# She wants to go find herself...



## f1fan (Sep 7, 2010)

Hello everyone, I'm new here but I'm sure it's common for many to arrive first post second. I'm in my late 20's and my wife of 9 months is in her early 20's. It'll be 5 years together in a couple weeks. About 2 weeks ago she revealed her relationship with another man that lasted between a 2 week trip to Central America. I allowed her to go out with friends and experience the life of a 20 something. Sure I had the concern she may get drunk and make a huge mistake, but I didn't want to be her parent. I did those things then found her, I should atleast give her a chance to live a little. Well, the worst happened and it blew me away.

Before the truth came out we faught about our lack of communication and the obvious growing pains of a new marriage. She tried to put it all on me and I accepted it, then tried to change to be a better husband. When the REAL truth came out she turned it into her lack of having time to grow up and find herself. Now, although she wants to try to make it work with counseling, it's apperant that she's laying the groundwork for getting out. I don't want that! I married her for life and believed the same from her. 

Now it's nights of fighting or avoiding the fight. I tried to be intimate but she tells me she's broken. She can't see a future with us but I refuse to believe that. A couple years ago we were CRAZY for each other, now her priorities are going out to party with friends. I know deep down she's hurting cause life just punched her in the face. She just finished college, just got married, just moved in. She's always been ambitious but I see this fear in her eyes which is leading her to run away.

What do I do? How can I bring her back to me? How can I explain that she has everything she needs right here? How can I explain without sounding superior, that years of bars and drinking leaves you empty? How can I get my beautiful wife back? How do I fix a broken woman? Thanks


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The more you chase her, the faster she will run. Just be the you she fell in love in. I would tell her that you love her. And that you're filing for divorce. Cut her off financially. letting her "find herself" is better described as "cake eating" She needs to have the shock of not having you there for emotional/financial support. Remember she has lost respect for you. Love cannot live without respect. So respect yourself. Just keep in contact with her. And let her find out what she has lost. It may turn her around. Also be sure to out her to both your family and friends, before she turns everything around on you. She needs to feel their shame in her too. Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She may be seeing someone, and that can be big wall in the marriage. so quitly investigate the possibility 
Its hard to repair a marriage if a spouse is in the fog. What may be happening is she may be consoling with someone else. It starts with we are just friends and she may be talking about her proplems to some one else- WHEN SHE SHOULD BE TALKING WITH YOU

One of our biggest mistakes some 19 yrs ago was letting my then young wife explore her twenties with out me there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's not ready to be married. If she can't manage to stay faithful for even 9 months, she just has no business in a marriage. I think she's already discovered who she is. Luckily, you did as well before you invested more of your life with her.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

No kids? That's an easy one. Get out. You're still young. You can start over.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

Let me draw a comparison for you.... My first marriage sounds a lot like yours. I was 22, my husband was 34. Big age difference. We were married for 3 years, that's all. It was short. It was short for a very obvious reason. With our age differences we were in different places in our lives. I was 22 and wanted to go out party, live it up, have a good time. I respected my husband and chose not to do that, but at some point young people want to live it up. My husband didn't do any house work, at all. I had to do it all, work outside the home and then we never went out, not even to dinner. I remember wanting to go to a carnival one day, something seriously simple and he refused to go AND wouldn't let me go. So, eventually it destroyed our marriage. I left and divorced my husband for the very reason your wife is giving you, I wanted to find myself. I felt so incredibly smothered that I couldn't think of anything else to do. And yes I had guys who wanted to go out with me, even if I was married. 

This is my suggestion, either let her go (as in divorce) or go out with her and live it up WITH HER. She is probably feeling disconnected from you big time and that is affecting her a LOT. You have to connect with her if you want to stay with her. Which means that while you may have already been there and done that, you should do it again for her and with her.

Oh and I ended up having no respect for my ex-husband. He had an offer for a job back in 94 that would have paid him 80k a year. He didn't want to take it because he didn't think it was a secure job and he had to "take care of me". I wasn't his freaking kid, I was his wife and while I pushed him to take the job over and over again, he didn't take it until AFTER we were divorced. I lost all respect for him during our marriage because of that. My point is this, you need to make sure you are treating her like your wife, not like a kid. She is your equal.


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## f1fan (Sep 7, 2010)

Ummm thanks for your comments but WOW, does anybody think this marriage can still become something longlasting and wonderful. It's easy to say "walk away" but I've put in 5 years of my life. This woman is the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't imagine finding another as beautiful, smart, funny, sexy as her (sure I could put honest and caring just so you can come back at me with the cheating). Is this a breakup site or a marriage site? I was looking for support and encouragement, am I being foolish?


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

f1fan said:


> Ummm thanks for your comments but WOW, does anybody think this marriage can still become something longlasting and wonderful. It's easy to say "walk away" but I've put in 5 years of my life. This woman is the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't imagine finding another as beautiful, smart, funny, sexy as her (sure I could put honest and caring just so you can come back at me with the cheating). Is this a breakup site or a marriage site? I was looking for support and encouragement, am I being foolish?


You have to decide what you want, then stick with it. It sounds as if you want to work it out. It's definitely possible. The main thing is this: you obviously need to find more things you both enjoy doing together. Sometimes, that may mean you do things she wants that you don't enjoy as much, but once you get used to it, you end up enjoying the time around your spouse. I'd recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. Sit and read it together if possible and discuss it.


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## Freshaire0 (Sep 3, 2016)

I'm going through almost the same thing as the gent in the original post. It's been a year now. I won't lie, last year was extremely tough on me because I almost lost my job I was also in school with 3 classes left for my BS. My boss was out to get me because I called her bluff on an ethical issue so the stress was killing me plus we had just bought a new house and she was just depressed. I was hard on her. I needed her support and she just wasn't there. She'd come home from work mad and I'd comfort her but when I needed the comfort she just wasn't available. She was having a hard time at work but I'd also be there for her and listen. Suddenly she started staying at work late. She blamed it on not wanting to be around our friend. We had a friend living with us as well that added extra stress. The friend was zero help. A Moocher. So I found a new job and took the week off to spend time with her. We were supposed to go to a carnival on the Thursday. Thursday came and it was raining so as I remember the conversation she said we'll just go with her coworkers who were going Saturday. So Friday night comes and I ask what the plan was for tomorrow and she goes what do you mean? So I reiterated the conversation and she tells me in a nasty tone that it was just her going with her coworkers not me. So it started there. Things started getting rocky because that whole event really hurt. She didn't even try to make it up to me. She apologized but her apology was more like I'm sorry you're a stupid idiot for not understanding... Not a sorry because we miscommunicated, let's work on that (which I told her that's how I felt but apparently that's my fault for feeling that way). 

A couple weeks later, it was her birthday. Her brother was also dealing with a major heart issue which I had made sure I was there for the family and my wife the entire time. She said she wanted hulk things and a car detail. I didn't get her the detail but I got her this expensive hulk cake. She said she'd be home around 7 but didn't end up pulling in until about 10. I was extremely upset but never showed it because it was her day. It felt like what I did was not good enough. Ok fine. I failed. I wanted to throw her a surprise party (thankfully I didn't) but wasn't sure because of the sensitivity of her brother. Come to find out the day I would have planned it he ended up going to the er and almost died. I had tried to communicate that I was unhappy. That I felt I wasn't good enough. The carnival thing really bothered me. It turned into a fight and she ended up admitting that she was staying late at work because she didn't want to come home and deal with me. Ok... That sucks. So for a good week I was just like whatever don't bother talking to me because you want to be a child and not deal with the stress of anything. She doesn't cook, she doesn't do the outside work, if things break I was expected to fix it. She did laundry. That was it. I was thankful she did, font get me wrong but she wouldn't clean because she felt she was picking up after me all the time. Ok I stopped leaving messes around the house... Nothing changed. I had tried to get us to all hang out with her friends and she'd make crappy comments about why? So I'd ask what that meant... It was like she was embarrassed to have me around because we were going through a tough time. So what? It happens to everyone. She didn't want to believe that. She things normal couples don't go through what we were going through. A rough patch. 

A week later or so I had planned a nice dinner I asked her if she could be home by 7. She said she would try but she had this outting with coworkers I said ok. 8 comes around I call her, no answer. Now I'm worried. I called her mom I asked if she had heard from her. She said no. Like maybe something happened. So 9 I call her again she picks up. She asks if I'm mad. I said no I'm not I'm disappointed that she said she'd try to be home by 7. Then she starts giving me an attitude about how she told me what she was doing etc... And hoe she got dragged into being the driver. I was like wow ok... So your friends come first now. Ok got it. Once I said that she started screaming at me on the phone with her friends/coworkers in the car. 

Much like the original post. I had pushed her to go out and enjoy life and make friends. Boy was that a mistake. I just wanted to see her happy and this straight married girl at her work seemed to have been cheering her up so I was encouraging the friendship. Stupid me. 

She got home and she said something and I just snapped. I ended up throwing all of the things we had collected together and smashing everything and kept yelling that this is how I feel like I am worth nothing. She try to defend herself and I'd smash more things. I finally stopped and she said we needed to separate. Fine. Get the hell out of the house then. So she did. I cut her off of everything and she freaked out. She was acting like a 5 year old. I told her. No, we work things out or we don't. It's all or nothing with me. She never wanted to do marriage therapy before like years ago but suddenly now she did. She told me I needed to find the person (of course cos why would she do anything). I never did. Things started to improve. So I said ok never mind. Now she holds that against me ("I told you then I would have gone now you lost your chance"). 

I asked her why she left, why she stopped propritizing us. What was so wrong with me that she felt I wasn't good enough. She wrote this two page list. Some of it was valid but most of it was childish and pretty much attacked me as a person but yeah the ones I knew I could work on I have and I did but not for her. For myself. But the majority of it was a big excuse to leave. 

We ended up selling the house. I have been in therapy since. She said she wanted to file for divorce in December then changed her mind but won't hang out or anything. I ask her to hang out and she tries to find a way to make me feel stupid about it. So then I get all depressed and threaten to file divorce. It's weekly. I can't stick to it. She changed into this monster. She's mean. She doesn't give a crap about me and she doesn't want to try. She's still "trying to find herself" before she left I contacted her friend I said "I think my wife is having an emotional affair with you" my wife found out. The girl blocked me. Oh well. 

So a year later... House sold... She wears a claddagh ring on her right hand turned in (signifies her heart is taken) she claims it's for me. She tries to talk to me about random things but that's the thing I don't want to be strung along. Sometimes she lies about things, like if I ask what she did that weekend.. Then I find out that's not at all what she did it hurts. I tellask why she lied and I grt some one sentence explaainantioj about how she couldn't tell me. Ok by why? It's not like I'm flipping out at her. I could see if I was flipping out but I'm not. I just want to know why. I don't flip out at her at all anymore unless she lies. The lies kill me. 


I want her back. I know the post above said to stop reaching and I did stop reaching but I also want to communicate and be on thr same page. Everything is "I don't know" with her. What the hell is there not to know? My friends keep saying to just move on that it's her loss. Which it is. I took care of her, more than I should have. I learned that lesson. But I still care about her. The old her. The kind her. Not this mean spirited person. The last time I tried to ask her to hang out she told me not to come by the house and that I was creepy. I sounded creepy. I could see her saying that if we were talking but we had started communicating again and I thought it was a good time to just squeeze it in... I guess not. So now I'm back to what the hell do I do. Do I file or do I cut all communication and wait for her to come back? 

By the way she has never apologized about anything. She'll apologize as a whole but nothing specific. I'll ask her what she's apologizing for and shell just say you know... No I really don't know... And then the subject gets changed. Anything that she knows that has hurt me (unkind words for example like calling me creepy) it's like she's not wrong. She won't apologize for anything and just blames me. 

Im thinking she's hiding something or I'm really that threatening to her. I don't think I am that bad to talk to. People love me and tell me I'm easy to talk to someone I don't get it. I don't know what the heck to do. I'm wondering what happened to the original poster. Haha. I have much more confidence now than a year ago but I am a woman of her word. We married. It's hard for me to break this and divorce.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

It can change but she has to change and you can't make people change. So until that day you have to either deal with the mess or prepare for singleness. Maybe you have to lose her to get her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Uh, I hate to tell you but this thread is um 6 years old. :surprise:

ZOMBIE LAND


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Get GPS on her phone. Easy peasy.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Freshaire0 said:


> I'm going through almost the same thing as the gent in the original post. It's been a year now. I won't lie, last year was extremely tough on me because I almost lost my job I was also in school with 3 classes left for my BS. My boss was out to get me because I called her bluff on an ethical issue so the stress was killing me plus we had just bought a new house and she was just depressed. I was hard on her. I needed her support and she just wasn't there. She'd come home from work mad and I'd comfort her but when I needed the comfort she just wasn't available. She was having a hard time at work but I'd also be there for her and listen. Suddenly she started staying at work late. She blamed it on not wanting to be around our friend. We had a friend living with us as well that added extra stress. The friend was zero help. A Moocher. So I found a new job and took the week off to spend time with her. We were supposed to go to a carnival on the Thursday. Thursday came and it was raining so as I remember the conversation she said we'll just go with her coworkers who were going Saturday. So Friday night comes and I ask what the plan was for tomorrow and she goes what do you mean? So I reiterated the conversation and she tells me in a nasty tone that it was just her going with her coworkers not me. So it started there. Things started getting rocky because that whole event really hurt. She didn't even try to make it up to me. She apologized but her apology was more like I'm sorry you're a stupid idiot for not understanding... Not a sorry because we miscommunicated, let's work on that (which I told her that's how I felt but apparently that's my fault for feeling that way).
> 
> A couple weeks later, it was her birthday. Her brother was also dealing with a major heart issue which I had made sure I was there for the family and my wife the entire time. She said she wanted hulk things and a car detail. I didn't get her the detail but I got her this expensive hulk cake. She said she'd be home around 7 but didn't end up pulling in until about 10. I was extremely upset but never showed it because it was her day. It felt like what I did was not good enough. Ok fine. I failed. I wanted to throw her a surprise party (thankfully I didn't) but wasn't sure because of the sensitivity of her brother. Come to find out the day I would have planned it he ended up going to the er and almost died. I had tried to communicate that I was unhappy. That I felt I wasn't good enough. The carnival thing really bothered me. It turned into a fight and she ended up admitting that she was staying late at work because she didn't want to come home and deal with me. Ok... That sucks. So for a good week I was just like whatever don't bother talking to me because you want to be a child and not deal with the stress of anything. She doesn't cook, she doesn't do the outside work, if things break I was expected to fix it. She did laundry. That was it. I was thankful she did, font get me wrong but she wouldn't clean because she felt she was picking up after me all the time. Ok I stopped leaving messes around the house... Nothing changed. I had tried to get us to all hang out with her friends and she'd make crappy comments about why? So I'd ask what that meant... It was like she was embarrassed to have me around because we were going through a tough time. So what? It happens to everyone. She didn't want to believe that. She things normal couples don't go through what we were going through. A rough patch.
> 
> ...


That was painful to read. You are a doormat. So is it a homosexual relationship? Wondering if "I am a woman of her word" was a typo.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

f1fan said:


> This woman is the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't imagine finding another as beautiful, smart, funny, sexy as her (sure I could put honest and caring just so you can come back at me with the cheating). Is this a breakup site or a marriage site? I was looking for support and encouragement, am I being foolish?


This a realist site Dawg. And marriage ain't Burger King. You don't get it your way. Like any marriage, you get what your partner wants you to have. Sometimes your the windshield sometime you're the bug. You don't string together words and phrases that turns a sows ear into a silk purse. 
Think about the reality of your situation my man. As much as you want her to be, can you honestly say she's the best thing that's ever happened to you. 
No matter how beautiful, sexy, funny, and smart you think she is, if she's lost interest in you and the marriage, which is clearly demonstrated by her banging another guy, you're history. Hell Dawg, I think Sofia Vergara is all these things and more and it ain't doing me no good. 
Bottom line is what you think and feel about her don't matter. What makes her want to lie in your bed and spend time with you is how she feels about you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

f1fan said:


> Ummm thanks for your comments but WOW, does anybody think this marriage can still become something longlasting and wonderful. It's easy to say "walk away" but I've put in 5 years of my life. This woman is the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't imagine finding another as beautiful, smart, funny, sexy as her (sure I could put honest and caring just so you can come back at me with the cheating). Is this a breakup site or a marriage site? I was looking for support and encouragement, am I being foolish?


You married for life, she didn't.
You have values, she doesn't.
You want to be married, she doesn't.
You think she's xyz, she isn't. 

Makes no difference how you want her to feel or what you want her to do. Youre getting a divorce whether you want it or not. Move on or stay stuck in depression. Sorry I can't help you. Nobody can. You've got to help yourself on this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Freshaire0 the thread you found is a very old one. The poor, tormented soul who created it is long gone from TAM. 

The best way to achieve the help and assistance that you need is to copy the text of your post and place it in a new post, thus creating your own, unique thread. 

We'll be here for you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Affaircare said:


>




The Evil Dead (1981) - IMDb











Start a thread of your own @Freshaire0 so you can delete it when you are done. We still have that delete option, right @MattMatt?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Stop being a tick. Latching onto this person for life support.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Uh, I hate to tell you but this thread is um 6 years old. :surprise:


C'mon, don't exaggerate. It's only 5.99 years old.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Zombie thread. Closing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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