# why do I feel sorry for ex



## bellringer

Well after a year and a half of going back and forth in court were finally divorced. he told me he was sad the last court date. he is the one who wanted out says it was because he was bored, we all know what Im gonna say now, he met someone. well she must be gone already because over the summer last yr my son hardly ever seen him, now he is here everyday, and at his mothers when he isnt. I finally had to tell him last night he has been here to much and our son is getting mixed up. I told him its not good for our son to have him here all the time, he is starting to think were getting back together(I know all kids want their parents together) he tells me and my ex while he here kiss daddy or kiss mommy. he even asked his father if he could sleep here the other day.


I had to tell him daddy has his own place and you sleep there, he dont get it as he is only 7, he sees his father here all the time, eating dinner with us and hanging out till 9pm and he thinks hes coming back. easter sunday ex came in the am to pick up our son, he tells me it smelled good, i was cooking for my family, I asked what he was eating he said your gonna laugh, they were going to a chinese buffet, him his mom and his brother and his wife, I was always the one who did the holidays, he said its not what I wanted, now mind you his parents there divorced so his mother loves that were divorced, She gets her son back for herself. my ex is very intimidated by his parents, im sure they no nothing of him being here all the time.


anyway I felt bad and told him well when you drop son off you can make yourself a plate to go home. so he comes back later with son and starts hanging around, he looked at my sons things he got for easter 5 times, my son even told him daddy you seen my stuff 5 times you can leave now(we were gonna play and him being there interupts son)lol then the n ext day son was sleeping at his house, he comes to get him and asks if i had any ham left told him yes so he ate again. then wednesday while waiting at the bus stop to get son, ex shows up, tells me oh I got him fries, so son gets off bus and into my car, ex gets in the back seat gives him his fries and sits there talking to him, then asks what are you guys doing tonite? I said nothing going home I have to cook and were staying in, so we leave, we get home he calls like half hour later and my son always answers his calls, son says to me what time we eating daddy wants to come take me to play basketball, i said 5:30 so quarter past 5 he shows up I say why you here so early, son hasnt even eaten yet, oh he hasnt, i said no i told you 5:30, I said go play and I will call when its done.



so when it was done I called they came back, I had it on the table and ex was standing there, so I said your welcome to eat, he sat down and ate with us, then he hung around all nite. the next day he again shows up at the bus stop this time with a donut for son(3pm not donut time) asks what were doing again, nothing going home cooking burgers and playing, ok will call later. get home half hour later he calls son tells him gonna be eating soon, then says to me mommy daddy wants to bring a pizza over I said well no were eating, I cook we ate and half hour after that doorbell rings, its him with pizza, I said I told you I was cooking, and son told you to, no he didnt he says, oh mabey I didnt hear you. so they ate I watched tv, then son went to his room for something so I said to ex, you have been here all week and son is getting the wrong message.


he ended up asking son to take a walk to throw out the trash, so I text him cause my son gets mad if i tell ex things like you cant come here anymore, so I text him I dont mind if you see son, you can see him everyday but you have to pick him up and go out, you cant hang here as he is getting the wrong message, I said you see he wants us to kiss and you to sleep over, he thinks were getting back together. they came back in and I knew he read the text because he said to son ok daddy has to go, he then said he would pick son up from the bus stop tomorrow. I said how you gonna get his clothes, he spends the nite there, he said put them in hi school backpack. I think I hurt his feelings but he is the one who wanted out, guess it wasnt that boring here after all. I still talk to his sister in law and I told her and she thinks its not normal either, she is infact gonna run this by his parents, see I think in the beginning if he didnt get his parents so involved he would have tried to work on this. they would be so mad and he knows it, he is scared of them. I am just wondering what everyone here thinks. I guess the grass isnt always greener, or mabey he does just want to be with son.


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## Jellybeans

Yeah it sounds like the grass wasn't greener and now that he doesn't have his sidepiece anymore, he sees what he walked away from.

You were right to state your boundaries and tell him your son was probably feeling confused.

Good for you. It sucks seeing your ex in such a position but like you said, he made his choice, he wanted the divorce. 

Good luck to you.


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## Shelly29

What are you thinking from all this? I know when you see it fomr otuside the bubble the first thing is like.. oh no ! put yoru foot down etc etc... but a piece of your heart belonged to him (or is it vice versa?) and you can't help but feel for that person....

How are you handling that and do you think you will lay down the law?


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## bellringer

I did tell him, I told him the other night, while he was here. I think I hurt his feelings but I cant worry about that anymore, I mean I did so good never once asked him to come home, never begged him, it was all about my son and I, he wanted to leave and you cant change something you have no control over so I just moved on. I kinda felt cold cause it didnt take me long to say screw him. but I did keep real busy with my son, as I said in my posts we were never around, always out having fun. 


I still care for him, of course we were together for 20 years, but his choice was to leave, he wasnt happy, I was, I like the family life I love staying home and taking care of my family, he got bored, guess it wasnt that boring here if hes here all the time now. well im sure gf dumped him to, he was always controlling and she prob seen that, hes super nice now. but feelings change, mabey we can be friends for the sake of our son, but he cant hang here, its awkward, I have alot of friends and some are male and when they call I feel funny answering the phone while hes here. the other day the phone rung while he was here and my son said mommy get that, daddy wants to hear you on the phone, he didnt come up with that on his own, so I am sure his father said it to him. cause my ex said oh andrew stop, then he said to me where did we get him from, he was all nervous. so yes I did tell him and set the boundries. 


lets see how long it lasts. he is arrogant like that he didnt listen to the judge or lawyers, he continues to call here as much as he pleases even though the lawyers(his to) told him 2 calls a day to son is enough. he is just lonely, when he meets someone he wont be around again like he wasnt when he left. and my son dont need to go through that again. as for me I am fine, I miss the family things we did, but I must admit I like being alone to. my sister keeps asking if I would go back if he came back, I cant answer that, im being honest, im not sure i can feel the same love for him i once had. I had an ex i was engaged to and we broke up he got married, he ended up getting divorced, and called me i went to his place to meet him and I even watched the video of his wedding, it didnt bother me, he wanted to start something up but i had 0 feelings for him, time goes by and feelings change. 


Im to easy going, life is way to short, it takes to much to be *****y for me i get exhausted. its not worth it. I lost both my parents when i was in my 20s and that was the worst thing i even had to go through, I dont have time to sit around and dwell on things, I have a child to raise, and believe me we have more fun together, my son and i always did things without my ex when we were married so things didnt change much.


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## Shelly29

I like the attitude you take on all this and it does make sense to not put too much emotion because like you said...he was bored with life but you loved it... I was in the same boat so I need to keep the same attitude you are....its his loss and you can't dwell on that... chin up and move forward with life. 

Good for ya!


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## bellringer

yesterday was opening day for our sons t ball and ex was all alone as his parents wont go anywhere I am, so sad, they wont go see there first grandchild play cause they dont like me, and I wasnt the one who left, my son asked later why papa didnt come, I just said mabey he was busy, I told him it doesnt matter who shows up the most important people were there to see him, mommy and daddy. and my family was there, wish my parents were alive because he could see what real grandparents are like. but my sisters and brothers came. myu ex should be disgusted with his parents but hes not, guess its ok with him. all he did to me and my family when they see him hug him and talk with him, but my family is forgiving and easy going, he was alone so he followed me and my sister like a puppydog all day. but we walked faster so he was following us. guess I better get used to that since he has no one from his family at these games. after the game ex took son to the circus, he called during intermission to tell me they had front row so they brought them into the show, then he says do you want to talk to son, i said yeah thinking isnt that why he called cause son wanted to talk to me, and no son didnt even want to talk to me, so I guess ex finds the need to call and tell me play by play what is happening, I should have told him to call someone who cares, but again im to nice.


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## sisters359

Remember you are not responsible for his happiness-even as his wife, you weren't. Each of us has to find that inside ourselves. By taking on that responsibility-worrying about his feelings, trying to "help" because you think he is sad--you are contributing to your son's confusion, so use that thought as fuel to help you become more assertive. You can find resources online for assertiveness or assertiveness training. It will help you find ways to communicate nicely without being a pushover. If you already know the ex will disappear again when he finds another girlfriend, it is not a good idea to let your son get used to being around dad so much. It sounds like you are a good mom and wanting to keep your problems with ex from affecting your son, but sometimes this means taking a firmer stand. Good luck!


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## bellringer

I am trying to protect my sons feelings, last nite he was a little upset that I told his father he cant hang here, he said mom your not his boss, I explained to him that this is our house now and not his fathers and his dad can pick him up anytime he wants he just cant come in because mommy needs her alone time, not sure if it was the right way to explain it. I think because throughout our marriage he was never there for our son and now our son likes it, and I encourage him to take him and hang with him more, not hang with me with our son, but I am afraid when he gets a girlfriend he will not be here for him, he proved that with the first one. I think he pretty much got it now (the ex) because the other day he came to get him and they were outside playing and ex said what time is it i said quarter of 7 he said what time do you want me to leave, i said 7. and he did leave at 7.


then yesterday he pissed me off because my son had his first t ball game , we all went well me the ex and all of my family, his didnt show up again, and later i had to leave to do some things and my neice was having a game at 5 so my sister was gonna take my son to her game, ex called her later and asked if she minded if he went to the game as he wanted to hang with our son, she didnt no what to say so she said fine, it wasnt even his family playing it was my brothers daughter, so he did show up and ended up taking my osn to the playground away from my family, so again I had a talk with him that when my family has him he is not to interfere with there time with him. that would be like me going to hang out with his family and my son, hes a wackjob. I told him if that continues he will only see him on the 2 days he chose that are court ordered. I cant wait till the summer as my son and I are never home, im not even exagerating we leave like 9 am and are gone all day, he is gonna flip, last summer was different he had the girlfriend so he didnt care we werent home, and i wont stop living because he wants to see son now.



In the summer he will only have our son the 2 days I dont sit in on nice days, we come home to sleep thats it, i have great family and were always doing things with them in the summer. we went to more amusement parks and beaches plus my brother has a beautiful pool, we have cookouts all summer. this is what he wanted so let him feel what its like being alone all summer. im not gonna stop living with my son because ex is bored and lonely. were already planning a trip with my family, and that will just be the beginning.


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