# Bi polar wife



## Golfguy80

Hi I’m 38 and newly married. We are 10 months in and since our marriage we have found out my wife is bi polar. First off I love my wife very much. But our marriage is off to a very rocky start...my wife has been diagnosed as being bi polar along with depression. We have been to marriage counseling, she see a psychiatrist, as do I so that I can help learn to deal with what my wife is going through and to learn how I can best help her. 

My wife can be such a wonder person. Fun loving and adventures. But on the other side of it. She can be so angry and so easily agitated that it’s unbearable. We are failing badly on trying to manage this. Partly because we are both stubborn. She doesn’t want to take her meds all the time and in fact she is mad that she even has too. Everything I do or don’t do makes her angry...when she gets in her down swing. 

There are long periods of tile with extremely irresponsible money management, she sleeps most of the day, it’s hard for her to keep a job because she gets so agitated.. I feel help less. And I don’t know what to do, I’m trying the hardest that I can to change in me what I need to to be more understanding, and learn the best ways to help manage and help her steer away from the things that trigger her off...because once it comes it last for weeks..but I have been called every name that you can imagine, cussed out, I have been told that she doesn’t want me or doesn’t need me in her life. That I’m not worth anything, I don’t work hard enough. 

Even though she has no job at all. Or pay any bills, I do all the laundry. I do all the cooking, cleaning..it breaks my heart for her to say all these things to me. She says them without remorse....I promise I’m trying. I just don’t know if I should just give up. Or if I’m doing more harm then good... 

I treat my wife as best I can in my eyes but in her eyes it’s never ever enough...she always pushes me away and gets angry if I try to tell her about any irresponsible behavior and what it is doing to our family. And she try’s to just get rid of me because that’s easier to get ride of in her eyes is casing her stress then to have to face any of it...I simply can not tell my wife anything without it being my fault or I enabled her to do it. Maybe there is nothing I can do. But I do love my wife and I want to be there to help her...she told me once that she has a hard time spending energy loving me because she can barely find love for herself...its heartbreaking to hear that.. she needs to learn to love her self. I want that for her even more then me.. any advice would help

Thank you


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## sunsetmist

Uht ohh! I have great compassion for you and none for the wife. It is unlikely that she was only recently diagnosed with mental health issues. Find out if she has ever been sexually abused. Wondering what you love about living in this atmosphere? 

People with her diagnosis rarely take their meds for the long haul. They like manic feelngs. She is not going to become the person you may have seen glimpses of. Is it too late for annulment under false pretenses--if such exists? Otherwise, hang on until you can't take it any more. Beware of having children.


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## BlueWoman

How old is your wife? I find it weird that she’s just now finding out that she is bipolar. Unless of course she’s been self-medicating. I had a friend who was 40 when he was diagnosed. But he had been alcoholic for at least 15 years. And if fact he was never officially diagnosed because he couldn’t stay sober long enough for the Dr’s to make an appropriate diagnosis. 

Everyone else I know was diagnosed in their teens or 20’s.


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## delupt

You sound like a good man ... but sadly, a nice guy. And women with personality disorders are toxic for nice guys. You just don't have the tools to cope ... the more she acts up the more you play nice and pick up her slack. 

First, don't have any children and seriously consider whether you want to live like this - it isn't going to get any better. As I understand, bi-polar events just get longer and more frequent as people age, so those glimpses of charismatic, fun-loving, passionate girl you met are going to be less frequent. 

You need to decide if you think it is your job to nurse this person for the next few decades.


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## MattMatt

@Golfguy80 she is receiving counselling, seeing a psychiatrist, which is good. But what about you? What help are your receiving? Are you getting counselling? Are you being given help with coping skills?

I hope these links will help you:-

https://www.nami.org/Personal-Stories/How-To-Love-Someone-With-A-Mental-Illness

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/serious-mental-illness

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/helping-a-loved-one-cope-with-a-mental-illness

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/crazy-life/201209/how-help-loved-one-mental-illness


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## SunCMars

The advice, so far given, recommends giving up on her.
Add my Avatar to the list.

Medicine has not yet arrived at her fix. And, likely, will not for twenty or more years. 

Our bodies react differently to these drugs. Each patient is doctored, and a grand dosing experiment ensues. 
The drugs given are tailored, with her being experimented on while observing her reaction.

Such, an inexact science. :|

Lithium is a favored drug, and is toxic at some level. It removes the mania, leaving the depression. 

If given a cocktail of drugs, including anti-depressants, all bets are off on the outcome.

You see...
I don't blame her for not wanting to feel numbed, losing the Mania that empowers her. As @sunsetmist, so mentioned.
Mania makes her feel full of life.

Ach!, This, while she abuses others around her.

Let her down as gently as possible, and let her go. 

She is not your child, and should not be your lifetime burden.

If this were a fight that you could win, I would push for staying and helping. 
But, alas, it is not.

This is her battle, not yours.
Unfortunately.

I stand now, in your shoes. I waited too long.


THRD-


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## minimalME

I also deal with anger and low frustration tolerance, but I'm autistic - not bipolar. 

And just as a sidenote, it might be helpful for her to go through the tests on ARC to see if she sees herself in the listed characteristics. Lots of times people are misdiagnosed, or they have more than one issue going on.

What both of you need to come to terms with is that, her behavior is her responsibility. It's up to her to take her medication, and it's up to her to find beneficial ways to cope.

Personally, I've chosen solitude.

Your part in this is that it's not up to you sort her out. You need to work on yourself.

Yes, the two of you can work together to find ways that make your marriage doable, but if you're going to do that, both have to be willing and working.

And, in my opinion, the 'nice guy' label is not a compliment. 

People who have brain disorders need others around them who're are firm, direct, honest, _and kind_.

So, be strong and dig deep, and be truthful about what you want and don't want in your life.


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## 2&out

Divorce her as soon as possible unless you want a crappy unpredictable frustration filled life. The sooner the better to limit the payments you might have to pay her. It is very unlikely she will improve and she will not cure. She will likely get worse. RUN !!!!!!!


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## She'sStillGotIt

Golfguy80 said:


> Hi I’m 38 and newly married. We are 10 months in and since our marriage we have found out my wife is bi polar.


Well that's kind of amazing that she never knew this until you married her. 

I'll be honest with you. You wouldn't be the first guy who was tricked into committing to a bipolar woman who refused to tell you the truth until *after* she got the commitment. The old bait-and-switch. It happened to my friend and 6 months in, she had one of her meltdowns (apparently it happens once or twice a year) where she has to go to the psyche ward at the hospital for 72 hours. Also apparently, all her family members had all cared for her at one point or another in time and none of them were willing to take her home from the hospital - my friend was stuck with her (they weren't married, just living together). He was rightfully furious that she'd blatantly LIED to him and he wanted nothing to do with her but since no one else would take her, he got stuck having to bring her back to his house.

He spent another two years in crazy-ville with her before he could finally get her out of his house and into a willing relative's care. She would randomly become violent and one time dragged him across the living room by his HAIR (he was sitting cross-legged on the floor going through his briefcase when she took him for a drag) and another time she broke down the bathroom door literally off it's hinges when he locked himself in the bathroom to get away from her. 

So, I'm just going to say that I find it a bit doubtful that this diagnosis was a "surprise" for your wife. 

Welcome to the rest of your life. I think it's very admirable that you've chosen to stay. I agree with 2&out that you've signed up for a life of misery and should run because I think she knew exactly what she was doing but you've chosen to stay. In that respect, I would say MattMatt's advice to learn how cope with your new 'normal' is probably the best way to go.

Good luck to you.


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## minimalME

Your wife _may_ have known before you got married, and you _may_ choose to get a divorce, but interacting with her with a negative, antagonistic mindset is not going to be helpful.

I was diagnosed at 52, after doing my own research for about 15 years. 

People don't really want to hear or know that there's a problem. 

When I was married with young children, I asked for help from various people (including my ex-huband), and I was consistently told I was just fine. 

Even after my diagnosis, I was excited to share with my family because it explained a lifetime of confusion, and I was blown off by everyone except one supporive person.

When I tried to get help for one of my daughters, again, I was told she was just rebelling, just going through a hard time, when actually we discovered later that she'd had a psychotic break and was delusional. No one paid attention until she threatened one of her college professors, and the school escorted her to the local mental hospital.

When that same daughter went to her psychiatrist and told him she was suicidal, she was told it would pass. She stopped her weekly visits to her psychologist because the woman preferred talking about herself.

I'm sharing these examples just to say, everyone doesn't always come from an evil place set out to destroy your life. And the flippant responses are offensive - and unhelpful.

It's no wonder so many people feel lonely, abandoned, depressed, and suicidal.


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## dadstartingover

It's like a movie... "Severely Broken Woman Finds Nice Guy Part 2,993,523"


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## Livvie

Not everyone is going to have a partner in life. Some people don't end up with a life partner because partnering with them isn't a good, positive, enhancing, mutual, healthy experience. Your wife isn't someone who can provide you with a good, positive, enhancing, mutual, healthy experience. So, I'm with what SunCMars said. This woman isn't your child. You two don't have children together, nor do you have a long partnership history. She's not your child. Don't sign up for a life of being her caretaker.


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## Married but Happy

My ex became bipolar several years after we got married. It was a contributing factor to divorcing her, but not the main one. To her credit, she did take her meds consistently. In your case, I would divorce. Unless! You can make an agreement with her that she will consistently take her meds, and you will see where things stand in a year. If she does not take her meds, file for divorce, or if your situation does not improve *significantly, *_despite _her taking her meds, divorce her after a year. She should know the consequences of her failing to keep her end of the deal - or for not making a deal.


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## SunCMars

minimalME said:


> Personally, I've chosen solitude.



Solitude, works well. 

It saves others from meeting your struggles.

Yet, such a lonely address to park your worth. :|



THRD-


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## SunCMars

minimalME said:


> Your wife _may_ have known before you got married, and you _may_ choose to get a divorce, but interacting with her with a negative, antagonistic mindset is not going to be helpful.
> 
> I was diagnosed at 52, after doing my own research for about 15 years.
> 
> People don't really want to hear or know that there's a problem.
> 
> When I was married with young children, I asked for help from various people (including my ex-huband), and I was consistently told I was just fine.
> 
> Even after my diagnosis, I was excited to share with my family because it explained a lifetime of confusion, and I was blown off by everyone except one supporive person.
> 
> When I tried to get help for one of my daughters, again, I was told she was just rebelling, just going through a hard time, when actually we discovered later that she'd had a psychotic break and was delusional. No one paid attention until she threatened one of her college professors, and the school escorted her to the local mental hospital.
> 
> When that same daughter went to her psychiatrist and told him she was suicidal, she was told it would pass. She stopped her weekly visits to her psychologist because the woman preferred talking about herself.
> 
> I'm sharing these examples just to say, everyone doesn't always come from an evil place set out to destroy your life. And the flippant responses are offensive - and unhelpful.
> 
> It's no wonder so many people feel lonely, abandoned, depressed, and suicidal.


:iagree:


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## MJJEAN

You stay and you will have a hard row to hoe. She's not going to magically get better. She will likely be on and off her meds for years, if not for the rest of her life, as she doesn't like taking them, which is common to those with her mental illness. She will not stop being emotionally and verbally abusive. She will not stop irresponsibly spending. She will not take interest in keeping her home clean. She will not be employed in a stable and long term job. If you stay, this is your life until one of you leaves or dies.

Whatever you do, if you don't leave immediately, DO NOT risk getting her pregnant. YOU take charge of birth control. If she's using BC, use a condom anyway. The last thing you want is a child raised by a woman who lacks self control, is mentally unstable, verbally abusive, and incapable of or unwilling to perform simple household tasks. A child doesn't deserve that.


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## minimalME

I don’t get lonely. 

I also don’t get frustrated or angry, and I don’t live this way to spare others. I do it for me. 



SunCMars said:


> Solitude, works well.
> 
> It saves others from meeting your struggles.
> 
> Yet, such a lonely address to park your worth. :|
> 
> 
> 
> THRD-


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## Nucking Futs

MJJEAN said:


> You stay and you will have a hard row to hoe. She's not going to magically get better. She will likely be on and off her meds for years, if not for the rest of her life, as she doesn't like taking them, which is common to those with her mental illness. She will not stop being emotionally and verbally abusive. She will not stop irresponsibly spending. She will not take interest in keeping her home clean. She will not be employed in a stable and long term job. If you stay, this is your life until one of you leaves or dies.
> 
> *Whatever you do, if you don't leave immediately, DO NOT risk getting her pregnant. YOU take charge of birth control. If she's using BC, use a condom anyway.* The last thing you want is a child raised by a woman who lacks self control, is mentally unstable, verbally abusive, and incapable of or unwilling to perform simple household tasks. A child doesn't deserve that.


And don't leave them where she can get to them to sabotage them.


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## SunCMars

Nucking Futs said:


> And don't leave them where she can get to them to sabotage them.


Yes, those condoms.

A needle in the end, a hole, a light up above, and twenty sperm scramble (swim) from a would-be grave.


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