# Doubts...



## MrsP (May 16, 2012)

My husband and I got married last summer. We've had our issues and both of us have our faults. Lately I've been having doubts that I made a huge mistake by getting married. I feel like since we've been married he's done nothing but try to change me, he doesn't respect me, and he has become more controlling. 
When we run in to friends that I haven't seen since before the wedding, they look at me like I'm broken...and I do feel that part of me is.
I've had close friends and family tell me that I don't seem happy and they don't buy the "act" I put on when we are out and about together. And they think I should leave him.
I found out last week that my co-workers even have an office pool on how long my marriage will last.
I do love my husband. But is loving someone that doesn't respect you enough to make a marriage successful?
Our biggest problem is that we don't communicate well. We are both so busy with our jobs and when we are together, neither of us make an effort to talk about our issues. Not that I haven't tried...but when I do try to talk to him, he automatically gets defensive and when he gets defensive he gets very mean and hurtful. 
My husband is in his early 40's and I'm 10 yrs. younger and this is a first marriage for the both of us. So needless to say, we are both stubborn and set in our ways.
I have a job that might have me home for a month, then gone for a week...or 6. I always go home on weekends...but when Sunday night rolls around and I know I have to go out of town on Monday, I get excited to pack a suitcase. I feel more relaxed and "at home" in a hotel room than I do in his house.
I always said I would be the type of person that once I did finally get married, I would stay married. But when I have a husband that won't listen to my issues, doesn't respect me and tries to control stupid aspects of my life...I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake. 
I guess I am just needing some advice. I am at the end of my rope. I mean, when my best friend and my uncle (that is more like a second dad), and even my best friends parents all tell me that I made a mistake by getting married and I need to get out before we bring kids in to this world, I can't help but wonder if they're right.
I do love my husband, but I sometimes think he is in love with the image he thinks I should be, rather than the way I am.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MrsP. Sorry that the first response will be from bitter MrK. Bitter MrK gave his LIFE to a woman that never loved him. Only Bitter MrK gave 20 years of his life (and three kids) to his woman before he had to drag it out of her that she probably never loved him. Bitter MrK's wife and he dated/were engaged for almost 5 years before getting married. MrsK knew what she was getting herself into. Why did she marry me? Why did you marry MrP?

Sorry. I have no sympathy for you. I'm guessing that MrP didn't change all that much from the time you were dating. I'm guessing you overlooked his faults while thinking of that fairy tale wedding. Maybe you thought you could change him. I don't know. But you did him a GREAT disservice my marrying him. Now you need to do him a favor and leave him.

Then you need to start a greatly need crusade. You need to educate young women on what it means to be married. What it REALLY means to be married. Tell them that the reality RARELY matches the fantasy. Prepare them for what you went through. Tell them that MOST women go through it. Tell them that their prince charming will turn into a frog, not the other way around.

You did MrP a HUGE disservice by marrying him. Now grow some balls and leave him. For HIM. Not you. If Mrs K left me 20 years ago it would have DEVASTATED me. But I'd be happy now with someone who loves me. Mrs K would be happy. Now we are two miserable people trying to raise three kids in this sewer of a marriage. And I blame HER.

And I blame YOU for the mess you are in. Fix it now.


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## michellenikB (May 16, 2012)

I think, you should talk to your husband and let him know your feelings and what you are thinking. It's better that you both have a good communication as well as a good relationship.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Do you feel like he's changed since you got married? Or was he always like this, and you chose to overlook his faults? How long did you guys date for before you got married?

I'm just asking because one of my boyfriend's friends got into the same situation. Dated a woman for a long time, married her, and then divorced her because he felt she was too controlling and jealous, claiming she ruined his life, now he never wants to get married again, and all that. When I asked my boyfriend, if his friend always knew she was like that, he said yes. I then said I didn't have sympathy for him because he knew what he was getting himself into :/


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## MrsP (May 16, 2012)

Thank you for your responses and feedback. And I'll do my best to answer the questions you've had.
We had dated 2 years before we got married...was that long enough, who knows. I think it's different for every couple.
When we were dating he made time for us. When we went out with friends (his or mine) they saw a happy couple. And we were a happy couple. My best friends thought we were a great match because we complimented each other so well. But even before our wedding, I worked my butt off for him. Whatever he needed help with, even if it had me working with him until 1 a.m., only to get up at 6 the next morning for my job, I did it. But he was more appreciative. He would take a weekend off and we'd go somewhere. (We live in very desolate areas, so it's a 2 hour drive to a good restaurant and any form of entertainment.)
After we got married and got back from our honeymoon, he did change. He became very possessive over *his house with his things (it took 4 months after we got married to be able to move a dresser into our bedroom for my clothes...I lived out of suitcases that were in the spare bedroom to that point). He started making demands on which friends I was allowed to keep. He wanted my hair short and blonde. He wanted to know where I was, every second of every day if I was working away from home. This is not the same man I dated. If he didn't like my friends or my hair or my job before we got married, why did he marry me? That's right, MrK...why did HE marry ME if all he wanted to do was change me after the fact? There is your disservice, in my opinion.
His career is very time consuming. Some days he may leave the house at 6 a.m. and not come home until 11 p.m. This is something I was aware of before we got married and something we did talk about for when (now if) we have children, because I will not tolerate for an absentee father. And right now, with my job, people could argue that I am away from home too much. But, honestly, that is by choice. If I wanted to work from home 4 out of 5 days a week, I could make that happen. But I feel so unwelcome in "our" home that a hotel room feels more comforting and I ask my boss to send me out of town. And I've told him this.
When I am home, I work my a$$ off for my husband to make his life easier. He runs his own business as well as manages the family farm. I fill in with the farm duties as much as I can when I'm home and make sure animals are fed and watered and taken care of. I even go on house calls with him to help his work get done faster, all in hopes that one night he'll surprise me with a weekend getaway somewhere for some "us" time. And I do enjoy working with the cattle and horses and I want to make it clear that I don't have any resentment towards him that I have to take care of these things for him. Farming has always been a part of my life, and I would have an empty space inside me without it. I honestly believe one of the reasons he married me is because I can do all this and it makes his life a little easier. But now I am treated more like a hired hand than a partner.
Do I think I did him a disservice by marrying him? No. Because the man that I married was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, have children with, and go through all of "the good, the bad and the ugly" of marriage with. But when it goes from someone walking through the door with a smile on their face like they are happy to see you, to a look of disgust, it makes it hard to find a reason to want to be the perfect image he wants me to portray.
I have tried to talk to my husband about these feelings. But he is usually too tired or too busy to listen. When he gets home at night, he wants to watch highlights of the game. If he comes home at noon, it's only to look up something for a client. There is just no time for "us". We've gotten into huge arguments, I've written him letters, and I've even gone and stayed with a family member for a couple of days to get it to sink in that we have problems. But none of it has gotten through to him. When I get back home from staying with family, he will agree that we need to sit down and talk, and then he leaves for hours on end. And when he comes home he carries on like nothing is wrong and this is the way marriage is supposed to be. 
So what can I do to get him to see the way things are working...really isn't working? 
MrK, I do agree that an unhappy marriage should not last 20 years and 3 kids before someone makes up their mind to get out end it. But I also believe that the first year of marriage is very difficult...especially for 2 people that have been so independent for a majority of their lives who are now trying to combine their 2 worlds. His job is his life, always has been...and if we stay married and have children, it won't be. It can't be. My friends and family have always been my life...I would and will drop anything at anytime to help any one of them out. Obviously, if we stay married and have children, I won't be able to drop one of them off to go tend to a friend. I understand this. I just need him to.
So...any advice on getting someone to listen that doesn't have time to listen? And how do I get it to really sink in this time?*


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MrsP said:


> When we run in to friends that I haven't seen since before the wedding, they look at me like I'm broken...and I do feel that part of me is.
> 
> I've had close friends and family tell me that I don't seem happy and they don't buy the "act" I put on when we are out and about together.
> 
> ...


In my humble opinion, you have way too many people involved in relationship that is supposed to be between one man and one woman.

All your friends and family with all their looks and all their observations and all their advice are not doing you any favors.

You appear value them more than your marriage


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MrsP said:


> So...any advice on getting someone to listen that doesn't have time to listen? And how do I get it to really sink in this time?


Thank you for your explanation. I wish my wife would talk to me. I'm sure she feels I have changed since we married. I must have. She couldn't have married someone with the faults I have now. No way.

All you can do now is shout it a little louder that he either helps you fix it or you're gone. I worry that you have already tried extreme measures (moving out) and they went nowhere. Serving papers is the next step. He may know how you feel and chooses not to help. In which case your solution is the same. You're gone. He either get's one last brick in the head hint and takes it or it's over. I didn't have a choice. My wife just left emotionally but didn't tell me. . 

Not even married a year. No kids. I'd be running out the door if I were you. Skipping and singing.

Good luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

MrsP,

One of your points jumped out at me 

"but when Sunday night rolls around and I know I have to go out of town on Monday, I get excited to pack a suitcase"

If this is how you've always felt, it could be that your Hubby picks up on this excitement and is hurt/angry about it.

Here's some of the things you need to say to him when the two of you start to talk. Remind hime of this " But he was more appreciative. He would take a weekend off and we'd go somewhere. (We live in very desolate areas, so it's a 2 hour drive to a good restaurant and any form of entertainment."

"I want to make it clear that I don't have any resentment towards him that I have to take care of these things for him" I Disagree! You have a huge amount of resentment but I'm not saying it's unjustified!

Your hubby is sometimes working 17 hour days! Yes, I know you help out but that is alot of time. How many days a week does he work?

"My friends and family have always been my life...I would and will drop anything at anytime to help any one of them out" - While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, didn't your marriage vows say something about forsaking all others? Your husband should be your 1st priority. It's quite possible that he doesn't feel this way regardless of how much you do to help him. I know. I am in a similar situation with my wife. While she is always first in my eyes, I often feel as if our kids and HER family are more important (and sometimes the dog!). She does TONS for me and really takes good care of me BUT I am often made to feel this way

You need to tell him that unless things change and you begin to communicate better (get counseling) you don't see a future for this relationship and that you do truely love him and want to make it work but he has to work at it WITH you.


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## MrsP (May 16, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> In my humble opinion, you have way too many people involved in relationship that is supposed to be between one man and one woman.
> 
> All your friends and family with all their looks and all their observations and all their advice are not doing you any favors.
> 
> You appear value them more than your marriage


This thought has crossed my mind, as well. And I don't want outside opinions influencing my marriage. (Although, it does get a little difficult when you hear those outside opinions more and more often). And I apologize for making it seem as though they are all one-sided and against this marriage lasting. I do have family members that don't believe in divorce. You stick in it, no matter how miserable you may be. And I know that if this marriage failed, there are some family members that would be extremely disappointed in me for not sticking things out.
And maybe his friends are hearing my snarky comments when he gets on the phone with them for hours, but I can't get him to talk to me for 5 minutes. I know he complains to them about me not being happy...but he doesn't listen when I try to explain why...so his friends, being loyal, have labeled me a b*tch. And I can be one. Just like he can be a selfish pain in the you-know-what. We both have our faults.
I do want to give this an honest effort. Any marriage deserves that. But I want him to give the same. But I just don't know how.
A lot of times I will have the perfect speech prepared in my head of what needs to be said and how to say it without coming across like I'm pointing fingers. But when he finally gets home, the first words out of his mouth are "G-Damn...." and he goes in to a 30 minute rant about who screwed up his day and how. And by the time he's told me how hard his day was, I feel guilty about trying to make his day even worse and nothing gets said. Then that silence festers and builds up and one day I blow up and then nothing gets resolved because all we do is throw low blows at one another rather than trying to resolve anything.
When we are out in public, we are the "perfect" couple. But when we get away from an audience, it's silence and distance. And I don't know how to fix it.


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## MrsP (May 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> MrsP,
> 
> One of your points jumped out at me
> 
> ...


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello MrsP 
What do you want to do exactly in your marriage? What do you want from your marriage? Did you take a decision in your mind about are you working on it, or you are turning the page?
It's important to hear yourself take that decision before thinking about any steps to take.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mrs,

you said "I agree 100% that he should be my first priority. But shouldn't I be his, too?"

Yes you should be but sometimes it takes someone to start the ball rolling!

Also, while I do it in my marriage, my wife does not even though she knows that this is what I believe in


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with the others that youneed to stop focusing on what your colleagues and family think about your marriage and focus on it yourself with your husband. Cause it's your marriage, not there.

With that said, you absolutely must talk to him about how you are feeling. Tell him how you don't feel respected and what things you wish to improve on together with him in your marriage. Ask what you can do as well.

Iwas in a marriage like the one you describe and it sucked. Like you, I did not feel he respected me as a woman. 

Suggest marriage counselling. TALK!

I hope you guys can resolve this.


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## MrsP (May 16, 2012)

growtogether said:


> Hello MrsP
> What do you want to do exactly in your marriage? What do you want from your marriage? Did you take a decision in your mind about are you working on it, or you are turning the page?
> It's important to hear yourself take that decision before thinking about any steps to take.


You know...I think I have been focusing so much on what I don't want in my marriage...that I have forgot what I do want. These are definitely some questions I need to give a lot of thought to. I do know that I want to give my marriage a fair shot at working.
Thanks for the questions...definitely a new angle for me to think on things.


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## MrsP (May 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Mrs,
> 
> you said "I agree 100% that he should be my first priority. But shouldn't I be his, too?"
> 
> ...


Maybe I am the one who needs to grow a pair and get the ball rolling. I just hope I can figure out how...and have the patience for him to follow suit.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

ok, when you know what you want, let us know, I'm curious to know!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I suppose I'm going to be disagreeing with just about everyone here, but it wouldn't be the first time I see things a bit differently... 

I think that it's worthwhile to pay attention to opinions of people who know us well. You may want to save your marriage, but because of your friends and family, you've become aware of just how much impact the negativity in your life is having on YOU. 

I also doubt that talking to someone who won't listen is worth your time. Perhaps you're right and he married you to make his life easier. He has stopped showing appreciation for those things, you say. Is it possible that he believes that since you're married, he's showing you his appreciation in the form of providing for the household? Also, what prevents you from scheduling a getaway and telling him, "I made these arrangements for us on (this date.) I'm excited for the two of us to get a break from how hard we work, and I can't wait to have you all to myself?" 

(If he balked, I'd dig my heels in and simply say that his willingness to be in the relationship WITH me was important to me, and if I was forced to take no for an answer, I would forever believe he was telling me he didn't care about the relationship.) Obviously, I'd have to plan it with enough notice that he'd be able to make the time, and I'd have solutions for obstacles that might arise, like arranging someone to feed the animals.


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## MrsP (May 16, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I suppose I'm going to be disagreeing with just about everyone here, but it wouldn't be the first time I see things a bit differently...
> 
> I think that it's worthwhile to pay attention to opinions of people who know us well. You may want to save your marriage, but because of your friends and family, you've become aware of just how much impact the negativity in your life is having on YOU.
> 
> ...


He has said he would like it if I planned a weekend getaway. And I did once when we were engaged. Planned something I knew he would love. But when it came time to telling him what I had planned for us, he threw it back in my face because he didn't have time to take off. I was extremely hurt after I had put so much thought in to it, and I was so happy that I could actually afford to do something so nice for him, only to have him toss it aside. And after that, I've just had no desire to try again.


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