# Chats between husband and co worker



## Privatewife (Oct 2, 2017)

Hi, I'm new to this. Long story short. My husband made some mistakes in the past so trust is a work in progress. Last week he told me that he wanted to tell me a joke and when he read it he immediately thought his co worker would enjoy it. He then phone her to tell her the joke which ends very sexual. When I asked why he never phone me as I would also like sometimes a distraction from work, he told me that I would not appreciate the joke. Yes I do not get all jokes. With that in mind I looked on his phone and was shocked to find explicit sex jokes and pics send between them. This end up in a huge fight and the explanation was that I should read it in the context of the conversation. There was no texting, which meant it was either telephonically or Skype. I am so upset bit keep a straight face. Am I paranoid. They are so comfortable with each other that they talk sex jokes back and forth and what hurt most is that she is the one he think of first. I told him sometime ago something and when the lady explained it to him, then it make sense. I know they are probably just friendly but how far does co worker friendship go?? Sorry lenghty


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

What he is doing with the coworker is disrespectful to you. He has loose boundaries and the coworker has no self respect when she allows to be objectified with sexual innuendoes. She is into him and he is into her. Make no mistake, this is cheating! Take snap shots of the jokes between them from his phome and talk to and show them to his parents to see if it is very funny then. 

He is behaving like a horny teenager. Expose him to his parents like the teenager he is acting out like right now. If you don't get help to hopefully knock some sense into him for disrespecting you and the marriage, you might as well consider yourself single and file for divorce. He is at least having an Emotional Affair with this coworker, but probably more by now. 

Don't delay, EXPOSE today!


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Nope you're right.

He's displaying poor boundaries.

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

You read it and then make him read it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, my. So, when his coworker decides she doesn't like your husband, she has a ready provided stockpile of ammo for a sexual harassment case? 

Besides which, it's disrespectful to you, so he should not do it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is completely out of line. You had better set a boundary on this, and be prepared to follow it through.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Legally, she doesn't have a leg to stand on since she too is using company time to skype back and forth dirty jokes to one another. This teenage stupidity is going to get both horny turds fired. 

OP, how old is your husband? My guess is middle age and digressing back to his teen years at rocket speeds. What a foolish man.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Privatewife, if his behaviour worries you then it isn't OK. (You don't need agreement from any of us to decide that.) And if it really isn't that big a deal to your husband, then he should be perfectly OK with stopping. Your husband has a history of disloyalty to you. That means that he should be trying even harder to earn your trust. And he should be holding himself to a higher standard of behaviour. But he isn't. You need to stand up for yourself. What do you think you can do to force him to see your perspective on this? What were the consequences of the previous time that he broke your trust?


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If the female co-worker is married, tell her husband what you told us. Sounds like the beginning of an EA to me, and I am willing to bet there is more going on.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Privatewife said:


> Hi, I'm new to this. Long story short. My husband made some mistakes in the past so trust is a work in progress. Last week he told me that he wanted to tell me a joke and when he read it he immediately thought his co worker would enjoy it. He then phone her to tell her the joke which ends very sexual. When I asked why he never phone me as I would also like sometimes a distraction from work, he told me that I would not appreciate the joke. Yes I do not get all jokes. With that in mind I looked on his phone and was shocked to find explicit sex jokes and pics send between them. This end up in a huge fight and the explanation was that I should read it in the context of the conversation. There was no texting, which meant it was either telephonically or Skype. I am so upset bit keep a straight face. Am I paranoid. They are so comfortable with each other that they talk sex jokes back and forth and what hurt most is that she is the one he think of first. I told him sometime ago something and when the lady explained it to him, then it make sense. I know they are probably just friendly but how far does co worker friendship go?? Sorry lenghty


*Definite red ⛳ flags ~ keep his social activity under strict surveillance!

You've got potential trouble on your hands!*


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Tell your husband that he has set himself up to get fired. What he is doing is "sexual harassment". Tell him!


----------



## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

Granted, sometimes people who are friends send smutty jokes to each other via social networks. Most of the time it is just harmless fun. Here are some reasons why I think this is NOT the case here.

1) He has cut you out of the fun. He sends the jokes to his co-worker, but refuses to send them to you (whether you understand or get the jokes or not is irrelevant).

2) It sounds like this isn't the odd joke sent around to a circle of friends, but back and forth between your husband and the co-worker. This suggests a form of intimacy between them.

3) You have already expressed that you are not happy with what he is doing, yet he continues. This is a big no-no. Lack of boundaries for starters, total lack of respect for you.

Furthermore;



> I looked on his phone and was shocked to find explicit sex jokes and pics send between them.


This suggests that an inappropriate friendship has been going on for some time, and without your knowledge (until now).

Don't let him call you paranoid. He has been going behind your back and hiding things from you for some time. He is the guilty party, not you, and do not let him make you think otherwise.

I would give him the ring and seek the advice of a divorce lawyer if I were you. I don't know what the divorce laws are like in your country. Here - "Inappropriate Associations with Another Person" is grounds for divorce.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He knew you would not like the joke so he phoned his coworker. Then he said that he'd wanted to tell you the joke (but the devil made him call the coworker instead?) and confessed that he had shared it with the coworker. It looks like he's in CYA mode.

Asks him if he has a lead on a new job for when this one goes south.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yes, you have a right to be mad. He is crossing all sorts of boundaries!

1. he is being totally disrespectful to you his wife engaging in that sort of stuff with her
2/ Sexual jokes, innuendo etc are an absolute no go area for married spouses with people of opposite sex
3. He may be opening himself up to problems at work, if others find out or if she decides she no longer likes this coming from a married man. Some women are polite but may not like this


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> Legally, she doesn't have a leg to stand on since she too is using company time to skype back and forth dirty jokes to one another. This teenage stupidity is going to get both horny turds fired.
> 
> OP, how old is your husband? My guess is middle age and digressing back to his teen years at rocket speeds. What a foolish man.


Depends on his seniority, really, she could still take action through HR.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I don’t think it’s an EA just because it’s sexual innuendo jokes. Have any of you seen the sexual sloth memes? I think they’re hilarious, mostly offensive and always sexual in nature, but they crack me up. I showed a few to my husband and he thought they were stupid. But a few weeks later, we had friends over and one of my male friends brought up the memes and he and I laughed and laughed about them. That turned into us sending them to each other. The more offensive and awful, the better. My husband knew we sent them and thought they were funny, but he thought they were dumb so he just let us have our dumb jokes together. 

However, had my husband said he didn’t think it was appropriate or it bothered him that I sent these back and forth with our friend, then I would have stopped. 

I think that’s where you need to start. Tell him you do not like this, that you don’t think it’s appropriate and go from there. If he won’t stop, there’s a problem.


----------



## Privatewife (Oct 2, 2017)

Thanks for replying and comments. I've raised my concerns with hubby. He told they just friends and it meant nothing at all. I asked him why it this only between them and does not include me nor his other female colleague. Is his friendship exclusive, and what message does he bring across. I read through the Skype messages and were even more concern as they joked constantly. What really bugs me is the way the talk, things like I cannot wait to have a drink with you, etc. When asked he said it is just stres relieving chat nothing more. Still they exclude the other colleague due to that she irritates them. His reply also is that she is a friend which he worked closely with for almost 5 years. Only 3 in their office. My concern is what else do they talk about? Am I paranoid and insecure. Everything he say or talk always end up in sexual jokes and now he found someone who entertained it. His sex drive is very high and that is my other concern. Thanks again.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Privatewife,

When two people are married, they don't get to behave like single people anymore. Your husband appears to be behaving like a single person. And he doesn't care that his behaviour is affecting you, or respect your perspective. (As I said before, if it really wasn't a big deal, as he claims, then he would stop because your happiness would be more important to him.)

You can carry on allowing him to treat you like this, or you can take action. The ball is in your court. By not doing anything you are effectively condoning what he is doing. What consequences are you prepared to bring about as a result of him refusing a perfectly reasonable request to behave like a grown-up, mature person? I suppose that you could tell his parents, or someone he respects, what he is doing and see if they can help shame him into better behaviour. But frankly, do you want a marriage where you have to do that to get him to treat you respectfully? Do you have kids and are you reliant on him for financial income? How long have you been married?

How did he break your trust last time and what happened in your marriage when he did?


----------



## Privatewife (Oct 2, 2017)

Once again thanks. He now does know how I feel about this and I explained lengthy the priority issue. We will be married 17 years December with 3 kids. The trust was broken due to cheating, porn and online chatting. I gave him an ultimatum to stop or go. He stopped but the trust is a working in progress and I think and explained it to him this behaviour does not help at all.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Are you prepared to tell him to leave again unless he stops what he is doing? Can you afford it?

Your marriage is an established one. This is not a new behaviour for your husband. Frankly if he can't see that his current path has already or will lead him back to where he went before, then he is an incredibly immature person. Or he doesn't care if it does. Do you feel like he treats you with respect in your marriage outside of this particular situation?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He needs to read the book by the late Dr. Shirley Glass, "Not Just Friends."


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Privatewife said:


> Once again thanks. He now does know how I feel about this and I explained lengthy the priority issue. We will be married 17 years December with 3 kids. The trust was broken due to cheating, porn and online chatting. I gave him an ultimatum to stop or go. He stopped but the trust is a working in progress and I think and explained it to him this behaviour does not help at all.


Wait! What? He has a history of cheating? Oh. Then that changes things. He is an act of adultery waiting to happen.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need a new husband.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Privatewife said:


> Once again thanks. He now does know how I feel about this and I explained lengthy the priority issue. We will be married 17 years December with 3 kids. The trust was broken due to cheating, porn and online chatting. I gave him an ultimatum to stop or go. He stopped but the trust is a working in progress and I think and explained it to him this behaviour does not help at all.


He didn't really stop, he just switched activities.

He's still getting his jollies with another woman.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am really sorry you are experiencing this pain. Unfortunately given that you have caught him out before cheating there should be no contact at all with people of the opposite sex let alone this disgusting disrespectful behavour.

No you are not being silly or paranoid. Unfortunately you have contributed and enabled his foul behavour by not enforcing consequences the first time round.

Its not too late to enforce some now. Inform him friendships and his behavour with the opposite sex will no longer be tolerated. If he does not cease immediately and change his ways you will be filing for Divorce immediately. However do not issue this ultimatium unless you are fully prepared to follow through with it should you need too.

If he disreguards your warning or sneaks around which he probably will given your lack of consequences to date you need to take swift action. Seperate any joint accounts take the money out without warning and engage a lawyer and file for Divorce. Then he will know you are not playing about and your terms on his behavour are non negotiable.


----------



## why_amihere (Sep 26, 2017)

I was on the fence about this one but with the information that he has cheated in the past and the messages that say "I can't wait to have a drink with you" sent up red flags that I didn't see before.

Your husband needs to have a business only relationship with this woman, meaning no more contact other than work-related. no more jokes no more personal skype messages etc.. If he refuses this then he needs to face heavy consequences. You need to be strong with him, no yelling no screaming just tell him how it HAS to be for him to continue the marriage.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,

This "friend" crap, sharing alone time together over drinks, sharing private jokes, etc etc.

Yes, he's either having an affair, or is grooming this woman for one.

You are correct to be angry about it.
The fact that he's cheated in the past and is not guarding himself about this type of thing..... it's not a good sign.

Make your own mind up about things. I personally think you are married to a man that has no self discipline. He does whatever he wants and doesn't care how it hurts you. He stopped his cheating once. Now he's at it again. I think you will have to keep an eye on your husband from now on.

It's a shame.


----------

