# Separated and lost need advice



## RN1982 (Sep 25, 2015)

I recently moved out of my house to separate from my husband I love him very much but felt this was needed because he has gotten so drunk multiple times that he has hurt our relationship by being verbally and emotionally abusive as well as desructive of my property. Each time I pleaded that it had to stop because it was ruining our marriage. This last time was the straw that broke the camels back. Afterwards I just felt numb or hurt and depressed because I felt like I wasnt worth enough to him to not binge drink. I decided if I stayed in the house we would get divorced due to my distrust and hurt feelings towards him. He begged me to stay and bent over backwards to do things around the house. I explained that was putting a band aid on the bigger issue and I needed some space to breathe. I dont want a divorce I want our marriage to work but I just feel that he needs to prove to me that he is going to stick with his addiction counseling and that I also need individual therapy followed by marriage counseling. Since I left he did a 180....I remind him that I do love him with all my heart and I want us to work and have a healthy marriage. He is distant and although he says he loves me said he is not 100% invested in making our marriage work which is a different tune than what he was singing a few weeks ago. I am so confused because he calls or texts me every morning and throughout the day. Im hurt because he drove me to make the hard decision to leave. I have been trying to making loving gestures and stave off my anger when talking to him. I just dont know what to do. We are attending our first therapy session together on Wednesday. But I feel like I'm getting such mixed signals from his end with the emotional distance sometimes yet he reaches out to me. If anybody has been in a similar situation advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have children?

Is he willing to go to AA?


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## RN1982 (Sep 25, 2015)

We do not have children together, I have a daughter and he has 5 children from a previous marriage. He is not willing to go to AA but he has been seeing an addiction specialist 1 on 1 for the past 6 weeks which was set up through the police force he works on.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Five children... that's a lot of responsibility. If he cannot handle that sober, how are you going to make it together with him?

His unwillingness to commit is not just an abandonment of you, it is a betrayal of his responsibilities. it is good that you are going meet on Wednesday.

Listen carefully to what he says. Pay attention to what he does.

On Wednesday, ask him if he wants to be in a relationship with boundaries. One more drunken incident and it's over. Does he want that pressure?

Also, since he is a policeman and he loses control, do you feel safe? Does he have firearms?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First, tell him space to breathe includes texting. If he can't respect that, block the number.

Second, this may or may not be a wake up call for him. Sure, he is desperate for you to return. But he needs to commit to lasting changes. The only way to evaluate that is through actions over a sustained period of time.

I would set a time limit for the separation. Maybe 6 months or so. If at the end of that six months, he is not sober and in counseling, you are left with little choice.

If at the end of six months he has made progress, maybe you could begin to date again.

During that six months, get yourself into counseling as well. Get a good healthy look at yourself. Even if you are fairly normal (we are all a little crazy), it would be good to have someplace to unload the years of stress of being married to an alcoholic.

Keep posting.


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## RN1982 (Sep 25, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your input. My counselor suggested to keep communication open. However the communication is so back and forth one minute he is texting me to see how I am doing and the next I get bitter and snide comments from him. For instance I am a nurse in an ICU and a male friend from high school recently died while I was working. He asked if I was alright and said he was sorry then asked if I kissed the person and when I said no I sat with him and held his hand he said he was "mad" and when I asked why he said nevermind. Then said he was just kidding which I didnt find funny. Then tonight he was working security in Philly for the pope visit all day and I called just after midnight to make sure he made it home safe. He was so angry because he was already sleeping. I apologized and said goodnight. He proceded to text me that I only care about myself and that he is "done". I am so hurt by the way he is treating me and dont understand how one minute he wants to make things work and the next he is being so cold hearted.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This is how people react when they are hurt and having difficulty with their role in the breaking down of the relationship. It's part of the grief process and people grieve when their marriages end. Maybe you're not viewing this separation as an end to the marriage but your husband is acting like it is. Between bargaining and anger...he's cycling through grief. As an RN you should be able to spot these but since you're so close to what's going on its clouding your perspective.

I suggest you remind your husband that you would happily embrace a reconciliation once your conditions have been met. However, if he is simulataniously reaching for sobriety, and being a cop he would have to avoid AA meetings that aren't "closed", while trying to cope with the strains and financial hardships of separation....he's got a tough row to hoe.


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