# My husband has an affair



## AlyceInWonderland (Feb 26, 2021)

My Husband had a 3 month affair which he disclosed to me at the start of the year.... hello 2021!!

I have chosen to stay, i love him and our marriage has been in a terrible place. Whilst an affair is not something i would have done, i understand his need for connection outside of our marriage. In the last 8 weeks, we have reconnected, we have been intimate both emotionally and sexually. 
But.... i know he had a connection with the other woman and i know he pines for her. he has cut contact with her and has repeatedly promised me he will not make contact. 

I am so scared, i am scared of what experiencing this hurt is capable of in my mind. I'm scared of being hurt again and for the life of me i cannot trust him. How do i forgive him? 
he has set up location sharing on his phone, he tells me every phone call, every text message, everything. But i can't, i'm stuck... 

will this get easier? does a marriage actually survive after infidelity?

Please no-one tell me to leave, i have lost enough 'friends' because of decision to stay


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Trust once shattered is very hard to regain. Even if you forgive that doesn't automatically mean you can trust him. Can you live with that? 
Do you know who this woman is? Has he agreed to set clear boundaries with the opposite sex from now on?


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## AlyceInWonderland (Feb 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Trust once shattered is very hard to regain. Even if you forgive that doesn't automatically mean you can trust him. Can you live with that?
> Do you know who this woman is? Has he agreed to set clear boundaries with the opposite sex from now on?


I don't know if i can or not. only time will tell i suppose. No i don't know the other female. He has done everything i have asked of him so far.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> I don't know if i can or not. only time will tell i suppose. No i don't know the other female. He has done everything i have asked of him so far.


Has he told you who she is? Work colleague? How did they meet etc?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> will this get easier? does a marriage actually survive after infidelity?


If you both work hard at it and don't rug sweep it, then yes it can get easier. It is a long process though (2-5 years) and you are only a month or two into it. So unfortunately, you have a long road ahead of you.

It can get better though, if that's any consolation. Things will _never _be "the way they were" and you have to mourn the loss of that, but it doesn't mean you can't have a good marriage. 

I'm two years in and overall things are pretty good individually (for me at least) and as a couple. It's not easy and "it's been messy" is an understatement... but to me, it's worth it. And yes, the trust can come back _if_ you both work at it. I will never trust my wife the way I did before and there is still work to be done, but the trust is slowly coming back.

You said your husband has done everything you've asked, what about therapy? That's a very important piece.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> My Husband had a 3 month affair which he disclosed to me at the start of the year.... hello 2021!!
> 
> I have chosen to stay, i love him and our marriage has been in a terrible place. Whilst an affair is not something i would have done, i understand his need for connection outside of our marriage. In the last 8 weeks, we have reconnected, we have been intimate both emotionally and sexually.
> But.... i know he had a connection with the other woman and i know he pines for her. he has cut contact with her and has repeatedly promised me he will not make contact.
> ...


Why do you “understand” his need for connection outside marriage? I don’t even know what that means... 

How long have you been married? Who was the affair with? Why did it end? How did he tell you and under what circumstances? Did you get checked for STDs? Has he ever cheated before? How old are you?

I think that’s a good start to understanding.


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## AlyceInWonderland (Feb 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Has he told you who she is? Work colleague? How did they meet etc?


yes, he has told me who she is. i have seen her FB profile. he met her through a dating website website. she lives an hour away and somewhere we don't frequently visit so there is minimal chance of bumping into her. and he has to go out of his way if he were to meet her.


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## AlyceInWonderland (Feb 26, 2021)

bobert said:


> If you both work hard at it and don't rug sweep it, then yes it can get easier. It is a long process though (2-5 years) and you are only a month or two into it. So unfortunately, you have a long road ahead of you.
> 
> It can get better though, if that's any consolation. Things will _never _be "the way they were" and you have to mourn the loss of that, but it doesn't mean you can't have a good marriage.
> 
> ...


Thankyou for your reply. we have discussed marriage counselling and it will happen. we are both in individual therapy which i think i need more at the moment.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> Thankyou for your reply. we have discussed marriage counselling and it will happen. we are both in individual therapy which i think i need more at the moment.


I'm glad to hear that, and you're right, individual therapy is the right way to start this. I wanted to see what you were doing before I said more.


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## AlyceInWonderland (Feb 26, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Why do you “understand” his need for connection outside marriage? I don’t even know what that means...
> 
> How long have you been married? Who was the affair with? Why did it end? How did he tell you and under what circumstances? Did you get checked for STDs? Has he ever cheated before? How old are you?
> 
> I think that’s a good start to understanding.


we had disconnected, we we no longer intimate. our cuddles were rare and kisses non existent. we we just co-inhabiting and not living as husband and wife. i dismissed him and he dismissed me. he went through a difficult time and i wasn't emotionally there for him so he went else where. he met her online and he told me one morning because we were talking and trying to fix our marriage. it was working but the damage was already done on his end. he was guilty and he could see i was hurting. yes i did get checked and all negative. im 38 and we have been married 10 years


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> yes, he has told me who she is. i have seen her FB profile. he met her through a dating website website. she lives an hour away and somewhere we don't frequently visit so there is minimal chance of bumping into her. and he has to go out of his way if he were to meet her.


Oh wow, so he went searching on dating sites which makes it completely premeditated. The thing is that all marriages have bumps in the road, what will he do next time things get difficult? I do know a few couples who have got past this, we are all different and some cant trust again and the marriage is shattered, others seem to move past it, but something has always been lost. 
It may take a year or two before you know if you can trust him again.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Have you got yourself checked for STDs? The kind of woman that goes looking for sex on line is highly likely to have been around the block. Is this woman married? If so you should nuke her from orbit by exposing her to her husband. It’s just to be sure , he doesn’t go sniffing around her again. 

is he pining for her still? If so, you can let him know that is unacceptable, that your love for him has limits.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I do not think you should rush into reconciling with him unless he is doing all the things you need to feel safe again (i.e. no contact, no contact letter, full disclosure, no trickle truth etc). Start focusing on yourself, not him nor the marriage. Continue with therapy and build yourself up strong. If you are not working, get a job, have interests or pursuits out of the marriage. If you give him the gift of reconciliation too easily he will do it again. It tells a lot about his character rather than talk to you about your marriage he went actively looking elsewhere and let it go on for 3 whole months.
He needs consequences and it looks like there have been none, what happens when there is a down in the marriage again (it happens)? He needs to know what he stands to lose. Your rush to stay with him shows this. I suspect your sexual relationship is more to do with hysterical and trauma bonding than anything else. This will come back to bite you , please be careful


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is she married or in a relationship? If so, it would be a kindness to let her partner know so they can protect their health.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

As for the "what happens next time things get difficult" questions, that is dealt with in individual therapy and marriage therapy.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> i know he pines for her.


How do you know? And why do you feel his actions to seek an emotional connection with someone else are warranted?


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Do you have children?

One thing that keeps people from having affairs is a better understanding of the impact such things have on the family, and what they mean

I have two kids, and have been married 19 years. If I cheated on my wife, I wouldn't simply be betraying her--I would be betraying my kids as well. In such situations, people don't simply have affairs against their spouses, as it goes way beyond that.

But yes, when people grow apart and start having difficulties, resentments can build up. Then one, or both, start looking elsewhere for affirmation and affection

Even letting the marriage start to slide can cause issues. Years ago, I was having some problems in my marriage. Nothing major, but my wife and I were having difficulty talking. I felt she didn't fully trust me, was dismissing some of my ideas and concerns, and the sex had fallen off because of privacy (two teenage boys in house means very little privacy), etc. I found myself talking to one of my female friends about emotional / intimate things, and while nothing ever happened, I found myself thinking about this friend more than I should have been.

But I came to my senses, realized there was danger ahead, and quickly backed off. Worked things out with my wife, and now things are fine.

the positive things here are

1. He disclosed the affair to you --you didn't "find out" about it through a 3rd party
2. He has voluntarily ended it and apologized
3. If you do NOT have children, the impact is lessened (see above)

I think it is possible to rebuild this, but it is hard for sure.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Manner1067 said:


> But yes, when people grow apart and start having difficulties, resentments can build up. Then one, or both, start looking elsewhere for affirmation and affection


I find this to be true. If my husband and I are having long-lasting difficulties, I tend to get flirty with other men. Nothing ever comes of it, but it's true.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> we had disconnected, we we no longer intimate. our cuddles were rare and kisses non existent. we we just co-inhabiting and not living as husband and wife. i dismissed him and he dismissed me. he went through a difficult time and i wasn't emotionally there for him so he went else where. he met her online and he told me one morning because we were talking and trying to fix our marriage. it was working but the damage was already done on his end. he was guilty and he could see i was hurting. yes i did get checked and all negative. im 38 and we have been married 10 years


Ok good info to have thank you.

I really think that you need to step back from the rabbit sex and hysterical bonding that’s likely going on. No I didn’t say leave him, I said cool it for a bit. You are traumatized, you are reeling from what happened and this information, and you need time for your emotions and trauma to process before you throw yourself right back into reconciliation. 

Putting 100% of your effort into your marriage right now is the wrong move, you need 100% of your effort into healing from what he’s done to you first...That looks like individual counseling for the both of you and and some time to process your emotions, your hurt, your sadness, the betrayal. You cannot just NOT feel these things and hope they go away. You have to work on the trauma and the betrayal BEFORE you touch the problems with the marriage. It’s too soon for you to be examining those issues. He needs to be the pillar of safety for you while you process your emotions meaning he is accountable for his current bahviors to you which it seems is what he is doing currently. 

You don’t trust him, because you don’t have a reason to. That’s an easy one. Trust is earned, he has nothing to bank at this time.

What you’re really asking in your post is how to not feel things and get over it. Not gonna happen. If you want to know the best path to reconciliation, then you need to step away from your husband emotionally and physically, and process the trauma caused by what he did first. Then YOU figure out what you need from him to forgive and move forward and trust. And THEN you start working on your marriage. 

I will say it’s not his behavior and attitude at this point that concerns me... it’s yours. 
“how do I forgive him” “I won’t leave him” is not only unhealthy, it sets you up for failure in your marriage. He needs to know that treating you like garbage is unacceptable, that he has something to lose if he does. What are you telling him and yourself with that dialogue? Your dialogue should be “I need time and safety and space to process what you did to me. I need time to see IF I can forgive you.”; “I need the emotional and physical space to see your actions and figure out IF I can trust you again.” ; “I need you to answer these questions and let me process for several days.”; and guess what, when you process all this trauma and betrayal, you MIGHT decide later that you can’t forgive him, or that you can’t move past this. But deciding that you will, right now? That’s a mistake too. You are making decisions based on fear of losing him. And it just can’t be done that way. You have to be ok with losing him to see if there is anything left to save. 

You don’t even have yourself, let alone him convinced you find this behavior unacceptable. Work on that. Get into individual counseling now. Because at this rate, you may be with him, but you’ll never trust him, you’ll always wonder why you stayed. And you’ll likely see a repeat of this behavior from him in the future. You can read all the people who are in unhappy reconciliations on these boards... there are a few happily reconciled people too, but there were consequences and not just automatic acceptance that the cheating was “understandable”.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> My Husband had a 3 month affair which he disclosed to me at the start of the year.... hello 2021!!
> 
> I have chosen to stay, i love him and our marriage has been in a terrible place. Whilst an affair is not something i would have done, i understand his need for connection outside of our marriage. In the last 8 weeks, we have reconnected, we have been intimate both emotionally and sexually.
> But.... i know he had a connection with the other woman and i know he pines for her. he has cut contact with her and has repeatedly promised me he will not make contact.
> ...


Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. So I know some of what you are going through.

I suggest counselling as a couple, but only if the counsellor has expertise in dealing with infidelity.

Eventually things will improve. Forgiveness will come, eventually. Trust? Takes a long time. Years, in fact. And sometimes, if your formerly wayward spouse is late the thought: "I hope they're OK!" will vie with "I hope they're not cheating on me again!"


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AlyceInWonderland said:


> yes, he has told me who she is. i have seen her FB profile. he met her through a dating website website. she lives an hour away and somewhere we don't frequently visit so there is minimal chance of bumping into her. and he has to go out of his way if he were to meet her.


Which means he was going out of his way to meet and get with her. 

This took conscious decision making and effort on his part. 

Are you sure either of you are really upnto the task of reconciling?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Which means he was going out of his way to meet and get with her.
> 
> This took conscious decision making and effort on his part.
> 
> Are you sure either of you are really upnto the task of reconciling?


Agree with @oldshirt here, if there was a problem in the marriage, then it is for him to come to you and thrash it out, not go off and look for someone else, that is complete ********! 
You need to let OW's spouse know, he needs to write a no contact letter, leave that company, etc. No MC just do IC for yourself.


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