# We were reconciling and then I found this...



## Pellegriono

Hello Everyone,

I originally posted this in the CWI section, but think it might be appropriate for this forum too actually. Any advice and feedback welcome.

My H had an online EA last year. I found out one day and had him shut the whole affair down - sent OW a NC email and shut down the email account that connected them.

We had MC and he had some IC. I have a keylogger on his computer and he still does not know. For a few months after NC, there was no contact. OW tried to email him once or twice but he did not respond. Things seemed to be moving forward.

I discovered a few months ago he had googled her a few times looking at her facebook page which is partially public. I told him I saw his trail on the computer and to stop. He did immediately.

So more and more months have gone by and I was feeling like maybe we had made it out of this alive. I still trigger and have very bad days, but I was just happy he did not go underground and that the OW was not of the stalker variety (she has not tried to reach him again). And then....

Just as I was starting to plan a weekend away for the two of us as a little way to celebrate (didn't tell him that, but I was starting to feel happy and comfortable again and wanted to enjoy the feeling with a fun weekend away) I noticed something on the computer.

H was logged into Windows Live Messenger which is an instant chat service. And when I looked through the history i see he has been there a lot. Often invisible. Low and behold all his old chat buddies are still contacts, including the god awful OW.
With further investigation I see this was never closed down and H seems to sign in periodically. With further digging having discovered this OW's username, I realize she is also still connected to him on twitter. She tweets quite a bit. He has not tweeted once since he was caught initially.

I am not sure if I should be comforted by the fact that despite H being able to see OW on line, he did not actually make contact?

Is there some sort of script on how ex waywards break NC? If after several months there has been no contact, is that a fairly good sign it won't start up again?

I am in a bit of shock and not sure the severity of this. Any advice how to move forward very welcome please. Thanks. Sorry this is so long.


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## clipclop2

Didn't you post this situation before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pellegriono

clipclop2 said:


> Didn't you post this situation before?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi ClipClop,

No I have never posted my story in this forum. 

Thanks.


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## clipclop2

Another person posted something like this before. You might want to search for it to see the responses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

He's omitting which is same as lying.

Don't be happy about nothing regarding this. He's a shady dude...

I once thought my STBX's computer use was so innocent. LMAO there's a thing called "private browsing". He's not too techisavy but one day he left shet up on his laptop and there was some dirt....in private browsing.

I wouldn't trust your husband. at all.


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## Pellegriono

that_girl said:


> He's omitting which is same as lying.
> 
> Don't be happy about nothing regarding this. He's a shady dude...
> 
> I once thought my STBX's computer use was so innocent. LMAO there's a thing called "private browsing". He's not too techisavy but one day he left shet up on his laptop and there was some dirt....in private browsing.
> 
> I wouldn't trust your husband. at all.


Thanks for responding That Girl. It is lying by omission. I feel very betrayed right now. I thought we were doing really well with our R. Now I find this. 

Mavish, that's right. As I mentioned in the first paragraph of my original post above, I also posted this in CWI. I am not sure what section I belong in.


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## Pellegriono

that_girl said:


> He's omitting which is same as lying.
> 
> Don't be happy about nothing regarding this. He's a shady dude...
> 
> I once thought my STBX's computer use was so innocent. LMAO there's a thing called "private browsing". He's not too techisavy but one day he left shet up on his laptop and there was some dirt....in private browsing.
> 
> I wouldn't trust your husband. at all.


BTW ThatGirl , had your H contacted his AP or was he just scoping her out on line?


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## noas55

Control Shift N on Google Chrome is another way for an individual to be on internet and not leave traces, cookies, and other trails.


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## clipclop2

Mavash. said:


> She's got this posted in two forums. Here and I think CWI.


It was a month or more back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2

Found it

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/99057-oh-no-not-again.html#post3294817
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker

HHhmmm... Is this lying by omission?

You mentioned you have a secret keylogger on his computer. It being secret makes a BIG difference, because that means if he felt a desire to contact her or anyone else inappropriately, he might still think that he could cover his tracks on the computer. So it being a secret just means he would be less likely to hold himself back from giving in to such a desire if he were to have it. People are always more likely to break rules when they feel confident that they can get away with it.

It being secret isn't really good or bad, it's just worth noting. His logging on frequently could be intentional or it could easily just be an automatic setting on the application. Lots of applications like to, when installed, set themselves to launch automatically when the computer boots up, and sign in. Further, when people set up Microsoft Chat, that service will ask you to enter your e-mail and password info so that it can grab contacts from your other accounts to populate your contact chat list. (For instance, if you have yahoo mail or GMail, they keep contact lists/address books with everyone you've ever communicated with. A service like Microsoft Chat can download that info and use it to populate it's own contact list, so that if any of those people also use Microsoft Chat, they will be available to chat with. All of this can happen without you ever intending to chat with any of them, or intentionally adding them to your contact list) 

So that's one possibility. In fact, that seems most likely to me, because if he was intentionally logging in *and using it*, then you surely would have discovered this application long ago via the keylogger. So it sounds like he hasn't used it at all since the EA came out. If that is the case, then it seems perfectly reasonable that he never went into the app to clear out the bad contacts, if it is an app he never really used, or never intended to use again. He might have just forgotten to change the settings in the app to keep it from auto-launching after boot-up. At the very least, you know he still has violated the No-Contact rule.

As for twitter, you need to remember that twitter is mainly a broadcast tool in the social media world. You post, and everyone can see it. Some people will "follow" you to make sure they don't miss it. It does have a direct messaging feature, a private chat of sorts, but that isn't the purpose for twitter at all. In any case, you mentioned that he hasn't used it even one time since the EA, so I think this is the same situation as the Windows Chat thing. He hasn't logged in to block her, very possibly because he never really used it to communicate with her anyway, and again he never intended to use it anyway.

So I mean... Lying by omission?? That seems like a stretch to be honest. Mostly because it seems very possible, likely even, that he hasn't had any idea that these accounts were still active, especially considering that he hasn't used them. It might be different if he was still tweeting from that account and knew that she could view the tweets, or if he used Microsoft Chat to talk to other people and still chose to not delete the contacts of the OW or other "bad" individuals. But since neither of those situations have happened, I don't think he's really done anything wrong here.

Think of it like this perhaps... Imagine if he and the other woman had been sending each other real paper love letters. The first letter or two he received, he hid behind the christmas decorations in the garage. After that, the letters became more frequent so he decided to keep them at work instead to be safer. Then he gets caught, he ends the EA, shows you the letters from his desk at work so that you can burn them, and recommits to the marriage. Then many months later, after Thanksgiving dinner you go for the christmas decorations and the one or two old love letters fall out. Sure even the mere reminder of what he did will certainly hurt, but do you have anything to get angry at him over? Not really. They're old, he hasn't broken any rules, he just forgot that there was one or two of them in a different spot. 

This isn't a great analogy for what happened here, but I think the point is that what you found are relics from a time when he was doing some very wrong things, or maybe even from *before* he was doing those things. Before she became an EA, she was probably just an acquaintance/friend after all, so being listed on a contact list or following his twitter was pretty innocent. He hasn't used those tools at least since the EA came out, if not long before that. 

So really, the only thing anyone could say he might have done wrong here is forgetting that her name could possibly still be listed on two particular services that he has long since stopped using and likely never used to communicate with her anyway. Again, if he was *still using* these services, then I think you might have a small case for "Lying by omission." If anything, I would be *comforted* by the fact that he hasn't succumbed to any desire to contact her since the EA, despite likely believing that he could do so without getting caught. (Since he isn't aware of the keylogger) If he wanted to be sneaky and try to contact her, you'd think that he might turn to services that you aren't aware of like Microsoft Chat or Twitter to do so, and that still didn't happen.

Just my two cents! I hope it was helpful.


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