# would you tell spouse dating during separation?



## jumanji (Aug 25, 2012)

Hi 

We had a trial separation which he then decided wasn't working and wanted to separate where we could see other people. He did say the door was not completely closed. As it's so recent we're still sorting out bills so i know the phone total is big which means a lot of talk time. I did ask him in passing who he was talking to so much and he just said it wasn't anyone important but wouldn't elaborate, got a bit weird and cut the conversation short so it seems as if it's a girlfriend or at least someone he's getting very close to.

Would you tell your separated spouse if you were dating? Would you expect to be told? How would you react if your spouse asked etc?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"We had a trial separation which he then decided wasn't working and *wanted to separate where we could see other people*."

He already told you that he's seeing someone else. It's 99% that he was seeing her before he suggested an open marriage. 99% that he was cheating when you were living together. The purpoes of separations are very often so the cheating spouse and have an excuse to openly cheat.

Yes even if you are separated you are still married. So yes you have now agreed to an open marriage.

What exactly is a trial separation? A way to cake eat.. he keeps both you and his affair partner.

Why did you agree to him seeing someone else? 

He's easing himself out the marriage and moving someone else into his life. 

My suggestion is that you tell him that either the two of you move back in together NOW, he ends all contact with her and the two of you work on reconciliation .... or you are filing for divorce.

Why would you allow your spouse to cheat?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Jumanji,

Is there a reason for the separation?


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## jumanji (Aug 25, 2012)

I didn't have a lot of choice in the matter-I should probably also have said that here there's a mandatory 12 month separation period prior to filing for divorce. 

it certainly is seeming that the other person was there in the background-don't think he was actually seeing her as he wouldn't have time but do think he had developed an interest as looking back all the red flags were there- everything i did being wrong, all blame being directed at me and he started accusing me of being unfaithful when i absolutely hadn't etc. Think he just went through the trial separation as a process to try and get past the guilt so he could think to himself he'd done all he could!!


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## jumanji (Aug 25, 2012)

synthetic-we'd been going through a rough patch and he said he felt the spark had gone. The old chestnut of "I love you but i'm not in love with you".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried to find out who this other person is? You can use the phone number to do that. Knowing who she could tell you a lot.

Then find out what you can about her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm separated, and have been for over 18 months. I've been seeing someone for almost all that time. There has been no talk of reconciliation from either of us.

My STBXW doesn't know I'm seeing anyone. Nothing good can come of it, as far as I'm concerned. I feel that if she knew I was seeing someone, it would turn our amicable separation nasty. 

As far as lieing... This summer I was at my son's baseball tournament with my daughter. And I was texting both my STBXW and my GF to let them know what was going on. And of course, I sent my STBXW an "I love you" message intended for my GF. So I lied about it. Said it was intended for my daughter, and I was expressing my thanks for her hanging out with me all day. My STBXW later asked me if there was someone else, and again I denied it.

In some ways, I'd like to be able to tell her, and get it out in the open. But I probably won't until the divorce is finalized. There's just no point to it. But in my case, there's nobody talking about a possibility of getting back together. And if she asked me about that, I'd be honest.

C


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Because of the 12 months mandatory separation, the best way to react to your husband's selfishness is to hit him with a lawyer drafted separation agreement. Don't confront him about his dating. He doesn't deserve to see you in agony.

How strong do you feel these days? You're not indicating much about your feelings. It's a very hard process and there are ways to cope. Are you attending counseling? 

You need to cut all contact with your husband.


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## jumanji (Aug 25, 2012)

The separation is as amicable as it can be-we don't have kids so there's no complication there and our finances are pretty straightforward as well. 

I wouldn't want to know too much about her but I do think it would help me if I knew he was dating as I'd at least realise that for him there's no going back and it might help my mind get to grips with the fact it's really over. At the moment I'm in a kind of limbo where I know that if I date then it closes the door on the reconciliation I'm hoping for-if he's already dating then he's closed that door himself so at least I'd know that. At the moment his things are still here and we still see each other occasionally so the hope is still there. I keep asking him to take it but he keeps putting it off-I suspect more because he doesn't need it at the moment rather than that he's keeping a link here. Also, if it is someone who's been around for a while it would shed some light on the last 6 months or so where he has blamed everything on me and even managed to twist anything he's done wrong round to make it my fault. I'd read something that said if you want to show someone you're sorry for something then agree with how they're feeling...so somehow like an idiot I've just spent the last few months beating myself up while at the same time helping him ease his conscience for leaving!! Don't get me wrong-I played my part and I accept responsiblity for that but so did he!!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'm separated, and have been for over 18 months. I've been seeing someone for almost all that time. There has been no talk of reconciliation from either of us.
> 
> My STBXW doesn't know I'm seeing anyone. Nothing good can come of it, as far as I'm concerned. I feel that if she knew I was seeing someone, it would turn our amicable separation nasty.
> 
> ...


Jumanji,
This is exactly why you should wait till after the divorce. Where in the hell is our integrity? I'm not even going to state the obvious reasons why we should wait. Sorry PBear.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

jumanji said:


> The separation is as amicable as it can be-we don't have kids so there's no complication there and our finances are pretty straightforward as well.
> 
> I wouldn't want to know too much about her but I do think it would help me if I knew he was dating as I'd at least realise that for him there's no going back and it might help my mind get to grips with the fact it's really over. At the moment I'm in a kind of limbo where I know that if I date then it closes the door on the reconciliation I'm hoping for-if he's already dating then he's closed that door himself so at least I'd know that. At the moment his things are still here and we still see each other occasionally so the hope is still there. I keep asking him to take it but he keeps putting it off-I suspect more because he doesn't need it at the moment rather than that he's keeping a link here. Also, if it is someone who's been around for a while it would shed some light on the last 6 months or so where he has blamed everything on me and even managed to twist anything he's done wrong round to make it my fault. I'd read something that said if you want to show someone you're sorry for something then agree with how they're feeling...so somehow like an idiot I've just spent the last few months beating myself up while at the same time helping him ease his conscience for leaving!! Don't get me wrong-I played my part and I accept responsiblity for that but so did he!!


Jumanji,
Ok. Screw it. Here's my take on why you should wait till AFTER a divorce.

The hardest thing for you right now is being able to let go. My marriage unraveled when my EX-wife had multiple affairs and I tried everything to keep the marriage together in the midst of the ongoing affair. After the affair died, she moved in with her cousin which was supposed to be temporary so she can work on herself and asked if while we were separated we could see other people. I said that's not a good idea. If separation is intended to help you either begin to work on you marriage or leave it, you shouldn't get involved with someone else because it's pretty damn obvious: the person you are dating is just a distraction and you're not focused on your marriage! 
Once I learned she was dating other people without having the BALLS to tell me, I ended it and said I wanted a divorce. In hindsight, I feel she was too much of a coward to ask for divorce after all she had done and didn't want to look like the ultimate bad girl to her family. But it didn't matter, she still is in everyone's eyes. And another thing, I am absolutely proud I did not get involved with other people during this hard time. And I didn't suck in someone's feelings and heart and put it at such a huge risk during a turbulent time. That's called being selfish and weak. Even now that I've been divorced for 4 months, I've been focused on trying to work on myself so when I do start seriously dating, I will be ready and not string someone along. Having integrity goes a long ways in helping you heal. Do the right thing Jumanji. You know what the right thing to do is. Now it's just a matter of doing it. You'll know when you are ready.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Jumanji,
> This is exactly why you should wait till after the divorce. Where in the hell is our integrity? I'm not even going to state the obvious reasons why we should wait. Sorry PBear.


No worries, you're entitled to your opinion. But my marriage was over long before I left, and I've had absolutely no second thoughts about reconciling. I don't feel any guilt for what I'm doing, even though I'm obviously trying to avoid a lot of drama. I do care about my STBXW as a friend, and would try to avoid hurting her if I can. But at the same time, I'm moving on in y life, and my happiness is important too.

To be perfectly honest, I read posts in here about people starting to date immediately after a quickie divorce. While they might be morally in a better place (although the government recognizes our status as "separated"), I doubt they're in a much better place emotionally.

But again, to each their own. I was just responding to the OP, who was asking about if/why someone might lie about seeing someone when they're separated. Btw, I would also expect a common reason for lying is for someone to protect their backup plan. Not burning their bridge, etc. 

C


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Not sure how it's done in Canada, but if I'm dating someone else then why remain married? What's the point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Not sure how it's done in Canada, but if I'm dating someone else then why remain married? What's the point?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mandatory 1 year separation period.

C


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Damn that sucks. But still. It's been 18 months. So what are you waiting for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Damn that sucks. But still. It's been 18 months. So what are you waiting for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing, any more. Financial as much as anything, I guess... I talked to one lawyer, he wanted a $3500 retainer @ $350/hour, and all that will be coming out of my pocket. The right solution obviously is to investigate other options. But getting the divorce kicked off hasn't been a priority because we worked out the separation issues, and there's been no conflicts that a formal divorce will solve. But in the interests of everyone, I should try to get things cleared up by the end of the year.

C


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## jumanji (Aug 25, 2012)

Thanks for the replies all.

I'll try one last time to find out if he's seeing someone and then if he doesn't give me an answer one way or the other I'll just accept that he's not going to tell me. It hurts that he's moved on so quickly -think that's all tied in with the fact that he's blaming me entirely for the split so is either deliberately doing things he knows will hurt me or he doesn't even consider my feelings. Either way it's clear he's shut the door so hopefully that will help me accept the split. Not going to date for a while as need to get used to the idea first and I'm just not ready at the moment. Maybe for him it's easier as he's been away from the home and gradually eased away whereas i was still hoping we'd sort things out!

PBear-you had some really good points-I definitely think there's an element that he can't see what good would come from me knowing and also of not wanting to burn bridges in case he does find his feelings change in the future!


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

My STBXH and I have been separated since April. We've both said it's ok if the other one is seeing someone (although I'm not sure either of us believes it). A week ago from today I woke up to a wonderful message of facebook from a girl claiming to be dating him for the last 2 months. She said that he told her he's already divorced (for a year) but that she had just found out (not sure how) that he was actually still married. It wasn't hard to figure out that that had been seeing each other but he broke it off and the best way she could deal with her hurt and anger was to message his wife. The next day he told me that this random chick was crazy and wouldn't leave him alone. I said "so that's the one who messaged me?" And just like old times, he came clean only because he knew she had outed him. Honestly I don't care if he's "dating". What I do care about it the lying which is a big reason for we are getting divorced. For the love of god, just stop lying! It would have been nice to hear it from him first that he was seeing someone but at the sametime, I don't really want it rubbed in my face either. And I sure the hell don't want her (anyone) around my children unless it's really serious.


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