# Major attitude from wife



## scotthall (Aug 3, 2007)

Me and my wife have been married for 6 years. We have 3 kids (2 together). I work fulltime and she stays home and takes care of the house and kids. Overall the marriage has been ok the normal ups and downs. But the past 3-4 weeks my wife has had this attitude it starts with the one word answers during our conversation and the occasional head node for a response. The feeling that I get from her is a very distant and cold as if I did something wrong (In which I didn't). Whenever I walk into a room that shes in she won't even acknowledge 
my presence. Several times during this 3-4 week period tried to find out what the problem was and either one or two things would happen 1) She would deny that there was a problem and that everything is normal or 2) She would get mad and switch it around and say that I was the problem! What can I do to find out what the problem is and how to fix it?


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## ImaginativeResource (Aug 4, 2007)

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about the trouble your dealing with. There is definately something bothering her, and the truth is it could just be that she's in a bad mood... Being with her for the time you have, I'm sure you've seen her moody before... 

I work full time and when I come home, let me tell you, my little ones can be exhausting! I mean, I don't KNOW HOW some handle toddlers 24/7??? It's a lot of work, and much harder than my day job, that's for sure!!! The strongest women are those who care for children full time and still "smile" sincerely! 

I don't know how the two of you are as a couple, but I'd love to make a suggestion... Me and my husband have a date night every week! Yup, every single week we go out for dinner and dessert. If you can afford this luxury, I HIGHLY recommend it!!! A nice dinner in a cozy spot with a martini can do wonders to one's "soul"!!! And don't forget to split that chocolate cheesecake at the end!!!

Nothing is more relaxing and nurturing that an exquisit dish in the company of a "great" friend, which you are to her I'm sure!!! Get a babysitter and get out!!! That will most definately turn her around!!! She's locked up in the house all day every day and needs a little escape and this is a way you certainly can give it to her without being excluded...

Let me know how you make out!!! I'm sending positive vibes your way buddy!!!


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Hi! I agree with the last post! My hubby and I have "date night" maybe not every week, but at least twice a month. If it's been too long, I'll say "I need a date night" and we work it out. It's done wonders for us. I'm a stay at home mom as well, and it is difficult sometimes to remember who I was when we first got married. It's important for her to feel like more than the maid and head cook. Give it a shot, hopefully it will help!


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Yup...something's on her mind. Date night is a good idea whether there's a problem or not. 
As far as her attitude, instead of asking her what the problem is, why not just come out and say "you know, everytime i say something to you, you just answer with a one word reply and when i come in the room, you don't acknowledge me at all," etc. Sometimes just pointing out what your views on things could bring out the answers. You may have done this already. But there's a way to do it without attacking or accusing her. Sometimes we do things and don't realize how the other person is seeing it. I hate it when people probe at me to get the answers. I'm like "just ask me straight out!".


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## bfpengi (Aug 16, 2007)

Hey, that sounds like me! I'm moody and when I get upset over something I get quiet, distant, resentful and when asked what's wrong, I say, "nothing." I also do the typical, get mad at you when you keep asking what's wrong because now I'm angry that you don't know, so even if it wasn't about you in the first place, it is now. I know I do it, and I know it's childish, but sometimes I can't keep myself from doing it. Here's my advice to you:

Sometimes it's not something you did. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. But even so, it can quickly turn into all about you if you approach it the wrong way. Sometimes I'll get hurt that you don't know what the problem is. This means I feel hurt because you're not paying attention to me or what's going on anymore. Sometimes I try to give little hints (which could be small snide remarks I make out of anger) to the problem, and the fact that you're still asking me what's wrong infuriates me.

Whether or not it's about you... once it becomes about you, you need to handle me with kid gloves. If I'm already at this silent angry stage, I'm already feeling resentful, vulnerable and probably really hurt over something. You coming at me too strong, getting defensive or too offensive will take me from silent anger to off-the-wall-unhinged-now-I'm-just-saying-things-to-be-mean super fast.

This might be really hard for you, but just put your pride aside for a while (I didn't say moment, sometimes it might take a while). My husband, when he cares, has an amazing ability to defuse me. He will come to me completely humble, with absolutely no expectations. He sits near me (but not too close) and tells me how much he loves me (he doesn't go on about it. Just a quick statement that says, no matter what he's still madly in love with me). He doesn't point any fingers at what I"ve done wrong. He just completely opens up his vulnerability and says "Honey, I'm feeling really insecure right now. I know you love me, but I feel like you're pulling away from me and it makes me worry about what you might be thinking. I feel like I should know what went wrong, but I somehow missed it. You've probably already tried to tell me, but I didn't hear you. I'm so sorry that we've gotten to this point. I want to hear you now. Please just tell me that you still love me so I can get past my own insecurities."

And frick, double frick, when he looks at me all sincere, vulnerable and hurt like that it turns around from me hating him to me feeling all guilty for hurting his feelings and I never really intended on hurting him, I just wanted him to understand how I was feeling. And I never believe in power playing by witholding from my husband that I love him. No matter how furious (and I get insane furious) I am, if my husband tells me he loves me and he needs to hear me say it back, I say it.

Sometimes it will take a while. If I've gone into silence for a period of time, I've gotten pretty used to it and can stay there for a long time. Sometimes he just has to sit there with me for a while. He has to be completely persistant. He can't force me to talk but he can tell me he's there and he's not going anywhere for as long as it takes. He doesn't nag. Sometimes he sits with me quietly or does things in the same room I'm in. Every once in a while he'll ask if there's anything he can do or if I'm ready to talk... you know just to check in. Sometimes it's taken days and he takes breaks to go to work, eat, quickly take care of kid issues and go to the bathroom, but everytime, he lets me know where he's going, that it's not cause his given up and exactly when he'll be back to continue waiting for me. I have a heart. I can't keep hurting him for extended period of time. If it's taken days, it's because it was a huge issue that's been ignored for a LONG LONG time. Usually it just takes an hour or so before I crack.

As for date night... we have those. We try to do it once a week and we go do something that we've been really wanting to do that's not kid friendly. We take turns on doing things important to the other person. Sometimes I'll go see some dumb movie for him and he'll go spend the day at IKEA for me. And sometimes we can actually find something that makes us both giddy like little kids again.

Good luck!


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

MrsLV said:


> Yup...something's on her mind. Date night is a good idea whether there's a problem or not.


I agree that date night is a good idea as often as possible... but don't forget that it would just be a bandaid for whatever is bothering her.


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

bfpengi, what an awesome response!!! Sounds like me too, btw. But my hubby, God love him, isn't as patient as yours.  I ditto those feelings and reactions though!:smthumbup:


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

scotthall said:


> Me and my wife have been married for 6 years. We have 3 kids (2 together). I work fulltime and she stays home and takes care of the house and kids. Overall the marriage has been ok the normal ups and downs. But the past 3-4 weeks my wife has had this attitude it starts with the one word answers during our conversation and the occasional head node for a response. The feeling that I get from her is a very distant and cold as if I did something wrong (In which I didn't). Whenever I walk into a room that shes in she won't even acknowledge
> my presence. Several times during this 3-4 week period tried to find out what the problem was and either one or two things would happen 1) She would deny that there was a problem and that everything is normal or 2) She would get mad and switch it around and say that I was the problem! What can I do to find out what the problem is and how to fix it?


Maybe her getting mad and saying you are the problem isn't switching things around. Maybe there is an issue that you have insisted was ok, "The feeling that I get from her is a very distant and cold as if I did something wrong (In which I didn't).", and you aren't listening but defending your position to avoid changing your behavior.


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## steelcurtain (Aug 25, 2007)

- I'm sorry that your going through a bump in the marriage. I was reading the other post and they are right "date night" lets not forget that momma needs a break too. I will say that when I go to work I think im getting a break when my wife and daughter stay home. It is more than just staying home and relaxing it is hard work by far. 

One idea: Arrange for grandma and grandpa to get the children for the night. Then call momma and say 8:00pm dress nice we going on a date. Stop by the flower shop at Kroger or Randalls and just imagine your going on a date for the first time (remember that day) momma will be very happy. You will be surprise what a little attention will get you, plus it is great for the marriage.

- "the best thing a father can do for his children, is love their mother" 

have fun on your date :smthumbup:


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