# Please help me, my wife asked for time apart, i am completely lost.....



## lovemywife2014

Hi everyone, I am new here and have a major issue I need advice on.

Quick background, im 33, my wife is 35, we met when I was 20 and got married a year later. We have been married for 14 years going on 15, we have 3 kids together ( 10, 6 & 2 ) and to sum it all up, I am extremely happy with my life and love my family with everything I have. 

My wife is an amazing person, she is very independent and that was one of the things that really attracted me to her when we met, she is very well spoken, doesn't cuss or use slang, has a lot of respect for herself and others, and extremely social. Anyone she comes in contact with would consider her a very good listener and talker, she's just all around an amazing person.

When our first one was born, we decided that she would stay with the baby and quit her job, she has been "at home" for the past 11 years now, and hasn't really had work outside of the home which I am totally OK with, but now I know that she wasn't really OK with it.

Throughout the years she has felt that she always had to come to me for "permission" to purchase anything costly, not groceries, clothing for her and kids, hair salon for herself, but major things such as a pool, furniture etc... basically anything over 3000 dollars. 
I have always been very conservative and don't like to spend money, and always tell her " let's wait" or " not now"
Years of doing that has caused resentment in her towards me, and she feels that her dreams are never met.

I tell my wife I love her daily, at least a couple times a day, but she never does it unless I say it first. I asked her about that and she said the resentment she has built up through the years makes it hard for her to say it first.

A couple months ago we had a fight, and she told me she was done. She has never said that in the 15 years that we have known each other, this is not something that she does once every few months, so needless to say im extremely lost. 
I begged her to give us another chance, to allow me to show her what she really means to me not just by words, but by my actions.

She said she needs some time to find herself, to come to a conclusion. So I have been sleeping at a friend's house for 1 month, this is the first time in 15 years that I have been outside of the house. She said that she has lost feelings for me because of all the resentment, her exact words, I love you but I am not in love with you because of all the times I have felt like a single, married woman.


I am completely lost, I think of her every day, I am so regretful for having my nose in work 6 days a week and not "see" her needs. Her needs are not just financial success, and I know that, but I wasn't showing it.

I never really had a "STOP" sign from her showing her true emotions, she basically just kept it inside and blew up a couple months ago. I completely understand her position, and how hard it has to be for her to come to a point like this, because she is the complete opposite of doing something like this.

As far as infidelity, there has been 0 issues from my part, and she has never done anything either. No physical abuse towards the kids or her, and nothing on me from her.

I can't stay away, I want to see her all the time and talk, but every time I do I keep pushing her away, WHAT CAN I DO??? I am so confused, hurt and periodically feel anger that quickly turns to sadness.

Please any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated. I need to know what to do in order to win her heart back again. Do I just stay away and give her time, do I try to pursue her more even though it keeps pushing her away? WHAT DO I DO???


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## karole

First, have you checked to see if your wife has a boyfriend?


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## PBear

Has the idea of counseling come up?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks

What were your reasons for saying "let's wait" or "not now"?


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## GusPolinski

I wouldn't be so quick to rule out an affair on your wife's part. More often than not, the "I love you, _but I'm not *in love* w/ you_" speech means exactly that.

That, in addition to the request for "space", time apart, etc... it's very likely that your wife has become involved w/ someone else.


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## lovemywife2014

The thought of someone else in her life has crossed my mind, honestly anything is crossing my mind right now because of this horrible situation im in.

But the short answer is no, she does not have or had a boyfriend or affair. Not only does she not have time for that being with 3 kids daily, her integrity has never caused me to think she would do something like that. This is something only I would know, i know the "norm" would call for an affair in a situation like this however, her family is very close with her and the thought of anything like that would be detrimental to her relationship with her siblings and parents. Besides all of that, I truly know my wife and if someone told me she is on heroin and has a meth lab in the woods, it would be more believable than her having an affair. And the drugs is obviously something totally out of this world if you knew who she was, so the affair is not even in the universe.

She is not ready for counseling, i am seeing a councilor but she said that she doesn't want to waste money for someone to tell her she's screwed up. I don't agree with her thinking that way, but i am in a position that if i try to coerce her in to doing something she will blow up at me. 

She is very volatile right now and the only thing that seems to help is the space im giving her. I haven't seen any results, but at least she doesn't get upset and cry and bring up all the past hurt that i have caused.

As far as me saying "lets wait" or "not now", she considers it me being too controlling, and i have had a lot of alone time to think for the past month, its true, i was too controlling, but it was fueled by my childhood being poor financially with my parents, and i never wanted that for my wife and kids so i kept saying " lets wait" to any purchases that needed to be done for the home, which in return caused resentment in her.


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## GusPolinski

How much hurt can you have possibly caused by asking that your wife come to you in order to get your thoughts on spending anything over 3000 dollars?

Do you realize how completely ridiculous that sounds?


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## PBear

It seems fair enough to give her space for awhile. But fairly soon, you're going to start having to make some changes. Either you BOTH want to fix things, or it's time to grind things up in a divorce. In the meantime, keep working on yourself. 

She does realize that if she choses to not work on the marriage, she's likely going to have to get a job and split custody with you, right? Sometimes reality can knock some sense into people. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Chick dig confident men.
Begging is so unattractive, so stop.
Just let her go. Often people want what they can't have, so by distancing your self you might get her to start thinking what she is about to lose.

That's the trick, making her second guess her choices when she sees you moving on.

All you have done is reinforce the fact that you aren't going any were no matter how she treats you and man that is a sure way to lose what ever respect she has for.

So ya, just let her go...its the only way to get her to start thinking about the new reality of you being gone.

Look up the 180 it will help you, it will give you the strength that you will need in this trying time.

At the end of the day you can't force someone to love you but you can raise your attraction level by being confident enough to just let her go. A plan that shows your wife that some one else might replace *her* and not the other way around.


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## toonaive

First off, move back into your house. Do not leave it again. Marital problems need to be solved together, not apart. Be very wary of the possibility of an affair. With you out of the house, she is testing the waters on how her life would be without you around.


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## GusPolinski

toonaive said:


> First off, move back into your house. Do not leave it again. Marital problems need to be solved together, not apart. Be very wary of the possibility of an affair. With you out of the house, she is testing the waters on how her life would be without you around.


Agreed.


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## bigbearsfan

lovemywife2014 said:


> Please any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated. I need to know what to do in order to win her heart back again. Do I just stay away and give her time, do I try to pursue her more even though it keeps pushing her away? WHAT DO I DO???


First thing you do is move back into your house ASAP. If she is cheating you, you are just making it easier for her to do it. You don't tell her your moving back, you just do it. 
Your going to tell by her reaction once you move back in what is really going on.
If she wants to leave than so be it. Then she moves out on her own, which means you don't pay for it, she pays her own way and you and the kids can stay in the home.
I would move back home and see how she responds and play dumb and say you missed your family and bed get ready to do some snooping. Keep your mouth shut and don't confront without any hard proof.


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## karole

Go read some of the threads in the Coping With Infidelity section. There are multiple threads where the husband says that his wife is a SAHM and doesn't have time for an affair. You will be surprised because most of the time they are involved in an affair. Does she spend a lot of time on the computer? Is she protective of her phone? Do you have access to your phone bill? Check to see if there are a lot of calls to a specific number. At least check to rule out an affair.


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## lovemywife2014

GusPolinski, it is more then just the spending factor. Short answer, im a Jerk, I don't help around the house, she does all the heavy lifting, she mowed when she was 7 months pregnant ( I KNOW IM A JERK ) she takes the kids to practice, im late sometimes because im at the gym, hence her feeling alone. Multiply that by 7-8 years, you come to a breaking point. Im not trying to protect her by saying shes not unfaithful, but if i had an ounce of doubt about that i would be the first to ask you guys for advice on how to "catch" her in the act.

the guy: excellent advice, i really appreciate it, i have read that somewhere else too and it seems to make sense. The only draw back is the "reverse psychology" usually works on our kids, shes a grown woman and very intelligent, her mind wouldn't work like our kids however, the confidence level in myself would possibly help her see things different? It's worth a try.

karole: no computer time, and i have checked the phone bill and email, absolutely nothing that caused me to be suspicious about anything. No phone calls or texts from any number i am not familiar with, just her friends and family.

As far as me moving back in, she was the one wanting to move out with the kids, i told her it would be easier if 1 person ( me ) would move rather than 4 people ( her and the kids ).

I totally do not mean this as any disrespect, but i would really like to get other advice rather than try to catch her in something that i wholeheartedly do not think she has ever participated in. Call me blind or naive, but this is a woman that i have been with for 15 years and i truly know that infidelity is something extremely bad in her eyes and her whole family. 

Seems the only thing that's helping right now is giving her time, shes with the kids from 8 am until bed time and constantly around them, she doesn't go out on weekends etc,,, she is trying to "find herself" is what she told me.

Thanks for all the advice, keep them coming.


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## the guy

What I find curious is you haven't done a thing to validate her with regards to eliminating a third person in the marriage....all you have told us is nothing but asumtions.

A quick look at phone records might show you that in fact a third person has infected the marriage....and if that is the case....well then all the more reason to just let her go.....

Please note, I mention third person ...it may not be a new lover but any one that is toxic to the marriage. you need to find out who might be toxic to this marriage and make a game plan.


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## bigbearsfan

lovemywife2014 said:


> The thought of someone else in her life has crossed my mind, honestly anything is crossing my mind right now because of this horrible situation im in.
> 
> But the short answer is no, she does not have or had a boyfriend or affair. Not only does she not have time for that being with 3 kids daily, her integrity has never caused me to think she would do something like that. This is something only I would know, i know the "norm" would call for an affair in a situation like this however, her family is very close with her and the thought of anything like that would be detrimental to her relationship with her siblings and parents. Besides all of that, I truly know my wife and if someone told me she is on heroin and has a meth lab in the woods, it would be more believable than her having an affair. And the drugs is obviously something totally out of this world if you knew who she was, so the affair is not even in the universe.
> 
> She is not ready for counseling, i am seeing a councilor but she said that she doesn't want to waste money for someone to tell her she's screwed up. I don't agree with her thinking that way, but i am in a position that if i try to coerce her in to doing something she will blow up at me.
> 
> She is very volatile right now and the only thing that seems to help is the space im giving her. I haven't seen any results, but at least she doesn't get upset and cry and bring up all the past hurt that i have caused.
> 
> As far as me saying "lets wait" or "not now", she considers it me being too controlling, and i have had a lot of alone time to think for the past month, its true, i was too controlling, but it was fueled by my childhood being poor financially with my parents, and i never wanted that for my wife and kids so i kept saying " lets wait" to any purchases that needed to be done for the home, which in return caused resentment in her.


Well Mr. Beta, best get ready to put on your big boy pants and time to alpha up. You are about to have your world rock thinking she does not have time to cheat. 
Read all the other stories here where guys come here thinking the same thing and by them just doing a little bit of snooping and wham, the truth comes out.


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## cuchulain36

It's very common for women in affairs to point out a ton of petty crap you do to justify their actions and make you start apologizing and feeling guilty. By really looking at your relationship you'll find plenty of times she did crap that was unreasonable or caused you grief too.

Your wife doesn't want "space" because you ask her to talk to you before purchasing a $3000 pool, she wants "space" to make room for her boyfriend.

I would bet my next paycheck your wife is cheating, get busy and start looking, you will find the evidence, they can never hide it very well, especially on their first affair, the evidence is left everywhere.


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## PBear

Listen to the advise here, then chose what to act on. It's your life. 

Like I said... My recommendation is to give her space for a bit longer. Work on yourself. Demonstrate through actions that you're making changes for your sake. But at some point in the relatively near future, a decision needs to be made on the temporary separation. Either she's in 100% to try to fix things, or she's out. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

lovemywife2014 said:


> GusPolinski, it is more then just the spending factor. Short answer, im a Jerk, I don't help around the house, she does all the heavy lifting, *she mowed when she was 7 months pregnant ( I KNOW IM A JERK )* she takes the kids to practice, im late sometimes because im at the gym, hence her feeling alone. Multiply that by 7-8 years, you come to a breaking point.


Oh wow. You're right... you've been kind of a jerk. That doesn't mean that she isn't cheating, though.



lovemywife2014 said:


> Im not trying to protect her by saying shes not unfaithful, but if i had an ounce of doubt about that i would be the first to ask you guys for advice on how to "catch" her in the act.


Well, when you're ready...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Also, what kind of phone does she use? If it's an iPhone of any flavor, read this as well...



GusPolinski said:


> Wondershare Dr. Fone
> 
> The above link is for the Mac version of Wondershare's Dr. Fone app. There is a Windows version available as well.
> 
> You can use the app in one of three ways...
> 
> 1. Start the app on your Mac or PC and connect the iPhone in order to export texts (SMS/iMessage, and even some 3rd party apps), pics, recent phone calls, voicemails, contacts, etc directly from the phone.
> 
> 2. Start the app and use it to export the same data from one or more locally-stored iTunes backups of the phone.
> 
> 3. Start the app and log into iCloud using the Apple iTunes user ID (this will be an e-mail address) and password that your wife uses w/ her phone. If she has iCloud backups enabled on her phone, you'll be able to use the app to download several of the most recent backups for her phone, and then export the data mentioned above from them.
> 
> The app will allow you to export any of the above data that hasn't been deleted, _as well as *at least some of* what has been recently deleted_. If you don't find anything conclusive on the first pass, you can always begin exporting once or twice a day.
> 
> Make sure that you save and back up your exports! Use a USB memory stick or external hard drive (something that you can hide easily) to store them and, once you feel that you have enough evidence, consider leaving it in a safe deposit box. Additionally, store everything offsite in at least a couple of different "Cloud" locations (Carbonite, Dropbox, Google Drive, SugarSync, etc). When doing this, make sure that you're simply uploading the data instead of syncing it from your local Mac or PC; if you're simply syncing, and your wife finds and deletes the data locally, you'll lose your Cloud-based backups.





lovemywife2014 said:


> I totally do not mean this as any disrespect, but i would really like to get other advice rather than try to catch her in something that i wholeheartedly do not think she has ever participated in. Call me blind or naive, but this is a woman that i have been with for 15 years and *i truly know that infidelity is something extremely bad in her eyes and her whole family.*


And yet that never seems to keep anyone from committing adultery.



lovemywife2014 said:


> Seems the only thing that's helping right now is giving her time, shes with the kids from 8 am until bed time and constantly around them, she doesn't go out on weekends etc,,, she is trying to "find herself" is what she told me.


THEN GO HOME AND *HELP* HER!!! Assuming that she isn't cheating, she's given you a huge "sh*t test" (read up on this), and you're failing it miserably.


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## Cubby

Human behavior is so predictable. The befuddled spouse who's kicking himself for his failure as a husband, who just knows his wife would never cheat or doesn't have the time. 

After all, in a heartfelt way, she assured him that she could never do that. Plus she hates cheaters! 

And then there's that astonishing, kick-in-the-nuts moment when he realizes, that his special wife is actually cheating! 

This is the script and it rarely changes.


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## lovemywife2014

GusPolinksi: you make some very valid points, but i still do not believe this is whats going on. I went through the electronic bill 18 months back, it took me a while but i couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. Our friends that have all known us for 10+ years completely think the opposite as well, they tell me there is no way she would have an affair because that's not who she is.


Here is a text message she sent me a couple weeks ago, maybe this will shed some light on what she is going through in her heart.


I'm bawling my eyes out. And I do that about 5-6 times a day. This routine reminds me so much of what my life is. For what? My fault I couldn't say no. It is just so painful I'm always running, stopping, changing plans, no time no time no time. When I do a hobby or an interest something else goes majorly undone. Then anxiety sets in because I have to do it ALL. And I'm a stay at home mom well, I have worked so hard over the years to no means. I am a loser. No career. No pride in anything other than my children. I agreed to be this. It's my fault. Although I tried to find ways to let my creativeness show, to have something to grasp onto that didn't make me just the bottle washer. Hours and hours and days and days of dreaming. Ideas being shot down. Behind those ideas were dreams and dreams are investments. And they got shot down. Why didn't I deserve a chance? Just a mature adult chance to express myself and not have to beg just because I didn't earn a paycheck? Why no vacations with the kids? Why did you always decide the timing and come up with my same dream years after I introduced them and they were unnecessary then but bc you came about in your time it was good. Do you know how it feels? To have wanted a dream home bc that's my lot in life I am ALWAYS at HOME! And after so many hours of looking and hoping and dreaming I get what YOU wanted and now I get to be Mary poppins again and get taken advantage of because I am retarded? Why wasn't anything I wanted important? What is so wrong with me? Why I am complimented on who I am and how I am and then never get the prize? Why am I so goddamn easy to take advantage of? Why at 35 years old and doing all that I can do am I sitting in my garage sobbing about my wasted sense of self worth instead of earning money? Or or..feeling confident that I care for my children and my husband and just being happy. Just happy. It's because no matter which road I tried to take u were a roadblock bc I couldn't I knew I could not dare to ever really accomplish what was on my mind nor did I have the time I always have been so swallowed up in what a wife and a husband does at home. And I kept chugging because that had to become my identity to keep myself going every day. 11 years now of constant caring for other human beings. No going to work and getting that break yes break and doing what grown ups do. The time I worked half of that time was hearing every day if I put my two weeks notice in to help YOU. Not us. YOU. When you weren't comfortable it showed. You had no trouble voicing it or showing it. And I conformed. I HATED that my husband felt no guilt at all for being gone long hours at work, then come home and drink his protein shake then take off to teh gym. And all I wanted is conversation. Talk about what was next. Something I was interested in. Real conversation. Taken advantage of by most people who see my weaknesses. I couldn't even get you out of the car to look at a boat with me. Years and years of saying ok...I am lacking. My husband said from his own mouth he doesn't like to make plans. So, I will go ahead and make them. I will decorate. I'm not stupid right? I balance checkbook I know what we have. I can't have a boat. A pergola is out of the question. Paint the house a certain way? Get the hell out of town!! No way. You take yourself to Walmart and get u a three legged screw together table to make due. It's good enough for you you loser. But how much does his gym membership and protein drinks cost ..stop thinking like that!! You don't work that has to be the reason you don't deserve a table. Just fish that one out of your moms garage and have it. It's free. And then it sits in someone else's garage forever bc they won't finish it and then it looks like ****. There you go. All better. Not a dinning room table that is new and you don't deserve. But there you go. And that was with almost EVERYTHING. No wonder no wonder I am a mess and and a loser and just want to get on a plane and GO. I don't even have the balls to start something of my own or get a job now because I don't know how to have confidence anymore and know that I can do it. I don't know who I am unless I am bending over and working to make someone else comfortable and standing by watching you achieve and holding my hand out like a toddler and asking "can I have some too?" And then being told "no!" I am ruined. Absolutely ruined. I am good for ****. Second best. Or first worse. Told I'm great but never get the prize. But make sure I am clapping and yelling the loudest when others get theirs. What a waste of time. A waste of time. Feeling like the goddamn loneliest person in the world and fighting back tears at that parade early spring bc there I was ALONE again handling 3 one just turned two and breathing like a cow bc I had to beat feet to get them where they needed to be and then found a place on the street to watch and looked around and realized I was the single mom there. I obviously am worth nothing. Nothing. clean a house...landscape....what good is it. Crying, feeling lonely, begging for your husband to "arrive" and be a team, thinking I can do something then backing down for someone else has taught me a lot. It has shown me exactly what I need to know I am and has woken me up. I am nothing. 


Ok do you guys see now why im a jerk? Do you see why she feels the way she does? I have obviously woken up and want to make this right, but cant keep pushing her because shes asking for some time.....thoughts?


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## cuchulain36

Cubby said:


> Human behavior is so predictable. The befuddled spouse who's kicking himself for his failure as a husband, who just knows his wife would never cheat or doesn't have the time.
> 
> After all, in a heartfelt way, she assured him that she could never do that. Plus she hates cheaters!
> 
> And then there's that astonishing, kick-in-the-nuts moment when he realizes, that his special wife is actually cheating!
> 
> This is the script and it rarely changes.


Yeah reading these stories transports me right back 13 years ago when I foolishly thought my wife could never cheat and she's just distant because I'm not cooking enough dinners, or I left the toilet seat up.

It's always hard to read but always ends the same way. I wish these guys, especially the young ones with no kids would just tell her to pound sand and they deserve better than this.

It's so frustrating to read over and over, then the guys who "give space" and leave the marital home so she can effectively bang her boyfriend in their bed all day. it's maddening really... I feel very badly for them.


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## cuchulain36

lovemywife2014 said:


> Ok do you guys see now why im a jerk? Do you see why she feels the way she does? I have obviously woken up and want to make this right, but cant keep pushing her because shes asking for some time.....thoughts?


My thoughts are she's whining like an 8 year old about nonsense. If she didn't want to be a SAHM did she voice this? My wife did and I said go back to school, we'll make due. I mean she's complaining about furnishings for Christ's sake. Who cares you go to the gym? Does she have any hobbies? Is that your fault if she doesn't? 

My other thought is she is definitely involved with someone else, as right now she doesn't seem worried about support with you out of the picture, and this was from a very insecure woman. Someone is giving her a shot of confidence to tell you to get lost.

And that was a TXT message? hopefully you have unlimited texting.


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## naiveonedave

I agree with C36. She should be deathly afraid of negatvie financial implications. 

She is also whining. You need to shoot down her whining. That is a sh!t test and you are failing miserably at it. She is looking for you to be strong, not a wimp.


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## bigbearsfan

cuchulain36 said:


> My thoughts are she's whining like an 8 year old about nonsense. If she didn't want to be a SAHM did she voice this? My wife did and I said go back to school, we'll make due. I mean she's complaining about furnishings for Christ's sake. Who cares you go to the gym? Does she have any hobbies? Is that your fault if she doesn't?
> 
> My other thought is she is definitely involved with someone else, as right now she doesn't seem worried about support with you out of the picture, and this was from a very insecure woman. Someone is giving her a shot of confidence to tell you to get lost.
> 
> And that was a TXT message? hopefully you have unlimited texting.



I agree, but it also sounds like she is giving the OP a heads up on why she is cheating or going too. She is bored and blaming the OP for her choices and lack of self motivation to do anything about it until now.


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## GusPolinski

lovemywife2014 said:


> GusPolinksi: you make some very valid points, but i still do not believe this is whats going on. I went through the electronic bill 18 months back, it took me a while but i couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. Our friends that have all known us for 10+ years completely think the opposite as well, they tell me there is no way she would have an affair because that's not who she is.
> 
> Here is a text message she sent me a couple weeks ago, maybe this will shed some light on what she is going through in her heart.
> 
> MASSIVE WALL OF TEXT!!!
> 
> Ok do you guys see now why im a jerk? Do you see why she feels the way she does? I have obviously woken up and want to make this right, but cant keep pushing her because shes asking for some time.....thoughts?


OK, so let's assume that you're correct, and that she's not cheating. Time apart from her husband and the father of her children is the LAST thing that she needs; what she needs is time apart from your admittedly sh*tty behavior.

Go home. Help her out around the house. Help her w/ the kids. SHOW her that you love her instead of just saying it.

Be a better husband, better father, and a better man.

Let me ask you this... as of now, how much of your time are you spending at home w/ your wife and kids?


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## lovemywife2014

GusPolinski said:


> OK, so let's assume that you're correct, and that she's not cheating. Time apart from her husband and the father of her children is the LAST thing that she needs; what she needs is time apart from your admittedly sh*tty behavior.
> 
> Go home. Help her out around the house. Help her w/ the kids. SHOW her that you love her instead of just saying it.
> 
> Be a better husband, better father, and a better man.
> 
> Let me ask you this... as of now, how much of your time are you spending at home w/ your wife and kids?


As of right now, no time because she doesn't want me there. She lets me come get the kids on the weekends and honestly anytime i want however, every time i do im there in front of her and it just seems like there wont be a change if she keeps seeing me often. 

But when i AM home, im always there, 7 days a week, i don't go hang out with buddies after work or go to a bar on weekends with friends, its always with the family.

I understand how all of this could lead to "shes cheating", trust me i have done a lot of reading and it seems like that is the 1st thing that people say. But sometimes, just sometimes, that's not the case. I am very suspicious in a lot of things, and i would be the first to think that about my wife, but i don't. She truly has lost herself and i believe she needs time, i don't want to open a can of worms going down the path of buying recorders and tapping her cell phone etc only to find nothing, and possibly screw things up even more if she finds out.

I want to be home believe me, i want to tuck the kids in every night and spend time with my wife, i truly love her and im in love with her, but if i keep pushing it just causes her to go back 2 steps.

She knows i have "woken up" and that im changed, i help around the house when im there to see the kids, she even told me she doesn't know who i am because im doing things i never did before, and she was crying asking me "why could you not have done these things before?" and it was a wholehearted weeping, not fake, shes not a fake person, she is an amazing person but this situation has just got her so messed up that i dont know what to do or how to act. I need to man up and be confident, stay back and let her make a decision.

The text message she sent me, there has been a lot of those in the past 6 months, several emails she sent saying she feels like shes just a "body" to do what other people want done to help them with their success, meanwhile she doesn't get anywhere.


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## Blondilocks

Your wife is certainly vulnerable to an affair in this state of mind. But, from that quoted text, it sounds more like a long walk off a short pier was looking pretty appealing to her.

She feels she has no value because whenever she proposed something - you shot her down. She began to feel like a drudge.

In short, your monetary concerns (except apparently when you felt like opening your wallet for your desires) have placed your marriage in poverty. She needs to feel that she is #1 in your heart and her contributions are valued. Give her time to decompress and maybe she'll be amenable to marriage counseling.

Did you really not ever feel bad about always saying no?


----------



## GusPolinski

Where are you staying now? Do you have a guest room at home that you could stay in? If not, sleep on the couch.

Either way, GO HOME.


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## lovemywife2014

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is certainly vulnerable to an affair in this state of mind. But, from that quoted text, it sounds more like a long walk off a short pier was looking pretty appealing to her.
> 
> She feels she has no value because whenever she proposed something - you shot her down. She began to feel like a drudge.
> 
> In short, your monetary concerns (except apparently when you felt like opening your wallet for your desires) have placed your marriage in poverty. She needs to feel that she is #1 in your heart and her contributions are valued. Give her time to decompress and maybe she'll be amenable to marriage counseling.
> 
> Did you really not ever feel bad about always saying no?


I did feel bad, but i didnt trust the outcome to be good, now that i look back at it, it was a very foolish fear that i had, we could do it financially without going broke, so whats the big deal? There was no big deal, it was just my childish fear of wanting to put back for a "rainy day", well, the rainy day is now my marriage. I totally agree with your point of view, this is what i have been told by my pastor and the councilor i am seeing, she is completely lost and feels like a drudge.



GusPolinski said:


> Where are you staying now? Do you have a guest room at home that you could stay in? If not, sleep on the couch.
> 
> Either way, GO HOME.


Im staying with a family member, we have extra rooms in the house but with me being there its causing tension. She is very nice and talkative with me when i come to see the kids, we talk like nothing has happened, she shows me a lot of respect, but there's a huge elephant in the room and we both know it. 

Me being there will cause her to not be able to have that "alone" time away from me and it will prolong her "working on herself". Trust me i want to be there more than anyone, but i also do not want temporary uncomfort to cause a life without her. 

If this is something that will take a couple months of paint for me to endure, and be able to get with my wife and work things out, then the pain is worth it. I just have to remind myself that daily, because everyday is hard and confusing.


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## tacoma

I think it's entirely possible she's not cheating but she is or will be looking fir validation from someone soon.

You need to force her hand, you've been out for a month.
Go home, move into a spare room or sleep on the couch.

Start being the husband she's been needing even against her own wishes.

I say this because if she isn't cheating then you are at the "Too little too late" point and your only chance is to consistently show her what she needs to see.
You'll never do this living elsewhere.

You moving back may also push her to end the marriage earlier which isn't so bad either considering that's where it's heading anyway.

Point is you need to do something and that's the only option you have.


----------



## tacoma

lovemywife2014 said:


> If this is something that will take a couple months of paint for me to endure, and be able to get with my wife and work things out, then the pain is worth it. I just have to remind myself that daily, because everyday is hard and confusing.


If you let this go on for months you'll have no wife to go home to.

You'll have more insurmountable problems than your wife's self-esteem


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## lovemywife2014

tacoma said:


> I think it's entirely possible she's not cheating but she is or will be looking fir validation from someone soon.
> 
> You need to force her hand, you've been out for a month.
> Go home, move into a spare room or sleep on the couch.
> 
> Start being the husband she's been needing even against her own wishes.
> 
> I say this because if she isn't cheating then you are at the "Too little too late" point and your only chance is to consistently show her what she needs to see.
> You'll never do this living elsewhere.
> 
> You moving back may also push her to end the marriage earlier which isn't so bad either considering that's where it's heading anyway.
> 
> Point is you need to do something and that's the only option you have.


Very good point. I know that it will push her if i move back, but i dont think it will push her to end it, she has never quit on anything since we have been married let alone our marriage. But i think it will force her hand, and be against her will because she has repeatedly told me that im not giving her any time. 

Reason being is the first 2 weeks i called and texted her, went to the house and we talked for a couple hours at a time about how sorry i was about the hurt i had caused her, meantime shes totally crushed and weeping telling me all the hurt in the past etc, and that she needs time, but the first 2 weeks i didn't give her the time she needed. Now for the last 2 weeks i haven't done anything, and its hard for me, but hopefully working for her.

I might give this another week and then move back in, against her will, hate to do it though.


----------



## PBear

What is she doing to "find herself", though?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz

lovemywife2014 said:


> The thought of someone else in her life has crossed my mind, honestly anything is crossing my mind right now because of this horrible situation im in.
> 
> *But the short answer is no, she does not have or had a boyfriend or affair. Not only does she not have time for that being with 3 kids daily, her integrity has never caused me to think she would do something like that. *This is something only I would know, i know the "norm" would call for an affair in a situation like this however, her family is very close with her and the thought of anything like that would be detrimental to her relationship with her siblings and parents.


Honestly, based on my own experience and that of countless others, you are making an incredibly naive mistake in what you believe about your wife.

Her behavior screams of outside interests and lack of interest in you.

Is she cheating? I can't know that for sure, but SOMETHING is going on and your presumption of innocence is misguided.

You need to move back home and protect your marriage and your kids.

Now is not the time for crying like a child. Act!


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## Idyit

Not gonna debate if your wife is cheating or not. ((but I would listen to the very experienced advice you're getting))

Here's an idea. At least pull your head out of your A$$ and listen to what she is telling you. Go wash the car, mow the grass, fix the toilet, offer to pick up / drop off the kids. Make a list and do the stuff around the house that you've neglected for a long time. And do it when she's not there. It's action... 

By the way the Love Languages book might be eye opening.

Better yet think of something she's been wanting to spend money on...got it? Do it. Your finances are screwed anyway if this thing heads to divorce. ...let your financial mind ruminate on the fact that only half that money is yours in the eyes of the court anyway.

I don't know. It might work. If she is having an affair you're completely fooked.

~ Passio


----------



## lifeistooshort

I have to laugh at the fact that 90% of comments from men here simply involve cheating. And to suggest she's whining is ignorance at it's finest, geez if that's what you guys think it's no wonder you all have had marriage problems.

This marriage has been about OP. Period. He basically got all that he wanted while she was his employee and live in servant, not his wife and partner. Nothing important to her is a priority, he works, runs to the gym, while she cuts the damn grass. I bet he had time for her when he wanted sex. Does his wife get gym time? I bet not. And why should she, she's just an employee.

I suppose cheating is possible, but that text is not indicative of the mindset of someone that's cheating. It's someone that basically gave up her life for the family and was made last priority. Now she's realizing she's 35 and what has her life become? I recognize this because that used to be me. Guess what? I divorced my ex.

The good thing is that OP seems to get this. It would probably be prudent to do a little checking just to make sure there's nobody else, but after that why don't you ask her what she wants right now? It may be too late because people show you who they are when they think you aren't looking or that they're not going anywhere. Now that you're going to lose something you care, but it doesn't hold as much weight with her. From her perspective the fact that it had to come to this suggests she's not that important.

And she is most certainly not whining.

But the fact that she's bawling and unloading could mean she still cares.

And she needs to get a job and her own life. Staying home didn't work for her. Many men operate under the assumption that staying home is the ultimate dream of most women but that's not true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz

lifeistooshort said:


> This marriage has been about OP. Period. He basically got all that he wanted while she was his employee and live in servant, not his wife and partner. Nothing important to her is a priority, he works, runs to the gym, while she cuts the damn grass. I bet he had time for her when he wanted sex. Does his wife get gym time? I bet not. And why should she, she's just an employee.
> 
> I suppose cheating is possible, but that text is not indicative of the mindset of someone that's cheating. It's someone that basically gave up her life for the family and was made last priority. Now she's realizing she's 35 and what has her life become? I recognize this because that used to be me. Guess what? I divorced my ex.


I really don't get the same impression as yourself. Having him move out means a lot more than she has to find herself. The stats bear out that there is already LIKELY another interest.

Of course it is not 100% surety.

If she gave up all of her personal interests, that is on her. 

Lots of people consult each other before spending a lot of money. if she never expressed wanting a gym membership or some other such thing, why is he bad for doing those things?

Did he forbid her from doing so?

I didn't see any information that would make us believe that.


----------



## lovemywife2014

lifeistooshort said:


> I have to laugh at the fact that 90% of comments from men here simply involve cheating. And to suggest she's whining is ignorance at it's finest, geez if that's what you guys think it's no wonder you all have had marriage problems.
> 
> This marriage has been about OP. Period. He basically got all that he wanted while she was his employee and live in servant, not his wife and partner. Nothing important to her is a priority, he works, runs to the gym, while she cuts the damn grass. I bet he had time for her when he wanted sex. Does his wife get gym time? I bet not. And why should she, she's just an employee.
> 
> I suppose cheating is possible, but that text is not indicative of the mindset of someone that's cheating. It's someone that basically gave up her life for the family and was made last priority. Now she's realizing she's 35 and what has her life become? I recognize this because that used to be me. Guess what? I divorced my ex.
> 
> The good thing is that OP seems to get this. It would probably be prudent to do a little checking just to make sure there's nobody else, but after that why don't you ask her what she wants right now? It may be too late because people show you who they are when they think you aren't looking or that they're not going anywhere. Now that you're going to lose something you care, but it doesn't hold as much weight with her. From her perspective the fact that it had to come to this suggests she's not that important.
> 
> And she is most certainly not whining.
> 
> But the fact that she's bawling and unloading could mean she still cares.
> 
> And she needs to get a job and her own life. Staying home didn't work for her. Many men operate under the assumption that staying home is the ultimate dream of most women but that's not true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was hoping a lady would chime in on this, and i thank you for that. 

Everything you are saying is exactly what she has been telling me in the last couple months. Unfortunately my head has been up my ass, going to work and providing isn't the only thing to keep the home life happy. Through out the years i have always been extremely in love with my wife, and do spontaneous things for her and only her, but her "love language" is action while my "love language" is words. 

I would love for her to voice her love for me by telling me, she feels loved when i empty the trash can, talk with her about a goal that she has and come to a common ground rather than saying "lets wait".

I get it, im an A hole and i have learned my lesson ( if you can call it a lesson). 

She is telling me to give her time so she can unwind, clean her slate and come to a conclusion so we can move forward. Right now her mind is extremely clogged, kids pulling her left and right during the day and she only has a couple hours to work on herself at night when the kids are asleep, then in the morning its back to being pulled left and right. Even more so now that im not home, the whole brunt of the home and kids is on her shoulders, meantime she is expected to make a decision about our marriage, so i can only imagine the pressure on her being extremely hard. 

With that said, i want to give her time but it is extremely hard, but i need to give her this time that she asked for in order to show her that i respect her request. That is why moving in without her blessing seems to be the wrong thing to do.

And in the event that there is another person, a turd wont stay under water forever, it will eventually float. If thats the case, it is something i can not control, i will move forward from that point, but to go in to this thinking i will catch her in the act, or find evidence, will only cloud my own mind in to thinking something about her that I have never once in 15 years had a reason to think about. Same goes with her, she has complete trust for me, i am out of state for work once a week from 4 am and get home at 7pm, i go to the gym and there are plenty of women there, i could easily have an affair without anyone knowing, but she has complete trust in me because i have never given her a reason to make her mind wander. 

If i cant have trust in her, it will only ruin me personally and my mind will be messed up, if she IS having an affair, time will show it no matter what, we live in a very small town and a year from now if we are separated, whoever she is with will be someone i know, and i can find out when this all started. 

If you guys read her text that i posted earlier, its a cry for help, someone that has given everything she has for other people with nothing in return, she reached a boiling point and is now trying to simmer down, gather herself, stand up on her feet and see what she wants to do with our marriage.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

GusPolinski said:


> How much hurt can you have possibly caused by asking that your wife come to you in order to get your thoughts on spending anything over 3000 dollars?
> 
> Do you realize how completely ridiculous that sounds?


It sounds like a justification to give credence to the REAL reason his wife doesn't want him any longer.

OP

1st...GET BACK IN YOUR HOUSE. Why should you not see your kids everyday because your wife "wants space". If she really needs to figure things out....show her the door and tell her to go figure things out. 

2nd...Wait, you wanted to approve any major purchases? You do realize that 99% (not the 1%....get the idea) of married people DO THE SAME THING. Now, maybe you are holding the final decision, but that's an easy solution. 

3rd...Your wife is following the cheater script...to the letter. Be very aware and get ready to be strong. Don't pander to her or think you can "win" her back with niceness. You can't. Just like when your child want's an ice cream cone before dinner...do you pander or win them over with "niceness". Doesn't work.


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## COfan

Sounds like she needs time, friend. It also sounds like you two may want to seriously consider individual counseling. It's not enough to just be motivated to change because of your emotional state. Maybe you need to find out _why _ you were treating your wife and family this way. And what you can do to change long term. Also, would your wife be willing to make a list of what would need to change in order for her to give you another chance? Just some of my thoughts after reading your post. I sure hope your marriage is restored and you find yourselves in a healthier place.


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## SadSamIAm

I think you should move back home AND give her space.

Go to work, but come home at a reasonable time. Make supper or help her. After supper tell her she needs to go out. Shopping, working out, etc. When she is out, do some chores around the house.

Having her sit at the house with three kids is not giving her space. She is away from you, but she doesn't have any freedom to explore for herself. Take over the house/kid duties at night so she has some time out.

When we had three kids at home, my wife would almost meet me at the door after work. She was out of the house to do whatever she wanted which usually meant going to the mall to look around and then get some groceries before coming home. She needed the break from the house/family. Can you imagine if you stayed at the office 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Sleep in a spare room so as to not pressure her with relationship stuff. Do the things that she has asked to show that you are a contributing parent/husband in the home.


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## tulsy

lovemywife2014 said:


> ....
> *I might give this another week and then move back in*, against her will, hate to do it though.


Why wait another week? How's that working for ya?

Move back in, like yesterday. Start helping out around the house.


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## changedbeliefs

This seems like a case of two people who have spent 15 years not taking care of themselves as individuals. OP: sounds like you thought the mere act of getting married and saying "I love you" was enough, that it "checked the boxes" and that was all it would take. You sound (with all due respect) completely needy and co-dependent on BEING married and having a wife, but had no idea what a true partnership/relationship involves. Your wife, OTOH, completely laid down and let life steamroll her into this SAHM role that she CLEARLY never wanted for herself. That part isn't your fault at all, there's (potentially) a very noble intention beneath a man supporting a SAHM role for his wife, and I don't think there's anything wrong with a husband playing somewhat of a more "traditional/old-fashioned" role (e.g., not doing as much housework) in that situation. It was HER job to think it through and decide if her personal goals and dreams would mesh with that. It was her job, as well, to evaluate long ago whether she was headed to this spot she is right now. If she shuts her mouth for 15 years, miserable in her life, even if your actions are the proximate cause, it's her fault for not saying so and letting it, whammo, hit a breaking point and blindside you.

I agree, don't get thrown out of the house YOU bought. Man up, and tell her to articulate her issues and have a conversation with you about what can be done, on both of your parts. You don't toss 15 years out the window unilaterally. However, if she completely stonewalls you at that notion, I'd kick her ass out. The person not willing to work at it ought to be the one who has to walk.


----------



## Entropy3000

lovemywife2014 said:


> GusPolinksi: you make some very valid points, but i still do not believe this is whats going on. I went through the electronic bill 18 months back, it took me a while but i couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. Our friends that have all known us for 10+ years completely think the opposite as well, they tell me there is no way she would have an affair because that's not who she is.
> 
> 
> Here is a text message she sent me a couple weeks ago, maybe this will shed some light on what she is going through in her heart.
> 
> 
> I'm bawling my eyes out. And I do that about 5-6 times a day. This routine reminds me so much of what my life is. For what? My fault I couldn't say no. It is just so painful I'm always running, stopping, changing plans, no time no time no time. When I do a hobby or an interest something else goes majorly undone. Then anxiety sets in because I have to do it ALL. And I'm a stay at home mom well, I have worked so hard over the years to no means. I am a loser. No career. No pride in anything other than my children. I agreed to be this. It's my fault. Although I tried to find ways to let my creativeness show, to have something to grasp onto that didn't make me just the bottle washer. Hours and hours and days and days of dreaming. Ideas being shot down. Behind those ideas were dreams and dreams are investments. And they got shot down. Why didn't I deserve a chance? Just a mature adult chance to express myself and not have to beg just because I didn't earn a paycheck? Why no vacations with the kids? Why did you always decide the timing and come up with my same dream years after I introduced them and they were unnecessary then but bc you came about in your time it was good. Do you know how it feels? To have wanted a dream home bc that's my lot in life I am ALWAYS at HOME! And after so many hours of looking and hoping and dreaming I get what YOU wanted and now I get to be Mary poppins again and get taken advantage of because I am retarded? Why wasn't anything I wanted important? What is so wrong with me? Why I am complimented on who I am and how I am and then never get the prize? Why am I so goddamn easy to take advantage of? Why at 35 years old and doing all that I can do am I sitting in my garage sobbing about my wasted sense of self worth instead of earning money? Or or..feeling confident that I care for my children and my husband and just being happy. Just happy. It's because no matter which road I tried to take u were a roadblock bc I couldn't I knew I could not dare to ever really accomplish what was on my mind nor did I have the time I always have been so swallowed up in what a wife and a husband does at home. And I kept chugging because that had to become my identity to keep myself going every day. 11 years now of constant caring for other human beings. No going to work and getting that break yes break and doing what grown ups do. The time I worked half of that time was hearing every day if I put my two weeks notice in to help YOU. Not us. YOU. When you weren't comfortable it showed. You had no trouble voicing it or showing it. And I conformed. I HATED that my husband felt no guilt at all for being gone long hours at work, then come home and drink his protein shake then take off to teh gym. And all I wanted is conversation. Talk about what was next. Something I was interested in. Real conversation. Taken advantage of by most people who see my weaknesses. I couldn't even get you out of the car to look at a boat with me. Years and years of saying ok...I am lacking. My husband said from his own mouth he doesn't like to make plans. So, I will go ahead and make them. I will decorate. I'm not stupid right? I balance checkbook I know what we have. I can't have a boat. A pergola is out of the question. Paint the house a certain way? Get the hell out of town!! No way. You take yourself to Walmart and get u a three legged screw together table to make due. It's good enough for you you loser. But how much does his gym membership and protein drinks cost ..stop thinking like that!! You don't work that has to be the reason you don't deserve a table. Just fish that one out of your moms garage and have it. It's free. And then it sits in someone else's garage forever bc they won't finish it and then it looks like ****. There you go. All better. Not a dinning room table that is new and you don't deserve. But there you go. And that was with almost EVERYTHING. No wonder no wonder I am a mess and and a loser and just want to get on a plane and GO. I don't even have the balls to start something of my own or get a job now because I don't know how to have confidence anymore and know that I can do it. I don't know who I am unless I am bending over and working to make someone else comfortable and standing by watching you achieve and holding my hand out like a toddler and asking "can I have some too?" And then being told "no!" I am ruined. Absolutely ruined. I am good for ****. Second best. Or first worse. Told I'm great but never get the prize. But make sure I am clapping and yelling the loudest when others get theirs. What a waste of time. A waste of time. Feeling like the goddamn loneliest person in the world and fighting back tears at that parade early spring bc there I was ALONE again handling 3 one just turned two and breathing like a cow bc I had to beat feet to get them where they needed to be and then found a place on the street to watch and looked around and realized I was the single mom there. I obviously am worth nothing. Nothing. clean a house...landscape....what good is it. Crying, feeling lonely, begging for your husband to "arrive" and be a team, thinking I can do something then backing down for someone else has taught me a lot. It has shown me exactly what I need to know I am and has woken me up. I am nothing.
> 
> 
> Ok do you guys see now why im a jerk? Do you see why she feels the way she does? I have obviously woken up and want to make this right, but cant keep pushing her because shes asking for some time.....thoughts?


I am with you. You are a complete and total jerk. I could not read that block of text for one thing. BUT, you want to tell us you are a jerk so ok I am there for you buddy. 

If you really are a jerk then move on and let her find a better guy. Problem solved.

3K and up qualifies for a medium expenditure. I believe in POJA here. You either both agree to spend this or you do not.

You should NEVER have left your home. Bad move.

I am NOT saying she has another but you should rule that out. Otherwise you are in the dark.

Most Beta guys think they are jerks. 

I am suggesting His Needs Her Needs all day today. I suggest that for you.


----------



## Iver

My first thought reading her text is she is suffering from depression.

Has she seen her doctor? If not you need to insist that she does. Take her there if need be. This is serious.

(She was 7 months pregnant and mowing the lawn? Seriously? Jesus.)

1. Move back in.
2. She gets medical attention.
3. MC and IC for both of you.


----------



## PBear

changedbeliefs said:


> This seems like a case of two people who have spent 15 years not taking care of themselves as individuals. OP: sounds like you thought the mere act of getting married and saying "I love you" was enough, that it "checked the boxes" and that was all it would take. You sound (with all due respect) completely needy and co-dependent on BEING married and having a wife, but had no idea what a true partnership/relationship involves. Your wife, OTOH, completely laid down and let life steamroll her into this SAHM role that she CLEARLY never wanted for herself. That part isn't your fault at all, there's (potentially) a very noble intention beneath a man supporting a SAHM role for his wife, and I don't think there's anything wrong with a husband playing somewhat of a more "traditional/old-fashioned" role (e.g., not doing as much housework) in that situation. It was HER job to think it through and decide if her personal goals and dreams would mesh with that. It was her job, as well, to evaluate long ago whether she was headed to this spot she is right now. If she shuts her mouth for 15 years, miserable in her life, even if your actions are the proximate cause, it's her fault for not saying so and letting it, whammo, hit a breaking point and blindside you.
> 
> I agree, don't get thrown out of the house YOU bought. Man up, and tell her to articulate her issues and have a conversation with you about what can be done, on both of your parts. You don't toss 15 years out the window unilaterally. However, if she completely stonewalls you at that notion, I'd kick her ass out. The person not willing to work at it ought to be the one who has to walk.


If you read all his posts, she WAS going to move out (with the kids). But he offered to move out. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

Lila said:


> *Dude, you broke your wife.*
> 
> Listen to the advice you've received on manning up and doing what needs be done to right this ship. Hopefully it's not too late.


:lol: :rofl:

Lila, I realize that you may not have intended for that to be funny, but it's hilarious.

And I agree, by the way.


----------



## learning to love myself

From reading your feelings and hers, I see a very depressed woman. She is talking in circles because everything in her life feels overwhelming with no end in sight. 

This is how I get when I feel I have no control (yes I’m on medication for depression) I don’t know if this is a moment in life depression or something she has been battling with. 

You do have the power to change things, yes she is vulnerable to an affair, maybe not because she necessarily wants someone else but to simply escape the life she feels trapped in. 

You can’t fix this marriage from being out of the house, I would say from my perspective leaving is what you do best and if she feels your never there to begin with then you not being there is like any other day, how can you help her and reconnect if nothing is different? 

Actions speak loader than words, take a vacation (stay home vacation), move back home and build the gazebo she has been wanting, don’t ask her which one as you should know already, just do it, buy some patio furniture and set it up, write her a little note and say something to the effect I wanted you to have a place that is all yours, with a simple I love you. 

Do things to make her feel appreciated, date night is a must after 15 years, just to get out with each other. This doesn’t have to cost much yet will bring you closer. We do the Friday night free concert at the beach, walk and talk and then go home.

Take a class together, where you both learn to do something fun. She has no identity and no husband. 

If your able to re kindle a connection, her creativity and fulfillment will grow. 

The money thing she brings up is her lack of feeling any sort of control in her life, every married couple talks before a major purchase, I don’t buy anything over $100 without talking to my husband as it is a common curtesy to our finances or course unless its Costco, Groceries, back to school etc. common sense items.

Maybe Im wrong in my approach, I just see a woman who is letting you into her crazy world and she is giving you a chance to make it right.

Just my 2 cents


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## Blondilocks

"I would love for her to voice her love for me by telling me, she feels loved when i empty the trash can, ". 

Seriously? I imagine there is some woman somewhere on this planet who could pull that off with a straight face. No one I know. If emptying a trash can is such a huge act of service on your part, you have major problems.

Your wife is asking for a little time to sort her thoughts. Hire a babysitter for her for a few hours every day for one month. Then consider moving back in. If you move back in now, she just might get on that plane to anywhere but here.


----------



## GusPolinski

lifeistooshort said:


> I have to laugh at the fact that 90% of comments from men here simply involve cheating. And to suggest she's whining is ignorance at it's finest, geez if that's what you guys think it's no wonder you all have had marriage problems.


Ouch. Still, statistics would seem to be on our side here. As for the rest...



lifeistooshort said:


> This marriage has been about OP. Period. He basically got all that he wanted while she was his employee and live in servant, not his wife and partner. Nothing important to her is a priority, he works, runs to the gym, while she cuts the damn grass. I bet he had time for her when he wanted sex. Does his wife get gym time? I bet not. And why should she, she's just an employee.
> 
> I suppose cheating is possible, but that text is not indicative of the mindset of someone that's cheating. It's someone that basically gave up her life for the family and was made last priority. Now she's realizing she's 35 and what has her life become? I recognize this because that used to be me. Guess what? I divorced my ex.
> 
> The good thing is that OP seems to get this. It would probably be prudent to do a little checking just to make sure there's nobody else, but after that why don't you ask her what she wants right now? It may be too late because people show you who they are when they think you aren't looking or that they're not going anywhere. Now that you're going to lose something you care, but it doesn't hold as much weight with her. From her perspective the fact that it had to come to this suggests she's not that important.
> 
> And she is most certainly not whining.
> 
> But the fact that she's bawling and unloading could mean she still cares.
> 
> And she needs to get a job and her own life. Staying home didn't work for her. Many men operate under the assumption that staying home is the ultimate dream of most women but that's not true.


...I absolutely agree.

OP, read ^this about a hundred times... and then read it again.

Is it possible that your wife has cheated, is cheating, or is thinking of cheating? Yes, absolutely. The ILYBINILWY speech, plus her request for space/time to "find herself or "figure herself out" go hand-in-hand w/ the script of a wayward spouse. Given what's been seen here in hundreds and hundreds of stories, I'd say that there's about a 90% chance that any given person, having been hit in the face w/ both of these, is dealing w/ a spouse engaged in an affair.

If nothing else, she's EXTREMELY emotionally vulnerable right now, and you've had a HUGE hand in that.

Either way, the first thing that you need to do is to get to work on what you KNOW is broken. Once you've made significant strides in that area, start looking for residual leaks in the plumbing.


----------



## Gabriel

tacoma said:


> I think it's entirely possible she's not cheating but she is or will be looking fir validation from someone soon.
> 
> You need to force her hand, you've been out for a month.
> Go home, move into a spare room or sleep on the couch.
> 
> Start being the husband she's been needing even against her own wishes.
> 
> I say this because if she isn't cheating then you are at the "Too little too late" point and your only chance is to consistently show her what she needs to see.
> You'll never do this living elsewhere.
> 
> You moving back may also push her to end the marriage earlier which isn't so bad either considering that's where it's heading anyway.
> 
> Point is you need to do something and that's the only option you have.


This. Exactly This.

Perfect advice.

You go home, and even if you don't sleep there, you do some chores, take care of some things around the house, and then if you need to sleep somewhere else because she makes you, go ahead and oblige her.

But when you are there, you are productive, silently taking care of business.

After awhile, when you leave, she'll wish you came back. She'll miss the help.


----------



## lovemywife2014

Blondilocks said:


> "I would love for her to voice her love for me by telling me, she feels loved when i empty the trash can, ".
> 
> Seriously? I imagine there is some woman somewhere on this planet who could pull that off with a straight face. No one I know. If emptying a trash can is such a huge act of service on your part, you have major problems


I didn't mean it like that but can see how it sounds confusing after reading it, her "love language" is when I do things around the house, show her that I honor her by doing chores etc....that to her means that she's loved. Actions done for her shows her love. 

Me? I like to hear it, that's my "love language", it is outlined in the book as well. 

So moving back in without her blessing is a good move to do? I am very afraid that it will only cause her to feel trapped, feel that she can not have the respect and time she asked for to make a decision, to come to a conclusion, to have some alone time and think. If I just take the liberty and control and move in, I'm just being my old jerk self in her eyes, only validating what she has been feeling for the past several years. 

I want to work on this and make this work, taking the approach of moving in seems to be risky right now doesn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

lovemywife2014 said:


> I didn't mean it like that but can see how it sounds confusing after reading it, her "love language" is when I do things around the house, show her that I honor her by doing chores etc....that to her means that she's loved. Actions done for her shows her love.
> 
> Me? I like to hear it, that's my "love language", it is outlined in the book as well.
> 
> So moving back in without her blessing is a good move to do? I am very afraid that it will only cause her to feel trapped, feel that she can not have the respect and time she asked for to make a decision, to come to a conclusion, to have some alone time and think. If I just take the liberty and control and move in, I'm just being my old jerk self in her eyes, only validating what she has been feeling for the past several years.
> 
> I want to work on this and make this work, taking the approach of moving in seems to be risky right now doesn't it?


You need to frame it properly, IMO. You can't just move back in and be all like "Well, this is my house, I'm coming back, if you don't like it, there's the door..." That won't work. At. All.

Tell her that (a) you're moving back in and (b) you're 100% committed to making a change in yourself in order to improve your relationship. Tell her that you'll sleep in the guest room, on the couch, in the basement (I actually wouldn't sleep in the basement, though)... whatever, but you feel that you need to be fully present within your home in order to make the changes that you need to make AND for her to see you doing it.

Additionally, ask her what she wants out of life. Not just now but in 5, 10, 20 years. It's pretty clear that she's feeling pretty unfulfilled as a SAHM. Does she want to go back to work? Would she need additional education in order to do that? Does she want to travel more? That kind of stuff.


----------



## PBear

My concern is that your wife felt like a single parent before. She's still a single parent now, with you out of the house. So how much time does she have to do anything for herself?

I'd also be much more willing to say give her time if she was in counseling...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

PBear said:


> *My concern is that your wife felt like a single parent before. She's still a single parent now, with you out of the house. So how much time does she have to do anything for herself?*
> 
> I'd also be much more willing to say give her time if she was in counseling...


Exactly correct.


----------



## Blondilocks

I'm in the camp of giving her some more time. After-all, for the first two weeks you were in constant contact which probably made her feel smothered.

Why it is considered a good idea to be in someone's face when they don't want you around is beyond me. If you weren't married, it would be considered stalking and harassing.


----------



## GusPolinski

Blondilocks said:


> I'm in the camp of giving her some more time. After-all, for the first two weeks you were in constant contact which probably made her feel smothered.
> 
> Why it is considered a good idea to be in someone's face when they don't want you around is beyond me. If you weren't married, it would be considered stalking and harassing.


He doesn't have to be in her face, but _he can't solve the problems within his home *if he's not in his home*._


----------



## Entropy3000

lovemywife2014 said:


> So moving back in without her blessing is a good move to do?
> 
> *You should never have moved out. I get your point but this is just a very weak statement. Why would you need her blessing? I am not a "space" guy. You have no chance to fill her "love bank". There is a buzz word for you. She is not going to miss you. She is going to get used to living without you.
> *
> I am very afraid that it will only cause her to feel trapped, feel that she can not have the respect and time she asked for to make a decision, to come to a conclusion, to have some alone time and think.
> 
> *Hmmm. What about how you feel? Are you the major family support? Please support me but I do not want to see you.* *Where was she moving to? Who was paying for that? Or was she moving in with relatives or a friend?
> *
> If I just take the liberty and control
> 
> *Whoa. The C word. Hmmm. Is this just your words or did you get the you are too controlling speech?* *You living at home is controlling your life ... not hers. * *I do get this though. If you really are a jerk why do you care? Maybe you are not the jerk she says you are.*
> 
> and move in, I'm just being my old jerk self in her eyes, only validating what she has been feeling for the past several years.
> 
> *Having self esteem and being the husband is not by itself being a jerk at all. How is you not leaving being a jerk?*
> 
> I want to work on this and make this work, taking the approach of moving in seems to be risky right now doesn't it?
> 
> *No. It seems very weak to me the way you are behaving. You are running scared. I do understand. But this is not what you need to be. Indeed do not be a jerk but it seems to me that this was dumped on you. That you have not had a chance to deal with this. That she is not willing to work with you on the marriage.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The other side of the coin is that sometimes women do tell the husband that they are unhappy. They do this for a while. The changes needed do not occur. So the wife gives up. The husband thinks everything is great now because she stopped complaining. No ... she shut down. Some then get fed up and begin an exit plan.

So right now as far as you know, she is on her exit plan. BTW her wanting greater access to money is likely part of the exit plan. It would be a lot easier if she could start storing away some money for her new life.

This sounds way way down the road. You may not be a jerk. But like many of us you are clueless here. That is not me being mean. There is a good chance she is just tired of her life with you and wants a do over.


----------



## Masterchef

I have felt very similar to your wife and cheating was the last thing on my mind. For me it was a combination of carrying the emotional load of the family (which is not to be underestimated) and a little bit of depression from feeling like I was doing everything alone. 

What helped me was getting a part time job so I had a little money to spend without being accountable and really forcing myself to speak up and ask for help. It looks like you can now see where you have been a jerk and I would encourage you to do all you can to remind your wife that her contribution to the family is valued and respected by you. Your children would not be the amazing little people they are without her endless nurturing. Make sure she gets some nurturing from you in a love language that she speaks.


----------



## Entropy3000

GusPolinski said:


> He doesn't have to be in her face, but _he can't solve the problems within his home *if he's not in his home*._


She has needs. He cannot fill them being away. She has already felt like a "single" mom. Hmmmm. Maybe.

It is also harder for him to investigate with him being gone. She may very well be a walk away wife. But I think he should do an honest investigation. 

Does she not go out at all? Does she not have friends? There is more to this.


----------



## Entropy3000

Masterchef said:


> I have felt very similar to your wife and cheating was the last thing on my mind. For me it was a combination of carrying the emotional load of the family (which is not to be underestimated) and a little bit of depression from feeling like I was doing everything alone.
> 
> What helped me was getting a part time job so I had a little money to spend without being accountable and really forcing myself to speak up and ask for help. It looks like you can now see where you have been a jerk and I would encourage you to do all you can to remind your wife that her contribution to the family is valued and respected by you. Your children would not be the amazing little people they are without her endless nurturing. Make sure she gets some nurturing from you in a love language that she speaks.


Many women feel abandoned. Even with a husband that absolutely kills himself to provide for his family.

I agree she should have gotten a job at some point. She will have to now anyway. Unless she can convince him to support her because he is a jerk.



> Quick background, im 33, my wife is 35, we met when I was 20 and got married a year later. We have been married for 14 years going on 15, we have 3 kids together ( 10, 6 & 2 ) and to sum it all up, I am extremely happy with my life and love my family with everything I have.


You know what? She has three kids. Two in school and a two year old. Shoot me now. This is a big part of this. I am going to beat on the OP, I think he should have stayed home for his children. Stop making children. She has 16 years before her youngest is 18. OMG. 

She needs a job. Pay for child care. Keep your family.


----------



## Gabriel

Blondilocks said:


> I'm in the camp of giving her some more time. After-all, for the first two weeks you were in constant contact which probably made her feel smothered.
> 
> Why it is considered a good idea to be in someone's face when they don't want you around is beyond me. If you weren't married, it would be considered stalking and harassing.


This is why he should go home, and not harrass her. Go home, and take care of stuff that needs to get done.

Go mow the lawn, go fix the leaky toilet or whatever. Get some laundry done. Say very little. Stay out of her way. 

I think this approach accomplishes two things. One, she gets some relief FROM HER HUSBAND and it shows he cares about what she has said. And two, it gets him back into his marital home.

He can sleep on the couch, and generally stay out of the way. His job is to start being a man and getting things done, quietly.

This comes from experience, folks. When my wife would get like this (not this far, but kind of close), I would simply take silent action. Dont' talk about it, don't announce anything, don't otherwise engage. Silent action that helps your wife. It worked for me Every. Single. Time.


----------



## Entropy3000

Gabriel said:


> This is why he should go home, and not harrass her. Go home, and take care of stuff that needs to get done.
> 
> Go mow the lawn, go fix the leaky toilet or whatever. Get some laundry done. Say very little. Stay out of her way.
> 
> I think this approach accomplishes two things. One, she gets some relief FROM HER HUSBAND and it shows he cares about what she has said. And two, it gets him back into his marital home.
> 
> He can sleep on the couch, and generally stay out of the way. His job is to start being a man and getting things done, quietly.
> 
> This comes from experience, folks. When my wife would get like this (not this far, but kind of close), I would simply take silent action. Dont' talk about it, don't announce anything, don't otherwise engage. Silent action that helps your wife. It worked for me Every. Single. Time.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

He fills her love bank, takes care of his family, is there when she is ready and he keeps the poachers away. His children need their father.


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## lost_Alone

:iagree:


lovemywife2014 said:


> The thought of someone else in her life has crossed my mind, honestly anything is crossing my mind right now because of this horrible situation im in.
> 
> But the short answer is no, she does not have or had a boyfriend or affair. Not only does she not have time for that being with 3 kids daily, her integrity has never caused me to think she would do something like that. This is something only I would know, i know the "norm" would call for an affair in a situation like this however, her family is very close with her and the thought of anything like that would be detrimental to her relationship with her siblings and parents. Besides all of that, I truly know my wife and if someone told me she is on heroin and has a meth lab in the woods, it would be more believable than her having an affair. And the drugs is obviously something totally out of this world if you knew who she was, so the affair is not even in the universe.
> 
> She is not ready for counseling, i am seeing a councilor but she said that she doesn't want to waste money for someone to tell her she's screwed up. I don't agree with her thinking that way, but i am in a position that if i try to coerce her in to doing something she will blow up at me.
> 
> She is very volatile right now and the only thing that seems to help is the space im giving her. I haven't seen any results, but at least she doesn't get upset and cry and bring up all the past hurt that i have caused.
> 
> As far as me saying "lets wait" or "not now", she considers it me being too controlling, and i have had a lot of alone time to think for the past month, its true, i was too controlling, but it was fueled by my childhood being poor financially with my parents, and i never wanted that for my wife and kids so i kept saying " lets wait" to any purchases that needed to be done for the home, which in return caused resentment in her.



I wouldn't rule out the possibility she could be having an affair. Just because you think she wouldn't/doesn't have time it is still possiblestuff like this doesnt normally come out of the blue. Really because you wouldnt buy her something costly, there is more going on then you think.


----------



## lost_Alone

Masterchef said:


> I have felt very similar to your wife and cheating was the last thing on my mind. For me it was a combination of carrying the emotional load of the family (which is not to be underestimated) and a little bit of depression from feeling like I was doing everything alone.
> 
> What helped me was getting a part time job so I had a little money to spend without being accountable and really forcing myself to speak up and ask for help. It looks like you can now see where you have been a jerk and I would encourage you to do all you can to remind your wife that her contribution to the family is valued and respected by you. Your children would not be the amazing little people they are without her endless nurturing. Make sure she gets some nurturing from you in a love language that she speaks.


 This could be it too and this is more then likely the problem


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## Machiavelli

bigbearsfan said:


> I agree, but it also sounds like she is giving the OP a heads up on why she is cheating or going too.


^^^^This


----------



## lovemywife2014

lost_Alone said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> I wouldn't rule out the possibility she could be having an affair. Just because you think she wouldn't/doesn't have time it is still possiblestuff like this doesnt normally come out of the blue. Really because you wouldnt buy her something costly, there is more going on then you think.


It's not just about buying something costly. You can clearly see the state of mind she is in by reading that long text message she sent me. It's years of this stuff piling up, chipping away at her, causing resentment (her own words) that brought her to the boiling point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter

A few things. Waded thru this. Affair is even money bet.

That text by her is inconclusive. It could be her cry or her justification.

The two year old is the key. Is she ever without him? If yes, there is your window forthe affair.

Understand i have seen the following.

It could never be at my house. Nosy neighbors.=
Actually she met OM at local grocery store and drove him into the garage and closed the door.

No time=
She took days off

Shes church going=
Read poster whyeme

No textx or record=
Burner phone.

I forget the name but one mom was doing the omi in the house during nap time.

Never say never. Normally id say 90% chance affair. I see 50% chance.


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## Nikita2270

I actually disagree with some of the posters suggesting that your wife is absolutely having an affair.

I believe that she certainly may be considering her options but I would take what she said at face value.

I'm a very independent female person. Part of what makes me feel complete is being self-sufficient. Giving up my ability to earn an income and be self-reliant would be an impossibility for me. I've always paid my own way through life. I earn my own assets.

If your wife is also an independent spirit, she's probably been dealing with feelings of inadequacy for some time. She probably feels like she's lost time and the ability to advance in a career, or an investment account of her own, or some other personal goal that she's missed out so that you can pursue your goals at her expense. 

In addition, she has to come begging to you to be able to spend money. For any person, that's degrading....for someone who finds pride in self-sufficiency, that's TORTUROUS.

What you should have done is given her her own funds in a separate account rather than acting like a tyrant. You aren't her parent and have no right to make all financial decisions on your own. You guys should have worked as a team. Its no wonder to me that you're in the place you're in.

I imagine that right now, she's trying to figure out how to get herself back and make up the time that she's missed investing in your goals and not her own.

The most important gift you can give someone in a relationship is to understand who they are and what they need to feel whole and make sure that you are BOTH getting what you want and need. It sounds to me that you're happy because you got what you wanted and left her in the weeds.

I sincerely doubt that she hasn't told you a MILLION times that she's unhappy and unfulfilled. I find it more likely that you didn't listen because "you got yours" and ignored everything she said until she got so fed up that she lost all feelings for you and wanted out.

I can tell you something else because I can relate a little to the personality traits you said she has. When I say "I'm done" then I'm done. Its no joke. If she's mentally and emotionally where I think she might be, you should be worried....there's a good chance she's not going to change her mind. It wouldn't be out of the realm of possibilities that she's just never going to really feel much for you if you've abused her trust by exerting control. She may just want freedom and liberty.

I'll also bet you that she's punishing herself and her choice to be with you as much as she's punishing you. I'm sure she has a lot of regrets about making the choice to give you control over her future and not invest in reaching her own goals. I actually feel a lot of sympathy for her if that's what she's going through.

I don't really have any advice to give you, save this. If you are lucky enough to get her back given the qualities you've described her as having....do your job as a husband and understand what her needs and life goals are....instead of just trying to get what makes you happy.

Love is a verb. Its not something you FEEL...its something you DO. When you love someone, you understand and take care of their needs. Otherwise, its really you that you love because all you're doing is exploiting another person to get your own goals satisfied.


----------



## Nikita2270

> really don't get the same impression as yourself. Having him move out means a lot more than she has to find herself. The stats bear out that there is already LIKELY another interest.
> 
> Of course it is not 100% surety.
> 
> If she gave up all of her personal interests, that is on her.
> 
> Lots of people consult each other before spending a lot of money. if she never expressed wanting a gym membership or some other such thing, why is he bad for doing those things?
> 
> Did he forbid her from doing so?
> 
> I didn't see any information that would make us believe tha


Sigh...

Some people just don't get people that self-sacrifice and live to serve others.

I stayed in a marriage for over 20-years that I was unhappy in. I did it all. I knew my ex-husband was damaged from his childhood but I truly believed that if I invested in him, it would mean an investment in us. It took me a very long time to realize that he was a black hole of emptiness and all my sacrifices and hard work meant was that he could exploit me more. For me, love was a verb...something I did expecting that he would feel grateful eventually and come to treat me the same way. Its the way I live my life and most of the time its very successful. I'm a very generous person with all the people I love and it almost always serves me well. My ex husband was literally one of the few true parasites that I've ever met.

This OP's wife (as he describes her) also strikes me as someone who was willing to make sacrifices of the things that she needed and wanted hoping that her husband would see and reciprocate. Instead he took what he wanted and needed, didn't meet any of her needs and over time he beat her into giving up on her own identity. She's starting to wake up and realize that he's happy (just like my ex) because he's got exactly what he needs and she's miserable.

Its always very illuminating in a marriage when you see one person who's totally fulfilled and happy and one person who's totally miserable. It means one partner has been feeding off the other like a parasite.

You can only treat kindness as weakness so long before it will come back to bite you in the ass*...and I suspect the OP just figured out where that line is.

Frankly, I feel sympathy for this OP's wife. I can identify with some of what she's dealing with. And for those people who's suggesting he moves back in the house and disrespects the space she's requesting...he can do whatever he wants but it will most likely validate exactly what she thinks of him (i.e. controlling jerk) and will speed up her making a decision he's not going to like.

Frankly, I have a feeling that she's done anyway...so it probably doesn't matter.


----------



## Openminded

Some women (and I'm one) give and give and give to our husband and our children and our parents and everyone else in the world it seems -- to the point we are so depleted we feel we have nothing left of us. 

And, with everything we do, then to feel we aren't an equal partner in the marriage? Begging for money? Yeah, I can see where she snapped (I'm not one to automatically guess cheating with every wife who is having problems but we definitely see a lot of it). 

Sit down with her, if she'll let you, or email her if she won't and pour your heart out. Maybe it will make a difference and maybe it won't. Time will tell. But you definitely need to be back home.


----------



## Nikita2270

> And, with everything we do, then to feel we aren't an equal partner in the marriage? Begging for money? Yeah, I can see where she snapped (I'm not one to automatically guess cheating with every wife who is having problems but we definitely see a lot of it).
> 
> Sit down with her, if she'll let you, or email her if she won't and pour your heart out. Maybe it will make a difference and maybe it won't. Time will tell. But you definitely need to be back home.


I agree with your post except I'm not so sure moving back will work in his favor. Although maybe it doesn't make any difference since it will force her into a decision quicker if she's done.

I don't think that she's necessarily having an affair as others have suggested but him staying out of the house is probably giving her a chance to at least mentally consider other options if she's starved for attention and affection and she feels alone.....which I suspect she does.

However, I think this would be a symptom of the greater issue of her not having her needs met for a very long time...and if she is considering it, its just another indicator that she's completely done and not coming back emotionally.

If this OP wants a chance, I think he's really going to have to plead his case and make some very evident and concrete changes in deed...not in word...because she's unlikely to believe him. The only thing that can fix something like this is for him to make a plan and follow it long-term. If she goes for it...its going to take him a long time to fix the damage that's been done. 

Once someone falls out of love because they feel like they've been exploited...the road back is a whole lot harder than the one it took them to get there in the first place.


----------



## the guy

Just let her go, give her what she wants , it might save your marriage!

Take this negitive energy you are spending on figuring out your old lady and turn it to a positive by focusing a positive energy with the kids.

From were I'm sitting your old lady can be bystander so keep your distance, give her what she wants thats all on her. This isn't about husband time its about father time!

But you got kids and this crap between the two of you doesn't mean sh1t to those kids!

Your there damn father get back to the parental home and be the best dad ever. phuck your old lady she has her own issues when she counts on other to make her happy, a yes man, and avoid conflict, and when it was time to assert her self she folded (until now).

who cares she has her issues and you have yours...phuck both your issues and get back to paernting even if it being a single parent.

Again, just let her go ....you got three little one that actualy don't resent you, want you, and from what I've read.... need to get to know you!!!!!

I say again...just let her go, get back to the parental home and be a father...you screwed up the whole husband thing from what I've been reading......BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU STILL HAVE 3 KID THAT NEED A FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!! GO PHUCKING HOME!!!!!!!!!!

Let your old lady go find her self in the garage or on the patio like the rest of us do.


----------



## lifeistooshort

GusPolinski said:


> Ouch. Still, statistics would seem to be on our side here. As for the rest...
> 
> 
> 
> ...I absolutely agree.
> 
> OP, read ^this about a hundred times... and then read it again.
> 
> Is it possible that your wife has cheated, is cheating, or is thinking of cheating? Yes, absolutely. The ILYBINILWY speech, plus her request for space/time to "find herself or "figure herself out" go hand-in-hand w/ the script of a wayward spouse. Given what's been seen here in hundreds and hundreds of stories, I'd say that there's about a 90% chance that any given person, having been hit in the face w/ both of these, is dealing w/ a spouse engaged in an affair.
> 
> If nothing else, she's EXTREMELY emotionally vulnerable right now, and you've had a HUGE hand in that.
> 
> Either way, the first thing that you need to do is to get to work on what you KNOW is broken. Once you've made significant strides in that area, start looking for residual leaks in the plumbing.




Gus, I should clarify the first part. Statistics might support cheating, I can just easily see a scenario where that's not true and she's told him many times that she was unhappy, but he brushed it off because he was getting his. My comment about guys with marital trouble was aimed solely at those who deem her perspective "whining". It is easy to see how she'd be vulnerable though, she's had years of a hb that does his thing, pays little attention to her, and treats her like a convenient employee. It always makes me sad to see people that treat their spouses like crap and then when they get dumped they're beside themselves. What do people expect will happen if you treat your spouse poorly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Just like any employee ....she has her choice were to work and quit when she wants....why take all these years?


OP is a crappy husband and his old lady had enough....neither one can control the other but they can fix them selve...but it seems one of them believes they are the victim in all this.

While 3 little one can't figure out why the phuck mommy and daddy are no longer a family unit.

OP has a good chance to get back into the good graces of his old lady by focusing on the kids and letting his old lady go.

OP acknowledges the phuck up and we all can tell him time and again why.....the point is what will change the present course????

Well his begging and whinning hasn't worked so far...so ya maybe just letting her go might be a new stratagy OP should consider.

And this isn't "reverse psychology" its about living and living well and making positive changes for your self and no one else!

Let your kids reap the rewards for working on your self...and it will be up to your old lady to jump on board or not.


----------



## the guy

Phuck your old lady you lost control of that a long time ago. Worry about your kids and fixing your six.

Maybe on the next go around you will throw your new old lady a bone here and there.

for the last 6 pages you have been blaming your self and half of us have been blaming your old lady and now the other half are blaming you.

Time to just let her go and take control of what you can control and being a father to 3 kids is a phucking start.

quick...what your kids favorite color??????


----------



## the guy

Sorry for yelling.....I think I need a break!


----------



## just got it 55

lovemywife2014 said:


> GusPolinski, it is more then just the spending factor. Short answer, im a Jerk, I don't help around the house, she does all the heavy lifting, she mowed when she was 7 months pregnant ( I KNOW IM A JERK ) she takes the kids to practice, im late sometimes because im at the gym, hence her feeling alone. Multiply that by 7-8 years, you come to a breaking point. Im not trying to protect her by saying shes not unfaithful, but if i had an ounce of doubt about that i would be the first to ask you guys for advice on how to "catch" her in the act.
> 
> the guy: excellent advice, i really appreciate it, i have read that somewhere else too and it seems to make sense. The only draw back is the "reverse psychology" usually works on our kids, shes a grown woman and very intelligent, her mind wouldn't work like our kids however, the confidence level in myself would possibly help her see things different? It's worth a try.
> 
> karole: no computer time, and i have checked the phone bill and email, absolutely nothing that caused me to be suspicious about anything. No phone calls or texts from any number i am not familiar with, just her friends and family.
> 
> As far as me moving back in, she was the one wanting to move out with the kids, i told her it would be easier if 1 person ( me ) would move rather than 4 people ( her and the kids ).
> 
> I totally do not mean this as any disrespect, but i would really like to get other advice rather than try to catch her in something that i wholeheartedly do not think she has ever participated in. Call me blind or naive, *but this is a woman that i have been with for 15 years and i truly know that infidelity is something extremely bad in her eyes and her whole family.
> *
> Seems the only thing that's helping right now is giving her time, shes with the kids from 8 am until bed time and constantly around them, she doesn't go out on weekends etc,,, she is trying to "find herself" is what she told me.
> 
> Thanks for all the advice, keep them coming.


OP would you believe this is the first time we here have ever heard this ?

55


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## techmom

I think that the reason why he didn't suspect problems sooner is that she was still giving him sex, if that had dried up then he would have definitely detected problems.

But wifey just complaining, nope no problems, lol:sleeping:


----------



## the guy

@ techmom, were did you get my selfie. LOL

sorry for the thread jack!


----------



## murphy5

weightlifter said:


> The two year old is the key.
> .


so you had two kids, then after a LONG time a 3rd kid showed up...Just as your marriage hit the skids?

her odd behavior could be hormones from the childbirth.

Unfortunately, it could also mean it is time for a DNA test. Affair sex is unprotected sex, just sayin


----------



## Red Sonja

This thread is triggering the sh!t out of me! However, I will try to respond without beating the OP or the cheaters-are-everywhere posters.



Nikita2270 said:


> Sigh ... Some people just don't get people that self-sacrifice and live to serve others.


:iagree: Yes and most people also do not realize that there are people who will sit back and take (and take and take) of the service and self-sacrifice of others and then appear gob-smacked when the exhausted / emotionally empty “Giver” finally decides to stop giving.

These “Takers” are like parasites, living life in their happy little bubble while sucking the life out of others. And I agree, these Takers are “damaged”, usually by some sort of severe neglect in childhood and so they think "their time" has come (entitlement attitude). * This is why the “self-sacrifice and live to serve others” behavior is so self-destructive.* Unfortunately, Taker-types can sense the Giver-types and gravitate towards them. It is also why “Nice Guys” (a euphemism for male Givers) always finish last … it is because of their own behavior in conjunction with the entitled b!tches that they attract.

OP, I think you have a self-sacrificer for a wife and that you are having an epiphany regarding your own behavior. It sounds like you know what your faults are and are motivated to change … I commend you for that. Your wife’s mistake is that in her self-sacrifice she forgot to preserve a part of her life just for her own fulfillment … a job, a hobby, an activity … anything just for her. There is fault on both sides in your marriage so don’t beat yourself up too much, instead make a plan and negotiate it with your wife, strive to improve yourself while helping your wife out of her funk.

That said, it may be that your wife is too emotionally exhausted (depressed) to help herself at the moment. You may have to take the initiative in ensuring that she gets time every day for herself, preferably away from home sans children and husband. During this time away *she has work to do *… she needs to decide/discover an activity/hobby/job/etc. that will fulfill her as a person. Once she has decided on an activity you can negotiate together how much time she devotes to that activity per day/week/etc. Individual counseling or a woman’s motivational coaching group may help her in figuring out what she wants to do.

I think it is important to return home (very soon) with a plan that you both participate in negotiating. A plan for what you are going to do differently and what she is going to do differently and, the plan needs to be very specific.

Good luck to you both.


----------



## just got it 55

Nikita2270 said:


> I actually disagree with some of the posters suggesting that your wife is absolutely having an affair.
> 
> I believe that she certainly may be considering her options but I would take what she said at face value.
> 
> I'm a very independent female person. Part of what makes me feel complete is being self-sufficient. Giving up my ability to earn an income and be self-reliant would be an impossibility for me. I've always paid my own way through life. I earn my own assets.
> 
> If your wife is also an independent spirit, she's probably been dealing with feelings of inadequacy for some time. She probably feels like she's lost time and the ability to advance in a career, or an investment account of her own, or some other personal goal that she's missed out so that you can pursue your goals at her expense.
> 
> In addition, she has to come begging to you to be able to spend money. For any person, that's degrading....for someone who finds pride in self-sufficiency, that's TORTUROUS.
> 
> What you should have done is given her her own funds in a separate account rather than acting like a tyrant. You aren't her parent and have no right to make all financial decisions on your own. You guys should have worked as a team. Its no wonder to me that you're in the place you're in.
> 
> I imagine that right now, she's trying to figure out how to get herself back and make up the time that she's missed investing in your goals and not her own.
> 
> The most important gift you can give someone in a relationship is to understand who they are and what they need to feel whole and make sure that you are BOTH getting what you want and need. It sounds to me that you're happy because you got what you wanted and left her in the weeds.
> 
> I sincerely doubt that she hasn't told you a MILLION times that she's unhappy and unfulfilled. I find it more likely that you didn't listen because "you got yours" and ignored everything she said until she got so fed up that she lost all feelings for you and wanted out.
> 
> I can tell you something else because I can relate a little to the personality traits you said she has. When I say "I'm done" then I'm done. Its no joke. If she's mentally and emotionally where I think she might be, you should be worried....there's a good chance she's not going to change her mind. It wouldn't be out of the realm of possibilities that she's just never going to really feel much for you if you've abused her trust by exerting control. She may just want freedom and liberty.
> 
> I'll also bet you that she's punishing herself and her choice to be with you as much as she's punishing you. I'm sure she has a lot of regrets about making the choice to give you control over her future and not invest in reaching her own goals. I actually feel a lot of sympathy for her if that's what she's going through.
> 
> I don't really have any advice to give you, save this. If you are lucky enough to get her back given the qualities you've described her as having....do your job as a husband and understand what her needs and life goals are....instead of just trying to get what makes you happy.
> 
> Love is a verb. Its not something you FEEL...its something you DO. When you love someone, you understand and take care of their needs. Otherwise, its really you that you love because all you're doing is exploiting another person to get your own goals satisfied.


At some point in everyone's life they realize that they need to stand up for themselves Your wife should have done that years ago.Thats on her.She needs IC without a doubt.This should be a condition of your continued relationship.

You could benefit from IC as well.

If you have come to the conclusion that her complaints are justified you must address them. Thats on you.

One step at a time

First step

Get back at home with your children.

Support your wife in the ways she asks for.Stay out of her way.

Keep an open mind on an affair.

MC after you have determined that an affair is not happening.

55


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## Entropy3000

> Sigh ... Some people just don't get people that self-sacrifice and live to serve others.


And the sad thing is that this all too often works both ways. A husband absolutely lays it on the line for his family and he is not appreciated either.

The husband is working so hard that he fails to take care of his families others needs. Same for the wife.
Most companies these days expect long hours of work.

The thing is if you are going to depend on a person for the full financial burden you cannot complain that they are working. I mean you can. But it pretty much takes two spouses contributing these days. 

Anyway my point with him moving back in is taking action. It is easy to say this marriage is over. But if he does not engage this, it IS over. She can feel he did not care enough to fight for it. Also if she is in an affair or on the verge he has not just the right but the duty for his children's sake to intervene.

Now is not the time to be MIA. Him declaring himself a jerk is not helping here at all. He needs to reengage not disengage.


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## Nikita2270

> Just like any employee ....she has her choice were to work and quit when she wants....why take all these years?
> 
> OP is a crappy husband and his old lady had enough....neither one can control the other but they can fix them selve...but it seems one of them believes they are the victim in all this.


That's why I mentioned in my earlier post that I'd bet that she's as equally ticked off with herself as she is with him....if not more-so. I'm sure she's spending a lot of time examining the mistakes she's made in putting herself in the position she did. And if I'm right, I'm sure she's trying to figure out how to move forward and not put herself in the same spot with the OP or someone else. It sounds like she wants to be alone to have some time for introspection...which is a good thing.

I agree that the OP needs to concentrate on parenting. Whether they figure out how to reconcile or decide to split up, they need to concentrate on whatever the transition plan is for the kids together first and work on themselves after.


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## SunnyT

SadSamIAm said:


> I think you should move back home AND give her space.
> 
> Go to work, but come home at a reasonable time. Make supper or help her. After supper tell her she needs to go out. Shopping, working out, etc. When she is out, do some chores around the house.
> 
> Having her sit at the house with three kids is not giving her space. She is away from you, but she doesn't have any freedom to explore for herself. Take over the house/kid duties at night so she has some time out.
> 
> When we had three kids at home, my wife would almost meet me at the door after work. She was out of the house to do whatever she wanted which usually meant going to the mall to look around and then get some groceries before coming home. She needed the break from the house/family. Can you imagine if you stayed at the office 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
> 
> Sleep in a spare room so as to not pressure her with relationship stuff. Do the things that she has asked to show that you are a contributing parent/husband in the home.


THIS! 

It SHOWS her that you are putting in the energy to make things right. And that you are invested in the family. AND that you care about what she needs. 

Just TELL her "Go relax. I got this." It's what she wants. 

After 5 kids.... and an unhelpful husband (to put it politely)... and Little League, and Cub Scouts, and Brownies, and PTA... I was the single mom there too. 

She wants you to DO stuff...and be a part of the big picture. Maybe she will figure out what she needs for herself... but it will help if you are there to pull your weight (and some of hers that you kind of owe her).


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## Entropy3000

Hmmm. Him working all day and then telling her I got this? Not so sure about that. He should be co-parenting. Helping out is reasonable, but not working all day so he can work the evening shift.
He could help with meals and so on but he should not offer to be a doormat.

Again I think having her get a job and them sharing the workload is the right way to go.

But the key is for things to be equitable. He is not trying to make up for anything. He is trying to engage.


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## Nikita2270

> Yes and most people also do not realize that there are people who will sit back and take (and take and take) of the service and self-sacrifice of others and then appear gob-smacked when the exhausted / emotionally empty “Giver” finally decides to stop giving.
> 
> These “Takers” are like parasites, living life in their happy little bubble while sucking the life out of others. And I agree, these Takers are “damaged”, usually by some sort of severe neglect in childhood and so they think "their time" has come (entitlement attitude). This is why the “self-sacrifice and live to serve others” behavior is so self-destructive. Unfortunately, Taker-types can sense the Giver-types and gravitate towards them. It is also why “Nice Guys” (a euphemism for male Givers) always finish last … it is because of their own behavior in conjunction with the entitled b!tches that they attract.
> 
> OP, I think you have a self-sacrificer for a wife and that you are having an epiphany regarding your own behavior. It sounds like you know what your faults are and are motivated to change … I commend you for that. Your wife’s mistake is that in her self-sacrifice she forgot to preserve a part of her life just for her own fulfillment … a job, a hobby, an activity … anything just for her. There is fault on both sides in your marriage so don’t beat yourself up too much, instead make a plan and negotiate it with your wife, strive to improve yourself while helping your wife out of her funk.
> 
> That said, it may be that your wife is too emotionally exhausted (depressed) to help herself at the moment. You may have to take the initiative in ensuring that she gets time every day for herself, preferably away from home sans children and husband. During this time away she has work to do … she needs to decide/discover an activity/hobby/job/etc. that will fulfill her as a person. Once she has decided on an activity you can negotiate together how much time she devotes to that activity per day/week/etc. Individual counseling or a woman’s motivational coaching group may help her in figuring out what she wants to do.


Excellent post.

I think what the OP should be asking himself is how was he so happy and satisfied and content while she was so miserable? If he can really do some self-examination and realize what he was doing, he might have a chance for some redemption with her.

In addition, she's going to have to examine her contributions to the failure of the relationship. At some point, she let her ex cross some boundaries that she shouldn't have and she didn't spend enough time making sure that her needs were getting heard and met.

The problem is that a lot of time with these types of issues, they're an indication of some deep incompatibilities in personality type that become more pronounced with time and are hard to rectify.



> And the sad thing is that often this all too often works both ways. A husband absolutely lays it on the line for his family and he is not appreciated either.


No doubt that the second he dared tell her that she couldn't spend money on her wants and then he went on and bought what he wanted, she should have simply told him to "pound sand" and went back to work. However, I don't know what their family situation was...so its hard to say.

I'm not totally letting this OP's wife off the hook. I'm simply saying that its complete BS that he's completely in love, satisfied and happy while his partner is completely the opposite. There's something really wrong when he didn't see this coming and its because he was getting his and letting her become increasingly miserable. That's not love and I'm simply saying that he better have a pretty big epiphany regarding that if he wants to try to save the relationship. She definitely put her foot down too late...but its down now and if he wants to change things...he better be willing to do some serious work because its unlikely that she's going to initiate anything at this point.


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## the guy

then let us agree...let us all agree that OP need to go back to the parental home, keep his distance from his old lady and reconnect or connect with those 3 kids.


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## tripad

I am a woman and this is a woman's opinion . I identify with your wife . Give you some insight on what she might feel .

Slight difference is that I worked from home and draw good money . And I pay majority of our bills while husband gets into debt as he pays for his own parents and adult sisters for luxury purchases they otherwise couldn't afford . He thinks that what is mine is ours . What is his is for himself and his other family .

Similarity is that I am like a single mum doing everything for the children , husband busy doing protein shake like u and exercise and drink sessions with friends . Similarity is I am also independent and smart . I actually make more money than my husband on certain years working like I do . 

Similarity is I ask him for a piano for the children and he refused while he pays same amount for himself and for his parents/sisters . Just like your wife and the dining table she wanted while you pay for protein shake and gym club .

You know , when I read her letter , before I reached her statement lamenting about you paying for gym club and protein shake and not for her , I was already going ,"yeah and how much is his gym club and protein shake "

Months n years , I tell my husband , cried to my husband , why are you not helping me , why are you not paying more bills , why are you not spending time with me n kids , why do you work 10x a week and me none , can you help with kids , you work out 9x and give me 1x . he thinks I am drama . I kept telling him , I am crying and quarreling bcoz I still care . The day I keep quiet will be the day I give up . He thinks I am drama .

one day , I gave up inside me . Literally , died inside .

I wanted a divorce . Going htro one now after a year of separation .

Then my husband accused me I have an affair !!!!! 

NO I DONT HAVE ONE AND STILL NOT HAVE ONE . I HAVE PRINCIPLES .

we had other issues . he hits me .

What do man expect ? The wife is a slave to be abused ? 

well , your case may not be as bad as mine . but I may have more confidence intact as I do have work/money and a life as I dont need to bend over washing bottles - I have money to pay for help . Your wife may have no confidence and life left so she may be sadder and feel more meaningless than me .

Dont listen to the men who suggest that your wife has an affair . You know your wife . Frankly , I dont think she has an affair . tell me if one day i am right or wrong . If she has an affair , she wont be crying foul . She would be busy hiding her tracks and looking pretty and smiling , not washing bottles and mowing lawns and fetching kids .

She was committed and selfless . you are not and you are selfish .

If you try to man up as suggested by the other men . you are finished .

My husband tried that , telling me to shut the f up about money and accept the way it is . he said I need to beg him if I want him . That I must put him in his rightful place as a master and man ( while I pay bills ? ) I was actually trying to decide what to do but when he said that I knew I was right to divorce n went to the lawyers soon after .

So maybe you have to go on your knees and promise to adjust your life and give up more of yourself and give her back some of herself . for the kids sake , talk and listen to her needs and meet her request . She may not trust you will keep your words .

If she gives you a chance , you better keep ypur words . the second time round , she wont believe you , trust me .

man may think you are a ***** to go on your knees . well you went on your knees to ask her to marry you ?

seriously , if I had done a major mistake , yes I would too .

I seriously would cry and forgive if my husband would - for all the injustice I suffer - divorce or not .

She may already "died" inside and gave up . Then you are finished .

does the kids even miss you ? since you were not around much 

My kids doesnt even miss the dad when I talk to them abt it . My son said no I dont miss him as he was never quite around and never does anything much with us - see him sat is enough . my son are only 7 and 9 . sometimes , my sons have friends over or birthday partys and they cancel seeing their dad on sat with a wave of their hands . My son started to talk about if I will get a replacement dad 6 months after i ask him to leave . It shows how much he is not into us , isnt it ? but my son will wait up if I work and come back after their bedtime , they would be upset and worried . U reap what you sow ..............

didnt tell my husband this . dont want him to be angry with my boys .

That may be your future .


----------



## the guy

Or should I regress and suggest that these to phucks think only of them selves why the kids flap in the wind?


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## the guy

Give your old lady time apart, but phuck the notion of her wishes effect the kids!!!!

In this sh1tty time all you got is connecting with your kids!

Don't be that dad!

Sh1t is hitting the fan....don't let your kids walk around with sh1t all over them! This my friend, you do have control over...no matter how much your old lady wants to say "to little to late" ....from were I'm sitting its never to littler to late for the kids that the both of you brought in to this world.


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## tripad

sad that man do not appreciate their wives when the wives are dutiful and faithful . Many of my mummy friends gave up . and nope , we dont have affairs !!!!! 

They may be other woman who had affairs , but they wont be committed to the family and kids that hands on like the hands on mums . Trust me , no energy left to have sex , dont fell sexy at all , husbands didnt give us time to rest and feel sexy .

so husbands listen up .

dont just accuse the woman of having an affair to justify .

seriously , I may have 1/2 man actually interested to know me better , they may appreciate what my husband never appreciated in me . I am not even going into it at all !!!!
Man Man , some woman have principles . Not because we owe it to the husbands . I feel that I owe it to my children to behave well and not s*** around !!!


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## the guy

Agian...let your old lady go.....but never ever let your kids go....they didn't ask for this sh1t....SHAME ON BOTH OF YOU!


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## Nikita2270

> Dont listen to the men who suggest that your wife has an affair . You know your wife . Frankly , I dont think she has an affair . tell me if one day i am right or wrong . If she has an affair , she wont be crying foul . She would be busy hiding her tracks and looking pretty and smiling , not washing bottles and mowing lawns and fetching kids .


I actually think this is one of those incidences of a potential affair being an irrelevance.

If she isn't having one, the relationship may well be over anyway.

And if she is having one, its because the relationship was over anyway.

Personally, I think its more likely that she's simply really figuring out how to get out of this marriage and recover what she's lost both personally and relationship-wise. So she may be thinking about the possibility of meeting someone else but I bet her main focus is how she's going to get her feet under her financially, professionally, and as a potentially divorced mother.



> then let us agree...let us all agree that OP need to go back to the parental home, keep his distance from his old lady and reconnect or connect with those 3 kids.


I agree. No matter what they're planning to do in the relationship, they need to figure out how to better parent the kids and not let whatever they decide affect their ability to be good, fair parents.

The one good thing that could come out of this is the OP using this opportunity to be a better dad by spending more time with the kids and the OP's wife to get over her resentment and being a more focused mom.

I found that divorce helped me be a better everything because I wasn't dumping a bunch of energy into a crappy relationship.


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## the guy

Stop with your struggle in being a better husband...lets start with being a better father. Hey I'm not dissing you as a father....I'm suggesting you direct your sh1t towards your kids and let your old lady figure out what to do with the new you!.


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## tripad

the guy said:


> Stop with your struggle in being a better husband...lets start with being a better father. Hey I'm not dissing you as a father....I'm suggesting you direct your sh1t towards your kids and let your old lady figure out what to do with the new you!.


sorry to disagree .

my husband now does his dad job on saturdays , which he never wanted to do . I declared sunday a family day for family lunch dinner games and swim . n husband says i deprived him of his time . Now he wants sat and sun too . I ask why now the difference .

I m happy for my boys for that .

Do I based on that want to go back to the marriage ? NO

I feel that I would think abt it if I get a sincere apology and promises of a better life . Not bcoz I want to be difficult and want an upper hand . it is bcoz of the hurt , injustice , saddness , frustration, etc , etc , etc 

well , it depends on OP . U wld know better the details . how bad you have been or how good your wife have been ? Decide what you want and give it your best shot and see if she wants to give it another shot . She finally realise she has power to decide now , not just you .

I am sad for her . and you n kids as well . never agreed with divorce , but sometimes there's no choice and it may better .

hope she has not given up on you yet . hope you have some good sense left . for the sake of the children .


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## Entropy3000

His needs were being met. Him being happy does not mean she was missing out at all. He may have been happy because he loved his wife and thought he was loved. Simple as that. being very happy does not mean your spouse has to be less happy.

Her needs were not being met. She has three kids 10, 6 and 2. 10 and 6 should be in school during most of the day. So has her part of the work and the two year old. Not easy but who says his job is not exhausting.

How does she spend her day? I asked before. What friends does she have? Is he out drinking with the boys much of the time?

Maybe they should not have had that third child. If not she could have gone to work more readily.

Trust men can feel like a worker drones. Like your value is based on how much money you bring in.


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## tripad

How does a mum spend her day ?

Send wife to a weeks solo holiday . Take a week off work n stay home and upkeep kids n home to same standard . 

You will get answer .

Working in office is an easier job , I've done both n I can tell .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad

Recent sch hol , get my sons to help ard house .

He said mum I thot u were sleeping n drinking coffee n watching tv while I'm in sch . 

Didn't know it's so tough . U running ard the house .

My boys will be better husbands ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red Sonja

*Please do not let this thread disintegrate into a husband vs. wife, who works harder than who type of thread.*

Instead let's focus on helping the OP with his specific situation, okay?

OP, how are you doing, what are your thoughts on the advice you have been given?


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## Entropy3000

Red Sonja said:


> *Please do not let this thread disintegrate into a husband vs. wife, who works harder than who type of thread.*
> 
> Instead let's focus on helping the OP with his specific situation, okay?
> 
> OP, how are you doing, what are your thoughts on the advice you have been given?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I totally agree. He has a very short window of time to figure out his next move. Staying apart does not help him.

He should move home and be a good father and husband as much as she will allow. But he should not prostrate himself either. That is not seen as loving. It seems desperate and unattractive. He needs to be seen as strong and fighting for his marriage. A tough balance to be sure.

This sounds like a WAW but he needs to see if there is an EA going on.


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## tripad

Red Sonja said:


> *Please do not let this thread disintegrate into a husband vs. wife, who works harder than who type of thread.*
> 
> Instead let's focus on helping the OP with his specific situation, okay?
> 
> OP, how are you doing, what are your thoughts on the advice you have been given?



Agree

If I'm wife , I won't be happy u move in without talking and sorting out thgs first .

Maybe u can ask her if she has EA , she may just tell u the truth .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

lifeistooshort said:


> Gus, I should clarify the first part. Statistics might support cheating, I can just easily see a scenario where that's not true and she's told him many times that she was unhappy, but he brushed it off because he was getting his. My comment about guys with marital trouble was aimed solely at those who deem her perspective "whining". It is easy to see how she'd be vulnerable though, she's had years of a hb that does his thing, pays little attention to her, and treats her like a convenient employee. It always makes me sad to see people that treat their spouses like crap and then when they get dumped they're beside themselves. What do people expect will happen if you treat your spouse poorly?


Word.


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## GusPolinski

Red Sonja said:


> *Please do not let this thread disintegrate into a husband vs. wife, who works harder than who type of thread.*
> 
> Instead let's focus on helping the OP with his specific situation, okay?
> 
> OP, how are you doing, what are your thoughts on the advice you have been given?


THANK YOU!!!

I'd also add this...

1. Just because one wife (or even 8-9 out of 10 wives) in a situation similar to OP's wife -- having already said and done certain "scripty" things -- has cheated, is cheating, or will cheat... that doesn't mean that OP's wife has cheated, is cheating or will cheat.

2. Conversely, just because one wife (or even 1-2 out of 10 wives) in a situation similar to OP's wife -- having already said and done certain "scripty" things -- hasn't cheated, isn't cheating, and won't cheat... that doesn't mean that OP's wife hasn't cheated, isn't cheating, or won't cheat.

3. OP... assuming that your wife hasn't cheated/isn't cheating, if you don't take some very decisive action (and relatively soon) in order to affect some very real changes within your marriage, she WILL be cheating. If and when that happens, though, given the insight into your marriage that you've provided for us here, she'll have absolutely no problem justifying and rationalizing her behavior.


----------



## lovelygirl

If you decide to go home before she tells you to, offer to hire a babysitter so she can have time for herself during the day. I feel so sorry for her. She doesn't have a life of her own. She's been putting up with TOO MUCH already. 

Also, pay her an alone-time short vacation. She needs to go on vacation alone, somewhere quiet where she can reflect and start to miss you and your kids. This could be risky but I think she needs it. 
In the meantime you STAY home and become a SAHD for a while until she gets back.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

GusPolinski said:


> You need to frame it properly, IMO. You can't just move back in and be all like "Well, this is my house, I'm coming back, if you don't like it, there's the door..." That won't work. At. All.
> 
> Tell her that (a) you're moving back in and (b) you're 100% committed to making a change in yourself in order to improve your relationship. Tell her that you'll sleep in the guest room, on the couch, in the basement (I actually wouldn't sleep in the basement, though)... whatever, but you feel that you need to be fully present within your home in order to make the changes that you need to make AND for her to see you doing it.
> 
> Additionally, ask her what she wants out of life. Not just now but in 5, 10, 20 years. It's pretty clear that she's feeling pretty unfulfilled as a SAHM. Does she want to go back to work? Would she need additional education in order to do that? Does she want to travel more? That kind of stuff.


My initial post was based on your initial post, after reading more of your input...I completely agree with Gus on this.

Unfortunately you've committed some cardinal sins as a father and husband and you need to make amends for that. 

Is there a chance your wife is having an affair...yes, but there's a bigger chance that she's just sick of being married to you. You have a lot of work in front of you that's for sure.


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## cuchulain36

Did his wife ever really voice displeasure in a an adult non-passive aggressive way and explain what she wants out of life to not whine all the time about her circumstances? What she is complaining about is really either 1. completely her fault, it's not his fault she has no career, no power, no skillset 2. so petty and ridiculous, NO ONE unless you're very wealthy can be expected to go out and drop 3K on a pool or 10K on a pergola without talking with their spouse. 

My wife worked up until she got laid off, then was unhappy as a SAHM so I said go back to school and do something you want to do, and she did. My wife graduated and is starting work in a few days after six years as a SAHM and student. It's not really that hard, it takes a ton of effort on the part of the person who is unhappy. I go to the gym, my wife didn't like the time away from family so instead I built a basement gym that she uses with me, I also encouraged her to pickup yoga to get away from the kids when I get home.

What his wife's complaints are about is simple, she met someone, is either cheating or wanting to and needs to come up with reasons why her husband is a bastard and deserves this. I see a very insecure, immature woman with little to no accountability, and any real issue she has with her life is nearly 100% brought upon herself. If you find yourself in your mid-30s and hate the fact that you have no education or career, then look in the mirror and that's the person you should direct your anger at.

Time will tell if I'm correct or not.


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## lovemywife2014

Sorry for the late reply, and thanks for all the input it is greatly appreciated.

Just to clarify some things and give a better picture, I never was a total A***ole or dictator at home, we always ended up getting everything she wanted but it was not on her time, it was on my time, and that is what broke her. Years of that caused her to get to the point she is right now. 

I did help around the house, have a great relationship with my kids, did things with her and the kids and have had a lot of great family time, lots of laughter together and just plain quality time. But i did not help around the house nearly as much as needed, and the things that was needed was done on my time, not hers, hence her feeling like shes not worth anything.

Long story short, my head was up my A**, i have realized it and will do anything i possibly can to show her what she means to me. I do not want to lose my wife, i love her more than words can say and want to support & honor her, i just need a chance.

As of right now she said that she needs time to sort some things out, the feels lost, feels that she died somewhere and just want to revive herself, clean her slate and move forward, hopefully with me.

She knows the position im in, knows how regretful i am and that i have changed, or "woken up" so to speak. But that isn't helping right now and from what i have been told, she needs time to sort things out and gather herself, to stand back up on her feet.

My wife is an extremely strong person, very independent and never ever gives up on things. Deep down inside i don't think she is ready to throw the towel in, im very hopeful that she will give me a chance because it will never go back to the way it was. 

I never intended to live a life that would cause her to get to a point like this, my intentions have always been to work hard and provide a good life for my family, but the way it was done caused this outcome and that is not what i had ever wanted. The fact that she is so hurt is causing a lot of hurt in me, I cant explain it very good but if your child fell and scraped their knee, you wish that the pain was on your own knee so they wouldn't suffer.

The guilt i feel for bringing her to this point is extremely heavy, i didn't wake up daily with the intentions to make her life hell, i had the opposite intentions however the way i showed them obviously sucked big time. So you can imagine the way i feel for bringing someone that i love so much to this position, i want to change it and "fix" it so bad, but there isn't anything i can do to fix it, no amount of cleaning the house, or watching the kids will "fix" her. 

She needs her time and to gather her thoughts, if she would consider giving me a chance I can show her daily what she means to me, i can honor her and truly do things that show her what she means to my heart.

By me pushing her, or just moving back in, im just validating the feelings she currently has, that i don't care and only care about myself. I don't want to do that.

As far as cheating, you never drive anyone to the point of cheating, and you cant really stop them from doing it. If you stop them, it will eventually happen, and if they did or do it, that would be on them and not you. Even up until this point, i truly in my heard do not believe she is cheating. Its easy to follow statistics, but you have to truly know a person to make a 100% assessment, i know my wife and we have had talks about this kind of stuff, there is no way that she is, or have had an affair. We are all different, something that might sound like whining, or minor to one person, could be a huge deal to other people. Her issues could be minor to some, but to her they are major. 

Her position is strictly based on feeling alone for so many years, carrying the whole load without much input from me. Im hoping that i can get some good strategic advice on how to move forward and make this work. Moving back in just to move in wont help the matter IMO.


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## changedbeliefs

Man, the comments here are ALL over the place! All the people blaming the OP for his wife's state of mind: I feel like there is a bit of a double standard on display here. Stay with me: the consensus seems to be, nothing a BS did in the marriage is grounds for a WS having an affair. So let's view this from the standpoint, that the OP's wife may be just one step (that's maybe already taken?!) from an affair. If that would be 100% on her, then I think her current state of unrest/discontent/whatever is also 100% on her. She should have spoken up long before now.

I go back to, individuals are responsible for themselves. Your spouse isn't a caregiver, they are a support system. They're not a crutch, charged with running to catch you (not as a rule, anyway, sure at the worst of times, maybe); on a day to day basis, they're more like an Ace bandage that YOU ought to seek out and use as needed. Most days, however, they should simply be a person you enjoy being around and spending time with, I don't think they should be leaned on every single day for support in living your own life. To me, it sounds like the OP was doing his thing, she was doing hers, they were raising a family. Maybe it was somewhat old-fashioned, but SAHM arrangements tend to do that; when someone is home every day for an additional 8-10 hours while the other one works, shouldn't that person de facto do more housework than the other? Not to say he should demand slippers by his chair every night or something, but...gee...I don't think he was such a bastard, or anything? I keep thinking, if it wasn't working for her, why didn't she just up and say something more definitive long before she got to such an exasperated state?


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## Cubby

lovemywife2014 said:


> As far as cheating, you never drive anyone to the point of cheating, and you cant really stop them from doing it. If you stop them, it will eventually happen, and if they did or do it, that would be on them and not you. Even up until this point, i truly in my heard do not believe she is cheating. Its easy to follow statistics, but you have to truly know a person to make a 100% assessment, i know my wife and we have had talks about this kind of stuff, there is no way that she is, or have had an affair. We are all different, something that might sound like whining, or minor to one person, could be a huge deal to other people. Her issues could be minor to some, but to her they are major.


I'm going to be blunt here. On the topic of cheating, you have no idea what you're talking about. The "my wife isn't the type to have an affair" talk is meaningless. It's way too common for all types to succumb to the temptation. The chemicals involved are so powerful, it makes normally moral people do things they would never imagine.


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## tulsy

lovemywife2014 said:


> ....
> 
> By me pushing her, or just moving back in, im just validating the feelings she currently has, that i don't care and only care about myself. I don't want to do that......


So, not moving back in to your house and helping out?

Good luck with that.


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## Blondilocks

Regrets are full of 'if only', coulda, woulda, shoulda. The fact of the matter is the wife feels the way she feels. She can't get in a time machine and go back and change their interactions. And, neither can he.

It's counter productive to insist that this is all her fault for not speaking up or his for not pulling his head out of his azz. They have to deal with the situation at hand. 

Disrespecting his wife's wishes and insisting that he move back in for the kids may backfire and actually be detrimental to the kids at this stage. Kids can feel discord and him just being in the house can cause discord with the wife.


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## SamuraiJack

Her love account has been depleted and you arent trying to fill it again? 
You have already stated you know her love language and yet you wont go back and demonstrate it?
What is keeping you from doing this?


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## bigbearsfan

Blondilocks said:


> Regrets are full of 'if only', coulda, woulda, shoulda. The fact of the matter is the wife feels the way she feels. She can't get in a time machine and go back and change their interactions. And, neither can he.
> 
> It's counter productive to insist that this is all her fault for not speaking up or his for not pulling his head out of his azz. They have to deal with the situation at hand.
> 
> Disrespecting his wife's wishes and insisting that he move back in for the kids may backfire and actually be detrimental to the kids at this stage. Kids can feel discord and him just being in the house can cause discord with the wife.


So dad not coming home every night like a normal family isn't detrimental to the kids?


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## lovemywife2014

SamuraiJack said:


> Her love account has been depleted and you arent trying to fill it again?
> You have already stated you know her love language and yet you wont go back and demonstrate it?
> What is keeping you from doing this?


If i go back without her being ready, am I not validating to her that I just do whatever *I* want no matter what?


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## bigbearsfan

WTF, she has been feeling alone for many years and doesn't feel that you helped out at all and the best course of action is to get out of the house and separate...makes a lot of sense:scratchhead:

She asks for stuff, you don't buy it for her right away but you do end up buying it for down the road, but your still a jerk? 

Let me tell you OP, and this is to protect you. If your marriage is done and nothing can save it and she is planning on divorcing you anyways, You have already gave her an edge in the divorce by moving out and abandoning your home and it is going to cost you big time. 

I know you want to save your marriage but you better also better start preparing for the worse and protect yourself before you get blindsided. You can try to save your marriage but also prepare yourself for divorce.


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## farsidejunky

*Re: Re: Please help me, my wife asked for time apart, i am completely lost.....*



Openminded said:


> Some women (and I'm one) give and give and give to our husband and our children and our parents and everyone else in the world it seems -- to the point we are so depleted we feel we have nothing left of us.
> 
> And, with everything we do, then to feel we aren't an equal partner in the marriage? Begging for money? Yeah, I can see where she snapped (I'm not one to automatically guess cheating with every wife who is having problems but we definitely see a lot of it).
> 
> Sit down with her, if she'll let you, or email her if she won't and pour your heart out. Maybe it will make a difference and maybe it won't. Time will tell. But you definitely need to be back home.


My wife does the same thing. And then she used to get mad at me when I needed something from her after she had already exhausted time on animals, church, work, and many other things of less consequence. She eventually learned to say "no" to many of the outside interests and most of her feeling overwhelmed vanished. 

Learning to prioritize and saying no is necessary.


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## Blondilocks

bigbearsfan said:


> So dad not coming home every night like a normal family isn't detrimental to the kids?


My dad worked the 2nd shift in a steel plant. He was in bed when I went to school and gone when I got home. The only time I saw him was weekends. That was my normal. 

OP is not being deprived of seeing the children. The children will adapt as long as they are comfortable with the arrangement.


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## cuchulain36

bigbearsfan said:


> Let me tell you OP, and this is to protect you. If your marriage is done and nothing can save it and she is planning on divorcing you anyways, You have already gave her an edge in the divorce by moving out and abandoning your home and it is going to cost you big time.


EXACTLY THIS!

In the divorce this will come up as you abandoning her, the children, and the family home. You will be crucified for this, get back in that house and start keeping a journal of time spent with the children. Don't send emails as they'll be used against you in court. Start thinking like a man whose wife is in love with another man and looking to divorce you, because frankly that's what you are.

Odds are you're getting divorced as she seems to be involved with another man and completely done with you for the time being. best thing to do is move in and if she starts the process get a lawyer, keep going to the gym and working on yourself, nothing else you can do at this point, begging, crying, and appeasing every whim of your wife won't do anything but make her hate you.


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## bigbearsfan

lovemywife2014 said:


> If i go back without her being ready, am I not validating to her that I just do whatever *I* want no matter what?


What if she is never ready? 

Do you have a computer at home? What if she is having and EA and is about to turn into a PA cause you have given her space so she can explore that option?
You can't fix a relationship if there is a third party involved and you sure can't show her how you have changed or willing to work out issues if you are not there.


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## bigbearsfan

Blondilocks said:


> My dad worked the 2nd shift in a steel plant. He was in bed when I went to school and gone when I got home. The only time I saw him was weekends. That was my normal.
> 
> OP is not being deprived of seeing the children. The children will adapt as long as they are comfortable with the arrangement.


You had the comfort to know your dad was home and was coming home. Different story when dad lives some where else.


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## Blondilocks

I'm beginning to understand why so many spouses feel the need to get a restraining order.


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## bigbearsfan

Blondilocks said:


> I'm beginning to understand why so many spouses feel the need to get a restraining order.


Meaning?


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## michzz

I went to MC with my ex-wife (who was cheating and I didn't know it) and she complained of not having enough "me" time or leisure time, that all she did was watch the kids during the week and work on the weekends.

BTW, the weekend work was supposed to pay for day care during the week so her actual time watching kids was minimal, and after school started, even less so.

BTW II, she was cheating with someone at work at the apartment complex she managed on weekends.

So we sat down in that office and wrote out on a yellow legal pad who did what. Chores, working hours, watching kids, going on errands, leisure time.

Guess what? Even by her own estimations she was ahead of me by about 20 hours a week for leisure time and behind me by about 30 hours for working hours. working hours were defined as paid work and house chores (laundry, shopping, watching kids, etc).

She did not like that at all!

The MC commented that she had to account for her complaint in real terms. The MC pointed out that I watched the kids all weekend and many evening when (at that time we thought) she was working.

Her response? That I was just jealous of how she had set up her time and that she required more leisure time than I did because I "liked" spending time at home.

What really was going on is that she was trying to expand the time spent with the OM and needed a way to explain her time away as legit time for herself.

Me, being an idiot, partially bought into it. I didn't have key information--she was actively cheating!

i was one of those guys who couldn't believe that she was capable of such a thing and it also seemed as though she had no time to do it.

I still cannot say with certainty that the Original Poster's wife is cheating, but it is certainly something to consider.

I am sure she is sick of him and wants away, but the motivation is still not clear to me.

What is clear to me is that he should move back home and protect his interests and see his children--at the very least. If he can repair things with her through MC--great.

Being away from that home only makes that his new life and gives her divorce leverage as others have stated.


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## cuchulain36

bigbearsfan said:


> Meaning?


Yeah I didn't get that either, it seems to be a completely irrational escalation of the dialogue towards the negative. Maybe she doesn't like us telling the guy he needs to move back in to protect himself in case of a divorce, to me that's the most important thing for him. He needs to start using his head, cut out the ranting emotional texts and emails, move back in, keep accurate journals of time spent with children, etc...

If anyone has been involved in the divorce process they will tell you the woman becomes basically a monster and anything said or done will be used against you in a court of law.


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## michzz

Blondilocks said:


> Disrespecting his wife's wishes and insisting that he move back in for the kids may backfire and actually be detrimental to the kids at this stage. *Kids can feel discord and him just being in the house can cause discord with the wife.*


Kids can also feel abandoned by their dad and that can backfire as well.

The way of things when he is not there is that he has no chance to provide his story, his influence, his care for his children. All the children get is his wife's story about why things are the way they are.

Both the OP and his wife can be adult about getting along at the house as they move to a renewed relationship OR towards divorce.

It's on each of them to be civil.

That is the greatest take away for their children. Seeing that.


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## lovemywife2014

I just spoke with her for an hour on the phone, she was weeping and totally broken. I know the difference between fake and real weeping, been with this woman for 15 years and kinda have an idea on what would be considered fake and whats not. She never been fake, shes not fake right now and she does not have an affair, period. So please if you have any advice that is regarded to another person being in her life, with respect keep it to yourself. 

She whole heatedly asked me for some time today on the phone, she wants to figure out if she can clean her slate, clean all the past hurt that i have caused because she has lost herself, she does not feel like she is entitled to make any decision, and plain told me the past hurt and resentment she has, it has caused her not to be able or entitled to make a decision. She wants to take time and pick herself up, stand on her feet, forgive the past so that she can move forward with our family.

But every time i call or come over, it puts her back to square 1 because she feels helpless, feels as if she needs to make a decision based on me and not her, she told me that he has been living like that for years, making decisions on whats better for others rather then herself, after a while it screws with your attitude, confidence and independence.

I just need to man up, stop trying to get to her constantly, telling her things will change etc....i need to give her time, away from me so she can make an adult decision. Everyone (including me) need our own time alone, without anyone else interfering, this is what my wife needs right now and i need to give it to her, for the sake of our marriage.


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## Cubby

More time away from the marriage will only lead to more disconnection. I wish you luck, lovemywife2014, but sadly I'm not optimistic on this one.


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## naiveonedave

totally disagree. Cubby is right, more time = more disconnected. I think she is setting you up for an ugly divorce due to abandonment.


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## michzz

OK, if you won't listen to the obvious, then listen to the idea that she may be clinically depressed and needs a psych evaluation by a professional.

What you just described sounds like something that should be checked out by a mental health expert.



lovemywife2014 said:


> I just spoke with her for an hour on the phone, she was weeping and totally broken. I know the difference between fake and real weeping, been with this woman for 15 years and kinda have an idea on what would be considered fake and whats not. She never been fake, shes not fake right now and she does not have an affair, period. So please if you have any advice that is regarded to another person being in her life, with respect keep it to yourself.
> 
> She whole heatedly asked me for some time today on the phone, she wants to figure out if she can clean her slate, clean all the past hurt that i have caused because she has lost herself, she does not feel like she is entitled to make any decision, and plain told me the past hurt and resentment she has, it has caused her not to be able or entitled to make a decision. She wants to take time and pick herself up, stand on her feet, forgive the past so that she can move forward with our family.
> 
> But every time i call or come over, it puts her back to square 1 because she feels helpless, feels as if she needs to make a decision based on me and not her, she told me that he has been living like that for years, making decisions on whats better for others rather then herself, after a while it screws with your attitude, confidence and independence.
> 
> I just need to man up, stop trying to get to her constantly, telling her things will change etc....i need to give her time, away from me so she can make an adult decision. Everyone (including me) need our own time alone, without anyone else interfering, this is what my wife needs right now and i need to give it to her, for the sake of our marriage.


----------



## lovemywife2014

michzz said:


> OK, if you won't listen to the obvious, then listen to the idea that she may be clinically depressed and needs a psych evaluation by a professional.
> 
> What you just described sounds like something that should be checked out by a mental health expert.


This is very likely, but how do i go about telling her to go do that without sounding like im a judgmental jerk?

And she is not setting me up for a divorce due to abandonment, she wont go and see a lawyer or do things that are that major, that's not who she is and i stand by that, because i have been with her for 15 years.


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## just got it 55

LMW2014

I don't think for 1 minute that you are as bad a husband as you think you are
Nor do I think the you are not nearly as bad as your wife thinks you are

I know every situation is different
But given the similar circumstances my wife and I had 4 children
She / we made a commitment to her being a SAHM
My wife was degreed in her field and gave up her career to be home with the children

To make up for her loss of income I worked 2 jobs many hours many weekends

I can tell you I offered little help around the home
Now I am sure my wife had her share of resentments and I could not blame her for those. But this is a different situation entirely

I get the sense that your wifes acting over the top allowing her own sense of lack of accomplishment to cloud her thinking.She doesn't seem to grasp the self value of being the Mom.No more important job on earth.

Is she allowing her frustration get the better of her?

Are you really that bad of a man, husband or father

Doesn't sound like it to me

You seem to be taking on all the blame

Not the case here Bud

Some of this is on her as well. The crying all the time clearly shows the level of frustration she is trying to cope with.She seems to be displaying signs of depression on some level

I don't suggest you tell her to her feelings are not valid.They are her feelings.You can tell her you understand she is feeling that way and you can act to help her disabuse herself of those feelings.

Not going to help either one of you to get down on yourself
Your wife stills needs to see you as a strong man and you also have to show her that you are a strong partner in life. 

At some point that discussion needs to go two ways.You continue to say that she is a strong person.....Not the picture I am getting.

Set a timetable with mutual terms to get back in the home with your children.
Do not negotiate limbo That will be counterproductive and your family needs resolution Sooner rather than Later

Look up a thread by a poster named Kolors

I see some similarities there LW & HM64 may agree

Keep your chin up my young brother

55


----------



## michzz

michzz said:


> OK, if you won't listen to the obvious, then listen to the idea that she may be clinically depressed and needs a psych evaluation by a professional.
> 
> What you just described sounds like something that should be checked out by a mental health expert.





lovemywife2014 said:


> This is very likely, but how do i go about telling her to go do that without sounding like im a judgmental jerk?


I would use your leverage, about moving back home. Insist on a psychiatric evaluation--even find a shrink beforehand.

Tell her you will relent about moving back home if she sees a psychiatrist.

And ensure that she actually does.

Do this both to make sure she is well and to call her bluff.

If she is clinically depressed then she needs treatment. if she is not ill, then she is gaslighting you with her tears.

BTW, you can point out your concern for her wellbeing without shaming her for having a mental health issue.


----------



## just got it 55

lovemywife2014 said:


> I just spoke with her for an hour on the phone, she was weeping and totally broken. I know the difference between fake and real weeping, been with this woman for 15 years and kinda have an idea on what would be considered fake and whats not. She never been fake, shes not fake right now and she does not have an affair, period. So please if you have any advice that is regarded to another person being in her life, with respect keep it to yourself.
> 
> She whole heatedly asked me for some time today on the phone, she wants to figure out if she can clean her slate, clean all the past hurt that i have caused because she has lost herself, she does not feel like she is entitled to make any decision, and plain told me the past hurt and resentment she has, it has caused her not to be able or entitled to make a decision. She wants to take time and pick herself up, stand on her feet, forgive the past so that she can move forward with our family.
> 
> But every time i call or come over, it puts her back to square 1 because she feels helpless, feels as if she needs to make a decision based on me and not her, she told me that he has been living like that for years, making decisions on whats better for others rather then herself, after a while it screws with your attitude, confidence and independence.
> 
> I just need to man up, stop trying to get to her constantly, telling her things will change etc....i need to give her time, away from me so she can make an adult decision. Everyone (including me) need our own time alone, without anyone else interfering, this is what my wife needs right now and i need to give it to her, for the sake of our marriage.


While I was posting post#135 

You posted this

For sure you should read Kolors Thread

55


----------



## changedbeliefs

Cubby said:


> I'm going to be blunt here. On the topic of cheating, you have no idea what you're talking about. The "my wife isn't the type to have an affair" talk is meaningless. It's way too common for all types to succumb to the temptation. The chemicals involved are so powerful, it makes normally moral people do things they would never imagine.


Spot on. I uttered the phrase, at one point in my married life, "I do not understand how people have affairs." The idea of lying, sneaking, was something I could not grasp. And then, in the full on throes of my personal meltdown and in an EA, I cannot begin to explain how distorted your view of the world can become. People think having an affair is some simple, point in time, very rational choice that someone just makes. Someone who has not experienced it can very easily pawn it off as, "oh, don't give me that excuse," and I understand the desire and propensity to do so. In the most extreme example, let me point out that people KILL THEMSELVES, cut themselves, do drugs like heroin, out of depression or other crises, and often find more understanding in those actions, than does a person who gets caught up in emotion, affection, etc... It doesn't make it ok, it doesn't make it something you can just "allow," but this idea of, "*aghast*, how could you do that?? I would never do that, *I* have morals!" is pompous.


----------



## bigbearsfan

lovemywife2014 said:


> I just spoke with her for an hour on the phone, she was weeping and totally broken. I know the difference between fake and real weeping, been with this woman for 15 years and kinda have an idea on what would be considered fake and whats not. She never been fake, shes not fake right now and she does not have an affair, period. So please if you have any advice that is regarded to another person being in her life, with respect keep it to yourself.
> 
> She whole heatedly asked me for some time today on the phone, she wants to figure out if she can clean her slate, clean all the past hurt that i have caused because she has lost herself, she does not feel like she is entitled to make any decision, and plain told me the past hurt and resentment she has, it has caused her not to be able or entitled to make a decision. She wants to take time and pick herself up, stand on her feet, forgive the past so that she can move forward with our family.
> 
> But every time i call or come over, it puts her back to square 1 because she feels helpless, feels as if she needs to make a decision based on me and not her, she told me that he has been living like that for years, making decisions on whats better for others rather then herself, after a while it screws with your attitude, confidence and independence.
> 
> I just need to man up, stop trying to get to her constantly, telling her things will change etc....i need to give her time, away from me so she can make an adult decision. Everyone (including me) need our own time alone, without anyone else interfering, this is what my wife needs right now and i need to give it to her, for the sake of our marriage.


I can officially say welcome to plan b and limbo. You have just submitted into being a doormat and everything you have worked for has just been taken away from you.
Some of us are not here accusing her of cheating or calling you out of being a doormat because we think it is entertaining. But because we have lived it and have experience.

So I will ask you again, What if she is never ready for you to come back? 

I'm sorry but being out of the house for 30 days is long enough to start coming to a conclusion which direction your marriage is going to go. She is stalling and there is a reason for it that she doesn't want you to come home.

OP don't tell us to keep to ourselves if we think she could be cheating. You came for help and some are just pointing out that possibility. Don't dismiss it, all we are saying is verify.
If you know your wife so well for 15 years than why are you in this situation in the first place?


----------



## just got it 55

Depression is a common contributor in infidelity.

I had considered taking it off the table for the time being.

I think I will leave it there a bit longer.

Maybe not as likely but still a possibility.

55


----------



## happy as a clam

lovemywife2014 said:


> I just need to man up, stop trying to get to her constantly, telling her things will change etc....i need to give her time, away from me so she can make an adult decision. Everyone (including me) need our own time alone, without anyone else interfering, this is what my wife needs right now and i need to give it to her, for the sake of our marriage.


Well there you go, LMW. You just solved your own problem.

If what you state in the above quote is what you really believe, then just do what you say.

I, along with many others here, believe you are really taking the hammer for many issues that have nothing to do with you.

Your wife has low self-esteem, is likely clinically depressed, and YOU are not the sole cause of that. Giving her "alone time" clearly isn't working out too well; she is just spinning round and round in circles, blaming you for all of it, dumping HER issues in YOUR lap. How much "alone time" does one really need if they are not using that time wisely and productively? At this point, she is wallowing and whining.

But follow your own advice and see where it gets you. Then please come back and let us know if it worked.


----------



## lovemywife2014

happy as a clam said:


> Well there you go, LMW. You just solved your own problem.
> 
> If what you state in the above quote is what you really believe, then just do what you say.
> 
> I, along with many others here, believe you are really taking the hammer for many issues that have nothing to do with you.
> 
> Your wife has low self-esteem, is likely clinically depressed, and YOU are not the sole cause of that. Giving her "alone time" clearly isn't working out too well; she is just spinning round and round in circles, blaming you for all of it, dumping HER issues in YOUR lap. How much "alone time" does one really need if they are not using that time wisely and productively? At this point, she is wallowing and whining.
> 
> But follow your own advice and see where it gets you. Then please come back and let us know if it worked.


That is what i will do, as hard as it is, and as much as i want to do something different, the other options are just pushing her away even more. My only choice right now is to RESPECT her request. She even told me on the phone that every time i call and talk to her about this, just shows her i can not honor her request for some time. And she has felt that i cant honor her request for anything, right now being in the position shes in, everything i have done in the past is right there in front of her, so i need to back of and let a couple weeks go by with absolutely zero contact. 

I will defiantly keep everyone updated in this thread regarding any progress, contact, phone call or text message i get from her.

Thanks again for the input, i appreciate it.


----------



## manfromlamancha

OK here's my take on all this and I am slightly different in opinion to many of the others here:


She has built up a lot of resentment towards you over time (rightly or wrongly) and is not in love with you at this moment.

She subconsciously wants out of the marriage - and this is an important consideration for you.

She is probably not having an affair at the moment based on what you have said about her.

She is hoping to clear her head, work on forgiving you for a list of transgressions a mile long (in her head and again, rightly or wrongly) which may be almost unforgivable in the long run, and then get her family back together again.

However the separation works in two ways - firstly, it gives her the space she wants - secondly, it unfortunately also helps her detach even more from you. And this is what many here are saying to you. Its a double-edged sword and it cuts both ways. And coupled with this long list of transgressions over many years (in her head), and her not being in love with you at the moment will almost certainly lead to disaster.

So its damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Some of the others here are also trying to protect you should it get to the stage where she decides that she is through with you - here is an example of what might happen: she decides she doesn't want back into the marriage and now starts to worry about finances and custody etc. She also may now be emotionally available to other suitors (a potential new step dad for the kids). This is what the others are referring to .
So what can you do about this ?


Probably, give her the space she needs but agree on a finite period of time.
Make her understand that you too have worries about this situation and be honest and upfront about your concerns.

Take it from there. And listen carefully to what she says and pay even closer attention to what she does during this separation (from afar). You have already made her understand your own shortcomings and wrongdoings and are prepared to work on this.

There is no easy answer to your situation. But you must prepare yourself for the eventuality that she doesn't want to get back into the marriage - this could be manifested as wanting a new life with you OR without you. You are hoping for a new life with you, of course.


----------



## lovemywife2014

manfromlamancha said:


> OK here's my take on all this and I am slightly different in opinion to many of the others here:
> 
> 
> She has built up a lot of resentment towards you over time (rightly or wrongly) and is not in love with you at this moment.
> 
> She subconsciously wants out of the marriage - and this is an important consideration for you.
> 
> She is probably not having an affair at the moment based on what you have said about her.
> 
> She is hoping to clear her head, work on forgiving you for a list of transgressions a mile long (in her head and again, rightly or wrongly) which may be almost unforgivable in the long run, and then get her family back together again.
> 
> However the separation works in two ways - firstly, it gives her the space she wants - secondly, it unfortunately also helps her detach even more from you. And this is what many here are saying to you. Its a double-edged sword and it cuts both ways. And coupled with this long list of transgressions over many years (in her head), and her not being in love with you at the moment will almost certainly lead to disaster.
> 
> So its damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
> 
> Some of the others here are also trying to protect you should it get to the stage where she decides that she is through with you - here is an example of what might happen: she decides she doesn't want back into the marriage and now starts to worry about finances and custody etc. She also may now be emotionally available to other suitors (a potential new step dad for the kids). This is what the others are referring to .
> So what can you do about this ?
> 
> 
> Probably, give her the space she needs but agree on a finite period of time.
> Make her understand that you too have worries about this situation and be honest and upfront about your concerns.
> 
> Take it from there. And listen carefully to what she says and pay even closer attention to what she does during this separation (from afar). You have already made her understand your own shortcomings and wrongdoings and are prepared to work on this.
> 
> There is no easy answer to your situation. But you must prepare yourself for the eventuality that she doesn't want to get back into the marriage - this could be manifested as wanting a new life with you OR without you. You are hoping for a new life with you, of course.


Thank you so very much. This is exactly the way it is.

She has told me that the resentment through the years have built up due to things that occurred. When im going to the gym, what about her gym time? When i didnt show up to the baseball parade and other married couples was there ( i was working but still no excuse), when i didn't see the cries for help she needed through out the past several years etc.....those are the things that has caused resentment, and she has died (her own words). And now ( this is also her own words ), she is trying to find herself, pick herself up, clean her slate so she can forgive and not bring back the old things that i had done to cause the resentment, so please give me respect and the time i need.

That is what im doing, very hard but that's what i will do. And i will look from afar while separated, and i will continue to get the kids and take them out for some fun time with dad, i have been doing that through out all of this and its been great. 

I am hopeful because i know my wife and she has never quit on anything, she has never been to this point either so that's where the fear in me sets in. But im still hopeful that we will come out of this better together. I will keep everyone posted, thanks again.


----------



## SadandAngry

lovemywife2014 said:


> I just spoke with her for an hour on the phone, she was weeping and totally broken. I know the difference between fake and real weeping, been with this woman for 15 years and kinda have an idea on what would be considered fake and whats not. She never been fake, shes not fake right now and she does not have an affair, period. So please if you have any advice that is regarded to another person being in her life, with respect keep it to yourself.
> 
> She whole heatedly asked me for some time today on the phone, she wants to figure out if she can clean her slate, clean all the past hurt that i have caused because she has lost herself, she does not feel like she is entitled to make any decision, and plain told me the past hurt and resentment she has, it has caused her not to be able or entitled to make a decision. She wants to take time and pick herself up, stand on her feet, forgive the past so that she can move forward with our family.
> 
> But every time i call or come over, it puts her back to square 1 because she feels helpless, feels as if she needs to make a decision based on me and not her, she told me that he has been living like that for years, making decisions on whats better for others rather then herself, after a while it screws with your attitude, confidence and independence.
> 
> I just need to man up, stop trying to get to her constantly, telling her things will change etc....i need to give her time, away from me so she can make an adult decision. Everyone (including me) need our own time alone, without anyone else interfering, this is what my wife needs right now and i need to give it to her, for the sake of our marriage


I'm going to be blunt. Your head is still so far up your ass, you're brain is deprived of oxygen. First off, you keep saying you know your wife inside and out. You're an expert on her, and could not possibly be mistaken. The facts you've presented say this is obviously not so. You were blindsided by this. You had no idea how bad it had gotten for her. This situation has been building for years, long years, yet you had not the first clue.

Second, you say she is strong, not a quitter. She is telling you herself she is not. She is weak, and she doesn't want to carry on (understandably so) by her own admission. Again the facts you present contradict your thoughts and feelings about the matter.

You don't know the first god damned thing about her, yet you insist, and probably actually believe, that you do. Get over yourself, get out of your ego, and face facts man. I'm being harsh, but you need to get ****ing real. Your family is hanging in the balance, you need to get your head on straight yesterday to have a chance to save it.

She is not your problem. You can't fix her, you can't save her, you can't control her, you could try to manipulate her, but you'll fail, you can't solve her problems. You are your problem. You are what you can control. You are what you must work on. You cannot, MUST not subvert your own best interests, because it MIGHT be what she wants. She has said herself she doesn't know what she wants, who she is. So you have to leave your home, your kids? No, that's wrong.

She said she needs time and space. I got that too. I was willing to go to counselling, to reach out for help and for her, and was told "No, I need to figure this out for myself". I gave her time and space, and she used it to have an affair. You are getting fed bull****, and you are eating it up. Your wife may not be having an affair now, but she is super ripe for one, there's absolutely no doubt about that. She has no self value, any ******* could walk in at this point and pay her a bit of attention, and a whole chemical explosion will go off in her brain. You haven't got the faintest clue man, but other people do.

Now is not the time to step away. Now is the the to step up. You need to be the man you want to be. Be the father you want to be. The one you should have been all along. You can fix you. with every choice you make, starting now. That's easy.


----------



## bigbearsfan

lovemywife2014 said:


> That is what i will do, as hard as it is, and as much as i want to do something different, the other options are just pushing her away even more. My only choice right now is to RESPECT her request. She even told me on the phone that every time i call and talk to her about this, just shows her i can not honor her request for some time. And she has felt that i cant honor her request for anything, right now being in the position shes in, everything i have done in the past is right there in front of her, so i need to back of and let a couple weeks go by with absolutely zero contact.
> 
> I will defiantly keep everyone updated in this thread regarding any progress, contact, phone call or text message i get from her.
> 
> Thanks again for the input, i appreciate it.


Again, so WTH has she been doing since you have been out of the house. That's 30 days of you not in your own home. That's 30 days of you paying bills and a life style to her that you are not apart of.
That is 30 days your kids are getting used to that you will not be around all the time.
But she need more time to find herself. 
Let me ask you this, WTH has she done in 30 days to find herself.
Dude, your marriage is in trouble and you are giving her the nail and hammer to finish the job for your marriage.
You have just now made the case for her that you have abandoned your home and family.
And you still think this is about finding herself?


----------



## PBear

Frankly, I think you should give her the "alone time" she's been asking for. I thought you'd been doing that after your first two weeks of separation, but apparently not. So give her that time. 

You also deserve time with your kids, and you should work that into the process. And quite honestly, it seems like her trying to figure things out with three young ones running around would be a big challenge. So figure out some kind of solution to that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1

GusPolinski said:


> How much hurt can you have possibly caused by asking that your wife come to you in order to get your thoughts on spending anything over 3000 dollars?
> 
> Do you realize how completely ridiculous that sounds?


I agree Gus. Besides the line of 'space' is always a red flag of someone else possibly being in the picture. Has happened to me a few times, fortunately not in marriage. 

I think he needs to open his eyes a little wider and see what the landscape really is. It could also be burnout or a mid-life crisis


----------



## Nikita2270

cuchulain36 said:


> Yeah I didn't get that either, it seems to be a completely irrational escalation of the dialogue towards the negative. Maybe she doesn't like us telling the guy he needs to move back in to protect himself in case of a divorce, to me that's the most important thing for him. He needs to start using his head, cut out the ranting emotional texts and emails, move back in, keep accurate journals of time spent with children, etc...
> 
> If anyone has been involved in the divorce process they will tell you the woman becomes basically a monster and anything said or done will be used against you in a court of law.


Excuse me but I'm a female who's been through a divorce and NEVER turned into a monster. I was extremely fair despite the fact that my ex was ridiculous. He sued me for sole custody, exclusive possession of the home, unequal division of assets. He lied to family and friends about what was going on. He tried to alienate our kids. He tried to accuse me of everything in the book.

Nothing worked... In fact it backfired on him. But to suggest that only women do this is bigotted nonsense. There are a ton of male rights attorneys who encourage men to do this stuff in divorces so they can pad their bill.

And all because I wanted out of a marriage that he was blissful in and I was miserable in. Luckily I got out with a fair deal and found a real partner.

The gender bias is really annoying. There are many women who are perfectly fair and reasonable during divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

happy as a clam said:


> But follow your own advice and see where it gets you. And then, once you've caught your wife in an affair weeks or months down the road, feel free to come back to TAM, and we'll do our best to help you through it.
> 
> And all while trying *really*, *Really*, *REALLY* hard to not spam you w/ a bunch of posts to the tune of "We told you so!"


HaaC, I fixed ^that last bit for you.


----------



## MarriedTex

lovemywife2014 said:


> I just spoke with her for an hour on the phone, she was weeping and totally broken. I know the difference between fake and real weeping, been with this woman for 15 years and kinda have an idea on what would be considered fake and whats not. She never been fake, shes not fake right now and she does not have an affair, period. So please if you have any advice that is regarded to another person being in her life, with respect keep it to yourself.
> 
> She whole heatedly asked me for some time today on the phone, she wants to figure out if she can clean her slate, clean all the past hurt that i have caused because she has lost herself, she does not feel like she is entitled to make any decision, and plain told me the past hurt and resentment she has, it has caused her not to be able or entitled to make a decision. She wants to take time and pick herself up, stand on her feet, forgive the past so that she can move forward with our family.
> 
> But every time i call or come over, it puts her back to square 1 because she feels helpless, feels as if she needs to make a decision based on me and not her, she told me that he has been living like that for years, making decisions on whats better for others rather then herself, after a while it screws with your attitude, confidence and independence.
> 
> I just need to man up, stop trying to get to her constantly, telling her things will change etc....i need to give her time, away from me so she can make an adult decision. Everyone (including me) need our own time alone, without anyone else interfering, this is what my wife needs right now and i need to give it to her, for the sake of our marriage.



She's depressed. She needs outside counseling help. Tell her you want to be there to help. You will stay away to respect her wishes but the price of your absence is that she agrees to see counselor who can help her process things with her.


----------



## Nikita2270

lovemywife2014 said:


> I just spoke with her for an hour on the phone, she was weeping and totally broken. I know the difference between fake and real weeping, been with this woman for 15 years and kinda have an idea on what would be considered fake and whats not. She never been fake, shes not fake right now and she does not have an affair, period. So please if you have any advice that is regarded to another person being in her life, with respect keep it to yourself.
> 
> She whole heatedly asked me for some time today on the phone, she wants to figure out if she can clean her slate, clean all the past hurt that i have caused because she has lost herself, she does not feel like she is entitled to make any decision, and plain told me the past hurt and resentment she has, it has caused her not to be able or entitled to make a decision. She wants to take time and pick herself up, stand on her feet, forgive the past so that she can move forward with our family.
> 
> But every time i call or come over, it puts her back to square 1 because she feels helpless, feels as if she needs to make a decision based on me and not her, she told me that he has been living like that for years, making decisions on whats better for others rather then herself, after a while it screws with your attitude, confidence and independence.
> 
> I just need to man up, stop trying to get to her constantly, telling her things will change etc....i need to give her time, away from me so she can make an adult decision. Everyone (including me) need our own time alone, without anyone else interfering, this is what my wife needs right now and i need to give it to her, for the sake of our marriage.


The more you post, the more I realize your marriage is in a pretty bad spot and you're not understanding how bad it is.

She's basically telling you that she doesn't want the "noise" of you while she's figuring out her life goals....which leads me to believe that she doesn't care anymore if you understand what she wants and needs or not. And you not understanding what she needed was what got you into the trouble in the first place. So her not trying to "explain" these things to you anymore is indicative of her no longer including you in the new plan she's making.

I do agree with the other posters in the respect that you do not understand women. The more you post, the more evident it becomes.

What I think you need to worry is that she's planning without you. That's what she needs the time for. And what she's planning most likely doesn't include you. That's why she doesn't want you around and she's complaining about hearing from you. She doesn't want you distracting her from her new path...that's bad news. 

She's detaching and disassociating herself from you. And there's a good chance that there's nothing you can do about it.

Personally I'm of the opinion that whether you go back or not, it probably isn't going to matter. Going back will piss her off and validate what she's planning. Not going back will allow her to continue to detach.

Sorry I hate to sound so negative but I've been in a similar place and when I got to a certain point (which may be where your wife is at)...there was ZERO that could deter me from getting divorced. I fantasized about divorce every single day for years and years. Believe me, when I pulled the trigger, you couldn't put that bullet back in the gun. I'm not saying that she's in exactly the same spot but I'm saying that it might be the case and if so, in effect, you're already separated.

Given that, you need to figure out what you're going to do if she doesn't come around. That means start figuring out how to fairly share time with the kids starting right now and then start figuring out your finances and making a plan to get things separated.

If I were you, I'd get some legal advice during this process. Even if you get it worked out this time, if she's going down this path, there's a chance that you're headed for divorce eventually and need to figure out what that means for you.

By the way, every time that you post about her "not giving up" on things, I shake my head. I don't think she's ready to give up on herself , her children and her life goals at all. I think what you need to realize is that she's questioning whether she's made a bad choice in YOU. And if she decides that's the case, she's going to not continue to do it. Its not about giving up...its about recognizing that she's throwing away her time and energy on something that's giving her no return on her investment.

Again, the posters who are suggesting that you really don't understand her motivations are very, very accurate. Women are complex creatures and she's saying whatever she has to to keep you backed away from her but on the hook while she decides what she's going to do. She's got all the power right now and her resentment towards you is palpable and its not going away any time soon.

Protect yourself as best you can and be prepared. She's giving you all the classic signs that she may be ready to leave the marriage. I may be wrong but regardless hoping for the best and planning for the worst is in your best interest right now.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Nikita2270 said:


> The more you post, the more I realize your marriage is in a pretty bad spot and you're not understanding how bad it is.
> 
> She's basically telling you that she doesn't want the "noise" of you while she's figuring out her life goals....which leads me to believe that she doesn't care anymore if you understand what she wants and needs or not. And you not understanding what she needed was what got you into the trouble in the first place. So her not trying to "explain" these things to you anymore is indicative of her no longer including you in the new plan she's making.
> 
> I do agree with the other posters in the respect that you do not understand women. The more you post, the more evident it becomes.
> 
> What I think you need to worry is that she's planning without you. That's what she needs the time for. And what she's planning most likely doesn't include you. That's why she doesn't want you around and she's complaining about hearing from you. She doesn't want you distracting her from her new path...that's bad news.
> 
> She's detaching and disassociating herself from you. And there's a good chance that there's nothing you can do about it.
> 
> Personally I'm of the opinion that whether you go back or not, it probably isn't going to matter. Going back will piss her off and validate what she's planning. Not going back will allow her to continue to detach.
> 
> Sorry I hate to sound so negative but I've been in a similar place and when I got to a certain point (which may be where your wife is at)...there was ZERO that could deter me from getting divorced. I fantasized about divorce every single day for years and years. Believe me, when I pulled the trigger, you couldn't put that bullet back in the gun. I'm not saying that she's in exactly the same spot but I'm saying that it might be the case and if so, in effect, you're already separated.
> 
> Given that, you need to figure out what you're going to do if she doesn't come around. That means start figuring out how to fairly share time with the kids starting right now and then start figuring out your finances and making a plan to get things separated.
> 
> If I were you, I'd get some legal advice during this process. Even if you get it worked out this time, if she's going down this path, there's a chance that you're headed for divorce eventually and need to figure out what that means for you.
> 
> By the way, every time that you post about her "not giving up" on things, I shake my head. I don't think she's ready to give up on herself , her children and her life goals at all. I think what you need to realize is that she's questioning whether she's made a bad choice in YOU. And if she decides that's the case, she's going to not continue to do it. Its not about giving up...its about recognizing that she's throwing away her time and energy on something that's giving her no return on her investment.
> 
> Again, the posters who are suggesting that you really don't understand her motivations are very, very accurate. Women are complex creatures and she's saying whatever she has to to keep you backed away from her but on the hook while she decides what she's going to do. She's got all the power right now and her resentment towards you is palpable and its not going away any time soon.
> 
> Protect yourself as best you can and be prepared. She's giving you all the classic signs that she may be ready to leave the marriage. I may be wrong but regardless hoping for the best and planning for the worst is in your best interest right now.


This is a great post, If she is cheating or not... there is a reason for space and it is not good. Its all an excuse and you just need to get back home asap. You are behind in the game and I think getting legal advice would be a smart plan.
Do this to protect yourself! Its your home too!


----------



## Nikita2270

By the way, I have a slightly different perspective on the crying.

I do agree that she may have some depression or negative thoughts about herself based on the fact that she hasn't spent enough time investing in herself and instead invested badly in a marriage that hasn't served her needs well.

But I also think she's crying because she's having a lot of guilt over the fact that she's seriously considering a divorce. And when you call her and she hears your voice, it bubbles up to the surface. Its indicative in your post that she keeps bringing up the resentment that she has for you. Its how she's coping with guilt...she's waffling back and forth over feeling responsible for you and feeling bad about breaking the commitment...and then feeling justified in making the decision to leave the marriage based on the way she feels she's been treated by you.

I know I dealt with lingering feelings of guilt for a long time after I made the decision to divorce. I would get very emotional about it in private. I never let it deter my decision but I had to seriously work hard to get over feeling guilty about it.

I honestly think that's a lot of what you're hearing over the phone.

I just want to re-iterate that even if you guys get through this bump...I think you have a real problem on your hands. Once a woman like this starts thinking about liberating herself from a bad marriage, its really hard to get her to veer. Every time you have a problem, she's going to be fantasizing about getting free from the marriage. Longterm, you need to have a plan in place just in case. It really could go either way.

I wish you the best regardless. You sound like a good guy who's really trying to figure out how to make a better marriage and I have a lot of respect for that. I truly hope you guys work it out.


----------



## SongoftheSouth

She is playing you really well. She has thus far:
1) Convinced you this is all your fault and made you feel guilty about everything that is wrong in the marraige and she is a victim - you of course are the culprit.
2) Gotten you to move out which equals abandonment in the eyes of the law
3) Given her the space she needs to continue the affair she is probably having. 

You wrote the following: 
"like to get other advice rather than try to catch her in something that i wholeheartedly do not think she has ever participated in. Call me blind or naive, but this is a woman that i have been with for 15 years and i truly know that infidelity is something extremely bad in her eyes and her whole family."

Yeah right.


----------



## manfromlamancha

I am truly hoping for the best outcome for you but you do need to start preparing for the worst as others are advising you to. This is not necessarily that she is cheating but more like she has already ended it in her mind and just needs the space to put it into action.

They say that once a woman has made her mind up and has truly detached, she never comes back. I say never say never - I am a fighter and so always believe that you can try and get her back - especially if she has the qualities you say she has (and are not actually clutching at straws - only you know if you are).

On the other hand, it could also be equally possible that she truly is hoping to resolve this in her head. Don't know what her process for doing this is, but she might be looking to

forgive you for real and imagined transgressions (the imagined ones are a bummer at this stage)
try and put the past behind her
convince herself that her life is not truly over if she stays with you
convince herself that you can and will change

In any case you have given her the space she requested but put a time limit on this. Also it might be that she is able to resolve her issues better with the help of a counsellor (one that is pro marriage hopefully).

Best of luck and hoping for the best for you.


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## Satya

A lot of my feelings have been expressed in various posts, so I won't repeat them. 

I don't condone a pity party, and agree that she should have expressed her feelings long ago, but I think this woman's heart has been well and truly damaged. You don't just "fix" things afterwards, like the marriage was just a trial run. You are live on stage during those years and you expect your partner to be with you. Otherwise, why are you married? That text was that woman's heart shot from a canon, like the line from Moby D1ck. I don't find it self pitying at all, I find it akin to opening the floodgates and speaking her truth. If she was really the self-pitying type, she'd have done this long ago, and repeatedly. She is not crying wolf IMO.

Here's my prediction for all its worth... Your wife as you knew her is gone. She's burnt out and in the process of learning a very valuable life lesson. When she returns to civilization, she'll be like a phoenix, but she'll never see the world in the same way again. She might take a dangerous and unpredictable/volatile path (think Walter White's transformation) or simply start caring less, doing less for you and possibly the children. Her depression might zombify her and she'll care about absolutely nothing, least of all herself, in which case I'd strongly suggest you get her immediate help. Seems like she needs to see a doctor soon in any case. In the best case, she'll finally understand that constant giving is self-destructive and that her needs are equally important to yours and the kids. In any scenario, I think you should be prepared to lose her. 

Don't talk, just do. Go home and be a father and husband. I hope for the best but I know a bit of what your wife feels. My transformation was 3 years ago and I'm sorry to say, my story didn't have a happy ending.


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## texasoutlaw82

It sounds as though your wife has checked herself out of the emotional side of the relationship. Now she's trying to check herself out of the physical side of things by "wanting time apart."

This fog you're in will soon pass. Be a father to your kiddos and focus solely on your physical and mental health and doing things . Consider enlisting a personal counselor for yourself to help weed through the layers of this mess. No matter what, keep pushing forward and life will eventually put the pieces in the places necessary. Fight the good fight and keep the faith.

I'm all for fighting what's worth fighting for...but at some point it has to stop. It can't come at ANY expense to you. Set a limit and stick to your guns. 

At this point, not matter how strong it is, love has absolutely nothing to do with this scenario. Best of luck.


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## chillymorn

sounds like she wants a do over.

at your expense. 

it takes two to have a good marriage. and she seems to be focusing on all the thinks you did. but my experience is that their is blame on both sides.

JMHO

go home and tell her either you guys start working on the marriage or your done. tell her she is just as at fault with how your marriage is as you.Tell her your willing to reflect on your faults but she has to equally do the same. tell her you can't read her mind and that you don't really care to. If you missed the signs that she was unhappy that she has to own it. and learn how to communicate properly.


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## JASON56

I don't think this is all on the OP,but it looks like he did some pretty dumb things, like did he really come home from work and take off to the gym, when the grass needed to be cut..and why would she not say to him, the grass needs to be cut.

Maybe at this point she gave up, why tell him, he will only do it when he wants too..
But really why at some point in her life why she did not say. i want to go back to work, we will get a daycare involved, so i can start feeling like i am a productive person again and not a servant.

I agree he should be back in the house...how long does she need space for..
It doesnt sound like a good conclusion is going to happen.I doubt there is an affair, yet..but the longer it goes on the more likely she will get interested in somebody..


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## oscuranotte

Many people take different things from this, but here's what I took: She's with the kids all the time, so has no time for an affair, and when she comes to you for things other than groceries and etc., you say "no" or "let's wait." Basically, it sounds like you're leaving her all the weight.

But also, as others have said, you should not rule out the possibility of affair. Time can always be found and made. Don't let your ego get in the way of reality. Yes, obviously, she resents you, as if there is any truth to what I took from this, I'd resent you, too.

Many men that I've met, anyway, are always soooo certain that their women don't cheat/have orgasms. They will die before admitting these things. I never know if it's an ego thing or what. Fact is: you can't be with her every second of everyday. And these days, there are many types of affairs, and there is always a way to make time.


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## tripad

Nikita2270 said:


> The more you post, the more I realize your marriage is in a pretty bad spot and you're not understanding how bad it is.
> 
> She's basically telling you that she doesn't want the "noise" of you while she's figuring out her life goals....which leads me to believe that she doesn't care anymore if you understand what she wants and needs or not. And you not understanding what she needed was what got you into the trouble in the first place. So her not trying to "explain" these things to you anymore is indicative of her no longer including you in the new plan she's making.
> 
> I do agree with the other posters in the respect that you do not understand women. The more you post, the more evident it becomes.
> 
> What I think you need to worry is that she's planning without you. That's what she needs the time for. And what she's planning most likely doesn't include you. That's why she doesn't want you around and she's complaining about hearing from you. She doesn't want you distracting her from her new path...that's bad news.
> 
> She's detaching and disassociating herself from you. And there's a good chance that there's nothing you can do about it.
> 
> Personally I'm of the opinion that whether you go back or not, it probably isn't going to matter. Going back will piss her off and validate what she's planning. Not going back will allow her to continue to detach.
> 
> Sorry I hate to sound so negative but I've been in a similar place and when I got to a certain point (which may be where your wife is at)...there was ZERO that could deter me from getting divorced. I fantasized about divorce every single day for years and years. Believe me, when I pulled the trigger, you couldn't put that bullet back in the gun. I'm not saying that she's in exactly the same spot but I'm saying that it might be the case and if so, in effect, you're already separated.
> 
> Given that, you need to figure out what you're going to do if she doesn't come around. That means start figuring out how to fairly share time with the kids starting right now and then start figuring out your finances and making a plan to get things separated.
> 
> If I were you, I'd get some legal advice during this process. Even if you get it worked out this time, if she's going down this path, there's a chance that you're headed for divorce eventually and need to figure out what that means for you.
> 
> By the way, every time that you post about her "not giving up" on things, I shake my head. I don't think she's ready to give up on herself , her children and her life goals at all. I think what you need to realize is that she's questioning whether she's made a bad choice in YOU. And if she decides that's the case, she's going to not continue to do it. Its not about giving up...its about recognizing that she's throwing away her time and energy on something that's giving her no return on her investment.
> 
> Again, the posters who are suggesting that you really don't understand her motivations are very, very accurate. Women are complex creatures and she's saying whatever she has to to keep you backed away from her but on the hook while she decides what she's going to do. She's got all the power right now and her resentment towards you is palpable and its not going away any time soon.
> 
> Protect yourself as best you can and be prepared. She's giving you all the classic signs that she may be ready to leave the marriage. I may be wrong but regardless hoping for the best and planning for the worst is in your best interest right now.


Sounds like that's the case . spoken from experience .

But "protect yourself as best as you can " doesn't need to mean that its to the detriment of the wife . It could be amicable , at least for the kids .


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## tripad

Nikita2270 said:


> By the way, I have a slightly different perspective on the crying.
> 
> I do agree that she may have some depression or negative thoughts about herself based on the fact that she hasn't spent enough time investing in herself and instead invested badly in a marriage that hasn't served her needs well.
> 
> But I also think she's crying because she's having a lot of guilt over the fact that she's seriously considering a divorce. And when you call her and she hears your voice, it bubbles up to the surface. Its indicative in your post that she keeps bringing up the resentment that she has for you. Its how she's coping with guilt...she's waffling back and forth over feeling responsible for you and feeling bad about breaking the commitment...and then feeling justified in making the decision to leave the marriage based on the way she feels she's been treated by you.
> 
> I know I dealt with lingering feelings of guilt for a long time after I made the decision to divorce. I would get very emotional about it in private. I never let it deter my decision but I had to seriously work hard to get over feeling guilty about it.
> 
> I honestly think that's a lot of what you're hearing over the phone.
> 
> I just want to re-iterate that even if you guys get through this bump...I think you have a real problem on your hands. Once a woman like this starts thinking about liberating herself from a bad marriage, its really hard to get her to veer. Every time you have a problem, she's going to be fantasizing about getting free from the marriage. Longterm, you need to have a plan in place just in case. It really could go either way.
> 
> I wish you the best regardless. You sound like a good guy who's really trying to figure out how to make a better marriage and I have a lot of respect for that. I truly hope you guys work it out.


again, I agree .
That's what I went through too .

But I hope you will make it with her , you seems nice and trying .


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## Nikita2270

tripad said:


> Sounds like that's the case . spoken from experience .
> 
> But "protect yourself as best as you can " doesn't need to mean that its to the detriment of the wife . It could be amicable , at least for the kids .


Believe me...I'm all for amicable divorces...its what's best for the children, the ex-spouses and the finances. I just meant that he should protect himself by understanding the law in his state...especially since he's not in the house which puts him at risk. I didn't mean he should plan to start a war in the event they get divorced. 

He definitely needs to read up on separation and divorce laws though. Especially since he has kids and a SAHM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

*Re: Re: Please help me, my wife asked for time apart, i am completely lost.....*



JASON56 said:


> But really why at some point in her life why she did not say. i want to go back to work, we will get a daycare involved, so i can start feeling like i am a productive person again and not a servant.


I suspect it might be because she seems like a giver and hasn't learned to say no. You almost can't say no. Being around 3 kids makes it tougher I'm sure. For anyone who isn't a natural giver, it's hard to explain and seems completely illogical. It took me a great deal of learning to say no and not feel immense guilt. I put off going to grad school for 10 years because I couldn't learn to care for my own needs above my ex's. And boy was he needy. He wasn't even holding me back, but I needed to put my foot down when I'd already spent years shooting it off. The fault was mine, but when you're in the middle of things, you can't easily take a crow bar and pop yourself out.

That's really what your partner is there for, to keep you sane and support you.


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## Darkstar71

lovemywife2014 said:


> Throughout the years she has felt that she always had to come to me for "permission" to purchase anything costly, not groceries, clothing for her and kids, hair salon for herself, but major things such as a pool, furniture etc... basically anything over 3000 dollars.
> I have always been very conservative and don't like to spend money, and always tell her " let's wait" or " not now"
> *Years of doing that has caused resentment in her towards me, and she feels that her dreams are never met*.


This doesn't make sense to me. Is your wife an extremely material person who needs things to be satisfied? Does she define herself by what she has? 

If not, then the explanation of why this is falling apart doesn't hold water. Either there's more to the story you haven't shared (and I'll admit I haven't read anything but the first page of this thread) or she is absolutely having an affair.


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## GusPolinski

Darkstar71 said:


> This doesn't make sense to me. Is your wife an extremely material person who needs things to be satisfied? Does she define herself by what she has?
> 
> If not, then the explanation of why this is falling apart doesn't hold water. Either there's more to the story you haven't shared *(and I'll admit I haven't read anything but the first page of this thread)* or she is absolutely having an affair.


I realize that you've been banned (not sure if that's temporary or permanent) and can't reply, but you probably should've read a bit further into the thread before posting this.


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## Jellybeans

Wellllllllllll it got banned PRETTY quickly.

LOL


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## JASON56

I cannot see what was in the post by Darkstar that got him banned..does anybody else..


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## weightlifter

Ugh. I cant shake this bad feeling about this. I HOPE op is correct and i am wrong.


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## just got it 55

chillymorn said:


> sounds like she wants a do over.
> 
> at your expense.
> 
> it takes two to have a good marriage. and she seems to be focusing on all the thinks you did. but my experience is that their is blame on both sides.
> 
> JMHO
> 
> go home and tell her either you guys start working on the marriage or your done.(((I would say prepare yourself for a different conversation))) tell her she is just as at fault with how your marriage is as you.Tell her your willing to reflect on your faults but she has to equally do the same. tell her you can't read her mind and that you don't really care to. If you missed the signs that she was unhappy that she has to own it. and learn how to communicate properly.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Best advice i have seen on this thread

Only question is when do you pull the trigger on this.

55


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## Suspecting2014

Just a thought, Just to be sure,

Does your wife have an iPhone?, why don’t you just get a recovery data program, (Wondershare Dr.Fone I never used it but a lot of people use it in TAM) to recover text deleted.


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## BeenHereB4

OP: 

Been following your post off-line for a while - decided to pipe in.

I'm in a situation very similar to yours, except, I'm down the road a bit, and in my situation, I never moved out as my wife had and occasionally demands. 

I get almost the same stuff about how everything is my fault, how I don't value her, etc, etc, etc. 

After having followed this forum for so long (I had a different user alias in prior years on this forum), I got a lot of advice saying my wife was cheating. While at some point, she had some type of EA - what I've ultimately realized to both my benefit and detriment is that most of our "crap" is really s*it testing. I think I finally managed to pass one as of almost a week ago. She actually apologized for her behavior.

I'm a stereotypical nice guy. It's hard to break the mold, but in her defense, she has hinted at those things I need to change to help her feel more secure in the marriage. 

Or not. The thing is - her rants or sh*t tests are fairly consistent and regular. They arrive when I've done something that challenges her feel for security in the marriage. She actually apologized for the last test. 

Whether she was sincere, or the real determination of passing the test will be based on her actions towards me. 

I guess I'm trying to share with you, OP, is that I didn't back down when she wanted me to leave. I gave her the respect and space she asked for, but within the framework that our marriage is two sided. We can't work on it together if we aren't living together. If I've done something that is a deal breaker for her, this is what boundaries are for. She has the ability to leave the situation, if it doesn't suit her, but her boundary can't be for me to leave if she doesn't like her. Same with me. 

Its safe to assume that you have nothing to lose at this point as you haven't passed her sh*t test yet. If you aren't going to move back and communicate this middle ground expectation, then you ought to follow-up with a trial separation agreement, as you are in an unfair scenario that will not go to your advantage if it never recovers. Cover your bases. Be the best person you can be, but don't take the everything is your fault bull crap.

Take her concerns, document them and tell her what you are willing to do to meet them. Make sure yours are covered and she can do the same for you. 

She may have a mental illness. Get that checked out too. Tell her you'll take her to the doc to get it checked out. Demonstrate kindness and love, but not too much. There is a balance.


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## SadandAngry

How are you doing lost?


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## Yeswecan

lovemywife2014 said:


> But every time i call or come over, it puts her back to square 1 because she feels helpless, feels as if she needs to make a decision based on me and not her, she told me that he has been living like that for years, making decisions on whats better for others rather then herself, after a while it screws with your attitude, confidence and independence.


I have read the thread up to this point. I will read the entire thread but I wanted to comment on this. 

Who, in a family situation, really does not make a majority of the decisions that are good for all and not just the one? Honestly, if I decided to go AWOL because of the decisions were better for others in the family and not myself it would have happened 3 months after I said I do and my wife said she was pregnant with out first. It is called sacrifice for the good of all and not the one. Yes, I got an attitude every now and then. I certainly did not go AWOL. I have been living it for years. 

And to add....decision on making a purchase of some item at $3000.00 should be agreed up by both. Getting the hair done fo $80.00 not so much.


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## Yeswecan

lovemywife2014 said:


> That is what i will do, as hard as it is, and as much as i want to do something different, the other options are just pushing her away even more. My only choice right now is to RESPECT her request. She even told me on the phone that every time i call and talk to her about this, just shows her i can not honor her request for some time. And she has felt that i cant honor her request for anything, right now being in the position shes in, everything i have done in the past is right there in front of her, so i need to back of and let a couple weeks go by with absolutely zero contact.
> 
> I will defiantly keep everyone updated in this thread regarding any progress, contact, phone call or text message i get from her.
> 
> Thanks again for the input, i appreciate it.


Honestly, cutting herself off from you and without any outside support(counseling) how does she logically see this will help her cause? IMO, she has effectively added yet more of what she is having issue with on her lap. You have now seen the light but she wants to shut it off? :scratchhead:


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## nuclearnightmare

just read all this today:

my take is that anyone who constantly calls themselves a "jerk", is not one really, but is trying to get someone to forgive them for something. Or is trying to regain somone's love or acceptance by taking ALL blame upon themselves....and perhaps even discovering that even doing that is not enough to resolve things. 

OP look - she comes off as very manipulative to me, with you being very gullible to her manipulations. her text you shared shows that IMO. doesn't mean she isn't feeling very down, but her behavior just doesn't make sense. she seems to be insisting, unreasonably, that you couldn't possibly move back into your own house because she would then not be given all the alone time she needs to get her act together. living there but leaving her alone to sort out things in her head - not good enough for her. Even though this keeps you away from your three children. really seems like she's implementing some kind of strategy.....sorry 

and did she really say she is not ready for ANY kind of counseling?? is she currently getting no IC whatsoever??? and yet she expresses herself as feeling so desperately empty and confused - but is not trying to get professional help??
and of course MC is also out of the question right now, for her. correct? some people don't want to try to work things out in front of a neutral counselor because they realize that that counselor will pick up quickly on their faults and contributions to a struggling marriage just as much as they do their spouse. not very 'strategic' for some people. 

so is she sincere in all this? I don't think so; not completely. she may be feeling very bad and may not be having an affair, but I don't think you should be "trusting" her right now. PROTECT YOURSELF....legally and emotionally!


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## farsidejunky

LMW:

Read the last post carefully. Does any of it make your gut tingle?


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