# Wife does not want to live with me but her son



## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

I've been together with my wife for 6 years now. We have been married for almost 4 of them and have been separated for almost 3. We seem to have an on again off again relationship. So my wife has 3 kids and her youngest is now a 19 year old spoiled controlling person. He and I do not get along. We have had our issues in the past. Now I know that that is her son and she loves him very much. I have my own 24 year old son and understand how it is. But with her it's an obsession. I am the third wheel. Decision are made based on what they want and I am not considered. There was one situation where he was giving his mother a hard time about showing her his report card. I got involved and it was the worst mistake I ever made. They both ganged up on me. He decided if I were going to be in the same house as them then he would be moving out to his dad's. So needless to say, my wife (at that time fiance) moved out with her son. It has been this way since the beginning. She backed out of going to two Christmases with my family even after I bought the plane tickets for the three of us. She has backed out of a fourth of July weekend, two all paid cruises. All because she didn't want to leave him alone. There was one weekend where he decided to go skiing with his friends. So the weekend before she broke planes with me to go to the movies because she needed to spend that weekend with him because she would not see him the following weekend for three days. And now, amongst many other situations that I haven't mentioned. She was supposed to move in with me in my house. Eveytime she promises then she backs out. I don't believe in her or what she says is true. The final time she told me I was going to get a roommate because her son wanted his own place. And if I was happy. I would have to pay all of our expenses because she would need to pay for his apartment and living expenses. Then he changed his mind and so did she. Now they are looking for an apartment together. I have had enough and asked her for a divorce. 

I love my wife. There is nothing more that I want is to be with her but it will never change. I will always be the third wheel. What can I do? Anyone have any suggestions?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Well, it sounds like she's married to you AND her son in her mind. If it's as bad as you're saying, make her make a choice, be married to your husband or be married to your son. That simple.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Protect yourself and move on. There's nothing here to save, or so it appears.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I wouldn't put up with that. Particularly since you have a son as well. Whatever your son tells you now, I don't believe that people's generosity of spirit is that durable forever. At some point he will resent your difference in treatment between the 2 sons of close age.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Their is an old adage “blood is thicker than water” and sadly it still hold true...some battles are not worth fighting, cut your losses and move on because she will forever be stuck with him and you will always be the third wheel...frankly I am shock you didn’t cut your losses sooner.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Whatever happened in her life to distort and retard her understanding of relationships, boundaries and commitment, it doesn't sound like you have any chance of fixing it. Her behavior is bizarre...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Nothing to save.... your wasting your time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’ll always be her son. Why waste your life on this? There is no one and only soulmate, etc.

As long as you stay tied up in this you won’t find someone you could have a life with.

The biggest problem you have is yourself. Why would you think so little of your life and happiness?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Augie said:


> I've been together with my wife for 6 years now. We have been married for almost 4 of them and have been separated for almost 3. We seem to have an on again off again relationship. So my wife has 3 kids and her youngest is now a 19 year old spoiled controlling person. He and I do not get along. We have had our issues in the past. Now I know that that is her son and she loves him very much. I have my own 24 year old son and understand how it is. But with her it's an obsession. I am the third wheel. Decision are made based on what they want and I am not considered. There was one situation where he was giving his mother a hard time about showing her his report card. I got involved and it was the worst mistake I ever made. They both ganged up on me. He decided if I were going to be in the same house as them then he would be moving out to his dad's. So needless to say, my wife (at that time fiance) moved out with her son. It has been this way since the beginning. She backed out of going to two Christmases with my family even after I bought the plane tickets for the three of us. She has backed out of a fourth of July weekend, two all paid cruises. All because she didn't want to leave him alone. There was one weekend where he decided to go skiing with his friends. So the weekend before she broke planes with me to go to the movies because she needed to spend that weekend with him because she would not see him the following weekend for three days. And now, amongst many other situations that I haven't mentioned. She was supposed to move in with me in my house. Eveytime she promises then she backs out. I don't believe in her or what she says is true. The final time she told me I was going to get a roommate because her son wanted his own place. And if I was happy. I would have to pay all of our expenses because she would need to pay for his apartment and living expenses. Then he changed his mind and so did she. Now they are looking for an apartment together. I have had enough and asked her for a divorce.
> 
> I love my wife. There is nothing more that I want is to be with her but it will never change. I will always be the third wheel. What can I do? Anyone have any suggestions?


Get a time machine and go back and not marry her for goodness sake!
Yes, divorce her!!!!!!! Why did you possibly consider marrying her in the first place? She’s a nut.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is serious dysfunction, it's only going to infect your life. It's a great big world out there with lots of people. You should really move on or you suffer.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Her son will always be more important to her than you are. That leaves you with a choice.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

1. Dump her fast
2. Move on
3. Live your life


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, for your own sanity.............get the hell out of this mess and move on with your very finite life.


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

Thank you all for your feed back. I really appreciate it


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Augie said:


> We seem to have an on again off again relationship.


Quit fooling yourself Dawg. You don't have an on again, off again relationship. Married folk don't have on again, off again relationships. That's why they call it married. You have a relationship where the two of you cannot live together. At best you've been able to tolerate the misery for 25% of the time. You loving her and wanting to live with her is moot unless she loves you and wants to live with you with enough vigor that she willing to kick the little 19 year old shyt's azz and make you and her marriage a priority. I don't give a rats azz what anybody sez, You're either going to be first or last in a marriage. Ain't no middle place. Sides that, people willing to sacrifice their life, marriage, and everything else for their adult kid will probably have to kids put them in a "senior care facility" if/when they're in the position where their kids would have to sacrifice for them.

If you have the disposition, you could stay married, ignore the crap, maybe work out of town, and keep her around for "booty call". (until you can line up a suitable replacement)


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

You are so true 👍. I am not a priority and never will be. I am her back up plan


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

divorce her. Let her and her son live their own lives without you having to pay for it. You live your own life.

And if you love her so much (I don't see how, but that is your business) maybe you can have some saturday night dates to dinner or the movies or whatever if he is out with his buddies. 

Your mistake was buying into this fulltime and incurring a legal and financial commitment with her and her dysfunctional family. 

Divorce her so you do not have any further legal or financial commitments and if you two want, you can still have some date nights now and then. 

You can't fix her. You can't fix him. And you can't fix their wacky mother/son dynamic. 

But what you can do is free yourself from their dysfunction and live your own life where you aren't having to put up with it or foot the bill for it.


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

Thank you all for the great advice


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

You need to leave this disaster. It has all the makings of an unresolved Oedipal complex with a Devouring Oedipal Mother. 

Dude, you're being relegated to the role of a wallet to finance her psychopathology.

Devouring Oedipal Mother


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Augie said:


> Decision are made based on what they want and I am not considered. There was one situation where he was giving his mother a hard time about showing her his report card. I got involved and it was the worst mistake I ever made. They both ganged up on me. He decided if I were going to be in the same house as them then he would be moving out to his dad's. So needless to say, my wife (at that time fiance) moved out with her son. It has been this way since the beginning. She backed out of going to two Christmases with my family even after I bought the plane tickets for the three of us. She has backed out of a fourth of July weekend, two all paid cruises.
> 
> The final time she told me I was going to get a roommate because her son wanted his own place. And if I was happy. I would have to pay all of our expenses because she would need to pay for his apartment and living expenses.


This is a real important point above for you to realize. 

You don't not have ANY parental or paternal authority or decision-making ability in this situation. 

However you are being expected to foot the bills for their shenanigans aren't you. 

Simply put, you are being used and chumped here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Do a little experiment here that will show you where you really stand. 

Tell her you love her and enjoy her company and really like that thing she can do with her tongue and forefinger, but that your living situation and the dynamics with her son aren't working out for everyone so there for you will divorce her and allow them to live on their own and pay for all their own wants and needs - 

However, since you and she love and desire each so much, that going forward, you two can have Saturday night date nights and have hot monkey sex, but the other days of the week you all live as free and single people and you each do whatever you want. 

Her reaction and response to that will tell you everything you need to know and you will know exactly where you stand in this relationship.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I have a feeling that your (bio) son will sooner take care of you in your old than your wife or stepson. Don't squander that relationship.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When you mention you’re going to divorce her and she actually believes it, she will turn in to a litigating monster who goes after every cent she can get her hands on. Mommy and sonny don’t want to lose their wallet! Bank on that. Get out before she can financially ruin you forever


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

Agreed. He is now an adult. But he is the alpha male. He calls the shots. I can't have that in my house


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Augie said:


> You are so true 👍. I am not a priority and never will be. I am her back up plan


Only as long as you volunteer to be Dawg. Only as long as you volunteer to be.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Augie said:


> Agreed. He is now an adult. But he is the alpha male. He calls the shots. I can't have that in my house


Then toss his arse out and let him be alpha in his house.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I’m in a similar situation and started a thread a few days ago maybe read it if only so you don’t feel so alone.

Some differences though despite clearly favoring her son and his needs doesn’t want to lose me and is somewhat receptive to my suggestions regarding her son. Also money isn’t an issue she’s fully independent financially and probably would never do something as crazy as supporting him in his own place but technically it’s the same situation as yours where they live together in her house and I’m living alone. Since it’s her house I was the one to move out and get my own place.

Perhaps most importantly although we are legal domestic partners so I can benefit from her health insurance, we are not married despite her wanting to get married and bringing it up numerous times over the years. Clearly you messed up doing so especially when there were serious unaddressed issues when she was your Fiancée.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Why in the world would your wife lay foe her 19 year old’s rent and living? On what planet is that okay? HE needs to get an effing job, roommate, and launch into adulthood. Your wife is an enabler and isn’t doing him any favors.

She’s also abandoned you as a wife. Cut your losses and divorce. You’re already living the life of a single man.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your first clue should have been when she moved out with her son while you were engaged. You should never have married her. Divorce her now, fast and clean.

Her relationship with her son is sick and twisted. I can't even.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

frusdil said:


> Your first clue should have been when she moved out with her son while you were engaged. You should never have married her. Divorce her now, fast and clean.
> 
> Her relationship with her son is sick and twisted. I can't even.


I am equally baffled. Moved out while engaged and the marriage still happened. This is insanity.

That whole dynamic is so unhealthy and gross.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Augie said:


> I've been together with my wife for 6 years now. We have been *married for almost 4 of them and have been separated for almost 3*. We seem to have an on again off again relationship.


Please explain how you are married?



Augie said:


> I have had enough and asked her for a divorce.


Bout time.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ho jeez!
not sure why you want all that punishment.
i would divorce her, and never look back


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Do a little experiment here that will show you where you really stand.
> 
> Tell her you love her and enjoy her company and really like that thing she can do with her tongue and forefinger, but that your living situation and the dynamics with her son aren't working out for everyone so there for you will divorce her and allow them to live on their own and pay for all their own wants and needs -
> 
> ...


She won't go for that. She dosent want anyone else and dosent want me to have anyone else. Except for her son of corse


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

snerg said:


> Please explain how you are married?


I don't get it either... they are separated, so what's all this fuss about?


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I don't get it either... they are separated, so what's all this fuss about?


We were married for a little over one year. We separated when she told me that her family wants us to go away for 4th of July to a lake. I said yes. Her son said no. So when the time got closer she said she didn't want to go because I said yes to quick and didn't let her process her thoughts. And she dosent want to go because she will be tired for work on Monday an that she's not getting along with her dad and that they are all old people that's gonna be there and finally her step mom told her we shouldn't go. Even though her and her son went the previous year. Then she promised to go to Christmas up north to my family that year. Me, her and her son. Then he decided he didn't want to go. So when I told her we were going to go up for the weekend, she said my family dosent care about me enough to make it longer and she's not driving 12 hrs for a weekend. Then I made it for 5 days with us spending one day and night in Manhattan and her reason was she could take the time off of work. I went by myself and when I came back she had taken time from qork to take down her xmas stuff. 

So anyway.......we have been trying to make things work and be husband and wife again which seams like I total waisted of time


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

Augie said:


> We were married for a little over one year. We separated when she told me that her family wants us to go away for 4th of July to a lake. I said yes. Her son said no. So when the time got closer she said she didn't want to go because I said yes to quick and didn't let her process her thoughts. And she dosent want to go because she will be tired for work on Monday an that she's not getting along with her dad and that they are all old people that's gonna be there and finally her step mom told her we shouldn't go. Even though her and her son went the previous year. Then she promised to go to Christmas up north to my family that year. Me, her and her son. Then he decided he didn't want to go. So when I told her we were going to go up for the weekend, she said my family dosent care about me enough to make it longer and she's not driving 12 hrs for a weekend. Then I made it for 5 days with us spending one day and night in Manhattan and her reason was she could take the time off of work. I went by myself and when I came back she had taken time from qork to take down her xmas stuff.
> 
> So anyway.......we have been trying to make things work and be husband and wife again which seams like I total waisted of time


Separated in the sense of we don't live together but we still do things together and go on dates and are known to everyone we know or meet as a married couple


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Augie said:


> Separated in the sense of we don't live together but we still do things together and go on dates and are known to everyone we know or meet as a married couple


ah, ok... makes more sense now. Still, I find the whole situation like a massive petty argument... I know there is the son's problem, but can you try be "adults" about all this?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Augie said:


> Separated in the sense of we don't live together but we still do things together and go on dates and are known to everyone we know or meet as a married couple


Do you support her financially?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Since she won't change & prefers her son to you, I'd just get out. What is the point of staying?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Augie said:


> She won't go for that. She dosent want anyone else and dosent want me to have anyone else. Except for her son of corse


You missed my point. 

I didn’t say anything about other people. 

My point is if you present her with divorcing, each of you living your own separate ways and her paying for her own expenses - but yet still having Saturday night dates and still having sex,,,, her response will tell you what you need to know. 

Since you said, “she won’t go for that” that means she wants you supporting her and her son but doesn’t care much about having an intimate relationship with you. 

You’re being used for support and provisioning here but not getting anything of benefit to you.


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Do you support her financially?


I do not. She pays her bills in her place and I help her with groceries. If she were to move in with me and her son got his own place she said she can't help because all her money would have to go to supporting his place


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why are you enabling her.

Get a divorce already. She doesn’t love you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Reminds me of how my LT ex-GF was. We moved in together, and then she was like "my family" this, "my family" that. She was here during the week but gone when she had free time or something to do.

Eventually I told her if she wanted to be with me, she needed to pull her head out of a$$ and act right; before long I would not care what she did.

You need to do the same and let the chips fall where they may. If you don't want to just cut your losses now,, take a strong stand hat forces her to make a choice now. Anything but an unequivocal yes in favor of the marriage should be interpreted as "no".


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## Augie (Sep 10, 2020)

DTO said:


> Reminds me of how my LT ex-GF was. We moved in together, and then she was like "my family" this, "my family" that. She was here during the week but gone when she had free time or something to do.
> 
> Eventually I told her if she wanted to be with me, she needed to pull her head out of a$$ and act right; before long I would not care what she did.
> 
> You need to do the same and let the chips fall where they may. If you don't want to just cut your losses now,, take a strong stand hat forces her to make a choice now. Anything but an unequivocal yes in favor of the marriage should be interpreted as "no".


For me I'm done chasing her. It's a repetitive cycle of someone contacting someone and we always get back together (did I mention she like to dump me and then come back?) I am not taking any initiative anymore. Like you said, let the chips fall where they may. Last night I met someone else. I know it's very very soon but I want to start moving on. I think by doing this I can put her in my past


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BTW you don’t ask for a divorce. You don’t need her permission.

Just file. Go your own way.


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