# Anyone married to someone with ADD/ADHD ?



## comfortablynumb82 (Oct 8, 2014)

Anyone married to someone with ADD/ADHD?

I am miserable here, he says his actions and behavior are a product of his ADD, but that does'nt make me feel any better.

He still did the things he did and I'm still hurt because of it (a bunch of little things , but those add up quickly)

Now I feel I can't trust him and I'm left with a heap of questions that he can't answer because he can't remember...apparently memory issues are a part of ADD as well.

I'm just so frustrated and I feel like I'm alone.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

What kind of actions and behaviors?


----------



## comfortablynumb82 (Oct 8, 2014)

He did start medication about 6 months ago so a lot of the things he used to do he no longer does but here are a few examples.

He lies, a lot, and the more I look into it the more lies I find. Most of them small and pointless,like the bachelor party is mandatory and if he does'nt go he'll lose his job...it was for a coworker.

He "forgets" things, forgets to tell me he went out to a bar and got so drunk he got on the wrong train and got lost. 

He "accidentally" does things, he accidentally created a Facebook page with a fake name and accidentally only added girls.

A big one, which he has stopped was playing video games 8-10hours a day and totally ignoring me and the kids. Thankfully he stopped doing that.

There are a ton of other things,little daily things but mostly it's the lying I can't deal with.
If there is something he wants to do that maybe he shouldn't do, he just does it anyways and lies about it.

He says that's part of his ADD and he can't help it.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He lies because he is afraid of of being shamed. 

Living with a ADD partners can be a challenge, but it can bring rewards if both understand it and work together. 

Has he been diagnosed? What does he do to remedy it? Drugs? Behavioral therapy?

Check out the link in my signature and familiarize your self on the subject. 

Best


----------



## comfortablynumb82 (Oct 8, 2014)

He was originally diagnosed as a kid (5-6 I believe) was on Ritalin until 18 then stopped becasue he did'nt like it.
Now he is 36 and started Adderall and I notice some improvements. He seems to rely only on the medication though and hasn't tried to change his behavior, something as little as think before you act seems like a foreign concept to him.

I've known about this since the get go,and there are some benefits I do agree but I find so much of what he does selfish and I can't understand it. 
I am patient and tolerate of a lot of things,but not the lying and other inappropriate things he does.

Some of the lies make him look guilty when in fact if he had just told the truth it wouldn't of been a issue. Now I feel like what else did he lie about?

I've done so much research and reading I think my brain might explode. At the end of the day though I'm left thinking why couldn't he of just thought of me and my feeling before he acted? Do I mean that little to him?


----------



## MNLawenforcement (Oct 8, 2014)

comfortablynumb82 said:


> He did start medication about 6 months ago so a lot of the things he used to do he no longer does but here are a few examples.
> 
> He lies, a lot, and the more I look into it the more lies I find. Most of them small and pointless,like the bachelor party is mandatory and if he does'nt go he'll lose his job...it was for a coworker.
> 
> ...


My partner of 12 years has ADHD (Combined type). He has never shown behavior of that nature.

While he often forgets things, they are small things like forgetting to replace the toilet paper even though he sees it's empty. He sees it, tells himself to replace it, but then gets distracted. He certainly doesn't "forget" things like creating an entire fake profile and only specific people. 

Lying is different. He once told me that in high school and college, he lied a lot to teacher to cover the mistakes he made like forgetting the due date on an assignment or forgetting that the professor had told the class something.

I don't have training in psychology, but my partner has not shown any traits like that. Maybe every ADHD case is different, but none of those are issues with us.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

comfortablynumb82 said:


> He "accidentally" does things, he accidentally created a Facebook page with a fake name and accidentally only added girls.


He's trying to pass that off on ADD/ADHD? THAT takes some stones.

I'm not professionally qualified to say, but I think your husband is full of crap. But you don't have to take any of said crap.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

He accidentally created a FB page and accidentally only added girls. I'm not buying his story. ADD sounds like a excuse to me.


----------



## comfortablynumb82 (Oct 8, 2014)

I get the forgetting little things and lying to avoid "getting in trouble", like when he says "yes I put gas in the car" , even though he forgot, no biggie I'll just put gas in the car myself.

It's when he does things that are inappropriate , things he knows for a fact would hurt my feelings and yet....
1. he does them
2. he goes to great lengths to cover them up
3. denies doing it, remembering it, doing it on purpose. etc.
4. changes his story as to who, what where and why, several times
5. eventually settles on "My ADD made me do it"

The fact that he lies to cover up his behavior or selectively tells me what he wants me to know and leaves off the parts he doesn't shows me he knows what he is doing is wrong.

I don't buy any of his stories , and there is a huge trust issue now. I don't trust him and now I question everything he tells me and has told me.


I feel like an idiot for the first 13 years of our relationship I was oblivious, the thought of him lying never occurred to me. Had you asked me last year if he had ever lied I would of said hell no. Now I know differently and I feel like I've been taken advantage of.

I just don't know what to do, our relationship is not what I thought it was.


----------



## comfortablynumb82 (Oct 8, 2014)

He makes me question whether or not I am being unreasonable,take the secret FB page for example. 
Am I overreacting or is it perfectly normal for a married man to create a FB page with a fake name and only add girls who's profile pictures feature young hot girls? 

Is there a reasonable explanation for that? Can that really be as innocent as he claims and I'm being the crazy one?


----------



## MNLawenforcement (Oct 8, 2014)

comfortablynumb82 said:


> He makes me question whether or not I am being unreasonable,take the secret FB page for example.
> Am I overreacting or is it perfectly normal for a married man to create a FB page with a fake name and only add girls who's profile pictures feature young hot girls?
> 
> Is there a reasonable explanation for that? Can that really be as innocent as he claims and I'm being the crazy one?



That is not crazy at all. I certainly wouldn't sit by without saying anything were my partner to do something like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

ADD IS NOT AN EXCUSE OR A CRUTCH.

He needs to be responsible for his actions. ADD is not a free pass for irresponsibility and you need to hold him to that boundary. 

If you read my link, you will see that.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

None of the behaviors you describe are directly attributable to ADD. But they are directly attributable to childhood and it seems you've married Peter Pan.

Impulsivity and lack of focus do not cause one to lie, cheat, steal or otherwise misrepresent facts, nor does having ADHD prevent us from being responsible for our behavior. We suffer the consequences of our behavior and THEN we learn from the consequences.

Sounds like your husband either never had the consequences, perhaps a helicopter mommy who used the 504 plan to keep Jr out of detention, or perhaps he was smart enough to skate by the skin of his teeth?

You're not crazy, you simply married a child.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

comfortablynumb82 said:


> I get the forgetting little things and lying to avoid "getting in trouble", like when he says "yes I put gas in the car" , even though he forgot, no biggie I'll just put gas in the car myself.
> 
> It's when he does things that are inappropriate , things he knows for a fact would hurt my feelings and yet....
> 1. he does them
> ...


Character flaws, not ADD


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sorry but my experience with ADD leads me to believe that this guy is using it as a scapegoat for behaviors that are just simply dishonest. He KNOWS he is doing wrong things and lying to cover them.

This is NOT a hallmark ADD trait.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It is entirely possible for a person to have both ADHD _and_ bad character. My ex-husband has both. My son just has ADHD. 

The issues you describe are character/integrity problems. If you'd said he tends to be late for everything, can't sit still through a whole movie, loses his keys a lot, has trouble finishing tasks and can't handle doing more than one thing at a time - those would be ADHD problems. Lying, cheating, creating a secret second life, behaving like an entitled child, scapegoating, blame shifting and gaslighting are not ADHD.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Well said Rowan.

Which means you need to familiarize yourself with strong boundaries and accountability with your H. 

You are going to find yourself telling him to shape up or ship out. 

There are books to help you if you want to hear their titles.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He is a liar. Liars lie. ADD people have executive function issues, not issues telling tge truth. That's a character issue.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

comfortablynumb82 said:


> He makes me question whether or not I am being unreasonable,take the secret FB page for example.
> Am I overreacting or is it perfectly normal for a married man to create a FB page with a fake name and only add girls who's profile pictures feature young hot girls?
> 
> Is there a reasonable explanation for that? Can that really be as innocent as he claims and I'm being the crazy one?


I don't think he is as innocent as he claims.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

He is a BS'er but deep down has some problems with self-esteem, commitment, and has some self-destructive tendencies. Take him aside and tell him that you love him but it is not going to do either of you good to blow this relationship up which he seems intend on doing.


----------



## comfortablynumb82 (Oct 8, 2014)

Rowan said:


> The issues you describe are character/integrity problems. If you'd said he tends to be late for everything, can't sit still through a whole movie, loses his keys a lot, has trouble finishing tasks and can't handle doing more than one thing at a time - those would be ADHD problems. Lying, cheating, creating a secret second life, behaving like an entitled child, scapegoating, blame shifting and gaslighting are not ADHD.


He has all those classic symptoms of ADHA, and I have no doubt he does have it but it's all the other things you listed that I have a issue with and are causing problems.


We made an appointment to see a marriage counselor but now I'm worried that they will tell me I'm the one who is overreacting. Most of his lies are small but add them all up and they hurt a lot.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the one who needs to just let go and get over it but then I think of all the things he has done and it makes me angry and hurt all over again. 

I love him, we have kids together and there is still a lot of good left in our relationship but there are days when I find yet another lie that I just want to divorce him and never see him again.
I've given him chance after chance to just sit down and come clean about everything, big and small because I am sick and tired of finding things out, him denying them, me proving them and then him making excuses. He has yet to do that, he keeps saying there is nothing else to hide and then bam a week later I find something.
So yes I am snooping,checking his phone and email but I feel like he has left me no choice.


----------



## comfortablynumb82 (Oct 8, 2014)

Bobby5000 said:


> He is a BS'er but deep down has some problems with self-esteem, commitment, and has some self-destructive tendencies. Take him aside and tell him that you love him but it is not going to do either of you good to blow this relationship up which he seems intend on doing.


He has major self esteem issues, as do I ,but mine don't lead to lying. He says his are from being teased as a kid, being in a special class for his ADD/ADHD, always being in trouble, doing poorly in school. So he lies to make himself look cooler, lies so he does'nt get in trouble, etc. But why to me?
I'm the one person he should trust, I never judged him, I loved him for who he was and never expected him to change, so to find out that he has been untruthful with me and treating me as an outsider (or at least that's how it feels) I just don't get it.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If the lies are small yet he gets called on them, and they add up then the lies may not be as small as you consider them...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I believe I am hearing the sound of psychological abuse by him.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think she has been living so long under gaslighting that her self doubt is intense.


----------



## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

I live with ADHD and this looks like a man who is irresponsible.


----------



## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

I have ADD and I've never done any of those things you described, nor do I have a problem telling the truth. 

Your husband is using his ADD as an excuse for his ****ty behavior. Not cool.


----------

