# Hit husband. Don't know what to do



## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

Hello. My husband has had a history of sporadic abusive episodes with me, and has a terrible temper. Mostly pushing, shoving, or blocking me in rooms so I had to listen to him. He's hit me on the back once or twice and grabbed my throat once as well.

He stopped all this for three years now, and I thought it was over.

Last night he was really angry (angrier than I've seen him in years) at me and kept coming towards me while I was in a corner. I repeatedly told him he was scaring me and to please leave me alone. His anger escalated, and eventually when he wouldn't stop, I punched him in the face. I've never done that before. I was just so scared, and I hadn't seen him escalate in anger like that in years, and I didn't want him to do anything to me.

In retaliation he grabbed my forearm with 2 fists and squeezed, and it really hurt, and I believe I may have a small fracture ( will have to see a doctor today). He may have a mark from my punch, but I haven't seen it. I'm not very strong and it was not a straight punch.

I left the room after that ( I think we were both shocked). Now he's acting like I abused HIM and started it all. I told him I felt threatened and scared by his anger and forcefully coming towards me, (as in the past, that was the precursor to escalated violence) but he's insisting that I'm lying and just hit him because I wanted to.


There's more to the story, I'm trying to make it all as succinct as possible. 
I don't know what to do. I have no family, no friends I trust, and no money ( AT ALL). We have two children and he's a great dad, and I'd never want to do anything to take him away from them, so I won't call the police. Also I am afraid he'd tell them I abused him and then we'd both get taken away.

We cannot afford counseling, much less a babysitter for during the counseling.

I'm so lost and I need help. I don't want our family ripped apart by divorce, but I don't know how to make sense of this. 

Also please no bashing remarks. I need support badly


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You need to make a decision. To stay or go. When you decide that the abuse and and pain thats being inflicted upon you is to much, and that your children are likely to see this is acceptable behavior, then you may decide to go. If you're not at the point of seeing the damage its doing to you and your kids, then you will likely stay. 

No money, no family, no friends you can trust, can't afford counseling, then it might be time to seek out a women's shelter. IMO, by staying and not calling the police then it says to me you are helping to enable his behavior. I hope you are able to make a decision soon.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Frightened & Alone said:


> Hello. My husband has had a history of sporadic abusive episodes with me, and has a terrible temper. Mostly pushing, shoving, or blocking me in rooms so I had to listen to him. He's hit me on the back once or twice and grabbed my throat once as well.
> 
> He stopped all this for three years now, and I thought it was over.
> 
> ...


He is not a great dad. He is dangerous...physically and emotionally towards you, and for now, emotionally towards your children, until that turns physical as well.

This is not bashing...it is the truth.


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

Thank you Calla Lilly. That is my problem is I cannot decide if what he's doing is supposed to be bad enough for me to leave and tear the family apart. It's been years since anything like this has happened. He worked so hard to change, and I believed he had. I don't know if I'm supposed to forgive him and hope this never happens again or if this is bad enough I'm supposed to leave. I have no other input than his. He makes me feel like this was all my fault, but I do not think he understands what it's like to have been abused and scared of someone.

I'm just confused. Thank you for listening to me and helping me make sense of it all.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

As I see it, this is kind of a no brainer. You may get out or not, but at least start a game plan for doing so. You might have to escape in a hurry.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Frightened & Alone said:


> Thank you Calla Lilly. That is my problem is I cannot decide if what he's doing is supposed to be bad enough for me to leave and tear the family apart. It's been years since anything like this has happened. He worked so hard to change, and I believed he had. I don't know if I'm supposed to forgive him and hope this never happens again or if this is bad enough I'm supposed to leave. I have no other input than his. He makes me feel like this was all my fault, but I do not think he understands what it's like to have been abused and scared of someone.
> 
> I'm just confused. Thank you for listening to me and helping me make sense of it all.


I was married to a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive woman for 17 years. It took me that long to get out. Never, NOT ONCE did I ever lay a hand on her in anger or even frustration. I NEVER even called her a name. Even though we were sexless for the last four years, I NEVER cheated on her. Your husbands behavior is UNACCEPTIBLE. He is the one who has ripped YOUR family apart, not you. This is HIS doing. Not yours.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Frightened & Alone said:


> That is my problem is I cannot decide if what he's doing is supposed to be bad enough for me to leave and tear the family apart.


You wouldn't be tearing the family apart, you would helping to save it, for you and your kids. As in, getting out and making a better life for you and your children. 

I see its quite common for a woman to come here and say that their husband is abusive but yet he is a great dad. No, he isn't being a great dad, if he is hurting the mother. 

No one can decide for you when enough is enough, only you can. For some people they would have already been gone, for some it will take their spouse almost killing them or their kids to see the light.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Jamison said:


> *You wouldn't be tearing the family apart, you would helping to save it*, for you and your kids. As in, getting out and making a better life for you and your children.
> 
> *I see its quite common for a woman to come here and say that their husband is abusive but yet he is a great dad. No, he isn't being a great dad, if he is hurting the mother. *
> 
> No one can decide for you when enough is enough, only you can. For some people they would have already been gone, for some it will take their spouse almost killing them or their kids to see the light.


This and this! See my posts above agreeing completely with this!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you desire counseling but money is an issue, you might check out some of your larger local churches. My wife and I had some counseling sessions at our church. The counselor had a Phd and was wonderful. I would have paid through the nose to get less assistance. I disagree that you have described a marriage that just needs to be tossed in the trash. Could be that you both could use some training to learn better ways to communicate. Whether you ditch this guy or not, both of you will sooner or later have to learn how to handle disputes productively. Lots of people have been taught from childhood that violence and bullying is normal. When people know better, they often do better. Unless this guy is a complete moron, he can learn a better way. Sane people don't yell and scream by themselves, so this isn't a husband problem. It's a couple problem.


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> He is not a great dad. He is dangerous...physically and emotionally towards you, and for now, emotionally towards your children, until that turns physical as well.
> 
> This is not bashing...it is the truth.


Thank you for your thoughts. 

I just have to say that I meant it when I said he's a great dad. He's never so much as yelled at them. He's a better father than I could have ever hoped or with my children. It's just ME. He treats me respectfully when they are around. It's only when they're asleep and we're alone and out of earshot that it seems he lets loose if we get in an argument.

I really appreciate your input and for listening.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Frightened & Alone said:


> Thank you for your thoughts.
> 
> I just have to say that I meant it when I said he's a great dad. He's never so much as yelled at them. He's a better father than I could have ever hoped or with my children. It's just ME. He treats me respectfully when they are around. It's only when they're asleep and we're alone and out of earshot that it seems he lets loose if we get in an argument.
> 
> I really appreciate your input and for listening.


So he just beats up on you. Hates just you? Abusers typically are very good at hiding their abuse from others. That is part of what makes the so dangerous. Do your friends think he's the nicest guy in the world?


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

Jamison said:


> You wouldn't be tearing the family apart, you would helping to save it, for you and your kids. As in, getting out and making a better life for you and your children.
> 
> I see its quite common for a woman to come here and say that their husband is abusive but yet he is a great dad. No, he isn't being a great dad, if he is hurting the mother.
> 
> No one can decide for you when enough is enough, only you can. For some people they would have already been gone, for some it will take their spouse almost killing them or their kids to see the light.


Seeing it put this way, I understand better. I do think that treating the mother well is important. I will definitely give that thought.

I think that because it's ME and I'm no perfect person either (I've argued, called him names before) I tend to forgive and rationalize away his actions. I think I do this because he's been such an amazing husband to me for years, and this instance is the rarity, while him being great is the majority of life with him. 

I just have so much thinking to do. Thank you so much for giving me perspective.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Frightened & Alone said:


> Now he's acting like I abused HIM and started it all. I told him I felt threatened and scared by his anger and forcefully coming towards me, (as in the past, that was the precursor to escalated violence) but he's insisting that I'm lying and just hit him because I wanted to.


You were not "abusing" him. That was self defense. Even if you hit first, what is the difference in size and strength between you? Is he terrorized and fearing for his life by your action?

_QUOTE: 

One statistic which has been minimized or avoided: In 71% of all violent fights, the woman engages in the first physically violent act…

*Despite the statistic, it is only men who use violence to systematically terrorize, control, and subdue their wives. Battering is not simply the use of violence, but its use in service of control, intimidation, and domination.
*_*
-Gottman The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically-based Marital Therapy - John Mordechai Gottman - Google Books* ​


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If you desire counseling but money is an issue, you might check out some of your larger local churches. My wife and I had some counseling sessions at our church. The counselor had a Phd and was wonderful. I would have paid through the nose to get less assistance. I disagree that you have described a marriage that just needs to be tossed in the trash. Could be that you both could use some training to learn better ways to communicate. Whether you ditch this guy or not, both of you will sooner or later have to learn how to handle disputes productively. Lots of people have been taught from childhood that violence and bullying is normal. When people know better, they often do better. Unless this guy is a complete moron, he can learn a better way. Sane people don't yell and scream by themselves, so this isn't a husband problem. It's a couple problem.


This is dangerous advice. 

I am no expert at domestic violence, but a church I was at ran a ministry in the field for some years, and I had some peripheral involvement.

The dilemma of when to stick with the marriage vs when to leave was awful. Seeing women who tried to make it work and ended up in hospital.

OP, if he has broken your arm, then I think it is getting serious. I really think you should seek support from people with expertise in the field.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

No one knows your husband like you do, so, if there were some free counseling available, through a church or wherever, and you wanted to try and salvage the marriage,do you feel he would go with you? Do you feel he would participate in getting the help he needs for his anger? You stated when you told him how you felt about what he was doing and how you were scared, he dismissed your feelings by saying you were lying, so not sure how much he would be on board with counseling. If it were me, I couldn't stay with a person after he had emotionally and mentally damaged me. Physical abuse is bad enough, but the scars remain in the emotional/mental aspect. But thats just me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Frightened & Alone said:


> Thank you for your thoughts.
> 
> I just have to say that I meant it when I said he's a great dad. He's never so much as yelled at them. He's a better father than I could have ever hoped or with my children. It's just ME. He treats me respectfully when they are around. It's only when they're asleep and we're alone and out of earshot that it seems he lets loose if we get in an argument.
> 
> I really appreciate your input and for listening.


You _believe _your kids can't hear and don't know. You'd be very surprised by how much kids know but don't tell.


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> So he just beats up on you. Hates just you? Abusers typically are very good at hiding their abuse from others. That is part of what makes the so dangerous. Do your friends think he's the nicest guy in the world?


Yes they do. And to me 99.9% of the time he's amazing to me too. That's why this is so shocking and confusing, because it just came out of nowhere. Before he quit being physical 3 years ago, it was about once a month when he'd lose control of his temper. Then it was mostly shoving and blocking me in a room (when i'd try to leave) so I'd have to listen to him. He's never hit me with anything or beat me up (though maybe once a year something bigger would happen, like grabbing my throat for a few seconds). I guess I just don't feel like he's the typical abusive man and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in this situation.

Again, thank you for listening. Sorry for rambling. It's so nice to have an outside perspective


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, he is the typical abusive man. Sugar sweet except when he's abusing you. Apologies later and promises to never do it again. Until he does it again. And again. And again.


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

Blonde said:


> You were not "abusing" him. That was self defense. Even if you hit first, what is the difference in size and strength between you? Is he terrorized and fearing for his life by your action?
> 
> _QUOTE:
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for that, Blonde. I needed to read that. I absolutely did not hit him for any other reason than I was scared. However he is treating me as if I'm the villain, and when he's the only input I have on the situation, I start to wonder if I really WAS the villain.

It's such a mess. Thank you for your post.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Frightened & Alone said:


> Yes they do. And to me 99.9% of the time he's amazing to me too. That's why this is so shocking and confusing, because it just came out of nowhere. Before he quit being physical 3 years ago, it was about once a month when he'd lose control of his temper. Then it was mostly shoving and blocking me in a room (when i'd try to leave) so I'd have to listen to him. He's never hit me with anything or beat me up (though maybe once a year something bigger would happen, like grabbing my throat for a few seconds). I guess I just don't feel like he's the typical abusive man and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in this situation.
> 
> Again, thank you for listening. Sorry for rambling. It's so nice to have an outside perspective


Listne, I am a man, and I was in a marriage where many people would have condoned me physically fighting back, and I restrained myself, calling her names, belittling her, but I restrained myself, cheating on her, but I restrained myself. I can count on one hand the number of times I even raised my voice to her. Quit making excuses for him. YOU are giving the rest of us guys who CAN control ourselves like men should a bad name.


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

norajane said:


> Yes, he is the typical abusive man. Sugar sweet except when he's abusing you. Apologies later and promises to never do it again. Until he does it again. And again. And again.


That's what I've been unsure of. Most abusive situations (I thought) were of when a husband kicks the crap out of his wife often and won't stop. Not occasionally shoving, blocking, and very rarely worse. It's even more confusing because he did stop completely for years, so it makes me feel like it was my fault for getting scared last night and hitting him in the first place.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Frightened & Alone said:


> Yes they do. And to me 99.9% of the time he's amazing to me too. That's why this is so shocking and confusing, because it just came out of nowhere. Before he quit being physical 3 years ago, it was about once a month when he'd lose control of his temper. Then it was mostly shoving and blocking me in a room (when i'd try to leave) so I'd have to listen to him.


So all in one sentence you are saying, he stopped being physical with you 3 years ago, but yet he still would shove you or block you just not hit you. You are an abused woman with an abused woman's mind.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Frightened & Alone said:


> Yes they do. *And to me 99.9% of the time he's amazing to me too.* That's why this is so shocking and confusing, because it just came out of nowhere. Before he quit being physical 3 years ago, it was about once a month when he'd lose control of his temper. Then it was mostly shoving and blocking me in a room (when i'd try to leave) so I'd have to listen to him. He's never hit me with anything or beat me up (though maybe once a year something bigger would happen, like grabbing my throat for a few seconds). I guess I just don't feel like he's the typical abusive man and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in this situation.
> 
> Again, thank you for listening. Sorry for rambling. It's so nice to have an outside perspective


It's that .1% of the time that may end up killing you...knock upside the head causing a brain injury, shove down the stairs breaking your spine...


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

What will you children do when they wake up one morning and you are dead?????


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Listne, I am a man, and I was in a marriage where many people would have condoned me physically fighting back, and I restrained myself, calling her names, belittling her, but I restrained myself, cheating on her, but I restrained myself. I can count on one hand the number of times I even raised my voice to her. Quit making excuses for him. YOU are giving the rest of us guys who CAN control ourselves like men should a bad name.


I'm so very sorry you were in a physically abusive relationship. That is terrible.  I think you're wonderful for holding back all that time. I don't mean to give anyone a bad name. I feel like I need to give all the good sides to him in case it makes a difference on my situation, because obviously I'm confused on if his goodness should matter or not.


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> So all in one sentence you are saying, he stopped being physical with you 3 years ago, but yet he still would shove you or block you just not hit you. You are an abused woman with an abused woman's mind.


No he quit completely (sorry for the mis-wording.) BEFORE he quit he was shoving, blocking, and occasionally worse. For 3 years there has been nothing, hasn't laid a finger on me. Then this all happened out of nowhere.

I may have an abused woman's mind, I have no idea. Before my marriage to my husband I was with another abusive man for 5 years. However this man was WAY worse than my husband. Maybe that's why I have difficulty making what my husband's doing a big deal, because I've had much worse.

Again, thanks for helping me sort my thoughts.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have to ask, were you abused as a child too?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Frightened & Alone said:


> No he quit completely (sorry for the mis-wording.) BEFORE he quit he was shoving, blocking, and occasionally worse. For 3 years there has been nothing, hasn't laid a finger on me. Then this all happened out of nowhere.
> 
> I may have an abused woman's mind, I have no idea. Before my marriage to my husband I was with another abusive man for 5 years. However this man was WAY worse than my husband. *Maybe that's why I have difficulty making what my husband's doing a big deal, because I've had much worse.*
> 
> Again, thanks for helping me sort my thoughts.


This! It is a matter of degree with you. You were married to a man who makes the next man look like a saint in comparison. Your husband had a really low bar to reach to be better, and he is coming as close to that low bar as possible.

This is NOT a normal healthy situation you are in.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

During the time that he stopped being abusive, why do you feel that is? What made his stop for a period of time then start back up? You stated you don't have any family, do you live far away from them?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frightened & Alone said:


> That's what I've been unsure of. Most abusive situations (I thought) were of when a husband kicks the crap out of his wife often and won't stop. Not occasionally shoving, blocking, and very rarely worse. It's even more confusing because he did stop completely for years, so it makes me feel like it was my fault for getting scared last night and hitting him in the first place.


You need to do some reading about domestic abuse, both emotional and physical. 

Most abuse is like your situation. It's called the "cycle of abuse". Look it up and read all you can find on it.

What makes it so dangerous is that it is intermittent. 

IF he beat you every day, you would know that it was horrible and leave.

But by him being abusive only every so often, it gives you time to over think it and make excuses for him. 

What you did was self defense because he had you in cornered and would not stop his yelling, etc. So you tried to get away and in the process you did punch him. But then he grabbed you and broke your wrist. 

He's at fault here.

Also, you can find free or sliding scare counseling at a domestic violence center. 

There are hotlines and there are most likely places where you live. 

Today.. you need to either tell the doctor you see what happened or you need to contact a local domestic violence center and tell them. Ask them for help.

You do need to start getting a history with the police and a domestic violence center that this is going on. The only way to get the help you need is to do this.

If you want help finding a place near you, PM your city/state to me. If you live in a big city like NY or LA also let me know the area of that city. I will look up places near you that you can contact and provide you with hotlines. 

Please PM me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You need to do some reading about domestic abuse, both emotional and physical.
> 
> Most abuse is like your situation. It's called the "cycle of abuse". Look it up and read all you can find on it.
> 
> ...


You are freakin' awesome!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frightened & Alone said:


> No he quit completely (sorry for the mis-wording.) BEFORE he quit he was shoving, blocking, and occasionally worse. For 3 years there has been nothing, hasn't laid a finger on me. Then this all happened out of nowhere.
> 
> I may have an abused woman's mind, I have no idea. Before my marriage to my husband I was with another abusive man for 5 years. However this man was WAY worse than my husband. Maybe that's why I have difficulty making what my husband's doing a big deal, because I've had much worse.
> 
> Again, thanks for helping me sort my thoughts.


I'm not sure I'd call it an abused woman's mind.

What you do have are weak boundaries. You will allow a man to do anything to you because you do not have any rules/boundaries in your life for what you will allow another person (a man in particular) do to you.

Years ago I left a husband who behaved like your husband does. When I left I starting attending counseling (for free) at a center for victims of domestic abuse. During my counseling intake session the counselor asked me what I hoped to learn from the counseling. I told her that I wanted to find out why I picked 2 abuse men... my the husband and the guy before that. I wanted to know why so I could learn to not pick another abusive man.

Her answer to me was that the answer was easy... I have no boundaries. She said that I did not pick these guys. They picked me. And why did they pick me? Because abusers test potential mates with little inappropriate things. All the potential mates who have good boundaries walk away when they pick up on the guy being inappropriate, angry, abusive, etc. The only potential mate left is the one who puts up with his sh!t, the one who has not boundaries, the one who makes excuses.

So how do you change this? You come up with your boundaries. And when your husband (or any person) crosses one (or more) of your boundaries you END your relationship with them on the spot. There is no negotiation or excuses for anyone breaking your boundaries.

You need an exit plan. You need counseling and a support system.

When I was at that place getting counseling, there was another woman there who attended a group session that I was in. She and I hit it off pretty quickly. This was in 1996. She and I are still best friends to this day. We have been an enormous support for each other over the years. My point, you can build a support system. Start now.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft - Google Books

^^ goes to free preview of a book which would be helpful to you IMO. If you scroll to the bottom of the page linked you will find a list of red flags. The first thing on the list *"Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out".* 

Even if it is once in 3 years, your husband has shown you that he can be violent, he has established his control and planted fear and intimidation. Your screen name is "Frightened and Alone".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> You are freakin' awesome!


Blush.. thanks


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> During the time that he stopped being abusive, why do you feel that is? What made his stop for a period of time then start back up? You stated you don't have any family, do you live far away from them?


He said because he felt horrible for everything he's done to me and never wanted to hurt me again. I saw the hard work he put in to fix his issues, and he worked so hard to control his anger. I hate that last night happened because he was doing so well and I just want me and my family to be happy.

My mother is passed away and father I barely know. There is no one else.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Blush.. thanks


My mom is with the psychology department at a university, and spent many years as a domestic violence abuse advocate for law enforcement and the courts. What you are doing here is absolutely spot on!

OP LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN!


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

Thank you EleGirl for your thoughtful words. I will take it all into consideration. What you say resonates closely to what has been happening.

I have a lot of thinking to do.


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

What a long day. I need to type (vent)

Now that I have more time I'd like to add details onto what happened last night, after he grabbed my arm I kept trying to hit him because I thought he may kill me and I didn't know what else to do (didn't know what he would do next). He then started to record me with his phone while I was crying and hyperventilating, stating calmly to the camera that I was abusing him and threatened to take the children away from me and ruin my career. He kept coming at me with the camera and I kept pushing him away, crying and yelling for him to stop. He didn't so I ran off to the bedroom (this is when we both seemed shocked at what was happening and I felt I could get away)

Upon retreating he continued talking to the phone camera relaying how terrible I was and how defenseless and innocent he was. Stating this was to be his proof that I didn't deserve to have the children. I was listening to this, and looking at my hurt arm when I became so overwhelmingly sickened at the fact that I was (once again, after years) running off the bedroom hiding from his anger. I didn't want to be his victim anymore. I went back out and lifted a vase like I was going to throw it at him, telling him he was never going to touch me again. I didn't throw anything at him, but I then proceeded to invade his space like he did to me. Walking towards him bumping into him (though he's got 50 pounds one me, so there's not much pushing I could do.) I knew he might really hurt me but at the time I didn't care. I didn't want to be the cowering victim anymore. I've never seen such shock on his face. He panicked and started pushing past me again until I left to the bedroom again. That's when the fight ended

Today he's sent me an email affirming that I was the abusive one and my complaint about him grabbing my wrist/possibly breaking my arm is null because I hit him first. He says he's willing to "let this all slide" because of all we've been through if I work on myself. He says there's no way I could be scared because I could have left whenever I wanted and he had a right to not leave me alone because I "was in his space" (I was in his office). He said he felt threatened and feared for HIS life because of the vase I held up (basically verbatim repeated word for word what I told him about how I felt last night). 

I feel so sickened by him. I cannot believe how he's twisted this entire thing to make him the victim. I'm beyond words.

For the record, I feel so stupid going back out after him. I've never experienced feeling like that. I just didn't want to be abused and hide anymore. I couldn't take him threatening to take my children because of what HE did. I didn't want him to feel like he successfully chased me off and had control of me anymore. I wanted to take a stand. Has anyone else ever experienced that? Am I really abusive now? I didn't go out to hurt him, I wanted to show him I was not going to let him hurt me anymore and was not going to cower this time.

Anyway, thank you for the support. It helped me weather the day and stay strong to his usual overtures to fix things. I still don't know what to do, and I have so much work piled up that I have no choice but to work, but maybe that's a good thing.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey F and A---your H is full of sh*t

1st---when he gets in your face, blocks you, threatens you---he is committing the crime of ASSAULT---look up the definition, if you want---but it is putting you in fear for your life----he also was preventing you from movement---which makes it all the more ASSAULT---your hitting him---was you in a mode of SELF DEFENSE----his then squeezing your arm and leaving marks is the crime of BATTERY---look up the elements to that crime

Forget this crap about abuse---your H, committed assault and battery on you---and you have every right to file charges agst him----what he recorded is BS, and consider it so

Go to the police and file your charges---if you do not do so---one of these days, he is gonna lose it again---and you could be harmed, much worse-------

I worked security at Disneyland for many years-----and over the course of the years---I probably hauled---at least 25 H's in for A/B---and,abusing their wives, in the park----when came time to send them to the Anaheim lock-up---everyone of the women refused to press charges---everyone of them---WHY---cuz they were all SAHM, and they would have no source of support, with their H's in jail---their income would be nil---so the women stayed with their H's, and continued to be beaten----

I don't know if that is your situation---but if it isn't get the he*l out, and get a D---cuz one of these days----he could lose it so completely, that you may not recover from what he does

But as to this instance---you have a legit, case agst him for A/B----use it---as to his recording---do nothing about it, as it may back your story as well---just do not be afraid of him


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Please leave and if you still want to save your marriage you can do so from a safe distance.


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## Frightened & Alone (Aug 16, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey F and A---your H is full of sh*t
> 
> 1st---when he gets in your face, blocks you, threatens you---he is committing the crime of ASSAULT---look up the definition, if you want---but it is putting you in fear for your life----he also was preventing you from movement---which makes it all the more ASSAULT---your hitting him---was you in a mode of SELF DEFENSE----his then squeezing your arm and leaving marks is the crime of BATTERY---look up the elements to that crime
> 
> ...


Oh no not Disneyland  That place is practically sacred to me ( best moments of my life there) It's terrible to hear of AB taking place there.

My situation is more complicated than even that, but it's essentially the same. At the moment I rely on his work to just put food on the table. Also we're public figures (poor, but a lot of people know us in our field) so leaving him, reporting him, ANYTHING that detracts from us getting our work done, thereby ruining both our careers and reputation. It would be of detriment to my family to not get our work done. If I want to leave it will take time to separate our work. I am so scared though. I'm so alone. It's so hard loving someone so much and watching the love we shared die and all our efforts on the marrriage go to waste. It's so unbearable.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just stop---what good is his money, and whatever work, that the 2 of you work on---if you find yourself in the hospital with broken bones---and your H, is put in jail, cuz of what he did to you

Stay or not stay---your choice---but what kind of a life are you leading, by living in constant fear of him

As to D'Land---the 25 over the course of 19 yrs, is a pretty small sampling----considering the number of people in attendance everyday, at the 2 parks, and downtown Disney----------it is a wonderful place, but just like any other public place/town/city/village---it gets a few bad eggs in there each and every day---its just the way it is

Take care of yourself---and do not allow your H---to continue on with his abusive ways


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What happened the other day is worse than what I first thought it was.

Your husband did that to try to frame you. I think you have your answer as to why he suddenly attacked you after a few years of no violence. He has been holding in and then saw something on the news that gave him an idea of how he can get rid of you and keep the children.

I think I know where your husband got the idea to use his phone to record what he thinks is something to prove that you are abusive.

Look at these videos. They are of a video tape taken by the boyfriend of Arizona Cardinals cheerleader Megan Welter. She appears to be out of control and beating on him (he had injuries). He’s videotaping her with his cell while he asks her in a calm voice over and over to stop it. Then she calls 911 and says that they had an altercation and he was beating her. She was arrested and charged with assault (or something like that) because of his cell phone video. 

The links below are to videos of the altercations (his cell phone), her calling 911 and accusing him of abuse, and the police video when they arrived.

Celebrated Cardinals cheerleader arrested after alleged assault caught on video - YouTube

Caught on Tape: NFL Cheerleader Allegedly Drunk and Abusive - YouTube

Arizona Cardinals Cheerleader and Iraq War Veteran Arrest Caught On Police Camera!! - YouTube

Celebrated Cardinals cheerleader arrested after alleged assault caught on video | azfamily.com Phoenix

There are several differences between your situation and this one with the cheer leader. She is not cornered. She is pissed because she found stuff on his cell from another woman. She just keeps coming at him. And when the police arrived HE had scratches and cuts from her attacking him.

She does make one comment that I’m curious about.. while she’s hitting him and he’s asking her to stop, she says something like “why, it’s ok when you do it”. Sounds like he might be volatile but he managed to get her on the video. We don’t know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YOu need to record everything now. Get yourself a VAR (voice activated recorder). Between that and you cell phone you might be able to capture things that will help you. Keep them on you at all times. Learn how to use them in a tense situation. 

For example if you use your cell to video him being verbally or physically abusive, also have the VAR on you and running. If he takes the cell away from you, you still have the VAR for evidence.


One idea of how to avoid the kind of situation you found yourself in.. cornered. When he does that drop to the floor in a fetal position. Or hunch over with your hands over your head in self defense. have your cell on you and call 911. have it set up with some easy way to dial it. Then the folks at 911 will get his entire yelling, etc on their recording. If he touches you in any way just say do not touch me, do not hit me, etc. without fighting back. (of course look for a path of escape but if you fight back it gets hard to tell who is doing what.)

This way any further videos he might take will not help him in his attempt to frame you.


Also, look through your house for hidden cameras, nanny cams, etc. He's up to something and you are not safe.

I have no doubt that he will escalate now. He feels empowered with that tape. So plan out how you will handle it the next time it happens.

Start working on your exit plan. Get a support system in place.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

It looks like you punched him in self defence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

A page or two back you stated you really didn't know if it was abuse that was bad enough to leave. Now you are saying, you were afraid he was gonna kill you. You have been given some good advice on here. I hope you take some of that advice and do what you know is right. Because I don't know what else to tell you. No one can get you out of this situation but you. If you don't want to do for you, do it for your kids.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I agree you should leave but you have to be very careful because his abuse may escalate. If you do decide to leave, you need a solid plan. I would start with a visit to an attorney behind his back.

Start journaling every time he is abusive including verbal & emotional. The journal can go back in time.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Please keep posting regularly here as well so we at least know you aren't dead.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Please don't take this as my pushing a religion down on you, but if you go to a Catholic Parish and ask the Priest for assistance they are suppose to provide you with help. 

You do not have to be Catholic but there are services which are available that they are aware of.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I had a friend a few years ago who her long time b/f was abusive to her. Hit her, choked her, pushed her etc. She was scared to leave, but she started taking pics of any bruises or marks he left on her. She would print the pics out and keep them hidden. She wouldn't keep the pics on her phone or camera long in case he were to find them either on her phone or on her camera, because he might would delete them or destroy the phone/camera. if he is leaving bruises, scratches or marks of any kind you might want to take pics of them. My friend finally got up enough courage to show the pics to the police, and exposed him for who he really was to friends/family. She has since moved on with her life.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

...how afraid do you need to be to seek help? If nothing else write him a letter expressing your dislike for his disrespect towards you.This type of abuse is disrespect, YOU ARE NOT A PUNCHING BAG!, The letter serves as your voice if you are afraid to talk face to face because of his anger or unexpected reactions. Also file a report with the police and take pic of every bruise, include hospital visits made after an injury. when you seek medical care don't lie and say you fell. Do these things even if you don't press charges. No reporting means any abuse in the past may not have happened or have been serious enough. Take control of your life and that of your children. be blessed, be safe.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Abuse never happens just because of one person. Many people who have been abused will say they never contributed to it, but they do. I was one of them. I never hit, called names, etc. However, my attitude contributed. My thoughts were plastered on my face and quite evident. My tone of voice was sarcastic. And so on.

In this incident where you hit your husband, OP, the abuse started before you struck. He demonstrated a lack of respect and CHOSE to continue intimidating you after you told him he was scaring you. 

Traditional counseling is one option, but it isn't the only option you have. Online video counseling is available, too. A church may offer assistance with this. Domestic shelters can help in many ways if you have one you can get to.

You said he stopped abusing you three years ago, but I would only be able to say he made improvement since three years ago. Neither of you is making each other's well-being the MOST important thing in your disagreements. Until you can learn to do that, events like this will continue to happen from time to time. They may or may not turn physical, but they will do damage to your relationship.

EDITED TO ADD: 

I just read through the rest of the thread and not just the OP. The cell phone part is what I would call terrorizing you and is high in emotional abusiveness. If you have time, please read http://hubpages.com/hub/Signs-and-Symptoms-of-Emotional-Abuse. It's an article I wrote that can help you decide whether it's bad enough to leave or not. It may offer you a couple techniques you can use to deflect this behavior, too. 

I'd strongly encourage you to take Elegirl's advice about a voice activated recorder and taking pictures. It's quite possible he may post his video on the Internet, too, so I would look for it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Those who are pointing to church resources....having been part of. church that ran women's shelters...yes they are out there but it is a specialised area. Your average suburban minister would be totally out of their depth with this stuff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just checking in on you. Hope you are ok.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

A great dad wouldn't do this stuff to his wife. Kids pick up on stuff like this. Kids will repeat what they see when they are older. If you have a daughter she is more likely to be with a guy who abuses her and if you have a son, he is more likely to abuse a woman. It is a pattern and learned behaviour. 

My dad was a drunk and very abusive to my mom when I was a kid. What did I do?? I got into a relationship with a guy who was worse then my dad, instead of booze it was drugs and I an not talking about pot. After I realized that this abuse was not acceptable (my mom did eventually leave my dad after 26 years of marriage) I got out, it took me 4 years and a son later. 

It also doesn't always stop at the wife. Some men will eventually abuse their children. That is what happened in my case and I was terrified he would have severely hurt out 1 year old son. I got out. 

You can't say you have nowhere to go... There are women's shelters everywhere. You can get on government assistance to help get you on your feet. There is always an option, you just have to want to take the step to protect yourself and your babies. I know it isn't an easy thing to do, but it needs to be done. There are a lot more options now, then there was 17 years ago. I couldn't stay with family because he knew where they all lived and he would have hunted me down, and he did in the past.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> *Abuse never happens just because of one person. Many people who have been abused will say they never contributed to it, but they do. I was one of them. I never hit, called names, etc. However, my attitude contributed. My thoughts were plastered on my face and quite evident. My tone of voice was sarcastic. And so on.*
> 
> In this incident where you hit your husband, OP, the abuse started before you struck. He demonstrated a lack of respect and CHOSE to continue intimidating you after you told him he was scaring you.
> 
> ...


 Ok i don't believe this crap. No one should be abused.. If someone can't control their temper then they need serious help.. And if you think you were at fault for the abuse then you need help. 

My mom was abused by my dad.. She wasn't at fault for any of it,. I was abused by my ex and I was not at fault for it either. It is the abusers fault, not the victims. 

If you are abused and leave the man more than likely he will abuse the next woman and so on.


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