# My wifes lack of drive



## butch (Nov 15, 2008)

My wife and I have been married 12 years. When we first got together the sex was fantastic. After marriage her drive just vanished.For the last 12 years we have tried several things to boost her drive, different techniques, books, movies, settings, and we even tried counceling. Some helped a little, but her drive just dissapears again. 

We have a wonderful relationship outside the bedroom , we laugh, and play together, we talk things over, if we are not at work we are practically inseparable. The only thing that we have ever really fought over is sex.

She has used every reason that can be imagined to not have sex. I hear about back aches, and her queasy stomach, or we just ate, or she's tired. For the last few years we have averaged doing it once a week,but lately its closer to twice a month, and about half of that is not all that great. Sometimes she hardly touches me when were doing it. She will put sex off until she senses that I really need it, and then she'll put it off until its almost bed time. 

We have ,over the years, settled into a kind of pattern. It goes like this:

Sex is good for a couple of months

Her drive starts to dwindle

Time between encounters becomes longer

Quality of the sex decreases....it becomes almost clinical

after a few months I become frustrated

She senses my frustration, and pulls away from me further

Eventually we fight over it, then discuss things to try to improve things

Now up until now after we have fought, we have had long talks to try to improve thing. We have come up with different ideas together to try, and somtimes they work, sometimes they don't. They never last long no matter what it is. Last time she decided that we should try more foreplay to get her going. That lasted about 3 times. Normally even when she's in the mood she does not want foreplay. I always thought that was kinda strange , but she says when she's ready she wants IT, not foreplay. Ok
Anyway..We tried counceling, but when the therapist started to focus on her being the problem as opposed to me wanting sex too much she said she did not want to go back, now in her defense I think we had the wrong therapist as well. She said some things to my wife that I believed were kind of unproffessional. 

Now the last few times that we have discussed the problem or fought over it she tell me that I have to adjust. Its my problem not hers.

We fought last night because it had been awhile and after spending the day together I thought she might be interested. Around 8 or so I casually asked if she'd thought about getting together upstairs. Her reply was " Nooo.....But you probably want to ....sooo we can" . She then started to kind of complain about how men always want sex and such. After 30 or 40 minutes we went upstairs, and she grumped a little more. So I told her that if she was gonna be grumpy just to forget it. We had a short fight and went to sleep. She told me that she has been stressed out over her job and her pregnant daughter. Now, this I could understand, but after hearing every excuse in the book for 12 years, it just seems like that....another excuse. She told me that I would just have to adjust to not getting it when I want, and that its not killing me not to do it.

I am so tired of being angry all the time over this. It is so frustrating. Nothing I try works. She even told the therapist that even when I do everything right ( romance, helping around the house etc) it doesn't help. I am at the point now where I am so angry I just want to scream. I do eveything she asks me to do and things she doesn't ask me . I live my life to make her happy and she'll tell you I spoil her to death. 

I don't know what else to do.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i have heard this a few times. the reason was given to me by a farrier. he said and yes this is only one bloke . but he said when all his mates and himself were dating, the GF were really hot and fab etc etc. but once they were all married , he said most noticed changes in sex and how it decreased and virtually stayed like that. except for when the women wanted to try for children.

a few of the men up ended up having affairs etc. most divorced.

but the conclusion was the women got their man, they got there children from a gene pool that was good. 
i actually believe alot of this makes sense. this goes back to the animal kingdom.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

butch-

You're looking in the wrong places for the answer.

The lack of sex is the final symptom of something very simple: Your wife does not find you sexually attractive. The reason for that could be many things, but one thing that is a distinct possibility in your case is too much closeness. You give to her so frequently in so many ways, that she has no hunger for you. Unfortunately, she also has little desire to make you happy. You have taught her through your behaviour that she can get away with this more or less indefinitely.

Eventually things will reach a crisis point. You will get so annoyed with her obvious disinterest that you will be on the verge of leaving - assuming temptation does not reach you first. When you reach this point, she will have the choice to work on it, or let you go.

To go back to the "why" of it... as well as being to nice to her, you need to realise that you are not pressing her "hot" button. With some women, it is very hard to tell where this button is located. They certainly won't tell you. But with every woman there is a situation that makes them hot. You may have once been able to send her there, but now the rules have changed, and the old tricks are not working. Worse than that, she won't let you try some of the old tricks - the door is shut because she does not want the enhanced level of intimacy with you. You know her too well already, and she does not want to give up that last private space within herself that only she can unlock.

One question I would like to ask. You mention she does not like foreplay - what about after-play? does she cum during sex?


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## butch (Nov 15, 2008)

I am not sure what you mean about afterplay. She cums when she is in the mood for sex.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Foreplay is manual or oral stimulation before intercourse. After-play is oral or manual stimulation after intercourse. So for instance, if a woman has not cum by the time the man has ejaculated, many men stimulate their wives to orgasm afterwards.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

butch said:


> When we first got together the sex was fantastic. After marriage her drive just vanished..


Reminds me of the joke: What food do women eat to lower their sex drives?
Answer: wedding cake


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I would suggest quit asking for it. I just had a conversation with my wife this weekend about sex.."yeah here we go again...it's all about sex for you!", she said. I said; "shut up! I would have had numerous affairs is that were the case!" I think once women feel you have to have it, they don't want to give it up. It's the cat n' mouse trick. Hell, i just read a post earlier where the woman was upset with her hubby and did not want to touch him, but she wanted him to come on to her. WHAT! That is the mentality we are dealing with. Be her friend, masturbate when you can't take it anymore and don't be needy or complain about it. I think eventually she will come around, thus making you more sexually attractive. If you are like me, it does not matter how much she gives it up...it will never be enough. Life is too short to get so upset over it. And by the way, if you stray with another woman. Eventually that relationship would end up that way to. Good luck.


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## CARELESS (Nov 18, 2008)

only in my opinion, she may or may not be interested in being sexual with you anymore. Actually I have went through the same emotions as her. In my case I have had a lot of problems with my marriage that affects me. Even if she isn't interested in being sexually active with you, that doesn't mean she doesn't love you or care for you.
Also, their could be completely different reasons that doesn't envolve marriage. Has she ever been mistreated by a man sexually before you and your wife got together? Is their any thing that your wife knows about your past that she does not like or trust? For example, if you was girl crazy, a player, or a big alcohol drinker or drug user ; could this be what is holding your wife back? 
I know I'm throwing out a lot of questions that seem stupid to you, but I'm just trying to give you and other men some ideas of what a woman thinks about and what stays in the back of her mind.

At the beginning of your relationship or marriage, how often did you and her have sex? now this can play a major roll in your sex life.
I got burnt out on sex with my husband because he constantly said something about having sex. Sex on his brain 24/7. But, my husband is also a porn and sex addict which he admitted to me about. I use to have to do and act like the porn movies. The things she done I would have to do or he would get mad. Not to go into to much detail about my problems but their are many many issues out their today that can affect your marriage. It can even be the smallest thing that bothers her that you would never think of. 
Once a woman finds out what her husband thinks, what he likes, and what he seems to be through her eyes then that is stamped into her head for the rest of her life. Nothing may never come up for years to come, but then when something triggers her to remember bad things then she will pull back and distant herself from you because it may not feel right to her.

I don't know if any of this will help you, but I thought I would at least share some of my experience and feelings with you.
Good luck and remember whatever you do, don't pressure her for sex that will drive her away big time and don't talk so much about it. Let her see that you are more than just about sex.
Good luck my friend.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

great post M22...

If I felt my husband was overly focused on wanting sex & talking and touching seemed to usually be along those lines, it would probably take its toll on me...what makes me really desire him is when I catch him looking at me smiling, when he jumps up to help me with the dishes, lifting something or whatever, when he snuggles up close on the couch or sneaks a kiss, when he notices/compliments an outfit, my hair. When he asks me how my day is/was...when he's already doing all of those things we are both on the same page once we hit the bedroom.

The problem with pushing the issue is that it might be received as another expectation of me when I'm already overworked, overtired, overwhelmed. If your wife is feeling that way, getting her back to feeling loved, desired, cared for and a true partner in the marriage is the best way to get the results you want.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> The reason for that could be many things, but one thing that is a distinct possibility in your case is too much closeness. You give to her so frequently in so many ways, that she has no hunger for you. Unfortunately, she also has little desire to make you happy. You have taught her through your behaviour that she can get away with this more or less indefinitely.


I have to second this. In my own relationship, we had a closeness that became very platonic because of lack of sex. Once that spark and flirtatiousness was gone it was hard to get back. The relationship was very affectionate and close but again, no spark. Sadly this contributed to my partner having emotional and physical affairs (not the main cause, but definitely part of it). 

However, when we broke up after wards (still living together but sleeping in separate rooms), suddenly the lack of access to him made me want him that much more. I went from little sex drive to masturbating 1-3 times/day. We reconciled and since then have been intimate at least 5 days each week. It is much more like in the beginning when things were hot and heavy. I also realized how it is fun to flirt and tease, i.e. wearing special lingerie or saying suggestive and coy things to set the mood for later.

I think if we could go from not being intimate for weeks or months at a time to being pretty hot and heavy there is hope for you if your wife is willing to work for it.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Can't help but notice that most of these replies are from men...please focus on the replies from the women as we usually know what get's us going.

First off, when I was reading your original post...I wondered for a couple seconds if you were my husband posting about me!

I've been married for 13 years and when we first got together we were like bunny rabbits. Four, five times a day was not unusual, and then I got pregnant and just wasn't interested so much anymore. 

This had nothing to do with my husband. I still find him attractive and I still love having sex with him but the urge just wasn't there anymore except for every once in awhile, especially about a week before my period. You know what this told me? It told me that my sex drive was, in large part, based on my body and what it was doing on that day (hormones, etc...). This also explains why just about all women lose interest in sex while going through menopause.

In an effort to help my sex life along, I started looking into natural ways to boost my testosterone level. Yes, women's bodies produce it too...the higher the level in the body, the more you want it (which explains to me why all you men want it 24/7), and have had some success with it.

Anyway, there are some women's doctors that will, if you ask, test hormone levels and recommend either holistic or prescription aids to increase a lagging libido.

On top of that, I took my husband to a sex shop and we bought some new toys to try to keep things interesting. Like I said, I love my husband but the same old thing in the bedroom is still the same old thing. A wig and some roleplaying or things with batteries make for some interesting evenings.

Please, talk about this problem with your wife and I wish you both all the luck getting this worked out.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Deb1234 said:


> This had nothing to do with my husband. I still find him attractive and I still love having sex with him but the urge just wasn't there anymore except for every once in awhile, especially about a week before my period. You know what this told me? It told me that my sex drive was, in large part, based on my body and what it was doing on that day (hormones, etc...). *This also explains why just about all women lose interest in sex while going through menopause.*
> 
> In an effort to help my sex life along, I started looking into natural ways to boost my testosterone level. Yes, women's bodies produce it too...the higher the level in the body, the more you want it (which explains to me why all you men want it 24/7), and have had some success with it.



While most of your post is really good, I have to point out that it is an absolute falsehood that just about all women lose interest in sex while going through menopause. It is a myth. There are actually a lot of women who are MORE interested in sex, and those like me, going through perimenopause, who have found no discernable decline thus far. Typically they say that if you have a strong drive prior, you'll probably not be affected much at all after. You may have a dryness issue, but that's something that can be dealt with.

The thyroid also plays a part in sex drive for women... as do emotions and connection. Attraction is only a part of it, so while I usually think MarkTwain's posts are brilliant, I think he's off base in coming down so hard on the side of attraction being the issue.

Women are very complicated in terms of sexual response. 

Anyway, for this guy (and the post is very old), his wife is avoiding and deflecting and blaming (complaining about men wanting it all the time... which is also not true.) She's very defensive. Why she doesn't want to be truthful I don't know.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

The menopause info was from my (limited) experience with people I know who've gone through it. I'm sorry I commented without looking up all the facts first and thanks for the correction!! It's good to know that I may still be wanting to "get jiggy" (as my son says) when it's my turn!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Oh yeah, Deb! I wonder how much self-fulfilling prophesy there is in regard to menopause and negative interest in sex. So have a positive attitude and you never know! 

I honestly think the 40s are the best ever and I have no reason to suspect anything less about the remaining time.


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