# Should i divorce?



## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

Hello friends. I know that i've been posting other threads about the problems that i have with my wife, that i was having a flirting with other girl, and the sex issues with my wife but this
one is more serious. We'are almost divorcing, 6 years of marrige gone. Yesterday we had a conversation. I have some issues that she says if i don't fix things she will divorce me, thats not the first time. And my problems are with my parents (sometimes i don't have a nice relationship with them), i have emotional problems with unhappiness, insecurity, fear, lack of self confidence, low self esteem, she says also that i have to try harder in our services in the church, pray and read the bible more often, that i must have more attitude , that i have to be more social, that i have to change in a lot of things. My friends, i confess that i have these issues and that i must change for my own goodness but dont you think she has a conditional love for me, that's all because if i do what she desires she stays with me other way she get's divorced? Guys, the bible says "Love is patient and kind, hopes all things, endures all things." 
We don't have kids, she even said that sometimes she thinks she'll have with other man. This was very harmful for me, very!
What you think? Who knows even if i change, in the future she finds other "issues" to challenge me again? She loves to challenge me. Don't you she's bossy? What should i do? I told her that i'm confused, i don't know if i want this marriage too.
I'm very sad, very, my friends. Crying a lot. I really need advices.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

Come on friends, i really need advices!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lfortender said:


> Hello friends. I know that i've been posting other threads about the problems that i have with my wife, that i was having a flirting with other girl, and the sex issues with my wife but this
> one is more serious. We'are almost divorcing, 6 years of marrige gone. Yesterday we had a conversation. I have some issues that she says if i don't fix things she will divorce me, thats not the first time. And my problems are with my parents (sometimes i don't have a nice relationship with them), i have emotional problems with unhappiness, insecurity, fear, lack of self confidence, low self esteem, she says also that i have to try harder in our services in the church, pray and read the bible more often, that i must have more attitude , that i have to be more social, that i have to change in a lot of things. My friends, i confess that i have these issues and that i must change for my own goodness but dont you think she has a conditional love for me, that's all because if i do what she desires she stays with me other way she get's divorced? Guys, the bible says "Love is patient and kind, hopes all things, endures all things."
> We don't have kids, she even said that sometimes she thinks she'll have with other man. This was very harmful for me, very!
> What you think? Who knows even if i change, in the future she finds other "issues" to challenge me again? She loves to challenge me. Don't you she's bossy? What should i do? I told her that i'm confused, i don't know if i want this marriage too.
> I'm very sad, very, my friends. Crying a lot. I really need advices.


First of all, it's perfectly normal to be sad about the breakup of a marriage, but please don't let fear of a single future stop you from moving forward.

Secondly, the only "unconditional" love that exists is between a parent and child, not a spouse. Unconditional love means that you love someone merely because they exist and it requires no effort of their part and is freely given. I love my children simply because they exist. They can be wonderful, they can make me angry sometimes, but so long as they exist in this world I love them. That is not marital love.

Do you really want to be "jumping through hoops" (conditions) for the rest of your life with your spouse? She will only love if you meet a condition, then later find some new condition with which to "earn" her love? Can she not love you for who you are, right now and as is? If not, you should simply get a divorce now and move on. Find someone who will love you as you are today.

As to her even thinking about some other man fathering her children, that right there would be a deal-breaker in the marriage. No spouse should ever say such a hurtful thing.

Obviously she has divorce on her mind. It's up to you to grant her request or not. You may want to work on your self esteem issues and gain some confidence before continuing in this marriage. She has to accept you as an equal partner and not boss you around.

Just random thoughts here for you to ponder. Good luck.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> First of all, it's perfectly normal to be sad about the breakup of a marriage, but please don't let fear of a single future stop you from moving forward.
> 
> Secondly, the only "unconditional" love that exists is between a parent and child, not a spouse. Unconditional love means that you love someone merely because they exist and it requires no effort of their part and is freely given. I love my children simply because they exist. They can be wonderful, they can make me angry sometimes, but so long as they exist in this world I love them. That is not marital love.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your words. Last night we had another conversation. She regretted , cried a lot, and asked my forgiveness, i said yes no heart feelings. I told her that i think i'm not valuable for her because of this conditional love. I forgot to tell you when she told me about some other man fathering her children she was crying a lot, i don't know what this means. I told her even though i work on my changes she has to work on hers too, i told her which they are, she said she would do it. 
I'm thinking about in dare her for this: "NExt time you challenge me and say if i don't change you want to divorce, i, all by myself, will get all your stuff and take you to your mothers house and divorce you, ok?" What do you think i tell her that?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Threatening divorce over everyday common flaws is a very serious thing. It's not right that she is doing that. My first thought is that she may be having an affair. Can you put a keylogger on her computer and a VAR in her car and find out for sure?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lfortender said:


> Thanks for your words. Last night we had another conversation. She regretted , cried a lot, and asked my forgiveness, i said yes no heart feelings. I told her that i think i'm not valuable for her because of this conditional love. I forgot to tell you when she told me about some other man fathering her children she was crying a lot, i don't know what this means. I told her even though i work on my changes she has to work on hers too, i told her which they are, she said she would do it.
> I'm thinking about in dare her for this: "NExt time you challenge me and say if i don't change you want to divorce, i, all by myself, will get all your stuff and take you to your mothers house and divorce you, ok?" What do you think i tell her that?


If you do that, you're just committing the same crime. The fact that she's done it to you doesn't make it any more right. And you better be prepared for her to call your bluff. 

Personally, I wouldn't tell her that. But just call her bluff next time she does it. 

C
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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah, wow, do NOT threaten her with divorce. That would be a horrible thing to do. And you certainly can't complain about conditional love while making your conditions for love clear.

Do you recognize that her needs are equally important to your own? And that it is not fair for you to expect her to change herself before you'll commit to changing for her as well? You need to be a man and take the first step. Be the first to sacrifice. Be a leader. Never ever demand anything from her that you aren't willing to do first.

And remember, love is not a feeling, it is an act. You choose to love your wife every day or you do not, but it is your choice.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

cdbaker said:


> Yeah, wow, do NOT threaten her with divorce. That would be a horrible thing to do. And you certainly can't complain about conditional love while making your conditions for love clear.
> 
> Do you recognize that her needs are equally important to your own? And that it is not fair for you to expect her to change herself before you'll commit to changing for her as well? You need to be a man and take the first step. Be the first to sacrifice. Be a leader. Never ever demand anything from her that you aren't willing to do first.
> 
> And remember, love is not a feeling, it is an act. You choose to love your wife every day or you do not, but it is your choice.


You're right. Love is not a feeling, it is an act. Said that, that's all. Nice! But i have my needs too, if she wants my change so i have rights to call her changes as well.


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

Sounds like you guys need to get to the root of your issues. Find out what is really going on and listen to one another. Truly listen to each other. Save yourselves the hassle of later, sooner. I got a wake up call but unfortunately it might be to late


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lfortender said:


> Hello friends. I know that i've been posting other threads about the problems that i have with my wife, that i was having a* flirting with other girl, and the sex issues with my wife* but this
> one is more serious. We'are almost divorcing, 6 years of marrige gone. Yesterday we had a conversation. I have some issues that *she says if i don't fix things she will divorce me, thats not the first time.* And my problems are with my parents (sometimes i don't have a nice relationship with them), i have emotional problems with unhappiness, insecurity, fear, lack of self confidence, low self esteem, she says also that i have to try harder in our services in the church, pray and read the bible more often, that i must have more attitude , that i have to be more social, that i have to change in a lot of things. My friends, i confess that i have these issues and that i must change for my own goodness but dont you think she has a conditional love for me, that's all because if i do what she desires she stays with me other way she get's divorced? Guys, the bible says "Love is patient and kind, hopes all things, endures all things."
> We don't have kids, she even said that sometimes she thinks she'll have with other man. This was very harmful for me, very!
> What you think? Who knows even if i change, in the future she finds other "issues" to challenge me again? She loves to challenge me. Don't you she's bossy? What should i do? I told her that i'm confused, i don't know if i want this marriage too.
> I'm very sad, very, my friends. Crying a lot. I really need advices.


Based on this information and your attitude it seems like you have gone astray and still fail to realize the issue and reason for threats of divorce on not every day issues but your unfaithfulness as a spouse. She set a boundary and your pitching a fit about it. That's what it looks like to me. She has every right to set these boundaries and if it leads to divorce... at least she can find someone who actually cares enough to want her trust and respects her and loves her enough to be loyal.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Based on this information and your attitude it seems like you have gone astray and still fail to realize the issue and reason for threats of divorce on not every day issues but your unfaithfulness as a spouse. She set a boundary and your pitching a fit about it. That's what it looks like to me. She has every right to set these boundaries and if it leads to divorce... at least she can find someone who actually cares enough to want her trust and respects her and loves her enough to be loyal.


I don't know if she is loyal to me. Who knows? Maybe she cheated on me once, who knows? Maybe she had sex with other guy, who knows? I don't trust her too!


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

Guys, i dont Know what to do anymore. I think i'l end up divorcing! Yesterday she bad another conversation with me challenging the same issues all over again! Again! I can't believe that, i can't do this anymore, i'm not her toy!!
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