# Newly Seperated but hopeful



## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Hi all,
I’m brand new here and to this sort of group in general. I really need some support and advice, I didn’t know if I should create a new thread or what. 

My wife and I (31 and 30 years old) have been together for about 6 years, 4+ years dating and 18 months of marriage. She is from out west and I am from the east coast. She suffers from depression but has usually had a handle on it and I was able to help her in the past. We both struggled over her depression but I struggled in secret never talking about it so she felt like she dealt with it on her own. I tried to be there and tell her everything would be fine but never told her how I was feeling about any of it. Fast forward 3 years and we got married. Fast forward a year and a half and she came home one day and wanted to separate. To me it was out of the blue, we never discussed separating or that she was this unhappy or anything. It feels like she made a rash decision but she's so stubborn she's stuck with it.

•	We sometimes get on each other’s nerves but we don’t really fight. 
•	She said she has been feeling this way a long time, before we were married. She said we shouldn't have gotten married. (This hurt, I felt like we were really happy. I don’t think you could fake it as well as we were together). 
•	She said it was really difficult for her to “take care of me”. (There is truth here. She did a lot of the cooking and cleaning but I felt I helped with other things. This was something we had fights about, a valid concern but I don’t think a reason for divorce). 
•	She said she was very homesick and wanted to move home. (She’s always been homesick and I always knew we’d move out west. I am ok with that and told her but now she says she doesn’t want me to go, she’s told others that eventually I’ll resent her for it if I went). 
•	She mentioned I get out of control when drunk as a reason. (Again, I guess some truth here. Never ever violence or abuse or anything but we’ve verbally fought when we are both drinking. I never thought I had a problem and still don’t really think I do. I’ll be drunk only a few times a year like after the superbowl or on my birthday. Otherwise it’s a beer with dinner or >5 over an entire night out. In discussing that with others everyone said yes that same thing has come up with their spouses and it's normal almost). 

I try to talk to her but she says she knows in her heart we won’t be together forever (which hurts me). So she says I can leave or she will but she doesn’t have anywhere to go so I said I would. I was still thinking this is just small and she won’t talk so there is no long discussion but she cries the entire time I pack some things and leave. I said we should do counseling and she said no. I said we can work everything out and she said stop saying “we”. I called her every couple days to try and work it out and she always says no. I saw her to pick up some things and she cried every time. I met her to watch our dog and she cried. She took off her wedding ring and removed every photo of me or us from the apartment. She blocked me on all social media. She hasn’t called me once since the separation and only emailed for logistical things but it’s like a robot is writing them, cold and informational only. The last time I saw her I just smiled, said she looked great, gave her back the dog, said thanks for letting me have him for a visit, asked if she was alright and left. She was very visibly not alright, she shook her head she was alright but I could tell she was struggling and I think I had a more up beat demeanor during the exchange. (I don't like to see my wife upset even now but it made me feel good to know she's not just over me and gone). 

I’ve never begged her but I spent the first month calling and trying to get her to work with me and talk about everything. Her mother called me and couldn’t understand why she wanted this. All her friends and family don’t get it and think she is making a mistake but are otherwise supportive (as friends and family should be). Nobody knows what she's thinking but her. 

I checked her email and found like a note she was writing. It indicated there is some other guy but nothing direct, no name and it was a note to herself not anyone else. She has repeatedly said there is nobody else to me and tells all our mutual friends the same (so far as they tell me). I believe her (because I want to and it isn’t definite) but my counselor seems skeptical. 

We aren’t angry at least outwardly to each other. She never contacts me so she can get over me and I’m starting to not contact her as I realize I can’t talk her into staying or working on it. In her mind we are done but neither of us has done anything legal. In our state you need to be separated for a year before divorce. She never uses the word but that’s where she thinks we are leading and she isn’t interested in saving the marriage. 

I’m working on getting out and keeping occupied, seeing friends. My hope for reconciliation is keeping me in a painful limbo but I want my wife back more than anything. I am aware that might not happen and I logically know we may divorce. I am not going to file papers, I am not going to get an attorney, I am not taking any step further down this path that I don’t want to be on. I already get enough advice on divorce. I will respond accordingly if I'm served or she gets an attorney or anything.

What I want and emotionally need is advice from anyone having been through something similar. Were you able to reconcile? How did you turn things around, etc?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

COG,

Sorry you are here. 

You need to find out if there is a POSOM. Everything points to it. The answer to that will define how you need to proceed.

What are you doing about finances? Do both of you work? Who is paying for what?

What exactly are your current living arrangements?

Before anyone else asks you, you might as well tell us about yours and your W's childhood.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Hi Tron,
Thanks for taking the time to help me out. 

What is a POSOM? (Another guy?)

I don't know how to tell if there is another guy or not. I asked her directly and she didn't get defensive or anything. She was so busy with work and school the last few months I don't know when she could have had an affair. Maybe it was mostly or started online? She never didn't come home when I would have expected or anything but often went out with friends. I never suspected except the note I saw after the split. 

We both work. She is in our apartment and paying all the bills there. First thing she did was split off our family cell phone plan (which feeds into the other guy thing I guess). She's paying all the bills there herself, cable, internet, electric, gas, etc. We are splitting apart health insurance after this month. 

I left our apartment (in DC) and went about 40 miles north to Baltimore to stay with my parents (hoping it was short term). I'm completely capable financially and can get my own apartment when I'm emotionally able. 


She never indicates she had a really bad childhood. Her parents are together. She told me her parents had alcohol problems and it was tough but nothing traumatic that she's shared. Knowing her parents now I wouldn't have suspected. They are very close now. When we visit it is always a holiday or celebration just cause she's home so they do drink often and all night. She'll tell me how they stay up till 5am and that her uncle will fall through the wall in someones house or her dad puked in the yard or something like it's funny. I am not at that level and can't keep up when we visit. (That's kind of why I don't get her telling me my drinking was an issue at all, I'm like a lower end social drinker but if I accidentally get too drunk I want to keep on drinking but again, never violent or angry or anything. At the point she left we hadn't been out where we were drinking in weeks, since my birthday earlier in the month and not for months before that). Her parents were hard on her achievement wise. She said they always expected straight A's and good performance in sports, etc. It did give her a bit of a complex of never being good enough but I always combated that and told her she was a good wife, student, employee, etc. I always supported her. She said they were always way easier on her brother who is about 5 years younger.

Since I don't know, what would you be advising if the were with another guy and what would you be advising if she weren't?

Thanks again.


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## BetrayedNoMore (Mar 13, 2013)

Sounds like you need to start the 180 and let the chips fall.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

BetrayedNoMore said:


> Sounds like you need to start the 180 and let the chips fall.


I want to help with cooking and cleaning more, I want to be more open emotionally with her and communicate better but I need a home to keep clean and a wife to talk to. 

How can I show her change when she has no contact with me? Can I do anything to bridge the gap even a little?


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## zappy882000. (May 23, 2013)

Brother - The best approach, like somebody mentioned in their thread is:-

"Give the Defiant what they want"

You are not wrong anywhere as it seems.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Im sorry to see that you are here. If she isnt willing to talk to you, it would be hard to fix anything between the two of you. I would recommend giving her the space she's asking for. If you continue to keep trying, it will only push her away more. Try to do more stuff for yourself in this time. Put yourself first. Thats something that I realized I had to do for myself through all this. It helped me A LOT.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

POSOM = Piece Of $hit Other Man

Yes, the note on the computer and the phone bill thing are red flags. Before you left, did she always keep her phone close to her...was she very protective of it? What about computer or tablet use? Late at night?

Alcoholism, high expectations, depression would normally indicate some mental health issues, some possibly going back to childhood. 

Abrupt separation, being a student, going out at night with "friends" makes an OM definitely possible. And if it hadn't gone physical by the time you moved out it probably has by now. By the way, cheaters lie...so don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth.

If so, would you want her back? 

Normally if there is an OM and you want to get her back, you should do a 180 and expose the A. To expose, you obviously have to get the details on the A and the OM or you are going to look like a lunatic. 
Here is info on the 180: The Healing Heart: The 180


I am not recommending D, but you have only been married a short time and should still be in your "honeymoon" phase. Things don't sound like they were all that great. 

You don't sound like you were a bad guy, but everyone tries to sugar coat things. Do you have any anger issues, drug issues, "emotionally unavailable", codependent, jealous, controlling, OCD? What did she say was wrong with you or the marriage?


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

She never hid her phone, she left it laying everywhere. She works on a laptop for school and work so I don't know but I didn't suspect. It is completely out of character for the woman I married and I never doubted her or suspected her. 

She does have issues with depression and told me she contemplated suicide years ago before I met her. 

I don't know if it is pathetic or not but yes, even if there were an affair I do want her back. Obviously not to be walked all over but if we could rebuild trust. 

Maybe emotionally unavailable, I usually bottle things up. I'm working on it and going to my counselor (only because of the separation but this came up). I'm really looking for help so I'm not trying to sugar coat anything. I realistically think the drinking was social and not a big thing and I acknowledge I she did most of the cooking and cleaning, I took her for granted and I need to fix that.

According to her she's just not happy with me/the marriage. It's too much work to take care of me. She feels like she has to look out for me especially when drinking. 

My biggest hurdle is understanding. She's told all our mutual friends I was a good man and good husband. She told them all the same few reasons she gave me and they just don't seem divorce worthy. I have things I can work on for sure but I didn't see this coming. The affair is the only thing I can think of, that now she met and wants to be with some other guy. He listened to her and I bottled things up or something.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> I want to help with cooking and cleaning more,


You seriously think that's going to make you more attractive to her?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

CoG2....sorry you are going through this...but yeah her "sudden" runs somewhat in line with an affair. Do the 180 like someone posted above. It may feel counter intuitive for you to back off and set boundaries, but the longer you crowd her, beg her, try to cajole her into changing her mind...the more repulsed she will feel to run away...as these are not respect builders and it just give her all the more empowerment to do what she is doing.
Right now all you can do is work on yourself...and I would suggest really doing some self-analysis on your alcohol use, cos that certainly could have contributed to your not seeing the signs that your wife was severing ties. It may not have all been depression...it could have been mourning. My wife cried inexplicably for days...but it was actually because she has worked up to the decision to finally leave me to continue a relationship with OM.
I, too, agree with the other poster that mentioned that you cannot trust her words presently...my wife had expertly lied and covered up her secrecy...and blew up and acted all offended when I tried to confront some of her behaviors...trying to make me feel like a douche to back me off of the truth.
So next time she contacts you (cos YOU ARENT CONTACTING HER) keep it quick and business only. no "i love yous or i miss yous". If you do need to call about something business related, state your intentions, say you only have a minute, exhange info, then say ok, that was it, thank you...but sound like you are the happiest sunofagun...not crazy happy. if she sounds pissy or anything, ignore it. she may later start texting you or calling you saying rude ****..or saying random things that show she is confused...if she does that DO NOT get sucked in...she is just testing boundaries. Hold to your boundaries..and if she starts to ever press or question the possibility of returning, then say as long as she is playing games here, then there is nothing to talk about. you only want to talk if she is ready to be real and cut the bs.

o, and yeah, don't do a damn thing for her.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You seriously think that's going to make you more attractive to her?


Not really, I saw that as minor. More helpful and communicative in general maybe. I'm just trying to respond to the only reasons she gave me. I don't know what specific actions to correct.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> You seriously think that's going to make you more attractive to her?


You know, I'm coming discover, like so many things we talk about here, that it's not so much the actual act of a guy cooking cleaning that's attractive or not... It's HOW the guy goes about cooking and cleaning.

A man can be "Alpha" about cooking and cleaning, instead of being wimpily codependent about it... And that can and will make it attractive to many women.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> You know, I'm coming discover, like so many things we talk about here, that it's not so much the actual act of a guy cooking cleaning that's attractive or not... It's HOW the guy goes about cooking and cleaning.
> 
> A man can be "Alpha" about cooking and cleaning, instead of being wimpily codependent about it... And that can and will make it attractive to many women.


I couldn't agree more.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

That sounds like good advice CoG2. I've gotten a lot of it before but you laid it out in an easy to digest plan. 

I took her being sad seeing me get things and meeting her as she regretted it all but it could be anything. I'm sticking with not contacting her. 



FormerSelf said:


> o, and yeah, don't do a damn thing for her.


Is this because you think anything she asks of me is just to take advantage of me or to show her what it would be like to be divorced from me or what?

Thanks for some good advice and taking the time to help me decode all this. It's all new to me.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> Is this because you think anything she asks of me is just to take advantage of me or to show her what it would be like to be divorced from me or what?
> .


She needs to see that you won't be there to bail her out anymore.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> Is this because you think anything she asks of me is just to take advantage of me or to show her what it would be like to be divorced from me or what?


It's because you need top STOP taking responsibility for her and her decisions and problems, and you need to START taking responsibility for yourself and your own choices and mistakes.

She needs to do the same thing, but won't so long as you are always there to clean up her messes for her.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Agreed. I haven't done anything for her. She has our dog and I asked to have him a week but it was for me not her. 

She did say she had to travel for work a few weeks ago and asked if I wanted him which I told her I did. Now I can't back out without breaking no contact. 

Previously I had thought it would be a good opportunity to try building the relationship plus I miss my dog so I agreed. Would the general consensus be to cancel and make her figure something else out? (I hate to use my dog as a pawn like that. Her dog now I guess).


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> Maybe emotionally unavailable, I usually bottle things up. I'm working on it and going to my counselor (only because of the separation but this came up). I'm really looking for help so I'm not trying to sugar coat anything. I realistically think the drinking was social and not a big thing and I acknowledge I she did most of the cooking and cleaning, I took her for granted and I need to fix that.
> 
> My biggest hurdle is understanding. She's told all our mutual friends I was a good man and good husband. She told them all the same few reasons she gave me and they just don't seem divorce worthy. I have things I can work on for sure but I didn't see this coming. The affair is the only thing I can think of, that now she met and wants to be with some other guy. He listened to her and I bottled things up or something.


You have to admit that her excuses are pretty damn weak. There has to be something else going on. Find out. Go do some reading on the Coping With Infidelity forum and get some tools. Start here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...thing-may-having-affair-really-need-help.html
or here:http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/67467-suspect-wife-having-affair.html




CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> I don't know if it is pathetic or not but yes, even if there were an affair I do want her back. Obviously not to be walked all over but if we could rebuild trust.


Not pathetic, but if she is cheating on you and you somehow manage to R, I hope you understand what you are signing on for. It is a difficult thing to get over.

You are still young and coming into prime male age...you have no kids and this hasn't been a long marriage. Now would be a perfect time to get out and find someone new...someone better.


As far as your dog, I wouldn't use him/her as a pawn, but don't contact her about it. Let her contact you and if you want time with your dog, take time with your dog. If not, then she will have to find a kennel. 

Continue to limit contact to a bare minimum, business at hand only, and preferably by text or email. As far as her texts or emails, unless they deal with important business ignore them. Phone calls...let them roll to voicemail. If you ever have to talk to her make it short. "I'm cooking a ******* dinner for my folks/friends...gotta go." 

As far as her asking you to do things for her, don't do squat. 

She fired you as her H. You aren't there for her anymore.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Solid logic Tron. 

It felt like it's been a week or two so I thought I'd post an update when I looked and it's only been 3 days.

I can't tell if I'm staying strong or she is. I haven't contacted her at all and she hasn't contacted me. (9 days now). I'm really struggling but she is probably fine because she has her affair partner.

Has anyone been through my same situation before?

*For those that have reconciled, did you want it the entire time or did you have to give up hope for that first?*

*The uncertainty is an issue for me, I switch sides every hour. Do I just file for divorce on the grounds of adultery or wait it out at least the 12 months of separation required (if neither claims adultery) to see if she'll come around?* _I do want to reconcile._

It just feels like I'll never stop feeling sense of loss. Every hour feels like a day or a week. It seems so long ago we were together but we have only been separated 6 weeks.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Man, it's kinda hard to say. In my scenario my wife insisted on going dark when she was being wayward...but she was always texting me...but it was her way of cake eating 'cos she relied heavily on me for advice and guidance throughout our years of marriage. But when I stopped taking her calls...she started up the ol' "two can play at that game" attitude even though she was purposely ignoring have of my communications. If your wife has a lot of pride, then she is going to hold out from calling. Yes, it my be because the ties have been completely severed...or it could also mean she is trying to maintain her pride. My wife held out until she was near-suicidal...finally cracking, where she wanted me back...and I said then she needed to stop the acting out behavior, get help for sex addiction (counselor AND 12-step), then we can start a conversation about getting back together.
I was a dufus, 'cos all she did was menially do those things while went deep underground with her behaviors. And I moved back in spite of the fact that I knew that I, MYSELF wasn't ready...and it wasn't too long that we were back in the same place.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Haven't seen this mentioned yet...
BUT..
Your original post did do quite a bit of defending your drinking. How much, when, and that it's normal. 

Vague reference to her parents having drinking problems.

Be honest with yourself. There is no normal when it comes to drinking. If it is causing issues in your marriage, it is a problem. Maybe not for you... but for her. 

If you don't have a problem, then quit. Right now. You wont' miss it. 

Only way to tell if it's affecting who you are, and how you are behaving. Then focus more on what the role of husband is. Think about it. Honestly. 

Hopefully it's not too late. But it might be.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Drinking, I'd quit having any at all right now if that was it. I guess I was little defensive. 

I think the more important thing is the email I found indicating she was having an affair, though it didn't say with who or any details so I can't be sure. 

I'm trying to turn myself around and just haven't been able to show her because we've had no contact. She just emailed me to trade the dog so I could have him while she's out of town. I love the dog and want to have him anyway but was considering telling her no because I didn't want to see her or do anything for her but now I want to just so she can see me and hopefully some of my changes.

I'm going to watch the dog and hope that when she sees me she sees I'm looking fit, I'll have to fake it but I'll act like I don't care we're apart and I'm doing OK. 

Any glaring holes in my plan that I can't see? (I still can't get it out of my head that we can reconcile so I might be blinding myself). Should I be nice but short or should I try engaging her in conversation?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> Drinking, I'd quit having any at all right now if that was it. I guess I was little defensive.
> 
> I think the more important thing is the email I found indicating she was having an affair, though it didn't say with who or any details so I can't be sure.
> 
> ...


If you are fit and have the 6-pack abs going, show up at the door without your shirt on fresh from a workout, be on the phone making a dinner date, happy as a lark, take the dog and shut the door. No discussion, no nothing. 

As for the drinking. If this has been a concern of hers, why don't you try and cut it out of your life for a while (try 2 weeks as a start) and see how you feel. It is a depressant...and it seems you have enough of that right now. If you can't do that...then let's talk some more about it.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Tron said:


> If you are fit and have the 6-pack abs going, show up at the door without your shirt on fresh from a workout, be on the phone making a dinner date, happy as a lark, take the dog and shut the door. No discussion, no nothing.


Ok, then all that is my plan. I work out daily now and look to be in much better shape (not that I was bad before). All I have to do is talk my self into and out of this until Friday when I am picking up the dog and hopefully land on following through. 

(I'm going to follow this more figuratively, I don't think I'll show up shirtless). 



Tron said:


> why don't you try and cut it out of your life for a while (try 2 weeks as a start) and see how you feel.


I'll do this too.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Sooooo..

My wife emailed me about the dog exchange and included a few bits of news about what she's up to. It wasn't, "I want to save our marriage" but maybe it was reaching out?

I was doing no contact but I don't want to pass up an opportunity to re-engage her to start building our relationship back. Should I email her back in kind or just respond minimally with the facts about she should bring the dog? 

Tron, I need your advice..


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

NO. Do not engage. You have been trying to engage her for weeks and it has gotten you nothing but rejection. The snippets of news are to just to keep you on a string. Ignore them. 

When she wants you back she will let you know.

Tell her when you will be home for dog exchange. Give her a short window that you think she can meet. 

BTW, you have already made plans for tonight. Got it? Now go make some.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

So I got the dog Friday. We met and she hugged me and gave me some mail, etc. She asked if I was ok and I said I was good. 

Today (Sunday) I thought our interaction was positive and I hadn't heard from her so to feel close to her I logged into her email again which was a mistake. 

I saw a flight confirmation for her to travel to Mexico. She had originally told me she was traveling for work and told everyone else she was going home. So I read up on all the "Exposing Affairs" threads and was heading to do it. 

I called her best friend and started talking assuming she knew and she played dumb. I then formulated an email to my wife telling her I knew and we were done and that I had an attorney and I was going to tell everyone, etc. I yelled and then calmed down, etc. 

She finally admitted that yes, she is seeing someone else but said they didn't get together until after her and I had separated which I yelled back at her it was a lie. I said I know you must have been emailing him and planning to do this for months. She accused me of hacking into her email. I said she was cheating and having an affair and she didn't think she'd done anything wrong. I told her I was going to tell her parents and friends and boss and she flipped out saying it was between her and I and I should take it up with her. I told her I'd been trying but she was lying to me for two months. She said her parents don't even like me (lie) and what did I hope to get out of it. 

So she's now admitted to being with this other guy and gave me some minor details about where he's from and said his wife had passed away, etc. I told her I had a lawyer and we were getting a divorce and I was saying she was having an affair to get it through quicker. 

The thing is, in my heart I still want her back. I just want her to snap out of this. I said I wouldn't call her parents since it was fathers day but she had better because I would tomorrow. 

Should I call them, tell them, tell her family and friends? Should I just give up and not tell anyone but divorce? I still want her but she needs to snap out of this.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If your goal is to ultimately try to R then you need to expose. And don't tell her, who, how and when, just do it.

You do it this way because if you don't, you give her the opportunity to rewrite your marital history and paint you in a bad light.

For example, "he was abusive, he was drunk all the time, etc. blah, blah, blah."


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Tron,
I called her mother who was shocked to learn about this other man. When I talked to my wife she said POSOM knew her family, was a widower, and was from their (small) town but her mother didn't know anyone who matched those conditions so maybe she was lying about his wife's death and he's married or something. 

She was very kind to me, saying her heart breaks for me and how she never believed in cheating because her father had cheated on her mother (wife's grandparents, and my wife knows about all that), etc. She said she was going to talk to my wife and find out what's going on but also said stuff like "maybe she just told you that" so I can tell a part of her doesn't want to believe it. 

I understand telling her family and I see how exposure would help end an affair but I'm struggling to tell her friends. I think they'll support her anyway (though they like me and would tell her she's wrong) and I just don't see how she can overcome that to R with me. I feel like exposure to her friends would just get in the way. Should I give some time to her family to work on her?

How does it work, I tell all her friends and she feels betrayed, ironically, but how does she get from betrayed to thankful I did it?

My exposure letter draft, started from a sample on another TAM thread. Do you think this will be effective? Calm, non-threatening, non-blaming, etc?

_
XXXXX,
I am writing to let you know that [Wife] has been having an emotional turned physical affair with another man. I hope you will let [Wife] know that you support us resolving any issues in our marriage without the intervention of someone else.

[Wife] has been hiding this for 6 months or more and has finally admitted she is with a man from her home town. I love [Wife] and I want her to make decisions she won't regret once the fantasy of this affair fades and she's left with the reality of what an affair does to the people involved like her friends and family. Please help her (and us) by urging her to do the right thing and end her affair so she and I can rebuild our marriage. 

I know I am also to blame for the issues in our marriage and this can happen to anyone. We both know [Wife] and this isn't like her, she is not a bad person but we do need your help. I don't know what will happen between her and I but I know there is enough love between us to overcome anything. Please reach out to her and help her realize that what she feels for him is likely not real.

I know she values your opinion and I hope you will urge her to do the right thing. At the very least she can look at our marriage honestly without having the allure of this man waiting in the wings. 

Feel free to contact me if you need or want to talk. 

YYYYY
123-456-7890
_


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

So I disclosed to her Mom two days ago and exposed to a couple friends yesterday but I haven't heard anything back. 

What should I expect? No reaction? Weeks? Do some friends you expose to just ignore it?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I wouldn't expect a lot of response honestly. 

Making it public makes it less "exciting". Now it's real and everyone knows she is a cheater. Relationships with OM rarely last. If you want her back you may just have to wait it out a while. 

Either way continue with the 180 and get yourself in a good place. Focus on work and going to the gym. And prepare yourself for D. Put yourself out there, reconnect with old friends and old hobbies.

Where do you live? The divorce laws of each state, ex. waiting periods, adultery, division of assets etc. can vary, so you might look into the rules of handling it yourself versus getting a lawyer to handle it for you. If you don't have kids or a lot of assets you may be able to handle a lot yourself. Otherwise you may need to set up a consult with a lawyer or two.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

I was riding the high of exposing and thinking there would be progress and I'd hit her with papers and she'd immediately want to reconcile, etc, etc so I contacted an few attorneys to get an idea of cost for divorce. I also looked at doing it myself. I'm 80% I don't want to and it would just be a tactic to force reconciliation (or at least end my limbo). 20% of the time I'm thinking, just go ahead and divorce her and start over. 

Our state requires 12 months of separation but you can file immediately if there is infidelity. No kids, no significant assets. I don't know if she would contest it or be happy I'm moving forward. She just can't herself because I haven't cheated on her. If she could, maybe she'd file. I have no idea where her head is. 

Her mom was on my side and I called her brother and he was too, he said he had really argued with her originally (before we knew about the affair) that she should be working it out with me. That's when she gave her weak reasons like I was too hard to take care of. I don't know what he thinks now with her affair but I asked him to call her and tell her what she has with this guy isn't real. 

Also, her home town is small and her description:
1. "I've known him longer than I've known you, my family knows him and likes him".
2. "His wife passed away".

nobody knew who he was from this so she was probably lying about one or the other or both. 

(20-30% of the day I feel Ok, the rest of the time I just want her back despite it all).


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Don't believe a word she says. Cheaters lie.

I am all for R, but sometimes it isn't the wise thing to do. 

You truly don't have much history with your WW, no kids, no assets, nothing to tie you down or keep you from moving on. You guys haven't been married 18 months and she is already cheating on you??? She suffers from depression. She doesn't like taking care of you. Would she like taking care of kids, or would you be stuck taking care of them and her? She doesn't sound like good LT marriage material and all this doesn't bode well for your future if you reconcile.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

I'm not exactly anti-divorce for religious reasons or in general but I married her for life (I've always felt). 

Before this, dating 4.5 years and the first year of marriage, we were great. I've been thinking all the cliche stuff, "this isn't like her", "this isn't the woman I married", "she wouldn't do this", etc, and it's true. I just can't reconcile who she was for 5.5 years of good against the cheating and separation, it's like split personality or something.

Right now it isn't up to me, I'll proceed as if we are divorcing but I'll take my time doing it. If she wants to reconcile we have a lot of work to do. I'm sure the longer this goes on the more inclined I'll be to give it up. 

I appreciate all the help Tron. I'm sure trouble letting go is common, I'll get there.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> Right now it isn't up to me, I'll proceed as if we are divorcing but I'll take my time doing it. If she wants to reconcile we have a lot of work to do. I'm sure the longer this goes on the more inclined I'll be to give it up.
> 
> I appreciate all the help Tron. I'm sure trouble letting go is common, I'll get there.


NP. Spend some time reading some other threads here and on CWI. Spend some time on the longer ones and you will learn a lot about the process, both external and internal. 

Noone ever had trouble letting go around here. 

BTW, you will get there when you are ready. Some folks take longer than others.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Well friends. I dropped my dog off and I don't think I pulled off the "I'm totally happy and fine" routine that great. I told her I wanted a few things from the apartment. At the end I told her either "I hope this is what you want?" or "Is this really what you want?" (I can't remember my phrasing). 

She put her head down on the dog hugging him and stayed there for 20 seconds or so. I don't know if she was crying or what, she was just silent so I left and closed the door behind me. 


Feeling very down I did a bit more snooping and found that she may have met this guy through work. I don't know what to do now though. He's on the board of one of a company that her's works with. I don't have any evidence though. What should I do here? Call his company? (I just found his name and address but nothing referencing the affair. I'd estimate I have 70% certainty). 

I kind of feel like exposing it now after 2 months of separation just comes off as desperate. Like she already made her choice and I'm just trying to ruin it for her. Should I call or email this guy? My wife just gave me blow off reasons we were separating and didn't admit the affair immediately so I still don't know what left us vulnerable to this. I have a lot of questions and I can't ask her. Is it sick to call him and ask them?

P.S. on my D-day she said the guy was from her home town and a widower. If this is the guy then at least one of those is false. since he's not from her town.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Unrelated post. I made myself an online dating profile and didn't really want to date anyone as I'm not really ready but I was just scrolling through pictures. 

Someone messaged me and it said they were from the westcoast (and I'm on the eastcoast) so I took it as non-threatening, I didn't think it was likely they'd want to meet in person and maybe I could just talk to them online for a while, just someone to get to know and fill the time. 

Turns out they just recently moved back to my area and they asked to meet for dinner. I went and I thought I was a good date outwardly but I was thinking about my estranged wife the entire time. knowing I was going to see her the next day, wondering what I would say, what she would say, etc. Made me realize I'm still a wreck. I'm not even as far along as I told Tron I was last week. 

She was a nice girl but I can't sit across from her without thinking about my wayward wife.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

Update: 

Yesterday when I exchanged the dog wife tells me her family is scared I'll hurt her and makes sure I won't do that. I told her that I could never hurt her and no matter how crushed I was I wouldn't do anything to harm her. 

I called her Mom again and said, "I hope that isn't the impression you got from our conversation. I love her and wouldn't ever harm her. I do want that guy away from her but I'd never do anything to physically harm her. 

I got a call and message from Wife that I missed. 

_"Please stop calling my parents to 'tell on me'. What do you think you're getting out of it? I've been on my own and taking care of myself since I was 17. Since the last time my mom beat me so bad XX and YY stepped in. Since she told me I was a worthless loser. Since she hoped the next time I tried to hurt myself it worked. Ultimately I don't owe them anything or care what they think. I'm a survivor and I'll continue to try to be no matter what you try and do to me. I already told you I'd give you anything you want. What more can I do?"_

I never knew any of this stuff about her. What should I do about this message? Ignore it? It feels a little like she's imploding but maybe she's just mad at me and it's nothing but going to make him and her stronger? I don't know.

Is this normal/common after exposure?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'd ask if she doesn't care what they think, why is she so upset with you for talking to them about what she's done and exposing all the lies she's been telling.

And I don't think there's a "normal" response it really just depends on the situation. To me that's probably normal. You're threatening her fantasy and clearing up a bit of the fog. If you're trying to save your marriage, I'd expose far and wide. If you're pretty sure you're on your way out the door, I'd expose to family the OMW/girlfriend if there is one and file.

Honestly your wife sounds pretty checked out. If you pursue her, come off as needy, come off as desperate, jump at the first reconciliation offer/talk, etc all you're going to do is drive her away even more or set yourself up for a false R. Which is really why I think, men especially, should 

1. Expose to family and friends
2. Go Dark as much as possible 
3. File for divorce (you do not need to warn her or tell her what your plans/intentions are, which she'll just run back and tell the OM to scheme around you)
4. Focus on yourself in the meantime 

To me that's a pretty good cookie-cutter outline of the steps taken to end an affair and get a spouse to at the very least realize that they made a mistake even if it doesn't get them to come back.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> Update:
> 
> Yesterday when I exchanged the dog wife tells me her family is scared I'll hurt her and makes sure I won't do that. I told her that I could never hurt her and no matter how crushed I was I wouldn't do anything to harm her.
> 
> ...


Ask her to give you back the wasted years she spent deceiving you


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

I just wrote back "Maybe if you had told me any of this I could have been there for you all along." 

I ignored the rest of her message about not contacting her family, though I don't have any need to anymore.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

COG2,

I just read your thread. In my opinion, you need to let her go. 

As hard as that sounds, you must do it. 

Do not communicate with her at all! 

If you can get proof that her affair is work related then expose. When she gets mad, don't respond. You have no reason to talk to her. 

The 180 was made for situations like yours.


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## CaughtOffGuard2 (Jun 4, 2013)

180 to make me a better person or a 180 to show her she what she left and that she should come back?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> 180 to make me a better person or a 180 to show her she what she left and that she should come back?


The 180 is all about you and bettering yourself. So you can get to a point where you aren't pining over the idea of her coming back and recover emotionally from what you've been going through. It's not about her in the slightest.

And I agree with GutPunch you need to stop talking to her period.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

CaughtOffGuard2 said:


> 180 to make me a better person or a 180 to show her she what she left and that she should come back?


Just for you, to help you detach and move on and also for self improvement.
Just a few times it have the byside effect you - let's face it - you are expecting.
In your case it seems there's no way back, she's totally gone. Let her go, at your heart, give up. There's someone out there for you.


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