# Did my mom have a justified reason for getting angry at my wife



## dasexyfroto (Mar 3, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for about 9 months now. A few days ago she took a little vacation with her sister and another female friend to celebrate her sister's 30th birthday. In turn, I took a few days off work to visit my college buddy. In any event, when I returned home, I have come to find out that my mother is a little upset at my wife for doing this. My mother feels that during the first few years of marriage, especially the first year, that a married couple should not be taking any vacations on their own. Now do you think my mom is justified in this and has a right to be angry at my wife? She feels that my wife is a married woman now and should not be doing stuff like this with her sister, etc. Any thoughts or feelings into this matter? Thanks in advance


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think as long as you & your wife is totally OK with her plans with friends, then it was FINE. Your mom should NOT be angry about this. 

Maybe something in her past or upbringing gives her pause to feel like this ?? Maybe her & your dad was different than you & your wife & always did EVERYTHING together, so to her, that is the way it is supposed to be. That is the way I am with my husband, I don't go on vacations with the girls (I have no desire too) and he doesn't care to go out on hunting/fishing trips with the guys. But that does not make it wrong for someone else- who might enjoy such things. 

But seriously, she is over-reacting on this one.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

One thing you have got to do is stop informing your mom of EVERY detail of your marriage.

She doesn't have to know all your business.

I'd start with not letting her track your wife's every movement.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Isn't family wonderful? J/k. The hard thing with family is they always want the best for you and tend to give unwanted input sometimes. This is one of those times and if I were you I would sitmom down and tell her that she is stepping over her boundries but that you appreciate her concern. Tell her that it is also detremental to the relationship to have minor conflict between her and your wife as well as these are decisions within your family unit and no offense mom but this isn't something for her to concern herself with. 

A piece of advise from me to you, I would keep family out of my business. As they will always be bias in their viewpoints and can cause more harm than good. She could create resentment with your wife and make her feel she ranks lower than your mom for example if you didn't protect your wife in this situation. 

I also strongly agree with the previous two posters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nprettyman (Mar 3, 2010)

dasexyfroto said:


> My wife and I have been married for about 9 months now. A few days ago she took a little vacation with her sister and another female friend to celebrate her sister's 30th birthday. In turn, I took a few days off work to visit my college buddy. In any event, when I returned home, I have come to find out that my mother is a little upset at my wife for doing this. My mother feels that during the first few years of marriage, especially the first year, that a married couple should not be taking any vacations on their own. Now do you think my mom is justified in this and has a right to be angry at my wife? She feels that my wife is a married woman now and should not be doing stuff like this with her sister, etc. Any thoughts or feelings into this matter? Thanks in advance


That is absolutely ridiculous! And old-fashioned. Maybe it has something to do with her relationship/s with men...


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## mocon (Feb 16, 2010)

Tell your mother to butt out of your marriage. This is *your* marriage, not hers. It's one thing to perhaps go to her if you're seeking advice (I wouldn't necessarily recommend this) but quite another for her to be offering her opinion and getting angry with your wife. Boundaries - she needs to respect them. If I seem a little sensitive to this one it's because my own mother once chewed my wife out and upset her greatly because she didn't agree with the way she was raising my older daughter, who is a special-needs child. When I found this out I called my mother back and told her in no uncertain terms to stay the hell out of our business. You could basically hear me yelling down the block, I was that upset. I'm not saying you need to react as strongly as I did (it was warranted) but at least inform her to mind her business.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, your mom getting involved is a much bigger threat to your marriage than separate vacations. Second, your wife didn't do anything to your mom--what right does your mom have to "feel angry" when something happens that doesn't even involve her? MYOB! Third, not only does your mom need to respect boundaries, but it is your job to set them--and you need to act like a grown up even though your mom is treating you like her little boy. You do not need anyone to defend you or tell you how to run your life or what is good or not good for you. You are fully capable of making those decisions for yourself. 
Good luck--you have a lot to sort out here, for yourself and with your mom. If you have not told your wife about your mom's reaction, don't; you are not a go-between or delivery boy. Your mom stepped over a boundary with you and it ends there, when you tell her to MYOB. Be firm, and let her know that you will not tolerate language or behavior that is antagonistic to or disrespectful of your wife. Your mom owes your wife all the decency she would (one hopes) show any adult woman--even more, if she wants your marriage to be happy. Be prepared to walk out on your mom if she crosses the line at all, and be sensitive to it, since your mom clearly has no idea of how inappropriate her behaviors is.


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## dre (Jan 30, 2010)

First of all i have learned listening to your mom is not always good if you are ok with it then who cares about what any one else thinks i mean for real who cares do what is best for the two of you guys


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I can tell by the way you posted this in three forums that this question is really bothering you. As someone old enough to be your Dad, I have a different take on this.

Your Mom is right. Going of for a girls weekend was not healthy for your marriage, especially in the first year of marriage.

Your Mom was wrong. Regardless of what she knows from experience or whatever source, She should not have said anything to you or your wife about it. Especially in the first year of marriage. 

What possible good could it do for her to give you advice after the deed is done. It's analogous to closing the barn door after the horses are already out. All she can do is cause resentment either between you and your wife, or between your wife and her. Thank heavens my parents had the uncommon good sense to stay out of their adult children's lives until they were asked for advice. 

My Mother in-law did not have that sense, and she can be pretty pushy. I found that politely ignoring her advice was the path to happiness for me. It gave my wife an easy out as well. What could her mom say when she said, to effect, that's nice mom but my husband says we are going to do it this way.

Now as to what you should do about this. #1 Cut the umbilical cord. Make sure your mother knows that you are an adult now and responsible for your own decisions. #2 Support your Wife in any conflict with your Mother. Ranking among women is more important than it is among Men. Your mom and your wife should have a solid understanding that Wife is #1 Mom is #2. An opportune way to communicate this is to give your wife a much better mothers day present than you give your mom. 

M N


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My first thought?

It's none of Mom's business - period.

Mom has her own views of marriage and she needs to keep them within her own marriage.

Your marriage is your marriage - period.

I would tell Mom, thanks for the input - but this is my marriage and I have no issues with what my wife did - thanks again.

Your Mom is your Mom, not your confidant about what's going on in your marriage - this is a first-class ticket to pitting your Mom against your wife whether you intend to or not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why are you even asking? Why is this even a question?


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Hey Froto, you guys need to practice giving your parents just enough info about your life/marriage to let them think they know what's up.

I found that once I started doing that I could clearly see them digging for gossip and wouldn't give it to them.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

This type of event I think is what sets the tone for your marriage. Who cares whether it was okay or not for her to go away without you the real issue is the part where your mother feels it her job to get angry and somehow correct your wife. I'd been married probably 1.5 years when this issue first came up with my IL's. FIL got mad at me when my husband decided to change careers from corporate america to become a police officer (yeah like that was MY idea but yes I had agreed to it). He waited till my H was out of the room and he lit into me. Thankfully my SIL came in and told him to STFU (nicely of course). The man hasn't interferred since but we also limit what we tell them.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

dasexyfroto said:


> My wife and I have been married for about 9 months now. A few days ago she took a little vacation with her sister and another female friend to celebrate her sister's 30th birthday. In turn, I took a few days off work to visit my college buddy. In any event, when I returned home, I have come to find out that my mother is a little upset at my wife for doing this. My mother feels that during the first few years of marriage, especially the first year, that a married couple should not be taking any vacations on their own. Now do you think my mom is justified in this and has a right to be angry at my wife? She feels that my wife is a married woman now and should not be doing stuff like this with her sister, etc. Any thoughts or feelings into this matter? Thanks in advance


Umm...is your mother implying it was OK for you but not for her?? I personally don't think how you take vacations is your mother's business. :scratchhead:


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> IYour Mom is right. Going of for a girls weekend was not healthy for your marriage, especially in the first year of marriage.
> 
> 
> M N


Why? What on earth is wrong with going on a girls weekend with her sister? :scratchhead:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Your mother has no business opining on how you run your marriage. Now would be a good time to make sure that is clear to her.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Why is your mum only cranky with your wife? You went away to spend time with a friend as well - it's not like you were left abandoned at home alone. I wonder if she would be as upset if it was you who had initially organised a weekend away instead of your wife.

Here's the thing though....it doesn't matter if she is right or wrong you MUST stand up for your wife (always, in all ways) - your mum needs to understand that your wife is (and always will be) the number one woman in your life now. Nip this in the bud early or you will suffer the consequences of mother in-law from hell syndrome (and that can be really ugly down the track).


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm with surfergirl--you guys both went away and if anything, it's not fair that your mom is making your wife the "fall guy" in this debate.

The larger issue here is that it sounds like it's more than time for you to decide who it is you're going to be married to. Your mom or your wife. If it's your mom, then sure...let her decide when and where you vacation and who goes along when. However, if it's your wife that you plan on spending the rest of your life with, then what you guys do on weekends is your business. If neither of you had a problem hanging out separately for a weekend, then what does it matter if your mother has any opinion at all?

For what it's worth, I wouldn't even really call this "separate vacations". It's not like she went to the beach for a week and you went to the mountains, each on your own because you couldn't agree. A weekend away with a couple of people for a milestone birthday of someone she's close to, though? And that it would be okay to go before you got married, or after your first anniversary but not in between those two dates? But that's just my thinking and those semantics aren't really the issue.

The big issue isn't whether you mother is right or wrong, it's whether you're going to put her in the position to decide that for you. If you are, I'd frankly just put a lawyer on retainer now, because a marriage with three people hardly ever succeeds.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Lisa, 

Thanks for the follow up question. First I want to clarify that going on a girls weekend is much less damaging than interfering parents. I also need to qualify that not every relationship is the same. 

In general, separate vacations are stressful to a relationship. A young / newlywed relationship can be pretty fragile. Putting a bunch of sisters together where they can compare the performance of their husbands for an entire weekend, is a real minefield. That is why I say that it is unhealthy for the relationship. I didn't say it was wrong, or even that it was uncommon. What I am saying is that I wouldn't have made that choice. 

M N


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> Lisa,
> 
> Putting a bunch of sisters together where they can compare the performance of their husbands for an entire weekend, is a real minefield. M N


OK, that is funny...when I have been on a weekend (not even a long vacation in the OP, just a weekend) with friends, the last thing we cared to do was compare husband performance.....gah

:rofl:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> OK, that is funny...when I have been on a weekend (not even a long vacation in the OP, just a weekend) with friends, the last thing we cared to do was compare husband performance.....gah
> 
> :rofl:


:iagree: :iagree:

I guess that must be the first thing boys talk about when they're left to their own devices....but having gone on more than my share of girls trips before and since marriage...I'll let you in on a secret--since this is the Men's Clubhouse and all--we always have LOTS to catch up on besides who's hubby may or may not be doing this, that or the other. Hardly even makes the list most times...


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My first thought?
> 
> It's none of Mom's business - period.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## rmitch22 (Apr 28, 2011)

You and your wife have your own life now. Your mother has nothing to do with it as long as you both know that your relationship is ok.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Lisa and Gypsy,

I am so glad to hear that. I wish that were true here. 

Actually guys don't talk much at all. Unless they are into spectator sports in which case they talk to much about too little.

M N


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> Lisa and Gypsy,
> 
> I am so glad to hear that. I wish that were true here.
> 
> ...


That's kind of sad that they don't have more to talk about. I mean, we all love our husbands and families and all, but you know how they have that catch line, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"? We have an unspoken one that's kind of the opposite when we're away, "what happens at home, stays at home". That way we can all focus on the really important things. You know...shopping, massages, shopping, pedicures, dinner, shopping... :rofl:


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

Having had more than my share of an interfering MIL, I will tell you again what several people have already said. Choose your WIFE, not your mother. Your mother had no business offering her opinion on this UNLESS you asked. In which case, you made a HUGE mistake. This is between you and your wife. My husband has always told his parents way more about our private lives than what I was comfortable with. 
As a mother of sons, I do NOT offer an opinion on anything their gfs/fiancees do unless it's something positive. I will not criticize my son's SOs. What they do is their business. If they came to me for advice, I would still be very careful not to be negative about their women and choices/actions they have made. I would encourage them to work it out between themselves. Next time your mother offers an unasked for opinion, I would tell her firmly that this is between my wife and myself. And then change the subject.


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