# Exactly what type of a sicko am I? I've love to know.



## BigWuss (Nov 21, 2009)

Hi everyone. New to the forum. Just signed up about 10 mins ago. 

I’m afraid my first post is going to be a long one, so I apologise in advance.

What brings me to the forum today? Well... I'm having the weirdest thoughts ever, and I need someone to tell me whether I'm downright sick in the head, or whether these thoughts are normal. Feel free to comment on my situation... don't hold back on the vernacular so-to-speak (but keep things within forum guidelines, of course)

I'm married. First and only marriage as far as I’m concerned. 13 years and going. I can't say the past 13 years have been wonderful. Can't say they've been awful either. Got three darling children that I adore. I hope to see them grow up to be happy, well-rounded, and successful people who know how to love and appreciate what they’re given in life. 

Can I say that I adore my wife? Maybe! My attraction to her, or the reasons I'm attracted to her, have never been all that clear to me. She's sexy... I love her personality... but the deep-seated, "I'd die for you and protect you with my life", unconditional kind of love that I feel for my kids just isn't there with her. Yes, I do love her… but not the way I love my kids. I am quite embarrassed to admit this.

Let me also say that I do not come from a family where there was open and unconditional love. Quite the contrary. My parents raised their kids to perform academically. This was their sole goal and raison d’être. Any love they showed was directly tied to how well we did in school, and what sort of careers we ended up in after wards.

Anyways... about me: I'm not that physically attractive in my opinion. Facially, I can sort of tolerate what I see in the mirror. However, bodily, I abhor what I see. I've been overweight most of my adult life. 

About my wife: She takes care of her health and body far more than I do. As a result, she has an attractive figure. She's facially very cute. She doesn't look her age, which comes with being Oriental I suppose. She looks 25 despite being over 10 years older.

Readers can probably tell that I don't have much self-esteem. Although I studied hard (to please people mainly) and got the grades, some family members feel that I'm not in a decent enough profession. In my career, I don't consider myself to be brilliant. In fact, I often find myself being confused over topics that colleagues of mine find easy to grasp. Personally, I consider myself a few hairs short of being incompetent. I'm not a total tool, in fact, I usually get really great performance reviews... yet, I still feel quite a bit lesser of myself compared to others in my profession.

And this feeling of inadequacy affects my marriage in a very direct manner. My wife doesn't have all that much education in comparison to me. She dropped out of uni after she met me. Why? God only knows. Worst decision she ever made. There were always plans for her to go back and continue studies, but marriage, and later on kids, took precedence. I sure hope she goes back to school. She owes it to herself. I, on the other hand, felt compelled to go back to uni after already having received a degree. Glutton for punishment I am.

Deep down, I haven't got a clue why she decided to date me... why she ever decided to let me go beyond the first kiss. We had sex on our first date. Ever since, sex has been our main link to each other. And I truly love this aspect of our marriage. We don't see eye to eye on much... but we certainly do know how to satisfy each other.

But, I can't say that we argue much. To many outsiders we appear as "the perfect couple". Many have told us how great we are with each other. I have no idea why they’d think so. Well, I can guess. Its mainly because my wife has such a great personality. She loves making people happy and comfortable. She's physically pretty. I'm the opposite... most people irk me (most, not all… my wife and kids for example don’t irk me). It’s hard to get to know me. Partially because I guard myself a whole lot, and partially because I'm not all that great to get to know. My wife becomes friends with people easily... but those people often find it hard to extend their friendship on to me, because I'm quite different from my wife. Also, I'm of a different race from my wife, so people who get to know my wife as the first point of contact are usually caught off-guard when they're introduced to me later on for the first time. But, that’s just the way life is I suppose. I’m used to it. 

So... about the weird thoughts. Well, for the first 12 years of my marriage, I suppose I was like any other guy. I'd be devastated if anyone where to take my wife away from me. I mean in the sense that if someone else were to come along and sweep her off her feet, I'd barely want to live.

As of late, however, I've actually started to want this scenario to happen more and more. At first, it was a thought that'd creep into my mind, but I'd rid my mind of it because it caused pain within me. However, thoughts of her cheating on me have crept into my mind so many times now, that I'm quite beginning to desire it. I really want this to happen. In fact, I've started to really push her to go "clubbing" with her friends while I stay at home with the kids. In the beginning she felt weird going out on the town without me... but I think she's really taking to it now.

Why do I have these thoughts? I have no idea! I'm hoping someone can tell me.

On the topic of cheating... I want to say the following: I've never done so in my life. I find it hard to approach women... or maybe it’s the other way around... women find it hard to feel comfortable around me. My wife has been one of a very few number of women in my life who have found me attractive enough to want to be with me. I can count all my relationships (before marriage naturally) on one hand. Since marriage, I have not cheated. Nor do I think that she has even done so.

However, the desire has been there. Oh yes! I've wanted to try a fling with someone else for quite some time now. I can't bring myself to do it, however, for various reasons. Personally I feel that I don't really have anything to offer a woman other than my sperm and sex. I'm unable to have meaningful conversations with women... I'm unable to be charming and romantic. These are all alien ideals to me. Yes, I do tend to objectify women. Do I objectify my wife, however? I don't think that I do. But, I can't say this for sure. Maybe I do.

I respect my wife greatly because she's the mother of my children... whom I adore. I tolerate her completely because of that. I give her full autonomy to do what she wants, and whenever she wants. The only thing I get a bit anal about is the crap that she buys from the supermarket (using the excuse that it’s for the kids)... and the fact that she always leaves the drivers seat pulled all the way close to the steering wheel.

But, can I ever live with another woman? In a long term relationship I mean? Probably not. I don't care to date anyone again. I don't care to get married to anyone again... and I certainly don't care to have more children with anyone again. 

But, do I want to cheat? Yes. But only to experience someone else physically in an anonymous sense. Will I ever actually do it? Most probably not. Not with the personality I have. I used to joke with friends that my personality and body are the best prophylactic ever! 

So... going back to why I want my wife to cheat on me. I can only offer the following theory on why I want her to do so: A few years into my marriage, I found out that she'd had quite a number of lovers before me (and none after I hope). That knowledge created a deep-seated hurt within me that I never let her know about. It was hurt and jealousy mixed together. It shouldn't have come as a surprise... I mean, just count the number of times I've described her in the paragraphs above and contrast that with how I’ve described myself. You get the picture. 

Essentially, she has been able to enjoy what I always dreamt of! Carefree and easily obtained sexual relationships with just about anyone. She did it at the right age too... before the responsibilities of life really began. I, on the other hand, was heads down in books, etc. More or less a nerd who got together with one of the popular girls by pure chance. And I think pure luck has kept us together over the years.

I think that somehow, I've actually become addicted to feeling that pain that I felt when she told me about her previous love life. It made me feel quite small and inadequate back then... and I think deep down I want to feel that pain again. This time, however, I want the pain to be real... I THINK!

I'm not sure about my theory. It’s the only one that makes sense. Maybe someone reading this post can offer a better one. 

So... that's my story... and this is pretty much what I carry around on a day-to-day basis.

I don’t think she’ll ever cheat on me. She’s actually quite devoted to being a wife and mother. I can tell she loves me. There’s never been any doubt about that… ever. Is she impressionable? Yes. Can a man, who's got the perfect face and body, come along and push the right buttons to get her into bed? You know what? A few years ago I'd have said an unequivocal NO. Today, however, I do actually believe that she could give in to someone. As weak as I am in the flesh, I do believe that she is equally weak.

I don’t feel that I deserve her. I’m not really built for love and closeness to people. I don’t want to be a loner, but 13 years is the longest period of time that I’ve been devoted to someone. I was never devoted to my family members (parents, siblings etc)… heck, I hate their guts. I left home at the end of my teens and never went back. Funded and completed my studies on my own. 

And then this crazy girl comes along and wraps me up in her life. Not fair… to her I mean.

Anyways… I want her very much to cheat on me. I want to find out from a friend that she’s been keeping someone one the side. As I’ve said above, I haven’t the faintest idea why I’ve been feeling this way. I’d say, its been several months now.

What’s up with me?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

BigWuss said:


> Anyways… I want her very much to cheat on me. I want to find out from a friend that she’s been keeping someone one the side. As I’ve said above, I haven’t the faintest idea why I’ve been feeling this way. I’d say, its been several months now.
> 
> What’s up with me?


Hi BigWuss!

Your desire is very common. I don't know the percentage, but millions of guys get turned by the thought of their wife banging someone else. There are many reasons for this...

Lets try and delve into your mind. Mmmmm... complicated. 

Cast your mind back to this paragraph:


> A few years into my marriage, I found out that she'd had quite a number of lovers before me (and none after I hope). That knowledge created a deep-seated hurt within me that I never let her know about. It was hurt and jealousy mixed together.


Imagine the slight gut-wrenching feeling you welt when having these thoughts. Now imagine that feeling fading slightly over the years. So it's still arises, but it's more muted. Now imagine feeling horny and these thoughts enter your head. Guess what? The feelings of being horny blend with the mild gut-wrenching feelings, and you have a new type of feeling. It's like taking two dissimilar metals and forming an alloy. The alloy has maybe some of the properties of both metals, plus a few new ones.

When you mix being horny with the gut-wrenching feeling, what is actually happening is that you are mixing adrenalin with sex. Now it does not really matter where you get the adrenalin from. It could be fear, it could be excitement. But when you ad in feeling horny, all of a sudden you create adrenalin-sex.

It's sex on steroids! No wonder you are addicted - or would like to be 

Now, having dealt with the boring stuff, I want to turn to you. You sound great! You write well, and your self-effacing attitude is almost comical. 

Clearly you are a bit of a genius. As for your weight, do like me: buy some free weights and use them. Walk and run.

Lets be clear. If you have a good sex life, your wife loves you just the way you are. I think you need to post more, and use us as a sounding board.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The idea of a wife having sex with other men being a turn on to the husband is a fairly common fantasy these days. It's called HotWife and is sort of a variant on swinging. Basically the husband has a high bonding to the wife and finds her sexual response very stimulating. Watching (or just knowing about) activities with another man is both exciting because its kind of like watching "a favorite pronstar" AND because it triggers a competitive sexual response in the husband. It's 100% normal for men to want to immediately have sex with a partner who they suspect has just had sex with someone else. Sperm production goes crazy and there is a strong biological programming to immediately pump competing sperm into her. (Note that the husband can be extremely angry/sad/incoherent about the cheating, but he can also be hard as a rock. It's an intense experience) So when you are have a fantasy about her sleeping with someone else, it is exciting and stimulating to you because of the sexual competiton response it triggers in you.

I believe that when the female spouse is of higher general attractiveness than the male, the male is more likely to find these fantasies coming about. So say if you're a 6 and she's a 9 (just picking numbers at random here), then you're having a fantasy about a male 9 having his way with her. In an odd way its an expression of how you think things "should be". Put another way, you're a beta male having a fantasy about an alpha male having sex with her. I'm sure your fantasy is not about the weedy guy in accouting who has a bad hairpiece screwing her.

Now if you want to persue a Hotwife sort of lifestyle, you can. Many people enjoy it. However let me say this very, very, very clearly. At some point when you go this route, she will have sex with a man that she is more genetically compatible and attracted to, she will bond to him instantly in bed, and on some level she will be gone from you forever. Up to and including divorce, cuckold pregnancy, or physically/emotionally just randomly gone for the rest of your marriage. You will be devastated by this. The fantasy and the reality can be quite different.

Generally I don't advise this lifestyle. My solution to you, is to work on yourself and raise your own attractiveness to her. If you're a 6, get busy and find a way to hit 7. Work out, get some dress sense, work around the home etc. Find a way to do better at work and solve those problems you have there. I think once you start working on these issues, and up your attractiveness and self-esteem, you will find the fantasy of your wife sleeping with other men will fall away.

I'd also suggest cutting out the "cheating wives" sort of pron that you're most likely into. No point feeding that fire.

Stop sending her out clubbing alone for goodness sake. That in and of itself is destorying her attraction to you. You're meant to display some sort of protective male interest and attention to her. Not toss her into the shark pool. There is a good chance she will despise you as a man for that.

The very good news though, is that she did choose you to marry. So she clearly has some sort of basic attraction to you. She's into you more than you know most likely. As odd as it may sound... you very likely have a good genetic match for hers into terms of creating healthy babies. It's very common for cross-ethinc matches to have this effect at work. So you may feel like you're a 6, but the special way you feel to her (and maybe just her) is a 8 or a 9. Don't F that up!

I mean "BigWuss" is your screen name here... _I think I see you problem..._ Start figuring out how to be less of a pure beta male and toss in some alpha male into our mix and you'll be right mate.

You may also like some of my comments on this post... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/9315-ok-time-make-myself-more-desirable-wife.html


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree with the post below. 

I just want to add a question. Are you hoping she will cheat so that you have a justification for indulging YOUR desire to cheat on her? 

If so, the chances of divorce are much much higher. And absent divorce, the odds you will continue to be harmoniously married are low. 



Atholk said:


> The idea of a wife having sex with other men being a turn on to the husband is a fairly common fantasy these days. It's called HotWife and is sort of a variant on swinging. Basically the husband has a high bonding to the wife and finds her sexual response very stimulating. Watching (or just knowing about) activities with another man is both exciting because its kind of like watching "a favorite pronstar" AND because it triggers a competitive sexual response in the husband. It's 100% normal for men to want to immediately have sex with a partner who they suspect has just had sex with someone else. Sperm production goes crazy and there is a strong biological programming to immediately pump competing sperm into her. (Note that the husband can be extremely angry/sad/incoherent about the cheating, but he can also be hard as a rock. It's an intense experience) So when you are have a fantasy about her sleeping with someone else, it is exciting and stimulating to you because of the sexual competiton response it triggers in you.
> 
> I believe that when the female spouse is of higher general attractiveness than the male, the male is more likely to find these fantasies coming about. So say if you're a 6 and she's a 9 (just picking numbers at random here), then you're having a fantasy about a male 9 having his way with her. In an odd way its an expression of how you think things "should be". Put another way, you're a beta male having a fantasy about an alpha male having sex with her. I'm sure your fantasy is not about the weedy guy in accouting who has a bad hairpiece screwing her.
> 
> ...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> I just want to add a question. Are you hoping she will cheat so that you have a justification for indulging YOUR desire to cheat on her?


I suspect his desire to cheat is just your basic male hetrosexual orientation at work. Common signs of this are air going in and out of the lungs, and having a pulse.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

I agree with Atholk. 100%. And also would not recommend delving into the lifestyle. 

Take a step back here. You need to give yourself a little bit of credit here. You're obviously intelligent. You're obviously sane. You seem to be emotionally well put together. Hollywood is full of hard bodies. Let's get to the real world here. MOST people are a bit squooshy around the edges. If your particular squooshiness bothers you, try taking little steps to work on it. Little at a time. My husband and I are both a little bit squooshie around the edges. And now that we're in our 40's it's become incredibly more difficult to get results on dealing with said squooshiness. 

Then, consider this one very important thing here. Your wife's heart is the major player here in a dance made for two. SHE is attracted to YOU. That counts for a big something!!!! Why is she attracted to you? Because you are you! 

Your low self-esteem and the way you were raised. Wow, that sounds like my husband. His parents still want to control everything he does and he's 48! When we decided to move to southern Alberta (they wanted us to move to a different location), they stopped speaking to him for three months. He's never measured up as far they're concerned. For the last 1-1/2 years, they are deeply and probably permanently estranged now. From my view point, I got tired (and angry at the in-laws) of causing his self-esteem tank to the basement after every conversation with them. 

But, back to you. You must convince yourself of this one very solid fact. Here's your reality check. Ready for it? 

She loves YOU. Isn't that amazing? It's wonderful!! She sleeps with YOU. High five! She had kids with YOU. That means, on a molecular level, that female decided you were a solid enough male to permanently reside with, and that you as a man contained the great genetic material required to produce viable quality offspring with. That's getting down to some pretty basic nitty-gritty and I'm quite sure she didn't analyze the situation specifically like that, but from a "physical attraction" point of view, she likes you, she is attracted to you, she loves you, and she is yours. When you're attracted to someone, you're attracted to them. Plain and simple. 

What more can you want? 

I hope you can find ways to build your self-esteem. Start by limiting your interactions with people who drag you down. Second, spend more quality time with your wife. Maybe talk about some fantasy things you can do together? (That don't involve other people). 

There is someone for everyone in this world. In her eyes, you're it. Wow, bud, that says something. She picked you. Because her heart and brain said you were the right one for her. 

Just my two cents.


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## iceman7570 (Nov 10, 2008)

I can only comment on what my wife and I have found that works for us. We enjoy all our time together as much as possible. She is the looker of us, I am not normally considered to be good looking but I am to her and that is all that matters to me.
We have played our "games" ourselves and had loads of fun. We are doing the swing thing now and it is actually pulling us closer together,but what works for one aint too good for another.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

iceman7570 said:


> I can only comment on what my wife and I have found that works for us. We enjoy all our time together as much as possible. She is the looker of us, I am not normally considered to be good looking but I am to her and that is all that matters to me.
> We have played our "games" ourselves and had loads of fun. We are doing the swing thing now and it is actually pulling us closer together,but what works for one aint too good for another.


So why are you here then? 

I think swinging and **** et al can be very exciting for many people. But there is always the risk that someone gets a primal connection with another partner, and then on some level... it's over.


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