# I need to feel safe



## selfiesarah (Nov 20, 2012)

My husband of 25 years has just ended a 6 month affair (dd was 4 months ago). He says he ended it to work on our marriage but he's not acting like a man who wants that.

We are yet to start counselling but he isn't showing remorse or even making any effort to help me to heal. He's still in the fog - more worried about OW harming herself after the breakup than my feelings.

At this point I am only willing to go to counselling if I feel safe - and for me that means being in a position to walk away if that's what I want to do.

I can't do that at the moment because our house has unfinished renovations, we only have one car and several debts.

I want to sell the house and move somewhere I could afford to stay with our kids if things don't work out. I want to buy another car and pay off our debts.

I don't want to have to face selling up and moving if my husband leaves me or if after counselling I want a divorce.

My husband loves our house and doesn't want to sell it - but I feel like losing the house is part of the consequence of what he's done.

Is planning for reconciliation to fail before you even start a good idea or bad? I'd love to hear your thoughts.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It doesn't sound like you are 'planning' as in sabotaging it, but actually just being realistic. His actions are speaking, and you are listening to them. A house is a material possession. Yes, he may love it, but his marriage to you, and you in particular, should matter more.

However, it is up to you decide your priorities, too. I understand that you want financial stability. Do you have an independent source of income? What do you stand to lose or gain financially because of a divorce? How old are your kids? 

When you talk about feeling safe, are you speaking only of finances? Or are there other ways you feel unsafe? If there are, take care of those first. Financial security may have to come 2nd.

But if finances are the only thing you're referring to, then I would look at cleaning up the debt as much as possible, but don't leave yourself cash-poor. Starting over costs money. 

Have you spoken to a lawyer? It might be helpful to see if you can get a consultation with one (some will do a first consult for free) and give him/her a picture of your assets and liabilities. See how it may shake out in a property settlement the way things are now (one car, current debt, house in its current condition). That might help you to prioritize things. 

From what you've written, I'm not sure what YOU want. Do you want to reconcile? Do you still love your husband? I don't get a sense that you really want to save your marriage, but are looking to keep things together long enough til you feel prepared to leave and take care of yourself. Is this the case? That's not meant as a judgement either way. I just want to get a clearer picture of your situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long would it take to sell the house, move, get a job so you can support yourself, etc? This seems like it will take months.

If you do not go to counseling until you are set up to be able to move on if you chose, you will lose the window for fixing your marriage.

My suggestion is that you make a two prong plan. Start seeing a MC. At the same time make a plan for what you want your life to be in 1 year, 2 years. Then then start working it. Revist your plan every 30 days and tweek it for any changes you think are needed.


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## selfiesarah (Nov 20, 2012)

Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.

angelpixie: I would love nothing more than to reconcile, but the situation seems impossible. He says he doesn't love me and isn't sure he ever has now that he's discovered "real love" with OW. However every time I try to end the marriage he panics and says he wants to try and fix things so there's some mixed messages there. 

Elegirl: you are correct. I am in for many more months of agony whether I go to counselling or not. Even though I can't see my husband changing or falling back in love with me, I guess at the least it'll help improve communication.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Thanks for the clarification, Selfie. Definitely mixed messages, so I can see why you feel the way you do. From what you've described, it sounds like he's holding on just in case OW doesn't work out. Which is a sh!tty thing to do to you. Actually, compared to a lot of BS's here on TAM, you sound like you might be a step ahead, in that you are a tad more realistic about your chances. You see what he's like. I don't think there's anything wrong with Elegirl's idea. Go to MC if he's willing, and really be honest and do the work you're asked to do. But observe him as well. See if he's putting in real effort, too. You can't fix things yourself. It takes *two totally committed people *to reconcile after infidelity.

And, start doing what you have to do to be ready to start over in the best position possible. Even if you don't reconcile now, there's nothing saying that he won't get out of the fog at some point in the future and you could reconcile then... But until that time, you are on your feet and living a stable life.

((hugs)) to you. Sorry you've had to join us here.


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