# can we resolve this with separation?



## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

I'll make this as brief as possible, just looking for some input. I have been married to my h for about a year and we have been together for 6 years. We have always fought, but worked through our conflicts, although at times things were particularly nasty. We talked about all of this before we got married and agreed that we were very much in love and had been together for 5 years...also that we had been committed for a while and nothing was going to change that. A few months after we got married we started fighting and having communication issues on a daily basis. I wanted to see a counselor but he did not. I was angry about this and the general situation and was mean and hurtful to him verbally. Eventually, he began to tell me that he now thought we should seek help, and at that point I said no. I was hurt from before and bitter. Obviously, this was a mistake. About 5 months ago he told me that things had gotten to the point where he had lost trust and shut off emotionally, and he was reconsidering the relationship. At this point I became painfully aware of how my behavior was affecting us and apologized and agreed to go to counseling. Unfortunately, our therapist was incredibly unhelpful and we decided not to see him anymore. I wanted to go to somebody else, but my h didn't. For the last 5 months we have been getting along great, and my h says we are best friends, but he can't see anything beyond that. He says that he is attracted to me very much, but won't go there because he isn't emotionally connected to me in that way anymore. I am still in love with him and feel that if we are best friends and there is attraction between us, as well as the fact that we were madly in love for multiple years that we should continue to try to work on our relationship. My h feels that there is too much blocking off his heart and he wants to split up. However, he keeps saying things like "life is long, you never know what will happen," and "I care about you more than you know." He wants to stay friends, but I can't do that without hope for the future. At this point, he is planning to go stay with a friend, and is thinking about keeping in touch with potential hope while still personally moving on and maybe even dating. I am ok with this if it is my only option. I just don't know what to do, and I really want things to work out between us. I have changed my negative attitude since the real problems started, but my h is afraid that is isn't real and I'm only doing it because of the threat of losing him. Sadly, I have been surprised at how easy it has been to change my behavior. I feel much better and more confident as a person, and wish I would have acted sooner. I have agreed to go to therapy individually to prove myself. Many of these problems were a product of my anxiety, and we both know that. I would like very much to build a new foundation, but my h doesn't have faith in this. Is there any hope for us?


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

I also had alot of negative behavior that contributed to my current separation with my spouse. We were married 20 years. When I realized there was a significant problem, my W had arrived at the point where she had no emotional attachment to me, was done with us, and still couldn't trust me. I found changing my behavior wasn't necessarily easy but doable and I've been working on it for 20 months. During that time we tried counseling, vacations, dating, buying nice things for each other, but nothing I did could reignite the spark. I'm not trying to tell you there is no hope. What I am saying is it's important for you to be realistic that he may not be able to trust you. It feels like a kick in the stomach, and hurts badly. You need to consider that you may need to move on without him. The more my friends and counselor told me this, the easier it was to hear, understand, and act positively on. I'd suggest continuing IC regarding your negative traits (like we all have), and work on moving forward without him. Throwing yourself after him and pleading will drive him further away.


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## seekingaadvice (May 28, 2012)

I have made an appointment to see a new therapist. I am trying to avoid contact with my husband. He sent me a message about what we should tell our friends and I responded briefly and only once, while he sent a couple emails. He then texted me to see when I would be at the apartment and I just told him when I would be gone and said he could come then. I was not rude, just concise. I am hoping that leaving him completely alone for a week or 2 will have him re thinking. He knows that I plan to seek IC and that I love him and want it to work out.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Seeking: Going to IC is an excellent plan, regardless of what transpires with your husband. Good luck.


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