# Separation..The Right Move?



## baltimorebarry (Dec 7, 2011)

My wife and I of 8 years are separating staring tomorrow. I am going to help her move and get situated. The plan is to use the time from under the same roof to re-connect. I wanted to try counseling first but she needs this time to think. We plan on meeting for drinks once a week and visiting each other. We decided that dating other people would be out of the question,so that seems promising. Counseling will then take place. We have a daughter who will be staying with her during the week and me on the weekends. Basically, we are still committed to our marriage but live 15 minutes apart. There is no time table as to when the separation should end because I have been such an ass that I don't want to put anymore pressure on the situation. Plus I want her to willingly come back home to me with no reservations. I feel if I do the right things by her and change my ways for the better,then she will return. If she does not come back to me then I will move on and take care of my daughter. It just sucks knowing that you hurt someone's feeling so bad for so long that they need to be away from you.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

baltimorebarry said:


> My wife and I of 8 years are separating staring tomorrow. I am going to help her move and get situated. The plan is to use the time from under the same roof to re-connect. I wanted to try counseling first but she needs this time to think. We plan on meeting for drinks once a week and visiting each other. We decided that dating other people would be out of the question,so that seems promising. Counseling will then take place. We have a daughter who will be staying with her during the week and me on the weekends. Basically, we are still committed to our marriage but live 15 minutes apart. There is no time table as to when the separation should end because I have been such an ass that I don't want to put anymore pressure on the situation. Plus I want her to willingly come back home to me with no reservations. I feel if I do the right things by her and change my ways for the better,then she will return. If she does not come back to me then I will move on and take care of my daughter. It just sucks knowing that you hurt someone's feeling so bad for so long that they need to be away from you.



I completely understand you. I'm in the same situation. I spent so many years hurting someone that I'm supposed to love, honor, cherish, and protect, and I'm just now realizing the effects of my actions. At least you guys are going to try counseling and see if you can repair your marriage! Right now my marriage is hanging on by threads. I'm hoping eventually we can just get to the point of trying counseling. I'm glad you can recognize the issues at hand and fix them before it may be too late. I too, feel like if I do the right things and fix my problems she will come back. Only time will tell. Good luck and praying for you!


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## needtobehappy (Dec 6, 2011)

If you don't mind me asking. What happened? What did you do to cause her pain? Has this happened before in your marriage?


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## baltimorebarry (Dec 7, 2011)

I slowly stopped being a caring person over the years. I would tell her things like:"I am not the man for you" or "I don't think I love you". These words were not true, but I would say them from time to time in the heat of arguments. She tried talking with me and expressed how those words made her feel. I was so bent on getting her to see my point of view that I lost sight of how to be a gentleman and listen to her side. Eventually it lead to her sleeping with another guy and wanting a separation. Only then was I able to actually listen her and find out my short comings as a husband. That is why I don't blame her. Yeah she should have said something before she cheated but I have been cheating her out of being treated like lady for a long time. Whether or not we work out, at least I can recognize that I need to be extremely aware of my ability to mentally abuse someone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was realy abusive also and my wife slept around alot. its been 20 month since I confronted her. My biggest concern with seperating was the fact that both our behaviors wouldn't change and it would have created a bigger distanct between us. We are doing great and having a real R.

My question is, how do you deal with your concerns regarding her keeping her end of the burgian. Aren"t you worried about her contacting her boy friend of finding a new one. You would have to agree that the dynamics of the marriage will continue to deteriorate if there was someone else?

It just seems to me that seperating is only one step away from divorce. On the other hand "working it out" should be done together.

I'm curious as to your take on my view.


In short, I screwed with her head for so many years and she forgave me, she screwed with 20 other men for 13 years and I forgave her, but we did it together not seperately.


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## baltimorebarry (Dec 7, 2011)

My wife has a lot of advice coming from her friends and family. She needed validation for separating and they fed right into it. Her mom paid for her to rent a new place and bought all new furniture. I feel her mom could have been a bit more diplomatic concerning our relationship. Instead she just helped my wife move out instead of giving her some valuable insight as to what she is doing. Now it feels as though my wife is acting like a child and not confronting the issues we have. That's why I went along with her leaving because we both need to see how life would be without living with each other. As for wondering if she will contact any other men, I can't concern my self with that type of thinking, it's a waste of time. That's like wondering if somebody will rob me.


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

baltimorebarry said:


> My wife has a lot of advice coming from her friends and family. She needed validation for separating and they fed right into it. Her mom paid for her to rent a new place and bought all new furniture. I feel her mom could have been a bit more diplomatic concerning our relationship. Instead she just helped my wife move out instead of giving her some valuable insight as to what she is doing. Now it feels as though my wife is acting like a child and not confronting the issues we have. That's why I went along with her leaving because we both need to see how life would be without living with each other. As for wondering if she will contact any other men, I can't concern my self with that type of thinking, it's a waste of time. That's like wondering if somebody will rob me.


This is exactly what happened to me. My W's mother paid her deposit on her flat and bought all her furniture. She has given my W bad advice all through our marriage.

Of course, she was a cheater as well and I honestly believe that she would have helped my W with pleasure.

Sad, selfish people.


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## LEDWA1982 (Sep 23, 2011)

What do you do if anything when you have all those outside negative influences? My husband's friends and family are definitely a driving force in our separation and soon to be divorce. I always knew they were not to be trusted, but tried for my husband's benefit. When my husband told me previously that he had been discussing our relationship with all these people, I expressed extreme concern and asked him not to put people in the middle. IMO everybody's relationship is different and it is easy to pass judgement when you are only hearing one side. He obviously continued to do so. I still get pretty angry when I think of how these individuals were smiling to my face while spreading BS behind my back to him. Ultimately, what goes around comes around as far as they are concerned. But today I really started to feel sorry for my husband because when he realizes what he has allowed to happen because of other people he is going to have some serious regrets.


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