# I don't ant to leave-but is it the only answer for me?



## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

On 4/29/2013, my wife finally confessed to cheating on me in the fall of 2000 while on a trip with friends. When she came home, she didn’t have the backbone to tell me, but did treat me like scum, and move out of our house, taking our 3, 4, and 7 year old kids with her. Two weeks later, she moved back in ( at my request). At that time I suspected she had cheated, because she was calling a guy in the town that she had traveled to. I called the guy and ask him if he had slept with my wife, and he said “ I’ll let her answer that.” I felt the answer then, even though she vehemently denied it. 

Well, last April, she found him on FB and started talking to him. When I noticed it on the phone bill, she confessed all. She expected me to get over it immediately, and was very remorseful, and opened up all her life to me. I knew passwords, to every account she had and she understood my need for accountability. She refused to go to MC, but I went for year.
I have battled the urge for revenge cheating. I have rebuilt my destroyed self-esteem, and I honestly think I have forgiven her. I have tried to act as the father to the prodigal son, but often act as the brother. 

The past week I have been really down, and often fighting the recurring thoughts of their “togetherness”, and even searching the guy up on google.

I have read on here (as a visiting non-member) that healing takes time. The pain will lessen over time, and that none of this is my fault. I truly want this marriage to work, and I am eager to find a way that this will become a testimony to God’s magnificent grace; but, my issue is that during these past few days, I am wondering if divorce is the only way for me to shake myself from it all.*

Can someone please give me words of encouragement to stay?* 

We have been married for 22 years.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Is your wife remorseful?? I mean, TRULY remorseful?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Encouragement needs to come from her, in words and deeds.

She destroyed your marital vows, and must take the lead in any reconciling. If she is not whole-heartedly trying to rebuild, I'd say there little to be encouraged about.

Sad to say, this doesn't seem to be the case. She won't even go to counseling? Sheesh. She probably truly thinks it was all your fault. You didn't fulfill her needs.

When one party gets it into her head that the only reason the marriage exists is so her needs must be fulfilled, things are way out of whack.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did your wife refuse MC?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Soooo... Is your wife still in contact w/ this guy?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Cheating with no consequences leads to more cheating. I personally will never recommend people reconciling but I do understand there are people that have been successful it I just think the odds of it being successful is slim. 

Sorry your going through this. If it took her this long there is probably others you do not know about as well. 

Clay


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Like mentioned above, your wife needs to help you heal through all this based on what she did.

There is a book/list that people recommend on here called "surviving an affair" which might be good to look into.

Bottom line is, your wife messed up all on her own. The marriage issues (if any) are 50% each but the cheating is all on her.

She will need to help you get over it...and rug sweeping won't do it.

Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Supossedly, 30-35% of couples reconcile. Another authority claims if the husband cheats, 45% of couple reconcile. My poor math, using those two numbers, figures if a wife cheats, only about 17% of couples reconcile.

Her not wanting to do MC seems to indicate she doesn't care one way or the other.

Why were they vacationing in that town.

When she friended him on facebook I would have filed for divorce. How did she explain that move?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

So she kept her cheating a secret for 13 years?

She angrily denied everything all that time and often treated you like crap afterwards.

Then, last year she slipped up in her deception and remade contact with this POS, so FINALLY she admitted what you have known all along.

But she won't go to MC and has essentially tried to rugsweep the A and treat it as part of the distant past.

Why are you even trying to save this M?

She is obviously doing nothing to save it


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sawlog said:


> *
> 
> Can someone please give me words of encouragement to stay?*
> 
> We have been married for 22 years.


I am a BH from my wife's long term EA. DD was over 7 years ago. Our full recovery took over 3.5 years to complete. The story is sickied in Reconciliation. Tossing in the towel crossed my mind many times as that was by far the most difficult time of my life. It changed me in some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. It emotionally broke me down to the core and to a place I had never traveled before, that very dark place. I rededicated my commitment to my marriage and my family. We both worked hard to recover a very damaged marriage. Parts of it we had to rebuild from the foundation. In the end we survived and thrived as a couple. I don't regret one ounce of anxiety, anger, tears or pain we endured. It was all part of the process of recovery and I'm glad we were able come out of it happily with each other. As I tell many struggling with reconciliation. If you are both doing all you can to save it, don't leave anything in the tank.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couple's counselling.

But your wife needs to learn to see it from your perspective.

It's not good. Not good at all.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your wife does not seem remorseful and is still actively engaged with her lover thru f-book.

I have no words of encouragement at this point. I would do 180, for myself. The last 14 years of your marriage have been a joke and she made you the butt of that joke.

Can it be salvaged? If she is remorseful and willing to put in the work, then yes. Sadly, that is not the case.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

It's probably very unlikely that she has cut off contact, I would start going truly covert, she'll slip up and you'll find she's still contacting this guy and probably meeting him. Women NEVER just cut ties immediately when caught, they cry, say all the right things, but turn right around and text, call, screw the same guy, wash rinse repeat. Typically the only way it stops is the guy doesn't want the baggage and tells her it's over, THEN she comes crawling back to plan B.

Sorry to be a Debbie downer but from all the men I've known whose wive's have had an affair it's been that way. She's probably been having an off/on physical and emotional affair with this guy for 14 years of your marriage, making basically your entire marriage a complete joke. I wouldn't forgive something that went on that long and was that deceitful, especially since she refuses marriage counseling.


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## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

*I hope all of you can follow this, My replies are in bold.* 

Is your wife remorseful?? I mean, TRULY remorseful?
*Yes, I believe she is. I have seen the tears, heard the apologies, and seem the change in personality.*

Encouragement needs to come from her, in words and deeds.
She destroyed your marital vows, and must take the lead in any reconciling. If she is not whole-heartedly trying to rebuild, I'd say there little to be encouraged about.

Sad to say, this doesn't seem to be the case. She won't even go to counseling? Sheesh. She probably truly thinks it was all your fault. You didn't fulfill her needs

When one party gets it into her head that the only reason the marriage exists is so her needs must be fulfilled, things are way out of whack.

*She realizes it is her fault. She wants to tell our 21 year old daughter so she want ever stoop so low as to cheat on her husband.*

Why did your wife refuse MC?
*Because of the “how did that make you feel” questions, the expense, and the fact that a decent counselor is over 60 miles away. I can leave my job easily to attend sessions. She is a teacher, and cannot get to the counselor during open hours*

Soooo... Is your wife still in contact w/ this guy?
*OOPS- no. that was stopped shortly after she confessed.*
Sorry your going through this. If it took her this long there is probably others you do not know about as well.
*There may be, but I don’t think so. I have watched the bills like a hawk since 2000. Talk about tired!*

Like mentioned above, your wife needs to help you heal through all this based on what she did….She will need to help you get over it...and rug sweeping won't do it.
*Bad communication on my part here. She is willing to do ANYTHING I ask now. Does a pretty good job of healing me, affirmations, and the whole 9 yards.*

Why were they vacationing in that town.
*It’s the home of the “most wonderful place on Earth”. A resort town.*

When she friended him on facebook I would have filed for divorce. How did she explain that move?
*She said she was lonely, when she friended him, I confronted her, she spilled the beans. Said he told her I should know.*

So she kept her cheating a secret for 13 years?
She angrily denied everything all that time and often treated you like crap afterwards.
Then, last year she slipped up in her deception and remade contact with this POS, so FINALLY she admitted what you have known all along.
But she won't go to MC and has essentially tried to rugsweep the A and treat it as part of the distant past.
Why are you even trying to save this M?
*Because I made a vow before my God "for better or for worse." He hates divorce, and I am trying to fulfill my vow.*

She is obviously doing nothing to save it.
*She is. I just can’t let go of the recurring thoughts. And wonder if divorce is the only way to put all this behind me.*

I am a BH from my wife's long term EA. DD was over 7 years ago. Our full recovery took over 3.5 years to complete. The story is sickied in Reconciliation. Tossing in the towel crossed my mind many times as that was by far the most difficult time of my life. It changed me in some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. It emotionally broke me down to the core and to a place I had never traveled before, that very dark place. I rededicated my commitment to my marriage and my family. We both worked hard to recover a very damaged marriage. Parts of it we had to rebuild from the foundation. In the end we survived and thrived as a couple. I don't regret one ounce of anxiety, anger, tears or pain we endured. It was all part of the process of recovery and I'm glad we were able come out of it happily with each other. As I tell many struggling with reconciliation. If you are both doing all you can to save it, don't leave anything in the tank.
*Thanks, much! I think we are, but I just freaking HURT.*

It's probably very unlikely that she has cut off contact, I would start going truly covert, she'll slip up and you'll find she's still contacting this guy and probably meeting him. Women NEVER just cut ties immediately when caught, they cry, say all the right things, but turn right around and text, call, screw the same guy, wash rinse repeat. Typically the only way it stops is the guy doesn't want the baggage and tells her it's over, THEN she comes crawling back to plan B.
*He lives 20 hours away. I have passwords to all accounts, She is not contacting anyone.
*


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sawlog;9912130
Why did your wife refuse MC?
[B said:


> Because of the “how did that make you feel” questions, the expense, and the fact that a decent counselor is over 60 miles away. I can leave my job easily to attend sessions. She is a teacher, and cannot get to the counselor during open hours[/B]


I'd like to call BS on this one. There are counselors closer than 60 miles away and some that work evenings.

Tough beans that the questions would make her uncomfortable.

If i were you i would insist on MC and make it a priority or the marriage has no chance of continuing.

Line in the sand time.

If she can make time for cheating she can make time for MC, IMHO.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Sawlog said:


> *I hope all of you can follow this, My replies are in bold.*
> 
> Is your wife remorseful?? I mean, TRULY remorseful?
> *Yes, I believe she is. I have seen the tears, heard the apologies, and seem the change in personality.*
> ...


Frankly, I think you're heading for "rug sweeping - part 2"
I would never do it, it doesn't really need to anything good, IMO, but if you feel alright doing it...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sawlog said:


> *Because I made a vow before my God "for better or for worse." He hates divorce, and I am trying to fulfill my vow.*




Your youngest child must be around 17 y.o. So, you can't say you're staying for the kids.

I note, instead, that you are staying for God. You do know that in both the old and new Testaments, God did allow divorces, right? I think a divorce is much better than stoning of the old Testament.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Any chance she might be hiding a "burner phone?" From what I've read on this site, there seems to always be a way to communicate secretly if that's what they want to do. And remember adultery is definitely grounds for divorce according to the Bible. There would be no shame before God if you went that route.


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## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

As for as counselors, I spent 2 hours on the phone looking for after hours counselors to no avail.

And, yes, I understand that I "may" divorce her. But the way I interpret Scripture, I am to forgive. I am also to love her "Christ loves the Church." Therefore, I am not ready to turn my back on her. I attempt (poorly most times) to lead by example. My role model in this whole thing has been the father of the prodigal son.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Sawlog said:


> As for as counselors, I spent 2 hours on the phone looking for after hours counselors to no avail.
> 
> And, yes, I understand that I "may" divorce her. But the way I interpret Scripture, I am to forgive. I am also to love her "Christ loves the Church." Therefore, I am not ready to turn my back on her. I attempt (poorly most times) to lead by example. My role model in this whole thing has been the father of the prodigal son.


Looks like you already decided what you want to do. What are you looking for then? 
Someone to tell you it's the right thing to do? If you think it is then it is to you...
I'm not gonna tell you it is for me, anyway


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## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

Sawlog said:


> On 4/29/2013,
> 
> Can someone please give me words of encouragement to stay?[/B]
> 
> ...


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Oh mercy, this is right up the alley of so many of us here.

Wives that just have to go out and screw up everything for basically no good reason other than their ego needs a boost, or they just have to call all the shots.

Then, it doesn't turn out so good after all. They had it all, and were just too self centered to realize it. They are so ashamed. They were immature. OM was such a jerk, it was such a stupid thing to do.

Now, its back to the real man in their life to fix things. She gets to cry and feel ashamed, and husband has to choose between two options: divorce or living with a soiled wife. Doesn't want either, but he gets no choice. She saw to that, huh? She fixed things so that you've got NO option that doesn't ruin you for life.

As you can see, I hate it as much as you do. Who would want either option, really? 

Then, you've got the added smackdown of the possibility of missing out on a good chunk of your children's lives. All because she thought something was missing.

As for the Christianity angle; yes, forgiveness figures into things. However, you do NOT have to continue a marriage to an adulteress, unless you so choose.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Sawlog said:


> *
> He lives 20 hours away. I have passwords to all accounts, She is not contacting anyone.
> *


*

It's a puddle jump plane ride to meet her for lunch, travel in the area, or maybe he simply lives a lot closer than she admits? Work email, pre-pay phone, there's a million ways to contact each other.

From my experience and most everyone else's the cheating wife almost never cuts ties so easily, she loves him and has not been in love with you probably for a very long time. Women are typically different cheaters than men, men are content to remain married for 40 years while randomly seeing a lover for sex only, typically by the time a wife is physical she has basically already mentally replaced you and its been ages since she looked at you with any desire as a sexual mate. She may cry, pine about how sorry she is, but so close to catching her, plus she is reaching out to him again? Odds are she never cut contact and won't anytime soon. It's probably not over...



Forest said:



As for the Christianity angle; yes, forgiveness figures into things. However, you do NOT have to continue a marriage to an adulteress, unless you so choose.

Click to expand...

Yeah, even Jesus left the door open for divorce if she cheats...*


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It is your choice. If you have trouble with your choice after 14 years, perhaps you made the wrong choice.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Sawlog said:


> Sawlog said:
> 
> 
> > On 4/29/2013,
> ...


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

IF she is as remorseful as you say she is, she would be pulling hen's teeth to see a MC with you. 

Not able to take time out of a working day to go?  How come millions of others manage to do so? That's just a big time excuse, that's all that is.

Sorry, she should be pulling out all the stops and tripping over herself in her eagerness to help you recover. 

I don't see true remorse here and I think that's why you are struggling.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Sawlog said:


> When she friended him on facebook I would have filed for divorce. How did she explain that move?
> *She said she was lonely, when she friended him, I confronted her, she spilled the beans. Said he told her I should know.*
> 
> So she kept her cheating a secret for 13 years?
> ...


I think the part in red is very telling. She confessed because he told her to, not because she loves you or wanted to do the right thing. She obeyed her man, and that man is not you.

You are using Christianity as an excuse to avoid facing what you know you should be facing. She lied to you for 13 years and only stopped lying because her man told her to. You are technically legally married to her but her actions are telling you that you are not her husband, you're the guy she lets support her. Let me point it out to you again. _She lied to you for 13 years and only told you the truth because her man told her to._


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

It's about respect. Whatever the problem was she made up in her mind to give her body to a scumbag. Pure and simple. Selfish is high on th list. She carried that crap, which she held on to, wore a whole in her gut, treated you like garbage, because you didn't take out the garbage. Whatever, at this point you need to treat this like it happened yesterday and 180 the he!! out of her. There is a link to it.

Don't drink, if you do it will make it worse, alcohol is a depressant. Try and eat, it's hard, we all know. Brother your going to have to gut up, to get through this. Average, I say again average three years. She doesn't want to pony up the details and be prepared to hand over passwords to everything! Fine, dump D papers on her, see what happens. 

Good people, who do good things, take care of a family father to their children, husband to their wives. Shouldn't get played like this. Your going to have to nuke it and pick up the broken pieces. If you R, then she better be doing the heavy lifting. Good luck. Btw if you do leave you can and will find someone who gives a damn about you and your feelings, we may be guys but we get hurt just like everyone else, because we are human!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sawlog said:


> As for as counselors, I spent 2 hours on the phone looking for after hours counselors to no avail.
> 
> And, yes, I understand that I "may" divorce her. But the way I interpret Scripture, I am to forgive. I am also to love her "Christ loves the Church." Therefore, I am not ready to turn my back on her. I attempt (poorly most times) to lead by example. My role model in this whole thing has been the father of the prodigal son.


Some counsellors offer phone/Skype/online counselling.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

You keep using the scripture as a reason not to divorce, and I have to wonder why? Have you never heard of the Ten Commandments? I think adultery is mentioned in there somewhere, and God grants that as a reason for divorce.

Now, I'm not suggesting this as a course of action. I'm just saying you should quit using the bible and your perception of God's word (and the bible's) as an excuse not to divorce on these grounds if that's what you really want to do.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Sawlog said:


> Sawlog said:
> 
> 
> > On 4/29/2013,
> ...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sawlog said:


> As for as counselors, I spent 2 hours on the phone looking for after hours counselors to no avail.
> 
> And, yes, I understand that I "may" divorce her. But the way I interpret Scripture, I am to forgive. I am also to love her "Christ loves the Church." Therefore, I am not ready to turn my back on her. I attempt (poorly most times) to lead by example. My role model in this whole thing has been the father of the prodigal son.


 Well you know that I respect your view on religion but that's me. 

Your problem is that your wife doesn't seem to hold the same views on marriage that you do and there lies the problem.

Whether she likes it or not, she need to see a MC more than you do and your the only one that can make her move off of square one. If she says no because of her job then you tell her to find a way to make it work and for the BOTH OF YOU to go. 

Just remember this. She cheated and it's up to her to make it right not with just lip service and making your favorite supper. She needs to address her problem and find a solution as to why it happened and to prevent it from happening again. She does, not you, so wake up and get her going with you or this problem will be with you until your a little old man.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

You're being played like a fiddle.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Healer said:


> You're being played like a fiddle.


Even Catholics can part, but they call it annulment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

OP, I won't debate religion with you, but I will caution against using it to keep yourself from being honest with yourself. Adultery IS biblical grounds to divorce. You can quibble with that if you wish.

Still, if you are not honest with your feelings and actions, you may ruin all of your lives when you can't get past issues that you buried in the name of religion and they erupt.

Follow your faith and its tenets as you find them, but be aware that your heart and emotions are gonna be real and will demand to be heard.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

After 24 yrs of M there is a bigger picture for us then the crap we did to each other when we were young and dumb.

Today we are different people, and plan to grow old together.

We both have a lot a of grace and with that comes forgiveness. The both of you need to face this old crap head on and face it together and learn from it.

If the both of you are now meeting each others needs well then who gives a phuck about the past....but in the same breath that sh1t needs to be address.

I think for me and Mrs. the-guy, the Lord has a purpose...cuz he sure gave us some trials and tribullations back in the day.

Hell me and the old lady went trough some crap back in the day, we sure as hell aren't going to have gone thru all the past crap for not.

Again the both of you need to face this head on and deal, learn and prevent it from happening again.

I guess in our case we were so bad there was no were to go but up...and I believe even tough we brought our selves to that point it was God that got me out of slapping my old lady around and her to stop screwing around...and all the other bad sh1t in between that we did so many years ago.....

Hell my marriage didn't start getting fun until after our 20 yr anni and now 4 years later were empty nesters walking around the house naked.

Granted me and the old lady were really toxic so my experience may not help you, but the big picture now is growing old together and waiting for grand babies.....

That's my $0.02


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Or

You can bail on your chick and find another one that will screw around on you even worse.

That make it now $0.04


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sawlog said:


> As for as counselors, I spent 2 hours on the phone looking for after hours counselors to no avail.
> 
> And, yes, I understand that I "may" divorce her. But the way I interpret Scripture, I am to forgive. I am also to love her "Christ loves the Church." Therefore, I am not ready to turn my back on her. I attempt (poorly most times) to lead by example. My role model in this whole thing has been the father of the prodigal son.


No offense to your religion, but this is hogwash. What about God wanting you to help yourself, and CHANGE your life so you stop being her doormat and waiting for God to make you feel better?

God also wants you to be the leader of your family, not the follower.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Sawlog said:


> On 4/29/2013, my wife finally confessed to cheating on me in the fall of 2000 while on a trip with friends. When she came home, she didn’t have the backbone to tell me, but did treat me like scum, and move out of our house, taking our 3, 4, and 7 year old kids with her. Two weeks later, she moved back in ( at my request). At that time I suspected she had cheated, because she was calling a guy in the town that she had traveled to. I called the guy and ask him if he had slept with my wife, and he said “ I’ll let her answer that.” I felt the answer then, even though she vehemently denied it.
> 
> Well, last April, she found him on FB and started talking to him. When I noticed it on the phone bill, she confessed all. She expected me to get over it immediately, and was very remorseful, and opened up all her life to me. I knew passwords, to every account she had and she understood my need for accountability. She refused to go to MC, but I went for year.
> I have battled the urge for revenge cheating. I have rebuilt my destroyed self-esteem, and I honestly think I have forgiven her. I have tried to act as the father to the prodigal son, but often act as the brother.
> ...



STAY?!?! She left the marriage. You don't have to stay.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> No offense to your religion, but this is hogwash. What about God wanting you to help yourself, and CHANGE your life so you stop being her doormat and waiting for God to make you feel better?
> 
> God also wants you to be the leader of your family, not the follower.


Worth repeating!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

She said she friended him because she was lonely last year?

So you know why she reestablished contact.

What reason has she given for why she decided to betray HER vows 13 years ago AND then continue to lie to you and deceive you for and additional 12 years?

Without some satisfactory answers to these questions, I don't see how you can decide if this M is worth saving, regardless of your feelings on the matter.

If her vows meant so little to her, and she can't explain why to you, then I think you will never be able to heal.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Oh, I forgo to add this. Something seems seriously untrue about her story. 13 years ago she cheated, then left you and then nothing until she looks him up on FB? What was going on for 13 years? No contact for THAT long?! Why look him up after so much time? It does not flow. Either more contact and they just got sloppy or perhaps she's a serial cheater with others. 

Also, don't do revenge cheating. You will not find peace with that. 

Finally, I don't think a new woman is gonna be a guaranteed cheater. Some guys are good at picking broken women and vice versa. 

I would take each question separately. Do you want this marriage, first. Then address your next steps. 13 years of so called fidelity only to pick up with the same guy tells me that she is good at deceiving you and still is deceiving you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From all I've read, it takes 2-5 years to recovery from infidelity. You are only 1 year out. You have bad days still. Hopefully the good days will get to be more and more.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So the lesson,
if you are lying...lie about it for long enough


I think you won't leave her even if she cheats again. 

What was she talking to this guy about ? Did you read the texts ?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Sawlog

You have been married for 22 years. You obviously still love your wife.

Your gut told you for 13 years that your wife cheated on you. IMHO that was your time to divorce her and move on.

Your wife was obviously ashamed of what she did.

You are mad/hurt that it took 13 years to get a confession.

If you both love each other and want a better marriage then why would you quit now?

Sure you can divorce her as punishment for cheating. But in the end if you love each other and still want a future together what would that Divorce really prove to you or your wife?

Make a plan. Give yourself a date in your head a year from now. 

Tell your wife honestly how you feel about her and what you need from her and yourself to make this work.

Only you know the date in your head.

Do everything possible to make your marriage work with your wife's help.

If you get to that date and you still feel like you need o Divorce then make that decision on that day.

Good Luck

HM


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Was it really love when living in suspicion the last 13 to 14 years?


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## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

the guy said:


> Today we are different people, and plan to grow old together.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You seem to understand where we are at. She isn't cheating now. She confessed, repented, and I forgave. Heck, I wake up everyday and realize that I have to forgive people (especially a 17 yo son that is just like me).

It just freaking hurts still, and I want the hurt to go away.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Hi OP. I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through. Your commitment to honor God's Word is encouraging to read. I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you today. May His wisdom and strength be yours. Hang in there!


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## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Sawlog
> 
> You have been married for 22 years. You obviously still love your wife.
> 
> ...


Happyman64,

Those goals are what works best for me. My first goal was 30 days. My second goal was not to make a decision about D for 1 year. At that time my decision was to postpone the decision. I didn't set a new date for the decision to be made. Seems like I enjoy having that option "in my pocket". I am now thinking that I need to set a date for a decision, and if I stay, then the option for D over this comes out of the pocket and is thrown away. 

Everybody that took the time to reply,

Thanks for your replies/opinions. I read and weighed everyone of them.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Feel free to update from time to time. Here is to hoping, brother.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you going to IC?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Sawlog said:


> You seem to understand where we are at. She isn't cheating now. She confessed, repented, and I forgave. Heck, I wake up everyday and realize that I have to forgive people (especially a 17 yo son that is just like me).
> 
> It just freaking hurts still, and I want the hurt to go away.


And therein lies the dilemma. The hurt won't go away. It'll numb over time...a long time. Years. But right now, it'll still hurt.

The "gift"/burden you're wife has given you is you need to make a choice...EVERYDAY...sometimes MULTIPLE TIMES PER DAY...whether or not your marriage to her is worth that pain.

If it is...then you need to thrown the burden on your back and keep trudging. If it isn't....then you know what you have to do there.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Saw, 
I get that you forgave, etc., but I guess the question is why was she looking him up 13 years later? You see, repentance is not the same as apologizing. You said she "repented", but if she is going back to looking him up and reaching out, then it seems your real issue is not your ability to forgive, it is whether she actually repented.

You seem to have been genuine in your forgiveness, which is great. forgiving someone does not take away the pain that you feel, but it affects how you move forward. It is an act that is totally about you. You are called upon to forgive. I get it.

Divorce, is not punishment. It is an act that solemnizes ones status. You did not reward your wife by marrying her, you did not reward her by forgiving her, nor did you reward her by staying married. Divorce is not punishing her for cheating 13 years ago. Its not punishing her for looking the guy up and reaching out recently. It is simply an acknowledgment that the vows of your marriage were breached and thus no longer binding. Marriage is a contract and like all contracts, if one side breaches, the other is not bound to the terms as that would be unjust and can move to have the contract declared void. It does not negate events that transpired during the contract, it just acknowledges that those terms are no longer in effect, hence divorced.

If you are doing this due to emotion, then wait cause feelings are like the weather, they will change and intensify or dissipate depending upon a lot of factors. If you are questioning whether to remain bound, on your end, to the terms of your vows due to proof that your wife is once again breaching or planning to breach her vows, then that is different. 

I see two issues, first, did she truly repent or did she just conceal and act sorry. Secondly, do you think it is worthwhile to trust that she will honor her part of the bargain. I feel for you, but in light of this 13 year reconnecting with her AP on the sly, I think it is just a matter of time before you get betrayed again and ultimately lose your faith altogether. Good luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I think life is about choices. As I understand it, Sawlog has decided to stay in his marriage and spend the rest of his days living with his wife's infidelity and his mental anguish.

In the end it's still his choice.


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## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

aug said:


> i think life is about choices. As i understand it, sawlog has decided to stay in his marriage and spend the rest of his days living with his wife's infidelity and his mental anguish.
> 
> In the end it's still his choice.


ouch!


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## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

turnera said:


> Are you going to IC?


I haven't been since June. I probably will go back for a "booster" as the counselor called it.


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## Sawlog (Aug 7, 2014)

bigfoot said:


> Saw, I see two issues, first, did she truly repent or did she just conceal and act sorry. Secondly, do you think it is worthwhile to trust that she will honor her part of the bargain. I feel for you, but in light of this 13 year reconnecting with her AP on the sly, I think it is just a matter of time before you get betrayed again and ultimately lose your faith altogether. Good luck.


I would say yes, she did truly repent. I think she it is worthwhile to trust her again. As far as another betrayal goes, that is my line in the sand.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know, you are allowed to change what you need. Change your mind. You're allowed to tell her that you're coming to realize that you need more from her, that you aren't just getting over it like you've been pretending, that you wanted a better marriage than this. Ask her how she thinks that can happen. 

btw, have you two read His Needs Her Needs together? I would do that next.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Your marriage became a fraud the minute she stepped out. She lied about it for over 10 years. She tried to cheat again as this guy has been on her mind for over 10 years. You just happened to catch her. 

These actions say a lot about her. The message you send to her that you'll settle on being cuckolded and forgive her says a lot too. 

I'm not a fan of R after infidelity. If your marital understanding was exclusive sexual intimacy with only each other in the boundaries of your marriage, then she broke the contract (legally, that's what a marriage is). If you don't mind your wife has been with other men and lied about it, then R is possible. You will be living in a fear based reality. Every guy that enters her life is a threat. Every new FB contact, every time she goes to the store. Every trip away. 

HL


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, you say you want encouragement. The best I can do is to say that I believe it could be worked through if both of you commit to the process of true R completely. 

However, if one of you is not willing to do so, you can only have another round of rug sweeping which will only lead to more of the same anguish and pain and not healing.

Based on your descriptions, I do not believe that your wife is willing to put the effort in to an actual R. Her reaching back out to her lover because she was lonely is telling. Best case scenario, she was actively shopping for an affair to start up again. Worst case, you just discovered a well hidden long term affair.

Either way, you are looking for hope in a bad situation. I get that part. Your best bet is probably to do a hard 180 for yourself and to re-evaluate your position and what you want.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP Posted

"Like mentioned above, your wife needs to help you heal through all this based on what she did….She will need to help you get over it...and rug sweeping won't do it.
Bad communication on my part here. She is willing to do ANYTHING I ask now. Does a pretty good job of healing me, affirmations, and the whole 9 yards."

You know where the term *"the whole 9 yards"* comes from right?

55


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Please stop telling us about your wife and how she has become so wondrous----she cheated on you physically, and then cheated on you for 13 MORE YEARS BY REFUSAL AND OMMISSION---and if I read right----SHE ONLY "OUTED" HERSELF CUZ HER LOVER TOLD HER TO DO SO, so if she had, had her own way, you still would not know the REAL TRUTH.

Is that really what you want in a partner---she is a horrible mother, and certainly a horrible teacher, for a GOOD mother and teacher would not cheat and then hide it----she a cheater/liar/manipulator, has been given the lives of young children to mold----sad state of affairs for the school district she is in

You state she is now all in, as to the mge, and the family. What exactly have you given her as consequences, what have you done to take away her nice cushy lifestyle, she had pre-affair-----have you asked for a POST--NUP-----if not, why not----what makes you think at some point when the same situation arises in her minds eye----SHE WILL NOT CHEAT AGAIN----in all reality, she is back in everyones good graces, and what price has she really paid----if there are NO CONSEQUENCES, AND ACCOUNTABILITY, THIS TIME----SHE WILL KNOW SHE CAN CHEAT AGAIN, AS YOU HAVE REALLY DONE NOT VERY MUCH ABOUT WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO YOU AND THE FAMILY, except some lip service, and an alleged line drawn in the sand---but I am willing to be, over the last 13 yrs, there were many lines drawn in the sand---and it looks like she has crossed ALL OF THEM.

Also have your children been told of their so called mother's 13 yr. affair----Once again---it IS , 13 yrs cuz your were lied to for 13 yrs, its all part of the same ballgame.

What was done to you and the family was not a quick little PA----but a long 13 year drawn out affair, where you came home night after night, she looked you square in the eyes, and said to you, everything was great---our mge is fine, and we are good----when IT WAS ALL LIES

You will obviously do what you need to do, as far as your life goes----

--let me tell you this----it will not go away---it may sit on the back burner, as long as you work, and the kids are actively involved with you----but there will come a time, when you are both retired, the kids are out on their own, and you are down to relying on friends/hobbies/puttering around the house/going to sports events/activities---TO FILL YOUR LIFE----TO FILL YOUR LONG DAYS-----these things do not so much fill your days----what fills your days is that you have OH SO MUCH TIME TO THINK----you have 24/7/365----and believe me you DO think----and the thoughts of what she did to you---WILL RETURN, and they WILL NOT LEAVE--------that may lessen if you are not still with her---but if you ARE still with her----SHE WILL TRIGGER THOSE THOTS AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN.

You have a hard decision to make----when you make it----DO NOT MAKE IT BASED JUST ON NOW, AND THE NEAR FUTURE----make it based on the fact that you will live to possibly 90 years old-----and you will have lots of time to think about every aspect of your life-----YOU NEED TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, BASED ON THE FACT, THAT YOU WILL LIVE TILL YOU ARE POSSIBLY 90, and not based on living just the next few years. 

Think long and hard on what you do-------your level of MISERY DEPENDS ON IT.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

SL, I realize that 20 plus years of being that rock, life partner, father, husband etc.. Is a difficult to walk away from. Lot of folks here have 20 like yourself. IMHO, its hard for me or a few others, to give you reasons to stay. That is your relationship, so I can offer perspective, or avenues to deal, cope etc.. If you want to keep the relationship and you see that it can work and you are still in love with that person you met 20 years ago, then by all means "R". But here is "my" opinion. This person has betrayed you in the worst way. Trust, gone, Forsaking all others, gone. Doubt is everywhere for you. Your wife needs to move mountains, to help you through this, not the other way. 180, follow it to a tee. This is for you not her. She needs to have a clear idea what she is losing.

In the end and to answer your question why stay. For me you have to look at the bigger picture and bottom line, will you be happy and can you trust her. Those questions can be answered, but it will take a long time. You have to be strong rough road ahead. Keep coming here, you will have the support of people on this forum, because we have been right where you are. For me, it was a whole lotta hurt. Good luck.


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