# DDay Anniversary-what do you do?



## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

Not sure how to handle this. Do you openly talk about what happened or just carry on like it is another day? Every time I get sad-thinking about what my husband was doing a year ago-he gets angry and defensive or just ignores me until I'm no longer sad. I have realized he is just not capable of offering comfort-but don't know how to mask my emotions. I have quit asking questions as they just sparked arguments and accusations that I haven't healed and that I have ruined our progress. I'm just worried that I will not be able to hide what I'm feeling and am really not looking forward to him getting mad at me because I am sad. 

As I sit here typing-I know many of you will say that I am in a false r and I would agree. He continuously lied to me, he is still not telling me everything, he blamed me for the affairs-saying he didn't think I loved him, refuses joint marriage counseling, and so much more. However, he is far kinder to me than he ever was-if I can find a way to get past this pain-the quality of my life would be so much better. It's so ironic that I have live with emotional and verbal abuse for over 23 years-and was able to get past it all-and yet I can't get past his infidelity.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Why are you still with him? I'm missing something.

What has he done for you?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If he was truly remorseful, he would not be getting upset when you get sad/trigger. Shame on him.

Are you sure he deserves you and the gift you are giving him of R?

You are correct. I believe you are in false R.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You could celebrate your 1-year anniversary by doing a hard 180 and letting him know you are done putting up with his sh!t. If he doesn't like it, show him the door.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Annesnerl said:


> Not sure how to handle this. Do you openly talk about what happened or just carry on like it is another day? Every time I get sad-thinking about what my husband was doing a year ago-he gets angry and defensive or just ignores me until I'm no longer sad. I have realized he is just not capable of offering comfort-but don't know how to mask my emotions. I have quit asking questions as they just sparked arguments and accusations that I haven't healed and that I have ruined our progress. I'm just worried that I will not be able to hide what I'm feeling and am really not looking forward to him getting mad at me because I am sad.
> 
> As I sit here typing-I know many of you will say that I am in a false r and I would agree. He continuously lied to me, he is still not telling me everything, he blamed me for the affairs-saying he didn't think I loved him, refuses joint marriage counseling, and so much more. However, he is far kinder to me than he ever was-if I can find a way to get past this pain-the quality of my life would be so much better. It's so ironic that I have live with emotional and verbal abuse for over 23 years-and was able to get past it all-and yet I can't get past his infidelity.



So much of your story is mine, though no emotional or verbal abuse for years. Just the treatment following the affair. Little remorse but, but a lot of kindness than ever now... the two dont mesh... 

I dont understand why it hurts soo much more for the bs & we have to give so much more to heal. My h reacts so like you describe yours. I feel as you do, I don't know if I can get past the infidelity. 

How long have you been working on R? 

~sammy


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Talk. It's the only way you can move ahead.

If you can't talk openly, then I think you are finished. It will eat away at you.

Set aside some time to talk about it. Everyone is different and your spouse may need warning; some prefer to just get on with it.

Don't ignore the anniversary if it bothers you at all. Talk about it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You treat the day like it is any other day in the week. 

Anniversaries are a just a nostalgic construct. Go on with the day like it is any other. Mind over matter.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You treat the day like it is any other day in the week.
> 
> Anniversaries are a just a nostalgic construct. Go on with the day like it is any other. Mind over matter.


The world according to this doctrine:










Trust me, talk about it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Annesnerl said:


> Not sure how to handle this. Do you openly talk about what happened or just carry on like it is another day? Every time I get sad-thinking about what my husband was doing a year ago-he gets angry and defensive or just ignores me until I'm no longer sad. *I have realized he is just not capable of offering comfort-but don't know how to mask my emotions. I have quit asking questions as they just sparked arguments and accusations that I haven't healed and that I have ruined our progress.* I'm just worried that I will not be able to hide what I'm feeling and am really not looking forward to him getting mad at me because I am sad.
> 
> As I sit here typing-I know many of you will say that I am in a false r and I would agree. He continuously lied to me, he is still not telling me everything, he blamed me for the affairs-saying he didn't think I loved him, refuses joint marriage counseling, and so much more. However, he is far kinder to me than he ever was-if I can find a way to get past this pain-the quality of my life would be so much better. It's so ironic that I have live with emotional and verbal abuse for over 23 years-and was able to get past it all-and yet I can't get past his infidelity.


I would respectfully argue that the blameshifting is still emotional abuse of a sort. A BS cannot recover by him/herself: the WS has to do lots of work too. I think that what you are having trouble getting past is not the infidelity per se, but your H's apparent cluelessness about what it has done to you. If joint counseling is out of the question maybe you should consider individual counseling. One of the "lazy ways out" that the WS relies upon is the misguided notion that time by itself will heal the wound.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When people try to come to some understanding of the 'why' of infidelity, they usually wind up throwing up their hands and pointing to 'selfishness.'

Your WH was certainly selfish to cheat on you, and his selfishness continues. His need for you to just be over it is pure self-interest. It's about what he wants for himself, in his life, in his head. This all can be spun for what is good for you and what is good for the two of you, but fundamentally it goes back to what he wants for himself.

I don't think this constitutes real love on his part. You have to decide, though, whether you will live with this. (I am old enough to tell you that unresolved feelings like this don't go away until you fade into senility.)


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Annesnerl said:


> Not sure how to handle this. Do you openly talk about what happened or just carry on like it is another day? Every time I get sad-thinking about what my husband was doing a year ago-he gets angry and defensive or just ignores me until I'm no longer sad. I have realized he is just not capable of offering comfort-but don't know how to mask my emotions. I have quit asking questions as they just sparked arguments and accusations that I haven't healed and that I have ruined our progress. I'm just worried that I will not be able to hide what I'm feeling and am really not looking forward to him getting mad at me because I am sad.
> 
> As I sit here typing-I know many of you will say that I am in a false r and I would agree. He continuously lied to me, he is still not telling me everything, he blamed me for the affairs-saying he didn't think I loved him, refuses joint marriage counseling, and so much more. However, he is far kinder to me than he ever was-if I can find a way to get past this pain-the quality of my life would be so much better. It's so ironic that I have live with emotional and verbal abuse for over 23 years-and was able to get past it all-and yet I can't get past his infidelity.


Oh my. I'm not sure if his infidelity is your biggest problem anyway; it sounds like being treated badly is something you're used to. Your husband sounds like someone who hasn't treated you with much respect over a long period of time - and it requires respect (not to mention love) to do the hard work of R. 

And I'm not sure that what you're describing even qualifies as "false R" because I don't think anyone who blames you for his affairs has made any "progress" into the frame of mind that one needs for R. He may (or may not) still be having physical affairs, but if he thinks it's OK to blame you for his affairs (plural!), there's no R going on, false or otherwise, according to the way I've ever seen it defined.

Maybe instead of false R, you could call this his plan for moving on: pretending like nothing happened, going on with this existence (I wouldn't call it living) in this thing you call a "marriage," though I think it's a stretch to call it that. It's more of a financial/legal/living arrangement, wouldn't you say? There's no comfort or feeling of safe haven for you, is there? No best friend or partner in the journey of life, someone to be your cheerleader, to encourage you to be your best and happiest self? I don't think this guy is that person, is he?

Like MovingAhead asked, the bigger issue is, why are you still with someone who treats you with so little respect? I'm usually in favor of at least giving R a try, but there has to be some history of love and respect, and the WS has to take responsibility for the cheating - not hearing ANY of that in your post.


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