# Husband does everything behind my back



## catnip

My husband has no respect for me. He never listens to anything I have to say. He does what he wants and never takes my feelings into consideration. He has bought about 6 cars behind my back among countless other things. He has done nothing but put us into more financial debt (we are in the process of filing for bankruptcy). 
Every time that he does something without my knowledge, it hurts like he just stabbed me in the back. The feeling of betrayal is enormous. There's no trust in our relationship. He blames me for his spending habits (a new car just about every year we've been married, that's 8 years). He buys tickets for trips even after I've said no. He'll buy it and then let me know. I'm so tired of it all. There have been on numerous occasions where I've cried and begged him not to buy another car and it has no effect on him. The next day, the car is in the driveway. I feel that he no longer loves me. When you love someone, you don't want to do things that you know will cause them pain. And he doesn't care.I have stayed with him through it all. But I don't know how much longer I can do this. The stress is getting to my health. I can no longer sleep and worst of all I've been getting these really painful headaches, that usually escalate into migraines. 
I've made an appt. to go to marriage couseling, but last night he told me, he's going to be in Florida and will not be able to make it. Once again this trip to Florida was done behind my back (his father and sister live there). So basically he doesn't want to go to couseling and would rather see our marriage fall apart. I cried myself to sleep and woke up with a huge migraine. Despite how bad he is, I really love him. He was my first real relationship. My first love.Its so hard to let him go even though I know he no longer cares for me. It's as if I'd rather stay with him and have him hurt me over and over again, than live a life without him.


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## Cherry

Does he give you a reason he blames you for his spending habits? Have you ask him how it's your fault he spends like he does?


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## Atholk

catnip said:


> It's as if I'd rather stay with him and have him hurt me over and over again, than live a life without him.


About the most frightening thing anyone has written on this board. 

Forget him, get help for you.


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## turnera

Why are you married to such a jerk? Are you just free sex for him?

Time to learn to respect yourself more. Skip the marriage counselor and go to a psychologist to find out why you have such low self-respect and self-esteem.


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## JustMe23

Well, you love him for a reason...I'm sure your standards are high and that your love is justified in some way. However, he has a problem. People who cannot care for themselves cannot fully care for another person, much less be a successful spouse. I agree, get help for yourself and hopefully a good counselor can help you decide if you can stay or if you must leave. Maybe he will even join you. But do go for yourself, at least. Best wishes.


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## blacksage

Atholk said:


> About the most frightening thing anyone has written on this board.
> 
> Forget him, get help for you.


That was a scary statement. I also think it would be best to work on yourself first.


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## catnip

Thank you all for your advice. Despite how he is, he really has a lot of good qualities that I love. I want to do everything I can to save our marriage before I consider divorce. We have a 4 year old daughter who absolutely adores her father. So I have to consider what divorce is going to do to her. We are in the process of getting counseling.


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## turnera

Do you have access to the bank account? Every time he spends money for something, go to the bank and take out an equal amount of money, and put it in a savings account. Just keep saving it up; you may want it some day to start a new life. If you stay with him, you've kept him from spending that much money, and you can pay for college for your daughter.


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## kissycupcake

I know exactly how you feel, my husband treats me the same way. He has no respect for me doesn't listen to anything I say and he also has to file for bankruptcy because of all te mistakes he has made due to spending, we have no money we were supposed to be saving money for a house but he spends his money as fast as he makes it. How is your counseling going? Have you ever thought about a trial seperation? My husband is also my first real love and although I know I don't deserve to be treated this way, I just wish he would come back to me, because it hurts so much. I just seperated from him, it took alot of guts but I knew it had to be done. But you have to think wouldn't you be happier alone, because at least you'd have your self respect, instead of being miserable with him, because you deserve to be treated with respect and equality. My husband used to blame me for everything to, its their hold on you. Best of luck to you and remember do whats best for you.


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## nriver13

I am one of those husbands, that buys things behind my wifes back. I love my fishing, and she doesnt let me go, as i work long hours in IT Management, and the weekends i am not allowed as she needs her space, which is fair enough. i bought a couple of rods about $100, without telling her, and she went crazy as i did it behind her back an called me a liar, abuses me in front of the kids, she smashed all my fishing gear, took by bank accout access away, and mistrusts me in everything, even accusing me of affairs. I have depression and on medication. she denies me of my meducation at times as i am classed as a liar, mistrusting, selfish c.... i dont know what to do. she has been angry and abusive for 3 to 4 years, i have had 2 breakdowns, attempted suicide, and i get so angry that all she says is No to my requests for gadets tools, fishing gear, i dont want to spend heaps only about $1,000. but no, so i went and replaced my gear that she smashed, and now she has smashed them and my boat, and this time i told her i spent instead of her finding out. i need help!!! the abisiveness and verbalising is so intimidating that i get out of control


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## RunningOnEmpty

nriver13, it is better if you create a separate thread for your post.

You are being abused by your wife. None of the things you describe are acceptable.

Go and talk to an individual counselor right away. If you love your wife, and you want to save your marriage, then ask her to go into marriage counseling.

You both need to change. She has to stop being abusive and controlling. And you need to stop being a nice guy. You need to build and enforce your personal boundaries (it seems you have none, or your wife has eroded them).

Now, I personally think that abusers don't change unless they want to. So, based on what you've described, you should start getting ready to leave. Go to the bank, and regain access to your account. Withdraw half of your funds and put them in a new account owned by you. Then go and file for divorce.

If you have kids, don't leave the house until the custody schedule gets approved by a judge.


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## nriver13

Thank you JP, you read me very well. We both have been to councelors, phycologist, and my phycirist she agreed to attend, but it did mot change her, after a few sessions toghether she clashed with all of them as she didnt like what was said, but i continued to them by myself, which i stopped as my wfie complained its a waste of money and i am an expense, again put down. After todays incident of me disclosing that i bought more stuff the **** hit the fan afain abused sworn at etc in front of my teenage kids, and they also turned on me, and i was told to get out, i packed some bare essentials, called in sick to work, and been staying and sleeping in my car. I am told not to go back to the house until saturday and if i do attempt earlier she will call the police. So i have decided to leave and start the divorce legal proceedings, but she thretens me continuosly with my job, kids and my possesions i dont know if i can go throught this she is the type that will go out and destroy me... And ruinmy carrer, especialy if i regain access to the bank accout, as there is a sustantial amount of money we hold, as i have no debt, i dont think i can through this... ! There is no point in me being around anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

You can't change her. You CAN change YOU. Have you read the book No More Mr Nice Guy? That's the best place for you to start. Even if you do divorce, you need to learn this stuff. 

btw, LET her call the police. But call them first yourself, so they know that she will be filing false charges. Then move back home. It's vital for you to do this.


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## nriver13

She refuses to comprimise if i access any funds she threatened to ring my employer and tell of what i have done to her and ridicule me... I dont know what to do...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Seriously, why do you allow her to treat you like this? Man up. She threatens cos you allow it.


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## nriver13

I know Turnera, but i feel my manhood has been stripped! she told me today that we are seperate, i can go back on saturday, and sort out how we split things up. we do things seperatly and i sleep on the couch. And then she demanded that i cannot buy anything or access the money in the account... I dont get it..? she is trying to control me..... but she wants seperation and divorce, and expects me to do what.... I said no way... as the control and abuse will start and i am back in same position, but seperated..!?


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## turnera

Why the hell do you LET her tell you what to do? Did you have an abusive mother or something? No man I know would ever allow his wife to treat him like that. 

JUST STOP ACCEPTING IT. Move back in tomorrow. Let HER move out if she wants out so bad.


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## EleGirl

nriver13 said:


> I am one of those husbands, that buys things behind my wifes back. I love my fishing, and she doesnt let me go, as i work long hours in IT Management, and the weekends i am not allowed as she needs her space, which is fair enough. i bought a couple of rods about $100, without telling her, and she went crazy as i did it behind her back an called me a liar, abuses me in front of the kids, she smashed all my fishing gear


This is abuse. Once all the agreed upon household bills are paid, you should have some money that is yours to spend any way you want. You wife should as well. 



nriver13 said:


> took by bank accout access away,


Again it is abuse for one spouse to cut the other out of having access to any money.
Please explain how she cut you off from your bank account. Was it a joint account? She cannot cut you access to a joint account or any account with your name on it.


nriver13 said:


> and mistrusts me in everything, even accusing me of affairs. I have depression and on medication. she denies me of my meducation at times as i am classed as a liar, mistrusting, selfish c.... i dont know what to do. she has been angry and abusive for 3 to 4 years, i have had 2 breakdowns, attempted suicide, and i get so angry that all she says is No to my requests for gadets tools, fishing gear, i dont want to spend heaps only about $1,000. but no, so i went and replaced my gear that she smashed, and now she has smashed them and my boat, and this time i told her i spent instead of her finding out. i need help!!! the abisiveness and verbalising is so intimidating that i get out of control


Why are you putting up with this? When she starts destroying property you need to call the police on her. She has no right to do this. They will remove her from the home.


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## EleGirl

nriver13 said:


> Thank you JP, you read me very well. We both have been to councelors, phycologist, and my phycirist she agreed to attend, but it did mot change her, after a few sessions toghether she clashed with all of them as she didnt like what was said, but i continued to them by myself, which i stopped as my wfie complained its a waste of money and i am an expense, again put down.


If you have no access to your money, how did you buy more stuff?


nriver13 said:


> After todays incident of me disclosing that i bought more stuff the **** hit the fan afain abused sworn at etc in front of my teenage kids, and they also turned on me, and i was told to get out, i packed some bare essentials, called in sick to work, and been staying and sleeping in my car.


So how long are you going to stay out of work and sleep in the car? Does your wife work?



nriver13 said:


> I am told not to go back to the house until Saturday and if i do attempt earlier she will call the police.


She has no right to kick you out of your home. What she did is inexcusable. The fact that she got your kids involved is even worse. You can call the police, tell them what happened and that you want to get back into your house but you are afraid to.


nriver13 said:


> So i have decided to leave and start the divorce legal proceedings, but she thretens me continuosly with my job, kids and my possesions i dont know if i can go throught this she is the type that will go out and destroy me... And ruin my carrer, especialy if i regain access to the bank accout, as there is a sustantial amount of money we hold, as i have no debt, i dont think i can through this... ! There is no point in me being around anymore
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Are you supporting her? Remind her that if she ruins your career she will be living on welfare.
How can she destroy you? Every thing you have belongs 50/50 to both of you. She cannot take it away from you.

Will you please stay on here long enough right now so that we can have a conversation? Like you answer quickly. I think you are in an emergency mode and need a helping hand here. Please answer back.


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## nriver13

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nriver13

Hi turena, i am at home since last (friday), today she is acting like nothing happened, and made her point that i should not of lied... Buying stuff behind her back, i am so depressed and confused, maybe i did the wrong thing.... From threats of divorce seperation abuse ,,,, she justfied that i should not of lied... And every time i buy without asking she will smash a posseion of mine... I am so unhapy and down.. Dont know what do to? Get up and leave everthing behind? But then she acts like she has done nothing wrong..!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nriver13

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## nriver13

I meant to since last night i came home. After all what was said, she is organising christmas with our families.... I dont understand.?
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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I would never stay in that situation. He will go deeper and deeper into debt and you are currently responsible for 1/2 his debt legally. I would either put a stop to it or file for divorce. He is so sneaky, you have no idea what else he might be doing. You married a man who thinks only of himself. It's obvious, you don't mean a thing to him. He has zero respect for you. I'm very sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nriver13

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## nriver13

I am sorry but know what you mean from your experiance, but i am not in debt, but when ask and the answer is always no, as i am not asking to spend thousands, i just want to go fishing and restore my boat as i am diy person,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

nriver13 said:


> I am sorry but know what you mean from your experiance, but i am not in debt, but when ask and the answer is always no, as i am not asking to spend thousands, i just want to go fishing and restore my boat as i am diy person,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have some questions for you.

What are you doing to fix your situation?

How does your wife keep you away from the money you earn? Does it go into an account in both of your names? It sounds like your wife completely controls your income and all house hold spending. Why? Why are you not also involved in this?

You work. I'm sure you work hard. A certain amount of money should be available to you to spend as you please with out you asking permission. If you need to you can setup that a portion of your pay check goes to an account in your name only and that's your money. She cannot tell you how to spend it. This is a perfectly reasonable and ethical way to do this.

By breaking your things your wife is costing your family more.. .now you have to fix them and replace them. This will cost more.

As for her breaking your things? That is a form of abuse, it borders on physical abuse as generally when the abuser finds that breaking your things does not work they will go after you physcially.

Would you be willing to work on you getting engaged in your family finances and putting and end to this abuse by your wife?


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## nriver13

I dont know how to fix it, we have joint accounts and my atm card is taken away, and only use a credit card so she can monitor what i spend, and yes i do work hard, and provide, for the kids, for whatever they want, i dont have a problem with that, i am so glad that they can,. With the breaking things yes i have said that and she knows but doesnt care if they get or allowed to replace them, as she smashed because i didnt tell her and that is seen as lying sneaking selfish, so i am stuck with what i need to do..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

nriver13 said:


> I dont know how to fix it, we have joint accounts and my atm card is taken away, and only use a credit card so she can monitor what i spend, and yes i do work hard, and provide, for the kids, for whatever they want, i dont have a problem with that, i am so glad that they can,. With the breaking things yes i have said that and she knows but doesnt care if they get or allowed to replace them, as she smashed because i didnt tell her and that is seen as lying sneaking selfish, so i am stuck with what i need to do..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My brother's wife did the same sort of things except that she did not break things. Unlike you my brother did not buy anything at all for himself. It was a major fight if he even bought a pair of shoes for work. My brother works in a hospital... on his feet all night taking care of patients. He has a serious foot injury from when he was in the Army (Airborne). But he tried to make him wear shoes until the fell apart. He was so brow beat that when he started to talk to me about everything, after she asked for a divorce, I was shocked. 

She finally kicked him out and she expected him to find a small room to rent so that it did not cost much. And she expected him to have his paycheck go to their joint account and for her to have 100% control of the money even after she kicked him out.

Like you he was afraid to touch the money he worked for. Over time I worked with him. He was so afraid of her... she's vindictive and mean.. has brow beat him during the entire marriage. But he stayed with her because of the children. And like your situation the children have turned on him.

Over the months I have worked with him. He started by opening up an account in his name only. He depostied part of his paycheck in that account so that he had money for himself. That should be the first step that you take, seriously. It's wrong for you to be treated like this and wrong for you to allow it.

As for her taking your ATM card from you.... go to the bank and order a new card. Have it sent to someone like a friend or relative's house.

Does your wife use online banking? find out how to log onto it. Once my brother did that, he gave me the password and I downloaded 18 months worth of bank transactions into quicken. No wonder his wife did not want him to have access to the account. She's been skimming money out of the account into her own name for years. And she spent the rest like there is no tomorrow.

What my brother has learned is that he should have never allowed her 100% control over their finances. He worked 60-80 hour weeks because she kept saying that they needed the money. And she spend and has hidden ALL of it. 

Since the start of this divorce thing with him in june 2010, he has gotten control of his own finances. by 11/2010 he has his paycheck deposted into his personal account and then transferred to the joint account the amount of child support and spousal support that the court mandated... this was before the filing for divorce. We were able to find out the amount of support that the court usually requires. 

She was furious.. but by that time he had control of his own money and there was nothing she could do. His son turned 18 in May 2011.. so now he has cut out the child support.

She finally filed for divorce. with no kids at home now she's only getting spousal support and that is going way down because we have found some of the money she had in secret accounts.

The point i'm trying to make is that you can change this. It's hard to deal with a woman who is so controlling but in the end you earn the money and you can gain control of it even while providing for your children and your wife.

Right now they see her as the source of all good things because she controls the money. You can change that they come to you for the things they need.

If you need some moral support going through this, you have folks here who will support you.


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## accept

Coming late into this. Before one gives advice one must know more of the case. We still dont know if youre wife works. It is unusual I would say even bizarre and that the almost grown up kids dont support you tells me there is a lot more to it.
How long has this problem been. What did the counselor say. Although you are not in debt, are you short of money. Maybe in the past you really wasted money and that has made your wife like this. It doesnt sound like she means to 'throw' you out. Is it your own house. All in all I think you would be better off away. With a wife and kids against you its no honeymoon. I am not sure how you think your wife will ruin your job. 
About your accounts money etc I think you should give it a rest for now unless your wife is overspending and first sort yourself out.


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## turnera

nriver13 said:


> I dont know how to fix it, we have joint accounts and my atm card is taken away


Go to the bank and get another one.



> only use a credit card so she can monitor what i spend


Go to the bank and apply for a NEW credit card that she has no access to.



> With the breaking things yes i have said that and she knows but doesnt care if they get or allowed to replace them, as she smashed because i didnt tell her and that is seen as lying sneaking selfish, so i am stuck with what i need to do.


How many times do we have to say the same thing before you actually HEAR us?

What you have to do is STOP being a doormat and start acting like a man. If you need help doing that, get help. Go to www.bettermen.org and start reading. Order their book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S - it will be a lifesaver for you. It teaches you that you CAN meet her needs, but that YOU have needs to and you deserve to have them met.

Another book you need to read THIS WEEK is No More Mr Nice Guy; you can get it at any bookstore or library. Read it and report back.

And whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.


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## nriver13

Hi Turnera,

I have tried having another credit card, where she doesnt have access, and she found out, and she got angry and hurt, that i did it behind her back, sneaking around to make minimun cash monthly repayments, which i had to save for over a month. i.e $40... and since then which was 4 years ago, she controls and scrutinises everything i spend, from $20 per week pocket money cash is the only cash i get given, and the rest is put on the credit card. the only reason she found out was when i changed jobs, where the secretary rang home and said there is amex bill for me, and then it started, the anger, the abuse, the accusations... i had to prove every transaction for the 7 years i had the credit card prior, to prove that i had no mistresses or transactions of flowers, hotels, etc... which there was none, I did not play around, and the reason why i took out the credit card was for the same reason. so since then I have been under the microscope, and all over my wife doents appreacite or understands that i need to make things, and just follow my hobby of fishing... where she said No. This has been going for a long time where i was not allowed to buy anything for myself, becuase its seen as selfish male mentality, that is pathetic and not being a proper father and husband, ... and ever since the day she found out i have been forced to be made guilty, humilated, and ashamed, and she always reminds me of that, that I am lucky to be still around at home, and that I am deceitful liar of a basxxxx. And I have had enough of being controlled and abused... hence my depression, which i am told is self induced, as if i didnt lie and hide about the credit card I would be in a mental state of diagniosed mental illness of depression. My Wife Does not Work. She is a stay at home mum for 18 years, as my eldest son, just turned 18, and my daughter is 16. If take out a seperate credit card that she doesnt have access too, it will be hard to get cash to pay the monthly installement, and if she finds out...? as she does make run a credit refrence history report once per year, to ensure that I have not applied for any credit or loans.. but I am Tempted, as I see this may be the only way I can have some independance, .. of kind...


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## nriver13

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## nriver13

Hi to all with your fantastic advice, you all are so open without judgement and genuialy really want to help, what a overwhelmng response and i still have to answer all your questions, i will respond, and just wanted to thank you, especialy to elegirl and turnera. Your advice is really making me look at myself and situation. But still feel hopeless and in a state of just proding along with no direction...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept

I am sorry you havent read my previous post.
With the present information I have, my advice to you is to get out. It may be hard and you may have to talk to legal people but you dont have a choice. With a wife and kids against you its just too much. They dont deserve a man like you who works for them while they do nothing except are nasty to you. YOU HAVE TO GO. You have it seems nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your wife wont change why should she, she has her meal ticket. If it would have been earlier and things wouldnt have got so far I would have said separate but its too late for that. I am more often that not at odds with other posters here, usually saying one should stay with the others saying divorce, but this time I must change my tune. 
Can you tell us why it would be difficult for you to leave. Maybe we can help you with that as well.


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## Jellybeans

turnera said:


> Why are you married to such a jerk? Are you just free sex for him?
> 
> Time to learn to respect yourself more. Skip the marriage counselor and go to a psychologist to find out why you have such low self-respect and self-esteem.


I agree. This is your biggest problem.

It's not ok for him to not include you in such major purchases. It's basically a one-sided marriage where you have no say. BTDT and got the t-shirt. It gets old really fast.


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## turnera

nriver13 said:


> ever since the day she found out i have been forced to be made guilty, humilated, and ashamed


No one can force you to do anything but YOU.

Stop blaming her.

You are the one with the problem here. Have you gotten the books I suggested yet? Gone to the website?


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## nriver13

Hi All, who have been talking with me, I have started a new thread, as I may of taken over this thread.
The New thread I created is titled: "What To Do How Can One Change or be Complacement is it Too Late? or go with the Flow? "


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## nriver13

accept said:


> I am sorry you havent read my previous post.
> With the present information I have, my advice to you is to get out. It may be hard and you may have to talk to legal people but you dont have a choice. With a wife and kids against you its just too much. They dont deserve a man like you who works for them while they do nothing except are nasty to you. YOU HAVE TO GO. You have it seems nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your wife wont change why should she, she has her meal ticket. If it would have been earlier and things wouldnt have got so far I would have said separate but its too late for that. I am more often that not at odds with other posters here, usually saying one should stay with the others saying divorce, but this time I must change my tune.
> Can you tell us why it would be difficult for you to leave. Maybe we can help you with that as well.


dont know how... my wife and kids dont even bother ringing at when i am at work anymore, and if do, its very shallow from the kids, and sarcaism from my wife, where we get into an argument over nothing... and i have had enough of this, as i heard that yesterday, i was being ridiculed again (which is another burning issue she has..), and i felt last night that the only way is for me to just walk out, despite christmas etc... where if there feelings and mind are at odds, the meaning of christmas is valid, and i cant but fronts anymore...
as to why it would difficult for me to leave, is fear... where do i go, and stay, as I have no support from family, and no contact with friends for a long time. I am so Angry..! that I am treated like a alleged crimminal, always under scrutiny.. not trusted, get questioned and why and with who is at my employers christmas party, and the vendors i deal with christmas functions, i have done nothing that wrong... i dont gamble, or drink in exccess, i work hard, i help out on the house stuff... to stop her winging, i have not lost any money, I have had no affairs, all i did was just by some stuff occasionly using my credit card card,and because i dont tell her that i buying stuff, i am a lier and slefish, and it it does not happen every month... and the stuff i buy is : fishing gear, poratble disk drive, electronic parts, a 2nd hand CB radio.. a couple of dvd movies (old war movies). i have even bought her gold jewelry... which she complained as i used her money not money that i saved up... (dont how i could if i diont have access to cash)... i just dont know.... is it that bad what i did .... and all because i diont tell her she mistrusts me in everythinig.... and that has rubbed on the kids.... i cant stand this anymore...


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## nriver13

Hi Turnera,
I have had enough, I planning on leaving tonight, cant put up with this anymore... even though it is christmas, and i will cause some anxt, as I will not be going to any of my families christmas lunch or dinner, where everyone will start asking why and what has been going on. Accept has a point, it cant get any worse.... i am building my inner strength and ensuring i have thought through the emotional ramifications too my kids, and my family, and the consequences which may arise from my wife...


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## golfergirl

nriver13 said:


> Hi Turnera,
> I have had enough, I planning on leaving tonight, cant put up with this anymore... even though it is christmas, and i will cause some anxt, as I will not be going to any of my families christmas lunch or dinner, where everyone will start asking why and what has been going on. Accept has a point, it cant get any worse.... i am building my inner strength and ensuring i have thought through the emotional ramifications too my kids, and my family, and the consequences which may arise from my wife...


Can we split these threads? OP's message totally lost in this mess!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nriver13

Created a New Thread, and agree and apologise for the mix up.
Thread is called:
What To Do How Can One Change or be Complacement is it Too Late? or go with the Flow?


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