# Reality check - Am I being small minded or am I getting taken advantage of?



## Frustrated 1 (Aug 27, 2012)

So I have been married about 14 years. About 4 years ago, the wife was very dissatisfied with her job and wanted to start a business. The plan was to start it out of the home with a partner, who would also work out of her home to keep costs down. The advantages were that she could spend more time with the kids and reduce child care costs, as well as one day have a nice business opportuniuty. Added bonus was that when she was home and not really working, there was someone to take care of the house (ie do the dishes, throw in a few loads of laundry, ect). Also, the hope was that when her business got off the ground, I could also try to strike out on my own with a business venture.

Over the years, I took somewhat of a hands off approach - giving any advise asked for, but never really sticking my nose in, because I wanted her to be free to do her thing. I did ask several questions from time to time, about how the business was doing (since she brought in almost no money - about $5000 per year at its height) or about her business model (she never had a partnership agreement until this past year). Each time I asked quesitons, I got either an 'I dont know' ("How much did the business make last year? - I dont know!) or some obtuse answer or other brush off. I wouldnt even mind that much, but at the height, the wife only paid herself about $5000 per year as a salary in order to not take away too much money from the business.

During this whole time, the wife never was able to do any housework - hardly ever a dish or a load of laundry was done - it was routiunely left for me - who has a high pressure job with a big commute to to almost all the laundry, dishes, cooking, ect. On top of that, the kids still go to after school programs and other enlighment programs - balet, music lessons, ect...

I finally got tired of the no money, no help in the house routine - I wont even mention the wife's unreasonable added body weight which is a hole separate rant - and asked to see her company tax returns. I did the math and it seems that last year - her best year - the company's income only adds up to an average to about 11 billable hours per week of work. I was floored. 

After learning about this, the wife had a meeting with the parther, who then announced that she was retiring from the business. So now that is dead. 

I just feel like I was taken advantage of for these past few years - like she hardly tried - and was less than honest with me about what was going on. I wouldn't mind that much if she at least did some housework - but her claim was that she could nto get to it because she was so busy with the business. Looking at it now, that all seems like a lie. I don't know if I should even bring it up, because the partner's exit really kills the business anyway, and the wife has agreed to get a job - at least part time to bring in some $$. 

Moreover, the plan of her business doing well so I can go of on my own venture is now not really feasable, thus keeping me in my highly unfulfilling job just to pay the bills.

I just feel kind of resentful about what went down. Not sure what to do.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

My first reaction is that maybe she just isn't a good business person. You are focusing on the amount made. Doesn't mean she didn't try. When you asked several times about how the business is doing, her answer should have prompted deeper discussion. If she asked you about your job, would you discuss that with her.

Since the business is over, I'd say let it go. But I am sure others will say it is not good to hold in resentment - and there is a lot to be said for that.

How is the relationship otherwise? Do you love her?


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

rj700 said:


> My first reaction is that maybe she just isn't a good business person.


This was my reaction as well. Especially when you asked her how the business was doing and she would reply "I don't know". Ask her a couple of questions: What is the margin on your product/service? What is your marketing plan? Was a pro forma conducted prior to starting the business? What are her fixed and variable costs?

If you ask her these questions and she stares at you like a deer caught in a headlight, then she doesn't know what she is doing. 

Her inability to earn money and do housework and take care of the kids could be nothing more than her thinking she could do something when she can't.


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## Frustrated 1 (Aug 27, 2012)

I suppose I do still love her, but lately I have been a wellspring of anger and frustration. It just seems that she has turned into a bad roommate. It is ironic that we seem to have complete role reversal with some of our issues. I keep feeling resentful that she is un-communiciative, seems to never have time for me or my needs, has not taken care of herself physically, continues to completly ignore the housekeeping issues, and seems to not even hear me when I am speaking to her.

I asked her to clean uposome of her papers and do some very specific dinner related matters just today. Instead, she is at her friends house "hanging out". I tried to politely ask her not to stay too long as I had asked her to do some things around the houes, and got an attitued - like why am I being such a pest - its 3pm. Lunch is way over. Get home and DO SOMETHING! 

It has been like that since the business started - she seems to hang in suspended animation - do nothing - and then say she is so busy with work when I say something... 

I guess the answer to your real question - do I love her - is I dont know anymore. I want to, but I am so dissapointed in what she has become. I struggle every day to not think of her as a fat and lazy and ambivalent spouse.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Frustrated 1 said:


> I suppose I do still love her, but lately I have been a wellspring of anger and frustration. It just seems that she has turned into a bad roommate. It is ironic that we seem to have complete role reversal with some of our issues. I keep feeling resentful that she is un-communiciative, seems to never have time for me or my needs, has not taken care of herself physically, continues to completly ignore the housekeeping issues, and seems to not even hear me when I am speaking to her.
> 
> I asked her to clean uposome of her papers and do some very specific dinner related matters just today. Instead, she is at her friends house "hanging out". I tried to politely ask her not to stay too long as I had asked her to do some things around the houes, and got an attitued - like why am I being such a pest - its 3pm. Lunch is way over. Get home and DO SOMETHING!
> 
> ...


Your last paragraph is the opening bell for counseling for both of you. From what you tell us, she's not only not pulling her weight around the house, she's adding to it (sorry! Couldn't resist)

You need to tell her that your feelings are changing and that you'd like to try and fix this before you become completely detached. I assume your sex life is also in the crapper?


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## Frustrated 1 (Aug 27, 2012)

Sex life is pretty pathetic - at least as far as I am concerned. While I am not an addonis, I have managed to keep myself in reasonably decent shape. The wife, on the other hand has gone way off the reservation. She is short, and while she was never really 'skinny' at least was normal looking when we were dating and married. After the kids - game over. She has become massive. It is sad to say, but when she is naked, I have to look away. 

I know that her mother, father and others have tried to speak to her about her weight - the universal response - from what I have overheard - is in essence to tell them to mind their own business. I have tried to speak to her about it, but guess what the excuse is - She is so busy with the business and the kids she doesn't have that much time to go to the gym! Only a Zumba class now and then and weekend tennis with her friend. She has tried weight wathcers, jenny craig, and a host of diets and personal trainers. They work for a while, but invariably, she never follows through and continues with it, and the weight comes back. There seems to be no internal discipline there, without an external program driving her - anbd even then the success is limited.

She has complained lately that I seem to be disinterested in sex - which is true. It is hard to get excited about a woman that you find hard to look at and even harder to find an appealing place on the body where I can touch her and not sink into a roll of fat. (I thought I wasnt going to get into the weight issue - but I guess I did). 

I want very much for this to work out and be happy with her. I mentioned to her the other day that there are three big areas where I would like her to concentrate - 1- make money 2- get in shape - or 3 - clean up the house. I will take just one! any one. Pick it. I almost dont care whch - but I cant take zero any more. 

Anyway - sorry to the board here if I am whining too much - I think I just need to get this out because there is no one else I can tell this to.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So first the business issue. Not many businesses make a profit the first few years. There's start-up costs, marketing the business, bids that aren't won because you don't have a reputation yet. Your expectations of something more for the business, and not her results, were unreasonable. Were the 11 billable hours per week larger towards the end than at the beginning?

Now the weight issue. I think you are more resentful about that than anything else. Because along with that is the lack of sex, which creates more resentment.

As for your three areas for her to concentrate:

1 - make more money. You have to be on top of this since it affects the family. No more "I don't know" answers.

2 - Get in shape - not an option. For health reasons and the sake of the marriage, it should be done.

3 - clean the house. If you are both working, you both should be cleaning. Figure out who does what. If her business is only part time, she does more. You stop doing more than your share.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know what kind of business she had but a lot of businesses don't make a profit the first few hours. Also it's possible to work marketing, networking, researching, and the like over 40 hours a week and still have very little billable hours. 
At the same time you have no idea how much she really was working. I feel bad for you, is it possible that she might be having an affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Some small businesses usually takes about two - three years to turn over a real profit.
Depending upon a number of things, including the size , inputs, available technical resources etc.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

My personal opinion is if it is building resentment and anger in you, YOU MUST ADDRESS IT, or that resentment and anger will eat at the marriage.

Also, you must address it because she's taking you for granted. She's out having long lunches while you are at work and home taking care of things. All well and good if she appreciates it. She is showing she does not. So stop doing it. Or at least stop with being okay with her doing what she's doing. You're not okay with it, but she thinks you are because you're not calling her on her crap.

Don't let this snowball any further. Resentment and anger are relationship killers. It should never get to that point. Try to fix it. If it can't be fixed, you have a decision to make on if you want to live like this. She'll "let you" live like this as long as she thinks she can get away with it.


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## Missy_ki (Aug 24, 2012)

Seems like she doesn't have much of a direction in life and is just going in circles. Maybe she's also running away from her problems as well. I'm guessing that her business that didn't work out made her feel upset because she didn't make it, and that had sunk her. She answered "I don't know" because she doesn't want to deal with it herself either. She's not facing the problems. Slowly she began to give up on her physical appearance and housework because she's running away from those things as well. I think that she's trying to figure out what she wants to do, but is just moving like a sloth. There is something way much more than three problems, those are just symptoms. Is she depressed? She sounds like she doesn't have a direction or goal. Don't give up on her, you may be mad but she may be more frustrated with herself inside than you are, she's just not showing it. Definitely get her to do counselling. Tell her that it's not working out because she's sitting on her a$$ and not doing anything. She isn't living. It's going to take time for you guys to work it out. Don't give up yet, there's still hope.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your doing a great job of giving her everything she needs.
Why do you think she will change?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Your doing a great job of giving her everything she needs.
> Why do you think she will change?


That must go down in Man’s Scientific Laws along with the laws of Newton, Einstein, Faraday, Hubble, Kirchhoff, Archimedes and all.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

In order of constructive priority:
- she does not respect you. If you cannot fix that nothing else matters because she will simply take as much as possible and give back as little as she can get away with
- take control in a positive manner by laying out a schedule 
- explain that the schedule is based on a free time model and you expect about equilibrium - and show what that is:
If you are working 60/week and she is working 24 - she should do about 36 of kid home stuff before asking you to kick in. 

The fact that you allowed this almost totally one sided arrangement for years will make for a tough transition

If you can get her to fix that - I then see if she will start exercising with you. 

If you use the word fat, this will likely end badly


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