# My wife's emotional affair. HELP!



## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site and thought I would try it out. My wife and I were separated last year at this time. We are back together but started having problems again about 2 1/2 months ago. Last year she started texting and being secretive with her phone. Ringer off and face down. I checked the records and found out she was texting all day and night with two separate guys. She went out to meet them and lied about who she was with and where she was. I let these actions go without saying anything to her or that I knew anything. We eventually got back together and things have been great utill about 2-1/2 months ago. I started seeing the same signs again. This time with two different guys. One is a high school friend that lives in another state. The other is local. Again I have been lied to where she was or who she was with. I have seen MANY things that do not make me feel to good. I am very confused about this and don't know what to do. 
Thanks


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> She went out to meet them and lied about who she was with and where she was. *I let these actions go without saying anything to her or that I knew anything.*


I would understand if you did that but still kept your guard up. But you did... nothing? Why?



> Again I have been lied to where she was or who she was with. I have seen MANY things that do not make me feel to good. I am very confused about this and don't know what to do.


You're letting her get away, and she's getting away alright. And you're just watching... might as well collect all the info you can then take her straight to court because frankly -> that's where it's headed my friend. Unless of course you want to continue being cuckolded.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You shouldnt have let it go the first time. Now its happening again because she thinks she got away with it the first time.

You need to get proof of what she's doing and confront her. 

She will keep doing it as long as you are clueless!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Secret texting with two different guys.

Secret meetings with guys.

Lies and hides all of this.

Many other things that bother you.

What are you confused about? Your wife is having EAs with at least two guys that you know about and is most likely well on her way to a PA with the local guy if not already there.

Are you tracking her movements? Do you have a VAR in the house or in the car or both?

If you are hesitant to confront without proof, then it is time to go detective and find the proof you need.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> You shouldnt have let it go the first time. Now its happening again because she thinks she got away with it the first time.
> 
> You need to get proof of what she's doing and confront her.
> 
> She will keep doing it as long as you are clueless!


The only proof I have is the phone bill. I have seen facebook messages and random texts. I have enough proof to confront her. I do not have the texts and messages printed though.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Confused,

am sure you've seen this before here on the CWI forum. Get hard copies of all proof before you confront

Var in car
Keylogger on PC

Good luck


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Confused,
> 
> am sure you've seen this before here on the CWI forum. Get hard copies of all proof before you confront
> 
> ...


How can I do that. The texts that I saw are gone and the Facebook messages might still be their. Not sure if I will be able to get copies of that. Really the only thing with copies is the phone records. Is there anything else I can do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

After last year's episode, which apparenly had no consequences for your wife you don't need any more "proof" unless there are legal reasons for having it.

The fact that she has no respect for her vows is enough. She made a vow to forsake all others. Well, she didn't forsake the two last year - and appears to be forsaking you now.

How many years are you willing to be a warden in your marriage?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> How can I do that. The texts that I saw are gone and the Facebook messages might still be their. Not sure if I will be able to get copies of that. Really the only thing with copies is the phone records. Is there anything else I can do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is still communicating with them now. The messages now will be more damning than the ones you saw. She probably is talking to them on the phone as well.

Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of her car. Give it a week. You will probably have your evidence. She has been meeting the local guy in person? What about the out of state guy? Two and a half months is a long time. That is from when you noticed it, chances are it was going on a little while before that.

Have you looked at the phone records? What is the frequency, length, and times of day of their calls and texts?

Why do you think she would want to meet up with these guys? What can she do in person that she couldn't do via text or phone?


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## halojereme (Dec 18, 2012)

You need to get proof of what she's doing and confront her.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> She went out to meet them and lied about who she was with and where she was.


She went to meet them and have sex with them. 

EA means Emotional Affair

PA means Physical Affair. 

I think you have the terms mixed up.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> She is still communicating with them now. The messages now will be more damning than the ones you saw. She probably is talking to them on the phone as well.
> 
> Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of her car. Give it a week. You will probably have your evidence. She has been meeting the local guy in person? What about the out of state guy? Two and a half months is a long time. That is from when you noticed it, chances are it was going on a little while before that.
> 
> ...


All valid points. I know that she met the local guy at least once. I'm sure more though. My wife is home all day sooooooo many other oppurtunities might have come up. She talks with the local guy about twice a day. once at 7am and once later. the longest convo has been 10 min. most have been 3-5 mins. Last night a resrticted call came though on here phone and she did not answer it. That comes up 99999999 on the phone bill. That number recently started showing up. I am assuming it's the same local guy. He has a business and most resrict their #. I have plenty of evidence to go to her about all of this. Pissed off about the amount of disrespect.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The calls are short because it's just to let him/them know it's safe to come visit her.

You completely swept last years affair under the rug and it seems she had zero consequences. No wonder she's back in the saddle. You handed her the reins.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> All valid points. I know that she met the local guy at least once. I'm sure more though. My wife is home all day sooooooo many other oppurtunities might have come up. She talks with the local guy about twice a day. once at 7am and once later. the longest convo has been 10 min. most have been 3-5 mins. Last night a resrticted call came though on here phone and she did not answer it. That comes up 99999999 on the phone bill. That number recently started showing up. I am assuming it's the same local guy. He has a business and most resrict their #. I have plenty of evidence to go to her about all of this. Pissed off about the amount of disrespect.


My guess is that she's already screwing local guy. Sorry. Doesn't need to talk to him much.

The VAR in the car might not be enough if your wife is home all day. Maybe put one in the house where she is likely to talk, also.

You're right, you don't need more evidence to KNOW what you KNOW. You can confront now, tell her that you're not interested in playing a game of cat and mouse, she can either cut out the cheating and work on the marriage or get divorced. As long as you're prepared to do it. 

I detect the fear in your post, you're worried if you confront she'll leave. From what you've posted, that seems a distinct possibility. I just don't understand what it is you're afraid of losing. A wife who keeps cheating on you?

One other thing, if she was so unhappy last year, and now she's so unhappy again, then why is she still with you? You must offer something?

I think you've got to start mentally preparing yourself for a life without her. You can't control her, and she seems like a pretty lousy wife, in the sense that she keeps cheating on you. If she's a great mother and keeps a clean house and is a great cook, maybe you would be better off hiring a nanny.

She stays at home all day, so I don't even know why you're still paying for her phone and internet access. You can block restricted numbers from even coming through on the phone.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> The calls are short because it's just to let him/them know it's safe to come visit her.
> 
> You completely swept last years affair under the rug and it seems she had zero consequences. No wonder she's back in the saddle. You handed her the reins.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.
Sorry man, 3-5 min calls are just arrangements and maybe a little foreplay.

VAR at home, nanny cams, GPS...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I don't see these as emotional affairs, they are only physical. Your wife gets her physical needs from these guys and thats it. Kind of like a man using a prostitute, your wife uses these guys.

Do you want to stay married to her or free yourself from years of misery?


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Well everyone I laid it all out there. No arguing at all. She listened and proceeded to tell me that when we talk two weeks ago she was done with things. So this doen't change things. Not sure she will do anything different. I feel much better that it is out in the open. I finally know where I stand and it's time to find someone who wants me for better or for worse. After the holidays we are going to sit down and make a plan. UGH!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So she admitted that thes cheating and having sex with these guys?

Have you thought about following her or having her followed?


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> So she admitted that thes cheating and having sex with these guys?
> 
> Have you thought about following her or having her followed?


No admission at all. Only that they are talking and texting. Like I said at this point at least I know where I stand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

confusedat42 said:


> Well everyone I laid it all out there. No arguing at all. She listened and proceeded to tell me that when we talk two weeks ago she was done with things. So this doen't change things. Not sure she will do anything different. I feel much better that it is out in the open. I finally know where I stand and it's time to find someone who wants me for better or for worse. After the holidays we are going to sit down and make a plan. UGH!


Be civil but don't be the nice guy. She could have ended things with you FIRST before cheating. She disrespected you so you don't owe her anything.

Hold your head up and steamroll to a D. Odds are she will have second thoughts once the reality of it hits but don't let that stop you. Its common for the WS to get wishy-washy when the BS moves on so quickly. Move to the D like you want it more than her (and you should, she is a serial cheater, nobody needs to be married to that). Karma will get her sooner or later.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> No admission at all. Only that they are talking and texting. Like I said at this point at least I know where I stand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You may know where you stand but nothing is out in the open.

Not that it matters much, maybe it's better that you're spared the grisley details of whatever she's doing with those guys.

She wants out so it really doesn't matter unless you want to try some of the strategies advocated on this site to discover and break up an affair and hope to knock her out of her fog so she'll come running back to you but from what I have seen the odds of successful reconciliations in situations such as yours is maybe 1 in 40.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You may know where you stand but nothing is out in the open.
> 
> Not that it matters much, maybe it's better that you're spared the grisley details of whatever she's doing with those guys.
> 
> She wants out so it really doesn't matter unless you want to try some of the strategies advocated on this site to discover and break up an affair and hope to knock her out of her fog so she'll come running back to you but from what I have seen the odds of successful reconciliations in situations such as yours is maybe 1 in 40.


Do you think involving her family is a tactic I could take? He father cheated on her mother and left her for the same woman he was cheating with. Don't think her mom would take to kindly to what has been going on. She only has one side of the story.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

keko said:


> I don't see these as emotional affairs, they are only physical. Your wife gets her physical needs from these guys and thats it. Kind of like a man using a prostitute, your wife uses these guys.
> 
> Do you want to stay married to her or free yourself from years of misery?


I totally disagree. And I think your post serves to make light of the damage that her actions have caused. This marriage can be saved.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

confusedat42 said:


> Well everyone I laid it all out there. No arguing at all. She listened and proceeded to tell me that when we talk two weeks ago she was done with things. So this doen't change things. Not sure she will do anything different. I feel much better that it is out in the open. I finally know where I stand and it's time to find someone who wants me for better or for worse. After the holidays we are going to sit down and make a plan. UGH!


Why in the hell are you allowing her to dictate the terms of your marriage? 

Do you want this woman to be your wife, or not? I'm asking this because it sounds like you're ready to fold your tent. Is that your plan? To bolt and run without firing a shot?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sometimes when the posts read like this i wonder if we are being played by a troll.

Ill play nice (at least as nice as i can muster when they start off so weak in response). and assume not.

1). Wake up. Your wife may be screwing guys ON YOUR BED that you paid for. Get angry. Use it to lose the weak all of us are seeing In you post. Some dude is screwing YOUR woman.
2). Go to walmart and buy three voice activated recorders. Stick one hidden in you bedroom. Stick one wherever she chats with her female friends. She probably talks to him there. Stick one under her carseat on the seat itself. Do a decent job of hiding them. They are 30 to 60 bucks each. Do this yesterday. This is the easiest one to do.
3) do you realize what weaksauce your posts present??? When she said I do that means you are the only guy allowed to inseminate her!!! ( the inverse is also true. She is the only woman you are allowed to inseminate)
4) go to the evidence gathering threads here. Do the keylogger and whatever you need to do to get a text message log. Since she sounds like a stay at home mom, you pay the bills right? Accounts are in your name?
5). Gather all you evidence make 3 copies in separate places at least one not in your home. Once you have REAL proof confront. Not before. Dont jump the gun.
6) there is a difference between nice and weak. Learn the difference. She sees you as weak. Let me explain her weakness to you at least as you present it. She is dependent ON YOU FOR income. Once infidelity is proven kick her out and cut her off. Dont think that is fair? Sloppy seconds is even less fair. Tell her you dont share your woman.
7). She sounds like a serial cheater. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are willing to play cuckold for the next ???? Years.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

committedwife said:


> I totally disagree. And I think your post serves to make light of the damage that her actions have caused. This marriage can be saved.


I disagree as well. Typically, women that fall into this darkness called infidelity get there by having inappropriate conversations with members of the opposite sex. Why women put themselves at risk to this is beyond me. Piss poor boundaries...that is the crux of it.

Somewhere along the line after continual feeding of emotionally feel good interactions, a spark happens that _could_ be on purpose, but it's generally truly by accident. However, once that spark gets fanned into a flame by _more_ inappropriate convos, they now know they that have to reciprocate to keep that feeling and flame going, and they do so by doing the one thing that they know pleases men the most and that's via their top emotional need: Sex.

Then round and round we go.......

until you get caught.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> Do you think involving her family is a tactic I could take? He father cheated on her mother and left her for the same woman he was cheating with. Don't think her mom would take to kindly to what has been going on. She only has one side of the story.


My story is almost identical on this point. Yes, involve her family. Their affair is a drug to her. Exposing it will hopefully end the affair. The secret could be what makes it so exciting for her. I exposed my wife's affair to her family because her father did exactly the same thing, and you know what? Not only did it help me feel better, but you'll find that her family will be on your side and want to help in any way they can.

I couldn't get a confession out of my wife, so I had to dig through texts and emails. I found out everything I wanted to know in horrible detail. It made it clear who I was dealing with and it really made me question if I even wanted to try to R or not. If she has an iphone I can tell you how to nail her ass to the wall without even using the phone, you'll just need access to her computer. It'll even show you deleted messages. Just PM me.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Since you never said a word about her affair last year, she probably thinks you'll get over your little snit and take her back once you calm down. 

Her respect for you and the marriage is not there now, maybe it never was - given her family history. Some people damaged in their youth fear the same outcome and 'strike first' out of a feeling of self-defense. It doesn't make sense, but it happens.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> All valid points. I know that she met the local guy at least once. I'm sure more though. My wife is home all day sooooooo many other oppurtunities might have come up. *She talks with the local guy about twice a day. once at 7am and once later*. the longest convo has been 10 min. most have been 3-5 mins. Last night a resrticted call came though on here phone and she did not answer it. That comes up 99999999 on the phone bill. That number recently started showing up. I am assuming it's the same local guy. He has a business and most resrict their #. I have plenty of evidence to go to her about all of this. Pissed off about the amount of disrespect.


Where does she talk to him? Wherever it is, put a voice-activated recorder there.

Put one in her car, too, she might be talking to this guy or to other toxic confidants who are encouraging her or enabling her.

Do you have kids? How long have you been married? 

How does she know local guy and for how long? What about long-distance guy?


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

committedwife said:


> I totally disagree. And I think your post serves to make light of the damage that her actions have caused. This marriage can be saved.


I agree that she has really hurt me. And everyday I think about the future of our marriage and our family. I would love to repair things. But not sure I am able to forget this. I will always be thinking that it will happen again.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It will keep happening if you let it.

It also sounds like your wife is out of the marriage already and is actively dating.

How convenient of her.

You should pack her bag and send her to her mothers. Tell her Mom why.

But seriously, talk to an attorney and get some advice.

Because your wife is a liar and someone you can not talk to anymore.

She needs to feel consequences. Not more talk.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

While she is out,get some big garbage bags, pack up her clothes, box up her toiletries, jewelry etc. and take it to her mothers. Leave it on the lawn if you have to. 

Change the locks onyour house. Usually there are only four small screwas on a lockset.

Text her and tell her her stuff is at her moms.

You have to lether in if she calls the popo but you have sent the strongest message you can.

DO not leave your house under any circumstances. This will be used against you and she might mve her boyfriend in.


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