# Haunted by memories and realities



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Hi folks,

In a nutshell: married 30 years, separated 2 years during years 20-22. Husband had an affair. I had an emotional affair before his physical affair. Things were deteriorating for years. Reconciliation has been good for the most part. You can't erase memories. I had never seen my husband lose his temper in our marriage until he started having the affair. Then he became very verbally abusive. He has never once been that way since our reconciliation. He is, in general, support and sweet and a good provider. He does lie to me occassionally, and I just discovered that he has a very friendly relationship with several women at work. I know these women, and I do not think he is cheating or thinking about cheating. However....there are these memories....

So, today we were doing some shopping in the mall and I was hit with this wave of sadness. I started to tear up. My husband had to go into a store, so I said I would wait outside. I needed to figure out what I was feeling. It suddenly dawned on me. He keeps asking what I want for Christmas. So sweet, but we had just walked by Victoria's Secret. The only time he ever bought anything there was for the woman he had the affair with. He has never bought anything for me from there.

So I am thinking about this, and suddenly, out of the blue, I remember an email the I intercepted between him and his secretary back when he was starting to look for an affair. Things were horrible between us - this was 12 years ago. It was a very sexual, titillating email. My husband never talks to me that way. He does not engage in dirty talk or fantasy talk with me and if I try to encourage him to, he just says he does not know how or he is not comfortable.

We have very little sex life. He never approaches me for sex. If I ask, he generally is ready. As he has aged and due to a health issue, erections are not easy to maintain. He does not take the daily medication he was prescribed to help with this(Cialis). When we were on vacation, I said we had to have sex every day. He was ok with that and even gave me oral without asking - that is the first time he gave me oral since he was having the affair (yes, he slept with me when he was with the other woman - sadly, though the sex was great, I realized when I discovered the other woman that I was being used.)

So, what do you all think of this? We have good times together. He is a loving husband. We take good care of each other and spend a lot of time together. I am slim and athletic, but I am 55. I do know that he masturbates to porn some times because he has done it next to me when he thought I was asleep. That's a whole other thing. The other night, I decided to masturbate with him next to me. I knew he was not asleep. In the morning, he smiled and said, "I think something happened last night that I would have liked to have been a part of." Huh? Then why did you not join in???

Should I just walk away from this BS? For as good as he is, I feel like crap and I keep remembering these things because he does not show me that he sexually wants ME.

Thanks.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Nicky
I decided to masturbate with him next to me. I knew he was not asleep. In the morning, he smiled and said, "I think something happened last night that I would have liked to have been a part of." Huh? Then why did you not join in???*

I suggest that you ask him to pleasure you more often. Say you feel horny and you need his help. I bet he is embarrassed, doesn't want to impose on you, or feels guilty about his past affairs.

Your H isn't the only man that has some anxiety about being more sexual with his W. The myth is "all men want all the sex they can get" comes with a few men not feeling confident to ask or initiate because they think they might upset the W or be labeled as one of the men that is a sexually selfish person.

Some women also have the idea if they act more sexual, they will be criticized for being abnormal.

I may be all wet about the above but here is my position. When I was younger all I heard was W' don't like sex all that much and if you ask for sex too often, she will resent you (the H). another myth I got was when a W has kids and work (she is overloaded) don't expect much sex because if you do (the H) then you (the H) are being selfish, so be a good boy and give mama a break.

Then there are some men/H that think girlfriends are sexy but moms need to be respected and the sexy part dissipates or turns to respect instead of sexuality.

I read several stories about men having psychological induce ED after the affair is discovered and over because of the H's internal shame..... but very few men are willing to admit to having shame even post affair and when in counseling. Men fear being vulnerable, so act like most things or everything is under control.

Sorry to hear you are feeling devalued. Lots of people are in similar mental states. I know it makes life difficult. I have a W that thinks old men that are interested in sex are perverts. Yes it hurts.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NickyT said:


> We have very little sex life. He never approaches me for sex. If I ask, he generally is ready. As he has aged and due to a health issue, erections are not easy to maintain. He does not take the daily medication he was prescribed to help with this(Cialis). When we were on vacation, I said we had to have sex every day. He was ok with that and even gave me oral without asking - that is the first time he gave me oral since he was having the affair.
> 
> So, what do you all think of this? We have good times together. He is a loving husband. We take good care of each other and spend a lot of time together. I am slim and athletic, but I am 55. I do know that he masturbates to porn some times because he has done it next to me when he thought I was asleep. That's a whole other thing. The other night, I decided to masturbate with him next to me. I knew he was not asleep. In the morning, he smiled and said, "I think something happened last night that I would have liked to have been a part of." Huh? Then why did you not join in???
> 
> ...


This breaks my heart.
Too often, it seems one partner is High Desire, the other is Low Desire. 
Both of you had affairs, you first.

Did he know of your' EA affair prior to his PA.

Keep this in mind. You claim it was an EA. He may think otherwise.
If he knew about your affair, could his have been a revenge affair?

Please fill in these important facts.

The whole situation may stem back to your initial affair. He lost respect for you. He may love you, but also harbor bad thoughts.
A man's erection is a tricky thing. His mind may be interfering with his sexual desire for you. I would bet on it.

How important is sex to you? If very important, than know that this situation will only get worse.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

You have a normal husband for his age. All this fantasy dirty talk stuff is garbage in marriage. If he is willing to be sexual with you even if you're the one that pursues then all is good. I just think you are over thinking things. I think most marriage couples would trade places with ya in a heartbeat.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Handy said:


> *
> 
> I suggest that you ask him to pleasure you more often. Say you feel horny and you need his help. I bet he is embarrassed, doesn't want to impose on you, or feels guilty about his past affairs.
> 
> ...


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Did he know of your' EA affair prior to his PA.
> 
> Keep this in mind. You claim it was an EA. He may think otherwise.
> If he knew about your affair, could his have been a revenge affair?
> ...


Thanks for your commnts

Yes, he knew of the EA prior to his PA. As it turned out, though, he was pursuing other women - including the steamy email with his secretary before he knew of the EA. The PA was long after the end of the EA. He knew it was not physical - the man lived a couple thousand miles away.

Sex is not as important as being sexy with him - especially since I know he has been this way with other women.

He tells me he loves me every day, and we have romantic dinners, etc. There is absolutely no passion from him to me.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Sounds like a pretty good marriage to me sometimes marriage is not a hallmark movie. Geez if he loves you and y'all are sexual with each other then all is well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think it would be sad for the marriage to end over this. You have both worked though the cheating to some extent, and the marriage seems basically loving, and surely with some good marriage counselling things will improve?. 
Do you tell him the things that you have told us here? The thing is that basically most men are not mind readers and need to be told how you feel and what you are struggling with, otherwise how will he know?

Maybe you need to begin to see what you do have in this marriage, and that sounds like a lot, rather than what you think you should have. Then work on those other things with help from a marriage counsellor. 

A large part of marriage is companionship, being great friends and sharing things together. Its accepting the good with the not so good.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

If your H says he doesn't know what to do to give you pleasure, here is a video of how to stroke a clit and labia.

The other thing is a book "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman"

Another thing is him using s vibrator on you, which doesn't take much effort on his part, but you have to say what you like and what doesn't work for you. No laying there and taking something you don't like. 

Remember it is better to say what you like, that gives him clues as to what works for you no matter how sex happens.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NickyT said:


> Thanks for your commnts
> 
> Yes, he knew of the EA prior to his PA. As it turned out, though, he was pursuing other women - including the steamy email with his secretary before he knew of the EA. The PA was long after the end of the EA. He knew it was not physical - the man lived a couple thousand miles away.
> 
> ...


Well,

The only hope, and it is small is to implement some version of the '180'.

Being polite, and yet, cool towards him.
Pulling yourself away, being busy doing other things.

This next is important...
Being ever happy, not phony happy and gleeful. Give an honest appearance of being happy without him.
Go out often....go places without him. Do not give him the impression that you are cheating, just that you are self sufficient. Do things with your girlfriends.

Make him miss you, Make him come to you.

I cannot say that this will work, or that your' marriage will turn for the better. 
I am an Astrologer, not a Wizard. Well, not on this our Earth, anyway.

Good luck, Dear.

SunCMars-


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have you told him you liked the sex when he had the affair, that you want Victoria's Secret and some sexy, dirty talk like his secretary got?

Your age isn't a factor. My wife is 58 and I'm 47.

We keep it hot and will continue to. I would have to be in a coma not to bring her off orally or manually.

Your husband is being lazy?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So a few things. I think you should tell us your whole story. More information is good. How long was your EA? Did you tell the person you loved them? How did your husband find out, does he know you said that to the person? Did you send pictures or have phone sex? Is your AP still around? Did you decide immediately to R? I suspect and I think maybe you do too, that that broke the bond with your husband and may have destroyed his confidence. Maybe he doubted and still does doubt you love for him which helped him down a bad path, sounds like he was already on it. But the way you described it sending one dirty email though really wrong is different not a full blow PA. So I am sure it at least had some effect. 

Was his affair when you were separated? Did you separate after his affair? Does he consider it an affair? Did you always consider it such or only came to that conclusion afterwords. 

How long was his affair, who was it with? How did you find out? I am assuming this is a full on PA? Did he tell her he loved her? How did it end? Did you decide immediately to R? I she still around? Why did you decide to take him back?

What steps have both of you taken to repair you marriage. What steps have each of you taken to repair yourselves. 

All of this is important, and can help with the advice here. Because problems in the bedroom often come from problems outside of the bedroom. 

So you say he never was sexual, or sensual with you? Even when you were first dating? How did you meet?

What are your schedules like? Work, time together?

As far as the sex issue. My suggestion to you is to be more sexual around your husband. Like what you did the other night. Sit him down, and tell him you want him to watch and then do it. But make a show of it. I wonder if maybe part of his issue is that he just doesn't see you as sexual. You may have to change that perception, however if you do that may entirely fix your problem. Or it may highlight what I am saying and you can work on that. Maybe you need to see a sex specialist. 

Before you do all that though I suggest you do what I say, be more sexual around him. Also tell him how you feel. Here is the deal from a man's perspective. If he has been with you a long time, it can be hard to change perception. Also if you have never expressed this it's possible he just thinks you really don't desire this. I could be long ago he did try and you rebuffed him. You may not even remember, but he will, ask him about that. It could also be that the way he tried to do this didn't come across right or maybe you were still dealing with the after effects of the affair and were not open to it, or even had the ability at the time to get what he was trying to do. 

Whatever it is you need to start the conversation, but you also need to help change his perception of you. The best way to do that is to show a strong desire for him in a sexual way. (That may be hard for you, but you should try it.) The good news it that right now he may not really see you that way, but lucky for all of us our (meaning men's) nature will overrule that. You persistently do what I say and it will change naturally. It may scare him, so it's good to also talk about it. Often when wives do this we tell the husband's to check the phone because a lot of times this can happen in the aftermath of an affair. She is trying to make it up to her husband and also reestablish a connection. She may also be down on herself because the affair has ended, or even hyper-sexual. So that is another reason to talk about all this. 

You also need to check if he is not still hurt, still thinks you are hurt, or is ashamed of himself and that is stopping him. 

The thing about affairs is that bring destruction that last pretty much forever. I just changes the nature of your relationship. It's like rape or assault in that way. You have to now learn to live with this ugly stuff you now added to the relationship. I probably don't have to tell you that, but that is why I am asking so much about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@NickyT, Did your husband know about your affair before he had his affair?

If he did, it's highly possible that he was angry with you because of your affair, not because he was having a revenge affair.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Handy said:


> Another thing is him using s vibrator on you, which doesn't take much effort on his part, but you have to say what you like and what doesn't work for you. No laying there and taking something you don't like.
> 
> Remember it is better to say what you like, that gives him clues as to what works for you no matter how sex happens.
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-86ZJvBBnNU


I have tried to introduce a vibrator - he says he does not know how to use it on me and he will be with me while I use it on myself. I do not just lay there. I am always trying to get him to do the things that I like. He simply does not or gives it a [email protected] try and says he does not know what he is doing. 

My husband likes sex one way - very little foreplay and the foreplay there is is basically me getting him ready for penetration. He will clumsily rub my clitoras for a few seconds, and then move for penetration. When we were young and I orgasmed very readily and had such a high sex drive that worked out great. He has not taken well to my aging.

What I am discovering from this post is that my husband, while sweet and good, is a lazy, selfish lover. He has his own fantasies that he does not make me a part of and he likes his women a way that I am not. He likes women who wear makeup and dress a little provocatively. I am a professional gardener....getting dolled up is saved to special occasions. He said to me in a surprised tone not to long ago "You do clean up." He flirts a lot at work, I have discovered - not sexual at all, but definitely flirty and he likes the attention he gets from other women (he has admitted these things to me.)

Ugh.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @NickyT, Did your husband know about your affair before he had his affair?
> 
> If he did, it's highly possible that he was angry with you because of your affair, not because he was having a revenge affair.


yes, he did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NickyT said:


> yes, he did.


Then that probably explains his anger.


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