# Were you "The perfect couple"?



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

How many thought they were the perfect couple or had a great marriage before D-Day?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I had a good, sometimes great marriage or so I thought...

I had this discussion with a good friend of mine. I wasn't stupid like I keep thinking I was. I trusted her completely.

It's OK. It's not your fault. Just remember that!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Even though the red flags were there, I thought we were the perfect couple haha.... was I ever in denial.

Even after separation and relocation I still thought we were great together.

Until he pretty much said he had never liked my core values/attitude on life.

It has taken a while to reconcile my ideal marriage and real marriage but I am getting there.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

> Were you the perfect couple?


Yes. 
And my friends and family thought so too. 
WS gave an Oscar winning performance in keeping his secret life under wraps. It seems most cheaters are also fine actors.
My family, friends and I can't all be stupid.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Yes. everybody always said they were jealous of how great we were together. I am ashamed to show my face anywhere because of what she did.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

v8crazy said:


> Yes. everybody always said they were jealous of how great we were together. I am ashamed to show my face anywhere because of what she did.


Please don't be ashamed to show your face V8. Nobody sees it like that. 
What would you say to a friend of yours who had the same thing happen to him and said he wanted to hide away because he felt ashamed?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Rugs said:


> How many thought they were the perfect couple or had a great marriage before D-Day?


Affairs can happen even with good marriages ... until they go bad. Having a good marriage reduces the risk of infidelity but there is no guarantee.

You also musg have solid boundaries. ALL marriages go through challenges.

But also indeed one party can think everything is great and it really is not. 

I think we see this with some walk away wives. They tell their hubbies there are problems for some period of time. Then they stop complaining and move on emotionally. This husband think everything has been fixed ... sigh.

I am one of those who believs you must keep the passion alive in your marriage. This is not always easy and again, there are no guarantees. EAs are rampant. Most marriages are destroyed before cheating happens.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

There is no such thing as the perfect couple. 
Each couple has issues, even the strongest ones. They're just better at keeping their dirty laundry away from others eyes, that's all..


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I knew we had some issues, I thought they were fairly normal though and the infidelity blind sided me.

So many people were shocked, they said they thought we were perfect together. I guess we put on a great front for public outings.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

My ex-MIL used to tell us that we were the only marriage that gave her hope in marriage. She said the majority of couples she knew in her life time ended in divorce and that most of the couple who were still married weren't "Happily" married. Well, I guess my wife let her mother down. I was bummed at first but I prefer "reality" over fantasy.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Nm


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Most of the time I thought we were a pretty good match, not perfect by any means but pretty close to it. I was floored on Dday1 even though I had the gut feelings about cheating and not a lot of marital happiness a few months prior. The night of Dday1 I kept saying "Us? Really?" and similar things- as if we were two people meant for each other. 

I really had it in my head that we were something special which was pure fantasy and just as dangerous as any 'fog' because I didn't take precautions with our boundaries and didn't have a healthy understanding of what it takes to maintain a marriage. 

The hardest thing is that other people really saw us as a great couple. "You can really tell that you love each other" "You can really feel the love in this household" etc. I know that a lot of people 'looked up' to us and were in disbelief when they found out my WW cheated. Now when people say things like "You have a beautiful family" and "You two complement each other so well" I feel like a fraud. I'd like to correct their faulty assumptions. I honestly don't know if I always respond to those comments because it usually starts a strong internal dialogue.

People seem to enjoy imagining what it is like to have two artist types married to each other when they find out that we both teach fine arts subjects. Like we're some vibrant wonderful, cultured duo. Seriously, I get fawn eyes and looks of jealousy from females that find that out. 

Nope, sorry, just the same old infidelity discussions and coping everyone else seems to be experiencing.


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

Hubby got into an EA with his high school sweetheart after she found him on facebook. We talked about how we were the perfect couple. We still cannot figure out how it happened to us. We were both happy and have always had a good marriage. The OW appeared and he was hit by feelings for her.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Affairs can happen even with good marriages ... until they go bad. Having a good marriage reduces the risk of infidelity but there is no guarantee.
> 
> *I think we see this with some walk away wives. They tell their hubbies there are problems for some period of time. Then they stop complaining and move on emotionally. This husband think everything has been fixed ... sigh.*


Walk away wife... yep, exactly the way my marriage went. At 20+ years my wife started to act differently towards me. She encouraged me to pursue my hobbies without her, stop complaining. She started to spend more time with her "girlfriends" without me... GNO and such. 

I thought everything was going great. Totally blindsided when she announces that she is giving up, moving out, tired of trying, Xmas day no-less. Years, later after being caught, she admitted in MC, that the fog of affairs had consumed her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Some in my wife's family would call us love birds. Even her toxic sister would call us that.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

often the "perfect couple" is one that seemingly never has issues, fights, disagreements.."oh we never argue"...i.e....you NEVER have to work at your marriage, or work through issues...if a marriage with no issues suddenly hits a HUGE issue, there is no experience there...know what I mean

or they are both really good at burying issues, or not confronting things so yeah they always get along, seemingly always smile, but deep down there is some major turbulence and its getting worse

couples that are always arguing seem to last forever lol...they are ALWAYS working at it...granted that gets old as well


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

No couple or marriage is literally perfect, but we considered ourselves (and were regarded by others as) a strong and loving partnership. Issues and W's EA intervened, but we are making our way back to what we thought we were (somewhat idealistically, in retrospect). This time with our eyes wide open to threats to our marriage.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

v8crazy said:


> Yes. everybody always said they were jealous of how great we were together. *I am ashamed to show my face anywhere because of what she did*.


My now-exH got his daughter's friend pregnant. Even though I didn't do it - its his actions not mine, and he's got to face the music - it is embarrassing to me. 

And yes, everyone used to tell him how proud he must be of his "beautiful family".

The fool threw it all away. Thought the grass was greener. He thought banging some skank 13 yrs my junior and posting it all over FB made him look like some stud. Disgusting.

We're not the perfect couple anymore! I filed a few days after he told me she was pregnant. I didn't even know he was sleeping with her since he had blocked me from his FB a few mths earlier.


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

When I say perfect couple, I didn't mean we didn't argue etc. We certainly had our disagreements, but we were good communicators and sorted out our problems. We had our up's and down's, but we always had faith in our marriage.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Thought we were both 'soul-mates' but within a marriage full of arguments, 'button-pushing', fighting and toward the end, no sex.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

********** said:


> Yes.
> And my friends and family thought so too.
> WS gave an Oscar winning performance in keeping his secret life under wraps. It seems most cheaters are also fine actors.
> My family, friends and I can't all be stupid.


My former AP fits this description. Her in laws love her and actually treat her better than they treat her husband, their own relative. 

She is really good at spin. Even when caught in a bold face lie, she manages to spin her way out of it, without batting an eyelash. 

No conscience, perhaps.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Rugs said:


> How many thought they were the perfect couple or had a great marriage before D-Day?


IMO, personally, if someone deigns to think their marriage is perfect, that indicates either denial or purposefully wearing blinders. 

In fact, I would go so far as to say, that thinking a marriage is perfect is a* red flag* for one partner eventually cheating.


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## hard_to_detach (Jun 17, 2013)

We always heard from people that we were the perfect couple. Our friends looked up to us and asked our advice on their marriages and relationships. We got married young, so for a couple to be married as long as we had at our age was rare. We didn't fight much but did have disagreements and our strength was our ability to communicate and talk through things.

When she started feeling like she missed out on her 20's is when things started going down hill. Through everything, people still think we should be together. Even when sitting at the table with the lawyer's assistant filling out the divorce paperwork, she said that she has seen a lot of people over her 30 years doing this and that she can tell when two people should go through with it and when they shouldn't. She said she could tell that we still cared for each other and made a beautiful couple and wouldn't be surprised to hear that we called off the divorce or got back together. My stbx cringed at the comment....even a complete stranger who had spent very little time with us could see that what we had was special and should have worked.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

No, we were not. However, I did honestly try my best. Perfect by no means but the effort was there to be as good as we could...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

hard_to_detach said:


> Even when sitting at the table with the lawyer's assistant filling out the divorce paperwork, she said that she has seen a lot of people over her 30 years doing this and that she can tell when two people should go through with it and when they shouldn't. She said she could tell that we still cared for each other and made a beautiful couple and wouldn't be surprised to hear that we called off the divorce or got back together. My stbx cringed at the comment....even a complete stranger who had spent very little time with us could see that what we had was special and should have worked.


So what's to keep you from giving it a second go, even after the divorce. 

IMO, the divorce may be a good thing. You can both decide whether or not you miss each other enough to do the hard work in the marriage. 

Re-marriage is always an option.

Why not date her for awhile, and see how things go.

IMO, caring for each other and having problems in the marriage are two different scenarios. 

You may well care for each other, but problems may have cropped up through the years that were not addressed and rug swept.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Yeap, for 30 year I thought,& everyone who knew us :-(

~sammy


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## hard_to_detach (Jun 17, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> So what's to keep you from giving it a second go, even after the divorce.
> 
> IMO, the divorce may be a good thing. You can both decide whether or not you miss each other enough to do the hard work in the marriage.
> 
> ...



I have not eliminated that possibility at some time in the future, but after being together for 15 years if she doesn't want to be with me I don't see things changing. At this point, I don't want her anymore, but I acknowledge that could change. She will need to make some major changes just as I am in the process of changing myself. 

If a couple years down the road after we have both tested the waters of different relationship, we both realize that what we had was better, I could see us getting back together. It wouldn't be automatic though....we would date and make sure we still like the new us.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

If anyone thinks thier relationship is "perfect" then that's a red flag right there. But I have to admit, I thought we had a pretty good marriage before Dday. We spent time together, not enough, but some. We had a good blend of interests, some combined, some seperate. 

Post dday as I disect things. I see that I was always looking at the positive side of things. Always giving the benefit of the doubt. Even as her online affairs started and I became suspiscious, I thought I was the crazy one. Just being self concious and my low self esteem shining through. What an idiot I was.

Interestingly, as I rebuild my life in the aftermath of the trauma that was Dday. I find I have a lot to fix in myself. As I fix those things, I'm more aware of the problems in our relationship. I try hard not to nit pick, but I do see how things could slip back into complacency. We are two very different people. We have agreed to a middleground in our relationship. Something we both think we can be happy with. Only time will tell if I can be happy with the choices I've made, and if she will hold up her end of the bargin. 

We have some good things going on now, but far from perfect. I wouldn't even call it a good relationship right now. I'd call it a promising start.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> But also indeed one party can think everything is great and it really is not.
> 
> I think we see this with some walk away wives. They tell their hubbies there are problems for some period of time. Then they stop complaining and move on emotionally. This husband think everything has been fixed ... sigh.


:iagree:

The perfect couple collapse is often due to two things, communication problems and a need by one to not show displeasure or unhappiness in addition to conflict avoidance. For many who have spouses that hide their feelings it's really hard to know what the real state of their marriage truly is. I see the fact that one spouse is blindsided a symptom of a larger problem origination from the other who in many ways living a lie for convenience.

We have never thought we were the perfect couple....


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Nope, we definitely weren't the perfect couple. But I say that with hindsight. It seems like every other day I flash back to some moment in our 5 year relationship and think, "man, she was a time bomb waiting to go off." It's all so obvious to me now.

I wasn't completely deluded. The first couple of years were great. she was the opposite of my two previous girlfriends, loved to hang out make jokes and watch football.

Then something happened around the 2.5 year mark. Everything was drama--a poorly loaded dishwasher would lead to her screaming. I should have got out then, but I convinced myself that this was a REAL relationship and real relationships were hard.

It's not even the infidelity that bothers me anymore, it's that I _actually_ prided myself on putting up with her BS. Man. Today, I would rather die alone than deal with her level of screetchtardedness again. 

And that's the funny thing, my current GF knows that. We're about a year in and there's been none of the drama I had with the xWF.

I don't even know what my point is. I guess it's just that there are many ways of being deluded in a relationship. Some people delude themselves into thinking their relationship is perfect. Some people delude themselves into thinking that they "keep it real."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rugs said:


> How many thought they were the perfect couple or had a great marriage before D-Day?


I did.




Funnily enough, so did other people.

I can recall a young friend saying what a nice couple we were and how it was nice to see people of our ages so in love. And how she knew we'd never cheat on each other."

I thanked her and thought: "If only you knew!"


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

Rugs said:


> How many thought they were the perfect couple or had a great marriage before D-Day?


We obviously had problems before D-Day, so we knew we weren't the "perfect couple." But from the outside looking in, it looked like like we were (and it still does). People frequently tell us how lucky we are to have such a great relationship and how perfect we are together. Single women I work with are envious of my "perfect" marriage. If they only knew, ha. Only a handful of people know now what's really going on. 

Just proves you should never be jealous of anyone else and what you perceive their life to be. You never know what their life is really like behind closed doors.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

We had our peaks and valleys in our 16 yr marriage but I trusted and loved him. Although we were in a bad spot with economy and increased arguments about business, I NEVER thought infidelity would be part of our marriage. 

I was shocked when his mistress called me. Revenge call when he tried to break it off. Something in me died that day and we could never get back the flow of marriage. We tried counseling but he liedmost sessions or wouldn't want to discuss things.

People were floored when they found out. Shocked. Many, many people asked me "is there any chance you can take him back" I heard this from so many people. 

He cheated, lied, NEVER apologized to me, never showed remorse, broke the trust, ruined my daughters family life as she knew it, yet everyone looked at me like I could not forgive and asked what it would take for me to get past it. 

For a year I had a hard time looking at reality and was hanging onto the man I married and thought that this man would suddenly appear out of the body of this imposter. I finally started to deal with the 'new" man he had become and detached emotionally from this selfish stranger. 

Life shattering none the less.


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

I thought we were, his family said I had got the "best" one of the sons, charming etc, he was a complete lier and had me fooled for years- small red flags should have alerted me, but I was completely sure he was THE one and my life was going to be so wonderful- stupid girl I was full of romance and dreams, he still is a great husband from the outside it would knock relatives for six if I showed or told them what he was in reality - I am still having a hard time looking at reality,


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## amusenet (Jul 12, 2013)

Yes. Really seemed like it a few years ago.

I'd always thought we were like two lost souls that finally found each other, a little late (I was 30 she was 27 when we got together) but still with plenty of time to be happy ever after. We came from the same circle of friends and had known about each other for years but just didn't quite get it together someone we both knew suggested we'd be good together.

We had another mutual friend use the exact phrase "perfect couple", and I remember it seemed like a big compliment because the relationship he was in seemed like it was perfect.

We actually talked about it sometimes and said how lucky we were to be such a perfect match. If you went through the "facts" we seemed to tick all the boxes: similar age, height, build, physically seemed to just go together... came from the same backgrounds, worked in the same industry, shared many mutual friends.. we even earned about the same amounts and had similar savings so we went 50% with the deposit for our home and the payments and almost everything we did was an equal down the line. No arguments, always talked things through. Everything seemed perfect.

Then after 7.5 years she had an affair with a coworker (her assistant, much younger) and 1 week after admitting it walked out, never came back. Never tried to work on anything, just said "sorry I made a mistake marrying you" and that was it, gone. When we finally got to MC she wouldn't talk about reconciliation, she'd made her decision and was done, and was only there to give whatever closure she could. People who had known her all her life were open mouth shocked, just could not believe it. I knew there were cracks in our marriage but I never for a moment thought anything that couldn't be fixed. I think for most people looking from the outside it looked we went from "perfect couple" to "finished" like switching out a light.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

Rugs said:


> How many thought they were the perfect couple or had a great marriage before D-Day?


I knew we had issues, but I never thought he would cheat. I would bet money that most people that we know would be shocked to find out. Very few people know the real guy behind the devoted family man façade. Even the women he had EAs with made comments about how lucky I was to have him. Cause what woman doesn't want a husband who is lusting after other women?


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