# Is this EA or friendship?



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

I really wish I had come across this site before...  My story began on Thanksgiving Day on 2010 when I saw a text on my husband's office phone. I called back and it was a women. I confronted and found out that he met her when he had gone on a business trip. I could never have imagined him doing anything like that. I went into deep depression. I also talked to her. My husband has obviously hidden the fact that he is married. 

Forward a year, I started seeing some unusual behaviour. He would come home late and lie to me all the time. I installed a tracking app on his phone and he would be at a particular Starbucks and lie to me. I told him and he got angry and broke his phone. I think that was in Oct 2011. This June, one day we had a fight before he was going on a business trip. I logged on to see call history and found a number he had called few times that day. I searched and found out that he had been calling that number almost everyday, many times a day. I decided to call that number. Ofcourse, it was a woman. I asked her if she know my husband. she said yes he is my friend who is going through major depression. she said she is glad that i called her and now I can take care of him. Later I called my husband and confronted. First he hung up the phone and then he said she is just a friend. We fought and he cired alot when I told him that she said that she felt like a trashcan as he dumped all his problem on her. 

My husband promised he would not call her again. I found out many times he had called her again. In Dec12 I set up a VAR and found out that he had called her again and said that we have an agreement and are staying together because of the kids and he misses her a lot. That was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Since then I don't know how to react, how to feel, how to trust... My kids are 13 and 10 and understand everything. I know they hate us for argueing and fighting but my emotions go out of hand and i cannot stop it. 

Thanks for reading my story...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Clearly an EA.


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## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

I agree it's an EA. 
If it was a "friendship" he wouldn't have to be so secretive about it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If it was a friendship, why would he be lying about it?

If he's met up with her it's probably also a PA. You need to do some more digging and see exactly what her side of the conversation is - don't take her word for it. Why would your husband stay in contact with her for two years if he wasn't getting sex out of it??


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

You're arguing and fighting. The kids hate it. This is horribly detrimental to kids and their memories will be of an unhappy childhood. You're husband is having some kind of an affair going on for years. This is not what marriage is all about. It's time to make the hard decision to leave.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

I know it is very bad for the kids. I hate it when I think about what they are going through. Now that he has promised me that he would not contact her in any way, what options do i have. 

I am totally confused. when I look at the call log, he has always called me after talking to her. He would make me breakfast everyday and insist I have my meals on time. He cared for me all this time and he is a good dad.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> You're arguing and fighting. The kids hate it. This is horribly detrimental to kids and their memories will be of an unhappy childhood. You're husband is having some kind of an affair going on for years. This is not what marriage is all about. It's time to make the hard decision to leave.


I agree with you on your latter points. But the arguing and fighting this woman is doing is not by herself. Please don't patronize her. No child is immune to unhappiness and nothing in this life guarantees 24/7 oblivion. She isn't breaking up the children's home. He and OW are. I want my children aware of reality, I refuse to sell them a fantasy.

I would not leave until I have the evidence and expose the guilty parties.

BTW. Definitely an EA, possibly a PA.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

EA and does not want to stop having one.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

Believe me, I want my girls to feel that marriage is a blessing. Two people decide to live together for rest of their lives for better or worse... but again nothing is static... People change, situations change and your experiences change you too...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How on earth could they have heard what he had to say when there was a horrible whining noise every time he spoke?

He seems to use these women as his very own pity party posse. But it seems he lied to them to gain their sympathy. And he played the: "But it's not like we have a real marriage, any more" lie.

He needs to act more like a husband and less like a kid.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> I am totally confused. *when I look at the call log, he has always called me after talking to her.* He would make me breakfast everyday and insist I have my meals on time. He cared for me all this time and he is a good dad.


My ex would do the SAME EXACT THING. 

When I did my investigating, I saw that he would call me, then the OW or her then me. ALWAYS. No matter what. The only thing I could chalk it up to was some sort of inner guilt he was feeling maybe. 

My ex and her were in a PA by the way. They were co-workers so had frequent access to each other. Do you know if this is the same woman from 2010 that you caught him with before?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Go see a lawyer. Take a copy of your tax returns and your bank statements & anyvother financial documents you can find. It's time to put a stop to this nonsense. 

"For better or worse" does not mean you accept his affairs. The vows are for couples working together, trying to enrich each other's lives. You two are not a couple. He is enriching his own life, being deceitful and bringing disharmony where he should be bringing joy.

Cut him loose. You deserve better. Your babies deserve better. He deserves what he gets. And he should be getting your shoe up his rear end.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> My ex would do the SAME EXACT THING.
> 
> When I did my investigating, I saw that he would call me, then the OW or her then me. ALWAYS. No matter what. The only thing I could chalk it up to was some sort of inner guilt he was feeling maybe.
> 
> My ex and her were in a PA by the way. They were co-workers so had frequent access to each other. Do you know if this is the same woman from 2010 that you caught him with before?


No, not the same women. This one  lives like 5 miles from our house. 

How can someone do this? Have one for emotional needs and another for taking care of home and kids??? Feel guilty but keep doing it... Oh well!!!


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Go see a lawyer. Take a copy of your tax returns and your bank statements & anyvother financial documents you can find. It's time to put a stop to this nonsense.
> 
> "For better or worse" does not mean you accept his affairs. The vows are for couples working together, trying to enrich each other's lives. You two are not a couple. He is enriching his own life, being deceitful and bringing disharmony where he should be bringing joy.
> 
> Cut him loose. You deserve better. Your babies deserve better. He deserves what he gets. And he should be getting your shoe up his rear end.


I wish I could do it... i have no family in this country. I feel I'm so dependent on him. (not financially but for other needs) Also the thought... "what if he really wants to work on the marriage now?" Is there a way to find out???


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> How on earth could they have heard what he had to say when there was a horrible whining noise every time he spoke?
> 
> He seems to use these women as his very own pity party posse. But it seems he lied to them to gain their sympathy. And he played the: "But it's not like we have a real marriage, any more" lie.
> 
> He needs to act more like a husband and less like a kid.


Very righty put... I wish he would act like a husband or even a man. For once tell me all the truth. I am tired of imagining stuff... I even have nightmares about it...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Many betrayed spouses have used the REAL threatcof divorce to open their cheater's eyes. There's nothing like getting served to realize that everything is on the line. 

You will know soon enough how badly he wants to be with her and give up his family. You can always stop the divorce. You can find someone who cares for you. Even if he comes back, he will know you're "helpless", so stop thinking that you are.


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## harsosuao (Jan 17, 2013)

This is horribly detrimental to kids and their memories will be of an unhappy childhood.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If it was a friendship, why would he be lying about it?
> 
> If he's met up with her it's probably also a PA. You need to do some more digging and see exactly what her side of the conversation is - don't take her word for it. Why would your husband stay in contact with her for two years if he wasn't getting sex out of it??


This and DO NOT confront too soon. I understand getting upset and dumping it all in his lap that you know things but your showing your hand too soon and thats why youre not getting all the way to the bottom here. Put a VAR in his car. thats a good start. Under the drivers seat. DO NOT let on. Act 'normal' or even 'nice' until you get to the bottom of this. He will never tell the truth on his own.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> This and DO NOT confront too soon. I understand getting upset and dumping it all in his lap that you know things but your showing your hand too soon and thats why youre not getting all the way to the bottom here. Put a VAR in his car. thats a good start. Under the drivers seat. DO NOT let on. Act 'normal' or even 'nice' until you get to the bottom of this. He will never tell the truth on his own.


Now that he knows, he doesn't use his phone anymore to talk to her. He admitted he used Internet to talk to her... Should I still put VAR in the car?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

VAR in the car and prefarably one where he would use a phone in privacy.

Read on these treads to find simular cases and learn the setup you are in now.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> Now that he knows, he doesn't use his phone anymore to talk to her. He admitted he used Internet to talk to her... Should I still put VAR in the car?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. Might have a burner phone.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

I am so scared of putting VAR in the car... I kept it and removed it immediately. I don't think it is of any use now. What's going to happen if I find more proofs. He has disconnected himself from us anyway. Last night because of the triggers I was crying next to him for couple of hours and he was sleeping soundly...


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

You asked if this is an EA or friendship. It sounds like its just him trying to run game or gain sympathy from other women to gain something. You talk to a woman that did not know he was married and another woman says he dumps all his problems on her. You constantly look for things and always find things. 

If it is a friendship it is simply because the women he tries to pursue are keeping it that way. (in the friendship zone) There are just too many red flags because no matter how many times you catch him and confront him, he doesnt stop. You continue to find things out that he's doing so How far will his behavior go if you didnt snoop and catch him?

He is seeking out women by telling them GOD knows what to gain sympathy and that is manipulation, gaming, trying to play folk. You keep catching him, he continues, so what are you gonna do about it?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

whywhy804 said:


> I am so scared of putting VAR in the car... I kept it and removed it immediately. I don't think it is of any use now. What's going to happen if I find more proofs. He has disconnected himself from us anyway. Last night because of the triggers I was crying next to him for couple of hours and he was sleeping soundly...


 
Stop crying and feeling depressed. Dust yourself off and stop trying to find ways not to come out of this. What more proof do you need? What are you gonna do with the other proof you find when he hasnt shown any remorse or made any changes. You shouldnt be crying while he is sound asleep. You should be mad that you waited so long to see what youre really dealing with.

I can confidently say that some things should give you strength in a marriage when the spouse makes no effort to try. It would motivate me to never look back if my spouse shows any signs that I'm not wanted or he feels he doesnt love me or keeps getting caught with this type of behavior. 

When you talk to a woman and she does not know your husband was married.... I can't tell you how fast he would be packing up and finding him an apartment near by so he can share custody of the kids we had.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

NaturalHeart said:


> Stop crying and feeling depressed. Dust yourself off and stop trying to find ways not to come out of this. What more proof do you need?
> 
> I guess I don't need any proof... I know the reality. I just cant put my kids through this specially because I dont have any family around... I am hoping everything will be alright. May be it is the mid life crisis. May be the fog will go away.
> 
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What do you mean by 'physically abusive'?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> I am so scared of putting VAR in the car... I kept it and removed it immediately. I don't think it is of any use now. What's going to happen if I find more proofs. He has disconnected himself from us anyway. Last night because of the triggers I was crying next to him for couple of hours and he was sleeping soundly...


Listen now, you MUST follow advice you get here, very often posters don't who are then very sorry later on. Be strong now.



> canttrustu	Re: Is this EA or friendship?
> 
> 
> > Quote: Originally Posted by Hope1964
> ...


Please do as Hope and Canttrustu say. Do it!


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> What do you mean by 'physically abusive'?


After the DDay, I compare myself with the OM alot. If I say something hinting her in anyway, he becomes abusive. Last night, same thing happened. He pulled my hair and dragged me out of the bed, slapped me, kicked me. My head is so sore right now. In the morning he was apologic again and hugged. I told me not to bring her in the picture ever again. He said it was a mistake that he made and reminding him of the same makes him mad. What should I do?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> After the DDay, I compare myself with the OM alot. If I say something hinting her in anyway, he becomes abusive. Last night, same thing happened. He pulled my hair and dragged me out of the bed, slapped me, kicked me. My head is so sore right now. In the morning he was apologic again and hugged. I told me not to bring her in the picture ever again. He said it was a mistake that he made and reminding him of the same makes him mad. What should I do?


Get the fvck out of the house and leave him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's p!ssed off b/c you are bringing up things b/c HE CHEATED?? And he goes off and hits you for HIS ACTIONS??

Girl, I want to jump through the computer to your house and have a nice chat with your dear H.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> After the DDay, I compare myself with the OM alot. If I say something hinting her in anyway, he becomes abusive. Last night, same thing happened. He pulled my hair and dragged me out of the bed, slapped me, kicked me. My head is so sore right now. In the morning he was apologic again and hugged. I told me not to bring her in the picture ever again. He said it was a mistake that he made and reminding him of the same makes him mad. What should I do?


File a complaint and leave the house, at least for a couple of day's. He will realize he has to take you serious. 

Later you could drop the complaint en come home if the situation changes. 

Please ignore whatever he is saying now. He is unstable and you have to secure yourself first before you think about him and his problems. 

Care for him later, if at all.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> Get the fvck out of the house and leave him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> He's p!ssed off b/c you are bringing up things b/c HE CHEATED?? And he goes off and hits you for HIS ACTIONS??
> 
> Girl, I want to jump through the computer to your house and have a nice chat with your dear H.


Thanks dear! Feels good when someone can understand you.. When I told my parents about this, their advice was to never bring the topic again. I am not able to rest my head to anything as it is hurting so much. I am ready to bear all this to see my kids happy.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> File a complaint and leave the house, at least for a couple of day's. He will realize he has to take you serious.
> 
> Later you could drop the complaint en come home if the situation changes.
> 
> ...


Everytime he hits me I promise myself that one more time and i will call the cops but it never happens...


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> Everytime he hits me I promise myself that one more time and i will call the cops but it never happens...


Well then, how can you expect him to stop if he has never had to face the consequences for his actions? 

If you stop and think about it, you are actually helping him get away with all this by not making him pay the piper at any point in time for his choices and actions.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you truly believe you don't deserve better treatment than this?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> Thanks dear! Feels good when someone can understand you.. When I told my parents about this, their advice was to never bring the topic again. I am not able to rest my head to anything as it is hurting so much. I am ready to bear all this to see my kids happy.


Your parents give an incredible bad advise!

And your kids will feel the situation one time or another, that will really make a scar on their soul. They will not be happy if you are not happy. They will live the example you two give them.

Give them the example of strength and justice, fearlessness and love they need to see at least of one of their parents.


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