# LD feeling attacked at home



## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

and on TAM

Hi all I am new. Love, Love this site. Enjoy all the input.

Question or maybe just a rant. Recently I have read a lot of threads about the LD spouse. It seems to me we are attacked by the HD spouse because of our drive.

I have read one thread call why not bend for a friend...i think that was what it is called. (but if you just have sex for the HD they start complaing that I want to be desired) wth?

So a little about me. I really like sex. I like all positions, I like oral and have even tried anal. I just do not like to have sex every day. My desire is 1x a week and I am fine. If we have a good session, both getting out needs met my tank is full. 

My spouse is HD he can go everyday. He has the same complaint that most people on TAM does. Why are LD proscuted because we have a low drive. 

I have started initiating and even trying to compromise with 2-3 times a week, just not every day. 

What more can we LDers do.?

Its is not that we do not love our spouses, we just dont need as much sex as you do.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Sounds like you're doing what you can, which is good. Compromise is about all anyone can expect in a situation like yours. Just keep in mind, not all situations are like yours. Some men and women here have gone months and sometimes years at a stretch without any sex or intimacy from their spouse. There's not a lot you can say to someone in that position to make them believe that their situation is really ok and they're just making a mountain out of a molehill.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

With a 2 - 3 day compromise, you are doing a good thing in my opinion.

One way I look at it. Sex takes how long? maybe 20 - 30 mins? Is it really so bad to take 20 - 30 mins out of your day to make your other half happy.

That is just my opinion though. If my wife asked something from me that would take that kind of time out of my day that would make her very happy, id say sign me up baby. But I bend over backwards for her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Luv,

I have a terrific spouse who is LD. 

First off: props to you for compromising on frequency. That's big and shows commitment and love. 

Now, these are some healthy rules of engagement for you and your HD partner. 

Hopefully you:
- Come to bed with a good spirit 
- Relax and see if your body will respond - you should read about responsive desire, it's very common 
- Don't feel pressured to pretend that you are more aroused than you really feel
- Don't feel pressured to say you had an orgasm if you didn't

Hopefully he:
- Is grateful that you are making an effort to please him 
- Is just as gracious to you about your 'no sex' nights, as you are about having sex when not really in the mood
- Doesn't pressure you to lie about how great it is
- Doesn't complain if you don't come

And BOTH of you need to learn how to make this an overall positive experience for you, on the nights you don't start out in the mood. 

There are nights when M2 doesn't get turned on. Doesn't want to be touched in an explicitly sexual way. And that's ok. I don't critique her lack of arousal and she doesn't complain about my HD.

Folks like you often get some hostility from angry HD spouses on TAM. Ignore them. 

LD spouses are welcome here. 




luvinhim said:


> and on TAM
> 
> Hi all I am new. Love, Love this site. Enjoy all the input.
> 
> ...


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

luvinhim said:


> and on TAM
> 
> Hi all I am new. Love, Love this site. Enjoy all the input.
> 
> ...


I'm also very LD... closer to ND than anything else. 
I'm here because my SO is HD and I like input on how I can make our relationship stronger and how I can continue to meet his needs, but I don't really feel comfortable posting a lot,or asking questions myself due to what you are describing. 

I think the thing is there are different types of LD people - those of us who have always been like this and are honest about it, and those who changed into LD after kids/years marriage/etc, and there are a LOT of frustrated, angry spouses here due to the latter.


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

In my world, 1x per week would be considered HD. If only I could have that frequency.


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## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

thanks for the input you guys are great.

it make me feel a little better. MEM thanks for the advise, i will try to come to bed with a good spirit and maybe my body will follow. 

please chime in if you guys have more advise


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You didn't mention how long are you married... Once a week at 55 vs 25 is quite important. Also children, work issues, etc.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Luv,
You know that feeling you have the first year or two with the 'right person'.

We still have that feeling - in year 25. 

There are lots of reasons why, that said we've made our different drives an amplifier not a fracture point. 

The thing is, M2 doesn't have to lie to me. She doesn't have to pretend she has a headache, or her stomach is upset. 

When I give M2 that look, she can easily say: would it be ok if we connect tomorrow night? 

And I say sure. I don't ask her why? I know why. She has a lower desire than I do. And that's ok. 

It's not an empty promise. She follows through. 

You need to be able to tell your H the truth, in a nice way. 

It takes M2 maybe 10-20 minutes of kissing and non sexual touching before she wants to be touched in an explicitly sexual way. And that's ok. I'm in no hurry. And on the nights she says - sorry this or that body part is kind of sensitive - that means don't touch me there - I just accept it. 

It took us a while to get good at this. Sex isn't something I do TO M2, it's something I do WITH M2. So, if something feels bad to her, I want to know. 

I hope that makes sense to you. If he is patient and understanding, he will want you to teach him how to touch you in a way that feels good, even when you aren't as turned on as he is. 

M2 and I play some games that are very fun. If you like, I'll describe. Nothing crude - PG13 description. 




luvinhim said:


> thanks for the input you guys are great.
> 
> it make me feel a little better. MEM thanks for the advise, i will try to come to bed with a good spirit and maybe my body will follow.
> 
> please chime in if you guys have more advise


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Luv, i'm just like you except my hb is older so his drive is closer to mine. I'm good for a couple of times a week, some weeks i could go once and be happy and sometimes I could do a third time. For those times I love the sex and fully participate, but if I had a spouse that hounded me daily I'd never enjoy any of it because my tank would never refill. There have been times where I wasn't in the mood but gave it a shot and had it work out well. I'll also tell him if i'm just not going to be able to O, and he's ok with that. The honesty and understanding is important. Sometimes he can't finish and while I know it bothers him I tell him not to worry about it because there's always tomorrow. Lack of judgment is important to avoid performance anxiety.

I think your compromise sounds great and I hope he appreciates it. I agree that nobody should be made to feel bad for their natural sex drive, which they should be honest about before marriage. As long as you're both giving you should be able to work it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

I like the compromise idea. 


I also think there is something in your delivery of the compromise. Tonality and your expression in willingness to meet somewhere in the middle. If you huff and puff, but compromise, that doesnt work. If you compromise with your heart, your husband will likely sense love through this and it will mean that much more to him and , in return, you. 

I'd also like to point out, not sure if anyone else did already, your husband's or any HD husband's language of love. 

Remember, there are certain actions or words that make you feel loved in your relationship. You may not need sex frequently from your husband to feel loved, as this isnt your language. Maybe you need him to be present or you need words of affirmation to feel loved. In a relationship, I think couples can gain a lot of value by understanding what makes thier partner feel loved. In this case, physical touch may be a key ingredient in making your partner feel loved. 

We're all different. Different things light our fires. Once we udnerstand this, I'd imagine we become closer to partners.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Luvinhim;

I can't speak for the others, but i will speak for myself and perhaps what many others are thinking.

I do get angry when I read about spouses (wives AND husbands) who deny their partners sex for whatever reason, LD or otherwise.

But, I don't think we are talking about someone like you who cares and tries. There's nothing to complain about there. I don't think it's unfair at all to not want every day. Very few marriages or romances have every day (maybe some, but few).

I (we?) get angry about the selfish uncaring spouses who diss their spouses constantly. When you read about the unfortunate married spouses who have gone weeks, months, or even years without, or the spouse who blew it off saying 'her friends only have sex once a month, so that's normal; THIS is what makes me angry!

You are certainly not in that category. Keep on trying, and definitely don't feel bad..........


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Compromise is all good but if you have a spouse he!! bent on sex 4 times a year or less, doubling it to 8 or tripling it to 12 is not quite the answer... 

"But look, we are having sex 3 times more than before !!!"

To quote myself from a very early TAM post, "compromise works as long as both partners are referring to the same time unit". If one partner is talking times a week and the other times a year, you could have the United Nations mediate a compromise and it won't work.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm going to say, I wish your my wife! If my ex did this, sheit I wouldnt leave. A year later, I'm with a woman who is just like you now...I'm getting it almost everyday, when it's her period, BJ's and sometimes Anal. 

I'm now 42, and I wasted 21 years with my ex just vanilla sex once a month.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Luvinhim
LD / HD is such a difficult problem. 

Often the HD partner has felt limited in their sex life for so long that they can't imagine what it is like to not want sex. They can imagine tiredness, but not lack of desire. To them it seems incredibly selfish that their partner will not put in the 20 minutes it takes to satisfy them. They feel frustrated and rejected. They feel humiliated that they need to go masturbate in the toilet because the person who claims to love them won't spend 10 minutes to get them off by oral or some other means. The LD partner's desire to just sit together or hug is just a source of frustration, it reminds them of what they are missing. 

Meanwhile the LD partner feels constantly pressured. They want sex sometimes, but it is like food - if you aren't hungry you don't want to stuff food in your mouth. They start to feel that all the HD partner cares about is sex - it seems to be on their mind all the time. Every nice thing the HD partner does seems to be an attempt to "pay" for sex. Meanwhile it seems that the HD partner is rejecting everything except sex. 

This is of course a wild generalization, different relationships can be completely different. 

A few thoughts for the LD partner:

Try to reassure the HD partner that it is sex that they don't feel like, but they are not rejecting their partner. Don't make excuses - if you don't feel like sex, say so, not that you are tired, or busy. If possible, give them fair warning, don't make them expect sex all evening then decide you don't want it later. 

Expect and accept that the HD partner is likely to want release some other way - porn, sex toys etc. It doesn't make up for what they are missing, but it is better than nothing. 

Never ever trade sex for favors etc. Don't make them work for it. When you are in the mood, then have sex, but don't let your partner feel that they are trying and constantly failing to live up to your expectations and that is why they can't have sex.

When you do have sex, be sure it is really mutual. Don't fall into the trap where the HD partner is willing to do ANYTHING the LD partner wants in bed, but the LD partner feels that they only need to do exactly what they want at the moment.

Don't try to "acclimate" your partner to less sex. Every other day, twice a week, every week, every week except when there is something else to do, twice a month, every month, etc. They WILL notice. They will not and do not want to be weened off of sex. (keep track)


Thoughts for the HD partner
Try to understand that the LD partner is not rejecting YOU, but just doesn't feel like sex. Picture those rare occasions where you were completely sated. 

Don't react to sexual rejection with other rejection, in particular don't reject all physical intimacy because it doesn't lead to sex. 

Don't ask for, or imply you want sex all the time. Try not to make them feel that they need to turn you down every day. 


It will seem I am putting much more on the LD partner than the HD one, but I don't think there is much choice. It is the HD partner who is missing something in their lives, the LD partner is suffering from side effects, but not the main issue. 


Finally - I think this often ends badly. There are a lot of HD / LD relationships out there. Its just too easy for two frustrated HD partners from different relationships to run into each other. It is such an easy excuse "I wanted sex with my spouse, but they kept turning me down - did they really expect me to spend my life living like a nun / monk?" 

Sorry for the long tirade :soapbox:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MotoDude said:


> I'm going to say, I wish your my wife! If my ex did this, sheit I wouldnt leave. A year later, I'm with a woman who is just like you now...I'm getting it almost everyday, when it's her period, BJ's and sometimes Anal.
> 
> I'm now 42, and I wasted 21 years with my ex just vanilla sex once a month.


You probably got more sex in a couple of months than you did in 21 years.

What has the difference in your outlook been? Life must feel great in retrospect.

Did you feel cheated and/or shortchanged with the last situation?


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

treyvion said:


> You probably got more sex in a couple of months than you did in 21 years.
> 
> What has the difference in your outlook been? Life must feel great in retrospect.
> 
> Did you feel cheated and/or shortchanged with the last situation?


You got it, I have had more sex in the last few months then I had in 21 years. 

I feel great and more happier, I feel more important, I cant wait for my day to end and run home to her. I don't have to ask, she'll drop my pant and do me on the spot. I dont have to begged like a dog for days and weeks. I don't have to go thru all those rejections and excuses. 

To all the low desire wife and husband, fooken compromise will you, sex is healthy and good for the relationship, if your not happy stop wasting your time and move on. If I had found this out sooner in my life, If I had question my marriage sooner, and found TAM like 20 years ago I wouldnt feel cheated and shortchanged. 

Doesn't matter now, I'm happy!


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

I think the real question is, "Why do people who know they are LD, get with HD people and not think there will be problems down the road?"


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Janky
It may be that the LD person doesn't see sex as a critical part of the relationship. The HD person falls in love and thinks that sex will improve later. 



Janky said:


> I think the real question is, "Why do people who know they are LD, get with HD people and not think there will be problems down the road?"


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Janky said:


> I think the real question is, "Why do people who know they are LD, get with HD people and not think there will be problems down the road?"


Because those will be not their problems! LOL. Those will be problems of HD fools.

PS. I am HD myself...


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## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

luvinhim said:


> I have started initiating and even trying to compromise with 2-3 times a week, just not every day.
> 
> What more can we LDers do.?


There are hundreds of things; I can't list them all. Are you saying that what you are doing is not enough in your marriage?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

have you ever thought that maybe he is so "HD" because he is not getting adequate sex, and therefore thinks about it all the time.

How about try a little experiment. Have hot sex with your HD husband EVERY day he shows any interest. Really blow his sox off.

I am willing to bet that after a few weeks it will settle back to maybe 2 times a week, but he will now have a big **** eating grin on his face every day. The denial of the sex is maybe what is making him crazy horny. If he KNEW he could get it anytime he wants, maybe the late night football game would start to sound more interesting?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

You are both willing to compromise and that is a great thing.

In this type of mismatch, typically the LD person is the gatekeeper of frequency. 

I know there is the argument about making LD do something they don't want to do. But the HD also doesn't want to NOT have sex. I don't really think any one sides needs are more important than the other. 

That is why a compromise or parting ways is really the only way to deal with it, in my opinion. And it took me a year to come to this realization as a HD person.


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