tell him. I'm thinking that a lot of these posts are from people that have been cheated on, and aren't the "cheater". There's a lot of bitterness out there!


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## michzz

littledreamer said:


> Yes, OhGeesh did say a lot of things I wanted to hear. And he's the only one that gave me some input on why NOT to tell him. I'm thinking that a lot of these posts are from people that have been cheated on, and aren't the "cheater". There's a lot of bitterness out there!


So you only want the perspective of those that have cheated? I suppose the perspective of those having been cheated upon will give you nothing of value on how to deal with your husband? And must be evidence of bitterness?

Just wow.


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## Wisp

I thought we had lost you there for a moment. 

The main reason for the ‘tell him camp’ is to protect you and your husband from fall out down the line and then to resolve what caused this in the beginning. 

What happens if the ex successfully makes contact with you? What will you do then?

I am not going to advise you either way but if you decide not to tell him you had best bury this so deep in your mind and forget so that this does not affect your marriage and hope like hell your husband does not find out later.

Wipe out all contact details and if he has your phone number change it.. 

I personally would prefer to be told and not find out later on…

Its your call 

Best wishes


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## Tanelornpete

> It seems everyone is turning on me all of a sudden - WTH? Seriously, I have cut off ties with the ex, it's not fair to say that it WILL happen again - you don't know that. I am trying very hard to put this behind me - whether I choose to tell my husband or not. Yes, OhGeesh did say a lot of things I wanted to hear. And he's the only one that gave me some input on why NOT to tell him. I'm thinking that a lot of these posts are from people that have been cheated on, and aren't the "cheater". There's a lot of bitterness out there!


Unfortunately there _is_ a lot of bitterness on here - many people simply feel the hurt for a long, long time. But there is also a lot of good advice. If all you are doing is looking for validation - someone to agree with a prior decision you made, then OGeesh is the person for someone who cheats to go to. He's the 'go to' man to validate an affair.

But if you are looking for a _healthy_ marriage, there are other things you must consider - for example

Is lying an appropriate way to carry on a relationship? 

Another thing to consider is whether or not you feel that controlling another person is a moral thing to do. Deciding what facts they have to make decisions on, deciding how they should feel at any given moment, deciding how much information they are worth tells you a lot about how much you really value and respect them.

One last thing: while no one knows the future for certain (including you) I'd say that the chances of you repeating your 'mistake' is extremely high, given the view you have of your husband, and certain quotes you've made - for example:



> We were young, and I regret leaving him. Somehow over the course of 20 years, our paths always cross and we end up sleeping together. I know there is still a place in my heart for him - that's why this is such a mess! Emotions, not just sex.


I'll bet there are two main reasons you don't want your husband to know - and that the rest are justifications:

1) You want to keep your ex on the back burner, 'just in case' and

2) You want to avoid an uncomfortable situation with your husband - he might get mad, and you can't have that.

My guess is that everything else is just excuses to maintain those two main reasons.


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## Crypsys

littledreamer said:


> It seems everyone is turning on me all of a sudden - WTH? Seriously, I have cut off ties with the ex, it's not fair to say that it WILL happen again - you don't know that. I am trying very hard to put this behind me - whether I choose to tell my husband or not. Yes, OhGeesh did say a lot of things I wanted to hear. And he's the only one that gave me some input on why NOT to tell him. I'm thinking that a lot of these posts are from people that have been cheated on, and aren't the "cheater". There's a lot of bitterness out there!


Actually I have never been cheated on and I am in a happy long term marriage, so your assumption is incorrect. There is no past relationship bitterness or hurt which colors my views. They are views that I have based on my own choices.

Simply put, you want all of us to validate your stance and to walk lock step with your viewpoint. Now that your finding out most of us don't, your feelings are hurt. I'll never understand why people come on a board and are surprised/angry when everyone doesn't share their viewpoint. 

In the end though, your compounding your mistake by not telling him. You cheated on him and to top it off your lying to him about it. So not only did you mess up once, your now messing up twice. In the end, no one deserves to be lied to and to be misled. So you chose to cheat, now your choosing to also lie.


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## NotJustMe

littledreamer said:


> It seems everyone is turning on me all of a sudden - WTH? Seriously, I have cut off ties with the ex, it's not fair to say that it WILL happen again - you don't know that. I am trying very hard to put this behind me - whether I choose to tell my husband or not. Yes, OhGeesh did say a lot of things I wanted to hear. And he's the only one that gave me some input on why NOT to tell him. I'm thinking that a lot of these posts are from people that have been cheated on, and aren't the "cheater". There's a lot of bitterness out there!


Nobody has turned on you, and with the exception of OhGeesh all of the posters have been pretty consistent with what they've been saying. Looking at the people who have posted in the thread I can tell you that you have received advice from people who have been cheated on and from a few who have cheated themselves.

I can think of quite a few reasons to NOT tell your husband...and the motives behind those reasons are selfish and not good at all, but here they are, as I see them.

Don't tell your husband so that you can keep the possibility of resuming the affair alive, just in case.

Don't tell your husband so that you won't have to deal with him being angry with you.

Don't tell your husband if you don't want him looking at you with suspicion for quite some time to come.

Don't tell your husband if you don't want to admit to yourself that your marriage is NOT "99% perfect" or you wouldn't have cheated to begin with.

The list could go on for a good while., but as you can see every reason to NOT tell is ultimately a selfish reason.


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## littledreamer

michzz said:


> So you only want the perspective of those that have cheated? I suppose the perspective of those having been cheated upon will give you nothing of value on how to deal with your husband? And must be evidence of bitterness?
> 
> Just wow.


michzz, I didn't say that! I value everyone's opinion, I just want to hear from ALL sides. As soon as I commented on OhGeesh, it seemed I got slammed by posting my thoughts. "you will do it again" and paint the prison cell you've created for yourself" etc. By the w"ay, You seem to be on of the most the most bitter posters in this thread!


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## NotJustMe

littledreamer said:


> michzz, I didn't say that! I value everyone's opinion, I just want to hear from ALL sides. As soon as I commented on OhGeesh, it seemed I got slammed by posting my thoughts. "you will do it again" and paint the prison cell you've created for yourself" etc. By the w"ay, You seem to be on of the most the most bitter posters in this thread!


So people telling you that you are in the wrong, that your thought processes appear to be wrong, and that they believe you are making the wrong decision equates to people slamming you?

If you are looking for people to tell you that you are a good person, or that your reasons for having an affair make it all right, or that continuing to deceive your husband is okay, you won't find much of that here. 

I'll tell you exactly what sort of person you are...a flawed one, just like all the rest of us.

As to the "you will do it again" sentiments, based on what you have said to us so far, we can tell you that there is a very good chance that you will do it again. It's been documented time and again that the first time is the most difficult, and as long as 100% honesty isn't the rule, subsequent affairs become easier and easier.

This is another very good reason to come clean with your husband; it dramatically decreases the chances of this happening in the future. Another very good reason is that I have read many of these stories by cheaters and the cheated on, and have seen updates from the storytellers over the weeks, months, and even years as they go through the process of rebuilding their lives and marriages. All I can tell you is what I have seen, and I have seen some the marriages fail, some of them survive and become stronger than ever. Of the posters that have been in your shoes, and have chosen not to tell, I have not seen a single update from them in which they tell us that their marriage survived..


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## michzz

littledreamer said:


> michzz, I didn't say that! I value everyone's opinion, I just want to hear from ALL sides. As soon as I commented on OhGeesh, it seemed I got slammed by posting my thoughts. "you will do it again" and paint the prison cell you've created for yourself" etc. By the w"ay, You seem to be on of the most the most bitter posters in this thread!


You are the classic example of a person in the fog of confusion about their infidelity.

You see me pointing you towards telling the truth, getting tested for STDs, and seeking professional counseling as being bitter towards you?

The truth will allow both your husband and yourself to protect yourself from making further errors in behavior. Secrecy allows temptation to keep its hold on you.

I feel sad for you.


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## Affaircare

I cheated. I'm embarrassed as can be to say that and I am deeply sorrowful and regret it whenever I think of it. I've been there and done that, and I'm in the "tell him" camp. 

The fact is that you had sex with another person. The fact is that not all STDs can be prevented with a condom and that's assuming the condom worked properly! Just on that fact alone, your husband deserves to know because a decision YOU made could affect his health. He deserves to know if for no other reason then so that he can make informed health care decisions for himself! I personally also believe that he deserves to know for *more* reasons than that, and yet that ONE reason is a very big one! 

YOU have facts that affect his physical health and you are withholding them from him. If you loved and respected him, I bet you'd tell him if you were exposed to mumps at work so he could protect himself. If you loved and respected him and discovered you had an illness that could be contagious but if he did X (like wash hands) right after being with you, he could protect his health..I bet you'd tell him so he could decide for himself if he wanted to stay with you and always have to X or if he was willing to live the rest of his life with you and always do X so he didn't also get ill. 

Well..this is as if you know you are contagious and you are withholding it. He does not even KNOW that all he needs to do is X to protect himself, so what does he do? He merrily continues not doing X because he thinks his health is safe! 

I'm not even going to address that you are disrespecting your spouse if you are dishonest with him. It's like slapping him in the face and saying, "I don't believe you are mature enough to handle this." I'm not even going to address that withholding it from him is controlling him: you don't want him to leave and yet you acted in a way that may result in him wanting to leave, so in order to control the result, you are going to withhold the information. Those are valid reasons to tell him, but he is not even AWARE that he may have been exposed to a NUMBER of sexually transmitted diseases, and ignoring those...not know to test for them...could mean that he doesn't see symptoms maybe even for years and by then it will not be curable just "treatable". 

Long story short, are you willing to risk your husband's life because you're afraid to admit what you've done? 

Yeah, it's embarrassing and you could end up hurt because you chose to have sex with another man, but that's the consequence of your choices. What I hear is: "I don't want to be held personally responsible for what I chose to do!"


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## Initfortheduration

I haven't been cheated on either. Married 30 years to a wonderful woman. We've had our issues, but cheating isn't one. I come at it from the kids perspective. My mom was a cheater. and divorced my dad for a scumbag coward who wanted to avoid service in Vietnam. It worked. He didn't have to go. Ruined my childhood and divorced my mom for someone else. So I guess I am bitter. But from a little ones view. You see you not only cheated on your husband but on your kids too.


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## iwillsurvive

My husband was in your shoes- almost identically. He cheated on me with his high school sweetheart, his first, the person he had a lot of past feelings, passions, etc. 

He told me himself what he did. It was the ONE reason I was willing to even TRY and work things out with him- he was honest with me. Sadly, he wasn't honest with me about many other things that had to do with this woman and he didn't cut off contact like he agreed to, so things became much longer, messier and unnecessarily dragged on than they needed to be.

I think if you do tell him, you need to take the steps beforehand to REALLY show him you are ready to truly commit to this marriage. Let him know that you are willing to give him access to ANY and ALL e-mail accounts, computers, phone records, financial records, etc. That kind of transparency will allow him to see that you mean it as you have nothing to hide from him. Let him know you are willing to go to counseling. Answer any of his questions. Cut off contact COMPLETELY and mean it. Show your husband you have done this and let him ask the questions he wants answers to- he will have plenty. 

There will probably be some fallout, as he will feel like you took everything good about your marriage and your lives and spit on it. But if your marriage is as awesome as you say it is, and you are COMPLETELY honest with him and truly remorseful and repentant of what you've done, then he will probably be more willing to give your marriage a chance than if he somehow finds out about it some other way.


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## OhGeesh

I'll just take the remorseful regret in action please.......forget the knowing part!!

*If* your husband finds out there will be damage control. IMO, write it all down save it to a file and list all the reasons you could be open about it. Like I've said the true goal is "change, committment, repentance" for lack of a better word. Again if you feel that your done with the EX I don't see how confessing helps anything in reality........

The knowing is not the good part the action is. So, I'll repeat go see a priest, counselor, journal, but the knowing is rarely ever good.

Peruse the forums and look at the heartache sometimes years.....yet these same people say "They would want to know". Of course pride, looking like a fool, and just plain principle, makes many say they want to know..........in acutality not knowing would have made life 100000000% easier that is a fact!!

Here is a personal example:

Years ago I was cutting grass for a woman who had two teenage sons. They lived a poor area of the city and the sons were into "stuff" they were black not that it matters I'm just painting a picture. They fit the "thug" profile.........talking about God one day with the mother she said one of her sons was not going to heaven because he had killed somebody, but she just couldn't turn him in. I could write a book about that alone......but the facts are my perception changed immediately. No amount of I'm sorry was going to change my opinion of this young man who was my age at the time. The burden the mom kept was a hard one I'm glad I don't have to make that choice.

The point is affairs while not as dramatic can change a marriage profoundly. While agree 100% with confessing if it's not a ONS or drunken romp...........sometimes it is better not to know. 

Good night!!


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## NotJustMe

OhGeesh said:


> While agree 100% with confessing if it's not a ONS or drunken romp...........sometimes it is better not to know.


This wasn't a one night stand or drunken romp, or did you not read her story?

See littledreamer, even the one person who was telling you what you wanted to hear was mistaken and agrees 100% with confessing.


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## Kobo

NotJustMe said:


> This wasn't a one night stand or drunken romp, or did you not read her story?
> 
> See littledreamer, even the one person who was telling you what you wanted to hear was mistaken and agrees 100% with confessing.


OhGeesh does not realize if his wife cheats on him that he does not have a 

Great sex life - unless he is into swinging

great emotional bonding - Since most women have an emotional connection with sex, how strong is your emotional bond if your wife is having sex with another man?

share dreams - but she isn't sharing her dreams about this other man putting her ankles behind her head in the back of a car in the walmart parking lot

share everything - unless OhGeesh is having relations with the other man also then she isn't sharing everything. 


As for the original poster. You do not respect your husband at all. You are not treating him as a man. You have truely married someone that "loves you more". You want your ex. That is the reason you "would not do it if he was married". You want him to be all yours. I'm betting that you loved your ex more than he loved you. You know how he works. Your ex will bang you for a while until his eye starts to wonder. Your husband is the great provider right? Your ex is the "love of your life". I will be judgemental after this:


1. You are a floosy - you broke your vows to your husband and your childrens father. Does this sound like a virtuous woman? You need to accept that you failed your husband and understand that you do not have the right to his forgiveness. 

2. You love your ex more than your husband. Which is why you are able to disregard all that your husband has done for 2 nights of raw sex. You need to (for the first time in your relationship) put your husband before yourself.

3. You are smart enough to know that life with your ex will not be as "easy" as life with your husband so you are looking to justify not telling him. He has held you up on a pedastal your entire relationship. You're afraid that he'll realize that he's worth being respected and loved equally if you get knocked down a bit



I trully hope the OM let's your husband know the deal. He deserves better than this.


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## Mom6547

littledreamer said:


> It seems everyone is turning on me all of a sudden - WTH? Seriously, I have cut off ties with the ex, it's not fair to say that it WILL happen again - you don't know that. I am trying very hard to put this behind me - whether I choose to tell my husband or not. Yes, OhGeesh did say a lot of things I wanted to hear. And he's the only one that gave me some input on why NOT to tell him. I'm thinking that a lot of these posts are from people that have been cheated on, and aren't the "cheater". There's a lot of bitterness out there!



I have never cheated. I have never been cheated on. You should have titled your post "Please give me the validation for the opinion I have already decided upon."

When he finds out about your affair, you will sing a different tune.


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## OhGeesh

Kobo said:


> OhGeesh does not realize if his wife cheats on him that he does not have a
> 
> Great sex life - unless he is into swinging
> 
> great emotional bonding - Since most women have an emotional connection with sex, how strong is your emotional bond if your wife is having sex with another man?
> One night stands are different imo just look at Cameron Diaz's latest interview
> 
> share dreams - but she isn't sharing her dreams about this other man putting her ankles behind her head in the back of a car in the walmart parking lot
> More of the same there is a difference between a ONS and a deep emotional connection
> 
> share everything - unless OhGeesh is having relations with the other man also then she isn't sharing everything.
> 
> 
> As for the original poster. You do not respect your husband at all. You are not treating him as a man. You have truely married someone that "loves you more". You want your ex. That is the reason you "would not do it if he was married". You want him to be all yours. I'm betting that you loved your ex more than he loved you. You know how he works. Your ex will bang you for a while until his eye starts to wonder. Your husband is the great provider right? Your ex is the "love of your life". I will be judgemental after this:
> 
> 
> 1. You are a floosy - you broke your vows to your husband and your childrens father. Does this sound like a virtuous woman? You need to accept that you failed your husband and understand that you do not have the right to his forgiveness.
> 
> 2. You love your ex more than your husband. Which is why you are able to disregard all that your husband has done for 2 nights of raw sex. You need to (for the first time in your relationship) put your husband before yourself.
> 
> 3. You are smart enough to know that life with your ex will not be as "easy" as life with your husband so you are looking to justify not telling him. He has held you up on a pedastal your entire relationship. You're afraid that he'll realize that he's worth being respected and loved equally if you get knocked down a bit
> 
> 
> 
> I trully hope the OM let's your husband know the deal. He deserves better than this.


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## josh1081

Tanelornpete said:


> LOL! Downside of having a lot to say and a TINY device with which to say it....


Oh geez, I just can't resist.
*clears throat*
I have the same feelings everytime I'm done having sex with my wife LOL 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration

Ohgeesh, How old are you? You reference Cameron Diaz as some kind of relationship authority? Second, littledreamer has already said there is a deep emotional connection with the OM. 

I have to wonder if you aren't Lindsey Lohan (snifffff, snorrrt) typing from the lynnwood jail.


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## OhGeesh

36 years old!! I have a teenager so I'm very "into" what's happening. I don't like people being thrown in a "stereotype" hence the reason for the Cameron Diaz reference she does not hold onto the mongomous rope at all.

If it's song, movie, anyting big and current events I've probably heard it, watched, or read about.

We can also talk Justin Bieber, Twilight, Gaga, BOB, whatever??

Back on topic.......I truly believe there is a difference between a mistake and a affair to put it a different way. Albeit it's a very big mistake and if it truly is one I don't want to know. If it is a textbook affair with emotions, emails, conversations, connections, well then yes that will affect the marriage and I would want to know.....unless she could really keep a dual life going....


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## NotJustMe

OhGeesh said:


> If it is a textbook affair with emotions, emails, conversations, connections, well then yes that will affect the marriage and I would want to know.....unless she could really keep a dual life going....


Then perhaps you should actually read what she has written instead of jumping in and offering advice that you yourself don't even agree with.



littledreamer said:


> I have cheated on my husband of 12 years with my ex boyfriend (high school sweetheart). We reconnected on Facebook, and have been chatting for a few months...I feel HORRIBLE! I mean, it wasn't just a casual one night stand...there are emotions involved.


littledreamer has basically said that this was a full on affair with a long-lost boyfriend...Facebook, connections, emotions....all of the bells and whistles that should be sounding every alarm imaginable to anyone who is NOT lost in the fog of an affair. These things are very difficult to put an end to even when the betrayed spouse DOES know about the infidelity, and damned near impossible to end when they are kept in the dark.


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## OhGeesh

I don't want to argue about since she said it was done, over, and finished. I did not see her give a length of time this has been going on. I don't believe in absolutes every situation is different unless it's math!! In her case I still wouldn't want to know if she truly is finished with him and the marriage is good on the outside as she says.

Let's hope it's over and she is focusing on her husband and giving him 100% that's the end result we all want......regardless if she fesses up or not.


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## agape

Yes, I would tell your husband. I went through the same thing as you. I cheated and did not tell my husband. He then found out - it was a huge deal. He said to me it was the dishonesty above all that hurt him. Plus, carrying around the lie for a month was hard on the soul. Be good to yourself and your husband - tell him.


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## Tanelornpete

josh1081 said:


> Oh geez, I just can't resist.
> *clears throat*
> I have the same feelings everytime I'm done having sex with my wife LOL
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WishIHadn't

You've already had a ton of comments, advice and well....other opinions. I wanted to put in my two cents as a woman who also cheated on her husband with a former crush that I reconnected with on Facebook.

First off, I know how it happened. I know how you felt. Every situation is different, every marriage unique, but every affair is exactly the same. It is a lie. Built on lies, fueled by lies. It does not matter that he was an old boyfriend, there was a connection, first love and all of that. You chose (as I did) to go there. You chose to cross that line. You chose to ignore and fall victim to the intoxication and flood of emotions and feel-goods that an affair provides. I get it, believe me.

I also get that you are sorry. I get that you don't want to 'give up' your life as you know it by telling your husband but most of the advice you've been given has been wise. As much as you don't want to hear it, and I didn't either, believe me...you have to tell him. I'm sure there are many out there who can keep it a secret and not bat an eye but for me, the possibility of future exposure by my affair partner, his wife, friend, whoever, was too much for me to bear. I wanted a renewed marriage. I wanted to make our marriage all that it could be...or have no marriage at all. 

I realized with the help of another site (Google 'ending an affair' and join the site that rhymes with 'Pillage') that to stay in this toxic affair was killing me and to end it was my only way to freedom. With the help of the (primarily) women there, I was able to let go and have complete NO CONTACT that has lasted for more than a year. It was hard, don't get me wrong. As bad if not worse than a normal break up pre-marriage but so worth it. 

I did end up telling my husband about 4 months after ending it. I won't lie, we are separated now. But understand that there was much more involved than simply my affair. It was what tipped the scales towards divorcing but by no means the only reason. The way I see it, despite all the reasons you give to justify your behaviour...you still cheated. It will NEVER, EVER go away just because you decide to keep it from your husband. You are doing him no favours. Only robbing him of his right to decide for himself what he wants to do...for you own selfish reasons. Sorry.

Good luck to you...whatever happens it will be okay (((hugs))).


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## josh1081

Thanks Tan...the cherry on top is much appreciated 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littledreamer

I never expected to get do many responses to my first post. Well, I am embarrassed to say this affair hasn't ended. I spent most of last evening with my ex, and had some of the most amazing sex ever! My husband doesn't seem to be interested or turned on by me.....lately. I don't understand, as I am a good lover: very attentitive to his needs, etc. I feel pushed away by him, and feel I am turning to my high school sweetheart....not only for physical closeness, but emotional closeness as well. I realize telling my husband is the noble thing to do, but I am weak and unable to do so. Until then, I don't see an end to this affair.....


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## Deejo

Thanks for playing. Keep up the good work.

You will slip up. He will find out. You will cry and say you're sorry. I remember that moment pretty well.


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## Wisp

Time to destroy your marriage, feel good today and howl tomorrow.

I posted this elsewhere: Good points of ex..

Trustworthy - NO because he is having sex with you a married woman

Life long partner - NO he will have sex with another woman once he is bored with you

Type of man who you want children with - NO unless you want them to be related to all the neighbourhood

Type of man you take home to mom - NO he will want to get into bed with her


I wish YOUR husband strength and courage - he has to put up with you and the terrible things you are now bringing into your marriage.

For your own sake tell your H and drop the ex, you are absolutely on the downward spiral.

And of course your husband has all the faults and the EX is perfect, no risk for the ex just entertainment and empty words, and you can believe everything you hear from him

The fact that you are on this site shows some inclination that you understand this is wrong, start by doing what needs to be done. One step at a time, drop the ex like a wet nappy, never be with him again. 

Take the pain and rebuild you marriage with the man you love, not the man who is happy to lie and cheat.

Read the thread below and see what stage you are in.. 


http://www.womensinfidelity.com/


All yours..

PS. The comments are going to be harsh purely as you have asked for advice and have purposefully declined to take it and work with the most important person in your life your Husband


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## Initfortheduration

Initfortheduration said:


> The other reason you need to tell your husband is so there can be some accountability. Because as it is right now. You most definitely will cheat again. Why? Because you haven't been caught. It may be a week or a month or a year, but it will happen again.
> 
> By your last post, it is obvious that you were not looking only for a reason to NOT tell your husband. But that you are looking for the justification to do it again. It won't be long until you will be able to superimpose ohgeesh opinion on to your husband. After all it was so enlightened and so fair. As long as you can hold the cheating down to once a year, you can rest that you are giving your husband a 100% commitment and that you have a good marriage.


Oh wow, big surprise. You cheated again. Don't blame your husband. You were looking for reasons to do it. And, well I guess you found them. Way to give 100%.


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## NotJustMe

littledreamer said:


> I never expected to get do many responses to my first post. Well, I am embarrassed to say this affair hasn't ended. I spent most of last evening with my ex, and had some of the most amazing sex ever!


Wow, nobody saw that one coming! /sarcasm off 



> My husband doesn't seem to be interested or turned on by me.....lately.


It could be that he has subconsciously caught on to the fact that you are screwing around on him, and he is protecting himself.



> I don't understand, as I am a good lover: very attentitive to his needs, etc. I feel pushed away by him, and feel I am turning to my high school sweetheart....not only for physical closeness, but emotional closeness as well.


Oh yes, how could I forget...your adultery is ALL HIS FAULT, and that makes it all okay. Since you are getting your emotional and physical closeness from the ex, at least your needs are getting met. What you need to ask yourself now is where is your husband going to get his needs met? Because you certainly will be unable to do so now that you're all wrapped up in the other man.



> I realize telling my husband is the noble thing to do, but I am weak and unable to do so. Until then, I don't see an end to this affair.....


Well that is a dilemma that is easily solved...PM me your hubby's phone number or email address, and I will fill him in for you since you aren't enough of an adult to do it yourself. I promise to break it to him as gently as possible.


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## josh1081

Hmm...not suprised myself either, and I'm sure that will be the overwhelming sentiment here. There's a reason no one is suprised and it's because this is a formula and it's predictable. There's a reason why entire conversations can almost be completely mapped out before they are present tense, because this is not unique. Their story, my story, and your story are basically all the same with slight variations. 
You need to stop being selfish and cut your husband loose. You can't have your cake and eat it too, not in marriage (like that at least). You are lying when you say you are fullfilling his every need because I guarantee you a cheating wife, shell marriage, or lying partner isn't high on his want list. I can venture to guess it's not there at all. Pursue this "relationship" you have with your boyfriend, cuz lets be honest, I don't think calling him your ex really applies anymore. Just don't feel sorry for yourself if you start looking over your shoulder or getting funny feelings about things he is doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081

NotJustMe said:


> PM me your hubby's phone number or email address, and I will fill him in for you since you aren't enough of an adult to do it yourself. I promise to break it to him as gently as possible.


LOL 8-D 8-D
I thought the same thing myself.
I can also almost bet you he isn't interested in you sexually or emotionally because he is depressed in some way. I know that's kind of a cop out reason but usually right. It was mine and I didn't really know it. Mine was based on repressed feelings in the relationship and I'm sure he's the same. If you can take the time to feel sorry for wasting your energy on a dead end road then take the time to put your energy to good use and help your relationship out by fixing it or ending it. Your husband needs help either way. He doesn't know why he's sad and he can't fix it (just as much his fault too, not yours), but IMO it's just as much the spouses duty to help their partner when they sense trouble....not run away to another man/woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## josh1081

Popular response will be to clue your husband into this farce and let him make his own choices. At this point, and from the way you talk, it's really the only decent course of action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547

littledreamer said:


> I never expected to get do many responses to my first post. Well, I am embarrassed to say this affair hasn't ended. I spent most of last evening with my ex, and had some of the most amazing sex ever! My husband doesn't seem to be interested or turned on by me.....lately. I don't understand, as I am a good lover: very attentitive to his needs, etc. I feel pushed away by him, and feel I am turning to my high school sweetheart....not only for physical closeness, but emotional closeness as well. I realize telling my husband is the noble thing to do, but I am weak and unable to do so. Until then, I don't see an end to this affair.....


Am I the only one who finds this thread simply BEYOND disgusting? NOBLE?? You are out of your tree. I feel bad for your husband.


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## OptimisticPessimist

Its not about him, its about her. She is all that matters. None of the advice on this thread to be fair or honorable in telling the husband will do any good- you have to be moral in the first place. She doesnt qualify. Shes only here because society tells her she should be, but thats about as far as shes willing to go.

Based on her absolutely vomit-inducing selfishness, Im almost willing to bet her husband tries to give her the world and has been emasculated. Hes just trying to make his wife happy- and as she gets more discontent and displays it through her behavior, he gets more depressed. That depression of course she blames on him.

Sad.


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## Mom6547

So here is where the desire to throw up comes in for me. Not getting your "needs met" and you just hop right over to someone else. Fine. Whatever.

This guys is gonna wake up one morning, either he is already suspicious and starts looking, or you tell him "you love him but you are not in love with him anymore" or whatever stupid nonsense you come up with.

And he... suddenly has to leave his domicile, perhaps? Can't see his kids every day anymore. Pay a butt load of money that he probably cant afford on a divorce he probably never wanted. 

You came to a marriage board. So maybe there is some teeny neuron in your brain still firing on something other than horniness. So here is your advice.

Go to a counselor like YESTERDAY to help free your mind of the affair induced stupid thinking you are currently going through. Write a No Contact letter. Deliver it. And never communicate again. Block him, delete him whatever. Then beg your husband for forgiveness on your knees.


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## MrQuatto

littledreamer said:


> I made a mistake, a horrible one - but I don't think telling my husband is going to help. In fact, if he did the same thing, I don't think I would want to know. We have a marriage very similar to yours...99% perfect. I really had no reason to cheat - but deep down I knew if I did...it would be with my EX.
> I do need to drop him and stop thinking about him. It's so damned hard. We had a history.....so many things left undone. I broke up with him - thought I wanted to see other people.
> We were young, and I regret leaving him. *Somehow over the course of 20 years, our paths always cross and we end up sleeping together. * I know there is still a place in my heart for him - that's why this is such a mess! Emotions, not just sex.
> I thank everyone for their advice. I haven't talked to the EX in about 4 days - no Facebook either.


It's hard to hear "I told you so" but it is oftren true. It would appear you neglect to realize you may be predisposed to cheating. from the above quote, your paths crossed over 20 years and you end up sleeping together. I do not know if you were in relationships during that time but it is a good bet you may have been. You also state that you have been married for 12 years but have had a predisposition to sleep with this man. That should have been a red flag before you even got married. 

As hard as it is to hear, you may not be a good match for your husband. He will eventually figure it out, they always do. However, also think on what type of man is he? Is he the type to find out and ignore it? If he is the type to not ignore it, then he will start digging and he will dig deep. How much baggage is in that closet? 

The fog is thick with you. You talk of 99% perfect marriage, then blame your H for the affair, you say you had no reason to cheat, yet did it and even did it after you were WARNED it would happen again. You are simply in the justification/demonization stage. You will rewrite history, as you just did, to make your H terrible and your "Affair" Partner perfect, as you already have. Eventually this will destroy your marriage, whenther your H stays in it or not.



Q~


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## WishIHadn't

You are so in the fog it isn't even funny. Everything seems peachy keen right now, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? You just need someone to tell you how to absolve yourself and get rid of that gut wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach so that you can keep doing it....sound about right?

No one here is going to tell you what you are doing is okay and I wouldn't expect them to. And, no one here is going to be able to get through to you until you want to actually grow up and own up to your choices and the state of your marriage.

Yes, your husband is absolutely pulling away from you emotionally and physically and definitely because despite your best efforts, you are being quite transparent. Very hard to hide your tracks completely when in the 'fog' of an affair. Changes in personality, new 'activities' and levels of hygiene...maybe even some new clothes, a mani/pedi, extra time spent away from home, odd excuses, phone calls, text messages, more time on the computer....need I go on?

Even if he is quite dense I'm sure he knows something is going on and if you don't believe me, ask him!

I would suggest you go on that site I mentioned before (iVillage so I am less vague this time) and instead of going on the 'ending an affair' forum, try the 'My Affair' forum. Then you can spew your 'I had the best sex ever!!!!' crap to all those still actively involved in their affairs. Enjoy your life and the aftermath that entails. You husband isn't stupid you know. As much as I give my ex little credit, even he had an inkling....believe me, he knows.


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## Initfortheduration

littledreamer said:


> I am not some floosy that picked up a man in a bar! Thank you.


No, you are a skank who cheated on a good husband and her children. When you were finished with the OM did you at least brush your teeth b4 you kissed your husband? I wonder how he would like knowing he had oral with your OM by proxy. I am sure you and the scumbag will have a great laugh over it. What a ho.


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## littledreamer

PS. The comments are going to be harsh purely as you have asked for advice and have purposefully declined to take it and work with the most important person in your life your Husband 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I suppose so - now I am a dirty skank, etc.


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## Initfortheduration

Only as long as you continue to do what a skank does. There is redemption. But based upon your lack of concern for what you are doing to a family and husband who loves you, how exactly would you describe someone doing what you are doing? Troubled? conflicted? confused? Any of those descriptions would be as accurate as you telling us that you "love your husband so much". Correct me if I'm wrong.


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## josh1081

Initfortheduration said:


> how exactly would you describe someone doing what you are doing? Troubled? conflicted? confused?


you forgot selfish and cowardly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Think about this littledreamer;
Close your eyes and visualiz your husband going out for a boys night out and instead he meets his grlfriend and theY end up in a hotel..
They start by kissing and telling each other there love for each other and your husband is undressing the women and lays her on the bed. they have great sex and afterwards they talk about you and the needs you are not meeting and embrace again for more sex but he has to cut it short so he can go home to you before you get suspicios.
Know how would you feel? 
GET OUT OF THE FOG, THE OM KNOWS YOUR MARRIED AND HES A VIMPIRE YOU WILL NOT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE IN THE LIGHT OF DAY.


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## F-102

You came looking for advice? Well, here is mine.
The absolute FIRST thing you must do is drop the OM like a greased bowling ball. It's quite clear that you cannot be trusted with him.
Second is to tell your husband. You don't have to get into all the gory details, just tell him you were having an affair, then, give him time to make a decision. He may get all bent outta shape, call you every name in the book, threaten divorce, or threaten to kill the OM, but be ready for it. But if you truly want to save your marriage, you must allow him to make the decision himself-don't blame him for the whole affair happening in the first place, which by your last post, sounds like you are dangerously close to doing.

Of course, he will be angry and hurt, but if my wife did this to me, I would want to hear it from her, not from someone who caught them or have me find out the hard way, such as walking in on them or stumbling on a careless e-mail. If you tell him, he will probably take that into account and see that you want to stay in the marriage. If you don't tell, and he finds out, which, who are we kidding, he certainly will, he will think that you were never going to tell him, and plan to carry on this tryst indefinitely and leave him.

Now, think about the future if you continue- if you tell him and show him you are truly sorry and want to renew your comittment to him, he may very well give you a second chance. Yes, it will be hard, he will mistrust you and it may take months, perhaps years, to forgive you, but if he really loves you, he will try to make this work. 
But, if you continue sneaking around and he does find out, he will most likely leave you, then what?
You will now have the tile of "single mother", be stuggling financially for a long time, if not forever, be raising two kids who are old enough to know whats going on- have you thought about what you would tell them when they ask why their dad left? They'll be teens soon, and they will certainly have issues from this. 
What are you going to tell your family and friends, when he no longer is there?
What's going to happen to this wonderful man you described not too long ago? He may never trust another woman again, never re-marry, and die a lonely, bitter old man, who will be wondering what he did wrong for the rest of his life.
And what if you do decide to eave for the OM? Can you guarantee that he will stay? Especially when you have two kids who will resent you and hate him for "making dad go away"?

The way I see it, you have 2 chances to ruin 4 people's lives and 1 to save them.

So please, think about what your future would be if you don't make things right, before you lose your husband, your kids respect(if not lose the kids altogether if your have a divorce judge who does not take too kindly to infidelity!), and spend the rest of your life in a one-room apartment in a section eight neighborhood, with a revolving door of questionable boyfriends and possible physical abuse, regretting your actions and realizing that this never had to happen.

P.S., I'm not trying to scare you, but this happened to my friend's ex-wife: she lost everything- house, kids, self esteem, friends, is now shacked up with a convicted chid molester who uses her face for boxing practice on Friday nights when he gets drunk, and when we asked her what she would do differently, she said that she would have confessed worked things out with her husband, then he would have given her a second chance...but it's wat too late now.


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## Initfortheduration

I'm not optimistic for little dreamer. She impresses me as the type that will carry on the affair until she is caught and the moment she is, her fog will dissipate. And what she will see are the remains of her family and life in ashes. She will then cry, beg and plead for her husband to forgive her. He might do it too. But he will never look at her the same again. Well she can comfort herself with the thought "Hey at least the sex was great". All that pain for a few 10 second climaxes. What a waste of a young family.


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## milky

This thread is tragic, really. You keep defending your actions when ultimately, you made the mistake (twice), and deserve no right to be treated nicely by your husband. I'd expect the same for him if he were the cheater.

That being said, you definitely had not ended it with ur ex, because you said yourself that there IS a connection....its in your heart.

What led you to cheat is beyond me. Although, I can understand that MAYBE you were unhappy to begin with. In that case you should've left your husband long before you're desire to reconnect with your ex. I understand people become bored, unsatisfied...why did you stay with your husband if that?

STILL...you owe your husband due respect. Otherwise I hope your future true love does exactly the same to you - only then will you understand the gravity of your actions.


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## blaaaah

I feel like I just wasted an hour of my life reading this thread.


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## TheBaxter

Amazing how waywards justify their poor choices.


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## PBear

Amazing how posters open up a 4 year old thread to make a one line comment...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans




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## 6301

littledreamer said:


> I never expected to get do many responses to my first post. Well, I am embarrassed to say this affair hasn't ended. I spent most of last evening with my ex, and had some of the most amazing sex ever! My husband doesn't seem to be interested or turned on by me.....lately. I don't understand, as I am a good lover: very attentitive to his needs, etc. I feel pushed away by him, and feel I am turning to my high school sweetheart....not only for physical closeness, but emotional closeness as well. I realize telling my husband is the noble thing to do, but I am weak and unable to do so. Until then, I don't see an end to this affair.....


 You know at first, I thought that there might be a chance even though you said you made a horrible mistake. 

Yeah the mistake was having sex with your ex, but it's obvious that you didn't learn anything the first time you had sex but you went back and did it again. 

Now rather than opening up your mouth and sitting down with your husband and telling him IN A WAY THAT HE HERE'S YOU LOUD AND CLEAR THAT YOUR NOT HAPPY BEING PUSHED TO THE SIDE, your attitude has gone from remorseful to "Oh hell, F--k the husband, I'm getting laid, ruining my marriage, putting my selfish needs ahead of my husband and MY KIDS. 

Remember the kids? 8 and 11? I guess they don't count anymore do they. You went from the frying pan into the fire on this one.

What happened to the poster who said she loves her husband so much? You went from a woman asking for advice to repair her marriage because of a mistake she made to someone who just showed her true colors.

Believe me. Hubby will find out. Maybe tomorrow or five years from now, but he will. This kind of stuff comes out sooner or later so I really hope your prepared for what will come your way. 

You may have made a mistake but now you just deliberate in your actions. Good luck when you alone.


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## Allen_A

I am suspecting troll thread.

Any takers on a bet?


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## PBear

Allen_A said:


> I am suspecting troll thread.
> 
> Any takers on a bet?


Zombie trolls? Scary thought!

Just let the thread die already. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youkiddingme

I doubt that the poster is here for advice. She is here to piss people off. She had done that. Let her go and ignore this post.


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## Deejo

These threads of course stay up, so people can search and read them.

If someone can find something relating to their circumstances, it doesn't much matter when it occurred.

But for anyone trying to lecture or bash the OP, she hasn't posted in 4 years. 

I'm locking this up.


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