# Dealing with Addicted Husband and Currently in a Trial Separation



## dburger82 (Dec 22, 2017)

Let me start off by saying that I'm new to this forum but I actually decided to join because I read another person's situation that made me feel as though I was reading a script from my own life. And I apologize in advance because this post is very long since I haven't been able to say a lot of these words out loud before.

I've been with my husband for about 13 years, and about 5 years ago we got married. I've dealt with his addiction since we have been together about 6 months into our relationship, but in reality he had been addicted since he was 15, yet I didn't have any clue of this when I first met him.

Over the last 13 years, I've stood by him with the hopes that my unwavering support would help him. He used to hole him self up into rooms and almost booby trap the entrance way so nobody could get in because that's how paranoid he got when he was using. He had a lot income coming in but a lot of it ended up being wasted on drugs. There was a time in his life that he had to go through drug court, so as a result he would order spice or other types of research chemicals online, but this caused him to become paranoid to a whole different level and the withdrawal symptoms from these things were way worse than anything we have ever experienced.

Once we were able to get him off of this, he still ended up using, but the incidents involving him barricading himself in rooms all but disappeared. It seemed like he was starting to get a handle on his addiction, but a few years back he experienced his father's death due to cancer and the death of his best friend due to a drug overdose. Since then, he hasn't used as frequently, but when he does use he goes into a rabbit hole where he spends thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars and is gone for some times a week or 2 on end before I can get ahold of him again.

Back in the early part of 2017, he was in jail for 4 months due to drugs. I told him that if he used again when he got out that that was going to be the end of our marriage. Since that point he is gone on 4 major drug binges, each one worse than the last. 2 of these incidences ago, I started distancing myself from him and started basically maintaining a separate life, only to interact with him the very few times that he was home and didn't decide to sleep away from the house. The last one was so bad that he used my debit card and set up accounts through money gram and Western Union to have money transferred out of my account because I all but eliminated any access he had to our money. I esentially spent the entire night calling up different credit institutions and both of these service sites to have my information and my debit card blocked so he couldn't continue to do this.

This past Monday he suggested we go on a trial separation through the end this month and revisit our situation in January. I found myself looking at information on separation and divorce in New York State, and when I think about my future, hes not in it anymore. I honestly can't think of him and have any trust or respect for him, and I truly feel like I don't love him anymore. I have scheduled a counseling appointment for January and hopefully I can heal from this whole process.

Thanks for reading this entire post. It definitely felt good getting these words out. I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't know how I let it get this bad for so long.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I think you have made a well thought through decision to separate from him. Please don’t give him another chance. You have done so before and it hasn’t worked. 

Honestly I don’t think you can help him. He has to want to quit himself. This is beyond you to help. Unfortunately you cannot love him into sobering. He doesn’t love you. The drugs make him incapable of loving anyone except himself. He cannot focus on you when he’s focused on his next fix. 

Please don’t even consider a trial separation. I’m afraid you will go back to him. It sounds like you have done so many times before. Go straight to divorce.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Anything less than a divorce filing is insanity.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Get out and don't look back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, you now this is crazy. You've put up with his addiction for way too long. You cannot fix him. Only he can.

So get on with your life. See a lawyer and get the divorce started.


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## dburger82 (Dec 22, 2017)

Update...

I got some contact information from my uncle on the attorney my other uncle used for his divorce. Waiting to hear back but supposedly she's really good and not expensive... double positive here.

I realize that I need to keep him away from me and my 16-year-old son. When I talk to him about this in January, I'll be requesting a neutral public place to talk away from my home, and I'm going to let him know I'm hirijng an attorney. Fortunately, I have family that will be able to help me with the lawyer costs. 

I guess I've known for a while this is the road that I'll need to go down, but I think I needed to hear it from other people to make me realize this is the right decision.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You might want to wait to tell him until you have hired an attorney and are ready to file for divorce. That way you have time to get your finances and other legal issues organized.


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## dburger82 (Dec 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You might want to wait to tell him until you have hired an attorney and are ready to file for divorce. That way you have time to get your finances and other legal issues organized.


He is under the impression that taking a brief separation is enough, even though I told him I will need more time than that. The biggest thing about my finances is that several things he will be responsible for is actually in either my name or both mine and his mother's name. In order to get this squared away, he needs to know that is my plan. He has called me once since Monday, and because of how he phrased certain things in our conversation, I don't think he will be shocked when I tell him we are done. We are not bitter towards one another so I don't see this as an issue. I planned on trying to talk to the attorney next week and getting things rolling with whatever she recommends but I don't plan on telling him anything until I speak to the attorney first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good.

Does he have a job and earn an living?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## dburger82 (Dec 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Good.
> 
> Does he have a job and earn an living?


Yes he does and has enough money to live off of with his pay check.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The deal was if he used drugs again, then you were through with the marriage. He used again, marriage is over....next question. I am not being mean, but you are not doing him any favors by staying with him. You have been overly kind and nothing has worked, the drug is more important to him than your marriage. Frankly, I doubt the divorce will not stop him from trying to woo you back, but don't do that, don't let him be your addiction. I don't think that he is the kind of person that your 16 year old son should be around.


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## dburger82 (Dec 22, 2017)

VFW said:


> The deal was if he used drugs again, then you were through with the marriage. He used again, marriage is over....next question. I am not being mean, but you are not doing him any favors by staying with him. You have been overly kind and nothing has worked, the drug is more important to him than your marriage. Frankly, I doubt the divorce will not stop him from trying to woo you back, but don't do that, don't let him be your addiction. I don't think that he is the kind of person that your 16 year old son should be around.


I broke it to him on Christmas Eve that I didn't want to work it out. I wasn't planning saying anything to him until I contacted a lawyer this week. But he asked the question so I answered. He knows I'm going to hire an attorney (he mentioned he was first) but he doesn't know that it will be as soon as the end of this week. We already began divvying up who is responsible for what bills, and he has said to me on several occasions that I will get the house and he will get the RV. 

He's away at his sister's and brother-in-law's house with a bunch of his family (many of which are lawyers) and he has started to say things like "well I'm giving you the house and I get the RV, but the house has more equity and I want to eventually be reimbursed for the equity for my portion of the mortgage I paid over the last 5 years". Definitely know he's getting all sorts of advice from his non-divorce attorney lawyer relatives. I finally got a hold of the lawyer my Uncle recommended, who did a fantastic job with my other Uncle's divorce, and I am supposed to call and set up an appointment with her secretary tomorrow morning after 8:30am. As soon as the clock hits 8:30am, I will be on the phone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope your appointment with the lawyer goes well.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Does all of his friends/family/employer know about his addiction? Did you keep this a big secret?

I think just about everyone deserves a second or third chance. We're all humans and make mistakes. My fiancee was hiding hard drugs and I cancelled the wedding, but still with her to give her another chance. But this guy is not going to get healthy with you enabling him. You need to divorce ASAP. Then get into IC (individual counseling) to figure out why you have allowed this in you and your son's life for the last 13 years. Any ideas why you didn't kick him to the curb years ago and are still hesitating on going through with the divorce?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You’ve already been put through enough hell by him! Don’t sign up for more by staying!

File for divorce and don’t even think about looking back in the rear view mirror!*


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## dburger82 (Dec 22, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Does all of his friends/family/employer know about his addiction? Did you keep this a big secret?
> 
> I think just about everyone deserves a second or third chance. We're all humans and make mistakes. My fiancee was hiding hard drugs and I cancelled the wedding, but still with her to give her another chance. But this guy is not going to get healthy with you enabling him. You need to divorce ASAP. Then get into IC (individual counseling) to figure out why you have allowed this in you and your son's life for the last 13 years. Any ideas why you didn't kick him to the curb years ago and are still hesitating on going through with the divorce?


I totally agree that we are all human and make mistakes. I know I am not perfect, so that is why I tried for so long. A handful of his family members (mother, recently-passed father, sister, brother-in-law, a few aunts, uncles, and cousins) all know he has had issues with drugs. About 7 years ago, we even put him into in-patient rehab down in Mississippi, but that didn't stick either. I was adamant that if I showed him enough support, that I could help him beat this. He is very good at knowing what to say to get me to doubt myself, and I almost felt like I was going crazy over the years. Now I know it had more to do with his manipulations and less to do with me going crazy. 

I have let him in our lives for 13 years honestly because I thought I could save him. As I saw the frequency decrease, I started to gain hope that we were making progress. I understand that this is a disease, that while it was his choice to initially pick up the drug, once it has you it is almost impossible to stop. I have definitely decided on following through with the divorce, and I am not turning back. Since I told him I was not willing to work this out any longer, I have almost felt as though a giant weight has been lifted off of me. I definitely plan on getting into counseling to get to the bottom of why I let it go on so long, as well as getting my son through counseling. I did shield him from as much as I could over the years, but I know he has known there isn't something right with my soon-to-be ex-husband for quite some time now.


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## dburger82 (Dec 22, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *You’ve already been put through enough hell by him! Don’t sign up for more by staying!
> 
> File for divorce and don’t even think about looking back in the rear view mirror!*


Definitely! I see the lawyer on the 9th and we will go from there. I would have liked to get in sooner, but she is super booked until then.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

dburger82,

You are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. Everyone is different on how long it takes to get there. Yeah, it took you around 13 years to get there. No shame in that, but you need to have boundaries and enforce them. Some people feel stuck and never have the courage to pull the plug and live a life of misery and regret. Don't be that person. You're still young and have a second chance at life. Get excited for the new feelings and events that are about to happen for you. Work on yourself. Find a therapist today and book an appointment. Hit the gym 5x a week and get into the best shape of your life. A 100% healthy diet and only drink water from now on. It's time to start over and be the best you can be.

Finally, the most important, you need to join a Nar-Anon support group. Find one today and free your schedule to attend weekly. This will be your new source for support and answers. 

Find a Meeting ? Nar-Anon Family Groups

If you don't have any near you, find a Ala-Non meeting instead. These groups are the best thing for you right now.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

When I took my wife out for our first date I told her a relationship with me had three legs to hold it up. She had to stay clean of hard drugs, never hurt our children, and always give me hot sex.

Drug addiction is a killer. Most people I have seen addicted to drugs did horrible things to themselves and other people, and ended up dead sooner rather than later. The first death from drug addiction I saw was in Junior High School. And the terrors along the way make death an inviting prospect, perhaps.

I would not tolerate it.

I did know a couple of heroin addicts who were clean for a while, but I didn't continue to know them, and I never trusted they would stay clean. I knew their family, and I know their family certainly had no faith. Would faith have helped? I don't know. I saw heroin addicts prayed over who were told God loved them and everyone in the church was behind them and they still fell off the wagon.

I could never trust an addict in any way. Especially after meeting meth heads. Dear God. I would always fear they would sell my children into prostitution just to get another fix.

Stay strong. Be well.


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## dburger82 (Dec 22, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> You are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.


This statement resonates with me on a level I didn't think was possible. This is absolutely the truth. And I will keep reminding myself of this if I ever start to become weak in my resolve.


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