# stay or go? PLEASE advise!



## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

Married 23 yrs, 2 teenage girls, in later 40s. Wife and I do nothing together, and it's been this way for quite some time. Unless it's a school function, we don't go... And we miss some of those. She never wants to do anything, have not seen a movie in years, can only remember going to dinner with friends once in the last 5 yrs. No sex in at least 2, in separate bedrooms for 6 months.

She has it pretty good, homemaker, but does nothing with free time. Organizes kids homework / school stuff, but does nothing with friends, no gym, typical day includes nap, wine at the end while watching QVC. 

Saw counsellors in 2010, and I've seen a couple of therapist / psychiatrists about her likely depression /OCD. ( mom definitely has these... She is living "learned behavior". 

Been wanting to get divorced for a while, have seen attorney and am verse versed in all aspects (I have reviewed or such a long time). Believe I am there, but it's tough to leave the girls and, well, little scary. 

Input appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You will not be leaving your girls. You have to change that mind set.

You and your wife will be divorcing and be living in different homes. Your daughters will be spending some time with each of you. Ask for 50/50 custody. There should be is no reason you cannot get it.

Have you told your wife that you need things to change or you are divorcing? Does she know that its' gotten to this point? 

IF you feel that you have done all that you can do to fix your marriage. Then do what you feel is right for you.


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## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

I see views, could really use more replies. Thanks.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I agree with Ele, you divorce your wife not kids. Kids have a way of knowing when things are not well between mum and dad. I don't believe in staying together for the kid's sake. That just makes everyone involved unhappy, including the kids. 

You can get a divorce and still be a great father. Kids tend to adapt well, just don't use them or put them in the middle of everything. Good luck.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I've been divorced from my ex, for 22 years and still see my 24 year old son every Sunday night for dinner and we are really close. What you make of your relationship with your children is all you. You never lose your "Mom or Dad" title, even in divorces. The most difficult thing is when the parents have two sets of "rules", because naturally the kids will drift toward the easier one, but as they grow up, they realize they need to have discipline & expectations.

My ex had full custody, but I saw them every other day and every other weekend, but her impact was greater than mine unfortunately. Hopefully your wife won't be an idiot enabler, if you divorce.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your choices are split now and co-parent to the best of your ability or stick around until the youngest leaves the nest. You must decide which you find the least tolerable and then do the other. All this is assuming that you have exhausted other options such as therapy and counseling, again assuming you want to try and save the M. Good luck.


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## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

I appreciate the replies. I absolutely should leave, and I can see why people have affairs... To have somebody to help them get through it. 

I am not going that route, but get very anxious at thought of being in apt by myself ( when the girls are not here) and losing the "safe routine of current life". The trade off of dealing with all of this would be the chance to meet somebody new. I don't know who that would be, but am confident it would happen at some point.. It's still, well, scary, makes me tight.

My wife knows I looked extensively at apartments, never makes attempt to talk about it (she is viewing being in the house w/o me, and being happy). I really think she wants as well, but the guilt of the "first move" she wants for me.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Needtodecide said:


> I appreciate the replies. I absolutely should leave, and I can see why people have affairs... To have somebody to help them get through it.
> 
> I am not going that route, but get very anxious at thought of being in apt by myself ( when the girls are not here) and losing the "safe routine of current life". The trade off of dealing with all of this would be the chance to meet somebody new. I don't know who that would be, but am confident it would happen at some point.. It's still, well, scary, makes me tight.
> 
> My wife knows I looked extensively at apartments, never makes attempt to talk about it (she is viewing being in the house w/o me, and being happy). I really think she wants as well, but the guilt of the "first move" she wants for me.


Isn't her lackadaisical attitude a passive first move?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It takes two to make a marriage work.

I'm not a big advocate of divorce but.........

You have to make a choice. Do not make a stupid and low class decision to have an affair!

If you can't make it work you don't have much of an option but to stay in it like it is or move on with your life.

Time doesn't stop for anyone. You're still young enough to make a better life.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

No one can tell you what to do with a few hundred words of context.

From what I've read you need to tell her you can't see a future together, that you want to move on amicably and you do care about her, your past, your children. You want to get along and work on a future you can both live with.

Then... you'll have to see what you want to do next. But, if you aren't working at loving each other I can't see how anything else will matter in the end.

I'm really sad, not for you or wife, only for children. Sorry to sound so bitter but your responsibility when you got married got lost, apparently by one or both of you.

At least your girls are older but I find most people cannot comprehend what divorce does. It's a hurricane that only downgrades to a storm now and then if you are lucky. 

If things aren't 100% amicable EVERYTHING in your life changes, the kids have to struggle explaining to their friends and relationships, picking holiday locations, where mom and dad sit for weddings on and on and on. 

I find some people, even on here are rather callous about divorce, that's their personality. If yours is pretty tough, it may not bug you at all to choose self over anything else. Maybe your situation warrants that - only you really know.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Why have you accepted a sexless marriage for 2 years?

What happened?

Why have you accepted living in two separate bedrooms? Who's idea is that? Why did that happen?

Need more, bro.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Needtodecide said:


> Married 23 yrs, 2 teenage girls, in later 40s. Wife and I do nothing together, and it's been this way for quite some time. Unless it's a school function, we don't go... And we miss some of those. She never wants to do anything, have not seen a movie in years, can only remember going to dinner with friends once in the last 5 yrs. No sex in at least 2, in separate bedrooms for 6 months.
> 
> She has it pretty good, homemaker, but does nothing with free time. Organizes kids homework / school stuff, but does nothing with friends, no gym, typical day includes nap, wine at the end while watching QVC.
> 
> ...


I may be wrong here. There are two lackadaisical people in the relationship, both being very passive. Asking for advice on how to go through with a decision is one thing, asking for advice on what is peculiar. It seems to me you have decided and want reinforcement.

What have you done to reignite the flame? When did it go out? Have you given up on yourself physically and mentally?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is possible that far away fields are greener but I would do some research on life after divorce, you may find that they are not so green.

You and your wife have let the marriage die, marriages are like gardens and require maintenance and sometimes bloody hard work. Any relationship for that matter requires work.

You have choices, bury the whole history and move on. You do not appear to have done anything to change the satus quo in your marriage. As Mort Fertel says, it only takes one spouse to start making changes.
Alternatively do something to rejuvenate the marriage. Speak with your wife and say we don't have to live like this for the next 30 years

Get MC for your both
Commit to working on it for at least 12-18 months'
Lay down milestones to be achieved

Then reconsider if you both want to stay or go.

Remember divorce has a huge impact on the family unit and the kids, regardless of their ages.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi,

By not engaging in an adultery if you make the decision to divorce a much better emotional impact on your daughters. Some points to considerL

A marriage is a partnership between absolute equals

With in the marriage there are necessary roles. They are to be determined by the partners themselves. Other then obvious biological 
Limitations involved with the creation of life, there are no set gender roles.

A marriage must contain a dynamic of mutual self growth.

Parents have an absolute responsibility for the health and growth of their children.

You have encountered the harsh reality of your vows. I hope this helps in your decision.


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## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

In terms of effort, I have earned my company reward trip the last 3 years ( free trip for you and spouse). Wife would not go with me, a combination of not wanting to leave kids, though teenagers, and simply but never wanting to do anything. (When I spoke to therapist a few yrs ago, they say "tell her she's going". Tried that for parties by RSVPing to parties, and she refuse to go, so I cancel late). I've found you can't "make" somebody go.

I went to Palos Verdes 3 yrs ago... It felt so awkward alone. So much so when I could not get her to go to Florida in13' and Scottsdale in 14', I chose not to go, making up excuses to manager.


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## Tall (Feb 19, 2014)

You don't say how old your teenage girls are. But what strikes me:

You only have a very few years left to teach them what a happy relationship looks like. The patterns of relating to your partner that you demonstrate these years will be fundamental in how your girls will approach relationships in their life.

If you are not happy, if there's no love between you and your life, if you don't have sex, if you don't smile and kiss and touch. Then you need to leave now, and you need to find happiness.

While you can still teach your children that relationships should include love. 

Right now, you are increasing the likelihood that your girls will experience unhappy relationships - you are teaching them to accept a way of normalcy that is not healthy.


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## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

14 and 17 thanks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You don't seem to want to answer how you got to the point of sleeping in separate beds and no sex for two years. Medical reasons? Anger? Resentment? Results of depression meds? 
If you want opinions, you need to back up with some background. There's got to be a reason that the person you loved and once did everything with, now wants nothing but a steady paycheck for housekeeping.


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## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

Resentment I would say (no single incident). She snores very loudly, so since the sex waned at least I could sleep. Depression has to be there, there is no motivation, zest for life.

If our daughter is studying late in the guest room, she will come in our room usually after I have gone to bed (believe naps let her stay up late and I go to bed, I go to gym early often) When daughter goes to bed, she will switch to guest room. 

Yes, it's like roommate, but with one provider. I encourage some work, part time, just to create a challenge. " taking care of the girls is her job"... ( the girls have no issues that require special attention, besides homework. She is good with that)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So this woman desires no physical affection from you of any kind? What would happen if you went into the guest room and snuggled up to her, said you didn't want sex, just to be close to your wife... What would she say? 
Why wouldn't you want to do that? Why wouldn't she? Something has to have happened.... 
You've exhausted all possibilities of getting some affection from her? If so, just get ready and leave. That's no way to live.
Just please don't cheat and if you do separate, wait a while to date until your mind is right. 
Good luck


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## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

The cheating won't happen, the question is 4 more yrs til kids are gone, or now?

Like somebody stated, "time stops for no one "


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