# Departing Speech??



## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

H is leaving tomorrow to live on his own. Apparently there is no way according to him that he will live with O/W as he needs to sort his head out and his depression. (She is still living with BF).

I am leaving the house for a long weekend away at 4.15am tomorrow morning, he doesn’t know this.

Can you give me some idea what I can say to him before I go to bed this evening? 

Should I say “I won’t be here when you wake in the morning, so all the best?”


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why do you feel the need to say anything?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

"Goodnight"?

As Jasel said, why say anything to him? He's "sorting his head out" (weak) and galloping off into his own sunset. I wouldn't say a f'ng thing.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Should I just leave and say nothing? If he hears me going out the door and asks where I am off too what should I say.

He isn't even telling me the address of where he is moving too.

I so confused! 11 years together.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

If he asks, tell him it's none of his business.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Jax67 said:


> Should I just leave and say nothing? If he hears me going out the door and asks where I am off too what should I say.
> 
> He isn't even telling me the address of where he is moving too.
> 
> I so confused! 11 years together.


none of your business! then smile and go.

make sure you leave your underware drawer open with all the good ones missing.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> Should I just leave and say nothing?


Exactly.



> If he hears me going out the door and asks where I am off too what should I say.


Don't say anything. Or at most "Out" and leave it at that.



> He isn't even telling me the address of where he is moving too.


Which goes back to my original question, if that's the case why do _you _feel the need to tell _him _anything?



> I so confused! 11 years together.


Sorry to hear that. But you're in good company here.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Tell him your having a fun weekend away with you GFs!!

Seriously he doesn't need or deserve an explanation. It's 180 time!
Be strong, I know it's going to be hard, I've been there. Just make sure you look fabulous and smile as your going out the door.
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Jax67 said:


> I so confused! 11 years together.


Totally understood. Remember though, it was _his_ idea that he needed to go "sort things out" or whatever. The 11 years is tough...I'm in year 13 and in reconciliation with my wife who had a five year long affair. Confused is normal! Take care of YOU right now. If he wakes up and asks where you're going, just say you're going out and he doesn't need to worry.

I'm really feeling for ya. This crap ain't easy.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

It's so hard when it finally happens, that's why I am going away. I should appear confident shouldn't I?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Well try your best to feel confident. But if he asks where you are going just tell him. You are leaving without telling me where you are going so guess what I do not feel I need to tell you anything. Bye

Good Luck


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

When he asks you where you're going, just say - "I've got some business to take care of".


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Jax67 said:


> It's so hard when it finally happens, that's why I am going away. *I should appear confident shouldn't I?*


Yes. As difficult as it is going to be, you need to appear confident even if you aren't. The old saying "you gotta fake it to make it" would apply here. If you truly want him to come around, you have to be willing to walk away. This is on him and you need to take care of you at this point. 

Again, I totally understand we're talking about 11 years. That's a long time. I hope all goes well for you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I met with a pastor the other day. He is in the same denomination as my oldest BIL and my oldest BIL has been asking me to meet with this guy and I did. Went to his church on Sunday, talked with him and then met with him the other day.


He said it was time to D my WS, that I have been too easy on her over the years.

I wrote, "Dear ********, I love you and always have. You were the sunrise and sunset in my life. I have sought godly counsel, prayed for you, and rededicated my life to Christ. I hope that you seek Christ in your life. When it was suggested to me that I file for D, I found peace. Because I love you I am filing for D. In this most difficult time I still love you. In Christ. Love, Mac"

I gave her that letter last night.

The pastor said write it down so she can have it to ponder. My oldest BIL said it was short and right to the point and it showed my heart.

The pastor also said in his three point plan for me to follow through with D.

Almost 30 years with my WS and she was the sunshine in my life.

There is no sunshine right now and I am not confident on my own but I am determined that through God's grace I will overcome.

Show resolve.

This to shall pass.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Thanks Guys, It's wierd, although I know he must go and it is for the best, but when he told me last week he was going Friday, it has been really hard waiting for the day to come. I'ts been like waiting for the funeral after the death!!!


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

i'd tell him you were going to "sort things out".
that, or "bye".


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

If you can't think of anything to say, just recite the Gettysburg address. Maybe throw on a black tophat and a fake beard for good measure.

He'll walk out the door very confused.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

THis is a crap business isn't it!!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I would say "I'll let you know if and when I sort it out"


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Tell him you are going to have breakfast at a nice little place you know, and that afterward you are going to see a lawyer to sort out your future. Or tell him to go with you if he wants to find out, take him out to the middle of no where and leave him there in his boxers.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I wouldn't wait to start purging the house of "couple" mementoes as pictures in the wall, etc. Let him go with the clear sense you are moving on by burying the dead corpse of the relationship.
If he leave stuff there next time he come to get it the house should be the one of a single, free woman.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

If he won't tell you where he is going....then why should you tell him anything? He has no right to ask.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

To be honest I would have preferred you tell us you kicked him out, but sometimes we just cannot do this. So now be strong, in control and realistic for yourself. He does not care for you and he is not sharing anything with you so why should you. 

If you have given your all then there's nothing else to do or say. Lift your head up high and keep on walking, in my language there is a saying that goes - "what may be trash for someone is a treasure for another one". Treat yourself with respect and pride, it is not easy but you will see that one day at a time you will heal and this shall also pass. Now is the time to care for YOU and only YOU. 

While you spend time thinking on what to tell him, he probably is thinking on how he will continue to meet and be with his A. Get a hobby, makeover, friends, sports and when your head betrays you and starts thinking about him, go and do something for you. No one is more important than you right now (unless you have children then they shoudl be your energy and your reason to understand that he chose not to be in your life).


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Tell him good riddance to bad rubbish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

The words you don't say are more powerful than anything you can say. Just think of the gears turning in his head.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: Departing Speech?? - One week on!!*

H has been gone for a week, moved into a rented apartment ‘on his own’ to work out what the hell he is doing. Contact has only come from him by text message, 3 of them, the usual how are you? I’ve not initiated any texts with him and have only responded to his with short and polite answers.

The trouble is and I know it’s to be expected, but I am really missing him and feel really down about all this. I don’t see how he can throw 11 years away and wondered whether he will be thinking about us and missing me now that we are living apart; I know its early days?

I am keeping busy as much as I can, but I will not let him know that of course. This sucks.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Don't respond to Text messages that are about you and your health. Only respond it it is about business. He has checked out and still uses you for the Emotional Support by the Text Message, How are you?. When you respond you are still telling him you are there when he finally makes a decision.

Is that what you want to be "The Fallback Plan"?

Know it is tough but you have to be strong. If you are looking to "R" you need to send the message, by not replying to open questions texts, that you are ready to move on. Otherwise, he will not make the decision if he knows you are sitting there waiting for him.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I hear what you are saying and I know it’s the way to go. I will only respond to the business side of things only in future. Although I did end my text saying that I was glad it was Friday and that I am looking forward to the weekend.

I’ve just got one of those days on where I want to cry and scream I feel so hurt. Since he has moved out I almost feel like I did when I first found out about the A 5 months ago.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Jax67 said:


> I hear what you are saying and I know it’s the way to go. I will only respond to the business side of things only in future. Although I did end my text saying that I was glad it was Friday and that I am looking forward to the weekend.
> 
> I’ve just got one of those days on where I want to cry and scream I feel so hurt. Since he has moved out I almost feel like I did when I first found out about the A 5 months ago.


Ive been in your place a few times... it is very difficult! You love this person and them not being there you dont know what they are doing or if they are thinking about you at all. It sucks alot! You cant just turn off what you feel for him. But what you can do is be absent from his life so that he does miss you. If you are like me you felt like if you didnt answer him he would forget about you faster. The old saying Absence makes the heart grow fonder, maybe true but you wont know for a while. Be as absent as you can be and when you feel sad, call a friend or go for a walk or so something for YOU! I say it, and it sounds easy but I know its not...its horrible. The more you fight the urges now the bigger the payoff, whether for you or for you and him!


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Thank you for your response. Its crazy isn’t it, because if someone were to ask me what they should do in a situation like this I would have the answers and it’s obvious that everything you mention is the right way to go, it’s just when it is yourself it is not so easy. I don’t believe he can just switch me off after 11 years.

I know he’s not in a good place with depression at the moment otherwise I would feel different about this all, so he’s not his normal in control self. He really is confused and doesn’t know what he wants. He’s been in this affair for just over a year, he never left to be with her when I found out 5 months ago and although he has moved out he is living on his own, so he clearly isn’t sure or certain about this O/W wouldn’t you say? 

As hard as it is, I will NOT contact him and I WILL lay low.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Jax67 said:


> Thank you for your response. Its crazy isn’t it, because if someone were to ask me what they should do in a situation like this I would have the answers and it’s obvious that everything you mention is the right way to go, it’s just when it is yourself it is not so easy. I don’t believe he can just switch me off after 11 years.
> 
> I know he’s not in a good place with depression at the moment otherwise I would feel different about this all, so he’s not his normal in control self. He really is confused and doesn’t know what he wants. He’s been in this affair for just over a year, he never left to be with her when I found out 5 months ago and although he has moved out he is living on his own, so he clearly isn’t sure or certain about this O/W wouldn’t you say?
> 
> As hard as it is, I will NOT contact him and I WILL lay low.


He may not be certain but you can better believe that having his own place isnt going to lessen their communication. He is more free now to explore her and the possibilities. My WH left me for 17 mos and lived with his friend. He would call and text me all the time, come over, etc. I thought he was confused and loved me still , and maybe he was BUT he was also playing her like a fiddle the whole time.

Is he on depression medication? Is he seeing an IC? My WH thought medication was weak, he went to IC after I started going but only went a few times. He couldnt handle it so he stopped. He got a prescription for Wellbutrin and wouldnt take it long enough to know if it made him feel better. 

The truth is that you cant fix them..they have to fix themselves. You have to take care of you because if you dont, noone else will! 

Typing all of this is hard because it reminds me of where I was and I know exactly where you are! Im sorry!


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I so agree and I know that it won’t lessen their communication; at least one thing I don’t have to tolerate is him sneaking around texting her behind my back! He is now freer to explore her and possibilities, but perhaps this is the only way for him to realise and see what a controlling person she is, once he starts to wake up out of his depression and fog. If he doesn’t work it now then it would be awful “IF” we were to R that he would be left wondering what she was like (I’m not sure I that I would be there for him). 

My brother was in the same situation about 10 years ago, having the affair, depression and MLC. Although him and his wife did R, he is still wonders what it may have been like with her, although he does admit it would probably have been a massive mistake.

H is on depression medication and has been for the last 2 months; he is also seeing a top psychiatrist who he finds very good to talk to. H said that the psychiatrist agreed that he should move out to evaluate things, which is what he said any way. You are right, you can’t fix them, and they can only fix themselves. The Dr said to H that the affair is a part of self medicating and won’t solve his problem.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I am not a fan of waiting around for a cheater to leave. He cannot be trusted with your future. And i was married foe 13 yrs before i left. My view is, if all those yrs did not matter to ger, then i will not allow them to keep me in limbo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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