# How to earn back trust...



## thefool

I'm not even sure where to start right now...

I'll start by saying that I have been with my husband for over 8 years, married for 2. We have 2 beautiful daughters together.

Now onto the situation...

I made a mistake. A big mistake. About a year and a half ago, I let my ex into my apartment. We had remained 'friends' since our breakup nearly 10 years ago. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was trusting him. I shouldn't have let him in that day. We started off talking, then he started touching me and kissing me. I kept trying to pull away, trying to tell him that I wasn't interesting, but I think he thought I was playing 'hard to get'. Long story short, we became intimate, despite me telling him 'no' and 'stop' the entire time. Here comes my third mistake: Not the fact that I was taken advantage of, but I didn't tell my husband about it. I figured if I forgot about it, the whole situation would just go away. I was wrong. Very wrong. Last week my husband found out about 'the incident', and not in the way he should have. Initially, he was very angry. He threatened divorce (can't say I blame him). After taking some time to think about it and talking to me for hours on end, I think he's decided to at least give things another try. Here lies the issue: He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to trust me again (which I can understand). Here's my question: What can I do to earn back some of that trust? I have already ceased all contact with the perp. I blocked him and his wife from Facebook (his wife threatened me on there, that's what started this whole thing). I also deleted his entire family from Facebook (we used to attend church together, so I was 'friends' with his siblings), so I don't have to see his face or his name. I haven't changed my phone number (that is an option), however I have agreed that if he contacts me, I will save the text, will NOT respond, and I will notify my husband of it. I'm being completely transparent right now. He has my Facebook password and he is more than willing to sift through and retrieve my text messages. I have assured him that I won't make another stupid mistake, but obviously my word is shot to hell right now. Obviously, his wounds are still raw and he is going to take time to heal. I know this isn't going to happen overnight. I'm just hoping for some advice on how to regain his trust in the long run. I will reiterate that I promised not to have ANY contact with the perp, and I will keep that promise. I don't really go out or anything. I work 12 hour overnight shifts, but will soon be switching to day shift. I think that will help matters. I want him to be able to trust me again. I want to do everything in my power to ensure that happens. Also, we are planning on seeking marital counseling. I'm scared ****less right now, and I'm ashamed that my self-centered actions may potentially cost me my family. Any advice is welcome.

Thanks in advance.


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## PBear

Have you considered pressing charges against the guy? 

C


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## happy as a clam

thefool said:


> We started off talking, then he started touching me and kissing me. I kept trying to pull away, trying to tell him that I wasn't interesting, but I think he thought I was playing 'hard to get'. Long story short, we became intimate, *despite me telling him 'no' and 'stop' the entire time.*


Were these forceful "No's" and "Stop's", or the kind women say when they are feeling guilty and "no" really means "yes"? Because those are two entirely different scenarios.

Did you ALLOW him to have sex with you, or did he RAPE you?

Because if you were raped, you've gone about this all wrong. Now, if you're just feeling guilty for your own actions, then you really shouldn't call him a "perp." You're as much as a perp as he is for sleeping with a married man.

How did you explain it to your husband? Did you tell him you were raped or that you voluntarily became intimate?


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## thefool

happy as a clam said:


> Were these forceful "No's" and "Stop's", or the kind women say when they are feeling guilty and "no" really means "yes"? Because those are two entirely different scenarios.
> 
> Did you ALLOW him to have sex with you, or did he RAPE you?
> 
> Because if you were raped, you've gone about this all wrong. Now, if you're just feeling guilty for your own actions, then you really shouldn't call him a "perp." You're as much as a perp as he is for sleeping with a married man.
> 
> How did you explain it to your husband? Did you tell him you were raped or that you voluntarily became intimate?


I did not allow him to have sex with me. I didn't want it.

And it's a little late to press charges...

Yes, I agree that I went about it the wrong way. Yes, I made a mistake. But all that's in the past. Right now I'm trying to focus on the future and what I can do to preserve my marriage.


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## FisharnEked

You were alone with another man, that was your mistake. Trusting that a man would not like sex from you is your problem.


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## thefool

FisharnEked said:


> You were alone with another man, that was your mistake. Trusting that a man would not like sex from you is your problem.


Thank you for telling me what I already know...


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## Gfxbss

Not totally sure, but OP seems to be looking for advice, not trying to pass the buck. So, on that note, I will attempt to start and hope others will join in along the same track.

Amongst many things, patience is key. Earning trust doesn't happen over night, and certainly will not happen as quickly as either you or your spouse would like. Try to be understanding of the pain that you have caused him and that at any moment, his mood may swing.

Seeing as you have committed to no contact, transparency as far as FB and texts go. You are at least on the right track. 

Counseling would be a good route to take as well, but be sure to get a counselor that you both like and trust.

Last and not least, be sure to SHOW him how much you love him, and what he means to you. You're the one with something to prove in this situation, so that is your burden to bare.

This is just my pair of pennies on the matter, hopefully some others chime in with some well founded advice.


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## GusPolinski

How did your husband find out?


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## Jung_admirer

thefool said:


> I did not allow him to have sex with me. I didn't want it.
> 
> *And it's a little late to press charges...
> *
> Yes, I agree that I went about it the wrong way. Yes, I made a mistake. But all that's in the past. Right now I'm trying to focus on the future and what I can do to preserve my marriage.



I don't believe there is any state in the USA where the statute of limitation is less than 2 years for criminal sexual assault.


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## GusPolinski

Jung_admirer said:


> I don't believe there is any state in the USA where the statute of limitation is less than 2 years for criminal sexual assault.


I'd definitely check into it.


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## happy as a clam

thefool said:


> *I did not allow him to have sex with me. I didn't want it.*...*This statement doesn't even come CLOSE to saying "I was RAPED."*
> 
> And it's a little late to press charges...
> 
> Yes, I agree that I went about it the wrong way. Yes, I made a mistake. But all that's in the past. Right now I'm trying to focus on the future and what I can do to preserve my marriage.


I find your explanation a bit far fetched. Anyone in their RIGHT MIND who had sex forced upon them would have been irate, felt violated, told SOMEBODY (especially your husband!) what had just happened!! Call the cops, call a friend, go to a rape crisis center...

*I believe you didn't do anything to stop the sexual encounter and you're wracked with guilt.* That's what this is REALLY about. I personally know two friends who were raped in college. Your reaction isn't even remotely close to theirs.



thefool said:


> He threatened divorce (can't say I blame him).


Your husband threatened *divorce?!?!* Because you were *raped?!?!* *And you DON'T BLAME HIM?!? *You're not telling us everything. Was this "nearly-consensual" sex? Tell us the TRUTH, then we can offer you some real advice. Stop justifying and blame shifting this in your own mind.

OP, you have not stated clearly that you were RAPED. Your explanation is a very "grey" area, nothing black and white about it. You state, "I didn't allow it." What did you do to STOP it? Did you kick? Scream? Scratch? Claw?


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## GusPolinski

HaaC, let's keep an open mind and not rush to judgement. I'll readily admit that OP's accounting of her encounter w/ OM does seem to be a bit unusual (at the very least), but the bottom line is that not everyone reacts the same way to being sexually assaulted... either during the assault itself or in the days, weeks, and months afterward.

OP, I'll ask again... how did your husband find out?


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## nickgtg

thefool said:


> I have already ceased all contact with the perp. *I blocked him and his wife from Facebook (his wife threatened me on there, that's what started this whole thing)*. I also deleted his entire family from Facebook (we used to attend church together, so I was 'friends' with his siblings), so I don't have to see his face or his name.
> Thanks in advance.


I'm guessing her husband found out through FB?


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## GusPolinski

nickgtg said:


> I'm guessing her husband found out through FB?


Guess I missed that. Good catch.


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## thefool

nickgtg said:


> I'm guessing her husband found out through FB?


Yes, this.

My ex's wife sent me a nasty message. Apparently they are trying to work things out after being separated for 2 years. She threatened me and called me a *****. HAAC, if you're going to call me a ***** as well, you might as well not even comment, okay? I'm not even going to bother responding to your negativity. My mom was raped by her ex-husband. She didn't report it. She didn't even tell anyone for quite some time. When she did come out with it, she was attacked. It makes sense why some victims of sexual assault don't say anything to anyone. As someone else pointed out, everyone responds differently to rape, just as people respond differently to stress and grief. No two people are the same. I came on here looking for advice. I'm not looking for my actions to be condoned, but I don't want to be attacked either. I was told that this site was a great place to come for marital advice, and I'm not getting that impression at all right now. I feel that this site is just as catty as the parenting forum I'm a member of. I know what happened that day. No one else's interpretation of it matters. I'm here trying to find ways to save my marriage. Shouldn't that count for something?


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## PBear

Unfortunately, other people's interpretations of your story do matter. Not us anonymous people on an Internet forum, not the guy's wife, but your husband. If he hears the same story that we've heard, and he reacts at all like HaaC, he will not be able to rebuild his trust in you. He will always doubt whether he got the real story, or whether you ended up agreeing to have sex with him. 

Has your husband had any ideas how you can rebuild his trust in you? This is all still very raw for your husband, and you can likely recover from this, if you both work at it. 

One thing I would advise is to make sure you are completely open and honest from now on. You can't afford to "trickle truth" him, where you hold back information up front, and dribble out the whole story over a period of time. If you do that, you will tear down the trust that's been rebuilt. The fact that you didn't tell him what happened when it happened is likely as damaging as what happened in the first place. If that makes sense...

C


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## thefool

PBear said:


> Unfortunately, other people's interpretations of your story do matter. *Not us anonymous people on an Internet forum, not the guy's wife, but your husband.* If he hears the same story that we've heard, and he reacts at all like HaaC, he will not be able to rebuild his trust in you. He will always doubt whether he got the real story, or whether you ended up agreeing to have sex with him.
> 
> Has your husband had any ideas how you can rebuild his trust in you? This is all still very raw for your husband, and you can likely recover from this, if you both work at it.
> 
> One thing I would advise is to make sure you are completely open and honest from now on. You can't afford to "trickle truth" him, where you hold back information up front, and dribble out the whole story over a period of time. If you do that, you will tear down the trust that's been rebuilt. The fact that you didn't tell him what happened when it happened is likely as damaging as what happened in the first place. If that makes sense...
> 
> C


Absolutely.

I have asked him what I can do to regain trust. It was actually my husband that suggested I join and ask for advice. So far, you are the only one who has actually offered any. I appreciate it.


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## Hicks

Don't get defensive. That will not help you. These people are having the questions your husband surely has. The question is why would your husband not trust you if he believes it was a rape?

I think if you were raped, then you should report it to the police. That is beneificial to society and to your marriage.

If this was in any way consensual then you should not report it as a rape. That would be deeply unfair to the perp.

To regain trust, spend alot of time together as a couple. Live an intertwined life. Do not assocaite with any other males in any way. Have alot of fun with your husband. Have alot of sex if that's what he wants. Be a couple. Give it time.


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## GusPolinski

thefool said:


> Yes, this.
> 
> My ex's wife sent me a nasty message. Apparently they are trying to work things out after being separated for 2 years. She threatened me and called me a *****. HAAC, if you're going to call me a ***** as well, you might as well not even comment, okay? I'm not even going to bother responding to your negativity. My mom was raped by her ex-husband. She didn't report it. She didn't even tell anyone for quite some time. When she did come out with it, she was attacked. It makes sense why some victims of sexual assault don't say anything to anyone. As someone else pointed out, everyone responds differently to rape, just as people respond differently to stress and grief. No two people are the same. I came on here looking for advice. I'm not looking for my actions to be condoned, but I don't want to be attacked either. I was told that this site was a great place to come for marital advice, and I'm not getting that impression at all right now. I feel that this site is just as catty as the parenting forum I'm a member of. I know what happened that day. No one else's interpretation of it matters. *I'm here trying to find ways to save my marriage. Shouldn't that count for something?*


I'd say so.



PBear said:


> Unfortunately, other people's interpretations of your story do matter. Not us anonymous people on an Internet forum, not the guy's wife, but your husband. If he hears the same story that we've heard, and he reacts at all like HaaC, he will not be able to rebuild his trust in you. He will always doubt whether he got the real story, or whether you ended up agreeing to have sex with him.
> 
> Has your husband had any ideas how you can rebuild his trust in you? This is all still very raw for your husband, and you can likely recover from this, if you both work at it.
> 
> One thing I would advise is to make sure you are completely open and honest from now on. You can't afford to "trickle truth" him, where you hold back information up front, and dribble out the whole story over a period of time. If you do that, you will tear down the trust that's been rebuilt. The fact that you didn't tell him what happened when it happened is likely as damaging as what happened in the first place. If that makes sense...
> 
> C


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

OP, did you have any contact w/ OM, his wife, or anyone in his immediate circle following the encounter? _I ask because it sounds as if you didn't unfriend/block either of them via FB until *after* OMW attacked you via FB._


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## Jellybeans

PBear said:


> One thing I would advise is to make sure you are completely open and honest from now on. You can't afford to "trickle truth" him, where you hold back information up front, and dribble out the whole story over a period of time. If you do that, you will tear down the trust that's been rebuilt.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## thefool

Hicks said:


> Don't get defensive. That will not help you. These people are having the questions your husband surely has. The question is why would your husband not trust you if he believes it was a rape?
> 
> I think if you were raped, then you should report it to the police. That is beneificial to society and to your marriage.
> 
> If this was in any way consensual then you should not report it as a rape. That would be deeply unfair to the perp.
> 
> To regain trust, spend alot of time together as a couple. Live an intertwined life. Do not assocaite with any other males in any way. Have alot of fun with your husband. Have alot of sex if that's what he wants. Be a couple. Give it time.


I'm sorry. I'm trying not to get defensive, but it's difficult when people are calling you an outright liar. Also, my emotions are a whirlwind right now.

John Candy, I was never 'friends' with his wife on FB. I was friends with his siblings. I used to be best friends with his sister. I 'unfriended' his siblings and blocked him and his wife. I thought it to be best. I don't want to have any connection to him.

As far as the relationship with my husband goes, we are spending a lot of time together right now. Talking, cuddling, etc. We both have realized that we didn't make our relationship a priority. Between both of us working full-time jobs, caring for two young children, and him being in college part-time, we put each other on the back burner. We're both working on that, and we plan to continue working on it. We also need to start focusing more on 'we' and 'us' instead of 'me' and 'I'. Mending the relationship is going to take a lot of work, but I'm all in.


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## PBear

Has your husband been able to articulate what he needs to move past this?

And I don't think people are calling you a liar, necessarily. They're asking the same questions that your husband probably asked himself (or is still asking himself). If you can't answer us anonymous people on the internet, how do you respond to him?

Have you worked on the "why" you hid this for 18 months, only opening up when you had to, because someone else blew it up?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

thefool said:


> *John Candy*, I was never 'friends' with his wife on FB. I was friends with his siblings. I used to be best friends with his sister. I 'unfriended' his siblings and blocked him and his wife. I thought it to be best. I don't want to have any connection to him.


LOL... That (the part in bold) made me audibly chuckle. Thanks for that.

As for the rest of it... Understood.


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## larry.gray

thefool said:


> I'm not even going to bother responding to your negativity. My mom was raped by her ex-husband. She didn't report it. She didn't even tell anyone for quite some time. When she did come out with it, she was attacked. It makes sense why some victims of sexual assault don't say anything to anyone. As someone else pointed out, everyone responds differently to rape, just as people respond differently to stress and grief.


Very often rape comes down to he said / she said. Particularly if there is no physical evidence beyond evidence beyond proof that sex happened, and more-so if it's much later when there is no evidence at all.

That is compounded by the fact that there are indeed false rape allegations.

Obviously if there is a knife or gun involved, resisting may be a bad idea. Other than that, a woman should be making at least one of them bear evidence of a struggle and report it quickly. If you don't do that, then down the road people will have doubt. Sorry that's the case - I'm not saying this to beat you up more, but fill in your mind with where your husband's mind is.


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## happy as a clam

GusPolinski said:


> LOL... That (the part in bold) made me audibly chuckle. Thanks for that.


I laughed too, Gus! That was cute...


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