# I think I'm falling out of love with my husband



## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

I think I'm falling out of love with my husband. It's recent that I've started feeling this way and I'm hoping it's a phase. Background: we met when I was 16 and he 18. We have been together 11 years(married for 4). We recently had a child. He is 1 year old. 

I've been feeling very alone for a while now. He has very odd sleeping hours. So much so that he goes to bed at 3 or 4 am and doesn't get up till noon. I'm basically by myself for half the day. Much of the time he is tired or grumpy if I ask him to get up earlier. I have been very open and honest about how this effects me/makes me feel. But he doesn't change. He is also just moody all the time. I can't ask him to do any chores around the house without getting glared at like I'm a nag. He plays lots of video games and constant online video browsing. ugh

One thing I haven't been honest with him about is our sex life. Is seems he is only happy after we have sex. and he wants to have sex all the time. I almost never want to have sex (not sure if I am sexually attracted to him or if I just don't feel like a sexual person). He consistently does things in bed or buys toys when he KNOWS I dislike them. We still have sex 2-3 times per week because I'd rather him be happy than moody.

Lately I have been looking at other men. Dressing up to go places with the girls. thinking to myself, oh that guy is cute. I haven't acted on any of these feelings, but I worry where it's leading. This is my most worrisome issue. Cause we've gone through bad months before, but never did I wonder....'hmmm, I wonder what it would have been like to be with someone else.'

Now, the big question about bringing all this up with him. Do I? Do I see if it passes? I worry about hurting his feelings and never being able to have that close relationship I used to have with him. I'm sure he doesn't know of how I'm feeling (he probably just thinks I've been moody/quiet). Is this the time to go to counseling? I haven't talked to any of my family or friends about this because he would hate if I did that. Advice?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do either of you work?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

He is a student. I just graduated and I'm taking my state licensing boards in 2 weeks.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You better phucking tell him and if he is man enough to do something about then great...most likely he will wimp out.... think you are already cheating cuz it's easier to blame you then be accountable.

You on the other hand can be accountable and bail on this marriage before you do something you will regret.

You do not have to deceive your self or your husband...you can in fact take the honorable road and file for divorce..........

You can always withdraw the filing before its finalized but having him served now is a hell of a lot better to live with then him having you served after your phuck some other guy.

Girl you will destroy your kids father and hate your self if you screw around behind his back.

File for divorce.

My old lady phucked me over....she should have bailed...at least she would have given me the choice to change or not.... instead of the gut renching betrayal of which i HADD NO PHUCKING CHOICE!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for shouting....let your man have a choice!
Have him served....then it will be up to him to fight or not.

Depending on your state you might have to wait 90 days after you have him served before the D is finalized....that should be plenty of time for him to get off his @ss...or not!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you ever heard the saying " lifes hardest challenges bring the greatest rewards"

If you states quo and take the easy way out by thinking "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" well you will know ......

If you have to get out of this marriage then run towards something...don't run away from something....make sense?


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## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

Ok....that response seemed overly hostile. I am in NO WAY thinking about divorce. I came here to get advice on how to fix the problem without hurting my husband's feelings. Maybe I came to the wrong place.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, your boys father has a better chance of being a good dad if you bail now and divorce....then screwing around with some stud.Granted divorcing your kids dad will be heart breaking, but cheating on his dad....well you may as well give your kid a dad with no balls....cuz that's what you will be doing to your sons dad......

That's how sh1tty infidelity is!

Sincerly,
the guy with the cheating wife


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey I'll put down the 2x4.

I really really want to make a point!

My wifes cheating killed me!

Please talk to you old man...but you guys are young....you'll be talking for years and then one day....your husband will hear "it just happened".

girl this is experience nothing more and nothing less


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

So he is in his 30's as a student with no job who sleeps till 12 and plays video games constantly? Are you sure he's still not 18? And you just suck it up, ask him to do chores, and give him sex so he won't mope around? Where do I sign up?

Newsflash, most males are 'happy' after they has sex; even those "cute guys" who you are checking out. 

I don't really understand your question. Nobody knows if your subjective thoughts are a phase or not. The fact is: your thoughts are an issue NOW. There's no way for anyone to tell you if your husband is going to get his feelings hurt or not. However, there's really only two choices in these situations: (1) communication and expectations of what you need from him or (2) move on with your life and be happy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

juliet22 said:


> Ok....that response seemed overly hostile. I am in NO WAY thinking about divorce. I came here to get advice on how to fix the problem without hurting my husband's feelings. Maybe I came to the wrong place.


As un hostile as I can be... you are looking at other men, and your husband is bata and won't man up.

Your husband deserves to be hurt....he is dropping the ball and you are no were near hurting your husband....cuz he doesn't have a clue you are looking at other men....now that's hurts!

Do you even realize how volnurable you are?


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## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

wise said:


> So he is in his 30's as a student with no job who sleeps till 12 and plays video games constantly? Are you sure he's still not 18? And you just suck it up, ask him to do chores, and give him sex so he won't mope around? Where do I sign up?
> 
> Newsflash, most males are 'happy' after they has sex; even those "cute guys" who you are checking out.
> 
> I don't really understand your question. Nobody knows if your subjective thoughts are a phase or not. The fact is: your thoughts are an issue NOW. There's no way for anyone to tell you if your husband is going to get his feelings hurt or not. However, there's really only two choices in these situations: (1) communication and expectations of what you need from him or (2) move on with your life and be happy.


I guess it did come off that way, but I didn't mean to make him sound so lazy. Those were just the examples of issues I have. Where did we lose our spark and how do I get it back? I hate the thought of hurting his feelings. and Contrary to the posts here, I would never cheat!


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I could of written that post my self op. I posted not long ago about my problem. Things are looking up for me now, taking it one day at a time. I also get the evil glares when I (rarely) ask for help around the house but also a "Yes dear" thrown in haha. 
I do agree with talking to him about how you are feeling though I would leave out the perving part because as someone mentioned he would probably take that as a sign you are already cheating. 
My man wakes up with me now, though it took a week for him to stop being a grumpy pr!ck all day. I just ignored his bad mood because I know how hard it is to change your sleep pattern and children are very draining of energy. 
Best of luck


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

juliet22 said:


> Lately I have been looking at other men. Dressing up to go places with the girls. thinking to myself, oh that guy is cute. I haven't acted on any of these feelings, but I worry where it's leading. This is my most worrisome issue. Cause we've gone through bad months before, but never did I wonder....'hmmm, I wonder what it would have been like to be with someone else.'
> 
> ?


Juliet, this site is great....I saw this and I started judging.

You sound commited but in the same breath I worry that you'll do something you'll regret.

moving on......

You gotta tell your man how bad this has gotten.

Hell ya its gonna hurt to hear that his attraction level is declining but damit girl he must hear those words out of the women that still loves him!


I'm just a stranger and I see it very clear....you are losing an attraction and women like confident guys who take on the real world not some evil wizzard in a game.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Hey, I think it's most likely a phase that you think you're falling out of love with him. It's just at this moment, you don't like this version of your husband. This is why your mind makes you feel attracted to men who are the opposite of what you dislike about your husband. But you still love him and you just need to have this problem fixed and you'll be in love with him again. If you let this go on too long by avoiding to tell him, the loss of attraction may become permanent!

Your situation sounds similar to a situation I had with my husband. Except the problem I had with my hubby was that I felt he was too controlling and I "hated" him. Then suddenly if I saw men who were accommodating to their wives, I found myself wishing my hubby could be more like that. I then finally broke down and just told him how I hated that he had become quite controlling (due to circumstance) and how it made me feel (I wasn't very nice about it) but it worked! He eased up Now I love him again.

My husband and I have a business we run directly from our home and he is now on a night schedule, meaning he wakes up like at 2pm! When he's on this schedule, he can get grumpy easily. We also have a small child that is 10m old and we wake up at 7-8am! So I can understand your frustration. However, my husband is up working (creative field) and working out and cleaning the house, not screwing around playing video games.

I don't mean to talk about myself, just wanted to let you know that I can relate in some ways.

You need to talk with him in an open, loving, and respectful conversation asap. Let him know what bothers you. Then you let him know what you'd like to see happen and perhaps you can make a compromise. Also important is asking him why he's like that...maybe he feels a little down and out. Playing video games all day and sleeping really late in the night suggests there might be an underlying issue.


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## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> Hey, I think it's most likely a phase that you think you're falling out of love with him. It's just at this moment, you don't like this version of your husband. This is why your mind makes you feel attracted to men who are the opposite of what you dislike about your husband. But you still love him and you just need to have this problem fixed and you'll be in love with him again. If you let this go on too long by avoiding to tell him, the loss of attraction may become permanent!
> 
> Your situation sounds similar to a situation I had with my husband. Except the problem I had with my hubby was that I felt he was too controlling and I "hated" him. Then suddenly if I saw men who were accommodating to their wives, I found myself wishing my hubby could be more like that. I then finally broke down and just told him how I hated that he had become quite controlling (due to circumstance) and how it made me feel (I wasn't very nice about it) but it worked! He eased up Now I love him again.
> 
> ...


thank you for the encouragement. I will talk to him soon. I need to find the right moment.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't know.

If I went around looking at other women and thought to myself "hey I wonder what it's like to be with her", I would probably fall out of love with my spouse too!

Come on. Your husband's behavior doesn't really excuse your 'wondering'. I appreciate your honesty, but you should follow these curious feelings with actions that are constructive to your marriage.

Why do you hate sex with him? That alone can totally destroy a marriage. You think 'letting him have sex with you' is good enough? No dear. He notices your reluctance and resents you for it. What have you done about this? I bet nothing.

His odd sleeping hours can probably never be fixed. I know I have odd sleeping hours and have now come to terms with the fact that it's a part of who I am. No one should have the right to tell me when it is appropriate to go to bed. My body decides when it wants to sleep, not my spouse.

I feel there are deeper issues in your marriage, or is it your 'wondering' that is really brewing all these negative feelings towards your husband? Stop wondering. You'll regret it. 

You two need marriage counseling with an open mind. You married too young and have grown out of the persons you used to be. It's time to restudy the dynamic that has existed between you two for years. You either stay together or get divorced. Either way, you should make this a growth opportunity instead of just giving up or cheating.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Synthetic, I feel your post is a bit. I wish some TAM users would tread lightly when giving advice. Try not to be sound so certain that things are what you say they are. I mean, aren't you afraid that you could be giving BAD ADVICE that could cause harm to a marriage? I'm just saying...

Marriage counseling would be the next step if having an open, loving, and respectful talk didn't seem to fix the problem.

Now if the problem is fixed, and he's a better man doing what pleases you and yet, you still wonder what it's like to be with other men, then yes it's very likely that you are indeed out of love with him. But just take one step at a time to troubleshoot a problem--that's the only way you'll know for sure.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> Synthetic, I feel your post is a bit. I wish some TAM users would tread lightly when giving advice. Try not to be sound so certain that things are what you say they are. I mean, aren't you afraid that you could be giving BAD ADVICE that could cause harm to a marriage? I'm just saying...
> 
> Marriage counseling would be the next step if having an open, loving, and respectful talk didn't seem to fix the problem.


No I don't worry about giving bad advice because there are enough voices on this forum to counter my 'bad' advice. I'm just a voice among many. The ultimate decision is always on the original poster.

Some people gave me useless rubbish advice when I was going through my hell. It didn't have a negative effect on the outcome or the decisions I ultimately made. If anything, it added validity to a lot of the good advice that turned out to be more in-line with my personality.

In this particular case, I see a young couple having grown up into people that are different than who they were when they initially met. It's a common occurrence with couples who meet in their teens or early 20s. That I'm totally certain about.

The other parts are my opinion on individual issues she brings up like "wondering about other people" and her husbands sleeping hours. I have personal experience with both, so I stated my opinion.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Synthetic, thanks for the explanation...it sounds much better after you put it like that.


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## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

Synthetic, from how you phrased your response it sounds like I need help for all of my issues and my husband is justified in ignoring me. Doesn't feel too good. Maybe I should just go to counseling to be a better lover for him. Also I am not wondering about sleeping around. I'm wondering if I would be happier had my life gone in a different direction with someone else. I do think being together at a young age does contribute to the problem. But make no mistake, my husband needs to change his sleeping habits not just to be with me but to also spend time with his son. I can think of at least 5 bad sleeping habits he does that make him stay awake. Caffeine, going to the gym at 10 pm, playing video games late at night etc. All changeable/fixable.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

juliet22 said:


> Synthetic, from how you phrased your response it sounds like I need help for all of my issues and my husband is justified in ignoring me. Doesn't feel too good. Maybe I should just go to counseling to be a better lover for him. Also I am not wondering about sleeping around. I'm wondering if I would be happier had my life gone in a different direction with someone else. I do think being together at a young age does contribute to the problem. But make no mistake, my husband needs to change his sleeping habits not just to be with me but to also spend time with his son. I can think of at least 5 bad sleeping habits he does that make him stay awake. Caffeine, going to the gym at 10 pm, playing video games late at night etc. All changeable/fixable.


Sorry if my post came off that way. The thing is, you're the one on this forum not your husband. I can't suggest anything to your husband. I can only talk to you! 

Can I ask where the financing for this work-free life of yours is coming from? Why is your husband who is a father and in his 30s still a student who stays up late and plays lots of video games? What's going on here?!


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## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

That's not an issue here so I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask. I will only say that I just graduated and have my state license exam soon (as I stated earlier in this post if you look through).


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

juliet22 said:


> That's not an issue here so I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask. I will only say that I just graduated and have my state license exam soon (as I stated earlier in this post if you look through).


It kind of is an issue and you don't get to tag my legitimate question as "inappropriate" just because you don't want to answer it.

I don't see a good dynamic and just going by your own posts and attitude I can't help but think there are deeper issues.


Good luck with your marriage.


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## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

I won the lottery.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Juliet, you have had some very good responses and advice here so far, and by the way, there have not been any inappropriate questions here - remember the TAM army has seen this sort of thing many, many times.

So here is my tuppence worth of observations and advice:

You both got together (exclusively) very young and have been through a lot (it sounds like) together - combating finances, making it through college, and even opting to have your husband continue with his studies. This makes married life tough!

Personalities change (sometimes permanently, sometimes only during a tough phase) and you may be experiencing some of this on both sides.

Minds wander, lustful thoughts develop and it sounds like you are/were thinking of cheating (something that is highly disrespectful) and using your situation to justify it even to the point of rewriting marital history to explain your feelings. It happens, and recognising it for what it is always helps combat it. You will not be the first spouse to fantasise about other men/women when in a mundane marriage. Be aware of this. 

You do need to talk this out frankly with your husband. Explain how you feel and why (as far as you know why) and try and avoid generalisations - be specific wherever possible - it will help both you and him. If he is not prepared to talk about this sensibly, then seek counselling. Cheating should never be an option. Divorce is a possibility but you have not even begun to try and rectify this yet.

Good luck and take the others' advice being given here.


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## juliet22 (Oct 15, 2014)

Yes you are correct. But I never would have taken the step to cheating. No one on this forum could convince me I would have cheated. Its just not me. That being said I feel really depressed now. How can I bring up issues I have with my husband when I feel so guilty about thinking of other people? Not sure if I'll say anything now. I feel even more lost than I did before. Makes me want to cry and I hate that.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Of course, daydreaming about other men when your marriage isn't at it's best is completely normal. You say you'd never cheat and I believe you. (Up to a point.) You see, most affairs start out exactly how your life is going. An unsatisfying marriage, the dull drums of parenthood and responsibility. Then Mr Excitement comes along, and wham! Your world instantly flips!

So if you don't want that happening to you, you need to make some concrete plans to make sure it doesn't. The financial responsibility question raises a valid point but you got defensive, saying it isn't a player in the story. Methinks you doth protest too much. If your husband had more of a responsibility to bring in cash to support his child, you and his own lifestyle, maybe you wouldn't think of him so poorly. And yes, your post comes across that he's lazy and a moocher.

And that's why you're thinking about other men. Maybe you guys are independently wealthy and money grows on trees where you live. But a man who is poor and lazy sure makes a woman feel dragged down...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

30 year old playing video games all night? Sounds a little immature.

So you are taking a licensing exam soon. If you pass...does that mean a good job in a high paying field? If so, it is decision time. Do you want this man/boy living with you while you go out to work to support him? Or is it time to demand he clean up his game, start sleeping WITH YOU at a reasonable time, start actually being with you? If he can not straighten up and fly right, it might be time to start considering a divorce. Are you close to his parents? maybe they can help you with getting him to grow the heck up a little.

Any chance you can get him to have a job? a job will get his sleeping schedule back on track. He will not have time to play games all night long


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Totally understandable why you would be looking at other men. Your husband sounds like he does not bring much to the table. Life sounds too easy for him. I think you need to let him know you are losing attraction for him. He will get mad, but it is the truth. He needs a wake up call.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Once a womanhas a child the contrast between an actual child and the husband gets scrutiny. Unfortunately mom grows up and dad continues his merry way. Mom loses respect for him. With that respect goes sexual attraction. Simple stuff. Happens all the time.

Is your husband willing to take on duties within the family that you will respect? Do you have requirements of him? If he fulfills themwill you discount thenbecause he is SUPPOSED to do those things or will you be grateful that he follows through?

What do you want from him? Be specific and clear.

His need for sex is an unexamined thing for him but if you want him to be close to you sex has to be important to both of you. He doesn't listento you about sex but you don't necessarily listen to him either, right? You think giving it to him should be enough.

Since you are here you will be told what you can do to try to turn this around. By changing yourself you might change him.

That you are liking at other menshows you aren't LD. You are just more desire for your husband.

Think carefully about how you are going to tell him about your wandering eye. To remain true to the marriage you will likely need his help. You are ripe for an affair.

Is he willing to attend counseling with you?


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I can see how some of these responses can be overwhelming and aggressive. Something that you'll learn about TAM is that some of us have seen a lot of bad sh*t. Many times it starts as something innocent. I think that's why you're getting a lot of flack for your mind wandering.

Open the lines of communication and just be honest. I would suggest you be brutally honest with him. You'll have to have some faith that he'll take it to heart in a positive way. Again the people here have seen a lot. It only takes very little for a seemingly perfect marriage to fall apart. Once you introduce doubts it's like a poison that seeps in that can't be contained anymore. Sounds crazy but it's what happens here all the time.

You didn't make a mistake coming here. You'll get good advice but just remember that a lot of people here have been through a lot.


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