# my wife cheated on me and said nothing until 10 years had passed



## faithfulman42 (Mar 1, 2013)

Life 10 years ago....She had a fella friend that I knew about, they worked together. Early days into work, home late nights for her was the norm back then. Excuses from working late to breakfast with work friends were used. Didn't think much of it until the late night texts when she was home began. I confronted her,I begged and pleaded that the focus needed to be on us, our child and our 10 year marriage at the time. My pleas and begging went avoided. Then one day it just ended. What appeared to be a friendship on the outside looking in had just ended. He was going back to his hometown to make amends with his wife and mine apologized for not listening to me and promised to "be a better wife." Hadn't heard anything what-so-ever until........ Fast forward 10 years later(Feb 26,2013).Went to go shut off the alarm on her phone and low and behold, one too many clicks revealed a heart crushing text stating to the fella friend "I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" Well this confrontation lead to her confessing that they had slept together(once).Needless to say all the negative feelings came back, the trust factor went out the window and sleepless nights have consumed my life.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

faithfulman42 said:


> Life 10 years ago....She had a fella friend that I knew about, they worked together. Early days into work, home late nights for her was the norm back then. Excuses from working late to breakfast with work friends were used. Didn't think much of it until the late night texts when she was home began. I confronted her,I begged and pleaded that the focus needed to be on us, our child and our 10 year marriage at the time. My pleas and begging went avoided. Then one day it just ended. What appeared to be a friendship on the outside looking in had just ended. He was going back to his hometown to make amends with his wife and mine apologized for not listening to me and promised to "be a better wife." Hadn't heard anything what-so-ever until........ Fast forward 10 years later(Feb 26,2013).Went to go shut off the alarm on her phone and low and behold, one too many clicks revealed a heart crushing text stating to the fella friend "I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" Well this confrontation lead to her confessing that they had slept together(once).Needless to say all the negative feelings came back, the trust factor went out the window and sleepless nights have consumed my life.


She played you and you begged and pleaded instead of putting your foot down. She is still playing you. Pack her bags and tell her she is out the door until she starts telling the full truth. 

Do you really think that she worked late all those nights, had 'breakfast with work friends' all those times and they only slept together once? Right. 

The only reason this ended in the first place was because OM wanted to get back with his wife.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

faithfulman42 said:


> Life 10 years ago....She had a fella friend that I knew about, they worked together. Early days into work, home late nights for her was the norm back then. Excuses from working late to breakfast with work friends were used. Didn't think much of it until the late night texts when she was home began. I confronted her,I begged and pleaded that the focus needed to be on us, our child and our 10 year marriage at the time. My pleas and begging went avoided. Then one day it just ended. What appeared to be a friendship on the outside looking in had just ended. He was going back to his hometown to make amends with his wife and mine apologized for not listening to me and promised to "be a better wife." Hadn't heard anything what-so-ever until........ Fast forward 10 years later(Feb 26,2013).Went to go shut off the alarm on her phone and low and behold, one too many clicks revealed a heart crushing text stating to the fella friend "I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" Well this confrontation lead to her confessing that they had slept together(once).Needless to say all the negative feelings came back, the trust factor went out the window and sleepless nights have consumed my life.


Did anything about her behavior characteristically change before you learned about those text messages? Anything that might have suggested an affair that you were overlooking? 10 years is a lot of time for her to "miss" lying and waking up next to him. More so if it only happened "once". Are you sure she wasn't with him at the very least sparsely in that 10 year period? 

They were supposedly physically apart for 10 years with no contact. What triggered her to send those texts? Who initiated contact if they have infact had no association with each other for that 10 years, her or the OM?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need the full truth. 
Counselling might help. Sorry you are here, but glad you found us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

faithfulman42 said:


> I confronted her,I begged and pleaded that the focus needed to be on us, our child and our 10 year marriage at the time.


Sorry you are going through this. Here are few thoughts on your situtation ...

1) Never beg and plead for a cheater to stop .. they just lose respect for you and pull further away anyway

2) There is no way in hell they slept together "once" .. they slept together many, many times. She's been lying to you for 10 years, why should you believe her now?

3) Sounds like she has been cheating your entire marriage. So basically, you're the only who's been married. She's been doing whatever and whoever she wants it seems. She wanted to replace you with this work dude and only stopped b/c he moved. From the text it sounds like she still wants that.

4) My advice to you .. leave her and don't look back. 

If you actually believe there is something to salvage here (which I do not), then if she is at all serious in being married she will come begging and crying to you to come back .... but only once you've left. If you are wishy-washy and leave her with the impression you'll take her back this won't work. 

Hell, even if you are cold and calm about leaving her there is still only a small chance your marriage can be saved. But like I said, I honestly don't think there is anything to save here. People who've been cheating for this long cannot be changed. It's just who they are. That is why I say leave her.

My 2 cents.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If you really want all the answers have her take a polygraph
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

haha....slept together once....you REALLY dont believe that do you?


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## faithfulman42 (Mar 1, 2013)

I had a gastric bypass and lost a ton of weight back at the beginning of all this. She followed me doing the same about a year after. The big wedge had already set in when my weight had come off. Maybe begging and pleading isn't the correct term because that sounds like I was on my hands and knees. But we had many drag out fights discussing her marriage priorities and how I keep getting shoved to the back of the bus.She had blamed me for infidelity first but looking back, I think it was the guilt she was having.


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## faithfulman42 (Mar 1, 2013)

I'm having difficulty believing it was just once that they hooked up. But after 10 years that she kept it from me, its hard to look back on the specifics if you know what I mean. I've spent the first couple of the last 10 years trying to forget that period.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Look into a mirror and say this to yourself loud ""I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" 

One time?

You are being Trickle Truthed.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

faithfulman42 said:


> She had blamed me for infidelity first but looking back, I think it was the guilt she was having.


You may have been responsible for problems in th marriage, and her being unhappy - but the infidelity was her decision, and rests entirely with her. She could have chosen divorce instead, and not betrayed anyone.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

She blamed me for the infidelity.

Classic Blame Shifting.

SHE made the CHOICE to have an affair. She had other options, Divorce, Counseling, yet she chose to have an affair.

She disrespected you.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

faithfulman42 said:


> Maybe begging and pleading isn't the correct term because that sounds like I was on my hands and knees. But we had many drag out fights discussing her marriage priorities and how I keep getting shoved to the back of the bus.She had blamed me for infidelity first but looking back, I think it was the guilt she was having.


Cheaters tend to "project" their guilt by accusing others of doing what they themselves are actually doing as you seem to realize. Also, they tend to "trickle truth" you once they are busted. 

For example if they claim they "only kissed", then 90% they had sex. If they claim they had sex "only once", then 90% they lost count of the number of times they had sex, if they claim they always used protection .. then 90% they were having unprotected sex, etc, etc. Get the picture?

Remember, you now know this person is capable of telling you big lies and keeping them hidden ... for 10 years! Why in the world would you believe anything she says now?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Your big problem now is that you stayed with her after her first affair. You set the table for the rest of your life. I'm sorry to say that what you are going to go through now is a result of your inaction and not following through properly the first time. So what are you going to do now? He wants back in her life, that's clear. Will you continue to be taken advantage of or will you say "Me or Him"?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

faithfulman42 said:


> I'm having difficulty believing it was just once that they hooked up. But after 10 years that she kept it from me, its hard to look back on the specifics if you know what I mean. I've spent the first couple of the last 10 years trying to forget that period.


Cheaters admit to "once" only when there is evidence they were with someone else. They rarely admit to more than you can prove.

My thought is they say "once" (when they are caught) because that implies guilt made them limit the number out of consideration for their betrayed spouse. That's usually not the case.

Sorry you've had your fears confirmed but we all know that feeling.


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

It started 10 years ago...and today there is sexy text? Dude, they never stopped, at least emotionally. This is a 10 year affair.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She had sex with him once and she misses waking besides him in his arm.REALLY?

Did the A ever stopped? I doubt it. It may have been going on on and off for ten yrs. Else she wont be writing this now.

Ask her for a polygraph and hear her excuses. she is going to give you a lot of excuses and blame you for her A. Dont allow this to happen. 
At least dont beg and plead this time. Stay strong and man up.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She had sex with him once and she misses waking besides him in his arm.REALLY?

Did the A ever stopped? I doubt it. It may have been going on on and off for ten yrs. Else she wont be writing this now.

Ask her for a polygraph and hear her excuses. she is going to give you a lot of excuses and blame you for her A. Dont allow this to happen. 
At least dont beg and plead this time. Stay strong and man up.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

faithfulman42 said:


> I'm having difficulty believing it was just once that they hooked up. But after 10 years that she kept it from me, its hard to look back on the specifics if you know what I mean. I've spent the first couple of the last 10 years trying to forget that period.


They always say "once" at first because they don't want to shock you all at once with all the facts.

She is lying, no doubt.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She had sex with him once and she misses waking besides him in his arm.REALLY?
> 
> Did the A ever stopped? I doubt it. It may have been going on on and off for ten yrs. Else she wont be writing this now.
> 
> ...


Polygraph time that's if you even want to save this.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

I agree....No way this was a one in and out!!! To miss it after 10 years of laying next to another??? How would you even remember laying next to a one time screw after all this time!

The biggest problem is the statement itself missing laying next to him and not you!!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

faithfulman42 said:


> Fast forward 10 years later(Feb 26,2013)went to go shut off the alarm on her phone and low and behold, one too many clicks revealed a heart crushing text stating to the fella friend "I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" Well this confrontation lead to her confessing that they had slept together(once)needless to say all the negative feelings came back, the trust factor went out the window and sleepless nights have consumed my life.


FM42,

When I caught my wife in a many year affair, I got the "only once" response. When caught... they will try anything to minimize regardless how silly it sounds. A few weeks after DD she finally broke and admitted that they had been meeting in hotels for sex for years on end. 

Here's the point... I imagined that they were sneaking off every other week over the years or how else could they keep up this affair relationship. It doesn't work that way with affairs.

I was a Newb just like you are right now. See, LT affairs are not real life, while things can be said and sex is present, they don't have to deal with the distractions of marriage. They only have to concentrate on one thing... selfish gratification. 

My wife admitted that she and her OM would sometimes go many months with zero contact. No email, no text, no calls, nothing. Then for no reason, she would email him something like...

"Hey, what you up to?"

and they off and running and planning their next secret meeting in some far off hotel. After a day of screwing in some hotel, they would go back to minimal contact and after a few weeks would stop all together for as long as 6 months. 

I know this sounds really weird, almost unbelievable, but long term many year affairs can exist like this. In counseling, my wife admitted that it was like a band-aid for her to life's issues. A little "pick-me-up" if you will.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

faithfulman42 said:


> Life 10 years ago....She had a fella friend that I knew about, they worked together. Early days into work, home late nights for her was the norm back then. Excuses from working late to breakfast with work friends were used. Didn't think much of it until the late night texts when she was home began. I confronted her,I begged and pleaded that the focus needed to be on us, our child and our 10 year marriage at the time. My pleas and begging went avoided. Then one day it just ended. What appeared to be a friendship on the outside looking in had just ended. He was going back to his hometown to make amends with his wife and mine apologized for not listening to me and promised to "be a better wife." Hadn't heard anything what-so-ever until........ Fast forward 10 years later(Feb 26,2013).Went to go shut off the alarm on her phone and low and behold, one too many clicks revealed a heart crushing text stating to the fella friend "I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" Well this confrontation lead to her confessing that they had slept together(once).Needless to say all the negative feelings came back, the trust factor went out the window and sleepless nights have consumed my life.


Slept together one time? LTA (Long Term Affair)?










There's a lot more to it that you haven't found out. And the last 10 years of your marriage has been a lie.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As others have said, once is bullsh!t. They have very likely been having sex for 10 years. Think back. Has your wife gone out of town without you? She was probably going to meet him and screw. Have you gone out of town without her? He was probably coming into town while you were gone to meet her.

10 years ago, most of her late nights and early mornings were meeting the other man for sex. Sorry.

So, don't allow your wife, or yourself, to think that, because 10 years have passed, the statute of limitations for affairs have passed. There is no statute of limitations. And even if there were, your wife's text shows that the affair never ended.

You are now faced with the choice of trying to end your wife's 10-year affair, accepting that you have an open marriage, or leaving her. Regardless of what your choice is, please don't beg and plead for your marriage. It NEVER works. We'll give you some advice that will be much more effective, if you need it.

Good luck.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry you are here. The above are correct. The probability of once is the same as me winning pick 3 tonight.

Time to go into sleuth mode. Be prepared.

same script new day.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

They had sex only once and ten years later he's still texting her about it?

Yeah right.

More likely they had a lot of sex back when he worked with her.

He moved away, but they've kept in touch, and they have continued to hookup when the opportunity presented itself.

No guy is going to be texting a decade later to a ONS.

Sorry, but not only did she cheat 10 years ago, it's pretty certain she's continuing to cheat.

Find this guys wife and alert her and then compare notes, business trip dates etc. you've got an active affair here.

Get her cell records and see how often she texts him, calls him etc.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

faithfulman42 said:


> Went to go shut off the alarm on her phone and low and behold, one too many clicks revealed a heart crushing text stating to the fella friend "I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" Well this confrontation lead to her confessing that they had slept together(once).



As others suggested, sometimes you have to take a step back and look at things from the perspective of what is practically likely.

The english language is incredible in its complexity, specifically because of the way that what is not said tends to affect how we word a phrase. 

For instance, if the average person had a friend during their dating years, and this friendship led to a one time sexual encounter, 9 out of 10 english-speaking people would say this in later years on a text: "I remember the time we were together, and how it felt to wake in your arms."

Take that same relationship, but add a longer period of sexual intimacy, where they were together often, and the same follow-up text years later would be, "I remember how it felt to wake in your arms,", implying a plural, repeated event that created an emotional bond.

Does this prove anything? No. Maybe your wife was in a hurry, and just trying to build it into something more. But please think about what she was saying. Just my opinion. When you get complete honesty from her, and know in your heart that you have it, then you can learn to let go of the doubts if you follow the path of healing the relationship.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

'Once', according to my experience, was at least two sessions of oral sex and five separate PIV encounters. 

You're being trickle-truthed, and the sad fact is that no matter what you do to tell a lying spouse that the lies are worse than the actions, they almost never seem to grasp that and come clean on their own. 

Bring rock bottom up to her, she won't find it on her own. She's been in fantasy land for a LONG time.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

faithfulman42 said:


> one too many clicks revealed a heart crushing text stating to the fella friend "I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" Well this confrontation lead to her confessing that they had slept together(once).


First, cheater lie. They admit to only what you can prove. This text lets you know that they slept together, so she had to admit that to that to you, but she is trying to minimize it by saying only once. As others have told you, and you know in your heart, saying "I miss laying next to you and waking up in your arms" is not something you say to someone that you only slept with once. You do not have to get her to admit to what that statement means to know what it means. They did not miss a specific time when they slept together, they miss the experience of sleeping together. Do not accept her telling you it was only once, and get angry every time she tries to tell you that. Tell her that you are tired of her treating you like a fool with her ridiculous lies as if you were a idiot and did not know that that statement meant that they frequently slept together. Also, just because she said it was referring to 10 years ago, why would you believe that to be so? Perhaps it was just last week. Again, cheaters lie and minimize, and she is an admitted cheater.

Second, why are they texting such things today? I doubt that she had the same cell number 10 years ago, so they have stayed in contact since he move back with his wife. That is also not a text someone that has not communicated with another person would say in a first time text. The fact is they are in regular communications today. That text proves that she is at least having an emotional affair (EA) with him today, and maybe more. If they have not had sex recently, they plan to. Again, we are talking about today and not 10 years ago.

Cheaters try to set the rules up such that only what they admit to is the truth and that common sense cannot be applied by you in determining what happened. If you go along with it like you have in the past, she will continuance to treat you like a fool. Stop being played the fool by her. Stop letting her make up the rules. I guarantee if you play cards with me and let me make up the rules as we go along, you will lose every time. Common sense tells you that they slept together multiple times and they are still a couple. You do not need her to admit to this to know that this is true and to act accordingly.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is reconciliation given or is divorce an option ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And given her texts, this is an ongoing affair. Maybe it isn't as frequent as it was back then but they are still hooking up, even if it is once or twice a year.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Please follow the advice you've been given thus far
and come back to keep us posted.

A lot of people have been in your shoes and 
are here to help and guide you.


Another man sh!t on for no good reason...

Makes me *sick*.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would be putting a var in her car tonight.

Do the both still work for the same company?

Get out those phone records, I think you are going to see its an active affair. Otherwise the text would hav been "how are you? " not hey babe I miss having sex with you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I would be putting a var in her car tonight.
> 
> Do the both still work for the same company?
> 
> Get out those phone records, I think you are going to see its an active affair. Otherwise the text would hav been "how are you? " not hey babe I miss having sex with you.


:iagree:VAR in the car today and one in the house.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

If it ended as long ago as you say she wouldn't still have those feelings for him now. They're still having an affair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm betting the first chance she had, she was on the phone with OM warning him that you saw the text and that she told you it was once ten years ago, and that's the story to stick too,

She'll miss him but they need to cool it for just a short while , while she placates you.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Is reconciliation given or is divorce an option ?


I think first he should find out who or what he is considering reconciling with.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> I think first he should find out who or what he is considering reconciling with.


I would ask her to move out for a while so you can figure out whether or not you are going to divorce or not. Tell her you need time and if she keeps saying it was just one time, tell her she is going for a polygraph because you don't believe that.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She had sex with him once and *she misses waking besides him in his arm*.REALLY?
> 
> Did the A ever stopped? I doubt it. It may have been going on on and off for ten yrs. Else she wont be writing this now.
> 
> ...


When she says this it says to me they are still having sex but she can't spend the night with him anymore. Hence missing "waking up in his arms."


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

You have been given a lot of good advice here on how to ferret out the truth. I would add this. Take a long hard look at this woman and decide if she is the person you want to grow old with. The answer to that will determine how you will need to proceed.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Please follow the advice you've been given thus far
> and come back to keep us posted.
> 
> A lot of people have been in your shoes and
> ...




It makes me sick too. I would kill to have a good faithful man in my life.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry man.
Don't bury the head in the sand.
Take the red pill.
Find out how deep is the rabit hole.
Make informed decisions.
Take control of your life. 

Go low key for a while. Put in place every snooping tools, start chellenging your perception of the past AND the present (from phone bills to possibble secret emails...), VARs, keylogger... search the house, her belongings, journals, old work notebooks, whatever.

Keep reading here for a while, make a proper confrontation and lay the law.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Echoing above. If you are 42 you still have time to find a real wife if she is indeed in a 10 year affair. Wake up. Your dating value drops by the day. You NEED to find the smoking gun. We will be here when you find it.

VAR, keylog, records, recover texts... YOU ARE NOW JAMES FREAKING BOND! Go do it.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

When did she send that text,if she sent it recently then the only reason she isn't fvcking him is that he is with his wife.I don't think this text is 10 years old.


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## faithfulman42 (Mar 1, 2013)

what is a VAR? I can't recover texts.(NewM) This text occurred the other day and when confronted about it....it lead to her confessing to infidelity 10 yrs ago("one time" she says).I guess I just need to work on getting the truth out of her before I make a decision. I wanted to kick her ass right on out(maybe I should have) but I didn't because part of me wants to believe her.After being together 25 yrs total and a child(21y.o. now),I just didn't want to throw it all away.I just know now that I've been married longer than her now.I appreciate all the advice and Im sticking with you


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She wants you to believe her ok? Book a polygraph. They are a couple hundred bucks. Google polygraph and your city.

You maybe able to recover deleted texts, what phone does she have, many on here now how.

You can get the numbers from the phone company that she calls he texts with times.

All of these you can do in the next 1/2 hr


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

faithfulman42 said:


> what is a VAR? I can't recover texts.(NewM) This text occurred the other day and when confronted about it....it lead to her confessing to infidelity 10 yrs ago("one time" she says).I guess I just need to work on getting the truth out of her before I make a decision. I wanted to kick her ass right on out(maybe I should have) but I didn't because part of me wants to believe her.After being together 25 yrs total and a child(21y.o. now),I just didn't want to throw it all away.I just know now that I've been married longer than her now.I appreciate all the advice and Im sticking with you


Just say you have changed your mind and kick her out and have her take a polygraph and see her reaction.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PM Devistated Dad he knows this stuff on tech.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

faithfulman42 said:


> Then one day it just ended. What appeared to be a friendship on the outside looking in had just ended. He was going back to his hometown to make amends with his wife and mine apologized for not listening to me and promised to "be a better wife." Hadn't heard anything what-so-ever until........ Fast forward 10 years later(Feb 26,2013).


What did your wife say about this contact? Did it just start up again after 10 years out of the blue?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What kind of phone?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Var is voice activated recorder. Available at bestbuy walmart etc. Try not to buy the cheapest. Velcro one under herfront seat. One in the house where shd is likely to phone. 
Does she usually leave her phone where you can get to it? Iphones forexample, can have the deleted texts recovered after the phone has been synced to the home computer.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

faithfulman42 said:


> what is a VAR? I can't recover texts.(NewM) This text occurred the other day and when confronted about it....it lead to her confessing to infidelity 10 yrs ago("one time" she says).I guess I just need to work on getting the truth out of her before I make a decision. I wanted to kick her ass right on out(maybe I should have) but I didn't because part of me wants to believe her.After being together 25 yrs total and a child(21y.o. now),I just didn't want to throw it all away.I just know now that I've been married longer than her now.I appreciate all the advice and Im sticking with you


18 years for me.

I did EXACTLY, minus the pleading, what you did. Discussed argued and tried to *get the truth by myself.* It doesn't work at all. My crap was an emotional affair.

Second time I had a game plan thanks in part to TAM:
1) cell records 
2) internet Divorce papers
3) Texted the OM pretending to be my wife. 
4) Made her call a friend to stay with.
5) No leeway at all!
6) Don't tell her squat, until DDay 2.

I still think I was trickle truthed, but there was none of that pausing where you KNOW they are coming up with a lie. There was very little minimizing except the "we were just friends" and "I did nothing wrong." TAM recommended a book that fixed that disconnect. Oh and you don't need messages. Call records separate text from voice. When you point out "here are the calls/texts to me vs OM" that is a cold slap in the face. My wife had no clue I had her phone records.

Be firm, authoritative and truthful no matter what you decide to do. You have to set boundaries and lines SHE CANNOT CROSS or the marriage is over!


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

".After being together 25 yrs total and a child(21y.o. now),I just didn't want to throw it all away."

I don't know why not, she did!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Voice Activated Recorder = VAR



> I wanted to kick her ass right on out(maybe I should have) but I didn't because part of me wants to believe her.After being together 25 yrs total and a child(21y.o. now),*I just didn't want to throw it all away*.


She beat you to it.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

faithfulman42 said:


> what is a VAR? I can't recover texts.(NewM) This text occurred the other day and when confronted about it....it lead to her confessing to infidelity 10 yrs ago("one time" she says).I guess I just need to work on getting the truth out of her before I make a decision. I wanted to kick her ass right on out(maybe I should have) but I didn't because part of me wants to believe her.After being together 25 yrs total and a child(21y.o. now),*I just didn't want to throw it all away.I just know now that I've been married longer than her now.I appreciate all the advice and Im sticking with you*


I understand that..But what is her take on that statement?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Check her phone bill and see how often they've texting/calling each other.

If it was a one text then her claim of one time is believable, but if not you can assume you've been living a lie for the past 10 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

keko said:


> Check her *phone bill* and see how often they've texting/calling each other.
> 
> If it was a one text then her claim of one time is believable, but if not you can assume you've been living a lie for the past 10 years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.


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## faithfulman42 (Mar 1, 2013)

Jonesey....her take is to forget the past and move on. She still wants to be an "us." She says she was in a "bad spot" with the gastric bypass(I had) and thinking I cheated first.She even says I never gave her the idea that I was cheating,that she let her thoughts get the "best of her."


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## faithfulman42 (Mar 1, 2013)

Acabado.....can I do that,I'm on the account but it isn't "in" my name. Its a SPRINT account


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Does she receive paper bills at home or is it online?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

faithfulman check this thread and contact devestated dad by PM if you need. He's a stand-up guy. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67661-become-spy-catching-them-technology.html


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP, she gave you some thing to chew on when you caught her red handed. Just enough so that she can sweep it under the rug telling you it was a long time back. 

First thing, you should probably check the phone records to see how often they are texting and talking. If it was something that happened 10 years aga, she wouldn't have sent him the message now. And you can even recover deleted texts from some of the phones. 

If you have a home computer, buy a keylogger and install it. And don't let her find out that you are posting here.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

faithfulman42 said:


> Acabado.....can I do that,I'm on the account but it isn't "in" my name. Its a SPRINT account


See if you can get them(Try a forgot password option but you need to have her phone with you)

https://mysprint.sprint.com/mysprint/pages/sl/forgotpassword/external_forgot_password.jsp


Ask her for the account details if you cannot reset it. She cannot delete the records but she will become more careful in case she plans to hide it


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

faithfulman42 said:


> Jonesey....*her take is to forget the past and move on. *. Yes she she has all this time ,or recentley started up...rugswiping DONT do that. *She still wants to be an "us." She says she was in a "bad spot" with the gastric bypass(I had) and thinking I cheated first.She even says I never gave her the idea that I was cheating,that she let her thoughts get the "best of her.[/PHP]"*





Ok the first time.. But the exquse this time? Please tell me she did not mean all this time


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She wants to rug sweep . Of course she wants to rugs weep. She's been stooping this guy for ten years quite happily and now you are asking questions.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

I couldn't live with the injustice of her doing that, hiding it and then paying no consequences. I'd at least pretend to divorce by actually kicking her out and telling her i'm done. Even if I know in my head its not what I want. At least that way you stood up for yourself and you can watch her grovel back to you.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> I couldn't live with the injustice of her doing that, hiding it and then paying no consequences. I'd at least pretend to divorce by actually kicking her out and telling her i'm done. Even if I know in my head its not what I want. At least that way you stood up for yourself and you can watch her grovel back to you.


That's unhealthy ^^^^. Its best to just leave her, wanting to see her grovel to get pleasure out of that and still wishing to be with her is a huge problem. 

Best to just leave


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Why did she say she is still in contact with him now?

Are you OK with her lies? If not, tell her so.

Tell your wife you've done things her way long enough, now it's your way or the highway. Tell her you can't control her, but you can control yourself and what you are willing to accept and not accept in your marriage.

Tell her all contact with other man has to cease immediately. If he attempts to contact her, she does not respond and tells you about it immediately.

On top of that, she has to write a no contact letter to the other man, telling him not to contact her again or she will file harassment charges against him. She gives the letter to you and you mail it certified to him. Keep a copy for yourself.

From now on, she never deletes any messages. If she wants something deleted, she can ask you to delete it.

Tell your wife she has to give you the passwords and access to the phone bills so you can see how often she was in contact with other man. Same with facebook and email. A second option: If you feel it is better for you to have any confidence she's not cheating on you, tell her she just lost her phone rights. She has to give it up. Same for Facebook and email. She can tell everyone she is sharing your email.

She has to tell you the truth. Tell her you don't believe her story and you need a story that makes sense. Ask her to write you a timeline of how the affair started, how often they met, who else knew about it, how often they had contact over the years, and you may need her to take a polygraph if her story doesn't add up.

If your wife doesn't want to do this stuff that can help you recover from this, then file for divorce. At least you will know how she really feels about you and you will be able to move on with your life instead of wasting months or years as she continues to lie to you.

Get a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of her car and/or in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you're not around. See if she still is in contact.

You contact other man's wife and tell her what you know - they had an affair 10 years ago, she said it happened once but you think it happened many times, and they still are in contact. See if she knows something about it. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

faithfulman42 said:


> Jonesey....her take is to forget the past and move on. She still wants to be an "us." She says she was in a "bad spot" with the gastric bypass(I had) and thinking I cheated first.She even says I never gave her the idea that I was cheating,that she let her thoughts get the "best of her."


Those are all excuses.

One who confesses their ill doings must accuse him/herself entirely. She is placing justification for her actions on an evil idea that she cooked up herself.

If that is the case then every spouse contemplating an affair should give themselves the idea, or impress in their mind that their "loved" one (or should I say 'loving one') is cheating. Feasting the idea, letting it grow, manifest into a big enough reason, motive to justify their wrong doing and discredit them, or relieve partial blame...







You've been playing poker against the house with a rigged deck for 10 years. If only you knew that the deck was rigged, would you have continued playing? Would you have even begun to play?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

This was posted on another thread by carmen_ohio, it's good advice, maybe you can benefit from some of it:


_Dear Andy01,

While I greatly respect the other posters on this thread, I believe many of them, like you, are missing the big picture here -- namely, what should you do to regain your happiness.

From reading your notes, it is clear that you were absent from class the day they handed out the "how to be happy" instructions. So let me fill you in on The 10 Rules for Happiness:

Rule No. 1: You only get one life; never forget that. Corollary: You don't know how long you will live, you could live another 50 years or you might die tomorrow; never forget that either.

Rule No. 2: Deal with things as they really are, not as you would like them to be. Face up to your problems rather than pretending they don't exist or hoping they will simply go away.

Rule No. 3: You are solely responsible for your own happiness: don't expect or look to others to make you happy.

Rule No. 4: Your decisions and actions will have the greatest impact on your happiness. If you do the right things, your life will be better and vice versa. Corollary: Be honest with yourself about your failings and genuinely seek to improve yourself.

Rule No. 5: There is no guarantee that you will always be happy: some people win life's lottery, most don't and some people get the shaft. Corollary 1: Don't complain about the cards you are dealt or wallow in self-pity. Instead, focus on what you can control and learn not to worry about the rest. Corollary 2: Understand that it sometimes takes time and effort to regain your happiness.

Rule No. 6: Understand what makes you happy and what doesn't. Corollary 1: Since you will change over time, reconsider from time to time what will make you happy now and adjust your decisions and actions accordingly. Corollary 2: When something happens that makes you very unhappy, consider the totality of the situation: sometimes cutting down a few trees is the answer, other times you need to look for a new forest in which to live.

Rule No. 7: Do what makes you happy. Don't do what others (parents, friends, bosses, spouses, even children) want you to do unless it is what makes you happy. This might sound selfish but it's not. Some people are happiest when they are serving others (e.g., firemen, Mother Teresa). 

Rule No. 8: If you are unhappy about something, eliminate it from your life or, if that is not possible, minimize the degree of unhappiness it can cause you. If it's a situation (like a bad job), change it. If it's a thing (like a poorly operating car), get rid of it. If it's a person (like a wayward spouse), stop interacting or least minimize contact with the person. Corollary: When something or someone starts to cause you unhappiness, take action immediately; don't wait around hoping things will get better.

Rule No. 9: You don't apologize to anyone for doing what makes you happy. Corollary: You have no obligation to explain yourself or justify your decisions or actions. If you choose to do so, it should only be because it is to your advantage to do so.

Rule No. 10: Be the best person you can be, as you measure things. For most men, this means being fit and attractive to members of the opposite sex, being financially successfully and being emotionally strong and independent. But if you measure life success differently (e.g., displaying Christian virtues, gaining notoriety, acquiring power), then make these the main focus of you efforts.

If we apply these rules to your situation, it become readily apparent that you are breaking all the rules. For example:

☻ You are focused in the moment rather than thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life (violation of Rule No. 1). 

☻ You are more concerned about what your W may or may not have done rather than dealing with what you know she has done (violation of Rule No. 2).

☻ You seek affirmation from your W of your self-worth and the guidance of strangers as to what you should do, rather than taking responsibility for yourself (violation of Rule Nos. 3, 4 and 9).

☻ You are reluctant to take steps to improve your situation and instead are wallowing in self-pity and shame (violation of Rule Nos. 5, 7, 8 and 10).

☻ You seem not to have thought deeply about what you really want out of life (violation of Rule No. 6). 

☻ You reject the notion that your life may have to radically change in order for you to (eventually) be happy (another violation of Rule No. 6).

Based on the facts as you have recited them, I believe you have ample reason to be unhappy in your current circumstances and sufficient justification for taking action. So let me offer you an alternative approach to your problem that is consistent with the Rules of Happiness:

1. Sit your W down and tell her that you are so unhappy with your marriage that you are prepared to end it. Explain that, given what you know (OM's note, her hiding her phone messages, etc.), you can only conclude that either she is having an affair or that she doesn't care about you (as these are the only two reasons why she would not have taken steps to address your concerns when you first raised them). Say that, in either case, you would rather end your marriage than continue it since you deserve and are confident that you can have better than what you have right now.

2. Tell her that, out of love for her and your children, you are willing to give her one last chance to save her marriage and prove to you that she is a worthy wife. This requires her telling you everything that has happened between her and her boss, showing you all of her e-mails and text messages, giving you access to all of her communications in the future, immediately terminating all contact with her boss, demonstrating by word and deed on a daily basis that she loves and respects you and doing whatever else you require for her to prove her worth.

3. Tell her that it is her choice whether to do these things or not but, if she chooses not to, you plan to hire an attorney and file for divorce.

4. Stay calm and collected and don't argue with her. If she questions or challenges anything you say, calmly reply that she now knows what you expect of her and it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. Repeat your message as many times as necessary until she realizes that you mean what you say.

5. Give her a very short period of time to consider this. For example, tell her that you plan to speak to an attorney the next day so, if she wants to save her marriage, she has but a few hours to accept your offer.

6. If she refuses, immediately speak to an attorney and commence divorce proceedings.

7. If she agrees, continue to monitor her closely to make sure she does not go underground. Don't tolerate her complaining or pouting for more than a couple of days. If you get any indication that she is not serious about following through with her promise, start divorce proceedings.

8. For the foreseeable future, be cordial toward your W but nothing more. Don't initiate conversations, compliment her, argue with her or do anything else that would lead her to believe that she is anything special to you. Act at all times like a man who knows what he wants and knows that he can get what he wants, if not from her, then somewhere else.

9. Begin to take steps to improve yourself (exercise, work, activities). Make this -- along with your kids -- the focus of your life for now.

10. Start to educate yourself on what it takes to be a man in the 21st century. A good place to start is to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.

If you take these steps, I can't guarantee that you will end up in a happy marriage with your current W but I can promise that, eventually, you will give yourself the greatest chance of finding true happiness. The key point is that you can't control your W but you can control you. Hence, you should be doing the things that will eventually make you happy, whether your W wants to be with you or not.

I'm not saying any of this will be easy; it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But unless you do it, your life will likely only get worse.

Wishing the best for you.​_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its going to take faithfulman a while to get his mind around this. Things are never going to be the same.


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## faithfulman42 (Mar 1, 2013)

Im gonna try to get my head around this,you are right Chapparal. I guess the question(s) at this point is.....was it a one time thing or an affair? And am I gonna believe her whatever the answer may be?The situation screams affair,I get that.....I see what you guys are saying.Its never going to be the same...I'm pretty much damaged goods.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

faithfulman42 said:


> Acabado.....can I do that,I'm on the account but it isn't "in" my name. Its a SPRINT account


My wife's phone is under HER MOM'S family plan; no I didn't care. It is my marriage and I crossed a few lines to save it. If she, or her mom, had me prosecuted, I'd know EXACTLY how she felt about us!


faithfulman42 said:


> Im gonna try to get my head around this,you are right Chapparal. I guess the question(s) at this point is.....was it a one time thing or an affair? And am I gonna believe her whatever the answer may be?The situation screams affair,I get that.....I see what you guys are saying.Its never going to be the same...I'm pretty much damaged goods.


 She carried this lie or LIES for a decade, while hiding from you. No, she is damaged, one time or more, you are just hurt.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

faithfulman42 said:


> Im gonna try to get my head around this,you are right Chapparal. I guess the question(s) at this point is.....was it a one time thing or an affair? And am I gonna believe her whatever the answer may be?The situation screams affair,I get that.....I see what you guys are saying.Its never going to be the same..*.I'm pretty much damaged goods*.


No, you're not damaged goods, but she sure is.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> That's unhealthy ^^^^. Its best to just leave her, wanting to see her grovel to get pleasure out of that and still wishing to be with her is a huge problem.
> 
> Best to just leave


Ok fair enough. But if you really want to reconcile, you cant just come right out and say okay let's put this behind us. If this happened 2 weeks ago, my advice would be EXACTLY what everyone would suggest EVEN if he wanted to... no wait.. ESPECIALLY if he wanted to reconcile.. why? because he gains his self-respect, HER respect and provides consequences for the betrayal.

Just because 10 years past doesn't make this any easier on OP. He still has the same pain and need for justice and true remorse. She might not show that true remorse unless she sees the true pain she caused him.

How does she see the severity of pain?? Well by him doing DRASTIC things and blowing up their lives because he is so distraught. Its a way of showing that this is not a minor thing and has affected you deeply. This kind of action might just put her in the right mindset to show the remorse required.

If he doesnt, she might just say. oh hes not THAT hurt.. hes not kicking me out or anything.. ill just say sorry a bunch of times, tell him how much i love him and in a few months we'll be back to "us"

uhh no. as all other BS's here can attest it takes years to recover from this sh-t and it takes a super remorseful spouse.

I say get her in the remorseful mindset (read grovelling as in previous post of mine) by giving her CONSEQUENCES. Give her the impression that her future is not so certain with you and she has to WORK on it...

Better explanation?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

:


Machiavelli said:


> No, you're not damaged goods, but she sure is.


Please it's a shock we get it but stop the pity pot now and tell her to leave at least for a few days so you can collect your thoughts on what guys like shaggy, will kane and the dark prince himself machiavelli and others have told you. You decide not her what happens next. Sorry reference to your writing


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would your wife put up with such lies, disrespect and humiliation as you have been subject to? She clearly has no intention of telling you the truth and tries to spin it that is your fault. She shows no remorse and responsibility for the affair. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I also have a hunch that she had this prolong affair (if you believe only once then I have a bridge to sell you) because if she got caught she knew that there would be no consequences to her actions and you would be accepting of it anyway. Why would she respect you if you do not respect yourself?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

wake up time for OP to realise what he thought what he had was built on lies.
She is a liar and cheat,dont expect complete honesty and truth from her. She was having an ongoing A fo more than ten yrs on your back. Its time now to take your head out and see who she really is?


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## faithfulman42 (Mar 1, 2013)

what is the is the 1 or 2 most important questions to ask her?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

faithfulman42 said:


> what is the is the 1 or 2 most important questions to ask her?


1) Are you going to tell me everything? 
2) Where can I forward your mail?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> 1) Are you going to tell me everything?
> 2) Where can I forward your mail?


This.

She needs to go, even for just a while because what she did is completely unacceptable, and if you go soft on this its gonna happen again. 

Also she is still lying.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

faithfulman42 said:


> what is the is the 1 or 2 most important questions to ask her?


That is of no importance, nothing she says can be trusted, she will lie to save as much as possible for her own good, not for yours. The script she follows is well known on these forums.

Your question here must be: "What shall I do?"


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> That is of no importance, nothing she says can be trusted, she will lie to save as much as possible for her own good, not for yours. The script she follows is well known on these forums.
> 
> Your question here must be: "What shall I do?"


Seek your own answers because she is going to lie and minimize.

When YOU find some answers...then you know how you want to react.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

faithfulman42 said:


> Im gonna try to get my head around this,you are right Chapparal. I guess the question(s) at this point is.....was it a one time thing or an affair? And am I gonna believe her whatever the answer may be?The situation screams affair,I get that.....I see what you guys are saying.Its never going to be the same...I'm pretty much damaged goods.


FM42- my XW cheated on me. I do not see myself as damaged goods. I see her as damaged goods. Her cheating is not your fault. I'm sure your getting that message but it doesn't hurt to hear it again.

Schedule the poly- you may be shocked at the confession you get in the parking lot.

I wish you the best, but have a feeling it was not once as the text you saw doesn't fit a ONS... at least not in my mind.

Good luck
WD


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

How would she treat you if you had done this? She would just say "GET OUT!"

Now, do you have a clue as what to say?


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

faithfulman42 said:


> what is a VAR? I can't recover texts.(NewM) This text occurred the other day and when confronted about it....it lead to her confessing to infidelity 10 yrs ago("one time" she says).I guess I just need to work on getting the truth out of her before I make a decision. I wanted to kick her ass right on out(maybe I should have) but I didn't because part of me wants to believe her.After being together 25 yrs total and a child(21y.o. now),I just didn't want to throw it all away.I just know now that I've been married longer than her now.I appreciate all the advice and Im sticking with you


If this text occurred the other day,then its not over and she still misses being in bed with him.

Why would she text him that if it was one time thing 10 years ago,this is still going on.Has she been traveling alone?Does she still have "work late" or "breakfast" activities?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to understand that when cheaters are challenged they always start the bidding at 1 (times they cheated). They know that if you find more evidence that they can raise the bid. Naturally, no matter what the number is, they will shift the blame to you. She has to blame you, otherwise she would have to accept responsibility herself and she certainly wouldn't do that ever.

Don't bother to confront her again until you have more evidence, but you know this has been off and on for a long time.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

faithfulman42 said:


> Jonesey....her take is to forget the past and move on. She still wants to be an "us." She says she was in a "bad spot" with the gastric bypass(I had) and thinking I cheated first.She even says I never gave her the idea that I was cheating,that she let her thoughts get the "best of her."


This is what they call "projection" my friend.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Tell the OMs wife!


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