# Wife and I can't agree on Custody!



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I know this thread is a little out of place, but I haven't had a response from the divorce forum. So I thought I'd try here where I've always received feedback mostly damn good feedback. 
In case you don't know my story: Real quick: Wife and I married for 11 years. Two kids. She has affair. Leaves to live with cousin in June. Has visited kids off and on, but continues to live in another state. She just found work! I have been taking care of our kids. I have contacted a lawyer and is patiently waiting till January for insurance to cover most of the costs. Now here's the issue: My wife and I chatted on the phone today and everything to lay out a plan of what we want the divorce to look like before I file. Things went well about doing things 50/50, and her really wanting to help out financially for me and the kids. 
Then it came to custody of the kids and she suggested she would like there to be no primary decision maker for residency instead we jointly agree where the kids will reside. I told her I don't agree. That I would like to remain the primary residence and allow joint custody where the kids can visit during holidays and summer vacation. I know that in a joint custody with a primary residence that there is writing that also says we could "mutually agree" to make changes on many things after the divorce is final. Is what she is suggesting even exist or common?? Also, her "friends" who are divorced up there is making her paranoid with stories of divorces starting good but turning bad and she thinks it will turn into one. 
And this suggestion from a website she sent me might be more specific: 
THIS OPTION CAN BE SELECTED ONLY IF THE PARTIES AGREE TO IT.
Joint Managing Conservators, No Party Chooses Child’s Primary Home, Geographic Limit on Child’s Primary Home:
Both parties share legal custody. Neither party has the right to decide where the child’s primary home is located.
** Then who the hell decides? The judge? And would that mean we end up in court EVERY time one of us wants the kids and the other says no? I am hoping she can see the reality she is in that it will be a waste of money for her as well as me to fight this. If it's anyone that is possibly going to make this ugly, it's her. Grrrr...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Possibly the best bet would be to ask your solicitor who could perhaps draught up a letter and ease her mind. She would have legal documentation in hand.
The courts will (Should!) always rule 'in the best interests of the children' and that may NOT be her. Perhaps her friends should give her some sound advice instead of presumptuous factiods.
Stick to your guns.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Bow up!!!!!!!!! 

You said you have contacted a lawyer, have you secured that person's services?.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Your kids live with you primarily. You are their primary caregiver, regardless of what she wants. It should be in writing.

Spell out the custody/shared parenting, Put it in writing. Add verbiage about exceptions can be made when both parties agree (i.e. Cousin Mary is getting married and she wants the kids at the wedding).

Putting it in writing takes the "personal" out of it and ends the possibility of any party taking advantage.

Your attorney would give the same advice.

(There's probably a "stock" shared parenting agreement on the web for your state/county. Modify it so that it fits her being in another state, and you'll be good. All of the above is usually included in these "standard" documents.)


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

January is a few weeks away.

File for divorce and full custody due to abandonment. Let her fight the legal obstacles if she wants different result.

Dont expose your hand now. Be non-committal so that you dont raise her suspicions. She's doing some research now.

Be careful during the long holiday coming up. She may try to sneak the children off with her.

Or, can you file now but not serve her till January?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

[QUOTE*]File for divorce* *and full custody due to abandonment.* Let her fight the legal obstacles if she wants different result.[/QUOTE]

We said this to you before?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

aug said:


> January is a few weeks away.
> 
> File for divorce and full custody due to abandonment. Let her fight the legal obstacles if she wants different result.
> 
> ...


Good advice here, in addition to OOE's.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She has abandoned her family, and you need to act fast. Because she is feeling stronger now that she s getting the dvorce she wants and her extramarital relationships in MN are working for her without consequences. At the moment she is winning on all fronts.

So she is now refusing to play nice, because she no longer thinks she needs to.

You keep playing nice and soft with her, hoping she will be reasonable, but all she does is take more and more and get everything she wants. Name one thing she hasn't gotten on completely her terms since she began cheating. Go on, just one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

There is no way this is going to be done easily, you have to know that. Not with the way she has behaved over the past year. Sorry to say.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Today she sent me a message indicating that she doesn't want lawyers involved and wants to do this all in mediation.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Houston, she wants to keep you playing softball because she knows she can always work you over.

If you had a lawyer advising you, she couldn't manipulate you like she is used too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Today she sent me a message indicating that she doesn't want lawyers involved and wants to do this all in mediation.


Of course she doesn't. With lawyers involved, she doesn't have a leg to stand on. I think she gave up 'what she wants' when she left.
F*ck what SHE wants, what's best for your kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

She dont care about well being of your children.She abandon them for her own happiness.She is selfish.
File for full custody of children.
She is trying to manipulate u.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Of course she doesn't want lawyers or judges involved. She abandoned her children. That in itself is reason enough to award you full custody.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

See a good lawyer. Do not tell her you are seeing a lawyer. Have the lawyer prepare a proposed marital property and custody agreement. Do not try to put one together on your own. The amount of child support she might be obligated for if you get primary residential custody will be negligable, so I would suggest writing in something very low like 50 per week or even going so far as saying she will have no support obligation for the first five years. That might make things go a lot easier and faster. The lawyer can plug in the numbers to tell you what the amount would be if a judge decided. Delay is not in your best interest. You are currently in the strongest position you will likely ever be in. Depending on the state, because each state has It's own laws, the agreement might not even use the word "primary". It might just say the children are living with you and will continue living with you, and then go on to say the times they will be with your STBX. Don't think you can save money and do it all yourself without a lawyer. That is taking too big a risk. Remember, if you reach an agreement with your wife and then get it ratified by the court in a dissolution, you have controlled the outcome. If you delay and a judge makes the decision, you have lost control. See the lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Yea - just keep in mind - if you keep delaying the lawyer thing and she ends up whooping your a*s in in the divorce - please don't whine to us about it, because we aren't going to listen to it.

I know you want to save money - I can appreciate pinching a penny or dollar or two, but this is your KIDS! get the lawyer and do the right thing!


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You do not go to mediation without having a proposed agreement already drafted. And what kind of mediation do you think you would be going to? Presuit? Worthless. The mediator is not there to prepare the document for you. So, if you are thinking of filing suit and then going to mediation you will have already given up an advantage. I don't want to give out info on my occupation, but I strongly suggest you listen and go get a lawyer now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

JustWaiting said:


> See a good lawyer. Do not tell her you are seeing a lawyer. Have the lawyer prepare a proposed marital property and custody agreement. Do not try to put one together on your own. The amount of child support she might be obligated for if you get primary residential custody will be negligable, so I would suggest writing in something very low like 50 per week or even going so far as saying she will have no support obligation for the first five years. That might make things go a lot easier and faster. The lawyer can plug in the numbers to tell you what the amount would be if a judge decided. Delay is not in your best interest. You are currently in the strongest position you will likely ever be in. Depending on the state, because each state has It's own laws, the agreement might not even use the word "primary". It might just say the children are living with you and will continue living with you, and then go on to say the times they will be with your STBX. Don't think you can save money and do it all yourself without a lawyer. That is taking too big a risk. Remember, if you reach an agreement with your wife and then get it ratified by the court in a dissolution, you have controlled the outcome. If you delay and a judge makes the decision, you have lost control. See the lawyer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is one of the better advice I have seen.


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