# Hope for the man whose wife left?



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Hello everyone,

I just stumbled across this site today and I am not much of an online discussion board poster. Kind of ironic since I work in a job with online education. I am feeling lost and don't know where to turn, so I thought I would post my story and see what anyone else had to say. According to all of the books I have been reading (and there have been a lot since she left) it is good to get all of the information I can, so here goes.

My wife and I have been married for 7.5 years, dating for 6 before that. She is also the first person I ever made love with. We were not young when we got married. I was 28 and she was 27. I have a great job with wonderful people (although I didn't realize it before the separation) and a nice house in a nice neighborhood with two cats and no kids (part of the issue, but more on that later).

One weekend she disappeared saying that her mother was not feeling well and she needed to be with her. She came back on that Sunday almost two months ago and told me that she didn't want to be married anymore. She was moving out back to the town she works in (about a 50 min drive from our town where I work). I did the typical response which was to get angry and also cry. I knew we had some issues, but I didn't think it would end. She had asked me to go to counseling before and being the typical male I didn't want to. I thought it would make me seem weak. 

The crux of the issues that we had were: I was too controlling (especially with money while I would spend money as well), I didn't "communicate with her," I wasn't interested in sex, and every time we would talk about something we would argue. She also felt that she always had to give in to me on "every issue." She wanted dogs, I wanted a cat. She wanted two cats, I wanted one. She wanted to live in a big city, I wanted to live in a small town, etc.

She left and moved in to a house in the town she works in and I have limited contact with her. She does not want to go to therapy with me. She made an ultimatum that I needed to go to therapy (which I have and have been consistently going for the last two months). Therapy has made all of the difference in the world as far as almost every aspect of my life except with her. I have patched things up with my parents (controlling father and submissive mother), I have found many new friends in my co-workers. I have even started to take care of myself physically (I have lost over 55 lbs, was at almost 350) and kept up on my healthy lifestyle even when I didn't "feel" like it. 

She says she doesn't love me anymore and that she would have taken care of me for the rest of my life if only I had not been so negative or controlling. I see where I went wrong, but she has not given me a sign that she thinks she did anything wrong in the marriage. Besides a quick "I'm sorry for anything that I did" statement. 

I have changed and I still want her back. I can truly say that she is the love of my life and that I feel that any problems we have can be easily fixed. There is nothing that can't be fixed with the proper amount of work (at least most things) and I am doing my part, but she still wants the divorce (and yet will not say "I want a divorce"). She always wraps it up in other statements that point toward it, but will not say the "divorce" word directly. 

My therapist told me that time is my greatest ally in this fight. Time for her to see the changes in me and time for her to miss me. I have tried over the last month to be positive in our interactions, but it gets tough sometimes. I have stopped lecturing her and criticizing her choices. My mantra has been "Never Give Up." Even when her personal therapist (a "Marriage Specialist") told her to get a divorce and gave her the names of attorneys after talking with her for only one hour. She has only been back once after that to have him tell her that there is nothing wrong with her.

I still have hope. God's greatest gift (and I am not an overly religious person) is hope! Hope that we can get back together and have that happy home and marriage that we both wanted when we said "I do." Just wondering what anyone else felt about the issue. I am sure I will become a regular poster here now. Felt kind of cathartic getting the small snapshot of my own personal Hell off of my chest. Thanks to all who moderate and keep this site running. 

With Hope - Dante'


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Dante-

You are off to a GREAT start. Keep up with the counseling regardless, because as you can see it is helping you.
As for the C telling your W to get a divorce after only meeting her once is a huge red flag. There are great therapists and not so great ones, and this one definitely falls into the latter one!
She should find a new therapist.

I feel your pain, I really do. From one control freak to another, I know exactly how you are feeling. I've been in C for about 5 months now dealing with some of the same issues that you are dealing with and have made leaps and bounds.

Time is your friend. I know, it's so hard when we are hurting and we want things to be fixed, like, right now.
As hard as it is, please keep your interactions positive as possible.

What books have you read? I would suggest Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis and The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. They are both books that have helped me tremendously.

Lastly, know that you are not alone! There are many, many of us here going through the same thing (too many actually) and everyone is very good at supporting one another.
Keep posting, this is a great place to vent and seek advice and support.

Keep your chin up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

My husband has responded the same way and honestly I think its selfish bitterness. Focus on yourself. Keep your hope but don't lose sight of what's important, YOU because if she never comes back you still have to live everyday. Good luck!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

DelinquentGurl,

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I found a wonderful counselor through one of the professors I work with who has been through a divorce. He is fantastic and always helps me see things the right way, even when I don't feel like it. He also calls me on any BS I try to lay down (which isn't much). I was so shocked to find this place and glad to see so much support. Here are the books I have read in the last month - you can tell I have a lot of free time:

Divorce Busting - Michelle Weiner Davis
If Only He Knew: Understanding Your Wife - Gary Smalley
Love Is A Decision - Gary Smalley
Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late: Whether She's Left Physically or Emotionally, All that Matters is - Gary Smalley
Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed - Gary Chapman
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - Steve Stosney and Patricia Love
The Divorce Remedy - Michelle Weiner Davis

Thanks for replying. I really appreciate it.

Dante'


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Dante-

I read both of Michele Weiner-Davis's books and liked them. I think Divorce Remedy is helping me the most.
I also have Hope for the separated and it is a little too Biblical for me. Don't get me wrong, I am a woman of faith but I do not enjoy reading about marriage according to The Bible.

I should be getting "Love must be tough" in the mail any day now, I hear it is very good.

I'm glad you like your counselor, that makes all the difference in the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Yummy,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's hard to do sometimes because all of this self improvement was because she left, but I do feel better about myself. I don't know why she won't come to therapy, but I sometimes think it is because she has lost hope. I wish I could turn on that switch, but I can't. It's tough facing a life without her. Loneliness is the biggest killer right now. Coming to an empty house with all of the ghosts of our marriage staring me in the face. She says it is tough on her because she had to leave her place of safety, but sitting in here and staring at all of her stuff (minus the clothes and few odds and ends) is horrifying. I just have to hope that she will start to miss me and see that I have changed. Even though she says people can't change (which I think is her way of rationalizing all of this). What can you do but wait and hope.

Dante'


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

People CAN change. They cannot change overnight and sometimes it takes a while for them to see and trust the changes are legit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

DelinquentGurl,

I agree with the Biblical stuff. I am Catholic and I believe in a non-literal translation of the Bible. I started reading these "Christian" books because my wife started quoting Biblical passages to me about how a man should love a wife. I also wanted a new perspective on the whole thing. What I took away from these books is not the Biblical things (I think Gary Smalley's books are the best of them) but the way to communicate with her. It helped me see that I was being harsh and angry with my language. I would at least check out some of Gary Smalley's stuff on Amazon and read the first bit and see if you like it and can live with the Bible passages. May be too much, but if you take it with a grain of salt it can be very enlightening and also funny.

Dante'


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

You're welcome Dante. I know the feeling and as hard as it is, I just think of how much my husband acts like he can't stand me and I keep moving forward. I can't keep wondering if he'll ever come back because honestly, why would I want someone who is as disrespectful as he has been? Just me though...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

It is tough when the significant other is acting that way. I admit in our relationship that I did some bad things...but I don't think that they are divorce worthy offenses. Especially if I am working on getting better. I still realize that I have to change for me, but I also have to believe that there is a chance. As David Lowrey of the band Cracker says...I see the light at the end of the tunnel now, someone please tell me it's not a train. She has said (in the early stages of the separation) "why would I want to be with someone who makes me feel like you do." I have to agree, but on the opposite side, why wouldn't you want to be with someone who is willing to change and has become more like he was when you were first dating. It is a catch-22 at times. I have to work on me to work on our relationship. The way I feel right now is like the old choose your own adventure books from the 80's. For those who don't know they were books where you would read the story to a certain point and then were faced with a choice. Turn to this page if you want to open the door, turn to this page if you want to go down the hallway. One of the choices inevitably lead to the main character dying and the other lead to the next part of the story. Every day it feels like I am reading the most painful choose your own adventure book in the world. Turn to this page to talk to her in a positive way, turn to this page to let your emotions get out of hand. Wrong page...divorce.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

dante said:


> DelinquentGurl,
> 
> I agree with the Biblical stuff. I am Catholic and I believe in a non-literal translation of the Bible. I started reading these "Christian" books because my wife started quoting Biblical passages to me about how a man should love a wife. I also wanted a new perspective on the whole thing. What I took away from these books is not the Biblical things (I think Gary Smalley's books are the best of them) but the way to communicate with her. It helped me see that I was being harsh and angry with my language. I would at least check out some of Gary Smalley's stuff on Amazon and read the first bit and see if you like it and can live with the Bible passages. May be too much, but if you take it with a grain of salt it can be very enlightening and also funny.
> 
> Dante'


Dante, have you considered Retrouvaille? I don't have any personal experience with it but I hear wonderful things about it. I am glad you have found a good counselor through this and I hope you continue to enjoy the improvements you're making in your life. Hopefully you can convince your wife to enjoy them, too.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Wemo,

I had never heard of that, but I checked it out and it looks like a great program. I would hope that my wife would be able to see that we could get back together and have a great marriage. I have changed so much in the last two months and she seems to have noticed (at least in some small part), but still seems like she is heading toward a divorce. She said it makes her happy that I am getting my life back together, but it makes her sad that she can't share it with me. I don't see why that is the case. Time is what we need right now and understanding. She is coming up to the house this weekend and I don't know how to approach it. She initially wanted to sort through some stuff, but volunteered to help me on a project for my side business. I know the prime motivator is the money that would end up in our bank account, but I can't help but think that if we can work well together on this that we can work well in other areas. I still hope, but I can't see why she won't recognize that I have changed in some little ways that would bring her back to me.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

dante said:


> It is tough when the significant other is acting that way. I admit in our relationship that I did some bad things...but I don't think that they are divorce worthy offenses. Especially if I am working on getting better. I still realize that I have to change for me, but I also have to believe that there is a chance. As David Lowrey of the band Cracker says...I see the light at the end of the tunnel now, someone please tell me it's not a train. She has said (in the early stages of the separation) "why would I want to be with someone who makes me feel like you do." I have to agree, but on the opposite side, why wouldn't you want to be with someone who is willing to change and has become more like he was when you were first dating. It is a catch-22 at times. I have to work on me to work on our relationship. The way I feel right now is like the old choose your own adventure books from the 80's. For those who don't know they were books where you would read the story to a certain point and then were faced with a choice. Turn to this page if you want to open the door, turn to this page if you want to go down the hallway. One of the choices inevitably lead to the main character dying and the other lead to the next part of the story. Every day it feels like I am reading the most painful choose your own adventure book in the world. Turn to this page to talk to her in a positive way, turn to this page to let your emotions get out of hand. Wrong page...divorce.


Dante, I don't know why some women will leave a great guy like you... I think I am exactly in your situation, of choosing my next adventure, only I felt I have completely messed up the MC last Wednesday and our marriage has completely flatlined. I got too emotional and ended up talking about how my husband proposed to me to love and to be with me forever -- crap!! and he was saying he was never really truly happy in the marriage. 

No divorce talks yet as mandated by our place of residence but I guess that was all formality.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

yourbabygirl,

I don't know why either, which is the hardest part. I admit all of my failings in the marriage. I have worked hard over the last month to set right what I broke, but it seems that no matter what I do it doesn't help. Maybe I am overanalysing it, but I just want her to be happy (but also want her to be happy with me). I don't want to make it seem like I had nothing to do with the separation. I was controlling, I was depressed, I was hypocritical, I was critical of her, but I know where all of that stems from. I had a very tenuous relationship with my father. He was very critical when I needed to be supported. He did it all out of love, but that's not what I needed. I don't blame him, I love him and accept what happened and we now, after a very short time, have a much better relationship.

It seems funny to me that I can fix all of the relationships in my life except the one that means the most to me. I don't truly believe that love dies. I think that it gets so wrapped up in anger, disappointment, and guilt that it gets shoved deep down inside. I have settled debts with my parents and the wonderful ladies that I work with, but it doesn't seem like I can settle debts with my wife. 

Even her parents (two very God fearing Christians) told her that it was her decision to make and they would not try to influence her decision. 

In most of the success stories I have read the one factor that contributed to the reconciliation of the marriage was that at least one person decided to change and fight for the marriage. Maybe this was just not meant to be for me. I never laid a hand on her, never abused her sexually, I don't drink or do drugs, but for some reason our differences seem insurmountable to her. How do you argue with "I don't love you anymore."

She said that her moving out was going to be the catalyst for change in her life. Exercise, eating better, spending more time with friends and developing her hobbies. From the snapshot that I get, she hasn't done much of that. I really hope she is happy if we end up in divorce, but I still remember the words of Winston Churchill...Never give up...never, never give up, never, never, never give up.

Dante


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

dante, I'm glad you aren't giving up hope. I don't know if you're familiar with the Marriage Builders concept of the love bank (if you go to the marriage builders website, it has the info) but basically if her love bank is in the red, it's going to take a lot of "deposits" to get it back into the black. 

I know it seems that all you've done the past month isn't making a difference to her, but she's been hurting for years and it's going to take some time to get to where you want her to be. Hopefully it will happen but unfortunately I don't think it's going to be a quick fix, KWIM?

And it's good you have been able to fix other relationships in your life. Obviously the changes you've made are good ones - steps in the right direction. But the biggest, most important relationship is the one with your wife so to me it only makes sense it would take the most time and energy to fix.

I think you have a great attitude about it - not giving up hope. :thumbup:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, I read your comments and joined this forum just so I could let you know that I can relate so much with what you are going through right now.

My situation is somewhat different, but the way you describe yourself seems so much like the way I am feeling too. I have been a loving, caring, and devoted husband who has never belittled my wife, and an amazing father for my son, but I have depression and have had a physical affliction that has been a major factor in my inefficacy the last several years. I give it all to keeping my job and doing the best with my child but there is nothing left in the tank at the end of the day.

I too have not shown my wife the affection she requires and I have been often too critical (unintentionally) and certainly will shoulder some of the blame for the failure of my marriage, but in my case my wife chose several years ago to live life in a way that brought nothing into the relationship - she was changing her life in so many ways and I enabled it hoping that it would spill over into our marriage and family but alas I patiently watched as she slipped away from me, and it feels like the stupidest mistake I could ever have made, but I couldn't or wouldn't act any other way... I didn't make any first steps and had no direction (even though we'd "tried" counseling).

I've felt totally abandoned, physically, left to wither by myself and try to live within my diminished budget as she has gone out most nights of the week dancing, partying socializing and holding back her own financial contributions so she could live it up and use me as a free nanny and the one to pay the bills. In turn she has become emotionally abandoned (not realizing her lack of physical presence is the major reason).

She hates being a mother and she absolutely hates our home, so she just avoids it. In April she had booked herself a hotel room in another city, saying she just wanted "alone" time (I guess because the party life is exhausting). I didn't like it but I wanted her to be happy, except days before her trip she announced she wanted a divorce. A seed of doubt was planted, the only reason it made sense was if she was having an affair, which it turns out is kinda true, she has actually given in to a long-lasting obsession and pursued many casual relationships with men (of a particular ethnicity associated with confidence and swagger) who pick her up at the bar. It has been a roller coaster ride for me, and I wish I had time on my side like you, because she is so far gone already - there was such an urgency to fix this, so much happened in the blink of an eye and professional counseling just took too long to happen.

So why am I writing this to you? I guess cause I feel for you... if there is really something there to fight for keep fighting for it, but make sure to make yourself the number 1 priority. In my case I have so much fight in me but nowhere to expend it, my wife has not looked back and has no remorse for what she has done. Tragically I was able to get the surgery I've been waiting for for many years in order to be able to breathe (and sleep) again, but literally as I was being wheeled out of the recovery room she was en route to her latest booty call. I feel so much that my commitment really does mean something that this is all still just a hurdle to get past in the marriage, but that is fading because a marriage takes two people.

I want you to know that it is ok to want to fix your marriage still, to have hope is wonderful, but make sure to recognize if she is truly done because if that happens you will need to let go. It is the most painful thing to let someone you love go, especially if there are other factors at work, but I am praying for you and thinking of you and the story you chose to share with this forum. All the best to you... Lon.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Lon,

Thank you so much for your words. I really want to keep fighting, but she is having nothing of it right now. I read your post and started to cry a little because I know that there are people out there like you and me who are going through this process feeling like they are totally alone. I am glad you felt comfortable sharing on this board with me (and everyone else). I have the same feelings as you do (abandoned, alone, rejected). I wonder what it is in some people that can allow them to put someone they "loved" through so much pain with out trying to work on it, but I guess that is why God gave us free will. Just know that I am here everyday and everyone on this board is here to help. I have yet to find an unkind heart in this group of wonderful people. It gives me hope for all of us that we will be ok in the end whatever the outcome and that there must be a wonderful award waiting for us in heaven, because we have all been through hell on earth. 

One of my favorite quotes from the final episode of MASH - Father Mulcahy-Look on the bright side, when we are asked to spend time in purgatory, we can say, “No thanks, I’ve done mine.”


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, I looked through the other, more recent, posts you have made on here and realized that indeed you seem past the point of "fighting" for something, except of course your own courage. I suspect I'll be on this forum quite a bit the next little while, it is so amazing (and also pisses me off that we're all so predictable) to be able to relate to people going through the exact same emotions.

lately, I feel strong more days than not, and I know I will be better off, I'm just frustrated at the thought of what happens between now and then.

Tomorrow I have a counsel session, and apparently my wife wants to come to this one, and I'm not really sure if I want that or not because when shes around it just slows my own progress, but I'll give her this one and make it clear that I need to work this out on my own.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Lon,

I do encourage you to keep up your own work regardless of what your wife does. It has helped me in all of my relationships (except the one I really wanted it to help) and made me a stronger person. If you read all of my posts you will probably see a pattern of up and down. I get really angry sometimes, but then all of the anger melts away and I just want her back in my arms. We weren't the perfect H and W, but I think we could have been really great together if she had recognized some of the things that I see now. I take my responsibility, but she doesn't seem to take her fair share of the burden. I still have hope, but it is small and fragile like the first ember in a tinder bundle (I really like survival reality shows like survivorman and dual survival) I just hope I can keep it going long enough to reignite the flame. Not much hope, just a fools hope as Gandalf says. Keep the faith and keep working on yourself. In the end you have to live with you 24/7. Let me and the rest of us know how you are doing. It really helps.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Dante -- I couldn't have said that any better. _I still have hope, but it is small and fragile like the first ember in a tinder bundle.. _

I know the saying "Choose your battles wisely!" After long, careful deliberation and asking for divine guidance, I realised that this one is worth fighting for. I also lived with the motto *"Twenty years from now you will regret the things that you didn't do than the things you did." * The truth is I wouldn't have gotten married with my husband if I didn't believe in that in the first place and in spite of all the cr*p and the heartache he has caused me, I would never regret what we had and I sincerely hope that there is still a lot more in store for both of us.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Absolutely I'm going to keep up the counselling and the work to take control of my life back... I've honestly been more confident now than ever that I'm doing everything under my control exactly how I need to (despite the loss and of course the relentless mundane everyday grind of life). Even at the very beginning of this whole thing, since my wife dropped the D word, I've felt strongly that at some level this is a blessing in disguise. Its not turning out how I really wanted (as in saving our marriage) but as far as shocking myself back to life it is reanimating parts of me that were dormant for a long time. It still hurts so deeply but I feel like I'm already further ahead without her in my life... so then I spiral back into guilt and grief.

I am really glad I found this forum because it feels "live" that is you and the other posters are actually going through this right now, and I can relate so much, so thanks!


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