# Life ~ I Reclaim You



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You're looking starved and frail you "me" of of yesterday..
My shadow, that looks to quickly shift your load to my back. 
How at the most random of times you whisper the thoughts of what it was or what has ended, catching me unprepared and reflective..
I have turned a deaf ear to you, a blind eye, and refuse to carry that, anymore. I will no longer feed you, to strengthen your case against me. I will no longer sit in idle self pity, waiting for you to anoint me with the oil of depression, leaving me to question who I am again.
I am a man, as I was long before a child, before this event so pulled me out of myself, and I existed before it all, and will exist futher despite it. I had loves, I had fun, I had thoughts, and feelings and ways, all to my own, all of my own, and without the looming cloud of consideration that a good man puts towards another's needs, I will reclaim consideration of my Self.
These short years that passed have merely placed a coat upon me, that i can easily take off. It is, by the way, no longer winter in my life.
As I sit on my own couch with a pile of Lego's in front of me, my child awaiting the co-creation of lego houses, and lego boats and a lego village, I will begin to rebuild my own life piece by piece, crafting the walls, and snapping each in its own place.
This time, the colors will not match, and I may very well leave a few gaps in the wall of my own willingness to. I plan on keeping the windows open.
I will reclaim the right to build myself and my life again, and I will claim the new title of Single Dad, whose daughter is always vocal about her love for me. My hair will gray, and my step will shorten, but I will live, and I will raise my child to see her live as well.
Nothing from this event has been taken from me, more so it has been given instead, a hard won freedom from years of sacrifice and selflessness, granted freedom from a void that will never fill, that will always be dark, that will never offer warmth.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I LOVE this! So glad things are looking up for you! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

shoo:

Brave words, courageous. Difficult but possible. I finally severed the last connection (it was very ethereal) and I heard the book snap shut.

This sounds like IT, my friend, your book may have snapped shut on this chapter.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Although it's been a long, hard road for you, sounds like you've gotten it together...very wonderful and inspiring words.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Nothing from this event has been taken from me, more so it has been given instead


Really like this line. Very insightful.

Glad to see you are moving on!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Well../..///
today Im all fked up.
so mad at the position i am in right now.
some days arent so easy to "be strong", with livid resentment running thru your veins.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Shoo,

I came back to lurk and see how you are doing moving out into your own place. Sounds like the healing process has taken hold for you and that is good to hear. Having your own place and freedom seems to make it more palatable, at least for me it does.

I have been out of the house since Feb and divorced since April. My two daughters ages 13 & 15 seem to be adjusted to the new "Mom & Dad" realationship or lack of it which is the most important thing in my book. I spent six months in a social coma with limited contact with friends and family so I could purge as much of the dark feelings I could and now see birghter days ahead.

Although, sometimes I worry that I might have a relapse and feel that huge balck hole that was caused by what felt like a telephone pole punctured through my chest, I think I heal more each day. So far so good nothing serious and I have been able to handle the occasional jab from my ex.

Months ago I would have been crippled for a few days by some of the things she is able to conjure up and spit out of her mouth towards me even though she is the one that wanted the divorce. I guess the grass is more of a brownish color than the lush green grass she envisioned. Oh well I have the choice of not reponding which sometimes silence is the best thing to say.

Keep truckin' Shoo as well as the other members of the board. I lurked here and posted some over the year and this place helped me tremendously. What a great bunch of people.

Take Care,

Shoeguy


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Shoe,
Your post hit some major points with me at this particular period of the "processing" of this whole ordeal. I am glad the kids are able to adjust. It seems like mine is doing good, good report cards, decent attitude..
I am still in the highs and lows phase I guess, dealing with the change in environment. The knowledge that you and others have actually reached a place where things look brighter, does wonders for the rough patches.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

There are bad days and good days and I think the more you heal the better the ratio between good to bad gets tipped into good's favor.

I think one of the major points in my healing was realizing and finally not allowing myself to constantly think about how my current situation affects the long range future. I started thinking about today and maybe the up coming weekend instead of how all my long range plans, that had been set in motion back years ago, have all changed. When looking at the future I started questioning everything I used to count on as a facts. What I found was I continued to think in circles which caused a feeling of hopelessness and frustration and it was killing me.

I can't tell you the day or moment but there was a switch or something that flipped and let me stop wasting time and brain power on something that I couldn't control. I started thinking since this is a new life I'm starting I get to change whatever and however I want and that is a great feeling to me. The day to day things have now somehow become more enjoyable. Maybe because I'm not thinking about the past or future as much but focusing on today and what opportunities I have right in front of me.

I don't know where this new type of thinking/awareness is going to lead me. I still have responsibilities to my children as well as family and friends and I can't lose sight of that but that leaves a lot of me time to figure out what I want to do and ride this wave we call life. It will take me somewhere and I'm cool with that knowing I'm in the drivers seat and since that is the only person I can control what better person to have driving.

There is one motivational poster that I used to see everyday and it never resided in me until I had my major life change happen. It says "If you do not ride the wave of change, you will find yourself beneath it." I hate those stupid posters but I'm glad I remember that one.

Our lives change often, so what if this last one was a mack truck running me over, it is still change and needs to be dealt with. I'm going to try and brush off a little more asphalt each day.

Good luck on your own journey. I'm glad I get to share mine here and hopefully some of you feel the same way I do.

Take care,

Shoeguy


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