# Crushes when married



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.

Overall, my husband and I have a solid marriage. We have had some issues lately due to communication but are working through it. My husband treats me wonderfully and is very loving/caring. I know he truly wants me to be happy. He also comes from a Christian upbringing and comes from a family of very stable, happy marriages...meaning he has had wonderful examples of what marriage should be. And I also wanted to add, we are planning on trying for a baby soon.

I'm currently going to counseling to work through some self image/self esteem issues as I haven't been feeling great about myself in quite some time, and haven't felt like an adequate wife, despite my husband's reassurance that he's very happy. 

I believe these issues are why I'm concerned about my husband having a potential crush.

He told me years ago before we married that he wasn't interested in having female friends, because it was difficult to keep it platonic and he always developed feelings. I later brought this up after we married, and he said he feels differently about it now that he's married, since it takes any pressure off the table. But I also haven't been able to forget when he said pre-marriage. 

In the last couple of months, he has invited a female colleague (that he rarely sees) to a few outdoor group outings. I am always there. He has mentioned a couple times he thinks she's attractive (once to a friend and once to me when I mentioned introducing her to said friend), and he has also talked about thinking she's cool and has a great personality. I also know they talk on social media sometimes. 

Since I'm feeling poorly about myself right now, of course I started comparing myself to her and convinced myself he preferred someone like her over me. 

I can't be completely sure, but I feel like he might have a crush on her, which I know is normal in a long-term marriage. I truly believe he would never intentionally be unfaithful. What I am worried about is that I'm afraid he goes out of his way to see her. I think he enjoys being around her, and I worry about his feelings/attraction growing the more he is around her.

I've felt a spark with a couple of men since being with my husband, but I've immediately cut off contact and avoided them from there on out. If he felt something for this chick, I would hope he'd do the same to avoid any complicated feelings. 

Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks in advance.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.
> 
> Overall, my husband and I have a solid marriage. We have had some issues lately due to communication but are working through it. My husband treats me wonderfully and is very loving/caring. I know he truly wants me to be happy. He also comes from a Christian upbringing and comes from a family of very stable, happy marriages...meaning he has had wonderful examples of what marriage should be. And I also wanted to add, we are planning on trying for a baby soon.
> 
> ...


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> GeorgiaPeach915 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.
> ...


Thanks. What would you personally consider a line crossed? I'm trying to be ok with my husband having female friends but after his comment from years ago and knowing it has ended badly for other people, I'm struggling with that.


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Does he know that you're in counseling due to self-image issues?

If I knew that, I wouldn't think it would be helpful for my wife if I started talking about some hot young chick.


----------



## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Don't beat yourself up over this... Your human!! This too will pass!


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences.


I've noticed that many people have different ideas about what "having a crush" means and this will often contribute to a wide variety of opinions about the ramifications of a crush. To me, it means having a romantic feeling for someone mostly caused by a strong physical attraction. If single people have a crush on someone in their daily lives, they are encouraged to ask them out. Therefore, with my definition, a crush has a bit of significance. 

When you and your husband are with his female colleague, is he affectionate with you? ie. hold your hand? Does she sometimes join you and your husband and it is just the three of you or is it only in group situations?


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

toblerone said:


> Does he know that you're in counseling due to self-image issues?
> 
> If I knew that, I wouldn't think it would be helpful for my wife if I started talking about some hot young chick.


Yes, he does, and he felt terrible afterward when I mentioned it. We've discussed other females being attractive before(never bothered me), which is why I don't think he thought much of it. But never a young work colleague that he also thinks is really cool.....lol.

He said until I am back to feeling like myself, we shouldn't discuss any females' appearances.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> GeorgiaPeach915 said:
> 
> 
> > Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences.
> ...


It's always just the group. And yes, he has been affectionate with me before (hugs, kisses) in front of the group. But he does talk to her a lot when she is around (so do I, I actually get along well with her). In his defense, she doesn't know too many others that go on these outings, so I can see why.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> It's always just the group. And yes, he has been affectionate with me before (hugs, kisses) in front of the group. But he does talk to her a lot when she is around (so do I, I actually get along well with her). In his defense, she doesn't know too many others that go on these outings, so I can see why.


We're all different from each other, but I think that it's a good sign that your husband is still affectionate with you in front of her.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Fear that thing.

That foreboding thing that looms large in your life.
If it enters your mind, it enters his...and OW's.
................................................................................................
I am naturally protective...not jealous.
That is not to say that jealousy does not factor in, in situations like this.
...............................................................................................

Be proactively protective of your mate. Do not encourage him to be with her.
Without sounding weak and needy, tell him that he belongs to you.
And that will not change.


----------



## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I think as long as you are there it seems ok on the outside. That being said if it bothers you and you mention it to him he should drop it right there if you are his wife and it bothers you. I would think that the female friend would understand that and as long as he is honest and up front.


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Think about this, your husband is a good man from what you described. But you, low self esteem is not an attractive quality. It is good you are working on yourself, it sounds like it might be innocent but where you are emotionally is causing you to think differently.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

It doesn't sound like he has crossed a line to me, but nor does it sound like you're being irrational. He seems to have acknowledged that he was being slightly insensitive to you. In fact, he sounds like a good dude all round, so I'd just discuss it with him over a period of time, softly softly.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.
> 
> Overall, my husband and I have a solid marriage. We have had some issues lately due to communication but are working through it. My husband treats me wonderfully and is very loving/caring. I know he truly wants me to be happy. He also comes from a Christian upbringing and comes from a family of very stable, happy marriages...meaning he has had wonderful examples of what marriage should be. And I also wanted to add, we are planning on trying for a baby soon.
> 
> ...


Your gut is telling you something is off. Trust your gut. Further, not in a million years would I tell my W that a chick who is a friend is attractive, fun and all that jazz. Hell, I don't say that about movie stars or performers who I would never have contact with for that matter.

Your H is working on an EA IMO.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> It's always just the group. And yes, he has been affectionate with me before (hugs, kisses) in front of the group. But he does talk to her a lot when she is around (so do I, I actually get along well with her). In his defense, she doesn't know too many others that go on these outings, so I can see why.


It is great your H is affectionate with you in your group. But, again, your gut is talking. You ended up here with questions and concerns.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> GeorgiaPeach915 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.
> ...


I would agree, but with my current anxiety issues, I don't know what's anxiety and what's my gut anymore. My "gut" has just been anxiety before. That's mostly why I'm here...to get the opinions of others because my thinking is so clouded by anxiety lately.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

vauxhall101 said:


> It doesn't sound like he has crossed a line to me, but nor does it sound like you're being irrational. He seems to have acknowledged that he was being slightly insensitive to you. In fact, he sounds like a good dude all round, so I'd just discuss it with him over a period of time, softly softly.


Any thoughts on how to bring it up? We've had so many "deep" conversations lately due to working through things, I don't want to dump this on him or accuse him of anything.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

JayDee7 said:


> Think about this, your husband is a good man from what you described. But you, low self esteem is not an attractive quality. It is good you are working on yourself, it sounds like it might be innocent but where you are emotionally is causing you to think differently.


I agreed, it's not attractive. That's why I'm so unsure of what to think, because my mind just isn't thinking rationally or logically right now. 

I very much am ready to move on from my current state of mind. It's miserable.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> I would agree, but with my current anxiety issues, I don't know what's anxiety and what's my gut anymore. My "gut" has just been anxiety before. That's mostly why I'm here...to get the opinions of others because my thinking is so clouded by anxiety lately.


Ah, anxiety. My W has it but it concerns doctor visits. Always thinking something physically drastic will be found. But, that is not unfounded on her part as her parents did have diagnosis from doctors that were physically drastic. So I do my best to comfort her before doctor visits. That's a whole other thread. 

Now back to you, other than stating this person is attractive, fun, witty and the cats meow, what else has your H done that has you on edge concerning the opposite sex? I'll state again, advising you another woman is attractive is something I would never say to my W. Attractive to me means interest. I'm attracted. Stating someone is good looking has a bit less bite IMO. But you know, why would you care of your H opinion on how he believes another female looks? Did you ask your H opinion on this friends looks? I'm guessing no.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> Any thoughts on how to bring it up? We've had so many "deep" conversations lately due to working through things, I don't want to dump this on him or accuse him of anything.


Maybe say exactly that! Tell him that you don't want a 'deep' conversation about it, and you don't want to dump on him, make clear that you're not blaming him and you're very grateful that he is sensitive to it, you're just feeling a little bit insecure and would like him to reassure you in that way he is so good at (some ego-stroking is always a good thing to husbands).


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> Any thoughts on how to bring it up? We've had so many "deep" conversations lately due to working through things, I don't want to dump this on him or accuse him of anything.


There is nothing your are dumping. You are missing something in your marriage that you would like to see. The 5 languages of love: gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch. Your appears to perhaps be words of affirmation or your H stating you are attractive, fun and witty? If your H does not know what you like to see/hear then he will not do it. 

My W likes words of affirmation first, physical touch second. I do both. A lot. Stating a female friend is attractive kills any words of affirmation I have for my W. 

Talk to your H about it. Holding it in does no good.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Ah, anxiety. My W has it but it concerns doctor visits. Always thinking something physically drastic will be found. But, that is not unfounded on her part as her parents did have diagnosis from doctors that were physically drastic. So I do my best to comfort her before doctor visits. That's a whole other thread.
> 
> Now back to you, other than stating this person is attractive, fun, witty and the cats meow, what else has your H done that has you on edge concerning the opposite sex? I'll state again, advising you another woman is attractive is something I would never say to my W. Attractive to me means interest. I'm attracted. Stating someone is good looking has a bit less bit IMO. But you know, why would you care of your H opinion on how he believes another female looks? Did you ask your H opinion on this friends looks? I'm guessing no.


It came up because I said we should introduce her to another single friend of ours, and he goes "Hmmm, yeah, possibly" and then mentioned her being cute. Then later on, when I brought it up to the friend, my husband again said she was attractive.

Like I mentioned above, we've discussed females' attractiveness before (I usually bring it up), but with everything else (saying she was cool, inviting her to our outings, etc), it just really rubbed me the wrong way.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Tell him exactly what you told us. If you can't be vulnerable with him (even if it's a hint of jealousy) then what is the point of marriage? 
I think it's pretty odd that he invites her to group outings and they talk on social media. This would never fly in my marriage.
There's a notion floating around about walls and windows in a marriage. A brick wall needs to be up at all times, IMO. His aren't.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> There is nothing your are dumping. You are missing something in your marriage that you would like to see. The 5 languages of love: gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch. Your appears to perhaps be words of affirmation or your H stating you are attractive, fun and witty? If your H does not know what you like to see/hear then he will not do it.
> 
> My W likes words of affirmation first, physical touch second. I do both. A lot. Stating a female friend is attractive kills any words of affirmation I have for my W.
> 
> Talk to your H about it. Holding it in does no good.


Thanks for the feedback. I am learning not to hold things in and how to communicate effectively, hence the MANY conversations we've had lately, lol. I've been immediately telling him when something bothers me, but I admit I have held back on this because I don't want to be irrational. I really just don't want to burn him out, though I know we're just in a phase and I tell him it's not going to be like this forever. 

I think I would like to have a boundaries discussion. I plan on having a conversation with my counselor tomorrow about this, and maybe afterward will be a good time to bring it up to my husband.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

katies said:


> Tell him exactly what you told us. If you can't be vulnerable with him (even if it's a hint of jealousy) then what is the point of marriage?
> I think it's pretty odd that he invites her to group outings and they talk on social media. This would never fly in my marriage.
> There's a notion floating around about walls and windows in a marriage. A brick wall needs to be up at all times, IMO. His aren't.


I am very vulnerable with him. I have been in a very dark place the last few months, and he has been very supportive. So I know I can bring this up. I'm just trying to be rational about it. 

The social media thing is every so often ...they'll exchange a tweet here or there. No private messages. And I feel bad for even checking his tweets!!!

Are you opposed to your husband having female friends or periodically talking to females publicly on social media? My mother was very controlling toward my father growing up, and that's the last thing I want to be, and think that's why I'm holding back. I feel like there's a fine line between protecting your marriage and being controlling, and I'm trying to figure out what that is.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> It came up because I said we should introduce her to another single friend of ours, and he goes "Hmmm, yeah, possibly" and then mentioned her being cute. Then later on, when I brought it up to the friend, my husband again said she was attractive.
> 
> Like I mentioned above, we've discussed females' attractiveness before (I usually bring it up), but with everything else (saying she was cool, inviting her to our outings, etc), it just really rubbed me the wrong way.


And your gut kicked in. Your H is thinking about her. My W will bring up that OW is pretty, attractive, etc. I would never do that. My W has never said to me OM was hot, attractive or good looking. Doing this ruins the others self-esteem IMO. It is ruining yours from the sound of it. 

I strongly advise you tell your H your are not ok with him rating the looks of other women. How would he feel if you continually stated a male friend is attractive?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> I am very vulnerable with him. I have been in a very dark place the last few months, and he has been very supportive. So I know I can bring this up. I'm just trying to be rational about it.
> 
> The social media thing is every so often ...they'll exchange a tweet here or there. No private messages. And I feel bad for even checking his tweets!!!
> 
> Are you opposed to your husband having female friends or periodically talking to females publicly on social media? My mother was very controlling toward my father growing up, and that's the last thing I want to be, and think that's why I'm holding back. I feel like there's a fine line between protecting your marriage and being controlling, and I'm trying to figure out what that is.


My W has never said to me I should not have female friends. I have very little idle chit chat from time to time with a mutual female friend. Some conversation at a party. Truth be told, that only occurs once in a blue moon. I have no interest going beyond that with female friends. My W is my friend. We do just about everything together. I don't require any more then that as far as companionship. My W will see her female friends once a month. She has no male friends other than mutual married couples we know. Even so that this is the case, neither would repeatedly state another is attractive. 

It is almost as if, to me, you H is having his own private EA with this OW.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> And your gut kicked in. Your H is thinking about her. My W will bring up that OW is pretty, attractive, etc. I would never do that. My W has never said to me OM was hot, attractive or good looking. Doing this ruins the others self-esteem IMO. It is ruining yours from the sound of it.
> 
> I strongly advise you tell your H your are not ok with him rating the looks of other women. How would he feel if you continually stated a male friend is attractive?


I admittedly have commented on the looks of men, but not anyone we know. I actually brought that up to him as an example (what if I complimented your friend?) and he agreed it could possibly bother him. The problem is, my husband is so very laid back and takes nothing personally. So sometimes I think he doesn't realize what he is saying is insensitive, because it wouldn't bother him. I do agree we need to sit down and have a talk about it soon.

Since calling him out on complimenting her looks, we haven't seen her.


----------



## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> My W has never said to me I should not have female friends. I have very little idle chit chat from time to time with a mutual female friend. Some conversation at a party. Truth be told, that only occurs once in a blue moon. I have no interest going beyond that with female friends. My W is my friend. We do just about everything together. I don't require any more then that as far as companionship. My W will see her female friends once a month. She has no male friends other than mutual married couples we know. Even so that this is the case, neither would repeatedly state another is attractive.
> 
> It is almost as if, to me, you H is having his own private EA with this OW.


EA?

Edit: Oh, emotional affair. I really don't think that's the case at this point. I know they don't see or talk to each other privately. He is very open with his phone, computer, etc. As I stated in my post, I'm more worried about his feelings growing over time if she continues to come around.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> EA?


EA=emotional affair. 

For me, someone repeatedly saying something is really having deep thought about it. Your H repeated how attractive this OW is. I find that it is very odd. I also believe he is thinking about her. Why else would your H keep repeating how OW looks?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> EA?
> 
> Edit: Oh, emotional affair. I really don't think that's the case at this point. I know they don't see or talk to each other privately. He is very open with his phone, computer, etc. As I stated in my post, I'm more worried about his feelings growing over time if she continues to come around.


No, not to the extreme of an EA where both are involved. In his own head. Living a bit of a fantasy in his minds eye. That kind of thing.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> It came up because I said we should introduce her to another single friend of ours, and he goes "Hmmm, yeah, possibly" and then mentioned her being cute. Then later on, when I brought it up to the friend, my husband again said she was attractive.
> 
> Like I mentioned above, we've discussed females' attractiveness before (I usually bring it up), but with everything else (saying she was cool, inviting her to our outings, etc), it just really rubbed me the wrong way.


Two things:

1. Does your husband also describe other women as attractive? 

2. I, personally, didn't mind if previous girlfriends or my wife expressed that she felt uncomfortable about another lady. It was a nice reminder that they still wanted to claim me as their own.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

katies said:


> Tell him exactly what you told us. If you can't be vulnerable with him (even if it's a hint of jealousy) then what is the point of marriage?
> I think it's pretty odd that he invites her to group outings and they talk on social media. This would never fly in my marriage.
> There's a notion floating around about walls and windows in a marriage. A brick wall needs to be up at all times, IMO. His aren't.


I'm quoting Katie's post....this IMO is how you should handle this situation. Talk boundaries. Your feelings on opposite sex friendship. Talking about others physical attributes is not a conversation or opinion that you want to hear. 

Honestly, how would your H feel if you said that some guy is really attractive? Then repeat it again and again. Your H would feel his self-esteem drop.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think you are safe/OK with your husband at this point, but I would also remain vigilante w/o being overbearing about it. I also get the anxiety vs. gut dilemma. It's hard when you've always been able to trust your instincts but suddenly doubt them. Remaining vigilant will help balance the two and you'll be able to 're-calibrate' your gut instinct, so to speak.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> Are you opposed to your husband having female friends or periodically talking to females publicly on social media? My mother was very controlling toward my father growing up, and that's the last thing I want to be, and think that's why I'm holding back. I feel like there's a fine line between protecting your marriage and being controlling, and I'm trying to figure out what that is.


Control is an illusion - your husband is responsible for his own actions. 

Forget rational or irrational. Sure, there's merit in being grounded and considering something (including your own perspective) from various angles... but there's also being human... and sometimes the irrational is exactly what needs to be expressed if that's what you're feeling.

From my experience, my husband is a likeable guy. It's natural for people to gravitate to him. My irrationally rational thought however, knew his female colleague-friend (married) was having to catch a train from her office to meet him for coffee/lunch. And I was not cool with that. The next person on here might not have bat an eyelid. My irrationally rational mind considered the effort she was making to meet with him - leaving her office, walking to train station, catching train, and then to meet my husband... given that she doesn't usually need to leave her office, if I were in her shoes, I'd only do that myself if I was into him. I expressed this quite plainly to him. While he hadn't considered it this way, and didn't agree, he did respect my view. 

While he was Joe Cool, I was Hell No. 

There's a chance I am slightly jealous and protective. Or insecure. I don't really care what the label is. 

He chose to change their plan.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I think you and your husband should stop organizing and/or attending all these "outings" where she is included. She is a threat to your marriage for the very fact that it's making you uncomfortable + he has stated she is attractive and cool. He is married -- honestly, he has no business inviting a single female work colleague anywhere.

Of course he'll say he's including her "just to be nice" or so she "doesn't feel left out", but that's really not his problem. It's creating a problem for you, and that's reason enough to ditch the group outings.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> Are you opposed to your husband having female friends or periodically talking to females publicly on social media? My mother was very controlling toward my father growing up, and that's the last thing I want to be, and think that's why I'm holding back. I feel like there's a fine line between protecting your marriage and being controlling, and I'm trying to figure out what that is.


There is no need for my husband to have any female friends that aren't friends of us as a couple. No need. There is no need for him to have a social media connection with any female friend. It is not controlling. It is doing something honorable. The same goes for me. I honor and respect him by not having male friends on social media or any male friends that aren't first friends of his.


----------

