# Thinking Of Divorce Or Separation



## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

I'll summarize but basically my wife cheated on me about 13 years ago, two affairs that I know about, we separated for three years while she sowed her oats and eventually got back together. During the separation and affairs that were in my face my wife was very cruel to me, a lot of what she said still sticks today. After being separated for years she reached out to me and wanted to try to get back together. I admit I got back together for the wrong reasons, I wanted to raise my son and thought I could make it work. I was actually dating another woman who I liked very much, was around old friends, and working a good job, I was happy and doing well. But an obligation to my son brought me back. 

Fast forward 10 years later from when we reconciled and my wife has by all intents and purposes been a great wife, she's affectionate, kind, treats me well, our sex life is still not as active as I would like, but other than that we have a house three kids, and seemingly affectionate and solid marriage until about 3 months ago. I am miserable, I just can't get over the affair and things she did and said during our separation. If I bring it up all I get is "it was 10 years ago, I was young, get over it and I'm tired of apologizing". We're fighting all the time, not even about this per se, we're fighting because I'm mad and withdrawn, but I'm mad and withdrawn because of this.

I understand she doesn't want to keep discussing it, who would? I get that, but unfortunately that doesn't help me out at this point because I can't stop thinking about it and I've been basically suffering in silence for a decade. I regret that she now has to deal with this resurgence of emotions, but I am completely miserable in this marriage and I honestly don't feel like it's a good idea to keep it going, I'm never getting over this I know that. I don't have the personality type to just get over it, I wear my heart on my sleeve and this was a devastating three years in my life. It's gotten progressively worse as I get older, like it has more profound meaning or something, or I'm freaking out that I made a terrible mistake and went back with someone I should have ran far and fast from. I'm 36 and feeling like I wasted my life on someone who didn't deserve it and I should try to recoup what I have left. I'm also still reeling financially and professionally from what this three year fiasco caused, and I resent her for not being where I want to be in life.

I worry about my kids, but I'm angry lately, distracted, I can't concentrate at work, I resent my wife, I don't enjoy the marriage and basically just want to move on, my kids aren't getting the me they should be getting when I'm miserable at home. I'm not sure if I'm looking for anything I just needed to vent to an audience because I can't talk about this to her or anyone else.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

cuchulain36 said:


> I'll summarize but basically my wife cheated on me about 13 years ago, two affairs that I know about, we separated for three years while she sowed her oats and eventually got back together. During the separation and affairs that were in my face my wife was very cruel to me, a lot of what she said still sticks today. After being separated for years she reached out to me and wanted to try to get back together. I admit I got back together for the wrong reasons, I wanted to raise my son and thought I could make it work. I was actually dating another woman who I liked very much, was around old friends, and working a good job, I was happy and doing well. But an obligation to my son brought me back.
> 
> Fast forward 10 years later from when we reconciled and my wife has by all intents and purposes been a great wife, she's affectionate, kind, treats me well, our sex life is still not as active as I would like, but other than that we have a house three kids, and seemingly affectionate and solid marriage until about 3 months ago. I am miserable, I just can't get over the affair and things she did and said during our separation. If I bring it up all I get is "it was 10 years ago, I was young, get over it and I'm tired of apologizing". We're fighting all the time, not even about this per se, we're fighting because I'm mad and withdrawn, but I'm mad and withdrawn because of this.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you never really dealt with her affairs. Have you considered counseling?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Cuch... I'm sorry you're going through this.

Based on your post, it sounds like you never really "dealt" with the affairs on an emotional level. Being separated from her for three years was actually very good for you, but when she wanted back in, you let her come back and that's the point when you began "rug sweeping" the whole mess.

So, instead of dealing with all of the ugly nitty-gritty and sordid details, you swept it away, got back together with her for the wrong reasons, and now you're left with 13 years worth of unresolved emotional issues.

Her tendency to blow it off and tell you to "get over it" is heartless and cruel; she needs to own up to the affairs and figure out why the h*ll she did what she did. You know of two affairs, but no telling how many more men she slept with while you were apart for the three years.

You should go to individual counseling to deal with your emotions. Then you can decide whether you want to pursue marriage counseling with your wife.

P.S. You haven't wasted your life... you're only 36! I stayed in my lousy marriage until I was 45. I'm happier than ever, in a long-term relationship -- it's never too late to be happy. You have a lot of years ahead of you to find happiness with someone who loves you properly if you want out of this marriage.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Cuch... I'm sorry you're going through this.
> 
> Based on your post, it sounds like you never really "dealt" with the affairs on an emotional level. Being separated from her for three years was actually very good for you, but when she wanted back in, you let her come back and that's the point when you began "rug sweeping" the whole mess.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: Based on your post - your wife does not sound very remorseful.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

I'm not sure if she's remorseful, she certainly wasn't during the affairs and separation. I tend to think she viewed it as her right and because we married young it should just be ignored as youthful indiscretion. The only time she ever truly showed remorse was when our son passed away, she looked at me and apologized, it was the only time I got any impression she in fact felt bad for what she did, but even then I think she just felt bad for hurting me but doesn't view her affairs as necessarily wrong. She comes from a broken home and alcoholic mother so her emotions are very guarded where I can't mask my emotions very well, if I'm happy you know it, sad you know it, etc...

I definitely need individual counseling, no one should be this down all the time, I don't think it's depression I'm just not myself, I typically work very hard, get along, enjoy life, but it's been bad for several months. I'm having a real issue dealing with it and it feels like it's hitting me out of nowhere. I feel like I lost the best years of my life, maybe a midlife crisis?

I still love her, I just can't get past what she did and I don't know if I can be married to her and ever enjoy marriage with her again. Even 13 years later we can watch a movie where infidelity comes up and I get visibly uncomfortable. I still suffer bad anxiety before family parties or socializing with anyone who knows our past. If I try to talk to her she turns it around and says I'm being hurtful by making her constantly be punished by her actions 13 years ago (carried it on for three years though).

I don't know, thanks for letting me vent, I'll look up a good therapist by me and see how it goes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry for the loss of your son. How long ago was this?

Did the two of you talk much about her affairs and that 3 year period when she first came back? It's unclear if you did.

As others have said this needed to be dealt with years ago.

You say that several months ago you started to get more emotional about this. what happened several months ago?


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry for the loss of your son. How long ago was this?


My son passed five years ago, only lived one day and died suddenly, my wife was depressed for years over it.



EleGirl said:


> Did the two of you talk much about her affairs and that 3 year period when she first came back? It's unclear if you did.


We spoke but she isn't a good communicator, she shut down and just got upset and asked why I can't just get over it and why I'm punishing her, she said she was sorry and we need to just move forward.



EleGirl said:


> You say that several months ago you started to get more emotional about this. what happened several months ago?


She started withdrawing a bit, going to yoga five times a day after I came home form work, out of the house a lot more, going out with girlfriends, sex has been lacking, just brought back a lot of memories. That and I'm getting older and for the first time feel like I'm getting older, I'm re-evaluating my life and living with a lot of regrets.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cuchulain36 said:


> My son passed five years ago, only lived one day and died suddenly, my wife was depressed for years over it.


Ah, so it was not your older son who died. I had something similar happen to me with twins years ago. It’s very hard on a marriage. I’m sure it was very hard on both of you. 

What kind of help did your wife get for depression?




cuchulain36 said:


> We spoke but she isn't a good communicator, she shut down and just got upset and asked why I can't just get over it and why I'm punishing her, she said she was sorry and we need to just move forward.


It sounds like the two of you did not get any help with recovery from the affair. Often people do just sweep it under the rug. This approach seldom works. There is a process that requires that the couple do a lot of talking and working the marriage that works for most.

Even this is this years later, you two could get into counseling for affair recovery. If you want to do this, you could tell her that it’s not her, it’s you. You need help in getting over things and would like for her to help you with it. See if she will go.

Now, 13 years later, she is right that there needs to be a time when she is truly forgiven and the topic is not brought up all the time. If there is no redemption, then there is no reason for her to even try, especially since you say she’s been a good wife for 13 years now.




cuchulain36 said:


> She started withdrawing a bit, going to yoga five times a day after I came home form work, out of the house a lot more, going out with girlfriends, sex has been lacking, just brought back a lot of memories.


I can see where this would bring up a lot of unsettled issues. This alone is enough for you to get her to MC.



cuchulain36 said:


> That and I'm getting older and for the first time feel like I'm getting older, I'm re-evaluating my life and living with a lot of regrets.


You are 36. That’s far from old. I’m 65. I you are feeing old there’s an issue. You sound depressed. You might want to start out in individual counseling and start working on getting yourself to a better place emotionally. Then after a bit get her to join you in MC.

What kinds of thing do you do for yourself? Do you work out? Play any sports? Have any hobbies?


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Well I shouldn't give the impression things are perfect these past 10 years (affair was 13 years ago and we separated for 3), my wife never fully owned up to everything, I didn't find out about the first affair she had until about 5 years ago (I caught her originally on her second affair), then when we were reconciling about a week before I was ready to move back in after months of testing the waters with her I found flowers on her doorstep from a guy she was apparently dating during our reconciliation period. About 3 months after I moved in I found emails she exchanged with a male co-worker that was heavily flirtatious about meeting for drinks and going out. And the most recent event was probably three years ago where she asked a co-worker for drinks (male). She played down the meetings with co-workers as just friends, but given our past that just isn't right, especially to not mention it. Overall she has been a good wife and I don't suspect she has cheated since, but she has given me reason to not trust her.

So I found out in drips and drabs about her deception over the course of years and she always concealed the full extent of her affairs to the point that now I'm just supposed to accept that three year gap as a mystery hiatus and to just leave it alone. I was able to do this for a while but I can't any longer.

I am down, but I don't think depressed, I think at 36 you start questioning a lot of decisions, did I choose the right career, and where would I be if I just walked away 13 years ago, would my life be rebuilt with someone I can trust? Would I be happier?

I also hate my career, I'm an IT Director and it's incredibly stressful, I do it because I make enough money for her to stay home, and I went in this direction because she got pregnant young. She even messed up my chances at becoming a NY Fireman and Suffolk Sheriff because she wanted the bigger child support payments and I would have taken a massive pay cut to go from the IT field to Fireman or Sheriff. In the case of the NYFD job she hid my physical test appointment letter from me and I missed it, and the Sheriff job she called and said I was living in Queens as my permanent residence and not my mothers on Long Island (I was splitting time between the two places so I never lied). So I have a lot of resentment towards her over the fact that I'm stuck in a career I hate and too old and too much responsibility to do anything about it. She was really awful during the affairs and separation, man replaying the stuff she did it's downright insane I went back.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What kinds of thing do you do for yourself? Do you work out? Play any sports? Have any hobbies?


I lift weights, read, in school to get my degree in MIS (8 classes away), brew beer, collect watches... I have a ton of interests and hobbies I don't think I'm depressed at this point, just down and dealing with a lot of regret.

36 feels old for me, I missed my 20s so I'm really more like someone in their mid-40's.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

cuchulain36 said:


> Well I shouldn't give the impression things are perfect these past 10 years (affair was 13 years ago and we separated for 3), my wife never fully owned up to everything, I didn't find out about the first affair she had until about 5 years ago (I caught her originally on her second affair), then when we were reconciling about a week before I was ready to move back in after months of testing the waters with her I found flowers on her doorstep from a guy she was apparently dating during our reconciliation period. About 3 months after I moved in I found emails she exchanged with a male co-worker that was heavily flirtatious about meeting for drinks and going out. And the most recent event was probably three years ago where she asked a co-worker for drinks (male). She played down the meetings with co-workers as just friends, but given our past that just isn't right, especially to not mention it. Overall she has been a good wife and I don't suspect she has cheated since, but she has given me reason to not trust her.
> 
> So I found out in drips and drabs about her deception over the course of years and she always concealed the full extent of her affairs to the point that now I'm just supposed to accept that three year gap as a mystery hiatus and to just leave it alone. I was able to do this for a while but I can't any longer.
> 
> ...


You need IC to sort this out. She has not owned up to her affair and you have regrets about what you feel you missed out on and what she cost you. She has a lot to atone for not just the affairs. She cost you a career you wanted in addition to being a serial cheater. I dont blame you for questioning everything. I would not hesitate to get into counseling to help you make the decision to stay or go - you have a lot to sort out.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Brutal.

So much was rug swept, and she trickle-truth'ed a lot, was very deceptive, etc. Plus, her continued behavior would be hard to trust. No wonder it hasn't been easy. 

The career issue is also really horrible. Honestly, I don't know how you forgave that...actually, I'm not sure you did, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

36 is not old. I went through similar stuff, was married for 13yrs, together for 17yrs, 2 kids, and I'm 38. I started over at 34 and started living MY life...it's the best thing I ever did. The resentment doesn't go away when it's simply brushed off by the offender.

I would agree you should get some IC and figure out what direction you want to go. Life is short, you're not too old to start over, and neither is she.


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## wutsrongwthme (Jul 9, 2014)

cuchulain36 said:


> I lift weights, read, in school to get my degree in MIS (8 classes away), brew beer, collect watches... I have a ton of interests and hobbies I don't think I'm depressed at this point, just down and dealing with a lot of regret.
> 
> 36 feels old for me, I missed my 20s so I'm really more like someone in their mid-40's.


I am 34, I also collect watches. What is your favorite brand... I collect Invicta.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Cuch,
Good news! You are going to beat this problem.

Would you be happy if your wife gave you more live and affection?

You say that your wife has been good. Do you resent the fact that she is happy with the way things are?

Perhaps you can save your marriage, but if not you'll gain your freedom.

Don't nag your wife about her wild years. Concentrate on yourself. Do you work out?

Who initiates sex? 
Do you get rejected?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Just to update my wife and I talked and I think it's hopeless, she either gets super-defensive or just plays lip service to me without really getting anywhere. She's at yoga right now, if it isn't yoga she's out with her friends for dinner, drinks, if I complain about being #35 on her priority list she says I'm trying to control her (I'm not) I've simply explained if you keep building this life without me involved in it at all this won't end well. Married couples should do the majority of their socializing together, we do almost none unless it's with my friends.

My wife recently got her degree she's been working towards for five years while I worked and paid the bills (for the past decade), I always suspected she was biding her time until she got her degree, she recently got a job and her attitude shifted even more, I'm at the point where I feel completely duped. I think she got a taste of single-motherhood when we first split and didn't like it (she was in her early 20's) and she was having trouble meeting anyone who could handle a woman with a young child, or anyone reasonably mature. So she begged me back, said a lot of the right things, and the sex took off which she knew was an area of contention for me. But honestly I think she stayed with me to take care of her until she could get a degree and a good job. I don't think she cares at all if we were to divorce tomorrow to be honest.

I'm just going to work towards my Masters degree, my career, raise my kids, and get in better shape to up my bangability quotient and just not say anything anymore. I'm not invested in the marriage but I'll stay for the kids while preparing myself for the inevitable divorce whenever she decides it's over. I can't get over the cheating, I do resent her and it's just not worth trying to invest myself in a relationship with someone I know I will always resent and think a liar, I'll always question her motives no matter what and think she's manipulating me. So I'll stay but basically emotionally check-out of the marriage, I'm done, time to do something for myself for the first time in my life.

Thanks for the replies.



wutsrongwthme said:


> I am 34, I also collect watches. What is your favorite brand... I collect Invicta.


I collect mainly mechanicals, typically Japanese domestic market mechanicals like Seiko and Orient (not the cheap quartzes, Seiko makes some fantastic mechanical watches), a Seiko MM300 dive watch is probably the pinnacle of my collection, I also have a couple Swiss mechanicals, an Oris Diver and Ball Moonphase.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Cool watches. Seiko has made some great stuff. I used to dive with a Seiko apparel watch that was rated to 100m. It held up great. Later I bought the same watch made in Hong Kong or China, still Seiko but he quality wasn't as good. 

re: your marriage


> I also hate my career, I'm an IT Director and it's incredibly stressful, I do it because I make enough money for her to stay home, and I went in this direction because she got pregnant young. She even messed up my chances at becoming a NY Fireman and Suffolk Sheriff because she wanted the bigger child support payments and I would have taken a massive pay cut to go from the IT field to Fireman or Sheriff. In the case of the NYFD job *she hid my physical test appointment letter from me and I missed it*, and *the Sheriff job she called and said I was living in Queens as my permanent residence* and not my mothers on Long Island (I was splitting time between the two places so I never lied). So I have a lot of resentment towards her over the fact that I'm stuck in a career I hate and too old and too much responsibility to do anything about it. She was really awful during the affairs and separation, man replaying the stuff she did it's downright insane I went back.


What decent person could commandeer their spouse's career through duplicity?

She does yoga to block all the negativity of her life (you being a big part). The dinners with girlfriends are a reward for putting up with her unhappy marriage.

Once you divorce her, you won't feel 36 is so old. You will feel younger.

Step one put the 180 into effect to detach emotionally from her. You note that she doesn't care about you. Reciprocate. 

When your wife was seeing those other men she was comparing everything: sex, career, alpha vibe, humor, body odour, everything. She felt that you provided but never excited her.

If you do the 180 and by some chance she falls in love with you and starts to show empathy, not remorse, just empathy, then maybe you can have a new and better relationship. Why delay?

The only thing that might be a negative is spousal support. But she is going to look for a job soon, right?


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