# No one understands me



## abcxyz (Jul 27, 2011)

My husband and I were married a couple years ago. soon after, my husband quit his career of 12 years to be able to be home with my (now our) kids (of previous marriage - now 8 and 5). He was very frustrated at his job and wanted to set up his business. The thought process was that he would work from home and we would have a parent at home with the kids. 

Now, over a year into it, the business is still slow and he complains that he doesn't have enough time for the business because of the kids. We have also bought another house in the meantime to get out of the house where he had lived with his ex (distasteful memories). Financial stress is building. 

On top of that he is not very careful with spending. Since the beginning of this year, he has bought a mantle clock 300 dollars, guitar 460 dollars, 1,000 dollars in upgrades for his vehicle. I don't think, given our financial situation, he should have spent this money. He has a whole list of things he still wants - watch 300 dollars, tattoos 300 dollars, new tires for his motorcycle 300 dollars. I, on the other hand, am a very frugal person. I shop for clothes as thrift stores for myself and the kids. I prefer to save my money. I have tightened the checkbook now and I am made to be the bad guy. 

I told him the stress is killing me and he should get a job to which he is quick to replied that he has been out of the job market so he won't find one. I say he needs to try before saying he won't find one. 

We have many personality differences, thinking differences, to name a few. I pull my hair with him sometimes. He is also very defensive with me. I am very particular about my finances and my way of doing things works. His way has proven to NOT work. His ex wife charged up his credit cards that I paid off for him with my savings. Lot of those charges were his too...but he conveniently leaves that out. He still has her name of some of his accounts and doesn't take the time to take her name off. 

I repeatedly tell him to correct his ways. When he doesn't respond, I break down and throw a fit because I am hurt, and all of a sudden I am this bad person who gets mad at him. I hate it!

My Dad tells me I should not push him too hard. I should just put up with it. I feel that no one understands me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

How would he have time to get a job when he's said he doesn't have enough time as it is to dedicate to the business because of the kids? Is there a way you can both work out a schedule so he has more time for the business - maybe it means him starting early in the morning or some evening?

As for financial responsibility, if I was in your shoes I'd try to calmly discuss my anxiety about his irresponsible spending. I assume it's not that he's bought these items, it's that he's bought them without consideration to other priorities? Would you be open to helping him work out how he can afford to buy the next things on his 'want' list? Basically, help him learn how to budget and save? Perhaps he should be in charge of bills etc for a while to learn the value of these things.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I understand you, my husband was laid off from his full time job and took his sweet time for two years looking for another one (he didn't look.) He worked part time and really didn't care if it was enough. Anyhooo, thank God we are past that, but I had to fill out the app and kick his butt out the house to the interview for his current fulltime job. MEN!!! I understand how he doesn't have time for the business because of taking care of the kids. I have a part time business from home, and its difficult with a screaming child in the background to make a phone call or to use the computer when they are constantly tugging on the mouse or pressing the power switch. Really watching the kids is a full time in itself. I agree with maybe letting him handle the budget for a while. I know that would be tough for me because I'm personally afraid my husband will mess us up for a while and I'd be even more stress. Still, this may be necessary for him to learn. I also communicate with my husband as to when we would be able to buy things he's interested in when we discuss the budget. He has a weekly spending allowance (per his request.) And he is normally responsible for buying is "favorite things" with this money. Do you have spending budget for yourself. Kind of like you Dad said, you really can't push him too hard because he will be all the more defensive and more resistant to change. Honestly, I would do what I can to make myself happy for now. Make sure you are taking care of you (pampering, shopping, hanging out with friends, whatever makes you happy.) This way you can take your mind of this stress a bit, not think about it too much, and you can take things in stride until he changes. But at the same time, you'll be happy with yourself. You can't be upset all the time because another person won't change.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

abcxyz said:


> I told him the stress is killing me and he should get a job to which he is quick to replied that he has been out of the job market so he won't find one. I say he needs to try before saying he won't find one.
> 
> .


My husband says the same thing. And you know what, I am not the one stressed by the finances, he is... but yet he doesn't want to do what he can about it (get a job).


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