# I'm lost and I need any and all advice



## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

I've been with my hubby for nearing 13 years now. We met when I was still in HS - moved in together right after graduation and I have pretty much supported us since. He has worked on and off - not really anything steady. We had our son in 2006 - when he was at his best. He had worked the same job for 1.5 years and we seemed to be happy. However after we had our son and money became tighter he became himself again. He stays home with our son and he is a great daddy, I would never deny him that. But, I do everything. I work in computer engineering and make a decent wage - but we could always use more money. My hubby's family is terrible - they are a whole different story. Basically if I leave him he is all alone. He has no resources.

If I stay I face the same dreaded days in and out. I cook, I clean, I work at least 40 hours a week, I fix anything that needs to be fixed, I change the oil in my mini van! I do it all. If he appreciates any of this I wouldn't know. He hands out much more criticism than I feel I am due. 

He's funny and can be fun to be around, but those days seem to be fewer and farther in between occurances. I don't know what to do. I dread being home with him. I give him everything he wants, he has every game system, games, a big screen in the bedroom, blu ray player - you name it he has it. And yet he still is sooooo unappreciative. 

I just don't know what to do....any advice would be appreciated. I am an intelligent person I am just so lost on this one.....


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

You should consider marriage counselling. Hang in there, I'm sorry I don't have and really good advice for you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

He continues to act this way because you have let him get away with it for so long. Counseling might help but until you set some boundaries and expectations nothing will change. Time for a sit down with some realistic and fair goals for him. There is no valid reason for him to not pitch in and take the lead in the home chores. He has been further enabled in that he has "every game in the world" and chooses to waist his time on those instead of stepping up to the plate. Be prepared for some push back from him, make the conversation revolve around what is best of the the marriage and family and try to keep it from being accusatory. Good luck.

PS, is this the kind of roll model your son should grow up with?


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

Years ago when I was younger I wanted to provide for his every need. Anything he wanted I worked hard to get him. I thought that is what you were supposed to do for your significant other. It wasn't returned - he rarely even acknowledges birthdays and such. But, I assumed because we were young and the whole girls grow up faster than boys thing had been drilled in my head since I was young. It's obviously out of control now.

I have tried explaining my feelings to him and my concerns of what his activities are doing to us and our family. He'll be better for a week or so and then right back to it. I forgot to mention that I am also a left leg amputee. I was insecure in my younger years and I think that may be part of why I stayed with him? He was the popular boy in school and all.....and I felt lucky to have him. Now, I am not feeling so lucky and I am much more secure with who I am.

I just feel bad. I feel like I have contributed to creating this monster and now I need to contribute to fixing it but i don't know how. 

I am to the point lately where I just want to be alone with my son. We do normal things all of the time - gymnastics class, park visits, playdates.....most people think I am a single mom until they get to know me. I don't mind that but lately he has been acting funnty about me doing anything.....I am just not sure what to do.


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> He continues to act this way because you have let him get away with it for so long. Counseling might help but until you set some boundaries and expectations nothing will change. Time for a sit down with some realistic and fair goals for him. There is no valid reason for him to not pitch in and take the lead in the home chores. He has been further enabled in that he has "every game in the world" and chooses to waist his time on those instead of stepping up to the plate. Be prepared for some push back from him, make the conversation revolve around what is best of the the marriage and family and try to keep it from being accusatory. Good luck.
> 
> PS, is this the kind of roll model your son should grow up with?


It's not the kind of role model I want for my son however when do you know when it's ok to take a son away from his father? It's not as easy as saying I want a better role model. He is a great dad, that is why I have stayed. He can tell you what our son likes and silikes and knows every single quirk about him. He's excellent in that aspect. But, that is the only thing he is good about. And, I think maybe part of that is beacuse he knows that my son is my life and I will live and die for him. He knows that anything negative in regards to my son is a deal breaker.


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

Sven said:


> You should consider marriage counselling. Hang in there, I'm sorry I don't have and really good advice for you.


He won't do counseling. I've been twice but both times they said that they couldn't do much for me but listen unless he participates. I have a good job, no addicitions, a good family....nothing I really struggle with except his behaviors.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When you say the problems are his behaviors and activities, what does that mean? Is it the lack of working and providing for your family, not helping out around the house, etc. or other things?

Not that those aren't reason enough to be fed up...if he is a stay at home dad, he should be doing the bulk of the housework, cooking, etc. I can understand you must be tired of it all.

I met my ex in high school and he liked to work as little as possible, but when he was home did not want to take over as stay at home dad. It took its toll on me to pay a nanny when he was home...

Anyway, I don't think my current husband would ever be happy as a stay at home dad with me working and neither would I. It does work well for some couples but I do think in cases where it's working the wife takes her career seriously and the husband takes raising the kids and caring for the home seriously.

I think he needs a wake-up call. Catering to him, buying him toys, etc. sort of set you up in this mother/son relationship rather than husband/wife...I think you need to tell him you feel more like a mom than a wife (if that's the case)...you are overwhelmed, unhappy, fed up...etc. he needs to know that you are at the end of your rope and need something to change...either him stepping up or you going it on your own...maybe if he knows you are much more secure with yourself and strong he will realize he needs to step up.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

swedish said:


> I think he needs a wake-up call. Catering to him, buying him toys, etc. sort of set you up in this mother/son relationship rather than husband/wife...I think you need to tell him you feel more like a mom than a wife (if that's the case)...you are overwhelmed, unhappy, fed up....


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

swedish said:


> When you say the problems are his behaviors and activities, what does that mean? Is it the lack of working and providing for your family, not helping out around the house, etc. or other things?
> 
> Not that those aren't reason enough to be fed up...if he is a stay at home dad, he should be doing the bulk of the housework, cooking, etc. I can understand you must be tired of it all.
> 
> ...


He plays video games all of the time, browses the computer the rest of the time. He is very quick to criticize me if something is forgotten. For example, if I forget to return a movie I get lectured and treated like a forgetful child. I do so much everyday....I am home everyday for lunch to see my son and to lay him down for his nap. I make at least one "run" to the store daily for something hubby wants....usually cigarettes or silly snacks. I maintain our everyday life - I am tired. 

If I am in a bad mood and even slightly show this off to him I am lectured and cursed at. I have been called every name under the sun....so many times.... We usually argue when I say something about his lack of assistance around the house. 

I sleep on the couch nearly every night because he is up smoking and playing video games all night long. He doesn't sleep much at night. He naps during the day when our son naps. 

Sex is good, used to be better but it's good. He would rather "assist" me with toys than actually have sex. For years it was that way. he would even keep the TV on and laugh out loud sometimes in response to the TV show that was on. Soooooo not romantic at all. Lately he complains because forplay sucks...."I just lay there and make him do all of the work" - for years that is what he wanted. Now he gets mad at me for not inittiating the foreplay? I just don't know if there is anything I can do to make this man happy.....

Am I broken or is he?


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

We're only hearing one side of the story - but from what you say, he is broken.

Based on the well considered advise above, I'm guess you both are.

The more I go through these threads the more I'm realizing that my wife controlled the marriage for 21 years and I'm a 'doormat'. You'll have to cut him off from everything you do....move out for a time if necessary to get the message across.

Good luck!


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## elwayfanatic (Nov 26, 2009)

im astounded there are so many guys like this...its sickening....and i sorry you have to deal with it...


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Well im going to be him for the moment in a way i sound like him to some degree and have been working on myself for them changes but sadly i had to have a strong push called her kicking me out and saying she is divorcing me to see where i had gone wrong and it took more then a couple weeks for me to realize truely realize what it was that was wrong cause to me it came as a sudden shock with just a seconds thought to it from her but to her it was years of the same old same old and i didnt no it..
So i will say it might be hard but you need to make the time to say hey this is serious this is how im feeling and if you cant change or try to meet half way atleast then i need to go and move on with my life.. If he doesnt respond you no your answer if he truely loves and cares for you he will , he might even need a taste of what losing you is actually like , like me im thickheaded and had to get a real taste of it to actually reflect and get off my butt and become a true man a father and a husband and right now i get to play that role very very little at this moment but i am still trying and wont give up cause i no what she really means to me now that i have seen what its like to actually lose her and in this case being there with my kids all the time i took for grantide what i had and that is probably something he is too and video games and computer games were a large part of that to tell you the truth.. 
So if you want things to work out you got to be open and blunt and very serious with him to actually get the point if he dont then respond then make a bigger move and see if he does then , if he does id say give him the chance and if he starts to backslide let him no and if he still does it then you no what you need to do and im sure you no it in your own heart that this would be right..
Atleast this is how i feel not saying im right for sure but im fairly certain it is


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## Girl33 (Nov 27, 2009)

If it was me... I would cut off all of this buying him stuff crap. I then would tell him I have had it with you being lazy and not working, I am not your mother! I am not here to take care or you, raise you, work, cook, and clean for you and be at your beck and call no way! Tell him he has got one week to find a job or get out. You are the bread winner, you pay for everything, you need to put your foot down and tell him this is enough! Do something or get out, he can still see your son but he needs to work and provide for his family like a father/husband should. That is just ridiculous, you do all that work and he does nothing. I would understand if he had a disability and could not work but he could still draw a check.. my dad does but that is not his case. You have to be stern with him and let him know your serious because he is used to you being his sugar mama and living off you and getting a free ride for a long time.


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