# my world has fallen apart



## EMMSY1 (Jan 4, 2011)

I have never used a forum before just shows how desperate i am right now - i found out on new years day that my husband of 16 years (we've been together 20) was starting some kind of relationship emotionally with his secretary. I'm dying inside we have four wonderful kids and I thoght we had a wonderful marraige, thought he was my rock I guess not. I found a naked text from her (not pretty) and numerous texts going back and forth on new years eve at 3.00 am he says he doesn't remember (he was drunk) but does admit that the relationship was beginning to change about 2 weeks ago - he says they both acknowledged nothing would ever come out of it as she is married with 3 children also. He is distraught, I am distraught I don't know what to do, how to react,. My husbands business partner also his BF was in the dark too but he fired her on Monday morning and DH says he will never have any contact with her again- I feel numb and don't know what to do I just can't process any of it and because I am a really private person don't have anyone to confide in except for my husband . My family lives in Europe and I couldn't possibly tell them - I just don't know what to do or where to start - he is certainly remorseful - says she flattered him and he enjoyed the attention, says it will never happen again has never happened before . I asked him to leave he says he will do anything to stay, but how do I get past it or will I ever, my kids adore their dad, but I am just in agony help


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is definitely an EA that was heading for a PA. Many of the right steps by him have already been taken. His remorse, his understanding that he was missing something in the marriage, (flattery, attention) removing her from his work place and a pledge to end all contact with her. Do not make him move out, he is trying to make amends and you can't repair the marriage as easily if you are separated, plus the additional stress on the children. I am 3 years removed from my wife's EA and we are happier now in our marriage then we have been in a long time. You are currently in shock, disappointed, hurt and afraid. Work with each other to discover what might be missing for both of you in the marriage and begin the recovery process. It'll take time but the marriage can come back stronger than before. Ours did.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Give it a little time, take hold of yourself and don't make any decisions until you both have calmed down.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there and I'm so sorry you find yourself here, it's a great place to land and many people on this forum have lived your life, me included........
My husband also had an affair(PA) with a woman he worked with, he was her boss as well........
I too thought things in the marriage weren't that bad, I guess we want to believe what we want to believe, now I know I wasn't doing the best job I could have been doing........but that in no way makes it alright for your husband or mine to have an affair of any sort while they are married........this was his selfish decision and it really didn't have anything to do with you.........
Don't blame yourself.........your husband has to realize what kind of man he is to make this decision and to participate in this kind of relationship.
You have obviously did some exposure to have already taken care of removing the woman from the office, good job on that, does the OW's husband know? I would make sure he knew so he can keep an eye on his wife and keep her away from your husband........
Tell your husband you are trying to save your marriage and having her out of your life is the only way......
The two of you need to sit down and write a letter to the OW telling her to leave your husband alone that he made a mistake and that your marriage depends on NO CONTACT.
Then you change the emails, phone#'s and he must give you all access to all passwords and phone bills, whatever it takes.....
Book some MC appts and get to the root of his problem and the things he was missing in the marriage, make the marriage a better place for both of you...............
don't accept anything less, this just isn't a slap on the wrists, this is a serious problem that needs addressing.........
For now you need to just breathe, get all the answers you want, and just understand that you can't make sense out of anyone else's decisions, and you are in no way responsible for anyone else's choices........
Selfishness hurts and you can't trust him right now, that will come later.............
When the reality of an affair comes crashing down it's best to let your husband feel the brunt of his decisions. The affair fog will lift very quickly.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

jessi said:


> does the OW's husband know? I would make sure he knew so he can keep an eye on his wife and keep her away from your husband........


Jessi, I agree with all your points but this one. Exposure is designed to make the wondering spouse realize the affair is hurting the marriage, that it is no fun anymore and to embarrass them and force self reflection. In what I see here he has done those things. Exposure in this case could back fire and TOW's husband might throw her out making her "available" or she may try to draw to the OP's husband even more because of conflict at home. I'd keep that card up my sleeve until it becomes apparent that contact is still going on. IMHO!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't think it is a good idea to make him leave the home you need to stay close to each other to weather this crisis. I think that you should keep it between the two of you. Each affair is different. In this case he got carried away by the admiration and attention from the secretary and there is a strong hint at what he needs from you. Of course he was foolish to let this happen, he probably thought he could stop it at any time. 

I hate talking about what the injured party needs to provide the strayer but in this case I think it should reassure you that you can prevent this from happening again with a few very easy fixes. This is not to say that he gets a free pass for this or that there are things that you may need from him to work this out but your future is very bright. 

There was no premeditation, he did a stupid thing because he needed to be admired and looked up to, sounds like there is true remorse and it sounds like you were quite willing to throw his azzz out. He scared of losing you, his family, and his home for a scank. I don't think he will ever do this again. But to make sure he does not, you need to make sure he knows that he s your hero. Sounds like you do admire him and he is worth admiration but you just have to let him know in the way he needs to hear it, by words and deeds.

Men seem so strong in many ways, the things they need from the woman they love are simple and it makes them so human and endearing. We women lean on them but we forget that they are vulnerable when they love. 

Men do all those great brave things and they look back at the woman they love and say: 
* "I did all this for you and the kids, did I make you happy because that's all I want to do is to make you happy" 
* "Do you admire me for being successful and keeping a roof over our heads" 
* "Do you find me irresistible as a man do you just want to jump my azzz sometimes, that makes me want to go out and conquer the world"

I am not making light of you situation but it is a lucky actually that you found out now and early that he needs something this from the woman he loves. Men need to be admired like woman need to be able to talk and be heard by her partner. Don't give the scanks and [email protected]@es any room to muscle in on your territory, close ranks with your hubby. 

It may seem that he is gown up enough not to need these things but the heart is a mans achilles heal, it is tender and easily wounded and needs carful handling and to be cherished. Sounds just like a woman, so we are not so much different.


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## EMMSY1 (Jan 4, 2011)

The kindness of strangers!!! thanks so much for responding most of what you all say i know to be true in my heart, I wish I could box him across the head and let it be gone but I can't even seem to get angry, I didn't tell her husband but upon being found out I think she thought I would so she told him. I haven't talked to him I can only try to focus on whats left of my family. I'm finding it really difficult to cope seeing him every evening and trying to pretend that everything is normal although I have come to find out that my oldest who is 14 is aware and hurting so I have to redirect to make sure that he is ok. I just cannot seem to get past the deceit and am wondering how to stop questioning. I can't seem to believe that all contact has been ceased even though he swears blind he will never see her again or contact her. you know he's not perfect neither am I but the one thing I always thought was rock solid was the issue of trust, never doubted him in my life, ever, and now I cannot seem to stop. Would it not be better to let him go for a while until the pain subsides?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi again, 

To answer your question about him leaving the house for now, I didn't ask my husband to leave, I think if you want to put your marriage back together it's easier to do that with him there.
It was hard to live through that every day as well for me, but as some time passes it will get easier, it gives you a chance to communicate more and you two will have time to discuss what happened and why it could happen for him........
I would sit your children down and explain the situation to them be honest and make sure they know that the two of you love them and that you are trying to work things out for the family and the two of you...........It was tough on me too telling my boys, but it's better than quessing what is going on with their parents.....
This is a tough situation that has changed your belief system and trust ..............it won't ever be the same, but you can get back to it with a little work from both of you........
You are trying to make to many big decisions to soon.......take a breath and some time to think things through.....
Maybe for now the two of you can agree to talking honestly about the marriage, affair for an 1 hour a week, spend at least 15-20 hours of week together and just see how it goes......
Your husband needs to be transparent with his whereabouts, phones, comp.........
IC and MC can help...........
1 foot in front of the other for now.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

EMMSY1 said:


> but the one thing I always thought was rock solid was the issue of trust, never doubted him in my life, ever


Exactly how I felt. In the end my trust did return but what I would call the innocence of absolute trust did not. All that really means is that I do trust her but my radar is up because I now know what can happen if we don't tend to eachothers needs. Somethings in our marriage are changed forever. Mostly good,some bad but in the end we came through it with a better understanding of eachother's needs and are stronger for it. You are just at the beginning of recovery and it hurts like hell, but if he holds to his word, keeps out of contact and honors you and your marriage the pain starts to dull. Make sure he understands your boundaries, forgive him when you are ready and move on with your lives. I often look at my wife's EA as a warning shot over the bow and all the other warning signs finally sunk in. I have never regreted frighting for her, for her love and for my marriage. Fight for yours and don't separate.


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

Emmys,

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I found out 5 weeks ago that my husband of 10+ years had an emotional affair with a woman he worked with. It has been the worst 5 weeks of my life. At first it was all I could do to get through the day. Breathing felt like too much work.

But, 5 weeks later, I am beginning to feel a little hope. My husband has done all the right things so far, and I believe he is truly remorseful. We have communicated in a way these last five weeks that we had not in a LONG time. 

My initial reaction was to tell him to move out of the house. Since I found out about a month before Christmas, and we have small children, I told him he could stay there until after Christmas. But over the days and weeks that have followed, he has show me that he is truly remorseful, and we are working together to try to fix things.

This is not always the case. Sometimes the cheating spouse does not change, and things cannot be worked out. But is sounds like your husband wants to fix things

Right now you are shocked and hurting, and it is too soon to make a major life changing decision such as separating. Give it a little time, get your head cleared a little, and see what happens. If he continues to show remorse and try to do the right things, there is HOPE. 

I have become a much stronger person since this happened, and am learning to finally put myself first for the first time in my life. I have learned some great lessons. While I would never have chosen to learn them this way, they are making me a better person. I know feel like even if it does not work out with my hubby and I (which I truly feel it will), I will be okay.

Hang in there sweetie


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I will make a confession to you Emmys. When I did not kick my H out of our house when I found out about his EA and PA with the OW, it was not because I wanted to work it out. I didn't know what I wanted at that point. It was for purely selfish reasons. I wanted him to see the pain that he caused me with his actions. I wanted him to have to suffer through watching me cry and fall apart. If he was man enough for the things he did, he should be man enough to watch the fallout for his actions. That was just me LOL. 

The logical side of me knows that if you aren't sure what you want, to not do anything drastic yet. Is there a part of you that feels if you don't kick him out that he isn't suffering any consequences?? A lot of people struggle with that, and if you are at that same point, I would suggest asking for help here. This forum has helped me with those feelings quite well. Best of luck.


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## EMMSY1 (Jan 4, 2011)

I think you might be right - I feel that if I don't make him see the consequences of his actions that he is getting away with it - maybe I am trying to teach him a lesson, and for the wrong reasons IDK at this stage I am just feeling defeated - its almost if i let you away with this then i am just a stomping ground for him - he says he doesnt want to go anywhere that he loves me and the children but part of me wonders if all this is just crocodile tears because he got got


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I had the same questions about my H. "Of course you feel bad, not because you cheated but because you got CAUGHT" was in my mind for quite a while. Took about a year for the trust to be anywhere good. Honestly, I would talk to him about it. Tell him hey, there is a huge part of me that thinks the only thing you are sorry about is getting caught, not about hurting me. Be honest about what its doing to you and your feelings about him so he DOES know what the fallout is from it all. 

I think your response it truly a natural response when finding these things out. Do you know what boundaries you need in place to even consider THINKING about working it out?


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## EMMSY1 (Jan 4, 2011)

Thanks everybody just reading everybodys experiences seems to let one know that there is Hope.. I know a lot of people have mentioned boundaries I wouldn't even know where to begin... I never had to have them before I guess that just came from the mutual respect "I thought we had for each other" did a lot of you go to counselling or just as one person put it just put one foot ahead of the other.. the last 5 days seem to be just a blur, one minute I'm like Joan of Arc ready to do battle and the next minute I'm an emotional wreck.. I feel like sallie fields in that movie the seven faces of eve lol..... am sure that h doesn't know quite what to make of my rantings but then again he may have to learn to live with them.. i noticed a lot of you asked for transparency etc., but with both of us working thats a difficult one to overcome. I know that he doesn't remember what he texted her because I made some stuff up and said he said it to see what his reaction was ... he didn't deny any of it even the stuff I made up .. he says he will never take a drink again and is ready to change his life that he knows he has to overcome the issue of trust I want to believe him.. I know the obvious number 1 boundary is that he never contact "****s r us' again but what if any other boundaries did any of you ask for?


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

The one boundary I asked for right away was that he not have female friends that he spoke with by phone or text message. If he talks with a female on the phone, it should be work stuff. He had an EA with a coworker that started out as friendship, so clearly he has boundary issues when left to his own devices. 

Most of the other stuff is stuff he actually came up with on his own before I was able to even think clearly after DDay.

He travels a lot for work. It is not stuff he is required to do, it is classes and conferences that he wants to attend. Since we work in similiary fields, I have travelled with him a lot in the past. He said he will no longer travel to any class or conference by himself. If I cannot go, he will not go. 

He gave me passwords to his bank accounts, cell phone, email account that I did not already have, etc.

We both work also, so it is hard for us. But we both have Droid phones, and there is free GPS ap that we got that allows me to see where he is all the time. 

He also told me to call him EVERY time I feel panicky during the day. If he happens to be in a meeting or something where he cannot pick up the phone and talk to me, he will put it on speaker phone so that I can hear what is going on around him. He calls or texts me every time he leaves his office to do errands, etc to let me know what he is doing. I told him he does not have to tell me every time, but he says it only takes a minute and if it helps me it is worth it.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think Deb covered a lot of ground with the boundaries, and I have similar things set up. Complete access to his cell phone and records, complete access to any email accts, work or personal, he is not to have any women in his car PERIOD unless its his mother or sister, he will not befriend any women at this time, etc etc. Basically things that you need to be able to do to verify his honesty. I know it seems ridiculous but I do think that it is also necessary for new boundaries to be in place. 

My H knew that I needed to be able to ask my questions, and he knew if I was having a bad day I needed him to hug me and promise me he would never do that again. I also needed some letters from him to me verifying that he understood the seriousness of all that he did. Good place to start for me at least!!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Guys, those are not boundaries! (At least in the normal sens of the term). A boundary is not a law you lay down about someone else. A boundary is a fence you build around yourself - a set of conditions about you that you will not change. Telling someone else what they can or cannot do is a matter of manipulation and control. 

A boundary is to protect you from harm (as much as possible), and it involves what you will or will not allow to happen to you. Hence, telling someone else that they 'cannot have any woman in his car' (while a very wise thing!) is NOT a boundary: that is a law. 

A boundary would be something like: "I will not remain married to someone who has cheats on me." Note that this does NOT tell the other person that they 'cannot cheat' - it isn't a law you lay down upon them. Instead - they are free to choose this action - but they do it with the full knowledge that they will lose YOU if they choose that action. 

The thing about a boundary is that you must be willing to abide by it yourself (that is, prepare to leave the marriage is they cheat, etc.) If you are weak and willing to give up on your boundaries, you'll find that they will be taken advantage of. 

The issue is to stay away from controlling another adult (say, by threatening punishment if they don't obey you). It is a fellow human being, and an adult, and not a subordinate to which you speak! You would not like to be treated as a subordinate - nor should you. Neither should your spouse! Ignoring that fact opens the door to a world of hurt!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Honey, it's been 5 days since you found out! The fact that you can put a sentence structure together is a good thing. Give yourself time. 
Also, Dawn really knows what she is talking about. Your husband has poor boundaries and you need to draw your line in the sand. Period. ((((Hugs to you))))


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Tanelornpete-- you are very correct, I misspoke since I was in a hurry to get dressed for a dinner LOL. 

My H had sex with his OW in his car, so that was a sore spot for me specifically. My actual boundary with him at that time was " I will not continue a marriage with someone who drives other women around in his vehicle" and " I will not continue in a marriage with someone who forms inappropriate relationships with other women" were my actual boundaries. I get all jumbled when I am in a hurry LOL. Hope I didnt confuse the poster!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

EMMSY1 said:


> I know a lot of people have mentioned boundaries I wouldn't even know where to begin... I never had to have them before I guess that just came from the mutual respect


Pete is dead on about boundaries vs. control. It is more of an action reaction situation but sometimes requires an ultimatum. The EA was the one thing in the marriage I would not allow to continue, I could manage the other issues and felt we could improve those but continued contact with TOM was a deal breaker for me and in the end that's how I presented it to my wife. She ended it, finally, for good a couple of days later.



EMMSY1 said:


> did a lot of you go to counseling or just as one person put it just put one foot ahead of the other


Both, we attended counseling separately then as a couple with the same MC. It was a part of the recovery but she was not a miracle worker. But it was helpful in getting better insights of each other. We quit going after a few months as we felt we had a pretty good handle on what we needed to do. It was helpful but not a game changer for us.



EMMSY1 said:


> ..i noticed a lot of you asked for transparency etc., but with both of us working thats a difficult one to overcome.


I know a a lot of people recommend transparency but I'm just not a fan. In today's techno-world it is just too easy to beat the system if one is so inclined. Certainly tell him to expect questions and suspicions from you *until he earns your trust again.* But with snooping, at what point do you stop and feel comfortable. Scouring computer logs, phone bills, credit cards, ram-sack his car for a track fone, strip search.... Sooner or later it comes down to a leap of faith and trust in your spouse and your instincts.



EMMSY1 said:


> .. I know the obvious number 1 boundary is that he never contact "****s r us' again but what if any other boundaries did any of you ask for?


No contact is key for recovery but don't be surprised if he stubs his toe, it can happen and you need to be ready for what your reaction might be. If he really has feelings for her he will go through a period of withdrawal and may be tempted. 

He needs to be open and honest with you when you have questions or need reassurance. He doesn't get a free pass in this.

Communication is key, you both need to understand what he was looking for in the EA and what needs to happen at home to improve that. You in turn likely have needs he's not fulfilled either so you need to explain those to him.

Spend time together as a couple and a family.

Good Luck!


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

No, I would not wish to be treated as a subordinate. And I would certainly don't want to treat a spouse that way. But I did not want to be cheated on either. And I think once you cheat on and nearly destroy your spouse you lose some freedoms.


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## EMMSY1 (Jan 4, 2011)

Hi Everyone, once again thank you all this is a really helpful place to be right now. Last nite was the first nite I slept without visions of the "NON sugarplum fairy " in my head. I talked at length with h last night because for some reason I felt empowered.. (a big thanks to you all) I told him he needed to set his own boundaries and live by them and I told him that mine was that I refused to accept any contact between them. I told him he was by no means off the hook, that I would have good days and bad that things would never be the same that he had changed our lives forever... I told him if he couldn't commit to me and the children that he should let us move on and not suffer for his selfishness ( see I told you big strong words.. I know they could change in a skinny minute.) This is an extremely painful place to be and some part of me thinks I have gone into self preservation and have put it away so i dont have to live through it all it would be so much easier to pretend it never happened....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am glad you were able to talk with him Emmsy. Did he make it clear to you that he agreed to the "no contact"?? 

If it helps any, I had days where I just completely pulled myself out from my life, and it almost felt like I was watching my life from a different view, and I needed it just to get through that day. These things are emotionally exhausting. Honestly, posting here and getting advice from the people here can truly help you sort out things.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think that it sounds promising so far, but in the meantime, are you working to strengthen yourself? If it really came down to the big D, would you be ready?
Tell him what I tell people who cross me: (fortunately, I never have to use this with the W, but as the father to a daughter who will be a teen in a few years, I may have to keep it handy) I will trust, but I will also VERIFY.


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## penny james (Nov 23, 2017)

I am in the same situation as you but I am leaving him


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