# Thank you all



## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Hi everybody,

This is my story and really just saying a huge thank you to all of you who have shared yours and you amazing people who have spent their time to help others cope with infidelity, in my case those who are coping with a walk away wife, exit affair or someone with GIGS.

Reading these message boards in particular along with others have really helped guide me to overcome my heartbreak and acknowledge/accept the inevitability that my wife isn’t coming back. To understand why it happens and realise it is not our fault, unless of course you have been abusive in any way towards your spouse.

Every story I have read about the betrayal of a spouse and the end of a marriage is a variation of what happened in my life and I have used them as a template to healing through others lives. I hope that makes sense.

First I will point out the facts why it isn’t your fault:

•	Unfortunately like me you chose someone who is easily deceived and tempted by lust and shallow endeavours
•	Your spouse does not know what true love is. In the beginning love may seem like a feeling but feelings change and in the end love is a choice, not an emotion
•	You are a great person and truly don’t deserve to be hurt this way
•	People in this world are broken. Moral and ethical standards are slipping and if we don’t proactively fight against it, we will increase the generational cyclical nature of the beast of the point of the detriment of our society
•	Your partner is selfish, possibly narcissistic or has BPD

Other things to note:

•	Women in particular receive a lot of sleazy attention from dishonourable men; older married men, men who have no morality, selfish men
•	We don’t communicate effectively with our spouse. This is no excuse to have an affair though or “shop around”
•	We deserve better
•	Once your partner has decided to check out of your marriage, it may be a time before you realise and from this point their heart is hardened so much there is no chance of reconciliation and they won’t come back to you, particularly if they have selfishly given their heart to another. I have scoured every message board for an exception to this “rule” in hope that I might have a chance with my wife, but have yet to come across one
•	Your partner’s affair or exit affair has an extremely slim chance of surviving once your marriage is over. What they will do for you they will do to you

*If your betrayal is fresh it doesn’t matter what anyone says it does take time to accept the truth and this is all part of the healing process*

My story in a nutshell:

My wife and I had been together for 5 ½ years, married for 2 of those. We are both from a Christian family background, both from broken families (particularly my Dad had an affair; it didn’t last after my parents divorced). I wanted to stop that chain of hurt and I thought both her and I knew enough of how the world works etc that she would too….obviously not. We got on great and I can safely say from my side I loved her and still do, although I can feel my love for her is diminishing every day.
In hindsight she is a troubled person, I knew it all along but I didn’t know to this extent. I was always there for her and somewhat regrettably after she’s treated me like trash probably will be if she was ever in a bad way, which is how she was when I met her.

So it was January 21st and she said she wanted to get a divorce, initially I wasn’t happy in our marriage too and I agreed (the mind only remembers the most recent feelings). The reasons I wasn’t happy have to do with her subtle comments and digs at me and her making no effort in our relationship over the last while, in hindsight she was deliberately creating distance because of someone else she was attaching herself to.

I went to the spare bedroom for a few days and thought how silly this is and talked to her about counselling and sorting it out and so on, that it’s just silly to throw us away like that without trying to sort it out. She said it’s useless and there’s no hope. At this stage I still didn’t suspect anything until she began staying out late for the next week and at one stage txt me to say she’s staying the night at a friend’s place. So of course I drive over to the friend’s house late at night, her cars not there. I said to myself I will talk to her about it tomorrow and give her an opportunity to tell me about what happened without letting on that I checked on her, if she doesn’t come clean then I will get a GPS on her car.

She didn’t come clean and that’s what I did. I tracked her to her hairdressers (male hairdresser, recently separated from his wife, 2 small kids) house and to his salon. Then even when I confronted her she said they were just friends etc. And a lot of other lies on top of lies. She was moving to a fictitious house with a group of girls etc. I believed her with every new lie I think because my brain wouldn’t accept the truth. The most I’ve ever been angry I can’t call her names but I said “satan is behind those eyes”. I really wanted the lies to be true so that I could regroup and fight for my wife, still not 100% knowing she was in a relationship with this dirt bag.

She moved out straight into his rented unit, I had to find this out for myself because again I wanted her lies to be true so I knew I had a chance. Even when I knew where she was I still fooled myself I had a chance to turn this around and win her back. It’s taken almost 6 months of fighting my hopes to accept it’s over. The grief stages are cyclical and even though you know you are in an up time you are heading for a down time there’s nothing you can do about it. I feel like I’m finally out of it but I can’t say for sure.

All I can say is that you don’t get closure from them, you have to find that yourself. My wife has shut me off completely and this whole time has ignored my few messages.

I can see as well as everyone else that they won’t last. She quit her job to work at his salon soon after our separation, his salon was not doing well and it closed down a few weeks ago. She has created a new hair salon company on paper at least as 100% shareholder (it only takes $150 to file the application), she has no money for this nonsense and has a fair bit of debt so I don’t know how she’s going to pull it off. Since he’s already failed I almost feel bad that she will fail. _*From what I know of this douche bag he is a talker (quite a few OM probably are)*_ and is most likely getting her into some serious financial trouble. Taking no responsibility in the setup of the company, either because he is bankrupt, or he is avoiding having to pay child support.

Meanwhile I have put things in place in my life to improve, a version of the 180. My future has never been brighter and hers is……well, we’ll see.

A great person is out there for you, someone who will know how to love you and cherish you.

Take care and thanks again,
Nick


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

She will come back to you crying. Do not accept her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey GBV-----where is your so called wife gonna get the finances, in case she wants to activate her, on paper plan---and is her scum lover, the one who she will be shifting the money to---if so---you need to protect agst. that happening


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Did you divorce?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

GBValley

Keep the focus on you. Write her a letter goodbye, stick it in an envelope an tuck it into a drawer.

Then move full speed ahead with a divorce.

Go find a real woman that values trust, love, honor and integrity.

Let us know how you are making out.

Did you let the OMW know?

HM64


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Have you separated finances?

Ie are you having to pay her to fvck another dude?


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

GBValley said:


> Hi everybody,
> 
> This is my story and really just saying a huge thank you to all of you who have shared yours and you amazing people who have spent their time to help others cope with infidelity, in my case those who are coping with a walk away wife, exit affair or someone with GIGS.
> 
> ...


This here is a great post to read and to me from what im going thru at the moment it is real to me.

What seems real to me is the part "when the wayward wife walks away, she won't come back", i believe that to be true.

So its best to just let them go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

GBV,

You are doing well. I hope you continue to be strong as you go through more confrontation. If the unbeliever wants to walk, let them walk.


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone,

RFGuy - I would like the chance to be able to do that, but I think she is the type of person to never turn back, she has too much pride. She will fail and keep moving forward. She has isolated herself from her family because she knows she isn't doing a good thing. She's dug her hole so deep the only way out is to keep digging. It takes a lot of courage to admit to making a mistake.

jnj - Our finances have for the most part been separate, lucky for me because she has a lot of irresponsible debt slowly increasing and carried over the years. I'm thinking she might've sold her wedding rings (worth $20k) for her venture, who knows but the thing is we have an odd situation where we were paying her Dad back for the wedding and the rings through working part time at a family business. He is on my side and since she has done this he made it clear it is her responsibility to pay him back now. He says she hasn't paid him anything for 5 months, so she might skip out on paying him and just use the cash to lease a shop. She did try and get a loan to pay her Dad back when this all broke out but she was denied.

weightlifter - As soon as it happened I cancelled our joint account, and soon after that I inherited substantial money that I checked she is not legally entitled to. All protected =)

bob - In NZ we have a 2 year separation period that is mandatory before divorce, she wanted a divorce straight away but we can't.

happyman - I tried to contact this guys wife but she's gone. I think she might have gone back to England with their kids, I don't know. They were separated for a while before this happened though. I think as soon as he separated he had eyes for my wife, or who knows maybe that was something to do with it but I'm certain they didn't have the affair while he was married. It's like that Dr Hook song, "When you're in love with a beautiful woman"!

I didn't mention but after the big bust up I found out she also had an affair with a middle-aged guy from her work 2 years ago too, I contacted his wife and let her know. That's a whole other story, and oddly enough hurts more than the exit affair.

My psychiatrist (emergency one after it happened) said it sounds like she has *Madonna w.hore complex*, historically for men but it can relate to women too. Makes sense.

Take care guys,
Thanks for the support!!!
I'll keep you posted if anything new happens.

Nick


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

As I understand it, the madonna/wh0re complex is usually a flawed male view of women (as in a woman in their view is either one or the other, when in reality, we are just people), not something a woman herself suffers from.

I could be wrong, though. I'd be interested to hear your psychiatrist's reasoning.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

You must have been a really really bad husband for her to settle for a future life of misery rather than stick it out with you!!! 
lol just kidding


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Hi there,

That's why I was careful to put "historically for men...". It is because there is because there is no terminology for a woman with the same issues that my psychiatrist used MWC. When the terminology came about it was a mans world.

So you are right, put simply......men with MWC classify a woman as either a motherly type who will be good for having a family with, stable, loving, honorable etc etc (a madonna) or a woman who would be great to have fun with, sexual, exciting etc etc (*****).

Now woman can be the same about men. It's not about that stereotype of a woman liking the bad boy because it goes beyond that. There are certain things my wife has done and said to me that lead my psychiatrist to this conclusion on our last session, which I am sure you'll appreciate I won't disclose. Except a simple one being that my wife doesn't want to have kids.

But it is the same for woman with MWC (or whatever you want to call it). They see a man who will be a great father, loving husband, is honorable etc etc, or they see a man as a fun time, sexual, *exciting* etc etc.

Their lust continually overrides their love, they can't be happy in a stable relationship with a decent person. They don't know how to love and be fulfilled in that way.

Interested to know your thoughts on this....?

The way my wife is I quite easily see her entering her twilight years alone.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

GBValley said:


> She didn’t come clean and that’s what I did. I tracked her to her hairdressers (male hairdresser, recently separated from his wife, 2 small kids) house and to his salon.
> Nick


Expose the affair to the OMW. Its possible that your WW is the reason for their separation, and the OMW may know more about the affair than you do. Its possible that the affair has been going on for quite a while.



GBValley said:


> bob - In NZ we have a 2 year separation period that is mandatory before divorce, she wanted a divorce straight away but we can't.


There are a few places where the waiting period can be waived if there is adultery involved. Check with your lawyer/solicitor about this.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im so confused....every male hairdresser I have ever known has been gay!!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

GBValley said:


> Hi there,
> 
> That's why I was careful to put "historically for men...". It is because there is because there is no terminology for a woman with the same issues that my psychiatrist used MWC. When the terminology came about it was a mans world.
> 
> ...



I see - I was confused. I thought you meant she had it about herself, not about men.

I think a lot of women who cheat have this - they choose a decent, sensible man as their husband and father of their children, who will support them and give them a comfortable life, whilst getting their rocks off with a bad boy, as their husband is boring.

Of course, this is no better than the madonna/wh0re thing with women.

I don't know from personal experience as I've never cheated. My perfect husband would be both. He would be kind and decent, but at the same time sexy and exciting, as would most men's perfect wife be those same things.

Neither a madonna or a wh0re - but just a decent human being.

I think my biggest problem with the MWC is the concept that a sexual woman is somehow worthy of less respect.

This is quite personal, but I like things a little spicy in the bedroom and during one of our deep conversations, my WH recently confessed that when he found out some of the things I liked him to do, he lost a little respect for me. See, good girls don't do the things that I like. :scratchhead:

It reminded me of a thread elsewhere on the forum I read a while ago about a man who wouldn't let his wife give him a BJ because he felt he wouldn't be able to respect her if she did that. He felt it was demeaning to women.

It's crazy.

On the one hand you have men complaining that their wives are boring in the bedroom/never initiate/[insert complaint of your choice here] and yet when you get one that loves sex, loves to initiate, likes it spicy - she is somehow dirty/wrong/unworthy of respect/[insert epithet of your choice here].


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What i call the reverse MWC is something sadly very common and it's specifically related to infidelity and WWs.
It's the fact they (those WW) won't let themselves lose inhibitions with their husbands, they can't allow themselves open up sexually and "lose their's husband's respect" as good girls, wives and moms, therefore deny certain sexual acts to their husband while become succubus with their APs.
It happens over the 90% of times. It's a double cheating.


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Hi guys,

@lordmayhem - I tried to find OMW thinking to tell her but also curious if she knew more than I did but she's no where to be found. I am quite sure they split before the affair though. It's almost like my wife just took her place, moved everything into their place including our 3 cats and bang, life setup.

@LetDownNTX - Funny you say that because my wifes neice who also got her hair done by this guy was surprised, her words.... "I always thought he was gay, I know he had a wife and kids but I have intuition about these things and I put him down as gay". She is bisexual herself so who knows.

@Robsia & Acabado - You guys make good points. That's the problem with the complex is when you are categorized into either of the 2 groups in their mind it means they will behave a certain way towards you, it's like a predetermined mindset that can't change. It's their psychological hangups.

_"It's the fact they (those WW) won't let themselves lose inhibitions with their husbands"_ = spot on.

They don't think they can have the best of both worlds, but the person with the chance to prove he/she can have traits of both is the person he/she determines to be the wh0re.

My ex before my wife was a sexual person and she was very loving and knew exactly what she wanted in the bedroom, I didn't think of her any less and was grateful I had someone open and honest about these things. She was a wonderful person who I can see as being a the best mother and wife someday.

Now after this experience I think I would trust someone more if they are more open and honest about themselves in a sexual way. I wouldn't trust the wannabe "good girl".


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your best bet is to just let her go. Go completely dark and get yourself into counseling. 

I think you have been given a gift actually. It's good she showed you her true colors so that you do not have to waste anymore of your life with her. She will end up cheating on the OM or he her. It's only a matter of time. Meanwhile find yourself a good woman you can trust. 

If I may ask, what ended your first marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Thanks LostViking,

I'm working on it. It is a gift! But it's hard because like everyone else I love her and it's difficult to move on. It's frustrating too because like most people here you can see they won't last, that they throw away something good for something trivial and relatively short term. I can see exactly how my wife and her "lover" will end and it will happen. Karma is already rearing its beautiful head, it's only going to get worse for her.

I have to admit it I would accept her back under a certain set of rules or actions that must take place, things that she sure as heck won't be living up to in this current state. Her family and I are praying that she will wake up spiritually, but do they ever?

I should clarify it was an ex-girlfriend. We were too young and it was my fault we broke up, I felt I hadn't experienced enough to "settle". No one else involved, it was a clean break up. I loved her and really do hope she has found a great guy, better than me to spend her life with.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

After she had debased herself and spread her legs for another man? How could you ever take her back? I wouldn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

LostViking said:


> After she had debased herself and spread her legs for another man? How could you ever take her back? I wouldn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup - we all thought that. Till it happened.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Yup - we all thought that. Till it happened.


Give his hairdressing business all the publicity it can handle. Www.cheaterville.com 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

LostViking said:


> After she had debased herself and spread her legs for another man? How could you ever take her back? I wouldn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^
|
exactly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

The Madonna/***** complex is just a matter of a person who compartmentalizes. They want security, the want excitement. They pidgeonhole their spouses, in this case their husbands, putting them in one place in their little world and the exciting bad boy/alpha male/successful playboy in another.

It's a boring and sad behavioral trait of quite a number of women who can now fulfill their fantasies much easier than they could before. Hence the cheating explosion. 

I don't think anyone like this is really capable of loving someone. Love for them is always a convenience. You, my husband. . . .you're the father/provider...you stand over there. You, my hot lover who fulfills my emotional and sexual needs...you over here.


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Give his hairdressing business all the publicity it can handle. Www.cheaterville.com
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Agree with this here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

haha wow I didn't know such a site existed! Would be funny to put them both on there but I don't want to force karma. What are the legal ramifications of putting someone on there?

@Robsia - what's your story?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/69227-when-does-stop-hurting.html

and here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/69262-what-do-you-get-out-counselling.html

and this one was a shocker http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/76978-robsias-d-day-2-a.html

The rest is in the reconciliation thread. It was rocky for a while, but I am cautiously optimistic


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Wow Robsia,

Sorry you've been put through all that ****. Seriously you deserve a lot better than your husband but I relate to wanting to work it out because of love, that you want your partner to fix their selfish ways etc. I hope he does understand what he's missing, it seems like he has a few issues he needs to sort through by himself. So I wish you all the luck!

Just from people menioning cheaterville I googled his salon reviews....
Craze Hair, Hairdressers in Howick, Manukau City - finda.co.nz
Seems like he really is a creep. He does look like one too (white shirt)....
Man in the middle | Blade Hair
I put in a "review" myself just now but it would probably get denied posting so edited it to try and get it up haha.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Your OM is that little guy in the middle picture???

He looks like don ho meets jerseyliscious!!!

Your wife needs an eye test.


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

LOL no it's the greasy guy on the left in the white shirt. Still needs to get her eyes checked though


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

All he needs more is "player" written on that shirt.


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## GBValley (Jun 23, 2013)

Hey guys just an update on my story,

My mum asked me to come over for dinner last night, I went over and half way through the dinner she started welling up and said she had something to tell me. My heart stopped because I had no idea what she was going to say! After some hesitation she told me my walk away wife was engaged to om. Well I guess she never loved me, it's hard to take and my mum was upset she would do this extra thing as a slap in my face. Today my heart was hurting quite a bit, maybe it's because I had no control/choice over this outcome it's harder?

Her dad is still praying for a positive outcome but I pretty much told him it's over now since this new revelation. I know she's troubled and the best thing to do is leave her to dig her hole but I guess at the end of the day love is love and when someone doesn't love you like you wanted then it's hard to accept. I've had some very vivid dreams about pummeling the **** out of him and then telling crowds of people what they have done to shame them but then everyone ends up laughing at me because I look like a loser whos wife left him for a guy like this.

It's only been 6 months! Ridiculous.

Other news is she has actually opened the hair salon and with the engagement went on holiday to Samoa with om. I don't know how the hell she is getting all this money and I suspect her mum is aiding her somehow. I was told her mum had mothers day lunch with them both back in May - sick. Selling the wedding rings would've only got her so much.

The only word I can think to describe this whole thing is "gross"
In a way I feel a bit of relief I can let go of her more and forget about her family who actually do nothing for me except for her nephew, uncle and her dad who are honorable people and have made it clear they have my back. Everyone else straddles the fence, understandable. But her mum annoys me the most, such a selfish woman - she has no integrity in what she has done in her own life so no surprise shes assisting her daughter.

Take it easy guys.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im so confused....every male hairdresser I have ever known has been gay!!


A straight hairdresser is like a straight ballet dancer: a very, very busy guy.


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## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

GBValley said:


> But her mum annoys me the most, such a selfish woman - she has no integrity in what she has done in her own life so no surprise shes assisting her daughter.


Reminds me of my girlfriend's mother. She had an exit EA about 15 years ago. From what my girlfriend told me, nobody in the family really realized it was, indeed, an affair.
15 years later, she still s*cks at life and can't get her sh*t together. My girlfriend had to pay for her to go visit her family who's in even deeper sh*t. Whilst visiting them, my GF had to pay for her uncle basic living expenses (food, gas, car maintenance)...
I guess it runs on that side of the family.
Aaaaah, MIL's... What can you do?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> A straight hairdresser is like a straight ballet dancer: a very, very busy guy.


I knew a male cheerleader. DONT LAUGH. He fvcked roughly half of them and got to shower with them to "wash their fronts" damn near every week.

OP sorry it went down this way.

Heal up and remember (Yes in the future): 
1) Success is the best revenge. Yes this means falling in love again in the FUTURE.
2) A few random poons will be superglue for that smashed ego of yours. Just dont overdo.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im so confused....every male hairdresser I have ever known has been gay!!


That would be a great Karma bus :rofl:


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

GBV
Just shows you what material she is made of, just sit back and watch, this is Karma Bus in the making of Magnanimous Accident on her, she is going to fall hard, my understanding is that you do not have kids with her just go hard dark on her, luckily you do not have to keep contact with her at all
within 6 - 12 months she will knock back on your door begging after he will suck her dry (Pun intended) , (he has small children that he will need to pay for, guess who will foot the bill!!!)

as I said Stay away and watch the show it is going to become interesting, especially if she will be stupid enough to marry him
There are plenty of good woman out there that will be happy to have a good man why settle for a broken selfish WH$$%re


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