# Needing advice regarding relationship and child visitation



## everybodyhurts (Jan 9, 2013)

Brand new to this forum, and really looking for advice. I have been married for 4 years, engaged for 2. I am serious planning a divorce, but am very worried about our two children and how this will effect them. I believe a married an abusive person. Originally i though he just had strong political and religious views and a bad temper. I know warning signs...

The first incident occurred about a year into our relationship during thanksgiving. My children, who are half Native American and around 8 and 10 at the time, made a comment like "if it were not for the Indians, the white man would not be around, they were very helpful". My husband then told the kids that the Indians were savages, who worshiped idols and were evil. This blew me away. Where did this come from. When I informed him of how hurtful this was and disrespectful to the kids he went ballistic. I insisted he apologize and he preceded to give me a long list of why Indians were from the devil. He ended up throwing a chair across the room. I asked him to leave my home. He refused. I called the police. His work equipment was there (dental lab tech) so I could not just "kick" him out. Long story short we broke up and he called me 6 months later with a sincere apology to myself and kids... In hindsight I should have never accepted him back.

He was very kind and helpful for a year, visiting on t he weekends, helping us out financially etc... there were a few clashes of him ignoring things that were of concern to me. I figured we needed to work on communication and my trust issues. But basically he ran from any confrontation if it involved my feelings. 

We got into a few disagreements over political viewpoints. I worked for a government program that supported children's development. He was very negative and said i knew little about politics. Was rude about tax return. Again, i just resolved to never talk politics.

We got married in 2008. I wanted to get married because of my Christian belief in not living with someone outside of marriage, so in a sense I was the one pressing for marriage. On our way back from our honeymoon weekend he freaked out about my request for him to keep an eye on the road. He kept looking at the window and swerving over the center line.

He really wanted children of his own, and I agreed. Got pregnant a year later. During whole pregnancy he was very kind. Afterwards a different story. (The fact he was kind tells me he has self control) We agreed that i would stay home with the kids while he worked. We now have beautiful three year old twins. I have been with them 24 -7. They are my life and joy. Now he takes the same oppositional approach to parenting as he does towards politics and religion. Many things I ask him to help me with as far as discipline and boundary setting is an argument. I have a degree in early childhood education and have worked with this age group for over 10 years.

When I explained the importance of setting boundaries with your words he accuses me of not letting him spoil his children and monitoring his every move. I simply tried to explain why it is important to let your no mean no, and not change your mind after they cry. A child feels secure when she knows what to expect in other words. His response is to tell me my education is based on Sigmund Freud and he has ruined our school system. The man is evil and I'm an idiot for studying his ideas.

The whole political and religious disagreements have got out of hand. Another example, I had a huge Sesame Street flap book. One one page it lists books available from the library. One was Little Red Riding Hood, The Three Bears, and Hansel and Gretel. The Hansel and Gretel had a picture of a witch. My son was scared and cried when he saw that picture. I taped that flap shut. problem solved? No, later i was accused of bringing witchcraft into our home, he doubted my Christianity and went as far as calling my a witch. All over a book!!! 

This was over a year ago, but it still bothers me, mostly because this is typical of how any request to solve conflict goes in our relationship. He never admits to saying anything that was hurtful to me but instead starts yelling about the evils in this world. Same thing with politics. Arguments escalate and become more hurtful. I would be happy with a simple acknowledgement of, "yes, that was out of line, and I hurt your feelings, I will try not to get so worked up about these things and focus on what I said that was hurtful to you" HA, dreaming. 

Things have got to the point that I don't care to try to sit down and communicate through these problems. He is emotionally cold. I am a very sensitive person and feel that I have lost any love for him after repeated conflicts. He has gotten physical a few times, pushing my out of the door way and slamming doors in my face. But mostly he has punched walls and thrown objects when in a rage. And the biggest kicker is he actually says he is not responsible for the things he says when he is angry. For me there is no working through this when he has this attitude.

Now, i am ready to divorce but I am so concerned to be away from our kids. And starting over at 41 in the job market. I know I can do it. But if anyone reading this can give me any assurance on child visitation issue i would truly appreciate it. What kinds of parenting plans have you worked out with your ex? PS he is a pretty good dad, and definitely loves them very much. When divorce was mentioned he said he was the better parent and would fight for full custody and i could visit them every other weekend. Things are going to get ugly when he gets the divorce papers, and im actually afraid of his reaction. Can anyone give me feedback on his behavior. I know living in a relationship like this can make one feel a little crazy. Thank you


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Re: should I stay or should I go?*

Sorry, I did not read your post, only the title. I firmly believe that if you are asking yourself this question, you already know the answer.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

It sounds like you are dead set on divorce so I won't go into that with you and will just focus on the kids. 

In most cases, the woman is the one who gets most of the custody. Even if you say he is a good father, it sounds like he has some major anger and control issues. He may not take these out on the kids but how do you know it won't escalate in the future? 

If you took this information you told us to your attorney, you would probably be able to get full custody and he would get very little. 

Do you want to have full custody or what were you thinking as far as visitations?

The ball is most likely in your court for this.


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