# Dealing with the anger...



## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

It's been a while since I've posted here. My husband and I are a few months away from our nine year marriage anniversary. He has refused to have sex with me our entire marriage. That's right - I have NEVER had sex with my husband of nearly nine years.

The problem is that I love him. (Who would ever have thought that would be the PROBLEM with marriage?) I've thought about leaving him, but I have a million reasons not to do so. Lack of sex aside, we get along very well and have been complimented more times than I can count that we are an exceptionally loving couple. (If only these people knew...)

The problem that really has me stuck right now is that I can't seem to shake the ANGER. It HURTS LIKE HELL that the man I love won't make love with me. It hurts that he does not show any signs that he is attracted to me (except that he says that he is, in a very matter-of-fact way). 

I took up running to deal with the stress, which helped somewhat. I went from being a couch potato to being a marathoner. Seriously. I ran my first marathon a few weeks ago. The thing about running is that I now have to force myself to rest and recover. I've been on an extended rest period after the marathon (you're supposed to give yourself as many days' rest as miles you ran). I'm going BONKERS. I'm constantly swinging back and forth between crushing depression and rage. 

Anger doesn't change anything. Talking doesn't change anything. So I'm not going to scream at my husband (if I can possibly help it). But what can I do? I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING and I'm at my wits end.

How can loving someone hurt this much?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Rejected said:


> Anger doesn't change anything. Talking doesn't change anything. So I'm not going to scream at my husband (if I can possibly help it). But what can I do? I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING and I'm at my wits end.
> 
> How can loving someone hurt this much?


I came to this point in my marriage, too. My H was not interested in having sex with me either. i did yell, scream, tried to talk nicely, do things for him, etc. but nothing worked. I gave up but I also wasnt at a point that i was ready to leave. Instead of leaving I started distancing myself emotionally. I had to accept that my H simply wasnt sexually attracted to me. It happens, right. Not everyone is going to be attracted to you. It did hurt a lot but I accepted that hurt and realized that not everyone that you love is going to love you in return (and not the way you want to be loved). It doesnt make him a bad guy. It's just who he is. I still wanted to stop hurting so I distanced myself and stopped talking about my relationship. I started working on doing things that would help me be more comfortable leaving the relationship. I also stopped doing things that would make me want to have sex with him.


----------



## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I also stopped doing things that would make me want to have sex with him.


How? I am on antidepressants in order to stabilize my mood and they are supposed to have a negative effect on my sex drive. I run, but can only run so much before I risk serious injury. I simply don't understand how to not want to have sex with my husband. Could you please explain what you mean by this?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Female distance runners usually have a lowered libido anyway because of the changes to their body fat and chemistry that distance running entails. Some hardcore types don't have their periods.


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Rejected said:


> That's right - I have NEVER had sex with my husband of nearly nine years.


I realize this is a terribly crass question, but what did you do on your wedding night?


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Or better put before your wedding.
This post just doesnt sound to be true.
Did he have other GFs before you were married.
Has he ever had sex in his life.


----------



## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

I just salute you for being so faithful :thumbsup: Did you ever tried to be romantic with your hubby i mean i bed?


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

yea, i'm wondering also what you did on your wedding night! this is insane, no amount of love can go past this.


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Rejected, you may have a husband and a marriage, but you certainly don't have a relationship. And if you don't have a relationship, then certainly marriage means nothing more than some certificate that you've signed together.

You are nothing more than close friends that live together. Intimacy strengthens the bond between two people which makes a relationship more than just a friendship. You don't have that here, and it sounds like your husband doesn't care to change that despite how much it affects you. So your husband is content living on his one-way street without giving consideration to what your needs are in the relationship. The writing is on the wall here.

You need to start making preparations to leave your husband, despite how much you like him. Without the intimacy and your desire to have it, you will condemn yourself to either a life of pain or a future of infidelity. Either way neither are good goals to accept encountering.

You need to find happiness in your life, you only live it once. If your husband cannot give that to you, then find a man who can.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Rejected said:


> It's been a while since I've posted here. My husband and I are a few months away from our nine year marriage anniversary. He has refused to have sex with me our entire marriage. That's right - I have NEVER had sex with my husband of nearly nine years.


So did y'all ever have sex, like during dating? For 9 years neither of you have had sex? :scratchhead:


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Is there a chance he could be gay? Maybe this could be the reason he is not sexually attracted to you
Just a thought x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It is not normal, or healthy, to be in this relationship. No amount of running is going to overcome how you feel. Leave the marriage and stay friends with him.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> I realize this is a terribly crass question, but what did you do on your wedding night?


In my case Her Majesty was tired cranky cranky cranky tired tired cranky and told me she suddenly and out of the blue and 10 days early started her period, 'because of all the stress'.


----------



## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Is there a chance he could be gay? Maybe this could be the reason he is not sexually attracted to you
> Just a thought x
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wondered if he is gay as well.

But I also agree that this is very strange.

Have you ever had sex at all (prior to getting married)? If not, is he a virgin? Could there be some medical issue that he has never shared with you?

I'm having a hard time figuring out how a person stays in a marriage for nine years without sex occurring even once during that time. I totally understand loving someone, but what you're describing is more like sibling love or a deep, affectionate friendship. 

Normal, healthy men don't just not have sex. If he is healthy and has no medical issues (low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, etc) then I think there is more to this story than you realize (he's gay, he's having an affair, or has intimacy issues and takes care of sex with nameless, meaningless people (prostitutes?).

I'm not trying to be crass either, but even normal, healthy men will have sex with someone they're not particularly attracted to, just to have sex. Even if you 'dont turn him on', so to speak, I can't fathom nine years of him never having approached you once for sex. Something's missing here.


----------



## Well_Spouse (Feb 2, 2011)

Your anger is not going to change till you have an answer why he is like this with you. Medical/Psychological issue he has been unwilling to discuss with you all this time? Or is he A-Sexual/HomoSexual? Perhaps using you as cover to convince friends/relatives he is Hetero?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Rejected said:


> How? I am on antidepressants in order to stabilize my mood and they are supposed to have a negative effect on my sex drive. I run, but can only run so much before I risk serious injury. I simply don't understand how to not want to have sex with my husband. Could you please explain what you mean by this?


You never stop wanting sex with your H, but you get a grip on your sex drive. You have to be in control of where your desire takes you emotionally. Even as I sit here now I would LOVE to just jump my H and go for it. But that's not an option and i accept it, stop it, and move on to something else. I only acknowledged it because i choose to think about it. Had I not been writing this post I wouldn't have even chosen to acknowledge it. Although I can acknowledge my desire, I've learned to stop my thoughts. I could persist in that line of thought and start thinking, 'why doesn't he want me?' or 'It's not right! He should want me!' and maybe go a little further and start feeling sorry for myself thinking, 'why doesnt he love me?' and 'what's wrong with me?' This line of thought will envitably lead to anger, feelings of betrayal, resentment, and then it will become cyclical for you. Anger is the last emotion in a long line of thoughts that you're probably not even aware you're stringing along. 

Stopping your thoughts is not easy by any means. It's a progression of tiny accomplishments. Instead of writing a novel I'll simply tell you a few of the books I read that have helped me tremendously:

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend
Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav
Feeling Good by David Burns
The Power of Now by Earkhart Tolle

There was also another book about how we treat each other like objects but I cannot remember the title. Too bad, too because it was eye-opening for me. I realized I was treating my H like an object for my happiness instead of a humane being who is independent of my needs. 

And of course this forum. 

Also, read a lot about the grieving process. In a real sense you have lost someone.

You've already started by finding a physical outlet so that is great! I started the same way. I also looked at it like i look at any craving that is unhealthy for me, such as my soda and junk food cravings. You might be thinking that craving sex with your H is not unhealthy; but look at what it's doing to you. Your craving is destroying you so it is unhealthy for you. The physical side is only a small part, though. To really conquer this you have to face the emotional part. You'll have bring out in yourself the person who is above all of this and latch on to the part of you who is OK despite all of this.


----------



## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

Wow... a lot of responses since I was last able to check the discussion board. I'll try to answer all the questions, if I miss something, remind me please.

Before the wedding... I was 23 when we married, he was 43. We'd been living in different states, and we'd been traveling as often as possible to see each other. At first, I didn't find it weird that we didn't have sex, though we did sleep in the same bed. Most of our relationship at first had been online and over the phone, and I figured we both needed time to develop the same physical level of comfort that we had emotionally.

Once we were engaged, I started to expect sex, but we were still in separate states. He finally admitted to me that he was a virgin, and wanted to wait until marriage. I thought this was weird, and at first was put off by it, but my husband is a very chivalrous kind of man. It actually fits his personality, and I began to admire him for having the strength to wait as long as he had. I also began to fear that after 43 years of waiting, I wouldn't be able to keep up with him sexually. I expected him to want it ALL THE TIME.

Wedding night... I'd been warned by my sister and some friends not to expect anything the night of the wedding because the events of the day would have us both exhausted. This turned out to be true, and it took all the energy I had, plus help from hubby, just to get out of the layers upon layers of fabric, boning, and various contraptions that we commonly think of as a wedding dress. We collapsed into bed. Literally. I slept face-down with my feet hanging off the bed. Thought nothing of it.

The entire next day I thought about sex though, and expected it that night. We spent the day traveling. We drove 12 hours to our honeymoon destination. I was willing, and felt disappointed when he didn't, but hey, we'd driven 12 freakin' hours. I wasn't going to take it personally. 

Then I came down with a virus. I spent our entire honeymoon puking.

At first there were "reasons" why we didn't have sex, and I let them pass. But after I recovered from the virus, after we settled into our new home, still nothing happened. I have had sexual experience before, but none that I would consider particularly "healthy." I was repeated raped by a stepfather when I was between the ages of 10 and 12. (Don't feel sorry for me. He went to jail. I went through a crap puberty, and became a much stronger adult.) I did the usual fooling around in high school. Nothing much in college - I had to work two jobs to pay full-time tuition, and I had nothing left over to even think about dating.

I have considered the possibility that he might be gay, but I have found zero evidence of it, and I really don't get the sense that that is the problem. I found quite the collection of Playboy-type porn in one of his storage areas from his college days. He confessed to me that he was once mortified because one of his fraternity brothers walked in on him masturbating to porn. I wanted to keep the porn, so that we could share it together and I could learn what kinds of things excited him, but he insisted that I burn it. He wouldn't even let me just throw it into a dumpster... it had to be burned.

I have tried everything I can think of to entice him to have sex with me. Lingerie, tried to engage him in roll play, told him (after no small amount of consideration) that WHATEVER he was into, I would try it with an open mind. I thought maybe he had some particular inclination that he was ashamed of... no dice. I lost weight (a side effect of all the running, but I now have a body that gets me hit-on regularly). I am willing to do ANYTHING. But nothing has worked....


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

This is really no joke at all.
You seem to be saying he has never had sex at all in his life and somehow cant start now. 
First of all why has it taken you nine years. You still havent told his excuse. He MUST have one.


----------



## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

He says he doesn't really know. He tells me that he does want sex, but feels he "must be afraid or something." He tells me he doesn't know what it is that he is afraid of. He says he knows that he can trust me, and knows that I love him and won't reject him. He hasn't given me any real, concrete reason. We went through marriage counseling, and even our therapist couldn't really get a handle on his issues.

He tells me that he is willing to talk to our general practitioner, but to date has not done so. I've considered talking to our doctor about it, but without my husband's consent I feel like this might be a betrayal. I have NO desire to embarrass him. I respect him. But I'm not sure what else to do.

Would it be a betrayal to speak with our doctor behind his back? And even if I were to talk to the doctor, how could the doctor run any tests without his consent?


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Oh look no need to be so dramatic about it. You have had sex before you know what its like. Surely you must be able to explain it to him. Tell him to try it out. As simple as that. Tell him also it may not go the first time. Dont be too hard on him. 
Why is it so hard to get him to try it out.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Rejected said:


> Would it be a betrayal to speak with our doctor behind his back? And even if I were to talk to the doctor, how could the doctor run any tests without his consent?


Honestly, I think you are thinking about the wrong kind of doctor that is needed.

I think you need a really good therapist, like a sex therapist, or a psychiatrist - someone that works more with the mind so you can figure out why your husband has such a fear that he could be married at 43 as a virgin and now be over 50 years old and married and still not want to be intimate and still never having been intimate, and for you - as to why you would stay in a situation where there's a total lack of intimacy and concern for your needs and desires in the marriage since day one.

Best wishes.


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Just as a counter-point and perspective on all this, Tim Gunn (Project Runway) has revealed he hasn't had sex in 29 years, and he's okay with that.

Project Runway's Tim Gunn: "I Haven't Had Sex in 29 Years!" - Yahoo! TV

I don't know if he's had any partners in that time, but evidently it can be done.


----------



## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm glad for Tim Gunn's sake that he is happy with his life as it is. It sounds like as long as celebacy is a choice that you make for yourself, it can be quite healthy. When it is imposed upon you when you'd rather not be celebate, it is much harder to find happiness.


----------



## duchesspink (Jan 28, 2012)

can I ask if you ever wanted children together or has this just never happened for you because of the sex refusal?

I've just found this site tonight because I recently started a private blog about my celibate marriage. I went through everything you have except we did have a lot of sex prior to our marriage. It just stopped the day we married.

I tolerated it for 3 years and now i've left. I had to for the sake of my own sanity. Have you ever spoken to friends or family about this?

I think your husband is a selfish prick, how dare he do this to you and especially when he is seeing the effect it is having on you.

the big question is, how can you be in love with someone that you now resent so much?

you can pm me if you want to hear more about my story and how it happened with me. Its too long to write about here but honestly you need to consider your own happiness and future.


----------



## Rejected (Dec 26, 2011)

Duchesspink, thank you for your reply! One of the strangest things is that we BOTH want children. And he obviously knows what has to happen in order to make this a reality. But something always holds him back. 

My husband is not a cruel man. I didn't have sex in mind when I married him. I had assumed that it would happen, that my intimacy needs would be fulfilled, but it didn't. I married him because he is a very kind man. He's very intelligent. He's every bit the dork I am, and unlike most men, he doesn't glaze over when I start to ramble about Shakespeare or some other literature. He's unfailingly kind and considerate of others. He'll offer his seat to a lady on a bus. He opens doors for everyone. He's passionate about his work. He loves his work and does it because he believes strongly in it, though I used to tease him because it is generally considered boring work. 

When I married him, I hadn't given a though to sex because I'd always been taught by my very matriarchal family that the one thing that you could ALWAYS count on about a man is that they ALWAYS want sex. I took it for granted. So I realized that later on down the line, when we're both old and falling apart, we'll still have plenty to talk about. Our personalities, as different as they are, mesh very well. We've had strangers on the street stop us to comment on what a "loving couple" we are. That's how well we get along otherwise!

I can overlook other troublesome quirks. My husband is messy, I'm a neatfreak. But I realize that most people are somewhere in the middle, and dealing with some extra crumbs and clothing stains are a minor price to pay for a man who can't say no to an animal in need of a home. 

All of our other problems I can deal with rationally. But the lack of sex.... I have these hormones that keep drilling into my brain no matter I hard I try to ignore them. I can't figure out how to cope with them. Our therapist assured me that I should not take this personally, that my husband clearly has a problem and that it has nothing to do with me. But it is very hard not to take it personally when you realize that the person you loves the most finds you so completely resistable.

I am devoted to this man. He is without a doubt the most honorable person I know, and is my best friend. But all the things about him that make me love him and respect him are the things that make me want to connect with him sexually as well. No matter how well we get along otherwise, I feel like there is always something keeping us apart. It's a lonely feeling.


----------



## duchesspink (Jan 28, 2012)

rejected, My husband was the most wonderful loving man too. I feel terrible that I've left him and when he came here to collect his belongings in september, I cried for most of the weekend. 

I hugged and kissed him and he asked me not to think of him as a horrible man, I never thought of him as that but I told him that every refusal he made, just chipped another piece out of my heart and soul. I left because I couldn't tolerate the pain I was going through on a daily basis and I left because I turned 37 and was at the crossroads in life where i have possibly 3 - 5 years left to have a chance at starting a family, or waste those years waiting for him to decide to have sex with me.

For me the final straw was that I told him that many people take years to conceive, that at my age I would have a high risk of miscarriage, birth defects etc and the sooner we started to try for a baby the better. He wanted the baby but wouldn't step up to the plate and have the sex needed to create it.

I was putting my own needs aside and focusing on the baby thing but every day I was wanting and craving to be touched sexually and I don't care what anyone says to me now, my husband that I loved inside and out, didn't love me as much as he should have. He couldn't love me if he was prepared to sit and watch the mental anguish I was going through because of his refusal for sex.

I couldn't keep an animal in mental torture like that and rejected... it is mental torture.

Please please please put yourself first. You don't have a marriage if you aren't happy and both parties aren't working to make it happen


----------



## jekyllnhyde (Jan 28, 2012)

Moral of the story:

Always try before you buy.


----------



## duchesspink (Jan 28, 2012)

didn't work for me jekyll. I tried for 6 years before I "bought" and obviously there was a problem once the wedding was over


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

jekyllnhyde said:


> Moral of the story:
> 
> Always try before you buy.


Buy the extended warranty?


----------



## Spock (Jan 26, 2012)

I almost fell off of my chair when I read your post. And I thought I had seen it all.

There’s only one thing left to do in this marriage. Get him to a sex therapist. If he refuses to see a sex therapist or if the therapist is unable to help him, time for you to move on.

You likely need intensive counseling/ therapy to deal with the scars of an almost decade long forced celibacy as well.

I’m so sorry.


----------



## jekyllnhyde (Jan 28, 2012)

something about that wedding cake....


----------



## cam44 (Feb 10, 2012)

this is sad. What would happen if you physically push yourself on him. If he were to come out of the shower and you just knelt down in front of him and started giving him oral how could that not turn into a raging erection and either just finish things right there or go to the bed?
What would he do ? would he yell or run away? or when he's lying in bed, tell him tonight he has to sleep with nothing on. Even if he falls asleep, go down on him ... I can't believe this could be difficult ... 
have you seen his penis -- does he have all of his parts intact?


----------



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

My husband is similar. Never wants sex and no explanation. I too thought he must have a weird fetish and once he confessed, we'd have great sex all the time. I've also offered him "anything." As far as I know he's not gay... so... I can only conclude there are guys out there with willing, attractive partners who just don't want sex.  My husband hasn't changed in 16 years... chances are yours won't either, not with a behavior pattern this entrenched, and not at his age.


----------

