# DDay Anniversary: Thank You TAMers



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

3 years ago today my life as I knew it ended. I found this community, got a lot of insight, made a few mistakes anyway, went through the rocky road of attempting R throughout 9 months of MC and IC, and ultimately decided I couldn't do it. Moved out, went through that hell, but emerging slowly. Had to stop visiting TAM to stop wallowing in it all, and have been in limbo ever since, although I am on the slow road to formal S or D "soon".

Nevertheless, I wanted to take moment on my DDay anniversary to shout out a thanks to the "old-timer" people that may still be here that offered experience, a kind word, their own perspectives, disagreement or endorsement, and sometimes just commiserating and sharing in the pain -- and just say "thank you". You all helped me tremendously, as only those of us in The Club We Don't Want To Belong To can understand and appreciate.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Did you guys fully divorce? What did you ever do about OM?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I remember you 2XL. I don't know that I posted in your threads but I'm glad you found assistance. TAM is a great forum for support and getting advice from multiple directions.

My D-Day Anniversary is this month too. 7 Years removed from that train wreck of a day.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Do something positive for yourself today. It sucks to have these kind of anniversaries


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

happi_g_more2 said:


> Did you guys fully divorce? What did you ever do about OM?


Not yet divorced, really just re-starting the process now from scratch, hopefully with less venom and more amicably.

I have taken TAMer advice and at least reserved the OM's ultimate demise for another time. Yes he was exposed, I was told they were splitting up too but don't know what actually ever happened. After camping out on his doorstep for 2 full nights and him never actually pulling in to the driveway, I decided to stop wasting my time chasing him, at least fir a while and/or until my child is grown and capable of taking care of himself. Hopefully by then I won't care at all and can let it go.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> I remember you 2XL. I don't know that I posted in your threads but I'm glad you found assistance. TAM is a great forum for support and getting advice from multiple directions.
> 
> My D-Day Anniversary is this month too. 7 Years removed from that train wreck of a day.


Amplexor, I can readily promise you, your contributions here helped me whether they were direct to me or not, and I thank you for it all.

A real issue with "DDay" is that it's so rarely just a single day... trickle-truth revelations make it more like DMonth at the very least... :-( sad but true as we all learn.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I remember you too, 2X.

We have the exact same DDay. Mine is also today, 3 years ago.

We are in R. Issues still remain, but life is okay.

Good luck in your journey to end your relationship and find peace.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Do ya know, I think my DDay was 3 years ago today too! I know I was given a false DDay a week before so I get mixed up, but I think today was the day of the real one. I remember it being a Thursday right at the beginning of May. The 5th also seems right. I just looked, and yes, today 3 years ago was a Thursday! Stayed up all night drinking and crying. Had to get the kids off to school the next morning...pissed! My god! What a sh1t long roller coaster it's been. Why did I bother!!!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

blimey, you too Gabriel! 

May the fifth be with you!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A year before I joined TAM.

But it's good to hear stories of how TAM has helped people. It's certainly helped me.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

"Anniversary " coming up soon. I dread it. Wedding Anniversary comes soon too - dread that too. Still in R. WH has this thing buried real deep, but for me it is a daily struggle. If they only knew how much damage they have caused.....

Maybe engaged couples should be required to read TAM for a month before they can get a marriage license, then there would be less divorces and heartache in the world!!!

My biggest regret is not finding TAM sooner. I would have handled the initial stages much differently. Thank you to all who are brave enough to post and share their experiences and make us all feel a little less alone out here.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Remains said:


> blimey, you too Gabriel!
> 
> May the fifth be with you!


That is Nuts!! Three of us on the same day - must have been a cosmic disturbance.

Yep - Thursday night, almost midnight - checking email. At a luxurious Las Vegas hotel during a business conference. Vegas will never be the same.

Stayed up the whole night - was completely malfunctioned at the conference Friday. Flew home Friday night. 

But actually, I don't feel anything with the anniversary this year. In fact, I sufficiently plowed my wife this morning.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

still so sad said:


> "Anniversary " coming up soon. I dread it. Wedding Anniversary comes soon too - dread that too. Still in R. WH has this thing buried real deep, but for me it is a daily struggle. If they only knew how much damage they have caused.....
> 
> Maybe engaged couples should be required to read TAM for a month before they can get a marriage license, then there would be less divorces and heartache in the world!!!
> 
> My biggest regret is not finding TAM sooner. I would have handled the initial stages much differently. Thank you to all who are brave enough to post and share their experiences and make us all feel a little less alone out here.


I wish I had found TAM before I confronted my wife, it would have been so much better. Tell him DDay is an issue for you as well as your wedding anniversary. It took a few years for these days not to be an issue for me. Take a deep breath and you will get through these days


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Gabriel said:


> But actually, I don't feel anything with the anniversary this year. In fact, I sufficiently plowed my wife this morning.


:smthumbup:


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

2xloser, first let me tell you that you are not a loser, sometimes we fell in bad habits that let us to make bad choices, I am refering with this that maybe your problem resides in failing to identify (or myabe you are ignoring) red flags regarding women (as being women with validation issues, bad boundaries, low selfsteem), I read you whole story and your wife have many factors in her backgorund that make her fall in the red flag category, while it sounds cruel descarting a person as partner for issues that maybe were out of their control at the time, every human being have the right to protect him/herself from being hurt in the future and more if that person already had negative experiences in his/her past.

your case is not that weird there are omany users here that have been betrayed 2 times for different wives, once that come strongly to my mind is ther user "clairesDad", he is a good man that like yourself also was betrayed for his first and second wife, he is a good father a good human being that even care for the welfare of their stepchilds of his cheating wife, but the problem is that it does not matter how good of a human being you are if you ignore red flags you can easily end burn.

In his case he revealed that he knew his second wife had cheated on other partners in the past (in fact I believe that was the cause of her first divorce) and he knew she had validation issues and was flirty with men, he decided to ignore all these red flags and married her and well, unfortunatly more often than not people will act like his/her bahaviour patterns indicate regarding these red flags.

I hope you don't close the doors to seek a relationship with a good woman, just don't ignore red flags.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Thank you, manticore. 
But truthfully, I dunno... time will tell.
One thing I learned from TAM: the only thing I really DO know, is that I DON'T know, especially when it comes to the future.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I remember you too, 2x loser. And 2x loser your not. I can relate real well with limbo, not a fun place to be, my dday follows this month too, and it will be 3 yrs also. 

I remember so very well where I was 3 yr ago this month. So scared, so frighten, crying, unsure, wanting everything to go away, to turn back, to go away. It's been a long 3 yrs, life still isnt "normal," and may never be, but with the support of others, and the TAM community, it's made it a bit more bearable. I too wished I had found TAM sooner. 


Good luck, 2x loser, ((not))...you deserve to have someone love you the way we all believe it should be.... 

~ sammy


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why did your reconcilliation fail? I think the answer to that could help a lot of people.

Good luck and hope the future turns out great.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Why did your reconcilliation fail? I think the answer to that could help a lot of people.
> 
> Good luck and hope the future turns out great.


Sorry for the delay in replying...

I don't actually look at it like it "failed"... I think, for me on a personal basis, it just wasn't going to ever happen -- what she had done was a deal-breaker for me, no matter how much I wanted my family and my life. I just couldn't do it, as much as I tried; as much as she tried. She really did everything "right" once we got through trickle truth discovery and settled on trying to reconcile... but I just could not get past it eating at me that this person was not who I'd given her credit for being. I could not stop the mind movies, could not stop the triggers (of which SHE was one, actually), could not see myself truly at peace and content in my home life with her. I envisioned myself getting truly sick -- would she be there for me? Would I believe her to be? and it was very telling how my deep-rooted trust in her was gone. 

What is 'funny' is that in the moment of DDay admission, I *knew* this was so, as much as I couldn't believe it -- and yet, despite the fact that I had always said it was a deal-breaker, I actually stayed and tried to make it work anyway. Sometimes you just know yourself inside, really know, and cannot deny that. But for a child, you will try anything... I coukd have stayed and led a pretty normal life. It would have been OK. Maybe we would have even grown somewhat together. But deep down, it would always be there for me, and I'd never be the same. And frankly, I resented that, and the doubt that would now always be there. 

Please know that I think Reconciliation CAN happen, and wish it could have for me. I just also think that for some, like me, it just isn't going to, it can't and won't no matter how much counseling, talking, and corrective action from the WS takes place. Something sacred inside the BS breaks, and it is gone forever. I actually wish that were not true for me, but in the end, despite my wishes, I had to admit what was inside of me was there and leave. I could have saved myself a lot of time, money, tears, sleepless nights, and angst by recognizing my true inner self, but had to work through the process to get there, and I always said that if I were going to leave, I needed to be able to look into the mirror and be able to say "I tried".


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

very sad but totally within your right to do so, no one should have to live like that.....and even sadder for me because 1 yr into R thats somewhat how i feel, like you....


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

please let go of your venom for the OM----HE DESERVES IT----but you do not need to get into the problems that would face you, if you wasted him, in any way shape or form

The blame really does lie with your so called wife---it takes 2 to tango---no matter how things went down---SHE KNEW SHE HAD A CHILD AND H AT HOME---who depended on her----in all truth whether you like it or not---SHE IS THE REAL VILLAN HERE---SHE DID NOT PROTECT HER MGE

OM---he is a piece of sh*t---but not worth messing up your own life over

Be good---the sun will come up manana---and you will be a winner


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

CantBelieveThis- 
Ouch. I am sorry for you to be feeling that way. 
I *knew* that 1,2,3,5,10 years down the road, I'd be feeling it, and it would not go away; it would fester inside of me, eat at me... and no amount of talking about it would make it go away. It was there, it happened, it could not be taken away. She simply didn't love me enough NOT to do it, or to STOP doing it once she supposedly realized her "mistake". So my choice was to not be with her anymore. It was the choice that felt right for me, not for everyone. But I always say to anyone I speak with about this subject: everything is a choice. Every day, every action related to your marriage is a choice. How to behave, how to communicate, where to be, what to do or not do...

I hope you get to choices that work for you... and I don't mean "leave"; maybe MC or IC to help you out through a tough period? Because doing nothing is allowing a bad thing to take root which can only manifest itself in bad ways.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

jnj express said:


> please let go of your venom for the OM----HE DESERVES IT----but you do not need to get into the problems that would face you, if you wasted him, in any way shape or form
> 
> The blame really does lie with your so called wife---it takes 2 to tango---no matter how things went down---SHE KNEW SHE HAD A CHILD AND H AT HOME---who depended on her----in all truth whether you like it or not---SHE IS THE REAL VILLAN HERE---SHE DID NOT PROTECT HER MGE
> 
> ...


 jnj, I think you gave me this very same advice 3 years ago, and it really did resonate at the time, might have kept me from a very big mistake. I thank you for it.

Over long-term, time will tell.


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