# Trying to deal with my husband's friend who is a girl



## Bluemoon89 (Nov 6, 2013)

I know everyone has heard this before. But before you judge me let me say that I'm not use to stuff like this. My husband was my first for everything, even a relationship so I sometimes have trust issues. I was raised in the old fashion christian based family, but not saying it was all bad. Oh I was also home schooled from 3rd grade through high school, and I wasn't allowed to date till I was 18 and done with school. So between 18 and 22 I did try to go out with guys, but they were never ready for a relationship, or just wanted me for others things. I also wasn't confident with myself, I had an issue with my smile and finally got it fixed when I was 21 so I'm still dealing with that. But anyways my husband has a friend who he has told me they have been friends for a long time. I understand, but that's all he has told me about them and I try not to push, but I'm considering maybe I should. Because he asked her out just a few weeks or month before me. I was around and his friend at the time, because I remember the day he told me he asked his friend out and she gave him the "Were just friends speech". I'm just wondering now if something happened between them two that lead him to ask her out. Also he's always like her pics on facebook, which hurt my feelings only because she is very beautiful and a red head which he likes. I'm a dark headed native and Irish girl. I know this shouldn't bother me but he never likes the pic's with her and her one year old son (Don't worry it's not his) so I just feel hurt by that. There are some other things but that's it for now. I just need someone to talk to you know. So I don't feel alone.

Thank you

Okay so just yesterday was my husbands birthday. I was doing okay till I saw her post that said "Happy birthday best friend! Miss you always! I hope you've had a good day lovee youu!"

Not really comfortable with her saying the words Love you to my husband. But I guess it's better than doing it by phone where I can't see it. But I don't know if I mention this before but when we first started dating. I was staying over with my husband (boyfriend at the time). She came over with another friend of the group. But I guess she didn't realize I was there because as I rounded the corner she decided to jump up and wrap her legs around him. I'm sorry but this really seemed disrespectful of her. If she knew he had a girlfriend she shouldn't of done that right? 

I'm starting to consider the opposite sex boundary talk but I don't know how to go about it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Maybe you should give us some more information

You seem to feel insecure because of this female " friend' of your husband , based on nothing else but suspicion.
What else beside him " liking" her pics on facebook makes you feel insecure?

Does he spend excessive time online with her?

What about texting and communicating with her, does he hide anything?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Bluemoon89 said:


> I know everyone has heard this before. But before you judge me let me say that I'm not use to stuff like this. My husband was my first for everything, even a relationship so I sometimes have trust issues. I was raised in the old fashion christian based family, but not saying it was all bad. Oh I was also home schooled from 3rd grade through high school, and I wasn't allowed to date till I was 18 and done with school. So between 18 and 22 I did try to go out with guys, but they were never ready for a relationship, or just wanted me for others things. I also wasn't confident with myself, I had an issue with my smile and finally got it fixed when I was 21 so I'm still dealing with that. But anyways my husband has a friend who he has told me they have been friends for a long time. I understand, but that's all he has told me about them and I try not to push, but I'm considering maybe I should. Because he asked her out just a few weeks or month before me. I was around and his friend at the time, because I remember the day he told me he asked his friend out and she gave him the "Were just friends speech". I'm just wondering now if something happened between them two that lead him to ask her out. Also he's always like her pics on facebook, which hurt my feelings only because she is very beautiful and a red head which he likes. I'm a dark headed native and Irish girl. I know this shouldn't bother me but he never likes the pic's with her and her one year old son (Don't worry it's not his) so I just feel hurt by that. There are some other things but that's it for now. I just need someone to talk to you know. So I don't feel alone.
> 
> Thank you


Have you met this woman? If no why not


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Have you asked him why he doesn't like her pictures with her child?


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

Bluemoon, I really think that you could benefit from some individual counselling. Someone local that you can talk to on a regular basis so you don't feel alone, and they could also help you with some strategies for building your confidence and self esteem.

Do you feel that your husband chose you only because his female friend wouldn't go out with him? Are you worried that he may have feelings for her? After all, he did ask her out, and maybe he stays friends with her just to keep her close? If this is your concern, I can understand your worry.

But I think you need to bring this up to your husband. As his life partner you have every right to ask exactly what this friendship is, and to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. Any worthy husband would be horrified to know that his wife is feeling second best. Give your husband the chance to put this right. He cannot fix what he isn't aware of.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I recommend that you read through Caribbean Man's thread on opposite sex friends:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...other-look-opposite-sex-friends-marriage.html

Your husband having a female friend could pose a risk to your marriage and it's wise for you to study the thread and others here to find out if you and your husband have the appropriate boundaries and transparency to allow opposite sex friends. I also recommend that you meet her so that you how they interact together. Your gut should be your guide.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

You're here because you already know the answer. Men can't be friends with attractive women. My dad has been telling me this since i hit puberty. Then my boyfriend did. The only reason they're friends is because she turned him down. He's waiting. I'm sorry.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Not necessarily. But I would be suspicious because you don't know about this female friend. 
What I would do is tell your husband to invite her over for dinner (with some more people) or meet somewhere with you and your husband. You need to be present, this gives a clear signal to her. If she is OK she will simply stay friends.
I would not turn your jealousy against your husband without clear proves this can really destroy your marriage.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

A bit more info would be handy . Like how long you are together, how much contact they have, etc.


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## Bluemoon89 (Nov 6, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for almost 3 yrs in June. I recently moved back to Indiana from Tennessee and he was at a horse farm where I was going to re-board my horse at and I had been at this barn previously for 6 years now, and I was only away for that one year. As I came back I met him and he had recently went through a break up ( the girl broke up with him and yes I knew here but she is in Kentucky now) anyways I instantly fell for him. We started talking and hanging out. I even found ways to hangout with him. Like taking T-post out of the ground from my house so I could help him with a new pasture he was building. We would text and just hang out. I never knew about this best friend at all, I mean he would sometimes talk about her but that was it. Now to come to think about it he didn't ask me out to lunch till after he asked out the best friend and she gave him the "We are just friend" talk as he puts it. Of course I was down about that because I thought he might of liked me. But I still tried to keep my hopes up you know. Then a close friend to the both of us at the farm, and she is like a little sister to me knew we liked each other and helped get us together. So finally one evening I spent time with him and he asked me out or asked if I would consider it, I told him Maybe lol. But the next day our friend found out and helped me say yes to him. So then we started going out and then somethings started coming to me know. When I was over at one of his friends house. They were looking on facebook and saw the best friend and saw that she was in a new relationship or was asking how long she had been in it and it was about the same amount to me and I noticed one of his friends was trying to stop them from saying that in front of me. So this sometimes makes me wonder if I was a rebound you know. I love this man so much and I hate how I don't have the courage to ask because I'm scared will have a fight or he will get angry but I know I need to talk to him about it. We were suppose to go over to have dinner with her and her boyfriend and hangout but it got cancelled. Then I find out as she was over one night with a bunch of us that she used to sneak out to hang with my now husband and she is younger and likes guys friends especially older ones. So there is a little more info. Thank you all for talking with me!!!!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Opposite sex friend? 

I don't believe in those......


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

kipani said:


> Men can't be friends with *ANY *women.


Fixed


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## Bluemoon89 (Nov 6, 2013)

Also before we got married he would hide things from me. He would still see and talk to one of his ex's that he was serious with for a few years but she cheated on him. She would often still text him and want to see him and talk about her recent relationship she was in because they were having problems and I was really never invited to come along. I finally told him he couldn't see her anymore, and as far as I know he hasn't. Then he would hide his phone when he was texting people and I would be sitting right beside him, he would often put the phone down by his thigh so I couldn't see. I finally had to get after him about that and he has gotten better with that. Then this one girl who was dating a friend of his would text him all the time, and he would hide this. So he has done a lot of things that have made me wonder about things. I guess I'm just going to need to really sit down and have a talk with him.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

Bluemoon89 said:


> Also before we got married he would hide things from me. He would still see and talk to one of his ex's that he was serious with for a few years but she cheated on him. She would often still text him and want to see him and talk about her recent relationship she was in because they were having problems and I was really never invited to come along. I finally told him he couldn't see her anymore, and as far as I know he hasn't. Then he would hide his phone when he was texting people and I would be sitting right beside him, he would often put the phone down by his thigh so I couldn't see. I finally had to get after him about that and he has gotten better with that. Then this one girl who was dating a friend of his would text him all the time, and he would hide this. So he has done a lot of things that have made me wonder about things. I guess I'm just going to need to really sit down and have a talk with him.




Definitely have a talk with your husband Bluemoon. The main subject in my opinion needs to be boundaries. 

And considering the history your husband has with this girl friend, I don't think it would be unreasonable of you to want to limit your husband's contact with her. 

It sounds to me like you've noticed a lot over time, but have just never said anything to your husband. Because of that he has probably relaxed and thinks you are okay with it all. Now is the time to have that talk. Say how you feel. I can't stress enough how important it is in a marriage to be open and honest with how you feel. And as I've stated previously, any husband worth his salt will be very interested in hearing it. 

Best to you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Bluemoon89 said:


> Also before we got married he would hide things from me. He would still see and talk to one of his ex's that he was serious with for a few years but she cheated on him. She would often still text him and want to see him and talk about her recent relationship she was in because they were having problems and I was really never invited to come along. I finally told him he couldn't see her anymore, and as far as I know he hasn't. Then he would hide his phone when he was texting people and I would be sitting right beside him, he would often put the phone down by his thigh so I couldn't see. I finally had to get after him about that and he has gotten better with that. Then this one girl who was dating a friend of his would text him all the time, and he would hide this. So he has done a lot of things that have made me wonder about things. I guess I'm just going to need to really sit down and have a talk with him.


Any friendship, especially an opposite sex friendship that excludes your spouse is not on.

Your husband clearly has little respect for you.

Not sure how far you'll get demanding he cut off contact, I think he'll just find other sneaky ways to continue what he's doing.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Bluemoon89 said:


> Also before we got married he would hide things from me. He would still see and talk to one of his ex's that he was serious with for a few years but she cheated on him. She would often still text him and want to see him and talk about her recent relationship she was in because they were having problems and I was really never invited to come along. I finally told him he couldn't see her anymore, and as far as I know he hasn't. Then he would hide his phone when he was texting people and I would be sitting right beside him, he would often put the phone down by his thigh so I couldn't see. I finally had to get after him about that and he has gotten better with that. Then this one girl who was dating a friend of his would text him all the time, and he would hide this. So he has done a lot of things that have made me wonder about things. I guess I'm just going to need to really sit down and have a talk with him.


This man would make me tired. You're going to have to be very clear about what you expect from him. "Complete transparency" is a phrase I would use. Some people just get it, others don't. You picked a person who just doesn't get it. He needs to read through a few cheaters threads I think, because what he is doing is where it all starts.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

DoF said:


> Fixed


Simply false


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Get two copies of the book Not Just Friends, read it at the same time, and talk about it. At the end, you should both have a better idea of what healthy boundaries and behaviours are. Also get some individual counselling. It's completely unhealthy and unrealistic to pin your hopes and happiness on someone else. Those things are your responsibility. Your world would not end were you two to break up, so don't act like that. To be completely blunt, he is entirely replaceable. So are you, so is everyone else. At the end of discussing NJF, I'd suggest you lay it out for him. Commit fully to your relationship, be honest, open, and transparent, and set proper boundaries with other people. If he fails on any account, move on. Believe me, that fate would be infinitely less painful than sticking around, hoping he will do the right thing. If he fails to commit, and follow up with real, consistent action, then he is pretty much guaranteeing he will cheat given the opportunity. That is not an experience I would wish upon anyone. Ps do not engage in unprotected sex with him, until you have seen the steady committed behaviour for a good while. The last thing you need is a lifetime link to a cheating POS.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband asked this girl out, before he asked you out? 

She needs to be gone. 

I would say " this is not a debate, you are clearly attracted to her, you asked her out once and I don't want her in our lives. As your wife I come first and you as my husband come first" 

I would insist on counselling and in your husband being honest with you. You need good boundaries as well. And let him know that your boundaries are non negotiable.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Your husband is an a&&hole. Play him at his own game with other men. Go for the throat. If he 'gets it' you might have a chance. If he doesn't, divorce him.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, go hang out with a guy and be friends with him. Give him a little taste of his own sheeeeeet.

On a serious note, you might want to start packing up/thinking about a way out. He would not be hanging out with her if there was no physical/sexual attraction.

What he is doing is simply disrespectful and inappropriate. You don't deserve that.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tacoma said:


> Simply false


Guessing you are a woman.

Watch carefully.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

DoF said:


> Guessing you are a woman.
> 
> Watch carefully.
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA


That was amusing, but did you notice that all the girls were generally attractive, and young.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

breeze said:


> That was amusing, but did you notice that all the girls were generally attractive, and young.


Well, that's because unattractive ones probably don't have any male friends.



:scratchhead:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

DoF said:


> Guessing you are a woman.
> 
> Watch carefully.
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA


Wrong again


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I have one male friend, and my man is always around when he is here. I wouldn't want him to hang around with a female friend without me there, so I show him the same respect. Know where your boundaries are, and don't compromise them, as it breed mistrust and resentment. I hope your hubby understands.


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