# On Deciding to see other people and getting caught...



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Hey everyone,

*EDIT*: I noticed there was confusion on the title of the thread and what I actually meant by seeing other people. Please read the whole post, it's not the standard definition.

So, in this thread, I wanted to discuss 2 things. One is the fact that I've decided I want to start seeing other people. The other, well, I got caught being sneaky last night by my wife.

The whole reason I want to see other people is because my wife's been becoming a real pain to deal with, as you can see in this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/264082-how-diffuse-hostile-situations.html

In that thread, a few users, including TobyBoy, thought my wife might be having an affair. I really doubt she is, but she seems to be hiding something, mainly because she changed the PW on her phone. The other day, I found out what her PW was.

And this is the part where I get caught trying to be sneaky. 


Yesterday, after we had almost packed everything to go Kayaking/paddleboarding, my wife asked me to go upstairs and get her phone. I went up and decided to check the PW to see if it was still the same (she came upstairs right after I found it last time, so I thought she may have realized I found it and changed it). I successfully got into her phone, but didn't check anything yet as she started telling me to hurry up and bring her down her phone. I started heading downstairs slowly and told her I had issues finding it. (This was my big mistake) I thought the screen would lock up before I got downstairs because she she's got it set to a one minute lock.

As soon as I handed her the phone, I realized I had been caught because her screen was still lit. She asked "Oh, haha, so you finally discovered my PW" afterwards, she began an assault of questions like "Why are you trying to find my PW so bad, don't you trust me?","Do you think I'm hiding something?" "What did you find/What were you looking for on my phone?"
I told her I didn't look for anything, which was true, but since she was saying most of this in a smiling, cute face, I couldn't help but smile when she asked me what I did on her phone. Of course she didn't believe, and insisted I told her what I was looking for, or found. I did my best to hold a serious face and told her I just put in her PW, but didn't search for anything.

Later she went on about how she and her family don't share each others' PW in her country and said she deserves some privacy.

For most of this, I felt mentally paralyzed. I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to tell her I didn't trust her. or that I thought she was hiding something. Didn't know how to respond when she made me guilty by saying "Why? you don't trust me?"

I kinda felt like the bad guy, Like I was sneaking around doing something I shouldn't and got caught.

Anyways, so here are some other things that have made me wonder.....



Tobyboy said:


> No respect for you.
> 
> Stopped all physical contact.
> 
> ...


Ahhh Yes, 

I'm not saying you're wrong. I can probably explain those, but mine are actually worse.

First, let me explain some of the above (or at least her reasons)

_Stopped all physical contact_. This bothers me a lot. She tells me she doesn't feel right hugging/kissing as if "everything's okay" when there are issues in our relationship.

_Paying twice as much for lunch. _ I would assume she was just paying for a friend (as they often pay for her). I'm still bothered by the fact she got so annoyed when I asked her why she spent, though.

The other reasons you mentioned I don't really have good explanations for, aside from the fact that she seems done with our relationship. Honestly, I didn't know they were even signs of cheating.

*Reason I'm concerned she's hiding something*

-Changed PW on her phone, wouldn't share it with me (Previously she had a PW I knew, or NO PW on her phone) I still had the PW to her Ipad.
-Shuts down websites/apps when I approach and try to see what's on her screen. (possibly because I make it so obvious I'm trying to read her screen)
- She CHANGED her PW again. last night, after I found out what hers was.
-Seems suspicious that I'm trying to snoop. Asks why I want her phone's PW or why I'm looking at her ipad.
-Very few text threads on her phone (just me and a few coworkers). In other words, her history is very clean.
-This past week, she's been asking I'm working OT almost every day, suggests I work MORE OT on said day.. Like one day this week, she texted me asking if I was working OT. I told her until 5:30pm. She said "You should work more OT", I asked her why. She responds saying "IDK, so you can pay off your student loans or whatever"
-Sleeps in a separate room most nights nowadays, keeps her iPad/phone with her.
-In our past conversations about "Is our marriage going to work", which basically leads to "Our marriage seems like it's basically over"
she said "Maybe you'll find someone who's got more in common with you" 
"Maybe we should just be separate for awhile/single again"
"Don't you want to date other women?" in reference to when 
I said "I wonder what it would've been like to date other women before meeting you." sometime last year.
-She misses traveling alone, as a single person
-Her reasons for not being interested in our relationship are things that I FEEL I haven't done recently (for the most part) like going out to play games/hobbies w. friends. Seemed like things were good until the recent events on Valentines Day and her March B-day.

*Reasons Why I think she wouldn't cheat/have an affair*
-She never goes anywhere, except to the Gym, out to lunch w. Co-workers (AFAIK), she always comes straight home after work.
-I highly doubt she would have an affair w anyone at work, since everyone there knows she's married and she always wears her rings
-Says she doesn't want to be in a relationship w/ anyone, wants to enjoy being single
-If she got caught and her family found out, she would be mortified and eternally shamed. Filipino culture is all about having a good image amongst your peers/family. Right now, they see as their little angel.
-She has been cheated on before, and knows how bad it hurts. I think her dedication to her religion (Catholic) would also influence her decision not to cheat.
-Constantly asks if I'm going to buy a ticket to go to PH with her

========================================
Either way, i don't want to get caught up in a episode of extreme or unwarranted Paranioa (the kind similar to what those "is he cheating on you" ads seem to want to incite.

I just want to find out what's going on.

Oh, and I almost forgot... Last night I finally got to start seeing other people (I did last weekend as well) 
Basically, since I'm tired of having confrotations/being nagged by my wife, I started going out by myself.

Last weekend I went fishing and met another man and his wife. He and I had some pretty nice but brief conversations about how well he was doing and his fishing plans for the evening.

Last night, I also got to talk to a good number of other people, mostly just greeting them with friendly questions about how they were doing, what they caught, etc. Just any friendly, social, respectful, healthy conversations between two people.

I'm wondering if I should start applying the 180 and doing this more often. I just realized I need/want to interact with other people more often, especially strangers

A. Because I realized I haven't seen anyone aside from my wife family in awhile.

B. The only people I know are my wife, some old friends from 10 years ago, and my family.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Assuming this is real, I'll bite and suggest something.. this is really radical so be prepared. My reading of this is..and wait for it..

If you want to start seeing other people..wait for it

This will be mind blowing..

*Get a divorce and you can see all the people you want.*

My god I astound myself sometimes!!


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> Assuming this is real, I'll bite and suggest something.. this is really radical so be prepared. My reading of this is..and wait for it..
> 
> If you want to start seeing other people..wait for it
> 
> ...


I think you misunderstood the post. The title of the thread is misleading.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think it would be healthy to get out and socialize as well as doing the 180. In my opinion, there are many red flags that indicate cheating and really no solid signals that she isn't. 

Her culture is just as notorious for cheating as any, BTW.

If you snoop, get colder about it. You are too nervous. If you had access to her phone, you should have went to the bathroom and found out what is up.

With her attitude, your marriage does seem over, cheating or not but I understand your curiosity about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP all I can say is that your understanding of the Filipina culture is monumentally wrong! I have Filipina relatives in Manila and Cebu City and I can say that the women there are easily the most unfaithful on the planet (and it is a very matriarchal and female dominated society). 

Cheating seems to come naturally and they will value sisters, mothers, aunts and even female cousins over their husbands - and don't fall for that "they're Catholics" bull$h!t. Seen too many good trusting men been burned many times!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My old lady work with a bunch of them (in fact she the only white chick ) and the shyt they talk about is phucked up.

No wonder my wife cheated...hanging around that bunch...

Really my wife cheat cuz she was an idiot.

Back to the point....I believe it's a cultural thing and until she gets on board with saving her marriage versus saving her privicy you can forget about it!


----------



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> OP all I can say is that your understanding of the Filipina culture is monumentally wrong! I have Filipina relatives in Manila and Cebu City and I can say that the women there are easily the most unfaithful on the planet (and it is a very matriarchal and female dominated society).
> 
> Cheating seems to come naturally and they will value sisters, mothers, aunts and even female cousins over their husbands - and don't fall for that "they're Catholics" bull$h!t. Seen too many good trusting men been burned many times!


I know that most Filipino men have mistresses. Never heard anything about females being notorious for it though, guess I could be wrong.


----------



## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

> -This past week, she's been asking I'm working OT almost every day, suggests I work MORE OT on said day.. Like one day this week, she texted me asking if I was working OT. I told her until 5:30pm. She said "You should work more OT", I asked her why. She responds saying "IDK, so you can pay off your student loans or whatever"


Say her you will on the same day on the next week, and come back home much sooner. 

If she is not home, ask her if she is already home, see what she answers.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I can certainly understand that you want to know where you stand and what the future holds as far as your marriage is concerned. You must however realize that, whether or not your wife is having an affair, it seems almost certain that she is not prepared to maintain the marriage. If she indeed wants to be single again then there is very little (read nothing) that you can do to dissuade her.

You can present an argument for remaining married to you both verbally and demonstratively but, in the end, the future of your union will ultimately rest on her decision. You may be able to forestall the inevitable for a time but if she is truly done then you cannot stop it. So the question then becomes do you want to try and if so, for how long. It is a very difficult reality to face but it is true.





JukeboxHero said:


> *Reasons Why I think she wouldn't cheat/have an affair*
> -She never goes anywhere, except to the Gym, out to lunch w. Co-workers (AFAIK), she always comes straight home after work.
> -I highly doubt she would have an affair w anyone at work, since everyone there knows she's married and she always wears her rings
> -Says she doesn't want to be in a relationship w/ anyone, wants to enjoy being single
> ...


As for this quote, surely you can see that these reasons are extremely weak. I am not saying that your wife is having an affair but it does seem more likely than not. Again a difficult reality but be prepared in case it is true.

I believe I would ask your wife for a serious discussion wherein I would ask her true intent. If she intends to work on the relationship then request that she begin do so immediately and if she intends to D, then so be it and move forward based on her answer.

As to your socializing with other friends I can see no reason not to pursue that. Having a social network for yourself may help you to cope if your wife is intent on D.

Finally, one last thing in regards to your snooping. The next time your wife asks why you are covertly trying to gather information simply tell her that you are indeed uncertain of your current position and future with her and are trying to eliminate scenarios in an effort to deduce what she will not express. Also, how can one snoop on themselves since the vows in a religious ceremony state that the two shall become one flesh. She either believes it or she does not. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

She has told you the reason she is behaving this way. You can choose to ignore it and look for other reasons and justifications if you like; but every action, word, and thought points to an active affair. In this case though all that is irrelevant

She said this:

*I want to be single.*

You are married but she has decided that she isn't.

It is time for you to accept this and start wind up this marriage.
it is over, finished and done in her mine. She has already cut you off. 
Sorry man.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I think you misunderstood the post. The title of the thread is misleading.


Actually, I think Bob called it accurately as JBH went on to say:



> So, in this thread, I wanted to discuss 2 things. One is the fact that I've decided I want to start seeing other people.


He should divorce her, under those circumstances.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Even if there is no affair going on, the two of you need to get serious with each other about:

1. Committing to resolve the marital issues by going to couples therapy.

2. Or commit to end the marriage once and for all.

Forget about "seeing other people" because that is only going to make matters much, much worse. As someone else has already said, you can do that after the two of you are divorced.

Good luck.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

JukeboxHero said:


> I know that most Filipino men have mistresses. Never heard anything about females being notorious for it though, guess I could be wrong.


You need to experience the power of the Filipina women's network on a global basis as my uncle and other male relatives and friends have first hand, to understand. The men are definitely the weaker sex there - often are drones and useless. 

A Filipina will often use a number of men including husbands to get to a situation that is ideal for them - enable them financially (including help for their relatives) and giving them sexual freedom to pursue whomever and whatever they want. And then use a typically twisted version of Catholicism to have all of their behaviour forgiven so that they are absolved of any blame/guilt! Unless, of course, they find the man of their dreams and fall head over heels in love - this is pretty rare. 

I have travelled pretty far and wide to experience them in the far East, the Middle East, Europe and North America. I have had my Filipina aunt (through marriage) offer me her niece as a replacement for (and then as an alternative, as a supplement to) my wife! I have had my cousin's Filipina wife and a friend's Filipina wife separately, hook up with other men in the USA when trying to emigrate to the U.S. And I have seen all kinds of shenanigans here in England as these women try to climb the ladder!


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> You need to experience the power of the Filipina women's network on a global basis as my uncle and other male relatives and friends have first hand, to understand. The men are definitely the weaker sex there - often are drones and useless.
> 
> A Filipina will often use a number of men including husbands to get to a situation that is ideal for them - enable them financially (including help for their relatives) and giving them sexual freedom to pursue whomever and whatever they want. And then use a typically twisted version of Catholicism to have all of their behaviour forgiven so that they are absolved of any blame/guilt! Unless, of course, they find the man of their dreams and fall head over heels in love - this is pretty rare.
> 
> I have travelled pretty far and wide to experience them in the far East, the Middle East, Europe and North America. I have had my Filipina aunt (through marriage) offer me her niece as a replacement for (and then as an alternative, as a supplement to) my wife! I have had my cousin's Filipina wife and a friend's Filipina wife separately, hook up with other men in the USA when trying to emigrate to the U.S. And I have seen all kinds of shenanigans here in England as these women try to climb the ladder!


Am loath to 'generalise' any particular race or culture this way but unfortunately having experienced a number of female Filipino as employees, sad to say this summation is not without some truth. Of course there are some genuinely good ones. 

However, my experience overall as been one where you will be used for financial and personal gain and the amount of sob stories, lies and drama I have been fed would put the best Hollywood actress to shame. This has happened too many times not to generalise to be honest. 

So in your case I would suggest that you cannot use the standards of a caucasian woman (who is usually direct, less drama, etc) to handle a filipino female, you are talking about an entirely different ball game here.

They will use every trick in the book to keep you hooked while they play behind your back, your wife sounds very much of the general mould. You should be very careful not to fall for the charm, the stories, the tears, the fainting, the extended family stories, etc. and deep dig to find out exactly what is going on. Do not be a fool for love in this case and never take anything you are fed (no matter how convincing) at face value.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

No games----you do THREE things

1st you sit her down, and you have a serious FACE TO FACE discussion ABOUT YOUR MGE, WHERE IT IS GOING, AND WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU AND HER----you do this WITHOUT any kind of electronics being present----you talk directly to each other ---LOOKING AT EACH OTHER----turn off all phones---SO THERE CAN BE NO DISTRACTIONS----also in the aftermath, if needed, further talk is done face to face---no phones/e-mail/social media/texts-------you look at each other as you talk to each other

If this doesn't get the 2 of you started in the right direction---then each of you needs to go to IC---then together to MC----

Last resort---if the above don't work----get a DIVORCE

You do not go around socializing with others, until you attempt to resolve your differences, or you clear out your mge with a DIVORCE

I don't remember if the 2 of you have kids---but if you do---the worst thing you can do is mess around and cheat---cuz you are also messing around and cheating on your kids!!!!!!!!


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Reasons Why I think she wouldn't cheat/have an affair
_-She never goes anywhere, except to the Gym, out to lunch w. Co-workers (AFAIK), she always comes straight home after work.
-I highly doubt she would have an affair w anyone at work, since everyone there knows she's married and she always wears her rings *That may not stop her, she can always be having an affair with work colleague ?*
-Says she doesn't want to be in a relationship w/ anyone, wants to enjoy being single *Red flag, marriage means little to her. BTW how did you meet, online?*
-If she got caught and her family found out, she would be mortified and eternally shamed. Filipino culture is all about having a good image amongst your peers/family. Right now, they see as their little angel. *This is absolutely incorrect, many are separated, divorced, having affairs, the Filipino culture may be catholic but morally it is very corrupt, from a young age women are encouraged to marry well and all for money. How you get the 'good life' is irrelevant even if it involves adultery, etc mI know of employees who are married but have affairs on the side without a thought for their families or husbands back home in the Phillipines. So that is not a factor at all!*
-She has been cheated on before, and knows how bad it hurts. I think her dedication to her religion (Catholic) would also influence her decision not to cheat. *They use the religion to 'pretend' there are boundaries but every decision is very much morally situational, hence the religion has little bearing on what they do, I have witnessed this first hand*
-Constantly asks if I'm going to buy a ticket to go to PH with her_ *Maybe wants to know if you will be there, will the coast be clear, etc. hard to know exactly what this means.*

Sorry if I appear cynical, but thread carefully.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

JukeboxHero said:


> I know that most Filipino men have mistresses. Never heard anything about females being notorious for it though, guess I could be wrong.


Most of us filipino men have mistresses? First I heard of that.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> You need to experience the power of the Filipina women's network on a global basis as my uncle and other male relatives and friends have first hand, to understand. The men are definitely the weaker sex there - often are drones and useless.
> 
> A Filipina will often use a number of men including husbands to get to a situation that is ideal for them - enable them financially (including help for their relatives) and giving them sexual freedom to pursue whomever and whatever they want. And then use a typically twisted version of Catholicism to have all of their behaviour forgiven so that they are absolved of any blame/guilt! Unless, of course, they find the man of their dreams and fall head over heels in love - this is pretty rare.
> 
> I have travelled pretty far and wide to experience them in the far East, the Middle East, Europe and North America. I have had my Filipina aunt (through marriage) offer me her niece as a replacement for (and then as an alternative, as a supplement to) my wife! I have had my cousin's Filipina wife and a friend's Filipina wife separately, hook up with other men in the USA when trying to emigrate to the U.S. And I have seen all kinds of shenanigans here in England as these women try to climb the ladder!


Uh, that's the culture of the poorer southern tagalog and visayan regions. The northern regions like Ilocandia is a different story.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
There is some confusion herein as to your comment "see other people". Are you referring to people in general, socially or females in particular, romantically? Pleas clarify as the former is encouraged but the latter is heartily discouraged.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> Uh, that's the culture of the poorer southern tagalog and visayan regions. The northern regions like Ilocandia is a different story.


Tagalog is the national language and accounts for the majority. It is also the language spoken in Manila. Besayen (visayen) is the language spoken in Cebu City (where my aunt is from) and that area which is south of Manila. In the extreme South you have the Muslims and Islamic rebels. I speak for the majority and as Aine will testify, is true for the majority that leave to come out here.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I cannot help but think that your W has the very same gameplan that you do. In fact, judging solely from the privacy settings on her cell phone, she has probably even stepped her game up a notch or two over yours!

IMHO, this M is going nowhere fast! If there is anything worth saving here, then you both better commit to that end. Otherwise you are just two "single people" sporting wedding bands, amd who are both yearning for the thrill of the single life all over again!

If that is indeed the case, just do the honorable thing and get the D so that you can accomodate that joint mutual goal of being single all over again!*


----------



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> There is some confusion herein as to your comment "see other people". Are you referring to people in general, socially or females in particular, romantically? Pleas clarify as the former is encouraged but the latter is heartily discouraged.


Yeah, I think I need to do that.

I meant socially, as in the plainest, most LITERAL sense of the word. As in visually seeing and interacting with other people, just to mostly experience a pleasant, non-stressful social interaction.

I did title my thread to be a bit misleading, thinking it would draw some "attention", and maybe see if people we're reading the whole thread or just the title. So yeah, I was having fun with words and trying to put a more literal spin on an old, vague phrase.

I definitely wouldn't engage in romantic type relationships while I'm still married. For that matter, I don't think my wife would either.

Unfortunately, this blew up in my face in more ways than one (hint, my WIFE found this thread, hahaha)

I'll be back with more on this later.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jnj express said:


> No games----you do THREE things
> 
> 1st you sit her down, and you have a serious FACE TO FACE discussion ABOUT YOUR MGE, WHERE IT IS GOING, AND WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU AND HER----you do this WITHOUT any kind of electronics being present----you talk directly to each other ---LOOKING AT EACH OTHER----turn off all phones---SO THERE CAN BE NO DISTRACTIONS----also in the aftermath, if needed, further talk is done face to face---no phones/e-mail/social media/texts-------you look at each other as you talk to each other
> 
> ...


Yes!

Divorce first. Date after. So simple. So moral.

Male friends are OK!

You are a fisherman, as am I.

After divorce catch a Trophy B-ASS.

Right now you have a Grouper. Throw her back in the sea. Let someone else catch her. Her bite is worse than her bark.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

> =JukeboxHero;12673242: Yeah, I think I need to do that.
> 
> I did title my thread to be a bit misleading, thinking it would draw some "attention", and maybe see if people we're reading the whole thread or just the title.


As a member of the writers union, I protest: You are doing MY JOB



> Unfortunately, this blew up in my face in more ways than one (hint, my WIFE found this thread, hahaha)
> 
> I'll be back with more on this later.


Yes, please do. My virtual fountain-pen is INKED and IRKED!


----------

