# New house sleeping in car



## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

I am so happy to find this community. 
I have had such a crazy couple years of marriage. I have had very few people to talk to and even with the few friends outside of work I have I respect them to not dump all my personal marriage problems on them. I have been to counseling for many months but at the moment can not afford the $100 dollar sessions. I wish I could.

I have been married for 3 years now and am praying to God that someone would please tell me that I am CRAZY for putting up with this and that what I am going through is not normal. 

I have worked my ass off working a 9-5 job and having started 2 successful home based businesses the last couple years. I have made enough so that my wife could stay home at our apartment. 

I put in a lot of work to get us out of our apartment and into a really nice 3 bedroom home. Its basically a new home built recently and with new carpet, paint etc. Brick on the outside. Its nice. 

Here is the thing though...I have had to sleep in my locked car in the garage to get away from my wife. Or go park in the supermarket parking lot and sleep there over night. Its awful. I never thought my life would be like this. 

My wife is very aggressive and confrontational. She is passive aggressive also. I know that women will indeed test men to see what they are made of, to see if they can trust them for example being cold or mean or distant to see if you will lose your **** or come unglued. 

I have learned the cycles and have matured majorly in a short amount of time being able to keep cool enduring horrible cold moods from this person. Its like a continual ice age and the behavior seems to never end. Doesn't matter what I do. 

I feel so hopeless like there is no right answer to anything and just want to give up hope. The more I give the more is taken and nothing given in return. I work all day and come home and make dinner for her and clean and take care of all the bills everything. And do it without complaining ok. I couldn't care less that I am outside the home for sometimes 10 hours a day and come home to do laundry or whatever is needed to keep things going. 

Honestly if I could just get a hug when I walk in the door or hey its nice to see you and kiss me like you think im important. And yes I have talked plainly about this with her but her response to me is that she shouldn't have to worry about being all over me all the time and makes me feel bad about bringing it up. Its so heartbreaking though and Ive hidden it and covered over it because she KNOWS what I want and need but withholds affection or love on purpose it seems for long periods of time to continue to test me waiting for some reaction. I HATE IT. I am so sick of this. I hate being treated like this...

and WORSE OK. I am getting to the sleeping in the car part. She is aggressive sometimes. When she cant get me to break from the constant picking me apart then she will just resort to pushing me around and standing infront of the door way so I can't leave. She calls me names and telling me to just hit her because she "knows I want to". I have never raised my hand toward her and I know she is not into rough anything. ITS CRAZY! I have to pull out my phone and start recording her standing infront of the door and not letting me leave. I have to run around her when shes acting like this and lock myself in my car and sleep there instead of inside the new house I just bought. 

Ive really had my eyes open and been slapped upside the head through all of this. I was unaware that people like this even existed. They can go months without giving or receiving affection and seem to thrive when there is some power to be had in means of control.

She is the biggest control freak I have ever meet. She is misrable unless she is in control. I can't have a thought to myself. She has to control everything it seems or try to. Even to the point of controling the emotional state of other people around her. Its INSIDIOUS! I started looking up behaviours from my wife and narcissist personallity disorder comes up over and over. Yes and its bad. 

Whats worse and horrible is that it all translates through our whole marriage. I can't walk outside without the right sandles on or else she flips out on me(no pun intended). I can't tell her maybe the guy at the zoo is wearing the only pair of shoes he has then she instead starts attacking me. 

I dislike the way she talks about other people also. I was so horrified to see this displayed over and over. A few months ago she calls me after dark telling me she got in a car accident. She hit someone. So I race home and she hit a neighbors car who we didn't know in the parking lot. I get home and am looking around and she gets mad at me. She doesn't want them seeing me because she thinks she can get away with it and has no plans on leaving a note for them even though she hit their car. Its total crap. We are not even on the same planet. I love other people and she causes me to be someone who I am not. She is constantly mad at me for wanting to give other people presents on their birthday. Even her family or flowers to her mom for her birthday. I don't get it. Its total craziness. 

Its so hard being around someone who always is holding something over your head. Its a control thing. There is always something held against me. She is upset for long periods of time and will lie about it when I try to sit her down or even just ask her is she ok. She will never tell me the truth about what is wrong because then we could work on it but its hidden so that there is no right answer. She wants to live this way forever it seems and I have about had enough. 

Please tell me I am crazy for putting up with this for so long. I feel like I am wasting my life. I don't want to wind up like our old neighbor. That poor old bastard. Always when we are walking by we hear his horrible wife just railing on him saying nasty things like "you are only going to live so much longer and you are stuck with me" always yelling at him. He is so sweet I NEVER hear him but ALWAYS hear her. Please GOD don't let that be me. My wife would comment..."well he deserves it." "If you let people treat you badly then you deserve to be treated that way." I know I have heard other people say the exact same thing. I think that is total crap. 

What are you supposed to do when you tell someone for better or worse and you marry them? How far do you let the worse go? How badly do you let your spouse treat you before you say thats enough?

She has kicked me between the legs recently and don't get me started on the sexual disfunction in our marriage. Its been a literal Hell. So I don't even go there with her. She seems to avoid intamacy like the plague. I don't pressure her about my needs and so I feel so alone in my marriage. She won't touch me and if I masterbate even in the bathroom with the door shut because I haven't had sex in a week she will get on to me and tell me I am sinning and am on my way to Hell. I hate this...
I will rub her whole body for hours and she will just tell me that she is doing me the favor of laying there. WTF. I have never been so insulted in my whole life. I do a really good job at whatever I do and love to please. I try so hard to make this person happy but it just seems like they live to be miserable. 

Ok so to match all this up even further with more craziness I very foolishly took the offer and followed an original plan of transitioning out of my 9-5 and working a different career but now for her dad. So guess who calls the shots with her dad. SHE DOES. She orders her parents around and has zero respect them either. So IM SCREWED RIGHT NOW. Like I said I feel so hopeless. 

The only consolidation at the moment is that she is staying over there. We got into a fight and she said she wanted a divorce and left. She has said threatened divorce over me many times and I am not begging her to come back this time. I am so freaking lonely but at least I am not sleeping in my car in the garage. 

Am I wasting my time? Life is so precious and I wanted to do things the right way by showing self control and agreeing to not have sex before marriage. I am in my mid 30s and feel so lonely and so horny. All I wanted was to be married and have a family. Not have blue balls and be emotional bounced around like a freaking basketball. I still look at myself in the mirror and ask myself is this really my life. How did I end up like this? I am hardworking and pretty good looking but wow.

So for the time being I am stuck working for her dad which could also have the plug pulled at any moment I am thinking. I am willing to work hard and do what it takes but this whole thing has me jaded. The harder I work and the more I give the worse I am treated. And NO I am not a push over ok I am a nice guy but I have learned boundries. She has TONS for me when I had NONE for her but I have learned the hard way. 

I feel so trapped and hopeless and alone as I am writing this.

Thanks for reading I'm sure I will write more. I could write volumes about controlling destructive behaviors but this is one of my first posts on this site.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

If she is acting as you say, divorce. She is not even remotely acting as a wife should.
No discussion, have her served.

After she's had her temper tantrum, IF she says she wants to stay together, MC, other wise, look up the 180 on this site.

It isn't to save a marriage, but rather to help you get distance and start separating your emotions.

If she is a woman that constantly crap tests you and you don't want the drama in your life, living by yourself is a more peaceful option.

Spend a couple of years getting yourself mentally & physically in a better place. You will find someone that appreciates you for you.

Also read No More Mr. Nice Guy for yourself.

After re-reading your post, see an attorney. Get everything drawn out on paper. Next time she threatens divorce, say that's a good idea, pull out the papers and give them to her.

Although, if she has outbursts, may want to have her served ASAP & stay away from her. She may try escalate & then call the cops saying you hit her. 

Served with a restraining order at the same time maybe??

Reread your post again, she kicked you between your legs? 
Attorney tomorrow morning, pay extra to have her served tomorrow.
At your age, you could sell everything you have & move to a new part of the country & work somewhere else.

She touches you again, call the cops. May want to carry a VAR, voice activated recorder, and turn it on when around her. Critical for the day she gets served.

You have to be willing to lose a marriage to save it, although, what are you really saving here?

Your living the modern day version of "The Taming of the Shrew"


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

I was in a marriage similar to yours, only yours sounds much worse. I stuck around for 12 years and then filed for divorce when I had enough. I went from HOPELESS to HOPEFUL!

Don't let this negative person suck the life out of you.

You need to ask yourself why you're tolerating this behavior. If you're afraid what others will think, screw them.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. 

LEAVE.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

weneedtotalk said:


> I am so happy to find this community.
> I have had such a crazy couple years of marriage. I have had very few people to talk to and even with the few friends outside of work I have I respect them to not dump all my personal marriage problems on them. I have been to counseling for many months but at the moment can not afford the $100 dollar sessions. I wish I could.
> 
> I have been married for 3 years now and am praying to God that someone would please tell me that I am CRAZY for putting up with this and that what I am going through is not normal.
> ...


Separate from her.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You are crazy 





If you don't divorce this crazy bieotch!


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

If divorce is too scary a word, then separate and offer her an opportunity to reconcile.; but expect her to prove herself.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

:surprise:


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

Machjo said:


> If divorce is too scary a word, then separate and offer her an opportunity to reconcile; but expect her to prove herself.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

How good are you in psychological warfare?

While the 'get out' advise is solid, I can't help but wonder why is the show going on...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

weneedtotalk said:


> Please tell me I am crazy for putting up with this for so long.


You are crazy for putting up with this at all. 

How old are the two of you?

How long did you date her before you married her?



weneedtotalk said:


> I feel like I am wasting my life.


You feel like that because you are wasting your life.

If you work 9-5 and have 2 businesses, how many hours a week do you work?

If you also clean house, cook, etc, what does your wife do? Why would you agree to a marriage where you wife does nothing and you do everything? She’s an adult, not a child. What responsibilities does she have? I don’t even understand why you would agree to a marriage where you are married to a adult who acts like an out of control, demanding child. What makes you think that this is what marriage is supposed to be like?


weneedtotalk said:


> I don't want to wind up like our old neighbor. That poor old bastard. Always when we are walking by we hear his horrible wife just railing on him saying nasty things like "you are only going to live so much longer and you are stuck with me" always yelling at him. He is so sweet I NEVER hear him but ALWAYS hear her. Please GOD don't let that be me. My wife would comment..."well he deserves it." "If you let people treat you badly then you deserve to be treated that way." I know I have heard other people say the exact same thing. I think that is total crap.


Your wife is right in that we teach people how to treat us. Your wife is an out of control pshycho. But let’s face it, you have taught her that it’s ok for her to treat you like this. You think it’s total crap? If you had stood up to her from day one, she would not be treating you like this.

Does your wife treat everyone she meets the same why she treats you? If she did, she would have been arrested and charged with assault, disorderly conduct or some other crime. Your wife has 100% control over her own behavior. You let her mistreat you. Her family lets her mistreat them. So, she mistreats her family and you. No surprise there.

I don’t think that this is a marriage that you should try to save. No normal person behaves the way your wife behaves. She probably has something like BPD. Plus, her family apparently raised her to act like this. 

You need to show your wife that you will not allow yourself to be treated this way. How do you do that, you file for divorce and do not stay in this marriage. Show her what happens to a person who treats their spouse this way. 

You are better off divorcing her as soon as possible. If you don’t divorce her ASAP, you will go on like this for years. She will have no work experience and you will end up not only giving her 50% of all your assets but paying her alimony. Put an end to this right now.

Do you have any children with her?


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You are crazy for putting up with this at all.
> 
> ...What makes you think that this is what marriage is supposed to be like.
> 
> ...


The moderators here don't advise divorce casually. You are in a truly abusive relationship, the same as if roles were reversed and you were screaming at her and she had to hide every night. GET OUT NOW. It will be hard and scary, at first, but the rest of your life will be better. Call and meet with 2 Men's Divorce lawyers before you tell her your leaving. Get your affairs in order and start the next chapter of your successful and happy life.


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## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

Hi Elegirl,


thank you so much for jumping in. You are right and I am coming to terms though with the "yes" she is treating me this way because I have been letting her. I would say though also that a lot of it has had to do with thought out conditioning. She is very clever with her words and can twist any situation and throw the whole thing in my face. Yes she has had years of training. I didn't see it coming and didn't know about things like this. I was very naive.

I have spent time with her family and see how they treat each other. Lots of emotional abuse. From my personal experiences its like every important life mile stone or some other very important event in life is always ruined. When I asked her dad if I could marry her he told me "ya but she is a real pain in the ass" so she could hear him causing her and I some real sadness and problems or at our marriage he never said congratulations. He doesn't not like me but they always have some little mean bit to say some little cut downs. Her mom does this constantly also. Its very challenging to be around.

When we announced that we were having their first grandchild neither of her parents said congratulations. So awkward! NO JOY whatsoever and they made sure to steal ours as well. They just looked sad and looked at the ground not saying anything. Stealing the all joy from a seriously precious moment. My wife just started crying. They were like whats wrong? We didn't do anything! I can't look back at any fond memories not spoiled by some cut down or I like to think of it as emotional abuse. So yes she has had lots of training and it obviously has translated into our marriage. Every special moment robbed of joy. Sabotaged with an attitude or a word or even just an expression of unproval. 

I am treated like I am a child that needs approval or permission to pretty much do anything. I have exhausted myself and ruined myself being trained to exhibit approval seeking behavior around her. I am constantly told to grow up or act like a man or stop acting like a little girl. She acts like a bully in highschool which causes me to believe that there is a lot more to this story then she has told me. Its like she is stuck emotionally somewhere in the distant past and has not matured into adulthood. 

Until now I really haven't had this kind of support to even express this to anyone openly. I left things out while talking to my relationship counselor because I was afraid of losing our child. We have a 2 year old daughter who she has accidently hit while trying to hit me. It wasn't hard but it still happened. She will do this in front of her and I am just like wow how is this my life? So us being apart is almost better for our daughter at this point. She tells her as they are leaving that "look at what daddy is doing to us" "look at daddy hiding in his car isn't he silly" with evil in her eyes. I'm going to write a book one day about this I promise. 

So with that being said about not having the support to change things I think I had fallen into the category of being afraid of not knowing what to do about this. It has taken me all by surprise and I had never seen people act like this except on tv. 

Im sorry for not getting to everything you asked but need to leave for work and will be back later. 

Thank you everyone for your comments


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Did it ever occur to you that her parents weren't congratulatory when you announced your marriage and, later, the pregnancy because they know she's a freaking nightmare of epic proportions and felt sorrow for you and the poor kid?

If you have any sanity, self-preservation, and sense in you, you'll divorce this "woman", give your kid at least one normal household to fall back on and at least one normal parent to emulate.

Also, I completely agree with your wife. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. You do need to stop acting like a little girl, protect yourself, and protect your child, from this evil.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"Please tell me I am crazy for putting up with this for so long."

ok, first things first. YES, you are crazy for putting up with this period. forget the 'so long'.

i see others have been there too (edward, sun mars). yes, i too remember sleeping in my truck numerous times after one of ex's freak outs.
maybe you married my ex.? best thing i did in my life was getting out of that deal.

get out, separate. get another job. everyone else is saying the same thing. do it!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What do you want? 

You can't have a marriage with this person. She is broken. You can't change her either. That's something she has to face on her own. 

Things will only change if you do. 

If you stay with her it will only enable her not to face the consequences of her behavior and destroy you and your child in the end. 

Where is your confidence as an individual to be able to say no to such abuse? 

You need to face a bad situation not hide in the car. Even though you can't cure it, you must mitigate it, for the sake of you and your child. 

Call a lawyer... find out what your options are. Don't you deserve better? 

Your counselor seemed ineffective helping you with boundaries for abuse. You need a new one (when you can afford it)! 

You also need to find a safe person to talk to IRL, friend or family (preferably a male). Find a men's group in your area, asap ...look for them in churches, social services, on meetup or just google one. 

Here, read these asap. 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No 

Best

@Uptown


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

weneedtotalk said:


> Until now I really haven't had this kind of support to even express this to anyone openly. I left things out while talking to my relationship counselor because I was afraid of losing our child. We have a 2 year old daughter who she has accidentally hit while trying to hit me. It wasn't hard but it still happened. She will do this in front of her and I am just like wow how is this my life? So us being apart is almost better for our daughter at this point. She tells her as they are leaving that "look at what daddy is doing to us" "look at daddy hiding in his car isn't he silly" with evil in her eyes. I'm going to write a book one day about this I promise.


This can severely scar your daughter emotionally over time. You need to protect her from this. Secretly film these interactions if you can to help you get child custody. If you really want to save the marriage, at least legally separate and get sole custody based on child abuse. Then you can reconcile from a safe distance if that's what you want, but don't get back together until she's proven herself if she ever can.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Do you really need to be told to divorce this woman?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

weneedtotalk said:


> thank you so much for jumping in. You are right and I am coming to terms though with the "yes" she is treating me this way because I have been letting her.


Though I did not say this earlier, it’s a 2 way street. You have taught her that it’s ok for her to treat you badly. After all if you were not there, she could not treat you that way. Or if you had let her know from the very start that the first time she treated you like that you would leave her, she might never have even started to treat you that way. 

However, there is another side to the coin. The vast majority of people would never dream of treating another human that way. There is something very wrong with her. And there is no way that you, or anyone, should stay one day with someone who treats them the way your wife treats you.

In your OP (original post) you said “I know that women will indeed test men to see what they are made of, to see if they can trust them for example being cold or mean or distant to see if you will lose your **** or come unglued.”. To be clear, NO, women (as in all women) do not do this. There might be a small segment of immature women who do this. But there is an equally small segment of immature men who do this. So basically some small percentage of immature people might do this.

But your belief that somehow women, as a whole, are defective is part of why you put up with the horrible treatment your wife has put you through. Here is a boundary for you to learn. If you are with someone who does **** tests, dump them immediately because they are a nasty game player. I was married to a man who used to **** test all the time. I stupidly made excuses for him. Though I did eventually get smart and left him. You are doing the same thing, making excuses for your wife’s bad behavior.



weneedtotalk said:


> I would say though also that a lot of it has had to do with thought out conditioning. She is very clever with her words and can twist any situation and throw the whole thing in my face. Yes she has had years of training. I didn't see it coming and didn't know about things like this. I was very naive.


She does not sound clever at all. Instead she should mean and hateful. Is it that she is very clever? Or it is that you are easy to push around emotionally? If you know that she is ‘clever’, why are you not clever enough to not buy into her nonsense?


weneedtotalk said:


> I have spent time with her family and see how they treat each other. Lots of emotional abuse. From my personal experiences its like every important life mile stone or some other very important event in life is always ruined. When I asked her dad if I could marry her he told me "ya but she is a real pain in the ass" so she could hear him causing her and I some real sadness and problems or at our marriage he never said congratulations. He doesn't not like me but they always have some little mean bit to say some little cut downs. Her mom does this constantly also. Its very challenging to be around.


You saw an emotionally disturbed family, but you married into it anyway. Here’s another boundary for you. Get to know a woman’s family before you commit to her. If they are emotionally disturbed, run from her and do not marry her. You knew what you were getting into, but you married her anyway.
Not only did you know what you were getting into when you married her, you knew what you were getting into when you quit your career job and went to work for her father/family. Exactly why did you do that? You need to take responsibility for your bad choices here. YOU did this, not her. She did not force you to marry her or work for her father… YOU chose to do these things even though you knew that you were entering the gates of hell. So, you need to do some real soul searching to figure out why you have knowingly made such bad choices. Why do you choose to do things that harm you?


weneedtotalk said:


> When we announced that we were having their first grandchild neither of her parents said congratulations. So awkward! NO JOY whatsoever and they made sure to steal ours as well. They just looked sad and looked at the ground not saying anything. Stealing the all joy from a seriously precious moment. My wife just started crying. They were like whats wrong? We didn't do anything! I can't look back at any fond memories not spoiled by some cut down or I like to think of it as emotional abuse. So yes she has had lots of training and it obviously has translated into our marriage. Every special moment robbed of joy. Sabotaged with an attitude or a word or even just an expression of unproval.


Do your in laws act like your wife with all the abuse? Or are they parents who happen to have a child like your wife who probably has untreated BPD and who treats everyone around her horribly? I cannot tell the little bit you wrote.
I have a step son who I raised from age 10. He’s 30 now. When he got married, his father and I were not happy. We could not pretend to be happy. Why? Because he has serious mental health issues and we knew that the marriage would be a horrible relationship. We knew that any children in the marriage would have a horrible life. We also knew that any woman who would marry him would have similar mental health issues. And sure enough, it turned out that way. Their relationship sounds a lot like yours… except that both my stepson and his wife are like your wife.

If they ever have a child I will be horrified for the child. So I too would probably not congratulate them for making the very bad choice of brining a baby into the mess that is their relationship. His wife actually has a child from her previous relationship… 3-year-old boy. Thank goodness, the boy’s father sued for 100% custody and won.
I don’t know if your in-laws caused the problem of their daughter, or if their daughter has something like BPD and has created the family problem and drama all by herself. It happens. Sometimes good parents end up with children who are mentally ill and who themselves terrorize their family. IN our case, we got rid of the drama that my stepson causes by cutting all ties with him. He is no longer allowed to come anywhere near us. And life is much better.


weneedtotalk said:


> I am treated like I am a child that needs approval or permission to pretty much do anything. I have exhausted myself and ruined myself being trained to exhibit approval seeking behavior around her. I am constantly told to grow up or act like a man or stop acting like a little girl. She acts like a bully in highschool which causes me to believe that there is a lot more to this story then she has told me. Its like she is stuck emotionally somewhere in the distant past and has not matured into adulthood.


No, you allow yourself to be treated like a child. You would benefit from getting into counseling and learn how to stand up to this sort of situation. Additionally, you would do yourself and your children a huge favor by divorcing her. Then your children could spend 50% of their time with you, away from their abusive mother. Does she treat them the same way that she treats you? They really need to be away from her as much as possible.


weneedtotalk said:


> Until now I really haven't had this kind of support to even express this to anyone openly. I left things out while talking to my relationship counselor because I was afraid of losing our child. We have a 2 year old daughter who she has accidently hit while trying to hit me. It wasn't hard but it still happened. She will do this in front of her and I am just like wow how is this my life? So us being apart is almost better for our daughter at this point. She tells her as they are leaving that "look at what daddy is doing to us" "look at daddy hiding in his car isn't he silly" with evil in her eyes. I'm going to write a book one day about this I promise.


You need to see a counselor of your own, not a marriage counselor. And you need to see an attorney to plan your divorce and make sure that you get as much custody as you can. If you have any proof of her hitting you and domestic violence you need to use it. If you record domestic violence, call the police and have her arrested to get a record of her violence. If you get a divorce, do not tell her that you are getting one until the day she is served. That will give you time to get the case going.


weneedtotalk said:


> So with that being said about not having the support to change things I think I had fallen into the category of being afraid of not knowing what to do about this. It has taken me all by surprise and I had never seen people act like this except on tv.


You might feel a bit beat up by this post but I’m not trying to beat you up. I’m trying to give you a swift kick in the rump to get you to wake up and save yourself and your child.

Do you have any friends or family member?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

It could be borderline, rather than narcissistic, personality disorder. @Uptown


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

My husband was with his ex for 20 years, she has medically diagnosed mental health issues. All I have for you is this, get out now, the longer this goes on the harder it will be to get out later. Protect your child as the odds of her developing MH issues are higher than the norm due to having a parent with MH issues. 

My husbands ex is getting worse as time goes on, her kids are all but grown up, moved in with us full time and she has basically spent her divorce settlement (huge amount of money). It is sad but her future is very bleak. 

Do not let your life be ruined by your wife, she is ill and potentially not fixable. Your obligation is to your daughter and yourself. Get some good, professional support.

There is a far better life beyond the crazy train, get off the train now!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well.... There's this "in sickness and health" part of wedding vows. If someone is this much incapacitated due to mental health issues, is it likely they can even comprehend what's going on during a break up?

Start with a thorough mental health evaluation and go from there. If she refuses at least you tried. 

And make the whole process humane. I'm speaking from experience.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

weneedtotalk said:


> I started looking up behaviours from my wife and narcissist personality disorder comes up over and over.


WNTT, I agree with you that you're describing a strong pattern of narcissistic behavior -- e.g., her arrogance, strong need to be "Special," manipulative lies, strong feeling of entitlement to special treatment, and inability to love. 

I also agree with @*EleGirl*, @*Anchor*, and @*Ghost* that you're describing many BPD symptoms -- e.g., her event-triggered rages, impulsive and risky behaviors, verbal abuse, and physical abuse. As a victim of your W's physical abuse (e.g., kick between your legs), you may be interested to hear that the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. 

One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD.

Importantly, this combination of both NPD and BPD symptoms is quite common. A study of 35,000 American adults found that 41% of the female narcissists also exhibited full-blown BPD behavior. That study also showed that a person having one personality disorder usually suffers from at least one other PD as well -- together with at least one clinical disorder (e.g., anxiety, depression, or PTSD). See Table 3 at *2008 Study in JCP*.



> I have been to counseling for many months but at the moment can not afford the $100 dollar sessions.


I recommend that, as soon as you can afford it, you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your daughter are dealing with. 

I also recommend that you read the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder_. Moreover, I suggest you learn the red flags for BPD -- just as you did for NPD -- so as to be able to better protect yourself and your daughter.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD and NPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD and NPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, WNTT.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you want your daughter to be exactly like your wife, then keep doing nothing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

john117 said:


> Well.... There's this "in sickness and health" part of wedding vows. If someone is this much incapacitated due to mental health issues, is it likely they can even comprehend what's going on during a break up?
> 
> Start with a thorough mental health evaluation and go from there. If she refuses at least you tried.
> 
> And make the whole process humane. I'm speaking from experience.


*Hell, @weneedtotalk ~ Anyone with a scintilla of a brain, or even with raging BPD can utter marriage vows verbatim and still not have the first damned clue as to what they remotely mean or entail!

To protect yourself, as well as your precious child, you need to immediately schedule a long session with a good, seasoned family-law attorney to explore all of your property as well as your custodial rights!

You need to be away from her and her mentally warped family like yesterday!*


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## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

You are not going to like this part either. Yes but they are on the other side of the country. I met her online and moved away isolating myself from my friends and family on accident. Yes some soul searching needs to be done.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer to find out the best way to extricate yourself from this marriage and relationship.

There is no good or best time to separate or divorce. There is no easy time to have a hard conversation. I mention this because many of us delay doing things until we can find a better time to do it. Financially it may seem like a bad time to divorce, but there is no good time financially. It may seem like a bad time because of other family matters or because of kids, but there will always be other family complications.

Talk to a lawyer, and talk to a psychologist. Lawyers will give a free 15-30 minute consultation where you can find out how things generally work in your area for someone in your situation. The lawyer can advise you on how to proceed, and how to document her behavior.

I think you should look for a different employment arrangement, too.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Currently you are her chump.

The only one keeping you there is you.

Better wake up


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

1) why did you marry this crazy woman????
2)why did you have a child with her???
3) she is violent and an abuser and you need to leave asap. NO ONE should have to put up with violence and cruelty. 

I am very supportive of marriage and in most cases think that people will leave too easily, but when it comes to a person who behaves in such a vile an abusive way I cant see what other option you have. She will never admit fault and your life will be a living nightmare. 

Her parents are largely to blame as they clearly set no boundaries or disciplined her. They created a monster. They seem messed up as well. 

One of my concerns is that you will one day see red when she provokes you and then you will be arrested and have you life ruined. You will lose everything, she wants that to happen. 

Please leave. File for divorce and get right away from her. I am sorry that you have a child because it makes it all so much harder. Keep records of all she has done and does. Maybe even installing a camera and recoding device. I hope you will be able to get full custody as this child will be completely messed up with a mother like that and will probably end up the same as she is. You need lots of proof of her abuse so that you can get that child out of that situation. . 
Get legal advise.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

weneedtotalk said:


> Yes but they are on the other side of the country. I met her online and moved away isolating myself from my friends and family on accident. .


Stop making excuses and stop being a victim. This was no accident. This is the result of hundreds of intentional decisions and acts that you made. 


It's fun to blame circumstances and feel things just happened to you so as to relieve you of any responsibility. 

But if you aren't responsible, then you are also powerless. 

You have been weak and spineless and blaming other people and circumstances for your woes and this is where that has got you. 

If you accept responsibility and hold yourself accountable for your decisions and actions, then you can start making decisions and taking actions to get yourself out of this situation.

Grow up. Become a man. Grow a spine and some balls and make some hard decisions and take the appropriate actions to fulfil those decisions.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Stop making excuses and stop being a victim. This was no accident. This is the result of hundreds of intentional decisions and acts that you made.
> 
> 
> It's fun to blame circumstances and feel things just happened to you so as to relieve you of any responsibility.
> ...


Do you know the details of his circumstances, his mental state, is financial state, and other such factors? If it was so easy for him, I don't think he'd be here asking for help.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Machjo said:


> Do you know the details of his circumstances, his mental state, is financial state, and other such factors? If it was so easy for him, I don't think he'd be here asking for help.


I didn't say anything about it being easy, cheap or painless. 

I said many intentional decisions were made and many affirmative actions were taken that lead him to where he is today. It was no accident and it was no fluke of circumstance. It was decisions he made and actions that he took that brought him to his current state of affairs - which include his mental state and financial situation. 

It will take hard decisions and challenging actions to improve his life and situation.


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## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

thank you so much


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## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> If you accept responsibility and hold yourself accountable for your decisions and actions, then you can start making decisions and taking actions to get yourself out of this situation.


thank you for that


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## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> 1) why did you marry this crazy woman????
> 2)why did you have a child with her???
> 3) she is violent and an abuser and you need to leave asap. NO ONE should have to put up with violence and cruelty.
> 
> ...


thank you very good advise. I have struggled with wanting to stay and do everything possible but its obvious what I need to do. Thank you


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