# Sex vs Communication?



## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

If you had to skimp on one of these, which would it be and why? I'm probably the only guy who would pick communication, but being able to talk about issues, personal beliefs, likes, dislikes, your relationship and how to grow it etc., outweighs the little bit of time you spend in the sack. My marriage lacks severely on both accounts and I am the only initiator on both, but I would feel closer as a couple with better communication?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

BurningHeart said:


> If you had to skimp on one of these, which would it be and why? I'm probably the only guy who would pick communication, but being able to talk about issues, personal beliefs, likes, dislikes, your relationship and how to grow it etc., outweighs the little bit of time you spend in the sack. My marriage lacks severely on both accounts and I am the only initiator on both, but I would feel closer as a couple with better communication?


Yes you would feel closer as a couple with better communication.

When you understand and feel understood it creates a bind and connection.

Why is your wife so shut down?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I communicate really well with my wife, after sex.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with UMP. I am not much of a talker. The best discussions we have are in bed, before and after sex. When there is no TV, no phones, no distractions. Just the two of us.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I love the starfish pose, but only when there re ropes involved...


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I think sex is a form of communication - or good sex is anyway


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes you would feel closer as a couple with better communication.
> 
> When you understand and feel understood it creates a bind and connection.
> 
> Why is your wife so shut down?


I don't think she is, she just doesn't require much to be happy, which is a good thing, that I'm trying to master as well.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I agree with UMP. I am not much of a talker. The best discussions we have are in bed, before and after sex. When there is no TV, no phones, no distractions. Just the two of us.


That's when it happens for us as well, when I start it, but she's usually asleep while I'm in mid sentence, so usually not very successful in solving anything.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Sex.

We communicated perfectly fine when we were friends. If the sex disappeared, what's the point of the marriage? We could have been great, communicating roommates as friends. There wouldn't have been any need to get married without sex, and that in love feeling that sparked the desire to transition from friends into partners.

Besides sex is a form of communication unto itself. It's actually one of the most powerful forms we have.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

BurningHeart said:


> That's when it happens for us as well, when I start it, but she's usually asleep while I'm in mid sentence, so usually not very successful in solving anything.


Try sex in the morning. Sunday mornings are great for an hour of sex and 2 hours of conversation (or vice versa).


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

If I had to skimp on one, it would be communication. I'm allowed to _talk _to people outside the relationship.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Try sex in the morning. Sunday mornings are great for an hour of sex and 2 hours of conversation (or vice versa).


She's not a morning person. It's bedtime or not at all for us.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

badsanta said:


> Unless she is striking a starfish pose during sex, there should be a great deal of nonverbal communication during intimacy.
> 
> *You can have good communication without sex, but I do not think you can have good sex without communication.
> 
> So communication is always priority.*


If I couldn't communicate unabashedly with my man, I am pretty sure the sex would take a dive, I would *not *be as happy ...and this would have it's effects ...I need BOTH.. 

So have to agree with Santa here. it starts with emotionally sharing. laughing, "getting each other".... this leads to many sweet things, as it's intended to be.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BurningHeart said:


> If you had to skimp on one of these, which would it be and why?
> ...My marriage lacks severely on both accounts and I am the only initiator on both, but I would feel closer as a couple with better communication?


My 2 cents. There is communication and then there are communication.

Dr. David Schnarch in one of his books bascially says that most marriage counseling that is based on teaching communication skills is a waste of time, because most couples in a troubled marriage communicate nearly perfectly with each other.

He then used the example of the married couple at a restaurant having dinner without talking to each other. They know when the other person wants the salt to be passed, they know that their partner doesn't want to talk to them. They have had the same conversations for years where he asks for something that she will not give him ever. He has asked the same question, althought in a different form literally thousands of times and gotten basically the same answer in return. As a result, he no longer needs to ask the question or frame the question avoiding "you" words. His wife has clearly communicated the answer and so he no longer asks.

What Schnarch suggests is that when there is a breakdown in a couples willingness to compromise with each other or when one partner needs something that the other doesn't want to give, they need to develop themselves and their relationship more so that they can change together. That change will then allow both of them to "give" or reach a new compromise. He also points out that such change is often frightening and emotionally painful.

From a totally different perspective there is another author out there with an interesting insight on communications and marriage. You might also give her book a read or better yet have your wife read it. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love.

Finally, with my wife, communications is just a way to allow her to get the Quality Time (Chapman's 5 languages of love) that she needs. To my wife, communications and quality time are sort of like foreplay and sex. You can do the first one poorly and the result isn't what you want to happen.

The point is that communication is not a precise term and there are many different ways that it fits into marriage and a relationship. However, the is a hell of a lot of emphasis on communications (incorrectly) being a primary problem with most marriages and a focus of too many marriage counselors.

Good luck to you. I hope that you get the sex and the feeling of closeness with your wife that you desire.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> My 2 cents. There is communication and then there are communication.
> 
> Dr. David Schnarch in one of his books bascially says that most marriage counseling that is based on teaching communication skills is a waste of time, because most couples in a troubled marriage communicate nearly perfectly with each other.
> 
> ...


That's pretty interesting, with some really valid points, knowing answers does take away from asking, which leads to no need to communicate. That explains why I find myself not trying as hard to "reach" her anymore, talking to the air is the same result. She doesn't like my "talks" anyway, she likes more of an "auto pilot" marriage, without any extra effort to make it stronger.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

don't give up.



> What Schnarch suggests is that when there is a breakdown in a couples willingness to compromise with each other or when one partner needs something that the other doesn't want to give, they need to develop themselves and their relationship more so that they can change together. That change will then allow both of them to "give" or reach a new compromise. He also points out that such change is oftern frightening and emotionally painful.


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