# Relationship Neediness and Influence on Libido?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

After having struggled with unbalanced libidos in my marriage and being in a much better place these days, I have observed that "neediness" has a very powerful influence over one's libido. 

For those that are HD:

neediness may make it difficult to manage rejection after a failed initiation
trying to be super confident about one's neediness just never ends well
a LD partner will likely perceive neediness as extremely unattractive and immature 

For those that are LD:

neediness may manifest as increased sexual receptiveness (easy to mistake as improved libido)
neediness may cause additional frustration if intimacy just goes straight to the point. In contrast real mutual arousal may enjoy fast paced action and spontaneity. 

My point being is that those struggling with an imbalance may want to take some time to think about neediness and how it impacts intimacy in your marriage. A genius HD may try and come up with ways to more confident and perhaps manipulate an LD into being more needy, but that will backfire as it always does. So then what is the answer to relationships where the dynamic of neediness is creating problems with intimacy? 

I would say just being aware of neediness in yourself and partner is at least half the battle.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Seems to me the way for the HD to address neediness is the same way to address the mismatch. Work on yourself to improve your self-image. Eat right. Exercise. Attend to your life responsibilities. Become the most attractive version of yourself that you can reasonably and sustainably be.

And if that doesn't help with the neediness (or the mismatch), then leave your partner and go find someone who better meets your needs.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

You guys got it down.
Be the best you and neediness will disappear. 
And then a better response from your LD.
I bet there's a book out there about this?....... 
But don't talk about it!!
It's like fightclub.

Except you bring up your a misogynist.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> You guys got it down.
> Be the best you and neediness will disappear.
> And then a better response from your LD.
> I bet there's a book out there about this?.......
> ...


Well NMMNG does not address how someone that is LD may falsely appear to have an improved libido when needy. 

So some HD folks out there trying to increase the frequency of intimacy in a marriage might think, "well things sure are great right now" when in reality the relationship is veering into a bit of codependence as the LD partner has become rather needy for some reason. 

Neediness is not inherently a bad thing as we all need a meaningful connection with our spouse. The question is more about how we manage that neediness in ourselves and partners for it to be selfless or selfish. Or should neediness just be vulnerable? Or something else...

Something to ponder and not exactly related to the book NMMNG. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> You guys got it down.
> Be the best you and neediness will disappear.
> And then a better response from your LD.
> I bet there's a book out there about this?....... <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
> ...


I think this advice is sound of you pair it with a willingness to walk away if necessary.

NMMNG is only misogynistic in the hands of someone who was already a misogynist.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"So some HD folks out there trying to increase the frequency of intimacy in a marriage might think, "well things sure are great right now" when in reality the relationship is veering into a bit of codependence as the LD partner has become rather needy for some reason. "

I don't think this is necessarily neediness. I think this happens when the low drive partner realizes they are about to lose the spouse, so they ramp it up for a while.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I think this advice is sound of you pair it with a willingness to walk away if necessary.
> 
> NMMNG is only misogynistic in the hands of someone who was already a misogynist.


That and MMSL.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Neediness and needs are two totally different things.

The clingy one who keeps expressing their desire for their partner to pay attention to them, be by them, have sex with them, want them..........is NEEDY AND UNATTRACTIVE.


The pardner who understands what is important to them in a relationship, what means they are willing to get it, and understand how much that depends on THEMSELVES ...is a lot
more likely to come off as attractive and self assured. If they are matched with the wrong partner for them it will come off as UNATTRACTIVE. 

Understand what you want and to what means you are willing to get it ....... being needy to get the other person to want you is the worst plan of all and self defeating.


Because this is posted in the sex section: The more you show the other person it is YOU that needs THEM it sets up a bad sexual dynamic. You see this all the time on 
here with guys begging their wife for sex. It is a complete turn off. If 1/2 these guys would have never set up the dynamic of putting there wife in charge of permission for sex
they would not be in the position they are in in. If you want her....take her. That is fulfilling your needs....and not being needy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Neediness and needs are two totally different things.
> 
> The clingy one who keeps expressing their desire for their partner to pay attention to them, be by them, have sex with them, want them..........is NEEDY AND UNATTRACTIVE.


In a mismatched relationship where the HD wants more sex and the LD becomes needy and wants more sex as a result, this DOES NOT MAKE THAT PERSON UNATTRACTIVE. It does however create problems because the HD person may thing existing problematic behaviors are validated because sexual intimacy recently increased. Underlying problems in the relationship continue and eventually resurface. 




> The pardner who understands what is important to them in a relationship, what means they are willing to get it, and understand how much that depends on THEMSELVES ...is a lot
> more likely to come off as attractive and self assured. If they are matched with the wrong partner for them it will come off as UNATTRACTIVE.
> 
> Understand what you want and to what means you are willing to get it ....... being needy to get the other person to want you is the worst plan of all and self defeating.
> ...


Some women do like a man that knows what he "wants" and will selfishly just take it. That dynamic works for some but not all. Meanwhile in other relationships some women with low self confidence may question if there is even any friendship in the marriage or if everything depends on her willingness to just put out and have sex every time the man wants it. In that situation that man should take a much different approach as opposed to just taking what he wants sexually from the relationship. 

I know most reading and posting here will discuss more of the dynamic of the HD being the needy one. But one point of reoccurring frustration in my opinion among all that post here is the notion of "wash, rinse, and repeat" in terms of trying to improve a LD partners low libido. My theory is that the libido may not improve during times when intimacy improves, only the neediness of the LD partner increases. 

Is that neediness good or bad, I don't know... but I do think it is important for partners not to confuse neediness with an increased libido. I think doing so could improve the dynamics of a lot of struggles here. 

Perhaps as with many ideas and thoughts, I could be completely wrong. But this is just where I am on the matter of trying to understand and better appreciate the dynamics that HD/LD couples deal with over long periods of time.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

neediness is BS


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## Simple Dude (Dec 21, 2016)

The Way it Was , The Way It Used to Be. Omg have things gotten so complexed What used to be a Pizza , a few Beers, Cocktails, And a Sexual Event has turned into all this . What it really comes down to is there are people that enjoy a good old orgasm and one's that don't . So be it ???


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

badsanta said:


> After having struggled with unbalanced libidos in my marriage and being in a much better place these days, I have observed that "neediness" has a very powerful influence over one's libido.
> 
> For those that are HD:
> 
> ...


A number of great responses to your post. I too am the HD in a mismatched HD/LD relationship. With the help of a sex therapist we have found a workable solution, but it took real commitment to our marriage from both of us and each of us working on improving our own self. 

The problem in marriage is that a long term spouse really knows what you mean and are trying to do. Your body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, where you look at them as you talk to them are all clues as to what you really mean. So your comment about a genius HD figuring out how to manipulate the LD spouse, just will not work.

You have to come to a moment of truth and understand that you can not change your partner, only they can change themself. You have to forgive them and show them that you love them for who they are. You can give positive feedback to changes they make that provide you with more pleasure, but you can't demand it from them.

My suggestion is to figure out what you really need at a minimum. Explain it as a boundary condition for your marriage. Then let you spouse decide if meeting that is worth the positive aspects of being married or just too much trouble. That is what we did with the help of a sex therapist and it seems to have worked. It has been hard at times, but we are both committed to making the marriage work.

I agree that neediness can be a clingy, co-dependent kind of thing that destroys sexual tension.

Good luck. You seem to have made great progress from your posts a few years back. I think that Glover's NMMNG was a real helpful book to get me thinking about curing my co-dependence and neediness that hurt my sexual attractiveness.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I've don't quite understand the whole "neediness" thing.

It seems to me that relationships are based on neediness. The only reason we associate with others is because they have/provide something we need. Whether it be food, social stimulation, a skill, emotional gratification, etc.

So if a woman/man doesn't provide something you need, then why would you make them a permanent fixture in your life, and take on all the additional responsibilities their presence entails?

Hence, if baffles me when women say that "neediness" is a turn off. As if any man would be seeking her out if she had nothing he needed. Or as if they'd prefer to be irrelevant.

Perhaps a more accurate statement is that disproportionate levels of neediness - between them and their partner/prospective partner, is what turns people off?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Perhaps a more accurate statement is that disproportionate levels of neediness - between them and their partner/prospective partner, is what turns people off?


I think it is more along the lines of badly needing something that they don't generally feel like providing.

If you have a huge need for home cooked meals and your spouse loves to cook, it doesn't really matter how much they like to eat what they cook. But if your spouse is watching their weight and goes on a paleo/keto diet, and you are constantly pushing them to cook pasta, they might resent your "neediness" for pasta because they don't want to face down temptation every gosh darn evening.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

badsanta said:


> In a mismatched relationship where the HD wants more sex and the LD becomes needy and wants more sex as a result, this DOES NOT MAKE THAT PERSON UNATTRACTIVE. It does however create problems because the HD person may thing existing problematic behaviors are validated because sexual intimacy recently increased. Underlying problems in the relationship continue and eventually resurface.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And it often seems to me that some people, seems mostly men to me, view every single action, word or ANYTHING is some Big Message about sex.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> Hence, if baffles me when women say that "neediness" is a turn off. As if any man would be seeking her out if she had nothing he needed. Or as if they'd prefer to be irrelevant.


For me (and other women I have talk with) it is about the learned helplessness version of needy. The abdication of things so that "she" will take care of it. In addition, many women would prefer to feel WANTED rather than needed.

My ex used to tell me how much he needed me, as if this was supposed to be a turn on. No sh** Sherlock. He needed me to make sure he ate, take care of his health, wash all the clothes, make the big decisions, keep a stable income, blah blah blah.

I didn't want another child. I wanted a SPOUSE, a lover, someone who desired me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

If you have needs . . . .
emotional needs . . . . 
Physical needs . . . . 
Financial needs . . . .
Pasta needs . . . .
Medical needs . . . . 
Automotive needs . . . . 
Household needs . . . .
If, indeed, you need to be "Wanted" . . . .
Then you are needy, and therefore unattractive.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> For me (and other women I have talk with) it is about the learned helplessness version of needy. The abdication of things so that "she" will take care of it. In addition, many women would prefer to feel WANTED rather than needed.
> 
> My ex used to tell me how much he needed me, as if this was supposed to be a turn on. No sh** Sherlock. He needed me to make sure he ate, take care of his health, wash all the clothes, make the big decisions, keep a stable income, blah blah blah.
> 
> I didn't want another child. I wanted a SPOUSE, a lover, someone who desired me.


So, neglecting responsibilities so that she'll pick up the slack? Did I understand correctly?

In my opinion, men don't _want_ women, and I don't think women _want _men. If you somehow isolated a man, or a woman, from all members of the opposite sex for the rest of their life, they'd likely be chronically unhappy, or even suicidal. 

That's not the type of reaction one has to something they merely want. In my opinion, that more accurately reflects a need. Is this just an area in which fantasy is at play? A man pretends they're not invested in the woman, so the woman feels drawn. While no one considers the fact that if he wasn't invested, he wouldn't have approached her to begin with?

In addition, I fail to understand how being of such little consequence, as to be categorized as a fleeting want, versus an intrinsic need, somehow turns women on? "Eh, who cares about her", versus "I really need her in my life".


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> A number of great responses to your post. I too am the HD in a mismatched HD/LD relationship. With the help of a sex therapist we have found a workable solution, but it took real commitment to our marriage from both of us and each of us working on improving our own self.
> 
> The problem in marriage is that a long term spouse really knows what you mean and are trying to do. Your body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, where you look at them as you talk to them are all clues as to what you really mean. So your comment about a genius HD figuring out how to manipulate the LD spouse, just will not work.
> 
> ...


Great Feedback! 

I know from my own struggles that I have in the past failed to recognize the role that neediness plays in the dynamic of a couple struggling to manage a HD/LD relationship. 

Both myself and my wife have become needy at different times for different reasons, I and think over the years it has been the biggest influence over the dynamics of HD/LD problems. 

I think the moral of the story is for couples to recognize and acknowledge neediness to recognize the role it plays in relationships for both good and bad. At the same time neediness shouldn't be manipulated.

Thanks for helping clarify my thoughts!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BioFury said:


> So, neglecting responsibilities so that she'll pick up the slack? Did I understand correctly?
> 
> In my opinion, men don't _want_ women, and I don't think women _want _men. If you somehow isolated a man, or a woman, from all members of the opposite sex for the rest of their life, they'd likely be chronically unhappy, or even suicidal.
> 
> ...


You completely misunderstood my post, and I'm too tired to explain.

Suffice it to say, "I need you to be my mother and nurse" does NOT engender romantic love.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> If you have needs . . . .
> emotional needs . . . .
> Physical needs . . . .
> Financial needs . . . .
> ...


Boo hoo. Talk about a pity party misrepresentation of attraction.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> For me (and other women I have talk with) it is about the learned helplessness version of needy. The abdication of things so that "she" will take care of it. In addition, many women would prefer to feel WANTED rather than needed.
> 
> My ex used to tell me how much he needed me, as if this was supposed to be a turn on. No sh** Sherlock. He needed me to make sure he ate, take care of his health, wash all the clothes, make the big decisions, keep a stable income, blah blah blah.
> 
> I didn't want another child. I wanted a SPOUSE, a lover, someone who desired me.


Not even a man-child that is super confident about his neediness and as a result super successful in life?








> Mammoni: The Mama's Boys of Italy | 60 Minutes
> Italian men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s who live at home with their mothers and love it.


This documentary makes me roll on the floor laughing as it shows extremely successful men with six figure incomes still living at home with mamma and sleeping in their childhood beds. These men describe their lives as "Paradiso!"


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It's like you KNOW my ex was Italian.......


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> It's like you KNOW my ex was Italian.......


OMG I have been laughing about that video among my friends. One of which said, "women really need to know that when they get married that they are actually adopting a large child!"

I'll admit I enjoy having someone such as my wife take care of the same things my mom used to do for me such as cleaning, cooking, laundry, planning vacation travel accommodations, and buying all my cloths... it is paradise! 

Yet I do acknowledge it creates problematic issues that arise out of me taking all those things for granted. So my wife and I found that just hiring a maid pretty much solves a great deal of those problems and now we both get to share the joy of being grown children around the house. 

So for those in relationships where the dynamic of neediness is creating a toxic environment towards intimacy, instead of spending money on therapy just hire a maid instead! Even if it is just a once-a-month thing. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Needs, wants, desires, dependency, self-sufficiency. 

Are parts of a relationship but should no one should be dominant, unless it's self-sufficiency.

Now, we each have our routines in M, but it's unthinkable one SO should over burden the other, or take advantage of the other all the time.

In the big picture it's a balance. Different roles for everyday life. 

In any emergency we all do what's needed whenever. That's a different story.

I encourage DW to know where things are, accounts, etc, in case something happens to me.

Gives me peace of mind, and is a big sign that I care about her well being, as would be in any good M.

😁 don't be needy. Be helpful yourself, appreciate when SO is helpful.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Needs, wants, desires, dependency, self-sufficiency.
> 
> Are parts of a relationship but should no one should be dominant, unless it's self-sufficiency.
> 
> ...


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