# I think the marriage is over



## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and for the last 3-4 years it's been very rocky. I don't even know where to begin other than we are more like roomates more than a married couple. He comes home from work gets in the recliner, gets up to eat dinner and then it's down to the garage to work on his race car. Weekends we do nothing together. I guess I am becoming very sick of the same old life.
Mornings I make coffee and will say come have a cup of coffee with me and it's like pulling teeth. I get up in the morning alone, most nights go to bed alone. Sex is like never and when we do it's 123 and he's done. Just so sick of this. I've tried to talk to him and he says he understands and then it's back to the same old stuff. I guess to sum it up, I am lonely and don't want to be lonely anymore. He's in his own business and he counts on me to take care of everything but so unappreciative when I help him. When we fight he tells me I want to control him, but he can't take control of himself. He can't handle anything. I feel like his mommy and caregiver more than his wife. I am sorry to be ranting on and on but I am so frustrated and feel financially trapped!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

your not atall ranting. the forum is a good place. 
you sound very down . but its really up to you. what do you want.
im not saying you cant change things - because you can. 
but why dont you try and have a bit of space. stay at a girlfriends or family. ive been where where you are. 
i think you need you time. you have forgotten to laugh.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Yes I don't laugh anymore. I can't come and go from my house, I have a 15 year old daughter and I don't want to play with her emotions. I just can't take the loneliness anymore. I love him but there isn't really anything to be in love with. I know that sounds crazy but I just can't put my finger on one thing that makes me happy about him. He's a good provider but anything after that stinks. We have sex like every month maybe longer and it's a 123 deal and that's it. I want more and I have tried to talk to him and he says he will try and it never happens. He takes no responsibility for anything. We had to get a building permit and I sent him to do it and he couldn't even accomplish that. I had to take off from work and I did it myself. We are having a pellet stove put in today and I wanted him to be here so he knows how to work it and he can't be bothered. No it's not a big deal but......
He is in his own business and we just picked up I should say I just picked up a nice account and he had to go to the store and go over paperwork and he lost his patience and I had to go there the next day and go over it because he doesn't either listen or just doesn't care and then yells when we argue that I act like his mommy and I control him.
when the guy was here measuring for the pellet stove we were both in the room and this morning he says by the way what room is it going in, again no big deal but don't you listen??????


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I lay awake at night and think of how my life would be without him. Yes I am scared of what it would be, but I can't be anymore alone than I am now. I know he will never change, he is what he is but I have to figure out if it's what I want for the rest of my life.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

slickplant35 said:


> I lay awake at night and think of how my life would be without him. Yes I am scared of what it would be, but I can't be anymore alone than I am now. I know he will never change, he is what he is but I have to figure out if it's what I want for the rest of my life.


Have you told him that you are considering a divorce? 

I am sure that you don't think he can change now, but faced with divorce people can really make changes needed to have a happy life. He may be just as bored, and upset about how things are going as well.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I told him many times how I feel, he agrees how absent he is and he says he is going to try but it doesn't last. I can't keep reminding him. I am not a person who needs 100% all of the time. I just need to feel wanted and affection that I mean something to him. I know that he can't change it's proven because he hasn't changed. I know alot has to do with my attitude towards him, but I find I can't help it because I just get so tired of being mommy. I want him for once to take part in his life and not expect me to do everything for him. It's my fault because I just go ahead and do it anyways but if I don't if just doesn't get done.


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

slickplant35 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 18 years and for the last 3-4 years it's been very rocky. I don't even know where to begin other than we are more like roomates more than a married couple. He comes home from work gets in the recliner, gets up to eat dinner and then it's down to the garage to work on his race car. Weekends we do nothing together. I guess I am becoming very sick of the same old life.
> Mornings I make coffee and will say come have a cup of coffee with me and it's like pulling teeth. I get up in the morning alone, most nights go to bed alone. Sex is like never and when we do it's 123 and he's done. Just so sick of this. I've tried to talk to him and he says he understands and then it's back to the same old stuff. I guess to sum it up, I am lonely and don't want to be lonely anymore. He's in his own business and he counts on me to take care of everything but so unappreciative when I help him. When we fight he tells me I want to control him, but he can't take control of himself. He can't handle anything. I feel like his mommy and caregiver more than his wife. I am sorry to be ranting on and on but I am so frustrated and feel financially trapped!!!!!!!!!!!!


WOW does this sound familiar! This is just my THOUGHTS on it having gone through it myself. It sounds like you have always been the one that took care of all the details with the house the bills etc. So he has never had to do it...now he is used to that and you are trying to get him to be a little more involved. Which is not a bad thing for him to be involved BUT its going to be a hard transition because he is so used to you handling all those things. So you are going to have to take baby steps....and in my experience the more "appreciation" you show by saying "thank you etc." when he does something the easier it will be to get him to do more. 

I would also suggest a book to read....Dr. Lauras proper care and feeding of husbands. Some men may agree or not agree with what Dr. Laura says but her concepts are really simple.......

My marriage is ending and was VERY similar to yours where I felt like his Mom/caregiver not his wife and let me tell you had I read this book before hand and started really paying attention to the marriage it would have made a big difference. What is that saying day late dollar short...that was us. 
I would also like to say that you are feeling unappreciated and I bet you he is probably feeling unappreciated to. Now you may be saying to yourself what the hell does he have to feel unappreciated about he doesnt do anything I do it all....but he does go to work everyday does he not? And earn a paycheck...and I bet if you started thinking about things that he does do...they might be small like taking out the trash or filing the cars up with gas. And I know that the things he may do may seem small compared to all the things you do but when you really think about it and come up with those things....think about when the last time you thanked him for doing any of those things. Because that is what happened with me and my husband I felt unapprecaited and so did he....now that we are seperated I have heard thank you more in the last 3 months then I did in the last 10 years. 

The sex thing....that is hard for me because I dont understand how people dont have good sex lives its really hard for me to comprehend even though I read about it on here all the time. When you say its a 123 wham bam Im done not to get to personal but what are you doing during this? Is this like the missionary position...and he does his thing then rolls over? If that is the case what I WOULD do is be the initiator and I would be on top.....then you kinda control whats going on and if you "think" he is getting close you can slow it down and focus on something else...kissing his neck, chest etc. in my experience if the man feels the woman is into it and enjoying pleasing him.....they will take the additional steps to please the woman as well.


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## visionquest (Sep 24, 2008)

I have always thought it is better to truly be on your own than to feel like you are alone when in a relationship. Does your being with him help you or hinder you ultimately?


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I don't want to sound rude, but he doesn't do a thing. Take out the garbage NO fill the cars up with gas NO I take out the garbage and fill the cars up. He does go to work everyday and I appreciate all of the things we have, but I work too and have had a steady job for the last 18 years. Being in his own business is alot of work for me. I work a full time job come home schedule his work, do his books do his billing and take care of a 15 year old daughter. I cook dinner clean the house and god forbid I ask for help it's like pulling teeth. I know I may sound like a ***** but I just can't take it here anymore. My daughter would be devastated if I left, I would be financially strapped and I am scared to death to take that step but I am so miserable. I know only I can say whats right and wrong in my life and I know I am not happy but I question myself is the grass greener on the other side. He isn't a bad person at all and if I make him sound like a monster I am sorry but I just don't get anything out of him. I cried, I yelled, I talk in a civil way and nothing gets through to him. I have become kind of numb to him.


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

slickplant35 said:


> I don't want to sound rude, but he doesn't do a thing. Take out the garbage NO fill the cars up with gas NO I take out the garbage and fill the cars up. He does go to work everyday and I appreciate all of the things we have, but I work too and have had a steady job for the last 18 years. Being in his own business is alot of work for me. I work a full time job come home schedule his work, do his books do his billing and take care of a 15 year old daughter. I cook dinner clean the house and god forbid I ask for help it's like pulling teeth. I know I may sound like a ***** but I just can't take it here anymore. My daughter would be devastated if I left, I would be financially strapped and I am scared to death to take that step but I am so miserable. I know only I can say whats right and wrong in my life and I know I am not happy but I question myself is the grass greener on the other side. He isn't a bad person at all and if I make him sound like a monster I am sorry but I just don't get anything out of him. I cried, I yelled, I talk in a civil way and nothing gets through to him. I have become kind of numb to him.


It sounds to me like you have already made up your mind.......


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

In my heart I feel I have made up my mind, but then to take that step to do it. It's one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I am confused.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your marriage sounds a lot like my first marriage. Although I have no regrets, it was a very difficult decision to make and the months/years that followed were also difficult. In my case, since we have 3 children together, I am still in contact with him and he has not changed. He still avoids all of his responsibilities...child support & visitation (which he does if it's convenient for him) but he still expects all of the financial and emotional responsibilities of raising three kids to fall solely on me. My silver lining is my second marriage where I see what it's like to feel loved, appreciated and supported.

Bottom line is many of the things that bothered me so much within the marriage still exist because we have children together.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I think he would take care of his daughter. The only thing is that his business would go down hill and he would probably lose everthing. I take care of the customers and all of the responsibility that goes with his business. People say to stop doing so much and if he doesn't pick up the slack it falls on him, but that isn't true I still have to eat and pay my bills. 
What annoys me the most is that he doesn't take any responsibility and expects me to handle everything. This morning I told him that he has to have a guy we are hiring to fill out a form so when he gets home please call him and make those arrangements. His response was why can't you call him and have him come while your home today. I am cleaning my house and waiting for our pellet stove to be installed he got angry and hung up on me.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

the trouble is when your feeling this lonely in a relationship, its actually better being on your own, without the hassles. i found i had more peace within when i moved on.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

stumped said:


> I would also suggest a book to read....Dr. Lauras proper care and feeding of husbands.


:iagree:

I read some of this book and it was so simple but amazingly right on when it came to making my H feel appreciated and understood.


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

Have you talked to him about depression? Many people who do not have drive or desire for "Anything" really are depressed and they just don't realize it. Many people go through years of this lac a daisy life only to find that antidepressants snap them out of it. 

Good Luck


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## AloneForever (Sep 25, 2008)

I am exactly where you are after 7 years of marriage.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

slickplant,
listen (re-read) to what nancie said:

>>>Have you told him that you are considering a divorce?<<<

your reply was:

>>>I told him many times how I feel<<<

i'm going to write this once, because i'm about at the end of my rope on a marriage to the most wonderful girl in the world.

HE'S NOT HEARING YOU!!!

we don't, guys are [email protected]$$es... spell it out to him!!! one time, with the consequences, he'll come around or he won't. if he knows the consequences, and he don't git-er-done, well, there you got your problem. it's called communication. and i know because i've now heard it 1000 times, communication is the key. if you want some, give some. true.

good luck. and please don't give up on your marriage without doing one little thing: communication. state the problem clearly to him. please.

thank you.

ps-and for those who are saying to themselves, "but i DO make it clear to him," listen to your words and make DEMANDS, use that word. "honey, i DEMAND that you are follow thru with the new contract with the store. that'll set him straight if he knows the consequences. lay the consequences out for him.

pps-gaws, i wish i'd have had that before my wife blew up at me. i'd at least be able to answer my own question: "why???(sob)"


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

I think vivod gave some good advice.

I think you need to shock your husband. Dont think of your marriage being over. But a seperation may be just what you need to get him to realize what he has.


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## tascam (Sep 26, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> Have you told him that you are considering a divorce?
> 
> I am sure that you don't think he can change now, but faced with divorce people can really make changes needed to have a happy life. He may be just as bored, and upset about how things are going as well.


You can't change another person. If you threatened me with a divorce, I would show you the door and tell you to leave.


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## tascam (Sep 26, 2008)

slickplant35 said:


> Yes I don't laugh anymore. I can't come and go from my house, I have a 15 year old daughter and I don't want to play with her emotions. I just can't take the loneliness anymore. I love him but there isn't really anything to be in love with. I know that sounds crazy but I just can't put my finger on one thing that makes me happy about him. He's a good provider but anything after that stinks. We have sex like every month maybe longer and it's a 123 deal and that's it. I want more and I have tried to talk to him and he says he will try and it never happens. He takes no responsibility for anything. We had to get a building permit and I sent him to do it and he couldn't even accomplish that. I had to take off from work and I did it myself. We are having a pellet stove put in today and I wanted him to be here so he knows how to work it and he can't be bothered. No it's not a big deal but......
> He is in his own business and we just picked up I should say I just picked up a nice account and he had to go to the store and go over paperwork and he lost his patience and I had to go there the next day and go over it because he doesn't either listen or just doesn't care and then yells when we argue that I act like his mommy and I control him.
> when the guy was here measuring for the pellet stove we were both in the room and this morning he says by the way what room is it going in, again no big deal but don't you listen??????


Did you gain a bunch of weight? Maybe your husband isn't attracted to you anymore and he doesn't want to touch you?


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

wow tascam, i don't think asking questions like that is going to help!!! why does it always come back to being something the woman has done? maybe he has gained weight! did you ever think maybe he doesn't feel good about himself? whatever happened to for better or for worse anyway?


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Let me say a few things. No Tascam I didn't gain weight and if I did if he didn't like it well tooooo bad for better or for worse. 
On to other things. 
Great example of what our lives are. Last night my daughter was sleeping at her cousins. I came home from dropping her off and said I am going to go take a shower do you need one hint hint no I already took one. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. He sat in the recliner chair and didn't move. I get into bed and a few minutes he gets into bed and rolls over and falls asleep, that was my exciting night I should say every night. 
I've told him so many times I am lonely and tired of being lonely and I want to move on to more exciting things he begs me to stay and he will change and here I am STILL LONELY!!!!!!!!
I explained to him that once in a while I want to feel very special to him he should stop and get me roses they are 10.00 a dozen his response was he hates roses. You know I go to the store if it's the grocery store or clothes store I always bring him something. I find things in the store he loves and buy them. No it's not a big deal but what about me. He never gets up and makes coffee for me, I am always the one to make the coffee and then have to beg him to spend 10 min at the kitchen table with me. 
Just so tired of it but scared to death.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

as bad as this may sound - dont do things for him. dont ask him to the table. try the reverse of everything you do. 
your tired, because your situation is making you unhappy and your fighting for something that you need to distance yourself from.
maybe then you can change and it may help you decide if leaving is an option .


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## tascam (Sep 26, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> wow tascam, i don't think asking questions like that is going to help!!! why does it always come back to being something the woman has done? maybe he has gained weight! did you ever think maybe he doesn't feel good about himself? whatever happened to for better or for worse anyway?


Women file for divorce 70-75% of the time and do better in court than men. She wants the sex, he doesn't which indicates that he is not attracted to her anymore. Maybe she is nagging him non-stop. Marriage turns to crap no matter what you do. There is no benefit to a man getting married in the USA today and lots of financial risk. Her marriage is over. If marriage was such a good idea, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. Until the laws are changed so women can't get 50% of more of the man's assets and alimony, men should not get married.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Tascam do me a favor and stay out of this post please.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

slickplant35 said:


> Tascam do me a favor and stay out of this post please.


Well said! Thank you. All of those comments can be a real drain on anyone's self-esteem. 

Sorry I haven't had a chance to respond to any of your post before. I see some similarities in our situations. I have been married over 20 years, and I have been very lonely in this marriage for three of those years. When I got to the point you were describing, I got a hobby. I still loved my husband very much. However, I felt the hobby would help fill the emptiness in my life. That didn't work either. My husband resented that. After I got the hobby, I quit doing EVERYTHING for him (& everyone else in the house). I started doing things for me. Things went from bad to worse. To make a long story short, he moved out and blamed everything on me. 

I know what you mean about the problems with his business. I got tired of all of that stuff too. I decided to go to the house two years ago and let him run our business. That lasted six months. It was a disaster! Unfortunately, the damage done during that time has lingered until this day. So, from my experience, if you aren't there to do the work, it probably won't get done. 

It's tuff being the "caregiver" and never getting any appreciation for it. Do you ever hear the pharse, "I'm sick of you wearing the pants in the family?" I heard that all of the time too. My response to that one now is " well if you would put the pants on, I wouldn't have to." The bottom line is someone has got to take responsibility and get things done.

Keep us posted (especially if you find a solution)!


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I am sick of wearing the pants in this house too. He doesn't stand up for anything. We had the pellet stove installed here and the installer messed up and didn't put the back pipe all the way on and I was telling him it really stinks in here, I feel like choking. I told him to call the installer and tell him what he did, no you call him. He's the man right???????
I do everything for him and get nothing in return. I some days love him but don't feel excited by him. I don't know how to put it. I don't mean excited sexually just in general. I know it may not be a big deal to a man but a woman needs to know they are wanted and roses, a card to say thinking of you, or even a pot of coffee I don't need alot of things just attention and stop annoying me. Everytime something goes wrong in this house even when I am not home it's always my fault. I just don't know what to do anymore.


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## tascam (Sep 26, 2008)

The is absolutely no reason for a man to get married in the USA. It's better to live with someone and just leave when it's over. There is too much risk for a man. The statistics show us that the odds are overwhelming the you will end up divorced. Marriage is good for women and kids, but terrible for men. No way am I going to risk my wealth on a woman who gets fat and cuts her hair off because now she thinks she has the power to control me.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tascam said:


> The is absolutely no reason for a man to get married in the USA.


I can think of some reasons.

The woman makes better money, has assets, and has health insurance that the husband-to-be does not have.



slickplant35 said:


> Let me say a few things. No Tascam I didn't gain weight and if I did if he didn't like it well tooooo bad for better or for worse.


So the guy has to force himself to find his formerly thin / now fat wife to be attractive because he said his vows?

Some things cannot be forced. And I've seen countless examples where, once married, the thin sexy wife starts packing on the pounds and a few years into the marriage looks nothing like she did when she was carried over the threshold, in fact it would be impossible for one guy to carry her over the threshold or anywhere else due to the weight gain.


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