# Oh boy...



## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

Oh boy, there is a sexual problem forum to! Ok so my prob is me & my fiance ( I'm 25 he is 30) we rarely ever have sex. We used to often until he had to have a major surgery & now has to take pain medication. Our probs vary, usually being when we can have sex he doesnt last longer then a minute & I'm left hanging (which makes me so, so mad), or he can't get an erection, or every now and then he can't get where he needs to. It causes alot of frustration in our relationship b/c when he can't get an erection or can't reach his happy place I feel as though he isnt attracted to me, & then when we do have sex & I'm left hanging I get mad because he does nothing to help me out & goes to sleep satisfied with me staying up ill. Any suggestions...


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Time for a serious evaluation. Do you want this to be the rest of your life story? Not married and I assume no kids. If you aren't completely convinced that this problem is fixed before marriage then now is the best time to cut your losses.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Whoa...wait. You're still having sex with this man-child? Or trying anyways...

It's not you, it's him. He's got his mommy to do his laundry, cook his meals, and make his bed. He's got you for sex when he feels like it. 

Again, you need to seriously consider leaving him and never looking back.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

I know that sex shouldn't be an actual factor into it, that there are more important things but....
we havent been able to have sex since he proposed & I was very happy because he had....my problem began today with him over the failure to discuss the wedding
there are just so many problems..


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

<3LoVe<3 said:


> I know that sex shouldn't be an actual factor into it, that there are more important things but....
> we havent been able to have sex since he proposed & I was very happy because he had....my problem began today with him over the failure to discuss the wedding
> there are just so many problems..


This guy is not for you. I read and responded to your last post. 
Looking for a new partner and starting over will be a great deal easier than having to deal with all the issues that are going to come up in your marriage over the long term. And sex in marriage is a big one. Look at all the threads and topics on the sex in marriage forum. It is very important. 

Why are you with this guy?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Sex is important. If you're not compatible now and he's got all those other issues, I don't see any benefit in trying to salvage this relationship. Convenience? History? Invested Hopes? Consider what else is out there...


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

I seem to be getting the same response on my problems....which is leave him asap & why are you with this guy. I have been dealing with these probs for a couple of years & I always try to put the blame on myself in someway....maybe because I want it to work because of how happy he makes my son & everything he has done to help my son with the probs I have faced for him. But it has taken it's toll on me & changed me to where I'm not who I used to be anymore. He has put the blame on me so much that even I doubt myself but everyone on here has the same opinions I had originally so I shouldve gone with my original instinct & saved myself heartache...thanks


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

<3LoVe<3 said:


> I seem to be getting the same response on my problems....which is leave him asap & why are you with this guy. I have been dealing with these probs for a couple of years & I always try to put the blame on myself in someway....maybe because I want it to work because of how happy *he makes my son & everything he has done to help my son with the probs I have faced for him*. But it has taken it's toll on me & changed me to where I'm not who I used to be anymore. He has put the blame on me so much that even I doubt myself but everyone on here has the same opinions I had originally so I shouldve gone with my original instinct & saved myself heartache...thanks


This was the biggest attraction my wife had with me...how awesome her son and I got along.
She saw how I was a secure and for sure father figure for her son and used that as her attraction towards me. Things were great the first few years. 
After he had grown up and moved out of the house, my wife and I had to reconnect...as I felt there was little to no intimacy. This was because my wife's love language had shifted from her son's needs to her needs. From her perspective, I wasn't satisfying her needs, so in return my needs were not being satisfied either.

All I know is that if I couldn't make a positive change in our relationship where we had weekly enjoyable sex, I was going to end the marriage, as I was not too happy with going years of just being slightly above what is considered sexless. My wife realized what was at stake and opted to change to make our marriage work. Without that change, I was ready to move on and so should you.

It wasn't just her that needed a change...much of that was up to me.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

The guy is on medication people!!! Is this a permanent thing? Was sex good prior to him being on these meds? Have you talked to him about this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

bryane said:


> The guy is on medication people!!! Is this a permanent thing? Was sex good prior to him being on these meds? Have you talked to him about this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right! This may excuse his inability to perform/enjoy it however, it does not excuse him not wanting to pleasure her. Who knows? Maybe doing so would help him too.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

The medication is a permanent thing due to arthritis & other probs from a wreck when he was a child. Sex was great until he had his fusion surgery a few years back & now well.....he knows, I have voiced it very openly, he has attempted to pleasure me when he is unable to "perform" but I'm not able to get into it unless he is able to get pleasure also. I've just been denying him it b/c even though I know it's because of medicine, a part of me feels like it is b/c he is not attracted to me (not b/c of anything he has done but due to my previous relationship & emotional abuse never goes away....)


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

<3LoVe<3 said:


> The medication is a permanent thing due to arthritis & other probs from a wreck when he was a child. Sex was great until he had his fusion surgery a few years back & now well.....he knows, I have voiced it very openly, he has attempted to pleasure me when he is unable to "perform" but I'm not able to get into it unless he is able to get pleasure also. I've just been denying him it b/c even though I know it's because of medicine, a part of me feels like it is b/c he is not attracted to me (not b/c of anything he has done but due to my previous relationship & emotional abuse never goes away....)


The medicine won't affect his tongue. Tell to be a man or you will bail!


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I went through this with my own wife for a couple of years. I too also thought I was going to be on medication for the rest of my life at a certain point I started to abuse these medications needless to say once I realized how badly I started to abuse them I quit takimg them all together. Opiates can influence your behavior in many ways as I'm sure you are aware. I know personally that I did many things and acted many ways that I would normally never act. I too had many of the same problems in the bedroom. I was very embarrassed and ashamed of these things. Living on pain medication for the rest of your life is not a way to live. Everyone has to come to their own conclusion about this however personally speaking I would much rather deal with the pain and have mental clarity then be the person that I had become. This is affected my marriage negatively in so many ways, those medications not only numb physical pain but they numb you both emotionally and mentally as well. I would see if there's any other sort of treatment available for him and encourage him to try to get off of these medications. Once I stopped taking these medications it was like someone flipped a switch and within 30 days everything came back to me. Sexually I was myself, emotionally and mentally I had clarity again. It was as if I was living for the last five years with everything muted and I didn't even realize it. Regardless I wish you the best of luck, this is something he is going to have to come to terms with on his own. I know my wife and many friends tried to tell me that I was not myself, however it wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I was able to see everything for what it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

That was when ALL of our problems started also. We had a wonderful relationship until his surgery & got put on pain medicine & then he changed. I try so hard to be understanding but I get so frustrated. I worked at a detox center so I am well aware of the side affects & that is why I have stuck by his side for 3 & a half years with the affects of medication. But I have also asked him to get help to get off of medication because I miss the old him....it helps to know someone who has been through the same & made it through with a good out come so thank you for sharing


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

That's my pleasure, I would hate to hear about somebody losing the most important person in the world to them because I know I am very close to loosing my wife. We are still separated and I might still loose her and that would kill me inside. It took realizing that and seeing all the destruction I caused during the times I was medicated to wake me up. Had I been cognizant of what I was doing I would have NEVER allowed myself to sink so low. The doctors don't realize what's happening, they want to help their patients. They want to cure the pain, however they are not living with their patients. They don't recognize the behavior changes. My wife struggled with my suffering as well, she knew something was wrong however she didn't want to see me in pain either so she held it in for the most part. I wish I would have listened, I wish that she could have forced me into some sort of treatment. I'm filled with remorse and sorrow that I allowed myself to become so out of control. I see things now so differently. Hopefully you and your partner will be able to figure this out. 

If there is one piece of advice I can give you. Don't internalize your feelings, don't put walls or harbor resentment. He is not himself, nor does he probably realize what he is doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Painkiller adddiction is a death sentence to relationships.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Have him give you oral first until you orgasm, then see what can be done to get him in the mood more, longer, etc.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Love, If I may respond. I utilize these meds in order to function day to day. Serious spine trauma and nerve damage. I continue to work, take care of dad duties and husband. The side effects are what they are. I am on the lowest dose, for me which might be high for some. I function okay. I say that to say this. It is very important to me to make sure her needs are met on a regular basis as best I know how.

Communication, its easy. There have been a few times. So I know that might be an issue I make sure she gets her tapout before I do or both at the same time. Because I care about her and like to make her happy. For me she is important. If your guy knows about the side effects as you do, then he would do that for you. He either doesn't care, is selfish or just flat oblivious. IMHO.


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