# I know I'm in the wrong but is this normal?



## unsureofme (Mar 6, 2017)

I could use some objective insight:
I do want to start off by saying I had the affair and I am not here to justify myself. I am totally in the wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions.
I am asking for help on how I can help my husband with this.

backstory:
I left my husband in November of 2015. I felt I could never do right in his eyes and we fought often. He would accuse me of flirting because I put on makeup that day or wore sexy underwear out of the house. I didn't work outside of the house or leave the house without him expect for dropping off the kids at school, of which he accused me of trying to pick up on the dads at the kids school. I didn't do this.
After awhile this walking on eggshells was to much for me and I left.

We were separated for a year. During which time I didn't apply for a divorce. I'm not sure what kept me holding on.
Also during this time, I did have an affair of which I ended.

I missed my husband and asked him for another chance. I told my husband everything before he decided to give me another chance.

We moved back in together. 

I know I hurt my husband and I know my actions were thoughtless and cruel.

My husbands reaction has been severe. He brings it up constantly in little jabs and in full blown arguments. We can hardly have a discussion without it being brought up in some way.

My phone and social media accounts, as well as email are totally open to him of which he does go through.

He doesn't want me to have a job because he thinks I'll sleep with everyone there - so I stay at home.

I can't go outside to walk the dogs because he accuses me of flirting and coming on to everyone I meet. So I never go outside during the day.

He also keeps me on the phone from when he leaves for work until he gets home. (I'm on the phone now). He works in construction so I hear all the noise all day long. I"m asked every 5 minutes what I'm doing. If I am quiet during the day he accuses me of cheating while on the phone with him. If the dogs bark, then I have someone over.

A motorcycle parked next to me more than two days, so to him - I'm having an affair with him and was questioned for a few hours on who it was and how often during the day I cheated on him.

I"m doing everything I can to reassure him. 

And I do need to say we've only been back together for 6 months. So I understand what I did continues to hurt him and he has no reason to trust me.

But I feel like I'm in a cage and I get that I did a horrible horrible thing.

But is this normal?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I dont understand why you think you had an affair. When you separated was that one of the stipulations (no sex with others) ? My understanding is you were planning to divorce and that is what your husband should have been expecting - you just never got round to it.

Also why did you miss your husband ? From what you say he sounds very insecure and controlling. Unless he has reason to be, he is not an attractive man.

There seems to be some details missing from your story else it is an open and shut case of you should leave and divorce him. Why do you want to stay ?


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## unsureofme (Mar 6, 2017)

I left without him knowing. He has a way of talking me out of things. He also physically bars me from leaving a room or the house. So I didn't think I'd be able to leave if I told him to his face. I wrote an email telling him I needed a few days and that turned into a year.
We never set any rules for the separation as we actually didn't talk about it.

As for missing him - that's a great question. I just started to feel these overwhelming thoughts of missing him. And perhaps it was guilt that I should have ended things before I did anything with another person.

As for why I want to stay - I think again that goes to guilt. He let's me know how much I have hurt him. And I guess I spend so many hours trying to prove myself to him that I think now it's my job to make things right.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes, it would be normal for a betrayed husband. But the way you describe him, he was that way before your A. Now he's a jealous maniac on steroids - because you have now confirmed his worst fear.

It's up to you to decide if you can do the heavy lifting in this type of environment. It's one thing to put up with this for a few months; quite another, for the rest of your married life.

I would suggest you two get into MC.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

unsureofme said:


> He also physically bars me from leaving a room or the house.


That's considered physical abuse in most jurisdictions.

Just say'en.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

He doesn't sound like much of a catch. You sound codependent.

Sorry but I wouldn't stay with a guy who is that insecure. Either he tries to reconcile or he doesn't. Instead it just looks like you're caged which isn't reconciliation


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You don't have a prayer.

You didn't have a healthy marriage before because of his insecurities.

You then proceeded to hit him as hard as you possibly could in his strongest fear.

I don't believe either of you are healthy enough for a relationship.

You could use some IC to cope and sort your emotions into healthy responses.

He definitely needs IC to develop confidence and overcome radical insecurities and abusive tendencies linked to his insecurities.

I don't think you two have a chance. You definitely don't without professional help.


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## unsureofme (Mar 6, 2017)

I agree - we both aren't healthy. I've actually said this to him.
He won't go to counseling - he says he knows what they are all about and that they wouldn't help.
I do think you are right. We don't have a chance. And I do need to make some decisions. 
Because I can't go on like this much longer.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am not sure what you gained by moving back in with your husband, you have just validated everything he was worried about the separation, and now he has created a jail-like world for you, and i suspect that he takes pleasure in punishing you for what ever fear he had created in his mind....for the sake of your life and mental health you need to leave.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

unsureofme said:


> I agree - we both aren't healthy. I've actually said this to him.
> He won't go to counseling - he says he knows what they are all about and that they wouldn't help.
> I do think you are right. We don't have a chance. And I do need to make some decisions.
> Because I can't go on like this much longer.


You don't have a chance if he doesn't realize pretty quick, that he has to participate in rebuilding the marriage at some point. There's nothing wrong with him expecting new boundaries - like no GNO's, no male friends, total transparency with communication devices, and accounting for your time.

But what you describe is beyond that. It's abusive. If he won't go to counseling or make an effort to be reasonable - best to move on with your life. Make a safe exit plan before you do and be careful. His insecurity is scary.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, he went for a whole year without having sex with anyone? Are you sure? Do a little digging and see if you can equalize this situation before dumping his controlling behind.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

This sounds over the top even for someone who committed actual infidelity, which I am pretty unclear on since you were separated for a year. 

Having come from an abusive relationship, this sound incredibly abusive and controlling to me. Honestly, downright scary. I think you need to get out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow - why on earth would you want to stay with this guy? He sounds like a total control freak, and I do mean freak.


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

Leave him. Work on yourself. After you've learned why you picked such a rotten human being as your spouse and fixed your "chooser", then find someone who deserves the new and improved you.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Unfortunately it is. This is exactly the reason I did not get back with my ex fiancee after she cheated. I still loved her but I knew that I would forever be suspicious of her and would bring it up in future arguments. I have read articles from Psychologist who warn that the spouse who was cheated on will bring it up often and you need to allow that. You have broken his trust in you and lied to him while cheating. How can you expect him to trust and believe anything you say? I also think it is best to just call it quits if one cheats. Break up not to punish but to be able to live the rest of your life without being under a microscope.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

unsureofme said:


> I wrote an email telling him I needed a few days and that turned into a year.
> We never set any rules for the separation as we actually didn't talk about it.


And what was his response when you didn't come home for a few days? A few weeks? Months? Just nothing?

IF that was the case and you didn't set any ground rules then I would say you didn't have an affair. You had a relationship while separated. It really doesn't matter if you told him you were separated or not. You were gone for a WHOLE YEAR. He got the hint. If he said nothing, didn't beg for you back, didn't ask you to stay monogamous, didn't try to see where you were and why you were gone, then he was 100% complicit in the separation. But of course he left things vague so that when you came crawling back and of course got your needs met during the year, he could hold it against you and up his abuse of you. Also he didn't want you asking any pesky questions about what he was doing or who he was sleeping with while you were gone. Seriously, there's nothing to save here.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

What in the world did you miss about him exactly? You need to get yourself in to see a therapist ASAP and figure out why you choose to stay in an abusive relationship!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No this is not normal. Your husband's behavior was not normal before you separated from him.

Now that you are back and you told him about you having another relationship, his behavior it to the level of sever emotional abuse.

His behavior is not normal even for someone who has been cheated on. He's a construction worker but he stays on the phone all day with you while he's at work? How do the batteries on his cell phone even last that long? Does his boss know that he is doing this? It's also dangerous for him to be distracted this way.

Your husband's behavior is pathological. You need to leave him. Seriously, why would you continue to live like this?

You wonder why you got back with him. It is not unusual for a person who is abused to have a very strong emotional tie to their abuser. If that extra strong attachment did not exist, they would not stick around for the abuse. Plus, believe it or not, abuse creates a stronger than usual bond. Instead of going back with him, you should have gone to counseling by someone who specializes in abuse.

So, are you going to leave him now?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't like the word Normal, because it implies that something that is Common is Acceptable, or even Desirable. For example it is Common that a betrayed spouse is overly suspicious. It is even Acceptable for a short period of time, maybe even 6 months. It is not desirable though because it does not heal or build trust. In order to build trust you have to be able to make a promise and keep it. If he is watching you 24/7 you are not keeping your promise, he is keeping it for you. Do you understand the difference. 

There are some other "normal" things going on. It is Common for abusive people to continue the abuse after breaks. Abuse is NEVER acceptable or desirable. It is Normal for abuse victims to return to the abuser or to find another abuser. This is not acceptable because the victim is often physically hurt and in some cases killed. I'm using some very strong words here because this is a Safety issue. 

It is also Common for you to feel guilty for what you have done. It is Acceptable for you to take that responcibility. What is not Acceptable is for you to take responcibility for his abusive controlling that was going on before you ever strayed. But that is also Common among victims of abuse. It is Desirable for you to want to save a marriage. it is not advisable for you to stay with this man because the most likely outcomes are Unhappiness, pain , and injury. Please take this seriously. 

Physically barring you from leaving a room is usually, the first Physical Abuse. This was his pattern before he had any reason to distrust you.


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## unsureofme (Mar 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> No this is not normal. Your husband's behavior was not normal before you separated from him.
> 
> Now that you are back and you told him about you having another relationship, his behavior it to the level of sever emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


I know I need a therapist. It is hard when I'm not allowed to leave the house - or talk on the phone since I'm on with him the whole day. I guess this forum is a lifeline for me right now.

I feel I know a need for women who can't get help - a private chat or therapy over email so they can get help and support.


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## unsureofme (Mar 6, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> I don't like the word Normal, because it implies that something that is Common is Acceptable, or even Desirable. For example it is Common that a betrayed spouse is overly suspicious. It is even Acceptable for a short period of time, maybe even 6 months. It is not desirable though because it does not heal or build trust. In order to build trust you have to be able to make a promise and keep it. If he is watching you 24/7 you are not keeping your promise, he is keeping it for you. Do you understand the difference.
> 
> There are some other "normal" things going on. It is Common for abusive people to continue the abuse after breaks. Abuse is NEVER acceptable or desirable. It is Normal for abuse victims to return to the abuser or to find another abuser. This is not acceptable because the victim is often physically hurt and in some cases killed. I'm using some very strong words here because this is a Safety issue.
> 
> ...


This is rather eye opening. And thank you for taking the time to write it.

He had barred me from leaving before, barred me from getting into a car and that has only escalated in that he won't let me leave a room until he's done getting his point across which can take hours.

I think I needed to know I was crazy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

unsureofme said:


> This is rather eye opening. And thank you for taking the time to write it.
> 
> He had barred me from leaving before, barred me from getting into a car and that has only escalated in that he won't let me leave a room until he's done getting his point across which can take hours.
> 
> I think I needed to know I was crazy.


If you aren't crazy yet, you will be before long with him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to get to a shelter, or at the VERY least move in with relatives or something. You should NOT spend another minute living with him.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

unsureofme said:


> a private chat or therapy over email so they can get help and support.


Yes this exists. it is only a safety valve but it is the best start for you. National Domestic Violence Hotline


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

It seems to me that the only thing you did wrong was to go back to your husband. Leave now. Don't make any mistakes that could saddle you with his kid for the rest of your life. He'll abuse both of you...


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

unsureofme said:


> I could use some objective insight:
> I do want to start off by saying I had the affair and I am not here to justify myself. I am totally in the wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions.
> I am asking for help on how I can help my husband with this.
> 
> ...


No.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Seems like a huge issue here....you need help ASAP....no way this is anywhere near to what "normal" is. PS I'm a guy...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I do see this as an affair. I see a woman who fled an abusive psycho husband with intent to divorce him, but because of her codependency issues, never pulled the trigger. Then you compounded your prevarication by sleeping with another guy. 

Own your sh!t. That is the first step you have to take in order to learn and grow and get out of the mess you are in. Leaving the idiot was not a mistake, but screwing another guy without filing for a divorce or legal separation first was a stupid thing to do. Now you have given your husband all the ammo he needs to discredit you and tear you down even more. 

I recommend you leave this turkey and stay gone. File for divorce and let your lawyer handle him. While that is going on, get into therapy and work on yourself. Work on your codependency and your need to hook up with abusive people, because the if you do not change your behaviors, you are doomed to land in another abusive relationship, and then another, and another....and that is an awful way to live.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unsureofme said:


> I know I need a therapist. It is hard when I'm not allowed to leave the house - or talk on the phone since I'm on with him the whole day. I guess this forum is a lifeline for me right now.
> 
> I feel I know a need for women who can't get help - a private chat or therapy over email so they can get help and support.


This already exists. While it's call "Domestic Violence", they help people with all kinds of abuse. And you are being abused.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unsureofme said:


> This is rather eye opening. And thank you for taking the time to write it.
> 
> He had barred me from leaving before, barred me from getting into a car and that has only escalated in that he won't let me leave a room until he's done getting his point across which can take hours.
> 
> I think I needed to know I was crazy.


So why are you staying with him now? Why don't you leave?

How does he threat your children. How many children do you have and how old are they?

How old are you and your husband? (this info helps us get a better picture of what's going on)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No this is not normal. Your husband's behavior was not normal before you separated from him.
> 
> Now that you are back and you told him about you having another relationship, his behavior it to the level of sever emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

BTW, my mobile phone (sorry! Cell phone! ) can last a lot longer because I have an external battery pack for it.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

unsureofme said:


> I know I need a therapist. It is hard when I'm not allowed to leave the house - or talk on the phone since I'm on with him the whole day. I guess this forum is a lifeline for me right now.
> 
> I feel I know a need for women who can't get help - a private chat or therapy over email so they can get help and support.


He's not the emperor of the world. You're free to leave the house when you see fit. If you're going to reconcile, you need to reconcile on terms that you're *both* ok with.

So, you need to draw boundaries. Tell him what you are, and are not willing to do. Example: "Being on the phone all day is not going to work for me." If that's a deal-breaker for him, then he needs to divorce you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

She can't call a phone number while on the phone. She needs a link so she can send a text from her computer for help


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> She can't call a phone number while on the phone. She needs a link so she can send a text from her computer for help.


I posted a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They will do computer chat, email, etc.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I certainly do not seek to justify or placate anyone's infidelity, period! I don't really care what their justification for committing it is! Wedding vows are not to be flippantly treated!

That being said, your marital relationship with him is toxic, and should have ended eons ago because of domestic mental abuse! You need to take measures to effect that very end just as soon as earthly possible!

Please seek out God's loving forgiveness, then you can begin the process of forgiveness to yourself by divorcing him! Only then can you begin the process of finding the true love that you deserve again!

As Jesus related to the woman at the well, "You are hereby forgiven in the eyes of the Father. Go woman, and sin no more!"

*


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> She can't call a phone number while on the phone. She needs a link so she can send a text from her computer for help
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





EleGirl said:


> I posted a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They will do computer chat, email, etc.


OP if you have a Gmail account you can make calls from there without getting off the call with him. With Gmail you can call U.S. and Canadian numbers at no cost (if you're in the U.S.) from your PC.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> OP if you have a Gmail account you can make calls from there without getting off the call with him. With Gmail you can call U.S. and Canadian numbers at no cost (if you're in the U.S.) from your PC.




Doesn't she have to install voice and chat software first?

Does H check your computer for new installed apps/programs?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## unsureofme (Mar 6, 2017)

Thank you everyone for the input and links. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

unsureofme said:


> Thank you everyone for the input and links. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!


Be safe.

You screwed up by your response to his insane insecurities and you screwed up by going back to him but you can, and need, to make better decisions.

Get away and stay away this time.

Get confident and healthy. When you change yourself, you will start seeing things more clearly and you will be able to recognize a good man when you meet him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Whatever happened before, what he is doing is abusive. Nothing gives him the right to keep you prisoner or monitor your every action. If you can leave safely you should do so. 

If he is that paranoid he probably has monitoring software on your computer. 

Has he ever been physically violent? If so, get the police to help you leave.

Do you have friends / family to go to?

This is NOT normal.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

Why don't you just leave?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *I certainly do not seek to justify or placate anyone's infidelity, period! I don't really care what their justification for committing it is! Wedding vows are not to be flippantly treated!
> 
> That being said, your marital relationship with him is toxic, and should have ended eons ago because of domestic mental abuse! You need to take measures to effect that very end just as soon as earthly possible!
> 
> ...


So let it be written...so let it be done...


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## unsureofme (Mar 6, 2017)

I wanted to give an update.

I did decide to leave. I just couldn't do it anymore. I am safe now with my family whom I haven't seen the entire time I was with him. He thought they were against me.

I have started counseling and realize this will be a process. Of self forgiveness and many things. 

But so far it's amazing being able to spend time with my kids and not being accused of ignoring someone. 

You can change your life in an instant for the better and I'm thankful for this board just letting me know that this wasn't normal.
When you are in it everyday and it's all you see - it's hard to know anymore what is normal and what is not.

Just thanking everyone who commented - I do so appreciate you!


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

unsureofme said:


> I wanted to give an update.
> 
> I did decide to leave. I just couldn't do it anymore. I am safe now with my family whom I haven't seen the entire time I was with him. He thought they were against me.
> 
> ...


OP this is so good to hear. I don't know you but I'm so proud of you for working up the nerve to leave. It is so difficult for abused women to break the cycle, I know because my mother has not been able to do that in over 30 years. It hurts to talk to her knowing what she is going through. 

Know that you are a strong woman OP. Even though your kids may not be able to recognize your strength now, they will when they get older. Most importantly, know that with this decision you are refusing to let your children live under the terror you did and their lives will be completely different from the mess it could have been if you stayed.

Kudos to you OP. I'm rooting for you! 

We appreciate you too even if we're strangers on the internet. Please keep us updated.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Smart move. 

Be prepared for the urge to arise to go back to him. Especially when he starts getting really persuasive and tells you all those things you want to hear about how he's going to change his behavior and become this new wonderful person and blah blah blah. You can't change a person. You can only "change the person" (by swapping them out with an improved model).


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