# Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years



## llINDA (Apr 13, 2012)

Help Please I need good sound advise. I have been married for 24 years. I am 50 and my husband is 66 so he is 16 years older than me. But that is not an issue for me I do Love him very much. The problem is he will not have sex with me. Not just that there is no kind of tenderness at all we sleep in different rooms, he likes sleeping alone and in fact wont let me sleep with him. No kissing no hugging nothing. I have tried sexy clothes, talking, crying, begging and pleading. 
He just says he has no interest in that kind of stuff any more, I did get him to go to the Doc for a full blood work up including male hormone and every thing was normal. 
The worst part is I had ovarian cancer and had to have my female organs removed and he did take wonderful care of me while I was sick. After that I was doubting myself and needed to know if I could still enjoy sex. I would cry and beg him just to try that I needed to know if I could still function as a women. He would not even try and now it has been 7 and half years since he has touched me 2 of those years where before cancer. So my question is this. I am so lonely in this marriage do I leave him, even after he helped me get through cancer, do I stay with him and just accept the fact I will never have tenderness or sex again? I just don't know what to do cause I do love him so much, but don't think I will ever be happy with out tenderness. Thank You for any advice that you all may have


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Could be having ED problems?

The guys nearly 70, getting it up can`t be the simple thing it once was.

This kind of stuff messes with a mans head and may be why he acts the way he does.


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## llINDA (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi ty for your answer, not sure about the ED issue, I have asked him he says he wakes up sometimes with an erection. I have also asked if he would consider taking Viagra, he will not take it, he fears it will cause heart issues. I don't expect sex very often I know lot of men well into there 70s still have sex. Not just sex I am missing but the emotional closeness and tenderness that it can bring. Before this started he would only have sex about 2 times a year.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

llINDA said:


> Hi ty for your answer, not sure about the ED issue, I have asked him he says he wakes up sometimes with an erection. I have also asked if he would consider taking Viagra, he will not take it, he fears it will cause heart issues. I don't expect sex very often I know lot of men well into there 70s still have sex. Not just sex I am missing but the emotional closeness and tenderness that it can bring. Before this started he would only have sex about 2 times a year.


I`m hoping to be one of those 70 year old men.



You`re going to have to find out what the issue is before you can fix it if you can fix it at all.

My first guess when a man acts like this is an ED issue.
We subconsciously equate our virility with our masculinity and if the penis isn`t working it can do some very strange things to our minds.

Many men simply give up on sex without telling our spouses why because of shame.

This (understandably) can drive a woman insane.

I`d do what I could to rule ED out entirely before investing any time on anything else.


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## llINDA (Apr 13, 2012)

Ty my friend for the very good advise, much appreciated.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'd ask him for a reason why he won't touch you. If he doesn't tell you one, or give you a reasonable answer I'd tell him that this has to end, and that you want him to go with you to see a sex therapist to try and get to the bottom of the matter.

Edit: Yeah looking into ED is definitely a good step. When you went to the doctor for the blood work did you ask for the blood work or for the doctor to check his sexual organs out for a reason behind the lower libido? If the later, seems like ED would have been something they would check for. I could be wrong though.


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## llINDA (Apr 13, 2012)

TY for your answer, yes he had a full check up, every thing was normal. I have told him that I dont think I can go my hole life without sex or just tenderness, He said he does love me but will never be able to love me the way that I want, He says he just quit sex like he quit bowling and once he quits something he does not go back. Just so hard to go because I do care so much about him. We have raised our kids and once where happy. The past 10 or 12 years has been hard and lonely ever since he desided he did not like sex anymore. I have asked so many times if there was something he wanted, that I was not doing, he said no. I have asked for therapy he does not believe in it and cost to much money. I am just at a loss here. I have asked and done every thing that I can think of. I did talk to a counsler my self once, she said that emotional neglect was a form of emotional abuse. But I thought I would be married all my life.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Wow, just wow. I can see why you are so conflicted, that's a terrible position he's put you in. It would be one thing if there was a medical reason why he wasn't having sex, but if it's just that he's done.... so sorry this is happening to you.

I hate to say it, but maybe a separation might give him a wake up call? Maybe you can still work things out, but something has to change. You've waited long enough (7.5 years), and you've let it be known that you want him.

In the end it's your call, it's too tough of a choice for anyone else to make for you.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I'd stay if I were you. In all honesty the relationship options, sexual and otherwise for women 50 and over are pretty slim. It's a bit easier for older men as they can often start a new relationship with a younger woman. But for older women it is much more difficult. Younger men are not interested and men in their 50's and 60's are very nervous about getting back into any kind of serious relationships because they fear women their age are just looking for financial security. This is often made worse by the man's children who fear a new wife will lessen their share of the father's assets so they pressure him to stay single and just date.

Better to try and find a sexual Buddy With Benefits you can see on the side rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater. If you have female friends your age who have recently been widowed or divorced you should sit down and have a chat with them and you will find what I say is true.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr B said:


> I'd stay if I were you. In all honesty the relationship options, sexual and otherwise for women 50 and over are pretty slim. It's a bit easier for older men as they can often start a new relationship with a younger woman. But for older women this is simply not the case. Better to try and find a sexual Buddy With Benefits you can see on the side rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater. If you have female friends your age who have recently been widowed or divorced you should sit down and have a chat with them and you will find what I say is true.


First you say that it's hard for a woman in her 50's to find a new man. Then you say for her to stay in her marriage and just have an affair. Quite a contradiction there... :scratchhead:


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Please do not stay in a marriage out of obligation. Yes, he helped you through cancer, thank God you got through it! But his complete lack of concern about your feelings is troubling. A wife should not have to beg and plead for sex or affection. Yes, he may be feeling like less of a man if his sex drive has depleted, but he is hurting you with his denial of basic affection. 

Okay, he can't bang you like a 20 year old, but would a hug and kiss really hurt him that much to do for you? He is pushing you away, but only he knows why. He is succeeding if he wants you to go away. Think about what YOU want out of life, you only get one. You survived the scariest thing in the world, now live YOUR life on your own terms. 

Your husband wants to sleep and be alone in his rocking chair with a blanket around his shoulders, that is his business. You don't have to join him in the old folks home.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

"First you say that it's hard for a woman in her 50's to find a new man. Then you say for her to stay in her marriage and just have an affair. Quite a contradiction there... "


No it is easier to find a sex buddy than a man willing to enter into any kind of serious relationship...but it is not that easy to find a sex buddy after 50 either. It is simply the better of the two choices for women in her particular circumstance. If she and her husband were constantly at each other's throats I'd advise her to leave. But if she just wants sexual intimacy she can find that, albeit with some difficulty due to her age.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds to me like ED is not his problem. 

My now exH stopped having sex with him about 5 years ago. He told me that he just could not finish any more (ED). But it’s clear that he can get it up. He also spends a lot of time online in porn sites, viewing live porn armature sex, in sex virtual worlds and on chat sites that cater to cybersex. He does this every time I am not in the house. He’s home during the day while I work and online having cybersex.

Since your husband checks out ok medically I’d bet that he has found another outlet for his sexual side. 

You say that your husband sleeps in a different room. Do you know if he’s on line in there, or on the phone with someone? Could he be going out without you during the day or at night?

What your husband is doing is downright cruel… it’s a form of spousal abuse to withhold all affection and all sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr B said:


> "First you say that it's hard for a woman in her 50's to find a new man. Then you say for her to stay in her marriage and just have an affair. Quite a contradiction there... "
> 
> 
> No it is easier to find a sex buddy than a man willing to enter into any kind of serious relationship...but it is not that easy to find a sex buddy after 50 either. It is simply the better of the two choices for women in her particular circumstance. If she and her husband were constantly at each other's throats I'd advise her to leave. But if she just wants sexual intimacy she can find that, albeit with some difficulty due to her age.


So you are advising her to stay in a emotionally abusive marriage and engage in infidelity??? Really? All because she's older and might not be able to find another man??? 

I don't think she needs a man so badly that she should continue allow herself to be emotionally abused. And infidelity is never the answer. 

It's a lot easier than you think for older gals to find guys to date and even sometimes marry. There are a lot of younger guys who will date a woman several years older than them.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I was married for five years out of which the last three and a half were totally sexless. I finally gave up and filed for divorce. I am now in a committed relationship with a woman who is as passionate about me as I am about her.

Don't let fear mongering from Mr B dissuade you from divorcing your husband and trying to find a man who desires you emotionally and physically. You would be surprised how men are looking for mature women to be their life partners and who are more than happy to be their lover.

You did not get married to adopt a brother. You got married to make your life partner, your lover for life. This man who is your husband in name only does not give a rats a$$ about your feelings as a woman, but there are other men out there who do. This lack of caring is the reason why I divorced my wife and should be the reason why you should also divorce your husband.


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## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm in a very similar situation. My husband is 15 years older than me. We have been married 30 years and our sex life has been strained for at least 25 of those years. In the last five years we have had sex four times. My husband had hormone levels drawn and they were normal. We do kiss and hug and he does get erections. But he is not interested in having sex with me. He also won't do counseling and will only say he is not interested. 

I'm also considering divorcing. It's a hard decision when the marriage is as long as mine. The emotional and financial aspects would be a nightmare but I make sufficient money to easily support myself. Like you I love my husband but he is being cruel. 

Don't listen to the naysayer. I have several unmarried friends in their fifties and older. All of them are dating and most have steady romantic partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Chaos states the truth and Mr. B gives the most piss poor advice I have ever seen in this forum. 

You have plenty of great years ahead of you! I personally like the idea of a separation to see if that may jolt him to his senses. if it does not I think you may be surprised at the options out there and the men who will find you fascinating.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Wow this is so sad on so many levels. I feel for you.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I have a friend who is 50 and in a similar situation. Her dh is suffering from ED due to diabetes and hypertension. They have used ED drugs and for the last two years they have been using a pump to help him become erect. The drugs and pump no longer work and he needs an implant. It took a lot of hard conversations but she told me she had to be honest and tell him that she could not be faithful to the marriage without some kind of sexually intimacy. She gave him some options of what they could do together since penetration is not an option but he decided no penetration meant the end of any kind of sex. 

Sometimes, some men really think women have sex for them and are happy to live without it. She had to let him know! No sexual contact is a deal breaker. You have to decide if you can live like this and if this is a deal breaker make it clear to him. Let him know you will work with him for a mutually satisfying compromise but if he wants it to be a dead issue then he is saying the marriage is not worth it. Btw, her dh has decided to get a penile implant.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous had some links to good books on how couples could have a good sex life without intercourse. You may want to consider PM her.


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## Westcoastman (Apr 14, 2012)

llINDA said:


> Help Please I need good sound advise. I have been married for 24 years. I am 50 and my husband is 66 so he is 16 years older than me. But that is not an issue for me I do Love him very much. The problem is he will not have sex with me. Not just that there is no kind of tenderness at all we sleep in different rooms, he likes sleeping alone and in fact wont let me sleep with him. No kissing no hugging nothing. I have tried sexy clothes, talking, crying, begging and pleading.
> He just says he has no interest in that kind of stuff any more, I did get him to go to the Doc for a full blood work up including male hormone and every thing was normal.
> The worst part is I had ovarian cancer and had to have my female organs removed and he did take wonderful care of me while I was sick. After that I was doubting myself and needed to know if I could still enjoy sex. I would cry and beg him just to try that I needed to know if I could still function as a women. He would not even try and now it has been 7 and half years since he has touched me 2 of those years where before cancer. So my question is this. I am so lonely in this marriage do I leave him, even after he helped me get through cancer, do I stay with him and just accept the fact I will never have tenderness or sex again? I just don't know what to do cause I do love him so much, but don't think I will ever be happy with out tenderness. Thank You for any advice that you all may have


I'd say this is one time when it would be okay for you to seek sex outside of your marriage. I see no harm given what you have shared. Don't tell him; be safe and discreet.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Westcoastman said:


> I'd say this is one time when it would be okay for you to seek sex outside of your marriage. I see no harm given what you have shared. Don't tell him; be safe and discreet.


No, No, No. She doesn't want sex to have sex; she wants sex with her husband! She needs to have a sit down talk with him and figure out why he has disconnected from her. There are lots of things they could be doing to express their love even if he has ED. Cheating is never, never the answer.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> *No, No, No. She doesn't want sex to have sex; she wants sex with her husband!* She needs to have a sit down talk with him and figure out why he has disconnected from her. There are lots of things they could be doing to express their love even if he has ED. Cheating is never, never the answer.


:iagree:

And the euphoric ecstasy before, during and after that can only be experienced with the person you love and loves you.


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