# Advice Needed



## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

Will try to keep things simple so bear with me  We had dated several years ago but broke up when I cheated on her. Eventually reconciled and been happily married for 4 years. Because of the cheating on my part, she instituted a rule that there would be no contact with previous ex's on both our parts. Basically, block and move on and if they got around the block somehow let them know "I'm in a relationship so leave me alone." She was adamant that the rule was for both of us - she would'nt entertain ex's either.

So I'm rolling along fat, dumb and happy until this year when two of her ex's called her to say Happy Birthday. In her defense, she immediately told me that they had. But my first question is "I thought we blocked all those people." I get a lot of stammering and stuttering about they were a long time ago, I havent heard from them and there was no reason to block them. What I didn't get was "I messed up - let me fix it." so after all these excuses I check the phone records where I see she's talked to each of them 4 or 5 times in the past year. Not that meaningful but still. Text records are useless as she uses iMesage and it's not on the bill. I did see that one of them had been messaging her on Instagram though

I'm kind angry and very disappointed but don't know that it means anything. And I didn't even care that she agreed to block people to begin with as it was her rule. What I care about is that I was lied to.

Thoughts?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The rule was sort of a knee jerk reaction born of emotion. Still she should have followed it to the letter since it was her rule. 

Ask her how she'd react if the tables were turned & you were doing this. Tell her it hurt you & you feel betrayed since she couldn't be bothered to honor a rule she made. Then work together to find a path forward.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think you should unblock your exes, text them, call them once every month, and say nothing about it—- other than telling her once that you are now doing it since the rule clearly doesn’t apply and unbeknownst to you, hasn’t for a long time. 
What your wife has done and us doing is just what you think it is. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Don’t accept her excuses, gaslighting, blaneshifting. Don’t even discuss it with her. Just say “hey hon, I see you’ve talked on the phone with your exes several times this year, plus texts, and they aren’t blocked on your social media. I’m doing the same. Thanks. And DO NOT engage her, no matter what, for at least a couple of weeks. Just walk away.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

zachherrington said:


> Will try to keep things simple so bear with me  We had dated several years ago but broke up when I cheated on her. Eventually reconciled and been happily married for 4 years. Because of the cheating on my part, she instituted a rule that there would be no contact with previous ex's on both our parts. Basically, block and move on and if they got around the block somehow let them know "I'm in a relationship so leave me alone." She was adamant that the rule was for both of us - she would'nt entertain ex's either.
> 
> So I'm rolling along fat, dumb and happy until this year when two of her ex's called her to say Happy Birthday. In her defense, she immediately told me that they had. But my first question is "I thought we blocked all those people." I get a lot of stammering and stuttering about they were a long time ago, I havent heard from them and there was no reason to block them. What I didn't get was "I messed up - let me fix it." so after all these excuses I check the phone records where I see she's talked to each of them 4 or 5 times in the past year. Not that meaningful but still. Text records are useless as she uses iMesage and it's not on the bill. I did see that one of them had been messaging her on Instagram though
> 
> ...


The only thing you know for sure that it means is that she did not honor your mutual agreement so you have every reason to have a problem about it. It may or may not mean anything beyond that. Exes are usually excess for a reason. Maybe they fall more into the friend category, so why don't you ask her to tell you all about them and just see if one of them is still carrying a torch for her because that's a little more info.


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## StillGettingWiser (6 mo ago)

I've lurked forever, this one brought me out of the woodwork.

Your wife slept with one or both of these guys after you cheated on her.


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

StillGettingWiser said:


> I've lurked forever, this one brought me out of the woodwork.
> 
> Your wife slept with one or both of these guys after you cheated on her.


At least one of the two, yes. The other was prior to our first dating and I have no knowledge beyond that. I would note I found messages where she was talking to one of the guy's mothers late last year about getting him football tickets or his birthday. She "claimed" she was just being nice and never got the tickets.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would tell her to her face she is a hypocrite and tell her that she is a liar and untrusting


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You shattered trust and now she has. Like what @Evinrude58 said, it’s either game on or you redefine the rules. Look at it this way, she evened the score so you’re back to a tie game now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Talking to a spouse about something like this: they see it as a weakness——. Don’t talk. 
Consequences. Go call your ex! Say hello abd chat with her on fb for all to see! Hopefully your wife. Let her come to YOU……


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Let her know that you are unblocking your ex’s now. That she is the one that made the rule for both of you then didn’t go through with it.

Are you sure that she isn’t still seeing the guy she was with after the two of you broke up? Why would he be in contact with her if she wasn’t.

Has she deleted her iMessage’s with these two guys? If she has, what is she hiding?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Please ignore the unblock your ex advice it’s petty and will solve nothing.

How about a conversation? How about asking her to follow the ex rules?


Do you suspect anything else?

It was not a good choice she made and I’d be mad if I were you. 

Might have a conversation about how this undermines trust and you didn’t expect it from her.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Please ignore the unblock your ex advice it’s petty and will solve nothing.
> 
> How about a conversation? How about asking her to follow the ex rules?
> 
> ...


I agree with @Anastasia6 on this one. Except I’d be looking real hard at those contacts she’s had with exes.

Setting out a rule like that for you and then breaking them many times herself would piss me off if I were you. But I think direct confrontation feels like a better way to solve this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What does a confrontation get the OP? Does a confrontation make her suddenly lose the desire to communicate? Is confronting her going to make her feel what he feels? She knows what she’s doing is bs. He needs to make her want to stop. Not stop her.
JMO


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> What does a confrontation get the OP? Does a confrontation make her suddenly lose the desire to communicate? Is confronting her going to make her feel what he feels? She knows what she’s doing is bs. He needs to make her want to stop. Not stop her.
> JMO


I say confront because he needs to take control of this situation with conviction. Call out her bs and set the tone for the way forward. 

I wouldn’t try to make her feel anything because he can’t really control that, and its passive aggressive. If he wants to throw out the rules and contact his exes, then do it…but not to force a reaction from her. That could backfire.

Many ways to skin this cat. I just like the direct approach.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

His wife has all the power in this situation. She set the rule then never followed it. The rule should be nullified.

She is acting guilty as hell about this.


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## StillGettingWiser (6 mo ago)

zachherrington said:


> At least one of the two, yes. The other was prior to our first dating and I have no knowledge beyond that. I would note I found messages where she was talking to one of the guy's mothers late last year about getting him football tickets or his birthday. She "claimed" she was just being nice and never got the tickets.


I'd look at past credit card statements. Does she have any credit cards only in her name?

You've already got a big problem on your hands with her giving you the old sleight of hand treatment concerning exes. If she secretly bought tickets to a football game for this guy as a birthday gift you've got a nuclear situation.


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

Thank you to each of you for taking the time to reply. I'm not really the type of person to want to contact any ex's of my own as it doesn't interest me. I do think it will prove a point and make me feel better temporarily but not my thing. I did check phone records, credit cards and other things and other than the calls I'd already uncovered there wasn't anything glaring. Again, iMessage was of no help to me and she has an office number people can call as well so who knows. I also confronted her again and got just a litany of excuses as before: been several years, forgot I even dated them, I half-assed doing the blocking, etc.... Honestly, these are all cheap excuses. 

I'm stuck on the fact that the very foundation of our current relationship is that we agreed to not contact ex's or take part in them contact us. And she has done that to some extent over the past year. I don't really an answer on why she felt the need to do this and it just appears she wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. I don't see any signs of infidelity yet and jsu don't know how to move forward.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

What I would do is just sit and wait, because at this stage there's little to blow a relationship over . She does it again and I would serve her with divorce papers.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

zachherrington said:


> Thank you to each of you for taking the time to reply. I'm not really the type of person to want to contact any ex's of my own as it doesn't interest me. I do think it will prove a point and make me feel better temporarily but not my thing. I did check phone records, credit cards and other things and other than the calls I'd already uncovered there wasn't anything glaring. Again, iMessage was of no help to me and she has an office number people can call as well so who knows. I also confronted her again and got just a litany of excuses as before: been several years, forgot I even dated them, I half-assed doing the blocking, etc.... Honestly, these are all cheap excuses.
> 
> I'm stuck on the fact that the very foundation of our current relationship is that we agreed to not contact ex's or take part in them contact us. And she has done that to some extent over the past year. I don't really an answer on why she felt the need to do this and it just appears she wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. I don't see any signs of infidelity yet and jsu don't know how to move forward.


yes, the question "why would she want to talk multiple times to multiple exes?" did cross my mind. None of the answers I came up with are positive.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

This sounds like Partygate and Boris Johnson , DO as I say and not as I do , 
I make the laws but I don't have to respect them


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

Update and Part II: My check of phone records showed significant contact with a male client (not someone she had previously known). I became suspicious when I saw he had called cosecutives Saturdays and Sundays recently and dug up other records. They had talked, or tried to talk, 16 times in 10 days prior to a recent family vacation. What stands out about it to me is that she made a big pretense prior to this vacation to state that she may just leave her phone at home to not have any distractions. This from a woman whose phone is attached to her. So immediately I wonder why all the contact right before we go on vacation. I confronted her and asked to see the texts between the two and she immediately stated "He's a caller, not a texter." It eventually devolved into several other stories as "they must have rolled off" until she finally admitted she deleted them. Her story became that her employee was having a affair with this client and she was trying to protect the woman. I asked her how she could choose an employee over honesty with me and we are back to square one.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You seem to be learning an awful lot about your wife's (lack of) integrity. It's looking more & more like she instituted the rule because she knew she was untrustworthy & then she broke her own rule anyway


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@zachherrington 

What you did in the past was absolutely wrong. But your wife is being a hypocrite.

You should put your foot down and enforce marital boundaries. Tell your wife to be open book with you. Her conversations with other men should be on professional terms from now on. Do not allow your wife to disrespect you further.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

zachherrington said:


> Update and Part II: My check of phone records showed significant contact with a male client (not someone she had previously known). I became suspicious when I saw he had called cosecutives Saturdays and Sundays recently and dug up other records. They had talked, or tried to talk, 16 times in 10 days prior to a recent family vacation. What stands out about it to me is that she made a big pretense prior to this vacation to state that she may just leave her phone at home to not have any distractions. This from a woman whose phone is attached to her. So immediately I wonder why all the contact right before we go on vacation. I confronted her and asked to see the texts between the two and she immediately stated "He's a caller, not a texter." It eventually devolved into several other stories as "they must have rolled off" until she finally admitted she deleted them. Her story became that her employee was having a affair with this client and she was trying to protect the woman. I asked her how she could choose an employee over honesty with me and we are back to square one.


Deleting texts………. 16 calls in 10 days. Yeah, he’s been hitting it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

zachherrington said:


> Update and Part II: My check of phone records showed significant contact with a male client (not someone she had previously known). I became suspicious when I saw he had called cosecutives Saturdays and Sundays recently and dug up other records. They had talked, or tried to talk, 16 times in 10 days prior to a recent family vacation. What stands out about it to me is that she made a big pretense prior to this vacation to state that she may just leave her phone at home to not have any distractions. This from a woman whose phone is attached to her. So immediately I wonder why all the contact right before we go on vacation. I confronted her and asked to see the texts between the two and she immediately stated "He's a caller, not a texter." It eventually devolved into several other stories as "they must have rolled off" until she finally admitted she deleted them. Her story became that her employee was having a affair with this client and she was trying to protect the woman. I asked her how she could choose an employee over honesty with me and we are back to square one.


OP, You are being lied to. 
Your situation just moved up the stack from some disrespectful/mildly suspicious behavior that mainly needed be confronted, reestablish boundaries on and watched - to being extremely concerning, suspicious and deceitful behavior. 
There is clearly much more going on here with your wife, that is inappropriate at best and full betrayal at worst.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OK, here we go now, the trickle-truing is on full swing. I bet that it doesn't stop there for OP. This is too much shenanigans. 

Myself, I don't think that I could take it anymore.
OP, getting just piss-off won't take you anywhere. Consequences my friend, Consequences.


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

Part III - male is a client but I'm leaving out some details for anonymity. His family is in a serious issue by all accounts and she has told me this in the past months. What I didn't know is that he was calling at 7AM, Saturdays, Sundays, vacation time and on several occasions she went outside of our home as late as 10PM to call him about his "case." In six months it appears to be approximately 93 phone calls and, as I stated before, they ramped up right before we went on vacation to 16 calls in 10 days. I called her out on all this behavior at that time and it has been an issue since. She was able to gather some of the deleted texts and they amount to approximately 200 in the 6 month period. I've got no evidence of any meet-ups as we are both home every night. But, she works during the day and is very busy in different parts of the city with cases. But I've seen nothing to indicate a sexual tryst as much as I have looked - no bills, no locations, no unusual disappearances. Doesn't mean it hasn't happened during work hours as we all know.

So we have talking incessantly to a male client at all hours (about 300 cell phone contacts in 6 months, calls and texts), talking with an ex and talking with an ex's mother about their birthday gift, talking with a prospective ex that I uncovered (someone who wanted to go out with her but she claims they didn't) in the past few months. I'm not dumb, I've been around, but she insist it's all work related or just her being "nice." "I never intended to help with the football tixs for my ex, was just being nice to his mother" for example. Where I come from, you tell the mother I don't think my husband would appreciate me buying a birthday gift for my ex so the answer is no. 

So I'm leaning toward leaving and filing for divorce. Too many red flags, too much drama and just too much in general. I'm of the opinion she needs "attention" and I say that as no excuse - just what I've come to believe. I've told her she can't respect our marriage or me if she is behaving this way and that's a major deal breaker for me.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

zachherrington said:


> Part III - male is a client but I'm leaving out some details for anonymity. His family is in a serious issue by all accounts and she has told me this in the past months. What I didn't know is that he was calling at 7AM, Saturdays, Sundays, vacation time and on several occasions she went outside of our home as late as 10PM to call him about his "case." In six months it appears to be approximately 93 phone calls and, as I stated before, they ramped up right before we went on vacation to 16 calls in 10 days. I called her out on all this behavior at that time and it has been an issue since. She was able to gather some of the deleted texts and they amount to approximately 200 in the 6 month period. I've got no evidence of any meet-ups as we are both home every night. But, she works during the day and is very busy in different parts of the city with cases. But I've seen nothing to indicate a sexual tryst as much as I have looked - no bills, no locations, no unusual disappearances. Doesn't mean it hasn't happened during work hours as we all know.
> 
> So we have talking incessantly to a male client at all hours (about 300 cell phone contacts in 6 months, calls and texts), talking with an ex and talking with an ex's mother about their birthday gift, talking with a prospective ex that I uncovered (someone who wanted to go out with her but she claims they didn't) in the past few months. I'm not dumb, I've been around, but she insist it's all work related or just her being "nice." "I never intended to help with the football tixs for my ex, was just being nice to his mother" for example. Where I come from, you tell the mother I don't think my husband would appreciate me buying a birthday gift for my ex so the answer is no.
> 
> So I'm leaning toward leaving and filing for divorce. Too many red flags, too much drama and just too much in general. I'm of the opinion she needs "attention" and I say that as no excuse - just what I've come to believe. I've told her she can't respect our marriage or me if she is behaving this way and that's a major deal breaker for me.


She's an attorney, I take it?

The number of calls is... suspicious. I mean, she must not be billing him hourly, or you'd think he'd stop calling that much knowing he's just running up the bill, so yeah that is a red flag. 

And deleting texts from a client? No attorney does that... you save all those b/c you never know what could happen, and you need to preserve as much of the record as possible.

You're right to be concerned here, and I think you need to start thinking several steps ahead to what you want. If you want to get divorced, stop scrutinizing her behavior and grilling her because she's only going to start to hide potential evidence of infidelity... and you want to preserve that in court. I'd even talk to a professional/PI or an attorney who can recommend a PI and see if they can't catch her in the act. That can get very expensive though, so you have to decide if it's worth it. 

If you _*don't *_want to get divorced, I think you need to pour each of you a glass of wine, and sit down and tell her what this all looks like to you, and give her a chance to explain herself. If her explanation is a brush off, or doesn't hold water, then your takeaway can be that she's not nearly as committed to this relationship as you are. If she is, then she should realize that she's been eroding the trust a marriage needs to be built on, and the ball is now in her court to make amends.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

curious if your wife in discussioning her lies and depcetion realized she screwed up and is now in self-preservation moment? does she understand that she is killing her marraige? did you tell her that you have no trust in her at all? and would she be willing to take a polygraph ?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

There's nothing 'nice' about being deceitful. And your wife was clearly deceitful about continued communication with prior lovers. Her behavior was: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and showed zero empathy for you. 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior.
Your wife failed.

Put this in terms she (as an attorney) will understand. Normally you would trust her and give her excuses the benefit of the doubt. However, her secretive deceitful behavior with prior lovers has destroyed your trust. 

Consequently, as a result of her deceitful behavior, she now has the burden of proof to prove she's been faithful.
And because of her deceitful behavior she can no longer use the words: "trust me".

Trust is a wonderful thing, but once it's destroyed it's very difficult to rebuild. And it takes more than the passage of time (her going underground with her inappropriate behavior) to rebuild trust.

Insist she write a timeline of her contacts with the prior lovers, including every topic they discussed. All subject to a polygraph test. Watch her face. Inform her that now that she's labeled herself a deceitful person, her excuses have no value and her only chance to save her marriage is a polygraph. And a refusal is an admission of infidelity.


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

No Part IV yet but as an update - I've gone through every record, bill, social media app and can't find any real evidence of adultery. However, trust is gone on my part and she has blocked people as she originally agreed to do and opened up all her communications for my review. Well, all but those that may come in on her office phone but I haven't asked to see those records yet . She wants to go to counseling and, no offense to anyone here, I don't really believe they do any good for people that have honest intentions to do right. 

She has had a habit of "escaping" previous relationships after a few years roughly along the timeline of ours. I have every reason to believe this is the case now and she was dipping her toes into the water previously to see what interest she received. But I don't have enough to move forward with divorce based on what I believe in. I was probably too vocal about all these issues with her and should have documented and recorded more activity prior to exposing her actions. So I'm in a holding pattern for now - I just hate being in a relationship where I don't trust my partner.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Past behavior is an almost sure predictor of future behavior.


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

So I've been rocking along trying to (not always successfully) trust my wife again. Some ups and down but generally moving forward in our relationship. She has brought up that she would be willing to take a polygraph to prove her innocence and I told her I'd research if further. I've been polygraphed before and strongly believe they are a great investigative tool but not so great as a definitive answer to the truth. So we haven't discussed it further and today she springs it on me that she went ag ot that polygraph "that I wanted." No discussion, no preparation, no involvement on my part - she just went and got polygraphed. Of course, she says she passed and I'll get the report soon. Quite frankly, give the total lack of transparency I don't believe anything the report might say and probably doubt my wife more than ever. 

Thoughts on your parner just going to get polygraphed without your input? I would have at least liked to have met the operator and been in the same building to believe it really happened.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

zachherrington said:


> So I've been rocking along trying to (not always successfully) trust my wife again. Some ups and down but generally moving forward in our relationship. She has brought up that she would be willing to take a polygraph to prove her innocence and I told her I'd research if further. I've been polygraphed before and strongly believe they are a great investigative tool but not so great as a definitive answer to the truth. So we haven't discussed it further and today she springs it on me that she went ag ot that polygraph "that I wanted." No discussion, no preparation, no involvement on my part - she just went and got polygraphed. Of course, she says she passed and I'll get the report soon. Quite frankly, give the total lack of transparency I don't believe anything the report might say and probably doubt my wife more than ever.
> 
> Thoughts on your parner just going to get polygraphed without your input? I would have at least liked to have met the operator and been in the same building to believe it really happened.


When you get the report just checking make sure they're all credentialed and everything.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think your wife is an untrustworthy floozy that is just buying a little more time until she can settle down onto another man’s kock. You have already accepted too much.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Divorce the lying cheat/attorney


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

zachherrington said:


> So I've been rocking along trying to (not always successfully) trust my wife again. Some ups and down but generally moving forward in our relationship. She has brought up that she would be willing to take a polygraph to prove her innocence and I told her I'd research if further. I've been polygraphed before and strongly believe they are a great investigative tool but not so great as a definitive answer to the truth. So we haven't discussed it further and today she springs it on me that she went ag ot that polygraph "that I wanted." No discussion, no preparation, no involvement on my part - she just went and got polygraphed. Of course, she says she passed and I'll get the report soon. Quite frankly, give the total lack of transparency I don't believe anything the report might say and probably doubt my wife more than ever.
> 
> Thoughts on your parner just going to get polygraphed without your input? I would have at least liked to have met the operator and been in the same building to believe it really happened.


Yes, tell her it doesn’t count and that you will arrange one of yourself, and YOU will choose the questions. 
This is extremely suspicious that she would go to all that trouble and do this herself without any transparency and without including you in the process. 
She did not do this to build your trust or legitimately vindicate herself, she did this to control the situation and the narrative.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When you get the report just checking make sure they're all credentialed and everything.


The wording of the questions and definitions of terms is everything. 

Did you cheat on your husband with man-X last month? - truthful answer: no (I did however cheat with man-Y last year)

Have you ever had sex with a man other than your husband since you’ve been married? - truthful answer: no (I did however make out with an old boyfriend, and I may have blown some guy while drunk at the club)


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> The wording of the questions and definitions of terms is everything.
> 
> Did you cheat on your husband with man-X last month? - truthful answer: no (I did however cheat with man-Y last year)
> 
> Have you ever had sex with a man other than your husband since you’ve been married? - truthful answer: no (I did however make out with an old boyfriend, and I may have blown some guy while drunk at the club)





DudeInProgress said:


> Yes, tell her it doesn’t count and that you will arrange one of yourself, and YOU will choose the questions.
> This is extremely suspicious that she would go to all that trouble and do this herself without any transparency and without including you in the process.
> She did not do this to build your trust or legitimately vindicate herself, she did this to control the situation and the narrative.


Thank you and I agree. Come to find out she submitted the list of questions she wanted to be asked as well  She basically preempted any other test and put herself in a position to tell her family she "passed" the first test. Like I stated earlier, I'm probably more suspicious now than I was before.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nobody does what she just pulled with the “polygraph”….
You are right to feel even more untrusting…..
But hey, why trust at all with what you know?
It’s obvious she’s betrayed you on multiple levels.


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Nobody does what she just pulled with the “polygraph”….
> You are right to feel even more untrusting…..
> But hey, why trust at all with what you know?
> It’s obvious she’s betrayed you on multiple levels.


Agreed - we had talked about doing the polygraph but haven't really decided on my part. I was supposed to work on the questions I might want asked and she pull this stunt to circumvent me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’ll bet the polygragher was shaking his head with Shame as he took her/your money.😞


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I think your wife is an untrustworthy floozy that is just buying a little more time until she can settle down onto another man’s kock. You have already accepted too much.


That may be true. Maybe not. But let's not forget what is true. The only proven cheater in this scenario here, is @zachherrington

So if you are going to call her a floozy, and she just might be....what is it you're calling him?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

on the stunt with the polygraph bull crap I think you know where you stand 
and one way or the other when you need to have one trust is gone you might as well walk away from each other


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

drencrom said:


> That may be true. Maybe not. But let's not forget what is true. The only proven cheater in this scenario here, is @zachherrington
> 
> So if you are going to call her a floozy, and she just might be....what is it you're calling him?


I guess if you like douche bag we can go with that …


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I guess if you like douche bag we can go with that …


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## zachherrington (6 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> View attachment 91538


Fair enough 
I did cheat 9 years ago when we were exclusively dating. One of the biggest regrets of my life that I work to overcome every day.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

zachherrington said:


> Fair enough
> I did cheat 9 years ago when we were exclusively dating. One of the biggest regrets of my life that I work to overcome every day.


Well I don't want to diminish your feelings here. They are valid. You both got back together, forgave, I'm assuming, and wanted to move on. So a new set of rules apply.

Forgetting to, or not blocking one of her past flings could be understood if it was LONG ago and just one of many contacts in her phone, social media, etc.

But I would have concerns about her contacting the mother to get one of them a present just in the past year of you being married. Why in the hell would she do that?


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

I was under the impression polygraphs are not reliable.

If they were, we'd never really need trials to weigh conflicting testimony; both parties could just take a polygraph. 

I also understand with preparation someone could "fake" a polygraph result, i.e. learn how to fool the test.

As an attorney, I'm sure your wife knows this, but for some reason got the idea it would work to shut you up. Did you first float the idea she should take one? I can't remember.

Unfortunately, if someone cheated, short of uncovering physical evidence of it, or them admitting to it, there's no way to know for sure. You either have to trust them, or not, and leave them/divorce them or not. 

If someone is cheating, and you're not okay with it, you're better off keeping your mouth shut, and gathering evidence. If you learn enough to be fairly certain of it, hire a PI to confirm with pictures or other evidence that you can use in court.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

zachherrington said:


> No Part IV yet but as an update - I've gone through every record, bill, social media app and can't find any real evidence of adultery. However, trust is gone on my part and she has blocked people as she originally agreed to do and opened up all her communications for my review. Well, all but those that may come in on her office phone but I haven't asked to see those records yet . She wants to go to counseling and, no offense to anyone here, I don't really believe they do any good for people that have honest intentions to do right.
> 
> She has had a habit of "escaping" previous relationships after a few years roughly along the timeline of ours. I have every reason to believe this is the case now and she was dipping her toes into the water previously to see what interest she received. But I don't have enough to move forward with divorce based on what I believe in. I was probably too vocal about all these issues with her and should have documented and recorded more activity prior to exposing her actions. So I'm in a holding pattern for now - I just hate being in a relationship where I don't trust my partner.


The marriage isn’t broken she is. Marriage Counselors are notorious rugsweepers.
Do a deleted text recovery on her phone. If you want the truth. Which you don’t have.


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