# VAR Question



## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

I am trying to find a VAR that is cheap ($60 or less) that is voice activated and I can split into a purse and it will detect voices 6-8' away. Any suggestions?

Thanks

BP


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

blazer prophet said:


> I am trying to find a VAR that is cheap ($60 or less) that is voice activated and I can split into a purse and it will detect voices 6-8' away. Any suggestions?
> 
> Thanks
> 
> BP


I don't know what you mean by "split" into a purse.

A voice activated recorder can definitely record voices 6 - 8 feet away, but the clarity depends on the loudness of the voices and ambient noise.

If you want to hide the recorder on somebody else's bag, get one that looks like a pen - they also function as a pen - and use that. 

Here is my standard advice for VARs:

The best bang for your buck is the Sony ICD-PX470 - around $50 on Amazon.

Read the manual, you can suppress all beeps easily.

Also get an SD card so you have a ton of recording time: The SanDisk Ultra 32GB microSDHC UHS-I card with Adapter - 98MB/s U1 A1 - SDSQUAR-032G-GN6MA is 32GB and runs $8 on Amazon.


You can buy 100 Amazon-branded AAA batteries for less than $20 last I checked. More than enough juice to keep you going for a long time.

***

Finally, sometimes it is best to just record continuously instead of going into voice-activated mode. VAR mode can sometimes not activate in time or leave out things you want to hear.

So if it is just for a few hours, just let it record.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Be careful about laws in your area.

Also be aware of the other person's possible reaction. If I discovered my wive had hidden a VAR to listen to me, I would divorce. To me trust is essential in a marriage. If that is already gone, then end the marriage. That is just me though.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

faithfulman said:


> I don't know what you mean by "split" into a purse.


I meant to say "place" in a purse. Yes, my speling really is that baad.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Be careful about laws in your area.
> 
> Also be aware of the other person's possible reaction. If I discovered my wive had hidden a VAR to listen to me, I would divorce. To me trust is essential in a marriage. If that is already gone, then end the marriage. That is just me though.


My wife has a fatal weakness. She's a good woman, but due to her upbringing and a very abusive first husband she craves compliments from fellow writers. She is so weak to it, it blinds her and strips of her good common sense. As she is the VP of a large writing organization, she has to recruit keynote speakers and workshop presenters. A lot are men and sometimes they chase her pretty hard. One I had to call and threaten so he'd leave her alone and a few other tried hard to get some alone time with her. One guy even connived her to come to his house for a day, allegedly to help with a website. I had to put a stop to that as well. She also does not believe EA's exist and is just wide open to be taken advantage of. Well, she has a week long conference coming up and she has to talk to several men to recruit for conferences. As my wife is small, cute, in good shape and very friendly, it leads to guys chasing her. I want a VAR for her purse so I can monitor some of the *******s chasing her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Except what woman would not notice a strange device in her purse?


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Except what woman would not notice a strange device in her purse?


She has a few pens and thumb drives at all times. I doubt she'd notice another one. Believe me, I don't want to do it, but she is addicted to compliments. Several men have gone well past limits in trying to get more "friendly" with her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

blazer prophet said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Except what woman would not notice a strange device in her purse?
> ...


I get your concern but it could definitely backfire.

Let’s say she found it and realized you are spying on her. What would you say or do if she confronted you about it?


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> I get your concern but it could definitely backfire.
> 
> Let’s say she found it and realized you are spying on her. What would you say or do if she confronted you about it?


A very valid point. We have reached the place where she realizes her weaknesses, but still refuses to believe men want to start an affair her. To do so would remove her from a lot of their attentions. She also tells me know when she will have to be approaching men and having private conversations with them. SO if nothing else, I would justify myself by telling her I am doing this to protect her. I don't know if she will accept it. She got pissed when I drove that one idiot away, but I was alerted by her friends who said he was nearly crawling all over her and she was refusing to believe he was after her. We had another case similar recently I found out by accident. A "name" author, married, was trying repeatedly to have private get togethers with her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

blazer prophet said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > I get your concern but it could definitely backfire.
> ...


That’s a bummer because flattery is such a pile of crap but if you have low self esteem it can make you have false feelings of self worth and then you (as is humanly normal) feel closer to the flatterer (is that a word?)

I hate to say this because it’s against my basic principles, but I think you would have a better chance at getting her to understand how much of a slippery slope this is if you just go out and start allowing attention from women in a way that is similar. Sometime you can’t get someone to see how something feels unless they feel it themselves.

Example: my exh had a wandering eye when we were first together. This would not have bugged me so much if it weren’t for the fact that if I took a double take of anyone, he would get totally weird about it.

But since I’m more concerned with not being a ass than I am with checking out a hottie, I was able to quickly change my habits so that I was not doing a double take in front of him. Yet he still did it in front of me.

After discussing a few times how I felt that checking out other hotties was normal, but that it seemed to me I was making sure not to offend him while he seemed to be oblivious to my feelings, he still wasn’t getting it.

So what I did was to just switch away from protecting him and have an energy of a single person while we were out. I would put out my sexy vibe, and if dudes came around to speak to me or flirt with me I was just easy going about it like oh yeah this happens every day (which it does but usually I would deflect it).

Once I did this and showed him how it would feel if I did not go out of my way to be polite and to protect his feelings, he got it immediately and stopped with the wandering eye and apologized profusely. He finally understood that he had a double standard. He thought that looking was ok but he did not take the further step to protect my feelings. He admitted that he thought I was being stupid about it, until he saw me do something similar and couldn’t stand it.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Has your wife read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass?

If not, you both should read it. It's based on actual research with couples that experienced infidelity (and how it happened).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What is your goal?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Just a few observations:

- There are lots of cute, small, attractive, friendly married women in the world who don't get hit on as aggressively as you say your W does. This is because they have boundaries that are telegraphed to men that signal they are off limits. Sure, some men will violate those boundaries, but most will know not to go there. It sounds to me like your W is actively encouraging this attention.

- As a woman, I think I would notice a rogue thumb drive less than a rogue pen in my purse.

- If you successfully record your W's conversations during her conference, be prepared to learn that she is going further with these interactions - perhaps into affair territory - than you have imagined. She really doesn't sound like a safe partner wrt faithfulness.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You should check your phone bill. Easy good first check


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> Just a few observations:
> 
> - There are lots of cute, small, attractive, friendly married women in the world who don't get hit on as aggressively as you say your W does. *This is because they have boundaries that are telegraphed to men that signal they are off limits.* Sure, some men will violate those boundaries, but most will know not to go there.* It sounds to me like your W is actively encouraging this attention.*
> .


This!

As soon as a man starts to hit on me, I put a stop to it. Because I am *married!* Does it affect my income? Yep, probably. That is irrelevant though. Neither my affection nor boundaries are for sale. No married persons should be. 

So, is it ok with you that your wife’s are? I doubt she is a VP and yet is too dim witted or “blind” to know men are trying to get in her panties. It’s all OK because she “craves” the attention? 

It doesn’t sound like it is ok with you...it needs to stop.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> My wife has a fatal weakness. She's a good woman, but due to her upbringing and a very abusive first husband she craves compliments from fellow writers. She is so weak to it, it blinds her and strips of her good common sense. As she is the VP of a large writing organization, she has to recruit keynote speakers and workshop presenters. A lot are men and sometimes they chase her pretty hard. One I had to call and threaten so he'd leave her alone and a few other tried hard to get some alone time with her. One guy even connived her to come to his house for a day, allegedly to help with a website. I had to put a stop to that as well. She also does not believe EA's exist and is just wide open to be taken advantage of. Well, she has a week long conference coming up and she has to talk to several men to recruit for conferences. As my wife is small, cute, in good shape and very friendly, it leads to guys chasing her. I want a VAR for her purse so I can monitor some of the *******s chasing her.


Are you sure your wife ain't just playing stupid? Women with any lick of common sense can tell when a man is trying to get her in bed. Sides that, if she's away at a conference, by the time you know what going on, the guys done talked his way into her britches. You show nuff making your wife sound both dumb as a sack of rocks and easy pickins for a smooth talking hound.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Does she believe she has this weakness? Is she unable to control herself, or is she just behaving in a way that you do not like (with valid reason).

If she is doing she wants to do, but you don't like it, how does this stop things? Are you going to continue to try to monitor all of her interactions with men? I don't see a stable end state here 

OTOH if she agrees that she really cannot control her own actions then she needs therapy. 

Mentally healthy people may enjoy complements, but they are able to still act in the way that they want. 






blazer prophet said:


> My wife has a fatal weakness. She's a good woman, but due to her upbringing and a very abusive first husband she craves compliments from fellow writers. She is so weak to it, it blinds her and strips of her good common sense. As she is the VP of a large writing organization, she has to recruit keynote speakers and workshop presenters. A lot are men and sometimes they chase her pretty hard. One I had to call and threaten so he'd leave her alone and a few other tried hard to get some alone time with her. One guy even connived her to come to his house for a day, allegedly to help with a website. I had to put a stop to that as well. She also does not believe EA's exist and is just wide open to be taken advantage of. Well, she has a week long conference coming up and she has to talk to several men to recruit for conferences. As my wife is small, cute, in good shape and very friendly, it leads to guys chasing her. I want a VAR for her purse so I can monitor some of the *******s chasing her.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> What is your goal?


That's a good question. My goal is to protect her from herself. There is currently an epidemic of writer mentors, or writing coaches (men) preying on women. This year alone 8-10 have been banned from her writing organization for unwanted sexual advances. She's mid 50's, cute, fit and is eager to hear from more published authors how good her writing is.....


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

alte Dame said:


> Just a few observations:
> 
> - There are lots of cute, small, attractive, friendly married women in the world who don't get hit on as aggressively as you say your W does. This is because they have boundaries that are telegraphed to men that signal they are off limits. Sure, some men will violate those boundaries, but most will know not to go there. It sounds to me like your W is actively encouraging this attention.
> 
> ...


I have to say I am making progress. This year she has let me know she is having to approach and have discussions with some men to recruit them. Also, she has recently shared with me men emailing her wanting to be her mentor or life coach for writing. I have made it clear, it isn't happening. There are a lot of very good women that do these same things. Of course, they aren't chasing her.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Does she believe she has this weakness? Is she unable to control herself, or is she just behaving in a way that you do not like (with valid reason).
> 
> If she is doing she wants to do, but you don't like it, how does this stop things? Are you going to continue to try to monitor all of her interactions with men? I don't see a stable end state here
> 
> ...


Let me give you a true example. Her favorite (and very successful) writer is early 60's, married and lives about 75 miles from us. She emailed him to be a keynote speaker last year. They exchanged FB pages (common in the industry) and he refused to consider the job unless they met privately without spouses "a few times". WTF? It can all be handled via email. And he knows that. So she emails him back and stated he was her favorite author and was he at least interested in the assignment? His second email was full of flattery (Oh, [wife's name], you're such a sweet, beautiful verb..."). I only found out by accident as I was (with her permission) looking for an email in her account with a pic of my granddaughter. When I read the short string, I went right to her and she got all red. She was adamant he was just being nice and it was an honor for an author like him to want to take her to a business lunch or dinner...... I told her to conduct it via email and if she felt compelled to get together, only in a group setting, ie, with spouses. Then he started bugging her about being her life coach.... It's just her business right now.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did she explain why she didn't shut that down?

Is it possible that sleeping with writers is *expected* in her business. There are cases where that is common - however bad and illegal it is. 




blazer prophet said:


> Let me give you a true example. Her favorite (and very successful) writer is early 60's, married and lives about 75 miles from us. She emailed him to be a keynote speaker last year. They exchanged FB pages (common in the industry) and he refused to consider the job unless they met privately without spouses "a few times". WTF? It can all be handled via email. And he knows that. So she emails him back and stated he was her favorite author and was he at least interested in the assignment? His second email was full of flattery (Oh, [wife's name], you're such a sweet, beautiful verb..."). I only found out by accident as I was (with her permission) looking for an email in her account with a pic of my granddaughter. When I read the short string, I went right to her and she got all red. She was adamant he was just being nice and it was an honor for an author like him to want to take her to a business lunch or dinner...... I told her to conduct it via email and if she felt compelled to get together, only in a group setting, ie, with spouses. Then he started bugging her about being her life coach.... It's just her business right now.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

blazer prophet said:


> That's a good question. My goal is to protect her from herself. There is currently an epidemic of writer mentors, or writing coaches (men) preying on women. This year alone 8-10 have been banned from her writing organization for unwanted sexual advances. She's mid 50's, cute, fit and is eager to hear from more published authors how good her writing is.....


Do you have a plan for protecting her from men in general? I'm not understanding the focus just on writers. Scumbags are in all professions. She could meet a man in church and he might try to hook up with her. It could even be the priest who tries to put the moves on her. It sounds like there's a fundamental disconnect here that makes her vulnerable at all times rather than just at a writer's conference.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> Let me give you a true example. Her favorite (and very successful) writer is early 60's, married and lives about 75 miles from us. She emailed him to be a keynote speaker last year. They exchanged FB pages (common in the industry) and he refused to consider the job unless they met privately without spouses "a few times". WTF? It can all be handled via email. And he knows that. So she emails him back and stated he was her favorite author and was he at least interested in the assignment? His second email was full of flattery (Oh, [wife's name], you're such a sweet, beautiful verb..."). I only found out by accident as I was (with her permission) looking for an email in her account with a pic of my granddaughter. When I read the short string, *I went right to her and she got all red.* She was adamant he was just being nice and it was an honor for an author like him to want to take her to a business lunch or dinner...... I told her to conduct it via email and if she felt compelled to get together, only in a group setting, ie, with spouses. Then he started bugging her about being her life coach... It's just her business right now.


 She knows exactly what she's doing and exactly what the score is. Why would she get red when you confronted her if she thought it was all innocent. She's playing you by portraying the naive waif. She's getting what she wants and you can do everything in your power to "protect her from male writers" but if she isn't willing to enforce boundaries with these sleazes then she will end up with one if she already hasn't. You better open your eyes to what's really going on or you're going to end up in a one-sided open relationship. Don't be a sucker/chump.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Bp sounds like you better be investigating in more depth of what she is doing . if you can get into her facebook account , read her messages . look on her phone to for texts from guys . look for texting apps . it sounds like she gaslighting you into believing she is not doing anything wronge . if you are always having to chase guys off then she is doing something to bring all this on . 

Her going on this trip by herself isn't good at all . she can do what she wants and you won't know anything about it . don't believe that she is as innocent as she wants you to think she is . 

What kind of things does she write about . 

If you can i would go with her or have her followed by a PI . you may find out alot .


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So... wife knows husband has these issues. Maybe the wife would be OK with him being a virtual attendee? Instead of hiding the VAR, have her know it's there. She doesn't have to know where.

This assumes the trust issues are already fully out in the open. If not, this will certainly do so!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sounds like your wife has a clear lack of boundaries, and yes she would know what she is doing. However your problem is you cannot continue to play Prison Warden indefeniately. At some point you are going to have to put your foot down hard and say this is the line. Cross it one more time and we are done. Then be prepared to follow through on any consequences you threaten. 

Failure to follow through on consequences will result in you losing all credability and her knowing you are full of hot air.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

blazer prophet said:


> That's a good question. My goal is to protect her from herself. There is currently an epidemic of writer mentors, or writing coaches (men) preying on women. This year alone 8-10 have been banned from her writing organization for unwanted sexual advances. She's mid 50's, cute, fit and is eager to hear from more published authors how good her writing is.....


A couple of pieces of advice from someone married for 47+ years.

(1) You are her husband, not her parent and she (in her mid-50's) is an adult. It is not your role to act as a father to a teenager who needs to learn more about the world.......unless your adult wife asks for your mentoring.

(2) You can't change your wife and her behavior, only she can do that. You can establish your boundaries and what treatment you will tolerate, but she gets to choose how she behaves. That doesn't mean there are no consequences. But your approach (spying) and stated "goal" (protecting her from herself) don't seem to match.

Good luck. I would suggest spending the VAR money on a first marriage counseling session.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Did she explain why she didn't shut that down?
> 
> Is it possible that sleeping with writers is *expected* in her business. There are cases where that is common - however bad and illegal it is.


Simply because she craves those writer compliments. My wife writes poetry, educational curriculum and ghost writes. As a result, she has not published a true novel. As a result, she feels like a second tier writer. Hence, her need to be taken seriously.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

wilson said:


> Do you have a plan for protecting her from men in general? I'm not understanding the focus just on writers. Scumbags are in all professions. She could meet a man in church and he might try to hook up with her. It could even be the priest who tries to put the moves on her. It sounds like there's a fundamental disconnect here that makes her vulnerable at all times rather than just at a writer's conference.


No, it's really just a writer issue. She has a few male friends who have helped her thru the years. And I fully trust her with them. They're good men and have proven to be just friends.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you get hit on by women? Again, not really a good plan but why not turn up your sexy for a bit and let mysterious women notice you in some way that your wife notices.

If you have already talked to her about this and she is poo poo-ing your thoughts about these men's intentions, then I'm not sure a VAR is the best next step. I would try a little how does this feel to you game first.

I think that if you do not hear anything off base on the VAR after she gets back, you're going to feel and look like an ass for listening in on everything she said for an entire weekend for no reason. I mean that would really creepy me out, so if my husband did that and I really did not do or say anything off base I would feel kind of violated. I mean, you are going to hear her taking a crap at some point because we have to take our purses into the stall in public restrooms. Ugh.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Rubix Cubed said:


> She knows exactly what she's doing and exactly what the score is. Why would she get red when you confronted her if she thought it was all innocent. She's playing you by portraying the naive waif. She's getting what she wants and you can do everything in your power to "protect her from male writers" but if she isn't willing to enforce boundaries with these sleazes then she will end up with one if she already hasn't. You better open your eyes to what's really going on or you're going to end up in a one-sided open relationship. Don't be a sucker/chump.


Quoted for truth. Stop being the gullible idiot, and call her on this crud. Have some self-respect. Stop playing these "shadow games" and put boundaries in place. She can either live within them, or get the hell out.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Mods - if this is inappropriate, please delete it.

A company called SpyTec offers a multitude of hidden voice recorders in a variety of normal objects. Pens, flash drives, ect.

Prices go up as function increased (battery life, size of memory, sensitivity).

If it were only a couple of days, you could get one in the shape of a pen for around $100. With about 8 hrs of memory and voice activated.

Top of the line is one for $150 in the shape of a flash drive that claims to have sensitivity to record voices across a large room and has a battery life of 14 days.

I have no idea how any of these would work if placed in a purse.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

BioFury said:


> Quoted for truth. Stop being the gullible idiot, and call her on this crud. Have some self-respect. Stop playing these "shadow games" and put boundaries in place. She can either live within them, or get the hell out.


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh trust me, we have had a few point blank conversations. She just disagrees with me on a few things. Hence, I'm keeping an eye on these idiots preying on women.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> Mods - if this is inappropriate, please delete it.
> 
> A company called SpyTec offers a multitude of hidden voice recorders in a variety of normal objects. Pens, flash drives, ect.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will also look at this company.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

blazer prophet said:


> Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh trust me, we have had a few point blank conversations. She just disagrees with me on a few things. Hence, I'm keeping an eye on these idiots preying on women.


Your wife is encouraging their behavior. She's complicit, not prey.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

BioFury said:


> Your wife is encouraging their behavior. She's complicit, not prey.


If a woman is secure in her marriage and has good, solid character - she will not encourage such behavior nor will she be willing to meet with men alone no matter what they offer her.

So yeah, whether she agrees with you or not she knows this wrong, she knows you are not comfortable with what she is doing but she does it anyway.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

BioFury said:


> Your wife is encouraging their behavior. She's complicit, not prey.


That's actually a very astute point. I think she does. She just refuses to think so.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> If a woman is secure in her marriage and has good, solid character - she will not encourage such behavior nor will she be willing to meet with men alone no matter what they offer her.
> 
> So yeah, whether she agrees with you or not she knows this wrong, she knows you are not comfortable with what she is doing but she does it anyway.


It's her Achilles heel. She would never knowingly betray me. I just think the right guy could lead her down that path a ways. So I will monitor and step in if necessary. At least we have had strong discussions and she now tells me that she will have to be meeting with some of these guys. That's better than it has been. We're making progress. But as someone who has been brutally betrayed in the past, I am also super sensitive to it. Maybe too much so.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Dude....If you have to consider this nonsense you are involved in what I would say is "She has issues and I don't want to play this game so someone has to go!" It's just too much drama........Thank you.....Please pay on your way out........


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

blazer prophet said:


> That's actually a very astute point. I think she does. *She just refuses to think so.*


Yeah, if she admits that it is indeed what she's doing (encouraging men to seduce her), you'd have her pinned, and she'd have to stop.

She doesn't want to stop. She likes the feeling that other men trying to seduce her creates, and she's trying to get a book published (ever heard of the casting couch?).

Stop playing her game. Tell her this nonsense can either come to an abrupt end, or she can find her things on the front porch.

Provided you're prepared to enforce said boundary. Don't threaten anything you're not willing to follow through with.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This story is not going to end well.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your wife has a wayward mindset. You can't fix that only she can. You can put in all the work you want but you'll never be able to make her do a thing.

At some point she will come across her soulmate. Then BOOM !!!

How long do you really think you can cockblock the whole universe?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

blazer prophet said:


> That's actually a very astute point. I think she does. She just refuses to think so.


You need to have her read "Not just friends"
Also, instead of a VAR for a week, perhaps you can get a PI to watch her while there.
You may learn a LOT more than you think (or want to).

You CANNOT protect her from these guys, especially because SHE is encouraging it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What is the plan if you catch her having an in appropriate conversation?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't protect her from who she is.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> Your wife has a wayward mindset. You can't fix that only she can. You can put in all the work you want but you'll never be able to make her do a thing.
> 
> At some point she will come across her soulmate. Then BOOM !!!
> 
> How long do you really think you can cockblock the whole universe?


I don't think she does.

What she has is an unhealthy need for positive feedback and compliments about her writing. She just has to have them. She isn't a betrayer. She was married to an abuser who got testicular cancer and sex was withheld from her for 7 years I her early 30's. She never betrayed him once. And she had lots of good opportunities. 

She just needs to learn margins and boundaries with respect to this one issue and about allowing men to chase her a bit while just trying to get her ego fed for her writing. And since she is not wanting to face reality about this specific area, I'm going to step in.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You cannot protect someone who does not see the danger they are in or just pain does not want your protection.

If she wants outside attention and praise and encouragement that much, she may be willing to give a lot more than you think to get it and keep it coming.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

blazer prophet said:


> It's her Achilles heel. She would never knowingly betray me.
> She is ALREADY betraying you with her activities. Normal wives do NOT force their husbands to take such drastic actions to try to "protect" them from these types of men. SHE should be doing that of her own accord -- women know how to shut guys down -- she is encouraging this because she "needs" this. How is that NOT betraying you and your marriage?
> 
> I just think the right guy could lead her down that path a ways. So I will monitor and step in if necessary.
> ...


Nope, not too much so. She shouldn't be doing this PERIOD.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> I don't think she does.
> 
> What she has is an unhealthy need for positive feedback and compliments about her writing. She just has to have them.



I have a need to pursue my hobby of fishing to but I ain't trying to bed the chicks that run the bait and tackle shops. I think when you said "it blinds her and strips of her good common sense", you were projecting and talking about the wrong spouse. I know better than to try and talk you into feeling different about your wife's need to sashay around other men to prove she's got it. But if you think at her age she going to " learn margins and boundaries" I've got news for you. She ain't. Anyway you cut it, she knows sending these guys messages she may be willing to push the envelope is wrong, she know it bothers you and she's still willing to stay on this road despite how it affects you. I'd have to ask myself what she'd be willing to do if some debonair and powerful old bastard told her he could get her a book deal.
My question is what do you hope to accomplish if you catch a little propositioning talk on tape?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

blazer prophet said:


> It's her Achilles heel. *She would never knowingly betray me. I just think the right guy could lead her down that path a ways. *So I will monitor and step in if necessary. At least we have had strong discussions and she now tells me that she will have to be meeting with some of these guys. That's better than it has been. We're making progress. But as someone who has been brutally betrayed in the past, I am also super sensitive to it. Maybe too much so.


If she does let the right guy lead her down the path even a little then she has already betrayed you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

blazer prophet said:


> My wife has a fatal weakness. She's a good woman, but due to her upbringing and a very abusive first husband she craves compliments from fellow writers. She is so weak to it, it blinds her and strips of her good common sense. As she is the VP of a large writing organization, she has to recruit keynote speakers and workshop presenters. A lot are men and sometimes they chase her pretty hard. One I had to call and threaten so he'd leave her alone and a few other tried hard to get some alone time with her. One guy even connived her to come to his house for a day, allegedly to help with a website. I had to put a stop to that as well. She also does not believe EA's exist and is just wide open to be taken advantage of. Well, she has a week long conference coming up and she has to talk to several men to recruit for conferences. As my wife is small, cute, in good shape and very friendly, it leads to guys chasing her. I want a VAR for her purse so I can monitor some of the *******s chasing her.


Your problem is with your wife, not the guys chasing her... 

And frankly, I guess with yourself for staying with her???


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

blazer....I'm happy to stay out of it, but is there a reason why you have ignored my couple of posts to you on your thread? I'm just curious what your thoughts were on what I said.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear blazer prophet;

Have you really talked to her to the point that you "understand her and her motivations?" In a Gottman weekend retreat with my wife, I learned that if I want to try to negotiate change in how my wife treats me, I should have listened to her so closely that I can explain her point of view better than she can. 

What that means is that I need to have discussed the issue with her in great depth and truly listened to what she said to the point that I really understand her. The idea is if I understand her and all her objections, then I will be able to know what she objects to and why. It also means I might be able to figure out some things "on the edge" that she might agree to and that I would find satisfying or at least that would not drive me away.

For example, if your wife needs the constant ego-reinforcement of being sexually pursued, maybe you can up your game to the point that she feels your sexual attention and pursuit is sufficient. It could be a simple as weekly formal date nights. 

On the otherhand, your wife may be testing herself. Some people sabotage their marriages on a subconscious basis by placing themself in situations were they are testing their resolve and ethics. I love how so many people say that they were out drinking with a friend, that they started holding hands, then got a hotel room and then one thing lead to another. No way they just accidentally had sex. It was a very deliberate set of boundary crossings that either could have prevented. She may be seeing just how much she wants to be married to you. She may also want to end the marriage, but doesn't have the courage to ask for a divorce, instead she may want to do something to be caught so you will end the marriage.

Even if that last scenario is true, you might be able to change the dynamic between the two of you. Maybe you can test her in a way that she will realize that she does want to be your wife. Maybe the test needs to be let her understand the consequences of being unfaithful to you or how destructive her flirting with others is to the marriage you have.

Again, my recommendation is marriage counseling. The two of you have some real issues to work out, not the least of which is trust.

Good luck.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear blazer prophet;
> 
> Have you really talked to her to the point that you "understand her and her motivations?" In a Gottman weekend retreat with my wife, I learned that if I want to try to negotiate change in how my wife treats me, I should have listened to her so closely that I can explain her point of view better than she can.
> 
> What that means is that I need to have discussed the issue with her in great depth and truly listened to what she said to the point that I really understand her. The idea is if I understand her and all her objections, then I will be able to know what she objects to and why. It also means I might be able to figure out some things "on the edge" that she might agree to and that I would find satisfying or at least that would not drive me away.


What a complete load of horse crap...

How about this, if you want to be married to me, and you don't have the ability to not screw other men, they we need to part ways. 

How about that? 

Do you actually believe what you wrote here? Really?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> I don't think she does.
> 
> What she has is an unhealthy need for positive feedback and compliments about her writing. She just has to have them. She isn't a betrayer. She was married to an abuser who got testicular cancer and sex was withheld from her for 7 years I her early 30's. She never betrayed him once. And she had lots of good opportunities.
> 
> She just needs to learn margins and boundaries with respect to this one issue and about allowing men to chase her a bit while just trying to get her ego fed for her writing. And since she is not wanting to face reality about this specific area, I'm going to step in.


Your wife has her ass in the air. But you can call her an attention seeker if it makes you feel better. 
We’ll see you back here in a year or so looking for advice on separating and doing the 180.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Malaise said:


> If she does let the right guy lead her down the path even a little then she has already betrayed you.


Well, what I mean is sending emails... with more than they should contain. I'll squash it quickly.

This is a tough crowd.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

blazer prophet said:


> Well, what I mean is sending emails... with more than they should contain. I'll squash it quickly.
> 
> This is a tough crowd.


True but your wife is behaving like a dizzy pushover in her work environment.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your wife is an adult married woman who knows this has an affect on her marriage yet does it anyway.

Which means her ego kibbles trump you and the marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

blazer prophet said:


> Well, what I mean is sending emails... with more than they should contain. I'll squash it quickly.
> 
> This is a tough crowd.


its not that we are trying to be tough its that some of us feel that you are giving your wife more credit in being naïve than she deserves….on some level i think you are the one being naïve, being played. playing watch dog can be exhausting, and dull your senses.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> its not that we are trying to be tough its that some of us feel that you are giving your wife more credit in being naïve than she deserves….on some level i think you are the one being naïve, being played. playing watch dog can be exhausting, and dull your senses.


Thank you for saying this so that I did not... 

OP, please read this 1000 times, and then act accordingly. 

Just a tidbit... Some of the most unintelligent women that I have ever know in my life... knew what they were doing with men. It is something that is intuitive with most women. 

She is not some special flower and you would do well to stop thinking that she is...


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> Your wife is an adult married woman who knows this has an affect on her marriage yet does it anyway.
> 
> Which means her ego kibbles trump you and the marriage.


True, but lately she has been more open to coming to me and letting me know she has to recruit a few men for the conferences and that they have to have private meetings so she can ask vetting questions. Before she didn't do that. My point is that she is sensitive to my feelings while I am trying to get her to understand what proper boundaries are. So it's getting better.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Private meeting are you kidding me . she is telling you that so you don't ask to many questions . no meeting has to be private if things are on the up and up . and you could go with her . you should hire a pi to follow her .


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

blazer prophet said:


> True, but lately she has been more open to coming to me and letting me know she has to recruit a few men for the conferences and that they have to have private meetings so she can ask vetting questions. Before she didn't do that. My point is that she is sensitive to my feelings while I am trying to get her to understand what proper boundaries are. So it's getting better.


I agree that the private meetings sends up some red flags. It sounds like she's already getting you to agree to her cover story as to why she needs private time with these guys. Don't be surprised if she needs to meet with them over and over to ask them more and more questions. 

There's no need to meet in person to ask vetting questions. Can you imagine any conference where the organizer wants to meet in person with the presenters before adding them to the conference? How would that work even from a logistics standpoint. What kind of time and cost would that entail? It's the 21st century. Everyone carries a phone. If this was legitimate, she'd call them up to ask them the vetting questions just like every other conference organizer does.

What if we flip the scenario around. Let's say you are involved with something where you need to organize a conference for lingerie models, and you are very attracted to them and enjoy getting complemented by the models. Your wife knows you are very flirty with them and have had some texting that crossed the line. Would it be okay for you to continue in that line of work? If you did, would it be okay for you to continue to put yourself in positions where you were alone with the models? What about when you went out of your way to be alone with them, like saying you needed to privately interview them and have them try on lingerie samples. Is any of that okay? Is it your wife's responsibility to ensure you don't cross the line with them?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Blaze, how many female writers does your wife need to vet privately? Have you asked her?


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> I don't think she does.
> 
> What she has is an unhealthy need for positive feedback and compliments about her writing. She just has to have them.



Don't forget you started a thread in the Coping With Infidelity forum. That's like going to a hospital, laying in a bed, telling everybody you have all of these terrible symptoms, then wondering why everyone thinks you're sick. If you set a scenario that meets a hoard of cheating conditions, it kind of is what it is when everyone tells you there is a problem.




> She isn't a betrayer. She was married to an abuser who got testicular cancer and sex was withheld from her for 7 years I her early 30's. She never betrayed him once. And she had lots of good opportunities.


This is great in theory except that personally I'm a completely different person at 43 years old compared to who I was at 33. I don't even eat the same food I ate back then. I literally can eat collard greens a black-eyed peas now which blows my mind. If she tolerated a period time with no sex in her 30s, that's probably an even better reason why she has turned into an attention ***** now that she is closer to being a senior citizen than middle-aged. 



> She just needs to learn margins and boundaries with respect to this one issue and about allowing men to chase her a bit while just trying to get her ego fed for her writing. And since she is not wanting to face reality about this specific area, I'm going to step in.



I'm getting the vibe that divorce really isn't an option. If you were able to pull off this thing with the VAR and iturns out she had been having sex all week, how would you handle that?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> What a complete load of horse crap.....
> 
> Do you actually believe what you wrote here? Really?


Yes, I do believe it, as I have seen it work in action in rebuilding my marriage.

The Gottmans' and their approach is one of the most highly respected approaches to saving marriages around. What they preach in their seminars is based on years of observations mostly from the Seattle "love lab" where they observe couples interactions. The semi-serious joke around where I live is if you are a marriage counselor in a troubled marriage, you go to the Gottmans to get help.

So, again, yes, to negotiate a change in behavior with your spouse, you do need to fully understand them and their objections to change. If you don't want to negotiate change then you can throw down a gauntlet.

Now, I have two polite questions for you. Do you even know who the Gottmans are? Have you read or participated in any of their workshops?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> Yes, I do believe it, as I have seen it work in action in rebuilding my marriage.
> 
> The Gottmans' and their approach is one of the most highly respected approaches to saving marriages around. What they preach in their seminars is based on years of observations mostly from the Seattle "love lab" where they observe couples interactions. The semi-serious joke around where I live is if you are a marriage counselor in a troubled marriage, you go to the Gottmans to get help.
> 
> ...


Yes to your question... 

And I won't waste time trying to explain why you don't do that... You would not understand anyway...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> She got pissed when I drove that one idiot away, but I was alerted by her friends who said he was nearly crawling all over her and she was refusing to believe he was after her.


Boy, she's REALLY got you snowed. I mean, she's got you so snookered it isn't even funny. 

She's actually got you *believing* that she's this clueless, sweet little ingenue who has *no* clue that all this male attention she continually SOLICITS actually means that they're hitting on her. No sir, she's an innocent babe in the woods who thinks everyone just wants to be friends! Good Lord.

I'm actually laughing at how ridiculous this woman is and I'm kind of in awe that she's managed to get you to believe this steaming pile of BULL**** all these years - to the point where you actually think you have to 'protect' her from these "predators" because she's *so* innocent and these big, bad wolves will eat her alive. OMG. Seriously????

She's a freakin' PHONY is what she is. She knows exactly what she's doing and is enjoying every single minute of it. God only knows what she gets up to when you're not there to 'rescue' her. Pffft.

You seriously need to open your eyes. You married a Class-A *manipulator* whose been jerking your chain for years.

The ONLY one who needs 'protecting' is YOU, Blazer.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> That's a good question. My goal is to protect her from herself. There is currently an epidemic of writer mentors, or writing coaches (men) preying on women. This year alone 8-10 have been banned from her writing organization for unwanted sexual advances. She's mid 50's, cute, fit and is eager to hear from more published authors how good her writing is.....


 LMAO.

There's been an 'epidemic' of men hitting on women since the *dawn of time*.

Nothing's changed - the only 'epidemic' now is that women are telling everyone when it happens to them because of the "metoo" movement. They've always been there - women are just TELLING on them now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> *Your wife has her ass in the air.* But you can call her an attention seeker if it makes you feel better.
> We’ll see you back here in a year or so looking for advice on separating and doing the 180.


Oh gosh, sorry....

This post of Andy's has me thinking of female house cats in heat. Nothing could be more obvious when they do this.

Good analogy, bad for BPOP.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> That's a good question. My goal is to protect her from herself. There is currently an epidemic of writer mentors, or writing coaches (men) preying on women. This year alone 8-10 have been banned from her writing organization for unwanted sexual advances. She's mid 50's, cute, fit and is eager to hear from more published authors how good her writing is.....


Ah, THRD never has/had witnessed this, *in reverse*. Then again, he is/was a politically incorrect scribe and too graphic for prime time readers.
Violence is a tricky subject to broach in general public works. His sword usage is best described as his using braille metallic print.


KB-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LMAO.
> 
> There's been an 'epidemic' of men hitting on women since the *dawn of time*.
> 
> Nothing's changed - the only 'epidemic' now is that women are telling everyone when it happens to them because of the "metoo" movement. They've always been there - women are just TELLING on them now.


I think this is not necessarily a bad thing, men hitting on women. The fact that she is married, 'can' cheapen flirting, for sure. 

I would think that being admired by men, no matter what your age can be 'secretly' comforting.

Being noted always trumps being ignored, being looked past, through, as if you are not present.

There is a difference in being looked at and complimented and being ogled, whistled at; with the men having their tongues hanging out, their hands on their crotch type behavior.

Men get a bit of this behavior from women, too, three, four..... out the door.

...................................................................................................

Blazer Prophet's wife needs to look past this behavior, not encourage it, nor shut it down. Be lady like and professional at all times. At this stage in her career, she needs them more than they need her. 
It is very good that she does not give up her dream. Kudos to her on that. It is tough out there for writers, authors.

King Brian-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The lady 'may' be more clever than we give her credit for.

We assume every lady who is a bit insecure, who is needy for recognition will (more often) open their legs to get what they want, to get what they desire. 

Yes, on TAM we see it often. This blog *brings* in that type. It is not always an accurate mirror to real life in the Western World. At least, percentage wise. When a man comes to TAM, the waywards minds 'mostly' have already gone to seed.

Fidelity doubt leads to despair, to desperation, to opening up, to posting on TAM, and to looking for help, or consolation or commiseration, here.

With the VAR's in place and on future closer inspection, we will hopefully find out what her real intentions and actions are. To what lengths she will go to, to get published. You may have to hire a PI to follow her and monitor her when she goes on her trips. 

At least she knows what is happening. 
Blazer Prophet has pounded that into her.

She knows she is attractive. 
She hopes she has writing talent. Talent good enough to be sold and published.


Fer shour.


KB-


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> You cannot protect someone who does not see the danger they are in or just pain does not want your protection.


The only 'danger' his wife is in is the OP finally seeing what a PHONY she is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would say this is a realistic crowd rather than a tough crowd. 

Maybe she'll eventually figure all of this out and won't need supervision the rest of her life but unless that happens you'll be playing marriage police for the foreseeable future. So VAR up.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned (or if the OP is still reading), but one option is to put a spy app on her phone. They typically have ways you can remotely listen in on the microphone. However, make sure you understand your local laws around doing something like this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> Yes to your question...
> 
> And I won't waste time trying to explain why you don't do that... You would not understand anyway...


All of these marriage programs remind me of Snake Oil sales. 
Be a doormat and Kiss there ass til they come back.
Be a cuckold until they come back
Etc, etc, etc.

Most BS's who live in fear at this time grasp at straws. Being weak may have put them where they are and it sure won't help them in these situations. Not to mention the multitude of false R's that occur regularly.

Probably shocking at the income generated of this crap with a real high failure rate.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

wilson said:


> I'm not sure if it's been mentioned (or if the OP is still reading), but one option is to put a spy app on her phone. They typically have ways you can remotely listen in on the microphone. However, make sure you understand your local laws around doing something like this.


I am late to this discussion - there are recent advancements in technology that allow a person to monitor/record phone calls and messages, access to instant messenger chats and multimedia sent via these chats, GPS location tracking (this includes monitoring of specific locations, current location, location history and geofencing), email and browser monitoring, recording of phone calls and surroundings, remotely controlling the target phone, and a lot more. I have used a product in the past and it was amazing to hear both sides of a recorded phone conversation. I even could take pictures with the target phone's camera without the owner knowing it. It just depends on how much you want to pay.

My W is also a writer and in the past was reluctant to enforce reasonable boundaries with professional colleagues.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> I am late to this discussion - there are recent advancements in technology that allow a person to monitor/record phone calls and messages, access to instant messenger chats and multimedia sent via these chats, GPS location tracking (this includes monitoring of specific locations, current location, location history and geofencing), email and browser monitoring, recording of phone calls and surroundings, remotely controlling the target phone, and a lot more. I have used a product in the past and it was amazing to hear both sides of a recorded phone conversation. I even could take pictures with the target phone's camera without the owner knowing it. It just depends on how much you want to pay.
> 
> My W is also a writer and in the past was reluctant to enforce reasonable boundaries with professional colleagues.


Care to mention the name of the program you used? Sounds interesting.

I use a program called Life360. It tracks the phone location and stores routes and can tell how much time was spent at each stop. The draw back is that you have to load it on both phones (mine and hers) and then send an invite to her phone that she has to accept (I did that when I had access to her phone and did not tell her). But I cannot record or listen to phone calls.

For the record - I don't think my wife is cheating now, but an EA she had years ago has left me forever diligent about her location. I use the program rarely.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

blazer prophet said:


> That's a good question. My goal is to protect her from herself. There is currently an epidemic of writer mentors, or writing coaches (men) preying on women. This year alone 8-10 have been banned from her writing organization for unwanted sexual advances. She's mid 50's, cute, fit and is eager to hear from more published authors how good her writing is.....


Then she needs counseling and you need it too. You cannot save anyone from themselves, the fact you think you can is sad. Yes, this includes protecting them from themselves. My wife stopped leaving her purse in the car......when it was stolen. It didn't matter what I said, did, yelled, gave examples or pleaded (no i didn't) she did what she wanted.

You can be a warden and waste your life or set a boundary she can no longer cross.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Blazer.....still here? Anything new?


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Jus260 said:


> Don't forget you started a thread in the Coping With Infidelity forum. That's like going to a hospital, laying in a bed, telling everybody you have all of these terrible symptoms, then wondering why everyone thinks you're sick.


Yep. Big mistake. Never again.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

blazer prophet said:


> Yep. Big mistake. Never again.


You know what I find very telling? You edited his post to fit your thinking. You know just like you are doing while defending your wife. What's even more telling is you ignored the extremely pertinent question. What would you do if she has been having sex?

No, you don't have to answer, but the evasion and clipping is very interesting.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

No dude you’re making a big mistake so you think your mistake is because you placed this in coping with infidelity. OK you’re blaming everybody but you’re lose wife, if you want to sit there and be that dumb and naïve OK so be it but you’re going to hear the truth sorry. Your wife likes a variety of men. and you know this and you know the truth that everyone’s telling you is true, but it hurts because the truth hurts. Specially for you right now.! And I get it lotta men are emotionally immature enough to handle certain situations like this because it just hurts to the core. 

OP you should really be grateful the people from here are taking time out of their lives to help you.! So instead of being like dismissive and acting like we don’t know what the hell we’re talking about. Do yourself a big favor and utilize the resource you get from coming here, and acknowledge the good people of TAM that are here take time of their lives to help you. Remember you came here looking for advice on getting a VAR so you know that you’re in a very tough situation due to your wife and her lack of boundaries and her infidelity.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You know what I find very telling? You edited his post to fit your thinking. You know just like you are doing while defending your wife. What's even more telling is you ignored the extremely pertinent question. What would you do if she has been having sex?
> 
> No, you don't have to answer, but the evasion and clipping is very interesting.


Here's my mistake.

Most of the posters, albeit our of concern for the most part, took a situation and blew it well out of proportion. So I figured I must have said it all wrong and amended my remarks to better fit the situation. Still it got blown out of proportion. So I dialed it down more. Still got blown out of proportion. 

Lesson learned. If my wife says 'hello' to anyone, she must be ****ing them. This is a tough crowd. But it's nice to have the lay of the land, ya know.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> All of these marriage programs remind me of Snake Oil sales.
> Be a doormat and Kiss there ass til they come back.
> Be a cuckold until they come back
> Etc, etc, etc.
> ...


Well I was not going to go there. But how observant of you to know what I was thinking in the first place. 

The problem with his reply to me about gottman, or what ever "new" method of communication, someone believes or comes up with... Some things require one quick, unambiguous method of ONE WAY communication... 

If you screw around, in any way, with anyone, then you are toast, over, done... There is not negotiation about the subject, there is not ever two way communication about it. 

There is screw up and you are gone. 

So all the pretzels that OP in twisting himself up into, are a was to time and energy...


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

blazer prophet said:


> Here's my mistake.
> 
> 
> Lesson learned. If my wife says 'hello' to anyone, she must be ****ing them. *This is a tough crowd. *But it's nice to have the lay of the land, ya know.


It can be. We can hold your hand and say it's all OK but most of the times I've seen that would be false.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

blazer prophet said:


> Here's my mistake.
> 
> Most of the posters, albeit our of concern for the most part, took a situation and blew it well out of proportion. So I figured I must have said it all wrong and amended my remarks to better fit the situation. Still it got blown out of proportion. So I dialed it down more. Still got blown out of proportion.
> 
> Lesson learned. If my wife says 'hello' to anyone, she must be ****ing them. This is a tough crowd. But it's nice to have the lay of the land, ya know.


Most of the posters here have lived through infidelity of one type or another. It is normal to associate what happened to them to what is happening with you and your wife. It is normal for them to project what happened to them as the next step in what is happening to you. 

They are giving you a step by step play of what happened to them and how it developed. Is this the path you are doomed to travel? Maybe - maybe not.

Ever heard the phrase "Those who ignore the lessons of history are doomed to repeat it"? That is what you will find here and if you give an accurate description of your situation, you will get a good indication of how and what MIGHT happen.

Each situation is unique. Each person is unique. Take what you need and discard the rest.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

blazer prophet said:


> Here's my mistake.
> 
> Most of the posters, albeit our of concern for the most part, took a situation and blew it well out of proportion. So I figured I must have said it all wrong and amended my remarks to better fit the situation. Still it got blown out of proportion. So I dialed it down more. Still got blown out of proportion.
> 
> Lesson learned. If my wife says 'hello' to anyone, she must be ****ing them. This is a tough crowd. But it's nice to have the lay of the land, ya know.


I am just now reading this thread, and I dont believe at all that anyone is blowing your situation out of proportion. Everyone is being realistic. Its harder for you because you are the one in the situation and you want to believe your wife is presenting herself in an honest way to you. 

But I have to say, based on what you describe, I am in agreement with those stating that she knows exactly what is going down, no woman in the world is as naive as you are presenting her to be. And you playing marriage police is not sustainable or advisable long term.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Regardless of whether or not this is being blown “out of proportion “ I have one very basic question:

If your wife is a *MARRIED ADULT*, and recognizes that she has an issue, why are YOU being tasked as relationship police?

Perhaps she needs to learn a new skill set. How to detect bs. 

Constantly monitoring another person must be exhausting. And takes you away from living a better life.

Just sayin’


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

blazer prophet said:


> Here's my mistake.
> 
> Most of the posters, albeit our of concern for the most part, took a situation and blew it well out of proportion. So I figured I must have said it all wrong and amended my remarks to better fit the situation. Still it got blown out of proportion. So I dialed it down more. Still got blown out of proportion.
> 
> Lesson learned. If my wife says 'hello' to anyone, she must be ****ing them. This is a tough crowd. But it's nice to have the lay of the land, ya know.


I respect your opinion. 

One year from now, come back and tell the crowd at TAM, that they were wrong.
In fairness, if this crowd is correct, come back and tell us you were wrong.

We are all anonymous. There should be no shame attached to anyone here.

I believe most on here want this to be a case of a wife stepping a little too far away from proper marital behavior.
The fact that you had to chase one sexually aggressive 'author' away, says otherwise.

She should have stopped him long before he went that far. She knows exactly how far she can push men. She may never get physical with any of these men, but she sure was willing to let them make fools of themselves. 
That is classless.

In the past, she valued herself, her marriage and you, way too little.
Who knows, maybe your pressure tactics straightened her out?

One can hope.

Keep watching her, and please install the VAR's.... voice activated recorders. (Best Buy, sells them).
It is cheap insurance. It will either give you peace of mind or it will open your eyes.

I think since she has been read the riot act, she needs to cool it. By employing the VARs and searching through her communications, you will find out how much your word and wishes 'really' mean.

She still may be pushing boundaries, and being more 'selectively' secretive. To/with certain men.

Her biggest danger is a man who can actually do things for her. 
What is she willing to do to get what she wants?



KB-


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

@blazer prophet

Sorry to hear that you feel things are being blown out of proportion.

Let me ask you this question though: Why did you feel the need to post about a VAR to get advice on 'listening in' on your wife without you around?

Your gut is telling you lots and your rational mind is trying very hard to make things fit into place without putting the "blame" on your wife.

Not saying your wife is currently out there taking advantage of every opportunity; however, from what you wrote, she is very certainly hooked on attention that you are not able to provide.

Your wife has blinders on at this point and will most likely need to screw up royally before admitting to herself that she is in over her head.

Good luck.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Read what you wrote, look at your own complaints and then understand who blew what out of proportion. It wasn't the posters, unless everything you wrote were lies.

Normal problems do not escalate to VAR levels by themselves with no prodding. You made the suggestion, you added the problems, you answered the questions and agreed with the suggestions. You did this until, dang near EVERYONE stopped agreeing with your "but my wife is a super innocent being, who is getting assaulted by these super predators."

Now, posters are blowing things out of proportion because many do not believe your wife is that naive.

Whelp, this is what you said empahsis mine:



blazer prophet said:


> It's her Achilles heel. She would never knowingly betray me. *I just think the right guy could lead her down that path a ways. So I will monitor and step in if necessary.* At least we have had strong discussions and she now tells me that she will have to be meeting with some of these guys. That's better than it has been. We're making progress. But as someone who has been brutally betrayed in the past, I am also super sensitive to it. Maybe too much so.



It is crazy because you actually posted a ton of info, but do not see your own walking back boundaries and contradictions. You want to spy on your wife for YOUR OWN peace of mind and to protect her. That's not any of us blowing anything out of proportion. 

VAR equals lack of trust or protection from lies during a divorce IMO.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

blazer prophet said:


> Here's my mistake.
> 
> Most of the posters, albeit our of concern for the most part, took a situation and blew it well out of proportion. So I figured I must have said it all wrong and amended my remarks to better fit the situation. Still it got blown out of proportion. So I dialed it down more. Still got blown out of proportion.
> 
> Lesson learned. If my wife says 'hello' to anyone, she must be ****ing them. This is a tough crowd. But it's nice to have the lay of the land, ya know.


Dude. 

You want to hide a recording device on your wife's person! 

It's not because you "don't trust those other guys".

It's because you don't trust her.

Because if you trusted her, you'd trust that any man who comes a' callin', would be sent a' packin'. 

She's in her 50's. If she is that naive, you shouldn't let her out of the house alone.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

blazer prophet said:


> My wife has a fatal weakness. She's a good woman, but due to her upbringing and a very abusive first husband *she craves compliments from fellow writers*. She is so weak to it, it blinds her and *strips of her good common sense*. As she is the VP of a large writing organization, she has to recruit keynote speakers and workshop presenters. A lot are men and sometimes *they chase her pretty hard*. One I had to call and threaten so he'd leave her alone and a few other tried hard to get some alone time with her. One guy even connived her to come to his house for a day, allegedly to help with a website. I had to put a stop to that as well. *She also does not believe EA's exist and is just wide open to be taken advantage of.* Well, she has a week long conference coming up and she has to talk to several men to recruit for conferences. As my wife is small, cute, in good shape and very friendly, it leads to *guys chasing her.* I want a VAR for her purse so I can monitor some of the *******s chasing her.


It's hard to say we're overreacting when this is how you described the situation. From that, it sounds like she's going to have an affair if the wrong guy says "hello" to her.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

faithfulman said:


> She's in her 50's. If she is that naive, you shouldn't let her out of the house alone.


Actually, if she's truly THAT unaware of how the world really works at 50+ years old, then she should probably be wearing a helmet in public.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Noble1 said:


> @*blazer prophet*
> 
> Sorry to hear that you feel things are being blown out of proportion.
> 
> Let me ask you this question though: Why did you feel the need to post about a VAR to get advice on 'listening in' on your wife without you around?


Sadly, the OP actually believes that his wife has managed to make it to the ripe old age of 50+, flirting and interacting inappropriately with men on a regular basis, but is completely *unaware* of her inappropriate behavior, and _more_ so, she can't understand that these evil, predatory MEN are *all* monsters who are out to prey on her and take advantage of her childlike "innocence."









She's just too _innocent_ to realize when she's being taken advantage of and manipulated by men, so the OP *has* to guard her, 24 hours a day - don't you get it????  That's why he needs to plant a VAR on her - she's SUCH a naive angel and is SO pure that she can't even tell when men are flirting with her or that they want MORE from her than just the *chaste friendship* she's offering. That's why he needs the VAR - so he can hear when the predatory animals are circling and he can protect her because she's too pure to understand what's happening!

Oh man, I've heard love is blind, but....._Jesus. _

Op, I've got some lovely oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. I also have a lead on a famous east coast bridge for sale as well, if you're in the market.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Yeah, its hard to take sometimes when someone is too close to the situation to really see what is going on.

I really take to heart the quote about looking at things from 50,000' above.

Things get a little more clear and if you can pull your emotions out of the situation, the actions that are plainly visible speak much much louder than any words can say.

Good luck to the OP


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> She's just too _innocent_ to realize when she's being taken advantage of and manipulated by men, so the OP *has* to guard her, 24 hours a day - don't you get it????  That's why he needs to plant a VAR on her - she's SUCH a naive angel and is SO pure that she can't even tell when men are flirting with her or that they want MORE from her than just the *chaste friendship* she's offering. That's why he needs the VAR - so he can hear when the predatory animals are circling and he can protect her because she's too pure to understand what's happening!.


What's crazier is friends had to call him, but we are blowing things out of prportion.



blazer prophet said:


> She got pissed when I drove that one idiot away, but *I was alerted by her friends who said he was nearly crawling all over her and she was refusing to believe he was after her.* We had another case similar recently I found out by accident. A "name" author, married, was trying repeatedly to have private get togethers with her.


Most people loathe to get involved in marital strife. To me, the fact *HER* friends contacted *HIM* is very telling how OVERT this other guy was acting. So, sorry, there is no way she is that naive. I mean, at least she has friends who respect their marriage. There are way too many stories of "not my business" or outright encourgament of affairs on this website and in life.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> What's crazier is friends had to call him, but we are blowing things out of prportion.
> 
> 
> Most people loathe to get involved in marital strife. To me, the fact *HER* friends contacted *HIM* is very telling how OVERT this other guy was acting. So, sorry, there is no way she is that naive. I mean, at least she has friends who respect their marriage. There are way too many stories of "not my business" or outright encourgament of affairs on this website and in life.


And not to pile on but...




blazer prophet said:


> Let me give you a true example. Her favorite (and very successful) writer is early 60's, married and lives about 75 miles from us. She emailed him to be a keynote speaker last year. They exchanged FB pages (common in the industry) and he refused to consider the job unless they met privately without spouses "a few times". WTF? It can all be handled via email. And he knows that. So she emails him back and stated he was her favorite author and was he at least interested in the assignment? His second email was full of flattery (Oh, [wife's name], you're such a sweet, beautiful verb...").* I only found out by accident as I was (with her permission) looking for an email in her account with a pic of my granddaughter. When I read the short string, I went right to her and she got all red. She was adamant he was just being nice and it was an honor for an author like him to want to take her to a business lunch or dinner......* I told her to conduct it via email and if she felt compelled to get together, only in a group setting, ie, with spouses. Then he started bugging her about being her life coach.... It's just her business right now.


She knows what's up. She may not be physically cheating (Or she might be physically cheating), but she certainly knows she is playing an extremely inappropriate game.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

faithfulman said:


> She knows what's up. She may not be physically cheating (Or she might be physically cheating), but she certainly knows she is playing an extremely inappropriate game.


Yup!


> When I read the short string, I went right to her and *she got all red*. She was adamant he was just being nice and it was an honor for an author like him to want to take her to a business lunch or dinner......


 As I said before people don't "get all red" when questioned about something that is innocent and they are not guilty of. She knows exactly what's up.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> faithfulman said:
> 
> 
> > She knows what's up. She may not be physically cheating (Or she might be physically cheating), but she certainly knows she is playing an extremely inappropriate game.
> ...


Yep. The only naive one in this scenario is the OP


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

Hehehe OP has a 50+ little girl for spouse. Let me tell you something,even mentaly retarded people are not so naive like you present your wife. So,start thinking straight and put her behavier to a stop.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

BP,

What if your wife is fully aware of what these men are after? What if she is fully aware that she is pushing the boundaries of "faithful wife" behavior?

All the excuses you are getting are common and have been heard here before. It is called gas-lighting and is very common behavior of a cheating spouse. They use it to keep control of the situation - at least until the betrayed spouse finally finds evidence of betrayal that cannot be explained away as "just being friendly", "that's how they all act", or "nothing going on". The betrayed spouse is usually way to quick to accept these excuses since they have not yet accepted that their spouse is capable of cheating on them.

What if she is just waiting for a solid offer for publishing and is deciding if she is willing to pay the price asked?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Care to mention the name of the program you used? Sounds interesting.
> 
> I use a program called Life360. It tracks the phone location and stores routes and can tell how much time was spent at each stop. The draw back is that you have to load it on both phones (mine and hers) and then send an invite to her phone that she has to accept (I did that when I had access to her phone and did not tell her). But I cannot record or listen to phone calls.
> 
> For the record - I don't think my wife is cheating now, but an EA she had years ago has left me forever diligent about her location. I use the program rarely.


MSPY is highly rated now. But there are many products out there that work just as well, and cannot be detected by the target.


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