# A Baby



## jgamble0007 (Feb 26, 2009)

I have had an extremely STRONG maternal urge that will not go away. My husband is not ready for a baby. Now, I'm not here to find ways to ge him to have a baby because that is wrong. Tricking, misleading or convincing my husband to do something I know he doesn't want to do that alters our lives forever is wrong. We both want kids, but our timing isn't in sync.

How do I deal with this? At first I didn't know how to handle it, and my emotions went wild. Seeing women pop out babies every where isn't eactly helping me either.

I mean I've cried a LOT. And now it feels like a part of me is dying. I'm trying to hold it in and ignor it. It hurts SO much. How do I cope with this? Is there a trick? Pets aren't an option for many reasons for my husband and I(Yes people have actually metioned them as a sub). And the fear that something will happen to my female organs at a young age isn't helping either. My mom, grandmother and aunt have all had FULL hysterectomy's in 20's, 30's and 40's. 

I have approached my husband. I've told him how I feel and my fears. He wishes he could uderstand but he doesn't. I have told him I can't control this, there is no switch for this. He admits he doesn't understand and it hurts to hear him say that. 

How do you ladies deal with this? I have found that my husband wants to wait another 10 years for kids and I only want to wait 5. We discussed kids before marriage but not timing. I don't like to bring it up when it bothers me because I feel like I'm nagging him and I know that can push him away. I didn't expect this to happen and I wish it woud go away so I could be happier. 
Help? Suggestions, comments, advice?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

why does your H say he's not ready for kids? how old are you both?


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Women are most naturally fecund from about 18 to 30. It is much more difficult to get pregnant, and fertility treatment is commonly needed into the 30's. 
Risks for every type of gene and developmental defect goes up over time.

Realize that if he's not ready, that he's not likely to be any help until the child is old enough to be fun, and even then he may choose not to help. (This happened to my sister, it was just her baby.)

As for myself, children are the whole point of life, not an afterthought or an accessory. I would have 20 kids if my wife wanted to.  I don't understand not wanting kids, they are a big sacrifice, but they are what makes life worthwhile. 

If I were you, I would stop taking the pill and tell him that your done filling your body with artificial hormones. Let him be in charge of Birth Control, you have no use for it. 

Fill your entire closet with lingerie. Don't even read books without laying in some semi-suggestive fashion. Figure out 20 new ways to rock his world in bed. Constantly remind him how turned on you get by unprotected sex.  Tell him how it only feels like he's half a man when he can't make a baby inside you, and it makes you see stars when there's a possibility of it.

When your out and you see new dads, let him know how hot it looks to see a man with a baby.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

broo said:


> If I were you, I would stop taking the pill and tell him that your done filling your body with artificial hormones. Let him be in charge of Birth Control, you have no use for it.


Ya, that's what my mom did. And I paid for it.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

How old are you both? Why does your husband not feel ready? Is your urge genuinely and purely about being a mother or are you needing a baby to fulfill something totally unrelated? Would your H be willing to meet with a mediator to discuss timing (if you are willing to wait 5 years, I think that's reasonable - but sounds like he's digging his heels in at 10 ... if you are at minimum 20 years old, that puts you at 30 ... it's not fair of him to make you wait so long given that women's reproduction does begin to decline AND it can honestly be tougher on the body past 30 years old ... I have my first at 31 and second at 33 - not old by any means but it was tough on my body in a way that may not have been at 25. My sister had her first at 24 and she had a much easier time ... not with pregnancy - that's independent of age how you feel while pregnant, but with bouncing back and energy levels once she was chasing her toddler around). High risk pregnancies and other genetic issues do increase past the age of 35 (not 30 as suggested by a previous poster ... so, if you are at least 25, that's another thing to consider if he wants to wait 10 years).

However, if you are very very young and not financially and emotionally ready, that can be difficult also. By "financially ready" though I don't mean that you have to have a fortune squirreled away ... just stable shelter and income that can provide food, clothing, extracurriculars, etc.

As an aside ... a male friend of mine held off his wife on having kids for many years. She was 33 by the time she was pleading to finally have some kids. He divorced her when the moment came. Not because he didn't want kids, but because at the moment of ultimatum, he realized that he didn't want to have kids WITH HER. I'm in NO WAY saying this is the case with your husband ... but pointing out that it happens that way and you should keep it in the back of your mind if your H is truly being irrationally avoidant of having children and you are prepared in every way and old enough that it would make sense to do it soon AND he says he does want kids. On the other hand, some men never feel ready to have children, but do well once the kid is there.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Male perspective here.
I have a friend who’s first marriage ended as a result of his unwillingness to become a parent. He caught a lot of grief over his insistence that he did not want children – and his wife married him knowing his position. From the perspective of his friends, and knowing him, it was impossible for us to fathom why women (notably, *not* his mother) wanted to push this guy into being a dad, when he clearly stated he didn’t want it and wasn’t ready. Had they had children, the marriage would likely have tanked even faster.
Fast forward a number of years, he is settled, remarried, has a job capable of supporting a house and a family. So? He is now a father of four, who unquestionably loves his kids, but requires substantial _alone_ time away from the kids, which his wife begrudgingly gives him.

My point is, know what you signed up for. If he has fears or concerns, discuss them. If he is a selfish bastard, recognize that and what it means for _you_ if and when you do choose to have kids. And it is true, we absolutely cannot relate to that biological urge to have a baby. What we can relate to is that overwhelming biological urge to _make_ one.


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