# I made it through - you can too!



## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

My story, after 17 years of marriage my H told me in November 2010 that he didn't love me anymore. Absolute devastation for me. We were the "perfect" couple, everyone said we had a special relationship. We stayed living together and trying to make it work. But I moved out in May 2011 because he said he didn't want to live with me. I suffered greatly, many, many tears and long, horrible nights. 

But, I started counselling, I read self-help books like The Secret, The Power, The Power of Now. I started learning about Buddhism. I rekindled the friendships that I lost because my husband didn't approve. I joined various groups on meetup.com. Basically, I focused on me. During the marriage I had totally lost myself. I couldn't even say what I enjoyed doing because I only did what my husband wanted. By focusing on me, I figured out my interests, my likes and dislikes. 

I am truly happy now. I am starting to think about dating. (Up until just a couple of months ago, I had promised myself to stay true to my stbxh, even if that meant being alone for the rest of my life! Then I realized I deserve more than this.) I focus on living in the moment. Living in the moment is a real skill. It will change your life. And gratitude, being thankful for every little thing in your life makes a huge difference. Try looking for the positive in any situation. The more positive you focus on, the more positive will come back to you. 

When my marriage imploded I thought I was dead inside. I could not see any light. I figured my life was over. If I didn't have kids I would have killed myself because I saw no hope. For people that are going through this now, you are in my heart. It will get better. You will be happy again. You deserve to be happy. Try to see the end of the marriage as a door opening. You are free to experience an incredible life. 

I have grown and learned. My husband is still stuck in the same old patterns of our marriage. He will never have a fulfilling relationship as long as he continues this way. He is currently dating his cousin. I feel so sorry for him because he has learned nothing. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to understand what happened in your marriage so that you don't repeat the same patterns.

I was where you are now and I made it through. You will too!!! Fall in love with yourself. Tell yourself how beautiful you are. You deserve to have happiness, joy and peace in your life. The only person who can do this for you, is you. Although, there is nothing wrong with getting help to do this. Focus on positive, even if you can only be positive for one minute at a time, keep trying. Soon it will be two minutes, then five minutes then an hour. True happiness comes from within. Everyone has the potential, you just have to put some effort into finding it. 

You are all in my heart. Thank you to everyone who's posted here. This site played a big part in helping me heal


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## RayV (Mar 5, 2012)

Glad to hear a positive story. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thankyou got this post. 
I rally needed to hear it today.
I am going to print it out and put it in my journal.
I am healing from my break up but I have a long way to go yet but this gives me hope of a bright future without him
DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

This is so good to hear, there are so many times I feel like this mess is never going to be sorted out. The future looks so bleak. So thank you for giving me hope x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

KNIFE IN THE HEART said:


> My story, after 17 years of marriage my H told me in November 2010 that he didn't love me anymore. Absolute devastation for me. We were the "perfect" couple, everyone said we had a special relationship. We stayed living together and trying to make it work. But I moved out in May 2011 because he said he didn't want to live with me. I suffered greatly, many, many tears and long, horrible nights.
> 
> But, I started counselling, I read self-help books like The Secret, The Power, The Power of Now. I started learning about Buddhism. I rekindled the friendships that I lost because my husband didn't approve. I joined various groups on meetup.com. Basically, I focused on me. During the marriage I had totally lost myself. I couldn't even say what I enjoyed doing because I only did what my husband wanted. By focusing on me, I figured out my interests, my likes and dislikes.
> 
> ...


If I didn't know any better, I would think you were describing me! LOL!
Like you, not too long ago, I was praying for God to change my stbxh heart, and make him realize that our goal should be to save our marriage.
But now...I have accepted and is finally at peace that my marriage is truly over. I think my stbxh is still playing games, but like you, I feel sorry for him.
I went on a date a few nights ago, it was fun, a wonderful diversion, and self esteem builder.
You go girl!!Glad to hear the process of healing applies to everyone, some might not realize it just yet.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

ProfJ said:


> If I didn't know any better, I would think you were describing me! LOL!
> Like you, not too long ago, I* was praying for God to change my stbxh heart, and make him realize that our goal should be to save our marriage.*
> But now...I have accepted and is finally at peace that my marriage is truly over. I think my stbxh is still playing games, but like you, I feel sorry for him.
> I went on a date a few nights ago, it was fun, a wonderful diversion, and self esteem builder.
> You go girl!!Glad to hear the process of healing applies to everyone, some might not realize it just yet.


ProfJ, 
Praying is still where I am but I am realizing that he may have made his decision and won't look back... I think you are also an inspiration.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

KNIFE IN THE HEART said:


> I have grown and learned. My husband is still stuck in the same old patterns of our marriage. He will never have a fulfilling relationship as long as he continues this way. He is currently dating his cousin. I feel so sorry for him because he has learned nothing. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to understand what happened in your marriage so that you don't repeat the same patterns.
> 
> I was where you are now and I made it through. You will too!!! Fall in love with yourself. Tell yourself how beautiful you are. You deserve to have happiness, joy and peace in your life. The only person who can do this for you, is you. Although, there is nothing wrong with getting help to do this. Focus on positive, even if you can only be positive for one minute at a time, keep trying. Soon it will be two minutes, then five minutes then an hour. True happiness comes from within. Everyone has the potential, you just have to put some effort into finding it.
> 
> You are all in my heart. Thank you to everyone who's posted here. This site played a big part in helping me heal


You sound like you are in a great place now and hopefully you will jump back into the dating seen and find someone who will appreciate you. I can't help but be happy when the spouses that give the speech or choose to leave get what they deserve (I know I need to let go - but I am not there). 
thanks for sharing your inspirational story!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> ProfJ,
> Praying is still where I am but I am realizing that he may have made his decision and won't look back... I think you are also an inspiration.


Mamatomany...I literally threw up with dread thinking that my husband is really ending our marriage. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed...then one day...I start praying for God to heal me instead. I still pray for my ex, I've really come a long way.
Time is your friend now...it was my enemy then, since I was resenting the length of the separation thinking that the longer we separate, the more my stbxh will realize that he doesn't need me.
But time made me realize my mistakes, when that happened. I thought, "great, I can show my stbxh that he is right all along, that it really is my fault." That's wrong too, you can't accept your mistakes thinking it will please somebody. If anything, the realization should benefit and please you.
But my stbxh is still hell bent on punishing me, I know that was his intent when he filed the divorce. I could see the smug look on his face when I made the mistake of begging him to fix the marriage with me.
Now I'm the one pushing for the divorce, I felt sorry for him because he is clueless and weak, and he wants to reduce me to an even smaller stature to make himself feel big.
Don't get me wrong...with the strength and acceptance that I have found now, I still don't know if I will reject my stbxh if he finally says, "I'm truly sorry, let's go to counselling, and try and work on our marriage." Maybe I will, maybe I won't. And that's a wonderful thing, because you now accept that there is really no certainty in the future. And all you really need is to try and accept the situation, happiness will come later.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Thanks Knife- Your words are inspiring.
I have finally just accepted that this is over and now it is time to find me and work on me, since like you lost myself in the marriage. While my stbxh is jumping into another relationship ( with the long distance EA)- I want to make sure I am whole before i move on to dating again. Thank you again for sharing


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Very helpful post. Thank you. 

Prof....how long were you separated? I hope i can get to that maybe I would maybe I won't point of reconciliation if mine came back. That shows a lot of maturity in the codependency stage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

yes good to see some positives coming out of here, made me smile today anyway


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Very helpful post. Thank you.
> 
> Prof....how long were you separated? I hope i can get to that maybe I would maybe I won't point of reconciliation if mine came back. That shows a lot of maturity in the codependency stage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sad...I've been separated for 14 months now, my stbxh told me that he is filing for divorce December 30th.
YOu will get there as well...There is a thread here that asks us what it is that we don't miss about our exes. Use that as a tool, now that you're on your own. 
As for me, I can now watch movies that he thinks is too stupid to watch. I can drink wine on a Friday night, after a long week of hard work (it was never allowed when we were living together, even though he knew it's what I used to do, it's a form of control.) I can go and visit friends whenever I want.
It's lonely for you now...because you're missing the familiar, which is being with your husband. Don't mistake familiarity with affection though. Think of the things that you can do now, you may be thinking..."there's really nothing I want to do without involving my husband." It's because, you're still romanticizing a relationship with a husband that you thought existed. But believe me, if your marriage was that great and ideal, you won't be on this site.
Be strong...give yourself time, and you'll be ok.


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