# Uncomfortable with his flirting



## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

We’ve been married just over 4 years. I’m not sure if I’m uncomfortable with his flirting is ridiculous on my part. He’s a very outgoing, loud guy. This is one of the things I liked about him in the beginning, maybe because it was directed to me, all the attention, compliments… Now it seems like he just wants attention so the outgoing, loud, flirtatious comments to other women just bothers me. We’re members at a yacht club. Most are very nice and we’ve made some good friends. A few of the guys make some suggestive comments. I am never rude but don’t keep those comments going. I feel uncomfortable for their wives. So lately it’s been my husband and it makes me uncomfortable. Comments about smacking pretty asses, rubbing her leg. He doesn’t do it, and I don’t believe cheating would happen, I just don’t appreciate it. I haven’t said anything to him but I don’t want our relationship to go this way. I know he thinks I’m jealous so I’m having a hard time talking to him about it. My ex was an extremely jealous man so i learned not to provoke him by doing or saying anything inappropriate. Randy’s ex cheated on him. I think her need for attention led to excessive flirting and even though he forgave her once or twice, she eventually kicked him out. So I’m having a hard time with this although nothing that offensive has happened. What do I do????


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

VickiH1105 said:


> We’ve been married just over 4 years. I’m not sure if I’m uncomfortable with his flirting is ridiculous on my part. He’s a very outgoing, loud guy. This is one of the things I liked about him in the beginning, maybe because it was directed to me, all the attention, compliments… Now it seems like he just wants attention so the outgoing, loud, flirtatious comments to other women just bothers me. We’re members at a yacht club. Most are very nice and we’ve made some good friends. A few of the guys make some suggestive comments. I am never rude but don’t keep those comments going. I feel uncomfortable for their wives. So lately it’s been my husband and it makes me uncomfortable. Comments about smacking pretty asses, rubbing her leg. He doesn’t do it, and I don’t believe cheating would happen, I just don’t appreciate it. I haven’t said anything to him but I don’t want our relationship to go this way. I know he thinks I’m jealous so I’m having a hard time talking to him about it. My ex was an extremely jealous man so i learned not to provoke him by doing or saying anything inappropriate. Randy’s ex cheated on him. I think her need for attention led to excessive flirting and even though he forgave her once or twice, she eventually kicked him out. So I’m having a hard time with this although nothing that offensive has happened. What do I do????


ok all would say harmless flirting is ok as long as it does not get out of hand , 
you say that he thinks your jealous , but of what 
try to talk to him in the same way as you posted here , you just don’t appreciate it. and that you don’t want our relationship to go this way, 
some times it is better to shut down men that act in this way , just have to say to them your married and not up for what they are saying like spanking you ass , 
you can find a good way to say it in a joking way and get it across that it is a yacht club not a swinging club


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Flirting, especially saying those things that he does is very wrong and very disrespectful to you and those he says them to. 
Has he always behaved in such an idiotic way?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Randy’s ex cheated on him. does his wife tell the same story


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I would be more suspicious of someone that is jealous than someone who isn't. People often think others have similar thought processes to their own so if he considers cheating on you he would be more likely to think you're capable of cheating on him. Cheaters are more likely to accuse others of cheating.

He was cheated on but if he's carrying this into the current relationship, he still has some feelings he needs to work through. Counseling, self help, etc are called for.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Hiner112 said:


> Cheaters are more likely to accuse others of cheating.


 TRUE 


Hiner112 said:


> People often think others have similar thought processes to their own so if he considers cheating on you he would be more likely to think you're capable of cheating on him.


Often this is true , but not always


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Healthy jealousy is part of every loving marriage. I can't imagine being in love with someone and not be jealous. 

Your husband behavior is inappropriate and hurtful. You are jealous because you love him and it is very normal. You need to tell him this. How would he feel if you start flirting with other men?

My wife and I are rather jealous people and we appreciate and respect each other's jealousy. Once I was looking for a tennis opponent and the only opponent I found that matched my skill level was a woman. and my wife asked me not to play female opponent. I personally considered it not a big deal. I never game my wife any doubts about my faithfulness to her, I never flirted or did anything wrong and had I played this woman nothing inappropriate would have happened. But I respected my wife's ask and politely declined the opponent. This is just part of loving someone is not making the person you love feel unconformable regardless of circumstances.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I wouldn’t feel comfortable, I’d be jealous too. Not appropriate - and I’m sure other people are commenting on his stupid behaviour behind his back


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

VickiH1105 said:


> We’ve been married just over 4 years. I’m not sure if I’m uncomfortable with his flirting is ridiculous on my part. He’s a very outgoing, loud guy. This is one of the things I liked about him in the beginning, maybe because it was directed to me, all the attention, compliments… Now it seems like he just wants attention so the outgoing, loud, flirtatious comments to other women just bothers me. We’re members at a yacht club. Most are very nice and we’ve made some good friends. A few of the guys make some suggestive comments. I am never rude but don’t keep those comments going. I feel uncomfortable for their wives. So lately it’s been my husband and it makes me uncomfortable. Comments about smacking pretty asses, rubbing her leg. He doesn’t do it, and I don’t believe cheating would happen, I just don’t appreciate it. I haven’t said anything to him but I don’t want our relationship to go this way. I know he thinks I’m jealous so I’m having a hard time talking to him about it. My ex was an extremely jealous man so i learned not to provoke him by doing or saying anything inappropriate. Randy’s ex cheated on him. I think her need for attention led to excessive flirting and even though he forgave her once or twice, she eventually kicked him out. So I’m having a hard time with this although nothing that offensive has happened. What do I do????


Was he this flirtatious with other women while you were dating? If so, why did you tolerate it then? If not, why did he pull a 180?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

How old are you guys?


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Was he this flirtatious with other women while you were dating? If so, why did you tolerate it then? If not, why did he pull a 180?


Good question! He at times would be very attentive to other women but not flirting and saying things like this. I’m not quite sure what’s going on. He seems to love attention. And he’s playful and silly. But this kind of talk is beyond my comfort level.


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

Sfort said:


> How old are you guys?


I meant to mention that. I’m a young 64 and he’s 63. I was married 30 years and him 35 previously.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> _*Randy’s ex cheated on him. does his wife tell the same story*_



LOL...that was my first thought as well.

So many of these posers paint themselves as 'victims' of cheaters, yet they act like flaming ass-holes with absolutely ZERO respect for their spouses with their highly inappropriate behavior.

OP - this isn't about whether you're jealous or not. It's about his complete *lack of respect* for you.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

VickiH1105 said:


> I meant to mention that. I’m a young 64 and he’s 63. I was married 30 years and him 35 previously.


He is 63 and talking about smacking pretty asses? Can you describe exactly what he said and to who? In front of you?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

VickiH1105 said:


> Good question! He at times would be very attentive to other women but not flirting and saying things like this. I’m not quite sure what’s going on. He seems to love attention. And he’s playful and silly. But this kind of talk is beyond my comfort level.


Ok, I just love it when they pull the wool over our eyes during courtship and then the true colors come out later. SMH. Just make sure to communicate that you are most definitely not comfortable with his behavior and that it needs to change. In your position I might choose not to go to functions with him until he changes.


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Healthy jealousy is part of every loving marriage. I can't imagine being in love with someone and not be jealous.
> 
> Your husband behavior is inappropriate and hurtful. You are jealous because you love him and it is very normal. You need to tell him this. How would he feel if you start flirting with other men?
> 
> My wife and I are rather jealous people and we appreciate and respect each other's jealousy. Once I was looking for a tennis opponent and the only opponent I found that matched my skill level was a woman. and my wife asked me not to play female opponent. I personally considered it not a big deal. I never game my wife any doubts about my faithfulness to her, I never flirted or did anything wrong and had I played this woman nothing inappropriate would have happened. But I respected my wife's ask and politely declined the opponent. This is just part of loving someone is not making the person you love feel unconformable regardless of circumstances.


I appreciate your comments and care you put on your relationship. Thank you


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

VickiH1105 said:


> He seems to love attention. And he’s playful and silly. But this kind of talk is beyond my comfort level.


Playful and silly my ass. He means everything he says, he just says it in a loud joking manner so he can get away with acting like a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger.

It's not so much his actions as the atrocious amount of disrespect he has for you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

A lot of older guys try to be cute and harmless. Sometimes they unintentionally overstep boundaries. He needs to be informed as to where those boundaries are and as to where YOUR boundaries are. (There could be legal implications if he says or does the wrong thing to the right person.) If you are uncomfortable having that conversation with your husband, then there are other problems in your marriage, and you might want to consider third-party assistance. The reality is that he is probably harmless, but that doesn't mean he has the right to cross over your and other people's boundaries. There is one caveat: If he is still able to perform sexually, he may be having thoughts of his ability diminishing in the future. That thought can drive some many to do things that are unhealthy in a marriage.


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> He is 63 and talking about smacking pretty asses? Can you describe exactly what he said and to who? In front of you?


We were at another couples dock where a few others had gathered. I had sat down already and he went to another chair. There were at least 2 other women there around 50-57 and I heard the comment. I’m not exactly sure what prompted it. I didn’t say anything but was quite surprised. I believe he’s harmless but I don’t appreciate it.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

VickiH1105 said:


> We were at another couples dock where a few others had gathered. I had sat down already and he went to another chair. There were at least 2 other women there around 50-57 and I heard the comment. I’m not exactly sure what prompted it. I didn’t say anything but was quite surprised. I believe he’s harmless but I don’t appreciate it.


So he was talking about smacking one of their asses? YUCK


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

Sfort said:


> A lot of older guys try to be cute and harmless. Sometimes they unintentionally overstep boundaries. He needs to be informed as to where those boundaries are and as to where YOUR boundaries are. (There could be legal implications if he says or does the wrong thing to the right person.) If you are uncomfortable having that conversation with your husband, then there are other problems in your marriage, and you might want to consider third-party assistance. The reality is that he is probably harmless, but that doesn't mean he has the right to cross over your and other people's boundaries. There is one caveat: If he is still able to perform sexually, he may be having thoughts of his ability diminishing in the future. That thought can drive some many to do things that are unhealthy in a marriage.


We have been in counseling. I’m more confrontational than he is. If I say something to him, he would typically shut down or get totally defensive. So I’m trying to cool off ( not that I was fuming mad), get my thoughts together and then talk about it. I find it hard to stuff things and he can fall right to sleep. Thank you for your comments.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don’t think it’s very likely that he’s going to change at this point so you need to decide if you can live with his behavior or not.


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

Sfort said:


> A lot of older guys try to be cute and harmless. Sometimes they unintentionally overstep boundaries. He needs to be informed as to where those boundaries are and as to where YOUR boundaries are. (There could be legal implications if he says or does the wrong thing to the right person.) If you are uncomfortable having that conversation with your husband, then there are other problems in your marriage, and you might want to consider third-party assistance. The reality is that he is probably harmless, but that doesn't mean he has the right to cross over your and other people's boundaries. There is one caveat: If he is still able to perform sexually, he may be having thoughts of his ability diminishing in the future. That thought can drive some many to do things that are unhealthy in a marriage.


Yes, he can still do it! But he said he thought he had a problem in his previous marriage. What do you mean they may do things that are unhealthy in a marriage?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

VickiH1105 said:


> We have been in counseling. I’m more confrontational than he is. If I say something to him, he would typically shut down or get totally defensive. So I’m trying to cool off ( not that I was fuming mad), get my thoughts together and then talk about it. I find it hard to stuff things and he can fall right to sleep. Thank you for your comments.


I am personally aware of a situation that almost exactly mirrors what you're experiencing. The guy reacted the same way, but he heard what his wife was saying. After his ego bruising subsided, he started gravitating in that direction and has since learned to stay in his lane, most of the time. He's not a bad guy. He's just not a good comedian.

A 70+ year old friend of mine was a guest on a radio talk show. During the conversation, he started referring to an ethnic group with words that are currently not politically correct. The host had to take a break and, off the air, advise him that he can't use that term. He was genuinely shocked. No one had told him that the term is not politically correct as of a few years ago. The man doesn't have a racist or xenophobic bone in his body. The times changed when he wasn't paying attention. I'm told he doesn't use that word any more.

I'm assuming your husband's not a creep. If he is, that's a completely different matter and should be dealt with differently.


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> Randy’s ex cheated on him. does his wife tell the same story


I really don’t know her story. She ended up taking their youngest son, skipping town and doesn’t communicate with their other 4 children. But sometimes I think part of her cheating was brought on by loneliness and if he was flirtatious, she probably did it better!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

VickiH1105 said:


> What do you mean they may do things that are unhealthy in a marriage?


Sometimes older men when faced with the possible loss of virility will have an affair to prove to themselves that they still "have it". It is not excusable behavior and it is not okay, but it happens. In other words, you're doing the right thing by taking this matter seriously. In all likelihood you don't have a serious problem. However, we don't have enough information to make that statement with any degree of certainty.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Torninhalf said:


> He is 63 and talking about smacking pretty asses? Can you describe exactly what he said and to who? In front of you?


Torn, us guys are never to old to want to smack a pretty ass.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

jsmart said:


> Torn, us guys are never to old to want to smack a pretty ass.


I understand that. To women however men who talk like this to other women in front of their wives simply become dirty old men. 😉


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

VickiH1105 said:


> We were at another couples dock where a few others had gathered. I had sat down already and he went to another chair. *There were at least 2 other women there around 50-57* and I heard the comment. I’m not exactly sure what prompted it. I didn’t say anything but was quite surprised. *I believe he’s harmless* but I don’t appreciate it.


So being around a couple of slightly younger women, he takes his flirting up a notch? Hmm, be careful with this one. I know you said you’re a “young” 64 but an outgoing 63 year old guy may have a wondering eye for women in the age group that brought out his more aggressive flirtatious side. 

After a long marriage that ended in such an emasculating way, he may have gravitated towards safer shores but is now getting too comfortable and is willing to test the waters.
He shouldn’t be taking what he has for granted, which is what his actions seem to imply. There’s slightly playful flirting and then there’s sending out the vibe flirting. The ladder is unacceptable.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I have spent a lot of time around marinas and yacht clubs, including shared ownership of a liveaboard for a few years. They are second only to swinger bars when it comes to swinger hangouts.


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

jsmart said:


> So being around a couple of slightly younger women, he takes his flirting up a notch? Hmm, be careful with this one. I know you said you’re a “young” 64 but an outgoing 63 year old guy may have a wondering eye for women in the age group that brought out his more aggressive flirtatious side.
> 
> After a long marriage that ended in such an emasculating way, he may have gravitated towards safer shores but is now getting too comfortable and is willing to test the waters.
> He shouldn’t be taking what he has for granted, which is what his actions seem to imply. There’s slightly playful flirting and then there’s sending out the vibe flirting. The ladder is unacceptable.


I agree! I did talk to him this morning. I brought up his comment yesterday and he said he told her not to be rubbing his leg. Not that she was but she was sitting right next to him. I told him that was not what I heard and hence my comment that hey, she’s not your wife! But I’d said something because now it was 2 incidents. He said well he’d just disregard the prior because it happened a few weeks ago and he didn’t recall it and I should have said something then. I said I didn’t want to say anything in front of everyone, I waited rather than picking at him, but after the second time I felt I needed to say something because it made me uncomfortable and I wasn’t sure why he needed this attention. I think that’s basically what it is. The need to be the center of attention. Not that I think he’d have an affair but he can focus on the ladies and be very complimentary and now crossing over to flirtatious or sexual inuendos. He did however acknowledge my feelings and say he wouldn’t do it.


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## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

OnTheRocks said:


> I have spent a lot of time around marinas and yacht clubs, including shared ownership of a liveaboard for a few years. They are second only to swinger bars when it comes to swinger hangouts.


Oh my! This is our third season and I haven’t observed that although plenty of drinking and comments that can sometimes cross the friendly line. I’m not into that scene nor do I think he is. Only being married 4 years I guess I still want that attention from my husband and not others getting it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If he keeps fishing you’ll have to lay down the boom. Sounds like fishing to me.


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## footnassman1 (Jun 28, 2021)

I would tell him that you find this very disrespectful toward other women, and especially to you. 

If another woman's ass is discussed between my wife and me, it is because SHE has brought it up....yes, she knows she is married to an "ass" man....who thinks HERS is the nicest one ever....but, we live on the beach, so she will occasionally alert me if a pretty lady with a nice butt is walking down the beach in a thong....

I would NEVER imagine talking to her about me wanting to smack another woman's ass....just rude.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It all sounds harmless to me. However, it's wise to pay attention just in case.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Flirting, in sales terms, is prospecting. It's throwing out feelers to see if something might be there.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

VickiH1105 said:


> I agree! I did talk to him this morning. I brought up his comment yesterday and he said he told her not to be rubbing his leg. Not that she was but she was sitting right next to him. I told him that was not what I heard and hence my comment that hey, she’s not your wife! But I’d said something because now it was 2 incidents. He said well he’d just disregard the prior because it happened a few weeks ago and he didn’t recall it and I should have said something then. I said I didn’t want to say anything in front of everyone, I waited rather than picking at him, but after the second time I felt I needed to say something because it made me uncomfortable and I wasn’t sure why he needed this attention. I think that’s basically what it is. The need to be the center of attention. Not that I think he’d have an affair but he can focus on the ladies and be very complimentary and now crossing over to flirtatious or sexual inuendos. He did however acknowledge my feelings and say he wouldn’t do it.


Oh dear, you have a little Queenie-queen for a husband! Drama, attention, where’s his lipstick and Emmy!? 


Red flags here.

Let me reword it for you: ‘I can’t remember a thing, but the lady came on to me, she wanted me bad, but I didn’t say anything wrong. You should have caused a public scene and spoken up so that everyone can call you the crazy lady! And I don’t recall, but it was just a bit of fun, nothing serious. Next time you really should fix this problem publicly for me’.

See what he’s doing? 😉


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

VickiH1105 said:


> We’ve been married just over 4 years. I’m not sure if I’m uncomfortable with his flirting is ridiculous on my part. He’s a very outgoing, loud guy. This is one of the things I liked about him in the beginning, maybe because it was directed to me, all the attention, compliments… Now it seems like he just wants attention so the outgoing, loud, flirtatious comments to other women just bothers me. We’re members at a yacht club. Most are very nice and we’ve made some good friends. A few of the guys make some suggestive comments. I am never rude but don’t keep those comments going. I feel uncomfortable for their wives. So lately it’s been my husband and it makes me uncomfortable. Comments about smacking pretty asses, rubbing her leg. He doesn’t do it, and I don’t believe cheating would happen, I just don’t appreciate it. I haven’t said anything to him but I don’t want our relationship to go this way. I know he thinks I’m jealous so I’m having a hard time talking to him about it. My ex was an extremely jealous man so i learned not to provoke him by doing or saying anything inappropriate. Randy’s ex cheated on him. I think her need for attention led to excessive flirting and even though he forgave her once or twice, she eventually kicked him out. So I’m having a hard time with this although nothing that offensive has happened. What do I do????


If he's making you feel bad about thinking that behavior is inappropriate and you think he's going to turn it back around on you, you need to Google gaslighting and read all about it including how to combat it. I certainly would not act like I approved of it. That is just giving him permission to go and get worse. I mean can you not just lean into his ear and whisper, "Seriously??" when he does something like that? And you also need to ask him how he would feel if you did that to him. Or you could do that to him and find out the hard way. Guys are even less tolerant of that stuff than women are.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

I did that once, the first year i was married to my 2nd wife. Flirted harmlessly with the waitress. Nothing out of the way, just being overly nice to her. 

The wife did not take it very well. 
After the waitress left with our order, Niki was very blunt and to the point. I think her words were something about if my burial plot was paid up and I better never do that again. 
I inquired a little further as to what she meant. She simple said if she ever caught me cheating, she would shoot us both and it was not wise for me to be flirting with other women. 

I inquired again a few days ago, 7 years later. She would just chop my di*k off. I would rather she just shoot me. 



Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Just be up front that you don’t like when he talks about smacking an other woman’s ass or rubbing their legs. You don’t mind him talk to them but that went to far. If he gets upset about it, that is his problem.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I suggest you both read (and discuss over a bottle of wine): "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

I think it will provide you both with what you need to discuss your concerns. And you won't sound jealous.


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