# Am I handling this appropriately?



## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

Background...For the past year my husband has been having a difficult time sexually either not being able to orgasm, or not being able to maintain an erection. He says it is not me when I ask so I accepted that as an answer but I still worried. Now that he is working the night shift there is no time for us we see each other any where between 3- 9 hours a week. The other day I asked if how long he would last meaning do you have time. He said no that he masturbated that morning. Well, I don't have a problem with masturbating if anything I encourage it but since we are no longer having sex regularly it is concerning. He has never initiated because he says i always tell him no which is absolutely not true. I'm sure I've said no because I was too tired or not feeling well. He says there is only so many times he can be rejected. I think he needs to be able to tell the difference between "feeling" rejected and being rejected. I think it is very immature of him and again its deflecting the problems blame on ME. So I asked him if he had been watching porn because I have been against it from the beginning of our marriage and we have had problems with it in the past and he agreed to not do it again out of respect for my feelings. I even went as far last time to say, "I'm here if you want it ask for it! If I catch you again I may file for divorce." Well, since I asked him and he said no I knew he was lying because I gave him dirty pictures of me to look at for that reason. I knew he was lying so I snooped and found sites through flash cookies. I confronted him and told him just because he is in incognito mode I can still see what sites he has visited through those shared objects and then he said yeah I did look at it but only for research when i hear a new term like oral cream pie. I said there are more pages then research. Then he said maybe its because he lets people use his phone at work in the shower house when they are hanging out and saying, hey have you seen that video, they use his phone. I replied you must think i am sooooo stupid. Whenever you want to treat me like a smart adult that is your wife then you can talk to me. He said, i don't know what the big deal is its not like its affecting our relationship. Wow, does he really mean that? we have gone through this already. I said to him, that nice wife that is loving and supportive and does everything for you is gone until you want to be honest with me. I was leaving for the weekend to visit his folks so i said don't expect to hear from me. FYI, i ask him to email me while he is at work so we can keep in touch and i won't feel so lonely in our marriage and he never does unless he is horny talking about what he wants to do to me every blue moon. then he emailed me last night saying his night isn't going good how about mine? he always acts like this after an argument, like nothing has happened.

now my question. Am i handling this right by ignoring him? I feel that is abusive as well. What would be some healthy ways to handle this? Today is my birthday, and I doubt he will tell me happy birthday. I never get gifts, or cards, it seems the whole world revolves around him all the time, and everything is either my fault or there is some valid excuse for everything. I am considering a divorce this time because it is getting to be more difficult for me to forgive or have any patience especially when so many things are the matter and not getting any better.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Huum ! Happy birthday . Sorry u r in such situation . It is very sad when the person who is supposed to b part of ur life does not remember to wish u happy birthday . Ur man does not know how to love or how to show love . Do u have kids together ? How old are you ? I ask bc he sounds immature. Masturbation and porns r not bad , but the way u describe him he does not know what is love or he loves someone else. Be strong and good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I am 29 TODAY *smiles* and thank you! He is 32, I don't think porn is bad when we watch it together, but with his *situation* I told him I feel he is cheating on me because I am always there and if he didn't agree, he shouldn't have agreed. You know what I mean? Yes, we have two kids, and we have been married 10 years.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm getting a different vibe here. Sounds like you are suffocating him. 

You say porn isn't bad for you, but castigate him for watching it and threatening him with divorce and leave the house! You contradict yourself.

He emails you from work saying he is horny and wants to get it on with you, but yet you turn him down. And then you tell him to come and get it whenever he wants. Why would he? He might just rejected by you again. You contradict yourself again. 

You send him sexy photos of you, but let me ask, are you indeed still sexy? Have you kept up that figure and stayed physically attractive after ten years? He is looking at porn and if you're fat overweight soccer mom, no way is he getting turned on.

What have you done to make him feel different? It sounds like you are perpetually castigating him to the point where he just wants to withdraw. If he doesn't feel any love coming from you, why the hell should he be giving any out? 

Happy birthday.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

MrsManhatten i am sorry you have come here for help and you have received an extremely unhelpful antagonistic and demeaning reply from Alpha. Someone has gotten a little too big for their boots...
Don't dismiss TAM because of negative people like that, you will find there is a lot of people who actually want to help you. Report Alpha's post if you want to.
Anyway, I would say that ignoring him is not helping your situation. What you need to do is sit down with him, declare 'no bullsh!t' and tell him exactly how you are feeling, and back it up with examples. Just facts, do not overload him with a barrage of emotions- a lot of people like to process information logically he might be that type of man. 
If you have tried this then I would be researching a decent marriage counsellor in your area.
IMO it is BAD NEWS for a marriage when a spouse replaces the other with porn and or masturbation when that other spouse is willing and waiting.
Good luck


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You didn't sign on to be in a sexless marriage. He may have some physical problems or it could be the porn/masturbation. Either way, he seems way too young to be experiencing problems.

He has put you into the role of mommy: 
"that nice wife that is loving and supportive and does everything for you ". Men don't sleep with their mommies.

Look up the 180 and implement it. Either he will get with the program called 'marriage' or not and you will be in a position to move on with your life. Ignore his attempts to rug-sweep the problem. Worthless emails & texts go right into the trashcan.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

MrsM,

Sorry about Alpha's rudeness. Please do not write off everyone on TAM.

If your husband is porn addicted, you have get him to face up to it. That must be done to save your marriage.

Hang in there. Keep posting.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

mrsmanhatten said:


> Background...For the past year my husband has been having a difficult time sexually either not being able to orgasm, or not being able to maintain an erection. He says it is not me when I ask so I accepted that as an answer but I still worried. Now that he is working the night shift there is no time for us we see each other any where between 3- 9 hours a week. The other day I asked if how long he would last meaning do you have time. He said no that he masturbated that morning. Well, I don't have a problem with masturbating if anything I encourage it but since we are no longer having sex regularly it is concerning. He has never initiated because he says i always tell him no which is absolutely not true. I'm sure I've said no because I was too tired or not feeling well. He says there is only so many times he can be rejected. I think he needs to be able to tell the difference between "feeling" rejected and being rejected. I think it is very immature of him and again its deflecting the problems blame on ME. So I asked him if he had been watching porn because I have been against it from the beginning of our marriage and we have had problems with it in the past and he agreed to not do it again out of respect for my feelings. I even went as far last time to say, "I'm here if you want it ask for it! If I catch you again I may file for divorce." Well, since I asked him and he said no I knew he was lying because I gave him dirty pictures of me to look at for that reason. I knew he was lying so I snooped and found sites through flash cookies. I confronted him and told him just because he is in incognito mode I can still see what sites he has visited through those shared objects and then he said yeah I did look at it but only for research when i hear a new term like oral cream pie. I said there are more pages then research. Then he said maybe its because he lets people use his phone at work in the shower house when they are hanging out and saying, hey have you seen that video, they use his phone. I replied you must think i am sooooo stupid. Whenever you want to treat me like a smart adult that is your wife then you can talk to me. He said, i don't know what the big deal is its not like its affecting our relationship. Wow, does he really mean that? we have gone through this already. I said to him, that nice wife that is loving and supportive and does everything for you is gone until you want to be honest with me. I was leaving for the weekend to visit his folks so i said don't expect to hear from me. FYI, i ask him to email me while he is at work so we can keep in touch and i won't feel so lonely in our marriage and he never does unless he is horny talking about what he wants to do to me every blue moon. then he emailed me last night saying his night isn't going good how about mine? he always acts like this after an argument, like nothing has happened.
> 
> now my question. Am i handling this right by ignoring him? I feel that is abusive as well. What would be some healthy ways to handle this? Today is my birthday, and I doubt he will tell me happy birthday. I never get gifts, or cards, it seems the whole world revolves around him all the time, and everything is either my fault or there is some valid excuse for everything. I am considering a divorce this time because it is getting to be more difficult for me to forgive or have any patience especially when so many things are the matter and not getting any better.


Twenty nine years and you're married to an insensitive man hooked on porn.
Added to that you seem to be doing all the " heavy lifting" in your marriage , and he still broke the agreement you all had regarding his abuse of porn , and neglect of your sexual needs.

If you continue like this , things would only get worse, he knows exactly how you'd react and doesn't think you'll leave him.

Do you know how many man here on TAM wished their wife would send them 
" dirty pictures " of themselves?

IMO, the best way you can handle this is to actually file for divorce.
You are still young , full of confidence and your whole life is ahead of you. As you get older, starting over gets harder.

Your husband is walking all over you.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Do not pay attention to poeple like Alpha, what he wrote to u is rude . Y is asking if you r stll sexy , not fat ? Just to make u feel bad or to give reason to ur man , insinuating that ur h has the right to be addicted to porn bc u r no longer sexy . He is telling u to work out ... To b attractive !!! Dont pay attation to him . U are the only one who knows ur h and i am sure u tried everything to have his attention. No one has right to judge u! Stay here keep posting . Like i said ur h does not know the meaning of love and relationship . When u were away he was supposed to write to u " i am missing u" or something like that, insteat he wrote " my night .....". That was a red flag that love is not there, he may want u to b there for him, but the deed love is not there. Try to talk to him , if he does not listen , leave him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn shows how porn use causes erectile dysfunction. They get to where they can no longer be with a REAL woman  So, poor Alpha, he compensates by blaming the REAL woman tsk tsk...

If I was you, I'd put your H and his issues out of your mind as much as you can and do the 180- work on self improvement and self fulfillment so that you will be ready to move on if he continues to chose the porn and associated sexual dysfunction over you.

The 180 | Being a Beautiful Mess


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

BTW in my M, ED was a breakthrough because it scared my husband badly that he could no longer use his tool with a real woman so he quit the porn. He's an older man though with a long history of REAL sex. Not sure if your young husband realizes what he's missing :scratchhead: 

If I was you, I would not be providing him nude pics of yourself. Try to get those back/ delete them if you can. If you M blows up and he wants to punish you, leaves you way too vulnerable!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

mrsmanhattan - Happy Birthday!!

First off, I agree with Blondie, get your pictures back before you do anything else.

Next, I don't know why, but one thing I learned on TAM is that husbands don't listen to their wives. They hear you but it sounds like, blah, blah, blah. It is not until you really shake up their lives that they will listen to you. And here is the sad part, doesn't matter how old they are......

Remember, you can change you - and you only. I understand your frustration and getting to the end of your ropes. Sounds like it may be time to truly assess your life. What makes you happy? What do you need from a relationship, etc.? But also, what causes you stress and unhappiness? Where do you see your life in a year, two years, five years from now if things don't change? Where do you WANT your life to be in a year, two years, five years from now? What do you need to accomplish this?

Maybe once the ax falls your H will wake up, maybe he won't. It might be easier to start planning, set things in motion, but not make one swift jerk. If you start moving your money to your own account, emotionally distancing yourself, things like that, you will be setting the platform for your independence and making the transition smoother.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mrsmanhatten said:


> Alpha, I'm gathering you are drunk, have selective reading, are you are and idiot.
> ... And btw I'm not unattractive AT ALL YOU **** TARD!
> 
> I AM SO SICK OF TAM LOSERS LIKE THIS! I AM NEVER POSTING FOR HELP AGAIN BECAUSE I AM GENUINELY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SET HEALTHY LIMITS ON OUR MARRIAGE AND DOUCHE BAGS LIKE YOU MAKE ME CRY BECAUSE I AM ALREADY VULNERABLE AND AT A LOSS TO PULL MY MARRIAGE TOGETHER AND UNBELIEVABLY RUDE PEOPLE LIKE YOU KICK ME WHEN IM ALREADY DOWN.


MrsManhattan,

You complain about rudeness. but Alpha didn't call you names. Yet you call him an "idiot" a "***tard", a "TAM loser", and a "douche bag". Did I miss anything? Continue down this road and the mods will ban *YOU*, not him. I don't have any antagonism towards you, I am just telling you for you own good. 



> I think the mods should kick you out because your comments were useless, antagonizing, and had not point. How did you help me exactly Alpha.You called me a fat, antagonizing soccer mom...
> I'm going to leave this up long enough for the MODS to read because I'm leaving TAM and I know it doesn't matter at all but I think more people need to tell them they are leaving because of inappropriateness like this when they are seeking help they get BULLIED AND ITS BULL****!


Alpha never actually called you fat or ugly. All he did was question if you kept your figure. True, his language could have been more diplomatic, but that was all. You can't get so upset here when someone gives you advice you don't like. And I'm sorry, I know you are upset but the bullying here is coming more from you than from him.


Now specifically to your situation, I am going to tell you something else you might not like to hear either. You are constantly monitoring your husband's internet use as if you are his mother. This can't possibly help your sex life. If he sees you as a mother, is he really going to be more attracted to you? More desiring of sex with you?

Also, what kind of porn is he looking at? That could be important. He may have a particular obsession or fetish that you don't know about.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

Theseus, you are completely right! I am no better than him. I completely lost it last night and I am an emotional wreck. I am not myself at all. I am not in the right state of mind to handle such negativity so I do still think TAM is not a good idea for me anymore. All the advice here is great and everything I'm am doing and feeling anyway. It all just hurts so bad to emotionally distance myself and plan for an exit. I had so many dreams and they are all crashing down on me. I've tried so hard to alter my behavior, feelings, and actions in hopes it would make things improve and he would love me more or acknowledge my feelings, or contribute. It is just not meant to be for me and I am dying inside because I want nothing more for to work. I have snooped way too much, all of this has changed me from person to a bad cop detective. I have to stop it all and realize that right now it is beyond my control and I have to let go and prepare myself for whatever will be and try not to beat myself up over every if I was this, or if I didn't do this, or...I'm really done and moving on. I think I will remove my rant because it is so unacceptable. I'm sorry TAM members that you had to read that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dang, the rant's gone. Long live the good rant. Sometimes, a good rant is just what is needed to remind members that posts can hurt others.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Dang, the rant's gone. Long live the good rant. Sometimes, a good rant is just what is needed to remind members that posts can hurt others.


Yes Blondilocks, it was a good rant INDEED! I was out of control..lol


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