# A Major Problem Solving Problem



## Breezy55 (Aug 12, 2010)

Hi Everyone,

This is what I'm dealing with this week and I am truly sorry for how long this is. I'm hoping if I give a clear picture, someone will be better able to give some constructive criticism and/or advice.

My husband works from home and at times is still working when I get home from work. No big deal, I understand that is part of being self employed and he is good at finishing up in a reasonable amount of time.

I don't eat lunch at work so we are in the habit of having dinner soon after I get home - sometimes I cook, sometimes he does.

This past Monday, about an hour after I got home from work, he started the grill for dinner and was then in and out of his office, on and off the phone and computer and it really didn't have to do with work, he was discussing somebody else wanting an offshore bank account for a large sum of money. (he is in the security business, nothing to do with banking in any way)

I became unhappy, cooked dinner myself and it was almost finished by the time he came to do it himself as he had started. 

He then stated with a petulant child voice and attitude, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to earn a living." Firstly, I didn't like his involvement with somebody else's possibly questional business nor his trying to pass it off as working to earn a living. Secondly, his "I'm sorry, BUT" with an attitude didn't come across as sincere to me. So I am still unhappy with him and had a nose bent out shape attitude. And because I didn't respond to his apology the way he thinks I should, he then gets a nose bent out of shape attitude. Childish behaviour on both our parts and we should be able to communicate better but we don't and we end the day unhappy with each other.

I consider this incident itself as a very minor problem that should not become a major problem but it has and this is the pattern 90% of the time we have a disagreement even over minor issues.

The following morning, I give him kisses on his face to wake him for a chat and tea before I leave for work like I always do and he continues to sleep. Since I have a pretty good idea that he is still unhappy about the nite before and because I smoke cigarettes and he doesn't like it, I leave for work 15 mins early, sit in my car and have a smoke while waiting for my car sharer, and compose a txt to him. Without using words like you always or you should have I stated how I felt telling him that his discussion and apology didn't sit well with me. Before I finish, he sends me two txts asking where I am since I left early - as if he thinks I'm someplace different than where I am every morning. We send a couple more txts back and forth until he said something mean so I stated if you are going to be mean, let me be.

I come home from work that day and he is silent and sulking except for a txt he sent me when I ran out for an errand asking how long am I out for. I stated 'Not long. If you can't talk to me at home, don't bother txting." He replies, Ok.

The following day things get a little uglier. He sent me a txt stating, "I don't want to argue with you. I apologized last night but you failed to respond. Anyway I love you." I replied, "There is nothing to argue about. I explained why your apology didn't sit well with me. Either you grasp the situation and care how I feel or not." He replies, "Wow thanks, in that case f _ _ _ cking forget it." We have barely spoken since and he is sleeping in another room. 

That is vey much exactly what has happened and has been said.

My husband would say the discussion about banking is acceptable and that it is none of my business and he would also say his apology was acceptable. He would put the blame on me because I thought his apology sounded anything but sincere and because I told him to let me be when his txts became mean.

I don't care about who is to blame and I don't think pointing fingers solves a problem. If he had simply said something like, I'm sorry about dinner, I know your hungry. I would have easily forgotten the whole matter.

From my perspective, he almost always gets defensive if I say something he has done has bothered me. And it seems he likes to place blame when many times no one is to blame, we have different ways of thinking.

I don't expect to change my husband but I would desperately like to know what I can do differently if anybody has any thoughts.

Thanks for reading this I feel a little better just getting it off my chest.

Breezy


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Breezy55 said:


> I would desperately like to know what I can do differently if anybody has any thoughts.


You can stop being childish since you said you both keep being childish. You told the story to give the impression that he came into the kitchen and apologized out of the blue. But it is clear he apologized so dismissively in reaction to how you were passive/aggressively showing him attitude about being on the phone. And there lies the problem - accepting responsibility for your own actions. You didn't tell the story to reveal you were being a petulant child, only that he was. And later said you both were.

_I became unhappy, cooked dinner myself and it was almost finished by the time he came to do it himself as he had started.

He then stated with a petulant child voice and attitude, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to earn a living." _

I don't see anything to become unhappy about. Why is it so terrible that you finished dinner or so terrible that he was on the phone? Are you regulating his calls? Monitoring his movements after you get off work? Deciding who he can talk to and when? What was the problem here? I really don't understand why you reacted that way? So, there is your start. Stop being so childish.


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