# What's worse: physical or emotional affair?



## 2lil2late (Mar 5, 2018)

Let me start off with a geek-out moment: I have been reading posts on here for a spell now, and today I finally noticed that this subject matter has almost twice as many posts as the focused topic with the next highest number of posts. It feels like that says an enormous amount about marriage problems in general. I finally don't feel so alone any more and decided to write my first post.

I'm more an info-gatherer than a brain dumper and so I wanted to hear from people who have experienced infidelity what they think hurt more: that your partner was physically intimate with another person or that they had fallen in love with someone else? I know that their are a ton of variables that could make a person feel one way over the other, but I'm struggling to wrap my head around the emotional fallout of an affair right now and I think it would be helpful to start by asking others to share their experiences. And asking folks to frame it within the physical vs emotional affair debate might be a good place to start for me. Please do feel free to expand on any other thoughts you have about dealing with an affair. Thanks for your willingness to share.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am not sure you can compare the two or say which is worse. Of course many affairs are emotional and physical.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rape, murder, child abuse. Besides that not much that goes for either of them.


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## 2lil2late (Mar 5, 2018)

Points well taken. The affair here was/is both. The marriage was poor to begin with, and we have two small children. It almost seems impossible to fully reconcile from a physical affair, but the failure and disappointment of the emotional side of it also seems to big to overcome. In many ways though, if a new happier relationship with the other person comes out of it, I would almost prefer that to serve as a good model for my kids than to stick out a bad marriage for the sake af keeping a nuclear family intact.


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## 2lil2late (Mar 5, 2018)

I realize my last statement may not be received well, but I am a pretty open-minded person who often thinks outside of the box.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

2lil2late:

Are you saying that you want your kids to learn that an affair is preferable to a bad marriage or a divorce?


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## 2lil2late (Mar 5, 2018)

No, I'm saying that if the results of an affair are divorce and the development of a happy relationship with the other person, which includes a stepparent who is a loving role model for my kids, is that one way to find a silver lining in all of this? I know that sounds really cavalier, but it's just something I'm tossing around in my head.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Ok..... So your husband had an affair or you did? 

In any case my ex-wife cheated on me both physically and emotionally. I guess if I had to pick, the physical side was the bigger issue. People's emotions change over time, but you can't take back the physical side once you've gone beyond that point. From what I gather, this opinion is more true for guys than women, but I'm speaking very generally here.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Honestly, when an affair becomes physical, there is no doubt of the line being crossed. I found that with my ex's emotional affair, he could and still does deny that it even happened. He bombed the marriage, tried to blame me for all of it, completely screwed with my head, so he could immediately jump into bed with the OW guilt free. It was the most emotionally brutal thing anyone has ever done to me, and he thinks he did absolutely nothing wrong.

Edited to add: Of course there were problems in the marriage which I don't deny. We may have worked it out, we may not have. Now we'll never know if that was possible or not.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> Ok..... So your husband had an affair or you did?
> 
> In any case my ex-wife cheated on me both physically and emotionally. I guess if I had to pick, the physical side was the bigger issue. People's emotions change over time, but you can't take back the physical side once you've gone beyond that point. From what I gather, this opinion is more true for guys than women, but I'm speaking very generally here.


She hasn't said it, but it seems pretty clear that she not only had an affair, she's actively in one. Her marriage wasn't going well and she grew distant from her husband. She fell in love with someone else and now wants to leave her husband for him. She's looking for justification by asking leading questions. What she wants to hear is that the kids will be better off with her and lover demonstrating what a good marriage should be rather than her staying with the husband that she doesn't love. That's the way I see it at this point.

If this is the case, I'm not sure what to say to help. Leaving your husband for another man sets a terrible example for the kids, but I think it's where you are going anyway. I've seen a few of these cases work out, but in most cases, this is just the first divorce of many and the lesson that the kids will learn is that marriage means very little.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Between this thread and your thread in the divorce section you're really trying to justify to yourself what you've done. What you know in your heart to be true and what people here will tell you, what you've done is wrong and can't be justified. It was selfish and cruel and that is the truth of it. Can you have a positive relationship with the person you're considering tearing your family apart over to fulfill your needs only? No, you can't. It'll crash and burn and you'll alienate your family. I've represented so many people in this situation. It never comes out the way you're fantasizing. Want some advice from someone who has been in the divorce business for decades? Stop what you're doing right this second and do what you know is the right thing.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

They're both equally as bad. With either you lose trust in your partner your partner lies to you. There is a lot of Deceit to cover the affair.

They both causes deep scars in the person being cheated on.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Both are just as bad depending on depth and length of Emotional Affair I suppose.

Physical Affair > Emotional Affair that is caught early and EAPs are just exchanging feelings or confiding in each other, not to the you make me day or I love being with you part yet.

Physical Affair and Emotional Affair I think are on equal terms once the APs are obsessed with communication and spending a ton of time with each other, heading towards their Emotional connection and love for each other.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

2lil2late said:


> No, I'm saying that if the results of an affair are divorce and the development of a happy relationship with the other person, which includes a *stepparent who is a loving role model for my kids*, is that one way to find a silver lining in all of this? I know that sounds really cavalier, but it's just something I'm tossing around in my head.


A person who engages in an affair with a married person cannot be a role model. Period.

The silver lining would be for you only. No silver lining for your kids or your spouse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2lil2late said:


> Points well taken. The affair here was/is both. The marriage was poor to begin with, and we have two small children. It almost seems impossible to fully reconcile from a physical affair, but the failure and disappointment of the emotional side of it also seems to big to overcome. In many ways though, if a new happier relationship with the other person comes out of it, I would almost prefer that to serve as a good model for my kids than to stick out a bad marriage for the sake af keeping a nuclear family intact.


I think you are trying to justify what you did. Most relationships that begin with cheating wont last, so your children will almost certainly be in another broken marriage. I have no idea why anyone would want to be with a person who think its ok to cheat with someone who is married. Where are their morals? Their integrity? What's to stop them doing it again down the line?

My advise is to put all of your energy onto the marriage. Go on marriage courses. Have marriage counselling. Have date nights. Remember the good things about your husband and why you married him not very long ago. Cut off all contact with the OM. Don't allow yourself to even think about him. Be grateful for what you have and remain faithful to your husband. Your children NEED you to be together. They need their mum AND dad full time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> A person who engages in an affair with a married person cannot be a role model. Period.
> 
> The silver lining would be for you only. No silver lining for your kids or your spouse.


:iagree:

A man who goes after another mans wife is no role model for a child.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

2lil2late said:


> Points well taken. The affair here was/is both. The marriage was poor to begin with, and we have two small children. It almost seems impossible to fully reconcile from a physical affair, but the failure and disappointment of the emotional side of it also seems to big to overcome. In many ways though, if a new happier relationship with the other person comes out of it, I would almost prefer that to serve as a good model for my kids than to stick out a bad marriage for the sake af keeping a nuclear family intact.


I doubt that the only two choices are a new happier relationship with the other person or sticking out a bad marriage. More than likely the end result will be no or a seriously tense relationship with the other person.
When one person betrays another, there is seldom any happy endings. 
The alternative, to stay in a bad marriage, is not something anyone should entertain. For several reasons, First off, life is short and it not fair to either yourself or your spouse to remain unhappy. Better to choose freedom and the pursuit of happiness over being trapped in an unhappy marriage. Also, it is not good for the children. They are very perceptive and will learn that an unhappy marriage is normal and that is the life they will live as they get older.


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

I hear people say....It just happened or we were just friends and it just happened.
So here is the thing. If you are married you do not allow yourself to be put into position that might trigger an affair. This is you are happy in your marriage. Unhappy are always seeking happiness If you are unhappy or can see that your spouse is unhappy then either fix it or leave


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

I have seen a TON of marriages in crisis in varying stages. And I can say I very rarely see a marriage formed out of an affair that lasts. It was formed on deception and betrayal. When those are the cornerstones of the relationship, it’s probably doomed. I CAN say I have seen plenty of marriages formed from an affair that end because.....wait for it.......SOMEONE HAD AN AFFAIR! It’s a never ending cycle of betrayal.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What's worse is that you are trying to justify this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just looking logically. The one who cheated ends up with a person willing to cheat with a married person, they may even be married themselves. The cheater is someone who didn't work on the marriage when it got hard (all marriages do) or leave it honorably instead they destroyed a marriage and terribly hurt someone they swore to protect. 

The one who got cheated on ends up losing someone who stabbed them in the back and didn't have the stuff to be honest in a relationship. You tell me who do you think will end up better off? Who has the stuff to have a good relationship? I personally don't think it's the one who cheated.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

FalCod said:


> She hasn't said it, but it seems pretty clear that she not only had an affair, she's actively in one. Her marriage wasn't going well and she grew distant from her husband. She fell in love with someone else and now wants to leave her husband for him. She's looking for justification by asking leading questions.


While that may be the case, I'd rather hear it from the horses mouth rather than jumping to conclusions. She didn't actually say she had an affair although I admit in both her threads she seams to be kind of beating around the bush so it might appear that way.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

So it sounds like your H has discovered you are in an affair. Your marriage will not survive unless you completely end the affair. Completely. Even then the chance of having a strong happy marriage is not good, but it is a chance. It will take years of hard work.

I think the worst situation for your kids is a high conflict marriage with one of the parents in an affair.

Is it possible for you to ride into the sunset with your OM and model a happy healthy home for your kids. Yes. But it is not likely statistically. My mother married her AP but all of us kids were in our 20's by then. Her affair was an exit affair, where she needed to create the crisis to justify ending the marriage. She's had a good long happy 2nd marriage to this man. He was divorced when they met, and his kids were also all adults. I don't hear these kinds of stories from people with kids still at home.

If your kids are still at home, the chances of them being happy in a home with you and the OM are low. They will probably resent him. They probably don't have the perspective to understand adult relationships and marriage, so they will just see him as the man who broke up the family. And in reality the chances of this OM wanting to support and parent your children are very low. Most OM run for the hills even if they are saying something different before hand.

If you were to end the affair and then eventually get divorced, you would be modeling good integrity. Anybody you then got into a relationship with would not be a homewrecker, and the kids likely would not have resentments. I think you need some counseling to figure out why you have found this affair to be acceptable behavior, and why you need to go from one man to the next. If your marriage is bad, then it is bad, and you should leave it. But you should then have some time alone before jumping into another marriage.

So really I see your two best options for the children as either ending the affair and working hard on the marriage, or ending the affair and divorcing. Plus some counseling to figure things out.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

There is not a lot of clarity around what is meant by the term "emotional affair." Physical is black and white. Some may see an emotional affair as too much confidence and sharing and seeking comfort and confidence from someone other than your spouse. That is a problem and reveals problems in the marriage. This sort of relationship should not be fatal to the marriage, but it is a canary in a coal mine. I don't see infidelity, just relationship breakdown. Then there are the relationships that are sexual in nature and high with sexual tension and excitement that have not yet been consummated. I put these in the same category as physical affairs, maybe worse. There can be a PA that is all carnal and not so much emotional. Just a cheap thrill or indiscretion. But the one that is courted, obsessive, and infused with expression of sexual desire, that one is every bit as bad as any PA because it is purposefully in the direction of PA. Being too close to a friend of the opposite sex, relatively innocent, but still upsetting and not auguring well for the marriage. And one or both parties to it may be looking for the crease in the door to open.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

stro said:


> I have seen a TON of marriages in crisis in varying stages. And I can say I very rarely see a marriage formed out of an affair that lasts. It was formed on deception and betrayal. When those are the cornerstones of the relationship, it’s probably doomed. I CAN say I have seen plenty of marriages formed from an affair that end because.....wait for it.......SOMEONE HAD AN AFFAIR! It’s a never ending cycle of betrayal.


There seems to be a lot of "feel good" A myths, and IMHO, this is one of them. Now, I agree that the above is the likely outcome, but I know of many in my relatively small circle of acquaintances (not friends, but people I know of) that have had long term M's after starting off as an A ... my XW and her XBF/OM are approaching 25 years now. I have no delusions that she hasn't cheated on him to, or that their M is a "happy" one, but I know of many M's who have never suffered an A (that I know of) that just exist and take care of business in spite of their own underlying problems/issues, including most of my long time (20+ years) friends and close hunting buddies. Only one of them would I consider to have a good, well balanced M.

A lot of people ignored red flags waving when they M'd their spouse, that later came back to bite them (myself included), and some of those red flags were that the relationship began as an A ... some will make it and some won't. Take my XW ... in retrospect, I M'd down, and she A'd laterally ... she is now in a relationship with OM that is actually more compatible for her. My biggest regret wasn't the A, but that I ignored the red flags that should have told me an A was inevitable, so I disappointed myself more than she ever did.

As for the topic of this thread ... IMHO, the physical is much worse. I've seen enough cases of delusional infatuation, especially from WW's, that they recover from rather quickly once NC is in place and are actually ashamed and embarrassed of some of the things they said and felt during the A, including my current W. So, with the EA, they can regain their senses, but with the PA, they can't un**** the OM.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

2lil2late said:


> Points well taken. The affair here was/is both. The marriage was poor to begin with, and we have two small children. It almost seems impossible to fully reconcile from a physical affair, but the failure and disappointment of the emotional side of it also seems to big to overcome. In many ways though, if a new happier relationship with the other person comes out of it, I would almost prefer that to serve as a good model for my kids than to stick out a bad marriage for the sake af keeping a nuclear family intact.


Is your affair partner single or currently with a girlfriend/wife?


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## 2lil2late (Mar 5, 2018)

I didn't read all the posts because they all seem the same. I did not have the affair. I had hoped this to be a safe placebo help me sort through my "out-of-the box" thoughts but I see that most are locked into one way of being and thinking. What a shame. I'm not even going to bother reading responses to my other thread.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

2lil2late said:


> I realize my last statement may not be received well, but I am a pretty open-minded person who often thinks outside of the box.


I agree. Kids are sensitive beings. If there is no love between the parents they learn that this is expected behavior. Not a good lesson to teach.

I am of the opinion that staying together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids is kidding yourself and is bad for the kids in the long run.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Of course a physical affair is worse. I know this from personal experience. No chance of getting an STI/STD/whatever, from a strictly emotional affair.

BUT when your spouse/partner gets intimate with someone else? You can get a life-threatening risk without your permission.

I would have much rather endured and resolved an emotional affair than what I am dealing with every day YEARS after my disgusting ex-wife stopped cheating and I divorced her.

My cancer "curing" drugs cost my insurance abut $25K every three weeks. I'm still trying to figure out how to pay my copays.

My teeth are shot from radiation and lack of saliva.

Stage 4 throat cancer from an HPV exposure.

I would have loved to just cry in hanky and go see a shrink compared to this--financial ruin and shortened life.

It's so not a philosophical question at all!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

So your on here two minutes and you want to judge the crowd. I was going to offer meaningful advice but i guess i won't even bother given that you are not going to read any further comments.


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## bencoll (Feb 16, 2018)

Both are really bad. But if I had to choose the greater evil, it would be emotional affair. Because then, there is no love for you anymore. With physical affair, it is just a release of sexual tension but with emotional affair, feelings for the other person are involved and that's much more difficult to shatter.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

2lil2late said:


> I didn't read all the posts because they all seem the same. I did not have the affair. I had hoped this to be a safe placebo help me sort through my "out-of-the box" thoughts but I see that most are locked into one way of being and thinking. What a shame. I'm not even going to bother reading responses to my other thread.


I didn't make that conclusion myself, however it was kind of understandable given the fact that in your other thread you were saying you wanted to divorce your husband, but gave no specific reasons for wanting to. You even said he was addressing all the stuff you had been complaining about.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

For me, I would more easily forgive an emotional affair where no sex was involved, and work towards rebuilding my marriage. If another man was inside my wife, there is no saving the marriage. I would never be able to look at her or touch her again. And I would add that the divorce would not be pretty, I would go scorched earth, not ruling out cleaning out the bank accounts and leaving the country.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The major component of both an EA or a PA simply put, is outright "deceit!"

Both are equally toxic and arduously test the bounds of any committed relationship!*


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

If you are not reading comments, maybe you should delete the thread and your profile. This is a place where people seek insight and advice and people offer sincere advice and observation based on their own experience and often to people who are hurting. Not all the advice or observation is the same and you do not have to agree with any of it. You just wasted everyone's time.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

2lil2late said:


> I didn't read all the posts because they all seem the same. I did not have the affair. I had hoped this to be a safe placebo help me sort through my "out-of-the box" thoughts but I see that most are locked into one way of being and thinking. What a shame. I'm not even going to bother reading responses to my other thread.


It really is a shame. 

Sometimes the last thing we WANT to hear is exactly what we NEED to hear.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

As far as marrying the affair partner goes, the chances they will stay together is a shocking only three in one hundred. Another study said ten out of one hundred adultery relationships last three years. Of those ten only one of those will last until ten years.

Divorceing for an affair partner is not really an option but everyone thinks they are different.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> As far as marrying the affair partner goes, the chances they will stay together is a shocking only three in one hundred. Another study said ten out of one hundred adultery relationships last three years. Of those ten only one of those will last until ten years.
> 
> Divorceing for an affair partner is not really an option but everyone thinks they are different.


My husband's exes relationship lasted less than a year. She is still alone 13 years later. 
A relationship started with cheating will almost certainly end with one or both cheating. I read of so many famous peoples marriage that end with one cheating, and then I read that one or both of them left their previous spouses for each other. I then think, what did you expect? I would have any interest in a man who had ever cheated on a spouse.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

If my wife had any kind of affair, EA or PA, it would destroy all trust I have in her and our marriage would never be the same. 

If there was real remorse and I felt like I might be able to forgive her, I would prefer a drunken one night stand PA to an EA without sex. 

I could excuse a temporary lapse of judgement more than falling in "love" with someone else over an extended period of time. For me marriage requires trust and either would be difficult to get over, but having a spouse romantically fall in love with someone else over a period of time while still living with you, sharing a marital bed, talking and sharing thoughts and discussions with you is a lack of trustworthiness I don't think could ever be undone in my mind.

I think that an EA is far worse than a ONS PA. If it were an extended PA, then that would be different because then the "love" think would like start to come into play.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

2lil2late said:


> I didn't read all the posts because they all seem the same. I did not have the affair. I had hoped this to be a safe placebo help me sort through my "out-of-the box" thoughts but I see that most are locked into one way of being and thinking. What a shame. I'm not even going to bother reading responses to my other thread.


Maybe we are all locked into one way of thinking because it's the right way of thinking. Affairs create pain and death. They are a lot like rape. You take away someones emotional agency in a very brutal way. Anyone who has gone through this knows it. Most of us will not call evil good.


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## Coach23 (Mar 16, 2018)

_No, I'm saying that if the results of an affair are divorce and the development of a happy relationship with the other person, which includes a stepparent who is a loving role model for my kids, is that one way to find a silver lining in all of this? I know that sounds really cavalier, but it's just something I'm tossing around in my head._

There is NO reason to say an affair is OK or acceptable even if that is the outcome. You’re married. Love, honor, cherish, for better or worse in sickness and health FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. Affairs mean the person has no respect for themselves, spouse, marriage or the wedding vows. If there are issues in a relationship, you discuss it and figure out how to fix it/get on the same page. We all change as the years go on no matter who your with there will be bumpy roads at times. If you work at it then you can overcome those time. You don't spread your legs or put your peter where it shouldn't be and absolutely devastating your partner, potentially changing the trajectory of who they are as a person. If you have children, the anger and tension can carry over to them and have an effect on how they look at love and marriage. You communicate and if there is no way to get on the same page you then discuss separation and possible divorce. Like a grown-up. Your question about what is worse. My wife had a Physical affair. No doubt in my mind for ME, I could have dealt with an Emotional affair easier, not saying it is any better or worse, but now I have issues with images and movies in my head about what went on. I'll never fully know as she was a lier, so who knows if what she tells me is the whole truth. I wasn't there. I truly doubt she has told me everything and it eats at me to this day. Just because people get married doesn't mean they can't have a crush on someone else from time to time, comeone lets be real there are feelings in all of us that can't just be turned off, but this is someone you take vows with to be the protector each others heart. This is the worst betrayel a person can have and it is absolutly devistating and destructive. Think about. Your born to parents, whoever they are, whatever type of people they are you had no choice in them. Your spouse, your took the time to put in the effort to get to know them and love them. You chose to give them the absolute most importent thing you have. Your heart, you chose to be vulnerable to them, the two of you made a choice to get married and made a promise in front of all your family, friends and God to each other and one of you decided it was ok to put the others heart through a meat grinder, step on it spit on it and make you feel unworthy of life itself.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

What's worse; shooting someone to death or knifing them to death?


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I could excuse a temporary lapse of judgement more than falling in "love" with someone else over an extended period of time. .


You see the thing is, they don't really ever fall in love, is just infatuation, and it only remains at that stage because they have limited secret time together, which just keeps infatuation going.....
True real love isn't possible like that, real love has challenges, suffering, joy and pain, and it remains standing. A Cheater isn't capable of falling in love, too crap a character for that.... 

Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> What's worse; shooting someone to death or knifing them to death?


......was thinking the same thing as I read all the posts ...... except I was going to choose a chainsaw or flamethrower.

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

A PA is just a dealbreaker for me. I might be able to get over an EA, not some dude dumping a load of DNA in my wife. Thats just crossing a line you can never come back from. So, definately a PA in my case.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> What's worse; shooting someone to death or knifing them to death?





Hurtin_Still said:


> ......was thinking the same thing as I read all the posts ...... except I was going to choose a chainsaw or flamethrower.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk


To keep the parallel construct of emotional vs physical, maybe it would spending time with and money on the chainsaw without running it, and using the chainsaw to saw up your spouse?


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