# Am I crazy?



## TheSwan (Jun 11, 2015)

Hello,
This is my first post on any site like this. I am 26 years old. I grew up 3 houses away from my wife. We met for the first time when we were 12, were best friends immediately, and have been dating/engaged/married since we were about 19.

I have a pretty direct question. If details are needed please ask for them. 

We were happy. She cheated on me (sexting, and everything but actually ***king him) lasting about a month, starting 4 months ago. I wanted to leave, she asked me to stay and work on it, and I did. 
She kept coming up with excuses to not work on stuff, which bothered me. Either "only with a therapist" (the idea of which she knows I hate), but when I agreed it was "not during this time", and then etc etc. 

Eventually we had a big fight 2 months into it and she said we need to file for divorce. We went to a therapist right before this, his advice worked for a while, and then due to our own frustration we had this fight. 

I said no, she said yes etc etc. 

The day after she left our home she started back up with this other guy. That was 2 months ago. During this time she has led me on in many ways, and I feel like a chump to be honest.

I think I am half typing this out to just say it, so I am sorry if I am wasting anyone's time, but we are getting a divorce and I can't help but feel like even though she is being so cruel, that it is inevitable that she is going to quickly realize she has made a mistake. My friends tell me to just give her space and wait, but I don't think that I will be able to forgive her if she continues down this path. 

Any insight at all would just be awesome. I do not think about much else.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

If she has gotten back together with this POS after your split, you can now rest assured she has already 'continued down this path' into making it a full on PA.

Expose the A to both your families and all friends, file for D immediately, and refuse any communication with her about anything except D.

You are better off without her....consider yourself lucky that you discovered what a traitorous and unloving partner she is BEFORE you had kids or had decades invested in the M.

Kick her to the curb.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK so you seem to have missed a bit out in the middle.

You suddenly went from *"We were happy"* to *"She cheated on me (sexting, and everything but actually ***king him) lasting about a month, starting 4 months ago." *

This was after being together/married for 7 years! What happened ? There is a lot to be said for theories regarding the 7 year itch!

Also why did you think she did not sleep with him the first time round? 

At 26 years, she is not some teenager - why would she not have slept with him if she was that attracted to him ? 

She certainly doesn't seem to have any boundaries or morals that would stop her. 

What proof do you have and how did you find out about the affair in the first place ? 

Was she sorry she got caught or truly remorseful (how would you know this)?

It sounds like she never broke it off and just played along keeping you as plan B for security and took the affair deep underground. 

And you just rug swept the whole matter. She didn't really face any consequences whatsoever for what she did.

So it was bound to explode in your face and was just a matter of time before it resurfaced.

And I hope you don't think that this time round it hasn't got physical.

The answer to your question is no, you are not crazy!

The main question is what are you going to do about it ? First of all secure any proof you have of the first and the current discoveries.

Then get your financial ducks in a row. Do you have kids ? If so then also get your custody rights ducks in a row.

Then expose this far and wide - family, friends, the POSOM's wife/gf, employers (if they work together - more on this later) and make sure that all understand that this was her wrong doing not yours.

Do the 180 to help you heal and also take care of yourself physically - exercise, gym, new clothes, haircut etc. Find new things to do and only engage with her on matters of the house etc.

Prepare your documents and file for D - decide later when to have her served, but get the ball rolling.

And do not make the mistake of engaging her too early, begging, suggesting that you may be ready to reconcile (until you see certain actions from her) etc. Do not look at her as the person you originally married. She is a totally different person (disrespectful, lying, cheating etc) - she may always have been this person and it took this long for you to see the true version.

Be ready to walk away from this farce of a marriage.

Take care.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

So sorry for your situation. Look up the 180 and apply it. It is not to win her back. It's to help you cope. I agree with the others divorce her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TheSwan said:


> Hello,
> This is my first post on any site like this. I am 26 years old. I grew up 3 houses away from my wife. We met for the first time when we were 12, were best friends immediately, and have been dating/engaged/married since we were about 19.
> 
> I have a pretty direct question. If details are needed please ask for them.
> ...


It appears you stayed and try to work on it but she never really cut ties with the OM.
You are right to proceed with the divorce because it looks like she has taken you for granted and would possibly do the same thing again. Who asked for the divorce?

If the affair fog hasnt lifted by now, then I don't think it will and I doubt you could trust her again. Is she younger than you?

It sounds like you guys got committed far too young and she wants to experience life a bit more. Although this probably really really hurts, it will get better with time and you are so young. Young enough to live your life for a while and meet someone who will treat you with the love and respect your deserve for the rest of your life.

Focus on yourself, get IC and move one. Good luck!


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You married her too young. You have no children. You are only 26. You get a do-over after learning some major life lessons.

And you're only 26.

You are the luckiest man alive. You are my hero.

Do not waste this great gift. Let this mistake go and find someone who will cherish you for the rest of your life.

And you're only 26. Your whole life ahead of you. Such a lucky man.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

As sad as this is, better now than after years for you to find out her lack of character. You would only be crazy if you stayed. Marriage is a contract...fidelity, unless otherwise specified by both of you is a part of that contract...by cheating she broke that contract. Now, it is time to move forward, get support from family and friends and take care of yourself. Yes, you will grieve, and you will feel betrayed and despondent, but you will survive and you will be ok.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your friends are dumb. File for divorce ASAP.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Your friends are dumb. File for divorce ASAP.


Agree 100 percent. And please, please, do not have sex with her again. If she gets pregnant your simple situation becomes a quagmire.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EVG39 said:


> Agree 100 percent. And please, please, do not have sex with her again. If she gets pregnant your simple situation becomes a *quagmire*.


...and not in a good way...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheSwan said:


> Hello,
> This is my first post on any site like this. I am 26 years old. I grew up 3 houses away from my wife. We met for the first time when we were 12, were best friends immediately, and have been dating/engaged/married since we were about 19.
> 
> I have a pretty direct question. If details are needed please ask for them.
> ...


She has lead you on as you are plan B if plan A does not work out. Don't be plan B. Continue on with the D. Yes, the likelihood of of your STBXW realizing she has made a mistake and the new OM taking a walk it will be too late for her. It is new and fun but that won't last. 

Plan on implementing the 180. Get yourself sorted in the D. You deserve better.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Her affair never ended. She took it underground after you first discovered it. That is why she never was able to participate in saving the marriage. It would have been cheating on her boyfriend to do so! This was a PA before she left the home.

You cannot NICE her into coming back and/or loving you. Your best move is to work on improving yourself and moving forward into a new life. File for divorce and get the process rolling.

Things may change in the future, but for now she is in love with and has been banging the other man. You're just not on her radar as a husband or lover.

Beware her coming back suddenly when her new man dumps her. It is common for the cheater to be dumped by the lover when the divorce starts being real, and then the cheater gets scared about being alone and losing the benefits their spouse provided.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TheSwan said:


> She cheated on me (sexting, and everything but actually ***king him) lasting about a month, starting 4 months ago. I wanted to leave, she asked me to stay and work on it, and I did.


 She is a proven liar as she did the affair behind your back. When cheaters say that they did "everything but actually ***king", it means they did everything including ***king, but that they know that you do not have hard proof of the ***king. 



TheSwan said:


> She kept coming up with excuses to not work on stuff, which bothered me.





TheSwan said:


> Eventually we had a big fight 2 months into it and she said we need to file for divorce.





TheSwan said:


> The day after she left our home she started back up with this other guy.


 The excuses were because she was not really willing to commit to you as she already had someone else. The fight was a set up, if it was not one thing it would have been something else, because she had decided to leave leave you for her lover. 



TheSwan said:


> That was 2 months ago. During this time she has led me on in many ways, and I feel like a chump to be honest.


 She led you on to keep you as a backup plan. You allowing this knowing that she was with the other man, makes you "a chump to be honest".

With no children to bond you, the fact that she left you to be with her affair partner, means that you should not try to fix this as it will never be the same. Move on and find someone else that is real marriage material and would never think to be a liar and a cheat. Expose the affair to family and friends (you need the support in dealing with this) and then move on. I am sorry that you are here, but thankful that you found out who she really was before you had children with her.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You married her too young. You have no children. You are only 26. You get a do-over after learning some major life lessons.
> 
> And you're only 26.
> 
> ...



This!! Do not squander this opportunity. Doesn't matter how long you have known her. She has shown you that you never really knew her at all. Divorce her, and move on to a better life.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She's burning the candle at both ends and in the process making a fool out of you. Get a lawyer and get out of the marriage. Don't look back and if she tries to convince you to take her back and you agree then it becomes your fault for what ever happens. Your still a young man and you'll find the right person in time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who is her boyfriend, do you know him? Is he married?

Since there are no kids there is really no reason to try and reconcile. Her actions tell you everything you need to know about her.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Move on S, taking her back or being her plan b, will lower you even more in her eyes.

Here's the real, she did the expected of her with the relationship and marriage bit, because that's what is expected.
Now that the reality of everyday married life is here, she finds she's feeling she was wrong and missed out.
She wants the thrill of new romance, but the security of the marriage as backup, and if you even consider taking her back she will wear your manhood around her ankle from now on.

As for the "suppose" friends, brother you need new ones. I don't know if they mean well, or just love having something to snicker about behind your back.

These people have given you some very good advice from YEARS of helping, so please pay attention to what they are saying.
There is nothing tying you to except a piece of paper, so from here forward let all the talking be between the lawyers.
You don't need her lies, you're seeing by her actions. Believe her and 180 now. Just go COMPLETELY dark. As said, this is for you, not to win her back.
Why would you after this PUBLIC humiliation.

Really sorry you have to go thru this, but you get what many here wish they had. A REAL do over.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry she tricked you into a short lived false R. 

No kids file for D and move on. Get it going as quick as you can. 

Do not be so sure that it was not a PA back then or during your false R. Get tested for stds. Take care of your health. 

Thankfully you have no kids. 

If posom has a significant other please let that person know so an informed choice can be made by all involved.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

should she show up and cry on your shoulder one evening. Do not have unprotected sex with her. you do not want to get her pregnant now.


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## TheSwan (Jun 11, 2015)

Hey,
I really appreciate all of the responses. Honestly I didn't want to include all of everything at first because I did not know if anyone would really have anything to say. Thank you all. I have done my best to include a few details, based on questions asked:

"This was after being together/married for 7 years! What happened ? There is a lot to be said for theories regarding the 7 year itch! Also why did you think she did not sleep with him the first time round?
At 26 years, she is not some teenager - why would she not have slept with him if she was that attracted to him ?"
What happened was just life stuff, and I should of noticed it more at the time. I am done taking responsibility for stuff in the recent past here, but I am also big enough to admit that we both stopped "trying" a little bit before this all started. We got married, and six months later started buying our first house, bought the house, and 7 months after that she started her first year of Law School. 
I chose to sort of pause my career so that we would have time to spend together, which created this awkward situation where I would be jealous of the fact that I stopped something I love for her and neither of us thought about the fact that its bloody law school and obviously is going to take up more time, so there was no point in it. She saw jealousy as resentment etc etc. 
In a nutshell that is what drove to the "issues". I would make snarky comments, she would withdraw, and then vice-versa. 


"What proof do you have and how did you find out about the affair in the first place ?"
Oldest story ever, I am sure. She was in shower, her phone starts going off. I pick it up, tell friend she is in shower, call ends and there is a picture of her messing around with herself sent to this guy. I proceeded to torture myself by reading all of it and then immediately called her out on it. 

Was she sorry she got caught or truly remorseful (how would you know this)?
I believe that she really was sad. She said things in ways that just even now seemed so genuine, which is partially why the situation after the fact confuses me so much. She did all the typical "I'm sorries". I told her I could not trust her, and that if she ever spoke to this guy again it would be over. I even went as far to tell her she could have a 30 minute phone conversation with him the next day explaining, just so there would be no second thought in my head if they ever had contact again. 


"It sounds like she never broke it off and just played along keeping you as plan B for security and took the affair deep underground."
I monitored her messages for about 3 weeks (in hindsight a bad idea, as there is no trust in absolute certainty), and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that for the time she was living in the house and at least pretending to make an effort, she was not in communication with him.

"And you just rug swept the whole matter. She didn't really face any consequences whatsoever for what she did."
I would have to agree with you. Especially because I did exactly what I wish I wouldn't of when she started to get "fed up with me". I did my share of begging and rationalizing and all that crap and it became me asking her to stay. Eventually, we had a huge fight, I said some pretty nasty crap, and the next day she showed up saying we need a divorce. The focus point at this time was that she couldn't focus on this and her law finals at the same time. When she left I was in shock and just kinda agreed to it and she told me not to contact her. I immediately needed (for myself) to just let her know that I would let her focus on tests, but that at tha point in time I did not actually want a D. Wrote a nice note, she got it, and I did not get served. For 3 weeks I sat around thinking she was trying and then 3 weeks after that thinking she was thinking about it.
Not a lie, a freak anomoly occurred. I went to switch my cell service, and for some reason her phone was still on the account, which gave me the current proof (4 days ago) that from the day she walked out she was sexting with this guy again. 



"Then expose this far and wide - family, friends, the POSOM's wife/gf, employers (if they work together - more on this later) and make sure that all understand that this was her wrong doing not yours."
Do you have a reccomendation on how to do this? I have records and pictures but I don't want to "go to far".

Additional Notes:
She asked for the Divorce.
Unfortunately I did my share of begging.
The ********* is almost 40 years old, married, with three daughters. And that is the part that kills me, because I know the three girls very well and they are just so innocent in all of this. 
Also, the last contact I had with my wife (which will be the last) it became clear that she is for all intensive purposes, acting kind of dillusional. Aside from the actual situation, she believes that what she is doing is not wrong. Her response to me was "we are just flirting" and "I told you and him I do not want a relationship now" and etc. 
It is more like my wife is dead and there is this ghost of her around, and IDK I don't want to but I hate that if she dropped everything and came back I don't think I would have it in me to say no. 

Thank you in advance for any input.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You need to get a divorce.
And whatever else you do, DON'T GET HER PREGNANT!!!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

TheSwan said:


> Hello,
> The day after she left our home she started back up with this other guy. That was 2 months ago. During this time she has led me on in many ways, and I feel like a chump to be honest.


Here's the thing Dawg. Your friends telling you to just give it time and hang in there know nothing about women other than maybe climbing on and going at it. Your comment, "We were happy" in reality was, "I was happy;she wasn't". If she were happy and had a requisite level of romantic interest in you, she wouldn't have used the fight as an opening to get you out of the picture so she could take up with the other guy, the man she's really interested in. Rest assured she's been screwed blued and tattooed by this guy.
You need move on, complete the divorce, and stay away from her before she saddles you with a kid who is yours only by the fact of residency and support. Believe me the last thing you want is supporting her with little or no benefits, (if you know what I mean) and some other guys kid with your last name.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

TheSwan said:


> The day after she left our home she *started back up* with this other guy.


Friend, she didn't just start back up with this guy; she never stopped cheating. During that period you became her plan B, until she finally pulled the trigger and left. She still thinks you are. Even worse, it seems like you would accept that.

She needs to understand that you won't be anyone's plan B. 

Don't talk to her again unless absolutely necessary. Detach from her. Separate your finances. Start the divorce process. Stay busy. Exercise. Get counseling if you need to.

Don't expect her to turn around. But in the unlikely event she appears to; come back here for more advice on what remorse looks like. Because I'm doubtful hers would be real.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would take all the information you have and give to the OM wife...don't even think twice...its not about getting your wife back it is about making sure that his wife knows so she can make her own decision as you have. make copies i would also tell her parents because what you don't want happen is that she goes to her parents and blames you.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

One thing is for sure, if you "give her space", she's going to be in bed with this other dude. It is highly possible that after she's had her idiotic fling, she'll she the other guy is a jerk, and she's a stupid girl. Then, she may want you back.

If you don't give her space, she'll just ride you until you agree to it.

So, do you want to deal with a cheater? She'll get used, so will you.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I NORMALLY SAY TO EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE TO THE WIFE OF THE OM. 

However, I think you should just get a divorce. Time will heal whatever emotional bond
you have with your cheater wife. No kids.......RUN.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's the deal, man. You need to let her go.

Take every piece of evidence you have and set it aside for now. Backed up all nice and safe and not in the house.

Draw up as amicable arrangement as you can, being aware that you're fighting uphill given she's going to law school. Also beware that she may come back begging if and when the other guy dumps her.

When she signs the paper freeing the both of you, take your evidence and send it all to the other man's wife. She deserves to know.

And then sally forth and be happy, man. I was in a very similar situation as you, except she just walked out the door and didn't tell me about the BF.

I ended up happier, better off, and had a whole lot of ****s and giggles before I settled down again. You'll be alright, man.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

I agree with everyone here man, sorry but she has been sleeping with him long before you caught her sexting. She is only stringing you along in case this man does not work out then she has you to fall back on.

If you don't have kids kick her to the curb don't text call or ever talk to her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Your 26 
your still a kid
your 26
No kids
Your 26 
Get out
Your 26 
Don t get her pregnant
Your 26 
listen to the guys here

And don't forget no matter how bad it all seems (and it must seem like hell) you've loads of good stuff in front of you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Given her state of mind, I agree with Marduk. Move quickly to get as easy a divorce as possible right now. Then expose everything to OM's wife. She deserves to know the truth so she can protect herself and her kids.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> She is only stringing you along in case this man does not work out then she has you to fall back on.


As bad as it is, it makes sense. Why not have two stooges at your disposal? If the shoe were on the other foot, and this old boy had two women, both willing to put up with this crap, who could blame him?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK Swan, as others here are telling you, this never stopped.

I am not even sure that you are correct in that there was resentment etc etc blah blah.

She met this guy and he wanted some of her - she reciprocated and the rest is history. All this tells you is that she is not and never has been marriage material.

Her priorities are

1. Her law degree/law school
2. Screwing around with this guy (with no commitment)
3. Possibly screwing around with other guys as time goes on
4. Not getting bogged down with marital boredom and commitments
5. You as a financial provider and stability till the end of her degree

She is not looking for commitment from a partner hence this older guy being married is perfect for her. I would be very curious to hear how they met and continued to meet.

The affair never ended because it didn't have to (quite simple really) - given what I said above, why would it. What I am curious about is how does she expect to support herself now with you out of the picture - is she going to hit you for alimony to support her degree ? If so, she probably thinks she has this all planned out so make sure you make her life a living hell going forward.

OK after you consult an attorney and secure your finances etc, here is what you need to do.

First of all completely destroy the POSOM - tell his wife asap. This will put an end to your WW's (and POSOM's) fun and games. You asked how to do this - get hold of and secure any evidence you have. I hope you copied the sex texts and pictures to him that you found on her phone. Then get hold of his wife (you say you know the family) without any warning to anyone and show them to her and tell her what is going on. Don't rely on emailing her because he may already be intercepting her mail. If he is forewarned, he will tell her that you are some psycho jealous husband and that your wife is leaving you for that reason. Also ask her if she noticed anything funny - she probably has and you may be confirming her suspicions.

Next make sure all of your and your WW's families know what is going on. Show them the proof if necessary.

File for divorce and have her served asap. Do the 180 and only communicate with her in very terse terms and only to do with the divorce.

Work on improving yourself and as soon as she signs her part of the divorce papers concentrate on rebuilding your life - go out and make new friends (your existing ones seem to be lame).

Do not hesitate or weaken - especially if she comes back begging. The only thing that you should tell her is that you would like a complete confession with all details as to what really has been going on (with the possibility of her needing to take a poly to back this up) and that is the only basis on which you would even consider talking to her (this is for your own sake more than anything else). Also this should not guarantee a reconciliation or anything of the kind.

And do not think for one second that this hasn't been physical. They both have been disrespectful and have been lying to you all along.

Start picturing a much better life without her down the road.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You grew up 3 houses away from your wife.

Sadly, your wife didn't grow up.

She's stuck at a very naughty age 16.

Divorce seems the best, most sensible option. Sorry.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Divorce ASAP. 

Don't get her pregnant. She'll eventually come along and try to reset the Plan B hook. 

Is she going to law school on loans? If it's not a top-tier school, it will be a financial disaster. Six figure debt and a terrible job market for lawyers. That debt can't be discharged in bankruptcy. She will expect you to make enough to bail out her poor decision. You'll not be able to own a home until you're in your late 40s. 

No kids. Unstable and disloyal W. Lawyer wannabe. You can dodge a lot of bullets and upgrade if you D and don't look back.

Expose to friends and family. Don't "tell on her". Expose what's going on and ask for support. Expose to the OMW; she deserves to know.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You say you don't know if you would be able to refuse her coming back ??

OK, picture this. She finished school, got a good job and dumps you. Or better yet, after getting the job, and a few years pass, you feeling it's time for kids. SURPRISE !!!! She leaving you now that her job is secure. She has more important things to do than give up her career for full time motherhood.

My man, she has showed you who and what she is, why won't you believe her?
If school is keeping her from committing to the marriage now, do you have any idea how hard it will be trying to get her to work on it after starting a new job in a tough field??
Are you willing to wait around for years just to repair THIS damage?

Well let's see. You wait around, she's lost all respect for you, there are these go getter guys working with her, and you know she will cheat.
All top of all that, you also have your issues of her doing what she wants, but you not being able to continue your education.
Now seriously, what chance do you really give this??

You get a DO OVER !!! Get her gone, and get that degree you wanted.

Oh, and let's get to the "only flirting."
Seriously ??? Two grown people?? 
With access, and opportunity?? Whom she is so comfortable with, that she is not worried about him showing it to his buddies, or putting on the net, and she wants you to believe that's all it is. She's not concerned with feelings of shame seeing him in person, BUT, she wants you to believe that's all it is.
Then there's you, really wanting to keep drinking the koolaid.
Sorry S, it's time to end this.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

TheSwan said:


> My friends tell me to just give her space and wait, but I don't think that I will be able to forgive her if she continues down this path.
> 
> Any insight at all would just be awesome. I do not think about much else.


Your friends think that's what you want to hear but they know you shouldn't even consider getting back together. She's not good for you and now there's way too much water under the bridge. Your right that she'll probably try to re connect. It's kind of the normal pattern. When you consider that having two men wanting her has inflated her ego then it makes sense that when that inflation goes away she'll start second guessing herself. The important part is that being cheated on will often deflate an ego and make you vulnerable if she does come back. Don't let that happen man. You didn't deserve what she's done to you and there are a lot of girls and women out there who would never do it to you. Focus on staying busy and wait for one of those girls.


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## vpwhite2770 (Jul 26, 2013)

EVG39 said:


> Agree 100 percent. And please, please, do not have sex with her again. If she gets pregnant your simple situation becomes a quagmire.


Ditto, excellent advice there!


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Dude. You are not crazy! She is.

You can't fix her. Sorry you are here.


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## May1968 (Dec 16, 2014)

Not that it matters at this point, but I cannot believe once a married person strays and has any physical relationship with someone other than their spouse, they went all the way. Once married no one will just stop at first or second base when they can get it all at home.

Also, going to law school is expensive. Don,t help her get that degree just so she can leave you once she gets it. It won't get any better once starts hanging around with lawyers.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I can absoulutely assure you she never broke it off with this guy. As for her not messaging or calling him it is possible she acuired herself a burner phone to contact him. Do a 180 on her cut her off (her inevitable future problems are no longer your responsibility) and file for Divorce.

You rugswept this the first time round so she has taken your kindness as a sign of weakness. Perhaps it was. 

Either way i hope you do what needs to be done now.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Brah, if a man walked into your house, you're sitting in the lounge with your missus watching TV and he walked right up picked her up and started making out with her before walked out the house with her would you stay on the couch and finish up that show you're watching?

a) The man is married. Tell his wife. There is no reason why she's still not been informed.
b) Expose to your family, her family and friends. Do it yesterday.
c) See a lawyer, get your ducks in order, file and have her served.
d) Go dark, no response to her texts or calls because married OM only wants the booty which he's probably getting but rest assured he doesn't want the complication of divorce having to pay his wife then having to take on your wife's debt as well. No booty is that good.

You gave her a chance, your problem was you weakened when she saw she wasn't putting in the work. She cheated, you didn't leave. She didn't work on the marriage, you still didn't leave so she left.

Count your lucky stars, get a divorce and move up and onwards!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Was she sorry she got caught or truly remorseful (how would you know this)?

*By Theswan
I believe that she really was sad. She said things in ways that just even now seemed so genuine, which is partially why the situation after the fact confuses me so much. She did all the typical "I'm sorries*".

*to Theswan
You have answered in a very strong way with your one sentence reprinted below*

*



she believes that what she is doing is not wrong.

Click to expand...

**She is not even close to remorseful*



*



she is going to quickly realize she has made a mistake
The ********* is almost 40 years old, married, with three daughters

Click to expand...

*If she has any integrity at all she will eventually realize that her selfish betrayal was a very serious relationship damager. There is a good chance that when she finds out that the 40 year old man is either a weak selfish man like her or he leaves her, she will think about coming back to you. If she does she probably will put on a great emotional display. There will be real emotions but they will not be the kind that is mostly for your interest but for her own advantage. Be prepared as those emotions will really shake you.


The man has three children with his wife and he would have to be a complete loser to break up his relationship with his children to have a younger woman that is a betrayer like he is. If he is very weak and selfish he may break the relationship with his children and wife for your wife but if that is the case then your wife will get real sick of him in a short time.* A good man is not going to leave his three children for sex with a betrayer.*


*



I hate that if she dropped everything and came back I don't think I would have it in me to say no.

Click to expand...

*That tells me that you are needier for her than she is for you right now and that puts you at a disadvantage. *Go to work RIGHT NOW on getting yourself more self-sufficient; that will work greatly to your advantage if you r or D.* You have to prepare yourself so that she cannot devastate you. In other words you are in the jungle kingdom and only the strong survives. *You stop as much as you can, on using all your energy, thoughts and efforts on her and direct them towards yourself*. That will be very hard but you can do it, if you fail several times just get back and keep at it. This ordeal is not going to be a situation that will get resolved in months but years. However, you can get better every month.

You will hurt as you work on becoming self-sufficient but you will hurt a whole LOT more if you go back to begging her and allowing her to have a huge effect on your emotional life. It is possible that you both can come back together but do not allow yourself to count on that. *Get yourself in the position that you can live with her or without her.*


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I say stick it out for another 3-5 years, buster her with some other guy, then cash in!

As shyty as this advice is it could pay out in the long run when she start working and MAKES MORE MONEY THEN YOU!

LOL....

Most likely she will phuck her way to the top and your pay day could be sooner then you think.

Hell the way I see it is go a head and knock her up once she starts working, she goes back to work ASAP, you become a SAHD and then bust her screwing around again, file, and now you got alimony and child support from this chick.

Ya this advice sucks ...but the thought of not having to worry about working for the next 18 years sound pretty good....especially after busting my @ss all week.

I should have sent my old lady to law school...at least when my old lady phucked around on me I could have gotten something out of it.

Seriously man, sorry you are in a club no one want to belong to....for what it's worth life does get better.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Swan are you running out on this great advice my man? Is it something you don't want to face ?

Well you have no choice. She's not giving you one.

I do hope you are OK.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Thor said:


> Her affair never ended. She took it underground after you first discovered it. That is why she never was able to participate in saving the marriage. It would have been cheating on her boyfriend to do so! This was a PA before she left the home.
> 
> You cannot NICE her into coming back and/or loving you. Your best move is to work on improving yourself and moving forward into a new life. File for divorce and get the process rolling.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree:

Cheaters describe being addicted to their affair and they’re correct. In an MRI the same part of their brain lights up as if they were on cocaine. She has known you for so long that you’re like a brother to her (attachment or long term love) . The other man (OM) gets her motor running (romantic love). Once that excitement wears down (and it always does) she may very well come back to you. 

This 20 minute video explains it.

Helen Fisher: Why we love, why we cheat | TED Talk | TED.com

Ironically the best way to keep her is to let the OM have her and see what happens. Myself I would divorce her ASAP while her brain is still messed up to get good terms.

Good luck.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Swan

I like Marduk's advice but I would likget her law degree.e t tell you how do show your wife what respect looks like.

Give her the divorce she asked for.

She is a cheater and a liar. She is selfish and wants to screw around. She wants to be a lawyer.

So give her what she wants.

File for divorce. He her served at her parents house.

Then send a note to family and friends like this:

"Dear Family & Friends,

It is with sadness in my heart that I announce that Mrs Swan and I are divorcing.

Mrs Swan was caught in an affair with a married man and I realized that I am no longer in a relationship with the woman I loved.

So I am granting her wish to be free from our marriage vows since she is not able to abide by them.

Please say a prayer for us as we go our separate ways.

Respectfully,

Mr. Swan"

And that my friend is how you do it.

Get her to sign the divorce papers and the very next day you drop off an envelope at the OMW's house.

This has nothing to do with you or your "jealousy". This has everything to do with a woman that is selfish, acting out and has lost all respect for her husband.

Now follow those steps and show your STBXW what self respect looks like.

You will be happy again. Go find a nice girl.

Your wife turned out not to be one. Now go show her some tough love for her bad decisions.

HM

PS
I was engaged to a lawyer. She banged 5 of my best friends while I was in the military.

I dropped her. Never spoke to her again. I taught a lesson to all 5 of my supposed friends that they never forgot. Their parents did not even interfere once they found out why I was so pissed off.

I met the love of my life, have a great family and all that crap was over thirty years ago. Now go make your own story come true.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I was in nearly exactly the same situation a year and a half ago. Many here will remember my tale.

A year and a half later I came to realise several things that you can also safely assume are true for you too now.

1. There will have been an affair that went underground and did not ever stop. There is no doubt about this and you will realise it one day.
2. She has no romantic interest in you.
3. Do not mix CHEATING and your MARRIAGE. The problems you had in your marriage NEVER absolve cheating. Never associate the two and NEVER blame yourself for her cheating.
4. She is romantically swept away by this other man and do anything and everything to retain that emotion. It won'go away, not for years and years, until she cheats again.
5. Recognise that the reason people can't bring up and resolve issues in their marriage is the same reason they cheat. They are gutless.

Separate finances, sell assets and file for divorce.

I can assure you things are going to be great for you in a year or two. Good luck


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