# So...



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

So DH and I recently celebrated our second anniversary. Our first year of marriage was really rough, but we had a lot of sex. Like at least once a day for almost the entire first year. Our second year the sex has dwindled to maybe once a week, sometimes twice a week. I have an IUD as birth control that sometimes causes me pain but not often. 

I don't know why but my desire for sex had dropped a lot. Emotionally I want it, but physically I don't respond the way I used to. 

We don't have a lot of money, we don't have medical insurance and can't afford to see a doctor. 

Help?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When did you get the IUD? Birth control TOTALLY sucked my libido. Within one month, I didn't want sex at all which is NOT like me (we are a couple that has it at least 5 times a week).

When I quit birth control after a month, my libido was full force within a week.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

March 2009, five months before we married. And my libido was fine the first year. It was also pretty good most of the second year. I started college last year in September so it naturally decreased a little but lately...I don't know, it's been really hard to tell if I'm going to be able to perform or not.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, women's libidos can be affected by so many things - both emotional and physical.

Low sex drive in women - MayoClinic.com

Is the IUD you are on the hormonal one, or the non-hormonal? If it's the hormonal one, that could have an impact on your drive.

Are there other things going on in your relationship with your husband? Often the sexual side of things can be a barometer for other issues that may be going on.

Is your husband able to get you aroused, even if you don't start out that way? That's a pretty common scenario for women, especially if you are in a long-term relationship. Women's sexual arousal and response cycle is a little bit different than a man's - often requiring more foreplay and sometimes just going for it and letting your husband try and arouse you.

Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It's the Mirena IUD. I think there are some hormones but it's not supposed to be a large amount. 

Yes, he arouses me. Sometimes(actually, a lot of the time) I think he's a little too eager to get inside of me that, even though I may be lubricated, I'm not really ready to receive him. And sometimes it causes pain, which causes pain with the IUD and that usually means the whole tryst is over. I have told him to take more time with foreplay, to speak to me and not just kiss me the whole time, to do things that are intentionally risque or provocative. He doesn't really go the extra mile, though. Sometimes I'd rather just give oral. 

He used to ask me to give him strip teases. Doesn't any more. I've asked him to try role playing with me and, even though he has sometimes, it's been very rare and never him initiating it. I thought men liked that stuff? I've even pretended to be a hooker but...he just doesn't seem to enjoy it at all. Am I maybe doing something wrong, or is it just that he doesn't like it? I've asked him if he doesn't like it and he's said that it isn't that. He said he's just not confident in his own performance at role playing and yet I have always reinforced his performance. He's AWESOME at it. And yet he's still not confident? 

I dunno what to do. I've looked up tons of things to do to speak to his sexual side and either he doesn't like it, or I don't get any feedback. He never tries anything new with me. I've asked him to, but he never takes the initiative or makes the effort to do so.


----------



## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

It sounds like any of the hormonal b/c has negative side affects such as loss of drive. Other things for you could be the stress from college and money. As far as the foreplay he needs to go the extra mile that is the most rewarding part .... pleasing your partner !! That makes me more aroused than anything when I can see the pleasure on her face. It sounds like you are really trying and that many men crave what you are offering and would give anything for a woman like you. He needs to wake up !


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> It's the Mirena IUD. I think there are some hormones but it's not supposed to be a large amount.
> 
> Yes, he arouses me. Sometimes(actually, a lot of the time) I think he's a little too eager to get inside of me that, even though I may be lubricated, I'm not really ready to receive him. And sometimes it causes pain, which causes pain with the IUD and that usually means the whole tryst is over. I have told him to take more time with foreplay, to speak to me and not just kiss me the whole time, to do things that are intentionally risque or provocative. He doesn't really go the extra mile, though. Sometimes I'd rather just give oral.
> 
> ...


Have you solicited feedback from him, in an open, honest, non-judgmental environment? He might not be thrilled with role-play, but there is likely something out there that appeals to him. Ask him point-blank to list the top ten things he finds as sexual turn-ons, and promise him no recriminations or judgements. If he likes oral while you smoke a cigarette, dresses up in your underwear when you aren't around, or gets aroused at the sight of a well-made bed, you should let him lay it out for you. Meanwhile, you give him the same. It doesn't have to be hyperspecific, but a good general idea of what fantasies get you off.

Then (and this is IMPORTANT) have him rate them from most important/arousing to least. More than likely you'll see some commonalities that y'all can exploit. If nothing else, you'll both gain insight to the things which turn each other on. 

Remember, it's your second year of marriage. Don't think for a moment because you've mastered the basics that the "repeat as necessary" method of marital sex will get you both through. Just because we get married doesn't mean that we stop growing as sexual individuals; the need for novelty, excitement, and intrigue still remains. If those aren't creatively fed, then you'll start having real problems.

Just my advice.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Have you solicited feedback from him, in an open, honest, non-judgmental environment? He might not be thrilled with role-play, but there is likely something out there that appeals to him. Ask him point-blank to list the top ten things he finds as sexual turn-ons, and promise him no recriminations or judgements. If he likes oral while you smoke a cigarette, dresses up in your underwear when you aren't around, or gets aroused at the sight of a well-made bed, you should let him lay it out for you. Meanwhile, you give him the same. It doesn't have to be hyperspecific, but a good general idea of what fantasies get you off.
> 
> Then (and this is IMPORTANT) have him rate them from most important/arousing to least. More than likely you'll see some commonalities that y'all can exploit. If nothing else, you'll both gain insight to the things which turn each other on.


This is a really good idea. I'll give it a try. 

I know that some of it is my fault...I haven't always addressed these things as...maturely as I should have. But I'm trying. I will try this next to see what he says.



IanIronwood said:


> Remember, it's your second year of marriage. Don't think for a moment because you've mastered the basics that the "repeat as necessary" method of marital sex will get you both through. Just because we get married doesn't mean that we stop growing as sexual individuals; the need for novelty, excitement, and intrigue still remains. If those aren't creatively fed, then you'll start having real problems.
> 
> Just my advice.


Good advice.  I totally get the need for newer things in the bedroom. Our first year he would ask me to put on lengere...he even asked me to learn how to striptease for him. I did the very day he asked, and worked for weeks on perfecting it...finding out the things he liked most. 

It's been over a year since he's asked me to strip tease or wear lengere. And it's not like I've put on weight, or anything.  Makes me feel kinds of...boring, ya know? Kind of...unwanted. I just want to know that I really am desired and that my requests will be met too.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Started the talk today...So far he's said that he wants more frequency...that he performs much better if we have sex 5-7 times a week, as opposed to 2-4 times a week. Which I get. Also said that he would like to try more positions. We really only stick to three: missionary with him on top, missionary with me on top, and me on my stomach with him on top. Sometimes he's be on his back and I'll be on top on my back, and sometimes we'll go to a chair...Oh, and sometimes he'll take me from the side. I'm totally open to these things...I am very unhappy with our frequency so we agree there...I'm also open to more positions, I just normally don't like them because he normally doesn't wait until I'm fully turned on to penetrate, and then wants to do a new position but it hurts me so we can't do it. 

I've told him that as long as we don't rush foreplay and penetration, I should be able to do other positions. I want to do other positions...the same three get kinda old after a while. Though I do love going on top. It's the only position I've had a vaginal/g-spot orgasm.

Any position ideas I can initiate? 

We're finishing the talk tonight...


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Any position ideas I can initiate?


Lots of position ideas on this website (and it's a fairly discreet site with animated characters): Your Guide for Sex Tips | SexInfo101.com

My H and I also love the CAT position (Google "Coital Alignment Technique"). It's a modified man on top missionary where you use more of a sliding/grinding motion.

Best wishes.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Lots of position ideas on this website (and it's a fairly discreet site with animated characters): Your Guide for Sex Tips | SexInfo101.com
> 
> My H and I also love the CAT position (Google "Coital Alignment Technique"). It's a modified man on top missionary where you use more of a sliding/grinding motion.
> 
> Best wishes.


Thanks. 

We finished the talk. Neither of us could think of a full ten things, but we did get to five. One of his fantasies is anal sex. We tried it once before(I was drunk) and did NOT know what we were doing. We didn't use extra lube or anything, and he didn't go in slowly so...yeah. It was incredibly painful and has really tainted my view of anal sex. 

With there being so many health risks with it, and with it being so painful...I'm not excited about it being on his list. Before we married he said he had absolutely no interest in anal sex, rim jobs or anything involving the anus. Then, after our first year...things changed. He's...really obsessed with my butt and, specifically, anal sex. I am a small person(5' tall...petite), and he has a BIG penis.(Just over nine inches long fully erect, and not skinny) So...yeah. OUCH. 

He told me that even if I'm never open to it again, that that's fine. He doesn't want me to feel pressured...but I kind of feel bad. I have no qualms with him playing with my anus during sex and I actually like him fingering it during oral...but I don't want to keep something that is a major fantasy for him off the table...But nor do I want to hurt myself. I mean...he's freaking huge for someone my size, and the last time we did it I didn't take a crap for four days. I just...I don't know what to do. 

Am I making it into too big of a deal? Or is this something I need to work on? 

Either way, how do you make anal sex more pleasurable and less painful?


----------



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Thanks.
> 
> We finished the talk. Neither of us could think of a full ten things, but we did get to five. One of his fantasies is anal sex. We tried it once before(I was drunk) and did NOT know what we were doing. We didn't use extra lube or anything, and he didn't go in slowly so...yeah. It was incredibly painful and has really tainted my view of anal sex.
> 
> ...


I do not think anal sex even can be pleasurable for a woman.

But maybe you could somewhat tolerate it and not feel any extreme pain if you use like a bucket of lube and is on top so you control the tempo.


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You two really need to get some lube. Heck if you don't have easy access to that you can just get some hypoallergenic hand lotion to keep on the night stand. 

My wife is not a naturally wet person so we always use some sort of lube.

As for anal.....he sounds too big. He's is going to have to get passed that fantasy. I'm not as large as him and anal is pretty much off limits for me because of size limitations. You could throw some toys in the mix though. My wife likes a very small glass toy "back there" from time to time.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Thanks.
> 
> We finished the talk. Neither of us could think of a full ten things, but we did get to five. One of his fantasies is anal sex. We tried it once before(I was drunk) and did NOT know what we were doing. We didn't use extra lube or anything, and he didn't go in slowly so...yeah. It was incredibly painful and has really tainted my view of anal sex.
> 
> ...


Nowhere in the marriage vows does it say that when you try and meet your spouse's sexual needs that it has to entail something that you may find painful (or degrading or disrespectful if those emotions enter in to it).

A thoughtful and caring spouse would be understanding toward you and take that in to consideration and wouldn't push for that activity - they would wait until you were ready and would accept it gracefully if it ended up being not at all.

I would suggest not trying to make that big of a deal about it for either of you. It should be done under no pressure, no coercion, and only when you truly feel ready to (if at all).

There were at least 4 other things on your husband's list that you could work on to blow his socks off! 

Best wishes.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Created2Write said:


> It's the Mirena IUD. I think there are some hormones but it's not supposed to be a large amount.


The Mirena IUD causes sexual side effects at a fairly serious rate. The effects can build over time.

mirena sex drive gone - Google Search


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Created2Write said:


> Thanks.
> 
> We finished the talk. Neither of us could think of a full ten things, but we did get to five. One of his fantasies is anal sex. We tried it once before(I was drunk) and did NOT know what we were doing. We didn't use extra lube or anything, and he didn't go in slowly so...yeah. It was incredibly painful and has really tainted my view of anal sex.
> 
> ...


Tell him "you first" and then go and buy a 9 inch dildo and have at him, sans lube.
Then tell him to stop guilting you in to something that you have already found physically painful and hurt you for days.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Tell him "you first" and then go and buy a 9 inch dildo and have at him, sans lube.
> Then tell him to stop guilting you in to something that you have already found physically painful and hurt you for days.


That'll work as long he's NOT "into it."


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> That'll work as long he's NOT "into it."


Yeah, forgot about that. Men have prostates.
The point being SHE isn't in to it and has already tried it and it hurt her for days. He needs to lay off the porn and have a better understanding that many women don't like it, despite what a paid actor would have you believe.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Yeah, forgot about that. Men have prostates.
> The point being SHE isn't in to it and has already tried it and it hurt her for days. He needs to lay off the porn and have a better understanding that many women don't like it, despite what a paid actor would have you believe.


Oh, I agree. Just don't know about that guy.

Poor attempt at humor.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Tell him "you first" and then go and buy a 9 inch dildo and have at him, sans lube.
> Then tell him to stop guilting you in to something that you have already found physically painful and hurt you for days.


That could backfire in a big way.
I`d go buy her the dildo.



My wife is into anal sex, she`s 5'0" and 100 lbs soaking wet.

I am only 7 inches long however so she`s not facing what you are.


I will at times literally take days warming her up to anal.
Slow sweet love making for nights with a lot of oral for her while I play with her ass.

When I think she`s ready for it I`ll get a little deeper and rougher with my fingers in her anally(lots of lube).

Go slow,LOTS OF LUBE, an inch at a time and let him know there`s no way you`re going to take every inch of that monster.
My wife can rarely take all of me, although with the proper amount of alcoholic lubrication at times she takes control and does take it all very roughly.

Just take your time get used to the feeling of something inside you there and after awhile it won`t be painful anymore if he`s gentle.
You may even begin to enjoy it.

LOTS OF LUBE!!

Edit: He has access to the internet tell him he should be doing a little reading up on the act because his first attempt was apparently pretty ****ty and selfish.


----------



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

tacoma said:


> My wife is into anal sex, she`s 5'0" and 100 lbs soaking wet.


Everytime I see a guy say his wife/girlfriend likes anal sex I suspect him of lying, no offence.

I see alot of guys say their girlfriend or wife likes it... But I never see any actual women say they like it themselves. Strange 

Probably some couples do have it yes. But I don't believe for a second that the woman actually enjoys it. No chance.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Everytime I see a guy say his wife/girlfriend likes anal sex I suspect him of lying, no offence.
> 
> I see alot of guys say their girlfriend or wife likes it... But I never see any actual women say they like it themselves. Strange
> 
> Probably some couples do have it yes. But I don't believe for a second that the woman actually enjoys it. No chance.


Doesn`t matter what you believe.

I`ve never approached a woman for anal it`s always been their idea.


----------



## heather_wi (Aug 23, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Thanks.
> 
> We finished the talk. Neither of us could think of a full ten things, but we did get to five. One of his fantasies is anal sex. We tried it once before(I was drunk) and did NOT know what we were doing. We didn't use extra lube or anything, and he didn't go in slowly so...yeah. It was incredibly painful and has really tainted my view of anal sex.
> 
> ...




Wow....he sounds huge...lucky girl...


----------



## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

Brian. said:


> I do not think anal sex even can be pleasurable for a woman.
> 
> But maybe you could somewhat tolerate it and not feel any extreme pain if you use like a bucket of lube and is on top so you control the tempo.


On the contrary, I enjoy it quite a bit.  But yeah, you do have to take your time, and make sure there is lots of lubrication. I find that I don't actually enjoy it so much unless I have some sort of clitoral stimulation along with it. Only thing is, it's a quick O which could be bad if you're not very multi-orgasmic, haha.

*edit*
Oh! And as far as health risks... Just be sure to be extra clean before you try, and don't go vaginally afterwards unless he washes.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

My husband doesn't view porn, just FYI. He's never been into it or agreed with it. (We are both Christians, so neither of us believe in using porn) And, also for information sake, he's never, ever, pressured me for anal sex. In fact, the only way I even knew it was a fantasy of his was right before the time we went to try it. Neither of us knew much about it at all, so he wasn't being selfish. We were both drunk and made a dumb decision. 

Since then the only times he has talked about has been when I've brought it up. So, he's not just thinking about himself. And he's not pressuring me. I'm pressuring myself more than anything. We've talked about it and he has said that he is fine if anal is never in our sex life. Someone said it already; "There are four other things on the list I can use to blow his socks off." I will have to get pass this myself. Thank you for those who gave tips on how to have anal sex. The most important thing being that he won't be able to put all of him in me. We figured out the lube part and the going slow the last time by not having lube and not going slow. lol. Even if we don't actually do it for some time, it helps to know the proper way to do it. 

And yes, to the poster who said my husband sounds huge and I'm lucky, you're right. He is huge, and I am lucky.  

My sex drive seems to be coming back. We've had sex three times in four days, with little intention of slowing down. He said that, ideally, having sex twice a day everyday(like we did when we were first married) would be the ultimate sexual fantasy for him. I have no issue with this at all. I loved having sex multiple times a day. The IUD sometimes made that impossible with some pain at times. The pain is significantly less often now. 

It feels good to be sexually reunited with my husband again. Going a whole week without it was...torture. I know we're not out of the woods yet. But now that we're back in the groove of what we've wanted our sex life to be, it feels better. And he's been suffering from allergies all this time too.

I am still open to suggestions, though.  I've read up on the IUD and some people have reported loss of sex drive while on it. Perhaps it took two years for that to kick in for me...My sex drive has been great the last four days. Still, are there any good remedies for increasing sexual desire? I read in a sex self-help book that even having sex more often then usual helps increase libido. Is there anything else that can help though?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Neither of us knew much about it at all, so he wasn't being selfish. We were both drunk and made a dumb decision.


Ahh yes, I`ve had some bad experiences that way myself.

My apologies for the assumptions .

You guys sound like you`re doing just fine.
I wish you luck created!!


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Ahh yes, I`ve had some bad experiences that way myself.
> 
> My apologies for the assumptions .
> 
> ...


Thanks.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Get the Mirena out of you. Your sex drive should absolutely NOT be tanking at age 22 if you are physically healthy. It shouldn't hurt you either. 

Go back to you GYN doctor and tell them what is happening.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, I can't really do that. DH and I can't afford to see a doctor. We lost our health insurance, nor can we afford to pay for a child if I were to get pregnant after I had the Mirena taken out.


----------

