# Will he change or do I leave?



## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. One child who is grown and out of the house.
My husband has had very serious drug problems in the past that have hurt our marriage tremendously. He has struggled with this on and off for over half of our marriage. He has been to rehab and counseling, but went back to the drugs. The drugs cause him to be very mean and emotionally abusive to me and obviously cause a lot of financial struggles.
He cleaned up (again) and we tried to move on (again). He is now using again. We have had long talks about this and he keeps promising he is trying to stop, but I keep catching him in lies, such as, where he is going, how much money he has, etc. The verbal abuse is also starting again. 
I love him dearly but I don't want to live this kind of life anymore. At the same time, I cant imagine my life without him. I try to believe him when he says it will stop but his actions show otherwise. 
It doesnt look like he will ever change. Do I face the facts and call it quits? How do I face my life without him? Any advice please?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Is he able to quit on his own or Is he going into a facility for help? 

Addiction is a very difficult thing to deal with. Sadly you really can not save people. They have to want it for themselves. If he is going back into it over and over this is a good indication to you that hes not ready. 

I do not see a future in this and I truly understand you love him but it might be best to leave him to show him there are real consequences for this. 

With all that being said who is taking care of you through all this? Who is giving you the support you are needing? Your really doing serious damage to yourself trying to save him. This never ends well. Over time you will learn to hate him and resent him because you are being starved the love and attention you need and deserve. 

I was raised around addict. My family was all about saving people and sticking around. In the end it never worked out. My mom had to learn her own way and now that she can not work anymore its really making her wake up to all the damage she has done to herself. She will never understand how much damage she did to us all those years. I had to let go and walk away. I have other family members with the same problems. 

I hope you start taking care of you. I think you need it. 

Clay


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

Thanks Clay, everything you say makes sense. I have no support. If I talk to anyone about this he would get very angry so I am trying to deal with this on my own.
All I know to do is try to set myself up (get a job, place to live, etc) and get out. Whatever I do is going to be heartbreaking.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

The thought of divorce really scares me. Anyone have advice on that???


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Have you considered just separating for now and seeing if this will push him to get the help he needs? 

Do you think you are at the point where you are ready for divorce? 

Clay


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Sad story. Have you considered ALANON? AL ANON is for family members and friends of alcoholics and drug addicts. AL ANON members have experience in exactly what you are going through. You are not alone I promise you that. It is free, and they focus on relationships with addicts and alcoholics. 

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

wonderinggirl said:


> My husband and I have been married for 22 years. One child who is grown and out of the house.
> My husband has had very serious drug problems in the past that have hurt our marriage tremendously. He has struggled with this on and off for over half of our marriage. He has been to rehab and counseling, but went back to the drugs. The drugs cause him to be very mean and emotionally abusive to me and obviously cause a lot of financial struggles.
> He cleaned up (again) and we tried to move on (again). He is now using again. We have had long talks about this and he keeps promising he is trying to stop, but I keep catching him in lies, such as, where he is going, how much money he has, etc. The verbal abuse is also starting again.
> I love him dearly but I don't want to live this kind of life anymore. At the same time, I cant imagine my life without him. I try to believe him when he says it will stop but his actions show otherwise.
> It doesnt look like he will ever change. Do I face the facts and call it quits? How do I face my life without him? Any advice please?


I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's very tragic to love somebody that is hell bent on self destruction and don't care if they drag you with them. Addiction to drugs, alcohol, etc is one of the most selfish decisions a person can make. I do not subscribe to the "alcoholism/addiction is a disease" agenda. 

You best course of action right now is to speak to an attorney, get your financial and personal matters in order and prepare yourself for divorce. Given your husbands repeated relapses, it doesn't seem that he will be able to stay clean which in time will destroy what's left in you as you try to salvage the marriage. 

I have no sympathy for alcoholics or drug users. I think its ok to get them treatment, but you cannot force a person to stay sober or clean. They need to want it and permanently. 

Call me judgmental is makes no difference. Drugs and alcohol have no place in a healthy marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I never understand these kinds of posts.

They describe a terrible spouse. 

And then they say "I don't want to leave him becuase"... fill in the blank with something that sound like "I love him / her", "I can't imagine life without him / her", "Everything else is GREAT about this person"..

I would say, why do you think you deserve a spouse of this quality? What does it say about what you think of yourself?


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## Lefacade (Jan 10, 2014)

I would sit him down and ask if he loves his drugs or you more? If he says you, then say it's time to start walking the walk. Tell him you'll help him get clean once more, but if he fails then you are getting a divorce. And mean it. You come up with the terms to make sure he is abiding, (like random drug test ..etc). Write it all down and have him sign it. Half your marriage is long enough.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

yes, did the separation thing a few years ago. He promised changes if I came back and he stuck with them for a while but here we are again. 
I have told him to clean up or its divorce. Thats where all the false promises and lies are coming from now.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

wonderinggirl said:


> yes, did the separation thing a few years ago. He promised changes if I came back and he stuck with them for a while but here we are again.
> I have told him to clean up or its divorce. Thats where all the false promises and lies are coming from now.


It sounds like you already have your answer. You warned him. He chose to do the drugs again. 

Its now time to take care of you and move on. 

Clay


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> It sounds like you already have your answer. You warned him. He chose to do the drugs again.
> 
> Its now time to take care of you and move on.
> 
> Clay


By staying in this, you are enabling him to continue on this path. I have said it before, you can enable someone to death! Why are you afraid of divorcing him, are you afraid of getting a chance to actually experience some happiness in your life? Afraid of being free? If you are afraid of what he will do to himself if you leave, you need to realize that HE and HE ALONE is responsible for his behavior. However he chooses to proceed is not your problem or your business. Is this really how you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE? You cannot MAKE him do anything, however, you can take control of YOURSELF. Try going to Al Anon, if you dont, at least get a copy of Codependent No More.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

wonderinggirl said:


> yes, did the separation thing a few years ago. He promised changes if I came back and he stuck with them for a while but here we are again.
> I have told him to clean up or its divorce. Thats where all the false promises and lies are coming from now.


Then you need to make good on your threat to leave. Besides, why are you wasting even a minute of your precious life on somebody who doesn't value theirs?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Can you find a local addiction support group for help for yourself? Can you begin seeing a therapist for support as well? If he asks, I'd be honest about it. It would be one thing if my wife was telling me that she didn't like how my addiction impacted me or how I spent money on it, that's bad, but I can't imagine how much it would impact me if I knew that my need to feed my addiction was resulting in my wife needing to seek emotional support from a group or counselor on a weekly basis.

Beyond that, everyone above is right, he has to want to quit for good if he will ever do so successfully. He can't just give it the ol' college try every so often just because you ask him to. He has to want to do it for himself as well. Since he's proven time and time again that he won't and can't do that, I think it's time to give him a wake-up call. You can either warn him ahead of time or just do it one day.

Basically, you'd need to leave him, (or if you want to warn him, tell him that you will leave him if you catch him with drugs again, or in another lie relating to drugs again, and then actually leave him) and do so with the intention that you will not be back for a while. That doesn't mean going and getting a hotel for a night or two, or staying with a girlfriend. That means packing bags and boxes and renting an apartment, probably for at least a six month lease.

The message then becomes very clear to him. That you are 100% no longer willing to remain married to a man who is unwilling to tame this addiction and lie about it repeatedly. If he wants to continue with the drugs, he needs to accept that his wife is going to divorce him and find another man who will love her properly. He should know that you won't try to ruin him in a divorce, but you won't be shy why others ask why she left, so it will be known that he caused the breakdown of the marriage. If he does want to save the marriage, this will also send the message that you are no longer willing to take his word for it, and you will not accept vague or short-term promises and efforts. You've moved out in order to prepare for a life without him, but if he wants to win you back, he'll now have to prove it to you first and your getting the apartment means he will have some time to do so, if you are willing to grant him that.

So again, it becomes a wake-up call. In the past, he has probably known that this was always a risk, but you've also always taken him back, given him countless chances, accepted all his apologies and promises. So while he may always have meant well, he's also always believed in the back of his mind that you'll forgive him next time as well. I'm sure he's never happy with himself when he fails you, but he's also probably never had to fear that he'll truly lose you for doing so. With the wake-up call of, "Yep, your wife is gone. If you want her back, you'll have to do this for real now." will put an end to any doubt.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know you all are right in the things you have said. I appreciate the support and any advice you give. I admit I am very weak and he is very convincing in telling me things are changing even though I see the evidence to prove otherwise. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me and why I cant just walk away. Part of me is simply afraid.
Thanks to anyone who will keep giving me your opinions/advice and help me get through this!!


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

OMG...I just found his drugs that he swears he doesnt have!! So, what do I do...confront now or just play the game pretending I dont know, keep watching, get my self set up and see a lawyer?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wonderinggirl said:


> OMG...I just found his drugs that he swears he doesnt have!! So, what do I do...confront now or just play the game pretending I dont know, keep watching, get my self set up and see a lawyer?


Keep it to yourself for now, and get yourself set up. Take pics or do whatever so that you have proof.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

ok, I know I will get a lot of criticism here but living this is different than being on the outside looking in, however, I would still like advice from anyone willing to give it.
I confronted and once again he has promised a change. I have seen a great change in the last few days. I have learned not to get my hopes too high, and I keep a close watch. While I dont have proof of any more drugs I noticed he is making phone calls to a "friend". This person is actually a "friend" and they do talk about other things, but he has also been a supplier. 
He seems very sincere and WANTS to make a change. I have no trust anymore. 
Has anyone here ever been though something like this? Will he ever change? Is he really trying? What do I believe, what do I do???


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wonderinggirl said:


> ok, I know I will get a lot of criticism here but living this is different than being on the outside looking in, however, I would still like advice from anyone willing to give it.
> I confronted and once again he has promised a change. I have seen a great change in the last few days. I have learned not to get my hopes too high, and I keep a close watch. While I dont have proof of any more drugs I noticed he is making phone calls to a "friend". This person is actually a "friend" and they do talk about other things, but he has also been a supplier.
> He seems very sincere and WANTS to make a change. I have no trust anymore.
> Has anyone here ever been though something like this? Will he ever change? Is he really trying? What do I believe, what do I do???


He is not going to change. He may put some effort in for a few days, or a couple of weeks. Just long enough to where he thinks that YOU believe him, then he will go right back to being himself. You need to get out of denial that he is going to change. The only way most people, especially drug addicts, will change is if they hit rock bottom. There isnt a damn thing you can do about it.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

As of right now, I have no money and no job. I am trying to stick this out (as long as he is not abusive) until I am financially able to leave.
Right now, I am trying to get along with him and not let him know that I know about the things he is doing. (buying drugs)
Should I go ahead and talk with an attorney or wait until I am ready to leave.
Never thought I would be here and I just don't know how to do it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Go ahead and speak with an attorney. Do you have family that can take you in during your transition, instead of staying there?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's choosing to hang out with a drug dealer. If he was at all serious about making a change, he needs to remove himself from people like this. Otherwise he's just setting himself up for failure. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wonderinggirl said:


> Thanks Clay, everything you say makes sense. I have no support. If I talk to anyone about this he would get very angry


Excuse me? The man who has ravaged your life will get angry if you dare tell anyone?

I think you need to leave, at least for a few months, so you can get out from under the wild messed-up thinking you've been subjected to for your whole marriage. What you describe is NOT normal and you DO need help of friends or others who you can tell the truth to.

He doesn't want others to know? Should have thought of that sooner.

You need to at least start going to Alanon or the one for addicts, to see that you need to change what you're thinking, let alone doing. You are his enabler. That has to stop.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree, get thee to Alanon.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Leave him. He will not change... I have a cousin that has the same issues as your husband. Your story could easily be theirs. 

And get yourself into CODA meetings.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Yeah yeah see a lawyer. Confront him, don't confront him. It doesn't matter. What it boils down to is this: you're going to do exactly what you're going to do. And so is he. And this I promise you: he will NEVER get clean (not for good) while you are together. You already know that. You already know that you should leave him and not give him more chances. I hate that weak feeling, the one where you doubt yourself. The one where you think you can't do it. But you can. You're not going to just crumble and disappear without him. The world won't blow up. The sun will rise in the morning whether he's there or not! But maybe there won't be as much for you to do. Maybe there won't be as much drama. Maybe you won't know what the he11 to do with yourself. But hey- you'll figure it out!


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

I know everyone here is right. I am still seeing signs of his drug use and it is obvious he is never going to change.
I am thankful to have found this site and thankful to everyone who has responded. It helps to be able to talk about it.

I am now trying to get through the days pretending everything is ok and trying to get along until I am able to walk out. Its a tough situation and my mind is a mess. As of right now, he is being very sweet to me, showing me he loves me, and trying to make me happy. I know how that sounds considering what he is doing behind my back and thats what hurts. I know I cant have a marriage when he is lying and doing things behind my back. Its hard to make anyone understand my feelings. I guess thats why I need the advice of others, they can see what I dont.

Not sure how to go about doing everything right. Thanks to everyone who reads and responds. I appreciate your advice and you have no idea how helpful it is!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please pick a friend or family member to confide in. Let them help you by keeping you on track.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

Is something wrong with me? Why cant I just walk away? 

He is making ANOTHER promise that it is over starting today. All I can do is watch and see. Should I watch and see??
I have been here many times before and I dont have any real confidence that he will quit and if he does it will be temporary.

Knowing this, I still have trouble seeing it for what it really is. I guess its denial, I dont know. I keep waiting on things to get better . What is wrong with me? Why cant I break free? 
How do I end this cycle????????

Cant afford counseling so that is not an option for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No offense, but how naive do you have to be to believe a drug addict who says he's quitting?

Let him quit from his own place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And get thee to Alanon. They are the only people who can help you at this point. And it's free.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

I have been to alanon, it was no help.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wonderinggirl said:


> I have been to alanon, it was no help.


You cannot go one time and expect it to be of any help. You will not find a better support system ANYWHERE. So many times, people go to these groups and get nothing out of it because that is their expecation going into it.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

I went several times. Maybe it just wasn't a "good" one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try another one. It's no different than finding a doctor who's a good fit for you.

Explain why it was no help.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

They read short stories from a book and each person reflected on the story. If anyone wanted to talk about their situation they could but no advice or opinions were given. Then a short prayer and the meeting was over.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I'd look for another group. Look for the CoDa group.


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