# Discussing a Healing Type Separation



## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Apologies on the length!

My wife and I have been married almost 16 years, we have two kids (12 and 8). I work full-time and she works part-time/temporary due to some health issues. 

I’d say I’ve been kind of cruising through life — my job and the burdens of carrying the health benefits, vast majority of finances, doing a disproportionate share of the housekeeping, and all of the outside maintenance, really leaves me very little time to focus on much else. She has health issues, and a big part of my life has been moving, getting her the right medical care, making sure she’s good. Overall I thought things were fine.

During Covid there was definitely a period where I drank more than I should have (nothing highly abusive, but a few almost every night), wasn’t in a great mood a lot of the time, and was just in a general “funk”. I started seeing a therapist and feel like I‘m in a good place.

The last 6 months have been extremely hard for my wife and I. She started seeing her own therapist and has basically said the time during Covid was rough and frayed her nerves, gave her anxiety. But bigger picture it’s made her look back and feel like our relationship has never been healthy. Lots of looking back and self discovery for her.

So this brings us to today — we’re early into meeting with a couples therapist, and she’s decided a temporary separation is the only way she can get the space to grow and recover herself. The two of us being together, doing the same routines, etc. — is just resulting in way too much tension, arguments, anxiety. She’s adamant she doesn’t want a divorce. She wants us to be together in a healthy marriage, but just doesn’t even know what that looks like because she doesn’t even have herself sorted right now.

I want to give her what she wants. I love her. I do not believe we’ve ”never had a healthy relationship.”. It feels like there’s a lot of looking back, analyzing, even distortion of memories or the way things were. But it’s true to her and it’s what she’s feeling. In some ways it feels like I’m going to have to let go to even hope of keeping our marriage long-term.

Financially any kind of separate housing is going to put a burden on us. We could get through it for 6 months, but it will leave us with a depleted safety net. I’ve read about nesting, getting a separate apartment where we switch off weekly or whatever, and that seems like the most realistic option. Above all else, I do not want our kids disrupted. 

Just seeking some advice, maybe some experiences. Separation of any kind is scary to me. I don’t want a divorce. Just feeling very sad, but also trying to accept this might be what’s needed. It doesn’t seem like there is much of another alternative.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

To add, there’s a definite part of me that thinks she’s never grasped the full financial, mental, physical burden I take on with our family. I think I’m most worried that a separation might actually result in her just enjoying the freedom, the no compromise aspect, while not having any more real appreciation for my part in our marriage. She’s started talking with a (happily married) ex-boyfriend. They’ve both admitted they’ve always loved each other, but in more of a “always will be in my heart” way. Still, it seems like that’s the aspect she’s missing or trying to fill, while dismissing or just taking for granted what I bring to the table. 

That’s why I think it’s paramount that she experiences tIme with the kids, the house, alone. She can’t physically cut the grass, do a lot of manual labor (she can do laundry, dishes, etc), so I’m still going to need to maintain our marital home. Just trying to think about what a healthy, healing separation might look like.

UPDATE EDIT: 
Boy, I’d love to say you all were wrong, but nope. She went to visit her “parents” anyway, saying she just needed time away. We had a great two days before, got intimate, etc, Left, visited lots of friends. Met the Ex for breakfast which she was transparent about. Now that she’s home, she’s still talking possible separation, has been very secretive. Found a text from him first thing this morning that said “Hi Sexy! Been thinking about you of course.” They’re texting basically every chance. So yeah, full blown EA that very possibly went physical already.

At this point just trying to figure out my moves. I haven’t let on that I know anything for sure. Just trying to get my ducks in a row before I tell her to move the **** out.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TimJ37 said:


> Apologies on the length!
> 
> My wife and I have been married almost 16 years, we have two kids (12 and 8). I work full-time and she works part-time/temporary due to some health issues.
> 
> ...


I have a few parallels in my marriage so I can relate to a lot of this.

2 things I would say.
Separation is not for healing a marriage. It's a step toward divorce, or it's to try out other people without disruption. Do not separate.

Next, you seem like a nice guy, maybe too nice. Grab a copy of "Married Man Sex Life Primer" and read it. Reading and learning from that book helped my relationship greatly. Just be smart about it.

Also:
"I need space" is a huge red flag for infidelity. Be aware and keep your eyes open.
"We've never had a healthy relationship" (rewriting the past) is a red flag for infidelity. Be aware and keep your eyes open.

How is your sex life? Any changes recently?

Therapy seems like the right thing so jump into that, but make sure it's not a blame-fest. Dig into why she feels disconnected now.

Best of luck to you Tim.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your wife is giving away emotions to another man and if you believe she isn’t going to try and capitalize on that while living alone in her play house that you will be paying for then you are just sticking your head in the sand.

Separations are for working on divorce…not marriage.

One of the enormous mistakes you are making is that you believe everything you have done and supported in the past counts as bonus points for her love in the present. It doesn’t work like that and she is already disconnecting.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You fix what is wrong in a marriage by working together. You don't go off by yourself to find yourself. She wants you to finance her life while she does whatever. A trial separation will not help anything. Work together or get a divorce. There is no middle ground.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would very clear with your wife that she better step up and think about getting a full time job because you will not be supporting her carefree lifestyle....frankly it is rare to see where separation works on making a marraige stronger and i think that the thearpist should have known that...i would tell your wife it's either we work at this marriage together or we go our separate ways permanmently. i would not roll over on this at all...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Marriages rarely survive separations, based on what I've seen. You need to go into the detective mode. This relationship with an ex-boyfriend (lover?) is disrespectful and unacceptable. If she will "always love" him, she should have married him.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TimJ37 said:


> To add, there’s a definite part of me that thinks she’s never grasped the full financial, mental, physical burden I take on with our family. I think I’m most worried that a separation might actually result in her just enjoying the freedom, the no compromise aspect, while not having any more real appreciation for my part in our marriage. *She’s started talking with a (happily married) ex-boyfriend. They’ve both admitted they’ve always loved each other*, but in more of a “always will be in my heart” way. Still, it seems like that’s the aspect she’s missing or trying to fill, while dismissing or just taking for granted what I bring to the table.
> 
> That’s why I think it’s paramount that she experiences tIme with the kids, the house, alone. She can’t physically cut the grass, do a lot of manual labor (she can do laundry, dishes, etc), so I’m still going to need to maintain our marital home. Just trying to think about what a healthy, healing separation might look like.


I missed comment this the first time around.

Yea, this is not good.
She's having an emotional affair at a minimum and wants to make herself available for more. Or already has been physical and wants the ex back in her life on a more regular basis plowing the field so-to-speak.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Echoing everyone else. Separations are the first step to divorce. Being apart is not going to bring you closer together. Add to that the fact that she is already cheating on you with the ex. No wife, IMO, should be talking to an ex on a personal level. As soon as she has her own space she will be pursuing him hard. If you don't get a handle on this quickly your marriage is over.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I missed the BF part too. Separation is not about finding herself. It's about hooking up with him. If she is unwilling to kick him fully out of her life -- no calls, no social media, no nothing, your marriage is doomed.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You can’t compete with a ghost of boyfriend past. She has that fantasy all stirred up in her head.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I agree completely with the others, and I can’t believe you don’t appear at all suspicious about her relationship with this ex. And make no mistake, it’s a relationship. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, while you foot the bill. Come back in 6 months and read these posts, and you’ll see. You have children together. You need to man up and put your foot down. There should be no separation. It’s one of the other. Do you seriously think there will be no sistruption to the kids if you two rotate in and out of the house? How selfish of both of you. Either pull off the bandaid now or tell her there will be no separation. She is playing you because she knows she can. I apologize for the harshness, but you need to hear it and really, really think about things in the ways that your avoiding because you’re full of “hopium.”


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> You fix what is wrong in a marriage by working together. You don't go off by yourself to find yourself. She wants you to finance her life while she does whatever. A trial separation will not help anything. Work together or get a divorce. There is no middle ground.


Listen to this advice…100% true.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

If your couples therapist thinks this is a good idea, you need a new therapist. Now.

DO NOT allow a separation, period.
A separation is only a way to

ease into a divorce at her convenience, and/or
try out another man/men.
Do not allow a separation. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation.
She’s either your wife or she’s not. Do not tolerate anything in between.
If she insists she needs a separation to figure things out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.
If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, respond accordingly.
You need to act immediately in your own best interest.

And why is she talking to an ex-boyfriend that were/are in love? WTF?
“He’s happily married” = nothing.
That’s not appropriate or acceptable. Is your couples therapist ok with that too?
Why are you tolerating that?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I missed comment this the first time around.
> 
> Yea, this is not good.
> She's having an emotional affair at a minimum and wants to make herself available for more. Or already has been physical and wants the ex back in her life on a more regular basis plowing the field so-to-speak.


Oh, woah. I did not see that either. It is no coincidence she wants time to live apart AND that she is talking to an ex-boyfriend. Not an accident....


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your relationship sounds like you’re your wife’s dad or caretaker. I think it’s noble to want to do so much because of her health issues, but sounds like she is taking advantage of you. She’s talking to another guy. Asking for a separation. And lemme guess - you’re still expected to do everything as if you lived there. OP, seek legal advice and start thinking about what you want out of life and a partner. Just reading all you do, I’m surprised you aren’t struggling with health issues.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

There’s an old saying…out of the house, out of the marriage.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

So basically you did this:


TimJ37 said:


> my job and the burdens of carrying the health benefits, vast majority of finances, doing a disproportionate share of the housekeeping, and all of the outside maintenance, really leaves me very little time to focus on much else. She has health issues, and a big part of my life has been moving, getting her the right medical care, making sure she’s good. Overall I thought things were fine.


So you have been taking care of her for all those you, then she pulls the rug from under you:


TimJ37 said:


> we’re early into meeting with a couples therapist, and *she’s decided a temporary separation* is the only way she can get the space to grow and recover herself. The two of us being together, doing the same routines, etc.


Then she does this:


TimJ37 said:


> She’s started talking with a (happily married) ex-boyfriend. They’ve both admitted they’ve always loved each other, but in more of a “always will be in my heart” way


That's your problem right there!
She wants space to be free in doing other activities!
Your wife is having an emotional affair and might take it to the next level and you're focusing on logistics, I mean... WTF!!!

Continue catering and being the way you are, and she will destroy your family after depleting your safety net!
Don't cater for this crap, and most importantly don't believe a word she says about her ex-boyfriend who is "Happily Married" or he is "Just a Friend", you're a man and YOU should know better!

Don't be a doormat!
Don't be a chump!
Don't be a SIMP!
Don't be passive!

Put your foot down, no separation because that will not work, certainly not when she is having an emotional affair, either she stays and fixes the marriage or you will divorce her!
And tell her any texting with other men you will kick her to the curb, and will serve her with divorce papers!

Hundreds of stories like this, and we know how it all ended when the husband was afraid to put their foot down!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

How close does the boyfriend live? Can you go and talk to him face to face?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TimJ37 said:


> I don’t want a divorce.


You may not want a divorce, but separation will get you a divorce... most likely. That's the normal outcome. The reality is that it doesn't matter if you want or not a divorce. what it matters is what/where she is at with this. All you can do is either accelerate the process, or stay paralyzed in "hopium" until she dumps you. Just the fact that as she's asking you for a separation, you're finding out that she's talking to an ex that lives in her heart is more than sufficient to give you a glimpse into things to come as she's "separated".

Don't be a fool. For all we know she might be completed in the up and up, and everything is kosher. But that doesn't mean that you have to stay there, just waiting in the wings like a puppy. Start getting your ducks in a row. If you haven't already, you need to consult wit a lawyer to find out where you legally stand. Be prepared because she's way, way ahead of you. If she's telling you all this now in counseling, then she's been preparing for awhile. You in the other hand seem so afraid that can't see the forest for the trees. And of course, if she wants a separation, force her to finance it herself. Why should you be such a fool to carry the financial burden for her? and please, do not tell me that it's because you love her, because you loving her have nothing to do with the situation.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

So some more info. 

Ex lives 6 hours away. 

The therapist hasn’t signed off on any of the ex-boyfriend stuff. She also doesn’t know about the separation. My wife just wants to discuss it next session.

Honestly, I know this is wrong and I’m getting taking advantage of.

I think my big fear here is I will get absolutely reamed in a divorce. She’s on disability with lots of medical bills, I’m a high earning business professional. If we get divorced I’ll likely be living in a freaking cardboard box while she’s doing fine. 

She also likes to inflate/distort that I’ve abused alcohol and been verbally abusive causing her mental anguish.

With spousal and child support, just seems like I’d be all but destitute.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TimJ37 said:


> So some more info.
> 
> Ex lives 6 hours away.
> 
> ...


So you are choosing to let finances dictate your choice. Why are you even here then. As the saying goes, you need to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. If you aren't willing to walk away for being mistreated she will see that and continue. If she sees she can't walk all over you she may still leave, but she may also come to her senses and realize she needs you.

6 hours or not, she is cheating on you simply by talking to him and reminiscing about how they will always be in love. She's likely complaining about you to him as well. Why do you feel you deserve that kind of treatment?

ETA: rest assured her asking for a separation was completely triggered by her reconnecting with that ex.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you talked to a lawyer? What does child & spousal support look like in your State and situation? 

Make no mistake - if you allow this separation, you'll most likely end up divorced. That may be her plan anyway.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

TimJ37 said:


> I think my big fear here is I will get absolutely reamed in a divorce. She’s on disability with lots of medical bills, I’m a high earning business professional. If we get divorced I’ll likely be living in a freaking cardboard box while she’s doing fine.
> 
> She also likes to inflate/distort that I’ve abused alcohol and been verbally abusive causing her mental anguish.
> 
> With spousal and child support, just seems like I’d be all but destitute.


I would talk to a lawyer and tell him/her this and let them tell you how it would likely play out. 

Hate to say it, but you’re headed to a divorce either way.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She is having an emotional affair.

I was wondering it in your initial post but then your 2nd post confirmed it.

She's re-writing history to justify her feelings for him.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TimJ37 said:


> So some more info.
> 
> Ex lives 6 hours away.
> 
> ...


All of these people (including me) are telling you that she is having an emotional affair, and preparing to leave to try out the ex.

If you do nothing about it, then she will leave you.

If you try to talk her out of it (pick-me dance), she will leave you.

If you get all her passwords and start checking the phone, etc... she will take the affair further underground and then she will leave you.

If you file for divorce and accept your fate, she _might_ feel the shock of that and repent. Maybe. But even then she might still leave you.

There's not a winning formula here OP.
You're gonna take a hit, she's already decided and moving for the other guy.
The only hope is to go on offense and shock some sense into her.
By then you may decide she's not worth it anyway.
Talk to your lawyer.
Give her what she wants.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

I just went through this…pretty close to the same thing. Go read my thread called emotional connection.

Separation will not save your marriage. You are being used as an option while she tests the waters out. Do not separate or if you do start the divorce because that’s where it’s going.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Higherpath12 said:


> I just went through this…pretty close to the same thing. Go read my thread called emotional connection.
> 
> Separation will not save your marriage. You are being used as an option while she tests the waters out. Do not separate or if you do start the divorce because that’s where it’s going.


Thanks that’s definitely how I feel.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Yeah her wanting to get her own place only means one thing - test drive new d**k. Screw that man. If it were me I would tell her "if you want to work on our marriage, then you need to live here in the same house and work on our problems together. If you move out then I will be filing for divorce tomorrow". It has to be a strong statement and you have to mean it. You have been showing up for the family for a long time, but in the process you have lost your balls and the respect of your wife. Get your balls back.

I want to tell you that at this point there is no guarantee that your marriage will be saved. She's talking to an old ex and she wants to move out to her own place. Major red flags that would have me me personally contacting divorce attorneys ASAP.

It was mentioned on your thread that you sound like a 'nice guy'. I would agree with that. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, and the already mentioned "Married Man Sex Life Primer".

I don't want to hijack your thread, but I have been almost exactly where you're at. My previous marriage ended. I am remarried now to an awesome woman, and things are really good. There is life after divorce. You need to find the strength to be ok with either outcome. That will put you in a position of power.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You better get your ducks in a row & start marshalling your witnesses / evidence because you are going to get screwed in a divorce if she is too sick to support herself. Is she receiving Social Security Disability benefits? If not, she's not too sick to work. So have your lawyer hire an employability expert to combat her claims of being unable to work.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You better get your ducks in a row & start marshalling your witnesses / evidence because you are going to get screwed in a divorce if she is too sick to support herself. Is she receiving Social Security Disability benefits? If not, she's not too sick to work. So have your lawyer hire an employability expert to combat her claims of being unable to work.


She is. It’s open and shut, zero chance she’d be able to work fully. And yes, I fully understand I’m going to get screwed. That’s my concern.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

She is. It’s open and shut, zero chance she’d be able to work fully. There’s very real questions about even how long her remaining lifespan will be. And yes, I fully understand I’m going to get screwed. That’s my concern.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TimJ37 said:


> So some more info.
> 
> Ex lives 6 hours away.
> 
> ...


Unless, you've been told the above by a family law attorney, you're just making assumptions out of fear. 

What are you waiting for to have a consultation with 1-2 lawyers? This is the first thing in your agenda, immediately.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TimJ37 said:


> She is. It’s open and shut, zero chance she’d be able to work fully. There’s very real questions about even how long her remaining lifespan will be. And yes, I fully understand I’m going to get screwed. That’s my concern.


You’re going to get screwed far worse if you sit by and passively and let this happen and let her control the situation.
You need to take control of the situation and drive it to its conclusion, whichever way it goes.
The best way to come out of this situation (whichever way it ends up) with your sanity, dignity, self-respect and least-destructive financial situation, is for you to take control and operate from a position of strength.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

OK well at least she's not faking a disability. 

The best way to protect yourself is get your ducks in a row.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

I think it's already over for you. Without tipping her off first, get yourself a lawyer and file for divorce. Let her get a job and pay her own medical bills. This need not be your problem any longer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TimJ37 said:


> To add, there’s a definite part of me that thinks she’s never grasped the full financial, mental, physical burden I take on with our family. I think I’m most worried that a separation might actually result in her just enjoying the freedom, the no compromise aspect, while not having any more real appreciation for my part in our marriage. She’s started talking with a (happily married) ex-boyfriend. They’ve both admitted they’ve always loved each other, but in more of a “always will be in my heart” way. Still, it seems like that’s the aspect she’s missing or trying to fill, while dismissing or just taking for granted what I bring to the table.
> 
> That’s why I think it’s paramount that she experiences tIme with the kids, the house, alone. She can’t physically cut the grass, do a lot of manual labor (she can do laundry, dishes, etc), so I’m still going to need to maintain our marital home. Just trying to think about what a healthy, healing separation might look like.


You can’t really be this naive.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TimJ37 said:


> So some more info.
> 
> Ex lives 6 hours away.
> 
> ...


That’s EXACTLY where you’re going to be, your wife has figured this out, and you’re screwed.

So get yourself an attorney, get divorced, and start living like a man that is worth more than a disabled cheater that is nothing but an anchor around your neck, has never contributed squat, and has the hots for everyone but you.
You’ll get more love in a cardboard box than you get with her. 

wake the heck up dude. See an attorney. She wants space. Translation: she wants to screw other men without you around and if you find out, excuse it as “we were separated”.

you are being played like a Strativarius


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Ask your wife if her space to grow and recover includes having wild monkey sex with Dream-lover in the apartment she wants you to provide for her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nope, no separation. You do not solve marriage problems apart, you come together and work to rebuild. You need to make it clear to your wife that you will not tolerate a separation. If she wants to separate then you will file for divorce.

You will take a hit financially OP, that's inevitable. You need to remember that even if you go along with her plan, and agree not to divorce, there's nothing to stop her filing anyway. To save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it.

And as for the ex bf, that bs stops NOW.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I'm a firm believer in nothing good comes from working on "us" separately. Work on it together, no need to move out... moving out leads to what you're dreading already before it even gets there.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Yeah, unfortunately it seems like this is rapidly coming to a conclusion. My wife sprung on me that she’s going to visit her parents. Yep, you guessed it, they live in the same town as the Ex. I asked if she’d be visiting with him and she said most likely. I confronted her, said she’s having an emotional affair, to which she basically agreed. I put my foot down, me or him and she’s basically now saying how unfair this is. She’s saying he’s always been a special person in her life and it’s just a very strong friendship. Stronger than she has with any of her girlfriends. She says she wants to reconnect before she dies and it’s so unfair I’d keep her from this friendship she so badly needs right now. So basically we’re at the crossroads. She won’t be an adult about this. Knows deep down it’s inappropriate, but still trying to spin it as me being way too neurotic and over analyzing. Denying her a lifelong friend when she might not have much time left. Seems pretty clear to me that she values their link more than me or our family right now. She’s offered to cut it off “if I want” but it’s clear she will resent that. She showed me a text asking if she could meet the Ex’s wife and he responded with “Uhhh—maybe. Not sure she’d be cool with that.” Yet that still isn’t a red flag for her. There are nuances here, but bottom line she won’t make the choice him or me. It sucks it got here, but looks like I’ll be visiting the attorney next week.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TimJ37 said:


> Yeah, unfortunately it seems like this is rapidly coming to a conclusion. My wife sprung on me that she’s going to visit her parents. Yep, you guessed it, they live in the same town as the Ex. I asked if she’d be visiting with him and she said most likely. I confronted her, said she’s having an emotional affair, to which she basically agreed. I put my foot down, me or him and she’s basically now saying how unfair this is. She’s saying he’s always been a special person in her life and it’s just a very strong friendship. Stronger than she has with any of her girlfriends. She says she wants to reconnect before she dies and it’s so unfair I’d keep her from this friendship she so badly needs right now. So basically we’re at the crossroads. She won’t be an adult about this. Knows deep down it’s inappropriate, but still trying to spin it as me being way too neurotic and over analyzing. Denying her a lifelong friend when she might not have much time left. Seems pretty clear to me that she values their link more than me or our family right now. She’s offered to cut it off “if I want” but it’s clear she will resent that. She showed me a text asking if she could meet the Ex’s wife and he responded with “Uhhh—maybe. Not sure she’d be cool with that.” Yet that still isn’t a red flag for her. There are nuances here, but bottom line she won’t make the choice him or me. It sucks it got here, but looks like I’ll be visiting the attorney next week.


Just let her go. The alcohol and being verbally abusive are just an excuse. My wife did the same. It will hurt, but you don't want to keep your wife on your house like a prisoner. That's not going to work. She detached from you ages ago and now she is ready to leave you. The damage is done.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TimJ37 said:


> Yeah, unfortunately it seems like this is rapidly coming to a conclusion. My wife sprung on me that she’s going to visit her parents. Yep, you guessed it, they live in the same town as the Ex. I asked if she’d be visiting with him and she said most likely. I confronted her, said she’s having an emotional affair, to which she basically agreed. I put my foot down, me or him and she’s basically now saying how unfair this is. She’s saying he’s always been a special person in her life and it’s just a very strong friendship. Stronger than she has with any of her girlfriends. She says she wants to reconnect before she dies and it’s so unfair I’d keep her from this friendship she so badly needs right now. So basically we’re at the crossroads. She won’t be an adult about this. Knows deep down it’s inappropriate, but still trying to spin it as me being way too neurotic and over analyzing. Denying her a lifelong friend when she might not have much time left. Seems pretty clear to me that she values their link more than me or our family right now. She’s offered to cut it off “if I want” but it’s clear she will resent that. She showed me a text asking if she could meet the Ex’s wife and he responded with “Uhhh—maybe. Not sure she’d be cool with that.” Yet that still isn’t a red flag for her. There are nuances here, but bottom line she won’t make the choice him or me. It sucks it got here, but looks like I’ll be visiting the attorney next week.


I’m sorry to hear this Tim. I am glad to hear that she fessed up, not many do that.
If she goes, let her go. And let her go to her parents permenantly.

Now it gets hard. You have to accept what you know is the truth.
By not choosing you, she’s choosing him.

Get a little angry and detach detach detach.
Let the anger keep you focused on taking the steps needed to get this stranger out of your life.
Your wife let your marriage a long time ago. This person is someone else’s.

Get to that attorney and follow their advice.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Yeah it sucks, because (per the usual), she’s making this out to be my choice. I told her if you go, then don’t come back. She again forces it as “that’s the choice you’re making for us”. Finally she said she wants to see her parents, but will cut off correspondence and will not see him when she’s down there. But then of course, she pouts and sulks, says she’s not happy about it and ”I should probably cancel our date night because it isn’t going to go well.” I think the hardest part is I still love her. But the truth of the matter is from my view: if the choice is that difficult for her and leaves her with that much unhappiness and resentment, then she’s already made the real choice about what is most important in her mind. Everything else is just her trying to justify that it isn’t her fault. All the while walking back that this isn’t really an emotional affair, it’s just a really deep friendship and no one else can understand.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

And yes, I agree on the detaching. It’s very clear she wants me to just ”leave it up to her, trust her”. I’ve told her she’s a grown woman and she can make her own decisions. But don’t think for one second you’ll come back and things will be fine. This is your choice. She’s just not scared and that’s obvious. She‘s pouting, acting out, and making things ****ty because she’s not getting what she wants. And again the real issue is the last part. She has no real fear over losing me or her family. She has fear over losing her Ex. And that’s all.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

How 'convenient' that she wants SO badly to visit her parents.

I'm sure her intentions are OH so pure.

Call the lawyer.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Will she funding her trip to mommy and daddy's house? I wouldn't pay one plugged nickel toward it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are not at a crossroads. You are at a stop sign and it is time to get off the bus. She has made her position clear. Unfortunately you have made it sound like you will accept her behavior if she “just doesn’t go”. That is a very bad move. In essence you have told her she can spit in your face as long as you can wipe it off after. You will never ever compete with exboyfriend. She wants him so bad she can taste it and could care less about everything else. Pull the trigger…. It’s done.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Yeah, can’t disagree. Today is a full-court press on her saying how wrong I am and if I only knew what this really was. I’ve sent her a million articles on emotional affairs, every one addressing exactly what this is. And yet the response is still just justify, justify, you’re wrong. In between she will get heated and lob insults. I’m done. Yeah maybe this is all as utterly deceitful so are saying. Maybe she really is just this blind or unwilling to face the truth. Either way, it has to end.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Never want someone that doesn’t want you back. That’s just a black hole


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tim,
Are least you are seeing things in reality now. You immediately realized that she was going to her parents meant that she was going to see her ex. Seeing reality is the first step.
She absolutely has detached from you and ALL of her emotions and future plans revolve around her ex. You could inform her ex’s wife and it would likely f up her routine, but you are CORRECTLY seeing that even if that happened, her feelings for you are long since gone and that wouldn’t bring them back. I personally would be very angry at her, I’d tell her ex’s spouse and screw up that relationship. Half for revenge on my wife, 1/4 for her AP’s disrespect for you, and 1/4 because the ex’s spouse deserves to know.
HOWEVER, I’d also absolutely divorce her. Because she will never have strong feelings for you again. They’re gone, transferred to another man and even if the feelings die for him, they won’t suddenly grow for you.

I’m very sorry, but I think you’re seeing this for what it is, and that will help you finally detach and move on so you have a chance to be lived again by someone else. If people realized that every second they’re allowing their emotions to direct their mind to someone else, they’re killing the feelings they have for their spouse, maybe they’d rethink even allowing themselves to let their thoughts dwell on someone else. Jesus was of course 100% correct that committing adultery behind in the mind, not in the physical act.

I am wishing you luck and want to say that we all have been there and know how painful this is for you. Hoping you can get through this with as little pain as possible. But it’s like amputating your own gangrenous leg.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

A fool leaves a good person to test the water to see if there’s anyone better. The bigger fool welcomes them back.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

TimJ37 said:


> To add, there’s a definite part of me that thinks she’s never grasped the full financial, mental, physical burden I take on with our family. I think I’m most worried that a separation might actually result in her just enjoying the freedom, the no compromise aspect, while not having any more real appreciation for my part in our marriage. She’s started talking with a (happily married) ex-boyfriend. They’ve both admitted they’ve always loved each other, but in more of a “always will be in my heart” way. Still, it seems like that’s the aspect she’s missing or trying to fill, while dismissing or just taking for granted what I bring to the table.
> 
> That’s why I think it’s paramount that she experiences tIme with the kids, the house, alone. She can’t physically cut the grass, do a lot of manual labor (she can do laundry, dishes, etc), so I’m still going to need to maintain our marital home. Just trying to think about what a healthy, healing separation might look like.


Ok, so reading what you've said, I have some commentary as well.
So oddly enough, our marriages, in a fashion, parallel. Obviously I've been married longer, we have been going to similar events as yours. My wife, over years has had issue after issue with her health. I had to take on the duties of all outside maintenance at the home. I actually do 80% of all the house work inside as well. I started it 4 years ago due to serious anger and resentment issues. She finally started seeing a therapist as well, then we entered into mc.wgile our therapist is good at ic, I think she lacks seriously at mc and it's frustrating to both of us.
Like about 32 years ago she had an ea. I have no idea exactly how it lasted. Was in the military and gone a lot. 24 years ago, I had an ea. She has been so devastated by it to this day, yet didn't matter about what hers did to me. I have been fully open and brutally open with my deepest feelings yet she will sit there when discussing looking at me and I hear crickets.each time she finally breaks down and allows her TRUE feelings out it comes to same same thing, crocodile tears and maybe I'd be better off without her. A big pity train. we had one child, a beautiful daughter who is 20 now.
Due to what I see as a failure by her to embrace therapy for herself and us, I have suggested that I move to the guest room entirely. It has a full bath next to it. At that point I'd free of her marital obligations to me, we would try to live as friends and see if we could reconcile by "space". She wouldn't have to answer to me in anyway free to come and go as she pleases. That would step aside fully ( divorce) should she find someone that made her happy. She doesn't want that. Says she wants me. I've told her you can't have it both ways. Not how it works. You either want us to work as much as I, or you don't. I WILL NOT COMPETE FOR HER LOVE OR ATTENTION! Period. I have dedicated my life to us. Yes I had that ea so long ago, just as she did. It was folly. Stupidity thing I've ever done. I have given her forgiveness so that we can mend and rejoin. She says she has as well, but her actions say other wise. We are both strong personalities. I have taken ownership of all my crap I brought into our marriage yet she doesn't feel she's done wrong and she has only reacted to my bs? Until both can see their wrongs, healing can never happen. We talked of this last night and I had an anxiety attack afterwards that I was able control and hide from my brick wall. I have been patient to great lengths and am starting to believe she may be right. Not sure just yet. She does want to be better and sorta trys but never lasts more than a couple days, then back to old ways. I have mentally prepared myself to make a final decision myself about this marriage after hers and daughters birthdays this February. I have told her nothing if this, it would put her back to the wall. If she shows true desire by actions all will be good. If not, then I must accept and move forward single. Best wishes my man.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

If she does go visit her parents....You will never know if she went to see the ex or not.
It doesn't sound like the ex's wife knows anything about thier EA..Probably has no idea they are talking...Tim , maybe it's time she finds out , I would def. Walk away on this level of disrespect


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

All good thoughts. I’d just inject a dose of reality. Talked with my co-worker’s husband today who is a family law attorney.

He laid out the reality of a divorce for a sole provider to someone with medical needs and it’s worse financially than you could ever imagine, So yeah, dignity is one thing, and it’s a lot. But just think about how much dignity there is night after night by yourself in a fleabag motel. Just saying, be educated.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TimJ37 said:


> All good thoughts. I’d just inject a dose of reality. Talked with my co-worker’s husband today who is a family law attorney.
> 
> He laid out the reality of a divorce for a sole provider to someone with medical needs and it’s worse financially than you could ever imagine, So yeah, dignity is one thing, and it’s a lot. But just think about how much dignity there is night after night by yourself in a fleabag motel. Just saying, be educated.


Financial ruin (and kids) is one of the reasons why people don't divorce. If I divorced my wife, I would be a lot worse financially, going from living in a 7 bedroom house to one 1 bedroom flat in a dodgy area of the city. Let's say that, for the moment, there is enough room for both of us...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

TimJ37 said:


> Yeah, unfortunately it seems like this is rapidly coming to a conclusion. My wife sprung on me that she’s going to visit her parents. Yep, you guessed it, they live in the same town as the Ex. I asked if she’d be visiting with him and she said most likely. I confronted her, said she’s having an emotional affair, to which she basically agreed. I put my foot down, me or him and she’s basically now saying how unfair this is. She’s saying he’s always been a special person in her life and it’s just a very strong friendship. Stronger than she has with any of her girlfriends. She says she wants to reconnect before she dies and it’s so unfair I’d keep her from this friendship she so badly needs right now. So basically we’re at the crossroads. She won’t be an adult about this. Knows deep down it’s inappropriate, but still trying to spin it as me being way too neurotic and over analyzing. Denying her a lifelong friend when she might not have much time left. Seems pretty clear to me that she values their link more than me or our family right now. She’s offered to cut it off “if I want” but it’s clear she will resent that. She showed me a text asking if she could meet the Ex’s wife and he responded with “Uhhh—maybe. Not sure she’d be cool with that.” Yet that still isn’t a red flag for her. There are nuances here, but bottom line she won’t make the choice him or me. It sucks it got here, but looks like I’ll be visiting the attorney next week.


I would inform the OM's wife. I would make sure she understands that your wife is planning to visit with the intensions of screwing her husband.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Financial ruin (and kids) is one of the reasons why people don't divorce. If I divorced my wife, I would be a lot worse financially, going from living in a 7 bedroom house to one 1 bedroom flat in a dodgy area of the city. Let's say that, for the moment, there is enough room for both of us...


I get it. 😅


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

TinyTbone said:


> Ok, so reading what you've said, I have some commentary as well.
> So oddly enough, our marriages, in a fashion, parallel. Obviously I've been married longer, we have been going to similar events as yours. My wife, over years has had issue after issue with her health. I had to take on the duties of all outside maintenance at the home. I actually do 80% of all the house work inside as well. I started it 4 years ago due to serious anger and resentment issues. She finally started seeing a therapist as well, then we entered into mc.wgile our therapist is good at ic, I think she lacks seriously at mc and it's frustrating to both of us.
> Like about 32 years ago she had an ea. I have no idea exactly how it lasted. Was in the military and gone a lot. 24 years ago, I had an ea. She has been so devastated by it to this day, yet didn't matter about what hers did to me. I have been fully open and brutally open with my deepest feelings yet she will sit there when discussing looking at me and I hear crickets.each time she finally breaks down and allows her TRUE feelings out it comes to same same thing, crocodile tears and maybe I'd be better off without her. A big pity train. we had one child, a beautiful daughter who is 20 now.
> Due to what I see as a failure by her to embrace therapy for herself and us, I have suggested that I move to the guest room entirely. It has a full bath next to it. At that point I'd free of her marital obligations to me, we would try to live as friends and see if we could reconcile by "space". She wouldn't have to answer to me in anyway free to come and go as she pleases. That would step aside fully ( divorce) should she find someone that made her happy. She doesn't want that. Says she wants me. I've told her you can't have it both ways. Not how it works. You either want us to work as much as I, or you don't. I WILL NOT COMPETE FOR HER LOVE OR ATTENTION! Period. I have dedicated my life to us. Yes I had that ea so long ago, just as she did. It was folly. Stupidity thing I've ever done. I have given her forgiveness so that we can mend and rejoin. She says she has as well, but her actions say other wise. We are both strong personalities. I have taken ownership of all my crap I brought into our marriage yet she doesn't feel she's done wrong and she has only reacted to my bs? Until both can see their wrongs, healing can never happen. We talked of this last night and I had an anxiety attack afterwards that I was able control and hide from my brick wall. I have been patient to great lengths and am starting to believe she may be right. Not sure just yet. She does want to be better and sorta trys but never lasts more than a couple days, then back to old ways. I have mentally prepared myself to make a final decision myself about this marriage after hers and daughters birthdays this February. I have told her nothing if this, it would put her back to the wall. If she shows true desire by actions all will be good. If not, then I must accept and move forward single. Best wishes my man.


You are so far behind the curve ball that you don’t realize that competing for her attention is exactly what you are doing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If this is the case then tell her she can leave at anytime. That it is her choice to abandon the husband that has provide and taken care of her in her time of need faithfully.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I can't understand why you are making her chose? That's pathetic dude. What that he'll is this **** of him or me? 

If you're so screwed economically to divorce her, tell her to either leave (this is what you want), and document the abandonment of the marital home, or make her understand that from now on she can do whatever the **** she wants, but not as your woman. From now on live in the same house but completely separated. Nothing to ever talk about but matters related to the children. 

As a matter of fact, why haven't you already cut her off, and be living separately in the house? 

Why can't you start living your life as a single man although living in the same house? Do you think that this disabled woman is the best that you can do? Have some respect for yourself, because obviously she has none for you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> I can't understand why you are making her chose? That's pathetic dude. What that he'll is this **** of him or me?
> 
> If you're so screwed economically to divorce her, tell her to either leave (this is what you want), and document the abandonment of the marital home, or make her understand that from now on she can do whatever the **** she wants, but not as your woman. From now on live in the same house but completely separated. Nothing to ever talk about but matters related to the children.
> 
> ...


He is still doing the pick-me dance... he will enter the second stage, I predict very quickly...


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TimJ37 said:


> Yeah, can’t disagree. Today is a full-court press on her saying how wrong I am and if I only knew what this really was. I’ve sent her a million articles on emotional affairs, every one addressing exactly what this is. And yet the response is still just justify, justify, you’re wrong. In between she will get heated and lob insults. I’m done. Yeah maybe this is all as utterly deceitful so are saying. Maybe she really is just this blind or unwilling to face the truth. Either way, it has to end.


You need to stop trying to justify your position to her.
Stop trying to get her to understand and internalize that what she’s doing is wrong.
She already knows (at least on some level), she just doesn’t care because she doesn’t love/respect you enough to overcome her own rationalizations about it.

It doesn’t matter if she agrees with your position. She she just needs to understand that you won’t tolerate this.
Stop arguing with her, stop trying to convince her. You don’t need to justify or convince her of anything.
you just need to tell her That the situation is unacceptable.

Understand that nothing she tells you right now can be trusted.

you need to be strong and resolute and do not waver an inch on this. This is not negotiable and there can be no compromise on this.
if she goes on this trip, it’s almost a guarantee that lines will be crossed that cannot be uncrossed.
Just like separation, this trip will be the end of your marriage. And it doesn’t matter if she understands or agrees with that

Honestly, I think you should just file for divorce immediately. Go see a lawyer on Monday if possible and get the papers drawn up.
You’re past the point of fiddling around the edges.
Your marriage is most likely done, but if you’re holding out any hope of trying to save things, The only thing that might bring her back would be the shock of her world crashing in, with you taking control of the manner, process and timetable

And really, at this point you should be done with her. If she is still struggling to choose if she wants a life with you or not, choose for her.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You know if she goes to her “parents”, she’s going to see the ex alone, just the two of them. It’s just a fukk buddy vacation. You can’t put a price on getting your life back. No amount of money in the world is too high of a price. Meet with the attorney and start the process. Start separating your finances and head into battle with strength.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You talked to the wrong attorney. The right attorney would tell you how to solve this. 
You make the money. Her AP DOES NOT want her full time. NOBODY would with good sense would. What are her redeeming qualities? She doesn’t work. She’s disloyal. She’s a bottomless money pit.
If an attorney recommended you stay married, at least cut her off the gravy train and not pay for her phone which she uses to cheat on you. Not pay for frivolous things she wants. Treat her as coldly as she has treated you.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Tell her that cheating on you and your children is not acceptable and that you are filing for divorce. She should go see her parents and stay there permanently. You should tell her parents what she's up to before she rewrites more history. Then, warn the other guy's wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If I had to live with her, I’d darn sure tell the guy’s wife. But have evidence. The AP will portray you as a crazy man if you don’t have evidence.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> You are so far behind the curve ball that you don’t realize that competing for her attention is exactly what you are doing.


Sorry bud, you really have no idea.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’d rather be dirt poor than someone’s dirty door mat. Oddly enough to me personally I find people’s money fear is the same thing that keeps them barely surviving. Just like changing your entire mindset about relationships to become successful at them….. money is the same principle


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I’d rather be dirt poor than someone’s dirty door mat. Oddly enough to me personally I find people’s money fear is the same thing that keeps them barely surviving. Just like changing your entire mindset about relationships to become successful at them….. money is the same principle


Same. I can fix being broke, I’ve done it before. I’ve also made sure it won’t happen to me unless something truly unexpected happens. But I’d rather work 18 hour days and barely get by than be someone’s servant and subhuman slave.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Same. I can fix being broke, I’ve done it before. I’ve also made sure it won’t happen to me unless something truly unexpected happens. But I’d rather work 18 hour days and barely get by than be someone’s servant and subhuman slave.


Cause Texas chicks kick a$$ 👍


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Cause Texas chicks kick a$$ 👍


We are generally not submissives. At least not in life. Games are fun sometimes but that’s what they are, games.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

frusdil said:


> Nope, no separation. You do not solve marriage problems apart, you come together and work to rebuild. ...
> And as for the ex bf, that bs stops NOW.


Yes



TimJ37 said:


> when she might not have much time left.


Really? Is that the situation?



TimJ37 said:


> I told her if you go, then don’t come back. She again forces it as “that’s the choice you’re making for us”. Finally she said she wants to see her parents, but will cut off correspondence and will not see him when she’s down there.


*Well done!!*



DudeInProgress said:


> Stop trying to get her to understand and internalize that what she’s doing is wrong.
> She already knows (at least on some level), she just doesn’t care


I know people here hate this phrase, but I'll say it, she's in the fog. 



Evinrude58 said:


> You make the money. Her AP DOES NOT want her full time.


For sure. This is important to understand. He's *not *going to want to trade his wife for yours. 

This is why I asked, can you go and talk to him face to face? That's the ballsy move, in my humble opinion.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

TimJ37 said:


> All good thoughts. I’d just inject a dose of reality. Talked with my co-worker’s husband today who is a family law attorney.
> 
> He laid out the reality of a divorce for a sole provider to someone with medical needs and it’s worse financially than you could ever imagine, So yeah, dignity is one thing, and it’s a lot. But just think about how much dignity there is night after night by yourself in a fleabag motel. Just saying, be educated.


Seek another lawyer, don't just consult with one!
If that's the case, than you have two options:
1- Bite the bullet and divorce her.. Free yourself, and rebuild.
2- Do what *Evinrude58* suggested:


Evinrude58 said:


> You talked to the wrong attorney. The right attorney would tell you how to solve this.
> You make the money. Her AP DOES NOT want her full time. NOBODY would with good sense would. What are her redeeming qualities? She doesn’t work. She’s disloyal. She’s a bottomless money pit.
> *If an attorney recommended you stay married, at least cut her off the gravy train and not pay for her phone which she uses to cheat on you. Not pay for frivolous things she wants. Treat her as coldly as she has treated you.*


And I don't believe in the so called affair "fog", like some kind of alien took over you wife's body... No such thing!
Cheaters know EXACTLY what they are doing and what they are risking!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ABHale said:


> I would inform the OM's wife. I would make sure she understands that your wife is planning to visit with the intensions of screwing her husband.


This needs more emphasis. You need to inform the OM's wife TODAY! of what is going on. 

What is taking place here is your wife is feathering another nest and preparing a soft place for her to land when she leaves you (and yes she is planning on leaving you and taking your assets with her). 

You need to send a cruise missile right into that nest that she is preparing. 

It may not stop the divorce. But will give her and the OM the wake up call that they aren't going to easily step into their little dream life that they are conjuring up in their heads. 

99.999% chance this guy is just seeing this as an opportunity to get some extra poon on the side. It's doubtful he is in love with her and wants leave his wife for her and for them to ride off into the sunset together.

He will be just as afraid of what a divorce will cost him as you are and then he won't want the added expense of him dealing with her health issues and take her to doctor's appointments and such. 

Call up his wife and explain everything to her right now and before lunch he will have thrown your wife under the bus and will be up to his eyeballs in his own damage control.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TimJ37 said:


> She showed me a text asking if she could meet the Ex’s wife and he responded with *“Uhhh—maybe. Not sure she’d be cool with that.” *Yet that still isn’t a red flag for her. There are nuances here, but bottom line she won’t make the choice him or me..


That right there is your clue about how to deal with this. He knows what he is doing isn't right or he would have no hesitation bringing her to his wife. Tell his wife and I suspect he will no longer be an issue. 

Also, very disgusting that your wife would play the death/dying card to get you to let her be with her affair partner.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You know one thing you could do right now is stop acting like a hb. Sure you can pay bills but stop taking care of her.

Don't help her with anything....let her bf take care of her medical needs. And you could always tell her that since she has a bf you'll be getting a gf. 

Let her experience what it's like to do without your help. Tell her to stay with her parents as long as she wants and you'll do your thing here.

Normal I wouldn't post something like this but if you feel like you can't divorce for monetary reasons maybe start living your life without her. And definitely doesn't go above and beyond to help her with anything.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

TELL HIS WIFE. He faces similar financial fallout, and thus will not choose your wife over his. It's your best chance to nuke this. If nothing else, your wife will be without a perceived soft landing pad.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

OnTheRocks said:


> TELL HIS WIFE. He faces similar financial fallout, and thus will not choose your wife over his. It's your best chance to nuke this. * If nothing else, your wife will be without a perceived soft landing pad.*


Bingo. She loses you and the other guy. You can then kick back, have a beer and smile.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Boy, I’d love to say you all were wrong, but nope. She went to visit her “parents” anyway, saying she just needed time away. We had a great two days before, got intimate, etc, Left, visited lots of friends. Met the Ex for breakfast which she was transparent about. Now that she’s home, she’s still talking possible separation, has been very secretive. Found a text from him first thing this morning that said “Hi Sexy! Been thinking about you of course.” They’re texting basically every chance. So yeah, full blown EA that very possibly went physical already.

At this point just trying to figure out my moves. I haven’t let on that I know anything for sure. Just trying to get my ducks in a row before I tell her to move the **** out.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TimJ37 said:


> Boy, I’d love to say you all were wrong, but nope. She went to visit her “parents” anyway, saying she just needed time away. We had a great two days before, got intimate, etc, Left, visited lots of friends. Met the Ex for breakfast which she was transparent about. Now that she’s home, she’s still talking possible separation, has been very secretive. Found a text from him first thing this morning that said “Hi Sexy! Been thinking about you of course.” They’re texting basically every chance. So yeah, full blown EA that very possibly went physical already.
> 
> At this point just trying to figure out my moves. I haven’t let on that I know anything for sure. Just trying to get my ducks in a row before I tell her to move the **** out.


You can take it to the bank that it is physical. Turns out you wife is just another run of the mill cheater.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

TimJ37 said:


> Boy, I’d love to say you all were wrong, but nope. She went to visit her “parents” anyway, saying she just needed time away. We had a great two days before, got intimate, etc, Left, visited lots of friends. Met the Ex for breakfast which she was transparent about. Now that she’s home, she’s still talking possible separation, has been very secretive. Found a text from him first thing this morning that said “Hi Sexy! Been thinking about you of course.” They’re texting basically every chance. So yeah, full blown EA that very possibly went physical already.
> 
> At this point just trying to figure out my moves. I haven’t let on that I know anything for sure. Just trying to get my ducks in a row before I tell her to move the **** out.


876 times out of 877 a lot of the posters here are always correct in their observations.

I'm sorry that this happened to you.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Sorry we were right but now you know. Don't wait for all the ducks to be in a row. Explain to her that separation is just fine but it's permanent so she's free to go carry on with her lover but you are done.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Confronted her about it today. She of course said I violated her trust by reading the text. Lol, give me break. Anyway, she proceeded to say the marriage has been over for her for a while and she’s done. Is 100% adamant it never went physical. She says I’m making the choice to separate, but also keeps saying that even if the relationship with the Ex was over we’d still have all these problems left. My favorite is how she keeps defending the Ex saying he wants our marriage to succeed, while also admitting he’s the one who started the flirting. Feels that our marriage vows are null because there’s been verbal and emotional abuse in the marriage. She’s getting very irate and I think it’s clearly because she doesn’t like that her cake-eating is getting forcibly taken away. Keeps saying she wants to work on our friendship and see if there’s something we can rebuild long term. She has pretty advanced cancer and is saying she hopes we can be friends and I’ll still be there for her or in the end. I told her that won’t be possible. Can’t make this stuff up.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TimJ37 said:


> Boy, I’d love to say you all were wrong, but nope. She went to visit her “parents” anyway, saying she just needed time away. We had a great two days before, got intimate, etc, Left, visited lots of friends. Met the Ex for breakfast which she was transparent about. Now that she’s home, she’s still talking possible separation, has been very secretive. Found a text from him first thing this morning that said “Hi Sexy! Been thinking about you of course.” They’re texting basically every chance. So yeah, full blown EA that very possibly went physical already.
> 
> At this point just trying to figure out my moves. I haven’t let on that I know anything for sure. Just trying to get my ducks in a row before I tell her to move the **** out.


Go see a lawyer today. There’s nothing else to be said. 
You didn’t listen before, and refused to stand up for yourself and set respectable boundaries. Now you’re here. File and have her served


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

TimJ37 said:


> Feels that our marriage vows are null because there’s been verbal and emotional abuse in the marriage. * * * She has pretty advanced cancer and is saying she hopes we can be friends and I’ll still be there for her or in the end. I told her that won’t be possible. Can’t make this stuff up.


I didn't realize she has cancer. I wish her well. 

If there has been physical & emotional abuse in the marriage, it's best that it end.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I didn't realize she has cancer. I wish her well.
> 
> If there has been physical & emotional abuse in the marriage, it's best that it end.


Not physical, but verbal and emotional. On both sides. I really don’t know how she’s going to do this without me, but she’s adamant “she doesn’t need anything from me!!!” It really is a sad situation. I think so much of this was caused by the stress of raising kids and going through cancer.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sad for everyone, including your children, that she is throwing it all away at the end.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

It really is. My buddy said it best “we all like to think people go out stoically, tying up the loose ends, setting things right. But the truth is some people thrash violently, fighting everything until the end.” Just never thought this would be us. I’ve been there for her every step of the way and to see it thrown away like this is heartbreaking.

She won’t admit it, but this EA was our death knell. He started giving her the feels again and she said she realized “he’s the only one who has ever truly made me feel that way.” And now here we are.

The unfortunate part is I really do think she will realize what a mess she made of everything eventually and I hate that for her. Hell of a way to go out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Does she think he’s going to be there for her as she deals with cancer? I’m sure she was planning on that person being you while the other person in her life gets the flirting and whatever else is going on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As people review their life, sometimes they regret the road not taken and that’s what he represents for her. She’s wondering “what if” — especially since she’s dealing with cancer. Most don’t act on that but sounds like she is. And if she had the chance for it to be physical, you can bet it was — they rarely pass up a chance like that.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Does she think he’s going to be there for her as she deals with cancer? I’m sure she was planning on that person being you while the other person in her life gets the flirting and whatever else is going on.


Of course not. That’s what kills me. She’s making very short term focused choices that have or will have long term consequences. I’m not going to want to be there for her in the end or remember her longingly after she’s gone if in the meantime she bangs her Ex six times. It’s so damn shortsighted.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

TimJ37 said:


> Of course not. That’s what kills me. She’s making very short term focused choices that have or will have long term consequences. I’m not going to want to be there for her in the end or remember her longingly after she’s gone if in the meantime she bangs her Ex six times. It’s so damn shortsighted.


In a way she is already dead to you, mourn her now for as long as you need and move on. She is now the lover-boy's problem.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

At least the financial fallout of divorce will end for you when she expires. 

So have you told the OM's wife yet?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TimJ37 said:


> It really is. My buddy said it best “we all like to think people go out stoically, tying up the loose ends, setting things right. But the truth is some people thrash violently, fighting everything until the end.” Just never thought this would be us. I’ve been there for her every step of the way and to see it thrown away like this is heartbreaking.
> 
> She won’t admit it, but this EA was our death knell. He started giving her the feels again and she said she realized *“he’s the only one who has ever truly made me feel that way.”* And now here we are.
> 
> The unfortunate part is I really do think she will realize what a mess she made of everything eventually and I hate that for her. Hell of a way to go out.


so you should graciously let old lover boy take care of her at the end and bow out. And not be stupid and dined any more thoughts on such a woman. She has cancer, and in my opinion she IS cancer for you. Cut her out of your life and start living.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And estimated life expectancy is just that — an estimate. I know someone who has stage 4 lung cancer. He was expected to live less than a year when he was diagnosed and that was over three years ago. He’s still doing well. Everyone is different and you never know for sure how long they have.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

For what it's worth, if she has been taking anti cancer medications for sometime, then, you should know that some of those medications can be/are mind altering, and can create all kind of aberrant behavior. 

If she's off and has been off medication for some time, then no excuse, other than her sense of mortality is coming to the forefront, and it's bringing issues that she previously had, exaggerating them, to justify what she now wants to do.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> For what it's worth, if she has been taking anti cancer medications for sometime, then, you should know that some of those medications can be/are mind altering, and can create all kind of aberrant behavior.
> 
> If she's off and has been off medication for some time, then no excuse, other than her sense of mortality is coming to the forefront, and it's bringing issues that she previously had, exaggerating them, to justify what she now wants to do.


That’s what’s making this so hard and not an “open and shut” case. It really is like she’s kind of gone crazy. Showing signs of extreme anxiety, depression at times, and then seemingly fine. She’s still very much on treatment.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

She is probably thinking this is her last chance to be with the one she truly loved


TimJ37 said:


> That’s what’s making this so hard and not an “open and shut” case. It really is like she’s kind of gone crazy. Showing signs of extreme anxiety, depression at times, and then seemingly fine. She’s still very much on treatment.


Have you had this discussion with her. That her meds could be impacting her thought process?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

TimJ37 said:


> That’s what’s making this so hard and not an “open and shut” case. It really is like she’s kind of gone crazy. Showing signs of extreme anxiety, depression at times, and then seemingly fine. She’s still very much on treatment.


I am so sorry, but you have to realize that even if it is her medication, you aren't getting her back. Especially if it's her medication, she's gone already. I suggest you mourn the woman she might have been or perhaps never really was, but was presented to you, because she is not with you anymore.

This is going to be harsh, but see it as her will and testament that the OM take care of her evil replacement. Give that task fully to the POS while you mourn your loss and move on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TimJ37 said:


> That’s what’s making this so hard and not an “open and shut” case. It really is like she’s kind of gone crazy. Showing signs of extreme anxiety, depression at times, and then seemingly fine. She’s still very much on treatment.


Then, this is something that should be brought up to her oncologist. You need to emphasize that she's mind altering.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@TimJ37 

Any updates?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TimJ37 said:


> Confronted her about it today. She of course said I violated her trust by reading the text. Lol, give me break. Anyway, she proceeded to say the marriage has been over for her for a while and she’s done. Is 100% adamant it never went physical. She says I’m making the choice to separate, but also keeps saying that even if the relationship with the Ex was over we’d still have all these problems left. My favorite is how she keeps defending the Ex saying he wants our marriage to succeed, while also admitting he’s the one who started the flirting. Feels that our marriage vows are null because there’s been verbal and emotional abuse in the marriage. She’s getting very irate and I think it’s clearly because she doesn’t like that her cake-eating is getting forcibly taken away. Keeps saying she wants to work on our friendship and see if there’s something we can rebuild long term. * She has pretty advanced cancer and is saying she hopes we can be friends and I’ll still be there for her or in the end. * I told her that won’t be possible. Can’t make this stuff up.


*If this advanced cancer story is true*, I would let her have her last fling

The woman is dying, her mind is going at 100 miles per hour, heading for the cliff.
Cancer meds that treat pain can be mind altering.

Yes, separate, but do not divorce. 
Let her live with her parents.
Ask them for help, explaining what is going on.

The cancer has taken its toll.
On her body and her mind.

A permanent separation will be forced by death.
This is the cheapest solution, but, having a mind numbing cost.

Show mercy, you will be the better for it.


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## TimJ37 (5 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> @TimJ37
> 
> Any updates?


We’re going to separate. She’ll likely get an apartment. I don’t care anymore. She says the EA ended, but I don’t trust her. She changed the passcode on her phone, is still secretive. It is what it is.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TimJ37 said:


> We’re going to separate. She’ll likely get an apartment. I don’t care anymore. She says the EA ended, but I don’t trust her. She changed the passcode on her phone, is still secretive. It is what it is.


No it is what you allow it to be. 
You got a lot of very consistent guidance from the folks here, yet apparently you’ve chosen to do nothing but wallow in your self imposed helplessness. 
I thought you had decided to get strong and proactive. Apparently not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is said that when elephants, near death, they wander off to that secret burial ground and lay down and die.

Humans, often do the same. 
They get in bed and never leave it, alive.

Some (braver?) humans, have that last fling, do that last thing.

The thing, that dream, that they have always wanted to do.

Death is final, everything else is an ongoing process.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Dictum Veritas and (we) think alike in so many conservative ways.

We think, not alike at all, when it involves _Wayward Wives_.
We occasionally, have mercy, he has none.

None, not at all, zip, never that mercy!


------> <------

@weltschmerz was the first on TAM, troubled by our stance on this notion.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> @Dictum Veritas and (we) think alike in so many conservative ways.
> 
> We think, not alike at all, when it involves _Wayward Wives_.
> We occasionally, have mercy, he has none.
> ...


For infidelity, no, I have no mercy at all, none, nada, zip.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

TimJ37,

I can't comprehend what kind of human this OM is who would take a dying woman away from her children.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> TimJ37,
> 
> I can't comprehend what kind of human this OM is who would take a dying woman away from her children.


I think we all know what kind of garbage he is, especially since he’s married too.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tim & Teacherwifemom, 

One other thing to consider the OM might be after more than just your WW.

If you have significant wealth or in any event more than OM he may be looking to marry your WW after a divorce and inherit half her proceeds from the divorce.

I know it sounds like a hair brained scheme, but the OM might just be that slimey.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

TimJ37 said:


> We’re going to separate. She’ll likely get an apartment. I don’t care anymore. She says the EA ended, but I don’t trust her. She changed the passcode on her phone, is still secretive. It is what it is.


Tim, I hope you reached out to the OBS to let her know what's going on... She deserves to know what a POS her husband is. Good luck.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

TimJ37 said:


> Yeah, unfortunately it seems like this is rapidly coming to a conclusion. My wife sprung on me that she’s going to visit her parents. Yep, you guessed it, they live in the same town as the Ex. I asked if she’d be visiting with him and she said most likely. I confronted her, said she’s having an emotional affair, to which she basically agreed. I put my foot down, me or him and she’s basically now saying how unfair this is. She’s saying he’s always been a special person in her life and it’s just a very strong friendship. Stronger than she has with any of her girlfriends. She says she wants to reconnect before she dies and it’s so unfair I’d keep her from this friendship she so badly needs right now. So basically we’re at the crossroads. She won’t be an adult about this. Knows deep down it’s inappropriate, but still trying to spin it as me being way too neurotic and over analyzing. Denying her a lifelong friend when she might not have much time left. Seems pretty clear to me that she values their link more than me or our family right now. She’s offered to cut it off “if I want” but it’s clear she will resent that. She showed me a text asking if she could meet the Ex’s wife and he responded with “Uhhh—maybe. Not sure she’d be cool with that.” Yet that still isn’t a red flag for her. There are nuances here, but bottom line she won’t make the choice him or me. It sucks it got here, but looks like I’ll be visiting the attorney next week.


This is a game of Chicken.
You need to deal from a position of strength.
Lawyer up! Have her served coldly and without feeling.
You 'll see what you have at that point.
If she wants to work on the relationship and do the right things, then you can ratchet back some.
If she still wants to play her little drama exercise, go ahead and let things proceed.
You may as well, because that is where you are headed anyway.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

TimJ37 said:


> Confronted her about it today. She of course said I violated her trust by reading the text. Lol, give me break. Anyway, she proceeded to say the marriage has been over for her for a while and she’s done. Is 100% adamant it never went physical. She says I’m making the choice to separate, but also keeps saying that even if the relationship with the Ex was over we’d still have all these problems left. My favorite is how she keeps defending the Ex saying he wants our marriage to succeed, while also admitting he’s the one who started the flirting. Feels that our marriage vows are null because there’s been verbal and emotional abuse in the marriage. She’s getting very irate and I think it’s clearly because she doesn’t like that her cake-eating is getting forcibly taken away. Keeps saying she wants to work on our friendship and see if there’s something we can rebuild long term. She has pretty advanced cancer and is saying she hopes we can be friends and I’ll still be there for her or in the end. I told her that won’t be possible. Can’t make this stuff up.


If it is true that she has advanced cancer, just move her out of the bedroom, and who cares what she does?
It's "Cheaper to keep her," assuming you don't have to keep her very long.
How long does she have?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> TimJ37,
> 
> I can't comprehend what kind of human this OM is who would take a dying woman away from her children.



To me that is irrelevant, OM did not pledge to OP, his wife did. She's the one where all fingers points. Moreover, OM's not taking away anything that wasn't freely and willingly given to him.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Rob,



Rob_1 said:


> To me that is irrelevant, OM did not pledge to OP, his wife did. She's the one where all fingers points. Moreover, OM's not taking away anything that wasn't freely and willingly given to him.


I don't entirely agree with you.

Yes the WW has some choice in the matter, however her mental facilities and circumstances are compromised. Perhaps she is not 50% responsible for the affair as I would often estimate it. 

There are situations which are exploitive, the wealthy overcharging the poor through monopolies, guardians spending minors estates and the healthy using or influencing the sick amoung others.

You are saying that the man who drives he getaway car is not part of the bank robbery, sorry it does not work that way OM also made a choice and likely knew very well what the circumstances are.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Rob,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yes, I do understand your point, but if you read my previous posts, I think that I was the first one to suggest to OP that she might not be well in her head, hence her aberrant behavior (if at all). Having said that, regardless if the OM is aware of her possible mental state, regardless, if he's the biggest POS in this world, his actions are all irrelevant to OP's situation with his wife behavior. That dude, regardless of his taking advantage of the situation shouldn't be a factor for OP. If not him it would be someone else, or something else. OP needed to concentrate on his wife's behavior, not the rest of the wolves out there that don't nor would care to give a **** about him, because they don't own OP anything. No even decency. Those dudes are who they are. Anyway, OP already got his answer. He needs to get out as quickly as possible before things get more complicated for him. At this point, I think that even if she's just in a mental fog due to anti-cancer medications, for Op is probably too late to be able to rescue her.

The most likely explanation is that she knows she's dying, and wants to do what she always wanted to do (OM), but never did, but now that she knows that she's dying she doesn't care. she'll do what she wants to do with the time left for her.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I do agree that dealing with the WW and OM are two separate issues.

Generally from the WW a man want truth immediately.

For the OM revenge can be dished out at any time in the future.


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