# TAG has given me a glimpse into the male mind about sex



## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

I always knew the sex was important for a healthy happy marriage, but reading about sexless marriages is really sad. I will be the first to say that my marriage needs a lot of work, and my lack of desire has more to do with how I'm treated, not my libido. Having said that, I could never deprive my husband of sex months at a time bc that's just cruel, and will only make things worse. I've said yes many times when I didn't want to just so he could get his release. He's a little nicer for about 1/2 a day after sex too so it is beneficial for me as well. 

Someone here stated that it was a NEED not just a want and that's eye opening.

I hope women who withold sex for several months to a year realize what they're doing and make changes. That goes for women too, but it seems like this is mainly a mans complaint. This behavior is just asking for an affair. That's not condoning it, but what do you expect if you with hold all the time?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you don't have to give your husband sex, but he will be humping your leg after a while


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> I always knew the sex was important for a healthy happy marriage, but reading about sexless marriages is really sad. I will be the first to say that my marriage needs a lot of work, and my lack of desire has more to do with how I'm treated, not my libido. Having said that, I could never deprive my husband of sex months at a time bc that's just cruel, and will only make things worse. I've said yes many times when I didn't want to just so he could get his release. He's a little nicer for about 1/2 a day after sex too so it is beneficial for me as well.
> 
> Someone here stated that it was a NEED not just a want and that's eye opening.
> 
> I hope women who withold sex for several months to a year realize what they're doing and make changes. That goes for women too, but it seems like this is mainly a mans complaint. This behavior is just asking for an affair. That's not condoning it, but what do you expect if you with hold all the time?


It is a very kind post. I think it is very hard for someone with a low drive to understand that it is a biggie. I have had a girlfriend where I learned to make sure shje did not eat before I did, as she would not understand how I could be hungrfy when she was not. Equally, it can seen that sex is likle going for a jog round the park, very nice, but physical ly tiring and certainly not something you should be expected to do when your partner can go on their own. Where my sympathy ends is that if all it took to save a marriage was run round the park a few times, I would certainly do it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

We never had anything close to a sexless marraige ourselves, because I always had a decent sex drive, after so many days I would be NEEDING it myself (just like a guy just not as often)... what I didn't realize, and none of the women in my life ever talked about ~ was that MEN's drives , craving & antsiness for it is *SO MUCH MORE* than ours.. he would have been in heaven once a day while I was content with once a week !...so it was frustrating for him...very.

Because he didn't whine, complain or even make a fuss over this ...still had a good attitude for the most part, except maybe around the kids....I just didn't "get it" -didn't know!

When I asked him why he was so silent 5 yrs ago when opening all this up...he told me all the guys at work complained & he thought ALL women were like this , didn't care for sex, said at least I always initiated so he thought he had it pretty good...even if he DID WANT MORE....yet he still grew *some resentment* towards me those yrs..that I didn't realize.
'
When I came to learn all of this.. how my own husband suffered, I cried many tears ..I was even MAD at him for being so silent, he should have fought with me....something...at that point, the tables were turned.. I was the one in need...and he seemed to be slowing down ...I guess I was getting what I deserved ! But he never let me suffer, so now I worship the ground he walks on.

Many a woman has come here , read those sort of stories.. and had their eyes opened. It was good to read your post...

This is one of the saddest things I ever read that brings it all home...

This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like - And yet - Open Salon

This thread came out of one of our very silly arguments over our drive differences..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We never had anything close to a sexless marraige ourselves, because I always had a decent sex drive, after so many days I would be NEEDING it myself (just like a guy just not as often)... what I didn't realize, and none of the women in my life ever talked about ~ was that MEN's drives , craving & antsiness for it is *SO MUCH MORE* than ours.. he would have been in heaven once a day while I was content with once a week !...so it was frustrating for him...very.
> 
> Because he didn't whine, complain or even make a fuss over this ...still had a good attitude for the most part, except maybe around the kids....I just didn't "get it" -didn't know!
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing. My husband is 41 and there are often times I've wished his SD would decline, bc I felt I just couldn't keep up. His SD is the same as when we were early 2o's.I guess I always just thought he was acting like I was there for one thing only, and when he doesn't do the things I like,I become frustrated. I'm trying to understand that he's not being selfish( well I'm still trying to come to terms with him not doing much else than going to work and having sex or trying to rape me for sex) sex is just an act he really needs.

I can't say that I have "arrived" bc there are still times I don't respond to his advances, but at least I'm not going months or weeks depriving him.

~Question for you. Did your husb ever verbalize that he wanted it more than once a week, or did he just silently wait for you to initiate it?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You are a good woman 20. You love your husband.

Contrarily, I am a husband and a bit lower sex drive than my wife.

She wants it all the time and could easily go at least once or several times a day. I like 3-4 times a week.

But, I am her husband and try never to deny her.

She talks about the day when we retire and we can spend all day in bed.

Oh boy???..........


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why is it important to validate or quantify your husband's desires? If something is very obviously important to him, shouldn't you do your best to oblige? My wife is strongly interested in lots of things that make no sense to me. If she's important to me, though, I should want her to be happy. If that means planting flowers, I plant flowers. If it means trudging through Bed, Bath, and Beyond, that's where I go. I don't need to check the thermometer or ask for a second opinion if she says she's cold. Don't need to ask a nutritionist or a doctor if she says she'd like a sandwich. I don't need to understand why things are important to her. I need to only know they are. Either her well-being is important to me or it isn't. If it isn't, I need to figure out if I'm really cut out to be a husband.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> Thanks for sharing. My husband is 41 and there are often times I've wished his SD would decline, bc I felt I just couldn't keep up. His SD is the same as when we were early 2o's.


Your husband sounds very healthy, one thing to be thankful for...When mine was age 45 , I was wishing he was 20 yrs younger!!.....there was a decline... I would have never noticed it had I not had this happen to me...

I even sent him to the Endocrinologist to get his Testosterone checked, she made a comment that his levels were normal for a 60 yr old man -which had me worried sick for a time.. (but he was within normal range).. I came to learn with reading a # of books on Test & scouring the net ... that for some men, lower levels may be NORMAL for them..(he was never the aggressive type to begin with).... and it was true.. he really didn't need "Test therapy" (he was also going through a hard time at work & more stressed at that time )...

We had his levels tested again a couple yrs ago and they were higher than all 9 tests at age 45.. so he's fine.. 

But during that time.. I was ANTSY and started to take it personal ....His attitude and some Viagra saved us! 



> I guess I always just thought he was acting like I was there for one thing only, and when he doesn't do the things I like,I become frustrated. I'm trying to understand that he's not being selfish( well I'm still trying to come to terms with him not doing much else than going to work and having sex or trying to rape me for sex) sex is just an act he really needs.


 My husband accused me of raping him too, thankfully he invited it with a ....I can't imagine if men have to deal with the way I felt for 8 straight months...I wondered if I had a sex addiction, I had some sort of hormonal surge with physical symptoms even...I couldn't keep my hands off him, my body temperature was HOT, to the point of it bothering him (I had a fever alright). .. I could hardly sleep, wanted it 3 times a day.. it would be like a guy with a continuous boner.. 

If your husband is a High Test guy .. he really can't help it.. feeling like that.. though we do need some SELF CONTROL [email protected]# . I guess this is why men throw themselves into sports to take the edge off and stuff when they are younger.. I was thinking I don't know HOW any young men could get anything done with their minds being hi-jacked like THIS!!.. I felt sorry for all high drivers coming to TAM & reading some of these stories. I would get very emotional about it. 

This all probably sounds ridiculous to you.. that was my experience, then it calmed..back to normal. I can concentrate on other things again... 



> I can't say that I have "arrived" bc there are still times I don't respond to his advances, but at least I'm not going months or weeks depriving him.


 You are trying to put yourself in his shoes ...as best you can.. that's wonderful -even despite it sounds he needs to do the same and work on some of his issues THAT HURT YOU.....

We can't help it when our sex drive is lower ... I know it helped my husband understand ME - because he went through that -wanting me all the time in the past.. he wasn't going to deny me.. but then I wanted to cry.. because I wasn't there for him LIKE THAT..

How old are you ? Some women seem to go through this...similar to what I explained... some don't.. it's a mystery...

Here is another female poster who talked about it..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/39859-anyone-else-women-their-prime-high-sex-drive.html



> ~*Question for you. Did your husb ever verbalize that he wanted it more than once a week, or did he just silently wait for you to initiate it*?


 Our story involved Infertility - yrs of it.. and during that we were scheduling sex for optimal results (not that it helped those yrs) ...it was THEN he started to feel less loved by me ... but yet wanted as much as me, to have more children.. so he sucked it up... he went along, he didn't want to do anything to further burden me, then we had another 5 kids in 9 yrs.. and I don't know.. he got lots of sex when I was pregnant, that spiked my drive ! 

He didn't ever tell me he was suffering - NO.. he tried ONE TIME to talk to me about this.. and he never used the WORD







...he said he wanted to hold me more at night ... (I often had books in my hand, reading or a baby inbetween us).. I needed a brick to my head!









I understand how some men are "too passive" to their own needs...though this is probably on the rare side ! Me, however ...not passive at all.. We are so different temperament wise... another reason I didn't "get it"..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> I've said yes many times when I didn't want to just so he could get his release. He's a little nicer for about 1/2 a day after sex too so it is beneficial for me as well.


=/

Personally if my wife had no desire for me I'd rather divorce and hookup with someone else who does especially when there are so many right around the corner


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> I always knew the sex was important for a healthy happy marriage, but reading about sexless marriages is really sad. *I will be the first to say that my marriage needs a lot of work, and my lack of desire has more to do with how I'm treated, not my libido. *Having said that, I could never deprive my husband of sex months at a time bc that's just cruel, and will only make things worse. I've said yes many times when I didn't want to just so he could get his release. He's a little nicer for about 1/2 a day after sex too so it is beneficial for me as well.
> 
> Someone here stated that it was a NEED not just a want and that's eye opening.
> 
> I hope women who withold sex for several months to a year realize what they're doing and make changes. That goes for women too, but it seems like this is mainly a mans complaint. This behavior is just asking for an affair. That's not condoning it, but what do you expect if you with hold all the time?


Many women with that problem develop a lot of resentment toward their husbands. The way they are being treated by their husbands creates a lack of desire and resentment in the first place, and then continuing to have sex to meet his needs while he still treats her needs as unimportant then creates even more resentment. 

There aren't likely to be many "aha" moments for those women to be told sex is a need for the men who are treating them with disrespect. So what? is more likely the response, considering their husbands have that response to their wives' needs.

I agree that cutting off sex doesn't help matters any. But continuing to have sex when their husbands continue to treat them badly doesn't really work, either.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> But continuing to have sex when their husbands continue to treat them badly doesn't really work, either.


Aye, tis only a temporary solution


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

norajane said:


> Many women with that problem develop a lot of resentment toward their husbands. The way they are being treated by their husbands creates a lack of desire and resentment in the first place, and then continuing to have sex to meet his needs while he still treats her needs as unimportant then creates even more resentment.
> 
> There aren't likely to be many "aha" moments for those women to be told sex is a need for the men who are treating them with disrespect. So what? is more likely the response, considering their husbands have that response to their wives' needs.
> 
> I agree that cutting off sex doesn't help matters any. But continuing to have sex when their husbands continue to treat them badly doesn't really work, either.


According to some of the comments, it seems like only women get this. I guess a mans needs are more important and we need to just open our legs and suck it up!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Women suffer from depression at twice the rate of men and up to 25% of women have this challenge. Just knowing this, it is statistically twice as likely that wives will be unhappy as husbands no matter what husbands do or don't do. Does it "help" if men continue to bring home their paychecks even when their wives treat them badly? If we are saying that marriage performance can be turned on and off depending on whether we feel happy or not on a particular day, we may as well dispense with the ceremony because that isn't a commitment at all. Would a husband be morally free to commit adultery if his wife was untidy or didn't feel like discussing sports with him? Can he bring home his paycheck to his family only on the days he feels all is right with the world?


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

I agree with OP that in the male mind, regular sex is a true NEED, not simply a want, and it is cruel to withhold. I will also say that any man who stays in (thereby allowing) a sexless marriage for months/years is just as much the fool.

So long as we're generalizing here, I might as well chime in on that too. Men's need for sex is a pretty specific thing (sex!) with a specific desired outcome (orgasm!) with specific metrics (X times per week) and men are usually able to be clear and consistent about communicating this need.

When it comes to women's needs, things gets much trickier: less specific thing(s), less specific outcome(s), less specific metrics, and less clear/consistent communication about the need(s).

Ok there I said it!! Just my opinion. Does anybody agree though? True it is "lucky" for the man that his need is so precise and simple, where her's might be more abstract.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We never had anything close to a sexless marraige ourselves, because I always had a decent sex drive, after so many days I would be NEEDING it myself (just like a guy just not as often)... what I didn't realize, and none of the women in my life ever talked about ~ was that MEN's drives , craving & antsiness for it is *SO MUCH MORE* than ours.. he would have been in heaven once a day while I was content with once a week !...so it was frustrating for him...very.
> 
> Because he didn't whine, complain or even make a fuss over this ...still had a good attitude for the most part, except maybe around the kids....I just didn't "get it" -didn't know!
> 
> ...


I can totally relate to your post. I honestly never knew how men physically needed it. My mom (or anyone) ever told me how it was. My ex and I never talked about sex, likes or dislikes, much less frequency. He was an OTR truck driver, gone for 4-6 weeks at a time. When he was home, he slept like the first 24 hrs. Then the days that followed, he'd stay up late at nite (2-3am) and I had to get to bed by 10 to get up for work. There was always alot to do the short time he was home, We usually had sex once or twice while he was home. He left me after 13 yrs of marriage, and one of the things he said was "I wasn't affectionate enough".... no amount of begging or pleading would get him to change his mind. D has been final for over a year and a half, and I still have a difficult time with this. (and probably why I still hang out on TAM.) How could I not have known he was unhappy? If he was so unhappy, why didn't he say anything? Why wasn't he willing to work on it? He was living with someone within 6 weeks of asking for the D and he married her this past summer. He'd known her for 6 or so yrs prior to our divorce so did he have something going on the side and I never knew? its possible.. with his being a truck driver, I never kept tabs on him. I really wonder now, almost to the point of letting it drive me crazy.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

tommyr said:


> I agree with OP that in the male mind, regular sex is a true NEED, not simply a want, and it is cruel to withhold. I will also say that any man who stays in (thereby allowing) a sexless marriage for months/years is just as much the fool.
> 
> So long as we're generalizing here, I might as well chime in on that too. Men's need for sex is a pretty specific thing (sex!) with a specific desired outcome (orgasm!) with specific metrics (X times per week) and men are usually able to be clear and consistent about communicating this need.
> 
> ...


Good point and we already know women can be more complex

However if a man KNOWS being talked down to is a libido killer for his wife, and continues to snap at her all day, climbs into bed and starts grabbing things as if to say, let's go.... Like nothing ever happened....he just contributed to her low sex drive. So yea, we might not just want one thing, but it's important to know what's a turn on and turn off, and the man ( or woman) needs to take some responsibility too if he's not getting it as much as he wants. Nine times out of then there's always a reason. I've already came to my lightbulb moment about a married man and sex, but due to some comments, I'm just trying to help men understand the other side as well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If the decision was merely to dump a sexless zombie, that would be a no-brainer. In truth, leaving the marriage also usually involves leaving one's children, creating poverty where there was none, losing wealth that someone has expended decades of sweat to attain. Even after dumping one's lousy spouse, there is no guarantee that the next one will be any better. The misery you can live with beats the horror you could end up with.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> If the decision was merely to dump a sexless zombie, that would be a no-brainer. In truth, leaving the marriage also usually involves leaving one's children, creating poverty where there was none, losing wealth that someone has expended decades of sweat to attain. Even after dumping one's lousy spouse, there is no guarantee that the next one will be any better. The misery you can live with beats the horror you could end up with.



After reading some threads I see and recognize that at least my husband is a man of character, commitment,and loyalty. He's never once threatened divorce bc he doesn't have sex everyday. Then again sex once a week isn't what I'd call a sexless marriage


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 20yearasof marriage
If he is not meeting your needs - sexual or otherwise that is a different issue. You have every right to not want sex with someone who doesn't treat you well. The HD/LD cases most people are talking about are where the HD partner is willing to to pretty much anything (sexual and not ) that the LD partner wants and is still being turned down.


"trying to rape you for sex". Is that an exaggeration? If its real, then this is a whole different kettle of fish. Force / coercion are never ever OK - I don't care how much he wants sex. Even once is utterly unacceptable. 




20yrsofmarriage said:


> Thanks for sharing. My husband is 41 and there are often times I've wished his SD would decline, bc I felt I just couldn't keep up. His SD is the same as when we were early 2o's.I guess I always just thought he was acting like I was there for one thing only, and when he doesn't do the things I like,I become frustrated. I'm trying to understand that he's not being selfish( well I'm still trying to come to terms with him not doing much else than going to work and having sex or trying to rape me for sex) sex is just an act he really needs.
> 
> I can't say that I have "arrived" bc there are still times I don't respond to his advances, but at least I'm not going months or weeks depriving him.
> 
> ~Question for you. Did your husb ever verbalize that he wanted it more than once a week, or did he just silently wait for you to initiate it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

20yrsofmarriage said:


> After reading some threads I see and recognize that at least my husband is a man of character, commitment,and loyalty. He's never once threatened divorce bc he doesn't have sex everyday. Then again sex once a week isn't what I'd call a sexless marriage


Sex once a week would be considered a sexual tsunami over here.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Unless there a violent component involved, I'd avoid using the term "rape" in connection with marital sex. Cajoling, nagging, or otherwise persuading a husband or wife to behave against their natural wishes is a normal part of marriage. If it's rape, then cajoling your man to go to a store against his will is kidnapping. Expecting him to work when he'd rather not would be slavery. Under those conditions, I suspect most wives would be in prison.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening unbelievable
I'm not sure marriage changes this. Cajoling, nagging, begging, and threatening *legal* consequences (eg I'll leave if you don't) are not rape whether or not you are married. 

Force, the threat of force or other illegal consequences IS rape, whether or not you are married.

I think the only difference marriage might make is in what level of consent is assumed if there is no discussion. 


That said, I completely agree that people should avoid using the term "rape" for minor things. OTOH if the OP was coerced in some way, then that is rape and should be discussed. (I don't know what sort of incident she was describing).




unbelievable said:


> Unless there a violent component involved, I'd avoid using the term "rape" in connection with marital sex. Cajoling, nagging, or otherwise persuading a husband or wife to behave against their natural wishes is a normal part of marriage. If it's rape, then cajoling your man to go to a store against his will is kidnapping. Expecting him to work when he'd rather not would be slavery. Under those conditions, I suspect most wives would be in prison.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

"I can totally relate to your post. I honestly never knew how men physically needed it. My mom (or anyone) ever told me how it was. My ex and I never talked about sex, likes or dislikes, much less frequency."

I was in the same boat. I never knew until reading TAM how important it was to men. I never, ever turned my ex down but seldom initiated it either until about five years before we divorced when my sexual drive increased. However, after his two major back surgeries he began sleeping in his recliner because of the pain. Add to that his pain medication and muscle relaxants it got to the point where he had performance issues even with Viagra. He eventually stopped initiating as often. I felt really bad for him so when we would go weeks without sex I didn't say anything. He never said anything about it and I assumed since he was stilling saying "Not only is she my wife, she's also my best friend" It wasn't wasn't a huge issue and once we got over the hump with his back issues we would be back to normal or close to it. 

This is one of the main reasons it crushed me when I learned he was having an affair. If he wasn't happy with our sex life he should have told me but instead he stayed silent and looked for it elsewhere. 

I will never know if his affair was about the sex or something else. To this day he still tells people that it was nothing I did or didn't do, that is was just him. It hurts to never have any real clue as to what went wrong and it tortures me to this day knowing he had his performances issues but could manage to bonk another woman.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

it never crossed my mind to withhold sex as punishment. But I will not have sex with him, when I am angry at him, when things are not going right. just do not feel like it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Is it important for you to feel sexually desired by your partner? If so, why would you assume it wouldn't be important for your man? I feel cold and hunger so I assume my wife does, too. Disrespect and neglect aren't fun for me, so I don't treat my wife that way. I don't like criticism so it's reasonable for me to assume my wife isn't a fan of being criticized. I can get on a loaded train and without knowing any of the passengers at all, I have a pretty good idea that none of them would like a punch in the nose, practically all of them would like to be treated with respect. I don't understand why a man should have to ask you to occasionally initiate sex. How would you feel about yourself if your partner never expressed an interest in having sex with you?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

A few years ago I lost my job. I thought well, no big deal. I wasn't crazy about what I was doing anyway. Up until then my wife and I had a good sex life. Well lo and behold, I was out of work for a month and no sex. Two months... No sex. (I was tracking on a calendar) three months... No job prospects and no sex either. 
Finally after six months I landed another job. Wouldn't you know it. I told my wife I got a job and the sex started again. After the first couple of months without working my self esteem took a nose dive. Needless to say I wasn't very happy about being punished for not having a job. It became a sort of trend. Being the low guy on the totem pole at work I would be the first to get the short term layoffs. During those the sex fountain dried up accordingly. I believe I masturbated more in that one year then I did my entire teenage years.
I feel that a sexual relation for a man is a necessity. It helps to reinforce our self worth. It's bad enough feeling nobody wants you working for them but it's a million times worse when you feel you're not good enough for the woman you married for better or for worse. 
I don't think most women (in a relationship) realize how much of a man's emotional well being is directly linked to sexual activity. 
That's my 2¢. Take it for what it's worth.

Mike.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Baseballmom6 said:


> "I can totally relate to your post. I honestly never knew how men physically needed it. My mom (or anyone) ever told me how it was. My ex and I never talked about sex, likes or dislikes, much less frequency."
> 
> I was in the same boat. I never knew until reading TAM how important it was to men. I never, ever turned my ex down but seldom initiated it either until about five years before we divorced when my sexual drive increased. However, after his two major back surgeries he began sleeping in his recliner because of the pain. Add to that his pain medication and muscle relaxants it got to the point where he had performance issues even with Viagra. He eventually stopped initiating as often. I felt really bad for him so when we would go weeks without sex I didn't say anything. He never said anything about it and I assumed since he was stilling saying "Not only is she my wife, she's also my best friend" It wasn't wasn't a huge issue and once we got over the hump with his back issues we would be back to normal or close to it.
> 
> ...


Sometimes when the lightbulb finally goes off it's already too little too late. Sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully things are looking up now.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's not about "suck it up". 
You should make a conscous effort to improve your marriage. That involves "meeting needs" and "getting your needs met". The point of the so-called suck it up is to put your husband in a place where he is getting his needs met - to rule out resentment of you as the REASON he does not meet your needs. So, you spend a month or two meeting his needs. And what is very important in meeting a need is not the "what" but the "how" you do this. Once he is getting his needs met then you start advocating for you needs. Your goal is to find out if your husband is getting his needs met, and your husband then understands what your needs are and if he is unwilling to meet your needs then you will be unwilling to meet his needs... That's when you can figure out if your husband is willing to properly participate in your marriage or he is just a selfish creep. Then you make your decision accordingly.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are loads of studies that link sexual satisfaction to longevity, so a decision to withhold really is a choice that your spouse die (much) sooner. The good news is that if the withholding goes on long enough, he or she is probably praying for death, anyway.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> There are loads of studies that link sexual satisfaction to longevity, so a decision to withhold really is a choice that your spouse die (much) sooner. The good news is that if the withholding goes on long enough, he or she is probably praying for death, anyway.


This is rather unusual and abrupt way to put it.

Little extreme, but man, I like it!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sex and death: are they related? Findings from the Caerphilly cohort study | The BMJ


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Baseballmom6 said:


> "I can totally relate to your post. I honestly never knew how men physically needed it. My mom (or anyone) ever told me how it was. My ex and I never talked about sex, likes or dislikes, much less frequency."
> 
> I was in the same boat. I never knew until reading TAM how important it was to men. I never, ever turned my ex down but seldom initiated it either until about five years before we divorced when my sexual drive increased. However, after his two major back surgeries he began sleeping in his recliner because of the pain. Add to that his pain medication and muscle relaxants it got to the point where he had performance issues even with Viagra. He eventually stopped initiating as often. I felt really bad for him so when we would go weeks without sex I didn't say anything. He never said anything about it and I assumed since he was stilling saying "Not only is she my wife, she's also my best friend" It wasn't wasn't a huge issue and once we got over the hump with his back issues we would be back to normal or close to it.
> 
> ...


Cheating is a character issue and about pure selfishness. I would believe him when he says it was all about him because that's just the way that goes. Least he is honest now and recognizing his fault and not blaming you.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like - And yet - Open Salon

This is how I've always viewed making love. It's a language that can't be expressed verbally. It's not just a desire, but a Need in a personal relationship. I think once the makin' love stops, the relationship can be in major trouble. Something I've learned with maturity.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My parents never taught me that dog cussing my wife or punching her in the face were abusive acts and would not be appreciated. My wife never told me that if I did those things she might find the love and comfort I swore to provide elsewhere. My dogs never sat me down and explained that if I kicked them every day they might bite me. If there are still sane adults who aren't clear on the subject, neglecting physical needs is abuse. We even have criminal penalties for people who neglect their kids or pets. Why would anyone imagine that withholding basic needs from one's life partner would be ok? Why would anyone be surprised about an affair if they had been neglecting their spouse for months or years? If I treated my wife like crap, I'd be astonished every day that she came home. Of course, she'd turn to some other guy if I just refused to be a loving partner! Why would someone expect endless loyalty as a reward for sustained exploitation, neglect, and abuse?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

^^^ This is all assuming that all people possess: empathy, humility, introspection and accountability.

It would be nice but it's far from reality.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/65161-do-you-have-responsive-desire-only.html

Great thread by Jaquen

55


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mr The Other said:


> It is a very kind post. I think it is very hard for someone with a low drive to understand that it is a biggie. I have had a girlfriend where I learned to make sure shje did not eat before I did, as she would not understand how I could be hungrfy when she was not. Equally, it can seen that sex is likle going for a jog round the park, very nice, but physical ly tiring and certainly not something you should be expected to do when your partner can go on their own. Where my sympathy ends is that if all it took to save a marriage was run round the park a few times, I would certainly do it.


That's the weirdest thing I've every heard.

"how can you be hungry? I just ate 30 minutes ago!"

Someone could write a thesis on that brain.

Was she narcissistic, by chance?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> That's the weirdest thing I've every heard.
> 
> "how can you be hungry? I just ate 30 minutes ago!"
> 
> ...


Not at all. However, I think it is often an issue in relationships that one person finds an issue very important and the other does not. It can be hard to understand that something is genuinely important to someone else and really does matter. In this example, food did not appear important once she had eaten. There is almost an advantage in this to being male, as we are told we lack empathy and have to work on it, whereas women often assume they are very good at it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Miss Taken said:


> ^^^ This is all assuming that all people possess: empathy, humility, introspection and accountability.
> 
> It would be nice but it's far from reality.


By all means, there are very dysfunctional and even quite evil people in the world. Someone who lacks empathy or accountability has no business in a marriage. Just shows the importance of screening for decent character while dating.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> My parents never taught me that dog cussing my wife or punching her in the face were abusive acts and would not be appreciated. My wife never told me that if I did those things she might find the love and comfort I swore to provide elsewhere. My dogs never sat me down and explained that if I kicked them every day they might bite me. If there are still sane adults who aren't clear on the subject, neglecting physical needs is abuse. We even have criminal penalties for people who neglect their kids or pets. Why would anyone imagine that withholding basic needs from one's life partner would be ok? Why would anyone be surprised about an affair if they had been neglecting their spouse for months or years? If I treated my wife like crap, I'd be astonished every day that she came home. Of course, she'd turn to some other guy if I just refused to be a loving partner! Why would someone expect endless loyalty as a reward for sustained exploitation, neglect, and abuse?


At least the law gives a person recourse to leave a situation like that. Even if it's expensive.


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