# Is this really over???



## sadashell (Jun 20, 2015)

Hi there,

Sorry for the length of this post and sorry in advanceed for grammar mistakes...English isn't my first language.

My wife just told me this morning that she loves me but she says she can't bear me anymore, and that she's confused about her feelings...if she loves me, or if it's just an habit etc. She's not seeing someone. She told me and I trust her 100% on this. Let me tell you about my story:

1) I met my wife online and we talked about thee years intensively before I finally decided to go to her country to meet her. Once we met, we fell in love and we decided to try to LD relationship. I would go see her or she would come to see me about every 3-4 months. I proposed to her after 2 years because I was tired and wanted to be with her more often. 

2) Even at the beginning of the relationship, things were mostly fine but we would end up in bad fights such as name calling and she would push me but then we would say/promise to each other to work on those issues and that everything would be fine. 

3) When she landed at my country, we had to live for a couple months at my fathers place until I would get enough money to get out. My father had alcohol problems back then and it was very stress ambient. I come from a family where my parents only yelled at each other and then the following morning it would be fine. So I did the same with my wife sometimes. I will always remember the first Christmas she was here crying because my uncontrolled father was a mess and I got pissed off at him and she cried because she missed her parents. 

4) As I was a selfish prick and only child kind of behavior, I would always tell her how to do things and make sure her choices wouldn't have a negative impact on mine. She felt pressured, and like not being able to be who she is and to follow a path I decided or else I would got angry. It's not like I would always get mad at everything, but she was used to be free with parents who let her be 100% independant. 

5) On a couple occasions, it happened that I did disrespected her and then she would hit me in the face to defend herself. She told me then that whenever she hears me up my voice, she feels threatened. I also told her that one night my friends and I went to the stripper's joint and then drunked as hell I kissed a stripper but then I stopped before going all the way because I was feeling like **** and cheating on her. 

6) To improve things, I decided to go to counselling and they found out I had ADD disorder and started taking meds. I also tried to solve my family problems from when I was younger and living in this f*cked up atmosphere where disrespect and violence was present. 

7) Things got better mainly but then she still feels like I'm threatening her. It's like she sees I've changed but then can't process it inside her. She says that she doesn't forgive herself to not have left me before...but then she says she doesn't know she can't have me in her life. She gets angry easily and escalates small problems into big fights...she says I don't deserve this.

Sooo...since we had an argument last night while driving to a friends bbq, she wanted out of the car and spent the night in the city. When I came back from the bbq, she was sleeping so we didn't talk. This morning I sent her an email saying I loved her but we have communicating issues and we sould seek councellor. She replied to me that she knows we have those problems but apart of this she's confused and she doesn't want to hurt me more. She says she will be out of the appartment soon and we should do it the softest way possible. I said I understand her position and that if I truly love her, I don't want her to be feeling unhappy. I told her that if you find out with clarity what you want with me, I just hope it won't be too late. Let me add that she has been telling me her desire to leave for a couple months when we had big arguments. 

As my father is visitating this weekend and got home this morning, I told her if she wanted to eat with us after she announced me that she would leave me and she said...why are you like this and cried and hugged me but then said that she prefers to go out so the mood won't be weird for my father. 

I feel like I destroyed that woman before, but then I changed 100% but the hurt is done. Her feelings are mixed: love with resentment. I will never forgive me. She left everything for me. I just dont imagine my life without her. She's my best friend and soulmate. I love her to death. 

Am I hoping something that will never happen? Can she find out she misses me and realize that I've really changed and wants me back? Do I contact her from time to time to know how she is doing? Her approach is more like no contact so it doesn't hurt for both of us. 

Thank you very much


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

You need to let her go...and prepare yourself for the idea that it might well be forever. It sounds like she is being as nice as she can be, while at the same time, trying to get away. Too much damage may have been done. Her arriving to a new country had to be so stressful for her and you and your family did not make things easier for her. 

I do not know how old you are, but you are not ready to be married. Not if you were still living at home, could not control your temper or verbal abuse, still going to strip clubs etc...those things have to end for the most part, when you marry. If you want a happy marriage, anyway.

Don't be surprised if she files for divorce once she gets clear of you. Sorry to be harsh, but it does not look good.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

In what specific and exact ways do you feel like you've changed 100%?


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## sadashell (Jun 20, 2015)

I am 32 years old...when she arrived her, i was leaving with my father because I was finishing my master's degree. Once I got a job, we moved in our own place. I went to the strip club once for my friend's bachelor party. I admit that I had problems controling my verbal abuse. I changed this 100% in therapy and going through counceling. I realized I was expressing my fear to others that way. 

For secondtime'round: I am not longer disrespectful, I am no longer always looking over her shoulder, I am loving, caring, there for her all the time when she needs my help. In fact, we can be weeks with no problem. It's just that when we have a disagreement and discussion appears, she feels threatened. As far as she doesn't even know why....


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## sadashell (Jun 20, 2015)

update: 

Wife says she wants some time apart to heal from the past, she says she still loves me and wants us to start over and going slowly. She says she won't date anybody but she really feels like she needs some time alone to be able to process all what happened over the years and be able to start fresh. 

Is this a common reply to make me believe it will be alright when her decision is final?

Do you guys have some recommendations in reading about critisizing and patience and what women need from their husbands?

thank you


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I don't see how you have much choice but to let her go. Perhaps you could suggested MC and work through the issues with a C. It sounds like she has given up alot to join you in your country (left her family, her way of life, friends, etc) but you treated her very badly. 
Now that you are trying to be better but slipping up, she feels she has reached her limits. Maybe she is thinking about getting out while she is still young and you do not have kids. To be frank, you do not sound like good father material, neither does your own family environment sound healthy. 

Your wife may well be thinking a long these lines, can she trust you? (you showed her that she cannot when you went to stripper club), are you good parent material? will your temper get worse? will you end up like your father (drinker)? what kind of support will she have in the future if you have kids? Relationships as they progress require even more work, especially when responsibilities increase, you have not shown yourself to be the kind of man she can rely on. (I say all of this as a female who did exactly the same thing, left country, family friends age 25 to go across the world to marry my love and learnt a lot of things in the process). If my H had been in a stripper joint, I would have left him (before kids) as this already shows you have no boundaries and may well up the ante when the pressure is on with family responsibilities, etc. Some men get worse rather than better unfortunately. 

You need to change and step up to the plate, become a better man. You might get a second chance.


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## sadashell (Jun 20, 2015)

My wife and I worked on our issues, wea talked a lot and she promised herself and me to really start working her herself. She says that she wants to be with me because she feels something strong deep inside but I start to doub it because everything I say something that she doesn't like, she gets mad and yells at me and tells me to shut up that she doesn't want to talk about it or hear it. She cuts me when I'm talking and start saying those things and I can't even explain myself. She says that for the next months, I need to be very patient with her and to walk like on eggshelfs. For me, it doesn't make sense to just treat me like that because she needs the time to try to work on things

The problem is that she is full of resentment and doesn't seem to want to work to get this resentment gone. I personnaly changed a lot, I went to therapy, I don't get in her stuff but she just has 0, nada, niet patience with me. She always thinks I am attacking her and she feels the need to always say "yeah but you..." like if it was a competition when we were teenagers like : my father is stronger than yours. Also, when I say something, she thinks she knows what I'm thinking and ends up believing things that I never said/think and then gets mad at me.

For example, last night, she always tells me to turn off my phone when we go to sleep because she doesn't like the light that shines in the dark and it makes her unfortable to sleep. Well, last night, I asked the same thing and then she says : well, just 5 minutes, can't you just give me 5 minutes? I said sure but I'm really tired, why couldn't you just stay 5 minutes more in the living room until you finish chatting with your friend. She told me her back hurt and that I was untolerate. Then she thinks I use all the sheet and gets mad, stands up and gets another sheet in the other room, and I'm like why the drama, can't you just tell me to acomodate it? Now she says that all I do is think about me and my things. Then I told her why do you have to answer that coldly to me, I was calm and never said anything bad and then she exploded and pushed me with her leg. I said, I dont understand why you tell me you love me and want to be with me and then treat me like a piece of ****. She told me, then why are you staying with me? I told her " I know, I'm thinking the same thing ".

I feel like she always wants to get a revenge on something. She says she loves me but then she always seem to want to fight me or like I can't say anything to her. I have to be like "yes maam" all the time or else I get the same excuse and theats of how this mariage sucks and I will never change.
Also, she just finished her university degree and is now currently unemployed, I wonder if she just stays with me so I can help her out financially until she gets a job and leaves me....I hope my mind is playing tricks on me on this one but I think about it a lot.

So, I feel like ****, I do love her but I feel like even if I am sooo soo sorry for what happened and even if I try my best everyday to help her, she will always be mean to me when I say something she dislikes or I do something she doesn't like. With her, it's always black or white, no gray zone.
Guys, is this worth saving? Deep down, I feel like our problems are superficials and stupid and that two grown persons could solve them, but then again, I can't do it alone if she's not willing.

THank you for your help.


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## av8tordude (Jun 23, 2015)

Questions...

How old is your wife?
Where is she from? (I think she's Russian or maybe from a former Soviet Republic State)
How well do you know her parents? Have you closely observe their interactions and how they engage each other? Is your MIL more domineering over your FIL?


It's obvious that your wife has little respect for you as a person or as a Man. How can she respect you if you can't stand up for yourself? You've taught her to treat you like crap. She has unrealistic high expectations of what marriage should be and what you should be providing. Also, your wife went from her parents’ house directly into your house without knowing what it's like to be self-sufficient on her own. Essentially, you became her security net once she left her parents’ house.

During the time you were separated, where was she living? What was the reason for her return? 

As for your concerns of what she may be contemplating once she gets a job, encourage her but also be emotionally prepared to stand up for your moral beliefs and values! People tend not to appreciate those who help them along the way. Currently you are serving a purpose. You are providing a security net until she doesn’t need you anymore. REMOVE THAT SECURITY NET!!!! She needs to understand how much value you are as a person. Not in monetary terms, but as a husband! Start by loving yourself more than you love her! You should never love anyone more than you love yourself (51%/49%)! 

Everyone has a line in the sand, where is your line? I'm sure you have/had one, but you allowed her to walk over it without any repercussions. MAN UP!!! No woman wants competition in their relationship. MAN UP does not mean being physical or verbally abusive. If she is behaving in a manner that is inappropriate to you (i.e. being verbally or physically abusive), extricate yourself from her until both of you are in more rational state of mind. Most importantly, extricate yourself before it gets out of hand (fighting unfairly to each other).

While you may think your problems seem superficial, they are real to her. Never discount what a woman is telling you.


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