# Sheesh ehm better named question about back door intercourse..



## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Just posted something with a question about ahum back door sex. It was closed, I guess I didn't use the proper words. 
I found porn on my boyfriend's computer, including #nal sex. He said he is not into that, neither did he ever had it in the past with ex lovers.
Still I do wonder if it's a wish of him. I have bowel issues, so it's not an option. 
Due to porn, it seems normal now, I feel guilty not giving this. And I do wonder, how many men would like it, if their partner would join in.
I hope this time it will pass the TAM control . Sorry if I described it wrong before :


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

THe problem with the post before was that you didn't put whether there was a problem you and your boyfriend were having, regardling anal sex or not having it. It was a poll, without a poll. And this one seems to be worded differently. Unless you are asking "should I believe that he REALLY doesn't want it, because he has anal sex porn on his computer"? If that is what you mean, then no, it doesn't mean he absolutely wants it. You said you have bowel issues, so that's a no go, regardless. If he loves you, then he respects that. So even if he WAS wanting to try it, he isn't going to say he does because he knows YOU can't. Make sense?

And no, not all men are even remotely interested in anal sex.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What is 'normal' and acceptable to some, isn't necessarily acceptable to others.

You should only have anal sex with your BF if this is something YOU want to do, not because some porn star is getting paid a lot of money for taking it in the butt.

If you have bowel issues, I would think carefully about indulging in anal sex and, most certainly, discuss it with your doctor first.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Come on, you know he wants it. But he's not going to say that to you. Especially if he already knows it can't happen. But I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that if you told him in the heat of the moment that you wanted to go there, he'd be right there with you.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. He's sparing your feelings because he knows it's a "no" anyway.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Thank you. As English isn't my first language, sometimes it is hard to put it right. So yes, I do wonder if he desires it and I cannot give that. And I feel less to other women, that do have it. It seems so common nowadays.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sheesh ehm better named question about back door intercourse..*



WorkingOnMe said:


> Come on, you know he wants it. But he's not going to say that to you. Especially if he already knows it can't happen. But I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that if you told him in the heat of the moment that you wanted to go there, he'd be right there with you.
> 
> Anyway, that's my 2 cents. He's sparing your feelings because he knows it's a "no" anyway.


Well, I'm a miserable partner then I guess....


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

catfan said:


> Thank you. As English isn't my first language, sometimes it is hard to put it right. So yes, I do wonder if he desires it and I cannot give that. And I feel less to other women, that do have it. It seems so common nowadays.


Sex is like a jigsaw puzzle with 1,000 pieces. You have your thousand pieces and other women (and men) have theirs. Sure, you don't have that one piece, but I suspect that you bring other pieces to the table that those others don't. The fact that he cares about you and didn't them is one piece you have that they didn't. I assume there are other sexual things that you do that others may not.

Now, there are some people who are completely vanilla with a long list of "don't do" things. If you're one of those, then you may have an issue on your hands.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

catfan said:


> Thank you. As English isn't my first language, sometimes it is hard to put it right. So yes, I do wonder if he desires it and I cannot give that. And I feel less to other women, that do have it. It seems so common nowadays.


It doesn't matter how "common" it is nowadays. There are still many women who have never had anal sex, and choose to never have it. I am one of those women. My husband has no interest in it either, which is good. But it doesn't make you any less of a woman because you cannot do it. Don't let that one act define whether or not you are a good partner. It doesn't. And as stated above, he probably does have, at the very least, a slight interest in it. But, because he (I assume) loves you, he doesn't want you to be upset over that ONE act.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> he probably does have, at the very least, a slight interest in it. But, because he (I assume) loves you, he doesn't want you to be upset over that ONE act.


I thought that's what I was trying to say. Not sure how she got "miserable partner" out of it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I thought that's what I was trying to say. Not sure how she got "miserable partner" out of it.


You did. But, as she stated, English isn't her first language. 
And, while I got that's what you meant, she may have interepreted the "he says he's not because it's a 'no' anyway" as being a horrible person because she can't do it. Did I explain that well? :scratchhead:


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## Rascal (Mar 29, 2013)

Again, I am amazed. Seriously, ladies, what is the problem? How is anal sex wrong and, say, oral sex right? or a hand-job? or whatever? I don't understand. A hole is a hole. What difference does it make? 

But, with that said, he should respect your decision, because he loves you.


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## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

Rascal said:


> A hole is a hole.


Is a hole.

QFT


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A-hole? Yes.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Rascal said:


> Again, I am amazed. Seriously, ladies, what is the problem? How is anal sex wrong and, say, oral sex right? or a hand-job? or whatever? I don't understand. A hole is a hole. What difference does it make?
> 
> But, with that said, he should respect your decision, because he loves you.


Hey, you like anal, more power to you. Not everyone does. Get over it. So you like giving and receiving. Again, more power to you. It isn't for YOU to understand when a couple decides THEY have no interest in it.

The OP has a legitimate issue which prevents her from engaging in anal sex. My husband and I are in AGREEMENT that it is not something that interests either of us. Many of the ladies who have posted against anal sex on other threads have tried it, and they didn't like it. Or, even those who DID like it for awhile, changed their minds when they tore really bad. 

Before anyone says "wow, Maricha, you seem really angry!"... No, I am not angry. I am annoyed. I am annoyed that yet another person seems to think that it's ok to dictate what others do and do not like... and what they are and are not willing to try. Not everyone likes the same things. Not everyone has the same boundaries. Get over it.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Rascal said:


> Again, I am amazed. Seriously, ladies, what is the problem? How is anal sex wrong and, say, oral sex right? or a hand-job? or whatever? I don't understand. A hole is a hole. What difference does it make?
> 
> But, with that said, he should respect your decision, because he loves you.


Yes, please. Get over yourself. If the couple decides they don't want to, who are you to question it. I'm amazed you like it. So what?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To the OP... When I was in my marriage, I resorted to porn to take care of my own sexual needs when my wife as my wife's drive wasn't nearly as high as mine. I watched a fair amount of porn that involved anal sex, and yes, I would have liked to have tried it with my wife. But we fooled around a little, she decided it wasn't for her, and that's where it got left. And I was perfectly fine with that. It had absolutely no bearing on my satisfaction (or lack thereof) in our sex life. A willing enthusiastic partner was MUCH higher on my "must have" list.

Since leaving my marriage, I've found a new partner, and we've had anal about six times in the last two years. It was fun (for both of us, as she claims), and it is "different". But it's not a "necessary" thing for me. If we broke up and I moved on, and my new partner wasn't interested, I'd be ok with that.

Just my $0.02 worth. As others have said, everyone is different.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

catfan said:


> Thank you. As English isn't my first language, sometimes it is hard to put it right. So yes, I do wonder if he desires it and I cannot give that. And I feel less to other women, that do have it. It seems so common nowadays.


It's not as common as you seem to think it is. Look up the statistics on it. 20% or less of women engage in it.


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## Rascal (Mar 29, 2013)

<facepalm> smack.

I think I see the problem. If it hurts when you are doing anal, then you are doing it wrong. When properly done, it does not hurt, but actually feels good. You need to use plenty of lube and you need to make sure you have loosened up your partner's hole first. This can be done through anal massage or using butt plugs. The trick is to get those muscles relaxed and loosed up before proceeding...


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sheesh ehm better named question about back door intercourse..*



Rascal said:


> Again, I am amazed. Seriously, ladies, what is the problem? How is anal sex wrong and, say, oral sex right? or a hand-job? or whatever? I don't understand. A hole is a hole. What difference does it make?
> 
> But, with that said, he should respect your decision, because he loves you.


It's not a hole for sex, it's an exit and it can be severly damaged. I don't say it's wrong, but the pressure by porn is obvious. Many girls nowadays grow up with the idea that it's something a girl should do. It should be a choice, not a development into a steady part of normal sex due to porn in nowadays culture.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

catfan said:


> It's not a hole for sex, it's an exit and it can be severly damaged. I don't say it's wrong, but the pressure by porn is obvious. Many girls nowadays grow up with the idea that it's something a girl should do. It should be a choice, not a development into a steady part of normal sex due to porn in nowadays culture.


Sadly, too many can't acknowledge that SOME men have no desire to stick it inside someone's anus... nor that SOME women have no desire to have something inside there. Go figure, everyone has different sexual tastes.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Rascal said:


> <facepalm> smack.
> 
> I think I see the problem. If it hurts when you are doing anal, then you are doing it wrong. When properly done, it does not hurt, but actually feels good. You need to use plenty of lube and you need to make sure you have loosened up your partner's hole first. This can be done through anal massage or using butt plugs. The trick is to get those muscles relaxed and loosed up before proceeding...


Dude, give it a rest. Not everyone is interested in anal sex. Get over it.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Sadly, too many can't acknowledge that SOME men have no desire to stick it inside someone's anus... nor that SOME women have no desire to have something inside there. Go figure, everyone has different sexual tastes.


Nor my wife or I are even remotely interested in anal sex...

It seems, people are trying to jam this down peoples throats as acceptable and if you don't do it there's something wrong with you...

We do just fine without it. 

A hole is a hole.


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## Rascal (Mar 29, 2013)

Thanks for the comments. I didn't mean to make any one defensive. It's interesting how quickly people can have such strong reactions to a simple straight forward question. As Mr Spock would say: "Fascinating."


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Rascal said:


> Thanks for the comments. I didn't mean to make any one defensive. It's interesting how quickly people can have such strong reactions to a simple straight forward question. As Mr Spock would say: "Fascinating."


You had a pretty strong reaction in favor of it. That's fascinating to me. You seem to imply that your fascination with people rejecting it is more rational.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Rascal said:


> Thanks for the comments. I didn't mean to make any one defensive. It's interesting how quickly people can have such strong reactions to a simple straight forward question. As Mr Spock would say: "Fascinating."


Simple straightforward question?
You specifically asked "Seriously, ladies, what is the problem? How is anal sex wrong and, say, oral sex right? or a hand-job? or whatever? I don't understand. A hole is a hole. What difference does it make?"

And when given the answers to those questions, your response implied that our responses were unimportant.

"<facepalm> smack.

I think I see the problem. *If it hurts when you are doing anal, then you are doing it wrong.* When properly done, it does not hurt, but actually feels good. You need to use plenty of lube and you need to make sure you have loosened up your partner's hole first. This can be done through anal massage or using butt plugs. The trick is to get those muscles relaxed and loosed up before proceeding..."

Sorry, but comments like that are very condescending. Even those who "do it right" have had that same problem. If that was not your intention, then I apologize for getting upset over what you said. There have just been SO many posts about anal sex where some have said, essentially "just give it up", totally disregarding the poster's misgivings and/or physical problems... Hope that made sense. :scratchhead:


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

T&T said:


> Nor my wife or I are even remotely interested in anal sex...
> 
> It seems, people are trying to jam this down peoples throats as acceptable and if you don't do it there's something wrong with you...
> 
> ...


It's not the throat they are trying to jam it down....


(sorry, couldn't resist)


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> It's not the throat they are trying to jam it down....
> 
> 
> (sorry, couldn't resist)



Well, a hole is a hole.... is a hole, ya know.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Rascal said:


> <facepalm> smack.
> 
> I think I see the problem. If it hurts when you are doing anal, then you are doing it wrong. When properly done, it does not hurt, but actually feels good. You need to use plenty of lube and you need to make sure you have loosened up your partner's hole first. This can be done through anal massage or using butt plugs. The trick is to get those muscles relaxed and loosed up before proceeding...


Over-generalize much?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Rascal said:


> <facepalm> smack.
> 
> I think I see the problem. If it hurts when you are doing anal, then you are doing it wrong. When properly done, it does not hurt, but actually feels good. You need to use plenty of lube and you need to make sure you have loosened up your partner's hole first. This can be done through anal massage or using butt plugs. The trick is to get those muscles relaxed and loosed up before proceeding...


The only time anal sphincter muscles are supposed to be relaxed and loose is when a person is defecating. Given that the OP has bowel issues, what you suggest isn't a good idea...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Or course, Rascal did also say in his first post that, if it wasn't the OP's thing, her bf should respect that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Or course, Rascal did also say in his first post that, if it wasn't the OP's thing, her bf should respect that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then he went on to imply that everybody else should not have a problem with giving it up, and if anyone does, they're a prude or irrational or something.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sheesh ehm better named question about back door intercourse..*



committed4ever said:


> Then he went on to imply that everybody else should not have a problem with giving it up, and if anyone does, they're a prude or irrational or something.


That is a bit what I mean, it's so common for men and women to see this in porn, it seems to be a part of normal intercourse. I don't want to say it's bad, but nowadays it seems some men expect it in the 'sex package'.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

catfan said:


> That is a bit what I mean, it's so common for men and women to see this in porn, it seems to be a part of normal intercourse. I don't want to say it's bad, but nowadays it seems some men expect it in the 'sex package'.


It's not. Not all men are like this, no matter what some like to portray.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

catfan said:


> That is a bit what I mean, it's so common for men and women to see this in porn, it seems to be a part of normal intercourse. I don't want to say it's bad, but nowadays it seems some men expect it in the 'sex package'.


I'd say less a matter of expecting it to be done and more a matter of seeing it as something that can be openly approached without an automatic denial, but discussion about whether or not it's something both partners would at least like to try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I would like to try the back door with my wifee and if she likes it, great and if she doesn't, never again, and no probs.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your problem is not anal sex.

It is that for some reason you are trying to convince yourself that you are inadequate.

Too many women decide they are inadequate, too fat, ugly, and then start using that as a reason to go non sexual and make their husband's lives pure hell.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Too many women decide they are inadequate, too fat, ugly, and then start using that as a reason to go non sexual and make their husband's lives pure hell.


:iagree::iagree:



Its quite simple actually. If the ladies want to lose weight, no talking about it and reading books. Go to a gym, cardio with some weights, eat smaller, lower calorie healthy foods and in a few years time, the weight will be gone. Fate is what you make in life. Or you can do nothing, get fat, then feel unsexy, sex drive drops and hubby is miserable..........


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Sheesh ehm better named question about back door intercourse..*



CuddleBug said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> Its quite simple actually. If the ladies want to lose weight, no talking about it and reading books. Go to a gym, cardio with some weights, eat smaller, lower calorie healthy foods and in a few years time, the weight will be gone. Fate is what you make in life. Or you can do nothing, get fat, then feel unsexy, sex drive drops and hubby is miserable..........


I am not fat, neither have no sex drive. It's his interest in anal sex I worry about. So women that don't want anal sex, must be fat with no sex drive, so make their partners miserable.

Sorry I don't see the logical in this!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The logic is this:

If your man tells you he is happy, then belive him.
If he tells you he doesn't want anal sex with you, believe him.
If he tells you he thinks you are great, believe him.
If he tells you you are beautiful, believe him.
If he tells you he is sexually satisfied with you, believe him (even if he looks at porn).


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

catfan said:


> I am not fat, neither have no sex drive. It's his interest in anal sex I worry about. So women that don't want anal sex, must be fat with no sex drive, so make their partners miserable.
> 
> Sorry I don't see the logical in this!


My wife won't do the anal sex thing either and I'm fine with that but she knows its something I'd like to try.

My wife has told me, she wants to wear sexy outfits and do sexual positions and more often but since she is a bigger girl, she is insecure, covers herself up and doesn't want sex much.

When you're in good shape, you want to show what you got, right? And usually want to try and do more things.

It's simple logic. Do fat / obese guys feel confident about their bodies and sex for their women? Same goes for women. Do fat / obese women feel confident and sexy for their hubbies? Seriously?!

Some do but most don't.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

OK this is ridiculous. The OP was about the fact that she saw the anal sex porn and was concerned about THAT because she can't do it. She has a physical condition that prevents her from even trying... whether she was so inclined or not. It's not about low sex drive. It's not about being fat. It's about her concern that he's possibly not happy without anal sex in their repertoire. Yes, CB, many fat people are self conscious about sex. I, for one, am not. I am willing to try just about anything if my husband wanted to. But that knowledge doesn't help OP. What DOES help her is knowing that many men here have stated that just because they watch a certain act doesn't mean they want to try it with their partners... especially when they know it's not possible, due to illness, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> OK this is ridiculous. The OP was about the fact that she saw the anal sex porn and was concerned about THAT because she can't do it. She has a physical condition that prevents her from even trying... whether she was so inclined or not. It's not about low sex drive. It's not about being fat. It's about her concern that he's possibly not happy without anal sex in their repertoire. Yes, CB, many fat people are self conscious about sex. I, for one, am not. I am willing to try just about anything if my husband wanted to. But that knowledge doesn't help OP. What DOES help her is knowing that many men here have stated that just because they watch a certain act doesn't mean they want to try it with their partners... especially when they know it's not possible, due to illness, etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad you aren't self conscious about size and I wish you could transfer that to my wife.

And true anal sex has nothing to do with size.

Can she not try anal sex for him? It's not like he's all the way inside her, just a little and see. Then decide if its not for her.

What fantasies does she have and would like to try with him?


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

catfan said:


> It's not a hole for sex, it's an exit and it can be severly damaged. I don't say it's wrong, but the pressure by porn is obvious. Many girls nowadays grow up with the idea that it's something a girl should do. It should be a choice, not a development into a steady part of normal sex due to porn in nowadays culture.


Please stop blaming porn for people wanting/enjoying anal sex. It is a part of our normal sex routine and it has NOTHING to do with porn. We didn't get the idea from porn or enjoy it because we see people in porn enjoying it. Yes anal sex is a regular act in porn but how does that pressure anyone into doing it? I'm not pressured by anything I see in porn. 

People usually choose porn to watch based on things that turn them on. If something isn't your cup of tea you usually don't choose to watch that played out in porn. If someone is turned on by S&M they usually pick that kind of porn. If they are turned off by it they don't watch that kind. 

If your husband is actively seeking out anal sex in porn then I think it is fair to say that it turns him on and yeah he probably does want to try it. On the other hand I have never met a man that said anal sex was a make or break deal in a relationship. I think most men aren't that obsessed with it that they can't live without it. If you don't want to do it don't feel pressure to just because he watches porn with it. I'm sure you not doing it doesn't bother him all that much or he would have brought it up instead of telling you he has no desire. He said that to spare your feelings on it and not pressure you because he obviously loves you. I would just let this go if I were you.

Maricha, the reason people are connecting her issue with being "fat" is because she is coming off as self conscious since it is something she sees in porn that she can't do. Like how most of us girls don't look like porn stars and it causes some people to be self conscious based on looks. It is taking porn and putting unrealistc expectations on yourself based on what you have seen and thinking that your SO wants that and exactly that when you can't provide it. Women just need to stop putting so much weight on what happens in porn and realize that it's entertainment for men and most of them can separate real life with someone they love from the porn they watch.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Please stop blaming porn for people wanting/enjoying anal sex. It is a part of our normal sex routine and it has NOTHING to do with porn. We didn't get the idea from porn or enjoy it because we see people in porn enjoying it. Yes anal sex is a regular act in porn but how does that pressure anyone into doing it? I'm not pressured by anything I see in porn.
> 
> People usually choose porn to watch based on things that turn them on. If something isn't your cup of tea you usually don't choose to watch that played out in porn. If someone is turned on by S&M they usually pick that kind of porn. If they are turned off by it they don't watch that kind.
> 
> ...


Totally agree and well said. :iagree:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I'm glad you aren't self conscious about size and I wish you could transfer that to my wife.
> 
> And true anal sex has nothing to do with size.
> 
> ...


Did you read her initial post? She stated herself that it is not possible, even if she was so inclined, because she has a bowel issue that prevents it. Glossed over that tidbit?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Those of you who think porn has nothing to do with problems with sex and marriage just need to search TAM for numerous posts where porn is/has destroyed marriages. Whether you like it or not, and whether it has harmed your marriage or not, there is NO denying that it has did damage to many marriages. 

Personally I DO have a problem with it and it would be a serious issue if my H was into that. I'm not saying I would want a divorce, but it would definitely be a permanent obstacle between us. 

As for anal sex, it's easy for the man to say he wants it. And I'm not buying that every man who wants anal sex does not mind somebody sticking something up your butt. Personally I'd get the biggest cucumber I could find and stick it up his, see if he likes it. Of course with lots of lube first.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Then he should drop the anal sex thing altogether until she gets better and then they try it or just forget about it. There are many other ways to have sex besides anal.


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Then he should drop the anal sex thing altogether until she gets better and then they try it or just forget about it. There are many other ways to have sex besides anal.


Sorry, CB, I'm with Maricha on this one. The way it was described in the OP, sounds like a chronic, not acute, condition. I do not know her specific medical info, but IBS is not considered curable - it is not something she can just "get over". People with IBS-related issues generally shy away from anal sex in general, as their bowel movements are very irregular. The condition also comes with bloating, and abdominal pain. Though she technically *can* engage in anal sex, it would likely be extremely unpleasant for her and possibly cause an embarrassing situation.

OP, as someone who is interested in trying anal with my wife, I can tell you that if he is actively seeking it out in porn, he probably does want to try it and probably does get turned on by it. However, as it sounds, he is okay with it not being included in your sex life. Take solace in knowing that he chooses you over anal, which means the lack of the particular sex act is not a deal breaker for him. You need to understand that and not feel so insecure. If he knows its a no-go due to medical reasons, and doesn't push the issue, just leave well enough alone - based on what you say, he doesn't sound dissatisfied without it.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> It doesn't matter how "common" it is nowadays. There are still many women who have never had anal sex, and choose to never have it. I am one of those women. My husband has no interest in it either, which is good. But it doesn't make you any less of a woman because you cannot do it. Don't let that one act define whether or not you are a good partner. It doesn't. And as stated above, he probably does have, at the very least, a slight interest in it. But, because he (I assume) loves you, he doesn't want you to be upset over that ONE act.


I agree it seems kind of nasty well at least you can't get pregnant just my opinion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Rascal said:


> A hole is a hole. What difference does it make?


Then put it in the one she prefers.

We have anal sex fairly regularly but if she told me she didn't want to anymore I'd be ok with that.

Of course he'd love it OP but it doesn't mean he's wasting away pining over the loss of it.


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Those of you who think porn has nothing to do with problems with sex and marriage just need to search TAM for numerous posts where porn is/has destroyed marriages. Whether you like it or not, and whether it has harmed your marriage or not, there is NO denying that it has did damage to many marriages.
> 
> Personally I DO have a problem with it and it would be a serious issue if my H was into that. I'm not saying I would want a divorce, but it would definitely be a permanent obstacle between us.


Porn generally only destroys relationships/marriages when one partner has a problem with it. If it was an accepted part of the equation, and no one got their feelings hurt over their partner viewing or masturbating to porn, it would not be a problem. 

The only other situation I can think of it truly being a problem is one partner prefers porn to their *willing* partner.



committed4ever said:


> As for anal sex, it's easy for the man to say he wants it. And I'm not buying that every man who wants anal sex does not mind somebody sticking something up your butt. Personally I'd get the biggest cucumber I could find and stick it up his, see if he likes it. Of course with lots of lube first.


Why is reciprocity a requirement to engage? Do you do nothing for your SO that you don't expect equal level of return from? 

Also, what's with this desire to "get the biggest [ x ] I could find" and use it on him? Not just from you, but many females on TAM have expressed similar desires. If it's for reciprocity's sake, should you purchase a Clone-a-Willy and use that? 

That being said, what is your answer to the man who does enjoy receiving anal play (at his wife's encouragement), and his wife still will not receive?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Daneosaurus said:


> Porn generally only destroys relationships/marriages when one partner has a problem with it. If it was an accepted part of the equation, and no one got their feelings hurt over their partner viewing or masturbating to porn, it would not be a problem.
> 
> The only other situation I can think of it truly being a problem is one partner prefers porn to their *willing* partner.
> 
> ...


It's not even about reciprocity. I would just want them to know how what you want so much actually feels. And yes my Husband gets BJ's with out me receiving anything in return. 

It would totally turn me off if my Husband wanted any kind of anal play. But that's just me. I'm sure there are many women who say no way I'm sticking a penis in my mouth and I would totally understand. I use to be one of them.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> Those of you who think porn has nothing to do with problems with sex and marriage just need to search TAM for numerous posts where porn is/has destroyed marriages. Whether you like it or not, and whether it has harmed your marriage or not, there is NO denying that it has did damage to many marriages.


Beg to differ. What there's no denying is that _one partner's misuse of porn (or sports, or gambling, or shopping, or....) in relation to their partner's boundaries_ has done damage to marriages. Porn itself does nothing to a marriage. It's mere existence does not impact a marriage.



> Personally I DO have a problem with it and it would be a serious issue if my H was into that. I'm not saying I would want a divorce, but it would definitely be a permanent obstacle between us.


By contrast, this is a far more fair and reasonable way of stating the issue. You take issue with porn, and thus its use falls outside your personal boundaries.



> As for anal sex, it's easy for the man to say he wants it. And I'm not buying that every man who wants anal sex does not mind somebody sticking something up your butt. Personally I'd get the biggest cucumber I could find and stick it up his, see if he likes it. Of course with lots of lube first.


Some of us, however, are more than willing to reciprocate in such a way. While some men find their self-perceived heterosexuality threatened by receiving anal penetration, prostate stimulation can be quite pleasurable. And, there's at least enough men out there who enjoy it that there's a cottage industry of toys designed for men's anal use. There's got to be enough buying them to make it worth the manufacturers' whiles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Beg to differ. What there's no denying is that _one partner's misuse of porn (or sports, or gambling, or shopping, or....) in relation to their partner's boundaries_ has done damage to marriages. Porn itself does nothing to a marriage. It's mere existence does not impact a marriage.
> 
> *this is the "guns don't kill people, people kill people argument. *
> 
> ...


If that's how you roll, fine. But don't try to sell that as the norm for heterosexual relationships.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Daneosaurus said:


> Sorry, CB, I'm with Maricha on this one. The way it was described in the OP, sounds like a chronic, not acute, condition. I do not know her specific medical info, but IBS is not considered curable - it is not something she can just "get over". People with IBS-related issues generally shy away from anal sex in general, as their bowel movements are very irregular. The condition also comes with bloating, and abdominal pain. Though she technically *can* engage in anal sex, it would likely be extremely unpleasant for her and possibly cause an embarrassing situation.
> 
> OP, as someone who is interested in trying anal with my wife, I can tell you that if he is actively seeking it out in porn, he probably does want to try it and probably does get turned on by it. However, as it sounds, he is okay with it not being included in your sex life. Take solace in knowing that he chooses you over anal, which means the lack of the particular sex act is not a deal breaker for him. You need to understand that and not feel so insecure. If he knows its a no-go due to medical reasons, and doesn't push the issue, just leave well enough alone - based on what you say, he doesn't sound dissatisfied without it.


Then my apologies and I wish her a speedy recovery.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> If that's how you roll, fine. But don't try to sell that as the norm for heterosexual relationships.


And you are projecting your issues with porn as the norm and it most certainly isn't. Just because you read threads on TAM of other women that have issues with porn doesn't make that the norm either. People usually post _problems_ they are having so it is only natural you will find negative porn topics. I don't know a single person in my circle of the world that has any issues with porn and we are all quite normal.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I can't say if you are right or wrong on if porn is the norm or not. I've seen any studies to support your claim. I have read articles on the destruction it has done to marriages along with the damage that masturbation along with porn has done to ability to maintain an erection
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So porn is just a male thing? Women are masturbating to it as well. Is there studies of how its affecting women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> this is the "guns don't kill people, people kill people argument.


Hadn't considered that comparison before, but - speaking as someone who thinks the US could stand a bit tighter control on firearms - I don't dispute the factual accuracy of that particular bumper sticker-ism. The simple fact if the matter is that it's not porn...not its existence, not even its presence in a marital home...that causes problems. It's when one partner utilizes it when knowing the other doesn't condone it, utilizes it to the neglect of a willing partner, etc. that generates or exacerbates problems within the marriage. Porn did no walk into the home on its own. Porn did not put a gun to one partner's head and force him/her to view it. Porn did not chain that partner down and prevent him/her from engaging in sex with their ready, willing, and able partner.



> If that's how you roll, fine. But don't try to sell that as the norm for heterosexual relationships.


I never said it was (or wasn't) "the norm." I merely pointed out that a segment of the heterosexual male population enjoys anal/prostate stimulation, while another segment either doesn't or is unwilling to experience it. The segment that does, however, is apparently significant enough that the companies who make products specifically for such activity are still in business and - one would assume - making a profit, even despite existing "female" sex toys' ability to be retasked for that same purpose. So, "the norm?" Maybe...maybe not. But probably more common than you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> I can't say if you are right or wrong on if porn is the norm or not. I've seen any studies to support your claim. I have read articles on the destruction it has done to marriages


Again, porn has done nothing to marriages. It's the partner (mis)using it that does the damage. Saying that porn did it smacks of absolving the offending partner of responsibility for his/her actions and placing the blame squarely on the proverbial shoulders of a genre of media.



> along with the damage that masturbation along with porn has done to ability to maintain an erection
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've heard of these studies, as well. Speaking only anecdotally, if they were universally true, I'd have some issues, as would many others who don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

OK, I am one who is against porn. My husband is as well. However, I don't believe catfan's intention was to start yet another porn debate. She seems to be OK with porn in general (unless I missed something?) So the discussion regarding whether or not it is bad isn't the issue. If she stated "I don't like that he watches porn at all", I could understand why some are getting worked up. But it's not. That said, it really is no surprise that this has turned into a porn debate.... again. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> OK, I am one who is against porn. My husband is as well. However, I don't believe catfan's intention was to start yet another porn debate. She seems to be OK with porn in general (unless I missed something?) So the discussion regarding whether or not it is bad isn't the issue. If she stated "I don't like that he watches porn at all", I could understand why some are getting worked up. But it's not. That said, it really is no surprise that this has turned into a porn debate.... again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the issue really stems from her extreme insecurities. Her other post about comparing herself to other women during sex is very enlightening. Speaking for myself, it would be very hard to stay "into" a woman who is constantly looking for a way to see the negative side.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> OK, I am one who is against porn. My husband is as well. However, I don't believe catfan's intention was to start yet another porn debate. She seems to be OK with porn in general (unless I missed something?) So the discussion regarding whether or not it is bad isn't the issue. If she stated "I don't like that he watches porn at all", I could understand why some are getting worked up. But it's not. That said, it really is no surprise that this has turned into a porn debate.... again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



OP does have a problem with porn, I agree I don't think she meant for that to be the focus but she put it out there. She is blaming porn for her husband wanting anal sex and she is blaming porn for her feeling like she should do it to keep him happy. But that isn't the fault of porn. Her husband isn't pressuring her to do it. She doesn't want to do it, then don't do it. Your husband isn't going to become unhappy or leave you because you won't do anal.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Soifon said:


> She is blaming porn for *her husband wanting anal sex* and she is blaming porn for her feeling like she should do it to keep him happy.


The fact is, he told her he doesn't want or need it. She's the one who doesn't believe him. She's worried that even though he says he doesn't want it, that he really does. These thoughts are fueled by her insecurities.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The fact is, he told her he doesn't want or need it. She's the one who doesn't believe him. She's worried that even though he says he doesn't want it, that he really does. These thoughts are fueled by her insecurities.


And, if he's not asking for it, I'd take him at his word. Many people often indulge in fantasizing about things they don't want to do for real. Words approximating "normal" have been brought up in recent posts...and fantasizing without wanting to do? *That* is most definitely normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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