# Its been 4 years.



## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

Hello,

I've been lurking for a few days just reading through the stories, so many are very similar, so it'll be nice to share with people who have been through the same ordeal. 

I was married very young, I was 24(I'm 29 now) and she was 22 at the time. Both of us graduated college and moved onto careers, and we're already looking into things like buying a house, kids, etc. The thing is that I never saw any of the warning signs, she was not distant, she did not withhold sex and we always we're trying new ways to keep it interesting, she did not pick fights, In our two year relationship prior to marraige she gave me no reason not to trust her. Maybe thats why it came out of the blue, because her and the OM had to have been building this for a while without me seeing the signs. 

The OM was at the time one of my best friends, I actually met her through him. She was invited over by a mutual friend and instantly we hit it off. Of course the OM and her always stayed in contact due to our circle of friends, but nothing ever that would even constitute flirting, besides the making fun of eachother that we all did on a daily basis(which most close social groups seem to do). When things changed was apparently the day my mom died, I live in the midwest and she lived in Florida at the time. She and my mom we're never really close, and she had some important interviews so I went alone to take care of the estate for a week. 

Apparently the first night I was away they all got together, drinks we're had and they we're flirting all night, which ended up with her going back to his place and sealing the deal. I wasn't in a great state mentally when I got home, but even then her attitiude towards me didn't seem to change. And apparently they began to see eachother over long lunch breaks, or instead of going to the gym she was at his house. 

It was actually the OM that broke it, over a couple of months apparently the guilt got to him and he confessed, and myself not believing it he sent me a few of their text conversations. With the passing of my mother and this on top of things, I don't even remember being angry. Its like I just shut myself off. So I decided to confront her. 

Her reaction still shocks me to this day, I expected her to attempt to make this my fault but she went overboard. I believe she was deliberatly trying to hurt me, make me feel less so she could feel better about herself. Saying She loves him more in three months then she did in the two years, she deserves to be with someone like him, he is bigger and better in the bedroom department, and how she was just settling for me. I exposed her on myspace(2007, it was still around). Let her parents know, who we're furious with her as they always liked me. After She said those things I refused to let her stay with me, asked her to leave and that she can pick her things up at a future date. 

The OM decided to end it with her as well. In which she also took that out on me, saying I was intentionally ruining her future, etc. I didn't even know who she was anymore, I didn't understand why this happened or who this person was. We got an annulment since it was only a couple months in, thanks to her parents she didn't fight over anything. 

I pretty much cut her off completely, but I caught mind that she starting dating right away, and now is actually engaged. I don't really see the OM anymore either, just a sick feeling I get around him even though he's tried to repair things the best he could. 

I guess the hardest part is I haven't recovered. 

Its been four years and I'm bitter, I read through sites of women cheating, I live in a bar town and my current roommate who is the player type is bringing home women night after night, most of them taken or Married. I can't look or even speak with a woman without thinking that she is full of it, is disgusted by me, or wants my roommate. And even when I did, I'm afraid of being intimate with a woman because of the things she said stayed with me, I don't feel like a man anymore, I'm small and useless in bed, so I have no confidence left and its been two years since I've been with anyone. 

I've been in and out of jobs for the last few years, seen several therapists, tried medications, I do the things I'm supposed to like work on myself, I'm in good shape now, but I think my lack of confidence must stick out like a sore thumb since I never get talked too. Yet I can't shake it, the emptiness, the jelousy, the anger, the bitterness. 

I guess its good to just get it out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What have your therapists told you to do? 

Did you do those things?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What kind of therapists have you seen? How long did you see each?
What did the therapists say?

Have you seen your MD for depression? If not, you should. There are some good meds for depression. But the one thing you should do right now is lose your roomie.

The constant exposure to the cheating going on in your shared room will only keep reminding you of the vile wh0re you were married to and reinforce your low opinion of women in general.

All women, even most women are not that way. There are plenty of wonderful women that share your values. But fix yourself before you try to find a relationship.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Organized 
There is a member that may have some suggestion to help you. His name is Morituri. You can Search for his name and send him a PM. He had a traumatic cheating situation with his wife. 

He recovered and found love. You can too. Right now you are floundering but reaching out here is one of many steps you can take to regain your equilibrium.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

Mostly Talk therapy, which I'm not sure if it was that helpful but maybe it helped to just be able to share my thoughts, tried to get me to take part in activities that I found enjoyable like various sports programs, boating, fishing, hiking, just get me back to things that I did for myself. Only tried one medication which was Paxil right after it happened which didn't seem to change all that much, plus I started having thyroid problems so they thought it would be best I stay off the medications until they had that sorted out. And honestly I've never been back on them, And due to my lack of good health insurance currently my options for continuing therapy and various medications is decently limited to what I can afford out of pocket. 

I know I need to find a new place, I am constantly exposed to to most likely only the shallow side of women with my roommate. But he is my best friend and over the last three years I can't think of one person who had honestly invested more in helping me then this guy.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

Depression is something I've dealt with since I was honestly single digits in age, so Its nothing new to me. But its pretty obvious I'm in a very dark depression, I just don't have many days where I look back and think I was happy. 

Weepy crap I know, but I'm just hoping if I keep working I'll find some positive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then, sans medication, the #1 relief for depression, which you do seem to have is EXERCISE.

How are you exercising? How much each week?

And did you ever do what your therapist said (who was right, btw) about getting out and taking up activities again?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Read rookie's story. He went through something like you.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61712-could-you-reconcile.html


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Change the roommate.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

No reconcile with her if thats what you meant, shes engaged and moved off somewhere. Don't care really. 

I do exersize, 4x a week doing mostly heavy weight training, although every other day I'll throw in 20 minutes of cardio work as well. Never got too much for results until I started really packing on the whey protein and a heavy protein diet, now I seem to be adding some lean muscle. Downside of my thyroid is that Its really hard to get a cut midsection when your body loves to retain fat. 

I think my roommate is making me a little counterproductive in this department, he is a very good looking guy, worked out for 8 years and women will literally kiss him if he asks(I've seen it). And this isn't who I am at all, I'm not a one night stand guy, I'd be happy just to meet someone and have a good discussion about sports, or current events. But he does expose me to shallow women who only seem to judge you based on face value. 

I just hope not all women view men in the shallow ways I hear them talk.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Women that don't view men in a shallow light you will never see your roomate bring back home with them as they are not the easy type he is looking for.

There are good women out there. But you need to ditch your player of a roomate. That environment is not good for mental well being! No wonder you are in a funk - you are constantly exposed to a "cheaters" environment. 

Get out of there man....


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

I think I might just need a new city as well. I live in a college bar town, and the only thing to do, and the only way to meet people. We all know what you find at bars most of the time. This city is one giant cheaters environment.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Just remember that everything your ex-wife said was said in anger and lies. She was "in love" with the OM (your former best friend) yet he dumped her - so what kind of "love" was that? She was seriously deluded.

Cheating on you after such a short period is the sign of a seriously flawed person. She is and was broken. And again - why would you worry about what a fcked up person like her thinks? You are better than that.

You are far better off without her. Believe it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OrganizedChaos said:


> I just hope not all women view men in the shallow ways I hear them talk.


 Trust me, they don't. Guys like that are for having fun with. But lots of girls want someone to get serious with. My DD22 has a checklist, to date someone: can't play guitar, can't be a smoker, can't be a jock, must be getting at least a Bachelors degree, and must have a love for learning new stuff.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What activities are you involved in? What are you interested in?


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

Cedarman I agree, I didn't question myself after I kicked her out. I somehow in two years never saw this side of her, I'm not sure how I missed it. I don't really miss her, but what killed me was just how easy it seemed for her to hurt me, put me down, and make me feel like nothing. 

What do I like to do? Believe it or not I am a social person, I like parties, concerts, sporting events, I'm a foodie, traveling, huge Packers and Brewers fan, I play dodgeball at the local YMCA and help run the kids version, I play guitar and am part of a local band, I have no shortage of things to do. Just for whatever reason There is always something there when I go to sleep, and when i wake up.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

On the bright side, you didn't invest years and years with this woman and have her children. She did you a favor by showing her true colors early on.

Good riddance. You seem like a sweet guy, but you need to up your confidence. Develop some swagger. Dress really nice, be confident, and don't go hunting for women. Do what you love to do - live your life. When you are out there living YOUR life, having fun, not thinking about her or other women, that's when you'll meet some cool ladies. 

Your ex is seriously damaged goods. You are not. Be thankful she's not poisoning your life any more. Get out and live your life, for you. Good things will come to you.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

OC, yours is one of the saddest tales of betrayal that I've read here.

Have you ever thought about seeing a hypnotist?

There are also some great self-hypnosis programs available on the 'net. Google 'Paul McKenna' - I've used a few of his programs and they helped me get through some tough times.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

Yes I am glad I didn't buy a house, have kids and start down that road. Because I'm sure even if this situation was avoided she would have popped eventually. 

Confidence is definatly my problem, the issue is I've never had high confidence, so its hard to develop whats never been there. Although I do have my moments where for whatever reason I seem to be on my game. I never go hunting for women, I go out with my roommate because I like to go out and play pool, darts, etc. And usually take care of my blacked out roomie by the end of the night. 

Count, I'm not sure if that would work on me. I have a very open mind for those kind of things, but with my luck all I would uncover is some traumatic alien abduction memory my brain dreamed up.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

OrganizedChaos said:


> Count, I'm not sure if that would work on me. I have a very open mind for those kind of things, but with my luck all I would uncover is some traumatic alien abduction memory my brain dreamed up.


:rofl:

It's nice to see that you still have your sense of humor. The key now is to get out of your comfort zone. Ditch the roommate. His lifestyle is not conducive to your recovery. Also, move out of that college town. Go somewhere that you've always wanted to visit.

Oh, you definitely dodged a bullet by not having kids with your evil Ex.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

I have an oddball sense of humor, usually doesn't come out until i'm comfortable with someone. 

I'm researching going back to college for a career change, and Moving to ******* Wisconsin(I live in la crosse, WI now). Still a college town, but at least its a little more grown up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like living with that roommate is what's tripping you up.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

Not sure, Maybe I need a different wingman? 

otherwise I'd be the creepy guy at the end of the bar and nobody wants that. 

I'm glad this forum is so nice, I'm patrolled a few others and if i would have said what I would have 10 pages on insults so far.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I just thought of something. She might have had a personality disorder. I think knowledge is power. If she does you will know it was her illness and not you. 

People with personality disorders can hide it for years. It comes out subtly. If you don't know what to look for, you'll miss it. 

Here is are links to PD. See if she fits one of those. 

The 10 Personality Disorders | Psychology Today

Borderline Personality Disorder | Psychology Today


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just wait she'll e cheating on her new husband too. Once a cheater like her, always a cheater.

You should post her on cheaterville.com, maybe her new victim (fiancé) will see it and escape.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OC,
She betrayed you, insulted you, and did not respect you, the marital relationship. She is gone and you are back with you.
That was in 4 years ago, and you are still hurt, not recovered from her betrayal.
Betrayal are not easy to deal with. They remain until death.
The point is you have self-esteem issues.
You should deal with this.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OC,

There is great hope! There are incredible women who are out there looking and wondering the same things you are. What you have experienced is so demeaning and I can relate to a certain degree. 

A couple of things I noticed in your threads. First as has been mentioned you need to lose the roommate. It is great he has been there for you but he is not helping you any longer. Second? Please give up the bar life. No wonder you are not finding the right person. 

Get more involved in those good activities you are involved in. Volunteer for something you are passionate about and find someone who is equally passionate about it. 

Thanks for coming here and sharing your story with us. Thanks for trusting these folks. 98% of the people on this site genuinely want to help you sort things out so you can move forward with your life. Trusting here will help you springboard back to a normal life. A little heartfelt advice, implementation, some IC and you will be on your way.

We are pulling for you!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*OrganizedChaos*:

Buy and read "Married Man Sex Life Primer".

Here's a link to MMSL on amazon.com:

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

It's not a "sex book", per se, but it will give you some insight into male/female relationships, "game" in the dating marketplace, and a fast track to gaining confidence in yourself.

Cheers


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

This is a tough issue to read about. I feel for you. 

I have a strong defensive personality and ego when I feel someone is disrespecting and [email protected] me. ( I know the line between constructive criticism and disrespect) I wont let the other person win or punk me out because of my stubbornness and the uncanny ability to say "F#$K YOU!!" under the most hopeless situations. 

My thinking is:
"What the f#$K makes a person think they're soooooo important and special, that they feel they have the power and influence to treat me like [email protected]???????"

The answer is the is *Nothing*, because I refuse to let them win by not backing down mentally and physically. 

Why? because:

"The person disrespecting me breathes air like me, puts their pants on every mourning like me, and bleeds like ME".
You get the picture.

That women has power and influence over you mentally because YOU allow it to. But think about it like this. 

-Who is she? (a cheating [email protected]) 
-Why did she do?(cheat on you) 
-What happened when you confronted her?( She said everything a women could say to emasculate a man. She purposely pressed all your buttons to weaken you and defend her actions because she is a spiteful HO)

Ask yourself this, is she truly a creditable, honorable, dependable, and respectful person who YOU should listen too?? Does she deserve your attention and influence over you......HEEEELLLL NOOOOO. Don't even give this ho a second thought any longer.

There are billions of women on this planet. Thousand upon thousands around your local area. *Don't let her win because of the [email protected] she said out of defense for her whorish actions. *

*Do well for yourself and hold your chin up, brush the dirt off your shoulder, and move on.* And guess what? Life will knock you down again in the future, but what will you do? *Do well for yourself and hold your chin up, brush the dirt off your shoulder, and move on.* 

Now to recap everything I said in a few words: [email protected]#K HER.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

I need to leave the bar life I know, not the right kind of poeple I want to meet. I do volunteer at the local YMCA, I don't volunteer just for a chance to meet women, I go there because I enjoy playing dodgeball(Some of these older guys take it way too seriously), and then I like teaching kids how to work as a team. 

One of the problems with Wisconsin is drinking is a huge part of the cultural norm, while some meet at a coffee shop, we meet at a bar to have a beer for example. Although we have no shortage of coffee shops. One of my passions is trying new beers from various microbreweries, so I doubt that part of me will ever leave. I stay away from the 'college' bars although the 21-23 year olds are impossible to avoid since we have 4 colleges in my city. And I'm not a big fan of kids, and yes I consider college people still kids. Just look how much I messed up right out of college. 

I do a lot more in the summer months, opens up the water for recreation, hiking, camping, paintball, softball leagues, I've always liked competative sports. 

I ran into her last weekend, I guess she was in town visiting friends. She was by herself at a bar/resturaunt and her fiance was off somewhere else. She wanted me to stay, to catch up, in all honesty I didn't want to stay and have her go on about her new life. I don't have any feelings left for her. Only the paranoia she left me with.


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