# My wife's work affairs - Reconciliation?



## Adrift77 (Jun 14, 2013)

Hi all, I wanted to share my story and get some perspective. My marital problems started around a year and a half ago when my wife of eight years cheated on me with a married man at work who she later described as a friend who was nice to her. I was having massive work problems at the time and was very depressed and probably not fun to be around. He later would be discovered to be a scoundrel who fabricated an alternate personality to woo my wife.

I didn't find out about the affair until 6 months later. We decided to work on the marriage and she began individual counseling and we saw a marriage counselor a few times. We did the full transparency deal. Things seemed like they were going well and I began to have more confidence in our improving marriage. She said she would never do something like that again because of how much it hurt both of us.

Fast forward to last week when she confessed more or less out of the blue that she had just recently (2 days before) slept with another man at work. She said that she had a crush on him and still had a crush on him, again she described him as a friend who was nice to her. There is quite a few bizarre circumstances surrounding this second instance of cheating. The man has millions of dollars and wants to shower them onto my wife which she refuses - she has always been a do it yourself type of person. His wife is trying to befriend my wife since she learned of the affair presumably to try and defend her marriage (the husband told his wife that he was in love with my wife).

We decided to separate with her deciding to move out and stay with friends. We are beginning weekly marriage counseling and she will be in weekly personal counseling. The marriage counselor believes she has boundary and honesty issues stemming from being raped in college and her family that basically never tells the truth about anything. 

Our relationship has many elements that I believe are worth saving. Our conversations, interests, and outlook on life are more closely aligned than with any other person I have met. Both men were 20 years her senior and the councilors think she has a need from validation from her father's generation and no real ability to create boundaries from people whose goal is to break through boundaries. She says she wants to save our marriage and make things work but she does not want to hurt me again. We have been seeing each other for an hour or two a day since we separated to talk and just try and stay connected. 

I have no doubt that we are very close friends, that she does not want to cause me (additional) pain, and that she does love me, but I worry that she may just want to divorce because it’s easier, and also I worry that I am setting myself up for further future heartache by not ending something that is beyond repair.

Thank you for reading. I want to do everything possible to save my marriage and I do love my wife but as of right now things are chaotic.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She is a serial cheater and you are acting like a doormat. Show some resolve that you can move on without her. You are plan B that's just my 2 cents.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He is a millionaire and works with your wife? Is he so bored he just wants to work?


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## Adrift77 (Jun 14, 2013)

Thound said:


> He is a millionaire and works with your wife? Is he so bored he just wants to work?


Yep, basically.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And you haven't exposed these work place affairs to HR because???

She should have left the job after the first affair.

Post this new guy up on cheaterville.com and see how he likes the publicity.

Oh, and honestly your wife is in no way trying to save her marriage, she honestly through her callous choices cares absolutely nothing about you or the marriage.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

From what I've observed on this forum and elsewhere, getting into relationships with abuse/rape victims is a bad idea because if I'm not mistaken their number one hobby in life is to trash relationships. Consider her a lost cause and move on with your life because, believe it or not, you deserve to be happy and you won't get there anytime soon if you tie yourself down to her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife's work affaires---DIVORCE?????


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And you haven't exposed these work place affairs to HR because???
> 
> She should have left the job after the first affair.
> 
> ...


If she was serious she would quit her job and seek ic. MC would be a waste of money now. I hope she left the house and not you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Your wife is addicted to betraying you.

It's either continue to let her betray or divorce.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sigh Doormat thread number two for me tonight.

Sad truth is she is a serial cheater
Sad truth is you are plan b as in a doormat
Sad truth is she is a sucker for player 101. Read the bottom link of my sig. "friend" Google how to seduce a married woman. It is neither hard nor complicated.

Dude you should take any offer of divorce and run like hell. If she is willing to do it thru arbitration and play nice take her up on it. Find the loyal woman later after you heal and start chapter 2 of your life.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So she sleeps with older married men who are nice to her? And her reaction is that she's sorry, but she can't really help herself? Or shouldn't help herself? Or shouldn't have to help herself?

You sound almost resigned to this and she sounds entitled. If she's so damaged because of a rape when she was younger, I would bet that you're seeing only the tip of the iceberg. I doubt this behavior just started. She's too blithe about it, in my opinion. I would start doing some checking so that you have a better understanding of just what you are trying to reconcile.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Adrift,

Fortunately for you, saving your marriage will be easy. Just keep doing what your doing (letting your WW rugsweep and giving her no consequences for her adultery) and she'll probably stay with you for the rest of her life.

Now, if what your really want is to be married to someone who really loves and respects you and can treat you as a man should be treated by his woman, well, that's something else. If you want that, you'd best start looking for a fresh start with someone else because all indications are that your WW will never be that woman.

My advice: start thinking with your brain instead of your heart.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Isn't it a little weird, as to her 2nd lover

He has millions of dollars, yet he works a 9 to 5 job----or does he own the place

Guys with millions of dollars especially older men---DO NOT TAKE ORDERS FROM LESSER MEN, WHO BOSS THEM AROUND

Your wife, fell for his gifts, so he gifted her into spreading her legs

If there was ever to be a R---you know all of the gifts go into a big bonfire----actually let her keep the gifts, and give yourself a gift----THE GIFT OF FREEDOM, from your cheating wife.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Good Grief.
Look at your story. Your wife cheats on you with a guy from work because he is nice to her. She puts your health at risk for STD's because he was nice to her. You forgive her and she does it again a couple of days ago because this new different man is very wealthy and is nice to her. What is wrong with this picture?

Clearly she knows she can screw around on you and put your health at risk for STD's and you will continually forgive her. Are you our of your mind? You only know about these affairs because she told you. How many do you think you do not know about?

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be acting as a doormat as you have been? Her actions continue to show that she disrespects you as a husband and a man. If you do not respect yourself then who will? By the way if you have children you get them tested for paternity.

I would suggest that the both of you get tested for STD's and you find a lawyer to understand your options. How much more betrayal, humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? Your wife now knows she has a husband who will stay with her even thought she has sexual intercourse with other men. What is wrong with this picture?


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

So really I see a few issues so I am going to apologize in advance if I hurt your feelings if you want you can PM and call me names I promise to read it and feel guilty for hurting you.

Problems

1. She had an affair but you never really got to the bottom of why it happened. This actually happens all the time you never set boundaries, you never set conditions, you worked on communication and that was it. But she has lied to you over and over again so communication probably is not going to help you.

2. You justify why the affair happened by being stressed and not being available. So what happens when something really bad goes down for you? Do you really think a wife that cheats when it gets little rough will not cheat when it goes to shyte?

3. Same body type and this just reeks of daddy issues. Here is the deal there is a thread on here about mental disorders that YOU are not going to SAVE her from herself. Few people really ever get over these kind of issues instead they learn good habits to keep them from doing crappy things because of them. So she has never learned these habits so she is kind of broken, YOU cannot fix this. SHE must try to fix this and even with the best therapy she will put a bandage on it, this will always be an issue for her and she will always have these temptations. Given her track record she sucks at resisting.

4. You say she does not want to hurt you. Where was this while his thing was in her mouth? She still had her ring on.

5. The other guy is slime he will continue to pursue her and given her record he will succeed.

6. YOU want to save this marriage SHE says she does not want to hurt you anymore this indicates that she knows she has a MAJOR problem and cannot control herself. Which means if you did get with her you would be like the spouse of an alcoholic always monitoring her behavior and trying to judge if she is being honest with you. Does this sound like the marriage you WANT?


Solutions

1. I would walk. You cannot fix broken you can be her care taker for her but she will continue to do this. YOU know this. YOU know what you SHOULD do. YOU know that once was probably forgivable but TWICE indicates a pattern of problems plus the fact of the similarities and you know you have heart break waiting for you.

2. Should you decide to hide your head in the sand I will give you a few things that may help you until you finally come to your senses.

3. She quits her job. This is nonnegotiable TWICE this job has cost you now is the time she puts you first. She is probably already known as the office [email protected] she needs to move on. Remember things and jobs can be replaced a marriage cannot be.

4. No old guys in her life. PERIOD. EVER. YOU meet everyone she works with to insure this.

5. Exposure to everyone including the job. This might just might make her hesitate for a few seconds next time.

6. You have to track her. That means you get a schedule and she keeps it. Lets you know where she is at and what she is doing.

So all that is a start most of those are from other reconciliations that I have seen the problem with yours is you are dealing with a long term mental problem that has NOTHING to do with your marriage. If she was killing neighbor dogs because she thought they were spying on her you would have the same issues. The fact of the matter is that you will not FIX her she will do this and when she does you WILL be back here. 

Now lets be matter a fact about what she has done

1. Betrayed her vows with TWO separate men.

2. Betrayed your trust multiple times.

3. Betrayed your love over and over again.

So the ball is in your court right now you have no marriage as the old one is now DEAD. You have to decide if you want to make a NEW one with a women who has mental issues that cause her fvck old guys at work. If you met her now and were not married would you even give this a though? If when you married you KNEW she had these kinds of issues that make a FAITHFUL marriage almost an impossibility would you marry her?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

What in the world are you thinking OP?

You should be running for the exits and instead you are pining away for a fantasy vision of the wife you THOUGHT you had and this connection that in reality only truly exists in your head.

Emotional thinking like this is DANGEROUS for the future well being of any BS IMHO. 

Only by thinking logically and rationally about the facts and incidents that make up REALITY can you escape from your own nightmare fantasy world.

You are in as much of a 'fog' of unreal thinking about who your wife really is and what you really had together as any WS is about their 'soulmate' and 'true love' in most of the other threads on this site.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Adrift,

Unfortunately this type of cheater is not "fixable". As you said ... by staying with her you are simply setting yourself up for failure.

Leave her and move on with your life ... starting today.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Hmmm, Millionaire huh. Does he live under a bridge?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife has possibly got two personalities. Your wife and not your wife, a personality she created to cope with her rape.

Whilst counselling might help, I think proper psychiatric intervention and treatment might be in order.

My best wishes to both of you. 

It's probable the faithful wife personality hates what the other personality does, but she might not be able to control it. 

Here's hoping that with help she will be able to do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Do you have kids with her? If not, divorce and never talk to her again.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Are you sure her newest OM's wife knows of the affair? I would speak to OM's wife personally if you are interested in R. 

As an oh by the way... You are not in R now if she is banging someone else. 

Do you really want to stay married to her.

Get tested for stds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ummm...dude - you might want to read your first post like 20 times to yourself and answer it yourself.

Seriously. This chick can't help herself and you want to "reconcile"?! You _can't_ reconcile with someone like that no matter how much you try.

Contact the rich dude's wife and ask if your wife will be living in the main house or if they have staff quarters.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would be talking to a lawyer to see if there is any way to extract a large amount of money out of the second OM, and i would be publicly exposing the affair -especially his part of it.

Why?

Because you want it widely known by all men that having sex with your wife will be dangerous , it will cost them publicly and it will embarrass them.

This is a consequence to your wife - she will be upset that her lover is treated this way and is suffering publicly because of her.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Wouldn't rape make one push men away rather than gravitate toward many of them?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Your wife told you OM told about the A to his wife. And you trust that.REALLY?......... Expose her and OM far and wide. Post him on cheaterville.com. Let him realise that screwing your wife also had some consequences.

By having a separation she is screwing the OM right under your nose, do you know that?

You still believe that she dont want to hurt you again, did she said the same when she screwed around with first OM?

She is still your best friend.REALLY? but can you trust her? people don't call someone whom they cannot trust as best friend.

She is having her fun and you are in the fantasy land hoping for a R. Open your eyes and see the sh1t load piled in front of you.

Get tested for STDs.

Dont walk but run from her and find someone who deserve you.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Adrift77 said:


> Hi all, I wanted to share my story and get some perspective. My marital problems started around a year and a half ago when my wife of eight years cheated on me with a married man at work who she later described as a friend who was nice to her. I was having massive work problems at the time and was very depressed and probably not fun to be around. He later would be discovered to be a scoundrel who fabricated an alternate personality to woo my wife.
> 
> I didn't find out about the affair until 6 months later. We decided to work on the marriage and she began individual counseling and we saw a marriage counselor a few times. We did the full transparency deal. Things seemed like they were going well and I began to have more confidence in our improving marriage. She said she would never do something like that again because of how much it hurt both of us.
> 
> ...


Come on everyone, do I have to even say "it"...

You know what I'm thinking...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Come on everyone, do I have to even say "it"...
> 
> You know what I'm thinking...


Hmmmm


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Come on everyone, do I have to even say "it"...
> 
> You know what I'm thinking...


Hell, I probably suspect more threads than you do. Most times I don't say anything because you can still have some good discussions even if they were started by talking about a story or contrived event.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If I had millions of dollars I'd be out on my sailboat with my wife and having a great 45 year retirement.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OK, I'll go ahead and assume that OP is real. If not, I'll just use it as an opportunity to hone my opining. 

OP forgive me, I know you're hurting, but you need to look at this analytically. 

*Reasons not to R and head straight to divorce:
*
1) You don't mention how you caught her the first time. If you found out on your own that time, I would be suspicious as to her motivation to confess this time. Perhaps she feared his wife would spill the beans to you. If so, no points for honesty. 

2) You don't mention any children, so I'll guess you don't have any. That will make it easier for you.

3) You're young. Lot's of time to enjoy the rest of your life with a faithful partner.

4) For some reason, you didn't insist she quit her job the last time. This equals lack of consequences, which only increased the likelihood of repeat behavior. That happened and now she is a serial cheater. Serial cheaters are rarely good candidates for R. The "fool me once" saying may be a cliche, but it holds true when considering R.

5) The possibility of her being affected by a mental disorder means that you would be relying on being able to "fix" her to avoid further adultery. Very small odds on that.

*Reasons to R:*

............................ "crickets chirping"


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Come on man! One time affair and maybe you can fix the marriage if BOTH OF YOU want to repair the damage but now a second time? Seems like your the only one wanting to fix your marriage and why did this happen? Because she said he was nice to her. Let me tell you something friend. I could find a bus load of guys that would be nice to her knowing that a few nice words would get them a few cheap thrills. And if she was raped in college and I am no PHD, but wouldn't she be a little more cautious around men considering what happened to her?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

OP has given his wayward wife every excuse under the sun. This is why this marriage is doomed. Keep making excuses for her buddy. You're the one who'll end up suffering in the long run


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Why should she change? You've made it clear to her she doesn't have to, but you'll still accept it. You come across as though it ain't no big thing. I think you are in denial about what kind of person she actually is.


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## Adrift77 (Jun 14, 2013)

Thank you all for your help. I guess there is some problem with fake posts or something. I assure you I am real. I am very appreciative for your help and perspective. 

Basically she and I agree that she is "broken" in some way mentally to have this happen. We are looking into if this is a fixable break or not. I'm not worried about finding someone else but I want to make sure I fully resolve this situation one way or another for my own sake before I look elsewhere. I know this may make me a doormat etc, but a few weeks looking for clarity feels like a small price to pay in determining the future direction of my life.

Thanks again for all your insight!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Adrift77 said:


> Our relationship has many elements that I believe are worth saving. Our conversations, interests, and outlook on life are more closely aligned than with any other person I have met. ...... She says she wants to save our marriage and make things work but she does not want to hurt me again. We have been seeing each other for an hour or two a day since we separated to talk and just try and stay connected.
> 
> I have no doubt that we are very close friends, that she does not want to cause me (additional) pain, and that she does love me, but I worry that she may just want to divorce because it’s easier, and also I worry that I am setting myself up for further future heartache by not ending something that is beyond repair.


The first paragraph above is what I pulled from your first post. It's all that you value for your marriage with this woman. And it's a fine list of things. And the second paragraph is something you used to have, a very close friend in this woman. 

You no longer have that, based on your post. That is a shame, for sure, and a loss to you. But.... you ARE setting yourself up for "further future heartache" if you think this woman is really going to change. What SHE needs is a REAL life change, something BIG, some 2x4 technology that will change her emotional makeup. That hasn't happened to her yet. 

You've done a lot of things right and you still have an unrepentant WW. That's it in a nutshell. Your call.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Adrift77 said:


> Thank you all for your help. I guess there is some problem with fake posts or something. I assure you I am real. I am very appreciative for your help and perspective.
> 
> Basically she and I agree that she is "broken" in some way mentally to have this happen. *We* are looking into if this is a fixable break or not. I'm not worried about finding someone else but I want to make sure I fully resolve this situation one way or another for my own sake before I look elsewhere. I know this may make me a doormat etc, but a few weeks looking for clarity feels like a small price to pay in determining the future direction of my life.
> 
> Thanks again for all your insight!


We? Don't cha think ya want to decide this one by yourself?

It sounds fictitious because it is a little off of the charts.

Do you have any anger? Fear? Too composed for your own good. Show some passion. I almost always tell people that are finding these things out to avoid getting into trouble with the law, violence, self-medicating, etc. Quite the opposite for you.

The building is on fire and you are still wondering if you should leave. No offense, but she probably is bored with you lack of emotion.

Sorry you are here. It sucks to belong to the betrayed club. It also can be a huge benefit if you look into what people are saying, and act on it.

Here is some sarcastic advice: Why don't you set up an appointment with the dude's wife? Meet her and discuss it with her. Tell your wife that it is a date. She must be getting half of his money, so she would be a great sugar momma.

Real advice: Talk to the OM's wife. Talk to an attorney. File for D. See what happens to your wife's lover and her behavior. Read about the "180". Start learning about what is attractive in men for women.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Adrift77 said:


> Thank you all for your help. I guess there is some problem with fake posts or something. I assure you I am real. I am very appreciative for your help and perspective.
> 
> Basically she and I agree that she is "broken" in some way mentally to have this happen. We are looking into if this is a fixable break or not. I'm not worried about finding someone else but I want to make sure I fully resolve this situation one way or another for my own sake before I look elsewhere. I know this may make me a doormat etc, but a few weeks looking for clarity feels like a small price to pay in determining the future direction of my life.
> 
> Thanks again for all your insight!


This is encouraging, if she's willing to do the heavy lifting. And as I said above, your call. You're not a doormat by taking this seriously and taking steps to protect your family. Family is always your first priority (in my opinion and life). You will get a lot of good advice here; it's up to you how and when and if to implement it. At least you're not ignoring it. 

Hang in there, we all know this isn't anything you ever wanted to have to do, and it's tough stuff. God bless you.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

RUN


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Adrift77 said:


> Hi all, I wanted to share my story and get some perspective. My marital problems started around a year and a half ago when my wife of eight years cheated on me with a married man at work who she later described as a friend who was nice to her. I was having massive work problems at the time and was very depressed and probably not fun to be around. He later would be discovered to be a scoundrel who fabricated an alternate personality to woo my wife.
> 
> I didn't find out about the affair until 6 months later. We decided to work on the marriage and she began individual counseling and we saw a marriage counselor a few times. We did the full transparency deal. Things seemed like they were going well and I began to have more confidence in our improving marriage. She said she would never do something like that again because of how much it hurt both of us.
> 
> ...


(see in bold) NO. that is not possible. We treat people we love with respect - like valuable china that will break if we do certain things. Repeated acts of infidelity are directly at odds with that definition. Starting over would mean you would have a chance to find genuine love, REAL love. Somone you could love and who could actually love you back. That would be a big step up from what you have right now!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Don't you worry about catching STD's? If this is how you wish to spend your life than good luck because you will need a lot of it to survive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Wouldn't rape make one push men away rather than gravitate toward many of them?


Actually, that's *not* how the psychology works in all cases.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Monday she quits her job, if she wants to fix the marriage.

Monday you contact HR and report both affairs, if you want to save it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Isn't it a little weird, as to her 2nd lover
> 
> He has millions of dollars, yet he works a 9 to 5 job----or does he own the place
> 
> ...


Uhmm ....

1) I have known a few guys who could retire with millions in the bank but continue working.

2) Do not take orders from LESSER men? Why? Because they have less money? I think this guy has proven HE is the lesser man, pursuing a married woman.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Still think you've probably just got the tip of the iceberg.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, that's *not* how the psychology works in all cases.



True it can actually work completely to the opposite-

But if this story is true.I think this one of the classic case of cheating.
She cheated and keep´s doing it because she can..Nothing more to it..


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Monday she quits her job, if she wants to fix the marriage.
> 
> Monday you contact HR and report both affairs, if you want to save it.


Now that is some good advice!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Adrift77 said:


> Thank you all for your help. I guess there is some problem with fake posts or something. I assure you I am real. I am very appreciative for your help and perspective.
> 
> *Basically she and I agree that she is "broken" in some way mentally to have this happen.* We are looking into if this is a fixable break or not. I'm not worried about finding someone else but I want to make sure I fully resolve this situation one way or another for my own sake before I look elsewhere. I know this may make me a doormat etc, but a few weeks looking for clarity feels like a small price to pay in determining the future direction of my life.
> 
> Thanks again for all your insight!


Essentially a nonsense statement. 

She is broken? What does that mean? 

She makes informed decisions to cheat. We're not talking about compulsive lying, we're talking about informed premeditated steps over long periods of time leading up to the moment she decides to go somewhere take off her clothes and sleep with someone else. What exactly is broken? How exactly do you fix someone who decides over long periods of time even after being caught that they are still going to betray you and do it again?

Of course she's going to agree with "She's broken". Heck even if she said, yes I did it because I liked the attention and sex I still think you would have come up with the "but I know she loves me and for her to do this to me there must be something wrong inside"

Question is, if you're going to reconcile...why exactly did you post in the first place?

p.s does fixing this "brokeness" include quitting the job she had two affairs..or are you going to let that slide too (i.e she has an excuse not to quit)


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheating people aren't broken, that's just poor me self justification.

Cheating people are selfish. They choose to do what they do entirely for selfish feed ping of their wants.

Your wife has had sex with these men because she wants to. She seeks out other men to flirt with and go to bed with because she wants to have sex outside her marriage.

She doesn't stop because she doesn't care about the marriage or about you.

Like I said before.

If she wants to save the marriage it's simple - on Monday she starters that journey by quitting her job and ending contact with her affair partners.

If you want to save your marriage, you on Monday contact HR and reports her and these men who are using that workplace as their happy hookup market.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did she actually say she wanted to save the marriage? She seems awfully blase about admitting she just banged someone.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People who cheat this easily and confess it so readily tend to have a different worldview from the norm. It's entitled. It says that they have a right to happiness and will keep searching and testing and sampling until they are happy. They often expect their partners to support their quest for happiness, because, after all, don't you want someone you love to be happy in life?

So the door is always open for these people and they justify their infidelity with easy explanations of their right to self-worth and 'actualization.' To me they are a flavor of the serial cheater because of this open, selfish declaration of the right to hurt the people they love in pursuit of their own gratification.

If she's broken, then this is what's broken. She's selfish in this way.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What's the plan then... to allow her riding the new OM untils she's sure what's the one she's going to pick?
Any agreement to go NC at least while "you figure things out"?

I just don't get this.


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## Adrift77 (Jun 14, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> People who cheat this easily and confess it so readily tend to have a different worldview from the norm. It's entitled. It says that they have a right to happiness and will keep searching and testing and sampling until they are happy. They often expect their partners to support their quest for happiness, because, after all, don't you want someone you love to be happy in life?
> 
> So the door is always open for these people and they justify their infidelity with easy explanations of their right to self-worth and 'actualization.' To me they are a flavor of the serial cheater because of this open, selfish declaration of the right to hurt the people they love in pursuit of their own gratification.
> 
> If she's broken, then this is what's broken. She's selfish in this way.


I think this hits the nail on the head. I wanted to let you guys know what happened. So I went to the place she was staying while she was working things out to talk to her and get some sort of resolution and the other man answers the door. Yep, she had been living with him since the separation and told me she was working it out on her own. 

I talked to her for a bit and she basically said if you want me to be happy you will wait for me. No thanks! We are getting divorced and I do feel good knowing that I went above and beyond exploring reconciliation. Thanks again for your help and insights everyone - I've been living in a strange place so it's nice to hear from people in the real world


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm trying to stifle my laughter.

"If you want me to be happy you will wait for me"????!!!

Totally shows her selfishness, man. Holy crap. Get that divorce and enjoy!


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Dont leave TAM. Keep posting here and letting us know how the D is progressing. 

I'm sorry you had to find ou the way you did, but the embarrasment and pain will help you detach faster. Your wife is the worst kind of cake eater, keeping you as a backup while she explores her new romance. Disgusting. 

Your WW was a rotten, defective, lousy wife from the beginning. Absorb it, learn from it and move on. 

Now you can move forward without regrets knowing you did what you could to save the marriage. File for divorce now and go DARK. Donts speak to her, dont answer texts or e-mails. Go into stealth mode and let your lawyer do the talking. The more you engage with her the harder it will be to detach. 

Godspeed.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Expose to HR on monday also.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Right. 'If you want me to be happy, you will wait for me.' 

Exactly right. Entitled. Cheater. Liar. Cake eater. No shame. No empathy. No respect.

All wrapped up in a package that says 'I'm really a good person because I TRULY believe that if we love someone we should sacrifice ANYTHING for that person's happiness, especially when it is you sacrificing for me. Me sacrificing for you? Not so much.'

Sorry, but you're better off getting the divorce. Please stay on if you need some support.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Where do people get their colossal sense of entitlement?....

I am entitled to multiple affairs....

to eat cake at my whim..... 

to shack up with "sugar daddy"....

and tell you to "wait" till her royal highness makes up her mind about what it will take to make me happy......

The phrase "unmitigated gall" comes to mind.....

She acts like someone who was born on another planet, and has not the slightest inkling of how a married person is expected to act.........

I suggest you show her how a husband that has been screwed over once too often acts....


good luck
the woodchuck


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Your wife is very broken. You will never win her love or respect. You do not need to look at it as divorce, look at it as freedom to start your real life. Life is good if you want it to be. JM2C David


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Adrift stick around. You could be a huge help in waking men out of their plan b doormat threads. Like that Oklahoma one. Can't even read it. Blood pressure rises too fast.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Adrift stick around. You could be a huge help in waking men out of their plan b doormat threads. Like that Oklahoma one. Can't even read it. Blood pressure rises too fast.


See the one posted today from Lost Guy? Fiancee is an addict, cheated on him already with his friend. Sending me into a rage. Starting to understand how Gutpunch felt reading my thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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