# Parent unhappy



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

My Dad has always been verbally abusive to my Mum. I've always been aware on some level, even when little, of just how unhappy she was. She never talked about it much but now that her kids are all grown, 3 girls, with our own families, sometimes I think she couldn't possibly stand it forever. She actually cried while talking to me recently, and she's not one to let it show usually.

I know that they can get along so well, but as soon as she does something that he perceives as a mistake, then comes the yelling, put downs, anger etc. 

Don't get me wrong, I love both my parents and I'm not blind to my Mum's faults either, but I'm not sure what to do. Continue to stay out of it? If I interfere I'm afraid of making him worse, if I do nothing I'm afraid that things could've improved but didn't because no one ever tried to help.

Also afraid of pushing her towards separation, when their retirement is really only setup for them as a couple. Also not sure if Dad would live for long without her. Despite how he treats her, he seems to need her more than she needs him, emotionally at least.

Is there any chance of a 65yr old man changing his spots? From what I've read, there doesn't seem to be much success. 

I wish they could both be happy. If he could just stop treating her like a piece of **** stuck to the bottom of his shoe everytime she's not 'perfect', he could have the loving, responsive wife that he seems to crave, and I wouldn't have to watch him destroy a little part of her every day.
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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

breeze said:


> My Dad has always been verbally abusive to my Mum. I've always been aware on some level, even when little, of just how unhappy she was. She never talked about it much but now that her kids are all grown, 3 girls, with our own families, sometimes I think she couldn't possibly stand it forever. She actually cried while talking to me recently, and she's not one to let it show usually.
> 
> I know that they can get along so well, but as soon as she does something that he perceives as a mistake, then comes the yelling, put downs, anger etc.
> 
> ...


Best thing to do would be to offer your support to your mother for whatever she decides to do.

I'm telling you this because I was her. I stayed in such a marriage for my children. Now that they are grown and on their own, it was up to me to decide whether to stay or go. Then he cheated. Then I pulled the plug on the marriage. As for the retirement plan, everything is split up 50-50, so I will be just fine financially. Emotionally I feel liberated and free and happy. As for my children, I do believe they asked the same questions as you did, and now support my decision because they love me. They love their father too, but they also pity him for reaping what he has sown. 

You can't fix this. Your dad won't change. He is who he is. Your mom knows this. So it's her decision what to do. She may continue to stay with him out of fear of being on her own. She may decide to "settle". Or she may sometime decide to "pull the plug" as well and live the rest of her life happy. It's her choice. Be there for her either way. She will appreciate the love and support.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Start giving her reading material. Start with one of Patricia Evans' books. Also Boundaries In Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. She can make changes in her life without leaving him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Thanks SW. I'll definitely be there for her, whatever she does. 

Thanks t, I'll look into those books.
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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I was in the same situation growing up, my dad treated my mom like total sh!t. Verbally abusive, angry all the time. She did finally divorce him when I was 14. Happiest day of my life up to that point. This is what parents who stay in these situations need to realize, that this really does hurt your children. It KILLED me that someone would treat my mom like that, and I loathed him. I dont talk to him, havent for years and years now. 

Your dad is not going to change how he treats her. I agree with Turnera, start giving her reading material. Talk to her about it. Maybe after all these years, she is just looking for someone to say that ITS OK to get out of this.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Being in a verbally abusive relationship isn't easy. He may have her so beat down she feels like she has no choice but to stay. If he continues this and he becomes disabled if I were him I wouldn't count on her taking very good care of him. Frankly I would put him in a nursing home.

As far as your role I'm not sure there is much you can do. My grandmother stayed in a abusive relationship with my grandfather all of her life. I think she loved him but didn't like him. I also think the older you get the harder it is to leave.

If she left him he might wise up and realize she isn't there to be his whipping post.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You also may want to read the books yourself, so you understand what she is dealing with and why she stays. Start with Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men.


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