# Lost and Confused-Wife Leaving Me



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

If I got into a lot of details about my situation this could be really long so I will keep it as short as possible. In September we will have been married 9 years and we have been together for 12. We have 2 children we brought into the marriage and one together. Our major problems started after our son was born. I was laid off and we went through our savings. There has been a lot of financial stress on me since then. At the same time she has been trying to start a business that she wants to do full time but just can't get off the ground. It has taken up a lot of money and I pay the bulk of the expenses and am always stressing about how to make ends meet.

She had a full affair. It was a few months and he moved away. We decided to work on it and stay together but since then she has had other what I would consider emotional affairs and one that did have some physical kissing and touching. With that one she said she loved him and was ready to leave me for him. But he was just a player and we decided to work through it and stay together.

Her main complaints about me are that I don't talk to her, spend time with her, or protect her. I don't make her feel loved. She has had disputes with people and she doesn't think I have had her back. When her father passed away she was in the middle of an emotional affair that was clouding my judgement and she does not feel I was there for her. She says that I change for a while but then go back to my old ways. She is right I have gotten complacent and let life and anger get in the way. 

Two weeks we were having a big money issue because we had to pay a bunch of tickets that she rang up when renewing our registration. She also had spent a bunch of money out of the account I didn't know about. I needed to figure out how to pay rent and I was mad at her and stressing out. I did push her away. After a few days she said she wanted a separation and divorce. She said that she was done with our marriage and it was over. She said she has been unhappy for years and couldn't take it anymore. She said she accepts that fact that she was not good enough for me to do what I need to do. I showed her that she was not worth it. 

I then heard her talking on the phone to another man. Apparently they have been talking for the year but got serious recently. I checked the phone records and they text hundreds of times a day and talk for hours. He lives across the country but they met through business. She is talking about how he is her priority and acts completely different with him then me. She talks to him about being with him and moving on with him.

We are in a lease so we have to stay in our house until October. She said after that she will be moving across the country. She wants us to work out something with our son and be cordial and respectful of each other. It has been extremely hard. There has been a lot of crying. I am an emotional wreck. I feel like I am constantly being punched in the chest and out of breath. I love her with all my heart and the times when I thought maybe would be better without her don't seem real anymore. It is destroying me what this will do to our family. Neither one of us is willing to give up our son but she is moving away to a place that he is not familiar with and where she has no support system. I can't see it being anything else but a battle. 

I haven't said anything to her about eavesdropping and hearing that she is in a relationship with someone else. I wanted to do it tomorrow to let her know. I also wanted to text him and let him know that if I ever see him it will be a problem and I will never let him around my son. I want to tell her that my son will stay with me and I will send him to her on the school breaks with a No Contact order in place for the other man. 

Most of all I want my family and I want my wife back.

My son's birthday is coming up and she wants us to go to an amusement park. I am trying to see if I can scrape together the money since this is before payday and if I can't we may not be able to go.

Also if I tell her I know she is actually in a new relationship I don't know what will happen.

As you can see I am lost and confused.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Serial cheater, wants to move across the country to live with some other dude she has probably never met, takes your joint money without letting you know... 

You need to get a lawyer, protect yourself and jettison this POS wife out of your life.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

What Tron said.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's really really tough, but don't try to salvage this. Instead try to use this for your advantage. Get a lawyer and start protecting yourself. Do not assume she will be fair to you. Cheaters have two modes: guilt and entitlement. The guild doesn't last long but while (and if ) it's there use it to your advantage. Mostly they feel entitled.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hard to give her some emotional energy when she places a lot of stress on you and is part of the problem. What time and energy do you have to give? What does she give you in return as it sounds like you take a major part of the burden?

You are supportive of her, how about she reciprocate as your relationship revolves around her a lot and not on each other.

Anyways, let her go and let her make her poor choices. You cannot save her from doing so and you had no hand in that dysfunction. Just heal and concentrate on yourself at present as you are chasing after someone that is detrimental to yourself. You love her but it is unhealthy at the cost of your own well-being. Does not sound like the relationship was bliss.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You must PROTECT your finances. Lockup anything of value and take pictures. 

Get a lawyer and divorce this parasite.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hard to give her some emotional energy when she places a lot of stress on you and is part of the problem. What time and energy do you have to give? What does she give you in return as it sounds like you take a major part of the burden?
> 
> You are supportive of her, how about she reciprocate as your relationship revolves around her a lot and not on each other.
> 
> Anyways, let her go and let her make her poor choices. You cannot save her from doing so and you had no hand in that dysfunction. Just heal and concentrate on yourself at present as you are chasing after someone that is detrimental to yourself. You love her but it is unhealthy at the cost of your own well-being. Does not sound like the relationship was bliss.


Thank you this is definitely what I need to hear. I know I should have been better in the relationship but a lot of it was everything that was placed on me. She is very good at twisting things and making it all my fault. It wasn't always like this though. We were very happy for a lot of years and I think the memory of that is part of what makes it hard. I had planned to spend the rest of my life with her. And now my son is going to have a harder life because we couldn't get our stuff together for our family.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

STOP THAT!!!!!!

Stop beating yourself up, regardless of what you did or did not do in the marriage, is NO EXCUSE for her actions...she is blame shifting to make herself feel better...she is a piece of crap....and you do not have to take that, you are not a door mat, your not a whipping post, your a man and father first. Time to leave her brother, and concentrate on yourself and your kids.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Chills22 said:


> Thank you this is definitely what I need to hear. I know I should have been better in the relationship but a lot of it was everything that was placed on me. She is very good at twisting things and making it all my fault. It wasn't always like this though. We were very happy for a lot of years and I think the memory of that is part of what makes it hard. I had planned to spend the rest of my life with her. And now my son is going to have a harder life because we couldn't get our stuff together for our family.



Well, she had an unhealthy belief system putting all the responsibility on you. Princess syndrome. Instead of working together during the stressful times, she added stress and she lowered your own self worth. In essence, she was a cancer, making you sick. Yes, it will be hard as you associate with her past self and those memories. When you think about the past, you have a strong urge to reconnect.

But, this is also another aspect to her personality. You did not make her that way and she was likely like that before she met you. So protect yourself as she has only her best interest and probably has always been that way.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your story makes me wonder what you passed up for her. 

Seiously ask yourself, was this the best I could do? 

Don't you deserve more? Doesn't everyone deserve more?

I'll tell you with confidence your son deserves more.


----------



## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

Chills22 said:


> Thank you this is definitely what I need to hear. I know I should have been better in the relationship but a lot of it was everything that was placed on me. She is very good at twisting things and making it all my fault. It wasn't always like this though. We were very happy for a lot of years and I think the memory of that is part of what makes it hard. I had planned to spend the rest of my life with her. And now my son is going to have a harder life because we couldn't get our stuff together for our family.


The kids will be fine as long as one of the parents are mature enough about the situation to put the kids first. It sounds like you might have to be that person as your wife seems to be a self first person. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I wish she could read all of this so that she could see what people think of her and her actions. She has always told all of her friends all of our problems but she has a way of skewing them to make me look bad and her look like the victim. So everyone always agrees with her and supports her. She never hears the things you all are saying about herself.

You are all right even though we had a good time for years she was always a difficult person. She used to always tell me you knew who I was when we got married and you said that you could handle me. Which is true.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are struggling emotionally.

It's good to know where you went wrong because that's the only way we can grow - by acknowledging our deficiencies and improving. But she continues to violate your marital agreement. She doesn't show any desire to change and grow. You need to realize you deserve better than this. Have you ever heard of "last clear chance" defense for a car accident? SHE had the last clear chance to save this marriage. She could have sat you down and told you what was causing her to doubt her commitment to the relationship. She did not - she opted to cheat. Twice. Maybe more.

I'm sure her side would say she talked until she was blue in the face and you'd change for a little bit and then go right back to the way it was. And that might be true. But at that point a person needs to say the are considering divorce and they are VERY unhappy. She should do that BEFORE she got to the point she wanted to cheat and end one thing before starting another.

When you two were struggling financially it is my opinion she should have taken a job somewhere temporarily to help get you two on solid financial footing vs. starting something of her own. She doesn't sound like someone who is good at compromising and marriage takes a lot of that. 

If you have to use a credit card or borrow from family, get an attorney - at least an initial consultation and some of them are free. You have a very good chance at keeping custody of your son; I assume she has one child from before the marriage and so did you? It's not clear. Focus on creating a good life for you and your children. There is nothing sexier than a good father. And remember that the kids won't remember what they had or didn't have nearly as much as what you DO with them. Make memories, for memories make a life.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Chills22 said:


> I wish she could read all of this so that she could see what people think of her and her actions. She has always told all of her friends all of our problems but she has a way of skewing them to make me look bad and her look like the victim. So everyone always agrees with her and supports her. She never hears the things you all are saying about herself.
> 
> You are all right even though we had a good time for years she was always a difficult person. She used to always tell me you knew who I was when we got married and you said that you could handle me. Which is true.


It's a struggle to have to change your life like this. However, based on what you've said, you couldn't be better off than with her leaving. This will FORCE you to get over her. YOu will. You'll think you won't, that you're gonna die of a broken heart, but you won't.

What will happen is very likely to be this:
You'll find a good woman that will appreciate you and make you wonder why in hell you ever put up with this chronic bellyacher and cheater that couldn't be trusted to not steal the coins off a dead person.

You're going to hurt a lot now. But, the good news is, in a year you'll be mad as hell at yourself for wasting the years on her and actually be thankful she left. That is almost a sure thing.

Don't feel guilty. IF you still have some things you feel bad about a year from now, own them as your faults. But no marriage is perfect, neither are spouses. But you loved her. She really didn't love you and most assuredly hasn't in years.

Good riddance.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You don't sound confused to me. You sound paralyzed in hurt and anguish because you are living with an independent serial cheater.

And if she was reading what we were posting she would ignore it completely so stop giving her so much credit.

Not sure when you plan this confrontation, although if you are smart it will not be anything but you telling her you are divorcing her ass and asking when she can leave to go be with her boyfriend across the country. And then offer to buy her a one way ticket.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm sorry you are struggling emotionally.
> 
> It's good to know where you went wrong because that's the only way we can grow - by acknowledging our deficiencies and improving. But she continues to violate your marital agreement. She doesn't show any desire to change and grow. You need to realize you deserve better than this. Have you ever heard of "last clear chance" defense for a car accident? SHE had the last clear chance to save this marriage. She could have sat you down and told you what was causing her to doubt her commitment to the relationship. She did not - she opted to cheat. Twice. Maybe more.
> 
> ...


Yes, we each have a child separately and one together. My step-daughter has a lot of problems in school and behaviorally (another huge stress in our marriage) so she is sending her to live in another state for a year with her aunt. I disagreed in sending her away but now that we are separated she made the decision without me. She thinks it gives her the best chance to turn things around. So as she moves away she does not need to worry about her.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Your wife is dysfunctional. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I probably should have mentioned there is already a divorce case filed. She actually filed at the end of 2014 when we were going through everything with her dad. But we decided to work things out and stay together. The case was never closed so she is just moving forward with it and we have a court date in September. I haven't been served with the actual paperwork yet to file my response. But there is a court date for the divorce and an end date for our lease when she will move out. I don't know where she will go in that meantime since she said she planned to move out of the state in January. I also don't know where I will go or if I will try to stay in the same house.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

@Chills22 you need to get your own lawyer, asap. You should aim for >50% custody of your joint child, no alimony and no child support. you need to get the best lawyer you can afford.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I would fight like hell to not let her take your child out of state. If she wants to leave the state, she can leave her daughter behind. Lawyer up...NOW.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Get a lawyer!!! Immediately!

If you don't she is going to take you to the cleaners and walk away with your child and all of your money (now and for the foreseeable future) all the while parading man after man through the house. 

I would also highly recommend you try and get custody of the child you had together. I agree with FSJ that your W is dysfunctional. She is well on her way to destroying your step-daughter's life. There isn't much you can do about that, but you can certainly be an advocate for the child you and her had together. Get primary custody of that child. If you don't your STBXW is going to run through 20 other men, expose the child to God knows what, abandon him or worse.

Don't mess around.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Chills,

First, stop wanting your "wife" back. This woman is no longer your wife. You are to call her STBX, or soon to be ex wife. You deserve so much better. Start taking care of yourself. Eat and drink healthy. Go to the gym. Start taking care of #1, yourself. 

Second, start reading No More Mr Nice Guy. It's free, just download this PDF: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...v92ZEKAcaI-rRfbCTvOr7g&bvm=bv.122129774,d.dGY

Third, get an attorney like everyone else said and don't let her take your kid out of state. You can make her life very difficult. Don't roll over. It's time to go into battle mode. 

Fourth, you will soon learn that there are so many great single women out there. You will find one that is a better match. Life is about learning from your mistakes. Most of us make mistakes getting married to the wrong person and find out what we really need/wanted after it's too late. You'll be just fine my friend. Stop wanting her back.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> I would fight like hell to not let her take your child out of state. If she wants to leave the state, she can leave her daughter behind. Lawyer up...NOW.


This is the most important bit of advice here. I get you're hurt, she has another guy, etc but if you let her leave the state with your kid you'll have a difficult or impossible time getting her back. 

I know someone who tried to move out of state with her kids for some d0uchebag she met online and the kids father went to court and blocked it, as he should have.

Be proactive with that right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is the most important bit of advice here. I get you're hurt, she has another guy, etc but if you let her leave the state with your kid you'll have a difficult or impossible time getting her back.
> 
> I know someone who tried to move out of state with her kids for some d0uchebag she met online and the kids father went to court and blocked it, as he should have.
> 
> ...


I will never agree to let her take him out of the state. I think I have a good case for his best interest in staying here with everyone and thing he has ever known and loved. I don't know if blocking him from going would prevent her from going or what she would do if that happened. I think the best case scenario for me is she leaves the state and he stays with me. If she was gone I think things would be easier for me to deal with, and I have to deal with things either way, probably easier with her thousands of miles away.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Chills22 said:


> I will never agree to let her take him out of the state. I think I have a good case for his best interest in staying here with everyone and thing he has ever known and loved. I don't know if blocking him from going would prevent her from going or what she would do if that happened. I think the best case scenario for me is she leaves the state and he stays with me. If she was gone I think things would be easier for me to deal with, and I have to deal with things either way, probably easier with her thousands of miles away.


But until you have a court decree she can take him wherever she wants. .... she's his mother. 

Petition the court now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> But until you have a court decree she can take him wherever she wants. .... she's his mother.
> 
> Petition the court now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have a divorce case open from when she previously filed so I did some research of my state's laws and that creates an automatic restraining order from either one of us taking him out of the state without permission. Neither one of us can do anything until we have something in writing.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Why on earth do you want this woman back?? Her daughter has behavioral problems so she sends her away?? As she goes to have a tryst across country?? Do not let her take your son, she is nowhere near ready to be a mother, wife or even just a decent human being.

She sounds like a spoiled brat to be honest.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Why on earth do you want this woman back?? Her daughter has behavioral problems so she sends her away?? As she goes to have a tryst across country?? Do not let her take your son, she is nowhere near ready to be a mother, wife or even just a decent human being.
> 
> She sounds like a spoiled brat to be honest.


She is definitely a spoiled brat.

Please remember you are getting everything from me and there are two sides to every story. I know in her mind things are different. In her mind she did everything she could with her daughter and this is a last resort in her best interest. Also her move is to give her a better life in a place where she believes her business will be better received.

Now we all know that behind all this is another man and a new relationship she wants to start. So whether or not she would divorce me, break up our family, move away, etc without him in the picture we will never know. She will say he has nothing to do with it but there is no way to tell. Not that it really matters but in a way the closure would be better for me if it was just about us and not about someone else.

Even though we are over that relationship can't crash and burn soon enough for me.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get your financials in order. Close joint accounts, credit cards etc. Let's see her move across the country without funds. Do not let her have access to any of your money. Her new man may balk at becoming her sugar daddy. Too bad for her. 

I sincerely doubt you knew she was a wh0re before you married her.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I have accepted that our marriage is over and I am making moves to protect myself and my right to my son. But that doesn't mean that I don't continue to make stupid mistakes. 

On Friday I told her through email that I knew she had started a relationship and that she couldn't deny it because I had heard everything. She pretty much just said I wanted to cause drama and that we are done and only legally married. I came home late after a work event and it was the first time in a while that I got some good sleep. It did feel like it helped. 

On Saturday she was gone and then in the room most of the day so I spent the day with my son. We had a minor dispute about where he would sleep but he ended up sleeping with me. I found out that she got a new phone number since her old number was on my account and she did not give me the new number. 

On Sunday morning she wanted to talk and reiterated that she wanted things to be peaceful the next few months and for us to be civil and try to work out our divorce ourself prior to court. I told her that would take both of us and it wouldn't be able to happen if she was starting a relationship with someone else while we are still in the house and bad mouthing me to that person and all of her friends. She insisted she was not starting a relationship with anyone and that she didn't bad mouth me. I just repeated what I said and we both agreed to try to keep the peace. She asked that if we needed to talk we go outside so we weren't around the kids (which I quickly forgot and messed up later in the day). 

We took the kids to the movies and then we went to the store where she asked me to help her by buying drinks for her event and she would pay me back (I know, I know). Then she asked me to tell her about something in the parking lot and when I deferred she cried about how I never wanted to talk to her and that had always been a problem in our marriage. So I did talk to her and that lead to her crying more about how I made her feel not good enough and there was probably someone else out there who I would feel was worth it. There was more crying and we left. 

We got home and she went in the room to talk on the phone. My son was upset about something and went to talk to her. He came back still upset and saying mommy doesn't care. So I waited about 45 minutes to see if she would come downstairs or call him and then I went upstairs. I stopped at the door and could hear that she was talking to the other man. She was apologizing to him because he was upset about something she had done. I admit I got pissed. So I knocked on the door and asked to talk to her and she got off the phone. I told her I know that talking to this person is important to you but your son is coming down stairs and saying you don't care about him, you only care about talking on the phone. She pretty much lost it screaming and yelling and going off. She told me I just wanted to be nosy and she doesn't trust anything I say. She said I was trying to make her out to be a bad mom and she just has friends that she talks to, again going to great lengths to deny she started a relationship. I even said friends don't talk about sex like you are and she said how do you know I don't talk like that with my female friends? She said I just wanted drama and she hated coming to the house. She told me about all my failings again and then stormed out of the house. She was gone for a couple of hours. Probably talking to him and whoever else to tell them about how terrible I am.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Is there any way to get her to move out?


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

Tron said:


> Is there any way to get her to move out?


I do not think so. Her name is on the lease with mine and she does not have anywhere to go. If she did she probably would have already left.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

No point in talking. You will want to keep talking and you will fail to hold it in at times. Forgive yourself, and move on as you detach. It takes time and you are still associating with her old self. Plus, you want to know the truth and you want proof of that truth but you have to think about the source and what goals that source has. What you want and what she wants, conflict with one another.

In any case, get a lawyer to protect yourself as you should not honestly trust her.

Think of her like a spoiled princess, an adolescent child throwing a tantrum. Keep reminding yourself and eventually those labels will stick.

Working out helps and being with friends and family. Btw, once you start detaching from her be cautious as she may try hooking you back like she did in the past. You notice a cycle with her yet? She will never be a good partner until she works on her behavior and the odds of her admitting her faults is slim. You cannot improve until you admit, then comes the hard work of wiring new behavior and brain circuitry to operate differently.

Just act if if already separated because she already left the relationship and she cannot be considered your partner any longer thus anything you would do for your wife or gf is null towards her.


----------



## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

You should definitely stop talking to her about anything except the kids and divorce. She is looking for an exit and has been for a long time. She is doing the exact same thing my sister did. My sister and her now ex moved in with me, her kids had already been living with me for the previous 5 years. I could tell there was great tension between them. Over the course of the next 2 years she was trying out other men. Just like your wife. 

Finally, she hooked up online with a guy she went to high school with and had not seen in 20 years. They started a long distance EA. Then one morning, she said she was taking the kids to visit a friend and let their kids play together. She was gone! We live on the east coast, the other man lived on the west coast, and that is where she went. A little later divorce was filed.

Now here is the part you should pay the most attention to. She won custody of the kids, of course. But the judge ruled that she was depriving the father his right to see his kids. So she had to move back to the east coast. She moved to within 4 hours of the father and they meet halfway for visitation drop off/pick up. So you need to lawyer up and fast. Even if you can't get primary custody of the kids you may be able to stop a cross country move. See if her great love is willing to move across country for her.


----------



## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

180 and lawyer up. Get your finances together as I recently found out, divorce is expensive...


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

It is funny how something that looks so bad when written down can actually be your life.

I know that the argument when she was talking to the other man and our son was upset was more about me than our son. I am just very angry that she is having a relationship like this with someone else and also denying it. She is also telling him a lot of lies that makes me more upset. For example, she told him that when she was pregnant with our son she had to go on bed rest and went into premature labor because of stress my family was causing and I wouldn't step in and do anything about it. She said her father wanted her to move in with them because he was scared of losing his grandson. Other than the bed rest and early labor part none of that is true. It is completely made up and it bothers me that she lies to people about our life and in a way it disrespects our son. It bothers me that after I spoke with her she didn't tell this other man I need to keep peace in my life so out of respect for my former marriage and family I can't talk to you for 4 months and after that if you are still interested we can start talking again.

Let's be honest she has no idea what he is doing. Yes, he could be head over heels for her and only talking to her for hours and texting. Or he could be talking to multiple women or other women or who really knows. For her to be telling him he is her priority and apologizing to him when we are in this situation is just very frustrating. When we were arguing she said she has been having migraines and chest pains and bad health because of everything and I just don't care. I do care but I feel like she is bringing this on herself by adding extra stress to our situation due to this relationship. She won't see that or even admit there is a relationship, everything gets turned back around on me. I am trying to work through all of these feelings so I can move on.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

when is the lease up?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Chills22 said:


> It is funny how something that looks so bad when written down can actually be your life.
> 
> I know that the argument when she was talking to the other man and our son was upset was more about me than our son. I am just very angry that she is having a relationship like this with someone else and also denying it. She is also telling him a lot of lies that makes me more upset. For example, she told him that when she was pregnant with our son she had to go on bed rest and went into premature labor because of stress my family was causing and I wouldn't step in and do anything about it. She said her father wanted her to move in with them because he was scared of losing his grandson. Other than the bed rest and early labor part none of that is true. It is completely made up and it bothers me that she lies to people about our life and in a way it disrespects our son. It bothers me that after I spoke with her she didn't tell this other man I need to keep peace in my life so out of respect for my former marriage and family I can't talk to you for 4 months and after that if you are still interested we can start talking again.
> 
> Let's be honest she has no idea what he is doing. Yes, he could be head over heels for her and only talking to her for hours and texting. Or he could be talking to multiple women or other women or who really knows. For her to be telling him he is her priority and apologizing to him when we are in this situation is just very frustrating. When we were arguing she said she has been having migraines and chest pains and bad health because of everything and I just don't care. I do care but I feel like she is bringing this on herself by adding extra stress to our situation due to this relationship. She won't see that or even admit there is a relationship, everything gets turned back around on me. I am trying to work through all of these feelings so I can move on.


My ex made up all kinds of lies, too. That I was crazy. That I couldn't hold down a job. That I couldn't cook or clean for myself. That I made her do everything. That she wasn't cheating. 

And then six months later I still had my job, had a new place and car, was dating, and teaching martial arts. 

And she was busted by her own family for cheating. 

Just live your truth man. It really is the best revenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

Xenote said:


> when is the lease up?


The lease is up in October. We plan to give our notice on September first. At the end of July she is going to scout out Atlanta for her move, and I am sure be with the person she has been talking to during that time.


----------



## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Chills read my story, Ive done this 3 times and have lost everything to this woman 3 times. Like a fool . I dont know if you can go far back in the archives but my story is beyond belief and many told me to write a book!!! Im finally here and can say this is my last time with this woman. The lies over the years has been beyond belief as recently as last week. I am finally done with her crap and ready to move on as hard as it may be. My children is the hardest part of this ordeal but she is a total freak and I cannot do it any more, You will reach that point . I should have done this a long time ago so fear not, we are in this together .


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

She cheats because you don't make enough money for her. You withdraw by not talking she withdraws by cheating. Since she has a chronic cheating problem, it's tough to conceive how to address this. Presumably a therapist would discuss your communicating better and listening, and her not running after the next guy whenever there is a minor issue or disappointment.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It appears this OM knows a lot about your marriage...maybe it's time you "vent" and "share" with him whats going on with your side of things.

I mean don't be pissed with the POS but confront him as a "friend" ...now that would be a mind phuck for your old lady!

Granted he won't care but you have to admit...it would suck to have your girlfriend's ex calling you all the time "sharing"...LOL

Make it sound like you have no more interest in his new girl friend and you just need to vent...hell get to know his family!!!

Sure I'm phucking nuts but what better way to phuck with your old lady but to become friend with the OM and his family...Ya thinking out side the box here but it is one way to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible!lol

I think your old lady would love it{sarcasm]


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Back in the day (several yrs ago) there was an OP here at TAM who become friends with OM's mother. This poor BH lived with his WW who had a tattoo of the OM and then WW moved in with OM.
This BH phucked with his WW's affair every step of the way.

My point here is the family unit stayed intact, and the OM bailed, and the WW got back to being a mother.....still an ex wife but...a mother all the same.

And that's the thing that hurts me the most here at TAM/CWI is how the wayward breaks up the family unit...I mean they (husband and wife) can split but if a wayward drops the kids ...that's when I get pissed!


----------



## SadSmiley (May 12, 2016)

Chills you visited my thread and told about our similarities. After having read your story, I can only agree. And you the children to consider as well. I really feel for you.

We must both find the strength to move forward. I have yet to confront her about the other man. And reading what happend when you did, I am not so sure I want to. For me it is time to file for divorce, sell the house and move on.

I hope you find the way that helps you move on.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

bcc said:


> Chills read my story, Ive done this 3 times and have lost everything to this woman 3 times. Like a fool . I dont know if you can go far back in the archives but my story is beyond belief and many told me to write a book!!! Im finally here and can say this is my last time with this woman. The lies over the years has been beyond belief as recently as last week. I am finally done with her crap and ready to move on as hard as it may be. My children is the hardest part of this ordeal but she is a total freak and I cannot do it any more, You will reach that point . I should have done this a long time ago so fear not, we are in this together .



I am sorry to hear about your situation. You really can't know someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. All that we have tried to do is what is best for our families. It may look bad when written down but life can be messy and we do the best we can. Other people can give us advice and judge us, but we are good people trying to do the right thing.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

Bobby5000 said:


> She cheats because you don't make enough money for her. You withdraw by not talking she withdraws by cheating. Since she has a chronic cheating problem, it's tough to conceive how to address this. Presumably a therapist would discuss your communicating better and listening, and her not running after the next guy whenever there is a minor issue or disappointment.


That is a pretty good simplification. We have been to counseling in the past but it got blown up because that is when I found out that she cheated for the firs time.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

the guy said:


> It appears this OM knows a lot about your marriage...maybe it's time you "vent" and "share" with him whats going on with your side of things.
> 
> I mean don't be pissed with the POS but confront him as a "friend" ...now that would be a mind phuck for your old lady!
> 
> ...



This would be awesome. I know I do not have the discipline for it. I hate this person. To me any man who would cross boundaries or be inappropriate with a married woman is a scum bag. We are not talking about someone's girlfriend, we are talking about someone's wife and a family. I think that many of these guys prey on married women who are unhappy feeding into their unhappiness and giving them a fantasy world for their own personal gain. Personally I think there should be consequences when someone does something like this with a married women and they shouldn't be able to just get away with it thinking it is OK.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

SadSmiley said:


> Chills you visited my thread and told about our similarities. After having read your story, I can only agree. And you the children to consider as well. I really feel for you.
> 
> We must both find the strength to move forward. I have yet to confront her about the other man. And reading what happend when you did, I am not so sure I want to. For me it is time to file for divorce, sell the house and move on.
> 
> I hope you find the way that helps you move on.


I don't want to make light of your situation at all, but you should count your blessings that you do not have kids.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

The argument I had with her the other night may have helped because last night she actually stayed downstairs and spent some time with our son. I am pretty sure she was still texting with him during that time but at least she wasn't locked in the room talking on the phone.

When I was about to go to sleep she came over and said she wanted to talk to me. She pretty much proceeded to tell me how horrible I was and how unhappy she had been. It was like jabbing the knife in and twisting it. She told me that I didn't communicate and I was emotionally detached. She said that I made her unhappy and she couldn't take it anymore. She said that she cheated on me because there was a void I was not filling and she went out to fill it with someone else. She said she did not like that I turned her into that. She said even in our happy times she felt empty. That she did love me, but she loved herself more. Then she said she hoped we could end things peacefully and work something out for our son. I really didn't say anything. Yes, a lot of what she said was true, and I accept it, but I also think you can't just look at things in a vacuum. For example I told her she never tried to build back trust after cheating and she continued to lie to me. She said I had lied to her too. I said I know I have lied to you too but all lies are not always equal. That set her off and she said all lies are the same. She said I don't ever think I do anything wrong and I think I am better than everyone else. I really just stopped talking after that and listened to all of the hard and hurtful things she had to say about me. Then she went to bed.

This morning when she got up she was crying and I asked what was wrong. Her cousin had passed away overnight. She hadn't seen him for over 10 years but they were close when they were kids. She came to me and I held her and listened to her for a brief time. She said life was too short. I told her she could be sad but I know that he wouldn't want her blaming herself for anything. I also told her I am sorry he passed away. She thanked me. 

It is funny for all the times she says I have never been there for her I can name so many times situations like the above happened and I was there and we had these moments. But I am sure she just got in the car and called him and he made it a point to talk to her and make it seem like he was there for her to take care of her. So when she looks back all that she will see is how he supported her and got her through this tough time.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You should have let her be.

She has fired you from the job of husband.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> You should have let her be.
> 
> She has fired you from the job of husband.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


You are right. I am sure she doesn't even really care that I did it. It is tough to break yourself of doing things like that, especially when you still care. I am a work in progress.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!!!

Stop that right now...next time she can go to her boyfriend and let him deal with her...she is no longer your problem.....don't you get that?

I mean what the hell are you doing to make her second guess her choices...what are you doing to make her think twice about what she is about to lose?

You aren't going any any were...not matter how shytie your old lady treats you.... are you?


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I do not have any choice either way. She has ended the marriage and is moving on. I have to do the same.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I strongly suggest you do not wait for her to file for divorce...cuz she won't!

You will need to make the move cuz if you don't she will continue to ring up debt with your name on it and if she gets into trouble they will go after both the wife and the husband.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

Also I have been reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and for the most part the person described in the book is me. Obviously there are some differences but it is crazy how much it describes me.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If it hasn't already been suggested, paternity test your child. 

A serial cheater cannot be trusted.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen, bub.

She blames you for her affair and she's angry that you made her do it.

Which is totally delusional and abusive.

And there you sit, and chat away with her.

Why do you do that?


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

marduk said:


> Listen, bub.
> 
> She blames you for her affair and she's angry that you made her do it.
> 
> ...



How should I handle the situation if it happens in the future?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Chills22 said:


> How should I handle the situation if it happens in the future?


If you can't get yourself to a place that you'd laugh out loud when she dropped that manipulative tripe on you, just avoid communicating to her at all.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

marduk said:


> If you can't get yourself to a place that you'd laugh out loud when she dropped that manipulative tripe on you, just avoid communicating to her at all.


I am trying to limit conversations to just about the kids but still struggling with how to handle those types of situations while also "keeping the peace." I don't want my life to be non-stop conflict for the next few months and it is not good for my kids.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Chills22 said:


> I am trying to limit conversations to just about the kids but still struggling with how to handle those types of situations while also "keeping the peace." I don't want my life to be non-stop conflict for the next few months and it is not good for my kids.


Do you both have cell phones?

Here's what you do and it worked wonders for my divorce. We used email, but texting will work so much better.

Next time she tries to talk to you say "Listen, I have absolutely no desire in communicating with you about anything but our children or our divorce. I'm not going to respond to anything from you that doesn't discuss the logistics of these two things. And I'd like you to either text me or talk to my lawyer."

And then walk away. Try to ignore her. If she approaches you, walk away. If she calls you, don't answer. If she texts you about anything else, ignore it.

Honestly it really makes everything easier and reduces the conflict.


----------



## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

STBXW dropped off son at school yesterday, I was there as well. Told me on the way out that he wasn't listening very well and seemed to be sugared up, saying every time he with me I give him candy.

She said this after having him for two days/nights and bringing him to school with homemade brownies for his classmate and teacher.

She failed to see the irony.

I ignored her comment and that pissed her off. Feels better every day to stand up for myself.


I only converse about my son, I use text as much as possible, and I keep a voice recorder on the home screen of my phone if case she pushes conversation. Conversation between us always seems to degrade into an argument with her calling me names and then storming off.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Chills22 said:


> How should I handle the situation if it happens in the future?


you look her straight in the eye and say " you can not shift the blame on your actions, you own them, you did them , and blaming me will not help you find the answers in yourself"


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I'll go one step further, because trying to get her to look at her own ****ty actions probably isn't going to work.

Simple response: "I wont accept blame for you allowing some other dude to stick his d!ck in you. That's all on you. Now leave me alone." 

Or when she goes on a rant, just get up and leave the house and go for a run. Leave her talking to air.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"I am not okay with you blaming me for inserting a strangers penis into you."

Or less inflammatory:

"I am not okay with you blaming me for your choices."


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I'm kinda partial to inflammatory...but that's just me.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You need to VAR all conversations with her. She wants to move and take your child with her. She has no problem lying to get what she wants. What pro-active steps have you taken to make sure your son stays? 

Have you gotten a job yet? Does she have a job? How will she support herself?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

180 Time. 

*The 180*




1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

JohnA said:


> You need to VAR all conversations with her. She wants to move and take your child with her. She has no problem lying to get what she wants. What pro-active steps have you taken to make sure your son stays?
> 
> Have you gotten a job yet? Does she have a job? How will she support herself?



I have been keeping a log of all of our interactions and everything that I do for my son on a daily basis. The record will show that I am a primary caretaker in his life.

We both have jobs. I have a really good job as a director and make a decent amount of money, I just never have money because I pay a majority of the bills. She has a job as well but does not want to do that job and wants to work her business full time. To this point she has not been able to get the business to make any money, so it has just drained money, but it is her dream. She believes it will do better in the city out of the state that she wants to move to. At this point we both have jobs and incomes to support ourselves where we are at.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

The last few days have been a little different. She has not been in the room talking to him on the phone, and I have not heard her talk to him at all. She may still be texting him at the house though. Since she moved off of our cell phone account I have no way of knowing. She could be talking to him on the phone all day long and then coming home and only texting him for all I know. 

This morning my son started to tell her that he didn't like it that we were fighting. Since we haven't been arguing she asked him why he thought we were fighting. He said because we were sleeping apart. He said he wanted us to be together and he wanted to be with both of us. When he left the room she said she needed to talk to me and she started to get upset that this was happening to our son and go over all of the blame she placed on me similar to the other night. I said Ok and started to walk away. She said of course you don't want to talk about anything. I looked at her and said I am not going to stand here and listen to you berate me and put all of the blame on me. She said did your counselor tell you to say that to me? At that point my son walked back in which was a great way for me to leave the situation.

As I left the house and put my son in the car she came over to say good bye to him. She shut his door and then looked at me and said it is really hard. 12 years of our lives are over. She said why couldn't you have done things differently. When we had issues a few weeks ago you left the bedroom and you walked away from me when I wanted to talk to you. I told her there are things that I regret but now I am working on myself to improve and be a better person. She said for the next person you're with? I said no for myself and my family. She said who is your family? I said my children are my family. She then got really upset and said, so I am not your family? She said I told you that you would always be my family (she never said that) but now you are saying I am not your family. She started crying and stormed off.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I hate you... Don't leave me.

You cannot get away from this disordered person fast enough.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Chills start doing the 180 list I posted...in earnest. 

You WW is a typical blameshifting cheater. There is really nothing special about her at all. In fact her behavior is pretty textbook. You shut her down properly and refused to engage with her irrationality. That is good. Keep it up. 

Tell her very clearly that you are no longer her husband, that she fired you from that job, and that you only need the divorce decree to make it official. Tell her you hope she and the OM will be happy and that you wish her the best in her future. After that, pure 180 and no more talking about the relationship.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Chills start doing the 180 list I posted...in earnest.
> 
> You WW is a typical blameshifting cheater. There is really nothing special about her at all. In fact her behavior is pretty textbook. You shut her down properly and refused to engage with her irrationality. That is good. Keep it up.
> 
> Tell her very clearly that you are no longer her husband, that she fired you from that job, and that you only need the divorce decree to make it official. Tell her you hope she and the OM will be happy and that you wish her the best in her future. After that, pure 180 and no more talking about the relationship.



Thank you for this. You hear someone saying these terrible things about yourself and how things are your fault and even though you know that it is not only on your shoulders, it starts to feel that way. I am going to continue to not feed into what she is doing and focus on the 180 steps. 

As far as the second part I do have a question. I can tell her that she fired me as a husband but what about when she says she wants to be friends and have a good relationship for our son? For example, let's say she is short on money and needs gas to get to work. Then she asks me for a few dollars for gas. I say you fired me as a husband and that is not my concern. She may say but we are still friends.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Chills22 said:


> As far as the second part I do have a question. I can tell her that she fired me as a husband but what about when she says she wants to be friends and have a good relationship for our son? For example, let's say she is short on money and needs gas to get to work. Then she asks me for a few dollars for gas. I say you fired me as a husband and that is not my concern. She may say but we are still friends.


Tell her something to the effect of "_No, we will not be friends. We can learn to work amicably together to be good co-parents to our child, but I will never be your friend. I will not be a friend with someone who lies to me, betrays me repeatedly, disrespects me, breaks my heart, and then turns around and blames me for it. I don't want that kind of friend in my life. You have your lover-boy and girlfriends to be your friends. Get them to listen to you b!tch and moan about your problems. You are not my problem anymore."_

And if I were you, I would take it further. Tell her that from this point on all the marital perks and privileges she once enjoyed getting from you as her husband are over. 

No more picking her up if her car breaks down on the highway and she needs rescuing. Unless your child is with her she is on her own. 

No more taking her shopping for _her_ projects and then paying for them. (really?)

No more taking her car in for repairs or to get the oil changed. She needs to have her boyfriend do that from now on. 

No more rubbing her back, or taking care of her when she is sick, or taking her to the hospital. Tell her to go see her boyfriend for that stuff. 

No more cooking for her, no more cleaning up her messes. 

No more loaning her money.

No more helping her with her projects. 

No more standing there and listening to her b!tch and moan about her friends or family. 

No more giving a sh!t where she is at night, or if she disappears for days on end, unless it affects your child. 

No more telling her she looks pretty, or complimenting her on her clothing choices. 

No more happy, idle chit-chat. 

No more doing things for her side of the family. 

No more sharing credit cards. 

No more babysitting while she and her OM go out. Get a sitter and go out yourself and have fun. 

See where I'm going? This is the 180. 


Here is a thread by a forgotten poster on some forgotten website, but man is it cogent in your situation:

*
Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them*.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Excellent post Bandit! :smthumbup: @Chills22, follow this, all of it!


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your help. This roller coaster ride has been crazy.

She called me today at work and told me that it was hurting her that I am making all of these changes now but I did not make them before when they could have helped our marriage. I told her I didn't know how to change before but now that I have the information and resources I have to do it so that I can be a better person. I said I wished that I had the NMMNG book before, and we could have worked together to help our marriage, but now I still need to move forward on my own. She said she was happy for me and that I would be better for the next person with the benefit of the experience and changes. She almost made it sound like our marriage had to be the sacrifice for me to be a better person. 

Then she started to talk about working out something for our son. She has an arrangement where she will be an Operations Manager for a new event center in the city she wants to move to, and she says that will be her job- the paperwork has been signed. It is a complicated situation but we will see if that works out (It is not like just accepting a job with an established company that will pay you a salary). It seems in her mind she will be moving there with our son to start a new life. Her only offer was that I could keep him here while she goes and gets everything set up and I can come visit him often (mind you this is 2,000 miles away). I didn't give her any of my legal strategy for why I think I can prevent her from taking him out of the state but I did let her know that I was not agreeing to this scenario she has planned in her mind. Whenever she talked about moving or living out there she kept saying "we." I said there is no we it is just you, do not include my son. She keeps saying she wants to work it out ourselves and compromise, but really it seems that she wants me to give in to what she wants. I told her she has this vision in her mind about her and our son going out there and starting over but that is not the reality of this situation. So she got frustrated and said I guess we will have to settle this in court and hung up on me.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She will be just fine working it out without lawyers as long as it is exactly what she wants.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Shes a sneaky one. You better be careful with her. Stay tucked under your lawyer's wing.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She honestly thinks she can just whisk your son 2000 miles away and you are supposed to sit there and smile while you wave goodbye?? Really?? Oh hell no.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

Yes, she emailed me saying that I do not want to work with her and that he belongs with her. Also that I am trying to hurt her and she sees who I really am. She says that she will never forgive me. She says that I am trying to destroy her for no reason but she will not let me. Honestly I have no idea where all of this is coming from. She knows how I feel about my kids. When she wanted to move away before I would not consider it because I refused to leave my daughter. I am not a summer or spring break dad.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Chills22 said:


> Yes, she emailed me saying that I do not want to work with her and that he belongs with her. Also that I am trying to hurt her and she sees who I really am. She says that she will never forgive me. She says that I am trying to destroy her for no reason but she will not let me. Honestly I have no idea where all of this is coming from. She knows how I feel about my kids. When she wanted to move away before I would not consider it because I refused to leave my daughter. I am not a summer or spring break dad.


Do not answer her when she baits you like this. Say nothing. In fact, do not talk to her anymore until you have consulted an attorney. The time for talking is over. 

She's a cheater and cheaters crave power more than anything, because they feel powerless. That is one reason why they cheat, and one reason they try to strong-arm you when you stand up to them. Ignore her attacks and stick to business.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, what a psychopath, seriously. Here she CHEATS on you then has the GALL to come at you like this? Just...wow. I hope you have a shark lawyer and she gets nothing.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, what a psychopath, seriously. Here she CHEATS on you then has the GALL to come at you like this? Just...wow. I hope you have a shark lawyer and she gets nothing.


I dunno man. Pretty typical from we have seen here on TAM...don't you think?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This one is a little more extreme. The push-pull dynamic screams cluster B to me.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

It is crazy to have to deal with. I know that I have enabled and fed into this type of behavior in the past. I can't do that anymore.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Chills22 said:


> It is crazy to have to deal with. I know that I have enabled and fed into this type of behavior in the past. I can't do that anymore.


180, 180, 180.... 

Read it, apply it, live it. Print it out and read it every morning and again at night until you memorize it. 

When she attacks you, say "I'm not arguing with you. If you want to talk to me, you will talk civilly." And turn around and walk away. 

Do this enough times and she will learn that screaming and yelling are not going to do it any more. Kind of like training a dog. Repetition. 

And keep a VAR in your pocket.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I know I need to 180 and work on myself and that is what I am doing. I just like to post things as they happen here when I can because it is a way for me to vent and get things out and also be able to get some perspective on things. So I appreciate everyone's ongoing help.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

Well last night I worked late so I did not get home until everyone was asleep. This morning we only said a few brief words to each other related to cleaning the house. She is going out of town for an event tonight and I believe won't be back until Sunday morning. So it looks like it will be a quiet few days. We will have to see how it goes.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Stay in the house, 

Stay in contol of your emotions, be alert to bring baited.

VAR all conversations, save all emails.

Read up on your states custody guidelines, then use them to establish yourself for custody. Do not get caught by a loophole. (What makes her think the bio father of her other child will agree to the move?) 

Gray rock her. Old Irish saying: a true Irish man can tell someone to go to hell, get them to so look forward to the trip so they want to know where to buy a first class ticket. 

Let her desire to be with OM and the new job she will give up on custody and just move.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Download an app that automatically saves your texts to the cloud.

I use SMS Backup. It stores them in my google account.

You never know how handy those texts will be for you in court.

You have hired a good lawyer, right? Right??????

Stop answering her phone calls. Good grief, man. If it's not a dire emergency, you don't need to engage with her.

Are the two of you still sleeping in the same bed?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Chills22 said:


> Well last night I worked late so I did not get home until everyone was asleep. This morning we only said a few brief words to each other related to cleaning the house. She is going out of town for an event tonight and I believe won't be back until Sunday morning. So it looks like it will be a quiet few days. We will have to see how it goes.


There is no event. She's going to go be with the OM. 

This script is getting old.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Xenote said:


> STOP THAT!!!!!!
> 
> Stop beating yourself up, regardless of what you did or did not do in the marriage, is NO EXCUSE for her actions...she is blame shifting to make herself feel better...she is a piece of crap....and you do not have to take that, you are not a door mat, your not a whipping post, your a man and father first. Time to leave her brother, and concentrate on yourself and your kids.


Exactly. I could list pages of grievances about every relationship I've ever had. "Not feeling loved" would top the list. But I have *never* cheated.

Most of us could probably have room for improvement as spouses. But cheaters have a way of rewriting history where somehow they are the victim in the whole thing. I'm sure the OP could have done things better as a husband prior to the affairs, but I'm also sure she could have done things better as a wife too. It does not justify lying and cheating. Which she continues to this day.

I'd say try to save the marriage, but how can you ever trust a *serial *cheater again.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Download an app that automatically saves your texts to the cloud.
> 
> I use SMS Backup. It stores them in my google account.
> 
> ...



We are not sleeping in the same bed. She is in the bed and since we have no extra bedrooms I am downstairs on the couch.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Exactly. I could list pages of grievances about every relationship I've ever had. "Not feeling loved" would top the list. But I have *never* cheated.
> 
> Most of us could probably have room for improvement as spouses. But cheaters have a way of rewriting history where somehow they are the victim in the whole thing. I'm sure the OP could have done things better as a husband prior to the affairs, but I'm also sure she could have done things better as a wife too. It does not justify lying and cheating. Which she continues to this day.
> 
> I'd say try to save the marriage, but how can you ever trust a *serial *cheater again.


When she first cheated I was devastated and thought the marriage was over. I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated on me. She begged me to stay. I agreed because I loved her and for my son. But then she never took the steps to build back trust. She wanted me to just pretty much be over it and if I wanted access to things she said she didn't like the way it made her feel. Like I was spying and being controlling. So she never put in work to make me feel comfortable and build trust with me. I would always be suspicious and hack into things and check up on things. And if I checked long enough I would always find something. I hated living that way. This year I finally just stopped and said forget it, I am not checking on things anymore. That is how I missed this OM until I stumbled on her talking to him after she said it was over between us. And I heard that they had been talking to each other for all of this year.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Chills22 said:


> We are not sleeping in the same bed. She is in the bed and since we have no extra bedrooms I am downstairs on the couch.


Her cheating ass needs to be the one on the couch! Better yet, a couch in another zip code! Dude, stand up for yourself!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Chills22 said:


> When she first cheated I was devastated and thought the marriage was over. I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated on me. She begged me to stay. I agreed because I loved her and for my son. But then she never took the steps to build back trust. She wanted me to just pretty much be over it and if I wanted access to things she said she didn't like the way it made her feel. Like I was spying and being controlling. So she never put in work to make me feel comfortable and build trust with me. I would always be suspicious and hack into things and check up on things. And if I checked long enough I would always find something. I hated living that way. This year I finally just stopped and said forget it, I am not checking on things anymore. That is how I missed this OM until I stumbled on her talking to him after she said it was over between us. And I heard that they had been talking to each other for all of this year.


I went through this exact nightmare for over a year with an ex boyfriend that cheated on me. The constant checking on him and the constant finding of things, was so stressful and horrible. It really is no way to live, and I still sometimes kick my own ass over sticking around through all that bullsh!t and disrespect.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> I went through this exact nightmare for over a year with an ex boyfriend that cheated on me. The constant checking on him and the constant finding of things, was so stressful and horrible. It really is no way to live, and I still sometimes kick my own ass over sticking around through all that bullsh!t and disrespect.


Isn't it crazy how they will get mad at you for spying on them even when you try to make the point that every time you spy on them you always find something?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Chills22 said:


> Isn't it crazy how they will get mad at you for spying on them even when you try to make the point that every time you spy on them you always find something?


YES! They are in the wrong, yet WE get chewed for checking on them?? He even used to tell me, well of course if you look you're going to find something! Really?? Hey how about you don't DO stuff you aren't supposed to be doing for me to find! Unreal.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> There is no event. She's going to go be with the OM.
> 
> This script is getting old.


Of course that's what she's doing.

He's just babysitting for their trysting.


----------



## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> YES! They are in the wrong, yet WE get chewed for checking on them?? He even used to tell me, well of course if you look you're going to find something! Really?? Hey how about you don't DO stuff you aren't supposed to be doing for me to find! Unreal.


Exactly, "You are always looking for something." Well... I always find something!


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Chills22 said:


> When she first cheated I was devastated and thought the marriage was over. I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated on me. She begged me to stay. I agreed because I loved her and for my son. But then she never took the steps to build back trust. She wanted me to just pretty much be over it and if I wanted access to things she said she didn't like the way it made her feel. Like I was spying and being controlling. So she never put in work to make me feel comfortable and build trust with me. I would always be suspicious and hack into things and check up on things. And if I checked long enough I would always find something. I hated living that way. This year I finally just stopped and said forget it, I am not checking on things anymore. That is how I missed this OM until I stumbled on her talking to him after she said it was over between us. And I heard that they had been talking to each other for all of this year.


Wow, that is really unfortunate. At least you know now. I would cut her lose even if you love her - otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life feeling insecure.

What blows my mind is the total gall of these cheaters. How they will lie and deceive, then beg you to stay, but act outraged when you want verification of their honesty. Like you said - want you to just "get over it." My H and I have no infidelity between us but we both know each other's passwords and have access to each other's phones. 

We don't check up on each other out of any suspicion, but we think nothing of using the others phone for something if it's more handy than our own. And my H does check my email all the time because we run a business and he likes to see what's up with clients/projects.

He also checks my texts for me a lot - which is actually a good thing because I am spacey and will leave my phone in the bedroom for days when I'm not leaving the house and not notice friends texting me.

I don't think spouses having open access to each other's stuff is unusual at all, and I can't imagine having the GALL to cheat on someone and then suggest that THEY are cramping MY style by checking on me. You're not controlling, she's a cheater and you know that is a threat to your marriage. Good grief.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I understand the numbness, shock and disbelief.

What are you going to do about it? Seriously, what are you going to do about it. 

That is the only thing you need to consider. Decide and stay the course. 

Consult a lawyer!! Going though mediation is fine but not knowing what the law is and how it helps or hurts you is insane. Her emails show an unbalanced person, know how to protect yourself.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Chills22 said:


> I am now wondering if my stbxw has BPD.


Chills, I agree with @*farsidejunky* that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, very controlling actions, inability to trust, temper tantrums, cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, lack of impulse control, periods of low empathy, always being "The Victim," and a rapid flip between Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. I'm not suggesting your STBXW has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

I believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, childishness, and temper tantrums.

I therefore suggest that you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. 

By the way, several of the behaviors you describe -- e.g., her lying and deception, her sending her own DD away for a year to live with an aunt, and her selfish plan to take your son 2,000 miles away from his father -- are so potentially harmful to the children that they sound far more like narcissistic traits, not BPD traits. I therefore note that, even if she does have strong BPD traits, it does not rule out her also exhibiting strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic PD). Indeed, a 2008 study found that 40% of BPDers also exhibit full-blown narcissism. Take care, Chills.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bobby5000 said:


> She cheats because you don't make enough money for her. You withdraw by not talking she withdraws by cheating. Since she has a chronic cheating problem, *it's tough to conceive how to address this.* Presumably a therapist would discuss your communicating better and listening, and her not running after the next guy whenever there is a minor issue or disappointment.


Not really.


----------

