# Communication Improvements



## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

Does anyone have any suggestions to improve on the communication in your marriage on a day to day, hour to hour, week to week or all the time communication with your spouse? I really want to be more emotionally communicative with my wife, and I trying to come up different approaches to this. Please if anyone has any suggestions thanks in advance.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

I commend you for wanting to do this. I've struggled with this very issue with my H for a long time and we are pretty much well on our way to a D 

Anyway - Do you guys eat dinner together -- that is always a good place to start. Do you know your W's hobbies or interests? Sometimes all it takes is something little to get the ball rolling 

Good luck!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Talking has always worked for me. 

Seriously that sounds like a trite answer but it's really not. I'm not talking about chit chat but about a conversation. One where you stop and enjoy each others company. Where you learn how your spouse feels and what she's thinking and she learns the same about you. In the book His Needs/Her Needs the author says you should schedule 15 hours a week of time for just the two of you. 

You may not be able to sit down on the couch and say, "ok, let's have a conversation" cause it may be kinda awkward. You have to go for a walk around the block together or something so the conversation flows more naturally. Do y'all have anything you like to do together?


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> I commend you for wanting to do this. I've struggled with this very issue with my H for a long time and we are pretty much well on our way to a D
> 
> Anyway - Do you guys eat dinner together -- that is always a good place to start. Do you know your W's hobbies or interests? Sometimes all it takes is something little to get the ball rolling
> 
> Good luck!


Yes! We try to eat together much as possible, and I do want to start maybe tiling the bathroom floor together. (That was my thought) I just get fussed at for not coming to her first with talking about our issues, and I always try to improve. I always get told that I'm not improving. Why are the struggles on communicating with your husband, it is the way he communicates, or not enough communication? I really want to know to avoid potential problems if you dont mind.


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> Talking has always worked for me.
> 
> Seriously that sounds like a trite answer but it's really not. I'm not talking about chit chat but about a conversation. One where you stop and enjoy each others company. Where you learn how your spouse feels and what she's thinking and she learns the same about you. In the book His Needs/Her Needs the author says you should schedule 15 hours a week of time for just the two of you.
> 
> You may not be able to sit down on the couch and say, "ok, let's have a conversation" cause it may be kinda awkward. You have to go for a walk around the block together or something so the conversation flows more naturally. Do y'all have anything you like to do together?



When its warm we do walk together, or like now I started telling her about my day. I was going to start talking to her on my lunch if I really have something to talk about.She does enjoy watching Youtube videos and I try to spend time talking about some of those You Tube personalities she likes. I may call on my lunch breaks just to see whats going on anyway.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Try reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. I didn't like all of it... but it does give some insight into the way the different sexes TALK to each other. 

I like that it gave lots of examples and non-examples, and was easy to read.


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> Try reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. I didn't like all of it... but it does give some insight into the way the different sexes TALK to each other.
> 
> I like that it gave lots of examples and non-examples, and was easy to read.


Thanks I will try this also!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

As a woman, maybe this idea will help.

When you come home from work, take at least 5 minutes or more and just ask her how her day went. And listen. It's not much different from how you tell her how your day went. But ask her anyways. 

My H does like and need to talk all about how his day went, but when he does call me during the day, he asked me first what my plans are for the day, how the day is going, and whether or not I want to spend some time together that night.

When he comes home from work, he is dying to "vent" about his tough job, but he takes 5 minutes and gives me a hug and sincerely asks about my day and listens. He gives me that 5 minutes.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

deejov said:


> As a woman, maybe this idea will help.
> 
> When you come home from work, take at least 5 minutes or more and just ask her how her day went. And listen. It's not much different from how you tell her how your day went. But ask her anyways.
> 
> ...


This is a good suggestion - I try to do this with my wife. One thing I've learned though, and this goes back to the Venus/Mars book, I have to resist the urge to immediately start trying to solve the things my wife mentions from her day. She doesn't want me to solve them, she just wants me to hear them and understand them. When I start trying to solve them it inevitably leads to a tense debate about the particular issue. 

That and when she starts showing me this cute outfit or that cute outfit she bought for the kids I really have to force myself to stop and pay attention. In reality I couldn't give a damn less, but it's important to her so I make myself notice and appreciate it. Honey - if you read this - sorry....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This is a good suggestion - I try to do this with my wife. One thing I've learned though, and this goes back to the Venus/Mars book, I have to resist the urge to immediately start trying to solve the things my wife mentions from her day. She doesn't want me to solve them, she just wants me to hear them and understand them. When I start trying to solve them it inevitably leads to a tense debate about the particular issue.
> 
> That and when she starts showing me this cute outfit or that cute outfit she bought for the kids I really have to force myself to stop and pay attention. In reality I couldn't give a damn less, but it's important to her so I make myself notice and appreciate it. Honey - if you read this - sorry....


You are hilarious! I know what you mean...I try very hard to pay close attention to the new mining processess all the junior engineers are working on in northern Quebec...(eyes glaze as we speak)...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WorkHardOnMyself said:


> Does anyone have any suggestions to improve on the communication in your marriage on a day to day, hour to hour, week to week or all the time communication with your spouse? I really want to be more emotionally communicative with my wife, and I trying to come up different approaches to this. Please if anyone has any suggestions thanks in advance.


Set aside a fixed amount of time every day (start with 15 minutes) for undivided attention to each other. No phone, no computer, no tv, no interruptions. During that time, each partner takes their turn saying whatever is on their mind about whatever subject they wish. The more said the better. If 15 min is not enough for both partners to speak, increase the time


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

I guess, that from my own experience, I'd suggest that you always put yourself in your wife's shoes and think hard how would you feel/how would you react. 

Having said that, it's also important to take into the account all the personality differences that exist between you two - for example, if she can't stand being rushed while you thrive under pressure, when her boss tells her to hand in a report in an hour it could be really traumatic for her while for you it might be something normal or even exciting. On the other hand, if you hate losing things (umbrellas, gloves, etc...) while she assumes that it happens, you might be furious if you lose your umbrella while she could be happy because she then has a chance to buy herself a new one. I'm obviously making those examples up, but I hope you get my point.

So... put yourself in her shoes but in the areas that you and your wife differ, always try to compare like for like (=things that you love/hate with the things that your wife loves/hates, because obviously they don't have to be the same things). 

I hope it helps.


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> You are way ahead of most people by just wanting to improve and gain more knowledge and skill.
> 
> Keep it up


I appreciate that! But I have been married for 6 years, and my wife always tells me that she's unhappy with our communications. I really want to be there for emotionally, but I am starting to think its maybe us as I get told that sometimes.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You said your wife gets upset when you don't discuss "issues with her first". What does that mean? Are you talking about your marital issues with someone other than your wife?

Or is it that you are not used to bringing up issues as they arise and instead store them up, stuff them down, and then explode when you can't take it any longer? If that is the issue, your wife will feel really hurt by the emotional dishonesty. It sucks to think that things are going well only to be told 2 months later that such and such a thing she did made you angry. 

On the other hand, there may not be a lot of emotional safety in the marriage, either. She may be judgemental or critical, you may also be that way, and this does not make it easy to open up.

At the very least, carve out time with your wife to just talk and focus on each other. Sharing your thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires makes you closer. If you can create a sense of the two of you against the world, that is awesome. 

Don't assume you know what she is thinking or feeling. That is just bad advice. Ask her what she is feeling! And when she tells you, don't judge. Ask her to do the same for you.

It is great you are interesting in growing in your marriage!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Also here is one really excellent book recommendation:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD. It is a fantastic book and grounded in research as well. It's very down to earth and designed for couples to read together. It comes with exercises you can do as you are reading it together. Our therapist suggested it and my husband and I loved it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WorkHardOnMyself said:


> my wife always tells me that she's unhappy with our communications


Is there anything specific she is unhappy with? For example, I am unhappy with some of the communications in our marriage. Specifically, I don't like to be scolded and I shared this with my wife just this morning


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

I, too, have had communication problems with my wife of almost three years, but, like you, have been making a conscious effort to improve communication lately.

What has worked for me...

Taking more of an active interest in the things that are important to her whether it is asking about her day at the office and her bosses or co-workers or asking about her family. 

Trying to keep my calm when she is saying things I may not like...allowing her to get it off her chest but not escalating it into a (bigger) conflict and then addressing what she is saying in a calm manner and trying to reach an agreeable solution.

Sufficient communication whether through e-mail, text, telephone or in person. She likes to stay in touch and we both are at our respective work desks most of the day. It can be as simple as "How is your day going" to asking about after work plans, dinner plans, etc, or telling each other that we love and miss each other. 

Communication is a tricky thing but providing that two people keep trying to get it right, I think, eventually they will get it right...or at least that is what I am hoping!


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> This is a good suggestion - I try to do this with my wife. One thing I've learned though, and this goes back to the Venus/Mars book, I have to resist the urge to immediately start trying to solve the things my wife mentions from her day. She doesn't want me to solve them, she just wants me to hear them and understand them. When I start trying to solve them it inevitably leads to a tense debate about the particular issue.
> 
> That and when she starts showing me this cute outfit or that cute outfit she bought for the kids I really have to force myself to stop and pay attention. In reality I couldn't give a damn less, but it's important to her so I make myself notice and appreciate it. Honey - if you read this - sorry....


Awesome advice!


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> You said your wife gets upset when you don't discuss "issues with her first". What does that mean? Are you talking about your marital issues with someone other than your wife?
> 
> Or is it that you are not used to bringing up issues as they arise and instead store them up, stuff them down, and then explode when you can't take it any longer? If that is the issue, your wife will feel really hurt by the emotional dishonesty. It sucks to think that things are going well only to be told 2 months later that such and such a thing she did made you angry.
> 
> ...


My wife has gotten upset because she feels like she always brings up issues in marriage, but I dont store any feelings & explode later. Thanks for the advice!


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> Also here is one really excellent book recommendation:
> 
> The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD. It is a fantastic book and grounded in research as well. It's very down to earth and designed for couples to read together. It comes with exercises you can do as you are reading it together. Our therapist suggested it and my husband and I loved it.


Thanks!


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Is there anything specific she is unhappy with? For example, I am unhappy with some of the communications in our marriage. Specifically, I don't like to be scolded and I shared this with my wife just this morning


She thinks its the same communication issue when she confronts me with the issue, but its different area of communication each time if that makes senses.


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## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

SecondTimesTheCharm said:


> I, too, have had communication problems with my wife of almost three years, but, like you, have been making a conscious effort to improve communication lately.
> 
> What has worked for me...
> 
> ...


Wow! I'm in the same boat with you, but I will take your advice and try to use it! Thanks I appreciate it!


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