# Being affected by other peoples moods!



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

How do you NOT let someone else's moods affect you? My husband is a recovering alcoholic, and has done great with his AA for almost 2 years! I'm proud of him. :smthumbup:

However, he still has mood swings from time to time, and yes it could be he is bipolar, and I do know he has depression issues from time to time as well. He hasn't talked to the doctor about depression or maybe being bipolar etc. I'm not sure why. 

However, I was thinking about alot of this just yesterday and have come to the the conclusion alot of MY problem over the years has been I have been dependent on his moods and how they affect me. If he is happy then so am I. If he is upset or depressed it makes me feel the same way. Honestly I don't care to be like that. I'm actually letting another persons moods, and how they feel affect me. I can remember being like this growing up as a child too. So its not so much that it all came from my husbands moods, because I think I've always been like this. 

I guess I have never really known how to be happy on my own etc. I have read many books about codependency too, and that might be alot of it as well. I have learned to take a step back, and its not all about me, and how to "detach" when I need too when he gets in a mood. However, it still makes me feel bad, it makes my heart ache and I don't know how to not let his moods effect me to where I feel bad. 

Any thoughts or suggestions?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Oh, I'm extremely aware of the phenomenon. And it has caused a lot of problems over the years. I can simply walk into a room of people and immediately pick up on it. It has been hard for me to learn not to absorb those energies. As a group we are referred to as "sensitives". You may want to do more reading on that and auras. It is fascinating.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Oh, I'm extremely aware of the phenomenon. And it has caused a lot of problems over the years. I can simply walk into a room of people and immediately pick up on it. It has been hard for me to learn not to absorb those energies. As a group we are referred to as "sensitives". You may want to do more reading on that and auras. It is fascinating.


Thanks I'll check it out. You know I have had people say if your husband gets in a mood, and you're able, then just leave and go make it great day yourself, even if you just get out of the house for awhile. Which is fine, but even if I do that, that feeling of being down and out because he is/was, is still there. So its like I take that mood where ever I go. I can shake it off sometimes and pull myself out of it, but sometimes I can't.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Fortunately I have a therapist who really understands the phenomenon. We have spent a lot of time working on how to manage the problem/gift. I live in a very isolated area, so that helps. It really is hard not to absorb other people's energies though. I've been doing a poor job of managing that over the past year; I need to start focusing better.

Another term for this group of people is empaths. Enjoy your research.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm not sure if you have been in counseling, but perhaps they can help give you some suggestions. I hate that feeling of having other peoples moods have an effect on me, I've been there, its no fun. 

It sounds as if, since this happened in your childhood as well, that it never got delt with on how to handle that. So you will need to talk with a counselor about this and see what they can offer.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AgentD, I think it's a great step to acknowledge this. I can relate, particularly re: my H's moods.
recently I've started individual therapy.
What I've noticed is that working on my own inner world and becoming stronger inside, I am less affected by my husband's moodiness.
My therapist did an exercise with me where he placed a rope on the floor around me as a "boundary," and I adjusted it to my comfort level.
When my H acts like a pill, I envision that boundary surrounding either me or him, and it keeps me grounded in myself.
Just yesterday he was rude and immature--I responded by telling him how I felt about it, and then giving myself space away from him.
Before, I wouldve lit into him.

At the moment, I'm in a car with him for 5 hours.
He's in a tense mood. He was all pouty and pissy when I tried to engage him in conversation.
I could feel myself getting riled up, but instead of harassing him, I plugged in my earphones and checked out for awhile.
He is now relaxed more.

Here's a thought: from what I've noticed with my H, a particularly moody character, is that HE is actually very susceptible to the energy *I* send.
When Im grounded, positive, happy, he chills out and relaxes.

Sometimes.
And when he doesn't--I'm learning to shrug and tune in to myself.
It is quite a relief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Thanks creda! Sounds pretty similar to my situation as well. There are times I can detach and separate myself from whatever mood he might be in, and there are times I can't. Here lately its more of I can't, and not sure why. I feel like I have a lump in my throat and heart aches just because I'm letting it get to me. Hopefully I will learn over time to become better at not letting this effect me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AgentD said:


> Thanks creda! Sounds pretty similar to my situation as well. There are times I can detach and separate myself from whatever mood he might be in, and there are times I can't. Here lately its more of I can't, and not sure why. I feel like I have a lump in my throat and heart aches just because I'm letting it get to me. Hopefully I will learn over time to become better at not letting this effect me.


Yes, some days are better than others.
It depends on the extremeness of a "mood," and how much you can take it personally or not.
Sometimes you just can't be the stoic Buddha.
Have you done individual counseling? Your husband's issues and moods may take front and center at home, but you need self-care too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

Wow - so I am not the only person who is a total 'sponge'. 

I also find myself unable to detach myself from my husband's mood and enery levels.
Sometimes I come home from work, full of energy, and I see him sitting down, reading a book or playing a computer game and immediately I don't feel like doing anything either (such as housework etc...) The problem is that I do need physical activity to stay happy. Being still for too long or by myself usually makes me very depressed.

So, I usually choose happy, extremely active people as friends. Nearly all my female friends are 'power people'.

Also, I found that I am so emotionally dependent that I am actually rather intolerant when my husband gets sick.
At first, I try to make him feel better by telling him to sleep, getting him vitamins, medication, onion soup, etc... And when he does not get better within the timeframe I think he should feel better, I get impatient and find it hard to accept that he is still sick.

I know - this is horrible and I am not being a good wife.

I am starting to learn to accept it when he isn't feeling well and that it's ok for him to feel that way and for me to still feel good and positive and not having to 'plug into' the same mood/energy level, while still being considerate and empathetic.

Because of some other issues we are having, I am starting some IC and codependency will definitely be one of the topics to tackle.

Since I only recently came across the realization that I am codependent, are there any good books you guys could recommend?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

In our counaseling aesions it works like this. I am responsible for how my wife feels tegarding my mood and I am reaponsible for how I feel regarding her mood
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

More on "Empaths"

Empaths - Traits of an Empath 

Judith Orloff is a great expert on Empaths and "Energy Vampires"

YouTube - ‪How To Spot Energy Vampires‬‏


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Wow I almost forgot I had this thread! 

Update on his moods though. Started seeing a counselor, we both are doing IC right now. My main focus is, trying to learn how to deal with these moods when he gets in them. Sometimes I do not know how to take them or what to do or say. For so long I was confused by his moods and even questioned myself. 

When I spoke with the counselor about his moods, the first thing she mentioned was he sounded like he was displaying some traits of BPD! I was actually shocked because I felt she might say something about possible bipolar. But she didn't, it was BPD. If so, it helps to explain these moods etc. Regardless though, I need to learn how to react and the proper way to handle certain issues when they arise.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

AgentD said:


> Wow I almost forgot I had this thread!
> 
> Update on his moods though. Started seeing a counselor, we both are doing IC right now. My main focus is, trying to learn how to deal with these moods when he gets in them. Sometimes I do not know how to take them or what to do or say. For so long I was confused by his moods and even questioned myself.
> 
> When I spoke with the counselor about his moods, the first thing she mentioned was he sounded like he was displaying some traits of BPD! I was actually shocked because I felt she might say something about possible bipolar. But she didn't, it was BPD. If so, it helps to explain these moods etc. Regardless though, I need to learn how to react and the proper way to handle certain issues when they arise.


Go here::: Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

or::: BPDFamily.com - Boards
to go directly to the boards.
Lots and LOTS of information there!


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Go here::: Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
> 
> or::: BPDFamily.com - Boards
> to go directly to the boards.
> Lots and LOTS of information there!


Thank you, I will deffo check this out. The counselor also recommended for me to read the book, Stop Walking On Eggshells too.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Fortunately I have a therapist who really understands the phenomenon. We have spent a lot of time working on how to manage the problem/gift. I live in a very isolated area, so that helps. It really is hard not to absorb other people's energies though. I've been doing a poor job of managing that over the past year; I need to start focusing better.
> 
> Another term for this group of people is empaths. Enjoy your research.


My grandmother, a Creek Indian, claimed that this ran within our family. The difference, though, was was her belief that you could learn to give off this 'aura' in a way that impacts other people. She had a nickname for me that is a little too personal to mention, but it is more a less a person who walks with one foot in the spirit world. Really, though, I think its more about being attuned to body language, but the subject fascinates me. I'd say that the most important part of this, to me, is realizing the ways his moods overlap and become your own, and find ways to protect your emotions from his. Like the others said, the research can help to bring this home for you. 

I have a couple of sappy examples that I learned from my groandmother: Since my wife is bipolar, I've learned to adopt ways to try to be independant from her depression. My grandmother taught us at a young age that we aren't given the happy experiences of our lives just to be forgotten. They are gifts that we carry with us, so it is important to meditate on them, memorizing the feeling and the situation. Build a collection of them that are attached to the things that you carry with you. For instance, if your husband took you to a romantic dinner, and you were wearing a blue blouse, then wear that blue blouse when you need to spread that feeling to a new day. Throughout the day, think about how it made you feel, and deliberately carry it to the new day while wearing the blouse. I do the same for little things, even silverware, or my snow white BK tumbler that I insistently use at dinner.

We also build joyful rituals in our lives. Turn simple things, like dinner, into a ritual of joy. Just as I was required to do when I stayed with her, my family must have one person share a fun experience, or even a story that makes people laugh, before we leave the dinner table. My grandmother was only trying to teach us that we can learn to have power over our world. The sad are merely those who haven't learned this truth.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Halien I totally believe all that. I've read books on that subject as well because I think I have a tendency to carry other's moods as well. I've read that another thing you can do is decharge the negative moods by being in nature, water, around plants or flowers, sitting by a fire, that kind of thing. I find if I make a regular practice of decharging the negativeness I've gathered I'm less depressed.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Great post, Halien!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Halien said:


> My grandmother, a Creek Indian, claimed that this ran within our family. The difference, though, was was her belief that you could learn to give off this 'aura' in a way that impacts other people. She had a nickname for me that is a little too personal to mention, but it is more a less a person who walks with one foot in the spirit world. Really, though, I think its more about being attuned to body language, but the subject fascinates me. I'd say that the most important part of this, to me, is realizing the ways his moods overlap and become your own, and find ways to protect your emotions from his. Like the others said, the research can help to bring this home for you.


Your grandmother was very wise. She is probably correct in the fact that one can learn to give off a different aura--say a higher frequency. But, that would take a lot of meditation and work. My therapist also says that the trait runs in families. I believe it! Family time with my mother's side of the family gets interesting.



Halien said:


> My grandmother taught us at a young age that we aren't given the happy experiences of our lives just to be forgotten. They are gifts that we carry with us, so it is important to meditate on them, memorizing the feeling and the situation. Build a collection of them that are attached to the things that you carry with you. For instance, if your husband took you to a romantic dinner, and you were wearing a blue blouse, then wear that blue blouse when you need to spread that feeling to a new day. Throughout the day, think about how it made you feel, and deliberately carry it to the new day while wearing the blouse. I do the same for little things, even silverware, or my snow white BK tumbler that I insistently use at dinner.


This also works very well. That's also why I tend to keep certain photos around. As a child I learned to do this with certain stuffed animals. 

Thanks for sharing!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

The classic text here is "Are You Really Too Sensitive?" It's widely available. Having done a lot of personal research in this area, I believe that all humans have the capability to be an empath but very few develop it.This development is the point of several major religions. Those of us who are blessed to be born with this facility fully developed can have a problem if we are not able to turn it down
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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