# Where to begin....



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I have been with my husband for 23 years, we were both 17 when we met. We have been married for 23 years. Our daughter came along when we had been married for 10 years. She wasn't planned but she is very much loved & such a special girl.

My husband has been having an affair (off & on but mostly on) for the last 15 years. Always the same OW which make it worse because it is a reltionship- not just sex. She still lives with her parents (she's 36 now) she has always known about me, and more recently our daughter. As do her parents & family, it doesn't seem to matter to them?

I havent known about it for all that time, there have been seperations & reconcilliations 4 times until the last one. He left last time 5 years ago, our daughter was 2 years old. He said he was going out to a friends house, then called me up 15 minutes later to tell me he had left me for her. Turned out he had moved into a new place with her, took all his stuff while I was at work. After the initial shock, then emotional breakdown, I began to realise I could live without him.

Within 1 month he was knocking on my door, saying he wanted to come back, I held out for 10 months. I eventually took him back after alot of soul searching nd told myself it would be best for our daughter. However, being unaware of the rules to a real reconcilliation I can see now that it just went underground again.

So now the latest D day was on 3rd September. I found some pictures on her face book site (which I have monitored sporadically for the last 3 years) of my WH & his OW. They included studio photographs of them, with her family & just the two of them, she referred to him as her fiance. It appears they are now engaged, there were pictures of flowers he sent her recently - with a note "because I love you!" this was a real blow for me as I had had to borrow money of his mum to buy shoes for our daughter because money was tight yet he had sent her flowers in the same week. So I confronted him, & he denied it. 

I took our daughter to stay with my Dad (my mum passed 2 years ago) & I tell him I want him out - he can go & live with her again. I warned him last time there were no more chances. He said he was not moving anywhere as he cant afford it & anyway he's not seeing her!! He then threatens to hand the house back to the mortgage company & gives me 5 days to get our stuff out of the house or he will dump it on the road.

I spoke to the mortgage company who say its bull s**t and I tell him that. So again I asked him to leave, he refused, "I'm not paying for you to live here" he says "I burn the F'ing thing down" So I go to a lawer who tells me to get back in the house as it's jointly owned & I move back in.

Which brings me to the present day... I have filed for divorce,it took me 2 months to get the money together but I did it. We share the same house, he sleeps in our daughters room. On the surface everything else is the same, I wash, I cook, I go to work.. We are civil to each other but he seems to take this as a sign of me weakening. He's in complete denial. The only thing that reminds him is when he gets papers through from the solicitor or court & he is nasty & vile to me every opportunity he gets then.

Eventually he calms down but then I am left waiting for the next set of papers or reminder to send him over the edge.. Our daughter knows we are divorcing but I haven't said why, only tht Daddy broke a promise & I cant forgive him for that. I know that eventually, the divorce will come through & the house will be sold and I can move on to the next chapter of my life, but I'm scared he's not going to let me. 

His denial continues, whenever we discuss the divorce he is adamant he is not seeing her, he says she is a psyco bunny boiler yet refuses to confront her, because that's what she wants. He claims not to have spoken to her for 5 years & yet when I called him on D day, she had blocked me from her page within 30 seconds of him putting the phone down on me?!

He says the photo's were photo shopped or they are from years ago. Yet I spoke to the photographer at the studio they were taken (the OW couldnt help but boast on her FB page where they were taken) she confirmed the date of them Feb this year. So he has said that the photographer is lying?!! and that there is a conspiracy against him!?? 

He tells his parents he doesn't want a divorce, yet he has made no effort to even say sorry let alone make amends? I know I am done, I knew that last time.. but I would have expected him to put up more of a fight. I would have so much more respect for him as an individual if he owned up to what he is doing. My friends say he is in denial & that he doesn't think I will go through with it this time.. but he's mistaken.

I'm just frustrated by the fact that he's making me out to be the bad guy in this, putting all the blame on me with is family.. for example I shouldnt have gone looking.... I've put on weight in the last few years.. I'm lazy (with a full time job, a home & a little one to take care of?).. Luckily they are very supportive, and have a very poor opinion of my WH.

How do I handle this? I mean how do you do the 180 when you are living in the same house? I'm not great with conflict so I'm trying to keep it amicable, but that just means I'm looking like a doormat?? I want to scream at him for what he has done to our family. He loves our daughter very much & is a good dad.. but is an appalling liar and useless husband.

How do I come out of this with my sanity still in tact?


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

You probably can't get out of it with your sanity intact. 

Why would your lawyer tell you to move back into the house? Can't you stay with your dad until the divorce is final? Your husband doesn't believe you because you've not stuck to your guns before, but this time he will understand exactly what he's done. He doesn't want any of the blame or responsibility. Sounds EXACTLY like my own husband!

He'll deny it until he's ready to face the truth of what he's done. You can't force it out of him, but you can divorce his miserably butt and leave him behind where it belongs. I would suggest speaking with a councellor about whats happening. A support system is fine with family and friends, but a therapist could really help.

My husband has been spitting my name up and down this part of the state with how horrible a person and mother I am. I know its not true, and he will realize it in court. So will yours.

Also, try and get those pictures from the OW facebook page. You will need them to prove infidelity during your divorce.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

So we are 2 months on.... 

The divorce is still ongoing, he ripped up the first set as soon as he received them saying "..no f**ker is going to tell me when I can see my daughter..." 

So we have appplied to the judge to put the divorce through without re-serving (UK law) 

He has also recently started blaming me - latest text (we dont talk face to face he cant bring himself to speak to me about any of this) saya that it takes 2 to make a marriage and he cant be blamed for all of it?? WTF??? I mean seriously, you have been banging some bint for that past 15 years & thats my fault??

I have supported this man emotionally, physically & financially for the past 24 years.. He has wanted for NOTHING.. he has selfishly persued every hair brained hobby, only to spend a fortune & get bored withit after a few months (there is a jetski in the garage to prove it!! - we live in-land?!!) 

I know I am doing the right thing here- but why do I want him to want me? Why does it hurt so much that he doesn't seem in the least bit bothered that our relationship is ending? Why couldn't he have had the decency to fight for it instead of issuing me with a list of conditions where he would reconcile??

This is so messed up...:scratchhead:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> Why would your lawyer tell you to move back into the house? Can't you stay with your dad until the divorce is final?


Because in divorce proceedings leaving the marital home can be seen as abandonment.

It puts her in a bad position for the divorce.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Why couldn't he have had the decency to fight for it instead of issuing me with a list of conditions where he would reconcile??



He probably doesn`t think you`ll go through with it.
You`ve put up with it for decades.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I have been struggling in the last couple of weeks with a need to assert myself sexually with him. I haven't acted on it but I have been lusting after him??!!

Whats that all about? 

Am I still hankering after a man who does not want me? I'm confused and angry at my own feelings.... 

I deeply resent the fact that I have to divorce him, although I accept that I do. I don't want things to carry on the way they are. I need change for my own sanity and self worth. So why would I allow myself to consider sleeping with him?

I know I would be disgusted with myself afterwards - that is probably what is stopping me. But I just dont understand the thought process.

I would apprciate your thoughts x

:scratchhead:

DDATE 03/09/11
FILED 11/11/11
DIVORCED .......TBC


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

A letter arrived from the court addressed to him today..

Took a sneak peek (yeah i know)

Looks like the court has decided he has been properly served despite him ripping the papers up.. should have the decree nici through by next week!!!:smthumbup:

On the flip side, he's gonna kick off big time when he comes in from work and reads it..

Ahh well... good job I'm going out...STUFF HIM!!:moon:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LOL... yep stuff him!

I think that your wanting sex with him is just your wanting sex... we all have our needs. And as you have said, some part of you hates that you have to divorce him and that you cannot have a good marriage. That part of you wants to pretend there is a good marriage. But you need to keep that part under check.

Have you considered contacting the OW and tell her that she can have him.... for her to please come get him and have him live with her? Also she might offer you more concrete evidence so that she can finally have him.


If he goes off the handle and becomes threatening, you might want to call the police. They might just help you get a restraining order and thus he could not live in the same home with you.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Elegirl, 

Already tried that, here's what I sent about 6 weeks ago, by post to her home address;

Txxx

My only reason for contacting you is to be able to move on from the current situation. You may not understand this but I no longer feel the need to vent my anger at you Txxx, as I no longer care what you and my husband get up to.

I simply want you to have no part in my life ( or my daughters for that matter) Which is why I wanted to ensure you have some idea of the current situation and expose the lies Sxxxxxx is continuing to tell to me & the rest of his family purely to protect himself. 

I have had quite enough of the constant lies, denials and hypocrisy. Sxxxxxx has no intention of choosing between us, so I have done it for him. After almost 24 years together, I have filed for divorce, siting your adulterous affair as the reason. As far as I am concerned you are now quite welcome to him. Sxxxxxxx is all yours with my blessing, it needn't be a long drawn out process as long as he co-operates.

I am (so I am told) being more than reasonable over our finances & access to our daughter so Sxxxxxxx has no reason to dispute the divorce whatsoever.

Despite this Sxxxxxxx is refusing to co-operate and appears to be dragging his feet, ripping up any papers that come to him from my solicitor. He seems incapable of discussing it without getting aggressive or burying his head in the sand. Whereas I would prefer for this to be done as quickly and painlessly as possible for our daughter's sake.

I first asked Sxxxxxxx to move out 4 months ago (given that he is the adulterer & it would mean the least disruption to our daughter) yet he still stubbornly refuses. 

As you can appreciate I have no desire to continue living with a pathological liar and borderline sociopath. We will both have to move out of the house sooner or later and given his continuing "relationship" with you I would have imagined he would want to move in with you as soon as possible. 

His refusal to do so therefore confuses me as does his increasingly vociferous denial of your continuing adulterous relationship.

Sxxxxxx denies to this day that you are continuing your affair. He continues to tell me & his family that he has no desire to be with you. He has stated to us repeatedly that you are (and I quote) "a delusional bunny boiler" that you "won't take no for an answer". 

According to Sxxxxxxx, you are not & have never been engaged. He has told his parents that, as far as he is concerned your "engagement" is a continuing figment of your imagination. Indeed, when I suggested in a text message he leave & move in with his fiance, he replied " F**K OFF... I am not with her, I have no intention ever being with her & I will never marry her & I will tell you to F**K OFF every time you say that" Charming!

Stxxxxx has managed to convince his parents and wider family that the studio portraits you had taken with him and your family at the photography Studios were photo shopped fakes, created by you and posted on Face-book as part of your delusional obsession with him and a continuing campaign to wreck our marriage. Because of this they now feel (and Sxxxxxx happily encourages them to believe) that he is also a victim in all this and that you are an inherently vile individual and quite deranged. 

As I have said, this leaves me somewhat confused as he repeatedly denies you to everyone we care about at every opportunity. Even when confronted with evidence to the contrary and yet I am sure he is telling you and your family the exact opposite. 

It could be purely the embarrassment and the shame of having your seedy affair exposed that is influencing his actions. 

Or it could also be that I am wrong and you too have grown tired of the lies and false promises and decided to walk away and who would blame you? If you no longer want him, that could explain his reluctance to divorce or move out.

If not, then you need to talk to him. Have you never expressed a desire to be with him, out in the open in a real honest relationship? Maybe he thinks that you like being his bit on the side and that's why he's dragging his feet now & denying your "relationship"? 

Either way this must be brought to a conclusion.

OK... so I understand you have no reason to believe me - but I have no reason to contact you to tell you to take him, other than to attempt to bring this sorry mess to a close.

You can of course do what you want with this information. Ignore it if you want. But I do believe that fundamentally we both want the same thing, which is for Sxxxxxx to move out.

I can only imagine the crap he has told you about me. Let me guess... I'm lazy, a bad mum, he does all the cooking cleaning washing etc? I'm pathetic and needy. He can't leave because I'm unstable and he doesn't know what I'd do? He couldn't have that on his conscience? 

Whatever cliche he is telling you it's all lies. I'm not the witch he is undoubtably portraying me as, I'm a good person. I look for the good in everyone. I work hard, I cook, I clean, I have supported him physically, emotionally & financially for the past 20 years and he repays me by lying to my face and disrespecting me. 

I am in no doubt that he will deny everything when you confront him and I have no doubt he will attempt to lie his way out of it (again) and fob you off with some lame excuse as to why he cant leave. 

Aren't you sick of the lies yet Txxx? 

I have attached copies of the texts he has sent me to corroborate my story................... The ball is now firmly in your court.

I never got a reply..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good letter!!

So I wonder if she did talk to him about it. 

I guess all you can do is to go through the divorce and stay away from him as much as possible. Call the police if he gets out of hand... and one day there will probably be a court order telling him to leave the house.

Keep us posted!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm not sure if she did confront him. I was expecting him to lose it when shr did but nothing. He's never been big on restraint and I'm not sure he's as good an actor as he thinks he is!! Either way he hasn't mentioned it so I have drawn 2 conclusions fron the silence.... 
1. They are no longer together (unlikely)
2. She doesn't want to confront him for fear of what he will say/ do (hmm)

Either way it didn't have the desired affect!!!

He opened his letter of the court last night.. Read it wrong and started ranting about why was I summoning him to court & no f#@ker orders him to do anything!!! He's now ignoring me like a child, stomping round. I can handle it but our little girl is getting upset 

The letter just stated that the court deems that the papers have been served on him after I made my affidavit confirming he ripped them up. So I guess my decree nici is on it's way... 6 weeks & I can divorce him... I could tell him all this of course but a) he's not speaking to me & b) he shouldn't have been such a smart arse and got himself a solicitor!!!!

The funny thing is, the more awkward he gets the more I know I am doing the right thing.. What a moron!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Ok... Angry today.. Want to march downstairs and stick that xbox right up his hoop!! Grrrr!Annoying a-hole. 
After sulking for 2 days now acting as if nothing is happening again. His mood swings are exhausting!! I'm sat upstairs because he has commandeered the TV. I need to start doing something with myself after our daughter has gone to bed, something for me, preferably that will get me out of the house...

Any ideas?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I have been struggling in the last couple of weeks with a need to assert myself sexually with him. I haven't acted on it but I have been lusting after him??!!
> 
> Whats that all about?
> 
> ...


Ah! I'm not the only one! For a while after I moved out, I had this really strong desire to just go up to him some time when I was at the house, sit on his lap and just go for it. Totally not like me! It was really, really strong for a while that I was soooo close to trying it. I really tried to analyze why, because he'd initiated the split, he'd rejected me sexually eventually even though we'd still had sex after the separation started (we lived together for a few months, too). I felt like a nutcase! Here's what I came up with for reasons:

1. To prove I could still get him aroused (duh)
2. To hopefully get some sex out of it (duh & and he could be very good in bed)
3. To reassert my place in the house, where he was trying to eradicate any trace of me living there, which really hurt.
4. I was starting to feel more confident about myself, and I wanted to take control of a situation for once.
5. I hoped that he'd realize he still had feelings for me (hardest to admit)
6. I had to admit that I wanted to know I could affect/control his feelings like he did mine.

But knowing he could be very cruel when he felt threatened, I didn't even try. If he didn't get aroused (which was a definite possibility, as he needed ED meds periodically), he'd be sure to use that as a judgement against my attractiveness even if it was ED. He'd already shown that any feelings he had for me could be suppressed and that he wanted to suppress them. The very real possibility of a humiliating rejection made me decide against the whole thing. I just settled for a date with Mr. Hitachi instead. 

But I still tell myself that if he was under the influence of a truth serum or something, he would have been mine.  Now I just have to work on the more negative motivations I discovered, so that I can be in a better emotional position (ha!) for real sex, should the opportunity ever arise (ha, again!) in my life.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm having a bad day, mothers day tomorrow (uk) and I miss my mum so much. Wish she was here, I could really do with her advice & support. She always knew just what to say to make it better. She would be delighted that I am finally divorcing my STBXH but would not have taken any pleasure in being right.
My mum in law is fabulous, I love her so much, we are very close. I have known her for 24 years and she has often said I am the daughter she missed out on (she has a daughter who is mentally handicapped) my STBXH is adamant that once our marriage ends that my relationship with his mum will end, in fact he is determined to end my relationship with all of his family. I can't bear the thought that I will lose another mum through no fault of my own. I know blood is thicker than water but why do I deserve to be punished when he's the one who had an affair? 
His family are all saying that nothing will change as far as they are concerned but I know my STBXH he has been increasingly vindictive and I know he will do whatever he can to hurt me.. 
All the time his wh0re is choosing venues, wedding stationary and cakes of FB...!! 
Why is it when someone wrecks your car you can get justice, but if someone wrecks your life you just have to sit there & take it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What a minute?! If he's this controlling with his family over talking to you and this vindictive towards you, I can only imagine what fresh hell he is going to inflict on the OW once the honeymoon dies.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> What a minute?! If he's this controlling with his family over talking to you and this vindictive towards you, I can only imagine what fresh hell he is going to inflict on the OW once the honeymoon dies.


They both deserve to make each other miserable.. On a good day I know the best revenge is to move forward, be successful & don't look back.. But today is not a good day...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

So a narcissist left you for a very codependnt relationship with another woman. It's not like it's going to last long and I think you know this. You may not realize it but he feels threatened your relationship with the MIL will influence his relationship with her. And it will. You think she's going to forget about you and favor her? She may be a little biased towards her own flesh and blood but that wont change the fact that you were more than good to him and raised his daughter.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> So a narcissist left you for a very codependnt relationship with another woman. It's not like it's going to last long and I think you know this. You may not realize it but he feels threatened your relationship with the MIL will influence his relationship with her. And it will. You think she's going to forget about you and favor her? She may be a little biased towards her own flesh and blood but that wont change the fact that you were more than good to him and raised his daughter.


Narcissistic definitely... As for not lasting long, she has held on to him come hell or high water for 15 years off & on (so he says - I think it just went underground when I got suspicious) there is no way she will give up now. Then she would have to admit she's been a fool wasting her life waiting for a married man, she won't do that, she's too close to her goal now. He told me once she offered him sex & no strings just to keep him. That's why I can never go back, they have history too. Of course I'm worried I'll be replaced. He's acting at the minute like we were nothing, his indifference to me at the minute is palpable. I can't believe I and our marriage meant so little.. I feel such a fool...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What do you think is going to happen once they marry and the affair becomes a legal relationship? Nobody standing in their way and no guilt linked to their decision at all. They are going to have all the same problems every other marriage faces except she will not trust him fully. There will always be a fear that because he cheated on his last marriage, he will cheat on her and leave her too. I know it hurts right now to be set aside for the drug of choice but guilt has a funny sneeking up on people later on.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> What do you think is going to happen once they marry and the affair becomes a legal relationship? Nobody standing in their way and no guilt linked to their decision at all. They are going to have all the same problems every other marriage faces except she will not trust him fully. There will always be a fear that because he cheated on his last marriage, he will cheat on her and leave her too. I know it hurts right now to be set aside for the drug of choice but guilt has a funny sneeking up on people later on.


Oh I hope so... One day he will realize what he had & what he lost (
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I've had a few exes come back after leaving me for an OM/OW. While I cannot guarantee he will come crawling in on his hands and knees in the near future, I can warn you that the last impression you have with him will leave lasting expectations. If you were half as good as you seem he will start to wonder about you when his new wife is nagging pressuring him and you are always kind. And if he is rejecting you right now, STOP WANTING HIM  and don't give the reward of your attention or kindness until he reciprocates.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> I've had a few exes come back after leaving me for an OM/OW. While I cannot guarantee he will come crawling in on his hands and knees in the near future, I can warn you that the last impression you have with him will leave lasting expectations. If you were half as good as you seem he will start to wonder about you when his new wife is nagging pressuring him and you are always kind. And if he is rejecting you right now, STOP WANTING HIM  and don't give the reward of your attention or kindness until he reciprocates.


Thank you.. I know you are right / My heart is out of sync with my head today x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Ok... Angry today.. Want to march downstairs and stick that xbox right up his hoop!! Grrrr!Annoying a-hole.
> After sulking for 2 days now acting as if nothing is happening again. His mood swings are exhausting!! I'm sat upstairs because he has commandeered the TV. I need to start doing something with myself after our daughter has gone to bed, something for me, preferably that will get me out of the house...
> 
> Any ideas?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I started running at night for anxiety and to get away from him while he was still here.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Hormonal today .. Missin my mum &spent the afternoon with my mum in law & my little girl. I'm having a tough time accepting it's over. I want someone to come along with a magic wand & make it better. I want a miracle. I'm finding it so unbelievably frustrating and irritating that it isn't going to happen. I have this acute sense of unfairness that is making my blood boil!! I want to stamp my feet & scream at the top of my lungs like some spoiled brat. Instead, I keep my mouth shut & my head down and bury the resentment alongside all the other I buried over the last 24 years 
Why does he not even care anymore?
Was it all just a big fat lie?
Why doesn't he fight for us?
Did he ever care? But most of all why do I care? Am I just that stupid to love someone who doesn't love me? Who doesn't evev like me? 
Aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I can understand why people drink... Sometimes you just want to switch your brain off!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I've had a very hormonal day but also a bit of an epiphany

my mum is away visiting my sister and I've really needed her today - went out with my daughter and managed to hold it in most of the time but did have a really good cry earlier when clearing out a few files

but then it was like a light bulb pinged over my head and I thought to myself 'YOU are the only person making you feel like this', realised that I was moping and not thinking of all the positive aspects, just focusing on the fact that I was going to miss a male presence around the house. He doesn't appear to care, so I'm going to try not to!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

This is the 3rd day of feeling down.. I tried to talk to him last night (why?) to find out why he blames me for this mess. 
Unsurprisingly I got nowhere...(I'm an idiot for expecting anything else) I couldn't bite my tongue any longer...
He refuses to take any responsibility for his actions. Apparently, I can't wait for a divorce or get a for sale sign up, because I am the one who can't be bothered trying?!? I told him that if he had confronted her, face to face with me then maybe we could have stood a chance.. He said it wouldn't have made any difference I'd still want a divorce. He's probably right. 
He said he has no idea why he went back to her, LIAR!!!! Said he hasn't seen it for ages LIAR!!! Said he's not marrying her and gas no intention of being with her again - LIAR!! I told him that I knew about her planning the wedding, picking out cakes & invitations.. He denied it was anything to do with him but was more interested in how I knew about it! 
I ended up in tears (aarrgghh) 

I feel like I have gone backwards.. I don't want him. But I want him to care that we are over!?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Startingover,

funny i keep finding my stbxh lies too- I dont even call him out on it anymore- mine went back the the OW three weeks after he walked out on us , im sure he was prob lying and in contact with her the whole time- But that the thing that im figuring out, its got nothing to to with us - its all about them and its much easier to blame you for there problems than to take a hard look at themselves. 

Also its hard when something is over even if it wasn't great cause it was comfortable -Its a new day what happened yesterday is done, just try moving forward- I know thats easier said than done.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Startingover,
> 
> funny i keep finding my stbxh lies too- I dont even call him out on it anymore- mine went back the the OW three weeks after he walked out on us , im sure he was prob lying and in contact with her the whole time- But that the thing that im figuring out, its got nothing to to with us - its all about them and its much easier to blame you for there problems than to take a hard look at themselves.
> 
> Also its hard when something is over even if it wasn't great cause it was comfortable -Its a new day what happened yesterday is done, just try moving forward- I know thats easier said than done.


I just want to give myself a slap & snap out of it. I don't know why it matters so much to me that he cares. I know it's over, yet I cling to the thought that he is sorry. I need him to feel remorse - I just can't say why. It's ridiculous really. I know it is. But I can't help how I feel. I just hope that I can shake this mood off soon. (
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yeah, he's not going to feel an ounce of remorse so long as you keep bring up your marriage and showing any jealousy over the OW. Any relationship talk will be seen as an attempt to make him feel guilty and will be met with a defensive attitude and jealousy will been seen as a personal attack on his pride, since he feels pride in being with her. I know this hurts and you feel rejected but you've simply got to accept that the marriage you knew is over and he favors her right now. The fog he's experiencing is his way of avoiding responsibility and guilt for making the decision to cheat. You want him to show remorse then stop expecting it and treat him like what he is, a distant friend.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> Yeah, he's not going to feel an ounce of remorse so long as you keep bring up your marriage and showing any jealousy over the OW. Any relationship talk will be seen as an attempt to make him feel guilty and will be met with a defensive attitude and jealousy will been seen as a personal attack on his pride, since he feels pride in being with her. I know this hurts and you feel rejected but you've simply got to accept that the marriage you knew is over and he favors her right now. The fog he's experiencing is his way of avoiding responsibility and guilt for making the decision to cheat. You want him to show remorse then stop expecting it and treat him like what he is, a distant friend.


I know you are right & I could kick myself... I just needed to vent at him, we haven't discussed the situation face to face since d day - he will only communicete by text about it :scratchhead: and I'd just had enough... Distanced myself again , estate agent coming out to the house on Saturday, lets see how he copes with that.. gonna become very real very quickly I think!!!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

So I've been up since 6am cleaning because the estate agent as coming today. The house is now on the market & there will be a board going up on Monday. She was really positive, we are in a popular area so she thinks we may well have a quick sale.

Just before she turned up the post arrived and with it my hearing date for the decree nici - 19th April. So then I should be able to apply for my absolute (complete the divorce) by 1st June. We will have been together 24 years and married for 18 by the time it is all done..what a waste.

I'm glad that I am moving forward - limbo is a terrible place. But I must admit its knocked the wind out of me at the same time...
I feel sad & dissappointed but there is something else.. I cant quite put my finger on it.

When am I going to let go of this? I know it oer. I feel like a spoiled brat of a child throwing a strop because I cant have a lolipop. 

This was my decision, I instigated it. So why do I feel like this? -I want to feel releaved- instead I feel aggrieved. 

There is no other way for this to end- so why am I pining for a different ending? :scratchhead:

I dont know what Im doing anymore....


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I think that's an inevitable feeling - court dates and papers are so final and formal

when my divorce petition came through yesterday H was in tears even though he's the one that started and wants it!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!!! STBXH is being an A hole!!!

Estate agent came out at the weekend, I had told him about a week or so ago that I would be instructing them to sell the house. I asked if he wanted to be there.." NO!" was the curt reply I received. "You do it, you want it. You don't need me there" so I did.. I rang him as soon as she had been, told him how it had gone. I told him I had received a letter off the court that morning with the hearing date and that it looked like he had one too (because he has complained that I could have warned him when stuff turns up...

So since Saturday night he has been stomping round like a child. Slamming doors, throwing stuff about. I called him out about it and asked him politely & calmly to stop. I was accused of being patronizing..so I say Stop behaving like this in front of our 7 year old daughter, it's not fair on her. She doesn't deserve it. Especially as he is getting what he wanted. After all he chose the OW over our marriage. He responds with.." NO! This is what you want, you want a divorce not me. You are the one who caused this" 

So I reply with, " oh I'm sorry I forgot I was the one who told you to go back to her, I forgot I told you to lie to me and your family. I don't remember telling you it was ok to sleep with her and treat me & our daughter like an inconvenience. You chose this path when you chose her over us..."

I took my daughter out for the evening to see his aunties, the atmosphere was appalling. We went out again Sunday for the same reason, we had agreed to take her to the park together but he refused to come when our daughter asked him to come.

I asked him to sign the paperwork for the house, he said I'll do it later. I asked him again today, he replied with "whats the rush?" and went to bed.

What the he'll is he doing? I mean he has an affair, he gets engaged to her whilst pretending to be a husband & a father at home. The guy is a joke. What is he trying to achieve? Is he just being awkward or does he think that he can stop the inevitable by being an arse? 

How do you reason with someone who is unreasonable? He can't or won't talk to me without getting angry or aggressive. I just want to move on. This is torture for me, let alone our daughter. This is what he wanted surely? I mean why risk it all if you weren't prepared for the consequences? He asked her to marry him he must have thought this far ahead ...

God I can't stand the thought of it dragging out any longer.. I'm lying here next to my daughter, crying at the thought of it.. I don't want to wake her but I feel trapped...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I feel like crap.. Puffy eyes from crying. Now got to go to work and be all motivational & positive ... Eugh..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Startingover I know how you feel its been a hard couple of days for me too- all i can say is ((Hugs)) and stay strong


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

sorry you are hurting, proceed with what you are doing and don't respond to his tantrums, he's trying to stay in control and blame you, but don't let that happen, this is your life (and daughter's). he's mad he can't have both you and ow. get a mediator or lawyer if he continues lashing out or avoiding.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

So... The estate agent came out last week, valued the house & it was all ready to go on the market. I had been up since 6am cleaning & putting away mt STBXH sh*t that lives wherever he puts it down.. You know the kind of thing, spare pair of workboot in the kitchen by the back door.. His clothes he refuses to put away because they are easier to find of the back of a chair...

All I needed was STBXH to sign. I called him up after she left & told him she had been, also gave him a head's up that I had received a letter from the court stating our hearing date for the decree nici was 19th April. He sound ok - I ask is he alright? He says he is. He has complained in the past to being ambushed with this stuff when he comes home from work so I thought I was doing a good thing.

I wait for him to come home- I've put some of the stuff I put away back out because I know he will be paranoid about my motives (his paranoia has reached epic levels). He comes home from work and starts stomping about the house, slamming doors, throwing stuff about.

I confronted him about it & ask him to stop. As calmly & politely as I can. Please stop slamming stuff around & banging doors, he says he isnt & there is nothing wrong with him, then slams a glass down on the table. I again say, stop banging stuff down, if you have something to say just say it. He accuses me of patronising him. 
I explain if he stops acting like a child and speaks to me I wont talk to him like a child. 

He spits some coment at me about how I cant wait to get rid of him.. how I cant wait for a diorce. I calmy said that he needs to consider the effect of his words and actions on our daughter who is sat in the room with us.

He shuts up.

I ask him later if he is going to sign the paperwork for the estate agent - he replies Yeah...


The next night, he still hasnt signed- we sit in silence all night with him seething slowly on the sofa next to me. Just as he is about to go to bed I ask will you sighn the papers, he replied what's the rush? I'm in no rush, only you are.. and goes to bed..

I have a meltdown & cry myself to sleep. Feeling more trapped than ever in this mess.. I manage to go to work the next day & last until about 1.30pm before sending him a text asking why the delay in selling the house. He accuses me of being desperate to erase him out of my life, he is not delaying anything as the sales board is not up & the details not printed so how is he delaying me.

I reply to everytng as calmly as I can, pointing out how miserable & oppressive I find the atmosphere in the house, how I hate coming ome because of his moods and how unhealthy it is for our daughter to live with. I pointed out that I thought he was right when he said recently that life was short & he just wanted to be happy with what time left he hd and I had realised I wanted the same thing. I pointed out that everything that is happening to him is a cnsequences of the choices he made with his mistress and that he & she not I are to blame for this mess. I explained that the house cannot be markted until we have both signed the contract, that I am sick of fighting & I just want it to be over. 

He replies with you are unbelievable - thank you I said.

So come the evening he is home from work - our daughter is in bed & I tell him I want to talk.. he doesnt feel like it he says - to which I replied ok I'll talk you listen..

Well I let rip... every frustration, everything I have been holding back came tumbling out of my mouth, initially I was calm but I started to cry because I am so angry & frustrated - I explain this to him.

By the time I am finished he is just sat there - he cant make eye contact with me. I tell him I have n respect for him anymore because he didn't even try to save our marriage, no remorse, no contrite behavior just arrogance & denial. 

So he tried drip feeding me, hes sorry for the affair, there was no engagement and he des not remember going to a studio and getting his photo taken?!? F*CK!!! Seriously - you need to go to the doctor if you cant remember something so out of the ordinary buddy!!!

He says he has offered to do anything - no you haven't I'm sure I did he says.. No believe me I have the texts telling me where to go.. None of them said sorry.. Ok then he says 

I WILL DO ANYTHING TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE?!!!?

SERIOUSLY - You are about 6 months too late you moron!!!

I called his bluff - I want you to confront her, in fromt of me. Call her a liar to her face, tell her to stay away, tel her anything - just make sure that by the end of it she will want noting more to do with you.. Break her heart the way you broke mine..

He goes quiet..

What will that achieve?? He asked ..Well it will make me feel a damn site better.. and it will prove to me you mean it...
ERM.. I dont want to go roulnd there kicking off, it will just cause trouble.. You dont have to kick off.. just set her straight..

SILENCE...

What if she starts saying sh1t? I mean she could say anything when she is cornered, she could come out with all kinds of lies..

So I asked- what are you hiding - nothing.. What are you worried about? Nothing.. What does she have on you? What could possibly be worse that what I already know, nothing but I dont see the point..

So I will do anything is a bunch of crap??? No... but.. he never finished the sentance..

Since then he seems to be under the miss onception that we are heading for a reconcilliation??!! I mean even if he did do it I doubt it would happen, I dont for one minute think he will but I'm curious. He has signed the paperwork and told a neighbour we are moving to another town together???

I lso found a pay as you go SIM on the kitchen floor today, not mine, looks like it fell out of his bag when he was throwing things - I'm assuming its used to contact her as he leaves his normal phone out and doesnt guard it. Does this ean he isnt contacting her anymore? Cant get into it - pin protected but I'd love to know what is on it.. 

This is like a tangled ball of wool that I cant un ravel...


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

My head is wrecked...
I know this can only end one way.. 

I CAN NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN,

So why am I allowing myself to indulge in a fantasy where we live happily ever after..
I'm such a fool.. I deserve everything I get
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Startingover,

you are not the fool- its hard to let go even when you know its the right thing to do- I completely understand - i dont want him anymore but still find myself thinking of him or is he thinking of me- knowing that he is LYING to me and denying things about the OW to my face, even though we are over. I wish we all could forget about them like they forget so easily about us and the years we spent together, but unlike them we are not totally selfish and self absorbed. I wish I could say something else to make you feel better but a lot of us here are in the same boat.

Be strong--


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Startingover,
> 
> you are not the fool- its hard to let go even when you know its the right thing to do- I completely understand - i dont want him anymore but still find myself thinking of him or is he thinking of me- knowing that he is LYING to me and denying things about the OW to my face, even though we are over. I wish we all could forget about them like they forget so easily about us and the years we spent together, but unlike them we are not totally selfish and self absorbed. I wish I could say something else to make you feel better but a lot of us here are in the same boat.
> 
> Be strong--


Thanks... I'm trying but I seem to have gone backwards.. 
I feel like such a coward. I know when it comes to moving out I will hesitate about moving on without him. I wish I was one of those people who could turn away & not look back. 
Instead, I know I am going to come up with so many lame reasons why it would be better to stick it out.
What kind of an idiot stays with a man who obviously has no respect for her? Who holds them in such contempt and makes them feel miserable? 
If I were on the outside looking in, I'd want to give me a slap..tell me to wake up & smell the coffee?

I'm doubting myself & questioning everything. Just because he is being "nice" Im being pulled back in again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

startingover,

dont feel like a coward everyone does things in there own time- stbxh treated me like a piece of crap for 7 months continually hurting me again and again. i stuck by his side trying to make things work even though he was the one who had the EA. all my friends and fam wanted me to leave him and throw him out of the house but i didnt, i kept going until i couldnt do it anymore. be strong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I have started having overtly sexual dreams about my STBXH. they are really disconcerting, never quite doing anything and are really random. I dont think of him like that whilst I'm awake? So WTF is going on? I feel like crap when I wake up, like I have let myself down? What's going on? I need an off switch please!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> I have started having overtly sexual dreams about my STBXH. they are really disconcerting, never quite doing anything and are really random. I dont think of him like that whilst I'm awake? So WTF is going on? I feel like crap when I wake up, like I have let myself down? What's going on? I need an off switch please!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*OFF*

just stay strong and keep doing what you KNOW you have to do.
he seems to be living in some kind of fantasy land right now and he is doing all he can do to make you feel bad for him and feel weak with yourself.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I feel for you, I have not been in your situation and have wondered what I'd do if my H changed his mind. I have a set of ideas that I would want him to do in order to R. It's hard to think about the "what if." 

It awfully scary after we have been together so long, and since I have young kids and if he changed his mind I would probably be open to an R but it would require a few things and not be immediate either. But I don't see it happening.

Do what you need to do. If you really want him to do the break off/hurting her the way he hurt you make it a requirement or come up w/ a compromising grand gesture. I do totally understand .


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

StartingOver,

Wow! I spent the morning reading/catching up on your story and I feel anxious and exhausted just from reading it. I can't imagine how awful it would be to live it. I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

Like 2nd said, you're husband seems to be living in a fantasy land. He seems to go back and forth between childish tantrums and pretending everything is fine. I think you need to stick with your plan of moving on without him. You can only live with 'crazy' for so long, before they start to drag you down with them.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Thanks guys... I'm exhausted by all this crap.. I know that if I can get through this, & get into my own house with my little girl, then we will be in a much better place. He is incapable of telling the truth. That much I do know. I am convinced that all of this is just lip service to keep me sweet, whilst telling her what she wants to hear and keeping us both dangling. I think it's a control thing. Makes him feel like a big man to have both of us trying to hold on to him...

I dont believe for one second that he truly wants me. He wants our daughter & we come as a package. I'm only dragging my feet because I didn't want any of this, EVER! I don't cope well with change, and although I see it as inevitable now. I would do anything to avoid what is ahead. My confidence is shot. He has been instrumental in that over the years. He has always been jealous, possessive & controlling. I don't see anyone else wanting me ever. I am the kind of person who needs a plan, a clear path ahead of me. I find the uncertainty terrifying. 

Each time he starts telling me crap about how he is going to change, I want to believe it. But there is this voice inside my head that is screaming at me not to believe him. I know I can't risk my heart being ripped to shreds again, so I have locked it up & thrown away the key. 

I only see him hurting me again. I need to get away from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

startingover, you WILL do just fine and you WILL find someone that wants you some day when you feel ready for it.
you are doing good in seeing what is happening.
i know you dont want to be his back up or 2nd choice.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

So I decided to talk to him again today.. We haven't said alot since the other day when he came out with the "I'll do anything" crap.. It has been irritating me that there has been a distinct lack of anything since then, no conversation nothing. So I asked him tonight.. So was all that just talk? You didn't mean it? You were just talking crap? 
To which he replies... WHAT? so I relayed the conversation we had back to him & he denies it?!?! 

WTF?? It never happened, just like the affair & the engagement?? OMG!! seriously I could do him some serious harm right now! He says as far as I was concerned nothing had changed & we were getting divorced.. He can't remember saying what he did..

I'm beginning to think he has serious mental health issues or at the very least a brain tumor, it's the only thing I can think of to explain his behavior. 
Why is he torturing me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

either he does have mental issues or he is just playing you big time.
i think he is playing you and trying to make you think you have the mental issues, hes trying to break you down.
i think youre best off just leaving things alone or you may begin to doubt yourself as he wants.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> either he does have mental issues or he is just playing you big time.
> i think he is playing you and trying to make you think you have the mental issues, hes trying to break you down.
> i think youre best off just leaving things alone or you may begin to doubt yourself as he wants.


I think so too.. I'm so angry right now I want to break stuff..(
I want to hurt him.. The way he is hurting me.. I want to expose his lies to everyone, he's doing a great job of keeping all this under wraps. I'm afraid if I lose it I will look like a nut job and play right into his hands

I want this pain to go away.. I'm scared of what's going through my head right now, I had self harm issues when I was a teenager & I feel like I'm that 16 year old kid again... Frustrated, hurt & wanting someone to help me but not knowing where to turn. I am not this person anymore.. I refuse to let him break me down..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I swore I wouldn't cry over him any more.. Good grief I can't even do that.. I'm up here breaking my heart over our broken marriage & he's down there playing on his x box with his mates, laughing & joking... My life is a soap opera
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Trying to be friends with a wayward is foolish and a waste. Go completely and utterly dark. Your marriage isnkt high school. She betrayed you.
> 
> Ten years down the road when the anger is gone and the dust has settled, then maybe you can buy her a coke and laugh about the old times. Until then, treat her like communism.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


????!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> I think so too.. I'm so angry right now I want to break stuff..(
> I want to hurt him.. The way he is hurting me.. I want to expose his lies to everyone, he's doing a great job of keeping all this under wraps. I'm afraid if I lose it I will look like a nut job and play right into his hands
> 
> I want this pain to go away.. I'm scared of what's going through my head right now, I had self harm issues when I was a teenager & I feel like I'm that 16 year old kid again... Frustrated, hurt & wanting someone to help me but not knowing where to turn. I am not this person anymore.. I refuse to let him break me down..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


are you living together now?
if so, do you feel like you need to be completely away from him?
it sounds to me like you need to.
just leave the discussions like you just had with him alone.
dont have anymore with him at all.
you dont want to break for anyone, especially someone who was supposed to love you completely but instead chooses to do these things to you.
really sounds like you need complete distance from him.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> ????!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thats what i say...
wtf thread does he think he is in? :scratchhead:


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> are you living together now?
> if so, do you feel like you need to be completely away from him?
> it sounds to me like you need to.
> just leave the discussions like you just had with him alone.
> ...


House us up for sale.. He is refusing to leave & I can't. My job means I can't have any bad credit, if I leave he has said he will not pay the mortgage, I can't afford it on my own, I can't afford to pay rent & mortgage.. I'm screwed till the house sells.. But it's torture..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> House us up for sale.. He is refusing to leave & I can't. My job means I can't have any bad credit, if I leave he has said he will not pay the mortgage, I can't afford it on my own, I can't afford to pay rent & mortgage.. I'm screwed till the house sells.. But it's torture..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hmmm, this sucks.

you just need to avoid him completely at all costs.
i know hard to do but you dont want to break and you DO NOT want to go back to being that 16 year old again.
only discuss things you absolutely have to, nothing else, just stay completely away from him as you can.
AND NO SEX!!!
just make like he is not even there.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> either he does have mental issues or he is just playing you big time.
> i think he is playing you and trying to make you think you have the mental issues, hes trying to break you down.
> i think youre best off just leaving things alone or you may begin to doubt yourself as he wants.


"Gaslighting describes a pattern of pychological abuse in which the victim is gradually manipulated into doubting her own reality. This can involve physical tactics (such as moving or hiding objects) or *emotional ones (such as denying one's own abusive behavior to a victim.)* *The effect is to maintain the abuser's self-image as a sympathetic person, while simultaneously priming the disoriented victim to believe that she is to blame for mistreatment.*"

Don't let him gaslight you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> "Gaslighting describes a pattern of pychological abuse in which the victim is gradually manipulated into doubting her own reality. This can involve physical tactics (such as moving or hiding objects) or *emotional ones (such as denying one's own abusive behavior to a victim.)* *The effect is to maintain the abuser's self-image as a sympathetic person, while simultaneously priming the disoriented victim to believe that she is to blame for mistreatment.*"
> 
> Don't let him gaslight you.


does this sound like what he is doing to you?
sure does to me.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

WOW! Girl, you are living with the Mayor of Crazytown!

Take some deep breaths and tell yourself continually, "I am building a new and better life for myself and my daughter."

Keep your mind on the goal: Complete elimination of this idiot from your life. I think you need to disconnect from him completely. I hope you are only cooking meals for yourself and your daughter (let him make his own damned meals.) I hope you are only doing laundry for yourself and your daughter (let him wash his own damned clothes.) Until your house sells, pretend you and your daughter are temporarily living in a hotel with a rather rude guest and you do NOT need to clean up after nor engage in any conversation with total strangers (is he not a stranger compared to the man you THOUGHT you were married to for years?)

You only want him NOW because you're scared. But you will be strong and survive this. Never forget that you are modelling behavior for your daughter and allowing a lying, cheating husband to walk all over you is not something you want and is not something you want HER to learn.

Do something positive every week for yourself and in preparation for your new life...whether it is exercising or reading a self-help book. Do NOT engage with him in conversation. If he is ambushed by papers coming in the mail, so what? Are you not just as surprised by their arrival when you get YOUR papers? You have no idea what day they'll arrive any more than he does. He doesn't like it? Tough crap!

Let go of his relationship with the OW. You have NO idea how screwed up it may actually be! It occurred to me while reading through all of your posts that maybe HE DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO MARRY HER! You have no idea how much pressure she may have brought to bear on him to marry her after spending her ENTIRE adult life in an affair with a married man. Doesn't necessarily mean HE wants to marry her. Or this soon. Or ever. Maybe he liked being a big-shot with his mates by being married AND having a piece on the side! Now that is all going away. He is losing the marriage and (perhaps) hopping into another one right away. That won't win him any 'macho' points. Maybe that's not his game, who knows?

You're afraid no-one will ever want you again, but that's not true. You have been a good woman, a great mother, a supportive wife and those are traits that won't change. If you're not satisfied with your health or appearance, work on them. It is ALL to your benefit.

By the way, he cannot dictate your relationship in the future with your MIL. You are both adults and can visit with anyone you want. She is also the Grandmother to your daughter. He can tell you not to see her anymore, but YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM.

Just console yourself with remembering that you have taken the right stand by refusing to be disrespected and lied to. He and the OW are going to be in their own personal hell once the house sells. If he REALLY wanted to live with her, he could have by now. He hasn't, which makes me believe he doesn't really want to. And their married life is going to be one hellacious mess...between the in-laws who are going to hate her, and her constant worry about whether he's cheating on her (with you? with some other woman? with that cute woman at work? the clerk in the store? the neighbor?) 

I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall during THAT marriage, but that would require my moving to Crazytown. And that is just not in my current long-range plans. 

Happy sanity to you, StartingOver!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Thank you for your support last night... 

I had some very dark thoughts and after a crap night sleep, I have spent most of the day dozing, much to the annoyance of someone else.. I've justified everything he has said about me today. He is no doubt feeling very smug. Ignoring him is exhausting, at least he's gone to work tonight and I get some peace... For a short while anyway. I am trying to focus on my new life with our daughter. I need to stop digging my heals in against the inevitable. Accept what is coming and make the most of it. 

10 days till decree nici... I may hold off on the absolute..I mean, it's not like it could disrupt anyones plans...I haven't decided.

The most important thing is getting the house sold & get somewhere for my daughter & me to live our lives in peace x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Nothing he says about you is justified! Even if you've been dozing in bed most of the day, remember this: it's because of his treatment of you, not because you have some character flaw. Emotional abuse has a silent physical component, too. A person can't live under the constant stress, have lousy sleep, adrenaline rushes during his attacks, etc., withouth it taking a physical toll. 

One thing I think you'll find is that once you are no longer living with him, and your D is final, the lack of him and his abuse will have you feel a little better almost at once. The emotional hurt will be there for a while, but a therapist or counselor will help you to also get through that. If you don't have access to therapy, there are some really good books about dealing with/starting over from an abusive relationship.
A couple that I thought were particularly good were:

Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (he's tough on abusers, and doesn't let them blame their past, or substances, etc., for their abuse)

A couple by Patricia Evans:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond
Controlling people
(She also just put out a new one in December called Victory Over Verbal Abuse, but I haven't read that one -- Yet, LOL)

Two by Beverly Engel:
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship 
The Emotionally Abused Woman


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Ok, so been doing the 180.. Avoiding. Difficult in the house but doing the best I can. He is on nights so has been relaxed last couple nights & I've been feeling alot better. 
I slept really well last night, woke up & he's already back & asleep in our daughters old room. So I say to my little girl, let's go out & do some shopping and run some errands.. I start getting ready and just as I've finished he goes downstairs, our daughter tells him of our plans & he invites himself along!! 

Daughter is delighted, I'm not.. I ask why he wants to come as he has only had 2 hours sleep if he's been at work all night, he says he has had a few hours at work and it's no big deal is it? So I bite my lip (or what is left of it) and we go out, he directs us to an electrical superstore.. He wants to buy a fridge freezer for us, the old one is on it's last legs he says and he thinks we need a new one?? 

I mean what kind of freak is he, expeting me to pick out appliances that he will either take with him when we separate or that he & his Bint will use in their new home. I followed behind but showed little interest.. Because I'm not. We came home, he went online and ordered one that will be delivered tomorrow. He's spent about £400 on it?? 

I'm at a loss.. He's not right in the head. SERIOUSLY!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

9 days till the decree nici....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> 9 days till the decree nici....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, I was reading up a little on decree nici, trying to understand what it will mean for you, but I still don't get it. What does a decree nisi mean other than the fact that you can apply for a decree absolute 6 weeks and 1 day later? Does it separate the finances? How long after the decree absolute are you divorced?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Decree nici translates as "if" from the Latin. It's a provisional divorce agreement. Means the court has agreed to end our marriage. All monetary & family issues must be sorted before applying for the Nici. After 6 weeks & 1 day I can apply for the absolute (just a form) which will end the marriage and allow either of us to marry again.

As he has arrogantly refused to acknowledge any part of the divorce, it is going ahead on the decision of the judge that I have made enough effort to serve him papers. 
The judge decided that my proposals for access to our daughter is fair and I have also applied for full & final settlement. Which basically means all joint property is split 50/50 and he can't come back and claim anything from me after the divorce (pension etc) 

He is unaware of all of this because he is too arrogant to seek advice and too arrogant to admit this is happening.

MORON!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Got this off the YouGov site.. Explains a bit better...

3. Applying for a ‘decree nisi’
If you’ve sent your divorce petition to court and your spouse has told the court they agree, you can move to the next stage.

This is applying for a ‘decree nisi’ – a document that says the court sees no reason why you can’t divorce. See ‘Getting a decree nisi’ for more information.

Getting a decree nisi
4. Getting a decree absolute
The ‘decree absolute’ is the document that legally ends your marriage.

If you started the divorce, you can apply for a ‘decree absolute’ six weeks after the court issues the decree nisi.

If your spouse started the divorce you can apply for a ‘decree absolute’ after an additional*three months. So you would have to wait three months and six days after the decree nisi was issued before you could apply.

Once you have the decree absolute, you are officially divorced. See ‘Getting a decree absolute and completing your divorce’ for more information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Thanks for explaining. I'm glad you're taking care of everything. 
I'm not surprised that he is oblivious to what is happening. That seems to be his modus operandi. Suddenly there's a lot of Latin in this thread


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Lol ) 

He's always been the same, big man, big mouth, always "gonna" do this or sort someone out.. He likes to think he Knows best... Truth be told I've been saving him from himself for decades... Smoothing things out when his mouth runs away with him, reasoning with him when he gets a bee in his knickers in a twist about stuff and letting him think it was his idea when he does something sensible..

Not any more & he's like a fish out of water.. He's making his own mistakes now & making alot of them...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Half term in the UK and I have been off with my daughter, unbeknowns to me he had booked some time off.. /
He's insisting on going out as a family which is so frustrating.. He's bought a new whopping fridge freezer and has been doing jobs around the house that have been waiting for the last 7 years to be done, he's throwing money around like there is no tomorrow???

Anyhow today got a call from the estate agent, we have a viewing on Saturday.. He's gone into overdrive since then!! Trying to be the perfect husband... UNBELIEVABLE!!
I'm just letting him get on with it... Been clearing out the filing cabinet, found dome old anniversay & valentines cards from both of us. Initially I was sad, now I'm just angry because it was all bulls*it.. I bet she has matching ones from him too.. 

I just want to grab him by the shoulders & shake him!!

Ah well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Hang in there. Seven days till decree nisi.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

"He's gone into overdrive since then!! Trying to be the perfect husband... UNBELIEVABLE!!"

A-HA-HA-HA-HA! Yeah, too little too late.

Seems like he REALLY doesn't want to marry the OW. Tell him to save the 'perfect husband' routine for OW. Maybe she'll believe it...tell him YOU don't.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm sick of the self pitying thoughts that creep into my thoughts...Why me? Etc etc..
They serve no purpose, the only bring me pain and frustration.

I want to drown these thoughts out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

No advice. I can't imagine. Is he MLC? Can you find some help from the midlifeclubforum.com? 

It sounds like he may be freaking at the actual finality. What is it that you want? Are you in IC to help figure this all out?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> No advice. I can't imagine. Is he MLC? Can you find some help from the midlifeclubforum.com?
> 
> It sounds like he may be freaking at the actual finality. What is it that you want? Are you in IC to help figure this all out?


M2M, if it is a MLC then he has been having it since he was 20!! Lol x I honestly think he doesnt believe I will go through with it, he's clinging to the remains of his life & by that I mean both of them. He doesn't want to choose between us, nor does he want the choice made for him. His arrogance is driving him, he believes I will back down at the last minute. He's playing a game of chicken with our lives.. He won't say anything to stop it unless I do first. Well I'm not playing...

I dont have alot of support, I'm doing much of this on my own. Which leads to me second guessing my actions. I don't open up with alot of people& one of my friends pointed out to me the other day that I'm doing much of this by myself.. She's right..

IC is not really an option, the waiting list is 3 months on NHS and I can't afford to pay for Relate sessions. I can just about cover the bills (he's pulled back financially)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm glad you're being strong and taking care of things. It must be very difficult having to handle all of this on your own. Your husband sounds like he lives in a perpetual state of denial; "If I just pretend it's not happening, it'll go away".


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> I'm glad you're being strong and taking care of things. It must be very difficult having to handle all of this on your own. Your husband sounds like he lives in a perpetual state of denial; "If I just pretend it's not happening, it'll go away".


OG... yeah, he's confusing the he'll out of me.. He's spent the day doing DIY that has been outstanding for years, getting the house ready for the viewing tomorrow?! 
I'm trying to figure out what's going on in his mind. Has he accepted it? Is he glad cause he has a master plan to set up home with her? Or is he trying to be helpful and ingratiate himself ? 
I mean most blokes would ave not only left by now, but if they were dead set against it surely they wouldnt help out??

Ugh! I could go insane trying to figure out his motives. If only he would talk to me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

You will go insane if you keep trying to figure him out. Stop doing that. Don't make me slap you  

Seriously, concentrate on taking care of yourself and your daughter; don't let him drag you down.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> You will go insane if you keep trying to figure him out. Stop doing that. Don't make me slap you
> 
> Seriously, concentrate on taking care of yourself and your daughter; don't let him drag you down.


Ha! I could happily slap myself most days!!!
I need some distance from him, the sooner the better x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I asked him again about his "I'll do anything comment, unsurprisingly he still has selective amnesia.. I asked if he was going to confront her like I asked. He said he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't want to upset her & cause trouble... Oh right! So it's ok to rip my heart out & stamp all over it, but god forbid she gets upset??he said I want him to do something he doesn't want to... Er DURR! That's the point you moron! 

For me, It's not about causing trouble or even upsetting her. it's not supposed to be easy otherwise what would be the point? What would it prove?
It's about him proving what I mean to him. It's about him putting me & our marriage before her feelings, before his own pride*
It's about proving to me that it's over once and for all. It's about cutting all ties with her so there can be no going back!? He is such a d*ckhead if he can't see that 

Anyway someone came to view the house today & he disappeared with my daughter for a couple of hours. Looks like we have gone from denial to avoidance..,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

So the divorce hearing was today, divorce should have been granted and in 6 weeks 1 day I will be able to finalize it.. Feel kinda sad and a little numb..

Has a bizarre coversalion with my MIL last night, I had a viewing on the house & she asked me to call as the STBXH bailed and left me to do it alone again, but this time it was evening and she was worried (bless her ) she said to me, you know he's burying his head in the sand, he thinks that if he ignores the situation it will go away.. I replied, well he's wrong. She went on to say, he loves you, he's always been so jealous about you it's obvious and he still maintains he doesn't want a divorce.. I replied.. Well he has a funny wayof showing it!!
She then went on to suggest that once the divorce is through, I should consider us continuing to live together once the house is sold!!! 

She suggested that once it's sold we rent a place together and give ourselves more time to work on our marriage?!?

REALLY?!?! I was stunned! I mean, you call your son delusional and then come out with this? I love my MIL very much but, HELL I can see where he gets it from!! 

I'm exhausted by all this crap, I really am..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Hi [email protected] - I've been thinking about you today and wondering how you're doing. So now you have to decide if you are going to apply for the decree absolute in 6 weeks right? 

I can certainly understand you feeling sad and exhausted. It sounds like he learned how to live in denial at his mother's knee.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

OG, yeah.. Part of me wants to get it over & done with.. Part of me wants to hold off, especially as the OW is planning the wedding..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

That's just petty though isn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

I don't blame you for wanting to hurt her, but your focus needs to be making things better for you and your daughter, right?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> I don't blame you for wanting to hurt her, but your focus needs to be making things better for you and your daughter, right?


I know you are right... Leaning towards getting it over & done with. Trying to let go of the bitterness. My Mum, god rest her, always held a grudge, she could never let go an it made her bitter, lonely and full of regret as she got older. It showed on her face and I don't ever want that go happen to me. Mum also had a huge heart and an even greater capacity to love. She could be so loving and loyal too, which I hope is one of her better traits I have picked up. 

I still feel a huge sense of injustice about the whole sorry mess and that's what I find hard to let go. I am an ISTJ (myers Briggs personality type) and I have a very very strong need for justice as well as a very strong moral compass.. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised about how I feel..

I wish things were different .. ( bad day today
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

startingover im istj too 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Weird day today.. He's in work, daughter gone out for the day with relatives. So I'm on my own!! I've Loved it!! I'm sure it will be different when I've had to hand my darling girl over to her dad for the weekend, but I can stand my own company, so it's a start! Isn't it??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Sounds good to me :smthumbup:


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Weird day today.. He's in work, daughter gone out for the day with relatives. So I'm on my own!! I've Loved it!! I'm sure it will be different when I've had to hand my darling girl over to her dad for the weekend, but I can stand my own company, so it's a start! Isn't it??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sure does.
doing good


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

How come you can have a good day followed by a dire one?
From a relative high to a awful crappy low...

Ugh!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> How come you can have a good day followed by a dire one?
> From a relative high to a awful crappy low...
> 
> Ugh!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good question. Are you on any anti depressants? I just started today. It will take at least a few weeks to get into my system, but I'm hoping my feelings will be more stable once they do.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

jenny123 said:


> Good question. Are you on any anti depressants? I just started today. It will take at least a few weeks to get into my system, but I'm hoping my feelings will be more stable once they do.


Ironically came off them just about a month before d day!! Ha! Was put on them for PND after my daughter was born. Was a big step to come off them, don't really want to go back on them. I personally don't think they did me any favors. Was on Peroxatine. I'll be ok I suppose, got to ride it out. Think it was a trigger at work. Hard when both areas of your life suck at the same time.. MEH (
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> How come you can have a good day followed by a dire one?
> From a relative high to a awful crappy low...
> 
> Ugh!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Having the worst, crappy day at work. Been verbally abused, threatened and spat at by a customer. I was fine until about half an hour later and I realized I have no one to call. Normally I would call STBHX and just tell him, sound off, or just get it off my chest. But there is no-one I can do that with now!! 

So now I am sat in my office out the back, sniveling like a baby. I feel so alone right now. I also feel like I am being punished for something.. I just want some good times for a change... 

(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Sorry [email protected] {{{hugs}}} People can be so mean. Hope your day gets better. You can always PM me when you have no one to call. I'll be happy to listen


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Ok... I think I might be losing it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> Ok... I think I might be losing it...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's going on?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm an idiot... 

I know I'm an idiot... I'm a needy, desperate, idiot with no self respect & I deserve everything I get
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> I'm an idiot...
> 
> I know I'm an idiot... I'm a needy, desperate, idiot with no self respect & I deserve everything I get
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I take it you made contact.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Can't help with contact when he refuses to move out.. 

No.. Contact I can cope with (or obviously not) 

NO! I MAKE A PASS AT HIM!! Which he rejects!! 

I AM SUCH A F'IN IDIOT... WHY?WHY? WHY?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

40, everyone makes mistakes its ok, just move forward. i threw myself at ex like everyday for months before he walked out and 90% of the time he rejected me. i even slept with him one time after he left and felt like such a piece of poop for it. dont beat yourself up you are only human and it was a mistake
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Please listen to unsure, she's right. We all make these mistakes. I have done the same thing on more than one occasion. I don't typically confess it here because I feel like you guys are all so strong and I feel weak and needy. I have slept with my husband more than once since he left me. THERE I SAID IT. I wish he had turned me down because after the fact I felt like the trashy other woman. We are all human and we sometimes can't help doing regretful things. We want to prove they still want us or they care. There are a multitude of reasons. Please just shake it off as a moment of weakness. Forgive yourself and move on.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

cantmove said:


> Please listen to unsure, she's right. We all make these mistakes. I have done the same thing on more than one occasion. *I don't typically confess it here because I feel like you guys are all so strong and I feel weak and needy.* I have slept with my husband more than once since he left me. THERE I SAID IT. I wish he had turned me down because after the fact I felt like the trashy other woman. *We are all human* and we sometimes can't help doing regretful things. We want to prove they still want us or they care. There are a multitude of reasons. Please just shake it off as a moment of weakness. Forgive yourself and move on.


More like stronger with rough moments. Several of us that are getting to the other side still experience a bump in the road at times. It's normal to have a moment of hope/weakness and wanting to take a chance. 

That said, if your actions are counterproductive to progress and not reciprocated, it's time to change the course of action(s).


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I don't know what I am more angry at, for making a pass or for him rejecting me. I could put it down to a moment of weakness, I've been ill the last couple of days and wanted a bit of affection & comfort. Although why I thought I'd get it from him, when there has been precious little of it in recent years I'll never know. 

He has used sex and his affection as a control for such a long time, withholding both until I felt so insecure and unloveable that when he did offer me a morsel I was so grateful I took whatever was on offer, no matter how I felt afterwards. I know now it is a power trip for him. Which is why he treats his mistress the same way. Makes him feel like a big man. He'll be feeling very good about himself today no doubt. It's made me remember just how miserable he can make me feel & he gets off on it.

Maybe it was a mistake, but it made me remember just why I am going through this crap & why I will be so much better off without him. 
I think I might just hate him..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hate away 40, it made it a lot easier for me to start to get away from him when i did


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> I don't know what I am more angry at, for making a pass or for him rejecting me. I could put it down to a moment of weakness, I've been ill the last couple of days and wanted a bit of affection & comfort. Although why I thought I'd get it from him, when there has been precious little of it in recent years I'll never know.
> 
> He has used sex and his affection as a control for such a long time, withholding both until I felt so insecure and unloveable that when he did offer me a morsel I was so grateful I took whatever was on offer, no matter how I felt afterwards. I know now it is a power trip for him. Which is why he treats his mistress the same way. Makes him feel like a big man. He'll be feeling very good about himself today no doubt. It's made me remember just how miserable he can make me feel & he gets off on it.
> 
> ...


Loving yourself is more important than anything he does - or does not do.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Loving yourself is more important than anything he does - or does not do.


Unfortunately that's much easier said than done for me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Unfortunately that's much easier said than done for me...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I think a lot of us here have that same problem, 40. Something my therapist suggested has helped a lot. Think of yourself and what you're going through in the third person. Visualize someone else going through it, in other words. Would you judge that person as harshly as you judge yourself? Probably not. Would you feel empathy for that person? Probably so. Allow yourself to feel those feelings really deeply, then mentally merge that other person back into you. It makes it much harder to judge yourself. Once you start feeling compassion, it is easier to love yourself, too.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I think a lot of us here have that same problem, 40. Something my therapist suggested has helped a lot. Think of yourself and what you're going through in the third person. Visualize someone else going through it, in other words. Would you judge that person as harshly as you judge yourself? Probably not. Would you feel empathy for that person? Probably so. Allow yourself to feel those feelings really deeply, then mentally merge that other person back into you. It makes it much harder to judge yourself. Once you start feeling compassion, it is easier to love yourself, too.


I'll give it a go - thank you x


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Another viewing on the house today - fingers crossed...


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Another viewing on the house today - fingers crossed...


Good luck


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm on a bit of a downer... 

The house is still on the market, he is still here.... It's my wedding anniversary on 21st May, 18years and I'm feeling really disappointed and annoyed about how it's turned out. I guess there is still a tiny part of me wishing for a R, although in reality I know it's not going to happen. Work is really stressful, so there is no escape from this crap. My STBXH has told me he is going to have tests for prostate cancer next week!! What am I supposed to do about that?

I'm starting to show physical symptoms of stress again, I'm sat outside work now, waiting for my staff to turn up and I could easily cry or lose it completely.

I know compared to some of you guys on here, I have it easy. But I feel like I am drowning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

There is no 'easy' at times like these, 40. It sounds to me like you're going through an awful lot, so don't be hard on yourself. And your body is a good indicator -- it's showing signs for a reason. Our 15th dating anniversary is on Sunday -- we celebrated it even last year during separation, so this will be the first time not celebrating it. He's with someone else, so no hope of R here. It really sucks. I don't know how I'll get through it. I can't get plastered because DS is with me (STBXH gets to be with his new GF on our anniversary -- I need to have a good talk with Karma on this one!)

Are you getting any bites on your house? They're saying on the news that things are starting to pick up just a little in our housing market. Hopefully with the end of the school year, people will be more likely to want to move and you'll get some interest. 

It will get better. Just remember that, and take lots of deep breaths. I try mindfulness/meditation exercises (when I remember to, LOL - still working on making it more natural), and they really can help with lowering the stress.

Hang in there ((hugs))


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

40 thats tough about the cancer tests, i personally dont know if i could handle not being there for him for that but thats me, helper/fixer. 

Have you tried yoga? Its really helped me relieve stress, I do a gentle class like once/ twice a week and love it


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> I'm on a bit of a downer...
> 
> The house is still on the market, he is still here.... It's my wedding anniversary on 21st May, 18years and I'm feeling really disappointed and annoyed about how it's turned out. I guess there is still a tiny part of me wishing for a R, although in reality I know it's not going to happen. Work is really stressful, so there is no escape from this crap. My STBXH has told me he is going to have tests for prostate cancer next week!! What am I supposed to do about that?
> 
> ...


I know some have it harder than others but that does not discredit how you are feeling.

Changes after so long together are tough to accept. I wish i had words of wisdom on how to handle the stress but in all honesty I'm trying to figure it out too.

I can offer an ear and a hug and prayers for you. I hope today brings you strength again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Our 15th dating anniversary is on Sunday -- we celebrated it even last year during separation, so this will be the first time not celebrating it. He's with someone else, so no hope of R here. It really sucks. I don't know how I'll get through it. I can't get plastered because DS is with me (STBXH gets to be with his new GF on our anniversary -- I need to have a good talk with Karma on this one!)
> 
> ((hugs))


No hope of R here either - I have no idea if he is still with his mistress. But no reason to believe he isn't. Doesn't matter anyway, he's f**ked up for the last time, this is the 5th time he's put me through this crap (with the same woman) and I'm not doing it again.

Although I can feel myself being sucked back in. I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for my DD. He's acting as if nothing is wrong and refusing to discuss anything about the divorce with me. I'm tired & low & I play along just for a quiet life. But I'm screaming inside.:banghead:issed:

i just feel like I can't move on until we are in seperate houses. We haven't had a sniff really on the house, 3 viewings in a month - all like it but ... well you get the idea.

I'm just stressed from this week, work has left me feeling more exhaused than normal & I'm having a relapse. I'll have a small :absolut: tonight as he's on nights so I an have some time to myself & try & get my game face back on


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Im sorry you're going through this hell. 

It's funny, my STBXW has started texting me again after not doing so for more than a month, and I cannot figure out why. Most of the texts are just jabber about meaningless things. Makes me worry she may be trying to get to me again. Maybe she has gotten cold feet about ending the marriage. 

I hate this back and forth crap.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Im sorry you're going through this hell.
> 
> It's funny, my STBXW has started texting me again after not doing so for more than a month, and I cannot figure out why. Most of the texts are just jabber about meaningless things. Makes me worry she may be trying to get to me again. Maybe she has gotten cold feet about ending the marriage.
> 
> I hate this back and forth crap.


I know... I just want to scream at him "you made your choice, when you chose to work on a relationship with her rather than our marriage "
I mean if he had put half as much effort into us, that he has put in to living a doulbe life we would have been unbreakable.. 

Now I've had enough, he's not sure what he wants.. 
Well it sure as hell isn't me! 

I'm not going to try & fix it anymore, especially as I never broke it. Its time for me to start a new and build a better life for me & my dd x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I know... I just want to scream at him "you made your choice, when you chose to work on a relationship with her rather than our marriage "
> I mean if he had put half as much effort into us, that he has put in to living a doulbe life we would have been unbreakable..
> 
> Now I've had enough, he's not sure what he wants..
> ...


That's a good attitude. I need to do the same.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> That's a good attitude. I need to do the same.


I don't retain that attitude 100% of the time, would be great if I could!! It is my default position, when my emotions and the what ifs aren't clouding my thoughts x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected]40 (Dec 18, 2011)

God, I could do with a cuddle tonight 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> God, I could do with a cuddle tonight
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


>


I'll get over it. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I'll get over it. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE
> 
> Oh honey, I wish we could do a group hug...today is -- was -- my anniversary...all day I have been feeling like i need a hug!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

So, anniversary today. I bought a card? I'm sat here looking at it. Thinking to myself, what are you thinking?!

Ive written in it... "This may be the last time I give you one of these. I want to say, I don't regret marrying you, we have had some great times. I tried my best to make you happy. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. Be happy. Love me x"

I don't intend to give it to him. Crazy right?
I don't want anything from him either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Oh yeah, the doc has just signed me off work too... Hypertension... Got some tests tomorrow morning for suspected diabetes too. 
Explains why I have been feeling like crap I suppose?!

MEH :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Please look to your health and let your husand go. You need to take care of you... diet, exercise, the whole bit. I hope its not diabetes.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Listen to bandit, [email protected] -- your body is obviously going to be with you no matter what, so take care of it! Your ex has shown that he is only thinking of himself, so now you have to do the same.

I'm sorry that you had such a tough day yesterday. Maybe getting the card and writing in it will actually help you with a little closure. ((HUGS))


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Maybe getting the card and writing in it will actually help you with a little closure. ((HUGS))


I think it has, I did a similar thing for my Mum on the first mothers day after she passed away. It felt weird not getting her a card, so I got one & wrote a long note in it, telling her how I would miss her and how much she meant to me. I apologised for not being around enough for her while she was ill.. it was very cathartic.

x


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Please look to your health and let your husand go. You need to take care of you... diet, exercise, the whole bit. I hope its not diabetes.


It's likely to be Diabetes unfortunately - there is a family history of it.. Mum, sister etc. 

I'm more worried about the hypertension if I'm honest - heart disease on my Dad's side, he had a quadruple heart bypass, so has my aunt..

STBXH will be beside himself, he used my gaining weight as an excuse for his infidelity just after d day... said I am selfish and I should be more concerned about being there for my daughter...

Talk about kicking a girl when she is down.. Pillock!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You have to get mean with diabetes, and that means you need to cut out your beloved breads and carbs. The more sugars and complex carbs you put in your body, the harder it will be to combat it.

I too have a propensity for diabetes in my family, so I have basically cut out most non-essential carbs and glutens. 

It sucks. But you have to make the change.

*No more*

Pasta
Breads made with white flour
Rice
Potatoes 
Oatmeal (porrige) 
Sugary sweets of any kind....

Start eating more green vegetables, gourds and squashes, non-starchy roots like carrots and turnips, and eat more roasted or baked chicken and fish. 

I grille most of my meats, but I know in England they do not grille much over there. Just cook your meats any way but frying. 

If you do fry, then fry in grape seed or olive oil. 

I know you have heard all this before, but consider this a nice soft Bandit 2x4 to your bum. 

Oh, almost forgot...

No more fish and chips! None! And I'll know if your sneaking any. This Bandit radar has a long range!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I know you have heard all this before, but consider this a nice soft Bandit 2x4 to your bum.
> 
> Oh, almost forgot...
> 
> No more fish and chips! None! And I'll know if your sneaking any. This Bandit radar has a long range!


Don't be too soft with the 2x4 - I can take it 

Lol!! Only allow myself to have fish & chips as a rare treat... lovely though especially on the sea front!! Mmmmm bliss x

Thanks for caring x


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is the Golden Hind in London still open? My STBXW and I had F&C there. I had a pic of us eating there. Pic has been dsiposed of along with everything else from our life together, but I remember the name of the shop. Really good! Yum.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Is the Golden Hind in London still open? My STBXW and I had F&C there. I had a pic of us eating there. Pic has been dsiposed of along with everything else from our life together, but I remember the name of the shop. Really good! Yum.


Apparently so... I live "up north" where they do the best fish & chips in the universe...

Nothing like sitting on Blackpool promenade eating chips from Harry Ramsdens.. It's an annual treat when the illuminations are on.. we all used to go for a day out..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Blackpool is a lot like our Atlantic City if I'm not mistaken. It has a big amusement park isn't it?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Blackpool is a lot like our Atlantic City if I'm not mistaken. It has a big amusement park isn't it?


Yeah, although a bit rough around the edges. It is what it is.. A chance to revisit your childhood. 
You get dragged there as a kid when you live up north, it's the law!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

He left me an anniversary card on the kitchen counter....

It said thank you for looking out for me and for being there when I need you, all my love xx

WTF?!?!?! More than could be said for you mate!!!

Oh yeah & a box of chocolates, for someone who is going for diabetes tests tomorrow! the same woman who on d day you blamed my inability to lose weight for your affair!!!!
AARRRGGGHHHH!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Men are pigs. 

Don't you dare eat those chocolates! Give them to a neighbor you don't like to help speed them on their way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Men are pigs.
> 
> Don't you dare eat those chocolates! Give them to a neighbor you don't like to help speed them on their way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take 'em to work.

Offices are like garbage disposals.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

what the hell 40- what an [email protected]@!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> what the hell 40- what an [email protected]@!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yeah... He is an absolute a$$
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Men are pigs.
> 
> Don't you dare eat those chocolates! Give them to a neighbor you don't like to help speed them on their way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not all men are pigs, just this one! Gave them to my dd, who shared them with him.. Ha! 

Stuff him...

I ripped up the card I wrote out.. Then this morning I sent the one he gave me to his mistress!

Let's see how that goes down!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Not all men are pigs, just this one! Gave them to my dd, who shared them with him.. Ha!
> 
> Stuff him...
> 
> ...


No way 40- thats awesome! Good for you!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

He's being exceptionally civil.. its unnerving:wtf:

I guess his mistress hasn't mentioned the card...

6 days till I can apply for the absolute....:smthumbup:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Whoa, 40, look at the cojones on you!! :smthumbup:


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I ripped up the card I wrote out.. Then this morning I sent the one he gave me to his mistress!
> 
> Let's see how that goes down!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *evil laugh*

I like you :smthumbup:


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## ReadyForAChange (May 22, 2012)

[email protected],
I've been following your thread and I was wondering how everything turned out for you. I'm sorry I'm not trying to nosy or anything like that but I'm going through separation and divorce right now. I feel like running away from ALL of it. I admire you because despite everything you've been through you stood strong. Hope things are better for you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yes, SO, how are you feeling?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm ok..

I've had a fair bit on my plate the last few weeks, was taken ill at work. Went straight to the docs.. long story short I've been off with hypertension & been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes 

Been taking it easy, trying to get my head around it all. Doc says both can be attributed to stress, but I have family history of both too...

Deadline has passed for me to apply for decree absolute (June 1st) not spoken to the solicitor yet. If I'm completely honest I have been putting it off, STBX-AHOLE is being relatively nice & easygoing. I could do without the drama. But I know I'll have to bite the bullet in the next week or so. 

No more viewings on the house, dissappointing but well I don't know what else to do 

I have no idea if he is still with her or not, but I have to assume that he is. There has been alot of "overtime" at work lately  but he has been splashing the cash on our daughter too (guilt!!??)

I'm still terrified about the future as a single mum, but hey I can't change it. I have no desire to date anyone, even flirt with anyone... I just feel like I cannot be bothered with any of that stuff right now. Too complicated 

I had a long chat with my MIL on Friday, we were talking about a younger family member who is going off the rails, how they needed someone to intervene & help them or there was a likelyhood they would end up regretting it later on.. I couldn't help but draw parallels with my STBX-AHOLE and she agreed.. 

Said she was worried about what he was doing, practically begged me not to divorce him as I had been the best thing that ever happened to him... 

It was a really difficult talk... I said that I couldn't turn a blind eye anymore.. that I have to let him make the mistake I knew he was, let him dig his own hole & find his own way out.. I couldn't keep bailing him out, that I need someone to look after me for a change. I'm tired of being the bad guy, the one who says no, the voice of reason.. the adult.. 

I only want to be responsible for me & my daughter.. 

I don't know what will happen when the divorce if finalised.. Im sure I'm in for a rough ride.. but I can't go back now. 

There is no back... only forwards


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

((BIG HUGS)) to you, SO. I'm sorry to hear about your diagnoses, but it totally stands to reason. And a good thing you are still going through with the D. It will be rough, but a certain kind of stress will be gone when you aren't legally tied to STBXH anymore.

Take good care of yourself!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think about you all the time [email protected]

You get well. Please take care of your health and try not to stress too much. Things will work out for you, just have patience. You have friends here at TAM who care about you. 

You have to stay healthy long enough for me to fly over the pond. I want to see those beautiful eyes in person one day.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I think about you all the time [email protected]
> 
> You get well. Please take care of your health and try not to stress too much. Things will work out for you, just have patience. You have friends here at TAM who care about you.
> 
> You have to stay healthy long enough for me to fly over the pond. I want to see those beautiful eyes in person one day.


Aww, thats lovely - thank you Bandit x 
It's a date  x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm having a really bad day today, cant stop crying..

It's come out of nowhere, I feel utterly lost and everything seems so hopeless.. 

I'm overwelmed by how unfair this all is not just on me but on my beautiful daughter.. 

I just want this all to go away.:banghead:

I've lost my fight.. I'm cleaning the house to try & distract myself but it's not working

I'm so sick of this


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It sucks.

Sucks the way it comes and goes. I would go days being OK and then wham!.... the pain would hit me and take me out. Health, sanity, happiness.....they all take a hit when you have a spouse who is amoral and doesn't give a crap about you or your feelings.

[email protected], you and I are alot alike. Our stress takes it out on us physically... you with the health issues you're having and me with my arterial problems and recent illness. Our waywards have no clue the devastation they cause with their selfishness.

I'm in Vegas on business and instead of sleeping, I stayed up all night and played blackjack....not because I am a gambler but because I didn't want to go to sleep and think about my ex who I ran into yesterday. 

I know how you feel. 

It sucks.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I'm having a really bad day today, cant stop crying..
> 
> It's come out of nowhere, I feel utterly lost and everything seems so hopeless..
> 
> ...


Take that ride down the rollercoaster and hang on, but once it starts heading up try to really enjoy yourself. Hope you start to feel better though the day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now. I've been that way for the past couple of weeks. Back to not sleeping and crying uncontrollably. I started taking Ad's about 2 weeks ago. Hope they kick in soon. I wish I had good advice for you but I can't climb out of this right now. My sweet son still thinks his Dad is coming back and his Dad does nothing to discourage it. It makes me so angry because he is still with ow so he knows he can't come back. So selfish.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I can't sleep.. Just stewing it all over & over in my head.

I had to sit with my hand over my mouth tonight because I wasn't sure what would come out. I want to scream at him one minute and ask why the next.. 

Eugh.. I thought I was past all this 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Did you win?



bandit.45 said:


> It sucks.
> 
> Sucks the way it comes and goes. I would go days being OK and then wham!.... the pain would hit me and take me out. Health, sanity, happiness.....they all take a hit when you have a spouse who is amoral and doesn't give a crap about you or your feelings.
> 
> ...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No. Lost my ass. But it was fun anyway.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I can't sleep.. Just stewing it all over & over in my head.
> 
> I had to sit with my hand over my mouth tonight because I wasn't sure what would come out. I want to scream at him one minute and ask why the next..
> 
> ...


I ran into my wife this morning at the airport. I shot off one of my signature flippant remarks to her.

Know what? It really didn't make me feel better. But I told myself it did. Now I just feel like an ass because in a way I was letting her control me. 

You were right to keep silent. You're a stronger person than I am. Don't forget it.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I ran into my wife this morning at the airport. I shot off one of my signature flippant remarks to her.
> 
> Know what? It really didn't make me feel better. But I told myself it did. Now I just feel like an ass because in a way I was letting her control me.
> 
> You were right to keep silent. You're a stronger person than I am. Don't forget it.


I don't feel strong... I feel weak & needy
I know I'm focusing on the rejection too much.. self esteem issues have forced their way back.

I have to find a way out of this pit I'm wallowing in..


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

damn girl, sounds like someone needs to come out drinking with DOLLY!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Party at [email protected]'s house!!!

A nude party with goats and midgets and chocolate pudding Twister! 

Oh wait... she has a kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Party at [email protected]'s house!!!
> 
> A nude party with goats and midgets and chocolate pudding Twister!
> 
> ...


Hey...keep the shenanigans from your thread from spilling over into this one!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

it's ok, my kid is 16 she can babysit!!!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Party at [email protected]'s house!!!
> 
> A nude party with goats and midgets and chocolate pudding Twister!
> 
> ...


He's at work every night now till Sunday.. So it's a plan!! DD wouldn't mind a sleepover at her Nana's either...
I would love to see his face in the morning when he finds everyone naked & spent in the lounge... That would be priceless 

Maybe that would make the SOB move out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

or it might make him want to stay even longer 
best make the party at mine ha ha


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

We'll club your husband over the head and lock him in a closet with the goat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I don't feel strong... I feel weak & needy
> I know I'm focusing on the rejection too much.. self esteem issues have forced their way back.
> 
> I have to find a way out of this pit I'm wallowing in..


I find when rejection and self esteem come into play I tend to be thinking about whether or not I am going to find someone again not why my X left and rejected me.

Both of these are idealizing other people to make you have inner happiness, which is why they bring sad feelings. 

I know you know that already, but it really shows that you need to work on you and make yourself happy with you. All those thoughts do is bring you back to the long river of hopelessness.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Traggy said:


> I find when rejection and self esteem come into play I tend to be thinking about whether or not I am going to find someone again not why my X left and rejected me.
> 
> Both of these are idealizing other people to make you have inner happiness, which is why they bring sad feelings.
> 
> I know you know that already, but it really shows that you need to work on you and make yourself happy with you. All those thoughts do is bring you back to the long river of hopelessness.


You are so right, I know I need to work on my self esteem. I just don't know where to start.

For as long as I can remember he has controlled me, he has been jealous & possessive throughout our relationship. I have allowed him isolate me from my friends & family.

He has alienated anyone who saw him for what he really was because he made it impossible for me to have them in my life.

The only social life I have had is when we have gone out as a couple, or with his friends. But that stopped eventually because his friends all thought he was an a$$hole and used to tell him I was too good for him. We dont see them anymore.

I have managed to keep some friends, although they dont come round as he is such an a$$hole, same with my family. 

Weak huh?

I feel like an animal that has been kept in captivity, I dont want to stray too far from the security of my cage.. I know there is a big world out there, I don't know where to start. The possibilities are overwhelming.

It's especially ridiculous as I am able to be this stong, confident authoratitive woman at work..The private me is nothing like the professional me. I used to think the private me was the real one, now I'm not so sure. I know it's a confidence thing. I force myself to be confident at work. I have to be - they can smell fear!!

Because of the constant undermining of my confidence by the STBXH, I am left with some body concious issues that I allow to restrict me. If you tell someone something enough, they will believe it, as I now do. I'm finding it difficult to reverse the effects of the last 15 years (he became alot more hurtful when he met the troll)

So, I could do with some ideas... I need things that will get me fit, include socialising (not just with the opposite sex) ideally fit in with work, costs next to nothing & could possibly include my daughter...

I am my own worst enemy, but I am determined to become the woman I want to be


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Over here we have groups you can find online such as on meetups.com...I met some cool, extremely friendly people at a local group for divorcees. Start there...just aim to meet one or two other women and work on buikding a new friendship...invite them to lunch or coffee, or just go to events together. They often have ones that are child friendly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Hi 40

I've just got to reading your story and feel very much like I'm walking in your shoes as far as my feelings go

I notice you said you had trips to Blackpool. Are you still in the NW as that's my neck of the woods too ?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

YellowRoses said:


> Hi 40
> 
> I've just got to reading your story and feel very much like I'm walking in your shoes as far as my feelings go
> 
> I notice you said you had trips to Blackpool. Are you still in the NW as that's my neck of the woods too ?


Yeah. I'm a northern lass x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Somebody needs to help me, because I feel like I am being ripped in two.

Living together is torture, I*have to assume he is always lying, otherwise the alternative is I will get hurt again when he betrays my trust (again)
So she might as well be sat in the room with us. She is always here, gloating.

The constant reminder of her is now my emotional equivalent of self harm. I keep reminding myself of the hurt and opening up the wounds to remind myself not to let him hurt me again.*

I can't carry on like this.. I can't heal or move on and he is oblivious of how I feel. Everyone is. I just want the pain to stop. *I want my life back.

I'm terrified of the future, I'm terrified of being alone. It doesn't matter what people say I'm scared. This all feels so unfair. I don't want a divorce but I can't carry on like this either.*

I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm running out of options
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Divorce is never going to be easy. But being put through this emotional torture is not worth staying. I am thinking of you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Somebody needs to help me, because I feel like I am being ripped in two.
> 
> Living together is torture, I*have to assume he is always lying, otherwise the alternative is I will get hurt again when he betrays my trust (again)
> So she might as well be sat in the room with us. She is always here, gloating.
> ...


You just took the words out of my soul


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm sorry to see that you're feeling so bad this weekend, too, SO. It must be something in the air. I'm having a really dark weekend with contact with the OW shoved upon me all the time, too. 

I don't know what I can tell you. Sometimes life is really sh!tty and unfair, and it's totally fvcked up. We have to push on, though, for our kiddos. They deserve at least one good parent, and if we look at things with logic instead of emotion, we know we are the only ones that can be that for them. It's taking all I can do to write this to you, because I'm having a hard time believing it. I'm like you. I just want the pain to stop, and not just because I become numb to it. But because the sh!t stops happening. I personally don't think that's too much to ask, but apparently that's not my choice, or yours either. 

So, for now, keep posting here. You know we understand and we support you. H doesn't respect you. How could he be living right there with you and not see your pain? That shows that he doesn't deserve you. You shouldn't have to deal with someone like him. Keep focusing on how unhappy you are with him. You can't trust him, so for now, keep the anger going. It will help motivate you to want better for yourself. 

The hard part is that we will both be alone for awhile. But just having the guy in the house isn't really better. Being away from him will allow you to heal the wounds you already have without having him there to inflict new ones all the time. 

Sending you lots of hugs, my sister.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I'm sorry to see that you're feeling so bad this weekend, too, SO. It must be something in the air. I'm having a really dark weekend with contact with the OW shoved upon me all the time, too.
> 
> I don't know what I can tell you. Sometimes life is really sh!tty and unfair, and it's totally fvcked up. We have to push on, though, for our kiddos. They deserve at least one good parent, and if we look at things with logic instead of emotion, we know we are the only ones that can be that for them. It's taking all I can do to write this to you, because I'm having a hard time believing it. I'm like you. I just want the pain to stop, and not just because I become numb to it. But because the sh!t stops happening. I personally don't think that's too much to ask, but apparently that's not my choice, or yours either.
> 
> ...


hmm, sounds like good advice to be followed, right angel


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm trying the best I can, 2nd...i posted my weekend story in the private section. I just wish there was a happy ending in sight... for all of us.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I'm trying the best I can, 2nd...i posted my weekend story in the private section. I just wish there was a happy ending in sight... for all of us.


i know you are angel.
you will get there.
you will have your happy ending.
wish i was getting one right now


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

So I'm feeling better, been sick for a while but getting back on track..

My STBX has been pretty much the same, pretending nothing has changed, gaslighting... the usual (ugh)

Couple of days ago he announced he is going on a "stag do" today with one of his mates (who know nothing of our situation because he chooses not to tell them).. I could care less..

But as usual his cover story has more holes in it than a hookers tights!!! His mate isn't getting married for 3 months, the stag starts at 11am in the morning (but they are staying local) but he has no idea when he is coming home.. It will probably be late..

They are booked into a local restaurant for lunch? (really this mate is a scumbag just out of jail for drug dealing - he doesnt do restaurants!) Then they might(?) take a trip into the city. 

He has no idea where they are going or when he will be back.. 

Today, he leaves bright & early for his lunch date... new clothes on, freshly shaved.. 

Our daughter has been feeling under the weather, but has took a turn for the worse, he shrugs & says she'll be alright..

Just after he left, she come to me crying, her mouth is sore & her kidneys are aching..she has a rash all over her.. I realise she has scarlet fever.. She is going to need medical attention, so I ring the emergency doctor & try to comfort her.

I decide I shoule ring her Dad... but he's left his mobile here?! WTF?! So I ring the restaurant he is supposed to be meeting them at - he should be there by now, - they have no booking till later in the afternoon?!? 

I ring one of his friends - who he is supposed to be meeting, no he's not with me... Two minutes after I put the phone down he calls back from a witheld number... Oh no, erm they changed the venue we are at another Pub, not everyone is here yet..(yeah right!!)

I tell him about our daughter, that we are going to the hospital to get her seen to.. his reply? Oh she'll be ok...


Now, I don't care that he is with her, it's the lying I can't bear. 
I hate that he treats me like an idiot, I'd have so much more respect for him if he just said he was with her..But this is his M.O. when he gets caught out in a lie, he just keeps lying...

I also hate the absolute selfishness of him, I know its not a life & death situation but he has put his troll mistress ahead of our daughter today... that is unforgiveable

I have always said he is crap husband & a great dad, but now I'm not so sure...

Oh yeah and his best buddy, drug dealer scumbag?? He made a pass at me, a big one. He was chasing me round a friends house refusing to take no for an answer a couple of years ago.. What a good buddy he is eh??

Eugh... I'm so MAD!!!issed:

Why won't he just GO?????:banghead:


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

No words, just this (((())) and another for your daughter (((())) x x


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

oh god, he's such a f*cking TOOL
I mean why lie about it? It's so pathetic, what a damn :loser:
What are the next steps for you getting his ass out the door?


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I just had a mental image - me with my arm round you on the sofa 40 and Dolly in the chair opposite giving us what for 

Shall I open the wine ? x


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> oh god, he's such a f*cking TOOL
> I mean why lie about it? It's so pathetic, what a damn :loser:
> What are the next steps for you getting his ass out the door?


I have no idea.. Legally I can't prevent him entering the house as we are both joint owners. A few years back I changed the locks & he broke the door down. When I called the police they did nothing, just calmed him down but said they can't stop him breaking into his own house.. I don't want to put my daughter or myself for that matter through that kind of crap either. 

She wants him, she can have him & I have told her as much. I have no idea what line he is telling her but he is in no hurry to move out. 

I could scream!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

what's the situation with the divorce though? you can't live in limbo like this forever! you were selling the house at one point weren't you?
oh god I hate him, and I'm in the same country, it makes me want to come over there.....


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

what's the situation with the divorce though? you can't live in limbo like this forever! you were selling the house at one point weren't you?
oh god I hate him, and I'm in the same country, it makes me want to come over there.....


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> what's the situation with the divorce though? you can't live in limbo like this forever! you were selling the house at one point weren't you?
> oh god I hate him, and I'm in the same country, it makes me want to come over there.....


House is still on the market, had 3 viewings but no takers.. I haven't applied for the absolute yet cause I have been ill, doctor has advised me to avoid stress ( FFS!!!) so I have held off until I felt better.. Which I am now.. I don't think it will make any difference, only to wind me up more... 

You can't hate him any more than I do right now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Do you think the absolute will shift him ?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

YellowRoses said:


> Do you think the absolute will shift him ?


Nope, he's a complete c0ck..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

And I'm guessing he won't be man enough to buy you out ????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

What's his plan then ?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> And I'm guessing he won't be man enough to buy you out ????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You guess right.. He's got no money. He gets himself onto credit card debt & then I bail him out... Last time I did we had to re mortgage after I was made redundant. Now neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own, what really gets me is I have been subsidizing his affair.. God I feel such a fool!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

YellowRoses said:


> What's his plan then ?


Torture me until the house is sold.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

That really sucks


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

ooh bailing out a profilgate spender, that sounds familiar
so the only answer is to sell and split it
you can't live together when you're divorced, you just can't - still living with him is what's stopping you moving on
ugh I'm so sorry, I wish I could be more help

what does it say in the financial settlement?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> ooh bailing out a profilgate spender, that sounds familiar
> so the only answer is to sell and split it
> you can't live together when you're divorced, you just can't - still living with him is what's stopping you moving on
> ugh I'm so sorry, I wish I could be more help
> ...


Not alot.., he has no solicitor, refuses to see one. I want nothing from him. (he has nothing!) so I have asked for a 50/50 split on the equity. He hasn't asked for anything.. He's a [email protected]!! I'm not arsed about the contents, but I bought most of it anyway.. As for maintenance I'm going to the CSA, they can deal with him.. I have been copying his payslips and P60 so I can prove his income..

Eugh this is sh1t...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Ok... 

STBXH has just rung me from a witheld number asking if I can come and get him as he's stranded in the city?!?

Whatever loser!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Ok...
> 
> STBXH has just rung me from a witheld number asking if I can come and get him as he's stranded in the city?!?
> 
> ...


Let the POS walk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Let the POS walk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have done... If he thinks I am getting my daughter out of bed & into the car to drive 30minutes to pick him up because he has had a fight with his troll mistress, he is even more delusional than I thought...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

cheeky f*cker!!!! tell him to phone his OW and get her mum and dad to pick him up!!!!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Ok...
> 
> STBXH has just rung me from a witheld number asking if I can come and get him as he's stranded in the city?!?
> 
> ...


*excuse me while i pick my jaw up off the floor*

What audacity!!!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> cheeky f*cker!!!! tell him to phone his OW and get her mum and dad to pick him up!!!!


I know... There are no words.. 

He's so self centred it's like no-one else exists, anywhere, ever. 

I'm also torn, on the one hand I am delighted they have fallen out ( he turns into an even bigger w4nker when he is drunk). I do hope it was some sort of family function and he has made a wholly fool of himself & her family... 

On the other hand it means he will be sticking around so he can continue gaslighting & p1ssing me off for longer.. 

Whatever.. Might go to bed so I don't have to deal with him when he does get back.. He'll be a nightmare if he is as drunk as I suspect..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> *excuse me while i pick my jaw up off the floor*
> 
> What audacity!!!


I know... Unbelievable isn't he? I have no more expletives to describe him!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I've a few left 40, been launching them at my tosspot this week


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

YellowRoses said:


> I've a few left 40, been launching them at my tosspot this week


Tosspot, that's a good one..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

total and utter f*ckwittery being displayed


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Hope he's walking and his best shoes are rubbing

Un - bloody - believable


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

He's home, mouthing off about how long it's took him to come home. Made enough noise so I went downstairs. He's waffling on about god knows what, then produces a bag of drugs & asks me if I want some?!? 
He then vanishes upstairs saying he is going to the bathroom, only to re appear stark b0llock naked!! 
I MEAN WTF?!?
I just laughed and said, I was going to bed.. 
I ran upstairs & now I am sat behind the door in case he decides to follow me.. 

OMG, I'm crying.. Who is this man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Can you go anywhere? If he has drugs call the cops on his sorry ass. He's endangering your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Yes please call the police...enough is enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

SO seriously darling, you can't live like this any more
get the hell away from this guy, he's a danger to you and a danger to your daughter
I suspect you aren't going to call the police on him but you have to do something!!! I know you feel trapped but there must be somewhere you can go??


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm concerned. What has happened??


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't know but if she lived in London I'd tell her to get her ass over to my house and I'm not joking 
I've got a lot to say about my ex but he would never behave like this, ever - this guy is totally unstable


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I know...I hate when things like this happen and we can't DO anything....


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

MyselfAgain said:


> I'm concerned. What has happened??


I'm ok... I feel like i paniked a bit, I've barricaded the door with a chest of drawers.. Bit overdramatic but still.. 
He's been up here a couple of times but not said or done anything.. Just stood thre as far as I can tell..
I must have dozed off, but now I can't hear anything so I can only assume he's passed out or off his face or gone to bed.

Either way I'm not leaving this room till the morning. I'll sort him out then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Goodness, SO...I hope you are going to get some help and not deal with this on your own. You should never feel unsafe in your own home.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

MyselfAgain said:


> Goodness, SO...I hope you are going to get some help and not deal with this on your own. You should never feel unsafe in your own home.


Yeah.. That was scary.. He won't remember any if it in the morning, but it's not the point..

I'm going to try & get some sleep... God knows I need it 

Thanks guys for the support xxxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

If he doesn't remember it makes it even worse - he has a serious substance misuse problem and nothing will change until he sorts it
hope you can get some sleep love, be safe 
xxx


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Youve got battered wife syndrome [email protected] Too scared to leave him and unsure of where to go. 

Next time he does this get your daughter out of there and go to a shelter.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I think you have a point there Bandit..

One thing this weekend has taught me, I have no feelings left for him. 

I have booked in to see my solicitor..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

40, I am less than 20 miles away and have a spare room - never feel you have nowhere to go x


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm having a bad day... It came out of no-where,..
I feel really overwhelmed by it all..

I'm sat upstairs next to my gorgeous sleeping girl, trying to cry silently..

I don't want to give that nobhead downstairs the satisfaction of knowing he is getting to me..

MEH :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm right there with you today. So sorry. Don't give him the satisfaction. I keep slipping up in front of stbx and get so mad at myself. He sees me cry over him then goes to her. His ego is probably the size of Europe.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm so f'in mad right now...

I've posted another picture of my PoS Ex & his cross eyed troll if anyone wants a look.. this should expleain everything..

Solicitors tomorrow.. they had better have some good news or I am likely to do someone some damage...issed:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, sweetie, what an absolute dewshbag (the real spelling is censored?!). His eyes are so dead -- there's just nothing there. I'm so sorry. I'm just livid for you. How horrible to be held in this lie of a life. I really hope you get good news tomorrow. I hope you can leave him penniless, lying naked in the gutter like the trash he is. :FIREdevil:


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Angel.. I'm just so sick of the lies...:banghead:

I wish he would just grow a pair & admit it, then we could sort all of this mess out..

Instead his family think I am paranoid & deluional and keep pushing us to get back together, he STILL refuses to leave and I am living in this parallel universe where everyone thinks I am in the wrong for divorcing him?!?

How can they still believe him???

Hell - he's even lying to his friends... I was told last night at a one friends wedding, by a mutual friend's wife that I was a lucky woman to have such a loving and attentive husband...and that I needed to hang on to him!!!!???

I was that shocked & angry she actually took my breath away..

I had to grab my little girl & leave as I started crying uncontrollably, not from sadness but out of sheer anger and bloody frustration..

I think I might well be going mad issed:


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Honey, I'm so sorry that you're living this nightmare. I'm super glad that you're posting again though. I'm praying that things go well tomorrow. You deserve to have some peace in your life.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Have you shown these photos to his family? How on earth would they explain them? He is really, really sick. That explains his dead eyes. 

You are not going mad, but you have every right to be angry beyond belief. You need to keep trying to expose him. At this point, I'd be really tempted to print a sheet of those photos of him & her, and esp the one of him w/ her family, and mail them out to his family, his employer, and all of his friends. And tell them all to leave you alone. You know what you've got and it is not something you want to hang on to.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Hey SO, haven't seen you in ages, can't believe you haven't managed to get rid of the deadweight yet 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Have you shown these photos to his family? How on earth would they explain them? He is really, really sick. That explains his dead eyes.
> 
> You are not going mad, but you have every right to be angry beyond belief. You need to keep trying to expose him. At this point, I'd be really tempted to print a sheet of those photos of him & her, and esp the one of him w/ her family, and mail them out to his family, his employer, and all of his friends. And tell them all to leave you alone. You know what you've got and it is not something you want to hang on to.


:iagree:


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

They've seen the pictures, but he's told them she is responsible for all of it, they are photoshopped etc etc.. He's made her out to be some kind of stalker bunny boiler.. Tey don't want to believe he can look them in the eye & lie like that, so I'm left feeling isolated for believing it?!?

He's obviously told her some pack of lies about what I'll do if their affair is exposed (probably to do with our daughter) because I even tried to get her to expose the affair.. I mean she must be tired of the lies & sneaking around right? I wrote to her telling her, she could have him & there was no reason he could not move out as I had no desire to keep them apart anymore..I also told her just what he is saying to his family about her and sent her prints of the many texts he had sent as proof.. but she is keeping her head down so as not to upset him?

Nobody seems to believe me... Or if they do they are ignoring it?? Its so infuriating..

Whenever I expose it he goes along & lies his way back out of it again.. It all seems so pointless.. Just what does he want from me??

I've almost totally emotionally detatched fom him now, although from the outside we look like a normal family.. beind closed doors this is mental torture!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, his family sounds like they're not really in their rights minds, either. And I wonder if the troll isn't being abused, too, and that's why she's going along with him. I'm not familiar with the divorce laws there, so I'll leave that kind of advice to Dolly and YR. Is there anything you can do to get an injunction to keep him out of your house and away from your daughter?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Is there anything you can do to get an injunction to keep him out of your house and away from your daughter?


Nope.. been down that road with the solicitor already, he would have to have been violent, I would have to have called the police & had him arrested.. Unfortunately he is not that stupid to lose his temper.. and I wouldn't want my DD to see that anyway..


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

What does he bloody want ? 2 wives/families ?

Oh 40, wish I had some advice - you must think the lunatics have taken over your asylum. Those 'family' pics are seriously freaky.

Maybe the troll will get fed up soon and demand to be out in the open ?

So sorry (((())))


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

....he sounds just plan mad crazy...wtf is all I have been thinking reading your updates...is he serious? I dont understand how he can be that good of a liar that everyone believes him over you when you have SOLID PROOF!! How can anyone deny pictures?? 

I"m so sorry you have to deal with this @sshat. I hope things get better soon. I can't even imagine the anxiety and stress you are putting yourself through every day b/c of his selfishness!!!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I heard the Shaggy track "it wasn't me" on the way to the solicitors this morning.. I had to laugh or else I would have cried all the way there..

Anyway upshot is the divorce is on hold till the house is sold or he will get half my pension by way of my half of the equity in the house. Solicitor said she has done this before, waited till they have cold hard cash in his hand and then filed for full & final settlement.. She thinks he is more likely to take the money & run at that point, especially as he has still not retained any legal council?!?

She said she has never known a situation like mine in respect if him denying & refusing to leave, she thinks he is trying to mess with my mental state to break me down into submission.. Although there is only circumstantial evidence of that & not enough to go to court with.. Even if I did the cost would be prohibitive!!

She suggested I go out, pick up a guy, take him home & [email protected]*k him on the living room floor, said maybe that would get him out!! 

She has a point! He once said I would be " damaged goods" as far as he is concerned if I ever went with anyone else, hypocritical much?

So I suppose until I get the confidence to be with someone else or the house sells this is my own personal nightmare...

WOOPIE DOO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, SO, that is horrible!! Not that you couldn't find someone, you are definitely very pretty and sweet, but it shouldn't be just so you can get rid of a cheating bassturd of a husband. How long has your house been on the market?


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Oh 40, im just getting caught up... what a total asshat! Have you ever thought of getting "real" proof ( since the pics are not enough) and then take him to court, like using voice recorder or tracking what he is doing on the computer?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Excellent idea, Unsure!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Oh, SO, that is horrible!! Not that you couldn't find someone, you are definitely very pretty and sweet, but it shouldn't be just so you can get rid of a cheating bassturd of a husband. How long has your house been on the market?


Since March & we have had 3 viewings...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Oh 40, im just getting caught up... what a total asshat! Have you ever thought of getting "real" proof ( since the pics are not enough) and then take him to court, like using voice recorder or tracking what he is doing on the computer?


Oh I've thought about it, problem is hes a real IT kinda guy, so I think he would find it. He has a second phone he uses to speak to her (she works for a mobile phone company & told me about it via text) which he never seems to bring home.. Or keeps hidden very well. From what I can tell they meet at her house.. I can't get within 2 feet of his car without him asking "what you doing?" 

I've looked into a PI but the cost is again ridiculous and the privacy laws in the UK mean it would be inadmissible in court!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

.....i don't know, 40...who cares if he is in IT. This crap ain't worth it. Get the VAR in his car, h3ll rummage through his car. Might be where that phone is. "What are you doing?" He asks?? Tell him to screw off and that you will do whatever you want to his things. Then tell him if he doesn't like it to get the F* out!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Can you get into his car when he's asleep or passed out drunk?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm just catching up on your posts now. I am so sorry to hear all this has been going on. Your stbx is a real nutcase! Does your daughter see any of these outbursts? Poor thing. I hope your divorce goes through soon. 

I'm wondering, once your divorce is granted, will he leave the you alone? I have a feeling that he will forever harass you.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I'm just catching up on your posts now. I am so sorry to hear all this has been going on. Your stbx is a real nutcase! Does your daughter see any of these outbursts? Poor thing. I hope your divorce goes through soon.
> 
> I'm wondering, once your divorce is granted, will he leave the you alone? I have a feeling that he will forever harass you.


Do you know, I think so too.. I've got a horrible feeling this is just the beginning... Luckily he is relatively normal in front of our daughter, which is great but infuriating as everyone thinks he is a great guy & model dad. UGH..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Do you know, I think so too.. I've got a horrible feeling this is just the beginning... Luckily he is relatively normal in front of our daughter, which is great but infuriating as *everyone thinks he is a great guy & model dad*. UGH..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Time will reveal itself. Everyone thought that my STBXH was the perfect guy, husband, dad, son etc. I was always baffled at why people couldn't see the truth! It wasn't until lately that people are starting to see the real him. So hang in there, those people who thinks highly of your husband will soon see the light.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together - YouTube

issed::cussing::banghead:


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

what's going down SO?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

What's going on 40?


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

so.. thought I'd check in.. I've been keeping my head down trying to get through this mess with some sanity in tact.. huh some hope..

I've had a couple of health issues too which haven't exactly helped. Doc thought there was something wrong with my heart (er you think??) but luckily tests all came back good.. seems like it has been some kind of bacterial infection I have picked up been making me dizzy & nauseous.. I've lost some weight though so thts a bonus! 

Anyhow, nothing much changed here.. He' still having an affair with the troll.. still denying it - so its gone deep underground :cussing:

I'm being as nice as I can be cause it's confusing the hell out of him & avoidng him as much as I can. (which is not easy in a 3 bed semi-detatched I can tell you) 

He's spending money like its going out of fashion & getting himself into debt & I am letting him. He went out & bought himself an SUV on HP.. £320 month!! WTF??? Someone who cant afford to move out because he cant afford to pay rent?? WHATEVER!!

For years I have been the voice of reason nd sensible for both of us - but not any more- you are on your own bud!!! Lets see if the troll can bail your ass out to the tune of £30k next time??

I'm having good days occationally,:smthumbup: but the dark days seem darker somehow.. Had another viewing on the house but still no sale, think I'm gonna change estate agents after Christmas.

I'm still hanging around here on TAM, but I feel like I've got nothing to add, I'm stuck treading water & all you guys seem to be moving along so well.. I'm a bit jealous  or maybe embarrassed??

Anyhow.. thats where I'm at..

Hope everyone is ok? x


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Thanks for the update, SO. I think you've made a lot of progress emotionally. You seem a lot stronger to me 

Hope you see some progress on the house and get well soon.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Ok, so I'm feeling really p'eed off today.. I know he is still seeing her, so why do I give a crap? I'm soooo angry right now I am livid!! Why, after all this time do I care? I think I'm just angry because he won't admit it & is still pretending he wants us to be together. I mean why can't he just be honest? Is it just the injustice that is getting under my skin? I hate the bare faced lie of it all. I want him to just be honest. Yes I have a mistress, no I won't give her up. I want him to accept that I don't want to be in a marriage with 3 people. 

I'm angry at the broken promises over the years, Im angry we didn't have another child (like I'd hoped) because he was more worried about what it would do to his relationship with her than the impact of being an only child on our daughter or even me. I'm the one who has to deal with her asking when she can have a brother or sister to play with. How she begs me to think about it and that she promises to help out with the baby & be a good girl. It's me who cries when she wishes for a brother or sister when she blows out a candle. Me who smarts when it's the first thing on her letter to Santa.. But it's ok.. His mistress hasn't had to deal with me getting pregnant again..

Aaaarrrrggghhhh I want to throw myself on the ground & scream and stamp and pound my fists into the floor, I'm soo mad.

But why now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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