# And the stupid dating game continues



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I’ve been seeing a really fantastic man for about 3 weeks now; neither of us are seeing anyone else, and to be honest, I don’t want to see anyone else. Got together last night for date #4, and asked him a couple questions because I’m starting to have some feelings and become a little invested in this. 

He’s been separated from his W for about a year now, and was married for 10 years before that. I was the first person he’s met from online, and his first date in over 10 years. My question for him was whether or not he’s seeing anyone else (he’s not), and did he want to see others since he’s so new to the dating scene. He said that he’s quite happy with me, and that if we’d been seeing each other for a month, he’d be committed. It’ll be a month on April 8th. He asked if I’d be okay if he went out on dates with others. Honestly, I wouldn’t have a choice but to be OK with that. I certainly don’t want him to settle with me if there’s a better match out there for him. But, I can’t help but be upset by this and pretty disappointed. I know we’re only 4 dates in, but he’s the type of person that I’ve been looking and hoping for. He’s quiet, kind, respectful and is very much a gentleman. 

I know that if things don’t work out, it’s the universe’s way of saying that he’s the wrong person for me. I just need and want a break. Our next date is Friday, but I feel like I should start pulling back. I know from past experience that if there are more women involved in a situation that I’m also involved in, I’m not the chosen one. I don’t need anymore heartbreak, but am finding it hard to not think about him.

And to boot, XH announced to me that he’s now seeing someone, it’s my bday, and all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep the day away.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

I'd like you to get what you want, but you gotta play the game to get what you want. I'm actually at about the year mark and I'm scared like you. I hope to get some good guidelines from this thread. My family and ex has made it so I'm heavy with everything. It's black and white and I feel that is almost toxic/red flag when trying to date. Hope to get some insight from your question as well. I'm cheering for you!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is the likely practical side of the equation. If he talks about his dating life with his friends/family, and he tells them out of the gate that the first woman he has met online, he is ready to commit to, what do you think their advice is going to be?

My suggestion is that you start browsing as well. I don't know that 'pulling back' is necessary, or even possible, but there is nothing at all wrong with keeping your options open, as he is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that keeping your own options open is a good idea.

And let him know that you'll be doing it. You don't want a situation where you wait for him to explore his options.....that's not only unfair to you, it makes you less appealing.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

So he's not even divorced yet?



Ursula said:


> He’s been separated from his W for about a year now,


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Zodiac, I hope things work out for you as well!
@Deejo, honestly, I think his friends/family would probably tell him to either run or keep his options open.
@lifeistooshort, I’m open to keeping my options open, and in fact one man that I met a few days before I met this other man, has asked for a date for later this week. I’m not sure if I should mention this to the man that I would like to date though…


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

minimalME said:


> So he's not even divorced yet?


No, where we're from, you can't sign divorce paper until you've been separated for a year at the very least. Unless you're getting divorced for something like adultery; then it can be expedited.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Yes - my state requires that waiting period too. And for the most part, my question to you was rhetorical. 



Ursula said:


> No, where we're from, you can't sign divorce paper until you've been separated for a year at the very least. Unless you're getting divorced for something like adultery; then it can be expedited.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I'm with the keep your options open crowd and don't give up. I read an article by a dating coach/author who said she went 98 first dates before she found her now husband (2nd marriage for both). 98!! That doesn't include any of the second, third, or short term relationships.

Your guy is out there.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am out of the dating game. But I learned the rules pretty well.

Neither of you owe any explanation of what you do with your time outside of dating the other, unless or until, you decide otherwise. So no, don't offer up that you are dating another guy. If he aks, your response MUST be, (coaching here) "Well of course, I thought you were as well?" 

I always encourage people to recognize that dating in and of itself is a process of 'qualifying' who you want to spend your time with. 

Be OK with a dating relationship that has a lifespan. 

I loved dating. I met many amazing women. I never dated anyone for more than 6 months for over 4 years. None of those relationships imploded. We had a blast and enjoyed one anothers company, and as time progressed it simply became apparent that the relationship had an end-point ... and I was OK with that.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ursula, 

One of the things that I learned in my short dating history (at 55yo) was that it takes time. I know you tend to really like someone and invest in them--I'm the same way--but even if that is how you are, it still takes time. 

I went about it like this: I am a one-man woman. I only date one person at a time, but that is because of me. Dating more than one at a time is confusing and no fun to me. Soooo...yep I go one at a time and keep going with the one until it becomes apparent (like @Deejo said) that the relationship has an end point. If the relationship has an end point, I'm okay with that. It doesn't mean he was a "bad" person or that I am a "bad" person but rather just that we were not a good match for each other. We would be better matches elsewhere... A good example of this is my exH and I: he is an ESTJ and I am an INFP by Myers-Briggs personality, so literally complete opposites. He was ambitious, driven, workaholic, Type A, dramatic, east-coaster and a flirt--I was (am) easy-going, energetic, funny, kind, west-coaster and devoted. When we would talk, we talked past each other and couldn't "hear" because we were just so different. But now we're divorced and I found men more compatible to me--and he is married to a wife who is ambitious, driven, workaholic, Type A, dramatic, east-coaster and a flirt! 

On the other hand, if the relationship keeps building and we are both willing to learn about each other and adjust and we are both very compatible...it still takes time! When I met EB, we were both in a stage of our lives where we got to know each other and liked each other, but we really needed to be friends before we were free and able to be lovers. We both needed the time of knowing that the other one liked us for "who we are" and would enjoy hanging out and talking--and guess what? It takes time to just have fun and have some deep talks and get to know each other deeply. THEN...once you've let the other person know you and see you, and once you've found they LIKE you...THEN the relationship keeps building to actual love. Because love is not a "feeling"--it's an action of treating the other person in a loving way--knowing their love language and loving them in an action that they can interpret as love. 

Thus...it's cool. You've had 4 dates. Maybe you are more of a one-at-a-time gal, and that's fine if that is who you are. But give this relationship the time it deserves, because 4 dates is not too many and there is still plenty of possibility to come. If you feel like dating others, just do it and be honest. If you don't feel like dating others, do that BECAUSE IT'S WHO YOU ARE, not because of Mr. 4Dates. Give Mr. 4Dates the time he deserves to be knowng and liked as a man and a friend, and see if the relationship has an ending or not. Either way, accept what is.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I dont like dating more than one person at a time either, its just not how I'm wired. Ursula, since you are the first person he has dated, I find it unlikely that he is going to want to be exclusive yet, he will want to date around. Sucks for you, but understandable for him. I remember I had the same thing happen when I was dating, guy was awesome but had just gotten back out there, and wasnt ready to settle. Bummer.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Affaircare, I dig what you say, and have done the multi-dating thing; it doesn’t work (for me) and it’s not what I want to do. Plus, you’re right, it’s totally confusing. We’re 4 dates in, we both like each other and have expressed that to each other. There’s nothing wrong with continuing to hang out and enjoy each other’s company. I guess I’m just used to having things move along a little quicker, and need to slow that down. God knows that I don’t want to screw this up by pushing for too much too soon. I don’t feel like dating others, BUT I don’t want to slam the door on other possibilities at this point. So, I’m going to go for appies and drinks with this other guy, and I’m going to have a nice time. I’ve met him once; he’s a really nice man. If the other man asks on Friday how the rest of my week was, I'll be honest and let him know that I had a date.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

@Ursula
My feeling is that many people settle down / commit too early. I know that there is this feeling of rush, but getting into a committed relationship too early seems like a recipe for misery later. 

Are you able to enjoy dating for the sake of dating, with no long term goal in mind - and then when you meet the right person you will just naturally want to stay together. Any commitment is simply recognizing what has already happened.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Now that he has been separated for a year, is he going to start the divorce? 

Personally I wouldn't want to date a man who thought it was ok to date more than one woman at a time. Not sure I could trust him and I would feel as if I was in a competition. I wouldn't do that myself, so wouldn't want a man to do to me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think you folks need to qualify what 'dating' is. 

I think the most people I dated at once was 4, and these all revolved around meet and greets and determining if there were going to be any more dates. I thinks it's nuts for anyone to presume exclusivity ... but they do, I remember getting a veeeery angry email from a woman I had messaged online and we were trying to set up a date. She put off getting together twice, supposedly due to childcare issues ... again fine. But in the interim, I met someone awesome ... and we decided to become exclusive. I messaged the other woman as a courtesy, and she lost her sh*t over the fact that I was 'carrying on' while corresponding with her. Also her prerogative ... but most certainly not mine.

Once sex was involved ... I usually cut whatever remaining threads I had hanging out there.

Don't look at dating as a means to an end. It's the start of the process of qualifying people that are worthy of your time as being 'in' or 'out'.

Ursula, you dig this guy, and you may need to go on X many dates before you meet another guy that checks the same boxes. Full disclosure I probably went on over 120 dates ... I drank a lot coffee and ate a lot ice cream. The majority of those were 1 and done's.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

First of all happy birthday Ursula,
the fact that he was up front and told you that means he is respective of you, the problem i see is that he is a newbie in the dating world and he finds himself unsure of a lot of things...i get it, but i also understand where you are coming from as well....my suggestion is that you tell him on friday that you could see yourself building a relationship with him and see where it goes, but that you understand that he needs to see what is out there, and that you will back off and allow him the sow his oats so to speak. now you put the ball in his court and he can go seek other women but that you will not see him again unless he is is interested, he may call you but to see you requires a form of commitment.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Which dating service are you using? The impression I get is that most of them are for people who are looking for hookups or enjoy the dating lifestyle. I would suspect that most people are talking to and dating lots of people at the same time. But maybe there are other services for people who are looking for more exclusive relationships and getting to know each other before getting intimate.

I would also suspect that it's going to take a while to really get to know someone who is just getting back into dating. It may take a while for that person to figure out who they are and who they are looking for in a partner. I would expect the initial dates to be more about them trying to please you so they are accepted rather than them being their true self. That is, I would expect them to have their best facade showing because they really don't want to fail. So you may not really know who this guy is after just 4 dates anyway.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

At least he was HONEST about it ...... that in itself is a good sign of his character.

From my point of view I would say that I perhaps don't blame him for wanting to review his options.

Considering you were his first online date, I'm sure he is still trying to get all this processed in his head.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> I'm with the keep your options open crowd and don't give up. I read an article by a dating coach/author who said she went 98 first dates before she found her now husband (2nd marriage for both). 98!! That doesn't include any of the second, third, or short term relationships.
> 
> Your guy is out there.


I agree I went on way more that 98. It had to be closer to 200 before I met soon to be fiancé. You know when it’s a match I think


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I just want to throw this in here...

I reentered the dating world after over 20 years of M. The last 5 of that M had been gearing up to leave, which also involved a lot of thinking about what I wanted (and didn’t want) in a partner. By the time I started dating, I knew exactly what I was looking for.

The chatting portion of OLD weeded out most quickly. There were only a couple of men that I wanted to actually meet IRL.

I met my current hubby almost immediately. We knew _very_ quickly we were right for each other. Do I have regrets that it was too quick or I didn’t have enough time to date around? NONE. Like I said, I knew what I wanted, and I personally am 100% a relationship person. I was serious about what I was doing, I knew I wanted to get remarried, and I was dating for that purpose, not to meet ppl and hook up NSA. Frankly, I was so serious about that I didn’t even talk to the ones that listed “Just dating” or whatever rhe wording was as what they were looking for. I only talked to “Looking for a serious relationship”. 

So, I suppose it all boils down to what you want. I see nothing wrong with liking this guy, and not wanting to date multiple people once you have committed to being together at that one month point (or whatever you determine). 

Just because someone has been married for 10 years, doesn’t mean they need to go bonkers and bone a bunch of people before they settle down with one. Those were not the type of men I wanted. I wanted one that wanted a serious relationship also. I don’t share men. As they say... “I don’t play well with others” >


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

_Sometimes we forget who we got, 
Who they are. 
Oh, who they are not. 
There is so much more in love, 
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child, 
Gotta keep it tight - Amos Lee_


Happy birthday, sweetpea. 
Ya know, sometimes a good sleep refreshes perspective.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree I went on way more that 98. It had to be closer to 200 before I met soon to be fiancé. You know when it’s a match I think


**** Wolf, way to depress me on a Wednesday morning. Here I thought my goal of going on 99 first dates in one year was absurd. I will lose my mind if that number doubles.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Ursula just have fun with it. I made dating a game and didn't take anyone or anything that was said to me seriously, at least not within the first handful of dates. 

Here's a story that may make you laugh. When I had my OLD profile up, it specifically said "looking for serious, committed, and monogamous relationship". The first guy I met and dated for more than a couple of dates knew this (I made it pretty damn clear from the get go). Well, he started pushing for sex on date #3 to which I reminded him about my stance. He got kind of pissy and ended the date. He messaged me later than night to tell me he wasn't interested in a serious relationship but would be open to a FWB situation. My response: "that position is currently filled but will be eliminated as soon as I can fill the boyfriend position. 
Let me know if you'd like me to add you to the waitlist". Never heard from him again. I laughed.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ursula said:


> No, where we're from, you can't sign divorce paper until you've been separated for a year at the very least. Unless you're getting divorced for something like adultery; then it can be expedited.


One of my strictest rules when dating was to avoid separated men like the Black Plague. And I stuck to that rule.

*Separated = unfinished business*. Don't misunderstand - I'm not one of those fanatics who think you need to remain celibate until a judge declares you legally divorced, just because you're still legally married. At that point, it's in name only so date away. But so much of the time, these separated guys come with SO much baggage and SO much drama. And for a lot of people (both men and women), some of them see separation as a time for them before the axe falls to try to get back with their spouse. 

That's why I see separation as unfinished business - enough time hasn't gone by to insure that they're REALLY over that part of their lives and in a healthy enough place to move forward.

Lastly, I've heard too many times about separated men starting new relationships then leaving their new woman in the dust when they went running back to their wives. Unfortunately, you're the REBOUND relationship for him since you're the first one he's dated since his marriage went south. *Not* a good position to be in.

I would keep my options WIDE open and not put all my eggs in his basket. Nope, I wouldn't.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lila said:


> "that position is currently filled but will be eliminated as soon as I can fill the boyfriend position.
> Let me know if you'd like me to add you to the waitlist".


:lol:

:allhail:


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

My always unpopular opinion - LOL

"I’ve been seeing a really fantastic man for about 3 weeks now.. ". How could anyone possibly know that after only 3 weeks and 3 dates ? Even a super sick psycho wife beater child molester could probably hide their true self for that brief of a time.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Whatever legitimate reason he has for not pursuing his divorce now, I wouldn't get too comfortable dating him until he started pursuing it. There is a thread on here started by a female poster who bought a house with a separated man and he stopped completing his divorce. 

And of course, there is the agr old example of my mother's friend whose husband never completed their divorce and then died. So the years long mistress got nothing.......


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Whatever legitimate reason he has for not pursuing his divorce now, I wouldn't get too comfortable dating him until he started pursuing it. There is a thread on here started by a female poster who bought a house with a separated man and he stopped completing his divorce. 

And of course, there is the age old example of my mother's friend whose husband never completed their divorce and then died. So the years long mistress got nothing.......


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey there, thanks for the replies and thoughts y'all!
@Diana7, I personally hate multi-dating. I get confused between who’s who and who said what, and have put my foot in my mouth more than once. I’m not OK with someone that I really like dating others. BUT, I don’t want him to settle for me if there’s a better match out there for him. I know from past experience that I’m usually the one who is passed over when there’s more than 1 woman in “competition” for the same man. I really like being around him; it was comfortable right from the get-go. So, I’m going to continue to enjoy that company while it’s there, and see where it goes. If it goes somewhere, great, if not, at least I know that there are decent men out there yet; they’re just hard to find. In the meantime, I’m going to continue to put myself out there and see others, and if he asks, I’ll let him know.
@Deejo, I try not to look at dating as a means to an end, and instead just suss out men to see if they’re worth spending more time getting to know. Often, they’re not, but in very rare cases like this one, they’re definitely worth spending time getting to know. I also understand though that he’s been committed for 10 years, and out of a marriage for only 1 year. So, I understand that he’d want to see others. It’s just disappointing to me because I’ve been through the ringer and I know what’s out there. So, when I find a good man (which is rare), I want to hang on like a pup to a root. However, that’s suffocating. Yes, once sex is involved, I would be cutting off any other contact with anyone else, and would expect him to do the same. We haven’t hit that point yet.
@Lostinthought61, thank-you for the birthday wishes!  I do like your thoughts on having a conversation with him on Friday. The only thing is that not spending time with each other also means that we aren’t getting to know one another better, which means that there’s not much chance of moving forward with anything, including a friendship. I do understand though, but may give it a little more time before doing this. If we go out a few more times, and he’s still not ready to move in any direction, this is a course of action that I’ll try.
@heartsbeating, thank-you, too, for the birthday wishes! I didn’t get a good night’s sleep, but do have a less depressed perspective this morning.
@wilson, I’m just on eHarmony and Bumble at this time. I get what you’re saying, but there’s just something about this man that makes me feel like he’s being real with me. He’s been the same guy throughout all of the dates, and has told me some personal information that I’m sure most wouldn’t share right away. I learned this info on our first date. He’s also shown me photos of his kids, also on date #1. Most people tend to keep intimate details like that hidden for awhile. I feel like he’s the real deal, and that he’s showing me who he is. He could be lying, yup, but I get the feeling that he’s not. But yes, we both have a very long way to go before we know each other well. I just feel like we’ve gotten a really strong start at this point.
@Spicy, I’m at the point that you describe as well.
@Lila, your story made me laugh, thank-you!
@2&out, I don’t know 100% if he’s the one I want to be with for the long-term. I can’t possibly know that after only 4 dates. But, I do know that this is something worth exploring further. I’m just at the point where he’s really the only man I’m interested in spending time with, and I want to know what makes him tick.
@NextTimeAround, he’s pursuing the divorce, and they have lawyer meetings set up for later this month. I’m also privy to some information regarding this, and the sale of their home, etc. I’m comfortable with where things stand with where he’s at, but would never buy a home with him or anyone else anytime soon. Hell’s no! 

Some have talked about the number of dates they’ve been on before finding their Mr. or Miss. Right. Here are my stats: was on Match during Dec 2017 to March 2018 and went on 56 dates with 27 men. I’ve been on Bumble since late August 2018 and eHarmony since October 2018 (currently still on both), and I’ve met probably at least double the amount of men. To be honest, I stopped keeping track because it just became depressing. So, I’ve probably met 90+ men since December 2017, and had 1 really poor relationship out of that which lasted 4 months. Besides this current man, I’ve met 2 other really fantastic men who were contenders: 1 I ended because he was very clingy; 1 he ended because he chose someone else over me due to our differing cultural backgrounds. I’ve met some other really nice men who could be contenders, but they haven’t been interested. I get a lot interested in just sex/FWB/FB though.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I believe you've got the goods to get what you want to get gotten.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Considering how many men you have dated during this journey... perhaps consider a new tactic with him.

When he tells you that he wants to date others, let him know you thought about it, and think the two of you have real potential, and that you are not interested in sharing him. That if he wants to date others, that he should do so, and you will understand...but if he would like to date you, that you want to be exclusive. Present this to him in a way that makes him feel special (sounds like he is) and makes you different from many of the others out there. My H got the date with me because he was going to stop talking to me because he thought I was chatting with other guys and he was SO over all the games and only wanted to be in a committed relationship. That is what made me realize THIS was a man I wanted to meet...

I understand it might be too late with this guy, if you have already told him you are fine with him seeing others, but if it were me, I would recant that if you like him this much, and if it is this hard to meet good connections. Great love stories many times begin with someone being bold.:x

If it’s to late with this one, and you are done with this merry go round, consider being upfront, that you are looking for a serious relationship only right in your dating profile and when you first meet a man. Personally, I think that may help you weed out a lot of these people that are just wanting FWB. What have you got to lose by trying a different tactic (unless you have already done this and found it not to be successful.)

Just my .02. I’m kind of an oddball on my approach with most things though as y’all have probably noticed. I think scenarios through WAY too much.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2&out said:


> My always unpopular opinion - LOL
> 
> "I’ve been seeing a really fantastic man for about 3 weeks now.. ". How could anyone possibly know that after only 3 weeks and 3 dates ? Even a super sick psycho wife beater child molester could probably hide their true self for that brief of a time.


I knew in less than a week that my now husband was the man for me. We married 9 months later. It can happen.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> One of my strictest rules when dating was to avoid separated men like the Black Plague. And I stuck to that rule.
> 
> *Separated = unfinished business*. Don't misunderstand - I'm not one of those fanatics who think you need to remain celibate until a judge declares you legally divorced, just because you're still legally married. At that point, it's in name only so date away. But so much of the time, these separated guys come with SO much baggage and SO much drama. And for a lot of people (both men and women), some of them see separation as a time for them before the axe falls to try to get back with their spouse.
> 
> ...


So you think its ok to have sex with a separated but still married man, but not to date him? 

As I see it its surely better to date a divorcing person than to have sex with them.

Oh and BTW its not 'fanatical' to think its wrong to have sex with a still married person. Its still adultery.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OP my advise. Don't use any of the tinder type sites. Choose the better dating sites, never the free ones. 
Make it clear that you are not interested in a casual relationship, and state what you DO want very clearly. 

I was very clear that I wanted to marry again. I wasn't interested in casual dates or men who would pressure for sex after a few dates.

Maybe it was in a way more straight forward for me, I was only interested in a guy with a strong Christian faith. Mind you that did shrink any available man pool by about 98% in the Uk, but at least they were on the same page as me from the start.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ursula said:


> My question for him was whether or not he’s seeing anyone else (he’s not), and did he want to see others since he’s so new to the dating scene. He said that he’s quite happy with me, and that if we’d been seeing each other for a month, he’d be committed. It’ll be a month on April 8th. He asked if I’d be okay if he went out on dates with others. *Honestly, I wouldn’t have a choice but to be OK with that. I certainly don’t want him to settle with me *if there’s a better match out there for him. But, I can’t help but be upset by this and pretty disappointed. I know we’re only 4 dates in, but he’s the type of person that I’ve been looking and hoping for. He’s quiet, kind, respectful and is very much a gentleman.


Yes you most certainly CAN not be ok with it, and you can express that to him. Nothing wrong with him wanting to multi date at an early stage, nor you for not wanting to, it may just mean that the two of you aren't compatible.

Ok - some tough love here...Honey...wtf??? YOU don't want HIM to settle for you???? :surprise: Wtf is that about?? YOU shouldn't be settling for a man who's waffling on whether he wants to be with you or not!! I'm going to come over there and slap you silly girl! Change your mindset.




Ursula said:


> @lifeistooshort, I’m open to keeping my options open, and in fact one man that I met a few days before I met this other man, has asked for a date for later this week. I’m not sure if I should mention this to the man that I would like to date though…


Nope. You're not sleeping together, you owe him nothing nor he you. If you want to accept the other date accept it.

That said, I can't multi date either, I've never been able to. What I've never done though is sit around waiting for a man to fill up my time. Go out with friends, plan your weeks ahead of time, be busy and live your best life, don't keep nights and weekends free in case you get a date.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Ok - some tough love here...Honey...wtf??? YOU don't want HIM to settle for you???? :surprise: Wtf is that about?? YOU shouldn't be settling for a man who's waffling on whether he wants to be with you or not!! I'm going to come over there and slap you silly girl! Change your mindset.


The only thing I meant by that is if I'm not the right person for him, I don't want to be with him. That's what my first marriage was like (we were both very wrong for one another), and I don't want to go through that again. I wasn't trying to put myself down because to be honest, I'm a good person who deserves to find someone similarly good. Whether it's him or not, I don't know.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Lila said:


> @Ursula just have fun with it. I made dating a game and didn't take anyone or anything that was said to me seriously, at least not within the first handful of dates.
> 
> Here's a story that may make you laugh. When I had my OLD profile up, it specifically said "looking for serious, committed, and monogamous relationship". The first guy I met and dated for more than a couple of dates knew this (I made it pretty damn clear from the get go). Well, he started pushing for sex on date #3 to which I reminded him about my stance. He got kind of pissy and ended the date. He messaged me later than night to tell me he wasn't interested in a serious relationship but would be open to a FWB situation. My response: *"that position is currently filled but will be eliminated as soon as I can fill the boyfriend position. Let me know if you'd like me to add you to the waitlist".* Never heard from him again. I laughed.


I got online yesterday and started chatting with a guy who sounded interesting. Online, he was nice, and is apparently wanting a relationship. Once we exchanged numbers though, the sexts started rolling in. I asked him what he was after: relationship or FWB, he said FWB to start, then let it grow... Lila, I used your line! >


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ursula said:


> he said FWB to start, _then let it grow... _


Yeah, right. 

Good on ya', Ursula.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

What did he say? :surprise:



Ursula said:


> Lila, I used your line! >


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

minimalME said:


> What did he say? :surprise:


He said that we’d need to see if we have chemistry in-person or not; texting doesn’t count, then proceeded to try to convince me to still get together this weekend. :crazy:


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ursula said:


> He said that we’d need to see if we have chemistry in-person or not; texting doesn’t count, then proceeded to try to convince me to still get together this weekend. :crazy:


Sure, wanting to meet in person to see if there's chemistry is perfectly appropriate.

But when you've already heard a previously stated goal to _start with _FWB to see where it goes, that's something entirely different.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ursula said:


> He said that we’d need to see if we have chemistry in-person or not; texting doesn’t count, then proceeded to try to convince me to still get together this weekend. :crazy:


This is standard BS. He wants what he wants and is NOT listening to you. Cuz well he wants to get laid, and it is with you or not. Doesn't much matter.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ursula said:


> I got online yesterday and started chatting with a guy who sounded interesting. Online, he was nice, and is apparently wanting a relationship. Once we exchanged numbers though, the sexts started rolling in. I asked him what he was after: relationship or FWB, he said FWB to start, then let it grow... Lila, I used your line! >


Guy did you a favor. Always look on the bright-side, don't get discouraged.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@Ursula there is a word that is banned on tam,it rhymes with runt. 
It’s time you started being one. At least for a while let your inner ***** loose.
Stop being so ****ing nice!
I’m a good while out of the dating game but when I dated I had one secret weapon that never failed me. I didn’t really give a damn whether a woman that I asked out agreed to come or not. And I didn’t hide it. There were always plenty more to choose from. 
But in all honesty I had at least a ninety percent success rate. 
Now you may think someone like me was a real bastard and you may be right. But I was never stuck for a date. And I always treated them like Princesses. 
I think I told you this before,stop looking at every new guy as the next Mr Ursula,just use them and lose them and when you find one you want to spend more time with he will be glad of the chance. 
And when the time comes to next some guy,don’t hesitate.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'll also state that a very standard practice for me, was NOT to get caught up in weeks of texting or emailing, or phone calls. The point of the exercise is to have the date. Plan on a 40 minute date for coffee, or lunch, ice cream dates were a favorite of mine. If you have a problem with ice cream short of lactose intolerance, you just made my decision for me.

I wrote about my experience with a woman years ago, we exchanged some emails, than texting, than phone calls. We literally spoke for about 3 weeks before we met. She had my photos. She even brought up and started discussing sex.

We planned back to back dates, a Friday, after I literally had flown in from business travel, and then a day date on Saturday. Long story short, when we met Friday, and it became apparent in very short order that she liked the photos better than the actual merchandise.

We had established a rapport before actually even meeting ... which in my opinion is a bad idea, because as in my case it can set up a false narrative. 

3 points of contact and ask for the date. And my advice to you is, that if you are corresponding with a guy who HASN'T asked for a date after no more than 5 points of contact, email or whatver; (mine was 3), he's probably not worth your time. I'll tell you on dating sites who doesn't mind the 'long game' at all? Married dudes.

It's worth recognizing that women want to be safe, and again, most men are going to acknowledge that. But my simple rule for being on a dating site, was to get to the date. All the phone calls and texts in the world, don't have the same weight as that first 30 seconds when you look in someone eyes, or regard their smile (or lack of one) when you are actually engaging for the first time.

I know it's easy to roll your eyes at the D-bags like that guy, but there is also something to be said for 'failing fast', the faster you can weed through chaff, the sooner you will eventually get to the wheat.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Spicy said:


> Considering how many men you have dated during this journey... perhaps consider a new tactic with him.
> 
> When he tells you that he wants to date others, let him know you thought about it, and think the two of you have real potential, and that you are not interested in sharing him. That if he wants to date others, that he should do so, and you will understand...but if he would like to date you, that you want to be exclusive. Present this to him in a way that makes him feel special (sounds like he is) and makes you different from many of the others out there. My H got the date with me because he was going to stop talking to me because he thought I was chatting with other guys and he was SO over all the games and only wanted to be in a committed relationship. That is what made me realize THIS was a man I wanted to meet...
> 
> ...


I like the boldness of @Spicy 's suggestion. Fits with the 'fail faster' approach. You know if someone is in, or not. Of course my own personal spin would also be to throw in, "And if you do agree to exclusivity, and choose to date around anyway? Well ... let's not dwell on that, have I told you about my machete collection?"


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > @Ursula just have fun with it. I made dating a game and didn't take anyone or anything that was said to me seriously, at least not within the first handful of dates.
> ...


That's awesome! Glad you didn't back down.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Deejo said:


> I'll also state that a very standard practice for me, was NOT to get caught up in weeks of texting or emailing, or phone calls. The point of the exercise is to have the date. Plan on a 40 minute date for coffee, or lunch, ice cream dates were a favorite of mine. If you have a problem with ice cream short of lactose intolerance, you just made my decision for me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A. B. C.

Always Be Closing.

Deejo, my man, from the numbers game to the conversion ratio from contact to date, you have effectively applied the science of sales to dating.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Deejo said:


> I like the boldness of @Spicy 's suggestion. Fits with the 'fail faster' approach. You know if someone is in, or not. Of course my own personal spin would also be to throw in, "And if you do agree to exclusivity, and choose to date around anyway? Well ... let's not dwell on that, have I told you about my machete collection?"


Me too. And that's what I did when I was dating. I was looking for a long term, committed relationship that would lead to marriage. I was done with boyfriends, I wanted a husband. I didn't want to waste my time dating forever.

My husband and I talked about all those things on our first date - in a general sense obviously, but it got our cards on the table, we both knew what the other was looking for, in our case those things matched and so on we went


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Deejo said:


> I'll also state that a very standard practice for me, was NOT to get caught up in weeks of texting or emailing, or phone calls. The point of the exercise is to have the date. Plan on a 40 minute date for coffee, or lunch, ice cream dates were a favorite of mine. If you have a problem with ice cream short of lactose intolerance, you just made my decision for me.
> 
> I wrote about my experience with a woman years ago, we exchanged some emails, than texting, than phone calls. We literally spoke for about 3 weeks before we met. She had my photos. She even brought up and started discussing sex.
> 
> ...


I agree. I also had a experience where I developed an online relationship/ text and phone relationship for about a month with one woman. By photos she was gorgeous, her personality matched mine. Work and child custody roadblocks made meeting an impossibility though for about 30 days. Big day finally comes and man I have to admit I was already into this woman. But after 5 minutes of face to face I knew were weren’t a match. Just no chemistry, speaking felt ackward. I was disappointed but learned a lesson. With rare exception after that I had a one week rule to meet quick just to see what the connection was like. That rule ever failed me. Online dating is great to meet people but it’s the introduction. Get on a real date fast as possible


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree. I also had a experience where I developed an online relationship/ text and phone relationship for about a month with one woman. By photos she was gorgeous, her personality matched mine. Work and child custody roadblocks made meeting an impossibility though for about 30 days. Big day finally comes and man I have to admit I was already into this woman. But after 5 minutes of face to face I knew were weren’t a match. Just no chemistry, speaking felt ackward. I was disappointed but learned a lesson. With rare exception after that I had a one week rule to meet quick just to see what the connection was like. That rule ever failed me. Online dating is great to meet people but it’s the introduction. Get on a real date fast as possible


Yep, I had the same kind of experience. You never know until you are actually face to face. It sucks when you think you have connected and then ZERO click in person. The quicker you meet up, the quicker you can say PASS and the less time you waste.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ursula said:


> He said that we’d need to see if we have chemistry in-person or not; texting doesn’t count, then proceeded to try to convince me to still get together this weekend. :crazy:


"I'm not available anymore this weekend but I think your hand is probably free."


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