# My story



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Have been married just over 10 years. We have 3 children aged 9, 7 & 4. The youngest was born in 2006 with heart problems & has had 3 open heart surgeries & many months in the hospital. It has been incredibly stressful for us, emotionally & financially. I quit my job when he was diagnosed when I was 7 months pregnant. Our health insurance terminated his coverage after a week as it had capped out (@ 1.3 million). So medical debt was massive. Stressful doesn't even begin to describe it. 

Anyway, my husband had a hard time dealing with the stress & started to drink to deal with it. He steadily progressed from 4 beers a night to 6 to 8 to 10 or so. Every night. I talked to him about it, but he never wanted to admit he had a problem. I did let it go as I didnt want to be nagging him all the time & then make it worse, and tried to get him to do things like go to the gym more or go out with friends to get a break. Which he never did. He became more negative & drank & smoked more. He actually became pretty depressing to be around. And yes, looking back, I didnt like talking to him as he'd drag me down into his depressing mood too. 

I started going to nursing school in 2008. I guess it was my way of dealing with stress - it gave me something constructive to keep my mind occupied. 

Our son had a stroke at the beginning of november last year. He luckily recovered really well & is doing wonderfully now. I ended up failing the class I was in at the time & looking back realized I should have withdrawn when it happened as it was too much to deal with. 

My husband got really wierd around Christmas, very distant & just off. He didnt want to talk to me until I hounded him. Then he told me he thought I had been having an affair. You could have knocked me over with a feather. And he said he had been talking to somebody at work about us & all our problems. Swears it never went further. (I do doubt that, but think if he were having an affair he'd look a bit better than he does now - he looks like hell) So we had a good talk & decided we would work on the issues (he felt I was not around enough, which yes fair to say I was pretty distracted with the kid being ill & school stress) So we decided to go to counseling, & I would switch to day classes at my school which would mean I would be home at night & around more. That was Monday. 

That weekend, he left saturday morning & didnt come home until sunday afternoon. i had no idea where he was. He texted me "Am in bar in east hampton, be home real late, give kids a kiss for me, love ya, battery going dead." Sent it to me at midnight but it didnt come thru until 11am next day (guess because he was in such a hurry to turn his phone off...) Now I dont know when he's been in a bar last, it was like he went right off the deep end. 

so yeah we had a huge fight when he came back, he decided it was best for him to move out & he said he would sort out an apartment where he works. I asked him what happened to the last time we talked & we decided to work things out, he said he had time to think about things more. 

So he told the kids & left the next day. We had our 1st counseling session that week where he admitted he might be an alcoholic & said he had made an appt with somebody to talk about that. He said he resented the time I had given the kids, especially the youngest. That killed me to hear that, the kid was at deaths door for a long time & despite how well he is doing now, he is still pretty unstable medically. 

He cancelled last weeks session because of snow, and this weeks one because he got stuck at work. We have an appt on Monday (fun way to spend valentines day huh?) which hopefully he will get to. He still hasnt made it to an appt to talk about his drinking. I think he is depressed, he has not talked to his family, or any of his friends.


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

wow...just wow..you are a Saint!!! 

I am an alcoholic, did not admit it until my wife left...still fighting it, more good days than bad...but I would have never, ever addressed it if my wife hadn't left...we discussed it constantly, I promised to do better...offered bandaides to fix a seeping wonud...she had to move out for me to admit it...

Your separated, and still he has problems admitting his drinking problems...I'd cut him off of any contact except for kid issues or other manditory stuff...I'd cancel marriage counseling until he has dealt with his drinking issues...it's all a bandaid for him, to placate you so he can still drink...I know, I've been doing it for years...

go to counseling for yourself, take care of the kids...heal what you can, but tell him until he can be sober for a set amount of time, you are done...

at least that is what i would tell my wife to do...


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Saintly - doubtful LOL, especially at the times when I'd like to kneecap him... But thank you all the same!

I think you are right with the bandaid bit, thanks for your input, its good to hear other views, especially from men.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I am so sorry to hear all you have been through. I have two kids with chronic conditions and I know how it will stress you financially,emotionally and physically. 

It also takes a huge toll on a marraige. My hubby comes from a alcoholic home and when things get too stressed out,he begins to drink. Last year, I made him aware of his behavior. Now he drinks only when he goes out with his brother. No matter how much I scream and yell,he says I won't drink a lot and he ends up drunk. It frustrates me to no end. 

I have to ask, do you hold a resentment when you are taking care of your son and other kids and your hubby does not or choses not to help out physically or emotionally? This can also effect how you communicate with your hubby. I am sure this is not your first fight with him, so does it really do any good to yell at him? I did not find this helpful either. It made me have a temporary release, but I held it in and resented later.

First, get your hubby into an alcoholic program. Go talk to your teachers, sometimes,if you explain the situation and with all the medical, you can get them to let you make up or redo the work and they can do a grade change. That will keep you on track. Once you are going, get into counseling wether you do it for yourself or with the hubby. Right now, I imagine hubby is not capable of handling much and needs to work on himself. If money is tight, check with the local catholic charities,the have real therapists(don't go to a priest) and they can help you with food, rent, and therapy. This can relieve the burden a little off of you until hubby can get on track.

Keep in mind if hubby is drinking, no conversation can be held as accountable. His thinking is distorted even if he is sober. That is why he thought you were. Cheating. Take care of you while he is getting the help he needs. I have been in this for twelve years and married eighteen. If you don't take care of yourself, you will end up sizzling yourself out fast. 

Hang in there, and keep in touch. I know it is hard. Get some rest too,you deserve it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Thanks tamara. I have no resentment against my husband. I had no idea things were bad enough for him that he wanted to bail out. My son is doing really well now & you'd never know there was anything wrong with him to look at him. If anything, when I get down or upset I allow a few moments to get it out & then I get on with things. So past fights are over & done with once they are made up, but for my husband he holds onto grudges. He started bringing up things from 10 years ago when we were 1st married. I grew up in Ireland, & all my family are there. He told me he resented the fact that I went back to visit them - gave me the whole "I paid for your dang plane ticket" bit. I was so taken aback, just couldnt believe he would resent me going to see my parents & my sister (who is autistic & can never come over to the states to visit me). But I guess, as you say, a drunk is never reasonable.

My teachers are no help. You do poorly on a test & there is no making it up. I am on my last chance now because of failing last semester & if I fail this one I am out, even though I've put 3 years in & only have 1 to go. So am trying to focus on this one & not loose all that work, which is hard with all this stuff going on. 

Thank you so much for your advice. Kids went to his parents for a sleepover tonight as I have clinicals at the hospital tomorrow. I plan to get myself to bed soon for a (hopefully) good nights sleep.


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

From Ireland...you must be a saint...the country of my own ancestors...

Good luck tomorrow!!!


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Haha. Indeed. Thank you! Hopefully nothing too insane will happen. Perhaps I should stop at my local Irish pub on the way home tomorrow to refill my saintly meter. Which means, I'll probably live large & have a shephards pie & a pint of Smithwicks! LOL


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Babyheart, I understand what your husband is going through. Maybe I can shed a little light on his side.
We also had a daughter with a severe mental and physical handicap. Without really discussing it, I was the breadwinner and my wife was the caregiver. I was in the Navy and wanted it to be a career. We had awesome medical insurance and the pay was decent. The down side is that I spend a lot of time away from home in a very stressful job.
I never resented my wife for her role, but it was years before I was able to understand my own anger. My daughter wasn't perfect. We were great parents, why did God do this to us? My wife always had to put our daughter first. I understood that due to her health problems, but I hated it. I also hated that I felt that way. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. What was I going to say? I was pissed off because my daughter was never going to the prom, never getting married, never going to give me grandchildren and I would likely be present at her funeral.
What did I, my wife, my daughter do to deserve this?
Fast forward many years. I became a heavy drinker. I still am today. My wife and I drifted so far apart that we both had affairs. That's what realigned us. We went to counseling and reaffirmed our love for each other. We went to counseling and I was able to not only put my anger in perspective, but my wife was able to see what I was going through. We fixed ourselves and our family. The last 7 months of my daughter's life were the happiest that we had all spent together since she was born. She past away when she was in her early 20's.
My wife and I are now closer than we have been since she was born. We are so much in love and we loved our little girl more than anything.
I hope that you are able to work this out because your kids need their Dad, you need your husband, and he needs his family, too.
I hope that this helps you a little. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's not coming to you. You have to go get it.
Good luck and keep us posted.


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Dan thank you for that. I think my husband has internalized the stress of it all & it has festered for the past 4 years. Maybe it just became too much for him. I do hope he will put the effort in at counseling & we can work on it. I called one of his closest friends to tell him what was going on, and asked him to go to talk to him as he needs somebody to help him thru this. I am going back and forth with being angry with him & then very worried for him. 

So sorry to hear about your daughter. No parent should ever have to bury a child. My heart goes out to you & your wife. 
Thank you so much for your help.


----------



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

I read your post and I wish you and your family the best. I can't imagine the stress of having a child with a medical condition and also the financial aspect of the situation as well. I know you must be overwhelmed!! Maybe just give your husband some space. Give him time to reflect on his life and family. You seem to have alot on your plate...but it seems you have accepted that and are doing whatever it takes to change the situation. Keep a positive outlook.....things happen for a reason!! (Or at least that's what I have heard>) Take it one day at a time. Wishing you the best!


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Thank you Denise!


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Separation was the BEST thing for us. It probably will be for you. It will give you some breathing room and time to focus on yourself and your kids and be in peace. It'll make for a more stable environment as well. Trust me, at this point your husband is THE problem.
> 
> He blames you for taking care of your sick child? Does THAT sound reasonable? He should be helping and applauding you. If he wasn't an alcoholic and feeling sorry for himself and blaming EVERYONE ELSE for his problems he'd be telling you how wonderful you are.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. We did see him today in his new apartment as we were passing on the way home from a birthday party & the kids asked to go in. Nothing in there but a coffee pot & a camping cot - pretty depressing. I have been acting very polite to him, but keep my distance. Let him see that I am getting on with things & doing alright without him. And I always make sure am nicely dressed & looking smart. 
When we were leaving he said love you girls, see you tomorrow. I just said good night.


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Glad to hear you are heading in the right direction. It is so hard. Last night our youngest had a seizure. This has happened once before & it took 2 hours for it to end so he was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. Last night, it started, close to midnight. I called my husband, no answer. It was a milder seizure than the past one, so I wasnt sure about calling 911. After calling him a gazilion times with no answer, I called once of his work guys, who lives in the next building to ask him to go over & tell him.

So he calls me back, says his phone never rang, what was going on. By then, the seizure had stopped, I had checked the kids vital signs & put the pulseox monitor on him to check his pulse and oxygen level. All good & he went to sleep. At this point was thinking he would be ok, would keep an eye on him & hopefully he's be fine when he woke up. Husband said he was coming over.

So he arrives half an hour later (lives 10 minutes away). I explained to him what was going on, said I tried to call you & couldnt get you, he said he was sleeping. I said I dont care, he said I know you dont care. So I told him to grow up, he knew what I meant. If your phone rings at midnight, its usually a @$%^ emergency, and surely he could undertand how freaked out I was. 

He gets in my face with hs finger & says dont you ever &%#ing do that again. How dare I throw all the blame on him for not answering his phone & I should have called 911. Had a huge fight, I told him he was 100% unreasonable, couldnt believe how he was acting. THius is really the priority when the kid is in a situation? He was out of control & stormed off in a temper. Guess he was drunk, pity he didnt get pulled over for DUI. 

He called to take the kids to taekwondo class this morning. My oldest wouldnt go with him as had heard him screaming at me last night. He was supposed to take the kids for sleepover tonight, my oldest doesnt want to go & I dont want to send the youngest as my husband will never even know if he has another seizure.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Baby Heart/ Freak:
I feel for you both. Hang in there. Your plates are over-full and your men are acting worse than kids (worry about you and your kids). Ala-non meeting? Might help.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

if he says he is going to be there at 4:00pm, thats the time he should be there (give or take depending on how far he has to travel), if he can't then he isin't putting his kids where they should be.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I went to one Al-anon meeting. Three older ladies sitting around reading religious passages from a book talking about how their now-80 year old alcoholic fathers ruined their childhood. WTF? :scratchhead: I couldn't quite relate. But I've been told that each group is different and I should give it another shot so I've looked up where other groups are and now that my life is settling down I'm going to try again. But the religious references make me uncomfortable. That's just not my thing. 

Plus, I work a lot and it's hard physical work. When I get home I'm TIRED and I need to look after my son (my daughter is self sufficient) and want/need some "downtime" before going to sleep and doing it all over the next day (6am wake up/work out, 7am take daughter to school/ 8am get son ready/drive him to school/9am-6pm work) by the end of the day I'm just not into doing anything. On weekends I want to relax and have fun. But I'm going to try and make some time and see how it goes. 

The guy who was my friend and lover is gone. Sometimes he's like his old self and we talk and laugh but it doesn't last long. I need to keep my visits with him short, sweet and non confrontational. 

Right now I have to be there for my kids.


----------

