# How do I get my swagger back



## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

Just filed for divorce and have lost a lot of self confidence over the last couple of years. I will not jump into women right away but eventually need to get back in the game and am worried I will struggle. I am 40 and people say I look 27. I am not very good talking with females but need to get back in the game down the road. I work out a lot trying to get some size on me. How in the world do you attract the females, I make good money, nice car but have difficulty approaching women and getting female attention.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Get a Harley for your swagger and a dog for limitless affection. Don't be so anxious to step into another snare.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

You are on the right track by working out. staying in shape is a good start. You might look for some hobby that men and women both do ?? There is always on line dating ... its tough but a good place to start if you don't work where you meet women. Just be careful and watch out for scammers and fruit cakes , take your time. 
Good luck


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are not attractive to women because you do not believe you are attractive to women. Its not more complicated than that.

Figure out who you really are and be confident in projecting that and some new friends and women will be drawn to that. You can't sustain being someone other than yourself anyway.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

hesitationmarks said:


> Just filed for divorce and have lost a lot of self confidence over the last couple of years. I will not jump into women right away but eventually need to get back in the game and am worried I will struggle. I am 40 and people say I look 27. I am not very good talking with females but need to get back in the game down the road. I work out a lot trying to get some size on me. How in the world do you attract the females, I make good money, nice car but have difficulty approaching women and getting female attention.


Hez, it's much easier than it looks, right now. And you're in the perfect position to start!

First of all, taking some time is the right thing to do, because you need to fill your plate up.

Re-connect with your family. Re-connect with old friends. Re-establish old hobbies. Put some effort into these endeavors. If you find that you still have some spare time, find some NEW hobbies, and make some NEW friends.

And get passionate about these things. Become knowledgeable. Become an expert on your chosen topics of interest. And enjoy yourself with them.

Why? Because when you really KNOW something and are passionate about it, you have some swagger. You speak with knowledge and confidence.

Chicks dig confidence.

And chicks that find your confidence about 'whatever' attractive are pre-qualifying themselves, because they are interested in your hobby, too.

Stay focused on working out. Women are visual creatures, just like men, and they appreciate a fit male specimen almost as much as guys appreciate swimsuit models.

Learn more about your car, as in the mechanics of it. Buy some nice clothes that compliment your appearance.

A Harley is good, if you like motorcycles. A dog is good if you like dogs. Either get a really big one or a really small one, and get it as a puppy. Then take it to parks and beaches. If it's a purebreed, find out all about the breed. If it's a mutt, make up the most dramatic story about how it came in to your life that you can get away with.

There are lots of online dating sites. Get some good current pictures made, for sending out when people want to meet you. Practice, practice, practice. Learn from your mistakes and get better.

Keep in mind that being physically fit and having play money puts you well ahead of many of the guys out there lookin' for love. So enter in to things knowing that you bring some really good things to the table, and carry yourself accordingly (with swagger).

It's an exciting time to be alive, young man. Now go eat a steak.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You honestly sound like a catch.

You should have little trouble attracting women in their twenties on up.

Do things for yourself. Explore your own interests and find yourself.

Doing things to attract women is fine but if that is your primary goal, then life will be shallow.

Pay more attention to yourself. Grow as a person and you will automatically attract.

I know what I'm talking about here. I have a colorful past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

Thanks fellas, you are already making me feel better about myself. I got this!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Keep working out. Build some muscle mass, and then fake it til you make it.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I was in a similar situation. Same thing, attractive, high income, custom made suites, expensive car, etc.. The difference is that I was never shy around girls which is why I was dating women since I was 12 years old. What I did was fly to Sydney Australia and strike up a conversation with a woman who tried to blow me off because she was meeting a fellow teacher for drinks. I told her that I will leave when he comes. He never showed up and she took me home with her where we stayed for most the of the next few weeks. I did yell out my exes' name during sex once but she said that it did not bother her and she made sure that I forgot her before I left. I am forever grateful for that woman who got me back into the game. 

Honestly, lots of guys hit the gym after divorces but what works the best is to have the gift of gab with women and the ability to make them want you no matter how you look. Good luck and it will get better.


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## bpdcfan (Jan 27, 2016)

I learned myself during a seperation that women won't just flock to you in a bar because you're single hahah. Learn to enjoy your solitude and then evaluate how/if/when you want to bring another woman into your life.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

In regards to working out - work out to get in shape. Do NOT become an Arnold Schwartznegger type with muscles on top of muscles - women really don't dig that. Just get fit and toned and be active. It does no good to look the part if you can't play the role.
As for the rest of it - there is a lot of great advice here. The main obstacle to your success is yourself. Focus on yourself and everything else will fall into place. Remember whether you think you can or think you can't you are right.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Dude let me give you the only advice I can

First go read my threads. I was as low as they come. Did not want to go on and had the same concerns you have.

I am now working out 4 days a week. I have found my sense of humor again. I have started dating and found my confidence.

Trust me when I say this! If I can do it ANYONE can. I mean anyone. I am not special.

SO here is what I have done

Get out of your comfort zone. Dating can be nerve racking and a little scary. Your in your 40's like me. At this point in my life who cares what other people think. Go for it!

Be your self. Don't try to put on a fake personality. Be who you are. 

Change the things that need to be fixed. You have faults and you know what they are. Make an effort to improve your self.

Put sex out of your mind. If it happens it happens. Do not make it a goal. If you put this off the table you can relax and have a good time. 

Enjoy the little things: Holding hands, kissing. Its great. I feel like im in high school again. 

Its the 21st century. Use online dating. There is NOTHING wrong with it and it works. Be careful who you chose to go out with.

Become comfortable living alone. You do not have to go home after work. There is no one waiting on you. Just do what you want. If you want to stop somewhere on the way home. Do it. Don't feel obligated to rush home.

Indulge in guilty pleasures. I saw a expensive leather jacket I wanted. I bought it for me. Its great and I don't care if no one approves. Treat your self now.

And the last one I have. Move to the center of the bed. Get off that one side you slept on. Im struggling with this one. Move to the center and hog the entire bed!


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

Thanks to all, I look around me at my competition and think damn I should be a catch, someone desirable to women but zero attention. But then again I am not really initiating anything. It's early for me. I hung onto hope about my wife coming around for two years and finally filed last week. Been through my own personal created hell over this internally when I should of just said F it from the beginning, if she do t want me her loss. I'm sure you guys went through similar emotions. Keep the advice coming. I'm feeling better everyday, but do at times think I'm socially inept and won't be able to get a girl. I do need to get over my approach anxiety of hot women and just do it. I will most certainly not try to be someone else, I think I was doing that for a while trying to win my stbw wife. That's the worst feeling in the world. I need to also make some new friends, some single guys, wingmen to go out with on weekends chasing women, just having fun. I feel like I'm letting the prime of my life, when I'm still relatively young making good money and free, slip away. Keep it coming.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

hesitationmarks said:


> Thanks to all, I look around me at my competition and think damn I should be a catch, someone desirable to women but zero attention. But then again I am not really initiating anything. It's early for me. I hung onto hope about my wife coming around for two years and finally filed last week. Been through my own personal created hell over this internally when I should of just said F it from the beginning, if she do t want me her loss. I'm sure you guys went through similar emotions. Keep the advice coming. I'm feeling better everyday, but do at times think I'm socially inept and won't be able to get a girl. I do need to get over my approach anxiety of hot women and just do it. I will most certainly not try to be someone else, I think I was doing that for a while trying to win my stbw wife. That's the worst feeling in the world. I need to also make some new friends, some single guys, wingmen to go out with on weekends chasing women, just having fun. I feel like I'm letting the prime of my life, when I'm still relatively young making good money and free, slip away. Keep it coming.


You probably don't even realize it, but you are probably giving off the vibe. I can't explain the vibe, but if you are lacking confidence, aren't sure of where you are going or how you are going to get there and just generally are not engaged in the world, you will give off the vibe.
The vibe will repel others like to polar ends of a magnet. Once your mind settle and start to feel good about yourself, your place in the world and what you have to offer, you will give off a positive vibe that will attract like minded people into your life. 
Focus on yourself and then sit back and enjoy the ride!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ynot said:


> You probably don't even realize it, but you are probably giving off the vibe. I can't explain the vibe, but if you are lacking confidence, aren't sure of where you are going or how you are going to get there and just generally are not engaged in the world, you will give off the vibe.
> The vibe will repel others like to polar ends of a magnet. Once your mind settle and start to feel good about yourself, your place in the world and what you have to offer, you will give off a positive vibe that will attract like minded people into your life.
> Focus on yourself and then sit back and enjoy the ride!


it's all about the vibe.

the vibe is 75% of attraction generally speaking. the other 25% are distributed among looks, $, grooming, et. not necessarily in keeping them, but attracting them in the first place.


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

I know for a fact about the vibe and know that I do have it. I took this one hard on the chin when I should of said awe hell no, I cared too much. I told my dad the other day I can't get rid of this look of despair on my face. Did you guys have this also, what helped you get rid of it and took it away?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

*Walter says WTF*


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

From this world view, those who have 'swagger' likely don't even realize it... which contributes to part of their appeal. Having and making friends is part of good life stuff. My advise is to let go of an end goal of 'chasing women, attracting females'. The cool thing about having fun and feeling free-spirited is abandoning restrictions and rigid expectations. Just breathe and relax. 


Personally I'd also forget perceived rankings of beauty / attractiveness. If you think you might dig someone, what's the harm with a simple hello, chat and at the very least, a laugh? We're all just people, muddling through this life thing. The most recent 'approach' I've personally heard was a single guy, in his 40's, upon learning I was married, said with a straight face that he was _way_ out of my league anyway. His delivery was immaculate and got a laugh. No harm done. Unless he was being serious, which is still amusing regardless.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

intheory said:


> One caveat.
> 
> You sound like you are in good shape and have a youthful-appearance for your age. Good for you! Those are definitely positives.
> 
> ...



You're too kind. It's been my experience that most people (60% as you say) are nowhere near a 5 or 6. In fact, I've found that most people are unattractive (meaning a 2 or a 3 at best). The majority of our population is overweight and out of shape and they weren't particularly attractive to start with.

I would say maybe 20% is in that 5 or 6 range (that's 1 in 5 people) and that may even be too high. I live in Florida too. I can only imagine how it would be in other places that aren't warm and coastal.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)




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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

lots of good stuff in this thread and i was in the exact same boat two years ago going through my divorce. i may have never had swagger though. 

in addition to some of the stuff here-- working out is a must-- i would recommend Mark Manson's book "Models-- Attracting Women Through Honesty"


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

When you walk, act like you're straddling a beach ball between your knees. Also jut out your waist as much as possible and exaggerate the natural swing of your arms.


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## lateralus (Feb 14, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Dude let me give you the only advice I can
> 
> First go read my threads. I was as low as they come. Did not want to go on and had the same concerns you have.
> 
> ...


I would like to echo a good portion of this post.

I get the impression that much of your problems stem from the fact that you care what others think of you. You wish to always project an image of goodness and sexuality. Usually, the desire to do so stems from a low self-esteem and/or self-image.

In that past, I typically struggled with women. Looking back, I can directly tie that to having a burning desire to want women to want me; I wanted them to want me, which pushed them away. It's much easier to relax and be yourself when you can detach desired or expected outcomes as a result of being yourself. Once I stopped caring how people viewed me and just became me, I noticed I started getting a lot more female attention when I wasn't even trying.

I also agree with putting sex out of your mind. When I spend time with women now (whether or not I have romantic intentions), I don't go into it thinking about sex. "What do I need to do to get her clothes off?" is a question I no longer ask myself. Taking that pressure off allows me to relax and be comfortable in their presence, because I'm not trying to impress them anymore. This allows our interactions to be natural and more organic. And women do have some good intuition; they can sense fairly easily when a man is just looking for sex. I'm going to give you an example; I'm one of the only fathers who regularly picks up and drops off a child at my daughter's day care (due to 50/50 time). The vast majority of parents I encounter there are moms. I do nothing to impress them, don't seek their attention, and in fact I don't even speak to them very much. Most of my attention is devoted to my daughter, the family friend who runs the day care, and the other children. A little over a week ago, I was there picking up my daughter when one of the married mothers made a blatant pass at me. It caught me so off guard that I literally was unable to respond. I had done *nothing* to lead her on or give her any impression I was interested in her. In fact, I didn't even know her name. I was just doing my thing. And I think that was the key ingredient.

I also agree with learning how to be comfortable living alone. I've been a bachelor for the last four years after my xWW and I divorced. I *love* coming home to an empty house. It's entirely my domain; I control everything that happens there, and do what I want, when I want. I don't see it as lonesome. I see it as liberating.

I do disagree with online dating, however. I've had very bad luck with it and have had far more success in real life. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it to you, though.

In a nutshell, swagger isn't something you can just put on, like a coat or a sweater. Swagger is a natural bi-product of confidence. Confidence comes from valuing yourself and your worth. You may have to invest some time and work into yourself in order to find your value and worth, but with some work and effort, you can do so.


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## lateralus (Feb 14, 2016)

--double post-- sorry about that, not sure how that happened.


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## Tippy (Dec 21, 2015)

hesitationmarks said:


> I am not very good talking with females but need to get back in the game down the road. I work out a lot trying to get some size on me. How in the world do you attract the females, I make good money, nice car but have difficulty approaching women and getting female attention.


Females come in other species besides just human. You need to first learn the distinction.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

hesitationmarks said:


> Just filed for divorce and have lost a lot of self confidence over the last couple of years. I will not jump into women right away but eventually need to get back in the game and am worried I will struggle. I am 40 and people say I look 27. I am not very good talking with females but need to get back in the game down the road. I work out a lot trying to get some size on me. How in the world do you attract the females, I make good money, nice car but have difficulty approaching women and getting female attention.


There has been a lot of good advice. I have been in a similar position since my divorce last year. 

You say you look 27. People might have told you that. People say it to me too, to the point where I did not get served as they did not believe my ID was genuine. I look good for 39, but I do not look 27. I take it that you have a fairly flat belly and full head of non-gray hair. I also assume that you are after a younger woman, not least because you want a little lightness in your life and not a heavy committed relationship? It can certainly be done. 

Firstly, you may have lost a great deal of your positivity to people. You cut yourself off emotionally and it can take years to get back to your old self. If the thought of years is a terrible thought to you, that is the negative, needy mind that you will lose, so do not worry about it. The initial solution is to start paying women compliments. Not just the pretty ones, but challenge yourself to see something genuinely great in a woman and compliment her. There will be some mistakes, but that is part of it. Accepting mistakes is part of swagger.

Part 2, you may have lost fun from your life. So find it. This will take time, but allow for that. I am enjoying boxing. Do you know how many women I meet through boxing? None, it does not matter, it makes me feel good. I also did yoga, as my body is a mess from rugby and I learnt to socialise. The pretty young women did not want to talk to me, so I talked to the ones who were open, and joined the social group. Once you are accepted, other women will want to talk to you. Be determined to enjoy your life, women will follow as the best part of you will show.

Part 3, push beyond comfort. Would you feel comfortable going to a department store and having a personal shopper dress you in a way you would never choose for yourself and going to a posh hairdresser where you need an appointment and telling them to do whatever and really mean it? If you would feel comfortable, do not bother. I you would not feel comfortable, then do it - no excuses. You lose your swagger and you disappear into the comfort-zone snail shell of misery. 

There is a great deal of metrosexual stuff here, that is not me, which is why it was good for me. However, I also relied heavily on my friends and my rugby mates were the best of all.

As you mention looking young, I assumed you want to meet younger women. I met a man who was into being a Pick-Up Artist (Google it, but steel the stomach). He was twenty-two, 5'4" and wore cheap clothes. As soon as he teamed up with an older, wealthy, well spoken Englishman, he had a great time and I lent him credibility. In return, I met young, fun women (young women are not vacuous, no more than older women are inherently wise) which I have not done when I am with my own age. 

That said, I went to a club following an Oakland Raiders game, in a very upper middle class town. My older, rather chubby black friend and I stood out. I told him we were going to the middle of the dance floor to dance like idiots and have fun. He went for it and that steeled me. An hour or so later, we were surrounded by young women who ushered away any young man who tried to join us. We were harmless, just having fun. In the middle of this, I started boogieing off one side, leaned over to my mate and said "my hip has gone". He grinned, dancing away and whispered to me "I am in so much pain". But we have great fun and I got more from fun that I would have done from a meaningless tryst.

And there are many great older women too. Only a minority of younger women like older men and on two occasions I met a girl who I really sparked with, when we found out each others age, they were far too young for me and for their part one looked shocked and the other repulsed. On the other hand I have also spent the night with a wonderful lady only to find that not only was I old enough to be her Dad, but I was actually a few weeks older than her Dad. She was fine with that, I was not. My point is, do not make a thing of your age, but do not hide it either (I doubt the advice is needed, but you have it anyway).

The challenge with older women is that we all have a self image of looking about five years in the past. And the average man is judged by women as below average (a 5 becomes a 3 and a bit). So, if you are going out with a 40 year-old women and you are both 6/10- she might judge you to be 4.5 and herself to be the 7 she was a few years ago. You have much more chance of making a deep bond of friendship though and right now you need friends. 

You are giving off a vibe. It will disappear in time. As you acknowledge, you have lost your swagger. Be patient.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

lateralus said:


> I would like to echo a good portion of this post.
> 
> I get the impression that much of your problems stem from the fact that you care what others think of you. You wish to always project an image of goodness and sexuality. Usually, the desire to do so stems from a low self-esteem and/or self-image.
> 
> ...


Wonderful advice.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

Simply dress well, be presentable (fitness comes into this as well), carry yourself well, and you'll have eyes on you in no time. Some eyes welcome, other eyes, will make you uncomfortable.

You will still need to put yourself out there, or nothing will happen


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Middle of Everything said:


>


lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFy2kavSV-A

3:32 - "It's so powerful it sells itself in other people's commercials!"


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Say F#@* it and do whatever you want when you want. If you see someone you think is cute, pretty or just attractive to you boldly walk up and introduce yourself.

say I saw you from afar and thought I'd come over and say hello. I hope I'm not to bold in asking if you would like to join me for a cup of Joe or a drink sometime.

if she is unresponsive or cold say guess not was worth a try hope you have a great day.

then back to doing what you want when you want. until the next girl, lady, woman catches your eye. 

got to have the life is short got to take some chances attitude and some thick skin and you will be fine.


word of caution........if you do find a woman don't get caught up in the moment too much. keep an open eye for unsavory women. if you have deal breaker that show their head kick them to the cub and on to the next.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry to bash in the clubhouse guys. 

Also, don't forget that women want men who are interested in them. Summon up natural curiosity and start asking questions. Practice in low pressure situations where the intent is obviously not to pick up a woman. For instance you might see a single mother at a grocery store and her kids are calm and she looks put together. If you see the picture and wonder "how does she do it all?" try asking. Smile and say wow you are dressed for the office and your kids are behaving so well - how do you do it all? She might only reply one phrase "organizational skills". The point is to practice until voicing your natural curiosity becomes second nature. See a woman at the park with a dog that heels? "What a good looking dog - how do you get him to heel?" A woman walking in 4" heels? "Women amaze me - how can you walk in those fabulous shoes? I'd be in a leg cast!" 

1) people like to be admired and your comments start with admiration
2) people like to talk about themselves and you ask a question
3) women like men who are interested in THEM - as a PERSON, not a vagina.

That's all you need. When you start talking to lots of women, eventually some of them will smile and ask YOU a question back. Then a natural banter will start and you can progress to asking to grab a drink/coffee/dinner/show/meet for hike, etc.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Be confident in who you are, regardless.
Confidence is the most attractive quality you can have.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Write her a poem.

Who does that? But is puts you out there.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Back on the first page someone put out the vibe. You gotta put out the vibe that you’re available and interested in meeting people. Not desperate, but open and available. 

Ways to do this:

Make eye contact. Smile. Open doors. Make a small comment if you’re standing by someone in the produce section at the grocery store. Don’t be creepy about it, but it could be as simple as “excuse me, do you know how to pick an avocado?” or “I’ve read apples are a good midafternoon snack, do you know which one is sweet/tart/crispy/etc”. At this point, don’t be going all googly eyed at her, just normal conversation, you’ll see how she picks up on it. If you’re at a bar, buy a girl a drink, but have the bartender send it to her. The bartender can go to her and say “that guy in the green wants to buy you a drink” when she looks, small wave and then look away, uninterested. If she takes the drink and says thank you but makes no further eye contact, chalk up the $5 as a loss. If she continues making eye contact and smiles, smile back but remain somewhat uninterested. If she comes up to you, you’re golden. If she doesn’t, you leave first, slip your name and phone number on a napkin on your way out, with a little note that says “meet me for a drink here next week, 8PM?” Puts it totally in her hands, unassuming but available.


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