# I'm a noob and I would love some advice from the men on here.



## twinmama85 (Sep 23, 2012)

Okay, so I feel like I am in some kind of intervention: Hi, my name is twinmama85, I have been married going on 7 years, have twin 3.5 year old boys and on August 2nd, my husband said he couldn't do this anymore. He stayed in the house until September 2nd and moved 180 miles away back home, even paying his dad rent for a room. He says its over, he tells me that everything is my fault, that his life isn't where he wants it to be at because of me. There is no other woman, he is too selfish for that right now. I basically say what he is going through is a mid-life crisis at the age of 28. He has mentioned a few times in the past that he isn't living his life like someone in their twenties should and all this other stuff. I want to save my marriage, I don't believe its over, every time I ever say anything about divorce, he gets all upset about it. People who have talked to him, he tells them he wants to work it out but then says hes confused about what he wants. A little about me, I am active duty in the AF, I have no family around me, I have our sons. I have been building on my faith with God so divorce from me is completely out of the question.

However, this is where the men come in, how do I do this? If you separated from your wife, what would be the things that you would like to see and things that you wouldn't? I know no two people are the same, but most men have general preferences (as do women) so I know it can help somewhat. Do I go dark and cut off all contact, let him contact me as he wants, or what? Any help with this conflicting and frustrating scenario would be great


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Just remember not to beg, plead, or anything else that makes you look as desperate as I'm sure you feel right now. You will get a lot of good advice on here so keep reading!

Sorry your in the same situation as the rest of us. It sucks, but this place will help you get through it.


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## twinmama85 (Sep 23, 2012)

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## twinmama85 (Sep 23, 2012)

thank you, I'm kind of in a weird spot knowing if I should just let him come to me I need ready or what. I think for small steps when we talk I am thinking of just being appreciative and respectful. That was a big reason for marriage failure, I was not a respectful wife. I realize all of that and know that I am a big ccontributor for what are marriages going through. I'm done pointing fingers I'm done fighting but at the moment he is still resentful and blames me for everything so I'm at a loss
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## Goodguy2003 (May 31, 2012)

Is he willing to try relationship therapy? If he says he is confused but wants to work it out that might be a good way for him to realise what he is about to throw away and see how you two can find common ground to keep your family together.

Be confident and strong if you can. Don't beg, you need him to respect you. But also be open for his criticism and talk, don't accuse.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Hiya
Your story sounds easily similar to mine - definitely no other woman, getting all the blame for the end of the marriage, being told that he had had no control over his life, over the choices we made ( yes, we!! But he does not remember it that way now). My husband is 32, went from seemingly adoring me to rage anger resentment HUGE finger pointing.
It's been 8 months and I've kind of let him walk all over me, showing him so much more respect that ever before, being understanding, helpful, fun to be around. Often lettingbhim have his cake and eat it too. He still finds me very physically attractive, but 8 months later - NOTHING has changed. He still blames me. He still feels 'no moral objection to ending the marriage withoutbtrying'.
If your hubby is anything like mine he relies on others to make him happy, he will have no problem smiling and going along with what you say - but then throws it back in your face later. Or saying 'you choose, i don't mind/cant't be bothered' then sulking, grumpy.....Or he will agree 'just to keep the peace' which is bull****!!!!! Look where you end up when you keep your mouth shut - strangers to each other, surrounded by blame and resentment.
Marriage is a two way street ..... If you don't like something SPEAK UP. If you want something SPEAK UP, I am not a fricking mind reader.... Dont just sit by watching your marriage disintergrating like you have NO responsibility, watching a distance your spouse doesnt even know is there getting bigger and bigger, the whole time telling me you love me, adore me...and then only deciding to mention something when it is TOO LATE!!! 
Sorry for rant!!! Having a rare angry day.
I will wait to see if you get any helpful male perspectives.... Not that I'm even sure I want my passive aggressive spineless husband back....
This is really really hard.... It does slowly get better... The pain becomes less sharp.... More of a dull ache!!


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Be the best mom you can while their father is gone. Take care of yourself. Let go of wanting/needing him because that will be noticed and he will not want you while you're in that mode. 

Stay away from the comfort food, get plenty of exercise (even a walk with the boys) once a day, and rest. It is very important that you be clear headed and able to handle the situation. Find something each day to compliment yourself about and something good about him. Think of this as a vacation for you and your boys from a spouse who doesn't appreciate you.

Negativity doesn't win this kind of struggle and pursuit is the opposite of what is good for YOU (it will only gratify him). Let him go. Let him be free. Take care of you and focus on where you can improve yourself. Know what you need from him to make your marriage work, specific steps you want him to take, and follow those closely. Don't bite at the first hint of him being curious. Stop being attentive to communication with him.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> However, this is where the men come in, how do I do this? If you separated from your wife, what would be the things that you would like to see and things that you wouldn't?


Lots of actions proving that respect for me is real
A commitment to God and Lots of actions proving you are serious.
No groveling, no begging, JUST ACTIONS!!


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Not sure about the commitment to God part... But what sort of 'actions' are you referring to? Everywhere else you look on this forum, it's all about the 180, going dark.... It is hard to show someone you love and respect them through actions when you are separated... Unless you mean just generally bring respectful and loving during all interactions?? That feels like doormat behaviour sometimes.... So desperate to show him how easy breezy life would be with me, that my boundaries go out of the window.... 
Hope you don't mind my thread jacking, just like you, very very eager to hear males perspective....

Like all the men on here are instructed... Shouldn't we ladies also be doing the 180... Living our lives for US, thinking about what we want, thinking about how WE feel... Giving our WAH what they want - a distinct lack of 'us' in their life. Moving on, living my life like the single lady he has forced me to become.. I am starting to believe 100% that this will be the ONLY way my h will have any realisations... People ALWAYS want what they can't have. 

I'm thinking next time he collects the kids I am dressed up in a sexy black dress, ( this is not unusal so wouldnt look desperate or obvious) looking hot, acting distracted, about to rush out the door to meet my single friends for many many drinks. Then he can sit at home all night with the kids imagining me with other men....Imagining what they want to do to me... Imaging what I want to do to them... MWAH HA HA HA HA!!!
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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

Assuming all parties are adults, these ideas of what does he want and what do I want to portray to him or her seem childish. Either both parties can sit down and talk out the matter, or if they don't then its time to move on. You can only be you and if the two of you can work out, its something that must be discussed and decided together.

The key, i think is, each party has to know what they think and want. So, once that is decided, (which is so hard, I am still trying to figure out what I want) two rational people can get together and try to figure out the future. But, I think you need and he/she needs to know what you want and are willing to accept before anything can be agreed upon. 

I guess its hard to have two people in the same place so that this idea can actually work. But playing games is no way to build a life you are happy with.


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