# Stressed Husband



## schq8 (May 21, 2014)

Me and my wife have been married since 21 years. Ever since the opening up of the internet and easy/cheap communication though desktop computer or mobiles, she has established links with her old friends and made some new ones through social networking sites (facebook, etc.).
She was working during the first few years of our marriage, but after the birth of our daughter, she became a housemaker and spends most of the time at home now.
She had started communicating with her ex-bf which I saw on her phone. I had discussed with her and put a stop to that.
Then there was another male (not the ex-bf) whom she became friends on FB (no actual meeting has taken place). She was exchanging double meaning messages and dirty adult jokes and graphics with him. I believe that she and he even talked on the phone a few times. I also saw most of the communication which she had with him on her phone/fb chat and had to also discussed with her and put a stop to that. I had told her at that time that its not right for a mature married woman (& mother of our teenaged daughter) to exchange adult jokes/graphics with males.
Now I find out that she’s still doing it but with one of her male classmates from school days. She claims they are just friends and he’s like a brother to her and that many females she knows also do stuff like this.
Now with the 3rd guy, I’ve been seeing her communication and know for a fact that she’s been deleting most of them or editing out some of them.
Its driving me crazy. How many guys do I have to deal with before I do something extreme?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

schq8 said:


> Me and my wife have been married since 21 years. Ever since the opening up of the internet and easy/cheap communication though desktop computer or mobiles, she has established links with her old friends and made some new ones through social networking sites (facebook, etc.).
> She was working during the first few years of our marriage, but after the birth of our daughter, she became a housemaker and spends most of the time at home now.
> She had started communicating with her ex-bf which I saw on her phone. I had discussed with her and put a stop to that.
> Then there was another male (not the ex-bf) whom she became friends on FB (no actual meeting has taken place). She was exchanging double meaning messages and dirty adult jokes and graphics with him. I believe that she and he even talked on the phone a few times. I also saw most of the communication which she had with him on her phone/fb chat and had to also discussed with her and put a stop to that. I had told her at that time that its not right for a mature married woman (& mother of our teenaged daughter) to exchange adult jokes/graphics with males.
> ...


Read so many stories like this and it really puzzles me how it can be such a problem. 

If my spouse saw me communicating with an old female friend and told me she was uncomfortable about it, I'd stop. No big deal. Maybe that's because I have loyalty, and am not a cheater.

It may be indicative of behavior for those that do have a higher propensity to cheat. They are focused on themselves, and cannot accept anyone, including spouse, asking them to do something they don't want to do. They want what they want, an will do as they please.

Maybe its time to lay it on the line that you think this is her signal that the marriage is in trouble, and you want to act on that. Get her the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends". That ought to catch her attention, and see how disturbed you are.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


Consequences may be a motivation but aren't the reason that things change. It is because the WS want them to. Unfortunately you can set all the boundaries and consequences that you would care to but if the WS doesn't care to stop then the only things you can do is to accept it and live like that (not an option in my book) or move on and end the relationship/ marriage. IF the WS wants to cheat they will find a way to do it, especially in this age of modern and constantly evolving technology. 


I always wonder if the CEO's of these big corporations, such as Twitter, FaceBook, etc, were cheated on by their spouse through the use of one of their hiding apps, like snapchat, poke, etc, would they be so quick to keep pushing for their development or would they gain a greater social awareness, consciousness, and responsibility??


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

schq8 said:


> How many guys do I have to deal with before I do something extreme?


You don't have to do something extreme, at least at this point. You sit down with her and have a calm discussion. The last discussion you will have with her about it.

You can tell her this:

_I can't control what you do. I can only control what I accept from you; and I won't continue to accept your communication with male friends. It's been inappropriate, it makes me feel very uncomfortable and now you are deleting all or parts of it, making me feel even more suspicious. There should be no secrets in a marriage.

I'm asking you to stop, and for you to let me verify that you have._

If that doesn't work; *THEN* it's time for extreme. No sense having that conversation with her if you aren't willing to give her a consequence for not respecting a reasonable marital boundary. And I'm sure you know what the consequences should be.

Good luck.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Badmemory nailed it. 

Don't plead and don't beg. State your point clearly and directly. If she asks what you plan to do if she doesn't stop, just let her know you want a partner who respects you and your needs. If she isn't willing to stop, then you know that she isn't the woman for you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How many times are you going to let her do this before you swing the hammer? 

First time you expressed your displeasure and it fell on deaf ears. Second time, same thing and now the third.

Since you really didn't do nothing that she fully understands, she feels like she can continue to do this with no fear of any kind of repercussions from you so you may as well get used to this sort of behavior until you finally get her to understand in a way that she realizes that your not playing games with her that she's crossing the line with you and you won't put up with it any longer.

It's up to you to be the one to make a stand and not budge and maybe she'll get it through her head that she's running a real big risk of doing some serious damage to her marriage that may not be able to be fixed.

That's all up to you so the choices you have are let her continue with no worries from you or go to the tool box and wheel out the hammer. Your wife, your marriage, your choice.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Given the fact this is now her third time doing this, it is time to prepare for the extreme. Start by getting your name off any joint debts, remove yourself from joint banks accounts, joint credit cards, etc. Start a very private bank account and start saving. Disappear any assets that can "disappear".

Prepare yourself mentally for that day and the day after.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

have you put spyware on the computer and her phone?

Then you can have the messages.

Keep them in a safe place. then if she does not stop, you can send the emails to the OM's wife and see how she likes the messages.


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your problems have just begun.
The behavior will not stop on its own. Nor will you be able to stop her. It's like a bad drug.
If you try to control them, they run to the OM and say you're controlling. If you leave her alone, she'll say you don't care, and that's why she did it.

My only advice is to tell you to prepare yourself for a rough ride.. You have no idea what you may be in for.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

She's really taking you for a ride. And she says all her friends are doing the same? Pathetic - WS will say anything to justify themselves. 

I would be very calm and very firm. And mean it. 

Firstly tell her you are only going to have this conversation with her ONCE more and once more only since it has become habitual as she moves from one guy to another and you are now mighty tired of it.

Then tell her she has 2 choices. 

Does she want to continue with her inappropriate engagement with various men acting as if she is single? Because if so you are not going to tolerate it and you won't think twice about divorcing her because she is taking you for a fool.

Or does she want to stay married. 

And ask her what if your teenage daughter saw her inappropriate exchanges with random men. 

From what has happened up to now you are going to have to take a very firm stand on this with her as she seems to think she can do what she likes. 

Believe me if you were doing it she would freak. 
Guaranteed!


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

so why dont you create a facebook account and do the same.... but leave it open so as she see's it as soon as she opens the computer!
Make her tast some of her own medicine and tell her if it's an open marriege that she wants. Let's see what she answers


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

jack.c said:


> so why dont you create a facebook account and do the same.... but leave it open so as she see's it as soon as she opens the computer!
> Make her tast some of her own medicine and tell her if it's an open marriege that she wants. Let's see what she answers


But it's not an open marriage she wants. If that was the case she would ask for it. What she wants is just some strange on the side, and her efforts to conceal and hide everything prove that fully.


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

If I had to handle my situation all over again, I would have done things differently.
In your case (which emulates mine and many others as well), I would IMMEDIATELY start acting as if your marriage was over, and you were DONE with your relationship.

Start the "180".
Take her name off everything. Close all joint CC and bank accounts. 
Do NOTHING for her!

She wants to play, let her play alone.

I'll say this much... As crazy as what I'm saying sounds, it's ultimately where you're gonna wind up anyway.
IMO, if you start now, you may have a chance of snapping her out of it.
Trust me, each day that she "gets away with it" without any changes in her life, the deeper she's going. Force her to go be with him.. she may get scared.. maybe... maybe not.


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