# Considering "Safe Haven" drop off for daughter



## concernedmother (Oct 25, 2009)

Before anyone attacks me, hear me out.
We have a 3 and a 4 yo, and recently (within the last year) we have reason to believe that our 3 yo has a behavioral disorder. It's come to the point where neither I nor my husband can handle her behavior anymore. To give examples, she hurts herself, attempts to hurt others, destroys items in her room (books, toys, the floor, her door) and throw outrageous thrashing tantrums in public. She has been evaluated by our local USD, been seen by 2 certified play therapists, and I have personally tried parenting seminars to help cope with her behavior. As for current displine measures, I completly ignore her behavior (when she wants attention or to be picked up) and I remove all hazards in her room or near her when she throws a tantrum. She currently has no door on her room, no enclosure whatsoever because a babygate didn't keep her in her room, her dresser drawers have been turned around completely so that the back of the dresser is all that is accessable, she also has minimum toys in her room (as reccomended by the play therapist). 

But even though I am fed up with her behavior, my husband is a different story. He literally yells "I hate you" in public to my daughter, calls her a "brat" and just today he told her he was going to break the car window and throw her out if she didn't shut up. He's uncontrollable verbally, however he doesn't abuse her physically (neither do I). 

I feel I should sign away my rights to her because I don't feel that it is fair to her to live in a household that is hazardous to her childhood experience. We are not happy with her, and likewise she is not happy living with us (she is screaming 60% of the time she is in our home). I cannot see our problem getting any better, after all, this is NOT typical toddler tantrums. The older she gets, the more at risk she is from emotional abuse from us, and harming herself, not to mention an increase in physical strength. 

The only two cons that I can see with dropping her off at a hospital is 1) Always wondering if she was magically cured and if things would be different had I not given her away
and 2) possibly instilling insecurities in our other daughter (like "if i act bad mommy will give me away too") Which btw, our other daughter (the 4 year old) is amazing, she is very well behaved, intelligent, and socially acceptable. 

What should I do?
How do I handle my husband's rage?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I often feel I can't handle my kids' behavior. The 4 year old is very easy-going, charming, and never cries. The 7 year old still throws tantrum when something doesn't go his way. He kicks, throw things, and is very picky about everything. When he was young, he had delayed speech and I discovered many free programs offered by our county for special needs kids. Once you find the right childcare or preschool, things become much, much easier. As far as discipline, what works best for our troubled son is natural consquences for his actions. If he throws something, make him pick it up, and say sorry, and explain why he threw it. My husband likes to use the "cooling off period", where he is isolated in his room to calm down. During the times he is not acting up, we give him lots of love and affection. 

Also, there may be some sibling rivalry going on. If one child is getting more attention, it is natural for the other to get jealous and act up to get some attention, even if it's negative. I remember my oldest pushing his little brother down whenever he tried to learn to walk. They still fight, but mostly get along great now.

I also work at one of those "Safe Haven" sites, and I can't imagine a mother ever wanting to give up on their child. To me, it would be worse then cutting off my limbs. My kids are a huge part of me. There are many resources available to parents and children. Hang in there and good luck.


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## Round2 (Oct 18, 2009)

So what was the result of all the therapies and evaluations? 
What was the diagnosis?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

concernedmother said:


> 1) Always wondering if she was magically cured and if things would be different had I not given her away?


This is a very real possibility. Your daughter sounds very similar to my youngest son. He is 16 now, and very mild-mannered, sweet and smart (taking calculus this year). No magic cure, I will elaborate below.


concernedmother said:


> 2) possibly instilling insecurities in our other daughter (like "if i act bad mommy will give me away too") Which btw, our other daughter (the 4 year old) is amazing, she is very well behaved, intelligent, and socially acceptable.


Also a very real concern.



concernedmother said:


> He literally yells "I hate you" in public to my daughter, calls her a "brat" and just today he told her he was going to break the car window and throw her out if she didn't shut up. He's uncontrollable verbally, however he doesn't abuse her physically ...
> How do I handle my husband's rage?


My ex was very impatient with my son and also reacted very immaturely. THIS IS MAKING YOUR SITUATION SOOOO MUCH WORSE! He could benefit from parenting seminars. He seems to be self-centered and unable to be sympathetic to his young daughter who is clearly struggling emotionally.

My son from age 2 -5

daily meltdowns
hurt himself
hurt others
destructive behavior
did not sit in 'time out'
difficult to put to bed
melt-downs while shopping, haircuts, dr./dentist appts

I had both the Dr. and dentist bring me into their 'special room' to discuss my son's abnormal behavior (biting nurses, running from the room, etc.) He threw a rage at Wal-Mart once, starting hitting his own face until he was a bloody mess...had to leave, put him in his car seat and drive home...all the way thinking anyone that looks over at my car will be calling 911 or dcfs...he was fine physically but I was at the end of my rope many times, believe me! He was my biggest challenge in life 

I did not have him formally evaluated, but screening in the Dr. office did not indicate any autism (he could sit and focus on puzzles, games, etc.) I worked full-time and had a nanny in my home that was really good with him. We were a team and talked daily about flare-ups, discipline, etc. She was pretty firm with him (never physically just her tone of voice), no nonsense but also gave him a lot of 1 on 1 attention so he had more good days than bad.

I think my ex's lack of patience made things worse and he felt his dad did not love him (I believe he still has those feelings.)

When he was 4 I was going through a divorce and needed to put him in full-time daycare, which seemed impossible. There was a place a block from my work and I discussed his behavior with them in advance. His first day, he threw a chair at the teacher and refused to sit in circle time. They reassured me they wanted to keep working with him and give it time...after a few days he stayed calm, but still would hide in the playhouse during circle time...after a few weeks he joined circle time...from that point forward, he never had an incident and was quiet and well-behaved, made some friends and liked to go.
This daycare was a real blessing. He still had the same melt-downs at home, but I was relieved that he could refrain from them outside of the home and thrive. This was a critical step for us as the public school system is not equipped to handle extreme behavioral issues. I was shocked at first, but from kindergarten to this day the teachers' comments have all been how sweet and well-behaved he is in school (again, home was still another story!)

I found the book, The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene very helpful. I would encourage you to pick it up as it turned out to be a great resource for me. (the most helpful was learning not to sweat the small stuff, choose your battles in order to reduce the number of melt-downs so they are not the norm) I also used '1-2-3- Magic' to help with discipline ideas.

At home, I tried techniques from the above books and while progress was slow and required a lot of patience, it did get better over time. The difficulty for me was parenting his older brother and baby sister and dealing with issues of 'fairness'. "Why does he get ice cream for breakfast?" "Ummm, cuz I'm saving my discipline for when he bops you in the head later!" ... yep, that part is a balancing act. He clearly needed something different than my usual parenting style. In my situation, reducing the melt-downs led to more 'normal' time & more time to show him love and attention.

It is clear you are at the end of your rope, and believe me, I get it. Please don't give up on her yet. It doesn't have to be a magical cure you may just need to find resources not yet exhausted. Yes, it takes an extreme amount of patience and love and does not seem fair to you, your other child, your marriage, but your daughter is worth it. You may try something new that gives you the hope that she will be okay and enable you to keep working and moving forward with her.

Good luck.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

From what you wrote, sounds like you need to drop them off
so they will get what they need as your not able to provide it for them.
It will be much more humane than to carry on as is.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Among other things, you might want to look into the legalitiles of the Safe Haven program. I could be wrong, but I believe it applies to INFANTS ONLY(in some states up to 7 days old, in others up to 60 days)...meaning, a three year old, would not qualify. 

Considering the VERBAL abuse your 3 year old daughter is recieving, I would venture to say that her behavior has and will worsen the longer that continues. Your husband, needs to get his rage in control, or he needs to leave. I would also be curious to know the results of the testing that has been done on your daughter.
You say that you are unhappy having your daughter in the house. You ARE aware that kids don't come with a money back guarantee, right? You've not even mentioned the HORRIBLE abandonment issues SHE would live with for the rest of her life if you get rid of her like some puppy that chewed up your furniture. You think she has rage NOW?? 
It honestly sounds like your husband is more of a problem than a solution, and if it was me, i'd be finding a place to drop HIM off at, and talking to every available agency, doctor and alternative doctor to figure out how to help YOUR daughter.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I mean, by societal standards it just appeared to be a spoiled child. If that's the case, why would the sibling not have had any of those symptoms under the same authority.


This can be difficult...I do remember the stares with the 'That mom needs to control her kid' look...It is not an easy road, but very rewarding to see him now.


mommy22 said:


> In my case, I was able to keep control despite my anger and confusion. I would tell him that I needed to go cool off for a few minutes and I told him he had to do the same thing.


I wish I had a backup, but I did need to give myself a time-out sometimes....walk into another room and bang my head against the wall... :banghead:

My mom passed away when I was 7 months pregnant with him. One piece of advice that I remembered was that kids are all different and need different parenting (she had 5)...she was so right with that. He was never a cuddly baby/kid...I remember feeding him and it was like holding a 2x4...this long stiff board...and still is the same way....he turned sixteen on Friday and I told him I would give him sixteen kisses...and chased him around the house....made him laugh and smile but no kisses in the end!


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## blue_eyed_angel (Nov 12, 2009)

First of all I just want to say I'm sorry your family is in such turmoil. I have three children and my two boys are now 16 and soon to be 18. When they were small my oldest was very quiet and timid and we could literally take him anywhere as a toddler, even out to dinner and he would sit and watch other diners as long as it took for us to finish out dinner, no fuss. My other son, was another story! I couldn't leave him with anyone, not even grandma, he would throw himself on the floor and go around in cirlces, screaming and kicking, crying for mom. He never slept in a crib alone, we always had to sleep together. Needless to say we didn't go to a restaurant until he was almost 6 years old. This is also the boy who was sexually assualted by a male cousin and spent 3 years in therapy by the time he was 12, and he still turned out to be a great kid.

Fast forward, to the teenage years, my oldest who was always quiet and sweet, the good student, at 15 turned into a violent, angry teenage boy, hurting his brother and sister to the point he went to live with his biological father for a year and a half. The naughty toddler who was clingy and cranky, turned out to be sweetest, laid back teenage boy. My point is that you just don't know how they will be when they are older, and I think someone mentioned different parenting styles, this is very true!

Something I learned about my middle son is that he needs to be very structured at all times, even at his age. He has always been this way, needing to know what is happening and when. This is something I didn't realize when he was very small, and I think back that he was probably on overload because I wasn't the best about schedules! To this day, if we say we are leaving at a certain time, we need to leave at that time!

As far as your husband is concerned? I was married the first time to a man like your husband, and the childrens dad yelled a lot at the boys when they were growing up and it isn't healthy. To this day, they have a lot of anger just like their dad since we didn't divorce until they were preschoolers. 

Before you decide to give up your child, please try to find out if a different parenting style would work for your little one. I realize that your other child is "easier" and sometimes that is the case, one is easier to parent than the other, but it is your child. Your husband is only making the situation worse, and he needs to stop it. I realize that he is frustrated, maybe the two of you can get some counseling to deal with the situation as a couple if this would be a possibility.

I wish you and your child the best.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

would love to talk to you and provide insite...we also have some issues with one of our daughters...i promise you, it can be better!!!


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

In my opinion, I think you're trying to take the easy way out by dumping her off somewhere, your husband needs to get his act together and act like an adult instead of a child, his verbal abuse to this child isnt helping then situation at all. Maybe hes the one you should dump off somewhere..


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I am having a very hard time with my 4 year old son also. No parenting style we have tried has worked. At 2 yrs old he had a behavior therapyst come to our house twice a month and it didn't work. He also had speech therapy once a week. At 3 yrs old he was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. He has many many sensory intergration issues as well. He does not understand how to interact with other kids and adults. He throws lots and lots of fits everyday along with lots of whimpering crying rolling around on the floor that if not stopped can end up in a rage fit.

I have no energy because he takes so much care. I'm sure you may feel the same way.

It sounds like your daughter is a special needs child. Have you taken her to see a child sychologist? I had to take my son to one when he was 3. It took about 3 months for the full diagnosis. Without the diagnosis though the school district would not listen to me. He is on a IEP program in preschool for 3/4 year olds. I would check with your school to see what they offer. the school district is required to give your child service.

Also try to find out what calms your daughter down and what sets her off. My child loves to be tickled, he is sensory seeking constantly is what therapist have told me. 

My son doesn't like to be in a crowded area, he will get over whelmed. he also needs a very strict schedule. 

If you need advice you are welcome to contact me.

Blue skies mom to girl 8, boy 4 and girl 18 mths


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