# My mental issues ruined my marriage



## Maeve (Jul 13, 2012)

Hello all. First, thanks for taking the time to look at this. I really appreciate it. It's a bit long, though.

*edited to add something*
----

There's a couple different pieces that lead up to how I feel now, so I'll try to break it down:

This past spring, I had a complete mental breakdown. I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years, but major changes at my new job + getting married stressed me to the point that I wanted to hurt myself, and into the hospital I went for a couple days, followed several weeks of intensive outpatient care.

My husband and I have been together for several years before getting married, so he knew I had issues. But I moved to a completely different state because he wanted to be with his family, so that also added to the stress because I was in a new place with no real friends or family - his father booted me out of the house after a few months because I was struggling trying to find a job in this economy, another thing that still hurts me to this day, especially since my husband stayed with his family instead of coming with me.

Ever since I moved with my husband everything started to go downhill - bad stuff kept happening to me, and it felt like my husband has drifted further and further away due to my issues. When I did finally land a job, I was the only one supporting us, he had a job but it was barely enough to pay his bills and every time I tried to get him to look for something better so he could help with things he said he would but never did it (this is true for many many things, from simple household chores to important things that must be done). Then when he finally did get another job, he still only has a little left over after paying his own bills, so he just spends it on himself. There's a concert 
I'll never be able to see again on my birthday this year that is really important to me, and he refuses to save up to take me, claiming it's too expensive, yet he buys a bunch of stuff that adds up to that total within a week :/. So I've been miserable the whole time with him, the mental breakdown was just the peak of the whole deal.

Then after I was done with the hospital stuff, I still had issues sometimes, I got deeply depressed and severely paranoid fairly often as my doctor tried to find the right mix of medications to get me feeling normal again, so he would just get mad at me whenever I felt down. It got to the point where he would start getting aggressive with me, so I closed myself to him, figuring continuing trying to talk about my feelings would just lead to a punch in the face because he was so sick of it.

I feel so distant from him now...I never want to talk about what is on my mind, I don't want to have sex, and I'm actually considering temporary separation to see if that changes anything.

But the distance has led to another problem: emotional infidelity. I became very close to a mutual friend of ours and talked to him about everything - he is bipolar so he understands me very well, especially now. Not only that, but I'm attracted to him sexually, and he shares interests with me.
I felt guilty for feeling this way - so I told my husband about my feelings towards our friend. At first he was upset, but that went away quickly...he said he's "not surprised, given how well you two relate". It's almost like he wants me to love this person instead because he's sick of dealing with my mental issues. We still spend time together with him like nothing happened. This reaction just really bothers me, it doesn't seem normal. But my feelings for our friend keep getting stronger. He's too shy to say/do anything and he respects the boundaries of the marriage, but I know he's attracted from me from things he's done. He said he "doesn't want to be the one to break our marriage", but I can tell that he's struggling to keep it all inside like me more and more. I know most will tell me to drop all contact with the friend and focus on us...but he still acts the same as he did before I got close to this friend, so I don't see how this would change that other than putting us both in deep pain.

I've been feeling very distraught lately...I don't know what to do, it feels like every option is wrong and I'm a terrible person for being so close to someone else (and wanting to be closer), and that my husband would be nicer to me if I wasn't broken.  Anyone have any advice on where to go from here?


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My suggestion, if you are settled in a job and can support yourself, then file for separation/divorce. To me your husband doesn't sound very supportive of your issues. In the mean time you need to continue to take care of you. Talk to counselors and are you on any meds now? If not, you might need to look into that as well. Also this other man that "understands" you, isn't helping at this point. Its just fogging your mind even more. Work on you, then after you're divorced worry about getting involved with someone else.


----------



## Maeve (Jul 13, 2012)

trey69 said:


> My suggestion, if you are settled in a job and can support yourself, then file for separation/divorce. To me your husband doesn't sound very supportive of your issues. In the mean time you need to continue to take care of you. Talk to counselors and are you on any meds now? If not, you might need to look into that as well. Also this other man that "understands" you, isn't helping at this point. Its just fogging your mind even more. Work on you, then after you're divorced worry about getting involved with someone else.



Thank you for your advice. Yes, I can support myself just fine, better if he wasn't around actually because I have to help him sometimes since he is bad with money. I have my family to fall back on as well if I ever need help, despite them being so far away.

I'm on three meds right now: Wellbutrin, Klonopin, and Cymbalta. I think this combination is working well for me even though the Cymbalta is a new addition so I'm still adjusting, but I am starting to feel better.

As for my friend, I agree - I need to work on myself more than anything. I may try separation first to see how things feel on all sides and be completely alone so I don't have to worry about anyone but me for once, but I'll start investigating how to start the process of divorce since I'm not sure what will come of that.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dump the friend yesterday cold. I think your husband hasn't sent him away because he fears you might break down, or worse that you would choose the OM.

Do the good right thing here and be loyal to your marriage. Dump the friend. It shows respect for your husbands feelings, and that you value the marriage. Keeping the OM around and letting it continue isn't playing with fire, it's pouring gas on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

You cannot feel true love for your husband if you are EA'ing it up with another man, it just won't work that way. If you truly want to get back to feeling love for your husband you need to get away from the other guy, and you and your husband need to get some help.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> his father booted me out of the house after a few months because I was struggling trying to find a job in this economy, another thing that still hurts me to this day, especially since my husband stayed with his family instead of coming with me.


:wtf: 

He doesn't deserve you!

And yes, I think your 'husband' probably _was_ pushing you toward your friend.

Your husband and his family are, IMO, toxic.


----------



## Mocha71 (Aug 20, 2012)

It sounds like you have been together for awhile, and this can make us feel obligated to stay in relationships/situations we have out grown. 
Sounds like you have a long history together but that does not mean that you are good for each other. Some men are incapable of understanding emotions, let alone emotional disorders.
I am not going to say yes leave or no stay. 
I will say, PLEASE DO NOT what ever you do jump out of your relationship into one with your friend. Please GIVE YOURSELF SOME TIME to deal with you first, we can sometimes mistake a possible night in shining armour (an OUT) as an attraction.


----------

