# ED and "I can't please you"



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

My situation is a little complicated as H and I have been talking about "incompatibilities" a lot. He is the one that coins the term and keeps using it as a reason for keeping distance from me. He is mainly talking about interests/hobbies/lifestyles here. 

But back to the sex issue. I had never achieved O during sex and after years finally discovered the spot. Yeah I know. (To summarize it, it's just a common theme for the female that clitoral and G spot stimulation have to both happen for me) This wonderful discovery led me to try to improve our sex life for a couple years. We made some progress but then my father passed away and I was so devastated I kind of put this on the back burner. (That means vanilla/infrequent, I never withdrew from sex)

For a couple months now I am somehow again in my annoying-HD phase. It's so difficult I have to do it to myself like 3 times in the afternoon. To me this is horrible and if I can take a pill to stop it I would. But 2 nights ago H got in bed late and started touching me, that's very good, until I was already on him (literally) and his penis was just too soft. I gave him oral and he finished off in my mouth (we could not attempt again as it was still too soft. )

Then...last night he again got in bed late and started touching me, but same thing was happening, and he put it between my breasts. I wiggled and told him I would like to have him inside. He said he could not meet my expectation. So I SELFISHLY did not assist him orally, manually, or "mammaryly", and tried to go to sleep with my mind crazy. Oh, I know people would ask what he has done for me in the past. His oral and hand are both rough so the most I would get is some stimulation. When he uses hand I can come but only after trying so hard I just don't want to do it sometimes. And it can be painful with wrong clitoral stimulation. 

I mentioned seeing his doc and he sort of went alone the line of "OK, but I can't please you" or told me I can check his lab. I said T level can be checked but I am a physician for KIDS so I don't know jack about ED. I want to be careful about this issue but it had happened many times in the past. He had blamed me for "being so picky" and it "made him soft" so for many years I hardly tried to convey what I needed and let him just finish. 

Please give some insight about the ED experiences you have had, and how if things improved.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LOL...mammarily.... Okay that can be a word.

First, get some coconut oil and when your h starts to touch you, pull away, grab you coconut oil, lift a leg on the bed facing him and delicately, gently, slowly, spread that coconut oil all over the good parts. Reach down and spread your labia and with your index finger make small circles on your clit. Look at him and tell him this needs your attention.

Then grab another dollop of coconut oil and spread it all over his good parts. Straddle him, but don't put him inside. Grab his hands and put them where you want them as you rub yourself up and down and back and forth thus spreading even more coconut oil.

When you take charge of for play like this, you get yourself hot and show your husband exactly where and how you need his touch. Do it enough times and he'll slowly get the picture.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well first off, maybe buy some sex toys that provide the G spot and clitoral stimulation simultaneously. With a lot of good lubricant, he should be able to use those very effectively for you...just be sure to direct him precisely where to hold it. I believe the name you want to search is "the rabbit".

Viagra/Levitra/Cialis is made for exactly what your hubby has problems with. While not cheap, compared to the alternative....it is worth it. Maybe have a doctor prescribe him 100 mg Viagra pills, chop them into quarters and try one quarter on him. If that does not work, try two quarters (50 mg). If not, try the full 100 mg. This is the preferred way since 20 tablets of 100 mg costs the same as 20 tablets of 50 mg! 

If you want to try something easy, buy a "vacuum erection device" and a little rubber ring to restrict the penis blood flow. After you pump up his penis, slide the elastic ring around the base--that should give you and acceptably hard member to play with.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I realized I hadn't answered your question about ED...

From what you describe, your H ED sounds like performance anxiety. Doing what I described above will teach him, in a sexually exciting way how to please you. Once he knows how to please you, and that he can please you, and that you do want him, his ED will likely clear up. If it doesn't after you have done the above several times, he should get a scrip from his doc.

If you do the above and he can't maintain an erection, reassure him that it's okay, as long as he has enough coconut oil on his hands you will get enough stimulation but the burning friction will be decreased.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Also he could try the suggestions in the Hardness Factor. Just doing something may help him feel like he can do something. I'm pretty sure the book covers performance anxiety as well as lack of nitric oxide.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> How old is he? Any meds?
> And this is a tell (not ask) your doctor thing.


Huh? What is the difference between "telling" and "asking"? He's 49 with no meds. Need to read about "performance anxiety", limited knowledge on that. 

I do have toys, and in fact I have a huge jar of coconut oil.  We've been having so many other issues it's kind of hard to work on the delicacies of sex and I have not bothered to look at my rabbit (which was newly bought with a groupon and still sitting in its box):lol:. I had a Lelo before but that's too hard. All in all though, these things do not compare with the real thing.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

"For a couple months now I am somehow again in my annoying-HD phase. It's so difficult I have to do it to myself like 3 times in the afternoon. To me this is horrible and if I can take a pill to stop it I would."

- Don't feel bad about this. This is not horrible. Do what you have to do.

Performance anxiety is when there is a lot of pressure to perform and you are not confident about your ability. It just feeds a negative cycle that cripples the performer. Take it easy, be cool and who knows. Your DH will probably do much better if he is not afraid of failure.

However, based on your note, your H wants to do it and enjoys sex. So the other posters' suggestion of 'just go out and buy some Cialis' is good.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

My H is the kind that pesters his doc about everything, so he likely won't have a problem mentioning it. I just wonder if for this particular problem he feels a little funny since we all know each other (his family doc is a woman and we've known each other as colleagues for a long time). As far as Rx is concerned, I can easily write Cialis for him and we tried it before. It worked but we didn't always use it. 

I just want to be very neutral and civil about this, because in the past he made me feel sometimes it was MY fault. If we can be adults and say this is no one's fault that's a good starting point.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

jennifer1986 said:


> For a couple months now I am somehow again in my annoying-HD phase.


Are you implying that you have been LD more often than not?



jennifer1986 said:


> He had blamed me for "being so picky" and it "made him soft" so for many years I hardly tried to convey what I needed and let him just finish.


Well that's very telling. He complained about something and it seems you just let it pass. He sounds like he's harboring resentment from your LD days. That plus he's not had enough sex to be able to last longer.

Based on the fact that he (a) did get hard, (b) finished and (c) complained about you making him soft for so many years (whether a legitimate complaint or not, it's legitimate in his eyes), I don't think the problem is physical.


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

My dh has had ED for too long, I can't remember exactly when it started but probably over 15 years ago. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes kinda. At first I think it was a resentment towards me, then turned into a fear which only made it worse, now I think it's a physical problem as he has a neuropathy and can't always feel. Anyway... I so wish years ago I had the guts to do just what Anon Pink suggested, I think it would have helped in the earlier days. I keep going back to what you said though. If he said that he can't please you, does he just mean in bed? Is he feeling inferior in other areas as well? If it's just a performance anxiety thing if you do what Anon Pink suggested that should do the trick, until he thinks about it so keep his mind busy in the moment if you can. Sorry you're going through this, it's no fun at all.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Are you implying that you have been LD more often than not?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This needs some clarification. 10 yrs ago I was not LD, practically ND, because my H criticizes everything and I lost all self-esteem. However, even during these years, I never denied him sex. I was not a dead fish in bed either. Just kind of going alone with life, that's why I didn't even discover how to please myself until so recently! 

When he said I was "too picky" and it made him soft, he was talking about my "requests" (for example, telling him how to move, how not to be so rough). I was confused but quickly gave up, as he criticized me in every aspect of life so I got used not standing up for myself. 

I am in a much better position now with healthy self-esteem. BTW, this ED comes and goes. Just this afternoon he was fine--but now it was PE! I was very hx$%y as I finally got him in,  but then he lasted several minutes (he often says it's because I am "too hot and wet"). Faint. Well, it's better than nothing, now what about anyone with PE out there? And speaking of PE, that's definitely the norm for him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Okay, sounds like there is a long sordid history of not being very nice. If you want your sex life to rock, you have to check your resentments at the door, cause that is a huge boner killer!

PE or early ejaculation...PE means he ejaculates within a minute or even before he enters you. Early just means...too early.

You didn't give any feed back on what I wrote above so I'm not sure if what I might suggest for PE would be in your comfort zone or not.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay, sounds like there is a long sordid history of not being very nice. If you want your sex life to rock, you have to check your resentments at the door, cause that is a huge boner killer!
> 
> PE or early ejaculation...PE means he ejaculates within a minute or even before he enters you. Early just means...too early.
> 
> You didn't give any feed back on what I wrote above so I'm not sure if what I might suggest for PE would be in your comfort zone or not.


Sorry, I did mention I have the oil, and in terms of what you suggest, we are trying to work on him touching me the right way because he is often TOO rough. I also fear he does not have the patience (like he gets bored playing with me). 

I had loads of resentment, but there was a turning point. Someday I will dig up my old thread. Suffices to say now the problem is more that he has resentment of "doing too much", and I summarized it in a thread in the General forum. 

Oh, guess my term is not correct then. OK, then it's not premature, it's early. (Isn't it still premature anyways?) Usually about several minutes. I am still working on "synchronizing" but it is so difficult to achieve. I try to warm myself up because it takes longer but this thing is tricky. Right now I am so HD I was thinking Mt. Everest might finally be climbed because I can get there quickly, but we are not there yet~


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

For fear of sounding like a broken record, if the "Little Blue pill" and its cousins only work sometimes, there is the Tri-mix standard injection that is administered to the penis just before sex. My experience is that a lot of men will not even consider this saying "I am not doing that to my ^%$^& ('penis")!

I am talking from experience here and I do speak to groups with my Urologist concerning penile implants. I strongly suggest this when men are having issues getting or maintaining an erection. Yes, it is surgery but 6 or 8 weeks later --- the fun begins and the man's self esteem is restored.

Often medication, diabetes and prostate surgery leave men with little options if they want to restore their love life and keep their wives happy. I know, I never thought twice about getting mine and I don't think my wife has either. Best of luck!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> Sorry, I did mention I have the oil, and in terms of what you suggest, we are trying to work on him touching me the right way because he is often TOO rough. I also fear he does not have the patience (like he gets bored playing with me).
> 
> I had loads of resentment, but there was a turning point. Someday I will dig up my old thread. Suffices to say now the problem is more that he has resentment of "doing too much", and I summarized it in a thread in the General forum.
> 
> Oh, guess my term is not correct then. OK, then it's not premature, it's early. (Isn't it still premature anyways?) Usually about several minutes. I am still working on "synchronizing" but it is so difficult to achieve. I try to warm myself up because it takes longer but this thing is tricky. Right now I am so HD I was thinking Mt. Everest might finally be climbed because I can get there quickly, but we are not there yet~


Well...premature/too early... If he can last a few minutes that's something to build on. It take practice. He can also work on staying in the game even after he has ejaculated. Most men don't deflate like a balloon with a leak. If he can keep thrusting at close to his normal pace it will help keep him erect for longer which might be enough for you to get yours.

I'm sorry I must have missed a post of yours. When you say you are trying to work on him not touching you in too rough a way, what exactly does that mean? Do you move his hand for him, do you talk him through it...?

Have you ever masturbated for him? If not work up the courage to try it. With him watching you masturbate, he will likely be hard by the time your get there. Win/win!

The reason why I think what I wrote in my first post is so important is because you are showing your husband exactly how you like to be touched, where you like to be touched in a hot and erotic way. This is vastly different from "not so hard!" And when you take his hand and guide it, if he tries to take control by using too much pressure, you gently say, "just relax and let me do this for now."

I haven't read your other threads. Should I? Are they important to understanding something here?


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Have you ever masturbated for him? If not work up the courage to try it. With him watching you masturbate, he will likely be hard by the time your get there. Win/win!....
> 
> 
> 
> I haven't read your other threads. Should I? Are they important to understanding something here?


Oh, I don't mind showing him, the problem is, I can't really show him because the only way I get there is to put my hand behind me, so I can reach clitoris and vagina simultaneously. Needless to say, I am on my side and you can't see much this way. Hmmm, is that weird? Do most women do the full frontal way? 

He is pretty clueless as he married me virgin. He got some erroneous ideas from porn like women enjoy roughing (well, for me only when I am absolutely ready). 

Oh, don't spend time, in case you come across I put the "never-good-enough-wife" thread in the general forum. It just has to do with our dynamics....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> Oh, I don't mind showing him, the problem is, I can't really show him because the only way I get there is to put my hand behind me, so I can reach clitoris and vagina simultaneously. Needless to say, I am on my side and you can't see much this way. Hmmm, is that weird? Do most women do the full frontal way?
> 
> He is pretty clueless as he married me virgin. He got some erroneous ideas from porn like women enjoy roughing (well, for me only when I am absolutely ready).
> 
> Oh, don't spend time, in case you come across I put the "never-good-enough-wife" thread in the general forum. It just has to do with our dynamics....


There is no right or wrong way to masturbate. Whatever floats your boat is the right way to do it! Unless it involves children or animals...

Lots of men get their sex ed from porn, bugs the crap outta me!

Try to masturbate for him then switch to using his hand as a masturbatory aid. Make it hot, sensual and give as much visual stimulation as you can.

Most men really really really need a lot of reassurance. Women do too but pleasing a man sexually is so much easier than pleasing a woman sexually. This is why I was afraid that the resentment and antagonism might be working against you in the bedroom. But it sounds like you've got that under control.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sounds to me like you're vying for control of the relationship and it's a turn off for both of you.


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