# No Love Left



## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I've been married for 22 years. I never worked for the first 18 years and he didn't let me spend any money. What took place was if I bought something for myself, he would always get angry and say, "what did you buy that for? You didn't need that, did you? You're gonna pay me back for that, aren't you?" 
I couldn't take it anymore and 4 years ago I started working part time. (Long overdue!) 
A few months back he threatened to cancel insurance on my car if I didn't give him the money for it. That, my friend, was the straw that broke the camel's back!
To make a long story short, this issue of emotional abuse has chipped away and hurt me until it's beyond repair. For more than two decades, he has been rude and controlling over money. And, no, it wasn't because I went out on lavish shopping sprees. And it wasn't because I was spending money we needed to pay bills.
I've talked with him for years. I begged him to give me money. I told him so many times how that hurt me. But he never listened, never changed. It was honestly like he treated me like I was talking to an empty room. He treated me like I never said a word, like he didn't hear a thing.
There is literally not a single good feeling in my heart towards him. I don't love him. I don't even like him. I can barely tolerate living in the same house with him. All I see when I look at him is a stingy jerk who chose money over his marriage. Who always sought his own opinions, while ignoring mine. I absolutely despise him; and can't even stand to hear the sound of his voice.
I have 4 children (oldest in college, and youngest is 11). I don't want to choose to try to find my own happiness, while forfeiting theirs. But I am now to the point to where I sleep in a separate room from him because I can't stand the thought of any physical contact with him. 
What am I to do? There is no love left; and it isn't coming back!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

So sorry. My wife detached from me for a lot less than that. It's starting to get better now though. I think as soon as you can, you need to get a full time job and start making plans, or another route is for both of you get counseling. You have a legit issue, and I hope everything works out for you.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Thank you for your reply. We have had a few counseling sessions within the past few years, but only with a couple of pastors. Not with any professional counsellors. I am not sure counseling will bring back the love that is lost. I believe being rude and controlling is simply who he is; and therefore will not change. It has been his personality for the lifetime of our marriage. It's as much a part of him as his fingers and toes. That said, it is who he is that I cannot accept and do not love.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

lynst said:


> Thank you for your reply. We have had a few counseling sessions within the past few years, but only with a couple of pastors. Not with any professional counsellors. I am not sure counseling will bring back the love that is lost. I believe being rude and controlling is simply who he is; and therefore will not change. It has been his personality for the lifetime of our marriage. It's as much a part of him as his fingers and toes. That said, it is who he is that I cannot accept and do not love.


I don't know if this applies to your situation or not, but I will tell what has happened to my marriage.

My wife hasn't worked for 20 years (since our first daugher was born). We chose this together as she wasn't making a lot of money and we wanted her home with the kids. Over the years, I have done pretty well and we don't need the money. She can buy pretty much what she wants and I don't normally say a thing.

My issue in our marriage is a lack of intimacy/sex. My wife's issue in our marriage is a lack of communication.

I don't like to admit it, but because of my resentment and anger over her withholding sex, I have made some pretty rude comments to her about money. Because she rejects me sexually, it makes me feel she is 'using me' for the money I earn.

She will make comments about me not doing anything around the house and I will 'remind her' that I worked 9 hours that day, while she was shopping and exercising. I know, not good, but the resentment and anger I feel about the intimacy issues sometimes gets the best of me.

My point is that you might want to look at how well you are meeting his needs (whatever they are). Maybe his comments about money are related to how you treat him and not really about the money at all.

Or it could be that he is a cheap jerk.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Do you have a joint account, or does he keep "his" money separate? If you are going to leave (and it sounds like you should), take half if you have access. Get copies of all savings and investment statements, paycheck stubs, etc. that you can - if you file for divorce, he may well try to hide assets and income. Also get copies of tax returns - especially if you don't review them - because this type of personality may also be a tax cheat (my wife's ex sounds a lot like your husband), and unless you can show you are an innocent spouse, you could be liable for unpaid taxes. Get a lawyer ASAP, too, if you decide to leave.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I did everything sexually for him for years; yet he still treated me this way. It is within the past few months that I have gotten to where I can't stand his touch.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

For years, I tried to let things go, and put it aside. For years I gave myself to him, while every discussion I had with him over marriage problems fell on a deaf ear. I felt used because he only showed interest in me in the bedroom. Ignoring my pleas and discussions out of the bedroom. Sometimes I would try to talk to him, and when I'd turn around, I would see he had walked out of the room. That spoke volumes on my importance to him! Ignore your wife any time she has anything to say, but she can't ignore you in the bedroom! I played that part for years, and I can't do it anymore!


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

We have a joint account which I do not touch. I also have a tiny account in my name only in which my $9 an hour is deposited.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Lynst, my mother was in the same situation for 48 years. My father was a control freak, she could not spend any money on her or the household. If anything got broken he would not repair it.She bought a juicer recently with money she scraped from the daily shopping and had to lie to him that I sent it to her.
Her washing machine was never fixed, her fridge was leaking, her garden had no fence. He never wanted to spend money.
I sent her money and bought her clothes.
He died in June and my mother is a different person, out of the prison cell after 48 years of mental and physical abuse.
The first thing she did was buy a new fridge and fence off the garden, got herself new shoes and a handbag.

I am sad for her and for you, although I can not relate as I am in the complete opposite situation-my husband could not care less about my spending, which is frugal anyway and I am the one trying to save.

I feel that you have had enough, you do not love him and you want out. I do not advocate divorce easily but you only have one life. My mother is 67 now, how much more has she got left I do not know?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sounds like it is over. Sorry, that sucks. I hope you have good IRL support (mom, sisters, friends?)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, lynst, I can tell you this: he is going to be coughing up his beloved money if you file for divorce. You have what the courts consider a marriage of longevity.

In most cases, spousal support is given for half the duration of the marriage, if it is needed. That means, someone married twelve years could be awarded up to six years of support, if the court deems it is necessary.

So, that means if a woman has been a SAHM and needs training to get a job, the husband will be ordered to fund that undertaking.

Here is where the big "however" comes into play. You have been married longer than 20 years. At this point, the court may very well decide you get a set amount for the rest of your life. 

If you are in a community property state, half of all his earnings from the time you married until you are divorced are yours. Not half of everything, which is what most people believe is what "community property" implies.

If you are not in a community property state, but an equity state, the court will still look favorably upon your situation. You made a very wise decision to get a job four years ago. The court will see that you are making a sincere attempt to get yourself in a better financial situation.

Your husband's love of money is going to cost him dearly should you file. You are in a helluva lot better position than you might think. Seriously.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

My state is a "marital property" state. Everything we/he has has been acquired during our marriage. There's nothing he has that I wouldn't be entitled to half of. I would hope to get a dissolution for the sake of the kids and for financial reasons. But for some reason, I believe he will fight tooth and nail against my getting half of "his" money and stuff.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lynst said:


> Everything we/he has has been acquired during our marriage. There's nothing he has that I wouldn't be entitled to half of. ... for some reason, I believe he will fight tooth and nail against my getting half of "his" money and stuff.


Well, yeah ... he WILL fight you tooth and nail to retain all of "his" money. So what else is new? You've been fighting over this issue for years.

The law is the law. No attorney in his/her right mind is going to fight this to the death in court. 

The ball is in your court. File and get the money or stay with your tightwad husband and suck it up.


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