# Nice Guy, Hopeless Romantic, Fool for Love...Seeking Help



## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

I guess my situation is no different than most others...

My wife and I have recently separated after being together for about 12 years (married for 9) we have a total of 4 boys (2 together, 1 from her previous marriage, 1 from my previous relationship) I am absolutely devastated. 

Every relationship that I have ever been in, I have been the one that has ended up with my heart broken. I guess I'm the definition of what you would call the nice guy that finishes last. 

I truly do love this woman, I am 34 years old and have been with her for nearly a third of my life, losing her feels like losing my right arm, I'm just at such a loss about how to function right now. 

I have always considered myself a very humble guy and have never had a problem admitting to my faults. I realize that I made a lot of mistakes in loving her the right way. I was irresponsible in a lot of ways (emotionally, financially, spiritually) The thing is, I never meant to be. As far as the emotional part, I have been a student working very hard on two degrees for the past few years and am about to finish up soon. I'll admit that I did let that get in the way of being the family man that I should have been. I guess I always took it for granted that she would understand that I was doing it all to provide a better life for my family. 

I did however manage to do as much as I could to help her out. I did the grocery shopping, helped with cleaning and laundry. I cooked great dinners for the fam (former chef) almost every night of our marriage and made school lunches a lot of mornings. 

Early in our marriage, I think I dealt with a lot of anger, baggage carried over from my previous relationship with my son's mother who I discovered was cheating on me. (For the record I've never physically taken my anger out on my wife (or any woman for that matter) We (my wife & I) would have heated exchanges, and sometimes a wall or door might be punched but again I've never even had the desire to ever hit a woman. 

After a while though, my wife and I fell into a really good groove, I was working for her father's company, I truly got over the anger and found a love and a friendship in her that meant so much to me.

We were never very strong financially and after I got laid off (her father was voted off the board so he couldn't do much to help) She was totally supportive of me going back to school, her mother even offered to help us financially. We were really in a good place and were both optimistic about one door closing and another one opening.

Somewhere along the line though as my workload at school began to increase and I became more immersed in it, we began to lose that connection, I'll admit that she honestly made attempts to talk to me, but I would always just kind of casually dismiss it as it's just part of what we're going through right now and that we'll be ok once I get established. From there, we fell out of the routine of going to church, our financial situation began to worsen and honestly, I guess she just lost faith in me.

So, for the past few years our marriage has been under a lot of strain and finally after a call from a bill collector one day, (Nov. 29 to be exact) she had had enough and left, I came home that day to an empty house and my heart was drained right along with it. 

I have begged, pleaded and apologized all over myself, but she seems adamant and sais that she is absolutely finished and wants to move on. I just cant see a person just walking away from 12 years like that. I have raised her son like my own since he was 1 year old. I'm just so hurt and confused when it comes to her state of mind right now. 

I've asked her is there someone else, she sais there isn't. And although I think I know of someone who is possibly pursuing her. I may be a fool but I honestly believe her when she tells me it's not about anyone else.

I worry about her having to deal with three boys on her own. I know that it has to be stressful on her and I hate seeing her trying to deal with so much on her own seemingly just to prove a point, when i'm so willing to be there for her and help her. 

The good news is this situation has inspired me to recommit my life to God. I realized that pretty much for our entire marriage I just didn't have a lot of self love. I've quit my bad habits, none of which were ever addictive by the way, purely recreational. I've gained a new appreciation for the time I get to spend with my kids and am discovering a new level of love and joy in them. They say they like the new me and miss me at home. 

Now maybe, someone can help me understand her thinking. We've had a few intense conversations since she left, me being a man of God however, I've made it a point not to get angry, even at the mention of her possibly dating someone else in the future. Otherwise, we are getting along fairly well, we have gone on a couple of dates and have even made love a few times, even as recently as last weekend. 

I know that based on our current "status" it might not be the healthiest thing to do but we both realize that we still have needs in that area and plus sex in our marriage was always GREAT!!! 

She knows how I feel about wanting to work things out, but does she sound like someone who knows what she wants and is completely done?? 

Should I back off for a while? plan to move on? 

I want to be a Godly/righteous man and honor our marriage (still wearing my ring and everything...in Faith) and refuse to live a bachelor lifestyle even though its been encouraged by some. Any thoughts???


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I am sorry that you are here. You will find this forum to be very helpful during this time. A lot of us are going through very similar situations as you. Be prepared for a lot of advice that is going to be VERY counter intuitive to what you think you should do.

Here is your new self help guide. Read it and live by it.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

So my wife attempted to contact me today...once via phone call/voicemail and once via text...I haven't responded to either

Her mom and I spoke yesterday and she said some pretty hurtful things to me, including "no matter how much you pray, she is not going to take you back" 

It really, really hurt my feelings. 

My wife said in the voicemail that she was calling to see if I was ok and apologize for her mom's harshness. She also asked me to give her a call. How should I read that? 

I see it as her trying to ensure that nobody blows up her spot or sais anything to damage any chance at reconciliation if/when she's ready. 

After I didn't respond, she then texted me a couple hours later to ask if I was ok. 

I'll admit, I really did appreciate her concern, am I doing more harm than good by not responding? Should I call/text. I really do want to be the bigger person.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Fandot -

Sounds like she's trying to reach out to you.

I say, return her call. 

If all she wants is to yell at you and insult you, hang up. 

I'm a big fan of going dark and the 180 but sometimes you gotta give them a chance. It might be something you want to hear. 

And don't let her mother deter you. She may have her own agenda.


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Bullwinkle said:


> Fandot -
> 
> Sounds like she's trying to reach out to you.
> 
> ...


Thanks BullWinkle... I really dont think it will be an insult session. I think I might just text her and tell her that maybe we can talk about it later...Just trying to be careful about how I proceed. Again, Thanks for your response


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Bullwinkle said:


> Fandot -
> 
> Sounds like she's trying to reach out to you.
> 
> ...


Her mom is a divorcee herself and I think that her bitterness from her own situation tends to spill over and she feels that all troubled marriages are inevitably doomed.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Don't make it so easy. She wants to talk she'll get a hold of you. Stay dark. You need to make her think oh shi* what have i done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

I hear you about her mother, Fandot. My MIL same way, She threw her husband, my W's dad, out when W was only six months old, for cheating on her. She raised my W as a single parent, struggling all those years. A series of failed relationships over the years, where men tried to steal her money, assets. Long story short, she too advocates ending a marriage at the first sign of trouble. And her influence on my W is absolutely toxic. And she would be delighted if W And D returned home to live with her.

Feeling your pain.


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

So, speaking with a good friend earlier today. I told him about an "encounter" that my W and I had last night. Long story short, We hooked up for some really great sex. 

I know, I know a total violation of the 180. She emailed me today and told me that it was the wine, but that she has no regrets and that she really had a lot of fun.

I asked my friend of 20 years, whose counsel and advice I really trust, and who has gone through a very rough patch in his own marriage before, if it sounds like my W is truly done and over our situation and knows what she wants. He sais "Yes and No, Yes she knows what she wants (me back) but is in a mode of trying to save face right now and No, she's not over you."

He sais the best thing right now is to just play it cool, and to handle my biz.

I know I cant base my situation entirely on his but having dealt with a similar situation, I feel like his experience gives him good perspective... 

Any opinions???


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

He is right. Just handle your "biz". Take care of yourself. Keep working on all those things you want to in order to be a better man. Women can have a ton of pride once they say the things they say. It's not about you winning her back. It's about you winning the real you back whatever she decides.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fandot78 said:


> So, speaking with a good friend earlier today. I told him about an "encounter" that my W and I had last night. Long story short, We hooked up for some really great sex.
> 
> I know, I know a total violation of the 180. She emailed me today and told me that it was the wine, but that she has no regrets and that she really had a lot of fun.
> 
> ...


You need to find out what you're up against.


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Dedicated2Her said:


> He is right. Just handle your "biz". Take care of yourself. Keep working on all those things you want to in order to be a better man. Women can have a ton of pride once they say the things they say. It's not about you winning her back. It's about you winning the real you back whatever she decides.


No doubt...some definite good words. Thanks


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> He is right. Just handle your "biz". Take care of yourself. Keep working on all those things you want to in order to be a better man. Women can have a ton of pride once they say the things they say. It's not about you winning her back. It's about you winning the real you back whatever she decides.


He needs to be certain regarding the possible posOM.


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You need to find out what you're up against.


I think that one of the biggest things I'm up against is as Dedicated2Her sais, her pride...who knows


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fandot78 said:


> I think that one of the biggest things I'm up against is as Dedicated2Her sais, her pride...who knows


It's a totally different ballgame if there's a posOM in the picture.


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Conrad said:


> It's a totally different ballgame if there's a posOM in the picture.


No doubt...I certainly understand that. While I certainly cant be oblivious to the possibility. I feel that her recent expressions of concern and then the intimacy factor might indicate some new thinking. I'm certainly NOT assuming ANYTHING. But, I truly do believe that she still cares...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fandot78 said:


> No doubt...I certainly understand that. While I certainly cant be oblivious to the possibility. I feel that her recent expressions of concern and then the intimacy factor might indicate some new thinking. I'm certainly NOT assuming ANYTHING. But, I truly do believe that she still cares...


Keep this in mind.

The men that successfully work reconciliation in this forum have a wife that's still willing to bang them.

The presence of posOM greatly reduces that possibility.

Alcohol, or whatever, it's a good sign she did that. And, while you don't just want to be an occasional booty call for her, it's a good sign going forward.

Do you have access to cell phone, text, email, etc.?


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Keep this in mind.
> 
> The men that successfully work reconciliation in this forum have a wife that's still willing to bang them.
> 
> ...


You know its crazy that you say that...you sound like a lot of my friends that say "Oh you guys will be fine" or "Oh y'all still getting it in? just give it some time then." How is is it that others can be so confident yet I still tend to worry so much about the situation. I mean I'm faithful God will work it out, but I still cant help but get a little anxious sometimes. 

I would just think that if she was completely done, sex wouldn't even be on the table (not literally on the table  ..but you know what I mean) There are still pics of us up all over the house, on the fridge, end tables, bookshelves, including a wedding photo over our bed, Everytime.. I go over expecting to see it taken down but its still there and I know that if it was me, reminders like that would be the first thing to go!! 

As far as text, emails, etc. I dont like to snoop..I learned a long time a go that usually when you go looking for trouble, you tend to find it and I'd really rather not do that to myself, at least not right now...hope that doesnt make me sound too pathetic

Thanks Conrad thats really encouraging though!!


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Just want to say PEACE!!! to all the people on here in the fight along with me right now...and to all that have been holding me down with the good words of advice and support. 

I've been on here less than a week but I can already tell that this is a great resource for those that are going through this difficult time. I'm praying for us all. God will make a way!!! Believe!! 

:smthumbup:


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Just wondering how V-Day is going for everyone...It's been a fairly lonely day of reflection/introspection for me...If anyone wants to get anything off their chest, I'm all eyes...

I couldnt wait to get home....It really sucks to be out and see couples holding hands and doing all the PDA, not just because its V-Day...but because I just wish I was doing the same with my W

I wonder is there a forum like this for the spouses that left...I guess they are too busy out "doing their thing, to be on a site like this"...

Thinking of making one last dash out to grab a good Malbec or Cabernet!! HOLLA @ ME!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fandot78 said:


> Just wondering how V-Day is going for everyone...It's been a fairly lonely day of reflection/introspection for me...If anyone wants to get anything off their chest, I'm all eyes...
> 
> I couldnt wait to get home....It really sucks to be out and see couples holding hands and doing all the PDA, not just because its V-Day...but because I just wish I was doing the same with my W
> 
> ...


Check them out at cheaterville.com


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Check them out at cheaterville.com


No doubt...might just piss me off though...lol


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Having sort of a rough day...the weekends are the loneliest times for me...no work, no school...nowhere to go really...Its crazy because I try not to bother anyone with my problems, I know that everyone has their own problems and I'm getting to the point where I'm beginning to feel bad about continuing to dump my problems on people...I feel like some people just want to tell me to man up and move on...It just feels like the only time I'm doing anything therapeutic is when I'm talking about the situation though...I'm not originally from the town that I live in and a lot of my friends are from out of town, so its hard to connect with friends and hang out...I hate to go places by myself...

My wife and I have hung out twice in the past week (one night was VDay) and both nights have ended with us having sex...Honestly, as GREAT!!! as it is at the time, it really seems to make the situation more confusing when she tells me that her feelings on the situation havent changed (I feel like they have somewhat, but her pride gets in the way) I wont say that I feel used because I know that its something we both enjoy and are doing for each other. Also, if she was done with me I just cant see being able to lay down and be with a person that you claim to have no level of attraction to. We have been getting along great as long as I'm not coming around too much. I've certainly made it a point not to pressure her about reconciling right now...I just try to be very careful about how I proceed and as the 180 states, I've been positive and upbeat..showing her a new, more confident me...She seems to respond well to it...

An honest opinion is needed...During a conversation that we had earlier in the week, she made the statement that sex was never an area where we were lacking...but that emotionally she needed a friendship from me that I wasn't giving her...

My question is this, Is it crazy to think that by us continuing to be intimate, is that her way of kind of leaving the door "cracked" for me and providing me the opportunity to show her that I can be the friend she's always wanted? 

She's a clever girl and she is not going to play her hand, before she knows that my change isn't just for show. Should I just keep giving it some time, take advantage of the opportunities to hang out/make love, play it cool and be as good/sweet to her as she will allow me to be? 

Although, she has been hurtful at times in the 3 months of our separation, she's not a hateful person by nature and I dont believe her intentions are malicious...What y'all think??? Help a brotha out!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fandot,

Most guys that successfully reconcile have wives willing to bang them.

Most guys that end up divorced don't.

Your mileage may vary.

Attraction is something you either have or you don't. Sounds like she's still attracted to you.


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Conrad said:


> fandot,
> 
> Most guys that successfully reconcile have wives willing to bang them.
> 
> ...


Yeah...it's kinda of strange though. She sais that she is done and that I'm basically the one that is keeping things going between us right now...I just feel like thats total crap...At the end of the day, I can only go as far as she allows me to go (otherwise isnt it rape??)and she never seems to have regrets about the decision to have sex...

I guess if I was sexually involved with someone else, I wouldnt be so quick to always oblige her OR initiate with her. But again, I love my wife dearly and Im a righteous man trying honor our marriage..even though its not in the best place right now, and she can be a real jerk to me sometimes.

I already have other women that are interested, and that has only intensified now that they've become aware of my separation...Not to say I'm tempted at all but its just crazy!!

Women can be so hard to understand....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fandot78 said:


> Yeah...it's kinda of strange though. She sais that she is done and that I'm basically the one that is keeping things going between us right now...I just feel like thats total crap...At the end of the day, I can only go as far as she allows me to go (otherwise isnt it rape??)and she never seems to have regrets about the decision to have sex...
> 
> I guess if I was sexually involved with someone else, I wouldnt be so quick to always oblige her OR initiate with her. But again, I love my wife dearly and Im a righteous man trying honor our marriage..even though its not in the best place right now, and she can be a real jerk to me sometimes.
> 
> ...


Actually, breaking the code is why you're here.

But, first, you have to see through you.


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Been a few days since I've logged in...I just wanted to check on everyone and see how everybody is hanging...still trying to see through the fog of it all. Some days you think you see everything so much clearer and then other days you feel so freaking lost...It's crazy how having yourself so wrapped up in another person can be so dangerous to your own well being!!


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