# Having difficulty coping



## Downnotout (Nov 3, 2018)

Hello everyone. I am getting a divorce from my husband of almost four years, and I am having difficulty coping with this realization, as everything is moving so quickly. My husband and I have been doing a long distance marriage, as I am in one state for law school and his work has him in another state. He encouraged me to apply to and attend school with promises that he would join me as soon as he could. He attempted to get a position in the same city as me, but nothing panned out. We were happy when we were together, and the decision to live separately was a sacrifice in order to put our family in a better position. 

He accepted a new assignment and has struggled since being in this new location. Four months ago, he told me he no longer felt connected to me and wasn't sure he was still in love with me, and he felt more connected to the people he met up there (one woman in particular). It was all very intense, but we decided we would work on things. However, about a month ago he sent me a text telling me he went out with these friends, had a lot to drink, and he woke up next to a woman (not the one mentioned above) and they were both naked. Long story short, this woman is pregnant. He says he wasn't an active participant, that he was so drunk he doesn't remember the night, and this woman basically had her way with him.

I've know this man for about 15 years. We were dating about 10 years ago when he cheated on me with an ex and got her pregnant, and now he has done it again. I thought he'd changed, or else I would never would have married him. He feels like a victim, but I absolutely cannot go through this again and we are getting a divorce. I am partly blaming myself that we were even separated in the first place. If I'd never gone to law school, we wouldn't have been apart, and this never would have happened. Most days I don't want to even get out of bed, let alone do the amount of studying that's required in law school. A month ago, I was madly in love with my husband. Now, I'm a 35 year old student, soon to be divorced, with no biological children of my own. Have do I reconcile the fact that I'm still in love but getting divorced? How do I deal with the feelings of blaming myself? Any advice is appreciated.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My ex once told that divorce was like a death, and it's probably often true.

How do you get over it? Only time really. How much depending on each individual.

You get up every day and keep moving even though you don't feel like it.

The pain is almost unbearable and you do what you can to get through the day.
Some days are better than others. Some days are miserable.

Gradually, the pain eases. For me, a contemplative sort, I spent my off time walking, thinking, crying,
Trying to make sense of it all. Sense in a practical way (as in 'how did it happen') and in a a big picture,
Philosophical way (as in ' bad stuff happens to everyone).

Join a bereavement or other support group. It does help.

Eventually the pain eases, week by week, month by month. Time goes by.
One day you realize you can smile and laugh again and that life holds surprises you never thought possible.
It's not over.........you begin a new chapter


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Do not blame yourself. You made a joint decision to live apart for a better life. 

He, on the other hand, chose to live as a single guy, drink too much, and sleep around. Becoming attached to another woman is a choice. Twice getting someone pregnant--probably not ONS's ?? What about the morning-after pill choice?

He is not who you thought he was. Marriage takes more character and commitment than he possesses. Likely, he'd have 'done you dirty' eventually anyway--after all according to Mr. Blameless, it is someone else's fault......

Don't let your creeping time clock cause you to blow your law school sacrifices.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its not your fault in anyway except that you married a cheat who cheated again. No big surprise there really. A man like that will cheat whether you are living together or far apart. He also doesn't seem to have heard of birth control and will presumably now be paying out for another child for the next 18 years. 
Is that the man you would have wanted as a dad to your children? A man with no moral values or integrity? With no boundaries?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Serial cheater. Get IC and fix yourself.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Well...

One thing you do know..

The man is potent.
And if you ask he will tell you he is an "Impotent memba of da communty".

Having two babies with two women, yeah, he is ghetto slick.

He can make babies with his charm and his tool.
He cannot make a women happy, playing them for the fool.

He wanted you out of town, out of his hair so that he could play.
Play dumb.

Actually, he does not have to play, he is a natural. 
Uh, huh.

Before anyone says it, you are so lucky that you will soon be rid of him before you started your own family.

Luckily for you there are many more men out there who will not cheat.
Many men would be proud to have a barrister for a wife.

Your husband had his eye on bar stools and the plump ladies who sit on them.

In ten years you will have a new husband, a kid or two.

Him, he will have yet another bar floozie claiming he is her baby-daddy.

Those two babies he created will have their hands out and their diapers full, waiting for 'Daddy Dear' to pay up.
For eighteen years times two.

Your salary would be paying for that.
Ugh.


----------



## Downnotout (Nov 3, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Serial cheater. Get IC and fix yourself.


I'm currently looking for therapists I can afford. I guess part of me thought he would change for me. Unfortunately, it has taken something like this for me to accept that nothing I do will make him change.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It appears that you are a reasonably intelligent person as you are in law school. So while the emotions are still raw I hope you are able to process this rationally. First off being married for 4 years is not that long of a time. I do not know how long you have been apart or if you have children (you mentioned family). So subtract that time out of the four years. Then look at the reality that he was not taken advantage of, regardless of what he says. I am a man, and I can tell you if I was too drunk to remember it, I would have been to drunk to do it. While a woman might be able to just lay there and have it happen to her, The act of sex requires the man to assume an active role (at least so far as ejaculating). Which would have been very likely in order for her to have become pregnant from the act. So either he is lying or she was already pregnant and trying to blame him. Either way, the fact that this has happened recently and in the past, should be all the evidence you need to convince yourself that this schmuck has done you a huge favor. Take his gift of infidelity and run as far as you can from this guy. If you are to be blamed for anything, it was only to that you were too trusting. While no one can say for certain whether or not he would have cheated had you not chosen to go law school, the reality of it is that your decision to go to school had nothing to do with his actions. I am sorry this has happened to you. But do not blame yourself or second guess your self for what has happened.


----------



## Downnotout (Nov 3, 2018)

Thank you all for the input. If it were a family member or friend going through something similar, I would dispense the same advice. Somewhere along the way I began making excuses for his behavior because of his childhood (physical abuse, separation issues). I also bought into the idea that things were rarely his fault, it was always a result of what has happened to him. I would have never accepted this behavior from anyone else, but somehow he got his hooks in deep, and it's finally time to work on freeing myself.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Responses in bold below





Downnotout said:


> I'm currently looking for therapists I can afford.
> 
> *Therapists can either help or make thigs worse in cases like this. If you have a therapist that says you had no blame for his bad behavior and what he did with his junk and encourages you to live your own life to the fullest and reap the rewards of getting away from a f#(kwit that keeps knocking up other chicks, then it is probably money well spent.
> 
> ...


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

For a therapist, I would actually suggest a cross between the two types... yes, you need someone who will do the first ("If you have a therapist that says you had no blame for his bad behavior and what he did with his junk and encourages you to live your own life to the fullest and reap the rewards of getting away from a ****wit that keeps knocking up other chicks, then it is probably money well spent"). But... you also need a therapist who will help you work through the part of this whole quagmire that you are responsible for. No, you are not responsible or at fault for his cheating; however, you DID choose to commit your life to a cheater. Why would you choose a man who is not good mate material? That is the stuff you need to work through.

People whose life is full of stories about partners who cheated on them... for some reason, they keep choosing partners who are cheaters. Why are they making the same bad choice over and over again? Until they deal with the underlying reasons for their "broken picker" they will continue to make bad choices in mates.

As a part of the healing process and moving forward, you need to take a really hard look at yourself and why you chose to stay with this man after he cheated on you the first time 10 years ago. This is art of growing and learning how to live the best life that you can, so you can be better at doing YOU and find a better partner when you are ready.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You poor thing! That sucks! I don’t have anything more to add at this time but please do keep posting and seeking advice so we can support you. 

Welcome


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. A divorce is the right decision, but I know it is hard and hurts.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Downnotout said:


> If I'd never gone to law school, we wouldn't have been apart, and this never would have happened.


I wish I could pull this thought out of your head. It is false and toxic. He didn't cheat because you were apart. You could be spending all your time together and be the perfect companion and he would still cheat. Please, use all your strength to push these thoughts out of your mind. The blame falls squarely on him. 

I know it's tough to go through this, but you will likely look back one day and be glad you are no longer with him. One day when your head is clearer you will realize that your life with him would have been a series of these kinds of discoveries. You fell in love with whatever great qualities he had, but he also has these toxic ones. You're better off losing him now rather than years later when everything has taken a much bigger toll on you.


----------



## Downnotout (Nov 3, 2018)

FeministInPink, that is exactly why I'm seeking therapy. Others could see that I was making a bad choice, but I went with it anyway. I could have saved massive amounts of heartache if I had simply made a better choice.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Downnotout said:


> I'm currently looking for therapists I can afford.


There's no better price than free, and you just got it here:



oldshirt said:


> you have a therapist that says you had no blame for his bad behavior and what he did with his junk and encourages you to live your own life to the fullest and reap the rewards of getting away from a f#(kwit that keeps knocking up other chicks


This, above, is the only thing that a therapist can tell you which is true, and useful. All of the folderol about your childhood, what you did to make him "vulnerable", yada, yada, is not only worthless, it is false.



Downnotout said:


> I could have saved massive amounts of heartache if I had simply made a better choice.


See.....I like this free therapist.....you have, right here, come to the END of this matter. No further therapy will be required, nor will it be of any further benefit.

I learned all these things by paying money for therapists and books.... you can go from here with no further assistance. Your law-school will help you to navigate the means of how you get away from this selfish, entitled scoundrel owing him absolute bupkis.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@TJW I disagree that the childhood, etc. stuff is worthless. Sometimes the key to change is first understanding why we behave the way we do.

Some people can make changes without this knowledge, but I think they are rare. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

If your law school is attached in any way to an undergraduate school, the school usually provides free, confidential counseling. You might want to pursue this.

This is fresh for you and you are still second guessing. Many of us find we did not really know our spouses. This is often a shock to those of us with strong book sense and common sense on the back burner. Sucks, too.

What overruled your knowledge of his past? That is what you want to examine.


----------



## Downnotout (Nov 3, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> If your law school is attached in any way to an undergraduate school, the school usually provides free, confidential counseling. You might want to pursue this.
> 
> This is fresh for you and you are still second guessing. Many of us find we did not really know our spouses. This is often a shock to those of us with strong book sense and common sense on the back burner. Sucks, too.
> 
> What overruled your knowledge of his past? That is what you want to examine.


I've learned that my school offers three counseling sessions per semester to students, and I will be taking advantage. Yes, I am still second guessing myself, but I believe it's out of fear (of being alone). I've been asking myself over the past few weeks, why I let him back into my life after the first infidelity incident. If I'm being honest with myself, the answer is because I liked the way he made me feel when I was with him. When he was "good" he was really good. Charming, charismatic, out-going, life of the party, would give someone the shirt off his back, and was very attentive to my needs. Everyone loved him. He could make new friends with anyone, anywhere. I am generally more of an introvert, and it takes me longer to form new friendships. When I was with him, I felt like a more relaxed, adventurous person. 

I have been drilling into my head that those good qualities don't make up for the not so good ones. He would do things like disappear for days on end, and I would have no way of reaching him. When I asked him about it he would say he just didn't feel like talking to anyone (even his wife). Back in the summer, I was in a fender-bender and I called him to tell him about it, unbeknownst to me he was at the airport getting ready to leave the country, and he didn't tell me about it. I felt like he would make inappropriate relationships with other women (the irony). Fundamental differences began popping up, such as labels don't mean much to him (such as husband and wife). He would say things like, "I'm not a good person", or "I'm not worth it", I would chastise him for even thinking that way. I didn't know all of these things when we married, but they have come up, sometimes often, in our marriage. Though I was terrified of my marriage ending, when he told me about a possible pregnancy, for a split second, I hoped this woman was indeed pregnant. I knew that would be my out. I think back to many instances of my gut trying to tell me something, but I would bury it deep down somewhere because I was "in love"??? I think I was more in love with what our marriage could have been. I feel like I was trying to save him from himself, but that is not my responsbility.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Downnotout said:


> I've learned that my school offers three counseling sessions per semester to students, and I will be taking advantage. Yes, I am still second guessing myself, but I believe it's out of fear (of being alone). I've been asking myself over the past few weeks, why I let him back into my life after the first infidelity incident. If I'm being honest with myself, the answer is because I liked the way he made me feel when I was with him. When he was "good" he was really good. Charming, charismatic, out-going, life of the party, would give someone the shirt off his back, and was very attentive to my needs. Everyone loved him. He could make new friends with anyone, anywhere. I am generally more of an introvert, and it takes me longer to form new friendships. When I was with him, I felt like a more relaxed, adventurous person.
> 
> I have been drilling into my head that those good qualities don't make up for the not so good ones. He would do things like disappear for days on end, and I would have no way of reaching him. When I asked him about it he would say he just didn't feel like talking to anyone (even his wife). Back in the summer, I was in a fender-bender and I called him to tell him about it, unbeknownst to me he was at the airport getting ready to leave the country, and he didn't tell me about it. I felt like he would make inappropriate relationships with other women (the irony). Fundamental differences began popping up, such as labels don't mean much to him (such as husband and wife). He would say things like, "I'm not a good person", or "I'm not worth it", I would chastise him for even thinking that way. I didn't know all of these things when we married, but they have come up, sometimes often, in our marriage. Though I was terrified of my marriage ending, when he told me about a possible pregnancy, for a split second, I hoped this woman was indeed pregnant. I knew that would be my out. I think back to many instances of my gut trying to tell me something, but I would bury it deep down somewhere because I was "in love"??? I think I was more in love with what our marriage could have been. I feel like I was trying to save him from himself, but that is not responsbility.


Sounds like you have learned a lot during this faux marriage. Again marriage for you to Mr. Charm (I've been there), and single life for him--disappearing geesh... You certainly have an OUT whether or not one of his APs is pregnant. Take it now, please. You don't love who he actually is, but who you hoped he would be. You deserve better.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Downnotout said:


> *I've learned that my school offers three counseling sessions per semester to students, and I will be taking advantage. * Yes, I am still second guessing myself, but I believe it's out of fear (of being alone). I've been asking myself over the past few weeks, why I let him back into my life after the first infidelity incident. If I'm being honest with myself, the answer is because I liked the way he made me feel when I was with him. When he was "good" he was really good. Charming, charismatic, out-going, life of the party, would give someone the shirt off his back, and was very attentive to my needs. Everyone loved him. He could make new friends with anyone, anywhere. I am generally more of an introvert, and it takes me longer to form new friendships. When I was with him, I felt like a more relaxed, adventurous person.
> 
> I have been drilling into my head that those good qualities don't make up for the not so good ones. He would do things like disappear for days on end, and I would have no way of reaching him. When I asked him about it he would say he just didn't feel like talking to anyone (even his wife). Back in the summer, I was in a fender-bender and I called him to tell him about it, unbeknownst to me he was at the airport getting ready to leave the country, and he didn't tell me about it. I felt like he would make inappropriate relationships with other women (the irony). Fundamental differences began popping up, such as labels don't mean much to him (such as husband and wife). He would say things like, "I'm not a good person", or "I'm not worth it", I would chastise him for even thinking that way. I didn't know all of these things when we married, but they have come up, sometimes often, in our marriage. Though I was terrified of my marriage ending, when he told me about a possible pregnancy, for a split second, I hoped this woman was indeed pregnant. I knew that would be my out. I think back to many instances of my gut trying to tell me something, but I would bury it deep down somewhere because I was "in love"??? I think I was more in love with what our marriage could have been. I feel like I was trying to save him from himself, but that is not my responsbility.


In regards to the bolded above, they may likely also be able to recommend affordable ongoing counseling options, so please be sure to inquire about that.

One of the things that I noticed when I was going through my divorce several years ago was that I was having many conflicting thoughts and emotions. You have to figure out for yourself what is TRUE (and better for you), and what is coming from self-doubt and pain. While the pain is valid, and you need to acknowledge your hurt, the negative self-talk is not valid... and the negative self-talk comes from older, deeper wounds that have never truly healed. To recover from this, you'll need to work through both the new pain and these older wounds.

The thing about negative self-talk is... if you repeat it enough, it becomes true, and you don't want that. You mentioned that your H has said things like _I'm not a good person_ and _I'm not worth it_, and because he believed this negative self-talk, he made it come true. He has made decisions that have reinforced the negative self-talk. And now, you can see that he's not a good person. And he's not worth it. People who have a negative self-image tend to live DOWN to their negative self-image... and people with a positive self-image tend to live UP to their positive self-image.

You tried to reassure him that he was a good person, that he WAS worth it, but you can't fix another person. If that other person doesn't have their own motivation for changing, they never will, no matter what you say or do. So focus on you instead. 

You liked the way you felt with him, like it gave you more confidence, etc. But why do you need him? He didn't fix you. He doesn't get to take credit for making you "more"... if you were better with him (whatever your definition of "better" is), then YOU did that. You can do that without him, too. You just need to believe in yourself.


----------



## Downnotout (Nov 3, 2018)

FeministInPink said:


> The thing about negative self-talk is... if you repeat it enough, it becomes true, and you don't want that. You mentioned that your H has said things like _I'm not a good person_ and _I'm not worth it_, and because he believed this negative self-talk, he made it come true. He has made decisions that have reinforced the negative self-talk. And now, you can see that he's not a good person. And he's not worth it. People who have a negative self-image tend to live DOWN to their negative self-image... and people with a positive self-image tend to live UP to their positive self-image.
> 
> You tried to reassure him that he was a good person, that he WAS worth it, but you can't fix another person. If that other person doesn't have their own motivation for changing, they never will, no matter what you say or do. So focus on you instead.
> 
> You liked the way you felt with him, like it gave you more confidence, etc. But why do you need him? He didn't fix you. He doesn't get to take credit for making you "more"... if you were better with him (whatever your definition of "better" is), then YOU did that. You can do that without him, too. You just need to believe in yourself.


I truly feel as if he is someone that self-sabotages, though he feels like this situation wasn't self-sabotage (because he's the victim). One of the hardest things for me so far is caring about myself first. Even when I told him I wanted a divorce, I was more concerned about how he was dealing with everything. I spent so much time during our relationship ensuring him that I wouldn't be like everyone else that has hurt or abandoned him, that I actually felt a little guilty. How strange is that? I'm trying to figure out how to care about him as another human being, to love him from afar. It's difficult, especially today, on what would have been our fourth wedding anniversary.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Downnotout said:


> I truly feel as if he is someone that self-sabotages, though he feels like this situation wasn't self-sabotage (because he's the victim). One of the hardest things for me so far is caring about myself first. Even when I told him I wanted a divorce, I was more concerned about how he was dealing with everything. I spent so much time during our relationship ensuring him that I wouldn't be like everyone else that has hurt or abandoned him, that I actually felt a little guilty. How strange is that? I'm trying to figure out how to care about him as another human being, to love him from afar. It's difficult, especially today, on what would have been our fourth wedding anniversary.



You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong in asking for a divorce. He was the one who cheated on you. He didn't communicate with you about the problems in your marriage so you could work on them together before they became insurmountable, he let things fester and then he cheated on you and got another woman pregnant. You are completely justified in asking for a divorce, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

How he is dealing/handling all this isn't your responsibility, either. He dug this hole, he brought this on himself. Focus on YOU. Care about YOU. Because YOU are your first responsibility. If you don't take care of you, who will? Not him, that's for sure. Was he thinking about how you would feel when he screwed another woman? Nope! He was thinking about himself, and nothing else.

You didn't abandon him. HE abandoned YOU and your marriage.


----------



## Downnotout (Nov 3, 2018)

Experiencing a major emotional setback today. Husband appeared to collect his belongings. I was hoping I would feel indifferent, if anything. Instead, watching him rummage about and pack his things was extremely sad. The tears had stopped, but now they're back. I wish I could say I held it together in front of him, but I didn't. This led to sharing regrets and fears about our futures. He's gone now and I'm back to feeling sad. It feels like I've lost some of the progress I was making. I know there's no set timeline for the sadness to end. Today is just a difficult day.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry you are struggling today. I think it would have been a wise move to have packed his crap up yourself and just had him pick it up outside. Your sadness is very normal, but hopefully it moves aside soon so that anger can take its place. Anger can be a really helpful emotion that helps you move forward and view your marriage realistically. Keep posting here, this is a good place to vent to people who know where you're at with things.


----------

