# Seconding Guessing Having Kids...



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm a man in his early 30's. I have always wanted to be a father. In fact for years I've had a desire to have both natural and adopted children.

I have a wonderful marriage with my soulmate, a woman I have been deeply, and madly in love with since I was 19 years old, and best friends with since since the 10th grade. She likewise wants children.

Recently two developments have happened simultaneously; we hit a particularly wonderful "sweet spot" in our relationship, and we're more connected, and in love, than ever. Also I've been spending a good deal of time here on TAM and have been reading people's issues with children, and the effects that has on marriage.

I've suddenly been feeling very territorial over my wife, and our time together. Right now we live pretty free and independent lives. We come, and go, as we please, whether together, or apart. We have passionate, and frequent, sex. I feel incredibly bonded to her. We adore being married.

I've been thinking about what a child might do to alter that dynamic, and wondering if it's really worth it to find out (I have discussed this with my wife). I have nieces and nephews, and have seen first hand how glorious the presence of children have been to my loved one's lives, but also notice in real life, and here on TAM, the sacrifices it can potentially cost, including the marriage. I see some people's marriages becoming about the kids, see couples drifting apart, see sex lives dying by the roadside. I've never been afraid of this before, but suddenly find myself gripped with concern.

I don't want to lose my wife. I don't want us to lose one another, not even for the sake of a child.

I truly hope this is a passing aversion. Like I said above, fatherhood has always been important to me, so these feelings are totally brand new, and a little terrifying to me.

Did anybody else face this crisis? If so, how did you resolve it?


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

I had similar worries. In my case it's a little worse since we're both young and have only been married for a year. 

We both want children and want to be young parents. Though the condition my wife has means it cant be tough to get pregnant (her sister, who suffers from the same condition had to try for 5 years) so it's also another factor in our decision to try. 

I don't worry about the effect it will have on our relationship, as we're prepared for the changes and can't wait for some of the benifits it will bring (surely bringing a life into this world together bring two people even closer?). But part of me does wonder if I'll end up regretting giving up the freedom and fun that comes without a child.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I think its important to think about the rewards of having children. It's true that kids can wreak havoc on even the closest of couples, especially if its twins! lol. 

But they are a product of us - they are fun to talk to, to watch, to listen to, to play with, to wake up to, to tuck into to bed, to snuggle with, to watch grow, to see smile, laugh.. they want you to teach them, you're their bright shiny star in the corner of a dark room.. to hug them, comfort them, and the list of rewards for a parent are endless, it is for me anyway.

And children do grow up and you do regain some control again .


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Since you are aware of the possible changes, you won't be oblivious to the effects of kids on marriage. My H and I were commenting how boring our lives would be if we chose not have kids (and dogs!) They have kept us young (we were a bit older when we had kids).

We work every day on keeping our relationship strong and connected. It wasn't always this way, but once we became aware of the disconnect that life brought to our marriage, we now work to keep us strong. Image how wonderful life would be with a strong marriage AND kids! Life is good.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I don't think it eats every marriage and destroys that wonderful bond you are describing, I think a lot of times people post here because they're desperate for help. I'm sure if you surveyed many of them they'd say they're happy they have their kids. 

My husband and I are newly married and he's described the same feelings as you- not wanting another person to take time away from us (meaning take me away from him ) but I'm only 24 so we have time before starting a family. It sounds like you guys are at a sweet spot in your marriage where a kid wouldn't rattle your relationship and cause damage like it might in other situations. Plus, like mentioned, they do grow up and leave (we hope). 

If you don't feel ready, wait a little longer. Enjoy your more relaxed life and schedule and do what you want with your wife- travel, get a hobby, have sex all over the house, whatever. 

But honestly, I love my husband so much, and I dream of the day when I get to see him holding our first child. I know he will be such an incredible father and that that will make me love him that much more.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, kids can wreak havoc on a couple's relationship. So can money, sex, in-laws, job changes, weight gain, self-esteem issues, medical problems, depression, religion, and toilet seats. 

You can't avoid everything that might be a challenge in your relationship. Consider the life experience you want to have - you only go around once. Do you want to give up on being a parent and having that life experience because of fear, risk, and what _might _happen?

Life, and a good marriage, isn't about avoiding risk. It's about how you handle it to have the kind of life you want to live.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

norajane said:


> Yes, kids can wreak havoc on a couple's relationship. So can money, sex, in-laws, job changes, weight gain, self-esteem issues, medical problems, depression, religion, and toilet seats.
> 
> You can't avoid everything that might be a challenge in your relationship.


Oh I definitely don't want to leave the impression that we've not faced almost all of that, and then some. We've not exactly been floating on a cloud LOL! We've been together for 12 years, and best friends for 18 years. This woman has walked with me through the darkest valleys, including the loss of my mother, father, and oldest brother, all in less than five years. We survived despite spending over half our relationship living hundreds of miles apart. We've been to hell, and back, and have been better for it.

I suppose that is why this is all baffling me so much, because our relationship has endured a ton of change, shifts, and obstacles, and only continues to come out stronger. And again, I have always wanted to be a dad. I wanted to be a dad even when I was a kid. My wife actually was the johnny-come-lately to wanting kids.

Perhaps I'm just going through a short phase where I'm extra in love with her, and just am feeling selfish and territorial. She think it'll pass, and I'm inclined to believe her.

Just wanted to see if anyone else had gone over this bump before.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Your post really resounds with me. My H and I are in the same place as you and your W, except that I've never wanted children so actually it's not a real dilemma for me. But it's something I've had to think about because, especially where we live, it's just expected that within a year or two of getting married, you'll have children. We've been married longer than the magic 2 years so we have gotten a lot of questions and so we have to explain ourselves all the time. 

When people ask why we don't have children, I actually cite the reason you are worried about. I say "my relationship with H is just exactly the way I'd like it to be, and to stay. We spend ALL our non-work time together and do lots of very spontaneous things. I don't see any reason to change that." (And I really don't. We traveled for 2 months non-stop this summer because we could. There is no way in the world that a trip like that, the way we did it, could have happened with a child.) 

So while I think I understand you, I am coming at it from the opposite direction of not having ever really wanted to be a mother. My H has always said that it was up to me, since I'm the woman, but he would be happy either way. I have pressed him on it a LOT to make sure he really means that, and I am convinced that he does. But we get a lot of questions and raised eyebrows from people who think that the purpose of marriage is to have children (a very sad way of thinking, in my opinion).

If you LOVE your marriage the way it is, and a big part of that is things that you wouldn't be able to do with children, is there a good reason to change that? That's what I'd be asking myself if I were you. In my case, I don't see a compelling reason to reduce the time we spend together (exclusively) and our ability to do so many things that we love (spontaneously), and just our overall lifestyle which is very laid back and would have to change dramatically if there were children. I'm happy to be an aunt, cousin, trusted adult friend to friends children. We're both teachers so we get more than enough exposure to children anyway, plus no one can accuse us of being "selfish" LOL!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband and I love being childfree so much that we are keeping it that way. He has had a vasectomy. 

My SIL says that perhaps I will want a child when I am 35. If I was having children, I would not wait that long because of the birth defect risks. She doesn't know about the vasectomy.

If you want to have children, I think you have to be prepared for the challenges parenting will bring for your romantic relationship. Those who want a family feel that the sacrifices are worth it. Only you can decide if you feel the same way. We certainly enjoy our unlimited freedom and very neat home, along with our piece and quiet. 

Just remember that when you don't have kids, you can change that situation if there are no fertility difficulties. When you have children, you will never be able to go back to not having them. Kids can sense resentment; my mother had four children and she was very unhappy and angry all the time because of all the work and sacrifices. I'd be lying if I said that my childhood did not heavily influence my decision to be childfree.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Jaquen - I understand this but the way i see it my love for my h only increased after we had children.

We've got 3 boys (26, 16, 14) and they make our lives fun/crazy and expensive and busy and I wouldn't change anything for...anything! 

I'm sure love is the only thing that increases the more you give it away (in a healthy relationship)


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Jaquen, full disclosure 1st - my W already had 2 kids when we met, so I can't address your original question. But you've expressed that you want to be a father. Want to have children. 

Are you a glass half full or glass half empty kinda person? You can decide to wait, worrying about the "hard" or "bad" things that MIGHT happen. Or you can dive in anticipating all the really great things that will happen.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Half full. Always.


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## lifesabeach (Feb 25, 2012)

As long as you are both on the same page as far as family time vs H & W time, then you should be fine. My W and I didn't have a plan and disconnected for a while. We finally got it together and are very happy right now.

IMO tell her what your concerns are and make sure that you always have 1-2 hours (besides at bedtime) to connect with each other alone. And not just for sex  Conversation is always important


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## SuddenlyLost (Sep 3, 2012)

So, yes... children are a big change in a marriage. But, I have two and wouldn't change that for the world. My children are the two most important people in my life. I don't think it is right to have children if you are having problems in your marriage because it isn't a way to fix a failing relationship. However, in your case you have a great relationship (closer than ever). You are in the perfect time in your relationship to have kids. I say go for it while you are still young - Much older and you aren't going to have the energy to chase after them all day.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Communication is the key to overcoming problems in a marriage. If you detect that your wife is putting too much energy into being a mother and neglecting being a wife, nip that in the bud by discussing the issue. Many wives do not even realize that they are doing this, and husbands feel guilty bringing it up. Talk about it and find solutions together.

I found that I fell even more deeply in love with my husband when I saw what a good father he was. He was so tender and playful with our babies, and it was a wonderful feeling knowing that we both had created a new life and family together.

We did have to figure out discipline styles, but like all the other challenges of married life, we worked together as a team.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

All of you are giving me such wonderful insight, and advice.

I can not thank you enough. This information is like gold to me right now.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

just remember, once they are here... thats it there is no going back.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Its funny. I was worried about not doing this that I love once I had kids. We still travel the world, but just differently and I would not change seeing the world through my kids eyes. I was also worried about being stuck eating kid food and never going out to nice foodie restaurants. I have two foodies that refuse kid food. Yes, other patrons were not thrilled to see us coming, but respectful well behaved kids who love food changed many a mind!

I have been exposed to so many things through my kids that I would never have had the chance to experience. Ballet (never danced a step in my life), Jazz music, geocaching just to name a few. They give you an excuse to be crazy and do things non age appropriate too!


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## lifesabeach (Feb 25, 2012)

The first year is the hardest, because the baby will need your W a lot. But it does get better. If you have family that can babysit, or can pay someone, make sure that you take your W out once a week on a date. Get her out of the house so she doesn't go crazy. We are lucky because my inlaws live 2 houses away from us. They have no problem watching my daughter and now that she is 4 she spends the night there almost every weekend. As long as you keep connected with your W you will be OK


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'd be inclined to say don't do it, and I adore my kids and really love being their mother. I miss my relationship with my husband though. I just miss time, the hours stretching ahead of us with nothing in them but each other. The luxury of being totally dedicated to one person.

Having children has broken me down and built me back up. I'm not the same as I was before. Neither is he, neither are we.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I am 42 and still married to the same wife.
We have a wonderful marriage.
I had that exact feeling the OP had during the first 10 years of our marriage.
So we channelled our energies into each other and building a business.
Today I have some regrets.

Back then I decided since we didn't have children of our own, I would financially support and mentor one of my nephews whose father went AWOL, as my own son.

Today he is doing extremely well academically, and socially. He is a high achiever.
I often look at him and feel to myself,
That could have been my son.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My perspective might be a bit different, I dont know.

We didn't plan our kids. I didnt even think I wanted kids, ever. I told my H that I didnt even want to bring it up until I was at least 30. I wanted to be married for a looong time before even thinking about it, I really wanted to soak up that honeymoon period.

Well, here we are - we've got two preschoolers, 11 months apart. We got PG unexpectedly before we even got engaged, and had two kids back to back within our first year of marraige. That sure changes things.

It's definitely the hardest thing I think either of us have ever done in our lives. It's definitely not romantic or EASY. It challenges each of us as individuals, as a unit, as husband and wife on a daily basis. We are still very much "in the trenches" with little ones that demand our minute-by-minute attention. I don't even know what our marraige would be like without them here. We never had that experience. I can't imagine my life with just H and I. 

It definitely tests us. Yes, there are times when I am extremely jealous of the things that my married friends without children get to do - luxurious trips, saving their money, spontaniety, romance, staying out all night without having to worry about getting home, uninterrupted sleep (!), being able to clean their house and know that it's going to stay clean unless THEY choose to mess it up. 

But there are a lot of things that I know they don't have, either. We have a family. I have two human beings in my life that I would never wish were NOT with me. I often feel like I am part of something a bit more...worldly...than anything that my married friends w/o kids are doing. We are moulding lives, growing people, teaching, nurturing. These two little people teach us more about ourselves than we ever thought possible. Our patience is tested - yes, but so is our capacity to love, and our ability to devote ourselves to something bigger than ourselves and our own selfish interests. Yes, it's hard, but it's inherently rewarding and a chance to test our character. We have both witnessed each others lowest points and also witnessed some pretty amazing things in each other as parents, and that translates into your husband and wife relationship. It's a whole new ballgame. No matter how much you thought you knew your spouse, there are things about being a parent that will show you a side that you never knew was there. Take that for what it's worth - sometimes you'll learn things that you admire them for, sometimes you'll learn things you wished you didn't know.

I can see both sides of the coin. We are friends with quite a few couples who choose not to have children - I respect that. I think the most responsible thing you can do is make that choice and stick to it. A child is certainly not akin to a new pet, or any other material posession you'd acquire just because everyone else has one. I get it though. I understand that there are sacrifices involved to having kids, and that not everyone wants to make those sacrifices. I would not trade my kids for another life though. 

I am surprised that I do not regret having my children. That probably sounds like a horrible thing to say, but they pretty much came at the worst possible timing and tested everything that I thought I knew about myself. I am still shocked when I see these two little people looking at me and calling me mommy. 

I think you make a conscious decision to put your marraige first, no matter what. That's what my H and I have vowed to do. That does not mean we can't tend to our children's immediate needs first, but we make parenting decisions based on what is good for our marraige, too. We schedule regular date nights, we try to set an early bed time so we still have time to be with each other each evening. We go to great lengths to teach our children manners and how to behave in public so that we can easily take them with us to experience things - we don't do white tablecloth dinners with them, but we do take them to adult museums, historical sites, and travel frequently with them. Just because you have children doesnt mean that you have to go to extremes and drop your lifestyle entirely. You just need to learn to find a happy medium...be flexible and tailor your life to make both parties happy. Teach your children to enjoy your interests, put a little more forethought into your trip planning.

One of the nicest surprises for me, having young children, is how they can make even the most mundane activity come alive with excitement. Children find the smallest things fascinating. Places that I thought I could go the rest of my life without visiting again are exciting again, even for me, because my children introduce it to me through a new lens. It's amazing to see the world through a childs eyes, the details that they pick out that you have probably overlooked your entire life, the innocence and purity with which they ask questions and learn how things work. It's more than I could put into words, but that has made it feel a lot less like looking at what we've had to give up, and more like looking at what we've gained. I appreciate the insight my children have taught me, how to be happy with simple things, how to stop and smell the roses a bit more than I did before. My kids have taught me to be content with what I have, and not spend all of my energy looking at where I wish I was going. That's a pretty powerful lesson from two little kids.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

I think it is awesome, .... awesome that you are thinking this through. Yes, that child is going to be a game changer.

In great ways, and not so great ways..

Do not start a family until you are certain you have the means , emotional and financial to welcome a new human into this world


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> That could have been my son.


It sounds like, in all the ways that truly count, he is.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jaquen.... You are in a better position than I would say we was before we started having kids, cause your communication , and expectations of each other are being fully discussed , all this reading on this forum - to help you see the bigger picture.

I wish so bad I could go back in time and was a part of a forum like this to alert me to the sexual aspects of marraige - before we had kids.. but our story had infertility in it, and for a time, I was so one-tract minded, his sperm meant more to me than his pleasure. We both wanted a larger family.... we are Home bodies too, which helps if you want to be a parent. We were never the type to plan luxuries vacations to an island or live a night life, that is not the type of lifestyle that appealed to us, we loved the family oriented things to do and participate in.

Does your wife want the intimacy to remain as much as yourself? So long as you've both talked about these things... 

We wanted kids desperately...not your average reply on here. My husband told me early on, I could have as many as I wanted so long as I took care of them all.....happily the SAHM....never complained or expected him to get up in the middle of the night --I was always high energy though.... It was the desire of my heart as I was an only child, I used to ENVY those with larger families, so I wanted that experience for my life.... to give my children siblings. 

It helps to be frugal -depending on your income....my husband made enough $$ but we are not rich by others standards at all, just blue collar living. 

We adore our half dozen....they bring so much joy into our lives, it is hard to express, when we're driving down the road & "Cats in the cradle" song comes over the radio.....we look at each other and tear up, I end up balling..... because we don't want it to ever end. We LoVE having them at home, they enhance our lives. We enjoy opening our house to their friends, throwing large parties for them, taking them on vacation with us, they bring laughter, banter, excitement, even new friends have been made & enjoyed through the friends they hook up with. 

This is not to say they don't fight, annoy the living crap out of each other, we yell at them, they do cost $$, time, once in school depending on what they want to do, your life may revolve around after school activities...we have 1 kid in 3 things ! Someone needs to be a good scheduler, planner...kids need attention -if you only have one -I think it is harder as they need more of your attention. Ours at least play with each other. Older ones can watch littler ones. There will be night feedings, lugging a stroller everywhere, remembering snacks, daiper bags on hand, car seats, wanting to play games, throwing up on the carpet, night fevers, worry, Doc visits homework....bla bla bla....

And meanwhile....never forgetting the high priority of each other . Baby sitting.... if you have family members who will want to help, can swap with friends & their kids... just a thought. 

It IS a life changing thing to bring children into this world, they will be a part of your daily routine till they are at least teens... and hopefully by then you've instilled so much wisdom in them, they will be able to stand on their own 2 feet being a respectable young person who makes wise choices for the most part. 

All children need to feel wanted, loved ....made to feel they enhance our lives just being born. We look at our children as precious gifts...as parents you give and give and give, but the rewards you get back can not be measured in the same way somehow. 

It is an inner reward. Pray about it !


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## trex (Oct 31, 2012)

Sorry to dredge up an old thread, but I think there's a perspective I can offer here.

My wife and I have two young kids. Fully planned. She was the one who wanted children, I was pretty neutral on the idea. I've learned a few very important things in the last few years.

Make sure you know WHY you want kids, and make sure it's for a good reason. Like I said, I was pretty neutral on the idea, and as it turned out, my wife quickly became overwhelmed with motherhood and I needed to step up in a big way to keep the morale of the house positive. I am doing this out a sense of obligation more than from my own personal enjoyment. 

Since both of you want kids, it's unlikely you'll find yourself in this quagmire, but it's important that both of you are engaged because both of you will likely falter at one point or another and the other will need to step up to cover the slack until things recover.

Having kids really just turns up the volume on the relationship. If you really like the song, then all is well. If you only kinda like the song, then you may get sick of it. If you don't like the song, well....

If you have a strong relationship, listen to the other advise and agree with each other that you are in this together, no matter what. Don't let the kids, the stress, the lack of sleep, etc, drive you apart. It's really easy to start taking stuff out on your partner when the going gets rough.

Just be prepared for the fact that it is hard and it will challenge you in ways that you weren't expecting. I don't know of anyone that hasn't been humbled by the experience. If you go into it with those expectations, then you'll have the right mindset.

The bottom line is this: you BOTH want to have kids and you BOTH want to be together. You'll be fine as long as you work to maintain that bond and remind each other of that priority from time to time.


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