# Lost, needy and alone



## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

I am another no sex in my marriage girl. My husband didn't want to have sext or to getting married, but I "talked" him into it. Then we got married....no sex on the honeymoon. Three months later, I cried to him. 
Now we have three girls, all under age 11. Each one was planned.....timed with ovulation predictors....and he'd cum and get off. 
I've gone years and years without sex. He hasn't even tried to kiss me in years. I've talked to him about it, until I am blue in the face. Usually when I complain, he'll try once. Then he complains during it or acts like he is very uncomfortable. I hate it. I don't have any desire to go through that anymore. I am extremely passionate......and have no problem going out of my way to make a man go wild. 
He says that he feels the passion inside....he can't bring it out. He's had his testosterone checked....all normal. He went to therapy for a few months, when I threatened to leave....and he stopped, as soon as I came back. that was 8 years ago.
We've only had sex a few times since then. He's never tried to kiss me since then. 
Why am I still here? Mainly our three girls, who think their world is perfect. They are very smart, well adjusted and just beautiful. I don't want to change them forever....divorce is devastating. Then there's the fact that my husband is incredibly sweet. He adores me and tries to please me in ever other way. 
I've thought about him being gay.....he swears he's not. He is an artsy guy, cooks and cleans....but even though I questioned it....I don't think that's it. 
I thin he's more...sexless. He just doesn't care about it. I am more passionate and intense. I wanted to be pressed against a wall....I want to feel a man's desire for me. 
Lately, I've noticed men noticing me. Men stop me and tell me I am gorgeous...I tell you this because I've gone years feeling like I must be ugly and gross....but this summer....I've taken time for myself and was overwhelmed on how much attention I received.
Oh....I am 47.....he is 52.
I seriously don't want to do this forever. He is my best friend.....I can talk to him about anything...and I do. He knows how I feel....but, he can't make a change.
I fear judgement from family and friends, if we separate. Right now we are separated....but, only the two of us know. We just really need space. We haven't slept in the same bed for years. 

So...what is my question".......advice! I feel lost.....alive outside the house and invisible inside the house.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

I should also add that he doesn't have friends to talk to. He has friends....but, they don't talk...except very blue moon. They are the old high school crowd. He mainly keeps to himself. He doesn't go out or hang out. He doesn't drink, except for wine. If he drinks a little too much, which is rare, he doesn't loosen up...he gets edgy and defensive....so, there's never been that outlet either. 
He occasionally gets angry....but that's the most emotion I see. I don't see him get excited....or Any whoooooohoooooo moments. 
He can be funny....lately...although it's rare. He is usually Debbie downer....seeing the negative side....while I am always looking on the brighter side. 
I started feeling trapped...no one to talk to...who can offer advice. I've read through so many postings......almost everyone talks about working it out......when do you live again? Is anyone married joyful? Does anyone stay in love? Most of my friends have sex....lots......and there are some who have none. They are all unhappy. 
I don't want to be alone forever....so I am scared. But our whole relationship has been this way....no major passion...no great love....we were both ready to marry...we were older and I thought we'd have more sex after marriage. I've stayed because I just hoped it would change. It's like being married so someone who adores me...always looks out for me, os a fabulous father....but, with no sex. 
Sorry for typos....posting from an iPad and it changes my words.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Tylergirl said:


> I thin he's more...sexless. He just doesn't care about it. I am more passionate and intense. I wanted to be pressed against a wall....I want to feel a man's desire for me.


Does you husband check out other women/men? Does he watch any porn? Does he stare at the TV when an attractive woman appears?


I'm suspecting the answer is no. If that's the case then i'm afraid to tell you you have married an asexual person. 


If this is case you won't get what you are looking for from him. You might want to consider discussing a separation or an 'open marriage' with him (whatever works for you).


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

A marriage with no sex is no marriage at all. Have a frank discussion with him. Tell him you need sex. If he can't provide it, then you'll be filing for divorce. Don't do the open marriage thing, don't cheat. You deserve a clean shot at life and so does he.

You're in your prime (translation: my age). Enjoy these years.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

Thank you....no he doesn't look at porn.....he doesn't notice sexy women....he's never given me the "eye" across the room.....no hand ever slid up my leg....the only dog in our house needs to be walked. Lol


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am soooo sorry you are here. I agree with sandc, sex is an integral part of marriage. I could not continue in a sexless marriage. Your unhappyness will likely affect the kids as well. Given your situation, I might have a discussion with hubby about what he suggests is the solution.....And I would see a sex therapist for a better understanding


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

My husband is asexual, which can be very hard to deal with. We approach it as such:
He may not "get" anything out of sexual contact, but you do. You probably do lots of things for him that you don't "get" anything out of but do because you love him and know he likes those things and appreciates it. One example I like to think of is back massages (not ones that lead to sex, just the "long day at work and I'm going to crash pretty soon and now my hubby is helping me relax into sleep). As long as he is not bothered or disgusted by sex (which should then be discussed with a trained therapist) he should be willing to have sex with you at least on some frequency. You should talk to him about what you both feel is reasonable in terms of frequency and acts. If he doesn't feel like this is something he needs to do, you need to have a talk about where you're going to go from there. Would you divorce him over this? If so, you need to bring that up.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

If I didn't feel so guilty over hurting everyone, I'd get divorced. I want to feel loved and desired. Right now I feel like I am with my best friend.....and I've done it or so long, that something just woke up in my screaming to have more. I wish there was an easier way, other than divorce. It sounds so traumatic. I don't want to rip lives apart because I want sex......but, I also think this is unfair. 
I don't feel strong, because my family adores him. Divorce is a huge no-no. 
In the, I will do what's right for my family.....but, I take all of that into consideration. 
The idea of going to counseling....for what? To lose more years of my life? 
I already know who I married. He'll never want me the way I need and long for. 
I just wish this was easier.....we are so comfortable now....our life is simple, no anger.....very quiet.....which I like. 
So difficult and confusing. Divorce should be a step process.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

(1) The fact your family love him cannot be a good enough reason to stay in a sexless marriage. I feel for you because I know how my family, my friends, everyone in the world I know love my h and think he is the most wonderful h. I have discussed divorce with my h before regardless. My marriage is better now only because we are working on it, but I would NOT stay in a sexless marriage. Your family are not married to your h, you are. They are not tossing and turning and having a deep ache inside the body to be f$*&ed. They are not biting their lower lip when they see an attractive male and wonder what it would be like to just have one passionate night into sweaty oblivion. Sorry I have to be so graphic because I know how it can eat up a woman inside. 

(2) The fact you have lovely children and the sexless man is their father is still not a good enough reason to stay. Your children will eventually grow up, and it's only a matter of time for them to find out the truth. I have a feeling by then no one will give you any sympathy for having stayed. And no one will want to copy your example. 

(3) I do not endorse open marriages or affairs. But I do endorse telling your h these are your choices besides divorce. Honestly, the last time you threatened to leave he "improved" his behavior a little so you would stay, and you know what happened after that. So, if you just sit down and talk about divorce, the same dragging on scenario might happen again. On the other hand, telling him "I will go f$$* another man if you don't f$&* me" should at least wake something up, as it has to do with pride and ego. If he really happily consents to open marriage or affairs, then PACK YOUR BAGS. My 2 cents.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Tylergirl said:


> I wish there was an easier way, other than divorce. It sounds so traumatic. I don't want to rip lives apart because I want sex......but, I also think this is unfair


I think you have summarized it very well over here. I'm going to take back my 'separation' suggestion. It seems like he is perfect for you in every other way except one (sex) that hasn't been fulfilled for so long that it is all you can think of now. Happens to a lot of us in different ways. Its just that we focus on that one desire so intensely and often we lose sight of the other things our spouses offer us until we lose it. Looks like you are willing to look at the bigger picture with him 

Asexual people don't equate love with sex like the way we do. His not wanting sex doesn't mean he does not love you. Seems like he made lots of effort and even faked some things just to be with you. That shows he does love/care for you. 

First you guys need to see a sex therapist, someone who has experience with asexuality. In addition do your own research on the subject. See how other couples (like yourselves) in successful marriages have coped with this problem. heartsdelight has a good post, you could take some pointers from her.


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## dabdab1000 (Aug 8, 2012)

Sounds like you've become friends to me...now that you've seperated why not date again as if you where teenagers...but don't have sex. Build up the intimacey by kissingand cuddling at the end of the date, don't go back to his tho or invite him in when he walks you home.

Sometimes we can loose the romance in a relationship, you've a great chance to get it back now. As for him, if you don't 'put out' he'll want you more

takeyour tiem and good luck


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

Thanks everyone. We've talked about me being with someone else...and he says that he can't stop me and totally understands why I'd want to. He says he wouldn't like it, but understands. 
I am from NY....most guys I grew up with would never let their girl be with another man. I think we are both feeling quite desperate.

I appreciate all the replies. Jennifer1986 really resonated with me. We talk about fixing everything, but when is enough, just enough? I know we could probably work through this...and be together occasionally. It will never be great...never fulfilling and never enough. I am not being negative....just that I can't expect him to change. I can expect him to want to and to try to, but people are who they are. They can make good effort, but fundamentally they stay the same. 

I don't want to rush anything...I don't want to wake up in five years wishing I had stayed. Life means way more than sex...bit, I know I can't not have a man desire me for the rest of my life. I think so many women feel that way. I know men desire me....and it is driving me crazy. I can't have sex without emotion....just impossible for me. There isn't anything fulfilling in having a man want me...but, not caring about me. I really wish I wasn't that way, but I have a heart. 

I a, taking into consideration everything everyone says. I really don't know what to do...and I long for an easy, yet impossible, fix. I don't have anyone to talk to...I have friends and they listen...but, I don't want to drone on about it. Plus it's embarrassing.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

That you had to talk your husband into marrying you speaks volumes.
Which makes me wonder if he's carrying around a lot of deep seated resentment.
Even though he didn't have to marry you, if he felt pressure to do so, that could be another contributing factor to him withholding affection & sex.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

That you had to talk your husband into marrying you speaks volumes.
Which makes me wonder if he's carrying around a lot of deep seated resentment.
Even though he didn't have to marry you, if he felt pressure to do so, that could be another contributing factor to him withholding affection & sex.
????? Sorry? Did I say I had to talk him into marrying me? Yikes! If it seemed like I said that....NO! No he asked me...and I certainly would never talk a man into that. We dated...for a short while, long distance, and he popped the question...in an extremely romantic way. 
that totally caught me off guard....no, we married the good ol' traditional way.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Tylergirl said:


> I am another no sex in my marriage girl. *My husband didn't want to have sext or to getting married, but I "talked" him into it.* Then we got married....no sex on the honeymoon. Three months later, I cried to him.
> Now we have three girls, all under age 11. Each one was planned.....timed with ovulation predictors....and he'd cum and get off.
> I've gone years and years without sex. He hasn't even tried to kiss me in years. I've talked to him about it, until I am blue in the face. Usually when I complain, he'll try once. Then he complains during it or acts like he is very uncomfortable. I hate it. I don't have any desire to go through that anymore. I am extremely passionate......and have no problem going out of my way to make a man go wild.
> He says that he feels the passion inside....he can't bring it out. He's had his testosterone checked....all normal. He went to therapy for a few months, when I threatened to leave....and he stopped, as soon as I came back. that was 8 years ago.
> ...


From your original post, I highlighted the part where you posted that you talked him into marrying you.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

Sorry....I should clarify. He didn't want to have sex prior to marriage....he said it was out of respect and his faith....so, regardless, I would try to talk him into having sex anyways. Lol
I should have explained that better. it was sex I talked him in to.....absolutely not the marriage.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Tylergirl said:


> If I didn't feel so guilty over hurting everyone, I'd get divorced. I want to feel loved and desired. Right now I feel like I am with my best friend.....and I've done it or so long, that something just woke up in my screaming to have more. I wish there was an easier way, other than divorce. It sounds so traumatic. *I don't want to rip lives apart because I want sex......but, I also think this is unfair.*
> I don't feel strong, because my family adores him. Divorce is a huge no-no.
> In the, I will do what's right for my family.....but, I take all of that into consideration.
> The idea of going to counseling....for what? To lose more years of my life?
> ...


I don't have any advice, I'm in the same boat and could have written this post and feel the same, especially the bolded part. It is a terrible place to be and I'm sorry you're here too


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Thank you....no he doesn't look at porn.....he doesn't notice sexy women...


How about sexy men?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're hanging on to this zombie for your daughters' sake? If they were in sexless marriages, would you want them to live life as half women or would you prefer they bail and live as the complete women God intended? The primary way kids learn about adult relationships is by watching their parents. They're learning that existing as roommates is what a marriage is supposed to look like?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> ((3) I do not endorse open marriages or affairs. But I do endorse telling your h these are your choices besides divorce. Honestly, the last time you threatened to leave he "improved" his behavior a little so you would stay, and you know what happened after that. So, if you just sit down and talk about divorce, the same dragging on scenario might happen again. On the other hand, telling him "I will go f$$* another man if you don't f$&* me" should at least wake something up, as it has to do with pride and ego. If he really happily consents to open marriage or affairs, then PACK YOUR BAGS. My 2 cents.


That is about what I told my wife and that helped the sex part. BUT... She sees it as a job and I don't feel her heart is in it. Some how we ended up with a daghter...

For 18 years we had a sexles marriage and telling her and talking alot about other women who flirted with me woke her up.

We still don't say I LOVE YOU... Haven't for years.....I still don't feel the love and passion. She just wants to get the sex over with ASAP. 

Like the OP said I want to push her against the wall....

I am already mentally undressing sooo many women it scares me.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> I don't have any advice, I'm in the same boat and could have written this post and feel the same, especially the bolded part. It is a terrible place to be and I'm sorry you're here too


Thanks.....it is terrible. There's a part of me just screaming to get out...the passionate side. Seems odd that the low drive people choose very passionate spouses.

As for the other reply about what we are teaching our daughters......I agree and I think about that. Right now they are little and think they are part of a romantic love story. They really do. To take that away, when they are so little, just reaching towards puberty....I fear would damage them. Again, it's just a a fear.....I do think we would both handle a divorce with the children as our priority. But, as my brother once said, divorce is always an option...why rush it. I agree with that. My DH doesn't want a divorce....at all. I think it is something I am trying to learn.....what is most important to me?....can I have it all with someone else? Is that realistic? By it all, I mean; sex, love, devotion and friendship.... I just don't know.

I just wish it was easier.....divorce is so traumatic in our culture....part of me feeLs that we should feel lucky to have had each other and want more for each other.....


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

costa200 said:


> How about sexy men?


Lolololol.....no....I think the asexual is it. I never heard of that before....trust me....I've been a junior detective through the years, and there's nothing to support that. I thought for sure he must be gay, but no it just isn't the case. He just doesn't care one way or the other.
If I tried to have sex with him, he would. But, it isn't what I want....he acts awkward, unsure and there's no getting lost in the moment. Through 15 years, we've been together only a few times....I ca't remember one passionate time, not one time he initiated or one time he pushed, with passion my orgasm. Usually, I just had him leave the room, so I could finish....how sad is that? N

Just glad u guys are here.....I don't feel so alone and shameful.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

(1) That's what I thought, you are from a different culture. It would make more sense. However...

(2) I am not sure in which culture a man would ask a woman to marry him and expect celibacy. You stated this is his "faith", and that's pretty unheard of if you ask me. I am Asian-American, and I know lots of asexual people in my culture. But that has nothing to do with faith. I have also heard of men/women making up their minds to pursue faith/celibacy after marriage, but they LEAVE THE MARRIAGE FIRST. 

(3) having said (2), you seemed fully aware before you jumped on the bandwagon. You "talked him into sex". It's quite unclear if you also "talked him into having kids." Because short of artificial insemination, I do not know how he would propose marriage and expect kids without intercourse. That sounds like Hollywood style fake relationship, like M. Jackson asking someone to "marry" him and then give him children. Hardly seems like a true marriage. If this sounds harsh, I'm sorry, but most American people would agree M. Jackson did not have a loving marriage. This has nothing to do with how much he loved his kids. 

(4) If your h did not want children, but you "talked him into it", then my guess is your motivation all alone is somehow you/kids/marriage would change him. You loved/still love him. You wanted to let him see what a wonderful family can do for him. 

Now these assumptions can be way off. Let me go off a tangent just based on these being true, then......

(5) Obviously things are not as planned. He has not changed (in terms of becoming a loving AND sexual being). If you are ok with that, then no one would have a problem. But you are NOT ok with it. 

(6) I just finished _Passionate Marriage _and this is such a must read....but one important theme is you CANNOT lose your INTEGRITY. He uses this term to simply mean an individual's values and what he/she holds dear. If you think sex is important and your h does not, you are in a "crucible", which is a term for a conflict that makes many married couples grow. A crucible does not equal divorce. People need to constantly evolve until death. The corollary is everyone must "differentiate", that means to have your individuality while maintaining your relationship. Both partners must constantly do that. Self-sacrifice is meaningless and will eventually be destructive. So, you are in this crucible, or critical moment, and some *change* must happen. Going back to the same old is just fake comfort and you both will never grow out of it. 

(7) your h must ALSO differentiate. If he says you can have sex with other men, and he won't like it, but he _understands_, this guy is not trying to differentiate. He can refuse to do so, but he needs to accept he is at the risk of losing you. If he continues at the same level of differentiation as he always has been and you are trying to get to a higher level, eventually either you will force him to face himself (and possibly make changes) or you have to leave.

Oh, and finally, I did hear you say you wish there was a "simple" fix. Let me say something harsh, at your age (and your h) you should know better than that. I also wonder what kind of previous sexual experience you had before your h. You sound like me when I was in college. I swear I would have married this guy even if he never touched me. I was that much in love with him. Now this thought makes me laugh. But again, probably you just have not "differentiated" like what I talked about above, and it's never too late to do that.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Please explain the idea of being separated and how that plays into fixing your problem? Did you initiate this based on lack of intimacy? You have unmet needs, does your husband as well? If not, why would he go along with the separation?

I have been struggling with this problem myself and have had around five months of improvement. It may seem counterintuitive but for us, I know for a fact she would not have made the effort she has if I would not have been ready to leave. 

I am certain I would leave over this exact issue and I will tell you why. I have lived with the emotional distance of a sexless relationship. Best friends, great partners in raising the kids, a happy couple to anyone who knows us. We have had five months of being intimate 3-4 times/week. There is a new richness and dimension to everything we do together now. We touch each other, support each other, anticipate ways to help each other. Even my wife, who was dragged kicking and screaming through our changes took my hand and said "you were right, we are much better this way".

This can be done and we are living proof. She still erects shields at the first sign of her period and seems to welcome backing me off. That's fine, its all new territory for us so we will have to find our way. And we are by no means out of he woods. But we are better. Age 52.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> If he really happily consents to open marriage or affairs, then PACK YOUR BAGS.


This was my own quote, but I just realized, from your past couple posts, you seem to think having someone else satisfy you can be a possible solution. Feel free to correct if I am wrong. But you did mention that, and that is one potential "simple fix". 

Oh, let me tell you, there is NO WAY that's a fix. 

I am in a marriage with HD/LD problem. My h even offered me an opportunity to try a guy (our situation of course is different from yours. He did it out of "good will" though, thinking another man can make me happy. There is a little similarity to what you claim your h said"). 

I firmly declined it, and it's not that I do not fantasize about other men. But not having any emotional connection, I cannot be f#$%ed no matter how much of a stud the man is. You don't seem like the kind of woman that can jump the bull and sigh in content afterwards. 

And one time will never be enough. Plus all the bad feelings to go with it. Ugggggghhhhh, not a good solution.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

It's hard, when you write, to not get your thoughts miscommunicated. 
By Culture, I just meant the American way of thinking that divorce is so traumatic. I don't take it lightly, in any way, I just wish if things weren't working, that it wouldn't be so life shattering for everyone. 

As for the "faith" comment......He is Catholic. He didn't want to have sex prior to marriage because he said he was respecting me. He said it meant a lot to him to wait until we were married. I on the the otherhand........."talked" him into it a few times. By talked, I meant....made out to the point that he didn't refuse. I thought I was being sexy and desirable at the time.  

As for the kids.......I took my temp, charted my ovulation, watched the CM and when it was time..........we did it. No hearts and flowers.......we just did it to get pregnant. It wasn't awful, just not anything to write home about. He wanted kids just like me. 

DH and I are in this together........as messed up as it seems. We are best friends........we talk about all of this at length....but, he doesn't have an answer. He says he feels passion, but doesn't know how to show it. 

It really isn't about a he said/she said.........it's about facing the reality.....and where you go from there. He's an amazing guy.......the one all my friends wish they were married to. 

Like I said about the easy fix...........those are words of how I "wish" it could be...words of the heart.....just words of a wish, not reality. This is terribly difficult.......and confusing........


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Tylergirl said:


> It's hard, when you write, to not get your thoughts miscommunicated.


Like I said, my apology for wrong assumptions. 

So, his faith does not forbid sex after marriage. (that would be a new thing for Catholics). 

Then, the comments I made about "differentiation" still hold true. It is time for him to face himself why he does not want sex in a marriage. 

There are lots of issues he needs to come to terms with. Just a matter-of-fact "this is the way I am" is not gonna work anymore. 

Of course, the problem was there even before marriage. If he is like the majority of men, it would take a tremendous amount of self-control to not have sex prior to marriage even with a strong faith in place. He, on the other hand, used that as a reason to not have sex, and had to be "talked into it". 

This whole scenario has nothing to do with your desirability. You probably had some illusions that your GOOD qualities would change him. The fact he did not change does not prove you have a lack of feminine attributes. As this life goes on, you will find more and more men who try to tell you otherwise. 

It's not gonna be a pretty picture if you need other men to do that job. Trust me, I had been there. First, differentiate and know who you are, you will love and respect yourself. Then, he needs to make a decision if he will catch up with this growth in you.

You are "emotionally fused" with him. What he does/does not do is making you suffer. You need to come out of that. I do not mean divorce. I mean, again I sound like a broken record...you need to HOLD ON to what you perceive as important while loving him. Stand firmly on your ground. The way it goes, you will lose more and more self-esteem. The loneliness that results from that is way more than from just a lack of sex. No other man outside marriage will fill that void.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> You are "emotionally fused" with him. What he does/does not do is making you suffer. You need to come out of that. I do not mean divorce. I mean, again I sound like a broken record...you need to HOLD ON to what you perceive as important while loving him. Stand firmly on your ground. The way it goes, you will lose more and more self-esteem. The loneliness that results from that is way more than from just a lack of sex. No other man outside marriage will fill that void.


That was really profound.....I never thought about it that way.....that the longer it goes, the worse I'll feel about myself and there will be a void. I guess that's true. 

At this point, we both need to be willing to try. I am slowly getting there. I've been 1 1/2 feet out the door for the past few months. But, through our seperation....although not physical---we still live together........I've been warming up to therapy. I have that "once I jump back in, I am stuck for a while" thought playing. So, I am cautious to think out what I really want, what I really need....and what I am willing to do to save this or leave it. 

Through talking and listening, it helps me gain perspective. I deeply appreciate it........even the harsh words..........I am from NY.....I can take it.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I suspect there could still be an underlying medical and hormonal cause (in spite of his appearing fine at his physical). I think it is worth pursuing this a bit more. I strongly recommend you read the book "Testosterone for Life" by Morgentaler (available from Amazon.com) and have your H read it too. Many doctors don't understand that they need to check for 'free testesterone level' (not just total T since much of it can be the bound/unavailable kind), and that they need to check other hormones too such as estradiol, LH, and prolactin because high/low levels of those can also cause libido problems. 

If I were you, I would insist my H see an endocrinologist and get a very complete hormonal panel that tests for:

Total T
Free T (best test for this is called analog free T a.k.a. RIA test)
SBHG
Estradiol E2
Thyroid panel including TSH, T3, T4 
Cortisol 
Prolactin
Progesterone
Hemoglobin and iron (CBC and ferritin, not hormones)
PSA
LH
DHEA-S
FSH

I suggest that you and your H become as informed as possible about these hormone tests and not necessarily just rely on one doc's opinion unless he is a specialist in male hormones and libido issues. Most GPs or Internists have very little training in this area. It is worth getting a second opinion and seeing a specialist before considering divorce.


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## Tylergirl (Aug 11, 2012)

Thank you. I will look at that book and look getting an endo. I appreciate it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Tylergirl said:


> I am another no sex in my marriage girl. My husband didn't want to have sext or to getting married, but I "talked" him into it. Then we got married....no sex on the honeymoon. Three months later, I cried to him.
> Now we have three girls, all under age 11. Each one was planned.....timed with ovulation predictors....and he'd cum and get off.
> I've gone years and years without sex. He hasn't even tried to kiss me in years. I've talked to him about it, until I am blue in the face. Usually when I complain, he'll try once. Then he complains during it or acts like he is very uncomfortable. I hate it. I don't have any desire to go through that anymore. I am extremely passionate......and have no problem going out of my way to make a man go wild.
> He says that he feels the passion inside....he can't bring it out. He's had his testosterone checked....all normal. He went to therapy for a few months, when I threatened to leave....and he stopped, as soon as I came back. that was 8 years ago.
> ...


The good news is that he can have sex - you have children. Yes, it is not fair for you to be in a sexless marriage. 

He may not desire to have sex & you cannot fix this. Maybe counseling & medical advice can help if he wants to go (sorry if he already has - didn't catch it).

But here's the thing, if he has no desire for sex, this does not mean that he cannot have it to try & please you. It may not be your "ideal" a man not having the desire, but it is a compromise that you may be able to live with - I don't know.


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