# Not happy after wife's EA 1.5 year ago



## limbo50 (Jan 28, 2014)

I wish I would have found this site a year ago. I’ve made so many mistakes during my life after my wife’s EA. I think I’ve followed both the patterns of trying to ‘nice’ my way back into my wife’s good graces and finally finding my self-respect and standing firm. I’m passed all of that now, but I seem to be locked into a bad place of resentment and indecision. 

I guess I should start with some background. I’ve been married to my wife for 25 years. I was a single dad (son) at 24 when I met my wife who was a single mom (daughter) when she was 26. I can’t say we ever had a burning love, even back then, but we enjoyed each other and seemed to have a lot of common interests. We were married, and seemed to be pretty happy for the first 10 years or so. Maybe I should say that I was happy, because there were warning signs of dysfunction now that I look back at it. Probably the biggest thing was our inability to work things out. It just seemed that no matter how many angles I approached something, she could never move even a little to my point of view. I remember an on-going argument over the fact that we couldn’t spend more than I made at that time. We were constantly running a negative cash flow. She would hound me about taking vacations that we couldn’t afford. It just seemed like I wasn’t living with a partner, but with someone I could never satisfy. 

Given those problems, we did everything together. Camping, biking, going to the kids sporting events, scouts, church. All the things I thought a marriage should be about. We basically ignored our issues since we could never work them out. Every once in a while, I would lose my temper and raise my voice to her. This happened very infrequently (a few times a year). It was usually when I got so frustrated over our inability to talk about things. She, on the other hand, would pick fights with me when she was in a bad mood. It seemed to me this was a bad habit she had picked up from her parents relationship.

I didn’t like it, but I let it pass. A very bad habit now that I look back at things. Another big problem was her inability to forgive. After 20 years, we were still talking about the wrongs that happened 15 years ago. I have a few key friends that I enjoy spending time with. I am by no means a social person, but was very happy with the few friends that I have. She on the other hand, never seemed to have a great social network outside of our family. That changed about 5 years ago when she took up roller skating with a group of people that travel all around the country and area to different skating events. I tried to share this part of her life at the time but had back issues that really limited me. I was happy that she had found something to enjoy and people to be social with. 

Many of the skater’s have skating partners they travel with. Its basically ballroom dancing on skates. What started out as one night a week, moved to two nights and ‘special skates’ that seemed to be every other weekend or so. She always traveled with a guy that I met and trusted. He was married and seemed to be an average guy. I had put my foot down the week before and had told her she was becoming obsessed with skating. All of our weekends now how to be scheduled around skating. All she could think about was the next skate and getting ready for it. I felt like our marriage will slipping out of my hands and I couldn’t stop it. I tried to talk with her about it, but of course she could never see my point of view. 

I had finally gotten back surgery around this time, and she was very resentful that she finally had to do things around the house. I had gotten into a habit of doing most of the cooking and cleaning and anything else that needed done. It got so bad, she was unwilling to pick her newspapers off the floor that I might trip over. She was also disconnecting from my children’s lives at this point. My son had to rely on me for most of his school help and scout events. I could never talk to her about any of this. She would just deny everything. All of the things that we used to enjoy, we no longer did. I was so blind to what was happening. 

I never would have guessed in a million years that anything was going on until I looked at her email one night. The note read ‘If we’re caught, we’re dead’ …. . I confronted her with this and she admitted that she had lied about going to the mall the next day. She was going to meet the guy for a ‘special skate’ instead. This is after I had told her that she need to decide what is important to her. Me or skating. I think she could have told me anything and I would have believed her. I was so blind and stupid to what was going on. Things continued to slip away even more after she found facebook. All she wanted to do was be in our bedroom on facebook. I was living a lonely life and was confused and sad. This continued until one weekend when I finally relented and said she could go on an over-night skate to a different state. She was planning on sharing a house with two other women. She would leave after a major family party with both her family and mine. The party ran late, most of our families were there when they other guy showed up to leave for the over-night trip. I was shocked about this. I confronted her and she claims that she had told me all about it. I told her that there is no way it was okay with me for her to leave, but she ignored me and left anyway. I felt humiliated in front of both out families. I think this is what finally raised major ‘red flags’ to me. I think I briefly hit this site and saw a note about keyloggers. 

I’m trying to make this short but 25 years is a long time. Anyway, I finally found out that she was flirting with this man basically all day through texts, and then all night when she was home up on facebook. They were setting times that they would meet on facebook. From what I gathered, this had been going on for almost a year. Nothing overtly sexual, but it was very flirty. I can’t tell you how shocked and hurt I was. My life was completely shattered by this. I think it was all of the lies and lying that hurt me the most. I wanted to try and verify if it was only an EA (I didn’t even know what that was at the time) or a PA, but he was going to pick her up the next day. I confronted her that I knew about the texting and all of the lies she had been telling. I told her I wanted her to break off all contact with the man and never see him again. She tried to deny everything. I think she told me they were ‘Just Friends’ about a million times. I remember doing a lot of crying and being a complete mess. How weak I was then. I basically told her it was ‘Him’ or ‘Me’. I was 100% sure she would apologize, but she hesitated before she told me she wouldn’t see him again. She didn’t offer any excuses other than to tell me how horrible of a husband I was and how she wasn’t attracted to me. This was a shock to me because she always has refused to talk with me about our issues. I agreed to let her skate as long as she wouldn’t see the guy again. 

This lasted one week. They just happened to meet at the ‘next skate’ a week later. I asked her and she admitted they happened by each other and spent most of the night together. I freaked out and told her to get the ‘F’ out of the house. She left and was sitting in the car ready to go when I had a panic attack about losing everything and went out crying and begging her to come back. She came back in and we tried to talk. She denied everything and continued to blame shift all of our problems to me. 

I was mad at myself for being so weak. I got pissed the more I thought about this other guy still trying to see my wife while I was going through the most painful time of my life. I decided to get a little bit of my dignity back and confront the guy at work with the purpose of humiliating him in front of his co-workers. I’m not a violent man (I’ve been in 2 fights my entire life) but I was ready to go that day. He works at an auto body place and was with a client when I showed up. I walked in and made a huge screaming scene that eventually ended up in the parking lot. It never came to blows, but I had made my point. He called my wife that night and said he was giving up skating. It turns out that many of his co-workers knew his wife and he had to admit to at least some of what was going on. He quit facebook that same day, I know because his last post is that day. 

We started MC and the wife admitted that she thought she loved him and wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with me. Through MC, I learned that we had never really had a healthy marriage. She kept talking about my wife’s lack of empathy and told me when I was alone one day that she believed my wife has a narcissist personality disorder and that I would never really be happy no matter what I did. She also said that I have co-dependent traits. After much reading, I can see the truth in that. My trust in my wife was shattered, so I continued keylogger. I eventually found a hidden email account where she was texting another skater guy with the same flirty comments. This time, she was also very negative about me. This all came out and I think it was what led to the ‘Co-dependent’ comment from the MC. I probably should have walked away then but I didn’t. She was claiming that she felt like an ‘addict’ and needed another emotional fix. She claimed that she had decided to break it off, but didn’t have a chance before I found the account. More pain and crying and pathetic weakness from me.

How do you give up on 25 years ? How do you give up on everything you have in life ? That was what was going through my mind when I walked by a wall of family photos and saw a picture of my son and wife at a fair a few years before. I just melted into a pile of hurt. I told her I would forgive her again if she would try to come back. (How I regret my weakness ….)

We continued MC with no real movement. I had learned about healthy marriages and was finally getting stronger and more confident about myself. I could see that I didn’t really have anything unless I expected more. I wrote down a list if expectations (things like ‘give and take’, ‘forgiveness’, ‘respect’,communication’ ….. I told my wife I was going to expect these things, or we should go our own ways. 

That lasted a few days until she came into my room and told me she had never been attracted to me. She wanted a divorce. I was pretty much ready for this also at this point. I was sick of her not even trying. The talk of her being a narcissist had really changed my opinion also. She told our kids and her parents over the next few weeks but didn’t get much sympathy. Many of her family told me how selfish she was being. 

Long story short ( I know, too late) a few months later, she begs my forgiveness and asks to come back. I still had my contract from before and told her I would not even think about it unless she signs the paper and agrees to everything. She said she would and how she didn’t really mean all of the horrible things she said to me. 

Its now a few months after that and I feel …. Discouraged. We still don’t talk about our issues. She still doesn’t have any empathy about how I feel when she’s leaving to go on skating or demanding open access to all social media. She still seems to care about herself first. Is she trying ? I think in her own way she is. I don’t think she is cheating anymore, but what about the future ? I find myself living with someone I can’t trust. I’m not sure If I love her anymore. I was planning my life without her, and was honestly looking forward to finding someone who could think of me. 

I’ve read on one of these sites that the worst thing you could do is to stay and not forgive. That seems to be where I’m at now. Any suggestions ? I’d welcome your input


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You need the upper hand. Dump her. She hasn't begged enough. Go have some casual sex, rebuild your self esteem and confidence. Find your balls. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to keep them in fear.


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## limbo50 (Jan 28, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Go have some casual sex...


I still have my self-respect. Not going there.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The problem is that for as long as your wife is being untreated for her personality disorder (and it seemed like a guess from your MC and not an official diagnosis) or at least goes sees someone to be properly diagnosed, then she really has no tools to do anything different.

I don't know a whole lot about narcissism as a personality disorder, but here is what a blurb from the good ol internetz have to say...probably quoting the DSM:

*Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder*

_



In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

*X* Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
*X* Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
*X* Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
*X* Requires excessive admiration
*X* Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
*X* Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
*X* Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
*X* Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
*X* Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

As with all personality disorders, the person must be at least 18 years old before they can be diagnosed with it.

Narcissistic personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females, and is thought to occur in less than 1 percent in the general population.

Like most personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people experiencing few of the most extreme symptoms by the time they are in the 40s or 50s.

Click to expand...

_There is no doubt that you can do a lot to change your self perception and how you handle yourself..and perhaps should continue in that vein...'cos even if you are aren't healthy enough to see with enough clarity about your next step, then keep on that road to fixing yourself....and try to stress less about your wife's shenanigans while you get to a high point where you get healthy enough to make the most healthy decision.

I am sorry to read your laments over your wife..as it seems she is a big drain and has a lot of needs. If she is indeed NPD or something similar, then it isn't something that goes away easily and is someone who need STIFF boundaries or else they will go wild...personalities will also always test boundaries, so you really won't get much respite from it, but you are gonna have a bad time if you are consistent, clear, firm, and consistent. Did I say consistent? It is also understandable how you could become a codependent to her...as it may be predispostion, but also just what happens when loved ones are ill...and one tries to hold the family afloat.

You CAN'T fix her...not gonna happen, but you can delineate what is an acceptable role for her as your wife as well as work with her about the acceptable outlets that she would like. But if she keeps fighting the boundaries, not talking about her problems, not getting help, regresses...then I think you may have your answer.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You need the upper hand. Dump her. She hasn't begged enough. Go have some casual sex, rebuild your self esteem and confidence. Find your balls. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to keep them in fear.


She has to know through the limbic brain that you are still desirable
that will get her jumping your bones.
It works.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Wow. I thought I was in a bad place. This is a difficult situation. For me, I think a relationship is over when she says she doesn't love you any more. I just can't see how there is any way back from that. No matter what she says, those thoughts are deeply engrained and will always be there. I think this is one of the best situations I have seen where it seems pretty cut and dry. I know that is difficult to hear. If it was me, I'd be plucking every ounce of courage I had to end it permanently.
Sorry.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

going to be very honest with you, and if you don't believe me please read many other threads here where it went the same way.

your wife most lilkely had sex with this man, it was not an EA but a full blown affair, women don't mention divorce just for an EA, they have to be emotionally and physically commited to the man they want to go defore leaving the stability that the BS offers, I may be wrong but so many cases here where the wife just admitted an EA but talked about divorce and the a full blown affair was revealed.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Wow youve taken a fair beating here.
Ok you.... You can NOT show signs of any weakness. Youve already allowed her to see what impact she is to you and to a degree that fed her Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

You do need to be clear and straight in your own mind what you want out of all of this. Do you want her or do you want "someone". There is a massive difference - there are many female out there that want loving and respectful partners. You have to push your self to toughen up. You have a long bumpy road ahead.

You can put her in a position and make it clear that the issues youve pointed here are to a degree because iof her attitude and mindset. You can say this because youve been told the same at MC. 
You can set up the boundries and state - follow the accept rules or shes out..

You can state that as she has lied consitantly that you will expect nothing less than trasparency in all things, no hidden accounts not FB no deletions on any phone computer or anything else. Nights out with her GFs ok with guys not ok. No room for negociation at all.
GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW!
Get a STI test NOW!. If shes lied as much as you say then EA is a light weight compared to the line this post has followed. 
You might even push her to that as well. No one, even a lawer will play it down as your trying to protect your safety here.
Commit to your children and your life, dont let her push you into the "have stay at home to make it work " scenario. It sounds as if there is little in her for the future with you and I guess if you dropped her on her butt today shed find another who would suffer the same fate.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

limbo50:

Just because you agreed to let her move back and 'try again' does not mean you have to take her behavior for another 25 years. You have JUST AS MUCH RIGHT AS HER (maybe more as the betrayed spouse) to say "We tried; it's not working for me, we're done."

If you're done, tell her so. Move on with your life. Your life is limited. If you want to find happiness before you're too old, then you need to choose those things, that life, that makes you happy! Hanging onto an unhappy past and an unhappy present is not going to get you a happy future.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry Limbo, but you are her meal ticket.

She's been calculating in her head, fighting with her inner hamster, and knows that you will provide the greatest stability. Now she says she's sorry for what happened and expects you to behave like a revolving door and let her back in.

If she truly has NPD or even traits of NPD, she is very childish. Do you spoil children when they misbehave by giving them more candy and entitlement (i.e. "cake")? No. You shut that right down.

I really do feel your pain, because every time you commented on things such as feeling so "stupid," it reminded me that I once felt the same way when I had been deceived. It sounds like you aren't seeing the results that were promised, and now you have to suffer inside of the rut you dug yourself. That's not true at all. You have the ability to control and change your situation, but it's going to take some confidence and elbow grease on your part.

When you say that her leaving gives you anxiety, what are you anxious about, exactly? Are you forecasting some sort of doom for your life or your future? The future is usually unwritten, no matter how we try to influence it one way or another. Don't fall into the trap of a self-fulfilled prophesy because of your fear. Fear = the control she still has over you.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

She is trickle truthing you. There is about zero chance this is just an EA. She has had sex with this guy and you need to realize that. 

You need to start doing a hard 180 and working on yourself. She has found another life that does not include you (the skating thing). Time for you to do the same. Stop maker HER the center of your world. YOU ARE THE CENTER OF WORLD !

You need to realize that the marriage you had is over. She killed it. If you are to save it, she must be truly remorseful. She currently is not, and its most likely because the affair is on going.

I would file for D ASAP and have her served. That should rock her world. You need to be prepared to end your marriage sometimes if you want to save it.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You say it was just an EA but from everything you've shared here it sure looks like it went physical at some point.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

limbo50 said:


> I still have my self-respect.



Right. Of course you do. I can read that clearly.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Why in the world is she still involved in this skating business? Sounds like you've been through hell and back and nothing has changed. At 50 years of age you still have plenty of time for a good life with someone else.

But at least she's given us a new euphemism for the down and dirty: "special skate."


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## limbo50 (Jan 28, 2014)

Thank you all for your insight. I've decided to really press my wife to either resolve things or end things. I started tonight with a note I wrote to her that laid out my feelings. No more messing around. I've come to the conclusion that I'll never have trust in our marriage unless everything is out on the table. I basically told her that I'm ready to end things (witch I am). I've been feeling this way for some time now, but maybe needed the extra push. I think I've come to the conclusion that it might be better to move on, but I'll try this one last time to see if we can figure things out. I've already told her that. I've found over the last year that we communicate better in writing so there is no twisting of things.

To tell you the truth, all of the hurt over the last year is mostly passed. I think I'm good now. I'm ready to move on. Maybe that's what I want now. We'll see how things go.... It's up to her ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Limbo, actions over words. Your note will not carry as much weight as the actions you take. If you do write a note, I suggest you tie it to a balloon and let it go because that's about as much sticking power as it will have on her. Doing something will demonstrate your seriousness, and don't discuss with her what you will do, just do it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Limbo----a note---come on---your weakening again

You say what is needed to be said---FACE TO FACE---if you can't do that---then you have no hope

Whether she likes it or not ---the skating probably should stop, and she needs to find something she can do with you

If you 2 are to make whatever time you have left on this planet work---you need to start doing things and having interests together

You are both right around 50 yrs---in another 10 yrs you probably will both retire----your kids will be out of the house---and you will be spending 24/7/365 together---you better have all of this figured out---or you are in for a very miserable future

No matter what your wife is or isn't----she needs to decide if she wants to be with you or not---and if she decides to stay---she needs to give you 100% of herself, accept/allow/take NOTHING LESS


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