# He's confused???



## steph78 (Jun 2, 2011)

Ok, i really need some honest guy answers...
CURRENTLY:
My husband and I of 5 years are currently seperated (going on 3 wks) b/c after I caught him "sexting" someone and found out that he was on adult friend finder website I confronted him. Not with anger, but I just can't understand why he does it when it is so hurtful. This is the first time he has ever joined a website that I know of, however, this is the 3rd time he has excessively talked with other women inappropriately. 
A LITTLE HISTORY, 
he was a 28 year old bachelor (no kiddos) and I was a divorced single mother of 1 (had been divorced for 5 years). We met online (not on a dating site, just a random encounter) and I got pregnant 8 months later. We decided to get married. 
We had our son and then 13 months after we had another son. 
TO THE POINT:
When we seperated he said that he felt it would be the best thing for us to do at this point even if its only temporary and that he needed time to think. We have talked about things once since then (besides bills, banking, kids, ect) and he said that he is confused. When I asked him about what he said that he is not sure how he feels about the way things are and that he is relieved that some stress is gone but misses me and the kids. I told him I understood and asked what he wanted now in broad terms for our relationship. He said that he honestly wasn't sure. He said that he wasn't ready to get married when we did and that he felt like i was someone that he could marry and be happy with but he doesn't know when the right time would have been, if ever. When I asked about what he meant by "if ever" he said if ever him. He said marriage is difficult for him and he doesn't understand why. He said that he has considered divorce and he has thought about how it would affect me, him, and especially the kids, but he doesn't know what to do. He thinks divorce would make it easier for him and when I ask how he said that he didn't want to sound like an a-hole or that he doesn't care. He said it's hard to explain but he wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and for the most part without hoaving to get permission to do it. He reminded me that he was 28 before we got married and that was a long time of being on your own and he doesn't think he can ever change the desire to be on his own. He said he is not a social person and that he doesn't always want to be around someone at home.
I am so hurt and disoriented right now, I want to support him, but I need some help understanding all of this. I know there are more things that we are going to have to work through if we stay together (like the website stuff), but right now I just need some advice on what to do about this situation.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is what he is confused about:

Whether or not he still wants you for a partner. Something is missing, or something has fled the relationship - which in turn means that it is highly likely that another part of his 'confusion' is that he has feelings for another woman.

Don't bother to ask. He'll deny it. They all do, whether male or female.

Ask him what he wants from a relationship. Not YOUR relationship ... A relationship. You should be able to get a sense of where the two of you stand based on that.


----------



## steph78 (Jun 2, 2011)

That's the problem- i am not sure he wants ANY relationship. I think he is happy with himself, by himself and let's face it there is a great high in meeting new people and having new experiences with them. 
I thought that since he had been single for such a time and been out there in the field, that he wouldn't resent "missing out" on stuff. Instead, he thinks he wants that life back? why? because it's easier-that to me is a cowardly way of saying "you and my family aren't worth my efforts."
I know that i am biased in all of this, but i want to scream at the reality of it all.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

So you know where he stands. 
Given that, where do you stand? 
Hopefully not as his doormat to come and go as he pleases, or to have him take his time "deciding what he wants". He's told you. 
Sorry to be a little harsh, but I don't know why you'd stick around or support him beoyond what is necessary for the kids. He's already decided what he doesn't want, and it's you and your family. 
Also, I agree with Deejo, high, high likelihood there's another woman in play. It's 180 time, but likely he'll choose to stay away. Damn shame; I'm sorry for you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

steph78 said:


> A LITTLE HISTORY,
> We met online (not on a dating site, just a random encounter)


Please elaborate. How did you meet. What does "random encounter" mean?



steph78 said:


> That's the problem- i am not sure he wants ANY relationship. Instead, he thinks he wants that life back? why? because it's easier-that to me is a cowardly way of saying "you and my family aren't worth my efforts."


Precisely. So ask him if he is fully committed to you and the marriage or not. If he isn't or gives you a wishy washy answer, you know what the score is.

He is probably seeing someone else or just doesn't want to be married anymore so he can play freely. 

Sorry.

Ohand DO get tested for STDs.


----------

