# He says he doesn't love me anymore?



## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi, I'm new to this forum and am looking for some advice. We've tried talking to family and that doesn't work, and none of my friends have ever been in this position, let alone been married or had kids, so I can take or leave their advice.

My husband and I will have been married 2 years this June. No, it hasn't been glorious the last 2 years, that's for sure. I acted like an a**, and I know that now. I didn't know it then, as I wouldn't have done it, but I know it now and I'm trying to rectify it.

We had a long distance relationship for about 4 months prior to our wedding while he moved to where we live now for a job, and while I finished my last bit of college, lived with my family, and planned the wedding. It took a little time to get used to each other again (at least it did on my end - he's very big into physical touch (hand holding, back rubbing, always touching, kisses, hugs, etc.), and I had to get back into the swing of that (it makes me sad now to think of how much I love physical touch with him and how did I ever get "tired" of it?!)). Then he flew back after the wedding and I drove 3,000+ miles with my family to reunite with him at our new hometown.

I got pregnant almost immediately and didn't handle it well. I didn't exercise nearly as much as I should have (really, hardly at all - I would go on hikes early on but once the weather turned I did nothing as I was afraid of falling) and I ate very poorly. My husband admits that he is/was partly at fault for that, but, regardless, I put on about 100 lbs during my pregnancy. If, God willing, I ever become pregnant again, I will never do that to myself, my husband, or my child again. I lost 50 lbs almost immediately after the birth (I had a LOT of swelling) but only in the past month or so (one year after our son was born) ago did I really get serious about losing the weight with counting calories as well as exercising fairly rigorously. I have 50 lbs to lose to get to my prepregnancy/wedding weight, but have about 100 lbs to lose to get to my ideal weight. I have always been overweight, and really struggle with this, but finally feel as though I've made changes that will be a lifestyle change and will see me through success all the way to the end. My husband has been mildly supportive (lately...before, he went about it all the wrong way, where it wasn't motivating me, instead it was making me angry and sad, which only made me turn to food even more), more support/encouragement from him would be nice, but I also realize that I am doing this for myself, not anybody else, so I just know that when he starts seeing the changes in me he will be happy.

Anyways, throughout my pregnancy we bickered here and there, but it was nothing compared to what happened after our son was born. I had to have a c-section (our son was over 10 lbs and in no way was he going to come out any other way!), which lead to having a bit more recovery time, and then I also had a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in my lungs) which was very painful, required almost daily finger pricks at the doctor's office, twice-daily injections for the first two weeks, and was otherwise terrifying that I had a blood clot in my body.

I didn't adjust to being a mom very well (and, believe me, that is very hard to say/admit). Yes, I loved my son unconditionally. Yes, I fed him, changed him, cuddled him, played with him, etc. But beyond that, I struggled. I didn't go out and do things with him unless my husband was also there (couldn't carry the carseat at first because of the c-sec and blood clot, but then it turned into a dependency issue (again, I realize this now but never did then)). I wouldn't just put him down in his crib/swing/bouncer/whatever so that I could take a shower or clean the house or make dinner, instead I would hold him all.the.time. So, I became a lousy wife. A pretty good mom, but a lousy wife. My husband was busting his hump to get a business started and successful, while I also depended on him for everything.

I think, now, that I had postpartum depression, and possibly even depression in general (from when we moved here, a long ways away from my friends and family and everything I had ever known). About 4 months after our son was born, I knew I wasn't feeling right, and I was looking for help. I was just getting the courage to talk to my husband about it (who has been nothing but loving, supportive, and kind) when his mom verbally belittled me in a local restaurant. Among other things that she said, she accused me of being depressed. I immediately went on the defensive, and from then on I couldn't/didn't want to "admit" that maybe I was depressed. I think that had it been suggested that maybe I was depressed, rather than accusing me of being depressed, then maybe things would have been different. But, regardless, they weren't, and I felt it necessary to defend myself and prove that I wasn't.

It wasn't until recently (about a month ago now) that I honestly felt (feel) better. It's as though a fog has lifted and I am really myself. I can't explain it any differently than that. I now take our son places without my husband. I exercise regularly and eat much, much better. I am making amends with his family (or trying to, as much as they'll let me). I clean the house - and enjoy it! I make dinners. I can encourage my husband to go to the shop, it's ok, I'll handle things at home, whereas before I would have begged him to please stay home. The cleaning the house, making dinners, etc are two-fold, as not only am I doing things that I should have been helping to do all along, but his primary love language is Acts of Service, so now when I do them they really mean a lot to him, and when I wasn't doing them before, it was really hurting him in more ways than one.

My husband has stuck by my side through all of this, bless his heart. In the beginning, we would fight, make up, promise to do better, and that was that. But nothing would really change. We went to counseling last fall (son was 6 months old) and he taught us how to communicate more effectively with one another, and I won't deny that that has helped. I slooooooowly got better, but was never really all the way there.

But now, since "the fog" has lifted, I truly, honestly, 100% feel like the person I remember being. I'm excited to live here, establish our lives here, and make this place our home for a long time to come - I'm as excited about living here as I was when I told my husband that, yes, I would move here. I can finally let go of the desire to visit my home state and family as much as possible - instead, I want them to come here and experience this wonderful place where we live! I'm wholeheartedly excited at the opportunities that lie ahead of us with the growth of his (our!) shop/business, and I truly view it as ours, not "my husband's job that takes him away from me more than it's worth." I love that we can work as a team and make the business a success, allowing each of us to handle the side that plays the most into our strong points.

He has recently told me that he doesn't feel an emotional connection to our marriage any longer. I'm afraid that, despite doing everything "right" now, I burned him out with the year and a half of bad and he has nothing left to give. I'm trying to figure out how I can have him hold on, let me prove to him that this is the real me, and that this is the "new" normal. I am finally the wife he deserves to have, the wife he expected to have when he asked me to marry him, and we can have the marriage he expected to have when we said our vows. He says he is willing to try, and I only hope that he is able to forgive me for the past, open up his heart one more time, allow himself to love me and for me to love him, and give this another shot.

Does anybody have any advice? How do I rekindle the marriage with him? He even admits that I'm doing everything right, and he knows that he should be happy about that (he is happy about that), but it doesn't change the fact that he feels emotionally detached from our marriage/relationship. Do I just keep telling him that this is it, this is the real normal, that, given time, with him being happy that this is the new normal, everything else will fall back into place? Do I tell him that I was sick (depression is, after all, a very real medical malady), I'm better now, and would he please allow me the opportunity to prove to him that I'm the woman he thought he was marrying when he asked me and put a ring on my finger?

Thank you for your help, time, and advice. I know it was a long post.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I think you are being a little hard on yourself. And yes it sounds like you had a little postpartum depression. Which does not make you a bad person. And by the way his mother in law was way out of line to 'belittle' you like that. And what do you mean she accused you of being depressed - as if you were doing something wrong by being depressed. You didn't choose to have postpartum depression. It is something that just happens to women. And it sounds like you had a harder time of it because of the complications. And lots of women don't instantly have that magical bonding with their baby, for a lot of women it takes time. Few women will admit it, but it's true. Your hormones are taking you for one heck of a ride right after childbirth, and it's not always easy to focus on taking care of the baby while you are recovering from having it. You also had the home sickness thing going on - which again is perfectly normal. That also probably added to your hard time adjusting to being a mother since you didn't have your normal support people like your mother, family, friends around you. So stop being so hard on yourself. You can't do anything about the past anyway, you can only do something about what is going on now. 

Your husband is probably feeling the stress of the past year and the stress of trying to get a business started. Hang in there and don't give up. Some more counseling might be in order. Added communications skills are always great, but now you need to deal with how your husband is feeling. Don't think that one round of counseling is all you will ever need. I know couples that have gone to marriage counseling several different times over many years. And these are long term marriages, sometimes you need a little help and it is a smart couple that seeks it.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> I think you are being a little hard on yourself. And yes it sounds like you had a little postpartum depression. Which does not make you a bad person. And by the way his mother in law was way out of line to 'belittle' you like that. And what do you mean she accused you of being depressed - as if you were doing something wrong by being depressed. You didn't choose to have postpartum depression. It is something that just happens to women. And it sounds like you had a harder time of it because of the complications. And lots of women don't instantly have that magical bonding with their baby, for a lot of women it takes time. Few women will admit it, but it's true. Your hormones are taking you for one heck of a ride right after childbirth, and it's not always easy to focus on taking care of the baby while you are recovering from having it. You also had the home sickness thing going on - which again is perfectly normal. That also probably added to your hard time adjusting to being a mother since you didn't have your normal support people like your mother, family, friends around you. So stop being so hard on yourself. You can't do anything about the past anyway, you can only do something about what is going on now.
> 
> Your husband is probably feeling the stress of the past year and the stress of trying to get a business started. Hang in there and don't give up. Some more counseling might be in order. Added communications skills are always great, but now you need to deal with how your husband is feeling. Don't think that one round of counseling is all you will ever need. I know couples that have gone to marriage counseling several different times over many years. And these are long term marriages, sometimes you need a little help and it is a smart couple that seeks it.


Thank you for your words, they really mean a lot to me. My mother died not long after I turned 19, so not only was she not here, but she wasn't a phone call away, either.

We went to counseling again last week, but both my husband and I are questioning how helpful our counselor has been/can be. We explained to him how my husband has been feeling/is feeling, and we explained how I've changed. He encouraged us to keep trying, and he told me that it might take my husband a bit before he REALLY lets down his guard and tries, as we've kind of "been there, done that" with this before, and my behaviors always went back to what my husband wasn't happy with, so, yes, this time will take more time and I need to prove to him over a period of time that this IS the new normal.

He also told my husband to really focus on separating the person from the behaviors. My husband didn't like that I didn't do the dishes; he needs to separate the behavior (not doing the dishes) from me, which means he needs to not twist/displace not liking the behavior into not liking me. Neither my husband nor I think that my husband did/does this, so we're not sure how effective our counselor is. When I specifically asked the counselor "what about my husband's feelings that he could basically get up, walk out the door, never look back, and not regret it?" he just paraphrased his separating the person and the behaviors schpeal again, and told us to give it time.

Does this sound like good advice? Do you have a better suggestion of what to ask the counselor to better help him help us?

Thanks again for your reply.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

I agree with SadieBrown on all fronts. Maybe whilst you were suffering with depression your husband was holding everything together and now he's possibly going through something similar due to all the stressors you've both had to deal with. Keep those lines of communication open, let him know you feel better and are there for him and to support him now, let him know you love him and be patient, hopefully his "fog" will lift, as did your own, in time and things will balance out.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

nynaeve3 said:


> I agree with SadieBrown on all fronts. Maybe whilst you were suffering with depression your husband was holding everything together and now he's possibly going through something similar due to all the stressors you've both had to deal with. Keep those lines of communication open, let him know you feel better and are there for him and to support him now, let him know you love him and be patient, hopefully his "fog" will lift, as did your own, in time and things will balance out.


Thank you so much. I just hope he is willing to give it enough time to balance out, rather than end things too soon.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

With regard to your concerns about your counsellor, can you request a different one? The therapeutic alliance is important in counselling and you need to be going through the process with a professional you trust and are comfortable with.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

nynaeve3 said:


> With regard to your concerns about your counsellor, can you request a different one? The therapeutic alliance is important in counselling and you need to be going through the process with a professional you trust and are comfortable with.


There is only one here. We live in a very small town, on an island (the only town on the island). So unless we fly to a different town (one hour flight, which will get expensive!) for counseling, this is kind of our option. We both like the counselor, as a person, but aren't sure of his effectiveness in counseling our situation. Perhaps we just haven't asked the right questions of him?


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

MadeMistakes said:


> There is only one here. We live in a very small town, on an island (the only town on the island). So unless we fly to a different town (one hour flight, which will get expensive!) for counseling, this is kind of our option. We both like the counselor, as a person, but aren't sure of his effectiveness in counseling our situation. Perhaps we just haven't asked the right questions of him?


Maybe you just aren't telling him the right things. If you don't agree with what he said about needing to separate the actions from the person then tell him that. And then be open to discussion about it. It could be that he sees something in your interaction with each other that you don't see. That is why you go to counseling after all, to talk to an objective third party and to get a different prospective on your relationship.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please find some literature on PPD to show your h, so he knows you were not yourself -- and, without anyone else pointing it out, you could not have known how much it was affecting you or your thinking. That is the real risk of being away from those who know us; your life-long friends and family probably would have suggested something much sooner. 

Understanding that you really weren't "you" may help your h find the willingness to trust the real YOU, the person he knew before the depression. And on top of that, let him know that this is absolutely the hardest time in a marriage, adjusting to kids--and the two of you had so little time alone together before your son came. So, there are 2 good reasons for him to stick it out a bit longer to see if he feels differently. I think the suggestion that he is currently suffereing his own version of depression may be on target too--it's been hard on both of you! 

Good luck and I hope it works out. I think he'd find it hard to leave with your son so young, so that may give you time to show you are committed to change and to recovering the old you.


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