# Sexless Marriage - Need advice



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

My wife (37 yo) and I (40 yo) have been married for just over 7 years with 1 child. We have a fairly decent relationship outside of the sex / intimacy realm. We both work, live comfortably, do many family things (the three of us), go on dates occasionally, etc. We have minor arguments / discussions occasionally over the typical stuff - house duties, kid stuff, finances, etc - but they are often productive and lead to change or progress in some way. The one topic topic that is absolutely breaking us apart is the lack of intimacy and sex between us. 

Before marriage and children, sex was still an issue but it was present/occurring , but driven almost entirely by my SO. It has now been ~1.5 years since we last had sex. She has always had a higher sex drive than me and I have had, and continue to have, hang ups and/issues on the sex realm. I have significant PE and minor ED, along with a lower libido (although I was tested and do not have Low Testosterone) so even when sexual situations occured they were not often successes (I.e. SO does not climax). To make matters worse, this lower libido and sexual issues has caused a lack of desire on my end and therefore caused my wife to feel unloved, undesired, and like I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with her.

I do want a sexual relatioship with her but I just don’t know how to make it happen at this point. I love my wife dearly but she is certainly pulling back a lot and has recently talked about seperate spaces in the house and doing more things seperately. I desperately want to show her I love her, desire her, and that I want to please her sexually. We have never used toys but we have purchased some to try but haven’t gotten to a point where can use them (again driven by inability to drive it), I have seen a couple doctors and have prescriptions for both Cialis and Viagra to try combat the ED (may also help the PE) but i have no tried either, we have in the past seen a therapist, I have then personally saw another therapist to try to help me work through things, and I am looking to get with a 3rd therapist to help me work through these issues once and for good and help provide advice / suggestions.

I feel like I am trying but that clearly is not sufficient and I need to succeed. Any and all advice is very much appreciated. I desperately want to get my marriage back on track so we can have a happy and healthy 40+ years together!! Thank you.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Doesn’t sound like trying to me. Sounds like making pretenses you’ll try.

Trying would be using the toys, taking the meds, staying in therapy, giving her enthusiastic oral or manual stimulation when PIV doesn’t work out.

Are you really sure you want to get your marriage back on track, if that means you have to be more sexual with your wife? Just speculating, but maybe deep down you get something out of maintaining the status quo.

Has your wife expressed concern about your marriage being sexless?

What does “inability to drive it” mean?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lots of talking about it .... no action

Your mouth and hands aren’t broken.

Buy a penis sleeve.... It will stay hard forever and she will get the [email protected] of a lifetime.

Your penis doesn’t have to define your sex life ... and it surely doesn’t have to be the end of it.

You are too much in your head. Throw your wife down on the bed and give her oral like you mean it. It’s that simple. Stop thinking about it.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I do want a sexual relationship with her BUT.

What’s really going on for you - I’m detecting a serious blockage unrelated to her.

You Married later, in your 30s I assume?

Previous sexual history?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the time fro loving has gone , 

you wife has given up on this relationship , 

I get the feeling you are not reading what she is saying , you want one thing she wants another 



Istryingenough? said:


> I love my wife dearly but she is certainly pulling back a lot and has recently talked about seperate spaces in the house and doing more things seperately.


looks like a woman that is thinking of moving out


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> the time fro loving has gone ,
> 
> you wife has given up on this relationship ,
> 
> ...


Like a woman that is thinking of moving out

You mean: of moving ON ....


----------



## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

As Yoda says, "Do or Do Not. There is no Try"

You might consider the possibility that you don't have "low libido" but rather zero libido -- maybe you are asexual (someone who does not experience _sexual_ attraction or desire)? Whether you are or not, there appears to be an important incompatibility in your relationship...


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Like a woman that is thinking of moving out
> 
> You mean: of moving ON ....


 I think people first move to the extra bedroom , then often move out and then the big D word comes in and then they start to move on last


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Istryingenough? said:


> My wife (37 yo) and I (40 yo) have been married for just over 7 years with 1 child. We have a fairly decent relationship outside of the sex / intimacy realm. We both work, live comfortably, do many family things (the three of us), go on dates occasionally, etc. We have minor arguments / discussions occasionally over the typical stuff - house duties, kid stuff, finances, etc - but they are often productive and lead to change or progress in some way. The one topic topic that is absolutely breaking us apart is the lack of intimacy and sex between us.
> 
> Before marriage and children, sex was still an issue but it was present/occurring , but driven almost entirely by my SO. It has now been ~1.5 years since we last had sex. She has always had a higher sex drive than me and I have had, and continue to have, hang ups and/issues on the sex realm. I have significant PE and minor ED, along with a lower libido (although I was tested and do not have Low Testosterone) so even when sexual situations occured they were not often successes (I.e. SO does not climax). To make matters worse, this lower libido and sexual issues has caused a lack of desire on my end and therefore caused my wife to feel unloved, undesired, and like I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with her.
> 
> ...


You aren't trying nearly hard enough.

I have always thought that the sexual relationship between a couple is the glue that bonds and binds them to one another. *Essential* but not sufficient. Absent a robust and mutually satisfying sexual relationship, a couple is headed for trouble. It is a little strange that the two of you married when there were already sexual problems between you. Both of you allowing these problems to continue for seven years to the point you haven't been intimate in a year and half has left your wife desperate. It is amazing to me that she hasn't already left you or encountered another man who instinctively senses that she is approachable.

Because you have let this problem continue so long, urgency is essential for there to be any chance of success. You have seen two doctors and have both PDE5 inhibitors in hand but haven't used either one??!! Why not? I can tell you that if low T isn't a problem, either one ought to do the job but try them both (one at a time lol). If they don't work it is back to the doctor(s). Maybe your problems are psychological in nature. BTW, low T for one man isn't same as low T for another. A competent urologist who specializes in male problems can isolate what your issue is and begin treating it. But the best doctor in the world can't fix someone who wont take the prescriptions written.

BTW, having ED and/or PE or whatever else is no excuse for you not be giving your wife satisfaction. There are couples where the husband is paralyzed below the waist who enjoy one another by other means. Your mouth and hands still work don't they? If you don't know how, get your wife to teach you. Your interest in pleasing her might be what will give you enough time to save the marriage.

You have a LOT of work to do and very little if any time to do it in. The window is closing and if you actually want a successful sexual relationship with your wife, you better pick up the pace of fixing your problems. Suspect most women's patience would be at an end after 18 months with no sex.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The OP is clearly experiencing psychological issues, he is not doing it on purpose. Cut him some slack.

OP: seek help with a new psychologist. Does your wife know exactly what you are going through? If so, she should help you, not withdraw from you.


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

PieceOfSky said:


> Doesn’t sound like trying to me. Sounds like making pretenses you’ll try.
> 
> Trying would be using the toys, taking the meds, staying in therapy, giving her enthusiastic oral or manual stimulation when PIV doesn’t work out.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the reply. I agree there is a lot of pretenses i am working through for sure. 

I did take the Cialis once and Viagra twice attempted to make sexual advances hoping to lead to a sexual encounter. I don't recall the specifics but needless to say sex did not occur - whether I didn't try hard enough, do the right things, etc I honestly can not recall. That was 6+ months ago at least now. 

I have had success with oral stimulation in the past with other partners (and i enjoy giving it) but my wife is not and never has been a fan of this. We have had success some success with manual stimulation early on in our relationship but she is had stated she does not climax with manual stimulation and PIV is the referred/best option. 

Yes i absolutely do want to get my marriage and sex life with my life back into a balance that works for both of us. That said, as you mentioned maintaining the status quo, is better than continually fighting about, so there are time I do not bring it up if it's not an active argument and this only makes the matter worse but i want to avoid "the fight" again.


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

PieceOfSky said:


> Doesn’t sound like trying to me. Sounds like making pretenses you’ll try.
> 
> Trying would be using the toys, taking the meds, staying in therapy, giving her enthusiastic oral or manual stimulation when PIV doesn’t work out.
> 
> ...


Sorry missed a couple repsonses

Has your wife expressed concern about your marriage being sexless? - Yes many time for a number of years. She has expressed a number of other issues also like not supporting here with health issues, not helping with our daughter, not being an involved father, not helping around the house, etc. I have make leaps and bounds strides in other realms - she would agree that I am not a fantastic father, I carry a good deal of house burden, helping more-so on heath challenges, etc but the sex issue is the one i struggle with the most and have made the least progress on.

What does “inability to drive it” mean?- I don't know what to do. I would love to get ideas, scenarios, advice, path forward from this type of online forum. "Use sex toys" is unfortunately advice that I don't know what to do with - i can't put it out of the drawer and and go. I don't know how to get to a point where i could use it on her. How to get her comfortable with me using it on her (she's stating she not comfortable with me using it on here right now) , etc. How do i get there? 

She's told me to "research online" - i can't think of a things i am worse at that researching things online. I have read articles and looked things up of course but that has come with little to no success. 

I am hoping to have stories of other who have had similar circumstance as I am in and what they have done with specific details.


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Lots of talking about it .... no action
> 
> Your mouth and hands aren’t broken.
> 
> ...


A penis sleeve is in interesting idea. I have never heard of one. I did buy a vibrator to use with my wife. I did buy a couple **** rings to try. But i don't know how to get to the point to where i can physically use them on her and try those things out. 

As mentioned in previous reply I have had success with oral stimulation in the past with other partners (and i enjoy giving it) but my wife is not and never has been a fan of this. We have had success some success with manual stimulation early on in our relationship but she is had stated she does not climax with manual stimulation and PIV is the referred/best option.


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I do want a sexual relationship with her BUT.
> 
> What’s really going on for you - I’m detecting a serious blockage unrelated to her.
> 
> ...


There are a lot of buts and excused no doubt. 

I was 32 and she was 29 when we married. She left her previous husband for me (separate, long, and really unrelated story). 

My previous sexual past is rocky - I was a virgin until 20. And then I was in college partying hard, 95+% of all my sexual encounters before my wife were either pretty drunk to near black out drunk. I clearly had a big (binge) drinking problem then and into most of my 20s. But for most of my marriage, especially since our daughter was born (6 yo) I socially drink, normally having 2-4 drinks a week (typically craft IPAs).


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> the time fro loving has gone ,
> 
> you wife has given up on this relationship ,
> 
> ...


Thank you for reply.


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> As Yoda says, "Do or Do Not. There is no Try"
> 
> You might consider the possibility that you don't have "low libido" but rather zero libido -- maybe you are asexual (someone who does not experience _sexual_ attraction or desire)? Whether you are or not, there appears to be an important incompatibility in your relationship...


Yes the asexual front is something I will look more into.


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think people first move to the extra bedroom , then often move out and then the big D word comes in and then they start to move on last


We have talked about divorce openly and realistically. We are not closed off to it, but neither one of us want it especially with out daughter in the picture. We both acknowledge that if we didn't have out daughter we likely would not be togheter at this point. 

But we want to find a mark to make it work and not have a sexless marriage - we fell in love once and i believe we can do it again. I know it will require me getting advice and getting out of my own head.


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> You aren't trying nearly hard enough.
> 
> I have always thought that the sexual relationship between a couple is the glue that bonds and binds them to one another. *Essential* but not sufficient. Absent a robust and mutually satisfying sexual relationship, a couple is headed for trouble. It is a little strange that the two of you married when there were already sexual problems between you. Both of you allowing these problems to continue for seven years to the point you haven't been intimate in a year and half has left your wife desperate. It is amazing to me that she hasn't already left you or encountered another man who instinctively senses that she is approachable.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. 

I agree there is a lot of work and i need help, hence why I am here at an online community. It is amazing she hasn't left me for another man from the sexuality front and that is solo due to our daughter and how she could be affected. We've even had open discussions on how she can get sex outside out marriage but still maintin a marriage - not an option I want or one she personally would be able to pursue but we have talked "out of the box" options. 

As stated in a previous response I did take the Cialis once and Viagra twice and attempted to make sexual advances hoping to lead to a sexual encounter. I don't recall the specifics but needless to say sex did not occur - whether I didn't try hard enough, do the right things, etc I honestly can not recall. That was 6+ months ago at least now. 

I am 100% certain i have some psychological issue that i need to work through am seeing a therapist again. 

Also as stated in a previous reponse I have had success with oral stimulation in the past with other partners (and i enjoy giving it) but my wife is not and never has been a fan of this. We have had some success with manual stimulation early on in our relationship but she is had stated she does not climax with manual stimulation and PIV is the referred/best option 

And I agree my window is closing and i need to act and desperately need advice. Any specific advice and/or things to try would be very much appreciated!


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Istryingenough? said:


> We have talked about divorce openly and realistically. We are not closed off to it, but neither one of us want it especially with out daughter in the picture. We both acknowledge that if we didn't have out daughter we likely would not be togheter at this point.
> 
> But we want to find a mark to make it work and not have a sexless marriage - we fell in love once and i believe we can do it again. I know it will require me getting advice and getting out of my own head.


 I WISH YOU WELL 
I think it is worth working at it if both can, 
often I think the worst thing is when one can't let go of the past , 
like the famous one when somethings happens and the crap that happened is pull up to win an argument


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Istryingenough? said:


> *As stated in a previous response I did take the Cialis once and Viagra twice and attempted to make sexual advances hoping to lead to a sexual encounter. *I don't recall the specifics but needless to say sex did not occur - whether I didn't try hard enough, do the right things, etc I honestly can not recall.* That was 6+ months ago at least now*.
> 
> *I am 100% certain i have some psychological issue that i need to work through am seeing a therapist again.*


You should discuss with your doctor, the whole scenario. Don't wait 6+ months to work the problem. Ask doctor to send you for help with the psychological, focused on male sexual performance. The psychological issue will need to be addressed firstly because Cialis and Viagra work on improving blood flow so when aroused you get results. No arousal, no erection. And, the more you fail the more failures will follow. Then you have psychological ED. 

If you get morning wood, that is another sign that when you aren't thinking about it, everything works physically. If your wife manually or orally stimulates you what happens?


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I’d keep a journal, recording what you intended to try, what you actually tried, and what happened good and bad. Not being able to remember isn’t going to lead to progress.

Is your wife no longer open to engaging with you sexually at all? Did she tell you she is not interested in sexual contact if it is not going to be PIV, or is that a roadblock you are creating for yourself in your head?


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> You should discuss with your doctor, the whole scenario. Don't wait 6+ months to work the problem. Ask doctor to send you for help with the psychological, focused on male sexual performance. The psychological issue will need to be addressed firstly because Cialis and Viagra work on improving blood flow so when aroused you get results. No arousal, no erection. And, the more you fail the more failures will follow. Then you have psychological ED.
> 
> If you get morning wood, that is another sign that when you aren't thinking about it, everything works physically. If your wife manually or orally stimulates you what happens?


I plan and it's wholely on me for continuing to wait. I have always been a procrastinator in all things in life that isn't a great trait, my relationship with my wife can't fall into the procrastination realm. 

I certainly get aroused and stay hard often times around my wife. But sometimes, not always, i can't stay hard when it's time to perform - i would think this leans more toward performance anxiety and ability to perform. But i plan to disucss this with a therapist and I will make another appt with my urologist to discuss further also.


----------



## Istryingenough? (Jul 22, 2021)

PieceOfSky said:


> I’d keep a journal, recording what you intended to try, what you actually tried, and what happened good and bad. Not being able to remember isn’t going to lead to progress.
> 
> Is your wife no longer open to engaging with you sexually at all? Did she tell you she is not interested in sexual contact if it is not going to be PIV, or is that a roadblock you are creating for yourself in your head?


Thank you for this recommendation - i have already started. This will be a great tool for me to go back and see am i trying trying, does my wife believe i am trying, are we both seeing the same things or is it only trying in my head and it's half a$$ed to her. Can also lead to talking points in the future also. 

She as stated she is very hurt and had been but she would still choose me and still wants to have a relationship for us. She does want to engage sexually with me but i know breaking down the barriers and having her feel comfortable with me engaging her and her being vulnerable with me. I know there is work to get there but i am certain she wants to engage, just getting there will not be simple. 

She prefers PIV, absolutely does not want oral, she is open to manual simulation and using toys together (we never have). That is an open and frank discussion we have had.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Istryingenough? said:


> I plan and it's wholely on me for continuing to wait. I have always been a procrastinator in all things in life that isn't a great trait, my relationship with my wife can't fall into the procrastination realm.
> 
> I certainly get aroused and stay hard often times around my wife. *But sometimes, not always, i can't stay hard when it's time to perform *-* i would think this leans more toward performance anxiety and ability to perform*. But i plan to disucss this with a therapist and I will make another appt with my urologist to discuss further also.


Yes that indicates you are overthinking things, worrying about what happens next instead enjoying. Being unable to perform even sometimes messes with the head above your neck. Failure begets more failure. But you say it is only sometimes you have a problem? Your wife could help with this if she wanted to but maybe that ship has sailed. Is she amplifying a failure by expressing her continued frustration? Or just giving up in anger? That wouldn't be unusual because sounds like she has put up with a lot over a long time. 

Sounds like there are a lot of different currents going on here, so a lot of work needed. Work with the therapist and urologist and let them both know the urgency of your situation.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Practice, practice, practice! You've got to get back on that horse so just do it. At some point, you will have so many failures under your belt that it just won't affect you anymore. Then you can relax and go with the flow.

When I was learning how to ice skate, I hit the ice so many times my bum froze. My brother and sister would have none of my whining and kept me at it. Eventually, it came together for me. I won't bore you with how learning to ride a bicycle went for me (still have the scars).

You can do this!


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Practice, practice, practice! You've got to get back on that horse so just do it. At some point, you will have so many failures under your belt that it just won't affect you anymore. Then you can relax and go with the flow.


Speaking as someone who has experienced performance anxiety from aging, something has to happen to break the cycle of failure. Until if happened to me, thought something like that was impossible. The OPs problem is he has procrastinated so long that his partner who would be best to help him over this problem has disengaged from the situation,


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> Speaking as someone who has experienced performance anxiety from aging, something has to happen to break the cycle of failure. Until if happened to me, thought something like that was impossible. The OPs problem is he has procrastinated so long that his partner who would be best to help him over this problem has disengaged from the situation,


She will reengage. He needs to tell her "Darlin', I'm going to fix this if it kills me. All I ask is that you allow me to try. It may not get us anywhere today; but, we *will* get there."


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

PE I had a really bad bout with it that showed up maybe out of nowhere but thinking back I had a lot of stress at the time. 3x300mg St. John’s Wort every day and no PE since I started it.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> She will reengage. He needs to tell her "*Darlin', I'm going to fix this if it kills me. All I ask is that you allow me to try.* It may not get us anywhere today; but, we *will* get there."


Hopefully, but she has likely heard a lot of promises already with no carry through. He should involve wife with dr visits, duagnoses, treatment plan so she knows it isnt just more talk. I said to my wife exactly what is in bold, from day one, and went to first doctor with on day two. Read all could and shared with her what had read. Joined TAM to dialogue with others. Started journal to track progress and talk with doctors sbout it. Wife knew exactly what was happening every step of the way. Of course her attitude as always was "we will get through this" And we did.


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Istryingenough? said:


> As stated in a previous response I did take the Cialis once and Viagra twice and attempted to make sexual advances hoping to lead to a sexual encounter. I don't recall the specifics but needless to say sex did not occur - whether I didn't try hard enough, do the right things, etc I honestly can not recall. That was 6+ months ago at least now.


Was your approach to this experiment something like 'wife, I want to fix this, let's try Cialis and make a date for this afternoon. If it doesn't work, I got some viagra too, let's try again tomorrow.'

Or

'I'll take Cialis, not tell her, try to initiate and hope something happens. '


i.e legit question - how much are you involving her? Does she still WANT to be involved in possible solutions? Or has she gotten to the point where her attitude is, just fix it and get back to me with some results?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> Was your approach to this experiment something like 'wife, I want to fix this, let's try Cialis and make a date for this afternoon. If it doesn't work, I got some viagra too, let's try again tomorrow.'
> 
> Or
> 
> ...


It needs to be the first. And Viagra will work in about an hour, Cialis little quicker and longer lasting. IF he becomes aroused. If not something else is going on.


----------

