# Negative thoughts while trying to reconcile....



## NotSoSureYet

My H and I are trying to R. He has been all for it the whole time, I have not. I'm the one that left. 
Well, I've seen the changes that he is making to prove he needs to set a better life for himself, our daughter and us as a family. I get a good feeling about sticking it out, then I have these thoughts........thoughts of his friends and family members that I really don't want anything to do with anymore. I know he can't drop his mom. I just can't stand the thought of her gaining so much control over our lives like before. I don't want him to dump his few friends either, but I know that they were a huge part of the wedge that grew between me & my H. 

Anyone have any advise for how to deal with these problems?? I just get so discouraged with a R when I think of these 3rd parties that are in our lives.


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## stillinlovewithhim

If he wants you badly enough, he will eventually have put you before all others, including his mother. My ex isn't chasing after me, even though, I have dropped enough subtle hints to indicate I have softened towards him. I know for a fact, his friendship and family support network, have him locked in seeing me as the enemy who can't be trusted. 

At least yours, is reaching out to you, in spite of his negative support network. If I were in your shoes, I would concentrate on building a solid relationship with him and only when he is fully plugged into your relationship, should you work on relocating to put distance between his mother and his friends. At least then he will feel he is gaining a lot more than what he has with his friends or his mother.

Hope he is not expecting you to pick up where you left off in terms of the sort of life you had together. Reconciliation has to be something new and different from what was there before. This includes limiting family ties and cutting out friendships if these remain hostile to the reuniting couple.


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## Debbie Roxs

Can you work out a compromise? He sees his friends once a month while you go out with your friends. He can visit his mom every other holiday. Or something like that.
He does have to put you first though.


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## NotSoSureYet

Thanks for the info! I wanted to make sure I wasn't totally psycho for thinking he needs to re-evaluate the people around him. I saw the negatives AFTER we got separated and was on the outside. His friend really crossed the line when he went ballistic on me "for treating my H like sh%^" in the beginning (when all I was doing was telling him I wasn't happy anymore). We were all camping together, and while my H was asleep in the tent, his friend basically came after me and was going to drown me if others hadn't stepped in to stop him. It was pretty traumatic and not something easy for me to get over. 
His mom on the other hand has her nose in EVERYTHING about us. She has a blabber mouth and I know that people around us know lies that she's told them. It's just very uncomfortable now. My H dad is fine, but MIL is a monster behind my back.
I'm gonna keep trying, and see how it all goes with us. My H started a new job and hopefully things will feel better for me soon .


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## Jayb

NotSoSureYet said:


> My H and I are trying to R. He has been all for it the whole time, I have not. I'm the one that left.
> Well, I've seen the changes that he is making to prove he needs to set a better life for himself, our daughter and us as a family. I get a good feeling about sticking it out, then I have these thoughts........thoughts of his friends and family members that I really don't want anything to do with anymore. I know he can't drop his mom. I just can't stand the thought of her gaining so much control over our lives like before. I don't want him to dump his few friends either, but I know that they were a huge part of the wedge that grew between me & my H.
> 
> Anyone have any advise for how to deal with these problems?? I just get so discouraged with a R when I think of these 3rd parties that are in our lives.


My W is sort of similar, except she had an EA, or I found evidence inappropriate behavior, we separated, and I filed for divorce.

Now I want R, but she claims to be over us, and wants to be friends, due to having 2 small children and being interactive around them.

She is attending MC with me, but her attitude seems to be more of, "I'm supporting you while we go through this difficult time."

Right now, I'm asking for time, and signs of effort from her. The divorce is on hold, but, since I filed, I can always withdraw. She looks at the money we both spent and says to just proceed.

Since you were reluctant about R, can you give me any signs that would signal a change in mind?


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## Mamatomany

Jayb said:


> Right now, I'm asking for time, and signs of effort from her. The divorce is on hold, but, since I filed, I can always withdraw. She looks at the money we both spent and says to just proceed.


I understand the money issue, I really do. BUT having two parents working together in the same house raising kids is more valuable. Too bad she can't see it as a learning experience and investment in the marriage/family unit. 

Plus all the other stats that say it will be a healthier environment if you all successfully R.


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## Jayb

Mamatomany said:


> I understand the money issue, I really do. BUT having two parents working together in the same house raising kids is more valuable. Too bad she can't see it as a learning experience and investment in the marriage/family unit.
> 
> Plus all the other stats that say it will be a healthier environment if you all successfully R.


She may. may. However, she remembers the misery she suffered in the marriage and is afraid to go back to it. Right now, I don't even mention the children aspect of it. I want her. So, I need to show her the man she fell in love with and married. I in turn need to be that man again. For myself.


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