# MIL



## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

My mil is coming to stay with use for a few weeks.SHe has addiction and mental health issues.I am not happy about this.BUt,I feel stuck.MY sil wont help her .My husband is only one willing to help.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

That sucks. You and your H should agree on some ground rule and boundaries before she arrives.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> That sucks. *You and your H should agree on some ground rule and boundaries before she arrives.*


Yes. Pleeeaaaaase do this. If there is anything that both my wife and I regret about our years spent supporting her mother, it's that we failed to do this from the moment that she showed up on our doorstep.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

Any suggestions on what kind of rules?SHe has her own money.My DD is from another marriage so there is no conflict there


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your daughter is a dependent child. His mother is neither.


1. Time alone in your own home.
2. Her expectations of your H vs your expectations. You two are going out, does she have to be specifically excluded or specifically invited?
3. How much to confide in her and the level of input she is permitted to share regarding the running of your home/marriage.
4. Who is ultimately responsible for her well being? What if she gets sick and needs regular care, what if the sickness isn't short term?
5. Expenses. How much do you each expect to contribute to her care?
6 how to handle day to day annoyances, she left the milk out, you left a wet sponge in the sink. These seem trivial now but they can bloom into huge issues.
7. Privacy. Is she allowed to come into your bedroom? If so under what conditions? If not, who will explain this to her?
8. Ultimately, it is your H's responsibility to care for his mother. This means when in conflict, it is his responsibility to deal with her and to support you. Keeping in mind this woman is his mother and turning his back on her would probably be far too much to ask, protecting your marriage should be first to both of you, and allowing him to protect his mother needs to also be up there for you. Unless it becomes grossly problematic. The goal should be to find a way to make this work and not to find a way to kick her out.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

We really havent talked about rules.My dd is 20..His mom is only staying long enough to find an apartment in the area.SHe is in other state at the moment.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd be looking really hard for that apartment ... make this your highest priority !.... it's very helpful to do some of the ground work to make a big move run smoother for a parent -given you are here to do so, make the calls, line as much up as you can ....anything to make the transition easier..setting her up in her own place.. 

What is her addiction..and why has the sister in law cut her off? Depending on her behaviors/ if she takes her meds... this could disrupt an entire household.. you & husband will have to stand strong together -in regards to how this is handled...to not allow her to get in between the 2 of you.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

I would love to have everything set up when she gets here apartment wise.But,I do not even know how much money she has coming in every month.Talking to husband is pointless he never asks right questions.My sil has had her fill of the addiction/mental health problems.From what I have been told it is booze and pills.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TrampledRosee said:


> I would love to have everything set up when she gets here apartment wise.But,I do not even know how much money she has coming in every month.Talking to husband is pointless he never asks right questions.My sil has had her fill of the addiction/mental health problems.From what I have been told it is booze and pills.


Tell your H she cannot stay in your (as in our) home until you both have solid agreement and information.

You need a definite move out by this date date! Written in stone!
You need to know exactly what her income is each month and what her expenses are.
You need this because you can point out several potential places so she can't drag her feet. But more importantly, you need to know if it is even possible for her to afford a place of her own on her income. What if she moves in and then you find out her income is so low there is no way she could ever afford a place that wasn't in a drug infested crime ridden area that is a 3 story walk up!

Good lord you could be walking into the total demise of your marriage and depletion of your assets.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

If your husband does not ask the right questions then write them down, and get a jump on the apartment seeking. 

Another rule is a timeline that you and your husband agree to. You don't have to tell your MIL about you need to agree your H will ratchet up the effort drastically once the timeline has expired. 

Also your H must choose you over your MIL if their is a disagreement. It is your house and she is the guest. 

Tread lightly but firmly. Steel under velvet so you don't come of as a cold biatch

Please please please listen. 

What can happen is your H forms a different lower opinion of you that can not be overcome. 

There is marriage wrecking potential here. Be mindful and smart and protect your backside. 

IF MIL gets too comfy, she will over stay her welcome and you can potentially become adversaries and she actively tries to get between you and your H

Good luck. You will need it. 

It's doubly important because she will be living nearby. YUCK. 

Also protect your kids from the pill popping alcoholic with some child specific rules largely dependent on their ages which you did not share so we cant offer input on that until you do


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

What every one has said here reinforces my feelings of dread.I know this is a **** storm waiting to happen


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Share our concerns with your husband so he does not take any of this lightly. 

IT CAN DESTROY A MARRIAGE. HE NEEDS TO GET THAT WRAPPED AROUND HIS HEAD AND NOT BLOW IT OFF. 

Her living nearby will change your life forever as you know it. MIL has already burned out one child your SIL. 

Your H is next. Burnout is a life altering state that is epically difficult to come back from and it can do permanent damage to the respect you have for each other and the emotional connection can be lost for good. 

Please have the talk and it needs to be a good one

DANGER DANGER DANGER


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I smell trouble ahead with a capital T. not only should you and H come up with rules, your MIL needs to be informed of the rules. Before she moves in, you and H have a serious sit down talk with her to discuss those rules. That way she'll see you both are presenting a united front. And have a timeline for everything. Addicts are very manipulative, sneaky, and crafty.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

This whole thing has been pain in the ass.Husband gets angry if I press to hard for info.WTF.....I deserve answers to simple questions.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Its as much your house as it is his, right? DO NOT BACK DOWN. it would be one thing if she had no addiction issues. But this is a horse of an entirely different color. this could ruin your marriage if you're not together on this.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

It is impossible situation all around.I am dying yo light into his sister over her lack of give a damn


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

TrampledRosee said:


> My sil has had her fill of the addiction/mental health problems.From what I have been told it is booze and pills....I am dying to light into his sister over her lack of give a damn


It is VERY UNWISE to invite an active addict/alcoholic into your house for a long-term stay, and by long-term I mean more than an hour or two.

Is your MIL at all committed to staying clean and sober? 

Do you have any experience living with an active addict? 

I don't blame your SIL at all for washing her hands of this. There is nothing you can do to help an active addict, other than getting out of the way of the natural consequences...sadly, often including homelessness....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

As someone who has tried to help an addicted, schizophrenic relative, after said relative burnt all bridges with the rest of the family, all I can tell you is TREAD CAREFULLY.

Rules are CRITICAL. It also needs to be made very clear that MIL gets ONE chance, if she f's up (addiction wise). And then you need to enforce it. I had to. I said to him "You had one chance when you moved in, you just used it. Any more eps like this and you're out". A few days later I had to get the police to kick him out. I'm not totally heartless, I put him up in a hotel until accommodation could be found for him but I couldn't have him in my house anymore.

At the very least, when an addict is in your home:

1. Lock up your valuables (ideally store them elsewhere for the duration, they WILL steal from you).

2. Lock up any medication (my relative stole my dog's arthritis pain meds!!)

3. Know that it's easy peasy to tell when an addict is lying - their lips are moving.

Your husband is in serious denial, I don't blame your SIL one bit. She's been burnt and she ain't goin' back for more - good on her.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

frusdil said:


> As someone who has tried to help an addicted, schizophrenic relative, after said relative burnt all bridges with the rest of the family, all I can tell you is TREAD CAREFULLY.
> 
> Rules are CRITICAL. It also needs to be made very clear that MIL gets ONE chance, if she f's up (addiction wise). And then you need to enforce it. I had to. I said to him "You had one chance when you moved in, you just used it. Any more eps like this and you're out". A few days later I had to get the police to kick him out. I'm not totally heartless, I put him up in a hotel until accommodation could be found for him but I couldn't have him in my house anymore.
> 
> ...


I 100% agree on everything frudsil just listed.

People who are in recovery ROCK!!! They are open, honest, insightful, strong. Hopefully your MIL finds her way into a solid recovery.

But, people who are in active addictions are more like rocks that will tie themselves to you and pull you right down to the bottom with them, if you don't establish and maintain very strong boundaries. 

You are probably going to look at your MIL and see someone who cannot and should not be in your home, and your husband will probably look at your MIL and see someone who is desperately sick and has no where else to go. You'll both be right. 

To help you both get on the same page, I recommend going in person or hopping onto an online Alanon, Naranon, and/or an open AA/NA meeting. It will be educational and especially with Alanon/Naranon, you'll find a lot of support.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

I am not a pill head I have no meds in the house.My uncle was a drunk and stayed with me about 6 mons.My ex husband had a coke problem.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, I don't know where you live geographically, but I know in my area, there are a lot of short-term, furnished rentals. (Which can be rented for anywhere from a week up to several months.) 

Maybe a better option would be for the two of you to find her something like this, instead of her staying in your home while she looks for a place of her own? She can still come and visit you for dinner or lunch (or whatever), but ultimately, she has her own space, and you and your H have yours. 

It will be a little more $$$ than whatever her monthly rent on her own place will be, so you and your H might have to chip in a little, but it might be worth the piece of mind. You could tell her, this place is paid up through the end of the month, so that's how long you have to find your own apartment. If you stay beyond that point, you'll be responsible for paying any additional rent.

Your H needs to back you on this. I know she's his mom, but you're his WIFE. And I think someone also mentioned this, but you might want to look at Al-Anon, or other orgs that help support the adult children of addicts. He likely has some co-dependent issues where she is concerned, especially since you indicated that he gets angry every time you bring it up.

When you do bring it up, make sure that you stay calm. Don't get emotional. Make yourself some notes and talk it through to yourself, out loud. What different responses do you expect from him? Have a plan for how you will deal with each of those responses. That should help you some. You'll need to make your case in a logical, calm fashion. Don't expect him to get on board right away. He may need some time to digest and consider what you've said.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

SHe is here...I am basically babysitting .I had to even hide OTC meds...WTF....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Make notes of anything off that happens with her. You'll want to have that stuff documented if you need to make a case to your husband why she has to leave.

Have you and he agreed on the parameters/limitations/conditions of her staying with you?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

he told her the rules.I just do not like having to count the beers and lock up the advil


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