# Can this work?



## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

I recently found out that my wife has been cheating on me for the last year via Craigslist and a few dating sites.

20-some odd men and a few women... over the past year.

Know how I found out? She didn't just confess. I found videos and pictures on her computer, mostly BJ's, but a few others... some of them in our house.

I probably cried for a good thirty minutes, just in complete shock. Then something else happened, but I'm not sure what. I was the only one home, but when I came to, my house was destroyed. Holes in the walls (my fist hurt), and just generally lots of broken pictures and glass.

She was working at the time. I was supposed to be sleeping before work myself, but I couldn't eat or sleep. I called in, and spent the rest of the day cleaning out my liquor cabinet, and discovering the majority of what she had done via her laptop.

I'm an IT guy, and I dug deep. I recovered deleted emails, pictures and videos that really didn't matter, because she hadn't even deleted or covered up the bulk of it. I did discover that she had sent these videos and pictures to damn near half the world while recruiting new lovers. I also found out that while I pay a lot of money for her cell phone bill every month, she had another cell phone for cheating on me. I continued to get drunker and recover as many conversations, pictures and videos as possible, and put them on a flash drive for evidence.

When she got home, I was passed out. She woke me up, and I rose up with drunken fury, and confronted her about everything (No actual violence though. Put more holes in the walls, but I can't hit women). I told her to give me her other phone. I had told her everything I had seen, but she still tried to play it off like she didn't have one. Finally she reached into her purse and snapped the phone in two (flip phone).

I told her I want her out of my damn house. I told her she had two days to get the rest of her things, else they would become a pile of charcoal in the ditch. I took her other cell phone away from her (the one I already knew about), and I told her that I pay this bill and it's my phone now. I start looking through the phone, and the very first picture on the phone depicts her with a black guy's dong in her mouth... from the night before.

She left, sobbing and crying. Despite everything, I was feeling pretty good about myself. The ***** massively wronged me, and I kicked her to the curb. A couple hours later, it hit me... I couldn't let her leave. I was all of a sudden very concerned about her, for reasons I didn't even know. Things started coming to me that we had to work things out and all the steps to working things out.

I called around, and finally reached her (I had her cell phone). I asked her to come over to talk about things. She was really confused, and justifiably so when she came over. She explained that no matter what happens next, she was glad that she was caught. She said that she tried to tell me many times but couldn't. She said that she didn't want to keep doing what she was doing, but she didn't know how to stop, like she was addicted or something. I explained things she would have to do (the things I thought of after she left) IF she wanted to try to salvage our marriage.

The most important thing I made her do was early the next morning. I drove her to my parents house, and she had to look them in the eyes, and apologize for the shame and embarrassment she caused our family (at this point, everyone that would be interested knew). She did. If my parents were angry, they contained it. They had kind words for her, and bestowed some of their own wisdom on her. They even forgave her, a feat I have yet to manage myself.

That's the background...

Now here we are. It's been three weeks, and we are trying to work on things. Her digital world has all but disappeared. Before I found out that she cheated, we didn't have sex very often. She tried to have sex with me all the time, but I was often too tired. I work a normal job, then I come home and develop software, which is why I would be too tired. I always explained that it wouldn't always be like this, and that it was for a better future. Since I found out, I've had my software projects on hold. I've been making love to her like crazy. Is that weird?

We generally seem to be in love like we were again with the occasional setbacks. Every once in a while, I have a breakdown. I just start obsessing over all the little details, then I start shaking and crying, and occasionally getting violent with the furniture again. I want to stop obsessing, but I can't. It just hits me from nowhere. I'll be having a normal day, then the image of her blowing some dude will pop into my head. Then I will either bombard her with questions when I see her (such as "How many times did you sleep with this guy?", or I'll try to use my IT skills to dig up more of the truth from her laptop, phones, and digital cameras. And oh yeah, I have all her contacts from the phone she broke. That information (as well as more pictures and videos) was easily recovered with a data cable.

I know that some of the guys she was with were cheating on their wives. Sometimes I call their numbers (*67), hoping their wife answers so I can out them. So far, it's just been their whiny voices repeat "hello" while I sit there in silence. I know it won't do any good to try to confront any of them, even though I would love to beat everyone of them down. They don't even know me or live in my city. Is this wrong? Should I out them? I just think about her ads that I read on Craigslist where she would say something like "shhh, hubby doesn't know", basically making me a damn fool, and it pisses me off. I then think about these guys doing the same thing to their wives, and how like me, she doesn't deserve this. I've even been scouring Craigslist for people trying to cheat on their spouse and counseling them in messages, explaining that they will eventually get caught, and all there will be is pain for both of them.

Can my marriage still work? Right now, she is just as broken as I am. We do, however, have extended moments of happiness like we used to have. Is this something that I won't even think about anymore some day? I've known a lot of people that have been cheated on, but none of them like this. I have no one to relate to on this, or to even get decent advise from. My wife and I have been together for seven years. They were happy years! I just want to be happy again.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

tnJackal said:


> I recently found out that my wife has been cheating on me for the last year via Craigslist and a few dating sites.
> 
> 20-some odd men and a few women... over the past year.
> 
> ...



Welcome to the club nobody should be a member of.

First thing is *get tested for STDs and don't have unprotected sex with her*.

Second, stop looking for more wife porno. What you have is more than enough to create more mental movies inside your head, why do you need more? How is that going to make things better for you?

Third, it sounds like your wife is a female sexual addict and she needs professional help ASAP. I'd suggest that you convey this to her that this as a non-negotiable condition for you.

Fourth, inform the wives of the men your wife had sex with. Not out of revenge but because they have the right to know what their husbands are doing behind their back and so that they too can get tested for STDs and receive treatment if they need it. STDs can kill and when that happens families are devastated.

Fifth, come here as much as you need. Not only will you find others that have passed through marital betrayal, but it is much better for you than damaging your health with alcohol poisoning.

Lastly, don't make promises to yourself and/or her regarding the continuation of the marriage. This puts too much unrealistic pressure on both of you, especially you. I hate saying this but the odds are stacked against any marriage surviving this type of infidelity and more so when it is the husband who is the betrayed party. Of course this shouldn't stop you from trying but be well aware that it may take YEARS before there is a complete personal and marital recovery.

Whether your marriage survives or not, you WILL overcome this. Count on it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get tested for STDs today. 

Sounds like she slept with a LOT of people. Sorry to hear you hda to find pics and videos of it, too. 

This isn't a typical affair story or one night stand or emotional affair. This is ... worse, IMO. It would take years of extensive counselling to repair this, IMO and I'm not sure if it's even worth saving, to be honest w/ you.

And I agree with the poster above--inform the wives. They are also being cheated on and being put at a major risk for STDs.


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

We have been tested. No STD's. Thank God.

I hate psychotherapists. She did try to get me to let her see one a couple years ago. She hadn't cheated yet, but was convinced something was wrong with her. She said that her sex drive would get so out of control that it caused her pain, and she would literally pull her hair out at times. I wouldn't let her see a therapist. I had a bit of a disturbed childhood, and had to meet with counselors often in school, and I hate them. I have, however, agreed to meet a marriage counselor.

Also, I don't want to see those images, but not knowing kills me sometimes. Every few days, it's like I have another breakdown, and I turn into a crying angry police interrogator and forensic scientist. I know she has likely come clean with everything. What she has come clean with is bad enough, there really shouldn't be anything left to hide. I still obsess... I am trying really hard to avoid this. I was able to drop it the last time it started. I start getting shaky, and I just keep telling myself that it will pass.

What's also really hard is facing people who know. This is a big part of the reason she had to apologize to my parents face to face. We used to go to their house and meet them for lunches all the time. I wanted her to have more accountability, and I didn't want her avoiding my family for her shame. Now it's hard for me to face other people, not for shame, but for their pity. A mutual friend of ours came over the other day, and when she saw me, she just started bawling her eyes out. I don't like being pitied. That turned into a damn horrible day.

Somehow, we're still happy for the most part. The bad times are just almost unbearable though. We're trying to work through it. I appreciate all and any advice and feedback. One of the hardest things had been not having anyone to talk about these things with.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi tnJackal, Welcome (regrettably). Please know that what you are going through is typical of what many of us have experenced. The need to know every detail becomes obsessive. The hunt through her computer, drawers, car, purses, clothes pockets, phone bills, credit card bills, etc, will wear you down. At some point you'll need to give it up as it will consume your existence. 14 months later, I still have my relapses into the crazy searches.

I can relate to the out-of-control sex drive. That calmed down for me after about 9 months and is normal.

Get her into a Love Sex Addiction 12 step program. You can find them by Googling. Counselling for you both will help. Understand that she has an illness and needs help and support. Regrettably it will affect your emotional well being. I just started meds to help with my obsessive thoughts and feeling of loss and sadness.

Goodluck and know that we are here for you.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Welcome, tnJackal. You've found a good place. The fact that you've shown as much self control (ie: No personal violence) shows your inner strength. The occasional breakdowns are to be expected. Get her some help. Get you some help, regardless of how you feel about counselors. Come here often as you need to. Good luck to you.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Dude, that's a lot of people, but- TO EACH HIS OWN.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

tnJackal, whether or not your marriage survives, your wife is in need of serious professional help otherwise her condition will continue to deteriorate and will eventually kill her.

You may not like psychotherapists, you may even hate them, but consider that every profession has its idiots, even the IT industry - of which I was a part of - has them in spades. Shop around and talk to others to separate the professionals from the quacks.

Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are not alone, my w was the same way and it is up to her to really help you heal. Granted it you have to do your own work for your self but you can get through, and it will start to fade as the months go on.

Me and W have both changed our behaviors, I no longer make my career my ptiority and she now longer sneaks out in the middle of the night.
I stay focus on what I need to do to be a better man in general and she foucus on me. She stays away from the bars and those bad influences (toxic friends). Its easier for her know that I'm bettering my self. She sees me moving on with a healthier life and she has joined me in having a healtier life style.

The images I saw and the details she has told me are hard to swollow, but as an ex porn freak I somehow get through them. Its wierd and I can't really explain other that I am getting by more and more as time pass and my sl*tty little wife is only with me now.

As wierd as I am...my point is that there is hope and you will make it... just think about you and what you want as a strong and healthy man that diserve to be happy and if she want the same healty life as you seek and then she is welcome to join you.

This is my W second and only chance, if she returns to that way of life I will move on and find some one that can be just as sl*tty in bad but stay loyal and faithful.

I have learned alot and know in my heart with out doubt that I can move on with out her, and be a better man for it. If my wife should ever go back to her old way it would be on her not on me. I will not go back to the way I was and I work hard at it. I expect the same from her and will not tolorate any less.

Man, your story is so familiar and were you are at now,I was at 14 month ago... it will get better you have to make it better b/c you deserve to be happy. I'll say it again *you diserve to be happy*

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

the guy said:


> You are not alone, my w was the same way and it is up to her to really help you heal. Granted it you have to do your own work for your self but you can get through, and it will start to fade as the months go on.
> 
> Me and W have both changed our behaviors, I no longer make my career my ptiority and she now longer sneaks out in the middle of the night.
> I stay focus on what I need to do to be a better man in general and she foucus on me. She stays away from the bars and those bad influences (toxic friends). Its easier for her know that I'm bettering my self. She sees me moving on with a healthier life and she has joined me in having a healtier life style.
> ...


Thank you so much. This is just what I needed. Just somebody, ANYBODY, who's in the exact same boat and getting on with a happy life. Don't get me wrong, it sucks that it happened to you too. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but it is refreshing to get this kind of perspective.

I agree, this is her only 2nd chance. I'm pretty sure I couldn't go through this again without landing in the pen or the loony bin.

I'm pretty sure my body is generating tons of testosterone right now. I'm constantly wanting to fight (physically) with anyone that will pop their lips off, and like my breakdowns, I just tell myself it will pass, and it eventually does. I did a lot of fighting when I was younger, and it hasn't done me any favors. I don't want to go back to that. Plus, I'm horny all the time now. Anything like this happen to you? I mean, this is 180 degrees from where I was four weeks ago. It's like I'm sixteen again, hormonally anyway.

Happiness is all I want. I never had much of it before I met her. My life was actually pretty dark before I met her. I used to tell her that she saved me from myself. She now tells me the same, that I saved her. She says she was on a path to self destruction and didn't know how to stop. Maybe she's telling the truth, and we were meant to help each other. I hope so...

We have a great weekend planned ahead. Getting drunk and repairing the holes I put in the walls.


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> tnJackal, whether or not your marriage survives, your wife is in need of serious professional help otherwise her condition will continue to deteriorate and will eventually kill her.
> 
> You may not like psychotherapists, you may even hate them, but consider that every profession has its idiots, even the IT industry - of which I was a part of - has them in spades. Shop around and talk to others to separate the professionals from the quacks.
> 
> Good luck.


I've been under the opinion that the whole profession is quackery. Still, I've agreed to counseling, and trying to keep an open mind.


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

Thanks to all for your kind words. I don't really want to talk to the people I see day to day about it, especially when I can see it on their face. Most of the time, I just want to get through my day without thinking about it. Then there are times I want to talk to someone about it, and I appreciate having a place where I can talk to people that can relate. Thank you all.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

tnJackal said:


> I've been under the opinion that the whole profession is quackery. Still, I've agreed to counseling, and trying to keep an open mind.


There are professionals who are recovering sexual addicts themselves. You may want to consider seeking them out.


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> There are professionals who are recovering sexual addicts themselves. You may want to consider seeking them out.


Thanks for the tip. How exactly do I find them locally though? I guess what I'm asking is, is there a title for this type of therapist? Example, marriage counselors specialize in marriage.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

When you see a marriage counselour they can give you the resources for a sex addicts group therapy place.. or find someone to help her more specifically with this issue.. 

Most of the time those type of groups or therapists are not publically listed because of the nature of some of these people that are required by law to go see them.

My H was in a sex addicts group.. its like AA.. but he quit going because most of the people in it were people that are pedophiles and rapists.. and he felt it was wrong for him. But we had to ask our MC for the contact info, its just not something listed publically to "protect" the monsters that go..


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

oh and to save the psychology world for being considered "quacky" in your mind think of it this way....

If your heart is sick.. you go see a cardiologist.. if you have a blood disorder you see a hemotologist.. think of your brain as another organ, because thats what it is.. when its sick.. it needs help.. SO FIND IT! Your brain is run by hormones.. and if one of those hormones is a little off whack.. it can throw lots of things off! If those hormones are triggered by an addiction, ie.. sexual drugs or otherwise..., she needs help to get those hormones in balance.

Talk therapy does help those who don't have whacky hormones... A lot of the stuff i went through with my H I didn't want family and friends to know about and judge him for (yay codependancy *eyeroll*) so it was nice to have someone to talk to and be open with who wouldnt judge me or him as well.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

TnJackal

Do you have kids with her?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jack,
Wow, to f*cken freaky, the fighting and the sex thing, it's all to familair.
I did some anger management that kept me out of jail when I was a kid, and I use it today. You need to think positive...don't let those thoughts enter your head, be pissed and angry is bad news...being better and telling your self that you are above the anger and diserve to be happy is what ita all about.
No one is going to put me in a bad place...cut me off in traffic or cut in line...well screw them it ant going to ruin my day or my additude, f*ck them. I diserve to be happy!

As far as the sex goes, yes We were all over each other too, it was something that I had to prove....that I was good in bed and she didn't need "them". It was all about competition....I had to prove that I was a better lover and I had to prove that I could be that guy. For us, if she was looking for sex then I gave it to her, alot of quickies and when we went to bed and when we woke up. I mean we just had to....I guess reconnect that way.

So stop being pissed and tell your self that you diserve to be happy and not even your W will take that from you. Make sure the both of you go talk to to a pro and really understand why this all happened. Once the both of you figure out what went wrong....before she even stepped out....figure out what needs to be done to prevent it from happening again.

Granted she has her issues and that in its self is wacked, but for you the bottom line is you diserve to be happy with of with out your wife.

I hope she comes along and the both of you heal and grow. My W thanks me all the time for saving her and changing to a better man. I hope your wife gets some help for her self and the both of you get some help for the marraige. Something happened and something cause her to take that 1st unhealth step to self destruction so figure it out and get better. 

We found what caused my W to do the things she did and we have learned, so I wish you the same.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

tnJackal said:


> Before I found out that she cheated, we didn't have sex very often. She tried to have sex with me all the time, but I was often too tired. I work a normal job, then I come home and develop software, which is why I would be too tired. I always explained that it wouldn't always be like this, and that it was for a better future. Since I found out, I've had my software projects on hold. I've been making love to her like crazy. Is that weird?


It's not weird actually, it's very common that cheated on husbands have a huge sexual reaction to their wife on discovery. You body basically goes in overdrive to "win the sperm war" and ensure that if she gets pregnant its to you.

I'm not sure that your wife is a sex addict as others have said here. It's possible that she just has an active sex drive and you weren't having nearly enough sex with her for her needs. That does not excuse her for cheating on you in any way - she had clear choices for that - I'm just stating it as a factor.

You *must* stop the property destruction. All she needs to do is call 911 and point to smashed objects and say she is scared of you and you will be arrested. It's probably mandatory arrests per VAWA in your state, i.e. the police responding to the call aren't allowed to not arrest you.

You obviously have a ton of grief and anger issues here - and that is 100% to be expected. Individual and couples counseling may be very helpful here.

Hang in there. Very few men would have stayed with her.


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

zsu234 said:


> TnJackal
> 
> Do you have kids with her?


No. She hasn't had any kids.


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

the guy said:


> As far as the sex goes, yes We were all over each other too, it was something that I had to prove....that I was good in bed and she didn't need "them". It was all about competition....I had to prove that I was a better lover and I had to prove that I could be that guy. For us, if she was looking for sex then I gave it to her, alot of quickies and when we went to bed and when we woke up. I mean we just had to....I guess reconnect that way.





Atholk said:


> It's not weird actually, it's very common that cheated on husbands have a huge sexual reaction to their wife on discovery. You body basically goes in overdrive to "win the sperm war" and ensure that if she gets pregnant its to you.


I'm not sure that's what this is. It could be I guess. Even when we don't have sex, I masturbate a lot now, and I didn't before I found out. Seriously thinking it could be hormones. Honestly though, I'm not complaining about having a sex drive again. Also, because of her medical condition (POS I think it's called?), it would be amazing if she got pregnant.

I've thought about those things from time to time, but for the most part, it hasn't been on my mind. She said that one guy out of all the people she was with actually gave her pleasure, and that she just didn't know how to stop. I've always been pretty good in bed, just not as willing to put out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its sound like she is being forthcoming with the details? For me it helped me understand better. Granted it was hard for her to tell me the things that she did but I needed to understand what she was all about.

She talks more about some of the guys that she keep around for awhile but she has a hard time talking about the ONS IDk if she was just to drunk or if those were more painful for her to deal with.

I know the ex good friend I had is extremly pain ful for her to even mention the guys name, I guess the double betrayal is there and plus the guy was a pig of a man, I'm talking over wieght and greasy.

Any way how is it going with you and is she helping you heal?


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

the guy said:


> Its sound like she is being forthcoming with the details? For me it helped me understand better. Granted it was hard for her to tell me the things that she did but I needed to understand what she was all about.
> 
> She talks more about some of the guys that she keep around for awhile but she has a hard time talking about the ONS IDk if she was just to drunk or if those were more painful for her to deal with.
> 
> ...


She has been forthcoming about details here and there...

You have to be flipping kidding me. She didn't sleep with my best friend, but it wasn't from a lack of trying on his part. He found out before I did by going through her cellphone. Instead of telling her something like, "you tell him or I will", he tried to extort sexual favors from her. She wouldn't have anything to do with him. I still haven't spoke to him. He doesn't know I know yet. We were raised like brothers. I haven't found the words yet...

You must be my life twin or something.


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