# Guys - Would you date someone if . .



## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

. . . the woman has a chronic health condition.

In this case MS.

Would you consider a relationship with someone currently has their good days but has some really crappy days too and knowing that ultimately things will get worse, not better.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This is a hypothetical question that most wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. One could assume that for you, it is very personal and real.

If the question is with regards to starting a romantic relationship from scratch...from the very first hello...honestly, probably not.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It is not a hypothetical question. I know one who has faced the same question. The health concern was something that would put the individual in a institution before long. This person did not pursue the relationship as a result. It is a hard question to answer. It is hard on both. You, one day, will lose your significant other to something they can not control. The person with the illness is in a catch 22 and will spend their lives in short lived relationships as a result of their ailment. 

But, you can look at this way. We pursue, date and marry. We do not really think that one day this person might be diagnosed with cancer or Alzheimer's. It can happen to anyone of us yet we fall in love and care for our partner no matter what. The only difference here is you know what is coming down the pike. Are you willing to stay the course when MS takes over your partner?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I have MS, my spouse is not going anywhere anytime soon.

MS does not define me, I am not the sum of my disability. My disability is my ability.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the right person will. That's the catch, isn't it?

In the case of someone with chronic health condition gets out and meets people, they are more likely to find someone who is suited for them.

One of my aunts had MS. She married later in life. She met Uncle Joe at a support group for people with disabilities. They were badly in love. They took care of each other till the day he died.

Now that's not to say that in your case you have to look for someone with similar issues as yours. I'm just saying that getting out and meeting people is the best way to find a good match.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> It is not a hypothetical question. I know one who has faced the same question. The health concern was something that would put the individual in a institution before long. This person did not pursue the relationship as a result. It is a hard question to answer. It is hard on both. You, one day, will lose your significant other to something they can not control. The person with the illness is in a catch 22 and will spend their lives in short lived relationships as a result of their ailment.
> 
> But, you can look at this way. We pursue, date and marry. We do not really think that one day this person might be diagnosed with cancer or Alzheimer's. It can happen to anyone of us yet we fall in love and care for our partner no matter what. The only difference here is you know what is coming down the pike. Are you willing to stay the course when MS takes over your partner?


It is hypothetical for anyone who has not actually personally faced the situation.

There is also a huge difference between entering into a new relationship with an existing condition as opposed to having the condition pop up in an already established relationship. Most people accept things like that as an inevitable part of a lifelong partnership, and as cold and heartless as it may sound, the deeper relationship that was developed during the healthy times is often what carries the couple through the extremely difficult times.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> It is hypothetical for anyone who has not actually personally faced the situation.
> 
> There is also a huge difference between entering into a new relationship with an existing condition as opposed to having the condition pop up in an already established relationship. Most people accept things like that as an inevitable part of a lifelong partnership, and as cold and heartless as it may sound, the deeper relationship that was developed during the healthy times is often what carries the couple through the extremely difficult times.


Agreed.

I think that many can get past the known illness and go on living a life with said individual. It certainly is not for everyone. It is a commitment like any but with a bunch of 'what if's'.


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Thanks for the responses. It really valuable to hear different perspectives.

MS is a tough one in terms of trying to explain prognosis to someone because it's near impossible to predict how thing will progress. I can go for long periods of time with no symptoms, long as in many months. Then I have have weeks or months where the symptoms recur. Sometimes mild, other times more severe (like extreme fatigue, loss of balance and problems with eye sight). It could be that the condition progresses very slowly and never becomes a major issue or it could progress fast and become burdensome.

I wouldn't blame a guy for backing away from that, it's understandable, and pretty much what I'm expecting.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If she captured my heart? I couldn't resist. Even if the trail would be hard and not long. I have learned to drink the bitter with the sweet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If she captured my heart? I couldn't resist. Even if the trail would be hard and not long. I have learned to drink the bitter with the sweet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



As I stated, some will and do accept!

My MIL was burned badly(3rd degree) when she was a child. But, her H was able to see around the scars 3rd degree burns produce(neck, arm and lost a breast as a result). Married, 3 children and cared for her.

If she captured my heart.....that says it all.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CantePe said:


> I have MS, my spouse is not going anywhere anytime soon.
> 
> MS does not define me, I am not the sum of my disability. My disability is my ability.


Or, as is commonly said, "I have MS, but MS doesn't have me."

To answer your question, OP...

It depends on the person. Generally speaking, MS (or any condition, really) doesn't make a good person into a crappy person, and it sure as Hell won't make a crappy person into a good person.

It would also depend on how well she (I am a guy, after all) managed the condition. As I'm sure you're aware (and, as is similar w/ most conditions), MS more or less requires a balance of diet, activity, medication, and rest. Climate comes into play as well, though to a lesser degree.

Mrs. Gus has MS, by the way. _But it doesn't have her._

*I DO.*


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm a woman, but I've been in this situation. After my divorce, I dated a man who had MS. He didn't tell me for a while, and it was a huge "confession" when he told me, because of what your fears are, too, I assume.

For me, it certainly was not a deal breaker, but his physical limitations/ability to be fully involved in my lifestyle with my active kids (who he never met), was one of the factors in considering the realtionahip. It definitely is different when you start dating someone with an illness as opposed to your partner developing one during a marriage. 

Honestly, the bigger issue for me was another "confession." He told me that his 3 year relationship prior to me had been with his 22 year old "good friend." He was 47 when he told me this.....so he was maybe 43/44 when it started, and she was 19? And, she was his employee. I just could not deal with that, what I perceived to be a complete lack of judgment, especially because he had a VERY hard time getting over her. And she had a tiny perfect little body, and I have had two c-sections! I just couldn't imagine always having to be compared to her.

He also had never been married, and that's a red flag to me, too, especially since he was really feminine. (Honestly, I thought his confession about the 22 year old was going to be about having a homosexual relationship because he never referred to that person by "she.")

He had some amazing traits, though. He's still the kindest man I've ever met, an amazing artist, music lover, and absolutely extraordinary at communication. I think so fondly of him and hope he's happy.


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Interesting that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for some. I was sort of expecting lots of 'h*ll no's" or the sound of crickets!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My wife has a friend with MS. With her personality, Yes, I'd date long enough to find out. Definitely worth a try. 
On the other hand My neighbor has two sons with Autism. I would think a lot longer on that one. But she did remarry, and I respect the man for it.
MN


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think true love looks well past such things. I know a person with a terminal illness and she found a guy who fell hard for her.


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Thank you for the answers, there are some very kind hearted souls on here,


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

MS typically causes a steady loss of fine motor control, leading to partial or complete incompacitation. Most are confined to a bed or wheelchair, many face an early death. Perhaps more importantly, many also deal with loss of bladder control and incontinance. There is no way in hell I'd date someone with that sort of future waiting for them. I've worked hard my entire life, to get where I now am. Why would I get involved with a woman knowing that one day I'd be pushing her around in a wheelchair and changing her adult diapers?

No thanks


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Shasta said:


> MS typically causes a steady loss of fine motor control, leading to partial or complete incompacitation. Most are confined to a bed or wheelchair, many face an early death. Perhaps more importantly, many also deal with loss of bladder control and incontinance. There is no way in hell I'd date someone with that sort of future waiting for them. I've worked hard my entire life, to get where I now am. Why would I get involved with a woman knowing that one day I'd be pushing her around in a wheelchair and changing her adult diapers?
> 
> No thanks


Fair enough Shasta, I actually expected that sort of response from a lot more people and unfortunately it probably sums up any dating future I may have. 

Is tough going from being someone who probably would have been considered quite a good catch to someone who, for the majority, wouldn't even be considered an option.

Looks like a trip to the shelter to buy some cats is in order this weekend :grin2:


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

Pets will love you no matter what.

Especially dogs.


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Shasta said:


> Pets will love you no matter what.
> 
> Especially dogs.


Very true!


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

Dogs define the meaning of "unconditional love".

People- not so much.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LivingAndLearning,

As you might notice, Shasta has been banned. He's a guy who keeps coming here to troll.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I couldn't. I have enough trouble taking care of myself.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> LivingAndLearning,
> 
> As you might notice, Shasta has been banned. He's a guy who keeps coming here to troll.


Thank God. She was too nice to Shasta! Shows what superior character she has .


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LivingAndLearning said:


> Fair enough Shasta, I actually expected that sort of response from a lot more people and unfortunately it probably sums up any dating future I may have.
> 
> Is tough going from being someone who probably would have been considered quite a good catch to someone who, for the majority, wouldn't even be considered an option.
> 
> Looks like a trip to the shelter to buy some cats is in order this weekend :grin2:


Please don't go down this path.. I can't imagine how hurtful that comment would be to you... or how difficult it was to hear of this diagnosis...coming to terms with it.. 

I asked my H days ago when I seen this thread.. how he would feel... he said he couldn't answer that for sure.. then added.. "you know me.. I like to be helpful" (or maybe he said "Needed")... something to that Effect.. My husband's temperament is the same as Mother Teresa's.. so there is a little bit of advice.. find a good hearted ISFJ  male.

I don't feel that all people could handle this diagnosis though...I've seen 2 marriages break down over it.. but also 2 success stories...

An old friend of mine from church... we used to talk on the phone all the time... she was diagnosed pretty young with her 2nd child... her husband has been AMAZING... always by her side.. he built her a new house (he literally BUILT IT -himself) with all the comforts to make her life easier.... There are some wonderful giving caring people out there who will see the whole person,.. and not the diagnosis..

And another couple we knew.. the husband was diagnosed... and his wife was there taking care of him till the very end. He was very angry about it at 1st...not so easy to live with....but she had a vivacious spirit that over looked all that, loved him through it...she was always a very UPBeat person...I am sure she had bad days... but you'd never know .... 

I have a very touching story to share... it's not MS...but it's one of amazing Love.. 

My Mother used to work for this couple...her husband was wounded terribly in WAR.. he lost both arms & both legs.... I remember this man (I was about 5 or 6 yrs old)..I was horrified to see this...it's something I will never forget.. even at that young age, I thought of what they were missing in life.. 

I asked my Mom not long ago about that couple again, how the wife handled this as I assumed it happened AFTER they were married.. ... I was holding back tears with her answer.... but I guess when he came BACK from war, they were NOT YET MARRIED... he was told by the doctors he would eventually loose his arms & legs.. it was only a matter of TIME....

He was very ANGRY... he wished he was left on the battlefield.... he did everything he could to get HER to LEAVE Him, he treated her badly...he didn't want her to waste her life on him...and one day she looked him in the eyes, and told him she KNEW EXACTLY what HE WAS DOING...spoke his name and said she wasn't going anywhere.. so he better get used to it...she loved him. ...she wanted to marry him.. and that was that....she held strong.... they did have a couple kids before he lost his limbs.. but I guess she was HAPPY.... and she didn't appear to look back, or have regrets. 

So no matter what you may hear... Love can still find a way... if you meet the right person.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

I would, but my reasoning is probably a little bit apart from others. Having some AI problems myself, I understand it. MS is not necessarily a prognosis for death, and long term disability. MS can be, but it doesn't have to be. If you aren't familiar with the work of Dr. Stratton and Dr. Wheldon -- become familiar with it. I've seen it reverse course on even straight progressive MS where everything else had failed. I've known enough people with the disease to know its not always predictable though. I live under the shadow of death myself; although from a different AI. Death's shadow hasn't come knocking aggressively very often (a few times in the early 2000's, and more recently in 2013). Still here, happy enough, still making retirement plans, and still getting done what needs to in spite of having to make adjustments for it. Its a pretty rare client that even notices I am sick unless I'm in an exceptionally bad period. I do admit to a certain amount of hiding it at a personal level, and at a professional level its largely a necessity. However, anyone I was interested in - they would know fairly early on. Its not worth 2 dates without mentioning it. If they are going to run, so be it, at least they do so when its far cheaper to me. 

Things wax and wane. The one thing you can't get away from though, is that it will place strains and sometimes constraints on any relationship you have. There will be days you or they may not consider those strains and constraints fair. If the rules suddenly change, people can end up a little resentful about it. I guarantee you it was a factor in the events leading to my divorce, although more the rules suddenly changing than the disease itself. People have their hopes and dreams tied up with you, and if you do end up too sick to act upon all of them they may not be as willing to stick it out as they initially were. I don't know any fool proof tool for working out that part of the equation. I don't think past experiences are necessarily the best predictor either.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I'll be honest. I will not date/marry someone if they have a deadly condition.
If my wife/gf gets a condition after we are involved, I will stick by her.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

LivingAndLearning said:


> . . . the woman has a chronic health condition.
> 
> In this case MS.
> 
> Would you consider a relationship with someone currently has their good days but has some really crappy days too and knowing that ultimately things will get worse, not better.


I think a condition like this reveals the true nature of someone's character. It's easy to love someone who is young, fit, and beautiful. At this point in my life (staring down 40) physical attributes would not be the first criteria to someone if I had to date again.

To answer your question, yes I would consider a relationship with someone in that chronic condition. My only exception is if they were already too far gone and just looking for a care-giver. If I don't already have a relationship with someone then I am not going to want to sacrifice for that person. However, if my wife of 16 years turned up with ALS today I would be with her until the end.


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## StatFrost (Feb 1, 2014)

I did & I married her. it was MD and not MS.

In memory of Betsy O. Fenti

she been gone now for 13 years. I have been a learker here for a while but this thread motivated me


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

To those of you who are living with similar health issues or who have stuck by a partner who is sick, thank you for being an inspiration. The world would be a better place with more people like you.

StatFrost, so very sorry that you lost your wife. She was extremely lucky to have such an understanding husband. If an when you ever decide to date again I have no doubt there will be plenty of lovely ladies who would appreciate a man of your character.

I'm fortunate for now in the sense that I'm no where close to needing someone to care for me. With some luck things will never progress that far but it's a gamble. I just don't know. I do have some limitations though in the sense that I get tired way more easily than most people my age and cannot do some of the more challenging physical activities that I used to enjoy. I just look at it from the perspective that we all have have constraints that we have to work around in life and this is just another one of these limitations. 

In some ways these health problem have made me realize that life is short and you really do have to cease the moment while you can. After almost 20 year of climbing the corporate ladder this has given me the motivation to strike out on my own and start a business. The fatigue and physical limitations do make that a little more challenging that it would have been a few years ago but anyone can make excuses so I've decided not to use this as an excuse and plough on ahead.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LivingAndLearning said:


> Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
> 
> To those of you who are living with similar health issues or who have stuck by a partner who is sick, thank you for being an inspiration. The world would be a better place with more people like you.
> 
> ...


You sound like a lovely person . One of my favorite "Facebook friends" (friend from childhood who I haven't seen in a long time) suffers from MS and is one of the most vibrant and hilarious women I know. I don't know if her dx was pre-marriage or post, but it doesn't sound to me like it would really matter (great marriage).


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

No experience with MS, but my wife has a litany of diagnoses, some chronic and permanent. Thank G-d for health insurance. I can't say I've handled everything perfectly, at times it has strained us. But if you keep meeting people, eventually you'll find someone who will give you a chance. There *are* married people with MS.


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## denise815 (Aug 8, 2012)

Greetings Everyone....This is my first posting.....I must tell you what i learned about ms. I have a relatve that was diagnosed with this....It is not what you might think.......Her doctor stated that some people diagnosed...do not even take meds..Some people do not show or have symptoms....Medication...now is doing wonders....that is so amazing......not like it was years ago.......unfortunately with this desease he says. You should not tell people....because when you do.....they.....already are prejudging you......deciding. your destiny........Oh and work......can you imagine what people would say or do.........on the job.......So my aunt decides....not to tell people....because...do people vocally really dicuss other illnesses. That they have on the job............I am personally on job...... She is married she does not have to worry about that........So remember...MS medication
. has come a long ways.........


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Thank again everyone, remaining hopeful!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My GF has a debilitating back injury - it is not degenerative, but it is permanent (she still hopes to partially recover even more, but it will always present certain physical limitations). Early on in our relationship I was somewhat concerned that her limitations would limit me too - I am somewhat physical (not nearly as much as I want to be, my job is too sedentary and I don't have many adventurous friends). But then after some thought and reflection I came to recognize that she is my romantic partner, and doesn't have to be my sole partner for every thing in life, I can easily meet my own health and fitness needs without having to worry about crossing any kinds of relationship boundaries. And as for physical/sexual activities with her, her condition requires doing things certain ways but it's never felt like a limitation at all, we are still very active and physical and have tremendous pleasure with each other.

If something happened to either of us that prevented our relationship needs from being able to be met, well we would figure out a mutually respectful solution and hopefully continue to meet the needs that we can and maintain our companionship and partnership, if possible.

Her injury has never made her any less attractive to me.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I have a chronic health condition and mobility issues due to an accident. I have a ton of bad days. But, I don't date. 

If I were a younger person, no, I would not but as we age, we all have something: diabetes, heart conditions, crappy kids...., as we age, we "tolerate" more "problems", if you will. Everyone has something.

If you have MS, you are most likely in an on-line support group. A lot of young MS'ers are getting married and having children. Are their new spouses nieve? I don't know. Attitude has everything to do with who they fall in love with. We all overlook tons of potential problems for love. I would rather date a man with MS than an alcoholic. I would rather date a man with MS than an abusive man.....

I think men have a harder time (usually) being caregivers than women. 

I would not let MS stop me from dating if I wanted to date but in honestly, I would not want to date someone with MS. 

UNLESS, they were awesome and captured my heart.


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## denise815 (Aug 8, 2012)

I loved that post......You Fe awesome!!!!!!!!!


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