# Well, count me in the club



## NumbAndSad (Feb 8, 2011)

Hey all, I'm new but have been reading lots. My situation seems to be similar to that of many. My husband is having an affair. (It makes me sick just to write that.)

We've been together for 17 years, married almost 11. We have a 7 year old daughter. I never thought he would do something like this. We've been having a bit of a rough time for the past couple years, with deaths in both our immediate families (my mother, his stepmother), financial troubles, new jobs for both of us, moving to a different state, and some pretty serious medical problems for me. Obviously we have been stressed.

We've never been that good at expressing our feelings when things go wrong, and I think that my medical problems last year were the straw that broke the camel's back. Without going into too much detail, I was unable to have (and I'll admit it, uninterested in) sex for several months, and had had a very low drive for several years beforehand due to medication I was on. He didn't like this one little bit, and got mad, withdrew, and basically cut off all affectionate contact with me. Over a real, quantifiable medical problem for which I was receiving treatment! This made me withdraw as well, etc etc, vicious cycle. I tried to talk to him but he shut me out. He has slept on the couch since May 2010.

Now, however, my medical issues seem to be resolved (since November), and I am willing and able to reconnect in the bedroom. I _want_ to! But he won't even look at me. I've asked him multiple times to give up the couch and start sleeping in our bed again, but he just says that he's more comfortable on the couch.

I have been suspicious for a couple months that something was wrong, more than just the messed up me/him dynamic. Then one day in December, he left his cell phone on the counter after getting a text, and I saw the message. It was from a girl, and it was a bit more than friendly. I'm ashamed to say that I snooped through his texts later when he was asleep. I got her first name, some contextual clues, and her phone number from the messages. About ten minutes on the internet, and I found her. She's 20 years younger than my husband and myself (he's 41, I'm 39), and a relationship between her and my husband could potentially have repercussions on his career, so I don't really want to say anything else here, but it's a big old can of worms.

I have reason to believe they met last summer, and probably started having the affair in September or October. It is definitely an EA, and more than likely a PA. The signs (and pictures ) were there in the texts. She lives about five hours away from us, but they have had more than one opportunity to meet in person since October (due to hubby's job). They were actually at a conference together for a week, across the country, over New Year's.

I do FULLY accept that this horrible situation is at least 50% my fault for not communicating well, and for letting him withdraw from me. I feel like a horrible person for snooping. And I've felt unattractive and depressed for so long (see: medical problems, above) that my first thought after finding this out (after "WTF you *******") was "I don't really blame him for looking for someone better/nicer/prettier/etc.")

ANYWAY. I need help. I don't want to give up on my marriage. I really feel like I'm getting back to my old self (pre-illness), back to the person he used to love before medical issues sabotaged my body. I know we need to talk more. I feel like if we could just talk and talk and talk, we could work it out and get back on track.

My problem is I don't know how to start. I haven't confronted him about the affair. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I've been kicked in the gut. Hard. With steel-toed boots. To actually say the words out loud... well, if I don't say it it won't be real, right? I know it doesn't work that way. And I even feel awkward talking to him about normal things, because I know about this girl.

*Someone, please, I need a script.* How do I confront the love of my life and say these things? WHAT do I say? I'm scared that if I say anything he will own up to it, say he doesn't love me anymore, and ask for a divorce.

I can't say nothing, though. It's tearing me up inside. I can't go on like this.

Help.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hello Numb.

First thing you have to realize, is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Get that out of your head right now. It's going to be hard, but trust me, you have to STOP thinking this way. Yes, 50% your fault in the issues of the marriage, but your Husband is 100% at fault for choosing the infidelity route.

I'm not an expert at this by any means, only recently going through this myself. There are other, more qualified people on this site that will tell you about the steps you need to take, so I will let them explain the exposure of the affair, the 180 program, and the "carrot and the stick" approach, of which the official name I'm not sure - I think it's called Plan A, B, or something similar.

From my own experience, here is what you do not want to do (and others can correct me if I'm misleading or wrong. Again, this is just my experience with what I went through and what I used from the advice I got from here).
You don't want to blame yourself for the affair. That is wrong (as explained above)

When you confront your husband about the affair, he will most likely deny it. This is typical. You already have the evidence you need, so don't buy into the excuses. Even with the evidence, in my situation, I wanted to believe that they were "just friends" so bad, I drove myself "nuts", second guessing myself and thinking it was all in my head.

When you confront your husband about the affair, there is a high likelihood that he will turn the blame onto you, saying things like "Well, this is all your fault"; "If you weren't so snoopy and invading my privacy, this wouldn't be a problem"; "If you didn't have trust issues, then this wouldn't be an issue right now! See, it's all your fault!" Don't buy into this. I made that mistake, then felt guilty for bringing up the subject. It's been said before on this site, privacy is for the bathroom, secrecy has no place in a marriage. Your husband will do this because it's called "blameshifting". He knows its wrong having an affair, but putting the blame on you makes it easier on his conscious and guilt since it's now "your fault"

You don't want to sell yourself short, thinking that if you talk to your husband and use "reason" to make him understand that what is happening is wrong, then he will understand. He is in the FOG of the affair right now, and he won't listen to reason. Then you may want to beg him to stay. In my experience, this doesn't work either.

You have to be strong. You'll get some great advice from the awesome members of this site, but it will feel counter-intuitive, and more than a little scary. Read it all, and absorb it. But you will have to be strong and determined to carry it out. It took ME a long time to realize this, but eventually I took the advise, and carried it out. (With me, after a brief separation, my spouse came back and now we are working things out)

I feel for you! This is the worst feeling in the world! I wouldn't wish this feeling your having right now on my worst enemies (I also lost 25lbs in 4 weeks because of the stress.) Be strong! Stay Healthy! And remember the people on this site are very caring and only wish you the best in your situation.

There are some great web sites that I used during my ordeal, which you may want to check out and read through the articles and forums for more support: Marriagebuilders.com and Affaircare.com . These sites, along with this one, were my "bibles" during my experience. There are great resources there for you!

Sorry I can't offer you the "script", but I wouldn't be doing it justice if I tried to explain it. All I can say is that you need to be strong and you will get through this! Also, use these sites! It helps to talk, and to read. It gives you perspective, and it will give you strength!

Take care!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A few extracts for you, change the gender where required. 




> Before we even begin going any further, one primary thing you will need to decide is "Do I want to try to save this marriage?" The answer to that question is yours and yours alone to make, and believe me when I say no one will think less of you if you consider all options and say: "No, she broke her vows and I'm morally free to divorce, so I believe that's what I'm going to do." You have every right to seek divorce with a free conscience as she was sexually unfaithful with another man even if all they did was "mess around." The vow is to forsake ALL OTHERS and that means 100% of affection and loyalty are promised to you...not to some other man! So you're free, she is not, and it's up to you to reach that conclusion. Honestly the answer to that question will determine what you do next!
> 
> If you choose to divorce..you'd find an attorney, probably pack her things and ask her to leave firmly, and file. If you choose to work on saving the marriage, and if she were to choose to work on saving it too, then those three things that were mentioned to you are the cost of returning: 1) No Contact Letter and no contact with the OM EVER (which would probably require quitting her job), 2) Transparency which would mean both of you would be "see through" enough to no longer hide things from each other and you'd like your spouse see the Real You. You would both share email addresses, passwords, logins, etc. and both let the other look at your personal cell phone in order to prove you are being trustworthy. Now..YOU have not acted in an untrustworthy way so she shouldn't doubt you but hey, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? 3) Commitment which would mean you look at YOUR side of what contributed to this and make the effort to actually fix yourself and the marriage...and SHE looks at HER side of what she really did and actually makes the effort to fix herself and give you what you need to heal from this betrayal. If she decides she wants to return, those would be NON-NEGOTIABLE.
> 
> ...


Seven steps 

Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?


Plan A is :


> *The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A*
> 
> 
> The carrot of Plan A
> ...


You must plan this well and effect the initial confrontation and following exposure in a short time frame, the script says your husband and the OW will continue in the affair in some way.

Buy the book "Surviving an Affair" by Harley it will give you templates, background on affairs and a way forward . 

Wishing you well


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

The other posters are right in the respect that him having an affair was his choice, and not your fault, but you need to realize that by not meeting his needs, you make it a real possibility that he will look elsewhere to get those needs met. This is the danger when partners don't try and meet eachothers needs. I am in a similar situation with my wife, and while I have not cheated yet, if something were to come along, I would be very tempted to cave in. You need to confront him and hopefully go to MC together if you both want to make this work out. Hopefully, it is not too late.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Not a nice guy. I always said if my wife didn't have sex ... because she just couldn't because of a medical condition, no way could i possibly cheat. I mean, if you denied and and there was nothing wrong... than that's one thing. But methinks you had a legit exscuse for not being able to do it. Its a shame you guys couldn't of looked into other, no penetrative means to get by. Oral or thigh sex coulda helped. Confront him, be prepared to have some of the blame on you, but in the end, it was his weakness.


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## NumbAndSad (Feb 8, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm still digesting how I'm going to open the topic with my husband.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Sorry to hear of this. As someone else said, the A is NOT YOUR FAULT. BUT you are right that you are partly to blame for the decline of your marriage and intimacy. I WAS TOO! And I think that helps to accept and understand that. Years of fertility drugs took it's toll on my hormones, etc. so I was still physically able to have sex but didn't, lost interest, etc. Been there. I don't know how to tell you to confront your hubby - my H was outed by the H of OW and had to tell me. 

We did go to MC and we did work through the issues we had in our marriage. We are doing very well.

Good Luck to you!


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## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL! In a marriage, a husband and wife should support each other through any difficulty they go through...including the inability or lack of interest in sex because of medical issues. 

He had the affair for his own selfish reasons. It's way more than you not having sex with him. He may throw that at you as a form of attack but don't buy it. This is completely on him and his selfish immature ways. 

My heart goes out to you because I know how you feel. You checking his texts is nothing to be ashamed of. I did it and many of the people who have caught their spouses cheating have done it. It's your right to know if your husband is cheating. So please please don't beat yourself up over it.

Get some help. Find counseling ASAP...NOW...RIGHT NOW. You will need it now and through your road of recovery no matter what you decide to do or what he decides to do. 

Good luck to you ....I want to cry for you because I know your pain.

Read my story.


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## NumbAndSad (Feb 8, 2011)

Well, he just told me that he's going to be out of town next weekend for a work trip. Not to the city where she lives, but less than two hours away. I just know that she's going to drive down there and meet him. (If it actually is a work trip in the first place...)

My 40th birthday is next weekend. This is kind of a big deal. I can't believe he's going away, and hasn't even mentioned my birthday. Not even to say that he'll take me out to dinner or whatever when he gets back. I think he has completely forgotten.

I think I have less than a week to confront him about what's been going on. I haven't yet, but I did print out our itemized cell phone record for the past month. There were over 700 texts and 27 _hours _of phone conversations between them over the last month. Seeing it all summarized like that was horrible. Again, with the steel-toed boot to my gut.

I must stop being a chicken, and get this out in the open.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Confront then expose to his parents, siblings, your family and most certainly her family, friends and co-workers. Shake their tree.Do not let on what you are doing, if you require exposure words post and some will be provided. Plan what you are to do and follow the plan methodically.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

i, too, found out about hubbys affair after "snooping" and felt so guilty about that act that i had no idea how to bring it up. a good friend gave me great advice.

i went to him and said "i've done something horrible, and i need to tell you about it, but i'm scared to because i don't know what it means for our marrage."

i wasn't trying to be dramatic or anything, but it took several minutes after saying that line befoe i could tell him that i read his emails. i told him that i found out about XXXX.

then i pretty much waited to see what he would do. when he got angry and yelling, i said that i wasn't up for this right now, and went for a looooooooooooooong walk. it allowed me time to think.

you don't need to decide anything now, or even soon. and some decisions are not going to be yours to make. but stand up to the situation--you'll be surprised by how strong you are.

good luck.


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## NumbAndSad (Feb 8, 2011)

I just need to say this:

How stupid does he think I am, that I wouldn't notice all the time he spends on his phone? How stupid does he think I am, that I wouldn't check our JOINT cell phone statement and see what he's doing?

Arrgh!

(Thank you, that is all, now back to your regularly scheduled program... )


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> Well, he just told me that he's going to be out of town next weekend for a work trip. Not to the city where she lives, but less than two hours away. I just know that she's going to drive down there and meet him. (If it actually is a work trip in the first place...)
> 
> ...I think I have less than a week to confront him about what's been going on. ...


NumbAndSad, this weekend is a perfect time to talk to him. Why? Because it is Valentine's Weekend and this man made a promise to YOU before family, friends, and God to give 100% of his affection and loyalty to YOU...not so someone who is young enough to be his daughter. And to be blunt I would exactly follow the order of the "Seven Steps to Ending an Affair." 

For *#1--Gather evidence* to prove to YOURSELF that it's not "in your head" and that something really *IS* going on...well you've already done that. You said: 


> ...I did print out our itemized cell phone record for the past month. There were over 700 texts and 27 _hours _of phone conversations between them over the last month.


I'm sure you are convinced that this is not just you being jealous or you making a mountain out of a molehill. Even if they were "friends" no one sends a friend 700 texts and 27 hours of talking!!! So it is for real and it is adultery, and you can trust your intuition--your inner voice. 

For *#2--Confront*, this is you giving your husband notice of two things: 1) that you are aware it is an adulterous affair and 2) that you will not tolerate adultery and you're giving him a chance to do the right thing, admit it to you, end it now and work on the marriage. This gives him the MAXIMUM opportunity to do the right thing and end it with as much dignity in tact as possible. 

After #2, we do encourage you to go to *ONE* other person whom he is likely to respect (like a mentor, boss, pastor, or parent) to see if the wisdom of one other person might help them see that the way to handle this is to end the affair and rebuild. That step #3 is called "Disclosure" and again, this is to give the disloyal spouse (DS) the greatest opportunity to keep some honor and keep it private. After that we do encourage that you inform those who will likely be involved if there is a divorce--and we call that step #4 "Exposure." Some good examples of all the folks to tell are: his and your parents, his and your brothers and sisters, his and your employers, lifelong friends, your pastors or mentors. The reason these people would be told is that for relatives--their lives will be forever changed. They will lose half the time with grandkids, niece or nephew; or they will lose an in-law! They will be told that he's with another woman because you were abusive or sexless or something and if you ask "Well did you tell them you're having an affair?""That's none of their business!" Yes it is!! Maybe they would have said something or done something to encourage him to do the right thing and honor his vows!! Same for employers: if she and he met on company time the employer needs to know because company resources are being used for unwanted sexual activities, because productivity is reduced because they are engaging in sexual actions while on company time, and because you will be taking time off to go to court due to this unwanted affair. 

Anyway...this is ahead of ourselves. I just wanted you to know what is coming up. For now you are on *step #2* and you need to confront him. It doesn't need to be confrontational, but factual. So tomorrow, rather than stewing about it, change the password on the cell bill first and print out the last month as "evidence" (because AFTER you show him I guarantee you he will try to change the password, block you or move his phone so you can't see anymore). Then show him SOME (not all) of the printed out evidence. Tell him calmly and factually that a) you know about the affair and you know that this upcoming trip will involve adultery, b) you will not tolerate him sleeping with other women while on a work trip, c) you are directly asking him right now to do the right thing and end the affair tonight and keep it between you two. Just like that. Memorize that if you have to. 

I pretty much guarantee you that he will be mad, he will deny it is an affair, and he will somehow blame you (probably something like "How DARE you snoop through my phone bill!") If he does that, just be calm and tell him you suspected he would say that and it does not change the facts. The facts are that he promised to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS and give 100% of his affection and loyalty to you. Now you are calling it what it is--an affair--and you are asking him to end the affair and work with you to build a better marriage. 

IF..by some miracle...he is caught and admits what he's done, and says he'll end it, here's what's REQUIRED (you can't skip any one of these or it will not recover): 
1) No Contact
2) Transparency
3) Commitment. 
You can read all about those three things in the sticky topic or by clicking here: "Three Things Needed to Rebuild Trust"


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Numb,
Sorry this has happened to you. Before you confront him I want to suggest you think long and hard about how you want to approach him. Before you read on I will tell you straight (and I have never cheated on my W) that I take my vows very seriously. AND my W takes her vows very seriously. Her first vow was to LOVE me. Marital love without sex is like a hamburger without beef. Doesn't exist - at least not for a man. So lets be fair here. You BOTH broke your vows. If you approach it that way with him you are more likely to get to a successful outcome. 

His drive is higher than yours. Maybe much higher. His love language is likely much more physical than yours. When you stopped having sex with him and/or made it very clear you had no interest in sex what he heard and felt was "I do NOT love you". It would be one thing if you had been in the ICU of a local hospital. Quite another if you are basically functioning day to day. I am not saying this would have been easy for you. I am saying you "shut down sex" and when he withdrew you chose to see this as an acceptable ongoing situation. The thing is for a low drive spouse it IS perfectly acceptable. They don't care much about sex and can replace all their other emotional needs to a large degree through friends and family. But to the HD partner the ONLY way to replace their need for physical/sexual love is to cheat. 

I am not saying you are the bad guy. I am saying that a "normal" man, even one who is really committed - will do what he did. I have great self control. Straight up I have no doubt that I would have done the same thing in his shoes. 

My W has had 2 separate spells of moderate pelvic inflammation. Each lasted a couple months. BOTH times she made a good faith effort to ensure that I did not feel unloved, or sexually ignored. Both times she aggressively sought out medical resolution. 

In turn, both times I was sympathetic and patient and was considerate of her feelings. Neither episode caused bad blood in either direction. If she had shut down on me and basically let me know I should "suck it up and deal" we would have had a huge problem. 




NumbAndSad said:


> I just need to say this:
> 
> How stupid does he think I am, that I wouldn't notice all the time he spends on his phone? How stupid does he think I am, that I wouldn't check our JOINT cell phone statement and see what he's doing?
> 
> ...


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## NumbAndSad (Feb 8, 2011)

Everyone, thanks your support. I really appreciate it.

Affaircare, thanks for posting. I've been all through your website, and there are some really helpful insights there. It means a lot that you're so committed to helping people through this type of situation. I do think there is going to be some serious talking between us this weekend. I'm just still so scared of his reaction.

MEM, thank you for your well thought out post. I hear what you're saying, I really do, but I think I need to add a bit more detail in my own defense. Specifically, in response to:



MEM11363 said:


> His drive is higher than yours. Maybe much higher. His love language is likely much more physical than yours. When you stopped having sex with him and/or made it very clear you had no interest in sex what he heard and felt was "I do NOT love you". It would be one thing if you had been in the ICU of a local hospital. Quite another if you are basically functioning day to day. I am not saying this would have been easy for you. I am saying you "shut down sex" and when he withdrew you chose to see this as an acceptable ongoing situation. The thing is for a low drive spouse it IS perfectly acceptable. They don't care much about sex and can replace all their other emotional needs to a large degree through friends and family. But to the HD partner the ONLY way to replace their need for physical/sexual love is to cheat.
> 
> I am not saying you are the bad guy. I am saying that a "normal" man, even one who is really committed - will do what he did. I have great self control. Straight up I have no doubt that I would have done the same thing in his shoes.


Up until my more serious medical issues last summer, I had low drive but we still had sex. I did "make the effort." Maybe not as often in the past two years as in the early years of our relationship, but my medical issues were gradually becoming more serious, and he was aware of this. He made me feel like a bad person for being ill. 

Penetrative sex was impossible starting in May. There simply was no way around that fact. In the beginning, I did offer alternate intimate acts (even though I was exhausted, and often dizzy and nauseated), but he was not interested in anything other than intercourse. If he couldn't go inside, he didn't see the point. Kissing, touching, etc, would just lead to him getting frustrated because he knew it wouldn't lead to intercourse, he didn't want any other "release", and he would get mad at me and go sleep on the couch. *What am I supposed to do with that?*

Later in the summer, I'll admit I stopped trying. I was feeling physically much worse, and it simply wasn't worth the guilt. I had hoped that things would get back to normal after my issues were finally resolved in November. The acute condition that prevented intercourse was fixed, and I was off the medication that I suspected was causing my low drive. But he has continued to sleep on the couch and shut me out, despite the fact that I would love to have sex with him. 

Of course, now I know that he's probably been getting some on the side since about September.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Getting angry at a spouse for being medically unable to perform intercourse is very much bad mojo. 

I do think you are going to have to follow the Affaircare formula. I wish you the best.




NumbAndSad said:


> Everyone, thanks your support. I really appreciate it.
> 
> Affaircare, thanks for posting. I've been all through your website, and there are some really helpful insights there. It means a lot that you're so committed to helping people through this type of situation. I do think there is going to be some serious talking between us this weekend. I'm just still so scared of his reaction.
> 
> ...


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## NumbAndSad (Feb 8, 2011)

Well, I confronted him tonight. He admitted everything. He's been having the affair since July, which is exactly what I thought. It has been physical since September. Also exactly what I thought. 

He's not sure whether he wants to stay married to me. He said "I love you and I still want to be your friend." That sounds very much like ILYBINILWY. How formulaic.

We talked and sat in silence. Lots of silence. He could hardly look at me and said he felt horrible for what he has done. I asked if he would be willing to go to counseling together and try to work things out, and he said yes, so that's something, I guess. Then he left the house to go sleep in his office. 

I never in all my life thought I would be in this situation.

This has been the very worst night of my entire life.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you exposed the affair to her family, friends and coworkers , if not track their details down and start. Your husband walked out of the house, he will be on the phone to the OW making plans there is a way forward for you do not hesitate it will disadvantage you , first blow their cover ensure his family knows what he is up to and most certainly tell all on her side. There are words if you require a template. 

He has walked out, pack his bags and have them ready by the front door , secure finances for yourself , only and only if be agrees to full nc do you allow him back in. 

Read the articles in affairecare site and use them to support your way forward
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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