# Adult kids and ex step father-QUestion



## exwife2 (Jan 10, 2013)

Was married to my 2nd husband for 20 years, my kids lived with us, his boys visited every other weekend. All kids are now grown, with kids of their own. Problem- My ex (who was my daughter's step father) now creates stress and conflict any/every time a special occasion for the kids or grandkids comes up. He insists it should be him and I attending, and that I shouldnt bring my boyfriend of 3 years.
He gets into how I am selfish and not thinking of the kids since I know he wont go if I bring my BF with me.
We have been divorced for 3 years, and he has a girlfriend as well. I say we both bring who we want, and I am ok with that. I dont feel my ex should be dictating who I can bring to my own families events!
I dont see nor talk to his kids or grandkids anymore, they live across country and he persuaded them to not be in contact with me anymore, yet he wants full involvement with mine. Which is fine and great for the kids, but I dont think he should be telling me who I can bring and then telling them he"cant come" because I am bringing my bf. 

Thoughts on how to resolve this? I am tired of it and so are my daughters, they want both of us there, but know he will have a fit and refuse to come and get upset if I bring my BF so want me to concede to his wishes to keep the peace. I dont think Its fair to my current BF or me, and interferes with our relationship and his forming a relationship with my kids if he feels they will always pick their ex stepfather instead of him!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sounds like he feels very attached to your children. You say your children are grown? How do they feel about him? Do they think of him as dad? Are they able to make their own decisions?

I think he needs to discuss this with them. His relationship with other adults is not your business, even if they are your children.

Sorry for the snarky sound of this. i wasn't angry when I typed it. I just wanted you to see what I see.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I think I know what's going on with him. The selfishness projected on you ("you're be selfish!"), the controlling attitude over his grown children, the jealousy plot! It's all about the ego at this point. He feels insecure seeing you happy when he's not and it's driving him crazy. I'm guessing he cheated, right? You see this a lot in cheaters after their love affair ends very quickly. Three years? No surprise there as most affairs are pretty much over after three years. 

I wish there was something I could TELL YOU, but everything that needs to be said needs to be said to your boyfriend. Mostly tell that if he stands up to your ex, your ex will back off. And reassure him that your children love him and will be very supportive of your relationship because they want to see their mom happy. If your ex husband can't figure out that he needs to cool it then you know what you have to..... yup, No Contact isn't just for the newly separated and divorced. 

Also watch the calander! There's something about the second half of January that makes people more depressed and more desperate than any other time of the year. Be prepared for a couple temper tantrums and guilt trips from him is all I'm sayin.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Simple, you make the GROWN CHILDREN decide how THEY want to run THEIR lives.

Since these social affairs are for THEIR benefit and the benefit of THEIR children, I'm assuming THEY are the hosts of these events. As such, is it THEIR responsibility (and their responsibility )to invite people to these functions. It is NOT your EX-H's responsibility.

Tell the kids flatly, this is YOUR party and you may invite whomever you wish. My BF of THREE YEARS is an important part of MY LIFE and, therefore, in YOUR lives. I will accept NO INVITATIONS that exclude my SO of THREE YEARS. I understand that you want to have your parties the way you see fit, invite whom you want, and have a stress-free environment. I do truly understand that. That being said, being an adult is ALSO about ASSUMING responsibility, showing and requiring respect, and setting boundaries.

You are free to deal with (step-dad/dad/ex-stepdad/name) in any manner you and your spouse see fit. I know you will do what is right for YOU as I am doing what is right for ME and SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

Be willing to walk away if necessary because respect for your EX-H over your SO will damage YOUR relationship ultimately. And it isn't even your KIDS who have a problem with your SO...it's your EX-H and HE can bite it!


If the adult kids don't know what to say to him, it's very easy. "I'm sorry (dad, Tom, watever), this is OUR party and WE decide who is invited. If YOU CHOOSE not to attend, we're sorry; we'll miss you." This puts the onus on HIM...where it SHOULD be.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Simple, you make the GROWN CHILDREN decide how THEY want to run THEIR lives.
> 
> Since these social affairs are for THEIR benefit and the benefit of THEIR children, I'm assuming THEY are the hosts of these events. As such, is it THEIR responsibility (and their responsibility )to invite people to these functions. It is NOT your EX-H's responsibility.
> 
> ...


:iagree: That pretty much is what I was thinking.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Obviously your kids still want to have him in their lives, but they need to have a discussion with him and set boundaries. As their mom, YOU should not be the one expected to make the concessions.


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