# at a cross roads



## postitnote (Jun 7, 2010)

Hi, I'm new to this but needed to share my feelings, hope thats ok. My wife had an affair and I'm not sure what to think right now. I know I am the only one that can decide if I should stay or go but I would like to get an unbiased, outside opinion on what has happened in my life. The time line of events is...
We started dating at the beginning of 2001 and it was both our first serious relationships. 
We helped each other through uni and I moved into her rented flat in 2004 after uni. 
I then proposed in 2005 and she said yes.
We got our own flat in 2006. 
She was working but it wasn't until 2006 that she got a job where she could use her degree. 

She met a young guy at work who she became friends with. I seen her chatting to him on msn around November and she wouldn't let me see her conversation, she told me they were just friends and accused me of getting jealous of her having male friends. I let it go thinking she was being honest but I knew something wasn't right. I was working abroad in December and when I got back I checked her old phone and seen a msg from him asking if he could kiss her. I was so shocked I never checked the rest of the msgs and when I confronted my fiancée straight away she grabbed the phone and locked herself in the bathroom with it, obviously I know now she was deleting other evidence. She then told me that she had him round and cooked him a meal and they watched a movie but nothing happened and the kiss text was a joke from work. I know now that it was on her work night out when I was still working abroad that she went back to his and slept with him. I knew something was up as she had lied to me about going out that night. She told me that she didn't want me to worry that she was out drinking, so lied to me saying she had gone home straight after the meal. 

I was getting more suspicious so I checked her phone bill and she had been texting him 300 times a month. She still told me they were just friends. I offered her some space and said we could have a break if that's what she wanted. Without me knowing she had slept with him, we agreed that she should never see him again and to still get married in 2007. I found an email not long after from her to him asking to meet up. She says they never actually met up though. I then found a pay as you go receipt and she convinced me that she got asked to buy a top up for someone else at work. She told me he was leaving work and that was a sign that everything would be OK. I also found a note she had written about being scared she was falling for this other guy, she says it was nothing and she didn’t mean it. 

We got married in late 2007. Then at the start of 2008 we fell out again as she lied to me again about bumping into him at her work night out. It turns out she had slept with him again after the Christmas night out again. This time I was home and when she came back at 5:30am she told me they went back to a work colleagues house for drinks, of course I was suspicious but didn't have any way to prove otherwise. I found out now that she had texted him, asking him to come out for their work night out. 

Late 2008 we moved into a house and decided to start a family, me still unaware that she had cheated on me. She met him when she was pregnant to tell him our good news. I only found out she had cheated when I found her other mobile phone in our baby change bag. She tried to stop me reading the texts and confessed then that she had slept with him twice. I managed to read the texts before she destroyed the phone and they were flirty and spoke about sex and her using her vibrator. They also spoke about getting a hotel and using a camera. She also called him our kids other daddy! She says the texts were just fun and they weren’t for real. 
There was also texts asking him to come to a wedding in august this year that I cannot make, it was an old school friend of hers and I wouldn't have know anyone so she could have taken him. 

She said she just like the attention and the texting and she wouldn't have met him or slept with him again which I find hard to believe. She also says she didn't realise what she had to loose and now its all clear and she doesn't want to lose it. Even though she says she only slept with him twice I find that hard to believe. I was working away a lot and she could easily have had him round more. 

Apart from when I caught her lying we did have some good times and never really argued but I'm finding it hard to deal with. I almost caught her 3 1/2yrs ago when she slept with him the first time but she lied her way out of it and persuaded me to stay but she bought a separate phone and kept texting and phoning this guy and slept with him again 3 months after we got married. Now I've found out the truth I feel trapped by our marriage and our kid. Our kid is only 8 months old and I want to see him grow up in nice stable family but at the same time I don't trust my wife and feel like I deserve better.

She is telling me that she is really sorry for what she has done and she feels like a failure. She says she will do anything for me and we should stay together so she can make it up to me. She doesn't want to let me down, her parents down and her kid down. She is threatening to kill herself if I leave as she says she will have nothing. She says she can’t afford to live herself and provide for our kid. She says has never been really close to her parents so she couldn't go and live with them as she has let them down. I'm sure they would be supportive for her as she is still there daughter. 

I can't trust her anymore and can't get over what she has done and how long she has kept it a secret. I tell her everything and can't keep a secret for 5mins. She says if she wanted to leave me should would have but we were due to get married and I don’t think she wanted to call off the wedding. If I hadn’t found the phone she would still be texting/meeting him. 

I am at a cross roads and don't know which way to turn. Any advice from people would be appreciated. Thanks for taking time to read this.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

What is it with this other guy? Can't he get a life. From what you have written I believe she loves you and wants to stay. Ao how do you straighten out this issue. As you will hear from others she is like an addict. She likes the high. She needs counselling, as do you. Therre are things you can do yourself to improve things. It appears he is filling a need or needs that you don't completely satisfy. My gut would says that is attention and affection.
My wife, who is in the middle of an affair and out of the house, travels alot with the other man. I should have been calling her when she was abroad. I should paid more attention to her in conversations. Your wife's friend is clearly listening to her. He wants to get in her pants so he will pay attention and give her that affection. She may not want the sex as much as the closeness. She is getting that addictive high each time she does it. Particularly behind your back.
Are they still working together? Then she should change jobs. 
I expect you will learn alot about yourself and her if you pay attention to what people will tell you here. I will stay in touch.


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## postitnote (Jun 7, 2010)

Thanks for replying, yeah think you have summed up what i thought. I would always try and see things from both angles when she was upset about something but all she wanted was a cuddle and for me to say it was ok. I think she got that from this other guy. She liked the feeling of being wanted and maybe after 6years that had faded in our relationship. 

They stopped working together in 2007, she did offer to quit her job but not long after that he got a new job and she told me that it was a sign and that it was all over and she would never have to speak to him again. Although she had another phone so she could keep speaking to him. 

She has lied to me so much i can't trust her anymore. I'm not sure i can give her another chance as she has had chances before when i almost found out in 2007 and 2008 and she agreed then never to speak to him again. She has never stopped speaking/texting him since she met him in 2006.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can understand your conflicted mind, but as you said only you can decide if you should stay or not. For my part I can say that I found out that after 15 1/2 years of marriage my wife had been covering up that she spent the last 3 years having 2 separate long term affairs on me. I did decide to stay and we have worked through it. We are both different people today, but our marriage is better than ever now. 

When you come through something like this you have to realize that you are not trying to get to a place where the relationship is "like it was before." You have to realize that in virtually every relationship where there is an affair there is something that has been lacking in the relationship that allowed this affair to fulfill something that was not being met in the wandering spouses needs. 

That does not mean it is our fault for the affair. If our spouse/fiance felt that way, knew that there was something missing or not right, or a hole in their emotions or needs being met, then they could have approached us, they could have sought vallid means of repairing that ... instead they fall into an affair with someone else, and get their needs met in an invallid, immoral way. That guilt is on them. 

But in order to repair a marriage there does need to be first some repentence and regret from the wandering spouse, but there also needs to be acknowledgement that there was something amiss in the relationship, and then a joint effort to rebuild the marriage/relationship. As I said we/you are not trying to get back to where things were, but rather to make it a new and better relationship, a new thing, that is rewarding and fulfilling for both parties. 

Can you get through this? Yes you can. And you can be happy again. It was hard for me, but I am so glad that I stayed, and I couldn't be any happier today than I am. I love my wife so much, and she feels the same. 

What does it take or what are some realistic expectations you should have if you are going to work through this? What are some next steps. 

Well *first* there does need to be repentence and regret from the wandering spouse and a willingness to try to repair and fix the relationship. It sounds as though you have that here. As a very important part of this there is absolutely to be NO CONTACT between here and the OM at all from this point on. No friendship, no conversations, ALL contact must be cut. 

*Second*, there needs to be transparrancy and accountability. That means that, acknowledging the wrong she has done and the trust she has destroyed you should have access to her emails/facebook/cell phone/etc so that you can check things when you feel the need to as you work to rebuild trust. For my part when this began I was checking these things daily. Now, 4 months later I very rarely check any more as our trust has been rebuilt pretty well and we are at a good place (we have been lucky enough to repair our relationship much faster than most do).

*Thirdly*, it would be very helpful and good for you to go to the Marriage builders site (here Marriage Builders® Questionnaires ) and take two quizes there ... there is a 'Love Busters' questionaire and a 'Emotional Needs' questionaire. The former deals with things in your relatoinship that stuff out or dammage your relationship and helps you see places where each of you may need to change to strengthen the relationship. The latter deals with your emotional needs and how you like and need to be loved. Everyone feels need for love, but we also all have different ways that we like or need to see it expressed. These are very, very helpful things for you to sit down separately and fill out and then come together to discuss your answers. It is recomended a lot around here, and I know that it really helped my wife and I in our process. 

*Lastly* you should probably seek out professional counselling to help you through this process. Some people avoid this, but it really is needed and helpful in solving these issues. I definately recomend it.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Does this guy have a life? Is he just stringing your wife along like he might be doing with other women? Have you been tocounselling? Does she have support from other friends or family to stop this? You are right to not trust her. Knowing what I know now I should have never trusted my wife. Not because she is not trustworthy but the nature of her job exposed to the threat of an affair. I failed to see the warning signs and demonstrate to her what she meant to me. After 15 years I got comfortable. At 19 years my wife is out of the house and may never be coming back. Not trusting her is a good thing for your relationship. How will you handle another red flag? Will you yell and scream? Will you grovel? Be strong. 
My wife had a second phone too. However It was all the texting on her regular phone that tipped me off. I loved being blind. I had 19, what I thought, were great years. That's better than almost everyone. Now an alien has taken over her body. It happens to almost everyone! You are not alone. She is not unique. But don't tell her that. Tell her she is special. Get the conversations going and keep them going. 
I see three types of conversations. Regular conversations about stuff. You can have long conversations that are just normal. Conversations about difficult things -- arguments. And love conversations. These can turn into arguments in a second. Try to have the first type of conversations with attention and affection. Look in her eyes. Put down the newspaper. Go for a walk. You need to make some changes and stick with them however stifling it may seem at first. You can make this work.


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## postitnote (Jun 7, 2010)

Thanks for all the advice so far. Sorry it's happened to you as well, I sympathise, I guess some people come out the other side with an even stronger marriage and some people just can't get over it. Hopeinhouston I will check out those links you sent, cheers. 

The guy is bit younger and does seem a bit of sleaze and I'm sure he was just giving my wife the attention she wanted so he could sleep with her. It seemed like his interest faded when he got to sleep with her but my wife wanted the attention to continue and she was the one texting him anything to get a response. She said she just wanted the attention and didn’t actually want to sleep with him – but she did twice! 

We have been to one counselling session but it was just talking about what we had talked about before so the counsellor could understand. I'm not sure we got much extra out of it. My wife might go herself; she also went to the doctor to see if she was depressed. She gets highs and lows and texting him was seemingly a pick-me-up for the lows. Although cheating on your husband seems an ironic high. 

She maybe doesn't have the support from friends and family, she never wanted to tell anyone before when I almost chucked her out and she feels too ashamed to tell everyone now. She did confide in one friend at work and supposedly cried to her when she cheated the second time. It didn't stop the texting/meeting though. I’m worried she only wants me now so no-one finds out about her affair. She doesn’t want to let anyone down, she has always worried about what other people think. 

I got all the warning signs but I confronted her about them straight away and she lied about them to me then found another way to contact him. She convinced me I was over reacting plus I didn't want to believe she was cheating. It is all so obvious now and I’m kicking myself for not noticing before now.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

postitnote said:


> She maybe doesn't have the support from friends and family, she never wanted to tell anyone before when I almost chucked her out and she feels too ashamed to tell everyone now.


If you are talking about revealing what happened to others I strongly advise against this myself. In cases where someone does not want to admit there is/was an affair and is unrepentent about it, then revealing is a step that may be needed to bring the person to repentence. 

If she is truly repentent though (and from what I'm reading it sounds as if that's the case) then there is no need to damage her character in front of other people. Personally, in our case, there is a very small number of people (her two sisters, our pastor and his wife) who know. No one else knows, and I pray that no one else ever finds out. It's not anything that anyone else needs to know. I value my wife's character and don't want other people looking down on her. 

Now, as I said, if someone is unrepentent and unwilling to work on things and wants to deny that it happened - those sorts of things, then revealing may be needed. Otherwise it really can do more harm than good. 



> I got all the warning signs but I confronted her about them straight away and she lied about them to me then found another way to contact him. She convinced me I was over reacting plus I didn't want to believe she was cheating. It is all so obvious now and I’m kicking myself for not noticing before now.


That's very common, almost universal. 6 months before I really found out, I had a feeling something was going on and we had a big blow up and I confronted her but she denied and I bought into it. Many times (as in my case) even after the "reveal" there is more that will later come out. For instance in my case it went from:

1. no there is no one else
2. yes there is, but it's never been sexual
3. yes, it was sexual and has been for awhile
4. it wasn't just this one, but there was another before that ... 

As I said ... it's common for the wandering spouse to stonewall and/or not reveal everything at first. There are many reasons for this - guilt, fear of losing the spouse (if they are trying to stay in and fix the marriage), pride/self interest in not wanting to admit how wrong they were and how far they went, etc, etc ... 

I say this just to say that what you have experienced is normal, it is how these things generally work.


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## postitnote (Jun 7, 2010)

I do agree with what your saying about not telling anyone if she is repentent and if we did work somehting out it would be very akward if everyone knew, especially for her around my family and friends. 

However how do i know she is repentent for the right reasons? she may just be saying all this...
1. so no-one else finds out she is a cheat and liar
2. Because i can support her and our kid (she doesnt earn much)
3. Because she would loose our house (she is worried about not being able to affored her own place and having to live in a flat in a poor area) 

she has always worried what people think and I'm worried thats the reason she is staying with me. 

She has always lied to me and even when she said she would stop she lied 3 days ago about what she was looking for upstairs. She then tried to turn it into a joke! It wasn't a big lie but she is still lying to me. 

I will never know the truth about what happened and yes like you said happened to you i'm worried more will come out in the future. She only told me the truth when i found out about the other phone which had enough texts on it for me to work out the truth anyway. 

I was pretty niave about it all, i always though affairs only happened to other people. It has helped venting my frustration on here.

She wants me to try by giving her a year to allow the anger to fade and so she can prove how great a wife/mum she can be. She wants to get help and for us to join a gym etc. 

At the moment I'm not sure i want to waste any more time with a cheat and liar, she has had a chance before and now if i take her back again I feel like i've just let her walk all over me.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

postitnote said:


> She wants me to try by giving her a year to allow the anger to fade and so she can prove how great a wife/mum she can be. She wants to get help and for us to join a gym etc.


That's not a bad plan. In our case it was 6 months ... not just 'staying around for 6 months' but it was an agreement to actually try our best, give it our all for 6 months. It wasn't easy at first and took awhile to work into it, but it has worked wonders. 

Also what she says about joining a gym or something is very good. It doesn't have to be a gym, but if you are going to work this out you guys need to find a mutual activity that you can be involved in together. This shared time is very important ... not just in healing from an affair, but in having a succesful marriage for anyone period. In the case of my wife and I it turned out to be dancing. We go out dancing once a week (luckily our oldest son is 16 and therefore more than capable of watching our 2 younger kids). We do other things as well, we love to go walking together and stuff like that. But it's important to find and cultivate mutual interests. 



> At the moment I'm not sure i want to waste any more time with a cheat and liar, she has had a chance before and now if i take her back again I feel like i've just let her walk all over me.


As I said I can't tell you what you should do, that is up to you to decide. One thing I would like to point out, and I believe that I mentioned it above but I think from what you say here I need to really stress it again. 

I can really sense your hurt and anger, and that is very understandable, and something I can definately sympathize/empathize with very much. However, and I might be wrong here, but I also sense a bit of an accusatory almost self-righteous attitude as well. Again, please don't take this as attacking you in any way ... I was and am you, I understand where you are. 

But here is what I want to stress very much. In virtually every situation where there is an affair - 99.9999999% of cases - there were factors in the marriage/relationship which were missing which caused the hole in the wandering spouse's life. If this marriage is going to be fixed, it's not just about them repenting and begining to earn back our trust - though that obviously is crucial and central. 

But we have to acknowledge that there were areas where we were either neglecting our spouses or treating them poorly, or not meeting certain needs of theirs. This may have been conciously and knowingly on our parts, or it may have been completely innocent and unknowingly, and there just wasn't a basis of communication where we realized these things. 

Now please understand. What I am NOT saying is "it is your fault she cheated." That is NOt the case at all. The blame and guilt for her wrong actions are all hers. But we do need to realize that the vacuum or emptiness in some part of her that she felt led her down this path did begin from something of a shortfalling in our relationships. 

In other words, to heal our marriages WE have to change as well. I am a completely differnet man today than I was 6, 8, 9 months ago. 

That is, in part, one of the benefits of those questionaires I linked you to before. The emotional needs quiz can help us see how each other need to feel and experience love, and maybe there are areas where we were not doing well enough there. In my wife's case there were issues of help around the house, of communication and of security that needed to be addressed. 

The other questionaire (Love Busters) helps us to see the things we do that hurt our spouses that we may not have even been aware of, ways that we hurt our love relationships. That is also useful and revealing. 

Anyways, I just want to say that hurt and anger are very understandable. But we also need to be humble at the same time, and if we are going to resurrect our marriages (and mine is a living testimony to the fact that it is entirely possible. I am so happy in my marriage today I can't express it).


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

I am starting to think that we should listen to our guts more. I always felt my husband was unfaithful. Even before I married him, but just like you. I married him anyway. I had two kids with him. I can't give you advise. I'm sorry. I can tell you that I understand how you feel. It is a cross roads. I'm there too. Everyone knows what you should do, heck.. even you know what you should do. You just can't. The thing is, you don't have to do anything right now. People will tell you that you only have two choices. One, put up with it or two, leave. That's not true. You have a lot of choices. Don't leave before you are ready. Take some time to yourself. Re-examine your feelings for her. Why did you marry her when your gut told she she wasn't as into you as you are to her? What does she have that keeps you around? Why do you believe her lies? Do you really think she wants to change? Can she change? Is she worth it? Do you want to be that person who lives each day in fear that the person they love is going to crush them into a million pieces again? When you can answer all that, let me know. I can't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I believe in having her tell her parents. Why? Because seeing the pain in their eyes as they acknowledge her weakness can be a VERY powerful motivator for her to straighten up. The humility - REAL humility, not the fake humility she has to use on you to keep you from leaving - will give her a cold glass of water in the face as to what she has done. 

Plus, by finally getting it out in the open with them, she can now go to them and be honest, and have someone else to help her through this. 

I really believe that people who cheat and who don't face this cold reality of exposure will almost always go on to cheat again; they just didn't suffer any sort of consequence. I liken it to a kid stealing candy; if the parent finds out and just says 'don't do that again!' - is he likely to steal again? You betcha. If the parent takes him back to the store, makes him apologize, makes him look the owner in the eyes and admit what he did, and see the owner 'knowing' him, and makes him work off what he stole, will he steal again? MUCH less likely.

To take her back, she must:
Write him a No Contact letter (not a love letter) where she tells him that her family is more important than him - YOU read it and send it yourself. This is a mental issue, her shaking him off officially.

Give you passwords to all computers and phones and agree that you can look at them any time you want, without her fighting you.

Get her to sign a postnup agreement wherein, if she cheats again, you two immediately divorce and she relinquishes all rights to your marital property.

Put a GPS in her car.

Attend counseling of your choice to a point where you feel the marriage has improved, up to a 2-year period.

If she can't do these things, she's not serious.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I am glad we could be of some help. Keeping the promises you will be making of satisfying each others needs will be difficult. But stay focused. The regular counselling will help you maintain that focus. Don't stop just because things are getting better. ou must maintain yur equillibrium.


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## postitnote (Jun 7, 2010)

thanks for all your positive advise. I still can't move on and try and make things work. I keep going over the past, she had a chance before when she agreed to stop speaking to him and she didn't take it. I don't feel like she deserves another chance. I'm scared there is more than what she is letting on. There are to many unknows, i no i will never know the whole story and i can't get past that. 

She really doesn't want to tell her mother. I think it would help as then she can get support for her and our kid from her, rather than trying to cope by herself. She is worried of letting her mum down and scared her mum will dis-own her but i doubt that would happen. 

How do i get closure on this? I feel like punching the other man, but I know that would just cause more trouble.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her mother. If nothing else, her mother may be able to 'advise' her daughter so she may avoid destroying more lives in the future, even if you don't want her back. As a mother of a young adult, I would want to know if my daughter was doing that.


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