# Am I overreacting?



## Confused10 (May 8, 2009)

A little back story: We are both 26 and we've been together for 9 years, married for 7. The first 4 years of our marriage we lived at least 8 hours away from our families (they live in the same town). For the last 3 years, we have lived in the same town as them...and this is where most of the trouble started.

Since we've moved back my wife has been closing down the bars on occasion. It started out as once a month thing, but has increased to at least 5 times a month. Now, I'm not saying that she can't go out and have fun and I never tell her what she can and can't do. I'm completely cool with that...but on the other hand, I think she should have the common decency to not consistently stay out past 2am. I don't feel that any married person should do that. 

We have talked about this on numerous occasions (and agreed on what should happen - like just having a few drinks and coming home at a decent time) and after every talk, things are looking up, but then she'll go out one night and come home even later...and then the cycle begins again. It should also be noted that the people that she is hanging out at the bar with, while she calls them friends, are not involved in any other part of her life, never call her just to talk or anything like that, and they are all single (male and female). I'll also add that I do not drink, nor do I like "hanging" out at any bar.

There's also an issue that she has never put me first. From day one I have been nothing more than the second option when something is going on (events, etc) or when her family wants to do something. This is the exact opposite for me. I have made her my #1 in everything I do (without being asked, I might add). I don't regret doing this...I would do it over again because of the love I have for her.

We have separated twice in the last 6 months, because of the staying out late issue, and are actually separated right now (this is the 2nd time) because she was supposed to go to a house party (jewelry party) but instead she chose to go to the bar and come home at 3:30am (without even calling to say where she is).

I guess my main question is...am I overreacting to this or am I justified to feel this way? Divorce has been a serious consideration because it seems like she has a blatant disregard for our marriage and feels like she can do whatever without any consequence, despite the numerous conversations we've had about this issue and how I've made my feelings perfectly clear.

I'm open to any and all comments/advice that anybody wants to share.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i dont think you are overreacting. but it also sounds like you two are very different. did she hang out at bars a lot before you were married? I personally do not drink and ive never been to a bar. neither has my H. I would never even consider someone with that lifestyle b/c its the complete opposite of myself. 

Just my personal opinion, but i think if she has always been like this it would be wrong of you to try and change her. you're just too different. you should probably find someone that is more like you.


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## Confused10 (May 8, 2009)

Blanca: Thank you for replying!

We started dating in high school, and at the time, we were both partying pretty much every weekend and we got married at 19, so bars were not an issue at that time. Since then (9 years), I've grown into the type that doesn't need/want that lifestyle, and up until we moved back "home", neither has she. She never once went to the bars when we were living away from our family. It should probably be noted that her parents drink nightly and at the age of 50+, still close down the bar on occasion.

I definitely agree with your statement of us being different and I'm not trying to change her. The last thing I want to do is make her be someone that she isn't, just for the sake of our marriage. 

I'm just tired of being the only one fighting for our marriage on a consistent basis, and even though I hate to admit it, you're probably also right about finding someone more like me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Confused10 said:


> She never once went to the bars when we were living away from our family. It should probably be noted that her parents drink nightly and at the age of 50+, still close down the bar on occasion.


well you may consider moving away from the fam. but even still, i would be leery of someone who chose that lifestyle for fun. even if you did move away, if this is how she has fun, then she'll probably revert back to it when things are stressful. It doesnt envite a good environment for kids, IMO.

and it may even be the case that she's not happy, and you're not giving her what she needs so she's running away to try and reclaim her youth. but needs are not met a lot of times in marriage and if this is how she responds, its gonna be a tough road. 

but you know, ive never drank or lived that lifestyle. i despise it so strongly that i married someone who is alergic to alcohol. so my views are extremely one sided. hopefully someone else who manages that lifestyle in their marriage will chime in.


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