# Quality Time



## Raena (Aug 4, 2018)

My husband and I have been together about 2 and half years and married for 3 months, he is 37 (never really had a relationship before me) and I am 33, we work opposite schedules and always have. My gig is an 8-5 Monday through Friday and he currently works 2 PM to 11 PM off Thursday, Friday and every other Saturday. Football season is coming up and he is going to change his schedule to have off Saturday Sunday every other Friday so he can spend his Sundays watching football. Now, let me preface this by saying, if we had a more normal schedule where we had week nights off together, I could care less about his Sunday's of football watching, unfortunately, we dont. He has agreed to give me Saturdays with the exception of one college game and 4 hours on sundays. I have talked to him repeatedly about his hobbies and how I feel like they run neck and neck, as far as priorities go, with me. He devotes the majority of his free time to online poker, gaming, darts and football. He will change his work schedule to accompany dart league and football and when I've asked him to not change his schedule for the summer, for dart league, it was an issue. I ended up being his partner because if I wanted much time with him, I had to play. He was going to play whether or not I wanted to. I could understand him being aggravated with me if I was asking him to completely give his hobbies up but the thing is I'm not. Yes. I knew he did all of this before we got married but I thought he would mature and realize the importance of quality time and lay off of his hobbies a little bit but he has also made it perfectly clear he has no intention of doing that because he has sacrificed so much for this relationship. His sacrifices, per him, are the fact that he doesn't watch sports as much, does not gamble as much, does not game as much ect. To me, those aren't really sacrifices, that's part of being an adult and being in a relationship. Am I just being inconsiderate and nerdy or what?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Raena said:


> He has agreed to give me Saturdays with the exception of one college game and 4 hours on sundays.


How many hours on Saturday do you two spend together? What's the total number of hours a week?

What do you do when you spend time together? Are you two alone, or are you with other people?

How much of the house work, cooking, shopping, etc. does each of you do?

What would your together time schedule and activities look like if you got your way?

These are important questions in order to be able to reply to your post.


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## Raena (Aug 4, 2018)

Saturdays, Unless, I tell him I have something specific planned, he will probably be doing his gaming or online poker. Quality time spent doing something together would probably equate to maybe 3 hours total. He will also watch a college game, which would take up about 4 hours. 

When we do spend time together it is mixed. If weren't home, we are alone but he is usually doing his own thing, if we're out, its normally at the bar throwing darts with other people. 

Housework, I normally do, he helps if he has to. that goes for laundry too. I take the dog out and feed him. He rarely goes grocery shopping and I honestly can't tell you the last time we even went grocery shopping together. 

If I got my way, there would be more joint house cleaning activities together, going to a movie or dinner together, versus the bar. Finding something that interested both of us and that we could enjoy together instead of it always being what he likes to do.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Wait, so you married a man who was always one way, now you are disappointed he's still that way?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As I suspected, he's playing most of the time after work. You do most of the work around the house and you have a job. When you two are together you are usually not engaged in quality time together. 

Your relationship is in big trouble. Right now you are in the early stages, only 2.5 years. For the first 12 to 24 months of a relationship, a couple is usually in the infatuation period. That's when we see the other person through rose color glasses. After that the rose colored filters come off and we start to see reality. This is where you are at. And he's not paying attention to you bringing up real concerns.

Here is something to read about how this usually plays out: Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order. Do the work that they say to do. Once you do that you will be better equipped to talk to your husband about how your relationship needs to change.

Then let him know that what's going on is NOT ok. You two need to be spending at least 15 hours a week together in quality couples time. Beyond that, you can both have your hobbies and activities. But you need to the time together to nurture your relationship. And, he needs to stop treating you like the housekeeper and maid. If you were not there, he would be doing his own cleaning, cooking and shopping. It's his responsibility to do about 50% of it all now. It's not him helping you. It's him acting like a grown up adult and taking responsibility.

I hope you two and work this out. But somehow you need to get him to take your seriously.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He is 37 and never been in a relationship. Therefore, single life is all he knows and enjoys--if he never changed before now. He also seems to focus on a lot of online--solitary---games, etc. Guess darts are the exception. 

Does he have married friends? I love Alaska. Do y'all have any outdoor hobbies?

During your time together you saw who he was and it appears you negotiated how time would be spent. It is tough having no weeknights together. (So, as it turns out I love college football and am a rabid fan.) Maybe there could be a compromise here--grin.

The QUALITY of time (not just quantity) is a big part of your issue? You though he would change, yet he considers you to be a 'burden' for whom he has sacrificed his pleasures in life. Are there feelings of connection and intimacy? Hope there is some resolution before you consider children.

( FYI: I much prefer breaking up large paragraphs into smaller ones when thoughts change.)


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> As I suspected, he's playing most of the time after work. You do most of the work around the house and you have a job. When you two are together you are usually not engaged in quality time together.
> 
> Your relationship is in big trouble. Right now you are in the early stages, only 2.5 years. For the first 12 to 24 months of a relationship, a couple is usually in the infatuation period. That's when we see the other person through rose color glasses. After that the rose colored filters come off and we start to see reality. This is where you are at. And he's not paying attention to you bringing up real concerns.
> 
> ...



I agree with all of this. The biggest problem I think you face is his age. He's 37. As the saying goes, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. He's been used to his way or the highway pretty much all of his adult life. This is going to be a tough uphill battle. I'm not saying not to give 100% effort on your part to bring about the changes he needs to make. However, I would advise that you have a shorter time table for his turnaround than I would give someone in your shoes at say 23 and 27 years old respectively.


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## Raena (Aug 4, 2018)

Yes I know, I know....I just thought that he would mature in regards to these things. My fault for thinking


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## Raena (Aug 4, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I agree with all of this. The biggest problem I think you face is his age. He's 37. As the saying goes, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. He's been used to his way or the highway pretty much all of his adult life. This is going to be a tough uphill battle. I'm not saying not to give 100% effort on your part to bring about the changes he needs to make. However, I would advise that you have a shorter time table for his turnaround than I would give someone in your shoes at say 23 and 27 years old respectively.


That's the problem, I'm not getting a timetable on anything because he says I'm asking him to sacrifice who he is by spending less time with his hobbies. He thinks I'm asking him to give up everything, which is completely untrue and I have clarified that, numerous times. I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth trying to fight this battle.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If you ask that the relationship be a priority, and it is met with resistance and exaggeration of your requests, perhaps you have your answers.

He may think he can do this longer than you thus wear you down to acceptance... can he?

Is marriage more important to you than your happiness?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Raena said:


> That's the problem, I'm not getting a timetable on anything because he says I'm asking him to sacrifice who he is by spending less time with his hobbies. He thinks I'm asking him to give up everything, which is completely untrue and I have clarified that, numerous times. I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth trying to fight this battle.


It's my experience that when someone is so defensive that they start with the all or nothing thinking....it's basically stubbornness. I am sure he has an adult brain. He knows you aren't asking him to table ALL hobbies and fun pastimes. He's just creating a false dichotomy as a manipulation tactic.

I suggest sitting down on Sundays and planning out time to spend together each week. Try to get to 15 hours is you can.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your relationship is in big trouble.


Never a truer statement then this! Your H needs to be realistic with his hobbies. Going from one to the other and scheduling you in for "fill time" between his hobbies is formula for disaster. As I read your initial post, I thought, if Raena was not at the home the entire day her H was conducting his hobbies he would probably not even notice. 

Your H needs to come up with a compromise pronto. Further, changing his work schedule for the purpose of his hobbies and you do not factor in or qualify for a work schedule change is absolute crap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Raena said:


> Yes I know, I know....I just thought that he would mature in regards to these things. My fault for thinking


Did you live with him before you married him? If so, for how long?

Before you married, how many hours a week did the two of you spend together? Has this changed since you married?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

We all have life habits and choices that are not healthy for us or for relationships. When we discover this, mature adults make changes. I mean, "I've always been X" really isn't an adult defense of anything that isn't healthy. And I think most rational people would agree that not spending quality time together is NOT healthy for a marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I particularly like all the insults about being immature, combined with the problem being that he is too old.
My wife agreed to go on a walk with me Sunday evening, because she knew I needed quality time. She brought her book.
I guess we matured right out of it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Raena said:


> Yes I know, I know....I just thought that he would mature in regards to these things. My fault for thinking


Not your fault for thinking. Your fault for making baseless assumptions. Why would you think that a 37 year old man who has never been in a relationship will mature once you marry him? That doesn't actually make any sense. This is the man you married and this is how he is. If you don't like him, you might consider doing what Elegirl says and if he isn't interested in having an actual relationship with you, his wife, then you can end it.




Raena said:


> That's the problem, I'm not getting a timetable on anything because he says I'm asking him to sacrifice who he is by spending less time with his hobbies. He thinks I'm asking him to give up everything, which is completely untrue and I have clarified that, numerous times. I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth trying to fight this battle.


Actually that's not the problem. The problem is that you and he have completely different priorities and for some strange reason you thought he would grow up and have your priorities. That's pretty unrealistic.

You may not think that spending more time with you is a sacrifice, but to him it is. You are not his priority. His hobbies are his priorities. You are giving him everything he wants and he can still do his hobbies. If you keep complaining you won't be worth it to him and he will either completely shut you out or leave you.

I can't believe you are doing all the household chores as well. If this wasn't so sad for you, it would be funny. You are doing all the chores, giving him sex, and feeding him while he does whatever the hell he wants and only spends time with you when he feels like it, which isn't very often. Do you see what's going on here?

Edit to add:
If you have to beg for your husband to spend time with you or negotiate for it, he's not that into you. You are convenience to him, not his best friend and the light of his life. Seriously, this is not a good situation. Married people should be all about each other with hobbies and interests that support them as people without interfering with the relationship between the couple. 

Your husband found a woman who he was able to keep as an added bonus to the life he was already living and enjoying.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree with @ EleGirl and other posters. My concern is he seems to be all about control--that is really what you are describing. I'm thinking he is not too open with communication. Is he loving? What attracted you most in the beginning?

Did he have a good model for marriage in his FOO? The way you describe your life, it sounds very lonely even in the midst of marriage.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Raena said:


> Housework, I normally do, he helps if he has to. that goes for laundry too. I take the dog out and feed him. He rarely goes grocery shopping and I honestly can't tell you the last time we even went grocery shopping together.


Now why am I not surprised that someone THIS damned selfish has no problem expecting his wife to bring home a paycheck as well as do all the housework and everything else on top of it?

What exactly are you *getting *out of this marriage - besides a selfish man-child who thinks he's too damned good to lift a finger around the house and do his share, and who's actually ignorant enough to think that he's such a damned prize that you should be grateful for the few hours he ekes out of his OH so busy schedule for you? This is why I laugh every damned time I see these fools making comments about how marriage is so 'bad for men.' What a joke.

You're his mommy. Let me expound on that. You're his mommy who does everything for him *including* contributing to the bills. The only thing you* don't *do for Mr. Selfish is chew his food for him. 

I'd never settle for this **** show, nor should you.


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## Raena (Aug 4, 2018)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> If you ask that the relationship be a priority, and it is met with resistance and exaggeration of your requests, perhaps you have your answers.
> 
> He may think he can do this longer than you thus wear you down to acceptance... can he?
> 
> Is marriage more important to you than your happiness?


Marriage is not more important than my happiness; I am just not sure I want to throw in the towel, as of yet. But one thing is for sure that I need to have my needs met before I just do not care any longer.

Quite honestly, I am too hard headed to be worn down and especially with something I feel so strongly about. He knows when I am unhappy about certain things because I try to have a rational conversation with him.


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## Raena (Aug 4, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Did you live with him before you married him? If so, for how long?
> 
> Before you married, how many hours a week did the two of you spend together? Has this changed since you married?


We lived together for about a year before we were married. The schedule wasn't really the same because I worked as an admin in the oilfield and I was gone for 2 weeks at a time and home for 2 weeks, having that entire time off. We had a lot more issues then because, he wasn't a great communicator and I was constantly initiating the contact, when I was away and he would go to the bar 1-2 nights per week to play darts while I was gone but would stay out until anywhere from 11 to midnight or later. I tried to express to him that if we are in a relationship and he would be at the bar starting about 1:30 or 2 pm and be there until 11 or later, that wasn't setting a very good precedence for our relationship. When I would be on my days off, he would come home from work, immediately get his laptop out and spend his nights on his laptop until I asked him not to have it out until I went to sleep. 

I have never really calculated the number of hours we spend together in a week. Tuesdays through Fridays, I'll go home for lunch, that's about 45 minutes but a lot of the times, that isn't really quality time because he will have just woken up or he is getting ready for work. I'd say maybe 15 minutes is "quality" time, Thursdays he is off and we usually have a dart game, I get home about 5 or 5:30 and we might be out until 10 or so but that also involves other people, it isn't time focused on one another, maybe an hour combined on a Thursday. Fridays, it just depends, we might go to dinner, most of the time we're at the house, he is usually playing on his computer or a game on his PS4. I'd say maybe 2 hours out of a Friday. If it is his Saturday off, that's really up in the air, sometimes I can convince him to watch a movie or 2 with me and other days he just wants to play his games; with movies I'd say about 4 - 5 hours, if he's not into that then I get maybe 2-3 hours. If it is a Saturday he is working then, I might get maybe 2 hours, if I'm up when he gets home. That is the same for Sundays but more so an hour then because I'm asleep by the time he gets home.

One thing I did forget to mention in my original post is he has a very easy job...he is able to play darts in his free time at work with work friends or pull up a game on his computer or do his online poker, all while at work.


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## Raena (Aug 4, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> He is 37 and never been in a relationship. Therefore, single life is all he knows and enjoys--if he never changed before now. He also seems to focus on a lot of online--solitary---games, etc. Guess darts are the exception.
> 
> Does he have married friends? I love Alaska. Do y'all have any outdoor hobbies?
> 
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Raena said:


> We lived together for about a year before we were married. The schedule wasn't really the same because I worked as an admin in the oilfield and I was gone for 2 weeks at a time and home for 2 weeks, having that entire time off. We had a lot more issues then because, he wasn't a great communicator and I was constantly initiating the contact, when I was away and he would go to the bar 1-2 nights per week to play darts while I was gone but would stay out until anywhere from 11 to midnight or later. I tried to express to him that if we are in a relationship and he would be at the bar starting about 1:30 or 2 pm and be there until 11 or later, that wasn't setting a very good precedence for our relationship. When I would be on my days off, he would come home from work, immediately get his laptop out and spend his nights on his laptop until I asked him not to have it out until I went to sleep.
> 
> I have never really calculated the number of hours we spend together in a week. Tuesdays through Fridays, I'll go home for lunch, that's about 45 minutes but a lot of the times, that isn't really quality time because he will have just woken up or he is getting ready for work. I'd say maybe 15 minutes is "quality" time, Thursdays he is off and we usually have a dart game, I get home about 5 or 5:30 and we might be out until 10 or so but that also involves other people, it isn't time focused on one another, maybe an hour combined on a Thursday. Fridays, it just depends, we might go to dinner, most of the time we're at the house, he is usually playing on his computer or a game on his PS4. I'd say maybe 2 hours out of a Friday. If it is his Saturday off, that's really up in the air, sometimes I can convince him to watch a movie or 2 with me and other days he just wants to play his games; with movies I'd say about 4 - 5 hours, if he's not into that then I get maybe 2-3 hours. If it is a Saturday he is working then, I might get maybe 2 hours, if I'm up when he gets home. That is the same for Sundays but more so an hour then because I'm asleep by the time he gets home.
> 
> One thing I did forget to mention in my original post is he has a very easy job...he is able to play darts in his free time at work with work friends or pull up a game on his computer or do his online poker, all while at work.



You are living like a room mate. Your needs are not met at all. However, I see your H needs are met the entire week. Plus, he gets to play VIDEO GAMES. Let me tell you, the video gaming needs to be curtailed. Nothing but a time waster and time sucker. Been there, done that. Really screwed up the first few years of my marriage.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Are you his wife or mother ? 

You do his laundry, shopping, cooking and 
cleaning. He is an adult and time he started
acting like one. I love football but if my wife
wants to go do something, we go !! She is more 
important. 

Stop babysitting him and let him clean up after himself.
He is an adult in a relationship and needs to grow up.
Take control and tell him things need to change. If not 
tell him it is not working. It will only get worse.

You deserve to be happy and sound like a very good
person who married a child.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There has to be a reason for any man to reach 37 without having a relationship. 
He is the reason. 
This dart playing,poker playing video gamer. Who you married for reasons which frankly are beyond me.


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## Tknight (Jul 30, 2018)

Question for you or anyone.

I kind of feel like I am in the similar boat as your husband.

...But I pay all the bills and work full time. I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry and SO does most of the childcare. She is a stay home mom. I broke up with her a while back do to her nasty behavior but still we live together and improving our relationship is not a bad thing, especially for the kids' sake. 

See I made it really clear to her that my hobbies and my music career come before her. In the past when I dated I would date after all my work and hobby time had been fulfilled. If the work was not completed I would not go out, simple. Work first play later. I don't think she realized what it meant at the time, but over time for sure she has built up resentment towards me for that. But in your case he's not working lol. 

Quality time has been mentioned before by my ex, but I don't get what it means at all. When I am with my friends and we do things together, isn't that quality time with them? Why is this so difficult to convert to the romantic setting? 

What does it mean to spend quality time with your partner? Hang out, and just, talk? Talk about what? What if you aren't a "talker"? What if you don't really care and just want to relax when you get home? What if you are more of a person who likes do things together vs just hanging out and doing nothing? Frankly when it comes to chilling and doing nothing I always prefer to do it alone, I am an introvert and pretty selfish, but I at least pull weight around the house. I really don't understand how some people can spend so much time with each other, it boggles my mind, because like I said, I am an introvert, when I come and spend time alone is when I recharge. If I don't recharge I get really anxious and grumpy. Guys like me are truly better off alone it seems sadly. 

I'd go crazy in your case, I think you deserve better. Stop cleaning up after him asap.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Raena said:


> To me, those aren't really sacrifices, that's part of being an adult and being in a relationship. Am I just being inconsiderate and nerdy or what?


You are not being inconsiderate... but asking your husband to change who he is and him having reached the age of almost 40 with no history of relationships, he is an independent person that feels entitled to do whatever he wants. His idea of himself will likely just include himself and you are welcome to tag along. 

If he were just in his 20's and just learning to become independent from his parents, you could likely forge a bond in which his sense of self would be expanded to include you and envision the two of you as one (a family). 

The good news is that you have an independent man that is not needy or clingy, and there is some value in that. You don't need to take care of everything as he knows how to take care of everything for himself. So in that sense you can likely relax a little, focus on your own hobbies and try to perhaps find a new hobby the two of you enjoy as a couple. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Raena said:


> I mean I love him and he is an amazing person but maybe we just are not fundamentally right for each other.


What is amazing about him?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

badsanta said:


> You are not being inconsiderate... but asking your husband to change who he is and him having reached the age of almost 40 with no history of relationships, he is an independent person that feels entitled to do whatever he wants. His idea of himself will likely just include himself and you are welcome to tag along.
> 
> If he were just in his 20's and just learning to become independent from his parents, you could likely forge a bond in which his sense of self would be expanded to include you and envision the two of you as one (a family).
> 
> ...



I was thinking that, too. She is too young to act like a 50 year old, though. It's those folks, who have been together a long time and are comfortable with each other, who find themselves in hobbies of their own. Well, many times, anyway.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tknight said:


> Question for you or anyone.
> 
> I kind of feel like I am in the similar boat as your husband.
> 
> ...


You absolutely should NOT be in a relationship. This is a very selfish way of thinking.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Raena said:


> We lived together for about a year before we were married. The schedule wasn't really the same because I worked as an admin in the oilfield and I was gone for 2 weeks at a time and home for 2 weeks, having that entire time off. We had a lot more issues then because, he wasn't a great communicator and I was constantly initiating the contact, when I was away and he would go to the bar 1-2 nights per week to play darts while I was gone but would stay out until anywhere from 11 to midnight or later. I tried to express to him that if we are in a relationship and he would be at the bar starting about 1:30 or 2 pm and be there until 11 or later, that wasn't setting a very good precedence for our relationship. When I would be on my days off, he would come home from work, immediately get his laptop out and spend his nights on his laptop until I asked him not to have it out until I went to sleep.


So you really were aware of what you were getting into. Didn't all this bother you before you actually married? This would make me nuts. You pretty much only have two choices here... you can learn to deal with living with him as he is, accepting that this is who he is and what you married, or, you can end the marriage. Because I do not foresee him making any kind of changes. He didnt bother to make any when you were dating then living together, so he was showing you from the start that what you wanted or needed just was not relevant enough for him to make that effort. Yet you committed anyway. Everyone deserves their hobbies and their autonomy,I am not saying he needs to give up everything he enjoys. But if you are going to be in a relationship with another person, then you need to consider their needs too. This is where he dropped the ball.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I was going to reply to your post, but @EleGirl pretty much nailed it. 

I wish you much luck @Raena, and I hope you guys are able to change your dynamic. It's not easy, but doable from what I've heard! Also, set the timetable for YOURSELF, not for him. Like, a timetable for him to make more of an effort to contribute to changing your dynamic, BUT, set it in your mind in terms of how much longer you're willing to stay in a marriage like this. If I were in your shoes, I would probably give it 6 months, tops. Also, I would stop doing his laundry at the very least, and would do the bare minimum of cooking for him. Do you make his breakfasts and lunches? If so, that needs to stop. 
@Mr. Nail, your wife brought a BOOK along for your walk?! Did she read and walk at the same time? WTH.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Ursula said:


> @Mr. Nail, your wife brought a BOOK along for your walk?! Did she read and walk at the same time? WTH.


Just to bring you up to date and to reiterate the point about "quality time". Yes indeed she did read and walk at the same time. If she hadn't brought the book I would have talked with her. The book is her tool for avoiding conversation. She reads 3-4 full novels per week. I know because she charges them all to my account. We haven't had a meaningful, or longer than 5 minute, conversation this year. (I think I remember one than had to do with packing lists for our vacation.

At 52, I'm pretty sure that quality time is not something brought on by maturity. I'm obviously in no position to give advice about getting quality time. I know the couple I work for has the football season thing. She is the fan, but to be fair she does do her best to include his hobby (fishing) in their trips. My take on hobbies is that they enhance a persons life and make them more interesting. I think it is generally a mistake to over limit a spouses hobby time.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Firstly, you are NOT wrong. It looks like he has not let go of some of his "single man" ways. Marriage requires sacrifice. You are not asking him to give up his entire sports hobby but he does need to make adjustments. If a marriage is not nurtured IT WILL DIE. He need to learn this fast or else it will have a GREAT impact on your happiness. It has already begun and it will only get worse. This is how affairs begin too (not saying you desire to have an affair) but when people don't get the attention they crave from their spouse, it is easy to look to someone else who will give you the time.

So, you need to sit him down and have a heart to heart conversation about how his actions make you feel. He needs to hear your pain. He needs to hear the lonliness you feel and the hurt you feel when he can make time for his sports hobby but can't make time for you. Don't attack him, just share your feelings. If he really loves you and really wants to make the marriage work, he will come up with something. If he is selfish and self-centered..he will make up excuses.

here is an example of what you can say:

Honey can I talk to you about something? Last week I asked you to cancel your plans to go to the baseball game so that we can spend time together going to the concert. You told me that it was important and you really didn't want to do it. I feel hurt because I miss spending time with you and we already have challenges in our schedule. There will be other games but our marriage needs nuturing. When you choose your hobbies over me I feel cheated. How do you think we can create more time with each other?

This is the "I feel, because, when" template taught in many communication courses. That was a bit stiff but you get the idea. When people hear how their actions make you feel instead of you attacking them with things like "You are so inconsiderate!" "You don't care about me!"...they tend to be more open to really hear you. 

I'm not trying to be a counselor here but I am so afraid that if he doesn't change his mindset about his time...you guys are going to be in trouble. Your work schedules are challenging enough but unless he is in the NFL and NBA making millions as a job....sports is nothing more than a hobby and it should not be a priority over you and the marriage.

Good luck.


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