# Fence sitting



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I ve been a member here for a little over 4 years. I have learned a lot in my time here. You guys rock! Unfortunately, none of the advice I have gotten has worked for my marriage. I have been workng on the only thing I can change, myself. I have come a long way in the last 4 years. 

I have come to the conclusion that my husband isn't going to ever change and this is how my life will be, if I continue to stay married to him. I have told him what I need from him and he refuses. I have sat on the fence for long enough. Knowing what ive needed to do, not being able to jump in either direction.. 

Doesn't help me whatsoever with anything. We have 2 kids, I can't even get him to help me with them. The last time I asked him for help, he said I dont have to help you, I work!  Ive been on my own for so long, even though still married and living under the same roof.. And quite frankly I am just tired of it. I may not have a job outside of the home, but I work 24/7 365 days a year with no help with anything. 

Then a couple of weeks ago, he gets pissed off at me becasue I had to take my mom to the er. That was an 8 hr trip. I come home just to find out that his brother now lives here, never asked me or mentioned it once. Then this weekend his son moved in, never once mentioned that either.. there are now 6 people in this tiny house.. 

There is way to much resentment on my part and everything has been unresolved, I gave up trying to talk to him about anything 2 years ago, its pointless. Not to mention we havent had sex in almost a year, not that I want to have sex with him at this point.. 

Its a huge mess and ugly. Not exactly what I invisioned marriage to be, when i married him.. There are more downs then ups... I didnt sign up to be celibate or to live married life alone..

Last year, I decided that I would give him a year to turn things around, that hasnt happened. Next month will be a year. I wil be moving out the end of this month, while he is at work. I dont want to deal with the drama or hurt my children more, moving out while he is here. I havent even told him I am leaving. Why? Because he will just threaten me, call me names. I want to leave as peacefully as possible for my kids sake. I dont want them anymore upset then they need to be. And I just dont want to deal with his bull ****, hes had way more then enough time.. So I have had enough and I am done! Moving on!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

See you... good luck


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Oh wow. I don't know you lady bird, but it sounds like you have been through a lot.

You are right, you can only change yourself and you did all that you could. 

Just make sure you will not be breaking any laws by secretly leaving the home with your children. Every state is different. 

Best of luck to you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ladybird said:


> I wil be moving out the end of this month, while he is at work. I dont want to deal with the drama or hurt my children more, moving out while he is here. I havent even told him I am leaving.


Oh, right, I'm sure moving out of the house with the kids while he is at work without giving him any notice will make the transition as peaceful as possible for the children. He'll just come home after a hard day's work, take a look around and realize everyone is gone, who knows where, and he'll just put down his briefcase, and put his feet up on the coffee table and put on a sports game or something since he's got the rest of his life to himself. 

Is that even legal?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Not sure why this is in the "Sex in Marriage" forum, but...

Have you talked to a lawyer about your rights and obligations? How far away are you moving?

Wish you well, though!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you haven't, see a lawyer. You should be able to take half of any liquid assets to support your move. You'll want a support order in place ASAP as well, unless you have some other means of support. It's easier to take your share of any accounts than try to get it later. Also take latest copies of any bank or investment statements, copies of his paychecks, tax returns, etc., birth certificates, and anything else that you may need later and won't be able to return for.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> If you haven't, see a lawyer. You should be able to take half of any liquid assets to support your move. You'll want a support order in place ASAP as well, unless you have some other means of support. It's easier to take your share of any accounts than try to get it later. Also take latest copies of any bank or investment statements, copies of his paychecks, tax returns, etc., birth certificates, and anything else that you may need later and won't be able to return for.


When talking about taking assets, keep in mind being responsible for debts. Taking half the money and running while still leaving him with a mortgage and all the joint bills would not be right. For that matter, taking the kids away from their home may be frowned upon too, if he puts up a fuss about it. Which it doesn't sound like he's likely to do, until he gets hit with child support...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

PBear said:


> When talking about taking assets, keep in mind being responsible for debts. Taking half the money and running while still leaving him with a mortgage and all the joint bills would not be right. For that matter, taking the kids away from their home may be frowned upon too, if he puts up a fuss about it. Which it doesn't sound like he's likely to do, until he gets hit with child support...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, keep this in mind, too. Which is why you should obtain legal counsel before acting, to stay within the law of your state.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I see you've moved out and threatened divorce before.



ladybird said:


> ****UPDATE****
> 
> I am still staying at my mothers house. I have been unable to find a job other then making a couple hundred a month online (the job market sucks right now.) Other then that I am doing alright.
> 
> ...


So you've been down this road before.

I guess your husband will come home and say "here we go again, I wonder how long she'll stay at mom's house this time".


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Oh, right, I'm sure moving out of the house with the kids while he is at work without giving him any notice will make the transition as peaceful as possible for the children. He'll just come home after a hard day's work, take a look around and realize everyone is gone, who knows where, and he'll just put down his briefcase, and put his feet up on the coffee table and put on a sports game or something since he's got the rest of his life to himself.
> 
> *Is that even legal*?


Yes.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

He will have his mother and son for company.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Ladybird:

are you taking your children with you when you move out?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Yes.


Sam:

if it is in fact legal, do you mean then that either parent can grab their children and move out WITH them?? I am just curious on what state laws say on that.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I was hoping this post was about a new sex position i hadn't heard of.........feeling let down.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

lenzi said:


> I see you've moved out and threatened divorce before.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Im gone permanently. No going back this time.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Ladybird:
> 
> are you taking your children with you when you move out?


 Yes they are going with me!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

lenzi said:


> Oh, right, I'm sure moving out of the house with the kids while he is at work without giving him any notice will make the transition as peaceful as possible for the children. He'll just come home after a hard day's work, take a look around and realize everyone is gone, who knows where, and he'll just put down his briefcase, and put his feet up on the coffee table and put on a sports game or something since he's got the rest of his life to himself.
> 
> Is that even legal?


 I have had enough of fighting with him.. He will not let me leave.. would it be better for me to tell him im moving out so he can yell and scream at me and call me filty names in front of our children or possibly get violent. I think not!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> Not sure why this is in the "Sex in Marriage" forum, but...
> 
> Have you talked to a lawyer about your rights and obligations? How far away are you moving?
> 
> ...


I havent yet, but im going to call tomorrow to get an appointment to talk to a layer. Ill still be in same city, not to far away actually..

I had no idea I posted in sex and marriage. I thought I was in general....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Just curious, but am I the only one to read the thread title too quickly and see "face sitting"? Sorry for the thread jack, OP.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> If you haven't, see a lawyer. You should be able to take half of any liquid assets to support your move. You'll want a support order in place ASAP as well, unless you have some other means of support. It's easier to take your share of any accounts than try to get it later. Also take latest copies of any bank or investment statements, copies of his paychecks, tax returns, etc., birth certificates, and anything else that you may need later and won't be able to return for.


 I dont want anything, I just want out


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> When talking about taking assets, keep in mind being responsible for debts. Taking half the money and running while still leaving him with a mortgage and all the joint bills would not be right. For that matter, taking the kids away from their home may be frowned upon too, if he puts up a fuss about it. Which it doesn't sound like he's likely to do, until he gets hit with child support...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Im not taking any of his money.. so what am I supposed to do? Stay here and be yelled at and treated like a peice of garbage. He has never once taken care of his children, I do... woman leave with kids all the time..


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Just curious, but am I the only one to read the thread title too quickly and see "face sitting"? Sorry for the thread jack, OP.


 Lol


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Ladybird, apart from being disrespectful of you and taking you for granted, is your H actually abusive? Is this why you want to move out whilst he's at work? If he's abusive, have you kept a log of the abuse? 

I think you should actually talk to a lawyer before moving out and have things legally documented.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> Ladybird, apart from being disrespectful of you and taking you for granted, is your H actually abusive? Is this why you want to move out whilst he's at work? If he's abusive, have you kept a log of the abuse?
> 
> I think you should actually talk to a lawyer before moving out and have things legally documented.


 Hes hit me twice, a long time ago.. he throws things at me.. but its more emotional abuse more then anything else. 

I am calling a layer tomorrow morning to make an appointment.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Just curious, but am I the only one to read the thread title too quickly and see "face sitting"? Sorry for the thread jack, OP.


I read fence sitting. Then though OUCH.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ladybird said:


> Hes hit me twice, a long time ago.. he throws things at me.. but its more emotional abuse more then anything else.
> 
> I am calling a layer tomorrow morning to make an appointment.


Good plan, Ladybird...

As your H has a history of violence (albeit a long time ago) You might also phone your local women's centre and ask them to help you to form a safe exit plan.

There are also things that you will need to plan to take with you, and you might find this link helpful:-

Leaving an abusive situation: emergency checklist for leaving a domestic violence situation

Also, you might look up your local Women's Aid telephone number and chat to them.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

ladybird said:


> I dont want anything, I just want out


that would be foolish. Go see a lawyer before you do anything even more foolish. you need child support and possibly alimony from this "husband".


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Ladybird I understand you not wanting what is his. I have been in a similar position. I don't want what is my husbands. He is self employed and I don't want to have his business fold because I want half of his assets. He has been the one who has worked and it is his money I suppose. I have never had access to it so why would I take it now. Where I live a credit card is a handy thing. In some cases you can put the children needs, and only the children on it. Groceries, doctors, clothes, medicines and such and until he starts giving you money for child support this will count as his support. When the time does come legally 1/2 of that credit card debt will be his responsibility. Half of it will re yours to though so do be careful. Save each and every receipt so it will stand as proof that it was to meet the kids needs not yours, and it was nto used on foolish things. Ask a lawyer about this and see it this applies in your state. 

You may also want to file for temporary sole guardianship of the kids. That way he cannot get you for kidnapping, and he cannot go to day care or school and get them with out your knowledge. If you file for temporary sole guardianship he will not be notified for 30 days. (or at least that is how it used to be) 

Also check the laws of abandonment. In my state you have to disclose that you are leaving or it is abandonment and the courts really look down on that. 

Definitely talk to a lawyer before doing anything. Since he has hit you before a woman's shelter may be a good option. They are partially obligated to keep you safe. 

Best of luck, be safe and take care of your self and your precious children.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ladybird said:


> Im not taking any of his money.. so what am I supposed to do? Stay here and be yelled at and treated like a peice of garbage. He has never once taken care of his children, I do... woman leave with kids all the time..


What should you do? What people have told you in here, and what you're planning on doing. Talking to a lawyer first. Find out what your legal rights and responsibilities are. And then use that knowledge to decide what you need to do and can do.

And you should take child support, if nothing else. That money is your children's money. If you don't need it now, stick it in an investment for them for college.

C


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have an appointment to talk to an attorney this coming tuesday!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Good job! Let us know how it goes, if you don't mind. 

C


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> Good job! Let us know how it goes, if you don't mind.
> 
> C


 I will letcha know


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Talked to an attorney this afternoon. I will not be breaking any laws leaving with our children. Just as long as I dont leave the state or country. I also dont have to tell him Im leaving him, I can just get up and go, however h will need to know where his childen will be and if he harasses me, a restraining order will be put in place....

I will more then likely wont get any spousal support, I told him I didnt want it anyway..

The attorney will actually give me a discount for the retainer, but I cant afford it right now anyway....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ladybird said:


> I will more then likely wont get any spousal support, I told him I didnt want it anyway..
> 
> The attorney will actually give me a discount for the retainer, but I cant afford it right now anyway....


You can't afford a retainer yet you told your husband you don't want spousal support.

The logic escapes me. 

When mothers play the martyr and let the father off the hook for support, you know who gets hurt?

The children.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

lenzi said:


> You can't afford a retainer yet you told your husband you don't want spousal support.
> 
> The logic escapes me.
> 
> ...


The lawyer told me I probably won't get spousal support, anyway.. My kids will be just fine.. He will be paying child support! I am not money hungry. There are way to many men who get totally ****ed over. I may not want to be married to him anymore, but he has to live too..


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ladybird said:


> The lawyer told me I probably won't get spousal support, anyway.. My kids will be just fine.. He will be paying child support! I am not money hungry. There are way to many men who get totally ****ed over. I may not want to be married to him anymore, but he has to live too..



Having been through a contested divorce, I can give you an idea of how the process works. Most divorces do not go to trial, most divorces are settled between the parties, either early on, or as late as in the courthouse hallway on the date of the trial.

There's a lot of negotiating. A lot of back and forth. He's going to try to pay as little as possible, and your goal should be to get as much as possible. Then you settle for something in between.

So for example let's say through your attorney you ask for $500 per month spousal, $1000 per month in child support and 50% of his retirement, and he says I'll give you $500 per month in child support and 35% of retirement, and no spousal, then your attorney comes back with, ok we'll drop the spousal support requirement if you give us what we want for child support and retirement. 

For you to say right up front "I won't ask for spousal" is basically giving away a huge negotiating edge. 

Who gives a rat's ass if other guys get screwed over or if you're money hungry? 

Ask for everything, then settle for something reasonable. 

Or ask for something reasonable, and get screwed.

Don't expect him to be reasonable. Even reasonable people change during divorce. 

Remember you can survive on little to nothing but the children will be hurt.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Wrong forum


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

*****UPDATE*****

It is now the first of august and I m still here... lady I m moving In with is on housing and I need to be approved first, before I can move in. I filled out the application over 3 weeks ago! Which they are working on the background check now... I told my husband on Wednesday that I was moving out and I would be out early next week. He didn't believe me, until today. 

The place that does the screening called my land lord yesterday and land lord sent h an email, asking if we were looking for another house.. H called land lord to get more info. Land lord said that It was a reference for me.. So h calls me and says he doesnt understand why I want to move out!! WTF REALLY.. He must have forgetten everthing ive said to him the last 5 years. Can someone really be that dence, I guess so!


Looking forward to monday when I should hear back from housing if ive been approved or not!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Wrong forum


I know it is!


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

ladybird, good for you. Keep your head up and keep looking forward. I wish you the best of luck.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

one_strange_otter said:


> I was hoping this post was about a new sex position i hadn't heard of.........feeling let down.


I know, at first glance I thought the title said "face sitting"


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