# I need help: How do you handle an inhouse divorce?



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

:scratchhead:I am really struggling here. My STBXH doesn't seem effected by our divorce in the least. But I am and that's the problem.

We live in same house, until sold, and we both have separate rooms but he wants to be friends and I can't. I am in too much pain. 

Do I explain to him my pain and the issues that arose from his escapism or do I just continue to build the walls to protect myself?

I really would appreciate feedback.

Thanks.


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## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

Aside from the still living together part, my H and I were in the same position. I was happy to try and stay friends for the sake of our children but as soon as he lied to me about his new "relationship" just a few weeks after he moved out, that was the end of the friendship.

I have now decided to move on without him in my life in any way aside from the kids' dad and have told him this. He has really hurt me with his actions since he moved out and he doesn't seem to understand that.

I'm now trying to protect myself in the best way I can, its not easy, but I'm lucky to have a great support network. Have you got people around you helping you through this? Its a really hard thing to try and get through on your own and if you have good people around you, it does make the situation a bit more bearable.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

I would give up everything to be in your position people... Right now, all I want is for H to move back in the house and from there I can work out the problems with him.

I'm fixing our marriage alone and I cannot do it with us seeing each other only every other day.. I need more time with him -- I need to discuss our problems, I need to be able to make him understand what went wrong, what can we do to fix it, what can we compromise, sacrifice???

I'm going crazy!! I would like an in-house separation -- let's trade places!!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

yourbabygirl:
you would not like to trade places because I want to do what you want but my STBXH does not. He said he no longer loves me and it looks to be true. I still love him. What this living together does is it keeps re-kindling hope in my heart which is just not going to happen.

I would much rather deal with the pain w/o spouse living w/me as a constant reminder that he no longer loves me and dumped me like dirty laundry.

It sounds as if you and your spouse are working on things, not so w/me. My X wants nothing to do with me. And that is what I am trying to get passed and that is why this Hell to be staying in same household.

I am not angry I am just trying to explain. It really really hurts which shows that I have not reached the point of acceptance and I wish I did. I hate the pain!!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sparkles, my situation is a bit different. She still cares for me but as a friend. We respect each others privacy but we also talk a lot, and even do some things together; it is very amicable. I think we have both gotten past the anger and hurt stage. She is no longer in love with me. If we were not getting along, one of us would have moved out a long time ago so I see your point. I could not stand to see her everyday if we were at each others throats or if I was feeling down all the time.

YBG, if he is out, gone, doesn't want to be there; I am sorry but you have to let him go and get yourself moving on. Exercise, find a hobby, find friends to go out with. It really depends on how you read him and if your gut instinct is telling you he no longer loves you, and he and you are sincere about that, then it's time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off as the old cliche goes. You don't want an unhappy person around you, it will take you down. I know it's hard when you love him so much but it can't work it it is a one way street. It is not fair to you; you deserve better and you will find better if this doesn'r work out. I wish you the best, be strong, better yourself.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I wish there was a way that I could hurry this along. Ive done all the mourning and self reflection I can do while still living in the house with my cheating stbxw, and shes oblivious and thinking we will still be "Friends" after this. Really? Friends??? I dont have enemies that have done this kind of thing to me.

I just know that once I am finally out on my own and in my own place, is when the real grieving will happen, and i dont look forward to that at all.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo, it may be daunting to think of when you are finally out on your own... it may also be liberating. My wife is finally in her own apartment, but lots of her crap is still in the house and I've been procrastinating sorting through it (I know she won't because its easier for her to just leave all her crap behind).


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Lon said:


> Shooboomafoo, it may be daunting to think of when you are finally out on your own... it may also be liberating. My wife is finally in her own apartment, but lots of her crap is still in the house and I've been procrastinating sorting through it (I know she won't because its easier for her to just leave all her crap behind).


I say we have a big yard sale to fund the purchase of lots of beer, brisket and ribs.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

That sounds awesome! I wish I had done that instead of donating it all!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Oh I plan on keeping whatever cash comes from the sale of all that junk, it was my income that was supporting her frivolous spending in the first place and since she decided that my hard work wasn't really a contribution to the relationship I guess she would be fine getting nothing (in fact shes said so, but if she changes her mind the judge would undoubtedly award her share). I'm not bitter about this just think its funny that money doesn't seem to be important when someone else is doing the providing - <sarcasm>being away for 8 hours a day clearly shows that my marriage isn't priority #1 </sarcasm>


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I would agree to be friends but only for the reason of being to control my situation. I would try to find way for him to truly miss me and it can't happen unless I allow him to come and see me.

Mainly, I would limit and dictate the time when we can be together and talk or whatever (but NO touchy feely and certainly NO sex).

In other words, be busy every once in a while when he wants to get together with you. It will give him the impression that just maybe ... you want to go on with your life ...! and that you're not there JUST WAITING for him to come calling!

Be INDEPENDENT and go out with your friends and relatives! Dress up nice every once in a while when you do go out! That will get his curiosity going but if he asks, don't give him anymore information other than you're going out! 

Staying home locked up in your room is like being a dog waiting for his master to come calling!

He needs to really MISS you! Make it happen and you just might see some changes.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> I would much rather deal with the pain w/o spouse living w/me as a constant reminder that he no longer loves me and dumped me like dirty laundry.
> 
> It sounds as if you and your spouse are working on things, not so w/me. My X wants nothing to do with me. And that is what I am trying to get passed and that is why this Hell to be staying in same household.
> 
> I am not angry I am just trying to explain. It really really hurts which shows that I have not reached the point of acceptance and I wish I did. I hate the pain!!!


It too am at that point of acceptance where I know if I let go it is done for good, and I'm hanging on even though I know I can't keeping hanging on long enough for her to "come around". I can definitely say with certainty that not having her in the house makes it much easier to deal with the pain - whever she is around me just seeing her and hearing her brings it all back. So I'm glad she's distanced herself, stayed at friends' houses until her apartment was ready, and that we have been using daycare as a point of transfer - this distancing really has made me feel like I've sped along the worst part of this grieving process. I hope you can find a way to get some kind of distancing even as you have to share the place together.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you all. My therapist and friends say he still loves me but he is so prideful and a narcissist to boot that I am unable to reach him. And with my program and therapy, I will one day leave him behind emotionally if we were to stay together.

It just very sad that he let that one incident dictate the rest of lives. I was willing to go to MC, I even was willing to get a bike (never been interested but what the hay..), but this is not happening.

I will try to be civil instead of ignoring and pretending he doesn't exist. There is so much pain between us we can't even look at each other. It's incredible.

One day at a time and if it is meant to be whichever way, I will accept it because therein lies the road to happiness. I won't fight it.

Again, thanks one and all.


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## natasha1983 (Sep 2, 2011)

Hi Everyone, I am going through the same situation as some of you. My husband and I have been separated for more than 3 months now. We still stay together and (Please dont judge me) sleep together on his initiation. I know that he was getting close to a girl at work but thankfully she was let go due to downsizing and left the country as well. So their association did not go further than a few texts and emails thankfully. They communicate on and off but whatever they had seems to have fizzled out due to lack of contact. Since my husband is now working from home we get to spend more time with each other and things seem to have gotten better between us. We have moved from just sleeping together to really talking about his work and watching movies and comedies together. It really is pleasant. I think this is what we needed since our relationship was so whirlwind and we did not get enough time as friends. We are building on that now but I really want more. I am afraid that he has become very comfortable with this FWB arrangement though there has been no move on his part towards a legal separation. I have managed to keep a cheerful, friendly outlook in front of him but I am afraid I might crack soon. I cant imagine being just friends with him forever, and I have been careful never to use the term 'Friends" while referring to us. I am sure that he cares alot for me. I dont want us to separate and I am not ready to date. I have got a lot of advice on dating and moving on but I cant imagine myself with anyone else. I really hate him for throwing it all away and there are times when I just wait for him to leave the house so I can rage and cry alone to my heart's content. He has no idea of my emotional turmoil. He thinks that I have come to an acceptance of everything and I am okay and cool with everything. I still cook for him, do the laundry and clean like I used to. I try not to read much into his increased warmth towards me but It is getting harder day by day. I want him to love me like a wife. We are essentially living like husband and wife right now very peacefully and talking more than we did before the 'separation', even taking care of each other when one of us is not well, but without a 'label' as such. I have a feeling I am going to have a nervous breakdown soon since I have not told anyone out of shame and also because I am a private person. Please advise me on how to get my husband. I love him a lot and am not willing to let go of my marriage. btw I am 29 and he is 34. Thank you all.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Tasha,

So have you guys talked lately about what the future plans are? Mt stbxw just move out a couple weeks ago and we basically lived separated since the first of June....It was very hard for me...

She wanted to just brush everything we had gone through under the rug with out working through any of it and " see how the summer goes " then make a decision on what to do then...It didn't work out so good...I respected our marriage she did not....

I would try to see if he want to work things out and if he is not 1000% on board and willing to give you everything...I would stop doing anything for him...I know it would be hard but you may be enabling him to not commit 100% but acting the way you are...You deserve all of him ..all the time.

I am not saying its right or wrong just be careful..

I hope that makes sense..


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

I highly suggest doing the 180. Don't talk to him unless you have to, work on your own life, make yourself not available to him. Maybe he'll actually start missing you and realizing he DOES want you around and he'll start moving toward YOU when he feels you moving away from HIM.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Yes, the 180 is pretty applicable to this situation.

I'm living with my stbxw in an apartment that we got together four months ago. I can't get away from her. There is weird tip-toeing, suspicious looks, secrets, expectations, and just some real poison around here. I hate it. I wish that I could just go away. But at this juncture we can't just yet.

I'm just so sad and I'm trying to do the 180. But it's so hard when you love so much and you want so much. UGH! I feel pathetic.


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## natasha1983 (Sep 2, 2011)

forever learning said:


> Tasha,
> 
> So have you guys talked lately about what the future plans are? Mt stbxw just move out a couple weeks ago and we basically lived separated since the first of June....It was very hard for me...
> 
> ...


Thank you foreverlearning, I am trying to find the right time to bring it up with him, I am just a little afraid of "Rocking the boat" and ruining the progress we have made. But I know I will have to bring it up soon, maybe after he gets over this busy phase of his work midseptember and is more receptive. And yes, you are right about not enabling him by doing stuff for him. I feel that I need to put him on the spot a little and ask him where he sees this going. If he says that he does'nt want to work on it, I have made plans to move out, so I will automatically stop doing things for him. He has been pleasant so far, because I haven't gone screaming and raving mad over this separation, which would be my natural instinct. Thank you again.


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## natasha1983 (Sep 2, 2011)

wild_irish_rose said:


> I highly suggest doing the 180. Don't talk to him unless you have to, work on your own life, make yourself not available to him. Maybe he'll actually start missing you and realizing he DOES want you around and he'll start moving toward YOU when he feels you moving away from HIM.


You are right, maybe I do need to do the 180, before bringing up the relationship talk or just let him bring it up. But things between us are so pleasant now  ...It really hurts.. Why do people marry if 4 years down the line they are going to wake up, and realize that they dont want to be married anymore and turn into jerks to the one person who loves them the most?? I mean, I am one of those nice people who bends over backwards (reasonably) to accommodate the person I love. I don't love the idea of mind games and playing hard to get. I try to avoid being the source of drama as much as possible. Maybe that is the problem?? Maybe I should have been some sarcastic siren with a penchant for *****iness and ball busting..maybe thats what he secretly wants.  

Oh sorry Irish rose, I just realized your post was in reply to the first poster ..anyway thanks, I am going for the 180 as well.


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## natasha1983 (Sep 2, 2011)

muppetsinspace said:


> Yes, the 180 is pretty applicable to this situation.
> 
> I'm living with my stbxw in an apartment that we got together four months ago. I can't get away from her. There is weird tip-toeing, suspicious looks, secrets, expectations, and just some real poison around here. I hate it. I wish that I could just go away. But at this juncture we can't just yet.
> 
> I'm just so sad and I'm trying to do the 180. But it's so hard when you love so much and you want so much. UGH! I feel pathetic.


I feel you. It really sucks. It was kind of like how you described for me in the beginning. I would encourage you to be your pleasant self and cheerful and continue to behave normally around her. When she talks to you be polite and pleasant. That will make you more attractive to her. Go out with your guy friends and stuff. I dont have the luxury of "Hanging out with the girls" since I am new to the state. Just dont make the mistake like I did of giving too much before you are sure and enabling her as foreverlearning suggested. Best of luck :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Well, I don't have much of a chance to "hang out with the guys" either, as I am new to the state, as well. I am doing 180 and making my best effort, here. She at least has made some new friends. I've decided to make an effort in that by doing some "Meetup" things. It's annoying to realize that I've stranded myself so effectively in this situation.

I'm trying not to give too much, but I also don't want to be a jerk. And I really think that we can have our marriage back. *sigh* But neither of us is going to know that until we get some damn space.


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