# financial abuse...how bad is this? Feels pretty horrible



## bsvanilla2 (Oct 3, 2016)

My fiancé is hurting me with his financial issues. 

I make a lot of money. And I give him every cent I make. I deposit into our joint account that's at MY bank. Which is Bank of America. He loves his bank. Wells Fargo. 

He controls all the finances. I moved into his house and he doesn't believe in splitting finances. So he gives me a credit card that earns miles/points and makes me use that as a debit card. 

I spend less than half of what I earn each month even when I divide his mortgage etc in half and figure that into the bills. 

Today be told me I am a "bad partner" because I don't understand the importance of opening a bank account at HIS bank because he says the extra step of going to OUR bank (my bank) and withdrawing the cash from MY PAY CHECK and placing it in HIS bank account...is a complete slap in the face. He says that I am just impossible to deal with and he can't have any faith in me as a partner. He leaves about 10 dollars in the account within hours of my paycheck hitting the joint account

I didn't react to his horrible words and tried not to fight. He then says that my lack of reaction shows I could care less and he is sick and tired of my lack of care over very important issues. 

I said you can go to the bank or do an online transfer from one account to the other? WTH. He said that I like to make things impossible and have an excuse for everything. 

He said that he needs the money ASAP and the online transfer takes a day and the fact that I don't get that shows again I am not a good partner and he can't have any trust in me. 

I am so sick of this. And no matter what I say...it's not good enough. 

I know I'm being financially abused. How bad is this? What would you do?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I can't believe this is even a question.

Move out and close all joint accounts.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

This story has been posted here several times.

Wish my memory was as good when it came time to finding my car keys.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> This story has been posted here several times.
> 
> Wish my memory was as good when it came time to finding my car keys.


It's like all those "new" movies and TV series like "Lethan Weapon". No creativity so they bring back the old stuff with new faces and better special effects. 

They make a device for your cellphone, you clip it onto any object and you can find it using an app.

Here's an example for you.

https://www.thetileapp.com/


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## bsvanilla2 (Oct 3, 2016)

Unfortunately...this is real. This is still my situation and I am trying to get help and support. 

SO there's no fixing this? Move out is all I can do, right? I just need some support. I have no family or friends left to talk to... because I wore out my welcome. Please just give me support.



caruso said:


> It's like all those "new" movies and TV series like "Lethan Weapon". No creativity so they bring back the old stuff with new faces and better special effects.
> 
> They make a device for your cellphone, you clip it onto any object and you can find it using an app.
> 
> ...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

We don't have any magic potion to turn your boyfriend into a better person.

Fortunately, you make lots of money so you won't be homeless if you move out.

There's your answer.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't marry this man. Period.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you married? If not, then just leave. This isn't worth trying to fix. 

If you are married, contact a lawyer. 


There is just too much wrong here to be worth trying to fix. 

If you really want to stay, then since you earn the money, it stays in your account and you give him a reasonable spending allowance.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Is the fckign you're getting worth the fcking you're taking? 

The answer to that simple question solves all of your problems in life. You just have to act on it. Dump him, unless he's the fcking is that good.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Seriously?? All I can think when reading the OP is 'this man's pimp hand is strong'! 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

tech-novelist said:


> We don't have any magic potion to turn your boyfriend into a better person.
> 
> .


Actually, we DO have a magic potion. I searched and found this:


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would pack up and leave, never give a man all your earnings you never know when you need it.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> This story has been posted here several times.
> 
> Wish my memory was as good when it came time to finding my car keys.


Looks like Weirdo567 is bored again.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

In the realm of a realistic advice. Go to your (second worst bank in The USA) and open a new account. Talk to your HR department and have you automatic deposit moved to your account. You personally transfer your agreed amount (i think you said half) into the joint account. Or into his account at (worst bank in the USA) his bank. If he starts with the bad partner bit explain to him that the term partner means equal and as soon as he starts putting half of his pay into your bank you will be willing to discuss partnership. until then he needs to take care of the bills with what you have sent.

I regularly transfer funds between banks in different states and there is no waiting period. Money is there in minutes. Seriously my daughter has called me from the highway and I have had money in her account in time for her to buy auto parts, pay the mechanic, etc. 

If you are wondering US Bank is 3rd.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Let's say you can get over the financial issue, and you agree to deposit you check into his account. Are you happy?

No, because his behavior is a symptom of the issue that he's a sick, manipulative, controlling jerk. Once the financial issue is settled, get ready for a lifetime of additional issues related to his fundamental personality problem. 

Tell him that he's right. You're not a good partner for him. Wish him luck and send him on his way.

What the heck is he spending your money on anyway?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bsvanilla2 said:


> ... I am trying to get help and support.
> 
> I just need some support.
> 
> Please just give me support.


I don't know how much support you can get in cyberspace. What type of support do you seek? Folks are telling you to get your money out of his account and move out like yesterday.

You mentioned your friends and family offer no support because you wore out your welcome. Just a guess, but they probably grew tired of hearing you complain but doing nothing about getting out of a terrible relationship.

I, too, have some doubts are the authenticity of this thread.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

bsvanilla2 said:


> I am so sick of this. And no matter what I say...it's not good enough.
> 
> I know I'm being financially abused. How bad is this? What would you do?


^^^^ You've just answered your own question.

Since you know you're being abused, you know that this relationship should be over; like, right now.

If you stay with him, you are an idiot. Sorry, I hope using harsh language will get through to you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Without saying a word, transfer your direct deposit into an account of your own that he cannot access. Pack up your personal belongings. Find a cheap place to stay that is available immediately. Move. Find a better place when you can. Block him from all forms of contact. 

Maybe, if you're lucky, your friends and family will want you in their lives again when you are not with this.. "man" ..anymore.


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## bsvanilla2 (Oct 3, 2016)

He told me last night that he is going to go get a large loan to help him with this business needs etc because it's very clear that he can't rely on me. And that he wants to make sure that if I "bolt out" because I am feeling insecure in our relationship...he's not left with his pants down. 

He said that he's sick of my need to control the money... he says the fact that I am not pestering my clients for my checks shows my lack of respect for him and for his work. I said I can't pester my clients! The first was on a saturday -- most likely I will get paid on the following monday? I can't call them on a sunday and ask them wtf? 

As it turned out - my check was direct depositied into his account yesterday -- the client paid on the 3rd because the FIRST was indeed on a saturday.

He said he just can't trust me...and he can't believe the games I like to play ..to have power and control over him.

I am sick to my stomach. I was trying to think of any good in this relationship right now.. and I can't say there is....

He is mad all the time. He's arguing with me all the time and then saying I started the fight because I simply ask a question. He is getting his own line of credit so he can feel secure.. without me. 

He told me this morning that his decisions regarding his job would be SO EASY if he didn't have me in his life and he could easily have peace -- but that the fact that he ISN'T making those easy decisions is proof that he still wants to be with me. He said if he didn't ...he would slam the door, do what he has to do...and move on. But, he can't... because he loves me. 

And the next conversation he went back into how he was so annoyed with my constant need to ask him quedstions about our money. 

Does ANYONE ever have relationships like this??? Is this even remotely normal?



MJJEAN said:


> Without saying a word, transfer your direct deposit into an account of your own that he cannot access. Pack up your personal belongings. Find a cheap place to stay that is available immediately. Move. Find a better place when you can. Block him from all forms of contact.
> 
> Maybe, if you're lucky, your friends and family will want you in their lives again when you are not with this.. "man" ..anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, your relationship is not even remotely normal. It's so bad that it's clear to everyone but you that you need to leave him ASAP.

Do you know that once he gets that line of credit that YOU are responsible for paying it. Sure he is too. But if he does not pay it, they will come after you.

This line of credit is nothing more than a trick to get money from you indirectly.

So tell me, why are you staying in this hell?


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## bsvanilla2 (Oct 3, 2016)

We aren't married....So... I don't think I will have to pay. We are engaged..and were supposed to get married "soon". 

It's the fear of being alone....and the fact that while he is a complete arse to me with his words -- I see that he tries to do things to help me. When I met him....we were so amazing together. Now, it's just constant fighting... and not from me. It's even when I am trying to help -- I am not doing it right. 

Last paycheck, I went and transferred my paycheck online into our JOINT account ASAP. He was livid because I didn't go and get cash and hand it to him...because it takes a day to post the money into his account (he said) since I did it online.

I said I went and transfered the money AS SOON AS IT HIT MY ACCOUNT and you are mad because I didn't get CASH and hand it to you? He said he has never seen someone try to make his life so difficult and play games with him.... 

I said I can't do anything right??? He said if you were thinking straight you would have known that I need cash in hand -- NOW I have to go the bank and get cash and THEN go to my bank and put cash in MY account and pay bills.

This is a great example (thanks for letting me type it out here) that I can NEVER do anything right. Even when I am trying... 

I stay because I'm scared of leaving... scared of being on my own. Scared of never finding someone who loves me.. He swears he loves me more than anything.... but this is just feeling more like pain...than love.


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

Make sure your name is not on that line of credit, no hint of it at all, and certainly NO SIGNATURE. 

As the others have said, change his job title from "Fiance" to "Some guy I used to know" ASAP


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He is abusing you and stealing your money. This is not even close to a normal relationship.

Why are you afraid of being on your own? Why is that worse than living with an abusive leech? Why do you think you would have trouble finding someone who loves you and treats you well?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bsvanilla2 said:


> I stay because I'm scared of leaving... scared of being on my own. Scared of never finding someone who loves me.. He swears he loves me more than anything.... but this is just feeling more like pain...than love.


You are alone right now with him. He beats on your emotionally constantly. And who is there to support you emotionally? You are alone right now living with someone who is eating you alive emotionally.

Of course you will be able to find someone else... after you heal from this horrible relationship. After you get some counseling and deal with the fact that you allowed yourself to be treated like this. He's a problem. But so are you because you allow this.

If you are afraid to be alone, get a dog or a cat.


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## bsvanilla2 (Oct 3, 2016)

The hardest part is ripping the band-aid off... well actually the hardest part will probably be the withdrawal. 

But, leaving feels like jumping out of plane to me... and I do not feel very strong right now.

Just listen to this though... this is my morning.

He's been thinking of moving a couple hours away and taking a job there. I can work either place because I work remotely a lot. But, it will impact me if we move -- not as much -- but it will. 

This weekend he said FOR SURE we were going to move. That was it - he said he made the decision. 

This was about the fourth time he told me that -- after deciding that we were NOT moving.

This morning, he said that he isn't sure anymore.... my behavior is making him feel paralyzed regarding what to do..anyway. I said how? He said you want an answer NOW. (He has to decide for work by Oct 31!) I said I just want to know where we are going to live?

He said why? I said because I would like to know...one way or another. He said so this is how you are? You clearly have a hidden agenda here..and you have some nerve demanding an answer out of me right now. I said I just want to know where your head is... what are you thinking? He said that he does not know -- and that should be a good enough answer for me. 

He said the fact that I am even asking and "pressuring him" is very worrisome and it makes him think he shouldn't even consider me at all... because it's clear I am doing some "plotting to leave him" when he's not looking... and he's too smart for me. I can't even do that without getting caught by him...

That was our conversation this morning. Please tell me I'm not the psychotic one here. I am so worn down. I'm sitting at work and seriously... so exhausted. I want to go into the bathroom away from everyone and stare at a wall. I'm just not okay.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just make the decision for him.

Tell him that you want to move. That a new start will be good for both of you.

Let him move. You then move to some place of your own.

There, it's done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bsvanilla2,

Ok.... so you are the person we call *Weirdo567*. Yesterday you started two different accounts here on TAM, one for each of the threads that you started.

missyhouse7 & bsvanilla2

One of them complaining about his horrible insecurity, threats of leaving you, etc. And then this thread.

Under most of your user names you are married to this guy. But here you are not married to him. 

In some of them you have a son, in others it's a daughter.

Your might be telling us your real story... in general but just switching up some facts to try to hide that it's you. 

But this has gotten to be more than ridiculous. You have literally dozens of accounts on TAM that have banned. And then you keep creating more. No one here knows whether to believe you or not. I can see why your friends and family have abandoned you, if this is how you treat people... lying to them.

Sadly, I think that you and your story are real. But you will not work with us here at TAM and follow our rules. Somehow you think that you are superior and above us. You are not.

As we have told you many times on TAM, we cannot help you on TAM. You have problems that are far too deep seated within yourself for a site like TAM to help. Go get into counseling. Go find someone who will help you leave this man who has broken your wrist, stolen your money, and abuses you horribly. But do it elsewhere. We cannot help you.

Months ago I gave you an opportunity to create one account and stick to it. But you just played games with me. So I have no choice but to ban this account.

So, once again I will ban you and the other active accounts I just found that you have created recently.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Relationships should not be this difficult.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Don't continue this relationship. This is basically how my marriage got off to a very bad start. She wanted us to have a joint account so we did and within a couple of weeks it was drained. I couldn't pay any bills, mortgage car payment or anything. So we would not have had to declare bankruptcy, I had to open my own account she had no access to. When she went to our account and started bouncing checks she started called me controlling. I should have dumped her right then and there.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Sadly, I think that you and your story are real.


I can't imagine why.


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

yes i am real. And I believe I messaged you long ago when you made the request that I verify myself... and I did.

Please don't ban me. I feel crushed when this happens. I get strength and momentum and then you shame me. I am sorry that I am not following the rules but I want help. Being constantly blocked -- doesn't give me an opportunity to say "hey, it's me! Please don't block me and let me use this account!" 

So, please let me keep an open account. Let me tell my story. Can I please be consistent with THIS account?

As for my details, It wasn't my wrist..it was my ring finger. It broke during a struggle over my bag when I tried to leave him and the house. He wouldn't let go and he yanked the bag and my finger was so severely broken, I had to have 3 screws in it.

I quietly worked with police and got him arrested for assault. He spent a bunch of money and got the best attorney and not only got the charges dismissed, but expunged from his record. He threatened to sue me for reporting him -- even though I never lied about how it happened. He said that there was no proof since it happened in our closet and it was my word against his. 

Somehow, we got back together. "I" begged him to take me back and now he punishes me every day in some way for making his life a living hell. He found out he lost his job because of this ruining his reputation and making him unstable. So, he blames me for that too. 

He wants me to support us financially until he gets his new business going and profitable. 

Yes, I moved 2.5 hours from my son to live with him. My son is 10. I have asked that since he is now without a job -- that we move near my son. He has said that he would....several times. Now, he is wavering again as I explained.

He says because of my track record of the arrest, he isn't sure when we will get married. However, he tells everyone that we ARE married -- we wear rings...and he does this, so it looks better for his image. He told all of his colleagues that "I" didn't report him..the doctor who saw me ..did. Which is true. HE DID. That's where it began and I also helped the district attorney answer questions. He tells the world it was all a big misunderstanding.

I am not in therapy because he says anytime I see my therapist I am threatening our relationship because it makes him feel very unstable about what I might be plotting to do. He KNOWS a therapist says to leave... so he keeps me away. 

He takes all of my money and if I don't give him my paychecks IMMEDIATELY... he says he can't count on me. And that I'm a "bad partner" and he can't see how this will ever work... 

Coming here and posting...writing out this story...helps me understand how dysfunctional ...this is and it helps me realize how off the wall my situation is, as well. I have no one to talk to....because he is threatened by anyone I speak with.... But then gets mad that I don't have friends. 

I made one good friend who couldn't believe that I went back after my finger broke and he was arrested and while she was still in my life...my fiance .... didn't want me to have anything to do with her...becuase in his words.. "she's a fun*ing bit*h"

Please just let me post here... let me see the reaction -- it helps me to realize that the world should not be like this...


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Um...

GTFO


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You don't want help. You have no intention of getting out. Put up or shut up.


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

I do intend to get out. I even have a friend renting an apartment for me today secretly....I am doing this. It will be available for me on saturday! 

I am just asking for support... I need it... 



3Xnocharm said:


> You don't want help. You have no intention of getting out. Put up or shut up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you at home right now?

Where is your son?


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

I am currently at work. My fiance drives with me to my son's town...about twice a week...I work remotely most of the time. He drops me off because we come in one car. 

My son lives with his dad... and he is currently at school and doing very well. I am in town (with my fiance') until tomorrow night because I am watching my son while my ex is out of town for work. We are unfortunatley staying at a hotel...as always.

In additon, my fiance has the cell phone account and he goes through every single number I dial and text.. so I have had to have my friend call the apartment people and everyting...to get this done without him knowing.

My fiance -- on the surface -- has it al together. As you will remember he is a surgeon. He is now going into private practice because his contract was not renewed because he was constantly calling sick to surgeries...so he could follow me if I was going to my son's hometown. He's very good looking...super fit and extremley charming. That's what makes it hard...he tells the world the problem is ME and they believe it... he is so convincing.

HE said that he would move to my son's town with me..and start his practice here. But, of course that only lasts abuot a day.

and THNAK YOU for letting me post here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have money in your own account, right?


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

I don't. He took it yesterday. However, my client (in my son's town) has a monthly paycheck waiting for me at his office. My fiance is VERY mad that I haven't gone to pick up since I should have gotten it FOR HIM asap. I told him that my client is out of town and I have to wait to get it -- until friday. This has sent him off the deep end...and telling me that he can't count on me at all. Again, berating me ... 



EleGirl said:


> Are you at home right now?
> 
> Where is your son?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bbvanilla22 said:


> I don't. He took it yesterday. However, my client (in my son's town) has a monthly paycheck waiting for me at his office. My fiance is VERY mad that I haven't gone to pick up since I should have gotten it FOR HIM asap. I told him that my client is out of town and I have to wait to get it -- until friday. This has sent him off the deep end...and telling me that he can't count on me at all. Again, berating me ...


Do you really have to wait until Friday? Could you pick it up today?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

bbvanilla22 said:


> That's what makes it hard...he tells the world the problem is ME and they believe it... he is so convincing.


Stop caring what "the world" thinks. You are the only one that matters and he's obviously lost his ability to manipulate you. For the most part.

You've got a job, you've now got your paychecks going elsewhere and you've got an apartment you're moving to next week.

Sounds to me like you're well on the road to fixing things. Get your own bank account it will make depositing your paychecks easier.

Expect him to start acting really nice when he realizes you're serious about leaving.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

check you pm's


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

caruso said:


> Stop caring what "the world" thinks. You are the only one that matters and he's obviously lost his ability to manipulate you. For the most part.
> 
> You've got a job, you've now got your paychecks going elsewhere and you've got an apartment you're moving to next week.
> 
> ...


Where did she say that she was moving out next week?


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

I said that I had a friend who was getting me an apartment so I can move out...when the time is right.

And I PM'd you. Thank you... the reason I need to wait for my check is because he is driving me around ...and I don't want him to force me to deposit it .. espeically when I have my son tonight.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

bbvanilla22 said:


> I said that I had a friend who was getting me an apartment so I can move out...when the time is right.
> 
> And I PM'd you. Thank you... the reason I need to wait for my check is because he is driving me around ...and I don't want him to force me to deposit it .. espeically when I have my son tonight.


Well you don't have to TELL him that you have it!


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

you don't understand. That's all this man cares about. he has the car -- he will drop me off at the office. If I come out without it he will search my bag.. he has done it before. And he was right...the last time...I hid the check and he found it and demanded I stop lying and hiding money from him ...

He will not be okay with me coming out of the office without the check. In fact, he has asked before to go IN with me... and the fact that I said no....he accused me of cheating on him with the male client... since I wasn't "proud of him" and showing him off.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

bbvanilla22 said:


> you don't understand. That's all this man cares about. he has the car -- he will drop me off at the office. If I come out without it he will search my bag.. he has done it before. And he was right...the last time...I hid the check and he found it and demanded I stop lying and hiding money from him ...
> 
> He will not be okay with me coming out of the office without the check. In fact, he has asked before to go IN with me... and the fact that I said no....he accused me of cheating on him with the male client... since I wasn't "proud of him" and showing him off.


He does sound rather controlling.

What do you suppose would happen if you just said "F&^k off, if you try to search me you're going to get your fingers broken"


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

It's just non stop drama and emotional abuse. He will scream and yell...and probably threaten to leave me without a car...while I am hear with my son for the ngiht. He will cause major tension in front of my son...and he will come unglued.

I have experienced so much fighting over the past 2 weeks....the screaming yelling..insults. I am not capable of taking much more...


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

trying to send PM's...and just fyi...it says I can only send 5 every 60 minutes...so I can no longer send them for awhile... 

I should say that I could have a courier act as my "assistant' and go pick up my paycheck... and that way I will have it ready for me when I go... If the courier drops it to me while I'm at work tomorrow.. I can just say I never got the check. 

No one will have driven me...

Also, I have a GPS tracker on my phone. We share locations. Right now...if I shut it off he will be SUPER suspicious and freak out. He will accuse me of leaving work to meet a man or something... 

I have my son tonight...through tomorrow night. He will be at school during the day tomrrowo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where is your husband when you are at work?

How many hours are you at work?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

@bbvanilla22

In order to help you better, a bit more information is needed so please clarify.

Please answer one simple question.

*ARE YOU MARRIED TO THIS MAN OR NOT??*

One simple question.

Yes- You are married
No- You are engaged to BE married.

One question. One answer. Easy as pie.

Thank you.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

deleted


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

I was common law married to him. I live in Texas. We did it for insurance. When he got arrested. He filed to have it voided. We still tell people we are married. But we are not. And while he's taking my money...he is not eager to marry me. 

Also how do I pay to get the PM forum support increased?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

bbvanilla22 said:


> We still tell people we are married. But we are not. And while he's taking my money...he is not eager to marry me.


Ok so you're not married, you just consider yourself to be married.

So then please explain this post of yours: 



Weirdo567 said:


> I shut up and quietly researched lawyers to talk to on Monday.
> 
> Even if I don't divorce him I need to talk to a lawyer to learn how to protect my money.


Why would you need to talk to a lawyer about divorce if you aren't married?


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

We were married at that time. Like I said common law marriage...in Texas. But he got it voided.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

If he voided the marriage then *why did you post that you need to get a lawyer and get divorced?*

See look you posted it here:



Weirdo567 said:


> I shut up and quietly researched lawyers to talk to on Monday.
> 
> Even if I don't divorce him I need to talk to a lawyer to learn how to protect my money.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

bbvanilla,

This man, it's a stretch to call him one, is only interested in your money and what he can get from you, please see that and move on. 

Little by little he will isolate you from everyone that matters to you, he wants to control you utterly. 

His attacking you in front of your son is an effort to reduce your sons respect for you. This alone is 200% justification for dropping him completely.

Men like this are often the most charming people on earth until you say NO. The sissy will cry and rage and hold his breath but don't look back.

Tamat


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm wondering why you're not in a shelter right now. Yes it's THAT bad. I don't care how good looking and magnanimous he is or what he does for a living. I don't care if he's the pope. You must must must get out right this very minute . He sounds extremely dangerous.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

So I have been with him and my son tonight. While at dinner, he got an email about activity on the bank account. My business account (which he manages) 

He checked the balance and saw a cash withdrawal yesterday. HE did IT. He manages MY account. But since I tried leaving once before and took money out of my business account when he didn't know...he flipped out. He didn't realize HE did it today. He started shaking and making this face that I know is full of rage. 

I grabbed his phone and showed him HE did that. He finally calmed down. I told him to apologize. He sarcastically did and said you must get off on this..."make me apologize thing". 

He was angry and said my reaction to all of this makes him VERY nervous and very insecure about me. 

When we were walking away I said you were shaking!!! Over something you did! And it's my business account! He said that we need every dime and if I act this way he is ready to panic. That there "is no room for error and he has a zero tolerance for Any money movement". He says "don't [email protected] up ...or you won't see me ever again".


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

bbvanilla22 said:


> When we were walking away I said you were shaking!!! Over something you did! And it's my business account! He said that we need every dime and if I act this way he is ready to panic. That there "is no room for error and he has a zero tolerance for Any money movement". He says "don't [email protected] up ...or you won't see me ever again".


Then "fvck up", take all your money out of your account and put it in another account in another bank. Hold the door open for him when he leaves and let it hit him where the sun doesn't shine.

IamSomebody


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bbvanilla22 said:


> That's the problem. I have gotten away with working remotely. But my boss recently asked me to be in the office more. Rafael said that my job is no comparison to him (he's a surgeon) and he can give a [email protected] what my boss wants. He says I won't get fired...,so screw them.


Go into work anyway. IF he will not let you, dial 911 and wait for the police to show up. he's holding you prisoner.



bbvanilla22 said:


> I need to talk this out if you don't mind. I admire him so much for what he does and how talented and smart he is. So when I think about him (despite his disrespect at times) I think of a very powerful and attractive man.


I was married to a physician is was also abusive. Men like this, not all doctors but abusive men who are doctors, often use their perceived power to hurt the women that they are in relationships with. Their need to control their spouse/SO is so strong that they will destroy their entire life to exercise the control.
You need to start looking at him as a man who abuses his power.


bbvanilla22 said:


> The fact that he reschedules surgeries to travel with me to my work city and my son city...makes me think he loves me and he makes tremendous sacrifices for me. I know it's prob about control...but I see it as love.


So in your mind, he let down his patients, people who needed his skills, because he loves you so much that he was willing to injure his patients. And you call this love?

When you were feeling all this ‘love’, did you think about the sick people who had to reschedule necessary surgery so that he could be with you to control you? Is that a doctor who you respect? Someone who neglects his ill patients? Really?

He has such a need to control you that he was willing to injure his patients. 


bbvanilla22 said:


> I doubt anyone will give a **** about me again especially a surgeon who wants to reschedule everything for me...


What you need to understand is that this is not about love. It’s about control. He clearly has no capacity to love. He did not reschedule everything because he loves you. He did it because in order to feel good about himself he has to control someone… you are it for right now. He cannot control you without you allowing him to control you. He’s clearly a psychotic narcissist. And you are letting him control you. He feels more powerful when he is controlling you than when he’s doing the work that he trained to do for so many years.

Right now he has lost his job due to his incompetence (yes he was incompetent when he ignored his patients who needed his skills). So now, his need to control you has skyrocketed. This is a guy who is going to lose his medical license before this is all over with. How special will he be to you once that’s done?

How do you feel about him right now that the lost his job because he cannot even bother to show up to work?

Think of the big, empty dark hole that is in him that something as petty as controlling your every move is so necessary for him to feel good. And the more he controls you, the more he will need to control you… until he completely distorts you.

This is not love. I have to question your mental state if you think this is love.


bbvanilla22 said:


> That's the basis of my fear of leaving. I see his control as love.


You have a serious issue if you think that control is love. His controlling you is not about him loving you. It’s about him loving himself. People who control others as he does do it to suck every bit of life out of the person they are controlling. This is why sever control, like what he is doing to you, very often ends in the guy killing the woman. Your life is in danger. So is your son’s life.


bbvanilla22 said:


> To answer your question. He only drops me for about 2-3 hours. And I really need to work and meet with people...


Well, when he drops you off, you work and meet the people. And while there, you make arrangements for the police to show up. You have the police come into your office or some other room in the building and tell them that you need their help because your significant other (boyfriend) is holding you hostage and will be there soon to pick you up. And you are afraid.

If you can sneak out before he gets there, have a taxi come get you and just leave. Reset access to your bank account so that he cannot access your account. (its in your name only, right)?

Then use his cards to go buy yourself a new phone. And then go get yourself your own hotel somewhere.
You can then get a restraining order to keep him away from your work, etc.
YOu can have the police meet you at the house you shared with him and they will stand guard while you get your stuff. Take someone with you even if you need to hire someone to help.

This is all completely doable.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

This guy is a complete creep with potential for greater violence. Get away from him as soon as possible, following @EleGirl's advice. When you do get away, don't give him any indication of where you are or who you're living with. Turn off your GPS tracking the moment you leave. Write him a goodbye note saying whatever is necessary to placate him as best as possible. Tell him that he's correct that he cannot rely on you and wish him the best in his new "business".


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

thanks for the support, guys. 

It’s definitely a struggle. My apartment is not available until tomorrow….but at least it will be there when I get this courage to go…

This morning he was terribly angry with me again. He mentioned that he was trying to go back and get a loan that he already told me he was refused because he didn’t have a 5 year lease for an office. 

All I said was….”i thought you had to have a 5 year lease for that?” 

He snapped and said that it’s ridiculous that he even speaks to me.. that I question everything and put roadblocks up…. and that everything I do in my life….sets him back.

I said I simply asked a question! He said that my questions are extremely irritating and that this is just not a happy life…

I said how am I supposed to be happy when you are yelling at me? He said … you just are an unhappy person and this is a nightmare life that will never change….

I said what am I supposed to take away from that? He said .. “whatever you want…” I’m done with your questions and interrogations…

He quieted down and dropped me off at work and then texted that he loved me and that the reason he gets so upset is he really just wants to see me happy and make all my dreams come true…and now that he doesn’t have his salary/contract anymore …and he has to go into private practice…He can’t do that. And he feels like a piece of sh*t.

That LAST part …is the truth… I know that is the source of all of his frustration…and that’s what makes leaving him hard. I want to help him and be there for him….but the screaming and yelling at me.. Is extremely unsettling…and it’s ALL the time..


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He is not going to get better. You will be miserable until you leave.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

bbvanilla22 said:


> And he feels like a piece of sh*t.


That's because he is one. This is the one thing he's correct about. But it has little to do with his career/business failures. It's more about his sick, paranoid, controlling BPD personality. 

Here's how this will play out. You'll move in to the apartment. He'll start looking for you. You'll miss him and start to feel sorry for him, so maybe you'll give away your location. He'll start love bombing you with a million texts and apologies and some in-person visits. He'll promise that he's changed and that he won't bother you about money or argue with you anymore--it was just a temporary crisis he was going through. He's different now. Then you'll move back in with him. And the whole thing starts all over again, rinse and repeat. 

This guy needs YEARS of work before he'l ever make a decent partner for ANYONE.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tatsuhiko said:


> That's because he is one. This is the one thing he's correct about. But it has little to do with his career/business failures. It's more about his sick, paranoid, controlling BPD personality.
> 
> Here's how this will play out. You'll move in to the apartment. He'll start looking for you. You'll miss him and start to feel sorry for him, so maybe you'll give away your location. He'll start love bombing you with a million texts and apologies and some in-person visits. He'll promise that he's changed and that he won't bother you about money or argue with you anymore--it was just a temporary crisis he was going through. He's different now. Then you'll move back in with him. And the whole thing starts all over again, rinse and repeat.
> 
> This guy needs YEARS of work before he'l ever make a decent partner for ANYONE.


This is 100% spot on, read it like 30 times! The man is SICK and it will never ever get any better.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

This is what me and everybody else see.












I don't know what you're smoking to see him any other way. You're making it very hard for me to take you seriously. You don't need support. You just need shoes to walk out the door. If he follows you call the police and have him arrested.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KillerClown said:


> This is what me and everybody else see.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Love the image because it's correct. she's a smart woman who makes a lot of money. So he's pimping her out to bring in money. Just like a pimp, he's controlling her every move, her every breath.


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

He is controlling my every move...nearly....my every breath. 

That's very accurate. He is angry if I am quiet....he's mad...if I ask questions...

He's upset when I seem fine...because then I must "not get it.." 

My facial expressions...my decisions...they are all .. a problem for him.

Damn it...it's gonna hurt. But I just have to go... I can't continue like this because I am literally losing myself.

I am nervous that I will lose my job...I am a complete space cadet and I am not even close to the person they hired. 

I look like hell... exhausted..can't sleep...worry all night. My poor son...he climbed in bed with me this morning and said "you are the best mom!" I said you think so? He said "you just need to stop getting yourself into bad situations..." 

He's 10. 

Again..we had to stay at a hotel last night. He was upset becasue he hates staying in hotels now with me...in his hometown. 

My fiance heard this and said that he's sick of my son trying to manipulate and guilt us into getting a permanent place in his town. He said the kid just needs to get it through his head...YOU DON'T LIVE HERE! 

Yes, he literally said that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would suggest letting your employer know about your situation. They could be a strong ally for you, and you may end up missing some time, so would be good for them to be in the loop so you DONT lose your job.


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

Both of my direct bosses are out of town today and tomorrow...which is good.

But, I let them know the LAST time when he was arrested...and they were extremely supporitive.

Unfortunatley, my fiance made himself seen at my recent work events...and they saw that he was back in my life.

Personally, I feel like an idiot...doing this again. 

I need to find a pill full of courage....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you have friends or family you can stay with?


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

I really don't....my family is all out of town and my friends...I've pretty much said too much about all of my drama and then gone back before... so I already have a lot of skeptics... and rightly so.

I just got off a call with my manager who wants me to be in the office more (in my son's hometown) and my fiance heard that and blew up.. said my bosses should just F themselves.. that's not how my job began and that's not how I need it to be.. 

He said that he's sick of me trying to please them every step of the way.. and that's a problem.... for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Right now your job is going to be the only support he has (that's if you stay). So he's clearly not thinking straight. But that is no surprise.


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## bbvanilla22 (Oct 4, 2016)

So, I tried to leave yesterday. I was not successful. He blocked my way out the door...I kept pushing him to close the door of the closet so I could pack. He said that my pushing...and shoving him back --- as he forced the door open was worthy of domestic abuse and he would call the police on me. I ran to my phone to call 911 for an escort out and he grabbed my phone from me.

He then proceeded to tell me that he would leave the house and let me pack....but that he wanted to say goodbye. That he's out of a job...out of everything ad has no interest in living anymore. He started to cry and looked over at his new shirt in the closet and said that it was a "nice shirt...especially with black pants..." Suggested that for his funeral. 

He said that there was no reason to live anymore.... and that he's better off dead and worth more dead.

He went on to tell me the reason he hasn't fully secured his lease for his new office (which should open NOV 1) is that he knows that he will kill himself by then...and that he hopes "i am happy...." 

I went into bed.. pulled the covers over my head and told him to get the F out. He left for a few minutes then he came back. I had texted my lawyer friend and told him what was happening.... and asked what I should do .. he said that I should call 911 on him and get the heck out. 

I didn't because I knew that he was manipulating me and that it would further ruin his career. 

This morning he woke up and told me he was having a heart attack. I said then let's go to the hospital. He said no..it was proably just reflux but he hoped he would die.

He eventually calmed down and then told me that he doesn't want me to stay with him out of fear that he will kill himself. That if I want to leave ...I can leave...but he doesn't ever want to hear from me again.. And if I STAY -- he may still kill himself. He said that he won't do it in front of me.. not to worry. But, he would probably drive far away and kill himself. 

I am in a numb state. I am pretending to be fine.. we are at a coffee shop working....and he's tellling me that I haven't "seen anything yet...." regarding how bad things are going to be and how horrible he will be with his anger and frustation... 

WHY do I stay? WHY don't I run like my pants are on fire? I can't stomach the idea of him never speaking to me again..... and it hurts me terribly to think about such a sudden loss of him.. 

Sorry for ranting... thanks to elegirl for listening as well.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to realize that he isn't a loss. He adds nothing good to your life. He isn't going to kill himself, he is manipulating you. He is a sick sick person. You need to get out before he hurts or kills you. You'll have to do it without him knowing.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Open a new account with just your name on it. You can do it online. 

Go get your check and use mobile deposit immediately, using a smartphone and app, to deposit it into your new account. 

Go directly to the police and tell them you FEAR for your life and your child's lofe with this raging, abusive man.

http://www.centerfordomesticpeace.org/calling-police

And please stop yanking your chains and lying to us, if you truly want help.


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