# lost



## hurting1600 (Jul 30, 2012)

Axing up. I am hurting so bad. Confused and don't know what to do.oI am 50, married for 18 years and just found out about supposed EA. However in the last month of absolute misery the story has moved from just a flirt thing to a didn't wear panties but nothing happened 1 year relationship. When does it stop. How much pain can a man take. My last 2 marriages were filled with affairs. 1 with my father. I cant believe her yet and it has been a over a month of crying. Due to circumstances we live 6 hours apart. See each other on weekend. We have had several very special Times in the months leading up to day. At least I thought they were. I am lost, confused and hurting. HELP!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am so sorry you are her and are going through this. Would you give a little more back story. It sounds to me that 
a) your wife is trickle truthing you. She is only giving you the whole story bit by bit. You should confront her and try to make her tell you everything.
b) Space right now your WW is way too far away from you. I really don't think her affair is over. I think that she is probably six hours away and still seeing the OM.
You need to go dark and start gathering irrefutable evidence. Check her email accounts, phone records, and all of that. 

There is no way that a one year relationship with no panties didn't involve a lot of sex. You deserve the truth so start looking for it. I know it is hard now with the shock of what's going on. I think you need to read NO MORE MR NICE GUY and man up. Also in the cwi newbie thread there is a link to the 180. Go read, prepare for war and above all do what you need to do to be happy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

CAlm down and breath, many here have gone throught the same crap and dude, you will get through it!

Right now don't make any split dicisions , take some time off and clear your head. Go see a doctor and get some meds, look after your self and eat.

Just a few days of time off and no contact with WW (wayward wife) will help you clear your head and get you thinking *better*...

Then you can come up with a game plan...but you need the time away.

Stay confident and never beg for the marriage, never cry infront of WW and be willing to let her go if it continues.

Has she shown any signs of remorse?

Is this a deal breaker or are you willing to work it out?


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## hurting1600 (Jul 30, 2012)

The other guy is even further away. I have checked home and work emails and phone. I agree I think she is ft me. The question if when do you get to stop searching? When do you know this is the last new truth?


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

When you put your foot down, stand up for yourself, and leave her behind. 

She'll either tell you everything and start over fresh, or continue lying to save face.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> However in the last month of absolute misery the story has moved from just a flirt thing to a didn't wear panties but nothing happened 1 year relationship


You are a man, do you think you would be able to sustain an *one year* (emotional) *relationship* (where the woman you are attached to claims to wear no panties) *without having sex* with her? That's your answer. 
Tell her stop torturing you with that slow dead. Tell her to gain some dignity back by disclosing truthfully her failure, tell him respect you enough by giving you the truth, this is no love, it's manipulation. Tell her to come clean once for all, that every lie make her smaller at your (and her own) eyes. Tell her she's to write down the basic story of the affair(s); who, when, what, where, how and then fill it with some explanation on how started and developed. Tell her she's to back up the disclosure with a polygraph.
Sometimes the Joseph's Letter makes the deal. Rewrite it to make it yours.

Has she ever send the NC letter? Has you access to the affair tools (phone bill and code, passwords..), is she acountable of her whereabouts?

Sorry man. Keep readin, keep posting.
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

hurting1600 said:


> When do you know this is the last new truth?


When you find an answer to this - enlighten every betrayed spouse.


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## hurting1600 (Jul 30, 2012)

Supposed there was nothing but work talk except for 2 occasions. 1 last August. ( just dance) then in March another meeting at a conference with about an hour of personal talk. No declarations of love. I know that sounds like a load of craps to me too. There have definitely been only 2 out of town conferences. Of course she could meet him anytime. You know I have not cried since I was 12. Now I cant stop. We have several young teen children. They are with her during school. We meet on weekends mostly. I guess I need to get opinions and experiences. Since even looking back I had no clue, obviously my bull craps filter isn't working.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hurting...I totally understand where you are, man. My Dday was 3/6 and it still rips me up some days.

The hardest part is knowing...just knowing that you will simply NOT get the truth until months later is crushing. The waywards always say you know "everything". Until something else is uncovered.

Then you know "everything".

Rinse and repeat ad nauseum.

The only thing you can do is read up on the 180 - something I did NOT know about during those precious initial days/weeks. However, I did institute some of the ideas to aid me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Marriages are already very hard to keep at good shape with distance without infidelity in the mix. JMO but once infidelity in there the chances to rebuild the marriage are very slim.

I'm sorry man.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

hurting1600 said:


> The question if when do you get to stop searching? When do you know this is the last new truth?





SomedayDig said:


> When you find an answer to this - enlighten every betrayed spouse.





SomedayDig said:


> The hardest part is knowing...just knowing that you will simply NOT get the truth until months later is crushing. The waywards always say you know "everything". Until something else is uncovered.
> 
> Then you know "everything".
> 
> Rinse and repeat ad nauseum.


Okay, I was going to answer this on Dig's thread, but I am sure that he and Regret are probably tired of all of my "insight." So, I will try to answer both of you and any other BS who is reading this thread with some examples of my own "Trickle Truth" and the reasons behind it. 

I think Dig is already familiar with a bit of my story, so for you, Hurting, I will just say that I was recently a Wayward Spouse.... as recently as two months ago. My H & I are in the early stages of R and I believe that, by the grace of God, we are finding our way back to each other. I was involved in a 15 month EA/PA with an old high school boyfriend. In the first couple of weeks I honestly did not know what I wanted. I was deeply in the WS Fog. But, I knew in my head what I didn't yet feel in my heart. That it would be "best" if H & I could reconcile. "Best" for everyone I thought. Now, it could have worked out that that was not the truth at all, but I felt, at the time, that giving him too much information, too soon, would completely destroy any possibility of R if we decided to try to put our marriage back together. To be honest, at the time, I didn't think there was a snow ball's chance in Hell that we could. I had a mental checklist of 6 things that I believed to be deal breakers in our reconciliation. The first was that the A was not only an EA, but a PA, as well. This was round number 2, because H knew that the OM and I had had a 2 month EA/PA last year, but he didn't know until two months ago that the OM and I had reestablished contact a few months later and restarted the whole A. H had already figured out that this new contact was at least an EA just by the sheer number of texts and phone calls. The second was that I had met his children. The third was that I had met his parents. The fourth was that I had met a few of his friends, the fifth was that I was still in contact with him for about 2 1/2 weeks after D-Day and the sixth was that I had mislead both the AP and his family. I had allowed them to think that although H & I were still living under the same roof that we were legally separated. Truth is, we certainly weren't living as man and wife, we weren't sleeping together or even in the same room, hadn't in over a year. We were living separate lives, but we were not legally separated. I'm not telling you all this because I am proud of it. To the contrary, I am so ashamed that until a few days ago I couldn't possibly have imagined being this forthcoming with this information, even here on TAM, an anonymous message board. None of this is new to my husband.... just to TAM. The only reason I am sharing this is to try to help you understand what goes on inside the mind of a WS. Perhaps, I feel this is a part of my making amends. If I can help any BS, my H included, then I owe that much.... and so much more.

Interestingly enough, the very things that I feared telling him the most, because I thought they were "deal-breakers," really weren't the most devastating things to him at all. The most devastating thing to him was number 1. The others represented the emotional component of the relationship. To me that was the greatest threat to my marriage and reconciliation. To H, they were just fillers.

The WS holds back information, both, to save their own a$$ and to spare you pain. At least in my case that is the answer. I can't tell you what a relief it was for me to get out that last "deal-breaker" and to realize that H & I could survive this. I hope that my honesty has helped him and I hope that it might help someone else, as well. I've learned that it usually isn't the "known" that breaks the marriage, it really is the unknown.... or just the fear of the unknown. Once these "deal-breakers" were out in the open, they lost their power to destroy us.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry, hurting.

Go and read "newbie" links under AlmostRecovered's signature. They are more useful than what you think.

You say you were already betrayed in your marriage(s). How did you miss this?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hey EI...we're so NOT tired of your insight. Just sayin.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My fWW also had a certain degree of balance between what was revealed and the time it was revealed. We call it trickel truth..I personaly call it God only gives us what we can handle at any given time.
In my case it was 13 years of screwing around so beside getting a little pit at a time the time factor also played a part in pulling up my fWW memory bank.

But at the end of the day it all needs to be on the table...and yes if your WW can see this, and understand that as a betrayed spouse it is the unkown that will distroy the R.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you confronted your WW?


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## hurting1600 (Jul 30, 2012)

She actually confessed. Of course it began with she flirted to the whole mess. This past weekend she finally gave me the whole story so far. As to how I missed seeing it I don't know. Even now I have checked every phone call, email, etc going back 14 months and don't see anything. She still says she doesn't know why she left her panties off though. That just bugs me. Looking back I see how we were living completely separate lives. We are both working on that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hurting1600 said:


> Axing up. I am hurting so bad. Confused and don't know what to do.oI am 50, married for 18 years and just found out about supposed EA. However in the last month of absolute misery the story has moved from just a flirt thing to a didn't wear panties but nothing happened 1 year relationship. When does it stop. How much pain can a man take. My last 2 marriages were filled with affairs. 1 with my father. I cant believe her yet and it has been a over a month of crying. Due to circumstances we live 6 hours apart. See each other on weekend. We have had several very special Times in the months leading up to day. At least I thought they were. I am lost, confused and hurting. HELP!


Damn. Not another case of a wife cheating with her FIL?! 

No wonder your current wife's infidelity has hit you so hard!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hurting...dude...I'm gonna open a window here. It isn't gonna be pretty, but it's something you need to brace yourself for:

3/6/12 was my Dday. Regret (her screen name here) initially came clean about her 5 year affair with the xOM. She told me the truth that night.

Until 4/22 when she told me that they had done different positions and talked dirty. That's when I knew the truth.

Until 5/5 when she told me another sexual deal (one that was supposedly just ours). That's when I knew the truth.

Until 6/15 when she told me they had sex twice in one visit. That's when I knew the truth.

See where this is going, man? DON'T be the f'ng "Truth Archeologist" like I've had to be. It f'ng sucks moose balls. Period.

I'm glad I'm "through" that part. But am I? Will I ever be? Will any BS ever get the full truth? Probably not all of it. But what is your end truth that you can deal with? THAT is the question.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow, right on Digs.
I'm 2-1/2 yrs out and there will be a time when it doesn't matter about position, and things said, it will end up with enough is enough and the details don't matter its the fact that it happened period.

Sure it suck guys like me a Digs need to hear this crap but at the end of the day we must know exactly what we are now dealing with and the capacities our WW have.

You have one thing going for you, and thats an admission. So many are left in the dark ...were there spouse deny deny deny. You have to get thru the details...know what your are dealing with.

Then its time to see what your WW is willing to do to affair proof her marriage...the reason you keep her around. Alot of folks get shafted with alot of crap there WW throw at them (fake R).

I mean during the most fragile time in the marriage they continue to Brush it off.....that is the worst thing you can let happen.

trust me I lived it and it sucked....its a crappy way to live. But when you confront this head on you will either get the response that shows her owning her unhealthy behavior and her actions show remorse or you get the "I don't wont to talk about it" and that is bad very bad.

If she can't face this with you she will never face it and it will happen again. Open this can of worms up and learn.


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## hurting1600 (Jul 30, 2012)

You know today I talk to my IC. I realized that it is not just the betrayal of the marriage. It was that she was my hero. I truly beloved that she had lines she would never cross. My father slept with my wife. I have had now all my wives cheat. Where is the chance to believe in someone. Will everyone just be inconsiderate. Hurtful? Now what do I do. My whole life is built on shifting sand. Who do you turn to when ere is no one left to turn to? I feel hopeless. I feel like life has no meaning. Everything I hoped for is shattered. I wish I could feelmad. Feel betrayed. Feel anything but this deep in the soul sadness.


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