# Question re: affair partner..need opinions



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So H had two EA's both were filipino. This has really gotten into my head that he has some kind of asian fetish..even though he denies it..I do not know if I believe him. It makes me feel insecure thinking that he prefers a different kind of woman...am I reading too much into this or not?

It is so bad that if we are out somewhere..i.e. restaurant, etc. I will scan the other people to make sure that I don't see any attractive asian woman because then I start feeling anxious and want to get out of that environment...it is a major trigger for me but how do you avoid it.

It sounds so stupid I know!

If you are married and you know that here is a feature, etc. that your SO is attracted to that you do not have...how do you handle it??


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I think it comes down to a simple word: Respect.

If your husband denies that he has an Asian fetish, maybe it was just coincidence that the EA's involved Filipino girls. Or...maybe he's embarrassed to admit something like that. You shouldn't have to "scan" places that you go with him because of a fear that he's gonna be looking. If that's how you feel at this stage, you need to ask what he does when you're NOT around. 

Have you gotten all your questions answered from him or do you think this is simply a form of PTSD for you?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I don't know..maybe it is a PTSD type thing. He denies it so emphatically yet it is in my head all the time....


I said to him if I had two EA's with two guys of a different race what would you think?? He can't answer it because I know he would think what I am thinking....

I feel like a nut job...not sure if I am justified in my feelings or not


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

...and if it was true..that he had a curiousity about asian women..would he even admit to me? I doubt it! That's another thing...sometimes I think what the hell am I doing with this guy if he prefers something Im not.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Oh, it's normal to feel like a complete nut job. GOD how I know that!! LOL

But you ARE justified in your feelings and don't ever think otherwise.

Maybe he is telling the truth. Maybe it isn't an "Asian" thing but more of a power thing. He might not even know he's got a fetish cuz he hasn't truly looked at it for what it is.

Truth here from my story: My wife, Regret214 on TAM, said that she didn't have an emotional connection with her xOM during her 5 year long affair. Well, guess what - last month it came out that in the beginning she enjoyed the feelings he gave her and she was "infatuated" with him. ie...she liked him. That's called EMOTION. She just didn't see it that way. In other words - your husband might not even know it was a fetish the same that my wife didn't know that she had emotional feelings for the xOM.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

But is it enough to end a marriage over it? Am I overreacting is what I am asking? It would be like a guy who loves big boobs but is with a woman with small boobs....should they be together if in his mind he is turned on by something else? Would his wife be insecure if she saw him look at a woman who was bigger in the chest?

I just don't know if I am letting this all get into my head too much??


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

HW- I think your fear is normal. However, just bc he finds them attractive does NOT mean he doesnt find YOU attractive as well. For example, I am a tall, dark and handsome kind of girl- thats what I am attracted to. My H is all of those but I have dated a blonde and he was very attractive. I didnt say to myself "well he's perfect however that damned blonde hair is a dealbreaker" right? I also love BIG muscles- I wouldnt call my H a big guy. He's average. He works out but he's not a big guy. I still find him incredibly attractive and wouldnt trade him for a hunk of beef. Conversely- he is a boob man yet his AP was practically flat chested soooooo????? I seriously doubt it was physical attraction to them but rather perhaps their submissiveness or perceived submissiveness? Or just coincidence. My H finds asian women particularly unattractive but would I put him in a room naked with one- NOPE.

I guess what Im saying is work with what YOU have. So even IF he is attracted to asian women clearly he is attracted to you- He married YOU. Im sure he could have found an Asian woman to marry if it truly was that big of a deal to him. Just as my H could have found a woman who wore something besides an 'A' cup, right?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think that it could have been the submissive thing...plus in their desperation to hook a white guy they will say anything to the guy. As my SIL's mother said they will lick a guys feet in order to come to a better country.

I hate being like this because it makes me feel like I am putting myself down in a way....So many times today I have thought of picking up the phone to make an appt. with a lawyer and just ending this and moving on with my life. I get so tired of dealing with this crap in my head sometimes.

But cantrustu if you had been the one to have an A with some big hunk of beef twice how would your H have felt??


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> I think that it could have been the submissive thing...plus in their desperation to hook a white guy they will say anything to the guy. As my SIL's mother said they will lick a guys feet in order to come to a better country.
> 
> I hate being like this because it makes me feel like I am putting myself down in a way....So many times today I have thought of picking up the phone to make an appt. with a lawyer and just ending this and moving on with my life. I get so tired of dealing with this crap in my head sometimes.
> 
> But cantrustu if you had been the one to have an A with some big hunk of beef twice how would your H have felt??


Oh no doubt he'd be feeling insignificant. Im not minimizing your feeling HW. Truly. I get why you feel this way. But my H would feel that way bc of a KNOWN attraction. You are feeling this way off a suspected attraction. I understand why. truly. My h's AP was also blonde with big green eyes. we look NOTHING alike. So once in a while I get to thinking "maybe he likes blondes better" or " even though Im small she was smaller so maybe thats it" but then I remember this: IT was NOT about HER. IT was about HIM. I truly dont believe it was about physical attraction. It was about the ego stroke and what color her hair is doesnt factor in there. These women were likely kissing your H's arse and that was the attraction. Making him feel like a god.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

highwood said:


> But is it enough to end a marriage over it? It would be like a guy who loves big b**bs but is with a woman with small b**bs....should they be together if in his mind he is turned on by something else? Would his wife be insecure if she saw him look at a woman who was bigger in the chest?
> 
> I just don't know if I am letting this all get into my head too much??


I don't think all men think that way, at least I don't. I like Asian women. I like big b**bs. My W is not Asian, and she has small b**bs. I still think she's hot. Bottom line is, I, and probably your H, simply like attractive women.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Your are right! He was addicted to the flattery and he said it was an escape thing...because our marriage was not great he felt like it was a diversion. Honestly I was not making him feel like I wanted him around much.

I hear what you are saying..I do think, without sounding conceited, that looks wise I could get better than him. What attracted me to him was he was a nice hard working guy. I guess i have to keep telling myself that...

You make some good points.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> I don't think all men think that way, at least I don't. I like Asian women. I like big b**bs. My W is not Asian, and she has small b**bs. I still think she's hot. Bottom line is, I, and probably your H, simply like attractive women.


You are probably right! I am thinking of the celebrities that I, even though he has not admitted it directly to me, am pretty sure he thinks are hot...Shania Twain, Halley Berry, etc.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am pretty sure as well that if a hot blond/brunette etc. walked by I am sure he would take a look. 

Thanks for putting it in perspective for me..I was having one of those poor me days!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> You are probably right! I am thinking of the celebrities that I, even though he has not admitted it directly to me, am pretty sure he thinks are hot...Shania Twain, Halley Berry, etc.


If you had that kind of money, you'd look like that too. Trainers, personal chefs, personal beauticians, nutritionists, your own gym and enough money to pay for what God didnt give you naturally...


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

My H carried on with Filipino women as well. Once a PA, the others text & phone chatting, so EA.
He says they are warm, they know how to make a man feel good. 
Basically, they are all about boosting the male's ego, they seem to be raised to know how to put aside their needs to focus on the male. 
We were just discussing this last night while sitting on the beach, it seems to be accepted in their culture that a man will cheat, the wives just carry on & wait for their husbands to come home. This is why they often seek out western men, they are viewed as nicer to wives.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> My H carried on with Filipino women as well. Once a PA, the others text & phone chatting, so EA.
> He says they are warm, they know how to make a man feel good.
> Basically, they are all about boosting the male's ego, they seem to be raised to know how to put aside their needs to focus on the male.
> We were just discussing this last night while sitting on the beach, it seems to be accepted in their culture that a man will cheat, the wives just carry on & wait for their husbands to come home. This is why they often seek out western men, they are viewed as nicer to wives.


Good point! Especially when they want something...I read somewhere that because the Phillipines is such a poor country that they will pounce on a white man because it means a better life for them. I think too that they do not care about how the man looks at all because he symbolizes a better lifestyle...so alot of men who would not be looked at twice by a North American woman will find themselves beseiged by Asian ladies.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I also realize that I should be the warm loving wife but at times I feel so much anger towards him that in a way it is almost like that is comfortable/safe for me. In counselling the MC told me that anger is an easier emotion for me and that is probably true because when I am angry I feel more in control and less vulnerable. I was the type of girl in my younger days that liked it when a guy chased me..I would always play it aloof and cool because it made me feel in control. Believe me I heard it from a few guys that they found me very confusing..because one minute I was warm and then next I was standoffish.

I think as well that a part of me feels like if I am warm and loving to him that in a way I am letting him think that what he did was okay and I am over it.

It is so ****ed up! 

This is why I love these boards...they are good therapy!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> I also realize that I should be the warm loving wife but at times I feel so much anger towards him that in a way it is almost like that is comfortable/safe for me. In counselling the MC told me that anger is an easier emotion for me and that is probably true because when I am angry I feel more in control and less vulnerable. I was the type of girl in my younger days that liked it when a guy chased me..I would always play it aloof and cool because it made me feel in control. Believe me I heard it from a few guys that they found me very confusing..because one minute I was warm and then next I was standoffish.
> 
> I think as well that a part of me feels like if I am warm and loving to him that in a way I am letting him think that what he did was okay and I am over it.
> 
> ...


HW, I get what youre saying about making him feel like he "got away with it" but if you dont give in some here and start showing him some amount of love and affection and yes even forgiveness- you'll be right back where you started. If you want to R then you have to do your part too. I know- god I know- its hard. But sometimes when you feel that drive to push them away go against that drive and go sit on his lap. I cant tell you how many times Ive done this. I feel that drive to push less and less these days.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sometimes though I wonder if there is a part of me that doesn't want to save the marriage...I think it bothers me at times so much what he did that I am not sure if I want to spend my life with someone that could lie/hide/coverup things so much. I don't know sometimes what I want. One moment I think yes I want to stay married and then the next I think maybe life would be better on my own..starting fresh.

There is always that fear that holds me back of what if he does this again...what if we go thru a rough patch and this is how he copes by finding someone to flatter him and is a diversion. That is what angers me when he said it was like an escape..I thought there was times when I was not thrilled to be married to him but I never brought a third person into it and yet that is something that he did. 

We went through some trying times about 20 years ago or so when our son was a toddler, mainly due to H's dad who was making some bad investments and kept wanting H and his brother to fund his next "investment"...that was stressful and hard (caused many fights between us) especially because way back then we hardly had any extra money ourselves..yet his dad would be phoning to see if we could lend him money. But did I seek someone else out to make me feel better and to have an escape no I did not but that is what he did.....and that keeps resonating with me.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I stuck with it years ago thru those stressful times but when he starts feeling really unhappy he goes and puts him self on AFF/****** Mad./Sex Search, etc. in order to find an escape...


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I know, what you have written above resonates with me. When my H & I got back together after his PA, he could feel that I was not 100% there.
He says he was just waiting for me to announce it was done, I was going. Part of that was his guilt, his feeling he could not be forgiven, part of it was me being so hurt I could not fully engage in the relationship.
In the end, this is why he says he had these 2 other filopino women that he talked to, they were so he would not be alone when I finally left.
When I found out about them a couple of months ago, we had some very in depth discussions, I found out things about him he had never revealed, a terrible childhood. He sought councelling for his issues, I agreed to be a more supportive & encouraging wife. Truth be told, I had no idea I was not meeting his emotional needs, I had this weird idea that if a husband had regular food & sex that was all he needed. Not true.
There are times I told him that I had remained committed to him through all of our tough times, why did he feel the need to look further afield? This is the reason he had to dig deep in his psyche & have councelling, to sort out his fear of abandoment & his fear of being left alone. Not to mention, his fear of trusting me.
All in all, you need to talk to each other, in a painful, deep way.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I tell you..I envy any couple that has not gone thru this crap. It sure screws everything up.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Feeling better today?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes and no...there is always that thought that you go thru where you think what the hell am I doing with this person that did this to me?

Sometimes the thought of starting fresh is tempting...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its true but even then you dont know that you wouldnt get the same or worse. I have to say I think we are starting to turn the corner of being better than it was before the A. Dont get me wrong, I still have issues with this whole thing. Still cant sleep thru the night alot of times. But He has come a long way. And I have made some changes that I didnt realize I needed to make because he talks to me more now and has told me some things that bother him. He would never have done that before. Have you gottento a point where you are at least more honest with each other even when it hurts?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is true..my H likes it now that we can discuss what is bothering us prior I would tend to not want to hear what was bothering him. I think I did not like to hear negative and it made me uneasy so I just swept his concerns under the rug so to speak.

I guess in my case I know what led him down this path...I know that I was not making him feel wanted instead making him feel like an annoyance. Sometimes I need him to remind me of how he was feeling in order to get out of my "victim" mode.


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