# Frustrated wife



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

My husband and I have been married 7+ years now- together for 9. Sex has become less and less frequent over the years. I live with the following problem:
1) My husband does not like sex in the morning - we haven't done this since the first month together - and I mean any kind of sex. Weird for a guy right?
2) My husband takes Ambien and an additional over the counter sleep med in order to get to sleep at night (this comes from years of shift work, but still no excuse for this addiction). As soon as the Ambien starts to kick in (when we go to bed) he almost becomes a different person. He can't stop eating - yes, in bed -then passes out. Sometimes he does get handsy with me but it would be like having sex with an aggressive drunk - when you're sober. And when we have engaged in that he has a difficult time maintaining an erection and/or finishing so now I avoid him at all costs once he's taken his pills. 

This means, the only time we have sex are the evenings when he's run out of his prescription. I have to initiate since he believes I don't like him touching me - even though I've explained its only when he's stoned, but he doesn't believe that should matter. He does not understand that he's a different person when he's on it - he thinks I'm overreacting. 

I've tried many times discussing this problem with him, insisting he either gets off the medication entirely (not going to happen) or he takes it later in the evening - after we're already in bed. 

Any suggestions?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Hide his pills and dole them out AFTER you're satisfied for the evening. It seems like talking doesn't have any impact, so action is called for.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ambien should ONLY be taken once you are in bed and ready to fall asleep! He is abusing them if he is taking them plus something else OTC, to relax and calm down.

Your husband has a drug addiction. Worry about sex once the addiction is dealt with.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I know he is abusing them. He's been on them for quite awhile - at least 5 years that I know about. He used to be addicted to painkillers. Broke that habit (rehab) but increased his ambien usage. The doctor gives him enough to take one (top dose) daily. This is his third doctor (we've moved) that has given him such a dose. 
So the doctors are knowingly giving him what he's taking. I'm not sure me calling up and complaining that this drug is causing him to snack and not have sex would get me anywhere. 

I've tried taking control of them and doling them out at the time of night I see fit, but it just causes him to be anxious until he gets them. It didn't improve our sex life as the anxiety did not put him in a loving mood. 

I'm not sure there is a solution here unfortunately. The drug issue needs to be dealt with before we can even address our sex life and he refuses to see it as a problem.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Just call his doc and tell him that you H isn't taking it as prescribed. That he is taking it with an OTC sleep aide and that he is taking it early in the evening then behaving strangely. The doc will no doubt ask you to describe the strange behavior, and you tell the doc what generally happens, what sometimes happens, and what rarely happens. The doc can't make good judgement calls without all the info.

Years ago I spoke with my husband's doc about his sleep apnea. The doc talked about a study, an actual study, in which it was shown that married male patents give very little info, but when the wife is questioned, the doctor gets all the info necessary. I laughed and said, someone actually paid to have that study done?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Just call his doc and tell him that you H isn't taking it as prescribed. That he is taking it with an OTC sleep aide and that he is taking it early in the evening then behaving strangely. The doc will no doubt ask you to describe the strange behavior, and you tell the doc what generally happens, what sometimes happens, and what rarely happens. The doc can't make good judgement calls without all the info.
> 
> Years ago I spoke with my husband's doc about his sleep apnea. The doc talked about a study, an actual study, in which it was shown that married male patents give very little info, but when the wife is questioned, the doctor gets all the info necessary. I laughed and said, someone actually paid to have that study done?


LOL! I agree. I am horrible at the doctors office even if you can get me to go. What is it with us?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Not liking sex in the morning sounds, to me, like an excuse to get a morning pass. The ol' mornin' glory is common thing and a frequent wife waker. Sometimes, why waste it?

I've worked late/night shifts most of my life. My natural body clock prefers them. It takes me about two weeks to adjust to 'office hours'. ANY kind of early appointment, if you're on a late-shift pattern, requires nothing more than staying up late, the same way regular folk stay up till 4am for a party or drive home from a visit. It's NOT a big deal.

If that early appt' is your first day at a regular job, the adrenaline of first day keenness to impress will carry you through. Thereafter, you get home and keep yourself awake, then go to bed with your regular-hours spouse. After 2 weeks, a month at most, the shift becomes natural.

I don't know what that sleeping pill is but imagine it's one of many that, in the UK, fall under the umbrella title of Valium. One of them does not get you stoned. Lots of them or a very strong one will get you stoned, but needing lots of them or strong ones indicates that you have an anxiety/sleeping disorder,,, especially if you're 'drunkenly' groping your wife and still not sleeping.

Your hubby (and yourself as a result) have bigger problems than any difficulty relating to shifts. That no morning sex excuse is a cop-out. It might be an excuse if you have kids running about,, otherwise, couples who like sex will enjoy it any time of day. Tiredness and the need to get to work may result in most sex taking place in the evenings but I've never heard of somebody who's consistently LD in the mornings then HD after noon.

Hubby has an anxiety problem, at least a part of it related to his inability to be intimate and inability to be honest about it.

The high/strong doses of pills are revealing an underlying intimacy/anger issue AND not (always) achieving their purpose in getting him to sleep. This is 'lazy' doctoring. Ongoing requests for high doses of addictive drugs should raise a flag to, at least, enquire as to whether they're working. That they haven't helped with his 'shift adjustment' should, after a month or two, tell a competent doctor to look elsewhere,,, like, for anxiety, and send him to a specialist. The repeat prescriptions of drugs that aren't achieving their purpose is nothing but legalised drug dealing.

OP needs help with hubby. Hubby needs better professional help than he's getting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## droll (Nov 11, 2014)

That's not good. He just wants to have sex with when he's stoned. Actually, your husband taking the pills to get stoned not to get fall sleep. You should get rid of his pills your husband is becoming addictive


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He's in for a world of hurt. Although not a "pure" benzodiazepine, Ambien is in the same class of drugs as Valium, Librium, Xanax, Klonopin.

You don't just "stop" taking Ambien after 5 years. He will go through withdrawals if he tries to cold-turkey this med.

You SHOULD speak to his doc, tell him hubs is abusing the Ambien (it's intended for short-term sleep problems -- NOT "rest of your life" sleep aid). I would think his doctor would want to wean him off slowly. No doc wants to be responsible for the "nocturnal Ambien wanderer" -- we've all heard about people who go out, crash their cars in their sleep, and don't remember any of it. It's more common than you think.

P.S. Why not have sex BEFORE he takes the Ambien?


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