# Feeling bad for my daughter



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

As the saga of my separation continues, it takes an ugly turn of sorts. My middle daughter was so looking forward to seeing her mom tomorrow after school. So much so she wanted to ride the bus to her house (we live about two miles apart) and visit the afternoon with her mom. I told her to call her mother and ask her if it was okay for her to come by, then my daughter hit the brick wall. My STBXW told her no and when asked why she brazenly told her, "I have plans with OM tomorrow, sorry." My daughter was so heartbroken. Words cannot describe the anger that I feel over this situation. Poor girl. When I called to talk to her about it she said, "I don't need to see my kids every day you know." response. Again, my poor daughter, the real victim of her mother's adultery. I told her I loved her and that I cannot explain the reasons why her mother does what she does. I had to really bite my tongue to not bad mouth her in front of my kids. So selfish I must say to put an affair partner ahead of your own flesh and blood. 
We don't have a custody agreement because STBXW won't sign a separation agreement. My children live with me and she doesn't pay child support. Maybe it is time for that to change.


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

This breaks my heart! I am so sorry 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I think it IS time for that to change.
Get a ball rolling on it.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> My children live with me and she doesn't pay child support.


Have you been keeping a journal of this?


----------



## InTheBedIMade (May 20, 2012)

It's time for you to be the go between. I've been where you are, and understand how this feels but you are going to have to start lying for this woman. Curse her in your mind while you do it, but you're the adult an this will cause a lot o damage to your daughter if you allow it to continue. You make the call to her to have her spend time with the innocent bystander. When you get these bs excuses you don't mention the call to your daughter. You will hate every second of it but it's your job. You're not covering for this woman, you are saving your daughter. 

You do not need to prove to your kid that mom is a crazy *****, she'll come to this realization on her own and think of you as the bigger person that was always there for her.

I dont know you or your story, I do however know that sometimes people will push kids on a ws as a means to sabatoge the new relationship. This is a huge no-no. Again, I have no reason to believe you're doing this but I've seen it and it's not acceptable. The kids are the only important thing right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses and words of encouragement. 
@keko I have been keeping a log of this in a notebook to include date and time of communications and their nature as well as visits she has with the kids. 
@inthebedImade, I didn't know pushing kids on a WS was common as a means to wreck an affair relationship. I can see how it could because affairs are fantasy and kids represent reality and the two can't co-exist. I do understand about being the go between. My older children (14 and 11) normally are in the habit of just calling and talking to mom when they want. That will change from now on.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

InTheBedIMade said:


> It's time for you to be the go between. I've been where you are, and understand how this feels but you are going to have to start lying for this woman. Curse her in your mind while you do it, but you're the adult an this will cause a lot o damage to your daughter if you allow it to continue. You make the call to her to have her spend time with the innocent bystander. When you get these bs excuses you don't mention the call to your daughter. You will hate every second of it but it's your job. You're not covering for this woman, you are saving your daughter.


Totally disagree with this.
Her child has the right and need to know what her mother is.
Her mother has the responsibility to be straight with the kid.
Let them work it out on their own.



> You do not need to prove to your kid that mom is a crazy *****, she'll come to this realization on her own and think of you as the bigger person that was always there for her.


She will come to this realization sooner if you don`t cover for her wayward mother.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Fantastic! She's so screwing herself

The WS often cuts out everyone that brings guilt about their affair and will go to great lengths to hide from responsibility. You'll only see crumbs tossed at you or the kids once in a while whenever she gets bored, but only to keep you interested and feel she hasn't lost everything. This could be as little as a text or phone call once a week or once a month from any of you. The short answer to this problem is for the whole family to do the 180 and absolutely stop chasing after her or making any plans whatsoever. 

It's going to hurt your kids either way but I think they will understand this better if you can explain how mommy needs her time to miss them and the important lesson only you can teach them now..... Don't chase someone who doesn't want you or "he's just not that into you".


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Again, thanks all for your insight. My STBXW relented and cancelled her plans with OM and will be picking up our daughter after she gets home from school today. I agree that WS will do EVERYTHING in their power to get away from all responsibility and anything that brings reality into their fantasy. It is hard for me to understand this psychology because I am not like that.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No advice, MiVA, just letting you know that I'm thinking of you. So sad.


----------

