# its me again



## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

well he hooked up to the travel trailer 2 days ago and pulled out. what and tell me or the kids where he was going. although I had a real good idea he's going back to the ow in Oklahoma. I really messed up. I blew his phone up with phone calls and text on that day and feel like such an idiot. I lost complete control. he doesn't even have the audacity to tell me the truth. so I know he came back in June to work things out with me it didn't work... so tell me that you're going back to your girlfriend why is that so hard I could take it. the not knowing is harder. and why is it so hard for me to not care. I feel so abandoned... and I want to know where he is I want to know if he's OK. even knowing if he's with her will help, yes it will hurt but it will help. for 17 years has been my life my go to guy and now its just me, sitting here in the dark not knowing which way is right. I don't know how to get a grip on this. I know that we were toxic for each other but I just don't know how to let him go. so I changed my phone number yesterday, I asked him to change his and he wouldn't. so I changed mine. if he wants to call the kids they can call them on our oldest daughters phone. it's the only way I feel like I can have no contact with him. I just can't wait to be on the other side of this. I don't want to be that woman who is divorced and still holding on five years later. I deserve to be happy to. but I can't quit obsessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AnnRains said:


> well he hooked up to the travel trailer 2 days ago and pulled out. what and tell me or the kids where he was going. although I had a real good idea he's going back to the ow in Oklahoma. I really messed up. I blew his phone up with phone calls and text on that day and feel like such an idiot. I lost complete control. he doesn't even have the audacity to tell me the truth. so I know he came back in June to work things out with me it didn't work... so tell me that you're going back to your girlfriend why is that so hard I could take it. the not knowing is harder. and why is it so hard for me to not care. I feel so abandoned... and I want to know where he is I want to know if he's OK. even knowing if he's with her will help, yes it will hurt but it will help. for 17 years has been my life my go to guy and now its just me, sitting here in the dark not knowing which way is right. I don't know how to get a grip on this. I know that we were toxic for each other but I just don't know how to let him go. so I changed my phone number yesterday, I asked him to change his and he wouldn't. so I changed mine. if he wants to call the kids they can call them on our oldest daughters phone. it's the only way I feel like I can have no contact with him. I just can't wait to be on the other side of this. I don't want to be that woman who is divorced and still holding on five years later. I deserve to be happy to. but I can't quit obsessing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ann,

You really need individual counseling.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Why dont you start putting smaller goals of NC down on a piece of paper? i.e...don't answer his calls immediately, don't call him when you feel like you need to (wait x amount of time), and etc.

Once you achieve a little step, pad yourself in the back. Gradually increasing the amount of NC and eventually you will be able to do it. I dont think you changing your phone number will help because you still have his and he has the right not to change his number. Only you can control your behavior so stop letting him control it.

You also need to stop trying to figure out why he did what he did. You will never be able to figure that out and it will just drive you crazy. When that happen, do clean the house or do something else that will keep your mind of of him. I am not saying AVOID thinking about it. I am saying acknowledge your thought and leave it at that...just a thought.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

I wish I could get individual counseling but due to financial reasons I can't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Contact your local county assistance office. Sometimes they offer free services for a short time. Also, do you have health insurance? Not that it always matters. I had one that was willing to take 10 dollars a session even though I had no insurance. She saw the need and stepped in to help. It was one of the better therapists Ive worked with too.

The problem is, you are in that denial stage of grief. You need to move past that to angry. Look at what he did to you and your children. Look at how he's treated you. How he has lied. Only when you allow yourself to be angry will you stop trying to win him back. He is not worth your tears. He's just not.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> I don't want to be that woman who is divorced and still holding on five years later. I deserve to be happy to. but I can't quit obsessing.


Ann, I am like you. I am also in the pity party with me as the only member.
Yesterday I was very happy because I received good news about a job I applied for. Well, this happiness turned into longing because he is not here with me to share it.

Today, I received bad news about another job (TARGET, not my first choice) they denied me and it feels like crap. This is not the job I wanted but I need a job so I applied for it anyway. I got rejected and was dwelling into my pity party. 
Which gave me an insight into my personal life. My ex is not the man I wanted but he rejected me so my feelings/pride got hurt!!!

GUess what? I put on a happy face and now I am going to apply for McDonalds. I so need a job! for the income and to get my mind away from him. I also going to call volunteer places tomorrow and volunteer to do something, anything. 

My ex does not want me, I want him but he may just be my TARGET.
Good luck to you Ann!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Oh and I am ****ing Veteran of the US ARMY!!!! Screw Target!!!
(translates to I was a good wife damn it!!!)


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

Thank you all. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I finally did get out of the house last night. I took the girls to the movies. but I couldn't wait to get out of there. I've spent the last 4 days in the bed. how pathetic. but at least I'm trying. I'm still obsessing over where he is and don't understand why he won't tell me. well I guess I know why he won't tell me. that I guess that's my answer. and I'm trying to accept that. I hate the person that I have become. and I don't want to be this woman. I've lost 30 pounds since my stroke in August. which I needed to lose. but it hasn't been the healthy way. I'm going to look for some free or low-cost counseling services in my area. I have just got to find the want to get out of bed and do something productive. I know that happiness lies within me somewhere I just don't know how to find it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

One step at a time.

What are you going to do next? Volunteer? Church? Exercise?

Let's get some momentum going for YOU.

Hugs,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Ann,

Do you go to a church. The first person I was able breakdown with was my pastor and it got me on my way to healing. They might be able to get you in contact with an IC that will cut you a deal.

God will never ask you to do something and not give you the ability to do it.

Stretch


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Walk, walk, walk...and then walk some more. It's free. 

Get your head together. SHOW your kids what a strong mother looks like.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

I don't know what I'm going to do next everyday new challenges face me. found out yesterday he wiped out they checking account. leaving the kids and I with nothing. it's like he has all the power. I don't understand why he is so angry at me. what could I have possibly done. I'm following the TR0. but he doesn't have to? Oh I am so lost
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

AnnRains said:


> I don't know what I'm going to do next everyday new challenges face me. found out yesterday he wiped out they checking account. leaving the kids and I with nothing. it's like he has all the power. I don't understand why he is so angry at me. what could I have possibly done. I'm following the TR0. but he doesn't have to? Oh I am so lost
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Time for you to be proactive. Go see a lawyer NOW!! Any other accounts you have, savings whatever go get whatever is left. 

He is not playing fair so you need to make sure he knocks this off before you are left with nothing. Sorry you need to deal with this now but he's leaving you no choice.

Come on Ann, you have you and your kids to worry about now. That should be your first concern. You are making this way too easy for him.

Get angry at him for what he's done.


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