# Heartbroken, NEED ADVICE!!



## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

I’m seeking serious , honest advice. I hoping and praying I can find it on this forum. Let me give you a some back ground of my current situation. I’m 32 he’s 35, been together for 6 yrs, he has 2 kids, I have 1, zero together. We have had our shares of ups & downs, but always got through them. He was laid off for about 3 years, couldn’t find a job, I was the soul provided. He finally got a job about a year ago, which made us extremely happy. 

We had issue with our sex life, me wanting it, him saying it just gets old. He’s still attracted to me, but just doesn’t need it as much as I do. Me 2-3 times a week, him once a month! He is a active porn watcher, which I knew this from the beginning, never bothered me until our sex life went to crap. For almost a year now I’ve been *****y, nagging, sad, etc . A lot has to do with our sex life, it makes me mad, sad, unwanted etc. 

About 6 months ago, I caught him txting some girl, I got roses for that one. Few months later, busted him for talking to 2 or 3 other girls. His reasoning for this “ he likes attention from other women, makes him feel good, it was just talking blah blah”. Like I’m and idiot. So I heard the I’m sorry’s all over again, he loves me, I’m beautiful made a bad mistake. So my moodiness started getting worse, everytime he was txting I got a horrible feeling inside, and I would get mad. 

I can honestly say he was trying to be a better man, sweeter towards me, making more of a effort. But I just had this bitterness inside of me that it would just make me mad. Well about 4 weeks ago it came to a end. He told me he wanted to move out and break up. I was devastated, I saw my whole life crashing before me. I did the typical girl, crying, begging, lost my pride and dignity, it was horrible. I did agree I needed to change, cause I was depressed, mad, and needed to fix myself, for me and for our family. So for 3 days he stayed with a good male friend of his. I held myself up in my house with what I thought was a wonderful friend of mine. I talked/cried etc. I also told her about my boss. We are the same age, he is a very dear friend of mine. He gives great advice and is a good shoulder to cry on. He is also married, I have ZERO attraction to him, he is just a friend. Yes he has made joking comments “when are we going to hook up” stupid stuff like that, innocent flirting that I knew would go nowhere cause we honestly and truly are just friends. He is wonderful at giving man advice to a women. So we would talk about what is going on between me and my other half. 

My husband flipped out about 3 yrs ago when I got into the car with his best friend of 20 yrs, just to run to the grocery store. I knew I could have no men friendships in my life. 
So my dear girlfriend that I told this all too, and some other things, decided to take it upon herself to tell my husband everything. She was in constant communication with him.

So he came home, screamed/yelled that I’ve been having an emotional relationship with my boss for 2 yrs, and hat is worse than cheating. I know there was no emotion what so ever for my boss, besides a good friend, that was giving me really good men advice. So my husband says me busting him txting girls is peanuts compared to what I’ve done. Yes I shouldn’t hide things from my husband, but I also think Tim (boss) is a friend, and a good one, I couldn’t tell my husband cause again he would flip and would think there was something else going on. We didn’t txt each other, email at work, just talk on breaks, nothing more than that. 

So my husband stayed home for a week after this, telling me every day he doesn’t trust me, I’m a lying, who knows what else I’ve done etc. After this week, he said he was staying with his friend on Sat. night. When he came home , he told me he met someone and they kissed. My heart was in a million pieces, I didn’t know what to do. For a week he would stay one day at home and one day at our house. He said he liked her, trusts her, has fun with her etc. That I’ve hurt him so bad by my male friendship. The first couple of days I would txt pathtic things, with no response. After 3-4 days of me not contacting him, he started talking to me. Saying stupid things like “ so how’s your new man” which there is none cause I’m in love with my husband and want our family to work. One night he stayed with her (which he lied to me about,, I’m a pretty good dectitive) anyways I didn’t txt or call. 
So the next morning he txt me asking me if I had fun with all the men at the house??! One why do you care if your off with some chic and you don ‘t care about me. 
I also made the stupid mistake of going through his phone. I read things between him and her, like moving in together, sex, having a baby etc. So again I was torn up inside, couldn’t say anything to him about it, cause I was going through his phone which I shouldn’t have.
So for the past week he has been at home hasn’t left. First couple of days he asked me for a hug, told me I looked good/smelled good. Things to make me feel there is a chance. While I still know deep in my head , he’s still talking to this women. Friday he took me out to eat, Sat. he took me shopping, had sex, went out dancing etc, the most fun we have had together for 2 yrs. It felt good, until I made the mistake again by going through his phone last night. Now it has moved on to the “L” word, he said I think I’m falling in love with you. 
R U KIDDING ME?!?
So now that I’ve been seeing a therapist and am medicated I didn’t cry for once. I have no clue what to do. My brain says to tell him to pack his stuff, my heart says , keep showing him you are changing, you can be trusted, and how much I’m in love with him and want our family to work. How can you tell some girl you think you love them, when they haven’t even spent that much time together, and he’s off wining and dining me. My mind is about to explode. What should I do? Should I keep trying to save are family? Should I just keep going with the flow? Have fun with my girlfriends, and by some chance if a man approaches me, should I talk to him, cause in my mans words “ we aren’t together” you can do what you want. Even though he grills me frequently to see if I am seeing or talking to another man which I’m not. Why on earth does he care?!?! I really hope someone can give me some clear good advice.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

So let me see if I have this right...

He doesn't want sex with you, he prefers porn.

He's allowed to text or chat with other women because he likes the attention.

You're not allowed any male friends because he accuses you of stuff and gets insanely jealous.

He does things you are unhappy about, apologizes, you always forgive him.

Tells you he wants to break up, and YOU offer to change, cried and begged.

He kisses another woman (and the rest) and tells you about it, Stays overnight with her. Discusses moving in, sex, babies and falling in love with her, whilst taking you out and having sex with you. Justifies it by blaming it on your friendship with your boss. 

But you just feel really really bad about checking his phone.

*And you think the way to make this better is for you to keep showing him YOU have changed and can be trusted.*

Please read everything you have written and think about it a bit more.

You are laying down like a doormat and he is walking all over you.

Have some self respect, tell him you checked his phone if you want to, and tell him that unless he gets rid of this woman (and any others), agrees to MC with you and commits to you and the children, you will be filing for divorce. And mean it.

He is taking advantage but you are allowing it. He sounds very immature, and a player. Don't be played any longer.

You deserve better than this.

Hope that helps.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

And make sure you cannot get pregnant by this man.


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## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

I totally hear what your saying! And i do agree. But my stupid heart keeps telling me to stick it out, and we can work through this. I was really hard on myself the first couple of weeks, beating myself up about all of this, and blaming myself. 
I am going to a shrink, which is helping me with my issues. Which pretty much comes down to abandonment issues, hence one of the reasons i haven't thrown his crap on the lawn. 

Your right though, door mat is putting it bluntly, but is also the truth. I just can't let go right now. My mother (man hater) says to stay untill he leaves, keep having him pay half the bills, taking me to dinner etc. I've always thought of myself as a strong women, until now. I'm starting to get my self confidence back, and i did take my ring off. Its like he is living separate lives, and just seeing which one he wants. Screw this!!! arghh, some days, i'm all about going out and having a good time trying to forget about him, or trying to convince him i have never cheated physically or emtionally on him. Its like he is trying to justify his actions by accusing me of stuff.


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## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

oh ya and to comment on the pregant thing..... which we do not have any kids together. Sat. while we were having "our" he kept saying i want you to have my baby! seriously wtf, we have been together for 7 yrs, and not one time did you ever say you wanted a child with me. what is wrong with this picture?!?!


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## SoConfused0253 (Aug 18, 2012)

You are laying down like a doormat and he is walking all over you.

Have some self respect, tell him you checked his phone if you want to, and tell him that unless he gets rid of this woman (and any others), agrees to MC with you and commits to you and the children, you will be filing for divorce. And mean it.

He is taking advantage but you are allowing it. He sounds very immature, and a player. Don't be played any longer.

You deserve better than this.

Hope that helps. 

:iagree:

I'm going through something similar. I think the best idea is to try to move on with your life. Go out with your friends, try to have fun. Find yourself again. I think we, as women, tend to get lost in love and it's really helpful to do some serious soul-searching to see who you really are. I think you will find that you are better than this, and you deserve better than this. You know that you would never treat him the way he's treating you and this behavior is NOT acceptable.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

I wish there was a book called "No More Mrs Nice Woman".

Perhaps you should try the 180 process and see where that gets you.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

sea117...I would not spend too long trying to convince him you haven't cheated...you are right about him using it to justify his own bad choices.


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