# Is this normal sexuality for a woman?



## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

I was wondering if this is normal. Here is our typical night of sex. A little kissing maybe a few minutes of oral, penetration. She cums twice me once and we are done for another week. Probably not bad for 10 minutes of effort. My problem is I am bored. I have tried for years to discuss this with her with little success. She says that she feels weird discussing sex. I have bought books for spicing things up and she threw them away. I bought her toys and she refuses to try them. She wont look at porn, try roleplay, bondage, anal or do anything other than what I listed above as typical night. Like I said this has gone on for years and I am now asking the TAM crowd for help. What do I do? Is this normal?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think "normal" and "female" belong in the same sentence. You just have to find the brand of weirdness you can live with.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I don't think "normal" and "female" belong in the same sentence. You just have to find the brand of weirdness you can live with.


As a woman....I agree with this statement. We are all unique.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

For one thing I'd try to stretch it out longer than 10 minutes. It sounds like she's going through the motions (granted, she's getting off).

Take a little longer each time. Don't talk about new stuff, just gradually try it. Try getting off first, getting her off, then going back for seconds. Different positions, but nothing extreme to start. See how that works.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

If she's getting off twice, and not lying about it, perhaps she doesn't really see any reason to change things up.

You're unsatisfied and bored. That however doesn't mean that she's unsatisfied and bored. If something is working for her, perhaps she's just scared to rock the boat?


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

I guess my point was why does what I want matter so little. Is it normal for people to not want to grow there sexual experiences?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> I guess my point was why does what I want matter so little. Is it normal for people to not want to grow there sexual experiences?


Not necessarily, especially if she's fine with the status quo. Why would she want something else?

That said, I do think that her unwillingness to at least talk about different things shows a lack of caringfor your needs and wants


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> I guess my point was why does what I want matter so little. Is it normal for people to not want to grow there sexual experiences?


Unfortunately yes, that's very typical.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A woman does not understand why this is important to you.
She probably does not feel she is denying you anything important (simply becuase it's not important to her).

You have to teach her. It's a process.

What is the most important thing you do to make your wife feel loved, appreciated and fulfilled? That's your starting point.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Prudes are a complete waste of time. They're secretly very happy with the misery they do to themselves and other people. That's what makes them judgmental prudes in the first place. And if it wasn't sex it would be something else. If you said you loved saffron in your food they'd suddenly develop an allergy to it.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Id say that a great majority of women don't enjoy being bound in ropes or chains, or having anal sex, or watching random people have sex on video. That doesn't make them prudes.

What kind of sex life do you want with your wife? One where she does "stuff" FOR you or one where she does it WITH you. If you're getting upset that she's not watching porn for you, roleplaying for you, having anal for you, then she can probably sense that you're after personal satisfation instead of mutual fulfillment.

Also, how are you, as a lover? I know you believe she has an orgasm or two. But does she actually? Have you felt them. When a woman orgasms, really orgasms, her vaginal walls contract and release rapidy for about 15 seconds. That can't be faked. Moaning loudly and wiggling around for a bit is not an orgasm. Breathing heavily and shaking is also not an indication, your wife can do that whenever. Try fingering her until "orgasm" and see if you feel the contracts. If you don't, yet she APPEARS to have orgasmed, she probably fakes with yo on a regular basis.

If foreplay and intercourse only last 10 minutes, she's probably bored and unsatisfied too. More so than you possibly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

So you need to extend your thinking beyond the typical erogenous zones. I would not even put it up for discussion and trust me she is not likely to resist, but you may want to simply give her a sensual massage. There are all type of "to do" videos you can watch and books to guide you. 

I don't know a woman who would not want to have a full body sensual massage. This can lead to all kinds of fun things. 

I spend 10 minute on my wife's feet and another on her hands when I do this... usually by the time I have worked my way to where it counts she is climbing up the wall.


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## AnnaBanana143 (Sep 11, 2012)

What new things do you want to try?

I've found the key to role playing with a less than enthusiastic partner is to let the partner be themselves in the role playing scenario (example with me and my husband, he gets to play himself, while I'm a naughty babysitter or a stripper propositioning him for more) it satisfies my role playing fantasies while not making him feel too uncomfortable, because he doesn't have to "fake it". Obviously since it's your wife that's the uncomfortable, your scenarios might be a little different.

Also, instead of porn, have you tried maybe reading erotica? Women as a whole tend to be less visual then men,,, porn does absolutely nothing for me, while erotica can really get me hot and bothered. A great site is literotica.com, they have LOTS of different stories, and no harm to your computer.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> I was wondering if this is normal. Here is our typical night of sex. A little kissing maybe a few minutes of oral, penetration. She cums twice me once and we are done for another week. Probably not bad for 10 minutes of effort. My problem is I am bored. I have tried for years to discuss this with her with little success. She says that she feels weird discussing sex. I have bought books for spicing things up and she threw them away. I bought her toys and she refuses to try them. She wont look at porn, try roleplay, bondage, anal or do anything other than what I listed above as typical night. Like I said this has gone on for years and I am now asking the TAM crowd for help. What do I do? Is this normal?


This sounds pretty much standard for us..... but it really didn't have to.

Only difference is, *I* like trying new things. I'm sure my husband loves the new things I try, but he doesn't initiate new things. So then I am left feeling like I put in effort and he reaps the rewards.....so it's back to standard sex.

Maybe your wife isn't being completely fulfilled? Not just during sex, but all day leading up to sex. I didn't even realize that was a HUGE problem for me until I really tried to analyze *why* I wasn't in the mood for sex like.....ever. And it was because, I didn't feel very "sexual". I felt like a mom and a housewife...... Maybe that isn't your wife's problem, but could it be that there is *something* lacking that makes her a little less enthusiastic about sex? Does she seem TOTALLY turned on and content with the way your sex life is going? Does it seem like a chore to her? 

Maybe you need to explain to her that sex is a really important part of your marriage and the only way the two of you are going to figure out what's working and what's not is by talking about it. My husband will talk to me about sex but for whatever reason I get the feeling he's also a little weirded out by talking about it.....idk..... Maybe she is just not used to talking about sex..... can you write each other a letter? Email? That way it's not face to face but still serves the purpose of being heard? Then maybe after airing everything out in a non stressful way, she might have some relief and feel more open to communicating with you about it in the future? Right now the priority is to discuss it by any means necessary. I know writing letters probably seems highschool-ish but if it serves it's purpose, great, right?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> I was wondering if this is normal. Here is our typical night of sex. *A little kissing maybe a few minutes of oral, penetration. She cums twice me once and we are done for another week. Probably not bad for 10 minutes of effort.*


I could never come that way. I wouldn't be anywhere near turned on enough by that to orgasm. I'm having a hard time believing that your wife really does orgasm from that. I'd barely be warmed up, and that's even if I had been in the mood to begin with. 

I need flirting and teasing during the day (all the time, really). I need a lot more kissing and touching and stroking. And time. I'd need more time. 



> My problem is I am bored. I have tried for years to discuss this with her with little success. She says that she feels weird discussing sex. I have bought books for spicing things up and she threw them away. I bought her toys and she refuses to try them. She wont look at porn, try roleplay, bondage, anal or do anything other than what I listed above as typical night. Like I said this has gone on for years and I am now asking the TAM crowd for help. What do I do? Is this normal?


So stop trying to talk about it; just do it. YOU begin - start making the changes to your sex life that you want to make. Next time, don't stop with a few kisses. Kiss her longer. Kiss her neck and her shoulders. Then kiss her lips again. Touch and stroke her everywhere. Find out where her erogenous zones are. Kiss her some more. Make kissing all over your new "normal". 

Then ramp it up next time. Add something else you'd like to do _*for her pleasure*_ during sex. Make that the new normal. Once she starts feeling pleasure, she'll start returning the favor and will be open to doing more to please you.

I hope you aren't expecting bondage and roleplay and all the stuff you like to see in porn. She's nowhere near ready to start being playful. 

This is going to take a while, because it sounds like you two need to reconnect in order to be more passionate lovers. Be patient. But start adding passion to your nights together.

Don't wait for her to come around on her own, or to start reading books. Flirt with your wife. Tell her she's sexy. Text her that you were just thinking about kissing her...lips. Seduce your wife! This is your job as her husband! Take charge and wake the poor lady up to sensual pleasure.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Did you say 10 minutes for sex? No that is not enough time for anything much. I would say slow it down . You sound like you're rushing . If you slow it down, you might be able to work a new position in. Just take it one new position at a time.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Sounds just like my marriage..wife orgasms(i feel the contractions), shes always satisfied..im usually unsatisfied...ive explained what i like countless times..from the pretty normal to more extreme, like anal..
What I find works best is when I ask for things..but not nagging, instead in a playful kind of way, it for some reason excites her..her pleasing me..but this is also kinda random, sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt..usually shes tires by the time we go to bed, so anything happening from there on seems like its a chore for her..
We dont have kids. I workout,alot and have a high drive..she rarely works out..but when she does, her drive seems to be a bit higher..and shes more "in the mood" or happy with herself so now she wants to make me happy..

But yeah I know what u mean...i swear if I start telling her that I absolutely love dogs(which she does also) she will start acting like she cant stand them, meanwhile with her mom she will talk about dogs till 2am..but yet she cant on a normal night stay up to have sex with me..
Just an example...
Sorrt, not much help..but,I share ur frustration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

One question, Have you ever just acted on your impulse? If so, what was the reaction?


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

To answer the questions out there, YES i am sure she has the orgasms. We talked about this issue the other night and she said "Theres no need to do anything new as long as we both orgasm. Couples that dont orgasm have problems, we are fine". I have tried acting on impulses in the past. If something risque is on TV, she"ll say "What are you watching? I am going to bed". (and not in a good way). If I touch anal she moves away. If I say lets stop by the adult store, I get "Uhh NO". I think maybe KL84 may be on too something.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

First of all, how old are you and your wife? Ten minutes to orgasm could be happening when we are young and new to the joy of sex. 
When my wife discovered the joy of sex for the first time at 17, she told me she could orgasm just from nipples flicking and sucking by her first boyfriend. Their usual sex ritual will be kissing 2-3 minutes, then breast and nipples kissing another 3-4 minutes, then he going down on her for 3-4 minutes. She said his technique was very inadequate, he doesn't even touch her clit. But when he put in her, rocked 5-10 times, she cum. They were dating for six months. had sex 4-5 times a week for 5 months, and all that time she was easily orgasm, until she found him cheat on her that she broke up with him.
When young, the anticipation is very high. So time and technique are not an important factor.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Your wife is like my wife was leading up to ILYNILWYA.

Just sayin... I don't want that one back. I will only accept a new version of my wife..it all starts with YOU.
She isn't into YOU.

ILNILWY around the corner.

Keep an eye out for my Marriage 2.0 thread in the near future...I'll have advice for you.

FYI just because she O's does not mean she likes sex with you. You are seen as a chore. Shes probably thinking of another man. a better one. Sucks but true.

Sex to our wife is below just about anything you can think of...she only does it so you don't leave her. She is on her way to checking out. Your fault, she used to love you.

Advice either let it happen ILYNILWY... there will be hope OR try becomming a better man now. Actually I think the ILYNILWY gives you better odds of turning your life around personally.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Helpme1 quote
> She says that she feels weird discussing sex
> 
> If something risque is on TV, she"ll say "What are you watching? I am going to bed". (and not in a good way). If I touch anal she moves away. If I say lets stop by the adult store, I get "Uhh NO".




Seems like she thinks sex is nasty or degrading or something not real healthy.


She cannot deny her body and has settled for once a week with two squirts. That gets the physical out of the way and she does not have to think about nasty or degrading.



*Hope she can get someone (female) to help her with this.* You should not expect her to do anything that hurts her (like anal). However, an improvement in her view of sex seems to be needed. Getting it on more than once a week with different positions and a little spice (massages, Victoria Secret attire, Licking, using the hands, silk sheets, etc) seems to be a good move towards enhancing you both sexually.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

NoraJane,

I agree with your approach 100%! Very well stated.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm struggling with the fact that the advice given here is predominantly that the man has a problem. Either he's not taking enough time to "warm her up" throughout the day, or the expectations are unreasonable, or he's not very good in bed and she's faking orgasms. 

What if she's just a prude? What if she's sexually repressed and just doesn't feel that his need for more sexual exploration is important? There are a lot of assumptions going on here that suggest that this is his fault. From my personal experience I can tell you that it probably isn't.


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## The dumb-one (Sep 22, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I'm struggling with the fact that the advice given here is predominantly that the man has a problem. Either he's not taking enough time to "warm her up" throughout the day, or the expectations are unreasonable, or he's not very good in bed and she's faking orgasms.
> 
> What if she's just a prude? What if she's sexually repressed and just doesn't feel that his need for more sexual exploration is important? There are a lot of assumptions going on here that suggest that this is his fault. From my personal experience I can tell you that it probably isn't.



I agree with this. My husband is impossible to get warmed up sometimes. Sometimes their sex drive is just too low and sex doesn't matter to him or her I guess. 
I wouldn't like people saying its because I don't dress sexy enough or I'm not working to turn him on... I can't do a whole lot more.


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

I guess all of what I am saying is that I am bothered by the lack of importance placed on my needs or the needs of our marraige. No matter how much we discuss it, nothing changes. Is this normal? I want passion and someone who care about my needs. I have given all that I have to make sure her sexual needs are met and I dont get that in return. IS THIS NORMAL??? I get that people are into different things but I thought that a relationship was give and take. Not give a little and indifference the rest of the time. I have done many things too her to please her that I havent found a turn on but hearing and feeling how she is stimulated is. WTH????


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

aribabe said:


> Id say that a great majority of women don't enjoy being bound in ropes or chains, or having anal sex, or watching random people have sex on video. That doesn't make them prudes.
> 
> *However being satisfied with a stagnant sex life, throwing books away that a spouse introduces, not using toys and refusing to discuss physical intimacy screams "prude" quite loudly*
> 
> ...


Bitter much


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I get what you're saying.

There has been some good ideas in this thread, but I wonder if your wife hasn't just 'check out' on the sex component of your relationship.

I think she views it as a 'treat' rather than a vital part of a marriage. Dessert at the dinner table, not part of the main course.

As such, she doesn't see the need to discussing it. It works for her, she knows you orgasm so she can't see the problem you're having (she likely equates an orgasm with great sex), so what's the problem?

Well, I understand the problem. Enthusiasm.

It's great to have sex, but it's like having your favorite treat. Yes, I love chocolate ice cream. nine times out of 10, that's what I want. But once in a while, I'm interested in seeing what a butterscotch ice cream tastes like. Or a rocky road. Or some other type. I can't just have chocolate every time.

There's more than one flavor of ice cream. Just ask Baskin Robins. The same goes for sex, and you can't, and shouldn't, be faulted for wanting to get the sample pack and taste-testing everything out there.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> To answer the questions out there, YES i am sure she has the orgasms. We talked about this issue the other night and she said "Theres no need to do anything new as long as we both orgasm. Couples that dont orgasm have problems, we are fine".


Well, that was your cue to tell her that "we" are not fine because YOU are not fine with your sex life. 



> I have tried acting on impulses in the past. If something risque is on TV, she"ll say "What are you watching? I am going to bed". (and not in a good way). If I touch anal she moves away. If I say lets stop by the adult store, I get "Uhh NO". I think maybe KL84 may be on too something.


A LOT of women aren't into porn, anal and adult stores.

Have you tried other positions, sexy texts, massages, that kind of thing? I wouldn't try ramping up to anal and porn and toys if you're currently stuck in missionary position. That's too much, too soon in terms of expectations. Change is incremental, and only happens if the person is enjoying what they currently are experiencing.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't know why i'd be bitter about someone elses sex life. That would require much more emotion than I'm willing to invest in anyone's sex life but my own lol.

Men just tend to overestimate their sexual skills, and women are mostly at fault for that so I can't totally blame the men. But because guys often believe they are better than they actually are, its neccesary to ask certain questions. Women who aren't satisfied with their husbands aren't going to want sex with them very often. And by his own admission, the entirety of the sexual experience lasts a whole 10 minutes lol, most women aren't going to be thoroughly pleased a satisfied with a lover that believes 10 minutes is enough time to arouse her, have foreplay, and intercourse.

If a man's wife isn't having sex with him, one of the first places he should look is at himself as lover imo. Don't trust her telling you or showing you that she's orgasming. Women lie about orgasms regularly, we just do. So if you want to know if she really is, you've got to feel for it, litterally. Sex can certainly be enjoyable for the woman without orgasms, but she should be genuinely "getting her's" AT LEAST 60% of the time.



RClawson said:


> Bitter much


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I'm struggling with the fact that the advice given here is predominantly that the man has a problem. Either he's not taking enough time to "warm her up" throughout the day, or the expectations are unreasonable, or he's not very good in bed and she's faking orgasms.
> 
> What if she's just a prude? What if she's sexually repressed and just doesn't feel that his need for more sexual exploration is important? There are a lot of assumptions going on here that suggest that this is his fault. From my personal experience I can tell you that it probably isn't.


They didn't get to only 10 minutes of sex with a few kisses, a little oral and some penetration without BOTH of them creating that reality. He has contributed to this situation over the years as well. She's not posting here...he is...his behavior is the only thing that he can change.

Yes, she may be a prude, which is why pushing her to go to adult stores and watch porn and try anal is not the best approach. That's setting himself up for more rejection if he keeps up with that. 

If she's a prude, this didn't just happen - she's always been that way. Starting slow and gradually, over time, building up to more passion is a good way to inch closer to his ideal.

As her husband, he can wake her up to passion and sensuality if she's a prude, but not by pushing his agenda onto her. She needs to experience _sensuality _from her husband.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

aribabe said:


> I don't know why i'd be bitter about someone elses sex life. That would require much more emotion than I'm willing to invest in anyone's sex life but my own lol.
> 
> *Please allow me to clarify.I knew you were not bitter about the OP's sex life. Get it now?*
> 
> ...


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

RClawson, you've got some serious issues dude. And I am not kidding :rofl: you should maybe see someone...couldn't hurt

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

aribabe said:


> RClawson, you've got some serious issues dude. And I am not kidding :rofl: you should maybe see someone...couldn't hurt
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your underlying seething hostility is only overshadowed by your obvious ignorance. Good night and goodbye.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> I was wondering if this is normal. Here is our typical night of sex. A little kissing maybe a few minutes of oral, penetration. She cums twice me once and we are done for another week. Probably not bad for 10 minutes of effort. My problem is I am bored. I have tried for years to discuss this with her with little success. She says that she feels weird discussing sex. I have bought books for spicing things up and she threw them away. I bought her toys and she refuses to try them. She wont look at porn, try roleplay, bondage, anal or do anything other than what I listed above as typical night. Like I said this has gone on for years and I am now asking the TAM crowd for help. What do I do? Is this normal?


Thought I'd re-post the OP as I feel some replies and suggestions got carried away in a futile discussion of what "she" needs more of in order to feel sexual. 

-He has tried for many years to discuss this with her with little success as she feels "weird" discussing sex. 
I for one applaud your efforts in opening a dialogue with your wife about your sex life. She needs to recognize that she has issues discussing sex and do something about it for the good of the relationship. 

- He has bought books for spicing things up and she threw them away. I'm betting she didn't read them. 
Again, good effort on your part OP. By getting those books and bringing them to her it shows that you feel sex is an important part of your marriage and if it's important to you perhaps she'd like to put in a bit of effort to show you that your needs and feelings matter. 

-He has purchased toys, porn, ropes etc. Maybe the OP needs to buy her a new car. Good god man you are making the effort here and from what you have written she is making no effort at all because and here's the biggie - SHE DOES NOT FEEL YOUR NEEDS ARE IMPORTANT. 

On the other hand, perhaps you need to sext her more, work out more, get more romantic, light some candles, run a bath for her, give her a massage, hell give her two, do the alpha beta balance, become more attractive, dress better, use dirt and gun oil for a cologne ( throw that Old Spice away), shave with a rusty dull razor, buy a chainsaw and cut some sh*t down right in front of her. ( beat your chest and grunt while doing this ) Ask her not to lie to you about orgasms ( since when is it okay to lie to your spouse - and yes even about orgasms - Ladies cut that sh#t out. ) 

Or perhaps just this once she could recognize that maybe she could do something too because it's important to you and you matter....naw.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

A lot of you are missing the point. You're getting hung up on 10 minutes, and anal and not seeing the big picture here.

The act of intimacy is important to him and clearly not to her. That is a betrayal in a marriage. If she has a problem with his technique and that's contributing to her lack of desire she needs to knuckle up and have an adult conversation with her man. All that rejection just breeds resentment...which is marriage death.

True all we have to go on is his behaviours...so why do we assume they are "wrong"? Why can't it be that her reactions to the "stimuli" are wrong.

The fact that this got turned around into everything he's not doing right shows me that you guys are seriously projecting here.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Oh my.... and I'm hostile? :rofl: I suppose its all perspective 



RClawson said:


> Your underlying seething hostility is only overshadowed by your obvious ignorance. Good night and goodbye.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

sinnister said:


> A lot of you are missing the point. You're getting hung up on 10 minutes, and anal and not seeing the big picture here.
> 
> *I would say that anal and 10 minutes of possibly (likely....) non orgasmic sex for her is a part of the big picture. If his wife is already unsatisfied, which she may or may not be (debatable) she's not going to want to do "extra" things to fulfill his desires. Especially when he desire's things that a majority of women are either turned off by, or feel pain from (anal). Its not as awesome as it looks in porn, those ladies are paid very well to have their bottoms streched out and damged like that *
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robnovack (Sep 28, 2012)

Don't talk about it, do it! Have a plan, take a shower with her and stimulate her slowly after bathing her, carress her V.. and her Anus. Kiss her, lick her and then step out of the shower and leave it alone.
Do things like this with out SEX... teach her to need it, teach her to want it teach her that it's ok to let that inner beast out without any possibility of judgement. Just don't talk about it. Eventually she will come around but it takes time and patience. She needs to learn to masterbate and let her fantasies fly..she will become a better sex partner. Help her love her body as much as you do. Women are a miracle but sooo...complicated


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

aribabe said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand your point of view and I agree with it...but I dont think it applies to this situation...unless I'm confused. :scratchhead:

What I here when I read his post is not the acts that he wants to try but the fact that there is no consideration, dailogue or mutual respect to even discuss the issues.

Again...you're getting hung up on the what. I don't think the "what" is why he's upset.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

But it looks like they have discussed it, a least enough for him to know that she doesn't like it. Yet he keeps pushing it, and all in the name of intimacy. Intimacy is mutual, what he wants is solely self fulfilling as far as I can tell.



sinnister said:


> I understand your point of view and I agree with it...but I dont think it applies to this situation...unless I'm confused. :scratchhead:
> 
> What I here when I read his post is not the acts that he wants to try but the fact that there is no consideration, dailogue or mutual respect to even discuss the issues.
> 
> Again...you're getting hung up on the what. I don't think the "what" is why he's upset.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

aribabe said:


> But it looks like they have discussed it, a least enough for him to know that she doesn't like it. Yet he keeps pushing it, and all in the name of intimacy. Intimacy is mutual, what he wants is solely self fulfilling as far as I can tell.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is it self fullfilling though? I have wants and desires in my intimate life that you would probably laugh at me for as well. But for all of my wifes sexual repression, she at least is very understanding, thoughtful and compassionate when it comes to these desires (my fetish). That doesn't mean captitualte, that means a true level of understanding about what your man wants desires are.

It sounds like you're just thinking he's a porn guy and just wants his wife to act like a porn star. I can tell you from a mans perspective - while appealing in theory - none of us really want that in practice.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Its self fulfilling because he's the only one receiving any fulfillment from it. Understanding and having a desire to do those things are not synonymous. She understands that he want's to f*ck her in the a*s but she'd rather her bottom be left alone. How is that wrong? I have a desire to use a strap-on on my husband, he's totally not interested. It would be wrong for me to guilt him into doing that under the guise of intimacy. Though I'm sure with enough pestering that I could.

I don't know if he's a porn guy or not. But from what I can tell he certainly does want her to act like a pornstar, no matter how much she genuinely dislikes it, she should ACT like she likes it, for him and for intimacy. At least porn stars get paid to act like that and deal with the pain/discomfort...

The thing is, I'm fine with women faking it in bed, faking orgasms, faking excitement, it's all part of the fun. I do it with/for my husband all the time. But no woman should feign enjoyment for something she honestly doesn't like or that hurts her. That isn't intimacy imo.



sinnister said:


> Why is it self fullfilling though? I have wants and desires in my intimate life that you would probably laugh at me for as well. But for all of my wifes sexual repression, she at least is very understanding, thoughtful and compassionate when it comes to these desires (my fetish). That doesn't mean captitualte, that means a true level of understanding about what your man wants desires are.
> 
> It sounds like you're just thinking he's a porn guy and just wants his wife to act like a porn star. I can tell you from a mans perspective - while appealing in theory - none of us really want that in practice.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Its self fulfilling because he's the only one receiving any fulfillment from it. Understanding and having a desire to do those things are not synonymous. She understands that he want's to f*ck her in the a*s but she'd rather her bottom be left alone. How is that wrong? I have a desire to use a strap-on on my husband, he's totally not interested. It would be wrong for me to guilt him into doing that under the guise of intimacy. Though I'm sure with enough pestering that I could.
> 
> I don't know if he's a porn guy or not. But from what I can tell he certainly does want her to act like a pornstar, no matter how much she genuinely dislikes it, she should ACT like she likes it, for him and for intimacy. At least porn stars get paid to act like that and deal with the pain/discomfort...
> 
> ...


If all he wanted was anal, I'd agree with you. He doesn't.

He wants to spice things up, and listed several other options, as well as a desire to discuss sex with his wife. She won't even talk about sex with him. Not just anal, but sex. 

That's her issue. All the OP wants is to explore sex and try different things. He never said that anal is a must for him or else, he just mentioned it as a possibility. From what I gather, he just wants to do something other than what they've been doing and she won't even discuss the possibility of it.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There is a lot of projecting going on up in this thread.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Robnovack said:


> Don't talk about it, do it! Have a plan, take a shower with her and stimulate her slowly after bathing her, carress her V.. and her Anus. Kiss her, lick her and then step out of the shower and leave it alone.
> Do things like this with out SEX... teach her to need it, teach her to want it teach her that it's ok to let that inner beast out without any possibility of judgement. Just don't talk about it. Eventually she will come around but it takes time and patience. She needs to learn to masterbate and let her fantasies fly..she will become a better sex partner. Help her love her body as much as you do. Women are a miracle but sooo...complicated



I agree. This may help. You can spice up every day with little things that aren't full blown sex. Give it about a month then try to get it done in the daytime. If you wait for bedtime you'll fall into a rut for sure. 
OP don't feel bad, my wife would fall into this as well if left to here own devices. My guess is there's some guilt issues connected to sex. So talking about it might make it worse. Just work it for the long game.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

aribabe said:


> Its self fulfilling because *he's the only one receiving any fulfillment from it.* Understanding and having a desire to do those things are not synonymous. *She understands that he want's to f*ck her in the a*s but she'd rather her bottom be left alone. *How is that wrong? I have a desire to use a strap-on on my husband, he's totally not interested. It would be wrong for me to* guilt him into doing that under the guise of intimacy.* Though I'm sure with enough pestering that I could.
> 
> I don't know if he's a porn guy or not. But from what I can tell *he certainly does want her to act like a pornstar, no matter how much she genuinely dislikes it, she should ACT like she likes it, for him and for intimacy. *At least porn stars get paid to act like that and deal with the pain/discomfort...
> 
> ...


Airbabe..you make it difficult to disagree with you because your points are valid. But again you're arguing on the wifes behalf yet you have no reason to believe this is the right position.

I have bolded the areas where you are making assumptions about the OP's wife and his intentions without taking his words at face value. This is why myself and a couple of other posters here say you're projecting....where on earth in his posts does he say he's trying to force her to like anal? :scratchhead:

He's saying he wants to spice things up and have adult conversations about desire.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

You have your own sexual needs to contend with as well. So I'd highly advise the two of you to sit down and discuss those needs either face-to-face with each other, or in the presence of a good counselor or a sex therapist! This is absolutely no time for shyness!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I have bolded the areas where you are making assumptions about the OP's wife and his intentions without taking his words at face value. This is why myself and a couple of other posters here say you're projecting....where on earth in his posts does he say he's trying to force her to like anal? :scratchhead:
> 
> He's saying he wants to spice things up and have adult conversations about desire.


Well, he does also say this in his first post:



Helpme1 said:


> She wont look at porn, try roleplay, bondage, anal or do anything other than what I listed above as typical night.


Force? No. But, yes, he does want her to try anal, among other things which are a leap for many women, much less a woman who doesn't want more than 10 minutes of any kind of sex.

Maybe if his ideas for spicing things up weren't something that a lot of women aren't interested in, his wife would be more interested in spicing things up. I have no interest in any of those things he listed, so I wouldn't be spending much time talking or thinking about those things either.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Airbabe..you make it difficult to disagree with you because your points are valid. But again you're arguing on the wifes behalf yet you have no reason to believe this is the right position.
> 
> *From what can see... it is the right position. Since he seems concerned with only his desire's for "intimacy" and "spice", his wife's turn off's be damned, someone's got to see things from the her side. He's (imo) not*
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Then the question is what does this man do? 

This is beyond a matter of a man wanting his wife to be a porn star. 

- He says flat out that she refuses to talk about sex because she "feels weird". 

- He bought books about spicing up the sex life, and she threw them away.

- He bought toys, and she refused to try them.

The woman doesn't seem open to _anything_. She doesn't even want to discuss what her desires are. 

So what, pray tell, does a man do with a woman like that who isn't even interested in discussing sex, much less trying new things?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I agree you have to blatantly put all your sex needs on the table with her... this is between you and your wife... no counselor needed. You have to state your needs multiple times. So it sinks in her mind. 

Just be careful when you state your needs... if you want wait for my plan to be published and I'll tell you how and when so it takes hold. Should be available for public consumption in a few weeks or so.

Start establishing a consistent sucky-sex baseline of your behavior... you aren't happy so don't act happy all the time and don't do anymore than 51% of stuff for the household. More details later. Simply back off and give her some space to process things.

Don't be grumpy... just don't be ultra happy. Don't do as much as when you got sex. She needs to feel stressed to. Can't let her have her cake and eat it too. Stop the bleeding.

Counselors are a third party that validate HER bad behaviors(because they have to be down the middle) and weaken your stance. Be a man this is between you and your wife...solve it and find the acceptable middle of sexual behaviors.


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## Robnovack (Sep 28, 2012)

I think alot of you are mistaking his needs for sex with intimacy. Men want to be loved, respected and appreciated and yes sometimes we need intimacy just to make us feel better but we need SEX, mostly nasty dirty recreational sex...period. Women do also. The problem is getting the two together at the same time and with each other. 
Men like *****s in bed but ladies in public (mostly). We are are visual creatures more so than women that's where the "kink" comes in to play. 
The fact is that sometimes personal history between couples prevent the exploration into sexuality or the fear of reprisal/judgement. It takes a tremendous amount of trust to get into that realm of sexuality and play,,,maybe they just have never built it. Too bad because it can be life changing. We are are very much the same the only exception is the degree that we are in touch with it and the level of self denial.


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## Robnovack (Sep 28, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Then the question is what does this man do?
> 
> This is beyond a matter of a man wanting his wife to be a porn star.
> 
> ...


In reply to your ponderings; he finds what he is looking for elswhere, why should he be denied sexual fulfilment if she refuses to even explore some possibilities, and obviously why should he be denied the intimacy that comes with honest open sexual exchange. The problem is more than just in the bedroom it always stems from problems within the marriage so this goes deeper. Her action of throwing away the books etc, is an act of aggression the quuestion is how does he normally treat her daily that she would be this way, resentment flows both ways. A women can not be sexual or intimate with her man if she feels (justly or unjustly) mistreated. etc, etc..


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Helpme1 said:


> I guess all of what I am saying is that I am bothered by the lack of importance placed on my needs or the needs of our marraige. No matter how much we discuss it, nothing changes. Is this normal? I want passion and someone who care about my needs. I have given all that I have to make sure her sexual needs are met and I dont get that in return. IS THIS NORMAL??? I get that people are into different things but I thought that a relationship was give and take. Not give a little and indifference the rest of the time. I have done many things too her to please her that I havent found a turn on but hearing and feeling how she is stimulated is. WTH????


It was normal in my marriage. I was stunned by the lack of sex as years went on and tried to talk about it many times, but with no results. It's like she really didn't know why she didn't want sex more often. I was willing to hear anything; bad breath, lousy lover, etc., at least i would have known something to try to improve.

She tried to play the "dirty" card. To her, sex wasn't an important part of marriage; in her eyes, i was just a pig for wanting more sex. When I first came here and read about women who enjoyed pleasing their man and doing things just for him, it blew my mind, because it was far from my x wife's attitude.



kingsfan said:


> I get what you're saying.
> 
> There has been some good ideas in this thread, but I wonder if your wife hasn't just 'check out' on the sex component of your relationship.
> 
> ...


I think that is how my wife viewed it. I guess she wondered why i wanted chocolate ice cream so much.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Shes missing out! I dont get some women :scratchhead:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

norajane said:


> Well, he does also say this in his first post:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He can't help what he wants and shouldn't have to curb his appetite because a lot of women aren't interested in it. In a healthy relationship it should be give and take. At the very least, they should be able to discuss the issues. They shouldnt immediately be off the table because he would derive pleasure from it or it was in a porn.

I do tons of things with my wife that aren't pleasurable to me physically. But I get pleasure from GIVING pleasure to her.

But what do I know...I'm in a sexless marriage so I could be wrong.


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