# Dealing with lonliness



## Kitty84 (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi,

My husband and I split up in November – I have been living with friends since then and moved into a house with 2 new flat mates about 3 weeks ago.

I have never lived alone and the thought of having to fill my time with my own company, which I do not enjoy. 

I have found myself seeing a very distant and erratic man, just because he is company and gives me those cuddles in the morning that I'm scared to be without.

I would really be interested in hearing other people’s experiences of life post separation.

x


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

The problem with loneliness during separation is you remember the few tender moments you had with the spouse who doesn't want anything to do with you anymore.
The memories will only intensify the loneliness, and you start feeling like you would want to do anything just to experience that memory again.
What I do when this happens to me is...I try to remember why we are in this situation in the first place. The way your spouse treated you shabbily, which if you think about it, happened more often than the few tender moments you are reminscing right now during moments of loneliness. 
It's normal to reminsce, and miss, and be desperately lonely sometimes...but remember, that's how most domestic abuse victims can still go back to their abuser... because the few tender memories, clouds their shocking reality.


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

The loneliness and silence are what are destroying me. I have my dog and he is now wondering why I am constantly hugging him and falling asleep with him on the floor. She moved out of our house and left me in our 4 bedroom to fend for myself. The divorce was my fault and my regret and shame are bogging me down in self hatred. I sleep 3-4 hours a day and just keep hoping and praying that this pain will start to ease at some point. I am reconnecting with friends to get out and do something.... anything just to get out of the house. Find a new hobby or join a social group or something. Some days I guess it is just about putting one foot in front of the other.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I am finding the worst part is that no one is wondering where I am. I could be gone all day and all night and there is just no one on the other end waiting for me. Eventually my kids or friends or family members would notice, but after 28 years of being a partner, its hard to get over it


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Here's my experience. I am 26. I am about to receive divorce papers (sometime this week)...I work a job with no supervision, my boss is 4 hours away. I have no real co-workers. No opportunities to make friends.

I live where I live, because I moved here with my wife, when she got a job..sacrificed everything to be here for her...I have been here for 2 years. I have zero friends here.

I now live in an apartment because I had to move out...The apartment has no furniture other than my bed. I have nothing in it...it would take me about an hour to move out...I also have no pets.

Do I get lonely? Hell yes. This place is a prison cell with an open door. The difference is, no matter how far I go during the day, I always have to come back at night....it's very sad, and very lonely.

How do I cope?

I play online games with real people involved...meeting them online isn't as good as RL, but it's good to have some connection.
I talk on forums like this, getting perspective from others, just as you are doing now...reading posts really makes you feel somewhat less lonely.
I live an active lifestyle...I run, lift weights, and rock climb. Endorphins are good.
I have a rock-climbing gym I go to...i know all the staff, and many of the patrons...sure they are only "casual friends" that I only talk to while i'm at the gym...but that could change...when I'm ready for it to.
I talk to friends and family that live in other states when I can.
I play guitar...keep busy with my hobbies etc.

I just ....cope.

It's sad, absolutely. Lonely, no doubt...Last time someone gave me a hug? or an affectionate touch of any kind...been like 4 months. Closest physical contact I've had was a handshake.

Eventually, you just deal with it. It's not ideal, but you survive it and keep going forward. Just remind yourself the way I do, "it's not always going to be like this." and realize that the future is unknown.

Anything could happen. My wife could decide 2 years from now, or tomorrow, that she wants to get back together...I could get killed in a car wreck...I could get a promotion, move across the country, and meet a wonderful woman who truly loves me for me...ANYTHING can happen, just remember that.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> What I do when this happens to me is...I try to remember why we are in this situation in the first place. The way your spouse treated you shabbily, which if you think about it, happened more often than the few tender moments you are reminscing right now during moments of loneliness.


Same here. I remember she thought about cheating on me (maybe she did), the passive-aggressive comments, the resentment, the rejection in the bedroom, and lacks of authenticity and "faking" so many good times, the projection on inadequacies, the blaming, etc. I was getting to a point that despite being in love with her I was not liking her. I felt I was the only one interested in working on our marriage and I know I brought a lot of this relationship. I know I have been a very good husband, with my share of faults of course. We're all human.

That's what I think of when I miss her and when I feel alone. Sometimes it helps "reset" my frame of mind. My counselor told me "thought drives emotion", so I try to put it in practice, visualizing myself in a happier situation down the road - stbxw not included.

Other strategies... this forum, reading self-help books, seeing family and friends, sometimes just going out in town to be around people instead of staying holed up at home, going for a walk, etc.

Still, it's tough. Its like madboutlove said... knowing there is no one at home waiting for you. I type this and my eyes just swelled up with tears. It's been nearly two months since my stbxw said she wanted a separation. A bit over a month since I've been living at the house alone. I miss her in bed... just being close, watching her sleep, hearing her voice when she came home and so, so much more... 

Sorry, just another trip on the roller coaster ride there for a few seconds. I just put into practice what I wrote about in the first paragraph... and felt a bit better.

I think it's important to remember the only person we can work on is ourselves, not our spouse. It's up to us to steer our own ship in a better direction. Not always easy, but working on a more positive frame of mind, exercising to physically work out the stress and grief, communication and socializing is important. All building blocks to get to a better place in our lives.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I feel like the worlds wore father today because I was out with my son at his boy scout camping trip. I was trying to focus on him but all I could think about was mu stbxw, what I don't have anymore. Some of the dads were talking about upcoming couples weekend, that killed me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

It is a rollercoaster, and I'm getting used to that. I'm fortunate in that I am not alone, I am in my hometown, but even this is very frustrating for me. I am living back at my parents, which was supposed to be a temporary thing while we saved up money to start a life together (my husband is from another country so we couldn't live together right now), and now everything we planned isn't gonna happen, but here I still sit. I have not traditionally had the best relationship with my parents either, I was very nervous about living with them for a while, and the thought of my husband's support was what made it okay, and helped me through some tough times. Unfortunately, he forgot how to be supportive a while ago, so even when he and I were still trying to work things out, I still was pretty much on my own.

Anyways, lonliness is a rough thing to deal with. Really the only way to deal with it is what everyone is saying- do things to get your mind off it. If you have good friends near you, spend as much time with them as you can. You can also join clubs, gyms, or even volunteer. Even coming and posting on online forums can make things seem less empty and lonely. Any sort of social contact can help distract you.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Loneliness is a devastating,desperate state...it can benumb and shatter or mis-guide too...

Divert your mind into doing creative,constructive things and make good friends( be cautious and slow n sure in making Real ones)...and above all you can also rely on yourself and the Highest Superior Force, if you can have The Faith...that can give tremendous boost, if you are not a skeptic...There could be Solace from such a process of "faith..n hope...and doing"...with wisdom..


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Honestly it took me two months to go to my GP, but he immediately put me on xanax and I wish I would have gone two months ago when he first started talking about leaving!!! 

I did immediately start IC when this started and I am working on behavioral cognitive therapy... but that xanax (I hate drugs) have taken an edge off of my trembles, nerves, worry, mood swings, weight loss etc.

For other therapy (friends say it is premature) but I also have started looking at websites that allow me to see what's out there... how to date, realtor.com, new job opportunity sites etc. Why not look at lots of changes that I haven't been allowed to make before after almost 30 yrs together I can maybe start some of my own dreams if he decides he is done, I will have not only a PLAN A, but B, C, and D! 

I am a reader so if anyone has suggestions for books and other things to do to 'get out there' and learn to enjoy life again (w/o the other half) please share.


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## talaash (Dec 17, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> ... if anyone has suggestions for books and other things to do to 'get out there' and learn to enjoy life again (w/o the other half) please share.


Are you into music? Even if you aren't, check out this dvd: 1 Giant Leap (2002) - IMDb

The music and philosophy behind it is uplifting, deep and real; inspires me to be more inquisitive about the mystery of life when I am feeling down. Enjoy


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I will check it out, I have been listening a lot to alanis morissette you oughta know, the Script (two full cds - break up songs etc that speak to my pain) and some Daughtry and David Cook... it's so strange I hear all these songs and either about breaking up or waiting for the partner to return. Nickelback... Someday.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Mama! oh man...you want to hear some heartfelt stuff? that makes you both a little sad, but a little happy at the same time?

Any song, from "Death Cab For Cutie"......I kid you not, it's been my music of choice every day for months. Few songs you might like:

Bend to squares
Company Calls Epilogue
Expo 86
Title and Registrations
Talking Bird

Basically any song, but those are some of my favorites.

Sorry for the hijack...couldn't resist


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## Starfish girl (Feb 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I will check it out, I have been listening a lot to alanis morissette you oughta know, the Script (two full cds - break up songs etc that speak to my pain) and some Daughtry and David Cook... it's so strange I hear all these songs and either about breaking up or waiting for the partner to return. Nickelback... Someday.


So true, all the music I seem to be drawn to are break up and heart break songs, some songs that are happier like One Republic's Good Life I can't bare to hear because my life is not good.


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## Starfish girl (Feb 6, 2012)

CSeryllum said:


> Here's my experience. I am 26. I am about to receive divorce papers (sometime this week)...I work a job with no supervision, my boss is 4 hours away. I have no real co-workers. No opportunities to make friends.
> 
> I live where I live, because I moved here with my wife, when she got a job..sacrificed everything to be here for her...I have been here for 2 years. I have zero friends here.
> 
> ...


Your story and how you are handling things inspire me. I like what you said about anything can happen, you never know. Thats why we all shouldn't give up and just take it one day at a time one breath at a time. Hugs to you my friend.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

I work from home, no coworkers within hundreds of miles. Working from home used to be a good thing, but now with the advent of instant messaging it has more in common with house arrest than a career. No one to talk to, and you can't leave. The 24 X 7 nature of business doesn't help either.

When separation hits at a time like this it's absolutely crushing. I'm here all day and night with no real human contact. I used to go to the grocery store every day, just to get out and see living people other than my wife. But now that she's gone and I've given up eating that trip isn't necessary. I did force myself to go out and watch a bit of the superbowl, but it's only been 6 days since she left so I don't take much interest in anything other than the wild conspiracy theories my mind comes up with and completely unrealistic plans to get her back.

I've been through this before, this time I think it will be infinitely worse from a loneliness standpoint. I'm worried that as the reality sinks in, my sanity will slip out. I'll be watching this thread closely but I suspect that for me there is no answer to that question.

Luckily I've been practicing being lonely for a long time, so I'm getting real good at it.


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## Starfish girl (Feb 6, 2012)

I read somewhere that there are groups at meetup.com where you can put your zip code in and they have different groups and type of interests for people to socialize. For example, I joined a women's walking group. I start on Wednesday. They also have things like if you are interested in cycling, hiking, taking pictures, amusement parks, or just general meet ups for breakfast or coffee with a group of people just trying to make new friends. It's not so much for dating although anything can happen, you never know who you are going to meet but it's just more for social, common interests, having fun, and making friends. We will see how my first meet up group goes but worth a try. i think getting out and being with people is probably better than sitting at home thinking. Too much thinking and then I get so down and upset and wondering what he's doing and who with.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Starfish girl said:


> i think getting out and being with people is probably better than sitting at home thinking. Too much thinking and then I get so down and upset and wondering what he's doing and who with.


Sadly...this gets worse at night, when you realize you're even more alone and going to bed alone, and that you'll wake up alone...it makes you wonder, if THEY are alone...and doing the same thing, if they're even thinking about you at all.

It's not easy...but you have a good mind set. Get out there, do all the things that make you feel good and new!

ALSO! From my rock climbing gym, they had this big banner up, and are sponsored i guess by this group...looks pretty cool, but I haven't called to find out like...what it costs, or anything like that, but if you're the adventurous type, it might be worth looking into!

Events And Adventures is the Club for singles - with singles events in Dallas, San Francisco, Houston, Phoenix, Vancouver BC, Seattle and Minneapolis

The schedule is really neat in the calendar...fun stuff for everyone, maybe there is one in your area? I found one near me which was cool.

Granted, it's "for singles"....but hey, it's all about meeting people, taking advantage of opportunities right?


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## Starfish girl (Feb 6, 2012)

CSeryllum said:


> Sadly...this gets worse at night, when you realize you're even more alone and going to bed alone, and that you'll wake up alone...it makes you wonder, if THEY are alone...and doing the same thing, if they're even thinking about you at all.
> 
> It's not easy...but you have a good mind set. Get out there, do all the things that make you feel good and new!
> 
> ...


That looks pretty cool. And thats whats neat about the meet up groups. it's not "for singles" but it's just for people wanting to get out and meet people and have fun. None of this can hurt, I keep thinking whatever I can do to get me through another day. But you're absolutely right about the nights. I lay there and force myself not to think and just try and sleep. I have to take Tylenol PM or have some Sleepy Time tea before bed so I can try to fall asleep without thinking. I go to bed and have my iPad with me and play games or do stuff like this until I am so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I use to love to read but the kind of books I like are the ones with happy endings and now they just make me want to cry. I'd rather play a game on the iPad. I am tired at work in the morning but it's worth it not to think. I will admit I do go searching sometimes on the internet for the girl I think he is interested in but that just causes me more heartache. She's 20 years younger than him. He is 47 and she is 27 and I can't compete with 27. She is beautiful and looks perfect.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

It's natural to want to know more about the person who captured the attention of your spouse. I've been there. And don't you think, not for one second, that she is "perfect" because she is 27...that relationship, it won't last. Odds are, she'll hurt him. I say this because he is liking the idea of having a "younger woman" but sooner or later, the age difference, and her "needs" will separate them. He'll probably get hurt, and it serves him right.

I'm the same way btw...with stories..well, I don't read as much as I should, but I find movies and shows that are happy, to be quite sad...actually...I just watched a very nostalgic, sad movie. Seven Pounds, with Will Smith.

Makes me cry every time...though not just because it's sad...but because the movie holds a significant memory for me in my life...so it's twice as sad!


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Honestly it took me two months to go to my GP, but he immediately put me on xanax and I wish I would have gone two months ago when he first started talking about leaving!!!
> 
> I did immediately start IC when this started and I am working on behavioral cognitive therapy... but that xanax (I hate drugs) have taken an edge off of my trembles, nerves, worry, mood swings, weight loss etc.
> 
> ...



Read Books by Norman Vincent Peale..esp *The New Art of Living...and also there are several books are available on similar lines..

*

*I suggest you may take up a hobby ,say Painting, even if you havent done any painting in your entire life..You may have had a desire from your childhood, to do so..?or some time later when you were in college or say when u were a home maker , a working woman etc? or think of another creative thing to do..
*
Try if you need.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Maybe I'm weird or something, but I have to say I am actually enjoying a bit of peace and quiet when totally on my own! Thing is having 50/50 custody of my 5 year old daughter, its never too long that I am completely alone and when she is around it is total Daddy/daughter time, which is great.

I am also finding I am making much more of an effort to go out with friends now and arrange things - there are a couple of really good guys going out of their way for me as well; its awesome to find out I have some really great people around. I've said this before on another post somewhere, but the next stop for me I feel is to really go out and date other people. At the moment I really do think that will be the ultimate 'move on' for me. I dunno, maybe I'm taking this whole 'I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me' concept of mine too far, too fast - but I do feel as though its really helping me out.


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## Kitty84 (Nov 22, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies – it’s interesting to hear how people pass their time.

It looks like things have finished between me and this inappropriate man I’ve been seeing. I'm pretty infatuated with him but am slowly realising that I'm clinging on to him as I'm too scared to be on my own.

I am not looking forward to Sunday. The past few Sunday’s I have spent with the inappropriate man, lounging around watch tv, cuddling – normal stuff. What am I going to do on my own?

I am a bit worried that I'm at the beginning of a little breakdown – I am in trouble at work as I can’t concentrate on anything and want to cry all the time. I’ve stopped eating and look skinny. I'm having massive financial problems too which aren’t helping.

I must point out that I was the one who left my husband. Last week I missed him for the first time since I left 3 months ago. I had a bit of a panic attack last night about it. I'm wondering if I'm feeling like this because I don’t want to be on my own.

I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I'm on a precipice and I don’t know how to get down.


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> Sadly...this gets worse at night, when you realize you're even more alone and going to bed alone, and that you'll wake up alone...it makes you wonder, if THEY are alone...and doing the same thing, if they're even thinking about you at all.


This is the toughest time for me. I struggle and struggle and have been doing anything I can just to get some sleep. Sadly I average about 4 hours a night. I am hoping this ends sooner rather than later. I actually scheduled an appointment with my doctor to get some sleeping aid.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

Kitty, I was in a similar situation, although on the receiving end of it. 
I could not function at work, couldn't concentrate, had crying jags at inappropriate and very inconvenient times. I spent 20 minutes looking for my reading glasses and found them on top of my head. I went to the grocery store, went to get gas, went to Walmart, and came home. I looked down and saw I was wearing 2 completely different shoes. I slept 2 to 3 hours a night, and ruminated on negative thoughts the remainder of the time.

In a nutshell, I was a useless wreck, and worried I'd soon be unemployed, destitute and homeless.
I went to see my Dr, told him what was going on. He gave me a prescription for xanax. We've all heard of miracle drugs and I've always thought of that as a marketing cliche but I have to tell you this really is one. I've never taken an anti depressant before, never really thought I was depressed, just unhappy due to circumstances.

Now the old me is back. And I mean old in the sense of I feel like the person I was before I turned into the crabby, morose s**t my wife left.

My concentration is back. I can put negative thoughts out of my mind. I can think about my current situation with clarity. I sleep through the night, woken up by an alarm clock instead of the demons that whirled in my head. I converse with people, they seem to like conversing with me. I may have actually made a friend last night, I have not had a friend other than my wife in about 7 years. The difference in me is astounding. 

Go see your Dr, he or she can help. It was a last resort for me but should have been one of the first.

And I think you know - Appropriate or not, you shouldn't be 'seeing' anyone at this stage.


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## herewegoagain (Feb 7, 2012)

SailingSoloAgain said:


> I went to see my Dr, told him what was going on. He gave me a prescription for xanax. We've all heard of miracle drugs and I've always thought of that as a marketing cliche but I have to tell you this really is one. I've never taken an anti depressant before, never really thought I was depressed, just unhappy due to circumstances.


I am wrestling with this. As a man I feel like I have to be able to handle this on my own. But I own my business and others peoples pay/lively hood are directly related to me being able to function. Not to mention my kids need me to be there more than anything now.

I think I will see my doctor and see if he can help, my biggest concern is that once the medicine is gone in a month or 6 months will I be able to cope on my own.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Herewegoagain,

When my GP put me on xanax he started me low and said it's about a 6-9 month plan. He told me divorces don't happen over night and if it ends up that we repair our marriage that it won't be instant either. The xanax definitely will help even my moods out, then he will wean me off. It is amazing the difference it made in my mood. My psychotherapist isn't a huge fan, but she said she has seen people tolerate more than they normally would. It makes me think clearer.


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## Kitty84 (Nov 22, 2011)

I am going to make an appointment to see my doctor shortly - to be honest I'm a bit scared about being put on antidepressants.

Today has been a particularly bad day. I've been drinking a lot lately after work and this of course hasn't helped. I haven't been able to face food at all.

I am going to have to sit my boss down at some point and explain to him how I feel as this is affecting my work. Not looking forward to that.

x


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

First, let me say I'm not in the pharmaceutical business, I'm not a shill. Although this would be a ripe hunting ground for guerilla marketing.

Depending on your boss you might want to consider putting off that talk till after you see your Dr. If your boss will be supportive, go ahead. If not, I'd wait. 

I started feeling a lot better within 15 minutes of taking the first one, and that particular day was what I would consider one of the 10 worst of my life. 

Dr said take 3 a day and 2 before bed, OR, take one when you feel like you need a hand. I take one in the morning and one before bed. The way it appears to work for me is that it lets problems come at you more slowly. You can think them through one at a time, instead of the constant overwhelming barage of worries, fears and aggravations we're all facing now. I have noticed no other effects than a drastic improvement in my thought process, the quality and positiveness (is that a word?) of those thoughts, and ability to sleep. Thank god I can sleep now, it's worth it for that alone. I have the motivation to exercise again. It's certainly down the road but I know a time will come when I've dealt with everything I need to in a positive, constructive way, and I'll no longer feel the need to take it. 

If the need does not go away, then I am depressed independently of the current situation, and that's why the stuff was invented in the first place. I'll keep taking it, and I'm OK with that because so far it has literally made life worth living again.

Knowing myself, I know that the time was not far off when I would have snapped and come at my wife with demands, deadlines, ultimatums and accusations. Doing that would have thoroughly destroyed any chance of the reconciliation I want more than anything else I've ever wanted. The thoughts of doing that no longer enter my mind. I have the patience to give her the time that she, my IC and MC tell me she needs in order to reconnect with herself. 

My STBRW (I'm thinking so positively I invented a new acronym - Soon To Be REUNITED Wife) said she sees a marked improvement in me as a person. I had begun a journey of self improvement before the xanax, her comment about my improvement came before it. But I was backsliding, plagued by doubts, and losing the motivation to continue the path. I'm pretty sure that without it I would have reverted to being the booze hound I was the last time I went through this. 

Herewegoagain, you owe it to those that love and depend on you to at least look into it. I'm a big dude and had your same mindset about toughing it out. Now I know that mindset was a big contributor to being in this mess in the first place.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

:iagree:

My dosage is different 1/2 a pill 10, 2, 6 and a whole one before bedtime. It really has helped my spirit and my ability to focus at work.


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## Kitty84 (Nov 22, 2011)

Hope everyone had a great weekend. I saw some friends and had a housewarming with my new flatmates on Saturday night. Unfortunately I still saw innapropriate man, but not for the whole weekend like we have previously done. I think I shall definitely have to wean myself off him!

Tried to get a doctor's appointment today with no luck  so have to call back at 2pm tomorrow.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Starfish girl said:


> I read somewhere that there are groups at meetup.com where you can put your zip code in and they have different groups and type of interests for people to socialize. For example, I joined a women's walking group. I start on Wednesday. They also have things like if you are interested in cycling, hiking, taking pictures, amusement parks, or just general meet ups for breakfast or coffee with a group of people just trying to make new friends. It's not so much for dating although anything can happen, you never know who you are going to meet but it's just more for social, common interests, having fun, and making friends. We will see how my first meet up group goes but worth a try. i think getting out and being with people is probably better than sitting at home thinking. Too much thinking and then I get so down and upset and wondering what he's doing and who with.


 I'm big into hobbies and I belong to meetups for hiking, kayaking and just plain socializing. Sometimes I do want to get up and out and social meetups ares a great way to get out of the house and mix and mingle with people. :smthumbup:

You can pretty much pick and choose what it is you want to do. They have meetups for everything, including single groups, divorce support, single parents, etc, etc as well as for any interests or hobbies you might want to do, be it basket weaving or rock climbing. 

The nice thing is, the groups are comprised of people who want to get out and meet other people so they are generally a friendly bunch. It's definitely a great start. I attend the meetups quite regularly. I went to a Superbowl party with one meetup group and this weekend I will be going to a bar with the same group and am contemplating hiking with another group. There's no commitment other than signing up so if you decide not to go then it's a matter of just logging on and changing your RSVP. I like the freedom and lack of social entanglements. 

My advise is that you keep your expectations in check. I don't go to these events looking to make lifelong friends or the next love interest. Meetups suit my personality style because I like casually hanging out with people and then going home. I'm just looking to have a good time and get out. I don't expect much and am not all that emotionally invested. 

I also don't mind being alone. I work alone and like it. I have no problem doing stuff on my own and I often prefer it. For many years my husband pretty much ignored me so I got used to doing stuff on my own. It was better than waiting around or arguing or begging him to do things with me. 

I have no desire to get entangled in another romantic relationship, in fact I like living in my own place and having the freedom to do my own thing and when I do want to socialize then clubs and meetups fill in the gaps. Often I'll see something on a Meetup and opt to do it myself. One thing I do like is that the Meetups give you some great ideas about things to do even if you don't do it with the group. 

That said, I haven't always been like this. My neediness and fear of being alone is what got me involved with my husband 25 years ago and the net result was 20 years in a bad marriage. In retrospect it's a very bad way to be because I made a lot of bad decisions based on my fear of loneliness. 

IMO being content with your own company is a form of liberation and a source of strength for me now. 

Do I get lonely? Well sure, there are many times when I do miss the companionship of a significant other. I guess I'm lucky that I have my kids and am able to keep myself amused but I will say that it's better to be alone then in a bad relationship with someone who makes you miserable.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Kitty84 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have found myself seeing a very distant and erratic man, just because he is company and gives me those cuddles in the morning that I'm scared to be without.
> 
> ...


I've been separated over a year. Personally, I'd rather be alone then cuddling with a guy who doesn't turn me on.

I like having my own place a lot. My husband and I are still in a relationship but I'm glad we are separated. He talks about us living together again someday but personally, I prefer things they way they are. I keep thinking "why ruin a good thing?".


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

The lonliness is hard. I consider myself to be a bit of a loner but I like to be with someone sometimes. Watched 6 dvds this weekend. Went to a political meeting. Stuff to just kill time for now.


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## Kitty84 (Nov 22, 2011)

I have a doctors appointment in a few hours, I'll let you all know how I get on x


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When I was 17 I was living on my own at a beach resort working for the summer. A high school friend gave me a ride back to the city where my orthodontist was. On the way, we stopped at a fast food joint and were sitting speaking in French (for practice...) and then the discussion turned to how strange it was to see each other after so much time apart (she'd gone to private school, I'd stayed in public and then left without graduating...) and about how suddenly we were catapulted out into a world where we did not have our 'group', meaning that group we'd belonged to in high school, where every day we convened on the 'steps' at lunch (we shunned the indoor cafeteria, and preferred to eat under the sky, even when it was raining, or cold...)

She said something to me that her mother had told her.
Be your own best friend.

It was impressed upon me at that time, that adults spend time on their own, and that time counts. It allows them to be effective parents, whole people, to create art, to connect to and know themselves, and to bring that to others when they get together, after being apart, or when meeting someone new. 

It was comforting for me to know at that age, that being alone in a responsible way was part of becoming an adult in our society. As children, we do it naturally !!!!! and then we develop egos, by layers or hurt or attention - too much of either can be damaging. 

But I still remember the SHOCK at realizing that this was it. There is no marriage or family situation or job situation or group membership that will ease loneliness or guarantee that you will never be alone in the world. Between a person and isolation, is only how they accept it. I think for adults, it's the equivalent of toilet training. Kids can either be proud of their poopoo and accept it as something that happens in life and have control of it in a good way, or they can fight it. Neither alone-ness or poop are going to stop in this world. Even people in hospitals on rotational skewers in a coma are left alone sometimes with just a monitor on for connection. (I sat and read to some patients who were in this state when I was an ekg tech, but of course, when my buzzer goes off I have to go and do my job...always excuse myself, but fact is one human cannot always be there for another). The only person you can count on consistently for company is yourself, sometimes you might get fed up with yourself, for dragging your feet or not being fun, but that's the way friends are, too! If they're not, then they're not showing you their real side, and that's also an issue, not knowing others well enough to realize that everybody has dishes and laundry and paperwork and feeling under the weather and stuff like that. Being able to go the distance for yourself means eventually being able to be a good friend for others and hold out a hand when they need it, but not project a need for company onto others. I've had days where I just took a friend to the dock and let her sit and read. That was company, share my view, literally.


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## Kitty84 (Nov 22, 2011)

I have been referred for counselling and cognative behavioural therapy so waiting for that to start.

Ex's friends have deleted me off facebook and one blanked me in the street yesterday. Not feeling my best today, very teary x


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He can't abuse you directly, so he is abusing you indirectly because he knows this will get to you. Try to have perspective about it, even though it's difficult right now. This will change, I'm guessing during your relationship you were socially isolated attending to his stated needs. Now you're in a kind of void, but you're getting anchored, doing the right things. Just keep doing that and if you decide that you don't want to be involved with his friends, you will be the one doing the blanking, and grateful when his friends cooperate with your action. It will be the same behavior, but a different feeling from it. One of relief that finally you two are on the same page. If his friends are so blind to think that what he is telling them about you is wrong, then they are the ones who are being manipulated and hurt by him, they're just unaware of being used as extensions of himself. You might even feel sorry for them. Eventually they will realize and he won't have friends, or they're just the sort of people who also need to hurt others in order to feel alive. If they can't hurt you, because you stopped caring, they'll move on to other targets. Make sure your FB is protected from people you don't want seeing your info and anyone you feel unsure about or feel like you have something to 'prove' to regarding what happened in your relationship and knows your H, is deleted and blocked.
You don't have to give any explanation, just that this is what you decided for your own reasons, if they ask or act put out.


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## Kitty84 (Nov 22, 2011)

Thank you Homemaker. The people in question became very good mutual friends, who both text / messaged me after I left my H saying they were thinking of me and hoped I was ok. It did hurt a abit to be shut out by them.

Definitely a down day today. x


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