# Condoms



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I had posted a thread some time ago, things are going very well with my wife. We've talked about our issues and things are going quite well...

But, before I met her, I dated a girl with ovarian issues, and so she couldn't have kids. It was the first time I ever had sex without a condom. It was fantastic.

I'm starting to lose sensitivity and I am having trouble enjoying sex with condoms. The memories with the previous girl are coming back and they are getting harder to forget. I love my wife and don't want to leave her. 

Now my wife refuses to take any form of birth control. Any form. Only condoms. But I respect her decision. I've talked to her about this but she doesn't realize how unsatisfied I am after we have sex. I honestly feel like I am distant from her, like she is not willing to take any sort of risk with me. 

It's getting to the point where I would honestly prefer not to have sex at all unless its bb. I know next year we'll have a house and start having kids then. So the waiting game is on.

My question is this. Do you guys have any tips for increasing pleasure when using condoms? I've tried all sorts of brands, varieties. The one's I enjoy the most so far are the trojan - naked sensations. 

Any advice helps. 

Thank you!


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

May I ask how old you are?

I am curious as to why you are losing sensitivity.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Unless your wife has medical issues to taking birth control, she should be on it. No condoms needed and you have your sensitivity back among other things.

Condoms are used if you don't trust your spouse or want to get pregnant or worried about getting a sexually transmitted disease.

If you were checked, she was checked, all clean, no medical issues for her, there are so many kinds of birth control out there, she should of found one that works for her. Or get her tubes tied. Or use a female condom. Or get a vasectomy.

That's selfish of her and quite odd......

My wife got on the birth control when we were engaged and we waited 6 months just to be sure. If the birth control gives her issues, try another one. There are so many to choose from.

There has to be a reason why she isn't on birth control that she isn't telling you.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Unless your wife has medical issues to taking birth control, she should be on it. No condoms needed and you have your sensitivity back among other things.
> 
> Condoms are used if you don't trust your spouse or want to get pregnant or worried about getting a sexually transmitted disease.
> 
> ...


CB, the OP said they will be ready to have children next year. In looking up the effectiveness of various methods, as well as risk factors/issues/side effects, the most effective were the IUDs and sterilization... However, IUDs have their own risks and some are more worried about the risks. ParaGuard, from what I saw, is the only IUD which uses no hormones. I may be wrong about that. If I am, then I hold nothing against anyone who corrects me. But the rest, aside from condoms and other barrier methods, use hormones. There are an increasing number of women who are unwilling to put these hormones into their bodies. No one can fault someone for not wanting to ingest artificial hormones.

CB, you mentioned female condom. Correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't the female condom do the exact same thing as a male condom...complete with the potential loss of sensation? Other than the above mentioned IUD, other hormone methods, and condoms, you mentioned sterilization. Ummm... not a valid choice if you are planning to have children, don't you think?

But what gets me is the dismissal of her (potentially) valid reasons for not wanting to use these other methods. You automatically assumed that just because your own wife was on birth control, then every woman needs to be on it "unless there is a medical reason"... how about the medical reason of not wanting to put those hormones into their bodies? And, of course, it must be that there's something she's not telling him as the reason she doesn't want to be on birth control, right? And she's selfish for not using artificial hormones? Really? Sure, she can use the female condom. But he's still going to have the sensation issues he has with the other condoms. 

But, yea, she MUST be hiding something. That is, of course, the reason....


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

To the OP... not sure if they would work well with condoms or not, since we never used lubes with condoms... but what about the tingling or warming KY? Do you like either of those? Could that help to possibly boost the sensation in the moment?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

OP I feel essentially the same as you. I don't feel trusted or connected if I'm made to use a condom. I'd rather go without sex at all. It's not the quality of the condom, none will work for me because its psychological. It just feels like sex with someone you're not close with. Not like wife sex at all. I don't blame you for resenting it.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If they are planning on having kids down the road, be on birth control for now, no condoms, no worries and he actually gets and even enjoys sex!!! and when they both decide they are ready for kids, go off the birth control and have at it.

Right now, she is killing their sex life together, 1x month?, and he almost is losing interest. She is supposed to take care of his needs instead of what she only wants.

If I told my wife I want to wear condoms and don't be on birth control, she would look at me and say, what's wrong with you? If / when we plan on having kids, then she goes off the birth control and we have sex often and she will get pregnant.

Many married friends of ours have done this exact same thing and got pregnant only a few months later.

Birth control pretty much eliminates the chance of getting pregnant. Birth control doesn't take away from the physical sexual experience, plus that connection and closeness is there.



"I'm starting to lose sensitivity and I am having trouble enjoying sex with condoms. The memories with the previous girl are coming back and they are getting harder to forget. I love my wife and don't want to leave her.

Now my wife refuses to take any form of birth control. Any form. Only condoms. But I respect her decision. I've talked to her about this but she doesn't realize how unsatisfied I am after we have sex. I honestly feel like I am distant from her, like she is not willing to take any sort of risk with me.

It's getting to the point where I would honestly prefer not to have sex at all unless its bb."


Sums it all up.



If she is like this now before the kids, imagine afterwards. More LD spouse posts here we come.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Condom vs. bare is like sex vs. making love.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

So, once again, sensation is to trump not wanting to alter someone's hormones. UFB.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Not a man but my husband uses trogan bareskin condoms, he says they're pretty good.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Condom vs. bare is like sex vs. making love.



Exactly. :iagree::iagree:


If birth control was dangerous, why do women take it?

Why are there so many forms of birth control on the market if its so horrible to women?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> OP I feel essentially the same as you. I don't feel trusted or connected if I'm made to use a condom. I'd rather go without sex at all. It's not the quality of the condom, none will work for me because its psychological. It just feels like sex with someone you're not close with. Not like wife sex at all. I don't blame you for resenting it.



Perfectly said. :smthumbup:


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

After coming off the pill (got pregnant anyway) there is no way i'm going back on it, didn't realize until I got off it how much of a impact it had on my sex drive (as well as taking double the time to orgasm).
I can totally understand why some women don't want to go on it.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When my wife first went on birth control, we waited 6 months to be sure but it didn't agree with her 100%. So, she went to her Dr and tried another type of birth control and now has no more issues.

A good friend of hers also had bad issues when on birth control, so she also switched to another type and no more issues. Her best gf and hubby wanted kids, so she went off the birth control, and got pregnant a few months later.

I personally don't know any married couples that use condoms. That connection, closeness, making love and not just sex, isn't there. Feels like she doesn't trust me or something and that's my wife I'm having intimacy with and not some date or one night stand.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> If she is like this now before the kids, imagine afterwards. More LD spouse posts here we come.


OMG! Can you actually READ something for once?? She doesn't want birth control, likely the conventional hormonal ones are the biggest issue for her. Newsflash: Not everyone wants to mess up their bodies by putting that garbage in them. Condoms, she likely feels, can be stopped immediately, and she can get pregnant relatively easily/immediately... USUALLY. If a woman doesn't want to take hormones, she shouldn't HAVE to just because a man doesn't like the sensation of a condom. Not to mention the increased risk of ectopic pregnancies with IUDs, including ParaGuard.... in addition to it's other risks:


Anemia
Backache
Bleeding between periods
Cramps
Inflammation of the vagina (vaginitis)
Pain during sex
Severe menstrual pain and heavy bleeding
Vaginal discharge

(from Mayo Clinic site)

But hey, that's all fine and dandy as long as he has all his sensation. 

Now, before anyone jumps up my @$$ for sticking up for what may, or may not, be the issues this woman has with birth control... I used progesterone only pills when I was breastfeeding my kids. I also used the regular pill from age 18 to about 22. You do realize that these hormones decrease sex drive more often than not, right? But hey, that's cool... as long as she puts out and he has all his sensation, right? Oh wait... she'll go on the pill and he'll be here complaining that she doesn't want sex anymore... not since she started her birth control. 

They are, as he said in another thread, newlyweds. She is a hard core Christian, I believe he said? That could be why she may be against the hormones... or even against using an IUD. And there is NOTHING wrong with using condoms to prevent pregnancy when you plan to have kids later on. TiggyBlue mentioned a specific kind which her husband uses. That is a viable option.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This isn't about birth control. Your wife doesn't want sex with you and has found a way to get out of it. Oh she will want your sperm for those babies but that's about it.

I know you aren't going to divorce her I just thought its better to face the truth than believe her excuses.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I personally don't know any married couples that use condoms. That connection, closeness, making love and not just sex, isn't there. Feels like she doesn't trust me or something and that's my wife I'm having intimacy with and not some date or one night stand.


We did. When we were not ready to have another baby, we used condoms when the birth control ran out, and after having the babies/before getting the pills. It has nothing to do with not trusting you. It has more to do with not trusting the hormones they put into those things. If I could go back, I think my husband and I would agree to NOT have me get on birth control. We would have used condoms, period. I trust him completely. Thank God he never viewed condom use = not trusting him.... Just...wow....


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You can try different brands, lubes and thing to make it feel better. But the reality is, the problem isn't the physical sensation. The problem is you're feeling a bag when you want to feel your wife. Bare sex is intimate. Covered is less so, and comes in a distant 2nd. It's a big disappointment and its a bummer when the only person you're supposed to have sex with doesn't care that she's part of a substandard experience.


----------



## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> OP I feel essentially the same as you. I don't feel trusted or connected if I'm made to use a condom. I'd rather go without sex at all. It's not the quality of the condom, none will work for me because its psychological. It just feels like sex with someone you're not close with. Not like wife sex at all. I don't blame you for resenting it.


:iagree:

One of the many sticking points regarding sex with my long term GF was this.

I believe that condoms do not have place in a long term relationship.

She refused to get any other form of BC and the excuses were laughable at best. At one point I suggested me getting a vasectomy. She didn't like that either :scratchhead:


----------



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I remember when my wife and I used condoms; while dating and for a period of time before she got on birth control. I had no problem with them. The only issue was with having to take the time out in between fooling around and penetration to put the condom on. The sex with it on, was fine with me, less messy too.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I've never used or researched them, but aren't natural sheepskin condoms thinner and less desensitizing? I know there are drawbacks. I guess you will have to look them up.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You can try different brands, lubes and thing to make it feel better. But the reality is, the problem isn't the physical sensation. The problem is you're feeling a bag when you want to feel your wife. Bare sex is intimate. Covered is less so, and comes in a distant 2nd. It's a big disappointment and its a bummer when the only person you're supposed to have sex with doesn't care that she's part of a substandard experience.


This resonates with me very well...Sigh, yeah. I feel like I've never had sex with my wife. I really do. 

I'm 24 years old, and yes she is a hardcore Christian. Tried different brands, no luck. The naked sensations from trojan are so far the best, but after going through a dozen I am starting to get bored fast. 

What about putting lube inside the condom first? Would that feel any different?

The problem is, I've had unprotected sex with women that I didn't know at all, yet with my wife, who I practically know inside out, is unwilling to take a risk with me. Never had any std's ever. Pretty sure she doesn't have any either. She is also against me doing oral on her, which makes me sad (I have an AMAZING tongue). 

She isn't going to take b-c, that's out of the question. We have a friend that took it and now she can't have kids. I agree, it messes up your system and plus.

My eyes are starting to wander. This is no good. Thought about seeing a sex therapist...


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

My first wife refused to take birth control. It was either a condom or, and I don't think it is made anymore, the sponge. I really didn't like either. What I liked was being with her. We tried different things. I remember her wanting me to get a vasectomy. I didn't want to. I think it was because of my age at the time, still in twenties. I "bit the bullet" and lived with it. Maybe I should have just left then?

I guess if it's important enough, you will see therapists or doctors or read books or whatever it takes to make things better. If you do all of that and things are not better and you can no longer tolerate it, separation and divorce are in order. Yeah, it sure is easy to say.


----------



## jilly2 (Jun 9, 2013)

Why can't married men use condoms. Because it doesn't feel the same as BB. I can't take hormonal bc. So I had the paragard put in. Let me tell you it tore my uterus and when into my intestines. There are dangers with taking hormones and women inserting things in there bodies so men can feel good. A man wearing condoms will not kill him or hurt his body. These answers from men sound so selfish. Now my husband and I cannot have any more kids.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> This resonates with me very well...Sigh, yeah. I feel like I've never had sex with my wife. I really do.
> 
> I'm 24 years old, and yes she is a hardcore Christian. Tried different brands, no luck. The naked sensations from trojan are so far the best, but after going through a dozen I am starting to get bored fast.
> 
> ...



Her LD and unwillingness to totally trust you and not even have oral sex, etc. could be due to her Christian faith. Yet I am a God fearing man "Christian" and have an adventurous HD. Go figure....


"She isn't going to take b-c, that's out of the question. We have a friend that took it and now she can't have kids. I agree, it messes up your system and plus."

So that one friend says that all birth control is bad for all women? No. I would say the minority of women, b-c might effect them in a negative way, try other b-c, still doesn't work and then the only alternative is lots of anal, oral, feet, you name it or always bringing condoms to have sex with your wife........I feel for you. That sucks....<no pun intended, heh heh>


Ask yourself this. If she is like this now about sex, wait until she has the kids and her hormones have changed and maybe there is little to no sex?


I'm not saying this is everyone, but for me, it would feel very weird and odd to have to wear condoms with my wife. Just doesn't feel right somehow.


My wifee went to her family Dr and had a long chat and sessions before going on b-c. The only side effects was bloating, so she tried another brand and that's gone. She had no other negative symptoms. She was LD before going on b-c and LD after and she was the one to take the initiative to get on b-c, and not of my doing.


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> It's getting to the point where I would honestly prefer not to have sex at all unless its bb. I know next year we'll have a house and start having kids then. So the waiting game is on.



Are you being "honest" or is this an attempt at blackmail...

Just asking...


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

And I am not trying to be a smart ass...

I feel for you too. My ex was exactly the same as your wife about birth control, and religion now that I think about it. I doubt the two go hand in hand...

Either way I understand exactly where you are.

SO, I tried the lambskins - they were good but pricey.

Trojans are good and I can squeeze into normal size but found the Magnums to be way more comfortable.

Lube inside the condom definitely helps.

Try to make the best of this if you intend on staying together. A wandering eye is only going to get you into trouble. And if you are whacking it too much you should try to hold back because that can be desensitizing. 

Feel bad for you about the oral too. My suggestion? Get her drunk and then push the envelope. Not so drunk that she is incapacitated - that would be wrong - just enough to loosen her up.

You should get the book "Sheet Music." A Christian perspective on good sex in a marriage. While we are at it I would also suggest "Sex, Men and God." Dr. Weiss. That book will up your sex life too.

One more - "Married Man Sex Life" by Athol Kay. The other two first though - Christian perspective will sway her...


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jim, would those two books (Christian perspective) help sway a man to the importance of sex in marriage, if HE is the one who is putting his wife off?

Sorry for the little TJ there Hippy.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> And I am not trying to be a smart ass...
> 
> I feel for you too. My ex was exactly the same as your wife about birth control, and religion now that I think about it. I doubt the two go hand in hand...
> 
> ...


Hey some books are a great idea!

And no it's not blackmail. It's just preference. Having sex with a condom simply leaves me unsatisfied after. 

I bought some warming lube I will try inside the rubber next time we go at it. Great idea!


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

- I dated a girl with ovarian issues, and so she couldn't have kids. "It was the first time I ever had sex without a condom. It was fantastic."


- "I'm starting to lose sensitivity and I am having trouble enjoying sex with condoms." The memories with the previous girl are coming back and they are getting harder to forget. I love my wife and don't want to leave her. 


- Now my wife refuses to take any form of birth control. Any form. Only condoms. But I respect her decision. I've talked to her about this "but she doesn't realize how unsatisfied I am after we have sex. I honestly feel like I am distant from her, like she is not willing to take any sort of risk with me."


- "It's getting to the point where I would honestly prefer not to have sex at all unless its bb." I know next year we'll have a house and start having kids then. So the waiting game is on.


- "This resonates with me very well...Sigh, yeah. I feel like I've never had sex with my wife. I really do."


- "The problem is, I've had unprotected sex with women that I didn't know at all, yet with my wife, who I practically know inside out, is unwilling to take a risk with me." Never had any std's ever. Pretty sure she doesn't have any either. "She is also against me doing oral on her", which makes me sad (I have an AMAZING tongue).


- "She isn't going to take b-c, that's out of the question." We have a friend that took it and now she can't have kids. I agree, it messes up your system and plus.


- "My eyes are starting to wander." This is no good. Thought about seeing a sex therapist...



If I were in your shoes, 24 years old, in my sexual prime (only goes downhill from here), no kids yet, only married and my wife was already like this, I would go to marriage counseling, see the Dr. and get therapy. Otherwise, move on because it won't get better after you get the house and have kids.

But I wish you the best though. Maybe you'll that one in a million. :smthumbup:


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I had posted a thread some time ago, things are going very well with my wife. We've talked about our issues and things are going quite well...
> 
> ...


Wow, my husband always deferred to me about hormonal BC. He would never presume to pressure me about what I choose to put in my body, particularly when there are side effects. I've been on and off BC pills for the duration of our 23 year relationship--some were ok, some were not so great. 

That being said . . . we both hate condoms. I used the Fertility Awareness Method to get pregnant, and then used it as birth control between kids (along with him withdrawing.) You have to take your basal body temperature daily and chart it, as well as log your vaginal secretions, so it is a commitment. It requires you to be super in tune to your body. It's not foolproof, but if you're good at it, it's darn close. I WOULD NOT recommend it if you absolutely do not want kids. It is currently the only birth control we are using (again, along with withdrawal which, yes, I know, is far from perfect by itself) because I can't be on the pill, but I really have no worries. 

Your wife might be willing to try fertility awareness since you plan on having children. (You can google it; or here is a good place to start http://www.tcoyf.com/) I really love it; I've been doing it on and off for 12 years. The only time I got lazy about it was after my obgyn told me that I was infertile. I abandoned paying attention to my cycle and my husband abandoned pulling out and we were pregnant with our little surprise within three months. 

I urge you not to pressure your wife to take hormones if she is not comfortable with that. It might be hard to accept, but many (all?) women really, really resent men trying to mess with their autonomy over their own bodies when it comes to sex. Could it be that she is just rejecting BC pills in order to reject sex with you? *Shrug* That's something you'll have to decide; but if you make assumptions and start to act on them you're going to end up with her resentment in the mix as well. This could well be an issue where you are just not going to get your way, and you have to decide if you can accept it without letting your resentment color your feelings and behavior towards your wife. 

You claim that you are losing sensitivity, but could this be psychological more than physical? Will she give you blow jobs? You have the "bare back" effect going for you there--should feel plenty sensitive. Same with hand jobs with lots of lube.


----------



## CreekWalker (May 31, 2013)

I'm a woman, and I HATED condoms. Hated them. I handled birth control ok, but my first pregnancy was because I used antibiotics while on it and didn't really know that it would ruin the birth control. (this was 18 years ago, doctors and education have changed a lot in that time). I actually found that my periods were lighter, less cramping, and a lot less breast pain on some pills. 

I really wanted to try an IUD in the day, but the doctor pushed for the pill (I would try Nova Ring now if I needed BC). After three kids, the vasectomy was the greatest gift my husband ever gave me. 

I wonder why your wife has never thought to get a diaphragm. This would eliminate condom usage and she could manage it herself. I sort of suspect...she either hasn't been for a gynecological check up yet in her life, or she has and it was uncomfortable and intimidating and she doesn't want to go back. This isn't unusual. 

My advice is to be honest, and tell her that you feel that condomless sex would be more intimate with her, that you want that togetherness. Then sit down and discuss your options regarding birth control. I support Sparky's idea to get a few glasses of wine in her and ask to taste her. She is likely worried about odor, bad taste, grooming issues and uncomfortable. Let her know you think she is beautiful "down there" and that you want to taste her, then tell her she tastes lovely and you want to give her pleasure. This is a psychological thing in her mind. Hopefully together you can overcome it. Just let her know that you love her, and that this is a form of intimacy you very much desire. Do NOT get pissed or visibly frustrated...she'll be even more sure that she's making the right choice to not give in.

(o: I was young and had had bad experiences with another young man (he just had no clue) before I met my more experienced husband. I grew to appreciate his knowledge, and that he knew a lot more about my body than maybe even I did. 

Here is a printable link you can share with her when you discuss BC options: http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/birth-control-methods.pdf


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> C However, IUDs have their own risks and some are more worried about the risks. ParaGuard, from what I saw, is the only IUD which uses no hormones. I may be wrong about that. If I am, then I hold nothing against anyone who corrects me. But the rest, aside from condoms and other barrier methods, use hormones. There are an increasing number of women who are unwilling to put these hormones into their bodies. No one can fault someone for not wanting to ingest artificial hormones.


In my fertile years I had a Copper T IUD fitted - no hormones involved. My periods were quite a bit heavier but, other than that, I had absolutely no problems with it.

A diaphragm is another option, OP. Your W would have to use a spermicidal with it, but I found it very easy and convenient to use.


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I personally don't know any married couples that use condoms. That connection, closeness, making love and not just sex, isn't there. Feels like she doesn't trust me or something and that's my wife I'm having intimacy with and not some date or one night stand.


Well, we are a married couple that used condoms. My wife has never used hormonal birth control. This was a mutual decision. Neither one of us wanted her to risk the side effects if we could find another way. So we used condoms sometimes and the diaphragm other times. We would use nothing when we were sure she ws not fertile. Fortunately she was very regular. I never felt that using a ondom was less intimate or that she did not trust me.

When we used condoms we would use them as a part of forplay. She would get me close and would slowly put it on me. Sure it was better "bareback" but her health was more important (I know many will disagree but that was our decision). Since we also used the diaphragm, it was not condoms all of the time. 

Smeone asked if the female condom was the same. We have used them when she is on her period. They are not the same. I could hardly tell it was there. 

I had a vasectomy 25 years ago so it is no longer an issue.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

I bought some trojan warming lube. I tried something similar a long time ago and really enjoyed it actually.

I'm okay with putting that on before I put the condom every time we have sex. Not the same, but w/e. 

The lambskin condoms have really good reviews so I would try those next.

Again, there is no ifs ands or butts. Wife made it clear she is not using any form of birth control except condoms under any circumstances.

I tried talking to her about this in a calm collected way. I told her sex is a need. And she said; "Sleep is my need". 

Pardon my language but this ****ing sucks. I honestly think the only way she would realize how much of an impact this is having on me is to have some sort of intervention with a marriage/sex therapist, or straight up cheat on her and get caught on purpose. Definitely not going to do the latter, but you get my point. She is quite stubborn. 

I know I said she's a Christian, but that's not the problem. The problem is she grew up with a mom who conducted "her own business" at home. She even told me stories how she wasn't allowed to be in the house between 6-9pm. She had a really traumatic childhood. That's why it's so hard to talk to her and that is why she is so set on her views. Of course, I didn't learn about the truth of her mother until after we were married....


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Doesn't sound like she's that into you in the first place. Why did she agree to marry in the first place?


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> I tried talking to her about this in a calm collected way. I told her sex is a need. And she said; "Sleep is my need".


So there you have it. She doesn't really want to have sex with you, she likely does so out of sense of obligation. Your pestering her about condoms probably isn't helping, but birth control is not the root cause.

As already stated, this will likely get worse with time, and much worse after having a child. The condom sex you are so dissatisfied with today will look like the good old days somewhere down the road.

If your wife has some sort of trauma that inhibits her desire, therapy is needed. This assumes that she is open to the idea If not, it is a total waste of time. Pressuring someone to seek help for a problem she does not recognize as a problem will never work.

For the record, I've always discouraged my wife from using birth control pills, even when we were dating. We've always used a combination of oral, condoms and withdrawal. She most recently asked her doctor about one of the new IUD's and was excited. I asked her to check up on the potential side effects. Thankfully, she reconsidered. I will likely get a vasectomy in the next few years, but we could continue on this way indefinitely. I feel no great disconnect during sex when using condoms. It doesn't feel as good, but it still feels fantastic. Unless you are using a bicycle inner tube, the issue is between your ears. 

Sounds to me like you feel somehow rejected by the fact that she won't "take a risk" with you. That's your own issue to work on.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> I bought some trojan warming lube. I tried something similar a long time ago and really enjoyed it actually.
> 
> I'm okay with putting that on before I put the condom every time we have sex. Not the same, but w/e.
> 
> ...



How much are condoms now a days? If you have sex 3 - 4x each week, 3 - 4 condoms each week x4 weeks x 12 months + lube, etc. cost? Not expensive right?

Your wife doesn't have a medical condition and isn't even open to b-c. It's her way or the highway. If she had a medical condition to b-c, I could understand that.

You need sex and tell her this in a calm way and she needs more sleep?! Is that a joke?

My advice is you both go to marriage counseling and therapy or get a divorce because from what you've posted, she doesn't compromise, again, it's her way or the highway and she is LD and that won't change when you have kids. In fact, she will want no sex because of the stress of raising them.

I'm sorry she had a traumatic childhood but that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Your marriage together is a new chapter in her life and not her personal past.

I don't buy someone's faith either as an excuse to being LD and uncompromising. She is like that due to her past. She should of dealt with those issues before getting married to you, buying a house and then wanting kids, way before.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> You need sex and tell her this in a calm way and she needs more sleep?! Is that a joke?


Not joking. I made it pretty clear too. She just doesn't get it. 

It just sucks because all sex problems aside, she is a wonderful, caring, sweet girl. We take turns cleaning, similar tastes in food, movies, games, etc...We click everywhere else. We laugh together, oh boy do we laugh!! To divorce, split everything, move out, restart fresh with a new girl...it's not that I am lazy but a part of me feels like i'd be putting a lot of people down, (my parents, friends, her dad)... just because I am a horny mother trucker. 

This sex thing...it's been killing me since we first started dating. I thought that when we got married, she, being a Christian, would open up. But that hasn't happened yet.

They say that if you are already thinking of cheating on your wife, then you already have. Well, it's been like that since we married. I love her, but I am fantasizing about other women nearly every day. 

It was so bad...On our honeymoon, I was so excited to have sex with her. But she couldn't handle the pressure. We did not have sex on our honeymoon. She ended up crying the whole time. 

Things got better over time, but still to this day not to what I hoped for....She is working out daily, and boy she is definitely getting sexier every day....

But sigh 

Marriage Counseling seems like the best idea.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sparkyjim said:


> Are you being "honest" or is this an attempt at blackmail...
> 
> Just asking...


I know for me personally, if I had to use condoms every single time there was penetration for the rest of my life, I'd rather just masturbate and then have someone to date so I could make out once in awhile.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Condoms, she likely feels, can be stopped immediately, and she can get pregnant relatively easily/immediately... USUALLY. If a woman doesn't want to take hormones, she shouldn't HAVE to just because a man doesn't like the sensation of a condom.
> 
> They are, as he said in another thread, newlyweds. She is a hard core Christian, I believe he said? That could be why she may be against the hormones... or even against using an IUD. And there is NOTHING wrong with using condoms to prevent pregnancy when you plan to have kids later on. TiggyBlue mentioned a specific kind which her husband uses. That is a viable option.


I think what the OP was saying is not just it doesn't feel as good as no condom. He is losing sensation over time, and eventually he will not be able to maintain an erection while using a condom (yeah it happens).

So what then?

My sense is that the lady has so many more options. If the OPs wife wanted to make an effort, she could go NFP and he could have safe, unprotected sex at least some of the time. It seems likely she is not that into sex and that's why she doesn't make any effort to be responsible for bc.

Or, she's making a play to get pregnant, hoping he'll be so ready to have good sex that he'll risk a pregnancy he really does not want at this time.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

jilly2 said:


> Why can't married men use condoms. Because it doesn't feel the same as BB. I can't take hormonal bc. So I had the paragard put in. Let me tell you it tore my uterus and when into my intestines. There are dangers with taking hormones and women inserting things in there bodies so men can feel good. A man wearing condoms will not kill him or hurt his body. These answers from men sound so selfish. Now my husband and I cannot have any more kids.


I'll ask the question (to no one in particular) again: what about Natural Family Planning? It's rumored to be very effective as long as you don't have unprotected sex during the fertile period.

Personally, I think that it's an individual prerogative to use or not use birth control. But when it gets to "I won't chart either" or "I won't do oral" or something else where BC isn't an issue, it's more of an attitude towards sex in general or towards her partner in particular.

Also, the rationale that the OP's wife is a devout Christian holds no water. Christianity overall does not forbid birth control. If she is, say, Catholic, the condoms are just as sinful as pills, an IUD, or sterilization. NFP would be the only approved way to go.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

jilly2 said:


> Why can't married men use condoms. Because it doesn't feel the same as BB. I can't take hormonal bc. So I had the paragard put in. Let me tell you it tore my uterus and when into my intestines. There are dangers with taking hormones and women inserting things in there bodies so men can feel good. A man wearing condoms will not kill him or hurt his body. These answers from men sound so selfish. Now my husband and I cannot have any more kids.


You know, I don't doubt these things happen sometimes (unfortunately). However, everything has risks. I don't have the stats on hand, but I remember hearing somewhere that the risks to a woman's health from pregnancy and delivery are as statistically significant as hormonal bc, if not more so.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> Again, there is no ifs ands or butts. Wife made it clear she is not using any form of birth control except condoms under any circumstances.
> 
> I tried talking to her about this in a calm collected way. I told her sex is a need. And she said; "Sleep is my need".


And the truth comes out... She's not willing to be responsible for BC at all.

After all the talk of hormones, religion, and what-not, it's a simple case of "sex is for you, so BC is your problem".

Dude, this is not just a sex issue. She does not respect your needs enough to be your partner in this. She's stubborn, and it's her way or the highway.

You need to run, and run now. This is the epitome of a superior attitude, and I will give odds that the attitude will come up with other crucial issues during your marriage (how to spend money, where to live, how to raise kids).


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

Alright so as far as solutions go looks like marriage counselling, a one on one talk and maybe try those lambskins.

There have been 3 times where I couldn't hold an erection. It was very embarrassing. I have no health issues, non-smoker. It's purely psychological. She just doesn't understand what sexual attitude is about. We could be right in the middle of it and she'll start talking or make a joke. I've told her this before and things have gotten better. 

It's like I wish she would have sex for herself and not just to cater to me. Sounds weird but that's like the best I can put it. 

How can I tell her that my sexual needs supersede hers? (which, I already cater to) 

I don't mean to sound like a **** if I am. Just like someone said, right now problems are somewhat minimal, but in the future, well it looks a little dark.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I'm sorry she had a traumatic childhood but that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Your marriage together is a new chapter in her life and not her personal past.


Contrary to what you seem to believe, it often DOES carry over into adulthood, and even into marriage, unless it is addressed. However, I am not even the least bit surprised that you dismiss this as even a small possible explanation for her sexual hangups. I mean, why would that have anything to do with it, right? Since it was so long ago?

Hippy, I do think your best hope is MC. I think she needs to get to the root of the problem.... and I also think her mother "conducting her business" at home, 3 hours every night, may be a big part of that. Now, you didn't state outright what this business is, but I'm sure you know where my mind went... if I am wrong, then I apologize. But if my thought is right about her business...that is VERY likely to be the reason for your wife's problems. I hope she agrees to counseling. She needs to deal with these issues... AND you also need to deal with your feelings of rejection because she is unwilling to have sex without a condom.

Anyway, you both have things to work through. I hope you can figure them out.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Here is a link for NFP as an alternative to using more traditional birth control. My wife and I would have likely ended up using this method except she actually need the BC to regulate her system. Otherwise, she'd have a number of issues without the pill. I'm not advocating this per se, but it's an alternative that may be acceptable to your wife.

About NFP - The Couple to Couple League


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

Thanks folks


----------



## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Hormonal birth control killed my libido. I tried many different kind from pills to nuvaring and mirena. 

But I actually hate sex with a condom. My husband hates it too. I use Paragard now and love it because it's not hormonal. 

I can't actually recommend a particular condom that's good (because we hate them), but I was just responding to the idea that it's selfish for a woman not to take birth control pills. Be careful what you ask for....


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

My wife had terrible flows and no regularity, it took a few different tries to get one that worked for her though. One kind kept causing yeast infections, another made her an emotional yo-yo, 3rd one was alright and was a fairly small dose of hormones, but she forgot one and bam, pregnant.
I have to agree with the op regarding intimacy. My first was a drunken toss at a party with a condom, and between that and the lack of emotional connection it was pretty lousy. With the later no longer a problem with my wife, it's still so-so with the lack of feelings and intimacy.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

You folks really think it's so selfish of her not take or consider birth-control? 

I am surprised. I thought I was the selfish one for asking. 

Again there are no ifs and buts. If I suggest b-c or divorce, she will most likely go divorce or suggest I see a therapist to try and calm my urges or if I get lucky, c), she'll say well no but we can start having kids now. But I don't want kids. I would honestly rather get a vasectomy, but I don't know how that would impact my sensitivity...

She says she trusts me, but it frustrates me that in our midst of passion she never lets her guards down. She never wants says screw it this feels too good. There is no spontaneous. Everything is planned. 

We're never really intimate. What's the point of a vasectomy if it doesn't change how intimate we are.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I don't think either of you are selfish. I learned to chart my ovulation so no condoms are used on my 'safe days', may be a option.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

TiggyBlue said:


> I don't think either of you are selfish. I learned to chart my ovulation so no condoms are used on my 'safe days', may be a option.


That's an idea. I will talk to her about that. That's excellent in fact. Thanks! 

I am no longer in denial. I am actually sexually frustrated and something needs to change before it's too late.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

I'm at a real loss here folks.

Last night I came home, asked for sex nicely...She knew I wanted to because she denied me the previous night, but I was okay with that as I was tired too.

Anyways, she unenthusiastically said okay. I asked her if she wanted a massage, she said no it's okay. Half way through, I could just see it in her eyes..."hurry up get it over with I want to go to bed". I asked her about why she felt like that and she said because I didn't do any foreplay. Well I asked you for a massage!! Sigh...And just so you folks know, I like to please before I receive. I would make her orgasm every single time if she let me, I love it! 

Needless to say, the warming lube didn't change anything. It was hard enough to keep it up, no pun intended. 

What makes this so hard is that she is quite often in such a happy mood. She's working out a lot these days and her body is looking amazing. I can tell that she is starting to get annoyed when I talk about bc. Today is my birthday, parents are coming over after work to celebrate. It's like everyone is so proud of our marriage...and I feel trapped. I know my parents would be supportive of whatever I do, but it's like I feel bad for my wife and don't want to see her alone. Clean break-up or not, a divorce is going to hurt her badly. 

When I first got married, I thought all women were LD. How wrong was I.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hippy... you need to have a talk with her. I mean a REAL talk. You said she gets defensive (might've used other words...can't remember). You need to get that stopped. She needs to know EXACTLY what this whole ordeal is doing to your marriage. No, I am NOT saying to get her on BC. Frankly, if she's LD as it is, BC would likely make it worse anyway...definitely NOT what you want. But, you do need to get it all out there. Don't tell her "put out at the frequency I want or we're divorcing", but you need to tell her that your attempts at foreplay have been thwarted by her... you want an enthusiastic partner, not a limp noodle. Honestly, I'd even tell her that her attitude is turning you off to sex with her... and that is NOT a good thing in a HEALTHY marriage. And also, tell her that you believe MC is in order. You need to work through the issues. And, if she is not willing to do so, maybe separation/divorce would be best. I wouldn't do it today, with company coming over. That would cast an even darker cloud on your birthday. But definitely do it in the next day or so.

I still believe there's something buried inside her...and you need to get it out of there.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Contrary to what you seem to believe, it often DOES carry over into adulthood, and even into marriage, unless it is addressed. However, I am not even the least bit surprised that you dismiss this as even a small possible explanation for her sexual hangups. I mean, why would that have anything to do with it, right? Since it was so long ago?


You're missing the point. He is not saying that it would not spill into the marriage, only that such a circumstance is inappropriate. IOW, the OP's wife needs to overcome her inhibitions and bring a healthy, sexual self to the marriage.

Maybe it would be better if it was written that her past issues shall not impact her current marriage?


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Honestly, I'd even tell her that her attitude is turning you off to sex with her... and that is NOT a good thing in a HEALTHY marriage. And also, tell her that you believe MC is in order. You need to work through the issues. And, if she is not willing to do so, maybe separation/divorce would be best. I wouldn't do it today, with company coming over. That would cast an even darker cloud on your birthday. But definitely do it in the next day or so.
> 
> I still believe there's something buried inside her...and you need to get it out of there.


I would not tell her that her attitude is turning him off to sex:
1) She probably knows that's exactly what's happening, and
2) That's probably her desired outcome.

I also am unsure about your advice to not tell her that poor sex will lead to divorce. If you mean he should not be that blunt about it, I agree; it will put her on the defensive and make her dig in her heels. But, if you mean he needs to avoid sending that message at all, I disagree.

His approach should be:

1) A typical marriage has "X" range of expectations about sex.
2) His needs are also at "X" and are in line with the typical expectation and not perverse or excessive.
3) He is willing to support her as she works towards resolving any issues she has regarding sex in general or him in particular, but continuing to be disregarded by her will not happen.

The OPs wife is not a LD spouse negotiating in good faith to overcome a marital issue. Her attitude is "I don't like sex, so I won't facilitate the process, and piss off if you don't like it". That's a strong statement of where she sees him in her list of priorities, and he needs to come back equally strongly.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> but it's like I feel bad for my wife and don't want to see her alone. Clean break-up or not, a divorce is going to hurt her badly.
> 
> When I first got married, I thought all women were LD. How wrong was I.


Caretaking - bad form always, but especially when you have this issue. As I said a little ways above, she is putting zero effort into resolving this issue, while knowing how much this impacts the marriage and your happiness. Why are you so worried about her happiness and well=being in return?

I think reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" would do you some good. Your wife does not appreciate what she gets so easily (your support and partnership), if you are starting to seethe and/or pull away you are harming the relationship, and the situation will not improve unless you can learn to prioritize yourself (as your wife clearly already has done).


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> You folks really think it's so selfish of her not take or consider birth-control?
> 
> I am surprised. I thought I was the selfish one for asking.
> 
> ...


Absolutely no vasectomy. You know your relationship with your wife is strained and may not last, and that may be impacting how you feel about having kids. You might do a complete 180 on this if you meet someone who really meets your need.

Absolutely no kids. It will make whatever issues you have worse.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'll bet $100 that if get a vasectomy she'll have some other excuse to not have sex.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

DTO said:


> I would not tell her that her attitude is turning him off to sex:
> 1) She probably knows that's exactly what's happening, and
> 2) That's probably her desired outcome.
> 
> ...


I agree with much of what you wrote, but the bolded part is irrelevant. What matters is what the OP wants/needs, not what other people do. Terms like "perverse" or "excessive" are highly dependent upon what reference group you choose. A strict Catholic or Muslim perspective would make a simple BJ "perverse".

What if what he needs is "excessive" in the eyes of others? Should he accept less because of some external benchmark? I think the OP will have a hard decision to make. Accept an unsatisfying sex life with his wife or discard the marriage in search of more fulfilling relationship. I doubt very highly his wife will be willing to change.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

A lot of the advice is here is sound, but frankly it is also out of context. You don't know her. Words can only say so much. The assumptions made only reflect your own experiences.

Now then. She enjoys sex when she's in the mood. It just so happens that I am always in the mood where she is not. Simply that.

So! - I was talking to a friend today and he came up with something genius. He called it mind f*cking her. Most of those books ppl here recommend probably talk about ways to do this, but with different words. 

For a brief period of time, like a month or two, put aside my needs, completely. Forget about me. Instead, during this time, "wow" her at every single turn possible. Essentially prove to her she can trust me completely and while doing this expect nothing in return. Examples I could give would be out of context and irrelevant, because they only pertain to her and her personality, however essentially what I can say is that they would be strictly emotional, not so much physical. Support, attention, interest, love. Instead of expecting her to open up a cage of problems of her past, keep it closed. Leave it where it belongs. Open a new door, set a new intent. It's quite simple really. A part of her has trust issues, notable with her mother. I have to make it brutally obvious that she can trust me and I am not like her mother in any way shape or form. The idea is to think of her like an empty bottle. Fill her with love until she is overflowing with it. Create an irresistible attraction in her for me that will begin to overflow. 

The battle for love has just started. To give up now is to resign without a fight. Divorce and lawyers are expensive in terms of money and energy..but time, time is priceless and I can't waste what I've already put into this marriage and throw in the towel so foolishly.

I have the energy to do this. Don't worry about that. Take a break folks, my resolution needs experimentation and I will keep you posted with progress. 
Thanks folks, help someone else for now.


----------



## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

thatcleanhippyguy, I understand you are desperate to win your wife back, but from my experience your plan isn't going to work. You are already giving her love and attention and all that sh*t and it ain't working. What makes you think that throwing more of that stuff at her is going to make her change?

Also, playing mindgames is not the way to fix a relationship. It might have some short-term results, but it is unhealthy and will cause resentment in the long run.

The books like MMSL might seem at first glance like mindgames but in reality they are about how to improve yourself.


----------



## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Unless your wife has medical issues to taking birth control, she should be on it. No condoms needed and you have your sensitivity back among other things.
> 
> Condoms are used if you don't trust your spouse or want to get pregnant or worried about getting a sexually transmitted disease.
> 
> ...


 the worst I ever had was wonderful. check your pulse emmediatly.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Rewarding her bad behavior will only enforce it. We teach people how to treat us. You're about to teach her that only her wants matter.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

Sigh you are guys right. It's clear to me now. We talked about it the other day and now she knows I know about her trust issues, which she does accept having. This lack of trust was apparent when we dated a long time ago...but I thought it would go away. 

She is unwilling to see a therapist. I presented everything as genuine and loving as I could but in the end she threw me the "it's not me it's you". It doesn't help that our parents strongly support our union; there is a lot of pressure for us to stay together. Our "belief systems" also don't help. Lol. 

It just sucks that everything else in our relationship kicks ass. I almost wish I could lower my sex drive instead of expecting to raise hers. But that's just silly.

It's becoming increasingly difficult to control myself. No, I wouldn't risk bringing a girl home or meeting a girl at a coffee shop and lying about being married. No, I am more clever then that. My lack of fear, guilt and empathy creates a strong will to do resume doing something some deem sinister. 

We are going to have to book an apt. with an MC. Best to end it before I do something really stupid, and then she can't trust me without a rubber for sure. Hate to break it to you folks but I can't be in denial anymore. I have had a wandering eye from the very beginning.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> My eyes are starting to wander. This is no good. Thought about seeing a sex therapist...





thatcleanhippyguy said:


> Sigh you are guys right. It's clear to me now. We talked about it the other day and now she knows I know about her trust issues, which she does accept having. This lack of trust was apparent when we dated a long time ago...but I thought it would go away.
> 
> She is unwilling to see a therapist. I presented everything as genuine and loving as I could but in the end she threw me the "it's not me it's you". It doesn't help that our parents strongly support our union; there is a lot of pressure for us to stay together. Our "belief systems" also don't help. Lol.
> 
> ...


So, are you saying you were stringing posters on, all along? You started off saying you have STARTED to have a wandering eye..and now reveal that it's been that way from the beginning. So, if you have been wanting to be with other women from the start, why did you marry her in the first place? Sorry, especially after this little revelation, I cannot give you sympathy. You have been wanting others from the start. NO ONE deserves that sort of treatment, whether known or unknown. And, that includes spouses who seem to not care about the spouse's feelings. It's one thing to say "bait and switch" or she changed/he changed... but you have now admitted to wanting to cheat on her from the start!



> My lack of fear, guilt and empathy creates a strong will to do resume doing something some deem sinister.


Would you care to elaborate on this? At first glance, I take this to mean you have already stepped out on her. I sincerely hope that isn't the case. If so... then she absolutely has no reason to trust you. I sure as hell wouldn't! But I have to say... it's about time you started being truthful. I think you ought to be truthful with your wife, though.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> So, are you saying you were stringing posters on, all along? You started off saying you have STARTED to have a wandering eye..and now reveal that it's been that way from the beginning. So, if you have been wanting to be with other women from the start, why did you marry her in the first place? Sorry, especially after this little revelation, I cannot give you sympathy. You have been wanting others from the start. NO ONE deserves that sort of treatment, whether known or unknown. And, that includes spouses who seem to not care about the spouse's feelings. It's one thing to say "bait and switch" or she changed/he changed... but you have now admitted to wanting to cheat on her from the start!
> 
> 
> Would you care to elaborate on this? At first glance, I take this to mean you have already stepped out on her. I sincerely hope that isn't the case. If so... then she absolutely has no reason to trust you. I sure as hell wouldn't! But I have to say... it's about time you started being truthful. I think you ought to be truthful with your wife, though.


No, I was never stringing posters on all along but as time goes by I just can't live in denial anymore. When I say wandering eye, it just means that I am interested in having sex with other girls. Not getting to know them, or loving them, just straight up sex with them. Having my cake and eating it too. For the record, I have always been like this, with every girlfriend I have ever had. I just get bored with em, nothing I can do it seems. I thought marriage would change something seeing I actually care for this girl, but it didn't, unfortunately. 

There is no reason for her not to trust me. She's quite the investigator. If she had any motif I'd be dead or divorced already. That's why I am taking initiative here. She is genuine and she has the right to a man who is also as genuine. She is well aware that I am starting to slip. It's hard when she is everything you ever wanted except in the bedroom. You know, I saw another article on this forum and it was something like, is your wife the best you ever had? Well to be blunt, she is the worst I've ever had, hands down. I put sex aside when I married her, thinking it might change. That was my mistake and I am owning up to it now. 

I don't care for sympathy regardless. I care for brutal truth from men with experience.


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

Bump...Not trying to be pushy or impatient but can someone please respond to me?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So I still don't get why you're still with her. I also think she might come around if she thought she was losing you.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So I still don't get why you're still with her. I also think she might come around if she thought she was losing you.


Could you please explains why it even matters if she DOES "come around" when he has wanted more than JUST her from the very beginning?


Sorry, hippy, I have nothing to help you. You have already said that you have wanted to be with more than just your wife from the beginning. You have wanted to be a cake eater from the start. With that mentality, I have no way to help you get your wife to want unprotected sex with you. Personally, I think you need to get YOURSELF into independent counseling to sort YOURSELF out first... you know, to curb those urges to cheat on your wife. Until then, I have nothing....well, no advice for you. But I definitely would advise your wife to NOT back down on her resolve to use condoms at this point... not until you get help.


----------



## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

I have just read this thread from start to finish and all I can say is do you and your wife a really big favor and get all you papers straight and fille for divorce, I read about how you wanted to fill her with love until she overflowed, I read of how she shrugged off you advances to initiate fore play and went straight to laying back and taking it for the good old US of A.

Firstly, get over the wandering eye, I don't know of a single guy who never looks at a woman and sees attractiveness unless they are gay??? It is only a problem when you go from seeing to actively encouraging yourself to touch!!!!

I am sorry to say that actually being in love and experiencing the sexual desires and needs of a happy and fulfilled marriage are just not in her remit, you can do all the talking you want about it and mentioning changes but unless she actually WANTS to comit to your marriage on all levels then it is over it just depends on whether or not she actually wants to get over her past????

My guess is that she is not interested in releasing her inner self for fear of being hurt, now in all honesty if she has not started talking to you about it now then she never will, she knows there is about to be some enormously hard choices to make soon with regard saving her marriage but she has had plenty of chances to lay beside you in bed and talk about her past and her problems, if it is emotional hang ups that have put her off sex then it is possible that they can be resolved but she has to be willing to do that and she is not.

She has shown her hand in respects by not communicating with you about these issues when you have tried to talk in the past, you should face upto the reality that you have little other choice than to seriously talk about separating and divorcing.

Sorry but this is just my opinion.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think his wandering eye is a direct result of her actions. He hasn't cheated but she's not making it easy to stay that way.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think his wandering eye is a direct result of her actions. He hasn't cheated but she's not making it easy to stay that way.


He also said that his "wandering eye" has been there from the beginning... that he has WANTED to be with other women from the start, but thought that would go away after he married. So, this is her fault... how? :scratchhead:

Not buying that this is all on her. If he wants to fix his marriage, HE also has a lot of work to do, not just her....AND, he has had this with EVERY other woman he has been with! Yea, but it absolutely MUST be his wife that is the problem, right? GMAB



thatcleanhippyguy said:


> No, I was never stringing posters on all along but as time goes by I just can't live in denial anymore. When I say wandering eye, it just means that *I am interested in having sex with other girls.* Not getting to know them, or loving them, just straight up sex with them. Having my cake and eating it too. *For the record, I have always been like this, with every girlfriend I have ever had. I just get bored with em, nothing I can do it seems. I thought marriage would change something seeing I actually care for this girl, but it didn't, unfortunately. *
> 
> There is no reason for her not to trust me. She's quite the investigator. If she had any motif I'd be dead or divorced already. That's why I am taking initiative here. She is genuine and she has the right to a man who is also as genuine. She is well aware that I am starting to slip. It's hard when she is everything you ever wanted except in the bedroom. You know, I saw another article on this forum and it was something like, is your wife the best you ever had? Well to be blunt, she is the worst I've ever had, hands down. I put sex aside when I married her, thinking it might change. That was my mistake and I am owning up to it now.
> 
> I don't care for sympathy regardless. I care for brutal truth from men with experience.


Yea, it's DEFINTELY the wife who is the problem. No doubt about it. UFB


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

I never said it was all her fault. In reality it is all my fault. My perception has shifted since I originally started this topic.

I shouldn't have expected more from just a certificate. I had this unrealistic expectation that after marriage she would be more interested in sex, being Christian and all (trust issues). Well, that was my mistake and everything else is simply tied to that one mistake. 

She is definitely willing to work through this. It's almost like having kids or getting a vasectomy would save us. Lol.

It's tough, because there is a lot of selfishness on both of our parts. I don't want to go back on the dating scene. I don't want to start all over with a new girl. I don't want to go through all the work to split everything, embarrass my parents. Neither does she. Time is too precious and we both agree. 

I don't think you guys realize how much I love unprotected sex. She could lay there and do jack squat for all I care...but with a condom, no way. When we use condoms we both have to be in the mood. But unprotected sex, well different story. That bare feeling is all I need.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> She is definitely willing to work through this.


Really? Then you must be giving us the wrong impression because I'm not getting that vibe at all. I'm getting the feeling that the condom thing is an excuse and that even if you had a V or she was already pregnant she still wouldn't be into it.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> I never said it was all her fault. In reality it is all my fault. My perception has shifted since I originally started this topic.
> 
> I shouldn't have expected more from just a certificate. I had this unrealistic expectation that after marriage she would be more interested in sex, being Christian and all (trust issues). Well, that was my mistake and everything else is simply tied to that one mistake.
> 
> ...


My comment wasn't to you, hippy. It was actually in response to WOM. I quoted your post, pointing out YOUR words to WOM, which he seemed to have disregarded in his apparent attempt to put it on your wife, for whatever reason. Hippy, you said she has trust issues, and that she had them before you married? FYI, that piece of paper and a ring do NOT make trust issues go away. Not sure why, exactly, you thought they would, tbh.

As for not understanding how much you like unprotected sex... You're joking, right? I have always preferred unprotected sex. Always. So has my husband. But when necessary, we used condoms. This included right after having our kids, before going to the doctor for birth control/checkup and for two years after I had weight loss surgery. We absolutely would have preferred unprotected sex. We hated the condoms... but they were necessary, so we used them. So, yea, I understand.


----------



## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

You know what, having read a little more and re-read the whole thread again, I think we will end up meeting Mrs. Hippy in the CWI fora when he feeds his addiction with some chick on a boys night out then goes home with an itch in his pants!!!

I really do mean that, he made the statement that "she could just lay back and take it, and that would be enough for me", well, unless I am wrong then if she is just laying back and taking it with a condom, and now you seem to have phsycological issues with reference to getting/keeping hard then I am affraid to say all you are doing is setting not just yourself up but her for a big fall when going in bare with her just laying back isn't enough, then you will be fantasizing about BJ's with her and then another problem until she gives in, then it will be anal with her, and again more problems in your marriage until she gives in to your wants.

I pity you, be a man, talk to her about it and if you can not reach a resolution as adults, end it honestly and with integrity, you will become a cheater in this type of situation and she will hate you even more for making that decision, be a man, not a petulant school boy!!!


----------



## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

It really isn't as bad as it sounds folks. Things are very good between us. I am just not so good at wording these things and it comes out worse then it sounds.

For the record, not into anal and never will be. Gross! Lol. She does already give bj's, and bare! So those are great and do fill my need to some extent! 

I think it's plain and simple. Wife has never ever had unprotected sex and so she doesn't know what she's missing out on. We've talked about it. She just doesn't want kids yet that bad. We're not living in an ideal household and even though I know if she were to get pregnant my parents would help us out, it's all just related to trust. She grew up in a ****ty environment and just doesn't want that for her children. I totally get that too. 

Not trying to deny anything, but I think you two just gave me the answer. Really I just need to be patient. She trusts me, she just REALLY doesn't want kids at this point. 

I just need to not be dumb enough to slip again.


----------



## GoingInCircles (Jun 2, 2013)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> I think it's plain and simple. Wife has never ever had unprotected sex and so she doesn't know what she's missing out on.


I'd seriously doubt it's just that...
Sounds more like she has some real issues with sex/intimacy - no big surprise if she was around her mother when she was a "working girl" - That could create some pretty bad associations even if nothing happened to her personally. Jokes, inappropriate comments during sex sound like a way to break intimacy when it gets too much for her. 

Also sounds like unprotected sex represents even more intimacy and that might be the last thing she wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

thatcleanhippyguy said:


> I just need to not be dumb enough to slip again.


again?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ya what exactly does that mean?


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I think he has an illegitimate child or another woman has aborted his baby!!!

There is more to this than meets the eye, but he is just not telling!!!


----------

