# Can you help me work this out please



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Been married a long time, got teenage children (16+19) and not sure how I feel about my OH:scratchhead: My Parents pushed us into getting married, and there was no reason not to. That's how I see it 

We plod along quite nicely. But we had a long talk today about our sex life. Or lack of. I'm struggling to enjoy it. It feels like a chore to me. I am not sure I fancy him enough, but confused because sometimes I do fancy him. He's hard working, serious and a bit controlling at times, but he treats me right.

On the outside everything looks good and rosey. We have no financial worries, no mortgage, he always does the grocery shopping (not sure if that's relevant) and keeps himself tidy around the house. He takes me out for dinner once a week (but complains when I drink too much wine) 

I've felt "not right" in the marriage for years and years, so it's not surprising the sex is lacking. We don't want to split as it brings it's own issues, money, where to live etc.... yet we think if we do separate, yet remain "friends" our sex life will be loads better!! 

Sorry folks, I'm probably talking a load of nonsense but is all what I am feeling normal?? I need help to get in the right direction, especially in my head!!!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Maybe turn on the romance.. at least in your own brain/mind.
Wear some sexy underthings.. just for him. (not to work, not for everyday.) Find something that you wear just on you night out for dinner... then, when you get back... walk behind him when you get back to the house. Goose his tush. If he swings around & looks at you, act all innocent & look at the sky. say "hmmm?" Then, when you walk past him, rub his head. one quick stroke.

Later, when going to bed.. tell him you're wearing something special for him. That you've thought about him all night long while wearing it.. but that he has to find it.

Usually something like that will be enough to get the ball rolling (unless he is having ED issues?).. But even if he is.. then when you're laying there, you can whisper in his ear that you love feeling alive with him.. & you wish it would be like this more ofthen.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Is it possible you're suffering some mild depression and projecting it onto him?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

DameEdna said:


> We plod along quite nicely. But we had a long talk today about our sex life. Or lack of. I'm struggling to enjoy it. It feels like a chore to me. I am not sure I fancy him enough, but confused because sometimes I do fancy him. He's hard working, serious and a bit controlling at times, but he treats me right.


Have him get the Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Is it possible you're suffering some mild depression and projecting it onto him?


I wondered this too. I've read some of your other threads before Edna, and I can't help but wonder if you're in a bit of a funk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

When you "sometimes" fancy him - do you know why? Is it things he's done/said differently? Has it been related to your own mood? ...any idea why those moments of desire appear occasionally, even if they're not very often?

It's between the both of you, as for staying together or parting etc. You both deserve to feel loved. I've just asked a couple of questions, but I don't mean to suggest an outcome for you.


Personally I couldn't stay in a marriage for convenience. I need desire and love and passion and joy, and I'd want that for my husband too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

heartsbeating said:


> I wondered this too. I've read some of your other threads before Edna, and I can't help but wonder if you're in a bit of a funk?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:You could be right there!


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

heartsbeating said:


> When you "sometimes" fancy him - do you know why? Is it things he's done/said differently? Has it been related to your own mood? ...any idea why those moments of desire appear occasionally, even if they're not very often?
> 
> It's between the both of you, as for staying together or parting etc. You both deserve to feel loved. I've just asked a couple of questions, but I don't mean to suggest an outcome for you.
> 
> ...


Surely that's normal? You can't fancy your OH ALL of the time?:scratchhead: Surely there are moment when you really don't like each other? 

When we like each other, we are usually relaxed, often away from home (holiday/vacation etc) and having a lovely time doing something we both enjoy.

I am a dreamer, I bury my head in the sand with boring mundane every day things like household chores, money, work. He's more of a realist and keeps himself grounded (I suppose one of us has to)

We did have a long chat yesterday. It all boils down to him needing more sex and why am I so not interested in it. 

It was only when the moment had gone (much later) that I WISHED I'd have brought something else up that's SERIOUSLY bothering me......

His "secret" use of the computer, he doesn't do it very often any more, but it's an unspoken issue we've had for years. He tends not to do it when I am there, but I KNOW he's doing it. I believe he chats to other women online. I've done same in the past. I know how easy it is to get caught up in an online fantasy world. 

Since it's rare he and I have the kind of in-depth chats like we had yesterday, it'll be a long while before I can broach this subject......

Thank you for "listening":scratchhead:


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

need a change of routine - maybe both of your should do something new together and explore new hobbies and interests - that should help you increase chat topics and know each other better.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

sorry about your feeling farther away from your hubs... But, if the chating stuff bothers you.. than you need to say something. If you do it yourself occasionally, then, maybe his is just occasionally also.. maybe he is just trying to fill the emotional void that you are not filling.

Or ... maybe it's just porn. Maybe he's not chatting to anyone.

But realize, it takes a woman a LOT longer to get "in the mood" than a man. Unfortunetly, the older we get, the truer that statement. If I want to give hubby a satisfying session.. I need to start thinking sexy thoughts & thinking about being cuddly with him, etc, for most of the day.

Of course, then sometimes that backfires & I'm all reiled up & ready , and he had too tough of a day & is not in the mood.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

What is an OH? other husband?


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

tonyarz said:


> What is an OH? other husband?


Other Half.

LOL @ Other Husband.... I wish:lol:


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