# Do I trust her?



## Andy11 (Jul 27, 2013)

In May my wife of 7 years said she wanted to separate. I talked her in to counselling. I thought things were going ok until I found text messages from another man of a sexual nature, when confronted she said nothing physical had happened. Emotionally they were involved but that was it. At the time they become involved we were not communicating and I could understand why this happened. She said that it had stopped and would not contact him any more, which would be hard as they worked for the same company but 1000 km apart.
3 days ago I found a word document my wife had prepared to send to him, I asked her why she done this and she said it was for closer and she does not want to contact him any more. She wants us to continue counselling and wants to be with me and the email was a stupid thing to do. To me the email read as if he stopped the relationship with her(she said it was the other way round).
What do I do next? How can I trust her? I have told her she has to move out but am not sure if that is best(we have a 5year old son).


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

First do you want do you want the marriage to continue? Assuming that is a yes, why do you want her to move out? Does it help or hurt the relationship? Is it punishment? I know you are mad, that is understandable, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face, that is counter productive. Also the separation does not only punish her but affects your son as well. 

Do you trust her? Obviously not or you wouldn't be here, but I do think this is fixable. I would say if this is an isolated case and there are no other instances, than a little trust is deserved, but also need to be verified. Certainly an emotional affair is harmful to the relationship and through counseling she needs to come to understand the harm she has done. I don't know of other issues, but assume that there are some, those need to be addressed as well.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My suggestion:

1) Do separate for 90 days and the both of you need to fully determine if want the marriage to continue. You both need time alone to do this without any pressure or manipulation.

2) If she (and you) does want the marriage to continue she has to tell the WHOLE truth and provide copies of emails, texts... to your satisfaction.

3) If the other guy is married, your wife MUST contact her and fully confess to what happened. You must be present when this is done.

4) **AND MOST IMPORTANT** After the 90 days if she wants to reconcile she must, with a witness present, immediately show you her phone with all texts and all email (including work emails), Facebook, telephone call log... and prove to your satisfaction she had zero contact with him during that time. If she has, or if she hesitates or starts with the excuses, then you know their betrayal (and others) will never end. 

I wish you well.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> My suggestion:
> 
> 1) Do separate for 90 days and the both of you need to fully determine if want the marriage to continue. You both need time alone to do this without any pressure or manipulation.
> 
> ...



I can't agree with separation...Time after time the EA go's PA as soon as the wife gets out of the house....I would suggest a strong 180 and in house separation....Move into a spare room, basement, etc.....

the rest is good sound advice...

the woodchuck


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Clearly, if she has a need form"closure" then the OM relationship is beyond what is appropriate for a married woman.

She is having an affair.

So you need to deal with it as the affair it is.

1. Exposure, of her and of him. Is he married?

2. How did they meet? At work yes, but in detail how did they meet, and how did this relationship develop and grow? That situation has to be addressed and stopped for ever.

3. Complete transparency for her. She is not allowed to have this relationship in private. She shouldn't be writing him letters without telling you me showing you, she should be telling of every communication he has with her.

4. If you want to save the marriage you need to be prepared to not compromise on anything to do with the affair - no final goodbyes, no contact at all, no privacy for her and him.

And most of all - she does not owe him anything to deal with his hurt over being dumped. This scumbag is having and affair with a married woman - he doesn't get treated nicely, he is not nice or worthy of nice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and you need you to dig deeper to see if it has gone PA .

No separation, that only gives her privacy and freedom to have the affair. That's why she wants it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. The OM dumped her.
2. She needed closure because it was a sexual affair
3. You are the back-up plan B for now.
4. Get tested for STD's.
5. See an attorney to understand your options.

She has shown you that she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Post the word document here and let us determine if she's being honest with you about it being her choice to end the relationship, you are too involved to look at it in an unbiased way.

If she's found to be lying to you then she's either gotta come clean with you or else you must kick her to the curb, the relationship cannot survive without honesty.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Andy11 said:


> In May my wife of 7 years said she wanted to separate. I talked her in to counselling. I thought things were going ok until I found text messages from another man of a sexual nature, when confronted she said nothing physical had happened. Emotionally they were involved but that was it. ).


It was a romance. She says "emotionally they were involved." The messages you saw were sexual. The combination of those two things - sex and emotional connection - makes for a love affair. Even if they never met, they probably were having some type of sexual connection, maybe they had phone sex, cam sex. Then again, maybe they met up, too. If they worked for the same company, even 1000 km apart, it is possible that one or the other had to travel or was able to travel. Or they could have met up halfway.

*Can you check the phone bill and see when these messages started?*



Andy11 said:


> At the time they become involved we were not communicating and I could understand why this happened. She said that it had stopped and would not contact him any more, which would be hard as they worked for the same company but 1000 km apart.
> 3 days ago I found a word document my wife had prepared to send to him, I asked her why she done this and she said it was for closer and she does not want to contact him any more. She wants us to continue counselling and wants to be with me and the email was a stupid thing to do. To me the email read as if he stopped the relationship with her(she said it was the other way round).
> What do I do next? How can I trust her? I have told her she has to move out but am not sure if that is best(we have a 5year old son).


Is the word document part of the email that read as if he stopped the affair?

Believe your own eyes. If the email sounded like he ended it, then he ended it. Cheaters are liars. When it comes to the affair, you can't believe a word they say unless it is supported by verifiable proof or actions. He probably doesn't want the drama or want any trouble at his own doorstep.

Is he married? If so, tell his wife what he's been up to.

If you want to know what your wife has been up to, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty Velcro and put it under the seat of her car for a couple of weeks. Cheaters like to talk in the car, either to their affair partners or to a friend they are confiding in.

You wanted to save the marriage before you knew she was in an affair, so I am assuming you still want to save the marriage. The first order of business is to put an end to the affair. That involves putting some heat on the other man by telling his wife and possibly by telling his superiors at the job (especially if his position is higher rank than hers). Affairs tend to die down when the cheaters are caught, then start up again a few weeks later when the initial storm has passed. By telling the other man's wife and the superiors at work, you put added pressure and extra eyes to prevent the renewed affair.

I suggest not separating from your wife if she wants to stay and work on the marriage - as long as she is willing to meet all of your conditions. Those should be a handwritten no contact letter to the other man, given to you for proofreading and mailing, giving up all passwords, agreeing not to delete any messages or history, changing her cell phone number, deleting facebook and any other social media, and giving up her email (she can share yours). When you feel comfortable, when she has re-built some trust, she can get those back.

Also, you should ask her for a complete timeline of the affair, when and how it started, when the sex talk started, when the I love you's started, and you should tell her you might want her to take a polygraph if the story doesn't make sense. I also suggest asking her to get tested for STDs.

I also suggest you tell her that all of this is up to her. You are not trying to control her, you can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept and not willing to accept in a marriage. If she wants the other guy, she should go to him, you will help her back and buy her the ticket, good riddance. If she wants you, she has to quit the affair and commit to you and the marriage.

If you recognize your own faults in the marriage, tell her that also, and tell her that you will work on improving no matter what happens with your relationship. Reconciling will require both of you to improve the marriage, but the cheating and resulting consequences to help you heal from it are all on her.

If she does not want to offer you the transparency to verify that she has ended the affair, then stay separated and proceed to divorce.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

bryanp said:


> 1. The OM dumped her.
> 2. She needed closure because it was a sexual affair
> 3. You are the back-up plan B for now.
> 4. Get tested for STD's.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

How do you like being plan B? Nobody should be plan B.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Let her stay in the home---but move her and all her clothes into a small room somewhere in the home--she is to be kicked out of the marital bedroom----no mr nice--guy---and no lovey--dovey---till she fully exhibits that she wants to be in this mge

You have shown her a hard line, by demanding she leave---you are going to modify that position, by letting her stay---but everything else stays hard and firm---even as to telling her D, could be on the table.---do not make this easy for her---she has to know what she has done---she has to know, there is to be accountability and consequences----so for now, and until she shows she wants to stay in the mge, and with you, cuz she truly loves you thru normal thick and thin---do not make things easy on her----

make her do ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Seriously... 


*NO.*


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Chances are there is a lot more to this she is not telling you.

The fact that he is 1000 km away and this was going on still suggests to me that they met on some type of work conference or trip and it probably went PA at that time and she has been continuing the A through other means after she came back.

Demand she take a polygraph. You will probably get a parking lot confession of how bad this was. If she refuses, tell her to you that means she is lying and it was a PA and its obvious she is not remorseful for it since she will not tell the truth.

And since she has no true remorse, tell her you will file for divorce.

If it gets to this point, expose the A to both your families. Expose the POS to his W/GF if he has one and also to HR of the company.

If you want her to be truthful and truly remorseful, you are going to have to play hardball with her. She has to see the consequences of what she has done to you and her family and what she is in danger of losing.

Until she sees this, she will continue to show limited remorse and to gas-light you about what really went on.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She told you that contact HAD STOPPED -----THEN you find another email she was sending to him. If contact had actually stopped there would be no need for "closure" - right?

She is lying to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cheaterville.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I can't agree with separation...Time after time the EA go's PA as soon as the wife gets out of the house....I would suggest a strong 180 and in house separation....Move into a spare room, basement, etc.....
> 
> the rest is good sound advice...
> 
> the woodchuck


Then it would happen either way and why bother staying together? If during the trial separation period there was zero contact then it can be determined that the desire to reconcile is serious and even starts to rebuild trust.


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## Andy11 (Jul 27, 2013)

Yes he is married. Yes I want it to work.
She says that she has not kept any emails or text. (I can not check phone records as it is a company phone and email)? She says I need to focus on the way forward and that I am just torturing myself and that I will always have doubts. She has now offered to move out but later said she still wants to work through it. She admits to ruining things and hope we can move forward.
It was part my fault for her looking else where, we had no communication at the time and since the affair we have been great together and planning for the future.
I can handle going to counselling and then reevaluate from there.
Maybe I am plan B but for my sons sake I need to be sure that this is done and dusted..
Thanks again all


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Here are explicit instructions on how to find out the current situation.
VARs

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K and sensitivity to very high or better. Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got your info from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

You've seen the tip of the iceberg.

Unfortunately you are at the front end of tickle truth.

Only you know what is right for you. I will tell you in my situation every time I was told it was "for ending" it was a lie to throw me off track in order to shut me up. Don't believe it.

This is hard to do when you WANT TO BELIEVE but the best words of advice I can tell you are to trust your gut. It doesn't lie. Other people do.

Best of luck bro.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Andy11 said:


> Yes he is married. Yes I want it to work.
> She says that she has not kept any emails or text. (I can not check phone records as it is a company phone and email)? She says I need to focus on the way forward and that I am just torturing myself and that I will always have doubts. She has now offered to move out but later said she still wants to work through it. She admits to ruining things and hope we can move forward.
> It was part my fault for her looking else where, we had no communication at the time and since the affair we have been great together and planning for the future.
> I can handle going to counselling and then reevaluate from there.
> ...


Let the other guy's wife know asap then you will see if it is over.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I agree with the other posters. You should tell the POS's wife.

This has a good chance of providing you more insight into what this really is too.

If your WS reacts to the news that you exposed POS with extreme anger, then she most definitely still has feelings for the A and little remorse for what she has done to you.

DO NOT inform your WS that you are going to tell scumbag's W. She may very well try to tip him off and protect him.

While this would give you absolute proof she was still in the A emotionally, it will deny you the chance to have another pair of eyes watching to make sure this bs doesn't start up again.

If you find that you cannot move on lacking the full knowledge of how much she betrayed you, I suggest scheduling a poly after telling her that if she is still hiding things, you are done.

Chances are good that you will get a 'parking lot' confession if there is more to it, as has happened with many other posters here.

And if she refuses, then that truly gives you all the info you need about how far this really went. If she has nothing to hide she would gladly take it to give you peace of mind.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Also, after rereading your original post, I see another big benefit to getting in contact with POS's W.

If POS did indeed break up with your W, it could very well be because his W discovered the affair and if this is so, she may very well have more info about what was really going on.

You contacting her would give you the chance to share what each other knows.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to tell his wife, she probably already knows, but you need her to ride his arse like a Kentucky Derby winner to give him incentive to stay the heck away. Again assuming that this is the one and only time, then get into counseling and see if this can't be fixed before throwing in the towel. However, you need to confront her with this "you just got to get past this stuff" kind of statements. This is sweeping the issue under the rug and will lead to you more misery. She wants you to get past it, so she doesn't have deal with it anymore (red flag). If this is to be successful and I think it can be, it must start with her being contrite and not shifting the blame for recovery on to you.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

No

Explode it all. All of it


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Andy11 said:


> Yes he is married. Yes I want it to work.
> She says that she has not kept any emails or text. (I can not check phone records as it is a company phone and email)? She says I need to focus on the way forward and that I am just torturing myself and that I will always have doubts. She has now offered to move out but later said she still wants to work through it. She admits to ruining things and hope we can move forward.
> It was part my fault for her looking else where, we had no communication at the time and since the affair we have been great together and planning for the future.
> I can handle going to counselling and then reevaluate from there.
> ...


If this is your reasoning .. then you are essentially agreeing to have a polygamous relationship with you being the only loyal one. Read between the lines of what she has told you ... she has detached from you. You can love her with all your heart and it won't matter because she loves someone else.

*Find your self-respect and start planning for a life without her in it.*


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Andy11 said:


> Yes he is married. Yes I want it to work.
> She says that she has not kept any emails or text. (I can not check phone records as it is a company phone and email)? She says I need to focus on the way forward and that I am just torturing myself and that I will always have doubts. She has now offered to move out but later said she still wants to work through it. She admits to ruining things and hope we can move forward.
> It was part my fault for her looking else where, we had no communication at the time and since the affair we have been great together and planning for the future.
> I can handle going to counselling and then reevaluate from there.
> ...


You own 50% of the relationship, she owns 100% of the alleged EA...

If I had an AP that worked for the same company, I don't think 1000 km would keep us from hooking up at least a couple of times a year....

I think you must assume PA until you have ruled it out.....That means a polygraph.....

All the other steps apply, take care of your health, exercise, eat, get as much rest as possible...

Take steps to protect your finances....

Have her go totally transparent...

VAR's are a must....

Also tell her you are going to expose to his wife........

Get the VAR's in place before you discuss the polygraph, and exposing him....she may panic and contact him.....

See of you can contact anyone at her work, asking when OM will be back in town.....Pretend you are a sales rep, or anything that will instill confidence.....Tell them you met her at their office once before.....

All bets are off, It is OK for you to use underhanded methods to get information....A simple text to him...I'm pregnant...might flush him out....

cold fact

the woodchuck


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Andy11 said:


> Yes he is married.


Have you exposed to his wife? First step is to kill the affair and make sure it doesn't come back.



Andy11 said:


> She says that she has not kept any emails or text. (I can not check phone records as it is a company phone and email)?


So she basically has carte blanche to cheat with this guy and you have no way to check on it?

WHAT ABOUT A VOICE-ACTIVATED RECORDER in her car to help you discover the truth?

WHAT ABOUT A POLYGRAPH?



Andy11 said:


> She says I need to focus on the way forward and that I am just torturing myself and that I will always have doubts.


This is called RUGSWEEPING. "Just forget about it, dear, it was nothing, I was the one who did all this damaging behavior, YOU are the one who will just have to suck it up and deal with it. Good for me, sucks for you." IS THIS WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO?



Andy11 said:


> She has now offered to move out but later said she still wants to work through it. She admits to ruining things and hope we can move forward.


If you move forward with things the way they are - no way to verify her communications, no exposing to the other man's wife, no exposing at work, no consequences other having to deal with you being upset - she will be back at this affair very shortly. As soon as the initial storm passes. Look at the other threads on this forum. Your situation is just like them.



Andy11 said:


> *It was part my fault for her looking else where.*
> 
> I can handle going to *counseling* and then reevaluate from there. Maybe I am plan B but *for my sons sake* I need to be sure that this is done and dusted. Thanks again all.


There are about 100 other ways she could have gone about this other than cheating. Her affair was her choice, the way she chose to deal with it.

Counseling only works if both parties are committed to it. It won't work if your wife still is continuing the affair.

I understand about being concerned for your son. I agree you should try to work this out for his sake. But the way you are going about it, she is just going to continue to cheat.

At the very least, tell the other man's wife and get a voice-activated recorder in place.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You are being trickle truthed.

Contact OM's ASAP.

No, you cannot trust your wife... not at all.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You are being trickle truthed.

Contact OM's ASAP.

No, you cannot trust your wife... not at all.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Andy11 said:


> Yes he is married. Yes I want it to work.
> She says that she has not kept any emails or text. (I can not check phone records as it is a company phone and email)? She says I need to focus on the way forward and that I am just torturing myself and that I will always have doubts. She has now offered to move out but later said she still wants to work through it. She admits to ruining things and hope we can move forward.
> It was part my fault for her looking else where, we had no communication at the time and since the affair we have been great together and planning for the future.
> I can handle going to counselling and then reevaluate from there.
> ...



This i going to be hard but it is likely that the affair was physical unless you have explicit proof it was otherwise(You wife promises don't count. Swearing on children and parent's don't count.) She is not an adolescent to indulge in sexting and leave it at that. You already guessed why the relationship was in the sh!tter during this phase of the relationship. How long did you remain separated ? What she did is the most common operandi for an cheater in an affair. Move out and separate. Then check if the relationship with this other guy works out. In the mean time, keep hubby as the back up in case it does not work out or if the OM wouldn't leave the wife.

Did you read the document she prepared for him ?


She probably can get you the company records


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Classic cheaters script written all over it. And it looks like you are so desperate to save the marriage, its going to take a lot to convince you.

Back to the communication problem. If you get the timeline down, you will probably find it was the result of an affair, not the cause of it. Affair partners cause trouble in their marriages to make themselves feel better about cheating.

Get the vars and after checking them a week or so, tell her you have set up a polygraph and you need her to write out a timeline that you will coroborate with the lie detector.
Do not back out of the test no matter what else she admits to.

Does your wife have to travel?

Put him on cheaterville and the watch the fallout.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So things weren't going well at home----just out of curiosity do the 2 of you happen to know there is a thing called TALKING TO EACH OTHER---specially when you have a kid----stop taking the blame---you were a part of the cause of the marital problems---but you didn't go running off to another woman

Why didn't she spend the time forcing you to talk to her---instead of running to her lover

Never allow her to sweep her cheating under the rug---it stays out in the open---forever---IF THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED

If she doesn't like things as they need to be for a R---tell her she can see an atty and file for D

Last thing---do not stay in a mge cuz of the kids---many times they are way better off---in split happy homes---than a combined MISERABLE home----just don't say you are gonna R---unless your cheating wife, by her ACTIONS---shows she wants the mge to work, for the right reasons---and one of those reasons is cuz she truly loves you----at this point that is very much in doubt---BASED ON HER PREVIOUS ACTIONS


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, believe nothing she tells you. If she swears on someone's /anyones life, especially your kids, its really bad.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She says I need to focus on the way forward and that I am just torturing myself and that I will always have doubts.


*
Whoa! Hold da bus!!!* 

*YOU* need to focus on the way forward? 

*You *are just torturing yourself? 

Yeah, cuz, like, all dis is your fault, dude, riiiiiiight?

Time for someone to Own Their Stuff and for her to focus on the way forward and for her to stop the torture on you that she caused.

And if you will always have doubts? Why, it's just time for her to work her damnedest to mitigate those doubts of yours. That she caused.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Andy

Lack of communication is an issue in most marriages. It s not a reason why your wife she cheated.

You need to find out the truth. 

Expose the OM. Contact his wife. And do not tell your wife you are doing this.

When your wife gets upset then tell her you want all the truth.

Your marriage is young. Your child is young. Your wife wants o rugsweep the affair and her issues.

Do not let her do this or she will do it again.....

HM


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

You didn't say what she wrote in that letter. Was there love confessions, future plans, was she hoping to continue with OM? You need to think about her working in the same place with OM. It's not going to work for reconciliation.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, believe nothing she tells you. If she swears on someone's /anyones life, especially your kids, its really bad.


Its an inside joke here that if a person swears on their childrens lives the probability of a full fvcking physical affair goes to 100 percent.

Women who separate do it to make hookups easier. How many times have we told the husband to drive by the wifesnew place around 10 pm sat night and there is an extra car in the driveway...

Ugh what was the name of the last one where she was living with mom. he followed her to the mall from her moms house where he actually saw them greet each other before going to dinner then a bar then.... It was recent.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

After rereading OP's last post, I'm afraid he is not going to follow any of the advice about contacting OMW and is just going to rugsweep this. 

Sad. I hope he is not back here soon having been burned again even worse, but I would not be surprised at all.


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