# fantasies



## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

Wasn't really sure whether to put this in sex in marriage or here? 

Does your SO know your fantasies? Do you know his/hers?
How did you react? How did he/she react?
How was it brought up?
Is that something you should share or should it be kept "secret"?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

we have shared our fantasies. I don't know if she has shared all of hers but I've shared most of mine. knowing what they are has made the bedroom a more exciting place. but it also shows a degree of trust in one another to share such things with one another and only one another.


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## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

Maneo said:


> we have shared our fantasies. I don't know if she has shared all of hers but I've shared most of mine. knowing what they are has made the bedroom a more exciting place. but it also shows a degree of trust in one another to share such things with one another and only one another.


How has it come up? Who brought it up?


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

We shared our fantasies. I am not sure how much help it provided. My wife is pretty open for things in a bedroom, and I do not have a wild imagination or fantasies. We did fulfill her bedroom fantasies, that according to her. Now, when share your fantasies be careful, you do not want to offend your SO. So be gentle and keep in mind you SO feelings.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

VixNz said:


> How has it come up? Who brought it up?


we began to share when we were going together. I don't recall who started. probably me. but it has always been mutual. once married we really opened up more with one another.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

VixNz said:


> How has it come up? Who brought it up?


In our case it was after sex act. I believe it was me who asked this question. It was probably about 4 month of us dating and her excepting marriage proposal. I guess you have to really trust your partner to open up for this discussion.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
sadly no. My wife is easily upset by sexual suggestions, and has never been willing to share her fantasies (claims she has none).


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## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

This question should probably be in a whole new thread but I'm going to ask here.\
How can i get communication flowing between us? My h isn't really one to share feelings or anything, which makes me feel shy or nervous to talk/ask about sex or relationship things. 
I think I've said this but I'm 29 he's 30. Together 8 years married 6 in Oct.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

VixNz said:


> This question should probably be in a whole new thread but I'm going to ask here.\
> How can i get communication flowing between us? My h isn't really one to share feelings or anything, which makes me feel shy or nervous to talk/ask about sex or relationship things.
> I think I've said this but I'm 29 he's 30. Together 8 years married 6 in Oct.


In an intimate setting, openly exploring the topic of one's sexual vulnerability can be exhilarating in a positive way and strengthen the bond with your spouse. Simply tell him you feel shy and nervous to talk about sex with him and other relationship issues. Then look at him very serious and keep a straight face and *bluff* that you just found out. Watch his reaction and if he says "what?" then you tell him that he knows exactly what you are talking about, and do your best to maintain a straight face but with more concern... 

...after a few moments of awkward silence he will begin to explain his odd fetish/fantasy that you know nothing about. Or you can just laugh and tell him you are messing with his head! 

Now just so you are not freaked out in case he opens up to you, male fantasies have changed over the years with the invention of the internet. These days apparently it is all the rage to start sending you all this "sexting" stuff. I don't really get it, but from what I have heard is that your phone suddenly buzzes and when you look at it you see a naked selfie of your hubby flexing his muscles and looking super handsome. This in turn should make you immediately aroused and sexually receptive. Then you sext him back about calling pirate treasure or booty, but I don't get that part I'm too old and can't keep up with all the new technology these days.


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## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

badsanta said:


> In an intimate setting, openly exploring the topic of one's sexual vulnerability can be exhilarating in a positive way and strengthen the bond with your spouse. Simply tell him you feel shy and nervous to talk about sex with him and other relationship issues. Then look at him very serious and keep a straight face and *bluff* that you just found out. Watch his reaction and if he says "what?" then you tell him that he knows exactly what you are talking about, and do your best to maintain a straight face but with more concern...
> 
> ...after a few moments of awkward silence he will begin to explain his odd fetish/fantasy that you know nothing about. Or you can just laugh and tell him you are messing with his head!
> 
> Now just so you are not freaked out in case he opens up to you, male fantasies have changed over the years with the invention of the internet. These days apparently it is all the rage to start sending you all this "sexting" stuff. I don't really get it, but from what I have heard is that your phone suddenly buzzes and when you look at it you see a naked selfie of your hubby flexing his muscles and looking super handsome. This in turn should make you immediately aroused and sexually receptive. Then you sext him back about calling pirate treasure or booty, but I don't get that part I'm too old and can't keep up with all the new technology these days.


LOL> Thanks for the advice!! Although, I couldn't do it, No way could i keep a straight face.


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## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

Do your fantasies change depending on your mood? Or am I just a weirdo?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

No expert here on the matter, but may I suggest just living out your fantasy? Is there something you want to try? something you want to do? Why not just do it and see what the reaction is. I understand some fantasies involve actions by your SO, and perhaps some gentle encouragement might help there. This may provide your SO the opportunity to open up to some exploring of their own and I think it is equally important that you be open and flexible to engage in their fantasies as well.
My ex claims to have never masturbated (which IMO totally involves fantasy). She never talked about her fantasies. The few times I attempted to discuss my wants and desires, she wasn't interested in filling those for me. She generally was reluctant to stretch the boundaries beyond conventional vanilla sex. I felt very frustrated being limited to basically two positions (top or bottom) with very little variety. Over time it became a real wedge issue that was never resolved.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would be upset if I couldn't discuss openly things like this... I have a NEED to engage in intimate talks like this.. . it gives us something to try.. to laugh about it...it helps us understand each other, how we're wired sexually..

In my world.. there isn't anything he can't share with me.. or that I can't freely speak to him.. though truth is.. neither of us is one who fantasizes about 3 somes, c**kholds, any strange fetish.. we're pretty tame really.. so I'm sure this helps being so open.. If I was fantasizing about him wearing a diaper or something... this wouldn't go over so well.. (some Bizarre fetishes out there !). . 

Many times after our romp.. I'll share with him where we were.. what was was running through my head ...it's a lot of FUN...

I like the ending of this article...The Right Way to Share Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse 



> She says she’s always been honest about what she wants and isn’t easily shocked or offended, and those qualities are also what she values in the man she ended up marrying. “It’s awesome. As long as you’re both adventurous and open-minded and have a sense of humor,” she says. “No regrets, no holds barred.”


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## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would be upset if I couldn't discuss openly things like this... I have a NEED to engage in intimate talks like this.. . it gives us something to try.. to laugh about it...it helps us understand each other, how we're wired sexually..
> 
> In my world.. there isn't anything he can't share with me.. or that I can't freely speak to him.. though truth is.. neither of us is one who fantasizes about 3 somes, c**kholds, any strange fetish.. we're pretty tame really.. so I'm sure this helps being so open.. If I was fantasizing about him wearing a diaper or something... this wouldn't go over so well.. (some Bizarre fetishes out there !). .
> 
> Many times after our romp.. I'll share with him where we were.. what was was running through my head ...it's a lot of FUN...


I want to be like this, but it's just not how our relationship is... we dont talk about sexual stuff really. As I've said in previous threads, I'm an oversharer and my husband just doesn't. talking "sex" with him makes me feel uncomfortable because i think it makes him feel uncomfortable , and i cant ask him how it makes him feel cause he retreats when I ask him about his feelings and says I make him feel pressured and that makes him withdraw even more.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

VixNz said:


> I want to be like this, but it's just not how our relationship is... we dont talk about sexual stuff really. As I've said in previous threads, I'm an oversharer and my husband just doesn't. talking "sex" with him makes me feel uncomfortable because i think it makes him feel uncomfortable , and i cant ask him how it makes him feel cause he retreats when I ask him about his feelings and says I make him feel pressured and that makes him withdraw even more.


I haven't seen your previous threads so I have missed some of the dynamics of your relationship or why he sounds emotionally unavailable... His feeling PRESSURED and backing away IS an issue.. but it sounds YOU are open, willing.... 

Just asking.. but has anything happened in the past where you wanted MORE emotional honesty from him.. but what he said, shared... you took it in a hurtful way.. so it caused him to back away.. clam up.. or it caused fights afterwards ?? 

Or maybe in his past.. this happened with other GF's or even in his family growing up.. so he *didn't feel safe* showing himself emotionally vulnerable.. then some are just wired to have very little interest in sharing feelings... it's a temperament thing!... Just some things that come to mind...

I would like to say there is always hope, or a little improvement if you could hone in on what lights his fire.. getting a few hints out of him.. and playing off of it... 

I guess it depends on what is holding him back.. does he ENJOY and crave sex like a healthy male ??? 

Or maybe it's entirely another angle.. religious upbringing, some hang ups ... hidden porn habit he doesn't want to be found out.. or anything related come up in conversation.. many men have shame here.. or they just don't want to hurt their wives .. 

For us... though I'm generally the one who initiates the more flirty intimate discussions we have.. he was always pretty quiet about sex.. which wasn't helping me overcome some earlier inhibitions I had....though I was NEVER one to push away.. wouldn't matter what the subject was.. I'd dive in & have something to say..

Once I had a sex drive increase, that's all I wanted to yak about.... any inhibitions I had FLEW out the window... I wanted to explore everything we missed.. it was like a "WOW" .... geez.. where has my head been at all these years!"... . we had more adventure during that phase... learning new things about each other.. so yeah.. you never know !


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## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

[/QUOTE]Just asking.. but has anything happened in the past where you wanted MORE emotional honesty from him.. but what he said, shared... you took it in a hurtful way.. so it caused him to back away.. clam up.. or it caused fights afterwards ?? [/QUOTE]

There has been times in our past that yes i may have over reacted and took it in ways that he may not have meant. Things change though, people change.
I'm pretty emotional i guess I don't want to or like to take things so personally.


[/QUOTE]I guess it depends on what is holding him back.. does he ENJOY and crave sex like a healthy male ??? [/QUOTE]

I'm not really sure, He SEEMS to enjoy it. I'm real HD, he's not but I don't think he's necessarily LD? I'm not sure?



> Or maybe it's entirely another angle.. religious upbringing, some hang ups ... hidden porn habit he doesn't want to be found out.. or anything related come up in conversation.. many men have shame here.. or they just don't want to hurt their wives ..


I don't think it's any of this. He's my caregiver (24/7) so i know it's not the porn thing..

[/QUOTE]Or maybe in his past.. this happened with other GF's or even in his family growing up.. so he *didn't feel safe* showing himself emotionally vulnerable.. then some are just wired to have very little interest in sharing feelings... it's a temperament thing!... Just some things that come to mind...[/QUOTE]

his ex-wife had mental issues and was an extreme emotional wreck... 


Ugh, I hate realising i'm the one at fault...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

VixNz said:


> There has been times in our past that yes i may have over reacted and took it in ways that he may not have meant. Things change though, people change.
> I'm pretty emotional i guess I don't want to or like to take things so personally.


 You're right.. none of us are perfect.. I am SURELY more emotional over my husband too.. but yeah.. it's very important to take a step back during these sort of communications-when ANYONE makes themselves vulnerable to share with us...if you have over reacted in the past.. and you felt it pushed him away.. if anything.. bring THIS UP in the future, sit him down & apologize for when you have over reacted-explaining how you then realized you were wrong.. yo jumped too soon... that you want to do better here, it means so much to you..you want to listen deeper.. and hear him out...

Do your best to show understanding from here in .. and see his side. If he starts to feel this.. seeing a change in you.. it SHOULD have some effect to come a little closer , opening up more as time passes. It SHOULD work this way anyhow.. unless he is very stubborn, set in his ways.. 

There is this book I think is just phenomenal -as far as getting to the deeper stuff.. playing off of each other.. about communication.. not so much sexual fantasies.. but it's good to start somewhere.. I did a thread on it here >> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html




> his ex-wife had mental issues and was an extreme emotional wreck...


 This experience was probably very difficult on him.. he learned to not get too close, to avoid the pain & frustration... Some things almost need unlearned.. it's like new ground for him I bet.


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## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do your best to show understanding from here in .. and see his side. If he starts to feel this.. seeing a change in you.. it SHOULD have some effect to come a little closer , opening up more as time passes. It SHOULD work this way anyhow..* unless he is very stubborn, set in his ways.. *
> 
> There is this book I think is just phenomenal -as far as getting to the deeper stuff.. playing off of each other.. about communication.. not so much sexual fantasies.. but it's good to start somewhere.. I did a thread on it here >>
> 
> ...


Lol looks like i'm screwed!

Nah, I admit I've got alot of learning to do still with relationships. I want thing to be better then they were with both of our first marriages.

Thank you, some times i need a calm finger pointed at me to realize i'm partly to blame for an issue that i think someone else has.

Also thanks for the link i'll have a read


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## VixNz (Jun 22, 2015)

VixNz said:


> There has been times in our past that yes i may have over reacted and took it in ways that he may not have meant. Things change though, people change.
> I'm pretty emotional i guess I don't want to or like to take things so personally.
> ..


Never about sex as far as I can remember..


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