# Red flag or am I wrong?



## ak79 (Mar 27, 2014)

My girlfriend and I are to be married this May. We have a child together along with two of her kids and one of mine from previous marriages. Four all together. We have lived together now for a year. We have had financial issues since the beginning. I pay for most of everything which I expect. She has a great job and makes good money. I have a good job and make good as well. She does help pay some but the ratio of our individual incomes does not correlate to the expenses paid, which has been very frustrating. There have been times where I am down to nothing in my account but she still will not help more when she has the money. They are also items that we agreed to pay together but it is like pulling teeth to get her to pay her part. There is much that she agreed to that she still owes. I have taken steps for our family financially. I bought a house last year. She asked me to add her to my credit card account and to give her a card to help build her credit so I did that. She also received breast implants this year in which she needed me to sign because her credit is not good. Now my name and credit line is tied into this, so if she skips out on the bill, it is on my head. I did all this because I see us as being one household, one family and to show my trust, yet I have asked her many times to combine accounts to avoid any more financial frustrations, and she refuses. I feel combining our incomes we can pay everything more fairly and evenly and create a budget together as one. We have fought about this to the point of almost calling it all off. Am I wrong for asking her to put our checks in the same account? Is this a major red flag of more to come in the marriage?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Many couples keep separate accounts with success, However, it doesnt sound like she is willing to truly be a partner when it comes to money. The fact that she refuses to give any extra to make things easier, (WHY would you NOT want to help??) and that you have to fight to get her share, definite red flags. My personal opinion/preference is to combine your income into joint accounts, because you're in this together, and you are supposed to be one when you marry. I would suggest that you get this issue of the finances solidly ironed out before you marry this woman.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

do not tie your finances together. Why should it be expected for you to pay everything, especially if she earns as much as you do? Is she a princess?


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Short answer: Yes, it's a red flag. If you're frustrated now, while engaged, that will only get worse. 

IMO, you need to have a serious sit-down discussion with her, to lay-out, from both of your perspectives, what your expectations are regarding money in the marriage. Understand that, because of the way you're describing the situation, there's a significant chance that you won't come to an agreement. If not, DO NOT GET MARRIED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Your frustrations will grow, and eventually you'll be having the same discussions, with $500/hour in lawyers participating, too.

It would be bad to hit that wall now, but 100 times worse to hit it after you're married...and, if you can't agree, you will hit that wall.

At least that's my $.02


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

She's going to lose respect for you. Namely because you're being a pushover. But don't worry, she'll keep you around until she decides she'd rather have the child support than you 24x7. The time to ask about red flags was before having a child together. The best you can do now is damage control. Oh, and I wouldn't get married. Not because of any red flag on her part. Just the having to ask if you should part.

PS You sound like a great guy. Keep doing what you're doing for your family (the kids will love you legitimately in any case) and just protect yourself. See an attorney if you need to. Even if she's treating you like a doormat, don't treat yourself like that too.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

ak79 said:


> I did all this because I see us as being one household, one family and to show my trust, yet I have asked her many times to combine accounts to avoid any more financial frustrations, and she refuses. I feel combining our incomes we can pay everything more fairly and evenly and create a budget together as one. We have fought about this to the point of almost calling it all off.


Think of it from her standpoint. Why should she contribute more or combine accounts? She's already got someone to pay all her bills (you). Why should she put her own hard earned money toward it? 

(sorry for the snark, but that's really not overstating the situation, is it?)


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## ak79 (Mar 27, 2014)

Thanks for the input everyone. I will be praying about it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ak79 said:


> Thanks for the input everyone. I will be praying about it.


Please do not marry her until this gets ironed out and if she does not change, plan to move out and figure out a plan for child support and visitation and how lucky you were not married with many more expenses.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Why the new boobs? If she wanted new boobs then she should have paid for them herself. If she leaves, you think your going to get either the left or right one?

Comes down to this. Clear the kids out of the house for a few hours and sit her down and start setting the rules that were supposed to be there in the first place. Let her know that yeah nice boobs but the utilities need paid. Now unless her boobs glow in the dark and throw off heat she needs to pry open her wallet with a crow bar and start pitching in.

You can do this without coming across like a jackass but she need to know that your serious about this.

She lives there with her kids and for some reason she thinks she's entitled to a free ride and you letting her. Time to put the brakes on and let her know that she's not holding up her end of the deal.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh boy.
Most of the time in this forum when the gf/wife gets a boob job it's not for the bf/ husband.
And you are going to end up paying for it.:slap:
Nearly every case that has happened sorry.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Praying about it is a great relief, I'm sure. But unless god is going to sit down and have a chat with her, what's plan B to getting some changes in place?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I can tell you from experience that if you do not resolve this issue, it will be a huge source of resentment. 

I have this exact issue with my SO and I am extremely pissed that she does not support the household at all. WE own a home together, yet I pay all the household bills and she basically keeps all of her money for her stuff. She might buy groceries about once a month. We have had numerous agruments about it. She even had the audacity to get offended when I told her I just feel like an ATM. (No, I have not gotten her a boob job though).

Her claim is that she has bills from before our relationship that she is paying down as well as kids to support. Hello, I have the same issues but I manage to pay for the house and joint bills too. This is not the solution, but I have pretty much cut her off from any of my funds until we can reach some kind of understanding.

My advice is not to wait for divine intervention, but sit down with the facts and find a solution. One idea is to add up the average cost of all the household expenses (house, utitlities, food, etc) and divide that number in half. Each of you deposit that amount of money a month in a joint account to pay the joint bills. Anything else you keep in your own account(s) and do with it what you want. Same thing for vacations, large purchases and the like.

If she is unwilling to share her portion of the load now, what makes you think it will change after marriage?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If possible, I would create a joint account for essential expenses that you contribute to proportionately rather than have separate his-and-hers bills. Make it so the appropriate, agreed portion of each of your paychecks goes in automatically, and pay only bills out of it. See if she'd be open to that. If she's not, yes I'd be concerned.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

IMO breast implants alone are a HUGE red flag (but that's just me).

Bad credit = red flag

fact that she has a job but doesn't pay her half IS a red flag and you should deal with this immediately.

It's ok to keep separate accounts and leave money management separate, as long as each contributed their half to ALL expenses (not just some).

You also enabled her to do so by NOT discussing it with her early on the relationship.

IMO, she should work on her credit PRONTO. This is VERY important especially now days (jobs look at it etc)

She also needs to pay 50% of expenses (even if it means she has NOTHING left). 

Other solution is to simply go to "all money goes into one pile and we both decide how to spend it". This will require discipline and clearly your wife/girl has very little financial discipline.

In the long run it will not only ruin your marriage but your credit. And I wouldn't be surprised if she is one of those people that will go after each and every cent of yours if divorce comes into the picture.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's a major red flag! Her money is hers and your money is hers. Paying child support would be cheaper. 

Since she has two other children and you have one other child, the expenses should be split 60% her and 40% you. Waive those figures in her face and watch it contort.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's her view that it's a mans job to support her, and it's not going to change. Period. It's an idiotic, outdated mentality that needs to go away, and is responsible for a lot of alimony that guys like to b!tch about. Entirely different from a couple that decides together to have one stay home; this woman simply thinks she's owed support. If you marry her you accept that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ak79 (Mar 27, 2014)

I had that talk. I would not settle for anything less than opening up a joint account immediately. We are going to the bank tomorrow. We'll see if this works and if her true intentions are not to screw me over. Thanks everyone


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you and she are Christians, look into Dave Ramsey. He has some outstanding financial tools.

In my opinion, when you join as a family all the money should go into one pot. You can have a budget which includes niceties above the necessities, and you can budget for some play money for each of you. So you both put your paychecks into one joint account. From there you pay all the necessities. You can transfer out some agreed upon amount monthly to individual accounts for you to play with.

If you were to divorce her in 10 years, all the money is going to be split 50/50 anyhow. So there is no self-protective reason to have separate accounts now. If one of you were bringing a large net value in, such as an inheritance or a paid off home, then there would be reason to keep that item segregated. You might even stipulate in the case of death that item go to only your children, not to her or her children.

Dave Ramsey is well worth looking into. His methods of budgeting are solid, as are his basic philosophies.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ak79 said:


> I had that talk. I would not settle for anything less than opening up a joint account immediately. We are going to the bank tomorrow. We'll see if this works and if her true intentions are not to screw me over. Thanks everyone


A joint account gets you no where if she is not making an equal contribution. 

She is bringing two kids into this relationship that are not yours. Yes, they are her kids and I am sure you want to be good to them, but they have fathers who should be supporting them. The money she gets should go to that. If she is not putting that into the joint pot, you have big, big issues.


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