# How much say do you have in regard to a spouse' body?



## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

This is more of a philosophical question than anything else, though it is at least driven by real-life experiences.

As a married person, how much say do you/should you have in regard to your spouse's body? Not that I am a religious person, but I grew up in a catholic family and heard many times "and they shall become one flesh." 

Obviously, we all have individual rights to our bodies. But as a spouse, we all also have a vested interest in the other person's body. 

It could be from a health perspective - I want my spouse to live a long time because I love him/her and want a long and happy life with him/her. 

It could be from a sexual perspective - my spouse is my only sexual partner and therefore they have a certain level of responsibility to meet my needs, which may/may not include the enjoyment I specifically get from their body. 

I am sure there are others, but those two come to mind.

So as a spouse, do we have a right to ask a spouse to:

See a doctor?
Exercise/eat better?
Lose weight?
Change their hairstyle?
Shave?
Get/remove tattoos?

What we do with our bodies will, directly or indirectly, affect our spouses and vice versa... how much responsibility do we as spouses have to each other to take care of ourselves or keep a certain aesthetic that our spouse finds pleasing? If my husband asks me NOT to dye my hair blonde, and I do it anyway... am I being disrespectful or is he being controlling? If I ask him to go to the doctor to get a physical, should he because his health affects me too, or am I just being a nag?

I doubt there is a clear right/wrong answer - I am just curious to hear people's opinions.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This is actually a very interesting topic. My wife and I Have not set really clear boundaries But we're always talking to each other.

She doesn't like it if I show too much skin. I don't want her to get a belly button ring.

There are a lot of things That we simply choose for ourselves And neither one of us complain. 

I think every couple has some right To at least influence Their partners choices about their body.

I am going to have a conversation With a couple I know About this very subject. They are both trying to make each other Into something they're not. She is a wild child And he is a computer geek.

I am going to tell them To love who they married. Its okay to influence your spouse But I don't think it's okay To try and change them into something else.

I think a hot, Tough girl With an intelligent Computer geek It's pretty damn cute.

They should just be themselves And enjoy the stares.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A spouse has the "right" to ask anything. The more communication the better! 

But... we all own our own body. I never understand how a wife may not like facial hair, so the husband gripes about not being allowed to grow a beard. "Allowed" should not enter the picture, in my opinion. 

I think the best we can hope for is to put our thoughts, opinions, suggestions and logic out there and hope that it works out. Whether it is health related or cosmetic.... I think that we can keep our spouses' preferences in mind....but I also think like Conan does, that we should love the person that we married. Hair, tattoos, whatever....are just decorations, and I don't want to mandate how my spouse decorates himself (or not, whatever the case may be). 

If it's a health issue, then we can suggest, we can show love and concern... but it's still their body, their life.

eta: So to answer the question, we really don't have any "say", because we don't have ownership.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I asked this from a year ago.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...o-much-change-without-agreement-too-much.html

When is my body your body in marriage and how much change should be agreed on? I parsed this into various points. Which point is too far? What happens when they simply can not agree?
Happened in my social circle friend of a friend. I came in sort of middle-ish in this time frame. Not exact but close to actual sequence.
Origin Week 0 
It started of all noble. Wife had mid shoulder length hair. He loved it. Wife gets head shaved for cancer research (St Baldrick I think) he supports her though not attracted to short hair much less a crew cut. He gets agreement she will regrow the hair. (at 5 inches a year a 2-3 year process) Nonetheless she goes through with it and he supports her good deed. That is what spouses do. Of course short hair is easier to take care of so one day he notices she gets a haircut about 4-5 months in. Sort of a ?Pixie? but much shorter. Kind of like a bit shorter than Jamie Lee Curtis is now. She says shes not going to grow out and this is it.
Point 1 Week 20ish
Wife gets new (punk? Goth?) friend met at work. (never saw her) 
She gets an extra ear piercing. He's meh on it
Point 2 Week 22 ish
Belly button piercing. He's meh on it but getting worried
point 3 Week 23 ish
Teddy bear tattoo on shoulder HATES it. She says “my body”
point 4 Week 25ish
barb wire tattoo on arm HATES it. She says “my body”
point 5 Week 30ish
5 inch tattoo (Big red rose) on one arm LOATHES it. He gets enraged at this point. She says “my body”
point 6 Week 32ish
Nostril piercing and eyebrow. Arguing constantly at this point. His attraction to her near zero at this point.
Point 7 Week 40ish
nipple piercing stopped talking to each other about here
Point 8 Week 42ish
gets a full sleeve tattoo on other arm. (More rose art)
Point 9 Week 48 ish
privates piercing Enraged that this was performed by a man besides the piercing itself. (not sure how he found out if they weren't talking (told friend???))
Point 10. about a year they separated.
skipping some probably but she ends up “looking like she fell in a tackle box” and tattooed all over.
Divorce near done. He won't even look at her. Says to the effect that the woman he married is gone. She hangs more with new work friend circle than in my circle at the time. Saw her a few times toward the end. Blah. Many of the details are from friends in this circle of friends. Saw a pic of her before her transformation. Pretty woman. Not a model but certainly a bit above average.

To me that is a deal breaker to change like that in ways the partner hates.

Say. Quite a bit. I say if my wife does the above my attraction to her is literally zero. She has the right to do the changes and I have the right to think is is excessively unattractive and divorce.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I think we have the right to ask a spouse to see a doctor and to point out that if they don't, they should not expect us to be their nursemaid if something gets very bad.

Beyond that I see no reason not to express preferences about the other issues, but I don't think we have any right to expect our spouse to abide by all of our preferences.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Very interesting topic. W and I have been watching House of Cards. This morning she said she was thinking of getting her hair cut like Robin Wright, a style I do not happen to like at all. I said "It's your hair, but please don't." So she'll probably get a shorter cut in another style. She has mentioned tattoos in the past, but I definitely do not like them, so she hasn't pursued. I know what she prefers in my facial grooming, and I stick with that. We don't explicitly ask each other about these things, but we do feel free to express our opinions. So far nothing has come up that we haven't been able to accommodate without any rancor.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, I do think that a spouse has the right to opinions regarding the other spouses body, at least to some degree. Can you ask a spouse to see the doctor? Of course. Can you demand your wife get breast implants, piercings, and tattoos? Not so much. I do think it's a good idea to think about what kind of impact you're likely to have with what you're about to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Weightlifter. I remember that story. Pretty bad.
She was in all likelyhood, checking out of the marriage and was using tattoos and piercing to drive home the point.

The couple I was referring to were like this when they married. She wants him to be more of a bad boy and he wants her to be a prim China doll. They married each other the way they are. I'm for compromise with your spouse but not trying to make them into something else.

The lady you described landed her husband and then decided to change who she was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Philat said:


> W and I have been watching House of Cards. This morning she said she was thinking of getting her hair cut like Robin Wright, a style I do not happen to like at all.


Philat, we watch H of C too... I know what you mean about not liking Robin Wright's hairstyle. I am a woman, I was just commenting to SO last night how much I DISLIKE Robin Wright's hair. It is very short, very masculine looking, and very unflattering. I say this because RW used to have the most beautiful, long wavy hair. She was so pretty then. Not so much now.

I hope you get your way on this one


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Women say it is my body and they kill their baby instead of giving birth when the dad is willing to raise the child alone.

So to talk about haircut, tattoos, nipple and belly piercing is comical when comparing those actions to ending her child's life.

I well say this women work to make themselves attractive. They get their man.

Men are visual. They sign up and marry. Then the wife changes how she looks and expects her husband to like the new look. When the new look is nothing like what he signed up for.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Its all about what you sign up for.

My nephew's GF has a lot of tattoos. He signed up for it. If they marry well that is what he signed up for. 

The man in my outer outer circle signed up for a traditional looking woman. He got a walking tackle box.

Question: Is that de facto marital abandonment? And at what point in that example?

Conan. You are likely correct. Heck thinking on it, perhaps a workplace based affair? We will never know.

Funny story about nephew. Nephew is son of wife sister. Wife sister calls wife. "Nephew came home last week to take his queen sized bed" Wife had no idea what it was for and was wondering.

I was silently thinking, "good job kid" but kept mouth shut. Yep GF was official GF like 2 weeks later and obviously did not like sharing the twin size roll away he was using before. They are together a year+ now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

theroad said:


> Women say it is my body and they kill their baby instead of giving birth when the dad is willing to raise the child alone.
> 
> So to talk about haircut, tattoos, nipple and belly piercing is comical when comparing those actions to ending her child's life.
> 
> ...



Take your politics elsewhere. Good for you that you don't have to worry about injury and death through pregnancy and childbirth like I did. Until you do your opinion is worthless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm not a Christian, and we didn't have traditional marriage vows, but this does come to mind from the Bible:



> Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become *one flesh*


If you hold to this, it seems to imply that both have significant say about each other's bodies because they are part of ours, but since *they both do*, it becomes a negotiation - from abortion to weight loss and anything in between or beyond.

It seems that most people have a pretty good idea of their partner's preferences and boundaries, and know when they can take unilateral decisions, and when to discuss them. Of course, some will dismiss any such vows - just like some will dismiss other vows - and act in what they see as their own best interest.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Things need to be made clear before you marry. If your expectation is that your girlfriend maintains some level of her shape and attractiveness no matter what that entails then no problem.

What I have read here from time to time is that a guy will marry a woman with a weight problem and then be frustrated she has a weight problem. Umm you knew what you signed up for. Another example I read from some years ago was a guy who liked curvy big breasted women who married a stick figure and expected her to get implants..... WTH why did you marry her then?

For me personally I don't like tattoos. Just personal preference. I have none and don't like them on women. So if I married a woman covered in tats that wanted me to get a bunch and whom I didn't find attractive then that would be on both us for making poor choices

So yes I think to a large degree you should have a say in your spouses body. Just don't get to complain if you pick someone who you didn't like in the first place


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Things need to be made clear before you marry. If your expectation is that your girlfriend maintains some level of her shape and attractiveness no matter what that entails then no problem.
> 
> What I have read here from time to time is that a guy will marry a woman with a weight problem and then be frustrated she has a weight problem. Umm you knew what you signed up for. Another example I read from some years ago was a guy who liked curvy big breasted women who married a stick figure and expected her to get implants..... WTH why did you marry her then?
> 
> ...


Preach it!
Hubby and I don't like tattoos either, but we do like that show Tattoo Nightmares.....the best part isn't even the tattoos themselves, it's the stories of how they got the tattoos.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

This is just another one of these themes that comes down to mutual respect and communication. Individuals have the say- so to do what they want with their own body but if you don't take your partner's desires into account before deciding, then why even get married? 

Lady Convection wears her hair longer than she personally prefers. She does it because she knows I like it. I am about to retire from military service and haven't had facial hair in years. I don't care for it (too itchy) but she thinks she will really like a goatee on me ... so I am going to grow one out. I mean, she's the one that has to look at me so if she likes it, I can deal - especially when I see her washing and drying her beautiful hair that she's keeps really long (past her shoulder blades) just for me. 

Communicate and compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Convection said:


> This is just another one of these themes that comes down to mutual respect and communication. Individuals have the say- so to do what they want with their own body but if you don't take your partner's desires into account before deciding, then why even get married?
> 
> Lady Convection wears her hair longer than she personally prefers. She does it because she knows I like it. I am about to retire from military service and haven't had facial hair in years. I don't care for it (too itchy) but she thinks she will really like a goatee on me ... so I am going to grow one out. I mean, she's the one that has to look at me so if she likes it, I can deal - especially when I see her washing and drying her beautiful hair that she's keeps really long (past her shoulder blades) just for me.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Much the same boat for me. My wife keeps her hair longer because she knows I like it, while I keep my hair cut very short because she likes it.

I am a firm believer that every one of us has a right to control our body as we see fit. But none of us has the right to demand that there be no consequences to those actions. And when you ignore your spouse on these things, you are sending a message.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You have exactly as much authority over your spouse's body as your spouse is willing to give you. Everything else is rhetoric.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The idea that anyone would do something in contravention of what they want, to themselves because someone told them or asked them is completely alien to me. My wife is a grown up. She wants to do whatever she wants to herself, great. Just don't ask me about it for 6 months beforehand, then ignore whatever I say and turn around and complain about your results, blaming me for them, by implication. 

You've had cancer, you still smoke, you don't take care of yourself, you haven't seen a doctor in 20 years and all you eat is junkfood. You dress like a crazy cat woman and I swear those are Fritos crumbs in your hair. 

Live Long and Prosper.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Much the same boat for me. My wife keeps her hair longer because she knows I like it, while I keep my hair cut very short because she likes it.


I keep my hair longer than shoulder length because my husband prefers it that way. I know he's not a fan of short, boyish haircuts although I think I could rock one. 

His opinion matters the most to me after my own. I honestly can't think of a situation where what he's wanted was in stark contrast to what I've wanted. We generally find the same things attractive. It's true that my body is mine and his is his, but a marriage is partnership. If we take the attitude "well, it's my freaking body and I'll do with it what I like! I don't need your appproval", the partnership is going to be fractured before long. To me that kind of reaction is like a toddler tantrum. It's better to spend the time working through our feelings about the situation and come to a conclusion we both feel comfortable with. That's what adults do in long-term relationships.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Its all about what you sign up for.
> 
> My nephew's GF has a lot of tattoos. He signed up for it. If they marry well that is what he signed up for.
> 
> ...


That's hard to say, but after the first two or three changes, red flags should have been waving. I don't think one can draw a hard and fast line. I myself do not like tatoos, but that's probably a result of when I grew up (they were not popular then). But some are rather discreet, many are not.



> Conan. You are likely correct. Heck thinking on it, perhaps a workplace based affair? We will never know.
> 
> Funny story about nephew. Nephew is son of wife sister. Wife sister calls wife. "Nephew came home last week to take his queen sized bed" Wife had no idea what it was for and was wondering.
> 
> I was silently thinking, "good job kid" but kept mouth shut. Yep GF was official GF like 2 weeks later and obviously did not like sharing the twin size roll away he was using before. They are together a year+ now.


Yup. We can probably guess that she put her foot down. When I was his age, I could sleep anywhere and on anything if I had a girl with me. Girls are often more sensible than that.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Cletus said:


> You have exactly as much authority over your spouse's body as your spouse is willing to give you. Everything else is rhetoric.


Will you stop being realistic?  We are having too much fun with this thread.

Also to the point, the issue is (or should be) should your spouse be willing to take your opinion into account.

As Convection wrote:


> This is just another one of these themes that comes down to mutual respect and communication. Individuals have the say- so to do what they want with their own body but if you don't take your partner's desires into account before deciding, then why even get married?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

FoodFrenzy said:


> So as a spouse, do we have a right to ask a spouse to:
> 
> See a doctor?
> Exercise/eat better?
> ...


As for eating healthier, exercising, going to the doctor, hair preferences I would say, Ask, yes! Demand, no! Always with the attitude that I love you dearly no matter what! As to losing weight, getting more muscular, you need to tread carefully. Eating and exercising for health should help both of those and if they don't there may be a medical issue or unrealistic expectations. I think communicating is never a bad thing as long as it's done with love and respect.

In my opinion a spouse who does something like haircuts, piercings, and tatoos that is expressly against their spouses wishes is being disrespectful.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Take your politics elsewhere. Good for you that you don't have to worry about injury and death through pregnancy and childbirth like I did. Until you do your opinion is worthless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being pregnant is not a medical emergency.

Yes there can be life threatening complications.

Killing a baby should never be a form of birth control.

One does not have to be pregnant to realize that killing a baby as a means of birth control is moral.

It is called morals, not politics.

Then you should not be here talking about affairs because they are not illegal.

To be moral as you want to pick and choose what you like and what only is easy is not being moral.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

See a doctor? He allows me to make every appointment...over any concern.... he knows I am a worry wort over health issues if they could be anything remotely serious... I used to read health books religiously & I posted on a health forum for a time.. Very important to us...so we can make it to the rocking chairs together.

Exercise/eat better? when I've attempted cooking "healthy"...trying to lower our cholesterol levels ...he told me I was feeding him cardboard....yet he would down it with a  ....he knew my heart was in the right place...just wanting him to live a long long time... 

He swallows every vitamin in the AM not even knowing what they are...because he trusts my judgement.....he mentions us starting to exercise together again...he knows I hate doing it...but I know he just wants the best for us...which I love him for..

Lose weight? we've always talked openly about what we find attractive...we care to please each other here... also it makes us feel better about ourselves 

Change their hairstyle? .... Shave?... When he was younger, he grew his hair longer..FOR ME...... he knows I find beards unattractive, so he's never grown one (though he wouldn't miss this)....

Because I love the "stubble look"....he doesn't jump to shave...he has to enjoy some of the sexy comments touching his face...hot feedback helps!..... I know he doesn't like short hair on women... so I've never cut mine...

Get/remove tattoos?..non issue here... neither has one or ever wanted one... 

When it comes to sexual pleasure... We feel like this scripture below.....last night he slipped before me... it's rare but he always feels bad...he so wants to please me.... I told him I'd wake him a little early & I'd get mine...he was all for that....(at his age, he needs some hours inbetween).....

I got mine..but then he couldn't get his again.... -tomorrow we'll be on the same track again.... We aim to pleasurably Give to each other... it full fills something in both of us... We do see each other as "one".


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