# Leaves the room.?



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Whenever my wife does not want to discuss something with me she leaves the room and will not talk further even though I feel like the issue has not been resolved . As she just said to me " I don't have to tell you anything" and walked upstairs. I said jokingly "of course not were only married after all, you might want to save sharing stuff for the really important relationships of your life"....

So what gives?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

That's rude in my opinion. It would tell me that my partner had no respect for my thoughts and feelings.The only time I feel it's excusable to walk away during a discussion is to cool off and get your thoughts together...but there has to be a regathering to finish the discussion until ALL involved have spoken their mind.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

MMmm it actually depends on what the subject matter is about that your trying to get to the bottom om is. If its a where have you been all night until this time, who ho is that person your talking to all theime on FB or texting then yep your deserve answers as the reply you get here is certainly a reason to become suspicious. If its why isnt the landry done I needed that shirt or another subject not relationship related then ok shes avoiding a confrontation


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Unless you are at war with each other. I don't have to tell you anything is a childish and unacceptable answer.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Pidge would do that if an argument wasn't going her way. "You are right" was not a phrase that came out of her mouth in the past. 
Is compromise a thing she has problems with?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Whenever my wife does not want to discuss something


How often does that happen? Same argument/discussion? Does she go calmly? Or storm off slamming doors (like Mrs Charlie sometimes does)?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. 

I asked her if the dog had been taken for a walk the night before as I was unavailable to do it due to a previous commitment. 
She had curtly and somewhat angrily answered me that she had been to busy to take the dog for a walk. I suggested a few times that may have worked in the evening and she stopped talking and left the room and went upstairs ( that's when she said she didn't have to tell me anything ) On her way up the stairs is when I said that part in the OP about saving the sharing for the really important relationships in her life. ( I said this jokingly ) 

She has now left for work. She did not say goodbye or see you later or even make eye contact with me before she left. Also when I asked if the dog had been feed this morning she got our daughter to answer my question even though my wife was the only one who would have known the answer to that question.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Unless you are at war with each other. I don't have to tell you anything is a childish and unacceptable answer.


It certainly is a frustrating answer too. In other words "this conversation is over, if you want to talk further you'll have to talk to yourself as I refuse to engage" . What to do about it though?

Isn't that one of the ways wars are started?


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## lifeisnotsogood3 (Sep 13, 2012)

My wife does the same thing, especially if it has to do with money.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> That's rude in my opinion. It would tell me that my partner had no respect for my thoughts and feelings.The only time I feel it's excusable to walk away during a discussion is to cool off and get your thoughts together...but there has to be a regathering to finish the discussion until ALL involved have spoken their mind.


Would you say. " I feeling a bit confused/upset/hot under the collar etc and would like to take some time to cool off. Can we talk about this later when I'm in a better head space?"


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood3 said:


> My wife does the same thing, especially if it has to do with money.


What she can't spend or can spend?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Would you say. " I feeling a bit confused/upset/hot under the collar etc and would like to take some time to cool off. Can we talk about this later when I'm in a better head space?"


lol i wish i was that reasonable when heated. no i usually end up saying "if i don't get away from you for a bit i'll say a bunch of mean sh*t i will live to regret.time out!"


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't know the dynamic of your discussion but sometimes people want to browbeat the other person into accepting their position. I have no way of knowing if this was the case here I'm just playing devil's advocate. 

If you're having a true dialogue than the other person should not leave until the discussion is complete. If you're insisting on them agreeing with your point of view they are entitled to say I do not share that point of view and no amount of discussion will convince me otherwise.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your wife is angry and it has nothing to do with your innocent questions. 

Any idea why?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I will leave the room if it becomes clear that my husband is no longer in control of his emotions and/or words. In other words, if he's off on a screaming tangent, throwing a fit, calling me names, saying hurtful things, blaming me for things that couldn't possibly be my fault, or otherwise displaying signs that his temper has gotten the best of him or that he's become intent on browbeating me into agreeing with him, and that any hope of a rational conversation is long gone - I will calmly leave the room. If I can get a word in edgewise, I will tell him that I think this conversation would be better picked up when we've both had time to calm down a bit. That isn't always possible. So sometimes, I do just leave.

If your wife is leaving in the midst of a heated argument, then she is probably trying to do the right thing. If she's just storming out after a parting shot and refusing to ever engage calmly about the issue afterward, then some MC might be in order.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I will leave the room if it becomes clear that my husband is no longer in control of his emotions and/or words. In other words, if he's off on a screaming tangent, throwing a fit, calling me names, saying hurtful things, blaming me for things that couldn't possibly be my fault, or otherwise displaying signs that his temper has gotten the best of him or that he's become intent on browbeating me into agreeing with him, and that any hope of a rational conversation is long gone - I will calmly leave the room. If I can get a word in edgewise, I will tell him that I think this conversation would be better picked up when we've both had time to calm down a bit. That isn't always possible. So sometimes, I do just leave.
> 
> If your wife is leaving in the midst of a heated argument, then she is probably trying to do the right thing. If she's just storming out after a parting shot and refusing to ever engage calmly about the issue afterward, then some MC might be in order.


Yeah I can see why that would happen. I was not angry or getting pissy. I was calm cool and collected. 
I'm of the opinion that you make time for the important things. She probably feels like taking the dog for a walk and the conversation just wasn't that important to her.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Your wife is angry and it has nothing to do with your innocent questions.
> 
> Any idea why?


I sure would like to know the answer to that question too.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I don't know the dynamic of your discussion but sometimes people want to browbeat the other person into accepting their position. I have no way of knowing if this was the case here I'm just playing devil's advocate.
> 
> If you're having a true dialogue than the other person should not leave until the discussion is complete. If you're insisting on them agreeing with your point of view they are entitled to say I do not share that point of view and no amount of discussion will convince me otherwise.


I don't feel I was browbeating her. I was merely inquiring and offering alternatives to her theory of being to busy. But then there would have been another excuse/reason like I was tired, or my foot was sore, or mercury wasn't in line with jupiter or........


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> I don't feel I was browbeating her. I was merely inquiring and offering alternatives to her theory of being to busy. But then there would have been another excuse/reason like I was tired, or my foot was sore, or mercury wasn't in line with jupiter or........


Would your wife agree that you were "offering alternatives to her theory of being to busy"? Or would she say that you were lecturing her like a child or perhaps interogating her like a criminal suspect? I ask this because, while he's better about it than he used to be, my husband does have the tendancy to try to "educate" me about my shortcomings or alternatives to whatever it is he thinks I'm doing wrong - either through "suggestions" or "inquiries". In some cases, he does mean it to be helpful. In some cases, he's just decided I'm too stupid to do anything without guidance and feels he needs to let me know that. Either way, the tone and body language he uses tends to come across to me as contempt. I've just left in the middle of a lecture/interrogation before. We can pick the conversation back up when he can speak to me as if I were an adult deserving of respect, rather than as if I were a particularly slow-witted first grader.  

Have you tried asking your wife why she walked away and just listening to her answer? It may be that you, even if you don't see it, come across as attacking or contemptuous of her. Then again, maybe she picks up on the fact you think she's lazy and irrational?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> I sure would like to know the answer to that question too.


Then ask. State your PERCEPTION and make sure you take ownership of it being your perception.

"Hey honey can we talk about something that I feel is important. I've noticed a recent string of times where I'm trying to have a regular conversation. I feel like I'm calm cool and collected, and you seem to instantly get very angry and you just walk out. Is there something that you're angry about? or even more than one thing?" Now if she walks out on this...then you can hold her to task.


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Wow thats not really healthy, but it looks like this is how she deals with unpleasant conversations/situations.

The imporant question is this after a cool off period do you guys re-visit the issue or is it just done after that. Because if thats the case problems, issues and conversations are getting swept right under the rug... And you know what that means that huge pile of trash under the rug is gonna come spilling out really soon if its not dealt with.

Have you ever discussed counseling? it might be a portal for her to 1st learn why she deals with problems in this way and 2ndly maybe she can learn a new way of dealing that involves proper communication with you, her husband. Like I told my husband if I can't talk to no one in the entire world I need to be able to talk to you....

It could be her past or something in her childhood but somewhere she learned to avoid stressfull situations by just walking away and its not healthy because some problems no matter how hard need to be dealt with head on.

Good luck to you...........


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I asked her if the dog had been taken for a walk the night before as I was unavailable to do it due to a previous commitment.
> She had curtly and somewhat angrily answered me that she had been to busy to take the dog for a walk. I suggested a few times that may have worked in the evening and she stopped talking and left the room and went upstairs ( that's when she said she didn't have to tell me anything ) On her way up the stairs is when I said that part in the OP about saving the sharing for the really important relationships in her life. ( I said this jokingly )
> ...


Your wife is behaving as a six or seven year old when it comes to disagreements in your marriage. It’s exceedingly childish and you have an adult/child relationship at times of conflict within your marriage.

It’s not at all good and means she “must” learn how to behave as an adult at these times. What to do about it? Remember you are talking to a seven year old child with this particular topic. So whatever you do don’t bring it up with her because for sure you will get the seven year old’s response.

See if you can get her to go on The Marriage Course - Explore the Marriage Course | Alpha USA. Take a good look at it, I can assure you every module is needed for you to have a healthy and happy marriage.

If your wife wont attend with you then I don’t think she’s much vested interest in you (a strong personal interest in someone because you get advantages from them) and is most certainly not afraid of or has a care about losing you.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Would your wife agree that you were "offering alternatives to her theory of being to busy"? Or would she say that you were lecturing her like a child or perhaps interogating her like a criminal suspect? I ask this because, while he's better about it than he used to be, my husband does have the tendancy to try to "educate" me about my shortcomings or alternatives to whatever it is he thinks I'm doing wrong - either through "suggestions" or "inquiries". In some cases, he does mean it to be helpful. In some cases, he's just decided I'm too stupid to do anything without guidance and feels he needs to let me know that. Either way, the tone and body language he uses tends to come across to me as contempt. I've just left in the middle of a lecture/interrogation before. We can pick the conversation back up when he can speak to me as if I were an adult deserving of respect, rather than as if I were a particularly slow-witted first grader.
> 
> Have you tried asking your wife why she walked away and just listening to her answer? It may be that you, even if you don't see it, come across as attacking or contemptuous of her. Then again, maybe she picks up on the fact you think she's lazy and irrational?


:iagree:

I think your wife feels attacked and as if she is not respected by you. I hate it when my husband always points out what I have not accomplished that day compared to everything else around the house that I have done. Instead of commenting on how I vacuumed, dusted, mopped, did bathrooms, among other chores he has, in the past, asked how come I didn't unload the dishwasher. That is so irritating! If he had worded things differently and been more respectful about it, then I would answer him differently. I do a lot around the house and being acknowledged for it here and there makes a big difference. That is something for you to think about because I see your wife in the same situation. The dog doesn't necessarily "need" to be walked daily, so why bug her about if she missed one day? Let it go.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I agree with your wife, Rowan, and Anonymous07!

"I asked her if the dog had been taken for a walk the night before as I was unavailable to do it due to a previous commitment. She had curtly and somewhat angrily answered me that she had been to busy to take the dog for a walk. I suggested a few times that may have worked in the evening" 

Wow, REALLY? 

You sound more like her father or her boss than her husband! Is it REALLY gonna harm the dog if he goes without a walk for ONE NIGHT? If your wife was too busy or didn't FEEL LIKE IT, why do YOU get to interrorgate her and MAKE SUGGESTIONS on how she could DO A BETTER JOB of living her life or being your wife or being a dog owner?!? It sounds like the DOG is more important that your wife? 

Again this morning, you inquired about whether the dog was fed? Has your dog gone hours/days/weeks without being fed? Were you afraid that if YOU just WENT AHEAD and fed him, he'd be overfed? If you DIDN'T feed him, he'd starve? Why isn't the dog YOUR SOLE RESPONSIBILITY if taking care of him is SUCH A BIG DEAL?

I have to agree with the woman who said she was tired of her husband talking/lecturing her like she's a moron. Your suggestions to your wife about how she could have managed her time better last night (doing it YOUR WAY) smacks of condescension. Maybe you don't mean it that way, but it sure comes off that way. It's like stepping on someone's foot, sure you didn't MEAN IT, but it still hurts!

You need to take a GOOD HARD look at the way you talk to and interact with your wife BEFORE you start criticizing her behavior back to you. I'm not saying it's all your fault, but why don't you try asking your wife WHAT SPECIFICALLY IT IS ABOUT YOUR CONVERSATIONS (your tone of voice, your actual words, your general attitude, your body language) that p*sses her off so much. YOU MIGHT BE VERY SURPRISED to hear how your wife views your "suggestions."

Please take this in the HONEST spirit in which it was meant! My H of 20+ years was full of suggestions, and s-l-o-w talking (as though I was a moron), and condescension in his voice when I wasn't doing what he liked. I left him because I was tired of his insistence on his way (because he was ALWAYS right) and his insulting/dismissive attitude toward my feelings. Don't drive YOUR wife to this.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I agree with your wife, Rowan, and Anonymous07!
> 
> "I asked her if the dog had been taken for a walk the night before as I was unavailable to do it due to a previous commitment. She had curtly and somewhat angrily answered me that she had been to busy to take the dog for a walk. I suggested a few times that may have worked in the evening"
> 
> ...


I make suggestions out of caring for everyone in our family, including the dog. If I can do something better and she points it out, not a big deal really. Maybe I hadn't thought about it that way. 

I did not want the dog to be fed twice. 
If treating her like a moron means asking her to look at things differently then I guess I treated her like a moron. 

It really was a casual inquiry at first. Then she got angry and curt and left the room. 

I thank you for your input and I will be more careful with what I sound like and choose my words more tactfully.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I think walking away to shut the conversation down is childish and unhelpful.

But, if my husband asked me if I walked the dog and I replied that I didn't have time or whatever and he then questioned me and pointed out what he saw as flaws in my reasons I'd be incredibly pissed off. I'm not a child, he doesn't get to question me retrospectively like that.

Not that he ever would. He trusts I'm doing the best I can for as much of the time as possible. As I do him, I don't offer criticisms or suggestions unless he asks me to. 

So there's plenty wrong with your dynamic. But you knew that already.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is what I hear from you....you both aren't really communicators. 

It's time to break the ice and ask her (when things cool down and nothing much is happening) some questions 

Why walk off.....it's important for you to engage
Is there something bothering you?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> This is what I hear from you....you both aren't really communicators.
> 
> It's time to break the ice and ask her (when things cool down and nothing much is happening) some questions
> 
> ...


That’s the way interdependent adults would handle the situation.

But his wife has the ego defence mechanisms of a child. He shet tested her (?), she got hurt in one way or another (due to unfair criticism or guilty conscience etc), but she responded as a child would instead of with healthy adult boundaries. Maybe he was a PITA but she’s shet testing right back by stonewalling, withdrawal, refusal to even acknowledge him let alone talk with him.

It is childish behaviour. He simply cannot make her “grow up”. That is not possible for him to do. But he can lead her to learn ways of better conflict resolution, the very best way I know how, without criticising her and getting yet more childish behaviour in response is to ask her to attend something like Alpha USA : Find Out More About the Course. 



It’s these unresolved conflicts that enable resentment to build up within a marriage. Resentment is strong dislike for and anger against another person, husband or wife. It’s simply not possible to provide love to someone you dislike and have anger for so “loving actions” are slowly but very surely withdrawn.

Then one day you kind of wake up and think “Is there love in my marriage? I know it was there one time, where’s it gone?”.

Then you discover the love died a slow but sure death. But by that time it can be way too late to rectify the situation because when you look back to see where the resentment comes from all you see is a whole bundle of unresolved issues which are far too big a mountain to climb. Because as you recall each unresolved issue you also experience the feelings/emotions about them you experienced at the time they occurred. Rather like PTSD. Sometimes it’s a mild form of PTSD, other times very traumatic PTSD.

The truly crazy thing is that the love, appreciation and respect that brought the couple together is still there inside of them. But no way can they access it because of the resentment that sits between them caused and left lingering by unresolved issues.



Leaving the room is absolute classic stonewalling behaviour. See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/44442-negative-patterns-predict-divorce.html. So what your wife is doing CanadianGuy is slowly but surely killing your marriage by stonewalling. Believe me it will happen.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What was this "other commitment" you were busy with the other night? Poker night? Visiting a sick mother?

I'm sure you can guess, what this "other commitment" was might be a big missing piece of the puzzle as to why she might have been so upset about what to you seemed like an inane question. So - without that knowledge, it is difficult to 100% provide a correct guess. 

Perhaps that also could have been a reason you were upset, that in addition to feeling "scolded" and "reprimanded," she was upset that while you were engaged in another commitment, the dog being walked wasn't a priority, but after the fact it was. Did you discuss walking the dog ahead of time?


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

IMHO, you both sound rather defensive. It's time for both of you to sit down and be honest with one another about what sounds to me to be a slow, but huge, accumulation of resentments. 

Aim for a quite, but frank discussion and really listen to what she has to say. You'll learn alot. 
This might be useful
How to Argue Effectively - the "DO" list


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