# Pressure to have a BABY!



## TheProfessor

My wife and I are both in our mid 30’s, and we have known each other since we were seniors in high school. With the exception of a two-year period of separation that occurred when we were both 22 years old, we have always been together. After years and years of being “engaged,” my wife and I finally decided to get married in 2008. Now, after almost three years of marriage, I oftentimes find myself wondering if getting married was the best decision we could have made. 

I have known my wife for almost half of my life, so I believe she will always have a place in my heart. However, I am starting to feel as though I am not deeply in love with her like I once was. We are constantly arguing about (((pick an issue and we’ve argued about it))), and we rarely see eye-to-eye on things that truly matter. In an effort to avoid standing on a proverbial “soapbox” while going on a tangent, I will limit this posting to the latest issue and how I am feeling about it. I have never been the type to seek counseling and/or advice from those outside of my circle of trust, but things have escalated to a point to where I have been feeling an increasingly high amount of anxiety, frustration, resentment and depression. I recognize this is not beneficial to my long term mental and physical wellbeing, but I can honestly say that I don’t know what else to do.

The latest issue stems from an ongoing argument that relates to bringing a child into our marriage. She wants to have a baby [right now], and I don’t. She has been on birth control pills since high school, and she rarely expressed any interest in having children. In fact, she once told me that she never wanted to have kids. Although I disagreed with her decision to not have children when we were younger, I loved her enough to respect her decision. Now that she is 34 years old and has certain fears about her biological clock running out of time, she “all of a sudden” wants to have a baby.

With all of the issues that have been plaguing our marriage, I do not believe [right now] is the best time for us to have a child. While I can understand and appreciate her biological concerns, I cannot ignore the possibility of bringing a child into a potentially unstable home. I have expressed my reluctance to having another baby on numerous occasions, but all of my concerns have fallen on deaf ears. Her rebuttal to my “We should wait” argument is always, “We’ll work it out!”

With all of the financial and emotional detachment issues going on in our marriage, sex with my wife has become something that is not very enjoyable to me. Over the past year and a half, we have been intimate maybe twice per month on average, and those instances were nothing to write home about. Ninety percent of our sexual encounters occur in the middle of the night when I am half asleep, and they never last more than 15 minutes. On the surface, it seems as though I have the sex drive of a 70 year old man. However, that couldn’t be any less accurate. In reality, I spend 95% of my days feeling a great deal of sexual frustration. I just don’t feel that connection for and/or with her.

To make a long story short, my wife and I had one of our typical “unconscious quickies” last night, and I just discovered that she has been lying about taking her birth control pills. I don’t know how to handle or accept her conscious decision to deceive me, nor do I know how to handle her blatant disrespect for my feelings on an issue as important as bringing an “unwanted” child into the world. The fact that I just typed “unwanted” may seem mean or harsh to some, but I would be lying if I said that I wanted to have a child with my wife. We have so many other things to “work out,” and adding a brand new baby into the mix will make things that much more difficult for all involved. 
Because of this damn recession, I was forced out of my previous industry where I made a good income. I recently started with a new company (commission) and I am still trying to get my income back to the level where I can pay down debt and monthly bills. In addition to that, I am enrolled in full-time coursework that’s required for me to obtain my degree at the university. Needless to say, I do not need the added pressures of a newborn [right now].

I am trying to figure out what’s worse: Being lied to about taking the birth control pills or the blatant disrespect for my views and feelings as it relates to having a baby. This is precisely what I mean when I say I feel myself growing further apart from her. Her career provides her with a good and stable income, and she has already mentioned that she wants “a baby to for her more than anything else. Someone to love her for her.”

Advice and opinions are welcomed.


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## needadviceplease

What a terrible situation! A baby should be a shared decision since it requires two committed partners to raise a child. You are absolutely right that you shouldn't bring a child into a marriage that may be falling apart. It's not fair to the child, and the added stress of a baby will likely end your marriage if it's already teetering.

Your wife is essentially choosing a baby over your marriage, by going behind your back and being dishonest about such a major decision. She is showing a lack of respect for your choice in the matter. It may be that she wants to end the marriage but is afraid to do it in a direct way, so she is acting this way to force you to end it for her. 

Have a frank talk and ask her why she lied to you about birth control. Would she really want a future as a single mother? Would she prefer to find a more suitable partner and have a child with him instead? It could be that your marriage needs to end, for both of you to be able to live the lives you want.

Above all, remember that you do have options and you don't have to feel so trapped. If you think you would be happy in a life where you raise children with her, by all means, go to counseling and work on your problems and stick it out. But if you have major misgivings now, they will probably get worse with time. Do your family a favor and end the marriage before children become involved.


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## FirstYearDown

needadviceplease said:


> What a terrible situation! A baby should be a shared decision since it requires two committed partners to raise a child. You are absolutely right that you shouldn't bring a child into a marriage that may be falling apart. It's not fair to the child, and the added stress of a baby will likely end your marriage if it's already teetering.
> 
> Your wife is essentially choosing a baby over your marriage, by going behind your back and being dishonest about such a major decision. She is showing a lack of respect for your choice in the matter. It may be that she wants to end the marriage but is afraid to do it in a direct way, so she is acting this way to force you to end it for her.
> 
> Have a frank talk and ask her why she lied to you about birth control. Would she really want a future as a single mother? Would she prefer to find a more suitable partner and have a child with him instead? It could be that your marriage needs to end, for both of you to be able to live the lives you want.
> 
> Above all, remember that you do have options and you don't have to feel so trapped. If you think you would be happy in a life where you raise children with her, by all means, go to counseling and work on your problems and stick it out. But if you have major misgivings now, they will probably get worse with time. Do your family a favor and end the marriage before children become involved.


:iagree::iagree: Listen to this member. She/he is very smart.

A lot of women only get married so that they can become mothers. They use their husbands as sperm donors and then wonder why the hubbies aren't enthusiastic about raising unwanted children. There is nothing callous about not wanting to be a parent-my husband and I do not want any kids!

Lying about birth control is something that manipulative women have been doing for years. I love to see when the men leave mothers like this, because the women deserve to be single parents if they trapped some poor dude. A single mom tried to do that to my younger brother; he finally got wise to her BS and left the ghetto heifer. :smthumbup: My brother is a great parent, especially to the first child that isn't even his. He still left that calculating beyotch though. 


I was a nanny when I was younger and one family stuck out in my mind; it was a 21 year old guy with a 24 year old woman. When I saw them interact, it was easy to see that the older woman lied about her birth control and became pregnant secretly. The young man was very henpecked. Which 21 year old guy wants to be tied down with a baby? Years passed and they had another child....guess what? I found that mother on FB and the guy finally left her. She was such pompous fool, just because she had a child, she thought she knew everything. :rofl:


I would leave if I were you. Your wife only cares about her own goals.


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## Blanca

I'm feeling pressured by my H to have a baby, too. I empathize with him but it's just not a good time for me. I think it's important to keep asserting what is right for you but not to try and change what is right for her. 

It's terrible that she lied about birth control. But you can also always wear a condom or abstain from sex with her.


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## FirstYearDown

Blanca, did you and your husband agree not to have a child before?


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## Blanca

I told him I didnt want kids when we were dating. He got upset about it but he came back. I dont know that we ever formally agreed. Currently I'm undecided on the issue.


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