# 28 years of beautiful lies



## 28years

My husband and I have been married 27 years this July and together for a total of 28 years. Perfect marriage no but good marriage yes or so I thought. My husband came home to me on his birthday stood in our bedroom door and told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. I was in complete and udder shock. There were no warning signs two weeks prior to this he was sending me love songs and telling me how he could love me forever and how easy it was because of what a beautiful person I was. He told me that he was a coward over the last 25 years and that he had realized I wasn't the girl for him but could never bring himself to tell me. We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. Then a month after he dropped this bomb on me he went on to tell me how he called his girlfriend of 30 years ago that he dated when he was 15 to 16 and that he just called her to apologize for breaking her heart, and then he told her that he had thought of her on and off throughout our marriage. He told me that he knows the right thing to is stay with me but he can not help the way he feels. He loves me deeply but he feels like the world could fall out from under him when he is with her. Our sex life was good, we talked about everything and anything, or so I thought. Everyone we know is in complete shock because they thought he adored the ground I walked on we were best friends and I am in disbelief. Fast forward five months he is now in a sexual relationship with her and she is married but separated herself. I believe in marriage and that it is a sacrament. I wanted to go to counseling but the minute he knew he would have to give her up he said he could not hurt her like that again. I know I should be angry and disgusted with his infidelity but all I can think about is the time I have invested in this relationship. We invested so much and were making plans for our retirement. He asked me to file for divorce and I refused stating that it is not what I want. He has not filed yet but has expressed to me he cant live with this other woman if he is married to me which is a laughable considering he is having sex with her while he is married to me. We live separately because we were relocating to another state. I am so depressed and am still in shock over what is going on in my life. Its almost like PTSD. Our kids are all angry and have lost respect for their father but they love him. He was an excellent father and husband I just am having trouble digesting what is going on. I feel as if my life has been a big lie and that I have been cheated. Any advise is welcomed positive or negative.


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## DepressedHusband

Go ahead and file, this is not uncommon behavior for men at the end of child rearing, to go back and find the more exciting romances.


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## Marc878

Cheater logic is unexplainable. 

If you're smart and you want to try and salvage this you draw up a list of contacts. His/her close friends, relatives, etc and expose it all at once without warning. 

*Do not make the mistake of helping hide their affair!!!!* affairs thrive in the secret and dark. Shine a light on it. Don't worry about pushing your cowardly husband away he's already gone.

Exposure is about the only weapon you have. It often ends the affair.

Keep quiet and help them hide it at your own peril


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## Cynthia

It's not almost like PTSD. It is PTSD.
Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Affaircare


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## Evinrude58

File. It's hard. You are not the only woman to have to deal with this childish bs.
He will eventually figure out once the new wears off of her that she's no cupcake, or not. Who freaking cares? He has placed zero value on YOU. Detach and do whatever it takes to place the sane value on him.
You may find that once you meet another man (which won't be hard) that dies value you, you'll be happier than ever.

We can't live by what we want things to be like, we've got to live by what they are like.
Your husband is a cheating, lying ass.
He started this affair and lost feelings for you. YOU had zero to do with this. You could have been the perfect wife and still, there's no way you could compete with this childish fantasy he had built in his head.
For these cheaters to say they never loved you----- that's what they all say. They have to kill what they had for you mentally so they can look at themselves in the mirror. He didn't stay with you 25 years because he is such a great guy. He abandoned and betrayed you because he is NOT.

Now it's all up to you to be strong, keep your dignity, and show your kids for the benefit of a good example, how one handles a disloyal, cheating spouse.

There is no way to fix this. But there is a way you can get over this. Move on, find a good man, and never look back.


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## Spicy

This is such a terrible story, and I am so sorry that you and your kids are in this spot. He definitely needs a big wake up call. Although it's easy for us to say "DUMP HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK" the reality is a family and a lifetime of love that you have shared, and you don't view it as disposable, because it shouldn't be. 

I agree wholeheartedly with @Evinrude58, its easy for the cheater to claim they never loved you blah blah blah. Yeah right. He's justifying. Period. 

He needs a reality check. I would tell him he has to move out immediately and then do the full 180 on him. Have zero contact other than about your minor children. That will probably be your best hope at a possible reconciliation down the road. It's doubtful that anything productive will come out of the situation until the newness wears off, and he suddenly realizes he has thrown away his wife, kids and family for a midlife crisis.


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## Evinrude58

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

When someone rejects you it doesn’t mean you need to also reject yourself or think of yourself as less worthy. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever want you anymore. Remember that there are billions of people in the world and only ONE person has rejected you. And it only hurts so bad right now because, to you, that one person’s opinion represented the opinion of the whole world. But that’s not the truth.

Got that off a page I was reading. Found it to be true.
I have felt as you are feeling. 
I'm very sorry. It is traumatic.
But you can overcome this. Lots of us had. Keep talking, keep discussing how you feel.
Lots of us here because we want to repay what we were given.
Advice from others who have been through this is a helpful tool in rebuilding your life.


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## Vinnydee

Sad to say that this is not an uncommon occurrence. People stay in marriage for a lot of wrong reasons. For the sake of the kids is one, regular sex, a roof over their heads, etc., are others. 

Funny that your husband talked about apologising to his old girlfriend. My ex fiancee who I dated for 5 years, cheated on me and called me 47 years later to apologise to me. She even had all the things and pictures I ever gave her which she mailed to me. However she is married to a woman so she did not want to get back with me but obviously she thought about me. She went through a lot in her life and to keep the things that reminded her of me, says a lot. 

Love is a chemical reaction that cannot be willed into or out of existence. Once gone no amount of counselling can get your brain to make that cocktail of chemicals we call love. At best, you can live together sort of like friends with benefits. It is obviously over and yet he still cares for you. He just does not lust after you anymore. Love also makes you want to spend all of your time with the object of your desire. You overlook their faults and everything they say is of interest. As a poly person I am well aware of new love and how it can affect an existing relationship. It is natural to find a new lover more exciting than an old one. Most people are monogamous and for them that presents a problem and contributes to the 50% divorce rate. We still cling to a marriage systems that fails half of the time for some reason and unfortunately you have fallen on the bad side of those odds. 

You are not alone in having a spouse who does not love you like you love him. Men especially, cling to their marriage for the regular sex, food and shelter. Their marriage becomes a safety net for them and they still care for their wives. If I had to guess I would guess that your husband has had a very affairs. Most who cheat never get caught. If they did, the divorce rate would be much higher. Only thing to do now is to save your own life and find happiness with someone else. I know lots of married women with kids who have remarried and are having a good life with a man who worships them. That can be you if you want it. Good luck and although it is difficult, close this chapter in your book of life.


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## EleGirl

28years, have you spoken to a lawyer about your legal rights?

You say that you two are living in different states right now? Do you know what the difference in divorce laws are in the two states?

Right now, by not filing for divorce you are making it much easier for your husband to carry on an affair. See right now he does not have to face the reality of what an affair is going to do to his life. He does not have to face that he is truly losing you.

This keeps the affair a fantasy. He is still not relying 100% on her to meet his emotional needs. He still has you in the wings.

If you file for divorce, reality should hit him right between the eyes. 

Remember that a divorce can stopped at any time up to the hour that the judge signs the final decree.


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## WorkingOnMe

I find it interesting that you talk about him sending you love songs and him worshipping the ground you walk on but nothing at all about how you do the same. How often did you affirm him? Complement him? Stroke his ego?

Also, if all you care about is how much you've invested, well, it's already over.


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## 225985

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## Evinrude58

WorkingOnMe said:


> I find it interesting that you talk about him sending you love songs and him worshipping the ground you walk on but nothing at all about how you do the same. How often did you affirm him? Complement him? Stroke his ego?
> 
> Also, if all you care about is how much you've invested, well, it's already over.


I have no clue what she wrote that's makes you think this. 
It's what she "didn't write"???????

What the heck? Talk about ad lobbing a person's marital history!

Anyone with 28 years of marriage and three kidstgat had just been suddenly dumped by by their cheater husband who called up his high school sweetheart, would likely be so emotionally distraught, she's lucky to write a coherent sentence.

Wakkaway husband? It's her fault?
She didn't stroke his ego enough?
I'm just in shock that you would post this.

Op, just to be clear--- your husband cheated. And there is no freaking way that his cheating is your fault. Don't let anyone convince you of that.


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## Hope Shimmers

Evinrude58 said:


> He didn't stay with you 25 years because he is such a great guy. He abandoned and betrayed you because he is NOT.


Quoted for truth.

And I agree with all of Evinrude58's posts on this thread. Read and re-read them and realize that it is not YOU.


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## aine

28years said:


> My husband and I have been married 27 years this July and together for a total of 28 years. Perfect marriage no but good marriage yes or so I thought. My husband came home to me on his birthday stood in our bedroom door and told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. I was in complete and udder shock. There were no warning signs two weeks prior to this he was sending me love songs and telling me how he could love me forever and how easy it was because of what a beautiful person I was. He told me that he was a coward over the last 25 years and that he had realized I wasn't the girl for him but could never bring himself to tell me. We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. Then a month after he dropped this bomb on me he went on to tell me how he called his girlfriend of 30 years ago that he dated when he was 15 to 16 and that he just called her to apologize for breaking her heart, and then he told her that he had thought of her on and off throughout our marriage. He told me that he knows the right thing to is stay with me but he can not help the way he feels. He loves me deeply but he feels like the world could fall out from under him when he is with her. Our sex life was good, we talked about everything and anything, or so I thought. Everyone we know is in complete shock because they thought he adored the ground I walked on we were best friends and I am in disbelief. Fast forward five months he is now in a sexual relationship with her and she is married but separated herself. I believe in marriage and that it is a sacrament. I wanted to go to counseling but the minute he knew he would have to give her up he said he could not hurt her like that again. I know I should be angry and disgusted with his infidelity but all I can think about is the time I have invested in this relationship. We invested so much and were making plans for our retirement. He asked me to file for divorce and I refused stating that it is not what I want. He has not filed yet but has expressed to me he cant live with this other woman if he is married to me which is a laughable considering he is having sex with her while he is married to me. We live separately because we were relocating to another state. I am so depressed and am still in shock over what is going on in my life. Its almost like PTSD. Our kids are all angry and have lost respect for their father but they love him. He was an excellent father and husband I just am having trouble digesting what is going on. I feel as if my life has been a big lie and that I have been cheated. Any advise is welcomed positive or negative.



I suspect if you do some digging, your WH was already involved with her sexually long before he give you the I love you but not in love with you speech. You cannot nice him back into the marriage, however the reality is that he might wake up and realise that he is throwing his whole life away but you cannot make him stay in the marriage, I would suggest you give him what he wants. Go scorched earth on him. You can file for divorce, you dont have to go through with it, then start dating.

1. See a lawyer and file. ensure that financially you are covered, ensure you get as much as possible of him. Get a copy of all financial documents, talk to your lawyer about how to best proceed so that financially you have enough for retirement, too many women after dedicating their lives to husband and family end up in poverty when the H does something like this
2. tell all friends and family including teenage kids, it is his shame and burden to bear, not yours
3. You only know what he told you about the OW, try and contact her H as he may be in a false reconciliation with her
4. go and do things for yourself, join a club, lose weight, do yourself up
5. Do the 180 on him hard, kick him out of the house, let him have what he wants, she is not the same girl he knew before, so let him find out the hard way. Go no contact, all contact through a lawyer only.
6. You are going through alot now, get some IC for yourself.

One of two things will happen

1. he will see that far away fields are not green, that he has stupidly thrown away his wife and family for a fantasy that is not real. His mid life crisis has cost him dearly.
Then he will come running back, hopefully you will have moved on, will have enough self respect for yourself and will have found yourself someone who is worthy of you for he aint.

2. He genuinely is finished with the marriage and does not come back, If this is the case, you cannot win him back anyhow he is gone, but by then you have got over the trauma and are on your way to healthy healed life and ready to meet new and better things.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## browser

WorkingOnMe said:


> I find it interesting that you talk about him sending you love songs and him worshipping the ground you walk on but nothing at all about how you do the same. How often did you affirm him? Complement him? Stroke his ego?
> 
> Also, if all you care about is how much you've invested, well, it's already over.


I don't understand this post at all. It sounds like you're blaming her for him leaving her and their 5 children and having an affair with his old girlfriend. 

Do you have some sort of agenda? Did someone do something similar to you?


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## 225985

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## WorkingOnMe

browser said:


> I don't understand this post at all. It sounds like you're blaming her for him leaving her and their 5 children and having an affair with his old girlfriend.
> 
> 
> 
> Do you have some sort of agenda? Did someone do something similar to you?




If you only want to read posts by cheerleaders I suggest you put me on ignore right away. At some point she will need to own her part in the condition of the marriage. Not the cheating, the marriage.


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## 28years

browser said:


> I don't understand this post at all. It sounds like you're blaming her for him leaving her and their 5 children and having an affair with his old girlfriend.
> 
> Do you have some sort of agenda? Did someone do something similar to you?


Dear Working on me thank you for your in put. To answer question I have affirmed my husband yes I have. I have supported my husband throughout my whole marriage. I have thanked him for providing us with a good life , have always told him what a great father he is and how sexy that is. I have been available to him I don't know how much more to stroke his ego, I have supported him through boot camp, War, law school, private practice....worked countless hours by his side as his office manager and secretary at the expense of my family, when he decided that being an attorney was killing him and he weighed over 350 pounds I stood behind him and let him know that I would support him in what he needed to do to be happy. He stopped practicing and started working for the state making less than 30 thousand a year for a family of 7. We lost our home and everything else but none of those things mattered because they are material. My family is the most valuable thing in my life. I supported my husband in weight loss and encouraged him to take up martial arts and clipped coupons and lived paycheck to paycheck. I told him how much I loved him and appreciated him and all that he did for us. We sex on the regular as often as possible went out and spent time alone together. How much stroking would you like me to do. I planned a 25 year anniversary cruise for us and took us zip lining , snorkeling and tubing for the first time ever in our lives. I'm not interested in what I have invested, I simply stated that because I feel that giving up on my marriage is hard since it was a good marriage and its hard to walk away when you have so much of yourself invested in your relationship and family
Dear Browser, Thank you for defending me I do not feel to blame for what my husband has chosen to do to me and our family. But I did ask for any in put be it neg. or positive. thank you for your words.


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## browser

28years said:


> Dear Browser, Thank you for defending me I do not feel to blame for what my husband has chosen to do to me and our family. But I did ask for any in put be it neg. or positive. thank you for your words.


You're welcome. Realize that when people post here, sometimes well meaning advice givers are "triggered", meaning that they read a post that brings up bitter memories and unresolved feelings of anger towards their partner who betrayed them, and they lash out at an innocent third party who has done nothing to deserve it. Try not to take it personally, it has nothing to do with you.


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## 28years

Working on me,
So I'm interested in what you think is my part to own in the relationship? If his whole family is disappointed in him and had no clue that he was not madly, deeply in love with me and even my in laws are defending me what makes you think differently? Maybe I should have disregarded my husband and his wants and needs and been only concerned with mine. I think that you should inquire a little more before you make assumptions. I'm not a doormat or a stupid woman by ANY means. I just am here to try and make sense of a senseless situation. I mean no one is perfect and marriage is give and take and a learning experience. Its not perfect and I am certainly guilty of growing in my marriage and as a person. My husband spent a lot of time letting me and my children know how much he loved me and us and how he would never (his words not mine) leave us the way friends had done to others in our circle. If there is something that I can clarify for you so you can point out my failures please be my guest. I'm sure it isn't anything I have not entertained a thousand times myself.


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## 28years

blueinbr said:


> What is there not to understand? His post was directed to OP asking if she reciprocated and demonstrated love to her husband.


Yes, I did reciprocate his love


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## WorkingOnMe

28years said:


> Working on me,
> 
> So I'm interested in what you think is my part to own in the relationship? If his whole family is disappointed in him and had no clue that he was not madly, deeply in love with me and even my in laws are defending me what makes you think differently? Maybe I should have disregarded my husband and his wants and needs and been only concerned with mine. I think that you should inquire a little more before you make assumptions. I'm not a doormat or a stupid woman by ANY means. I just am here to try and make sense of a senseless situation. I mean no one is perfect and marriage is give and take and a learning experience. Its not perfect and I am certainly guilty of growing in my marriage and as a person. My husband spent a lot of time letting me and my children know how much he loved me and us and how he would never (his words not mine) leave us the way friends had done to others in our circle. If there is something that I can clarify for you so you can point out my failures please be my guest. I'm sure it isn't anything I have not entertained a thousand times myself.




I don't necessarily think any differently. I just hope that you can be introspective and try to examine your part of the marriage dynamic. Maybe not. Maybe you are a saint who was simply blindsided.


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## urf

28years said:


> My husband and I have been married 27 years this July and together for a total of 28 years. Perfect marriage no but good marriage yes or so I thought. My husband came home to me on his birthday stood in our bedroom door and told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. I was in complete and udder shock. There were no warning signs two weeks prior to this he was sending me love songs and telling me how he could love me forever and how easy it was because of what a beautiful person I was. He told me that he was a coward over the last 25 years and that he had realized I wasn't the girl for him but could never bring himself to tell me. We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. Then a month after he dropped this bomb on me he went on to tell me how he called his girlfriend of 30 years ago that he dated when he was 15 to 16 and that he just called her to apologize for breaking her heart, and then he told her that he had thought of her on and off throughout our marriage. He told me that he knows the right thing to is stay with me but he can not help the way he feels. He loves me deeply but he feels like the world could fall out from under him when he is with her. Our sex life was good, we talked about everything and anything, or so I thought. Everyone we know is in complete shock because they thought he adored the ground I walked on we were best friends and I am in disbelief. Fast forward five months he is now in a sexual relationship with her and she is married but separated herself. I believe in marriage and that it is a sacrament. I wanted to go to counseling but the minute he knew he would have to give her up he said he could not hurt her like that again. I know I should be angry and disgusted with his infidelity but all I can think about is the time I have invested in this relationship. We invested so much and were making plans for our retirement. He asked me to file for divorce and I refused stating that it is not what I want. He has not filed yet but has expressed to me he cant live with this other woman if he is married to me which is a laughable considering he is having sex with her while he is married to me. We live separately because we were relocating to another state. I am so depressed and am still in shock over what is going on in my life. Its almost like PTSD. Our kids are all angry and have lost respect for their father but they love him. He was an excellent father and husband I just am having trouble digesting what is going on. I feel as if my life has been a big lie and that I have been cheated. Any advise is welcomed positive or negative.


I remember my mid-life crisis. I bought a Corvette. I guess I had more to hold onto than he did.

Gee, that sounds so flippant of me. The fact is that I don't know you or your husband. If you guys were friends of my wife and I and said the same thing
I would have data and experience to assess what was going on, who was likely at fault and so on. 

Once a friend told us a story not totally unlike your story but we had suspected for years that something was amiss. As then, I find it hard to grasp how
one partner can be so oblivious to the reality they live in. I know it happens. I can only attribute it to ...... NOT REALLY WANTING TO KNOW.

After the fact it all made sense to her. After the fact we were more confused than ever because it was so bizarre.


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## 28years

Spicy said:


> This is such a terrible story, and I am so sorry that you and your kids are in this spot. He definitely needs a big wake up call. Although it's easy for us to say "DUMP HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK" the reality is a family and a lifetime of love that you have shared, and you don't view it as disposable, because it shouldn't be.
> 
> I agree wholeheartedly with @Evinrude58, its easy for the cheater to claim they never loved you blah blah blah. Yeah right. He's justifying. Period.
> 
> He needs a reality check. I would tell him he has to move out immediately and then do the full 180 on him. Have zero contact other than about your minor children. That will probably be your best hope at a possible reconciliation down the road. It's doubtful that anything productive will come out of the situation until the newness wears off, and he suddenly realizes he has thrown away his wife, kids and family for a midlife crisis.


Dear Spicy, 

Thank you what is this 180 thing I have read about. He doesn't live in the house with me which made this even easier for him. We were relocating because of his job so I was hear and moving when the kids got finished with school. It never occurred to me that our marriage could not endure a little separation as we talked multiple times throughout the day did hang outs along with him traveling between states. Guess I put all my faith in love and believed in my husbands integrity.


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## EleGirl

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't necessarily think any differently. I just hope that you can be introspective and try to examine your part of the marriage dynamic. Maybe not. Maybe you are a saint who was simply blindsided.


Please be sure to bring this skepticism to play in the many threads we get here on TAM with men whose wives have cheated no them. It would be interesting to see that happen on TAM.


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## 28years

Dear Spicy, 

Thank you what is this 180 thing I have read about. He doesn't live in the house with me which made this even easier for him. We were relocating because of his job so I was hear and moving when the kids got finished with school. It never occurred to me that our marriage could not endure a little separation as we talked multiple times throughout the day did hang outs along with him traveling between states. Guess I put all my faith in love and believed in my husbands integrity.


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow, this is so sad, I am sorry you are here. File for divorce, let him go. You will find yourself right back here again within the NEXT 20 years because he did this again. Dont let that happen, be the one to pull the trigger he is too cowardly to do himself.


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## browser

EleGirl said:


> Please be sure to bring this skepticism to play in the many threads we get here on TAM with men whose wives have cheated no them. It would be interesting to see that happen on TAM.


I'm thinking those hurt and betrayed men would respond angrily and defensively to someone suggesting they were cheated on because they screwed up, as compared to, say, offering support and useful advice.


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## EleGirl

28years said:


> Dear Spicy,
> 
> Thank you what is this 180 thing I have read about. He doesn't live in the house with me which made this even easier for him. We were relocating because of his job so I was hear and moving when the kids got finished with school. It never occurred to me that our marriage could not endure a little separation as we talked multiple times throughout the day did hang outs along with him traveling between states. Guess I put all my faith in love and believed in my husbands integrity.


See the link to the 180 in my signature block below.

In my signature block there is also a link to a book "Surviving an Affair". I think that book might be helpful to you.

In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is what you do when you first find out about the affair. The author suggests that Plan A last for about 2 weeks. You are beyond that stage. Plan B is about the same as the 180. The idea is that it is time for you to protect yourself while the affair is in progress. 

Now on the topic of you meeting your husband's needs. From the additional info you gave about your husband leaving his practice as a lawyer to work for far too little money to support you and your children, his weight problems, etc. it's pretty clear that he has not been a happy camper all these years. I don't mean not happy with you and your marriage. I mean not happy with himself.

He has probably felt inadequate and sucked it up. In this life, people are responsible for their own happiness. There is probably nothing that you could have done to 'fix' him. That was up to him. My bet is that what happened with this affair was that I has allowed him to return mentally to 15/16 years old where he had no responsibilities. The entire affair is a fantasy because he's back to a childhood love, has no real responsibilities to her. So being with her is just fun and a huge ego stroke. He does not have to look at her and feel like he let down a supportive/loving wife and a lot of children.

Affairs are about living a fantasy. The more you back out of his life and put pressure on his affair to fill his needs, the more likely that the affair will crash. See, his affair partner start this affair agreeing to take on all responsibility like a wife does. Once all of that responsibility is dumped on her, once he has to pay you alimony and child support and share all assets 50/50 with you, the more likely it is that she will run for the hills.

Get the book. It explains all of this.


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## EleGirl

browser said:


> I'm thinking those hurt and betrayed men would respond angrily and defensively to someone suggesting they were cheated on because they screwed up, as compared to, say, offering support and useful advice.


I agree.


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## 225985

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## browser

blueinbr said:


> Again, he NEVER suggested OP was at fault for the cheating. He suggested she look into her role in the martial dynamics.


The suggestion was subtle, but it was there. "Your husband cheated and is leaving on you. What might YOU have done differently to prevent this". 



blueinbr said:


> Let's not make this into a gender war. He's not obligated to post in other threads.


I believe the suggestion that he post his inflammatory and hurtful comments towards other betrayed husbands was a dose of dry sarcasm that slipped by even me the first read through.


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## WorkingOnMe

EleGirl said:


> Please be sure to bring this skepticism to play in the many threads we get here on TAM with men whose wives have cheated no them. It would be interesting to see that happen on TAM.



I have. Several times. In fact, you have posted this same thing to me before. I guess I'm just not one of the people who believes "everything" is the cheater's fault. I do believe that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. But I also believe that both spouses have a part in creating the environment that it happened in. Man or woman.

I also find it interesting that a lot of people say that if you're in a bad marriage then you should leave before cheating. But when people come on here saying they left or a spouse has their spouse leave, then they're still the bad guy.


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## Satya

I think it depends on a lot of context that we simply don't get here.
I've known people who have been cheated on and have done absolutely nothing to warrant such behavior from their spouse.
I've known people who have been cheated on and have been less than exemplary spouses and refuse to see their own part in how things fell apart.

There are REAL victims and there are self-proclaimed victims.

We really don't have the ability to clearly see the full circumstances of a situation. We usually only get one side... if lucky, we get two. So really, everything needs to be taken with a grain of salt... but this is an internet forum. Sides will be taken and stories will only be partially complete. I think we just do the best we can with what we have... and moderators hopefully keep the board open to all opinions.


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## browser

WorkingOnMe said:


> I have. Several times. In fact, you have posted this same thing to me before. I guess I'm just not one of the people who believes "everything" is the cheater's fault. I do believe that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. But I also believe that both spouses have a part in creating the environment that it happened in. Man or woman.


 @WorkingOnMe

You're not wrong. Both partners usually have a part in creating the environment that led to the downfall of the relationship. Not always but much of the time. 

Where you go astray is in your timing and your assumption that it's always the case that both partners are guilty in some way and EVEN if you are correct, what good does it do for this poor woman who has been left by a cheating husband who has gone back to an old girlfriend and say to her "try to examine your role in all of this because it will make you a better person" or whatever way you happen to put it.

She is not in a place where your blaming, condescending attitude will do her any good, and it's rather appalling that you continue to defend your position as if you truly believe you're actually helping people by continuing to blame them for their problems when there's absolutely nothing they can do about it at the moment.


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## 225985

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## BetrayedDad

28years said:


> My husband and I have been married 27 years this July and together for a total of 28 years. Perfect marriage no but good marriage yes or so I thought. My husband came home to me on his birthday stood in our bedroom door and told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. I was in complete and udder shock. There were no warning signs two weeks prior to this he was sending me love songs and telling me how he could love me forever and how easy it was because of what a beautiful person I was. He told me that he was a coward over the last 25 years and that he had realized I wasn't the girl for him but could never bring himself to tell me. We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. Then a month after he dropped this bomb on me he went on to tell me how he called his girlfriend of 30 years ago that he dated when he was 15 to 16 and that he just called her to apologize for breaking her heart, and then he told her that he had thought of her on and off throughout our marriage. He told me that he knows the right thing to is stay with me but he can not help the way he feels. He loves me deeply but he feels like the world could fall out from under him when he is with her. Our sex life was good, we talked about everything and anything, or so I thought. Everyone we know is in complete shock because they thought he adored the ground I walked on we were best friends and I am in disbelief. Fast forward five months he is now in a sexual relationship with her and she is married but separated herself. I believe in marriage and that it is a sacrament. I wanted to go to counseling but the minute he knew he would have to give her up he said he could not hurt her like that again. I know I should be angry and disgusted with his infidelity but all I can think about is the time I have invested in this relationship. We invested so much and were making plans for our retirement. He asked me to file for divorce and I refused stating that it is not what I want. He has not filed yet but has expressed to me he cant live with this other woman if he is married to me which is a laughable considering he is having sex with her while he is married to me. We live separately because we were relocating to another state. I am so depressed and am still in shock over what is going on in my life. Its almost like PTSD. Our kids are all angry and have lost respect for their father but they love him. He was an excellent father and husband I just am having trouble digesting what is going on. I feel as if my life has been a big lie and that I have been cheated. Any advise is welcomed positive or negative.


Fairly common unfortunately....

Bored spouse looks up old girlfriend / boyfriend on social media, they start reminiscing, remembering all the "good times", start to lust after each other and next thing you know they are throwing their entire marriage(s) down the toilet for some teenage infatuation.

Your husband is 1) A FOOL, 2) IMMATURE and 3) A LYING SACK OF ****. He doesn't love you and only tells you that so he can use you as plan B in case the high school ho doesn't work out.

I'm sorry you were duped for so long but make no mistake, you were DUPED. The WORST thing you can do is give him another chance. File for divorce and let him have the trash.


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## urf

BetrayedDad said:


> Fairly common unfortunately....
> 
> Bored spouse looks up old girlfriend / boyfriend on social media, they start reminiscing, remembering all the "good times", start to lust after each other and next thing you know they are throwing their entire marriage(s) down the toilet for some teenage infatuation.
> 
> You're husband is 1) A FOOL, 2) IMMATURE and 3) A LYING SACK OF ****. He doesn't love you and only tells you that so he can use you as plan B in case the high school ho doesn't work out.
> 
> I'm sorry you were duped for so long but make no mistake, you were DUPED. The WORST thing you can do is give him another chance. File for divorce and let him have the trash.


Did I hear mention that the husband was a lawyer? That would cover 1,2 and 3 pretty well.


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## browser

blueinbr said:


> Yes, it is helping her to ask her to consider how the marriage was prior to husband cheating. It is relevant and timely. And necessary if OP decided to R.


I guess you missed the part where the Ops husband is leaving her and has the new girlfriend (which was an old girlfriend) and who has no intention of returning. 

What do you expect her to do, throw herself at his feet an apologize for all the things she did wrong in the relationship and beg him to leave his girlfriend and come back to her?



blueinbr said:


> Attempts to stifle advice you deem different does not help. If you think the advice is against forum rules or unsupportive of the OP, use the report function. A mod is already here.


Unfortunately there's no forum rule against giving bad advice.


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## 28years

Yes the state he lives in is a no fault state and I have been advised to let him file first because I am indigent. He does not want us to go through attorneys because he says they would make us hate one another. He says that he wants to go to mediation with me because he cant stand the thought of never talking with me and that we need to maintain some kind of connection different from the one we had 5 months ago because we have children and one day they'll get married and have grandchildren and we need to be able to share that together. I just think he concerned about providing a life with the new gf , its funny he actually said that we should meet that we would be friends cause we have a lot in common. I think NOT I myself would never do this to another woman.


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## Ursula

First off, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Without reading any of the replies, I would say to count your lucky stars that he chose to reveal this to you when he did instead of waiting another number of years. Not saying that this is right, but if I were you I would file for divorce; do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?


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## EleGirl

WorkingOnMe said:


> I have. Several times. In fact, you have posted this same thing to me before. I guess I'm just not one of the people who believes "everything" is the cheater's fault. I do believe that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. But I also believe that both spouses have a part in creating the environment that it happened in. Man or woman.
> 
> I also find it interesting that a lot of people say that if you're in a bad marriage then you should leave before cheating. But when people come on here saying they left or a spouse has their spouse leave, then they're still the bad guy.


I basically agree with this. The only person responsible for cheating, is the cheater. But that often when a person cheats it's because some need of theirs is not being met by their spouse. However, it does not always mean that the BS was a bad spouse. Sometimes people have needs that no spouse could every meet.

I don't see anyone calling the OP's husband a bad guy for leaving her. We don't know the dynamics of the relationship and what is driving him. The issue is not that he has decided that he would be better divorce, the issue is his cheating.


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## 28years

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't necessarily think any differently. I just hope that you can be introspective and try to examine your part of the marriage dynamic. Maybe not. Maybe you are a saint who was simply blindsided.


I noticed that you are currently married and you have been married for as many years as myself. I'm still married by the way even if my husband is acting as if he's not. Would you tell your current wife if you had these feelings or lack of feelings for her at this point in your marriage or would you have addressed them 25 years ago before you both decided to have children? I am by no means perfect and I'm sure there are many ways I could have improved my self in my marriage, but I am not a mind reader. I could not have addressed this issue with my husband if it was not presented to me. I noticed your name so I know that you must understand the concept of being a work in progress. I would not know this in the way you seem to be attacking me with your undertones of pointing the finger. I asked for all in put but you could be a little less critical of me and try to help me to understand your point of view. You have the ability to help someone in a positive manner to make sense of a horrible situation be it what I would want to hear or not but your just plain mean and unthoughtful.


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## EleGirl

28years said:


> Yes the state he lives in is a no fault state and I have been advised to let him file first because I am indigent. He does not want us to go through attorneys because he says they would make us hate one another. He says that he wants to go to mediation with me because he cant stand the thought of never talking with me and that we need to maintain some kind of connection different from the one we had 5 months ago because we have children and one day they'll get married and have grandchildren and we need to be able to share that together. I just think he concerned about providing a life with the new gf , its funny he actually said that we should meet that we would be friends cause we have a lot in common. I think NOT I myself would never do this to another woman.


What are the laws like where he is moving in regards to alimony, child support, and assets? Basically is he going to get a much better settlement because of this move? If so, you can file where you live now and the laws of where you live now will determine the outcome of the divorce.

Of course he does no want to have your own representation. He wants to control you and the outcome of the divorce. 

You can have attorneys and still remain on speaking terms. All you have to do is to tell your attorneys that you do not want a big fight.

You said that he earns less than 30K a year. Is really anything to fight over anyway?

I agree with your not wanting to meet this woman. I'd put a stop to that nonsense in a heart beat.


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## Ursula

It takes two to make it; it takes two to break it!



blueinbr said:


> Again, he NEVER suggested OP was at fault for the cheating. He suggested she look into her role in the martial dynamics. This is a requirement if there is any hope for a R.


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## GuyInColorado

How much does he weigh now? Did he lose a bunch of weight and think he can get a better looking wife now? Does he get skin removal surgery?

What a bizarre story... an attorney that can't handle the stress and goes to a $30k job and loses everything? That doesn't make any sense. How is losing your house and living paycheck to paycheck not more stressful?


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## EleGirl

blueinbr said:


> Are you saying she contributed to the failed marriage?


Let's stop the thread jack about whether or not a betrayed spouse is responsible for causing their spouse to cheat. If you and others want to discuss this, start your own thread. 

Yes, it is always good for a person to look at their contribution to marital problems. But that is not going to help the OP deal with the fact that her husband has moved on with another woman and going to divorce her. She needs to get through the immediate issues in her life.

Continuing arguments between posters about this topic will grounds for some time-out bans.

{speaking as a moderator}


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## 28years

Ursula said:


> It takes two to make it; it takes two to break it!


I agree but you have to be honest with your partner about your feelings and unfortunately for me my husband told me he was a coward and was fearful of losing me if he told me the truth 25 years ago. He was right I spent more than half my life with someone who lead me to believe that he loved me. Had I been faced with his truth we may or may not have remained together. It would have been then that it would take two to make it or break it. Thank you for your point of view I know that any marriage takes work and growth and I accept any down falls on my part but I was at least honest about my true feelings good or bad throughout the marriage.


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## EleGirl

28years,

You don't work outside the home do you? Have you looked into getting any kind of training, or a job?

If he is divorcing you, why are you moving to the state where is he now?


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## BetrayedDad

GuyInColorado said:


> What a bizarre story... an attorney that can't handle the stress and goes to a $30k job and loses everything? That doesn't make any sense.


Funny, you just read my mind. Don't forget, a family of 7 too....


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## Evinrude58

28years said:


> Yes the state he lives in is a no fault state and I have been advised to let him file first because I am indigent. He does not want us to go through attorneys because he says they would make us hate one another. He says that he wants to go to mediation with me because he cant stand the thought of never talking with me and that we need to maintain some kind of connection different from the one we had 5 months ago because we have children and one day they'll get married and have grandchildren and we need to be able to share that together. I just think he concerned about providing a life with the new gf , its funny he actually said that we should meet that we would be friends cause we have a lot in common. I think NOT I myself would never do this to another woman.


Please, for the love of God, do NOT LISTEN to your cheating husband. He's made it clear by his actions that his interests lie ONLY with HIMSELF. He does not care about your well-being, no matter what he SAYS.
You need to get a lawyer, take him to court, and get what is fair. I think in this case, since he is claiming that he never loved you (he tricked you into marrying him), that you deserve MORE than an equal portion of assets. And I wouldn't say that very often.

HOWEVER, please don't accept from your despicable, low character husband that he never loved you. I truly don't think that is even in the ballpark of being true. It's possible, but unlikely. He wasn't forced to marry you. He loved you and wanted to marry you. Cheaters can't stand the fact that they have no honor. They have to justify the cheating to THEMSELVES, which is impossible if they admit to themselves that they loved you EVER. It's incredibly, fantastically common for cheaters to say this and it's TOTAL BS. My ex wife told me this. Told me that I always loved her more than she loved me. LOL, I guess that's why for 4 years when I wouldn't ask her to marry me, she literally begged me to marry her. 

DOn't listen to your self-serving soon-to-be-ex husband (I hope, for your sake). 
Get a lawyer, get what you deserve in this divorce. I believe everything he suggests you do and sign will be for his benefit, not yours. It's not like he hasn't shown you that you don't matter to him.

Betrayed DAD has it exactly correct: He always had interest in his ex gf. He contacted her or she contacted him, they both still had feelings, he developed this fantasy in his head, and decided to divorce you. 
Based on what happened here with an ex and what you said he told you, I truly don't think you are at fault whatsoever . 

I assure you that if you were at fault even a little, his little cheating mind would amplify your faults in the marriage x 1000 so that he could justify his own rotten actions even more.

Hold your head up. Divorce this "man". Move on and find a good, loyal man.

I know giving up the hope that your life will go back to pre-infidelity is hard, acceptance is hard. But that is what you need--- acceptance. ONce you accept this as reallity, you will almost immediately get better and happier.

Praying for you and hoping your pain leaves you as soon as possible.


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## browser

never mind


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## 28years

EleGirl said:


> What are the laws like where he is moving in regards to alimony, child support, and assets? Basically is he going to get a much better settlement because of this move? If so, you can file where you live now and the laws of where you live now will determine the outcome of the divorce.
> 
> Of course he does no want to have your own representation. He wants to control you and the outcome of the divorce.
> 
> You can have attorneys and still remain on speaking terms. All you have to do is to tell your attorneys that you do not want a big fight.
> 
> You said that he earns less than 30K a year. Is really anything to fight over anyway?
> 
> I agree with your not wanting to meet this woman. I'd put a stop to that nonsense in a heart beat.


Hi Elegirl,

Thank you for you input on my situation I believe you are right about my husband trying to control the outcome of the divorce. I am by no means trying to bash my husband even though he himself told me that he lied to me about the way he loved me for the last 28 years. I love my husband and he has expressed to me that this is difficult for him because he loves me deeply even if it is not the way I warrant. He did earn 30 thousand a year but has since relocated and works making over 75 thousand a year. I had my reservations about coming on to this site but figured it would help me to let go of the man I thought I was in love with. I just feel myself slipping into this depression and the doctors are quick to hand out a pill to you for depression and anxiety. I just wanted to talk with possible people who have gone through a similar situation that could share with me one side or the other if you can understand. Its so easy to play the blame game but its not really about that for me its like death. I am losing the love of my life, someone I admired and had so much respect for and that I believed loved me just a genuinely as I love him. I mean I chose to bring five human beings into this world with this person. My kids were not just a product of my marriage they were thought out and discussed and wanted by both of us. I'm just trying to understand how I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself. I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him. Maybe this was a bad idea for me. Thank you so much for your kindness and valuable input.


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## WorkingOnMe

28years said:


> I noticed that you are currently married and you have been married for as many years as myself. I'm still married by the way even if my husband is acting as if he's not. Would you tell your current wife if you had these feelings or lack of feelings for her at this point in your marriage or would you have addressed them 25 years ago before you both decided to have children? I am by no means perfect and I'm sure there are many ways I could have improved my self in my marriage, but I am not a mind reader. I could not have addressed this issue with my husband if it was not presented to me. I noticed your name so I know that you must understand the concept of being a work in progress. I would not know this in the way you seem to be attacking me with your undertones of pointing the finger. I asked for all in put but you could be a little less critical of me and try to help me to understand your point of view. You have the ability to help someone in a positive manner to make sense of a horrible situation be it what I would want to hear or not but your just plain mean and unthoughtful.




I'm sorry you feel attacked by my questions. I'll stop talking now.


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## mary35

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, 28years! You should consult with a lawyer and see what your rights are and what protections you should have in place for you and your kids. I tend to agree with the advice EleGirl has given you about moving forward with the divorce and letting him and the OW face the real world instead of living in a fantasy world. 

You have done all you can to support him in your marriage. This affair is all on him - and is about his issues, not yours. You need to protect yourself and your children now. You can treat him with respect and dignity, but you don't have to go along with what he tells you to do. Carefully weigh your decisions and choices and do what is best for you. 

You can't control him, or change him, but you can show him what he is loosing - and that's you and his family life. Give him a strong dose of reality. He seems to have this fantasy that you are still going to be in his life as a friend and in a way he can have both of you - and a happy family. Time to blow his fantasy up!

Good luck


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## Evinrude58

Yes, do not lower your dignity by even acknowledging the presence/existence of this sad person that contributed to the breakup of a 28 year marriage involving 5 children. A person of character would just say no matter what that they wanted no part in that. You would like her? You had things in common with her? Yeah, you have something in common with her, alright. ANd it's something no wife would want to have in common.

I hope you stay here and get some input from people who have been through this before. It's the toughest thing there is in life.
ANd it is very similar to a death, but it's worse in my opinion because every time you see or think about that person, it all comes back in your mind, and is reinforced because you are physically having to look at the person going on with their life like YOU are the one that died.

You can get past this. It's awful. But He has other plans for your life, and it's likely something better than you could ever imagine. That's my hope, anyway.


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## 28years

EleGirl said:


> See the link to the 180 in my signature block below.
> 
> In my signature block there is also a link to a book "Surviving an Affair". I think that book might be helpful to you.
> 
> In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is what you do when you first find out about the affair. The author suggests that Plan A last for about 2 weeks. You are beyond that stage. Plan B is about the same as the 180. The idea is that it is time for you to protect yourself while the affair is in progress.
> 
> Now on the topic of you meeting your husband's needs. From the additional info you gave about your husband leaving his practice as a lawyer to work for far too little money to support you and your children, his weight problems, etc. it's pretty clear that he has not been a happy camper all these years. I don't mean not happy with you and your marriage. I mean not happy with himself.
> 
> He has probably felt inadequate and sucked it up. In this life, people are responsible for their own happiness. There is probably nothing that you could have done to 'fix' him. That was up to him. My bet is that what happened with this affair was that I has allowed him to return mentally to 15/16 years old where he had no responsibilities. The entire affair is a fantasy because he's back to a childhood love, has no real responsibilities to her. So being with her is just fun and a huge ego stroke. He does not have to look at her and feel like he let down a supportive/loving wife and a lot of children.
> 
> Affairs are about living a fantasy. The more you back out of his life and put pressure on his affair to fill his needs, the more likely that the affair will crash. See, his affair partner start this affair agreeing to take on all responsibility like a wife does. Once all of that responsibility is dumped on her, once he has to pay you alimony and child support and share all assets 50/50 with you, the more likely it is that she will run for the hills.
> 
> Get the book. It explains all of this.


Thank you I think this is what I was thinking about when I came on here. Your absolutely correct and he himself said it to me. Thank you! This was very helpful to me.


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## 28years

GuyInColorado said:


> How much does he weigh now? Did he lose a bunch of weight and think he can get a better looking wife now? Does he get skin removal surgery?
> 
> What a bizarre story... an attorney that can't handle the stress and goes to a $30k job and loses everything? That doesn't make any sense. How is losing your house and living paycheck to paycheck not more stressful?


Hi Guyincolorado, 

Yes he did end up losing a lot of weight and is very active now. He should have never gotten his degree in law because it was not what he wanted to do in life he did it to please his parents. I always encouraged him to do what he wanted but he had to learn the hard way I suppose. He is not the type of guy who cares about looks or at least that's what I believed but I was wrong about my whole marriage so at this point I just don't know. He has not had skin removal surgery. It is a bizarre story funny but when we were living paycheck to paycheck it was stressful but we were happy. He was happy with his job choice and my kids were happy even though we did not have much we had our family. I know now that he was still not happy because of my current situation but he never reveled his truth to me.


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## EleGirl

28years said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Thank you for you input on my situation I believe you are right about my husband trying to control the outcome of the divorce. I am by no means trying to bash my husband even though he himself told me that he lied to me about the way he loved me for the last 28 years. I love my husband and he has expressed to me that this is difficult for him because he loves me deeply even if it is not the way I warrant. He did earn 30 thousand a year but has since relocated and works making over 75 thousand a year. I had my reservations about coming on to this site but figured it would help me to let go of the man I thought I was in love with. I just feel myself slipping into this depression and the doctors are quick to hand out a pill to you for depression and anxiety. I just wanted to talk with possible people who have gone through a similar situation that could share with me one side or the other if you can understand. Its so easy to play the blame game but its not really about that for me its like death. I am losing the love of my life, someone I admired and had so much respect for and that I believed loved me just a genuinely as I love him. I mean I chose to bring five human beings into this world with this person. My kids were not just a product of my marriage they were thought out and discussed and wanted by both of us. I'm just trying to understand how I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself. I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him. Maybe this was a bad idea for me. Thank you so much for your kindness and valuable input.


Many of us here have been through similar situations. That's both the men and women who post here. So we get what you are going through.

The meds the docs want to give you are not a bad idea for a short time, 6 months or so. What you are going through is a situational depression. It's normal. The drugs get rid of the depression so that you can handle the hell thrown at you and get moving in the right direction. If you don't want to try the drugs, you can exercise. Some studies say that exercise is as effective as the drugs. And you could try the over-the-counter supplement Sam-E. In Europe it's used instead of anti-depressants all the time.

Right now you need to turn your focus to yourself. What do you need? What will make you feel healthier and get rid of the depression.

Do you have a good support system? Do you have family and friends that you can lean on? If not you need to build a support system. 

And you need to take care of your children.

You have flown on an airplane, right? Do you recall what they tell parents who are flying with a small child? They say for the parent to put their own oxygen mask on first. Then after that put it on the child. Why? Because if they put it on the child first, the parent will pass out from lack of oxygen before they can get the mask on the child. So the parent and the child will both pass out and eventually die. 

It's the same thing here. The best way for you to take care of your children, is for you to take care of yourself first. They need a strong mother, more so now than ever.


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## EleGirl

About your husband saying that he did not love you all this time. I doubt that it true. It's called re-writing history. Almost every cheater does it. The book I suggested for you to read discusses this in detail. Basically, a person's mind will re-write history to justify their current actions. Changes in brain chemistry that occur when they fall for their affair partner is what causes this. It's so common that there is a name for it... the "affair fog".

Your husband probably did love you all those years. The affair is keeping his brain so fogged up that he cannot see out of that fog. My bet is that one day the OW is going to dump his behind, his fog will clear over time and he will be left wondering what the hell hit him that he gave up his wife and children.


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## 2ntnuf

I did not read your thread. I read your opening post and was just browsing when I noticed how long it is and that you seem not to have changed much. You are hurting. You are angry. You are sad to lose the dream you believed. You are distraught because you wonder what the hell you are going to do now. You thought you had it all figured out and all was well. You had your helper, husband, friend, and lover for 28 years, yet he was not who you thought he was, or he changed while you were living the life you wanted.

Do those sort of describe your feelings? 




28years said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> 
> Thank you for you input on my situation I believe you are right about my husband trying to control the outcome of the divorce. I am by no means trying to bash my husband even though he himself told me that he lied to me about the way he loved me for the last 28 years.


What happened? Why aren't you mad at him? It's okay to be mad at him. Depression is anger we turn inward on ourselves. You must realize it wasn't your decisions to do this. Your husband had options. He chose what he did for personal reasons, which tend to vary from person to person, but follow a pattern.




28years said:


> I love my husband and he has expressed to me that this is difficult for him because he loves me deeply even if it is not the way I warrant. He did earn 30 thousand a year but has since relocated and works making over 75 thousand a year. I had my reservations about coming on to this site but figured it would help me to let go of the man I thought I was in love with.


Did you or have you been doing the 180? Have you exercised regularly? You don't have to lift weights. You can start walking or anything that is easy at first. Ask you doctor for a plan. 

It seems you have been ruminating over what you did to cause this. Is that so? You did nothing to cause this. He was not man enough to walk out when he should have. He used you to be able to stay with the children and avoid child support payments, while planning his eventual escape. He is heartless and does not deserve another thought.

Whatever "you did", it wasn't enough for him to do this to you. This isn't the way you treat folks. Doesn't matter what happened in the marriage. 

Again, he had choices and could have done other things. He chose to do this and forced himself to lose love for you because he could not man up and take responsibility for his feelings about his commitment to the marriage. He could easily have divorced.





28years said:


> I just feel myself slipping into this depression and the doctors are quick to hand out a pill to you for depression and anxiety.


Of course you are slipping. You've been told all the things you did to deserve what you are dealing with. It isn't true. You did nothing to deserve this kind of revenge, punishment, retribution, judgement. 

They know pills will help in the short term and the long term if that becomes necessary. Many who start them are weaned off after they get through some of this and feel stronger. 

My advice is for you to go as soon as possible and talk with a phd level psychologist. You need the help. You have been "beaten up" at home and here. You were harmed by infidelity and then harmed by those who intended to help you understand from their point of view. 

You have to start getting rid of the depression. Exercise and eating right will help. Get to a psychologist and talk. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help, if it is recommended. 

Make an appointment today or tomorrow. Do not wait. You need to start healing. 





28years said:


> I just wanted to talk with possible people who have gone through a similar situation that could share with me one side or the other if you can understand. Its so easy to play the blame game but its not really about that for me its like death.


It feels like death. Your brain is in deep denial. You need to realize he was not good for you. If he was, he would have been honest with you and open. Life goes on. Life can be good after divorce. You have to make it good, just as you made your home good in the past. You are key to that. It's very tough right now because you are confused and it's fresh. 

You may well have ptsd. You need help with that from a professional.





28years said:


> I am losing the love of my life, someone I admired and had so much respect for and that I believed loved me just a genuinely as I love him.


You were mistaken. It's easy to fall in love and believe what you create in your mind, while choosing to ignore the little signs along the way. What you respected was a ghost or vision of him, which you created, in your mind. It was not real, or he would have done what you expected. Since he did not, that is proof enough that it was a belief you desired so much, you created. 

That doesn't mean you are crazy. We all do it to some extent. Some of us, like me, can be fooled into believing as you do. It's hell to get out of. That's why I suggest seeing someone, a phd level psychologist. 






28years said:


> I mean I chose to bring five human beings into this world with this person. My kids were not just a product of my marriage they were thought out and discussed and wanted by both of us. I'm just trying to understand how I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself.


He isn't the man you thought. You believed in someone who never existed. Yes, you and he both wanted children. It was thought out. Good thing it was. You could be in much worse shape to divorce. 

You don't need to blame yourself. It is his choices that got you here. He cheated. He wants to divorce. He deceived you for years. He could have been honest many times. I'm sure there were opportunities. He didn't take them cause he was more concerned about losing his money and seeing his children less. He could not man up and accept who he was. He had to deceive himself many times for this to work. 

He had to choose, each and every time he was angry, or hurt, whether to say something and own up to his feelings, beliefs and goals. He chose to live his lie. It was not your lie. You were all in, as best you could. 

Take solace in that. You did what you knew to do and was honestly in love with him. All he did was not out of love for you and had to bug him endlessly. He tortured himself and now he is torturing you and placing the blame where it does not belong. 





28years said:


> I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him. Maybe this was a bad idea for me. Thank you so much for your kindness and valuable input.


Get some help 28! You will feel better eventually. It takes time, work, some love for yourself and forgiveness for your lifelong mistake of believing your efforts were for you both. 

In the end, we do things for ourselves. Yes, we do. Think about when you had a special party for someone who did not ask for it. Wasn't that for you as much as for them? Didn't what you did make you feel good about yourself? See what I mean? 

Hang in there. Find that phd level psychologist and get some help as soon as you can. Don't let this go. You are not alone in this. Others have gone through something like it. Don't give up.


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## Blondilocks

Your husband is telling you awful things in an attempt to justify his crappy behavior. Just go back and read your posts and you will see that:

a. he has always loved you (why would he be afraid of losing you 25 years ago if he didn't love you?)
b. two weeks before he dropped the bomb he was professing how much and how easy it was to love you
c. would a man have 5 children with a woman he didn't love and wasn't attracted to?
d. you need to file for divorce!
e. you need to tell him that you will not be 'friends'; you will not be hosting joint birthday parties; you will not be inviting him and his new Mrs to Thanksgiving and Christmas
f. you will not be celebrating any occasion with him and his *****
g. he will need to navigate his own relationships with his children as you will not advocate for him
h. you will not talk to him as you will require he keep all communication to e-mail so you will have a record
i. you will not consider taking him back because you won't have a liar and a cheat for a husband - you deserve better

Make sure you tell him that you will be consulting an attorney to determine how much alimony and child support he will have to cough up. Now, get mad! Get mad dog mad and make him understand that he doesn't get to **** on you & expect you to ask for 'more, please'.


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## 2ntnuf

Plumb Mad Dog Mean


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## 28years

Thank you 2ntnuf. I am working on me I go to the gym and do Zumba and have just started kick boxing fitness. I am trying to move forward even though it is my belief that God put my husband and I together for a reason. I am not ashamed that I believe in the sacrament of marriage but I understand that I am not the adulteress here. I am starting counseling with a therapist that my husband and I went to when he revealed that he had started an emotional affair with the OW. You have made a lot of valid points that I will probably read over more than once. I know my husband well and I know that he is infatuated with his fantasy love of this woman. But I also know that I can not allow him to treat me this way and if I allow this treatment then the only one I have to blame is myself. Hopefully this forum will give me the push I need. I just wish this was a dream but unfortunately for me and my kids its our reality. Thanks again


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## 28years

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband is telling you awful things in an attempt to justify his crappy behavior. Just go back and read your posts and you will see that:
> 
> a. he has always loved you (why would he be afraid of losing you 25 years ago if he didn't love you?)
> b. two weeks before he dropped the bomb he was professing how much and how easy it was to love you
> c. would a man have 5 children with a woman he didn't love and wasn't attracted to?
> d. you need to file for divorce!
> e. you need to tell him that you will not be 'friends'; you will not be hosting joint birthday parties; you will not be inviting him and his new Mrs to Thanksgiving and Christmas
> f. you will not be celebrating any occasion with him and his *****
> g. he will need to navigate his own relationships with his children as you will not advocate for him
> h. you will not talk to him as you will require he keep all communication to e-mail so you will have a record
> i. you will not consider taking him back because you won't have a liar and a cheat for a husband - you deserve better
> 
> Make sure you tell him that you will be consulting an attorney to determine how much alimony and child support he will have to cough up. Now, get mad! Get mad dog mad and make him understand that he doesn't get to **** on you & expect you to ask for 'more, please'.


Wow that was powerful! Why do you think that I am not mad at him? I know I should be soooo angry I guess this is a question for Thursday with the counselor. Thank you I am really starting to feel empowered from the encouragement.


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## TheTruthHurts

Could be a brain tumor


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## Hope Shimmers

I don't think you have reached the 'anger' stage yet. The stages of grief or loss are:

1) Shock/denial
2) Pain
3) Anger/bargaining
4) Depression/loneliness
5) The upward turn
6) Reconstruction
7) Acceptance

They don't necessarily happen in that order, and people can go backwards after moving forward, but after 28 years it's going to take you awhile to get there. I think you are in stages 1 and 2 now. The anger will come.


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## Evinrude58

You are so emotionally blown up that you are probably too numb to feel the appropriate emotions.

As said, it will eventually come.


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## aine

WorkingOnMe said:


> I have. Several times. In fact, you have posted this same thing to me before. I guess I'm just not one of the people who believes "everything" is the cheater's fault. I do believe that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. But I also believe that both spouses have a part in creating the environment that it happened in. Man or woman.
> 
> I also find it interesting that a lot of people say that if you're in a bad marriage then you should leave before cheating. But when people come on here saying they left or a spouse has their spouse leave, then they're still the bad guy.


I agree with you, both parties contribute to the marriage dynamics but for God's sake this woman is hurting, do the few of you guys really have to jump in and immediately identify her as the cause of it? You really don't have a clue. Don't you think she has been pondering this over and over? It sounds to me, he doesn't want the responsibility and found an opportunity to dump wife and family and live like a teenager again. He is having a mid life crisis from which he will wake up and perhaps it will be too late.


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## aine

GuyInColorado said:


> How much does he weigh now? Did he lose a bunch of weight and think he can get a better looking wife now? Does he get skin removal surgery?
> 
> What a bizarre story... an attorney that can't handle the stress and goes to a $30k job and loses everything? That doesn't make any sense. How is losing your house and living paycheck to paycheck not more stressful?


To my mind it says a lot about the type of man he is, he is a teenager in a man's body.


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## aine

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband is telling you awful things in an attempt to justify his crappy behavior. Just go back and read your posts and you will see that:
> 
> a. he has always loved you (why would he be afraid of losing you 25 years ago if he didn't love you?)
> b. two weeks before he dropped the bomb he was professing how much and how easy it was to love you
> c. would a man have 5 children with a woman he didn't love and wasn't attracted to?
> d. you need to file for divorce!
> e. *you need to tell him that you will not be 'friends'; you will not be hosting joint birthday parties; you will not be inviting him and his new Mrs to Thanksgiving and Christmas
> f. you will not be celebrating any occasion with him and his *****
> g. he will need to navigate his own relationships with his children as you will not advocate for him
> h. you will not talk to him as you will require he keep all communication to e-mail so you will have a record*
> i. you will not consider taking him back because you won't have a liar and a cheat for a husband - you deserve better
> 
> Make sure you tell him that you will be consulting an attorney to determine how much alimony and child support he will have to cough up. Now, get mad! Get mad dog mad and make him understand that he doesn't get to **** on you & expect you to ask for 'more, please'.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
in particular with the bolded.

He has ran over you with a juggernaut and wants to be "friends", even enemies do not treat their enemies like this. You must go no contact completely, let him feel and see what it is like to not have you in his life (do the 180 hard), let him be responsible for his own relationships with the children, if they do not want a relationship with him then that is HIS problem, not yours. Take care of yourself and act like he no longer exists, you must put yourself first from here on out.

He thinks he can simply walk into a breezy life with the OW and not have to deal with the wreckage he has left in his wake, don't make it easy for him.


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## aine

28years said:


> Wow that was powerful! Why do you think that I am not mad at him? I know I should be soooo angry I guess this is a question for Thursday with the counselor. Thank you I am really starting to feel empowered from the encouragement.


You haven't got to the anger stage yet because you are in a state of shock at the reality of what he has done. No doubt the anger will come, then the grief, it is a cycle.


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## 3Xnocharm

aine said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> in particular with the bolded.
> 
> *He has ran over you with a juggernaut and wants to be "friends", *even enemies do not treat their enemies like this. You must go no contact completely, let him feel and see what it is like to not have you in his life (do the 180 hard), let him be responsible for his own relationships with the children, if they do not want a relationship with him then that is HIS problem, not yours. Take care of yourself and act like he no longer exists, you must put yourself first from here on out.
> 
> He thinks he can simply walk into a breezy life with the OW and not have to deal with the wreckage he has left in his wake, don't make it easy for him.


100% typical cheater approach. They dont want to be the "bad guy," they want you to be okay with them so that they dont have to deal with what a lowlife they really are. They dont want to have to face the fact that they ripped out your heart and destroyed your family. 

Tell him to go to hell.


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## 2ntnuf

I think, because he treated you well enough that you felt safe planning for future events like children, dreaming of and maybe planning for retirement, purchasing things and doing things that were meant to last,...... 

..........and the fact that you may have had a clue, but refused to see it and pushed it way back in some deep recess of your mind, then you filled in the blanks with warm thoughts and voila!..........

You have this neat little package of memory and proof that allowed you to stay and be happy. 

It's called denial, not, the Nile, mind you. It's powerful with those like you and me that believed while seeing things, having gut feelings, and/or hearing things that we should have followed up on, but didn't want to believe so we would not lose what we had. 

Sometimes I wonder if I was treated so badly in the past, even with my parents(though, I think with them it would just have been a lack of attention or importance), that the little bit I got felt like a mountain. I haven't explored that in counseling yet. I will ask soon.

Do you know how hard it is to screw up like that, soooo big, realize, hear it, accept that it happened, when you are hurting so badly? 

I believe that is where the anger is directed from toward yourself. "How could I **** up so badly?!"


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## Blondilocks

Why can't it be that he had an important birthday (important to him) approaching and decided he wanted to play 'what if' so he looked up his high school girlfriend. Then, he decided he wanted a do-over and to hell with everyone else because he 'deserved' to be happy because he is a special snowflake and him and ex-gf have a lurve that was unrequited and God wants them to be together for all time because the world will stop spinning on it's axis if they don't **** and **** often.

Yeah, mid-life crisis and a serious case of me-itis. He doesn't know what unhappy is but he will when his little head stops dictating to his big head.

As she said, their marriage wasn't perfect but that doesn't mean she had a niggling thought in the back of her mind that he settled for her. Or, that he was putting on a good act of being happy.

I'll bet dollars to donuts that he had contacted the ex-gf long before he dropped the bomb on OP.


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## 2ntnuf

Blondilocks said:


> Why can't it be that he had an important birthday (important to him) approaching and decided he wanted to play 'what if' so he looked up his high school girlfriend. Then, he decided he wanted a do-over and to hell with everyone else because he 'deserved' to be happy because he is a special snowflake and him and ex-gf have a lurve that was unrequited and God wants them to be together for all time because the world will stop spinning on it's axis if they don't **** and **** often.
> 
> Yeah, mid-life crisis and a serious case of me-itis. He doesn't know what unhappy is but he will when his little head stops dictating to his big head.
> 
> As she said, their marriage wasn't perfect but that doesn't mean she had a niggling thought in the back of her mind that he settled for her. Or, that he was putting on a good act of being happy.
> 
> *I'll bet dollars to donuts that he had contacted the ex-gf long before he dropped the bomb on OP*.



This last sentence makes all the previous unlikely. It also makes it likely there were signs along the way, even before he contacted her.


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## Adelais

blueinbr said:


> Agree. The husband sounds like the male version of the walk away wife.


No he does not. A walk away wife does not have someone in the wings. She leaves, and is ALONE.

The op's husband is a cheater. He is living in unicorns poop skittles and vomit ice cream sodas land.

OP, I'm sorry that your husband has done this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If he was so unhappy, he should have been honest with you about his feelings BEFORE hooking up with another woman. The presence of another woman is a complete game changer.

My story is much like yours. My H "broke up with" the OW within 2 weeks of informing me he had not loved me in 5 years, and that there was no one else in the picture, he just wanted a D. Like your husband, he had been very loving up until then, although we had occasional normal disagreements. When my H broke up with OW, he came back to our family (me and 4 children at the time, 7 - 14 yrs old), and I took him back, I was so shell shocked, broken, and (throw up now) relieved he had "come back to his senses."

He now says he can't believe what he did, and the untrue hurtful things he said to me to justify it, and that marrying OW would have become a nightmare for him. (He got out of his nightmare, but my nightmare continued for quite a while after that.)

However, the damage was done (to our marriage, to me, to my trust.) He has spent the last 8 years trying to rebuild my trust, and I have spent the last 8 years trying to trust that what I see (him do) and what I hear (him say) are true. It is hard to forget the things that are said when they rewrite the marital history in an attempt to justify their affair.

What I should have done, is file for D immediately. Who knows, by now I might be happily single, happily remarried, IDK. At least I wouldn't be dealing with the reminders of the destruction caused by his affair and his hurtful words. 

He apologized this morning because he realizes another permanent damage he caused, and he told me "One can't un-ring the bell" today. He says he wishes he could go back and re-live that period and do differently. But he can't. The damage was done, and I am now a different person as a result.

Elegirl is right. If you file for D, you don't have to follow through, but at least get it started. Take care of yourself first, and if you want him later, and he wakes up from his fantasy, you can take him back.


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## Blondilocks

No, it doesn't. There may have been signs but it doesn't make it the OP's fault that she didn't put 2 & 2 together.


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## 28years

No I had no clue my husband was not in love with me I wish I could read you our letter during dating and while he was in Saud during war. All the cards and notes that he has written to me, the songs he sang to me the words he said to me. He stated that this is the way husbands are supposed to treat their wives and so it was easy. The man got me a picture of a tree with a heart with our initials and our wedding anniversary date on it. His last Valentines read..... I realized today I have loved you more than half my life. In that time our love has grown stronger each day. I'm looking forward to another lifetime of adventure with you, the love of my life. Your loving husband. When I say I was completely blindsided I was ....I am not in denial when it comes to my marriage before he decided to emotionally cheat. I may be in denial now but I'm sure its my brain trying to help me not have a complete break down. I know that I have no control over this situation except how I love myself and my babies.


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## 2ntnuf

28years said:


> No I had no clue my husband was not in love with me I wish I could read you our letter during dating and while he was in Saud during war. All the cards and notes that he has written to me, the songs he sang to me the words he said to me. He stated that this is the way husbands are supposed to treat their wives and so it was easy. The man got me a picture of a tree with a heart with our initials and our wedding anniversary date on it. His last Valentines read..... I realized today I have loved you more than half my life. In that time our love has grown stronger each day. I'm looking forward to another lifetime of adventure with you, the love of my life. Your loving husband. When I say I was completely blindsided I was ....I am not in denial when it comes to my marriage before he decided to emotionally cheat. I may be in denial now but I'm sure its my brain trying to help me not have a complete break down. I know that I have no control over this situation except how I love myself and my babies.



28, my second wife purchased a $16,000 brand new motorcycle for me. I never asked for it. She talked me into taking it. I didn't want it. She slowly took me to look at them and talked like it was what she wanted.

She made appointments for me and I didn't ask. She hugged and kissed me. She bought me cards, wrote me notes, and shared her food with me. 

I did as any normal married man would. I remodeled, painted, rewired, purchased her gifts, cards, and flowers. I took her to dinner. 

All those normal things we did as a married couple, and more. 

All because we loved each other.

While all this was going on, she was seeing other men. So, don't get me wrong, I believed she loved me. I felt it. I returned as much as I could, the love I felt she gave. 

In the end, after all was said and done and I was able to think, I slowly started to see one thing here, one there and then more and more, that I never saw before.......or did I? I had to. I started remembering them, right? Well, the only answer was that I had to have disbelieved my own eyes, ears and gut. I had to have been in denial. 

As was stated, it is likely he was doing something long before he actually took action. Who knows what that was? It may not matter, now. Denial would explain believing things and then being "slapped in the face" with this sudden reality. Very few make a decision like this without at least some forethought. 

Then, maybe he was injured or damaged by the war? That would explain a great deal. Mental anguish caused by war can hide and come out at surprising times. It could explain the "sudden" change. Still, there would likely be signs that could be misinterpreted or rug swept.


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## browser

2ntnuf said:


> Explain, "Step away from the cans." I don't speak street languages.


Given your over the top reaction to a rather mild post, I'm thinking "beer" cans.


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## 2ntnuf

I am not blaming you for anything, 28. I want you to know that. All I am saying is, you are or were confused by the sudden change in him. 

I only offer an explanation. I don't say it is gospel. I say, it happened to me. I also say, it happens more often than it doesn't. 

That does not mean you are responsible in any way, for what he has done. I have not said that. I am not saying you could have done an iota of anything to get him to change his mind about what he did. 

That may be where we are miscommunicating. He is responsible for his actions, not you. You can only hope to influence someone, but never control them. 

That's all I have been trying to say. All I was doing was answering your question and trying to get you to see that it could not be your fault and that much of the depression you feel may be coming from anger toward yourself, as you slowly realize little things along the way.

Just remember, you could not have changed his decisions. He owns what he did, not you. See the difference?


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## 28years

2ntnuf said:


> I am not blaming you for anything, 28. I want you to know that. All I am saying is, you are or were confused by the sudden change in him.
> 
> I only offer an explanation. I don't say it is gospel. I say, it happened to me. I also say, it happens more often than it doesn't.
> 
> That does not mean you are responsible in any way, for what he has done. I have not said that. I am not saying you could have done an iota of anything to get him to change his mind about what he did.
> 
> That may be where we are miscommunicating. He is responsible for his actions, not you. You can only hope to influence someone, but never control them.
> 
> That's all I have been trying to say. All I was doing was answering your question and trying to get you to see that it could not be your fault and that much of the depression you feel may be coming from anger toward yourself, as you slowly realize little things along the way.
> 
> Just remember, you could not have changed his decisions. He owns what he did, not you. See the difference?


yes, and your right I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be, I feel so stupid! How could I not have known this or had a gut feeling. I guess the moment I decided to trust him completely I just accepted that he loved me as true and honestly as I loved him. He says that he loves me deeply even today but it is not the way I deserved to be loved. I think Mya Angelou stated it best when she said When someone shows you who they are, believe them first time. Only my husband only showed me who he really was 5 months ago and he broke my Heart.


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## 225985

.


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## Blondilocks

browser said:


> Given your over the top reaction to a rather mild post, I'm thinking "beer" cans.


It is a reference from 'The Jerk'.:wink2:


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## 2ntnuf

28years said:


> yes, and your right I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be, I feel so stupid! How could I not have known this or had a gut feeling. I guess the moment I decided to trust him completely I just accepted that he loved me as true and honestly as I loved him. He says that he loves me deeply even today but it is not the way I deserved to be loved. I think Mya Angelou stated it best when she said When someone shows you who they are, believe them first time. Only my husband only showed me who he really was 5 months ago and he broke my Heart.


Thanks. Take the time to forgive yourself because you could not have known. You were in love and loved him as well as you could. 

Now, get angry with him and take him for all you can. Get that divorce. Move forward and love yourself. Treat yourself well. You deserve it.


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## Adelais

28years said:


> yes, and your right I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be, I feel so stupid! How could I not have known this or had a gut feeling. I guess the moment I decided to trust him completely I just accepted that he loved me as true and honestly as I loved him. He says that he loves me deeply even today but it is not the way I deserved to be loved. I think Mya Angelou stated it best when she said When someone shows you who they are, believe them first time. Only my husband only showed me who he really was 5 months ago and he broke my Heart.


You are not stupid. It is called grace. You gave him grace. One person can do something and it means nothing if they keep their marriage vows throughout the years.

But a cheater can do the same thing, and then later cheat, and you realize that you missed cues to their character flaw that allowed them to justify cheating.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. You will live, but you will be a different person.

Once I put the broken pieces of who I was and what my life used to be (in my own recollection), I threw that broken, re-assembled vase away, and bought myself a new one. My husband says he liked the old vase, but if he did, then why did he throw me away for a shank, if even temporarily? Why did he tell me things that broke my heart and caused me to question my own sanity? If he doesn't like my new vase, tough luck. I like it.

It will take time for you to heal, but you will find your new normal. You can PM me if you want to talk privately.

IMFAR


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## Siya.

He is making a mistake and he is making it NOW. Only this time it's bigger and has much more impact. He has completely shut down his life of 28 yrs and made a joke out of it. He has kids and he's not only cheated on you but each one of your kids is affected by this horrid behaviour, which is unacceptable. By all means shut him down and get a divorce. 
I know how you'd feel at this moment but THIS is the moment to give him a tit for his tat and staying emotional would only make you miss this chance, file a divorce and try to get a order from court so he doesn't contact you at all, unless you want to. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

File. It's the right thing to do. Hire a good lawyer.
Listen only to your lawyer.

You should not reward this betrayal by thinking you can nice him back.


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## WorkingWife

28years said:


> Thank you 2ntnuf. I am working on me I go to the gym and do Zumba and have just started kick boxing fitness. I am trying to move forward even though it is my belief that God put my husband and I together for a reason. I am not ashamed that I believe in the sacrament of marriage but I understand that I am not the adulteress here. I am starting counseling with a therapist that my husband and I went to when he revealed that he had started an emotional affair with the OW. You have made a lot of valid points that I will probably read over more than once. I know my husband well and I know that he is infatuated with his fantasy love of this woman. But I also know that I can not allow him to treat me this way and if I allow this treatment then the only one I have to blame is myself. Hopefully this forum will give me the push I need. I just wish this was a dream but unfortunately for me and my kids its our reality. Thanks again


Your husband is living in a fantasy right now. As others said - "the fog" of an affair. As you can tell by this thread, no one, absolutely no one, would blame you for divorcing him and never looking back. But if you think you might want to save your marriage, that is a legitimate choice too. He doesn't sound that great on paper... but you have a long history and beautiful family and you believe in marriage. If you do want to try to save your marriage, get the book EleGirl recommended Surviving an Affair ASAP:
Surviving An Affair (you can get it on amazon too, but the website for the link I provided also has a forum where people will guide you through trying to kill his affair and save your marriage: Surviving an Affair - Marriage Builders® Forums.

Most affairs like he is in right now die a natural death within a couple years regardless. But there are things you can do to hasten the death of the affair outlined in the book/forum I recommended. The number 1 thing is exposing the affair to everyone far and wide, it's scary but effective in popping the fantasy bubble these cheaters are living in. There is a specific way to do it and I think you want to do it whether you want to save your marriage or not. After all, you don't want this high-school-***** to become a step mom to your children and show up at these weddings and graduations...

Elegirl also mentioned plan A and Plan B - Plan A is when you do all you can to be the best wife. It sounds like you are past that since he's in an open sexual affair with this tramp. So you probably want to go straight to Plan B - cut off direct contact with him - that will protect you from some of the pain this horrible affair is inflicting on you. 

I am also a big advocate for anti depressants temporarily. They will not only make you feel better emotionally they will help you be much stronger and more objective as you go through this process. If you read up on them, yes they are a medicine, but they work with the natural hormone - serotonine - in your body, so, in my mind at least, it's not the same as taking a "medicine" like a blood thinner, it's more like replacing hormones/balance in your body that are temporarily out of whack due to the crisis you are in.

I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. Just know also that your husband is lying to himself when he claims he never loved you like he should have. That is typical fog babble from someone in an affair. Just like "You and my ***** would really like each other!" it's all nonsense to make him feel like less of a creep for what he is doing.


----------



## aine

Blondilocks said:


> Watch your mouth. This is how I turned it around:
> 
> "..........*and the fact that you may have had a clue, but refused to see it* and pushed it way back in some deep recess of your mind, then you filled in the blanks with warm thoughts and voila!.........."


This is NOT a 'walk away husband' scenario this is a pompous cheater, rewriting history and blind siding the BW. How could anyone see it differently. If it was a male in this situation, I wonder would the responses have been different? I think they would have been, and that pisses me off no end.


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## WorkingWife

Oh and PS - whether you want to save your marriage or not, I agree with those who say get mad and take him for all you can. You can always remarry him if it is meant to be between you. I would do everything possible legally to protect myself if I was in your shoes.

Let me rephrase - I should have done those things when I was in your shoes years ago - but there were no internet forums with advice back then and I didn't like conflict and didn't want to "hurt" my poor lying, cheating, alcoholic husband, so I let him walk with everything and asked for nothing. I don't think about him anymore except when I read threads like yours, but when I do, my biggest, deepest regret was that I did not have the self respect and dignity to say:

OH. HELL. NO. 
You married me, you used me, and now I'm taking half of everything plus alimony, part of military service benefits, etc.


----------



## browser

WorkingWife said:


> I should have done those things when I was in your shoes years ago - but there were no internet forums with advice back then


 @WorkingWife

Are you suggesting that people actually follow the advice that is given here?

I never knew that.


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## Evinrude58

Filing for divorce will help the OP in moving on, and it will help speed the ending if the affair. 

Either way, she wins with filing.

Letting him eat his cake is a dear knell for both marriage and the mental stability of the OP.

I will also ageee the antidepressants for a while are a good idea.


----------



## WorkingWife

browser said:


> @WorkingWife
> 
> Are you suggesting that people actually follow the advice that is given here?
> 
> I never knew that.


Well, I can tell myself that I would have done things differently and followed people's advice had I had objective people to bounce things off of when I was younger. Human nature being what it is, odds are I would have done what I was driven to do regardless.

However, I _have _followed some advice I've received online. I am in the process of following more.


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## Adelais

And when you go to the Doctor to get antidepressants, request a sleep aid if you are having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep due to anxiety. When you feel better, you will not need them anymore. Do not feel guilty or beat up on yourself for getting meds. People who have diabetes take insulin. People with high blood pressure take meds to lower their blood pressure. Why shouldn't a person who has had a serious trama that has affected their mental/chemical balance take a medicine to supplement what is missing?


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## aine

How are you doing 28 years? Holding up?


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## 28years

aine said:


> How are you doing 28 years? Holding up?


I am doing better, sometimes I have moments but better than before. I feel bad for my kids because my H who was supposed to come home to help me with the house and visit my 2 youngest did not show up. He had some reasons (excuses) but the kids feel like the OW is more important then they are. Unfortunately I have no control over how he spends his time. He has not been home in two months and has spent six of those eight weeks with the OW. I still am praying he'll realize his colossal mistake but I'm not oblivious either. Thank you aine for asking funny he gets angry with me and tries to guilt me then he'll apologies and tell me he doesn't mean it and he is a jerk. I just wish I did not care or love him but I do. 

Respectfully,
28years


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## HeartbrokenW

I totally get the "how could I not have known?" My ex gave me the ILYBINILWY speech right before he walked. I was floored and was taken totally by surprise. No amount of talking could get him to try to save our marriage. So I filed. I wasn't going to hang in limbo, be his Plan B. That was 4 yrs ago. I may have trouble getting past my trust issues, but I am surviving. You will too. Hang in there.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

28years said:


> I am doing better, sometimes I have moments but better than before. I feel bad for my kids because my H who was supposed to come home to help me with the house and visit my 2 youngest did not show up. He had some reasons (excuses) but the kids feel like the OW is more important then they are. Unfortunately I have no control over how he spends his time. He has not been home in two months and has spent six of those eight weeks with the OW. I still am praying he'll realize his colossal mistake but I'm not oblivious either. Thank you aine for asking funny he gets angry with me and tries to guilt me then he'll apologies and tell me he doesn't mean it and he is a jerk. I just wish I did not care or love him but I do.
> 
> Respectfully,
> 28years


It takes time to fall out of love and move on.
Be sure to interact with him per the 180. (see link in my signature block below). It will help you heal a lot faster.


----------



## Bibi1031

Ursula said:


> It takes two to make it; it takes two to break it!


:nono::nono::nono:

It takes two to make it, but only one to destroy it. Two people don't have to end a marriage, only one needs to file for divorce and it shall be granted.

It takes two to marry, and it takes two to keep the marriage going!


What is wrong with some folks around here?

This couple was married 28 years!!!!

Of course the marriage was not 100% perfect, What freaking marriage is?

It took him 28 years and 5 kids to figure out he didn't love his wife but the teenage girlfriend?

WTF!!!!!

This man is obviously in some sort of crisis of catastrophic proportions for everyone involved. He is a royal fool, but he is not alone. Sadly, there are many joining this guy everyday and it's not gender specific either.:crying:

Dear 28 years, you did nothing wrong to merit this devastation. If he fell out of love with you, he had the obligation to let you know what was wrong and you two could seek help. Instead, he tells you he doesn't love you and loves another. He made a nest elsewhere and that is why he fell out of love with you. You can't compete with the high of a new relationship. He is gone mad. 

If it is not in your best interest to divorce your WS, then don't do it. Let him do the dirty deed. Some are too lazy to do the leg work themselves. I would think his retirement is more than yours and that alone would stop me from filing. Look into that. It is all business now and business has nothing to do with love. It's time to look after your best interest and not accept what he wants or needs.

It seems that for most of your marriage everything in that household was done HIS way. Well, it ain't his household anymore. He demoted himself by cheating on his family. He didn't only lie to you all these years, he lied to his children!

I would say good riddance, but not if it's NOT in YOUR best interest at this point in time.


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## aine

28 Years

Have you told your friends and his and your families?

Have you contacted a lawyer? Make sure you do, he could very well try and stop supporting you

Have you a support network? Good close friends or siblings? Why are you moving if you and he are not going to be together? 

Please start the 180 immediately, start acting as if you are moving on without him.

He will regret all of this as his kids are watching and may never forgive him. Do not act as a barrier between the children and him, let him suffer what ever the fall out is.


----------



## 28years

aine ,

Yes, I have told our families about what has happened. I have gotten advise from an attorney and know my rights and in the event that he decided to stop supporting his family I know what action to take. I don't believe that he would do that but then again I can never be 100% sure. I know that its hard to believe but despite what he has done to our family he is a good person. WOW, I don't even know if I believe this to be true anymore...........that makes me really sad I know we all are not perfect and we make mistakes but it hurts to know the person you respected and had such a high opinion of has changed in your eyes so much. I do have a good support network and they are aware of what I want and support me. I have no intentions of moving, I live in our family home with three of our five children and they deserve to have their world to be grounded as much as possible right now. I have my kids come over on Sunday's I make dinner and we just enjoy one another. I have been blessed with really neat kids each of them unique and so wonderful in their own way! I am not only acting like I am moving on without him, I am learning to move on. I want to save my marriage but I will not sit in limbo waiting for him to return to us(me) I know that it would not be beneficial for any of us. I have started therapy and I exercising and I'm becoming a healthy person inside and out. I try not to involve myself too much with my kids because I fully how they feel as I suffered myself growing up with the infidelity of my father with my mother. I do encourage a positive interaction but my words can not cancel out his actions. I am just painfully aware that when there is an OW involved it is a very difficult situation. He totally is blaming me for the fall out that has begun but the funny thing is I defend him when the kids say things because I do not want them to disrespect their father. I don't want them to regret the things they say out of anger but I fully understand it is not for me to make okay and that this is something that they must work through with him. I am only responsible for my actions and my relationship with them.


28year


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## 28years

EleGirl said:


> It takes time to fall out of love and move on.
> Be sure to interact with him per the 180. (see link in my signature block below). It will help you heal a lot faster.


Thank you Elegirl ! You have a special place in my broken world you have made an impact. I am grateful that I stumbled upon this site. Positive or negative it is good to have the opinions of those to draw upon and help you to evaluate your situation. 

28years

PS 

I am starting to practice the 180 more efficiently


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## Ursula

Bibi, finger wagging is something you do to a toddler or a child in kindergarten; you don't do it to a grown adult. I'm sorry, maybe that was the wrong thing to say in this particular situation. However, I really do believe that it takes two... to marry, to make it work, and to break it. I think of my H and I. Neither of us are perfect, and both of us have done loads of wrong things in our short marriage. I don't love him, and am not sure if I ever have (because I don't know where that love could possibly go, so if it's not there, was it there to begin with?). I wouldn't physically cheat on him, but my heart and mind are elsewhere. Is it all my fault? Nope. It has taken 4 years of fails on both our parts for me to arrive here, so he's not in the clear either. I remain firm in my belief that it takes two. Now, if someone were to go out and bang someone else, or build a life with someone else, that's a different story.



Bibi1031 said:


> :nono::nono::nono:
> 
> It takes two to make it, but only one to destroy it. Two people don't have to end a marriage, only one needs to file for divorce and it shall be granted.
> 
> It takes two to marry, and it takes two to keep the marriage going!
> 
> 
> What is wrong with some folks around here?
> 
> This couple was married 28 years!!!!
> 
> Of course the marriage was not 100% perfect, What freaking marriage is?
> 
> It took him 28 years and 5 kids to figure out he didn't love his wife but the teenage girlfriend?
> 
> WTF!!!!!
> 
> This man is obviously in some sort of crisis of catastrophic proportions for everyone involved. He is a royal fool, but he is not alone. Sadly, there are many joining this guy everyday and it's not gender specific either.:crying:
> 
> Dear 28 years, you did nothing wrong to merit this devastation. If he fell out of love with you, he had the obligation to let you know what was wrong and you two could seek help. Instead, he tells you he doesn't love you and loves another. He made a nest elsewhere and that is why he fell out of love with you. You can't compete with the high of a new relationship. He is gone mad.
> 
> If it is not in your best interest to divorce your WS, then don't do it. Let him do the dirty deed. Some are too lazy to do the leg work themselves. I would think his retirement is more than yours and that alone would stop me from filing. Look into that. It is all business now and business has nothing to do with love. It's time to look after your best interest and not accept what he wants or needs.
> 
> It seems that for most of your marriage everything in that household was done HIS way. Well, it ain't his household anymore. He demoted himself by cheating on his family. He didn't only lie to you all these years, he lied to his children!
> 
> I would say good riddance, but not if it's NOT in YOUR best interest at this point in time.


----------



## VeryHurt

Let.Him.Go.


----------



## Bibi1031

Ursula said:


> Bibi, finger wagging is something you do to a toddler or a child in kindergarten; you don't do it to a grown adult.


You are probably right and my real life is showing as I have been an Elementary school teacher and counselor until I self retired from it less than a year ago. I apologize if this looked bad. I like emoticons and that one is particularly cute compared to I beg to differ or Not really IMO.

No marriage is perfect, but it a marriage deserves trying to save it until it is not salvageable. This man didn't even try. He simply decided, probably long before the speech and his affair that the marriage was over and that is 100% on him. 28 years was completely blind sided like many of us have been. Marriage is not even close to bliss most of the time, but couples navigate through it together as much as possible. The vows promised are indeed til death due us part in the majority of ceremonies. Those promises need to mean exactly what they say and not what we want them to mean at any particular time in our coupled journey.

We all have flaws, but that is why we make promises and work very hard to keep them. If we fall out of love, which indeed happens, It was our responsibility to keep our end of the bargain. If our partners are missing something in the relationship, this needs to be addressed in order for the other partner to fix what is wrong. The problem with people her WS is that they make decisions without consulting their spouse because in reality, a long term partner does not deserve being kept in the dark. You are supposed to have their backs and best interest at heart instead of building nest elsewhere.

THis is 100% on the WS regardless of the BS flaws. Why do so many cheat and take the cowards way out and then justify their actions when their really is no justification for being honest before disposing of the one you forsake all others for?

THe WS just hurt and destroyed something very precious due to selfishness and cowardice plain and simple. Anything else are just excuses that quite frankly makes their character look even worse. Their true colors emerge in all their ugliness.


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## Ursula

Hey Bibi, don't worry at all about the icons; some are pretty cute, and I scrolled through them all. I may need to find an excuse to use the "All Hail" one 

And, I agree, no marriage is perfect, and to be honest, I haven't read all of the posts on this particular thread, but to be blindsided after 28 years would be awful.


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## Evinrude58

What's not salvageable in this marriage is that he has moved out and is living with his affair partner.
I'm kinda thinking when your husband moves in with his AP, one pretty much can't deny that it's high time for a divorce.

She should divorce this *******. Plain and simple. HE wants it! HE is asking for it!
Give him what he wants as quickly as possible. Just don't give it to him on his terms. 
Get a lawyer and do what he says. But get a good one. Not some mealy mouthed wimp that won't take care of business on your behalf and wants to drag the divorce out as long as possible in order to bill for more hours.
JMO


----------



## Bibi1031

Evinrude58 said:


> What's not salvageable in this marriage is that he has moved out and is living with his affair partner.
> I'm kinda thinking when your husband moves in with his AP, one pretty much can't deny that it's high time for a divorce.
> 
> She should divorce this *******. Plain and simple. HE wants it! HE is asking for it!
> Give him what he wants as quickly as possible. Just don't give it to him on his terms.
> Get a lawyer and do what he says. But get a good one. Not some mealy mouthed wimp that won't take care of business on your behalf and wants to drag the divorce out as long as possible in order to bill for more hours.
> JMO


I don't know about others, but if I would of known just how much of my first Xs retirement benefits I was going to loose, I most certainly would have seriously given divorcing his cheating arse serious thought. 

A legal separation and stopping divorce proceedings would have been in my best interest monetarily at the time. If he really wanted a divorce, I should of made him do instead of completing the divorce process after he signed the separation agreement. Live and learn. My lawyer dismissed his retirment fund because I could not get SS benefits due to the law that excluded me when I was teaching and my retirement came from TRS and not SS. 

I now put into SS and my Xs SS fund is much much bigger than my meager TRS. I just didn't know about that then. So when I turn 65, I can ask for His SS retirement and I will get half of what I would get if we were still legally married. I pretty certain that even half of his SS is more that my whole TRS.

My X didn't need to get divorced. He is happily single and states he will never marry again. "I could of had it all" like the Adele song states.



That truly sucks rocks for me and I don' want this happening to others.


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## 28years

Evinrude58 said:


> What's not salvageable in this marriage is that he has moved out and is living with his affair partner.
> I'm kinda thinking when your husband moves in with his AP, one pretty much can't deny that it's high time for a divorce.
> 
> She should divorce this *******. Plain and simple. HE wants it! HE is asking for it!
> Give him what he wants as quickly as possible. Just don't give it to him on his terms.
> Get a lawyer and do what he says. But get a good one. Not some mealy mouthed wimp that won't take care of business on your behalf and wants to drag the divorce out as long as possible in order to bill for more hours.
> JMO


Well he isn't exactly living with his AP because she's married/separated and has a child in the home and she wouldn't want her husband to stop paying the mortgage and all her other bills. So my husband stays elsewhere from my understanding. But regardless it does not change the facts. I will NOT file for divorce he will have to do that because it is what he wants. If he really wants a divorce like he says then he will finish dropping the bomb. Until then I will pray and move forward to healing myself from the pain that I am going through. Thank you for your opinion I appreciate it.

Respectfully,
28years


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## Evinrude58

You will never heal without totally letting him go, and moving forward. Trust me, I have been through it. All you're doing is hanging on to a thread of hope, and that hope will keep you in limbo and nothing but misery.
I know how badly it hurts and hate to see you stay in that.
I also understand how badly it hurts to let him go totally in your mind. Do what you feel is right, but be forewarned---- you're hurting yourself. Badly.


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## 28years

Evinrude58 said:


> You will never heal without totally letting him go, and moving forward. Trust me, I have been through it. All you're doing is hanging on to a thread of hope, and that hope will keep you in limbo and nothing but misery.
> I know how badly it hurts and hate to see you stay in that.
> I also understand how badly it hurts to let him go totally in your mind. Do what you feel is right, but be forewarned---- you're hurting yourself. Badly.


I am trying to let go and your right letting go in my mind will be difficult because I am in love with someone who does not feel that way for me any longer. I know that I am defiantly not the first to go through this and I wont be the last. Talking to others about it is cathartic for me so I really do appreciate the advice/opinions. I know that there are many if not all on this thread who are or have been where I am. I wish there was a way to shut off my emotions but my therapist says that I am mourning the loss. I have read and re-read all the advise I have been told please believe me when I say it is very helpful. 

28years


----------



## Bibi1031

Ursula said:


> Hey Bibi, don't worry at all about the icons; some are pretty cute, and I scrolled through them all. I may need to find an excuse to use the "All Hail" one



I just did! I have to admit it is devilishly cute. :FIREdevil:

TJ over, sorry 28 years.


----------



## mary35

28years said:


> I am trying to let go and your right letting go in my mind will be difficult because I am in love with someone who does not feel that way for me any longer. I know that I am defiantly not the first to go through this and I wont be the last. Talking to others about it is cathartic for me so I really do appreciate the advice/opinions. I know that there are many if not all on this thread who are or have been where I am. I wish there was a way to shut off my emotions but my therapist says that I am mourning the loss. I have read and re-read all the advise I have been told please believe me when I say it is very helpful.
> 
> 28years


I think you are doing amazingly well considering the terrible situation your husband has created for you and your children! I also think you are doing really well at choosing the right path for you. I am glad you got info from the lawyer and are aware of what you need to do to protect yourself. Keep moving forward on taking care of yourself and your health and take it one day at a time. Hopefully with time, the emotional pain will start to decrease.


----------



## arbitrator

*Late to the party, as usual, but if you have not filed for D by now, you're doing yourself a severe disservice!

He has forthrightly exhibited that he has little to no respect for you or appreciation for the near lifelong service that you've rendered up in being a most faithful wife to him!

Have a good family attorney advise you of all of your lifelong spousal property rights!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you've definitely come to the best place in the world for advise from people who have "been there!"*


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## Evinrude58

I've found that accepting they're gone is the hardest part. You won't heal until you can accept it's over. Most importantly, you're going to leave him get away with taking off and totally leaving you hanging financially.

He's basically told you not to get a lawyer. Anyone with a brain will tell you he's taking care of himself AGAIN and leaving your u out to dry.
Don't be in denial and think he's coming back. It's unlikely. Would you really want him after this? You'd never trust him again!

Divorce him before he rubs up debt or otherwise drains marital assets and leaves you with nothing. I guarantee you he's doing what he can to take assets and get them where you can't touch them, to prepare for his new life with her.
Your indecisiveness is playing perfectly into his hands. Your lawyer should be telling you these things.

You're sitting on your hands while your cheating husband is disrespecting you and he's going to leave you with nothing if he can.

I'm really sorry. You need to wake up.


----------



## DepressedHusband

aine said:


> I suspect if you do some digging, your WH was already involved with her sexually long before he give you the I love you but not in love with you speech. You cannot nice him back into the marriage, however the reality is that he might wake up and realise that he is throwing his whole life away but you cannot make him stay in the marriage, I would suggest you give him what he wants. *Go scorched earth on him*. You can file for divorce, you dont have to go through with it, then start dating.
> 
> 1. See a lawyer and file. ensure that financially you are covered, ensure you get as much as possible of him. Get a copy of all financial documents, talk to your lawyer about how to best proceed so that financially you have enough for retirement, too many women after dedicating their lives to husband and family end up in poverty when the H does something like this
> 2. tell all friends and family including teenage kids, it is his shame and burden to bear, not yours
> 3. You only know what he told you about the OW, try and contact her H as he may be in a false reconciliation with her
> 4. go and do things for yourself, join a club, lose weight, do yourself up
> 5. Do the 180 on him hard, kick him out of the house, let him have what he wants, she is not the same girl he knew before, so let him find out the hard way. Go no contact, all contact through a lawyer only.
> 6. You are going through alot now, get some IC for yourself.
> 
> One of two things will happen
> 
> 1. he will see that far away fields are not green, that he has stupidly thrown away his wife and family for a fantasy that is not real. His mid life crisis has cost him dearly.
> Then he will come running back, hopefully you will have moved on, will have enough self respect for yourself and will have found yourself someone who is worthy of you for he aint.
> 
> 2. He genuinely is finished with the marriage and does not come back, If this is the case, you cannot win him back anyhow he is gone, but by then you have got over the trauma and are on your way to healthy healed life and ready to meet new and better things.
> 
> Sorry you are going through this.


they can have a peaceful and amicable split and they can even become just friends, there is no reason they cannot outside of a lack of maturity and reason. It may even be beneficial. BTW I see allot of older couples get divorced and then they end up back together. Nobody has ever given me a good reason as to why this is a good policy and it harms everyone, including the person who thinks they are gaining vengeance.


----------



## SuperConfusedHusband

browser said:


> I don't understand this post at all. It sounds like you're blaming her for him leaving her and their 5 children and having an affair with his old girlfriend.
> 
> Do you have some sort of agenda? Did someone do something similar to you?


Browser is pointing out that this man lost interest in his wife sexually and is trying to understand why. WH said that to her that he doesnt see her as a lover anymore.

I'm not saying that this is the case, but when husbands are taken for granted because they have always done their job, and dont receive the ego-strokes from their family, they will look for them elsewhere.

As a husband I'm in this boat now (and perhaps biased) but I'm starting to realize that a husband CAN get his stupid childish ego-strokes in a different way other than cheat on his wife. Being involved with people (such as groups with women) and recognized by them in a non sexual way is one way to get the strokes. It's not sexual, but it really strokes your ego!


----------



## Evinrude58

DepressedHusband said:


> they can have a peaceful and amicable split and they can even become just friends, there is no reason they cannot outside of a lack of maturity and reason. It may even be beneficial. BTW I see allot of older couples get divorced and then they end up back together. Nobody has ever given me a good reason as to why this is a good policy and it harms everyone, including the person who thinks they are gaining vengeance.


No, it doesn't harm everyone. The person that betrayed his wife of 28 years may not get to take his toys and run, and he may not be able to hide the despicable thing he's done from others.

There's nothing wrong with putting the truth out there, getting a FAIR divorce as far as assets, and not having anything to do with this person ever again. Any person that would do this to their wife of 28 years that has been a good wife (we don't know, but from what the OP has said, her husband has SAID she was a good wife), doesn't deserve or should get to be "friends" with his wife. This is nothing that a friend would do. He has only thought of himself. He thought of himself when he allowed himself to dwell on thoughts of this other woman, himself when he started communicating and dating her, and thoughts of himself when he told his wife not to get a lawyer. He has thought only of himself in this whole deal.

To recommend her to have an "amicable" split so that maybe in the future they can get back together? I guess the amicable part is great if they can do it so that she doesn't take the financial screwing he's going to try to give her. He is going to try to do this, that's why he's telling her not to get a lawyer. If she doesn't, she's crazy.
I don't think she should try to mistreat the guy, because after all, she actually LOVES him. I don't think she should be vindictive. But she should try to take care of her interests at least as well as he is taking care of his.
She is losing her husband. I agree, if that's what you're saying, that she should show character and do things not out of revenge or spite. But she should NOT go easy on him because she's hoping one day they can get back together. She should not go back to this man. He's got no character.


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## VeryHurt

Evinrude58 said:


> I've found that accepting they're gone is the hardest part. You won't heal until you can accept it's over. Most importantly, you're going to leave him get away with taking off and totally leaving you hanging financially.
> 
> He's basically told you not to get a lawyer. Anyone with a brain will tell you he's taking care of himself AGAIN and leaving your u out to dry.
> Don't be in denial and think he's coming back. It's unlikely. Would you really want him after this? You'd never trust him again!
> 
> Divorce him before he rubs up debt or otherwise drains marital assets and leaves you with nothing. I guarantee you he's doing what he can to take assets and get them where you can't touch them, to prepare for his new life with her.
> Your indecisiveness is playing perfectly into his hands. Your lawyer should be telling you these things.
> 
> You're sitting on your hands while your cheating husband is disrespecting you and he's going to leave you with nothing if he can.
> 
> I'm really sorry. You need to wake up.


28 Year .............I WAS down this road. I was divorced 5 months ago after 33.5 years. Evinrude is ABSOLUTELY right: You will NEVER be able to trust him again.


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## SuperConfusedHusband

28years said:


> *He is not the type of guy who cares about looks or at least that's what I believed but I was wrong about my whole marriage so at this point I just don't know.* He has not had skin removal surgery. It is a bizarre story funny but when we were living paycheck to paycheck it was stressful but we were happy. He was happy with his job choice and my kids were happy even though we did not have much we had our family. I know now that he was still not happy because of my current situation *but he never reveled his truth to me.*


He didnt say it because he didn't want to hurt you. At the same time he wasn't realizing he was sabotaging his marriage.
It's a trap many men fall into. 

I wonder if you guys have ever had a conversation about this, like an open one, with questions like "Do you think our sex life has been affected by weight?".

Men dont know how to ask for things in relationships so that their needs a fulfiulled. My wife is constantly on my case about "If you want this just ask...", and she is 100% right! I, as many men, am afraid or unable to ask for many things. So we just stew, take care of things "on our own" and eventually come up with extreme solutions that destroy our marriages.

You have no fault in this, he did exactly what I almost did, but I'm working through this now with a therapist so I can transform myself instead of acting up and destroy a beautiful marriage.


----------



## SuperConfusedHusband

28years said:


> Hi Elegirl,
> I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself. I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him.


As a Confused Husband (lol) I know 100% the problem is HIM! Trust me, you have no part in it.
Just give him a couple of years when he will split with his current girlfriend. Then you will realize it wasn't about you at all :surprise:.

You are a wife, not his bimbette that has to please him.


----------



## DepressedHusband

Evinrude58 said:


> No, it doesn't harm everyone. The person that betrayed his wife of 28 years may not get to take his toys and run, and he may not be able to hide the despicable thing he's done from others.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with putting the truth out there, getting a FAIR divorce as far as assets, and not having anything to do with this person ever again. Any person that would do this to their wife of 28 years that has been a good wife (we don't know, but from what the OP has said, her husband has SAID she was a good wife), doesn't deserve or should get to be "friends" with his wife. This is nothing that a friend would do. He has only thought of himself. He thought of himself when he allowed himself to dwell on thoughts of this other woman, himself when he started communicating and dating her, and thoughts of himself when he told his wife not to get a lawyer. He has thought only of himself in this whole deal.
> 
> To recommend her to have an "amicable" split so that maybe in the future they can get back together? I guess the amicable part is great if they can do it so that she doesn't take the financial screwing he's going to try to give her. He is going to try to do this, that's why he's telling her not to get a lawyer. If she doesn't, she's crazy.
> I don't think she should try to mistreat the guy, because after all, she actually LOVES him. I don't think she should be vindictive. But she should try to take care of her interests at least as well as he is taking care of his.
> She is losing her husband. I agree, if that's what you're saying, that she should show character and do things not out of revenge or spite. But she should NOT go easy on him because she's hoping one day they can get back together. She should not go back to this man. He's got no character.


How is she getting screwed ? if her husband is not filling for divorce, then go have her own affair, stay legally married and win the whole shebang, sometimes couples need to be apart to grow, and I hate to break it to you, but I have seen it happen so many times I have lost count. 

you have no idea what the marriage is like, you have no idea why he has left the marriage bed, I think it is fairly honorable to leave the home and continue to support her, and you have to ask yourself, why would a man do such a thing ?

your only hearing one side, maybe shes a cold uncaring nonaffectionate **** and is rude and stomps her feet and throws tantrums, we do not know what happens in that home, to make judgements. 

I am saying, stop telling her to financially gut the guy, first off, she is entitled to a portion of the marital assets, almost every state has laws regarding asset divestiture and they are all relatively fair, and stop making her position purely adversarial. that's YOUR anger coming into the conversation, and quiet honestly if you divorced, I can see how that came to be. Also think of the children, 2 Waring adults is not leaving the children with positive feeling about couples and relationships.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

28years said:


> Well he isn't exactly living with his AP because she's married/separated and has a child in the home and she wouldn't want her husband to stop paying the mortgage and all her other bills. So my husband stays elsewhere from my understanding. But regardless it does not change the facts. I will NOT file for divorce he will have to do that because it is what he wants. If he really wants a divorce like he says then he will finish dropping the bomb. Until then I will pray and move forward to healing myself from the pain that I am going through. Thank you for your opinion I appreciate it.
> 
> Respectfully,
> 28years


I am going to STRONGLY suggest that you file. I know it isnt what you want, but its not about that. Its about protecting yourself and your kids. Filing puts you in control, and can help protect you against him doing something stupid (um, something ELSE stupid..) like running up debt you dont know about or getting into legal trouble in some way that YOU may end up being liable for. Plus it sends the message that you are not waiting around playing his game and letting him hurt you. 

Think about this... what if he DID come back? That would make you Plan B. The OW is his first choice. How in hell would you EVER be able to trust him again?? He chose HER, he chose to hurt you and your children. He isnt deserving of a second chance if he ever came back around looking for it. And I can pretty much guarantee you would be right back in this position within a few years. He has shown you who he really is, so believe him.


----------



## chillymorn69

DepressedHusband said:


> Go ahead and file, this is not uncommon behavior for men at the end of child rearing, to go back and find the more exciting romances.


its also not uncommon for women


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## DepressedHusband

chillymorn69 said:


> its also not uncommon for women


they also strangely wind up back together again, I know of 10 couples who have done that.


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## 28years

DepressedHusband said:


> How is she getting screwed ? if her husband is not filling for divorce, then go have her own affair, stay legally married and win the whole shebang, sometimes couples need to be apart to grow, and I hate to break it to you, but I have seen it happen so many times I have lost count.
> 
> you have no idea what the marriage is like, you have no idea why he has left the marriage bed, I think it is fairly honorable to leave the home and continue to support her, and you have to ask yourself, why would a man do such a thing ?
> 
> your only hearing one side, maybe shes a cold uncaring nonaffectionate **** and is rude and stomps her feet and throws tantrums, we do not know what happens in that home, to make judgements.
> 
> I am saying, stop telling her to financially gut the guy, first off, she is entitled to a portion of the marital assets, almost every state has laws regarding asset divestiture and they are all relatively fair, and stop making her position purely adversarial. that's YOUR anger coming into the conversation, and quiet honestly if you divorced, I can see how that came to be. Also think of the children, 2 Waring adults is not leaving the children with positive feeling about couples and relationships.


DepressedHusband,

I understand that you have only my side of the story to go by but what would I possible have to gain by lying. I am most definitely not a cold uncaring unaffectionate*****. If I my intention was to come on this site to lie that would be pretty sick! I agree that it is fairly honorable to leave the home and continue to support his FAMILY. The truth is he does not have to support us but my H being an ex attorney and me being his ex legal assistant know that if he were to do that I would obtain counsel and have an emergency hearing to get alimony and child support and it would be far more than what he is taking care of right now. 

I am a woman so I cant ask myself why would a man do such a thing but maybe you could shed some light on why a man(you being a man) would? As a woman I say guilt, guilt that you can go and spend time and money on some*****. Make excuses to your children as to why you haven't seen them in 2 months but have managed to see a complete stranger for six of those eight weeks! Oh and by the way he is completely oblivious or selfish to the fact that she gets to see her kids and her H takes her daughter while my dummy H is wining and dining her........??????????

My marriage was as I stated not perfect but a good marriage. Where there things that could have been better communicated on both sides of coarse. Please show me a marriage that is perfect or the marriage manual that they give you when you wed. Oh an let us not forget our vows that people today seem to take with a grain of salt, to love and honor in GOOD times and BAD, Sickness and health til death due us part. My husband and I performed those vows not once but twice because we were married when we were very young by a notary and then about 10 years ago in the catholic church. 

What makes it okay for a H or W to come home and just say I don't love you the way I should so I'm out! I loved my husband to the best of my abilities the skills that I had entering the marriage and the skills and lessons learned throughout. I was there for him and him for me. There were times that we loved hard and times we did not. He admitted that it had nothing to do with the kind of wife I was. He tells me today that he knows that what he is doing is wrong but he must be true to his feelings. I simply am here on this site to help me move forward from a man and marriage that I had no idea until five months ago was in trouble and by the time my H decided to tell me he had already decided that he tried for years to change the things he felt on and off throughout the marriage. The only problem was he forgot to tell the person he professed to be the love of his life, his best friend and the mother of his five beautiful children. How can I openly discuss an issue that I had no idea existed?

I know there are people in this world who are psychopaths and would join a site like this to further their own sick agenda but that is not me. I have been as honest about my situation as possible and unlike some have faith in people to be upfront. Maybe that's why I'm in this situation I trusted when I should have not, I took my husbands love and words and allowed myself to believe that I had a wonderful life with an exceptional man who was a loving husband, father, man of faith and all around great man with an integrity we could look up too. Shame on me


----------



## 28years

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> He didnt say it because he didn't want to hurt you. At the same time he wasn't realizing he was sabotaging his marriage.
> It's a trap many men fall into.
> 
> I wonder if you guys have ever had a conversation about this, like an open one, with questions like "Do you think our sex life has been affected by weight?".
> 
> Men dont know how to ask for things in relationships so that their needs a fulfiulled. My wife is constantly on my case about "If you want this just ask...", and she is 100% right! I, as many men, am afraid or unable to ask for many things. So we just stew, take care of things "on our own" and eventually come up with extreme solutions that destroy our marriages.
> 
> You have no fault in this, he did exactly what I almost did, but I'm working through this now with a therapist so I can transform myself instead of acting up and destroy a beautiful marriage.


Well apparently we weren't having open conversations that included his truth of thinking about the OW on an off throughout our marriage. But to answer your question no we did not openly discuss how weight affected our sex life because it did not. We had sex, I do have five children with my H. Did the sex slow from time to time throughout the marriage yes it did. I can think of five things off hand that are two years apart that could have a little to do with that. And there was the time that he was having a hard time keeping an erection because he weighed over 350 lbs, but I would not say anything to him because I felt that it would be emasculating for him and did not ever want my H to feel less of a man. But I guess I should have called him out and said you better get that fixed cause I have needs. Perhaps that would have made me wife of the year to kick my H when he was down.

Let me address the taking your H for granted, I think that both men and women take their significant others for granted at some point and time. Some may say no but I suspect that they are not being forthcoming. It is human nature to take the people you love for granted at one time or another on that note....... I did take for granted that the love my husband professed to myself and my family was true just as he too took it for granted that the love I professed to him and our family was true. Just as I took for granted that my H would be the sole supporter of our family as we discussed. He too took for granted that I would stay home take care of the home, kids, cleaning, cooking, schooling ,shopping (running of the home). I did tell my husband that we appreciated all that he did and made possible for our family. 

In a crisis I was Bonnie to his Clyde because I was raised to believe that where one person is week another is strong and it creates a balance. I am not a perfect woman and I don't proclaim to be. Did I love and support my man to the best of my abilities yes I did, did he do the same for me yes he did. Could there have been improvement in our marriage ?YES, But that is true for all marriages 

I am glad that you have decided to not rip out your W heart by looking to another person to fulfill what is lacking and by all means I am happy for you and for her because when you could have turned left your turned right. My husband made a conscious choice to open a Pandora's box as he stated and was not willing to turn back and loose the OW again. I wish you only good things in life and in your marriage. I wish my husband had extended me the same courtesy.


----------



## SuperConfusedHusband

28years said:


> The only problem was he forgot to tell the person he professed to be the love of his life, his best friend and the mother of his five beautiful children. *How can I openly discuss an issue that I had no idea existed?*
> 
> I know there are people in this world who are psychopaths and would join a site like this to further their own sick agenda but that is not me. I have been as honest about my situation as possible and unlike some have faith in people to be upfront. Maybe that's why I'm in this situation I trusted when I should have not,* I took my husbands love and words and allowed myself to believe that I had a wonderful life* with an exceptional man who was a loving husband, father, man of faith and all around great man with an integrity we could look up too. *Shame on me*


Right! See the contraddiction here? He decided by himself, for himself without telling you anything. When he found out that he had an issue with the marriage, he should have worked on it with you, and tell you he wasn't happy. 

The only thing you could have done all these years, is...NOTHING! Just kept loving him like you always had because you had no idea what was happening to him. So again the blame is on him. Why Shame on you?

Did he ever actually tell you WHY he wasnt happy? Exactly the reasons?


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## Evinrude58

Just an FYi,
I'm not telling her in any way to gut him financially. But as an attorney, he's going to use this time that she is deliberating divorce to hide assets that she is entitled to. He is asking her not to get a lawyer. Why?

As to him being a good guy and supporting his family and being with an affair partner?
He is doing that because he has to. As the OP stated, he's getting away with paying far less this way. Of course he wants it to stay that way. He'll pay a little to save a lot!

Saying I've got anger involved because I'm divorced and wanting her to gut him? That's crazy.
Yes, I've been through it and know how people think when they change their minds about a spouse and abandon them.

He is NO LONGER thinking about her welfare. He is thinking about HIS welfare.

If she just lets everything ride and doesn't divorce, she's going to be in a bind financially, or at least worse off. Her kids will lose and she will lose.
She will also lose the opportunity to go find another man who respects and loves her if she doesn't divorce.

I am not telling her to divorce and be vengeful. I'm advising her to take care of herself and her kids. Her husband does NOT have her best interests at heart. He's shown her that he has HIS best interests at heart. 

I again strongly advise the OP to file. 28 years and he tells her he never loved her, but loved his ex girlfriend! That's fraud in my opinion. He robbed her of a lifetime with a man who would stand by her and love her. He is NOT a good guy. He is NOT supporting his family because he is a good guy. He's doing it because it's cheaper to keep 'er.


----------



## 28years

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Right! See the contraddiction here? He decided by himself, for himself without telling you anything. When he found out that he had an issue with the marriage, he should have worked on it with you, and tell you he wasn't happy.
> 
> The only thing you could have done all these years, is...NOTHING! Just kept loving him like you always had because you had no idea what was happening to him. So again the blame is on him. Why Shame on you?
> 
> Did he ever actually tell you WHY he wasnt happy? Exactly the reasons?


Nope he said that it had nothing to do with me, that he never doubted the way I felt for him or loved him. That he was a coward and was afraid of hurting me and that even though he thought about this woman on and off throughout the marriage that he loved me deeply. He said it was him and not me. I just think of the things I might have said or done and think that should I ever be in another relationship down the road I address those things with that person. But unfortunately the only person I can think about loving now is myself and my children so we can move on and be somewhat "normal"

28years


----------



## SuperConfusedHusband

Evinrude58 said:


> Just an FYi,
> I'm not telling her in any way to gut him financially. But as an attorney, he's going to use this time that she is deliberating divorce to hide assets that she is entitled to. He is asking her not to get a lawyer. Why?


This is important: he knows the law and how to get around it, you, OP, dont. I would get a lawyer, even a pro-bono one. A lawyer will not necessarily advise you to file for D. But I would run all this by him/her to see if there are any dangers you might fall into.



Evinrude58 said:


> He is NO LONGER thinking about her welfare. He is thinking about HIS welfare.
> 
> If she just lets everything ride and doesn't divorce, she's going to be in a bind financially, or at least worse off. Her kids will lose and she will lose.
> She will also lose the opportunity to go find another man who respects and loves her if she doesn't divorce.


It's only been 3 months so I guess there is still lot to process emotionally, but yes he will not look out for you anymore, sorry.


----------



## Bibi1031

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> This is important:
> 
> 
> It's only been 3 months so I guess there is still lot to process emotionally, but yes he will not look out for you anymore, sorry.


That's a given and has been for quite some time. He is on Me Me Me mode. If he was not a selfish man, he feels he is entitled to being selfish now because it is HIS time now. 

Can't you see that his loving wife and marriage bled him dry and only OW could quench his thirst?...gag me!


----------



## Evinrude58

He said "I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I must remain true to my feelings"........

I must say---- what a childish, typical, pile of cheater speak bull**** that statement is.
That's translated into normal person as "IDGAF about what my wife or anyone else thinks, I'm headed out to go screw my ex gf because what I want to do is more important than 28 years of marriage. My wife will take me back if my AP turns out to be a ***** because I know she loves me and is not as big of an ******* as I am."

I'll bet next month's salary that this guy and his AP will crash and burn when the new wears off and he finds out how she really is. 

OP, you should not play plan b for this guy or he will see that he's got you in his pocket no matter what he does, and he WILL take advantage of your love.

Get angry and poocan thischeating jerk.


----------



## Bibi1031

I seriously doubt that he will see the light that soon. He is too deep in the fog and OW is stroking his ego big time. That is not going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe in a few years like 3-5.


----------



## Openminded

I would suggest that you be the one to file. The Petitioner obviously determines what goes in the document (although the Respondent can modify it if he wishes -- many don't bother though when they have someone waiting in the wings). 

Ending a long marriage is tough (mine ended after 45 years). It's okay to still love someone as long as you're realistic and recognize that you need to go forward without them. It does get better with time but there's often a lot of temporary back-sliding along the way. Just keep telling yourself you'll get through it and be okay because you will.


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## 28years

Hello everyone, 

I just want to bounce this off of you and get some opinions. I am planning a trip with my kids up N for a family function and from there to NYC to take my kids to see family and the city. I get a call from my H and he is like I was thinking I could meet up with you n the kids and go to the family function and to NYC with you guys. Mind you this is on the heals of him supposedly coming to visit last week and visit the kids and help me finish some things with the house. Which btw he did not make and gave the reason that he had to work this weekend and would not be able to spend a full week. I just don't understand what this man thinks, he lets my kids down by saying he cant make it because he would only have less than a week with them and now he wants to come where we are going to be to tag along. I know my kids want to see their father and I don't want to be a total ***** but I just cant get past the b***s on this guy. If you are familiar with my story please share what you think.

Thanks,
28years


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I would tell him NOPE, **** off.


----------



## EleGirl

Are you staying with family and/or friends? Or will you be in hotels? Where would he stay?


I would be very tempted to not tell him no. Or just ignore his request to tag along.

Does he tell you when he is going to miss a visit with his children? Or does he just no show up?


----------



## Bibi1031

28years said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I just want to bounce this off of you and get some opinions.* I am planning a trip with my kids* up N for a family function and from there to NYC to take my kids to see family and the city. I get a call from my H and he is like I was thinking I could meet up with you n the kids and go to the family function and to NYC with you guys. Mind you this is on the heals of him supposedly coming to visit last week and visit the kids and help me finish some things with the house. Which btw he did not make and gave the reason that he had to work this weekend and would not be able to spend a full week. I just don't understand what this man thinks, he lets my kids down by saying he cant make it because he would only have less than a week with them and now he wants to come where we are going to be to tag along. I know my kids want to see their father and I don't want to be a total ***** but I just cant get past the b***s on this guy. If you are familiar with my story please share what you think.
> 
> Thanks,
> 28years


Why does he get to go on a trip for YOU and YOUR kids that is planned by you for your kids? He chose not to be a part of this new family he threw away didn't he?

He is used to getting what he wants isn't he? He is hell bent on cake eating regardless of what others may need or want!


----------



## Satya

No need to be rude or flippant, just say no because he said no originally and you made plans accordingly.
If he actually wants to go, next time he can commit from the start.

He can always find something to do with the kids on his own. He's a grown arse man.
Go have a nice time with your kids.


----------



## Openminded

Tell him no.


----------



## Affaircare

28years said:


> ... I get a call from my H and he is like, "I was thinking I could meet up with you n the kids and go to the family function and to NYC with you guys."


"You said no originally and we made plans based on your choice, so that will not work for us. Please enjoy your own plans with the kids. Bye!"


----------



## 28years

Bibi1031 said:


> Why does he get to go on a trip for YOU and YOUR kids that is planned by you for your kids? He chose not to be a part of this new family he threw away didn't he?
> 
> He is used to getting what he wants isn't he? He is hell bent on cake eating regardless of what others may need or want!


Bibi,

I don't know this man, the man who I was married to was not this selfish, self absorbed person. He would have looked down in disappointment on a man/woman who would do this to their spouse and children.

Its so disheartening to me,
28years


----------



## 28years

EleGirl said:


> Are you staying with family and/or friends? Or will you be in hotels? Where would he stay?
> 
> 
> I would be very tempted to not tell him no. Or just ignore his request to tag along.
> 
> Does he tell you when he is going to miss a visit with his children? Or does he just no show up?


Elegirl,

We will be staying in a hotel for the family function and with family in NYC. He is welcome to come to the family function because it is his family. Same in NYC we are visiting his family, but they are my family after 28 years of being with them its the way it is I love them. He just did not show when he said he would. Imagine our kids told me how's daddy gonna only spend one week with us when he's been spending all his time with this stranger and her family. They are hurt and insulted that's the problem with teens and young adults they base their ideas off your actions. I am sorry our kids have to experience this pain, I know how it feels my father did the same thing to me the only difference is I will make sure they get therapy so they can work through this.

28years


----------



## EleGirl

28years said:


> Elegirl,
> 
> We will be staying in a hotel for the family function and with family in NYC. He is welcome to come to the family function because it is his family. Same in NYC we are visiting his family, but they are my family after 28 years of being with them its the way it is I love them. He just did not show when he said he would. Imagine our kids told me how's daddy gonna only spend one week with us when he's been spending all his time with this stranger and her family. They are hurt and insulted that's the problem with teens and young adults they base their ideas off your actions. I am sorry our kids have to experience this pain, I know how it feels my father did the same thing to me the only difference is I will make sure they get therapy so they can work through this.
> 
> 28years


Then I guess he can show if he wants and not show if he wants.

Clearly his children are paying attention. I do feel badly for them.

If he shows, you can ignore him as much as possible.

Just interact with him according to the 180. That's for you, to protect you.


----------



## EleGirl

@28years

I his family aware that he is open having an affair under your nose?


----------



## frusdil

3Xnocharm said:


> I would tell him NOPE, **** off.


So would I.


----------



## 28years

EleGirl said:


> @28years
> 
> I his family aware that he is open having an affair under your nose?


Elegirl


Yes, I have exposed what he has done and his mother and father have told what he has done. I am very close to his parents they are my in laws but to me their my parents. We are all hurting, but I suspect some of his family will look the other way in order to maintain their relationship with him. I don't expect them not too he is their blood so I am trying to be fair in that. But it does not stop anyone from expressing their disappointment in his actions. 

28years


----------



## 28years

EleGirl said:


> Then I guess he can show if he wants and not show if he wants.
> 
> Clearly his children are paying attention. I do feel badly for them.
> 
> If he shows, you can ignore him as much as possible.
> 
> Just interact with him according to the 180. That's for you, to protect you.


I am printing out the 180 so its a constant checklist for me daily!


----------



## aine

28years said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I just want to bounce this off of you and get some opinions. I am planning a trip with my kids up N for a family function and from there to NYC to take my kids to see family and the city. I get a call from my H and he is like I was thinking I could meet up with you n the kids and go to the family function and to NYC with you guys. Mind you this is on the heals of him supposedly coming to visit last week and visit the kids and help me finish some things with the house. Which btw he did not make and gave the reason that he had to work this weekend and would not be able to spend a full week. I just don't understand what this man thinks, he lets my kids down by saying he cant make it because he would only have less than a week with them and now he wants to come where we are going to be to tag along. I know my kids want to see their father and I don't want to be a total ***** but I just cant get past the b***s on this guy. If you are familiar with my story please share what you think.
> 
> Thanks,
> 28years


I would say No way!

Why should you involve him in plans that did not include him originally? He blew up your family for the OW now he can suck up the consequences.

If he wants to see the kids then he can make separate arrangements to see them by filing for divorce or separation and then have a visitation time drawn up
Tell him, you do not want to hear from him, see him, etc. 
Is it possible that you have a third party where the kids could stay and see him for a few hours? e.g. arranged visitation

Please go and see lawyer before he does, file now. You are allowing him to string your along, give your hope and keep you hangind on as his Plan B.


----------



## Evinrude58

Here's the thing:

He has chosen to leave his family and abandon his wife for another woman.
You have got to make him own that decision.
If you give in to his desires every time he wants to spend little kibbkes of time with you and his own kids, he is getting what HE wants with his old, abandoned family, AND his new, better family (in his mind, we all know the other woman is by definition worthless).

You have got to 180 and distance yourself from the man. How can he NOT know that seeing him and spending time with him and your kids would be absolute torture for you? It would be like dangling a steak in front of a starving wolf.

Please listen: your husband is an I compassionate, unremotseful cheater. He thinks of nobody but himself.
BUT: He isn't the only man in the world. If you will ignore him and detach, and get yourself in a place mentally to give yourself to another man, there WILL be one come along that will love and be loyal to you. Until you do that and forget this guy and become indifferent to him, you are going to live in misery.

180. Detach, ignore, move forward with your life.
I would actually consider him dead. He IS dead. His love for you is dead. The man you knew truly is gone. 

Ask yourself--- could the man you married do this to you? Ever? In your wildest dreams? Nope. 
But he is doing it. It's because for you, he is no longer the same person. I truly think the person you knew is gone. You have to treat this new guy as a stranger..


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## mary35

28years said:


> I am printing out the 180 so its a constant checklist for me daily!


Good idea! Just remember though that the 180 is for you not your children. He is still their Dad and you want to encourage a relationship between them and you certainly don't want them to feel like they are in the middle of you two. It sounds like you are already keeping that in mind - so that is good. About the trip - personally, I think you should ask your children what they want. However - if they want him to come and participate in your trip activities, I don't think that means you have to invite him to travel or stay with you. He certainly can drive himself and arrange his own lodging. And you can let the kids interact with him as much as they desire too - while you keep a polite distance for your own sake.

The situation your husband has created is not only hard on you - but also very hard on your children (as I know you are already very aware of - unfortunately). It seems to me that the more they feel that their feelings are being considered the better. I realize that you only control your side of the equation in doing that - but at least they will feel like you are considering their feelings - even when your husband selfishly does not. 

My brother in law's wife cheated on him. While we all thought he was some what wimpy and way to easy on his wife in his treatment of her - we also recognized that he was trying his best to keep everything as civil as possible for his children's sake. Because of this unselfish attitude, she took advantage of him several times. Somehow he managed to keep his cool and would not abandon his mindset that his children's well being came first. Every decision he made was based on what was best for his children, which sometimes resulted in his ex walking all over him. He made a lot of sacrifices and swallowed a lot of pride but I have to admit that as much as I would have liked to see him give her what she had coming to her many times - his restraint over the years payed off in allowing his children to have as much access to both parents as possible - and allowed them to build a close relationship with both of their parents without ever feeling that they were choosing sides. I think it is a hard challenge to set up your boundaries and keep your distance for your own sanity and well being, while still communicating enough and being civil enough to your husband in order to co-parent. I feel for you having to go through this. But from all you have written - it sounds like you are doing really well so far. 

Before anyone beats me up over my story of my brother-in-law - I am not advocating that a BS rollover and allow a WS to walk all over them. I am just saying that the challenge of co-parenting in these situations are very difficult - and sometimes it forces the BS to make decisions or choices that are not in their own best interest - but are in the best interest of their children. 

It may be easier on 28 to be hard nose with her wayward husband and to stay as far away from him as possible right now - however that may not be what is best for her children. Clearly she is trying to do what is best for them - even when her husband is not! I applaud you, 28, for doing that!!!


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## EleGirl

28years said:


> I am printing out the 180 so its a constant checklist for me daily!


The following is how to do a 180 when you have children and have to have at least a bit of communication.

How does your husband communicate with you now? Is he calling you and talking to you? Is he texting you?

If he is calling you, do not answer. Text him back that you are busy and he needs to text you.

Get it so that all communication from him is via text. That way you can decide what to reply to and not reply to. Only reply quickly if it's very important. If he texts things like when he will be there to see the children, do not reply immediately. Wait hours, or days if you can. 

If he texts anything emotional or about your relationship, do not reply. You only reply to the business of raising your children.

The reason for waiting is to one, protect yourself emotionally; two, to let him know that you are no longer his wife and no longer readily available to him; and three, to give you time to think out your answers so that you do not send a knee-jerk reply to something emotional.

Now on the topic of this trip. If he does end up going, tell him that he has to get his own hotel room for the part where you are in a hotel. That is a text that you might want to send him. "If you are going to come to xyz, you need to get your own hotel room." Just leave short and blunt. If he replies back to argue this, don't reply or at most repeat your previous text telling him to get his own hotel room.

Does his family know that he is having an affair?


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## 28years

EleGirl said:


> The following is how to do a 180 when you have children and have to have at least a bit of communication.
> 
> How does your husband communicate with you now? Is he calling you and talking to you? Is he texting you?
> 
> If he is calling you, do not answer. Text him back that you are busy and he needs to text you.
> 
> Get it so that all communication from him is via text. That way you can decide what to reply to and not reply to. Only reply quickly if it's very important. If he texts things like when he will be there to see the children, do not reply immediately. Wait hours, or days if you can.
> 
> If he texts anything emotional or about your relationship, do not reply. You only reply to the business of raising your children.
> 
> The reason for waiting is to one, protect yourself emotionally; two, to let him know that you are no longer his wife and no longer readily available to him; and three, to give you time to think out your answers so that you do not send a knee-jerk reply to something emotional.
> 
> Now on the topic of this trip. If he does end up going, tell him that he has to get his own hotel room for the part where you are in a hotel. That is a text that you might want to send him. "If you are going to come to xyz, you need to get your own hotel room." Just leave short and blunt. If he replies back to argue this, don't reply or at most repeat your previous text telling him to get his own hotel room.
> 
> Does his family know that he is having an affair?


Yes, They know that he is having an affair.


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## 28years

Well you guys were soooo right. I should have said no but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Not only did he ruin our pans but he filed for divorce while I was on the road and then told me to file when we were talking and said he would agree to anything I asked just to give him the divorce. I guess I'm a fool who thought he would come back to us his family but I was wrong.


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## Bibi1031

28years said:


> Well you guys were soooo right. I should have said no but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Not only did he ruin our pans but he filed for divorce while I was on the road and then told me to file when we were talking and said he would agree to anything I asked just to give him the divorce. I guess I'm a fool who thought he would come back to us his family but I was wrong.


((((hugs))))) 28years. 

Now get him for every dime you deserve! A good lawyer can accomplish that easily. Sock it to him and show no mercy, it's all business from here on out!

Drag it all the way to court for as long as it takes, there is no other way. He will not want that. He needs his assets yesterday because he needs to live life in the now.


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## 28years

Bibi1031 ,
I cant believe it he only wants to give me 1750 perm alimony he makes over 100,000.00 a year I don't want to sound greedy but that amount doesn't even cover the mortgage and my car payment. Oh it is so on!!! Any suggestions on how to weed out a good lawyer.


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## Cynthia

28years said:


> Bibi1031 ,
> I cant believe it he only wants to give me 1750 perm alimony he makes over 100,000.00 a year I don't want to sound greedy but that amount doesn't even cover the mortgage and my car payment. Oh it is so on!!! Any suggestions on how to weed out a good lawyer.


You will have to move quickly as you have a limited amount of time to respond to his divorce filing.

#1 Get a book on divorce in your state. Read it thoroughly, so you know your rights and responsibilities and you know the legal procedures. This will help you find a decent attorney. This way you will know if someone is telling you what they think you want to hear or they are telling you the truth.

There are probably classes you can take that teach you about divorce in your area as well. Look into that and take any classes that you can. This will also help you find a good attorney, because the more information you have the better you are able to assess if someone is good or not.


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## happysnappy

I am so very sorry for you please don't beat yourself up. There is nothing you could have done. He did love you. He's a moron. Take him for all he is worth. My best friend just went through the same thing. My heart breaks for you and your kids 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

Don't feel bad about the alimony. You don't have to explain why you need him to pony up more. You are in the position that you currently are, because you trusted his word and believed that you two were a team. Now he has betrayed you and he should not get away leaving you in a bad position. It's called consequences.


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## Bibi1031

28years said:


> Bibi1031 ,
> I cant believe it he only wants to give me 1750 perm alimony he makes over 100,000.00 a year I don't want to sound greedy but that amount doesn't even cover the mortgage and my car payment. Oh it is so on!!! Any suggestions on how to weed out a good lawyer.


Do you know anybody that knows which family law lawyers are good in your area? Your husband is a lawyer, you must know someone who can help you with this. You are not taking him to the cleaners, just what is owed to you. That will be plenty and a heck of a lot more than what you WS wants to give you. 

That was the first thing my lawyer told me when I didn't believe him that my then WS wanted out but didn't want to screw me over. He just smiled and told me to get him the information he requested. I went to look for the documents he requested at home because I knew where they were cuz they had always been there, and the X had taken everything!

I never mistrusted my lawyer again. He was recommended to me by a teacher friend who got him because he was her cousin's divorce lawyer. She was our local weather lady and she was very well off. He helped her get what was hers by law and then some. Ask around; you will find a great match that is on your side and after your best interest even if it is going to cost you a bit. Mine did and he was worth his weight in Gold. Once I brought a lawyer to the mix, he had to find one and didn't want the divorce to take long. He wanted to be free ASAP. 

That was something else my lawyer told me. If we get your husband to agree on what I send the first time around, he will settle and we won't have to drag this in court. My lawyer was spot on. A divorce that was uncontested is to be done in 60 days in my state, but mine was dragged for almost 18 months! I paid the same fee for it though. Once it is uncontested, make sure you don't pay a penny more as it is not necessary. Get this in writing from your lawyer. 

I am pretty sure your WS won't want to drag this divorce all the way to court because it would take too long. He wants it fast and you are in no rush once you know you will get what you deserve more than likely.


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## Evinrude58

Permanent alimony? Wow.

I hate to see a guy paying the rest of his life, but in the case of your husband, he deserves it.
What he is doing to you is cruel and shameful. He deserves the shark you force him to pay for and deal with. 
Get what your lawyer says he should pay.

Your husband is a [email protected]&%#*^€¥¥

Never feel guilt about what he brings upon himself. You had nothing to do with thus divorce. He even said so, right?

F him.


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## 3Xnocharm

28years said:


> Well you guys were soooo right. I should have said no but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Not only did he ruin our pans but he filed for divorce while I was on the road and then told me to file when we were talking and said he would agree to anything I asked just to give him the divorce.* I guess I'm a fool who thought he would come back to us his family but I was wrong*.


After what he's done, he isnt worth having, and wouldnt deserve to be allowed back. Someone who can do this to you is not worthy of you.


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## MrRight

I have been following this a little. cant add anything constructive - just want to say as a guy - am disgusted with how he chose to "move on". 
Telling you he's never loved you effectively. Cant imagine why he would tell you that. It would have been enough to say he wants to move on, why twist the knife?

Hope you get a good settlement and move on yourself.


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## threelittlestars

28 years...you should have a hell of a lot in the 401k that he likely was building. you had a hand in building that. the alimony PLUS the retirement. You find a GOOD lawyer. I know you will want to play nice for your family, but your daughter wont really understand playing nice. Show your children a strong mom that will get and protect her part of retirement and will. After-all your children should get something for what he is doing. Him and his new nooky will drain and run through everything till there is likely nothing to leave your children. 

Now i know you probably want to say "Oh no...not him" ha.... over estimate his as*holery. think that he will be worse than you normally think. You will be glad you did. Never under estimate an ex. Don't be deluded, at this point he is an EX. 

So much hugs, what an ass... But you know what? He is making this so so so much easier on you. 

And....I am so sorry. <3


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## JohnA

This is a good place to start: State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source


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## 28years

He actually put that I deserve permanent alimony. I know that everyone is right about my husband and I know in time ill be good. But I am just emotionally busted. This is the perfect way to explain how I feel...... We love our children correct? Well imagine that you have been told by your parent for 27/28 years how much you love them and then one day they tell you , I don't really love you I just told you that because that's what a parent tells his child. This is what has been done to me and everyday I struggle with the words and the affection that I received from this man who thinks because he has told me his truth that I can just say oh okay don't worry Ill be fine we can still be friends. I don't think so, as far as I'm concerned he is just as bad as someone who's physically abusive. He has left me mentally abused how cruel could you be to be so affectionate and loving and then tell that person oh I did that because this is how a husband treats his wife. I would not do this to anyone, lie to them and lead them to believe a love that was not true. My son told me the other day that he was not made in love because that is how he interprets what he heard his father say to me. I told him to never say that again because when he was created it was out of love because I love him to never think that. I also told him that his father loves him too. My heart is in pieces not only for myself but for my children. I feel like I have taken some steps backwards but I know I must be strong for my family. Thanks for the support.

28years


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## Evinrude58

He is lying to you, he's lying to himself. He did love you. You know he did. But his own selfish desires allowed him to invest his feelings in another woman. He then fell out of love with you of his own choice.
He tells you he never loved you to assuage his own guilt.

He's not the man you once knew.
Really.
I'm sorry.


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## 28years

Evinrude58 said:


> He is lying to you, he's lying to himself. He did love you. You know he did. But his own selfish desires allowed him to invest his feelings in another woman. He then fell out of love with you of his own choice.
> He tells you he never loved you to assuage his own guilt.
> 
> He's not the man you once knew.
> Really.
> I'm sorry.


I know your right thank you </3


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## Bibi1031

28years said:


> He actually put that I deserve permanent alimony. I know that everyone is right about my husband and I know in time ill be good. But I am just emotionally busted. This is the perfect way to explain how I feel...... We love our children correct? Well imagine that you have been told by your parent for 27/28 years how much you love them and then one day they tell you , I don't really love you I just told you that because that's what a parent tells his child. This is what has been done to me and everyday I struggle with the words and the affection that I received from this man who thinks because he has told me his truth that I can just say oh okay don't worry Ill be fine we can still be friends. I don't think so, as far as I'm concerned he is just as bad as someone who's physically abusive. He has left me mentally abused how cruel could you be to be so affectionate and loving and then tell that person oh I did that because this is how a husband treats his wife. I would not do this to anyone, lie to them and lead them to believe a love that was not true. My son told me the other day that he was not made in love because that is how he interprets what he heard his father say to me. I told him to never say that again because when he was created it was out of love because I love him to never think that. I also told him that his father loves him too. My heart is in pieces not only for myself but for my children. I feel like I have taken some steps backwards but I know I must be strong for my family. Thanks for the support.
> 
> 28years


Dear 28years, your pain is normal. Your loss is huge and so is the loss for your kids. The only crazy one is sadly your WS. Allow the pain to wash through you, the man you love and loved you is no more. The wonderful father your children had is no more. That man is gone and more than likely never will return. Please protect yourself financially while mourning this huge loss. There is no other way out of this hell but through it. Time will do what needs to be done to bring acceptance one day. 

Please get to a doctor if you haven't yet. I had too or I could not shake the depression and anxiety that hit me. I took them for a little less than a year and I finally started weeing off of them with the help of my doctor. It will help you get the edge off not necessarily numb you. The meds will help a lot. 

As to him not ever loving you, it's a lie. You and your children know that is not true. That is cheater speak coming from his mouth. My X told me that he had no idea what love was. For someone that didn't know what love was, he surely had the Oscar won that year for his incredible performance for 20 of our 21 years, plus the 3.5 we dated.

He is going to spew a lot of nonsense, that is why it is soooooo important not to talk to him at all about anything that doesn't have to do with finances. When you get a lawyer you don't even have to talk about finances or the divorce either. It will all go through your lawyers. 

Please remember that he is no award winning actor, you and your children would have known all those years if the love you received was non existent. You guys know better than to believe a cheating liar. 

((((hugs))))


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## MrRight

Evinrude58 said:


> He is lying to you, he's lying to himself. He did love you. You know he did. But his own selfish desires allowed him to invest his feelings in another woman. He then fell out of love with you of his own choice.
> He tells you he never loved you to assuage his own guilt.
> 
> He's not the man you once knew.
> Really.
> I'm sorry.


I agree with you. You dont spend 28 years with a woman, raise children etc - and then say I never loved you. 
I think his feelings probably changed with time and he simply forgot the good times etc. 
But he exposed a malicious streak - maybe he felt he could only move on if he destroyed what he previously had. But it's a cruel, rotten and selfish
way to do it - esp to a woman who has probably been there for him all those years - brought up his children etc - baked him cookies with all her love etc.


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## Bibi1031

28years said:


> I know your right thank you </3


*28 years of beautiful lies* my bouncy behind 28years! I hope you are not drinking his koolaid anymore. The response of your quoted above helps me see that you don't buy his lies. Your children shouldn't either.

Please detach an implement the 180 on his lousy deceitful, cheating arse! That is what he deserves from you at this point in time.


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## 2020hindsight

MrRight said:


> I agree with you. You dont spend 28 years with a woman, raise children etc - and then say I never loved you.
> I think his feelings probably changed with time and he simply forgot the good times etc.
> But he exposed a malicious streak - maybe he felt he could only move on if he destroyed what he previously had. But it's a cruel, rotten and selfish
> way to do it - esp to a woman who has probably been there for him all those years - brought up his children etc - baked him cookies with all her love etc.


It's a cruel, rotten, and selfish way to do it, agreed, but it's also common for cheaters to do it this way. It's as if they're all quoting dialog from Cheater Textbook 101.  It's a surreal experience to hear those words coming from a formerly loving and affectionate spouse. 

In the end, I had to think of my husband as dead. Because the man I had loved would never have behaved that way.


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