# Ex's new H, step-parent issue



## Lon

My ex and I have been separated since may 2011, and have shared custody of our 7 year old son, who for a couple years has been on a one-week with me one week with her rotation. She remarried last year to a man from a different country. For the most part he is reasonable and understanding of the co-parenting arrangement but I suspect family of origin issues might be at play, and also he has been quite proactive in being involved with my sons upbringing, which is 100x better than the opposite, though I feel he has on a couple occasions overstepped bounds somewhat (more because my ex hasn't been authoritative enough in regards to the rules of their household). Also of note, my ex is pregnant and expecting with his baby at the end of the month, so his parental/hormonal instincts might be kicking in.

Yesterday was transition day and last night being Halloween, I took him out trick or treating and then to some friends with kids whom he is friends with for a little party. I dropped him off at his mom's home after, as she requested since it was quite late (shortly before 10pm which is quite a bit later his normal bedtime). He is now with her for the rest of the week.

Tonight I received a lengthy text from my ex's new H, in which he stated that my son was acting very disobedient, and saying all kind of things that weren't true about the rules at my house (such as that he's allowed to play video games all day, had no bedtime etc). Obviously these are not true but I'm trying to figure out what the point of the text was. Not sure if he is accusing me of setting poor boundaries, or if he is trying to extend his household rules onto mine.

I'm a little p1ssed off ATM, just had a very tough week with my son constantly testing me and trying to push boundaries. I figure it is normal stuff for many seven year olds, but it still takes an emotional toll. My son has also been struggling at school with focus, socializing and acknowledging the rules, since kindergarten we've been trying to get him an official diagnosis from autism services so that we can get extra resources for the classroom and an occupational therapist to try figuring out some better coping skills. And now I'm receiving flack from him because they too are having it tough managing?!

This isn't the first text exchange I've had with him and I'm not sure how I want to respond to him, if at all. On one hand I agree that some consistency is beneficial for my son, on the other I want to tell him to F off, I don't interfere with the rules of their household and I am not going to allow them to dictate mine. Our rules will not be the same, nor the environment, but they are also not drastically different, except for the way the step dad figures he can control how my son behaves. I also should not have to defend myself from the ravings of a manipulative seven year old.

His text doesn't even explicitly request or demand anything of me, seems like it was more for documentation, so of course a part of me is considering the legal aspects of this situation.

Any suggestions on how someone else would proceed? Should I even reply? Anything I should be wary of?


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## grays

I don't have any experience with step-parent situations yet, but I am shocked that he's contacting you directly. I would think that if he's having an issue, he'd talk to his wife and have her contact you about it. I wouldn't feel comfortable with being contacted directly by the new spouse. Bad enough that I'm gonna have to deal with my ex for the next 15 years, but I don't think I want his significant others to feel like they also have a claim on my time, energy, and resources. Eeek!


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## Lon

Yes, him contacting me directly was the kind of overstepping of bounds I made reference to. In one instance, when he was working long distance he texted me out of the blue to ask to take my son for a day during my week of custody. I didn't reply to him, instead I replied to my ex and told her that any communication has to be between her and I since we are the two legal custodians. He replied back to me furious, accusing me of disrespecting his W and I shut him down hard. That was this past April.

So I too am a little shocked he texted me directly this time. What is also strange is that he also addressed this text not only to me but to her too 😯. It is very possible he has some control issues, or else just feels that his W is just not up to the task? (She is presenting quite large, due in a few weeks and it looks like it's gonna be a big baby)


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## 2xloser

Sounds like a grown-up sit down meeting is in order. Get it straight now, or suffer the longer-term manipulations. 

Personally I'd do it mano a mano to be sure your message comes through, but in a public place to ensure I didn't punch his lights out.

Have only one common thread throughout any and all discussion: best interests of the child. He needs to hear it ain't about him and his issues, it's ALL about the kid and if he can't or won't respect that, you will ensure he does.


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## Dedicated2Her

I actually would ignore it. I wouldn't respond. If I was ever asked about it, I would respond that I'm not speaking to him regarding my parenting when I have my child. End of story.


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## 06Daddio08

Dedicated2Her said:


> I actually would ignore it. I wouldn't respond. If I was ever asked about it, I would respond that I'm not speaking to him regarding my parenting when I have my child. End of story.


I deleted my response. This one is much much better.


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## Lon

Yeah, I'm leaning towards ignoring it, I don't want to give either my ex or her spouse power over me by sending me passive aggressive messages like this. It is however quite disrespectful towards me and how I choose to manage my household. It is also idiotic of him to take direction on how to treat me from a 7 year old. My GF and another close friend have suggested i reply face to face, I haven't replied yet, but if I do it will be written correspondence since I'm more clear and concise that way plus I'll have a record of what was written.

I'm still thinking about it.


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## 2ntnuf

Don't know if there is anything in here that will help. I just thought I'd give it a shot. It can't hurt.

Resources | Parental Alienation Help


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## 3Xnocharm

I would ignore the text. Then tell your ex to put a damn leash on her husband. This was WAY WAY out of line. Maybe you should block his cell number, too.


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## Twistedheart

Just say to yourself "I am not going to entertain that" and move on.

I use that phrase in all aspects of my life. It really comes in handy at work but would definitely work for you in this situation. Somehow it has a soothing effect for me. Give it a try. Lol


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## SamuraiJack

I personally would contact him and ask him what his agenda is. Maybe he IS acting in the best interests of the child and wants to coordinate with you so his environment is consistent.

I think you may be taking more personally than it needs to be.
Then again, you are the person experiencing it.


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## EnjoliWoman

I would reply to BOTH of them, adding your wife's phone # into the text. This very well could be the beginning of documenting "issues" at your house so I do think addressing his text is important. Perhaps something along theses lines:

"While I appreciate your concern, since Ex and I are his parents, I prefer all communication about D7 to come from her.

The things you say he is telling you aren't at all true - ex and I work to co-parent and maintain similar rules at both of our homes. We both feel there may be some developmental issues here, and are trying to get the appropriate resources to assist.

He does seem to have trouble with rules so we have made an effort to set and maintain boundaries for him. Perhaps he feels he can manipulate you in to relaxing the rules there by making these statements.

Regardless, going forward, I will only address parenting issues with D7 with ex. These are issues for his *parents* to address. Ex, if you would like to discuss this further, please feel free to contact me.

Regards,
Lon"

This way you have acknowledged, set the boundaries and expectations for future communication, you have been polite but firm, shown your concern, demonstrated that you and ex co-parent effectively and also refuted these claims. 

I suspect now that there is a baby on the way, they are thinking how nice it would be for the half siblings to live in the same house. I bet they are nudging toward more time with them.

She might not even know about it - he may be feeling quite parental suddenly with the baby on the way and picturing a happy little family of four.


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## movealong

You may be seeing the behavior problems from your child due to the impending arrival of a sibling not from his "real" dad. The new H may be seeing it as well. I agree with sending a message back and including XW stating communication about your child needs to happen between you and your XW. 

Don't treat it as a pi$$ing contest between you and new man, look at it as a way to ensure your child is being taken care of. You see it as passive aggressive, he may see it as a way to reach out. Just be clear that further communication will only be accepted from XW.


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## Lon

Before this message, my ex and I had discussed some ideas to take to the teacher regarding our son's classroom difficulties. This morning she emailed the teacher and CC's me, so I took the opportunity to reply, thanking her for compiling our discussion and writing the teacher. Then in the email while I had her attention I replied regarding the text message I got from her H. Basically I said I didn't know the intent of the message, that in fact I do enforce boundaries and rules at my household, that I have trust in how she manages things at their household and that they must trust how I manage mine. I pointed out that the rules of each household will be different for a number of reasons (routines, parenting styles, environment etc) and that I agreed that where possible if there are consistencies it was valuable, and I said that neither of us should feel a need to defend or take flack since we are all doing the best we can, and that in the future I would not respond to such messages.

She replied that her H was just communicating, and that she wasn't present when he wrote the message. I'm not sure if he was venting frustration or trying to give some sort of pep talk, but atleast she knows now that I will not "entertain that"  (thanks Twistedheart for that).

So I think this matter is settled, atleast until the next one... thanks for the replies I appreciate them and they helped me clarify my thoughts!


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## Lon

I guess it's not over... stepdad decided to clarify his points, and in so doing demonstrated that he completely missed the point of everything I had to say. It seems like my communication with my ex works fine, but that he seems to want to supercede the both of us in laying down the law for my child. fcking ridiculous. He wants to open a direct line of communication between himself and I, but is not even willing to make an attempt to listen to what I have had to say, just trying to up his status as "dad" to be on par with me (or more likely above me somehow, as some sort of unbiased third party, lol).

I feel a need to remind him of his place in my own family - he is not in it and I do not want nor feel compelled to have him in it. He is in my child's family, but that doesn't extend to me, particularly if he feels the need to "remind me what to do as parent" (his words).

Co-parenting sucks ass.


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## 3Xnocharm

Lon said:


> I guess it's not over... stepdad decided to clarify his points, and in so doing demonstrated that he completely missed the point of everything I had to say. It seems like my communication with my ex works fine, but that he seems to want to supercede the both of us in laying down the law for my child. fcking ridiculous. He wants to open a direct line of communication between himself and I, but is not even willing to make an attempt to listen to what I have had to say, just trying to up his status as "dad" to be on par with me (or more likely above me somehow, as some sort of unbiased third party, lol).
> 
> *I feel a need to remind him of his place in my own family - he is not in it and I do not want nor feel compelled to have him in it. He is in my child's family, but that doesn't extend to me, particularly if he feels the need to "remind me what to do as parent"* (his words).
> 
> Co-parenting sucks ass.


Then by all means, do so. He is out of line, and really your ex needs to step in. As a former step parent myself, I understand the need to be informed as to what is going on with the children. BUT. Him trying to step in in this manner is wrong.


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## EnjoliWoman

I'd be tempted to write back and tell him that he isn't a parent so has no place "remind you what to do" and leave that to you and ex. Maybe add you'll be happy to advise him when their baby arrives since you have more experience.

Ug. I'd say block him but you can't in case there is an emergency or need to communicate directly.


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## Wolf1974

I feel for you. I haven't had to deal with this yet but I'm sure one day. 

Try this

I would tell him that any concerns he has should go through his wife to you and that you won't have communication with a guy who doesn't seem to know his role in this scenario

Then text your x that you will not listen to his opinions from her. 

Lol that should set that explosion off at her house. 

He sounds like a control freak. Sorry you're going through this.


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## SamuraiJack

Lon said:


> Co-parenting sucks ass.


...not to mention moose balls.


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## 06Daddio08

Christ on a cracker.


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## EnjoliWoman

06Daddio08 said:


> Christ on a cracker.


At communion Christ IS a cracker.

:rofl: ray:


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## Blossom Leigh

SamuraiJack said:


> ...not to mention moose balls.


And is exactly why avoiding co-parenting was high on my priority list of reasons to reconcile. If we could get the skills down pat on how to be good co-parents, then by Holy God above, we can figure out how to be even better married.


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## Lon

Well, I think my current approach is to continue only initiating contact with, and replying to my ex regarding concerns or issues, and let this one slide for a couple months until after they settle in with their new child. I can see it is a much higher priority for HIM right now to feel like he is asserting himself and so I will ensure to not engage with him unless his approach with me becomes a little more reasonable. I do not feel he is really deserving of any further explanation from me. It feels a little passive of me to do it this way, but on the other hand he is really of no significance to me anyway.

I've also had another email exchange with my ex regarding routines and bedtimes, she has consulted with a sleep therapist regarding her new upcoming child (good idea for her considering how damaging the whole night time routine was when our son was an infant), apparently this sleep therapist advocates 12 hours of sleep a night for my 7.5 year old, and so my ex is trying to get me to put my child to bed at 7:30 and wake up at 7:30. As is, he gets to bed at my place at 8:30 and is up at 7:00. I told her I will aim for an earlier bedtime, but that 7:30 would not work (and it doesn't because we don't usually even get home until 6pm, then cook, eat, do whatever homework he has, and spend a little time together - which brings us to 8pm at the earliest. I have researched some expert recommendations for sleep times and for a 7-12 year old they ALL recommend 10-11 hours (which is what has been working at my place all along).

I think if they need to have consistent bedtime across both homes, it will be on them to match the one I set at my place because it is the only one that will work. I will be setting it for 8pm to 7am.


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## Lon

Blossom Leigh said:


> And is exactly why avoiding co-parenting was high on my priority list of reasons to reconcile. If we could get the skills down pat on how to be good co-parents, then by Holy God above, we can figure out how to be even better married.


Believe me, R was on the table if she had wanted it.


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## Blossom Leigh

Lon said:


> Believe me, R was on the table if she had wanted it.




I feel for you that she didn't.


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## Blossom Leigh

And for what its worth, sounds like they can't control their home the way their ego says they should be able to, so they are blameshifting to you.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: Ex's new H, step-parent issue*



Blossom Leigh said:


> And for what its worth, sounds like they can't control their home the way their ego says they should be able to, so they are blameshifting to you.


Overall, I'm better off not being married to her, my son is better off this way too especially if she hasn't fixed her issues. I have considered that there is a compulsion to blame shift, and if that is so I think I know exactly where the source of the need to be in control is coming from.


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## Blossom Leigh

Yep.

I get the feeling your boundary work is gearing up for refinement.


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## Ceegee

I let my emotions get the best of me and quit reading after the second post. 

He can F off. 

He bucked protocol. He doesn't need or deserve a response from you. 

No, this isn't a pissing contest just simple fact. You are his father not him. 

He is allowed to keep you informed but not judge. 

He is allowed to make observations but not be critical.


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## Hardtohandle

I would just wait the few years and then make comments about how their child is affecting your child.. And then criticise his habits with his own kid.. 

See how he likes it..

Some people don't get it, until they get..


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## Pluto2

Lon said:


> Well, I think my current approach is to continue only initiating contact with, and replying to my ex regarding concerns or issues, and let this one slide for a couple months until after they settle in with their new child. I can see it is a much higher priority for HIM right now to feel like he is asserting himself and so I will ensure to not engage with him unless his approach with me becomes a little more reasonable. I do not feel he is really deserving of any further explanation from me. It feels a little passive of me to do it this way, but on the other hand he is really of no significance to me anyway.
> 
> I've also had another email exchange with my ex regarding routines and bedtimes, she has consulted with a sleep therapist regarding her new upcoming child (good idea for her considering how damaging the whole night time routine was when our son was an infant), apparently this sleep therapist advocates 12 hours of sleep a night for my 7.5 year old, and so my ex is trying to get me to put my child to bed at 7:30 and wake up at 7:30. As is, he gets to bed at my place at 8:30 and is up at 7:00. I told her I will aim for an earlier bedtime, but that 7:30 would not work (and it doesn't because we don't usually even get home until 6pm, then cook, eat, do whatever homework he has, and spend a little time together - which brings us to 8pm at the earliest. I have researched some expert recommendations for sleep times and for a 7-12 year old they ALL recommend 10-11 hours (which is what has been working at my place all along).
> 
> I think if they need to have consistent bedtime across both homes, it will be on them to match the one I set at my place because it is the only one that will work. I will be setting it for 8pm to 7am.


I remember when my youngest was in kindergarten and the teacher called to tell me my child wasn't getting sufficient sleep. She knew this because of her alleged misbehavior in class. Like your child's expert, the teacher said children this age needed twelve hours of sleep. Since we didn't get home until after 6pm, and the bus came at 7:15 am, her schedule wasn't remotely feasible. Come to find out neither was her assessment of my child. She wasn't tired in class, she was bored out of her gourd. Fixed that.


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## Dedicated2Her

Lon,

Personally, I feel as though you are giving your ex too much influence on your parenting when your son is with you. You are now independent of her. You make decisions on bed times, etc., that are in, what you believe, to be the best interest of your child. This is done without her input or the input of the new husband. 

When your ex decided that she was unwilling to make your marriage work, she, in effect, relinquished her ability to parent her son when he is with you. You are now two separate households. You have two separate value systems. It is up to you to uphold your value system, so your son can grow up to see what is right and decide for himself how he wants to live.

Limit your contact with your ex to very simple things about your son. I'm not interested in talking to my ex about what is good for my children on a daily basis. Why? Because we have different value systems. I value relationships. I value people. Do not engage on something even as simple as bedtimes. WHY? Because you are a good dad, and you make sure he gets proper sleep. For her to even engage you on that is absurd. Why is she talking to you about her sleep therapist for her new child? Where is the boundry? I will tell you to absolutely ignore new husband and implement a boundry of not talking about parenting with him. (at least for now until you can get a consistent gauge of this guy's intentions and how he lives which will take years)


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## Lon

D2H,you are absolutely correct, that I'm giving too much influence - however it is borne from my son's difficulties and escalating behavior problems at school. And just like it is on me to enforce my boundaries at my home, I feel it is on the school to enforce the boundaries at school - however they are not succeeding. Me, along with my ex have had to meet (together) with teacher, school psychologist, resource teacher and principal - and even his doctor, trying to get to the root of his issues and coming up with a strategy (meaning getting the resources we need) for him.

Absolutely my value system is different, and what I've learned from this little ordeal that triggered this thread, is that they (my ex and her new H) just don't understand that. Their perfect little world has this one glaring crack showing, and my son not being their perfect little angel is really causing them stress. Now they have their own new one on the way I am quite concerned how it will affect my son, especially if their little new one happens to turn out to be one of those relatively easy to handle good babies. But that is overthinking at this point.

My biggest personal problem, as Blossom alluded to, is my boundary issues - I am terrible at enforcing boundaries especially when my son so persistently is setting up power struggles - I honestly feel defeated most days when I have him, and this is the cause of my faultering confidence as far as being a "good" parent. I know I have good values but my power of influence just doesn't really exist, normally I maintain my boundaries by simply not acknowledging those who don't respect me, but I don't have any respect from my son, and likely not much from my ex or her H and I can't stop thinking of just forfeiting custody so that atleast he has sort of guidance rather than a dad made ineffectual and shut down. I have only one implement in my toolbox which I cannot use on my dependent child. I try to learn new tools, have been for the past 7 years, but I just have my own mental limitations that keeps me from being able to wield anything. My girlfriend, and a healing community that I have become a part of, have really been supportive of me gaining tools and strength but I just don't feel like I have the strength of will these days, my son sucks it all out of me. This weekend we barely even got out of the house, not for me not trying to - just this depression seems to be rubbing off on my son which leads to massive guilt - which is only reflected back every time my ex or her H opens their mouths.

I've been shutting them off, and being mindful and working at trying to accept and trust myself, but its constantly getting harder and harder, not easier, when I adjust it seems to have no effect. I just am not myself when my son is around me, his will is just too strong and I cannot provide good guidance to someone like him, as much as I would like him to see and know my strengths.


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## Dedicated2Her

> I've been shutting them off, and being mindful and working at trying to accept and trust myself, but its constantly getting harder and harder, not easier, when I adjust it seems to have no effect. I just am not myself when my son is around me, his will is just too strong and I cannot provide good guidance to someone like him, as much as I would like him to see and know my strengths.


The key to this is to understand you definitely will not see immediate effects when you adjust. It takes consistent action over time. The reason you make adjustments is to make yourself a better father in YOUR eyes.....no one else's. As you do those things, the results will come 10 steps down the road. Whether those 10 steps are 6 months or 2 years, we don't know.


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