# My wife getting out of coffee shop to get my calls



## Grob S (4 mo ago)

Hellos everyone, I am a new member and I would like to thank you all in advance for having the time to read my post.

I came here because I am confused after a wild argument with my wife.

We married in 2011 and after 11 years we are still here together after all that we have been through. We had our good times of course but living with her was never easy. And still is not. She always lied about things and hid many stories that included money and debt. She got herself in big trouble with many people behind my back. A few years ago everything came out after she was arrested. I was always confused and the last one to know about things but I kept always trying to understand and to forgive. We have 2 small children and I always try to make it smoother for them and it is the thing that always kept me their and still married to this woman.

Now she has been working on her problem for the last few months and shows some improvement I can say but I have huge trust issues with her. She lied over and over again for the past years which makes it hard to believe a thing she says.

Lately she found a job that she likes and has been working alot. Which is a good thing, and also being able to work and make some money she is solving the dept issues that she has.

This week an argument erupted between us after I was noticing that when I call her in the morning, while having coffee with her colleagues in a coffee shop near her work place , she is not getting the call in front of them. Instead she goes out of the shop in a distant place. This pissed me off even because they are mostly men. I asked her 1000 of questions for which I got many shouts and angry reactions from her. We had issues in the past when a man was involved. She never told me about it until I heard the story from an outsider. It was hard for me to breathe for quite a long time and it was a one hell of a blow to take, but finally I made a decision to forgive and move forward.

Her argument now is that she cannot stay in front of colleagues being treated like a child with me calling her. She says she is afraid of an argument between us if I call and hear her men colleagues in the background. So she goes out in a quite place to talk. Ok I can see the point but coming from a lier who was caught lying on everything in the past including men what else can come up in my mind? I mean I can see that I dont have to check on her which I was not for the first few calls but later yes. I am confused. I know I have trust issues but on the other side I know tha she is capable of lying.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Actually if you kept calling anyone in the morning while they're getting coffee it would piss them off.

1. No one wants to have to be on the phone getting morning coffee. 
2. No one wants to listen to someone getting a phone call while they're getting coffee.
3. Getting asked 1000 questions while getting coffee would really piss anyone off.

In this phone call thing at least anyone would be pissed.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

So , you don't trust your wife...Do some investigating and find out what she's really up to. Place a VAR under the seat of her car, check her social media, get access to her phone and tablet. Look at her texts and emails. Get some answers to your questions. Liars will continue to lie until confronted. 
Best if luck , Jimi


----------



## Grob S (4 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Actually if you kept calling anyone in the morning while they're getting coffee it would piss them off.
> 
> 1. No one wants to have to be on the phone getting morning coffee.
> 2. No one wants to listen to someone getting a phone call while they're getting coffee.
> ...


It is something that we do every day in the morning. She likes calling and she always call. But in that coffe shop things are different. She never call from there. I am not saying that she is up to something but it is very strange and my gut is screaming.


----------



## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Grob S said:


> It is something that we do every day in the morning. She likes calling and she always call. But in that coffe shop things are different. She never call from there. I am not saying that she is up to something but it is very strange and my gut is screaming.


Since you are in a relationship, you DO have a right to call. 

The odd part is her not taking the call in the coffee shop in the presence of other men. You need to find out if there's a particular man in that group that she may have something going with, romantically speaking. That she doesn't like your inquisitive tone is horse sh-t.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Grob S said:


> It is something that we do every day in the morning. She likes calling and she always call. But in that coffe shop things are different. She never call from there. I am not saying that she is up to something but it is very strange and my gut is screaming.


What I'm saying is this sure looks like something that isn't good to do. It's not something you both enjoy and nothing positive results, so why in the world do you think it's good? It's kind of dysfunctional.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

JBLH said:


> Since you are in a relationship, you DO have a right to call.
> 
> The odd part is her not taking the call in the coffee shop in the presence of other men. You need to find out if there's a particular man in that group that she may have something going with, romantically speaking. That she doesn't like your inquisitive tone is horse sh-t.


If you got called every fn workday morning while getting coffee and grilled would you like it?

She's being socially considerate by not staying on the phone in a group but showing good manners stepping away while having a personal conversation so others don't have to sit and listen to someone on the phone waiting for them to finish. How rude if she talked while sitting together.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

OP, I think you're barking up the wrong tree.

Your wife is not trustworthy but you're worried about coffee shop phone call?

Why aren't you worried about why she's there with men in the first place?
A new job with new male co-workers and she's been unfaithful before.
And you're worried about how she takes a phone call?

You both should be in therapy.
Why isn't she in counseling herself to figure out the "lie to my spouse" thing?

If stepping outside to take your call is the worst thing that's happening you should count your lucky stars.
You've got some big problems my friend.
Pick your battles.


----------



## So far so good (7 mo ago)

Grob S said:


> We had issues in the past when a man was involved. She never told me about it until I heard the story from an outsider. It was hard for me to breathe for quite a long time and it was a one hell of a blow to take, but finally I made a decision to forgive and move forward.


So your wife cheated on you and you have trouble trusting her?


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I haven't cheated on my husband, we trust each other, and if we're away from each other out with colleagues or friends, we step away to take calls from each other. I'm not having an intimate chat with my husband sitting at a table in a noisy restaurant or wherever with colleagues, men or women. lol

Your situation has a backstory though, because your wife betrayed your trust in the past, and while you have forgiven, you haven't forgotten...and I get it. You're triggered by her leaving the shop to talk with you, but it could be nothing. Just like how I describe above - maybe she doesn't want to have a private chat with you in front of colleagues in a somewhat noisy coffee shop.

I think you both have some things to sort out, because you lost trust for her over what she did in the past. I'm not sure how far all of that went, but if you never properly reconciled (if she expected you to get over it and move on), then that's why you haven't completely moved on. The fact that you had to hear about what she did from an ''outsider,'' could be too why it has been hard to get past.

Do you think your wife was truly remorseful from all that?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The problem is that you have chosen to remain married to a liar. End of story.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Grob S said:


> It is something that we do every day in the morning. She likes calling and she always call. But in that coffe shop things are different. She never call from there. I am not saying that she is up to something but it is very strange and my gut is screaming.


Can you give more detail about the Issue you had in the past that involved a man? So we can know what level of suspicion on your part is warranted where other men are involved. It sounds like you have plenty of reason to have trust issues. 

If the coffee shop issues was a stand alone issue I would say she is being considerate by getting up and going outside but need more context on the trust issues.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Mr.Married said:



The problem is that you have chosen to remain married to a liar. End of story.

Click to expand...

*Exactly. And here you are with your gut SCREAMING to you yet again.

On one hand, I can't STAND listening to idiots chatting away on their phones in public. It's irritating as Hell when you're standing in line at the register and have nowhere to go or trying to food shop and there's Mr. or Mrs. Self-Entitled spewing their nonsense chatter because they're just SO important that they HAVE to talk to someone right that minute while everyone else has to try to shop around them. I try not to be one of those self-important fools - I lived for YEARS managing not to be on a phone while I shopped or waited in line at the Quickie Mart or sat in a restaurant or bar or cafe, etc. etc. It actually CAN be done, imagine that????

Personally, I think your wife is right to take her nonsense phone call to you outside. Why on earth should she interrupt everyone ELSE'S nice time every morning chatting away to you? It's RUDE. If you actually think she should have her ridiculous conversation with you in front of everyone and force THEM to have to pretend they can't hear you, then you're part of the problem. No one wants to be a part of your daily drama or minutia with your wife. *No one*.

On the other hand, she's a sneaky liar and your gut is screaming to you. Who knows what she's really up to the other 8 hours of the day.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You have a wife that is a compulsive liar and is so shady she’s been arrested. Are actually expecting this person to be faithful and not lie about it? Just ditch her.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

While I understand your concerns about around the phone call, that’s not the main problem at all. 
The main problem is that you seem to be a complete ****ing doormat in your marriage.

You’ve already tolerated far too much betrayal and bad behavior yet here you are. Worrying about suspicious coffee shop phone call behavior. 
The problem is that your wife behaves very badly, doesn’t respect you, has betrayed you and you’ve done nothing about it. And apparently you’re too afraid to leave.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Why is she having coffee in a coffee shop with a group of men? I would take issue with that alone. She’s putting herself in a bad situation that a typical wife would avoid. And I don’t care if it’s “business”. It’s inappropriate.

If one of her many lies in the past was adultery, I would have left a long time ago. You’re a tortured man..I can tell them from your post. And your ex is 100% the cause. If you had a tumor, they remove it or else it would kill you. Same for relationships.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

The only thing right here is her leaving the table to take a call. I never take a call while sitting at a table with other people. It is rude to them.

Everything else is wrong here. You were a bit cryptic, but it sounds like your wife has cheated on you in some way, maybe not physically, but infidelity of some sort. She is hanging out with other men in a social setting. She also is a compulsive liar with debt problems. What is/was she spending money on? She got arrested, for something revolving around this debt I assume. All that and your concern is she gets up from the table to take your call? That is the least of your concerns. Why are you still in this marriage?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

OP, you state that you “know I have trust issues”, when you have no such issues. A trust issue is when your lack of trust is unreasonable. There is nothing unreasonable in not trusting your wife, she is a proven liar and a cheat.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I don't have good news for you.
You need to take two steps back and look at your situation in its entirety.
You are with someone who lies, has (or has had) debt issues, has had legal issues, and has cheated on you.
What part of any of that is good?
You can't expect a poo pile to smell like a rose garden.
Best thing you can do now is pull yourself up and get yourself some legal representation.
You do this not only to rid yourself of this person and her "Issues," but to create some safeguards to protect yourself financially and legally from her further destruction.
It is past time for you to do this. You need to take a deep breath and start vetting attorneys now, and take the appropriate action.


----------



## Reluctant Texan (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Actually if you kept calling anyone in the morning while they're getting coffee it would piss them off.
> 
> 1. No one wants to have to be on the phone getting morning coffee.
> 2. No one wants to listen to someone getting a phone call while they're getting coffee.
> ...


sounds like his real problems have nothing to do with this minor issue...


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Grob S said:


> This week an argument erupted between us after I was noticing that when I call her in the morning, while having coffee with her colleagues in a coffee shop near her work place , she is not getting the call in front of them. Instead she goes out of the shop in a distant place.


Taking a call while at the table/food counter with others is rude. It's also inappropriate to have personal conversations in the presence of business associates. 



Grob S said:


> Ok I can see the point but coming from a lier who was caught lying on everything in the past including men what else can come up in my mind?


You choose to stay with a known chronic liar. You can't trust her and you know it. For the rest of your life or until you leave this woman you will be constantly wondering at every turn what you're being lied to about.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The solution to your problem is cut ties with this woman to the greatest extent possible. Then your next step is to figure out why you would allow someone to treat you like this so you don't make that mistake again.


----------



## So far so good (7 mo ago)

Complaining about how your wife takes your call is like complaining about a soar throat at the hospital while your arm was cutoff and you’re bleeding to death.

Tell us about your wife infidelity and we will tell you how to gain your life back. Don’t worry, there’s nothing you can tell us that we haven’t heard before


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Grob S said:


> It is something that we do every day in the morning. She likes calling and she always call. But in that coffe shop things are different. She never call from there. I am not saying that she is up to something but it is very strange and my gut is screaming.


Because everyone can hear every word she's saying and you're not supposed to be loud in places like that.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Grob S said:


> We had issues in the past when a man was involved. She never told me about it until I heard the story from an outsider. It was hard for me to breathe for quite a long time and it was a one hell of a blow to take, but finally I made a decision to forgive and move forward.


Here let me translate and clarify this for you - "I found out she was cheating with another man but I made the decision to rugsweep it and not deal with it because I did not want to rock the boat."


----------



## Grob S (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I haven't cheated on my husband, we trust each other, and if we're away from each other out with colleagues or friends, we step away to take calls from each other. I'm not having an intimate chat with my husband sitting at a table in a noisy restaurant or wherever with colleagues, men or women. lol
> 
> Your situation has a backstory though, because your wife betrayed your trust in the past, and while you have forgiven, you haven't forgotten...and I get it. You're triggered by her leaving the shop to talk with you, but it could be nothing. Just like how I describe above - maybe she doesn't want to have a private chat with you in front of colleagues in a somewhat noisy coffee shop.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comment. Clearly you understand the situation in which I find myself today. It is easy to write you should have dumped her and many other things here and obviously I know I could have done many things to get out of the situation of course but it is not always easy. 10 years ago I use to think that I will never forgive a cheater untill I found myself in a similar situation, then I ended up forgiving.
I think she was regretful and not by words. She went to therapy and still today she follows a program to threat her habits. It has been going on for months now. But the potential for relapse is always there and this coffee shop thing is a trigger if it is a warning sign foreshadowing an event, being money or a man. It could be nothing, like you said but this never happened before. She could have answered or texted and said “give me a second I will call you back” and I would have waited for her to call back with no issues.


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Always trust your gut feeling and what to do for peace of mind:

To follow your wife`s activities it is extremely easy to be your own detective and most of it can be done at home on the computer from the comfort of your own armchair.

I guarantee that she will have either a facebook account, instigram, Utube or have profiles on other social networking sites or on multiple networking websites perhaps even ads on dating sites.

What you need:

Her email addresses
Mobile phone numbers
Any nicknames she uses
Actual Name
Residential address.
A clear facial photo.

First try typing in either her real name, nickname, phone numbers or emailing addresses into facebook in order to find her facebook account if you don`t have it. Check out her past and present activities on there including and most importantly, check out her friends list to see the type of people she is associating with.

Next type any of the information you already have about her including what I have listed above into various search engines, especially Google and see if she is mentioned in any of the lists that appear. Also do a Google image search. I bet my bottom dollar that this will yield in results. You will be amazed what results this will have just by only typing in an email address or mobile phone number.
Next go into a website called Pimeyes. It works by face recognition. The first 3 searches are free. You get 3 free searches every 24 hours. Upload a clear face photo of your wife and then click search. If she has any photos of her online the search will show them.

There are various free people, social networking search engines and image comparison searches also available online. If you discover photos of her online, download the photos onto your hard drive and do a Google and TinEye image search to see where else she has uploaded her photos she may be using on her profiles.

At one time a close friend asked me to conduct an online search on his girlfriend and within only 5 minutes I knew more about this person than my friend had known since the 2 years he was dating her. It transpired that this girl had a string of guys on the go.. It was all there in plain view.

My recommended above methods should be the first line of search and the hiring of a private detective that I have no doubts won`t be cheap could be considered as a last resort.

Also worth trying, is to get a friend or you follow her when she goes out and if getting a chance or to unexpectively turn up wherever she is and also take a look at her cell phone to see who she`s communicating with.

One major point in all this, is that at all times you must act cool, as if suspecting nothing and the online searches must be discrete and the person unaware that these searches are taking place. Otherwise if they get even a hint that their activities are under scrutiny, they will quickly make their profiles private or change their user names and other details so that it becomes extremely difficult to track them online.

If you find evidence that she is cheating, grab the evidence that can be used if this comes to a divorce.

Hopefully this leads to nothing, except to help give peace of mind.

Think about it.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Grob S said:


> Thank you for your comment. Clearly you understand the situation in which I find myself today. It is easy to write you should have dumped her and many other things here and obviously I know I could have done many things to get out of the situation of course but it is not always easy. 10 years ago I use to think that I will never forgive a cheater untill I found myself in a similar situation, then I ended up forgiving.
> I think she was regretful and not by words. She went to therapy and still today she follows a program to threat her habits. It has been going on for months now. But the potential for relapse is always there and this coffee shop thing is a trigger if it is a warning sign foreshadowing an event, being money or a man. It could be nothing, like you said but this never happened before. She could have answered or texted and said “give me a second I will call you back” and I would have waited for her to call back with no issues.


I think members here suggest ending things when cheating happens (it’s a deal breaker for me, too) because of how the cheating changes the BETRAYED. You are an example of that - feeling paranoid, and worrying that your wife is going to betray you again. It’s all normal - ptsd feelings after someone betrays us.

So, if you choose to stay, you have to ask yourself if you’re prepared for a life of these feelings.

You may have answered this but why were you calling her? You can call her anytime you like but were you calling to check up on her? Or did you actually need to talk with her about something?


----------

