# Husband has fetish of me being with other men. It's destroying me.



## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

I've been with my husband for almost 8 years. He is 17 years older than me, and was only the second man I had ever even kissed. I am 31. He is very sweet, loving, caring, and has taken my 13 year old son on as his own. He's financially changed my life for the better, and done many good things for me. From the beginning, he slowly introduced this cuckold fetish that he had. He was very clever with it. He convinced me over time that he was not enough for me sexually. He even went through stages of withholding sex. He always had an excuse, such as "I have a pain in my back" or "I just don't know what's wrong" or whatever. But it turns out that he was deliberately leaving me sexually frustrated so that I would look to other men. After 2 years of marriage(4 years together), I broke. I started becoming very attracted to a man I work worth. He was also married. Although we never touched each other, we developed a deep friendship and began to fall in love with each other. I felt a deep need for him emotionally. My husband was sexually excited by this, but at the same time he was alarmed by his perception that I was actually feeling more than just a sexual attraction. I felt trapped in my need for the other man and the pressure to please my husband with my attraction to the other man. I justified it easily, but it ate me up because I knew that I was falling too deeply. Still, things were stable, because my friend would not cheat on his wife, and he assumed I would not cheat on my husband. We were just friends. Then he got divorced about a year ago. I quickly let him know that I wanted to be more than friends. I told him that my husband was "okay" with it. He was confused, but gave in and we made out a few times. When this started happening, my husband had not had sex with me for several months. My husband finally broke down and confessed that nothing was wrong with him physically. He was withholding sex on purpose. He did not ACTUALLY want me to have sex with this other man, and in fact, he wanted me to end my friendship with him. He wanted to "get things right". Of course, as a good wife, I knew this was the "right thing to do". I quickly realized, however, that I just couldn't. It tore my heart out to cut the other man out of my life. He was very respectful, although confused. After about a month of trying to "be good" we resumed our friendship, somewhat secretly, although we did not take it back to a physical level. I just couldn't stand to be without his friendship. My husband and I have been struggling all year, because I now realize that I am completely in love with someone else. At the same time, it tears me to pieces to think of hurting my husband. I know he loves me, and I feel like I have failed him. I also don't want to tear my son's home up. After trying to cope for 8 months, my husband revisited his fetish, and told me to start my relationship with the other man again. I quickly did, but realized that the other man feels guilty about his contribution to this, and I also realize that I cannot live this way. (We have not actually had sex, as the other man refuses to take it to that point, but we have been very sexual together) I want to be with the other man and do not want to use my husband. I want to keep my son's home together, but I don't want to lie to my husband about how I feel. Being apart from the other man kills me, and the thought of telling my husband goodbye is unbearable. Oh my god, I feel so stuck, so torn. There is no solution, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but there seems no way around it. What do I do? Please don't tell me to forget the other man. Unless he chooses to leave my life, I am truly not capable of cutting him off. He is my peace in the middle of all this. The only time I feel good is when I'm with him. My husband is okay with my attraction to him one minute, and critical of it the next. I have tried to tell my husband how I really feel about the other man, but it's extremely difficult, and my husband already knows, anyway. It causes him great pain, and I am in a constant state of guilt, sadness and fear. I almost want to throw up sometimes. What do I do?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Oh SandyLady

You have put yourself in a pickle. And your husband is an idiot.

You have to make a decision.

A. You either D your husband to be with the OM and tear your family apart/wreck your husband.

or

B. You reconcile with your husband, work on your marriage and sex life with your husband and walk away from the OM 100%. No friendship. 

It is really that simple. You cannot be friends with the OM and expect your marriage and family to survive.

So put your big girl pants on and decide which love is greater husband/marriage/family or OtherMan????

Others will likely cast their opinions to.

Good Luck

HM64


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Oh SandyLady
> 
> You have put yourself in a pickle. And your husband is an idiot.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. You are right. It seems obvious and sensible that I should pick marriage/husband/family over the other man. That is probably what is so difficult about this, because my heart definitely feels the other way. When I tried to forget the other man, I went into a deep depression, and although I tried very hard to "fake it", my husband could tell. So I cannot fake my way through the depression that being without the other man causes. Yet, I have a hard time accepting the idea that choosing the other man is an acceptable option. Probably because of the traditional values that have been hammered into my head all my life. I guess I am waiting for God to come down and tell me what to do. Still waiting....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your husband has a mental illness. Cuckolding inst a fetish, it's the symptom of a deeply emotionally disturbed mind that seeks to be abused emotionally and sexually through a wife's sexual betrayal.

If you have any care or love left for your husband get him to be treated for this illness, get him to deal with his desire to be abused and betrayed by you.

As you have seen. His "fetish" is a self destructive behavior just like cutting or other forms of self inflicted abuse. You'd get a cutter help right?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Your husband withholding sex from you for all those years was cruel. And the cuckold fascination is sick and twisted. You haven't been in a loving marriage. You're in a real dilemma. If it weren't for your 13 year old son, I would say to divorce your husband now. Whatever you choose, you can't go on like this.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

You know, when you are infatuated the 'other' looks like your soul mate; the answer to your dreams; the piece of the puzzle that completes you etc. That is just the hormones talking, hard as that is to imagine right now. 

The shared history that you have with your husband is probably a better bet, despite how reckless he has been. 

The feelings you have for the other man will fade and he will become just another human being to you, one you like perhaps, and one you might always have affection for, but not the centre of the universe that he is now. The infatuation will fade and you will survive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If he is deliberately withholding sex from you, could you seek an annulment of your marriage?



> My husband finally broke down and confessed that nothing was wrong with him physically


He was right. His problem is mental rather than physical.

He must seek treatment for it. If he cannot, or will not, then it might be time to move on.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

SandyLady80 said:


> He is very sweet, loving, caring, and has taken my 13 year old son on as his own. He's financially changed my life for the better, and done many good things for me
> 
> I want to keep my son's home together
> 
> ...


I'm going to be pretty blunt here.

IMO if you stay with your husband you'll sell your soul and body to him and start sleeping with other men. It'll happen eventually at this pace. You're just lucky this current OM actually has some integrity because most other guys would have bedded you almost instantly by now.

Now I'm going to ask a ? that will be VERY BLUNT, are you staying with your husband and putting up with this because of the financial security he provides, I'm pretty sure you do love your husband but it seems $$ is playing a huge part in your decision.

If you divorce and go with the OM, will your financial position head in the opposite direction by a huge amount?

So the final question from me is, is the financial security he provides along with his love (however sick it is) worth all of this pain and suffering you're going through?

Sorry if this may upset you but it's pretty clear what you need to do (leave this sick person) but you can't because you're thinking of your son and how he will be affected.

One last question to ask yourself, if your husband didn't offer you this level of financial security, would you have stayed this long???

I"m not saying that you're only staying for the money, because I do feel you love your husband very much but it seems the financial security also plays a huge part in your decision.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I have a hard time accepting the idea that choosing the other man is an acceptable option. Probably because of the traditional values that have been hammered into my head all my life.


I'm going to be blunt, otherwise I'd do you a huge disservice. The statement above can't be more ridiculous. You already did your choice, as a matter of fact, you chose him AND the marriage at a time, thats why you are a cheater, you are a cake eater. Period. No special, no unique, no different than the millions other cheaters in the world. No one of them want to give up cake. It's pertect.
As for the tradicional values pleeeeazze. I imagine that by not f'cking with OM is perfectly OK to be in lurrrve, make out once in a while, sharing the joy of "light" adultery... and at the time feeling both so full of integrity... what a joke.
Are you going to be depressed? sure. You will get past the withdrawl thou, you will refocus your energies in your family on OM is completely out of the picture (And I say completely, no chit chat, no glances, no emails or ocasional text to know what's going on. Total, life long NC.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I'm going to be blunt, otherwise I'd do you a huge disservice. The statement above can't be more ridiculous. You already did your choice, as a matter of fact, you chose him AND the marriage at a time, thats why you are a cheater, you are a cake eater. Period. No special, no unique, no different than the millions other cheaters in the world. No one of them want to give up cake. It's pertect.
> As for the tradicional values pleeeeazze. I imagine that by not f'cking with OM is perfectly OK to be in lurrrve, make out once in a while, sharing the joy of "light" adultery... and at the time feeling both so full of integrity... what a joke.
> Are you going to be depressed? sure. You will get past the withdrawl thou, you will refocus your energies in your family on OM is completely out of the picture (And I say completely, no chit chat, no glances, no emails or ocasional text to know what's going on. Total, life long NC.


And get rid of the 'husband' perhaps?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

This looks like a fantasy story, but anyway: 
Leave your husband, live with the OM, take your son with you. Go from an insane husband to someone you connect with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is a cruel person... and he's using his cruel behavior to try to get you to emotionally abuse him.

It's a sick cycle. There is nothing traditional about your marriage. It's already broken.

What are your son's feelings towards your husband? Does your husband play games with your son... I mean emotional games? Most people who play these types of games are capable of emotional stability in any relationship. 

You worry about braking up your son's home? I worry about what your son is learning by watching the dynamics between you and your husband. That's not even taking into consideration the emotional problems your husband probably exhibits towards your son.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

You talk about your traditional values and are seeriously considering staying with a man who has anything but.

What happens when he tells you who to have sex with a stranger, a woman, more than one person. You are sending yourself and your son down a very wrong sleazy path. Don't think your son wont find out about your new lifestyle. Do you want connections with possible deviants, diseases, stalkers, etc?

Your husband, and a good one would, is not putting you first and I seriously doubt he ever will.

Think very carefully. There is far more at stake here than your marriage.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I guess I am waiting for God to come down and tell me what to do. Still waiting....


SandyLady

I am going to let you in on a little secret.

God very rarely ever tells us what to do. You can pray for that diine intervention or you can simply decide what is best for you and your family.

Or sometimes you need to decide what is best just for you. I bet you thought many of us would just say to get rid of he OM and reconcile with your husband.

But your H has been unusually cruel and selfish himself.

Maybe with counselling he can be cured and contribute towards a healthy marriage.

Maybe you can go NoContact with the OM and return to the marriage and make it a new, healthy relationship.

Maybe you cut and run, go with the Divorce to start a new marriage with the OM. Your Husband can move on and find somebody new with your son spending time with both of you.....

Neither choice is easy, clean or without heartbreak.

You have to decide what is best for you. God cannot do it or you. 

Keep posting and know that your family is in my prayers.

HM64


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

@ Acabado

I'm going to have to jump to SandyLady's defense a little on this one. If this statement is true...

_"My husband was sexually excited by this, but at the same time he was alarmed by his perception that I was actually feeling more than just a sexual attraction. I felt trapped in my need for the other man and the pressure to please my husband with my attraction to the other man. I justified it easily, but it ate me up because I knew that I was falling too deeply."​_
Then her husband is culpable in this tagic story. I wouldn't call this your typical cheating spouse scenario.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I wouldn't be able to trust a man who withheld from me sexually. Seeing as he enabled the affair (open marriage) a second time, it is only a matter of time before he requests it again.

Your husband is a cuckold. It will only be a matter of time before he requests it again.

You need to go NC with the OM. If you want to work on your marriage, there has to be no contact with the OM the rest of your life. He looks like all the answer to your prayers right now because you are in the fog, the infatuation stage of a relationship (albeit an illicit relationship). You will never see the OM at his worse. You won't be around him when he farts, be there in the morning for his morning breath, or when the bills are piling high and you wonder where you are going to get the money from.

On the other hand, your husband betrayed your trust: when he kept asking for the open marriage and then withholding sex to get what he wants.

My advice is simply to divorce and go NC with the OM. 

If you do R, make sure that you have clear boundaries. Go NC with the OM. Stick to those boundaries and make consequences if they get crossed. 

Either way, work on yourself.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband is a cruel person... and he's using his cruel behavior to try to get you to emotionally abuse him.
> 
> It's a sick cycle. There is nothing traditional about your marriage. It's already broken.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Your son is at a very impressionable age where he needs a father figure in his life to guide his through the sexual and psychological changes his body and mind is going through.

Think about it carefully.
What values about manhood are being taught to him?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You both need to get to MC right now. There is a way to heal your marriage-- but you need help.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I wouldn't call this your typical cheating spouse scenario.


 It become one the moment her cuckold fetishist of a husband told her NO MORE (He saw the emotional attachment). She already told us she went underground, for more than a year if I'm not wrong, unwilling to give up OM untill husband had no more choice to accep the monster he helped to create.
Cuckold fetish is - almost - never about "emotional attachments", is about getting turn off his wife banging some dude, faking being cheated on by a heartless beatch who moke his performance, even "make him" witness or even "clean" afterwards, or liking his wife being treated/used as the sl0t she really is... all in that lines.
No emotional attachments, no love, no friendships.
They use call the "partners" _bulls_, for heavens sake.

BTW If I were OP I'd never stay with such a husband, not in a million years, not because the fetish (well, for that too) but for the emotional abuse. It seems he actually was succesful at breaking OP at all levels.

Anyway, OP is exactly in the wrong fence. She believes she has to choose between "BH" and OM (meanwhile she' cake eating). She actually has to choose HER. She has to get phisically, emotionaly, moraly, spiritualy healthy. So OM is not a healthy choice for her neither, he's obviously moraly backrupt. If she ends the marriage OM still is what it is, her former affair partner. For years.

Telling her to dump both (wich is in my book the only good choice for her) is not going to happen thou.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Dump them both. It's all toxic. Husband, because if he's a cuckold that's messed up. If he withholds sex, that's cruel. OM because he's okay to screw with a married woman, which makes him an opportunistic jerk. 

Get some serious therapy. Learn to support yourself. GIve up cake.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Dump them both. It's all toxic. Husband, because if he's a cuckold that's messed up. If he withholds sex, that's cruel. OM because he's okay to screw with a married woman, which makes him an opportunistic jerk.
> 
> Get some serious therapy. Learn to support yourself. GIve up cake.


If the OM was as bad as all that, they would have made the beast with two backs a LONG time ago.

At the very least, we don't know who chased who.

But thinking about it, he WAS married when he first started to get emotionally attached to the lady.

And I'm waiting for the answer to the money question. If he lost everything in the real estate market, would you still be there?


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

JCD said:


> If the OM was as bad as all that, they would have made the beast with two backs a LONG time ago.
> 
> At the very least, we don't know who chased who.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your understanding. I definitely chased the OM. I'm not proud of that, but he really is a very good man that has tried to resist me, although he has not tried to resist my friendship. He has encouraged contact, but not sexuality. As for the money, yes, I would be in a drastically more difficult situation without my husband, and I have no intentions of trying to get OM to marry or support me. I do not think that would be good for my son. This is not why I stay, though. I was a single mom for 4 years. I know how difficult it is, but it would be a cakewalk compared to the emotional pain I am in. I stay because I cannot bring myself to crush my husband and son with a divorce. However, I feel so disconnected from my husband that I don't know how much more pain I can take. It is a no-win situation but I will need to make a change at some point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

leave your H and your marriage problems. what right do you have to destroy this other man's(your lover, the one you are cheating with) marriage and family? what did his wife do to you ? Stop sh!tting in other people marriages

edited for clarity


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> leave your H and your marriage problems. what right do you have to destroy this man's marriage and family? what did his wife do to you ? Stop sh!tting in other people marriages


I probably should ignore you, but huh? Did you read my story at all? You're not making any sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is your lover married ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why aren't you getting your husband the mental health care he needs? His behavior is self harming. It's harming you and your marriage.

It is not ok to want to be hurt. It is a sign of emotional illness. I know folks like to hide behind calling it a sex fetish , but that doesn't mean it isn't a mental health issue that can be treated.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Is your lover married ?


I think I read that her lover is divorced (so he's currently single).


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> I probably should ignore you, but huh? Did you read my story at all? You're not making any sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps he didn't read the whole story, but his claim is true. You have no business being with this man. 

If you chase him, the relationship will not end well. 

Please understand- *A relationship that is born out of infidelity cannot live- it is inherently evil*. 

He will leave you, or you will leave him. Because that is what you are together- cheats. I understand that your husband contributed to this, that is for certain. But it does not excuse the actions, and it definitely does not validate the actions you now want to take. 

You owe it to your marriage to try to make it work. You took an oath, made a covenant between you and your husband, and more importantly, you and your God. Restoration can be brought about, but you need to work for it. 

And it will not happen as long as this guy is in your life. 

I wish you luck.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Is your lover married ?


No. He is divorced. We were friends for years before he got divorced, but never crossed any lines although we had feelings for each other. He did not get divorced because of me. And they had no children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

If you are a religious lady you know you took a vow before God. Christians believe that marriage is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. Not just the man and the woman. You said you would forsake all others.

Now, your husband does have some mental problems. I had the same fantasy and it took my wife and I years to work through it and get past it. Your husband sounds like he has a deeper case of cuckholditis. He would definitely need professional help. My advice would be to give your husband another chance. You loved him once, give him a chance to earn your love back. The OM sounds like a very decent guy and I believe he would understand this.

So in short:

1. Professional help for husband
2. Marriage counseling for both
3. individual counseling for yourself because you'll need it.
4. Explain the situation to OM and go NC with him while you are working on your marriage.
5. Come up with a timeframe, 6 months, 1 year, if there is no improvement on your husband's part, then agree to D.
6. If husband does show improvement try to learn to love him again. Love isn't a feeling, it's a directed choice. Otherwise I wouldn't love my 15 year old.

Okay that wasn't so short. 

One question for you... why did OM get divorced? Sorry if you've already answered this.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

sandc said:


> One question for you... why did OM get divorced? Sorry if you've already answered this.


First, thank you for the rest of your response. It was very thoughtful. I've already implemented much of it to certain degrees. The OM divorced because he and his wife found they had little in common and didn't particularly enjoy each other. His side: she was a professional ballerina who was completely absorbed in her dance world. She had no time, attention or affection for him. Her side: He was always mad at her, didn't support her in her career. He didn't want to have kids. He promised he would quit smoking, but started again after a year of marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Many of you are saying that I need to get help for my husband. I am only recently realizing the intricacies of this problem he has. He has called it "The Wolf" and has expressed shame and frustration over it. I am personally seeing a therapist because he said I should. I have invited him to couple's therapy many times but he doesn't seem interested. My first husband was a meth addict. I've learned that there is only so much energy you can put into other people's demons. They must fight their own battles. I have, perhaps, been too accepting of his "wolf" and have tried to support him in that way. I haven't looked at it as a sickness any more than I would consider homosexuality a "sickness". Maybe I need to re-examine this. He has said that he has spent time meditating, trying to remember or understand where this fetish originated. I am only recently understanding that it is truly about self-inflicted pain. I can try to help him and myself as much as possible, but I fear that the damage to our love has been done. I will write more later. Thank you all again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Think about this need to be hurt and humiliated like cutting then its becomes clearer that it isn't a built in behavior, but is a symptom of emotional issues he's carry around.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Your husband has some mental issues. This sounds like some kind of abuse ..Run for the hills and don't look back.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Look, good people do bad things all the time. It's their ability to learn which makes them better people.

And this OM, for all his good qualities, is not perfect.

Here are a few points I'd like to clarify because it was a trifle unclear.

1. You said from the beginning, your husband started to withhold sex from you in an attempt to make your eye wander. Now, did you wander on your own or did he make you aware of his desire to have you step off the reservation? 

2. You said you started a 'friendship' with the OM 6 years ago. (The difference between an EA and a friendship is...well, right now, you _know_ what it is...he's more important then hubby). Then a year ago he got divorced. What, if any, role did your 'friendship' play in that divorce?

3. Your hubby was 'getting sexually excited' about your deep attraction to the OM. Were you sharing this information with him? According to you, he was pushing you to have an affair but right on the cusp of you actually having one, he backed away. What changed? What exactly was he expecting?

4. You said he withheld sex but you don't want to leave him because of how emotionally devestating it would be. Did he also withdraw emotionally? What caused you to be 'satisfied' for by your reckoning 6 years with only intermitant sex with hubby and none with the OM?

5. Are we using the Clinton definition of 'sex' here? What does 'sexual but not sex' mean? It seems a distinction without a difference.

"Put your money where your mouth is..." is a common phrase. And it seems that emotionally, that's exactly what you did. If your 'love' is currency, you've been heavily investing in the OM, even to the point of lying and hiding your EA.

Everyone else had great advice. But here is one thing to remember. Do you recall dating? You put your best foot forward all the time. You avoided arguments to make a good impression. 

You are DATING. The thing with the OM is NOT a real relationship (not sure that the one with the hubby is either, but vows were made...)

Your husbands desires should have had little effect. Is he or will he see a therapist (not exactly sure what kind can help that?) What you SHOULD have done is channel these desires into harmless ways, like watching cheating porn or something. RP with each other.

Instead you found a 'soul mate'...who has never forgotten your birthday or left the toilet seat up...because you are DATING.

Most of the advice here is good but answering these questions can both help us advise you better and help you think these issues through.

Edited to add: I see you answered about the divorce. It seems smoking kills marriages too. . I wonder how much more effort he might have given it if he hadn't had you to rub his emotional bumps however.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jibril said:


> I think I read that her lover is divorced (so he's currently single).


I believe that I read that he was married through most of the emotional affair.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> Your husband has some mental issues. This sounds like some kind of abuse ..Run for the hills and don't look back.


Everyone has mental issues, including you. 

Should the people you love run from you too?


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I believe that I read that he was married through most of the emotional affair.


Our "emotional affair" was not something we were open with each other about. We never vocally or physically expressed our feelings although we both felt them. We were just both feeling for each other. I often wondered if I was imagining his feelings for me, but he now confirms that it wasn't my imagination. That went on for 2 and half years before he got divorced. I know that even that was wrong, but my husband encouraged our friendship and I had the feeling that his wife was a bit relieved that I was taking her husband off her hands. She never expressed any jealousy towards me whatsoever. I asked him recently if our time together ever bothered her. He shrugged and said "no. I don't think so. She never talked about it." I suppose both of our spouses were eager to let us hang out together for their own reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> I had the feeling that his wife was a bit relieved that I was taking her husband off her hands.


How convenient. Of course you or the OM don't know. You both must've invested a considerable amount of time in your friendship to have developed such deep feelings. Which is time neither of you were investing in your marriages. Consider that, yeah, it was an EA. And if it did not directly lead to the end of his marriage, it certainly didn't help it. 

I'm unclear on the cuckold thing. Can you please explain? So he was withholding sex for years, but never mentioned to you the point of starvation rations was to indulge his kink? That doesn't make a lot of sense. IF he truly has a kink, I think he'd want you to indulge it.

From what I'm reading, he only mentions this kink (if he mentioned it?) AFTER you cheated on him. Are you sure he wasn't just being a doormat and accepting an open relationship so you'd stick around? 

Because it never seems like he said -- ooh, go screw that other guy, I want to watch. No, it seems like he very much does not want you to feel a connection of any sort to this man. But the way you wrote the original post is that your BH is the DRIVER'S SEAT on this. But, frankly, YOU seem to be in the driver's seat. You want cake and want to know how you can have both without any repercussions to you, your financial situation, or your teenage son. 

Sorry, you have to make a decision. You don't get to have it all. You have to let go of some outcomes. People will be hurt because this is all very hurtful behavior. But at least be honest about it. Lead an authentic life. 

Also, I don't buy the crap about being a single mom. I did that gig for nearly a decade. You want your lifestyle, and your OM. That is not right, nor is it sustainable. If you don't want your husband (sexually, emotionally), do him a favor and end it honestly.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

chumplady said:


> How convenient. Of course you or the OM don't know. You both must've invested a considerable amount of time in your friendship to have developed such deep feelings. Which is time neither of you were investing in your marriages. Consider that, yeah, it was an EA. And if it did not directly lead to the end of his marriage, it certainly didn't help it.
> 
> I'm unclear on the cuckold thing. Can you please explain? So he was withholding sex for years, but never mentioned to you the point of starvation rations was to indulge his kink? That doesn't make a lot of sense. IF he truly has a kink, I think he'd want you to indulge it.
> 
> ...


My husband expressed this "kink" to me long before I met the OM. I was very uncomfortable with it for a long time. He would constantly hound me to tell him my fantasies about other men, even though I had none. He bought me a 7 and a half inch dildo and, taking advantage of my naivety, told me that most guys are about that size. He insisted that he couldn't possibly be enough for me sexually. He would make me call him in the middle of the (before we were married) and have phone sex with my dildo. Then right after we got married, he started going in and out of sexually dysfunctional phases, the worst being a 5 month period with no sex at all. He also became emotionally distant. I was married 2 years (together 4) before I ever looked at another man. Then my emotions followed with a fury that I couldn't control. My first husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son. I understand the anger that adultery can cause. Please try to understand that I am really trying to do the right thing, but I can't sell my soul in the process. I'm really trying to figure out what the right answer is. If I can manage to "fix" all this, who's to say that it will ever truly stop? Then I will end up divorced anyway and will have lost a very dear friend. I havent lied to my husband about any of our sexual encounters either. He likes hearing about it, and it's hard not to justify them in that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

I stand by my original advice. You need to dump them both and get therapy. 

Seriously, what you have going on with your husband isn't healthy and it doesn't sound like you want to stick out therapy on the hope it's going to get better. So end it honestly and compassionately and let your son be part of his life. 

OM doesn't seem like a healthy option either, for reasons previously stated (he's okay being part of this effed up triangle).

Support yourself. Get healthy. Then make healthier choices in your relationships. And yeah, that's not a simple, painless fix. 

But it's an honest one -- and a sustainable one that can lead to real happiness and not this effed up world you live in now.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

This appears to be more of an arrangement than a marriage.

I know that your BH urged you to do this, but that doesn't make it right. Even if he condones it. You have to be the strong one and say no..this is going to affect our marriage tremendouly.
You knew that before you allowed this OM to come into your life.
You knew how detrimental this would/could be.

Even though your BH pushed you into this..it is still morally up to you that you went through with it.

Now your BH is devastated because this hurts him. he needs help because he thinks he needs to self inflict pain of this kind on himself.
If it was a true thing he desired...there would be no hurt feelings.

You explaining your feelings for the OM is in no way an explanation to continue doing this to your BH.
You have to know that because this excites him on some level is not necessarily normal behavior.
It's a cry for help and instead of helping him..you are further hurting him.
So now what do you plan to do? because someone is going to get hurt either way.
You are not currently married to the OM so you owe him no loyalty. You do owe loyalty to your BH and your son.

You have to decide what you want. It is you holding this in limbo because you can't decide to turn to your marriage completely and fix it.

There is a saying

Choose. Decide. Commit...Period.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I fear that the damage to our love has been done.


Unless you completely give up OM first in real actions (complete NC, electronic, real life) then in your mind/heart (mental NC, gettingpast the withdrawal) for a doos while you won't ever know. Ever. Have you ever tried to fill a glass with a crak in the bottom?


> I am really trying to do the right thing, but I can't sell my soul in the process.


That boat already sailed, years ago, you are already selling it now. The thing is whether you want to repair it. It's simple (not easy, simple) stop selling it. Choose to stop selling it. Commit to stop selling it.
Choose the rigth path (whatever it means) and then, baby steps, keep going on that path, no matter how painful is. A day at a time, a minute at a time. Choose dayly, hourly.
I'm suprised you can't find the analogy with your XH meth addiction. You are addicted to cake eating. Period.

By the way buddies and friends are not the same. OM is bringing the worse on you (of course you tell yourself exaclty the opposite, you are used to think like this for years). Friends don't conspirate with us to being adulterers, friends don't put you in a position who make you rethink your own values, friends don't put you in a position that makes you inflict pain to others. Simple. OM knows well your inner turmoil and his participation. Do you considered your XH's drug buddies his friends?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

JCD said:


> Look, good people do bad things all the time. It's their ability to learn which makes them better people.
> 
> And this OM, for all his good qualities, is not perfect.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

He cut off the sex hoping you would sleep with another man. That is not normal behavior. Then you almost have sex with the OM. Your husband stop it . Then tell you to go back to a friendship with OM. Can you get you husband to get some help ? Maybe you both need MC to help you.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Personally, I could care less about you and your husband. I am worried about your son. Thirteen is an age where things can go bad under the best circumstances and we both know "the best circumstances" don't live at your house.

How about you think about your son and stop this nonsense? You have seven years before he is of legal age. You could give up your selfish wants and do what you need to do to keep your home stable.

The only thing that matters in your mess is your son and I really don't hear that he is a major concern because if he was you would be over what you want and what you feel and focus on what is best for him.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

SoulStorm said:


> This appears to be more of an arrangement than a marriage.
> 
> I know that your BH urged you to do this, but that doesn't make it right. Even if he condones it. You have to be the strong one and say no..this is going to affect our marriage tremendouly.
> You knew that before you allowed this OM to come into your life.
> ...


See if you can go to mc or get your husband some kind of help. Most men don't get turned on by having the wife sleep with other men.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

This is why I mentioned the time limit. Inform him he has to get professional help and start showing signs of improvement. If after a year there is no improvement, then begin D proceedings. I don't think you should just walk away just yet. 

You've been hurt by him deeply and you may not be able to forgive him. But if you want to preserve your family for your son you need to try to work this out. This is part of that whole for better for worse thing. You really can't imagine worse until it hits you in the face. But we humans are resilient, we can overcome these things. But we have to want to.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell, I'm so glad that the_guy here on TAM talked me out of this years ago -> And I'm also glad that my wife is so fking stubborn!

Years ago I wanted to do the same thing, if we went that road, hell that would be fked. Right now it's just a fantasy, and that's it. For me it's like showing off a hot car, and letting your mates have a test drive even.

You're in a very peculiar position, guess this is what my wife was trying to avoid despite my insistence. However, he's much braver (or dumber) than me as he allowed you to fall into an emotional affair and then even asks you to re-ignite it after you broke it off with the OM... ok WTF?! lol
Personally if I lose my wife's heart, I'll be shattered. Her body is one thing, but I wouldn't be able to handle an EA.

I don't know how I can help in this, you aren't to blame for this and that's all I can say.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find a psychologist who deals with men who seek to be abused and humiliated. He can be helped.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

And can you explain how you are sexual with the other man without having sex? Sorry I'm paraphrasing a bit from something you wrote. You wrote something to the effect of "we're very sexual around one another but we haven't had sex. Sorry, its too late to go back and find the exact quote. Could you explain what that means?


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

sandc said:


> And can you explain how you are sexual with the other man without having sex? Sorry I'm paraphrasing a bit from something you wrote. You wrote something to the effect of "we're very sexual around one another but we haven't had sex. Sorry, its too late to go back and find the exact quote. Could you explain what that means?


The physical part of the relationship started 2 and a half years after we started becoming close. Right after we found out he was getting divorced, my husband told me "Here's your chance!". So I jumped on it. After about a month, I got the nerve to tell OM that I wanted him and that my husband was "okay" with it. He was blown away and confused, but we made out three times before husband basically freaked out and told me to stop all contact with him. I was confused as hell, but put an honest effort in to cut off contact. I was very alarmed at how heartbroken and resentful I was. I tried to "fake it" but my husband saw right through me. After about a month, I resumed the friendship, but we didn't get physical. 2 months later, I tried again to cut off all contact, but it just ripped me to pieces. That lasted about 2 weeks. After about 8 months, my husband suggested revisiting the whole thing. He said he thought I "needed" it. I really should have known better, but I was so emotionally exhausted I thought it was certainly worth a try. Me and the OM then became physical again, this time taking it to the level of oral sex and being naked and basically "everything but...". OM just wouldn't cross "that line". After about 2 weeks, he said he felt very guilty about it and told me that he has to stop. So that's where I am. I feel pretty bad for pushing OM beyond his own sense of guilt, because I did push him into it. Anyway, that's where I am. Of course, it didn't help things with me and my husband, but it doesn't seem to have made things worse, either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Hell, I'm so glad that the_guy here on TAM talked me out of this years ago.


Your welcome!

Sorry for the threadjack SL80


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I mean no disrespect but I keep feeling like you are presenting yourself as a victim of sorts and that has to to stop. We both know you would have not gone along with this if you did not find it enticing as well.

If your husband "forced" you into this I am glad he isn't a pedophile because he would have forced you into helping out with that too, right?

Get over yourself. You have no one to blame but yourself. In addition, I still see nothing about your child in your posts which is the only thing you should be concerned about right now.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Is the other man Fabio?? 

Your husband forced you to have an EA/PA with a man? You had no will to resist his magical mind control powers and made you chose a married man to have sex with. 

You could have said NO!!! You could have said "If you continue to ask me to sleep with someone else, we need to go to counseling or get a Divorce." or "If you continue to refrain from having sex with me in order convince me to have sex with another man, I want a Divorce." You could have stressed that he receives help for his fetish because you want no part in it. Did you???? 

You were enticed by his offer and chose the man you wanted to be with. You really think he got a divorce, and you played no part in his decision whatsoever?? Not even a Little?? 

Thread title should be " I destroyed myself for choosing to participate with my Husbands Fetish". You face the consequences with what you choose/allow to happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sandylady's husband might be a master manipulator. Does he have any sales training or is he educated in psychology to any degree? Even self-taught? 

People willing to pile in on Sandylady might be unaware of how crafty and conniving a good master manipulator can be. 

Eventually they can make a vulnerable person believe almost anything.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

lol Matt


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Sandylady's husband might be a master manipulator. Does he have any sales training or is he educated in psychology to any degree? Even self-taught?
> 
> People willing to pile in on Sandylady might be unaware of how crafty and conniving a good master manipulator can be.
> 
> Eventually they can make a vulnerable person believe almost anything.


Perhaps but no matter what at the end of the day we are responsible for our own behavior. Her not accepting that puts her into a position where this type of thing will repeat itself and does nothing to prevent it from happening again.

If he is that manipulative and she is weak minded and a true victim she should dump him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Falene said:


> Perhaps but no matter what at the end of the day we are responsible for our own behavior. Her not accepting that puts her into a position where this type of thing will repeat itself and does nothing to prevent it from happening again.
> 
> If he is that manipulative and she is weak minded and a true victim she should dump him.


:iagree:

Well, weak-minded is not a term I am comfortable with, but I do think she should dump him.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Okay Sandy, this is not an EA or a friendship this is a full blown physical affair. The others bring up very valid points that while your husband was pushing you to do this, YOU ultimately chose to pursue a man outside your husband. YOU chose a married man. You chose to have oral sex with him, oral sex IS sex, yes? Another choice. In fact you'd be having full on sex with him if he did not have some semblance of morality deep within himself. The others are right, one of the things you need to do is own the choices you have made. 

Since you have a stake in making the mess you are in it is now up to you to extricate yourself from it. 

Do you love your husband?
Do you want to be "in love" with him again?
Do you want your marriage back?

If yes (and this is my hope and prayer for you) then your H needs serious help, like, yesterday. He needs to set up appointments with someone who specializes in sexual dysfunction. He has some deep inner self-hatred for him to ask you to do these things. You need to cut off contact with OM, like, yesterday. Yes you will feel withdrawal symptoms but it needs to be cold turkey. Concentrate on your husband. When you think of OM, consciously redirect your thoughts to what it was you used to love about your husband. Act AS IF you still feel that way. Give it a year, if there is no progress, and you still feel the same way, then D your husband and move on. 

I notice I'm starting to repeat myself here so this will be the last time I write these particular things to you. I'm being the good cop. Others here are playing bad cop. But understand we all want to motivate you to do what is best for your family. Either way I'll hang around and encourage you as best I can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> lol Matt


I was thinking of a woman I knew when I was in my early 20s. 

Her husband was a manipulative person. She thought she was worldly-wise, but she was naive. 

He managed to convince her that she should take the blame for a crime he committed. So she did. She got an 18 month jail sentence for something she didn't do.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

[/I][/I]


MattMatt said:


> Sandylady's husband might be a master manipulator. Does he have any sales training or is he educated in psychology to any degree? Even self-taught?
> 
> People willing to pile in on Sandylady might be unaware of how crafty and conniving a good master manipulator can be.
> 
> Eventually they can make a vulnerable person believe almost anything.


Actually, after reading the post by the guy that (easily) preys on married men, I can believe that.

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. He posted something similar to me, here it is.:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chapparal said:


> [/I][/I]
> 
> Actually, after reading the post by the guy that (easily) preys on married men, I can believe that.
> 
> ...


I... Oh my goodness. Part of that describes what I knew about my wife's own former POSOM. 

f**k. I almost wish I hadn't read that...


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Is my husband a master manipulator? Hmmm... Sometimes I wonder that. I am much younger than him, and much much less experienced. He has always had a bit of a "parenting" attitude towards me, and it is becoming increasingly harder to deal with the older and more confident I get. I am a people pleaser, and I have always run circles around him trying to make him happy or "pleased". I suppose that is why I didn't tell him to drop dead the minute he introduced this fetish to me (or whatever you wanna call it.) Instead I tried to give him what I could to feed it. I felt pressured by it. I felt like if I wanted him to love and accept me, I had to somehow feed this sexual need he had. It made me extremely uncomfortable, and I never dreamed it would ultimately lead me here. I should never have allowed myself to start fantasizing about a man that I actually knew. That was a huge mistake. I should have been mature and strong enough to know that just because it was "okay" with my husband did not mean that it was "okay". It was never okay at all. I learned that the hard way. And now I understand much better that my husband is actually very hurt by it, although he pushes it. But now I am emotionally motivated to help him feed it more, which is extremely selfish of me. Another problem we have is when I actually take a stand with him and say "No More! Let's be strong and healthy and stop playing with this!" we are left so empty. All I can think of is the OM and how sad I am without him. I'm so sorry for that, but I've tried to stop feeling this way. I just don't know how. I can help my actions, but I can't help my feelings. I feel what I feel. I've tried to just fake it, but my husband can tell. It's a no-win. I can't change what I feel and I can't fake it, so what's left? Just feed the monster with my husband? At least in that world, we have fun together. At least in that world there is levity and excitement, although it is actually destroying us. I wish to GOD that I had never opened this door and I wish to god that I had been wise enough in the very beginning to identify and understand that this was not just a quirky fetish, but a very complex psychological problem that would drag me down with it if I let it. I just didn't have the experience or maturity to know that. 

Thank you again everyone for your input. In a way, I feel worse. But one thing I've taken from all your posts is the important message that this is not just a fetish. This is not something that is just simply going to be a perpetual lifestyle for me and husband that's going to work long term. This is a serious problem that isn't just going to go away. I really don't know what to do. I've been tempted to just have a secret affair, but I'm glad I haven't done that. I'm really tired of being torn in half every day. If it wasn't for my son, I think I would high-tail it to Switzerland and start over, but it's just not that simple. One day at a time, I suppose. A friend of mine said, "One day the answer will just suddenly be clear". I hope she's right. She had a husband just like mine. She just broke one day and left.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

SandyLady80 said:


> First, thank you for the rest of your response. It was very thoughtful. I've already implemented much of it to certain degrees. The OM divorced because he and his wife found they had little in common and didn't particularly enjoy each other. His side: she was a professional ballerina who was completely absorbed in her dance world. She had no time, attention or affection for him. Her side: He was always mad at her, didn't support her in her career. He didn't want to have kids. He promised he would quit smoking, but started again after a year of marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh and dont forget he had feelings for another woman.....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Falene said:


> Perhaps but no matter what at the end of the day we are responsible for our own behavior. Her not accepting that puts her into a position where this type of thing will repeat itself and does nothing to prevent it from happening again.
> 
> If he is that manipulative and she is weak minded and a true victim she should dump him.


Sorry but I agree with Falene. OP is the same as any other cheater. Just this time I have NO mercy for her H either. Seriously, what a mockery of marriage.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> All I can think of is the OM and how sad I am without him. I'm so sorry for that, but I've tried to stop feeling this way. I just don't know how. I can help my actions, but I can't help my feelings. I feel what I feel. I've tried to just fake it, but my husband can tell. It's a no-win. I can't change what I feel and I can't fake it, so what's left? Just feed the monster with my husband?


It's complete bull. You know it. You barely did NC. You felt very sad, depressed when you tried NC. Well you never lasted enough. You never got past the withdrawal. You didn't want to gave up your drug of choice. Exactly as every cheater in the work. That's the truth. The nake, ugly truth. You won't don't die without OM. At all. People lose friends everyday. They move away, lose contact, the get ill and die. Life moves on. You get new friends, you do things to fill your soul (I mean healthy things).
Again you are not different than every cake eater in the world. Stop telling - mosty to yourself - you are in a hopeless situation. It's a lie.
The answer is simple, hard but simple. You just don't want to do it. Admit it.

BTW you are not doing OM any favor. He should be dating someone aviable. But well, geeting free BJs at parking lots is not that bad.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SandyLady80 said:


> Is my husband a master manipulator? Hmmm... Sometimes I wonder that. I am much younger than him, and much much less experienced. He has always had a bit of a "parenting" attitude towards me, and it is becoming increasingly harder to deal with the older and more confident I get. I am a people pleaser, and I have always run circles around him trying to make him happy or "pleased". I suppose that is why I didn't tell him to drop dead the minute he introduced this fetish to me (or whatever you wanna call it.) Instead I tried to give him what I could to feed it. I felt pressured by it. I felt like if I wanted him to love and accept me, I had to somehow feed this sexual need he had. It made me extremely uncomfortable, and I never dreamed it would ultimately lead me here. I should never have allowed myself to start fantasizing about a man that I actually knew. That was a huge mistake. I should have been mature and strong enough to know that just because it was "okay" with my husband did not mean that it was "okay". It was never okay at all. I learned that the hard way. And now I understand much better that my husband is actually very hurt by it, although he pushes it. But now I am emotionally motivated to help him feed it more, which is extremely selfish of me. Another problem we have is when I actually take a stand with him and say "No More! Let's be strong and healthy and stop playing with this!" we are left so empty. All I can think of is the OM and how sad I am without him. I'm so sorry for that, but I've tried to stop feeling this way. I just don't know how. I can help my actions, but I can't help my feelings. I feel what I feel. I've tried to just fake it, but my husband can tell. It's a no-win. I can't change what I feel and I can't fake it, so what's left? Just feed the monster with my husband? At least in that world, we have fun together. At least in that world there is levity and excitement, although it is actually destroying us. I wish to GOD that I had never opened this door and I wish to god that I had been wise enough in the very beginning to identify and understand that this was not just a quirky fetish, but a very complex psychological problem that would drag me down with it if I let it. I just didn't have the experience or maturity to know that.
> 
> Thank you again everyone for your input. In a way, I feel worse. But one thing I've taken from all your posts is the important message that this is not just a fetish. This is not something that is just simply going to be a perpetual lifestyle for me and husband that's going to work long term. This is a serious problem that isn't just going to go away. I really don't know what to do. I've been tempted to just have a secret affair, but I'm glad I haven't done that. I'm really tired of being torn in half every day. If it wasn't for my son, I think I would high-tail it to Switzerland and start over, but it's just not that simple. One day at a time, I suppose. A friend of mine said, "One day the answer will just suddenly be clear". I hope she's right. She had a husband just like mine. She just broke one day and left.


Then perhaps you already have the answer?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Damn Chap...I wish I didn't read that one...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Damn Chap...I wish I didn't read that one...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You and me both, Dig.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Dig, Matt, add me too.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

Your husband is so weird!

usually men up here this forum complains about wife's infidelity yet your husband wants you to have an affair.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

bahbahsheep said:


> Your husband is so weird!
> 
> usually men up here this forum complains about wife's infidelity yet your husband wants you to have an affair.


Lol. Yes, it is a little weird. For sure. It's also confusing, because one minute he's all excited about the fact that I'm hot for another guy, and the next minute he's all serious about the ramifications. He makes me feel like the bad guy for entertaining his excitement moments earlier. Just yesterday, he texted me that he was feeling "charged" and "you feeling charged today?". He was prodding me, wanting to hear about how hot I am for someone else. I actually texted him back and told him that I think we really need to give it a rest for a little while (even though I would have gladly entertained him). So when I did that, I got "punished" (my perception) by a two hour long, serious, heavy talk about our marriage. He then tried to tell me that he really doesn't want any of this, and he's just doing it as a last resort to make me happy. He told me that this fetish is not as big of a presence in his life as I think. So we talked some more about how we need to give it a rest and work through this, and I am NOT joking.... as we're falling asleep, he starts asking me if I wanna go out this weekend with the OM. He starts giving me tips on how to seduce him and blah blah blah. So what do I do? If I tell him to get real and that we seriously need to stop, then we'll end up in another eternal conversation. If I entertain him, he'll end up being disappointed in me the next day. So all I can do is just kinda mumble something about "I don't know... maybe... we'll see." God... I know I am chicken s*&@, but sometimes I just wanna go to sleep. And I have to admit, I DO sexually want the other guy, so it is very tempting for me to throw the ball back to my husband when he throws it at me.
Wow... If you knew us in person, you would never in a million years believe this. This makes us sound so crazy, and I guess we are, but a large part of us is just a normal middle class couple with strong family and good friends. It makes me wonder what's really going on with all the people in my life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you do?

You stop cheating first! And by that I mean you stop cheating both you, your marriage, and the OM. 

Right now the OM doesn't have a full real woman in his life, and unless you are going to leave your husband, then he never will with you. ALL he has right now is a wife of another man who gives him a tiny part of a real relationship. There isn't any meat to the relationship with him, it's chit-chat emotional support and easy SEX. 

There are no bills, no long term financial plans and discussions, no worry about setting something aside for retirement, no scheduling trips to doctors, or child care, or christmas cards to friends and family. 

There is chit-chat and sex. 

You're cheating yourself out of being with a man in a fully trusting relationship. You are your husband's wife, and the OM's source for sex. Neither one is a relationship that is fufulling you - they both are cheating you out of having that full on married with your husband which you adore and who adores you relationship.

Your husband's mental issues are pushing him to feed his obsession on getting hurt and humiliated by you being with another man. A man that is better to you sexually than him - at least in the fantasy. A man who is more of man than him - again in the fantasy. 

Your husband's illness is depriving him of a better life. It's making him sour the marriage and drive you into the arms , bed, and relationship with the OM. 

It's also going to really affect your child. Children are incredible perceptive - don't think for a moment that he is entirely ignorant of things. he may not know you've been in another man's bed, but he will pick up on the emotional dynamic between you and your husband. He WILL be using this a template on how he is with his own wife. Scared yet? You should be.

So step one is to refuse to cheat all these people and relatinships out of a good future. Stop cheating them out a full, complete, and fulfilling future. 

Time to make a choice and follow through with it. Either:
A: You are to stay in the marriage, dump the OM, and your husband gets real treatment for his destructive desire to have you cheat on him

B: You divorce you husband and consider going to the OM.

but either way - you will ONLY be in a relationship with ONE man, you will ONLY be in the bed of ONE man, and the other man will go from your life.

It's what's best for you.

It's what's best for them.

It's what's best for your SON!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, if you decide to divorce your husband and hook up with the OM, your relationship won't last. There will always be a big elephant in the room that won't go away. 

Knowing that the foundation of your relationship was built off of the pain of others. Therefore, it won't last. The guilt will eat at you and the guilt would eat at him. It won't end up happily ever after. Sorry...but relationships that are started by infidelity rarely last for the long haul.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What do you do?
> 
> You stop cheating first! And by that I mean you stop cheating both you, your marriage, and the OM.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I hadn't thought of it that way. I love them both, and I'm cheating them both. That is hard to think of, but you're right. I guess I really need to make a decision, but it's so incredibly hard. I just don't know that I have any faith that me and my husband can have a fulfilling relationship again. Some people have suggested that I cut it off with both men. That is also an option. If I don't make a decision on my own, that may end up being the outcome anyway. Geez.... thanks for the thought. This isn't fair to anyone.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> My husband expressed this "kink" to me long before I met the OM. I was very uncomfortable with it for a long time. He would constantly hound me to tell him my fantasies about other men, even though I had none. He bought me a 7 and a half inch dildo and, taking advantage of my naivety, told me that most guys are about that size. He insisted that he couldn't possibly be enough for me sexually. He would make me call him in the middle of the (before we were married) and have phone sex with my dildo. Then right after we got married, he started going in and out of sexually dysfunctional phases, the worst being a 5 month period with no sex at all. He also became emotionally distant. I was married 2 years (together 4) before I ever looked at another man. Then my emotions followed with a fury that I couldn't control. My first husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son. I understand the anger that adultery can cause. Please try to understand that I am really trying to do the right thing, but I can't sell my soul in the process. I'm really trying to figure out what the right answer is. If I can manage to "fix" all this, who's to say that it will ever truly stop? Then I will end up divorced anyway and will have lost a very dear friend. I havent lied to my husband about any of our sexual encounters either. He likes hearing about it, and it's hard not to justify them in that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Talk about the H sounding much worse than the OM. You need to leave this guy. How old are you guys?(You, H and OM)


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Talk about the H sounding much worse than the OM. You need to leave this guy. How old are you guys?(You, H and OM)


I'm 31, the OM is 33 and my husband is 48. Yes, those ages are probably a factor in all this. When I met my husband, I was 24, and I think I wasn't the most emotionally mature person in the world. I hadn't partied, dated or socialized much. I got pregnant my senior year of high school, got married and divorced within a year and a half and, by the time I met my husband, I was trying to stay afloat with my own business. I was lonely and hadn't had time or opportunity to date at all. I think I was looking for a father figure and a care-taker, although I didn't realize it. I was so willing to put my life in his hands, that I never questioned him or thought critically about anything that had anything to do with him. This kink was something I should have taken more seriously, but I just didn't realize what I was dealing with. Now here I am, older and a little more confident. I've changed a lot and have developed more of my own sense of who I am. I have tried to work with my husband on what I perceive as a condescending, fathering attitude. Although we never fight and we have a pleasant communication style, I now realize that I have never truly connected with him on an emotionally intimate level. I know I'll get flack for saying this, but I feel like me and the OM connect and communicate on a deeper level. We understand each other in a way that I've never been able to communicate with my husband in. I know, I know... it's all just "dating". We're on our best behaviour and I don't know the OM's obnoxious habits and what it would be like to actually live with him. I know, but it doesn't trump the reality check that I now realize that there is a level of emotional connection out there that I don't have with my husband. I'm not sure if it is possible to achieve. It would be great if we could, though. And now that I understand what it feels like to truly connect with someone, it is very hard to accept that I am in a life-long commitment with someone that I don't have that with.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Look, at a certain level, that closeness is probably true.

You are within two years of each other. You both dealt with Princess Diana dying. You both listened to the same bands and watched the same movies. You were both brought up by MTV.

There are a thousand connections which are similar between the both of you...and about 1.5 million other people in America!

Recall that. He isn't that special. He's just closer to your age cohort.


Edited to add: And you've been working at making a small harbor of intimacy with him. Have you tried the same with your husband? COULD you have tried to do that with your husband in the past? Probably not.

If you had 10 texts a day with hubby instead of boytoy, do you think you might draw closer? 

When I dropped my OW and went to my wife, it certainly did us. YMMV.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SandyLady

It is definitely an age thing. You have the typical things in coomon with OM due to you closeness in age.

And I'm sure your husband is feeling that age differenence and in his mind he feels inadequate.

That is still no reason to push you to OM.

Your H will not be happy until he loses you, his marriage and his family. And he will realize he has lost you when it is too late.

I wonder if doing that will make you happy?

For some reason I do not think so???

HM64


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Reality intruding fantasy/warped thinking. Just imagine the conversation a few years ahead. 
Hi, SandyLady, how did you met guys? How did you fall in love with each other?
(Unspoken, Well my own husband back then pushed me to seduce him to fulfill his sick kink about me f0cking around, he targeted him. After many years playing this game we discovered we were soulmates, actually it was like love at first sight only we didn't know then, such a wonderful story).
Another one:
Mom, how did you fall in love with Stepdad?
Stepdad, what do I do to make this girl I like at HS fall be my GF? Tell me.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Reality intruding fantasy/warped thinking. Just imagine the conversation a few years ahead.
> Hi, SandyLady, how did you met guys? How did you fall in love with each other?
> (Unspoken, Well my own husband back then pushed me to seduce him to fulfill his sick kink about me f0cking around, he targeted him. After many years playing this game we discovered we were soulmates, actually it was like love at first sight only we didn't know then, such a wonderful story).
> Another one:
> ...


Yes. You are right about that. I've thought about that. Relationships born of infedility carry a cloud over them. I realize that. My husband's aunt and uncle have been married over 30 years. They have a nice, conservative Christian lifestyle. They have family and everything. But they started as an affair and even all these years later, after everyone has accepted and moved past it, nobody has forgotten that. It's a cloud that never really disappears. I have another friend that has been married 7 years. I remember her telling us "We dated a year before we slept together." As I became closer to her, she confessed that their relationship started as an affair. I said "You sure can spin things!" and even Prince Charles and Camilla. Or Tori Spelling and what's his face. I know. It's not something that other people view as romantic or acceptable, even if they come to accept it. You're right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> Thank you. I hadn't thought of it that way. I love them both, and I'm cheating them both. That is hard to think of, but you're right. I guess I really need to make a decision, but it's so incredibly hard. I just don't know that I have any faith that me and my husband can have a fulfilling relationship again. Some people have suggested that I cut it off with both men. That is also an option. If I don't make a decision on my own, that may end up being the outcome anyway. Geez.... thanks for the thought. This isn't fair to anyone.


Cutting off contact with both may seem like the best option but you really can't cut off contact with your husband can you? He's your son's father for life. OM is just some guy you met. I still would like to see you forcefully tell your husband to get help and that you will not see the OM again. The best of all worlds is that you and your husband R and live happily every after. If that can't happen then the next best thing is you divorce him and find someone OTHER THAN the OM to start a new life with. But bear in mind you will always have contact with your husband through your son.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I can see where you're going with this. I also know of a woman over at Experience Project that got pushed into the hotwife lifestyle by her husband. She fell in love with the guy she was only supposed to be having sex with. They started forgoing sex to go to movies and really just dating. They fell in love, she left her husband and married the OM. They are happy and still married today. 

Do I think that's the rule with these types of relationships? No. I think relationships born of infidelity are doomed to failure.

Are you a religious lady?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The problem is that the emotional connection you feel with this other man is not real. Your mind wants to believe it is but it's not. Every man has glaring faults. None of us are perfect. And a the fact that this guy was willing to go as far as he already has with you is a HUGE red flag.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

SandyLady80 said:


> Yes. You are right about that. I've thought about that. Relationships born of infedility carry a cloud over them. I realize that. My husband's aunt and uncle have been married over 30 years. They have a nice, *conservative Christian lifestyle.* They have family and everything. But they started as an affair and even all these years later, after everyone has accepted and moved past it, nobody has forgotten that. It's a cloud that never really disappears. I have another friend that has been married 7 years. I remember her telling us "We dated a year before we slept together." As I became closer to her, she confessed that their relationship started as an affair. I said "You sure can spin things!" and even Prince Charles and Camilla. Or Tori Spelling and what's his face. I know. It's not something that other people view as romantic or acceptable, even if they come to accept it. You're right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Proving once again that being conservative or Christian means absoutely nothing in the face of infidelity.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

sinnister said:


> The problem is that the emotional connection you feel with this other man is not real. Your mind wants to believe it is but it's not. Every man has glaring faults. None of us are perfect. And a the fact that this guy was willing to go as far as he already has with you is a HUGE red flag.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Another thing, imagine you leave BH for OM. How in the world he's going to trust you when it comes to male friends, coworker and alike?
How in the world OM is going to respect you? You know well once the honeymoon phase fade things you accept from your partner out of love ("warts and all", remember?) start becoming intolerable shortcomings. You now will be arguments. How in the world you believe your past as seducer by proxy is not going to be thrown at your face every corner?

OM have not a memory eraser.


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## rainee (Sep 18, 2012)

SandyLady80 said:


> I've been with my husband for almost 8 years. He is 17 years older than me, and was only the second man I had ever even kissed. I am 31. He is very sweet, loving, caring, and has taken my 13 year old son on as his own. He's financially changed my life for the better, and done many good things for me. From the beginning, he slowly introduced this cuckold fetish that he had. He was very clever with it. He convinced me over time that he was not enough for me sexually. He even went through stages of withholding sex. He always had an excuse, such as "I have a pain in my back" or "I just don't know what's wrong" or whatever. But it turns out that he was deliberately leaving me sexually frustrated so that I would look to other men. After 2 years of marriage(4 years together), I broke. I started becoming very attracted to a man I work worth. He was also married. Although we never touched each other, we developed a deep friendship and began to fall in love with each other. I felt a deep need for him emotionally. My husband was sexually excited by this, but at the same time he was alarmed by his perception that I was actually feeling more than just a sexual attraction. I felt trapped in my need for the other man and the pressure to please my husband with my attraction to the other man. I justified it easily, but it ate me up because I knew that I was falling too deeply. Still, things were stable, because my friend would not cheat on his wife, and he assumed I would not cheat on my husband. We were just friends. Then he got divorced about a year ago. I quickly let him know that I wanted to be more than friends. I told him that my husband was "okay" with it. He was confused, but gave in and we made out a few times. When this started happening, my husband had not had sex with me for several months. My husband finally broke down and confessed that nothing was wrong with him physically. He was withholding sex on purpose. He did not ACTUALLY want me to have sex with this other man, and in fact, he wanted me to end my friendship with him. He wanted to "get things right". Of course, as a good wife, I knew this was the "right thing to do". I quickly realized, however, that I just couldn't. It tore my heart out to cut the other man out of my life. He was very respectful, although confused. After about a month of trying to "be good" we resumed our friendship, somewhat secretly, although we did not take it back to a physical level. I just couldn't stand to be without his friendship. My husband and I have been struggling all year, because I now realize that I am completely in love with someone else. At the same time, it tears me to pieces to think of hurting my husband. I know he loves me, and I feel like I have failed him. I also don't want to tear my son's home up. After trying to cope for 8 months, my husband revisited his fetish, and told me to start my relationship with the other man again. I quickly did, but realized that the other man feels guilty about his contribution to this, and I also realize that I cannot live this way. (We have not actually had sex, as the other man refuses to take it to that point, but we have been very sexual together) I want to be with the other man and do not want to use my husband. I want to keep my son's home together, but I don't want to lie to my husband about how I feel. Being apart from the other man kills me, and the thought of telling my husband goodbye is unbearable. Oh my god, I feel so stuck, so torn. There is no solution, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but there seems no way around it. What do I do? Please don't tell me to forget the other man. Unless he chooses to leave my life, I am truly not capable of cutting him off. He is my peace in the middle of all this. The only time I feel good is when I'm with him. My husband is okay with my attraction to him one minute, and critical of it the next. I have tried to tell my husband how I really feel about the other man, but it's extremely difficult, and my husband already knows, anyway. It causes him great pain, and I am in a constant state of guilt, sadness and fear. I almost want to throw up sometimes. What do I do?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

My advice is to "man up" and tell your husband to shut up about sharing you with another man and for him to get counseling. Otherwise you are going to divorce him. Period

It may be that he wants to use this as an excuse to have other women.

Make him read Married Man Sex Life.

Have you investigated any cuckold blogs/sites to see what he is really interested in? He's sick.


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

people like you need some counselling. What you are doing is totally unacceptable. Maybe this happened because you married someone who is 17 years older than you what is not much suitable.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

shenox said:


> people like you need some counselling. What you are doing is totally unacceptable. Maybe this happened because you married someone who is 17 years older than you what is not much suitable.


What exactly is she doing wrong? Slowly and grudginly accquiesing to her husbands demands? Yes, that's wrong...But I'd blame the husband more. She is not naturally (or at least she wasn't...you got some splainin to do Sandy) inclined to doing this.

People make choices in spouses. Would a different relgion be better, worse? How about different culture? What exactly is inappropriate?

I blame her for falling in love with another man and hiding it. But she wasn't (orginally) putting on a short skirt and trolling bars looking for some strange. She got pushed into this.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

I AM in therapy. And I am trying to get my husband to join therapy with me. He is not against therapy, but he seems to keep putting off making an appointment. Yes, I have been reading more and more about this fetish, and it is opening my eyes to what is underneath it. I have also been able to look back over the years and have "lightbulb" moments of suddenly seeing how this has been a pretty constant influence in our relationship. Although my husband has always TOLD me how much he deeply deeply loves me, I'm questioning everything now. I don't know that he's ever really even known me or believed in me. I wonder if he chose me because I was so young, pliable and impressionable. I'm really sorry that I fell in love, believe me. No one is more sorry than me. But it's really easy to be angry with me for doing that. You can't understand what it was like from my vantage point. It is THE most devastating side effect of this fetish. And then the wife gets blamed for it. I hadn't even touched the guy before I fell in love with him! I controlled my actions for years, but I couldn't control my feelings. You can believe that or not. I can look myself in the mirror and know that it's the truth. I never in a million years thought I would fall in love. I never woke up one day and said, "Gee, I sure would like to develop an emotional attachment to this guy." Where is my blame?.... Well... I'll tell you. I should've known better from the very beginning. That is true. I was inexperienced and naive. I resisted my husband's ideas for years, but I never had the nerve to put my foot down with him and say, "NO!! I hate this and it's sick and wrong. Don't ever ask me again to develop fantasies about other men." I was uncomfortable with it, but I had no idea how dangerous it truly was. I know now. I've learned the hard way, and however this story ends, I swear to myself that I will NEVER play with this again. If I ever ended up again with a man that started playing around with these ideas, I would shut him down immediately and probably dump him. I personally know of three other women that have been in these types of relationships, and it never leads to the sexual nirvana that is intended. It leads to incredibly confusing, painful knots twisting in your stomach. It leads to being pulled in a thousand different directions every day. If you are judging me, you have no idea what I've gone through emotionally. Of course I hold responsibility, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm not living right now. I'm just trying to emotionally survive. My first husband cheated on me. I understand the rage and hurt that affairs cause. I understand it completely, and I know that a lot of the anger directed towards me comes from that anger. I don't judge you for judging me, but the world is not always black and white. I believe that I'm doing the best I can. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just don't know how to find a place where I can stop hurting every day. I know I'll find it eventually.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Good Luck. You are becoming a better and wiser person from this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> I just don't know how to find a place where I can stop hurting every day. I know I'll find it eventually.


The path to that place is you making the choice and following through to stop seeing the OM, and to either choose to stay with your husband and get him treatment, or to tell him you can't live with his illness and divorce him.

You're continued suffering is right now being perpetuated by you on yourself by not making that hard choice.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The path to that place is you making the choice and following through to stop seeing the OM, and to either choose to stay with your husband and get him treatment, or to tell him you can't live with his illness and divorce him.
> 
> You're continued suffering is right now being perpetuated by you on yourself by not making that hard choice.


You're absolutely right. It's just the most difficult and terrifying choice I've ever had to make, and I've been through some hard choices in my life. You're absolutely right, though. To find the strength to do what I have to do, I first have to find confidence in whatever decision I make. It's a very terrifying, gut wrenching process. My first reaction was "Duh! Stay with your husband. Make it work." But now I wonder if he ever really loved me. I wonder if I can ever trust him again. I wonder if I can ever open my heart to him again. I wonder if he'll ever stop confusing me and sending me mixed messages and turning me in circles. If my marriage is never going to be healthy, then how can I justify ripping my guts out to try to save it? To quit smoking, you have to really WANT to quit smoking. That's the hardest part and the only thing that makes the difference between success and failure. To fix my marriage, I have to WANT to. I'm trying to find my "WANT TO". Just because I "should" want it doesn't magically make me want it. I have to find a reason. And for the love of God... I can already hear everyone saying, "What about your son? Isn't that a good enough reason?" Sorry... no. I don't want to teach him that you have to stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of the kids. And wanting the best for my son doesn't magically make me want to re-build the relationship with my husband. I am aware that this is important for my son, but at the same time, I don't want my son growing up in a home where he learns that you have to stay together no matter how miserable you are. If I had a son or daughter in this same situation, I would tell them to try their best to save their marriage, but ultimately you have to live your life in peace. I wouldn't want them to sell their soul for the sake of family. That's what my grandparents did, and now what? They get to be buried next to each other. Woo hoo. I am sad for both of them, and I wish that they could have lead happier lives. But they sucked it up and stayed miserably together. For what?


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

JCD said:


> Good Luck. You are becoming a better and wiser person from this.


Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it. It's easy to make me out to be the bad guy. I've done it to myself plenty. People like you have helped me find peace with myself. Thanks.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

SandyLady80 said:


> You're absolutely right. It's just the most difficult and terrifying choice I've ever had to make, and I've been through some hard choices in my life. You're absolutely right, though. To find the strength to do what I have to do, I first have to find confidence in whatever decision I make. It's a very terrifying, gut wrenching process. My first reaction was "Duh! Stay with your husband. Make it work." But now I wonder if he ever really loved me. I wonder if I can ever trust him again. I wonder if I can ever open my heart to him again. I wonder if he'll ever stop confusing me and sending me mixed messages and turning me in circles. If my marriage is never going to be healthy, then how can I justify ripping my guts out to try to save it? To quit smoking, you have to really WANT to quit smoking. That's the hardest part and the only thing that makes the difference between success and failure. To fix my marriage, I have to WANT to. I'm trying to find my "WANT TO". Just because I "should" want it doesn't magically make me want it. I have to find a reason. And for the love of God... I can already hear everyone saying, "What about your son? Isn't that a good enough reason?" Sorry... no. I don't want to teach him that you have to stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of the kids. And wanting the best for my son doesn't magically make me want to re-build the relationship with my husband. I am aware that this is important for my son, but at the same time, I don't want my son growing up in a home where he learns that you have to stay together no matter how miserable you are. If I had a son or daughter in this same situation, I would tell them to try their best to save their marriage, but ultimately you have to live your life in peace. I wouldn't want them to sell their soul for the sake of family. That's what my grandparents did, and now what? They get to be buried next to each other. Woo hoo. I am sad for both of them, and I wish that they could have lead happier lives. But they sucked it up and stayed miserably together. For what?


Okay Your husband admitted he wanted to you sleep with another man. That was a terrible idea considering he couldn't possibly understand the emotional implications of his fetish. Also you are to blame for not setting your boundaries. Now in the current situation you are in would be to pull away from both men. Separate from your husband until he gets his head on straight. Then also separate from the OM. You need to get away from the situation right now. You need to determine what is the best choice. You couldn't possibly do that with either man right now. Because you are in the emotional fog of your original affair. Plus your current husband is trying to reel you back in. You need to emotionally detach from the OM and step away from your husband. 
Spend time with your kid and focus on him and yourself. Tell your H he has to get counciling and give up the fetish. Tell the OM you are confused and need some space. 
If either one of them cannot respect your wishes then dump them both. The one the listens to you and is willing to play it your way is likely the one who is not just after putting something between your legs. 
In your situation alone would any part of the affair be traceable to your H. This is not a normal situation nor is it an excuse for you to shift all blame.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

badbane said:


> Okay Your husband admitted he wanted to you sleep with another man. That was a terrible idea considering he couldn't possibly understand the emotional implications of his fetish. Also you are to blame for not setting your boundaries. Now in the current situation you are in would be to pull away from both men. Separate from your husband until he gets his head on straight. Then also separate from the OM. You need to get away from the situation right now. You need to determine what is the best choice. You couldn't possibly do that with either man right now. Because you are in the emotional fog of your original affair. Plus your current husband is trying to reel you back in. You need to emotionally detach from the OM and step away from your husband.
> Spend time with your kid and focus on him and yourself. Tell your H he has to get counciling and give up the fetish. Tell the OM you are confused and need some space.
> If either one of them cannot respect your wishes then dump them both. The one the listens to you and is willing to play it your way is likely the one who is not just after putting something between your legs.
> In your situation alone would any part of the affair be traceable to your H. This is not a normal situation nor is it an excuse for you to shift all blame.


That's probably the best idea I've heard. Much easier said than done, but it is a good idea. OM was more than respectful the three times that I cut things off with him. Of course, it never lasted as long as it was supposed to, so I don't know that that counts. I have thought of just seeing which one dumps me first, but that's being chicken s&*% and letting them do the dirty work for me. I haven't thought of separating from both of them in order to clear my mind. When I am gone from both of them, on vacation or whatever, I feel relief that I'm away from my husband and I find myself wanting to show OM the things I'm experiencing on my vacation. I guess that is telling. I am also trying to focus more on my son, but he's at that age where he just wants to do his own thing all the time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - the hardest prisons to escape, and the most brutal, are the ones we put ourselves in.

However, once you realize what you've done, you also know you have the key.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> That's probably the best idea I've heard. Much easier said than done, but it is a good idea. OM was more than respectful the three times that I cut things off with him. Of course, it never lasted as long as it was supposed to, so I don't know that that counts. I have thought of just seeing which one dumps me first, but that's being chicken s&*% and letting them do the dirty work for me. I haven't thought of separating from both of them in order to clear my mind. When I am gone from both of them, on vacation or whatever, I feel relief that I'm away from my husband and I find myself wanting to show OM the things I'm experiencing on my vacation. I guess that is telling. I am also trying to focus more on my son, but he's at that age where he just wants to do his own thing all the time.


The OM is the easy fantasy that validates you and doesn't have to deal with your son or paying bills etc. So don't assume that just because you want to text him, that you should actually be with him a real relationship.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

If I could make another suggestion?

There is this key over on the right side of your keyboard. It says 'Enter'

When you press it, it moves to another line and allows you to space out your ideas with a little white space (or is it pink space?) between the black lines of text. 

Putting these lines in allows you to isolate your ideas and makes for easier reading then long blocky paragraphs. 

This is an easy thing for you to fix.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

One of my concerns is how much your description and histroy with your H is distorted by your 6 year emotional involvement with the OM. Many cheaters rewrite the marital history once they become emotionally invested in another relationship. You might say you were just friends with the OM, but you felt something stronger emotionally, making it toxic to your marriage. It became an EA the moment you wished for more. 

You may truly believe you are not rewritting your marital history, but your perception may very well be tainted by your desire for another man. Cognitive dissonance is the culprit in these situations. If you haven't heard of it, look it up. Then take a step back and think. Would your husband read all your posts and agree with everything you've said? What would he add? Would his input alter how we see your situation?

I'm not trying to be an @hole. It's just that during and right after my H's EA/PA he was foggy, totally wrapped up in his own beliefs. It wasn't until months later that he could look back and say he couldn't see the forest for the trees during that time. The emotional high he felt during the affair was like an addiction and tainted how he viewed me and our marriage.

Just wanted to throw that out there as something for you to consider. In my opinion, you should confess all the details of your affair to your H. You'll know if you came totally clean if you can print of your posts to let him read and he'd learn nothing new. Then, go from there. He might make the decision to divorce for you or it might be the impetus for him to join you in counseling.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> You're absolutely right. It's just the most difficult and terrifying choice I've ever had to make, and I've been through some hard choices in my life. You're absolutely right, though. To find the strength to do what I have to do, I first have to find confidence in whatever decision I make. It's a very terrifying, gut wrenching process. My first reaction was "Duh! Stay with your husband. Make it work." But now I wonder if he ever really loved me. I wonder if I can ever trust him again. I wonder if I can ever open my heart to him again. I wonder if he'll ever stop confusing me and sending me mixed messages and turning me in circles. If my marriage is never going to be healthy, then how can I justify ripping my guts out to try to save it? To quit smoking, you have to really WANT to quit smoking. That's the hardest part and the only thing that makes the difference between success and failure. To fix my marriage, I have to WANT to. I'm trying to find my "WANT TO". Just because I "should" want it doesn't magically make me want it. I have to find a reason. And for the love of God... I can already hear everyone saying, "What about your son? Isn't that a good enough reason?" Sorry... no. I don't want to teach him that you have to stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of the kids. And wanting the best for my son doesn't magically make me want to re-build the relationship with my husband. I am aware that this is important for my son, but at the same time, I don't want my son growing up in a home where he learns that you have to stay together no matter how miserable you are. If I had a son or daughter in this same situation, I would tell them to try their best to save their marriage, but ultimately you have to live your life in peace. I wouldn't want them to sell their soul for the sake of family. That's what my grandparents did, and now what? They get to be buried next to each other. Woo hoo. I am sad for both of them, and I wish that they could have lead happier lives. But they sucked it up and stayed miserably together. For what?



What I'm wondering is, have you told your husband any of this? Have you told him the deep emotional pain you are experiencing right now? If so, what does he say?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You can be a victim for so long but then you become a volunteer.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

sandc said:


> What I'm wondering is, have you told your husband any of this? Have you told him the deep emotional pain you are experiencing right now? If so, what does he say?


I tried to hide it at first (when he cut everything off at the beginning of the year). I tried to forget the OM and fake it the best I could. That lasted about a month until he confronted me.

Then we went through a few months of me trying to figure out what my problem was. I thought "If I can figure out what's wrong with my marital relationship, maybe that will help me let go of OM". So we had many long discussions about what our relationship lacked and ways that both of us felt unfulfilled.

After about 2 and a half months, I finally admitted to him that I "wasn't happy" and I "didn't feel in love" with him anymore. Those were the last things I wanted to tell him, but he really nailed me down and demanded that I tell him what I wasn't telling him. So I did. He asked me "Do you think you're in love with someone else?" I nodded yes. We were both crying. It was terrible. He admitted that he wasn't thrilled with me, either, and hadn't been for a long time. 

I really thought that that would end our relationship right there, but it didn't. He always told me that if I ever wasn't happy, he'd "let me go". That was why I was so terrified to tell him that, but I guess it was an empty threat.

About two months ago, I became more honest than ever with him. Per my therapist's advice, I wrote a timeline of our relationship and the sequence of events that lead up to the place we were. 

At that point, I was very honest with him about how painful it had been to cut OM out of the picture. Telling your husband that you are heartbroken over someone else is very difficult. I was sick to my stomach, and I'm sure he was too to hear it. But it was the truth. 

What did he say? When me and my husband talk about these things, he goes on and on and on. From one conversation to the next, his ideas and attitudes can be very different. When he talks, I clam up. I just get really afraid to say anything. I know I have to work on that. The fear is overwhelming, though. In a nutshell, I think his general message is , "Well... now what do we do? How do we fix this?" And I have no answers for that. I just don't know what to say.

I've told my husband everything, but just stopping short of saying, "I'm in love with OM... sorry". I've told him that I'm emotionally attached to him. I'm sure my husband has the message pretty clearly without me having to actually use the "L" word. 

My therapist said that the next time I lay truth on him like that, I should give him something to work with. Instead of "I'm in love with.... so there ya go," I should say "I'm in love and I need you give me time... or I need you to accept it.... or whatever"... to give him something to do with the information. 

She also said that I need to get over my fear of telling him how I really feel. That I can't begin to rebuild an intimate relationship with someone that I don't feel emotionally "safe" with. If you can't show someone what's inside you, how can you ever hope to feel a loving bond with them?

But when you know that what's inside of you could destroy the relationship completely, then what good is that?

Oh my gosh. This sucks.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Husband was wrong to get married in the first place. He should've cohabited and enjoyed an open marriage (or whatever you call it in these circumstances). OP, you're not in love with your husband and to be frank, you're just mooching off his living because of your son. The only reason you're in this "limbo" is primarily because you 're afraid of the prospect of losing everything he provides. If you were successful and financially independent, you would've been out the door yesterday. I really don't buy the "deep down I love him and want to make it work". 

I think you should be brutally honest with your husband and inform the OM of the prospect of moving in and bringing your son too (interested to know what his reaction would be with that one).


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Saffron said:


> One of my concerns is how much your description and histroy with your H is distorted by your 6 year emotional involvement with the OM. Many cheaters rewrite the marital history once they become emotionally invested in another relationship. You might say you were just friends with the OM, but you felt something stronger emotionally, making it toxic to your marriage. It became an EA the moment you wished for more.
> 
> You may truly believe you are not rewritting your marital history, but your perception may very well be tainted by your desire for another man. Cognitive dissonance is the culprit in these situations. If you haven't heard of it, look it up. Then take a step back and think. Would your husband read all your posts and agree with everything you've said? What would he add? Would his input alter how we see your situation?
> 
> ...


I'm really trying to be fair about this, so I hear you. My husband sometimes tries to tell me the same thing. For the record, there's nothing in these posts that my husband doesn't already know, except for the handful of times I secretly snowboarded with OM. Other than that, he wouldn't be surprised by any of it.

He might be very hurt to hear it in such unfiltered language. That's a problem I have. I try to sugar coat everything. I feel like I'm on eggshells, and it's not because he has a temper. It's because I never know how he'll react to certain things. Talking to him is like walking through a minefield.

If he were here to tell his side... He'd first point out that he never wanted me to develop feelings for another man. He'd say that when I did develop feelings for another man, I continued to spend time with that man. I sugar coated it, and I wasn't honest with him about how deep my feelings were. He would also say that I never reassured him that he was the only man for me. He just wanted to hear me say, one time, "You're the only thing I need." I never told him that. I did the first four years of our relationship, but I stopped telling him that.

He'd say that he finally came clean about all the games he'd been playing with me. After 7 years, he finally confessed all the ways he had been manipulating me and playing games with me. He wanted it all to stop. He wanted a healthy relationship at that point. But then I couldn't put it down. By then, it was no longer him pushing. I didn't want to stop anymore. I emotionally abandoned him.

Where did the girl he married go? That girl that only wanted him. She was naive, innocent and so simple in what she wanted. She just wanted a family and a stable home for her boy. How could she let lust blind her to the important things in her life? How could she put all her priorities on the shelf because some hot guy popped up in her life?

He'd say he's done everything he can to accept the unacceptable. He knew he'd have to be flexible marrying someone 17 years younger than him, but accepting another man in her life? How can she expect THAT? 

He'd say that he can't believe after all the things he's done for me, and all the good things we've shared, that we'd be bankrupt over this one thing. Was there so little left in our account that this one withdrawal has bankrupted us? 

I'm sorry. That's what I keep saying. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I'm so sorry. I just don't know how to fix this anymore. I never wanted all this to happen. I didn't marry him to hurt him, but I don't know how to find "us" again. I'm so unhappy here, and I don't know how to find my happiness here anymore. I don't know what the right thing to do is.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Husband was wrong to get married in the first place. He should've cohabited and enjoyed an open marriage (or whatever you call it in these circumstances). OP, you're not in love with your husband and to be frank, you're just mooching off his living because of your son. The only reason you're in this "limbo" is primarily because you 're afraid of the prospect of losing everything he provides. If you were successful and financially independent, you would've been out the door yesterday. I really don't buy the "deep down I love him and want to make it work".
> 
> I think you should be brutally honest with your husband and inform the OM of the prospect of moving in and bringing your son too (interested to know what his reaction would be with that one).


There's no way I'm going to break my son's home up and move him in with a new guy. If I divorce, I'm committed to remaining single until my son is grown.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> I AM in therapy. And I am trying to get my husband to join therapy with me. He is not against therapy, but he seems to keep putting off making an appointment.


Give him a drop dead date. 



SandyLady80 said:


> I tried to hide it at first...
> .
> .
> .
> ...


So you're still hiding this from him. This is not at first. You are still hiding things. Lying by omission it's called.





SandyLady80 said:


> My therapist said that the next time I lay truth on him like that, I should give him something to work with. Instead of "I'm in love with.... so there ya go," I should say "I'm in love and I need you give me time... or I need you to accept it.... or whatever"... to give him something to do with the information.


:redcard: I'm calling bnllsh!t on this. Not you but what your therapist is telling you. "I'm in love with OM and I need you to accept it." Your husband does not have to accept this. I wouldn't accept it. No man should ever be told this. Seriously WTF?




SandyLady80 said:


> She also said that I need to get over my fear of telling him how I really feel. That I can't begin to rebuild an intimate relationship with someone that I don't feel emotionally "safe" with. If you can't show someone what's inside you, how can you ever hope to feel a loving bond with them?
> 
> But when you know that what's inside of you could destroy the relationship completely, then what good is that?
> 
> Oh my gosh. This sucks.


There is nothing safe about life. If he is not going to physically harm you then you need to woman up and just TALK TO HIM. Your therapist is coddling you a little too much. If you can't honestly communicate your feelings and always feel you have to hold something back because you have to protect other people from the deep feelings that only you can possibly have then you should never be in a relationship. Both men deserve better treatment that this.



SandyLady80 said:


> I'm really trying to be fair about this, so I hear you. My husband sometimes tries to tell me the same thing. For the record, there's nothing in these posts that my husband doesn't already know, except for the handful of times I secretly snowboarded with OM. Other than that, he wouldn't be surprised by any of it.


And the fact that you're in LOVE with om. You're telling your husband it's only a deep emotional attachment right? It's starting to sound like you're not being very fair about this.



SandyLady80 said:


> He might be very hurt to hear it in such unfiltered language. That's a problem I have. I try to sugar coat everything. I feel like I'm on eggshells, and it's not because he has a temper. It's because I never know how he'll react to certain things. Talking to him is like walking through a minefield.


And he'd do what then? Talk? Be disappointed in you? What exactly are you afraid he'll do?



SandyLady80 said:


> If he were here to tell his side...
> 
> He'd first point out that he never wanted me to develop feelings for another man.
> He'd say that when I did develop feelings for another man, I continued to spend time with that man.
> ...


Can you see your own dishonesty there?




SandyLady80 said:


> He'd say that he finally came clean about all the games he'd been playing with me. After 7 years, he finally confessed all the ways he had been manipulating me and playing games with me. He wanted it all to stop. He wanted a healthy relationship at that point. But then I couldn't put it down. By then, it was no longer him pushing. I didn't want to stop anymore. I emotionally abandoned him.


And didn't you?



SandyLady80 said:


> Where did the girl he married go? That girl that only wanted him. She was naive, innocent and so simple in what she wanted. She just wanted a family and a stable home for her boy. How could she let lust blind her to the important things in her life? How could she put all her priorities on the shelf because some hot guy popped up in her life?


I'd say she was starting to grow up. STARTING...



SandyLady80 said:


> He'd say he's done everything he can to accept the unacceptable. He knew he'd have to be flexible marrying someone 17 years younger than him, but accepting another man in her life? How can she expect THAT?


Well because this was HIS fantasy. He pushed her onto another man. But she should never have let herself be pushed into this situation. And when she knew she was violating the rules and started falling for this she should have put the brakes on for good. But that's ancient history for now.



SandyLady80 said:


> He'd say that he can't believe after all the things he's done for me, and all the good things we've shared, that we'd be bankrupt over this one thing. Was there so little left in our account that this one withdrawal has bankrupted us?


Well yeah, sometimes we go bankrupt. Fact of life. One of the painful truths of life is that not everything can be fixed. Some things can be broken beyond repair.




SandyLady80 said:


> I'm sorry. That's what I keep saying. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I'm so sorry. I just don't know how to fix this anymore. I never wanted all this to happen. I didn't marry him to hurt him, but I don't know how to find "us" again. I'm so unhappy here, and I don't know how to find my happiness here anymore. I don't know what the right thing to do is.


Yeah we get that you're sorry. We get that you never wanted it to happen.

Look, I've felt a lot of sympathy for you because this is the path my wife and I were headed down. Luckily I pulled my head out of my a$$ before it got this far. My wife told me that if she had done what I was asking her to do she probably would have left me because if I didn't feel she was too precious to share, then she'd rather find a man who would think that way.

I'm going to start being more matter of fact with you. Maybe you do deserve someone who values you more than your husband. But puh-lease, don't think for a minute it's OM. He doesn't think you're too good to share with someone else. You know why? Because he does share you with someone else! So now why do you not love one man that is okay with sharing you, but you do love the other man that is okay with sharing you?

You need to get your head on straight about this but really no matter what choice you make, all the choices involve dumping OM so just take that as a given okay? Get past him. He's done.

Now, your remaining choices involve either staying with your husband and keeping your kids family intact, or dumping your husband and living as a single mom. Do you really believe you will be able to be single for the next 15 years or so? Or are you planning on just fooling around on the side hoping your kid won't notice? I'm not trying to be mean here, just a realist.

You need to make your choice now. Stay or leave. If you stay, we can give you help on reconciling with your husband. TAM'ers are experts on that. If you want to divorce, TAM'ers are experts on that too. I'm leary of separation in your situation because honestly I think you and OM would use that as an excuse to get together again. I know you've told us all what an honorable man OM is. Yeah, the guy that's giving face to another man's wife is a REAL stand up guy.

Again, sorry to be harsh but it's time for you to make some decisions.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I'm going to start being more matter of fact with you. Maybe you do deserve someone who values you more than your husband. But puh-lease, don't think for a minute it's OM. He doesn't think you're too good to share with someone else. You know why? Because he does share you with someone else! So now why do you not love one man that is okay with sharing you, but you do love the other man that is okay with sharing you?


That says in a nutshell a out the OM.

And Sandylady,

Where is your son in all this?

You have your husband, you have your OM but where does your boy fit in all this mess?

It is not just about you in this A. Whether you leave your H or give up OM. You really do not take your son into any consideration.
.....


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> That says in a nutshell a out the OM.
> 
> And Sandylady,
> 
> ...


My son doesn't have much to do with this mess, so I don't have reason to bring him up. I think about how this could affect him everyday. Believe me. I think of him losing time with his "Papa". I think of how much resentment he might feel towards me. I think of how it will affect his outlook on the world. He is also the reason that I could never consider living with another man until he's grown. I consider him very much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

sandc said:


> You need to make your choice now. Stay or leave. If you stay, we can give you help on reconciling with your husband. TAM'ers are experts on that. If you want to divorce, TAM'ers are experts on that too. I'm leary of separation in your situation because honestly I think you and OM would use that as an excuse to get together again. I know you've told us all what an honorable man OM is. Yeah, the guy that's giving face to another man's wife is a REAL stand up guy.
> 
> Again, sorry to be harsh but it's time for you to make some decisions.


I really appreciate that you've obviously taken the time to read my posts, so it's okay if you're harsh. You're probably gonna wanna kill me for asking this, but really... Do you really honestly think I should be bluntly brutally honest about my feelings for OM? Once I do that, I can't take it back. It scares me to death and I'm not sure it's the right thing to do. Sorry, you're probably wanting to throw the keyboard through the screen, but honestly...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should consider the character of the OM here. He s also sharing you, with your husband. The OMacceots that you are having sex with both men.

Not really such a great guy after all.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> I really appreciate that you've obviously taken the time to read my posts, so it's okay if you're harsh. You're probably gonna wanna kill me for asking this, but really... Do you really honestly think I should be bluntly brutally honest about my feelings for OM? Once I do that, I can't take it back. It scares me to death and I'm not sure it's the right thing to do. Sorry, you're probably wanting to throw the keyboard through the screen, but honestly...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I do think that. Not brutal honesty but radical honesty. Explain everything to your H as you've explained it to us. Yes he's going to get angry but you need to remind him that he is reaping what was sown. He pushed you to another man. You didn't want to fall in love but you did. Now where do you both go from here.

Sometimes we need a 2x4 to the head to wake us up. Some folks don't respond to sugar coated niceness. If you're husband is mature, he'll listen. 

What I want to make sure IS NOT happening is that you are not becoming addicted to the drama and attention you are getting now. I think you thrive on attention. I'm only guessing this due to the length of time you've spent discussing the problem with us. You haven't moved on to trying to work the problem. You need to start working the problem. The radical honesty you share with your husband may be painful at first but in the end it may surprise you.

I'm not throwing my keyboard yet bit it's looking awful tempting...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your marriage is like a lovely vase.

You put flowers in it that made the room smell nice, your husband filled the vase up with s**t and then had the nerve to say: "Oh, wow! Honey! Your vase of flowers stinks like s**t! What on earth caused that?"


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Character is key here. OM's character is that really, he was fine messing around with another man's wife. You can rationalize it to yourself any way you want. You were special, you were sweet, kind, whatever. Bottom line is, he was married, messing around with a woman that was married. Not a lot of character there.

What kind of character are you going to show now? Someone once said, "The essence of character is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking." I would add that it is also doing the right thing, even when it hurts like hell.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Sandy, what your husband has can't be cured. They can control it for a while but eventually it'll come out again. Alot of men do have fantasies about that situation at one point in their marriages. But it's a fantasy only. I know I've had them but again it's all fantasy. Your husband has a fantasy that he wants to become reality and he doesn't have that self control to say, no this is my wife and no other man is going to touch her as long as I'm breathing.

He'll stop for a while then start again, then you'll go through this again and he'll stop again and then start again. Why, because he's hoping one day you'll say Ok. And then you're sleeping with strange men and at the end of the day you won't be able to look at yourself anymore or you'll enjoy it and it'll get worse and worse and worse until it finally hits you like a freight train.

It's not in you to do this, I can tell from your confusion. But eventually you'll reason it out that you're doing it out of love for your husband and maybe if you do just this once he'll stop bugging you. He'll never stop bugging you.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I stopped. It can be done.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You have a PM


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Now your posts are much easier to read. Thank you.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

I think you have your thoughts about the effects of your situation on your son backwards. It is for your 13 year old son that you should end your marriage to a man who does not respect you and is a poor example as a husband for your son.

I shared with you my complete thoughts on your matter a few pages back. I see nothing in your recent posts to change my take on your marriage or the disstressful situation you have been placed in by your "husband in name only".


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## The dumb-one (Sep 22, 2012)

SandyLady80 said:


> There's no way I'm going to break my son's home up and move him in with a new guy. If I divorce, I'm committed to remaining single until my son is grown.



This is so smart and I agree. If it doesn't work you need to stay single and not even bring this OM around your son. 
This will save your relationship with your son.

Unfortunately the mother who is betrayed or is the one that betrays usually is looked at poorly by the children.

You have to be righteous and stick to the plan.

Good luck


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Well... I did it. Saturday my husband went out, and at his suggestion, I invited OM over to hang out for a couple hours. OM came over and we sat and chatted for an hour or so. He absolutely refused to touch me, though. He's on and off about it, depending on how guilty he's feeling at the moment. When he left, I felt pretty deflated.

Then when my husband got home, he told me that one of the girls he was with at the bar came onto him and was kissing him and they were making out a little bit. As far as I know that's the first time he's ever kissed another girl since he's known me. For some reason, it didn't bother me. 

I woke up Sunday morning, and it hit me. This isn't working. It's really really not. I can't have it both ways and I truly can't take it anymore. I got up, and cried on the back porch for about an hour before my husband got up. Then I sat him down and really told him that I was in love with OM. Then I said that I knew that I had to cut my friendship off with OM if our marriage had any chance.

So I cried all day long and laid in bed and finally went over to OM's house at about 7 at night. I told him I couldn't spend time with him anymore because I would never be able to give my marriage a fair chance if I was allowing myself to be constantly distracted by him. 

He was disappointed and asked why we couldn't just be friends. I told him how I felt and said that I can't even see my marriage anymore. I don't even know if I have a good marriage or not. I can't even see it. All I do is think about him. My marriage doesn't have a prayer until I eliminate the distraction. 

He made me spaghetti, hugged me for a half hour and I left. I feel kind of numb this morning. I don't really know if I can do this, but I'm going to try. I'm going to really give it a really honest try. 

Does it ever stop hurting? How do I find happiness in my marriage again? If I can't, how will I know when it's time to give up? How can I let go of OM? He's been a part of me for three and a half years. 

Here's a back story:

I was an 18 year old honor student who'd never been kissed. I had plans to go into medicine. Right before I graduated high school, I made a bad decision. I got knocked up by a guy I thought was a good guy. We got married and had a baby. In the year and half we were married, he had a job an accumulative 4 months. I realized half way in that he was a meth addict. I was working full time all through my pregnancy and after I gave birth trying to support both of us. He would steal the cash that I made, also. So he wouldn't get a job, and I had to hide the money that I was making. It was a financial nightmare from hell. I had to go to his family, our church and my family every month begging for help. I left him once, we got back together. Then when I left him for good, I found out he'd been cheating on me. I had to make the difficult decision of cutting him off from my son's life for good. I was legally able to achieve that.


Anyway... my point is, what I had to do yesterday was even harder than all that. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still don't really know if I can. But I realize that it's the only way. I'm tired of this nightmare. I need something to change.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What kind of person is your H? he seems pretty manipulative through the whole thing!! Your selection in men seems to be consistent problem.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I am proud of you Sandy Lady.

It is the tough choices we make in our lives that define us as the persons we truly are.

You are a good person.

Work on your marriage. And tell your H to knock it off and love only you.

If he cannot then you have another tough choice to make.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Does it ever stop hurting? How do I find happiness in my marriage again? If I can't, how will I know when it's time to give up? How can I let go of OM? He's been a part of me for three and a half years.


 Forget for a while in "how to fix the marriage". Focus only in getting past the withdrawal from OM. At day at a time. You alreay tried in the past only to cave in weeks later. 
This time stick to it NO MATTER WHAT. As they say NC = No new hurts.
Write down all the reasons why you must go NC. Write a mantra in a card, get busy body and soul. Get exhausted. You can't avout floating thoughts but you can reject them as the come and refocus you attention. It's mental diet. Nobody died due a break up. You are going to be angry, depressed, bad to moody... it's just anxiety, your braing adjusting the chemicals. It shall pass.
Your mind is going to trick yourself into a last "harmless" conversation, a "hi, how are things going on". Reject it. Closure is a falacy. It comes from within, coming to terms with the end.
Get rid of evey memento, card, email, gift. Block him from every way of comunication, cut every temptation avenue. Defriend him of FB, block his number. Change your routines, your patterns, avoid his street, every trigger, even your appearance. Get in touch with another friends.
Hang tough

You have a PM


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What kind of person is your H? he seems pretty manipulative through the whole thing!! Your selection in men seems to be consistent problem.


He may be, but I'm trying to make a fair, sound judgment on that. For as long as I'm with OM, it's too easy to see the bad in my husband, because it helps justify what I'm doing. I need to clear my head and really look at my husband and our relationship. I can't see it anymore. All I can see is that it's NOT the relationship I have with OM. 

If somehow I do end up with OM, neither I nor he wants it to be like this. We don't want the legacy of "I left my husband and family for you." Maybe 20 or 30 years down the road we'll find each other again (I know... romantic nonsense... but my mind is in pieces right now.) If I end my marriage, I have to honestly end my marriage because of my marriage, not because of another man.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Even if you divorce you husband, please try to get him treatment for his emotional problem.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Even if you divorce you husband, please try to get him treatment for his emotional problem.


I'm doing the best I can with that, but he doesn't really want to hear that he has an emotional problem. He's not pushing it right now like he used to. He seems able to drop it if I want to drop it. Is he "all better"? I'm not that naive, but here I go down this road with him. We'll go to counseling and talk about it.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Glad to see you doing this. No matter how this turns out you're going to be a stronger woman for it. If you're a religious lady now might be the time for much prayer.

It worked for my wife.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

sandc said:


> Glad to see you doing this. No matter how this turns out you're going to be a stronger woman for it. If you're a religious lady now might be the time for much prayer.
> 
> It worked for my wife.


Thanks. I'm not religious at all. I wish I was. It might help me to be able to pray, but I don't have that. That's a long story, too. I was raised in a very rigid, religious (cultish) environment and when I couldn't live with it anymore, it was extremely difficult for me to tell my family, friends and basically everyone I knew that I couldn't be part of that world anymore. I knew they'd all think I was going to hell. I actually kept it to myself for over a year. But I guess being true to ourselves can be extremely difficult sometimes, but it's the only way to be happy.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Are you happy?

Just a rhetorical question. Don't answer.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Where was your son when you were on your date with the OM and your husband was out hitting on chicks and kissing them?


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Where was your son when you were on your date with the OM and your husband was out hitting on chicks and kissing them?


Oh gosh... you wanna know the truth? We have a pretty big house, and my son was asleep downstairs. OM and I were outside the whole time on the porch. We were just sitting (in separate chairs) and talking the whole time. I know that's bad, and OM didn't like it either, which is why he didn't stay very long. We just talked for about an hour and he left. That's the only time I've ever done that. Normally, during the social time with OM, my son was in school, with my husband or at my mom's.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> He may be, but I'm trying to make a fair, sound judgment on that. For as long as I'm with OM, it's too easy to see the bad in my husband, because it helps justify what I'm doing. I need to clear my head and really look at my husband and our relationship. I can't see it anymore. All I can see is that it's NOT the relationship I have with OM.
> 
> If somehow I do end up with OM, neither I nor he wants it to be like this. We don't want the legacy of "I left my husband and family for you." Maybe 20 or 30 years down the road we'll find each other again (I know... romantic nonsense... but my mind is in pieces right now.) If I end my marriage, I have to honestly end my marriage because of my marriage, not because of another man.


Are you in IC ? Give your H a fair chance but don't get stuck in a abusive situation with a manipulative person.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Are you in IC ? Give your H a fair chance but don't get stuck in a abusive situation with a manipulative person.


What's IC? I've been seeing a therapist for three months, and me and my husband are (supposedly) planning on attending couple's therapy. I hear what you're saying. I have two close friends that have been through similar problems with their husbands (one's divorced, the other still married). They have really expressed the idea that my husband has seriously manipulative tendencies. I know that friends can really be unfairly biased, though, especially if they've experienced the kind of manipulation that they are perceiving. I'm trying not to just jump on the "He's a bastard!" wagon, but at the same time, I'm paying closer attention to what he does and says and who he really is. He really knows how to TELL me how important I am, and how important our marriage is. He knows how to make me feel guilty about all this without sounding angry or argumentative. He comes off as a genuine, caring guy. But he has also shown me his manipulative side, and I'm really trying to figure out now who he really is.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

He's probably a caring guy with a manipulative side. I saw that in myself when I started coming to my senses. This is about manipulation and control. That's why he would make you start, then make you stop, then make you start up again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, and then there is the danger of you getting used to the situation and getting stuck. Women in abusive situations do not realize it for a long time. They always make excuses.

Why do your friends think he is manipulative? Are they basing it on your opinions of him ? Or do they base it on something else ?

IC -individual counseling


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

sandc said:


> He's probably a caring guy with a manipulative side. I saw that in myself when I started coming to my senses. This is about manipulation and control. That's why he would make you start, then make you stop, then make you start up again.


This makes the most sense to me. It's like it's HIS show. He wants to control it. Like he's writing a script, or something. He would honestly tell me exactly what to say to OM. Word for word. I never followed him on that, though. He drove me CRAZY when he got that controlling. Or he'd ask me to tell him word for word the conversations we'd had. I honestly wouldn't even remember them word for word and he'd get frustrated by that. Give me a break. I'd say, "Do you want me to bring a tape recorder next time?" This was before me and OM even began a physical relationship. Anyway, yeah. I felt like a puppet at times, which pissed me off. But then again, I'd think, "Well, he IS allowing me to be with another man. I guess I HAVE to play it his way." Ugh. What a twisted mess. I can't do that anymore. PERIOD. The whole fallacy with this cuckolding thing is that it's SUPPOSED to be a play-time thing for husband and wife. It's supposed to be just for them. The OM is just a piece of meat used for enjoyment. In reality, though, or at least my reality, an emotional relationship develops and the wife is caught between two loyalties. Two men she cares for, and she's screwing both of them over to a degree. It's sick. She has to make her husband FEEL like it only "belongs" to her and her husband, but the truth is, the moment belongs to the wife and OM. The husband ends up being thrown the best bone the wife can find just so he'll let her keep doing it. And then he pushes her to go back out and do it again. 

Anyway, yeah. I hesitate to call my husband "controlling", but he definitely is at least a little bit controlling. The house is in his name. He controls all the money, even though I have a very generous allowance. He used to pick my vehicles for me, until this year I finally put my foot down and purchased my own vehicle in my own name. I've always felt like I need to win his approval with every little thing I do. He's not a jerk about it, he just knows how to bring a very heavy, authoritative air to the room without saying a word. Plus he's much older than me. So these are the issues we need to try to overcome.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

In fact, this all started when I quit a job I loved because he pressured me into being a stay at home mom. I have nothing against stay at home moms, but my job's hours were usually only during the time my son was in school, so to me, it was the same thing. Not to him. I quit to try to make him happy, and ended up completely bored. My replacement didn't work out, and my boss begged me to come back three months later. I came in "temporarily" at first, but then decided to stay permanently. That was right about the time my feelings for OM started getting out of control. Yes, I work with him. I know that's going to be a big problem, but I can schedule my work around his schedule to avoid him 95% of the time. The more I am reading what you guys are writing, though, I'm thinking that I really need to figure out how to never see him at all anymore. All of his best friends are my husband's family members, too. This is not as easy as just deleting him from my address book.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I think a big part of this problem is you and your husband have a vertical relationship instead of a horizontal one. He needs to understand you are his partner, not his subordinate. Again, counseling.

I like the way you opened up in the posts above. Good stuff.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

sandc said:


> I think a big part of this problem is you and your husband have a vertical relationship instead of a horizontal one. He needs to understand you are his partner, not his subordinate. Again, counseling.
> 
> I like the way you opened up in the posts above. Good stuff.


Thanks. That's exactly what I have expressed to him this year. I have always felt like he is above me. He can do no wrong, and I am the one that needs to do all the changing. He is listening and working on that. 

With OM, it was a more balanced relationship. We were on the same level and respected each other's intelligence and stupidity equally. He really appreciated every little thing I did for him, too. He was thrilled when I made him a sandwich on some outings we went on. He loved that I wanted to help him when he was cooking for me.

With my husband, I always feel like no matter how much I do, it's not enough or I'm not doing it right. Even when I do things right, he's only satisfied, not happy. Maybe that's not entirely fair. He expresses happiness sometimes, but that's generally how I have felt. 

He's trying to be better, though. I guess I was just craving a relationship where I felt equal. I was addicted to how easy it seemed to make OM happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

We are all guilty of taking our spouse for granted. What are you taking for granted about your husband? What is he doing right? 

When we're dating we're all on our best behavior. That's why OM seems so nice and appreciative. Wasn't your husband appreciative of you when you were dating? As time passes we forget to appreciate each other. You both need to learn to do that again.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Of course your husband is manipulative nad controling. All his actions scream control.
The other side of the coin is your poor boundaries. You never was able to protect yourself, you didn't respect you enough, you never put your foot down when necessary. You allowed him to be "above" you, you didn't demand to be an equal partner.
Then you displayed another set of bad boundaires with OM. 
With time you got lost.
Find again you core values, stick to them, respect yourself so you can demand others respect you. Including your husband. If him, or eveyone else, doesn't respect you you get rid of them. But you need first choose self respect.

A day at a time.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

I see that now. I haven't had enough respect for myself or confidence in myself to stick to my own beliefs. I should have put my foot down when this whole thing started, but I trusted my husband over my own self. I didn't want him to be unhappy with me. 

I was talking to a friend today when I was feeling a relapse coming on. She said I need to focus on me first. Not my marriage, not OM. Even if it was true that OM and I are meant to be together, my drug-like addiction to him is unhealthy and will only leave me disappointed as reality begins. Maybe my marriage is toxic, also. But she said I can only know it when I find a way to make myself happy without my happiness being dependent on someone else. 

I was also thinking how unfair it was to OM. He just got divorced. He's vulnerable and lonely. This isn't healthy for him, either, and if I really love him, I'll leave him alone to let him find a healthy relationship. I do really love him, and I don't want to be his "drug buddy". I'm sure that's what his parents would want me to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

SandyLady80 said:


> The whole fallacy with this cuckolding thing is that it's SUPPOSED to be a play-time thing for husband and wife. It's supposed to be just for them. The OM is just a piece of meat used for enjoyment. *In reality, though, or at least my reality, an emotional relationship develops* and the wife is caught between two loyalties.


Always. Even if different guys are used, like a string of ONS stunt d!cks as opposed to a regular bull, it's just a matter of time until you hit that perfect chemical match and the marriage is over. It may take years, but eventually it happens. Seen it.

Not to mention that every time the H allows it to happen, he has another episode of demonstrating lower sexual value and the W eventually develops total contempt for the H. It's all SOP in the real world, as opposed to beat off fantasies.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SandyLady80 said:


> What's IC? I've been seeing a therapist for three months, and me and my husband are (supposedly) planning on attending couple's therapy. I hear what you're saying. I have two close friends that have been through similar problems with their husbands (one's divorced, the other still married). They have really expressed the idea that my husband has seriously manipulative tendencies. I know that friends can really be unfairly biased, though, especially if they've experienced the kind of manipulation that they are perceiving. I'm trying not to just jump on the "He's a bastard!" wagon, but at the same time, I'm paying closer attention to what he does and says and who he really is. He really knows how to TELL me how important I am, and how important our marriage is. He knows how to make me feel guilty about all this without sounding angry or argumentative. He comes off as a genuine, caring guy. But he has also shown me his manipulative side, and I'm really trying to figure out now who he really is.


Unless his 'caring side' is just a front that he uses to get what he wants?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

since you gave up exclusitivity in your marriage, it may very well not be strong enough to mend anyway. 
There is healthy controlling, and unhealthy controlling. unhealthy controlling is when someone asks you to do things that are not in your best interests on a regular basis, and for personal gain. There is nothing wrong with being submissive. My wife is a total submissive. But of course she is my most prized possession. i wouldnt treat my most prized possession so cheaply. And why want to own something, only to give it to someone else? why take something so valuable and treat it so poorly?
Careful who you submit to. They need to be worthy of that submission and have your best interests in consideration.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Always. Even if different guys are used, like a string of ONS stunt d!cks as opposed to a regular bull, it's just a matter of time until you hit that perfect chemical match and the marriage is over. It may take years, but eventually it happens. Seen it.
> 
> Not to mention that every time the H allows it to happen, he has another episode of demonstrating lower sexual value and the W eventually develops total contempt for the H. It's all SOP in the real world, as opposed to beat off fantasies.


Wow. Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I fell in love with the first one. I never felt cheap with OM. We truly had feelings for each other, and now that's it's ended like this, I will never never play with this again. I'll leave him before I'll play with this again.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

I'm feeling so torn up this morning. Last night I kept looking at my husband and wondering why I was with him. Not because it was bad, but because I feel totally numb.

I didn't cry all afternoon and evening because I went into a weird denial. Like I don't really believe that I've really ended it. I keep thinking of the next time we're going to be together as if nothing has changed.

Maybe it will re-hit me when I purposefully avoid him or a part of my routine is noticeably different.

When the hurt pops up, I can feel something push it back down. Like it won't let me see that it's really over. It says, "Just wait it out a little bit and things will be 'back to normal'". 

This is a really hard commitment to make, but I have to keep reminding myself that I truly wasn't happy the way things were. I had moments of happiness, but I was truly miserable. I have to change it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> In fact, this all started when I quit a job I loved because he pressured me into being a stay at home mom. I have nothing against stay at home moms, but my job's hours were usually only during the time my son was in school, so to me, it was the same thing. Not to him. I quit to try to make him happy, and ended up completely bored. My replacement didn't work out, and my boss begged me to come back three months later. I came in "temporarily" at first, but then decided to stay permanently. That was right about the time my feelings for OM started getting out of control. Yes, I work with him. I know that's going to be a big problem, but I can schedule my work around his schedule to avoid him 95% of the time. The more I am reading what you guys are writing, though, I'm thinking that I really need to figure out how to never see him at all anymore. All of his best friends are my husband's family members, too. This is not as easy as just deleting him from my address book.


Wow, removing your financial independence so that you become reliant on him over time. The initial allowance will be generous but it will become worse as time goes on. You will have to take his permission and approval for everything and gradually the power dynamic shifts. Like you mentioned, you already feel like a subordinate. That is one of the most common acts of controlling behavior. Making the wife(or partner) become completely dependent on them financially and socially(He wanted you to be a SAHM too, right ?)


And you got with at when you are around 22-23. Could he have groomed you into this role you are in today ?


I've asked this question before but why do your friends have a bad opinion about him ?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> And you got with at when you are around 22-23. Could he have *groomed you* into this role you are in today ?


Back in the Hyborian Age, when I was about 23, I was invited to bull a co-worker, although I never heard that term used. I was supposed to be the first guy she got to pick for herself. Her husband had picked all the previous guys, and he was older, just like OP's husband. He had started up with her at about 20 when she was malleable, but women can be any age when they start. They just get tired of being pestered about it all the time and finally give in. It's all a manifestation of control. Modern society is strange indeed.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Wow, removing your financial independence so that you become reliant on him over time. The initial allowance will be generous but it will become worse as time goes on. You will have to take his permission and approval for everything and gradually the power dynamic shifts. Like you mentioned, you already feel like a subordinate. That is one of the most common acts of controlling behavior. Making the wife(or partner) become completely dependent on them financially and socially(He wanted you to be a SAHM too, right ?)
> 
> 
> And you got with at when you are around 22-23. Could he have groomed you into this role you are in today ?
> ...


Yes, I think he definitely groomed me. I don't think that was his whole focus and motivation for being with me. I think he had good intentions, but he allowed this element to run rampant at times. It was very destructive and hurtful the way that he would manipulate me with it. I think the older and more confident I get, the less we fit together. I'm not sure if we can overcome that, but we are starting couple's therapy next week.

My two friends that I have confided in both have (or have had) husbands that have the same fetish. One friend was controlled, micro-managed and spied-on by her husband. The other is not, but she WAS severely controlled and emotionally abused by her first husband. So both of these friends have a chip on their shoulder about how controlling men can be. I appreciate their wisdom, but I also take it with a grain of salt. They just see similarities between their husbands and mine. 

That definitely opens my eyes to the ways that I have been controlled and manipulated, but I still strive to not blind myself one way or the other. I'm trying to be fair and see him for who he really is.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Sounds like some kind of Stepford wives community. How did you meet you H ? What was your attraction to him initially ?


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Sounds like some kind of Stepford wives community. How did you meet you H ? What was your attraction to him initially ?


We met on the internet. I had been a single mom for four years and hadn't dated at all the whole time. He was only my second boyfriend, or kiss for that matter. I was tired of the loneliness, and finally convinced myself that the internet, with all of it's risks and uncertainties, was worth a try. I put my profile up, stating that I wasn't looking for someone to "party with" or "have fun with", but that I was looking for a long-term relationship. I was looking for someone to commit to. Yes, it was probably a pretty scary profile for a lot of guys, but my husband responded the next day. He was intrigued by my blunt proposal for a serious, committed relationship and we hit it off really well with our hours-long instant message conversations. We met a month later, and that was that. He was the only guy I chatted with that I actually met in person.

He took me out to bars. He took me on motorcycle rides. He took me to New York and Vegas. He showed me how to drink. I'd never had alcohol before! Lol. He had a big house and he embraced my son. It was all a dream come true.

It took him two and half years to propose, but I patiently waited, knowing that that was all I wanted in life. I'd be happy and content forever if he would just marry me. 

That was almost eight years ago. How times change. Everything seemed so simple then, but I didn't even know myself yet. I had no idea that life could become so complicated. Hmmmm. 

I suppose I was hungry for someone to come into my life and guide me. Be careful what you wish for.


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