# when women say they arn't interested in sex!



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

this means they like you and want you to provide for them,maybe even have a baby with you . But they just think you sux as a lover and are to worried about hurting your feeling, or losing you ....even if they don't want to bang you they still like your company and money/security.


just calling it like I see it.

then after years of thinking sex ani't important and as they hit their sexuall peak they start resenting you and may cheat,leave or worse.

just calling it like I see it.


any man or woman who is hooked up with somone who denies them a fullfilling sexual relationship should shuffle on down the road!

if you tried to comunicate and are stonewalled then time to move on or reap the rewards of a selfish person and be sorry in the long run!


this is not gender spicific it happen on both sides of the fence so to speak!


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> this means they like you and want you to provide for them,maybe even have a baby with you . *But they just think you sux as a lover and are to worried about hurting your feeling, or losing you* ....even if they don't want to bang you they still like your company and money/security.
> 
> 
> just calling it like I see it.
> ...


I don't think this is true in all cases. I think this may have some truth if the woman has a reasonable sex drive but some women don't. I would say that a lot of how much she enjoys sex is on her and not on the quality of the lover. If a woman can't even orgasm on her own then it is probably isn't fair to say that her lover just sux in bed if he can't bring her to orgasm either.

EDIT: I also think that connection has a lot to do with it. A man may be exactly what one woman wants and needs as a lover and yet another woman doesn't feel the same way. How can he "suck in bed" with one person but rock it out with another?


----------



## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Alright, this is getting ridiculously repetitive and uninformed...

I have seen thread after thread on this board complaining about how women are not interested in sex anymore. Well, it's a two-way street and many of the men here need to look in the mirror and ask why their spouse has lost interest.

Here's a very well written article on the subject that might just enlighten us a little...

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"any man or woman who is hooked up with somone who denies them a fullfilling sexual relationship should shuffle on down the road!"

I totally agree!


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NatureDave said:


> The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.


Whew!

Haven't seen that much bull**** on a single web page in a long time!


----------



## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "any man or woman who is hooked up with somone who denies them a *mutually* fullfilling sexual relationship should shuffle on down the road!"
> 
> I totally agree!


Now I also agree!


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "any man or woman who is hooked up with somone who denies them a fullfilling sexual relationship should shuffle on down the road!"
> 
> I totally agree!


The word "denies" is paramount in your statement.


----------



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> this means they like you and want you to provide for them,maybe even have a baby with you . But they just think you sux as a lover and are to worried about hurting your feeling, or losing you ....even if they don't want to bang you they still like your company and money/security.




You may be calling it as you see it but in all but your own situation,you'd be wrong. There can be a gadzillion reasons why women aren't interested in sex and they don't mean she sees her husband as merely a wallet and baby maker. I went many years without wanting sex, ever, and NEVER viewed my husband as just money/security. I have always loved him very much and he is my best friend and the person I trust most in this world. But that has nothing to do with sex. Sex was something else entirely and I wanted nothing to do with it. It is very much possible for a wife to love and adore her husband and still not want to be sexual. I did it for years and can understand it perfectly. Love does not = sex. At least not for women, or not all women.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

A good wife understands that Love=sex for her husband.


----------



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> A good wife understands that Love=sex for her husband.


Then it would follow that a good husband would find a way to make sure his wife understands this, in a neutral and non threatening way.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lady said: "It is very much possible for a wife to love and adore her husband and still not want to be sexual."

But Lady, you do openly admit to having to fight the urge to hate your husband. This isn't normal, so I kind of don't think some of your other sexual attitudes are normal, either. And if your husband was a friend of mine, I would have told him he should leave.

I'm glad he didn't and I'm glad you two are working this out. However, your views are shaped by man-hating and you readily admit to this.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I completely disagree, LadyoftheLake. Sure, friendly love may not equal sex; brotherly and sisterly love should not equal sex; parental love should not equal sex; the love a child has for their parent shouldn't equal sex; but marital absolutely MUST equal sex, baring any medical circumstances that may prevent it. If a man or woman truly loves their partner romantically, they _will_ desire sex with them. 

Period. 

I can not believe differently. I see no purpose being married to someone I don't desire sexually. Nor would I be married to someone who didn't desire me sexually. I mean, why be married if we're not going to screw each other? I can have companionship, friendship, love, support, encouragement, trust, respect, honesty and fights with a friend. Sex is what sets marriage apart from all other relationships, imo. Committing our sexual desires and needs to _one person_, hopefully for the rest of our lives...why do that if you don't intend to actually have sex with them?

Nonsense, imo.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

In my wifee's situation, she was told in her youth she is fat and won't amount to much. Her parents are very quiet, shy and ultra sensitive and so is she. Her ex bf was a jerk, called her fat and didn't treat her well. She focused her energies into school and work. She met me and we got along great and were married that year, but she has low self esteem due to her size and has a LD. She can talk about it forever and knows what she must do, but never does it. Comfy in our marriage. Money isn't an issue since we both work FT and have no kids yet. I'm HD and I'm going crazy from being sex starved for 13+ years.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> When I said I wasn't interested in sex it had nothing to do with my husbands ability as a lover. It had everything to do with his selfish decisions which I resented him for. I stayed because I was waiting for him to fix the problem, own his sh!t. Then I got tired of waiting, so I shuffled on down the road. He liked my wallet, I think at some point I didn't like his company anymore.
> 
> That's how I saw it.


Excellent point.


----------



## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> A good wife understands that Love=sex for her husband.


That definitely isn't the case for 100% of men. And a good husband should understand that love= GOOD SEX for his wife.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I completely disagree, LadyoftheLake. Sure, friendly love may not equal sex; brotherly and sisterly love should not equal sex; parental love should not equal sex; the love a child has for their parent shouldn't equal sex; but marital absolutely MUST equal sex, baring any medical circumstances that may prevent it. If a man or woman truly loves their partner romantically, they _will_ desire sex with them.
> 
> Period.
> 
> ...


Well put C2W. As usual, you hit the nail on the head.

I don't agree with the OP's statement, but as you said C2W, there are many different types of relationships, and the only thing that truly seperates a marriage (or common-law or dating)for other forms of a relationship is the expectation of sex. If I only wanted to have someone to hang out with, travel with, live with, buy a home with even, I could just get a roommate. 

I'm not saying I'd only marry for sex. Far from it. I would though expect sex is viewed by my marital partner as an important part of the relationship, something she'd give every bit as much attention to working on and maintaining/fixing as other important parts (like children, financiaes, etc.) and that my marital partner understands (and wants to understand) what my sexual needs are and actually want to provide them for me. 

Sex should not have a caveat around it, like it is something that is optional to fulfill in a marriage, or even optional to work on. It should not be treated as one persons problem and that person has to deal with it. To often though in an HD/LD marriage, the LD person looks at the HD persons desire for sex as something that they should handle on their own. "It's not me that's in the mood, if I don't want sex, why should I have it?"

That question is all fine and good, but what about the HD person. He DOES want sex, why shouldn't he have it? Occasional rejection is fine, just like it's fine to turn your spouse down for going out for a nice meal or bringing her home flowers from time to time as well. But it can definately breed a lot of resentment if you refuse to go out for a 'just the two of us' meal on a frequent basis. The same appeals to sex. If you are refusing your partner sexually on a frequent (and to me frequent is more than 25% of the time) basis, it WILL come back and haunt you one way or another and it WILL damage the relationship in the long run severely, whether it's due to an affair or divorce, or due to the rejected person withdrawing from the LD spouse and creating distance and division in the marriage.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> You may be calling it as you see it but in all but your own situation,you'd be wrong. There can be a gadzillion reasons why women aren't interested in sex and they don't mean she sees her husband as merely a wallet and baby maker. I went many years without wanting sex, ever, and NEVER viewed my husband as just money/security. I have always loved him very much and he is my best friend and the person I trust most in this world. But that has nothing to do with sex. Sex was something else entirely and I wanted nothing to do with it. It is very much possible for a wife to love and adore her husband and still not want to be sexual. I did it for years and can understand it perfectly. Love does not = sex. At least not for women, or not all women.


a gadzillon reasons?

nope just one selfishness!


----------



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Lady said: "It is very much possible for a wife to love and adore her husband and still not want to be sexual."
> 
> But Lady, you do openly admit to having to fight the urge to hate your husband. This isn't normal, so I kind of don't think some of your other sexual attitudes are normal, either. And if your husband was a friend of mine, I would have told him he should leave.
> 
> I'm glad he didn't and I'm glad you two are working this out. However, your views are shaped by man-hating and you readily admit to this.



I've never felt hatred towards my husband!! Never!! I have to fight the urge to feel that he is hiding an evil side, that he will hurt me or that he has a whole second life that I don't know about, but I do know that those feelings aren't realistic. He has never given me ANY reason to hate or fear him, I only project my feelings onto him in my own mind. He doesnt' even know about these feelings, unless he is reading what I write here.

I DO tend toward man-hating attitudes in general, but I have had reason not to trust them or even like them.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> That definitely isn't the case for 100% of men. And a good husband should understand that love= GOOD SEX for his wife.


What Love ='s in a relationship and marriage varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. It's each persons duty in a marriage to know what their spouse equates love to and to fulfill it, and they should know that (as best they can) prior to saying 'I do.'


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I've never felt hatred towards my husband!! Never!! I have to fight the urge to feel that he is hiding an evil side, that he will hurt me or that he has a whole second life that I don't know about, but I do know that those feelings aren't realistic. He has never given me ANY reason to hate or fear him, I only project my feelings onto him in my own mind. He doesnt' even know about these feelings, unless he is reading what I write here.
> 
> I DO tend toward man-hating attitudes in general, but I have had reason not to trust them or even like them.


I'm sorry to hear this LOTL. I hope you have recovered as best you can from whatever those issues were. God Bless.

Do you ever worry that on a subconcious level those feelings that "he will hurt me or that he has a whole second life that I don't know about" do impact on how you view and feel towards your husband without you knowing it?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Then it would follow that a good husband would find a way to make sure his wife understands this, in a neutral and non threatening way.


Under that logic, was your husband not a good husband during the first years of your marriage?

I do disagree with your application of this statement to all men, as well as the implicit assumption that women have no responsibility in this situation.


----------



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> I'm sorry to hear this LOTL. I hope you have recovered as best you can from whatever those issues were. God Bless.
> 
> Do you ever worry that on a subconcious level those feelings that "he will hurt me or that he has a whole second life that I don't know about" do impact on how you view and feel towards your husband without you knowing it?


Oh I think so. I tend towards paranoia and as much as I try to keep it and any form of dependency on lockdown, sometimes I slip up and act a bit paranoid and suspicious. I loathe that about myself and try very hard not to let it affect him, as my issues are not his problem to deal with.


----------



## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> What Love ='s in a relationship and marriage varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. It's each persons duty in a marriage to know what their spouse equates love to and to fulfill it, and they should know that (as best they can) prior to saying 'I do.'


I concur. I find it so odd when people make blanket statements like "for men, love=sex." :scratchhead:


----------



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Under that logic, was your husband not a good husband during the first years of your marriage?


No, he was just totally clueless. As was I. I didn't know what was wrong with me because I didn't think there WAS anything wrong. I was the way I was and that was all there was to it. He was too gentle to push, and also knew how vicious *I* could be when riled and knew he wouldn't get anywhere by arguing with me. He simply didn't know what to do. He was still very young, as was I. He is a very tender hearted man, very sensitive, where I am made of much sterner stuff and am much more unemotional. He didn't want to tangle with that over such delicate issues and I don't blame him at all.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> No, he was just totally clueless. As was I. I didn't know what was wrong with me because I didn't think there WAS anything wrong. I was the way I was and that was all there was to it. He was too gentle to push, and also knew how vicious *I* could be when riled and knew he wouldn't get anywhere by arguing with me. He simply didn't know what to do. He was still very young, as was I. He is a very tender hearted man, very sensitive, where I am made of much sterner stuff and am much more unemotional. He didn't want to tangle with that over such delicate issues and I don't blame him at all.


In comparision to the start of your relationship to now, how do you view sex in the relationship and specifically his 'need' (for lack of a better word) for sex?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lady...my mistake. You did say you had to struggle to not view your husband as having an evil side he is hiding, you did not say you have to struggle not to hate him.

However, I don't really see how struggling to not view him as having and evil side and using you is much better?

I'm just pointing this out because your views in this one particular area do not line up with the views of any other woman I know, and therefore, I think you should be aware that what you are feeling is NOT like what most other women feel.


----------



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> In comparision to the start of your relationship to now, how do you view sex in the relationship and specifically his 'need' (for lack of a better word) for sex?


 I still get uncomfortable with the idea of anyone "needing" anything from anyone else. That just doesn't sit right with me and the thought actually gives me a physical reaction, an ill feeling. But now I do very much enjoy intimate time spent with hubs. We are together very frequently, most days in fact. I would even like to try some new things, spice it up a bit, but I don't think he is ready for that yet. I am the one who calls all the shots, initiates 90% of the time, leads the way in everything. I am trying to draw him out of his shell, but that is somewhat beyond my skill. I know I have damaged him and his confidence and I really have no idea how to fix it.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> I completely disagree, LadyoftheLake. Sure, friendly love may not equal sex; brotherly and sisterly love should not equal sex; parental love should not equal sex; the love a child has for their parent shouldn't equal sex; but marital absolutely MUST equal sex, baring any medical circumstances that may prevent it. If a man or woman truly loves their partner romantically, they _will_ desire sex with them.
> 
> Period.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :smthumbup: Very logical and to the point, thank you Mrs. C2W.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I've never felt hatred towards my husband!! Never!! I have to fight the urge to feel that he is hiding an evil side, that he will hurt me or that he has a whole second life that I don't know about, but I do know that those feelings aren't realistic. He has never given me ANY reason to hate or fear him, I only project my feelings onto him in my own mind. He doesnt' even know about these feelings, unless he is reading what I write here.
> 
> I DO tend toward man-hating attitudes in general, but I have had reason not to trust them or even like them.


Most men? That's not right.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

NatureDave said:


> Here's a very well written article on the subject that might just enlighten us a little...
> 
> The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.


Hmmm, maybe.

I am seriously troubled that he opens his essay with a faulty interpretation of that Bible passage.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> You may be calling it as you see it but in all but your own situation,you'd be wrong. There can be a gadzillion reasons why women aren't interested in sex and they don't mean she sees her husband as merely a wallet and baby maker. I went many years without wanting sex, ever, and NEVER viewed my husband as just money/security. I have always loved him very much and he is my best friend and the person I trust most in this world. But that has nothing to do with sex. Sex was something else entirely and I wanted nothing to do with it. It is very much possible for a wife to love and adore her husband and still not want to be sexual. I did it for years and can understand it perfectly. Love does not = sex. At least not for women, or not all women.


I think the point here is not what you felt like, but rather how did your treat your husband while you had those feelings. Did you make sure he had a good sex life (by his standards) during this time? Or, did you try to minimize sexual contact while trying to get your needs met?

Two things come to mind. One, you should never consistently take more than you give in marriage. That means that if your spouse is meeting your needs, you should meet theirs whether you feel like it or not. Otherwise, you are just using them to meet your goals. You don't have a partnership and are fostering anger and resentment. You've basically said "I'm more important than you" and will reap the consequences accordingly.

Two, you should never make someone pay a price for something they cannot control. You owe your spouse better than that. I would not tolerate my SO rejecting me because of personal stuff that has nothing to do with me, just like I would not yell at her because I had a bad day at work.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> That definitely isn't the case for 100% of men. And a good husband should understand that love= GOOD SEX for his wife.


Yes it does equal good sex for his wife. I agree. What I meant is men in marriage equate sex with love. Much more so than wives do. Nothing's wrong with that. That's what binds us together.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I still get uncomfortable with the idea of anyone "needing" anything from anyone else. That just doesn't sit right with me and the thought actually gives me a physical reaction, an ill feeling. But now I do very much enjoy intimate time spent with hubs. We are together very frequently, most days in fact. I would even like to try some new things, spice it up a bit, but I don't think he is ready for that yet. I am the one who calls all the shots, initiates 90% of the time, leads the way in everything. I am trying to draw him out of his shell, but that is somewhat beyond my skill. I know I have damaged him and his confidence and I really have no idea how to fix it.


Well your not drawing him out of his shell. Can't you see your forcing your MAN into a smaller shell. As a man, he should be making the decisions and working with your input to solve things. You are actually turning him into someone you don't like...no woman likes to lay down with a man that she controls like that. You sound very intelligent, let your man be one. For your own sake.


----------

