# Don't think my wife likes me much



## Yoni Zaken (Mar 30, 2017)

Hi 
So this is the story- I married my highshool sweetheart after college. I had known her for a long time and it was all great.....a month after we got hitched she decided to take a break from birthcontrol and only tell me a few days after.....she said it takes some time for her body to recover so she would not get pregnant ...this is of course Not true and she knew this because she is a biologist ! At the time I did not think of this and later when i did I just thought that she was afraid of losing me and wanted to make a bond less easy to break .this was no ok but we were married and I wanted kids. Any how life was ok and all that but we had two more kids and i don't really remember having a conversation were we decided together to have more kids. I love all my kids and i am not regeting having them. To be clear! The problem was that I could not seem to create a situation were my wife was not pregnant or planing to for us to move or but a new car ......I have not had money in the bank for all ten years of my marrage she always finds somthing to use it for. In that time I have given up my ambitions to become a therapist and have worked for my father as a construction worker for the last ten years.in that time i stayed home when somone was sick I took the kids to were they needed to go.....you get the idea. Recently i have started nursing school and for now I get a salary from my dad. So here is the problem in the last ten years my wife has lost all interest in acting like a couple I have tried everything, and i was once a romantic guy ,she complains now that we don't do things as a couple but shoots down all my ideas and won't think of any herself. She has also developed a kind of OCD lol state were she is veary negative and extremely paranoid. Bottom like my did is emotionally abusive towards me and I am at the end of my rope. I have gotten to the point were I just don't want to be around her. The reason I stay is because I have three kids that need me .
I have heard the whole theory that it is better for the kids if both parents are happy but the trama of a divorce is worse that a I happy father. The is with a not crazy partner . My wife has not done anything one thing that would make me say that it Is to much it's just a **** load of little soul crushing comments. She has had a few breakdowna the have made me loud the kids in the car to leave but nothing that would justifie me making a move. I almost wish she would atack me or somthing So I could justify leaving.
To sum it up : I stay for the kids first because we know how the famly justice system works and even if it went smoothly the kids would still be traumatised. So i wait ....it's just the it keeps getting harder..............


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Kind of sounds like how my problems first started. First off, stop doing things for her and start doing things for you. You probably haven't realized it yet, as most of us didn't at this point, but you've become so focused on making her happy and trying to fix your relationship that you lost who you are. You've become dependent on her and she has lost respect for you as a husband. Read the article "No More Mr. Nice Guy", reading your story I can almost guarantee it will hit home for you.

Stop communicating with her unless it's essential family stuff. If she asks you a question, answer it but that's it, no explanation just an answer. Take the kids places on the weekends and don't invite her, just tell her that you going wherever with the kids and go. If she asks if she can go, sure let her, but don't invite her. Find some hobbies and things to do to get you out of the house without her or the kids. You need to let her see that yes you want her to be a part of your life but you don't need her to be a part of your life. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and look up the "180" and start doing it now.

I started the 180 about a month ago, and yes there have been times I've slipped a little back to my old ways, but for the most part I have stuck with it. You wouldn't believe the difference I've seen since about after the first two weeks. There's been a major improvement in my wife's attitude towards me, my attitude towards myself and our relationship in general. It's not an easy thing to do but it does work.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm in the same situation to. It's too bad that we have to resort to things like the 180 to get our wives to act half way civil. I'm also waiting for the time it is most beneficial for me to get a divorce. I just don't want to be around her anymore. Take last night for example. I had flat tire on the way to work and the car couldn't be driven the way it was so I had to leave it at work. She had a conniption fit that I asked her to come get me at work after she was done at her job and was pissed at me the rest of the night. It's bull**** like that where she proves practically every fricking day she just is not willing to be a partner in our marriage that drives me crazy. She does the same thing to the kids to.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, I was going to say it's no wonder your wife doesn't like you, you've allowed her to walk all over you! @AtMyEnd just said it so eloquently. 

My last partner was a very VERY nice guy and it turned out terribly for us. I lost respect for him and the sex dried up, I mean reallll dry. It's difficult for a woman to have sex with/be nice to a man she doesn't respect.

After that experience I realized that as a woman, I need my partner to explicitly express his boundaries, and accept nothing less from me. I need him to disagree with me sometimes and stand up for what he believes/wants. I need him to say no sometimes. I accept that he is a provider, protector and procreator and I try to avoid attempting to fill these roles. So trying to boss him around and always get my way might please me in the moment but in the long run, will be terrible for our relationship.

To summarize, stop taking your wife's bs and be the man she really wants you to be but won't admit.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> To summarize, stop taking your wife's bs and be the man she really wants you to be but won't admit.


Not the man that she really wants him to be. He needs to be the man that HE wants to be. Once he takes his life back and regains who he once was, if she still wants him she'll let him know. And if not, it wasn't meant to be


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You should consider that half of the kids today have divorced parents and it is not that traumatizing anymore if handled correctly. Think about what you are doing to your kids by staying together. You are now their example of what marriage is and it certainly is not a loveless marriage devoid of intimacy or displays of affection. You are shaping their future lives by giving them a bad example of what a husband and mothers should be like. That is far worse than them going through a divorce and joining the rest of the kids from divorced parents at school. Kids can sense a problem at home and it will impact them negatively.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ending this toxic relationship would be a BLESSING for your kids. They would be FAR better off with separated parents who are HAPPY, and not with two people who so obviously can't stand being around each other as their example of what marriage looks like!!!!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Yoni Zaken;

you have gotten a lot of good advice to contemplate. I am going to give you some books that I think that you should read.

The first one is Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. A "Nice Guy" is a person who has been raised to seek validation for others, especially women (teachers, mothers, women in business situations, and wives). As explained most women loose respect for "Nice Guys." One of the traits of a nice guy is constantly doubling down. That is if you think that taking care of the kids and doing household choirs will become a covert contract with your wife to get you her validation and it doesn't work, then you do even more chores as surely that will get you the validation, sex or whatever you want.

Being a Nice Guy is being codependent in a bad way. When you stop being a Nice Guy, it is not to become a jerk, it is to become a confident, integrated man. Glover's road map for ending your Nice Guyness, it to stop doing all covert contracts with your wife. So don't make mental deals where you say to yourself, if I do this, she will do that, as you will just disappoint yourself and your wife will know the game your are trying to play on you and likely enjoy not allowing you your reward. Another thing Glover advises is to "Get a Life." That is take on a challenge to improve yourself that will boost your self confidence and possible cause your wife to look at you differently. Usually most guys go to the gym or take up sports that they gave up early in their marriage. Your signing up for a nursing degree can be a Get a Life challenge. Good start! Now hit the gym and and enjoy your time in class around those pretty young women who are also probably in the program, but keep it in your pants. Another part of Getting a Life is emotional and spiritual growth. So figure out what your ethics are and become a really good man.

MW Davis in her book Divorce Busters, stresses that you can't change your spouse, only your spouse can change themself. You can however change yourself. By changing yourself you can inspire your spouse and show her that change is possible. You can also change the way that you will allow yourself to be treated. 

I was in a sex starved marriage. My wife was sometimes emotionally abusive toward me. What I later learned about her was that whenever she felt emotionally close to me, she would pick a fight with me to regain the emotional distance she needed to avoid wanting sex with me. You have said that both your wife and dad have been abusive to you. That is kind of significant. In stopping being a Nice Guy, you will need to calmly and without anger, stop allowing yourself to be abused. I remember on time I took my wife out to a restaurant and at the end of the meal, she tried to pick a fight with me. Instead of snapping back at her in anger, I just looked at her and asked her why she had just said what she had said after such a nice meal? She was shocked that I hadn't gotten angry and even more shocked because she really didn't know why she had done it. Even more so, subconsciously, she knew she was no longer in control of me as I had changed in how I would react.

You need to change your life. That doesn't mean you have to divorce your wife. If you work hard at it and your wife works hard at it, then both of you (and your kids) might get the life you really want.

My suggestion is that you check out the program where you are signed up for the nursing degree and see if they have a marital counseling program or if there is a sliding scale marriage counselor near where you live. You and your wife could probably benefit from some sessions. Also I would strongly suggest you get the two books I talked about and read them.

Good Luck. Change yourself and you just mightl get a better life.


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