# Stupid Choices



## Stupidspouse (Jun 1, 2011)

Hi, I just wanted to write about what has been happening in my marriage to mostly get it off my chest, but to also show how stupid decisions can affect a marriage.

I have been with my wife for 10 years this summer, married for six. I love her deeply and as I write this, I am overwhelmed with the guilt that I carry because of all of the stress that I have put her through over the past two years.

We have a 2 year old daughter and my wife is currently pregnant with our second child, which makes me even more of a stupid husband once you realize what has happened.

Two years ago, I took a new job that was promised to me that I would make more money. We were having a baby and while our finances weren't awful, I figured that more money wouldn't hurt.

I took the job and the money was great. My wife gave birth to our daughter and everything was awesome in our lives. 

Then things started to change. The bills piled up with the expenses of the baby and the money from my job wasn't coming in like I had wanted. The economy put a pinch on things, but we always managed to get through. We weren't saving money, but we weren't not paying our bills either.

Then about six months ago, things got tighter. I took it upon myself to start paying all the bills and not telling my wife about what was going on. I kept telling myself that she is too stressed and can't handle it and it will soon change so why let her know right? 

Anyway, I found myself in a hole that was getting harder and harder to get out of. Because my wife didn't know about any of this, we still maintained a lifestyle that we always had. I absolutely hate letting my wife down, and I couldn't bear to tell her that things weren't great.

So, to keep things going, I took some cash advances out on credit cards that we had. Both of these cards are in her name, but I was an authorized user on one but not on the other. I understand what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't let my wife know and I figured that things would change financially and we would be good. Everything would be fine....

Three months ago, my wife found out that she was pregnant with our second child. She then realized that she had no real idea about our finances and she wanted to know about them. I panicked because it wasn't supposed to be this way. I hadn't paid off the debt yet and our savings wasn't great. I kept trying to hide from it, but she would keep bringing it up.

I then began to get mad at her. I would argue with her and make her cry because in my mind, I couldn't let her know and I just wanted her to go back to the way things were. That didn't happen. Not only did it not go away, but we would fight in front of our two year old daughter as well as the unborn child my wife was carrying.

I was going crazy to try and keep this afloat as in my mind I was protecting her. I now know that I wasn't protecting her, I was protecting myself. I was protecting myself from my wife looking at me with the lack of trust and disgust that she now has for me.

She found out about everything obviously. It all came to a head when my back was against the wall and I had to tell her. I told her about the money in the accounts, but I never told her about the credit card debt. That she found out on her own by calling all of the companies and listening to the balances. 

Now, I have been sleeping in hotels and at my father's house. She finally let me sleep in the house on the couch because of our daughter and last night she let me sleep in our bed because of our daughter.

I am a Stupid Husband that has ruined my marriage by being selfish. I know now that if I had just told her, things might not have gotten to this point. But they have and I live every day with this guilt and I don't think my wife will ever trust me again. 

I really wrote this for myself because I have never thought my wife would think of me as a pathological liar or a piece of s^&% like she does. I have also let down my daughter and that is even worse to me.

I have some opportunities to change our situation quickly, but even if our financial situation improves tomorrow, I can't change my wife's trust or anger towards me.

There is a lot more to this story,but my question is should I feel as bad as I do?


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

This is a tough one.

I think what you did was wrong, BUT I don't think it's something you can't come back from.

People get into trouble with these cash advances all the time, they are not exactly easy to pay off... although that's not an excuse.

Yes, you should feel bad, but you can fix this.
Try enrolling in some free financial counseling classes, take yourself off as an authorized user, set up a concrete plan to show your wife on how you will pay this off. 

You didn't have bad intentions. A lot of people got squeezed by this economy, can you get another job to pay this off sooner?

Wish you luck!


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