# Living in Limbo, 3 months now...Need advice, Please.



## Shar0001 (Nov 13, 2010)

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read my first post. I have read a lot of great advice and have experienced a great deal of Fellowship in these threads from folks who are going through very similar situations as myself. I wish all of us the best!
Now, a (hopefully!) short history of the last 90 days of my life. 
I am currently separated after 11 years of marriage and 3 sons, 2 of which are with my current husband and an older boy from my previous marriage. Almost a year ago, my H became quite distant and we began to bicker more and more, until I asked him what was wrong-really? And didn't he love me any more? He laid the bomb on me that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore, and went on to say that he had actually considered moving out for a few weeks to see if it would improve things! I felt as though I'd been shot!!! (I know many of you know that feeling, so I won't go too far into this) Well, needless to say, after shooting a hole into what i felt was the safety net of our relationship (i know longer trusted him, and actually also strongly suspected an affair-which he has always maintained as untrue) our relationship continued to deteriorate for the next 8 months. After some very over the top fights, I asked him mid-July if he wanted a divorce and he said he did. He told me a little while later that he felt the relief down to his toes when he said that! We both agreed that fighting in front of the kids had become a serious thing and they talked to other people about it (family and friends) so something had to be done. I offered to move out since I cannot afford the mortgage-he can barely. However, we have not severed our sexual relationship, and have agreed to try and do what we can to see if we can reconcile. I pulled the plug completely about a month 1/2 ago, and he flipped, told me I was "throwing away 12 yrs." and finally asked me out on a date. Since then, we've gone to counseling every 2 weeks, and talk daily. I have rented space at a friends home with my oldest son for 3 months now, and it is a financial hardship fro both of us to be apart. I have asked him if I can move back home and he said he's not ready to take that chance. I miss my home and living as a family so much! I am willing to try and accept the fact that in reality, the way he is will probably never change. I felt very emotionally starved by him for years. he is a contractor with his own business, and very over worked. Our sex life has always been wonderful; that is never an issue. I need some advice on how to go on living in limbo with him calling the shots as to whether I will ever return home! I think we could continue the work we are doing there! but the more he hold off, the more resentful I get and I feel like I am not sure if it is really a good idea. Sometimes I feel like the real reason I want to go home is for my kids. I am very confused and could use advice. Thank you.


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

I kinda see that if he is like myself, I feel really hurt over the factors that led up to the big blow out and would be cautious in protecting myself, I think the extended dating is an attempt to make sure things are going to be alright, issues are resolved and stable, before reuniting the whole family, I would do the same thing if my wife wanted to fix our issues!


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## Shar0001 (Nov 13, 2010)

thank you so much for your reply! I know since I am the one who is "out", I am more anxious to "fix" things, and get back to normal, or whatever normal will be from now on...I guess I also have doubts as to whether one can "change" and both of us have been so hurt, and have felt so misunderstood and unseen, I wonder if we can overcome these things. Will we return to our old "normal" if I move back, much as we don't want to? All of the things about him that drove me nuts are still there, and he is so overly sensitive to my "demeanor" as he puts it, I have my doubts. And that breaks my heart all over again. Are we prolonging the inevitable?


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