# Is my marriage turning toxic?



## nutshell (Nov 4, 2009)

Hi all, 

I'm new to the forum and in need of some solid advice. My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3 of them. Things have been wonderful for the most part. However, some recent things have been making me second-guess our relationship. She has begun telling me how she is the "sole care-taking" or our daughter, even though I do my best to help out. She also has been criticizing me for not helping her enough with house work. I help were I can, but I also have a lot of my own work to do around the farm.

The big thing that really got me thinking was last week when we got into a heated discussion of how to spend our Saturday night. We had plans to go out with friends, then she suddenly changed her mind and wanted a "nice dinner and a movie". We haven't been out together with our friends for over a year. I told her we could do dinner and a movie any weekend, and that we should go with our friends. She went into a tirade about how I only ever want to go to the bar and I never think about what she wants. So I said, fine, we'll do dinner and a movie instead. Well, by then it was too late. No, we'll go to the bar, because that's what I wanted. Then I was informed how whenever I don't get what I want, I pout and ruin her night, so it's just easier to give in. She said it "hurts her too much" to see me sad so she just gives me what I want. I asked her why I'm not allowed to be disappointed. She told me I need to just "suck it up" and deal with it, because that's what she does for me.

Some days she gets home and is absolutely wonderful. Others, she walks in the door in a foul mood. Other times still, she will be in a good mood, then fly off the handle over something trivial.

I'm worried my marriage is becoming toxic. I'm getting guilt trips for things I shouldn't feel guilty about. I'm starting to wonder what wife will come home at the end of the day. I noticed this behavior increasing in the last few weeks. My wife grew up in an emotionally abusive household, and has low self-esteem. I've done some internet research about emotional abuse/manipulation, and I'm seeing several red flags popping up. Am I headed down a slippery slope???


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

How old are you guys?

Are these reactions/emotions something that was going on before you were married?


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

It sounds like she is wanting quality time with you and her viewpoint of priorities versus yours are on seperate pages. I think she is asking you to put her first before anyone or anything else. It doesn't sound like she is being selfish or unreasonable to be honest. 

What kinds of things do you two do together that she likes or might be more of a priority for her other than going to the bar, which doesn't sound like is really something she does for herself but more for you?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

nutshell-

How is your sex life? That is the barometer of everything else...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

She wanted to spend time with you and you said NO.. She isn't important enough to blow off friends to spend time together. IE your friends rank higher then her. This is probably how she is looking at it.. Don't worry about not going out with friends in a year make ANOTHER weekend plans with them. You had it backwards.


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## nutshell (Nov 4, 2009)

I should have cleared this up earlier. We do spend quality time together. We have a few TV shows we watch together (after baby's in bed) every week. We eat dinner together every night. Most nights, we spend 30 min. to and hour just laying in bed and talking. We still cuddle, hug, hold hands, etc. Most of the time, our marriage is great! Sex life is pretty good, too.

The pinch is these episodes where she just falls apart. She has had these reactions before, but not for a long time. What got me was not that she wanted "dinner and a movie", but that when I disagreed with her, she insisted that I have no right to feel disappointed. And to that point, I'm pretty sure that when I am disappointed, I don't ruin her night by constantly moping. 

I have dealt with her low self-esteem and insecurity for a long time. I have been supportive and help where I can, but I'm getting concerned because her parents have a terrible marriage. Her mother is emotionally manipulative and controlling to the point where she needs professional help. Her father can be a general ass when he wants. They fight, bicker, insult and undermine each other constantly. The only reason they are still married is basically to spite each other.

I see some of these traits showing up ever so slightly in my wife. I don't want to end up like her folks. I will NOT let my life become like that.

What I need to know is, can I resolve this before it gets out of hand, or do these things never really go away?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I hate to break it down this way - but honestly this is how I look at it and I am in a very happy 20 year marriage. 

Most things are important to my wife. Most things are NOT important to me. 

So we have what we jokingly refer to as my 5 percent. 

In my 5 percent I will fight until one of us just cannot take the pain anymore. In twenty years it I have only conceded the field once in my 5 percent. 

In the remaining 95 percent I try to be as easygoing and agreeable as possible. Every once in a while we have conflict but it is rare. 

My 5% consists of:
- Being treated in a respectful manner - don't be rude/nasty - don't speak to me like I am stupid or your servant. Treat me the way you want to be treated. 
- Being consulted on all major decisions regarding the kids 
- Being my wifes second priority right after the 3 kids
- Having a great sex life

That is pretty much it. The first one is a big one. We sometimes will have an intense conflict when she is in full blown PMS mode and being not nice for no good reason. 

As for plans with friends. If we have plans with friends - we do not blow them off to do something else. No way. Not cool. If we have plans for just us - she can change her mind as much as she wants up til the moment we walk out the door and I just smile and nod. Because I will have fun doing anything with her. 

I imagine there are guys have way more control in their marriage then me. That is fine. I doubt most of em are as happy as me. And then I read about the guys have zero control in their marrriage - dead certain none of them are happy. I carved out my 5 percent early. If I just say to my wife "that is in my 5 percent" usually the conversation goes very easy after that. I just don't ask for much, so when I ask I expect to be accomodated. 

If I had been 100 percent flexible - instead of 95% - this marriage would never have worked. 




nutshell said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I'm new to the forum and in need of some solid advice. My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3 of them. Things have been wonderful for the most part. However, some recent things have been making me second-guess our relationship. She has begun telling me how she is the "sole care-taking" or our daughter, even though I do my best to help out. She also has been criticizing me for not helping her enough with house work. I help were I can, but I also have a lot of my own work to do around the farm.
> 
> ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> If I had been 100 percent flexible - instead of 95% - this marriage would never have worked.


Perfect 




nutshell said:


> What got me was not that she wanted "dinner and a movie", but that when I disagreed with her, she insisted that I have no right to feel disappointed. And to that point, I'm pretty sure that when I am disappointed, I don't ruin her night by constantly moping.


The episode you refer to is a classic, believe it or not. There are men who write seduction manuals (for men) who talk about this very situation.

Basically, your wife could not make up her mind. She was not all that interested in going out on the date that was prearranged, but neither was she 100% hot about staying in.

What you need to do in this situation next time it occurs is save her from herself. Pick the choice that you feel will bring the most enjoyment to both of you, (or if she is in a foul mood, the choice that will suit you the most, as nothing will make her happy at that point), and stick to your guns. This will be such a relief for her. You see, indecision is torture for certain types of people. Rescue them, and you are the hero. 

In the above situation you mentioned before, I would have first of all checked with her to make sure nothing dramatic had happened, like: had she suddenly fallen out with one of the people you were meeting up with. If the answers to all such concerns were know, I would have said, "that's our arrangement, let's stick with it - you will find yourself enjoying it once you relax". Then conversation closed. And you need to stick to your guns. So if she won't get ready make it clear you will leave without her. And then do so if you have to. Never argue. It's very childish and destructive.


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## nutshell (Nov 4, 2009)

MT,

That's exactly what I ended up doing. My wife is the most indecisive person I know. I told her, let's go out and if you're absolutely bored, we'll come home. Turned out, she had a blast! She had fun, I had fun, we had great sex afterwards. Triple score for me!

It just caught me off guard that it had to turn into such a drama first. She hasn't pulled anything like that in a long time. Something must be bothering her emotionally, because that's what has triggered these things in the past.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

nutshell said:


> Something must be bothering her emotionally, because that's what has triggered these things in the past.


Try to become sensitive enough to "hear it". Or see it, or feel it, depending on her *inner language* and yours. Here is an article that changed my marriage:

"Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library

In the meantime, keep up the firmness, it will make her feel safe and secure. If you stand up to a woman in a fun loving way, it also makes them very turned on over time because they see you as a man who will protect them from the onslaught of the outside world. Men who can't stand up to their wives are perceived as weak and booring: "If he can't even stand up to me, how's he going to protect me from real threats?". 

I don't think your marriage is toxic at all. Your wife does seem to need extra support right now. I think you are already on the right track, you just needed a thumbs up


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## nutshell (Nov 4, 2009)

Thanks for all the help, everyone. It has been pretty good the last couple days, so hopefully things are coming back into balance.


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