# Do I tell a married friend about her Husband's forum post?



## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

I am a lawyer. I have a friend whom I have represented in a prior divorce. My friend has a child from her first marriage. She has since remarried. She says little about her new husband even when asked. She did say recently that her new husband is a good father-figure to her child. Otherwise, I do not know much about him. We talk mainly about her son and herself. She recently asked about a child support issue with her ex-husband. I e-mailed her three options and reminded her that whatever she opted to do I would support her 100% as a friend, and as her lawyer handle any legal matters. One of those options was to have her new husband adopt her child. I thought she would have jumped at the chance to pursue an adoption. She didn't respond at all. We have since chatted about other things but no mention of the legal matters. Presently her new husband could adopt her child WITHOUT the ex-husbands consent. This is a HUGE opportunity. However, the ability to do this will immediately go away in the event the ex-husband decides to either resume paying support or start visiting the child again. I wanted her to understand the fleeting nature of this opportunity, but I was hesitant to bring it up because there is obviously something about the adoption that she doesn't want to talk about. I did a quick search and found nothing in the new husband's past that would prevent him from adopting the child. I did, however, find a long and detailed post on another marriage forum wherein the new husband describes their failing marriage in great detail. My question is whether I tell my friend about her husband's forum post and that I am VERY concerned about her and her child? ...or, whether, I bite my tongue and hope for the best? Any insight is greatly appreciated.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

As her attorney who made the suggestion to have the new husband adopt her child, I would say you have a legal obligation to let her know if those circumstances upon which you originally made your recommendation have changed.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

You're HER lawyer, and HER friend. So, seems like an easy answer for me...tell her. Approach it with "Tell me to butt out at any time, but I'm concerned...." I would want you to tell me if we were friends.....Good Luck!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

How recent was the post from the husband? Months ago? Maybe it was just a rough patch and things are better now. Days ago? Probably a cause for greater concern.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's your friend and client. As far as I'm concerned, your obligation is to protect her best interests. But don't they cover stuff like this in law school? Ethics classes or something? You also have an obligation not to be nailed by your Bar Association. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As a lawyer, you should already know where your duty lies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has she been married to this current husband? 

It can be very hard and expensive to strip a parent of their parental rights even if they are not paying child support and seeing the child. Maybe she knows this and does not want the emotional and financial drain.

How do u know that the forum thread is written by her husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Yes tell her . She deserves to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> One of those options was to have her new husband adopt her child. I thought she would have jumped at the chance to pursue an adoption. She didn't respond at all. We have since chatted about other things but no mention of the legal matters.


Perhaps she is fully aware of the issues in her marriage and it's for this reason that she isn't enthusiastic about the adoption.

Are you a very close friend? If I found a post like that which I thought concerned a close friend of mine, I'd probably say something along the lines of:- "I belong to a marriage forum and there is a poster in there that sounds very like your H. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but here's the link if you want to take a look."

This could go badly, though, if she's hiding the fact that she has issues in her marriage from you...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Point her to the post. Let her make her own decisions. If she asks your advice, offer it.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

I don't want to create any issues in their marriage. She shares very little with me about the marriage and I am hesitant that I would be out of line. I found the post 3 days ago. The original post was 11 months ago. It was not written in haste. It was very long, well thought out and detailed a very troubled relationship. They were only married 6 months at the time and he said that the marriage had fallen apart over the prior 3 months. About 8 or 9 months ago he submitted a follow up post that reaffirmed things. Since then there have been no more posts. However, the details in this post confirmed many concerns that I had on my own. There are also things that have happened subsequent to the post that further confirm their problems.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

Call your state bar ethics hotline.

I say your duty is to disclose to your client. Would you disclose said information to a client if you were not friends with them?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Do I tell a married friend about her Husband's forum post?*



TurtleShell79 said:


> I don't want to create any issues in their marriage. She shares very little with me about the marriage and I am hesitant that I would be out of line. I found the post 3 days ago. The original post was 11 months ago. It was not written in haste. It was very long, well thought out and detailed a very troubled relationship. They were only married 6 months at the time and he said that the marriage had fallen apart over the prior 3 months. About 8 or 9 months ago he submitted a follow up post that reaffirmed things. Since then there have been no more posts. However, the details in this post confirmed many concerns that I had on my own. There are also things that have happened subsequent to the post that further confirm their problems.


Based on your experience as a friend and as a lawyer, it would be inappropriate for you to set either a friend or a client down the wrong path. I don't even see a dilemna here.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

Otherwise we are very close. Closer than most siblings. Terminating the ex-husband's parental rights will cost her nothing monetarily. There will be emotional costs involved. Lawyers cannot guarantee results. However, I am extremely confident she would win. Terminating parental rights is not something most lawyers will take on. Even divorce/family lawyers. I am an adoption attorney and this is what I do. There is NO denying that the post was written by her husband. I have confirmed that. Believe me, I was hoping it was a "coincidence" or just a "rough patch".


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

I think the most important question is: at what rate do you bill her for the time spent reading her husband's forum posts?


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Are you a very close friend? If I found a post like that which I thought concerned a close friend of mine, I'd probably say something along the lines of:- "I belong to a marriage forum and there is a poster in there that sounds very like your H. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but here's the link if you want to take a look."


This brings something up for me: how do you know it was her husband? Was he stupid enough to join a forum where discretion is important under his real name?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

TurtleShell79 said:


> Otherwise we are very close. Closer than most siblings. Terminating the ex-husband's parental rights will cost her nothing monetarily. There will be emotional costs involved. Lawyers cannot guarantee results. However, I am extremely confident she would win. Terminating parental rights is not something most lawyers will take on. Even divorce/family lawyers. I am an adoption attorney and this is what I do. There is NO denying that the post was written by her husband. I have confirmed that. Believe me, I was hoping it was a "coincidence" or just a "rough patch".


Would it not be the decision of the husband to adopt his wife's child? Once adopted, this H would be financially responsible for the child until she is grown regardless of the state of the marriage. It is certain that HIS input (consent) is required to accomplish this, right?

So, in light of the posts you found, do you even believe that this husband would consent to be the child's legal father and assume all the responsibilities, financial and otherwise, that would incur?

You see, the "paperwork" is free to your client. You feel she has a good chance of getting this done. However, is there any indication that her husband wants this as well?

As a lawyer, you need not pursue the adoption at all if your client is not interested.

As a* friend* however, you owe it to your *friend* to let her know if there are problems in her marriage that she is not aware of.

Since either conversation would and should be held in confidence, neither conflicts with your duty and responsibility as her attorney/friend.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

seems very likely you would be obligated to tell her as her attorney even if she wasn't your friend. Because you're advising her on the adoption, it seems like she's still your client in relation to that matter, which is still open.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Turtleshell, best interests of the child. It's a nuanced consideration, but should be your only guiding light. Seriously, you are a divorce and custody lawyer?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It doesnt sound to me like the current husband would even be interested in adopting the child, he clearly is not in a good place with the marriage. So that part seems moot. I would tell her about the post, as long as you are sure its really him. He may not be communicating anything to her about how he feels, and I'm sure you dont want to see your friend blindsided or cheated on.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

"closer than siblings" 

well, you always hear jokes about lawyers screwing their clients. guess it's not always figurative. 

for whom does the bell troll? for thee my friend, for thee.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Why would you not tell her? As a lawyer, you should know that your duty is to your clients only, not to their husbands. Especially with the welfare of a child involved. edit: no legal duty to disclose, I took Professional Responsibility and the MPRE a lifetime ago. Though I think you should tell her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Turtleshell, best interests of the child. It's a nuanced consideration, but should be your only guiding light. Seriously, you are a divorce and custody lawyer?


No, the OP states she is an adoption attorney.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You gave her the options. She knows she's in a bad marrriage and knows she doesn't want her husband to adopt her child. You have merely found out the reason why. I'm not sure why this is a dilemma. You should not tell her that you know what is going on in her marriage, since that will embarass her and she has chosen not to share it with you. 

Now, you are a lawyer and you are going to present legal options to people. What you should think about in the future is that second marriages with children have a very high divorce rate. And by making this recommendation you are playing God in that you are trying to choose a father for a child... How do you know in this case or the next one that it's in the best interest of the child to do this? You NEVER know. And you don't know now. So to get MORE involved to try to predict outcomes gets you more into ethical hot water, in my opinion.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

You have a friend who consulted you for legal advice. Since you provided her legal advice, you have to ask yourself an important question. Did I research beyond the needs of the question and expectations of my client? It sounds like you did, out of friendly and personal curiosity about your friend's situation. That's an invasion into their privacy that's created a burden for you. I say it's time to back away.

That said, I find it appalling that you think a father can simply be removed from the child's life without so much as his consent. If he's on the birth certificate it typically rules out an attempt at De Facto Parent. That leaves you with abandonment with no ability to contact. Your wording though leaves it sounding as though that isn't likely the case. Legalities aside, the concept is what I find appalling.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

Wow, did this post derail. This isn't a legal issue. She's aware of the option to adopt but has chosen not to discuss it further. That's the end of the legal side. As her friend I was surprised that she doesn't want to pursue it because she has stated that the new husband is a good man and has taken on the role of a father figure. The post I discovered showing a rocky marriage explains why she would not want to pursue it. The issue is a friend issue. Knowing what I know, do I tell her about the post and be there for her as a friend during troubled times, or do I bite my tongue?

Yes I am sure it's him. When a client's background is at issue in a legal proceeding we conduct a background check so that we are not blind sided by the opposition at trial. The same is done if the opposing party's background is at issue. Many client's are shocked when they are informed what our researcher is able to dig up. Things they thought were deleted; things they did "anonymously"; records that were old, sealed or expunged. It's all out there and easy for a skilled researcher to discover.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well, if it is a friend issue, the received wisdom seems to be generally that you do tell.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

Hick's is first paragraph is on the mark. It's a 'friend' dilemna. Do I share what I know even though she hasn't discussed it, or do I bite my tongue?

I am hardly playing god. I advise people as to the relevant options and let them decide. She seems to have chosen not to proceed. From the legal standpoint I doing my client's a disservice if I lead them into court proceeding only to be blindsided by something in their past. From the standpoint of a friend, can you care too much....really? This issue is what you do with the information.

You may be appalled that parental rights can be terminated without consent from the biological parent. Nevertheless it's the law in many states. In general it can only be done in the case of abandonment. However, recent action by state legislatures and the Supreme Court show a trend that exception to consent is broadening.


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

For sure you should tell her she deserves to know.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*From an ethical standpoint, I'd tell her! But in your personally uncovering that particular post, it would greatly seem that you are setting yourself up as not only being her legal counsel, but also as being a potential witness who could be potentially cross-examined in either the deposition or the trial phase of that case, unless, of course, that you feel that it is exempted by attorney-client privilege. I could well be wrong here but I'm just saying!*


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

TurtleShell79 said:


> Wow, did this post derail. This isn't a legal issue. She's aware of the option to adopt but has chosen not to discuss it further. That's the end of the legal side. As her friend I was surprised that she doesn't want to pursue it because she has stated that the new husband is a good man and has taken on the role of a father figure. The post I discovered showing a rocky marriage explains why she would not want to pursue it. The issue is a friend issue. Knowing what I know, do I tell her about the post and be there for her as a friend during troubled times, or do I bite my tongue?
> 
> Yes I am sure it's him. When a client's background is at issue in a legal proceeding we conduct a background check so that we are not blind sided by the opposition at trial. The same is done if the opposing party's background is at issue. Many client's are shocked when they are informed what our researcher is able to dig up. Things they thought were deleted; things they did "anonymously"; records that were old, sealed or expunged. It's all out there and easy for a skilled researcher to discover.


hmmm...My wife is an attorney. Would she be able to find me here as a "skilled researcher"?
...Sorry bout the thread jack...


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

TurtleShell79 said:


> Hick's is first paragraph is on the mark. It's a 'friend' dilemna. Do I share what I know even though she hasn't discussed it, or do I bite my tongue?
> 
> I am hardly playing god. I advise people as to the relevant options and let them decide. She seems to have chosen not to proceed. From the legal standpoint I doing my client's a disservice if I lead them into court proceeding only to be blindsided by something in their past. From the standpoint of a friend, can you care too much....really? This issue is what you do with the information.
> 
> You may be appalled that parental rights can be terminated without consent from the biological parent. Nevertheless it's the law in many states. In general it can only be done in the case of abandonment. However, recent action by state legislatures and the Supreme Court show a trend that exception to consent is broadening.


1. She has chosen not to proceed. Case Closed, Counselor.

2. As to the post that you attribute to her H, your training (assuming you are a real lawyer) would lead you to consider the "Presumption of Innocence", meaning that unless you can PROVE that the post was in fact her H, and where willing to stand by your accusation to the level expected of a practicing attorney, you may be stirring the pot for no reason and could subject yourself to sanctions and/or other penalties for interfering, "assuming"or accusing. 

3. Again (assuming you are a real attorney), while your general concern in regards to adoption and parental rights is interesting, it is a non-issue in regards to the present discussion since the subject client is not willing to pursue.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

TurtleShell79 said:


> I am a lawyer. I have a friend whom I have represented in a prior divorce. My friend has a child from her first marriage. She has since remarried. She says little about her new husband even when asked. She did say recently that her new husband is a good father-figure to her child. Otherwise, I do not know much about him. We talk mainly about her son and herself. She recently asked about a child support issue with her ex-husband. I e-mailed her three options and reminded her that whatever she opted to do I would support her 100% as a friend, and as her lawyer handle any legal matters. One of those options was to have her new husband adopt her child. I thought she would have jumped at the chance to pursue an adoption. She didn't respond at all. We have since chatted about other things but no mention of the legal matters. Presently her new husband could adopt her child WITHOUT the ex-husbands consent. This is a HUGE opportunity. However, the ability to do this will immediately go away in the event the ex-husband decides to either resume paying support or start visiting the child again. I wanted her to understand the fleeting nature of this opportunity, but I was hesitant to bring it up because there is obviously something about the adoption that she doesn't want to talk about. I did a quick search and found nothing in the new husband's past that would prevent him from adopting the child. I did, however, find a long and detailed post on another marriage forum wherein the new husband describes their failing marriage in great detail. My question is whether I tell my friend about her husband's forum post and that I am VERY concerned about her and her child? ...or, whether, I bite my tongue and hope for the best? Any insight is greatly appreciated.


Mind your business.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you stepped over the line, TS. You had no duty to investigate the state of their marriage or his background. 

If I was your client and friend and you came to me with what you had found, I might start feeling uneasy that you took that investigatory step in the first place. As a "friend" especially? It's an intrusive step that is publicly available to her. You *could* suggest that since she hasn't mentioned the adoption thing, you were wondering if her marriage could be in trouble and ask her if she's ever checked online to see if her spouse has posted anything, but that's about as far as I'd go as a friend.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

bagdon, not knowing your wife and her abilities I can't answer. Be certain that there is someone out there with the skills to uncover your anonymous activity. There are experts who make their living offering this service to attorneys.

Again, there is no legal issue here. She isn't pursuing the adoption. Forget my occupation or how I came across the post. The only question is whether as a friend I should tell her about the post?

Tell or bite my tongue? That is the only issue.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

TurtleShell79 said:


> bagdon, not knowing your wife and her abilities I can't answer. Be certain that there is someone out there with the skills to uncover your anonymous activity. There are experts who make their living offering this service to attorneys.
> 
> Again, there is no legal issue here. She isn't pursuing the adoption. Forget my occupation or how I came across the post. The only question is whether as a friend I should tell her about the post?
> 
> Tell or bite my tongue? *That is the only issue*.


Sorry Counselor, Can't unring that bell. I have to stand with my prior post to you. Your profession, if true, needs to be considered. Professional Ethics won't allow you to act like the rest of us "civilians".


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Do I tell a married friend about her Husband's forum post?*



survivorwife said:


> Sorry Counselor, Can't unring that bell. I have to stand with my prior post to you. Your profession, if true, needs to be considered. Professional Ethics won't allow you to act like the rest of us "civilians".


She did nothing unethical by looking at a publicly available forum and making the connection that it was her friend's, or even her client's, spouse's comments.

if this was my friend, and my lawyer, if I find out she knew something relevant to my personal situation that was of any significance, but felt it was overstepping her bounds, well then she isn't really a friend nor had my best legal interests in mind. It would feel like betrayal if I found information wa deliberately kept from me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think you stepped over the line, TS. You had no duty to investigate the state of their marriage or his background.
> 
> If I was your client and friend and you came to me with what you had found, I might start feeling uneasy that you took that investigatory step in the first place. As a "friend" especially? It's an intrusive step that is publicly available to her. You *could* suggest that since she hasn't mentioned the adoption thing, you were wondering if her marriage could be in trouble and ask her if she's ever checked online to see if her spouse has posted anything, but that's about as far as I'd go as a friend.


*This is why that I cannot help but think that, because of the actions taken solely on your own part, that there could well be a serious breach inherent in the "attorney-client privilege" existing between you and your client!*


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Lon said:


> She did nothing unethical by looking at a publicly available forum a*nd making the connection that it was her friend's, or even her client's, spouse's comments.*
> 
> if this was my friend, and my lawyer, if I find out she knew something relevant to my personal situation that was of any significance, but felt it was overstepping her bounds, well then she isn't really a friend nor had my best legal interests in mind. It would feel like betrayal if I found information wa deliberately kept from me.


"Making the Connection"? How so? Therein lies the "legal" connection and the "legal" responsibility (or not). This is supposedly an attorney posing the question here about a client and her spouse.

Suppose you are the spouse. Suppose the "attorney" is wrong? If this information was found out by someone other than an attorney, the advise would be different. The consequences would be different. There are no "ethical" considerations in most cases. But a client/friend? A whole new ballgame. This "attorney" cannot accuse the spouse unless there is absolute proof. 

How can one prove absolutely that the poster was the H and not just someone with a similar story. Think about it.

ETA: Now if the "attorney" simply linked the post and sent it to the "client/Friend" and asked her to come to her own conclusions, that would be different. That would be allowing the Client to determine whether that was indeed her spouse or not with no accusation from the attorney either way.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Do I tell a married friend about her Husband's forum post?*



survivorwife said:


> "Making the Connection"? How so? Therein lies the "legal" connection and the "legal" responsibility (or not). This is supposedly an attorney posing the question here about a client and her spouse.
> 
> Suppose you are the spouse. Suppose the "attorney" is wrong? If this information was found out by someone other than an attorney, the advise would be different. The consequences would be different. There are no "ethical" considerations in most cases. But a client/friend? A whole new ballgame. This "attorney" cannot accuse the spouse unless there is absolute proof.
> 
> ...


It was never turtleshell's place to make judgements or decisions on behalf of her friend/client without her consent. I honestly don't see any big deals here at all, everything is completely above board, or so it will be as long as she doesn't take the advice some are giving her to turn her head the other direction.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Lon said:


> It was never turtleshell's place to make judgements or decisions on behalf of her friend/client without her consent. I honestly don't see any big deals here at all, everything is completely above board, or so it will be as long as she doesn't take the advice some are giving her to turn her head the other direction.


The Judgment in question is whether an anonymous poster on some forum is actually the Client's spouse. Without that "judgment", no contact with the Client in regards to the message would be necessary, right?

So yes, a "judgment" was clearly made and the question then becomes what responsibility fall on this particular "attorney" to prove it before making any accusations in regards to the Client's spouse.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Do I tell a married friend about her Husband's forum post?*



survivorwife said:


> The Judgment in question is whether an anonymous poster on some forum is actually the Client's spouse. Without that "judgment", no contact with the Client in regards to the message would be necessary, right?
> 
> So yes, a "judgment" was clearly made and the question then becomes what responsibility fall on this particular "attorney" to prove it before making any accusations in regards to the Client's spouse.


I think you are making it too complicated. What harm comes to either the client-attorney relationship or their friendship if turtleshell simply mentions the comment she saw, and asks her friend/client for clarification?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I can only think of how I'd feel if I was the friend with the husband posting on forums.

It would be humiliating for me to be told by a friend that my husband was posting online about our marriage if I didn't already know he was doing it.It would cause me to withdraw from my friend out of sheer embarrassment and that feeling of being so exposed.

If you were my friend I wouldn't want to know that you knew intimate details about my marriage that I didn't personally tell you myself.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Do I tell a married friend about her Husband's forum post?*



ScarletBegonias said:


> I can only think of how I'd feel if I was the friend with the husband posting on forums.
> 
> It would be humiliating for me to be told by a friend that my husband was posting online about our marriage if I didn't already know he was doing it.It would cause me to withdraw from my friend out of sheer embarrassment and that feeling of being so exposed.
> 
> If you were my friend I wouldn't want to know that you knew intimate details about my marriage that I didn't personally tell you myself.


Conversely, and this comes from first hand experience, the "friends" that knew what was going on and didn't tell me are no longer friends I talk to, merely acquaintances I don't trust to disclose any important information to. The ones who were in my camp and showed me loyalty I have come to treasure and appreciate, and the fact they know intimate details about me solidifies that bond. That is what a friend is.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Lon said:


> I think you are making it too complicated. What harm comes to either the client-attorney relationship or their friendship if turtleshell simply mentions the comment she saw, and asks her friend/client for clarification?


None. But that wasn't the question the OP posed. The OP's observation was this (from the first post):

" I did, however, find a long and detailed post on another marriage forum wherein the new husband describes their failing marriage in great detail."

Judgment made. "The new husband" is presented as a fact.

So, the OP's position is to present to the Client/Friend that "her new husband" posted the message. My "argument" is that how could the OP *KNOW* that this was the Client's "new husband". The "Attorney" has an ethical obligation to present a fact only when it is a proven fact. If not, it's just an opinion that it "*could be*" the client/friend's "new husband". 

So yes, I agree with you to a point. If the "attorney" merely sends the link to the Client/friend and let's *her* determine whether the message was written by her "new husband", that's fine. No judgment was made. However if the "Attorney" sends the link and states that this is her "new husband", and is wrong, the spouse could make life difficult for this "attorney" to continue to practice law. Also, if there was some privileged way that this "attorney" was able to breach the spouse's privacy, again, an ethical issue would be at stake.

When a practicing attorney is party to such exposure, he or she had better be right about the identity of the "new husband" and determining that connection had better be done by legal means. If not (simply put) the attorney needs to keep his/her silence and make no accusations.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Do I tell a married friend about her Husband's forum post?*



survivorwife said:


> None. But that wasn't the question the OP posed. The OP's observation was this (from the first post):
> 
> " I did, however, find a long and detailed post on another marriage forum wherein the new husband describes their failing marriage in great detail."
> 
> ...


Ok, from a legal perspective your point has merit, technically she cannot present her judgement call to her client because that would demonstrate an inappropriate use of attorney-client information

So with that understanding, do you agree that it is in her friends best interest that she is made aware of the post?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Lon said:


> Ok, from a legal perspective your point has merit, technically she cannot present her judgement call to her client because that would demonstrate an inappropriate use of attorney-client information
> 
> So with that understanding, do you agree that it is in her friends best interest that she is made aware of the post?


Yes. The identity of who the attorney believes is the writer of the post should not be stated as such (aka the "new husband). Instead, if a link to the message is sent to the wife, and the wife decides whether it sounds familiar to her or not, that's on the wife to decide. 

See! We agree now!  (I think)


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> No, the OP states she is an adoption attorney.


Enjoli, give me a break. She wrote she had a friend she represented in a prior divorce and then worked on custody. Didn't you once randomly and completely out of the blue accuse me of being a druggie and abuser? That as a total non sequitur on one of the social spot threads where the topic was post a picture of yourself. I did and you took an odd gratuitous swipe apropos of nothing. I have no idea who you are, but what is your deal? Clearly you know nothing of family law. But post away.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Why would a man adopt another mans seed unless it was an adoption by both parents of a non bio child? Yea i know in rare cases but lets be real here.


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## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

As a friend? I think two earlier answers were good... If you're having a "friend" moment, coffee or lunch or whatever, ask how things are going: "I know we don't talk about it much, but I just wondered if everything was okay with you at home?"
Good friends can always play the intuition card. If you can get away with saying you just have a feeling or get that vibe, she may be more likely to open up -- which would give you a better idea of how aware she is of her husband's opinion of the marriage.
If she were more forthcoming, you might be able to get away with later on linking the post you believe to be her husband in an email to her. But if she is very private, this is probably a bad idea.
Which is where Scarlet Begonias was coming from, I think. If your friend hasn't shared and doesn't respond to a gentle nudge to open up, at least let her keep her dignity and assumption of privacy.
That is, of course, assuming it would take a professional to recognize her husband's post. If he's posting personal information that could humiliate his wife/your friend under his full legal name and social security number... _That _you tell her immediately. But I don't think you would have needed anyone here to tell you that!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Why would a man adopt another mans seed unless it was an adoption by both parents of a non bio child? Yea i know in rare cases but lets be real here.


Why? Because some men see children as what they are, people, little people who they fall in love with.

Not everyone sees children as seeds.

Adoption of step children happens quite often. That's why there are a lot of attorneys who handle this type of law.


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## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Why? Because some men see children as what they are, people, little people who they fall in love with.
> 
> Not everyone sees children as seeds.
> 
> Adoption of step children happens quite often. That's why there are a lot of attorneys who handle this type of law.


Thanks for taking that up. It caught my eye, made me sad, and I just let it go.
I'm the seed. Or once was...


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

TurtleShell79 said:


> I did, however, find a long and detailed post on another marriage forum wherein the new husband describes their failing marriage in great detail.


How do you know that this post was written by her husband and not by somebody in a similar situation?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

TurtleShell79 said:


> I am a lawyer. I have a friend whom I have represented in a prior divorce. My friend has a child from her first marriage. She has since remarried. She says little about her new husband even when asked. She did say recently that her new husband is a good father-figure to her child. Otherwise, I do not know much about him. We talk mainly about her son and herself. She recently asked about a child support issue with her ex-husband. I e-mailed her three options and reminded her that whatever she opted to do I would support her 100% as a friend, and as her lawyer handle any legal matters. One of those options was to have her new husband adopt her child. I thought she would have jumped at the chance to pursue an adoption. She didn't respond at all. We have since chatted about other things but no mention of the legal matters. Presently her new husband could adopt her child WITHOUT the ex-husbands consent. This is a HUGE opportunity. However, the ability to do this will immediately go away in the event the ex-husband decides to either resume paying support or start visiting the child again. I wanted her to understand the fleeting nature of this opportunity, but I was hesitant to bring it up because there is obviously something about the adoption that she doesn't want to talk about. I did a quick search and found nothing in the new husband's past that would prevent him from adopting the child. I did, however, find a long and detailed post on another marriage forum wherein the new husband describes their failing marriage in great detail. My question is whether I tell my friend about her husband's forum post and that I am VERY concerned about her and her child? ...or, whether, I bite my tongue and hope for the best? Any insight is greatly appreciated.


If in the process of discovery you find some information that could affect your client negatively I would assume it would actually be your responsiblity to disclose this forthwith. 

Are you also going to disclose to the new husband that if he adopts and the marriage goes bad that he would then be responsible for CS depending on the state? I don't know what men love to be paying for another man's child.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Lon said:


> That is what a friend is.


That's what a friend is to you. That's what solidifies the bond for you. 

I'd prefer to keep friends out of my marital business entirely and I was speaking from my point of view on it.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

The post was made by the new husband. There is no doubt. Take that for a given. If you want to discuss hiding your identity on the internet then maybe start a new thread. "Discovery", "Duty", "Consent", "Privileged Information", "Right of Privacy"....this is not a legal question. Again, start a new thread on any legal issues that may concern you. On intuition I searched a friend's husband and I discovered a post that has caused me concern about their relationship. This is a good friend and I care for her and her child. The question is whether you would reveal this post to a friend or whether you would bite your tongue?

For those who have answered my question, THANK YOU! I appreciate the insight.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

TurtleShell79 said:


> The post was made by the new husband. There is no doubt. Take that for a given. If you want to discuss hiding your identity on the internet then maybe start a new thread. "Discovery", "Duty", "Consent", "Privileged Information", "Right of Privacy"....this is not a legal question. *Again, start a new thread on any legal issues that may concern you. * On intuition I searched a friend's husband and I discovered a post that has caused me concern about their relationship. This is a good friend and I care for her and her child. The question is whether you would reveal this post to a friend or whether you would bite your tongue?
> 
> For those who have answered my question, THANK YOU! I appreciate the insight.


:rofl: :lol: :rofl:

Too funny. No, the legal issues don't concern *me* as a stand-alone-issue, however, they should concern *you* (assuming you are an attorney).

However, I will this time respect *your* request and move directly to answering the question. I would inform my friend. So there you have it. 

Is that the answer you are looking for? Do you want us not to debate the pros and cons or offer up any insight other than what *you* direct us to consider? Alrighty then.

Have a nice day.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She already knows she's in a crappy marriage. Thats why she hasnt pursued or responded to the adoption piece.

What am I missing? Why the drama?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Do I tell a married friend about her Husband's forum post?*



ScarletBegonias said:


> That's what a friend is to you. That's what solidifies the bond for you.
> 
> I'd prefer to keep friends out of my marital business entirely and I was speaking from my point of view on it.


I apologize, I came across as judgmental. You are correct, that is what solidifies the bond for myself, and I acknowledge that your friendships aren't any less valuable just because we differ.

I think either perspective is valid and it all comes down to the kind if friendship the op chooses to have.


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## TurtleShell79 (Nov 6, 2013)

Deejo said:


> She already knows she's in a crappy marriage. Thats why she hasnt pursued or responded to the adoption piece.
> 
> What am I missing? Why the drama?


There is no drama. Only a yes or no question. Thank you for your answer and your insight!


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## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

Deejo said:


> She already knows she's in a crappy marriage. Thats why she hasnt pursued or responded to the adoption piece.
> 
> What am I missing? Why the drama?


I guess I've been assuming there was some information in the husband's posts that the friend is not aware of and that was causing the concern?
Like, under his presumed anonymity, he details marital problems that his wife would obviously also be aware of, but then he also says he has started hiding money from her to leave? Or maybe he acknowledged an affair his wife hasn't discovered. Maybe he just posted intimate details without proper regard for hiding his/his wife's identity. Something of that nature that would make a concerned friend feel a need to share more than just, "Hey, your husband is making your problems public!"


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

OP, you wrote

>>Wow, did this post derail. This isn't a legal issue

Maybe it derailed to you, but didn't you set it up this way when the first sentence you wrote was "I am a lawyer"??


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TutrtleShell, can you tell us what makes you think that this could be your friend's current husband? Is the poster using phrases / expressions that you have heard him use before? Is he describing situations that your friend has described to you as well? Does he name any names that are spot on (person, places, etc....)?


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> TutrtleShell, can you tell us what makes you think that this could be your friend's current husband? Is the poster using phrases / expressions that you have heard him use before? Is he describing situations that your friend has described to you as well? Does he name any names that are spot on (person, places, etc....)?


Probably an email address used in signing up for the forum. I found a lot of my ex's blog posts, forum sign ups, etc. (In my searching for answers stage. And boy did I find some answers I didn't want lol)


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Probably an email address used in signing up for the forum. I found a lot of my ex's blog posts, forum sign ups, etc. (In my searching for answers stage. And boy did I find some answers I didn't want lol)


I learned a lot of stuff about my (future) fiance's EA when I learned her e-mail address. 

So, is that that makes the OP think that the post he saw is from his friend/ client's partner or something else that is less exact.

So far, he has not said. II am waiting to hear an answer from him.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I learned a lot of stuff about my (future) fiance's EA when I learned her e-mail address.
> 
> So, is that that makes the OP think that the post he saw is from his friend/ client's partner or something else that is less exact.
> 
> So far, he has not said. II am waiting to hear an answer from him.


FYI: I think OP is a she, not a he. I don't know if she'll reveal sources, due to probably using her practice's researchers to find the info.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

TurtleShell79 said:


> I am a lawyer. I have a friend whom I have represented in a prior divorce.





TurtleShell79 said:


> I am an adoption attorney and this is what I do.





Harken Banks said:


> Turtleshell, best interests of the child. It's a nuanced consideration, but should be your only guiding light. Seriously, you are a divorce and custody lawyer?





EnjoliWoman said:


> No, the OP states she is an adoption attorney.





Harken Banks said:


> Enjoli, give me a break. She wrote she had a friend she represented in a prior divorce and then worked on custody. Didn't you once randomly and completely out of the blue accuse me of being a druggie and abuser? That as a total non sequitur on one of the social spot threads where the topic was post a picture of yourself. I did and you took an odd gratuitous swipe apropos of nothing. I have no idea who you are, but what is your deal? Clearly you know nothing of family law. But post away.


She states she is an adoption attorney. That does not mean she cannot take on other cases that are not adoption related. She passed the bar therefore she can close real estate deals, create wills, handle personal injury.... my guess is she handled the divorce for her friend because she is simply an attorney, but that does not appear to be the OPs _specialty_.

I have no more to add to the discussion but as a friend I would want my friend to direct me to the post. Embarrassment aside, I'd rather know what I'm dealing with.

As to the comment that I called you a druggie/abuser somewhere... you do not stand out to me as a poster. If you could PM me the link to the specific thread/post I would happliy expand on my conclusion or retract with an apology but I don't accuse someone randomly generally speaking (unless you are my ex in which case you ARE a druggie and an abuser  )


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

TurtleShell, how's this for an option... 

Why not say something like this to your friend, "Hey, friend, It seems something odd is going on. I noticed you didn't respond to the possibility of adoption the way a lot of people do, so I'm wondering if you might have some doubts. Would you like me to go online and see if there's anything that you should know that you might not be aware of yet?" and if she says yes, then you can wait a day or two and tell her what you found. If she says she doesn't want you to do a search, then you'll have the answer directly from her about what you should do with the info you found.

Although I personally also in the camp of wanting to know whatever applies to me, I *would* wonder about a friend who investigated my life without asking me first. Could they REALLY have my best interests at heart, or just their own?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> She states she is an adoption attorney. That does not mean she cannot take on other cases that are not adoption related. She passed the bar therefore she can close real estate deals, create wills, handle personal injury.... my guess is she handled the divorce for her friend because she is simply an attorney, but that does not appear to be the OPs _specialty_.
> 
> I have no more to add to the discussion but as a friend I would want my friend to direct me to the post. Embarrassment aside, I'd rather know what I'm dealing with.
> 
> As to the comment that I called you a druggie/abuser somewhere... you do not stand out to me as a poster. If you could PM me the link to the specific thread/post I would happliy expand on my conclusion or retract with an apology but I don't accuse someone randomly generally speaking (unless you are my ex in which case you ARE a druggie and an abuser  )


Enjoli, she represented this woman in a divorce. I will assume she felt she was competent to do so. I am a lawyer. I am a private equity lawyer. I am also an executive compensation lawyer, in public and private company settings. My practice is described by some as corporate law, and that fits but is not as descriptive. Earlier in my career I spent a fair amount of time in the area of capital markets real estate (representing institutional money managers and the like). I have honors from legal review organizations in additional areas of practice. Her saying she is an adoption lawyer doesn't mean she is not a divorce and custody lawyer. In fact, by her own posts, it seems clear she does that work. How does adoption not involve custody, anyway.?

I have never had any involvement in the practice of family law. That is the self-declared area of practice of OP. Family law includes divorce and custody. I do know some things about family law, having gone to law school and passed the bar in more than one state. It is hard to run those gauntlets without acquiring an understanding of the basic tenets and principles.

The thread where the random character assassination attempt took place was in the Social Spot and it was under a thread title something like "Post a recent picture of yourself." I did and you took your bizarre and gratuitous swipe.

Here endeth the TJ. Bury the hatchet.


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