# Ladies Advice - Restoring Sexual PAssion !



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I would love to hear advice from some women on my
recent posts about my marriage and how to restore 
sex and what I can do to which could cause change.

Perhaps just look up my username and my latest 
post . That would be great if I can get some women 
advice . Especially those between 45-50 ,, Thanks !


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I will tell you its so hard to be positive . So I sit here on the sofa as my wife just went to sleep. Im like 
hmm staying your distance is supposed to bring you closer and I guess that creates desire when your 
partner isn't there ...

I know your supposed to look as if your having fun, but what do you do by yourself without thinking 
about the person that you married hasn't been interested or has several issues come up all of the time.

I mean I guess the fact that she is concerned and shared that her period came more then a week 
early and she has to see a doctor or something because that is not normal. Before I said well I support 
you go ahead and go, your health is definitely important . This has happened at least 10 times with no 
follow through .. When she says it next do I respond : Well you said that the last 10 times - so I am not 
sure why you keep telling me because I suggested for your health you get it checked for you to know 
what is going on - why do you keep telling me about this - if you don't really want to go - do you care 
about your health ? Im confused ..Would that be a good response ?

Today I got bold and walked through the bathroom naked with a hard on which i normally never do .
I figured I also need to open up, Just like in Yoga I did the class with my shirt off and i felt so much 
better and i felt confident too thinking - I do look so good - I need to open up and be more free .

This past week I took yoga twice . I also went to get adjusted and I am trying to create space for me 
to work on things without others around me . I actually left the office for most of the day and worked 
from coffee bean and found myself much more in peace that wasn't being distracted every 5 minutes.

I am tired of hearing excuses and minutia so I am focusing on being productive....

Its definitely a challenge with trying to distance myself from the hoping and staying close to my wife 
and doing things for her . I wish I had someone to pull me through all of this as a guardian angel ..LOL..

Its such a challenge . Also because I am not having sex I am trying to work out more. This past week 
I went to the beach walked on my hands and climbed ropes to do things that make me feel good as 
family watched. In fact after I was done I guess my wife was inspired and thought she should see the 
chiro that I saw because of how much better i was feeling ..HA HA 

But on the sexual side of not having sex and working out and in Yoga with so many energetic young 
vibrant people I start getting turned on desiring to want sex, so I just am trying to pleasure myself 
for now to take the edge off .... What else can I do ... Its been pretty dry here ..LOL..

I don't even remember the last time we had sex to be honest. Thats not cool at all...I definitely 
need to break this pattern. 

I have looked for help and I keep getting different answers, its definitely not something where you 
can trust your heart if what you have done and isn't working but you keep doing it over and over 
then that is called INSANITY ! 

If anyone can share their experience turning things around . Perhaps my biggest concern is distancing 
myself from my wife and staying away - And then how to best respond to her wondering what is wrong 
with me - why am I acting different - perhaps I did try this before but when she asked me why I have an
attitude or why I seem so distant I probably responded incorrectly - discussing lack of us spending time 
together and suggestions of setting a schedule for us time which felt like complaining and pressure to her .

And when she wanted to just give me hand jobs the last few times when I asked for sex she asked why 
I couldn't be happy with what I was getting vs what I wasn't getting or the sex I wasn't having ..The 
hand jobs feel good and she did get into them bit I felt as if they were just to satisfy me for my sexual 
desire and yet still am clueless why we were having sex vs her giving me a massage with her hands ..

When I ask -to do something in return she would just say she already feels good and she doesn't need 
a massage or to have sex to feel good.. very weird , I do know she has had some issues with her period,
pains and other things going on , its just become a habit ... Sometimes she would explain and many times
she wouldn't want to go into her issues or answer ..

Any women or men felt like I do and do this distance thing or give your wife or husband space and things 
worked out fine . I think the hard thing is drawing the boundary and separating the needs since I am the 
one allowing her to get her way and have things be good for her yet when it comes to me its an issue for 
her to deal with it or work on improving it ..

Share any experience anyone has had in my shoes. Its so much easier to say things then execute on them.
It'd definitely hard with a 6 year old who's an angel and when all else seems normal except all the love making,
sex and intimacy seemed to have take a back seat to work, responsibilities and sleep ...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Now that second post was pretty gross. Were you drunk or just got done watching porn when you wrote it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happybuddha said:


> Today I got bold and walked through the bathroom naked with a hard on which i normally never do .


I don't think that this is going to help you help you in any way.


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

I think you have to sit your wife down and have an honest talk with her about how you are feeling. Tell her that you want a fulfilling sexual relationship with her. Tell her that while you enjoy hand jobs, they are not enough and you want more. Ask her why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Tell her that if there is a physical reason she needs to go and see the doctor about it. 

I'm taking it that she hasn't been to the doctor about her health problems at all? 

You are entitled to want to have sex with your wife and you are entitled to not be satisfied with hand jobs alone. I think you should tell her that you want to work on this issue with her, but that if she isn't willing to even try to face up to the fact that the two of you have a problem, that you have to reconsider the relationship. 

If she doesn't want to have sex with you any more that is her prerogative, but she can't expect you to stay in a sexless marriage.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Just a thought…..try asking men who have been in your shoes and turned it around successfully….then follow their advice.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

You used "restoring" so I am going to make the assumption that there once was. I have been really hesitant to reply to your many posts on this subject. I don't want to hurt your feelings. But I would like to help. So I will try to be gentle.

You aren't sexy. Take your handle.

Happy Buddha - Buy a Replica Happy Buddha from Museum Store Company

Is this how you think of yourself? That is the image that is portrayed. Do you portray that image to your wife?

You are needy. Needy is not sexy. Stop talking at her. If you have to talk to her about this, be direct and honest. Stop with the doctor nagging. Stop with the needing guardian angels monologue in your head. If you talk to her, be simple and honest. I did not sign up for a sexless marriage, so I find myself unhappy with where it is. You don't seem to care about my happiness so I will go take care of my happiness.

Then 180. Work on being your best self. Work out. It sounds like you already started, but don't forget weights. Get strong, physically and mentally. Practice Mindfulness for mental and emotional strength.

If she asks what is wrong, why are you different. Tell her. I am working on me to be happy.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Somanylemons said:


> I think you have to sit your wife down and have an honest talk with her about how you are feeling. Tell her that you want a fulfilling sexual relationship with her. Tell her that while you enjoy hand jobs, they are not enough and you want more. Ask her why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Tell her that if there is a physical reason she needs to go and see the doctor about it.
> 
> I'm taking it that she hasn't been to the doctor about her health problems at all?
> 
> ...



I would not do that just yet. You are entitled to WANT to have sex with your wife, yes, but she is entitled to NOT WANT to have sex with you. 

Create attraction.

Make her want you. 

What do women want? Not neediness. Not their man to need to have a "talk"-- that is a woman's job. Now women might SAY they respect a man who would open up, but truth is it would not create attraction and make them likely to desire you suddenly. That is insecurity and extremely unattractive.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

YEP, I replied to Private Message .. Yes Men definitely don't want to be insulted all of the time 
thats rich and positive - LOL .. Was trying to do something tonight and all my wife did was 
chew me apart about what I shouldn't be doing when I was trying to help I stated I wanted
to get stuff done and her response was so you think I don't work and i am sitting on my 
ass all day and your the only one that works .. Which I never said and don't believe ...
So then after that she goes to sleep while I work on the computer. She was on the computer 
when i got out from putting my daughter to sleep which I do 7 days a week usually - 
and when I come out at 830 or 9 pm she is on computer working until 1030 on her laptop 
and at 1030 she goes to bed and , some nights we watch tv from 930-11 and she does to sleep
but hey I am not needy ... just giving her space .. she seems to just find things to get upset 
about no matter what she is attracted to negative issues ... she always has a judgement 
and an opinion about everything ...even if I tag onto something she says to our daughter 
she even gets upset at that when I just trying to explain to our 5 year old why something 
is a certain way...LOL...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Do what Anon1111 (search his long post) did... give her an ultimatum... if things don't change within a specific time-frame, you'll walk out... then carry on doing your own thing... she might respond, she might not... what do you have to lose?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

The problem is that she senses you hovering for sex, and that's not sexy. Stop it.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I am not hovering ..what does that mean..hovering on Saturday between 9 pm and 1040pm...on our date night after dinner ...that's the only hover time over last 5 months...all other nights for last 3 to 4 weeks. .I'm not hovering just being there for my wife with no expectations of sex...or intimacy from her ....is that hovering ...?

Hovering sounds very blatant and needy..trust me we are so busy I don't feel there is hovering ....

perhaps she's in hibernation ? Long sleep mode ..oh yeah..and if I have sexual..needs as being married now I just make myself happy in the shower or a few hours later after she's sleeping ...that's all I can do..so a husband shouldn't hover ...and what does he do if he has a desire for sex..?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

You need to sit down with your wife and tell her "honey, I love you but I want passionate sex with you at least once or twice a week. If this does not happen, I cannot stay in this marriage. Let's work on this together."

she may cry, scream or run away. Makes no difference. You need to be SOLID on this and then work for a solution.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

It's probably easier said then done and truthfully if your talking to an imbalanced person..are they really going to respond from love or from chemical response ?

I did do this before and the result is..I have changed and sex...isn't as important to me or I have issues I'm dealing with or I feel tired or your pressuring me...just because we are married doesn't entitle you to sex..maybe we should take a break and get separated ....that is the wacky responses I get and last week..your my best friend and Illove you ...it's like a bi.polar..Rollercoaster


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Man

Today seems tough...my wife is always busy working especially at night.i guess 
if you want find a way to focus on work
you can and if you wanted to focus on your husband you could do that too...

there is always a choice on what you can do with your time ...sometimes I can be positive all of the time ..and today the more work she asks me to do the more I get upset because I feel as if I'm good for.
work and doing things only...not anything else that I want. ..just giving her space though to give her space to think...and see when she has a desire to go after me ...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You could try reading the thread under Sex in Marriage:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...t-hold-me-while-i-read-book.html#post11017161

That might give you some insight into your own marriage.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If only life was as simple as filling in the dots.

First characterize the issue and develop one or more hypotheses:

- resentment 
- too busy
- stressed
- depressed
- physical health
- mental health (other than depression)
- culture
- mistrust
- upbringing
- other

Now this may sound like a laundry list but they don't award us college degrees for nothing do they 

I suggest a single and simple sort of sh!t test as a screening. Take a few days off even a weekend without children and do something romantic incl hotel etc. Don't pressure her but give it a good try. If she goes along then use it as an opening. If she refuses to go or does the same as at home that's your answer.

Think of it as Romance Triage.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

The last 2 days I have reflected on who I am being .I asked myself why am I getting sucked..into anyone else's energy and lack of energy ...where did I go. ...today I thought about the 100s$..of thousands per year I have generated and what I have accomplished ..and I thought why am I settling for scraps and sex..that is marginal. .besides giving wife space I have decided I will let her initiate ..and give as much as she gives because she feels pressure ...

I also thought if she wants to have sex...I will only do so..of she can handle real sex vs...some 10 minutes at 1030 ...to make sure we have quality sex...vs an excuse for sex..I need to not need her ...and focus on what I enjoy..why settle for less.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

grow a set.... stop wasting your life on this woman there are millions find one thats ovulating and do what you need to do


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

grow a set.... stop wasting your life on this woman there are millions find one thats ovulating and do what you need to do

RESPONSE: This seems like an easy out with a family and kids I have more compassion then leaving people who could 
need health balancing and have issues. There is a reason for everything and I am trying to do whats right as well


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I sit here thinking about my marriage and situation. I ask myself when you want to have fun with your spouse and 
all they do is complain what do you do ? What do you do when they lie next to you asleep hibernating under the 
covers and they seem depressed and left alone ? What do you do when your in your 40's and they act as if they are 70 ?

I am having such a hard time "not"thinking about what has happened to my wife. Shes like Jekyl and hide. She sometimes 
is nice and some times she says insulting things to me.

How do I deal with all of this and be positive if its really on my mind a lot. I am giving my wife space. We have not had any sex 
for a few months time now. Like 3 months and to be honest her behavior is now turning me off. She is walking around the house 
either concerned about work or looking like an old lady with the same thing on every night .. and the similar pattern.

Every time I have tried to sit down and have a civil conversation with her during the day at lunch or at night its ended in 
her telling me she feels pressure. Everything seems to be pressure to her - not just me . I tell her how I feel and and ask
her whats going on, how I can support her and how I can help her .. We have had discussions once every 3-4 months for 
about 2 years now. I have suggested we work on this together which she says she doesnt want to right now. When I have 
asked about scheduling time for sex and us being initimate her reaction is crazy - saying you can not schedule that if you 
do not feel like having sex ...and suggestions from her have been - ( because of her feel pressure ) is find someone else 
to have sex with ( i know this is not what she wants ) , perhaps we should take a break for a while and get seperated,
or pure avoidance of this..

Then as time goes on - she starts realizing she is feeling bad, tired and feeling like there is something going on with her.
When I gave her space she starts examining her behavior, When sex comes around or we have this conversation it 
becomes that I act weird around sex and some her sarcasm and projecting blame on me for sex and us having it,
she is saying that I am not entitled to it just because we are married ....or she will say I have issues around it ....
when i have asked her to share with me at other discussions - am i bad in sex or is it that your not attracted to me 
anymore, she says neither..

Just last week she said I am her best friend and that i look great that I am in better shape than I have ever been.
She is so back and forth that I am so confused on what to do with her and myself. I have gotten some counseling 
coaching and etc, and they all say you need to get your wife to come with you or get her to a doctor.

from a woman's perspective - if your husband cared for you - and suggested you go to the doctor for your 
best interest why would you talk to him crazy or feel pressure from him - when he is trying to help you unless 
your sick. And as a husband how the hell do you react to your wife constantly telling you they feel pressure.

Why is it that I have one conversation - every 4 months, and to her that conversation seems like 5 times 
per day and every day - perhaps its because she is thinking about it on her own without me even saying anything .

How do I clear the space and stay positive when inside its really getting to me ? I am trying to stay busy , 
I am working out and now we are spending less time apart and now when she is working at night I am 
staying busy so I am not needy and getting my own stuff done and really just avoiding her.

I wouldnt mind having sex if she really was into it. I just dont want to settle for my only time every 3 months 
being when she is tired at 10 pm at night when it short and we go to sleep. If i have sex with my wife. I want 
real sex, to have sex for an hour or more, to really have sex.. because we rarely have it - I want the whole 
meal with appetizer, 3 course meal and desert and all.. I dont want leftovers from what she has left to give me.

Why should I settle for less and being last in the lines of priorities ? Why ? If we do have sex next time 
I perhaps should have so much sex during that time that we are exhausted and sore from sex. and instead 
of just doing the same old vanilla sex in the same position - perhaps I need to switch it up.

I guess you can say I am confused and half crazy at this point. My wife wants to spend her time with me 
for work, talking , emotional support - yet no sex, I am married to my wife yet I am not entitled to sex 
just because.. she wants a break because of the pressure and her stating she has no time to herself 
and yet she wants me to sit next to her watch , tv and cuddle ... yet no sex.. She knows she is tired 
and talks about seeing a doctor but she doesnt go...I hate the fact that things are like this for me but 
I also dont want to be mean and disrespectful to her issues ( health / depression etc ) and i have a 
daughter .. So I seem to be trapped.

There must be another way to deal with this besides the ways I have tried that have not worked for me.
Talking has not worked, scheduling appointment for her has not worked, calling doctors for her has not 
worked, talking to the trainer who suggested she see doctor has not worked, me trying to initiate every 
day has not worked... and I even think me giving her space and time to herself doesnt work much either 
beacuse the more time she has she seems to use it on busy stuff she has to get done or sleeping. In 
my opinion even sleeping for her doesnt work. She can go to sleep at 9 pM and wake up at 7 am and still she is 
tired and not rested, her taking a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day doesnt work . 

Its driving me nuts. Some of you have given me advice which I have taken. I think its a cop out of responsibilities 
to say to her - I am contacting a lawyer or I am moving out until things change. I feel like the pressure whether 
it be health or mental she is under would just put her into a weird spin - and she would probably never get out .

I dont know. I think me focusing on productive things is helpful for me to do . Me being energtic, keep working 
out and finding things that make me happy. The biggest issue I guess is all this working out is raising my 
libido and i see soo many vibrant, positive and healthy people in Yoga and the gym that i want my sex life 
back too, yet i want to solve my marriage - I feel like I am doing lots of work yet she is not wanting to 
deal with any of this stuff ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

What possible reason from HER motivational perspective would she have to do ANYTHING different. You keep doing the same things. You keep blabbing at her. I am not sure what advice you have supposedly taken. But it is not what you need to do. 180. You a whiney baby. Stop talking at her. Stop letting her take all this blah blah support and giving you nothing. Stop letting her treat you. 

To answer this


> Why *should I settle* for less and being last in the lines of priorities ? Why ?


You shouldn't. But for some reason, you do.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

P.S. I am not trying to attack you, just shake you up in case it helps you wake up a little.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I havent spoken with her for about 3-4 weeks now just so you know. 
I was just reviewing what I did for the last few years. Over the last 2 months 
i haven't discussed anything with her at all and I am keeping my space its.
Its hard when you have NEEDS to fulfill and desires that you have in your mind 

I have been trying to get lost in all the things that I need to do ..Perhaps I need
to respond to her requesting lunch of metopes as sorry I have work to do to get done.
I wish I could , and perhaps instead of us going out for the saturday dinner date night 
I should suggest we save money from the babysitter and she can go out on her own 
or get some rest - if she is tired ..LOL

I am not whining at all, I am not expressing my desires, I am not even initiating with 
her or talking about sex or intimacy . Just keeping it all to myself and if I have an urge 
I am just taking a shower or spending time with ME , take a walk or get something DONE or finished for me


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> I havent spoken with her for about 3-4 weeks now just so you know.
> I was just reviewing what I did for the last few years. Over the last 2 months
> i haven't discussed anything with her at all and I am keeping my space its.


For the last several YEARS that is all you have done. She does not need space. Space give her exactly what SHE wants at the expense of what YOU want.




> Its hard when you have NEEDS to fulfill and desires that you have in your mind
> 
> *I have been trying to get lost* in all the things that I need to do


Why? To avoid? I hate to say this. Weak and needy. Seriously I am not trying to be mean. But you are unwilling to face the issue head on. And given that unwillingness NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. So you have a choice. Do something different. Or spend the rest of your life writing miserable posts here.


180. <---- Read that again. You gloss RIIIGGHT over it every time you see it. SEE it.



> ..Perhaps I need
> to respond to her requesting lunch of metopes as sorry I have work to do to get done.
> I wish I could , and perhaps instead of us going out for the saturday dinner date night
> 
> ...


What do you think SHE hears?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

What does she hear and I just sent you a PM 
I guess I do need to review the 180..list ..


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

This one right. So I need to do 100% of this list ?
This is helpful in change ?

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> This one right. So I need to do 100% of this list ?
> This is helpful in change ?
> 
> https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


That would be a lovely start.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

The 180



Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.

This list is titled “The 180″ and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.

I remember when I first heard about the concept of the 180. I actually thought it was a really stupid idea. I was so codependent and wrapped up in him that it felt like the completely wrong thing to do. I thought I would be pushing him away, putting on a façade when I was asking for more honesty and openness, and making myself seem cold-hearted. Now I understand that the 180 is not about that. It’s about protecting yourself. It’s about finding yourself. It’s about enjoying who you are without the other person. It’s about not getting sucked into unnecessary drama. These are all healthy steps no matter if you ultimately stay together or go your own ways.

So here, it is without further ado:

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I hate to tell you this but the 180 has a limited applicability area. Your wife being a hardcore case will likely appreciate the "space" provided by the 180...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Why is it that I found out two people this week have become separated in their marriage.
Its amazing that two people who made a promise for a life together don't see working together on 
improvement is part of the deal. Its funny because people get that if they don't work out or 
go through a growth period of being uncomfortable they won't get into shape and feel better
yet why are so many people ok with an out of shape overweight marriage and two people 
should want to work on having a better life and better experience of life.

Its beyond me why a couple would not. We are here for such short of a time 
that living the best way possible should be part of a fundamental. When two people 
have to play games and ignore each other and live a life filled with excuses why they 
can't work on things then how is that even growing to a better place.

I mean lets face it, if you don't learn from the person your with and try and 
improve with that relationship - won't you end up repeating the pattern. I know 
I am 200% open to working on my life and improving it - yet why do some people 
avoid working on something that in the run is much better for them and their health.

Hmm, think about this, be happy get married, now think on your own, don't 
connect, having you not connecting be ok with yourself, fall into a unhealthy state
and instead of getting healthy just disconnect more and blame your partner for 
where you are even though you never did a darn thing to work on improving your 
own relationship with your self or your partner and instead of getting in better 
health and better shape - QUIT ... because quitting is much easier than learning 
and growing ... Impressive how most people operate in a relationship - amazing to me
that is how things go ...

If you are working hard to bring you and your partner closer and your partner 
does not want to participate - does that mean they never wanted to be married to 
start with or they have just become lazy..maybe they never liked having an orgasm
being held, feeling good and having great sex.. perhaps is mental all of it ..?

Maybe they have subconciously sabatoged their own relationship and happiness ?

Just a thought ...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Two people that I know...in my life .
very interesting


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

HB there is one thing that I am having a hard time understanding. You keep talking about restoring sex. Your wife is badly ill. Are you concerned about that FOR HER? Or just as it relates to getting you sex?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ya know, happybuddah, after reading your rambling posts and how defensive you are, I think the problem is you and not your wife.

I suggest working on you and see if she responds to that.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I have suggested that she go to the doctor. She is at the gym working out right now and works out with a trainer.
I get what you are saying and I have been concerned about her health much more then wanting sex to be honest.

I guess sex isn't the number one priority if we have not had it for 4 months ? I have had more discussions about 
her energy, her being tired and seeing a doctor .. That is pressure as well to her for me to press the issue. She seems
to like coming up with her own solutions and option but I guess they haven't been convenient . I have told her that 
she is important to me and our daughter and that her being healthy is more important that anything else....

Sure I guess all of this could be my fault - but I have been working on myself a lot . You probably have no idea
what exactly I do to help her , for her and how patient I have been in all of this. I have been talking with many 
specialists on my side and again - many suggest that she needs to do the work, see a doctor and have an interest
in all of this.

Probably the best guy someone could ever meet, I am sensitive, supportive, patient and all.. Perhaps my rambling here
is out of frustration - again I have been the one communicating all of this to her since 3 years ago - so I guess perhaps 
I coming off frustrated and upset - I am one that wants to always make the most out of life...I think if you read the 
responses and this forum - most guys would have bailed and not dealt with any of this. I know health is very important
when you have someone you love attack you and not want to move towards becoming closer it does hurt. Something 
as private, vulnerable and humbling a conversation as sex takes courage to communicate and then when you do - the 
person you love says - it seems you need sex to feel love or connected , in a way that makes you feel like your a freak
its kind of hard to deal with ...

Again all of the sex , intimate connection such as intercourse, oral sex, adventurous sex, used to 
happen with us and I was 30 lbs heavier , now I am in the best shapr of our lives we make money 
and control our own time - and its all disappeared I think life events for us and her health have 
impacted this as well as periomenopause and her getting to 48 years of age and years ago her 
losing her parents.. 

I don't have many friends where I respect their advice on relationships. Perhaps I need to find 
some more friends vs. being on here. Perhaps this more of a journal or vent for me to get it 
all out ... I guess its a way to share what I really feel.. I think have been considerate in dealing 
with all of this. I know I am an awesome guy ! I want to have an awesome life - but if overtime
you tried to show affection to your wife she moved away or said give me space - perhaps you 
would not be happy either , and perhaps if you worked out 5 times a week, ate super healthy 
organic food - your libido would be in high gear and you would feel turned on as i do....

Now that I do feel turned on - I guess I don't want to make myself feel good I want to 
expand that pleasure and grow together on a connected - intimate level of energy !


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> Sure I guess all of this could be my fault


Fault is irrelevant. Fault is about pointing fingers. Fault is not about solutions.



> - but I have been working on myself a lot . You probably have no idea
> what exactly I do to *help her , for her and how patient I have been in all of this*. I have been talking with many
> specialists on my side and again - many suggest that she needs to do the work, see a doctor and have an interest
> in all of this.
> ...


Do you read ANY of the posts about attractiveness? Any of them AT ALL? That Aint It. That might be "nice" and lovable. But it is not hot. You say you read MMSLP. How can you continue to think sensitive and supportive is hot?




> Perhaps my rambling here
> is out of frustration - again I have been the one communicating all of this to her since 3 years ago - so I guess perhaps
> I coming off frustrated and upset -


You sure are here. It is hard to imagine you don't at home.




> I am one that wants to always make the most out of life...I think if you read the
> responses and this forum - most guys would have bailed and not dealt with any of this.


So WHAT? How does that make you attractive to your wife? How does that NOT make you a total door mat without limits or boundaries?




> I know health is very important
> when you have someone you love attack you and not want to move towards becoming closer it does hurt.


K here it is. Yes it hurts. Life hurts. Get over it and man up. Not because a guy "should" or everything is a guys' "fault". But because YOU want a change. And that is what has a chance of actually working. Continuing to whine here will not do ANYTHING. 

It's like people on here are giving you information, and you are doing your DAMDEST to NOT GET IT. You come off on here are Harvey Milqutoast. You talk and talk and talk at your wife. Nobody can really get hot for someone who lets them walk all over them.




> Something
> as private, vulnerable and humbling a conversation as sex takes courage to communicate and then when you do - the
> person you love says - it seems you need sex to feel love or connected , in a way that makes you feel like your a freak
> its kind of hard to deal with ...



Alrighty. Good luck with that.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Morcoll said:


> I would not do that just yet. You are entitled to WANT to have sex with your wife, yes, but she is entitled to NOT WANT to have sex with you.
> 
> Create attraction.
> 
> ...


Can't agree more with the bolded part.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I guess instead of sharing my feelings on here I should review the 200 different pieces of advice and reread the books. Probably time to spend time by myself reviewing all of this ..


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

To be honest, I have tried reading your posts, and I think I would feel pressured by you as well. You're all talk talk talk (to her I mean, as you've mentioned you're always wanting to 'discuss' the why's etc with her). The neediness would severely turn me off.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Look, that probably sounded pretty bad. I'm not trying to put you down, but it's all just a bit too much of a sob story/ego trip.

When DH had issues with our infrequent sex life, which happened partly because I'm LD, partly because I had some rough births, he didn't pitch me the whole, "What can I do to fix this?" line. Don't get me wrong, I tried to tell him it was his fault; "I need more romance", "I'm tired", "I don't feel loved enough". He saw right through all the BS and this is basically what he told me:

Get your sh*t together.

So I did. If he'd sat down with me to have deep and meaningful, heart to hearts, we'd still be talking about it, and oh my f*cking god that would bore me to death.


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## Luxey (Jun 5, 2015)

happybuddha said:


> I guess instead of sharing my feelings on here I should review the 200 different pieces of advice and reread the books. Probably time to spend time by myself reviewing all of this ..


After reading all of your posts you sound kind of effeminate to me. Not saying you are, but that's the _read_ I get from you. Maybe your wife gets that vibe too and it's a total turn off? Whatever it is, whining in her general direction isn't working. Tell her straight out what you need from the marriage: sex X amount of times a week, that you refuse to live in a sexless marriage. And mean it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Luxey said:


> After reading all of your posts you sound kind of effeminate to me. Not saying you are, but that's the _read_ I get from you. Maybe your wife gets that vibe too and it's a total turn off? Whatever it is, whining in her general direction isn't working. Tell her straight out what you need from the marriage: sex X amount of times a week, that you refuse to live in a sexless marriage. And mean it.



Given the business arrangement they have that's not going to fly very far. 

Start by putting the business on the market...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Ok. Thanks for clarifying . We may discuss this one time every 4 months. I guess that's great advice . . . . Get your ****..together.
your right perhaps when she shares how she feels instead of me listening about her feeling tired or her crazy talk..about how certain religious groups are doing weird evil and bad things ...I should just tell her ..

get your **** together ..or why are we talking about stuff that has nothing to do with our lives ..getting better .


perhaps I need to stop listening to her and tell her that I feel like she's chewing off my ear with a bunch of negative subjects that frankly I don't want to waste my life talking about...

I guess I should just do what makes me happy ..to be honest ..I don't walk around needy and I get **** done ...perhaps I'm sharing all my inner stories on here...

listen I'm quite a mover and shaker when it's comes to getting things done and results for my family and I am a leader ..

perhaps around her excuses I am being too nice and sensitive to her excuses ..maybe I need to be abrupt and say ..**** you've been talking about seeing a doctor and how you feel for 2 to 3 years at this point you need to get your **** together instead of dragging your assistance around with constant excuses ..because it's starting to sound pathetic and it's a huge turn off...

I guess maybe I need to be less sensitive and more abrupt with her stuff..crap..I don't complain about **** ...I just have a desire to love my wife and miss the passion ...

I guess if I wanted to show I don't need her I could find some new friends to go out with and get out of the house even more than working out 3 times a week for trainer ..yoga and boxing ..and stay super busy training and doing things that are fun vs. Watching her fall asleep at 9 pm at night or sleep in late or work...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Or you could take some of the advice that has been given. Read Marduk and MEM.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Or you can find out why she's doing what she's doing first - then worry about actions.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Yes. So I will stop talking and review all advice here to see what works


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I feel for you. I could go through all the stuff that worked for us to get through to me, but I think you need to find your own path.

Two things to remind yourself: *you can't fix all her woes* and *she has the responsibility to work on your marriage too*

Maybe the first step is changing your perspective, and from there, everything else will flow.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Breeze.

thanks for that . It be great if you let me know what are some of the things that have worked for you...

I appreciate it.

Thank you ..


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, I'll write it down as best I can. Just remember, you asked. 

First, my thoughts on LD people, if in fact your wife is LD.

HD people have needs:
*I am tired, I need to sleep
*I am hungry, I need to eat
*I am horny, I need sex

LD people don't have that last one anywhere near as much. Imagine not feeling hunger more than once a month or more. Would you remember to eat? In the middle of the hustle and bustle of life, all this other stuff going on, no feelings of hunger (and for some miraculous reason, you don't die from lack of food). Why would you eat at all? Because you enjoy it, but it actually has to be a decision you make, but let's be realistic, if you didn't have hunger, you'd eat a lot less often than someone who did. So how do you make a LD person *decide* to have sex? 

I don't know if the things DH did are necessarily the *best* approaches, but they eventually pushed me to become more involved in finding a workable solution.

Here's a picture of my mindset during our sexual drought:
*I feel so tired and run down most of the time, I don't know how to fix this and I lack hope that it is actually fixable. I'd rather sleep.
*I don't feel horny so why should I have sex
*If DH did more to help me I wouldn't feel so run down so I'd feel more loved
*If DH made more effort to make me feel loved, I'd naturally become more interested in sex

So we'd cruise along for a while and DH would gradually become more testy and impatient as time went on. He'd withdraw affection and as he used to be quite affectionate, I'd feel a widening gap come between us. I'd tell him he wasn't being loving, that we had some major issues between us and our marriage was going down the toilet. He'd tell me we had ONE problem, and that problem was a lack of sex. I'd pull out all these reasons for why we didn't have sex, as I saw the lack of sex as a *symptom* while he saw it as the root *cause*.

Ultimately, that's why most of our communication during that time was of no help. Though note our conversations just seemed to go around in circles.

Me: "I don't feel loved"
Him: "I'm sexually frustrated"
Me: "If you made me feel more loved, maybe we'd have more sex"
Him: "There'll always be a reason for you NOT to have sex, no matter what I do, and since affection makes me want more sex, I'm not going to be affectionate"
Me: well, I tried to debate that, but he was right, there was always a reason

I'm extremely stubborn sometimes (okay, maybe more than sometimes). I didn't want to change. Things got gradually worse between us. We'd have sex very irregularly. I tried, but I didn't feel the love for him like we did when we first dated (i.e. I didn't have that desire to please him as much as I used to. I had other things on my mind). He became rather resentful. He completely stopped initiating, and that made it even worse, but he told me it was completely up to me. His sexual frustration during this time was insane because he also refused to masturbate (TMI I know, sorry). I could literally SEE the effect of a lack of sex on his body. Still, I struggled with the idea that sex was the answer because I didn't feel desire.

I came to this forum and people told me to read His Needs, Her Needs. Someone even suggested, "Getting the Love You Want" (which I loved, but was more of a book for ongoing and long-term improvement in marriage). For that particular issue, HNHN helped a great deal. I realised that DH had different needs, and sex was top of his list.

Up until that point, I saw my lack of desire as a symptom of DH not meeting my needs. The fact is, I'm just LD, always was, always will be. That's who I am. No amount of him washing dishes and vacuuming floors or buying me flowers was going to change it. Don't get me wrong though, the less barriers there are, the easier it is for me.

So I decided to start meeting DH's need, while discarding my long list of requirements for sex (that makes it sound like it was so easy), and see if this magically started to make our marriage better. Initially, I couldn't have sex as much as he wanted to if I also had to meet his requirement of me enjoying it, so I helped him out in other ways, and he was happy with that (I know you mentioned your wife gives HJs, so she's trying. Maybe BJs would fulfill you more though). Don't get me wrong, I was responsive once we started, but initiating was, and still is, difficult for me. Especially when he left it completely up to me for years after I started to try to change. He certainly didn't believe in making things easy.

He stopped being such an arsehole to me. I dragged him away from his other hobbies that he'd let take over his spare time and we're a work in progress. Now, we don't argue over sex. We may not always have it as much as he would like, but he knows he doesn't have to convince me of the importance of it, but just remind me from time to time.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

That helps me..however you were interested in improving your relationship. .you read books and sought out to improve. 

I am probably similar to him in some if his actions and yet...I think the huge difference is you wanting to make the relationship better ...

what do you suggest when my wife can't get to a forum or even read a book? 

Love to hear your thoughts ..


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That's where your vision of the marriage you want is different. This is where the book, "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix comes into play.

After reading the book, the very first exercise he asks you to do is called "Your Relationship Vision". I won't write it out, but I think all couples should do it. You both need to have some sort of idea of what you want out of your marriage, what's important to you?

For example:

Have fun together
Are each other's best friends
Sexually faithful
Rewarding careers
Financially secure
Both great parents
Communicate easily
Have satisfying and wonderful sex often

You need to know what you both want out of your marriage. Then you work together to get a mutual relationship vision, based on both your lists.

DH didn't read the book, only I did, but he did the exercise with me. We worked on our marriage much the same way that I'm currently working on our business plan. What do I want, when do I want it, how am I going to achieve it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Ok, that was a really girly sort of response, but since I'm a girl, I can't help myself.

From DH's perspective, he's convinced it's that "arseholes get laid, nice guys don't". I just can't wrap my head around that idea, and he's wrong in some respects. When he was being an arsehole, I felt no attraction to him whatsoever. HOWEVER, I always respected his honesty. After a while, he stopped playing nice when he wasn't feeling nice. He wasn't feeling nice because he was feeling frustrated. He didn't *try* to be short with me, it just naturally came about. If I wanted my happy go lucky hubby back, I had to start relieving some of his frustration. He made that abundantly clear.

Most guys just won't ever get to this point because they all relieve their own frustrations. DH is firmly of the belief that we're married, so his sexual relief is my job, lol (gosh, he really is an arse sometimes).


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Perhaps my perspective is broken or my expectations.

This book: Getting the Love You Want"
If I bring up a book or some list of what we want in 
marriage then perhaps my wife things I am trying to fix things.

Whats crazy is we have had discussions about marriage and what each of us wants.
Yet somehow when she hears me she disconnected from really hearing it, and perhaps
when I share things with her she seems to turn it against me in times of conflict.

Perhaps I need to read it and then do an exercise with her however isn't that coming 
from a place of trying to fix something or solving things or identifying issues??


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Yes it is coming from the place of wanting to fix things. It's confusing isn't it. 

I've tried countless times in the past to explain it to men in this situation, but I don't think I've ever been able to convey it in a way that ignites that spark of understanding.

At the root of it I don't think any of you are being honest, and sometimes, only true honesty works. Honesty in every way. Actions, reactions, thoughts and feelings. E.g. a guy rubs his wife feet for hours, makes her dinner and buys her flowers after she's rejected him in bed for the last week, trying in vain to get her interested in sex. LIAR! Where's the honesty?! Where's the frustration?! All he's telling her is that rejecting him makes him try harder. She has all the power but feels none of the responsibility. Since she is the limiting factor in this situation, she naturally has the power, but a man needs to make her feel responsible for her choices. She chooses to ignore his needs, she needs to know there are consequences, and if she doesn't care? WTF is the point of the marriage to start with?

That thread I think I linked to earlier is an example. He went from struggling for a long time to deal with and change his wife's stance on sex in their marriage. For him, it came down to one thing: was he going to spend the rest of his life like this? He came to the conclusion that no, he wasn't prepared to do that, and he drew the line in the sand. Not sure how it's working out, but he decided what he could and couldn't live with, and he told her. DH never threatened to leave me. In fact, he told me he never would, but he told me I was the weak link, the limiting factor, that if I chose a miserable sexless marriage, that's exactly what I'd get. My line in the sand is a little different. I couldn't actually live forever in a miserable marriage, and I wanted my fairytale marriage, and he was the man I wanted it with.

Me explaining how we worked it out probably won't help you right now, but you can find out for yourself through your own research what you want to try, and either you'll succeed or you won't, but if you do fail, it's not the end of the world and you'll move on.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

breeze said:


> Most guys just won't ever get to this point because they all relieve their own frustrations. DH is firmly of the belief that we're married, so his sexual relief is my job, lol (gosh, he really is an arse sometimes).



Not quite.

Most of us in sexually dysfunctional marriages are not concerned with sex per se but rather with the deleterious effect of the lack of intimacy, overall emotional connection, and long term staying power of the marriage. 

And I don't think most of us are arrse holes either. Nor are we on the warpath for some skirt. The vast majority of people in non sexually dysfunctional marriages don't understand this part.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Thanks for the advice ..
guess i have a bunch of things to try..how did your husband deal with rejection ..

right now i really think my wife needs to see a doctor ..she was sick for a month with a cough ...and didn't want to go to doctor ..

She's constantly exhausted. .I have done as your husband..thought ..make life easier for her and and..help her with support ..

such as going grocery shopping every week. Picking daughter up from school ..and putting daughter to sleep every night to give her more time to herself ...

she's been very tired lately and it's apparent because of yawning and her falling asleep..she's told me she needs to see acupuncture person now for a while...last time I helped her make an appointment for someone she said she felt pressure ...

I have been straight with her about my needs like your husband ...yet hasn't worked ...

now today she has a leg hurting from working out and yesterday she was exhausted and tired she went to bed at 945 pm last night on date night and woke up at 10 am this am..after I made .you own breakfast for me and my daughter ...

her ailments and complaining about being exhausted or something bothering her are starting to numb me..where I don't feel as bad for her because it's always something with her that gets in the way of us..or just gives her another excuse to sleep..

a week ago her period came 10 days earlier but it's not like it matters because we have to had sex..for like 3 or 4 months..I can't remember ...

but them how do I deal with me being pumped up and angry around my needs having no importance to her ?reeze


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think focusing on the symptoms rather than the cause is where many go wrong. I think failing to identify what is a symptom and what is a cause is also a problem. Concerned that the marriage will deteriorate? Well of course it will; that's the whole point of wanting a spouse to understand your need isn't negotiable, that it was always there and always will be.

The problem isn't that people are arseholes or not arseholes, as a blanket statement about their personality. It's that people fail to show what they are feeling. Someone might be generally loving and considerate, but put them in a stressful situation and they become snappy and uninterested in others. If being sexually frustrated makes you arrogant, snarky and impatient (just using examples of a possible side effect) with your spouse, that's honest, as long as you tell them why you're struggling. If you're always just arrogant, snarky and impatient, well, that's different, and I'd have to wonder what on earth they were thinking when they said, "I do".

I don't think many women have a clue what's going on in the head of their man because what comes out of his mouth is in complete opposition to what he is doing.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

DH's resentment has followed us for years. I've just noticed lately that's it seems to have mostly faded away. It showed in our sex life mostly, where he'd refuse to initiate and even participate much sometimes (a starfish comes to mind). I wouldn't wish that on any woman trying to work on her marriage. I found it very difficult to deal with, and I called him on it, but I didn't give up because I knew there were valid reasons for it and he just needed a consistent effort from me and time in order to heal.

You're getting to your honest emotions about what is happening. You're angry, you're resentful, you're sick of being treated like you don't matter. You're fed up with her constant complaining and her apathy in regards to improving her health.

In my case, it took years to get to our lowest point and years to crawl back up from it. You seem to be getting near to your lowest point. What you have to ask yourself is, what will you do if nothing changes? I realise you want to save your marriage, but sometimes you have to actually accept your spouse may never change. Will you stay anyway or do you want more from life?

Stop fighting to stay above water for a moment and let yourself think. What will you do if she never changes?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's good to see an LD woman taking the necessary steps to fix the situation... I perfectly understand (well, at least now) the plight of LDers... in my experience - and as you said - regardless of what the man does, there is always an excuse... because there is no desire. So, you have to get into gear and decide you want sex. My wife is the same. She has to decide... she knows that I'd love to have more sex (once a week would be fine), but instead she can only get in the mood once a month... is this selfishness? I don't know. If she did, she would have a much happier husband. I've run out of ideas and options... and, to be honest, I've stopped caring...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

See its interesting dynamic that if I was having sex...and getting my needs met I'd be happier and more focused and motivated to do more and it would directly impact my wife in a positive way.

there would be more money and more progress for me . At the moment because she doesn't care about what i have communicated ..i am not sure if i am motivated to put in more time in working or our business because perhaps i am confused what i am working for here ..since she isn't making steps ..

perhaps i need to share from that perspective that i just am not extra motivated to work hard at our business because she's not willing to work on improving our relationship...

i mean it's definitely affecting me ..she talks about work and our business a lot because we have goals but what about what i have tale about over the last 2 to 3 years ..

perhaps the no sex...im.not entitled to sex conversation she has put out there along with suggesting i find someone else for sex..and suggested separation because of the so called pressure she feels ....has halted me in working harder and longer for something that has be questioning where she wants to head based on her conversation and resistance to improve the relationship...

hmmmm


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

So your wife would rather you had sex with other women or separate than have more sex with you. That's some definite commitment to NOT meeting your needs and NOT working towards a happy and successful marriage. If this isn't what you want from a marriage, you need to be very clear when she says that.

"You should just go screw other women"
"Just to be clear, that is not an option. If you want me to meet my needs elsewhere, I'll meet all my needs elsewhere because I never signed up for a fake marriage, I want the real thing. Unless you are handing me divorce papers, I NEVER want to hear that again."

You run a business together I take it? I wouldn't link sex directly to work. It is definitely linked to your marriage though, and if neither of you can see a future together (she's already talked about splitting, so we can see she's not planning for the long haul), how do you see the future of the business?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

there's clearly something terribly wrong there... my wife told me to get another woman too!  But I didn't want another woman... I wanted my wife! I later discovered that she hated sex, she got into a bad place because she felt "hounded"... I was only asking for sex twice a month...  But she got in her head that everything I did was to get sex. It wasn't true, obviously... she never told me at the time. So, I backed off, gave her space, detached... and now we are at once a month, if lucky... funnily enough, I don't miss sex that much. I guess I got past that stage. I miss the connection and the intimacy. They've gone... and they are not coming back.... I have accepted it, but I'm not staying here forever...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> Perhaps my perspective is broken or my expectations.
> 
> This book: Getting the Love You Want"
> *If I bring up a book or some list of what we want in
> marriage then perhaps my wife things I am trying to fix things.*



So I think what you are saying is that "If I bring up... then my wife *thinks* I am trying to fix things.

What is wrong with your wife thinking you want to fix things? Are you saying you are avoiding communicating to your wife your very real and very serious issue?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Breeze,

I have explained that having sex with someone else is not an option.
I told her that I want to have sex with her . I think when if a woman 
says this its more of a test.

What is vert strange to me is that some parts make sense to me 
based on her health ( possible issue ) and others don't make sense.
Its amazing to me how my wife is so motivated around responsible 
thinks like work and things for herself when it comes to doing something 
for her .. I mean she makes time to get laser hair removal, she makes 
time for her skin and things having to do with the appearance of her 
body. She makes time for working out every week even when she 
doesn't want to ..yet when it comes to us and initimacy for some reason 
she doesn't want to work on it as she does on her other things. Hey 
if she put 10% into educating herself about intimacy and marriage as 
she does researching skin products she wants to buy - id be a happy 
man...

I guess I do get jealous of all the time and energy in life that she 
doesn't invest in us. We went on a date and I have planned things 
in the past as we go to the BEST restaurants around our city and 
we do fun things. I scheduled time for reservations and made 
plans before for her to say well I don't feel like that - I'm tired
or perhaps I just got my period ...

This past weekend we went and walked on the beach and relaxed and 
hung out at a nice restaurant and hotel. While she was yawning telling 
me she is tired. Later she suggested that we plan something special 
vs driving to a restaurant and not having a plan.. When I have made 
plans they have all been judged or she wasn't into it ..

I do get angst every weekend to be honest because in my mind I 
have this thing in my head that says oh- your window of sex is 
only saturday between 930-1030 pm because every other time 
in the week she needs space..

She is an example of giving woman space in her life and time to herself 
and she still has no space or time to herself ... It becomes an illusion 
for her and confusing for me .. 

Last night she sat in front of her computer from 830 pm until 1030 pm
and she was reviewing getting insurance and other stuff online like yoga 
. She spends about 15 hours a week online between 8 pm -10 pm at 
night, sometimes work related and sometimes because she is convinced 
she is sitting down and having time to herself...

Definitely I can run the 180 with her an avoid her however I think she 
would appreciate being left alone. I have now stopped trying to give 
her kisses good bye and hugs because before she seemed out of place 
and uncomfortable with me doing so .,.. 

I will try and work on this book and see if I can make it FUN for us, perhaps 
I try 5 things to do as a couple for us to grow.
This past weekend she admitted it would be great to go away for 3 days with 
just the two of us and our daughter being taken care of by someone so we have 
time to ourselves.

I seem all revved up with working out and I really would love to fxxk my wife 
however with all of her issues and energy being low - she might not be able to 
handle me ..LOL... I also hate masterbating it is actually frustrating for me because 
I am married and we have time as a couple . Its not like we each work a job 
from 7 am - 10 pm at night ..we actually have lots of time...

I was thinking before if I made lots more money if that would take off stress 
but I don't feel that would solve things that seem fundamental to our marriage..

Its so weird because when I was 30 lbs heavier and made less money we had much 
more sex than now when we seem to be doing better ..


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

so what's this chick viagra in the news?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> Its so weird because when I was 30 lbs heavier and made less money we had much
> more sex than now when we seem to be doing better ..


Maybe part of why you seemed to be doing better was because your own perspective was a little different? Maybe you noticed less of the things that now annoy you.

I can understand your wife's need for space, everyone needs it, but every night? Really?

Part of why you are where you're at might be related to your tolerance for bad behaviour. That's understandable because it's not like you had a manual to tell you how to deal with everything that has come up in your marriage. DH was spending every night on his computer and it felt like we were growing further apart every single night. I have to admit that I made it *very* clear that it was not acceptable to me (I'm soooo glad we are no longer arguing over that. I was so sick of arguing). He eventually stopped. Now when I feel like hiding from everyone and everything, I might think of sitting on my laptop after the kids go to bed, but I don't because that is the time that DH and I always spend together. You can turn this around. You might have to fight about it, it might take some time. It took me a long time, but eventually he gave in, lol. I would feel bad for forcing him to do something, but it was for the greater good.

I actually think DH was less tolerant than you have been. When things were getting really tough for me, he didn't step in and take on my responsibilities (picking up the kids etc). At the time I felt like I was floundering sometimes. I look back and I do wish he had been more supportive, however, maybe I would've taken that for granted too.

In Absentia - I get that. I remember feeling extremely pressured too, even though DH didn't bring the subject up, it was always there, hovering over us because it was constantly unresolved. It's a shame you never got to the point of improvement that satisfied both of you. 

I don't understand the person who tells their partner to go off and find someone else to be intimate with. I can't relate to this person at all. Maybe this means I'm not the best person to help bring more understanding about their behaviour.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

The reactions she has which are extra my crazy perhaps are from hormnes. What is weird is i was more easy before ....and didn't have to set...any rules ....

It's weird now i even a feeling guilt that i want sex...I'm even asking if i am the one with an issue...am i bad because i want to be wanted...sexually... i want a blow job...and i want to have sex...? That the lack of sex....seems to be driving me a bit crazy..at the moment.....really...crazy....


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Just wanted to say that I have read through your other threads and can understand your plight.

I'm almost in the same boat but at least I have an official "depression" fall back that I can point to for my wife.

Other than that, I have realized that I am not as far ahead as I thought I was after NMMNG, MMSL, etc.

Yeah, I've improved a lot in many areas but there are some very important parts that I still need to work on. (Frame, etc).


Good luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

breeze said:


> I don't understand the person who tells their partner to go off and find someone else to be intimate with. I can't relate to this person at all. Maybe this means I'm not the best person to help bring more understanding about their behaviour.


No, it means they are at their wits end and want to be left alone because they can't cope... I understand that... a bit... :smile2:


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

breeze said:


> In Absentia - I get that. I remember feeling extremely pressured too, even though DH didn't bring the subject up, it was always there, hovering over us because it was constantly unresolved. It's a shame you never got to the point of improvement that satisfied both of you.


I believe she still feels the pressure... it's still there, after all these months of me backing off... our kids are away tonight, wife was off work, so ideal evening for some fun... but we won't have any. She dictates sex. She hasn't mentioned anything, so I'm sleeping in my office... don't want to raise my hopes too much. I'm not lying next to her hoping... just too painful.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Yep....I think I'm sick from thinking about all of this


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

How interesting this is


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Have you had any thoughts about the future if nothing changes in your marriage?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Breeze

I am having thoughts. For some reason this week a few days ago ( call it intuition or some voice) I got this hint that perhaps 
all of this drama and all of these issues are not mine. Why am I letting them influence me at all - its almost as like I am picking 
up these waves from people around me ..

I got this feeling that I need to let go from this monotony of trying to do so much. Its interesting how this dynamic plays a part 
into a relationship. 

My wife has had a bad week not only is she tired but now her legs are hurting and her back and we are having a slow 
business week and all of this seems to be weighing heavy on my wife a lot. She's really snappy for no reason and by 
me pulling back on some of things I have been doing she is now almost annoyed that I am not handling everything 

I seem to have gotten sick this week which never happens to me but 1 time every 2 years. I feel like doing nothing 
and kind of letting everything go because I just don't have the energy to deal with it , its very interesting to see what 
letting go can do .

I can tell she's stressed out but I am just letting it run its course and not trying to fix it for her. Its actually interesting 
because perhaps I need to let stuff go and not help so much yet now she is attacking me about some things that are 
both or our responsibilities or would not be issues if we communicated to each other. Instead of her communicating she 
brings them up and makes me be the person who is not responsible had I knows if she actually just talked to me ..

As far as sex and all that seems to be off the table. I don't know what to do except let things run their course at the time
because right now she seems at a breaking point where everything seems to be annoying her . I guess I could respond 
when she is stressed out that it could be menopause kicking in - however I am not sure if that would raise a question for 
her to look at things or just cause her to yell more.

This morning my daughter was saying to me that Mommy is just yelling at me for no reason whatsoever .. I just said she 
is not feeling well. She tends to get angry, start yelling or just want to be left on her own over the last few days .. 

Also I have noticed that I am playing the role or being the bread winner and that if I bring in money my wife seems 
to be happy, if I don't she is unhappy and stressed out and that is my fault. I don't think my wife has figured out that 
if I am not happy and getting my needs met , i am a bit less motivated to just serve the purpose of generating the 
money - because I want to be more than a dollar collector and chore doer... 

I seems to be doing a lot to take pressure off her but it seems like no matter what I do she always finds something 
that isn't the way she wants it .. I feel bad for her at the moment and I think she is in a spin or hormones and 
stress and she doesn't know how to deal with it all ...

If that answers the question, in a perfect world a great blow job and her ****ing my brains out once or twice a week would
motivate me much more to do more if she cared about the needs I seemed to have pushed aside for the last few years 
trying to be caring , patient and fair .. Perhaps I have some real hard decisions to make in order to change my future ..

getting yelled at , from her blaming me and constant pressure for me to perform on a work level is a bit 
agrravating to me if we don't have a basis for our marriage and intimacy ..


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Something has to change . I have been sick the last few days ..wife seems more concerned about business then me...

my daughter is starting to ask me why she's yelling at her for no reason and why Mommy is always upset at everyone ...

hopefully my wife figures this out soon...it's crazy how people loose touch with what's the most important ...

why one person has more value on fixing their car...vs...going to the doctor ...it's quite interesting what someone puts their values on....

my wife seems more concerned with a car or appearance than how she feels internally ..she can spend money on maintenence of a thing yet when it comes to health why does she avoid doing it.....

why does she place more value and urgency on how she looks on the outside with skin..and hair removal. .yet her being tired all of them time and not going to the doctor in 3 years ...why is that?

Why is work more important then our marriage and relationship....perhaps she's very driven for success and loses sight of wellness for material things ....very very interesting ....


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Breeze...not a good week for me...one of the worst..everything has seemed to have hit me all at once ...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It always gets worse before it gets better so they say, and I think I'd have to agree. Maybe it's for the best that you both hit rock bottom in order to see that this is not how you want to continue. 

Working together is a definite strain on a marriage. DH and I work and own a business together, so I know what it's like. Just remember that you aren't just working for her, but for you, for your child, for your retirement, for peace of mind, for food on the table, for the things you like to do, for the things you like to own. Don't get into this thought pattern that it's all for her so if she doesn't meet your needs, why should you bother. You know that's not right. It's a cop out. If you don't want to continue working, that's your choice, but don't place the blame for it on her.

I don't work for sex. DH doesn't work for sex. It shouldn't even be linked. Work is work. We work to make money to buy what we need/want. If you don't want to work as much, fair enough, just tell her you're going to be working less, so expect less money to come in. 

BUT, IMHO, DON'T link sex to work/income.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I get it . You are right ... They arent related . On a separate note there is no sex at the moment .. But for the positive my wife saw a doctor / chiro today and shes is moving now towards being well vs ignoring the stuff she shouldnt .. seems like everything is getting to her more now ...
and her temper has been very snappy and emotional ... shes got such a short fuse these days , its like walking on egg shells all of the time with her


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I know what you mean. Feels like I'm dealing with the same thing at the moment from DH. Very low point for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I miss having sex...and her wanting it...it's definitely nice having someone desire you..it definitely juices your day to fuller energy....


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