# Who is she?!



## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

BACKGROUND: My wife and I have been married for just over 11 years, we're both in our mid to late 40's and we have a 9-year-old son. We are both retired and I'm in school. 

According to my wife, in the beginning, our sex life wasn't that great, although I was happy with it. I'm pretty opened to anything my wife wants to do and have expressed this to her in very explicit terms on numerous occasions. I wasn't sure what she wanted, so I figured a direct approach would work, NOT!

One day I decided to take the bull by the horns and began buying a variety of sex toys. I received mixed reactions, but the toys seemed to invite a positive response. Unfortunately, the frequency of sex went WAY down, perhaps twice or once a month, times if I were super lucky. 

She's expressed on several occasions she does not have any fantasies, however, I find that a bit odd and wonder if she believes I'll think differently of her if she shares her fantasies or even things she'd like to do differently. 

Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, I have this unsettled feeling that there's something she's not telling me. 

I call her my closet freak! :laugh: because I know she is.

I know who she is, at least I thought I did. I've done everything from suggesting we have a 3rd person, she chooses, she asked me why I told her I thought it would be hot. She's told me several times that she's and into women. She asked if she could pick an old boyfriend, I said sure, she said, nope you failed.

I've taken her to a swingers club during a Vegas trip, she wanted to take her best friend back but I wasn't on the trip and forbid it. 

TODAY: My wife is currently on her way back home from her annual girls trip. As a thank you for helping her out with a homework assignment she sent me a photo of her wearing a robe from the resort which was parted down the middle of her breast and showing her entire pubic area... she was standing in the photo. I played along with the situation, pretending to be excited while casually asking other questions to satisfy my curiosity. 

Turns out her best friend of 20 years who is temporarily living with us took the picture(s). Wife says there's more, but doesn't want to send them to me. She says I can see them when she gets home if she hasn't deleted them by then. Says the day after arriving at the resort she had gotten out of the shower and decided to do them.

I've heard the saying when the "cat's" away the mice will play. Also, for some, when they are able to get away from the norm where drinks are flowing, things happen.

She's never done anything like this before. 

Are women just that comfortable with one another?

Should I be concerned?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I read your prior thread. In 2012, she was unfaithful while you were deployed and showed little regret or remorse--blamed you. Looks like y'all reconciled? She is also a victim of CSA. These are important facts when you are asking us to offer opinions about your above concerns


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Yes we’ve reconciled, however, she’s yet to address any issues surrounding past CSA.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Your spidey sense likely isn't wrong. 

If you want more sex than you're having one suggestion is quit talking about it so much and just firmly take as desired. 

This may seem like one of the common suggestions but in this case the success story seems likely. 

Perhaps it's best to not bring up a third person of the male variety or at all. Her you failed comment was a tell.

Take and you may have your desires. Take not and you may lose your options.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So she never had therapy for something like 7 years of CSA? Did your complete therapy after her affair? Other things we need to know over the past 6 years?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

No I have never been that comfortable with my best friend. SHe has since passed on, but we were bf's for 38 years! (Since we were babies.) 

Hell I was never that comfortable with my ex husband.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Its sounds to me that she does have fantasies but your just not part of them.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

We’re fine, not perfect, but fine. Could we be better, HECK YEAH, but who’s in a perfect relationship? Been in therapy and have acknowledged that everyday is a new day of decisions and choices. We adjusting, coping, adapting and most importantly getting along. 

She has not yet been in counseling for her past CSA, ever. I understand how those tramatic experiences have shaped her to being who she is today. We just discussed one on one counseling for her, she’s opened to it and will be pursuing counseling in the upcoming week.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

She is CSA survivor. You thought (at least subconsciously) that you are such a great guy (= nice, which turns out not to be great for you), and you would be understanding of your wife's past trauma, ans she would be so thankful to have found such a supportive guy that she would reward you with lots of enthusiastic sex. Hey, I understand. Lots of us did that. And now we are all here on TAM. Because it NEVER works that way.

If the CSA survivor has not already worked through her trauma and reconnected with her sexuality, the one kind of guy she will NOT provide enthusiastic sex to is the "nice guy" who is willing to wait. It is precisely because he is non-confrontational and patient that she picked him to marry. Precisely because she knew she would NOT have to have sex with him. Precisely because she knew he would NOT force her to confront her demons and move beyond her PTSD. She knew that if push came to shove she could flog him with her trauma and he would back down rather than dumping her over the lack of sex.

In most cases, where a woman behaves the way your wife has behaved, she loves the nice guy too much to have sex with him. It is the opposite of Madonna-w**** syndrome. She can't have enthusiastic sex with a guy she respects because sex is this dirty unloving animalistic thing you do with scum like the guy who raped you.

Yes, she can overcome this. Yes, she can work to reconnect with her sexuality and to see sex with her husband as something beautiful and healthy. But she has to want it for herself. Not because she fears her husband will leave if she doesn't. It is hard and painful work. It is like re-breaking a poorly set bone to enable the break to heal stronger. She has to take down the wall she built to keep the pain away - and that brings the pain flooding back. At least to start. I wish you both luck. I hope she chooses to do the work for the right reasons and stays with you through the process. But I would be lying if I said I think that is the most likely outcome.


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## civilian98 (May 4, 2012)

Frankly, if this is the case, I really don't mind not being in her fantasies. However, I'm willing to permit her to work them out if she so desires.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She is exactly who she has shown you. She is a women who pretty much keeps her real sexual self from you. At some point she is willing to give it to another man though and now to this friend. She doesn't seem interested in changing. Maybe you just need someone else.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

civilian98 said:


> Who is she?!


Likely the same woman you should've dumped years ago.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Responses in bold below




civilian98 said:


> According to my wife, in the beginning, our sex life wasn't that great, although I was happy with it.
> 
> *read @holdingontoit description of untreated CSA above. She married you because she did NOT see you as a sexually virile man. *
> 
> ...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks @oldshirt for hitting it on the nose.

@civilian98: I am 10 years older than you. It does not get easier to stay. Or to leave. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can be in a satisfying relationship. If you wait much longer, your son will be into middle school and then high school and you will think it is too disruptive to leave so you will stay until S9 is S19 and graduates high school or he is S23 and graduates college. And then instead of being late 40s you will be 60 and figure it isn't worth the cost and disruption to leave at all. So you will stay forever. Or until your wife gets tired of being with such a weak man and leaves to find someone she is attracted to. If you do not end the marriage when S9 leaves home, she may well do it for you.

The only redeeming aspect of my story is that my wife is staying despite the kids being out of the house. Her PTSD toward sex is so strong she wants to stay with me to avoid ever having to have sex again. Your wife sounds more motivated to have sex so she may well leave once S9 does. Oh, and there isn't actually anything redeeming about my story. Not sure if my wish for you is that your wife stays or she dumps you. I think "dumps you" would probably be the best thing she could do for you. if you are thinking "no, the best thing she could do is have sex with me" then you continue to live in denial.


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