# Ex-escort...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I had no idea we actually had some ex-working girls on this forum. This topic is to be 100% non-judgemental, I don't want anyone come here just to try to prove they are high and mighty, nor to ridicule anyone who responds and admits to their past. I need help from those who have been there, and done that - so I can understand my wife.

As some of you know my wife and I have been having sexual frequency issues, and her nymphomania has been inconsistent throughout the years I've known her. Here's a simplified history...

1) She was an escort for 2 years, was very selective and admitted to enjoying some of her experiences. She admitted recently that she has suffered severe self esteem issues early in life and after losing her virginity.
2) She decided that it was not the life for her, felt guilty about what she did, started going to church, became a different woman, and she claims to have held off sex during her 'conversion'.
3) She met me, we had a yearlong friendship before we got together as I was with someone else, I have never judged her, for that one year, she held off sex and although she dated, never put out.
4) We got together... and our sex life at first was rather... 'fake', it was not intimate, I could tell straight away she was trying too hard to impress me. However, after showing her that I love her for more then what she can do, she opened up alot and the lovemaking was more mutually satisfying for both of us.
5) Marriage, her sex drive increased exponentially, it's like something happened, she just went berserk, started demanding sex 3x a day, and to this day, that's what she wants
6) She's better now, after alot of dramas, still wants the sex 3x a day however, just far less demanding.

To this day we do not have a clear answer that can possibly explain what the hell happened since marriage... please, if you share a similar past to my wife, please help me understand her

She has no clear pattern to read =/


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm not nor have I ever been a working girl, but I'd guess to say you cheated and continue to make her feel insecure through your flirting and other actions.

You also continually push her by quizzing her about being bisexual and about threesomes etc. 

I'm just guessing but as a hunch I'd say your behaviour is the cause of a lot of your problems.

Just saying.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok how many times do I have to post it?
Is it because everyone is following old news?

Alright, November 2012 update:

- We're BOTH OVER the O.N.S. that I had years ago BEFORE marriage that may not even have happened, I was drunk, everyone assumed I cheated, snitched on by a jealous "friend", and I believed it, and that was that.
- I've already stopped the bloody flirting with others it's old news.
- Her insecurity does not contribute to her sex drive - high or low, this is a tested fact from last year's AND this year's experiences and trials.
- I've already allowed myself to become more vulnerable with her
- I am no longer a rollercoaster ride, I have quit alcohol completely and no longer endeavour to drive my wife up the wall

- What the hell does her being bisexual have anything to do with this?
- I do NOT push her into threesomes I have repeated myself again and again that she won't have anything to do with it and although it remains a fantasy I respect and even applaud her decision. It will however, always be a fantasy of mine and she knows it, depending on her mood she even teases me with it

*sigh*
I'm getting tired of explaining myself to folks who think I, or in fact - WE stayed the same since Dec 2010 when I first joined, sorry for my tone but I need up to date responses now, not something years ago.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I'm not nor have I ever been a working girl, but I'd guess to say you cheated and continue to make her feel insecure through your flirting and other actions.
> 
> You also continually push her by quizzing her about being bisexual and about threesomes etc.
> 
> ...


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:slap:

Bah, forget it


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Random Dude...what did you expect posting such a thing? I'm not even sure what the topic is...it starts of being about ex-escorts (and sorry, but that in itself is a touchy subject) and then you go off on all kinds of other stuff. What is it you had hoped to discuss?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm trying to figure my wife out, and yes this subject is touchy for me as well posting a full-on thread that my wife has a past like this but that's how desperate I am right now when it comes to trying to understand her

For years now we've been fighting about sex, even though we've made a few breakthroughs here and there (she's no longer demanding it, but nor is she happy with current sexual 'limits'), her needs remained a CONSTANT. No matter how much I've changed for her benefit over the last 2 years it's still a CONSTANT.

I'm just getting extremely frustrated at not being able to provide for her needs because I'm NOT 18 any fking more


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think it DOES come down to self esteem even though you think it doesn't. MANY women, even those with a "normal" past, feel their only value is sexual. Our society even encourages that - pretty, sexy women have value and those who aren't, don't. 

So to be very sexual is a way to prove she's worthy - of you, of love, of ... everything. I think the more insecure she is feeling, she 'fakes' confidence via sexuality and it's when she's least sexual that she is actually OK with herself.

My .02


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I'm not convinced that this is the place to figure your wife out...I've learned that the long and hard way. I came here for my own problems with my husband, and I never really did figure him out, but I sure figured myself out! 

Once I did that, and stopped trying to decipher my husband's ways, things got a little simpler, and they continue to get simpler with each passing day.

Maybe you need to figure out...you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh, and don't think just because things have been put behind by a certain # of years that it's forgotten. I've been away from ex for 9 years last month and I can tell you there are things that STILL affect me. I can still hear his voice in my head. Our past is always there so don't think just because there was closure on a topic that it's aftermath is gone. It's not.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The only thing I can think of regarding before marriage and now is that she is open more to you because you are showing (or trying to show) that you love her, that she is your one and only. She feels safe, comfortable with you. She feels she can show you the "real her"... 

As for the other stuff...well, some of it wasn't brought up years ago. Some was just a couple months ago. I've only been here since May and you HAVE started threads on the above subjects since then. 

Anyway, my guess is that she is secure in the marriage (now) and is willing to show you the REAL Mrs. RD.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Enjoli

If that's the case then she's been lying to me, to herself, and to our current MC in regards to this issue and all that she made me do and made me change was for NOTHING...

I seriously don't know, I switched off from all this last weekend but now back to our usual routines this is driving me nuts. Right now I feel like just giving up on the whole damn thing, even thinking of divorce again but no... I can never do that to her for something like this, nor do I want to even think of when we seperated due to inter-religious issues.

I just want to fking love her without feeling as if I can't even express my love because all she wants from me is bloody sex

@Maricha

It was this year when I made serious progress with the changes, forgot which month when I quit alcohol, feels like a lifetime already, can't remember. Too focused on present issues like this one. However the changes began a long while back.

As for the "real her", 3x a day... I don't know. I sure as hell don't want to believe it because I'll never feel adequate enough for her. I don't even know the real her anymore. She has improved but at the back of my mind I know she still wants it 3x a day and it sh-ts me...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've tried on numerous occasions to explain your wife to you. In fact I was here last year with a different name and LOTS of us explained it to you.

Its YOU who can't or won't see it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If you are right Mavash then she has been lying to everyone including herself and how can I possibly even deal with that?

I don't sense much insecurity with her nowadays except for her fear that we may seperate again (that seperation was necessary)


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

If she is in fact a nymphomaniac, what did you expect? Once she got married, it would go away? It is highly illogical. Most likely she uses sex to compensate for all the emotional pain she feels. She is trying the fill the void inside of her. That did not worked in the past and, apparently, it's still not working in the present either.

Eventhough your wife is not an escort anymore, this is an experience that no one can take away from her. From time to time, it will come back to haunt her. The same applies to her insecurities and the emotional chaos she has fallen victim of.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've told you how to do that too. You must STOP enabling her.

And of course she's lying to herself. Heck she's so good at it that even she believes those lies.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Memento said:


> Once she got married, it would go away?


She wasn't like this with him before she got married but the rest of your post is spot on.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The nymphomania began AFTER marriage, almost as if she went "yay! I have a willy I can milk 3x a day forever!" or something. Before marriage she was HD like me but it was never like this. When asked she has all sorts of "reasons" from inflating my ego to simply telling me she just enjoys sex like "everyone else" (erm, no)

My wife once told me that she wanted to help others who went through the same thing as she did. Right now I'm hoping someone who went through what she did can help HER or at least help me help her! Unfortunately she also considers her past a closed chapter in her life and hates it whenever I bring it up, it's like she's buried it, but it still contains all the demons.



> You must STOP enabling her.


We have established fresh boundaries in this and have stuck to it so far hence she's no longer demanding it and more accepting towards rejections but it still doesn't change the fact that she still wants it and constantly tries to get it from me as much as possible. No, she's not happy about it, nor about MC, or about us, until we go back to "her way"


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> She wasn't like this with him before she got married but the rest of your post is spot on.


What I am trying to say is, the "beast" was always there. It was just dormant. It explains her former line of work and why she admittedly enjoyed it. 

I believe this woman needs help ASAP!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> it still doesn't change the fact that she still wants it and constantly tries to get it from me as much as possible. No, she's not happy about it, nor about MC, or about us, until we go back to "her way"


Not your problem.

There are two people in this marriage not just one.

The sooner she learns that the better.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So I should just... let her suffer like this?
So there's nothing I can do or say that will stop it?

Why the sudden urge to get drunk a split second ago...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> So I should just... let her suffer like this?
> So there's nothing I can do or say that will stop it?
> 
> Why the sudden urge to get drunk a split second ago...


The only person you have control over is YOU. It's manipulative and controlling to think otherwise. You own your problems and she needs to own hers.

You are codependent and you need help with that.

And don't drink. How is that going to fix anything?


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

RandomDude, I think you are having a really hard time handling the truth and even more so, the problem. 

Writing about this again, next week, next month or a year from now is not going to make any difference. You are not going to find a miraculous cure for it, nor the answer will be any different from what people are telling you today.

You have to start making though decisions and quickly!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Of course I can't control her I just don't want her to stay like this and harbor resentment later down the track

*sighs* And the drinking comment was a method of expression =/
I fking hate this



> You have to start making though decisions and quickly!


Like what? To bear with it or to leave her?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I just don't want her to stay like this and harbor resentment later down the track


Again this is out of your control.

Focus on what you can control which is you and YOUR boundaries.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Perhaps the sex she was having back then as a working girl was so meaningless to her that she 'discovered' something about it with someone she loves.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Of course I can't control her I just don't want her to stay like this and harbor resentment later down the track
> 
> *sighs* And the drinking comment was a method of expression =/
> I fking hate this
> ...


Yes, for starters. Do you really want to save this? Is this something worth being saved? If she is not willing to make changes, will you still stay? Are you a better person after being with this person? Is she better than before? What valuable lessons and moments do you share? Are they greater than the problems? How's your communication as a couple? These are some of the questions you need to start asking yourself and only you have a honest answer for them.

Everyone here can give you the best advises in the world, if you are not willing to listen and do something about your problem, they are useless.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I find it interesting that you are so concerned about her resentment and yet you never mention yours.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I find it interesting that you are so concerned about her resentment and yet you never mention yours.


He seems like a "nice guy".


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why in in the hell are you trying to figure out your wife? Figure your self out and if this women wants what you have to offer then great, if not then there are plenty of fish in the sea.

My point is you can't figure women out they are to complex, but you can be a good man that won't take sh!t and knows what he wants.

I mean really what is there to figure out? Are you trying to adapt to her, or figure it all out so you can remold her? 

She is what she is just like you are what you are.


In short, say you do figure her out then what? Now you have the secret to the univerus and now all will be good.
You can't change or control her once you do figure her out but you can control *you* and be the guy she wants to be with.

Man that was deep. LOL

Popeye said this alot " I am what I am and thats all that I am"


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

RandomDude, I am an ex-escort. I have a thread or 2 that I started earlier this year on here, I know you responded to at least one. I have been on TAM for a while, doing tons of reading, trying to get a grasp of what a healthy, positive, loving relationship is like. 

I was only an escort for a summer years ago, while I was between school and a career. But honestly, while the money was very good, I in part did it because I too, love sex, I enjoyed myself, the men were decent, and very kind. Even surprisingly, with one, I had some of the best sex I have had. However, one day I felt like I had walked away safely enough times, that my chances of something bad happening were getting extremely high. No way would I want my family to find out what I had been doing, because I got hurt, arrested, or worst of all, murdered. I say all this, and yet, in a very bad moment recently, I took action to go back to escorting, was very close to having a date lined up, all I had to do was call the fella and set the date up, (I don't give out my number first, I would always get theirs and all them), but would get nearly physically sick every time I would start to dial. Its something I was going to default back to, in a dark time of feeling very unworthy and alone, and greatly needing some, something, whatever it all is that I would get from it. 

Did anything bad/scary ever happen to your wife while she was working? 

I would love to try to help you understand your wife, maybe it will help to continue to give me some understanding of myself! Over the last year I have been working to get myself mentally healthy. I am still a ways out, but am getting closer lol. 

I find it interesting that she had years of being sexless, after she quit being an escort. I too was sexless for years after I quit. I then decided, that I will never again have anything to do with any d!ck that isn't attached to a man who I respect and love (or at least could see myself loving in the future). I just recently started hanging out with a really great guy, and have started being sexual again. 

I have to get going, lots to do today, and this thread is already kind of bogged down, I am not sure if I even saw any specific questions you had. Feel free to ask me anything though, I will gladly do my best to offer any insight I have on any matter.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Damn, if my wife gave me sex 3 times a day and she was happy that I gave it to her. I would keep my mouth shut and ride that pony for all it's worth. And there is no way I'm questioning her about her past. It happened before me and as long as it's not going to screw up our marriage I could care less who she was before meeting me.

Anything that happens after we're together, now that's another story.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Damn, if my wife gave me sex 3 times a day and she was happy that I gave it to her. I would keep my mouth shut and ride that pony for all it's worth.


You're assuming he WANTS to have sex 3 times a day.

He doesn't.

You're assuming all men are walking erections.

They aren't.

If this were a woman you'd have a different answer. 

No man wants to be used no matter what he's being used for whether it's sex, money or status. RD wants to be loved and this isn't what love is about. It's about her anxiety, her insecurity and her dysfunction. That's not attractive its needy and a turn off.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

40isthenew20 said:


> Perhaps the sex she was having back then as a working girl was so meaningless to her that she 'discovered' something about it with someone she loves.


That sounds similar to what she tells me in an attempt to inflate my ego and get me to forget the issue =/



Memento said:


> Yes, for starters. Do you really want to save this? Is this something worth being saved? If she is not willing to make changes, will you still stay?


We're soulmates, so yes it's worth saving. Now I'm not saying that she's all bad, as I mentioned before she has made changes and is no longer demanding (most of the time), but she still gets unhappy whenever I don't put out.



> Are you a better person after being with this person? Is she better than before? What valuable lessons and moments do you share? Are they greater than the problems? How's your communication as a couple? These are some of the questions you need to start asking yourself and only you have a honest answer for them. Everyone here can give you the best advises in the world, if you are not willing to listen and do something about your problem, they are useless.


We're fine with almost everything else now, just some lingering inter-religious issues and minor disagreements in parenting. We've solved alot of our other issues. Many of which were solved due to the advice from this forum.



Mavash. said:


> I find it interesting that you are so concerned about her resentment and yet you never mention yours.





Memento said:


> He seems like a "nice guy".





> Why in in the hell are you trying to figure out your wife? Figure your self out and if this women wants what you have to offer then great, if not then there are plenty of fish in the sea.
> My point is you can't figure women out they are to complex, but you can be a good man that won't take sh!t and knows what he wants.
> I mean really what is there to figure out? Are you trying to adapt to her, or figure it all out so you can remold her?
> She is what she is just like you are what you are.
> ...


What's wrong with being nice as long as I'm firm? I was too insensitive while I was in the booze, now my empathy is much sharper sober and furthermore -> I made this thread to UNDERSTAND her so I DON'T have to resent her. I want to figure her out so I WON'T judge her and get p-ssy with her. If I'm to be labeled a "nice guy" for wanting to be a good husband for my wife then so be it, I'd rather that then be inconsiderate to her problems.
We're a team, and I care about her deeply.

@Illbehisfoolagain

Thanks so much for replying! I truly admire your courage in this. Yes my wife has also admitted to enjoying some of her experiences, and it did help her with her esteem years ago, and she didn't do it for the money either - she's from a wealthy background. She was always selective however, and we have escort agencies here in Australia which makes it legalised and regulated, so her experiences were quite safe.

Now that you mention it however, you mentioned you went through a sexless period just like my wife. It seems you two went through similar experiences, what I'm wondering though is whether and how her past contributes to her present behaviour and desires - she's insatiable with her sexual needs, and still wants it 3x a day or else she doesn't truly feel desired and loved by me.

You mentioned you decided to not get involved with any d-ck unless it's someone you respect and love, this also explains her loyalty actually, however, it's the nymphomania that I simply don't understand 

Tell me, how can a man make you feel loved and desired? Also, if he rejects you would you take it very personally no matter how he said it or his reasons? Also, does non-sexual affection from a man mean anything in this case? I hope these questions aren't too direct, but I'm pulling my hair out at the moment =/


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

I don't know if I can be of any help, my wife was not a "working girl" at any point in time, in fact we were both virgins when we got married. However, once we started we had sex a lot, like several times a day. Usually once in the morning, once at night and sometimes/most times mid day. We were always late to family gatherings, dinners, we'd miss appointments all because we were getting it on. After 9 years of marriage and 2 kids we were about 3 times a week, which in my opinion not enough, but I thought it was what she wanted. 

Then to make a long story short, some stuff happened almost got divorced but instead we had a communication break through, and she staight said, "I need more sex." At least once a day, and altough it was what I wanted previously, I was like gulp, strap up big boy we're going in. Now the pressure to perform was on. (It can be quite intimidating when a gorgeous woman looks at you in the eyes and says in so many words, better take care of business, lets see what you got.) Now here we are three years later, still have sex usually everyday, but sometimes things come up, kids, work, family, whatever and my wife sometimes if say three days pass with no sexual contact, and its not just vaginal sex, but sexual contact, oral, hj, breastplay, a variety of things, she'll start saying that I don't find her attractive any more, or she's not pretty any more, or I don't love her anymore. 

And she seriously thinks it too, sometimes, not always she'll cry, and I tell her she's being silly, that, just because I cought a cold and had to work and her parents we visiting and it was 3am, doesn't mean I don't love her or find her attractive anymore. She always keeps track of how long it's been since our last romp. It's like she uses it as a measurment of our relationship and while I love having sex with her and all the wonderful things she does to me, I wish she'd know that I love her for her and just because it's been the days doesn't mean I don't love her, or desire her. It's like I wish she knew it inside and didn't need proof. 

I'm not complaining about the frequency, though, I'm happy with once a day, but not with her feeling unloved if something comes up. Maybe our wifes fear abandonment and use sex as a means to secure their places in life. And maybe it's on some deep level, that they don't even see or understand. I know my wife loves sex and she loves me but sometimes her emotions take over and she starts thinking weird. 

I'm thankful my wife loves me and if she has any emotional issues which I believe she does, I'm thankful she seeks my affection and attention rather than a bunch of nameless men. Don't know if I've helped at all, but I see similarities.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Seems like this issue happens with women regardless of their past... =/

I know EXACTLY how you feel when you said 


> I wish she'd know that I love her for her and just because it's been the days doesn't mean I don't love her, or desire her. It's like I wish she knew it inside and didn't need proof.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Yup. It's like no matter what, I have to prove my love and affection. And it's not every time we go three or four days without, but it's like if I don't do this, then it means that.

I think it's just insecurites, or emotional development issues. I know my wife has these emtional issues and as her husband I try my best to help her see when she is riding her emotions and missing the logic. I try to be patient and calm and understanding, there are a lot of other issues that are horrible for a married couple to be going through, I don't see this a anything too huge. I try to keep things in perspective, although, when you focus on just this and I can imagine 3x what I go thorugh it can be very frustrating.

I remember once we were having sex and going for round two, mid way I dropped my erection, like it was just too tired and I went down for oral on her and she started crying, saying I didn't think she was attractive. Give a guy a break, please. Or if we get interupted, a knock on the door, kids crying, and I get soft, even just a little... Here we go again, But I'll take this issue over just about any other that a married couple can have. I figure every marriage/relationship will have some issue, I'm ok with this one.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife's problem I guess in this case is her pride as well, she feels proud of pulling herself out of the mess she was involved in, she even feels proud she charged almost double the usual rate and still had willing clients even if the other side of her feels ashamed of what she has done.

It's this pride that covers up alot and I guess makes me confused about her self-esteem. She covers it up well as she walks tall with confidence and dresses well no matter where she is. She can pull off the most seductive teases from time to time (when she actually bothers to) which takes immense confidence. In the end, I'm also proud of her...

Just wish pride isn't a two-edged sword which it is...

I guess it's true it's not a dealbreaker, but doesn't mean I will ever stop trying to fix it because 3x a day is simply unbearable for me knowing the consequences when I don't perform. Damn it, I feel like a male escort with her sometimes. Or a man-slave.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> She covers it up well as she walks tall with confidence and dresses well no matter where she is. She can pull off the most seductive teases from time to time (when she actually bothers to) which takes immense confidence.


If you met me in real life you would have thought I was the most confident person out there and it was totally a fake. I was a fraud and my outsides did not match my insides.

Check out this list:

Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Anything sound familiar? Notice overachieving is a sign of low self esteem, not taking responsibility for your own life, fear of change, etc.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> constantly putting others down through guilt, blame, shame, or faultfinding.


When it comes to sex, sometimes.


> Finding forgiveness difficult.


Nope...


> Over or underachieving, -eating, -working, -doing, etc.


Can't see how this is a bad thing even if it's a sign, she eats well, keeps herself fit, always active - still doesn't have a job but meh, I'm done arguing with her about that for now


> Playing the victim, rationalizing that outside circumstances are the causes of your problems.


Yup, when it comes to sex


> Not taking responsibility for your own life; turning power over to another to make decisions for you, then feeling victimized if the results are not to your liking.


When it comes to sex, yes.


> Taking too much responsibility for the lives of others, dominating and making decisions for them.


When it comes to religion, yes.


> Fear of change and reluctance to take risks. Or too much change, taking dangerous, unwise risks.


Yes and no, she does seem to fear change but does seem to be able to take risks in other cases - such as public affection in the middle of ******* central


> Constant negativity or being so optimistic that reality is denied.


Can't say I noticed that


> Reacting to others with extreme emotion or no emotion.


Silent treatment or outright explosions, still don't see how it's connected


> Boastfulness, lying, embellishing, exaggerating, and overbearing behavior around others.


Nope


> Inability to maintain integrity during interactions with others.


Nope, she is a good person, just a bit demanding on the sexual side


> Demanding to be “right,” needing to have agreement or have your own way most of the time, or constantly acquiescing to the will and opinions of others.


Well what can I say, she's stubborn but most of the time she's reasonable.


> Constantly comparing yourself to others, thereby feeling inferior or superior.


With other women sure, but don't all women do that?


> Black/white, either/or thinking; e.g., believing that a person is either good or bad based on rigid standards of behavior.


She has a tendency for this yes, until I come in and wise her up


> Having pervasive deep-seated feelings of fear, terror, or panic.
> Speaking with lots of shoulds, oughts, could haves, and yes-buts.


When it comes to sex, yes.


> Interpreting the hurtful words or actions of others as proof of your unworthiness.


Most of the time she's cool, depends on her mood

Hell I dont know =/
Now I'm even more confuddled >.<


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's the closest term I found to describe the whole issue

What else can I call it?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Like...?

Thesaurus.com | Find Synonyms and Antonyms of Words at Thesaurus.com



> No results found for nymphomania
> Please try spelling the word differently, searching another resource, or typing a new word. Or suggest the word to our lexicographers here.


:banghead:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Now that term, "bipolar" would p-ss her off far more then calling her a nympho lol

But I guess "hypersexual" would do


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

michzz said:


> Google bipolar hyper sexuality


Not everyone has a psychology degree. Also, his biggest issue is not giving it a proper name, but rather having to live with the consequences of it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And the consequences that many men would die for - until they live it

Not all beds and roses, HD is nice, ED (Excessive drive) is NOT!


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> @Illbehisfoolagain
> 
> Thanks so much for replying! I truly admire your courage in this. Yes my wife has also admitted to enjoying some of her experiences, and it did help her with her esteem years ago, and she didn't do it for the money either - she's from a wealthy background. She was always selective however, and we have escort agencies here in Australia which makes it legalised and regulated, so her experiences were quite safe.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I have never felt loved by a man. I have never been in a healthy, loving relationship. However, the way I have been able to feel desired and valued by men has always been through sex, getting paid hundreds of $$$ for sex really added to that feeling. I don't know what it would take for me to really feel loved by a man. I would like to think just him telling me he loved me, because by the time I get to that point with a man, its going to be real love anyway, I hope. I like to think I will be able to believe him, and really feel it. 

This man that I am hanging out with now, things are complicated, I don't want to go into a lot of details. Though we are close, we aren't a couple. He works insanely hard, harder then anyone else I have ever known, plus he is going through some ****. He is having some legitimate exhaustion, stress, and depression issues. Yet, even as I write that, that little voice in my mind whispers "So he says". He does end up turning me down sometimes. I am as sure as I can be that he's not getting his **** wet anywhere else, so it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like I am not good enough, not cute enough. In the beginning it was devastating. We aren't boyfriend and girlfriend though, and I really had to get a handle on myself. Maybe its really NOT me? Maybe he really is just all of those things and isn't feeling like getting it on? I like to think I am an extra rational, crazy girl LOL! Of course, I still ask for verbal reassurance all the time. I am starting to feel kind of creepy about it, and am working really hard on stopping that too. 

What was her sex drive like before escorting? Before escorting I was extremely promiscuous. When I had a boyfriend for a year, I was ok with sex 2x a day. A 10-15 min quickie in the morning before he went to work, and a good, thorough ****ing before he went to bed. Before that boyfriend I was really weirdly promiscious like, in a really not good way. I had a long term, casual sexual relationship with my stepbrother. Sometimes I would have sex with more then one guy in a day (not at the same time). While I was with my boyfriend, in my early 20s, I moved to a whole new town in a whole new area. I started escorting after being single for a good long while. Oh! That brings me to part of of why I stopped having sex after escorting. I realized I was getting a certain high off sex. I realized this, because of the crazy feeling I would get, and how I would end up escalating my behavior to calm it. I recognized this crazy feeling to be so similar to the crazy feeling I got while in the throws of a cocaine addiction, that crazy intense, not normal feeling of NEEDING MORE NOW!!! Stranger sex, sex with the stepbrother, sex with more then one man in one day, escorting, MAN what highs! No kidding. So after the escorting, in a moment of clarity, I realize this. I think OMG WTF on earth could I do to top that? Huh? What more is out there? Sex shows? Ass to ass? (Requiem for a dream reference lol) I mean seriously. I felt like it was either sink or swim. Would I let this take me down somewhere really, really creepy? Or would I get a grip? I wanted to get a grip, I have SO much going for me. Your wife married you, that saved her from so far having to make such a decision, no, thats not how I really mean it, but it sounds like she doesn't have much of a handle on herself. Again, I have to get going, but will address the rest of the questions you asked me when I have time again later tonight.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I am as sure as I can be that he's not getting his **** wet anywhere else, so it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like I am not good enough, not cute enough.


So it seems all this stuff I did... no flirting/reassurance/vulnerability/no alcohol that I did for my wife to convince her she's my one and only, and to earn her trust in my fidelity... was for nothing. 

... anyways, moving along...

She admitted to being extremely hurt by her first who took her virginity, which she believes to have influenced her later past behaviour. She was apparently very cold in later high school and was quite rebellious according to her parents. She has done her share of drugs as well, not on the strong stuff though, not during those times anyways. Most of the sex in her life happened during her escort days and not just with clients.

One thing of note you mentioned... that "high", I've heard of this before from other HD women. My wife seems to have used religion to contain herself, and we used to be exhibitionist, then she stopped, put on her good girl shoes in marriage, then proceeded to eat me alive 3x a day. I don't get it... She's the most adventurous women I've ever met when it comes to sex, she would do anything and everything for me - except for sharing me or allowing me to share her or LEAVING ME ALONE!!! No exhibitionism nowadays either... *sigh*

One thing I don't get though in regards to security is that she gets looks/compliments all the damn time from tons of guys, everywhere she goes. She's attractive, tall and carries herself with confidence. In fact come to think of it now I wonder if it contributes to her believing that I'm a man, and men like her, therefore if I reject her, and I know her deeply, then there's something wrong with her... If this is true, then how do I deal with this?

Thanks for your replies so far, it's getting interesting... and I'm sure you'll be able to feel love soon, seems to me you're more open to experiencing the real thing then my wife actually.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I don't know, was it for nothing? I hope not. Didn't you say you were an alcoholic? Addictions certainly don't help a relationship, thats for sure. I don't think you should feel like it was all for not. 

Please keep in mind, that my situation with the man I am hanging out with right now, is completely different then you and your wife's situation. I demand nothing of him. I simply let him know that I am always down to get it on with him, and that all I want to do is make him feel good, because I like him and he is a sexy man and he turns me on. We dont see each other too often, maybe once or twice a week, and we don't get it on every time we see each other. We talk on the phone a little maybe once or twice a week too. I don't know how I would be if I had a husband, or someone who I knew was "mine" because he loved me. I can imagine I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him. This guy right now, like I said, its complicated. I have had to cool myself out on him a lot, otherwise I was just driving myself crazy. Why I don't just go find someone else, is because he's so much of everything that I have always wanted in a man. No matter how much he hurts my feelings, I still just want to be around him. I can't explain it. 

You asked if non sexual affection works. I don't even know what that entails! I have never been in a relationship where we said "I love you" or anything like that. Basically every relationship I have had with a man was centered around sex. 

I don't know how you will get her to leave you alone or give you a break. I don't know how you will get her to know you love her without sex. I think there is some poignant saying about that, about how its not the responsibility of the person loving someone to make that someone feel their love, its up to that someone to be able to feel that love that person is giving them. I can't remember the saying, but that was the message of it. She is going to have to do a lot of work on herself, to be able to recognize the love you are giving her when you're not inside her. I mean, you do know that is why she craves sex with you so much, because then your love is actually tangible, in the form of your **** hard for her. I don't know how you deal with her feeling so deeply hurt when you turn her down, because I know you aren't wanting to turn her down often, you just want it a little less, right? What if you didn't coddle her? What if you gave her a little tough love, and just let her be sad and ask her to do something to learn to feel your love in other ways? Because really, you can't make her feel your emotions, she has to be emotionally open to feeling them herself. 

I have a very physically demanding lifestyle. Some days I go to bed exhausted and body sore, and I didn't see a single man all day, just from hard work LOL! I really think that has helped. If her her arms and legs and core muscles all hurt from working out, she might not feel like getting it on as much. Plus it might help her find some zen, some inner calmness. Thats really what she needs. Has she had any sort of therapy, or done any sort of self help work? Does she work, or have any hobbies that get her out of the house for most of the day?

I truly don't know if love is in the cards for me or not. I really hope it is.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Reading that almost makes me wonder if I took her virginity in "another way" with all the fluffy lovey doveys... hence her craziness... I dunno
She says she's never truly been in love before she met me, I tell her the same thing, but I'm not bonkers like her lol

As for her being present, that was a problem spotted straight away on our first night. It was great, but it was an issue that took sometime to "fix", about a year actually. She's not distant when it comes to sex, at least not since those days, she's very passionate, just a problem when she's aggressive/demanding at the same time.

As for tough love, holding off from her - in the past, it led to fights, silent treatments, manipulations, constant complaints, nags, and a few "rapes" from time to time. Nowadays she just feels like sh-t and makes me feel awful.

We had a good night recently which was a breath of fresh air, a very passionate and loving experience, not all about sex and orgasms and such, it was very intimate for us. However, she still wants the raw humping. Which is fine, as long as it's in balance - which it's not =/

As for her fitness, she works out regularly, a solid pole dancer and also took up martial arts. Didn't make a dent in her sex drive. She doesn't work though, but does go out pretty much all the time.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Really it comes down to, she's going to have to want to work on changing. Shes going to have to change her inner dialogue that she goes through when you turn her down. Do you know what it is that she tells her self? Have you guys talked specifically about that? If she wants to change her reactions, you may be able to help her write a new inner dialogue to tell herself. She's going to have to work on dealing with that anxiety that it causes. She's going to have to work on convincing her self that its truly NOT about her, that it really is the legitimate reasons you give her. But its only going to work if she really wants to make an effort to feel differently. She is capable of doing this, but you make it so its just not necessary for her is the thing. I think you would have to become a real hardass to get the ball rolling no doubt, and honestly, it may be a thing where she would have to hit rock bottom to really want to change, and a good husband like you would never let that happen. I am not saying you are doomed to live this way forever, but something is going to have to make her want to work on getting more mentally healthy. She may walk tall and with all the confidence in the world, but is she really? Confident people are ok with being alone right? They are good with themselves right? Is she good with herself?

I say all this, but I know its far easier said then done. I am so far from being good with myself still. I always think, I have everything, except love. I feel like that is the one thing that will really help me heal at this point. I want to be able to be happy with myself as I am, but I don't know if I ever will be.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, it's been close to 7 years now since I've known her, though only married for about 4, we're no longer the strong folk we used to be, we've grown interdependent on each other. As for being a good husband, well I don't know about that. 

Though... it's becoming apparent that I may just have to be a hardass to get the ball rolling. I'm just hoping it doesn't have to be that way (not to mention I am HD too! Just not ED like her) As for what she tells herself whenever I reject her, she's very negative about it, won't believe me when I tell her I don't want it. Sure at times she succeeds with some rather nice teases which makes me forget whatever I'm doing but that doesn't happen all the time... *sighs* ironically I guess that contributes to this mess as well maybe?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Yeah, I think that you do contribute to it. This man I hang out with, like I said, he works insanely hard. He owns his own, quite successful business (that is how I met him). I will try to distract him sometimes, I want him to relax, have a little fun during his day, he deserves it! He will sometimes flat out refuse to let me distract him. He is very much in control of things all the time. It took me by surprise one day when I realized all these boundaries he had set, I almost wanted to praise him for it. LOL! I always just come back to the fact that I am way to into this man though. I think him sometimes being standoffish fuels the fire. 

Anyway, so the boundaries are set, and now, right off the bat he is in charge. If he is really busy, and has a lot of work to do, then he is really busy and has a lot of work, thats how it is, he isn't wishy washy about things, and he doesn't feel sorry for me lol (though, I have not really put a lot of effort into distracting him from work, because I feel that would be disrespectful to try to get him to go against what he just said). Honestly, it has helped me toughen up, because like I said, I was driving myself crazy with it, letting it make me feel so badly, and we aren't even a couple! Its only because I have such a crush on him that I let him even have the ability to hurt my feelings so much. I am sure he doesn't feel bad in part because he's not trying to be mean in any way. He just doesn't feel like getting it on, and hes done bending to women, his last wife used him up in that sense. Its all good, as someone who needs a strict man and boundaries, it all just makes me like him even more haha! I fear the poor fella is doomed, that is until he rips my heart out by ditching me when he decides he's done with me that is.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah... ok that's it, you've nailed it

I'm no longer going to be wishy washy about our sexual boundaries at all. 

When it comes to sex, our boundaries SUCK. Everything else I can handle, but sex is a toughy. It's time to change... I think this is the one thing that probably affects everything else. Have to be more firm, and harden my heart again, since quitting alcohol I've truly went too far into the beta zone. And before that I was too far in the alpha zone. Need to find a balance.

Now I just have to wait for the next time my wife tries to push boundaries. Hell I sure as hell hope she doesn't get desperate enough to plan and pull off some crazy tease that makes me go nuts. And I sure hope the masturbation that is sure to follow due to self-imposed sexual withdrawal won't mess up my erections in the future.

That's the problem with us men, we are given both a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run ONE at a time...
- Robin Williams


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> No man wants to be used no matter what he's being used for whether it's sex, money or status.


Looks coy, i thought men would like to be used for sex


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

RD, 

This is my arm chair analysis. 

Everything about your wife is defined by sex. Her value, her identity as a woman, her ability to show intimacy, even her recreational interests. It all revolves around sex.

The reason her drive has gone up since the marriage is because sex used to be "bad" for all the reasons I think are understandable (escort etc), but now that she's married sex is now a positive for her. So the item that defined her has now gotten a full pass.

So why does she need it all the time? Like I said above, EVERYTHING for her is about sex. If she's feeling disconnected from you..sex will fix it. If she's feeling insecure about herself, sex gives her that temporary boost of confidence. If she's just bored, sex is the way to occupy her time, if she wants to show you some love...sex it is. 

Now I could be way off base, but this is what I'm thinking.

Now the hard part....how to "fix it" without ruining sex. Well your wife needs some serious counseling to discover her self worth and value is herself, not her sexuality. She needs to find some hobbies. She needs to get the connection with you while laying on the couch watching a movie etc. It sounds easy but its not. Your wife may never be able to change her perceptions because they're so engrained.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Looks coy, i thought men would like to be used for sex


They don't. Oh sure it sounds like fun in the beginning but men are emotional people who want love just like women do. It gets old. 

Men want to be more than just a hard d!ck, a paycheck, or a way to meet all the right people, etc. They want to be accepted fully, completely and loved for who they are as a person not just for what they can DO or provide. KWIM?


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