# how can you tell if your partner is having an affair ?



## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

OK i found some reciepts for some hotels where he was meant to be working at a different location and i opened his mobile phone bill to find he had phoned and text one person over 80 times in a few days .. does this point to me needed to dig futher or should i ask him out right ? was tempted to phone the number not sure what the right thing to do is .


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Well...you definitely have found a problem. I'm guessing you already have a hunch about him having an affair.

There are some pretty smart people on these forums on finding these things out. I suggest you hang tight on revealing what you know and wait for some better advice.

FYI - MAKE COPIES


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

so the hotels were in places he wasnt supposed be. i.e. he told you he was somewhere else those days?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

phone the number. Use 141 before the number to block caller id.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

three of the hotels are for places he shouldnt have been havent rung the number im not sure if i should ?


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Do not call. All this will do will is have him be more careful in hiding what he's doing. 

I think you should dig deeper into things and start keeping records of what you find. When you have finished looking around take what you have found to your husband and ask for him to explain himself. Hopefully he isn't cheating, but from what you have said it's not looking good...


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

what sort of things should i be looking for , have already gone through bank statements , its all pointing towards him seeing someone else little clues like lack of sex drive , not leaving his phone alone ..


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I would look into the computer he uses most. I have found a lot of good information that way. Does he use a work laptop?

What did you find in the bank statements?



katie jane said:


> what sort of things should i be looking for , have already gone through bank statements , its all pointing towards him seeing someone else little clues like lack of sex drive , not leaving his phone alone ..


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

hotel bookings which would usally be paid for by his work not our account flowers theater tickets ! loads his lap top has a password i dont know it


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

What do you think he would say if you confronted him now?



katie jane said:


> hotel bookings which would usally be paid for by his work not our account flowers theater tickets ! loads his lap top has a password i dont know it


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I think he would try really hard to cover and make excues .. hes away untill thursday so i want to ask him face to face i think his reaction will be very telling .


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Oh of course! You can't say anything over the phone. Im sure you will be able to tell a thousand tales with his reaction.

Well can he make excuses for the spending? Is it possible that he took clients out?



katie jane said:


> I think he would try really hard to cover and make excues .. hes away untill thursday so i want to ask him face to face i think his reaction will be very telling .


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Yes very possible, he has a company credit card for that .. there are times when he said he was in london and ive hotel bookings for dublin ! the places are to far apart for a last minute change of hotel .


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

First, make copies of all the paperwork you have that is 'smoking'....bills and receipts.

When you confront him, tell him that you love him but are scared that he might be cheating on you. Show him your evidence and ask him to explain every item. (Why did he stay in Dublin, who got the flowers? Who went to the theatre with him, etc.)

If he doesn't admit to an affair right there - ask for his phone, and password if it has one. Ask for his computer password. That will smoke him out if he's cheating.

If he is, then'll he'll cry and beg forgiveness. Don't just cave right there and tell him all is forgiven. Tell him you love him and want to fix the marriage, but he has some work to do....


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Your life is quite the roller-coaster, isn't it KJ?

Hold off on letting him know about the phone number. That is a huge wild card you can pull later. Make the photocopy DN recommended. Let him continue to text and call. There will be a flurry of activity between them when you hit him with everything else. Show him the photocopy and INSIST he show youth bill/call history immediately. Then recommend you call the number together.

This might explain why he was so understanding about your little insiscretion, no? Maybe he felt he had a green light. His turn, so to speak?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> Do not call. All this will do will is have him be more careful in hiding what he's doing.
> 
> I think you should dig deeper into things and start keeping records of what you find. When you have finished looking around take what you have found to your husband and ask for him to explain himself. Hopefully he isn't cheating, but from what you have said it's not looking good...


Nah. Phone it just to see who answers. Just make sure to block caller id and dont say anything.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> hotel bookings which would usally be paid for by his work not our account flowers theater tickets ! loads his lap top has a password i dont know it


Oh dear. Flowers and tickets is not a good sign.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> hotel bookings which would usally be paid for by his work not our account flowers theater tickets ! loads his lap top has a password i dont know it


is it password protected on boot up or for windows login?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> Nah. Phone it just to see who answers. Just make sure to block caller id and dont say anything.


:iagree: flowers, theatre tickets and being well away from where he said he was are some pretty big flags.

I phoned just to see if the voice on the other end was a woman's voice....and my heart sunk when it was....I just hung up. I then searched the number online and was able to find her age which was a few years younger than me, so it fit with the other clues I had found.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

cody5 said:


> Your life is quite the roller-coaster, isn't it KJ?
> 
> Hold off on letting him know about the phone number. That is a huge wild card you can pull later. Make the photocopy DN recommended. Let him continue to text and call. There will be a flurry of activity between them when you hit him with everything else. Show him the photocopy and INSIST he show youth bill/call history immediately. Then recommend you call the number together.
> 
> This might explain why he was so understanding about your little insiscretion, no? Maybe he felt he had a green light. His turn, so to speak?


think it explains why is was understanding .. have so many things going through my head


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## Ruth (Dec 8, 2009)

HI kate,
I am going through the same sort of things and have been since we married. I understand that you love him and dont want to think anything is wrong, but all the signs say it is. I feel for you and wish that life was easier, but it is not. Before you accept this for yourself, try to figure out if you think the answers will help you. I know when I found out the truth it really really hurt, and i gave in and tried again with him- repeatedly. Each and every effort ended up the same and nothing ever changed. I have finally accepted that he is not able to love me the way I need to be loved, and discovered that if I was so untrusting of him i wasnt really 'in love' either. I want him to cherish me and think of me as special, but he doesnt, for his own reasons. Those are things i can never change, no matter how I act, dress, look or anything. He was my world and still he doesnt know or truly care how his actions are affecting me, my emotional health, my physical health, my entire outlook on life and my self worth in general. Dont let it get you, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth more. Even if you do find out he has been cheating, do you need to hear that to know you are unhappy? I am not that old, but if I had a daughter I would tell her not to waste her youth like I did. 
I am sorry if i rambled, i just have alot of strong feeling about this kind of garbage wasting an otherwise enjoyable albeit short life. 
Ruth


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

swedish said:


> :iagree: flowers, theatre tickets and being well away from where he said he was are some pretty big flags.
> 
> I phoned just to see if the voice on the other end was a woman's voice....and my heart sunk when it was....I just hung up. I then searched the number online and was able to find her age which was a few years younger than me, so it fit with the other clues I had found.


A lady answered


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> is it password protected on boot up or for windows login?


it asks for a password before booting up


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

are there phone number lookups in the UK? I was able to go to peoplefinders & whitepages websites and do a reverse phone number lookup to find additional info. just to feel fairly confident before I confronted him.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

swedish said:


> are there phone number lookups in the UK? I was able to go to peoplefinders & whitepages websites and do a reverse phone number lookup to find additional info. just to feel fairly confident before I confronted him.


thanks thats a good call , kinda know that he has seen her just have to much evidence now to think any different


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

katie jane said:


> it asks for a password before booting up


I have a laptop for work and my wife has my password. She uses it to surf the net at times if our home PC is being used. I find it odd when I hear that other people don't tell their spouse the password for their work stuff.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

He always said it was incase it got stolen ! guess i should have thought about it a little ! 
I didnt even think until i found the reciepts


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

katie jane said:


> He always said it was incase it got stolen ! guess i should have thought about it a little !
> I didnt even think until i found the reciepts


Yes we do have the password in case it is stolen. Pretty sure my wife isn't going to steal it. I know where she lives damn it!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

id laugh if only i hadnt been so stupid !!

so tempted to call him ! just wouldnt know what to say


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

katie jane said:


> id laugh if only i hadnt been so stupid !!
> 
> so tempted to call him ! just wouldnt know what to say


Sorry, I tried to lighten the mood a little bit...

Do your best not to call. I know it will be hard, but it is important.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

swedish said:


> are there phone number lookups in the UK? I was able to go to peoplefinders & whitepages websites and do a reverse phone number lookup to find additional info. just to feel fairly confident before I confronted him.


Fairly sure you cant do that it the UK. i.e. get a name from a phone number.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> it asks for a password before booting up


Could be genuine. Depends what type of work he does. If its anything that could be confidential its possible the laptop is encrypted and has a password to access.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> id laugh if only i hadnt been so stupid !!
> 
> so tempted to call him ! just wouldnt know what to say


Katie,

I know its not looking good but I do still hope that theres nothing going on. I know how much you love him and you dont deserve this.....


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## danl (Nov 14, 2009)

Im going thru the same thing with my wife. How can I trace a cell phone number to its owner? All the sites Ive tried are only for landlines. Theres got to be a way to trace back a cell number.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

danl said:


> Im going thru the same thing with my wife. How can I trace a cell phone number to its owner? All the sites Ive tried are only for landlines. Theres got to be a way to trace back a cell number.


Didnt even know you could do this? I guess most of you lot are in North America but I'm pretty sure you cant do this in the UK...

I think it would be a violation of the Data Protection Act.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

danl said:


> Im going thru the same thing with my wife. How can I trace a cell phone number to its owner? All the sites Ive tried are only for landlines. Theres got to be a way to trace back a cell number.


You are probably right....in my case, I had a landline number.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I have a name and a number have called and it went through to voice mail ... called again and she answered and i said i was looking for someone else ! 
I want to ask him but i have to wait till tomorrow when hes home !! done some digging today and what ever he has done i know its not innocent


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Im very sorry to hear that. Best of luck with your talk with him tomorrow!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It's pretty clear he's cheating. First you need accept that or you'll be vulnerable to whatever BS excuse/explaination he's going to come up with. Assume he is going to lie like never before and try to make it seem like you are being crazy. That's standard wayward spouse behavior. Right now he is not your husband, he's a lying crazy version of your husband. 

You really have two choices in the confrontation: 

Tough love: You pack his bags, leave them by the door and when he comes home sit him down and say: "I know you are having an affair. You have the choice to be honest with me RIGHT NOW, or leave." He'll sputter and feel you out for what you know, and either come clean or deny/get angry/rant about trust, blah blah blah. It's best if you can stay calm. And not reveal your sources. He'll ask, "what have you found?" You say: "I know you are cheating. I know everything." If he is willing to confess, you can ask him for the laptop password and cell phone RIGHT THEN.

Placating: The other option, is you ask "are you cheating", he say's no, of course not. You tip off all the intell you found, he talks his way around it, you cry, he finds a way to avoid the conversation, then gets better at hiding it from you, and you both live in a miserable, lie filled situation indefinitely, where you feel more and more like you are going crazy.

I'd go for #1.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I will warn you, there is the strong urge to want to know every detail. The problem is, if you find out every detail, they just etch into your brain and you end up torturing yourself thinking about it.

Obviously, there is something shady going on. Talking to the other woman won't help either. She will only lie to you.

You have a day bafore he gets back? You really need to sit down and think about what you want to happen next. You confront him, then what? Do you want to work it out? Do you want him to leave? Think about what happens next for you and try to plan for it.

By the way....I saw this thing on Google once about a "clone?" thing you can get and send to his cell phone. It is invisible on his phone and you get all the calls and messages on your cell ph one that he gets and recieves. I don't know much beyond that, not sure how it works, and I think it costs money. There were videos on Google about it though.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

dont even know how im feeling right now ! very confused , but its so hard when you love someone, i do know i need to talk and lisen to what he has to say , not easy because i have his son at the moment trying to keep things normal but hurting loads at the moment . 
think im just going to put all the things ive found on the table and ask him to explain every item .


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I am not going to tell you whether you should stay in the marriage or not.

I do want to tell you that if you decide to leave, you will be heartbroken, but you WILL recover.

If you stay in the marriage, you will be heartbroken, knowing he's had an affair. Some people get past it and heal and move on in their marriage. Some people get cheated on again, and have their hearts broken again and again in the marriage. 

I really feel for ya, gal. Hang in there and let us know how you're doing.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Just feel so bloody stupid !! how did i miss all the signs ? have a million questions i want him to answer angry sad and messed up ..then i feel like did i do something wrong should i have done more x confused


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Okay KJ, I have waited to comment on this because I was pretty close to 100% he is cheating right off your first post. Here is my advise. Do NOT give him your data that you know. Go with what was said previously that you KNOW everything and see his reaction. The reason I say this is if you do tell him then he knows what it is you know and you still don't know what you want to know. And those questions multiply like rabbits once the cats outta the bag. It is always best to keep your cards to yourself and not show your hand at any point in this, regardless of where you are at in the process. It keeps him off balance and prevents him from stepping up his hiding as another member mentioned, which once he knows your onto him he will start to really hide his stuff. Also, do not let him take anything out of the house except his clothes and pack those for him too. I would not let him into that house no matter what. If its like it is here in the states, he will have to have the police present and if the laws are like they are here, all he can take is his personal effects (clothing for the most part).

Secondly, I think it is in your best interest to kick him out. I do not know what the laws are in the UK but since you are the mother and have the child with you, you should hold the upper hand in holding possession of the residence. 

Lastly, your going to really be hit hard most likely by his demeanor in this. The usual course of action with the cheating spouse is to play the blame game with you. They will unload their guilt on you and say everything is your fault. You will be the one who forced them into the arms of another person. You will feel belittled, accoused of all sorts of nonesense potentially, and many other things that will hurt you emotionally beyond the basic pain you will endour from the betrayal of adultery. This is going to be very painful, and I would really do everything you can to set the ground rules for this going forward. Meaning not letting him back into that house until your ready. You also need to be ready for the fact that he will take control of evrything he can to get back at you, money, bank accounts, credit cards, household utilities/telephones etc (if its like it is in the US), or anything else that he can control. I would not put it past someone to drain the bank accounts, stop paying the bills etc. If I were you I would probably talk to an attorney asap so you can have them ready to start enforcing him to abide by the laws in your area when something like this happens so your not also financially burdened.

I know this will sound like a lot of panicking and such or even overkill but you need to be ready for the worst and hope he isn't like that. 

Another thing is they will downplay all of it. Oh their only a friend or I didn't sleep with them, etc etc. Trust me I heard it all myself and its textbook behavior.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Just saw your last post. Do not blame yourself in this. His behavior is selfish and he thought he could get away with it, they always do. This is all on him, not you. Remember that. Remember this too as you are going through this, there are better days ahead. You have to believe this!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I have had to take some blame ..if all was ok then he wouldnt off started having an affair


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> I have had to take some blame ..if all was ok then he wouldnt off started having an affair


Nope, not true. Two things on this: 1. People have affairs even in good marriages, I don't know if yours is good or not, but it happens for lots of reasons. 2. Cheating isn't a solution to a problem marriage. Communication and honesty are. Cheaters cheat for all sorts of reasons.

Over the next while you are probably going to go through hell (hopefully not, but be prepared). It's best if you can read up as much as possible on affairs. The best site for this is survivinginfidelity.com There are also good books: After the Affair, and Not Just Friends. The more you know, the more you can stay calm, the more you can avoid self-blaming behavior, and understand that affairs follow consistent patterns, the more you'll be able to get through it with the least amount of emotional damage.

The saying that is more appropriate is: Marriage problems are 50/50% for each spouse; affairs are 100% the responsibility of the wayward spouse.

Keep us posted.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

i have my part to blame to makes you wonder if marriage is worth the heart ache !! 
what is the point ? is it all just a quick shag ? and years of marriage destroyed ?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Im sorry Katie hope you are ok ? marriages have good times and bad times its about talking and comunicating but also knowing that you have to let go at times or fight to recover x on msn if you need to chat


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

thanks Carol x 
not looking fowards to today at all , just when do you say that enough is enough and walk away from each other ? 
when do you deside to protect yourself from anymore hurt ? will i know if its worth fighting for ? i just dont know


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> I have a name and a number have called and it went through to voice mail ... called again and she answered and i said i was looking for someone else !
> I want to ask him but i have to wait till tomorrow when hes home !! done some digging today and what ever he has done i know its not innocent


So you've found more evidence thats conclusive?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> I have had to take some blame ..if all was ok then he wouldnt off started having an affair


Katie,

No way is it your fault......


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Katie, the hurt is a process. I think for some that process takes longer than others but regardless it is a cycle we have to endure. Google the five stages of grief, also sometimes called the seven stages of grief. It will shed some light on what your going through. 

I think one of the biggest things for you to do once you are on track with whatever outcome you pursue is to get out of the house and start doing things for yourself. it will be very beneficial in progressing that process along. If you lock yourself up in the house and dwell on it, it will make it all the worse.

Since your about 6hrs ahead of us here in the states, I assume your having that confrontation right now. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I just wanted him to be honest with me !! he couldnt do that .. he told me he had only met her once ... until i showed him some receipts and then he said a few times !! he said she means nothing .. if she means nothing why did he keep seeing her ? have packed a few things and im going to stay with friends .. i cant bear to argue because i love him to much ,,,, i just wanted him to be honest , maybe if he was i could have forgiven him


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> I just wanted him to be honest with me !! he couldnt do that .. he told me he had only met her once ... until i showed him some receipts and then he said a few times !! he said she means nothing .. if she means nothing why did he keep seeing her ? have packed a few things and im going to stay with friends .. i cant bear to argue because i love him to much ,,,, i just wanted him to be honest , maybe if he was i could have forgiven him


Thats awful. Has he told you the whole truth yet or is he still trying to lie his way out of it?

As a bloke, I must admit sometimes to being ashamed of others of my gender. I know too many friends/colleagues who are just like him.

Personally, I dont know how anyone can do it?

Also, to someone as sweet and loving as Katie... Realy gutted for you KJ. 

{{{hugs}}}


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

thanks and he hasnt told me everything he just comes out with stupid lies


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I met with my husband today and i told him i just needed one thing from him HONESTY !
He couldnt give me that just loads of lies and backtracking !!! I phoned the number and it turns out the lady is his PA from work ... doing a little to much extra work !!!!! she begged me not to tell her husband ... id never do that her marriage and children deserve better but its also something she has to live with .

Cant bear to talk to him at the moment . 
when i asked why it was quote we were away and drank to much !! 
and then it was hard to stop !! 

not sure what or how to do this confused and hurting


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

katie jane said:


> I met with my husband today and i told him i just needed one thing from him HONESTY !
> He couldnt give me that just loads of lies and backtracking !!! I phoned the number and it turns out the lady is his PA from work ... doing a little to much extra work !!!!! she begged me not to tell her husband ... id never do that her marriage and children deserve better but its also something she has to live with .
> 
> Cant bear to talk to him at the moment .
> ...


He is into it for fun and thinks he can get away with it because you trusted him so much. Even when I treathened my husband to leave him, he does not give me all I wanted to know. He still ies for months. And the worst part of it that the PA is with a street hooker during my 9th month pregnancy and after giving birth. We are now trying to rebuid our marriage but I am always paranoid and I hate that feeling. That isnt me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

well i have left ....and it hurts so much ... i could forgive him i love him so much  
Trust is a big thing in our marriage because hes away so much ... i do know that id struggle every time he went away i dont and i cant live like that .. 

If he had been honest and said yes this happened i d find it easier to cope with . its the stupid pathetic lies ..

he text me and said he didint tell me the truth because he cant bear to hurt me and see me cry !! well hes hurt me more then he knows what is the point in life ?


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

he text me and said he didint tell me the truth because he cant bear to hurt me and see me cry !! well hes hurt me more then he knows what is the point in life ?[/QUOTE]

Wow! My H told me the exact same words when I discovered that he isnt telling me all I wanted to know. Anyway be strong for now. You will surely overcome this problem. It seems that its just a fling. He will win you back. But be sure to have a heart to heart talk first. Explain to him why you need to know and what it would do to u and to ur marriage. Explain everything. Goodluck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Im not sure i want him back !! 
to be honest im not sure what i want have cried laughed got angry and felt low .

one minute i want to fight to save our marriage the next i think to hell with it lifes to short not to be happy


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I am sorry you are going through this. Hang in there!

Your husband's been a real jerk.

Do what you can to heal. Seek out counseling and protect yourself financially too.

This might not be the end of your marriage but it is teetering on the brink.

I found this guy, Dr. Frank Gunzburg, to be useful:

All About Infidelity and Marital Affairs


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

KJ this article may help you. It's written for the wayward spouse, but describes all the things you are going through.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

ive moved out im not interested in being financially secure , have my own money , we have no children together he has his son and im not about to argue over belongings i need his son to be happy and in his own home .just bloody hurts so much


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> KJ this article may help you. It's written for the wayward spouse, but describes all the things you are going through.
> 
> SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity


thankyou


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

katie jane said:


> Im not sure i want him back !!
> to be honest im not sure what i want have cried laughed got angry and felt low .
> 
> one minute i want to fight to save our marriage the next i think to hell with it lifes to short not to be happy


I honestly know what you're going through. I have those crazy feelings too during that time. But in your heart you know what you want, you are just hurt right now. Give yourself a little time to think straight. Do what you think that might help you heal. Read a lot. I have also read the surviving infidelity.com it helps a lot to understand what you are feeling right now. FYI - I have done crazy things to heal like telling his family what he did to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I couldnt tell his family i dont want to cause anyone any hurt over what he has done .what can i gain from doing that ? 
I dont even really want to know the details of what they have done together . Just wanted him to man up and say I have had an affair with ........ and its been going on for so many months .

then i ask myself should i let him go and be with her or do i fight for our marriage ? could i trust him again ?


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

I did tell his family to shame him. Its my way of getting even. I also want him to feel the pain and suffer. I know I cant get anything from that but I am hurting during that time. I know its childish but I dont give a damn. Dont rush into a decision at this point. Your emotions will cloud your judgement. Focus on yourself first. Over time things will get better. I wish you peace and joy soon. We are not here to decide for you but to make you hold on and guide you how to cope. Its very hard I know. You have been betrayed by that one person you trusted the most. That one person you think would not hurt you. But think that we all do mistake sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Id be the first to admit ive made mistakes .. i am hurting but it feels very surreal like its happening to someone else .
I do truly love him , i thought we would spend the rest of our lifes together ... spent to long crying over something i have no control over ...
I cant hate him for what hes done i guess im in a lot of pain would like to know what he got from her that i couldnt give ...maybe im just thinking to much


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Something has just been brought to my attention something i hadnt thought off ...safe sex !! 

How do i know he practised safe sex and how do i know that he hasnt put me at risk ? my friend just brought it up and its made me feel a little angry .


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

whats worrying me is that i know just how much he hates comdoms ! in the pit of my stomach i know he would have had unprotected sex with her!

I will get tested all i can do is hope that he hasnt infected me with anything !!


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I'm offering good odds she comes back w/ an STD.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

cody that's an inconsiderate thing to say. Why would you want to create more anxiety for her? The days and weeks after discovery are truly awful.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

cody5 said:


> I'm offering good odds she comes back w/ an STD.


I really hope not . Cody5 thanks for making me worry just that little bit more !!! because ive not had nothing to worry about ! your comment hurt ...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Nah. chances are you're OK.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> I met with my husband today and i told him i just needed one thing from him HONESTY !
> He couldnt give me that just loads of lies and backtracking !!! I phoned the number and it turns out the lady is his PA from work ... doing a little to much extra work !!!!! she begged me not to tell her husband ... id never do that her marriage and children deserve better but its also something she has to live with .
> 
> Cant bear to talk to him at the moment .
> ...


Nah. I'd definitely tell everyone I know inc this womans husband.

Those who live by the sword die by the sword !!!!!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Shes got children i dont want to mess up there Christmas , she knows i know , im sure shes having a bad time just knowing that. 

I have no time for him or her , not sure if i want to fight or walk away ..


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Your a very kind person , would be very easy to take your hurt and frustration out on his family and her .. word off caution dont tell many people they judge forever , if you do get back with your husband then close friends wont judge you for taking him back after all this has to be your choice not anyone elses . 
my wife and i repaired our marriage and we are stronger then we have ever been , only cloud his her parents because they know what i put her through and have never forgiven me . If you think its over then tell the world .. just think carefully about what your given up what you want for your future .. 

could you ask him for a honesty meeting where you both can say what you feel and get some questions answered ?


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

how many chances do i need to give him ive asked 3 times for him to be open and honest each time hes backtracked and lied ! 

he said he lies to stop me from hurting ..it only adds to the hurt


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> cody that's an inconsiderate thing to say. Why would you want to create more anxiety for her? The days and weeks after discovery are truly awful.


My apologies to everyone. Compared to all of you, I have a minor problem in my marriage. Even so, you all have taken time out of your busy days to offer me understanding and give me help, and for that I will forever be grateful. And may God strike me dead if I am wrong and I am adding further pain to this girls life, but here goes...

I'm not giving odds that she actually HAS an STD. I'm offering odds that the next chapter in this fictional account has her discovering that she contracted an STD through her husbands affairs. Does everyone not remember the major drama she went through not even a month ago? It was amazing reading. And counter to EVERY other thread I've read here, it had a start, middle and an (everyone lived happily ever after) ending. That just doesn't happen. If nothing else, that episode should have played a MAJOR part in this story, but not a word in 5+ pages. Buying theater tickets and flowers is cliche enough, but to do it on a credit card, where she will see the bill, showing he was in a different COUNTRY than the one in which he should have been?

There. I said it. And on that note, I've just thrown out all of the goodwill I've built up on this forum over the past few months. Because like the lies in my marriage, this woman would be foolish to fess up, so I'll be the bad guy (funny how that pattern repeats itself in my life). 

KJ, if I'm wrong and you really are suffering as you surely would be if this account were true, and I've just made it worse, may God strike me with a horrible debilitating disease.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

cody im not saying ive not paid my part in the colaspes of my marriage i never have, i know ive made mistakes Happy enddings ... i dont think ill get that .
I havent slepted ive cried and im hurting im confused angry and a emotional wreck .. i dont think i could hurt more anyhow . 
I wouldnt wish a debilitating disesase on you ... just hope you never have to feel how im feeling ever .


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Kj- He had no right to do what he did to you. Talking to you about the issues before going to the extreme he did but I have to wonder why he went that far?? I hate to pry but how was your life together?? Was it fullfilling for both?? Did you both try to nurture the relationship along?? Then there is the all important sex life. Most men don't stray if they are happy in their marriage and sex life. Most of us miss the little signs before an affair happens and then boom it happens.. I am not saying this was your fault but just trying to understand why he did it. I find it odd without kids that it would be a struggle..


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

My life hasnt been fullfilling he works away 2 weeks every month and our sex life had been effected by that .. I do love him and maybe i havent always shown him how much .
He has a son whom i look after when hes away and i love like he was mine .
i missed signs because i trusted him i didnt have reason to doubt , we had flood and had to pull out his closet and found a few reciepts .. didnt even look at them until later that evening .
maybe i didnt put enough excitement into our sex life i really dont know .


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> Shes got children i dont want to mess up there Christmas , she knows i know , im sure shes having a bad time just knowing that.
> 
> I have no time for him or her , not sure if i want to fight or walk away ..


I see what you mean. Wait until after Xmas then.

She should have thought about her kids before this. What about her husband - i think he should know as well.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> My life hasnt been fullfilling he works away 2 weeks every month and our sex life had been effected by that .. I do love him and maybe i havent always shown him how much .
> He has a son whom i look after when hes away and i love like he was mine .
> i missed signs because i trusted him i didnt have reason to doubt , we had flood and had to pull out his closet and found a few reciepts .. didnt even look at them until later that evening .
> maybe i didnt put enough excitement into our sex life i really dont know .


Katie,

Dont be soft !!!!!!

How can you put more excitement into your sex life? From what I remember you're like a sex addict arent you? Flippin' heck - compare yourself to my wife !!!!!

It isnt your fault at all. I would deffo tell this going away lark stops now - if you're planning on staying together.

Its obvious that a lot of that is unnecessary and is just a chance for him to cheat.


I think I'm more annoyed than you. LOL. 
He goes away all the time and says hes working. Leaves you home- wont let you go out and get a job. You look after his son as well for him. And half the time hes not working hes knocking off his pa and taking her on trips around the UK and Ireland !!!!! And then to top it all off he aint big enough to own up when he gets busted.

I'm sorry he deserves a kick in the [email protected] !!!!


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Loving Husband said:


> Kj- He had no right to do what he did to you. Talking to you about the issues before going to the extreme he did but I have to wonder why he went that far?? I hate to pry but how was your life together?? Was it fullfilling for both?? Did you both try to nurture the relationship along?? Then there is the all important sex life. Most men don't stray if they are happy in their marriage and sex life. Most of us miss the little signs before an affair happens and then boom it happens.. I am not saying this was your fault but just trying to understand why he did it. I find it odd without kids that it would be a struggle..


LH,

From KJs previous posts, I'm able to deduce:-

1. Shes got a HUGE sex drive
2. Shes up for other approaches shall we say
3. Shes up for the toys idea
4. She seems very nice and sweet
5. She looks OK to me in the picture

As a bloke I cant see much wrong there. If her Dad owned a brewery then she'd be the perfect woman !!!!

Only thing I can deduce is that he must be nuts.... !!!!! 
:lol:


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> LH,
> 
> From KJs previous posts, I'm able to deduce:-
> 
> ...


I agree with you on these points but it's not what we think or feel. It is what he does. There are underlining issues. I am not saying it's her fault or anything she did but it could be other things we don't know. The 2 weeks away is tough. That's a lot of time to be seperate from your spouse.. If he isn't strong I can see how he can stray very easy.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

cody5 said:


> My apologies to everyone. Compared to all of you, I have a minor problem in my marriage. Even so, you all have taken time out of your busy days to offer me understanding and give me help, and for that I will forever be grateful. And may God strike me dead if I am wrong and I am adding further pain to this girls life, but here goes...
> 
> I'm not giving odds that she actually HAS an STD. I'm offering odds that the next chapter in this fictional account has her discovering that she contracted an STD through her husbands affairs. Does everyone not remember the major drama she went through not even a month ago? It was amazing reading. And counter to EVERY other thread I've read here, it had a start, middle and an (everyone lived happily ever after) ending. That just doesn't happen. If nothing else, that episode should have played a MAJOR part in this story, but not a word in 5+ pages. Buying theater tickets and flowers is cliche enough, but to do it on a credit card, where she will see the bill, showing he was in a different COUNTRY than the one in which he should have been?
> 
> ...


Cody,

I'm confused as to why you think this is all just fiction????


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Loving Husband said:


> I agree with you on these points but it's not what we think or feel. It is what he does. There are underlining issues. I am not saying it's her fault or anything she did but it could be other things we don't know. The 2 weeks away is tough. That's a lot of time to be seperate from your spouse.. If he isn't strong I can see how he can stray very easy.


Underlying issue could be simply that hes a scumbag who cheated because he thought he could get away with it. I;m sorry to say that I've got friends who are like this (one friend has 6-7 separate women on the go), and have absolutely no guilt about it at all....


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

his excues : because they had to much to drink ! and it was hard to stop once started .

Thats all he can say


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

That might explain the first time but instead of feeling horrible for betraying their spouses, they chose to continue the affair...when he booked the hotel and ordered flowers, I doubt he was drunk. 

He needs to come clean on why it continued assuming you even want to try to work things out at this point. I don't blame you for leaving...he doesn't sound as if he's ready to be honest...I think that will be your only hope in rebuilding things with him...I don't even understand why he feels the need to lie...you were honest about your own discretions a few weeks back so he knows neither of you are perfect...that just makes me wonder what he really wants?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

katie jane said:


> his excues : because they had to much to drink ! and it was hard to stop once started .
> 
> Thats all he can say


Same excuse for the ages.

My wife strung out that tale for 8 years apparently.

Tried to convince me that she only liked it for a little while, then only kept at it because he insisted.

Watch out for the crap stories.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

feeling pretty worthless  cant understand that he begs for me to move back yet he cant tell me why ! I havent shown him every thing i know .. may be i need to do that .. or will it just make him hide things more ?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> his excues : because they had to much to drink ! and it was hard to stop once started .
> 
> Thats all he can say



Thats a poor excuse....


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Keep the proof to yourself. Otherwise he will know where to hide is actions better. He probably is in panic mode right now and maybe the other woman has enlightened him that you talked to her etc. If I were you I would just completely cut off all contact with him for a while. Let your head clear and let some time go by to put things into perspective as to what you want to do next with this.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> feeling pretty worthless  cant understand that he begs for me to move back yet he cant tell me why ! I havent shown him every thing i know .. may be i need to do that .. or will it just make him hide things more ?



Tell him you know more but dont tell him what. Then tell him he needs to own up the whole truth or forget it.

If you tell him everything you know, he'll just hide the rest and remember to be more careful next time.

Although I must admit booking hotels in other countries on your credit card and then leaving them around is not clever is it?


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> Tell him you know more but dont tell him what. Then tell him he needs to own up the whole truth or forget it.
> 
> If you tell him everything you know, he'll just hide the rest and remember to be more careful next time.
> 
> Although I must admit booking hotels in other countries on your credit card and then leaving them around is not clever is it?


No its not clever but its something i never bother to check have never had a need to , i totally trusted him 100% .
I wouldnt have know if we didnt have a small flood , i had to move his closet and a few reciepts were behind it ! didnt even look at them till later as i was throwing them out... they made me look for other things , im sure if i look deeper ill find more crap !!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

New Beginnings said:


> Keep the proof to yourself. Otherwise he will know where to hide is actions better. He probably is in panic mode right now and maybe the other woman has enlightened him that you talked to her etc. If I were you I would just completely cut off all contact with him for a while. Let your head clear and let some time go by to put things into perspective as to what you want to do next with this.


:iagree:


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

katie jane said:


> feeling pretty worthless  cant understand that he begs for me to move back yet he cant tell me why ! I havent shown him every thing i know .. may be i need to do that .. or will it just make him hide things more ?


I think it is a good idea to show him everything now. It's already out. There isn't any more he can hide, because part of your demands for recovery should be complete transparency. 

I think it would be best to lay everything out on the table now. And say here is what I know. Tell him you will need complete honesty or there is zero chance the marriage will continue. He is trying to stonewall you, and so far it seems to be working.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would not tell him everything you know. If you decide to talk to him, I would tell him that you have done some snooping based on what you initially found and what he is telling you does not add up with what you've found. Then let him know you need complete honesty, the same way you were honest with him a few weeks back, or you cannot even imagine working through this. 

If you tell him what you know he will most likely back peddle and say oh, yeah, sorry that's true too...but will not give you more info. than what he knows you know of. You need some sense that he's being honest.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> I would not tell him everything you know. If you decide to talk to him, I would tell him that you have done some snooping based on what you initially found and what he is telling you does not add up with what you've found. Then let him know you need complete honesty, the same way you were honest with him a few weeks back, or you cannot even imagine working through this.
> 
> If you tell him what you know he will most likely back peddle and say oh, yeah, sorry that's true too...but will not give you more info. than what he knows you know of. You need some sense that he's being honest.


That is a very good piont swedish.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I cant bear to even see him at the moment i HATE him yet Love him i miss being with him and yet im angry and could very easily slap him .

gonna brave it out and meet him tommorow and im gonna say that what he says doesnt add up to what i know and for our marriage to work ... if he wants it to work he better man up and be honest . 

dreading it


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I can imagine you are dreading it, and I hope for your sake he will finally step up and be honest with you. You deserve that much...I don't think it will magically make things right again but at least you will feel a little less angry.

Try not to slap him


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

No for us to move foward then so much has to happen .. i so hope he can be honest with me .

gonna do my best not to slap him !! cant promise ( i smiled for the first time in ages )


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> I cant bear to even see him at the moment i HATE him yet Love him i miss being with him and yet im angry and could very easily slap him .
> 
> gonna brave it out and meet him tommorow and im gonna say that what he says doesnt add up to what i know and for our marriage to work ... if he wants it to work he better man up and be honest .
> 
> dreading it


good for you KJ. good luck with it


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

mommy22 said:


> Can I slap him for you then?


 really need to do it myself  !! 

really dreading today not slepted but im gonna be strong im not shreading any more tears


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> really need to do it myself  !!
> 
> really dreading today not slepted but im gonna be strong im not shreading any more tears


Good luck again KJ. Dont take any messing.

LEt us know how you get on x


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> Cody,
> 
> I'm confused as to why you think this is all just fiction????


To much drama in this girls life in too short a period of time. The first one was a doozie (refresh you box of Kleenex on your desk before you start reading). Two totally different stories. The first had a beginning, a middle and a "they lived happily ever after" conclusion (that NEVER happens here). She came looking for advice on that one and went 100% counter to a STRONG majority of the recommendations. Almost like the story was pre-written, advice be damned. Went to 10 pages or so. Now that super husband that forgave her is in the middle of her next drama. Less than a month later. Up to 8 pages and counting.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

cody5 said:


> To much drama in this girls life in too short a period of time. The first one was a doozie (refresh you box of Kleenex on your desk before you start reading). Two totally different stories. The first had a beginning, a middle and a "they lived happily ever after" conclusion (that NEVER happens here). She came looking for advice on that one and went 100% counter to a STRONG majority of the recommendations. Almost like the story was pre-written, advice be damned. Went to 10 pages or so. Now that super husband that forgave her is in the middle of her next drama. Less than a month later. Up to 8 pages and counting.


Cody i wish there wasnt drama in my life , i did come looking for advice and i got advice to which i acted and some which i didnt act apon i went with my gut instict, this was all before i found out that my husband was sleeping with someone else. 

I met with my husband today he did come clean over a lot of things and i also found out things i dint know .. 
I cant see a way back at the moment , maybe moving out just makes it harder to return .. i do love him! just a long way from being happy .

cody5 i dont know whats wrong with you mariage .. i only hope that you never have to feel the way i feel .


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm glad he came clean...sounds like a good first step. In the end, you will need to decide whether you can start over together or if it's best for you to move on...and you should take the time you need to figure that out.

It's also a good time to decide what you want to do as far as work, future whether you get back with him or not. Should you decide to go back, open, honest communication about the past is important but equally important is what would make things great for you both going forward.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I have been doing some volunteer work in between having his son . im going to have to take time to think about whether i go back or not . 

maybe in a few weeks ill feel different at the moment i feel rubbish


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

cody5 said:


> To much drama in this girls life in too short a period of time. The first one was a doozie (refresh you box of Kleenex on your desk before you start reading). Two totally different stories. The first had a beginning, a middle and a "they lived happily ever after" conclusion (that NEVER happens here). She came looking for advice on that one and went 100% counter to a STRONG majority of the recommendations. Almost like the story was pre-written, advice be damned. Went to 10 pages or so. Now that super husband that forgave her is in the middle of her next drama. Less than a month later. Up to 8 pages and counting.


Still dont see why someone would make it up....


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> I have been doing some volunteer work in between having his son . im going to have to take time to think about whether i go back or not .
> 
> maybe in a few weeks ill feel different at the moment i feel rubbish



Glad to see that hes at least being a bit more honest...

What about the other woman though? His PA. If it was me I'd be saying new PA or new job or new wife/husband !!!!

Also, trips away stop as well unless you can prove absoultely necessary.

And I'd insist on full access to his credit card statements, mobile phone bills etc.

It might sound a bit untrustung but he deserves it....

So are you staying at a friends for now?


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Yes im still staying with a good friend .. I made the decition not to tell man people mainly just in case we would be ok .. I dont think we will be .
Really cant see how to move fowards ! dont know if i want to


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

katie jane said:


> Cody i wish there wasnt drama in my life , i did come looking for advice and i got advice to which i acted and some which i didnt act apon i went with my gut instict, this was all before i found out that my husband was sleeping with someone else.
> 
> I met with my husband today he did come clean over a lot of things and i also found out things i dint know ..
> I cant see a way back at the moment , maybe moving out just makes it harder to return .. i do love him! just a long way from being happy .
> ...


I do think the longer you stay away the harder it is going to be to go back. Recovering from an affair will take a lot of hard work and it will bring a lot of pain with it. 

I know hearing the details is difficult to hear, especially when there are details you didn't know about. Were you confident that he told you everything and was honest?


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Hearing him tell me , just made it real .
He did ask me what else i knew ,which makes me think hes not told me everything ? 

I cant see how i can move back in ..would he just think its ok to cause me so much hurt ? I dont know if i even want to be with him at the moment .


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Katie i do think the longer you are apart the harder it will be to work through your problems , you both need to comunicate im sure it hurts so much right now and i can understand you dont know if you want to be with him.

saying sorry is very easy to say .. when my husband had his affair it blew me away emotionally ..you need to know you can recover i want you to know im happier now then the day i married him .

it takes time soul searching and a lot of looking with in !! 
both of you need to open up and be honest about your relationship together !! 

you are more then just a nanny to his son ! you need to become your own person , its not easy but you still can fight to improve bith your lifes . xx thinking of you Carol


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

thanks


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> Hearing him tell me , just made it real .
> He did ask me what else i knew ,which makes me think hes not told me everything ?
> 
> I cant see how i can move back in ..would he just think its ok to cause me so much hurt ? I dont know if i even want to be with him at the moment .


Hmmm. If hes asking what else you know then he aint told you everything I reckon.

He probably didnt do it to hurt you. Just because he thought he could get away with it...


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I thought that to , but this morning i showed him every thing i knew and made him explain every item .. wasnt good to hear my marriage is at breaking point .

He asked i f i could move back to work things out .. he promises to make changes to mark things work ..words so easy to say


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Katie, I truly feel for you and know exactly the emotional roller coaster your going through. My ex-wife did the same to me but put have the country between us to hide her actions. I was dumb enough, maybe blinded by love, to believe every lie she told me about her and her male roommate being "just friends". She even had him lieing to me when I did confront him on the phone. I threw in the towel and filed for divorce not only because she ruined every shred of what was pure and innocent about our relationship but also because she lied to such a degree that it truly destroyed any feelings of love I had for her. Even if one can not say that don't still love someone from their past that they spent half of their lives with, getting over the lies and always wondering if you know everything is what will eat you up inside. You will have to cross that bridge as well and decide if you can move forward with him and truly allow your heart to trust him again. I have heard stories of couples who claim to be closer after a situation like this than they ever were prior to it, but god does that take both people being completely open and transparent to each other to rebuild that trust. That will be what he has to do to convince you that you can rebuild your relationship again, if it is even something that you decide you want to even go through. It will be probably the hardest challenge in your life.

One of the reasons why I told you to not give him everything that you know is so you have the upper hand in making him reveal everything to you. Like I mentioned above, he needs to be an open book with you so you can know everything, always. 

I know how hard it is to go with what advice you've been given because like you, I felt I knew my ex better than anyone on this site, or my therapist, or even my family. Yet in the end, I wish I would have taken everyone's advice, or at least the ones who apperaed to know what they were talking about and did those things. I ended up spending all winter alone, never leaving the house, and lived in turmoil "feeling" evrything so severely that it left deep deep scars that I am still healing from over a year later after the event.

My advice to you is to hold your knowledge to yourself and don't let him know that you have shown him your entire hand yet.

Cut off all communication with him for now to give yourself time to process and evaluate what you want to do moving forward. Trust me you will flip back and forth to wanting to work it out to wanting to end it. Heck people here can attest to trying to wok on it who went through infidelity and still flip back and forth to this day. But you definitly will need a time out from him to gather your thoughts and decide where you want to go from here.

Talk to an attorney and get an idea of what your rights are and get some insight from them as to what to expect. I don't know anything about the judicial system in the UK, maybe some people here can offer advice and what to expect. Just remember you don't have to actually do anything legal as of yet, but it is good to get advice.

You made the right decision to not discuss this with many people. One thing I would not do is drag either sides family into it. I know I did with both my ex's father, since I wanted to tell him I felt honored to be a part of his family for the last 20 years and I gave my own family all the details of everything, but all ti does is make a reconciliation that much harder. Just imagine if you did try to work things out but now both sides of the family is involved in knowing whats going on. It was one more straw that broke the camels back if you will in my thinking how in the world would either family ever not be judgemental or make thing s"feel" uncomfortable if we were back together. So find a person whose maybe close to you but can keep their mouths shut and give you an outlet to talk to and cry with. 

Good luck Katie, I know this is hard and hurts like heck but always always remember there are better days ahead. You have to believe that as you go through this.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

Of all the posts I've read on the subject, New Beginnings has outlined it really well.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Thank you New Begginnings makes so much sence when you see i t in black and white ! 

at the bottom of a emotional roller coaster ! have some choice to make


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Katie do you think he has told you everything ? 
do you want to work at making things ok or not ? 
you have the right to take as much time thinking about what you want !! dont rush into making a bad choice .


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

No i dont think he has told me everything ! i think hes covering up and backtracking at every question . but then he could be telling the truth and i just dont trust him ! 

Do i want things to be ok ? dont think they every will be untill i can trust him .just dont know what i want feel differently every day


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Just a little note about my screen name to give someone a good laugh. After I went through what I did, I decided I was going to get a tattoo. I loved the idea of going with something that meant something to me and my starting over in life (late 30's) so I got a chinese symbol that meant New Beginnings. 

Let's hope I don't have too many life changing things hapen to me or I will run out of skin one day.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

your allowed to feel that way , his he still seeing her ?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

New Beginnings said:


> Just a little note about my screen name to give someone a good laugh. After I went through what I did, I decided I was going to get a tattoo. I loved the idea of going with something that meant something to me and my starting over in life (late 30's) so I got a chinese symbol that meant New Beginnings.
> 
> Let's hope I don't have too many life changing things hapen to me or I will run out of skin one day.


I did the same thing but had my husbands name tattooed onto my wrist ..was really to show him that i did want him in my life still ....mind you he worked dam hard at making things right and still does ..


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

He still sees her because they work together ! I told him by text that he has to make a choice .. me or her and if he cant then ill make it easy for him and leave .
If he cant give me 100% i dont want to be with him


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

One of the worst ways to comunicate is through texting each other ! many things can be taken the wrong way .. Ask him for a face to face meeting be strong and tell him how much your hurting and what you need from him to move fowards .


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

trev said:


> One of the worst ways to comunicate is through texting each other ! many things can be taken the wrong way .. Ask him for a face to face meeting be strong and tell him how much your hurting and what you need from him to move fowards .


i guess its not the best way to talk to him but i cant face seeing him face to face .. it hurts to much .


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

your get more out of him if you can bring yourself to meet him . You shouldnt let his actions stop you from being able to move fowards with him or with out him .


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Not sure about this idea of him still working with the other woman though..... as I mentioned befoer...


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

He owns a company that does work for the goverment so its not about him working somewhere else , and he said that hes not about to make her jobless before christmas !! i think that statement from him is the end to our marriage .

He cant see the hurt hes caused maybe the fact ive told no one helps him to carry on , but then i dont want to be with him if he cant show that he wants to be with me either

Im trying hard not to le my self esteem fall ant more then it has .. right now im angry and hurt , i feel hate towards him and i dont want to feel that way .

Im not going to contact him ! its down to him now ive tried so hard to get him to tell me the truth hes holding back .


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Can he not move her some where else ? so they dont have to work together ? 
it seems that he wants the best of both worlds , Katie do you want your marriage to work ?

marriages can survive affairs but to do that you both need to want it to happen ..


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I f he could give me unconditional love and be 100% wanting to work at our marriage yes i want it to work i love him and i miss him so much .
He hasnt shown me any of the above


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

I agree with humpty. He needs to distance himself from this woman some way or other.

Personally, I think she needs to front up and bit, resign and get herslef another job. Her behaviour was inappropriate with her employer so she deserves this.

OK, wait until after Xmas maybe...

At the end of the day, the choice for your husb is get rid of this woman or lose his wife.

Does he really think you'll forgive him and let him go away on trips with his pa in the future and expect you to believe hes not up to anything?


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> I agree with humpty. He needs to distance himself from this woman some way or other.
> 
> Personally, I think she needs to front up and bit, resign and get herslef another job. Her behaviour was inappropriate with her employer so she deserves this.
> 
> ...





Dont get me wrong i do stil love him , i miss him and i want him ..but i cant share him ...
would i trust him .. i doubt that ill ever be able to trust him 100% again .
think thats down to the whole oh well you caught me attitude !!! im sure he has more i dont know about , the marriage counsellor has made me realise that i cant make him want to be with me if he doesnt want to .. balls in his court so to speak .


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I dont think hes sorry he did it ... hes sorry he got found out !!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm not sure he can really fire her without some sort of ramifications. Espeically since its government work. He could reassign her to another area, but firing her because their affair ended, could that not be construed as some sort of sexual harassment offense


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> I dont think hes sorry he did it ... hes sorry he got found out !!


If thats the case then I wouldnt want him back....


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

The more time i spend away from him the more i realise how much i can do with out him .
That might sound strange but i guess he has controlled most of our marrid life with out me realising it .
i do love him i do have feelings for him if we were to ge tback together ( and thats a big doubt at the moment ) then loads would have to change !! right now im not looking fowards to christmas but i do know i can be happy with out him


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hang in there Katie Jane!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

thank you i really do feel like giving up though


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

KJ, I think you have gotten side-tracked but maybe are getting back on the right path. The whole issue about hiding what you know is not important. You know he cheated and you know he lied. You cannot trust him. You are hanging on to try to get him to say something honest, as though that will undo all the lies, etc., already spoken. You are holding out hope that you will be able to trust him if he just comes clean--why? He has lied. Coming clean later does not undo that. Focus on the realities of here and now and decide if you want to forgive and move forward (which is a tough row to hoe, but can be done. Forgive does not mean, trust, however!) You will both have to accept that you will not trust him, maybe never again, but in a good marriage, there should be no secrets anyway. If he cannot accept that, then he cannot be the man in your life, or so it sounds from what you say. Best of luck.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

I agree that ive got side track , i guess id really like to know why he still continues to lie ! our marriage is falling apart and he still cant look at me and tell me that hes slepted with her .
Not that it will make me want him back i guess im just mixed up and unsure of whats ahead .. i do know i cant hurt any more hes taken every little bit of self esteem away and left me in limbo ! 

I dont hate him i do have feelings for him i just cant be with him anymore .. trust is so much in a marriage and mine seems to have been built on lies


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He is not realizing that his waffling behavior is sealing his fate with you.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

the onl time he seems to lisern is when i said we are going to have to tell our friends and family about us not being together , people are going to expect us to spend christmas with them together , Im happy with him saying we just have a few problems im not about to cause any one any more hurt !.

I have told him im going to look for a place of my own in Jan , he asked me to meet him to talk .. i said i can do that but i dont want to waste my time getting there for him just to say hes sorry ! I do know she doesnt want to walk out on her marriage she has little children to .. but i dont want him just because he has nowhere to go .. god i sound so bitter


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Not bitter Katie you have just so much to deal with . you need to have one focus at a time . Have you been back to see you counsellor? You need to deside if you want to work ot saving your marriage , he could be holding back because he can see no hope ! 

Im all for second chances and forgiveness most things can be mended it just takes willing parties of both sides ,

If you really have come to the end of your marriage and you cant see a way fowards then i wish you well on the steps towards your future xx


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> the onl time he seems to lisern is when i said we are going to have to tell our friends and family about us not being together , people are going to expect us to spend christmas with them together , Im happy with him saying we just have a few problems im not about to cause any one any more hurt !.
> 
> I have told him im going to look for a place of my own in Jan , he asked me to meet him to talk .. i said i can do that but i dont want to waste my time getting there for him just to say hes sorry ! I do know she doesnt want to walk out on her marriage she has little children to .. but i dont want him just because he has nowhere to go .. god i sound so bitter


I'm sorry to say this KJ but he doesnt sound like hes made a big mistake and will do anything to get you back.

Like you said, hes sorry he got caught but is not exactly being unrepentant. I dont see how you could trust him if you did get back together?

He doesnt seem that bothered either. More interested in what other people will think of him. You're way too good for him.....

Carry on with the hunting for own place and see if that changes anything. Could be hes controlled you so much he doesnt believe you'll go through with it...


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Have already started to look for a place  
And i feel positive ive told my family about us not being together , i feel he should tell his family . 
Looking fowards of course i love him and i miss him i just know he cant give me what i need . 
So after meeting with him today i found out a few things hes been sleeping with her for 9 months , he found the temptation to hard to stop , he didnt want to tell me to cause me futher hurt ! 
He asked if we could try to work things out for Euan his son , im not about to break a little boys heart i love him dearly but i cant stay with his dad its all a little bit to much to late .

cause im messed up and i know ill change my mind 100 times but for now i need to keep myself from getting hurt again building walls!!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Seems that my hubbie has woken up and smelt the coffee !!! He came round earlier and said that he was sorry that he hadnt been honest !!! 
He then said i could ask him anything and he would be 100% honest with his answers !! 
I asked him if he had seen her to be intimatr with since i found out .. he said yes .... 

Am so angry and hurt but it also makes me stronger as a person ive desided i dont want to be married to him , i have feelings for him but hes destroyed any love i had for him .. hes making it easy for me to hate him . 

I asked him for a divorce he cried ??? what is that all about


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Katie what you mean? He came over to come clean. Which means he wants to work on repairing the marriage. He was honest with you about what he did and then you said you want a divorce. So his heart is breaking now. What is stupid of him is why would he have sex with her AFTER he came clean and wanted you back? To me that is just a stupid thing to do..


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

He came over because i told him he had to tell his parents !! they are expecting us to visit together over christmas , im not going to lie for him .
I cant work out what he wants anymore i thought i knew him , he said he wants us to be together yet he has seen her after i found out about his affair ,
I dont want him to hurt i have feelings for him ... what i cant afford is to allow him to continue to hurt and destroy me .
was a time where i would have done anything for him .. He needs more then i can give him otherwise why would he do what he has done ?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> otherwise why would he do what he has done ?


'Cause he's an idiot?
'Cause he's human?
'Cause he's a coward?
All of the above?

You decide how to think about it--and put yourself at the center. What will give you peace is the way to go. Balance your need for joy in your life with the need to feel good about what you do and how you do it. That will help you find true happiness--which isn't about "me, me, me" but is about "me and the world I live in and the people I care about." Most of us won't feel good about ourselves if we willfully and knowingly mistreat the ones we love-acting out of anger. so take the time you need to find your path. God bless.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hi KJ,

My belief is that in a relationship, TRUE and complete openess is required yet rarely exists. To me it's the things which are not said that spell trouble. It's seems to me that there were some things unsaid here (in your marraige).
Leave him behind and all the bad thoughts that come with him.

Normally I would always vote to try to make it work no matter what, but it seems clear that even after many opportunities... he is not ready go there. Nobody is perfect. It takes two. I'm sorry for adding some "advice" and not only support.

Remember who you are. 
Don't let this situation define you. 
Get your place. Make your new life as you would have it.
Smile. 

Wishing You a Speedy Recovery
all the best... cheers!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Its been a struggle to smile lately and im so thankful to everyone who has given me the support and guidance . 
Im not sure what the future holds but i know im in control off it .. 
Im sad at the end of my marriage i really do want him to be happy , i find it hard to want anything more then that for him .
Looking fowards to new beginings . KJ


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

You ARE sweet! 

The statement that you don't know what the future holds is great.... It's WIDE open and KJ is driving!!! You get to decide


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> Seems that my hubbie has woken up and smelt the coffee !!! He came round earlier and said that he was sorry that he hadnt been honest !!!
> He then said i could ask him anything and he would be 100% honest with his answers !!
> I asked him if he had seen her to be intimatr with since i found out .. he said yes ....
> 
> ...



No way !!! Cant believe hes still carrying on...

Good for you. Hes just not worth it. Hes not sorry at all if he didnt even put an end to it.

I'm sorry but i'd be straight down to tell this other womans family too after this. Even after they got found out they're still at it. Thats just awful !!!!


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Im just so tired with the whole thing , cant remember when i last slepted and ate properly , To tell her family would just cause them distress before christmas .. His mum phoned to ask me what time we were going round for christmas dinner so i told her that we were having issues and she needs to talk to her son . 

Heres to better times


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Katie, ur doing all the right things. You will smile again and there are better days ahead. Spend xmas with ur family if possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

This has been the hardest few days in my life christmas seems to have happened !! Ive had no contact with him , feels wrong yet strangley ok !


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Hang in there Katie  hope you are ok xx he doesnt deserve you x


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

hope it gets better soon katey...


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

me to , because this really tears you up ! drags you emotionally kicking and screaming and then leaves you trying to guess where the hell you went wrong ! 
I feel like im fighting the world


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Katie you have to remember that what your going through is not all your fault .. He choose the paths he took , try to keep on talking and communicating with each other


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