# Sex Abuse



## Balto109 (Jan 28, 2020)

My wife and I have been more open in our communication and the other night she shared with me that she was "almost" raped in college. She told me this guy "A" dragged her into his dorm room by her hand and had her on his bed with her hands pinned behind her while he was on top. My wife didn't share any details except "almost raped" and that he had passed out because he was drunk. I really don't know the extent of what happened because I was being cautious of not asking too much except I know my wife was very troubled by the the event. Nobody should have to experience that. My blood boiled and I felt truly sad and upset for my wife and that she never reported the bastard. This did happen 20 years ago and my wife told me the guys name...she actually googled him and found he's a successful NY Financial Planner and Hedge Fund Operator. My wife did go to therapy before and I guess I'm not sure what to do...It's terrible that this guy got away with this and my wife has had to live with this. I've also seen where it's had an impact in our marriage too. Personally I'd love to see the guy get hit by a bus or mail a nice care package to his wife letting her know what a POS he is. My wife asked me to not do anything and just let it drop.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Listen to your wife. 

You are right, no one should experience that. The way you are feeling about it is normal. But all you can do is be there for her. Let her know that she can talk to you if she wants to. She may want to talk about it but assumes you don't want to hear it, or she may not want to talk about it. Either is fine, as long as she isn't just trying to bury it. Depending on how much is affects your marriage, it may not have been processed enough/properly.

About the guy, there is nothing you can do about it and there is no sense opening that door. I understand the desire to do something, trust me. Opening the door will not do any good. If you make him "pay for it" physically, YOU may be the one behind bars while he goes on with his life. If you tell his wife, chances are she will not believe you. Unless she has doubts, it's just not likely that she will trust some random guy that her husband is a rapist or "almost rapist".


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Power and agency are some of the most important aspects here. 

Meaning, that’s what that guy took away from her. 

So your job now is to help her get it back in regards to this scenario. Having been there, my advice:

1. Your feelings about what happened do not matter. This happened to her, not to you. Don’t put your emotions, even well intentioned, onto her. Instead, be there for her to help support processing her emotions. Be her sounding board. If you need help processing your emotions, seek therapy, don’t ask it from her. 

2. Do not change anything you do with her as a result of this unless she asks you to. She won’t want you to view or treat her any differently, most likely. She’ll be worried you don’t see her the same way (shame) or that you’ll retreat (abandonment). You may think, for example, that she won’t want to be touched, but likely the opposite is true. Same goes with sex. Let her keep her power and agency. 

3. Educate yourself. Read the Body Keeps The Score. Google PTSD and sexual trauma. Become an advocate for your wife and all victims of sexual trauma. Know that most people that come forward aren’t believed in the courts or in society. Truth and belief are powerful things. 

4. Be there for her, listen to her, let her lead. It’s hard sometimes especially as a man to do this, but in regard to this, you must. 

5. Make your peace about the other guy. I don’t know the laws in the US but legally you probably don’t have a leg to stand on, and if you did anything, vigilante justice is really frowned upon. I myself have spent time behind closed doors with police being explicitly clear that if anything happened to the other guy, I’d be the one in jail, not him. You’ll have bouts of rage, despair, powerlessness. You’re going to have to deal with it. Especially when you realize that many if not most women have had to deal with this, and many of the guys you know might have done this to other women in their past. This is a very gendered issue. 

I’m sorry for you and your wife. I’m here if you need me, and I’ve been there. Feel free to PM me.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@Balto109 Was there something in your discussion that led up to this disclosure? You said you've become more "open" lately. What had gone on before? What issues have you had that led to being more open with each other? How long after this did you meet her? 

You mention that your wife has gone to therapy before. Was this the reason? In my wife's case, she's been to a number of therapists and doctors in the past, and fooled every single one of them regarding her real issues. Meaning that it's possible her therapy didn't touch what actually happened to her. 

With appropriate therapy, she can rephrase her view of what happened. The fact that the guy didn't rape her because he passed out first... a therapist might try to get her to see that as her winning the fight against the assailant by keeping him at bay until he passed out. Her actions can be seen as heroic instead of tragic victimization. Maybe.

All the best to you both. Stuff 20 years ago does matter, especially when it's something that we've chosen to not think about.


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