# Thinking of ending the marriage



## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

After a long run of around 15 years almost, I think I want to end my marriage. Theres not really a lot to divide in terms of equity and I really don't care to much about money so its not that this is a primary reason not to. I love my son but I simply cannot be with my wife anymore. 

There is no function left in our marriage and frankly I really don't want to put any effort to save it at this point. She is frequently I'll and the only reason I haven't left yet with my son is becuase there is no way for her to survive unassisted. I shouldn't be in my mid 30's and facing such a situation,however rarely does life care about what we want of expect. 

So I need to honestly ask, how easy is it to get custody of young children We have only 1 and he is under age 5. I am delibrately being vuage becuase I want some solid advice on how to proceed. 

But sort of to recap generically. 

She has a life long illness which is culminating in a very sexless, depressing marriage and she has frequent anger issue and is becoming more manipulative. I attribute this behavior to her health issues which long term often lead to mental instability.I frankly just don't have the emotional energy to care anymore about the situation. Before we had our Son I could manage but I can't be a dad, the sole bread winner, run a bussiness and raise a child and deal with her emotional issues with her illness. There simply isn't enough of me to go around and frankly I am not strong enough to do it anymore other then to passively sit back and just let the clock tick down. 

The other thing is that invariably I will end up as a single parent sooner then later. Might be tommorow could be 10 years, very difficult to say. My geuss is 2-3 years, but by then my prospect for finding a new wife will be worse as I will be older and the last of the good pickins will be gone. 

I just never envisioned my life turning out this way and I do feel guilty about considering a divorce but I need to move on and my son needs a father who wants to be home without having to worry about interacting with his mother. I just can't do it anymore. She can live with her mother or father while the time counts down. I think its unfair of her to ask me to put my life on hold to be honest and given that our son is still pretty young, he can move on and accept a new "mommy" and still have a hope for a normal life. 

I geuss I am just feeing like a big mess but I have been reading here for days, I am glad that I am not alone and I look forward to your consoul.


Some of my primary reasons for wanting the divorce are as follows. 

1. she is verbally abusive to our son. She also coddles him to much and he is falling behind many normal developmental milestones. 

2. her mother is currently staying with us, a situation I find detestable. She refuse to have her move out. My suspcision about why was answerd a few weeks ago when I started checking in during the day and found grandmom awake and her sleeping. The reason her mother live with is for day care. I also do not care for her parent style and blame her for a large number of her duaghters behavioral issues as of late due to being a enabler. 

3. I don't want to be a widower at 40 trying to get remarried. Its just that much harder at 40 then at 30. Simply put. Its not fair to ask me to again sacrifice more of my life when I have already sacrificed to much. At least IMHO. 

4. I don't belive there is a good result with raising children growing forward. Especially one who looks to have some rather big needs, is oppositional defiant at a young age and seems to have speech issues and some other cognitive issues. You cannot be sick and impatient raising such a child. 

So basically I just think I need someone to reassure me that I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to be a succesful parent and for wanting someone in my life who apprciates me and the controbutions I make. 

No I am not thinking about nor having a affair. In fact the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but if you have been with someone with frequent health issues you can unerstan that sex isn't something that happens alot and frankly while its a complaint, I can understand that. Its her other behaviors which I have grown weary of. 

anyways I just need some help figuring out where to start.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think you have a hard assignment here and there are no good options to choose from.

I would contact her primary doctor to see if there are possible ways to have direct care assistance covered by insurance.

But the sad truth is that you may need to divorce her to avoid going bankrupt from her medical expenses in her last few years of her life.

Divorce in this instance may not mean the end of caring. At some point you just have to put a limit in place of what you can give.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Atholk said:


> I think you have a hard assignment here and there are no good options to choose from.
> 
> I would contact her primary doctor to see if there are possible ways to have direct care assistance covered by insurance.
> 
> ...


 I agree, sorry for the sort of rambling post. theres so much to talk about and a few key points of discontent currently but its just everything anymore. 

As to her situation for medical insurance she has SSDI/Mediciad/Medicare she qualified thanx to some fiarly good accounting on my end a few years back when our insurer droppped us due to her growing medical bills. 

Once upon a time I loved her very much, but these past 7 years I have watched the person I loved, and still do love, disintegrate into someone who is no bitter,anrgy and just plain mean. I had to do the man up thing about 5 years ago and to some degree I am ready to accept the loss when she dies. I just feel so conflicted about walking out on her towards what is a very near end. Walking embelism or heart attack best describes the current situation and with her health isues her mental health is deteroiating rapidly. 

I geuss it would just be comforting to hear that I am not a evil ******* for wanting to move on with my life while I still have enough youth to really make the most of it. As it sits now my sons will be graduating from college in my mid 50's. I would certainly like to have at least one more child before I get older and thats not a option in my current situation. 

I just feel conflicted. For my sanity I know that I need to do this, but my heart breaks at the thought of doing such a thing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What does your mother in law say? Can't be easy on her either.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> What does your mother in law say? Can't be easy on her either.


 You know I don't really talk much with her. I don't have much to say and she is a enabler for some pretty wickedly bad behavior at times, like temper tantrums. Sometimes its like dealing with a teenager. Honestly I thought her behavior was much better when they were seperated by 3000miles.You have to understand that Juvinille Diabetes often brings out the worst in parents and children, not the best. Not to mention that sugar level swings amplify any problems that may be underlying. Essentially I have reached the end of my rope with th situation and that her declining health, poor glocouse control and overall attitude towards me is not something I am really willing to reconcile. I really think I just needed a place to talk this out.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe you can work out something with them to be with each other w/o you. Are there any public or charity resources you can leverage. Some foundation?


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Maybe you can work out something with them to be with each other w/o you. Are there any public or charity resources you can leverage. Some foundation?


 Actually I spoke with her uncle and her aunt about this several months ago. How stressed I am and whats going on. I will not let her take my son though, she simply isn't fit to be a parent. I can find no place for her mother "which flatly doesn't bother me" to go but her aunt "mothers sister" and uncle are willing to let her stay with them. The under stand what I am going through and they offered, I have known them for 25years its how I met my wife. I played sports and went to school with their kids. Her uncle and aunt have flatly said that its ok for me to move on with my life.

I geuss I should stop feeling guilty, and I just can't carry this burden any further. I have to be available for my son who is going to be a difficult child. 

I have places to put me wife, the issue then becomes me rearranging my life, selling my bussiness and becoming a full time dad for at least the next 24 months till he hits kindergarten and then working enough to kep our heads afloat. I make good money in my field and I could do a 30hour work week.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's okay to go.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is difficult kind of cold to leave her and take her child away from her when she is dying. How much longer does she have? You are abandoning her because you think you are missing out on good pickings. 

It does not matter what anyone else thinks, if you can take her son and live your new life because you can't wait for her to die then go. You don't want to miss out on the best pickings among women. I wonder if a good caring woman, capable of love and devotion would want to become involved with a person who abandons a dying wife and takes her son from her and with draw financial assistence. Like attracts like so, you will probably find a women who is like you and won't mind associating with a man like you because she would do the same to you when you become too much trouble. 

Find out if your wife can take meds for her disease associated mental disease. You might consider that rmoving a child fom his dying mother would be psychologically damaging to him. Why take her child you leave he needs his mother. Children dont stop loving a parent just because are sick, that's the beauty of kids, he still loves her and will be devastated by her death. You might think of that before you take him away to peruse your new life. 

Sometimes life gives an oppurtunity to give unselfishly, honor a commitment, to do what is best for those that are dependant on you. If the tables were turned I bet you would feel ill used if your wife left you and took your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

First, let me say I am a mom and I have serious medical conditions. My son has JRA, asthma ,adhd,TMJ, and aspergers. My daughter has adhd and because of the meds we tried she battles on the. Edge of an eating disorder. These health issues drag me down on a daily basis. It is hard enough coping with my stuff and dealing with theirs but I do it because I love them and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The thing that strikes me about your post is the way you sound towards your wife. Well she is gonna die, I need a replacement and the younger I am, the easier that will be cause my son needs a new mom. First, forty is not old and ancient. Second, your wife is dying. She probably manipulates and coddles her child for this sole reason. She is angry at the world, and she will not see her only child grow up. Will her kid remember her? Will he reemember she loved him? How does she keep a bond with him? She needs to get to counseling,maybe meds in order to deal with her situation. 

If you have no love at all for this woman and you know there is no way to reconcile this marraige then you should leave. But if you love her but can't stand the situation you are in, get control. First, MIL needs to go. If your wife is sleeping during the day,not because of her illness,she is most likely in depression. Her mom is enabling her by taking over the care of your son and your house. This is your home with your wife. I would talk to wife and say she goes or I go! You need to explain the reasons why. Your wife most likely will not want this changed as she is getting the benefits from it. That is why she needs to go to counseling and and stuff for a few weeks before you talk. Talk to MIL, this is your home,your rules tell her what you want changed.

After you have made the effort to change the situation to be as bareable as it can be, and you still feel your only out is to leave then do it. Explore all your options before doing so. Her death will be hard on the child and you don't want guilt following you on your next course in life.

I understand the sex issues, sadly I. Do not have a sex drive mainly due to meds,but there are emotional issues as well. Resentment that hubby has not taken an active role as a parent, financial pressures, meds, and tired all add up. Things have changed lately as I am voicing more of my needs and we talk more and more. My meds have been adjusted and although I am not as frisk y as he would like, he is benefiting morefrom it and he is satified.

Coming from being ill myself, don't leave because of the situation. She didn't ask for this and she. Is probably just as upset over the situation. Right now, MIL is enabling her so that has to be controlled or it will get worse. I am all for you married her for better,for worse,and sickness and in health,but I have seen and felt the toll of a sick loved one and know how you feel. It is not a situation anybody wishes for. I just ask that you try every avenue to make her last few years happy,if it doesn't work then leave knowing you did all you could.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you can sell your business and stay home to care for him for 2 years, why do you have to divorce to do that? Send the MIL to the other relatives and do it. 

I cannot imagine a good woman having any respect for a man who left his dying wife and took away her child. It would truly be a morally reprehensible thing to do. 

When stuck in a really bad situation like this, an adult doesn't just up and leave. S/he does what can be done to make it better, and then takes pride in loving the dying spouse and doing the best you can to live in happiness as the process unfolds. 

Start counseling so you can discuss how the illness has changed her and what you can do to intervene with your son, to address her verbal abusiveness. Some joint sessions may be in order.

If you haven't been getting outside emotional support, this may be why you are considering such a drastic option. You really need support, so get it. Counseling, support groups, respite care, whatever. 

As for the inability to have an otherwise normal relationship with your spouse--no one cares if you get some of your needs met outside the marriage, discretely, during this time. If the alternative is to divorce and take the child, it would be better for your wife and child for you to find an understanding gf--may be just a friend, at first. 

And btw, no court is going to allow you to take the child fully away from his mom under these circumstances, anyway. It would be so cruel to both of them. You will be tied to your wife until her death; you cannot just walk away and cut ties like you seem to think. 

If you can stay home for 2 years, get counseling, and plan for a return to work in 2 years, then do it. You can make a lot of difference being at home and more fully participating in the care your wife and child need. Use every single resource available to you to carve out time for yourself, too, and don't feel guilty about what you do when you are away from home. 

There are so many solutions other than the drastic one you propose. It sounds like you want to go from no support to no responsibility (for your wife), and i think the swing is due to how you haven't tapped into support networks for yourself during this difficult time. At least, I don't want to think you are as heartless and selfish as your proposed plan makes you sound. Yes, you have a right to happiness, but abandoning responsibilities to find happiness is just flat out wrong. It is not your choice to be in this situation, but it is your choice to handle it with grace and dignity, or not.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

There's nothing he can do for a diabetic that refuses to monitor their blood sugar. She's actively choosing suicide and the expectation that he stick around and assist her is cruel.

Sounds like she needs a skilled nursing bed somewhere.

This is simply not anything he can do by himself.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Atholk said:


> There's nothing he can do for a diabetic that refuses to monitor their blood sugar. She's actively choosing suicide and the expectation that he stick around and assist her is cruel.
> 
> Sounds like she needs a skilled nursing bed somewhere.
> 
> This is simply not anything he can do by himself.


 There is so much more to the situation to. Its not a matter of just one factor and it certainly isn't a lack of love. Its just the reality of the situation. Our son is suffering from her inability to do what needs doing, her diabetes has reached a point where she has had a kidney transplant and her health is declining. 

I have stuck with this women through more then most would ever do, her family will hold zero resentment towards me for doing this. I know becuase they told me that its no longer my cross to bear and that they would do what they could. 

Her behavior is quickly regressing to a less and less mature state all the time. If I had to rank her current mental maturity age 14-15 would be where she is at today and she is regressing faster all the time. She has had at least 2 strokes I can document. I can't be everything to everyone but I can do what I am capable of and her noncompliance is what has landed her in the health position she is in outside of genetic factors. While she might be a caring mother, she isn't being a good mother.a huge distinction, loving your children is not enough. It certainly wasn't enough for my mom and while I think given the circumstances and timing of my fathers death she did ok, it certainly was not a ideal situation.

I grew up with a single mom and I don't really think I want my son to grow up with a single dad. The real reality is that she is reaching the dwindles stage of her life and this is not something our son should be made to suffer with, its not fiar to ask this of him and if we were 70 years old it would be a reasonable expectation of me to stick this out. 

People can call it cold and call it harsh but I am not planning for tommorow I am looking 10-15 years down the road and that the outcome of a decision to stay and deal with this for potentially another 3-7 years simply is untenable. My son needs stability I need stability or I will have a nervous breakdown from the stress. 

the situation is not black and white and I certainly don't appreciate the sentiments about trying to stay and how leaving and taking our son makes me a bad person. Staying just makes mea enabler and does alot of serious mental health damage to our son long term. It would certainly be easier in many regards and I certainly would not have to bear the guilt of this decision but the mor I read hear the more I think this is the best decision for our family. 

I put her with her family, there children are grown and they are retired, they have the time and energy to deal with this. I can focus my efforts on rebuilding my life and trying to provide a good stable home with positive attributes instead of the negative ones we live with now. 

I just don't really see many other options, and this one requires me to sell my bussiness and move 600 miles. I don't wish to deprive her of seeing our son. I simply cannot allow her to be a full time parent as the damage she is inflicting will last his entire life. 

then there is dealing with his needs which while not insurmountable, I simply don;t have the mental capcity to deal with both hers and his and mine at the same time. 

I guess I just need to find a way to let go of the guilt. there is certainly some anger to.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DH,
You are truly in a terribly difficult spot. I actually think the primary goal here needs to be to remove your child from a destructive situation. The fact that your W has chosen not to manage her blood sugar is very sad. It is basically "suicide by lifestyle". Unfortunately as you know, wild blood sugar swings make for WILD mood swings. This means that when your child does something mildly wrong - the response might be indifference or it might be full blown rage. 

And THAT causes children to lose faith in "cause and effect" which is a terrible outcome. If family will take your wife, they should. Can you afford day care for your child while you work? 



DepressedHusband said:


> There is so much more to the situation to. Its not a matter of just one factor and it certainly isn't a lack of love. Its just the reality of the situation. Our son is suffering from her inability to do what needs doing, her diabetes has reached a point where she has had a kidney transplant and her health is declining.
> 
> I have stuck with this women through more then most would ever do, her family will hold zero resentment towards me for doing this. I know becuase they told me that its no longer my cross to bear and that they would do what they could.
> 
> ...


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> DH,
> You are truly in a terribly difficult spot. I actually think the primary goal here needs to be to remove your child from a destructive situation. The fact that your W has chosen not to manage her blood sugar is very sad. It is basically "suicide by lifestyle". Unfortunately as you know, wild blood sugar swings make for WILD mood swings. This means that when your child does something mildly wrong - the response might be indifference or it might be full blown rage.
> 
> And THAT causes children to lose faith in "cause and effect" which is a terrible outcome. If family will take your wife, they should. Can you afford day care for your child while you work?


 I am looking over the finances right now, its been a rough ride the last few years and my saving are pretty beat up. I had to take on extra help a few years back when she had her multi organ transplant and it cost us dearly. 

I know its a rough spot and I don't think many "get it" but I certainly cannot continue down this road and I cannot allow my son to grow up in this enviroment. If I can move on and find a more stable situation single,remarried etc it will be a 100% improvement for him. 

I am talking with my mother about solutions and today my wifes mother told me that she thinks that her duaghter and the baby need to live apart at a minimum. 

Ughh.

I am gonna go grab a cold beer and try to figure out the next few moves. Given her chaotic nature I worry about possiable behavioral reprocussions and that she could have a pyschotic break. Things are very edgy around here and I am not a beta husband. I am a alpha male and I have no problem standing up to me wife, I never have actually. The big concern is given her mental state, depression etc and some other background info on her that its likely she may retialiate without some safegards in place to protect the little one. 

I sincerly worry about that.


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