# What is my husband thinking?



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Okay, I just have this issue that I cannot overcome.

When I was in the middle of PA school, my husband got fired from his job of 7 years. He had been warned for his tardiness and performance, but didn't change. We had a 2 year old daughter he had to take to daycare (as my school started very early), and even though they were gracious by giving him a 9:30 am start time, he couldn't seem to manage getting there on time. So he was fired. (Yet acted like it was my fault because he had to take our daughter to daycare.)

After he was fired, I found out I was pregnant with #2. I was happy but anxious as I was still in PA school and he was still unemployed. We just lived off unemployment (which was not enough to hardly cover COBRA, though we should be grateful his company let him collect it since he was canned). I couldn't believe he didn't care enough about his family to support us by doing whatever he needed to do. I don't understand. And to this day, it really eats at me. It's not like getting to work by 9:30 is difficult. Then again, he sits up at night like he's an adolescent until the early morning hours. 

Eventually, 8 months later, he did look for a job and found a contract job. After I graduated PA school and was offered a high-paying entry-level job, we discussed that he would like to stay home with the kids for awhile, which I thought was a good idea. I was making good money. But this job was awful and didn't work out for me (working 60+ hours/day, not seeing my kids, etc). When I approached my husband about how unhappy I was, he kept saying, "You need to suck it up and make this money so we can get out of debt." The debt he had a big hand in putting us in!!!? I finally told him I cannot tolerate this job and found a new job and he never congratulated me or anything; he was livid it doesn't pay as much...but I will have time with my kids. I told him he needs to find a job, but he still hasn't started looking. He "wants to get things done around the house," which he's said for years. I cannot take this pressure. Student loans are due, credit cards are due. And he feels no responsibility in helping because of our decision for him to stay home. Things change! That job didn't work out and made me very depressed where I was at a psychiatrist weekly for a bit. I am confused how he doesn't care about his wife's and childrens' wellbeing! My infant son wasn't sleeping and would wake up for me in the middle of night because he didn't see me during the day. My 4 year old daughter grew increasingly anxious and tearful.

Why does he feel no responsibility to care for his family? I don't understand the mentality 1) that it was okay to lose his job and to act like I'm a nut for being upset about it or 2) it's okay for me to work at a job that is seriously depressing me where I'm on 2-3 psychiatric drugs to get through my day.

Sometimes I just want to scream "MAN UP!" but I know that would be sexist. I'm not sure what to do. Our relationship is strained in many ways, not just this; I just don't get not supporting your family. I didn't quit my terrible job until I had another one lined up. How you can get fired and act like it's okay is beyond me. Should I talk to him once more about this and then give him a time frame to have at least interviews by?

Thanks in advance.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

LovingHearts, you married a little boy. He is a loser. I'm sorry you had children with this little boy. You are in a very difficult place because it is not so easy to leave him. Curious to know what you even saw in this immature little boy? Being a man, father, and husband, I am compelled to judge him very harshly. I have two daughters and he is the last type of person I'd want them to marry. Sorry I cannot even begin to think of a solution. This is a hard one.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I do feel sympathy for the situation you are in. Your husband spending 8 months without work must have been hard on you all and now that you are the only one working it is hard for you.

Any parent who has to do all the money earning is on a hard road.

However before anyone judges your husband try re reading the storey but swapping the genders over. I think most people would applaud a wife who worked to support the family whilst her husband finished schooling and once he had a well paid job became a SAHM.

If your husband is making a success of looking after the children and the home I do not see why you are beating up on him. Millions of men are the sole / main breadwinners for their families and not all of them are lucky enough to enjoy our jobs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loving, he's a child. But he's only a child because YOU LET HIM BE ONE.

Take control of all finances. Stop giving him a single dime. Pay for groceries yourself and pay bills yourself. If he wants anything, he can get off his butt and figure out how to pay for it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Re: What is my husband thinking?


He isn't? Thinking, that is?

That he is still only 15?

I very, very rarely use this expression. But in your husband's case it really is apposite: He really *does* need to "man up."


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Wow, guys, thank you. At least I'm not crazy.

As far as him caring for the kids -- he is doing an okay job. He stays up until 1 or 2 am and then is upset when they wake up at 7:00 or so. I tell him that's what kids do. But he doesn't want to get up. Many mornings if the baby sleeps later, he'll tell my daughter to go watch TV so he can sleep. He also leaves her for hours to watch TV during the day at times while he naps when the baby naps. For a 4 year old, she doesn't get into anything. In fact, her cautiousness concerns me a bit...she is scared to do many things because my husband sometimes gets upset at her ("that's dirty, don't touch that" or "why do you always make a mess?"). So I'm not worried that she will do something bad when he's sleeping; I'm more concerned about her psyche and the anxiety she shows.

In any event, he is a child. At one point in our lives, he seemed to have it together. He had a good job, we had fun together, and we were excited to have our daughter. Then it all went downhill.

Wiltshireman -- my husband GOT FIRED halfway through my schooling! When I had no money coming in! He didn't support us; he did the opposite of supporting us. And I was pregnant and still in PA school! And he was warned that he would get fired, but proceeded to continue his tardiness and poor performance anyway.

The worst part is that he is now not looking for a job, even after I've told him I got a new job (I start in a month) that doesn't pay as much. But I will be able to see my kids and have a life outside of work. He says, "I have to get things done around the house. Are you stupid? Maybe you'll actually be a mom and watch the kids." My therapist says this language is abusive. I guess I'm so used to it, that I don't even realize it.

I know I'm in a bad situation. I saw my therapist today, though, who shared something with me. She said she sees herself about 10 years ago in me. She had 4 kids and realized that her core values were at odds with her then-husband's and he was verbally abusive and she just had to get out. They fought all the time and it was bad for the kids. She couldn't take it. She said she never shares this with people, but felt that she needed to tell me that it is possible to divorce and move on and actually be happy. She had all the same concerns that I do ("what about the kids?" and "what about money?" and "what are the logistics?"). But everything worked out and her kids now tell her they are so happy she left. She is not pushing me to leave; she wants me to figure out myself and if I can save my marriage, so be it. But she doesn't want me to be afraid to leave. She said, "I am so sad for your and your situation, but I want you to know how happy I am that you are educated and able to provide for yourself and your children." That really put it into perspective for me. Yes, I can provide for myself and my children. I couldn't have a few years ago, but I can now. And that means I'm not stuck.

Sorry this is so long; I am relieved that I'm not crazy for how I feel. I have been living this for so long that I sometimes question "normal."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Two things. First, the kind of "care" your H is giving your D is worse than the care she would receive in any decent day care center. She is NOT being stimulated, she is NOT being taught anything, and she IS being taught to be a lazy (sorry) kid who uses tv and computer to occupy herself.

Second, the fact that he is bordering on being mentally abusive means that, during this formative period, you are allowing her to be taught to be a victim. She is losing self esteem. She's learning to stay silent and keep out of the way. She's learning that females are second best.

I'm sorry, but your husband IS a loser. IMO, the only way this can ever turn out decent is if you kick him out and he has a come to Jesus moment and sees what he's been doing.

He will NEVER get better while you continue to let him milk you. And in the meantime, your D is getting harmed.

If nothing else, start taking her to day care so she'll be able to keep up when she starts Kindergarten next year.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

A man contributes to his family. A man cares that his pregnant wife is in school, and he's lost his job...A man is going to TRY (whether or successful or not) to make his family whole, happy and healthy in every way he knows. It's about effort. Your husband doesn't seem to care to make the effort to a good SAHD *or* be a provider. So how is he a good dad or husband? He's not. You have every right to feel let down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with all that the others say. Your husband is not taking good care of your children. Sitting in front of a TV for hours is not good care. Emotional abuse is not good care either. He's not contributing to the family financially either.

You said that he stays up late most nights. Let me guess.. he's on the computer for hours after you go to sleep. My suggestion is that you put a keylogger on his computer and find out what he's really doing on there. If he was just playing games he would not need to do it after you go to sleep at night.

Does he have a cell phone? Is it password protected?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I have to agree that he's not doing what he should at home. You need to give him an ultimatum, he starts parenting properly, looks for a job every day, stops playing so many games and no earlier then say before the children are in bed and no later then 9 pm to allow some time for you two. And Counseling is a must. If he isn't interested and doesn't make a sustained long term effort, you move on.

I also agree with limiting his access to funds.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you changed the finances yet so he can't get to them? Step #1.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

I know this will sound like I'm defending him, but my husband does love the kids. My daughter watches about 2 hours of TV a day at most (usually less). My husband also takes her to preschool three days a week and she is regarded as advanced, even though she was one of the youngest. I will say that he tries to work with her.

But he doesn't go to bed at a reasonable hour and is tired the next day. Thus, the tv. She actually turns it off herself and plays. But it upsets me that he sleeps many days during the baby's nap while she is awake.

I have not moved the funds. I am scared about the adversity. I can have my final paycheck deposited into a new account (before I start my new job next month). It just scares me. It brings up a fear. He won't hurt me or anything; but it will be very rough verbally. I know it is time, though.

And this is going to sound bad, but I don't know if I want to salvage this relationship. My husband is a loser who didn't provide for his family at a time when we needed it. That was my pivotal point. I don't know if I can get past that.

I guess I feel more disappointed because I really think he doesn't get it. I don't think he realizes how wrong he's been, no matter if I tell him or not. He has a helicopter mom who swoops in to rescue him at any point. In fact, when he lost his job, his parents partially blamed me for having went back to school (instead of him for not getting to work on time). Really?!

I really do not believe he's cheating on me. He doesn't have the energy or motivation to cheat on me. His motivation is his stupid fantasy football (and hockey and baseball) and watching dumb shows on tv. He has always been a night owl, just like I used to be. But now I realize I have kids and have adjusted accordingly.

So, as far as spending time together, I don't think I want to. He gets on my last nerve. He's mean and I guess I've just come to realize we're never going to have anything in common. So what's the point? I am sad because I didn't want my kids to have to go through divorce. But I can't even see how he will change to the point of being worthy for me to continue this relationship.

This is my plan (that I am hoping I'm strong enough to follow through on):
1) Last paycheck will be deposited to a new account (and subsequent ones at my new job)
2) Husband will be given an ultimatum to get to bed by 11 pm and be able to parent properly.
3) Husband will get the ultimatum to look for jobs everyday.
4) Stop criticizing me in front of the kids. Just today, I heard, "You mommy is lazier than anything; at least I take care of you guys when I wake up with you" ...that was in response to me forgetting to give my daughter her water cup.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Oh, and for the past 6 months, I have been working 60 hours/week most weeks. Some days I would work from 7 am to 11 pm. I am exhausted physically. When I tell him this, he laughs and says, "You're not at home all day. At least you have time away." Is that a joke? I know staying home is trying, but I worked that time straight without breaks. Hardly time to eat or pee. When I asked respectfully that he give me a week to sleep in to try to recharge, he acted like I was asking for the world. He cannot understand what I've been through the last 6 months, nor does he care. I was so sad that I cried all the way to and home from work and then I would bust into tears at work sometimes. I missed my kids and wasn't sleeping but 4-6 hours most nights. I want to be the best mom I can be, but I need to rest. You'd think he'd see how hard this job has been for me. But instead, he told me, "Just suck it up and make money so we can get ahead." GRRRRR. Everytime I think of that statement, i get angry. "So WE can get ahead." He puts it all on me.

I am going to write down all of my feelings and ask to speak with him tomorrow night. We are going to discuss this tomorrow. We'll see what is going to happen, I guess.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your husband may be a child but unless you've maintained steady employment with the same job for over seven years, you really haven't earned the right to bust on him for losing his job. I work two jobs and my wife works none at all. Five years from now, I might be out of work and she might be providing primary support. One never knows what the future might bring. He supported the family while you concentrated on fulfilling your dream. You're obviously proud of your achievement but you didn't do it alone. No one asked him if his job was blowing his skirt up. It was paying the bills, so he was expected to go. If he had quit for a lower paying gig you would probably have been upset. This isn't a competition. It's a partnership. You win together or lose together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LH, look at his mother. That's what he wanted in a wife. It's your choice to become his new helicopter parent or not.

I have a book you need to read before you decide to leave the marriage. Read it out loud so he hears it, too. It's called His Needs Her Needs. If he's not willing to change after reading it, you may have a reason to leave. I'm hoping it will wake him up to what a marriage partner's responsibilities are.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

unbelievable -- HE DIDN'T SUPPORT US! He lost his job when I was halfway through school. And I was pregnant. And he did NOTHING for 8 months until he found a new one. He actually took my daughter to daycare during that time for socialization and went back home. There were days I would come home from school early to find him sleeping. He took our daughter to daycare so he could sleep.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Turnera -- I will look into that book. I have read so many books, my head is spinning (Divorce Busters, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, 7 Communication something or other...though I haven't finished that). My problem is that I start reading things, like Divorce Busters, and it seems like I would like to salvage our marriage. But then I will read something like, "When the two of you start living parallel lives, you are in the danger zone." Well, that's been going on for months, maybe years.

I keep coming back to the questions: Do I really want to be in this marriage? Can I imagine holding this man's hand when he's dying? Is his poor attitude ever going to change?

I maintain that all things do happen for a reason. I have two gorgeous children that I wouldn't trade for the world. Now I feel stuck in a marriage where my spouse _is_ a child. I suppose he always was, but now it feels worse because there are children involved that he has to take care of. Plus, he's become more and more involved in "fantasy" sports as he says, "What else do I have?" I am tired of being the one to put forth the effort -- I used to do it all the time, but I'm tired of it. I used to care. Now I just don't really. And that makes me sad and makes me question my next step. I never wanted to get a divorce, but I cannot live with a man who blames me for everything and takes no responsibility.

I will look for that book. I'm at the library right now, actually, but they don't have it. I will go to the bookstore later. Thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I usually recommend that women in your position either move out, or kick the husband out - at least temporarily. For one thing, he will HAVE to get a job to support himself, so that might kickstart him into working again. For another, it should make him realize what he's been taking for granted. For another, you just may realize that you have been codependently keeping him around out of fear, and being alone will show you you can survive without him.

Bottom line is this: he will never change unless YOU do something to upset the apple cart. My IC told me to stop propping my husband up - he will either fall flat on his face without me (the third leg), or he will learn to stand on his own two.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

I think you were right to leave that stressful job, the money certainly wasent worth it. I dont know your income but if you budget properly you should be able to live off of 1 income, you may not be taking beach vacation or rolling around in a brand new Cadillac but you will get by.

As far as him staying home, i can see two sides too it. The male roll of being the "provider" has certainly changed and it is fine for him to be a stay at home dad, however he needs to be putting full effort into it, being active with the kids, taking them to the park, cooking meals for them, not just sitting them in front of the TV. To me it sounds like he wants a free ride in life and is bitter he isnt getting everything handed to him.

As a side note, my sister considered going back to work after she had kids but realized at $10 an hour it wasent worth it by time taxes were taken out. She could "earn" more for the family by not having to pay for daycare, cutting coupons, packing lunches for her husband, planting a garden, searching craigslist, selling items on ebay, etc...


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