# No sex on vacation



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Went on a beautiful blissful vacation with my husband of 23 years.
I was so upset that we didn't have sex even once during our vacation. I even hinted to my husband about it before the trip that there was a hot tub in the room. (Not used at all). To preface this. we did have sex on Valentines day but not since and not on our vacation that was workfree and stressfree.

Let me start by saying that my husband is an very early riser and gets tired really early. I know about a year ago I found that he was going to his computer downstairs early in the morning as he always does and was viewing porn and I am sure masturbating. We had discussed it then and told him how I felt and it could have stopped but he knows now how to delete history. I also know now that he masturbates alot in the morning but I really don't care about that. What I care about that is that I felt very insulted and upset and felt undesired that we didnt have sex even once on vacation. I know he is always tired at night but come on it's vacation.

Now I don't want to have sex with him just to feel like he has to appease me every once in awhile. I want to feel desired! 

He is a great husband and father other than this. We are empty nesters so we could have sex whenever we want if we wanted. I don't know if it just his laziness or no desire for me. I want to cry. Let me also say it's not like I am this crazed sex wife and want it every second but I do want to feel desired. I am 50 years old and my husband is 52 and we are both very youthful looking. I always try to look my best, but could afford to loose like ten pounds. I am at that age where it's hard to get off. 

Just don't want the years to pass before I will not be able to have sex and regret all this. 

Is it his laziness or lack of desire for me. Have had this discussion like a year ago. Don't expect sex all the time BUT come on. What husband doesnt want to do it on vacation. Sooo Upset. But When he finally does approach me with sex, I will say no because I just don't want him to have sex with me every once in a blue moon just to appease me and then go back to masturbating cause it's easier!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So he is masturbating every day and not having sex with you more than every month or so??

No way is that OK. No way. I guarantee he's still viewing porn.

Is this a dealbreaker for you? Because you need to draw a line in the sand and be willing to hand out consequences for this.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> So he is masturbating every day and not having sex with you more than every month
> No way is that OK. No way. I guarantee he's still viewing porn.
> 
> Is this a dealbreaker for you? Because you need to draw a line in the sand and be willing to hand out consequences for this.


No it's not a deal breaker. Love my husband of 23 years. Just would love to feel desired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If he's viewing porn and masturbating daily he has a problem with the porn.

You need to talk about it to him but you're in a sticky spot.

He could just write you off as "*****ing about porn".

Make sure he knows the porn itself isn't your problem but the fact that he's getting himself off daily while leaving you wanting is causing more than a little resentment and he'd better do something to fix the situation.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

tacoma said:


> If he's viewing porn and masturbating daily he has a problem with the porn.
> 
> You need to talk about it to him but you're in a sticky spot.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

It's really about not feeling desirable. I am 50 yrs old and don't wAnt to loose
My sexuality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you see the correlation between him taking care of himself and him not taking care of you?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just had a look at your posting history, and it seems that you come here every 6 months or so and post about the same problem.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Kidding me ?? Vacation sex is the best sex cause one should be relaxed and all that day to day things to do ones out the window IMHO !? If you can't have sex at least two or here times in a week long vacation then there's something wrong ????


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Do you see the correlation between him taking care of himself and him not taking care of you?


Yes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> It's really about not feeling desirable. I am 50 yrs old and don't wAnt to loose
> My sexuality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know gma, that's how it starts.

Now you feel unwanted/undesired, in another 6mos to a year you start feeling mad because you've felt unwanted so long.

Shortly after that you start forcing the resentment down until you even start to hate the way he brushes his teeth while you wonder if you've wasted your life.



Intimacy is important and you really need to confront him about this.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I know gma, that's how it starts.
> 
> Now you feel unwanted/undesired, in another 6mos to a year you start feeling mad because you've felt unwanted so long.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Yes!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So if this isn't worth ending your marriage over, what IS it worth to you?

He obviously is not going to stop just because you say please.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm so sorry for you that your husband is not pleasing you.
I'm just trying not to get upset.I keep seeing on TAM,this same problem with porn over and over.Don't any of these males
know porn is mostly done for money.Its only fantasy.
Your married to a willing,horny female and you choose images
and video on a computer screen.

To bad you couldn't toss the computer in the trash.With my wife
I get that true emotional bond while having sex with her.
It sounds like your husband is addicted to porn.
He needs to deal with this.

Oh and don't hint to your husband about this problem.Tell him straight out
that you need regular lovemaking from him.You sound like you suffer from
the nice girl syndrome.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

There's a reason a husband would prefer pornography over a willing wife. 

They might range from sexual compulsion, to relationship problems, to ED, to a loss of desire for your spouse.

Do you know his reason?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

yes he is addicted to porn. how sad. he won't believe it and won't admit it, but like any addiction, it's a problem when it affects other people. I wouldn't brush this under the rug to discuss every year. It's difficult to communicate about this, and he'll get angry and blame you or deny it, but even if you have no plans on leaving him, he should still know that the marriage is in trouble. And that's just how you feel - neglected, undesireable, etc because he's choosing porn over you.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

For one second you don't believe he just may be lazy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> For one second you don't believe he just may be lazy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And tired?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Well tonight was not s good night to discuss. With my son sho
Is on spring break. But I sort of freaked out at him at dinner when he suggested I share a fried
Appetizer with my son. I said sure why do you give a **** if I get fat. You don't care anyway. 
He just looked at me confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

It hasn't been years. It's always like 3 weeks sometimes. But the Klinger was that we 
Didn't have sex on vacation. Literally by the time I got in bed after washing up and brushing 
Teeth is was out for the count. You don't know my husband he falls asleep on the drop of a hat. He is up like 5 and 5:30 every morning even weekends.
He played golf on vacation , we drank all day and wad in sun all day that could make you exhausted. 
Not trying to make excuses but does it have to be as drastic as being addicted to porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Can't it be he just finds it easier to please himself. And got used to that? To have sex at not takes 
Alot of energy when your always tired?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

someone who masturbates everyday to porn instead of making love to his wife or worse avoids making love with wimpy excuses is just not that into you.

do you guys communicate each others likes and dislikes and do you do for him what he likes and dose he do for you what you like?


maybe he likes something you refuse to do for him and he is fixated on that particular act so he has used porn to satisfy his desire or need for it.


if I were you I would tell him you know he masturbate daily and that him preferring solo activity to making love to his wife just ain't cutting it. tell him you get the right to first refusal and same goes with you instead of rubbing one out you should be going to him first.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Just so you know when we do have sex it is good. I have
No problems doing for him and he has no problems doing for me.
I always enjoy when we have sex and I believe he does to. Just come on, no sex on a vacation, 
Four nights of alone time and he has no work stress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Do you ever initiate sex or do you wait for him to?

I have times been rejected and then get resentful. I tell myself that if she rejects me, then I am not putting myself out there. If she wants sex, then she can come to me.

So I lay in bed, hoping that she will reach out to me. 

Why didn't you wake him up on the holiday? Or approach him early in the morning?


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Do you ever initiate sex or do you wait for him to?
> 
> I have times been rejected and then get resentful. I tell myself that if she rejects me, then I am not putting myself out there. If she wants sex, then she can come to me.
> 
> ...


I rarely reject. And if I don't feel well will always say lets do it tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

gmabcd said:


> I rarely reject. And if I don't feel well will always say lets do it tomorrow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wasn't really asking if you reject. I was asking do you initiate!


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Were you awake with him in the morning or was he already up and at 'em (on vacation)? It seems there may be a problem with you two synching up. He's a morning person but are you up in the mornings? When you two do have sex is it usually at specific times of the day (i.e. before bedtime)?


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

He was up and I was sleeping in the morning. He could of woke me up.
I don't know why I didn't initiate, probably I want to feel desired
I don't initiate cause he always falls asleep and I just say well there goes that.
Sort of old school in imitating but he knows I into him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> He was up and I was sleeping in the morning. He could of woke me up.
> I don't know why I didn't initiate, probably I want to feel desired
> I don't initiate cause he always falls asleep and I just say well there goes that.
> Sort of old school in imitating but he knows I into him!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Plus I really want to know if he is into it and just not appeasing me.
If he were info it he would have done something night or early morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maybe he wants to be desired too. I think you should initiate some. Wake him up if he is a sleep. 

Does he reject you when you do initiate or have you never initiated?

I get rejected all the time but I still initiate. If I want to have sex I pretty much have to. I know it isn't the greatest but you make due with what you have. Hopefully he comes around. When I my does put in an effort, I truly appreciate it.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Could it be maybe he likes dirty rough sex and doesn't want to try it with you because he has too much respect for you? And is afraid he will shock you when you find out what really turns him on? I'm just wondering aloud. I know there are things I think is really hot, but I would never let my wife know, because I would be afraid how she would react. All I know if I had a choice between porn and boring married sex, I would choose boring married sex everytime, because there is love in that and not empty gratification. I hope everything works out for you.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

I just can't get past the fact we didn't have sex 
On vacation! Last time was feb 14. Probably a obligatory screw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marriagecounselor101 (Mar 9, 2013)

gmabcd- You must disect your problem to come up with a solution. Addiction - there is a psychological/physical component; the person is unable to control the aspects of the addiction without help because of the mental or physical conditions involved. VS.
Habit - it is done by choice. The person with the habit can choose to stop, and will subsequently stop successfully if they want to. The psychological/physical component is not an issue as it is with an addiction.
Your husband is unfortunately addicted to porn and you maybe able to help him re-cooperate, however is a person is suffering from some kind of addiction they must want to stop! Here is the plan......
STEP 1: Stop thinking that you are not able to express your feeling freely! You have been married for 23 years and you deserve to be listened to. Your husband is not a stranger he has been your life companion, and you can get through this.
STEP 2: Find a quite place for the two of you to talk. Make there is no interruptions during this time.
STEP 3: Lay on the table and speak your heart out!!! You will let your husband know first off you love him and add the highlights to your last 23 years of life together. Reminisce together on a heated sexual encounter you had early on in your relationship. 
STEP 4: Recognize your value. Let your husband know that you love him and that you want to be married because he is your soul mate, however you also deserve to be happy and desired. Make it clear that you have a lot of steam which you would like him to take care of. 
STEP 5: Tell him you want to be his fantasy housewife not the computer!!! Perhaps weaning him off the porno will take you ingratiating it into your sex life and slowly drifting away from it. 
STEP 6: 23 years doesn't mean you know this man in its entirety. Find out what he watches and why. What are his fantasies and see if you can play it in real life. 
STEP 7: Allow yourselves to reconnect as a couple. I know vacation is an ideal way to do that and obviously it didn't go as planned. However once you have chosen a nearby date to complete these steps. You must have sex that night collecting the information from your conversation. 
Let me know if this helped.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Wow you sound so wise. Are you really a marriage counselor?well obviously the perfect time to be romantic is on vacation and that never happened.
Just so you know before vacation I hinted to him that there is a hot tub in room. Hint hint. Never did the hog tub thing with him. Ya think that would of meant that I wanted some action 
On vacation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

I guess delusions of grandeur!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Do this every day

1. Get up in the morning with or before him
2. Iniatiate sex


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## Marriagecounselor101 (Mar 9, 2013)

Yes, I am a counselor. Gmabcd, I understand your frustration but try the steps and let me know how it goes. The steps are never the same for any case, however a simpler way to see the endless possibilities.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Marriagecounselor101 said:


> Yes, I am a counselor. Gmabcd, I understand your frustration but try the steps and let me know how it goes. The steps are never the same for any case, however a simpler way to see the endless possibilities.


I will try when the time is right. College son home for
Spring break, want to wait till he goes back Sunday. Also thought
I was going to wait until he brings up subject of sex. 

On another note I really don't believe he is addicted to porn. Think he sometimes 
Views it early in am but don't believe every day. He doesn't look at it
At any other time. Works hard all day and sign me every night. He is not some
Pervert. All men masturbate doesn't mean they have a addiction. But yes it bothers me.
If it were the week that I have my period I souls not care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, you never replied when I observed that you come on here every 6 months or so with the same issue. It seems to me that you are the lazy one - you want US to solve your problem, and you are not willing to do anything about it yourself.

Your husband likes porn and whacking off to it better than he likes you.

What are you going to do about it??


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Hope 1964 you are obnoxious!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

And you are wrong I did address this in past and up'd my gAme.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

Wait a minute! There's porn on the internet?


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Well marriage counselor finally got up the nerve to talk
To my husband. I said to myself that this is my husband I express myself with everything else 
In life and this should be no different. He is my life partner. 
I told him how disappointed I was that he didn't have sex with me once in vacation and 
How disappointed I was and his this made me feel undesirable and in attractive!
He knew something was wrong sigh me all these weeks he said. He said how much he loves me
And that he is lazy with this at times. He said it wasn't right if him and in the future he will make 
More if an effort to mAke me feel desired. He said he is very attracted to me always since the day he met me 23 yrs ago! He
Said I guess we take things for granted. He was upset with it all cause he never wanted 
For me to feel this way. I told him that my attraction for him and love for him has never stopped and 
That we should never take that fit granted. I know hd feels bad for hurl tying me on vacation. He thought I seemed tired too. 
I told him I am never tired when it comes to having sex with you especially on vacation.
I told h I had all these great expectations in my head for some real fun sexually and that I hinted
That to him before we left. He does feel bad and said it is not fight what he did and will make sure not 
To do this in future. Well the ending was nice as usual. When he is not lazy to have sex
He is oooh so good and a generous lover! It's a good morning today despite the rain! 
Life does have its ups n does and in cycles. But I still mourn the list vacation sex which probably been more uninhibited.
But today is a good day😜
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Words. Nothing but words. Lets see if he follows through with actions, or if you're back in another 6 months.

Plus the porn issue doesn't seem to have been addressed at all. Has your husband agreed to stop looking at porn and masturbating??


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Hope 1964 in all aspects of my husbands life there has never
Been empty words just his actions which have always showed me and my family
What type if man he is. Sex is a side thing. I don't care if he masturbates as long as he makes sure
Not to disappoint me in future. I don't think his intentions were ever to hurt me. He knows 
Where I stand. And if he does slip again I will always give him a pass and make sure to better
Communicate my desires for him. He is worth it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Hope 1964 in all aspects of my husbands life there has never
> Been empty words just his actions which have always showed me and my family
> What type if man he is. Sex is a side thing. I don't care if he masturbates as long as he makes sure
> Not to disappoint me in future. I don't think his intentions were ever to hurt me. He knows
> ...


Well It's been about one week since I communicated my issues to my husband and seems like I am back to square one. My other child is home for spring break so I know my husband will use that as an excuse this week for not having sex. And of course the usual excuse which I know to be true of being tired all the time. It's a very busy tine for him at work and he really is tired. But I thought after what I told him he would make an effort. Especially since it is the weekend. He is lazy when it comes to making me happy because it does take alot of enerygy but I don't get it. When we have sex he is sooo into it. We seems so sexually compabitable. Am I missing something??? Could it just be that he doesn't need sex every week.. I don't even want to have sex everyday. But once a week sounds not too much to ask for. But if I continue to nag him I feel we will have more problems. How could he do this when I poured my heart out to him. This morning I was in a bad mood (lack of sex could do this), and he was mad saying are you in a mood again. What's wrong like he was mad at me. The f...ing nerve! But don't want to argue now cause my child #2 is home for spring break. How many times do I do this?
Getting exhausted. I know as I got older my libido believe it or not has gotten stronger so maybe this is not fair to put on him. But It's not like i want it everyday from him. So exhausted!!

Maybe Hope1964 is right.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

One more question, is there a way to see if your husband is viewing porn
If he got smart to always delete the history? Is there a way 
Of finding out without knowing I touched his computer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

He just came to me and said you seem to be in a mood, what is it? I said no. My daughter is here so wasn't
Going to get into it wit him once again . Let him figure it out. Omg can he forget soo quickly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Do I have too bang him over the head?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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