# Is this an Emotional Affair - Am I stupid to worry?



## concernedme (May 3, 2010)

Me and my wife recently got married after a 3 year old relation. We have had our ups and downs with arguments and misunderstandings. However, it all culminated into a happy marriage with no problems from either of the families. We thought that we are on the verge of a new beginning.

However, things seem to have changed after marriage. Ever since our return to work, she has bonded tremendously with a male office colleague. She started spending a lot of time smsing, chatting or talking with her male friend, at the expense of the time she should spend with me, after work. When confronted, it was “just friends” reply that I got. She has shared all her misgivings with her friend and also told him that I had raised questions. 

There were times when they used to argue and she used to vent her anger towards me. I have never seen her try to pacify me the way in which she did to this person, whenever they had some kind of an argument. There were time when she would decide that the guy is not worth it and then again get back to him and start their “friendship”.

It looks to me that she needs this guy a lot and really values the “friendship” even at my expense.

Earlier, our cell phones used to be mutual property, suddenly her phone has become very personal. She even carries it to the washroom.

Am I wrong in what I am feeling? What should I do? Please help me cure this hollow feeling inside me.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I think you have a right to be concerned. 

Are your phones on the same plan? Can you get a copy of the numbers she has been calling/receiving calls from/ texting etc. I would get a hold of that phone.

Read some of the other posts, you will see a lot of "Just Friends".


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'd say something is going on, my husband starting plugging in his phone right beside him on the night stand, he never let it out of his site, even the bathroom....
I found out after months of doing this that he was in the middle of an affair with some woman he worked with.....
Listen to your gut instincts they are usually right....get the phone records, my husband had 1200 text messages to her # in a 3 month period.....he finally admitted to the affair when the proof was there......The OW's husband got a hold of her phone and saw the texts from my husband and all hell broke loose....he knew before I did......the affair wasn't that much fun any more when the two of them were exposed and now two families were suffering from their selfishness.....
My husband also said she was just a friend at first.......B***sh**
keep checking and tell him it's him or you........it makes you uncomfortable and it's taking away from your relationship.....


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## concernedme (May 3, 2010)

I know for a fact that it is this guy all her sms' or chats or calls are directed to. If I ask her why she questions my faith in her and confronts me with if I don't have trust why did I marry in the first place.

All this has made me feel guilty of questioning her. But there are many noticeable differences:

Keeping the phone personal and deleting all sms and call records

A strange and uncomfortable silence whenever we have to spend time together, like in the car

No other conversations apart from the bank, job, grocery, shopping stuffs

We have not had a straight from the heart, fearless laugh for some time now

An awkward feeling if I sit next to her when she is on the internet - as if I am unwelcome

I walk in a daze these days man, the sinking feeling is really killing me......we have gone to such great extents to bring our marriage to a success; and NOW?


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## concernedme (May 3, 2010)

Thanks Jessi, I have brought this me or him equation......

Her reply was...... why r u trying to tie me down, I cannot be your slave, I have my own life.

I swear on her and anything tht is sacred to me, I have not faltered and even thought my life without her even for once in our relation.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

The more you write, the more I think you have something to worry about. 

If some of what she is doing is on the computer, get a key logger.

Just be careful especially if you tend to obsess over things.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yes you need to be worried. Very worried. First off you do not bag on your spouse to someone of the opposite sex. That's it. Then they become your confidant and an emotional relationship ensues. You need to key logger the computer. And pull your phone records to see just how much she is texting and talking to him. If it is more then you, Bingo, big problem. You need to sit her down with the phone records and if it is as bad as I think. Tell her to choose. Don't let her mix you up with "don't you trust me?" Tell her,

"The fact is, whether I trust you or not is not the issue. The issue is you are spending your time, effort and emotion with another man. He has eclipsed me in your mind and heart. I do not accept this and need you to choose by tomorrow, who you want to be with. No arguments, no debate. You decide now who it's going to be. Me or him. I am not mad, but I am not going to waste MY time, effort and emotion on someone who is not equally committed. End of story. If its him. You need to find other living arrangements. If its me. All contact with him ends. That's right none. And you look for another job or quit. These are what I and the marriage demand. The clock is ticking."

You would not have to go to these measures if she had not put him in your place. If she chooses you, you need to pony up and make it worth it for her. That means time, effort and emotion. So maybe you should think about it too.


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## concernedme (May 3, 2010)

Thanks for the suggestions.....

How I wish all my fears are false. I will be devastated and won't know what I may end up doing if they come out to be true.

Last night my sleep was filled with nightmares of the two making out on one hand and on the other, Nightmares of a violent reaction from me.

I am sleep deprived, can't put my head to work.

I want to call her up and talk to her for hours about our lives, our love and all the good things we have done. I want to beg her for her love. 

Instead, all I am doing is cringing from within.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

You wife is having an emotional affair. An affair is defined as "...acting in a way so that affection and loyalty are not committed and dedicated to a private person to whom loyalty is due; not adhering to promises (vows)..." Think 'forsaking all others...')

When your wife questions your 'loyalty' ("...If I ask her why she questions my faith in her and confronts me with if I don't have trust why did I marry in the first place.

All this has made me feel guilty of questioning her...")

She is playing on your emotions to keep you quiet while she deepens her relationship with this Other Man. 

So let me ask you - why do you choose to feel guilty? SHE is the one having the affair, not you! SHE is the one turning to another person to receive the things she should be getting from you!

There are steps you can take to win back your marriage - and things you can do to make it better. 

The first thing you need to do is face one simple fact: _*if this activity continues, your marriage WILL end.*_ It is already falling apart, as evidenced by the changes you mentioned. 

Next time she mentions "...if I don't have trust why did I marry in the first place...." say, 'yes, I've been thinking a similar thought - why would I want to be married to a woman who is willing to cheat on me?'

Now - for work to do: 

Why Affairs Start

7 Steps to Ending An Affair

Be prepared for strange reactions, anger, and possibly even some distance between you two. But keep this in mind: is your marriage worth some work? If so, keep in mind that it is the MARRIAGE you are fighting for - and that it is sick - the affair is a symptom - and you have found a great website to get the tools you need to help it recover - and even more importantly - to get it to a stronger place than it ever was before.


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Now playing: Eric Clapton - Hold On
via FoxyTunes


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are going to have to first print out the evidence of the texting of the emotinal affair; then confront her with the evidence and ask her to stop contacting him period; if she refuses, you sit down and call her parents and siblings and best friends, and tell them that she is having an emotional affair and your marriage is at stake, and ask them for help.

Warning: An EA is JUST as dangerous to a marriage as a physical affair - if it isn't ALREADY physical.

Find out HIS contact information - wife, friends, siblings, parents (if he's young) - and call THEM at the same time. Tell them he's having an affair with a married woman and ask them to help you save your marriage.

Once they know that all their 'important people' know, the EA will lose some of its excitement; it will become nasty and embarrassing. 

Only THEN can you ever get your marriage back.

If you DON'T do this, you have already LOST your marriage. So you have nothing to lose.


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## concernedme (May 3, 2010)

Taking this to the public will obviously taint her and embarrass her to no end.

I hope there is some other way out where the two of us can win back the marriage.

I would hate to throw dirt on her, in public. Will she be able to smile after I do anything of that sort??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That is why I say that you have to get the evidence, and then ASK her to stop. You are giving her the opportunity to end it.

If she throws that back in your face, it is your DUTY to your marriage to fight the affair. SHE has messed with the sanctity of your marriage, not you. Now it's your turn to fix it. There would be no exposure to make, if she hadn't fallen into an affair. Remember, this is because of HER actions, not yours.

Every betrayed husband says the same thing. And I always say this:

Your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive another man.

This is NOT the 'public' - it is her closest friends and family, those who will be disappointed, yes, but who will rally around her IF she gives up the affair and admits she made a mistake. That is why you choose those people. 

On the OM's side, who gives a flip if he can ever smile again?


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

Unfortunately, this mirrors what happened to me, my wife carrying her phone everywhere, toilet, bath etc.

When confronted - he`s just a friend, the more you are able to dig, the more hurtful things you will find!

This is wrong, though I am very bitter.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Taking this to the public will obviously taint her and embarrass her to no end.
> 
> I hope there is some other way out where the two of us can win back the marriage.
> 
> I would hate to throw dirt on her, in public. Will she be able to smile after I do anything of that sort??


Everyone seems to start with the same opinion: when they hear the word 'expose' (the affair) the automatic conclusion is that the Loyal Spouse is supposed to call the newspapers, rent a float for the parade, and walk up and down the street telling every stranger they meet that their spouse is a horrible, evil, vile, and worthless person.

It has nothing to do with that. At all.

The POINT of exposure is to enlist the aid of those who have influence over the Disloyal Spouse - people who are considered wise, helpful, loving, etc., and will confront the Disloyal Spouse with the idea that what they are doing is wrong, encourage them to return to the marriage and begin working on it, and also to be a comfort to the Loyal Spouse, who feels very alone and unwanted during this time.

This is not throwing dirt on your spouse. In fact, it is hard to imagine how telling the truth can be 'dirt.' The Disloyal Spouse is doing something that they know is wrong, and if it comes to the exposure stage, it means that not only do they know it is wrong, but the are continuing to do it.

Suppose you found out that your spouse was addicted to some sort of drug. You asked them to stop, and they do not. Would you consider it 'throwing dirt' on them 'in public' if you went to someone else for help? Is not 'the dirt' the addiction in the first place - that which you are trying to get rid of?

Will she be 'able to smile' after her parents find out she had an affair. Of course she will! It's not the end of the world!

But the affair WILL end the marriage! Which do you choose? Momentary embarrassment for your spouse, or the end of your marriage?

Keep in mind that exposure is a step in the process of recovery - and it IS NOT THE FIRST STEP!

Steps to recovering a marriage.

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Now playing: Hiroshima - No. 9
via FoxyTunes


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## concernedme (May 3, 2010)

Hi Tanelornpete, Your suggestions seems to be the fabled light at the end of the tunnel. Before I go to the extremes. I was thinking of finding out how they spend time at work. Would that give me some clues, confirmations or (hopefully) relaxations?

She has a lady friend in office who has helped me take care of her when she has had an asthma attack a couple of times. Should I try and take her into confidence? Though, my first priority would be to ensure that this does not become a hot topic at her work - "Doubting Husband trying to snoop into wife's routine"


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## concernedme (May 3, 2010)

Hi Sadman, finding a person at the same situation is saddening and at the same time encouraging.

Please let me know where ur relation is placed, at the moment. And also if you took any steps and what were the reults out of it?


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## concernedme (May 3, 2010)

Her need for me has reached an all time low.

I got to know from her mom that she is facing some big trouble related to work and some office gossip in office. This trouble is on for the past week and I know about it now.

When I asked her this, she said I did not feel like I will be getting any worthwhile advice from you.

On the other hand, the other guy is counselling her like anything.

I HAVE BECOME THE 3RD PERSON NOW!!!!!!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe the other guy is what the work gossip is ABOUT.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Yes, she is that is this is pretty much what happen to me exactly but then it took a very ugly turn the last 3 months. He started to sneak around to meet her and even disappeared for 3 hours for dinner(lied to me where she was) Then he brought her to a movie, dinner, ice cream with our child and then I caught him texting things that were NOT OK....I found this on accident because he has been very diligent for deleting everything. 

My heart goes out to you I can say an emotional affair seems to hurt more then just going out for a 1 night stand....or atleast it does in my case. I


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