# I cheated (I think) What do I do?



## Chilled (Jun 4, 2011)

My husband and I separated and, for me, it was an impending divorce. He told me he'd understand if I was with other guys because part of the reason for the separation was that he wasn't attracted to me and never initiated sex. This left me feeling extremely invalid and craving a bit of affection/attention. I got with other guys and I had sex. I was extremely hurt and raging and this is the only way I could do this. I have zero connection with these guys. I love my husband so much and began to hang out with him again after that. We both have been growing in a positive way and I've been accepting and liking the idea of getting back together with him. This makes the idea of me with other guys a cheating issue. 

After two months of knowing about this he is finally dealing with his pain and telling me all that he has been feeling through text and email. I feel awful as I should, and have been accepting his rage while taking responsibility. The pain I feel is crippling as I'm sure his is as well. 

I just wanted to vent a couple of things. He basically changed the rules. He said he was fine and understood me being with other men and after the night I told him I haven't had sex. Mostly because it was that night that i felt I wanted to be with him again. Also, I felt pressured into sex and didn't really want to do it-I've learned from that and am very careful now about how I present myself to people-never interested in sex anymore. I just want to be with my husband. 

The thing is. Even if my husband forgave me and I got back with him I'd still be the one initiating sex and feel lacking of affection. He deserves to be attracted to his wife as I deserve to have a husband attracted to me. I love him so I feel like empty and whorish for hurting him. Maybe I just want my best friend to forgive me and work through his emotions, but it feels like I'm wanting to get back together with him. 

Has anyone gone through this? Should I still go for divorce, but after we work through this "infidelity"? I want a family with him, but can we work through the lack of attraction? We love each other so much. We have always had an amazing connection. Amazing. I'm fine being in the wrong, but feel like there was a few blurry lines. I regret it either way, just feel like maybe better communication would have kept me from doing this. If he would have told me he didn't want me with other guys I wouldn't have been. I"m a *****, right? Dirty Pirate Hooker!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm on the other side of this. I'm trying to understand how mu husband feels. He is the one who cheated in a sexual way and I started to find out through FB. He cheated while we were seperated, but the seperation was supposed to end in divorce. Seperation was started by me. I felt unloved because he never wanted sex and he had anger issues. Now we are back together living in the same house with a motion to dismiss divorce. He pushes me away sexually, but says he is still attracted to me. I'm not sure what he feels at all. Our marriage counseling starts next week. 

Have you guys thought about going to Marriage counseling?


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Stop beating yourself up! It sounds like your husband can look past the infidelity. The fact that you two were separated at the time with the understanding that you could see other people makes things better in the sense of betrayal or breach of trust issues. If you two really want to be with each other then you need to start being brutally honest with each other. And I mean brutally honest! Maybe he's not initiating sex because he's sexually frustrated with you. Are you getting off when you have sex? If you're not are you telling him? Are you faking it for his benefit, to "not hurt his feelings"? If you are then you are being deceitful in the relationship. Men aren't mind readers. He doesn't magically know what you need. Oftentimes a lack of sex is due to a lack of good sex. If the sex was good for both of you then believe me you wouldn't be complaining about a lack of it! You need to share what turns each of you on. Maybe he needs/craves the sexy underwear and has never told you. Maybe you can't stand his beer gut any more. Be honest with each other. Women and men both are guilty of treating each other in relationships like one of their own: men communicate with women as men and women communicate with men as women. Stop trying to protect your man's feelings! Believe me, he can take whatever you want to say. If he knows he has a problem in the bedroom he will try to solve it.

I know a woman that divorced after 14 years of crappy sex. She complained that her ex was an egg timer and never lasted more than 5 mins. She was never satisfied and to distract herself, threw herself into her work. She started coming home at 11pm every night. Her husband, understandably, said it's either your job or me. She didn't do anything. The husband said "I'm warning you, if you keep doing what you're doing I'm going to get my needs met elsewhere." She didn't change and he cheated. He admitted it. She divorced him immediately thereafter. Obviously she was looking for an "out" that would let her save face in a divorce. She could now tell people that she divorced because her cheating husband betrayed her. Poor her. I asked her if, during her marriage, she ever communicated to her husband that the sex wasn't good for her. No, she didn't. She wanted to not hurt his feelings. She also said she faked it to make it better for his benefit, thinking that things would magically get better. From his perspective, the sex was good for her! See the problem? Men aren't mind readers! If she would have said the sex sucked for her from the beginning, most men would try to solve the problem. By taking responsibility for her pleasure she would have, ironically, solved her problem in all likelihood. Or at least saved 13 years of a crappy marriage.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

You're husband is one confused guy! Okay, I wouldn't say that his lack of affection is due to him NOT being attracted to you. It might be that when he starts to feel "frisky", he'll look at you and all he see's now is you with other men, and that's kind of a mood killer and a show stopper. I'm not saying that this is the reason, but it could be ONE of the reasons.

Did you cheat on him? Technically....ummmm....yeah. Because you weren't divorced. This is no different than people opening up there marriage but when that fantasy turns into reality, then that's when someone ends up getting hurt.

Choice is yours. Divorce him and go be with other guys or stay and do some SERIOUS re-building. If you're not up to the task to do what needs to be done to break down the walls between the two of you then you might as well divorce him because you won't have a snowballs chance in hell.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You weren't unfaithful. I know others will disagree but this is what he asked for. He should have been sure before you gave you that green light. 

I think it would be cruel for you to get back with him. He doesn't love you in that sexual way. I don't think my wife does either. It's one of those things I am struggling to accept. You should seriously consider that you deserve to be happy, in all aspects of love including the physical.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Are you saying, even tho you are back together---your H., still wants nothing to do with iniating sex, or wants nothing to do with sex at all----If either of these are in play---your whole previous problem will come back to haunt this mge., down the road

You two need to have a serious forced discussion about the future of this mge., is it is to be without sex, or to have one sided sex only


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

You both are incapable of a mature and true relationship. You two in that regard are made for each other or you can look elsewhere. The fact he initiated the break and said he was no longer into you is a huge red flag and would and should leave you to question if he feels a true "consummate love" its likely he does not. In addition its likely that your love is not "true" as you imagine it.

Triangular theory of love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


^^ there you go decide what your love is. I do not imagine its a consummate love at all.

best of luck

Also i find it astounding that you were so quick to sleep with other men. Very odd your justification for this is that your husband did not appreciate you. So you felt it's in your best interest to go sleep around (if that is what you like more power to you) i just think its a little odd.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'll take the other stance on this. I don't think it's cheating at all. When I separated from my WW, I had no problems dating and sexing. Even though we wernt technically divorced. I wasn't going to put my life on hold for anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So how many guys did you sleep with? Could it be the amount of men you slept with?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So unless I'm mistaken, you're back in the same place as you were before. You don't find him sexually appealing, and he's not likely to initiate with you. So what will getting back together accomplish? 6 months, 5 years, whatever, you'll be right back where you are now. Except you'll have kids together, just to make things more complicated.

Honestly, my biggest regret in my life was that when my wife and I split up early in our marriage for a while, we got back together. I don't regret my kids, but I do regret getting back together with someone that I didn't feel "that way" with. Now I'm 44 years old, and starting over.

My advice... Date each other if you like, but until the issues are worked out, don't get back together in a permanent sense, and DON'T have kids.

C


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I question how he not want to get frisky but is hurt you got fed up and took it elsewhere. I did many bad things in my marriage but never turned down the intimacy. My wifes ea's and sexting with OM improved the sex life at home and totally got my attention. Your husband has no one but himself to blame. Try taking things to a new level. Maybe he needs the right buttons pushed. A huge factor in me ending my flings was finding out my mate was as dirty and adventurous as me. For years we never took it to that level and once we did I truly felt like a fool for going elsewhere. Try new stuff. Toys, role playing, taboos. I believed my wife was boring and she felt the same. One night I came home and we burned one. That day is burned in my memory. I spent ten years with a woman who could please me and I never knew. One night burn one with him. It should getcha there. We both have that lust for kink. Ordinary sex is just too boring. We both need more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chilled (Jun 4, 2011)

Thanks for your responses ya'll. We were going to counseling for about a year before we separated. 

And the bedroom thing. I have never faked an orgasm and have told him I want it kinkier and have been very specific, but to no avail-he didn't feel comfortable with what I wanted ( I don't want you thinking it was something too crazy just a little tie-me-to-the-bed stuff). I even told him I'd fulfill any fantasy of his no matter how sick he thought it sounded-he said he didn't think that way. We have been very honest about sex and what we do and don't want. I want anything that involves him touching me and feeling like he just wants me and he doesn't really want anything . . . ever. When we do have sex it's as though he is doing it for my benefit so you can imagine the lack of passion that is there. There are rare occasions when I feel he is into it, but it is a bit crappy that I am more than willing to do anything for him in bed and he doesn't return the favor. 

Is sex ALONE reason to divorce? I waffle every day between what would make us the happiest. I can't find any progress in my decision.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, I don't think he changed the rules - I think he didn't think though the reality of your having sex with other men, and maybe didn't think you'd even do it. So he gave you what he thought was the standard and accepted rules for separated people. He said what he though he was supposed to say.

Obviously when you did sleep with other men - he very much realized it was cheating and he is very hurt by this.

If you have any hope of getting back together - you and he will need to deal with your cheating and not just rug sweep it with a "I forgive you". This isn't about forgiveness - it is about him getting help to deal with this tremendous betrayal to him and his trust in you.

You say you went to counseling - but did the two of you try sex therapy? Did you do any sort of program to build passion in the bed room and learn how to push each others buttons in a good way?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

*I just wanted to vent a couple of things. He basically changed the rules. He said he was fine and understood me being with other men and after the night I told him I haven't had sex. Mostly because it was that night that i felt I wanted to be with him again. Also, I felt pressured into sex and didn't really want to do it-I've learned from that and am very careful now about how I present myself to people-never interested in sex anymore. I just want to be with my husband.*

Is it HIS normal to be not initiating sex or not demonstrating attention? Before your short separation also he was not attentive, you said.

How did you come back, if lack of attention was not addressed prior to your coming back?

Havent you lied about sex to him? If he comes to know about your sex with others, wont it affect him?


*The thing is. Even if my husband forgave me and I got back with him I'd still be the one initiating sex and feel lacking of affection. He deserves to be attracted to his wife as I deserve to have a husband attracted to me. I love him so I feel like empty and whorish for hurting him. Maybe I just want my best friend to forgive me and work through his emotions, but it feels like I'm wanting to get back together with him.*

If he forgave you because he thinks you did not have sex with others?
*
Has anyone gone through this? Should I still go for divorce, but after we work through this "infidelity"? I want a family with him, but can we work through the lack of attraction? We love each other so much. We have always had an amazing connection. Amazing. I'm fine being in the wrong, but feel like there was a few blurry lines. I regret it either way, just feel like maybe better communication would have kept me from doing this. If he would have told me he didn't want me with other guys I wouldn't have been. I"m a *****, right? Dirty Pirate Hooker!
*
I think you are not being consistent. One hand you love him. On the other hand you dont want to understand him. How?
First step is to understand your own conflict.


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## Chilled (Jun 4, 2011)

It was too fast for other man. I obviously wasn't thinking things through. I regret it because it hurt the one I love, but felt that I did learn from that empty experience.


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## Chilled (Jun 4, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> I question how he not want to get frisky but is hurt you got fed up and took it elsewhere. I did many bad things in my marriage but never turned down the intimacy. My wifes ea's and sexting with OM improved the sex life at home and totally got my attention. Your husband has no one but himself to blame. Try taking things to a new level. Maybe he needs the right buttons pushed. A huge factor in me ending my flings was finding out my mate was as dirty and adventurous as me. For years we never took it to that level and once we did I truly felt like a fool for going elsewhere. Try new stuff. Toys, role playing, taboos. I believed my wife was boring and she felt the same. One night I came home and we burned one. That day is burned in my memory. I spent ten years with a woman who could please me and I never knew. One night burn one with him. It should getcha there. We both have that lust for kink. Ordinary sex is just too boring. We both need more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm kinky as hell, but he seldom wants to go there. I've even told him to come up with something off-the-charts to do in bed, but informs me that he doesn't think that way. He doesn't to drugs or alcohol so I can't burn one with him, but that would be fun I agree.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

He just doesn't think along those lines. My wife is the same way. I can count on one hand the amount of times she has initiated sex with me in a 32 year marriage. Yet I know she loves me with all her heart. Remember if you're getting 85 or 90% out of your marriage, don't go looking for the missing 10% or you will find that you'll lose the 90% and the 10% will look like sh!t to you then.

Oh, and just to share a little more. One of the two times she did initiate, we had just smoked a splif. Can't get her to do it again. Damn!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think sex is the glue that keeps it together. You guys seperated and meaningless sex, theres sexual incompatable issue her and it may come back to huant the both of you years down the road.

Sure if both of you step up as individuals through IC and MC it may work out, but he needs to address the issue of meeting your needs and you have to address the unhealthy behavior you exhibited when you 1st seperared.

See I get it my wife is the same way and after years of her unhealthy behavior it can snow ball. For your self, even if you move on with out H you should adress the way you filled your sexual need in this manner.

My wife keep putting her self in bad situation that only got worse as the night went on (the whole pressure thing and better to give it up then get it taken kind of thing), and like you she has learned alot about how unhealthy it was. The point here is going to get the help that will give you the tools to have a healthier fullfilling sex life.

IMHO no matter if it communication, money or even sex if both prtners not out in the effoert to meet each others needs then the marriage is dead. You guys can love the h*ll out of each other but what about the each others needs?

The bottom line is it takes two to make it work, even if it just sex, and for me and my fWW thats a big "even if".


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