# Not sure if wife has cheated but signs are well lit



## charlesx (Aug 13, 2017)

This is my first time here. Later I will post my whole marriage story and how I got to this point. A few months ago I suspected that my wife was being unfaithful. After being together for almost eight years this was the first time I suspected. I searched through her phone records online as we both have the same plan. I know it's wrong. After coming up with dead end after dead end I found two texts sent to her one after the other. I googled the number as I did with the other one's and came up with a guy's name and address about a mile and a half from our new place and less than a half mile from our former address which we moved from in February. Being that she drives for a ride sharing company I initially thought it was a client. Well being the jerk that I am I searched him on FB and saw pictures of his dog. "A dog?" you say. Well here's where it gets interesting. I use her old phone because mine pooped the bed and after our disagreement about her second trip to her Asian home country in 5 months I asked her who's dog that was with her in a picture on the phone. She said it was her friend "Mary's". Oh ok fine. A few months later I see this same dog on this guy's FB than notice the pictures were deleted on my phone although there are pics still there for the same time period. After an argument yesterday I asked her to drive me to check a house location for a job. We got near the house and I asked her to stop so that I could take a pic. She got all defensive, refused to turn around and asked me what I was doing. I asked her what's the big deal I'm just taking a pic of the property. Well anyway I asked her if she knew who lived there and she asked me if I did. I said yeah your bf. She said she has no bf. I asked her about the dog, why she lied to me about being her friends, why she deleted the pics and if it was just a friend why not just ask "why are you worried about my friend's house?" She said because she knew what I was getting at and that I was wrong about it. She also said that she didn't want to involve these people in our stuff. She also said she used to work with "them" at the company she was laid off from in December. I've found no evidence of that. Wouldn't this guy have at least one FB friend out of 300 or so who worked there? These pics of her with the dog are from last year. If it's just a friend than why all of the secrecy? I've never shown any jealousy towards her other male friends. What does everybody think? Am I being an idiot.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Does he have a wife she could have been friends with? 

Only 2 texts from the guy? 

I don't think it's wrong to snoop but unless you have actual proof it is not productive to accuse. 

If she did have an affair her guard is up and she will remove any proof there might be. 
If she didn't have an affair you're doing irrecoverable damage to your marriage. 

I personally don't think you have enough to accuse her of an affair.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What did the texts say?


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## charlesx (Aug 13, 2017)

Thanks for your reply. He does not have a wife and it doesn't seem that he has a gf. I had voiced my suspicions before her trip and was met with denials. She would say she was going to the grocery at around 5-6 pm and would come home after 10pm. She said it was just to get away from me for awhile. My marriage is already on it's death bed and there seems little chance of recovery. I had told her before her trip that I wanted a divorce but have since retracted. She now says she's filing for divorce soon but it all has little to do with this stuff. We have a 6 yr old autistic son and both have adult children from previous marriages.


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## charlesx (Aug 13, 2017)

I can only see the number as I don't search her phone. Yes it's only two texts but I suspect that they communicate in some other manner. Maybe FB chat although he is not one of her FB friends. She's aware of my detective abilities and I think his texts were a slip up. There is also a lot of late night/early morning texts to and from a VOIP phone number which is virtually untraceable.


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## stiiky (Jul 29, 2017)

Based off of what you said, I don’t see any reason to suspect cheating. Either that or you’re not looking in the right place. If she were cheating, there would be multiple phone calls or messages to one particular number or social media messages. Two text messages don’t say cheating in my opinion. To stop and take a picture randomly of a house, even if it belongs to someone she knows, is a little weird to me. Before all this snooping around, what made you suspect she was cheating? Was her behavior abnormal like she was distant toward you or trying to hide something on her phone or computer?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Why did you change your mind about the divorce? 

Why do you think she is wanting/going to file?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

charlesx said:


> Thanks for your reply. He does not have a wife and it doesn't seem that he has a gf. I had voiced my suspicions before her trip and was met with denials. She would say she was going to the grocery at around 5-6 pm and would come home after 10pm. She said it was just to get away from me for awhile. My marriage is already on it's death bed and there seems little chance of recovery. I had told her before her trip that I wanted a divorce but have since retracted. She now says she's filing for divorce soon but it all has little to do with this stuff. We have a 6 yr old autistic son and both have adult children from previous marriages.


You state the marriage is on its death bed, you both are threatening each other with divorce, why not just file? Do you still want to try and repair this marriage?

Quit asking her if she's having an affair, wayward spouses never admit they are and they just further hide things if they are.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She is aware of your detective abilities? Does that mean you've confronted her about things you've found before? 

My ex drove me by a house one time. Apparently my "bfs" cause I had multiple long phone conversations with him. I had no idea what he was talking about. 
"Your bf "Kevin" lives here, I know all about it. Where he works, who his friends are" 

Huh? Never heard of him. 

Then he said the full name. 

Oh, that last name is our daughter's friend. She uses my phone to call her. 

He looked like an idiot. This is one reason you don't pull the cord and do a dramatic scene. 

If you wanted to divorce anyway and now she does, just drop it and move on. Doesn't even matter at this point.


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## charlesx (Aug 13, 2017)

As I stated before I think the texts were a slip up on his behalf as she didn't reply and that they do or used to communicate in some other manner because she might know that I can access the phone info online easily as the account is in my name. I also think that if something was going on that it's over now. It wasn't the texts that made me suspicious it was lying about who's dog it was in the pic and her behavior when we drove past the house.


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## charlesx (Aug 13, 2017)

I don't want to divorce as I don't know what I will do without her. She wants to file now because she says I've changed and there might not be any end to our financial issues. I haven't had a lot of work lately so I stay home with my son when he isn't in school and she is out driving for work. She doesn't seem to see much value in that although we don't have daycare or a babysitter. We used to be great together. She would laugh at my joking around and we had a lot of fun. Now she rarely laughs although I haven't become less funny. As far as looks go she's very pretty and I guess that most women would consider me handsome. I know that it really doesn't matter but this guy is not handsome at all.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She cheated, and she's probably still cheating.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have enough red flags.
Pics of a dog that appear on her phone and his FB page.
Getting confrontational near his house.
Late night and early morning texting (to one number?)
4 hour trips to a grocery store.

Taken together, these would be typical affair behavior.

Does her phone have a location function? Where you can see where she goes.


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## charlesx (Aug 13, 2017)

She's a "ride share" driver. She could go anywhere. The phone was hers but is now being used by me. When I asked who's dog it was she told me it was her friend's (who I know) and than admitted months later that it was this guy's. When I asked her why she deleted the pics she said because she knew I would make an issue of it. But if it's just a friend than why do all of that and get all huffy about driving near that house?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Add lying about her "friend" and deception and secrecy to the affair behavior list.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

charlesx said:


> She's aware of my detective abilities



I can tell. On a lighter note, get a dog tracking collar and hid it in her vehicle. "Ride share" may take on a whole new meaning for you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

There is not enough to say for sure if she cheated or not. 

Accusing her of anything at this point is just not productive. 

Assuming she cheated is going to just cloud your view on any of the many other problems you both wanted to divorce over. 

My ex was 100% convinced I was cheating when I wanted to leave, the house example was just one of him accusing me and searching everything to find the proof. 

I had a few times went and stayed at a motel for the night to get away from him. 

I became confrontational when he made the accusations. 

I started hiding my things because I no longer wanted to fix my relationship. I was leaving it. He didn't have the right to go through my stuff anymore. 

He simply couldn't understand that the reasons I was leaving were valid and hyper focused on why it must be an affair.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't know if she's cheated or not but don't ever threaten divorce unless you mean it. Now that you've brought it up, she may go through with it even though that was not what you wanted.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

SAHD, check.

Man without the courage of his convictions (if you say something so potentially life changing, never flip flop, you vacillate on divorce and are not bringing money into the house how does she respect your worth as the man of the household..she doesn't)

A man so insecure he accuses his wife without concrete proof that she's cheating, check.

Even in the face of cheating he still doesn't want divorce, so what does that say about your own self worth and again how is your wife if she's banging someone else supposed to respect you? Well she doesn't.

Get a job, get the divorce and move on.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

First off (and without looking at the other comments), you've got a suspicion (and probably rightly so), but a lack of proof.

The dog could be coincidental (emphasis on could). It could be two similar, almost identical dogs.

The secrecy, defensiveness and deleting photos, however, are red flags.

As someone else advised me on another thread, if she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat, and there is little you can do about it.

Play your cards close to your chest. Be less (openly) suspicious of her. You've let the cat out of the bag by showing your suspicions and making accusations, and she will more than likely take steps to cover her tracks more carefully from now on.

It's hard, I know, but you need to play it cool. If she's cheating, you need to get hard evidence. I would recommend looking at the thread 'Standard Evidence Post' in Coping With Infidelity if you are that sure that she is up to something. Though, if you do decide to take some of the steps advised here, tread VERY carefully (and use the evidence gained (if any) to confirm to yourself that your instincts were right. Do not use it to confront her with).

What you do if and when you get hard evidence is an entirely different matter. One bridge at a time.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

stiiky said:


> To stop and take a picture randomly of a house...is a little weird to me.


....and the person(s) living at said house might take offence to this as well.

I wouldn't be too happy about some strange guy taking photos of my house. Even when the cars were going round getting photos for Google Maps, a lot of people complained about invasion of privacy.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

What apps does she have on her phone and what apps have been deleted (cross reference with install history)?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK.

Let's say she is cheating. Or did have a fling back then.
You say the marriage is on it's last legs....and I suspect it is.

Let it go:

The marriage.
The wife.

Let her find a new man..or many.
Find yourself a new women after divorce.

Stop torturing her and yourself. Why are you doing this?

Get out and start a new life.

Just Sayin'


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

charlesx said:


> What does everybody think? Am I being an idiot.


If your wife is already planning to file for divorce, then nothing else matters anymore. Avoid the stress of investigating your wife's relationship with this other guy. It's not worth the damage that those details can do to you when your marriage is about to end anyway. Instead put your efforts into how to have a happier future. This includes being able to bring in income each month. Never again try to be a house husband.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> SAHD, check.
> 
> Get a job, get the divorce and move on.


The thing about SAHDs is that every woman (in accordance with direction from Cosmos et. al., other woman's magazines) thinks it great except, and wait for it, the wife and mother in law. It goes without saying the father and father in law think it sucks and no real man would do it. They are right.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you should put aside the snooping, though I think she is guilty of something. Go and get some work, no woman wants to support her husband financially. Deal with that first.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Is she's gonna file, you should file first. 

Interview several lawyers in town. They will not likely take her on her as you spoke with them first. 

You'll see her true light when she's served. You can always delay or cancel proceedings too. 

If trust is gone in a marriage, the marriage is pretty much gone.


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## charlesx (Aug 13, 2017)

Uh no. I did write that she admitted that the dog lived at that house and wasn't her friends.


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## charlesx (Aug 13, 2017)

Well I'd like to thank everyone for their advice. I'm just going to ride it out and I'm not going to worry about what she's doing anymore and concentrate on my son and myself. I'd especially like to thank BobSimmons who seems like a guy that feels better about himself when he disparages others (check) and Aline just because I'm not working consistently doesn't mean that I don't have money saved or that she's supporting me. I should have known better that to post something in a forum where many people have a bug up their butts. Oh and by the way. My wife told me last night that she wants us to go to counseling to try to save our marriage. That's before we had sex. I'll be deleting my account soon.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Charles settle down buddy. People are getting frustrated with you because it is pretty obvious she is cheating. Saying stuff like I'm not going to worry about her upsets a lot of people who are trying to give you advice that you ignore. She is cheating and I think you know that. It's fine you don't have a full time job but sense you probably have a cheating wife that is something you might want to work towards. She might decide one day to run off with another man or something and no one wants you blindsided. If you want to allow your wife to have an affair and ignore it, that's in you. If you want to be a cuckhold, it your call. The counseling is a good idea, you should ask her to take a poly.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

I'll second what @thedope said.

True, there are a lot of people on here that use the forums to vent their own frustrations, and some that assume the worst. Sometimes people just get the wrong end of the stick and don't perceive the situation quite as it is, perhaps getting a few details wrong or making assumptions.

You need to sift through the advice given and determine for yourself which is the good advice.

Don't give up.


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