# Has anyone used a fake admirer as a tool to re-ignite spark inrelationship?



## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Someone once told me that they wrote a fake admirer letter to themselves and shared it with their spouse and their relationship became alot better. Especially, on the sex end of it. This seems dishonest to me, but still intriguing nonetheless. Has anyone on this site tried this....success/faliures?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Playing mind games in a relationship is never a good idea. And many times they back fire.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> Someone once told me that they wrote a fake admirer letter to themselves and shared it with their spouse and their relationship became alot better. Especially, on the sex end of it. This seems dishonest to me, but still intriguing nonetheless. Has anyone on this site tried this....success/faliures?


Never tried this. Interesting, but seems like a lot of work to make your spouse jealous. Not my cup of tea, but interested to see what others think.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Not my cup of tea either. However, being in a 15 year relationship and being at a point where it is stagnant and quite boring it did make me raise an eyebrow. I have noticed a pattern with my wife. When we are alone she treats me different than she does when we are with peers. She wants everyone to know I am with her, but when we are alone it's like she has me locked up. Regardless of my actions, she does not seem to be affected at all. I have never been good at games, but as I stated it sure is boring around here. Paying compliments, helping around the house, buying flowers, giving her suprise footrubs and other spontaneous acts don't seem to phase her. Nothing does. Still very curious.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> Not my cup of tea either. However, being in a 15 year relationship and being at a point where it is stagnant and quite boring it did make me raise an eyebrow. I have noticed a pattern with my wife. When we are alone she treats me different than she does when we are with peers. She wants everyone to know I am with her, but when we are alone it's like she has me locked up. Regardless of my actions, she does not seem to be affected at all. I have never been good at games, but as I stated it sure is boring around here. Paying compliments, helping around the house, buying flowers, giving her suprise footrubs and other spontaneous acts don't seem to phase her. Nothing does. Still very curious.


What about being your wife's secret admirer?


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I have thought about that. I have given her letters, but never in a secret form before. When I did, she told me I try too hard. However, if I was her secret admirer and never said anything about itcould spark something possibly. I do know she reponds better to others compliments than mine. Because, I am supposed to say those things according to her.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> What about being your wife's secret admirer?


I think this might just introduce issues...if she doesn't know they are from you and doesn't tell you she's received them, it may get you questioning why and possibly reading into something that isn't there.

I still think open and honest is the best route to go.

I was on the receiving end of a letter from a secret admirer. I was in my mid-20's living alone in an apartment & got this letter under my door...it was a nicely written letter but honestly it creeped me out knowing some guy in my building was checking me out but I had no idea who it was...he left his number in the letter but I didn't feel comfortable calling him.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

It does seem kind of creepy. I have rec'd them before as well. They kind of creeped me out, but they were very straight forward and explicit. Just friendly flirting. Open and honest I like and agree with. However, our sex life and everything else around it is boring. My wife is not boring, but she is right now. I was just hoping to sprk something. I think the fake thing on my end is out of the question. My conscious would get the best of me, but being her secret admirirer might work. idk? My hope would be that she knew it was me and play along with it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

magicsunset08-

I am convinced that in situations like yours, all that's lacking is a few simple skills. Get a variety of books on the subject of relationships, and work your way through them. It may be there is something you are doing or not doing that is boring her.

I use 3 approaches in my own marriage:

1) As you can imagine, I don't keep quiet for more than 5 minutes about anything that is bothering me. We talk a lot, and even if I get a limited response, I don't give up putting my point of view, if I think it's fair.

2) I try to understand her, and try to understand how she ticks. Reading other peoples ideas often inspires me to see things in a new light.

3) As I have said elsewhere, I never, NEVER, will accept being in a lukewarm marriage. When you have that as a background principle, it informs everything else you do. 

Never surrender to mediocrity. NEVER! Tell your wife you want to make your marriage the envy of all your friends. You have both slackened off at various times, and now you are both reaping the result.

To quote an expert:



Jesus said:


> I would rather you were hot or cold but because you are Luke warm I will spew you out of my mouth.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

magicsunset08-

I am convinced that in situations like yours, all that's lacking is a few simple skills. Get a variety of books on the subject of relationships, and work your way through them. It may be there is something you are doing or not doing that is boring her.

I use 3 approaches in my own marriage:

1) As you can imagine, I don't keep quiet for more than 5 minutes about anything that is bothering me. We talk a lot, and even if I get a limited response, I don't give up putting my point of view, if I think it's fair.

2) I try to understand her, and try to understand how she ticks. Reading other peoples ideas often inspires me to see things in a new light.

3) As I have said elsewhere, I never, NEVER, will accept being in a lukewarm marriage. When you have that as a background principle, it informs everything else you do. 

Never surrender to mediocrity. NEVER! Tell your wife you want to make your marriage the envy of all your friends. You have both slackened off at various times, and now you are both reaping the result.

To quote an expert on the subject:



Jesus said:


> I would rather you were hot or cold but because you are Luke warm I will spew you out of my mouth.


I did not fully understand this passage until someone pointed out that a warmish beer, or a lukewarm coffee tastes disgusting.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I fully understand this stuff. I have read books. I have done it all!!! My wife has her friends ask her if they could take me home, because they can't stand their husbands. When I do something special for her for no reason she is the envy of her workplace. For instance, my wife is not touchy feely at-all. I know this. I give her her space.However, if I give her too much space it irritates her. Last night she went to bed before i did, so knowing that she does not like to be touched or woke up I left her be. I did not give her a kiss or hug. So, this morning her alarm went off. After about 5 minutes I rolled over to just cuddle a little bit. Just a simple hug and then kiss on the cheek. After a few seconds she took ahold of my arm and moved it off of her. I thought since the alarm went off it was ok to give my wife a hug!!!! Then when i rolled over she called me a baby. Then about 15 minutes after her alarm went off she gave me a kiss. Guess what? I was not in the mood at that time to reciprocate. Who would be. This is everyday stuff at my house. Everything is on her terms. If I question it I am a baby that cannot be teased. My response is that is not a joking scenario, especially with the past. So far, I am 0-4. What I mean by that is...... I cannot cuddle, I have about a 10% ratio of successfully initiating sex, she NEVER initiates sex, and the worst one in my opinion..... I do not get intimate kisses. When I ask her about that she denies it or says that there are special times for that... WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!!!!! The point of this post is that I have tried everything else and the only consistant attention i get from her is when I am getting attention from other women. Which is not that difficult. I came to the conclusion last night that faking an admirer would be so immature and so unlike myself. If i have to do something such as that to get my wifes attention, well then it would not even be worth the paper I would write a note on!!!!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

magicsunset08-

Given what you say, there is one thing that would probably work - well it would work for someone who believed in themselves. I'm not sure if you would say you fitted that bill or not.

Anyway this is what I would do. I would say that unless you are willing to work with me on x,y and z, I am off. This would have the same affect as pretending there was another woman, but it is more honest - it is saying if you don't meet my needs, you will have to live without me, and I will soon be finding another woman. But the thing about me is, that if I said this, it would be true at the time, and the other person would feel it.

You have allowed this mediocrity and abuse to creep in through not being firm. Of course I am glossing over any things you might have done to dull her admiration of you.

Sometimes you just have to be firm. And if you are not used to it, it is going to be unpleasant for a while.

I'll give you an example. We recently decided, that our 13 y/o son was going to bed too late. So we told him. He gave us a hard time, but we were expecting that. So we have been gradually turning up the pressure on him, and he has been going in the right direction. The easy way out was just to let him do what he wants. But we are willingly putting up with his disgust at us for daring to give him boundaries, because as his parents we feel it is for the best. We are getting him to bed a little earlier each night.

You need to be firm with yourself. You have taken the easy option of a so called "quiet life".


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Twain:

Thank you for the best advice I have rec'd thus far. I think you hit the nail on the head. She lost admiration for me because I have let this go. She cheated on me!!! I have been doing all the right things.... The things she should be doing to get me back... She never had to do those things, because I never left. I just quickly got to work on things I needed to work on and neglected to be consistently firm. There is alot of things that I am very confident on. I have a tendency to let things go when I feel all of my efforts are for no good. All this has done for me thus far is make me feel bad. Thanks again.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

magicsunset08-

In economics, when something is scarce, it is highly valued. This is why diamonds are more costly than coals.

So it is with relationships. You can't fully have your wife, so you want nothing more than for her to demonstrate her love. She on the other hand, can have you anytime she wants, so most of the time she does not bother.

You picked up on the fact that if she suspects women are looking at you, she is suddenly more attentive - it's simple economics - supply and demand. You are in demand, so you are suddenly worth a bit more. Basically, she does not really value you. There are ways to turn this round. The best way is to start with valuing yourself more.



magicsunset08 said:


> For instance, my wife is not touchy feely at-all. I know this. I give her her space.However, if I give her too much space it irritates her. Last night she went to bed before i did, so knowing that she does not like to be touched or woke up I left her be. I did not give her a kiss or hug. So, this morning her alarm went off. After about 5 minutes I rolled over to just cuddle a little bit. Just a simple hug and then kiss on the cheek. After a few seconds she took ahold of my arm and moved it off of her. I thought since the alarm went off it was ok to give my wife a hug!!!! Then when i rolled over she called me a baby. Then about 15 minutes after her alarm went off she gave me a kiss. Guess what? I was not in the mood at that time to reciprocate. Who would be. This is everyday stuff at my house. Everything is on her terms.


This walking on eggshells has got to stop.

One thing that worries me about your case is that, at the moment you really really want her. But when you finally get her wanting you, will you still want her at that point? You need to think long and hard about that one.

The problem arises because of the journey you are going to make. This is the journey of self discovery. And when you wake up to the full knowledge of what you have allowed... you will be very angry at yourself, and you will probably resent her. This is also the point at which she will actively want you to stick around. She will sense your awakening power and want it for herself. Women resent weak men, and desire strong ones. Maybe it's for our own good. It's all a dance...


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I understand that. The funny thing is I thought I re-discoverd myself. She has often said things that have devalued me. I thought we were all past this crap. But, I obviously left out a step. I still wanted her even though she was running all over me. The thing about when she comes back to me fully--will I be there. That is running out. There are times I get so mad that I ignore her. I sense that, so I will try to be complimentary just to keep myself interested. Then, I get rejected. Obviously I feel like a heel.
The fact is she probably sees it as..Man, I treat this guy like **** and he gets me flowers! You are right, I am concerned because the way I feel right now is that if she does come back to me totally I don't know if I will want her back.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

magicsunset08-

There is only one person you can work on: You. Once you have got there, you will need to forgive her, if you want to continue in your marriage. You can't really start that yet, (though there is no reason not to try, as long as it does not counteract your firmness), because you have not reached the 100% peak of your forthcoming resentfulness.

Just remember that anything you experience is your own baggage, she is just a mirror. Be gracious, she is not personally out to get you. It's just that she has fallen into the role of gently pointing out your weaknesses. And when you failed to notice she turned up the heat year by year. She is actually doing you a favour, but it's not been fun 

But it needn't be a rocky ride. You could wake up tomorrow with a new head on your shoulders, perfect compassion, and total self mastery...


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