# How come no signs of cheating by partner?



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I found out on xmas eve that my partner of 21 years had been having an affair for the last 6 weeks. She says she's in love, found her soul mate and doesnt love me anymore and has no feelings for me.

I've done a lot of reading since as to why women cheat (she says I've neglected her for years and she felt like a single parent) but what is really nagging me is why there were no tell tale signs of changes in her that would lead me to suspect she was having an affair.

She didn't but new clothes, didn't get her hair done, didn't go for spray tans, didn't wear sexier clothes when going out, didn't try to lose weight or goto the gym, didn't come home with gifts, didn't seem to use her phone more.

I just can't understand why there were no signs.

We won't reconcile now because she says my neglect forced her to cheat and I only have myself to blame.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry you are here. Please read the newbie threads and begin manning up. Start the 180 ASAP and realize you can only change you. Take no blame for this affair. That is all on her, despite her attempts to justify her actions. Don't leave your home. Find an attorney and start protecting yourself. I would file for divorce NOW!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

These are not my words but words taken from others here. 100% of the A falls squarely on your wfie. 50% of the marriage issues rest with both of you. She needs to own up to 100% of her stinkin cheating ways. You did not force her to cheat. She made that choice. You may be responsible for problems in the marriage but not in any way for her decision to cheat. That my friend is soley on her.

No signs. I doubt that. Were there any changes in behavior in her at all during those six weeks? Any changes in sex?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

As for dealing within, expose expose expose
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

no were not married so can't divorce and I can't expose her because she's contacted all her friends and family and told them she's leaving me because she's met someone else. OM is divorced.

There weren't any changes in sex because we don't have sex much at all anyway because our daughter is always around and she's very noisy so we only ever do it when daughter stays out which isnt very often.

But I just can't understand why no signs.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> no were not married so can't divorce and I can't expose her because she's contacted all her friends and family and told them she's leaving me because she's met someone else. OM is divorced.
> 
> There weren't any changes in sex because we don't have sex much at all anyway because our daughter is always around and she's very noisy so we only ever do it when daughter stays out which isnt very often.
> 
> But I just can't understand why no signs.


Probably for the same reason my H didn't set off any alarms with me. I trusted him, and he was really sneaky. He seamlessly included her in his activities( they were co-workers), and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, not even going to the gym, He already had a membership. He told me the most plausible lies and backed them up with half truths.:" I'm going to be out of town on a training trip" ( unsaid: my AP will be with me). Don't call me after six because I have homework, and I need to study for a test ( unsaid: I will actually be in her room after six, and I don't want you to call and wonder where the he!! I am) etc. in all the time the A went on he never mentioned her name or that he worked with any such person. Oh what a tangled web!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Some people are simply able to compartmentalize their affair life from their normal life. Such people are sociopaths.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

r'9, if she's been limiting the sex, you two haven't been in a relationship for longer than you think. Many times a person will just chalk this up to a low libido rather than controlling. In regards to the "dissolution", you still need to contact an attorney in order to protect your assets as well as seeing to it your child is taken care of, assuming you are her father.
Goodluck


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Some people are simply able to compartmentalize their affair life from their normal life. Such people are sociopaths.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's a common skill these days, it's like temporary insanity.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Rumple, I feel for you situation, man. I was taken completely off guard. In my case, there were behavior changes, but they were easily explained by my work schedule and her school schedule. The signs were there; I just didn't interpret them as such. It's like a slight of hand trick. Happens right in front of you, but you are distracted from what's actually going on. And as lordmayhem said, this trick probably requires a bit of sociopathy for skillful execution.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

There may have been some sign, may be you failed to pick them due to your blind trust on her.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You didn't force her to cheat. What a lame excuse.

There is no excuse and it is very bad judgment on her part. If she wasn't happy with the relationship, she should of expressed her concerns with you. 

I'm assuming it's over, she moved on. I'm very sorry. I'm sure there were signs, you were not looking and probably trusted her. At least you don't have to pay for a divorce. You need to decide what's going to happen with your daughter. She sounds young, so get custody straightened out.

Good luck.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dear OP,
The signs cannot go unnoticed. It looks like you were not sensitive enough to take note.

Women do show the changes in the behaviour, attitude, sex, care for family, words they use, etc.. There are so many....

How come you did not notice any of these? You were looking for apparent signs.

Their look tells a lot, OP.

Sorry you are here. Go to the links in the signature of AlmostRecovered. They will be helpful.

Take care,
AU


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Look back carefully and you'll eventually see the signs. Ignorance is bliss and when you think everything is good you don't pay attention to the details.

Months or even years later it might just hit you and you'll see that the signs were always there.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Crap, there are not "always" signs.

She was only in it for 6 weeks it`s quite possible there were no signs.

Some people are cunning and sly and experienced with infidelity.

I`m pretty sure I could carry out an affair unnoticed for a lengthy time relying on nothing more than the knowledge culled from these forums.
If I were so inclined.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hubby and other people noticed that I always seemed distracted when I had EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Maybe your relationship had become so dysfunctional for so long that you became accustomed to things that would have raised red flags for most couples?. 

Hard to see 'sore thumbs' when they hide amongst all the sore thumbs you became used too.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm sorry this has happened to you. but I think I recall reading some pretty twisted up stuff you guys have lived through the last 10+ years.

You have to step back a little bit here, this is so far from healthy and has been for so long that your perception of reality is surely tilted a bit. What you've been through would be tough on anyone, Mentally and emotionally. 

Don't worry about missing signs. Worry about healing you a bit. Some perspective might do you a lot of good. Talk to someone, find a professional to sit down with and really try get adjusted. It's gonna be alright, just focus on you.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Because some people hide it well........my brother in law hid it for 7 years. He has lived a double life for a long time and it was pure luck he was caught. Some people are able to keep their other life in the dark best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Definitely do the 180. Do it, I urge u. 1. It will make her stop in her tracks and think. Even if it makes no difference to her feelings for you or your relationship with her, it will make her think. 2. It will empower you and make you feel much better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

One infidelity stat I read said only one out of five affairs are ever discovered. That doesn't mean there weren't any signs but that if there were they were missed.


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