# EA questions



## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm interested to know, does anybody out there think that's it possible for a straight man and a woman to be "just" friends?

Heres why I ask. About 1 1/2 years ago my wife ran into an old biyfriend from around 13 years ago. She told me about it and asked if I minded that she talked to him. Me being the trustfull husband said no. Every once in a while I'd check the phone records and see that maybe every week or so she'd talk to him for a while, no big deal. He's married (going through a divorce) with similar aged kids as us, and they've gotten together so the kids could play a few times, her always asking me before hand.

Thing is I'm in the military and currently 2 months into a 7 month deployment. About two weeks after I left they started talking a lot more frequently, and they met at an amusement park so the kids could play. She's been honest with me about how often they talk and about meeting him there. She knows that I check the phone records and hasn't tried to hide it or get a secret phone or anything. She doesn't get along well with other women for the most part and says that he's like a girlfriend. She assures me that I'm the only one she wants and there is no attraction at all between him and her. Our relationship hasn't suffered and considering we talk through emails, it seems to have gotten better. Oh yeah, she says that she doesn't talk about our private matters with him.

On the other hand, I've recently gotten in touch with a woman I used to know years ago, (there was never a relationship between us, she was a friends GF and I remained friends with her after they split) and I talk to her through email and phone occasionally, my wife knows this and says she doesn't care. there is also a woman deployed with me that I talk to sometimes about advice and just to get a womans perspective on certain matters, my wife knows about this. There is no sexual interest, and I would not cheat. 

She has nothing to worry about with me, but any opinions on whether I should be worried? Like I said I'm deployed and other than checking the phone records there is nothing I can do as far as investigating. I'm not uncomfortable with the fact she talks to the guy but it does bother me that it's so much now. I think it's just because I'm jealous that I can't, not necessarily that he is. She has said before that if I wanted her to stop, she would hate losing a friend but that she would. If I did say that though it could just push her underground and I would have no way to verify anything, at least now i have the phone records and her word.

Any opinions?


----------



## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

For me personally, yes I've had alot of guy friends and it IS possible to have a platonic relationship. 

In your case, the guy is going through a divorce and she's been seeing him alot more and she says it's casual...seems too much like my situation. Lemme explain:

About 2 years ago a guy my H worked with signed him up at the American Legion as a member where he met the OW who was the karaoke person. He told me about her and suggested I become a Legion member also. I met her and she seemed like a sweet person, married with 2 kids and real tight with her family.
Last summer H was spending alot of time with her and her family doing things at the Legion, seemed ok to me. Then it progressed to him asking me if he could go to her house with her family to play board games...uh sure ok. 
In the fall, we bought a house and acquired a jobless roomate (48 yr old divorced bum dad) Pretty soon after, H was going out alot and I got quite tired of being around her and her family. H claimed he was sick of being around our roomate and that's why he went out so much.
It was right after our 11 yr anniversay in January that I found "I love you and miss you" texts and emails. I was astounded! I should have seen it coming! 
I won't bore you with the next few months of forcing him to break it off with her but if I were in your shoes, I would be leary.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Just be careful, both of you.
I have a good female friend. She is also friends with my wife. I used to talk to her all the time about her boyfriend and their love/hate relationship. Since she has dumped him and found another, we don't talk as much, partly because she is in a better place, partly because we both thought that it was slightly inappropriate. We still double date some and have get togethers and I love her as much as ever(platonically)(sp), but she and I seldom see each other alone or talk on the phone for more than a minute or two.
Just be careful that both of you don't get too close to the friend, especially the one getting a divorce.


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Your post doesn't raise any red flags to me. The fact that you sought out a forum to ask the question says a lot though. You do not seem like a controlling man, you seem very trusting, yet something is clearly making you worry. Trust yourself. Be honest with your W. Tell her that you're uneasy and see how she responds. Even if everything still seems legit, it may be time to introduce new rules in your M. No one on one outings with same sex friends, perhaps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

I actually found this forum through a google search about a sex topic and joined to ask a question in that forum. Then I started reading around and found my way to the infidelity section. I understood the concept but had never really thought of an EA specifically.

I brought it up to her in an email and she said she never thought about it either. I asked her if they had ever talked about anything that she would feel the need to hide and if I was home if she would be fine with talking in front of me, letting me listen in on the conversation or letting me read the texts. She said she wouldn't care and that she would never neglect or ignore me to talk to him. Granted I'm on the other side of the world and have to take her word for it. I suppose I can't help but worry though, I'm on an aircraft carrier surrounded by people but all alone with a lot of time to let thoughts run rampant through my head. 

I'll just have to do what I can until I get home, then lay down the law. Tell her her number one is home and it's time for this other guy to get lost.


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I think it is a tough one. Some old flames are not anything for ex GF and BF but I ran into an ex and I could so see falling into a thing with her again very easy. 
You may trust your wife and she may be telling the truth they are just friends. You are deployed. She should have close female friends in the end a guy always hopes for what....sex...... The same reason we want to lock our daughters away from all males. Think of fraternization (I'm military also) It's not suppossed to happen but it does. You can be distracted by an attractive opposite sex higher ranking no.
She has an emotional need he does. Your away and he is divorcing right?!
So I am babbling but I hope you get my point. I would say have a serious chat or write, hand write a letter to your W. Hand writing has more meaning nowadays. Tell her your concerns hive her some references about EA. EA leads to PA. She could be going down the road and not realize it. It is a slow breakdown of barriers. Does she understand EA. Does she believe it is real? Does she understand it could lead to the downfall of your M. IMHO, you have some warning signs. So do all the things they say to do to win your spouse back. Be flirty all the things that she fell in live with you for. 
That is just my opinion. There is a ton of info out there and wiser folks than me. I however would not just shrug it off after the road I have gone down with my W's EA/PA. Know your enemy. Better IMHO to act on this intel and be wrong and maintain a healthy M than not act on it and wake up saying if only I had spoken up. 
Read about validation, NLP, how to word things for more effective communication. Use google checkout marriagebuilders.com as well. 

Goto the mens clubhouse read No More Mr Nice Guy. Hold onto your N.U.T.S.

Defend your marriage if she gets mad because you have an issue withe her talking so much with him then there is an issue. Body language tone of voice are the indicators I had missed. Change of behavior. 
If you believe EA, gather evidence first. Phone record you should be able to access online. Breathe and use the 24 hour rule before you confront her on something.

He should be finding a male friend to confide in not your W. I believe this to be dangerous territory for your M.

I a not a pro. Just been through (seperating now) my W EA/PA if I had all this knowledge then I would have caught it.

See the chaplain for support.

Good Luck


----------



## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

Always...and I mean...ALWAYS...follow your gut.

Your gut is obviously telling you that you don't trust this situation. I know that you want to trust your wife but you do not trust the situation. 

You are gone and he is divorcing. Both of them are lonely and are talking to each other for support. They see each other more than you and your wife see each other. These are things that could lead them down the wrong path. 

Marriage is about communication and that means when you feel uncomfortable, you should say something. If she decides to go underground on you...know that if something does transpire, there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. You bringing up your feelings is all you can do right now... if she ends up cheating...it will eventually come out but that will be on her and not you.

I hope it turns out for the best...

Infidelity Rage


----------



## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Until I married a jealous man, I did have several platonic male friends for many years. I never thought to take any of those friendship to the next level. Now I'm not sure if my male friends saw me only as a friend or were hoping for more. I tend to think that perhaps some men just can't keep platonic friendship. ???


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is spending/texting way toooo much, with this guy---it is inappropriate for a married woman to do this---if it hasn't already happened, one of these days something will happen----you will never even know about it-----you are also out of bounds, with too much time being spent with other women

You both want to be with members of the other sex, then get a divorce and be single----then NO ONE WILL CARE----you wanna be married, then act like marrieds are spose to act.

Cheaters are devious, they manipulate, and lie---just cuz your wife asks permission, or tells you when she's with this guy---doesn't mean that something illicit, isn't happening

It is time for your wife to get some GF's, and stop spending time with other men----she is married---that means she spends the time with you, and no one else---ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE DEPLOYED, AND CAN'T EVEN DEFEND YOURSELF IN THE MGE.

And you can do something while you are away-----you can have your kids let you know what is going on physically if she sees the guy---and you can demand she keeps the phone open to you---if she goes secretive on you---then your mge., has major problems


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

What about chain of command? Can you get emergency leave for a marital issue like this. Get to the chaplain respectfully push for some help. The Army Active Duty and the Air Guard (unsure about AD) Support a program called Strong Bonds, it is to enhance marital relationships and communication. Ask your chaplain, even if your are not religious. you are on a floating city there has got to be help there. Military onesource can offer over the phone councilling. 

Err on the side of caution. Do not mention the phone records anymore. Check them, print them, save them, sure. Journal activity and change of behavior, oddities, strange times she is not home just protect yourself in case. If you continue to mention phone bill then she will get another cell and you will not know. EA's feed on Drama. Educate yourself.

Hopefully they are just friends, either way you will learn and grow. If you can get emergency leave, my dad a former Navy guy, said they always returned home unannaounced. No time for her to hide anything, have a buddy bring you home. 

Seal team 6 it.

Good luck, I hope and pray it is nothing. Before you act educate yourself.


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Oposite sex friends are fine if both you and your spouse have the same feelings on the matter. From what you say, it sounds like you are uncertain about it. You "know" that you are fine but worry about her. Either of you could slip into something more. I think that texting that amount is not excessive but you know your wife better. The real questions to ask are what are each of you doing to protect your relationship? If you set boundaries and have a real discussion about each of your friends then it can work in my opinion. However if you have any issues that are not being addressed that can cause either one of you to bond with another for support regarding those issues, then you are at risk. Both spouses should be on the same page regarding friends or it's a mistake. It shounds like you are not on the same page.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm not being a smarta$$, & I'm not implying she does have one, but a secret cell phone is..well..a secret. She could especially keep that secret since you're not home.

I think Meson is right about having a talk about friends of the opposite sex. You can tell her about the women you talk to & that even though there's nothing going on, it's made you realize that both of you need to lay off having close opp. sex friends while you're away. That actually would be good for both of you to have some kind of agreement & stick w/it. That way, too, if her friendship is in fact just friendship, you won't come off as pushy & risk having her run to him to complain about you being a jerk. That could be especially bad if he really is a horny opportunist.

I get having guy friends; I've always been like that myself. However, time that used to be spent w/the H, time that is now very lonely, should not be spent w/another guy, even if he is just a friend. It's asking for trouble. Remember, too, that this guy wasn't just a friend; he was a bf.


----------

