# Pet Peeve 129: The Overdiagnosis of Passive-Aggressive



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Ladies,

Here is a primer on passive-aggressive:

Passive

Just because a man doesn't obey when you snap your fingers doesn't make him passive-aggressive. Just because he doesn't do the tasks you laid out for him either doesn't make him passive-aggressive.

I mean, the next thing you know. . .people will be placing some diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or something on boys in elementary school. . . and medicating these hapless males. . .oh wait. . .


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> Ladies,
> 
> Here is a primer on passive-aggressive:
> 
> ...


My son actually is ADHD... I knew since he was a toddler, it's genetic. He can't stop moving or making noise, literally. You should really not make light of that. And I do not medicate him btw


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> Just because a man doesn't obey when you snap your fingers doesn't make him passive-aggressive. Just because he doesn't do the tasks you laid out for him either doesn't make him passive-aggressive.


So true. It just makes them passive. 

But im with you. goes along the same lines as the over-diagnosis of borderline personality disorder in women. Just because we yell and scream randomly and are then your best friend the next minute doesn't mean we're screwy.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Just because we yell and scream randomly and are then your best friend the next minute doesn't mean we're screwy.


I'll accept the diagnosis of screwy.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Just because we yell and scream randomly and are then your best friend the next minute doesn't mean we're screwy.


yes it does


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

That's a really great point. I've heard the term "passive aggressive" thrown around more than the term "co-dependent" way to much and it can be so harmful to couples. 

In most cases, so-called passive aggression is easily unlearned with simple communication training. 

I think to many marriage counselors who are big on popular theories/diagnostic frameworks and week on the research and evidence-base in (facts about) couple's communication, to often confuse simple "stonewalling" or shutting down, because of poorly expressed and so, chronically frustrated relationship needs with the "passive aggression" label. 

The trick to over coming emotional shutting-down, as with the criticism-defense cycle that pulls so many marriages apart, is for couples to learn about and express what they really need in the relationship. It's usually a list of 2 or 3 changes they need their partner to make in what they say and do. 

Once core-relationship needs are met in healthy back and forth way, most emotional injuries heal and couples often really fall in love again. It's not learning about stable traits like "passive aggression" but diffusing reactive-anger from feeling hurt and or anxious in relation to our partner, that is key here, in most cases. 

I can't tell you how many times I've seen the term "co-dependent" miss used and confused with normal attachment needs or healthy emotional interdependency, our inbuilt need to feel loved and safe with our partners, and for them to feel the same in the process of really loving each other. 

I think it would be interesting to do a survey of professional counselors to see how many of the ones with stable healthy marriages use the terms "passive-aggressive" and "co-dependent" vs "frustrated relationship needs" and "healthy emotional interdependency" in a correct way. I wonder what their outcomes are when working with distressed couples (saving the marriage vs facilitating separation)?

Scannergaurd, I think you may have really captured a practical distinction between, pro-marriage vs not so pro-marriage counseling concepts and practices.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's the people who ARE passive-aggressive who typically accuse everyone else of that.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Duddy,

Yeah, well. . .um. . .when you calculate the summation of my axioms and hypotheses, you will discover my point is moot.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My definition of passive-aggressive.

The emotional shut-down as a punishment for perceived wrongs.

I will pretend that you DO NOT EXIST. I will not acknowledge you as either being my wife or even a human being while in my presence.

Or maybe that's the definition of "psychotic." HA


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My definition of passive-aggressive.
> 
> The emotional shut-down as a punishment for perceived wrongs.
> 
> ...


i thought that was just turning down the thermostat?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I've joked about my husband being pasive aggressive but I know he's not. The key thing missing in his actions is motive. There isn't one so the diagnosis doesn't apply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

Sorry Scannergaurd, I'm recalibrating my sumator right now -lol


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Ladies,
> 
> Here is a primer on passive-aggressive:
> 
> ...


You are just a big ol' barrel of gender stereotypes! Show us some depth, there, Scan-man.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Everyone loves to type cast... passive aggressive, narcissistic, etc... 

I don't really think there's much use in defining someone as "passive aggressive" as ideally they will change and no longer be that way. Plus it places them in a box and can create resentment.

It's just like men saying women "are hormonal" or "are having PMS." Maybe it's true, but labeling as such will just make the issue worse.


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