# Complicated, like everyone else



## rainydaze (Aug 3, 2009)

I have been married for nearly two years, we were together a total of 5 years. I am happy with my husband. He is a wonderful man. He has stepped in and raised my 8 year old daughter from a past relationship as if she were his own. 
When I was young(20) I was in a very intense relationship with a guy I was completely in love with. I got pregnant. We both were thrown out of our parents homes, I dropped out of college. But we were so in love, even being homeless didn't matter. Eventually his family accepted the situation and we moved in with them. But I was an emotional wreck knowing that my entire family had disowned me and our child. So I constantly asked if we were doing the right thing and maybe my mom was right and we needed to have an abortion. This was not at all what I wanted, I just wanted my family back. After an arguement over this I left, moved home with my mom, whom I told I had an abortion. After several weeks of no calls from him my mom (who had figured out my lie) talked me into an abortion. It is the biggest regret of my entire life, which if you knew some of the paths I have chosen you would understand. I never saw or spoke to him again after that. 
For the last twelve years I have been searching for him and his family. I have never even come close. Then the year I was married I stopped looking. I was busy, I thought about him still almost daily. I just chose not to look anymore. It was during the first year of marriage I bagan to lose passion for my husband, probably even months before the wedding. The year before we were married we had sex 1-2 times a month if he begged enough. And since, it has only been worse. 
I am not sure if a lot of people go through this or not. But I seriously would be SO happy if he said "Honey let's never have sex again." I thought it was my age that I just lost the desire to have sex. 
Until three months ago when I, out of sheer boredom thought I would look for my ex from so long ago. One search and I found him. In his photo he was holding a kid. He looked really happy. So I wrote to him and told him I was sorry, but glad he had found happiness, as had I. That started us talking A LOT. All my feelings for him have come back. I love him. And I feel even more passionately for him now than ever before. We met once, and I kissed him. All I want is to leave my perfect husband and be with my ex. 
I told my husband everything and he said I can not leave and I am breaking his heart. He is insisting on marriage counseling. I love him, but kissing him is like kissing a cousin. I just don't feel anything anymore. If I leave I will someday look back and regret it. If I don't try and salvage what my ex and I once had, I will wonder for the rest of my life and continue to be in the pain I have endured for the last twelve years...

Anyone who can help me, or give some advice I would love it. I know I probably sound like a nasty *****, but I am not, I just am emotional and SO incredibly confused. Sorry this is so long, but like I said it is complicated...


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## separatednsad (Aug 2, 2009)

WOW,it sounds like you really arnt IN LOVE with your current husband. But babe i fell in to a similar situation with my husband that i am separated from he is abusive and mean. On the other hand the man i left was PERFECT i made a terrable terrable mistake to leave him. Dont leave your hubby he sounds wonderful the grass will always seem greener on the other side. Our parents are very much wiser than us and sometimes they see things we dont. you will be making a big mistake who is willing to exept you through the kiss. you should go to counseling am make things right with hubby HE love you. this other man has a family and if he will step outside of that with you ,he will step out on you for another women.think about it im here babe keep posting!


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I like it. Destroy two families for one that may or more likely may not, work out.

You go girl.



John


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

:iagree:

You need not only marriage therapy, you need to see a shrink to work through your individual problems.

You can't really return to the past. It is a fantasy.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Never leave one relationship and go straight into another...your view is through the rose colored glasses of the past. You have no idea how he has changed or what being with him would be like now.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

You really think you still have a chance with this guy from the past? I really wouldn't be so fast to leave the woman who married me and gave me a child for one who left me and aborted my kid, espicially if I knew she only gave it up to her current husband monthly.

Noone really ends up with thier first choice, thier most intense relationship, because we make so many mistakes because we are so new at it at that point. It takes a few tries to find out what your role in a relationship really is and to find a person you can be a good partner to, its about much more than intense feelings, its about sustainability. 

Frankly you havn't found it yet. If you totally ignore your husbands sexual needs he will leave or cheat on you eventually. You lost this other guy a long time ago and although he may seem accepting of it now it will always be between you.

You do need to do some work on yourself befor you make any decisions. Dont try to fix a mistake a decade ago with another mistake today. You can find a way to love yourself and your husband again, only down that path can you find happiness. Be thankful you have a man who is devoted to you and your daughter and learn to be dovoted to him.

If you chase intense emotionsyou will have to switch people every 6 months, because thats how long the infatuation lasts. After that the tarnish on anyone starts to show and if all you wanted in the whole thing was the emotion you will be left with nothing.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

In truth you deserve (and probably will) lose everything. But it would also most likely be the best thing for your husband. You don't deserve his love. You squandered what you had and now you're a cheater. It looks like there is no way to turn your selfish heart back to the man who loves you. Expect a lot of pain.


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## rainydaze (Aug 3, 2009)

Let me clarify...The only reason I contacted my ex was because he looked happy and married ain his photo. I was too, so some part of me believed I could talk to him once or twice and just get over whatever it was that had kept me thinking of him. BUT, the kid he was holding was his niece. and he is single and still crazy for me. 
My husband found this site, and my post. Apparently he did not know how bad things were. He is angry, and rightfully so. The last person to post, you are right to say I don't deserve someone as wonderful as my husband. However, people make mistakes. I stopped things before they went any further and told my husband. We are starting counseling this week and I have completely cut off all connections and ties with my ex. It actually feels better. 
At the same time my husband realized what he had done to let me go as far as looking for an ex. He has not really been participating in this family for the last few months I have felt like a single mom. We are going to work on things. 
We hope to only becoming stronger and happier through all of this.
To those of you with advice, THANK YOU!!! It really gave me confidence in what I have decided to do. It is really great to have outside opinions. 
************************************


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## Open Heart (Aug 2, 2009)

I think what you are missing is deeper inside. Its almost as if you want an excuse to leave your husband. I'm pretty sure once you are back with your ex your going to regret that too. Honestly you need to find yourself first. Take time away, and find out who you are, what you want, and be willing to accept what you may not get. Leave history in your past, keep your future guessing, and today is a gift, thats why it's called the "present"


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## rainydaze (Aug 3, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> In truth you deserve (and probably will) lose everything. But it would also most likely be the best thing for your husband. You don't deserve his love. You squandered what you had and now you're a cheater. It looks like there is no way to turn your selfish heart back to the man who loves you. Expect a lot of pain.


People are here for advice not judgement. If you can't do that than you shouldn't even be on this site. I am guessing you must be on this site for a reason, and you know people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I'm not on it for cheating or planning to destroy my spouse, which there is a good chance that that is exactly what you are going to do to him. Its like you came here for absolution. Sorry, you need to look to God for that.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Your post shouts fickle. First you have the unplanned pregnancy and the abortion (and to be honest it was likely a good thing, as you were not ready for the responsibility of a child, neither was the father).

Then you have a new baby, who is now EIGHT year old girl. She has had your dh in HER life for FIVE of those EIGHT years. You say he is a perfect husband, etc. Ok, GOOD.

You said you were confused. 

You are very confused you are :smthumbup: about that! 

You are also wanting to change men like one changes underwear. When you get bored and "rainyday" feeling, you start to focus on this fantasy of "what could have been". 

The above means you are fickle. 

Webster's: Fickle: marked by lack of steadfastness, constancy, or stability : given to erratic changeableness.

You did not go on that photo and see a happy man and a baby, you saw an OPPORTUNITY. And when your marriage does not feel right, you don't know how to work on it, so saw it as an opportunity to look elsewhere and live a fantasy.

I would advise you to get on your knees and pray to God your dh will take you back, and IF he does, learn to be a good person and wife. 

P.S. *HINT: If the dude you kissed had no ISSUE with kissing a married woman...then YOU should have red flags going off. He is hovering in the dirt bag category. You hook up with this dude and you'll be on here in three years crying about how he cheated on you....guaranteed.*


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## rainydaze (Aug 3, 2009)

Wow. Some of these answers make me want to lay down and die. It does put things into prospective for me. Now that it has been a few days, my H and I have talked. He has admitted there are other issues. I am not my any means condoning what I did or using our problems as an excuse. What I did was a mistake and I regret it a lot. 
We are working on repairing what we had, and there is not a moment that passes that I don't see how lucky I am for that. 
Many coments really woke me up, the past is a fantasy, and as much as I feel I want to live there somedays, I need to leave it there and be greatful for what I have. Thank you everyone who wrote.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its called contrition. And its a good thing. Your last post was the first one that did not seem all fogged up with excuses and fantasy. I was encouraged to read that you are experiencing "thankfulness" for your husband. Stay strong, and if you need another 2x4 come on back.


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## Daddyme (Jul 25, 2009)

This website rocks. I admire the quality of members on this website. Some members are just up there in there moral codes. Thank you for a breath of fresh air.


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

I think you have forgotten what love really is.
I would work on that, work on yourself. Learn what the principle
of love is and apply it to your life. Realizing the fantasy of the past is just that is a good start.


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