# Feeling sick with anxiety



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm sure that by now, most know my story. Hubs and I separated on June 9th, and life has actually been much more relaxed and positive since then. I haven't regretted my decision to separate at all, and know that it's the right decision for both of us. I feel healthier, and way less tense and stressed.

The decision path that I took to get here was a long and hard one, filled with anxiety and panic attacks. I've also felt none of that since that day with the couple's counsellor. Today however, the anxiety is starting again, and I feel the panic attacks coming as well. Our wedding anniversary date is coming up at the beginning of August, and I think this might be why. It sucks in a big, big way. When we got married, we had a lot of learning to do about each other yet, but we were full of hope for our future. I thought that we would be best friends who got to walk through life together, and separation/divorce was the furthest thing from our minds. 

Appointment #2 with the couple's counsellor is coming up in the 2nd week of August, after our anniversary, and I'm nervous about it. I don't know how he's doing or what he's feeling, or whether or not he's begun to move on. I'm desperate for the appointment to be over with, and have started to have anxiety about it as well.

I still don't regret my initial decision to separate though, and honestly couldn't imagine a stable future with him. I'm excited about the future, but am feeling pretty horrible right now. Is it normal for this to finally be hitting me, nearly 2 months after the fact?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Ursula said:


> I'm sure that by now, most know my story. Hubs and I separated on June 9th, and life has actually been much more relaxed and positive since then. I haven't regretted my decision to separate at all, and know that it's the right decision for both of us. I feel healthier, and way less tense and stressed.
> 
> The decision path that I took to get here was a long and hard one, filled with anxiety and panic attacks. I've also felt none of that since that day with the couple's counsellor. Today however, the anxiety is starting again, and I feel the panic attacks coming as well. Our wedding anniversary date is coming up at the beginning of August, and I think this might be why. It sucks in a big, big way. When we got married, we had a lot of learning to do about each other yet, but we were full of hope for our future. I thought that we would be best friends who got to walk through life together, and separation/divorce was the furthest thing from our minds.
> 
> ...


Many of us were worried you were moving too fast without getting right with yourself first.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Wishing you only the best, @Ursula , during this most tumultuous period!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Ursula, what are you hoping to get out of the session? What are the goals? 

Anxiety is very normal under the circumstances. I had anxiety until I could finally move away from my ex H. But my situation was different and all doors were firmly closed once I was gone.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> Many of us were worried you were moving too fast without getting right with yourself first.


 @ReturntoZero, yes, I understand that, and regret my actions. Lo and behold, this other man had been suggesting we get together numerous times, only to cancel because something came up. I've been keeping myself pretty busy, so it wasn't a big deal, BUT, if someone wants to spend time with you, they will make an effort to do so. This tells me a lot about what his personality is still like, even after 10 years of knowing him. Some people never change, and I'm glad I'm no longer contacting him!
@arbitrator, thanks!
@Satya, what I'm hoping to get out of this session is a nice, calm conclusion to our relationship. My goal is to split amicably, and without drama or incident. I'm very much hoping that he has found someone else (better suited to him) to keep him company, and that he's realized that we really aren't right for one another.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey there,

So, tomorrow is H's and my second meeting with the couple's counsellor, and the first time we'll have spoken in 2 months, and boy am I nervous. So nervous and stressed out that the stress pain is back in my upper arm, which kept me up last night, and it's also in my back and neck. My neck hurts so much in the mornings that I have to physically help my head off the pillow. Looking forward to that going away!

My question is this: I've noticed through social media, that H is still wearing his wedding band. I took mine off shortly after we separated, and began wearing another ring that I had bought myself before H was in the picture. For our meeting, do I put my wedding set back on, or just leave my finger naked?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Hey there,
> 
> So, tomorrow is H's and my second meeting with the couple's counsellor, and the first time we'll have spoken in 2 months, and boy am I nervous. So nervous and stressed out that the stress pain is back in my upper arm, which kept me up last night, and it's also in my back and neck. My neck hurts so much in the mornings that I have to physically help my head off the pillow. Looking forward to that going away!
> 
> My question is this: I've noticed through social media, that H is still wearing his wedding band. I took mine off shortly after we separated, and began wearing another ring that I had bought myself before H was in the picture. For our meeting, do I put my wedding set back on, or just leave my finger naked?


Since you haven't been wearing it and you're wanting to split instead of reconcile, I'd just be honest about your intentions and not wear it. You'll be giving him the wrong message if you wear the ring. 

I hope your neck/back feels better soon.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks @tropicalbeachiwish, that's what I was kind of thinking as well; just wanted some clarification/confirmation. And thanks, I hope this insane pain goes away soon too. During the day is fine, but at night when it keeps me up, is when it's not a good thing.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, I'm sorry this is so long.

H and I had our second appointment with the therapist last night, and we've come to the decision to part ways. He was devastated, and really would like to fix things. I feel like things have just gone too far to be fixed. The therapist said that a further no-contact separation wouldn't be good for us, and nor would moving back in together. She suggested that we start dating again, and take it from there. Our communication is awful. In appointment #1, I said that I had felt very picked apart and not heard in the marriage, and at a point during both the first and second appointments, the therapist stopped H, and made it clear that he was doing just that. I had no idea, and sadly, thought that we were having a great conversation! A few things that were brought up last night:

- a month or 2 after our wedding, H woke up one Sunday in a full-on panic attack, and stated that he was very stressed out and that he didn't think he could be married and work full time at the same time, and that he was thinking about quitting his job the following week. That put me into a panic because I make about half of his salary, and couldn't manage supporting the entire household on my that. What he had wanted at the time was support, and what he got was a freaked out wife. This made him wary to share anything of importance with me ever again, as I learned last night. At the time though, we were essentially just getting to know one another, and I really didn't know if he would quit his job.

- a couple months after we started dating, I took him out for a fancy supper. During that, he said that he had something to ask me, to which I replied (jokingly, I thought) with, "are you going to ask me to marry you?" He didn't, but I then stated that if he had asked, I'd have said yes. To me, that was a jovial conversation, but he took it seriously, and that's why he asked me to marry him 3 months after dating. So, I'm the one who pushed the marriage idea along, and I didn't even realize it. 

- He talked about how unkind I am to him, especially during arguments. Yes, I have been rude in the past when bringing up issues. That's usually because the issue is something that's been bugging me for awhile, or I had brought it up before and nothing had been solved. I had no right to be rude about it, and should have conducted myself in a nicer manner no matter how hurt I was. But, it seemed to be an ongoing complaint, no matter how I brought things up.

- He focused on finances last night, and said that he believes that the root of our problems started with what is essentially a landlord/tenant relationship. Neither of us had lived with a significant other before, and were feeling our way along. I remember being pretty stressed about finances because I was carrying the brunt of them, and we didn't have a joint account. I had asked him a few times to come to the bank with me to set up a joint account, but in the end, he didn't make the time to do so, and I didn't push for it. Now, it's a blessing, but at the time, maybe it would've been helpful. In our original prenup, it was stated that should we part ways, any "rent" money that H contributed during the time that we lived in my place, I would owe him back. We got that changed a year later, even though he didn't want it changed, and that was something he talked about last night too. If he pushes for that to actually happen, I would owe him nearly $20,000.

- When I had asked him in the new year about why he never brought up issues, he stated that there was nothing that bothered him enough to bring up. Last night, the therapist asked him the same thing, and he mentioned a couple things (the landlord/tenant thing, and my being unkind), and he was told that being that I was the one to bring up all of the issues, that shifted the balance in our relationship, and probably left me feeling and looking like the bad guy. He also said that he always left it up to me to check in with him a day or 2 after an argument just to make sure that all was well. I didn't always do this, and he said that a mistake on his part was that he never checked in with me to make sure that all was well. 

So now, I'm second guessing myself and the decision. Four years ago, I really wanted to plan a future with him, and am sad that that is no longer. I feel awful that I've hurt him, and am just generally sad and stressed out. My body tends to not handle stress in the best of ways, and usually end up with intense pain somewhere, and a sore/tight chest. Is it normal to second guess? How does one stop that process? Any advice on getting through this time would be really appreciated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like you gave him the idea you wanted to get married and he felt you would take care of him -- as his mom was doing at the time -- so he asked you. Some people do second guess the decision to divorce. It eventually goes away. Make yourself focus on other stuff. Pamper yourself. And remind yourself every day that this is the better path. He's had plenty of time to grow up since you've been married and he hasn't. Some people never do. Let his mom go back to taking care of him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Sounds like you gave him the idea you wanted to get married and he felt you would take care of him -- as his mom was doing at the time -- so he asked you. Some people do second guess the decision to divorce. It eventually goes away. Make yourself focus on other stuff. Pamper yourself. And remind yourself every day that this is the better path. He's had plenty of time to grow up since you've been married and he hasn't. Some people never do. Let his mom go back to taking care of him.


Yes, apparently that's the case, and you know what? That's what I did; take care of him the best that I could. We had agreed to do our laundry separately because he was a lot more conscientious and detailed about it than I was, and I had told him that I couldn't get up pre-5AM to make his breakfast and lunches like his Mom did, and he was fine with that. Still second guessing, but that sick feeling is a little less today. Focusing on other things sounds like a good thing to do at this time, but I've never been one to pamper myself. This is the better path, and there _has_ to be someone out there for each of us who will be a better match, right? God, I hope so. I'm not sure where he's staying, but I would think it's with his Mom again, and I think that she'd be pretty happy to have him back.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you tell him about the guy you hooked up with?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Did you tell him about the guy you hooked up with?


No, nothing like that came up in conversation. Although had we tried for reconciliation, I'd have told him.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Ursula said:


> No, nothing like that came up in conversation. Although had we tried for reconciliation, I'd have told him.


And you wonder why you're stressed?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Are you on meds for anxiety? Intense pain and chest pains can mean panic attacks along with your anxiety. I am so much better on my meds. I can think more rationally and not worry so much. It's still there, just more manageable. 
Even something temporary for now can help a lot.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Get a new pillow.

Do not spend to much time on the computer...head bent at bad angle.

Do not read too much or look at the computer in bed. Head bent at bad angle for long periods of time.

During the day, consciously hold your head up and back. Walk around like you are snobby!

Find a new sleeping position, laying on your back might be less stressful than sleeping on your side. 

If you do sleep on your side, find a taller pillow.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> And you wonder why you're stressed?


This isn't even close to the reason that I'm stressed out. It's more things like: divorce after a rather short marriage, feeling like a failure, disappointing those around me to a point, finances, whether or not either of us will ever find happiness with someone else. The fact that I slept with someone while H and I were separated actually doesn't even factor into the stress of it to be honest.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Are you on meds for anxiety? Intense pain and chest pains can mean panic attacks along with your anxiety. I am so much better on my meds. I can think more rationally and not worry so much. It's still there, just more manageable.
> Even something temporary for now can help a lot.


I'm not on anxiety meds at this point, no, but if this continues, I will go see my doctor. Panic attacks have been happening on a regular basis lately as well, and they've been waking me up and keeping me up at night. The thing with those is that H started on them during our first year of marriage, and it ended up taking about TWO YEARS to get him weaned off of them. I don't want to be on meds for the long term.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ursula said:


> I'm not on anxiety meds at this point, no, but if this continues, I will go see my doctor. Panic attacks have been happening on a regular basis lately as well, and they've been waking me up and keeping me up at night. The thing with those is that H started on them during our first year of marriage, and it ended up taking about TWO YEARS to get him weaned off of them. I don't want to be on meds for the long term.


I had a hard time mentally overcoming that as well. I was told a while ago that my chances of ever being off meds were slim to none and going on and off them will be more damaging than staying on them for life. That was hard to accept. But I can't live my life to the fullest without them. Every time I went off them and I remembered how bad it was and going back on them let me be me again. 
I had to stop looking at it as a weakness or something I had to figure out how to manage on my own. 
I have a chronic medical illness that requires medication. 

Don't worry about how long you will need them, find one that works without side effects for you for now and you can deal with all that later. 

Anxiety sucks. I've never spoken to anyone with it who after they were on meds regretted going on meds. It was like someone took weights off them and they were theirselves again. They remembered what it was like living without panic and they couldn't believe how long they suffered before getting help.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I had a hard time mentally overcoming that as well. I was told a while ago that my chances of ever being off meds were slim to none and going on and off them will be more damaging than staying on them for life. That was hard to accept. But I can't live my life to the fullest without them. Every time I went off them and I remembered how bad it was and going back on them let me be me again.
> I had to stop looking at it as a weakness or something I had to figure out how to manage on my own.
> I have a chronic medical illness that requires medication.
> 
> ...


Thank-you for the insight, and it's definitely something that I'm going to consider. You're right, living in panic is an awful way to live.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Ursula said:


> This isn't even close to the reason that I'm stressed out. It's more things like: divorce after a rather short marriage, feeling like a failure, disappointing those around me to a point, finances, whether or not either of us will ever find happiness with someone else. The fact that I slept with someone while H and I were separated actually doesn't even factor into the stress of it to be honest.


Anytime you run-walk-crawl, it's stressful.

Taking things out of sequence causes intense emotional pressure. For one thing, the pressure to be "right this time".


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> Anytime you run-walk-crawl, it's stressful.
> 
> Taking things out of sequence causes intense emotional pressure. For one thing, the pressure to be "right this time".


Oh, there was never any pressure with this other man. This is the 3rd time that we've "hooked up" over the past 10 or so years, and I expected it to be exactly what it was the other 2 times: get together a couple times, and then I don't hear from him again for a very long time. And, that's exactly what it was. He's a player, and that's the type of man he's always been. I knew that going in, and I would _never_ settle down with someone who would get bored to quickly with me.


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