# Countdown to Divorce - Cheating She-Devil



## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Been reading these threads for a while - as my wife cheated. Been going through the same journey as many others and feel ready now to make the break. She's out now. Came home from work at 7, disappeared to the bathroom then her room (yes, we've separate rooms) door closed. Then a swift 'I am going out' to my son and she was gone. I doubt she'll be back tonight.

I am not really mad at her, our marriage is over/has clearly been over for a long time, I am just the dupe who keeps everyone in financial comfort and has completely closed sown his own life as this thing of a marriage, this web of lies and deceit, this charade stumbled on. 

But now I am determined to bring it to an end. I've tried to protect the kids but now they must be damaged to watch her behave like this... To treat me like this. No-one believes the strained smile any longer. It's over.

I am going to see a solicitor in the next week or so. I'd like to journal the journey, to touch base.

BTW - The facts - We have both just turned 50, young 50 kids 13 and 21, we ve been together about 30 years. It was always wild.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How long has this been going on? Does she have a boyfriend?


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

I first found out about an affair, summer 2012, something weird she'd written, a letter of sorts in her bag. Took me back when we began, everything came in notes. Enough for me to check her texts. She was obviously screwing him. I confronted her, she denied it and went onto teh attack, usual MO, accusing me of all sorts of relationships none of which was true. Smoke and mirrors. I have a horrible feeling that this could have gone on for years. But I think there are others. She's totally gone off the rails. I am even doubting whether my son is my own.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why are you hesitating to file?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

man I am sure that if you took this decission after so many years of marriage is because in necessary, is good to do what is best for you and your kids, and unlike many people think that is not always staying together for the sake of the kids.

keep moving foward, and good luck, no man have to live with someone who has lost respect for him as his family


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Why are you hesitating to file?


I'm trying to protect the family, maintain the myth. I believe my kids are entitled to have 2 parents. I said I'd try to last till my youngest was 16. 

But also... I think she's burned all my bridges. When its over I'll be alone maybe for the next 40 years. I figured a bit of time now wouldnt make much difference against that timescale. 

I also think I am hoping she will just move out, make the first move but she's too smart for that and also too weak.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

manticore said:


> man I am sure that if you took this decission after so many years of marriage is because in necessary, is good to do what is best for you and your kids, and unlike many people think that is not always staying together for the sake of the kids.
> 
> keep moving forward, and good luck, no man have to live with the with someone who has lost respect for him as his family


Thanks. I know it's over but... My wife is a life force, nothing ends quietly. Is why I call this the she-devil. She's so f**in strong emotionally.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

File already.

She does not respect you. Respect yourself. 

You need her out of your life.

Let her go, she is already gone. She is poison to you. Your system can not take too much poison.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> File already.
> 
> She does not respect you. Respect yourself.
> 
> ...


All of this is 100% true. On all counts. I just can't visualise teh alternative other than becoming a lonely sad old man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> All of this is 100% true. On all counts. I just can't visualise teh alternative other than becoming a lonely sad old man.


How you end up is all on you. If you don't want to be a lonely sad old man, why would you become one. The first thing you have to do is ditch the self pity. Take "the guy"s mantra. , "When ever you feel things sliding keep saying I deserve good things."

Your only fifty? That doesn't sound like your wife has given up on life, just you.

Get out start doing things you have held back on. Get some new clothes. Start weight lifting, its the best exercise with the fastest benefits. See your mc for temporary medical help. Get a new haircut. Start going out to new places. There is a whole world out there but you have to cowboy up.

You know for a fact she has a boyfriend? who is it?


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> How you end up is all on you. If you don't want to be a lonely sad old man, why would you become one. The first thing you have to do is ditch the self pity. Take "the guy"s mantra. , "When ever you feel things sliding keep saying I deserve good things."
> 
> Your only fifty? That doesn't sound like your wife has given up on life, just you.
> 
> ...


I've done the gym thing for a few years, probably in the best condition of my life. Ironically that may have factored into her shedding 3 stone the last year or so. Or maybe not. The giy I know about is teh security guy at her work, usual story though I think it's much deeper (worse) than that. I'm just at an all time low mentally. It's taken its tole on my self esteem, my libido and to be honest I can't seem to see any light at the end of teh tunnel. I've lost my friends (she saw to that) and can't refocus. I feel a bit like.. And this may sound twee, but I feel like the guy out of Lord of the Rings, the king whose wormtongue has convinced him its the end of the line. I know getting free from this would be great for me but she's conditioned me. Really, this is one very tough lady. She's so much stronger than I am. Sorry that makes me sound a total wuss I know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Aaronsmid said:


> All of this is 100% true. On all counts. I just can't visualise teh alternative other than becoming a lonely sad old man.


Alone doesn't have to mean lonely.

Make sure you keep a strong bond with your children.

And remember, CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know covers UK cheaters, now.

And we are here for you.:smthumbup:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you will be fine. Think of it as the next chapter in you life. your crazy life you never know how it will twist and bend.

was talking to a friend/ aquatince the other day and he was telling me how his first marriage failed because his wife of 20 yrs cheated on him and then took him to the bank so to speak. And now he has a woman hes been happy with for 20yrs, hes 60! 

what would want your children to do if they were in your shoes?
make it your mission to live well and move on people who take advantage of other are miserable inside they hate eveyone and act like their are the greatest. But in their heart they know they can put a patch on your a$$.

good luck and I look forward to reading your journal.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

A stone equals about 14lbs for anyone confused.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Aaron, I met my hb when I was 31 and he was 50. It's been almost 9 years now.....but you absolutely must get yourself into shape and put the ex behind you. No decent woman is going to get involved with someone still po'd at his ex and projecting the attitude of "i'm going to be a lonely old man". Very unattractive....pull yourself together! My hb said his life started at 50 when he met me! Of course my life started at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Aaron, I met my hb when I was 31 and he was 50. It's been almost 9 years now.....but you absolutely must get yourself into shape and put the ex behind you. No decent woman is going to get involved with someone still po'd at his ex and projecting the attitude of "i'm going to be a lonely old man". Very unattractive....pull yourself together! My hb said his life started at 50 when he met me! Of course my life started at the same time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I genuinely think new relationships are like, 10 years from now if eva for me. I'll never allow any woman near me again emotionally. I accept that makes me an unattractive bunny no matter how much I work out but genuinely, I have no expectation of ever remarrying. And I don't see that as a bad thing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Aaronsmid said:


> I genuinely think new relationships are like, 10 years from now if eva for me. I'll never allow any woman near me again emotionally. I accept that makes me an unattractive bunny no matter how much I work out but genuinely, I have no expectation of ever remarrying. And I don't see that as a bad thing.


It isn't necessarily, it's just sad to see you close your mind to such a possibility. You're not in a good emotional state to make such judgments anyway. We were both divorced too. Give it time; my hb says he had just decided that he was ready for something long term and serious when we met. He'd been divorced for 5 years, separated for several before that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> It isn't necessarily, it's just sad to see you close your mind to such a possibility. You're not in a good emotional state to make such judgments anyway. We were both divorced too. Give it time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, you are very kind. I just know that I've had my life partner. It was pretty crappy lol but I do believe it was meant to be. There won't be anyone else.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> I've done the gym thing for a few years, probably in the best condition of my life. Ironically that may have factored into her shedding 3 stone the last year or so. Or maybe not. The giy I know about is teh security guy at her work, usual story though I think it's much deeper (worse) than that. I'm just at an all time low mentally. It's taken its tole on my self esteem, my libido and to be honest I can't seem to see any light at the end of teh tunnel. I've lost my friends (she saw to that) and can't refocus. I feel a bit like.. And this may sound twee, but I feel like the guy out of Lord of the Rings, the king whose wormtongue has convinced him its the end of the line. I know getting free from this would be great for me but she's conditioned me. Really, this is one very tough lady. She's so much stronger than I am. Sorry that makes me sound a total wuss I know.


So what are you going to do about it? You can wallow in the self pity, or you can change things.

Call up an old friend and make plans to get together. When she comes in, tell you are heading out and leave her there.

Also, get counseling. You are currently your own worst enemy.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Thanks for all the feedback. I'm going to maybe see a solicitor next week. Will update the thread afterwards. 

Not really got a clue what I'll say to them. I guess it boils down to, do I leave or stick it out. The law seems a total arsehole. I read like... 'Kick her out' in other threads but just don't visualise how that works in reality other than me maybe getting locked up. Just can't see it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Aaronsmid said:


> I know getting free from this would be great for me but she's conditioned me. Really, this is one very tough lady. *She's so much stronger than I am.* Sorry that makes me sound a total wuss I know.


Aaron my man, how can I say this. Bullsh-t. Overcoming this power you erroneously believe she has over you is what you have willfully given her. You're going to have to make a determination to use the force of your will to control your feelings. Tell me Dawg, what can she do to you that you don't let her do? 
As far as living a lonely rest of your life, you haven't been out very much and checked the inventory of available chicks have you? At 50, if you have a job and average looks, you can replace this disloyal harpy with a much younger model. 
This has been said many times and in many ways but here's my way. I owned a herbicide contracting business a few years back. One thing you learn is when someone has been exposed to toxic material is to first get them out of the vicinity of the toxicity. They cannot begin to recover until they are removed to a "clean" area. You know where I'm going with this, right?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Besides, if your wife is a strong as you say and after reading your posts I'd bet that your wife despises your weakness. You could be in the best physical shape there is but that alone will make you very unattractive. That's how us alpha women roll.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Strong is as strong does. With each show of strength and decisiveness on your part, however small, you increase your own strength and confidence.

Define a goal a day and see it through. Take back control. There's a difference between strength and control. Your WW controls you. That doesn't mean she is strong.

You can be strong yourself, however, by standing up for your own right to live a decent life. Strong is as strong does, so start doing.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Aaronsmid said:


> All of this is 100% true. On all counts. I just can't visualise teh alternative other than becoming a lonely sad old man.


 Bull$h!t!. Friend I was 43 when my marriage ended. I stayed single for 17 years and reunited with an old girlfriend and that lasted 9 months and became single again. I didn't say lonely. I said single. 

As I write this, I'm a 66 year old man. No I don't have a woman in my life and don't want one, that doesn't mean I'm lonely. 

I found this forum a few months ago and have heard so many times about a guy whose either afraid of being alone or needs to have someone with them. 

At one time I was 50. Single and on a few occasions dated a few women. Some were friendship and some were friends with benefits. (Wink wink) The one thing that I liked about being single was I did what I wanted to do. Ate when and what I wanted. Didn't have to fight over the remote. Scratched my ass and didn't have to worry if I was offending anyone. 

When I retired, I slept in. If I felt like doing something I did it. Now as we speak my health is bad. Emphysema, so I'm limited but if you ask me if I'm happy, then the answer is yes I am. I talk to my daughter twice a week. We go out to dinner once or twice a month, and if it comes down to if I would want to be with someone who is making my life miserable and disrespecting me day in and day out and being by myself...................take a guess which one I would pick. I was married twice and both failed by infidelity although I didn't know until after we were divorced, life right now is pretty good. Wish my health was better but then I look at it this way. There's always someone worse off than me.

Don't worry. At 66 years old, 50 isn't. Enjoy your life without the misery that your going through now and enjoy your kids. Take care and good luck. You'll be fine.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have a feeling that after all these years with this she devil...that these are not even your own words.

I bet 30 years ago you would have never written this kind if trash. But now you are here writing the words your she devil has brain washed you with.

Sorry mate your wife is wrong and I bet you have a lot to offer to a lot of people and have more going for you then your wife has let you believe.

You admit she is the devil but yet you believe all the crap she has feed you for years.

I'm willing to wager that even a few weeks away from her influence will change your out look.


Get the hell out of there she is emotionally killing you....sir you are so close to emotionally being dead that you have to save your self to save your kids.

Do you travel? when was the last time you were in an airplane?
Do you remember the safety instructions the stewards give?

You always put the oxygen mask on first before you put it on your children...do you see the analogy here?


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Aaronsmid.... cant you see what this person made of you? You seem not to have anymore self respect. You put yourself so down that you consider your future sad and ugly.... 
Comm'on! STOP IT! 
You just need to understand that NOTHING can be worst then what is happining NOW!! Once you begin a new life you will see a new light....
all you got to do is walk into it!


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Women can be manipulative - more often than men - and use others to their benefits. 

But objectively, you know your marriage is over, your wife knows that too. The dufference is she has started to build her future life without you already. 

Your decition. Is only 13 year old living with you? I understand when people stay for the kids but i do not understand when they fully sacrifice their lives to kids or spouses.

You need to find some new interests, put some new plans - it is really important to have something to look forward.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Aaronsmid said:


> Thanks, you are very kind. I just know that I've had my life partner. It was pretty crappy lol but I do believe it was meant to be. There won't be anyone else.


Aaron

Lean over and punch yourself in your balls.

Feel the pain. Savor it. God gave us balls for a reason and that is to use them.

Life partners are for life. Your wife is not your life partner. She is a cheater and it sounds like she has been a cheater for a while.

File for divorce.
Have her served at work.
Have the OM named in the divorce if you can in your country.
Do not warn your wife of any of your plans.
Surprise her. She deserves it!!!

Have your kids DNA tested so you know. It is fine if you love them and have raised them. It is not ok if you are not their father.

So wake up. Take control of your life and what is left of your family. 

You will never be a lonely old an if you have two sons. 

Now make it your mission to find a loyal, loving woman and find your boys a real Mom.

Start today.

HM


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude get meds. You are depressed.

Whether she is officially yours (exclusive) or just a few FWB women are a great addition to a mans life.

Do your kids know mom is boinking a security guard? Interesting thing. 

Are you employed? >35 the dating power balance shifts from female to male, especially if you are one of the shrinking pool of employable males. This trend is going to really start shifting younger and younger as females are now DOMINATING college diplomas now. This is a bad bad bad trend for society.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Aaronsmid said:


> I genuinely think new relationships are like, 10 years from now if eva for me. I'll never allow any woman near me again emotionally. I accept that makes me an unattractive bunny no matter how much I work out but genuinely, I have no expectation of ever remarrying. And I don't see that as a bad thing.


Happened to me. My first LTR girl friend cheated on me with a woman and I did not date for several years, until a married couple set me up on a blind date with a friend of theirs.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Saturday PM 23rd - The She-Devil arrived home at lunch grinning like a Cheshire Cat. She holds all the cards plus she is deep man, and I suspect I only know one fifth of what she is up to. You see I remember what it was like when we started out, the extremes she went to. Some other poor guy no doubt getting under her spell now. 

I threw this out there to I guess get the guts to go for the divorce. No -one seems to think that's a bad idea. Lol It'd be like advising someone to stay in front of a train I guess. Okay! I hear you all shouting GET OUTTA THE WAY!

Thanks for all the replies. Here are some answers to what I saw as outstanding issues/questions etc.



ThePheonix said:


> Tell me Dawg, what can she do to you that you don't let her do?....


She's capable of anything... I mean... ANYTHING!



ThePheonix said:


> One thing you learn is when someone has been exposed to toxic material is to first get them out of the vicinity of the toxicity. They cannot begin to recover until they are removed to a "clean" area. You know where I'm going with this, right?


Totally. That's very clear and strikes a chord. Just got to find teh practical steps.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Besides, if your wife is a strong as you say and after reading your posts I'd bet that your wife despises your weakness. You could be in the best physical shape there is but that alone will make you very unattractive. That's how us alpha women roll.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't argue with this.I've just reached the point that attracting another female just doesn't matter to me. To be honest I've always been a loner in hindsight, never had trouble meeting women when I was young but never really thought about relationships and then this happened. If I was a woman I definitely wouldn't take me on, beyond a physical fumble. So I totally get what you are saying.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Strong is as strong does. With each show of strength and decisiveness on your part, however small, you increase your own strength and confidence.
> 
> Define a goal a day and see it through. Take back control. There's a difference between strength and control. Your WW controls you. That doesn't mean she is strong.
> 
> You can be strong yourself, however, by standing up for your own right to live a decent life. Strong is as strong does, so start doing.


Thanks - I think I need to just get there in a very practical sense. Without hurting the kids.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

the guy said:


> sir you are so close to emotionally being dead that you have to save your self to save your kids.


Funny how everybody I know tells me how cold I am. I just accepted it was me.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Aerith said:


> Your decition. Is only 13 year old living with you?


The eldest is at home also. In full time HE


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> She is a cheater and it sounds like she has been a cheater for a while.
> File for divorce.
> Have her served at work.
> Have the OM named in the divorce if you can in your country.
> ...


I cant be vindictive. I just don't see the point. I am not after revenge, besides she has issues. She was sexually abused as a child and I know that is part of this. I don't want to hurt her, or punish her or God help me drive her over the cliff. I just can't take any more. Her problems have sucked all the life out of me. I'm like trapped in a cave filling with water with her on my head relaxing and partying. But when I move, I am afraid she could drown. Regarding the lads I'd rather not know. I don't want to hurt them or lose them.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> boinking a security guard? Interesting thing.
> Are you employed? >35 the dating power balance shifts from female to male, especially if you are one of the shrinking pool of employable males. .



Communication is very bad in our house though I suspect she is telling them something. No one seems concerned that she doesnt come home at night weekends (a recent development) 

I have a very well paid job, good looking (I am told) gym fit guy. Just no balls!


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Some "strong" people are really just bullies who are in fact weak on the inside. I believe your wife is one of those. No real backbone because there's no strength of character. What you see as strength is bluster. Noise. Anyone with a loud mouth can appear "strong" if others will perceive it that way. Don't fall for that crap. That's not REAL strength. 

It's good that you are working on your physical self. Now you have to work on your psychological self. Seeing a good counselor is one step. Seeking out nice people to be with is another. You don't need throngs but you do need SOME kind adults in your life (as counterbalance to your wife's toxic effects), even if you don't have any close friends right now. Having loner tendencies is fine, but this is not a good time for that, when you are so down. You may in fact be depressed, and should see a doctor to check that out. A lot of people who have been cheated on do need some antidepressant medication, at least in the short term.

Do you have any hobbies, or did you have some that you could get back into? Find clubs that meet around the hobby or hobbies. Regular get-togethers provide social connections that COULD lead to friendships, or at least, pleasant distractions (pleasant activities are one of the primary non-medication forms of "treatment" for depression). Are you religious? Going to church or temple or mosque could help if you are, at least while you are going through this. Do you like music? Listen to upbeat stuff - skip the slow, sad stuff for now! Seek out humorous TV and movies to watch because funny stuff can truly lift your mood - but you have to make a point of planning it into your schedule (it can really help you to feel better).

Please take action, and work towards feeling more psychologically fit. Posting here was a great first step. Again, I dispute the idea that your cheating wife is "strong." Get that idea out of your head. She is the opposite of strong. She may be forceful as she pursues her selfish, family-destroying desires, but that's not strong - it's WEAK. You have been the strong one, trying to hold the family together despite her horrible behavior. Now that you know that she won't snap out of it, you have to be strong in a different way, and get that divorce that you now know is inevitable. But do look after your psychological health, which you will need as you proceed with the divorce. We all take a "hit" when we are cheated on, because we're traumatized by this. Some of us become depressed, and you sound like you may be. Happens to LOTS of us. Take care.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

6301 said:


> Bull$h!t!. Friend I was 43 when my marriage ended. I stayed single for 17 years and reunited with an old girlfriend and that lasted 9 months and became single again. I didn't say lonely. I said single.
> 
> As I write this, I'm a 66 year old man. No I don't have a woman in my life and don't want one, that doesn't mean I'm lonely.
> 
> ...


Sorry to threadjack Aaronsmid but 6301. . . shouldn't that be 007?  I just wanted to say that is the best post I ever read on TAM.   
And I wonder what brought you to TAM since I'm always curious, like the next door gossipy neighbour heh! heh! I'm glad you put in an appearance.  Sorry can't help all the smiles - sadly it's very unusual to come across a genuine optimist and I'm with you on everything you said. VERY happy on my own for 10 years after my divorce and wham bam. . . married a cheater! 3 great kids with my first husband who wasn't a cheater (nor was I). He even takes me to lunch once a week with the blessing of his partner who comes along when she can and is a good woman. Shows how civilised D can be when there are no cheaters involved. 
You made me count my blessings! 

Aaronsmid you've been living in a weird and strange world for a long time and you probably forget what the normal world looks like. 
Deep down you know what you have to do, otherwise you wouldn't have come on here looking for confirmation. But you came on here and started a thread. You already knew what posters would say. And sure enough posters are telling you unequivocally in no uncertain terms. Now all you have to do is follow through. . . . 

Your boys will love it when they see their real Dad without all that weight on his shoulders. You kept the family intact until they became teenagers at a great personal cost. They will be absolutely fine. Time for you now. 

From your description, you are gym fit etc you sound pretty hot.  More importantly you are a decent human being having stayed so long for your kids. You ain't ever gonna be lonely. 

Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by thinking that your wife might go over the edge if you D. She ain't half as helpless as she leads you to believe. She's not worried about putting you over the edge by not even coming home at night, and when she arrives next day, grinning like a Cheshire cat as you put it!

Now watch this:
Flashdance the final dance - YouTube


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## funfred (Feb 21, 2013)

First off, sorry you are here. It sounds like your wife has mental issues. When u stand up and confront her with D papers, make sure you have a var on u to protect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Aaronsmid said:


> *I cant be vindictive. *I just don't see the point. *I am not after revenge,* besides she has issues. *She was sexually abused as a child *and I know that is part of this. I don't want to hurt her, or punish her or God help me drive her over the cliff. I just can't take any more. *Her problems have sucked all the life out of me.* I'm like trapped in a cave filling with water with her on my head relaxing and partying. But when I move, I am afraid she could drown. Regarding the lads I'd rather not know. I don't want to hurt them or lose them.




I know you are in pain but as you came here seeking help, I have only one thing to say; This forum canot help you, You are too weak, needy and lost your balls sometime ago. I doubt even god can help you. 

Your misery is your choice, her cheating had nothing to do with it(Definitely they can burn us but they canot burn us to ashes). I can say that authentically because i too WAS a BS, I didnt walk like a zombie around my WS or never allowed her to disrespect me again and again. I too believed once that my happiness, family and everything lies between her legs (She too believed the same) but I took control of my life when I came to realize that she is ****ting in my mouth standing over me.

When I took control of my life I realized I deserve better and can live life with selfrespect, happiness and more worthy than with my WS. No god or TAM helped me to realise this (If TAM was there for me I may have finished the task in half of the time). Now I am happy with a beautiful girl and my children.

Your happiness, worth and future is not lying between her legs, its in your sack push back the balls to its original place and see things for what its worth.

If any one can help you to come across this misery that is YOU. Its time for you to stand for your rights, self respect and dignity. WE TAMers will back you in your actions and give you moral support when you need it badly.

First learn to respect yourself, else no one will respect you. stop being this nice, sober guy.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I know you are in pain but as you came here seeking help, I have only one thing to say; This forum canot help you, You are too weak, needy and lost your balls sometime ago. I doubt even god can help you.


Probably not worth saying then.

And I disagree. I am going to 'manage' the divorce process. However, I am not going to declare war, I am not going to scream, I am not going to call her names etc etc etc. 

Because... I am a 'nice sober guy' I don't intend this to turn me into a nasty bitter wreck. Apologies if that evokes an image of no-balls etc.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

********** said:


> Aaronsmid you've been living in a weird and strange world for a long time and you probably forget what the normal world looks like.


That is very perceptive... And very true. It;'s been good (fascinating) to catch the mood of the board. I never really saw it as others do.



********** said:


> Deep down you know what you have to do, otherwise you wouldn't have come on here looking for confirmation. But you came on here and started a thread. You already knew what posters would say. And sure enough posters are telling you unequivocally in no uncertain terms. Now all you have to do is follow through. . . .


I know. Is why I am here to document it. I've never suggested that I wasn't going to divorce her. The clue's in the title I guess.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You will be OK.
Like many here they got thru the other end and are happier for it.
That first big step thats always the toughest, but you will get thru this.
Stay strong and now is the time to starting getting a few steps ahead of your wife.

While she smiles along in fantasy land you have to start planing your exit.

I suggest you smile back at your wife while you stratagize the up and coming divorce. She doesn't need to know your plan so don't tell her. She will find out soon enough when you are more prepared.

Again I strongly suggest you start putting a plan together and work the plan.

You diserve good things!


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

the guy said:


> I suggest you smile back at your wife while you stratagize the up and coming divorce. She doesn't need to know your plan so don't tell her. She will find out soon enough when you are more prepared!


Many thanks! 

I think the key problem going forward is the house. I have worked for 30 years to buy and pay for this house and I am determined not to be left penniless. This is what she wants. She actually wants me to spit my dummy out, scream and rant, storm up the road with my balls swaying in a manly fashion between my legs. Leaving her as happy as the proverbial pig in mud in possession and going nowhere.

It is tough but its a war of attrition. In reality I guess we've been separated for years just living under the same roof and keeping up a disguise for the kids. 

I'd welcome practical advice regarding this, separation agreements etc. And I'll see my lawyer next week.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> Having loner tendencies is fine, but this is not a good time for that, when you are so down. You may in fact be depressed, and should see a doctor to check that out. A lot of people who have been cheated on do need some antidepressant medication, at least in the short term.
> ....
> Please take action, and work towards feeling more psychologically fit. Posting here was a great first step. ......
> 
> Some of us become depressed, and you sound like you may be. Happens to LOTS of us. Take care.


Thanks for your kind words. I guess I am depressed but heh who wouldn't be? Life's a b*t*h and I'm not dancing in the street. I'll pass on the meds though. Dr and I don't exactly see eye to eye lol. He'd probably have be sectioned!!:smthumbup:


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I know you are in pain but as you came here seeking help, I have only one thing to say; This forum canot help you, You are too weak, needy and lost your balls sometime ago. I doubt even god can help you.


I diasagree.

I guess you are trying to encourage the OP by slaping him with your comments, but telling him he has lost his balls and how weak he is, is just an exageration, I have read of much worst cases, he began to suspect last year of his wife cheating behaviour, and he is now convinced and proceding with divorce.

we have many users that have suspected for years but when their WS take the affair underground they just keep being delusional, that is weakness allowing themselves to be fooled for the sake of preserving the status quo.

weakness also is being mistrated for the WS and even uncovering the affairs but accepting the situation for being affraid to stay alone, like "8yearscheating" where he discovered, that his wife had been having affairs for 18 years (married 22 years), 15 of those years with a "friend", discovering his youngest was not his biological daughter (but really he already had vasectomy for 2 years when she was concived), confronting the OM just by phone and not burning him with his wife, and after all of that she broke NC with the OM a he still forgive her and was arreging a seconf weding,* really?.*

the user is planing the divorce already, so I don't see what you expect from him, confrontation will happen whe she is served, there is no need for more drama.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You are UK right?


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> You are UK right?


Indeedy


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Nice guys aren't really nice. And its worse to be a nice guy than being around one.

Go here and start reading. https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Tell your wife you are going to put the house up for sale. Better yet, just find a real estate agent and have them put a sign in the yard. What ever happened to that British spirit anyway? We see many posters here from Britain and many can't fight for their family or themselves. BTW in the US, only 35% of marriages survive infidelity but in England 50% do. What's up with that?

Unfortunately, if you show your wife you can man up and face her, she may actually want you back. 

Down load this book The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books it will tell you how you got to be here. You have to stay attractive to a mate to keep her. Even if she has been abused.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Forgot to put link in https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Nice guys aren't really nice. And its worse to be a nice guy than being around one.
> 
> Go here and start reading.
> 
> ...


Basically:


I soooo don't want her - Would probably pay someone to take away her baggage - Dunno really why the board not getting that? It needs to get over the balls business even with the added spice of them being Brit balls. Its f*** all to do with balls. Its about getting free from a VERY dangerous significant other.

I cannot nor would not sell the house and my kids bedrooms from under them. The law will give her (the b*t*h / she devil my house unless I play this really cleverly!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I wasn't suggesting you try to keep her. What kind of plan can you run in the UK though? Everyone there says men are effed in divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It also doesnt mean you do not need to read the books at the two links I provided. You are still, after all, a role model for your children. I can't imagine a worse scenario for children to be watching their mother go out like yours does and you sitting back doing nothing but stewing. Good luck


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I wasn't suggesting you try to keep her. What kind of plan can you run in the UK though? Everyone there says men are effed in divorce.


The only 'plan' would be for her to become so enamoured with her new beau that she f***s off and moves in with him. Otherwise shell have everything until my youngest is 18. She'll even get her teeth into my pension and probably get me to pay for her and her low brow newb to dine out. The wise money would be on sticking it out.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> It also doesnt mean you do not need to read the books at the two links I provided. You are still, after all, a role model for your children. I can't imagine a worse scenario for children to be watching their mother go out like yours does and you sitting back doing nothing but stewing. Good luck


Agreed - this is why her new strategy of staying out has brought things to the boil this last week or so. I won't tolerate that. I am hoping it means her departure is imminent. If not I SHALL file before Christmas.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

he wants to use solid evidence of her affair as leverage, he said she really values her social standing and being marked as a cheater will destroy her, I really doubt this plan will go as he expects, but the best way to obtain such evidence is with a PI (as I recomended before).


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

manticore said:


> he wants to use solid evidence of her affair as leverage, he said she really values her social standing and being marked as a cheater will destroy her, I really doubt this plan will go as he expects, but the best way to obtain such evidence is with a PI (as I recomended before).


Sorry. I may be being dense but I don't remember any of that....


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hmmm. My evil side is thinking.... Get some uber easy to get proof of her cheating...

Start low in exposing her. Then a bit closer. Then a bit closer...

Finish her with uk cheaterville with evidence.

Just save it some place she can't get to.

Btw if your son is in on it... Expect him to emulate his mom.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Hmmm. My evil side is thinking.... Get some uber easy to get proof of her cheating...
> 
> Start low in exposing her. Then a bit closer. Then a bit closer...
> 
> ...


I was tempted to go all undercover on her, however, in the UK its a no blame culture. She can screw the entire city and no judge would give a crap even if you personally provided DNA swabs. Its only relevant if you name adultory as your divorce call as opposed to unreasonable behaviour which every lawyer (solicitor) will lean you towards.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

*my bad my bad*, I was confusing threads with another user, but then is even worst man, I really don't think that if she is as you describe her, she is gonna let you go as easy as you expect, when she finds your intentions probably is goint to become vindictive and unmerciful


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> I was tempted to go all undercover on her, however, in the UK its a no blame culture. She can screw the entire city and no judge would give a crap even if you personally provided DNA swabs. Its only relevant if you name adultory as your divorce call as opposed to unreasonable behaviour which every lawyer (solicitor) will lean you towards.


And why would not that make an adultery call to your advantage. As a matter of fact, other posters from the UK say that proving adultery cuts the divorce period in half. Untrue?


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> And why would not that make an adultery call to your advantage. As a matter of fact, other posters from the UK say that proving adultery cuts the divorce period in half. Untrue?


Not that I am aware of, others more worldly than I may know different. It's not what I am being told, besides I always come back to the kids. I don't want my little boy thinking bad of his mum. If I can manage it and get them through I will even if I need to bite my tongue. My balls (despite rumour to the contrary) are big enough to take the flack


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

manticore said:


> *my bad my bad*, I was confusing threads with another user, but then is even worst man, I really don't think that if she is as you describe her, she is gonna let you go as easy as you expect, when she finds your intentions probably is goint to become vindictive and unmerciful


Agreed regrettably. She'll probably send me to my maker.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> Not that I am aware of, others more worldly than I may know different. It's not what I am being told, besides I always come back to the kids. I don't want my little boy thinking bad of his mum. If I can manage it and get them through I will even if I need to bite my tongue. My balls (despite rumour to the contrary) are big enough to take the flack


Check yessongs thread/threads out. He spent months trying to catch his wife to speed up the process. Link http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62675-i-really-want-wrong-about-all.html


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> Agreed regrettably. She'll probably send me to my maker.


You could post her on cheaterville.com as a third person. Is her boyfriend married or have a girlfriend?


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Check yessongs thread/threads out. He spent months trying to catch his wife to speed up the process. Link http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62675-i-really-want-wrong-about-all.html


I can't be arsed mate. She's already ancient history as far as I care. I just want to get her out as quickly as I can. I genuinely don't care what she does with her ladybits.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> You could post her on cheaterville.com as a third person. Is her boyfriend married or have a girlfriend?


I don't even know who he is. I think the security guy ditched her last year. Haven't a clue where she's been staying out of late. I know she's seeing a councillor for the abuse she suffered as a kid. You probably think I'm weak etc but i care for her in that sense, like a bro. I won't hurt her.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Check yessongs thread/threads out. He spent months trying to catch his wife to speed up the process. Link http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62675-i-really-want-wrong-about-all.html


Incidentally on that, most solicitors would advise a plaintiff use unreasonable behaviour as an alternative and equally rapid route as adultery. Obviously the separation route is longer. That said, I personally wouldn't put haste as a key criteria for these hearings.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

FOCUS!

The first thing to do is to contact the UK equivalent of a US divorce lawyer. Tell them what you are worried about. Follow their advice. You are new at this, they should be old hands at it.

I can only go by US law, but generally no-fault divorces split everything down the middle with allowence for children. Given their ages that should not be too long a period.

I'd not say anything to your wife until such time as your lawyer says it is OK. At that point you need to deal with your children. Given their ages I doubt that they are ignorant of what has been going on. You have hinted that your wife has already "indoctrinated" them or tried to. There is only so much that you can do about that. If there is a bad result, just remember that YOU did not do it, she did.

I do not know what the waiting period is in the UK. I suppose it matters where you are. But the time between her being served papers and the time that the divorce becomes final is apt to be very difficult for you both.
Here we often speak of the "fog" of an affair, and what happens (as in the CC case) when reality intrudes.

So don't worry. You will have plenty of time to build your self-image.

PS: Don't get your son's paternity checked. I suspect it is better not knowing than knowing a horrible answer.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Just warning you, I try to make my posts short but I rarely succeed. 

PS I just saw the post before mine and I am saying much the same thing but might as well post it anyway. 


Aaronsmid said:


> I'm trying to protect the family, maintain the myth. I believe my kids are entitled to have 2 parents. I said I'd try to last till my youngest was 16.


The kids already know it's a myth, they aren't stupid. Separate bedrooms alone is enough. Kids are entitled to have 2 parents but the 2 parents don't have to live together. Best they don't in your case. 


> I also think I am hoping she will just move out, make the first move but she's too smart for that and also too weak.


She won't. 


> My wife is a life force, nothing ends quietly. Is why I call this the she-devil. She's so f**in strong emotionally.


She is a bully, not a life force. This won't end quietly. You will just have to accept that. 


> Really, this is one very tough lady. She's so much stronger than I am. Sorry that makes me sound a total wuss I know.


Again she is a bully. You are not a wuss but have tried to 'keep the peace' for your sons. She knows that and is playing it for all its worth. She is saying, "Screw you! I'll stay out if I want to and shag some guy. And you have to support me financially because I'm the kids mother, so there!" 

She is used to you putting up with her because of the boys and will get one hell of a shock when you present her with D papers because you will be standing up to her in the strongest way possible. Your turn to say, "And screw you too!"​Prepare yourself for the battle ahead and do NOT expect a peaceful divorce process. Your main concern is your boys so here is what I would do and what i did in fact. Prepare them. Take them out for dinner, somewhere away from your home to make it formal. Tell them the situation calmly but very honestly. It's unfair to do otherwise. You are not protecting them by hiding it. They know most of it already. As I said above they are not stupid. Tell them you have stayed for years because you wanted to keep their home intact but you can't continue now as Mum is even staying away from the family home at night so it is no longer a family home in the way it should be. Secretly ask your 21-year-old to support your 13-year-old and to keep an eye on him through it. Siblings will confide to each other in a way they wouldn't to a parent and your 21-year-old can give you feedback on how your 13-year-old is doing. That happened with my kids during the divorce. 

It's always good to follow bad news with good. Tell the boys that after the D has gone through the 3 of you are going to go on a fabulous 2 week holiday to sunny Spain or whatever. Truly. I did that with my kids and it gave them something to look forward to through the process and at the start of their new living arrangements. 

OK, the divorce. . . Do NOT give her any warning - just serve the papers. Find the BEST lawyer you can, one who has the reputation of getting good settlements for Dads. They are out there. Google some divorce sites. He/she doesn't have to be local to you either. 

Go into snoop mode IMMEDIATELY. Get all the evidence you can. You don't have to say 'how' you got it. VAR her car and bedroom. Snoop on her email and phone. Hire a PI (or a close friend she doesn't know) to follow her the next night she goes out. One night won't cost much and have him/her on standby because WS doesn't give you notice presumably. You can make a lot of that evidence admissible e.g. you can say you followed her because you were worried about her safety going out alone at night. You can say your phone was out of battery and you had to use hers and saw a message on it. Same with email, you had to use her computer one day and her email was open. She can't fight back on any of that as she won't be able to prove you were 'snooping".

I'm very confused by what you said about grounds for divorce, settlement and custody. Is adultery counted? and behaviour such as hers? Can staying out like that be evidence for poor mothering - it should be and should be good grounds for you getting custody. In any case find out what grounds will give you custody/best settlement and work around that by gathering your evidence on anything that counts. You don't seem to have a lot of information on who she is with or what she is up to and I think you must get that. 

Don't worry if you have to sell your house. You can get a smaller one - it's just bricks and mortar. Home for the boys is wherever you are. Whatever happens you will be financially worse off afterwards. There is no avoiding it. But you can rebuild since you are only 50. All the kids need are your love and your time - it's as simple as that. 

I moved with my 3 kids into a small 2 bedroom flat. I slept on a sofa bed in the lounge for years. They were very young, 2 boys 10 & 7, and a daughter 3. Their Dad wouldn't move out of our home and I couldn't let them endure the tension any more. A month after we moved I nervously asked them one night how they were feeling about the new arrangement. The oldest chirped up "It's so much better this way Mum. We like it here with you and then we like it when we go to Dad's" The other two nodded furiously in agreement. I could have cried. I told their Dad from the outset that I would never deprive them of him and would agree to 50:50 custody. Had I gone for full custody i would have got it and 70:30 of our assets as well as full child support. But I settled for 50:50 custody and assets and a lot less child support. I know not all ex-wives are so obliging but I did it that way to minimise the drama for my kids. I don't even own a home now and I am poor because of how I approached it but I don't regret my decision. 

Here is the result. I'm going to thread jack and brag. Mums are allowed to. My oldest is an engineer and designs car engines in motor sport. He is currently working on Ferrari's new Formula 1 engine! My second son got a First Class Honours degree in Commerce and then a scholarship to do a Masters in one of Europe's most prestigious universities. My daughter just finished high school, wants to be an artist and won the prize for the most promising artist of her year. They are gorgeous kids, very loving and well grounded. And they were SO much younger than yours are. I am just trying to allay your fears about your boys and your finances with the divorce. As well as all that for the first 3 years, despite my more than reasonable settlement and 50:50 custody my ex-husband was as angry as all hell with me. The kids witnessed a lot of it and it wasn't pleasant. As long as one parent is grounded - you - your boys will be fine. I just kept my calm and kept my eye on the big picture. It settled down and their Dad and I are now very good friends believe it or not. 
Your thread title is:
*Countdown to Divorce - Cheating She-Devil*
And so in my humble opinion:
*YOU ARE NOT A WUSS AND YOU HAVE VERY BIG BALLS.   *​You had already decided to divorce when you came on here and posters should look at your first post because it is all there. That is the decision that takes balls.  Also don't forget that all the posters on here mean well and want to see a good outcome and sometimes they try and shock BS into action, hence all the discussion about your balls.  

You are however world weary with all this and probably depressed too and I think that is what is coming across, not weakness. And who wouldn't be world weary in your position. 

I have tried to give you constructive advice based on the fact that you have already decided to do D. Also you said your wife had turned all your friends against you. How did she do that? You will have to reverse it. Don't forget that when your D is in the bag you can then out her to everyone and tell them about what she was doing.

Keep posting here through it which was your intention as you said. You will get lots of support and encouragement and useful information. I hope you are not a troll. There have been so many recently. :lol:

You are about to come out and bask in the sunshine again starting with your sunny holiday in Spain with your boys once D is done. 
Hold that thought. :smthumbup:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nice one **********.:smthumbup:


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Aaronsmid said:


> Agreed regrettably. She'll probably send me to my maker.


Yeah not the most convincing thing to support your augment of your ball size
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Nice one **********.:smthumbup:


Thanks Tom. I reckon Aaronsmid just has to brace himself and ride out the storm with that virago of his and he will be just fine. . . 
- and so will his boys.

Y'all hear that Aaronsmid?:

Oh and watch this YouTube clip cos you are a loooong way from here. She's my favourite Australian (an unknown) singer. Here is her performance on The Voice down here a couple of years ago at age 19. What a gal! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1POBkwoLKvM
.
.
.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother, I understand the whole idea about what you want, to not hurt the family etc...

That is all just a bunch of crap because you are too scared and sad to let go of the family you used to know for the past 30 years. I was there. I can tell you something. I love my boys and I have a great relationship with them. I don't know if my eldest will speak to his mom when he is out of school, ever...

Her relationship with the kids is hers. Yours is yours. You take care of you and your relationships and the rest will follow suit. If you are done, be done. I believe that your kids are not total morons. When I was 16, I probably was. They know what's going on. You might want to talk about it with them. They know the truth. Don't kid yourself. 

And above all else, to thine own self be true... Be you and be honest. Your kids will value you if you are strong. They will want you to show them how to stand up for themselves and be a man.

I am so sorry you are here brother. God bless!


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

********** said:


> Just warning you, I try to make my posts short but I rarely succeed.


Thanks for taking so much time to correspond. Your advice is really helpful, especially regarding the holiday etc. Good to visualise future paths. Good to hear it from objective voices, I have sort of thought about it for so long and kind of went around in circles


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> I can't be arsed mate. She's already ancient history as far as I care. *I just want to get her out as quickly as I can.* I genuinely don't care what she does with her ladybits.


You need to wake up to the fact that the above comment can't be reconciled with this one:



> My wife is a life force, nothing ends quietly. Is why I call this the she-devil. She's so f**in strong emotionally.


Stop approaching this passively. Get yourself strong and prepare for a battle. Take care of yourself and protect what you have worked for. By your own words, she is not going to leave quickly and quietly. So stop hoping that she does. You might as well hope the rattlesnake does not bite you while continuing to pet it.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Stop approaching this passively. Get yourself strong and prepare for a battle. Take care of yourself and protect what you have worked for. By your own words, she is not going to leave quickly and quietly. So stop hoping that she does. You might as well hope the rattlesnake does not bite you while continuing to pet it.


I know! You are right. Need to be in the right place and position to make it happen though. Work is 24/7 at the moment, high stakes, highly stressful and it's not easy to bomb your home camp whilst expecting to remain competitive and to fight on 2 fronts. Even my corporate broadband runs into the house. It's my office too! Not so easy to just walk away. I actually cannot move out without notice. Today I have requested a VPN to piggyback a wireless network, that way I can still work outside of teh house, hotel, rental whatever if it comes to it.

None of this means I am not determined to bring things to a head, I am genuinely excited about the future for the first time in a LONG time, can't wait to date, to holiday alone and with the kids without the She-Devil working her spells. 

Just need to see the path. I am trying to get a good solicitor, like sticking a pin in a board. Almost tempted to just draw up the damn papers myself.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> I know! You are right. Need to be in the right place and position to make it happen though. Work is 24/7 at the moment, high stakes, highly stressful and it's not easy to bomb your home camp whilst expecting to remain competitive and to fight on 2 fronts. Even my corporate broadband runs into the house. It's my office too! Not so easy to just walk away. I actually cannot move out without notice. Today I have requested a VPN to piggyback a wireless network, that way I can still work outside of teh house, hotel, rental whatever if it comes to it.
> 
> None of this means I am not determined to bring things to a head, I am genuinely excited about the future for the first time in a LONG time, can't wait to date, to holiday alone and with the kids without the She-Devil working her spells.
> 
> Just need to see the path. I am trying to get a good solicitor, like sticking a pin in a board. Almost tempted to just draw up the damn papers myself.


Being strong does not necessarily mean leaving the house or blowing things up (at least yet). It means disengaging from her. Don't discuss anything that does not have to do with the business of running the house. Nothing about your relationship or her actions. Get out with your friends and leave her at home on an evening. Get distance from her (as simple as leaving the room is she tries to be friendly). Get exercise. Prepare mentally, emotionally and physically for not being married to her anymore.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Being strong does not necessarily mean leaving the house or blowing things up (at least yet). It means disengaging from her. Don't discuss anything that does not have to do with the business of running the house. Nothing about your relationship or her actions. Get out with your friends and leave her at home on an evening. Get distance from her (as simple as leaving the room is she tries to be friendly). Get exercise. Prepare mentally, emotionally and physically for not being married to her anymore.


I am well on with that, I practically live in my office. (Back of the house) she's out most of the time either work or "with friends" we really are separated in all but name. Unfortunately I have no friends other than colleagues my only real social outlets are the gym and the kids when we go out together whilst she is out doing her thing. My private life is in lockdown until this is properly resolved.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Took this forward today a little and was given very disturbing advice about pensions. Anyone have experience of pensions or link to a good thread which addresses this? Apparently I am about to hand over half my hard earned retirement fund and going to pay the fund holders a few grand for the privilege of doing so.

I have 2 sons. guess what I am telling them about marriage. No wonder this country is going to hell. Will the last sane, reasonable caring male left please switch out the lights as they leave this once green and pleasant land!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> I am well on with that, I practically live in my office. (Back of the house) she's out most of the time either work or "with friends" we really are separated in all but name. Unfortunately I have no friends other than colleagues my only real social outlets are the gym and the kids when we go out together whilst she is out doing her thing. My private life is in lockdown until this is properly resolved.


How is your private life in lockdown? Get out of the house, even if it means just heading to a movie. Find something to do, connect with old friends, take a class or join a hobby group, whatever, but get out. Be ready so that when she walks in the door, you tell her you are heading out and not to wait up. Give her the same consideration that she gives you. She does it to you, so no reason to spare her feelings.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> Took this forward today a little and was given very disturbing advice about pensions. Anyone have experience of pensions or link to a good thread which addresses this? Apparently I am about to hand over half my hard earned retirement fund and going to pay the fund holders a few grand for the privilege of doing so.
> 
> I have 2 sons. guess what I am telling them about marriage. No wonder this country is going to hell. Will the last sane, reasonable caring male left please switch out the lights as they leave this once green and pleasant land!


If she is working, doesn't she have a pension? Why is yours on the table but not hers?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I agree when our kids see how we handle Cheating and Divorce what are we telling them. What life lesson are we giving them. My sister cheated on her husband and he begged and begged to keep the marriage together including offering her an open marriage.

They are finally divorcing and have moved apart. What did my niece learn. It is OK to sleep around, men are doormats? She is 13 she knows everything that was going on. What a mess what a world we are creating.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

mahike said:


> I agree when our kids see how we handle Cheating and Divorce what are we telling them. What life lesson are we giving them. My sister cheated on her husband and he begged and begged to keep the marriage together including offering her an open marriage.
> 
> They are finally divorcing and have moved apart. What did my niece learn. It is OK to sleep around, men are doormats? She is 13 she knows everything that was going on. What a mess what a world we are creating.


Agreed


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> How is your private life in lockdown? Get out of the house, even if it means just heading to a movie. Find something to do, connect with old friends, take a class or join a hobby group, whatever, but get out. Be ready so that when she walks in the door, you tell her you are heading out and not to wait up. Give her the same consideration that she gives you. She does it to you, so no reason to spare her feelings.


To be honest I work till 10 pm of an evening. I don't have time to 'play out' gave up 'pals' when I was like 14. 

I don't wait up for her, our lives are separate but I couldn't just waltz out I am up at 6 am to work.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> If she is working, doesn't she have a pension? Why is yours on the table but not hers?


She stayed at home with the kids for years so there's nothing akewed. Shes got a small pension over recent years but mine is the honey pot. I don't think that's uncommon. She stayed at home doing coffee mornings etc I worked my nuts off and now its time to collect.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Aaronsmid said:


> To be honest *I work till 10 pm of an evening.* I don't have time to 'play out' gave up 'pals' when I was like 14.
> 
> I don't wait up for her, our lives are separate but I couldn't just waltz out *I am up at 6 am to work.*


Dear Aaronsmid,

Working 16 hours a day is no way to live. You need to rebalance your life in a big way.

Please read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover (https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf) and _"The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"_ by Athol Kay (The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life). I have a feeling that what they contain will open your eyes to a lot of things, including some of the reasons why things went wrong in your marriage and how to move on with your life and eventually be a lot happier than you ever were before.

Good luck.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear Aaronsmid,
> 
> Working 16 hours a day is no way to live. You need to rebalance your life in a big way.
> 
> ...


I work to live, I'm not a rich middle class boy doing what you do. I've made a successful career out of using my brains and hard work. Not putting in the shifts is non negotiable, I accept that isn't conducive to telling a woman 24/7 how amazing she is, even when she isn't. I don't see myself in either title blurb etc sorry. I'm not looking to win any popularity / male beauty contest. I just want practical advice in the war that is my divorce.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Aaronsmid said:


> She stayed at home with the kids for years so there's nothing akewed. Shes got a small pension over recent years but mine is the honey pot. I don't think that's uncommon. She stayed at home doing coffee mornings etc I worked my nuts off and now its time to collect.


Aaron, 
Victims of sexual abuse are fearful avoidant and without intense IC they go from relationship to relationship looking for a lost sense of self. So overwhelmed, your WW cannot begin to consider the disasters she is leaving in her wake. You protect your children by letting them see you know how people should treat one another and you demand nothing less. Kindness and compassion are a representation of an inner sense of self ... not an acquiescence to the brutality you are suffering at the hand of your WW. 

Take the couple hours a week as an investment in yourself. Deal with this from a position of strength, from a position of confidence. Do not try to avoid the fear but instead talk through it with someone you can trust (like an IC therapist). There is no reason to plow your way through this without the support you need. Kindest Regards-


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Aarondsmid I think the most practical thing you can do right now is see some solicitors - at least 3 just like you would shop around for any big expenditure - it will give you a good idea of the baseline financially. 
I think you will be fine once all that is out of the way, D is done & you are ensconced in your new life. 
As far as your WS staying home - I have to say that for children it really is better if Mum is at home instead of them spending hours in childcare from an early age. I wasn't able to do that as much as I would have liked because I was divorced. 
Presumably WS did a good job of her mothering & keeping the household. The courts look on that as work & it is pretty full on when they are little. Just warning you how the courts look at stay-at-home Mums. Of course once the kids are older, say 10 or 12 or so then it is much easier for Mum to work or at least get a part time job. Though with part time work the school holidays are difficult to manage and kids need supervision even if they are older to stop them getting into the wrong crowd etc. It's a juggle! 

Hope that helps so try & see some solicitors & see what they say - it varies depending on the country. I have no idea about the UK.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Aaronsmid said:


> I work to live, I'm not a rich middle class boy doing what you do. I've made a successful career out of using my brains and hard work. Not putting in the shifts is non negotiable, I accept that isn't conducive to telling a woman 24/7 how amazing she is, even when she isn't. I don't see myself in either title blurb etc sorry. I'm not looking to win any popularity / male beauty contest. I just want practical advice in the war that is my divorce.


Might want to reign in the insults. You say you have to work to live, but is a 16 hour work really working for you? How often do you see your kids? Certainly not during the week day. And you were not seeing your wife for any quality time. I am not excusing her, but can you not see that a schedule like yours was not good for your marriage or your family? 

Use this as a chance to think about what you want. Cut back on the hours or find a new career. Show through your actions what is really important to you.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> Aaron,
> Victims of sexual abuse are fearful avoidant and without intense IC they go from relationship to relationship looking for a lost sense of self. So overwhelmed, your WW cannot begin to consider the disasters she is leaving in her wake.


Sometimes it simply feels like I am a bit part actor in my wife's drama. Not a nice feeling. I've now learnt that she is secretly undergoing counseling and has been medicated anti-depressants. 
Geez! Like, she's the one who is depressed!


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

********** said:


> Aarondsmid I think the most practical thing you can do right now is see some solicitors - at least 3 just like you would shop around for any big expenditure - it will give you a good idea of the baseline financially.


Hi **********. Thanks again for stopping by. 

I am not convinced that a solicitor will tell me anything I don't already know at this point. (Apols if that sounds arrogant.) I just see them as a massive unnecessary expense, not least because this whole pension business is a real bone of contention and unless either one of us really shifts position it is bound to see any papers contested and a lengthy and expensive court case.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Apparently no free consults in the UK folks.


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Apparently no free consults in the UK folks.


This is true... You know.. There really is no such thing as a free lunch... 

Nor Santa Claus... 

Nor Tooth fairies etc etc etc


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Secretly in counseling??? Maybe you can let her secret counselor know how good the patient has been these past few months....

Not good at all IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Apparently no free consults in the UK folks.


Dang!
OP, any free legal aid agency available? Or any friends who got divorced or web forum discussions? 
Anyway doesn't matter as you said you have a good idea of the outcome. 
I dont understand re pension - I'll check your thread. So an out of court settlement the only way to do it cheaply I guess. The thing is spending the family money on a legal case disadvantages you both so maybe you could remind her about that.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

mahike said:


> I agree when our kids see how we handle Cheating and Divorce what are we telling them. What life lesson are we giving them. My sister cheated on her husband and he begged and begged to keep the marriage together including offering her an open marriage.
> 
> They are finally divorcing and have moved apart. What did my niece learn. It is OK to sleep around, men are doormats? She is 13 she knows everything that was going on. What a mess what a world we are creating.


I wish more men realized this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Its the FINAL COUNTDOWN!

Europe - The Final Countdown - YouTube


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

Okay, it has been almost a week to the hour since I started my thread and I want to sort of log my progress (or not) for myself as much as others.

Everyone who has been kind enough to respond agrees that divorce is inevitable which is what I want and it has been useful to benchmark that. I've been forced to smell teh coffee regarding my own passivity and recognise that if I am ever to beat this rather than allowing it to inevitably and ultimately beat me, then I need to somehow rethink so much of my life and to prioritise this. Someone really vividly made the analogy to someone suffering from poisoning and the need to get away from the source. I think this is pivotal as are the comments about my work commitments. I work damned hard but realise that I have somewhere along the way lost my own identity and that this is making is really hard to stand up for myself now at this stage. I don't really know who I am, where my friends went to, family. I feel possessed.

I've not done anything concrete to resolve it although I have read a lot and am very well informed about the whole divorce process. I am implementing teh 360 and I think that too will accelerate this grieving process. I genuinely believe that we reach a point when we are ready to take the next step. I am excited about setting up my own apartment, I am frankly a loner, was living alone in a bachelor pad when all this started, maybe there is an alluring symmetry to all of this. I am thinking of maybe looking at one or two places to put something real in place to work towards, maybe even rent somewhere short term secretly and have somewhere to go to, a bolt hole. A foothold in a new life. 

I've deliberately eaten out twice this week after work and made no explanation when I arrived home, simply to attempt to break out of the predictability of my situation. Not especially inspiring but a start of sorts. So, sorry I've not really set the world alight this week. I am trying and I shall get there.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good men and nice guys have a tendency to lose themselves along the way.

Do something for you.

Read these...

No More Mr Nice Guy

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Good luck.


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