# day one of separation



## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

A bit of back story. we have been together for about 6 years, married for 2. He started having an affair about a month ago, and i knew about it from the beginning (he is not at all subtle). I was stupidly still trying to make it work somehow. Last night he finally told me that he is choosing her.  I just cannot believe he is throwing away our life together for someone he has known less than three months. I left, but I really do not know what else to do. I just keep crying. I dreamed about us last night, it was brutally painful, and makes me not want to sleep again. alternately, I am so emotionally exhausted from all of the crying, and physically exhausted from not eating... 
how do I cope with my future dying before my eyes, all of our plans and dreams are so much smoke now?


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I absolutely feel your pain. Many here do.

It's very hard to see right now and some days I don't but..... Your future actually is getting brighter, not dimmer. You aren't wasting time with some rotten selfish narcissistic person that doesn't love you as much as they love themselves.

Get an attorney, stay in your house if you have one, look up Divorce 180, stay strong, get your finances in order.

If you are going to file, do it.

No one will ever explain to me the mind of the walkaway spouses when they have great partners but we don't control others, only ourselves.

Lots of help will come to you here.

DON'T BEG, PLEAD, or DISSUADE. Be happy, matter of fact, semi unresponsive and move forward like your best days are coming. They ARE.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Well first thing, You will need to accept it. There is nothing you can do about what HE chooses to do. You can only control what YOU are going to do. Yes your plans and dreams will have to change, its not up in smoke it's just altered. Just know its not the end of the world.

It may feel like that right now, you will cry and scream and feel like you are going crazy... and you kind of are going crazy, but when the smoke clears You will start to say to yourself.. like wtf was i thinking?

If he is going to come back, he will. You have to be secure enough with yourself and strong enough and prepare yourself.

Whatever you are thinking about yourself.. don't indulge in those neagtive thoughts. Vent what you are feeling. Im sure there is more to your story but the people here will give you tons of advice and I say this.. please take the advice you get here it will help you tremendously!

Look into something called the 180 and dont contact your husband. he is where he feels he needs to be.

For your own sake and sanity and peace of mind replace the thoughts of him with something.. anything that will keep your mind off of it. Work out.. do stuff you wouldnt have thought about doing.
He made a choice and you have the option to choose as well.
You can focus on saving yourself or you can focus on what went wrong in your marriage.

Just know you took the first step.. You left, and you looked for help

He bailed on you and and your life together! You deserve more and only YOU can stop that pain.

if he came back right this second you would be weak and willing to accept anything he had to offer. dont sell yourself short.

Vent it out sister. Your future is not gone.. its different and you can make it whatever you want it to be. Keep coming back and reading and discover yourself. You are a lot stronger than you think you are.

Im sorry you are here.

Thinking of you xoxo


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you for the advice. I read the 180 thing, there are some sound ideas in there. Given that I have already moved out, I can't really hope that he notices. But it seems like things that will eventually improve my own happiness.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

These type of stories make me very sad. I hate when spouses step out on there marriage. I'm sorry your going through this, but I'm here anytime if you need to vent. It's all about support at this point. There are some great propel on this site that will give you excellent advice. Use it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why did you move out?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The 180 is for you and your healing

try seeing it this way, could you ever trust him again?

fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

be glad you found out now rather than fifteen years later

three kids and financially strapped

get a new outfit, get your hair done, nails done

meet with a few friends....escape the darkness

you feel surrounds you....in time, it will fade

but it will fade quicker if you want out of the darkness

if you have to converse with him be 

calm, firm, dispassionate


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I moved out because he had spent the night with her in my bed. I couldn't deal with that happening again. Also because it was a rented apartment, not something I owned. He had just paid the rent, so I wouldn't have been able to get him to leave. And I couldn't deal with watching them any more, or have her in my bed again.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Your future is NOT gone!

Do you know something we don't know? Are you dying of a terminal illness? Are you paralyzed from the neck down? Are you in need of an organ transplant?

How old are you? You have your whole life ahead of you! Even if you never have another serious relationship again you should be grateful that you are alive.

I bet you have so much to be thankful for. Why let some a$$clown get you down making you think you're not worthy.

Really? He just did you a BIG favor. Think about it.

Read everything on TAM. 180. NC. Don't waste your time thinking about him. Focus on you. Give it time. Expect backsliding. One day you will be back in the light.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

myfutureisgone said:


> I moved out because he had spent the night with her in my bed. I couldn't deal with that happening again. Also because it was a rented apartment, not something I owned. He had just paid the rent, so I wouldn't have been able to get him to leave. And I couldn't deal with watching them any more, or have her in my bed again.


if I'm not mistaken, most females find a H doing it with 

another woman in the marital bed the highest form of dishonor

in a M money is shared, his $ and her $, doesn't fly

I hope you're in IC..... and ignore any attempts of

him to R. him banging OW in marital bed is like you

bonking his best man from the wedding


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Here is your future, go get it!

The Healing Heart: The 180

Most of us here used this technique to heal, become the person we want to be and move positively into the future.

You will quickly realize that you are the ultimate winner in this and the WAS and POSOW are doomed to misery.

Be strong, focus on yourself,
Stretch


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

We were sharing money, but not a bank account. we had certain things coming out of his account, like rent, and others coming out of mine. as soon as it was for sure over, I had to stop thinking about it as our money... I am sure he did as soon as he started taking her out and spending money on her. 
I know that after this initial darkness passes I will be able to think about my future without him. But now all I can see is the savings for our house, that we will never own. The children we will never have... that future, the one I have been working towards for the last 6 years, is gone. 
I have maintained zero contact since reading that 180 thing... almost 24 hours now, heh. But we still have to meet up to finish separating a few financial obligations, and decide what to do with our pets. It is hard not to chase him down to finish this up, so that I can stop worrying and wondering about those last details.
I am staying with friends who live very close to him, and it is terribly hard not to knock on his door and throw myself weeping into his arms. he has been the one to comfort me for so many years. I am so used to telling him every little thing that happens to me, as it happens...


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

Well that was quick,
He moved her in yesterday. I don't even know who this man is, but he is no longer the man I married. In a way that made it a little easier for me. I am back to outraged, instead of being sad and missing what I had. I am still struggling with not contacting him. But all I want to talk to him about is a separation contract. I am still going to give it a few more days before I try to make contact for that.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

have you contacted a lawyer or are you doing a DIY divorce


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I would prefer DIY divorce. But if he won't sit down with me to do this, I will have to retain a lawyer. 
Truth be told, even after all he has done... I would really still prefer no divorce at all. But this is not my choice. Which is why I do not understand why he won't help me get this mess over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

if you hire a lawyer, have them call him

that's why they are paid mega bucks

I know it hurts, mine did.... but you owe it to yourself

this guy has cheated, defecated your marital bed

if he is allowed to do this and you take him back

you not only gave him a green light to cheat

you become a co-conspirator in it as well


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I know. I keep telling myself that taking him back would be accepting this behaviour. Telling myself that I am not interested in spending the rest of my life like I spent the last month. 
I do not think this is really an issue. I cannot imagine him wanting to reconcile. By the time his new relationship has lost it's shine, I plan to be gone. If he ever finds me, I can only hope I will be stronger than I am right now. I'm working on it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

a woman who would take a married man in his marital bed

shows her character, or lack thereof

their relationship will fizzle out like a bad fart


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I just want to thank everyone for the good advice. Yesterday was the first day since this happened that I was smiling and laughing freely, I wasn't forcing it or faking. I didn't even cry yesterday. I think it has a great deal to do with the 180 list. I know that there will be good days and bad, but it was the first good day, and I wanted to share. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

one day at a time


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I have been offered the opportunity to run away to an other country for a while. I think I have to get things settled here first. At the very least get a home, I have been staying with friends and am still technically homeless. I am wondering what complications I can expect if I were to move out of province before finalizing the D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

lawyer you hired isn't moving

lawyer has access to phone, email, fax

getting away may be a good thing


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I totally backtracked. Yesterday I finished the draft of the separation agreement and sent it to him. He used it to initiate contact, and we ended up texting all day. I tried to steer clear of personal topics and emotions. I tried to focus the conversation on what we need to get done to have this over with. He was letting his guilt speak, saying things like that I deserve better... to which I whole heartedly agreed. I thought I was doing ok, aside from actually replying. 
Today he drove by me and offered to give me a ride, and a chance to see our pets. I could not pass up the chance to see my fur-babies, so I accepted. Stupid stupid stupid. We ended up talking for about an hour, again I tried to keep it productive. I was smiling and laughing... I guess he could tell I wasn't really feeling it. We both ended up crying. I told him that I know he feels guilty, but he made his choice and he should go be happy. That I am taking care of myself and my happiness has nothing to do with him anymore. And that I am moving soon, so we have to get this finished right away
He said he never wanted to end contact, because I am his best friend. That he can't talk to OW the way he can talk to me. I told him that is sad, but I need to move on. That I am not plan B. I told him to take care not to f*** up his life again, because I won't be there to fix it again.
God he knows how to pull my strings. All I wanted to do when he hugged me, was cling and promise that he would always have me. That he could come back whenever he wanted... so pathetic. Every tear he shed, I wanted to brush them away and kiss him till he was happy again. I have always wanted to take care of him. 
Deep down I know this is just his guilt. He made his choice. But I feel like I did a week ago, wondering if maybe there is still a chance. Wondering if I could be plan B. Just wait for the OW to leave him, and have my marriage back. I know that is so self destructive. I know I deserve better. I have to keep moving forward, I have to get away from here, away from the temptation of hope...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

This is not like following instructions to setup a computer.

These situations are highly volatile, emotionally charged and often confusing. A little setback is to be expected.

You sound like you know what has to happen. Get back with the program. So many of us end up holding all the cards when the WAS wants to come back and the betrayed have healed, grown and have decided to move on.

You are doing great, be strong,
Stretch


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

Today was the first family event at my inlaws that I wasn't there for in 6 years. My stbx took his gf. OI know they are his family, but they are the only family I have here, amd it is really painful to give them up. To think of my WAS and the OW taking that away from me...
I found a new house, amd am moving again soon. I am teying to focus on how I won't be homeless anymore. It has just been a hard day. 
How do I not think about this? How do I get past the idea that he has stolen this all from me and is handing it to someone he has known for 5 minutes? 
Just feels like I am swimming in circles through the darkness, wearing a brave mask for the world. Faking my smiles, and breaking down in private...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

We all have to fake it 'til we make it. It will help. And your friends know you are putting on that mask too and it only endears you to them.


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## turnedupsidedown (Mar 10, 2014)

Sorry future. While I don't have any answers, I can tell you that you are not alone. I am going through something similar with WW. Sucks and even while I'm doing this 180 as best I can (we have a kid together). I still feel like I can't let go of the hope that she wakes up and becomes the person I want. It's tough, but we will be ok eventually I believe
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

That hope feels so toxic, I feel like I could heal so much faster without it. Every time someone reminds me that this is his pattern, that he will try to come back when they are finished with eachother... that toxic hope flares a little. Because he has done this before. Before we were married, when we were both much younger. And he did come back. And it took years for me to trust him again, and more years for him to convince me to marry him. 
What I really don't understand is, why spend years and years rebuilding trust and asking someone over and over to marry you just to throw them away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Had you saved up much money together? Will you be able to get a fair settlement?

What country are you in? Does infidelity affect divorce?

Don't take the furry babies back. Let POSOW clean up their doo, she will hate it. She will probably push him to get rid of them. He will feel guilty about that, too.


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

Thankfully we never combined bank accounts. We yreated all money as ours, but nothing had both of our names on it. So the savings in my accounts stay mine. Where I live, you have to be seperated for a year before you divorce (canada). But we already created a separation contract that says my money is mine, my debt is mine, his is his blah blah blah. I have been leaving emotions out of it and trying to make this as clean and low drama as possible. Mpre for my own mental and emotional health than anything. I spoke with a lawyer who confirmed that I could make this very expensive for him given the infidelity, and my subsequent homelessness. But that was never plan a.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Don't take the furry babies back. Let POSOW clean up their doo, she will hate it. She will probably push him to get rid of them. He will feel guilty about that, too.


I did not take them, as much as I love and miss them. It wasn't because I hoped she wouldn't love them, because I want them to be loved. Though I have heard that they hate her, and I admit that makes me smile. I left them because I had no home to take them to.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

myfutureisgone said:


> Today was the first family event at my inlaws that I wasn't there for in 6 years. My stbx took his gf. OI know they are his family, but they are the only family I have here, amd it is really painful to give them up. To think of my WAS and the OW taking that away from me...
> I found a new house, amd am moving again soon. I am teying to focus on how I won't be homeless anymore. It has just been a hard day.
> How do I not think about this? How do I get past the idea that he has stolen this all from me and is handing it to someone he has known for 5 minutes?
> Just feels like I am swimming in circles through the darkness, wearing a brave mask for the world. Faking my smiles, and breaking down in private...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel your pain. I found out my WAW of 28 years, brought the POSOM to her sisters house. My sister in law was originally so upset over my wife's A. But now she leaves a message, oh we love him so much he's so,great blah blah, 

But then calls and invites me for the holidays, plus I found out that all they talked about is what a terrible husband I was while he sat there and smirked. At least my sensible brother in law could see through his facade..

The worst part my wife gave her an expensive necklace from Israel that she bought with my credit card but the POS was thanked for it.

Now that I won't be there for the holiday I can just imagine what's going to be said about me...! And how they are going to boost up the man who stole a married woman from her CHILDREN!

So I understand your pain. It is so hard to escape. How about when my wife is so wrapped up in saying that she does not want to go through life with a Scarlet letter on her back especially at my sons college graduation, but she tells everyone she meets that I am emotionally abusive and ruined her last 28 years!!

WE JUST HAVE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT. ITS THE WAY IT IS...


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

Just moved into my own place. I was excited all day, but now that I have finished moving, and am too tired to keep unpacking... the depression is sinking in. I am going to be completely alone here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

SteveK said:


> I feel your pain. I found out my WAW of 28 years, brought the POSOM to her sisters house. My sister in law was originally so upset over my wife's A. But now she leaves a message, oh we love him so much he's so,great blah blah,
> 
> But then calls and invites me for the holidays, plus I found out that all they talked about is what a terrible husband I was while he sat there and smirked. At least my sensible brother in law could see through his facade..


Thank heavens my inlaws haven't been telling me how great she is. And they have been making an effort to still see me, amd invote me to family events. My mother-in-law has asked me to be a bridesmaid at her upcoming wedding. How I am going to be able to celebrate with my stbx there... I have no idea. But I will try, for my amazing MIL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

myfutureisgone said:


> Just moved into my own place. I was excited all day, but now that I have finished moving, and am too tired to keep unpacking... the depression is sinking in. I am going to be completely alone here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You see it's sad. I am lonely even though I have my son. We are in a 4000 square foot house by ourselves.

Meanwhile she wants an in home separation because she's crying about being alone.

The worst is throughout our marriage I could never get her to stay up late. It was so annoying...she would for work etc. 
A lot of it was all the intensive exercise. But now that she's hiding in hotels with her POSOM she seems to be up past 11:30 even on work nights.
This is when she usually contacts me, or my kids because the POS does not want contact.

Now I knew today she would be in Manhattan visiting his friends all day. So I just got a text at 11:30 about my son. I texted her back and no response. Why.? Either he sees her or she fell asleep or the mind movies kill me.

This,is what happens, you just,wonder what they are up to more and more.

I just hope her POS drops dead.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

SteveK said:


> You see it's sad. I am lonely even though I have my son. We are in a 4000 square foot house by ourselves.
> 
> Meanwhile she wants an in home separation because she's crying about being alone.
> 
> ...


I know it hurts and sucks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I honestly don't wonder what my STBX and OW are up to. Not being able to hear it is one of the main reasons that I moved. 
I hope your POS drops too. Sounds like a real piece of work. Your WAW sounds charming as well. The mind games are unreal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

myfutureisgone said:


> I honestly don't wonder what my STBX and OW are up to. Not being able to hear it is one of the main reasons that I moved.
> I hope your POS drops too. Sounds like a real piece of work. Your WAW sounds charming as well. The mind games are unreal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How is that working for you? Moving out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

It's my first night in my mew place. I miss him more than ever right now. And am fighting texting him. The only thing keeping me from it is knowing she is there. She lives in what was our home. It's lonely. But it is peaceful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

myfutureisgone said:


> It's my first night in my mew place. I miss him more than ever right now. And am fighting texting him. The only thing keeping me from it is knowing she is there. She lives in what was our home. It's lonely. But it is peaceful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm fighting the same urge, but I know she doesn't love me anymore, what's the point. So tonight I'm staying in a hotel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

RSFWID said:


> I'm fighting the same urge, but I know she doesn't love me anymore, what's the point. So tonight I'm staying in a hotel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know I shouldn't be thinking about her, especially when I'm fighting for my health but I just feel horrible that it has come to this. I've never cheated on my W but I was dishonest on plenty occasions, and the reason I think I'm hurting so much is because I know I'm better than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

RSFWID said:


> I'm fighting the same urge, but I know she doesn't love me anymore, what's the point. So tonight I'm staying in a hotel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That sucks. I am not sure if that would be worse than the "I miss you like crazy, and want you in my life" bs that I was getting before I went NC. I judge his actions to say that he does not in fact love me. But when I said as much to him a month ago, he said that my inability to believe how much he cares about me is one of the reasons that we don't work... no... we Don't work because you f**ked your skank in my bed! Because you decided that little homewrecker was worth more to you than the woman who stood by you through all the bad times, who supported you through years of unemployment and injuries. Grrr. 
Why do I want that back? Why am I not happier without that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

myfutureisgone said:


> That sucks. I am not sure if that would be worse than the "I miss you like crazy, and want you in my life" bs that I was getting before I went NC. I judge his actions to say that he does not in fact love me. But when I said as much to him a month ago, he said that my inability to believe how much he cares about me is one of the reasons that we don't work... no... we Don't work because you f**ked your skank in my bed! Because you decided that little homewrecker was worth more to you than the woman who stood by you through all the bad times, who supported you through years of unemployment and injuries. Grrr.
> Why do I want that back? Why am I not happier without that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly I don't know. I'm not perfect, but I do I would never cheat on my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

myfutureisgone said:


> That sucks. I am not sure if that would be worse than the "I miss you like crazy, and want you in my life" bs that I was getting before I went NC. I judge his actions to say that he does not in fact love me. But when I said as much to him a month ago, he said that my inability to believe how much he cares about me is one of the reasons that we don't work... no... we Don't work because you f**ked your skank in my bed! Because you decided that little homewrecker was worth more to you than the woman who stood by you through all the bad times, who supported you through years of unemployment and injuries. Grrr.
> Why do I want that back? Why am I not happier without that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At least you don't have to be around it. Good for you for having the guts to move on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

RSFWID said:


> At least you don't have to be around it. Good for you for having the guts to move on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. I didn't think of it as having guts. I just didn't see any other choice. I have no family here, and can't expect my friends to save me if I fall on my face. I hit my knees, and had a few good friends grab my hands and help me up, now I can only trudge onwards.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

myfutureisgone said:


> Thanks. I didn't think of it as having guts. I just didn't see any other choice. I have no family here, and can't expect my friends to save me if I fall on my face. I hit my knees, and had a few good friends grab my hands and help me up, now I can only trudge onwards.


I totally get it. You have to do what's in the best interest for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

well F****!! I just stumbled across a bunch of pics of my STBX and I camping last summer. I look so in love and happy... all I can think about for the last hour is how I will never have that again.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Sorry.... it will happen all the time. Remember them as good times. Think you will have more good times.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

RSFWID said:


> I'm fighting the same urge, but I know she doesn't love me anymore, what's the point. So tonight I'm staying in a hotel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trust they suck, folks. Your cheating WASs suck big time. 

http://chumplady.com/2013/12/a-trust-that-they-suck-refresher-course/


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I think I have read this every day since you posted it. *bow down* thank you! 
I had one bad day, that was really started by something else, but turned into me talking to my WAS, mostly out of habit. Which turned into me crying and remourning my lost life and the unknown future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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