# For those of you who left?



## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

How did you afford it? I have two small kids that are still in day care, and with paying for that (even half if my husband is to pay half) and paying for all bills and expenses (car, groceries, insurance...) I have no clue how on earth it is ever possible, and I have a well enough paying job. If my husband is to pay me money monthly then I can survive, but then he won't be able to. How on earth did you do it?


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Lower your living means..my wife is finding out sadly that the one part of leaving is financially a burden and she makes good money, but I'm sure as time goes by she'll figure out her budget like others who left...it's an adjustment on BOTH SIDES.


----------



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I Agree, 

2 incomes are a blessing. I have done a complete overhaul over my finances, in a way I became more conscious about every single expense I have. I sort of became paranoid because after the shock of finding yourself in the middle of a separation, I couldn't function and even if I didn't overspend, I spend more of what I was supposed to. 

Now that I am functioning again, I have started to budget, save and invest. I am putting my life back on track. If your bank offers the services of a financial advisor pay them a visit and explain your situation. They can give you tips of how to manage your money in this type of situation.

Also you can use the internet to learn more of how to set financial goals and avoid falling into debt.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

In your situation, your h could look to share living space/cut his rent bc he won't have the kids there alone (if you take what is said elsewhere seriously). You can take in a roommate, too, if you rent a house--someone who can handle living with kids. Rent a 3 bedroom and then rent out the 3rd bedroom to someone. If your h does the same, then each of you will have some extra income to supplement your earnings. Be very careful choosing roommates, of course, esp. if there is any chance you will ever want/need to leave the kids alone with them. 

Be creative in thinking of ways to save $$ rather than trying to earn more (your kids need you around more, not less, during this time). One fun way to save is by increasing the amount of cooking you do (if you eat out a lot), learning to use staples that are cheap--and involving your kids in the shopping/cooking. A bag of beans is a lot less $$ than canned beans, for example. Homemade pizza is a lot cheaper than even frozen. 

We tend to spend a lot on "convenience," and it is expensive. Saving money tends to require more work--but think of that "work" as good quality time with your kids and suddenly it won't seem like a sacrifice or burden. Just by NOT buying coffee (make and drink it at home), making cookies rather than purchasing, etc., you will start seeing fewer dollars going out. 

I think the ideas of consulting a financial adviser and using internet resources are good, too.


----------



## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Yeah in the same boat. Thinking of filing D next week, but I have no intentions of leaving the family house. I do not want to leave my kids, we currently have only 1 income (mine 1.5 if you count my 2nd jobs), plus the standard of living has been at the insistence of the W.

If and when it becomes final, should time with my son moving out and going to college. Then we only have one kid, and can probably get by on two smaller apartments in the school district.

If she fights living in one place, she can move out into my parents spare bedroom.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am suprised the topics of finances doesn't come up here more.

Yes, it sucks - whether you are the left or the leaver. . .doesn't make a difference.

I have had to swallow my pride and live with my parents who have a small vacation trailer they let me stay at - it's 50 minutes away from my house but my place of work is 5 minutes away from my kids work.

I don't know what to say.

When all is said and done, after taxes, I'll have to pay about $1109/month *after taxes* to my wife for child support (who I left). She has told me that is chump change. That's a valid perspective in a way. I am sure she thinks she should get $2000-3000/month.

Now, I am sure to her, trying to stay in the same house, and live the same lifestyle, it is chump change. I can assure you after taxes that hurts. It hurts a lot.

Sometimes just on finances I think, "Maybe I should have just stayed and had an affair." but I just couldn't do that.

I think the solution on "How do you do it?" is rather complicated. Yes, paring back on your lifestyle, of course. However, I have come to the conclusion that you almost need to partner up and colloborate with another party soon after divorce if you want to prosper.

And let's face it - we all want to prosper, not just survive.

Maybe that means shacking up with another divorced man/woman, maybe it means remarriage, with me. . .I have actually been considering partnering with my parents on their two properties. Pooling car insurance, homeowners insurance, etc. AS they age, it kinda makes sense anyway and if they are up for it, re-doing their estate planning.

The point is, I think especially with children, God/Nature kind of meant us to go through life in a partnership kind of fashion.

I would recommend, if your spouse isn't a cementhead, to really just explore the idea of "birdnesting". . .where you both come into the house and parent and exit the house at varying schedules. For young kids, it seems to make the most sense to me.

In other words, discontinue the romantic partnership, but keep the financial partnership alive, the business of child-rearing.

However, my stb-x is acting like a cementhead on this issue (she's definitely not a cementhead but is probably being fed ideas) and if both parties aren't agreeable to "birdnesting", at least temporarily, it won't work.


----------



## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

When my wife moved out, she moved to a house owned by her parents where she is living rent-free and doesn't pay utilities. Therefore, since she said we would just split the bills down the middle, she is still paying half of the mortgage, utility bills, etc. for "our" house. I don't know what I'll do with the house if and when she files. I have talked to the mortgage company about getting the loan modified but I have to decide if I really want to stay there first. I have also been trying to cut out extra monthly costs. I traded in my SUV for a sedan, canceled the land line phone and I really watch what I spend when I go to the grocery store. Since I only have the kids half the time, I try not to buy too much and only buy for meals when I know they are going to be there. Makes a big difference. 

As for sharing the house, I didn't want to do that. She suggested it and I refused. I told her if she wanted to leave and not work on the marriage, then she could leave. I wasn't going anywhere. My job is very close and I wasn't about to move in with my parents (my divorced brother is already living there). I also feel that doesn't show the kids reality. I'm not sure how much they understand but as they see it, mommy moved out. If they ask when she's coming back, I simply say I don't know. They do have to spend time with my wife as well so I feel bad that they have to travel back and forth daily since my wife's job and the sitter is 45 minutes away from where my wife is now living.

My wife e-mailed me a couple weeks ago saying she was stressed about finances. I didn't respond. I was her support before. If she wants my support, she will get it by coming back to try to work on us.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> As for sharing the house, I didn't want to do that. She suggested it and I refused.


And why did you refuse?

I mean really, taking your wife's position here, what's the difference? You both support the house the kids live in, you maintain your equity stake and risk and reward (assuming the house appreciates) and when it becomes an opportune time, you liquidate it and take your proceeds, whether that's 50/50, 70/30, whatever.

I mean, I just can't figure out my stb-x on this. If it's all about privacy, there are ways to remedy that. You can password your computers, and put locks on certain doors. Yeah, sure it's an inconvenience. . .but you know who are the most inconvenienced? The kids. 

I can tell you your kids owuld love it. . .THEIR parents in THEIR home different times instead of being schlepped across town, across the state, across the county, whatever.

It would save you both having to remortgage and then you both get the benefit of maintaining the good side of the amortization schedule on the mortgage.

I see so many positives for this and unless you are ready to upstart a new life with a new squeeze right away, I don't see too many downsides.

I don't know. . .as you can see, I am using you to argue this by proxy with my stb-x. DOn't take it personal.


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Why not share the house?..what's the difference?..the kids will love it?..IMO those scenarios don't make any sense due to the fact one spouse has been deeply hurt..I could not live with the tension both spouses would be feeling every minute they are together..one wanted to leave so bad, she left the kids..my wife rented her place before telling me she was leaving (at least verbally telling me) because she knew, living together but separate would not work (especially when there is a OP involved)..you did right by not answering her after she stressed..and do you want her returning only because of the financial problems she is having?..she needs to work on herself if she wishes but you need to continue to do the same no matter what.


----------



## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

I took the advice of a lawyer, my brother and a few others in deciding to stay. It came down to the fact that I didn't want our marriage to end and I thought the best way to work on it was to keep living together. If she wants to move out, she has to deal with the inconvenience, same as with the inconvenience of not having my salary. She needs to see what life is like on her own. If she doesn't like it, she rethinks her decision to move out. Granted, I think she is getting by pretty easy in that her parents live across the street so whenever she needs someone to watch them, she just has to make a call. I also believe her mom makes dinner for them quite a bit. Meanwhile I take the kids everywhere I go when I have to go places. I don't mind it. I hate when my daughter throws a fit in a store if she doesn't get what she wants but we're working on that.

Sometimes you have to show tough love, which I guess is what I did. But I'm glad I stayed. 

As for the house itself, if we have to get rid of it, we won't make any money on it. I'm actually trying to figure out how to avoid a short sale or foreclosure.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Nesting is great, but you need a place for the one parent to be while the other is home with the kids--a very small apartment, much less expensive, that you share but not at the same time works, unless you both have friends you can go live with when you are not "mom" or "dad" at the house. It does not mean ALL of you living in the house at the same time, despite the divorce. You live in the house when she is gone (3.5 days a week, roughly) and she's there while you live somewhere else the rest of the week.

Refusing to nest b/c "she" moved out is NOT putting the kids first. If there are other reasons, that's one thing. But look at it from the kids' p.o.v.--they are home with either mom OR dad, all the time. Their lives are much less disrupted. It is a bigger issue once either adult remarries, or moves in with someone, but honestly, before that point, it really is best for the kids.

My ex and I agreed to this b/c it is so much better for the kids. Unfortunately, he could not take being being at a friend's house or at the apartment (he had a choice) at all and he moved in with a new woman within a few weeks, so the kids had to start going back and forth after about 3 months. But the 3 months was nice for them, as they were getting used to being with one of us or the other without the added stress of having to move back and forth.


----------



## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

I guess I don't understand. She has a nice 3 bedroom house she is staying at. The kids like going up there. Things are working out this way. 

Would it be better for me to get an apartment so she could stay at the house? No because then I would be paying rent on top of half of the mortgage, which I probably can't afford. The best part about this is that she isn't paying rent, which means it's not taking away from her ability to pay for half of the house. She could easily say she doesn't want to pay half anymore, which I know will happen if she does file, but until then this is probably the best way to do it. 

Or are you saying I should go stay where she is living while she is at our house...like taking turns? Not going to happen. She has basically moved all of her stuff there and has started decorating (even getting family pictures taken of just her and the kids) so there is no way I'm going to stay there.

Again, my goal was to work on the marriage. Keep things as normal as possible for the kids, which I feel I'm doing by staying at the house. They know the house, they know their bedrooms, they know where all of the toys are. And that is part of the reason I will try to keep the house no matter what. It has been the only stable thing in their life the past few months and I don't want to hurt that. My wife has the right to come back and stay there. She could stay in a different room if she wanted to. But she said if she stayed in the house with me, she would go crazy. You don't know me but I don't know how I would drive her crazy. I think her favorite part about not living with me anymore is that she can text the guys at work and leave her car in parking ramps next to hotels for hours on end and not have to explain it to me.

No, I think I'll just stay where I am.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I could not live with the tension both spouses would be feeling every minute they are together


But you aren't together.

When she is there you take a hike.

When you are there, she takes a hike.

You both take hikes.

We are actually in court disputing this. Her side contends since I left the house, even though I am owner, I can't have access to the house. My side argues through NJ case law that as owner I have an equal right to the house as she does and she can't just make me leave because I "bother" her.

Of course now, her side is making all allegations that I am "violent" but they are taking the high road and haven't filed anything against me.

I just don't get how one party ends up feeling more "entitled" to the house than the other. The entitleistic mindset really baffles me throughout the whole divorce but entitlements are the name of the game I will admit.


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Yes scanner..I didn't think about that aspect of some situations


----------



## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

I wouldn't say I feel entitled to the house. She is free to come and go as she feels. She just felt the need to go and not come back. I wish she would. I feel I took the high road in this. When I found out about the EA, I could have said "pack your bags" but I forced myself to get by that part and do what I could to save the marriage. When it didn't work, she left. 
Now she has told me she's fine with me selling the house. Sure, then she can really live rent-free.


----------

