# My wife doesn't get along with my daughter, this is causing lots of drama



## jay125

So here is the story, i have a 12 year daughter that lives with her mother who i hardly ever get along with after we broke up before my daughter was born. I married my wife about two years ago, she has three kids from a previous marriage who i get along very well with. At the very beginning my daughter started not listening to me or my wife and not getting along with her kids. Her mother i am sure brainwashes her toward us. My daughter's behavior have gotten worse and worse. Not taking my calls, saying she don't care about my wife. My wife try to reason with her and we even went to the other state she lives to talk to her and it blow up in our faces. Her mother started cursing my wife and that was it, ever since that my wife has been pissed and gets upset every time i call my daughter cause says she don't care about taking my calls so why i bother calling her. I try explaining to my wife that she is 12 and my daughter but to her there is no point reaching someone that don't want to be with us. I would love for them to get along better and my family to get better. I have a new daughter with my wife now and i am totally in love with that little one. Any advise would be great by you guys. It would hurt me very much to break up my marriage over my daughter that lives in another state and spends most of her time with her mother to whom i don't even speak to cause she is a moron.


----------



## indiecat

Keep calling your 12 year old, and ask your wife politely to put her on the line. Send 'thinking of you' cards to your daughter. And mail her birthday, Easter and Christmas gifts. 
Why would you break up your current marriage? What good would that do?


----------



## frusdil

Tough situation. You and your wife both need to remember that your daughter is only 12 years old, and is possibly being manipulated by her mother. This isn't her fault. You MUST keep reaching out to her, no matter how many times she pushes you away...keep trying.

Also, remember that your wife is relatively new in her life - and if your ex is badmouthing her too, which it seems she is, given the way she cursed at her that time, the poor girl would be very confused.

You and your wife BOTH need to be understanding, and your wife needs to knock off her "don't call her" attitude...she doesn't have to talk to her if she doesn't want to but she shouldn't stop you trying to.


----------



## Sun Catcher

Try as best you can, as said above keep calling and keep sending cards and appropriate birthday/Christmas gifts. Your daughter will grow up and she will remember that you never gave up. The tables could turn once she is an adult and no longer under the influence of her mother.

Good luck.


----------



## jay125

Thank you so much guys for the great advise. It is a very stressful situation as i love my wife and my daughter. That is what i am trying to make my wife understand that my daughter is a kid. First thing my ex said to my daughter was that my stepdaughter is not her sister. That tells you everything about what kind of woman she is. I pray every single day that this situation gets better.


----------



## jld

Please be firm with your wife that you expect your daughter to be treated with consideration and respect. Model this behavior.


----------



## John Lee

Never give up on your daughter. She might be angry at you, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.


----------



## turnera

Take the high road and show your daughter AND your wife what integrity looks like.


----------



## Dontknowhow2love

Your doing the right thing she is 12 and your daughter keep reaching out to her but don't try to force her into anything. In time she will come around. I went through something simular with my son who was raised by his dad and constant brain washing. He eventually got to an age he had his on eyes to see and his own way of thinking as he got older he knew I loved him because I kept showing him and never gave up. I was remarried at the time too with one step daughter that I treated like my own.


----------



## Malpheous

Curious...

How long between ending things with your daughter's mother and the time you became involved with your new wife?

How old was your daughter when you left her and her mother? 

How old when you became involved again?

How long from the time you became involved to the time you married?

What is your parenting schedule? 

How much time did your wife and daughter have to get to know each other before you married?

Does your wife find herself trying to be your daughter's a.) mother? b.) step-mother? c.) friend?

The answers to these questions may be telling to your situation.


----------



## jay125

Malpheous said:


> Curious...
> 
> How long between ending things with your daughter's mother and the time you became involved with your new wife?
> 
> How old was your daughter when you left her and her mother?
> 
> How old when you became involved again?
> 
> How long from the time you became involved to the time you married?
> 
> What is your parenting schedule?
> 
> How much time did your wife and daughter have to get to know each other before you married?
> 
> Does your wife find herself trying to be your daughter's a.) mother? b.) step-mother? c.) friend?
> 
> The answers to these questions may be telling to your situation.


The time with the mother of my daughter was when i was young and stupid like they said. It was a fling and we broke up before she was born. I was 25 back then. I married my wife after one year of dating but i knew her for three years before. My wife used to take my daughter everywhere with her kids before all the drama started. We had an big argument last night cause my daughter call me late at night. We have a new born now and we try to put her to sleep as much as we can at night. So guess what my ex did, she called my cell at 3am i guess to bother. My wife is livid, i have been calling my daughter but no answer.


----------



## jay125

It just keeps getting worse, my wife says she's done. That she will never get along with my daughter and is best for us to separate. I'm trying to convince her but nothing works. My daughter doesn't call me and my wife says why I even bother looking for her if she don't care about me. I don't even know what else to do.


----------



## Omego

jay125 said:


> It just keeps getting worse, my wife says she's done. That she will never get along with my daughter and is best for us to separate. I'm trying to convince her but nothing works. My daughter doesn't call me and my wife says why I even bother looking for her if she don't care about me. I don't even know what else to do.


Please try to get your wife not to leave. This is EXACTLY what your ex-wife and, by manipulation, your daughter want.

Think about this long-term. Your daughter, when she is older, will probably feel guilty for the break up. 

You need a new plan. Change the phone number and block your ex-wife's calls so she cannot disrupt the family in the middle of the night. Is their anyway you can bypass the ex-wife in order to communicate with your daughter?


----------



## Omego

Also, what about the newborn baby?? Your wife is probably at the end of her rope, between the hostility and stress from your ex-wife and the fatigue of the new baby. This should be a happy time in her life, and she has to deal with this mess.

Try to shield her and calm her down. It would be such a shame to break up the new family you form with your wife and new baby.


----------



## turnera

jay125 said:


> My daughter doesn't call me and my wife says why I even bother looking for her if she don't care about me.


Uh, because she's a CHILD?

You're better off without such a cold-hearted woman. If you didn't have a baby, I'd say walk.

How about you just focus on repairing your relationship with your daughter for a while and enjoy the new baby? Your daughter will only be a child for a few more years and after that, there's no going back and helping to mold her into a happy, healthy adult. Can't you spare that much of your time? She IS your responsibility, after all, you helped create her.

And please remember that, no matter what a CHILD says, she still needs and wants you in her life.


----------



## NextTimeAround

I have 2 friends who were / are second wives for their husbands...... hence, they have had to deal with the fallout from the first wife's wrath even though their relationships started well after the divorce.

Both of them are unapologetic about the fact that their husbands have very little ties to their children because they caused so many problems.

One friend said that her husband made the mistake of continuing visitation with his 14 yo daughter with the wife before he met my friend. The ex wife already had boyfriends of her own. Out of respect to his new partner, he chose to continue visitation with his daughter without the ex wife. But the daughter declined the visitation accusing her father of betraying her mother / his ex wife. 

So I guess, what, ex husbands are not allowed to have a life after divorce with kids?

Continuing a relationship with an errant child seems to bolster the idea that if one causes a big enough tantrum they will get what they want. Remember there are a lot fo children from "in tact" families who suffer from isolation and alienation. Because it's not obvious from the outside, I guess no one can care.

Divorce has become a major part of society. We have child support and visitation, children must learn also from a young age that throwing tantrums are not an effective way to solve a problem.


----------



## turnera

You don't treat a tantrum with abandonment.


----------



## NextTimeAround

turnera said:


> You don't treat a tantrum with abandonment.


What do you propose?


----------



## turnera

Fix his marriage and continue to try to contact his daughter, through calls, letters, texts, whatever. Be the bigger person and show integrity, morals, calmness, and inner peace. Stop letting women walk all over him and set boundaries for BOTH women. Never stop showing his daughter that he loves and wants her; she may not come around now or even in the next few years if her mom's being that manipulative, but she still wants her dad; eventually - IF he continues to try to be in her life - she will see the truth of her situation and be grateful that her dad never gave up on her.


----------



## frusdil

OP, I'm so sorry to hear this, this is really terrible 

I honestly am in shock at your wife's attitude...she's a mother herself...surely she understands why you keep trying to reach out to your daughter??? And now she wants to put 3 children through another divorce??? What????

I feel so sad for you...I don't know what to say...


----------



## jay125

Thanks so much guys for all the great advice, love this site. Well I'm taking it day by day cause is a though situation for sure. Our newborn baby girl is doing great and it would kill me being away from her if my wife decides to finish our marriage. My wife says she just wants the respect she deserves and i understand that knowing I let my ex disrespect my wife and me before. I'm working on rebuilding our marriage with baby steps and staying positive with God ahead. I won't abandon my older daughter and will continue to look for her. I also will say this, us fathers need to discipline our kids and not fall for any gilt trips cause in the long term is for their own good and us.


----------



## jay125

Omego said:


> Please try to get your wife not to leave. This is EXACTLY what your ex-wife and, by manipulation, your daughter want.
> 
> Think about this long-term. Your daughter, when she is older, will probably feel guilty for the break up.
> 
> You need a new plan. Change the phone number and block your ex-wife's calls so she cannot disrupt the family in the middle of the night. Is their anyway you can bypass the ex-wife in order to communicate with your daughter?


I can't, her mother controls all form of communication i have with my daughter and stays by my daughter side when i call. My stress level is an at all time high. Only God knows what i am going through .


----------



## 6301

I feel for you friend. I went through something similar that your dealing with and the outcome, well I'll keep that to myself. I have two daughters too. One from wife #1 and wife #2 and it's like your being torn in half. 

If anything, you should sit down with your daughter and ask her just exactly what her problem is. Let her know that your new wife hasn't treated her bad and is trying but you have to let your kid know that misbehaving, bad mouthing and bad manners is unacceptable. If she gets mad, then so be it but your the parent and she's the kid. One of you have to be in charge and that's you. You can do this without berating or being angry at your daughter but she need to know that bad manners is not going to be put up with. THEN, you give her the chance to hear what she has to say. It's the fair thing and you just might find out why she's acting out. 

As far as your ex goes. I had the same problem and finally told her to shove her attitude and big mouth sideways and mind her own business.


----------



## Catherine602

The problems lay with your ex, your new wife and mostly you. You because you are not getting help in dealing with this complex situation and you are not providing firm leadership in your family. Your daughter is fine, she is acting like a preteen. 

Your wife would be devastated if you D her along with your new daughter, right? Your 12 yr-old child is as much entitled to a father as your new daughter. Please don't give up on her when she needs you most. 

The 3 AM call. Babies don't wake up when a cell phone buzzes. 12 yr-old's can cause trouble but it can be minimized with firm control by adults, right?

The mature thing to have done was to take the call, make it short and don't rise to the bait. Your wife, as your loving partner, should be helping you deal with this not impeding you. Your situation is complex and difficult. You cannot be expected to handle this without cooperation from your spouse and help from family and family therapy. 

You have baby mama drama, new wife drama, a new daughter, 3 step-children and a preteen daughter in another state. Get help form a third party, make it easier on yourself. Don't go it alone. Do you have a pastor?


----------



## Bobby5000

That's nice, there's a problem, and your wife now doesn't care about your daughter. That's simply wrong. The child is having a hard time, is confused, and that's all the more important for you to continue to have a role in her life. A child needs a mother and a father even if they do not live together.


----------



## Catherine602

jay125 said:


> It just keeps getting worse, my wife says she's done. That she will never get along with my daughter and is best for us to separate. I'm trying to convince her but nothing works. My daughter doesn't call me and my wife says why I even bother looking for her if she don't care about me. I don't even know what else to do.


I don't think your wife wants to separate. Don't beg her to stay. Make a plan to get through this and follow through. Speak to your paster, family and trusted friends. 

Reach out for help where ever you can find it. Plan MC. If your wife does nit want to go, go alone and keep the door open for her. 

However, if you and your wife want to stay married, you will have to go through this crisis as a team. The answer is not cruel abandonment to your child. 

How old are her kids and do they offer challenges? What will happen when her kids top through the teen years?


----------



## jay125

Catherine602 said:


> I don't think your wife wants to separate. Don't beg her to stay. Make a plan to get through this and follow through. Speak to your paster, family and trusted friends.
> 
> Reach out for help where ever you can find it. Plan MC. If your wife does nit want to go, go alone and keep the door open for her.
> 
> However, if you and your wife want to stay married, you will have to go through this crisis as a team. The answer is not cruel abandonment to your child.
> 
> How old are her kids and do they offer challenges? What will happen when her kids top through the teen years?


I won't beg her to stay, it will be her choice then. I love her and don't want to separate for nothing but i can't stop her. You guys are the best, thank you to each one of you. My wife kids are 12, 9 and 6. They can be a challenge sometimes when they don't listen but for the most she is on top of them. There can be no other way but for us to get though this together. God will lead us.


----------



## Catherine602

Jay Have you read any books explaining the dynamics of what is going on and suggesting some approaches? 

Knowledge is power and may at lest help you to understand what is going on from each persons point of view. 

It's easy for casual readers to say that your wife and ExW are unreasonable but they don't see it that way.

Its also easy to blame you as I did above but in thinking ablaut it, you are not the blame. 

It's the confluence of factors that were difficult to anticipate. Dealing with a difficult preteen is a very difficult when it's a single problem. 

Do you think continuing to posting on this site helps?


----------



## jay125

Catherine602 said:


> Jay Have you read any books explaining the dynamics of what is going on and suggesting some approaches?
> 
> Knowledge is power and may at lest help you to understand what is going on from each persons point of view.
> 
> It's easy for casual readers to say that your wife and ExW are unreasonable but they don't see it that way.
> 
> Its also easy to blame you as I did above but in thinking ablaut it, you are not the blame.
> 
> It's the confluence of factors that were difficult to anticipate. Dealing with a difficult preteen is a very difficult when it's a single problem.
> 
> Do you think continuing to posting on this site helps?


Thank you Catherine. Books on this topic i haven't get the chance to look yet but i will. Every case is different. In my case the biggest issue for me is that my ex have for the most part never gotten along with me after the break up. My mother says that the way she acts is like she has never gotten over me or is still holding a grudge. I have family members not speaking to me cause of this issue. My own brother said to me that my wife is just that my wife and that my daughter is the one i should be siding with. Is just not that easy when you are married and i believe in marriage and God. I do think posting on this site helps as i see the opinion of different people positive or negative. My wife thank God surprised me yesterday and started talking to me that she really don't want us to break up and that she just gets upset when she sees people not appreciating what i do for them. Hopefully this is the start of good things to come.


----------



## Catherine602

"she just gets upset when she sees people not appreciating what i do for them."

This is good Jay. She loves and respects you and want's your family to respect you. Sounds like you need to set firm boundaries with your ex. If you don't know what they are look it up. 

May I make some suggestions for your consideration?

Perhaps taking control of problem-solving if you have not done so already. Don't wait for your wife to tell you what to do. Let her know what you are doing without asking permission and follow through. It would help your wife to have confidence in your ability to get through this. 

Her confidence in you will make her less anxious and more cooperative. Since she has just had the baby, she probably feels very vulnerable and sensitive right now. You taking charge will be an enormous weight off her back, even if you did not put it there. 

My husband and try to take the team approach to life. We try because it is not easy. Our rules are to have each others backs, and never betray each other.


----------



## frusdil

jay125 said:


> My own brother said to me that my wife is just that my wife and that my daughter is the one i should be siding with.


Your brother is wrong. His attitude will get you nowhere.

I can understand your wife's frustration with your ex, particularly the 3 am phone call. Her placing the blame on you though and blowing up at you for it was the wrong way to handle it.

I agree with Catherine when she said you need to show some leadership - and I say that with absolute kindness and the best of intentions, please know that.

If you don't step up now, your ex wife may well drive your wife away. In the meantime, you might have to turn your mobile to silent and your house phone ringer down overnight - not ideal I know, but it will solve one problem while you put things in place to manage the situation.

The problem isn't your daughter, she's the squeaky wheel, but she's not what's causing the problem.

I highly recommend you read the book "Divorce Poison" by Dr Richard Warshak. It's a real eye opener.


----------



## jay125

Yes you can Catherine and that is a great one. I need to be more firm with my daughter and my ex. People can only do to you what you allowed from them. That is great what you and your husband are doing dealing with everything as a team. Life is not easy and we sure know marriage is not easy, it takes hard work from both sides into becoming one. We will get through this together as a team.


----------



## jay125

frusdil said:


> Your brother is wrong. His attitude will get you nowhere.
> 
> I can understand your wife's frustration with your ex, particularly the 3 am phone call. Her placing the blame on you though and blowing up at you for it was the wrong way to handle it.
> 
> I agree with Catherine when she said you need to show some leadership - and I say that with absolute kindness and the best of intentions, please know that.
> 
> If you don't step up now, your ex wife may well drive your wife away. In the meantime, you might have to turn your mobile to silent and your house phone ringer down overnight - not ideal I know, but it will solve one problem while you put things in place to manage the situation.
> 
> The problem isn't your daughter, she's the squeaky wheel, but she's not what's causing the problem.
> 
> I highly recommend you read the book "Divorce Poison" by Dr Richard Warshak. It's a real eye opener.


Thank you buddy, yeah i told my brother off. He's been living with the mother of his two kids for over ten years and he haven't marry her yet so i am not listening to him. Yes i have been putting my cell phone on silent just in case. Don't worry i don't get offended by you guys saying i need to show more leadership i do need to. I told my wife to get the book so we can read it together. Thank you! looks like a great book. Yeah i need to work on my daughter from all the poison and brainwashing her mother has done to her.


----------



## frusdil

It's a fantastic book, and I guarantee you and your wife will regularly put it down, look at each other and say "oh my god" out loud, lol.

We had a similar problem with my husbands ex wife trying to alienate his daughter from him. I kept saying to him that he needed to do something but he kept thinking it'd be ok on it's own. 

I got the book, read it and then read examples from book to him out loud, followed by a similar example of either his ex wife or his daughter...his jaw dropped.

I booked an urgent appointment with a counsellor who met with us, was concerned enough to call the mother in and then called us all in to meet with her. 

The situation is now repaired...you and your wife can get there too, but you've GOT to pull together and be a united front.

Best of luck and we'll all be here to support you


----------



## jay125

Thank you so much frusdil, my wife and me agreed that we need to be united about this situation and everything! That is the only way to solve problems together. I am glad your husband solved that and is in his daughter's life.


----------



## Catherine602

I am so glad to hear Jay. I have a framed printout our family mission and core values hung in our bedroom as a constant reminder. My husband and I decided on them. 

When one or both of us forgets or we are having a challenging time, I read them over. It's steadies me and gives me the focus to stay the course. 

I wish you and your lovely family God's blessings.


----------



## jld

Catherine602 said:


> I am so glad to hear Jay. I have a framed printout our family mission and core values hung in our bedroom as a constant reminder. My husband and I decided on them.
> 
> When one or both of us forgets or we are having a challenging time, I read them over. It's steadies me and gives me the focus to stay the course.
> 
> I wish you and your lovely family God's blessings.


I love this, Catherine!

I want dh and me to reread Seven Habits of Highly Effective People together, do all the exercises, and discuss them. I think it would just be a wonderful growth opportunity.

Again, just beautiful. What a wonderful example you are to all of us!


----------



## jay125

Catherine602 said:


> I am so glad to hear Jay. I have a framed printout our family mission and core values hung in our bedroom as a constant reminder. My husband and I decided on them.
> 
> When one or both of us forgets or we are having a challenging time, I read them over. It's steadies me and gives me the focus to stay the course.
> 
> I wish you and your lovely family God's blessings.


Thank you Catherine, all the best to you and your family. I truly believe in God and he will guide us. That is a great idea of you guys, core values are very important to keep!


----------



## turnera

jay125 said:


> I won't beg her to stay, it will be her choice then. I love her and don't want to separate for nothing but i can't stop her. You guys are the best, thank you to each one of you. My wife kids are 12, 9 and 6. They can be a challenge sometimes when they don't listen but for the most she is on top of them. There can be no other way but for us to get though this together. God will lead us.


So, let me get this straight. You have one daughter, who your wife will not tolerate, but you are expected to not only tolerate HER 3 kids, but embrace them and also allow her to dis your own kid as well?


----------



## turnera

jay125 said:


> My wife says she just wants the respect she deserves and i understand that knowing I let my ex disrespect my wife and me before. I'm working on rebuilding our marriage with baby steps


What you REALLY need is to learn to be an alpha male and stop letting women run your life. 

Do you understand that women leave men when they stop respecting them?

Have you read NMMNG yet?


----------



## Omego

turnera said:


> So, let me get this straight. You have one daughter, who your wife will not tolerate


I think he said she tried, but that the daughter was extremely hostile (influenced by the mother). 

Anyway, the ex-wife needs to back way off. He needs to first put his foot down on this and stop letting her call at all hours of the night. She's clearly upset that he's built a life with someone (from what I remember, they were not even in a relationship) and not her.....


----------



## turnera

Of course the exwife needs to back off. But that's not the issue here, and he can't control the exwife, can he?

What he CAN do learn stuff like NMMNG and MMSLP so he can create a strong yet loving relationship with his wife where both are equals and she can respect him, not LOSE respect for him by letting her make all the decisions. Women have to respect their men, and if he can't learn to be a strong man who not only won't abandon his oldest child but won't abandon his wife, new child, and HER kids, then there's no hope here.


----------



## jay125

The main problem here IS my ex, instigating things most of the time. She acts like a teenager with all her drama and i have cursed her out lots of time. She has brainwash my daughter to the point of my own daughter saying that she don't care. Through all this drama i haven't stop fighting for my daughter. I am not one of those deadbeat dads that just disappear from their child life for any reason and i won't ever do. My wife respects me and we are much better now thank God. I do consider myself a nice guy and people sometimes mistake nice for weakness in this crazy world.


----------



## turnera

When you're dealing with TWO strong women who expect things from you or want to control you, yes, nice IS weakness.

Have you even read NMMNG yet?


----------



## turnera

jay125 said:


> The main problem here IS my ex, instigating things most of the time. She acts like a teenager with all her drama and i have cursed her out lots of time.


Oh, no, not THAT! You didn't curse her out, did you? Oh, the horror! 

No, jay, the main problem is NOT your ex. The main problem is the common denominator - YOU. It is YOU who needs to learn how to HANDLE this situation. Tell me what 'cursing out' your wife does, in your mind. Does it change her? Does it change your situation? Does it make your daughter take notice and start respecting you as her father? 

No, it doesn't. It proves to both of them that you are weak and to be manipulated.

Are you ready to change that, yet?


----------



## jay125

For some people you have no choice but to curse them out and my ex has back off only to start the drama again for anything. This a situation that we all need to work at it and act like the adults we are.


----------



## turnera

An adult doesn't have to 'curse' someone out. He stands tall, doesn't lower himself to that level, and shows his child that he is an adult and will not be dragged into the mud.

What's your deal, jay? Why are you having so much trouble just acknowledging that you could be taking another path? Is it your habit to just blame everyone else for your problems? Or do you just not understand yet how you can learn and grow? 

We can help you with the latter.


----------



## jay125

turnera said:


> An adult doesn't have to 'curse' someone out. He stands tall, doesn't lower himself to that level, and shows his child that he is an adult and will not be dragged into the mud.
> 
> What's your deal, jay? Why are you having so much trouble just acknowledging that you could be taking another path? Is it your habit to just blame everyone else for your problems? Or do you just not understand yet how you can learn and grow?
> 
> We can help you with the latter.


Yeah easier say than done right, you don't know how many times i have try to get along with my ex for the sake of my daughter. You know what they say misery loves company. We all can learn something new everyday, what is that path you talked about?


----------



## Catherine602

Jay I agree with you about a nice guy. Nice is not weak in my book, weak is weak. But there are some aspects of the "No More Mr Nice Guy" that may be useful for you. 

Many people have problems enforcing limits, they wait until the protagonist is about to step over the line before acting. I have a feeling that you have problems enforcing boundaries. They are dynamic and need constant maintenance. 

It's the way you are and the way you live, your attitude. Any step in the wrong direction, no matter how small is a violation that requires a response. 

If you wait too long, it becomes major drama all of the time. It may be exhausting at first reacting to small transgressions but keep at it and it because who you are and easier. 

My advice stems from living with a man who has mastered the art of maintaining healthy boundaries, my husband. 

Your ex? - all I can say is, be still. Work at decreasing your reactivity to her. When you change and she can't manipulate you and your wife to get a rise, you may be able to extinguish the behavior. She will escalate before she gives up so be prepared. 

May I suggest that you team up with your wife to manage the ex? Don't ask your wife, tell her that you have a plan and you need her help and cooperation for its success. 

Managing your exW will solve a number of problems simultaneously. The issue of your exW showing respect which is important to your wife, decreased drama in that sector, confidence and team building for you and your wife and you show leadership. 

It will not be easy nor a quick solution. You'll probably curse the ex out a few more times before you're done but eventually, you will not let things get close to that point.


----------



## turnera

jay125 said:


> Yeah easier say than done right, you don't know how many times i have try to get along with my ex for the sake of my daughter. You know what they say misery loves company. We all can learn something new everyday, what is that path you talked about?


The path is education. Reading. Attending counseling. Joining group therapy to see how others deal with things. Reading. Writing in forums and listening to the advice. More reading. 

What have you read in the past 12 months about alpha males, parenting, divorced parenting, things like that?

Education is your key out of this, jay.

btw, I never said you had to 'get along with' your ex. I suggested becoming stronger and leading the women in your life. Nothing to do with 'getting along with' them.


----------



## jay125

Thank you Catherine and turnera, you guys both make sense. I am a positive person and always hope for the best but YES i know it has to start with ME. I am all for education and reading. Will order NMMNG soon. When i said trying to get along with my ex i mean trying to open a line of communication cause after all we have a daughter but no she is 32 going on 14.


----------



## frusdil

Catherine602 said:


> Your ex? - all I can say is, be still. Work at decreasing your reactivity to her. When you change and she can't manipulate you and your wife to get a rise, you may be able to extinguish the behavior. She will escalate before she gives up so be prepared.
> 
> May I suggest that you team up with your wife to manage the ex? Don't ask your wife, tell her that you have a plan and you need her help and cooperation for its success.


This is dead on. Especially the escalation before she accepts the situation.

My hubby and I teamed up to manage his ex. With my hubby, he was reluctant to enforce too much because there was parental alienation going on and he was fearful of more damage being done to his relationship with his daughter. After we saw the counsellor though, he realised that he couldn't let it go on. So we teamed up.

I'm now always around when the ex does drop off and often I take the little person back to her mothers myself or go with the two of them when hubby takes her. The ex won't start anything in front of me. Why? Because she's a bully, plain and simple. I don't tolerate bullies and I stand up to her - in a non confrontational way, I am calm but determined. It drives her CRAZY! :smthumbup:

When she sends hubby bossy emails telling him how things are going to be, he doesn't respond until she resends it in a more polite tone. If it's something urgent I respond with a that's fine but we will be going X at whatever time so Y will happen then. 

She doesn't call the shots anymore. She knows hubby and I are a team and that if she has an issue threats and tantrums won't work. She needs to put her big girl pants on, behave like a grown up and talk to us about it.

We actually have quite a cordial relationship now. Took a while and was very frustrating but it's worth it, the little person is very happy and she's who matters the most


----------



## mikealone

jay125 said:


> So here is the story, i have a 12 year daughter that lives with her mother who i hardly ever get along with after we broke up before my daughter was born. I married my wife about two years ago, she has three kids from a previous marriage who i get along very well with. At the very beginning my daughter started not listening to me or my wife and not getting along with her kids. Her mother i am sure brainwashes her toward us. My daughter's behavior have gotten worse and worse. Not taking my calls, saying she don't care about my wife. My wife try to reason with her and we even went to the other state she lives to talk to her and it blow up in our faces. Her mother started cursing my wife and that was it, ever since that my wife has been pissed and gets upset every time i call my daughter cause says she don't care about taking my calls so why i bother calling her. I try explaining to my wife that she is 12 and my daughter but to her there is no point reaching someone that don't want to be with us. I would love for them to get along better and my family to get better. I have a new daughter with my wife now and i am totally in love with that little one. Any advise would be great by you guys. It would hurt me very much to break up my marriage over my daughter that lives in another state and spends most of her time with her mother to whom i don't even speak to cause she is a moron.


Parental alienation is child abuse


Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting Awareness - Emotional and mental child abuse


----------



## onedge

I am going to stick up for your wife just slightly here and only as a possible explanation to her attitude of why keep trying.

My daughter tends to speak to me with a disrespectful tone. The more people or public, the worse she is. When I call her on her her behavior, she will argue back with me. My husband will sometimes get involved but only to say both of you knock it off. He will only say things to her if I force him too. 

This has really caused me to feel resentment towards him. I feel abandoned because instead of being my partner in parenting he has made our daughter above me. Before anyone points the finger that children have to be a priority...I agree. I am not jealous and think it is great my daughter can have the daddy's little girl relationship with him. I just feel when your spouse is being disrespected in front of you that you stand up to it...even if it's your child. This does create a trust issue in the marriage eventually.


----------

