# trying to understand



## felinhopless

Sometimes they say you are your worst enemy, and I believe it. I overanalyize everything. Ive been with my husband for 21 yrs, alot of our failed years are due to lack of communication. As long as I was mad at him I pushed him away, from everything. We barely had sex not because he didnt want to, he tried everyday I said no. I told him I dont want you. You see my husband drinks everyday for 21 yrs and I hate it. I believed he was watching porn due to the lack of sex. Hed deny it of course but Im no idiot. Just now in jan of this year I found out he was with other women, and for some reason it killed me. I couldnt be mad at him , i rejected him what else was he going to do right? He still came home provided and tried to be civil. I felt my whole world die. I dedcided I was going to win him back somehow. Now mind you his first girl was 25 and the new was 19. I am 44! Now for 44 I feel i look great and he still desires me he tells me, you were the one I wanted not them. I just cant get past he had much younger women. Anyway for 2 months non stop I changed everything I was at his beck and call whatever he wanted I was there. At first he didnt budge he said no its to late. You didnt want me. How do I know you wont revert to the same as you used to be? He was mean, said hurtful things, I hung on. Till one day I told him no, no more I have nothing to lose I already lost you so all this stops now! We are going to work on this and thats it! Im not giving you any options I threatned yadda yadda and he said yes he would work things out. We both got matching tattoo rediedicating our new love with a new date for a new start. Heres the problem I give him everything sex 5 6 times a day and I still want more. Every morning before he wakes up to fresh coffee by his side I please him orally every morning no matter what. He still drinks, and reads erotic stories everyday. He loves all the attention I give him and I see he loves me and is trying but I feel like something is missing. Everynight he comes home from work is the same routine he comes home goes to the bathroom drinks i sit there with him like an idiot watching drink and smoke for 5 hrs or so. I figured he is going to do it and I want to be with him so I stay and we talk about everything. Then about 4 in morning we have sex he goes to sleep and we do it agian the next day same thing. He puts his job first all his energy goes there. He comes back so stressed and out of guilt im taking all of this. He tells me nothing will ever go my way again, that if its not his way its no way. I honestly dont care of that I love him and want things to work. However I dont want to be in this marriage if he doesnt want me, theres so much more to say of the in between. I feel like im the only one holding the end of the bargin. He tells me if i got this tattoo to prove to you i love you. Im tired from work and make time for you. In my mind i think no, you come home drink hang out have sex and do it again next day. Am i wrong to think something is wrong here?


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## notmarriedyet

No way! You are most certainly NOT WRONG for thinking something is "off". I think you've gone about things the wrong way - by catering to him when he is the one who went outside if the marriage. 
You were neglectful, sure, but it's no excuse to go outside of the marriage. 
You guys needs counseling, both marital and individually. 

And I think you should move your post over to "coping with infidelity" forum, as you'll get a lot more responses, and way way more helpful advice than what I just said. 

Good luck


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## Acoa

You shouldn't be trying to 'win him back'. He cheated and you became his little slave. What happens when you get tired of it and stop?

notmarriedyet is right. At least read the stickies in the "coping with infidelity" forum. Your H needs to be trying to win you back. Not the other way around.


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## felinhopless

Thank you both, I am new to tam so I wasnt sure. The thing is because I denied him me for so long I felt guilty, like now If I want him in my life I had to be this way. In other words your right I am already getting tired. I take the scraps he leaves lying around and I feel like Im ready to give up. I have been reading the 180 and have started to do some of the stuff it says, keyword being trying lol. I dont know how to move my post, but ty for your advice I was feeling really lost


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## movealong

You may need the 180 later, but right now a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie would be better for you. Also, if you haven't, you really should go to an AlAnon meeting. Not for him, for YOU.

You can't "do" anything for him, but you can help yourself.


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## felinhopless

ty movealong im looking into both right now:smthumbup:


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## notmarriedyet

Just ask a moderator to move your post - or copy & paste it over there 
Glad to hear you're trying new things!


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## richie33

The drinking needs to be addressed. You have a lot of issues going on in this marriage. Sexless marriage ( for a VERY long time, it's easy for posters to gloss over that after you mentioned he cheated ) the drinking, porn, emotional abuse it's a long list. 
You both need to be in therapy. A third party must be involved in this. This didn't happen over night. Figure out why you are both enabling bad behaviors.


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## WallaceBea

felinhopless said:


> He tells me nothing will ever go my way again, that if its not his way its no way.


You are right in thinking something is wrong! This is not a healthy relationship. Relationships are a TWO way street, and communication is key. I think you are starting to realize you deserve much, much better. You deserve to be with a man who appreciates you, shows you respect, and cares about your feelings and opinions. 

I think you should seek some individual counseling to help with your self confidence and to learn how to love and value yourself and not settle for a man who treats you poorly.


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