# I am the muffin man.



## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

I don't even... 

7 years ago I started a romantic relationship with my best friend, a phenomenal woman.
We had fantastic fun, we were so very real with each other. No pretenses, no facades, no drama. It was simple. It was beautiful.
We got married almost 5 years ago, gorgeous ceremony, the stuff of dreams. Never before had I felt so sure about anything in my life. I was more certain about us being meant to be together than I was about gravity.
We were the envy of our friends and family. Her family made every effort to make me feel included and part of the family. My family adored her. We felt blessed.
5 months after the wedding we had a friend/coworker of her move into our guest bedroom of the apartment (to help with rent and to help him out as his mother was about to lose her home)
5 months later everything fell apart. 
I asked her directly and she confessed that she had been having an affair with him since before our wedding. She said she felt love for him. He was a manipulative psychopath (seriously, his therapist even said so when my wife joined him for a session)
I was devastated, and she was so sorry about it all. We kicked him out, tried to start over. She resented me for a while because I was firm on "No Contact" and she felt as though she lost a friend.

A few months after this several of her employees reported her to corporate for preferential treatment of another subordinate who they accused her of having an affair with. She swore, emphatically, that it was all a lie. She said that she felt like she was being punished for something she did, with the accusations of something she didn't do.
Years later I suspect someone else, and she tells me that she needs me to trust her, but she doesn't outright deny anything.
I'm a jealous man. I have an attractive wife with an outgoing personality who listens to people. She is such a great listener; people will just spill their deepest secrets without knowing her, just because of the warm and helping aura about her. Knowing this and my residual feelings about the affair from before I convince myself that it is all in my head. I try not to accuse her.

Fast forward to June this year. I go to one of her favorite restaurants to pick up her favorite dish and deliver it to her at work. I know she'll be stressed and not have a chance to grab food. I love surprising her with small romantic gestures like this. I pull into the parking lot and see her car, so I park next to it, planning on going inside and meeting her for a surprise and impromptu dinner. Nope. She was in the car, passionately making out with a woman, another subordinate who she got a job at her store. A woman she has known for no more than 2 months at the time.
I tell her that I might not ever be able to trust her again. But she wants to try and earn my trust back. She says this woman won't want anything to do with her outside of friends now because of the awkwardness of that night. (Friendzoned)
At this point we are looking to purchase our first house, I am preparing for a doctoral program which I would begin in a few months, and she is seeking a promotion at work.

We chose a house, made an offer, got the house, signed the contracts. We close on the house and move in. She tells me that she is deeply in love with this other woman. She tells me that she might be a lesbian. She tells me that she cannot say that she loves either of us more than the other.
I approach her one day and softly tell her that I will not judge or resent her for her past, and that I forgive her for everything. I then mention the two people I know she had affairs with, the woman and the first man. I also tell her that I know about 4 other people, people who I strongly suspected at one point or another. Including the man she swore she didn’t sleep with. Also including the fiancée of one of her friend/subordinates. All of these people were individuals who worked under her at the time.
She admits to all 6 affairs. We talk about each, share some laughs and poke fun at the situation. She says that she loves me so much and that I made her happier than I could fathom with my kindness and understanding.
She is still not breaking off this other relationship and it is driving me insane. I beg her, I plead, I threaten.
We try a therapist. During the session, she tells me that she has not been attracted to me for a long time. She tells me that she wants a separation. The therapist was sarcastic and snide and entirely unprofessional. In the parkinglot, we talk. She tells me that she never wanted to marry me. She clarifies that she wanted nothing in the world more than to marry me, until I actually proposed. She says that she questioned her ability to be a good wife and she decided that she may not be able to.
She tells me that her claim to homosexuality was meant to push me to leave her. She wants to be friends, but I tell her that I may not ever be able to get over her without No contact myself. We agree to divorce. I am devastated, she tells her girlfriend as much.

The next morning I get out of the bathroom, readying myself for work and find her on her knees with her face to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. She begs me to stay, says that she can't bear living without me. I want nothing more than for her to come back to me and for our marriage/relationship to be salvaged. So we sit and talk. We agree to be "Boyfriend-Friend and Girlfriend-Friend" I move into the guest-room. She tells me that she has already signed for an apartment in her name for the other woman because she was in a physically abusive relationship with her ex, who had stolen thousands of dollars and her ID from her. I tell her very clearly that this is okay, but that the first time she takes her things and spends the night there, WE are over.

Over the next week she starts ignoring my calls and texts. She blows off planned "rekindle" dates to spend time with this other woman. The three of us meet and talk, this other woman seems nice and reserved if not uneducated, but she explains that it is against her "morals" to be with a married woman. (Something which she disregards anyway) I get frustrated, still on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I read books on what to do and how to cope. She keeps withdrawing from me, even wants to not attend my white-coat ceremony. She attends on her own inclination anyway. She understands the intensity of the doctoral program I am entering, a highly regarded (top 5) program at a highly esteemed university.

One week into the semester, I serve her a simple, but romantic meal, home-cooked. We share some loving smiles and light conversation, as I try to stop being oppressive in conversation (something I read in a book and self-identified as a fault of mine) That night, she erases our anniversary date on Facebook and changes her name back. The other woman moved into her apartment 2 days prior with my wife's help.

The next morning when I notice and confront her about it, she storms out very quickly. So in my frustration I take down our wedding pictures and adornments decorating the house and pack them away gently.
When I come home from school, I find that she has grabbed a hamper, a large portion of her toiletries and half of her clothes, and left. 
She continues to dodge my calls for the remainder of the week.
I finally break my silence and tell members of my family what has happened (all the way back to the first affair) and they are all shocked beyond words. After the initial shock wears off, each gives me similar advice. Which I follow.
I packed the remainder of her things and her bed, sobbing most of the way, gently and I move them into her library.
My little brother and his girlfriend move from across town and break their apartment lease to rent out our Master Bedroom because I cannot afford the mortgage on my own, and I know for a mathematical certainty that my wife and I cannot afford both her apartment and our house.

She finally calls me as they move in 5 days after she left, and I answer. She tells me that she misses my voice. She sounds surprised when I tell her that she is not welcomed back. I explain what was happening, and that at the very least, we were going to stay separated for a full calendar year, our marital status to be revisited shortly before lease renewal for her apartment. We agree to attend church and breakfast every Sunday for the duration of the separation. She pays several subordinates to help her move some of her furniture and a minimal amount of her belongings out of the house.
We exchange texts sparsely, and she reduces her messages to their most basic subject-verb complete sentences and statements. I tell her that I am still praying and hoping for our marriage to survive this.
The first Sunday, we both missed. The second Sunday, she misses church but joins me for breakfast at Denny’s. She tells me that she misses me. While we wait for a table, she is messaged by her girlfriend, who sends her pictures forwarded to her by her ex.
My wife does not like large dogs, and her girlfriend has a 1 or 2 year old boxer, who she left, along with money for food, with her Ex. They claimed that their apartment was too small for a dog. The Ex did not feed the dog, and left her to starve outside. My wife springs over to the Ex’s and collects the dog. I tell her that I might be willing to talk to my brother and his girlfriend about bringing the dog over to our house temporarily. She and her girlfriend bring the dog to our house. My wife stops by only twice more to deliver food for the dog. 
I plan on keeping the dog.
Now I am the one ignoring her sparsely sent texts and Facebook messages. I am the one dodging her calls, which she is making more frequently.

I am struggling to keep it together. 


Now, neither she nor I had it easy growing up. We come from very different families, even different regions of the country. 
I am not a perfect man, despite her and her friends' insistence otherwise. I have been extremely clingy. I hardly ever want to attend family/school/friend functions without her at my side. I have surrendered several things I enjoy (really just pets and outdoorsy activities) for her. I also had an unfortunate habit of guilting her about this affair unintentionally for years.

She was repeatedly raped and molested when she was 8 by her Mother's boyfriend. When she told her mother, her mother forced her to endure it, because her mother was not able to support her and her siblings without his financial support.
Her, Her mother, the man, "Mr. Patrick" and I are the only people who know about this to this day.
It left a mark on her, made her a little messed up with regards to sexuality, but she remains a woman who has strong convictions for helping and giving. She is a slave to her lusts, however. I do not believe her to be a lesbian, in fact I believe her to simply be enjoying the sex with this woman, and the kinship they seem to feel for one another currently. I know that it may be a few months or a year, but her relationship with this woman will fall through.

That all being said, I have leverage. Her employer would fire her, and quickly, if they discovered her behavior. Her family would be disappointed in her for the affairs, but would disown her for carrying out a homosexual affair. Our state law affords no legal separation, but it does gives me ownership of the house in the event of a divorce due to her infidelities.

I do not want to hurt her. She is still paying $1000/mo of the mortgage, money I cannot afford to replace or supplement any other way. I am also in very real danger of failing at least one course in this program as a result of my juggling this about.



I know it was a long read, and an unusual story, but any advise or constructive/relating comments are so very appreciated.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Muffin,

What are you doing for you?


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

For myself?
I'm keeping the dog, which I have grown fond of. I've started going out more with friends.
Beyond that, I'm doing my best to NOT fail out of the program I'm in. For me, the most important thing has to be that. It has just been so damn hard trying to remain focused.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but your wife is "messed up", and not just a little bit. You're not going to fix her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Iamthemuffinman said:


> For myself?
> I'm keeping the dog, which I have grown fond of. I've started going out more with friends.
> Beyond that, I'm doing my best to NOT fail out of the program I'm in. For me, the most important thing has to be that. It has just been so damn hard trying to remain focused.


Are you in counseling?


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

For myself, in a manner of speaking.
I'm regularly consulting my family members and friends. Whenever I'm feeling particularly low, I call someone.

Every day gets a little easier to handle it. I'm still wearing my wedding band on a necklace, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with living without her.
I'm becoming more certain that despite my intense desire to fix her and take us back to where we started, it's already over. I don't want to be a sap, or a doormat, and I'm taking back control of my life. It is not easy, but it's getting easier. 

I'm not in a position to be able to afford the time or monetary commitment to a professional. I am also a bit turned off to the idea after the amazingly poor experience I had in couple's therapy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Iamthemuffinman said:


> For myself, in a manner of speaking.
> I'm regularly consulting my family members and friends. Whenever I'm feeling particularly low, I call someone.
> 
> Every day gets a little easier to handle it. I'm still wearing my wedding band on a necklace, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with living without her.
> ...


It's completely different when a good counselor challenges you - and you become acquainted with yourself.

You seriously need it.

Allowing someone to treat you in this manner indicates some residual issues in your family of origin.

Those need to be rooted out before you'll progress.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Your wife reeks of Cluster B-ness. And you are the typical codependent rescuer-type who gets attracted to gals like her.

Your crazy relationship sounds a lot like my former marriage. Fun stuff.:scratchhead:

The question is: why would you tolerate a relationship like this?

As Conrad pointed out, the roots of it are FOO issues. Find a good IC and address those childhood issues that are buried in your subconscious.

More Thoughts on FOG, Hoovers and No Contact When Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic and/or Sociopath | Shrink4Men

Shrink4Men is a good resource. It helped me quite a bit.


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

With regards to her, I'm not sure she fits any of the classical categories.

She is without a doubt, one of the kindest, and most giving/caring people you'll ever meet. She gives of herself and her money and her possessions to help others feel/do better.
Most of the people she has been with since our marriage, including the girl she's with now, were these hapless cases. Sad, feeling insecure, depressed, lonely. 
People always feel this comfort around her, even complete strangers, and she listens and consuls. 

If she were any other person, or any other personality, this whole mess would be so much easier for me.
Again, I'm not sure that she fits the archetype of any single typical personality disorder. She's definitely messed up, and will be the first to admit it, though she has said she won't use what happened to her as a child as an excuse.


I don't feel like there are any issues in my FOO that contribute to me putting up with this behavior. I was victimized by other children at school as a young kid, and had very few friends or social skills until I was in high-school. I still remained fairly socially awkward for a number of years afterwards. I do think that this may have played a role in my staying with her for so long after the first affair and my not wanting to investigate my suspicions on the others. 

But also, I really, strongly feel a deep connection with her. We do all those stupid cliche's like finishing each-other's sentences. In 7 years of being together romantically, we fought exactly twice (over non-affair revelations) once about girls flirting with me at work, and once about going on a camping trip.
Part of me suspects that some fights were avoided by one or the other of us caving in (usually her) quickly in a disagreement. But we rarely had disagreements. Some said we were living a fantasy, but we communicated so damn well and so frequently that it felt like we avoided conflict by preemptive mutual understanding.

She has reached out to me very infrequently since leaving, and I, her. Usually something short and sweet, regarding something practical and to express a friendly concern for safety.
She says that I'll always be her best friend and that even if/when we split for good, she wants to stay friends.

I just don't know.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Seven years together, and she's had 6 affairs. She's a liar, sneak, and is able to compartmentalize her life with the best of the sociopaths.

She basically spit all over you, your marriage, and your feelings for her.

She says she wants to be friends, to assuage her guilt (all cheaters say this, btw).

And you still have her up on this ridiculous pedestal.

Her actions speak loudly, Muffin. I'm afraid your perception is clouded by your idealization of her. You aren't seeing the* real* her.

A healthy person would not tolerate an emotionally abusive marriage like yours. 

She's not LTR material. Go find a girl who is, if that's what you want.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Iamthemuffinman said:


> I don't feel like there are any issues in my FOO that contribute to me putting up with this behavior. I was victimized by other children at school as a young kid, and had very few friends or social skills until I was in high-school. I still remained fairly socially awkward for a number of years afterwards. I do think that this may have played a role in my staying with her for so long after the first affair and my not wanting to investigate my suspicions on the others.


There's more to this than you think.

Find a good IC, and run it by him/her.


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

The university offers counseling services, I will probably seek them out during the upcoming semester break.

I have been doing a little better the last few days. I'm at a point where I'm getting far more angry than sad when I reflect on my situation.

Something about what you said, ThreeStrikes, really resonated with me. She is a liar, a sneak and a cheat. 
All I can think about is how I *might* have been willing to forgive her affairs... but not her lies. I'll never really know exactly how many people she was with, because I'll *NEVER* trust her ever again. 
Everytime we talk about even just the first discovered affair, from the moment of confession to recently, the story changes, a little for the worse. 
First it was just "fooling around," then it was foreplay, then it was sex, then it was unprotected sex, then she tells me she needed a plan B and he was upset that she wouldn't consider keeping his baby if he got her pregnant.

I no longer believe that she lied to me to "protect me." More that she wanted to protect her lifestyle and her relationships.
She has me on some platform as the perfect "trophy husband." Someone who her family can be proud of her for marrying. 

I mean, the more I reflect on this, the more appalled and resolved I become. The problem is that my school work needs to take full priority, and that has been one of the hardest things in the world to do. I'm alienating many of my friends and classmates as I circle the drain of this depression and emotional turmoil... 

Sometimes I want to just throw up, other-times I want to take the truth that I know and use it to burn her career and relationships to the ground. But the truth is that I want her to be happy and as far the **** away from me as possible.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MuffinDude,

Have you read anything in the Coping with Infidelity forum here?

What you are describing is "trickle truth"

And, sex with posOM is 99% unprotected.

He's perfect, you know.

What could go wrong?


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

Conrad, yeah I did read a bit on the coping with infidelity forum a few years ago, back when I discovered the first affair.
But that was back when I was wanting to repair and restore my marriage.

And yeah, trickle truth seems to be exactly what she's doing. And it hurts a hell of a lot more than just getting it all at once, because I can't be sure I'll ever have the whole picture. It's like she's lying even when she's being truthful.

Oh, and a little detail I left out from that long tl;dr story of mine: it turns out that she was lying to me about the apartment too. She didn't actually sign the contract when she told me she did. In reality, she signed that contract 4 days after telling me it was already done.

The support I'm getting from friends and family is reserved of judgement for her unless I imply a judgement (so very very respectful) and very helpful. The support and perspectives of everyone here are almost as invaluable. I feel like I'm finally seeing through a cloud that has blinded me for so long. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel so very much better than when I was hiding the truth and fighting alone.
Thank you all!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hey, MuffinMan, have you thought about taking a LOA from your PhD program, or asking if you can switch to part-time for a semester or two? If you don't know what the policy is, you can go speak with the Dean of Students (or similar title). This is all very stressful for you, and it's not going to get any easier -- the next 12 mos, at the very least are going to be rough.

It's in the university's best interest that you are successful as a student, and when these sorts of things happen, schools are usually very accommodating. (I work in higher ed, so I know.) Don't wait until it's too late to ask for help/accommodation - talk to them NOW.

And if you really want to keep the house, you might want to think about renting it out (so you can cover the mortgage) and moving yourself into an apartment, temporarily? Just an idea.

Good luck with everything - it sounds like you're starting to get a better grip on the situation, and are being more rational and less emotional about things. That's really important. Emotions make us do stupid things; rational thought helps us make the best decisions for ourselves.


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

FeministinPink, I strongly don't want to request a LOA from the program, but I did meet with an adviser who told me it is an option for me.

Yesterday I thought was a good day, right up until the end. I spent the day cramming at a great coffee shop, got a FB message from a member of her family who noticed her name change. Apparently she still hasn't even told her family that we're splitting up.

To make matters worse, I woke up this morning planning on church then back to the grind, but noticed a text from her.
She told me that she came to the house and spent the night in her room, said that she hoped that was alright that she was just "tired" and that she was leaving. This was 10min before I woke up. I got home pretty late (2am-ish) so I was pretty surprised.

I had previously told her that so long as she pays the other $1,000 of the $1,800 mortgage I would not re-key the locks on her; that it could be like a "rent" for her library, a room she setup and that I moved all of her stuff, including our marital/her bachelorette bed into. When I was weaker about it all, I had told her that she was welcome to spend the night in that room if she needed to. This room is past my room in a short hallway, but she didn't knock/enter my room at all. (I wake on a pin-drop and slept the whole night)
But this signals something I was afraid of: Her relationship with her girlfriend is deteriorating faster than I would like. Pictures posted on FB by her girlfriend, tagging her in them, yesterday showed her trying on some fuzzy cuff restraints in the girlfriend's car in an area I recognized as an adult toy/video store we used to visit. (I only looked at her FB because I was interrogated by her aunt who expressed concern over her name change on FB) 
But then later that night she drives 5 miles out of her way to sleep a handful of hours at the house without waking anyone?

I don't mind her moving back into that other room temporarily, but only temporarily, and only after I've had at least another month or 3 of strengthening my resolve/coping/reflecting on the situation. But I also can't afford to change my living situation right now, nor lose her supplementation to the mortgage payment....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

You may not WANT to do an LOA, but it's good to know that you can if you need to.


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

So today has been full of surprises.
Suffice to say that my concerns from this morning are long gone.

I spent most of my day studying at a coffee shop, and at ~9:00pm or so I get a call from my stbxw's grandmother. An awesome and tenacious woman with a fierce strength in her convictions. I remember her Aunt's message from last night and I want to let it go to voice mail but she hangs up after 2 rings.
A few minutes later I get another call, this time from her mother, this one I gets to voicemail. The message was from her mother and she said that they had talked to my stbxw and they were "not happy about some of the things that have been going on." and they wanted a call back from me tonight, or else they'll be at the house tomorrow in the morning.

So... yeah, not a threatening inflection or anything, but they were definitely unhappy. So I call my mother-in-law back and sure enough, I'm being advised to get an attorney and being threatened with police and lectured and yadda yadda.
Turns out my stbxw, K, was pressed at a family function today about the changes noticed by her aunt. She broke down in tears and told them all that I had gotten upset with her about an old boyfriend and that I was disrespectful and hateful and aggressive towards her. She told them that I had threatened her with a firearm (that she told me a long time ago she doesn't feel comfortable with) and that she left to stay with her "friend," a girl she met, because she feared for her safety. She also cried and told them that my brother and his girlfriend were unwelcomed and brought dogs and cats into her bedroom, and that she felt like we bullied her to stay away.
Mom-in-law told me that grandma-in-law was already getting an attorney for K, and that the House would not remain mine if I fought for it.

At this point, I'm in my car, packed up from studying and absolutely shocked. I expected a lie of omission from K to her family, we had even discussed what she might tell them. But I NEVER expected that she would vilify me and play on their old fears (Mom-in-law had some pretty silly and prejudice suspicions of me being some violent killer criminal type when we went on our first date, because all she knew about me was that I was from NY (state) )

Well, Mom and dad in law didn't think this sounded like me at all, so they reached out, past their protective anger for K.

So I dropped one of my nuclear deterrents of truth. I told her mother everything.
Mom-in-law was shocked and audibly stunned by all of that, including the revelation of her "friend she's staying with" actually being her lesbian lover.
No more threats followed in the conversation, Mom-in-law just sounded stunned and apologize needing time to reconfer with dad-in-law and K.

My father called about 40 min later to setup a time for both my parents and mom/dad in law to meet and talk later in the week. Apparently mom-in-law feels so much sympathy for me that what I've gone through is "unimaginable."

No heads-up or message or anything from K since her early morning confession. So I've got one nuclear deterrent left. And hopefully K will understand now that I'm not a doormat anymore. Hopefully she will take to heart the legal counsel given to her last month and the seriousness of my new-found conviction regarding the whole twisted mess. She can take this to court, but she'll lose and she knows it. But if she doesn't let this be an easy and clean break, I'll drop the second truth bomb, and she WILL lose her job because of it. Hell, I should tell her friend and subordinate whom K bought a wedding dress for (wedding is in 1 month) that K seduced and slept with her soon-to-be-fiancee. Once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

It's always nice to have the in-laws on YOUR side for a change, right?



Iamthemuffinman said:


> Hell, I should tell her friend and subordinate whom K bought a wedding dress for (wedding is in 1 month) that K seduced and slept with her soon-to-be-fiancee. Once a cheater, always a cheater.


This may be an unpopular opinion, but if I was this bride, I would want to know. If you tell her, you could be saving her a life's worth of heartbreak - so this young woman won't have to endure what you have. 

So I think you should tell her - if you have some sort of tangible proof. She might refuse to believe you otherwise - she might view you as the bitter STBX out to ruin his wife's career.

So, I guess... I think the right thing to do would be to tell her, but tread carefully. And the sooner, the better. (As in, don't wait until the preacher says, "If anyone knows any cause why these two should not wed...")


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

I don't have proof of that particular affair. Only what K told me.

I feel a changing mixture of deep sadness for K and anger/shame at myself for being so blind.

Today Sadness >> Anger

She was a woman I was willing to die for, change everything about myself for. I would have given her the world if she had only been genuine with me.
I know that the truth will ease her family into calling off the proverbial dogs for now, but the personal cost for K will be enormous. The thing she prizes most in the world (aside from her narcissistic pleasures) is her family's pride in her. And that is being torn asunder now.
This loss and the knowledge of how it going to effect K hurts me more than I can possibly articulate. But I feel like I had no real choice in the matter. I needed them to not come after me, and the only way for that to happen would be to set them straight.
I do take some small token of relief from knowing that her mother seemed to believe and empathize/take sides with me.
My parents are meeting with a lawyer or two for me today, and I'll call them for details after my big exam tonight. I also re-keyed the locks to the house and locked the gate to the backyard before leaving for campus this morning.

I do need to study, but I greatly appreciate everyone for having the patience and kindness to read my long ordeal and to give me some positive support.  You guys are all great people.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Iamthemuffinman said:


> I don't have proof of that particular affair. Only what K told me.
> 
> I feel a changing mixture of deep sadness for K and anger/shame at myself for being so blind.
> 
> ...


Don't get down on yourself. Narcs are by nature very deceptive, and very good at faking it (pretending to be something other than they really are). Angstire posted a really good explanation of it on one of my threads. They mirror you, pretending to be what you've always wanted, in order to pull you in and get their emotional fix. It's almost guaranteed that she's been doing the same to her affair partners as well.

Be proud of yourself for having the courage to fight your way out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

Things keep getting uglier.



No word back from K's family to my family since Sunday night.
On Tuesday I got several text messages from K. She told me that she was sorry for hurting my heart, and that she was angry that I told her family, but that even through her anger she wishes me well and that she has been remembering the "good times" and how badly she wanted to stay with me forever. She said that she hopes that one day down the road we can be friends again. 

I was angry over this, because all I can think is that she's only sorry she got caught, not that she did anything to me.

So I calmed down and called K later Tuesday night and told her what I wanted: for her to meet me, with or without her family/attorney and we can sign the papers, complete the divorce uncontested, with no more drama, no more hurt, no more dragging it out. We just do it, and move on with our lives.
She started to talk to me about how she feels and how she meant every word of her texts...
This dragged me into an unproductive tangent of expressing my pent-up emotions.

At the end of the conversation I reiterated what I wanted, specifying that I want to keep the house and everything in it, save obvious belonging she left behind. I told her that if she fought me I would reveal the truth to her employer and I would still end up getting everything I want (We both know this because we have both spoken to attorneys about texas law handling divorce and infidelities.)
I told her to call me back before 9:00pm wed with her decision and that we could move on from there, and if it was peaceful, maybe one day way way down the road be friends again.

An hour later I started getting phone calls from her grandmother who said some of the most ignorant and hurtful things imaginable given the situation. She told me that K sought the affection of another man because I wasn't man enough for her, and that she was tired of supporting me. She told me to get out of "her child's house" and that if I wanted to go to war with some black people she would call her friends down from Chicago and I nor my family would be able to stay in the state. I was shocked, so I hung up on her.
She called and threatened my brother who is staying with me in a similar fashion, he hung up on her, and she called him back, so he hung up again.

I got a voicemail where she accuses me of harassing K, and a similar voicemail with a similar accusation the next morning from K's mom, where she also tells me that K won't ever want to be hearing from me again and won't be signing anything.
I also notice K blocked me from FB and deleted all of my family members as well. I interpreted that as a decision.

I called the police and filed a report that night. I drafted a short letter to her boss and the Loss-prevention manager of our district in the company and saved it. The next morning, I got some advise and sent the letter with an EXTREMELY heavy heart.
I got on FB and started telling the truth to her former lovers and lover's girlfriends/ the one guy's fiancee.
I approached it cool and manipulative, and I got confessions over FB from two of the lovers.

Got home from class on wed, and found that K's girlfriend had broken my fence to steal the dog back. This is bothering me more than I thought. I got really attached to that dog.
K also paid the phone bill (which I normally pay) and then shut off mine and my brother's lines before changing the passwords and PINs for the account(The account is in her name, and my brother has a line on the family plan)


All I want to do is to reach out to her and beg her to sign the paper, release the phone lines and make it all stop.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You are talking way too much. Are you trying to open yourself up to an extortion case?


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> You are talking way too much. Are you trying to open yourself up to an extortion case?


What? do mean on here? or to her?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Threats about what happens if she does or doesn't do something opens a whole new can of worms.

Just tell her what you are okay with and what you aren't.

Trying to manipulate her into a settlement by threatening her is a bad road to travel down.


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

I wasn't trying to threaten her. I was just explaining that in the process of building my case, and fighting her about it if she takes it to court, I'll have to tell her company and try and get from them evidence of a pattern of behavior, which if they won't give that to me, I can use her termination for this behavior as evidence enough.

If she just signed the papers and NOT drag this out, then there wouldn't be any need for me to do anything like that.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Texas is an at-fault state when adultery is involved.

If you want to use her cheating as leverage for a quick and fast D, I'm all for it.

You're actually letting her off easy....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Iamthemuffinman said:


> I wasn't trying to threaten her. I was just explaining that in the process of building my case, and fighting her about it if she takes it to court, I'll have to tell her company and try and get from them evidence of a pattern of behavior, which if they won't give that to me, I can use her termination for this behavior as evidence enough.
> 
> If she just signed the papers and NOT drag this out, then there wouldn't be any need for me to do anything like that.


My state is no fault but adultery and abandonment weigh heavily on alimony decisions.

You have no other way of proving she had affairs?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

ahh man i would be pissed over the dog also/ i have 3 boxers and me and my wife (jokingly) fight over who would get the dogs..i would be me  she would get visitations....unless she cheated then she gets nothing


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> My state is no fault but adultery and abandonment weigh heavily on alimony decisions.
> 
> You have no other way of proving she had affairs?


I have a bit of proof about her affairs. Other than 2 confessions recorded over FB from former lovers, nothing really firmly hardcore. She did put the current lover's vehicle on our auto-insurance policy, and I sent that document in to the employer as an attachment with the email. I walked in on her with the current lover too. She confessed to me about the other 5, and everyone at her store in 2010 knew about 1 (it was documented within the company) and a few people at her other store in 2009 knew about the first, who did live with us for a few months (because she moved him in) and he was on the apartment lease... I suppose I can get that old lease.

I'm not sure I want to go through with costing her her job. I already sent the email, but I don't want to follow up. Something deep in me really feels horrible about hurting her that way, even though she's shown very little genuine remorse for how she's treated me, and all the pain and hurt she's caused me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> She was repeatedly raped and molested when she was 8 by her Mother's boyfriend. When she told her mother, her mother forced her to endure it, because her mother was not able to support her and her siblings without his financial support.


...


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

A brief aside: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/140649-i-got-served-today.html
The short of it is here:


> So she is filing without an attorney, seeking sole ownership of the house and claiming the refrigerator and washer/dryer as her personal property. (Fridge was purchased PARTLY using some funds gifted to both of us by her grandmother via a check to my stbxw, washer/dryer were purchased using her income, and are defined as community property per Texas law)
> I have some evidence for court, pictures (some more implicit of an intimate relationship than others) a confession by one former lover over FB, the addition of her current lover’s vehicle to our auto-insurance policy, general pattern of behavior for which she’s been disciplined for at work (records are confidential) and may soon be terminated for, She confessed everything to me at one point, I walked in on her with the current lover, etc.


I apologize for splitting this off the topic.


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

So it has been over 2 months since we began our separation agreement, 50 days from when she left the house, and two weeks exactly from when things really deteriorated.

She filed an initial petition for divorce two days after the big dramatic meltdown which prompted my email to our superiors at work.


What happened from that Email:
I did get a follow up call from the investigator contracted by our company to look into this and related matters. I tried to soften the blow of my email without backtracking or compromising my position. I denied knowledge of things that I really knew about because they were more damning towards her and because they were not in my initial email, if not implied. He told me that she complained about me, said she was getting a restraining order against me, that I was physically threatening to her, and that everything I said was a lie.
I explained to him that what I really want is for her to get help. She has a serious problem and she's going to contract a terminal disease or piss off the wrong person's husband/boyfriend/etc and get herself killed. I explained that the 6 people I named in my email were not people of high personal esteem or hygiene. 
He laughed pretty hard at this, apologizing profusely afterwards. He explained that he had met with several of the people I named, and that he understood exactly what I meant when I described them in that manner. (Yeah that badly a bunch of fat, self-absorbed, self-depreciating, low-life's)
He asked me what an acceptable resolution might look like to me (as in, what did I want, and what did I think she would accept from them); he actually suggested mandatory psychiatric counseling for her as a condition of employment. I told him I thought that was perfect, and I emphasized that it was not my desire for her to be fired.
One thing though. I had hope that this was all going to blow over for her. Up until one point towards the end of the conversation. The one physical piece of evidence I sent with that email, the proof of auto-insurance policy form. He told me that she had claimed that the POSO's car on the policy was in fact a car she recently purchased for herself in secret. 
That was an unfortunate lie on her part because it is so easily uncovered. Ask to see her girlfriend's car. Ask to see a single billing statement. Ask employees who drives what. Or perhaps the easiest: Look up the vehicle registration and see who the vehicle is actually registered to. (The VIN is listed on the policy document I sent them)


So, in this time, K has not been back to work, which leads me to believe that she has in fact been fired. She also pulled a few more ugly maneuvers than what I previously thought.
She didn't just turn off the phone lines, she also scheduled a disconnect of the cable/internet and cancelled my car off the auto-insurance policy.

So how did I respond? I used a backup log in to get back into the cell phone account and reactivated mine and my brother's lines so they could be ported out to google voice (and subsequently to another carrier). I got mine out before she figured out what happened and locked me out again. I was a little sick to my stomach when I saw that the security questions and PIN codes were changed to the OW's personal information.
I also called and had my car reinstated retroactively on the insurance policy (and removed the POSOWs car) After that I had a new cable service set up.

At this juncture K may be without employ, shamed publicly for her indiscretions, hit with a $200 early termination fee for my phone line, responsible for $800 of cable company equipment, and admonished by all of our closest friends.

With all of this, I still pray for her. I keep a journal now of my thoughts and reflections. It is therapeutic because it forces me to organize my thoughts in an ordered fashion. _(If you think I'm long winded here, I've produced no journal entry with fewer than 2000 words thus far.)_

I realize now that K is living her fantasy, outside of reality. She refuses to accept responsibility for her actions, and she refuses to face the consequences in a meaningful way.

I'm doing much better in school now, but I have so much work in the next 4 weeks to do... It is a daily struggle, but I am finding the courage and the strength to move forward, even if I lack the serenity just now.


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

So a little update...
My semester is almost done. (woo!) I have another 10 days until finals start, and then about a week after that I'm free for almost a full month.
I've only dug myself into a nice pit for a single class and it's lab (the hardest course(s) in the curriculum most say)
and at that I'm only a full 2-3 points from passing. So I've met with my professor and explained my situation. She seems understanding and supportive, so I'm hopeful.

If I can make it through this semester balancing all of this personal nightmare-ish stuff, nothing can stop me later on, right?

Well, after my efforts, K got to keep her job. They transferred her to another location. I'm happy that I wasn't the one who triggered the investigation that would have cost her that which she holds most dear. I know it sounds a little silly.
After retaining a lawyer, it sounds like she's being more reasonable, no longer seeking the house.

It is still a daily struggle. Some days I'm immeasurably angry, some days I feel so hurt I don't want to get out of bed. I'm a little worried about how I'm going to feel when I don't have this enormous course-load to distract me with in a few weeks.

I can now imagine my life without her, but I can't see anyone else filling the vacuum that she has left in my life. Every lovey-dovey song or romantic comedy that I see/hear just kills me. Almost nothing seems to be as joyful or pleasant as it once was. And it hurts me just that much more to know that she is happy and "in-love" a few miles away with someone else.
Although, whenever I want to sit down and sulk or cry (Yeah, real men cry, probably not a revelation to you guys though) I think to that Duran-Duran song "Ordinary World" and it strangely helps me through.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Grieving is a process. Hang in there, MuffinMan.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The Muffin Man - Shrek - YouTube

The muffin man?
THE MUFFIN MAN!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Thank The Lord above you did not have children with this "woman". 

Hopefully you're still finding a little time for yourself, in between the studying and STBXW BS, to let loose and have some fun.


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## Iamthemuffinman (Oct 30, 2013)

@ threestrikes, I'm hanging in there as best as I can. It is such an incredible struggle, but every moment I'm still standing is a small but important victory.



RandomDude said:


> The Muffin Man - Shrek - YouTube
> 
> The muffin man?
> THE MUFFIN MAN!


lol

Probably a poor choice in screen names, "Muffin" was her pet-name for me. Mine for her was "Croissant."

@Ceegee I wouldn't have much time to myself if I didn't have all this divorce stuff going on. I've tried to spend some time with friends, trivia nights, bar hopping, even a video game evening or two.

Still, all time best spent in the books, I'm afraid.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Iamthemuffinman said:


> @ threestrikes, I'm hanging in there as best as I can. It is such an incredible struggle, but every moment I'm still standing is a small but important victory.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If books are only outlet, try to find some with humor. 

Concentrate on positive thoughts. 

I know it's a struggle but you need to focus on the positives of life.


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