# I'm exhaustively frustrated at DH



## remcatt (Aug 20, 2014)

Here's what happened. I'd love to hear any _*thoughtful*_, _*constructive*_* responses* to any of whats below. Apologies for the total stream-of-consciousness writing...We're really struggling here. 

thank you in advance.

I'm sleeping, he's arriving home at 12am; 'I don’t like the shoes you got me', turning on the light, telling me the dog made a mess in the room, stomping through the room, and coming back and telling me ‘I was so quiet, I didn’t say anything.’ or having the mindset of ‘just drop it and move on, think of something else.’ 

I'm thinking: 'You’re not even capable of self-inquiry/reflection; ask yourself--what did I do wrong? How can I find out? This is important to figure out.' How do you get by in life never having been taught to deal with other people’s emotions?? 

Why does it need to escalate (in 20min) to me leaving the room to be by myself, turning on the light on you, and saying hurtful things to get you to just ask why are you mad (another 20 min)? You’re only asking because you want to get it over with so you can sleep. 

Honestly I can’t even THINK straight while this is all going on. 

There’s two tiers of comprehension; 
Level 1: This is the chain of events (this happened, and then this, and after that…). 
Level 2: This is the pattern of behavior every time for me, and for her (I can’t seem to ever ask what I did wrong or what to know. She can’t seem to stop herself from escalating and is always wanting me to think I’m not perfect and figure out ways to address it). 

I have to push and scream to get him to think about what Level 1 was to me. I end up repeating what the Level 2 is maybe 3 times each conversation (which happens once a week or so) but he can’t arrive there himself OR articulate it.

I had a great day at work today, and I went to buy his shoes. He comes home and rejects them, AND on top of that refuse to acknowledge that he did _anything_ wrong, thinking he's a saint and that I’m magically crazy... for AN HOUR. What is someone supposed to do and feel in that hour of him being this way?; leave the room to by oneself, turn on the light on you, and say hurtful things. that’s what. (or maye not)

It could easily be: Dear, what did I do? you're upset. really, what did I do, I’m here to listen. I want to know what you’re feeling. tell me. - ok, this, this, this, and this. - oh, I didn’t even realize I did that. that really must not have felt good. Sorry, I was too tired when I came home and I guess I wasn’t thinking properly - thanks for asking. - kiss, hug, sleep. 5 MINUTES. done. 

why do i have to live like this? isn’t it reasonable to expect work to be done by him (and of course me)?????? Do i have to coach him on this?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm not sure I understand your post.
I would tell him "Dear, IF I am sleeping, do not wake me up".


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> I'm not sure I understand your post.
> I would tell him "Dear, IF I am sleeping, do not wake me up".


Yep Boundaries
Nope, you do not have to tolerate it
But yes... it starts and ends with you


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> I'm not sure I understand your post.
> I would tell him "Dear, IF I am sleeping, do not wake me up".


This + they the hell are you buying his shoes FOR him. That's setting yourself up for failure.

In order to buy shoes, one has to try them on/feel them out etc etc.

Your husband is a jerk....


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

remcatt said:


> It could easily be: Dear, what did I do? you're upset. really, what did I do, I’m here to listen. I want to know what you’re feeling. tell me. - ok, this, this, this, and this. - oh, I didn’t even realize I did that. that really must not have felt good. Sorry, I was too tired when I came home and I guess I wasn’t thinking properly - thanks for asking. - kiss, hug, sleep. 5 MINUTES. done.


Actually, not even above.

He should've let it go, get the receipt and go to the store the next day and get the shoes he wanted.

Didn't even need your involvement or waking you up in the middle of the night.

What the hell is he getting home so late for anyways?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm very confused about who did what. 

You were sleeping. It was midnight. He came into the bedroom making noises not trying to be quiet. He turned on the light and told you the dog made a mess in the living room and the shoes you bought him won't work.

Then you got mad but waited for him to notice you were mad and when he didn't, that made you even madder. So you left your bed and went to another room for about an hour, during which time he did not seek you out to understand A) if you were mad and B) why you were mad. As a result, you became even more mad.

When you're married to a man who is given to general dip-sh*tedness about when his wife is mad or why she might be mad you're going to have to resign yourself to teaching and coaching on how to deal with his wife's emotions. Yes, that sucks, but that is reality.

Still don't know who turned the light on who but not sure it matters.

Coaching is important and it's also important to understand that it is part of every marriage in some degree. We are not mind readers, none of us. Unfortunately, since males in western society aren't really encouraged to experience the range of emotions a female is, they lack understanding. It's like expecting your husband to know how you should accessorize your outfits.

Replay last night...

You're sleeping, he comes in and does what he does and you get angry. He doesn't notice you're angry and climbs into bed thinking everything is fine.

You have two choices.
1. Deal with it right then.
2. Deal with it later.

If you're too angry to get back to sleep, deal with it right then.

Take a deep breath to calm yourself, not to prep for a full head of steam.

Option1 dealing with events and expecting him to pair emotions to events.
"I'm angry that you showed no consideration for me when you came in. I was sound asleep, you didn't need to wake me. You also could have cleaned up after to dog yourself. You did not even thank me for getting you shoes before you refused them. You didn't handle this very well and I'm really angry about that!"

Option2 dealing with emotions and tying them to events.
"I'm hurt and feel like you don't appreciate or value me. It feels pretty dismissive when you wake me out of a sleep to complain. I did something nice for you today, bought you shoes, and you didn't thank me before you refused them. Being treated like this makes me very angry at you."


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

If my husband came in and woke me up to b*tch about dog messes and shoes, I'd tell him to clean up the mess since he's the one who saw it. Then I'd tell him we'd discuss the shoes tomorrow, and leave it at that.

It seems like a mountain was made of a mole hill, especially at midnight.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

First: Figure out if you're the husband or the wife posting (your username as been used by both).

Second: Get your pronouns straight. Your post makes no sense.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Do I see a bridge ahead?


----------



## remcatt (Aug 20, 2014)

Thank you! Very helpful and clear (and you seem to have the story right; tiny clarification: it was him who turned the light on)

All the best,
remcatt



Anon Pink said:


> I'm very confused about who did what.
> 
> You were sleeping. It was midnight. He came into the bedroom making noises not trying to be quiet. He turned on the light and told you the dog made a mess in the living room and the shoes you bought him won't work.
> 
> ...


----------



## remcatt (Aug 20, 2014)

Thank you for your comment!

Yes, I definitely a gree, it was made in to a huge mountain. And we both felt it too. I personally felt like my mind was lost, I was going crazy. 

A lot of the exaggerating or blowing up of the problem is that its recurring (waking me up at night when he arrives from work in this way, and not taking agency in figuring out why I'm mad and how he might fix it) and I very quickly, in 5 min time, build up anxiety about it happening again in the next day or so.

Not really logical but all too viceral...



Yes said:


> If my husband came in and woke me up to b*tch about dog messes and shoes, I'd tell him to clean up the mess since he's the one who saw it. Then I'd tell him we'd discuss the shoes tomorrow, and leave it at that.
> 
> It seems like a mountain was made of a mole hill, especially at midnight.


----------



## remcatt (Aug 20, 2014)

Yes, agreed.

I'm the wife, if that helps you a bit. 

I _was _ posting at 1:30 in the morning immediately after this event and just needed some kind of outlet and feedback. 

I know how annoying it is to read something that's hard to comprehend which is why I warned you all about it in advance. Take it or leave it. I really didn't mean to personally offend you.




Blondilocks said:


> First: Figure out if you're the husband or the wife posting (your username as been used by both).
> 
> Second: Get your pronouns straight. Your post makes no sense.


----------



## remcatt (Aug 20, 2014)

?



Q tip said:


> Do I see a bridge ahead?


----------



## remcatt (Aug 20, 2014)

Thank you, I agree and have said exactly this. 

It unfortunately gets like this because saying this is not effective enough.



Hicks said:


> I'm not sure I understand your post.
> I would tell him "Dear, IF I am sleeping, do not wake me up".


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Why are still wtih him? Do you have kids? do you work? do


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

God, if my husband woke me at midnight for something other than he, our daughter or one of our pets is sick I'd have something to say about that!!! F**k the shoes!!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Then you have to make it effective enough, OP.


----------



## remcatt (Aug 20, 2014)

Thanks for your comment!

Could you elaborate more on why you think I should leave him? 

Thanks,
R



WandaJ said:


> Why are still wtih him? Do you have kids? do you work? do


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He is abusive.


----------



## remcatt (Aug 20, 2014)

Isn't that a bit extreme?

Abusive? No. Incompetent? Totally. 

This is just one (painful and repetitive) part of our relationship. 



Blossom Leigh said:


> He is abusive.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Not from my personal experience, no, it is not extreme.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

remcatt said:


> Isn't that a bit extreme?
> 
> Abusive? No. Incompetent? Totally.
> 
> This is just one (painful and repetitive) part of our relationship.


It does sound like angry relationship. Read your own original post, it is full of hatred and anger. But maybe you two trive on this, in that case that's your life.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

remcatt said:


> why do i have to live like this? isn’t it reasonable to expect work to be done by him (and of course me)?????? Do i have to coach him on this?


You do not have to live like this. You are there by choice. The real question is, why are you still there? It's helpful to evaluate your reasons for being in a relationship. I'm not saying you should leave. It just helps to know why you are there.
During a time when you are both awake normally, have a calm conversation and tell him not to wake you up when you are sleeping. My husband and I worked different shift for years and years. We did not wake each other up. We both went to great pains to make sure the other person got his/her sleep, including when we had small children and my husband was working swing shift. My children are not especially quiet, but they learned to be considerate of their father when he was sleeping. If little children can get this concept, so can your grown husband. I assume you do not wake him when he is sleeping.
Yes, you do have to coach him on it, but not over and over again. Can you sleep with a nightlight? If so, I recommend you put one in your room, so he can see where is going at night when he gets home. If he keeps this up, take the light bulb out of the overhead light and refuse to engage with him when he wakes you up. This may take a few times, but he needs to understand that you are not going to tolerate being treated that way. Responding to him only makes it work for him.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK pardon me sleep lovers, but this "If I'm asleep don't wake me up" thing confuses the heck out of me. She goes to work in the morning 9-5 He works swing 3-12 If someone doesn't inconvenience some ones sleep these two will only see each other on weekends, and that only if someone shifts their sleep schedule twice a week. 
How is less communication going to help this situation?
And how the heck do I explain to my Wife that if I just happen to be asleep and she wants to communicate or flirt or snuggle or whatever. . . . Just wake me up because interaction with her is what I live for, not sleep. 
Rant over.

Now I know you asked for "thoughtful, constructive responses" and I threw a rant at you. So in reply to your demand (not request), stop buying his shoes. Swing gives him time to wake up at 10 and shop during the non busy hours. and as DoF says how are you supposed to get a good fit?
MN


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

When my husband and I worked different shifts, we would meet for lunch a couple times a week.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mr. Nail, really? angrily waking up your spouse at midnigth is the solutions to conflicting schedule? Come on!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If he was waking her up out of a loving arrangement, there wouldn't be issue with it, but he isn't. He is waking her up to be an a**


----------

