# Finally filing for D after 10ms of false R. Need advice please!



## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Hello again TAM,

Please bear with me as this post is very long. Also while I know I have no right to ask being this is a public forum, I do humbly ask anyway that the “hey dumb ass what were you thinking” comments, 2x4's and the like due to my trying to R be kept to a minimum. I only ask this because although I am a guy, I'm not too ashamed to admit that I'm really f*cked up & fragile right now. Thanks in advance for this.

Before I begin here are the vitals: Me BS (59) and disabled (but still very able) if you get my drift. Her WW (58). DS 21 & living at home. DD 37 and currently in S with my wayward SIL. 3 beautiful GK’s, all boys 2, 10 & 12.

OK, so here's my back story.... Initial D-day was 11-18-11. WW had 2 LTA's. # 1 lasted over 3 years and started as an EA that went to a PA. The second lasted 12 months and was an EA only but included pics & vids.

The statistics on A #1 are: Over 10K emails from 4/09 to 12/11. Over 1000 pics and vids (that's all that I could recover, there were actually a lot more that were too corrupted). TT for over 4 months after initial d-day and then discovery of 2nd A and more TT. 7 total meetings with OM #1 that included 2 road trip meetings in KY & IN while I was incapacitated & recovering from two major surgeries last year. Also two of the meetings were when we were on vacation with relatives in Fla. Fla. meeting 1 was outdoors in a public park. 2nd was at the same park in OM's smelly van. Numerous emails 7 texts while I was on the freaking operating table for both surgeries. There's much, much more but you can get the drift on how bad this was from the above.

The statistics on A #2 are: Texts, pics & vids for over 12 months. Fat pos OM #2 was an unwitting fallback when OM #1 was b!tchy, busy or bored with my skank WW. I almost feel sorry for the poor f*cker now.

Here are the statistics on our 10 months of false R. It took a while but WW really did seem to be getting it. More regret than remorse but she seemed to try on a daily basis and backed off when I needed some space. We went through the standard HB period (maybe even a little longer than usual) and then about two months ago everything for me just came to a screeching halt. I can’t fully explain it except to say that it felt like a dead spot or lull if you will. Here’s where it all began to fall apart. WW could not understand my lull and became frustrated because it looked to her like I wasn’t interested in even trying anymore. She also got upset when the sex stopped completely. I tried my best to talk to her about how I was feeling and tried to also work through it in IC. Thing was that the more I went to IC and dealt with my own issues, the less codependent I was and I started to truthfully ask myself if I wanted to deal with the pain any longer as I knew I was OK for the first time in a long time.

There is another variable in this whole mess as my DD is currently separated from my SIL due to infidelity. DD is also in a complete BS fog and rugsweeping SIL’s A stating that it’s 75% her fault and swallowing SIL’s WS hogwash whole. More on this later.

OK, fast forward to last Thursday. Due to this sh!tty mess which as I said above included two major surgeries last year, WW and I had to file for bankruptcy. I told WW she had to find a job to help out. Thinking back now, I wonder if my asking her to work wasn’t an unconscious ploy on my part to see if she could support herself in case I decided to D. Anyway, the first night she was at work I needed an address from our book by her computer. While I was looking for that, I came across another strange looking book that peeked my interest for some reason. Low and behold on opening it, I discovered it was a journal and towards the very back of it I found a hand written note to OM #1. It basically stated that she missed them being together, that I wasn’t tracking her anymore, that I couldn’t get over what she did, that she wanted to rekindle their A and that she had been sending him emails from her new smart phone and it was safe because I trusted her again.

She came home from work early that night and I confronted her with the note. Her response was a mixture of bullsh!t about it being an assignment from her IC to show her how f*cked up she was when she was in the A. I sat and listened to her WS crap for a while that actually also included this comment to me: “_I can’t believe that you could think I would do that again after I’ve worked so hard at getting you to trust me again!_” I mean she was actually indignant! (*Side note: Waywards are funny individuals aren’t they?). I decided that it was a useless endeavor to try and get to the truth that night, so I went up to bed as my head was spinning off my neck anyway. I woke up late that next day and discovered that she had left a hand written letter for me on the kitchen table. I was mildly shocked that she basically said in it that we were done and that she couldn’t continue to try and help me heal any longer because she felt I had made up my mind that I wanted out. I then went to the garage and found out that she had left and taken our only vehicle.

I took my DS to work the next day and immediately went to the bank to drain our accounts and then to my L. WW is still gone and there have been numerous sh!t storms between my DD, DS & I. The battle lines are now drawn and fairly stabilized with DD & WW on one side and DS & me on the other. BTW, DD’s situation makes this all that much harder as I love her and don’t want our problems to affect hers. I guess I’m dreaming on this though.

So that’s it up till now except that I met again with my L and we’ve both agreed that due to our limited assets that a disillusionment would be the best way to end this now. I live in a no fault state so the infidelity is not an issue for D. Also, since I am on permanent disability (SSDI) and a small private policy, my L has assured me that my state will not try and use that income as marital assets. That is unless WW, moron that she is, decides to lawyer up and try to fight for part of them. My L told me that she has as much chance as a snowball in Hell in getting the court to agree with this because she is able bodied and I am not.

My L has now instructed me to try and reach out to WW and make her see the light that disillusionment would be the intelligent way to go. But how do you reach out to a whacko? How do you make them see the light on anything, especially since WW is now not NC again with OM.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I should go about trying to do this? Should I just try and email WW? Should I just have the disillusionment paperwork drawn up and serve her with it, hoping for the best? Should I have posted this in the D forum instead of here?

I know this was the really long way around asking these but I’m at my wits end here. Any help and/or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

E mail her and see what happen, if the OM is married then the threat of exposure may give you the leverage you need.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> E mail her and see what happen, if the OM is married then the threat of exposure may give you the leverage you need.


Tell her you want the process to be as painless as possible or you're going to blow the sh!t sky high. You do have evidence I suppose so the threat of exposure to her family will be enough of an incentive for her to not cause too many problems. Cheaters rarely like being seen as the bad guys in a divorce and exposure would mean that they are going to be seen as the bad guys so they'll definitely toe the line


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> Tell her you want the process to be as painless as possible or you're going to blow the sh!t sky high. You do have evidence I suppose so the threat of exposure to her family will be enough of an incentive for her to not cause too many problems. Cheaters rarely like being seen as the bad guys in a divorce and exposure would mean that they are going to be seen as the bad guys so they'll definitely toe the line


Thanks. This is good advice. One other thing I did through R is that I didn't go nuclear on her ass and tell everyone with-in ear shot. I did this because I was in a BS fog and wanted desperately to try and save the M. I now know how stupid that was on my part.:slap:

Anyway, so you're saying if she doesn't play ball that I should go nuclear then? BTW, I do have ALL the evidence including ALL the emails, texts pic & vids. I also have loads of admissions by her in her own handwriting.

Also, if I do start to tell, what is the best way to do this? How much info do I give so as not to embarrass who I'm telling?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I think you can go nuclear after you divorce, for now you need to hold it over her head and make her sign in all the right places. Don't ever show your hand until you're ready to go all in


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why did your DD side with her, especially when she experienced infidelity herself ? Does she still believe your wife ?

maybe get her IC to talk to you/daughter during the mediation if that is what the IC actually recommended.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Hold on.

Once you are a ****, you can't go back (same applies to us girls) so why not try to outsmart the wacko first?

She is still seeing the OM, use that and tell her you know how horrible it has been for her (don't barf, she will know you are bs'ing her then) and that you two really have nothing to gain by fighting and having to deal with a divorce.

She may just surprise you (and us) and agree to it. If she doesn't, blow her sky high. Hell, I would still blow her sky high after the dissolution was granted. I have cake eating issues.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I think you can go nuclear after you divorce, for now you need to hold it over her head and make her sign in all the right places. Don't ever show your hand until you're ready to go all in


:iagree:

With divorce think strategy not revenge.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> Thanks. This is good advice. One other thing I did through R is that I didn't go nuclear on her ass and tell everyone with-in ear shot. I did this because I was in a BS fog and wanted desperately to try and save the M. I now know how stupid that was on my part.:slap:
> 
> 
> Also, if I do start to tell, what is the best way to do this? How much info do I give so as not to embarrass who I'm telling?


It so sad to hear of another false R. I can relate because I went through one. 

I do think it takes 8 to 9 mos. to get out of the BS fog. 

Glad you are now out. 

As for who to tell. Tell your social circle, tell any church groups, talk to her pastor, tell her family and your family, tell any groups she belongs to.

Afterward a lot of women will want to avoid her like the plague.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I play along with the fantasy and as soon as the D is finalized cut her worthless butt out forever.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> Why did your DD side with her, especially when she experienced infidelity herself ? Does she still believe your wife ?
> 
> maybe get her IC to talk to you/daughter during the mediation if that is what the IC actually recommended.


Hi Warlock! Glad to talk to you again. I don't know if you remember me but we talked a lot back in Nov-Dec last year after my d-day.

Anyway, to answer your questions, DD is in a complete BS fog. Just like I was in the beginning. I know for a fact that SIL was/still is an SA. DD is saying all the typical BS fog sh!t like "it's all my fault", "I'm 75% to blame", "I have to admit I'm the reason to save my M for my kids" etc.. etc.. I've tried to clue her in (and gently, not as a vindictive BS) but she just doesn't want to hear any of it. I talked to her today after some major blowups and I thought I hear just a smidgen of reality in her comments so maybe she is starting to come out of it. It really hurts cause I love her and I know first hand what she's going to go through. BTW, I did direct her to a support forum but it turned out to be a disaster.

The IC think would normally be a good idea but to be honest, the note thing is really a moot point now. I told WW that if she left it would be a deal breaker for me. She has...and it was! Especially the way she did it, i.e., by taking our only vehicle and running out at night while I was sleeping. Sorry man but that is just really low, especially after everything else she's done to me.

Hope that explains it better.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> I think you can go nuclear after you divorce, for now you need to hold it over her head and make her sign in all the right places. Don't ever show your hand until you're ready to go all in


Yeah, I think that is my best bet at this point. I need to just play the game until I can get out and away from this toxic b!tch. It's really hard though cause she's cut out so much of me already and she's continuing to do it. I just don't know what the wacko is planning behind my back right now. I do know from phone records that she's been burning the lines up calling family and friends I guess to pull an end run on me. That makes not going nuclear even harder because I'll be telling my side of this AFTER she's puked out her poison to them. Oh well, at least my DS knows the REAL truth and that been a God send for me up till now.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> Hi
> Anyway, to answer your questions, DD is in a complete BS fog. Just like I was in the beginning. I know for a fact that SIL was/still is an SA.
> 
> DD is saying all the typical BS fog sh!t like "it's all my fault", "I'm 75% to blame", "I have to admit I'm the reason to save my M for my kids" etc.. etc..
> ...


You won't be able to clue her in while she's in BS fog. 

She will only get angry and abusive toward anyone who tries to open her eyes. 

Hopefully she will visit sites like these and see how coddling the Cheater usually only ends up in the cheater feeling empowered to cheat again. 

It may take 5 years or 18, but they cheat again, if the BS doesn't take a strong stand and enforce strict rules for the cheater. 

I see it here all the time. Some one posts that they forgave their wife or husband for cheating 18 years ago, but they did it the wrong way, and then they are here posting again about the same spouse cheating AGAIN. 

So Sad. I hope your daughter wakes up.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> You won't be able to clue her in while she's in BS fog.
> 
> She will only get angry and abusive toward anyone who tries to open her eyes.


This is exactly what is happening and it hurts so much as a BS myself to see and hear it.

OK, Here's another twist to this ongoing sh!tstorm. I just found out that WW has lawyered up! I know for a fact that she is aware we have no real assets. Why the hell would she do this and waste money we both don't have right now? I have to tell you all that my mind is spinning. I have suspected for a long time that WW was taking household money and putting it away in secret accounts. I think there may be as much as 40K hidden away. If that's really the case, then she would lawyer up to try and protect that money in case I find out. Man! I am really freaking right now thinking about this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So get a lawyer and do discovery on her.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

there are people who specialise in finding hidden money.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> So get a lawyer and do discovery on her.


Hi Shaggy, remember me? Nice to talk to you again even if it's because of this sh!t.

I will ask my L about this but I'm also trying to protect my disability which my L says she can't really go after unless she's also disabled. However, my L said that if she decides to be a real b!tch and get nasty, she could possibly screw things up for me with SS. While I'm on permanent SSRI, and my disability is genuine, her L could create a situation where I would have to go through a new qualification process with SS. It really scares me cause if I don't have my disability income I'm screwed. I can not work at any normal job and I really do rely on the small amount I get on that plus another small private policy to survive. I guess it won't hurt to just ask my L what his opinion is on this. Also, please remember that this is just conjecture on my part right now. I'm not 100% sure if she really stole anything or not.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I'm so sorry for the false R. I won't talk about the question you ask because many have answered it. I will say though that "fragile" is probably an understatement!

The lying and cheating even after the affair is revealed is soul destoying. I went through it and I also discoverd hidden communications, heard the indignant outbursts.

Note from my Psych..
At this point avoidance is not a bad thing. Reduce contact to the minimum.

When you do have to engage with her keep the conversation light. Sympathise with her if she says how hard it is, but don't let her drag you into relationship talk. 

Drop your defenses. Practice open body language around her. If you find yoruself closing up you know that you are feeling threatened. Change the subject, abrubtly and immediatly.

Another counter-intuitive thing to add to the long list! 

Look after yourself. One, two and three.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

67flh said:


> there are people who specialise in finding hidden money.


I used to know a gal who was a forensic accountant. Divorces were just about all she did.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Just another twist in the drama that is now my sh!tty life...

WW is now staying with some really close friends of ours in an in-law addition they built for a now departed mother. I trust these people implicitly so I went over there after WW went to work today and told them the whole story. Funny thing is that they both said they knew how f*cked up WW was/is and that it was why they detached from us lately. The wife of these good friends has known WW since elementary school. They've been like sisters since then and I was shocked when she stated to me that she knew WW was on a road to ruin but couldn't stop her no matter what she said or did. BTW, they did NOT know anything about the A before WW asked to move in. She said that WW did tell her she had an affair and that I was at my ends rope with her and that is why she had to get out of our house. She also said that WW did not go into any details other than to say she had an A.

I'm actually glad WW is living there. I truly do not wish her any ill will and I do hope she can find a way to straighten her life out somehow. It just can't be with me now and I told them both this when we talked. They understood and must have told me a 100 times that they loved me and understood that I had to do what I'm doing to be happy.

Here's the really bad part about this whole situation though. The wife told me that WW is back to drinking heavily again. She also told me that she knew long ago that WW was an alcoholic and that she believes she never did stop drinking like she led me to believe. Her H used to be an alcoholic and has been sober for over 20 years now. She said from that experience she knows WW was handing me a line of sh!t. Her H concurred and asked me if I ever saw WW go through any withdraw from quitting. I told him no and it was like another "holy sh!t" moment for me! I really thought I was done with those.

Now I don't know what to do as we ALL know that you can't reason with an addict. I'm really afraid that WW will go off the deep end and down the rabbit hole again. When she gets like this, there is no telling what she is capable of. I do know for sure that I won't be able to talk calmly with her if she's drunk, so for right now I'm kinda stuck.:scratchhead:


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Well... let your lawyer do the talking for you. You say she's lawyered-up, yes? Then let them do their work. Don't waste your breath on her cheating, alcoholic ass.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> Well... let your lawyer do the talking for you. You say she's lawyered-up, yes? Then let them do their work. Don't waste your breath on her cheating, alcoholic ass.


Great advice except that I can't afford the lawyer fees. Remember I said that I'm surviving on SSRI and another small disability payment. My L told me that a fight would cost me 3K just to start. Where the hell do I get that kind of cash? I only have one family member living (my brother) and he's not in great financial shape either. I couldn't bring myself to ask him even if he was. I think I may be f*cked!!!!!!!!


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Holy sh!t!!!!!

I took the suggestion of many of you and sent WW an email trying to get her to at least agree to a meeting. I finally got an answer back. FYI, below is a copy of all the correspondence. Comments and/or suggestions would be much appreciated. Thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me to Her,

Since you haven’t made any attempt at any contact, I thought I’d write to start the ball rolling. I’ve thought long and hard about this since last Thursday. It’s painfully obvious to me that we’ve come to, (as you so eloquently put it), a crossroads. Please know that I still love you and that I truly do not wish you any ill will. However, I tried to explain numerous times to you that if you chose to leave, it would be a deal breaker for me. 

As to where we go from here, I think we both know in our hearts that it isn’t going to work out. I know that you’ll agree that we’ve both been through the wringer the past 10 months. I’d like to think that we can handle this amiably as adults, without anger and/or resentment. My feeling is why add to our misery when there isn’t really anything left of real value to fight over anyway?

So I’d like to make a suggestion. Let’s you and I get together at a mutually agreed, neutral location. Maybe for lunch or dinner and just talk this out calmly. I would like this talk to be about our individual futures, and not waste time hurting each other any more by talking about, or reliving the past. I think we need to do this sooner than later, so we can both begin to move on with our lives and be happy. I mentioned sooner than later because the more protracted this becomes, the worse it will be emotionally and financially for both of us. I know I've been through enough pain lately to last me a lifetime, and I get the feeling that you would like to ease your pain too. At the very least we have some pressing issues we need to discuss like car insurance, cell phones etc., and I don’t want these issues to become open wounds and fester.

If you won’t consider doing this for me I'll understand, but please try and consider doing it for (DS) and (DD) sake. I know we both want (DS) to continue his online schooling, and I also know we both would like to give more attention to (DD's) situation. We both love our kids and it's unfair to leave them in limbo. At any rate, please consider my proposal and let me know as soon as you can if you’re agreeable to it. Thank you.

All the best,

****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her to Me,

I also don't wish you any ill will. I'm sorry it had to come to this. I haven't purposely held off contacting you, it's only that I've been working 10-12 hour days and weekends. I've come back here and slept most of the day. I'm also trying to get my thoughts and feelings straightened out. I'm still continuing to see (IC).

If we could maybe get together some time this weekend (Sat./Sun.) for a late lunch. I'm working both days at 8PM so it would have to be before then. Let me know what will work for you. I don't want to get into a drag out fight about any of this and work it out to suit both our wants/needs. I still love you and want you to be happy and I know that hasn't been the case for either of us lately. I care about you a lot and I agree with all you've had to say......

Let me know if either of those days are good for you. 

****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me to Her,

Thank you so much for your reply and for taking the high road concerning this. I think Sun. would work better for me. I have a sneaking feeling that both of us will not really be that hungry, so the place will be more important than the food. Soup and salad is about all I think I'll be able to handle. If I'm wrong on this, please let me know. I've been racking my brain thinking of a neutral quiet place where we can have some privacy and talk. I really don't want it to be a place we've frequented often as I think that would be too hard on both of us. How does Eat & Park, or the Cracker Barrel on ** by ** sound to you? Those will both be quiet on a football Sunday and also close to your work. I can meet anytime that is convenient for you so just pick a time. Please let me know as soon as you can.

~ ****


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Wow Doormat.

Truly very sad for you.

Your wife has so many issues and your entire family is hurting.

Your family is in my prayers buddy.

HM64


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If I recall OM1 is married? You need to contact his wife and let her know you're wife has been back to messaging with him.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Didn't you say you were filing bankruptcy? If the Bankruptcy Trustee finds out that she has money hidden in an account, it will not be pretty. She better think long and hard about hiding money while filing for bankruptcy.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> If I recall OM1 is married? You need to contact his wife and let her know you're wife has been back to messaging with him.


This was the first thing I thought off when I discovered her contact again. The OM's wife is a raging alcoholic though and the last time I contacted her back in Dec. of last year it was a real cluster f*ck. I'm going to try again but to be honest, at this point I just want to meet with STBX and get the ball rolling to get this over with.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> Didn't you say you were filing bankruptcy? If the Bankruptcy Trustee finds out that she has money hidden in an account, it will not be pretty. She better think long and hard about hiding money while filing for bankruptcy.


The bankruptcy has already discharged. Do they investigate every B? If so, I'm wondering how far they went on mine because of our limited assets when we filed.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle my meeting with STBX on Sun.?

The two locations I picked do not serve alcohol, and are quiet family oriented restaurants. I specifically did this in case STBX shows up loaded and tries to create a scene. From the tone of her email it doesn't seem she intends any funny business, but past experience tells me that anything is possible with her when she's drinking.

My plan in our meeting is to remain calm & stay on course, e.g., not bring up anything about the A or the past and just concentrate on the disillusionment issues. There are no young kids involved so as long as she isn't drunk, it should go fairly well.

Am I missing anything here?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Keep a VAR on your person. Just in case.

Keep a level head and don't let her mind games or whatever else get to you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would hold off on exposing to OM's wife for now. You aren't trying to kill WW's affair to get her back, you are trying to get through a divorce as smoothly as possible. After the divorce is finalized you should consider contacting OMW so she is informed of her husband's continued infidelity.

With your meeting with your wife, just keep it short and on topic. If she starts to get accusatory, steer the conversation back to the topic. Don't let things get dragged out. Set some kind of time limit on each topic or for the whole conversation. You don't have to state the limit, but have one in mind. If things are dragging out you can try to speed them along or just tell her that this topic needs more time and you will get together again to finalize it.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> Keep a VAR on your person. Just in case.


This is a great idea! I don't know why I didn't even think of that as I used them in the beginning of this mess. Where could I keep the VAR so that it picks up both our conversations? Obviously I don't want her knowing I have it.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> Don't let things get dragged out. Set some kind of time limit on each topic or for the whole conversation.


Thanks Thor. BTW, nice talking to you again. Just sorry it has to be this way.

STBX has to work Sun. at 8:00PM. I was going to try and set the meet to give us just enough time to talk and for her to get to work. That should handle the overall, but I still like your idea of keeping the topics short and on point.

I was thinking of writing down the key points and taking them with me like cue cards, but I don't know if that will come off as tacky on the first meet. Whatya think?

Got an IC appt. in 30 mins. Be back online in about 2 hours.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> Thanks Thor. BTW, nice talking to you again. Just sorry it has to be this way.
> 
> STBX has to work Sun. at 8:00PM. I was going to try and set the meet to give us just enough time to talk and for her to get to work. That should handle the overall, but I still like your idea of keeping the topics short and on point.
> 
> ...


Take your notes with you. This is your wife. Who cares how it looks in front of her. She should be grateful you are giving her this audience.

And she is a very damaged woman. My heart goes out to both of you and your family.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

OK, I'll take the notes.

On another note. Yesterday I started to get what I can only describe as overwhelming emotional moments. It's really embarrassing sometimes. For no apparent reason and at no particular time, I just start to break down and cry uncontrollably. It has happened in stores, in my car, at home, in a doctors office etc... People are beginning to look at me like I'm nuts. I can't figure it out as it's not like it's being triggered by anything like a song, place etc... I mean WTF! I'm a BIG guy (6'6" & 280lbs) and I'm breaking down like a freaking baby. I've taken Valium to try and control it, but to no avail. Christ, I hope this doesn't happen when I go meet STBX! Anyone else ever have this sh!t happen to them?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> OK, I'll take the notes.
> 
> On another note. Yesterday I started to get what I can only describe as overwhelming emotional moments. It's really embarrassing sometimes. For no apparent reason and at no particular time, I just start to break down and cry uncontrollably. It has happened in stores, in my car, at home, in a doctors office etc... People are beginning to look at me like I'm nuts. I can't figure it out as it's not like it's being triggered by anything like a song, place etc... I mean WTF! I'm a BIG guy (6'6" & 280lbs) and I'm breaking down like a freaking baby. I've taken Valium to try and control it, but to no avail. Christ, I hope this doesn't happen when I go meet STBX! Anyone else ever have this sh!t happen to them?


Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster.

Sadly, this happens to many quite often. If it gets really bad go see a MD for meds.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Thanks but WHY does it happen? I'm kind of numb about the D. In fact I can honestly say that I'm giddy sometimes that it soon will be over. I just can't understand this crying sh!t.:scratchhead:

Oh, and what kind of meds cause I'm already on an AD and as I said I take valium to no avail?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> Thanks but WHY does it happen? I'm kind of numb about the D. In fact I can honestly say that I'm giddy sometimes that it soon will be over. I just can't understand this crying sh!t.:scratchhead:
> 
> Oh, and what kind of meds cause I'm already on an AD and as I said I take valium to no avail?


Depression perhaps - understandable if so.

You are very interesting. And no, I hadn't read your original posts. But ALL your messages here sound panicky and convey fear and dread. Yet your email message was anything but. That sounded well reasoned and confident. 

Since she's working and your incapable of doing so, why isn't spousal support on the table? Did your consultation with the lawyer cover this aspect? If not, and support is a viable option, you might want to use that as leverage in negotiating terms and bringing about a speedy resolution. 

Additionally, you might consider raising the issue of possible missing funds. But if so, do it in a non-threatening manner - yet making it a real threat.

Such as raising the issue of your bankruptcy as an aside: "_By the way Mary, I understand the gov't is cracking down on bankruptcy fraud, I read an article last week on xxxx that several people are being charged with fraud for squirreling away money. It's unbelievable how these govt guys can't find something better to do. Anyway, if only we had some to squirrel away in the first place!"_ chuckle and watch her facial expression.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

> You are very interesting. And no, I hadn't read your original posts. But ALL your messages here sound panicky and convey fear and dread. Yet your email message was anything but. That sounded well reasoned and confident.


Really? That was an eye opener for me. And not in a bad way either. I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. I've been working really hard in IC since this began on codependency issues just like this. I'm gonna have to go back and read my own posts and try and remember what I was feeling when I wrote them. BTW, I can't really take all the credit for how I sounded in the email messages. I was going off some advice I got in this thread to be calm and confident so STBX would agree to meet.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> OK, I'll take the notes.
> 
> On another note. Yesterday I started to get what I can only describe as overwhelming emotional moments. It's really embarrassing sometimes. For no apparent reason and at no particular time, I just start to break down and cry uncontrollably. It has happened in stores, in my car, at home, in a doctors office etc... People are beginning to look at me like I'm nuts. I can't figure it out as it's not like it's being triggered by anything like a song, place etc... I mean WTF! I'm a BIG guy (6'6" & 280lbs) and I'm breaking down like a freaking baby. I've taken Valium to try and control it, but to no avail. Christ, I hope this doesn't happen when I go meet STBX! Anyone else ever have this sh!t happen to them?


If I were in your place, I think I would have been clutching my old teddy bear bawling my eyes out every minute of every day. Its hard man and its okay to cry when you're alone. Just make sure you have a stony face when you're meeting your STBX.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Just a funny side note. I haven't been here in awhile and I just figured out what the "Like" thingy button was. I can't resist and have to ask this..... Is TAM now the FB of Infidelity?

Just kidding Chris....


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Just an update....

Good morning all!

Well I had my meeting with STBX yesterday and I have to say for the most part it went well. That is except for losing my cookies in the washroom at the restaurant when I tried to eat something. I know, tmi.

Other than the upset stomach which I attributed to nerves, I was amazed at how clam and collected I was. STBX to her credit was also calm, although shaking like a leaf throughout the whole meeting. I assumed that was also do to nerves but it also could have been the DT's. I confirmed that she is indeed drinking again. I asked her flat out and she admitted that she has been for a couple of months now. That really explains the new contact with OM as I now know she has completely fallen back down the rabbit hole. The only reason she wasn't tipsy at this meeting was that she had to go into work after we were done.

We covered almost all the important issues I wanted to and also agreed to almost everything (including a disillusionment) with the exception of two major sticking points. One was when I asked for her house key and the other was when we talked about her future living arrangements. She flatly refused on returning the key; and hinted that she has thought about moving back home until things are finalized. I was flabbergasted that she would even contemplate thinking that she could move back. She then began to complain that she was working 7 days a week & 12 hours a day and was hurting because it's been a while since she's had a full time job... (yeah, my heart just bled for her sorry ass). I didn't want the meet to turn ugly so I evaded the moving back issue by telling her that what she said had cuaght me off guard and I would have to digest it. It just goes to show though how truly whacked she really is.

This moving back home thing is going to present major problems not only with me but also considering DS's mindset right now. He has said right along that if STBX moved back, he was gone. The good thing is that I've set up DS with an appointment with my IC this week. My IC is great so I'm hopeful it will help him get his thoughts in order, and when we cross this bridge, he won't go off the deep end just in case I'm obligated to let her come back.

I'm going to contact my L this week and talk about what my options are concerning the moving back home situation. Since I didn't kick her out, and her leaving the way she did amounts to abandonment in my eyes, I'm hoping the L concurs with me that I don't have any obligation to let her back. I've already stated that I don't want to be vindictive in this process, and I don't wish STBX any ill will. However, there are limits as to how much I can take. I have to be honest and say that there is no freaking way she's EVER coming back if I can help it. It's not like we live in a castle so if for some reason my L does say I'm obligated, no matter what living arrangements are made in my home, it would be emotionally oppressive to say the least. So if the L does concur that I have no obligation, then keeping this calm and controlled be damned, as I'll have ALL the locks changed immediately! No f*cking way am I supporting and/or financing her f*ucked up boundaries and behavior EVER again. Especially NOT in MY home.

BTW, this will be my last post in CWI. I will be moving over to GTDS for the rest of the D process and I'll try to update there as we move further along on this.

Thanks to everyone here for all the help and advice.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DNM53

Glad your meeting went well. Sorry about the D.

I think you both handled yourself well.

And I agree with you. I would not want her home as well.

Kinda weird that she would want to move back in.

Talk to your L ASAP.

HM64


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Thanks hm64. I've been trying to contact L all day but haven't been able to yet.

BTW, I'm also going to start going to a Divorce support group I found through "Meet-up" tomorrow. I figure some extra live support can't hurt as I'll be able to interact with others going through this.

I also want to say thanks again to the poster that called out my getting too dramatic in my posts. I can't remember their handle but it really made me look hard at myself and remember to take time to breathe BEFORE I knee jerk on a problem. Sometimes a 2x4 is a really good thing.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Yeah 

A little lumber across the side of the head can be a good thing if used sparingly.

You work on you. And I truly hope your STBXW gets the help she needs. 

HM64


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Seems like you are moving along slowly but progressively. Keep the ascorbic acid intake high to cope with stress (cortisol). Stay focused on work and health, you'll be surprised how fast you will lift yourself back up and start running again, bam!


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