# Wife is pregnant



## T4ever

Ok I am having a extremely difficult time. My wife and I separated after 5 years of marriage. After one month she became pregnant from another man. I didn't know until we're 4 months into the separation and I already filed. I was in the process of going through therapy because I was so depressed. I actually had a major affair and realized I made a major mistake. I wanted to tell her everything and ask forgiveness. The guilt was eating me from the inside out. A day after deciding to tell her I found out she was pregnant and it threw me into a deeper depression. I sat her down with my therapist and told her everything. She forgave me and we started to see each other. After a month she moved back in. She said the guy that knocked her up wanted nothing to do with the baby. She decided to keep the baby and wants me to be the father. This devastated me but I had to respect her decision. I really love her but I am having a hard time coping with raising another mans baby as my own. I want to be a bigger man and step up bc I can't stand to see my wife abandoned and raise this kiddo alone. She doesn't make much but I do. I feel like this boy is coming due to my decision to have a affair. Should I stay and suck it up? Should I call it for what it is and move forward with the divorce? We sent paperwork to the guy asking him to sign over all rights. No response after two weeks. Also I saw the guy and he is a loser. Not just saying that he is a dead beat hippie skinny nasty guy. That alone is messing with my head. Why would my wife want to sleep with this a hole much less have his baby? If anyone out there has been through this please let me know what happened in your situation and if you regretted your decision. Thanks for your feedback. My wife is really a sweet person and I still love her. This is so hard and I need to make a decision soon. Baby is coming in 2 months.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Why did you have an affair on your wife? I'd say its even and move on from it. You both made the wrong choice. Don't forget you also had an affair on your wife too.


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## tom67

You will always resent her and the om kid.

The pos that knocked her up should support his kid.

Time to move on just my opinion.


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## EleGirl

When you say that you sent the guy papers for him to sign over his rights as the father, did an attorney prepare the papers? Or did you come up with the papers yourself?

It is not fair to this child for you have thoughts like you deserve to have to raise this child because you cheated. What a horrible guilt trip for a child to have to carry for their entire life.

What has changed in your marriage that makes you think that the two of you can now have a healthy marriage after you cheated and she is pregnant from this guy? It sounds like a continuing disaster.


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## manfromlamancha

There are a few different issues here:

Firstly, you and your wife should not reconcile unless you truly want to and understand what each of you have to do, what boundaries you have to respect etc. regardless of whether she is pregnant or not. Understand that this reconciliation will take some time and that there will be ups and downs, triggers etc along the way. Read the right books, get counselling and commit to the reconciliation once you have decided.

Secondly, quite separate to this is the acceptance that this baby is innocent - pure and simple. You will have to accept this regardless of whether you reconcile or not. If you do reconcile then this baby is now part of your family through your wife. You should accept the baby for what it is - an innocent soul that needs to be loved and cared for and should also bring joy to your family.

Thirdly, from a financial support point of view, the OM is financially obliged to provide this and should not be let off the hook (even if you could afford to do this without him). This also should happen regardless of whether you reconcile or not.

I know that this is easier for me to write than to do but I have the advantage at the moment of looking at this through objective vision.

I wish you peace and healing no matter what you decide.


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## LongWalk

How did it feel to have sex with your wife with another man's planted inside her?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Aerith

Do you have your own kids? Did you or do you plan to have kids? And the other question - can you have your own kids?

Was your wife pregnancy accidental or planned? 

IMO, the only acceptable way to raise other man's kid is when husband is infertile...


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## PBear

LongWalk said:


> How did it feel to have sex with your wife with another man's planted inside her?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Was this intended to be helpful or hurtful?

C


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## LongWalk

PBear said:


> Was this intended to be helpful or hurtful?
> 
> C


Hurtful? Perhaps it is an intense question to consider.

Trying to understand if OP thinks that the pain has peaked. I think that for many people babies are hard to dislike. If a man has had children before and accepted the responsibility of fatherhood, then I think – but I don't know – that the baby disconnected from the mother would be more tolerable than a spouse heavy with child.

If he is able to bond by a having sex even while she is pregnant, then perhaps one of the most difficult periods is over. Still, there may be men for the sight to the child would never sit well. I wonder if it would create a desire for a new baby to some how even the score.

Would his wife even want more children?

Also, what if this pregnancy has complications and she is unable to have more children? What will he think of the baby then?

What is the child is handicapped or is a problem child?

Perhaps having sex is just the one in a series of hurdles to restoring respect and affection.


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## T4ever

Ok I am not sure if I can have kids or not.
We were actually talking about that this morning. Maybe this happened for a reason? 

The main problem I am having is dealing with my pride. It is hard seeing your wife with another mans baby growing inside of her.

I do not want to be reminded of this horrible time in my life everyday going forward. I need to find a way to get passed this or let her go.

As for the papers we wrote them up and notarized them.

She did not to do this to hurt me. She was lonely and enjoyed having company.

We are actually at a fancy hotel now trying relax. She woke up this morning and said it was time
For her to move out bc she can't stand seeing me hurt anymore. I am not progressing. I can't let her go for some reason. I'm 
Not ready to give up. I am not a quitter. Help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

It is not your duty to rescue her or the other man's baby.

A marriage built upon your guilt will not survive.

She did not have the right to have sex with him while you were separated. This is a debatable point perhaps, depending on personal beliefs and what the specific agreement may have been between you at the time. For me, being separated is still being married. She thus had an affair, with this baby being the result.

Your affair does not justify or nullify her having sex with someone else.

Your affair does not obligate you to take on the other man's child as a lifelong responsibility.

At the very least, I believe if you do stay with her that you should have a lawyer step in to get child support from the bio-dad.

Nowhere have I read what it is that would make your marriage good going forward.

My opinion is that neither one of you will be happy if you stay married under these circumstances.


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## LongWalk

> She woke up this morning and said it was time
> For her to move out bc she can't stand seeing me hurt anymore. I am not progressing. I can't let her go for some reason. I'm
> Not ready to give up. I am not a quitter.


She has to meet your needs if she wants to you to accept another man's child. She cannot standing seeing you hurt because she is a quitter and is ready to give up.

Why should you commit to her if she cannot in return?

Was your marriage affected by inability to conceive?


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## T4ever

We were just getting to the point of deciding to have kids. This is my plan let me know what you think.

Step 1: get tested to see the potency of my sperm. We have long suspected I am not able to have kids. I had a accident when I was 12 with my scrodum. Dr didn't know what affect it would have on me. Already got the test and I will post them here when I see what's up.

Step 2: find another couple out there that has gone through this situation and ask how they dealt with it, what they would do differently, and get any pointers possible.

Step 3: find a way to forgive my wife for the affair and keeping the baby. This is one scenario that a abortion could be the right thing to do. However I could never demand that and have her resent me the rest of her life. The baby is coming and I can not selfishly take away his chance of life because of our issues. So I do respect her decision to keep the baby and I hope she allows me to be in his life regardless of this outcome. This baby's life was set in motion due to my actions regardless of what anyone thinks.

Step 4: continue to deal with my addiction to sex and alcohol. Please remember people I am by no means perfect and my wife has forgiven me for what I have done and continues to support me through this time even after I betrayed her trust. I have been in therapy for over 5 months now. I have been to therapy with her 3 times now.

Step 5: get her into therapy without me and figure out why she did what she did. She does have issues not nearly as deep as mine but she does have them. Her knowing herself better will help her come to terms with her decision and figure out why she loves me still after all of this mess.

It sounds like most of you think this marriage is beyond the point of return. I am still not ready to give up. She does make me happy. Great wife...cooks, cleans, nurturing, cares and listens to my problems, loves animals...we share 5, most all she puts up with my baloney. I have a lot of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

T4ever said:


> Ok I am not sure if I can have kids or not.
> We were actually talking about that this morning. Maybe this happened for a reason?
> 
> The main problem I am having is dealing with my pride. It is hard seeing your wife with another mans baby growing inside of her.
> 
> I do not want to be reminded of this horrible time in my life everyday going forward. I need to find a way to get passed this or let her go.





T4ever said:


> As for the papers we wrote them up and notarized them.


The papers that you wrote up and notarized are completely useless. The courts do not let fathers/parents just sign away their responsibilities. Even signing away legal rights as parents is not all that easy.

In most states the husband is presumed to be the legal father of any child born into the marriage. It’s very hard for the husband terminate this legal responsibility towards the child. What this means is that in most states, if the two of you are married when this baby is born you are the child’s legal father. The bio-father would have to go to court, spend a lot of money, and fight for paternal rights. He’s not likely to get it if you, as the legal father, is not willing to give up your legal rights and responsibilities.

Note that I’m using two words here: “Rights” and “Responsibilities”.

“Rights” means your legal rights to see the child, parent the child and make decisions in the child’s life.

“Responsibilities” mean that you will most likely be legally responsible to raise this child, pay child support, college, etc. simply because you are married to this child’s mother. 

In some states a man cannot finalize a divorce against a pregnant woman.

Some states are now allowing husband’s to use DNA to prove that they are not the bio-father and thus to terminate all of the rights/responsibilities to the child. But if there is not a bio-father who can take over responsibility for the child, the husband is usually on the hook as the legal father. 

If a child is older and the husband has as long-term relationship with this child believing that the husband is his father, if the husband has behaved as the child’s father, the court will see him as the legal father and he cannot give up his legal rights and responsibilities.

Now let’s talk about this bio-dad. If your wife is single when this baby is born, she has 100% legal and physical custody to this child. The bio-dad has zero rights. Either he would have to sue for paternal rights, have a DNA test done…. Etc. then he would get the responsibly to pay child support, etc. and might get some visitation.

If she is single you would have on recourse to get any form of rights to this child as you are not the bio-father.
The bottom line is that the courts want a mother and father who have legal rights and responsibility for a child. This way there are two people who can support the child. This keeps children out of foster homes and off welfare. 
Also be very careful what paperwork and deals you get involved with when dealing with children… sometimes they can look like selling a child or making deals with a child and the ‘reward’. Always do these things through a reputable lawyer… legally.

Before you make any decisions here you need to find out what the laws are about this in your states.



T4ever said:


> She did not to do this to hurt me. She was lonely and enjoyed having company.


Yea you put her in a bad spot.



T4ever said:


> We are actually at a fancy hotel now trying relax. She woke up this morning and said it was time
> For her to move out bc she can't stand seeing me hurt anymore. I am not progressing. I can't let her go for some reason. I'm not ready to give up. I am not a quitter. Help!


I know that your situation is more loaded than mine was. But I want to talk to you about raising a child who is not your bio child.

I have a son who I adopted when he was 10 days old. There is no difference between the love one has for bio children and an adopted child (or in your case just sort of showed up in your life). My son is 24 now. I am blessed to have him in my life. 

If you chose to raise this child, the outcome is completely in your control. You can be choose to be bitter and hurt. Or you can choose to understand that you are blessed with a child who will grow to love you and bring good things to your life that you would not have otherwise.

Life is full of choices. What we make of them determines who we are.


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## EleGirl

Did your wife know about your affair before you separated? Or did she only find out after, when you told her things with your therapist there?

When did your wife start to see the other guy? While you two were still together or after you separated? WAs it after you filed for divorce?

Is your divorce still in progress or did you stop it?


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## Pepper123

Move forward. There is no good ending here, so you should proceed with the one that offers best recovery.


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## lifeistooshort

So if you had knocked up your other woman and she kept the baby would you want your wife to stay and participate in raising said baby? Just trying to gauge the extent of the double standard here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

T4ever said:


> This is one scenario that a abortion could be the right thing to do. However I could never demand that and have her resent me the rest of her life.


This is not your call. The baby is not yours. This is between the mother and father of the child, and of course their consciences.


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## T4ever

Wife didn't know about affair until 5 months after separation. She got pregnant one month after the separation. She said she didn't sleep with him after I filed. We both signed but in my state you have to go in front of the judge to finalize. So the divorce is on hold.


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## T4ever

Thanks...I figured the papers were useless. I just wanted to make sure this guy doesn't show up years down the road. If he really wants nothing to do with this baby he would sign. I would have a hard time having to see him going forward.


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## bandit.45

Continue with the divorce. No way you will be able to raise another mans child. You and your wife have no business being married to each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

You love your wife and enjoy her company. As long as you do not divorce, depending on the laws of your state, you become the legal father of the child.

Go to the andrologist and get your sperm tested. I have cousin who worked for a doctor, doing this. She checked to see if they have misshapen heads, broken tails, etc. She told me one guy who came in had nothing in his semen. His girlfriend was pregnant.

Life goes on. Drinking and porn are within your power to control.

Sounds as if you are not so very unhappy. 

You still didn't say if your sex life had taken a hit. You know that child birth changes a woman's vagina. I think a lot men would be bothered knowing that the change was because of someone else's child. But what does it matter if you love her.


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## lisab0105

LongWalk said:


> She has to meet your needs if she wants to you to accept another man's child. She cannot standing seeing you hurt because she is a quitter and is ready to give up.
> 
> Why should you commit to her if she cannot in return?
> 
> Was your marriage affected by inability to conceive?


Uh, he kinda quit first. Affair, didn't want to be with her, filed for divorce. All him.


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## lisab0105

Okay, here is what happened to me. 

Boyfriend of 6 years and I split up and I moved out of state. 4 months later, I started dating someone and 6 weeks later I found out what a lying liar he was and I ended it. 4 hours later, I found out I was pregnant. Told him, he wanted nothing to do with us. Fine. So 4 1/2 months I am on own in Idaho. The pay sucks like a f*cking hoover there and I decided to go back to Jersey where I at least had some slim chance in hell of making a decent paycheck. Ex and I start talking again, he knows all about me being pregnant. We reconnect more and a few months later we are officially back together. It bothers him to a point that I am pregnant with another mans child, but he is able to really get past it and accept the baby for what he is going to be...an innocent, cute as hell baby. Baby is born and my former ex completely falls in love with my son. He considered him his son. He and I didn't work out, again...and we broke up for good August 2010. He is still in my sons life. See's him ever other weekend, we switch holidays. He is the father the bio-dad never stepped up to be. My son idolizes my ex. 

A child can NEVER have too many people that love them. You have to realize, you set wheels in motion that had some serious repercussions to your marriage. YOU moved out, YOU filed for divorce. Once you filed, she was free to do as she pleases, IMO. That entailed dating someone and an unplanned pregnancy. 

Your wife loves you. She has proven that. It is up to you if you can love her enough to accept her and the baby. I know you can look past the DNA of the child, but do you want too? Perhaps, when that baby is born you won't see the crappy dude she went to bed with...you will just see a baby that is a part of your wife. Maybe, that will be enough


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## T4ever

lisab0105 that is by the far the best response I have read. I have been looking all over for someone like you. You are 100% right in your statements. Can you please answer the below if you don't mind being open. The only difference here is you two weren't married correct? That is a big difference but this is as close as I have heard of. 

Why did you break up after the baby was born?

How did he deal with you keeping the baby and moving past it?

Did he already have kids of his own?

I have told my wife many times that I always want to have her and the baby in my life going forward regardless if we work. She made it clear over and over that she only wants to be my wife and nothing else. If we don't work out I don't get to see her or the baby. I don't like that at all.

What you said "A child can NEVER have too many people that love them." is something I couldn't agree with more. 

I am thinking the same thing that once I see the baby I won't see the jackass that knocked her up. Most sons do look more like their mothers anyways I just need to make it to the point of her birth without losing it. 

I am having a few issues:

When people say "congratulations" I don't know how I feel about it and I am sure I act strange when they say it.

I am hurt when her mother gets excited about the baby even though I know she has ever right to be excited because this is her daughter that needs her support now more than ever. Also she has never been a grandmother before. That is 100% my problem. 

My parents aren't really open with this at all. They have made a clear stance that they are staying out of it all together. I have a feeling that they will be ok after the baby is born and will come around. Very conservative parents which of course is now affecting me in my situation.


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## BK23

You are pretty young, and you don't have any kids... In your position, I'd be running for the hills. 

The only way I'd even consider sticking around is if she aborted or gave the baby up for adoption. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life a constant reminder of the guy your wife banged?

Also pretty suspicious timing. You might want to consider that you are just a meal ticket to her. The scumbag doesn't want her, and she needs a daddy for junior...


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## lisab0105

T4ever said:


> lisab0105 that is by the far the best response I have read. I have been looking all over for someone like you. You are 100% right in your statements. Can you please answer the below if you don't mind being open. The only difference here is you two weren't married correct? That is a big difference but this is as close as I have heard of.
> 
> Why did you break up after the baby was born?
> 
> How did he deal with you keeping the baby and moving past it?
> 
> Did he already have kids of his own?
> 
> I have told my wife many times that I always want to have her and the baby in my life going forward regardless if we work. She made it clear over and over that she only wants to be my wife and nothing else. If we don't work out I don't get to see her or the baby. I don't like that at all.
> 
> What you said "A child can NEVER have too many people that love them." is something I couldn't agree with more.
> 
> I am thinking the same thing that once I see the baby I won't see the jackass that knocked her up. Most sons do look more like their mothers anyways I just need to make it to the point of her birth without losing it.
> 
> I am having a few issues:
> 
> When people say "congratulations" I don't know how I feel about it and I am sure I act strange when they say it.
> 
> I am hurt when her mother gets excited about the baby even though I know she has ever right to be excited because this is her daughter that needs her support now more than ever. Also she has never been a grandmother before. That is 100% my problem.
> 
> My parents aren't really open with this at all. They have made a clear stance that they are staying out of it all together. I have a feeling that they will be ok after the baby is born and will come around. Very conservative parents which of course is now affecting me in my situation.



We weren't married, but that is just a legal document. We lived together, shared finances, he had a daughter that I was close with. 6 years is a long time to be with someone. 

We broke up when my son was 2 1/2. So he had plenty of bonding time with the ex, daddy was his first word for crying out loud. We broke up because our same issues still existed, he didn't really love me. He was comfortable with me, but he didn't love me. So, again I ended it. But we are still friendly and like I said, he treats Max like his son. 

He got past the other mans baby part, because well...he just loves kids. The thought of a baby hanging around excited him. So, I don't think it had much to do with his desire to be with me...but more so because he did it for the baby. He cared about me enough to not want me to go through having a baby alone. I was fine either way. 

If you decide that this is what you want, than when someone says congratulations you smile and say thank you. Simple as that. Because you know what...congratulations. You are going to be a dad. DNA has nothing to do with being a dad. That kid isn't going to know the difference. He is just going to know that you love him. And when he is older and does know the truth, he is going to love you even more for stepping up the way you did. 

My dad isn't my dad and I didn't know the truth until I was 18. He met my mom when she was 4 months pregnant with me. He never looked back. I am his kid. (He really still calls me "Kid") But man, do I think he is one hell of a guy to CHOOSING to be my dad. 

The mother in law, she is happy. You just have to roll with it. As for your parents, do they understand how you and your wife's situation completely unfolded? Do they know why you two split up to begin with? If they know, they shouldn't harbor any resentment for her whatsoever. If they do, well...than hopefully when they see you happy being a daddy, they will come around. IF you decide to become a daddy. 

You can walk away and hopefully never make the same mistakes you made when you start over with someone else. Or you can grab the bull by the horns and be a family with your wife. 

But, IMO, you have nothing to forgive her for. She didn't do anything wrong. I can't stress that enough. You don't have to raise this baby with her...but you do have to WANT to if you want to stay with your wife.


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