# Hi just joined. Devastated. Can’t stop the lows



## TedFL

Three boys at home. She’s seeing someone. Home life is toxic and I left last night. Thinking about Checking myself in due to idiations. Struggling to find hope.


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## BeyondRepair007

TedFL said:


> Three boys at home. She’s seeing someone. Home life is toxic and I left last night. Thinking about Checking myself in due to idiations. Struggling to find hope.


Ted, I’m really sorry you’re here and going through this.

I agree completely with you…if you‘re having those thoughts, you should check yourself in immediately. Don’t act on them.

Think about your kids…not your wife. Not yourself.
Think about their future. Pick up the phone and get help asap.


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## BeyondRepair007

If those ideations are related to suicide, please go here:









Home







suicidepreventionlifeline.org


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## Diana7

Please think of your boys, put them first.


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## kh4OffRoad

How old are your sons man? As far as the cheating spouse goes , you have come to the right place. Lots of people on here have re-married and gone on to live much happier lives. They are also willing to help. Definitely think all about those 3 boys and how much they will need you.


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## Numb26

There are plenty of people here who can help you through the dark times. Stay strong!


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## *Deidre*

Hi Ted and welcome! I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now but we are here to listen and sometimes just sharing experiences no matter how grim, can be helpful. Hope you hang out with us!


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## TedFL

kh4OffRoad said:


> How old are your sons man? As far as the cheating spouse goes , you have come to the right place. Lots of people on here have re-married and gone on to live much happier lives. They are also willing to help. Definitely think all about those 3 boys and how much they will need you.


They are 13 5 and 4. The feelings of hopelessness come and go, but the environment I just left is toxic


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## Diana7

TedFL said:


> They are 13 5 and 4. The feelings of hopelessness come and go, but the environment I just left is toxic


Are they safe there? Do they know why you left?


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## Asterix

TedFL said:


> They are 13 5 and 4. The feelings of hopelessness come and go, but the environment I just left is toxic


Your boys need a role model now more than ever. 

Your partner lost her privilege of being a role model by her choices and behavior. In fact, she showed what exactly a person shouldn't do while in a relationship and how it devastates the partner and the family.


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## SunCMars

TedFL said:


> Three boys at home. She’s seeing someone. Home life is toxic and I left last night. Thinking about Checking myself in due to idiations. Struggling to find hope.


This is the right place for brainstorming for a better future.


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## jlg07

Ted, get to a lawyer ASAP. Some of what you feel will be better once you have a plan to get out of this toxic relationship. Get your financial info, a plan for custody, etc.. Once you have the plan laid out, it will help you move forward.


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## Sparkles88

I know its really hard right now to think of anything else apart from your pain and the darkness that you feel.

Break things down into small chunk sized pieces don't overwhelm yourself with everything all at once. 

Please ask for help , there is no shame in that! You have left a toxic situation which is good ...now try and plan what you need to do next...baby steps at a time. 

Like others have said, you have your boys there who need their dad... 

You got this!


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## Lapm

You’re doing so much better than you realize. Removing yourself from a toxic environment takes a lot of strength. Reaching out for help takes a lot if strength. It’s very easy to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. 

Call the suicide hotline 800-273-8255, there are professionals who can help. many health insurance plans have EAP, call them. Just remember your not alone. 

know that your children need you. At this moment you may feel that there’s no way you can be there for them, but that feeling will pass.


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## NicoleT

TedFL said:


> Three boys at home. She’s seeing someone. Home life is toxic and I left last night. Thinking about Checking myself in due to idiations. Struggling to find hope.


Ted Im so sorry you are here but you have definitely come to a good place. Keep posting, the folks here are keen to help.


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## northernlights

Ted, how are you doing today? Big hugs!!


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## Chuck71

Ted... can you tell us your backstory.......we're ALL here to help. Let us know how you are currently. We're waiting to hear from you.... promise.


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## TedFL

jlg07 said:


> Ted, get to a lawyer ASAP. Some of what you feel will be better once you have a plan to get out of this toxic relationship. Get your financial info, a plan for custody, etc.. Once you have the plan laid out, it will help you move forward.


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## TedFL

I’m trying so hard. It may be difficult on many levels, but I realized I deserve so much better in life. Yes it hurt, and I did not want to give up on our marriage, but the reality is that its over, and I must move on. Life is far too short and precious to be a victim. I cried many nights into my pillow and I could not sleep for the first few weeks. But now I’m moving on and building MY life again. AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF.


What I’ve written in my journal (to her but not said) over the last week:

Thank you for leaving me because I wasn’t capable of walking away. 

It’s VERY hard to be here and I don’t apologize for that. It’s just how I feel. It’s not the boys it’s you. And it’s already destroyed what is left of our friendship.

I will let go more each day. Kept that to myself but kept repeating in my head. 

My bride is gone - that’s going to be okay someday. And I’ll achieve happiness with my boys.

She is heartless, calculating, and rejoices in annihilating my soul and inflicting pain. She is NOT a friend. We can be a united front - an alliance of sorts - when it comes to raising the kids. That’s it. I just need to convince myself that if she has 50 opportunities to “twist the knife” she will do so 50 times.

I have spoken to a lawyer and that seems to help sever the niceties and I am finally feeling anger, which had been missing. It replaced pity but not the grief. The grief is overwhelming and I am using the wrong approach to cope. How can I still see her and miss her even after all she has done? Saw her this morning handing off the kids and I did what I did last time and quietly cried in the bathroom and washed my face.


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## jlg07

TedFL said:


> How can I still see her and miss her even after all she has done?


You are grieving the IMAGE you had of her -- not her. You are seeing your memories being tarnished by realizing who she REALLY is. It's ok to grieve that. BUT you need to realize (and I think you do), that image was NEVER real -- she was just good at hiding who she really IS.


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## thissucks7788

I'm glad you came here Ted, but so sorry that you are in this situation. I know what you mean about the grief. It felt so painful and unrelenting-- but I will say that it did finally let up for me and it will for you too. It is so strange but I know what you mean about missing them even though they have destroyed the relationship etc... What helped me to separate my thoughts about this (I know this is silly but it helped me)--- because it seems like the guy who was having an EA and lying is not my same husband who I loved for so many years-- I named him something different. So I would say I miss (my husband's name) but I hate (I gave him a rhyming name).

Glad you spoke to a lawyer and now try to keep as busy as possible. I got an additional job, re-connected with some friends and I just signed up for a tennis class (used to love it, but haven't played in years). It has been the most difficult time of my life but I am moving on and through. There are many success stories here about happiness and love on the other side of this and that helps to see that life can go on and still be good.

Also want to add to try to do as little contact with her as possible (just kid or business related). Besides keeping your dignity it will help with the healing process. 

Please keep us posted and sending you a big hug!


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## TedFL

I hit rock bottom last night through morning. I cannot believe there are more tears to cry. More sorrow to feel from those little boys bodies when they say why can’t you stay daddy. I’m done apologizing. I’m done being cordial. I’m done feeling anything. I’m done being pitied. I’m done feeling inferior. I’m done being judged. I’ll just keep repeating to myself that “I’m done enabling you. I’m done protecting you. I’ll just think to myself that I’m done loving you. I’m done with your friendship, trust, and care. Regardless of whatever reasons you quantify, You lied. You cheated. You stole. You manipulated me. So do your worst and be done. I have nowhere to go but up and I don’t plan on staying down here for long.”



jlg07 said:


> You are grieving the IMAGE you had of her -- not her. You are seeing your memories being tarnished by realizing who she REALLY is. It's ok to grieve that. BUT you need to realize (and I think you do), that image was NEVER real -- she was just good at hiding who she really IS.


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## D0nnivain

I'm so sorry you are hurting. It's an awful thing what you are going through. 

Keep on loving your kids. Do be cordial or at least not overtly hostile to their mom because you are teaching them by example. 

Hang in there. Do healthy things to self soothe -- prayer, meditation, exercise, journaling, therapy . . whatever floats your boat.


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## Chuck71

Ted.....have you filed for D yet? And have you exposed the affair to both of your families?

And have you looked to see if her AP is married or living with someone? Most likely, he is.

If so.... inform the APs BS.

Their magical ride will hit a huge bump when they are exposed. Be prepared...


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## gr8ful1

I advise you to tell your boys in an age-appropriate way what their mother has done. It’s important for them to know they are not the cause of you leaving.


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## jlg07

Get to a lawyer ASAP. You left the house and that could be used against you.
Keep a Voice recorder going EVERY SINGLE TIME you speak with her.

Also, you are grieving and THAT IS OK!!!!! You will be on the emotional roller coaster for quite a while, but it will get better. Make sure to take care of yourself (no drinking, get sleep, eat right, and exercise -- that will help with your stress levels).


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## northernlights

I know your pain. I cried every day for weeks after xH announced he was leaving. It hurt so bad. But one day, and i dont even know when, i didn't cry. And I feel so much better.

The sertraline helps too! See your doctor for a consult. Antidepressants can be used on a short-term, acute basis, and they canbe lifesavers.


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## Peering_Within

Ted, please stay safe and care for yourself. I have worked in mental health for years, been deeply depressed and suicidal myself and I can say it does get better. Slowly, but it is worth it. I am so sorry you are hurting now. 

I knew a man (who was so kind) that committed suicide at a previous work. I do not know what he went through that was so painful that he wanted it to end that badly. I did see his family (teenage child) at the memorial, and I know it must have been hard for her and likely still is. Please think of them you would leave behind. Don't leave them alone in this world. Love.


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