# The 1-day sex challenge?



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

I've gotten a lot of good advice in previous posts and my wife and I are communication better. She's actually waking up earlier, is doing a lot of housework and is seeming happier. She's hasn't been drinking on her meds and is changing some others. 

We are communicating much better as well. She knows that I'm having issues with the frequency of sex. I think she wants to work on it, but I'm trying to find a way. 

So I'm logical, I've been Googling and I read about he 30-day sex challenge. So I'm looking at it as... Yay! I may have sex for 30-days. So I have sufficient motivation to try. But, at the same time, I'm biased towards anything that gives me more sex. So maybe it's not the best idea or there may be unintended consequences? 

Here's why I think it may be beneficial and applicable to our relationship. First, we are in a lull and I think my own resentments are growing. We haven't had sex in 3 weeks. My wife doesn't think sex is a priority(her words), but when we do have sex, she enjoys it. It took a few years for us to figure it out, but she does orgasm. 

The idea of requiring it, will force some scheduling. Not having time or it being the wrong time seems to always be the issue. If it's required we have to make time. 

In addition, it seems like we both want intimacy, but we both have difficulty getting from here to there. Now, my idea of intimacy may end in sex, but after asking her what her idea of intimacy is, it's very similar to mine. In fact, if we used her definition for intimacy, and practiced it, we'd have more sex. In other words, intimacy doesn't rule out sex, it prepares for it. She may deny that, but if I give her her idea of intimacy, she'll be wanting it. But, I get rejected for trying either. 

It's really embarrassing for me to have to ask tips on how to get more sex from my wife. It feels self-serving. But, at this point, I think I just have to say it's important to me. I think my wife is attractive, and probably like every other guy I think about my alone time with her all day long. It's when it comes, and doesn't turn out like I expected that I start questioning things. 

So I guess the question is (and I already suggested it to her)whether the 30-day challenge is a good idea. Or is asking for 2-years worth of sex too far too fast? Should I go for the 1-day sex challenge first?:scratchhead:


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

My opinion.... and it is just my opinion... is that the 30 day sex challenge is not really for couples who are having issues with sexual frequency.

I see it as more of a challenge for those who already have a good relationship and are just looking for a fun challenge. It is more like a marathoner taking on an ironman competition.

An average athlete would not want to take on an ironman competition. But I see the attraction behind the idea. It is the same kind of reasoning why people go on crash diets or do something else extreme rather than try to make small and consistent adjustments to their lives.

I read a book called "Sex, Man and God" and the writer presented what I thought was a very good idea for how to increase the frequency of your sexual activity with your wife. Of course the writer needs to make a living so I am not going to try to summarize everything that he said but with his plan you would be guaranteed to have sex at least twice a week, possibly more. And each spouse shares the responsibility, so there should be no chance for resentments to start.

You should check it out. I know it didn't cost much and like I said, I thought his plan was good.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

OP. I sent you a PM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> It's really embarrassing for me to have to ask tips on how to get more sex from my wife. *It feels self-serving.* But, at this point, I think I just have to say it's important to me. I think my wife is attractive, and probably like every other guy I think about my alone time with her all day long. It's when it comes, and doesn't turn out like I expected that I start questioning things.


This is part of the problem. Sex with your wife is *not* self-serving. It's an expression of physical and emotional (and maybe spiritual?) intimacy. You have probably convinced yourself, as I once had, that since you like sex, and it feels good, that asking for it is being selfish. Especially when she's not in the mood.

First, realize how important sex is to your marriage, then convince her of the same. Compare it to spending time together. What if you only saw each other once a month? How close would you feel then?

Then, you need to figure out what's blocking her attraction to you. This can be tough, especially if you're not having regular, open communication. She may not even realize what it is. And it may not be something simple to change. But "knowing is half the battle."


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

It really depends on the mindset of each partner and the expectations that result from trying this.

I have yet to try this, and I may suggest it at some point. I think my wife may actually agree to it, however I'm not convinced it would make any difference after the 30 days, and here's why:

some people just don't need sex, or at least frequent sex. Your wife, like mine, enjoys sex and gets something out of it (whether it's physical or emotional, or both), but it's not a day-to-day requirement, and likely never will be.

I believe my wife falls into that category, where she COULD enjoy it every day for 30 days, and even bring us closer together. The benefits for both of us would be very apparent. But at the end of the 30 days, I think she'd go right back into the normal habits quickly and we're back to square one.

That's not to say this plan doesn't work, but as said above, it's more likely to work when 2 people are on the same page to begin with and BOTH parties recognize the need for more sexual intimacy.

If one partner is content with the current frequency, there's not a lot the other can do to change that - no matter how good the sex is, or the benefits derived by either party.

If you bring this up to your wife and she shows even the slightest hesitation, I'd venture to say it won't do anything, even if she agrees to it. If she thinks it's a great idea and is all for it, then go for it!

But temper your expectations big time, for your sake.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

I think it may be taken off the table. I'm thinking that my wife's response to it may actually give me more insight into the problem then the actual 30-day exercise will. 

Though she didn't reject it outright, she started listing the things over the month that would prevent us from completing it. It sounded a lot like the list of reasons she usually gives me for not wanting sex.

If scheduling was the issue, I think we could overcome, but I think that's the excuse and not the issue. I just don't know what the issue is. Maybe she just has too much going on in her mind.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

my stamina isn't what it used to be, I couldn't do 30 times in one day


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> my stamina isn't what it used to be, I couldn't do 30 times in one day


Worth a try though


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

says the guy whose name is love=pain


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Having sex for 30 days isn't going to change a LD to a HD or even to an AD person, sex drive is hormones and internal wiring.
Hormones may change the drive of a person for awhile but sooner or later they go back to who they are, no matter how good it feels it still won't change.

My wife is AD to HD (i think, lucky for me she rarely says no) I am HD, she gets ancy after 4-5 days maybe even a week not me anything more than 2 days and I am looking for a knot hole in the fence.

Maybe it's more about communicating your sexual needs and her telling you about her's and looking for middle ground and see where it goes.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> says the guy whose name is love=pain


HAHA well I do enjoy pain with my pleasure or more like pleasure with my pain.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

Hello. I am new here. First post. I am 59 and my wife is 48. We are best friends. We have not been married that long but we are both on our second marriage. Our frequency is at two to three times per week which keeps me wanting but allows her to build up. After reading most of these posts I feel very lucky to have such a great relationship with her. I really believe being best friends is what makes great marriages work. It's not like we do not have things perfect. But because we discuss everything there isn't anything we do not think we can over come.

I may be off topic but just wanted to share.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Rooster2014 said:


> Hello. I am new here. First post. I am 59 and my wife is 48. We are best friends. We have not been married that long but we are both on our second marriage. Our frequency is at two to three times per week which keeps me wanting but allows her to build up. After reading most of these posts I feel very lucky to have such a great relationship with her. I really believe being best friends is what makes great marriages work. It's not like we do not have things perfect. But because we discuss everything there isn't anything we do not think we can over come.
> 
> I may be off topic but just wanted to share.


Nope you are right on everything in a relationship revolves around communication the more you talk about what is going on the easier it is to find a solution or at least allow the other person insight to what is going on in your head


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

love=pain said:


> Nope you are right on everything in a relationship revolves around communication the more you talk about what is going on the easier it is to find a solution or at least allow the other person insight to what is going on in your head


I learned a lot from my previous failure of a marriage. I didn't go searching for the best in bed or the best looking girl I looked for a friend first then grew the relationship from there. In my eyes she is the best. Again, we have days were we discuss needs and wants. She works her butt off to keep me happy. But she gets back 110percent to her. I hope those who are looking for someone else consider getting a best friend first. Then seeing where that goes. JMO


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Rooster2014 said:


> I learned a lot from my previous failure of a marriage. I didn't go searching for the best in bed or the best looking girl I looked for a friend first then grew the relationship from there. In my eyes she is the best. Again, we have days were we discuss needs and wants. She works her butt off to keep me happy. But she gets back 110percent to her. I hope those who are looking for someone else consider getting a best friend first. Then seeing where that goes. JMO


A good friend who divorced after his wife cheated multiple time has echoed this(he is getting remarried next year).
He says the new relationship is bullsh1t free(2nd marriage for them both) with both of them knowing what is really important communication, friendship etc.
What I did find enlightening he told me it seemed like in his first marriage they were always fighting the ghosts of previous arguments(they were married young) and this relationship seems much more grown up


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

love=pain said:


> A good friend who divorced after his wife cheated multiple time has echoed this(he is getting remarried next year).
> He says the new relationship is bullsh1t free(2nd marriage for them both) with both of them knowing what is really important communication, friendship etc.
> What I did find enlightening he told me it seemed like in his first marriage they were always fighting the ghosts of previous arguments(they were married young) and this relationship seems much more grown up


I'm not much different than most guys on here. I like certain things in bed just like the rest. My wife knows that. She is a lot more conservative that most. However I think if I devote my attention to satisfying her needs mine will get met. Jmo


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm just not sure what to do to help. I don't know if our problem is making time or just that she cannot get beyond her anxiety. I'm thinking the latter. That would explain why, when we are getting busy, she brings up very off topic conversations. 

I'm not really just looking to increase the frequency, but also the quality. I would like her to focus on me when I'm focusing on her. She's always just seems to want to get it over with. 

I'm fearful of the challenge for that reason. What if quantity increases and quality decreases?


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> I'm just not sure what to do to help. I don't know if our problem is making time or just that she cannot get beyond her anxiety. I'm thinking the latter. That would explain why, when we are getting busy, she brings up very off topic conversations.
> 
> I'm not really just looking to increase the frequency, but also the quality. I would like her to focus on me when I'm focusing on her. She's always just seems to want to get it over with.
> 
> I'm fearful of the challenge for that reason. What if quantity increases and quality decreases?


Let me offer one bit of thought. Tonight ask her out on a date. Take her where ever she wants to go. Tomorrow buy her flowers. When she argues about something say nothing but I love you. Do not stop doing things for her everyday for a while not just today. Do not expect anything in return for a while. I'd bet you anything she will change. Remember, your wife is the same person you married. Just her attitude changed. Work to change it back. Jmo


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Rooster2014 said:


> Do not expect anything in return for a while.


This is very important. What you are doing is building intimacy. Be as personal as possible in your giving and doing. In order for her to relax she had to believe that you expect nothing in return. You might start by saying something like, "I understand your reluctance to have sex, but I think we need to continue to have affection and non sexual intimacy in our relationship. I will be doing something to promote affection or non sexual intimacy every day for a while." Hopefully she will quickly learn to appreciate and look forward to your efforts.
MN


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

capncrunch said:


> This is part of the problem. Sex with your wife is *not* self-serving. It's an expression of physical and emotional (and maybe spiritual?) intimacy. You have probably convinced yourself, as I once had, that since you like sex, and it feels good, that asking for it is being selfish. Especially when she's not in the mood.
> 
> First, realize how important sex is to your marriage, then convince her of the same. Compare it to spending time together. What if you only saw each other once a month? How close would you feel then?
> 
> Then, you need to figure out what's blocking her attraction to you. This can be tough, especially if you're not having regular, open communication. She may not even realize what it is. And it may not be something simple to change. But "knowing is half the battle."


This!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The 30-day challenge should last me thru 2035.... Oh wait consecutive days scratch that 

Scheduling and negotiating has a big problem in that you have to take your partner's word at face value when the schedule is "broken" or not used due to illness, "illness", etc.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Im not familiar with the 30 day challange. I am assuming it has something to do with having sex every day for 30 days. Is that correct?

If it is correct I would advise against it. My H and I early in our marriage attempted this. (or at least attempted to have sex every day for 30 day) It was horrible. Day one and two were not to bad for me, after that I was done, after day 7,8,9 my H was kind of tired of doing this all the time. I just became meaningless sex. Just do it so we could both say yep we did it every day for 30 days, and hope no one asked how was it.

We have had far better luck with going with out for 60 days. My H may beg to differ. (I know my T was worth every penny after that) But it forced us to rely on other ways to show affection and show we care. It gave me a break from worrying "Will he ask for sex tonight" or man if e lay near each other in bed he is gonna want to have sex. When sex was taken off the table my happiness a d contentment increased. As happiness and contentment increases so does sex drive. The last 2 weeks of the 6 to 8 week time with no sex, my T let it be up to me to decide when and if we had sex. Since I was the one with the LD issue. 

In listening to your story though it reminds me of something else. Is there any chance that somewhere in your wife's background during or before your marriage she was mistreated or bused sexually. When you said it is like she wants you to hurry up, that sounds like me. Along with LD. Definitely me. I didn't realize the full impact of my past abuse until I felt safe and secure in my relationship (18 years int it) and in my late 30's when my hormonal fluctuations evened out. It might be worth asking her. If my H would have asked earlier in our relationship a lot of marital issues could have been avoided. I didn't have the strenght to come right out and tell him. Abuse does that to a person though.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

john117 said:


> The 30-day challenge should last me thru 2035.... Oh wait consecutive days scratch that


My ex was great at the 30-year challenge. Once a year in consecutive years - except near the end!

(Okay, there's some hyperbole in that. Mea culpa.)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Big Mama, once sex is off the table keep in mind that a partner is free to express his/her true views un encumbered by the "fog of pleasure" 

It's up to the gatekeeper of intimacy to decide the pros and cons of sex vs no sex. 

I agree that sex for 30 days in a row is not for all people. For some it could be outright counterproductive. But going the opposite way instead of finding a way to resolve issues in a marriage is just as counterproductive.

If it's an activity I love I could see doing it every day regardless. After two 25 mile bike rides Friday and Saturday I had to drag myself out of bed this morning for a lousy 15 mile ride. I'll get some rest today and try another 25 tomorrow.

But cycling is not like sex. I don't build or maintain an emotional connection with my bike (when I buy me a $4k carbon fiber frame probably I will :lol: ) but with a caring and living partner I do.

Ignore your partner long enough and your partner turns into some resemblance of me. As another poster wryly observed, not having to deal with someone like me is worth the sex if one is LD.

And I'm not a monster, mind you. Just your average guy who would like nothing more than to have his day in the sun... Not quite something out of Lifetime Movie Network (ESPN for LD's :rofl: ) but not a lived-happily-ever-after with unicorns and puppies and kittens and rainbows either.


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