# My husband is bringing back my past cheating but do I deserve it?



## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

This happened 10 years ago (I was 19 then; he was 20) and he caught me cheating with his former friend Chris. I know, I know... there was no excuse of this, it was the worst way he found out and it took a while for him to even look at me without thinking about me with Chris. 

He walked away after he caught us and broke it off. I was sure this was a lost case and he would never forgive me. Then after about 5 months, we started talking again. I told him I regret it and would be faithful to him if he gave me another chance. Then years went by and apparently he forgave me. It took a while to gain his trust back and he would have outbursts once in a while until he proposed by late June 2008. It was then he promised he wouldn't bring it back anymore and how he forgives me completely. 

Forward he got married by April 2009 and things have been great until these past months. Ever since July of this year, he has been creating arguments, taking his cell phone everywhere he goes and setting it to private and calling me names such as ''If you wouldn't have been a cheating ****, done of this would happen, etc and I just got lucky he was nice, etc. 

Not just that but he has been going out clubbing with friends and coming very drunk lately. He went out 2 days ago and returned today at 4 am totally wasted. We have a 2 year-old son too.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

This is why I'm taking my sweet time to decide whether to R or D. If we R, I have to make damn sure I can really move forward. I'm scared of making that call and then realizing down the road that I really can't get over it.

That being said, you don't deserve being yelled at and called names. His behavior are definite red flags to me. I would insist on marriage counselling at this point. Since he did make the decision to marry you and move forward with a life together, you have every right to protect it! I would even consider trying to find out of he's being unfaithful, though I'd wait for advice from the more knowledgeable posters here.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

What is her name?


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

I've tried everything in being the almost perfect gf/fiance (now wife) ever since and I really thought he forgave me. I thought we would start all over again but now it feels all my efforts were useless and he's never going to get past my jealous self from years ago and see how much I've changed. 

I don't know what else I can do to help him. I've already answered all his questions at the time, done to counseling with him, have listened to his outbursts and reassured him many times (I lost track) how I was very remorseful about it and will do anything to gain his trust and gave me all my accounts. This was back then.

I haven't cheated ever since. I haven't on neither our engagement nor marriage (when I cheated, he was my bf at the time). If he still feel hurts, I don't know what else to do. I can't change the past.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

It sounds to me like he never truly got over the cheating. And now he's going to use that as an excuse to start cheating, himself.

From what you've written, I have to wonder if he thinks it's time for him to have sex with another woman. Like he deserves it, or it's owed to him.

Unfortunately this probably isn't going to make him feel any better about what you did 10 years ago. In fact he will actually end up feeling worse.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

now_awake said:


> I would even consider trying to find out of he's being unfaithful, though I'd wait for advice from the more knowledgeable posters here.


I've been wondering about this too but due to my past guilt, haven't said anything. Last week, he left his cell phone for a couple of seconds but then grabbed it quickly and gave me an attitude about how I shouldn't be snooping around. I told I wasn't and what's with the sudden attitude but he replied with an ''I have nothing on my cell phone for your information, you cheated so you're no saint either''.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He said he would let it go. Not living up to his side of contract.

He brings it up because he is unhappy with you, himself or both. Ask him what about you besides the past bothers him. Ask him if you are a former cheating w**** or an active one. If he says you are still betraying him, how?

Are you a good mother? Do you enjoy sex with him?

Is he drinking? Having trouble at work? Porn addicted? 

You cannot fix him. Only yourself.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Mr Wolf (Mar 1, 2012)

now_awake said:


> I'm scared of making that call and then realizing down the road that I really can't get over it.


This is the problem for most people who were cheated on. Not knowing if they can REALLY forgive and get past it such that they can have a healthy marriage with that person. In my limited experience with myself and a few friends, it is almost impossible for the male to get over it. 

OP - Your H is showing too many red flags. I suspect he may be cheating on you and justifying it by what you did many years ago. A classic cheater technique is to deamonize their spouse in order to justify the behavior. 

At this point he has to decide whether he wants to be fully in the M and you need to take steps to protect yourself.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

He's cheating now... I thought that was obvious...

He's going out looking for girls, or he has one. He is upset at himself for what he is doing/has done and he is blaming you.

He doesn't want to be the type of man he is becoming and so he is lashing out at you. He is blaming his weaknesses and self loathing on you.

You are being weak. You are letting your past guilt guide your life. He took you back after you cheated, that was his decision.

Ok, now he is a dad. It is time to put away childish things and become a man. You need to set boundaries. You can't control him but you can tell him what you will and will not accept. By trying to be the ultimate docile wife, you are appearing weak. He wants something that is worth having. He wants someone who will keep him in line and love him even if that means setting him straight.

Set him straight. Don't yell or get angry. Be firm and resolute. Tell him that you love him and that you are glad that he forgave you for what happened so many years ago, but that was his choice. Tell him that the choices that he is making now will only end in the destruction of himself and his family and that you will not be with a man who would affect his family and the life of his child that way. Tell him that he is better than that and it is time he started acting like the man he was supposed to be.

Or just keep taking his crap and wait till the other shoe drops and then be a mess here in a while.

A father and husband has no business staying out to 4AM and being wasted to boot. That is just stupidity.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

The guilty are quick to point the finger. Time to snoop, or leave.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I could be wrong about this but for your husband to go off like he's been doing, something has set him off so if you could answer this.

Is it possible that he might have run in to the guy you cheated with, his old friend Chris? Maybe he saw the guy and it set off a great big trigger.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

He's most likely cheating on you.

I guess we really do reap what we sow.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

He is just using your cheating to vent or cover up something he is doing. Its very selfish.


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

Guarding the cell phone is the #1 sign of cheating.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you gone to MC with him lately?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

eyes wide open if it walks like a duck .......


I would say 99% certin hes cheating. many red flags start snoping.

hows the sex life? you have a 2yr old so I would guess it hasn't been very frequent has he complained about not enough sex and did you explain it away and quit putting effort in. If so he might have decided to get some on the side and used your past affair as a reason to allow him to cheat at lest in his mind.


did he actualy catch you in the act? if so then he probly never got over it and it now getting revenge at least in his mind.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

He was a fool for getting married after catching you in bed with his friend. That damage is already done and he shouldn't keep beating you over the head with it. He's the one that decided to get married after knowing this. He should just deal with it.


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## Mr Wolf (Mar 1, 2012)

michzz said:


> He could just be triggering and having a bad episode regarding what you did a dcade ago.


This could be true especially if he never really processed the trauma of your cheating. 



> it doesn't mean he is cheating


There are too many red flags for him to not be cheating or planning to cheat. 1. Hiding his phone. 2. Setting his phone to private. 3. Saying you are snooping. 4. Staying out late. 5. Lashing out at you when you question him. 6. Telling you he has nothing on his cell phone for your information, you cheated so you're no saint either. and 7. Saying "you cheated *so you're no saint either*''. 

To me #7 is the biggie. He is practically telling you he is cheating.



> and it doesn't mean he didn't mean it when he said he would not bring it up.


Also true. 

You don't deserve this so protect yourself and think seriously about how you want your future to look.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> He said he would let it go. Not living up to his side of contract.
> 
> He brings it up because he is unhappy with you, himself or both. Ask him what about you besides the past bothers him. Ask him if you are a former cheating w**** or an active one. If he says you are still betraying him, how?


He still has all the accounts I gave at the time. I don't mind if he decides to again check up on me (he hasn't for a long while). I have nothing to hide. I did kept my promise of being faithful to him. If he thinks I'm still betraying him, I will ask him about it and what I'm doing wrong. 



LongWalk said:


> Are you a good mother?


 Yes and I recalled during our engagement he did said I would make a good mother. 



LongWalk said:


> Do you enjoy sex with him?


I do but with the birth of our son, sex hasn't been too often.



LongWalk said:


> Is he drinking?


Yes, he's been drinking a lot these past months. He wasn't a heavy drinker before. The only times he would drink was during social gatherings with the family but now it's about 3-4 times a week. 



LongWalk said:


> Having trouble at work? Porn addicted?


Not that I know of.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Let us not be hasty in mistaking major triggers for actual cheating.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ever since July of this year, he has been creating arguments, 
Medium RED FLAG

taking his cell phone everywhere he goes and setting it to private
GIANT RED FLAG

and calling me names such as ''If you wouldn't have been a cheating ****, done of this would happen, etc and I just got lucky he was nice, etc.

Medium Red flag sounds like projecting more than triggering.

Not just that but he has been going out clubbing with friends and coming very drunk lately. He went out 2 days ago and returned today at 4 am totally wasted. We have a 2 year-old son too.

Did he return during this or literally out of the house for two days? Any event red flag

Its the weekend GET THIS DONE TODAY!
Here is a complete plan. Ive helped bust over 20 cheaters.
The longer you wait the longer your pain.

For heavens sakes KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND DO NOT CONFRONT!

Invert the sexes. Mostly we get cheating wives in CWI. Nonetheless the plan is sound.

Standard paste below:

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

I don't know if other browsers save the passwords where you can view them but you should be able to google and find out!

hope this helps!


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Have you gone to MC with him lately?


Nope, we stopped going to counseling when he proposed but have thought about it lately. I'm going to suggest that to him.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

I don't think his bringing up your cheating is okay as he should have worked past that and forgiven you or never taken you back for doing such a horrible thing. 

I think he is acting like a dog who doesn't want to be married anymore. 

I think you need to have a discussion about boundaries and expectations of married life with a small child in the picture, general respect for your spouse and you'll need to be prepared to walk if required in order to enforce those boundaries.

MC might help but an honest discussion and open communication on his behaviour is a must for you two.

Best of luck!


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

loving1 said:


> Guarding the cell phone is the #1 sign of cheating.


I have figured this out. He has never put his cell phone on private and used to answer it with no problems. Now whenever it rings, he either hangs up or answers it quickly. I'm with you on this one. I think he is now cheating.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> He's most likely cheating on you.
> 
> I guess we really do reap what we sow.


Well I regret what I did and had sleepless nights over it at the time. That the my biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I still regret it.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

6301 said:


> Is it possible that he might have run in to the guy you cheated with, his old friend Chris? Maybe he saw the guy and it set off a great big trigger.


No, they haven't spoken ever since.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> hows the sex life? you have a 2yr old so I would guess it hasn't been very frequent has he complained about not enough sex and did you explain it away and quit putting effort in. If so he might have decided to get some on the side and used your past affair as a reason to allow him to cheat at lest in his mind.


No, it wasn't been very frequent ever since our child was born. However, I would still try to have time and last month he was the one declining it and saying he was too tired for it. 


chillymorn said:


> did he actualy catch you in the act?


Unfortunately


chillymorn said:


> if so then he probly never got over it and it now getting revenge at least in his mind.


I know that's something he'll have to live with but I always thought he would be the better person; someone I look up to. If he did indeed cheat I'll forgive him but it would still hurt.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Married people who want to stay married do not go clubbing without their spouse.

Married people who want to stay married do not go clubbing without their spouse.

Step 1. No mote clubbing alone for either of you. Ever.

You or he wanna go out, go out together.


I'd say he's either cheating it crossing the boundaries of what's ok.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Next time he's home and sober initiate a discussion with him. Tell him you're troubled by his recent behavior and list those. Ask for an explanation. 

If he brings up your cheating past then be ready for a rant but then insist on MC for both of you. You might even volunteer to take a poly (and if you do then ask him for one too).


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Transparency is a 2 way street. He decided to marry you and you maintained your openness. He MUST do the same for you.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

HE's passing out red flags like cheap candy on Halloween. If he's not cheating, and blame shifting with your past A I'd be surprised. Follow Weightlifters monitoring advice.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

shootingstarK said:


> Unfortunately


It's possible that he isn't cheating, and that he just had a trigger. 10 or 100 years later, I don't think I could ever get past catching my W in the act, so she'd no longer be my wife.

Maybe he's done a good job of burying the hurt for all these years, but it had to come up sooner or later. He won't share that with you, b/c he's so ashamed and/or pizzed off.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He is cheating. Investigate. If he is tell him it's you or her and stick to it. He is as bad as you were if he is so he should not be so high and mighty. Your cheating was your fault and if he is cheating it is his fault totally. Don't let him tell you differently. 

If he did not want to R then he should have been honest. If he wants a D then he should ask for one. Do not let him abuse you. You don't deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> He is cheating. Investigate. If he is tell him it's you or her and stick to it. *He is as bad as you were if he is so he should not be so high and mighty. *Your cheating was your fault and if he is cheating it is his fault totally. Don't let him tell you differently.
> 
> If he did not want to R then he should have been honest. If he wants a D then he should ask for one. Do not let him abuse you. You don't deserve it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he would be worse. He could have easily walked away forever and then the only people hurt would be him and her. But he CHOSE to forgive and move on, so the past should have been buried for good. For him to be cheating now is much, much worse than anything she did in the past. Because now he made marital committment, had a child with her and has entangled his assets with hers. In the past, the OP simply killed a relationship and a friendship between the H and the friend. The H, OTOH, may be in the process of destroying a FAMILY. Not equivalent in my book.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If I had a GF who cheated on me. Made up. Said I won't bring it up. Then M this GF. I may still trigger from time to time, but I would say that most of it would be on me. I didn't have to M a person who cheated on me.

The yelling, drinking, etc would have been understood if it happened around the time of discovery, but now years later, after he decided to M and have kids, is not right. I think his behavior is unfair.

His behavior is immature. And if he is cheating is not justified at all. Some here on TAM have done a RA. Most of us understand when a person does so even if I disagree with doing so. Your husband's actions are just wrong.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He said that he had gotten over your cheating and married you. He has no right to hold it against you now. Actually, it is dirty pool on his part.

Is he cheating and projecting that on to you? 

VAR his car. Get help from Weightlifter so that you succeed. 

Your husband's drinking is bad in and of itself.

Stay calm.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your past cheating should be a non-issue as he had years to process it before he asked you to marry him. And he promised you that it was not an issue.

It sound about 99% that your husband is cheating. He's using your past cheating in the early days of your dating as an excuse.

Right now do not tell him that you suspect anything. Just act like all is ok.

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his vehicle. Using adhesive backed Velcro to adhere it on a hidden surface. Under the front seat works. Put it up in the springs so that it is sitting there. The Velcro will hold it in place so that it does not fall out.

If you can afford 2 of them, get 2. One to have in the vehicle and one to swap out. Most people who cheat talk to their affair partners on the cell. They think that they are safe in the car.

Do not ever tell him that you have done this. But you have the right to know what is going on in your life, so find out.

Once you have listened to recordings, take some time to decide how you will react. Come here to talk it out. The way you confront is very important.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

shootingstarK said:


> No, it wasn't been very frequent ever since our child was born. However, I would still try to have time and last month he was the one declining it and saying he was too tired for it.


Yet he's not too tired to go clubbing until the wee hours of the morning. I suspect that he's cheating on you and using your past as an excuse.

You're both young and have been together for a good part of your lives. Do you see yourself still married to this man fifty years from now? Does he see himself married to you over that span of time? (Ask him, and gauge his reaction.)

Good luck.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

So have you been to best buy yet stark? I cant go for you. I cant make it more explicit than a to do list.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shootingstarK,

What was your relationship with him when you started to cheat? Were you bf/gf? just started dating? living together? etc....

How long had you been with him when you started to cheat and when he caught you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

shootingstarK said:


> I've been wondering about this too but due to my past guilt, haven't said anything. Last week, he left his cell phone for a couple of seconds but then grabbed it quickly and gave me an attitude about how I shouldn't be snooping around. I told I wasn't and what's with the sudden attitude but he replied with an '*'I have nothing on my cell phone for your information, you cheated so you're no saint either''*.


This sounds to me like: "Yeah. I'm cheating. And you deserve it."

Ummm no, you don't deserve it.

He might be playing mind games, letting you think he is cheating, but isn't really.

Either way, he needs to put his adult hat on and starts acting like a real husband and father.

His attitude is making a liar of himself. He said he forgave you... but not really!


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

By the red flags, such as taking the phone with him and setting it to private, I would say that he is cheating. I think that you really have two options: do nothing or snoop to see if he really is cheating.

*This is an unacceptable way to act*, regardless of if he is cheating or not. In spite of your past, no one has the right to call your names and put you down, if he is.

What you did in the past is the past. When someone goes into R, the BS decides if he or she is strong enough to continue the relationship or if the betrayal is too severe for them to continue it. He choose to marry you. If he truly couldn't cope with the cheating, then he should have let both of you find different people.

Also, the rules that you agree to in a marriage applies to both husband and wife. If they don't, it'll bred resentment, and, thus, marital conflict.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Is HE sure your child was fathered by him? Something has likely set him off on this path and if you really value the relationship, you best try to discover what it may have been.


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## Nujabes (May 16, 2013)

He's definitely showing red flags but what ever happens here on out don't resort to cheating to escape this situation. I hope this gets resolves. gud luk


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

He never really let it go or forgave you. I think the double betrayal of cheating and with his friend is seared into his head. 

Look at his actions. They tell a different story. 

The way he's dealing with it is unhealthy for all involved.

He should let you go. Or, you should let him go. Though, I think it's impossible to 100% let go since you both decided to have a child together.


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## OnlyQueen (Oct 19, 2013)

aug said:


> He never really let it go or forgave you. I think the double betrayal of cheating and with his friend is seared into his head.
> 
> Look at his actions. They tell a different story.
> 
> ...


It's very sad to hear an innocent child will be the one affected the most by the parents' wrong paths. If staying with the OP and forgiving was what he wanted, he should have stayed with his prior agreement of dropping it.

However, I think maybe he did forgave her but never forgot. It was bad enough she cheated with his friend but in addition, the guy had to basically walk in on them. I have a hard time believing a human being can get that out of their mind, much less a man. For the most part men are indeed very visual beings (I think he must be replaying that long ago event over and over on the back of his mind) and hardly ever forgive a woman for cheating, much less if caught in the act. I think he really was trying so hard and now he is probably cheating as a way to get it out of his system.

What the man doesn't know is cheating back won't get him the results he wants. He will not get it out of his system. A RA does nothing but complicates things and it's not really the same betrayal as the BS had to initially go through. Plus, the man is destroying himself and his integrity by doing that. He is lowering himself and doing what he hated; getting cheated on.

The OP has to protect herself at this point, straightened him out and investigate this. I still think two wrongs don't make a right.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

loving1 said:


> Guarding the cell phone is the #1 sign of cheating.


Took the words right out of my typing !
This, most likely, or second guess, as someone said, maybe he met Chris and it all came back to his mind. Although, honestly, it's been 10 years, let it rest already...he's surely cheating and blame shifting it on you.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Right now do not tell him that you suspect anything. Just act like all is ok.


I didn't and he seemed very affectionate today. He told me about being stress lately but didn't mean to bring back my cheating. What I'm not convinced is the excuse he told me why his cell phone is on private. He explained it's because ever since he became the manager, his position has been very demanding and new projects keep coming up and how he doesn't want to be bothered. Well that's new. I've never heard of that excuse before. I caught him thinking for a while as if he was hiding something and when I asked what's wrong, he said nothing. 



EleGirl said:


> Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his vehicle. Using adhesive backed Velcro to adhere it on a hidden surface. Under the front seat works. Put it up in the springs so that it is sitting there. The Velcro will hold it in place so that it does not fall out.
> 
> If you can afford 2 of them, get 2. One to have in the vehicle and one to swap out. Most people who cheat talk to their affair partners on the cell. They think that they are safe in the car.


I'll buy it by tomorrow. I feel bad that I have to hide this from him now since I've been honest since then but I want to know if he's cheating or not. 



Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You're both young and have been together for a good part of your lives. Do you see yourself still married to this man fifty years from now? Does he see himself married to you over that span of time? (Ask him, and gauge his reaction.)


Yes, I do see myself being with him until old age. I love my husband and he means a lot to me. When I married him, I took my vows serious and yet it hurts that he's breaking them.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> shootingstarK,
> 
> What was your relationship with him when you started to cheat? Were you bf/gf? just started dating? living together? etc....


At the time we were bf and gf and have been dating for a year. We weren't living together but would sometimes visit each other. He would go to my house and I would go to his.


EleGirl said:


> How long had you been with him when you started to cheat and when he caught you?


We were dating for about 10 months when I started cheating and he caught me 2 months later.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

hookares said:


> Is HE sure your child was fathered by him? Something has likely set him off on this path and if you really value the relationship, you best try to discover what it may have been.


Yes, he's sure as I haven't cheated ever since. We both planned to have a child together shortly after getting married. 

I'll be buying the VAR tomorrow. I really wish he wasn't cheating but my gut instinct tells me he is.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

Nujabes said:


> He's definitely showing red flags but what ever happens here on out don't resort to cheating to escape this situation.


No, I was so ashamed and disgusted at myself back then that I never wanted to cheat again. Cheating isn't the answer.


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## shootingstarK (Oct 18, 2013)

Anuvia said:


> He was a fool for getting married after catching you in bed with his friend. That damage is already done and he shouldn't keep beating you over the head with it. He's the one that decided to get married after knowing this. He should just deal with it.


I don't consider him a fool but a man that chose to give me a second chance and work it out. Some people believe in second chances and some don't. Though he did break up first and we weren't talking for about 5 months. When we got back together, it took 5 years of rebuilding trust, answering all his questions and him checking up on me to get him to propose so no he didn't marry me right away after my cheating. That took time and I didn't fail him this time.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

ShootingStarK, did you ever consider that he is using your cheating from years ago to justify his cheating now? Could it be that he is calling you names and treating you poorly in order to pick a fight that would "justify" breaking with you?

This is just more proof that once cheating happens, the relationship is permamently damaged, even if the cheater truly confesses and apologizes. This is because the other spouse can NEVER TRULY COMPLETELY forgive and forget. 

If I were you, I would divorce and find someone new later, and promise yourself that you will never ever cheat on them. Remember, once you cheat, the relationship does get permanently damaged, and this is true in every single case.

Also, don't be foolish to think that everyone deserves a 2nd chance. Some people might, but they are the minority. It sounds like you were very young when you cheated and I suspect you did deserve a 2nd chance. But as people get older and older, their deserving of 2nd chances greatly declines. We cut slack to the youth, but not to older adults that know better.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

ShootingStarK, moreover, if you do R with cheating hubby, what will you say when he says "I forgave you, so you should forgive me"?!? If he says this, he is manipulating, and its apples and organges because when you cheated you were 19 and he is much older. So don't fall for this Bool Sheet.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

shootingstarK said:


> Forward we got married by April 2009 and things have been great until these past months. Ever since July of this year, he has been creating arguments, taking his cell phone everywhere he goes and setting it to private and calling me names such as ''If you wouldn't have been a cheating ****, done of this would happen, etc and I just got lucky he was nice, etc.


I'm wondering what happened in July that caused this sudden change. 
The cell phone behaviour is a classic sign of cheating. 
He said "If you hadn't cheated, none of this would have happened" None of 'what' would have happened? 
OM being his friend was a big hit. Maybe some unresolved anger resurfaced in July, bumping into his friend/old school mates? Could cause a revenge cheat, a ONS? And now he's angry with himself, with you etc, Just conjecture on my part. 
I think you have to do the VAR thing but make SURE he doesn't catch you. 
You must think ahead a little because he can throw back at you that you cheated. Search for similar circs on here. 
Given you were both barely out of high school and how you have described your behaviour through R which was years as you said, I think you've done your time. 
I would act VERY normal, get your information and DON'T confront immediately. Come back here for advice, some very wise posters on here, not me necessarily  
Important that you check out the gathering evidence thread re the VAR etc. Have a close friend lined up to listen to the VAR.

If he's not cheating there is something up. He can't hang what happened at the age of 19 & 20 when you were gf and bf forever. Whatever it is there is no way that he should be going out clubbing until 4:00AM leaving you and his child at home alone and treating you the way he is. Totally unacceptable. He's a husband and father.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

shootingstarK said:


> I don't consider him a fool but a man that chose to give me a second chance and work it out.


In keeping with the question of the thread, "do I deserve it?". Well that is a hard one to answer. The problem with such a question is, you may not feel you deserve it, but your H doesn't deserve to have to relive the memories of what you did either.

So IMO, being reminded once in a blue moon is to be expected, as long as it isn't some long drawn out thing and he isn't yelling at you and calling you names.

Having said that, something doesn't seem right here. Sounds as if he is cheating on you now. Taking his phone everywhere(not that it alone should be suspicious), but also putting it on private and coming home late at night. He is married now. Coming home at 4am plastered is unacceptable. Of course none of that is a guarantee he is cheating, but his behavior should be under suspicion at the very least.

So while he is justified in his feelings of your cheating, and yes, bringing it up once in a while, he did decide to marry you anyway. And now that he is married, the both of you need to act like it. Doesn't seem like he is.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

shootingstarK said:


> This happened 10 years ago (I was 19 then; he was 20) and he caught me cheating with his former friend Chris. I know, I know... there was no excuse of this, it was the worst way he found out and it took a while for him to even look at me without thinking about me with Chris.
> 
> He walked away after he caught us and broke it off. I was sure this was a lost case and he would never forgive me. Then after about 5 months, we started talking again. I told him I regret it and would be faithful to him if he gave me another chance. Then years went by and apparently he forgave me. It took a while to gain his trust back and he would have outbursts once in a while until he proposed by late June 2008. It was then he promised he wouldn't bring it back anymore and how he forgives me completely.
> 
> ...


You might think this is a leap (and it is a bit) but your husband is cheating on you.

The hiding his phone is the first red flag and his blaming you for your affair 10 years ago after not bringing it up at all for the length of your marriage is how he justifies his actions in order to assuage his guilt.
The clubbing, the drinking, and staying out late seals the deal for me.

He's cheating, get the evidence you need to confront him.

Start doing some serious investigation.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

********** said:


> I'm wondering what happened in July that caused this sudden change.
> The cell phone behaviour is a classic sign of cheating.
> He said "If you hadn't cheated, none of this would have happened" None of 'what' would have happened?
> OM being his friend was a big hit. Maybe some unresolved anger resurfaced in July, bumping into his friend/old school mates? Could cause a revenge cheat, a ONS? And now he's angry with himself, with you etc, Just conjecture on my part.
> ...


This, do all of this...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

hookares said:


> Is HE sure your child was fathered by him?


Is any man "sure" of that without a DNA test?


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## OnlyQueen (Oct 19, 2013)

vellocet said:


> H doesn't deserve to have to relive the memories of what you did either.


He doesn't but that's impossible to erase unless done through some type of magical hypnotism; it'll always be his trauma trigger. I assume their former counselor must have told the OP to help him out (when he was then her bf) by creating new memories or through hysterical bonding.


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