# Is my wife really in love with me.



## Dan_123

I have been married for 8 years. We have two kids and recently I brought up a conversation about a mutual friend my wife and I have. Her bestfriend has a brother my wife was interested in but never took it past that. I knew she liked him but never went further. I asked her about him recently and she did say when they were good friends and liked each other but that was all. She also did mention that if for whatever reason we didnt workout she will considera relationship with him because of the history they had. I don't know how to process this. I dont know if I'm overthinking or being real. I know she wouldn't do anything or has done anything with him while being married to me. Idk if its just the idea of being with him or because she never actually was him the "what if" plays in her mind. Mind you she grew up with both of us and we are all mutual friends. Any advice how I should process this?


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## 3Xnocharm

Why did you feel the need to dredge this up in the first place? Chances are she hadnt even had a thought of him in years...


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## sokillme

Talk to your wife about it, but not in an accusatory way. You wife has a history though, and there is nothing wrong with that.


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## Dan_123

Her bestfriend moved away and from time to time she will go visit with our kids. I always find a reason to not go. I trust her and I definitely trust him. However we recently had a conversation about him and that came up. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or not.


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## Tilted 1

Dan_123 said:


> Her bestfriend moved away and from time to time she will go visit with our kids. I always find a reason to not go. I trust her and I definitely trust him. However we recently had a conversation about him and that came up. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or not.


"It's possible where there's smoke there's fire" 

Now, that's out of the way what prompted you to question this "it's called a gut feeling" once you read other post here you find the trust you once thought you had maybe fleeting from you. It is fear that unimaginable that you would never have to go through.

Why do you make excuses not to go? Go and join her also go with her to visit her friend, just maybe the friends brother will show, and the interaction between your wife and the dude will tell you all you need to know.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

😊 does she do the cooking?

Don't eat anything that smells like almonds 😎😎

Just kidding. Probably overthinking, but, now that it's crossed her mind, there's always a chance something will take root.

I couldn't say, so far with the info at hand.

Hang in there.


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## Tilted 1

Is your wife's expression when you questioned her, revealing something to you? Can you please give more information as it unfolded the exchange between you and your wife?


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## Dan_123

I completely agree. She did tell me that he once asked her why she chose me over him. We recently had a deep conversation of things maybe we didnt communicate with each other but, we wanted to start off right and that's when his name came up. Just like I had things I didn't mention to her she did as well. I know for a fact he wouldn't cross the line but, I'm also not a dummy either. She also did mention that she has thought of the scenario " if " she chose him. She knows that was wrong and disclosed that to me.


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## Tilted 1

Dan_123 said:


> I completely agree. She did tell me that he once asked her why she chose me over him.
> I know for a fact he wouldn't cross the line but,
> I'm also not a dummy either.
> She also did mention that she has thought of the scenario
> " if " she chose him. She knows that was wrong and disclosed that to me.


These are some telling statement's and 

Ragnar Ragnasson said

Just kidding. Probably overthinking, but, now that it's crossed her mind, there's always a chance something will take root.

This is were you are possibly at in the relationship.


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## Tilted 1

I know for a fact he wouldn't cross the line but,....,.


Never say never.


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## Dan_123

Tilted 1 said:


> Dan_123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I completely agree. She did tell me that he once asked her why she chose me over him.
> I know for a fact he wouldn't cross the line but,
> I'm also not a dummy either.
> She also did mention that she has thought of the scenario
> " if " she chose him. She knows that was wrong and disclosed that to me.
> 
> 
> 
> These are some telling statement's and
> 
> Ragnar Ragnasson said
> 
> Just kidding. Probably overthinking, but, now that it's crossed her mind, there's always a chance something will take root.
> 
> I'm just a bit confused on all of this. I kind of want her to get tested and see what she would do?
Click to expand...


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## SunCMars

3Xnocharm said:


> Why did you feel the need to dredge this up in the first place? Chances are she hadnt even had a thought of him in years...


Ah, I finally got an excellent example how Fate can play out. It tickles some trigger, a good or bad one from the past.
It is this subtle cause and an effect that may lead directly to the outcome {maybe} to occur and to be decided.

Think of a bowling ball that is tossed by someone connected to you , or maybe a snowball tossed down a steep slope with you in its path.

The bowling ball gets closer to the pins, it is Fated to hit some, maybe all will fall. The pins will impact you in some way. 
The snowball picks up snow on the way. What started as small can grow very large and take you out.

In these cases it can lead to a warm, and wet daydream by your wife, bringing about an urge to talk to her old male friend. She connects with him, the pins started to wobble, some fall.

In this case, OP might be the primal (root cause) source of his own betrayal. Of course, he has no idea.

What he did, is plant an idea in his wife's mind. 

Why did the words come out of OP? He is the catalyst.

He brought this to his wife's attention. We know this.

I doubt this.

-Or-

He read her thoughts. She has this guy on her mind, maybe subconsciously, likely openly. This is the likely prime-cause of his bringing her past (near-flame) to light. 
Call it transference. From her mind to his, to his lips back to her ears and consciousness. A circular condition.

As mentioned earlier, this also may be the cause of some outside forces. 

Yes, it could even be the (subject man) himself who transferred his thoughts, to OP's wife or to OP himself, or both. 

What we just witnessed here was Fate working its way through thoughts, leading to actual action.

OP....the seed has been planted. 

Do not water it. 
Do not ignore it.

If you see a green shoot pop up catching the attention of your wife, jerk it out by its roots.
Actually, talk to that man from the past....if he does indeed suddenly take form again. Chase him away.

OP, your wife should not have been so honest. This is one of those thoughts that you never utter. 
It is hurtful and can make a man insecure. Or angry. Why would she admit to this?

You have been warned, now, keep your wits about you. If not him, it could be someone else. 
She has already thought about and commented on how it will go 'if' you divorce. 
She has already thought some on this.

She has contemplated life without you.

He is on her list. 
Or, seems to be?
Why is he on her list?
Is he now available?
If so, how would she know?

Quick replies and quick words, that are honest ones, often points to forethought, foresight. 
To plans in the making, at least to plans in the making.
Oh, yes.


KB-


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## SunCMars

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> 😊 does she do the cooking?
> 
> Don't eat anything that smells like almonds 😎😎
> 
> Just kidding. Probably overthinking, but, now that it's crossed her mind, there's always a chance something will take root.
> 
> I couldn't say, so far with the info at hand.
> 
> Hang in there.


Almonds say what?

Smelling almonds, do you remember?

Lesser gods are near, had been close, likely a moment ago, just in the near past.



KB-


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## minimalME

You're focusing on irrelevant information and causing problems in your marriage. Why would you do that?

How do you process it?

Take responsiblity for your thoughts, and find ways to stop ruminating. There are endless resources available.

Set your mind on your present life and what you can control - which is a lot. 

How can you be a better man and husband? How can you create a stronger bond with your wife? You have two children who need their father. Focus on that. 

It's takes anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to replace the thoughts, but it's totally doable.




Dan_123 said:


> Any advice how I should process this?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

SunCMars said:


> Almonds say what?
> 
> Smelling almonds, do you remember?
> 
> Lesser gods are near, had been close, likely a moment ago, just in the near past.
> 
> 
> 
> KB-


"beware the taste or smell of bitter almonds.."

Someone accidentally spilled the cyanide into the stew 😉😉


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## Dan_123

She will go visit her bestfriend time to time and he loves with her. We were trying to take out marriage to the next level on communication and this came to light. He is in a relationship and only comes in contact or in communication with him when she is visiting.


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## Tilted 1

Dan_123 said:


> She will go visit her bestfriend time to time and he loves with her.
> 
> What is this?
> 
> 
> We were trying to take out marriage to the next level on communication and this came to light. He is in a relationship and only comes in contact or in communication with him when she is visiting.



Exactly!! What I mean why is he having communication with your WIFE!!! She is to be visiting her girlfriend.


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## StarFires

I had a friend who lived an hour away and I would go visit her and her family from time to time. I was at her house on one of those visits when she told me in front of her husband "He said that if anything happened to our marriage, he would want to be with you." Obviously, their conversation when he expressed that to her took place some time (hours/days/weeks/months) before my arrival that day. We all just laughed.

Isn't that the same thing your wife told you?

I think people's feelings get hurt over nothing sometimes. Something so innocent should be shared between spouses. It has nothing to do with her feelings for you. If you had reason to believe your wife loves you before she told you that, then telling you didn't affect the love she has for you. Don't let your insecurity trump the honesty between you. Husband and wife should be able to share their innocent and innermost thoughts without regretting it. Start questioning her motives and making her regret sharing with you, and you will be the one placing that wedge between the two of you.



Dan_123 said:


> Her bestfriend moved away and from time to time she will go visit with our kids. I always find a reason to not go. I trust her and I definitely trust him. However we recently had a conversation about him and that came up. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or not.


I really, really, really hesitate to bring this up because I fear you're way too sensitive and insecure to handle it the way it is intended, but at the same time I'm concerned for these statements you made and think you need to understand some things. But please bear in mind, it has nothing to do with your wife's feelings for you, and you're not to go flying off the handle about not being able to trust your wife. Just take this as food for thought and act accordingly.

The first thing is that you find excuses not to accompany your wife on these visits. But you need know and understand that you are her security. Your job as her husband is to: Profess. Provide. Protect. Protect is a very intrinsic word and is loaded with much more meaning than a person might infer on the surface. Where it relates to your wife's visits without you by her side, protect means that your presence would provide security. You being there protects her from herself and anything she might absent-mindedly do. You being there also protects her from anyone thinking they can approach her. So although you trust each of them, ****e happens sometimes despite people otherwise living their lives beyond reproach. But you need to be with her for the sake of prevention.

The second thing is you saying _"I trust her and I definitely trust him"_ to which I will copy my resent reply regarding this the same topic.

You can learn about the professional career *Dr. Willard F. Harley* built in saving marriages. Below are excerpts from a couple of his articles on coping with infidelity. You can click on the links for more information in those articles.

*Coping With Infidelity Part 2*
_I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe._ 

_But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better._

*Coping With Infidelity Part 4*
_One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her.* The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it.* The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening._

Again, this is NOT for you to go off your rocker thinking your wife doesn't love you and is going to have an affair just because she shared with you about the friend's brother. I'm not trying to say she will mess around. I'm letting you know that my personal feeling and that of this professional psychologist and marriage counselor are that couples should not implicitly trust each other. I'm saying, very simply, that couples are supposed to put safeguards in place to prevent infidelity. I'm saying that you are supposed to protect your marriage. That is all.

In other words, stop finding excuses to send your wife to the visits without you. Do your job to protect your marriage and go with your family.


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## BioFury

Dan_123 said:


> Her bestfriend moved away and from time to time she will go visit with our kids. I always find a reason to not go. I trust her and I definitely trust him. However we recently had a conversation about him and that came up. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or not.


Trusting them alone together is a huge mistake. I'd advise you to cut that crud out immediately. You're leaving the door open for temptation, heartbreak, and the end of your life as you know it.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

Dan_123 said:


> She will go visit her bestfriend time to time and he loves with her. We were trying to take out marriage to the next level on communication and this came to light. He is in a relationship and only comes in contact or in communication with him when she is visiting.


So, take your marriage to the next level of communication by accompanying your wife when she goes to visit. You can get a lot of communication in that way.:wink2: Some refer to it as mate guarding. Some think it's just common sense.


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## Graywolf2

Dan_123 said:


> She did tell me that he once asked her why she chose me over him.


What was her answer to him? If it was that you were better marriage material (stable family man type) that could be a negative.

There are certain things that make an affair easier. One is having a previous relationship or knowing the guy well. Another is distance which makes compartmentalization easier.

You probably have nothing to worry about. I’m only saying that the most dangerous situation for a happily married woman to be in is to go to her hometown and see her old boyfriend without her husband. The attention of her boyfriend makes her feel desirable again she’s back where she was young and carefree. Now she feels like a woman and not just an old wife and mother.



Blondilocks said:


> So, take your marriage to the next level of communication by accompanying your wife when she goes to visit. You can get a lot of communication in that way.:wink2: Some refer to it as mate guarding. Some think it's just common sense.


This ^^^^^


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## Tilted 1

"Something so innocent should be shared between spouses. It has nothing to do with her feelings for you. If you had reason to believe your"


Yes l agree it is innocent up to the point they are banging away on each other. Pay no attention to some of the now wiser, ones here, after the innocent we're sharing something between spouses


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## Tilted 1

And the dude lives with your wife's best friend . Just imagine how convenient no hotel room needed. Just saying.


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## Dan_123

No I agree. I had even asked her about that scenario. She has never gone alone, she always takes the kids and she did tell she isn't that dumb to do something with our children present. I dont think she is cheating, I just think she might think of him in a lustful way since she never was intimate with him. That's where it gets dangerous. Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering. I'm a 30 yr old man and I know how it is. I'm 99% sure she hadn't done anything behind my back, however I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> "beware the taste or smell of bitter almonds.."
> 
> Someone accidentally spilled the cyanide into the stew 😉😉


I find this thread jack amusing.... and I say that as someone who has had cyanide poisoning (3 times).


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## personofinterest

minimalme said:


> you're focusing on irrelevant information and causing problems in your marriage. Why would you do that?
> 
> How do you process it?
> 
> Take responsiblity for your thoughts, and find ways to stop ruminating. There are endless resources available.
> 
> Set your mind on your present life and what you can control - which is a lot.
> 
> How can you be a better man and husband? How can you create a stronger bond with your wife? You have two children who need their father. Focus on that.
> 
> It's takes anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to replace the thoughts, but it's totally doable.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dan_123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> any advice how i should process this?
Click to expand...

this


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## lovelygirl

Dan_123 said:


> Her bestfriend moved away and from time to time she will go visit with our kids. I always find a reason to not go. I trust her and I definitely trust him. However we recently had a conversation about him and that came up. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or not.


Wait a second.... she visits him from time to time???

Why so? 

Does he ever come to visit both of you??? 

Knowing the history, I don't think it's smart to let her go alone without you. Not that she'd do anything but she's sort of disrespecting you. (Given that you already know the story). :|


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## lovelygirl

Dan_123 said:


> No I agree. I had even asked her about that scenario. She has never gone alone, she always takes the kids and she did tell she isn't that dumb to do something with our children present.


Then thank God for the kids??? 
if the kids weren't present, she'd do something??? 
that's what this statement implies. 
Maybe she takes the kids because she doesn't trust herself???? She doesn't trust him either, I guess.




> I just think she might think of him in a lustful way since she never was intimate with him. That's where it gets dangerous.


Are you okay with your wife even being lustful for him??? 



> Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering. I'm a 30 yr old man and I know how it is. I'm 99% sure she hadn't done anything behind my back, however, I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.


Sorry to drop this to you, but for sure you'll have awesome intercourse after she's been over at his place, been turned on by his presence and "discharging" the hotness for him on you. So, I'm afraid it's the fantasies about him that's making you have awesome intercourse, and NOT because she's really into you.


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## Dan_123

lovelygirl said:


> Dan_123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> No I agree. I had even asked her about that scenario. She has never gone alone, she always takes the kids and she did tell she isn't that dumb to do something with our children present.
> 
> 
> 
> Then thank God for the kids???
> if the kids weren't present, she'd do something???
> that's what this statement implies.
> Maybe she takes the kids because she doesn't trust herself???? She doesn't trust him either, I guess.
> 
> 
> Dan_123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I just think she might think of him in a lustful way since she never was intimate with him. That's where it gets dangerous.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Are you okay with your wife even being lustful for him???
> 
> 
> Dan_123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering. I'm a 30 yr old man and I know how it is. I'm 99% sure she hadn't done anything behind my back, however, I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Sorry to drop this to you, but obviously you have awesome intercourse after she's been over at his place, been turned on by his presence and "discharging" the hotness for him on you. So, I'm afraid it's the fantasies about him that's making you have awesome intercourse, and NOT because she's into you.
Click to expand...

He is actually a very good friend to both of us. We all grew up together, so that's why I dont mind her going to visit. I get all the scenarios which now, I am more confused.


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## lovelygirl

Dan_123 said:


> I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.


She has already made a mistake by visiting without you.

If she has asked to you come along and you have rejected, then I'd say you don't have enough balls to "confront" him. I'm afraid you lack confidence and are afraid to look him in the eye, subconsciously knowing that he already has your wife's heart. It's like you're already accepting the "loss" by avoiding contact with him.


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## lovelygirl

Dan_123 said:


> He is actually a very good friend to both of us. We all grew up together, so that's why I dont mind her going to visit. I get all the scenarios which now, I am more confused.


Who cares if you were good friends??
Who cares if you grew up together??



At least, your wife doesn't care. She goes to visit him (even without you); 
She's accepted she'd consider getting back with him;
She still got the hots and "what ifs" for him;
The thoughts on him make her reveal the "beast" out of her when with you.

Can't you realize that it's all about him?? Where are you in this picture?

From a woman's perspective, I think you've been "sleeping" the whole time.


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## Dan_123

So I should let her go physically cheat?


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## OnTheFly

Dan_123 said:


> So I should let her go physically cheat?


Dude, listen to yourself, you're being spun like a top.

Go back to post # 14.


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## lovelygirl

Dan_123 said:


> So I should let her go physically cheat?


duh.

NO! You should not allow her to go visit him without YOU. Actually, she has NO BUSINESS in visiting him at all - if you ask me.

Why does she still care to visit him??? Is she his sister?? No. So? What's the point?? 

Because she misses him. That's the truth. She'd rather not see him again or you confront the situation MORE seriously to understand how things actually stand.


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## Mrs.K

Dan_123 said:


> No I agree. I had even asked her about that scenario. She has never gone alone, she always takes the kids and she did tell she isn't that dumb to do something with our children present. I dont think she is cheating, I just think she might think of him in a lustful way since she never was intimate with him. That's where it gets dangerous. Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering. I'm a 30 yr old man and I know how it is. I'm 99% sure she hadn't done anything behind my back, however I'm also aware she is human and can make a mistake.




It really bothers me that it is being implied that the only thing that would stop her were the children being there? It shouldn’t even be a thought. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Dan_123

lovelygirl said:


> Dan_123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> So I should let her go physically cheat?
> 
> 
> 
> duh.
> 
> NO! You should not allow her to go visit him without YOU. Actually, she has NO BUSINESS in visiting him at all - if you ask me.
> 
> Why does she still care to visit him??? Is she his sister?? No. So? What's the point??
> 
> Because she misses him. That's the truth. She'd rather not see him again or you confront the situation MORE seriously to understand how things actually stand.
Click to expand...

I completely understand. However I want her to be happy. Why would she still think of another guy. I dont want to love her whole life dwelling on that. No she goes to visit her bestfriend like twice a year and has always told me to come. Since I can never go she will take someone with her. In the past 5 years she has gone like 6 times if that.


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## SunCMars

Dan_123 said:


> I completely understand. However I want her to be happy. Why would she still think of another guy. I dont want to love her whole life dwelling on that. No she goes to visit her bestfriend like twice a year and has always told me to come. Since I can never go she will take someone with her. In the past 5 years she has gone like 6 times if that.


You are a nice fellow.
Really nice.

Your good heart will be taken advantage of someday. Maybe that day has already arrived. 

You CAN and SHOULD remain nice. You also should always accompany her on her trips.

This will surprise her. When she asks why, tell her.

The hot sex after the visit?
It could be guilt sex. She feels guilty.

She and your male friend may be intimate FWB's,
I have no idea if this is true. 

If you will not accompany her then have a PI tail her...bushy tail.
Her bestie girlfriend could be her accomplice. As in watching the kids while those two rub belly's.

The GF would love it if your wife moved back closer to her. 
And your wife getting some on the side, {if true} keeps her coming back.
Hell, if she gets caught, divorce may bring her back forever to that town.

I am talking out of my butt.
But, farts still carry a long way, especially those that have a wisp of a possibility to them.

Be vigilant and nice. 

Just Sayin'


LMc -


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## Oldtimer

Dan_123 said:


> So I should let her go physically cheat?


Do you want to be a cuckold? If yes, then the answer is yes! If no, go manbeast? Just my thoughts.


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## Tilted 1

Dan_123 said:


> He is actually a very good friend to both of us. We all grew up together, so that's why I dont mind her going to visit. I get all the scenarios which now, I am more confused.





Dan_123 said:


> So I should let her go physically cheat?


You don't have to be confused Dan, but read your own title of your post.

If you have to ask, you already know the answer but dread it.
Don't put your head in the sand. 

How old are your kids will a happy meal distract them for awhile. That's all the time you need to do a dirty deed.


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## Tilted 1

oldshirt

Lessons as an OM #3 The mind and motives of the OM
OK so there is a preditor out there stalking your sweet and pure wife. 
He haunts the local meat-market bar and dance club and he wear sunglasses inside the bar and has gold chains around his neck and his shiny disco shirt is unbuttoned showing his chiseled pecks under his wooly chest hair and he approaches your wife on her one night out to get away from the kids and uses a scripted pick-up line and offers to buy her some exotic drink and ushers her to dance floor to show her his disco moves right????

No. Just no. Don't we all wish it were that easy. 

The reality is a lot more insidious and painful. 

The OM is more likely to be someone in your social circle. Perhaps even someone you called a friend. It may even be a relative. Read these forums enough and I guarantee you you will read about someone's wife screwing their brother or best friend. 

There's even a case here in CWI where the gal screwed her father in law (EEEWWWW!!!) 

And affairs in the work place and on the co-ed softball team or running club or community group like the Lions or various PTA groups through the school or the kid's sports teams are universal. 

So what makes a man hook up with another man's wife? Again it's combination of nature (we're all just slightly more evolved animals than wolves in the woods) relationship circumstances, his desirability as a man and a lover, his character and boundaries and how sexually assertive/receptive the WW is. 

In my case as I said in my intro, I was not unusually handsome or charming or rich or suave? I was not a Playa' or pick up artist. 

What I was was flirtatious, sex-positive and probably gave off some kind of vibe that I was DTF for discreet NSA sex. And not only was I DTF but that I would still treat women with dignity and respect and would work to please them and respect them EVEN IF they were cheating on their Hs. 

Basically what it boiled down to is I did not have the personal boundaries that told me NOT to hook up with married women and I was game and was willing to make it good for them and be discrete about it. 

Instead of promising that I would call the next day and that I would be a good BF or good husband/father and would be with them. I promised the opposite and promised that I would not interfer in their lives and would not try to be their BF and would not try to interject myself into their lives or meet their friends or family etc. I was their side piece because I offered myself up to be their side piece (I didn't use those words of course, but that's basically what it was)

I offered them fun, excitement, attention and orgasms without any strings or commitments on their end. They could come and go as they pleased. 

If their H was at work too much that week and they felt neglected - Come you Youngshirt's house for a couple orgasms and some cuddles. 

Bad day at work and coworkers pissing you off? Come to Youngshirts house and he'll listen to your gripes while he gives you a footrub and will only want a footjob in return. 

Ovulation is kicking in and you're hornier than a billy goat and your H can't get it up? Youngshirt will pin your ankles behind your head and pile-drive you and fill you up to overflow. 

Tired and frustrated and bored with raising 3 screaming kids and diapers and dishes piling up in the sink and miss your ****ty days of hooking up at the college-town meat-market?? Put on your lacey underwear, stockings and garter belt under your sweats and go to Youngshirt's house and be that dirty, nasty porno star that you can't be at home. 

What should be the scariest thing here is that there wasn't anything special or studly about me. In fact I struggled and had a hard time with single women. Single women wanted things from me that I couldn't provide like being stable and mature and financially well off and most importantly monogamous. 

WWs could be their inner ***** with me and I was ok with it. 

But here's the thing you need to keep in mind as a husband...…… there are billions of me in the world. 

Now some of these guys are going to come on here and say they WOULD NEVER get with a married women. Good on them.

But for every one of those guys, there are probably thousands and thousands who would. 

You see for a guy that just wants to get some tail, a married woman is a lot easier and much less hoops and hurdles than a single woman. 

Yes, I said it, married women are EASIER. They are easier and they ask much less of a man. All they ask for is attention, acceptance of their sexuality, your discretion and privacy and that you can actually get it up and get them off and then keep your mouth shut about it. 

Now they will tell their girlfriends of course but they demand your discretion.

(side note: They will tell their GFs and then it's just a matter of time before their GF is scratching at your door. BTDT, true story)

That guy may be your married neighbor with all the kids (he probably hasn't gotten any since the last kid was conceived) It may be her boss (rank has it's priveledges and women love the boss) It may be her trainer at the gym (he's making her sexy and beautiful again so she attaches him to her new horny hormones) and unfortunately it may even be your best friend or one of your close relatives (people form attachments and feelings with people they are around)

And as I mentioned in the other post, she may be getting hooked up with friends of her friends or even some of her close relatives that don't like you. 

Unless she is some kind of groupie or actually working to hook up with a traveling rock star or pro athlete or something, it's rarely going to be one fo those guys. 

Its most likely going to be an average joe that is already in her social or work circle that is nothing special and likely is not as successful or stable or even as good looking as you. 

What he offers her that you can't is it is ok with him if she is a dirty, nasty, horny $lu++ and he won't judge or condem her for it. 

She is dirty and nasty and ****ty with him because he allows her to be and he doesn't care how well she manages the house or takes care of the kids. Doesn't care that keeps her job or brings home a good check. All he cares is that she swallows and has a good enough time that she comes back for more.

Read oldshirt's about being the other man... Dan


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## sunsetmist

I guess I'm taking the path not traveled. She knew friend and brother and you. She picked you. She could have chosen differently. You have good 8 year marriage and kids. Since I do not know the character and integrity of any of you, I lean toward her (and everyone else's) faithfulness.

Do not obsess when she was being honest--working on y'all's communication. If I were cheating, I would not have been so open with you. I'd have been more secretive and have avoided topic.

Good sex can be because she missed YOU. Keep up the good sex. And go next time just to set your wandering mind at ease and to spend time with her--away from the kids.


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## StarFires

Dan_123 said:


> Everytime she gone out to visit she will come back and we will have awesome intercourse and now that I think back, my mind starts wondering.


These people have you suspecting your wife of cheating. That's the propensity of this board. You already understand that you need to go with your wife when she visits her friend. That's all you need to know. So get off this board and stay away from this thread.

This thread has gotten way out of hand. Someone is even misconstruing and twisting the scenario into accusing your wife of going to visit that guy, when you know she's going to visit her friend. It happens to be that guy lives with his sister. These people will have you thinking all kinds of things.

All you need to know is what I told you, which is that you need to understand your job is to protect your wife and protect your marriage. So go on the trip with her instead of making excuses to stay home.

All the rest of this mess people are telling you is a bunch of bullcrap and has your head spinning out of control. When she returned from the trip in the past and the two of you had awesome sex, couldn't that be simply because she missed you and you missed her? But they have you thinking it had to be because she felt guilty for cheating on you, but that is no way to think.

These people are only exploiting your insecurities. If you listen to them, you will only end up destroying your marriage.

Now go and enjoy your trip with your wife and kids. You have no reason whatsoever to suspect her of doing anything or planning to do anything. This isn't about anything except you understanding that your job job is to protect, your presence represents security, so you belong by her side. It's a measure for you to place protections in your marriage. And that is all. It's not for you to become suspicious of her the way these people are making you do.


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## AttaBoy

Dan_123 said:


> So I should let her go physically cheat?


Dan, this guy is what my wife and I call "the one that got away" . She does not want to be with him IRL, yet. She is romanticizing the "what ifs" and it could lead to big trouble. A few drinks after the kids are asleep and he may ask her to go for a walk because it is so nice outside. On the walk he says he always wondered what it would be like to kiss her. Without being rebuffed he might try to kiss her. If rebuffed he may back off and say he'd like to hold her hands as friends and then press again if allowed. Or he might escalate quicker by telling her he once saw down her shirt and has been thinking about her breasts ever since. You get where I am going with this. 

I think she shows signs of not trusting herself. She also shows signs of there being a wee bit more than she has disclosed. 
My wife has one that got away, too. She was never serious with him, so he never farted in front of her, or fought with her, or forgot her birthday. He's still without flaws in her mind. The difference is he has a common name and she has no idea where he is all these years later, but she looked for him and I caught her. 

She knows all your flaws. He has not popped her fantasy man bubble yet, maybe. Due diligence Dan. Don't leave your marriage and family to chance.


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## EleGirl

sunsetmist said:


> I guess I'm taking the path not traveled. She knew friend and brother and you. She picked you. She could have chosen differently. You have good 8 year marriage and kids. Since I do not know the character and integrity of any of you, I lean toward her (and everyone else's) faithfulness.
> 
> Do not obsess when she was being honest--working on y'all's communication. If I were cheating, I would not have been so open with you. I'd have been more secretive and have avoided topic.
> 
> Good sex can be because she missed YOU. Keep up the good sex. And go next time just to set your wandering mind at ease and to spend time with her--away from the kids.


I'm quoting this post because I agree 100% and it needs to be emphasized.

You said that you and she were working on being more open in your communications. So she was open and honest. And what do you do with that? You are taking what she shared and turning it into something very negative. What she will learn from this is to never, ever share anything with you. If you want your wife to be open and honest with you, you have to make it safe for her to be open and honest.

There are some things you need to take into consideration. 1) I love all the great people who post here on TAM. But most of the people who post here have been cheated on and seem to assume that everyone is cheating. It's just the go-to position around here. 2) People who cheat lie, obfuscate, rug sweep, etc. If your wife were cheating or having thoughts about cheating, it's highly unlikely that she would say anything about it. 

You say that you trying to improve your marriage. Here is somethings that would help you do that.

*The Policy of Radical Honesty*

Then there are the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The idea is to read the book "Love Busters" first (both of you). Then the two of your do the work that the book says to do and stop any love busting you two are doing. Then you read the second book together and do the work it says to do, together. The books go in depth about how to implement and use radical honesty to protect your marriage or infidelity.

For example the idea someone suggested that you go with your wife when she visits (spouse guarding) is really good idea in this situation.

The best thing about the books is that if you both do what the books suggest, you will not only protect your marriage from infidelity but will also restructure your relationship into a very passionate one.


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## lovelygirl

Dan_123 said:


> Why would she still think of another guy.


Because she is ACTUALLLY thinking of another guy??
Because she has "what ifs" about another guy?
________________________________________

Dan, if she didn't think of another guy, why are you actually here?
Why did you post this thread? 
Are you playing with us or you're just fooling yourself?



> I dont want to love her whole life dwelling on that. No she goes to visit her bestfriend like twice a year and has always told me to come. Since I can never go she will take someone with her. In the past 5 years she has gone like 6 times if that.


Still I don't get this and you haven't answered. Why is she so preoccupied about him? 

I don't know but something doesn't make sense and you're not answering the questions.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Dan_123 said:


> I know she wouldn't do anything or has done anything with him while being married to me. Idk if its just the idea of being with him or because she never actually was him the "what if" plays in her mind. Mind you she grew up with both of us and we are all mutual friends. Any advice how I should process this?


You are overthinking things and being a pain in the backside.
Honestly, just what is your real game. What-if games about random previous people out of the blue ALWAYS connect to something else. - so despite how clever and passive aggressive you think you are being, it's simply not going to work with another human being who is thinking entirely unrelated things, and just going to come across as random and annoying.


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## syhoybenden

Dan_123 said:


> Her bestfriend moved away and from time to time she will go visit with our kids. I always find a reason to not go. I trust her and I definitely trust him. However we recently had a conversation about him and that came up. I don't know if I'm over thinking it or not.


I think you have now found a reason Not to not go.


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## Dan_123

I get everyone's point and I am sure first thing to cross everyone mind is she is cheating. I know for a fact she's hasnt at least not physically. I have not been the best husband and I think we got to point in our marriage where we got comfortable and got lost along the way. We lost the Sense of communication, love, etc. We want to rekindle and get that spark again. Deep thoughts and moments were shared and came to this conclusion. Any professional out there I can reach out to?


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## CraigBesuden

Half of married women have a backup guy in mind. I hope that doesn’t mean they don’t love their husbands!

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/backup-husband_n_5923700/amp

Also, many wives have TOTGA (the one that got away).

I think it’s good that she’d share her thoughts with you!

It wouldn’t hurt to accompany her on her trips, though.


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## SunCMars

CraigBesuden said:


> Half of married women have a backup guy in mind. I hope that doesn’t mean they don’t love their husbands!
> 
> https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/backup-husband_n_5923700/amp
> 
> Also, many wives have TOTGA (the one that got away).
> 
> I think it’s good that she’d share her thoughts with you!
> 
> It wouldn’t hurt to accompany her on her trips, though.


Ah...
What 'they' have in mind might not be what the backup guy has..in his mind.

It is just wishful dreams.

I am sure some men have this secret admirer (Plan B) in mind.

Most future plans have a way of going sour, soft, south, not necessarily in that order.



KB-


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## CraigBesuden

Half of all women have a fall-back partner on call should their current relationship turn sour, it emerged today.

A substantial percentage have kept another man in mind in case they end up single.

And married women are more likely have a Plan B in the background than those who are just in a relationship.

It also emerged the back-up is likely to be an old friend who has always had feelings for the woman in question.

But other candidates are an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, a colleague - or someone who they have met at the gym. 

The survey of 1,000 women also found Plan B is also likely to be someone whom she has known for around seven years, who will be 'ready and waiting' because of 'unfinished business'.

* * * 

Around one in four women who have a back-up plan have feelings as strong for him as they do for their other half.

Incredibly, 12 per cent went as far as to admit their feelings were 'stronger' for Plan B, and close to seven in ten admitted they are currently in contact with him.

But despite the secrecy involved in having a close friend or ex to turn to, around half of the women who took part in the poll said their other half was aware of the 'third party'.

Of those, one in five said they were able to joke about it, but one in three said their man was 'uncomfortable' discussing him.

One in four admitted their current partner had met their Plan B, while one in five admitted he was a friend of the man in her life.

The good news for the nation's men is that one in three women said they 'doubted' anything would ever happen with the man in the background.

Around half had a 'never say never' approach, while trouble may lie ahead for one in six who said they were 'seriously considering' rekindling their romance with the man in the shadows.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.da...ied-case-current-relationship-turns-sour.html


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## She'sStillGotIt

Dan_123 said:


> I get everyone's point and I am sure first thing to cross everyone mind is she is cheating. I know for a fact she's hasnt at least not physically.


 Dan, you *don't* know "for a fact" _what_ your wife may have done while she was away.

You *believe* she didn't do anything, you *hope* she didn't do anything, you honestly *think* she didn't do anything, but at the end of the day, you do NOT know with *100% certainty* what she did with this guy. Unless you've been surgically attached to her hip and literally spend every second of every day with her and see every breath she takes, you *don't* know anything for a 'fact.' That's just the sad truth.

Never, EVER make a foolish statement like that. That's what just about every betrayed spouse said before they found out how very *wrong* they _were_.


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## manwithnoname

When did the friend move away, and when was the first time your wife visited?


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