# IT happend to me



## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

I hurt bad now. 20+ years with kids. DDay was last night for me. My wife admitted to having a PR with the OM. 3 nights ago she told me it was only a ER and sweared their was nothing else. I had to go away for business. I did a lot of reading on this site and I persisted when I got home last night. I must admit, I did not expect that she would trickle out the PR that happened on two occasions. This was pulled out only with very pointed questions. She gave me dates, specifics, how it was arranged etc...
She says she is willing to do whatever it takes. I have seen some of the steps...no contact letter, full transparancy, etc. The OM is not someone that is a friend or coworker, but they are within driving distance. She says they are done and she is on board with whatever the steps are to stay in this marraige. 

She PR happened 3 months ago, one week apart. She swears no other PR has happened since with him or anyone else.

She did also admit to meeting him for drinks 2 weeks ago to "shut it down". Claims that there was no additional PC at all. (this one doesnt feel right but she insisted nothing else happened why would she hold back as she had aleady given me EXPLICIT details)

I have read, kick her out....that is tough with kids. I am not leaving my home, my kids.

So...exposure has happened. Obvioulsy I am going through all the emotions that so many of US have experienced. She has given me passwords, phone, etc. this morning.

I appreciate all the help from anyone that's ever posted on this site. It has helped me get through this to this point.

At this moment in time, I want to see if I can handle moving forward in small steps. She says she is committed to doing so.

I would like the experienced to comment on the road to breathing again.

I will not ask her to leave. I will not leave.
I will ask her to do the "no contact" letter and formally break off all contact.
She has agreed to full transparancy and appears to have started down that path.
Parents? Close Friends? Is it necessary for her to come clean to anyone but me? I have read this step in a lot of advice but I am not sure its anyone elses business or burden. Why upset older parents unncessarily? 
Kids? I will not burden my kids with this.
Counseling. I am game, she says she is.

Any advice is very welcome. 

Since she told me about the ER 3 days ago and my emotional path has been. Shock, sadness, anger, angrier, then complete shock last night, followed by a calm which is allowing me to type this. 

JeT


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Jet said:


> I hurt bad now. 20+ years with kids. DDay was last night for me. My wife admitted to having a PR with the OM. 3 nights ago she told me it was only a ER and sweared their was nothing else. I had to go away for business. I did a lot of reading on this site and I persisted when I got home last night. I must admit, I did not expect that she would trickle out the PR that happened on two occasions. This was pulled out only with very pointed questions. She gave me dates, specifics, how it was arranged etc...
> She says she is willing to do whatever it takes. I have seen some of the steps...no contact letter, full transparancy, etc. The OM is not someone that is a friend or coworker, but they are within driving distance. She says they are done and she is on board with whatever the steps are to stay in this marraige.
> 
> She PR happened 3 months ago, one week apart. She swears no other PR has happened since with him or anyone else.
> ...


She came clean, but she trickle truthed so don't take her word for everything that occurred. 

Trust but verify. Schedule a polygraph. Both of you are willing to go into counseling. You seem like your leaning towards reconciliation so getting the whole truth out now is better than the path to R being riddled with new facts and details. 

Also if she passes you can take some comfort that she completely came clean the 2nd time rather than wondering if shes holding anything back(Like when she just admitted to a emotional affair, EA)

Also if you can and if there is one, contact the OM's wife or girlfriend. She has a right to know and consequences on that guys end may prevent him from fishing for contact with your wife at a later date.

Don't have sex with her. She needs to get checked out. Even if she used protection if he had an STD he could've given it to her. 

Its necessary to come clean and expose. That has to be a consequence of what shes done. Exposing the affair also limits what can be swept under the rug, and not just for her sake. Many Betrayed spouses will rugsweep without even knowing it so they can spare themselves the pain. 

So definitely expose, its also a good way to gauge her commitment to R. Some spouses are 100% against exposure and actually get angry at the betrayed spouse for suggesting it, which tells you much about them. 

Finally I stress consequences. A wayward may mean well, but if they suffer nothing for betraying their husband and marriage than they'll subconsciously be enabled by their spouse.

A wife may love her husband, but if she knows he'll never do anything about her having an affair... 

Its not a good thought for someone whose been confirmed to have gone outside of the marriage to have at the back of their minds, period.

Also being assertive through this process will help you keep control of your emotions, and make proper boundaries to affair-proof the relationship. Like right now you're saying you're going to ask her to do a no contact letter. 

Don't ask her, *demand* that of her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Who is this guy and is he married/GF? if so expose the A to OMW/GF.

Has she mad an appointment for IC and MC? IF not tell her to. And the IC is to learn the tools to affair proof her marriage.

How did you find out? This source may be comprimised, but you need to confirm NC at least for a while. You know this kind of thing is an addiction to her. So continue to investigate her commitment to the M


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go work out it helps.
As far as eating, I went to my favorite resturant and got my favorite dish to go and took small bite thru out the day.

I also went to the book store and got " After the Affair" by Janis A Springs.....there others out there but the point is start to educate your self on this crap it will give you some understanding.


Becareful, keep an eye out for a false R.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Single guy. No GF or SO as far as I can tell.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Has your W excepted the consequence of exposing this the her folks?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet,

I hope not... BUT... there always seems to be more. It took weeks for my wife to finally admit to worst. It didn't make sense to me either to hold back when, it was obvious that I knew way more. 

When she finally just laid it out there, I asked why couldn't you just tell me this weeks ago... you were already caught? It wasn't going to magically vanish!

It was just too painful for her to admit and face who she had become.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Jet said:


> I hurt bad now. 20+ years with kids. DDay was last night for me. My wife admitted to having a PR with the OM. 3 nights ago she told me it was only a ER and sweared their was nothing else. I had to go away for business. I did a lot of reading on this site and I persisted when I got home last night. I must admit, I did not expect that she would trickle out the PR that happened on two occasions. This was pulled out only with very pointed questions. She gave me dates, specifics, how it was arranged etc...
> She says she is willing to do whatever it takes. I have seen some of the steps...no contact letter, full transparancy, etc. The OM is not someone that is a friend or coworker, but they are within driving distance. She says they are done and she is on board with whatever the steps are to stay in this marraige.
> 
> She PR happened 3 months ago, one week apart. *She swears *no other PR has happened since with him or anyone else.
> ...


You are doing well so far, but you are in a little bit of a fog about her coming clean and giving you the whole truth. Don't try to use logic as to why she confessed some things but still would hold back others. In her foggy head, it all makes perfect sense. To you, you WANT to believe her. To us out here in cyberspace, the chances that you are being trickle-truthed are about 100%. Look at the threads on this forum.

Cheaters are liars. The truth usually makes sense. Lies do not. Cheaters are good at lying to hide the affair, making excuses of where they're going and who they're seeing, but they are horrible at coming up with explanations that make sense after you catch them. If you are getting a story that doesn't make sense, there's a very high probability that the story is a lie.

The full truth may not matter to you. I think getting the full truth is a sign of remorse, but to some the most important thing is that the affair has ended and they don't care if they ever get the full truth. She said she will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, so if you want the full truth, you can ask her to take a polygraph test about the number of times, when it started, when it ended, and when was the last contact. These are the things most cheaters lie about.

It is very common for cheaters to re-initiate contact after the initial storm has passed and things start to quiet down. Your healing and reconciling depend on you having a certain level of trust that contact has ended. Buy a voice-activated recorder and put it under the seat of her car with heavy-duty velcro. Put GPS on her car. Don't tell her you are doing this. Monitor for at least a couple of weeks to be sure contact has ended or does not re-initiate. No contact includes not looking the other man up on facebook and not doing anything to think of him.

As long as she is complying with no contact, exposure to your families and friends is not necessary. Your wife could be lying about other man not having a girlfriend/wife. Other man could have lied to your wife about it. Investigate a little and see if you find different. If he does have a girlfriend/wife, expose to her. It's your call on whether to expose to his family/friends. Definitely do so if contact resumes, as well as to your and her family/friends.

Have her handwrite the no contact letter. She should state how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for risking her family and marriage, which is the most important thing in the world to her, and that if he ever tries to contact her again in any way, shape, or form, she will file harassment charges against him. Stick to that content, nothing more, nothing less, no terms of endearment, no "dear," no "sorry it turned out this way," etc. She gives it to you to edit and send.

Have her handwrite a letter of apology to you.

You said that she has already turned over access to all communication devices and accounts. Make sure you have everything. Put a keylogger on the computer and phone; don't tell her about it. Make sure she blocks the other man on facebook and deletes him from her phone, blocks him from email, etc.

Consider asking her to hand over all of the lingerie and clothes she wore to meet the other man, including shoes. Throw them out and don't replace them. Have her get a new phone. Get rid of any reminders.

Find out the why and get her to fix it. Work on improving yourself and your marriage. Make sure she works on improving herself and your marriage.

Good luck.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you....with tears in my eyes.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Could someon also post a good No Contact letter so I can have her handwrite it....or at least the link. I am having trouble finding them at the momment.

THanks,


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Affair Partner:

I am horribly ashamed of my behavior. I feel terrible for risking my family and marriage, which is the most important thing in the world to me. Do not ever try to contact me again in any way, shape, or form. If you ever try to contact me again, I will file harassment charges against you.

Signed,

Cheater

------

Dear [put name here],

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.


Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,


[name here] 

---

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Thank you Will.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

You asked:



Jet said:


> why would she hold back as she had aleady given me EXPLICIT details)


You've read the threads around here, you know the terms, so "trickle truth" probably is now part of your vocabulary.



Jet said:


> 3 nights ago she told me it was only a ER and sweared their was nothing else.


First bit of trickle truth. You didn't go into how you found out about the affair in the first place but I doubt she just came right out and told you because she felt remorseful. She probably admitted to only what she thought you knew.



Jet said:


> I did not expect that she would trickle out the PR that happened on two occasions.


She had a reason for giving you that much. As I suggested probably because she thought you knew and she had to give it up or maintain an obvious lie.



Jet said:


> She PR happened 3 months ago, one week apart. She swears no other PR has happened since with him or anyone else.


She also swore it wasn't physical, and that was a lie. She also maintained a lie about the entire affair itself, which consisted of many smaller lies.. about where she was, who she was with and what she was doing with them. 



Jet said:


> She did also admit to meeting him for drinks 2 weeks ago to "shut it down".


Now that makes a lot of sense doesn't it. If it's over, it's over. A text or phone call telling him that she came to her senses and he's an ass would be more than sufficient. A round or two of drinks isn't necessary.



Jet said:


> why would she hold back as she had aleady given me EXPLICIT details)


Now that we've determined she's a liar and you can't believe anyting she tells you and she probably only tells you what she thinks you need to be told because you already know it, let's get into why she might not tell you everything.

An analogy may suffice. 

When you were a kid, did you ever steal, say, a half dozen cookies out of the jar, and mom caught you with your hand in the jar and shouted "How many cookies did you just eat"?

If this ever happened to you, I just know you answered with "um, just one or two".

You get in less trouble that way.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Jet said:


> Thank you Will.


You're welcome.

When you look for a marriage counselor, be careful to get one experienced in infidelity, othewise they try to make it all about your bad behaviors being the reason she cheated and it's all about fixing you and not about fixing her. There seem to be a lot of bad marriage counselors out there when it comes to infidelity issues, some who justify infidelity if the cheater was somehow unhappy. You want one who thinks cheating is unacceptable no matter what happens in the marriage, that divorce should come before cheating.

Try to find some posts by a poster named iheartlife who has some good advice on marriage counseling and books that will help.

Some I've seen recommended are Married Man Sex Life; No More Mr. Nice Guy; Not Just Friends; 5 Love Languages. Look at the newbie link in one of my prior posts.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Not exposing is a terrible idea. Especially if you are planning to reconcile. She needs to feel the consequences of what she did. If she does not, it will be that much easier for her to do it again.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet,

The lies the TT can get absurd to the point of desperation.

When caught having an affair, my wife did admit to sleeping with OM one time. However she also admitted to meeting with him in private maybe a dozen times over a year+ period. He was her boss, she saw him everyday, but sex only once at his house. This lie continued for a week or so until one morning she picked up a Bible and held out her hand and swore that once was the Holy Truth. 

I just about cracked up, tried to keep a serious look at her and said nothing. About an hour later, she slid into the room and looked at me, crying, broken. Over the next few hours, she confessed in detail to 6+ years of serial cheating with 3 OM. 

Is there more, perhaps, I have secured years of emails, phone records, text messages, FB chats and messages and lastly her confession. I had enough, but SHE really needed to face the truth to internalize just what she had become. 

Get the point, the Truth being outed is not just for the Betrayed, but necessary for the Wayward also.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet,

The lies the TT can get absurd to the point of desperation.

When caught having an affair, my wife did admit to sleeping with OM one time. However she also admitted to meeting with him in private maybe a dozen times over a year+ period. He was her boss, she saw him everyday, but sex only once at his house. This lie continued for a week or so until one morning she picked up a Bible and held out her hand and swore that once was the Holy Truth. 

I just about cracked up, tried to keep a serious look at her and said nothing. About an hour later, she slid into the room and looked at me, crying, broken. Over the next few hours, she confessed in detail to 6+ years of serial cheating with 3 OM. 

Is there more, perhaps, I have secured years of emails, phone records, text messages, FB chats and messages and lastly her confession. I had enough, but SHE really needed to face the truth to internalize just what she had become. 

Get the point, the Truth being outed is not just for the Betrayed, but necessary for the Wayward also.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

You have been given great advice. So its not much i can ad beside this.This bothers me big time..

*She did also admit to meeting him for drinks 2 weeks ago to "shut it down".*

This strongly suggest ,or in my opinion that this has been going on for a long time.. PA twice she says! And the need for some ****tails to break it of?? Oh please.
Press on this and i really mean press her on this.
Strange it is.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

I just exposed to our best friends, a couple and the first time I have spoken to anyone aside from the cheater. Its a start. Its actually the first time I balled like a baby since it started trickling out. Baby steps....


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

More good information thank you....yes, that already started. I refuse to let her put this on me though. If that's what she wants to do its over...and she now knows that.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

I literally burned a dress she says he liked. She told me the story, I asked for it, she handed to me and I burned it. No objections at all from her.




Will_Kane said:


> You are doing well so far, but you are in a little bit of a fog about her coming clean and giving you the whole truth. Don't try to use logic as to why she confessed some things but still would hold back others. In her foggy head, it all makes perfect sense. To you, you WANT to believe her. To us out here in cyberspace, the chances that you are being trickle-truthed are about 100%. Look at the threads on this forum.
> 
> Cheaters are liars. The truth usually makes sense. Lies do not. Cheaters are good at lying to hide the affair, making excuses of where they're going and who they're seeing, but they are horrible at coming up with explanations that make sense after you catch them. If you are getting a story that doesn't make sense, there's a very high probability that the story is a lie.
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ow do you know the OM is single?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you give us more details of your marriage.

How was your marriage before this?

How did she behave during the affair?

How did the affair start? Who is the OM? Who paid for the affair?

Why did she confess? Or did she get caught?

Do you think the OM did not work out(he was the exit plan) and she fell back on plan B(you).

What are her reasons for the affair?

Was D ever an option for you? She confessed, you took her back immediately without repercussion. Why should she not get away with it again?


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Can you give us more details of your marriage.
> 
> How was your marriage before this?
> 
> ...


D is an option if she does not follow the game plan. I have begun to expose.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

It's unreal how waywards try to justify things. She met up with him two weeks ago to shut things down over drinks? I mean that seems like the logical thing to do in their minds?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

They wouldn't have an affair if they are rational in the first place.


So OP, she had a short fling with her gym trainer. I think there is more to it. The explicit details mean nothing.Maybe the truth is even more horrific. I suggest you check her old phone records, her mails, her phone(see if you can retrieve deleted messages). Does she work? See if you get her work phone records too. Don't tell her that you are doing this. Also keep a keylogger installed on the home computer for some time to come Have you confronted the OM and made sure that it was him ? One posters WS confessed to her H that she had an affair with her co-worker when it was actually a different guy she had an affair with. i have a feeling that there is more to this story.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

She doesnt work...she is a stay at home mom. As simple as it sounds, it is a 45+ old woman banging the 30 year old trainer. She met him in in class, did personal training, they started sexting, they did it, she now says its done....and here we are.

Its all the stuff in between and the details that really really hurts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What is she doing to affair proof her marriage?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

I find it troubling that in her mind she thought she owed it to the guy to go out and have drinks in order to shut things down.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Oh yeah me too. I think she really thought they could stay "friends" after there deal. She knows that cannot happen if she wants to stay with me, but I do think she thought she could manage it prior to me finding out.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Jet said:


> Oh yeah me too. I think she really thought they could stay "friends" after there deal. She knows that cannot happen if she wants to stay with me, but I do think she thought she could manage it prior to me finding out.


It's not managing a friendship. It's a cheater trying to keep the flame lit until the trouble blows over.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Jet said:


> Oh yeah me too. I think she really thought they could stay "friends" after there deal. She knows that cannot happen if she wants to stay with me, but I do think she thought she could manage it prior to me finding out.


She dident think.. She just misread you.. Dig a little bit deeper bout this.Suppose shot down drinks,she felt she owed him.

She is a stay at home mom right? In fact you have no way of knowing if the are/is going to continue to se.eachoter


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Please report the OM to the gym or his place of work since he used his employment as a point of contact with women.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> I find it troubling that in her mind she thought she owed it to the guy to go out and have drinks in order to shut things down.


Yeah. This is what stroke me the most. 
As if shutting things down needed necessarily to happen by having a few drinks. 
I'm afraid it was a good-bye sex, otherwise if she really wanted to shut things down she would do it over the phone, within a minute.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

What forced her hand to finally reveal her inappropriate behavior? Sorry if you already mentioned on this thread and I missed it, had you found some evidence and investigated? Sure she was probably guilty but most cheaters think they are protecting you by hiding the truth, so I have to wonder if her AP was actually in a relationship and his spouse found out and threatened to expose this? In which case, you get enough truth to know that something innappropriate happened, even enough to know there was a full out physical and emotional affair, and enough to convince everyone who would be hurt that the damage is as minimal as possibe. But what else is your W hiding? If you think she is being truthful, what caused her to suddenly feel compulsion to reveal herself?

If anything, what you should learn most right now is that you CAN NOT trust anything she say, she has destroyed all that trust and it takes a long time to get the first few blocks of restoring it in place.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How did they meeting? At a class? Was her trainer there?

Expose to the employer who runs the class and if it's a gym expose to the owner of the gym - frankly if you were to post on Yelp and other review sites that a gym or class place had guys working there that hit on and bedded the women going there - it would seriously hurt the business.

Put a VAR in her car under the seat and with velco - monitor it for her calling him.

Explain to her that a single contact of any kind - and the marriage is over - no other chances.

Take everything she wore for him - EVERYTHING and trash it - lingerie, shoes, dresses, jewelry - this is a symbolic purging of him.

Have her go for an STD test and HIV now and in 6 months again for HIV.

Really find the OM and find out about him - do not trust anything your wife tells you about him. He may be lying to her, she may be lying to you. Find him and if her has a wife/gf expose to her directly - do not warn your wife or him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and where ever she met him - that place is now gone from her life , as are ANY friends who knew about the affair.

btw - how did you discover it?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Jet I would continue to monitor your wife.

One thought since she is 45 and OM is a trainer and is 30 years old -- he got what he wanted -- another notch on his belt and was ready to dump her and move on to his next conquist.

The only thing is you can't read your wife's mind -- and don't know if she was ready to quit the affair with OM as her brain is in a fog with the new OM.

Saying good bye over drinks usually means -- let's have sex one more time !!

Just something to think about !!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Jet said:


> She PR happened 3 months ago, one week apart. She swears no other PR has happened since with him.


No way she just had sex with him only twice a week apart three months ago, then waited 2 1/2 months to have drinks to "shut it down" two weeks ago.

You found out because you noticed she was spending too much time at the gym up until a few days ago. So even after she supposedly "shut it down" two weeks ago, she still was spending a lot of time at the gym, enough to make you very suspicious? Something you said must have made her think you knew something, then she started to confess, only giving you what she thought you already might know. She may have been out with other man and been seen by others who knew you and your wife; the times she was seen (two times a week apart three months ago and then again two weeks ago) are the times she confessed to; she didn't know if they had said something to you and she felt she had to confess. Possibly.

Warlock is right, you are only scratching the surface here, this thing goes much deeper. If I had to guess, this has been going on six months and didn't end with the drinks two weeks ago.

Your wife is dependent on you financially and other man probably has other women he has sex with from the gym, so he is not a viable option for your wife to leave you. Your marriage was solid from your perspective, but what does your wife say? She wasn't getting enough attention from you? She was flattered by the attention?

Your wife must quit this gym. No more gyms for your wife, unless it is an all-female gym. Let her work out at home.

You should tell the owner of the gym you're considering suing him and the gym for alienation of affection from your wife, tell him you find it hard to believe that he didn't know one of his trainers was screwing married women and that if he didn't know about it, he should have. I don't care if such a lawsuit has a leg to stand on, the mere mention of it should be enough for the owner to come down hard on the trainer. The owner wants to run a gym, not a sex service for the trainers. Do this in person in the gym if possible, preferably when the trainer is working. Be calm and confident when you do it, don't raise your voice. Follow it up with a brief letter stating the same.

If I were in your shoes, I would go for the polygraph. I also would VAR the car and keylog the computer and phone to see if contact is ended.

It's good that she is going along with what you need so far. As long as she continues no contact and does what you need to heal, continue to work on your marriage. You work on yourself and she should work on herself. Tell her to get some of those books, both of you should read them.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Oh, and where ever she met him - that place is now gone from her life , *as are ANY friends who knew about the affair*.
> 
> btw - how did you discover it?


Important to ditch any friends who knew about the affair. If they knew and didn't tell you, they are not friends of yours and not friends of your marriage. No contact with them.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> *No way she just had sex with him only twice a week apart three months ago, then waited 2 1/2 months to have drinks to "shut it down" two weeks ago*.
> 
> You found out because you noticed she was spending too much time at the gym up until a few days ago. So even after she supposedly "shut it down" two weeks ago, she still was spending a lot of time at the gym, enough to make you very suspicious? Something you said must have made her think you knew something, then she started to confess, only giving you what she thought you already might know. She may have been out with other man and been seen by others who knew you and your wife; the times she was seen (two times a week apart three months ago and then again two weeks ago) are the times she confessed to; she didn't know if they had said something to you and she felt she had to confess. Possibly.
> 
> ...


Pay attention here!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Jet,

You are doing good so far but you need to pay attention.

Did your wife come to you and admit the A or did you catch her?

Did you have any suspicions about her activity?

It is good you are exposing but you need to expose the OM at work where he was her personal trainer.

That kind of Predator I mean personal trainer should be hung out to dry at his place of employment.

Do it now and do not tell your wife you are doing this.

HM64


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Please report the OM to the gym or his place of work since he used his employment as a point of contact with women.


Yes...after having read quite a few threads with the personal trainer / gigolo, I say SHUT THEM DOWN. I mean really--what's the difference between this and a massage parlor--some sweat?

Someone has probably suggested this already, but I hope you get properly tested for all STDs.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Forgive me if I seem rude, but are you trying to forgive her because you're still in love with her and want to remain with her or is it for the kids to not have a broken home ?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You know that accountability, for her, means you do not let her back into her cushy lifestyle she had prior to her cheating

Throw her out of the marital bedroom, put her in a small room in the house, throw her clothes, and cosmetics, in with her, and tell her for right now, that is where she lives------show her the reality of a 45 yr old woman being on her own, if you were to D. her

As a SAHM she probably has very few coping skills if any, so you D., her, and making her a single, D. mother, with the tag of cheater, isn't something that will go well for her

She obviously has way to much time on her hands, time for her to start finding proper things to do, other than spreading her legs for other men

You have read here, follow what you are being told, and stay firm and harsh with her---no lovey--dovey, no mr nice guy----and above all find out WHY, and make her fix that WHY, before you even think of any R.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jet said:


> She doesnt work...she is a stay at home mom. As simple as it sounds, it is a 45+ old woman banging the 30 year old trainer. She met him in in class, did personal training, they started sexting, they did it, she now says its done....and here we are.
> 
> Its all the stuff in between and the details that really really hurts.



It would be very easy if that is all to it. Just keep your eyes open and stay wary for sometime. Most affairs resume after a short while due to the addictive nature of it. How do you plan to keep tabs on her?

Also, do you plan to talk to the OM(tell her you will and verify what she said, see her react) and inform the management?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You really wanna impress upon her with a bit of reality----if she gives you any crap what so ever, about anything-----tell her since she prefers her lover to you, and she wants to fight you as to as to a future for this mge., and since you are giving her a gift, she doesn't seem to willingly want, she can spend the rest of her years with her lover, pack your wife, and her clothes up, and drop her and her clothes at the feet of her trainer, there at the gym, that should impress upon her, that you just don't go and blow up a good mge., for no good reason, and get away with no accountability--------I imagine she would be scrambling w/in 10 seconds to get home to you, and do ANYTHING you wish to make a R. work----------you need to treat her, at this point in time for what she really is, and you can apply any word you want to her, we all know what the actual/proper word should be.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

jnj express said:


> You really wanna impress upon her with a bit of reality---she can spend the rest of her years with her lover, pack your wife, and her clothes up, and drop her and her clothes at the feet of her trainer, there at the gym,


When I read this I thought... Hmmm a bit dramatic... but wait a minute...

I said the same thing to wife when I caught her having an PA with an old BF from college. I remember telling her... "I hope you really love him, he's all yours now. Pack some cloths, I will personally drive you the 100 miles to his house."


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Deleted


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

I kicked her out today.

Found out the 2 times were actually 4 times. 
Found out there was another affair 2 years ago.

Devestated and in shock.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

How did you finds out?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jet said:


> I kicked her out today.
> 
> Found out the 2 times were actually 4 times.
> Found out there was another affair 2 years ago.
> ...


So sorry this happened. We'll be here for you.

What are your next steps?


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

She finally just confessed everything.

I have no idea whats next on that front. 

I have to get focused for my kids and make sure I get everyone where they need to be this week and make sure they understand that they are loved.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Sorry to hear this. But i cant say im supprised..
Take your time,and dont make any harsh decision on what to do..

I have feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg on what you have heard. Remember that. In case of you wanting to reconcile..

Again im so sorry for you


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Jet said:


> I kicked her out today.
> 
> Found out the 2 times were actually 4 times.
> Found out there was another affair 2 years ago.
> ...


Jet
I know how devastating this feels. You did well getting her out of the house.

As much as this hurts you need to keep your wits about you and come up with a plan.

-I would ask her for a written timeline of her actions.
-You should make no long term decisions Neil your emotions calm down.
-You should get all the facts from her in writing.
-Let your families know why she is out of the house.
-Exposé the trainer at work. Let him and his boss know you are going to sue them for alienation of affections just to scare hem into action.
-Go see an attorney so you know your rights.

When you are ready to talk to your wife about the marriage just tell her to get counselling before any serious discussions.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> I find it troubling that in her mind she thought she owed it to the guy to go out and have drinks in order to shut things down.


Oh this is insane... I was the WH... I sent the NC letter... The response letter I got back before I was able to block her... Full of F bombs and that I owed it to her to to say it to her face. She even had her adult son call me and tell me I needed to do the honorable thing and tell her in person... My friends "dope slapped" me out of the fog. I almost fell for it... 

Sorry for what you are going through.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jet, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

If there is anything good in this it is that you know the truth of your situation. You are finding out about her true self. Imagine if you didn't know, or if you didn't find out until ten years later!

This is a superb support group here, so do your best to keep your cool and consider the good advice you will be given.

Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Get good nutrition and exercise. Get some support people in real life to talk to. Relatives, friends, a therapist, etc.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry man. TT is devastating, pure torture. And this came with buried bodies in the back yard. GRRRR


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

I find myself looking at pictures of us and the family on and around the dates of when I know she was unfaithful. I am looking at my work calendars to see what I was doing on those days. The pictures are a killer. I just dont understand.....


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet said:


> I kicked her out today.
> 
> Found out the 2 times were actually 4 times.
> Found out there was another affair 2 years ago.
> ...


Bumpy ride Jet...

Rarely is the affair that a wife is caught in the whole story. As bad as it is, it seems there is always more. 

My wife admitted that when her 1st first affair went sexual she felt trapped. She wanted out but was addicted to extremely focused attention that the affair gave her. 

It took a few weeks before my wife broke down and admitted to years of serial cheating. The guilt and lies were too much. Strange... She would of gone to the grave with her betrayal if never caught, but once busted she could contain the lies no longer. 

What I saying is hold on, the ride could get a lot rougher. I know the shock you are in... it's numbing. take care.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Are you back together? After she admitted everything what happend?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jet said:


> She finally just confessed everything.
> 
> I have no idea whats next on that front.
> 
> I have to get focused for my kids and make sure I get everyone where they need to be this week and make sure they understand that they are loved.


This wouldn't be the end of it if all that you have is her confession. Cheaters lie and minimalize. 

next time you talk with her, mention a polygraph and watch a bit more truth(affairs) come out. She looks like a seasoned cheater. I wouldn't be surprised if she had a few ONS too.

edit: Are you in a no-fault state?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet said:


> I find myself looking at pictures of us and the family on and around the dates of when I know she was unfaithful. I am looking at my work calendars to see what I was doing on those days. The pictures are a killer. I just dont understand.....


Jet,

"Trying to understand"... It's normal.

Just like looking at the pictures to see where you were physically as well as emotionally in your marriage during the affairs. At some point you will feel like years of your life were stolen from you do to her betrayal. Again very normal. 

I personally had access to years of my wife's private email archives. Reading those over and over gave an insight into who she was more than anything. For example, she would email the OM and plan out a secret meeting in some close town, then 15 minutes later email me "Wishing me a happy B-Day, and I love you so much". Cheaters are a contradiction by definition.

In the end, I came to the conclusion that her affairs while ever bit real, painful to accept, were still just a fantasy. Fantasies are make believe and make believe is never rational.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Jet said:


> I find myself looking at pictures of us and the family on and around the dates of when I know she was unfaithful. I am looking at my work calendars to see what I was doing on those days. The pictures are a killer. I just dont understand.....


Jet,

Listen to RWB because he has lived through it.

ANd you are looking at pictures and calendars trying to make sense out of the irrational behaviors of your wayward wife.

Do not try. Not yet.

What you are going to realize is that her Affairs/Cheating had nothing to do with you. She chose to cheat. She needed to fill a hole in her personality. 

And what is sad is that her poor choice to cheat has hurt you, your family and your marriage.

HM64


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jet said:


> I kicked her out today.
> 
> Found out the 2 times were actually 4 times.
> Found out there was another affair 2 years ago.
> ...


I really hate to say this, but there may yet be even more. We all know about Trickle Truth (TT). It was more than 4 times and there was more than just another affair 2 years ago. Seriously.










Why? Look at your answer to warlock07s question about how she behaved during the affair.



Jet said:


> She kept on with her routine.


This means either she is really good at compartmentalizing her affair life from her married life, OR she is an experienced cheater, or in the worst case scenario, both. With her recent revelations, I'm tending to think that she's an experienced cheater and has been having affairs for years. She's had the perfect opportunity as a SAHM. If you read on one cheater site, SAHMs and teachers are at the top of their list for women creating profiles there.

It's my conclusion that usually, first time cheaters show a lot of red flag behavior during affairs because its their first or second time, while experienced cheaters or cheaters in Long Term Affairs (LTAs) are more able to act normal and not vary their routine too much.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I really hate to say this, but there may yet be even more. We all know about Trickle Truth (TT). It was more than 4 times and there was more than just another affair 2 years ago. Seriously.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Stay at home mom.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You're welcome.
> 
> When you look for a marriage counselor, be careful to get one experienced in infidelity, othewise they try to make it all about your bad behaviors being the reason she cheated and it's all about fixing you and not about fixing her. There seem to be a lot of bad marriage counselors out there when it comes to infidelity issues, some who justify infidelity if the cheater was somehow unhappy. You want one who thinks cheating is unacceptable no matter what happens in the marriage, that divorce should come before cheating.
> 
> ...


I think I bought the wrong book. No More Mr Nice Guy by Glover????


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Jet said:


> I think I bought the wrong book. No More Mr Nice Guy by Glover????


If your intetion is to reconcile,then you bought exactly the right book...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

For now just let her be----cut off her CC's, put all monies, in an acct, with your name only on the acct

Tell her she is responsible for half of all bills, including insurances, car and mtg payments---and if she has no money---then she can go and get one, two, three jobs---however many it will take for her to be funtional.

In other words---give her a very large dose of REALITY

She had it all, a good mge, a good husband, kids---the dream---and what did she do with it all---started spreading her legs for other men

How many times have you come home, been given sex, that was actually sloppy 2nds---how long has she been telling you when you came home each night, to your supposed loving wife, and you asked her how her day went---and she told you everything was good----even while knowing she was with another man---her lying, and keeping her dirty little secrets, that is cheating by ommission

Do not make any of this easy on her, whether you intend to D., or R.---Let her grovel, she has treated you like a POS, destroyed you, destroyed her own flesh and blood kids---she needs to be accountable, and at this point if she wants back into the family, and you are so inclined---she CAN GROVEL----and even that is to good for her.

Stay tuff, you need to go on with your life, and be a father to your kids---your so called wife---as I said, let her taste REALITY---let's see how many of those men she spread her legs for, are willing to take care of her, as you did.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Yep, the right book.
NO MORE MR. NICE GUY
Glover's site


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Update:

We are seeing a MT. She is getting individual therapy.
I am getting individual therapy.

It came out that prior to marraige, 3 more affairs while we were living together. Prior to getting engaged...though we were in a committed relationship.

So....

3 affairs
Enagaged
Married 19 years
3 month affair
2 years later
6 month affair

I knew none of it.

She says she was young on the ones prior to engagement...having a mid-life crisis on the ones while married.

She says she is committed to therapy to fix herself.

Obviously, monogomy doesnt mean the same thing to her as me.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Tiger, stripes. This is who she is.

Some people make a mistake, some people change over time. But you have a clear consistent pattern over many years of her not being able to be monogamous.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jet said:


> Update:
> 
> We are seeing a MT. She is getting individual therapy.
> I am getting individual therapy.
> ...



What the hell? Excuses, excuses!! She will have an excuse ready for the next time she cheats - temporary insanity. Whats the plan? Do you plan to reconcile or divorce ?


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

There is some great advice on this thread but I would suggest be cautious before deciding to expose the affair especially if she is remorseful. You could turn a situation she wants to work into one where she's hating you. I agree that she should feel consequences, and probably is already if shes begging for another chance (no-one ever wants to be in that position). I think exposing an affair is a disproportionate response in many cases, can be taken as vindictive and mean, and also can be viewed as though you are whining to family with a "woe is me" attitude.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> It's unreal how waywards try to justify things. She met up with him two weeks ago to shut things down over drinks? I mean that seems like the logical thing to do in their minds?


Yes, it does seem logical in their twisted logic. So sad.

They don't realize that to the BS letting the affair partner down gently is disrespectful and shows that they have not fully shifted their allegiance back to the marriage and the spouse. 

In my situation, to my mind, there was no need to let down a serial cheating, one nighter, girl girl thing girl, porn-video-sending woman down gently. 

She knows she was not a nice person who was doing a deceitful hurtful activity, and my STBEH should have to. 

I hope the OP in this thread stays alert and realizes that he has not yet gotten the full truth out of his spouse.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

delhiprincess said:


> what next time she is going to cheat because of global warming or increase in fuel prices.
> give me a break. you could have given you std
> 
> you test to check if the kids are yours.


Yeah, unfortunately. Get the DNA kits.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes, do the paternity tests on your kids. The tests are fairly cheap. 

Do it so that you know the truth and can rest your mind on this part of the scam of a marriage.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

GetTough said:


> There is some great advice on this thread but I would suggest be cautious before deciding to expose the affair especially if she is remorseful. You could turn a situation she wants to work into one where she's hating you. I agree that she should feel consequences, and probably is already if shes begging for another chance (no-one ever wants to be in that position). I think exposing an affair is a disproportionate response in many cases, can be taken as vindictive and mean, and also can be viewed as though you are whining to family with a "woe is me" attitude.


I kinda agree with this. 

Expose to the affair partners spouse. But do not expose to the family or friends until and unless you decide to file for divorce. 

At that point, you won't care what the cheater thinks about your actions, and if they are remorseful, they will understand why you did it.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She was a cheater through out your relationship, this time you got suspicious and confessed a part which she thought you will be happy at, but you dig it further then she admitted to PA, that too 2 times and gave you all details to make you believe its all, then she said it was 4 times another A two yrs ago because she was scared that you will dig more and find more.

Why she admitted to you that she was having an A, when you got suspicious, definitely someone may have seen her and she thought they hinted you, else she should not have admitted on her will, because she cheated you through out without any guilt.

She is now finding excuses for her banging some others on your back for through out your relationship. It clearly says she is not remorseful. R with a spouse who is not remorseful, who dosent owns their crap, who is not on their knees begging for forgiveness is a False R. No amount of MT or IC can help you unless she does the above things. She is dragging you into a false R, as she dont want to loose her meal ticket not because she loves you or your children. You are only her meal ticket, an ATM machine.

Issue her the D, papers you deserve something better. No consequences for her action means no need to stop what she was doing.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Yeah, unfortunately. *Get the DNA kits.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Its time for you to have DNA and STD tests.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There are certain degrees of exposure, and the case by case sitchs, but for the most part exposing to the AP wife/GF is important, in the preventive maintenence side of things. Its good to have an extra set of eyes on the NC. Plus it make the wayward accept one of many consequences.
Especially waywards friend, it lets them know that there wingman has choosen the marriage and there spouse over going out and parting with them due to the fragile state of the marriage.

IMHO if a wayward really wants to own there crap and take responesablity, they will expose there infidelity to there side of the family.Not for any other reason put for support. But in somecase the said family may not be the best in showing support and make matter worse by being judgmental.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

A DNA test and a STD test is again another consequence she needs to face.

The DNA test may not matter much to you cuz no matter what the kids will always me yours, but the point doing this is a strong staement to your WW in the extent of the damage she has cuased.

The STD is again a strong statement on the damge thats was caused...not only that buts its for your own good.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Jet said:


> I find myself looking at pictures of us and the family on and around the dates of when I know she was unfaithful. I am looking at my work calendars to see what I was doing on those days. The pictures are a killer. I just dont understand.....


Jet - Sorry this is happening to you. The calendar thing - I relate to that. I spent several months if not years - looking at calendars, my work diary, every place wherever the date was there. Emails were especially hurting - I was happy discussing with my software team, and this cheating was happening somewhere else. I still do pause at certaing dates and probably my heart palpitates.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jet said:


> Update:
> 
> 
> So....
> ...



I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, many folks here have gone thru the same thing....hell even more.

In my case;
20 OM
Married 22 yrs 
7 yrs into marraige,OM #1
13 yrs later, OM #20
on and off with OM's lasting a couple of weeks to a month
longest A 2 months
by the end....ONS after ONS...leaving in the middle of the night, going home with strange.

You will get thru this crap we all do and you will be better off on the other end with or with out your chick.

My best advise here is, do not let your wifes brokeness define who you are. Its is all her and how she handled her own issues. This has nothing to do with you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet,

This idea that exposure will turn her against you or make her hate you is ridiculous. Do you think years of serial cheating, lying, exposing you and your family to sickness or worse is loving and kind. She has shown you how much respect and love she has for you... None.

Your wife is a classic serial cheater that has learned very well the skill to compartmentalize her affair life from her real life. My own wife was the same way. She told me that her affairs were like taking a vacation from reality... just a little break from life... it made her feel good about herself that she was desired by OM. 

The reason to expose (wide and far) is not for vindication. It's to break the cycle, tear down the wall of secrecy, to allow her to see the level of destruction and pain that her selfish actions were responsible for.

I was sitting in the exact same place. The way I saw it... if she felt that exposure was to harsh and hated me for it, then she was not willing to admit and live up to the truth of who she had become and what she did. Real consequences for actions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think serier cheaters like our wifes are so jacked up and after years of unhealthy behaviors that just beats them down more and more they have no other place to go but up. The trick is will it be with there betrayed husbands or not.

Its this self distructing behavior that makes them feel worse. The smart ones take the second chance they are getting and make it better, they fix them selve no matter if the loyal husband keeps them or not.

The dumb one die along in a trailer full of cats and cat boo, only to be found by the postman.

I hope your chick is one of the smart ones!


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Jet said:


> Update:
> 
> We are seeing a MT. She is getting individual therapy.
> I am getting individual therapy.
> ...


Take it easy brother - We know this is too much for you. Most of us have been there. Take good care of yourself as this is the time when you will not think of anything other than those old times when you were innocently happy and she was playing the field. Don't stop your regular activities - eating, exercising and socializing. It is her time to pay. And as said by jnj express, let her face the reality. DON'T take any decision in hurry. You are already paying emotionally. Don't pay financially or heath-wise.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RWB said:


> Jet,
> 
> 
> The reason to expose (wide and far) is not for vindication. It's to break the cycle, tear down the wall of secrecy, to allow her to see the level of destruction and pain that her selfish actions were responsible for.
> ...


:iagree:

This point of exposure is dead on!!!!

My fWW had the smarts to know this and exposed her self to all her friends ....her real ones the ones that would never tolorate my fWW behavior. Even her family knows and have supported her path to being a better women, an emotionally healthy women.

So there are some great benifits to exposing the adultous behavior.


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

RWB said:


> Jet,
> 
> This idea that exposure will turn her against you or make her hate you is ridiculous. Do you think years of serial cheating, lying, exposing you and your family to sickness or worse is loving and kind. She has shown you how much respect and love she has for you... None.
> 
> ...


It has been exposed to her family and mine. Our closest friends. I was reluctant at first, but it was done. Her mother called me apologizing for her daughter and begged me to take her back.
Both of us got a full set of STD tests. Happy to report all negative.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jet,

Exposure is tough, it is doesn't make you feel better, but is needed to move on regardless of D or R. I hope for your best. I've been where you are and know that there are no winners... only losers when a marriage is betrayed with infidelity. Do not give up on yourself or your marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Jet, your wife is a serial cheater and no amount of therapy will change that. It's who she is. she doesn't feel guilt, she is able to look you in the eye, while thinking about the next time she can ditch you and go see the OM. 

And she's done it so many times through your relationship she's lost count of how many, when and where.

Therapy doesn't impart morals to people. It can help them through toubled emotional states, it can teach them better communications. It doesn't rewrite their personality.

DNA the kids, and get some time to yourself to really evaluate the future. Ask yourself how you could possibly develop any trust or faith in her ever again. Ask yourself how much of your life you should give to someone who so easily leaves you to go be with their AP.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

How she reacted when you kicked her out?


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## Jet (Aug 25, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> How she reacted when you kicked her out?


She was in a very bad place for a week while gone...completely an emotional wreck.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

At least dont allow her to manipulate you into the R with her self pity and tears.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Jet said:


> Both of us got a full set of STD tests. Happy to report all negative.


Good. When do you get the DNA results?


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