# Next Step to Save my Relationship??



## bubblebuble

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We bought a new house and have lived together for just over 6 months. 


We were dealing with a lot of adjustments-blending families, I'm transitioning into a new career, he's taking night courses, we have 3 kids combined, etc. Busy... 


We have had our share of ups and downs. He can be very stubborn and sometimes gets in a "mood" where he becomes very irritable and shuts me out and it would make me very uncomfortable. Sometimes the moods lasted days. 


At one point I was wondering if I made the right decision to move in with him. I talked about selling the house and going our separate ways. He apologized, said he would work on himself and that to him we are forever. That after being divorced for 5 years and dating over that time, he knew I was special and that short of cheating or abuse, we can work through anything and that it's easier to fix what you have than walk away and start over again. That buying our house was a commitment and once we've saved some $ he wants to marry me. He did make noticeable changes and I was happy I gave him another chance and I also agreed with his relationship values.


I've been very stressed and irritable going through my job transition. He was very supportive when I would get down and remind me it's short term. But he did say I needed to improve the way I handle stress and not let it get me so down and anxious. At the time I thought I was handling things the best I could.


I wasn't seeing my contribution to our problems and was blaming him for being in a "mood". I once again talked about going our separate ways. A few days passed and he said he was done that he can't handle the way I handle stress and this is what I wanted. And he wants to sell the house.


At first I thought this was for the best. A month has passed. He's been staying at home only 2 or 3 days a week and lives in the basement. The rest of the time at this parents. 


After about 2 weeks I realized I was wrong. I don't want to break up with him. I love this man and although he is not perfect, neither am I and I agree with him that I wasn't handling my stress well. I've been working on myself this last month and will continue to. I've found de-stressors that work for me and feel happier in general. He said he didn't want to give me another chance that he didn't believe I could change and wants to sell our house. 


At first we were arguing alot. I begged him to give me another chance. The more I cried and begged, the more he pushed me away and was angry. 


I stopped talking to him about reconciling and gave him space.


Now when he is home we don't argue anymore. He is coming around where he asks how my day was and talks about his. But he still talks about selling the house (we plan to put it up in 2 weeks).


I believe in commitment and I believe in what he had told me when I gave him another chance. I want the same changes he does, not for him but also for me. I don't know what to do at this point. He is very stubborn.... I strongly feel that if we can give our relationship another chance, it will be much stronger. 


Too many people just walk away rather than fix what they have. In all relationships you have to reach a point of mutual understanding of each other. Unfortunately, as it is right now, I'm too late. 


Until we actually sell our house, I have hope but I don't know what to do?? I don't want to be too pushy and I don't know what I can do to retrigger the spark! I have gien him space and backed off. Now we are at a point where we talk not argue. Any suggestions to try to make more progress??


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## tracyishere

Well you never threaten to end a relationship unless you mean it. 

How can he trust that you value those commitments if you keep threatening to leave? You MUST stop doing that. 

Give him space. He has allot of emotions to sort through and he may need some time away to do that. 

Be strong, confident and pleasant. Those are attributes that attract people. Be loving. Listen without interrupting, becoming defensive or judgmental. Just LISTEN. Be supportive. Don't bring up old issues. Be present in the now. 

Good luck


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## bubblebuble

tracyishere said:


> Well you never threaten to end a relationship unless you mean it.
> 
> How can he trust that you value those commitments if you keep threatening to leave? You MUST stop doing that.
> 
> Give him space. He has allot of emotions to sort through and he may need some time away to do that.
> 
> Be strong, confident and pleasant. Those are attributes that attract people. Be loving. Listen without interrupting, becoming defensive or judgmental. Just LISTEN. Be supportive. Don't bring up old issues. Be present in the now.
> 
> Good luck


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bubblebuble

At the time I meant it as I didn't feel things would change. He showed me he was serious and made changes and thanked me for not giving up in him. I have been doing all the above and things are better as we are not arguing but he still wants to sell the house. We are supposed to be listing it in 2 weeks. 

I feel I need to talk to him about this but not sure how or when. He is very stubborn and defensive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere

I am familiar with a stubborn and defensive man. 
The best and sometimes only way I can communicate with my H over Hot topics is through text. 

Texting is informal. It allows the person a chance to think things over before replying and if you are able to type your thoughts in a loving empathetic or supportive manner it is hard for him to become defensive about it. 

If you don't text. I would either email him or write a letter. I am not a huge fan of letter writing as you never know if they actually read it or not. And they dont usually reply to a letter. At least my H didn't. 

Try texting if you can. Be very direct in your dialogue. Don't beat around the bush. Be simple. Example; babe, I am sorry. I was wrong. I love you and I wish to remain with you. Please forgive me. I have been getting help with my stress issues and I promise to you that I will remain committed in this relationship from now on. I hope you feel the same.


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## bubblebuble

I did write him a letter by email. That was also when I was overly emotional about this and it was too soon and before giving him any space. We do text and the responses were too little too late. I find texting is not good right now as he is behind a screen and seems to be different face to face.

I feel he is being so stubborn about this he is trying to convince himself that it's for the best and that he doesn't care. For example, I had sent him a text a couple weeks ago saying that I missed him. He said I need to move on and that he doesn't care if I miss him, what I am doing, what's going on with me etc. I stopped texting him after that.

Then a couple days later when he came home he was asking how my day was, how was work and telling me about his day. We both smoke and this seems to be the only time we get to talk. He seems to follow me outside everytime I go and the last couple times he asked me to come outside with him..

He takes pills for depression. I think his "moods" have to do with this. Once he is in a mood he is very very stubborn and distant and it's hard to get inside his walls. But he has always thanked me and appreciated that I stood by him through those tough times. 

But don't get me wrong, for the most of it, he is a sweet, dedicated, loving man and father who is very supportive of his partner and very faithful.


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## tracyishere

bubblebuble said:


> I did write him a letter by email. That was also when I was overly emotional about this and it was too soon and before giving him any space. We do text and the responses were too little too late. I find texting is not good right now as he is behind a screen and seems to be different face to face.
> 
> I feel he is being so stubborn about this he is trying to convince himself that it's for the best and that he doesn't care. For example, I had sent him a text a couple weeks ago saying that I missed him. He said I need to move on and that he doesn't care if I miss him, what I am doing, what's going on with me etc. I stopped texting him after that.
> 
> Then a couple days later when he came home he was asking how my day was, how was work and telling me about his day. We both smoke and this seems to be the only time we get to talk. He seems to follow me outside everytime I go and the last couple times he asked me to come outside with him..
> 
> He takes pills for depression. I think his "moods" have to do with this. Once he is in a mood he is very very stubborn and distant and it's hard to get inside his walls. But he has always thanked me and appreciated that I stood by him through those tough times.
> 
> But don't get me wrong, for the most of it, he is a sweet, dedicated, loving man and father who is very supportive of his partner and very faithful.


My H has those moods as well. And is also being treated for depression. Hmmmm. 

One thing I read to test how far your relationship is in this negative space is by reminiscing about your past together. 

Next time you get a chance to talk. Reflect on a good moment that you had. Be casual about it, laugh. Whatever. Don't make it sound like your making a plea. 

If he responds positively to this and also looks back at it fondly then chances are you have some time to swoon him. 

If he responds negatively by being critical or insulting chances are he is so far detached that it'll be hard to win him over again

Once someone becomes that way their memories of that person become skewed. They will see only the faults in every situation, and. Often times don't even know why they ever fell in love with the person to begin with.


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## bubblebuble

tracyishere said:


> My H has those moods as well. And is also being treated for depression. Hmmmm.
> 
> One thing I read to test how far your relationship is in this negative space is by reminiscing about your past together.
> 
> Next time you get a chance to talk. Reflect on a good moment that you had. Be casual about it, laugh. Whatever. Don't make it sound like your making a plea.
> 
> If he responds positively to this and also looks back at it fondly then chances are you have some time to swoon him.
> 
> If he responds negatively by being critical or insulting chances are he is so far detached that it'll be hard to win him over again
> 
> Once someone becomes that way their memories of that person become skewed. They will see only the faults in every situation, and. Often times don't even know why they ever fell in love with the person to begin with.



Ok I will try that. I think right now he is in the latter stage 
He hasn't been home since last Monday except to stop and grab a few things but he will be here all week as his kids are coming for the week.

Before I started this talk of selling the house we were once almost as distant from each other but we still slept in the same bed. We had an amazing night together and he popped out of his "mood". But I don't think at this point, sneaking downstairs and trying something like that would work or would it? Or do you think it would result in him feeling disrespected? At that time had told me that he needed to be reconnected with me and that he was sorry and deep down was just "stuck". 

I really don't know what to do... I feel if I can break through his wall and mood we can get through this and have a much better and more understanding relationship. I know when a relationship is over and I have thought over and over am I hanging onto something that is truly gone and I really believe there is hope. 

I feel like I am running out of time as there is only 2 weeks left before the house goes up. If all else fails, what do I do as my last resort?


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## tracyishere

bubblebuble said:


> Ok I will try that. I think right now he is in the latter stage
> He hasn't been home since last Monday except to stop and grab a few things but he will be here all week as his kids are coming for the week.
> 
> Before I started this talk of selling the house we were once almost as distant from each other but we still slept in the same bed. We had an amazing night together and he popped out of his "mood". But I don't think at this point, sneaking downstairs and trying something like that would work or would it? Or do you think it would result in him feeling disrespected? At that time had told me that he needed to be reconnected with me and that he was sorry and deep down was just "stuck".
> 
> I really don't know what to do... I feel if I can break through his wall and mood we can get through this and have a much better and more understanding relationship. I know when a relationship is over and I have thought over and over am I hanging onto something that is truly gone and I really believe there is hope.
> 
> I feel like I am running out of time as there is only 2 weeks left before the house goes up. If all else fails, what do I do as my last resort?


How is it going?


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