# Need some insight please



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

My wife and I have a very good marriage. She is almost always level headed even when she gets emotional. We are always able to talk out our problems effectively. In fact, things have been gong great lately. Lots of remodeling on the house. She wanted some things that didn't fit in the budget but I made it work. I know there is some added pressure at her job but she seemed to have weathered the storm and had it under control. So everything was pretty awesome...until last night.

I was downstairs watching TV. I had asked if she'd like to watch with me but she said she was going on her computer for a while. We were both in good moods I thought. She was all smiles. She asked about opening a bottle of wine so I did. We each took a glass. I again asked her if she was coming to the family room to watch TV. She said maybe later. A couple of hours later I went upstairs to get ready for bed. She came storming out of her computer room and starting talking very loud. She complained that I never take her to exciting places like concerts anymore. I reminded her that we occasionally look for things to do but we never find anything that she wants to do. We do go out to eat at least once a week, occasionally to the movies, and of course shopping. She complained that three weeks ago she didn't go out at all that weekend. All I did was barbeque. I said well we can't go out all the time. Sometimes we do stay home. I reminded her that we went out every other weekend but that one. She said I'm trying to change her. I'm trying to take away her wild spirit. I don't know where that came from because she's never been wild. We used to go out clubbing over in a while but there hasn't been any bands lately that she's wanted to see. So after about an hour of her blaming me for every issue in her life I finally said that I was done. If all she wanted to do was yell then the conversation is over. I told her when she can talk without insulting and raising her voice then get back to me. Then I went to bed.

This morning she woke up like nothing had ever happened. She was her usual self and seemed genuinely confused as to my "mood." So I'm sitting here and now I'm the one confused. What in the heck happened? If this was a fitness test it was certainly an unusual one and completely out of the blue.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

something she saw on the internet spurred something

perhaps a friend on facebook was showing off her pics of her fabulous vacations and others posted food pics from fancy restaurants, etc? So the old grass is greener jealousy kicked in and with a little booze in her she went off on you


just a guess


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Possibly she was triggered on Facebook seeing her friends going to concerts, etc. having fun. I know I have "vented" to my husband at times because of FB.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

LOL AR...we posted at the same time.

She probably won't admit to it if she was jealous.

I have a friend who is constantly posting about all the fun things she does & all the parties/barbecues she hosts....and never invites me even though I live 1 mile away!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Something similar happened to me. A few years ago out of the blue, Mrs. Conan started saying he I was controlling her and stifling her. I was a little flabbergasted and amused. Turned out she had been in conversations with a few women who were either divorced it in unhappy marriages. Their attitudes were apparently contagious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Dames...amirite?!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

So at this point should I just drop it and pretend it never happened?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bfree said:


> So at this point should I just drop it and pretend it never happened?



if you do then she'll go off on how you never listen to her

I would say this later-

"While I don't agree that we never go anywhere I do think making our lives a little more adventurous is in order, so what do you think about going to x (insert place to go visit or eat or do) this weekend?"


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Need some insight please*



Almostrecovered said:


> if you do then she'll go off on how you never listen to her
> 
> I would say this later-
> 
> "While I don't agree that we never go anywhere I do think making our lives a little more adventurous is in order, so what do you think about going to x (insert place to go visit or eat or do) this weekend?"


But if this is a fitness test haven't I just failed? See we do go out...a lot. Do we go clubbing? Not anymore. We never find any bands she wants to see and frankly we're older now and she's always tired. We don't go to concerts because she's very particular. Honestly it's a little hard to do things with her because she's very "discriminating."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

They've actually done studies confirming that being on Facebook a lot makes people more unhappy. It's something about seeing all the shiny-happy stuff people post and thinking that your own life doesn't compare favorably. Folks forget that even the lives of the people posting all that great stuff don't really compare favorably to what is posted. No one posts mundane or unhappy things.

I wouldn't ignore what happened, but don't make a huge issue of it either. Unless, of course, this becomes a recurring problem.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Can you try to talk to her about last night, what was that about? in a casual, non-attacking mode. ? or maybe ask what she would like to do over the weekends differently ?'

"Honey, I was thinking what you've said another night, maybe you right. Let's plan our next weekend together" - that could start a conversation


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I strongly dislike Facebook.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bfree said:


> But if this is a fitness test haven't I just failed? See we do go out...a lot. Do we go clubbing? Not anymore. We never find any bands she wants to see and frankly we're older now and she's always tired. We don't go to concerts because she's very particular. Honestly it's a little hard to do things with her because she's very "discriminating."


look if you're a believer into such nonsense as "fitness tests" then disregard what I'm saying
My wife is like yours in that she communicates her problems very openly but has that occasional freak out as you described. 
Regardless of how nutty she did it, she still expressed a desire and it's not a terribly unreasonable request, so "giving in" is not out of order to make her feel loved as long as you convey that how her behavior the night prior isn't acceptable as well.

to add my wife is also horrible at choosing things to do (or eat etc), so often I take the lead in that way. Instead of asking in an open ended way like "where would you like to go tonight?", I'll ask in a more concise way that limits her choices but still is something I know she enjoys (since I know her well) - "I was thinking we could go to Chez YumYumz tonight, should I wear the red or blue tie?"


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

How old is she ....mid life crisis coming on?.. I've seen it.. women at that age, they want to go back...live it up, do things they haven't done in years...push the bar....

A relative wanted to go dancing, tried to bring her husband ...his attitude was ..."we did all that when we were younger, I got it out of my system" and he stayed home with the kids...some distance grew between them / on different pages...she met a drummer one night ...that escalated.... they ended up divorced...(worse case scenario).. the drummer didn't last ... 

But do push the bar a little.. she is wanting MORE of the "good times"...wants to have some FUN...a little excitement.... I felt like this too in mid life , wanted to do more Vacations (Romance), get away from the kids, Concerts ... I dragged him to 3 that 1st year , we were down in the mosh pit surfing people over our heads.... so NOT our scene.. but we had FUN !

It's very strange she doesn't remember though...is she playing "stupid" here.. passively doesn't want to admit to her behavior perhaps ?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's very strange she doesn't remember though...is she playing "stupid" here.. passively doesn't want to admit to her behavior perhaps ?


I don't think he said she doesn't remember it , it's that she isn't bringing up the subject the next morning


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I was also going to say something triggered her.

This happened to me last week. Something my husband said last week triggered me and took me back to the beginning of our marriage when I was pretty lonely. Instead of ranting and raving though, I cut him off and said a few snide remarks and withdrew. We went to bed not speaking. 

He had to work the next day so he texted me the next day and called me on my attitude. (Texting or email works best for us because I do better with writing than being verbal. It's just the way my mind works). He asked me what was going on and we had a good discussion. I told him some stuff that I was resentful about and we agreed to move on (this is a very short version). 

So I guess my advice is to do what my husband did, ask her about it and find out what happened that night. What triggered her?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Need some insight please*



Almostrecovered said:


> look if you're a believer into such nonsense as "fitness tests" then disregard what I'm saying
> My wife is like yours in that she communicates her problems very openly but has that occasional freak out as you described.
> Regardless of how nutty she did it, she still expressed a desire and it's not a terribly unreasonable request, so "giving in" is not out of order to make her feel loved as long as you convey that how her behavior the night prior isn't acceptable as well.
> 
> to add my wife is also horrible at choosing things to do (or eat etc), so often I take the lead in that way. Instead of asking in an open ended way like "where would you like to go tonight?", I'll ask in a more concise way that limits her choices but still is something I know she enjoys (since I know her well) - "I was thinking we could go to Chez YumYumz tonight, should I wear the red or blue tie?"


That's the problem. I do believe in fitness tests because I've witnessed them. But my wife almost never fits them and the few times she has I just look at her and say "really?" She'll usually smirk and say "damned, don't know where that came from." This was so uncharacteristic for her. When something is bothering her I always know. I usually have to drag it out of her but then we talk about it calmly. She was fine. Happy. Good mood. Then bam!

I also take the lead most of the time but there was no indication that she was bothered by not going to a concert, club or whatever. We go out all the time and she seems to enjoy it a lot. She's never asked to go clubbing. I'm usually the one that brings it up when I'm trying to plan out something to do. She can never find anyone she wants to go see do we end up doing something else.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Need some insight please*



samyeagar said:


> I strongly dislike Facebook.


Me too


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

If it was a fitness test, I'd say you passed by holding your boundaries. She was fine the next day.

How much wine did she have? My husband has called me on the carpet before, usually after a night of a few glasses of wine. An example, using your example, might be:

"So, Rose. You were pretty feisty last night. You told me that we don't do anything fun anymore and I'm trying to change you. Now that there's no wine involved, I'm hoping you can give me some details on what you meant by that."

This lets me know that he heard me, and it also doesn't let me off the hook. He doesn't ask in a mean or accusatory he is just looking for information. Sometimes I was just a being a tipsy b!tch, other times I actually had a real complaint. Either way, we were going to discuss it. 

BTW this works after an emotional/hormonal night as well. It's not always a wine thing. He can see that I am not my usual self and just lets it play out. We discuss it when I am back to my normal self.

I can't get mad at him- it was my own stupid behavior. I can usually have normal discussions. But every now and then this happens.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Need some insight please*



RoseAglow said:


> If it was a fitness test, I'd say you passed by holding your boundaries. She was fine the next day.
> 
> How much wine did she have? My husband has called me on the carpet before, usually after a night of a few glasses of wine. An example, using your example, might be:
> 
> ...


I like this Rose. I think this is how I'll approach it and depending on how the talk goes I'll follow it up with AR's suggestion and just go out, buy some concert tickets and plan an exciting night.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

So I thought I'd post an update on how our little talk went. Turns out she realized the next day how "unusual" her attitude was the night before. She said she knew we would need to talk but didn't want to have that conversation before work. She also very much underestimated how bothered I would be/was by her yelling the night before. She said that's why she seemed confused when I was less than cordial that morning.

She said that lately she's been feeling like she's in a rut. That turned into "we" were in a rut even though I was unaware that "we" were. That night she was looking at Facebook (you were right Emerald) and saw some pictures one of her friends posted about going to a football game. I said "but you don't like football." She said that wasn't the point. It just triggered her and she blurted out what she'd been feeling. I asked her if she wanted to go to a football game. She laughed and said no but she would like to do something different. I asked her why she hadn't said anything before and she said that she knew we were busy with the remodel and other things and didn't want to be needy. So we agreed to try to think about something we could do that would be different and more edgy than what we've done recently.

I also asked her about the crushing her spirit comment. She just said she was trying to explain her feelings and it just came out. She was trying to communicate that she wanted to do something "spicier" and since I am the one that usually makes the plans she was at that moment blaming me for our less than exciting dates. She realized the next day that she could have done a better job communicating but she had held it in for so long that she knew if she didn't just blurt it out she would continue to suppress her feelings and get resentful.

So AR you were right in that it wasn't a fitness test but I guess I did handle it about as well as could be expected. I also suggested that maybe instead of going on Facebook so much she should take me up on my nightly offer of spending more time together doing things in the house. That's another thing we agreed had become a problem. She started seeing our dates as the only time she would bother to spend time together. I told her that being with her was special but it doesn't need to be a special occasion for me to want to be with her. I always want to be with her. She seemed to like that.

So that's it. I'm going to try to come up with a few options on us going out and doing something more exciting together. I've already mentioned a few concerts but she isn't interested. One idea she is mulling is going to Salem, MA for Halloween. It would be a bit of a ride for us but it's definitely doable. We'll see. Thank you for all your insight and suggestions. I was pretty confused and upset when I first posted but talking it out here I was able to calm down and figure out how to handle it effectively.


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