# Met a new girl...but



## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I separated from my wife two weeks ago now...we had been working on it for the last year and I thought we were making progress, but apparently she didn't and decided she was done trying.

I kept trying for a few more days, asking if she was completely sure there was no chance for us...no chance that in 6 months she would say "if you had just tried a few more times, I think it would work...", but the answer was a flat no...so I signed up for an online dating site.

The same day I had plenty of offers to meet...didn't think women were like that (I've been missing out?!) I'm not ready for anything physical, so most of those contacts went away. I am still in contact with two of them though. One is playing hard to get, and since I'm not trying to get anyone...well, I haven't talked to her in a couple of days.

The other is quite aggressively chasing my attention. She knows I want to be friends first and is willing to wait, up to 6 months if I need it. She's very attractive and we have a pile in common...same music, same taste in movies, both like camping, both see a road trip as a valid vacation plan...everything. She has expressed an interest in me sexually (quite often actually) but said she will wait until I'm ready...very flirty texts...but after we met for lunch one day, I was left with the feeling she had a bit of a learning disability. Very slight, mostly affecting her maturity...but when I asked about some of her responses, as they were a little confusing to me (how do you delicately ask if there is some mental disability without looking like an ass?)...her response was, English is my second language & my French kind of jumbles my English up...made sense to me...but over the last week, we've talked on the phone a couple of times (still mostly a text friendship) and I still feel that she has a learning disability. During the phone call she inadvertantly admitted that she had a learning problem, so didn't do well in school...

Now I feel I'm being unfair to her. I know she has this disability, but I am very attracted to her (some of it is sexual, can't lie about that) and I don't want to take advantage of her. Is it wrong to start a relationship with her? The only thing is that I also want to protect her from all the other guys out there (you know, guys like me who want to have sex with this pretty woman...damn, I'm a pig) If I dump her, she will be vulnerable again...and the next guy probably won't care and just use her. I don't know if I can get past this disability, but I also don't want to hurt her (she is already quite attached...as am I).

I just fall too hard, too fast. Damn...damn, damn.

I know what the answer is, I just don't want to walk away.

Later.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why don't you meet her in person and go from there?


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

You aren't alarmed by the red flags you see, from her AND from you?

You can't fix her even if she "needs" fixing.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Do you think you're emotionally ready for a relationship? Up until 2 weeks ago you were wanting to be back with your wife. If I were you I would think long and hard if youre ready or you could end up being like one of those guys you want to protect her from.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Any red flags means a no go. There will be others...


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I want to reply to Peeps.

Even though I have pain for my wife mostly finding out she is dating now..but i know the marriage is over ..he does to.

I was told by a good friend that at some point you will meet someone that will rock your world and you will forget your ex ever existed. He is looking for that someone.

It sure beats pining away at home. He is getting out which is heathy I think.

I found out about mine dating but scheduled my date for this week case I need to get on with my life.. so is he.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

@ Peeps...I am the type of guy that I want to protect her from. Except I have a conscience...I need to figure out if it is just physical attraction, or if there's more. We do have a lot of things in common, so I need to wait...I'm not about to push her into something she doesn't want to do, but I don't have to push. If anything I am holding her back, which for me is weird. My married life was only sexual once a month when it was good...so having to hold back a woman from sex that she is asking for is killing me. I have met her, but only the one time. I took her out for lunch for an hour...I work out of town, and I didn't meet her until the last day I was home...two weeks away, then home for one.

Thanks Jason for understanding where I am right now...for me the marriage was over six months ago, we just verbalized it two weeks ago...and cut the physical ties at the end of April (I didn't know it then though, although I knew something was up when there was no "loving" before I left for work)

Later.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Having a "learning disability" doesn't mean a person is stupid or any less able to take care of themselves than anyone else. Albert Einstein was said to have a learning disability. Da Vinci was dyslectic. Do some research before writing someone off. You'd probably do the same if they had a physical illness, right?

And btw... Going from a spouse who couldn't care less about sex to one that wants to jump your bones daily is a WONDERFUL experience! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

@PBear...I didn't say I thought she was stupid, or dumb...she is just emotionally immature...I think she's a very cute girl and we are mutually attracted to one another. Here's my shallow problem, I don't want people to think I'm taking advantage of her...mostly my family. (I feel like a piece of crap even saying that)

I'm going to take my time & go on a few dates before we make it too physical...although it will be hard. I just want to make sure I have feelings for her other than lust. I will have to talk to her about it some more. She is an adult and makes her own decisions. I've already warned her that I'm lusting after her right now and may not have the control that I want to have. I'm afraid of making a poor decision and her getting hurt in the process, but really she was on the dating site as a willing adult. And no one was looking out for her before...I do really like her. Just being an idiot about other peoples opinions.

Later.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unless someone is handicapped/challenged/whatever the politically correct term is these days to the point of being unable to make proper decisions, how can you be taking advantage of another grownup, as long as you're being honest about your intentions and feelings?

I think you ARE too worried about what other people think. And I wonder if it's because you think she'll embarrass you or because other people may think you're taking advantage of her. Like showing up a Christmas dinner with a hot woman who's from a "lower class" and doesn't know proper etiquette... Only you know the answer to that, of course. I don't know, that's for sure. Just throwing out ideas.

C


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

coldshoulder said:


> @PBear...I didn't say I thought she was stupid, or dumb...she is just emotionally immature...I think she's a very cute girl and we are mutually attracted to one another. Here's my shallow problem, I don't want people to think I'm taking advantage of her...mostly my family. (I feel like a piece of crap even saying that)
> 
> I'm going to take my time & go on a few dates before we make it too physical...although it will be hard. I just want to make sure I have feelings for her other than lust. I will have to talk to her about it some more. She is an adult and makes her own decisions. I've already warned her that I'm lusting after her right now and may not have the control that I want to have. I'm afraid of making a poor decision and her getting hurt in the process, but really she was on the dating site as a willing adult. And no one was looking out for her before...I do really like her. Just being an idiot about other peoples opinions.
> 
> Later.


Ok, if I thought you were the kind of guy who could go out and have a great time without becoming emotionally involved with someone, I would say go for it. It does not sound to me like you are that kind of guy ... and that's fine, I'm not really that kind of guy either. Listening to you it sounds like you are already sizing her up for a relationship. I don't think you are emotionally ready even if your marriage was "over" six months ago. If you have just now separated, you are not really over it ... and you won't recognize that for a while. Go have fun, see what's out there, have sex ... but unless the woman of your dreams comes into your life, you are best to hold off before getting involved with anyone. Spend some time for personal growth and figuring out what you really want before you start down that road. You have plenty of time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, I met a woman on an "adult dating" site shortly after separating. Like weeks after. She was in the same boat. We had both left marriages that were very unfulfilling sexually.

We're still together more than two years later, and the sex still rocks my world! . I've found that I'm not very good at separating sex and emotions, and they got entwined fairly quickly. So be careful on that. 

C


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

PBear, sounds like we are similar...I was talking to her again tonight and she basically told me to get over it...if she felt I was taking advantage, she would end it...she said if anything she wanted to speed things up...

I'm not there yet, but she said it isn't a big deal unless you make it one. Maybe I'm the one with the disability?

Slow & easy...if I can hold her off ;-)

Later.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> Btw, I met a woman on an "adult dating" site shortly after separating. Like weeks after. She was in the same boat. We had both left marriages that were very unfulfilling sexually.
> 
> We're still together more than two years later, and the sex still rocks my world! . I've found that I'm not very good at separating sex and emotions, and they got entwined fairly quickly. So be careful on that.
> 
> C




PBear...... did you meet her on AFF?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yup!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I think I will try dating her and see how things go. If we don't have a connection other than the sexual tension we are feeling right now, then I will have to end it before we go much farther...

It's a lot of responsibility knowing she has fallen for you, but you are not sure...hope the first kiss tells me something or it could get carried away very quickly...

Thanks for the input.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

You're only responsible for your own happiness.

Just remember it's not your job to rescue her or "make" her happy. This early on, you need to look out for number one. That does not preclude a relationship but dude, relax! I mean why so serious?


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

That's a good question...why so serious? Maybe I'm Batman... ;-)

I don't know, but I have fallen pretty damn fast for this girl. I'm going to take your advise and just relax & have fun...if it turns into something serious great, if not at least we will have a good time while it lasts...

I think it maybe comes from the shock of losing my what I thought was a life partner and I am maybe feeling stress to replace her right away..."the feeling of comfort isnt' there, so find a replacement...NOW!..." -heart talking to brain.

The other thing is that she is so damn sexy...I can't get her out of my mind. But is this the NEW GIRL attraction that has the excitement of a new toy...only time will tell and I have to give it time. So yes, watch out for number one, relax & have some fun.

Thank you for your reply.

Later.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

coldshoulder said:


> I separated from my wife two weeks ago now...we had been working on it for the last year and I thought we were making progress, but apparently she didn't and decided she was done trying.
> 
> I kept trying for a few more days, asking if she was completely sure there was no chance for us...no chance that in 6 months she would say "if you had just tried a few more times, I think it would work...", but the answer was a flat no...so I signed up for an online dating site.
> 
> ...


I get where you're coming from. Having a fun, sexy, woman affirming you and pursuing you it's intoxicating. But beware... I see a lot of red flags here that might - MIGHT - indicate real trouble.

I suspect she might have a personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder comes immediately to mind. A woman who wants to get sexual this fast might have issues. Could be fun for a while, but if she's really disorders things will go to hell whenever the switch gets flipped (and it always does with borderlines). The fact that she also has cognitive impairments could indicate a personality disorder. My STBX - who I suspect has a personality disorder - almost brought her van to a screeching halt one night and asked me to check the GPS to see if there was a railroad crossing ahead. Why? She saw flashing yellow caution lights at an intersection. That was a surreal moment for me!

I guess when I hear you talk about disjointed communications, cognitive impairment, a woman aggressively 
pursuing you and the high degree of sexual tension involved, my instinct is to tell you to run for the hills! She is trouble! The sex might be fun for a while, but this woman sounds like trouble!

Just my opinion....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I was on the phone with her for three hours last night & I don't get the feeling that there is a borderline personality disorder...the disjointed speech is her french to english, her limitations with vocabulary because of her learning disorder (got a terrible education because of how our system pushes people through) and she is very nervous. I think in the past, she has been with men that mostly use her for sex...so she associates sex with love, and everyone wants to feel loved so she wants sex a lot of the time. 

So I'm just going to take things slow & make sure I really have feelings for her past the "oh my god, I can't believe how great sex will be". I don't want to be another in the line of users in her life. She is very sweet, but naieve so I will be more cautious. I just can't take advantage of a woman that wants nothing more than to be loved just so that I can have a little fun...but with normal dating, sex does happen so I'm not going to be that nice of a guy...just not going to jump in the sack with her on the first date.

I really am a pretty nice guy & I don't want to be hurting someone else just so that I can get my rocks off. I'd feel like a piece of crap if I did. My hang up is "what will everyone else think?", and I have to get over it. In a relationship, the only opinions that count are those in it...others can pump sand.

We've already had a lunch date, but that was more of a meet & greet...I have another lunch date planned on Tuesday, but our real first date will be Wednesday. We are going dress shopping and spending about 4hrs together. I'm looking forward to being with her. If everything still feels like we are clicking at that time, then all bets are off and we can get physical.

Thank you for the feedback. Please let me know if you think I've got it wrong or missing something. I enjoy getting others opinions on my thinking...broadens my thought processes.

Later.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

coldshoulder said:


> I separated from my wife two weeks ago now...we had been working on it for the last year and I thought we were making progress, but apparently she didn't and decided she was done trying.
> 
> I kept trying for a few more days, asking if she was completely sure there was no chance for us...no chance that in 6 months she would say "if you had just tried a few more times, I think it would work...", but the answer was a flat no...so I signed up for an online dating site.
> 
> ...



Don't worry about it , haven't you noticed how scrupless women are these days yet. l'd be more worried about me if l was you.
She'll probably go off if you dump her though -maybe even turn phyco, stalking nut. Had one myself , very scary.

Ps , how the hell did you manage so many responses day one anyway ?


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Don't worry about it , haven't you noticed how scrupless women are these days yet. l'd be more worried about me if l was you.
> She'll probably go off if you dump her though -maybe even turn phyco, stalking nut. Had one myself , very scary.
> 
> Ps ,* how the hell did you manage so many responses day one anyway *?


That's what I was wondering. Maybe I'll hire him to fill out my profile when the time comes!


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I don't know...there were three booty calls, really didn't think women were like that at all??? The other three were less blunt about it, but were the same thing really...

How? Dunno...posted some pics of me & basically said I was a nice guy looking to find a friend to find new adventures with and with the possibilities of more...basically. Not the exact words, but that's the gist of it...they were all women I sent a message to that came up on my matches?? I've not contacted the other woman since, but I'm meeting the one that is willing to wait on Monday when I drive back home. ???

Is it strange to get responses? Thought it was normal...kind of a "fresh meat" kind of thing...who knows?

Maybe nice guys don't finish last anymore?

Later.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

coldshoulder said:


> I was on the phone with her for three hours last night & I don't get the feeling that there is a borderline personality disorder...the disjointed speech is her french to english, her limitations with vocabulary because of her learning disorder (got a terrible education because of how our system pushes people through) and she is very nervous. I think in the past, she has been with men that mostly use her for sex...so she associates sex with love, and everyone wants to feel loved so she wants sex a lot of the time.
> 
> So I'm just going to take things slow & make sure I really have feelings for her past the "oh my god, I can't believe how great sex will be". I don't want to be another in the line of users in her life. She is very sweet, but naieve so I will be more cautious. I just can't take advantage of a woman that wants nothing more than to be loved just so that I can have a little fun...but with normal dating, sex does happen so I'm not going to be that nice of a guy...just not going to jump in the sack with her on the first date.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you have a kind heart, BUT...!
I hear you making a lot of excuses for her.
The bottom line is that the behaviors will still be the behaviors regardless of the reasons and regardless of whether you can understand the reasons you will still have to live with the behaviors. Your brain will short-circuit it's it's in over-ride all the time when it comes to a life/intimate partner. 

The other thing is you should not care what other people think so much. If something is right, you will know it, and you will be the one not having to explain to other people and just telling them like it is.

Learn French?

And the other thing, protecting her from other guys is not a justification to date her seriously. What would she say if she knew that's what you were thinking? Probably offended!


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I think it's my nerves...I'm excited & nervous to meet her tomorrow night. It seems weird to me to be attached to someone you have only had a lunch with a couple of weeks ago...but with texting & phone conversations, the relationship is building. 

I've told her that I don't want to make any promises until we have our first kiss...it's a chemistry thing, if there is a spark (which the excitement will make anyway) then I won't care. I deserve to be happy, the same as anyone else. No matter who it is with and what others think.

You are right though, dating to protect her is no way to start a relationship...but I think I was just trying to make myself feel like a "Prince Charming" when really, I want to "kiss the girl"...yup, corny & dorky...but that's me.

We've had many phone conversations now, and I barely notice the speech thing at all now...

I guess we'll see where this goes??

Later.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

coldshoulder said:


> I don't know...there were three booty calls, really didn't think women were like that at all??? The other three were less blunt about it, but were the same thing really...
> 
> 
> @@ Afraid they're like that and worse . Animals these days they make guys look like nuns . Just read through here even at what some of them have done , mind boggling.
> ...


ps , protect you not her . Don't worry her so called disorders are probably ridden all the way to the bank and then some but - by her not the guys . 
My mates gf was supposedly a bit dumb - so all the girls use to say about her - as she just walsed through life wrapping any guy in the room around her little finger with their tongues hanging out, with ease- 
Bit dumb alright .
Good luck .


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

Maybe that's the difference...I actually prefer chubby girls, so I guess I'm not as picky...to me if they have a pretty face, nice hair and some curves (sorry...breast & butt man)...I'm okay with extra weight...that can change anyway.

Good luck & just meet some girls. Don't go in trying to find "the One" or just the hottie...sometimes the hottie you're looking for isn't the one that will stop the traffic. Some people get more attractive the more you get to know them...(yes some of them were older women, which I'm not into...gotta be picky somewhere I guess)

Later.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

Dating two months now...going well. Now I've been contacted by an old friend that saw I was not with my wife anymore on Facebook...she's apparently been wanting to approach me for a while, but I was married...now what? I've had the hots for her since I was 19 but she was with someone back then...damn this timing thing. Oh well...guess we'll see where life takes me.

By the way, my GF isn't mentally challenged in anyway...just poor education experience...got kicked out of high school for being pregnant in grade 12 and never went back. Now she bugs me about thinking she was "retarded" (her word, not mine)...she's an awesome girl!

Later.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

In your current state of mind, you may not want to admit it, but we are all so extremely vulnerable to intense emotions, you need to be absolutely sure that you could handle her breaking it off with you not the other way around.

I found myself dating someone and the feelings got strong very fast but I was so very vulnerable. At one point, we had some troubles and things got very precarious. I realized that I was in a dangerous situation for me and immediately starting working on my ability to SURVIVE a breakup.

Look out for you, you are the one in a dangerous position for your emotional and mental well-being.

Good luck and new love/lust is so very exciting and theraputic!

Stretch


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If you are seeing someone....it seems everyone thinks 'what is so great about this guy' and if you are not.....everyone thinks 'they are alone for a reason'. In my experience, dating females are like job prospects......you either hit cold walls or there are eight wanting you.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I decided to give the old flame a try...someone told me "if you don't, you'll wonder for the rest of your life"

Downfall is, I hurt a very sweet girl and I feel like an a...well you know...I wasn't expecting it to hurt so much dumping her...but I balled with her for an hour...she says she doesn't care, she will wait for me to come to my senses...she told me to go date others, I'll be back. (I'm feeling like a total pig these days)

The new GF is just as excited to have me as the old one was...I didn't realize I was such a hot item! It's like they are coming out of the wood work...must be a shortage of "nice guys", because they all say the same thing..."I've been searching for a nice guy like you since we talked last...I realized then that you were the guy, but you were taken..." WTF?? (yes there is another one...two actually...but I'm not going there...too young...both under 30 and I'm over 40...I have a limit of 10yrs difference)

Anyway, I'll keep updating my Soap Opera thread...until things settle...

Later.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

same thing happened to me.....even had my 1st love from the 80s come around. I saw it as a good time for the adult version of closure


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I'm still feeling bad about hurting the previous GF, she told me it was okay...take my time, she was done with dating... :'(

I hope she moves on.

The girl from my past has totally fallen for me too, I just don't get it...I'm not Mr GQ by any means...not that I'm complaining, since she is absolutely stunning...I guess I'm shallow to an extent, but we have really good conversations & debates over topics. That was missing with the previous girl...our conversations were very light.

I'm planning a trip to see the new GF in October (very long distance, but for a limited time...she's planning on moving to Alberta at the end of the school year...she's a teacher)

Saga to be continued...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

you have to be true to yourself

so others can too


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I turned out to be not the nice guy I thought I was...ended up sleeping with my ex girlfriend again...now I've cheated which breaks my own rule...no cheating, ever! 

Feel like a dirt bag...so I told them both about everything and said I need time to figure myself out...what I want & if I'm ready to be dating...feel more like a train wreck than anything else (both have forgiven me???)

I still don't get it...both still want me to choose them...ex GF was sobbing "Please pick me, please..."
Totally desperate, but heart wrenching non the less.

As the Stomach Churns...to be continued (I guess?)


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

Why jump so quickly into being monogamous relationships? Especially rt after a marriage? Maybe take this time to date around to see what you really want? And I don't mean in appearance.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Shoulder,

If you read, try Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce. It has some interesting insights into dating, love and sex after divorce that may help you understand why we tend to do what we do in the aftermath.

It is awesome to be desired,
Stretch


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

Well, I quit being a wimp & made a decision. I broke it off with the ex GF...had a talk for about 30mins, then explained that I had made my choice and it was the other woman...she was crying her eyes out and I said "I'm sorry. Good-bye" and hung up.

It wasn't an easy decision, but it was the right one. I feel better and less stressed having decided. I feel bad for hurting such a sweetheart again, but I couldn't stay just because of the guilt I was feeling.

She'll survive & move on. But it was a clean break, no friendship that might keep her hoping I will change my mind. This is better for us both in the long run...

Now let's hope that the soap opera that my life has become, calms and just becomes a good life again.

I am planning on going for some grief councelling for my marriage so that I can deal with that loss...I think it affected me more than I realized.

Later.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

CS What was the reason for your divorce?


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

We grew apart & she didn't feel she wanted to put the effort into fixing our relationship. We tried for about 10 months (I tried for 10 months, felt like she gave up after four), then she told me it was over. I'm not going to be the only one to be trying to fix a broken relationship.

I have moved on and have no desire to have her back, so please don't urge me to keep trying. I'm not going back...physical side of the relationship was dead from the beginning but I didn't know it (I though having sex every three to six weeks was normal...not the case)

It hurt knowing that she didn't think I was worth the effort, but I now know there are many women out there that think otherwise. I have no interest in playing the field, as many of my friends and family have urged me to do...for me, it's one at a time with full effort (not taking a woman for granted again)

The only factor that will make me want to move on is personality clash...right now our personalities are clicking, but it is still the "Honeymoon phase"...so that may change once the infatuation wears off. 

I'm happy with the way things are headed right now, so I'm going to pursue this relationship as if she is the one and only...if there are personality issues, we'll see if we can deal with them but if not...I'll move on to the next woman. I'm not getting married until I know that the personality, the excitement and the physical relationship are all in line with what I expect...I now know what I want and I'm going to find it.

Later.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

From what you indicated, it would be wise you did not 

consider going back with your ex....I never will mine

so I can relate to that emotion a great deal

It is nice you view relationships as you do

in reality, most do but will not admit it

I met a gal before D was final

we are still dating but scaled it back a notch recently

But it's nice having a drink w/ gal who enjoys watching NFL

You are taking things slow...best of luck!


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

The nice thing about this relationship is, we have to take it slow due to the distance between us...over 1800 kms (1100 miles) apart...forces us to go slow. We will have a few weekends together, and Christmas, but not too much time to rush...mostly will be texting & phone. So a good friendship should bloom, then the romantic stuff can go when we live closer together.

I'm looking forward to the process.

Later.


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