# Does spouse have a disorder? If so, can we overcome?



## daisydawn (Apr 8, 2009)

I was hoping someone might give me some insight.

I've been married 24 years. Does my spouse have a disorder? If so, can we overcome it?

The bad of my spouse: At times angry and controlling. Occassionally breaks things in anger. Intense. Over-reacts to most bad-news situations. Not physically abusive (but has smacked me on cheek once and kids on cheek a few times). Pushy, shovey, bullyish. Overbearing at times. Can be intimidating. Dismissive. Frequent road rage. Wound tight. Fascinated with organized crime. Likes his electronic survellience gadgets, like tracking device. Uses the F and GD words a lot when frustrated. Needs attention, talks about own activities but doesn't want too hear much of others. Often refers to some people as "idiots". Has become viloent a few times... beat up a punk, cussed out the neighbor, etc. No charges, though. Self-medicates.

Negative most of the time, I call him Chicken Little. Obsessed with belongings and money. Saves everything. Perfectionist.

Very little time passes before he is requesting/suggesting another task be completed by me or kids... Did you go to the bank? Will you take out the garbage, will you clean your room, when can we spring clean the garage, would you do the dishes soon, etc etc. 

Has high expectations of others, kids say they can never satisfy him no matter how they do it. When doing a task, pushes us all, doesn't know when to quit. Doesn't smile much at home. I tell him it must be miserable to be him. He says he's happy. Goofs off at times to point of being innappropriate, like a little kid.

The good of my spouse: Successful, focused, an achiever. Charming, intellectual and smart. Can be very helpful to others, creative, innovative, motivated, disciplined. Follows through, handy, takes care of stuff, a mover and a shaker. Loves me and kids very much, is sensitive and caring at times. 

He's a walking contradiction. As easily as he can express all his disappointment in me, he can also express how much he admires and loves me.

Our marriage has suffered because of his "issues". We have both been unfaithful. I lost myself for a long time. I've been seeing a therapist now for over a year. I'm getting stronger and I have successfully gotten him to change for the better in some ways. I have not depended on him financially for over 15 years now. But in other ways, there has been no progress. Or his frustration at having to "go along" with me starts manifesting in other unbecoming behaviors. We are friendly, but the intimacy just isn't there. 

I carry resentment from his past behavior. I'm not getting any younger. I'm growing weary of trying to diagnose him, of trying to fix this thing, of trying to keep the peace between him and us, of avoiding confrontation. I'm glad when he isn't home. I'm longing for a day when I can enjoy a healthy relationship.

My burning questions are: Does my spouse have a disorder? Can he change? Am I emotionally too washed out to ever get that feeling back? When will I know when to stay or move on? I cannot continue at this pace for much longer. I'm not happy, even though I'm generally a very good-natured person.

I'm so sorry to be so long. I think it was good just for me to actually get that out in writing.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I would recommend reading the following:

1. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship - Beverly Engel

2. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay - Mira Kirshenbaum

I could relate to some of your comments and found useful information in both the books above.

Sorry I can't offer more than that.


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## Hardened Heart (Apr 8, 2009)

I too have had to deal with emotional abuse and verbal abuse. I beleive people can change if they want too. I am lost in my marriage as well and I think we are going to try counseling. If he isn't up for that then maybe you need to present him with legal separation documents. Sometimes I think that when someone knows you are ready to move on they start to look back and realize how important you are to them. Otherwise, if they say okay then I think you know what your answer is. 

Stop trying to figure out what is wrong with them, I have tried to do that and it can make you crazy. Men suck is the conclusion I have come too. 

Do you bring in an income? How old are your children?


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## daisydawn (Apr 8, 2009)

D8zed,

Thank you so much for the response. I just read the reviews for Too goo to leave and believe it is going to be very helpful. I', going to run, not walk, to buy it. Thanks again.


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## daisydawn (Apr 8, 2009)

HH,
You are so right about stoping trying to find out what is wrong with him. He was willing to go to counseling at one point. BTW, he IS a therapist. I was too selfish to share my therapist, and now with the economy down my spouse is working two jobs and wouldn't have time, for now anyway. He might find time if I absolutely pushed it.

I have two teens and I bring in plenty of income. Thanks for your response.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

The fact that he is a therapist is scary. It just shows anyone can be the person you trust that is your therapist. Ridiculous. 

He sounds paranoid and he is definitely abusive from what you describe. I do not know what he has but I bet he has a problem with authority, that is why he is the therapist and will not go see one himself....because he IS authority.

This sounds complex but it doesnt seem to fit any personality disorder (not an expert though). He has some kind of trauma that he hasnt dealt with and it comes out in his controlling/anger. I bet he has unresolved feelings of betrayal....


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Narcissistic disorder?


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## daisydawn (Apr 8, 2009)

I have looked at bipolar because of the mood swings. Close, but doesn't quite fit entirely. He's too functional to be bipolar, I think. I should look at narcissitic. But I suppose a diagnosis doesn't matter. It would be helpful, though. 

I just wondered if it sounded like a disorder in general to anyone. For years I would tell him he is "impossible" or he is "relentless", etc. He would just tell me it's normal for people to behave inappropriately at times. He would tell me everyone has their own issues, and you don't always recognize that until you live with someone. 

Finally, over the past year, I've confronted him on these issues articulately enough that he has been forced to acknowledge he has some issues. At a time or two of weakness, he admited something is wrong with him, but said he feared seeking help because he feared finding out what is wrong with him, and he feared medication. I would never want him taking medication anyway. But the times of weakness don't last long. 

He's been easy to live with the past few days. We do have our easy days. But then he'll be miserable again.

One of the unhealthiest responses I have is constantly worrying about his response to any given situation. My heart starts to race when I know I'm doing something in a way he wouldn't approve. And then the coverup ensues...

Last year one of my daughter's brought home a poor grade card, so I chose not to show him either of thier cards, hoping he would forget. After a week or two, he inquired why hadn't anyone shown him the grade cards yet. I told him because he wasn't capable of responding appropriately, and until he could respond appropriately, he wouldn't be provided certain information.

Sadly, since then, I've decided not to share a lot with him, and now he just feels locked out of our lives. 

He has changed in many ways, but it seems he's resentful for having to do so. In other words, it's forced behavior change, but he still thinks the same way, like disapprovingly. He just doesn't verbalize it as much. 

My therapist says that is progress, but I am wearing thin. To be honest, I worry about even posting here or visiting this site, that he'll find out.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

No its not narcissism. Thats entirely different. Narcissist are completely enthralled by themselves. 

*I know I write long posts but I hope you are reading them...*

From what I'm reading I sense there is a dark past. He is traumatized by something and its why he feels the need to be in control...to know everything and to control it.

Over control is the issue here...not an overwhelming love of himself.
Besides, if he were narcissistic he would never show love or empathy on any level....from what I read he can be loving is that correct? 

The problem is when he starts to feel the control slipping out of his hands, be becomes overbearing. You just dont know when he is perceiving when he is losing control...sometimes you do...like that report card incident. Thats enough to set him off. When he goes nuts or needs to check all his surveillance videos, it could be because he is panicking and is experiencing PTSD. 

He has a lot of pent up anger and is paranoid of losing control of those around him. This is not necessarily a personality disorder, this is pure trauma.

The fact that he is unwilling to even explore it is a sign that its pretty bad. He feels ashamed and needs to keep it a secret...thats why he says he's afraid. Actually, if you can get him to be sincere with you that way, you can dig more into it because in a way he opened up to you. Take him somewhere safe, like a small quiet room and ask why. Tell him it is safe to tell you and that you love him. Be close to him, dont allow barriers between you like a table etc...

However, you dont have to do that. Its NOT your responsibility. You can inform him that if he doesnt look deep into his issues of control and paranoia then you will leave...because only he can want to change and ultimately change himself...its NOT your responsibility. Its his! He needs to save his family from his behavior. 

Does this help at all? He really needs a counselor. *I suggest couples counseling because only you can steer the topics in the right direction, otherwise he will just socialize and divert from the real issues.*

*-Panic Attacks-*
Oh and daisy, the feelings you are getting in your heart is an anxiety/panic attack. I know exactly what that is, and people that live with abusive spouses will get it eventually because you start to anticipate what he's going to do or say. 

Read my thread on anger. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/4845-anger-2.html . I discovered I have that too because of my wife's behavior. There are things you can do, but you need to see a counselor that specializes in anger and anxiety. They will help tremendously. You really need to take care of yourself first or you will not even be able to think when you go to couple's counseling, or even being at home with him. You guys might need to seperate and not talk so that you can calm down!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I really worry when a woman mentions anything remotely saying her husband hits her or the kids. That is totally unacceptable behavior, no matter if he has anger issues, or is bipolar or whatever diagnosis under the sun. Please don't wait for things to escalate, before you decide to leave. I hope your therapist is very familiar with abuse issues. Good luck.


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## daisydawn (Apr 8, 2009)

Thanks Tom! I read it all. Plus your anger post. I also have considered and mentioned a traumatic experience in his life that inevitably resulted in his behavior today. He pretty much laughed. I even thought, and addressed with him at one point, that he was gay or bisexual. At that point I was thinking he needed so much order in his life because he was trying to compensate for some serious internal disorder. I guess I was grasping at the time.

Today I started reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I was really excited about the promise of progress.

Then I had an MRI this afternoon for lower back pain and a cyst or tumor was found near or in my ovary. Now I'm just really scared as my older sister died four years ago at age 43 of Ovarian cancer. But I'll try to be rational until the doctor calls with his opinion after reading.

I wouldn't tell my girls, wouldn't want to scare them for no reason. Unfortunately, my H showed little interest. That's the saddest part. I know he loves me and it is scarey to him, too. But there was no hug, no "poor honey, I'm sorry", nothing really but discussion about his issues with work.

If I come through this clean, I think I know what I need to do.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well...he laughed at you because he is conceded about being a therapist. Do you see how being a therapist makes him righteous? His problem of trying to control things is what drove him to be a therapist...so that he can laugh in the face of anyone that tries to tell him he has a problem...afterall...how can HE have a problem if HE is a therapist?

The fact that he is unconcerned about your well being is pretty scary. My wife has absolutely no empathy, and if she does its usually strings attached and a way to manipulate me. 
Do you feel that sometimes he competes with your sicknesses? My wife absolutely gets jealous when I'm sick, I even caught her chatting up some guy online once when I had pneumonia and was bed ridden, telling the guy that SHE had pneumonia. WTF?
The worst part of it is, no one listens to me except my family...but thats like preaching to the quire. 
I'm much younger than you, but something my brother told me scared the crap out of me. He asked me what would happen if I was in an accident and ended up in the hospital with no arms or legs...who would care? Would she? Because I know my wife so well, and because I'm very familiar to how she reacts to my sicknesses or injuries....I know she would not be there for me. Maybe for a few months but she would just move on to the next jerk that gave her attention.

Honestly, I think its time to move on....you might have cancer! Ever seen Y tu mama Tambien? Or the Bucket List? Life is too short. Your kids will be fine, make sure to get a lawyer, you can start now and decide to follow through later. Its never too late. I bet you remember thinking about leaving years ago...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Daisydawn,

So sorry you are going through what you have decribed.. I too have gone through the same type of situations but with my stbxw... I found this webiste and read alot of the artiles and was amazed at how they described my situation to a tee... look the over and they may shed light on what you are going through...

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

God bless and best wishes to you...

Skin...


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## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

daisydawn said:


> I was hoping someone might give me some insight.
> 
> I've been married 24 years. Does my spouse have a disorder? If so, can we overcome it?
> 
> ...


Bi Polar people, or people who have any kind of disorder, usually end up self derstructing, and ruining any relationships they may have. Not all people, but ALOT. They can't help themselves. You must be willing to accept the disorder/disease from the very beginning, or else, it will fail(and even then, usually does).


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## daisydawn (Apr 8, 2009)

Wow, how incredibly insightful all of your responses are. The post linking to information on Borderline Personality Disorder certainly helped. While I know trying to diagnose can be futile, I now realize my quest is to find some understanding so I can know for certain whether it is salvageable or not, so I can understand the best approach to staying or separating. 

One thought I always maintained was that because our lives are so intertwined (kids, property,etc.) there was really no point in separating. The reasoning of that thought was that whether together or apart, there was always a reason for him to cause discord, so why bother. 

In reading about borderlines, I definitely connected with the person who said she felt like she was working even on her days off. It's exhausting. Part of the discord for me, although it may be subconscious on his part, are his frequent mini-crisis' and mini-conflicts, in addition to the frequent tasks needed to be done. Living with almost everyday presenting at least one mini crisis, it's hard to keep my feet on the ground. I too fantasized about him finding someone else to focus his energy on, then I wouldn't face so many challenges if we did separate. Silly thought.

So now my next step is to try to separate as much as possible from behaviors that keep me off guard. I'll try to focus on whether he can actually change, although I believe it is ingrained in the very person he is.

Lastly, I will try to be super-woman strong. I also read that as I become strong and emotionally independent, he will find me less interesting and attractive, become less attached. Who really knows.... But whatever happens, I want to make sure I have done everything possible, and that whatever direction I take, I take it rationally and resonably, avoiding as much conflict and discord as humanly possible. 

Thanks so much for all your help.


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