# What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of faith]



## dontpanic

[For my story, go here]

I grew up in a religous environment that taught that marriage and family and community are sacred. I was taught that especially for a woman, the ability to get married and have children and raise a family while supporting your husband and family's physical and emotional needs was the ultimate goal of life. Of course you should have a job that you enjoy and work outside the home, but only because that makes you a happier and better wife and mother.

I got married at age 22 to my STBXH who was 23. Of course we discussed having a family and he said that he wanted it too. As the years passed and other issues intervened (you can see my journal for more info), he never felt able to take on the responsibility and make the leap of faith and have kids with me. I pushed and was repelled. If I had pushed harder, we probably would have gotten divorced sooner. But instead I had patience and gave him his space and believed him when he said that we would have kids when the time was right. To be honest, I also was more scared of losing him and being alone, than of not having kids.

So now my marriage is ending after 17 yrs and I have neither spouse or kids. I earned my masters degree, but always put home and family first and my career second. I ended up supporting him in his career while I worked part time and took care of stuff at home. I also did a lot of volunteer work and eldercare for my aging parents and drove our social life and ran the house. I also had personal health issues to deal with.

Now that we are getting divorced, I am going to be alone. I never fulfilled my potential to have and raise children. I am disillusioned by my work & corporate life in general and feel like an aimless cog in a never-ending wheel. I am also grieving the loss of my marriage and the death of my mother and brother all in the same year.

I truly do not know what G-d was thinking in putting me on this earth. I know that I have friends and neighbors and family that care about me and support me. But I feel aimless - as if the dissolution of my marriage has set me completely adrift. The plan that I had for my life didn't pan out and I don't have a Plan B.

I just plain don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried my hardest my entire life to be a "good girl", be kind, do the right thing, be a good wife and the payoff is that I am now alone and unfulfilled. I can't understand how this happened to my life and what I am supposed to do for the next 39 years.

For example, many of my friends who have dealt with death or divorce have said, "well I had to stay strong so I can take care of my kids". But I don't have kids and likely never will. After helping care for her for two years, my mom is dead. My 46 y.o. developmentally disabled brother died suddenly for no apparent reason 2 and a half weeks after my mom died.

I have always cared for others and put their needs first and now everyone is telling me that the challenge for me is to take care of myself.

But I really don't see the point.

*------------------
CAVEATS:
------------------​*I am not looking to start a religious debate here as to who's G-d is best. I will say that I am Jewish and have an extensive parochial school education and knowledge of the Old Testament. I am seeking the input of others who believe in God/Jesus/Mohammad/Higher Power (or whatever you call the spiritual force that runs the world) as to how you cope with a loss of faith when your entire life turns upside down and you're not sure what the point is anymore.

I also *really* don't want to hear that I should count my blessings and stop complaining because so-and-so has it much worse than I do, e.g. has cancer, was molested, is poor/blind/paralyzed etc. etc. and is coping with it all with a smile. Clearly, I know all this objectively, but it doesn't help me cope with my personal pain.

Thank you for listening,
--dontpanic


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## Enchanted

I'm not sure how to help but I want you to know I often contemplate the meaninglessness of life - especially when things go horribly wrong. 

What do you enjoy doing?


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## ChknNoodleSoup

*What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of f*

I can identify with a lot of what you're saying. I was the 'good girl' too. I worked hard at it to please God at the time and my parents. I was very religious and so was stbxh, he was my first kiss and I was his first real LTR. Fast forward 7 years, I lived an emotionally and sexually deprived relationship, thousands of miles away from my family and original set of friends, and he wants out because he's sleeping with his boss. Trust me when I say I don't know why I'm here either. Divorce is bad in my culture, I'll be alone here raising my son. No money, no income, no friends and family. The overwhelming thoughts of it make me want to die or remain married to a PoS man. I'm 31, I don't know what my talents and skills are, I love love love my son but I'm not sure I can be a good mom while so emotionally battered. I think about why I'm here all the time. I feel it's unfair. I never even cheated on a test in my life! 
Your aim? Maybe to take care of your elderly parents and brother. What would they have done without you?
As for what to do now, you're still fairly young. Maybe it's time to focus on just you. I love my son, but it's hard to grieve or relax when I have to take care of a baby! 
It's hard to do, but when I'm feeling religious I keep praying and telling myself God has a plan. I'm here for a reason, personal growth maybe, and I'll make it out ok. Other times I want to die and be done with this because I feel I failed at everything in my life. I don't know if this helps. Sending you big hugs and positive thoughts. It's hard to deal with inner and outer conflict at the same time.


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## 2ntnuf

I am fifty years old and a man, but I identify with much of what you are saying. What is my purpose? My life has become meaningless. 

I am, at the moment, taking things one day at a time. I don't know what else to do. When I am depressed, I do not see any future and that is all I am thinking about. When I am not depressed, I tend to think more about what I am doing today and wonder without dwelling, how that will affect my future.

Sometimes I think there really is no plan. Life is what we make it and we do the best we can. I know, not very hopeful. You have lived your life waiting patiently for others to come around to your way of thinking. Why not try actively going out and finding what you want? 

It is so easy to say this to you. It is so difficult to do, when what I have wanted all my life seems to have been ripped from my hands by someone who was not honest with themselves and wasted my time/life trying to get me to be what they wanted. It is a shame. That person took advantage of my nature and thought I would just become the person they wanted without ever really discussing what she wanted.

I don't know what I want now because of this type of treatment and I have no chance of getting what I worked and prayed to achieve. I can only attempt to come close to my dreams now or leave them behind for new. It becomes a matter of perspective and I have to, once again, reset my goals. At my age that is difficult knowing I was on the cusp of what I wanted and needed and it was torn from my grasp.

Our deceiving spouses may never pay the price for what they have done to us. We live with the scars. Life is tough. It is not the dream we all thought. It is a tough road and we don't have an suv or a map. No gps will help. 

Justice doesn't live in this existence, only perspective. We only have forgiveness. We must find a way to dig deep inside and know we did the best we could. We must forgive ourselves for trusting another imperfect human being. They probably thought as we did. They probably thought we would change. 

The communication was not there for my marriage. I thought we communicated. Who knows where the truth began and the lies ended. Truth is subjective. Find your truth. Live your life from now on.


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## John2012

dontpanic said:


> [For my story, go here]
> 
> I have always cared for others and put their needs first and now everyone is telling me that the challenge for me is to take care of myself.
> 
> But I really don't see the point.
> 
> 
> --dontpanic


See, the above quote is the problem. I'm like you. Always cared for others. By doing so, I lost my own identity. But I'm working slowly and trying to take care of myself. It's very tough to change the nature, especially co-dependency nature but you've to try hard !!!

This is my 2cents.


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## dontpanic

Enchanted said:


> I'm not sure how to help but I want you to know I often contemplate the meaninglessness of life - especially when things go horribly wrong.


Enchanted, I am sorry that you have also felt this pain. It is so hard, but here on TAM at least we can help and support one another.



Enchanted said:


> What do you enjoy doing?


If you asked what I am "good at" or "talented at" I could tell you how I always enjoyed drawing and took art classes in college. I love to sew and design clothes, although I never had the patience to pin patterns and cut them out perfectly and sew perfect seams. I worked in computers and everyone comes to me for tech advice and troubleshooting. I am an excellent data analyst. I was a great student at school and got mostly A's.

But you asked what I enjoy which is a different question. I enjoy feeling needed. I enjoy helping others. I enjoy spending time with children. I enjoy teaching people new things and training people on skills that they never thought they could learn. I enjoy providing good customer service. I enjoy having conversations with friends when you really feel like they "get it". I enjoy curling up with a good mystery novel and a cup of tea. I enjoy playing scrabble with a senior citizen who knows all the scrabble words. I enjoy working hard and seeing the results. I enjoy giving directions to someone standing on a street corner with a confused look on their face and be able to help them and ease their life a little bit.

Now onto what I don't enjoy - or at least am not motivated to do. I don't relish cooking, so cooking only for myself its rlly hard. I am not motivated to go to the gym even though I am obese and know that exercise will improve my depression. I really do not enjoy being alone. I can speed walk 3 miles if I meet with a friend, but can't even get myself out of bed if I have to walk alone.

Does this help answer your question?


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## dontpanic

*Re: What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of f*



ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I can identify with a lot of what you're saying. I was the 'good girl' too. I worked hard at it to please God at the time and my parents. I was very religious and so was stbxh, he was my first kiss and I was his first real LTR.


I totally relate to this. Me and hub were both virgins when we got married.


ChknNoodleSoup said:


> Fast forward 7 years, I lived an emotionally and sexually deprived relationship, thousands of miles away from my family and original set of friends, and he wants out because he's sleeping with his boss. Trust me when I say I don't know why I'm here either. Divorce is bad in my culture, I'll be alone here raising my son. No money, no income, no friends and family. The overwhelming thoughts of it make me want to die or remain married to a PoS man.


I haven't read your story, but I'm sure you know that you need to leave to save yourself, your kid, and your sanity. I know it is not so easy to do.


ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I'm 31, I don't know what my talents and skills are, I love love love my son but I'm not sure I can be a good mom while so emotionally battered. I think about why I'm here all the time. I feel it's unfair. I never even cheated on a test in my life!


You make me simultaneously want to come over to your house and help you leave, while also interviewing you about your skills and stregths so that you can choose a career and restart your life with your son.


ChknNoodleSoup said:


> Your aim? Maybe to take care of your elderly parents and brother. What would they have done without you? As for what to do now, you're still fairly young. Maybe it's time to focus on just you.


Wish I knew how. 


ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I love my son, but it's hard to grieve or relax when I have to take care of a baby!


But you know you can't quit because otherwise the PoS you married will win. If you stay put your son will be raised in an unhealthy environment. Your son needs you so it gives you a reason to live. I'm jealous. 


ChknNoodleSoup said:


> It's hard to do, but when I'm feeling religious I keep praying and telling myself God has a plan. I'm here for a reason, personal growth maybe, and I'll make it out ok. Other times I want to die and be done with this because I feel I failed at everything in my life. I don't know if this helps. Sending you big hugs and positive thoughts. It's hard to deal with inner and outer conflict at the same time.


Thanks ChknNoodle. I really appreciate your moral support. There's nothing like getting divorced as you approach 40 and midlife crisis hits.

I am sending you (((hugs))) and stregth to move on to a better place. Thank you again for sharing.


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## dontpanic

2ntnuf said:


> I am fifty years old and a man, but I identify with much of what you are saying. What is my purpose? My life has become meaningless.
> 
> I am, at the moment, taking things one day at a time. I don't know what else to do. When I am depressed, I do not see any future and that is all I am thinking about.


Yep, that's me



2ntnuf said:


> When I am not depressed, I tend to think more about what I am doing today and wonder without dwelling, how that will affect my future.
> 
> Sometimes I think there really is no plan. Life is what we make it and we do the best we can. I know, not very hopeful. You have lived your life waiting patiently for others to come around to your way of thinking. Why not try actively going out and finding what you want?


Do you have instructions on how I can find what I want? I am so clueless after so many years of concentrating on what STBXH wanted that I lost myself. 

Should I move to a new place? Look for a new career? Abandon my faith? Embrace my faith? Live vicariously though others? Become self-absorbed in my search for fulfillment? How do you take care of yourself and nurture yourself and learn what you enjoy without becoming a self-centered jerk? 



2ntnuf said:


> It is so easy to say this to you. It is so difficult to do, when what I have wanted all my life seems to have been ripped from my hands by someone who was not honest with themselves and wasted my time/life trying to get me to be what they wanted. It is a shame. That person took advantage of my nature and thought I would just become the person they wanted without ever really discussing what she wanted.
> 
> I don't know what I want now because of this type of treatment and I have no chance of getting what I worked and prayed to achieve. I can only attempt to come close to my dreams now or leave them behind for new. It becomes a matter of perspective and I have to, once again, reset my goals. At my age that is difficult knowing I was on the cusp of what I wanted and needed and it was torn from my grasp.
> 
> Our deceiving spouses may never pay the price for what they have done to us. We live with the scars. Life is tough. It is not the dream we all thought. It is a tough road and we don't have an suv or a map. No gps will help.


2ntnuf, I feel exactly the way that you feel and it makes me feel so angry and so helpless. When I say things like this, people tell me "look at how much you did accomplish" or "look at the positive impact that you have had on the world" and I feel like the good that I have done is so small compared to what my goals and dreams were. Aaaarrrgh! Am I in a bad dream. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way!!!

I know that you have goals that you were so close to, but didn't achieve. I am trying to accept that I may never have biological children of my own. That maybe G-d never meant for me to. So what is my legacy? The years I pounded on a computer keyboard in a beige cubicle?



2ntnuf said:


> Justice doesn't live in this existence, only perspective. We only have forgiveness. We must find a way to dig deep inside and know we did the best we could. We must forgive ourselves for trusting another imperfect human being. They probably thought as we did. They probably thought we would change.


I want to find perspective and forgiveness and peace sooo much. When will it come? I have been praying and striving for so long. I just want to get to acceptance.



2ntnuf said:


> The communication was not there for my marriage. I thought we communicated. Who knows where the truth began and the lies ended. Truth is subjective. Find your truth. Live your life from now on.


I know that you are older than I am, but your life is not over yet. If G-d was done with either of us, we would've been hit by a bus, so there must be something more we are supposed to achieve.

Thank you for reminding me to look for my truth. I want you to look for your truth and if possible also look for the joy that there is in the world.

I don't think G-d really enjoys the suffering of his children. It just feels like sometimes you get knocked down one time too many.

2ntnuf, thank you for sharing and good luck to you on your journey.


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## dontpanic

John2012 said:


> See, the above quote is the problem. I'm like you. Always cared for others. By doing so, I lost my own identity. But I'm working slowly and trying to take care of myself. It's very tough to change the nature, especially co-dependency nature but you've to try hard !!!
> 
> This is my 2cents.


John2012 thank you. I am such a textbook co-dependent. If its not too personal, can you share what you mean when you say "trying to take care of myself". What are you actually doing? I don't know where to start....


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## 2ntnuf

dontpanic said:


> Yep, that's me
> 
> 
> Do you have instructions on how I can find what I want? I am so clueless after so many years of concentrating on what STBXH wanted that I lost myself.
> 
> You made a good start making that list. Maybe you can narrow it down by combining what you are good at, what you already know and giving care or teaching? Sounds like you would like to teach kids who are handicapped? I can't pick for you, though. Not sure what I am doing next. I know I get closer as the depression clears.
> 
> Should I move to a new place? Look for a new career? Abandon my faith? Embrace my faith? Live vicariously though others? Become self-absorbed in my search for fulfillment? How do you take care of yourself and nurture yourself and learn what you enjoy without becoming a self-centered jerk?
> 
> 
> 2ntnuf, I feel exactly the way that you feel and it makes me feel so angry and so helpless. When I say things like this, people tell me "look at how much you did accomplish" or "look at the positive impact that you have had on the world" and I feel like the good that I have done is so small compared to what my goals and dreams were. Aaaarrrgh! Am I in a bad dream. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way!!!
> 
> I hear a lot of that too. I don't think folks understand how deeply depressed we are at times. They mean well annd they can't decide for us.
> 
> I know that you have goals that you were so close to, but didn't achieve. I am trying to accept that I may never have biological children of my own. That maybe G-d never meant for me to. So what is my legacy? The years I pounded on a computer keyboard in a beige cubicle?
> 
> I know this will mean much less and you will stand a greater chance of finding that legacy, if you get started doing something. This is advice for me as much as you.
> 
> 
> I want to find perspective and forgiveness and peace sooo much. When will it come? I have been praying and striving for so long. I just want to get to acceptance.
> 
> You will accept yourself once you forgive yourself. You must let all of the crap go. I was raised RCath. and we had confession. I hated it, pretty much. Do you have a way to sort of talk to someone who represents G-d? I think we have to "confess" or let go of all of the bad stuff inside to be able to forgive. I haven't been to confession, but I have talked many times and been angry and told him so. I think it is cleansing.
> 
> 
> I know that you are older than I am, but your life is not over yet. If G-d was done with either of us, we would've been hit by a bus, so there must be something more we are supposed to achieve.
> 
> There is more. We will find it.
> 
> Thank you for reminding me to look for my truth. I want you to look for your truth and if possible also look for the joy that there is in the world.
> 
> I try every day.
> 
> I don't think G-d really enjoys the suffering of his children. It just feels like sometimes you get knocked down one time too many.
> 
> I don't think He stops it either. I don't know right now what he does.  I am trying to believe in the good.
> 
> 2ntnuf, thank you for sharing and good luck to you on your journey.


Maybe you should look into this: "Codependent No More", by Melodie Beatty

Also, there is a book called: "Boundaries", by John Townsend 

I hope I spelled all of that right.  You will find them if you want.

Edit: Another book I found which looks interesting, SA posted this: http://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427


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## Chopsy

I feel alot like you. Married 12 years, now separated while H bangs his posOW. No children, I am unable to have kids due to a medical condition tho I did try fertility treatment until I couldn't take it anymore. I never had a proper career, which seems pathetic at my age (48), so am currently unemployed thinking who the hell is ever going to hire me. It sucks. and I am so depressed I would never get out of bed if it wasn't for my dogs. I don't know what I believe anymore. I lean more the Buddhist way of things. I'm sorry you're struggling but I do believe your destiny and mine MUST be bigger than this. as 2nutnuf said, we haven't been hit by a bus yet. You (and I) have to find meaning in ourselves and the lives we make. Although it may not feel like it, and I understand if you think this is a load of crap, you have an opportunity to remake your life and become the person you always wanted to be. Keep posting. wish I could offer some magical solution. just keep getting up and doing what makes you happy.


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## moxy

*What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of f*

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I sympathize a lot with what you've said.

Your purpose in life is to enjoy what you have in front of you; that's what I think. God gave you both gifts and obstacles and it's kind of like being given a set of crafts objects but also a set of constraints and then having a pile of time to make whatever you can out of it. You've done a marvelous job of being the good girl assisting everyone around you and now it's your chance to make something fun and lovely, too.

I know you probably feel broken hearted and lost, but you can still have those things you want. You can adopt or freeze some eggs or hire a surrogate or do IVF and have a child of your own. You could find another partner based on compatibility of ideals rather than romantic love. You could travel or take up an art or do done kind of service or missionary work. I think you should try and imagine what one thing is that might make you feel good about yourself and start there.

39 is young enough to have the things you've been traditionally told you ought to have, if you want them. It's also young enough to start over, if you prefer. I'm 35 and feeling a lot of the same things; I gave my husband my best and most reproductively potent years and now Im heartbroken and alone, in a lot if ways. Sometimes it just sucks. No return on the investment kinda feeling, betrayed by what you believed in kinda feeling. But, don't give up. You'll find your purpose if you seek it.

Can you join a faith group or something like that? Are you seeing a counselor? Hang in there.


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## dontpanic

2ntnuf said:


> Maybe you should look into this: "Codependent No More", by Melodie Beatty


I know I should read it. Its still on my dresser in my bedroom. I have read parts. I have also considered going to a CODA meeting



2ntnuf said:


> Also, there is a book called: "Boundaries", by John Townsend
> 
> I hope I spelled all of that right. You will find them if you want.


I haven't heard of Boundaries, so thanks for the recommendation



2ntnuf said:


> Edit: Another book I found which looks interesting, SA posted this: Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway: Susan Jeffers: 9780345487421: Amazon.com: Books


I heard of this one years ago but haven't read it. I will see if they have it at my library. Thanks again for your help


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## 2ntnuf

Quote: You could find another partner based on compatibility of ideals rather than romantic love.

Moxy,

I don't understand this. Can you explain it, please? Why find another partner based only on ideals?


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## moxy

*What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of f*



2ntnuf said:


> Quote: You could find another partner based on compatibility of ideals rather than romantic love.
> 
> Moxy,
> 
> I don't understand this. Can you explain it, please? Why find another partner based only on ideals?


Because romance is such an overwhelming and daunting concept after being the good girl and doing it all right and still having it fall apart. Being with a person who has the same ideals and values would probably lead to romantic love, too. Sometimes, the idea of finding another big love just feels like too big a risk after something like this, so this way, it could catch you unaware and have the added bonus of not clouding judgement about shared values. It's like the small bit of hope that might well lead to something better than you could have imagined, something you won't be closed off and resistant to because heartbreak is hanging heavy overhead....


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## moxy

*What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of f*

Of course, if you are searching for romance, I'd say go for it! Not everyone has the same hang-ups as me and I spoke from what made sense to me. Personally, DDay scared me away from real intimacy (don't trust my judgement when feelings are involved, anymore) and also from romance (which feels false) and so I can't think about that possibility without feeling like I've been buried alive (these days anyway). If it crept up on me unaware, Id be less likely to run from it. Betrayal messes some people up for a while.


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## dontpanic

Chopsy, thanks for your support



Chopsy said:


> I never had a proper career, which seems pathetic at my age (48), so am currently unemployed thinking who the hell is ever going to hire me.


The best quote that I have heard about this is: “Your vocation in life is where your greatest joy meets the world's greatest need.“ (Frederick Buechner, theologian)



Chopsy said:


> It sucks. and I am so depressed I would never get out of bed if it wasn't for my dogs.


LOL! all i have been talking about for months is getting a dog. the issue is, I don't know if I could handle such a huge 24/7 responsibility all by myself. We had a dog when i was little, but my dad took care of walking it and my mom fed it. i really want to spend time at some local shelters so I can get a better idea if its a good choice for me. I was even thinking of fostering so that I could try it out before I get one of my own. i don't really know what kind of dog would be good for me.




Chopsy said:


> I don't know what I believe anymore. I lean more the Buddhist way of things.


I don't know much about Buddhism. Do they think there's any point to this endless hamster wheel of life?



Chopsy said:


> I'm sorry you're struggling but I do believe your destiny and mine MUST be bigger than this. as 2nutnuf said, we haven't been hit by a bus yet. You (and I) have to find meaning in ourselves and the lives we make. Although it may not feel like it, and I understand if you think this is a load of crap, you have an opportunity to remake your life and become the person you always wanted to be. Keep posting. wish I could offer some magical solution. just keep getting up and doing what makes you happy.


I'm rooting for you too. Hang in there.


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## 2ntnuf

Thanks Moxy. I was curious because I've heard that before and didn't understand. I also wasn't ready till now to hear the explanation.

Thanks for letting me get that explanation, dontpanic.


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## dontpanic

*Re: What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of f*

Moxy, thank you for your post.



moxy said:


> I'm sorry you're in this situation. I sympathize a lot with what you've said.
> 
> Your purpose in life is to enjoy what you have in front of you; that's what I think. God gave you both gifts and obstacles and it's kind of like being given a set of crafts objects but also a set of constraints and then having a pile of time to make whatever you can out of it.


I just got an image of a crafting reality show where contestants are given strange items to transform into something beautiful in a limited amount of time. i love it! reality tv as an analogy for life



moxy said:


> You've done a marvelous job of being the good girl assisting everyone around you and now it's your chance to make something fun and lovely, too.


That is part of my problem. i felt that I always tried really hard and succeeded to some degree to help those around me, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't save my parents from their poverty and bad life choices. I couldn't save my mother from starving herself to death. i couldn't save my brother from dying (there was medical error involved, but (of course) nothing we can make $ on.) I couldn't save my marriage and if I beleive half of what my husband says managed to miss the fact that he was desperately unhappy for 10 years. Now that I am losing my hub, i feel like I didn't appreciate him and enjoy him enough when i had him. He was kind to me and i took him for granted until he checked out. i feel like one big humongous failure.



moxy said:


> I know you probably feel broken hearted and lost, but you can still have those things you want. You can adopt or freeze some eggs or hire a surrogate or do IVF and have a child of your own. You could find another partner based on compatibility of ideals rather than romantic love.


Yes, I feel lost and adrift. i thought about IVF, but I really believe that ideally a child needs two parents and i don't think I could handle it alone. I thought about freezing eggs, but it feels like if G-d wanted me to have kids I would have so I shouldn't go crazy with medical technology. I feel like I will never get over my STBXH and have experienced so much pain since he withdrew emotionally from me that i can't even imagine dating again. And when we were 22 and 23, we *did* share ideals along with the romance. The problem was that when push came to shove and reality hit, he believed in those ideals in theory, but couldn't handle them in reality. i am so burned 



moxy said:


> You could travel or take up an art or do done kind of service or missionary work. I think you should try and imagine what one thing is that might make you feel good about yourself and start there.


This is an excellent and concrete suggestion. i need to think on it some more to see how to implement it. I did start volunteering with a senior citizen twice a week.



moxy said:


> 39 is young enough to have the things you've been traditionally told you ought to have, if you want them. It's also young enough to start over, if you prefer. I'm 35 and feeling a lot of the same things; I gave my husband my best and most reproductively potent years and now Im heartbroken and alone, in a lot if ways. Sometimes it just sucks. No return on the investment kinda feeling, betrayed by what you believed in kinda feeling. But, don't give up. You'll find your purpose if you seek it.


I'm with you. I could have said everything that you described. But in our culture (on TV, media, etc) the focus is on Youth as the ultimate ideal. 40 is ancient - you should get surgery so you don't look your age. I am reading books about midlife and feel better knowing that people can change their lives at age 40 or 50 or 60 and really learn to be happy.



moxy said:


> Can you join a faith group or something like that? Are you seeing a counselor? Hang in there.


I have a rabbi and a synogogue/community. The rabbi gives classes but i have been so blah that I haven't made enough of an effort to attend this winter. I am going to my therapist - she is the only stable thing in my life right now.

Moxy - I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful suggestions. TAM is the only place where I feel that people understand. All of the divorcees that I have met in my community have kids and coparent with their ex. This means that they have something to "show" for 10 or 15 years of marriage. it is typical for them to say, "my marriage was terrible/I hate my ex, but at least I have these wonderful children".

So where I'm coming from is, what if you don't? All I have are my memories and regrets and if-only's...


----------



## moxy

*Re: What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of f*



dontpanic said:


> So where I'm coming from is, what if you don't? All I have are my memories and regrets and if-only's...


Me, too, dontpanic. I understand completely. 

More on the rest later. I just wanted to say another thing really quickly. We are only open to what we can bear and we cannot get more than we are open to. In order to get big, we do have to take big risks. Sometimes, that is really scary -- especially when having given so much and essentially emotionally starving oneself so that at the low point, there's no help. You won't take risks until you're ready to take them, but you can listen to your soul speaking about what it needs and question whether your reservations about moving toward change is coming from fear, from unreadiness, uncertainty, or just habit.

There's a book I would recommend to you that I read and found useful (along with the Townsend and the "Codependent No More" by Beaty -- I don't know the Fear one that was listed, but I will check it out, too). "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.

I suspect that people like you and me and others of us in this situation who have given a lot to others and gotten basically screwed over in return have possibly been looking to earn love or earn the permission to be free. Maybe, by being good enough a helper to get others settled, we can then earn the right and freedom to take care of ourselves. We put the mask on the kid next to us on the plane before ourselves; in that way, many of us who fall into the codependency zone tend to feel responsible for helping others out of their troubles and don't feel free to get on with our lives or to be selfish until others are taken care of -- and then, we kinda hope that we will all get to happily enjoy good things together. But, we emotionally sacrifice along the way in the hopes of this and we end up not only starving ourselves, emotionally and spiritually, but enabling the weaknesses of others inadvertently because they come to rely on us instead of themselves. I don't know if it is that way for you, but this is what I'm thinking at the moment. Also, I don't think anyone can give us that permission for freedom because it comes from God and by virtue of being alive, we have that permission already, whether others recognize it or not. No matter how much we give or don't give, we still have the same right to freedom of self and we all have a need for love -- it's up to us to figure out how we find it though and many of us find potholes and pitfalls on that path.

It wasn't your job to save your family from their fates. It wasn't your job to keep the marriage afloat, either. You didn't fail any of them. A marriage isn't a thing that you gave to your husband as a gift that you had to maintain, it's a bond that you both built together -- some of which was strong and some of which wasn't. He's claiming that he's unhappy and has been for ten years; well...it wasn't your job to mind-read and figure out how to make him happy and fix it, it was his own job to tell you what the issue was for him so that maybe you could both fix it and he did not. So, he failed you and he failed your marriage on that count. Maybe you had flaws, too. I'm sure you did just as he did because we are all human. However, a marriage is a bond that requires continual energy input. It's like a bank account that needs to be filled or a battery that needs to get charged; you're both beneficiaries, the marriage is one resource available for both parties, and if both don't contribute, there's not going to be enough for both to take. It's not your fault. It's just the way it is right now. So don't blame yourself for not being good enough. You were good enough. You deserve better than you got.


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## Mr Blunt

> Quote of dontpanic
> I want to find perspective and forgiveness and peace sooo much. When will it come? I have been praying and striving for so long. I just want to get to acceptance.


You have lost your brother, your mom, and now you are separated or divorced. No wonder your life seems without purpose.

I will tell you little about mu perspective, forgiveness, and Peace then maybe something in my life will help.

Perspective 
I did not have much of a perspective at age 39 I just lived life and took advantage of anything that fell my way. I had a full ride to college at age 18, no work just college, even a new car to boot. I had no perspective except the perspective of a teen ager those lives for the moment and excitement and fun was the goal. In my 20s I got a rude awaking as I wound up working in a cotton gin then in machine shop with no heating or cooling and I hated both jobs and worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. I had no perspective but God helped me for some reason. After my 30s I got a much better perspective.


Forgiveness 
I did not know what true forgiveness was. If I got hurt I would just would run from the hurt. However in my late 30s I could not run. I got hurt, tried the protection mode, then the legal mode, then scarred and humbled, as a last resort I was drawn to seek God. I did not go to some mountain and have a dramatic experience; I just became thirsty for His protection and blessings. I was pliable for a change and did what I thought pleased Him. Failed then got back up and tried again, then failed, got back up, and God saw that I was trying for real.

Peace 
The more I tried to please God the more peace I got. In fact the most peace and assurance I had was when I was in a lot of emotional pain. As the years went by my emotional pain got a lot better but the Peace was not quite as strong.

Now back to your situation. I am not a shrink so I am just going to guess as to your forgiveness statement. You have done some introspection and feel that you have failed your husband and/or maybe you’re other family members. The fact that you feel that your life seems to have no meaning and that God just is not what you thought He was probably has something to do with it.


All I can tell you is that when I was down God seemed to make His presence felt at times. I have come to value His word after I have made it through some real tough times. I know that it was not me that brought me through my dark days. God let me pursue my own strength and other people that I thought would rescue me and after I got so dejected that I just hung my head in despair then God finally showed up for me. It was not like the red sea parted or the earth shook and I heard a loud voice from the heavens. Things gradually started changing and got a lot better. Nothing real dramatic but just gradual changes that eventually helped me so much. The help that God did has not been weeks or months but decades. In fact they are still with me today. 

*I think the main issue was that I had to accept whatever God allowed to happen and just hold on to my tiny mustard seed of faith.* That was about all I could do. Since you mentioned peace and forgiveness I want to give you a few scriptures that deal with those subjects. Here they are below:


"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, 
whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee."
-- *Isaiah 26:3*

I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted."
*Isaiah 43:25-26*


"The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him."
*Daniel 9:9*

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." 
*Psalm 103:12*

*Hebrews 11:6*
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him


Dontpanic
Your God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob is also my God. He is such a good God and wants us to:

*Matthew 22:37*
New International Version (©1984)
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'

I also believe that Jesus is the son of God whom God raised from the grave on the third day.


----------



## ChknNoodleSoup

*Re: What's my purpose in life? 39 yr old female, stb divorced, no kids [crisis of f*



dontpanic said:


> I totally relate to this. Me and hub were both virgins when we got married.
> 
> I haven't read your story, but I'm sure you know that you need to leave to save yourself, your kid, and your sanity. I know it is not so easy to do.
> 
> You make me simultaneously want to come over to your house and help you leave, while also interviewing you about your skills and stregths so that you can choose a career and restart your life with your son.
> 
> Wish I knew how.
> 
> But you know you can't quit because otherwise the PoS you married will win. If you stay put your son will be raised in an unhealthy environment. Your son needs you so it gives you a reason to live. I'm jealous.
> 
> Thanks ChknNoodle. I really appreciate your moral support. There's nothing like getting divorced as you approach 40 and midlife crisis hits.
> 
> I am sending you (((hugs))) and stregth to move on to a better place. Thank you again for sharing.


Thank you for your thoughtful, detailed and encouraging responses.


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## sandc

Okay, I'm not Jewish, but I'm quite fond of your God. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

So why are you here? You are here to glorify God. Same reason we are all here. How do you do that? Heck if I know. Do you still seek Him? Do you talk to him daily? Not with lofty sounding prayers but with crying, sobbing, pleading, nose running anguish kind of prayers? Have you shouted at Him? Have you completely thrown yourself on His mercy?

I was at a very low point in my life. I won't go into how low but it was VERY low. I did all of the above and though the answer didn't come overnight, the answer did come. Not the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything (yes I noticed you have the answer already) but the answer to whether or not I should continue. And I did. And life has become amazing because I gave up and threw myself on God's mercy.

I'd like to recommend a book to you. You can buy it or you can download it for free. It's called, When I Don't Desire God by John Piper. You can get it here:
When I Don't Desire God by John Piper How to Fight for Joy - Desiring God

Shalom.


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## Mr Blunt

> Quote of Sandc
> So why are you here? You are here to glorify God. Same reason we are all here. How do you do that? Heck if I know


*Sandc is right! I do not know all the ways to glorify God but one is to SEEK him and another is to OBEY Him, and a third is to just hold on to your faith in Him.*



> Quote of Sandc
> And life has become amazing because I gave up and threw myself on God's mercy.


That looks like Sandc did SEEK, did OBEY, and held on to his faith that God would have mercy

Matthew 22:37
New International Version (©1984)
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'

Sandc has said something that is really true. However, I do have a hard time always glorifying God. I either get bogged down with my troubles or get caught up in my pleasures. When the troubles get real serious I remember God real quick.

What SandC said really is one of the themes of Job. I am a very far cry from Job but that does not change the truth as to what one of our purposes is here on earth.


*Dontpanic, I actually see you glorifying God.* You are in a lot of pain and despair yet you come to this forum seeking spiritual help. That means that you are holding on to your mustard seed of faith. I know it is not popular but pain is part of life and can be used to drive us to God and a deeper faith. That is when we prove our faith


As to how do I cope with a loss of faith, I struggle a lot, then when I get to the fork in the road, I tell my self that i am going to cast my lot with God. I do not feel like it, I tell myself to just hold on as time can make things more clear and better, and I remind myself that faith is not having my troubles taken away immediately but either accepting them or keeping alive the hope that my troubles will be worked out for good in the end.

*Finally, I remember God’s answer about building faith; “Faith cometh by hearing”*

I never used to like to hear things like sandc and I have said but after being so shaken up in life to the point of despair, I found that God was my only hope. I thought that I could handle it, then I thought my friends and money could handle it, and when I was defeated on all fronts, I finally gave God a shot. *Thank God He is so understanding of a doubting Thomas!*


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## debster

dontpanic said:


> I truly do not know what G-d was thinking in putting me on this earth. I know that I have friends and neighbors and family that care about me and support me. But I feel aimless - as if the dissolution of my marriage has set me completely adrift. The plan that I had for my life didn't pan out and I don't have a Plan B.
> 
> I just plain don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried my hardest my entire life to be a "good girl", be kind, do the right thing, be a good wife and the payoff is that I am now alone and unfulfilled. I can't understand how this happened to my life and what I am supposed to do for the next 39 years.





dontpanic said:


> I am seeking the input of others who believe in God/Jesus/Mohammad/Higher Power (or whatever you call the spiritual force that runs the world) as to how you cope with a loss of faith when your entire life turns upside down and you're not sure what the point is anymore.
> 
> I also *really* don't want to hear that I should count my blessings and stop complaining because so-and-so has it much worse than I do, e.g. has cancer, was molested, is poor/blind/paralyzed etc. etc. and is coping with it all with a smile. Clearly, I know all this objectively, but it doesn't help me cope with my personal pain.
> 
> Thank you for listening,
> --dontpanic


First, let me offer my support while you are going through this difficult time to find meaning and happiness in your life.

Recently, this was posted in our Church bulletin, which I found helpful.

Why does God
permit suffering?
A. The presence of suffering in the world is a mystery
that we will not fully understand until the final
judgment, but Holy Scripture and the teaching of
the Church can shed some light on it. Consider the
following points:
(1) While God is not the cause of evil and suffering, He
permits these afflictions in order to draw some good
out of them. For instance, out of the suffering and
death of Jesus came eternal salvation. If Jesus did not
die on the cross, we could not get to heaven.
(2) In his Apostolic Letter On the Christian Meaning of
Human Suffering, Pope John Paul II said that
“suffering is present in the world in order to release
love, in order to give birth to works of love toward
neighbour, in order to transform the whole of human
civilization into a civilization of love.” Thus suffering
can be beneficial if it stirs us in a spirit of compassion,
love, and sacrifice toward others. This has been
clearly evidenced in the out-pouring of support for the
people suffering from the aftermath of natural
disasters by the people of this Parish, and indeed the
whole world.
(3) Patient suffering can prepare us for the life to come.
If we suffer with Christ, says St. Paul, we will be
“glorified with him. I consider the sufferings of the
present to be as nothing compared with the glory to
be revealed in us” (Romans 8:17-18).

While I realize you are not Christian, I thought the second point speaks to you from what you have described of being a natural caregiver.

And especially since you have done so much already, being obedient and caring of others, being human, it is only natural to want to say "It is enough, I'm tired or jaded". Sometimes when we are just over the top with everything, we just want to give up all our faith, because we see no point. However, then we realize, there is nothing in our current life to cling to, except our faith. Now is the time to dig in so deep. Initially to help with personal pain, followed by a time for growth and renewal. Don't turn your back on this opportunity. 

While we cannot know what plans God has in store for you, I think you are right that your purpose is not complete. Can you put your trust in him to lead and show you the way? Can you obtain any solace or even motivation by thinking, maybe he has even bigger plans for you than what you previously aspired to? Let this guide your prayers, but don't give in to ego, and say thy will be done. Give over to him completely, but also be prepared to listen. 

Been there, done that, now wearing the T-shirt  {Big Hugs}


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## FryFish

> i don't really know what kind of dog would be good for me.


 well, if you are anything like me, and judging from your handle/avatar you are, You should get a coli/lab mix...

And maybe go reread the hitchhikers guide... You dont need a direction.


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## dontpanic

Thank you all so much for your responses, insights and encouragement. I need to re-read and think over all everyone has said before I respond, but in the meantime - THANK YOU!


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## Chopsy

Thinking of you today dont panic. Hugs


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## dontpanic

Chopsy said:


> Thinking of you today dont panic. Hugs


Thanks, Chopsy. I appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

Me too 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 28down

Keep your eyes on HIM and he will direct your path and give you the desires of your heart, problem is "we" can't see or know the BIG picture.


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## Kettlebells21

I skimmed to see if anyone else already posted these, but as a big book and movie lover, and spiritual seeker in a marital hell all my own (male), I just wanted to mention the book Eat, Pray, Love (not the movie version), and the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. You may find some nuggets in there to help lighten your spirit and make a step or two forward in understanding. Good luck to you, you sound like a wonderful person, I wish you much peace.


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## southernsurf

1 Kings 19: 11-14
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChriChri123

Hello,
dontpanic! I am in your shoes. It has been quite a while since you last posted the original thread. Regardless, I so need support and wonder how you are faring now. It is very hard as I feel like a failure because I wanted children and still do although time is not on my side. All my close friends and I were trying at the same time, only I ended up divorced. Now that they have children I feel like I cannot even really talk to them. People don't like talking about divorce. I gave up my career path for my "wasband". I am educated i just feel like I am over the hill and that I am qualified to do not much. I have not worked in the 9-5 capacity ever. I have worked, just not in an office setting and I am 40. Everything, I listen to and watch, our society basically tells me, I am not "part of". OK, that is how I feel. Even my womenizing father, makes me feel like an "Old Maid". I know, I am not but this is a difficult period for me. I hope we can connect or you can let me know how you are doing, now that some time has passed. Thank you for posting your situation and letting me know I am not alone because it sure feels like it. I know everyone has their own process but some sort of comradery would really help.
Best Regards
ChriChri


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## dontpanic

Hi, ChriChri123 -
Thanks for your post and response. Although I appreciate the many responses that I received, I am still struggling with these issues. I miss my STBXH greatly, feel a lot of loneliness and what-ifs. I also will feel really stupid if he uses all that he learned from our relationship and goes off and has kids with someone else.

With regard to friends, I have certainly been gravitating to my more sympathetic married friends (although they don't *really* understand) and distancing myself from friends who can't "be there" for me right now. I have also made efforts to make friends with other divorced women that have really paid off. I now am much friendlier with two divorcees I knew from when I was married (I realize now that I was no where near sympathetic enough to their plight) and have also made a new friend who is a divorcee.

I am also trying to spend time with my nieces and nephews and friend's kids (doing homework, bike riding, reading stories) so at least someone can benefit from my nurturing instinct even if I do not have kids of my own.

With regard to your career, you are really not "over-the-hill". I get that biologically there is a certain time when a woman can no longer have children of her own. However, with jobs, people re-train and switch careers all the time - you just have to be open to learn new things. I know a man who was a professor for most of his life until his wife died from a very painful cancer and then, at 58, he trained to become a social worker to help people who had terminally ill relatives. The key with finding the right job is to figure out what you enjoy doing that someone will pay you for. Or, if not "enjoy", at least are competent at. You may want to speak to a job coach who can help you focus on your skills, natural strengths, and interests. 

I also really relate to what you are saying about not being "part of" society. On that front I am trying to: 
1) meditate and be positive (yoga and deep breathing and positive affirmations about all the things I am grateful for all really help)
2) Tune out the negative messages in society about 40 being "over the hill" and the messages in my community that alienate/stigmatize those who are not married or don't have kids
3) Keep busy and take control of things that I can do instead of focusing on all of the things that I can't do and control. And then try to feel good about what I've accomplished.

I am struggling every day and some days are worse than others, but overall - slowly, slowly - I think things are moving up for me.

Believe me when I say I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. I wish I could tell you "don't feel like a failure - things will get better". But the truth is change and growth is slow and hard and no one can walk your road for you. But it does certainly help to have some company on the way.

I haven't posted to TAM in a while but feel free to PM me if you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on.

Good luck,
dontpanic


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## sandc

40? Over the hill? Women just start getting interesting at 40! They are confident, comfortable in their own skin, don't play mind games, and are not ashamed of seeking and giving pleasure! I love my over-40 wife! She's worth 5 20-somethings!

Glad you are hanging in there dontpanic. Because you stand to inherit life, the universe, and everything.


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## eyuop

We are around the same age. Thank you for sharing. You sound like a very amazing woman; intelligent, beautiful and brave. You are facing situations that are some of the most difficult a person can face in this life. I'm sorry to hear about all of the loss you have been dealing with -- it makes my own heart ache hearing you pour out yours. I don't understand all that you are going through, but I sure feel it through your words.

I've been going through a book that could really help you right now in this transitional time of your life. It is called "Search for Significance":
The Search For Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes: Robert S. McGee: 9780849944246: Amazon.com: Books

The first thing you need to know -- really need to know -- is that you are loved. You really are. Heck, I'm just some random guy out there on the internet but when I read what you wrote I can tell very quickly that you have an amazing heart and a deep capacity to love. The woman typing on the keyboard at the other end of this conversation is truly loved. You are a daughter of YWHW, and both He and I would love to see you truly smile again and really show the world just how much you have to offer to so many people! 

Jesus said this to you:
"“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28- 

He prayed for you, too:

“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.

“I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!

“O righteous Father, the world doesn’t know you, but I do; and these disciples know you sent me. I have revealed you to them, and I will continue to do so. Then your love for me will be in them, and I will be in them.” John 17:20-25

This is my prayer for you, too. That you will find true significance as a daughter of the King of Kings. 

Shalom!


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## FormerSelf

I'm feeling very similar in my situation...turning 39 this year...wife insisting on divorce. So different that what I thought things were going to be for us. We met in church...very much involved in ministry. But priorities shifted as wife and I weren't on the same page with my desire to pursue further into my theological studies. At the same time, she seemed to have a depth and connection with God more than I...but could turn on a dime and just react to life in fear and insecurity. Being very young marrieds, I was ready for marriage, just not prepared...my wife I realize now was never plain ready. I have felt the hand of God move us along, provide for us, and intervene so often in answered prayer...but my wife nowhere shares that perception and had been living a secret life of sex addiction almost the entire time we've been married. This has been a huge buildup of anxiety these nearly sixteen years, with no children, and lots of arrested development. When she said today she made up her mind for sure that she wanted a divorce...I just felt a mix of horror and relief. Horror for facing a great fear...feeling like I failed to live up to something that was so important to me, but relieved because I have not been happy or carefree for such a long time.


----------



## eyuop

FormerSelf said:


> I'm feeling very similar in my situation...turning 39 this year...wife insisting on divorce. So different that what I thought things were going to be for us. We met in church...very much involved in ministry. But priorities shifted as wife and I weren't on the same page with my desire to pursue further into my theological studies. At the same time, she seemed to have a depth and connection with God more than I...but could turn on a dime and just react to life in fear and insecurity. Being very young marrieds, I was ready for marriage, just not prepared...my wife I realize now was never plain ready. I have felt the hand of God move us along, provide for us, and intervene so often in answered prayer...but my wife nowhere shares that perception and had been living a secret life of sex addiction almost the entire time we've been married. This has been a huge buildup of anxiety these nearly sixteen years, with no children, and lots of arrested development. When she said today she made up her mind for sure that she wanted a divorce...I just felt a mix of horror and relief. Horror for facing a great fear...feeling like I failed to live up to something that was so important to me, but relieved because I have not been happy or carefree for such a long time.


Going out on a long limb here, but she sounds to me like someone who was abused sexually, and she has chosen to act out her wounds this way. She probably is quite confused about healthy intimacy and needs some counseling. Just my first reaction, since I've seen this before in someone else I know and it sounds very similar to your situation.

You don't need to respond to this post (confirm or deny). I'm just saying this because I want you to be aware that there might be something going on (or something that has gone on) you haven't been aware of contributing to her behavior.


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## FormerSelf

eyuop said:


> Going out on a long limb here, but she sounds to me like someone who was abused sexually.


Yeah, you hit the nail on the head...and yeah, I've known about it for a long time. It was largely unaddressed for a long time, but surfaced when she broke down one day and confessed that she hated sex...and just couldn't handle it. But she wasn't at the state to admit she was totally into porn, online sex, etc. I figured her issues were about her childhood...but she did her best to convince herself and I that she was resilient enough to cope because she was so high-functioning (two Masters Degrees), but I had no idea she had been secretly self-medicating. I still don't know everything I'm sure, but when she demanded a separation abruptly with zero logic...it all came together when I discovered she was having online affairs. Bottoming out to near-suicide, she finally went to counseling, diagnosed PTSD, joined SA, relapsed a couple times ready to fly off to California to meet up with OM, but stopped in time...but again relapsed very recently...getting into another EA online. She says she is committed to getting help, but is pointing to our particular dysfunctions as the culprit, which I can't invalidate, but I aggressively worked on these things while she did nothing, still avoiding intimacy and attachment...she would rather I be a dominant brute who can absolve her of any emotional work while she can still hold the power card. She grew frustrated because she knew I wasn't going to go along with attempts to re-traumatize her to help her to master her issues...and she just put up major indicators of complete sexual disinterest and then sought online affairs with poor saps who could marginally function in the role of a dominant she so fantasizes about. She's threatened divorce so many times, that this time I handled it very well, but I think it is because I am tired of this. Still I told her it is not what I want, but I will not hold her hostage and that if she wants out and gives me papers, I will sign them. I don't even know what to pray for anymore...two weeks ago I wanted this to work out and now I am relieved. Not scared anymore of a future without her.

Apologies to the OP, for my off-topic ramble. Still fresh. My relationship with God is what has always held me together and what will bring me through this...and although I once thought divorce is a forbidden no-no in God's plan, it is something I realize I have been unable to avoid...that I know wholeness awaits on the other side of this wall...God is with me now and will be with me tomorrow. This might sound funny, but without even knowing the situation...some woman who prayed for me a couple years ago about my marital woes randomly said that it took Jacob 14 years of work to get Rachel (and I had actually had been married 14 years at the time without her knowledge). Will there be an actual Rachel in my future? Who knows...all I do know is that I am ready to graduate from this...work on myself and my relationship with God...be a healthy person who will attract healthy relationships.


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## eyuop

FormerSelf said:


> Yeah, you hit the nail on the head...and yeah, I've known about it for a long time. It was largely unaddressed for a long time, but surfaced when she broke down one day and confessed that she hated sex...and just couldn't handle it. But she wasn't at the state to admit she was totally into porn, online sex, etc. I figured her issues were about her childhood...but she did her best to convince herself and I that she was resilient enough to cope because she was so high-functioning (two Masters Degrees), but I had no idea she had been secretly self-medicating. I still don't know everything I'm sure, but when she demanded a separation abruptly with zero logic...it all came together when I discovered she was having online affairs. Bottoming out to near-suicide, she finally went to counseling, diagnosed PTSD, joined SA, relapsed a couple times ready to fly off to California to meet up with OM, but stopped in time...but again relapsed very recently...getting into another EA online. She says she is committed to getting help, but is pointing to our particular dysfunctions as the culprit, which I can't invalidate, but I aggressively worked on these things while she did nothing, still avoiding intimacy and attachment...she would rather I be a dominant brute who can absolve her of any emotional work while she can still hold the power card. She grew frustrated because she knew I wasn't going to go along with attempts to re-traumatize her to help her to master her issues...and she just put up major indicators of complete sexual disinterest and then sought online affairs with poor saps who could marginally function in the role of a dominant she so fantasizes about. She's threatened divorce so many times, that this time I handled it very well, but I think it is because I am tired of this. Still I told her it is not what I want, but I will not hold her hostage and that if she wants out and gives me papers, I will sign them. I don't even know what to pray for anymore...two weeks ago I wanted this to work out and now I am relieved. Not scared anymore of a future without her.
> 
> Apologies to the OP, for my off-topic ramble. Still fresh. My relationship with God is what has always held me together and what will bring me through this...and although I once thought divorce is a forbidden no-no in God's plan, it is something I realize I have been unable to avoid...that I know wholeness awaits on the other side of this wall...God is with me now and will be with me tomorrow. This might sound funny, but without even knowing the situation...some woman who prayed for me a couple years ago about my marital woes randomly said that it took Jacob 14 years of work to get Rachel (and I had actually had been married 14 years at the time without her knowledge). Will there be an actual Rachel in my future? Who knows...all I do know is that I am ready to graduate from this...work on myself and my relationship with God...be a healthy person who will attract healthy relationships.


That's what I thought. We will see what God does in both of your lives in the future. She needs some real healing and there are no quick fixes for what she has gone through. Whatever happens with your relationship, my advice is for you to find your strength in the One who loves you more than you could ever imagine.


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## Rev. Clonn

The purpose of life is to live it.
Can you name one thing you have always wanted to do? then can you do it? Plan today, then plan tomorrow, then you can learn to plan next week, month year. But for now plan today, live today and repeat. Soon you will be able to do more. Right now you are emotionally a newborn, you need to learn and develop before you can crawl, walk and run. I will pray for you, God doesn't abandon you.


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## dontpanic

I haven't visited TAM in almost 11 months. 

I hope @Former Self is doing better in his situation. I am so sorry for you that you had to deal with your wife's sex addiction and intimacy issues. Even though my ex-husband did not suffer from SA, I think that it took him the first 10-15 yrs of our marriage to realize that he was not emotionally "ready" for marriage, which sounds similar to your spouse. We went through a lot together, and he was a great friend to me. But he was not really self-aware enough to realize that he couldn't commit to me or anyone else in an intimate relationship until he dealt with his own baggage from his parental relationships. I think that since we separated and divorced he is trying to work on those issues. Unfortunately, he didn't want to work with me anymore.

@RevClonn, Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I know that what you say is the right answer "on paper" and I know that I have to learn to live in the present. The issue is that my emotions continually draw me into ruminating over the past (if only...) and worrying about the future (it wasn't supposed to turn out like this). My "plans" from when I was 18 and thought I could conquer the world did not come to fruition. Now that I am 40, it's hard to re-think what my life is supposed to look like.

I came back to TAM today because I was feeling sad and lonely and I wondered if I had really made any progress at all. I see by looking at my old posts that I am still struggling with the same issues, but that things are slowly getting better overall.

I still don't know what G-d wants from me, but I'm a bit calmer about facing the future alone. I want to do what @RevClonn says an "live life" - choose to make each day something worthwhile. I am still struggling with the "how" and I continue to have setbacks, but I think I have managed to keep moving forward.


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## notdone

dontpanic said:


> I haven't visited TAM in almost 11 months.
> 
> I hope @Former Self is doing better in his situation. I am so sorry for you that you had to deal with your wife's sex addiction and intimacy issues. Even though my ex-husband did not suffer from SA, I think that it took him the first 10-15 yrs of our marriage to realize that he was not emotionally "ready" for marriage, which sounds similar to your spouse. We went through a lot together, and he was a great friend to me. But he was not really self-aware enough to realize that he couldn't commit to me or anyone else in an intimate relationship until he dealt with his own baggage from his parental relationships. I think that since we separated and divorced he is trying to work on those issues. Unfortunately, he didn't want to work with me anymore.
> 
> @RevClonn, Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I know that what you say is the right answer "on paper" and I know that I have to learn to live in the present. The issue is that my emotions continually draw me into ruminating over the past (if only...) and worrying about the future (it wasn't supposed to turn out like this). My "plans" from when I was 18 and thought I could conquer the world did not come to fruition. Now that I am 40, it's hard to re-think what my life is supposed to look like.
> 
> I came back to TAM today because I was feeling sad and lonely and I wondered if I had really made any progress at all. I see by looking at my old posts that I am still struggling with the same issues, but that things are slowly getting better overall.
> 
> I still don't know what G-d wants from me, but I'm a bit calmer about facing the future alone. I want to do what @RevClonn says an "live life" - choose to make each day something worthwhile. I am still struggling with the "how" and I continue to have setbacks, but I think I have managed to keep moving forward.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notdone

notdone said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I also come back to TAM for advice lately. My wife walked away with many of the symptoms described in TAM. So glad to read that your world is appearing slightly better. I'm 49. I set goals for myself based around the advice and passionately pursued them. Umm, well, more like desperately did forward movement to get to a place of peace. I wanted pain and reflection of what I could of or should have done to go away . My peace came from God. A feeling that I desperately needed. A real relationship with Jesus.

Not only did I get that new feeling better than before, but my perspective changed. I have deeper, more meaningful relationships and experiences.
No drugs, no harmful habits. Just the quickest straightest path was what I wanted. I'm no zealot. I chose this action and it works.

My sympathy goes out now much more easily. I'm so sorry you've had the experiences your having. I'm there at times and others not as much. Doing the above, losing 50lbs and suddenly realizing I could do anything I did in my 20's also was a huge help. Compliments are nice too, both receiving and giving. Talk, grieve, acknowledge being angry and eventually let it go. Talk to God as you would your closest, most respected friend. I'm here to tell you not as a hypocrite, but as one who suffers with many joy filled smiles throughout the day. There are days I don't even want to start. The best new memories are from the days I went outside and lived the maximum healthy most fun a person should have. The old memories pale and fade as I do this. Ski, hike, cook, ride fast, pray in the forest or on a snow hill.

Your analytical ability as a woman is a rare gift. Obviously you also deeply care. A strong man will treasure this! And 40 to boot! That means fewer hormonal outbursts or drama but still young enough to share some youth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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