# Looking for perspective and healing



## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

About 2 months ago, my 30 year old wife and best friend of nearly 7 years, after starting to exhibit some signs of depression, announced to me that she "loved me but was not in love with me"...that we were best friends, but no more. She told me that she has feelings for a person from her past (somebody she knew from about age 16-18) who has recently gotten back in touch with her.

Understand, my wife and I were inseparable, and the little amount of time we got for leisure, we always wanted to be together...both of us. We got a late start in life doing the right stuff and we/I spent the past several years working 2 jobs to pay off old debt, which we succeeded in, and then we both started going to school while still working full time.

Much of our hard work paid off, and we got in a good financial position, and decided to plan a big trip to explore China, but shortly canceled after I convinced my wife that we should use the tax credit opportunity and buyers market to buy our first home, then reschedule the trip a few months later, which we did.

Shortly after rescheduling the trip and buying the house, I got laid off. Although I got a new job within 2 months, we had to cancel the trip again. All along, my wife was really reaching burnout, needing some relief.

Well, to make a long story short, a few months after we bought the house and had to cancel the trip, there was a period of a few weeks where she started to go into a depression, stating that she hated the house, and being tied down, but she realized it was a good investment. Neither of us really liked the location of the house, but it was where we could afford, and we agreed on it. We have always been not the 'live in the city' types, and this house is a ways out from the city.

Anyway, it happened suddenly. One weekend we were going for a nice romantic walk on the trail, talking about where we were going to retire, then the next weekend she is telling me she doesn't love me, and the "spark was never there"...she has been feeling this way for years, and started telling me that her feelings for this other guy have been in the back of her mind for years. I asked if we could go to counseling, she said maybe, but by the next day she said she wanted to move out for a separation. After fighting it, I finally said 'whatever...there is nothing I can do to stop you'. I mean, she wouldn't even give us a chance to try to work on it, after 10 years! I had no idea this was coming, and if she would have told me we could have at least had a fighting chance! Sure we had our problems like every marriage, but nothing major.

Anyways, at the end of that week, she left for work. I gave her a kiss on the cheek, and I have not seen her since...nearly 2 months. A couple of days after she left that last day, I got an email saying she wanted to pursue divorce and move out...which is exactly what she did. Within another week and a half, she had her own place, and had filed for divorce. She has since moved in with this other guy (at least I think), and the clock is ticking on the 90 day waiting period. After getting into a couple of fights on the phone (she wanted to let the house foreclose so she could just walk away, I said 'not gonna happen), she emailed me and said she changed her phone number, as communicating by email would allow us to be more amicable. She said some really mean, hurtful things during those conversations...it's like she is a totally different person than the person I spent nearly every day for the past 10 years with. So now, she has totally moved on for her exciting new life and left me in the dust to deal with the pieces and handle the short sale of the house.

I am heartbroken. This is the last thing I would have EVER expected with us. Everybody who knows us is shocked. We were best of friends, inseparable, every weekend going on exploratory hikes, drives, visits to small hamlet towns, reading books together, walking the beach.

Any time I email with her now (as this is the only way I have to get a hold of her), I get the whole "you'll heal with time, but this is for the best and you'll see that some day" BS.

Yes, we had intimacy issues when it came to closeness and sex (she was never that much into it), but she always said it was because she had intimacy problems, not necessarily WITH ME.

My wife has a very turbulent past...moved out at 13, drugs and alcohol for years before we got together and cleaned up (we both have drugs and alcohol in our past, but now we're Christian and sober for many years, occasional wine). This leaving is a pattern for her. The guy before me, she left 3 times, and once after we had been together for 2 years, she left me for a few months and then came back....I guess I just thought that since this time we were married, and had been back together for 8 years that that behavior was in the past...if for no other reason than she made me feel like I was her everything, and I was a great husband to her. Never abusive, cheating or anything. My biggest flaw was pushing for things I wanted at times, but overall I was a good husband, just like she was a good wife (I thought).

My questions for feedback are:
1) How do I get over this feeling of being left behind? It's so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that somebody that I was so close with for so long, I may never see again. That she spends the night far away from me, that our futures are totally and completely separate from each other...it's heartbreaking.

2) How can I stop beating myself up and blaming myself? The self blame, self analysis "what if" "coulda shoulda woulda" game is killing me...

3) What's the best tactic in dealing with her? I would love it if she changed her mind and came back before the divorce is final (even though I would be scared she would leave again), but I can't decide if I should email her and try to reason, act aloof and as if I'm OK, try to be romantic, or just cut off contact.

Any advice is appreciated. This kills me a little bit, day by day, to be without the beautiful girl that I loved with all that I am, and who I was going to travel the world with. It's especially hard, as after all the years of working 2 jobs and the school / work thing, we were just on the verge of beginning to enjoy the fruits of our hard labor, by actually having time to live a little and start experiencing life starting next year.

All of my friends and family say they think it's not about me, it's about her, and that it would have happened sooner or later. She has a history of sabotaging good things that happen to her, and thinking the grass is greener on the other side....I don't know....Advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Wow you just described my wife ? Lol . Sorry for being light hearted but we are in the same boat. Sorry no drink offer as it is way early for that. 

Little bit of back ground . I have been working full time and going to school full time for a better job and opportunity in life so when my W got pregnant she wouldn't have to work ( due to high risk pregnancy as in she had been pregnant 3 times and never made it all the way). I spent my time either working , school , or working on her car or helping people out. We didn't have any real issue though her being from a small town ; she came to live with me and start making a lot more money. She became a bit selfish. 

My W I guess fell out of love with me while I was killing myself for her. It sucks. It happened. I can't change it nor would I. Due to all the emotions this has brought me I withdrew from school. But I recently as late last year got a job in my field of training and its going great. Sucky part is we just bought a house (but I tried to use the kidneys in my head knowing she wouldn't be able to work at all if pregnant ) so its something I could afford for the most part solo. Its a struggle =P. 

It sounds like you have done your job and lived up to your vows. People nowadays are nuts. Your W was wrong for letting you buy the house if she thought in her head it would make things better. Thank God you two didn't decide to have a baby instead. 

Replies to your questions:
1.Get out of the house. Sometimes we feel like its so dark inside and I think its due to our hearts and the turmoil inside of it. When it gets to be too much get on your knees and pray. Then go outside and do anything. Even if its to walk around Walmart. Careful on the spending sprees.

2.This is one you will just have to realize. I beated myself up as well. This caused a lot of stressful moments but you will realize you gave of yourself for your W. You did what you had to for her happiness as well as your own.

3. Leave her alone. Karma is a sob. Repeat step one. Get out of the house. Go do something. Its funny because I have been separated now about 3 months and this past weekend was a friend bachelor party. So we went out to hit up some of his customers for discount on drinks. The amount of fishes in the sea are so great. It really opened my eyes to see there is a future. That all the bad stuff I thought of myself was fabricated by my W's own personal problems. 

Our situation sucks. We have been loyal and truthful but we got the short end of the stick. All you can do is focus on your own peace and working on getting past these feelings. I know you don't want to move on and I still don't. I am in a divorce I don't want. But maybe its a life lesson for you or for her. For now work through the feelings and leave her to her own destruction as bad as that sounds. I just recently found out about karma biting my W. I am surprised she didn't call me or coming running back for me to fix it for her like I always have done. This shows her resolve or it shows how guilty she feels for doing what she has to me. Regardless , get on your knees and be thankful for having a job and still being able to walk , talk , and breathe air.


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## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

Thanks for your encouragement! Getting through one day at a time. I pray for you and all others on this site going through this hell.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Your story sounds shocking! I'm so sorry for your pain.

I agree with Carefulthoughts. All his advice is good. 

In addition, I'd like to offer encouragement in one area. You describe massive amounts of effort in the area of debt reduction and self improvement. You say all the hard work is just about to pay off. Realize the position you are in and what you have to offer in a new relationship. You thought of the investment in terms of your marriage, but it still pays off for you personally. You are a better person because of it. And, in the future, some woman will appreciate and desire you for it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Google Walkaway Wife Syndrome.


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## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

Will do. Thanks for the tip.


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