# Before, during, or after?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just to lessen the blow, if you were going to be dumped on V-day, would you prefer it before, during, or after? And why?

Thanks


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

If someone's being dumped on V day, there is no before, during or after. What do you mean? Do you mean before, during, or after the V day _plans_?

I would avoid breaking up with someone on _the _ actual day. It might forever taint their future V days.

I mean, come on it's so cliche. Can you see the convo? "S/he broke up with me ON VALENTINE'S DAY! Can you even?"


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Before. During is just mean, and after means they will look back and feel like you were faking your way through anything you did together. If you must do it after, at least make an excuse to cancel the V-day date first.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Lila said:


> I voted for 'before'. Gives the dumpee an opportunity to make alternative plans with someone else.


Dumpee - Thanx Lila, I got a great laugh out of that .

However, I would prefer to be the "dumper"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Going to have to do it fast then, wish I ended it sooner. Have like, two days.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Did you end up introducing her to your daughter? Anyway sorry to hear it is over.

As for the OP last time I was dumped was when I was 17 and it was just before my birthday, was a bummer. VD will not be a good time before, during or after, preference would be before though so like Lila said, she can make other plans.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How come this one went south?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I haven't introduced them yet no (daughter/gf) - there are several complications. Unfinished business on ex/daughter front in fact.

It's nothing GF did, all I can say that I understand now fully why it's highly recommend to stay away from separated men such as myself. There are of course - many exceptions to this rule but I'm not one of them.

At the same time I'm extremely stressed recently with the developments within my business. Also, who voted "after" - and why?

As for waiting - as that.girl mentioned; "after means they will look back and feel like you were faking your way through anything you did together."
That resonates quite loudly


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I would usually say before but this close to valentines day i'm not so sure.
Seriously do people not know about the holiday dumping windows? 
Closes 2 weeks before holiday and reopens 2 weeks after.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I haven't introduced them yet no (daughter/gf) - there are several complications. Unfinished business on ex/daughter front in fact.
> 
> It's nothing GF did, all I can say that I understand now fully why it's highly recommend to stay away from separated men such as myself. There are of course - many exceptions to this rule but I'm not one of them.
> 
> ...


My bad. I'm on mobile and didn't see ladies lounge before I voted. In typical male fashion, if she was going to break up with me, valentines day usually involves a lot of fun, romance and sex. After would mean another roll.in the hay.
Yes, I'm a dog... Woof! &#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, tis why I asked...

If anything I despise V-day more than ever now


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm currently thinking of breaking it off but giving her a V-day gift at the same time, something to lessen the blow.

But maybe not a good idea ey?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does she love you? Dude, I think you should commit no matter what is going on outside the relationship. Life happens. It could happen together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> I'm currently thinking of breaking it off but giving her a V-day gift at the same time, something to lessen the blow.
> 
> But maybe not a good idea ey?


No. XH gave me jewelry for my birthday right after we separated, and i can't stand to even look at it. 

Save your money. If you must give her something, then maybe something temporary like candy or flowers. But I'd still say no. I wouldn't want a pity gift.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If I remain committed to her I'll want to be at my best, I'm not at mine, my situation is quite complicated. It may take months before I'm ready - in the end I never was while I remained separated. I made the wrong assumptions in regards to my ex/daughter, and pressure from work is requiring my full focus.

I want her to be free during this time instead of dragging her along with me. We have had very fond memories and I don't want them polluted.

As for gifts, guess not - but I guess I can reassure her that if she needs anything as a friend, I'm more than happy to help her out.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

If you want to stay on good terms and maybe have a shot with her later -

Then flowers, but not roses, and an honest explanation.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> If I remain committed to her I'll want to be at my best, I'm not at mine, my situation is quite complicated. It may take months before I'm ready - in the end I never was while I remained separated. I made the wrong assumptions in regards to my ex/daughter, and pressure from work is requiring my full focus.
> 
> I want her to be free during this time instead of dragging her along with me. We have had very fond memories and I don't want them polluted.
> 
> As for gifts, guess not - but *I guess I can reassure her that if she needs anything as a friend, I'm more than happy to help her out.*


I disagree with the bolded part. I think it's just better to make a clean break. I know you don't want to hurt her, but I always felt like it was a slap to the face when the guy was like "but we can be friends". No thanks.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

For me, "we can be friends" sucks. "You're awesome, but I'm in a really messed up place right now" is different. It kind of depends on the relationship and what you want from her in the future.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

TiggyBlue said:


> I would usually say before but this close to valentines day i'm not so sure.
> Seriously do people not know about the holiday dumping windows?
> Closes 2 weeks before holiday and reopens 2 weeks after.


Many countries have some sort of Holiday every month. With a 29 day blackout I should probably prepare calender of the few available dates remaining.

But seriously, The very bad day was 1/21 leaving me 10 days to make a decision. Glad I got it done on time.

MN


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> I'm currently thinking of breaking it off but giving her a V-day gift at the same time, something to lessen the blow.
> 
> But maybe not a good idea ey?


What?! Omg NO. Why on earth would you do that? If someone did that to me I would not accept the gift. What, is it a consolation prize!? Horrible idea and frankly, a bit weird.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If you are going to break it off with her, break it off. 

But don't give her the "let's be friends speech" she's going to hear "Let's go back to being FWB with no parameters to our relationship"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, clean break is better, if we are to remain friends it'll be months after the break so the distance allows us to move on first.
Alright, going have "the talk" tonight.

It's very sad, she's been awesome. Hard knowing that regardless of how I present it, she'll blame herself for it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

You never fail to amuse me... included a poll, nonetheless. Classic.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

that.girl said:


> For me, "we can be friends" sucks. "You're awesome, but I'm in a really messed up place right now" is different. It kind of depends on the relationship and what you want from her in the future.


Brilliant advice.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Before. Then I could save the money on the stuff I would buy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys, it's done.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I hope you're okay, RD.

How'd it go and how are you feeling?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Not well, I'll be better in the morning if I can sleep.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also, you don't mean when you were confused about things with your ex you are planning on getting back together with her are you?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No

She's unfinished business, but no plans for reconciliation. She still remains the mother of my child and we need to deal with our daughter who has been fed false hope for years, not entirely her fault, it's complicated. Ex has also not moved on despite my assumption that she has, I can't have that. Already we can see the result this has had on our daughter. We need to close this chapter of our lives, finalise the divorce, and deal with our daughter.

Ironic really... if GF had never pressured me to introduce the two of them (daughter and her), perhaps things wouldn't have ended this way, with me realising that I'm still not ready for a relationship. But none of this is her fault, I should have finalised my divorce ages ago. This is the result of my procrastination.

Also been procrastinating my responsibilities at work, resulting in my current situation. I've sat on my hands for too long, with alot of things.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's better you did it before Valentines, as I recall you started out as Friends with benefits, I am sure she was aware of how difficult, how the last thing you wanted was to get emotionally attached..but she gave it a ride anyway.. in it's own way, she should have been prepared for something like this.. but that wouldn't make it any easier once someone starts to attach , it's still devastating...no matter how you slice it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We may have started as FWBs, but what we had was real. I felt it, I still feel it, and ironically, now more than ever do I realise it. We travelled overseas together as FWBs, but came back as lovers. Neither of us were prepared for what happened tonight. Neither of us realised I'm just not ready either. *sigh* I have to sleep... thanks though, it helps to let it out.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

How are you doing, RD?

It sounds like you're ready to embrace the responsibilities you feel you have been turning a blind eye to. That's a good thing. Get squared away.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hardened. I'm over it. In clean up mode:










Need to get my life organised before I'm ready for anything else.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Glad V-day is over, thoughts of "I wonder how she must feel being dumped two days from V-day" is now at the back of my mind. I hope she's alright, I haven't called her nor she me.

Also heartsbeating, you mentioned you found my poll amusing, I do ask stupid questions, but I have a reason for it. I didn't get to where I am today in terms of learning by assuming I know everything, I got to this point by pretending I know nothing so I don't miss any details.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's sad but I'm hopeful that she's fine. We need our space for now, hopefully we can reconcile as friends in the future.

I doubt we have a future anymore considering I dumped her 2 days from V-day, even though she mentioned she'll never forget our time together I doubt there'll be anything left by the time I'm even ready for a relationship.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Also heartsbeating, you mentioned you found my poll amusing, I do ask stupid questions, but I have a reason for it. I didn't get to where I am today in terms of learning by assuming I know everything, I got to this point by pretending I know nothing so I don't miss any details.


Fair call. 

Please know that I didn't think your question was stupid. I did find the inclusion of the poll amusing but more in a heartwarming/jovial kinda way. My comment was not meant with ill-intent towards you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

All good  Nevermind me I was quite moody

Still am abit, but mostly over it

I'm single again... 'yay' I guess...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

s'all good... I'm glad you mentioned it. I ought to be aware that the written word can sometimes lose sentiment, over body language and tone. 

It's time to focus on those neglected responsibilities and get yourself back on track. It will take time but I have faith you'll get there.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks, it's alright, I admit I have been moody and sensitive as of late. Have only myself to blame for my situation too, but I'll get there, still abit sad over everything. Lesson learnt I guess.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Big hugs for you fellow Aussie. Get your head straight man, I'm sure you have lots to offer the right woman at the right time. 

I found your poll a bit amusing too but like HB in a lighthearted way because RD you are who you are. Very open and a little bit unsure of your self. Huge hugs.


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