# Thanks Mens clubhouse!



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I came in several months ago, probably over a year ago, and sought out advice from you guys about Words of Affirmation towards my husband. I had taken someone's advice to read the Five Love Languages with him, which identified his love language as WOA. This was news to me, and I didn't know how to handle it. You gentlemen ( as well as some ladies) got me on the path. 

I have learned how to speak my husbands language. Several of you suggested complimenting things that were more personal to him rather than the things most people know about him. I have learned to use this and stroke his ego without coming off a cheesy or uninspired. This is all because of you wonderful people showing me the way. I don't know that I would have figured it out alone. 

The flip side of this is that he is now comfortable sharing things with me. When he has a bad day ( he is deployed) he will now tell me he is having a bad day, affording me the opportunity to stroke his ego and be the person building him back up. These opportunities mean the world to me, as I feel we have become closer than we were before. 

I truly appreciate all the help men, and if you have any more insights, I am all ears! Thanks!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Hi Dawn...I remember you 

You were the wife willing to learn about helicopters or airplanes right?

Glad to hear things are well!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

blah, yeah, I was trying at least. Still am, but its harder with him deployed. But I have made up for lack of helicopter knowledge just by learning to speak his language better. Its has helped tremendously, and really does encourage him to want to return the favor. I still have the poster, and have it all labeled, but I have been slacking since he deployed LOL


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

DawnD said:


> blah, yeah, I was trying at least. Still am, but its harder with him deployed. But I have made up for lack of helicopter knowledge just by learning to speak his language better. Its has helped tremendously, and really does encourage him to want to return the favor. I still have the poster, and have it all labeled, but I have been slacking since he deployed LOL


Still think it's sweet & you're a good wife. He's lucky to have you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well done Dawn, I feel really pleased for both you and your H. You are a prime example of a wife learning to love her husband in the way he understands love. So now you have given him a massive gift and a true blessing in that not only does he know you love him but he also feels loved by you. And that feeling of your love will give him an immense security even amongst all the insecurity he feels while he is deployed. Honestly a man could wish for little more. I feel there are so many couples who go through their marriage each loving their partner but not actually feeling loved.

And you are also a prime example of The Four Stages of competence http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/35517-four-stages-competence.html.

In that before you came here there was a life skill that you didn’t even know you needed, that skill of loving your H in the way that actually made him feel loved. It does sound to me like you are now at the Unconscious Competent stage although I imagine it’s not totally second nature to you as yet.

But what a gem you are. Just as it says _“The individual may be able to teach it to others, depending upon how and when it was learned”_. And here you are letting others know about your success and at the same time thanking those who helped you. Your H is a blessed and lucky man but I feel certain he is very worthy of your love.

As Deejo would say you’ve learnt a new game and embodied it into your very nature and it will soon be a way of life for you. I reckon you will use it in other areas of your life if you are not doing so already, it is a greatly motivational skill spoken of in one of the biggest best selling life coaching books of all time.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

One of the things you might want to think about to extend your new found love language is to look for things you may be taking for granted. For example it is so easy to give words of affirmation after receiving a very thoughtful birthday present or maybe a surprise gift or a bunch of flowers. But those things which we take for granted are things we get every day and it’s not until we don’t get them that we actually appreciate them in a retrospective way.

Take my wife as an example. She was the engine room in the marriage. She did things day in day out for decades, washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. etc. It would have been so easy to take those types of things for granted and to never show appreciation for them. So maybe sit back a bit and think about what your H provides for you that you may be taking for granted. This may be things like his money going into the bank and then back out again to pay the bills, that sort of thing. It may be his strength and fortitude in troubled and stressful times. It may be the way he looks at you and holds you when you are together, it may be the strength you feel from him when together and when apart. If you have children it may be the example he is setting to them because of the good man he is.

So think what you may be taking for granted and give words of affirmation for them. Because these are the regular every day things then there’s the potential for going over the top. For example I set myself to thank my wife for every meal she ever put on the table but there are ways to do it such that it is very natural. I used to talk of the way the shirts magically made their way from the utility room into my wardrobe.

Those words of affirmation are very powerful things. They are powerful and beneficial because they demonstrate the value we bring to the table as a husband and as a man. Which means we are not taken for granted and makes us feel very secure in our marriage.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> One of the things you might want to think about to extend your new found love language is to look for things you may be taking for granted. For example it is so easy to give words of affirmation after receiving a very thoughtful birthday present or maybe a surprise gift or a bunch of flowers. But those things which we take for granted are things we get every day and it’s not until we don’t get them that we actually appreciate them in a retrospective way.


This I have actually done a lot of work on since someone mentioned WOA for things off the beaten path. I tell him how proud I am of him for providing us with enough money to save for our future as well as out children's future. He hears that just about every week. Especially around the holidays, when there are presents to be bought. He in turn appreciates the fact that I dont' spend carelessly. Nice cycle to be in with him!

I am still working on the everyday appreciation. The WOA aren't completely natural to me yet, but I have put in some deep work to make it my routine for now. Hopefully in time it will be more natural. 

I hate to have to admit this about myself, but I will for the sake of being honest. I used to see his need for WOA as weak. I thought it was insane that he would need me to "suck up" to him and considered it unmanly. Once you guys helped me turn around my thinking, it just became clear. It did take me a minute to realize just because his wants and needs were different, it didn't give me the right to think less of him because of it. THAT was the starting point. When you guys got that across to me, it started the process. That is a debt I can not repay to all of you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I hate to have to admit this about myself, but I will for the sake of being honest. I used to see his need for WOA as weak. I thought it was insane that he would need me to "suck up" to him and considered it unmanly. Once you guys helped me turn around my thinking, it just became clear. *It did take me a minute to realize just because his wants and needs were different, it didn't give me the right to think less of him because of it. *THAT was the starting point. When you guys got that across to me, it started the process. That is a debt I can not repay to all of you.


I think this is incredibly insightful, and something all of us need to remind ourselves about. Great to hear that things are working so well for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DawnD said:


> This I have actually done a lot of work on since someone mentioned WOA for things off the beaten path. I tell him how proud I am of him for providing us with enough money to save for our future as well as out children's future. He hears that just about every week. Especially around the holidays, when there are presents to be bought. He in turn appreciates the fact that I dont' spend carelessly. Nice cycle to be in with him!
> 
> I am still working on the everyday appreciation. The WOA aren't completely natural to me yet, but I have put in some deep work to make it my routine for now. Hopefully in time it will be more natural.
> 
> I hate to have to admit this about myself, but I will for the sake of being honest. I used to see his need for WOA as weak. I thought it was insane that he would need me to "suck up" to him and considered it unmanly. Once you guys helped me turn around my thinking, it just became clear. It did take me a minute to realize just because his wants and needs were different, it didn't give me the right to think less of him because of it. THAT was the starting point. When you guys got that across to me, it started the process. *That is a debt I can not repay to all of you.*


But you have for those who helped you with those words! It really is that simple :smthumbup:

Yes WOA can most certainly sound superficial. But take a look at Amazon.com: How To Win Friends and Influence People (9781439167342): Dale Carnegie: Books and How to Win Friends and Influence People - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. The book was written in 1936 and has sold some 15 million copies. A central part of the lessons in the book is WOA.

It’s about looking for, even searching for things people are doing “right” and bringing this to their and to others’ attention. Leaders know these things. Sometimes it feels the majority of people criticise and are totally blind to the good people do, most especially their spouses. That is of course until the person is no longer there. It took my mother some ten years after my father passed away to truly appreciate the things he did for her in their marriage. And she said she wished she knew when he was alive so she could thank him for all he did for her.

I think part of the reason WOA is sometimes seen as weak is because it is so very easy to do. After all it’s just “words”. But maybe thinking on “The pen is mightier than the sword” will have some meaning for you. And maybe you think to yourself is that truly all he really wants? And in many ways the answer is yes. A lot of men are powerfully motivated by the words their woman speak to them. You can turn us on as well as turn us off.

But it does need care, especially when starting out. For example I always go to great lengths not to be seen to be patronising to anyone. And if the affirmation is not sincere it will be seen as patronising. So sincerity in the words of affirmation are key. That means the person must have done something to get the WOA and the WOA is the recognition of what they did.

It really is simple. Us men are easy when you know how we work internally and you are a grand example of getting outside your comfort zone and learning a new life skill. And that life skill will be of value to you outside your marriage as well should you choose to use it in your career, for charity work etc.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I think this is incredibly insightful, and something all of us need to remind ourselves about. Great to hear that things are working so well for you.


 It would have been a whole lot easier if I would have listened when the men here tried to explain it to me. I am pretty sure some spent days beating me over the head with that fact and I was just too stubborn to admit that they were right. When it finally did come to me that they were, the light turned on and I was able to appreciate my H in a whole new light. Its never easy admitting you don't know your spouse as well as you think you do, but the information I got here has been priceless.

Thanks for the well wishes!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> But you have for those who helped you with those words! It really is that simple :smthumbup:
> 
> Yes WOA can most certainly sound superficial. But take a look at Amazon.com: How To Win Friends and Influence People (9781439167342): Dale Carnegie: Books and How to Win Friends and Influence People - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. The book was written in 1936 and has sold some 15 million copies. A central part of the lessons in the book is WOA.
> 
> ...



You speak the truth. I am going to go pick up that book for Christmas break so I can read it. Sounds like it might be really useful since I am not naturally a WOA person. Oddly enough, both of my children are benefitting from my using WOA with them as well. I have two small boys, and out relationship has gotten better since I have been trying to implement WOA's to most I come into contact with. I have been using it a lot, to try to get into the habit. They are a lot closer with me now, and my autistic son is REALLY enjoying my learning about it. 

I have been doing a lot of checking to make sure I am not patronizing, but I think the book will probably still serve as a great help to me in this!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DawnD said:


> You speak the truth. I am going to go pick up that book for Christmas break so I can read it. Sounds like it might be really useful since I am not naturally a WOA person. Oddly enough, both of my children are benefitting from my using WOA with them as well. I have two small boys, and out relationship has gotten better since I have been trying to implement WOA's to most I come into contact with. I have been using it a lot, to try to get into the habit. They are a lot closer with me now, and my autistic son is REALLY enjoying my learning about it.
> 
> I have been doing a lot of checking to make sure I am not patronizing, but I think the book will probably still serve as a great help to me in this!


I am so very pleased for you and your family. It will feel uncomfortable for you for a while and you will make some mistakes but it’s through those mistakes we learn. Practice makes perfect! The hand that rocks the cradle


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Amazon.com: The One Minute Manager (9780688014292): Kenneth H. Blanchard, Spencer Johnson: Books is along the same lines wrt WOA but a much quicker read, great for busy mums!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

There are two more ways to get WOAs through. A really good way is via a third party, this can be a person’s mother, father, sister, manager, colleague etc. What you do is praise your H to someone else in the hope that they repeat the praise to him. This works really well and I think it sometimes better than direct WOAs. Of course it sounds really good getting to your H via his son, it’ll make your H glow inside, "Mummy thinks you're the greatest guy in the world".

Another way is to use the opposite of a WOA. In a meeting with Sue present to say something like “I’ve given the project to Sue because I know she’ll right royally screw it up and I’ll have to rescue her”. This obviously needs using with caution and Sue would need to be an excellent project manager.

But this latter way of doing WOAs shows just how well the two people know one another and how very good they are at what they do. For example my wife cooked my #1 meal any where which was Christmas dinner. If she suggested having Christmas at home I ‘d say yes but it’ll just be crap dinner again and they’ll all be sick the next day. Never in near 4 decades was anybody sick from her meals. So the person needs to be exceptionally good at what they do otherwise it goes belly up. The highest praise I ever give anyone is this latter one.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Another way is to use the opposite of a WOA. In a meeting with Sue present to say something like “I’ve given the project to Sue because I know she’ll right royally screw it up and I’ll have to rescue her”. This obviously needs using with caution and Sue would need to be an excellent project manager.
> 
> But this latter way of doing WOAs shows just how well the two people know one another and how very good they are at what they do. For example my wife cooked my #1 meal any where which was Christmas dinner. If she suggested having Christmas at home I ‘d say yes but it’ll just be crap dinner again and they’ll all be sick the next day. Never in near 4 decades was anybody sick from her meals. So the person needs to be exceptionally good at what they do otherwise it goes belly up. The highest praise I ever give anyone is this latter one.


 I honestly don't think I am anywhere near ready to attempt this yet. The normal WOA's are still unnatural, and I literally have to ask myself about half way through my day if I have thanked him for something, or at least complimented something that I know he specifically did. This might be better used by me once his ego is fully healed and my skills are fully developed LOL. Could go REALLY wrong right now LMAO


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