# Wow, Completely Mixed Feelings Right Now....



## lostguy (Aug 11, 2012)

During the early summer of 2011 my wife and I began to drift apart. In the fall of 2011 I found a slew of text messages and phone calls to 2 different numbers at all times of the day and night. I'm talking about 1,000's of text messages and days worth of phone calls each month and this was going on for a few months.

I did some research and found out exactly who that number belonged to and I confronted my wife. She lied at first about who she was talking to but fessed up after a few minutes. I ended up ripping up some wedding pictures and did a lot of yelling. She didn't seem phased much.

A few weeks after this she told me her job was in jeoprady, partly because of these conversations. I was pissed off understandably but I pretty much bit my tonguie and told my wife that we could get through it all. I supported her even after she basically cheated on me. I don't think it was a physical affair, but it was a VERY DEEP emotional affair. The next few months were bad. Friends and family started to wonder why we weren't showing up together. We began sleeping in different rooms. I still offered support though.

I talked about therapy and she agreed to it but stopped after only 3 or 4 visits in the winter of 2012.

Towards the late spring of 2012, things began to turn around for us. We were still sleeping in different rooms but getting along better. It looked like we were on the road to recovery until mid summer when she flat out said she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said I was a great guy, a great husband and all but that she wanted something else. She finally moved out of the house in the fall of 2012.

Now from August of 2012 up until late March I contacted her periodically to see if she was interested in getting back together. The answer was always the same, no. Also, she moved out in October of 2012 and I began trying the online dating thing a few days later because even though she had just moved out, we hadn't even slept in the same bed in almost a year. I had also hired a divorce lawyer around Halloween 2012 which she knew about because she was notified by him.

We've remained cordial since then and I contact her every few weeks when I find some more of her things in the house. I talk to her about getting back together and how I can easily call the lawyer and call it off. She still wasn't interested.

In mid-late March of 2013 she came over for some things and she kind of reluctantly went out for a quick dinner with me. That was the first meal we shared since early August 2012. Everything felt good, almost normal. We talked and had a few laughs. I walked her to her car after dinner and said I enjoyed myself. I offered that we could just take things really slow and meet for dinner or lunch once a week or so and attempt to rebuild our relationship. Again, she wasn't interested.

So about a week later I begin talking with a girl I met at a dating site. I had only talked to a few girls online since I first signed up in October and had only met 1 girl that went bust after 3 dates. Nothing happened other then some kissing. So this was the second girl I went out with after my wife left and we've had two dates so far. It's been great so far. Really great. We have a lot more in common then my wife and I did and we both would like to share in each others hobbies and interests. I know it's only been 2 dates so far, but it's been 2 great dates with nothing but a quick kiss so far. Fine by me at this point.

Anyway, my wife calls me earlier this week because she's having trouble at work again. This is still associated with the emotional affair that began all of this in the summer of 2011. She may lose her job. She's already lost most of her friends and family due to this EA so she's pretty lonely. She really has no one else to talk to about her problems.

I talked to her on the phone for about 2 hours and gave her some advice. I told her she really needs to seek therapy and legal help. My advice on the therapy wasn't an attempt to be mean, it was an honest piece of advice which she agreed on. She called some people and has a few appointments next week.

Earlier today my wife contacted me to see about possibly taking a trip and seeing about getting back together. I feel like she is only saying that because at this point she has no one else to turn to in her life, especially after she was threatened with losing her job. 

I really like this new girl I've been seeing and we've exchanged a ton of messages since our two dates. We would have had more dates but she went away with her family for Easter and won't be back for a few more days.

I'm really interested in seeing where this new relationship goes but I also feel a little guilty about the situation with my wife. Being raised a Catholic and attending Catholic school all through 12 grade does that to you. The whole, "in good times and bad times" vow keeps ringing in my head. Even with this, my family is still supportive of my decision to get a divorce and in fact my parents helped pay for my lawyer. (Even though my wife is the one that left, she never hired a lawyer anything and still hasn't)

Then again, it's not like my wife is interested in working things out under normal circumstances. It's because she may lose her job and doesn't have the support of her friends or family. 

My response to her was that I had no interest in doing anything with her right now. I told her that I believe the only reason she is interested in working things out is because she has no one else. I told her that I wished her luck with her therapy and legal appointments in the coming weeks and that I'd lend an ear if she needed to talk, but that was it. I said I had no interest in doing anything with her in the foreseeable future but could possibly reconsider in the future.

It's ironic because my wife was about a week late in trying to get back together. I've been trying to work on us since the fall of 2011 and it always fell on deaf ears. If she had contacted me about a week earlier then I probably would have said yes to working on things right then and there.

Sorry for my ramblings. I hope you can make sense of it all. I feel like I owe it to myself to find someone I can be happy with but I also feel like the honorable, Catholic thing to do is stand by my wife. For what it's worth, I'm about 90-95% decided to try out the new relationship. The new girl is fully aware of my divorce proceedings but is unaware of my wife's attempt to reconcile today since it just happened a few hours ago.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

She had you as her backup. Keep moving forward, you are no one's plan B.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You haven’t mentioned love. Sounds like you have already moved on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you are Plan B.

Are you really going to settle for that?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Though you mentioned reconciliation to her periodically, you started on the online dating sites soon after she moved out so it sounds as if you were already moving on a bit.

How long were you married? You need to listen to your inner voice for what you really want.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm a Catholic school kid too 5-12 th grade - married in the church - papal blessing & all - great uncle was a bishop - great aunt was a nun - but my WH cheated on me & left - I don't think it was ever God's intention for me to be a doormat for him. Yours has pushed you away for a while it seems - it sounds like you've tried to put things back together for a while -you deserve a chance to see if someone else can make you happy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She fears she's going to lose her job and suddenly she finds you acceptable? Can you say "meal ticket"? Proceed with your divorce and drop her like a bad habit. She's not interested in you. She's had you and wasn't interested. She just likes you better than being homeless.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Seems like you're finally taking the right steps to move on from your stbxw:smthumbup:

You really sound like her Plan B and not one she's even slightly enthusiastic about. More like her meal ticket/comfort food. I think you made the same mistakes a lot of guys in that posistion make. They keep pursuing, asking, throwing reconcilliation talk at their WS which tends to drive them further away more than anything.

Just a suggestion but you should stop contacting her, stop talking about anything with her unless it's related to the divorce/finances/marital property, stop being her emotional pin cushion, and stop being her plan B. 

It sounds like she knows you'd be all for reconcilliation (or were anyway). Since now you're not pushing it and constantly bringing it up, she might regain some respect for you and actually _seriously_consider it. Especially if she is as lonely as you claim.

If she comes back and puts in the heavy work along with you to help repair the marriage great, if not then you have already taken the steps to move on.

But don't ever come off so eager to be a woman's Plan B. Women don't respect that, especially ones who've already strayed from their husbands and didn't respect them much to begin with.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Don't feel guilty. Your wife has been dangling you on a string for long enough. Time to move on. So she's having trouble at work - boo hoo. Clearly the boyfriend isn't a shoulder to cry on. Your wife is panicking, but this is no longer your problem

I wish you luck with the new girl and even if it doesn't work out then so what? There are lots of women out there


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Things happen for a reason and seems like you met this new girl at the right time. Had you met this girl a week after, you would have gone back to your wife, who strung you along for almost two years as Plan B. Sounds like you've gave her enough chances to reconcile. She chose, NO. Now, it's time to file those papers and move on. I assume you two have no kids?


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## mallycoo (Oct 22, 2012)

I would honestly move on with this new girl I think.

Your ex didn't want to know till things got bad for her, I think like many women she let something catch her eye and totally bypassed the part where she thinks about the long term consequences of her actions.

You on the other hand have tried to do the right thing and make it work, you have suffered and grieved, you have gone through the process and come out the other side, you deserve to move on with a clean conscience. 

I honestly think that although it might have seemed the other way at first you are actually further along the curve than your ex, she might have seemed like she was happy and had moved on but that was only because she tried to totally bypass the part where you feel like crap which is inevitable and now it is just starting to catch up with her. 

I am starting to see similar things in my ex, suddenly she is tearful and easily upset despite being ever so happy with her new "relationship" and asking me to go out to lunch with her etc.

I doubt she really thought about any of this in the kind of depth that is necessary, so many women seem to be like a child who let something catch their eye and then at some point down the line they suddenly realise their life isn't going so great because there's more to a happy life than the fresh feeling of new attention. I honestly think that for some women the reality only truly hits when their ex finds someone else, even if they have been seeing someone themselves for a long time.

She made her bed and she should lay in it.

I honestly don't think reconciling would work right now anyway, the dust needs to settle and you would need to be more certain that she really wanted to make it work and you can't be sure of that at the moment. The problem is you can interpret the same events different ways, she might just be interested because things are going bad or you could say that things going bad have have finally opened her eyes to what she has done but only time will tell you how it really is and she had no time for you when you were suffering and trying to show her how much you loved her so why give her time now?

I would proceed with your new girl, you deserve to have a chance of being with someone who respects you and is good for you. And hey if it doesn't work out then maybe some time later after she has been the one to feel totally rejected and powerless then maybe you will be on an even enough playing field to consider reconciliation but only if YOU decide that's what you want but as it stands she isn't good enough for you, maybe one day she will be but you owe her nothing so don't wait around to find out.


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## promarriage (Mar 21, 2013)

If you love your wife, then I would consider getting back with her. However, I would not rush back into the marriage. I would continue dating the woman you have just met. Although things seem to be great after two dates, you do not know her well enough to see a future yet. Play hard to get with your wife. That will build her desire back up. If you ultimately get back with your wife, you need to make changes in yourself. You should take care of you. If you don't love your wife, it will be up to her to win you back. Stay open-minded, happy, and confident, for your attractiveness is at a high level when you can attain these attributes.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Finish the divorce

If you and the STBX want to date after that and see where it goes, fine. You can always remarry with a Justice of The Peace or a Judge.

I agree with the others who say that since her life is in the crapper now you're the back-up plan.

BTW, if the two of you DO get back together you need for her to get tested for STDs. No one else here has said it but you know she's beem intimate with someone else


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are in this situation.

I started dating and I have not even filed. I have a beautiful and caring woman that adores me in my life and I heal a little bit each day.

One thing I might have missed but is probably important is whether or not you and the WS agreed that it is OK to see other people during your separation? I told my WAW she should see other people if I was not the man to make her happy. I ended up finding someone, who knew?

I have a nagging feeling my WAW is going to come to her senses and want to R within the next 6 months. Unfortunately, that train left the station.

I made my decision to move on and any R would have to be as if it were a whole new relationship from the foundation up.

My point is to be honest about seeing other people so you do not have anything to regret. Honest and on the table.

Most importantly, congrats on being wanted again. Feels great doesn't it!

Stretch


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## promarriage (Mar 21, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Sorry you are in this situation.
> 
> I started dating and I have not even filed. I have a beautiful and caring woman that adores me in my life and I heal a little bit each day.
> 
> ...


Right on Stretch. You probably turned the table around. Kind of what I advised Lost Boy to do. Continue dating. It is up to your wife to win you back. If she can get you to fall back in love, then go back in at arms length. It could be a new beginning for a deeper love, where you both can correct mistakes that were made before. Remember the saying, 'If love comes back, its yours to keep'. You would still have to work at it though, just like most everybody, and if you both did, it truly would be yours to keep. Wisdom is the greatest virtue, and you have gained an enormous amount through your experience. Use it.


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## promarriage (Mar 21, 2013)

lostguy said:


> During the early summer of 2011 my wife and I began to drift apart. In the fall of 2011 I found a slew of text messages and phone calls to 2 different numbers at all times of the day and night. I'm talking about 1,000's of text messages and days worth of phone calls each month and this was going on for a few months.
> 
> Give us an update LostBoy


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