# Taking Space



## confusedwife32 (Jul 24, 2015)

We aren't calling it separation, but we are taking space. My husbands choice.

We have been married 7 years with an almost 6 year old. We consider one another best friends, but we have had problems with our physical intimacy. My husband also said he felt emotionally abused by me which I am now realizing the things I did to cause that. 

We have taken space for almost a month, but didn't set clear boundaries. He was still telling me he loved and missed me which gave me hope and also confused me. We set clear boundaries this week in marriage counseling to take a clean break. Limited contact only relating to our child. I am doing my best to respect that and am trying to be focused on giving him the time he needs. 

He holds a lot of anger and resentment and hurt towards me for the things I put him through. In all honestly I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt him. I think I held anger as well for our lack of physical intimacy like he did. I have since been focused on working on myself and making changes. This last month he noticed change in me an actually complimented me. 

He told me he wants to spend his life with me and can't imagine me not being in his life. He just can't come home right now. I know he does love me, but it gets confusing. I want him home. Though I do know and agree if he comes home now things wouldn't be good. 

One issue is he has started seeing someone, and I do realize a lot of it is due to feeling desired. It bothers me, but I'm trying to just let it be and hope it fizzles out. He is discreet and I think it's mostly just the sex.

I know I can forgive and move past this. We have 8 weeks starting this week for our clean break and I am going to do my best to stay strong. I believe in my marriage. I am not perfect he is not perfect and we both need to change.

He is going to the therapist next week alone which I am impressed with to start working on his issues and anger. I will be going on a vacation we were supposed to take together alone, and my child will be going with a grandparent on a separate trip that we planned in conjunction. I think this will give a nice week break for him to see what it's like with no contact or access. I don't expect miracles to happen. I also think my trip alone will be good for me to separate from things a bit.

His belongings are still at my house and no discussion of divorce has ever come up and he still wears his ring. I am trying to remain positive, but I need some encouragement and hope at times.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

confusedwife32 said:


> We aren't calling it separation, but we are taking space. My husbands choice.
> 
> We have been married 7 years with an almost 6 year old. We consider one another best friends, but we have had problems with our physical intimacy. My husband also said he felt emotionally abused by me which I am now realizing the things I did to cause that.
> 
> ...


The one issue is the main issue now. He will resist coming home or reinvesting in the marriage as long as he is seeing someone? How long has the other person been in the picture?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He is seeing someone, yet you still "believe" in your marriage?

He wanted a clean break so he could date someone else. And you are apparently condoning it.

This really makes no sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is going on is classic. 

Your husband started an affair and you did not know about it.

When people cheat, they rewrite the marital history to make everything their spouses fault.

Then they say things like they need space. The reason he needed space is so that he can have a relationship with another woman. But he is keeping you on the side just incase things don't work out with her.

Asking for space is the first step in ending a marriage. It's a coward's way to getting the distance so that they don't have to take responsibility. Very few marriage every get back together after 'space', aka a separation.

You may as well stop the marriage counseling. There is no way to fix a marriage when one of the spouses is having an affair. The affair has to end and there has to me no contact at all before work can start on fixing the marriage. And the two of you have to be living together.

How can a marriage be fixed if you seldom see each other and he's dating?

Who all knows about the affair? 

Is she single or married?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I have a question, if you dated around, would he have an issue too? You can use the same argument he is and state that you need physical affection, or would you consider that cheating on your end but not his.

If you are not in a relationship, then you are a free agent and does he consider himself a free agent or is he just selfish where he wants you to wait while he tries other relationships out. I guarantee that he will probably verbally abuse you if you even talked to another man.

He is like a three year old who discards his toys but if another child picks it up, he will have interest in it again. It is seen in children and adults are no different.

Children see that object as a part of themselves, and when we are attached to another person, we do the same.

If you ever have the courage to try this experiment out, buy yourself flowers and state that a cute guy from work gave it to you and watch his reaction. There is a chance he will be violent, but the idea is that you are the toy he has discarded but has still some claim on.

Anyways, work on your issue and you are no longer his partner, something you have to keep in mind. Your anger issue you will have to work on because the odds are, any relationship you enter, will have the potential for the same results.

Putting someone down will decrease their worth and seek a need for validation from a safe source.

And please, do not trust anything he has to say to you either, he is keeping you hooked for safety reasons. To him, you are a safe bet if nothing better pans out. Imagine if he finds a female that boosts his ego and brings him fulfillment, you will not compare.

So, living on the hope he will return should not be the path to take. Rather, improve yourself and think that the relationship has run its course and is now over. Should you forge a relationship with him again, it will be a different relationship due to improved people.

And I know it is hard making logical decision instead of emotional ones. Your love for him at the moment is driving you to get him back because you are addicted to the hormones and neurotransmitters that thoughts of him release.

Take a step back and start detaching instead. Separation has caused you a level of codependency. Your logic center is greatly impaired with high levels of emotions and feelings. The choices you make could end up hurting you more. It is better to plan and think things through than rush in without a plan. If you want to be happy again, that has to start with you.	I have a question, if you dated around, would he have an issue too? You can use the same argument he is and state that you need physical affection, or would you consider that cheating on your end but not his.

If you are not in a relationship, then you are a free agent and does he consider himself a free agent or is he just selfish where he wants you to wait while he tries other relationships out. I guarantee that he will probably verbally abuse you if you even talked to another man.

He is like a three year old who discards his toys but if another child picks it up, he will have interest in it again. It is seen in children and adults are no different.

Children see that object as a part of themselves, and when we are attached to another person, we do the same.

If you ever have the courage to try this experiment out, buy yourself flowers and state that a cute guy from work gave it to you and watch his reaction. There is a chance he will be violent, but the idea is that you are the toy he has discarded but has still some claim on.

Anyways, work on your issue and you are no longer his partner, something you have to keep in mind. Your anger issue you will have to work on because the odds are, any relationship you enter, will have the potential for the same results.

Putting someone down will decrease their worth and seek a need for validation from a safe source.

And please, do not trust anything he has to say to you either, he is keeping you hooked for safety reasons. To him, you are a safe bet if nothing better pans out. Imagine if he finds a female that boosts his ego and brings him fulfillment, you will not compare.

So, living on the hope he will return should not be the path to take. Rather, improve yourself and think that the relationship has run its course and is now over. Should you forge a relationship with him again, it will be a different relationship due to improved people.

And I know it is hard making logical decision instead of emotional ones. Your love for him at the moment is driving you to get him back because you are addicted to the hormones and neurotransmitters that thoughts of him release.

Take a step back and start detaching instead. Separation has caused you a level of codependency. Your logic center is greatly impaired with high levels of emotions and feelings. The choices you make could end up hurting you more. It is better to plan and think things through than rush in without a plan. If you want to be happy again, that has to start with you.

Btw, you have a drive to be with him again, and what you are okay with now, odds are you will not be okay with soon. He placed you on the backburner, and you have not yet dealt with that emotion. You may not believe me now, but I hope you remember this later on when you reach the anger stage.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

You should be prepared to move on. He is using you as an alternate now, the classic Plan B. If he is seeing/having sex with another woman, he is not invested in the marriage regardless of what he may say or what he claims to feel. I know I would not wait around for my psrtner to have his "alone time" to date and try out other women. If he really wanted to stay married, he would be going to therapy with you, and not dating.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Space + Seeing Another Person = Divorce 99% of the time.

OP you seem like a nice lady but you need to come to grip with all the things other posters are telling you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You may call it taking space, I call it him having his cake and eating it too. He gets to have sex with other women and have you waiting in the wings in case he wants to come back. What did you put him through that he is so angry about? Does it have anything to do with sex? Are you two going to marriage counseling? It surprises me that you know he is having sex with other women but is still thinking positive and that your marriage has a chance. I'd tell him to come home and stop having sex with other women or I'm filing for divorce. How long are you going to let him string you along?


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> What is going on is classic.
> 
> Your husband started an affair and you did not know about it.
> 
> ...


Yep, agree.
My stbx said "he needed space to figure things out". Made it seem like he was going through some funk, depression, mid life crisis even. Turns out he was having an affair and that funk was his guilt.

Then proceeded to blame me and throw in a bunch of "what I didn't do" all the years we were married. I see now how much b.s. that was but at the time I was caught up emotionally that I allowed him to pull me apart.


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## confusedwife32 (Jul 24, 2015)

I guess I wasn't clear. We see a marriage counselor weekly. She is coaching us through this space right now. I am allowed to date as well. I'm just not there yet. Besides sex isn't something I'm really after. I can get sex anywhere. I want my best friend. I realize that may seem ridiculous, but I feel like if he needs to date this girl to figure out what he wants I can let it go. I'm not going to put my life completely on hold, but it's not like I'm desperate to rush into a rebound. 

Our counselor and I email often in between sessions about what I am feeling. His anger stems from when we first moved in together we were staying at his moms house. She and I differed quite a bit with our opinions. Then when I had a baby we really went at it. When we finally moved out her relationship and mine improved dramatically. Though my husband still has issues around it. Our sex life did not improve much and I do take responsibility for that. After my son was born I didn't lose the rest of my baby weight until I was finished breastfeeding. I've always had body image issues even though I'm told I am quite attractive. So our lack of intimacy was a combination of things. 

Anyway I was hoping some people were supportive about wanting to mend a marriage or maybe in the same boat. People make mistakes. We aren't perfect. I feel like if we have to go through this 2-3 months of hell t get to a better place it's worth it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some books that might help you.. read them in the order listed.

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"


You are taking responsibility for the problems in your marriage. If you want to fix this marriage. There are a few things you can do...

One is to stop taking the responsibly. It belongs to your husband 50%. 

I also suggest that you start interacting with him according to the 180 .. see the link in my signature block below. This will help you protect yourself emotionally.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Separated or not you are both still married and your husband is cheating on you. This is not something one's best friend does to one.

You should make it clear that while you accept that he needs to "explore his relationship with this other woman" you will not accept infidelity and will be proceeding with a divorce.

And also tell him to stop rewriting marital history to justify his affair which almost certainly started before he left the house. Everyone has mother vs wife problems and most men have to learn that a wife that you have made vows to and taken responsibility for comes before a mother and should be the person you are closest to in the world. Not an easy lesson to learn for many of us men (it took me time to figure that out).


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

How can you work on a marriage when some other person is fulfilling his needs? There will be less of a motivation to work on the marriage because he is receiving those feel good hormones from another person. He may be confused at the moment because you probably do not trigger the same in him.

Not to mention that since you are no longer behaving like a couple, the decoupling process has started. The stronger the attachment, the more need there is to stay bonded. Since he left, his bond to you is not as strong and you are an option at the moment.

He is testing out new branches and if they do not work, he still has grasp of the original branch which is you.

He is feeling secure at the moment, with two potential mate to compare. What happens if he does love her more eventually, will you let him go to be happy since he gets more of those feel good hormones from her? Will you remain best friends if he divorces you to be with her?

I hope you are not making the assumption that you will be one of the few that makes it pass a separation. Odds are not good for a marriage to survive separation since it helps with the decoupling process, or detachment. Love is a drive that needs reinforcement to stay strong. How else do you explain neglect destroying a love one person has for another.


You are asking advice on how to save your marriage, well it takes two and he needs the motivation to do so. If he does not fear losing you because you are waiting in the wings, what motivation or how much focus will he place into saving it. A threat of loss will shift focus to a threat, causing the person who feels threaten to pour more time and energy into saving the relationship.

You're a prime example. You are working on you, waiting for him, and this motivation comes from you losing him. He does not fear the same in return as you made it clear to him that you will wait.

Do not discount what your emotions will be after this whole thing ends. As stated, since the focus is placed on saving the marriage, you have not process your emotions yet, and not dealt with him leaving you.

Oh, and you think he is okay with you dating, the odds are that he is not. It is easy to say, but are you really nonchalant towards him dating, and what are the odds that he is truly okay with you dating as well. You do not know that for sure, since the reality is quite different when in practice. Words are just that until proven.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Him seeing someone is a big red flag. What did you give him a hall pass? At this point him seeing someone is equal to cheating. Why did you agree with this setup. He looks like a cake eater. So he tells you that it is all your fault? So next time he would have another PA, he would repeat same scenario, and you will go along? Please revaluate your current position. Why are you O.K. with this? Talk to the lawyer, just in case if your H decides that this OW is his "soul mate". Protect yourself and your child.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I doubt you'll find much support for allowing your husband to have an affair while you wait for him at home. There have been a few others in your situation during my time on TAM but unfortunately I can't recall their user names for you to search for their stories.


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