# I don't know what to do.



## fireeyes (Dec 10, 2012)

I have never been on any site like this before, and I am pretty nervous about writing online. This seems to be a safe place for me to share and hopefully get some guidance.

Background: My husband and I met when we were 18 but did not start dating until we were mid twenties. We married 4.5 years ago, i was 29 he was 30.
My husband has a temper. He is very quick to anger and even the most petty small things makes him very upset. Like if I forgot an item at the store, it would make him freak out and make me feel stupid. I knew this about him before we married, but accepted it as part of who he is. Almost 2 years ago, we had to move into his mother's house. Essentially we live in the attic, as it is the only place for any kind of privacy. However, when we fight, and we do every day almost, he is very loud that the neighbours can hear him. He insults me a lot when we are fighting. Calling me awful names that I can not post here with out getting banned. He calls me stupid and treats me like a child. He tries to "ground" me off items he has purchased as they are his (such as tv, computer etc). We used to have a joint account and he has since taken me off of it saying he wants to do our finances separate. He has not held a steady job since we have been together (almost 8 years now). I have had multiple jobs and never been off work. He degrades my job saying it isn't real because I start at 10 am instead of 6 am like a "normal person".

Two and a half years ago, I started to have stomach problems due to stress. Stress from him mostly, also with financial issues and other life matters. I am bleeding from my stomach due to stress (bleeding ulcer). I never had any stress issues before my husband came into my life. I am on medication and my problems get worse the more he yells at me.
I cry daily, sometimes all day if I have the day off from one of my jobs. I cry at night when I try to go to sleep. I have no self worth, as he rejects me constantly of intimacy. I feel awful about myself. I hate feeling like this. 

He constantly brings up divorce and how he does not want to be with me when "I am like this", generally speaking, if i do not do what he wants when he wants, i get yelled at or "scolded". I have called him out on the divorce topic before as he always says it then apologizes a day or two later. He then replies with I will stay with you so I can make your life hell. I am constantly saying I am not your servant. He really makes me feel awful when he says stuff, I feel like I am the worst wife in the world (he says that too). My friends and family all want me to leave him. But i love him so much..i don't know why. I would work all day and come home to him asking me to do this and that when all he did all day was play video games with his friends. He says things like he wished he never met me, and he made the biggest mistake of his life when he married me. 
He blames my family for not raising me properly. I think my family raised me just fine, and my family is also very loving, where his is not. They do not hug or anything, I find this weird, as my family are very affectionate. 

I do talk back to him when we start fighting as he blames me for everything that goes wrong in our lives, and I don't feel like I should just take the blame as that is not fair. 
I am so upset. I can't leave him as I love him SO much! Why do I love someone so much when they treat me this way?

Fortunately we do not have any children, just a dog, who would come with me if I was to stay.
It feels like he never wants to move out of his mothers and I can not stand it there. I have told him how depressed I am at his mothers and he just says i have to suck it up and grow up. He also has said unless i can pay exactly half of rent and bills, he will not move out with me. I do not make as much as him, as I have a car to pay for and it takes up most of my pay. There is no way i can pay half of everything and I have been searching for new employment to try to make more money. This makes me feel like we will NEVER leave that house! It is full of negative energy and I feel like I am dying inside, if I haven't already.

I have gone to counseling, alone, as he will not go. He says we don't have a problem, just me. I'm the one who needs counseling he says. 

Please help me. I don't know what to do and I am so very sad.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

You need to leave. Now. Even if it's just temporary. You really need to get away from him for awhile. I'd go see a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings. No spouse that treats another one like that is ever going to respect them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are being abused.

Go to the closest women's shelter and ask them for advice. They'll show you how to change things.

And also read this book: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And make a doctor's appointment and go to your GP and tell him this. Ask for some antidepressants. Don't tell your husband. None of his business.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Are you serious?
He constantly belittles you, makes you unhappy, calls you names, and a host of other CR*P that you put up with.
No one should put up with this. Get out now, and take your dog with you. Don't leave an innocent animal there to take what punishment he sees fit to dish out.
You deserve so much more than this.
My wife is sitting next to me, her take is this. You are in a ticking time-bomb situation. Leave when he is out, the sooner the better, don't tell him where you are, go to a shelter or somewhere you will have protection.
Don't wait until he changes because he won't.
GET A DIVORCE.


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Honey I'm the wife of the poster above. Not going to bother to log in, I will just use his profile.
Take this from someone who has been abused.
Your self worth is at an all time low. You stay with him because you think he is what you deserve. You can't see a way out, hence you stay there.
Leave. Give yourself a chance to find out what YOU want and need. Let your soul recover form the damage he has done, then you will see that you deserve much more than he can give you.
Don't wait for this to get any worse. 
You say you love him so much. You should love yourself more and know that this is not right.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Oh honey, my gosh. I am almost speechless. This is not life. This is a nightmare, but one you CAN wake up from! 

You absolutely positively NEED to go, ASAP. No questions. No explanations. He needs nothing from you & you owe him ZERO.

One fantastic & beautiful thing about your situation is this- No Children..music to my ears! This makes it so much more possible to cut the already weak ties that you have to him & be free.

You are so young & have all of life to look forward to! That is so hopeful! 

He has such problems & you have been the target for all his anger, for no reason. 

Let him go, pack it up & leave...no looking back! Please know this situation will only get worse, not better.

I agree with the others, do it while he is gone. Please be GOOD to yourself, (((Hugs!!)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

He's a real soul-sucker and I'm sorry for your situation.Even if you did have to spend a little time in a shelter you would be many steps up from where you are now.Find the strength at this turning point to make the choice to move on and find a happier more fulfilling life with someone who truly cares for you.We only get one go round at life and it shouldn't be lived in misery.Take care.


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## fireeyes (Dec 10, 2012)

Wow, thank you everyone for your advice and guidance. I have been told by my counselor to seek help from a women's shelter. This all makes sense to me. I know that I do not deserve this, but I can't bring my self to leave. I have tried, I even had my own apartment lined up at one time but I couldn't do it. 

I feel like I don't have the strength to deal with what will come after I do leave. And that is the hurt, the heartache and the utter emptiness I will feel. I feel like I would be giving up on him, as I vowed to be with him for better or worse!

Thank you so much, all your posts mean so much to me and I will take them all into consideration. I just have to somehow find the strength to leave and deal with the consequences.
<3


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Didn't even get past the second paragraph on this one

You are an abused spouse

Do whatever you need to do to get away from this man ASAP


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Right now: Think about the hurt, heartache & utter emptiness you feel TODAY, because of your situation & who you are with NOW. 

Please Do Not fool yourself into thinking that being in a toxic situation that is physically causing you illness, hurting your health, hurting your self-worth, etc..is better than having the freedom to be yourself, have peace, be calm, be happy, have a healthy self-esteem, healthy body, a chance for an amazing, loving relationship with someone who adores you, etc..because it definitely is not!! 

I see happiness in your future...after you gain perspective & adjust to life with just your beautiful self & your sweet dog, (which you will,) there is happiness. Go get it! : )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

..btw- do you believe for a second he is taking his vows seriously? He is not. 
There comes a point in life when words spoken at a ceremony are no longer valid & this is a perfect example. 
Your current life does not reflect those vows in any way other than staying together. 
But what is staying together worth if it's in a situation such as yours?
Recite new vows to yourself & pledge that you will hold yourself high & strong & do what is RIGHT for you- it's what you deserve. 
Vow to start fresh & open to the possibilities of a new, healthy life.
You owe yourself! Trust me..noone is going to take care of you, except for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soniaBliss (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi Fireeyes,
I agree with all of the other post. At times we think we should just put up with the abusive...and we make up many accuses to keep going in a marriage that we know has no saving, but we still stay, it could be out of fear of doing it on our own and begin alone. Until one day we wake up from a bad dream and say enough is enough and leave.
You are a strong person and whatever your decision is remember your life is worse it and you deserve to be happy, even if it's challenging in the beginning it will get easier.

Sonia


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## mhg's-wife (Dec 6, 2012)

fireeyes said:


> Wow, thank you everyone for your advice and guidance. I have been told by my counselor to seek help from a women's shelter. This all makes sense to me. I know that I do not deserve this, but I can't bring my self to leave. I have tried, I even had my own apartment lined up at one time but I couldn't do it.
> 
> I feel like I don't have the strength to deal with what will come after I do leave. And that is the hurt, the heartache and the utter emptiness I will feel. I feel like I would be giving up on him, as I vowed to be with him for better or worse!
> 
> ...


I have to say something else.

Sweetheart....giving up on him? Sounds more like you have given up on YOU. 
Marriage vows are sacred, yes, but there comes a point where you have to put it into perspective.
Is he upholding his end of the deal? Does he support you, care for you, cherish you, love and honour you?
"For better of for worse." There actually has to BE a better to make the worse bearable. 
Of course it will be hard to leave and deal with the fallout. That's when you surround yourself with people who care for you, love you, and will protect you. 
If you don't have the strength to leave by yourself, gather your supporters around you and hand the reins over to them. Sounds like you have a loving family. Ask them to step in and help you get away, that you need physical support and assistance. It can be as simple as them just being there with you to encourage you, to help you look forward and move on. You have to look after yourself and be kind to you, for the sake of your mental state and your health.

You only have one life. Don't waste it on someone that obviously has no wish to treat you decently.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

*GET OUT NOW!*

Not next year, not next month, not next week. *NOW!!!*

Figure out why you love an abuser so much AFTER you get out. You said you come from an affectionate, loving family and they raised you just fine. So you know what love means. This man DOES NOT love you. You're staying because of the wedding vows? That's BS. NOBODY vows to endure a life of misery, sadness, depression, and crying all day. I can't even print here all the horrible words that describe your husband.

He's living in his mama's home and tells YOU to grow up??

Take it from all the posters here. You are not seeing things clearly. You are not seeing the reality of the situation even though it's in your face. The reality is that you must leave.

I promise you - this is not love, and what you feel for him must be beaten down low self esteem disguised as love. It's a sick kind of love because there is no logical explanation for why you would love a half a man like this. YOu do not stay with an abuser for financial reasons.

Go back to your family. They love you. They know this man is bad for you. Please don't let this go on any more. He is a sick sick sick sick man who is making you question your own self worth. Please get out.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you are being emotionally abused and suffering from battered woman syndrome.

It becomes very difficult to leave in this situation & you will probably need outside help to do it. If you can take the first step of reaching out to one of your family members or your counselor to ask for serious support in getting away, you should do so immediately.

The fact that you're detailing the abuse and at the same time screaming that you can't leave because you love him is a symptom of the syndrome. Be strong in taking the first step.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you feel you can't do it on your own, then for heaven's sake, ASK FOR HELP.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You're in an abusive marriage and need to leave. The only thing that will change is that things will get worse.

The following resonated for me, as I well remember the craziness of this sort of thing:-



> He tries to "ground" me off items he has purchased as they are his (such as tv, computer etc).



I remember a night of being banned from using things, and eventually being told that I couldn't stand on my ex' kitchen floor because he paid for it. I asked the idiot if he wanted me to freaking levitate!

Seriously, OP - get out of there!


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

You need to get away from him now because he is mentally and verbally abusing you as well as controlling you. Leave now. He is not going to change, and I think you can see that after the amount of time you have been with him. No one, I mean NO one, deserves to be talked to like that. 

Think of this too, what if you had a child with him?
Chances are he would do these things to your child too. Would you want that? I hope not. Ask yourself this too, what if this was your sister or very best friend in the world going through it? What would you say to her? I would bet money you would say to leave him. 

Honey, this is not love, at least not on his part. I understand that you have feelings for him but my guess is its because you are scared and because this is what you are used to. Maybe you think you can't do any better, and this comes from years of being put down by him. He has killed your self esteem. 

Sadly my 20 year old daughter is in a relationship just like this. She won't listen to anyone who is warning her about her future, which will be just like your story here. The writing is on the wall. He beats her, cheats on her, puts her down and calls her names, he controls her, yet like you she says she loves him. :scratchhead: I don't understand this nor support this. This is classic abuse and so easy to spot for those who are on the outside looking in. Can you tell me what you would say to my daughter? Write it down and re read it. 

Sweetie, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let some mean lazy thug control you and belittle you any more. You are worth so much more than that. I wish my daughter could see that she is too.


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