# Going from total passion and desire to a turn off overnight.



## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

If anyone has gone through this before and has some answers or help in how to reprogram your thoughts back to the way they were, please share. For the past year and a half my wife has been disconnected from me emotionally and intimately. Our family is great and our marriage has been fine except for this one area b she has totally lost her passion and desire for me. Over these last several months our intimacy has been basically her feeling a duty to perform or out of guilt. And even then she would just lie on her back most of the time and we had sex. At first It did not seem like a big deal but after months of it it was more and more difficult to get in the mood when she seems like she was just there for me and not for her as well. I started having to fantasize about other things to stay excited and in the mood. It was always with me being the aggresor and making sure she was taken care of first as well. Now almost 2 years later it has gotton the worst yet. I feel like I am a burden to her with sex, I feel totally undesired, i feel less than a man in many ways, I feel inadequate, I feel like I would rather do without now. And it kills me because I have always had so much passion and desire for her. But months of her not connecting and giving me any real raw emotions and passion has turned me completely off. We use to could just kiss passionately and i would get so aroused, she could lightly touch me and I was more than ready. Even when i would perform oral on her which I love as much as anything i would be aroused in just a couple minutes. Now we can habe foreplay for an hour and I never get excited or aroused and if I do it is only briefly. I keep thinking how I feel like a chore to her or thats how she makes me feel. Even now when she initiates i am not aroused. This is killing what little self confidence I had left and I cant get it out of my head anytime we try to be intimate. I actually feel like I am broken in a way. Now when she touches me or we try to have sex its almost a total turn off and virtually no chance in me getting aroused. 

How can I change this in my head and get back to wanting to be excited and actually "feeling" her and not thinking so much. Its gone on for 2 years and I do t know how to fix it. We have talked several times and she understands. She had no idea how her acting this way was affecting me and now she is seeing the physical results of all this time. I honestly want to get excited when we are together. I flirt all the time with her and try to start sex still. But its like I cant get it all out of my head now and I just dwell and worry the whole time and cant focus at all. I have heard women say this before but never heard a guy going through this. Its horrible to feel passion for someone but your body will not respond because of how its been conditioned over time to not have emotions. Please any help or suggestions.
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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You mentioned that you've spoken with her about it. What does she say is at the root of her loss of passion? Does she even acknowledge that's the case?


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Yes. She says its basically her self confidence and she does not feel desirable anymore. That with kids and the other daily stresses of life. But she says its been mostly her body changing and how she is not comfortable with herself. Plus she will be 40 in the fall. She says I have neve stopped showing her desire and passion but she feels its not real because she does not think she is desirable. What else can i do? Now its backfired and is physically affecting me and I cant get excited. How can I help her now when I feel no confidence in myself anymore because of all this.
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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Does your wife know how you feel? I'd start there first with open and honest communication. I can understand why you would have a mental block to being excited by your wife if she's shown you no passion for 2 years. 

Aside from communication, do you know the reason why your wife lost the passion for sex? If so, is she doing anything to make it better. If you two still don't know, is she trying to do something about it?

I think it's not worth you trying to overcome your lack of attraction if your wife isn't doing anything to reciprocate it to you in light of the fact that your loss of attraction is a reaction to what she did. Definitely talk about it with her though.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Jamestone said:


> Yes. She says its basically her self confidence and she does not feel desirable anymore. That with kids and the other daily stresses of life. But she says its been mostly her body changing and how she is not comfortable with herself. Pl*us she will be 40 in the fall. *She says I have neve stopped showing her desire and passion but she feels its not real because she does not think she is desirable. What else can i do? Now its backfired and is physically affecting me and I cant get excited. How can I help her now when I feel no confidence in myself anymore because of all this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look into a drop in estrogen and have her thyroid checked. My wife turned 40 last year, and during that time she had a change in her thyroid which affected our sex life for about 8 months.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

She just went to her Dr and Thyroid was normal. She is going to go back and have some hormone test done as well. And yes I have told her several times and she knows how I am feeling. She seems to be trying some now and putting forth real effort because she understands how serious this is to me and our marriage. But even with her extra focused effort it just does not feel natural to me and it is not letting me get over my mental block that has developed. I see the effort from her but effort is not all i need. I need her to physically and emotionally desire me and show passion for me. You can tell when that is lacking and its mostly just effort involved.
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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'd say maybe some counseling could do you both some good. You to help work through your block, and her to help understand that passion comes from emotional connection. Sounds like she had the block first because she was self concious about her body. If she's under the assumption that you desire sex from her because of what she looks like rather than how you feel about her, she's going to have a rougher time getting through the block.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Thats just the thing. I have never wavered until the last week with my desire for her. We have been together 15+ years. And she has not physically been anywhere near where she was 15+ yars ago for 10 years. And during that time I never changed. I desire her physically but way more emotionally. She knows this and knows I am emotional bond first person and cant be physical without the emotional bond. I have always been that way since HS. Its just who I am. I have to be emotionally attracted before I have any real physical desire.
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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Self-perception issues are difficult. She may need IC to help restore her confidence.

It's sad to think that if you divorced, she'd could probably start dating and find men attracted to her, which would quickly restore her confidence in her attractiveness, yet you can't create the same effect.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My husband is that way also.While it's amazing,it can also be sort of a let down when you want him to think you're smokin hot bc you're not feeling great about yourself.When you feel low about your appearance the last thing you want to hear from your husband is how much he loves your personality.You want to hear how he can barely contain his animal urges around you bc you're so damn irresistibly hot lol
Ideally,you receive both intense physical attraction from your man and intense emotional attraction. But when one overpowers the other it has a way of killing the passion.

That's just what I've experienced though,it may not apply here but it might be worth considering.

ETA: I posted this a while ago but one thing my husband did that boosted the heck out of my confidence: he searched the internet for pics of women who reminded him of me appearance wise. I could never see myself the way he sees me and it messed with my confidence a lot. When I saw how he sees me I think I had a smile pasted on my face for days! They weren't models either...they were curvy and super pretty normal girls. I don't know if your wife would receive it well but it made my whole month to know my partner saw me in such a positive way.

ETA: NOT blaming her confidence issue on you,btw. This is her issue and while you can do things to help her,you can't fix it for her.She needs to do some work here too.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Scarlet, thats just it. I tell her all the time how much i am physcially attracted to her. I give her compliments when we go out when she nuys a new outfit. Whens she wears something sexy to bed.  Heels, etc. I cant keep my hands off her just walking around her. So there is definitely no lack of a physical attraction nor me showing it. I was just saying I have to connect with someone emotionally and have that kind of bond before I can be physical with them. I could still be xtremely attracted to them without the emotional connection but I would never let it go physical without having an emotional connection. 

As for your idea on the picture. I am going to start trying that right now. Thanks
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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jamestone said:


> Scarlet, thats just it. I tell her all the time how much i am physcially attracted to her. I give her compliments when we go out when she nuys a new outfit. Whens she wears something sexy to bed. Heels, etc. I cant keep my hands off her just walking around her. So there is definitely no lack of a physical attraction nor me showing it. I was just saying I have to connect with someone emotionally and have that kind of bond before I can be physical with them. I could still be xtremely attracted to them without the emotional connection but I would never let it go physical without having an emotional connection.
> 
> As for your idea on the picture. I am going to start trying that right now. Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gotcha,ok that makes more sense. It seems like you're doing every thing you can to boost her confidence.She's just not hearing you for some reason.Is she doing anything to help herself? therapy? hobbies to boost her self worth?

Careful that photo thing doesn't backfire on you hon,she may not see it the way I saw it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think when this sort of thing happens in a relationship it becomes a catch 22 and, whilst communication is key, actually talking about it right now might prove very difficult - particularly in light of your, now, lack of sexual interest. Both you and your W have developed self-esteem issues, and unless there's some form of 'intervention,' I don't see anything changing any time soon.

The way I see it, your W needs to work on her body image issues and regain her confidence. The best way for her to achieve this could be IC. In addition, you could then both attend MC and learn ways to rekindle the passion in your marriage. Frankly, I don't think the latter alone would work, because it appears to be your W's issues that (unsurprisingly) eventually caused yours.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Well we both are not physically what we were 10 years ago and I had just kept letting myself go. I had suggested several times before that we both start eating better and walking or working out together but she never seemed interested or wanted to put in the effort so I let that keep me from doing anything either. The last month i decided it was time to make a change and start working on myself in lots of ways. I have lost 25 lbs in a month and two pant sizes. I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near content or satisfied. But I have my mind set and I am going to do whatever it takes to lose at least another 50 lbs or more. I know its all on me and I should not let anyone keep me from making myself feel better.
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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Jamestone said:


> She just went to her Dr and Thyroid was normal. She is going to go back and have some hormone test done as well. And yes I have told her several times and she knows how I am feeling. She seems to be trying some now and putting forth real effort because she understands how serious this is to me and our marriage. But even with her extra focused effort it just does not feel natural to me and it is not letting me get over my mental block that has developed. I see the effort from her but effort is not all i need. I need her to physically and emotionally desire me and show passion for me. You can tell when that is lacking and its mostly just effort involved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just a note...did you go to an endocrinologist for the thyroid testing. Does she have the other symptoms like fatigue, hair thinning, weight gain, exhaustion, pealing finger nails -break easy,...ect. If so I would ask for a second opinion from an endocrinologist. Thyroid issues are the highest under and incorrect diagnosed disease out there....estimated 75 percent of people go undiagnosed.
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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Jamestone said:


> Well we both are not physically what we were 10 years ago and I had just kept letting myself go. I had suggested several times before that we both start eating better and walking or working out together but she never seemed interested or wanted to put in the effort so I let that keep me from doing anything either. The last month i decided it was time to make a change and start working on myself in lots of ways. I have lost 25 lbs in a month and two pant sizes. I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near content or satisfied. But I have my mind set and I am going to do whatever it takes to lose at least another 50 lbs or more. I know its all on me and I should not let anyone keep me from making myself feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Congrats on the weight loss. I would suggest that you start walking in the evenings with your wife. Since you already started, you would have to slow down for a period of time to get her started. Walking together as a couple could be a great way to reconnect. If I may, you may have to lead on this and "make" her eat better and workout. I believe that her seeing you doing it plus her seeing you love for her by getting her into it will rebuild those romantic feelings. If she sees "her man" taking control, that should get her more into you.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

No she has not gone to one of those. And she has most the symptoms you speak of. Thanks
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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

She has started the eating program for the last week or two as well. We are doing it together so that is nice and makes it easier.
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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

If she has thyroid issues her lack of libido is not going to change without meds. Your thyroid controls your hormones and when it goes bad it messes with alot of your systems...it can cause depression...no sex drive (hypothyroidism)- inexperienced this when they took my thyroid and tumor out, and hyper sexuality / nympho (hyperthyroidism) - experienced this with thyroid tumor - wore hubby out. I went Half a dozen doctors over 5 years and they all said I was fine "normal" thyroid range. It took a car accident and CT scan to find the tumor. The range for normal is to wide...it is .5 to 5 and everyone's normal is different...so your normal could be 2.2 but you level comes back as 5 which means your probably suffering a lot of hypothyroidism symptoms. You need to find a doctor that will look at and treat the symptoms and level not just the level.
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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Do some research on hypo and hyper thyroidism....it will help you know what to ask the dr. I have learned with this desease you have to push to get treated.
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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Your wife & I have a lot in common. Although my issue isn't with weight, I have my body issues & if I am not careful, I can succumb to them. 
This means I will be feeling so down on myself that it will get in the way of my wanting to get intimate with my husband. 

I become overly concerned that I don't look good enough or am not worthy enough to have his loving attention on me. Maybe she has felt this way too?
I get embarrassed & feel bad that I am the one he is stuck with.. it's a very shameful feeling. The thought process is something like, if I see myself as this gross, there is NO way he can see me as any different.
It has NOTHING to do with him. 

During my downward spirals, I think just as highly of him as ever..desirable, attractive, admirable, etc..
it's me that I forget to value & that attitude certainly can spill over into the relationship & affect it negatively, as you can tell.

This could very well be the same with your wife. 
Her issues with herself have inadvertently caused issues with you, although I doubt she wanted or expected that.

At least in my case, it can be very hard to let go & surrender to the moment when I am thinking about what he is thinking about how I look.

My husband is always loving & positive. Like you, he says I am sexy as hell, wants me, needs me, etc..I do believe him on some level, but I have to work very hard to quiet the voice inside that tells me he's just being nice. 
However, I am continually getting better at letting go & being IN the moment- not being so self-absorbed. 

I feel like if you know it doesn't actually have anything to do with you, it could be a stepping stone in the right direction for you- toward that attraction you naturally have for her.

Thank you for posting. It helps me keep things in perspective in terms if what my own husband could be feeling when I go through my bouts of negativity. This helps me understand that it's so worth it to get over myself & just enjoy HIM & LET HIM enjoy me( :
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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Yes Karma! I beg you to find some way when you are with him to think you are the hottest and sexiest woman on the planet. When you guys are not being intimate you can relax those thoughts and let yourself slowly continue to heal. But do whatever it takes to think you are the most desirable woman in the world and there is no other woman he could want more. Let his eyes build your confidence and his touch make you feel on fire for him and how he wants every inch of your body. I challenge any woman going through this kind of thing to honesty do this and put their all into it. No 90% no 98%. Put 100% of your mind and body into it for an hour and be with your partner. I dare anyone to tell me they honestly did this with their partner and it was not one of the most freeing and passionate experiences they have ever felt. Totally letting go of all your fears, your insecurities, your lack of confidence, etc. Find a picture of the hottest woman you can and look at her for 5 minutes as you think your partner might and think about how she feels having him desire her. And then for the next hour be that girl! Be everything he could fantasize about. Feel as she would feel with no insecurities or fears. I would trade a lifetime of sex with my wife if she would do that for one week with me and totally get lost in herself and me. I dare you to try it!
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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

That's good advice..at times that's doable..at times I just feel stupid, like he'll think I look like an idiot & should cover the hell up! 

I am happy to hear that your wife is trying & understanding HOW important it is to you, that she show her real desire for you, regardless of how she feels about herself.
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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does your wife exercise at all? How much does she weigh? What's her height?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I can see where her lack of passion has hurt your feelings...

But here is what I think... you have to let go of that and be the man here. Forget about the emotional part of this right now. You and I both know you are emotionally involved with your wife. That is a given. Now be the randy horny man that you wish you were and get in there and show her that you desire her PHYSICALLY.

Get some help if you need it. Get some Cialis or Viagra, or take some OTC sexual stimulant. Just do it and show yourself that you can do it.

This is so much just like being in a batting slump. It's in your head and all you need is a good hit...


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Does your wife exercise at all? How much does she weigh? What's her height?


Very little. She walks some. I have no idea what she weighs but I would guess she is 75 lbs over her weight for her height.
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