# All the signs are there..



## Shanny (Apr 6, 2014)

Husband of 17 years whom I married when he was 20 and me 26. He says he had left and I told him I was pregnant and he came back and I gor pregnant miraculously!!, didn't happen I was pregnant and he is delusional. I think it's a case of telling yourself one thing to make yourself feel better about what you are contemplating. 

He moved into the other room 2 months ago and now we have a business arrangement I pay my share of the bills and he will stay here for the kids etc. he says I am not pleasing him because I don't want to deep bj him and swears I did before and now he's holding this over my head. He says that sex is off the table for him because I will not do that therefore I get non either. 

He went out Friday and I found pictures of him that he took in the mirror no ring on. I looked at some texts and nothing really except that he was telling someone that he found a friend so he was going to stay out awhile longer. Also found a membership card to a swingers club around here. 

I did not lie to him about our son..I have lied about money and other things in the past but people change and learn from their mistakes he is so unhappy...and is takin it out on me. He has always played the martyr he pulled me from the gutter and made a ho his wife. I had an abusive childhood and he brings it up all the time like it was my fault and I liked it being abused. I know this is a very toxic relationship but we have 3 kids and they deserve to have both parents.

He's done pretending and lieing for me he says and that's why he's done pretending and doing him. I tried to talk to him tonite I wanted him to be honest..and all he could do was bring up old stuff from the past that he has resented me for because I took his youth and life. I just wanted to know why the change...I don't know if he thinks this is going to make me all wanting to deep bj him, it's more than that. He said I took his youth and that all the things he had told me in past about being sole mates and best friend it was him coping with the situation that he was delLt.

I know this is a lot ad I wanted to give some insight for some good advice. It's easy to say leave but what leg do I have to stand on to not please my husband if that is what he wants? Honestly I don't think that's the real reason because he was texting me for sex and bj a few weeks ago and telling me he Desired me and then I could not perform and he was done. Advice please..


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Shanny said:


> It's easy to say leave but what leg do I have to stand on to not please my husband if that is what he wants?


In life there are two things you run up against; options and sacrifices. You're highly unlikely to change him. You need to really explore your other options, which you're not really doing, and weigh them against the sacrifice. Pick the one you can best live with.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He is his own problem, not you. Will he ever realize it? Who knows. You can tell him, but he probably won't listen.

Your problem is you? Realizing you cannot control or change your husband, what are you prepared to do to improve your situation? I'd suggest laying down some hard boundaries, and sticking to them. What are you prepared to accept? Will you be able to maintain your self respect with the boundaries you choose? I think you need to choose ones where the answer is yes, even if it means possibly ending your marriage. And you ought to stick to one thread, you'll get better advice that way.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He's also hiding money in a separate account, and threatens your older children with the belt. Try to stick to one thread so folks get a clearer picture:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/182609-help-i-lied.html#post8113314

You've been with him for 17 years. Were things ever good with him? What changed? Besides the sexual changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shanny (Apr 6, 2014)

I'm new to this thread thing. It's always been very up and down all the time. He just doesn't seem to care about anything this time except for himself. We used to talk and work things out everything on his terms though not much input from me. Now he doesn't care and is ok with just coexisting for the kids. He thinks he has the upper hand or something because he's telling me no sex. Until of course I do that and honestly it will just be something else he's mad at in the end that's his MO.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think you need to talk with a counsellor to try to put things in perspective. It appears he is picking reasons out of the air to "punish" you. A man doesn't suddenly leave a woman after 17 years because she won't deep throat him. I'm sure it goes a lot deeper than that (no pun intended) but he probably doesn't fully understand what he is feeling himself.

You need to sort out what you're getting out of the relationship and whether it's useful to continue. Kids do deserve both parents but that doesn't mean they should grow up in a toxic environment never learning what a real, positive relationship is thus being condemned to repeat what they know. It is possible for them to spend time between two happy homes and have both parents in their lives.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Until you both own up to your issues and dealings, both past and present then we are going to have a hard time helping you. You've started 2 threads within 2 days and both have completely different scenarios and situations. One talks entirely about your lying about taking the debit card and makes him out to be at fault completely for you having taken it and denying the stealing. 

This thread does the same only sexually related, and even though you mention issues in the past and hint at an unsavory past for you, all that is discussed is his faults and issues. What part have you had in this, as all marriages have two sides to the story, and in general both have issues that have contributed to the marriage break down. 

We need a full picture to better assess and assist. Yes people can change, but maybe you have done things in the past that he can't get over. Have you tried MC. as it sounds like this has been an on going issue from the past??


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