# Divorce regrets



## Girl_power

How many people out there regret their first divorce? Or wish they had done things differently, or tried harder or maybe let things go more. 


I’ll start. I filed for divorce, but I didn’t want it, he did. I would have done anything to save it, but he was over it. So I regret my divorce, even though there was nothing I could have done. Obviously in hindsight I wish I acted and behaved differently.


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## Diana7

I had no choice but to end my marriage due to the seriousness of what I had discovered. I would never have ended it otherwise and it was 2 years after the separation before I felt ready to actually end the marriage legally. My husband had no choice as she divorced him, he would never have divorced her.


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## TXTrini

I've filed for and been divorced twice and I don't regret either one. I'm still not sure Wtf happened the first time around, but when someone asks you to leave for a while to see if they miss you, I don't know about you, but I'm a gtfo, we were WAY too young anyway. This time around, he cheated and I finally came to my senses thanks to you folks and let the garbage take itself out. 

There's a limit to what you can do, even if you crawl backwards on your ass if both people aren't onboard. At the end of the day, why fight for someone who won't fight for you? Chuck those regret out the window girl and stop looking backwards!

Although I have no regrets, I'm grieving for the dream that's dead and gone now.


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## minimalME

Whenever I read or hear stories about people who say they'd marry their spouse all over again, I often wonder if they're telling the truth, or saying what they know they're supposed to say?

And it's always a surprise when I hear about people who've gotten divorced but end up having sex somehow.

Those experiences are so foreign to me.

With the exception of my children's lives, I regret my marriage - not my divorce.


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## Openminded

minimalME said:


> Whenever I read or hear stories about people who say they'd marry their spouse all over again, I often wonder if they're telling the truth, or saying what they know they're supposed to say?
> 
> And it's always a surprise when I hear about people who've gotten divorced but end up having sex somehow.
> 
> Those experiences are so foreign to me.
> 
> With the exception of my children's lives, I regret my marriage - not my divorce.


I agree.

Except for my child, I deeply regret my marriage but definitely not my divorce.


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## RandomDude

Nope, don't regret it one bit. We're better off as friends.

Never really loved her, thought I did, but always kept her and past women at arms reach. Don't know how she put up with me for that long either, girlfriend wonders that too considering how I treated her, and others. Never transparent, vulnerable, or completely open with them. Not like now.

What I DO regret, is not knowing better. I should never have married her let alone a long term relationship.


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## Hiner112

minimalME said:


> And it's always a surprise when I hear about people who've gotten divorced but end up having sex somehow.


My sex with the ex story:

My ex told me she was leaving August 2018 and she moved out in September. The next January her grandfather went into the hospital and died about 6 months later a few days before her birthday. It was about this time we were making the last preparations to get the divorce paperwork done. She asked if we could go out and talk about some things. 

She asked things like if I saw us getting back together which led me to believe that she was having doubts. We talked about family logistics and financial agreements. She talked a bit about getting older and how she might end up alone (and ordered another drink).

She talked about her mortality how she was stressed out on the way back home (we had carpooled to the restaurant) and when we got home she asked if I could hold her for a bit. Later she asked if we could have sex. I agreed. It kind of felt like a chore and I didn't really feel good about the experience during or afterwards. I was doing a favor for the mother of my children because she was hurting.

She did ask the next week if a FWB situation was a possibility. My internal reaction was along the lines of, "if you wanted to have sex with me so much, why didn't you do that while we were married [email protected]#$!" and a huge shot of adrenaline but I just said that I didn't know if I could separate sex from feelings and I didn't want any feelings for my ex.

Back on topic, I don't know if I can have an opinion on the divorce really. My ex didn't have any really serious complaints about me but did have a long list of relatively minor ones. During the discussions, she kept saying that she felt guilty for divorcing me because there wasn't really anything wrong with me and I was a great guy but just not for her. She wanted the freedom of not having to consider anyone else's opinion when she made a decision and to live as an adult on her own which she never had really done before. I can't help but think that a couple years later, after paying her own bills and doing her own housework, that she probably appreciates what I did for her a bit more. She might make a decent girlfriend for someone later but I don't think she should ever get married.

The marriage wasn't a terrible idea at the time. The first quarter was good. The last quarter she was planning her getaway and probably doesn't _really_ count though it sucked. The middle half had ups and downs with a downward slope. There always seemed to be hope around the corner (once we're out of the military and have some stability things will get better, once the kids are more independent she'll be more relaxed, if I do just a little bit more at home it will be enough, etc) that never actually materialized.


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## Rowan

I regret having wasted so many years with the person my ex-husband turned out to be. I've never regretted divorcing him for even a second.


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## 2&out

Zero regrets divorcing. Regret I waited too long to do it the second time. I had sex after with my first ex a few dozen times and it was actually pretty great. I think neither of us cared if the other was satisfied or how it felt for the other so we just took advantage of each other - or at least that was the extent of it for me. Second ex I have never seen or spoken to since the final court declaration and never will.


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## BluesPower

Girl_power said:


> How many people out there regret their first divorce? Or wish they had done things differently, or tried harder or maybe let things go more.
> 
> I’ll start. I filed for divorce, but I didn’t want it, he did. I would have done anything to save it, but he was over it. So I regret my divorce, even though there was nothing I could have done. Obviously in hindsight I wish I acted and behaved differently.


If you behaved poorly and your H just got tired of it and through in the towel, then I can see some regret with that. 

I get it. 

However, for me, and for most people that I know, their divorce was like rebirth on a hundred different levels. 

I do not regret divorcing for one second, in any way...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

minimalME said:


> Whenever I read or hear stories about people who say they'd marry their spouse all over again, I often wonder if they're telling the truth, or saying what they know they're supposed to say?
> 
> And it's always a surprise when I hear about people who've gotten divorced but end up having sex somehow.
> 
> Those experiences are so foreign to me.
> 
> With the exception of my children's lives, I regret my marriage - not my divorce.



Hey, when I was single, a hundred years ago, I had a lot of ex gfs and still had sex with them now and then. More than 1/2 at least.

Does that count?

Thankfully, never before divorced. All those shenanigans obviously before M.


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## minimalME

To me, girlfriends aren't the same. Guys come back around all the time to see if a woman is still willing to have sex with them.

Going through a divorce is sooo painful, and some people get so mean and nasty and vindictive.

So, why would you want any sort of intimacy with that person ever again?

And in my situation, we weren't having sex anyway, so I didn't even see him as a sexual being anymore, and I just wanted the power struggle over it to end.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Hey, when I was single, a hundred years ago, I had a lot of ex gfs and still had sex with them now and then. More than 1/2 at least.
> 
> Does that count?
> 
> Thankfully, never before divorced. All those shenanigans obviously before M.


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## BluesPower

minimalME said:


> To me, girlfriends aren't the same. Guys come back around all the time to see if a woman is still willing to have sex with them.
> 
> Going through a divorce is sooo painful, and some people get so mean and nasty and vindictive.
> 
> So, why would you want any sort of intimacy with that person ever again?
> 
> And in my situation, we weren't having sex anyway, so I didn't even see him as a sexual being anymore, and I just wanted the power struggle over it to end.


Some people do have sex with exs wives/husbands.

I never would, the thought of it makes me throw up a little in my mouth...


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## minimalME

I know they do, and I find it bizarre. 🙃



BluesPower said:


> Some people do have sex with exs wives/husbands.


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## LisaDiane

I've lost a little piece of my heart with both of my failed marriages...I regret the loss of my dream of true love, I regret the breaking of my vows, I regret the pain that I caused them both, I regret trusting in something that turned out to be an illusion, and I regret getting married in the first place (especially since it wasn't my idea either time)...

YES, I regret getting divorced, and I even more regret putting myself in the position of being twice-divorced...it makes me nauseous even thinking of that. But that doesn't mean that divorce wasn't the right choice -- it absolutely was/is!!

But I'll always feel the loss of it...like a death.


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## BluesPower

LisaDiane said:


> I've lost a little piece of my heart with both of my failed marriages...I regret the loss of my dream of true love, I regret the breaking of my vows, I regret the pain that I caused them both, I regret trusting in something that turned out to be an illusion, and I regret getting married in the first place (especially since it wasn't my idea either time)...
> 
> YES, I regret getting divorced, and I even more regret putting myself in the position of being twice-divorced...it makes me nauseous even thinking of that. But that doesn't mean that divorce wasn't the right choice -- it absolutely was/is!!
> 
> But I'll always feel the loss of it...like a death.


That is kind of terrible, I am so sorry.


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## Imagirl

RandomDude said:


> What I DO regret, is not knowing better. I should never have married her let alone a long term relationship.


That. We were never a match. I tried...oh how I tried. Divorce is never what I wanted, all I ever wanted in life was a long happy marriage and kids to raise. Never wanted success or a sparkly life, just my own version of a little house on the prairie life.  I told him exactly what I needed. I asked. I begged. I pleaded. Then I left. No regrets.


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## Not

I don't regret my divorce at all. I hold marriage vows as something sacred but I also hold sacred the fact that I have just one life and it's going to be as healthy and happy as possible and that wasn't happening in my marriage.


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## LisaDiane

BluesPower said:


> That is kind of terrible, I am so sorry.


Thanks, but don't be...it sucks, but it's part of my life that I simply have to LIVE with, and I can. I'm just SAD about it, and nothing can change that. And that's ok too...I make up for that by being HAPPY about as many things as I can be as well!!


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## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> I've lost a little piece of my heart with both of my failed marriages...I regret the loss of my dream of true love, I regret the breaking of my vows, I regret the pain that I caused them both, I regret trusting in something that turned out to be an illusion, and I regret getting married in the first place (especially since it wasn't my idea either time)...
> 
> YES, I regret getting divorced, and I even more regret putting myself in the position of being twice-divorced...it makes me nauseous even thinking of that. But that doesn't mean that divorce wasn't the right choice -- it absolutely was/is!!
> 
> But I'll always feel the loss of it...like a death.


You voiced exactly how I felt about my 2nd marriage and divorce. The loss of that dream you talk about is the same one I am trying to make peace with. I thought I had that for most of that relationship (just under 20 yrs), then found out how much of a lie it was. Why can't people be honest about who they are and what they want from you?

I must be a sucker for punishment, I still believe in true love.


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## leftfield

minimalME said:


> Whenever I read or hear stories about people *who say they'd marry their spouse all over again*, I often wonder if they're telling the truth, or saying what they know they're supposed to say?
> 
> And it's always a surprise when I hear about people who've gotten divorced but end up having sex somehow.
> 
> Those experiences are so foreign to me.
> 
> With the exception of my children's lives, I regret my marriage - not my divorce.


OK, I know this is going off topic, but I just wanted to respond to this. When I say something like the bolded it is the truth. I will admit that I don't feel that way all of the time, probably about 90% or so of the time.


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## minimalME

That's wonderful! It's nice to know there are people like you out there. 😊



leftfield said:


> OK, I know this is going off topic, but I just wanted to respond to this. When I say something like the bolded it is the truth. I will admit that I don't feel that way all of the time, probably about 90% or so of the time.


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## Dadto2

Zero regrets divorcing my first wife (she had an affair). Lots and lots of regrets on pending 2nd divorce. No unfaithfulness, just poor planning and waited too late to work on marriage.


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## minimalME

For those of you who've gone through more than one divorce, are the problems that end the marriages similar?


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## Dadto2

minimalME said:


> For those of you who've gone through more than one divorce, are the problems that end the marriages similar?


Completely different in my case. First wife had no morals and stepped out of the marriage. Second wife, we both had kids and were blending, which is without question one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. She's a good woman and we plan to remain friends, marriage just didn't work.


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## TXTrini

minimalME said:


> For those of you who've gone through more than one divorce, are the problems that end the marriages similar?


No. First one we were both 20 and didn't know what marriage entailed, it didn't last a year. I also moved to a non-English speaking country and didn't fit in the culture, so I was happy to go back home.

Second time around, divorced at 40 after 12.5 years. He claimed he had erectile dysfunction for most of our marriage, but "for better or worse", right? Then he cheated with a 19 yo, and lived a double life for 18 months or so (that I know of). The LAST thing I wanted was to divorce, but there was no future with a deceitful, unfaithful, financially irresponsible, whoring drunk. Thankfully, I came to my senses within a few weeks of finding out about the affair, and didn't waste any more of my life on him.


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## MA33

My husband of 25 years walked out almost 4 years ago. Neither of us had moved on with anyone else, until just recently when he began a new relationship. I had always thought our 'paths' would cross again. We are the parents of two grown daughters and usually enjoy each other's company.. but.. I never understood why or even how he walked out. I do regret the grief and the loss. I feel it could have been avoided. And now, I'm feeling some pain over his choice to be involved with someone new. I am finding myself back at the counselors office.. I know one day I will reach 'no regrets' - it's in my thoughts daily..


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## WandaJ

one regret - waited too long....


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## AmbitiousOvercomer

Openminded said:


> I agree.
> 
> Except for my child, I deeply regret my marriage but definitely not my divorce.


Currently separated - I regret that I didn't start this process years ago....like 10 years ago. By now, I would be moved on and maybe even to a better life, only looking back to see how far I had come.


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## Openminded

AmbitiousOvercomer said:


> Currently separated - I regret that I didn't start this process years ago....like 10 years ago. By now, I would be moved on and maybe even to a better life, only looking back to see how far I had come.


Maybe this will make you feel a little better — I regret not starting the process three times longer than you do. Yes, I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage, with a cheater, that long. The red flags were there from the beginning but I convinced myself I was wrong. I wasn’t. We were very young when we got married but that’s no excuse. I just stayed too long. Period.


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## TomNebraska

Openminded said:


> I agree.
> 
> Except for my child, I deeply regret my marriage but definitely not my divorce.


This is exactly how I feel. I wish I could've left sooner, but I stayed for the kids' sake (they were very young when I realized it was not going to be possible to stay with her, as she was mentally and verbally abusive). 

I can't say "I never should have married her" because I love my kids more than anything else in the world & wouldn't have them otherwise, but... yeah, if I knew then what I know now, and knew how to maintain boundaries and personal space, I never would have married her. 

I do not regret the divorce at all. Was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. The moment after I finished moving out of the house, and closed the door behind me in my new house... I felt like I was *BORN AGAIN*. It was so sweet... even though everything was piled up in boxes, I hardly had any furniture and I hadn't yet filed for divorce (that would happen in a couple days), I felt like I had a second chance to live.


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## notmyjamie

the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner...although my kids had a 2 parent household growing up and it wasn’t until the last couple of years that our marriage didnt look normal to them so there is still a positive there. So I guess there are no regrets after all.


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## bkyln309

I regret I didnt walk out at year 5 instead of 15


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## Cooper

One thing I still regret post divorce is not enforcing the child support order. I am a man and the children stayed with me, I never asked for child support but the judge ordered her to pay support even though I had to pay spousal support. I never received a dime from her, the couple of times I brought it up the ex launched into typical hysteria and honestly I was worn out dealing with her so let it go.


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## Wolfman1968

Nope. No regrets at divorcing the first wife. The regret is only marrying her in the first place---especially as I had a huge load of misgivings at the time, and I only married due to psychological pressure.


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## Divinely Favored

BluesPower said:


> Some people do have sex with exs wives/husbands.
> 
> I never would, the thought of it makes me throw up a little in my mouth...


Yep when im done, im done. No going back, no being friends.


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## TomNebraska

I have absolutely no desire to see my XW ever again. I don't even see her as a woman & potential partner. It's odd, I've definitely had relationships "linger" where we break up, but keep hooking up, or call eachother months later... with my XW, it was all so caustic and nasty, I was just repelled by her as a person. No regrets or looking back whatsoever. I don't even know what I ever saw in her. I cannot even recall the sense of attraction at this point. And we were married 5 1/2 years, and dated for a year before that.


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## moco82

I had an experience where separation (a bit under a year) led to reconciliation, and it was the separation that saved the relationship. That old relationship was unsustainable and had to either terminate or be re-invented; in either case the old relationship had to end.


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## BlueWoman

I do not regret my divorce or my marriage. I filed because he said he no longer wanted to work on our marriage. I found out much later that he had cheated on me. Looking back, I realized that I should have left him ages before. But I wanted my marriage to work. If he hadn't called it quits we might still be married and I would be miserable. I wasn't a perfect wife and he wasn't a perfect husband (excluding the cheating). But I know for sure that I did the best that I could with the tools and knowledge I had at the time. If I could go back and do it again with what I know now, I would not marry him. But I didn't learn what I needed to know to make that decision until I married him.


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## joannacroc

No regrets on marrying XH - my wonderful boy came out of it! XH was a tool, but have made peace with who he is because we cannot raise a child together if we are fighting. There are times like many divorced parents I'm sure when I regret the hurt or damage that the divorce potentially will do to our son, even if he doesn't remember us together. But I don't know that i had much choice - it was that or stay with him and continue to have him cheat on me, which I feel would be traumatic for our soon too.


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## attheend02

I regret some of my actions that led to our divorce.

Had a lot of good times through the years.


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## Chuck71

As with many posters, I should have left earlier. In my case, five years earlier. In my case I wanted to save the M.

But once I was away from her for a couple weeks, I realized I did not wish to go back.

The very moment I began to pull away, she began reaching. But I never heard what I wanted to hear.

Monday will make it eight years since the D was final. I walked right into the "Tao." She made more reaches than a Roman

bathhouse on dime beer night. I blocked her from any way of contact years ago. She tried to contact me through her

brother (he and I are friends) a couple times.


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## AVR1962

My first husband and I were highschool sweethearts. I was very much in love with this man but I could not foresee what happened between us. We had LOTS of sex, weekends were spent in bed many times. Just a year into the marriage he wanted to wife swap and I told him I was not interested. He said it would be fun. So he set up a situation and I could not carry thru. he then suggested this with another friend of his and his wife. That friend took me aside and asked if my husband was serious and I told him he was but I was not interested. he told me then that I needed to leave the marriage. When I would not wife swap he then started cheating without my knowledge but I did notice his behavior was different. he would intentional start fights with me and then leave. His mother felt he might be seeing other women and suggested I follow him, by this time we had been married 7 years and had 2 children. Sure enough, I caught him with another woman. It broke my heart in two. We divorced, he went on his merry way with his lover, which did not last, I seriously struggled for a couple years after that. He soon remarried another woman, not the lady he ran off with, and he did the very same thing to her. She allowed one of his lovers to move in with them and they would have 3-somes which is beyond me but when he wanted to invite her best friend into the bedroom with them she filed for divorce. 

No regrets on my part except marry the man in the first place. I have struggled with trust issues since. My eyes are wide open to what men are capable of. I know that my ex is not the norm but he also is not the exception.


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