# Outside Opinion



## needsadvice8 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hello, I was hoping to get an idea of how this looks from someone with an outside look in. I'm kind of stuck in terms of asking for advice so I'm looking here for insight. I'll try to explain my situation as objectively as possible but obviously its my side of the story.

My wife and I have been married 2 years and have been together 7, since I was 20 years old. We've been best friends for those 7 years, more good than bad. We never really fought much, we're the kind of people that if we get mad we need a couple minutes but we get over it quick, very non-confrontational. I haven't been the best partner in the world. I'm not great at sharing my emotions.

We started trying to have kids in the Fall. I wasn't 100% on board with the idea, I felt a little financially insecure. I made those feelings known but she was so adamant I did my best to support her and get on board with the idea.

As we started trying she ran into health issues. She was diagnosed with PCOS, for those unfamiliar its a disorder where the body has issues with insulin and creates some hormone imbalances. She ran into some weight issues and some other things but got on medication and get it under control. 

During that time we ran into a bit of the rut in our relationship. We stopped doing a lot of things together, our sex life stalled a good bit. I blame myself for most of these things. I hindsight I can see where my wife tried to show me that she wasn't happy with the way things were going.


Around 3 months ago my wife started to seem moody and withdrawn. She didn't laugh as much as she did before, didn't seem too interested in anything. I thought this was due to the PCOS and I tried to give her some space. Turns out that she was mad and me and our relationship so when it finally came out (about 6 weeks later) it looked like I cared so little that I didn't even notice.

When I found out I immediately fix the things she said she was unhappy with. I didn't realize that those things were symptoms of underlying problems and she wasn't happy about this. She said she needed more space and I moved out of our bedroom. Around the same time she started spending a lot more time with her new friends from work avoiding me most times. She opened up a separate bank account which seemed ok at the time because she mentioned she felt left out of how I had the finances arranged. She became more and more withdrawn and I became suspicious. I found out she was confiding in another man who was also married. My wife tried to hide it and was dishonest about him at first but eventually when I confronted her about it she admitted to confiding in this man and argued with me about it telling me that nothing happened, ect. She stormed out of the house and was gone for about 4 hours.

Afterward she came back completely remorseful and ashamed. She admitted to me that things went too far with this man and they kissed and that after we talked she planned to cut off all contact with this guy (I believe her and it appears she did do that). We had our best talk in weeks but shortly after (a matter of hours) she went back to being withdrawn. She had been hinting around about wanted to separate for awhile and after this she became more vocal about it, saying she needed for figure out some things and wanted more time for herself. She also said she felt watched. I didn't like this idea but I didn't have many alternatives. She didn't want to try counseling and was adamant that she wasn't considering this permanent. 

I was willing to try anything so I moved out a week ago today. We had an agreement that I'd try to keep contact to a minimum and we'd talking in about 3 weeks and see each other in about 5 weeks. After about 3 days apart I had some realizations that I wanted her to know about and sent her an email. In it I told her that I was having trouble with being separated and wondered if it was alright if we exchanged emails or talked once a week. I didn't get any response. I tried once more today to contact her. No response again.

I was wondering I some people with experience can give me some advice. Is there anything I can do to make this work? This woman is my whole world. I take responsibility for what happened, if I realized what I was doing I would definitely have not neglected her emotionally like I did.

What is your opinion? Do her actions make sense for someone interested it making it work?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I can’t see why you are blaming yourself so much for the situation. It’s your wife who cheated, not you. That trumps anything you ever did. I also can’t see why you were the one to move out of the home. Now your wife has your home, you on a string and may well be trying to get back with the other guy. What have you got?

Move back into your home. If your wife doesn’t like it, tell her to move out. You’ve taken on way too much blame and responsibility for the situation. Time to be intolerant and confrontational. Stand up for yourself, no one else will.

Bob


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

She is torn as to what she wants to do. It's hard to let go of a 7 year relationship but there are reasons she's considering it. Good counseling can be very helpful in times like this. Perhaps you might try counseling by yourself and let your wife know that you are doing so. Maybe in time she'll open up to the idea herself. In the meanwhile, do not pressure her. My husband pressured me tremendously and it actually pushed me further away. As frustrating and difficult as this is for you, stay kind and supportive of her but also be open about how you are feeling when you are able to talk to her.


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## needsadvice8 (Jul 15, 2010)

Thanks for the 2 very different opinions.

I think confrontational right now is not the way to go. My wife won't respond well to that.

My wife mentioned counseling months ago when it was unaware that there were serious problems. She brought it up in a very casual, indirect, hypothetical manner that I found out she tried to use when things were much worse than I was aware. Thinking it was a hypothetical question I shot the idea down for mostly stupid reasons. When all of this happened and I found out the severity of our problems I mentioned it as an option and she just kept saying "I don't know" to all my suggestions.

I was wondering from an outside opinion (especially from the female perspective) if this looks like she's just made up her mind and a separation is the easiest way for her to start to move on. I've read that that is the case for a lot of females to say the things she's said when they're trying to break off a relationship. She had her opportunity to leave when I found out about her EA but instead she showed genuine remorse. 

She was under the impression that I was aware of all of our problems and just didn't care. She mentioned she suspected I was cheating when our sex life stalled out. I think she's realized now that I sincerely didn't know what was going on and was just completely out of touch. 

I can't decide whether this separation is an honest effort on her part or not.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Advice8,

I am not a woman, so this isn't from the perspective you were looking for, but I wanted to give you my opinion anyways. I am very close to finalizing my divorce, my wife had/is having an EA/PA, and asked for the divorce. Our situations are different, yet similiar. 

Move back into your home, take control of you life. If she wants distance, give it to her in the home, under the same roof. If she was having an EA while you were living together, how do you know she isn't doing more now that you are gone? My wife used my travel for work as her excuse, yours could use the seperation. You need to ask yourself, if she truly loves me how can she not want to communicate with me for 5 weeks? A few days is an eternity when you love someone, at least in my opinion.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

NA8, I am sorry for the pain you are going thru right now; I can relate in many ways. I see some pertinent issues you may want to decide how you feel about in order to decide how to proceed. First counseling (for you) can be huge help in deciding what you want to do about this relationship and what is best now and in the future for you...Second would be did you agree to the 5 week plan? Would it be a price you would be willing to pay while working on yourself and figuring out what next steps would be best? I ask for two reasons, this time apart could be exactly what she says that it is and if so trust, not controlling, is the issue; secondly, you may, painfully, find out that she is not interested in reconciling, or has used this time to continue or expand her EA or is just using your love for her to manipulate you into doing what she wants or all of the above...either way my point would be that you cannot control her behavior or choices, but you can choose to give her the time she is asking for or not, you can honor the request but understand that does NOT guarantee the outcome you desire and it is so important that if you do, Do something good and positive for yourself during this time, talk here and in your life about what you want, what you need, what you desire, and what you can live with...spend a little time getting in touch with yourself again. If she is willing, in time, you will come from a better place to discuss what will work for the future and if she is NOT, then you will be one step down the path to your future by focusing on yourself and not just on her. Separation is sometimes necessary for clarity but does not always end in divorce, often perhaps, but not always. There is nothing to be ashamed of in wanting to fight for a relationship that is important to you but how you fight for it is different...the same closeness that the relationship embodies also often clouds our ability to see who we are and how we function within the the relationship...the goal being to see yourself better and more clearly...that is the best tool you take forward into what the future will bring. Sorry that there are no "right" answers in this painful situation, Bob and AFEH may also be right on the money but if this is the first time, I just might err on the side of forgiveness but realize that she has to want it for anything to work. Just my humble opinion...


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## needsadvice8 (Jul 15, 2010)

Not familiar with the 5 week plan so no.

I've come to agree with some of you that moving out was a mistake and I'm going to move back fully into my house. I respect my wife's request for space and if she feels we need to separate for that then she can be the one to leave. Its time for her to take some responsibility for her actions and see the consequences. I have no reason to leave our home while I'm the one who wants to work through the problems in our marriage.

I go back and forth on whether or not the affair is continuing. I'm keeping my eyes open but in the end the fact of the matter is if it is continuing then its already over and I just don't know it yet.


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