# Not sure whether to stay or not!



## aavgeek (Oct 17, 2011)

Hello,
I apologize for the length, but I feel the details are important. If you need more information, please ask! Thanks.

I hope you good folks can give me some advice or at least lend me an ear. I’m trying to decide whether or not to file for divorce. I am unhappy with my marriage, and am starting to see ill effects on my health due to the stress of the bad marriage.

My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We had known each other for about a year when we married. We have no children and are not planning on any for a few years. No house. No debt. We married because we had similar values, interests, and thought we wanted the same things in life. We felt like we were a good match. My wife has the potential to be a wonderfully sweet, and caring person. 

My unhappiness with the marriage started with our wedding night. My wife didn’t want sex at all. She did not want me to see her undressed, didn’t want me to touch her in a sexual way or anything. I was allowed to kiss her, but anything sexual was off limits. We did not have sex until the third or fourth day of our honeymoon. Even then, it was a short deal and that was it. All of this set off a red flag telling me that something was wrong, and I was in for quite the rollercoaster ride.

During our first year of marriage, my wife was preparing for her piano senior recital. This was the last piece for her music degree. She was gone most of the time practicing piano. During our first year, I worked ½ time, went to school full time, as well has kept the household running. I honestly felt like I had a roommate that I had sex with occasionally. On top of this, the birth control pills that my wife began taking a month or two prior to the wedding began causing her severe clinical depression. During this time, there were many nights I was in tears because I hated my life. I had an unhappy marriage, as well as a broken wife. 

I was frustrated because I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to. My wife was only interested in her music. By the way, she is a perfectionist. She was too busy to do things with me, and made me feel guilty that I was taking away from her practice time when I asked to go for a walk, or take 20 minutes for sex, etc. She was often very irritable and mean. There were many times that I wanted to leave her.

I told myself to hold on a little longer, once we get through the recital things will be ok. Well, a year and ½ later things are not. My wife is still depressed. She is on medication, and it helps, but not much. She has been going to therapy for about a year and a ½. I don’t feel like she’s improving.

Here are some of my concerns with the marriage:

1.	My wife doesn’t seem interested in me or being a wife. She is interested in her school work including math, chemistry, neurology, etc. She cannot fathom the idea of taking less than 14+ upper division college credits per semester. Her normal load is about 17 credits per semester. I feel like I take a back seat to science. She doesn’t have time for any housework, and claims it bores her incredibly active mind to do such tasks. Housework, and cooking does not provide enough mental stimulation for her. She wants to be a scientist and tells me to get used to this life style, because this is the way things will be for a few years while she gets her degree is something sciencey. I know that all housework and cooking is not her responsibility, but I currently work fulltime and am finishing my PhD and am expected to do most of the work around the house, or it doesn’t get done. I have expressed my frustrations about being lower priority than her academics, and she claims that is not the case and that I am important. Whatever.

2.	I am concerned about my wife’s mental health. Schizophrenia runs in her family. Her aunt is locked up in an institution. Her cousins are not instultionalized but require frequent monitoring. My wife shows some of the signs of schizophrenia, but vehemently denies that she has those symptoms, and that her schizophrenic relatives are not mentally ill. She claims they have learned schizophrenia. When it comes to mental health, she refuses to see anyone but her counselor (who is kind of a dope). I personally think she needs an evaluation by a psychiatrist. She has been reading numerous books on psychology and mental health, and acts like an expert in the field. She claims there is nothing wrong with her, and that she just has depression. I have had people tell me and my family that they have seen my wife walking around yelling at people that are no where to be seen. She has also been very paranoid about people out to hurt her and cause her problems. She is convinced her professors were trying to fail her. Others have wondered if something is wrong with her, and commented that she acts disturbed.

3.	She’s difficult to get along with. You cannot tell my wife she is wrong. She will not listen. Instead she will claim that you are wrong, and are trying to boss her around, and upset her, and that she is right. She will not listen to anybody. You cannot correct her on anything. She acts very immaturely in public when she doesn’t get her way. She has very few friends, and cannot figure out why. 

4.	Sex is unfulfilling. My wife is not interested in sex, at all. She has said several times that she could live without it and be perfectly happy. Sex does nothing for her and doesn’t mean anything to her. She says that most women are not interested in sex, and have no desire for it at all. I thought she felt this way because of her depression, but I think that if she wasn’t depressed, she would have felt this way anyway.

5.	She does not get along with my family, and wants to move me as far away from them as possible. Preferably to the other side of the country. We currently live about 80 miles from my folks, and she thinks there needs to be more distance. My family does not like her, nor she them. This is hard for me, because I cannot spend holidays with my family, and have to visit, speak on the phone, etc in secret.

This is hard for me, because I have spent the last 2 years of my life regretting marrying this woman. I am to the point in my life, where I am ready to move on, meet another woman, and begin raising a family. I’m nearly 28, and I’m just not happy with where life has taken me with this marriage.

We have been to marital counseling. The counselor at one point told me that he is amazed I had not left her yet. He said that most men would have left a long time ago. Also at point in the counseling, he suggested that we should just get a divorce. I also went to some personal counseling for me, and my counselor suggested that I consider divorce, and that I should get my wife to a psychiatrist.

About 6 months ago, I talked with a divorce attorney, and he feels like this should be a straight forward and simple divorce. I am not sure whether to do it or not. Life will be a little lonely for a while. I am not sure what to do.

I have been patient because of her depression, but I don't feel like I can stand this any longer.

Thank you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So tell me again why you married this woman who you obviously have no intimate connection with?

You should move on, no kids, no debts, find someone you can have the relationship you want with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> So tell me again why you married this woman who you obviously have no intimate connection with?
> 
> You should move on, no kids, no debts, find someone you can have the relationship you want with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree.

This is also why I promote pre-marital sex. Not in a wh0rish way, but in a committed relationship way. Life's to short to marry into this life sentence.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

If it was "learned schizophrenia" then I would have thought, being such a bright and sharp person, that your wife would have researched into that and ironed out all those behaviours by now. Maybe she does have schizo symptoms but is too ashamed (or can't admit it to herself) to get it looked into. This is because of social conditioning where it is traumatic to label yourself as "one of those people". But unfortunately, the mind doesn't lie and if she's not careful those symptoms are going to come out big time, whether she likes it or not. Only then can science help her - medication. But a lot of schizophrenics live normal lives with the proper medication. So really it isn't as bad as it seems.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

aavgeek- What you decide to do is completely up to you. People on this board can only give you advice and recommendations based on what you write about your relationship.

You lay out a compelling case for divorcing this woman-
1) Makes you her last priority emotionally
2) Has a family history of mental health issues, won't address them
3) Hostile argumentative demeanor
4) Won't have sex with you
5) Hates your family

Rather than tell you "divorce her a$$," or "pretend your balls don't exist and stay in the marriage," I will lay out the following thought experiment for you.



Imagine if you were sitting around with your best friend, and he laid out the facts of his marriage, and this was his story, instead of yours. Imagine if your friend was married to a woman who ignored him, argued with him, wouldn't have sex with him, hated his family, and might be mentally impaired to boot. If your best friend had no significant attachments to this woman, no house, no kids, no debt to speak of, what would you advise him to do?



Think about this a bit and perhaps clarity of purpose will come to you.



And that's important, because you are your own best friend.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

aavgeek said:


> We have been to marital counseling. The counselor at one point told me that he is amazed I had not left her yet. He said that most men would have left a long time ago. Also at point in the counseling, he suggested that we should just get a divorce.


Seriously, if a counsellor in a joint session said those things, you really need to listen. Two years of what you describe would drive most people crazy. Just by having endured that you can walk away without needing to feel any kind of guilt. If you do it now with no kids, debts or mortgage, it'll be way easier than if you leave it.


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