# I need affection but my wife doesn't give it to me. Any advice?



## Kurious (Feb 4, 2015)

So background, I'm a 27 year old male. We started dating when I was 18 and got married at 21.

I have always been affectionate. I usually give hugs instead of shaking hands. My wife actually loved that when we first met. We have roommates, and when I watch TV I sometimes lean on my male roommates (females would be inappropriate). When we first started dating she was always willing to cuddle and we had sex often. Sex had since decreased dramatically but I was always expecting that. Although I wish it was more often than 2-4 times a month, I guess I'm okay with that. But what makes me sad is that all affection has gone away. She never let's me cuddle her at night. She never wants kisses. I have to ask her for hugs. 
It's not that she doesn't love me. We are both very much in love and dedicated to one another. She just says she isn't affectionate. It's been bothering me a lot. I just want to hold her sometimes. I feel like our marriage it's lacking a lot in that respect and I am craving some sorry of affection. 
Another problem is, since we don't have sex often I think I tend to grab her body sexually a lot. My libido is off the charts and hers is craft low. So I think is also in her head that she doesn't want to cuddle because she thinks I just want to grab her, or I just want sex.

I see her point there. And I try to not grope her when we are in bed. I focus and am respectful but then still get rejected from cuddling. I get so frustrated because I'm doing nothing to make her not want my affection. So after much effort I just give up and go about touching her if I want. It's a bad cycle: I respect her body, get denied, I go back to old ways, I miss her affection, so I go back to respecting her body, I then get rejected again. It turns out she just doesn't care about being close and sharing affection. What do I do when this is what means most to me in a relationship?

I want to hold her so bad right now. She just for back from a 4 day trip away from me and I was missing her like crazy. We just went to be and she made a cocoon for herself and didn't want me in her space.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I think it is ****ty for someone to be in a relationship and deny affection to the other. Tell her how you feel and how important it is to you. If you've already done that and she still refuses, you might want to think about moving on. Especially if you don't have kids. Do it before you have kids. Just my opinion.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Kurious said:


> So background, I'm a 27 year old male. We started dating when I was 18 and got married at 21.


All about you. Interesting. Nothing about her. And nobody else noticed, except maybe to wonder: how old is she?



Kurious said:


> It's not that she doesn't love me. We are both very much in love and dedicated to one another.


Get ready for a ride. You have NO CLUE!




Kurious said:


> I want to hold her so bad right now. She just for back from a 4 day trip away from me and I was missing her like crazy. We just went to be and she made a cocoon for herself and didn't want me in her space.



Anyone want to reconsider casting me as the anti-Christ in those Walk-Away-Wife threads?

No? Because he thinks she still loves him. And all of YOU are going to start bringing in advice like: "do more of the chores", "give her more attention, are you doing 15 hours a week"? "What are your love busters?". And my favorite: "have you considered counseling?".

I'm not going to explain why I'm still living with MY WAW. But I am. And after 20 or so years after her falling out of love with me, and after the 5 or so since I found out, I go to bed EVERY NIGHT with your little cocoon scenario playing out. EVERY NIGHT!

And every nght, after 5 years, I still hold out a little hope that she will turn to me, hold me and say "I love you".

Every night. And I die a little more every night when it doesn't happen. 

And I'm 54 now. 3 kids in or nearing college. I'm stuck. You are not. You are a god to me. You get a do-over. Don't waste it.

And please...PLEASE find out what you did to push her away. Come back and explain it after it happens. I need at least ONE other person on my side who finally "gets" WAW's. It may be you.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

LostinMO said:


> Tell her how you feel and how important it is to you.


You're new, right? 

Talk doesn't apply to any of the threads on this board. Most posters THINK it does, but it doesn't.

Act or die.

And she knows...

...she knows.

She just doesn't care.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Pull back and stop chasing her. You know she is not an affectionate person; this needs to change but she has to make a choice to make some changes. Things obviously cannot continue on as they are but I don't see a reason to get all dramatic and fatalistic about the marriage just yet.

You are not compatible as an affectionate person with a non-affectionate person. Either she needs to do more, or you need to do less. If she refuses to do more, you will cease to chase her, cease to fill the gap between you and it will widen and the relationship will eventually deteriorate and die a natural death. This will eventually happen anyway, but what you can do right now is make her make a conscious choice.

I was not an affectionate person; I still struggle sometimes. However I am aware of this and I know it's a problem and I've made a concerted effort to change this. This is the same struggle my sister has had, who has also made a concerted effort to become the affectionate person her partner needed. The catalyst for the change in my own marriage was DH making me make a conscious choice. He said either I could be more affectionate or he would stop, but it wasn't going to continue the way it had been. It took me mere seconds to see the consequences of making the wrong choice; he would stop bridging the gap between us, it would grow wider and wider until we had no love left between us. OR, I could make a decision to change, make the effort he required and have the marriage I really wanted.

At the moment, she is on autopilot. Make her take the wheel and see which way she turns. If she turns away from you, then you can choose for yourself what you are willing to live with, or without in this case.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Buddy, most, not all 27 year old women, like affection AND sex. And you are getting neither with a wife who travels on business apparently and comes home and acts as if you are a piece of furniture.

Someone else just told you to get ready for the wild ride. 

I hate to tell you this but my guess is there is another man involved here, and if I were you I would NOT ask. I would find out the good old fashioned way, and SNOOP.

If you ask, you will get gaslighted (translation made to think you are nuts) and she will be on notice her excuses are not cutting it.

If she is telling you the truth, and I doubt it, you have a lifetime of frustration headed your way. I'd stay away from MC or therapy until you know what you are dealing with and right now you are I am afraid clueless.

Hope I am wrong but you have some major Fred flags staring you in the face. Don't be ;like a deer staring into headlights.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I hope you don't have kids.

If you don't, then tell her if she doesn't change you are going to leave her and find a woman who is affectionate with you.

If you do, then you have to figure out what to do about them first.

BTW, I agree that she may have a boyfriend, but that really isn't relevant to the question of what you should do.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anyone else think it's a little odd that OP leans on the male roommate for affection?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Anyone else think it's a little odd that OP leans on the male roommate for affection?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I caught that.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

technovelist said:


> tell her if she doesn't change you are going to leave her and find a woman who is affectionate with you.


Hmmm. You're NOT new and still advising to "tell her".


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Anyone else think it's a little odd that OP leans on the male roommate for affection?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm choosing to ignore that because it was in the past, when he was younger and had male roommates, and if females did that nobody would think anything of it. Pretty sure I probably was like that in my younger/college years.

To the OP, I think this issue is like any other love language issue. Even if it is not HER love language, it is yours and as your wife she needs to be willing to meet your need for that just as you need to be willing to meet whatever her love language is (i.e. words of affirmation, time, gifts). It's not rocket science.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Do you have children? Sometimes when women get into Mommy mode they are all touched out and don't feel like being touched at the end of the day. Your wife is not the huggy affectionate type. She also has a lower sexual libido than you. If you have children then stick it out until they are grown. If you don't have children then I would think twice if you want to stay in this marriage that makes you so frustrated. You will get more resentful and feel more rejected as the years go on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you mean you have room mates?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm choosing to ignore that because it was in the past, when he was younger and had male roommates, and if females did that nobody would think anything of it. Pretty sure I probably was like that in my younger/college years.
> 
> To the OP, I think this issue is like any other love language issue. Even if it is not HER love language, it is yours and as your wife she needs to be willing to meet your need for that just as you need to be willing to meet whatever her love language is (i.e. words of affirmation, time, gifts). It's not rocket science.


I wasn't intending judgement, I just thought it could suggest a certain dynamic that could be off putting to his wife. 

But I could be wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like they still have roommates. Get rid of the roommates - you're not in college anymore.

As far as hugging instead of shaking hands just make sure you know the person really, really well. Hugs from a man always sqicked out my husband (unless it was family).

She was fine with affection before marriage - what happened after? If nothing happened, it sounds like a bait & switch.

You do need to eliminate the other man scenario. You do need to change up your game - reverting to tried and failed approaches will get you nowhere.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Kurious said:


> I want to hold her so bad right now. She just for back from a 4 day trip away from me and I was missing her like crazy. We just went to be and she made a cocoon for herself and didn't want me in her space.


I'd guess that she is not releasing emotions as she did in the early relationship, no?

I want you to go back to the drawing board and evaluate what all is missing from the relationship. There is a missing piece from your post. Typically, this happens and that person would be overbearing - further pushing the unaffectionate one away. Your expectations and exerted control can cause your sexual hunger to skyrocket and hers to plummet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kurious said:


> So background, I'm a 27 year old male. We started dating when I was 18 and got married at 21.
> 
> I have always been affectionate. I usually give hugs instead of shaking hands. My wife actually loved that when we first met. We have roommates, and when I watch TV I sometimes lean on my male roommates (females would be inappropriate). When we first started dating she was always willing to cuddle and we had sex often. Sex had since decreased dramatically but I was always expecting that. Although I wish it was more often than 2-4 times a month, I guess I'm okay with that. But what makes me sad is that all affection has gone away. She never let's me cuddle her at night. She never wants kisses. I have to ask her for hugs.
> It's not that she doesn't love me. We are both very much in love and dedicated to one another. She just says she isn't affectionate. It's been bothering me a lot. I just want to hold her sometimes. I feel like our marriage it's lacking a lot in that respect and I am craving some sorry of affection.
> ...


Some people do not like physical touching.

Abuse or sexual assault victims, people who are ASD, for example.

Have you considered counselling for you both as individuals and as a couple?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> I'd guess that she is not releasing emotions as she did in the early relationship, no?
> 
> I want you to go back to the drawing board and evaluate what all is missing from the relationship. There is a missing piece from your post. Typically, this happens and that person would be overbearing - further pushing the unaffectionate one away. Your expectations and exerted control can cause your sexual hunger to skyrocket and hers to plummet.


There has to be something missing from the relationship?

That is a very simplistic and somewhat outdated view of this problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Is it possible that you want TOO MUCH affection? I mean, to the point where she feels physically SMOTHERED instead of loved?

I had a similar issue with my late husband. At first I enjoyed his affection. But after a while, it got to be too much. Seemed I couldn't even walk from one room to another without him pawing at me, groping me or wanting a hug or a kiss or both, PLUS we were having sex MORE THAN _*DAILY*_. He also wanted foot rubs and back massages meaning...MORE touching. He later confessed that he wanted us to be "permanently attached at the hip". 

In his defense, neither of his parents were very affectionate toward him or each other, so I'm sure he was over compensating. 

But it got to the point where I felt smothered, like I was being slowly *absorbed* into him. Like, he didn't want to see me as an individual...someone who was a _separate_ person from himself, but one in the same. 

Several years later, I left him. 

I'm all for joint counseling on this issue.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lose the roommates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Hmmm. You're NOT new and still advising to "tell her".


Not just tell her, but actually leave if she doesn't change.

So I'm not getting your point.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Wow. 

Ok, so here is the thing. There is a 99.999% chance that she would in fact be a very affectionate woman if it was with the *right* guy. Most people LOVE touching and cuddling with members of the opposite sex that they are attracted to. Would she turn down Brad Pitt? ( I am pretty sure that is the wrong name to throw in there by about 10 years, but you get the point). If yes, then you have one of those 'she may not be a very affectionate person' people. But again, it is highly unlikely, as, again, if she were excited by you she would crave your touch. 

This is different than claiming the 'bait and switch' thing also, because quite likely in the beginning she WAS excited to be around and with you. Could another man be playing into this? Possibly, but in either case she just is not wanting you right now. 

I would NOT TALK to her about this, it will turn her off even more. I would start doing things for yourself, being happy (and not moping) around her and give her an idea, again with you being the happy life-loving man you are, what it is going to be like when you move on with your life ( to another woman, one who REALLY likes you).


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

When did it change?

Try to remember exactly when you noticed. And what was happening then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Kurious said:


> So background, I'm a 27 year old male. We started dating when I was 18 and got married at 21.
> 
> I have always been affectionate. I usually give hugs instead of shaking hands. My wife actually loved that when we first met. We have roommates, and when I watch TV I sometimes lean on my male roommates (females would be inappropriate). When we first started dating she was always willing to cuddle and we had sex often. Sex had since decreased dramatically but I was always expecting that. Although I wish it was more often than 2-4 times a month, I guess I'm okay with that. But what makes me sad is that all affection has gone away. She never let's me cuddle her at night. She never wants kisses. I have to ask her for hugs.
> It's not that she doesn't love me. We are both very much in love and dedicated to one another. She just says she isn't affectionate. It's been bothering me a lot. I just want to hold her sometimes. I feel like our marriage it's lacking a lot in that respect and I am craving some sorry of affection.
> ...


In my experience, you should leave the relationship. She knows what you need from her, but she doesn't care. Leaving will either force her to care or she will let you go. 

To be honest, you don't really want her if she is 'forced' to care about your needs. It will only be temporary and won't last.

I am 52 years old. I have lived what you are living for the past 30 years. Leave and find someone that is more compatible with you.


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## Kurious (Feb 4, 2015)

We currently have roommates, and my wife is also 27 to answer some questions. Roommates are not a problem for is, especially because it lowers our rent while we save for a house.

The while brad pit scenerio, she would turn down that too. She is the type that finds people attractive once she knows their personality. She wouldn't see a hot guy and crave his affection.

It might have something to do with her work. She works all the time to grow her career and she started a business in her spare time. When she isn't working, she seems to just want to be alone and play games on her phone or something. There is no other guy, and she has made it very clear that she wants to be with me forever when I was in doubt.

Also, she does wasn't physical touch daily, but only massages. She'll ask for a massage every day. That's the only time she doesn't mind me touching her. I hate giving massages, especially since she never gives me one. But I do it sometimes when I just really want to touch her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kurious said:


> We currently have roommates, and my wife is also 27 to answer some questions. Roommates are not a problem for is, especially because it lowers our rent while we save for a house.
> 
> The while brad pit scenerio, she would turn down that too. She is the type that finds people attractive once she knows their personality. She wouldn't see a hot guy and crave his affection.
> 
> ...


That is downright bizarre. 

I just had a flashback to my ex wife, that would do stuff like that - she would only let me touch her if she was explicitly getting something out of it like a massage. 

Of course it all made sense when she left me and then I discovered she had been cheating on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

yeah ummm....she is never going to want to touch you if what you described is true. If she is madly in love with you (or anyone) and truly physically desires them, and yet still would not want to cuddle, touch, etc...

Then she will never want it. Deal with it or move on. You wont change her, and if she does change it will be a pain for her. She wont be doing it because she enjoys it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MRR said:


> yeah ummm....she is never going to want to touch you if what you described is true. If she is madly in love with you (or anyone) and truly physically desires them, and yet still would not want to cuddle, touch, etc...
> 
> Then she will never want it. Deal with it or move on. You wont change her, and if she does change it will be a pain for her. She wont be doing it because she enjoys it.


My wife does not like physical contact. It's a part of her ASD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Try the 180 and stop with the massages. You're not her masseuse. If she notices (hard not too when told 'no'), tell her that you're just not up to being used. She can rub up against the refrigerator for all you care.

FWIW, it's sweet of her to say you're the only one for her. Sucks doesn't it? She's got her cake and gobbling it with both hands.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Talking and doing nothing would be pointless, but talking and following through would make the OP a person of his word, someone to be believed when he says something.

This is why talking works for some and not for others imo. It doesn't mean that all people should stop talking to their partners about their problems, it means that they need to have a clear idea of what behaviours they will change as well. 

You can't change the other person. Everyone understands this on some level. You can be a catalyst for change though.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Of course she wants to be with you, dear. You help pay the bills, you're stable and a good partner for future endeavors, and you don't have the stones to ask for what is your right as a spouse. In short, you're the perfect roommate. You're the doormat who she can keep around for company, sort of like a pet, while she goes about her day. 

I see a lot of these threads and watch posters and OP's try to figure out what they need to do to get sex and affection from their spouses. I have even participated. But I've been sick with the flu for the last near week and I had an epiphany. 

IT DOESN'T MATTER! 

The facts are that she entered into a marital contract with you that was presumed to include normal affection (cuddles, hugs, kisses, hand squeezes etc) and sex. She's failing to live up to her end of the agreement. That's all. The end.

My advice? Grow a pair and explain to her that normal women who are in love WANT to be touched, kissed, held, and f*cked. That marriage is a relationship that includes sex and other forms of physical affection, and that if she isn't going to uphold her part of the bargain, you're going to end the defunct relationship and move on.

As a woman, I laugh every time I see someone type how their spouse loves them so much, but doesn't want sex or affection. Are you freakin kidding me? That's not love in the romantic sense. That's friendship. And you can be her friend while having an actual romantic relationship with a woman who is into you and who wants..no, craves!...your physical touch.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> My advice? Grow a pair and explain to her that normal women who are in love WANT to be touched, kissed, held, and f*cked. That marriage is a relationship that includes sex and other forms of physical affection, and that if she isn't going to uphold her part of the bargain, you're going to end the defunct relationship and move on.


Not trying to derail the conversation, but since you sort of alluded to my situation I thought I'd chime in. I am reasonably sure that my wife would not respond positively if I talked to her about "normal" women and went on to explain that she was not normal.

As a woman, how would you feel if your own spouse followed your advice? Would you really take it well if a guy told you, "Look, you're supposed to want to f*ck me, so if you're not going to put out, then I'm outta here"?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Advice? Yes, divorce her and find someone better. Take your time (at least 2 years) to be sure her affection and interest in sex stays consistent. If it doesn't move on - even if ou love her, as love is NOT enough by itself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

We've had maybe one million, no make that two million people come here and say they know for sure their spouse could not be then later say they were.

Lack of affection, lack of respect, roommates, gaming, phone use etc. have been huge redflags. Especially, when it didn't used to be that way. You are repulsing her. What kind of condition are the two of you in? Who's making the most money?

Number one, you've been married six years and you can't provide a place to live without roommates! EEEEEWWWWW! That's unmanly.

I hate to ask but how many roommates, it sounds like more than two.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Quigster said:


> Not trying to derail the conversation, but since you sort of alluded to my situation I thought I'd chime in. I am reasonably sure that my wife would not respond positively if I talked to her about "normal" women and went on to explain that she was not normal.
> 
> As a woman, how would you feel if your own spouse followed your advice? Would you really take it well if a guy told you, "Look, you're supposed to want to f*ck me, so if you're not going to put out, then I'm outta here"?


Honestly? I'm a grown woman who understands the nature of romantic relationships. 

If my DH said "You're supposed to want to f*ck me and be affectionate toward me. If you can't do that, I'm out." I'd _completely understand_, because it's true! I AM supposed to want to touch and f*ck him. And he is supposed to want to touch and f*ck me. People who are in love and who are actually attracted to each other touch regularly and have sex. It's a very large part of pair bonding and it's a basic human need.

I have enough friends and family. So does he. If we'd wanted to be friends, we could have done that without it masquerading as a marriage.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Of course she wants to be with you, dear. You help pay the bills, you're stable and a good partner for future endeavors, and you don't have the stones to ask for what is your right as a spouse. In short, you're the perfect roommate. You're the doormat who she can keep around for company, sort of like a pet, while she goes about her day.
> 
> I see a lot of these threads and watch posters and OP's try to figure out what they need to do to get sex and affection from their spouses. I have even participated. But I've been sick with the flu for the last near week and I had an epiphany.
> 
> ...


yes. and as long as one party can weasel around in the contract and get away with it, the less they see the need to change. And that goes both ways.

That we don't set infants, children and tweens up for healthy expectations and give them useful social information and role teaching, is our education and cultures fault (expecting them to amoeba it up from where?? - you'd more like to independently discover calculus as a child as figure out healthy social rules...and in calculus you can at least do it on your own, in relationships you'd need at least two of you with the right answers!!)


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> yes. and as long as one party can weasel around in the contract and get away with it, the less they see the need to change.


Honestly? I'm not even sure I'd WANT my DH to "change" if he stopped being physically affectionate and sexual with me. I have no interest in a partner who forces it or fakes it to pacify me.

It's one thing to say "I need more XZY" in a functional marriage that needs a bit of minor tweaking. I don't count sex and physical affectionate touch as minor.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP, you posted here because you believe you have a problem with your wife's lack of affection and sexual interaction with you. She is not meeting your needs and it bothered you enough to seek out this forum.

You have been given a bunch of opinions and REJECTED all of them. You state you KNOW she wouldn't be involved with another man (the theory of most), and that this is totally explainable because of her work responsibilities tiring her out.

The simple fact is it is NOT normal for a 27 year old woman who is healthy to have no interest in a physical relationship with her husband. And she apparently sees not problem with shutting you out.

So you need to do one of a few things
(1) get her medically check out, including with a sex therapist
(2) have some serious conversation and do not accept any stupid simple answers. Like someone told you, "foreseeing all others in your marriage" does NOT mean living celibate.
(3) and get some factual information. A VAR in her car will tell you in probably a week if there is another man involved here. And unless she has a medical issue or mental issue that needs to be addressed, if she is not using her little "rabbit" often, you have a major problem on your hands. And before you even do the VAR, I would b e searching the house in every place you can look for a burner phone or for lingerie or clothes that you have never seen her wear.

If none of that makes any sense to you, then you will endure a sexless marriage . But making excuses for her will not solve any problems you have. Committed 27 year old women do not give up all physical contact with their husbands. That you can take to the bank


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

How does your wife feel about having roomies? Have you talked about how she feels about you snuggling up with your male friends?

Honestly, 2-4 times a month doesn't sound all that unusual if you have a lack of true privacy in your house. And honestly, if she is turned off by you snuggling up with the boys, stop it.

Communicate. Don't assume. And if you don't like what is happening, do something about it before it becomes the standard in your relationship.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Vega said:


> Is it possible that you want TOO MUCH affection? I mean, to the point where she feels physically SMOTHERED instead of loved?
> 
> I had a similar issue with my late husband. At first I enjoyed his affection. But after a while, it got to be too much. Seemed I couldn't even walk from one room to another without him pawing at me, groping me or wanting a hug or a kiss or both, PLUS we were having sex MORE THAN _*DAILY*_. He also wanted foot rubs and back massages meaning...MORE touching. He later confessed that he wanted us to be "permanently attached at the hip".
> 
> ...


That bas**rd, wanting all that affection! Thank goodness you dumped him.... Next thing you know, he'd be asking you out on dates and such...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

OP, three possibilities here. From least likely to most likely:

1. Your wife, at 27, has a hormonal problem which has killed her sex drive, and she has no interest in fixing it. Also, there is beachfront property in North Dakota for sale cheap.
2. Your wife is no longer attracted to *you* but hasn't cheated. Yet.
3. Your wife is no longer attracted to you *and* she's banging other guy(s).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What explanation do you have for your wife leaving on a four day trip and returning and not only disallowing you to touch her, but doesn't want to touch you. 
That's a hugely telling scenario where she has been with another man. As you've been told, a normal 27 year old woman coming home from a trip to the man she loves CAN'T WAIT to rip his clothes off.
You should be trying to get to the bottom of this before you waste your life awY with a spouse that's not into you at all, certainly not in love with you. But it's your life, ignore the obvious if you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Kurious,

You wrote, *I want to hold her so bad right now. She just for back from a 4 day trip away from me and I was missing her like crazy. We just went to be and she made a cocoon for herself and didn't want me in her space.*

It's quite odd that after being away for 4 days she is even more distant from you, was it a business trip? I ask because it really sounds like your W is emotionally attached to someone else perhaps a "work husband". 

You mention that that you have sex with your W a few times a month, but did not mention if your W was orgasmic, or if the frequency of orgasm has decreased. 

Tamat


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> If my DH said "You're supposed to want to f*ck me and be affectionate toward me. If you can't do that, I'm out." I'd _completely understand_, because it's true! I AM supposed to want to touch and f*ck him. And he is supposed to want to touch and f*ck me. People who are in love and who are actually attracted to each other touch regularly and have sex. It's a very large part of pair bonding and it's a basic human need.


Incorrect.

she will see the ultimatium as a personal attack AT her, and ignore what has been said. She will react to the perceived attack.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> That bas**rd, wanting all that affection! Thank goodness you dumped him.... Next thing you know, he'd be asking you out on dates and such...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you wouldn't have a problem with being treated that way, yippee for you, but Vega did and she has a right to how she feels, just like everyone else.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> What explanation do you have for your wife leaving on a four day trip and returning and not only disallowing you to touch her, but doesn't want to touch you.
> That's a hugely telling scenario where she has been with another man. As you've been told, a normal 27 year old woman coming home from a trip to the man she loves CAN'T WAIT to rip his clothes off.
> You should be trying to get to the bottom of this before you waste your life awY with a spouse that's not into you at all, certainly not in love with you. But it's your life, ignore the obvious if you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Matt, did you not read where she told him there wasn't another man?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> All about you. Interesting. Nothing about her. And nobody else noticed, except maybe to wonder: how old is she?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Wow, uncanny. And we are the same age too.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Matt, did you not read where she told him there wasn't another man?

And what planet are you on to think that if there was she would just walk in an say I am not wanting you to touch me because I am banging another man while away on business.

What percentage of women who are cheating do you think walk in the door and just confess?????

Thound, not sure what you have been reading but I guess everyone should just believe everything told to them no matter the circumstances.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

straightshooter said:


> Matt, did you not read where she told him there wasn't another man?
> 
> And what planet are you on to think that if there was she would just walk in an say I am not wanting you to touch me because I am banging another man while away on business.
> 
> ...


sarcasm>


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

technovelist said:


> Not just tell her, but actually leave if she doesn't change.
> 
> So I'm not getting your point.


Sorry about that. My point was that the "telling her" was not necessary. She fully knows the situation. But yes. an "official" telling her will make it cut clear and dry what he said, so that when he "leaves her", there will be an official record. Just put it in writing.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Incorrect.
> 
> she will see the ultimatium as a personal attack AT her, and ignore what has been said. She will react to the perceived attack.


First, that post was how I would react to my H saying something along the lines of "either provide for my needs or I'll leave", but I'll bite.

From my point of view, it is incredibly cruel and dang near actual evil to trap someone in a monogamous marriage and then enforce physical celibacy on them. Part of marriage is affectionate touching and sex. That's pretty basic stuff even children are aware of. If one cannot provide that to their spouse they shouldn't be married. Period. 

So, from my point of view, a spouse reacting with the "poor me, I've been attacked" after treating their husband or wife so cruelly has some freakin nerve and can pound sand. 

It'd be like the guy who stubbed his toe crying louder than they guy with the broken foot. Months of psychological damage and emotional pain for the denied spouse vs. a few minutes of "OUCHIE!" from the perpetrator? And I'm supposed to care how that perpetrator feels when confronted with the crime? Yeah, no.

Which, by the way, I'd tell my husband if I were ever in that situation. It's part of my job as his wife to call him on his shyte.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

This story is probably the most often repeated ones here. I am in the same boat. I feel that my wife just wants to have me as a paycheck and to be seen with a husband at events. Outside of that, she has no time or affection for me.

I am beginning to think that this is normal for most women. It's only a few who are mature enough to know that men need loving too. There may be some scientific backing to the idea that women want men only to have children. After they have had the children and are "done", they don't want the man anymore other than as someone to pay for their things. This story repeats over and over again and in this man-hating culture that we are living in 2016, people just blame the man.
"She isn't loving you because YOU are not meeting her needs".
"It is YOUR fault that you are not more successful".
"YOU do not help her in household chores"

YOU YOU YOU.

My wife and I are in a cold war right now because Saturday night in bed, I wanted to hug and kiss. She thinks I just wanted to have sex and started off on what an awful person I was. That led to a big fight. Even if I wanted to have sex, what's the big deal? I would have wanted to have sex with my wife, not someone else.

If we didn't have kids, I would have left her by now.

Anyway, I don't think things will change for you. Better to begin emotionally detaching and planning your next move without her.


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## person123 (Jan 12, 2016)

OP, I was in the exact same situation, and here is what turned it around. She used to flinch and pull away from me and now she can't keep her hands off me. Seriously.

#1 - I had become a fat slob. I was not attractive any more. So I took action. I dropped 50 pounds of fat, and regained 30 pounds, almost all in muscle. I started taking better care of my appearance instead of running around all the time in ratty sweats. I realized that my wife didn't want to touch a sloppy, unattractive fat dude. 

Try that first. If you drop your body fat down to 10% and your wife doesn't want to touch you, then you will know that it's her problem. But until you do, you don't know whether it's your problem instead.

People always try to take the easy way out: "talk to her" or "tell her how you feel" or "tell her what you need." Blaming her. Maybe that might work, but it didn't work for me. What worked was 5X a week at the gym and 30 miles of running a week, and improving myself in other ways. And owning it rather than blaming it on her. YMMV

#2 - Turn down your thermostat: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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