# Is anyone here happily married over 20 years ?



## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Hello everyone - I'm fairly new to this forum. About 5 years ago I went through a very painful divorce. My once happy marriage had very slowly deteriorated over time, and my husband broke my heart with numerous affairs, left me for another woman, and was extremely hurtful to me during the process. (We were married 23 years total)

I can see now, that I waited way to long to try and mend things between us, but the erosion of our once happy marriage happened so slowly and gradually, and I didn't know may marriage was on the rocks until way to late.

I am now engaged to a WONDERFUL man, whom I love so much, and I really want this one to be me forever marriage (as was my wish for the last marriage) 

Right now we are very much in love, and are very compatible, and we treat each other like a King and a Queen. 

The big mistake in my last marriage was that we were BOTH very independent, and believed in giving each other "space". Well, I think a little bit of "space" is alright in a marriage (and there is usually enough space that occurs naturally in a marriage, no need to create more) My ex and I gave each other so much "space" that we ended up in separate lives and became complete strangers to each other. It's more like we failed to grow closer as a couple, than that we grew apart.

I don't think my fiancee and I will have THAT particular problem, as we are very much in to togetherness.

Are any of you out there married over 20 years and still going strong ? What's the secret to keeping your love alive for the long run ? What challenges did you face and how ?

I don't expect fire works after 20 years, but I do want us to stay close and content for life.

Any words of wisdom from long time, happily marrieds would be appreciated ! Thanks in advance.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
For me the answer is "almost". My wife and I have been married almost 30 years, and have known each other and dated for 35. We get along very well, love each other, enjoy each other's company, share interests etc. 

I would say I am very happy - except for our very serious sexual incompatibility.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager.. married in our early 20's... we've never cared about "space".. . we've always enjoyed doing things together.. it's not just me who feels this way.. he does too.. I greatly appreciate this about him.. We've been together a good 36 yrs + when counting dating in there too. 

Not sure when you met your current partner.. you may still be in the "whirlwind phase".. Relationship experts say if a couple is still going strong, still feeling the love / compatibility after 18 straight months.... you have beat the odds.. just don't ignore any red flags.. know what your deal breakers are.. don't minimize them.. 

Do not be afraid of conflict.. better to fight once in a while, get it out in the open and resolve ...so a seed of resentment does not start to grow.... this thread can shed some light..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

To put in a nut shell...

Never Keep Secrets







~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend. 

Some really good articles on Compatibility here...

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> 
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> ...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The only thing that I can bring to the table is to suggest what not to do. Wait until you've been together for a long time before you marry. And by long time I mean a couple years. I made the mistake of not doing that and discovered that I really didn't know my wife before I married her. There were many things that she said that she would do and beliefs that she said she had before marriage that turned out not to be true at all. Make sure he is what he says he is. Don't take his word for it, don't believe it unless you see it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do not be afraid of conflict.. better to fight once in a while, get it out in the open and resolve ...so a seed of resentment does not start to grow.... this thread can shed some light..


This is absolutely key!!! Neither of us liked conflict so we never talked about things that made us mad. All this did was build resentment. Fighting about things isn't always a bad thing, you'll never go anywhere if you just fake compatibility.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My W and I have been married 22 years. The spark is still alive and getting hotter. Tooting my own horn....we had sex Monday, Tuesday and just finished texting about our plans for sex on our chaise lounge chair tonight. We are very happily married. My W will tell you the best time of the day is when we lay in bed together before going to sleep. 

Yes, happily married but it takes work, compassion, understanding, love, commitment and choosing your battles wisely. Most of all, spending as much time together as possible. Whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder was completely wrong. You know what it takes. The "space" in your first marriage was it's undoing. Spend no less that 15 hours a week together doing something without distraction.


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## SouthernViking (May 7, 2016)

Been Married 30 years. We were high school sweethearts and have been together 34 years. We are strong Christians and talk about everything. There is nothing to suspect in our marriage. She can look through my phone, computer, iPad anytime she wants. We do everything together. If someone makes any kind of advance towards me, I tell her everything. We once had a mutual friend who asked her if I could come to her apartment one weekend due to a scary situation with one of her neighbors. It was an attempt to get me in the bed with her. I told my wife everything that happened.
When I was working and I had to take an out of town trip, she and the kids came along. 
I would say to take time and always reflect upon your marriage. I even go so far as to suggest a marriage counselor at certain points of your life. 10, 20 year marks. It is always beneficial to have an outsider (professional) to suggest ways to improve your marriage. You should always be open to discuss ways you can improve your marriage and be willing to admit when things you are doing may be or have been detrimental.
This though, is the number 1 thing you can do to always foster a healthy relationship. Every morning I wake up, I try and do something that day to improve my wife's day. Flowers, cleaning, messages throughout the day, or buying or making something for her. Complete unselfishness. Being selfish is a bullet in the heart of a marriage. Never, ever say "what about me".


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ideal situation? ............both have forgiving natures.

Working situation? .....one-half has a VERY forgiving nature.....especially when it is the MORE abused-half-of-the-marriage.

Learning from past marital errors is great....usually a PIPE dream. Egos prevent progress.

Don't count on AGING leading to WISDOM. If you are not wise as an Acorn...you will not be.... as a left-leaning-tree.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Married 20 years, together for 22 years. The spark is still alive and strong. We have complete openness and we very rarely argue. Having teen/pre-teen kids is tough on us, but that will pass in a few years.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> For me the answer is "almost". My wife and I have been married almost 30 years, and have known each other and dated for 35. We get along very well, love each other, enjoy each other's company, share interests etc.
> 
> I would say I am very happy - except for our very serious sexual incompatibility.


Sorry to hear about the sexual incompatibility, but I must say, your love for each other in all areas must be very strong if you are still loving each other and enjoying each other's company.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Married for 36 years (first marriage for the both of us); dated exclusively in college for 3 years before getting married. No living together arrangement before marriage. Neither have cheated in our marriage.

We share the same goals in life and have very similar values. All accounts are joint and transparent. Our marriage is strong and still physically attracted to each other. We are without children by choice. We are both career professionals. We are now 60 (husband) and 58 years of age. 

We have established boundaries. We mutually respect each other and our spouse comes above everyone else. We do not attend parties without each other and no exclusive opposite sex friends. Our friends are mutual ones. Both our set of parents were first time marriages and married for over 60 years. We had great examples of stable marriages.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> Married for 36 years (first marriage for the both of us); dated exclusively in college for 3 years before getting married. No living together arrangement before marriage. Neither have cheated in our marriage.
> 
> We share the same goals in life and have very similar values. All accounts are joint and transparent. Our marriage is strong and still physically attracted to each other. We are without children by choice. We are both career professionals. We are now 60 (husband) and 58 years of age.
> 
> We have established boundaries. We mutually respect each other and our spouse comes above everyone else. We do not attend parties without each other and no exclusive opposite sex friends. Our friends are mutual ones. Both our set of parents were first time marriages and married for over 60 years. We had great examples of stable marriages.


About the same like above for me, but with kids. And little money :frown2: but a happy sex life :smile2:.
We are still in love, which seems to happen to about 1 in 10 marriages. 

Communication is the key issue i.m.h.o. Look for several options like non-violent communication, appreciative inquiry etc. Try them and use what works for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RubyRing said:


> Hello everyone - I'm fairly new to this forum. About 5 years ago I went through a very painful divorce. My once happy marriage had very slowly deteriorated over time, and my husband broke my heart with numerous affairs, left me for another woman, and was extremely hurtful to me during the process. (We were married 23 years total)
> 
> I can see now, that I waited way to long to try and mend things between us, but the erosion of our once happy marriage happened so slowly and gradually, and I didn't know may marriage was on the rocks until way to late.
> 
> ...


You gave your first husband space. But to use a British expression, he then decided to take the p*ss.

*That was his fault solely and not yours*.

You married a wrong 'un.

Now you have a right 'un, I hope. 

I have been with my wife for a total of 27 years. But it hasn't always been smooth sailing to say the least!


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## Bensdad123 (Oct 6, 2012)

I have not been married for 20 years or more. I have been married for 9 years and we have two children together. I can say for myself that I hate being married, I desire divorce and yet I cant seem to bring myself to leave or start a petition for divorce. We don't have anything in common except our two children. Her so called christian beliefs create friction between us, she thinks she knows everything because she attended a private bible college..whereas I am a GED blue collar worker all my life. She had an affair 3 years ago and my mind went south...needless to say I had an affair also..we've been to counseling several times etc but honestly I have no mind or heart set to wanna make this work anymore it sux!😞

Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

My wife and I have been together for 20 years and will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary next year.

We are happily married.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I've been with my husband since I was a teenager.. married in our early 20's... we've never cared about "space".. . we've always enjoyed doing things together.. it's not just me who feels this way.. he does too.. I greatly appreciate this about him.. We've been together a good 36 yrs + when counting dating in there too.
> 
> Not sure when you met your current partner.. you may still be in the "whirlwind phase".. Relationship experts say if a couple is still going strong, still feeling the love / compatibility after 18 straight months.... you have beat the odds.. just don't ignore any red flags.. know what your deal breakers are.. don't minimize them..
> 
> ...


Great questions. Except for #10, I think we do very well. Our personal hygiene standards are equal, but I am sloppier and less organized than he. I'm not a WHOLE LOT sloppier but just a bit. He hasn't gotten upset at me yet, but I can see that this could possibly be something that will irritate him over time. When he moves in with me, I plan on giving one of the empty bedrooms to be "his" room, one of the living rooms will be "his" the other will be "mine". Of course all the space is "ours", but if we can each have a few spaces to call our own, I can confine my sloppiness and my organzied chaos to my designated spaces, and out of the common areas and his areas.

And thank you everyone, there are many good answers here.

I didn't realize that there was already a thread about long term success in marriage.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

RubyRing said:


> Well, I think a little bit of "space" is alright in a marriage (and there is usually enough space that occurs naturally in a marriage, no need to create more) My ex and I gave each other so much "space" that we ended up in separate lives and became complete strangers to each other. It's more like we failed to grow closer as a couple, than that we grew apart.


It is not so much the space in marriage, but more about "how" you use it. I personally find that space makes me grow closer to my wife.

GOOD SPACE = I want you to miss me, so here is something for you to think about while we are apart!

BAD SPACE = Leave me alone, I need to take care of my own things for a while and I can not deal with you being needy right now. 

Badsanta


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

I'm inspired and optimistic to read about these wonderful, happy marriages. Wonderful and congratulations all!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

We have been married for 26 years. We have had mostly good years but too many bad years. I let complacency and routine take over. Once I saw that we were having toxic communication, I worked to fix it and be more respectful. Now I am more in tune with my wife's needs than I once was. Always keep your spouses feelings/needs in mind. They can change with little warning and need to be heeded. 

Too much space can be a bad thing but not enough can be a problem as well. There needs to be a balance to what defines each of you as individuals and your relationship as a couple. Find out what that balance should be for you. Our marriage improved as I started feeding what fed my soul. Now I look to see what feeds my wife's soul and support it. Recently I discovered I had been neglecting an aspect and I am taking steps to make it a priority. 

Good luck!


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Bensdad123 said:


> I have not been married for 20 years or more. I have been married for 9 years and we have two children together. I can say for myself that I hate being married, I desire divorce and yet I cant seem to bring myself to leave or start a petition for divorce. We don't have anything in common except our two children. Her so called christian beliefs create friction between us, she thinks she knows everything because she attended a private bible college..whereas I am a GED blue collar worker all my life. She had an affair 3 years ago and my mind went south...needless to say I had an affair also..we've been to counseling several times etc but honestly I have no mind or heart set to wanna make this work anymore it sux!😞
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


Going through my old post, so I am not sure if you still post here, but I am sorry you are going through this.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi Ruby,
Somehow I missed this 3 years ago. How are things now?
I'm married 31 1/2 years. I've come to the conclusion that 20 years is a nice long term for a marriage. I would say that overall we have failed to transition to empty nest. No affairs that I am aware of. Sticking together out of sheer inertia.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@RubyRing

Define *"Happily"*. :wink2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SouthernViking said:


> Been Married 30 years. We were high school sweethearts and have been together 34 years. We are strong Christians and talk about everything. There is nothing to suspect in our marriage. She can look through my phone, computer, iPad anytime she wants. We do everything together. If someone makes any kind of advance towards me, I tell her everything. We once had a mutual friend who asked her if I could come to her apartment one weekend due to a scary situation with one of her neighbors. It was an attempt to get me in the bed with her. I told my wife everything that happened.
> When I was working and I had to take an out of town trip, she and the kids came along.
> I would say to take time and always reflect upon your marriage. I even go so far as to suggest a marriage counselor at certain points of your life. 10, 20 year marks. It is always beneficial to have an outsider (professional) to suggest ways to improve your marriage. You should always be open to discuss ways you can improve your marriage and be willing to admit when things you are doing may be or have been detrimental.
> This though, is the number 1 thing you can do to always foster a healthy relationship. Every morning I wake up, I try and do something that day to improve my wife's day. Flowers, cleaning, messages throughout the day, or buying or making something for her. Complete unselfishness. Being selfish is a bullet in the heart of a marriage. Never, ever say "what about me".


That started the troubles in my marriage around 8 years ago cause I got fed up of always giving and not receiving and started asking the question "what about me?' I am glad I did because now he knows, gone are the days of acquiescence. If he wants me in his life, then I will always ask 'what about me?' Not all spouses know that give and take is important in a marriage, some are downright selfish, self centred and have to be reminded.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

We got engaged after dating for two weeks. We met about four months before that. Got married 8 months later. (Not what you are thinking). This was in 1978. Celebrated our 40th anniversary last year. 

We are both very stubborn and never give up. We, however, work well together as a team facing life’s problems. Wife had serious congenital health issues that became apparent when we tried to have children. 3 miscarriages and a premature live birth boy who died in our arms after 2 minutes, because his lungs had not developed. Today medical technology could have saved him maybe. So we adopted a baby boy from an agency. At age 3 he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. He outperformed expectations but is considered “intellectually disabled”. Lives in a group home now. He is a legitimate Eagle Scout.

We were so busy dealing with various big issues we never had any free time or desire to engage in all the extramarital monkey business you read about on this board, which seems to be many married couples undoing. We have been successful in careers and financial investments and are comfortable in retirement with two homes, one is a beautiful lake front house. Sex life was good until I turned 60 and began to experience ED due to low T. My username here is EDmund. I joined this board and several others that I discovered when searching for alternative solutions for ED, as the usual medicines help but don’t solve the problem. The only thing that seems to really help is weightlifting. I am afraid to try TRT. Wife considers herself to be sexually adventurous, and she will try a lot of sexy things, but early on she said “no extra people in our sexual relationship”. I can live with that.

So I don’t know the secret of a long marriage. I would say, just be truthful, trustworthy and faithful. But that is so obvious. Good day to everyone.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

34 yrs. All good. 

That doesn't mean perfect always and never fight, but once each realize most disagreements aren't about who's right/wrong things pass, life is good.

Still happy, sex is good and frequent, at will so to speak.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Into our 24th year married and 28th together.

Spanking....lots of spanking...


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Hi Ruby,
> Somehow I missed this 3 years ago. How are things now?
> I'm married 31 1/2 years. I've come to the conclusion that 20 years is a nice long term for a marriage. I would say that overall we have failed to transition to empty nest. No affairs that I am aware of. Sticking together out of sheer inertia.


Hello Mr Nail. We've been married a little over 2 years now and still going strong. Thanks for asking. Sorry to hear that you are having trouble transitioning to empty nest. Hopefully you will get through this.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Hello. Things are going well, thanks for asking. We've been married 2 years now, still going strong.

Sorry you are having trouble transitioning to empty nest. Hopefully, you will get through this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RubyRing said:


> my husband broke my heart with numerous affairs, left me for another woman, and was extremely hurtful to me during the process. (We were married 23 years total)
> 
> I can see now, that I waited way to long to try and mend things between us, but the erosion of our once happy marriage happened so slowly and gradually, and I didn't know may marriage was on the rocks until way to late.
> 
> ...


I'll get to your actual questions in a little bit but I want to address something here first. 

You sound like a very good person and I bet you think other people are usually good sincere people too..... and that if a relationship/marriage tanks, that it is because of something that they did wrong. 

The reason your previous marriage went belly up was not because you gave each other too much space or that you "drifted apart" or that you didn't see the dangers signs soon enough. 

It was because your XH was a bad person of bad character. 

It's not that there was too much space - it was because he wanted to bang other women and needed time to do it. 

The reason that you didn't grow closer as a couple was because he was investing his time, energies and money/resources into other women. 

You could not have "fixed" it because you can not fix another person's bad character. 

If your 'space' was responsible for anything, it would be that you didn't catch on to his bad behavior sooner and didn't divorce earlier. 

The reason I am saying this is because I don't want you going into your next marriage paranoid that if you slip up on a Tuesday night and don't completely fulfill him every moment that he is going to hook up with some chick at the bar or in the office on Wednesday. It doesn't work like that with good people and with good spouses. 

Your x was a bad person and absolutely nothing you could have done would have ever changed that or ever had any bearing on the ultimate outcome. 

It's great to get good ideas on fun things to do with your spouse and to get tips and pointers from successful people on how to live life to the fullest. 

But decent people who are monogamous and sincere and are marriage material to begin with do not need parlor tricks and shiny gadgets and gizmos to remain faithful and engaged in a healthy marriage.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Yea 21 or 22. The past 17 years has been ****.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, I am not sure that anything in your first marriage could have been changed. Some women internalize problems and say what could I have done differently and the answer may be nothing. If your husband had multiple affairs, he may think that is normal, and you simply do not change that type of man. That could be contrasted with the guy who is mistreated over a number of years with an unavailable wife and finally cracks one day. I don't think the distance had anything to do with problems. So to add to the list someone wrote, number 1 is probably marrying the right person. Secondly is just basic, treating your husband reasonably nice, (some people ca be very pleasant and disciplined at work and then let loose on their spouse).


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I'll get to your actual questions in a little bit but I want to address something here first.
> 
> You sound like a very good person and I bet you think other people are usually good sincere people too..... and that if a relationship/marriage tanks, that it is because of something that they did wrong.
> 
> ...


Thank you Oldshirt.

Funny thing about my husband and his "bad character". He was almost a virgin when we met, very shy with women. Very attractive man, but not much confidence with women. It took him a year to get the nerve to ask me out. Unbeknownst to me, he had a crush on me from afar, and I didn't even know who he was until he finally got the nerve to ask me out. Then I pretty much fell for him completely. In the very beginning of our relationship, he told me he was a "one woman man". He was so loving, loyal and devoted for several years in the beginning. So I never in my wildest imaganation thought he would cheat on me.

After our marriage deteriorated, and he told me about his numerous affairs, he also told him that I was the one who gave him sexual confidence. Boy, was that like a slap in the face ! Early in our relationship, he told me I was the only woman who really enjoyed sex with him. He told me he had to "beg" the few women he slept with for sex. I just felt so royally enraged that he took the gift of willing, enthusiastic sex, used it to puff up his ego, so he could go take his new found sexual confidence that I gave him, and use it to betray me. I guess he felt like he really missed out on "sowing his wild oat" in his youth. His shyness (which I thought was rather cute), masked his lack of character. Once I built up his confidence, he used it to betray me.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words.

I've been married for a little over 2 years and we are still going strong, very much in love. Makes me glad things didn't work out with my ex, because now I know what a happy relationship is. Even the part of my past marriage that I thought was good, comes nowhere near as good as what I have with my sweetheart now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

How can you be “Almost a virgin”. Isn’t that like being a little bit pregnant. 😁


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> How can you be “Almost a virgin”. Isn’t that like being a little bit pregnant. 😁


By " almost a virgin" I mean very little sexual experience, with very few women, and forgive for being indelicate, he NEVER gave oral sex prior to me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RubyRing said:


> ........It's more like we failed to grow closer as a couple, than that we grew apart.
> 
> I don't think my fiancee and I will have THAT particular problem, as we are very much in to togetherness.
> 
> ...


47+ years of marriage to my college sweetheart. The key is commitment to marriage and to yourself and your ethics and vows.

Having said that we came close to divorcing a few times. One time required marriage counseling with a sex therapist to prevent a divorce along with a lot of change on both our parts. Also seen a regular marriage counselor together to work on some issues. I also agree the comment that preventive maintenance "tune-up" marriage counseling sessions (actually maybe half a dozen) every few decades is also a good idea. This is especially true around major life changes, say children, menopause, empty nest, retirement, etc.

My advice, read Chapman's 5 languages of Love to the point you understand how to communicate in your spouses Love Languages. Also get on of MW Davis book's such as Divorce Busting. Finally, get a copy of David Schnarch's Intimacy and Desire (and maybe the Crucible). Read the books together a chapter at a time and discuss them. It will be hard, but good for you and your marriage. Schnarch likes to say that Marriage is the hardest thing two people can do, if they do it right, as Marriage is a people growing machine. As one person emotionally grows or is forced to grow (i.e. become financially responsible, change roles to raise a child, takes care of an ill partner) they change and that either pushes or pulls their partner to also emotionally grow. This imbalance in growth and the pushing and pulling is what forces two people in a committed relationship to fight and sometimes divorce. You can either view it positively (i.e. emotionally growing in a committed relationship) or you can view the pain negatively. 

Good luck.


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