# Mr Nice Guy



## unsureyupper

I was reading this article, and I am essentially the living image of all 6 of the signs of being too nice.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_200/248_dating_advice.html

I certainly recognize it's a problem in my young marriage. My question is, recognizing that this is a problem, how do I actually go about changing things, and righting this ship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

I think first you must dig deep to find out what drives you to be 'too nice'. Is it a fear of abandonment, conflict avoidance, think back to your childhood and how you view your needs. Were your needs important? Or were you taught to suck it up?

Start there. If you can see it's source you can stop it.

The next step is to reclaim yourself without stomping on the other person. Yes its possible. You say things like I'm not okay with that, I don't want to and the most popular word no. Learn that you have rights/needs too and they matter to YOU.

Think carefully before you do things or agree to do things. Do you truly want to do those things or are you acting out of guilt or 'niceness'? Are you afraid of making your wife mad? If you do that thing will you feel resentment later?

It's a process to find your spine but it's totally fixable. You just gotta put the work in.


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## unsureyupper

Regarding your initial question, growing up I was mocked by my parents and siblings for ever having needs. Additionally, in my one prior relationship, it was much the same situation. If I ever voiced a need, I was put on a guilt trip for what a horrible person I was, etc, etc. I finally just stopped voicing my needs in order to avoid that whole charade. However in my marriage now, I feel like I'm in a no win situation. My wife gets on me for being too nice, for being a pushover, etc....yet at the same time, ridicules me for being needy and for ever saying "no" to her the few times that I have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

unsureyupper said:


> However in my marriage now, I feel like I'm in a no win situation. My wife gets on me for being too nice, for being a pushover, etc....yet at the same time, ridicules me for being needy and for ever saying "no" to her the few times that I have.


This behavior by your wife is predictable. She doesn't like your neediness but secretly wants you under her control at the same time. It's normal. 

The way to fix it is to focus LESS on her response and MORE on doing what you want to do with your life and time. Aka 'manning up'.

You also need to state in no uncertain terms that rediculing you is UNACCEPTABLE. Stand up for yourself or this will get ugly.

Have you considering seeking counseling to deal with you lack of self confidence and your childhood issues? THAT is why you are too nice. You were taught from an early age to NOT have needs. THAT belief is what you must fix otherwise nothing will change.


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## desert-rose

unsureyupper said:


> My wife gets on me for being too nice, for being a pushover, etc....yet at the same time, ridicules me for being needy and for ever saying "no" to her the few times that I have.


Have you tried talking to her about this? How does she react? She is bulldozing over your needs and not being sensitive or receptive. I wonder if she even realizes that she is doing this. You mention that you were ridiculed for having needs (I had a similar background; though my family loves me, they don't understand me and never understood that I wasn't getting what I needed, no matter how I expressed that to them; my husband came closest to doing that for me, but he betrayed me a lot in secret, too, which leads me to believe that he wasn't expressing what he needed, either) and so I wonder if you're not able to communicate with her what you need and vice versa. You don't want resentment to build up and cause other problems in your marriage. Don't feel ashamed that you are unable to ask for stuff.

Read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F Harley.
Read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

And, learn about how not to be a people pleaser; I'm not suggesting that you are one, but being assertive requires the same skills as not catering to other people's demands over your own.

Don't give up. This isn't just an issue related to your marriage but to you as a person and solving this problem will help you AND your marriage. Hang in there!


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Desert-rose said*: And, learn about how not to be a people pleaser; I'm not suggesting that you are one, but being assertive requires the same skills as not catering to other people's demands over your own.


Alot of book suggestions here (sorry)...this is the ultimate People Pleaser Book to get >>> Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life 

I swear this was one of the most helpful books I ever read in my younger yrs .. really opened my eyes on standing up for my own boundaries & not taking the guilt that many want to lay on us. 

Does any of this apply to you: 

Is your life out of control?
Do people take advantage of you?
Do you have trouble saying no?

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. This book will help you answer the questions:

•Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
•What are legitimate boundaries?
•What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
•How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
•Aren't boundaries selfish?
•Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?


*Physical boundaries *help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- *Mental boundaries *give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- *Emotional boundaries *help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- *Spiritual boundaries * is also talked about ... this is a Christian based book. Principles would apply to anyone though. Excellent read.


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## Introubledeep

unsureyupper said:


> I was reading this article, and I am essentially the living image of all 6 of the signs of being too nice.
> 
> Signs You're Too Nice - AskMen
> 
> I certainly recognize it's a problem in my young marriage. My question is, recognizing that this is a problem, how do I actually go about changing things, and righting this ship?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was introduced to a book called "No more Mr. Niceguy" by people on this site. I found it as a free download on the internet, so you don't even need to spend any money to get it. I am reading through it now. A great eye opener, I had one of those "Wow, that is me" experiences. Much of what you say is very consistent with the "Mr. Nice guy" in this book. What I love about this book is that it gives you the tools and strategies to make healthy changes to the way you see the world and relate to the world, and ESPECIALLY your loved ones. To a Mr. Nice guy like you the title probably even sounds a bit threatening...don't be threatened by it, it is a powerful tool to help you go about "righting this ship".

Oddly, in my case anyway, I saw that yes to some degree I am a victim of the "Mr. Nice guy" sydrome, but equally I realised just how hard steely and callous my wife has been towards me too. The thought never really occurred to me until I read this book, I just kept trying to justify and explain away everything as my fault because I am a "Nice guy".

I admire your honesty. Good on you for facing up to your problems now instead of letting them grow.


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## Complexity

I'm not a "nice guy" by nature, I know how to separate it. I've been a _semi_-nice guy to all the women in my life but at work or whatever, I turn into a viper.


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## Jeff/BC

If you find that the material in the article applies to you then go for it. Each of us finds wisdom where we do and wisdom which applies to you may or may not apply to me. And heck, who am I to talk. One of the best bits of relationship wisdom I ever got came from Star Trek of all places.

So all that being said...to me...well... as a guy who actually is what they are trying to get at in that article it seems rather juvenile. It seems like the person writing the article knew the concept of "alpha" but not from personal experience.


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## Stonewall

I have this problem too. Sometimes I hate myself for it. I want to throttle it back some but damn its hard!

If I'd known some of this earlier in my marriage I could have stopped a lot of problems from occurring but thank god we made it through and are much wiser now.


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## Deejo

Start here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


Very simple subtext to remember about this stuff. People can only walk all over you, if you lie down and let them. You have a direct impact and role in how you are perceived by, and treated by others ... particularly those we are closest to.


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## Thor

The gold standard for getting your sack back is the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. He has a website with support forums which are an excellent resource in conjunction with the book. No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin


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## DTO

Mavash. said:


> This behavior by your wife is predictable. She doesn't like your neediness but secretly wants you under her control at the same time. It's normal.


Also, these could be a sign of dysfunction in your wife. It's often argued that Nice Guys tend to attract damaged women. Either way, the solution is to work on yourself and detach your sense of worth from your wife.


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## lovelygirl

oh. I'd love to have a Mr.Nice Guy in my life! lol

I don't agree that women don't like too much Mr.NiceGuy. It really depends on the woman.


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## Goldmember357

Dont read that garbage

Do you not realize that the world is a SH#T HOLE?

Its filled with people who have sad and terrible lives

This is sad but true. Lol i would never use askmen for advice its drama crap for men also the "experts" are so often wrong on certain topics i wonder if they even have a degree in what they are preaching or any sort of awards or something.


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## SimplyAmorous

lovelygirl said:


> oh. I'd love to have a Mr.Nice Guy in my life! lol
> 
> I don't agree that women don't like too much Mr.NiceGuy. It really depends on the woman.


It most absolutely does.. I love the Hopeless Romantic type and very often these ARE the nicer men.... I married this type and damn I know I made the right choice, I thank God every day he is in my Life...... back then I wasn't the best of a GF to him though, he was NUTS about me.... and I LOVED how much time he wanted to spend with me... but sadly I did kinda look around at other guys (never touched) - while we were dating..... but none of them could have held a candle to him. (Broke up with him a short time to date one- this brought me to my senses).

They might have been more "exciting", even more aggressive in Bed (something I thought I wanted a couple yrs ago badly), they might ooze BIG confidence and all of that... but I know for the type of woman I am.... the nicer men just work best...I adore them - so long as they are attractive. 

I wouldn't even care if they had SOME of those hangups, I would help him overcome them. Who the Hell is perfect anyway? I think it matters tremendously how a woman treats a man. 

So long as they have a healthy sex drive and are the Physical Touching / Time type, that would be working quite well for me. 

Most dating profiles (searched them helping a friend)...these men BRAG about how funny they are, how confident, and how exciting, they all say that, it is almost laughable to me ... what a bunch of HOT AIR. The man who is humble , and just plain honest.... Is the one I would be looking for.


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## Thor

There is a difference between a guy who is pathologically Nice and a guy who is a gentleman. The key is the pathology.

Dr. Robert Glover has identified a constellation of traits which seem to cover a portion of men who find themselves failing at important things like relationships, sex, career, or fitness. It might be similar to being Beta in some ways, but it is deeper than that.

A lot of guys are definitely good, decent, and pleasant without being pathologically Nice. Doc Glover coined the term "integrated male" for men who have their act together. Being integrated isn't the same as being Alpha, and definitely not the same as being a Jerk. Integrated means in large part being authentic to oneself and being comfortable with that.

The pathological Nice Guy is not fun to be in a long term relationship with.


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## Shooboomafoo

I looked and found a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy from Glover on an e-reader site. Please allow me to share as it was a great read.

Robert Glover - No More Mr Nice Guy


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## SimplyAmorous

Thor said:


> A lot of guys are definitely good, decent, and pleasant without being pathologically Nice. Doc Glover coined the term "integrated male" for men who have their act together. Being integrated isn't the same as being Alpha, and definitely not the same as being a Jerk. Integrated means in large part being authentic to oneself and being comfortable with that.
> The pathological Nice Guy is not fun to be in a long term relationship with.


I agree, so much of this is a form of passive aggresiveness and/or outright Camouflage behavior..the woman has no idea who is really deep inside or what his true motives are. This would surely be no walk in the park, and would slaughter being "authentic". 

Chapter 3 has a little section about the "*Teflon man*"...how these men are hiding thier humanity even, trying to project an image of "perfection" before these women....which really makes the person "vague", lifeless and uninteresting. 

It is accually a persons rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.

My husband is a nice man..oh yes... he may have had a smidgen of some of those tendencies layed out in the book..but they were surely mild...I consider him "authentic", not the pathological type.


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## Shooboomafoo

I think some men start out their relationships with a good sense of self and integrated, but then are led by constant criticisms and gameplaying to believe they need to change to satisfy the wife, or to support a better marriage. I certainly knew I had flaws, but was willing to work on them to make the marriage better. Later on down the line this fit me perfectly into the Mr. Nice Guy category. Me thinking I was doing so for the betterment of the marriage, when all it turned out to do was cause a loss of respect and interest in me. 
It seems like the book basically has you keeping divorce as a constant option as opposed to self-realization of ways one may be contributing to the demise of the relationship by being "themselves".


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## DTO

Shooboomafoo said:


> It seems like the book basically has you keeping divorce as a constant option as opposed to self-realization of ways one may be contributing to the demise of the relationship by being "themselves".


Hmmm, I don't agree with the connotation you are attributing to the book. The book notes upfront that it is a tool to help you be the best "you" possible, not save your relationship. It also recognizes that nice guys tend to have bed relationships, because bad women will take advantage of the Nice Guy tendencies and healthy women will be repelled.

So, the mindset isn't that you are making a mutually exclusive decision of "me or my family" but rather "I am not happy now and going to develop into the best man I can be. My wife can join the improved me in a more balanced and healthy relationship or not."


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## Deejo

DTO said:


> that it is a tool to help you be the best "you" possible, not save your relationship.


Those who arrive at this realization ... are enlightened. They have made it ...
Journey is different for everyone. NMMNG or 'Manning Up' isn't about getting laid or getting your wife to treat you better.

It's about how to relate to, understand, and expect more from yourself.

And in the doing, a possible outcome is; your wife treats you better, and you get laid more.


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## Thor

Doc Glover warns clearly that the result of No More Mr. Nice Guy may be either the improvement of one's marriage or it will go to a long overdue grave.


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## happymrs

I'm married a nice guy, and he took my crap just about all our marriage and hung in there. Then the kids grew up, and started moving out and we took at look at what was left. Eye-opener.

Over the past year my husband began changing, reading some books and implementing what he's learning. He first read The Way of the Superior Man; he's just finishing up Married Man Sex Life; then he's starting No More Mr. Nice Guy.

I can say as a wife I'd felt unsafe, uncared for, etc. for most of our marriage because he was pretty much a push over. I could run over him, and others outside of our family could too. So,yeah, I acted negatively/angry toward him. 

Things are different now. He stands up to me when need be and has earned my utmost respect for him. He is showing me that he is a leader that I can fall in line behind. He feels good about himself and his confidence has shot through the roof. My feelings and attitude have changed dramatically toward him and I get to be 100% feminine/woman in our relationship. He likes that too.


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## Deejo

Well that is certainly the kind of resolution that we like to hear.


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