# New here. Hi ... and help!



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Hello 

My husband moved out in the summer. It was very sudden. He says he was surprised I didn’t see it coming but I honestly didn’t. He is living nearby in a rented place. We have children. He’s a good father. He said initially that he was leaving to get space and work through a few things in his head. In this time, I’ve tried my best to look after myself and our children. It’s a big effort everyday as I’m sure is normal. I have a few very good friends I can talk to who’ve been great but otherwise no family (parents have both passed away). I love him and I had reached a point in my life where I was so content shortly before he left. It’s been now 3 months and I’m still struggling. He hasn't asked for or mentioned divorce or reconciliation. We get on great as friends and I have tried very hard to be cheerful and keep things amicable but I have to dig very deep at times because I feel so badly wounded. I don’t like leaving the house now. I’m alright at work but find it very hard to cope even to a visit to the shops. I feel very lonely. My close friends tell me now that I need to accept that he isn’t coming back. I just don’t know how to even start to think about that. When he left he said he’d do certain things around the house etc. which hasn't happened. He said that if we could get the friendship back that would be a good start to possibly working on the marriage. But I haven’t seen any sign he really wants this. 
Any advice on how to cope?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hello
> 
> My husband moved out in the summer. It was very sudden. He says he was surprised I didn’t see it coming but I honestly didn’t. He is living nearby in a rented place. We have children. He’s a good father. He said initially that he was leaving to get space and work through a few things in his head. In this time, I’ve tried my best to look after myself and our children. It’s a big effort everyday as I’m sure is normal. I have a few very good friends I can talk to who’ve been great but otherwise no family (parents have both passed away). I love him and I had reached a point in my life where I was so content shortly before he left. It’s been now 3 months and I’m still struggling. He hasn't asked for or mentioned divorce or reconciliation. We get on great as friends and I have tried very hard to be cheerful and keep things amicable but I have to dig very deep at times because I feel so badly wounded. I don’t like leaving the house now. I’m alright at work but find it very hard to cope even to a visit to the shops. I feel very lonely. My close friends tell me now that I need to accept that he isn’t coming back. I just don’t know how to even start to think about that. When he left he said he’d do certain things around the house etc. which hasn't happened. He said that if we could get the friendship back that would be a good start to possibly working on the marriage. But I haven’t seen any sign he really wants this.
> Any advice on how to cope?


As things are he has the best of both worlds. He’s living the single life while you have all the responsibilities of the children and the house. See a lawyer yesterday and get custody and financial support arranged because this could last indefinitely if you allow him to behave as he is.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

See if you can meet his girlfriend.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you for your replies. I have asked him if there’s someone else and he denies it. There were red flags before he moved out, however. Secretive with phone. I don’t know what else I can do about that, I have no proof and anyone that knew him would find it hard to believe he could do that. I seem to be in an impossible position and I don’t know what to do for the best.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Moving out to get space and work through things is usually code for test driving new women. If he wanted to work on the marriage he would not have left. I would consult with a few attorneys, pick a good one, and file for divorce.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And because he can afford a apartment, he should pay to followup on his promises to do certain things around the your house. File (sorry for you) you don't deserve to be cheated on. And go and make a new life with someone else, who will love you because you deserve to be loved and wanted.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I have asked him if there’s someone else and he denies it. There were red flags before he moved out, however. Secretive with phone. I don’t know what else I can do about that, I have no proof and anyone that knew him would find it hard to believe he could do that. I seem to be in an impossible position and I don’t know what to do for the best.


He has a girlfriend.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I have asked him if there’s someone else and he denies it. There were red flags before he moved out, however. Secretive with phone. I don’t know what else I can do about that, I have no proof and anyone that knew him would find it hard to believe he could do that. I seem to be in an impossible position and I don’t know what to do for the best.


You dont ASK. They always lie! Did you really think he'd say YES if he were actually cheating?? NO. He wont. You need to LOOK for proof, on the down low and dont say a word til you have proof. If this man isnt cheating I will eat my shoe.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could find the evidence that he's cheating, but to what point? He's gone. The only chance you have now to get him back is to give him what he wants - NOT YOU. File for divorce. Don't be his friend. Don't let him come in your house. Drop the kids off at his apartment for the weekend. Let him see what divorced life is really like. It's the only way he'll ever respect and/or desire you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

This generally falls into one of two things:

1. You’re actually surprised because he hasn’t let you to believe there are problems, he’s started an affair and it’s progressed to the point where you’re inconvenient. 

2. He’s actually been telling you things for a while, you didn’t think it was that bad, and he gave up. 

It sounds a lot more like 1 than 2 to me. Is that true?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

He is probably having an affair, but he might not be. Why would it even matter? He pathetically abandoned his family. The reason doesn't matter. If he had personal or relationship problems and was a real man, he'd be trying to work through them with you. He's not trying. That's all you need to know. There is no reason to keep this pathetic guy. Talk to a lawyer about how to best protect you and your children in this situation and then act.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

He had been telling me for a while that there were problems but I didn’t think things were that bad. I wish I had.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Delilah1971 said:


> He had been telling me for a while that there were problems but I didn’t think things were that bad. I wish I had.


OK, I guess there’s a lesson to be learned in that. Why didn’t you think things were so bad?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I have asked him if there’s someone else and he denies it. There were red flags before he moved out, however. Secretive with phone. I don’t know what else I can do about that, I have no proof and anyone that knew him would find it hard to believe he could do that. I seem to be in an impossible position and I don’t know what to do for the best.


Asking him I he's cheating will not get you the truth. Cheaters lie.

Can you afford to have a PI follow him to see who he's spending time with?

Do you know what his schedule is when he's not around you?

He is most likely cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Delilah1971 said:


> He had been telling me for a while that there were problems but I didn’t think things were that bad. I wish I had.


What did he tell you were the problems?


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

I have no excuses, I should have listened and taken it all more seriously. I mistook his distance from me for contentment. Stupidly. I have apologised to him. 

He was very cold towards me initially when he left but has been warmer more recently. 

You are right, it is a very tough lesson to have learned.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sorry for your plight. Listen to good advice here.

See lawyer. Detach from him--he has shown you how he feels about you. He is a liar, and likely cheater.

Work on yourself--health, exercise, diet, meditation, etc. Don't let him determine your worth. Be a survivor, not a victim of ex's treachery. Beware of the hope that keeps seeping into your heart.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First I would bet money he is cheating. Besides that what were his specific complaints? How long have you been married? Do you have kids?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is the flip flop of the walk away wife syndrome. What were his issues with your marriage?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Delilah1971 said:


> I have no excuses, I should have listened and taken it all more seriously. I mistook his distance from me for contentment. Stupidly. I have apologised to him.
> 
> He was very cold towards me initially when he left but has been warmer more recently.
> 
> You are right, it is a very tough lesson to have learned.


Did he specifically talk about the problems or simply distance himself hoping you would inquire?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Delilah1971 said:


> I have no excuses, I should have listened and taken it all more seriously. I mistook his distance from me for contentment. Stupidly. I have apologised to him.
> 
> He was very cold towards me initially when he left but has been warmer more recently.
> 
> You are right, it is a very tough lesson to have learned.


That’s not really an answer.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Delilah1971 said:


> I have no excuses, I should have listened and taken it all more seriously. I mistook his distance from me for contentment. Stupidly. I have apologised to him.
> 
> He was very cold towards me initially when he left but has been warmer more recently.
> 
> You are right, it is a very tough lesson to have learned.


What could you have possibly learned? He’s still out of the house and you still don’t know why.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> What could you have possibly learned? He’s still out of the house and you still don’t know why.


too soon to tell. It could have been anything from her husband having unreasonable expectations, to him being totally reasonable. 

It could be salvageable if he is reasonable and she actually hears him, or maybe not. 

Imagine telling your wife for a while that you’re unhappy for understandable reasons, and having her not really do anything about it, and then detaching from the marriage... and watching your wife continue on happily like everything’s good. Which if I were the husband would tell me that I’m not really part of this marriage, I’m just a prop. And eventually, I’d just do what he did and leave as amicably as possible.

Or he could be abusive, or totally unreasonable, or a million different things. It’s fascinating that she’s looking for help but hasn’t yet actually articulated what the problem is beyond him leaving her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I have asked him if there’s someone else and he denies it. There were red flags before he moved out, however. Secretive with phone. I don’t know what else I can do about that, I have no proof and anyone that knew him would find it hard to believe he could do that. I seem to be in an impossible position and I don’t know what to do for the best.


Sadly they all say there is no one. Could you afford a PI so that you can know one way or another? It does seem very odd that he moved out when there really is no other apparent reason. Being secretive with phone is a strong indicator that he has another woman. :frown2:


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The simple answer is he was cheating all along.

As cheaters progress in the cheating they start inventing all kinds of problems in their mind about their marriage. That way they can justify the cheating in their mind. 

You didn't recognize any big issues because there very likely ARE NONE !

He is a cheater ..... end of story. It's not your fault.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Marduk said:


> too soon to tell. It could have been anything from her husband having unreasonable expectations, to him being totally reasonable.
> 
> It could be salvageable if he is reasonable and she actually hears him, or maybe not.
> 
> ...


Yeah, this exactly. 

Sometimes I am amazed by the certainty of TAM. A few unclear lines from someone who seems oddly reluctant to explain the problem, and it's all "hire a PI!" and "he's definitely cheating". We don't know. 

Or to be more specific, even if you think he's probably found someone else now that he's moved out, it's not clear if that was the original cause of the breakdown, or whether he decided to move out because the marriage was intolerable, and then possibly started looking around.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> The simple answer is he was cheating all along.


Yup, that is indeed "the simple answer".


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, this exactly.
> 
> Sometimes I am amazed by the certainty of TAM. A few unclear lines from someone who seems oddly reluctant to explain the problem, and it's all "hire a PI!" and "he's definitely cheating". We don't know.
> 
> Or to be more specific, even if you think he's probably found someone else now that he's moved out, it's not clear if that was the original cause of the breakdown, or whether he decided to move out because the marriage was intolerable, and then possibly started looking around.


When I first read the original post, my gut reaction was that this is a case of walk away wife syndrome, except that it was the husband. I was so ridiculously done with my marriage years before it ended, and I regularly imagined myself just up and walking away.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, this exactly.
> 
> Sometimes I am amazed by the certainty of TAM. A few unclear lines from someone who seems oddly reluctant to explain the problem, and it's all "hire a PI!" and "he's definitely cheating". We don't know.
> 
> Or to be more specific, even if you think he's probably found someone else now that he's moved out, it's not clear if that was the original cause of the breakdown, or whether he decided to move out because the marriage was intolerable, and then possibly started looking around.


The reason that its sometimes good to hire a PI is so that the other spouse can be sure one way or the other. Not because he is definitely cheating, but because its possible he is.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> > The simple answer is he was cheating all along.
> ...


“There were red flags and he was secretive with his phone”

Laurentium must be right. He had his screen brightness set too high and didn’t want to harm her eyes.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

regardless of the reason, you need to do the 180. Detach. He MUST take responsibility for the kids. He needs to know that he can't be a swinging bachelor and leave you with all the responsibility.

DId you make mistakes? probably. We are all human. 
Did you neglect your marriage? Possibly. We are all guilty of taking it for granted or we wouldn't be here.

But HE chose to move out. Could you have worked on it? Maybe. But if only one person is willing, its a tough go.
Being secretive with the phone is very telling. It often signals an affair or extra marital activity. Are you responsible for that? ABSOLUTELY NOT>

You are responsible for 50% of what happened. NO MORE

Just be careful.He may try to blame you for everything and try to come back with a rewritten rule book that puts you on the defensive.

Learn and grow, but don't be a doormat


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do you received money each week from him to support the kids?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@Delilah1971, not wanting to leave the house sounds like you are sliding toward clinial depression. Depression is not simple sadness, it is deeper, lack of desire to go out, lack of enjoyment, less desire to be around people, and many other things.

Antidepressants can help your brain chemicals so you aren't depressed and have motivation again. You don't have to be on them permanently, just while you are under this intense negative stress that has gotten you out of sorts. Please visit your Dr and tell him what you are going through and ask for meds.

The Dr. can also prescribe something so you can sleep restfully at night until you are at a better place.


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