# To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Just wanted to know from any fWSs or WSs:

1) What was going on in the life of your spouse and 
2) What was going in in the life/lives of your children (if any), the moment you met your AP and during your affair? 

Is there any recall of what was happening in their lives during your affair?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Calibre1212 said:


> Just wanted to know from any fWSs or WSs:
> 
> 1) What was going on in the life of your spouse and
> 2) What was going in in the life/lives of your children (if any), the moment you met your AP and during your affair?
> ...


You got a better chance winning the Kentucky derby strapped to the back of a Donkey then getting honest feedback from any waywards!!!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm not a wayward, never have been, but I know the word that keeps coming up with many waywards is "compartmentalization".

For many people (not necessarily just cheaters) they go through their day in blocks. They go to work and only focus on work, they go to lunch and only think about lunch, when they spend time with their kids and/or spouse, that time is all about the kids and/or spouse. They can hit on or get hit on at lunch and be all into it, then not think about it when the go home to their spouse.


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm not a wayward, never have been, but I know the word that keeps coming up with many waywards is "compartmentalization".
> 
> For many people (not necessarily just cheaters) they go through their day in blocks. They go to work and only focus on work, they go to lunch and only think about lunch, when they spend time with their kids and/or spouse, that time is all about the kids and/or spouse. They can hit on or get hit on at lunch and be all into it, then not think about it when the go home to their spouse.


I think the compartmentalization is a real thing. I had never thought about it until reading here and seeing it in my STBX. She comes across as cold and distant, and can switch gears in no time. She is like a robot, and her ability to have no emotion truly amazes me. I'm sure it doesn't help that she takes Adderall like candy, but it is what it is. 

No amount of reason or rationalization will make her see what she has done. I think most of us guys here are honest and caring people. Not perfect by any means, but I guess the stability of family life can't match the rush and the thrill of the OM.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

When I was/am in touch with my inappropriate friend I do compartmentalize. Life stays pretty much the same otherwise. With me we are not planning any type of future life together since I am almost twice her age. We are content to care about each other. But ours is not the type of ea that would easily lead to a pa. But unless a ws is evil and enjoys the pain of others I think compartmentalizing is spot on.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

And dad of 2.....my fondness for my young friend started when I was overusing adderall. I think it made it easier for my brain to rewire itself.... and not in a good way. Hope this convinces folks that a ws can try to be honest and direct.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

As for recall.......when you are focusing on another's feelings and needs.....there is some impact on day to day activities.....not so much recall...but less involvement overall in what is going on with spouse and kids. Really not fair at all to them.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

More ranting about adderall/amphetamines for adhd. When I took my morning pill....I called it blowing sunshine up my a**. It does greatly magnify pleasant feelings and emotions. If someone's AP does something decent it is magnified to ultimate greatness. Scary stuff.....stopped cold a couple years ago...like breaking an addiction.


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> More ranting about adderall/amphetamines for adhd. When I took my morning pill....I called it blowing sunshine up my a**. It does greatly magnify pleasant feelings and emotions. If someone's AP does something decent it is magnified to ultimate greatness. Scary stuff.....stopped cold a couple years ago...like breaking an addiction.


Wow thanks for the insight on the adderall. I have always suspected that it is playing a part in her crazy ways of thinking over the last year, but if your explanation is correct that is eye opening. I have never heard it explained like that. Sad thing is, she doesn't have ADHD but she knows what to tell the doc to keep the prescription coming. 

I think she takes it more for the appetite suppression as she has been concerned about her weight for about 2 years. I think the euphoric effect is magnified when she's around OM, and that is a deadly side effect to our marriage.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life*



IIJokerII said:


> You got a better chance winning the Kentucky derby strapped to the back of a Donkey then getting honest feedback from any waywards!!!


And people wonder WHY waywards don't want to post here. No, it isn't because we can't give honest answers. It's because, no matter what we say, it gets twisted and turned back on us. And, once again, we are the most evil f*cking people on the face of the earth. Why? Because we gave you the answers you asked for and you didn't like them. Get a life, Joker.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life*



Calibre1212 said:


> Just wanted to know from any fWSs or WSs:
> 
> 1) What was going on in the life of your spouse and
> 2) What was going in in the life/lives of your children (if any), the moment you met your AP and during your affair?
> ...


1. He was dealing with bipolar disorder, but his is such that he is always depressed. He MIGHT get up to "normal", almost, but that's as "up" as he gets. Other than that, everything was pretty much normal. We were gaming together. Nothing out of the ordinary. Idk if that's what you meant?

2. Not sure about what was going on with the kids. Everything was normal. Went to school. Came home. Played games. Watched tv. Like I said, nothing unusual going on. 

Recall of what was going on... my oldest was playing baseball in elementary school. I went to every game, with my dad and sister and my other kids.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> You got a better chance winning the Kentucky derby strapped to the back of a Donkey then getting honest feedback from any waywards!!!


This blanket statement is wrong. It's correct for many, but not all. There are some former waywards here on TAM who are changed people and have excellent perspective. They have my respect.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think my SIL is too busy texting to know what is going on with her family.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> And dad of 2.....my fondness for my young friend started when I was overusing adderall. I think it made it easier for my brain to rewire itself.... and not in a good way. Hope this convinces folks that a ws can try to be honest and direct.


I'm really glad that you provided your perspective, and I love hearing from FWSs but I do have some concerns for both you and your betrayed wife.

I wouldn't call blaming a prescription for your ongoing infidelity "honest and direct." Especially given that you mention the drawbacks of adderrall and your "young friend" how many times, with nary a word about your poor wife or kids.

fwiw, my husband was wayward before he started treating his ADHD, and ever since starting meds (nearly a year), his attitude toward me, his mom, etc has been 100x better. No more cheating (as far as I can tell) either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Wowey! Thanks all. I suppose it is that mastery of the expert skill re: Compartmentalization afterall...

@ Maricha, while at the games, were you concentrating on your son's performance or thinking of OM? Were you able to live in the "present" of family life or was he always on your mind?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> And people wonder WHY waywards don't want to post here. No, it isn't because we can't give honest answers. It's because, no matter what we say, it gets twisted and turned back on us. And, once again, we are the most evil f*cking people on the face of the earth. Why? Because we gave you the answers you asked for and you didn't like them. Get a life, Joker.


Get a life...... Funny, I had one at one point, then one day I was unwillingly consumed into this other life and not by choice, scared, cold feelings and pain, lots of pain. Kinda like birth. Then followed the trauma, the continuous emotional trauma of lies and betrayal. Washed away was the subliminal brainwashing of my wife's so called happy marriage, kowtowing the whole time to fill a void that was never capable of being filled.

And please try to remember, this section of the TAM forum does not contain losers, or quitters or has been's. It contains Victims, and from the look of things lots of them. Some have to endure life with the assailant for however long they can tolerate while others are strong enough to leave them behind while still carrying the emotional baggage of what they endured. We are the victims of emotional rape and left with the same trauma as if it were a physical one. 

We are paranoid, isolated, closed off, angry, helpless......... Add some of your own for fun. And best yet they new it was wrong, costly and destructive, they made themselves feel good at someone else's expense and for all the times we asked them to stop, most refuse and blame us for our failures or shortcomings. Nobody asks for this trauma, physical or emotional.

My statement was not a put down, but an honest one to be sure, so perhaps you could enlighten me as to why your reference of unrewarded honesty from WS is unjust yet punish mine?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life*



Calibre1212 said:


> Wowey! Thanks all. I suppose it is that mastery of the expert skill re: Compartmentalization afterall...
> 
> @ Maricha, while at the games, were you concentrating on your son's performance or thinking of OM? Were you able to live in the "present" of family life or was he always on your mind?


I stated in at least one other thread that when I was at my son's baseball games, I was focused on him, focused on the kids playing. Focused on my other two kids. I met OM on a game. Never met in person. I was able to live in the "present" with the kids and my husband, quite easily. I talked to OM (as well as other friends) ingame. I did not text/email/message when with everyone else, except when playing the game. Even then, my husband was playing as well. And, I was also doing other hobbies, like needlework, crocheting, and even reading.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life*



IIJokerII said:


> My statement was not a put down, but an honest one to be sure, so perhaps you could enlighten me as to why your reference of unrewarded honesty from WS is unjust yet punish mine?


Nice to see you twist what I said. My problem isn't, as you put it "unrewarded honesty from WS is unjust". No, my problem is one word in the quote below. One word that could easily have been changed and I would have wholeheartedly agreed with you. Just one word.



IIJokerII said:


> You got a better chance winning the Kentucky derby strapped to the back of a Donkey then getting honest feedback from *any* waywards!!!


Any. That right there says that you don't believe that even one fWS could possibly be capable of telling the truth. That word right there shows that you seem to believe we are ALL like your WS. And we are not. Just because yours wasn't, or isn't, honest about what was going on does NOT mean the rest of us are not. A better word, in place of "any", would have been "most" or "many". So, whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, your statement was, in fact, a put down.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

substitute "most" for "any" and the rule applies. TAM is different though, there are some open WS's here.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Nice to see you twist what I said. My problem isn't, as you put it "unrewarded honesty from WS is unjust". No, my problem is one word in the quote below. One word that could easily have been changed and I would have wholeheartedly agreed with you. Just one word.
> 
> 
> 
> Any. That right there says that you don't believe that even one fWS could possibly be capable of telling the truth. That word right there shows that you seem to believe we are ALL like your WS. And we are not. Just because yours wasn't, or isn't, honest about what was going on does NOT mean the rest of us are not. A better word, in place of "any", would have been "most" or "many". So, whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, your statement was, in fact, a put down.


Your expenditure of energy to focus on one particular word is questionable, as if you made it a deliberate effort to find something to be irritated about. At this point in my life the word any, I feel anyway, applies. I have seen reformed smokers, drinkers, gamblers, take your pick, reflect back on their past, lamenting to others about their mistakes and the impact it has had on others, and at the time they also lament their apathy to these peoples feelings or experiences due to someone else's destructive behavior. 

But one time I heard a former drunk begin to talk about his past and after getting pulled into the conversation he chose to let me in on a little secret; Lets call it reflective self-demeaning. He said that although he did have some regret at what he did in the past, at the time it was fun and some times he enjoyed talking about it with other people saying that despite the damage it was at times worth it.

If one word is all it takes to strum a nerve and elicit a vexing response perhaps you are angry at something else. That is not a statement but an opinion.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> I stated in at least one other thread that when I was at my son's baseball games, I was focused on him, focused on the kids playing. Focused on my other two kids. I met OM on a game. Never met in person. I was able to live in the "present" with the kids and my husband, quite easily. I talked to OM (as well as other friends) ingame. I did not text/email/message when with everyone else, except when playing the game. Even then, my husband was playing as well. And, I was also doing other hobbies, like needlework, crocheting, and even reading.


On a separate note, What did it take to snap you out of the game world fantasy feeling?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

shakes head


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> shakes head


At which part?


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

So Maricha, just for clarification: Your husband, the OM and your son were at these games? If so, I think the circumstances would be a tad bit different in reference to the ideating because it seems everything was "jelled" but I do thank you for answering bravely and honestly.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life*



Calibre1212 said:


> So Maricha, just for clarification: Your husband, the OM and your son were at these games? If so, I think the circumstances would be a tad bit different in reference to the ideating because it seems everything was "jelled" but I do thank you for answering bravely and honestly.


Ugh! No! Baseball games, I went with my dad, my sister, her daughter, and my youngest two children to watch my oldest son play. My husband went to one, maybe two games the entire season. My dad and I made sure we were at each game. 

I already stated above that *I never met OM in person*. Ever. I met him online, while playing a computer game. I met him through my husband, actually. So, no, all three of us were never at the games together.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life*



IIJokerII said:


> On a separate note, What did it take to snap you out of the game world fantasy feeling?


Burn out. My husband and I took a hiatus from gaming. We are playing again, but it doesn't consume me the way it did before. And neither of us is in contact with OM. Don't know if he even plays anymore.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

No, Joker, I am not "angry at something else" because I caught "one word" in your post. I'm just sick of all waywards, and former waywards, being categorically dismissed as still being dishonest, because someone's spouse is that way. Her actions, her dishonesty, is on her, not me... and not any other wayward/former wayward here.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

dignityhonorpride said:


> oneMOreguy said:
> 
> 
> > And dad of 2.....my fondness for my young friend started when I was overusing adderall. I think it made it easier for my brain to rewire itself.... and not in a good way. Hope this convinces folks that a ws can try to be honest and direct.
> ...


...I truly appreciate your concerns...and it was never my intention to blame adhd drugs for my behaviors....but they were definitely a contributing influence for how quickly and deeply feelings imprinted into my feeble brain. Without going into all of the facts of my situation lets just say wife and kids are just fine. Kids both graduated from college and have great jobs and SOs. Wife and I are both retired now and spend our days doing things together. I get together with my young friend for a 30 minute lunch every week or so. I am 60 and she is 31 btw. she is quite busy with one year old twins and another due in march...plus a 13 year old. It is more of a mentor situation with strong feelings at this point. We will certainly stay at this level....both of us agree with this. But both of our spouses would never be OK with us meeting by ourselves. I should probably start a thread to help me figure out why we cant just walk away from each other at this point. We obviously have some unmet needs in our marriages...


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Interesting onemoreguy...You are 60 and she is 31. You need to mentor a group of young people or children and stop the foolishness. She is 31, she needs to go into therapy to address her daddy issues or sugar-daddy issues. Sorry, I am calling it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life*



Calibre1212 said:


> Interesting onemoreguy...You are 60 and she is 31. You need to mentor a group of young people or children and stop the foolishness. She is 31, she needs to go into therapy to address her daddy issues or sugar-daddy issues. Sorry, I am calling it.


While I agree he needs to walk away from this, your words regarding her age vs his age were uncalled for. There are some who can legitimately make it work. This is not the case here, but I do know a couple who has been married for almost 10 years... she is 61 and he is 37. People gave the same arguments you might expect, but they are good together. At any rate, they need to part ways. I disagree that she needs therapy because she us attracted to an older man.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

I am actually ok with any and all comments that are well intentioned. I have been a tam member for several years.....using thoughts expressed here to figure myself out a bit. I kinda doubt that anything said to me is something that I haven't already tried in some sense to apply to my situation. Our attraction is mostly mental and emotional so age and looks don't matter much if at all. Daddy issues??.... don't think so. ... he is 8 years older than me and a really good guy and active in her life. Money. ....I have helped her out of several big tight spots but she has never asked and I would never have known without serious prying. I more think it is she is accustomed to being used for sex and what she can do for others and I focus on who she is inside as a person. As for what I get out of it??....well I suppose the same as the other knights in shining armor out there...I think that is the best starting point for figuring myself out. I think part of the problem is also that I have a couple of engineering degrees and probably believe I can use logic to figure my mess out. 

But it is late and it is tough using a phone to do this. So I will ponder all of this a bit more.....and.....Go Royals!!!!.....yea...I'm a kc guy.....explains the MO part of my user name.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Joker,

Maricha is right. That one word is too judgmental, too enveloping and inclusive.

TAM doesn't have enough waywards because they cannot stand being punching bags for someone else's sins.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Joker,
> 
> Maricha is right. That one word is too judgmental, too enveloping and inclusive.
> 
> TAM doesn't have enough waywards because they cannot stand being punching bags for someone else's sins.


Fair enough, my comment to be clear was simply a sentence use only and my feeling about infidelity is not aimed at women either nor do I believe one gender is superior to the other when it comes to this topic. If you or Maricha feel my word is due to insensitivity or oversight then I offer my apologies.

However I, like may others, were punished, relentlessly for their *pleasure and their sins. Endless words were said, without my or feelings considered. I am understanding to your point, but fresh of off a long term marriage failure of an uncanny nature and struggle for nearly a year, a choice I made so no one needs to remind me, please excuse me If I am a little raw and biased.*


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> While I agree he needs to walk away from this, your words regarding her age vs his age were uncalled for. There are some who can legitimately make it work. This is not the case here, but I do know a couple who has been married for almost 10 years... she is 61 and he is 37. People gave the same arguments you might expect, but they are good together. At any rate, they need to part ways. I disagree that she needs therapy because she us attracted to an older man.


The man is married. The woman is married...I don't give a darn about their ages according to your philosophy. She's married to someone who is 68 years old....Hello! Daddy issues ringing through like crazy. 

You know, you seem to know a lot of cheating success stories to justify "something", somehow, someway...Jeez, give me a break. Sure it works, she's gonna need someone to change out the oxygen tank. 

@OMG - Don't tell me, let me guess: Ex-prostitute to support a drug problem she is in recovery from...She *had* to be a prostitute to support her drug habit...Was sexually abused as a child....Right? I could go on and on. You cannot solve her problems, you are NOT a hero. Here's a little secret about addicts: Highly manipulative, they have the ability to appeal to your emotions beyond belief, so that they program you into saying "yes" or volunteer you into action without ever asking you to. You are out of your league. Better leave her to a professional and if you care for her that much, pay for it. It was $40Gs private pay (20 years ago) - 1 year residential treatment which it sounds already like that's the remedy.

How's about you pump some of that time, energy and attention into your wife and grandchildren? Since you have so much time to waste, how's about making sure no one is abusing them? How's about you deliver some of your time to your children? Make sure that when you pass away, they have "fond" memories of you. The dash between the birth & death date? - That's what's gonna count. We all ain't getting any younger. How's about you leave something for the damsel-in-distress in your will and call it a day since you claim you don't wanna touch it? Make sure this little hero fiasco doesn't make it into your eulogy. 

@Joker, please don't apologize for expressing yourself. You have free will.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You know, Calibre, maybe you should take the advice you gave to OMG: leave it to the professionals to help her. Let THEM decide if she has daddy issues or not, rather than guessing for yourself.

No, Calibre, I don't know "a lot of cheating success stories". Don't put words in my mouth. I know some. Just as I know some that didn't. And I know some who reconciled after cheating as well as some who did not. And where do you get that I am _justifying_ anything? By stating that I do know _some_ who don't fit the little box so many want to keep these things in? Because I will tell some, honestly, that sometimes it DOES work out for the APs? God forbid I tell them straight up rather than blow smoke up their a$$es. I won't apologize for telling the truth. Nor will I accept being treated like the lowest lifeform because of someone's else's actions, nor will I apologize for it. As you said to Joker, I have free will and can express myself as well. And I will not placate anyone by telling them what they want to hear. They will get the truth. However, I suspect that won't matter much because some will see it only as the words of a former wayward, thus meaningless (or likely untruth).


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> I am actually ok with any and all comments that are well intentioned. I have been a tam member for several years.....using thoughts expressed here to figure myself out a bit. I kinda doubt that anything said to me is something that I haven't already tried in some sense to apply to my situation. Our attraction is mostly mental and emotional so age and looks don't matter much if at all. Daddy issues??.... don't think so. ... he is 8 years older than me and a really good guy and active in her life. Money. ....I have helped her out of several big tight spots but she has never asked and I would never have known without serious prying. I more think it is she is accustomed to being used for sex and what she can do for others and I focus on who she is inside as a person. As for what I get out of it??....well I suppose the same as the other knights in shining armor out there...I think that is the best starting point for figuring myself out. I think part of the problem is also that I have a couple of engineering degrees and probably believe I can use logic to figure my mess out.
> 
> But it is late and it is tough using a phone to do this. So I will ponder all of this a bit more.....and.....Go Royals!!!!.....yea...I'm a kc guy.....explains the MO part of my user name.


Have you considered that there isn't anything missing in your respective marriages, but rather within each of you? Have you read Dr. Glass' Not Just Friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I know it's difficult not to take personally but I think it may be helpful to look at the poster's join date. Though not always, that may reflect how long ago their D-Day was, thus the vitriol behind their posts.

Hurting people hurt people. I found for me (and recognize in others whom I respect on this board) that the further along I was in my own healing, the less likely I was to project and sling rocks at people who were not my spouse. 

For those that have been here a long time and still spew the same level of venom, well I feel for them. Not really because they were betrayed but because they haven't moved forward. I will always empathize with infidelity pain but I can't relate to those that choose to remain stuck. Trauma is traumatic...recent trauma even more so. So being shell-shocked for a while is normal. Still, there comes a time where you choose to see yourself either as a perpetual victim or a _survivor_.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> And people wonder WHY waywards don't want to post here. No, it isn't because we can't give honest answers. It's because, no matter what we say, it gets twisted and turned back on us. And, once again, we are the most evil f*cking people on the face of the earth. Why? Because we gave you the answers you asked for and you didn't like them. Get a life, Joker.


Maricha75,
What IIJokerII said is somewhat true. He might have said it with sarcasm, but all I know is that I have tried for over 25 yrs. to get the truth from my cheating spouse and all I can get is lies. I got lies at the very beginning 25 yrs. ago and actually met with the other woman (I can't say what I want to call her) to try and get answers. But I think her answer's were to protect him, even though they had supposedly broke up a yr. earlier. According to her husband the affair was still going on. I still don't know if it was to this day. 

So now over 20 yrs. later it's all come back to me and I've asked him questions that I didn't even ask him back then as I was in to much shock. Now all I get it, "I can't remember what happened, what we did together, I never stopped loving you (Bull) which I'll never believe. So, no I know I'll never get the total truth as he knows if it's worse than what he told me, he's out the door. Which is what I should have done 25 yrs. ago when I found out he actually slept with her during there 3 yr. affair, on two weekends. The Polygraph shows there was no sex, but I'll never know if there wasn't due to his lack of being able to perform. I so wish the tester had asked him that question, he was suppose to.

So, I guess in my opinion, probably 50% of cheaters won't tell the total truth due to what could happen to there marriage. I know that's the reason my CH lied to me and is probably still lying. The whole thing is so sad. I'm not slamming the cheater's that are on this site, I commend them for coming on here. Maybe we can understand why they do what they do if the BS thinks they had a loving marriage and why would they not think of the consequences of what they are doing. Mine sure didn't. He thought he could cover it up, he was excited when she came on to him and he pursued it. Then he didn't want to give it up. No regard to hurting me, our children, nor loosing his job. He did say that he could compartmentalize it. That is something I'll never understand.

All I know is he messed up the special love, respect and admiration that I held for him. Things have never been the same and now things are worse than ever. I'm 70 yrs. old and have to make a decision to stay or go and if I go, it will affect the whole family unit.

Granny7


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Wow, amazingly I thought that this thread would be different from the other "let's try to get other way wards to post and try to seem understanding to them, only to throw them under the bus" threads. I never cheated nor have I been cheated on (as far as I know). I read these threads just to get some understanding about relationships and how they affect us.

To the OP, I hope you find the peace that you long for after being devastated by the affair. However, that peace will not come from trying to find the answers you are looking for from other waywards, you need to find that within yourself. Because if the waywards who post don't give you the answers or the validation you seek to alleviate your pain you will lash out as you are doing now. And they will leave.

And this will become another bs vs. Ws fight thread with a bunch of people getting banned.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

techmom said:


> Wow, amazingly I thought that this thread would be different from the other "let's try to get other way wards to post and try to seem understanding to them, only to throw them under the bus" threads. I never cheated nor have I been cheated on (as far as I know). I read these threads just to get some understanding about relationships and how they affect us.
> 
> To the OP, I hope you find the peace that you long for after being devastated by the affair. However, that peace will not come from trying to find the answers you are looking for from other waywards, you need to find that within yourself. Because if the waywards who post don't give you the answers or the validation you seek to alleviate your pain you will lash out as you are doing now. And they will leave.
> 
> And this will become another bs vs. Ws fight thread with a bunch of people getting banned.


techmom,
I wasn't trying to bash anyone on here. If it came across that way, I'm sorry. I just came across this post and added my thoughts to getting the truth from a CS. Most of my post had to do with my CH and what I have read on here for the past 2 yrs. 

As I said, I sure don't want anyone to leave this great site due to what someone says, especially myself. I've learned more here than all the therapists I've been to. 

I hope I clarified my post to you, if it was directed to me.

Granny7


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Miss Taken said:


> I will always empathize with infidelity pain but I can't relate to those that choose to remain stuck. Trauma is traumatic...recent trauma even more so. *So being shell-shocked for a while is normal. Still, there comes a time where you choose to see yourself either as a perpetual victim or a *_survivor_.


Very true.

However... While not the sharp dagger in the months after DD, I really believe there's a Hurt that remains, maybe buried, but still there years later. 

Moving On... get busy living or get busy dying. Yep, it took me years to accept this. It was my own responsibility. I still remember my IC telling me... You kind of enjoy wrapping up in the "Warm Fuzzy Blanket of Pain?"


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

I wanted to wait a bit before I rejoined and continued this conversation further and here is what I came away with so far.

What is the title of this Forum; Coping With Infidelity. We all know what infidelity is but do we truly acknowledge what coping is. Coping is dealing with a permanent situation or affect that will be prevalent until the individual adapts to adjust until the coping graduates into tolerance. I believe many BS's forget that wayward's too are coping as well. Some may have reflected back on their actions and regret what they have done, or where they are as their choices did not pan out quite so fortunately. For whatever reason or another the same end result led us all here, a forum on marital infidelity and we can all agree that no matter the reason the finish line of that action yields the same result.

I was chided for using the word "Any" and to a point I can understand that it rubbed some people the wrong way. But why, is it cause some people were looking for a reason to become automatically defensive for a reason to take e preemptive to their whereabouts and/or actions at the time. whether past or present, during their adultery? Maybe or maybe not? Either way my comment was at the time how I felt my statement should have been delivered. I have, like many others, seen people time and again that have or have not reconciled still deny or omit what really happened and not for the sake of sparing themselves the reflection of their actions vs hurting their partner and the great lengths to hide the past is telling.

Maricha, as you can see I did have a question related to your story and if I may I'd like to point out some things maybe that don't get much thought from MOST, but not all, waywards. You say you were at baseball games for your child(ren), cool. Who won the game, who did they play, did your child have an impact, how did he/she feel afterwords? They came home from school and watched TV and played games, yes? Did you encourage them to do so more so it would allow you to have your free time? Did you participate in these activities with them? Were their any school projects or special events, to them anyway, that they brought to your attention. I ask these not to provoke you or criticize but to illustrate that you attached your memory to the past with mundane and routine (TV and VIdeo games) activities that happen everyday, the reality of the affair fog may have obstructed your view or perception of what was happening at the time, so the honesty quip is not a shot but you may just have been ignorant to what was actually happening due to your at the time need to facilitate your online affair. 

I have also heard, and agree, that the current or former waywards do not like to engage or talk about any topic that will invite derogatory comments or to themselves or their feelings, statements, what have you. I can understand this as should we all. What I would like to do though is put this into another view. Lets say a person who got into a very catastrophic car accident was asked, but not forced, to go a meeting place to discuss what happened, whether this individual was unscathed in the indecent is irrelevant, but what matters is that the reason and responsibility of the car accident is solely on them. Now they enter this meeting room and in there are victims, mostly unrelated to the driver, but have similar if not identical history and experiences due to this type of erratic behavior. 

Sure he did nothing to them, but they all know he did something and they all know the pain and permanent suffering it has caused. No reason for the crash is acceptable or justifiable, it happened. Now this man who wished to cope with his past actions is the enemy, his niceties dismissed or his antagonistic approach amplified, nevertheless he is in a room full of victims, all from the very same nature of the crash, a end result that could have, and should have, been avoided. Although it will take time the people he meets will come to not only accept him after a while (Like the TAMer's who have hundreds upon thousands of posts) he will also know the cycle will repeat with the new victims who come to the meeting room ( Like myself and others with fewer than 1000 posts). In any event I commend anyone who is willing to at least try, as you and others have.

My comment was an honest one and as detailed above you can see and maybe understand why I said what I said. I didn't apologize at what I said but was sorry if you, or others took it personally as it was not aimed at anyone in particular. But that is just it isn't it, we all say we crave honesty but do we really? The answer to that is no, we don't. How many men do you think would say thank you dear if their wives or GF's said they were lacking or sucked in bed, most would get angry or feel emasculated by this truth or more accurately opinion. How many women do you think would say "your right dear, my butt does look big/fat in this outfit, I'll go change, or diet etc, thank you". WE crave honesty so long as it is on our terms of acceptance and had we, me, you, anyone, everyone who has been to a forum or similar discussion floor practiced and accepted honesty for what it is, the truth, it is quite possible that these forums wouldn't even exist in the first place.

I am also raw cause my bride is still living here, lying to me, silently MFing me to the world and herself, and the sum of all my marital failures as a husband still benefits from me not only angers me but hurts as well. Today she got all up and done pretty for a coffee date with a friend, a female one. Is this true, is she meeting another guy, is she simply going to bash me to no end unjustly to a friend already biased towards her since they are friends, is it to get time to call her EA California partner, was or is there another guy the whole time or is she solidifying her new branch so she is secure when the old one, also known as me, finally breaks. So again, nothing personal about using any, but it was what I wanted to say.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Wow...I hadn't realized that this thread had taken off and that I was part of the reason......plus I didn't immediately get that I was omg.....lol. joker..... you expressed yourself well. And I am certainly not offended or chased off by anyone's posts or beliefs. I do not delude myself about our age difference. And believe it or not we have never kissed much less had sex. Just tight but kind hugs. No drugs or booze for my young friend....and no prostitution. She was however broken and hurt young re sex by older boyfriends and a young marriage that became very open to the point of her and hubby hunting down guys for her. Current husband is one of those guys so I really won't ever care much for him. Each of us walk away from each other every so often but we manage to reconnect like moths to a flame. I have assured her that since she married this jerk (booze and money mismanagement) financial support is his job not mine. I think we both just really feel comfortable around each other and somewhat destress each other. No grandkids yet but hopefully soon. And for those who raise eyebrows at an "old" 60 year old guy with a younger gal....well I can outlift and outfight etc most guys in their 20s and I still drive a hotrod with almost 1000hp.....I really do strive to stay youngish....after all...60 is the new 40 right??? (Grinning a bit). On a more serious note....I truly believe ws could provide useful thoughts at many times...but I also believe these honest thoughts could be terribly painful to bs....truth and honesty can be like that at times. Thats why I think many bs are wary of ws comments....denial can shield from many sources of pain. This is tough stuff after all. But thanks from me to all who posted their thoughts so far. You are good people dealing with cruddy stuff.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: To fWSs & WSs: Affair "Fog" and the Reality of Family Life*



IIJokerII said:


> Maricha, as you can see I did have a question related to your story and if I may I'd like to point out some things maybe that don't get much thought from MOST, but not all, waywards. You say you were at baseball games for your child(ren), cool. Who won the game, who did they play, did your child have an impact, how did he/she feel afterwords? They came home from school and watched TV and played games, yes? Did you encourage them to do so more so it would allow you to have your free time? Did you participate in these activities with them? Were their any school projects or special events, to them anyway, that they brought to your attention. I ask these not to provoke you or criticize but to illustrate that you attached your memory to the past with mundane and routine (TV and VIdeo games) activities that happen everyday, the reality of the affair fog may have obstructed your view or perception of what was happening at the time, so the honesty quip is not a shot but you may just have been ignorant to what was actually happening due to your at the time need to facilitate your online affair.


Ok, let's see...
I remember the three ballparks the teams played at. I do not remember each team they played, nor the dates they played them. This was three years ago and even he doesn't remember each team, nor when they played. I do remember that he was always in outfield. Tbh, I don't know the position because I know next to nothing about baseball. I went to support my son in something he was interested in. Any practices, he went with his best friend (at the time) and the boy's father or mother. We had no vehicle. Still don't. The medications my husband was on made him zombie like, so I couldn't leave the other two home with him while going to the practices. There was no room in their vehicle for all the kids, so they just took the oldest to practice with their son.

My son is not athletic. He never has been. As far as his impact... I believe he was place in outfield on purpose: because he could not catch nor throw. Who won the games? I can't remember. I know they won at least two, but lost most of them. Regardless of who won, he was excited about the games.

When they came home from school, they did their homework before anything else. Encourage them to play? Of course! They're kids! TV and video games were allowed, but not necessarily encouraged. Still that way, for the most part. Sometimes, I was outside as well, talking to the neighbor down the street, while the kids played with her kids. But, over all, yes, I did encourage them to play. 

Special events consisted of Christmas concert, Parent-Teacher conferences, and the usual holidays that kids get excited about. Anniversary that year, my husband bought a rosebush... that almost died because I'm a horrible gardener.  Before anyone calls me on that detail, I had to THINK about what year he bought it. I have a hard time remembering things from last week. My oldest made a diorama and I helped him with that. Another thing I had to think about. My time line remembrance isn't the greatest. I did have to ask my son if it was when he was in 3rd grade (that year) or a different year/grade. 

As far as my focus on the mundane is concerned, it wasn't because of the affair fog. If you were to ask me what I did three weeks ago, you would get the same reply... and there is no affair fog going on now. I have no car. I go nowhere unless someone gives me a ride. My life consists of home, school (for the kids and things related to them), grocery shopping, and church (occasionally). I really don't go anywhere or do anything spectacular. There has been more going on since March of this year than the last 3 years. 

Anyway, I hope that answers your questions. Oh, and so you have an idea on my kids ages and mine, both at the time of the EA and now... I am 39, husband is 33. Oldest is 13, middle child is 8, youngest is 6. Yes, he was home all day that year, with my husband and me.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, let's see...
> I remember the three ballparks the teams played at. I do not remember each team they played, nor the dates they played them. This was three years ago and even he doesn't remember each team, nor when they played. I do remember that he was always in outfield. Tbh, I don't know the position because I know next to nothing about baseball. I went to support my son in something he was interested in. Any practices, he went with his best friend (at the time) and the boy's father or mother. We had no vehicle. Still don't. The medications my husband was on made him zombie like, so I couldn't leave the other two home with him while going to the practices. There was no room in their vehicle for all the kids, so they just took the oldest to practice with their son.
> 
> My son is not athletic. He never has been. As far as his impact... I believe he was place in outfield on purpose: because he could not catch nor throw. Who won the games? I can't remember. I know they won at least two, but lost most of them. Regardless of who won, he was excited about the games.
> ...


I appreciate you taking the time to include detail and your feelings in the matter. I have a better understanding for your situation and can relate to the care giver burnout and repetitious nature of parenthood as well, it can after a while suck, especially when your other half does not or simply cannot assist the way you need or expect.

I also do look forward to other conversational path's we may both take interest in, and I encourage and expect that you and I can at the very least appreciate our honesty when making statements.

Now, where's that Donkey, I got a race to win!!!


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