# Feel Stuck



## Snow*Angel (Mar 3, 2018)

So unsure what to do about my marriage of 25 years. I’m 48 and my husband 50. We have slowly been drifting apart and it’s getting worse due to his health and mental health issues. He has osteoarthritis in several joints and just had his knee replaced in November. He says he is in constant pain, but due to his job he does not want to go on pain medication as he needs to be alert. Because of his pain, he can no longer lift weights and work out like he used to which has caused worsening depression. He will also be retiring soon and this is bothering him as he feels like his job defines him. He has no hobbies and he has friends, but never does anything with them outside of work. Frankly, he seems to just want to be alone and not be bothered. Our communication has never been great and he says I’m blaming him when I tell him how I feel, then he clams up and won’t talk. I feel like we never get anything resolved. After a couple days of not talking, he then acts like nothing is wrong. We sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores and gets up much earlier for work then me. We hardly ever have sex anymore and whenever we do it’s just sex, never any cuddling or kissing or foreplay. I tell him I need this, but it falls on deaf ears and he never tries to make any effort when it comes to my needs whatsoever. How many times can a wife express what she needs and have her husband not care? He does have a problem with porn as well and we have gone to counseling in the past about this and he stopped for awhile, but has recently started again when I confronted him because he has been emotionally distant. He has told me just recently that I’m too much work and I’m never in the mood so that is why he looks at porn. Never said what he will do to try to stop or sorry or anything, just that it was my fault. We both agreed that there doesn’t seem to be much love left in our relationship but neither one of us really wants to divorce and honestly I feel bad leaving him when he is going through such a hard time. I told him I need him to be happy and to go to counseling to sort things out so we can get our marriage back on track, but I’m pretty sure he won’t do it as he never puts in any effort when it comes to me or our marriage. The last time we were in counseling he never read a book that the counselor suggested. So what does this tell me? I’m just so tired of putting in all the effort and getting nothing in return, yet I’m trying to be understanding and sympathetic of what is going on with him. I told him I don’t want to stay in the marriage the way it is and he genuinely looked upset and got tears in his eyes. He said he didn’t want to divorce, but when I asked him why he couldn’t give me a reason. I just feel stuck and don’t want to stay in an unhappy marriage where there is a lack of intimacy and my needs/wants are never considered. I’m starting to give up.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi Snow Angel. Hey girl at 48 you have plenty life left living. I think a little reflection on your past might be in order. Do you want to keep going like that or have you damn well had enough?
Sometimes what it takes is that your partner must come "to see you differently". It needs to be like a shock wave that has a defined start. The old routine of talking about it, counseling, porn
starting back up are all boundaries that can be pushed over and ignored now by him because there was no consequences in ignoring them. You need to "become that different person" with your
shock wave. 

The shock wave: How far do you want to take it and what are you willing to risk? Only you have this answer. A huge one would be having a lawyer draw up divorce papers and presenting them to him
with no signature. Tell him in six months you will re-evaluate. Expect tears or a tantrum .... hold your ground...do not waver. He will test your boundary knowing he has been able to break them all in the 
past. Something a little more subtle would be moving out for a while. 

You need something with an absolute defined start that says: I'm not doing this anymore. I have had enough. I am serious. This is not an option.

Be absolutely 100% committed .... The shock/boundary is like Ft. Knox .... no one breaks through ...you are in control.


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## Snow*Angel (Mar 3, 2018)

Thank you for your response Mr. Married. No I do not want to keep continuing on like we have and I have told him this and he feels the same, yet no effort from him and I’m done trying. I know that I need to set a boundary and I have told him I was considering moving out. I just feel like I would be leaving him at a time when he needs me the most and if I leave him it would just make his depression worse. For better or for worse right? Idk I’m really struggling because who kicks a man when he’s down? I feel like I’m being selfish. I just keep waiting for some sort of effort from him to show me that he cares and wants this to work but it never comes and like you said, I’m still young and have a lot of life left to live and I sure as heck don’t want to spend it like this, but then again I may not ever find anyone else and live the rest of my life alone anyway. Ugh... this is so hard.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Snow*Angel said:


> So unsure what to do about my marriage of 25 years. I’m 48 and my husband 50. We have slowly been drifting apart and it’s getting worse due to his health and mental health issues. He has osteoarthritis in several joints and just had his knee replaced in November. He says he is in constant pain, but due to his job he does not want to go on pain medication as he needs to be alert. Because of his pain, he can no longer lift weights and work out like he used to which has caused worsening depression. He will also be retiring soon and this is bothering him as he feels like his job defines him. He has no hobbies and he has friends, but never does anything with them outside of work. Frankly, he seems to just want to be alone and not be bothered. Our communication has never been great and he says I’m blaming him when I tell him how I feel, then he clams up and won’t talk. I feel like we never get anything resolved. After a couple days of not talking, he then acts like nothing is wrong. We sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores and gets up much earlier for work then me. We hardly ever have sex anymore and whenever we do it’s just sex, never any cuddling or kissing or foreplay. I tell him I need this, but it falls on deaf ears and he never tries to make any effort when it comes to my needs whatsoever. How many times can a wife express what she needs and have her husband not care? He does have a problem with porn as well and we have gone to counseling in the past about this and he stopped for awhile, but has recently started again when I confronted him because he has been emotionally distant. He has told me just recently that I’m too much work and I’m never in the mood so that is why he looks at porn. Never said what he will do to try to stop or sorry or anything, just that it was my fault. We both agreed that there doesn’t seem to be much love left in our relationship but neither one of us really wants to divorce and honestly I feel bad leaving him when he is going through such a hard time. I told him I need him to be happy and to go to counseling to sort things out so we can get our marriage back on track, but I’m pretty sure he won’t do it as he never puts in any effort when it comes to me or our marriage. The last time we were in counseling he never read a book that the counselor suggested. So what does this tell me? I’m just so tired of putting in all the effort and getting nothing in return, yet I’m trying to be understanding and sympathetic of what is going on with him. I told him I don’t want to stay in the marriage the way it is and he genuinely looked upset and got tears in his eyes. He said he didn’t want to divorce, but when I asked him why he couldn’t give me a reason. I just feel stuck and don’t want to stay in an unhappy marriage where there is a lack of intimacy and my needs/wants are never considered. I’m starting to give up.


Oh man... your situation really resonates with me. My husband is very similar to yours. He doesn't really make an effort, seems really distant and quite cold most of the times. It gets really tiring to be the only one trying . I wish I had advice for you. All I can offer you is compassion and to let you know you are not alone.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I may not ever find anyone else and live the rest of my life alone anyway..........

I absolutely promise you that this will not be the case. It is only the fear talking.

He doesn't seem to mind leaving your needs behind....think about that !!!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Read: beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Maybe a couple things you can try.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

What I don't get from your story is how long this has been going on. Has it been the whole 25 years, are you just now tiring of it, or has it begun fairly recently? I ask because I don't know how it has been your whole marriage that you've been sexually unsatisfied and neglected but you just now want to leave. And if it has, then I don't see you blaming him because he is the same person he's always been, which tells me you either have ulterior reason now for wanting to leave, or you had reason for staying for 25 years and whatever your purpose was for staying, he served your purpose just fine for all that time. In either of those cases, you are the one who has changed or your reasons have changed. So tell us which one it is.

People have a tendency to rewrite history when they want something that will break up their marriage. If you are the one who has changed or your reasons have changed, then be honest with yourself and with us. It is wrong of you to make him the blame if that is the case.


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