# Separation - What's the point?



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Wow, I'v messed up. Big time. Let me first say that I'm a nice guy. I'm also co-dependent. (probably one in the same if you look at the symptoms objectively). 

I married my wife because I loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. It's been about 7 years since we've been together, married for 6. We got married, young, and I guess neither of us really understood that we would need to work on our relationship. As we grew, I realized that we were growing apart. Our lifes goals, ambitions, interests, were slowly getting further and further away from each other. For the last two years I’ve tried to control that by trying to get my wife to change, to make me more happy. You obviously know how that turns out. I did everything for her, but nothing at the same time. We’ve had numerous arguments/discussions about our failing incompatibility, a couple of times hinting at divorce and separation, leading up to a few weeks ago, me telling her I wanted a divorce since things weren’t changing. We weren’t getting better. It was cyclical, and without fail… you could literally know when we were going to fight, it was as if almost every 2.5 weeks and blam… we fight. 

So, I told her this, that I wanted a divorce (we actually mutually agreed that was the best), and looking back now, while I was ready to do it, what I was really hoping for a was an “OMG, he’s going to leave, I need to change.” That wasn’t a conscious decision, but rather something deep in my sub-conscious I assume. Either way, she didn’t react that way. In fact, it was almost a perfect 180 that’s talked about here all the time. And it really got me thinking about what I was doing. 

I had an epiphany, and the events surrounding this aren’t important, but the outcome was the first time I looked at myself from an outside perspective, and finally saw all the damage that I’ve been doing. I can’t control her. I can’t control what she does. I can’t control her dreams. The only thing I can do is look at myself, and as soon as I gave myself an honest assessment, I didn’t like what I saw. 

I immediately told her about this, and that I didn’t want to throw in the towel just yet, since there is a lot of improvement on my end that can be done – which in turn will help the relationship. One way or the other, I wanted to start working on me to see what would happen. Well, this was a week ago, and she still doesn’t know what she wants to do. There is nothing more that I can tell her that I haven’t. I can only show her, which would require a bit of trust and hope on her part. However, currently, she thinks that she needs some time on her own to become a bit more independent. To know what it’s like to be on her own. To not depend on me for things. She says that her love just isn’t the same, that right now she’s confused, feels empty. These are words that I’ve never wanted to hear, but must accept them for what they are. I did the damage, and I’m to blame. 

I also think some time would be good for me, so I can deal with my co-dependency issues – recently self-diagnosed – without having her around. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I love her and that I want things to work with her. However, I also feel like her decision to split up is more to understand if she can live without me or not… not to find out if she really loves me or not. And this is a hard pill to swallow. 

So I question the point, from her side, of whether this is really beneficial. If she wants to determine that she can live without me, then she will. I see this pending separation as it’s sealing the fate of our marriage, and will ultimately end in divorce anyway. So what’s the point? She’s had 1 week to tell me, at the very least that she wants to try to trust me, to give me a chance, but no dice (I know she’s still hurt, but at least an inkling of a want would be nice to hear). She hasn’t said that, only that she loves me, but not the same. She’ll always like me, she said. I guess I’m just not sure how to take this. 

I know I can’t control the outcome. But I do want to be prepared. What can I do to salvage this? I’ve pretty much tried really hard to show her that I love her, and that I want to work things out, but I almost feel like doing a 180 is the best thing right now. I just wonder how that would impact our relationship at this point. I’m not sure exactly what to do to be honest, but I’d like to have a plan, and work on implementing whatever it is I decide. 

I’m open to thoughts and suggestions.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

If one of you leaves the house you two share, the chances that you will divorce go up. 

Having said that -- if you both are on the same page with respect to the purpose of the separation (it is separation with an eye towards reconciliation, not separation as a step towards divorce), if you set up some firm ground rules (is it okay to date other people during this separation?), have a plan that will allow you to date each other during this separation (for example, get together for dinner, an activity, whatever once per week), decide how much contact you are going to have with each other outside of your dates (go dark on non date nights? email or phone once a day okay? etc), build in a time to meet and evaluate where each of you is (revisit the situation after 6 weeks? 3 months?), and I'd advice continue to go to MC or IC during this period to have someone help you frame your self-exploration -- anyways, IF you can set that up, then you might find that the separation is tremendously effective. If you find that you two cannot agree on the details of the separation, the places where you get stuck will give you insight into the underlying issues in your relationship, and that's useful too.

Supporting two households during a separation is expensive, but less expensive than a divorce. You could try to do an in-house separation, but those are pretty tough because its so easy to continue old habits.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ that's really good insight. thanks for the well thought out response. i just get the feeling that if we do split, she'll judge me on the past, not on the future, of what I can be with my newfound knowledge and self introspection. I don't want to split but i suppose i really don't have any control over whether she does or not. 

anyone else have thoughts?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

control or no control, i hate the thought of the weekends now... where she has a lot of friends to hang out with and console her, and i, i neglected all of my friendships so i have none. none. this is when i realized i was codependent. it doesn't change the fact that i love her, that's not the issue. it's just too much i think.

the thought that she could have fun and enjoyment without me is just almost too much to bare. (i sound like a wimp right now, i know, but my stomach and heart... they are twisted in knots so tight it's hard to breathe.) If I knew that she wants to be with me, and then was away to hang out, whatever, I'd be fine with that. It's that she's gone to get away. I wonder if it will be easier when she moves out, so i don't have to see her every day. Like when she comes back from being out, and happy, and says "hows your day..." .. In my head i say ****ing great... just great. you had fun, without me. you wanted to have fun without me. 

i just keep reminding myself that what i'm feeling isn't normal, and that it's an overattachment, but it still doesn't help. It doesn't go away.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

one thing i read in "co-dependant no more" was that a lot of times, co-dependants attach themselves to individuals who are incapable of loving others....

i often wonder if this is the reason why my wife doesn't do a lot of things for me... you know, things that a normal loving person would do. how can you tell if you are attached to someone that can't love you back. it's almost like i'm in a fog...? is it me, or is it her? i can't really tell.


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