# Sex problem



## Fixingmybrokenheart (Jan 6, 2016)

My husband and I met year 2006. We got married on year 2009. We have a child. Since 2010 I notice a big change about our sex-communication. I caught him watching porn on his pc many times and it hurts me so bad everytime he masturbate while watching. He doesn't want me. All he say is because hes a man. All man do it. Even they have a wife. I tried to understand him and let him. I offer him that i can help him if he want to. So then we always have sex while he watching porn. 

It makes me really sad. Because I dont feel that he love me. 5years have past, now he is asking me to have a threesome! I feel so shocked. But then trying to understand him and I want him to trust me. So I said ok. First, he wants me to find a guy but I said I dont know anyone. He ask me my friend. Deep inside of me I really dont want to so I just say ok but I dont do any move about it. 
After a week, he ask about my sister while were having sex he started to talk about it. I just say oh ok i ask her. But of course on my mind I dont want to. its really hurt me so bad!!! 
I dont know what to do. I love him so much and I dont want to lose him. He tells me that he loves me too. One time, I ask him a divorce if he want to be free. But he said no. He said he really love me.he said it many times. The only problem is our sexlife. I am so confused. Please give me advice. 
Thank you for reading.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Don't do it. Tell your H that him asking for a 3rd person to join in intimacy with the 2 of you is extremely hurtful. If he cannot accept that and forget having a threesome, then in the end he never truly loved you the way you thought that he did. You may have to grieve over this loss, but in the end you will be much, much better off refusing the threesome than engaging in it only to try to curry favor with your H. Chances are it would not be enough for him anyways and you would lose your self respect on top of that.

Also consider, what if the guy you have the threesome with develops feelings for you and you for the OM due to the actions of your H? Just a giant mess that isn't worth pursuing.


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## Fixingmybrokenheart (Jan 6, 2016)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Don't do it. Tell your H that him asking for a 3rd person to join in intimacy with the 2 of you is extremely hurtful. If he cannot accept that and forget having a threesome, then in the end he never truly loved you the way you thought that he did. You may have to grieve over this loss, but in the end you will be much, much better off refusing the threesome than engaging in it only to try to curry favor with your H. Chances are it would not be enough for him anyways and you would lose your self respect on top of that.
> 
> Also consider, what if the guy you have the threesome with develops feelings for you and you for the OM due to the actions of your H? Just a giant mess that isn't worth pursuing.


Thank you so much for fast reply. I feel a relief. I am so thankful that I found this site. 

I really hope that he realize my worth.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Fixingmybrokenheart said:


> ...he is asking me to have a threesome! I feel so shocked....
> 
> ...After a week, he ask about my sister while were having sex...


(with my dark sense of humor!)

... so what are you waiting for? Next time just before he has his orgasm, tell him you will do a threesome with his grandma, because she is so sweet and everything. But mention that you are concerned about how his grandma reacted when you asked because she got upset, and ask him to have a talk to her for you! 

...seriously talking, whenever your husband wants to watch porn, just start every device in your house to start streaming HD movies from YouTube, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, or whatever you have available. It will make bandwidth at his computer slow to a crawl and he will not be able to enjoy his porn.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Fixingmybrokenheart said:


> My husband and I met year 2006. We got married on year 2009. We have a child. Since 2010 I notice a big change about our sex-communication. I caught him watching porn on his pc many times and it hurts me so bad everytime he masturbate while watching. He doesn't want me. All he say is because hes a man. All man do it. Even they have a wife. I tried to understand him and let him. I offer him that i can help him if he want to. So then we always have sex while he watching porn.
> 
> It makes me really sad. Because I dont feel that he love me. 5years have past, now he is asking me to have a threesome! I feel so shocked. But then trying to understand him and I want him to trust me. So I said ok. First, he wants me to find a guy but I said I dont know anyone. He ask me my friend. Deep inside of me I really dont want to so I just say ok but I dont do any move about it.
> After a week, he ask about my sister while were having sex he started to talk about it. I just say oh ok i ask her. But of course on my mind I dont want to. its really hurt me so bad!!!
> ...


You guys need to reconnect on a romantic level. He likely feels that sexual enjoyment is an article of the past unless things change. That's crap. With a release of emotions (gift of love) comes sexual fulfillment. When the two of you reconnect, you can explore more exciting 1 on 1 sex.

Relationship Teacher


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
OK I'm a man with a high sex drive. I watch porn. 

I've never turned my wife down for any sort of intimate or sexual activity that she wanted, unless I was physically ill, or physically unable to do what she asked. (both very rare).

The 3-some fantasy is fine AS A FANTASY. I have no problem with anyone who wants to imagine doing that. But in reality it is almost always an extremely bad idea. Very few people have the right emotional makeup to have sex with a 3rd person without getting emotionally involved in a bad way - and obviously all 3 people need to feel that way. Very few people can avoid being jealous in that situation. Also, I think for it to work the two same-sex people need to be moderately bisexual to enjoy each other's company in a sexual way. (even for a FMF). 

A former girlfriend of mine was the 3rd in a MFF (or FMF) threesome. She said that while she physically had fun, afterwards it left her feeling unhappy and sort of used. She didn't blame them, she had fully consented - but even as open minded as she was, she found the reality to be distasteful. 


I put 3somes in the same category as wanting to become the sex slave of a tribe of amazons, or having a relationship with a kinky billionaire - best kept in the imagination, 


I don't object to porn itself, but some people (like the OP's husband), fail to recognize it as fantasy and think it somehow represents reality.


FWIW - for the small percentage of people where 3somes work, they are welcome to enjoy them, and I am envious of their mental / psychological flexibility.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Fixingmybrokenheart said:


> My husband and I met year 2006. We got married on year 2009. We have a child.
> 
> *....I caught him watching porn on his pc many times and it hurts me so bad everytime he masturbate while watching.* He doesn't want me. All he say is because hes a man. *All man do it. Even they have a wife*. I tried to understand him and let him. *I offer him that i can help him if he want to. So then we always have sex while he watching porn.*
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. As David Schnarch has said in his books the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible, marriage is incredibly hard to do well and takes an enormous amount of work.

The reason is that it involves two people who are almost always growing and emotionally maturing. That means that one of the two has changed and that means that their spouse either needs to catch up or pull them back from where they now are emotionally. 

You and your husband have known each other for nine years and you have added a child to your lives. That has changed the two of you. Now you need to work on getting your lives in synch with each other. That is usually done through communication and negotiation. 

You and your H both need to work toward compromises that you can both live with and that don't violate either of your moral values or other boundaries.

A few thoughts. First of all not all, but most men do masturbate, even if they have wives. However, it is usually not to an extent that interferes with their sexual relationship to their wives.

You should be proud and greatful that your H is a sexual being with sexual interests. You did something very wise in offering to have sex with him after his porn viewing as a way of using that to build, rather than divide your closeness. Well done. 

Still don't disapprove of his wanting to masturbate and don't be shocked or hurt. It is not a negative statement about you and your ability to please him. If you continue in that attitude, he will like view masturbation as shameful and something he has to hide from you. Hiding things in marriage is not good. So yes, tell him that you want to hold him in your arms if and when he masturbates, so that you, his wife, are part of his sex life and he doesn't feel a need to hide anything from you.

As to the threesome. If you don't want to do it, tell him. Explain to him what your fears are and be brave in talking to him. Don't just avoid confrontation. There are lots of good reasons why a 3-some is not a good idea for most marriages, but you have to explain your reasons to him. Listen carefully to him if he tells you why he wants a 3 some. 

I find it odd that at first he asked for another man to join you and then later a woman and in particular your sister. That speaks volumes to me. Usually, if a person wants a 3-some it is not just another body they are looking for, but someone of a specific sex to do specific sex acts that they can't get from their spouse alone. Asking for a relative, is highly disrespectful to the family unit and your relationship with her. It also raises huge trust issues about him in my mind. Those are things you might want to discuss with him.

Since you have a child and you say and you said he has said that both of you want to continue being married, I would suggest you might want to talk to a sex therapist or marriage counselor. My gut feeling is that this is more about other marital issues than just his masturbating and wanting a 3-some. 

If I were in your shoes, I would schedule time with a sex therapist for the two of you to discuss your relationship and where *....The only problem is our sexlife*. 

Before that I would sit down with him and tell him you need to have a serious discussion. Tell him you love him. Tell him you respect him. Tell him you want to make him happy. But also tell him that you have boundaries and some of the things he wants are troubling for you.

Tell him that while you don't like his watching porn and masturbating, you have offered to have sex with him after he watches porn and that is because you want his having sex to be something that the two of you share as husband and wife. Tell him that if he feels a need to masturbate (and you are OK with it) that you would like to hold him in your arms. 

I would also tell him that you really aren't comfortable with the idea of a threesome, but you want to understand why he thinks it might be a good idea and what aspects of it would strengthen or make your marriage stronger. Listen to him ask questions to learn more. Then share with him your honest feelings about what you do or do not want to do that.

Oh, and don't have any more children until you and your H work this through. Good luck to you.


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## Fixingmybrokenheart (Jan 6, 2016)

Thank you so much for your advice. I am reading it many times. 

I really feel stress and I am so ashamed to talk anybody personally.

He is a good father and good provider. I feel like he is different when it comes to sex. He start talking dirty and it annoys me really not turning me on. He treat me like a sex toy. Lately, he comes first and never do any effort to finish me. It really hurts when he said that I should do it on my own. 

We sleep together when I ask him. Mostly he want to sleep in the couch because he watch tv late at night.but I understand he surely want to watch porn! I am not liking it. But next day I just feel I need to accept it and be realistic. All men are the same. Am I wrong? 

I will try to talk to him on weekend. Thank you for all your advices. You guys give me courage. Godbless you all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

All men do not watch porn to the point that they do not want to have sex with their wives. And most men would want to make sure that their wife is able to have an orgasm during sex. 

Your husband has developed selfish habits in regards to sex.

Are there marriage counselors where you live?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it seems like this is becoming more and more common, it's alarming.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You have every right to expect satisfying sex life with your husband, and most men really enjoy pleasing their partners. In fact many men take pride in being very good lovers. 

His behavior is unusual and wrong - but not very rare. Sadly there are a lot of marriages where sex is bad for one or both partners. Men getting unrealistic ideas about sex from porn is unfortunately quite common.






Fixingmybrokenheart said:


> Thank you so much for your advice. I am reading it many times.
> 
> I really feel stress and I am so ashamed to talk anybody personally.
> 
> ...


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## Fixingmybrokenheart (Jan 6, 2016)

Yes I know. Its really hard. 

We talked last night. 
He said sorry. And he is really sick!
I accept it. 

One thing I didnt tell you guys,
He is diabetic. He just stop taking his medecine a year ago when he start having erection without viagra. We thought its cured. Its really hard for him to cum. 
I understand why he watch porn. He tried to be honest to me and thats what I am thanking for. But he's been too addicted to it. And that's the problem. 

I will try to be more realistic.
He is still the father of my child. He supports us in everything. He gives me anything I want (except in making love). But I realize that marriage is not just about having a great sex, its how we build as a family. 

Thank you guys for all your concern. 
Godbless you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Fixingmybrokenheart said:


> We talked last night.
> *He said sorry. And he is really sick!*
> I accept it.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll play devil's advocate for a moment. Perhaps your husband feels sexually broken and inadequate and is ashamed of himself. 

If he says he is really sick and you accepted it, you are affirming to his self confidence that he really is broken and has a legitimate reason to hate himself. 

A person in his situation might need to feel loved and unconditional acceptance in order to let go of his shame and hate for himself, to eventually reconnect with you. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

This is the classic example of your husband objectifying you. Don't let him, and stop letting him make you feel bad. He is addicted to porn and trying to turn his sex life into the sick and ridiculous crap he sees on screen. Get rid of him and find yourself a man that actually grew up.


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## Joe75 (Oct 12, 2013)

Fixingmybrokenheart said:


> He is diabetic. He just stop taking his medicine ... . We thought its cured.


Hi Fixingmybrokenheart

There is no cure for diabetes; rather, it is a disease that is managed throughout one’s life. Therefore, for a diabetic, normally “stop taking his medicine” is not a good thing. Before I expand further on this, I am assuming your husband has type 2 diabetes - please can you confirm. Also, can you provide the following information: 

1. what is the age of your husband?
2. how old was he when he was diagnosed with diabetes?
3. is he overweight or obese?
4. does he exercise?
5. does he eat a balance diet with the aim of keeping his blood glucose levels as close to normal as possible (note, exercise and weight also have their parts to play in achieving this aim as well)?
6. does he suffer from depression (extended periods or off and on)?
7. does he suffer from fatigue? 
8. what medicine was he taking?

Regards

Joe75


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## Fixingmybrokenheart (Jan 6, 2016)

Joe75 said:


> Hi Fixingmybrokenheart
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Joe75 (Oct 12, 2013)

Hi Fixingmybrokenheart

I have read your reply and request you answer a few more questions as follow:

1. what is the nationality of your husband?
2. what is your nationality?
3. what country are you living in presently?
4. does your husband have type 1 or type 2 diabetes?

Just so that you know, I am Canadian and therefore, what information I pass about diabetes is from this North American/Canadian perspective.

The reason I am asking question number four, as I have made the assumption that your husband had type 2 diabetes; but, his use of injectable insulin, and noting his age when diagnosed, has made me ask for this clarification. There are three types of diabetes; type 1, type 2 and gestational. Gestational diabetes may occur when a woman is pregnant and therefore, it is not relevant in regards to your husband.

Type 1 Diabetes. Most people make insulin in their pancreas. If you have type 1 diabetes, your body does not make insulin. Insulin helps glucose from the foods you eat get to all parts of your body and be used for energy. But if your body no longer makes insulin, you will need to take _*insulin injections *_for the rest of your life. Type 1 diabetes can occur at any age; but, it most often occurs in children and young adults under thirty.

Type 2 Diabetes. If you have type 2 diabetes, your pancreas usually makes plenty of insulin; however, your body cannot correctly use the insulin you make. This type of diabetes was formerly called adult-onset diabetes. It is most common in people over the age of 40. However, due to the North American lifestyle, it is starting to appear in people in their thirties and twenties in greater numbers. Type 2 diabetes is associated with obesity, physical inactivity, family history of diabetes and ethnicity.

In managing type 2 diabetes, treatment is normally ‘a pause and see if it works’ approach starting with lifestyle changes such as eating the right foods, undertaking physical activity and losing weight. If this fails to control the disease then oral medication such as metformin will be used with _*insulin being introduced at a later point if required*_. 

Regards

Joe75


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