# Emotional affair? I'm the OW



## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

It started as a friendship. My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 11 years, he moved for her to another state and was looking for friendhsip. He told me right away that he was in a serious relationship and that he was looking for friendship. I liked him and even though I realized we could not date, I understand that I cannot be intimate with everyone I like and I truly treasure frienships... We got along so well that I wanted to be his friend.

As we began to get to know each other we became like magnets. We both cannot belive that we get along so well... We developed a strong emotional bond that we maintain on regular basis by frequent conversations, get togethers, etc.

He wanted me to meet his girlfriend from early on and I did. I was hoping to like her and feel like he will be in good hands, but guess what, i did not like her at all. She was belittling him in front of me all evening and I felt bad... He does not know i do not like her. I have to respect his choice but not happy about it. The last time he, she , I and several other of his friends met, she told him that she did not like the way I look at him, which means she feels threatened by me... If she knew the extend of our freindship the red flags would be all over...

The wedding is in about 1 month, I am invited. But I am so confused about what's going on, and why.... basically she is the only girl he had a real relationship with, they are evry committed to each other. Their committment is very strong, their have common goals and dreams (house, children, etc.), yet their bond is not very close as apprantly there is room for me there. We talk every day. Last week we saw each other: Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday (she was there + freinds), Saturday (+1 freind), Sunday... we are very very close. When something happens he calls me, we are there for each other and it comes so mutualy effortlessly... And when the two of us go out we have people coming up to us telling us what a beautiful couple we make - no idea why that is... I cannot help but think that if he needs a close friend like me so much, then perhaps he is not fully happy with her and then why marry? 

We are attracted to each other, but the boundaries are in place and we both honor them, i.e. no acting on attarction.

He wants to be with her, they will get married, but i'm so uneasy about their relationship because something is missing and he does not recognize it and if she knew what was going on she would probably work on their relationship before marrying him to make sure it is as solid as one would want it to be. I cannot belive that I am so attracted to someone who is not single, it is devastating, but I am not ready to let him go because right now i'd rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life at all. At the same time if he feels that our relationship threatens his relationship with his future wife and decides to cut it out then I'll understand and respect his decision.

On one hand I wish he (given the closeness of our relationship) or/she she (if she knew the full extent of it) would re-evaluate their decision to get married prior to doing it. On the other hand it is none of my business and as I freind I need to let him live his life and make choices he feels are right.

I wonder what will happen with us... We are not ready to give up our friendship, I don't see how his girlfriend can ever be comfortable with this freindship unless he hides it from her, what kind of relationship that suggests they will have? I guess we could minimize friendship interactions to please her, and then we will have to see if we may just have longer gaps between very close and happy times together... I have no idea what will happen next...

What do you think about their future marriage given the closeness of our friendship? Is that a big red flag that something is not quite right or is it just me? I also wonder what will happen to our frienship and whether there is ANY WAY such close freinship can live side by side with a happy marriage.

Thank you for listening... sorry it is so long...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why do you think she does not respect him?

Should you get out of his life, or should you remain to help be there for him when the s*** hits the fan?

Do you think their marriage will last?

Here's a wildcard... with her lack of respect, do you think it's possible she is having an affair or affairs?


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Sounds like an EA to me. 

At some point whether its today, tomorrow, two years. His GF/Wife will figure it out, and he'll have to choose either you or her. 

While he might not be able to stop talking to you, he is making his choice to get married. In my opinion you should let him go, because if you really care for him as a friend all this friendship will do is call him more long term grief with his family.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Listen if the dude isn't married your window of time to go after him is very short. If you want the guy tell him. If he feels the same way he will leave her. You need to make sure that if he is going to be with you that the marriage has to be called off and that she is out. 

Do it right or don't do it at all. 
If you don't do this now and continue on this path you will have to let him go permanently to avoid ruining their lives and yours. I am all about not breaking up a marriage. If he isn't with the right one and can't let you go then it is an EA. That is ten times worse than not going through with a marriage and giving the guys finance a chance to find someone that isn't hung up on his girl/friend.
Plus if you go for it and he shoots you down then you know where you stand and can move on.
Anything else is just wrong.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You should let him go. 

The reason for this is as a married man, his wife should be the one he shares all the good moments, the questions, the arguments, the resolutions, etc... If he is turning to you for those things, you are robbing him and her of an important part of being married.

You don't have to be hard about it. Just decrease your interaction with him until it fades away.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> You should let him go.
> 
> The reason for this is as a married man, his wife should be the one he shares all the good moments, the questions, the arguments, the resolutions, etc... If he is turning to you for those things, you are robbing him and her of an important part of being married.
> 
> You don't have to be hard about it. Just decrease your interaction with him until it fades away.


HE is not married.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

MattMatt, thank you for posting...

Why do you think she does not respect him? - Everything she has to say about him is quite negative: that he cannot cook, that he is good only for cleaning up, that he cannot dance, that he cannot even get ice cubes out - it is so silly yet these are the only things she said to/about him all evening long. He was supposed to cook dinner since I am his friend but soemthing came up and he asked her to cook, so she kept on glorifying herself and putting him down about it and made me really uncomfortable because if she did not want to cook he could have rescheduled. When we went out with freinds her comments about getting married were along the lines of putting him on a leash, that everything he got will now belong to her, etc. Everything i'm writing here may sound ok, but it is also the way it was delivered that did not give me good vibes at all...

Should you get out of his life, or should you remain to help be there for him when the s*** hits the fan? - i have no idea!!!!

Do you think their marriage will last? - no idea, but they have been committed for 11 years, so may be it will, but what will be the quality of that marriage i have no idea...


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

badbane said:


> Listen if the dude isn't married your window of time to go after him is very short. If you want the guy tell him. If he feels the same way he will leave her. You need to make sure that if he is going to be with you that the marriage has to be called off and that she is out.
> 
> Do it right or don't do it at all.
> If you don't do this now and continue on this path you will have to let him go permanently to avoid ruining their lives and yours. I am all about not breaking up a marriage. If he isn't with the right one and can't let you go then it is an EA. That is ten times worse than not going through with a marriage and giving the guys finance a chance to find someone that isn't hung up on his girl/friend.
> ...


Honestly, I think he is delusional... He is trying so ahrd to separate her and me: wife and a freind that he cannot see what's going on or does not want to see, or sees and convinces himself that it is soemthign else. He is not ready to cancel the wedding..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Back off. 

The reason she doesn't like you is because she knows you want on her man. It's simple. You would feel exactly the same if you were in her shoes. 

Seriously. _How would you feel _if you were engaged to a guy who had this female friend who kept hanging around him constantly? Be honest. 

The better question is: why are you participating at all? If you know he is in a committed relationship, about to be married, why do you keep hanging around? If you had any self-respect, respect for him, for his relationship, you would back way off. Not just that, but you'd be turned off by this entire situation.

Respect yourself more and back way off.

He would also have better boundaries (should).

This situation is not good.

Also, stop calling him you "friend." He's not. You have feelings for him.

Notice you don't have a kind word to say about her. It's because you are jealous. Because she has the guy. And you are the other woman.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> You should let him go.
> 
> The reason for this is as a married man, his wife should be the one he shares all the good moments, the questions, the arguments, the resolutions, etc... If he is turning to you for those things, you are robbing him and her of an important part of being married.
> 
> You don't have to be hard about it. Just decrease your interaction with him until it fades away.


a) he has been with her for 11 years and soemthing is missing int heir relationship hence i'm in it now...
b) i'm afraid that they are about to make a big mistake by getting married but i feel like there is nothing i can do about it...
c) if soemthign is missing between the two of them, which i think is the case, then even if i'm gone he will be looking for whatever he cannot get from her in other people  Or *hit will hit the fan and they may work on the relationship, find out what's missing and try to create it...


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Honestly, I think he is delusional... He is trying so ahrd to separate her and me: wife and a freind that he cannot see what's going on or does not want to see, or sees and convinces himself that it is soemthign else. He is not ready to cancel the wedding..


Well then talk to be fiance. Tell her look there are something going on here. You need to know about before getting married. Cause if he is going to be a coward and not own up to either one of you. I have a feeling neither of you would want to waste your time on such a coward. 
Just make sure this isn't wishful thinking. I mean seriously you have to consider him in all of this. I would get another opinion from outside of your I love this guy tunnel vision. 
I mean seriously. If you have been friends for a long time just neither of you could take it to the next level then you both should be smacked upside the head. Now there is a third party and the guy you are closest to is moving on. Which is what happens to friendships. That why friends get married. I married my best friend and she can't go anywhere without me now. We both like that. 
However all my childhood, high school, and college friends are all gone to Facebook land. 
If this is just some fantasy playing out cause you don't wanna lose your friend then stop it and get some perspective. If you go through with this you could ruin this guys wedding / marriage (which will be the end of your friendship). If he gets married then you need to move on. But the difference here is that you don't have time for subtle hints or small gestures. It is time to play your cards or fold them. Especially before the non refundable stuff gets paid for.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> Honestly, I think he is delusional... He is trying so ahrd to separate her and me: wife and a freind that he cannot see what's going on or does not want to see, or sees and convinces himself that it is soemthign else. *He is not ready to cancel the wedding*..


Because he doesn't want to. The sooner you accept that, the better for you.

Don't put the "delusional" blame all on him either. You are also playing an active part in this. Some may argue that you are "delusional" in that you aren't backing off and keep hoping and praying he breaks it off w/ her to run off into the sunset with you.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Gotta chime in here and say I agree with Jellybeans! You need to back off of this man. He has made his choice, put a ring on someone else's finger and is about to marry *her*. Leave them be, and go find your own man. Get out of their business. If this marriage fails, then so be it. It's not for you to decide that "something is lacking" in their relationship. Maybe there's alot more to it.....behind their closed doors.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> a) he has been with her for 11 years and soemthing is missing int heir relationship hence i'm in it now...
> b) i'm afraid that they are about to make a big mistake by getting married but i feel like there is nothing i can do about it...
> c) if soemthign is missing between the two of them, which i think is the case, then even if i'm gone he will be looking for whatever he cannot get from her in other people  Or *hit will hit the fan and they may work on the relationship, find out what's missing and try to create it...


Do not play the sympathetic "I am afraid" card. Oh I get that you care about him but do not try to play this like you are concerned about him and really afraid of him getting married when what you really want is him to yourself.

Own it.

You know what's "missing" in their relationship? Stolen time. Time you are stealing and he is being a doofus over by letting it happen. 

Why you would even consider going to their wedding is beyond me.

Again, I ask, how would you feel if you were her?


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Back off.
> 
> The reason she doesn't like you is because she knows you want on her man. It's simple. You would feel exactly the same if you were in her shoes.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Why are you participating in such a dysfunctional situation? Perhaps you are projecting your judgments onto him concerning their relationship simply because you want him. :scratchhead:


Also, he's been with her for 11 years. If he didn't love her or if he found her that easy to let go of, he would have already done it. Do you see yourself as his saviour from his terrible GF/future wife? If you read about the personality profiles of the OW, they often see themselves as the saviour of the poor hard done by married man. You can't fix him but you need to ask yourself why you'd settle for being second best to an engaged man.

And if he's so emotionally immature that he can't decide between you and the woman he's been with for 11 years and IF he's having an EA shortly before he makes a huge life changing decision such as marriage, then why do you want to be with such a flake?

Either way, this situation has disaster written all over it.

If you truly love him, back off and let him get his life together and maybe, just maybe down the road you can be together. But if he's doing this to a woman he's been with for 11 years, then don't be surprised if you catch him having an EA in your relationship 10 years from now...


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Back off.
> 
> The reason she doesn't like you is because she knows you want on her man. It's simple. You would feel exactly the same if you were in her shoes.
> 
> ...


I think he is making a mistake by marrying her.

I enjoy his company so much that as of right now I want to be a friend who respects the boundaries (i.e. no acting on attraction) rather than not have him in my life at all.

I don't rememebr meeting someone with whom i got along so well and who was such a devoted and caring friend. I am just not ready to cut him off, especially if he does not want me to.. But i do plan to talk to him about it... as i do not know where this can really go... he is talkign about us being freinds for life, once i have a family our families can be friends, etc...

if i were her I would put me out already and have a serious conversation with him about our relationship...


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> a) he has been with her for 11 years and soemthing is missing int heir relationship hence i'm in it now...
> .


No, that is just your delusion and you need to tend to your own business; not theirs.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Also, stop calling him you "friend." He's not. You have feelings for him.
> 
> Notice you don't have a kind word to say about her. It's because you are jealous. Because she has the guy. And you are the other woman.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I noticed that too. Yet this guy has been with her for 11 years. She must have some redeeming qualities. But for course, we won't see that here. From what's been described, the fiancee is nothing but a total b. But that's from her perspective because she's jealous and in an emotional affair with him.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> I think he is making a mistake by marrying her.


That is only your opinion. He's made his choice.....show some respect for your "friend".


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> I think he is making a mistake by marrying her.
> 
> I enjoy his company so much that as of right now I want to be a friend who respects the boundaries (i.e. no acting on attraction) rather than not have him in my life at all.
> 
> ...


So are you married or in a committed relationship? You seem to have left that part out and focused on your "friend". Because if you are, how would your partner feel about your close friendship with this guy?


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> I think he is making a mistake by marrying her.
> 
> I enjoy his company so much that as of right now I want to be a friend who respects the boundaries (i.e. no acting on attraction) rather than not have him in my life at all.
> 
> ...


Not being rude, but you AREN'T respecting their boundaries now. Being physical isn't the only way to act on attraction, continuing to talk to one another, stealing time from his soon to be wife...that is acting on attraction and isn't respecting boundaries. 

Let him go, or this is going to blow up.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

His relationship is none of your business. You know you would get with him if he agrees. You are just waiting for a chance to steal him.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> a) he has been with her for 11 years and soemthing is missing int heir relationship hence i'm in it now...
> * This could be true or just wishful thinking. either way he needs to know that if he gets married you're out. It isn't fair you to to have to go through all of that.*
> b) i'm afraid that they are about to make a big mistake by getting married but i feel like there is nothing i can do about it...
> * There is something you can do but it takes balls. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that it is you are her cause you want him too much to just be friends.*
> ...


Don't get sucked into this you deserve a good man and if he won't step up to the plate. Then he isn't worth it and deserves to marry the wrong woman. You will find someone else trust me on this one.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Here is the thing of it: his marriage and whether or not you think he is making a mistake is none of your business. You need to let him go as your friend and let him live his life the way he apparently is planning to.

Right now, it sounds like you feel that you need to save him from making a mistake. It is your feelings for him that is swaying you to this thinking. 

I do not feel that keeping him as your friend will stop you from crossing those boundaries you say are up. From what I have read, you do not have boundaries at all with him. 

Leave him alone and yes; that means letting him make the choices he is going to make. His marriage does not need a friend like you in it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> I think he is making a mistake by marrying her.


But don't you see? that's only because YOU want him for yourself.



Vareshka said:


> I enjoy his company so much that as of right now I want to be a friend who respects the boundaries (i.e. no acting on attraction) rather than not have him in my life at all.


You aren't respecting (and haven't been) respecting his boundaries all along. If you were, you would have NEVER tried to get closer to him as a so-called "friend." You would have maintained a distance. 



Vareshka said:


> I don't rememebr meeting someone with whom i got along so well and who was such a devoted and caring friend. I am just not ready to cut him off, especially if he does not want me to.


The Fog talking right here. Total emotional affair.




Vareshka said:


> if i were her I would put me out already and have a serious conversation with him about our relationship...


And there it is. 

You know why you'd feel that way? Because YOU KNOW your relationship with him is entirely inappropriate. So why don't you back off? 

When someone truly cares for someone else, they are *selfless* with them. When someone truly loves/cares for someone, they want the other person to be happy. So your feelings for him are completely selfish because you will not back off, even to the detriment of him, her, and their relationship. That is the exact opposite of being "loving and caring."

Oh and I do like how you said that "if I were her, I'd put me out already" placing the blame or onus on her--when YOU are the one who won't cut it out. 

Seriously. Delusion is a helluva thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

5Creed said:


> I do not feel that keeping him as your friend will stop you from crossing those boundaries you say are up. From what I have read, *you do not have boundaries at all with him. *


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He wants to be with her, they will get married, but i'm so uneasy about their relationship because something is missing


Not your bussiness.


> At the same time if he feels that our relationship threatens his relationship with his future wife and decides to cut it out then I'll understand and respect his decision.


Why don't you repect his relationship, why don't you respect thir 11 years together? You are treatening his future, she can see it. You know.


> he has been with her for 11 years and soemthing is missing int heir relationship hence i'm in it now...


11 Years together is a huge period of time, they know each other way more thant you believe you know him. They have a past, they know their shortomings. Your relationship with him hasn't been tested. At all. It's new and fresh and you only see his good side while his GF knows the whole package. You know nothing abut their past, their strugles, the ups & down. Who are you to judge from the outside? Behind closed doors he migh behave diferently.


> I think he is making a mistake by marrying her.


Not your bussiness.
Back off. You are the OW.
Read this thread, see your future. --> Here


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why don't you get a BF on your own, someone aviable to put your energies?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> if i were her I would put me out already and have a serious conversation with him about our relationship...


Also, if you are saying this, then why don't you back off?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh and I do like how you said that "if I were her, I'd put me out already" placing the blame or onus on her--when YOU are the one who won't cut it out.
> 
> Seriously. Delusion is a helluva thing.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 

*You need to put yourself out!*


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Zanna said:


> :iagree:
> 
> why you'd settle for being second best to an engaged man.
> 
> .


I don't think i'm settling for second best. I think she is his girlfriend and number 1 there and i'm his friend, number 1 there. It is not my plan to take him away from her eventhough I don't think their relationship is 100% solid. From my end I'm fine with being his friend...


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Acabado said:


> 11 Years together is a huge period of time, they know each other way more thant you believe you know him. They have a past, they know their shortomings. Your relationship with him hasn't been tested. At all. It's new and fresh and you only see his good side while his GF knows the whole package. You know nothing abut their past, their strugles, the ups & down. Who are you to judge from the outside? Behind closed doors he migh behave diferently.
> Not your bussiness.
> Back off. You are the OW.
> Read this thread, see your future. --> Here


:iagree:

The OW always thinks she's so much better for the MM than the wife or the girlfriend. 

You are getting a huge ego boost thinking you are better and believing you can save him from his terrible future wife. If you truly are better than why is he marrying her? Are you going to set yourself up as his mistress when he marries her and then convince yourself that you're doing it all for him?

Would you like another woman to judge your relationship and decide she's better for your man and then start making plans to destroy your relationship and even worse, your marriage?

You better think long and hard before you attempt to break up this engagement because what goes around, comes around.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> I noticed that too. Yet this guy has been with her for 11 years. She must have some redeeming qualities. But for course, we won't see that here. From what's been described, the fiancee is nothing but a total b. But that's from her perspective because she's jealous and in an emotional affair with him.


No i'm sure she is not a total B. Actually what i do know about her is very similar to me... She is smart, strong, independent, got a good career, got a good heart, cares about others with regards to volunteering, so i'm sure she is a very good person. I'm not 100% sure about their relationship, and yes i do not like the way she treated him in front of me, but that's it... I'm not demonizing her...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop calling yourself his "friend." 

Look, you posted in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of a Marriage forum.

Re-read your thread title.

Don't downplay what your role is or what is really happening here. We can call these things out from miles and miles away.

If you are just his "FRIEND," then *why* are you posting in an Infidelity section?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> No i'm sure she is not a total B. Actually what i do know about her is very similar to me... She is smart, strong, independent, got a good career, got a good heart, cares about others with regards to volunteering, so i'm sure she is a very good person. I'm not 100% sure about their relationship, and yes i do not like the way she treated him in front of me, but that's it... I'm not demonizing her...


Uh, yeah actually you did demonize her your entire thread until LordM and others pointed it out to you. Then you changed you tune about how kind she is.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Zanna said:


> :iagree:
> 
> The OW always thinks she's so much better for the MM than the wife or the girlfriend.
> 
> ...


I am better? I really do not know about that.... I have not been with him for 11 years to make that judgement... I do not come with a life time guarantee of eternal happiness... I'm not trying to glorify myself, i'm just stating that fact that we have a bond that for some reason he has with me and not her. this does not make her a bad person, but brings doubts to em about their relationship...


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Others have essentially expressed the same thing as I will echo. It is not your place to judge (nor ours) whether he is making a wise choice in marrying this woman who you claim does not respect him. She may not, but he is grown man and is capable of making that decision himself without you having an biased influence. I would add that I think your presence, in the way that you describe it, makes the situation very complicated and possibly may even doom the marriage from the beginning. 

You may be attracted to him and he may even have a strong attraction for you. However, my advice: don't go to the wedding and in fact, it may even be time to let him know that although he is a good friend it is time to completely let go. Make a no contact pact between the two of you. Move on with your life and let him move on with his. 

Everything you have mentioned brings up huge red flags. Although you may feel down and hurt initially, it is for the best. I am not minimizing your feelings, but frankly it is part of what is the problem. Be a responsible adult.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Your not only in an EA......not sure if he is or not but you are.......but you are in love with him. Thats the bottom line. You are in love with this man.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Stop calling yourself his "friend."
> 
> Look, you posted in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of a Marriage forum.
> 
> ...


where should i post it to? i'm new here.... p.s. are you all recovering from infedelities?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> But don't you see? that's only because YOU want him for yourself.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> It started as a friendship. My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 11 years, he moved for her to another state and was looking for friendhsip. He told me right away that he was in a serious relationship and that he was looking for friendship. I liked him and even though I realized we could not date, I understand that I cannot be intimate with everyone I like and I truly treasure frienships... We got along so well that I wanted to be his friend.
> 
> As we began to get to know each other we became like magnets. We both cannot belive that we get along so well... We developed a strong emotional bond that we maintain on regular basis by frequent conversations, get togethers, etc.
> 
> ...


Men and women cannot be friends.
There will be some sexual attration built up over time.
The more you share with each other the more you start to like things about them and even possibly act on them.
you should have NEVER got involved with this man period.
Now you are worried about his marriage?
Hes a big boy. he will make the choice and have to figure out what it is that he really wants.
Of course the STBW is threatened shes not stupid. thats the reason she feels that way. that bothers me about you and how you would not leave him alone after the stbw expressed that she was.
you are wanting things to change in hopes that he will leave her for you.
something is wrong here because thats what you want to see.
no matter what you want it will be his choice to do what he wants in the end.
i really think you should just let him go.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> I'm not 100% sure about their relationship,


*And who are you to judge? If he wasn't 100% sure, he would not have put a ring on HER finger.......and would not have stayed with her for 11 years. You need to butt out of his relationship!*





> and yes i do not like the way she treated him in front of me, ...


That is their issue to deal with. Who cares what *you* think? 


I'm beginning to think that you are a *stalker!!!*


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> I'm not trying to glorify myself, i'm just stating that fact that we have a bond that for some reason he has with me and not her. this does not make her a bad person, but brings doubts to em about their relationship...


If you backed off, this would not be happening at all. 

Can I ask what you are seeking in posting here at TAM? Is it advice? Because you have minimized *every single thing *anyone has told you in this thread so far. 



Twofaces said:


> Your not only in an EA......not sure if he is or not but you are.......but you are in love with him. Thats the bottom line. You are in love with this man.


Bingo!


----------



## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

drerio said:


> Others have essentially expressed the same thing as I will echo. It is not your place to judge (nor ours) whether he is making a wise choice in marrying this woman who you claim does not respect him. She may not, but he is grown man and is capable of making that decision himself without you having an biased influence. I would add that I think your presence, in the way that you describe it, makes the situation very complicated and possibly may even doom the marriage from the beginning.
> 
> You may be attracted to him and he may even have a strong attraction for you. However, my advice: don't go to the wedding and in fact, it may even be time to let him know that although he is a good friend it is time to completely let go. Make a no contact pact between the two of you. Move on with your life and let him move on with his.
> 
> Everything you have mentioned brings up huge red flags. Although you may feel down and hurt initially, it is for the best. I am not minimizing your feelings, but frankly it is part of what is the problem. Be a responsible adult.


Thank you for your post and for not being judgemental.

So there is no frienship between man in a serious relationship and a woman? Even if both respect the boundaries and do not let it escalate into anything other than friendship?


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> where should i post it to? i'm new here.... p.s. are you all recovering from infedelities?


You are missing the point, what Jellybeans is trying to say is that you are not friend, you are in love with this man. You absolutely posted in the right place and yes you are the OW. Being the OW is not being a friend to anyone.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> where should i post it to? i'm new here.... p.s. are you all recovering from infedelities?


No, not all of us. You would do well to listen to Jellybeans. She's been in your shoes and knows what she's talking about. She's a well respected member of this forum.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> I don't think i'm settling for second best. I think she is his girlfriend and number 1 there and i'm his friend, number 1 there. It is not my plan to take him away from her eventhough I don't think their relationship is 100% solid. From my end I'm fine with being his friend...


You are not his friend. A friend does not try and destroy a friend's engagement or hurt his fiancee. If she's not the one for him, he can figure it out on his own, or with a therapist. You have ulterior motives and are no friend to him or his fiancee. 

I'm not fond of my brother's wife. I think he can do better and his wife talks to him with disrespect. However, he loves her and I am his sister so I support his choices. I would never try to break them up.

You want to break up your friend and his fiancee because you want him. 

If would be different if she was cheating on him or physically abusing him but her only crime seems to be that YOU think she doesn't treat him right (as if you know what goes on behind closed doors). Clearly, your judgments about her behaviours are clouded by your own desires.

Sadly, your motives are laced with selfishness.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> where should i post it to? i'm new here.... p.s. are you all recovering from infedelities?


I don't buy that you're that naive when you came to a *marriage* forum posting in the Infidelity section.

But, by all means, humor us.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Thank you for your post and for not being judgemental.
> 
> So there is no frienship between man in a serious relationship and a woman? Even if both respect the boundaries and do not let it escalate into anything other than friendship?


You are obviously not friends, you are in love... I am not a judge of all friendships. Just make a no contact pact and be done with it.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Uh, yeah actually you did demonize her your entire thread until LordM and others pointed it out to you. Then you changed you tune about how kind she is.


isnt it odd that she is comparing herself to the mans stbw???

seems a little bit like an obsession to me.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

southern wife said:


> *And who are you to judge? If he wasn't 100% sure, he would not have put a ring on HER finger.......and would not have stayed with her for 11 years. You need to butt out of his relationship!*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


WOW... you are so kind... you make it seem like it's me calling him... me inviting him places... me coming to have lunch with me... me seeing me on my day off... stalker? ok... so the man is fine, let's blame me since i'm the one who posted here... thanx


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't buy that you're that naive when you came to a *marriage* forum posting in the Infidelity section.
> 
> But, by all means, humor us.


will do!


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

southern wife said:


> *And who are you to judge? If he wasn't 100% sure, he would not have put a ring on HER finger.......and would not have stayed with her for 11 years. You need to butt out of his relationship!*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


oh yes. she knows so much about the stbw. 
shes wanting to be in her place so much that she compares herself to his future wife.

yikes!!!!!!!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> WOW... you are so kind... you make it seem like it's me calling him... me inviting him places... me coming to have lunch with me... me seeing me on my day off... stalker? ok... so the man is fine, let's blame me since i'm the one who posted here... thanx


Well,I did address what I thought of HIM and you ignored it.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> will do!


Here is the thing... you came here and you did not realize that there are a lot of hurt folks on this forum. I realize that you did not expect to be ganged up on. It will come with the territory when folks see you as the problem. 

I think, all you need to do is understand what you represent, the OW. You are NOT a friend, you represent something that many are offended by... so don't take it too personal. I will say this again... no matter how you feel about what posters are saying about you and to you, you need to be the adult in the room. Make a no contact bond with this man and be done with it!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

southern wife said:


> *And who are you to judge? If he wasn't 100% sure, he would not have put a ring on HER finger.......and would not have stayed with her for 11 years. You need to butt out of his relationship!*


Oh, snap! SW has gotten worked up into such a tizzy that she is posting in *all bold letters*! Don't let her get to the wine! Lol. 



drerio said:


> You are missing the point, what Jellybeans is trying to say is that you are not friend, you are in love with this man. You absolutely posted in the right place and yes you are the OW. Being the OW is not being a friend to anyone.


:smthumbup:



lordmayhem said:


> No, not all of us. You would do well to listen to Jellybeans. She's been in your shoes and knows what she's talking about. She's a well respected member of this forum.


::Bows:: ::Curtsies:: Thank you.




Vareshka said:


> WOW... you are so kind... you make it seem like it's me calling him... me inviting him places... me coming to have lunch with me... me seeing me on my day off... stalker? ok... so the man is fine, let's blame me since i'm the one who posted here... thanx


The blame isn't solely yours. He obviously has a hand in it. But you are presenting yourself as if you have had no choice in the matter. As if you have not participated. As if you are not actively paticipating. Everytime he's called you, you could have ignored his call. Each time he's invited you out, you could have said no. You could have, if you wanted to, from the beginning told him you did not feel comfortable hanging out with a man who was engaged to another and set up your own boundaries.

You didn't. And you don't. 

So do not pretend to be clueless as to your role in this matter.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Don't just go away... are you going to do the right thing and do it TODAY


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

My guess is... if this marriage is going to fail is not because GF is this or that but becuase your "friend" has no boundaires.
Detach a little from your self, back off from the trees and watch the whole forest.
What about a random man who is in a decade relationship, engaged to be married, who seek females friends, who bonds so badly with them that make them believe they are perfect for him, who knows well about the emotional attachment and the sexual tension he provokes in that friends, who spend so much energy outside their relationship, who hide in plain sight introducing the so called female friends to her GF so there're are no suspicions. A man who surely woul fail that quiz --> EA quizz.
I'd say this man is no marriage material. I'd say this man has no boundaires and the marrying him is a recipe for disaster. Once children, mortage, etc enter in the picture this mand will seek emotional atachments out there.

Would you marry such man? Would you ever feel safe with this man as husband? Do you think you'd fulfill him so badly he won't need female friends to bond? This kind of man is the nightmare of all wives women in the world.

Your friend is not that good catch. Yet, let's face it, you'd get him with out a blink if your feelings correspond.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

drerio said:


> Here is the thing... you came here and you did not realize that there are a lot of hurt folks on this forum. I realize that you did not expect to be ganged up on. It will come with the territory when folks see you as the problem.
> 
> I think, all you need to do is understand what you represent, the OW. You are NOT a friend


:iagree:

We're not ganging up on her. We are telling her the truth. And the truth hurts. It's the reason why she's minimized and deflected every single thing we've told her. It's the reason why she has gotten defensive about how _his fiance this and his fiance that_; it's the reason why she says his fiance should put an end to their friendship -- putting the onus on the fiance; it's the reason why she says he is the one going after her and trying to play it so that she has no role in this whatsoever; it's the reason she has no accountability. 

The truth sucks when you hear it spelled out in spades. But it doesn't make it any less true.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree:
> 
> We're not ganging up on her. We are telling her the truth. And the truth hurts. It's the reason why she's minimized and deflected every single thing we've told her. It's the reason why she has gotten defensive about how _his fiance this and his fiance that_; it's the reason why she says his fiance should put an end to their friendship -- putting the onus on the fiance; it's the reason why she says he is the one going after her and trying to play it so that she has no role in this whatsoever; it's the reason she has no accountability.
> 
> The truth sucks when you hear it spelled out in spades. But it doesn't make it any less true.


I understand that, but she doesn't (reading between the lines of her post). I simply want her to do the right thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bkaydezz said:


> Men and women cannot be friends.
> There will be some sexual attration built up over time.


Someone should add this thread/linked to the Opposite Sex Friends thread that is current in CWI now.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh, snap! SW has gotten worked up into such a tizzy that she is posting in *all bold letters*! Don't let her get to the wine! Lol.


:lol: You must've missed my *stalker* comment. People like this can be veeewwwy veewwwy scaaaawwy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There was a thread/link that was posted w/in the last few weeks on TAM about a woman who was in love with this guy friend of hers and he was getting maried to someone else and she was seeking advice on what to do.

I can't find it but I think it would be really beneficial for Vareshka to read since it is relevant to her situation. 

If someone sees/remembers it, can they post a link in here for her?


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

[
The blame isn't solely yours. He obviously has a hand in it. But you are presenting yourself as if you have had no choice in the matter. As if you have not participated. As if you are not actively paticipating. Everytime he's called you, you could have ignored his call. Each time he's invited you out, you could have said no. You could have, if you wanted to, from the beginning told him you did not feel comfortable hanging out with a man who was engaged to another and set up your own boundaries.

.[/QUOTE]


I have many male friends and yes i'm comfortable with ebing freinds with someone who is engaged. As i said i cannot be "the one" for everyone i like, friendships oftentimes last longer than boyfreinds/girlfreinds, so friendship a type of relationship i hold dear. One of my closest friends of over 10 years is married (his wife knows me and has no issues with me at all), many of my guy freinds have girlfreinds, i do not have a problem with being just freinds. Yes, in this relationship the freindship is more intense, he is very social and outgoing but different people have different communication styles, etc...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Suggestion: Call him and tell him how you feel and ask him to choose......Tell him its you or her....If youre so sure that its you he runs to when he has news, or needs to talk. Make him choose. Arent you tired of sharing him? Just tell him he should be with you and ask him to choose.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> where should i post it to? i'm new here....* p.s. are you all recovering from infedelities?*


Understatement of the year.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

southern wife said:


> :lol: You must've missed my *stalker* comment. People like this can be veeewwwy veewwwy scaaaawwy.


No, I didn't miss it. I just didn't want OP to think we were being too harsh on her. Lol. 

But I do like when you get all sassy, SW!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Understatement of the year.


I know that wasn't meant to be funny but the comment made me :rofl:



Vareshka said:


> I have many male friends and yes i'm comfortable with ebing freinds with someone who is engaged. As i said i cannot be "the one" for everyone i like, friendships oftentimes last longer than boyfreinds/girlfreinds, so friendship a type of relationship i hold dear. One of my closest friends of over 10 years is married (*his wife knows me and has no issues with me at all*), many of my guy freinds have girlfreinds, i do not have a problem with being just freinds. *Yes, in this relationship the freindship is more intense*, he is very social and outgoing but different people have different communication styles, etc...


Well, see. There you just answered your own puzzle. The reason why the friendships aren't a problem in the other relationships is because you have boundaries and respect the wives/marriages and in turn, they respect you for it. In this case, though, the fiance doesn't like you cause she knows that you want her guy and that is why there is all this friction and why you also don't like her.

I think once you really and truly own that your relationship is totally inappropriate, you will begin to see this better. I mean, you definiteky seem to have a sense of it seeing where you posted and what your thread title is and have said if you were the wife, you'd cut it out, but you are still not truly owning it. Try it out. It will be liberating. 

You have feelings for him.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No, I didn't miss it. I just didn't want OP to think we were being too harsh on her. Lol.
> 
> But I do like when you get all sassy, SW!


Sorry if my "sassiness" went too far and was too harsh, but I did get "that vibe". 

Makes you wonder what *his side of the story* is.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Suggestion: Call him and tell him how you feel and ask him to choose......Tell him its you or her....If youre so sure that its you he runs to when he has news, or needs to talk. Make him choose. Arent you tired of sharing him? Just tell him he should be with you and ask him to choose.


Why? Even if he was all of a sudden single i think he has some work to do before being in a committed relationship... If i want to remain just freinds why would i want to make him choose...

Sorry, i really posted this in a wrong place...


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> I have many male friends and yes i'm comfortable with ebing freinds with someone who is engaged. As i said i cannot be "the one" for everyone i like, friendships oftentimes last longer than boyfreinds/girlfreinds, so friendship a type of relationship i hold dear. One of my closest friends of over 10 years is married (his wife knows me and has no issues with me at all), many of my guy freinds have girlfreinds, i do not have a problem with being just freinds. Yes, in this relationship the freindship is more intense, he is very social and outgoing but different people have different communication styles, etc...


So you described the situation and you even place yourself (appropriately so) as the OW... This does not set off alarm bells in your own head? Really? 

You will not find anyone here, including myself,and I would consider myself the kinder one  , helping you to justify your continued friendship. If you cannot take what I consider to be the best advice then I have nothing more to add. "Break off all contact NOW"

If not, his wife will be posting her in about six months, and you will still be the OW.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> Why? Even if he was all of a sudden single i think he has some work to do before being in a committed relationship... If i want to remain just freinds why would i want to make him choose...


What do you want ultimately? Truly answer that.

What was the point of posting here? What do you seek?


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I know that wasn't meant to be funny but the comment made me :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


i want him? what him in what sense? wish i was her? nope... interesting... i have a list of things that sumamrizes why even if he was single, knowing what i know now, i would not be in any rush to be with him...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Why? Even if he was all of a sudden single i think he has some work to do before being in a committed relationship... If i want to remain just freinds why would i want to make him choose...
> 
> Sorry, i really posted this in a wrong place...


WHY??????

Because you feel entitled. Because you clearly want him for yourself and not as a FRIEND. You wont do it because you KNOW he will choose HER. You dont want to remain friends because youre not friends now. YOU are overstepping your boundaries. You'd better hope she's nothing like me or youre gonna get some misery dealt upon you...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> i want him? what him in what sense? wish i was her? nope... interesting... i have a list of things that sumamrizes why even if he was single, knowing what i know now, i would not be in any rush to be with him...


THEN why are you here???? Youre the one who named the thread "*Emotional Affair???? Im the OW*. And NOW youre saying you wouldnt be with him...???? ok.

Im out.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> What was the point of posting here? What do you seek?


What do you think about their future marriage given the closeness of our friendship? Not what you think about me, but about their future marriage.

I also wonder what will happen to our frienship and whether there is ANY WAY such close freinship can live side by side with a happy marriage. I do want to remain friends, can it work? Maybe if we have many activities with her?


----------



## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> THEN why are you here???? Youre the one who named the thread "*Emotional Affair???? Im the OW*. And NOW youre saying you wouldnt be with him...???? ok.
> 
> Im out.


I don't think he's ready for a truly committed relationship, it may take his some time to get there, or someone needs to help him put boundaries up...


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> What do you think about their future marriage given the closeness of our friendship? Not what you think about me, but about their future marriage.
> 
> I also wonder what will happen to our frienship and whether there is ANY WAY such close freinship can live side by side with a happy marriage. I do want to remain friends, can it work? Maybe if we have many activities with her?


YOURE NOT HIS FRIEND! You are the OW by your own thread title.

IT cant work! Its not working now-his fiance' hates you!

The future of their marriage is not your concern. MOVE ON.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> THEN why are you here???? Youre the one who named the thread "*Emotional Affair???? Im the OW*. And NOW youre saying you wouldnt be with him...???? ok.
> 
> Im out.


I read about EA... i'm just not very clear what is the difference between EA and friendship if people involved do not act on attraction, make it clear that this is a friendship only type of relationship...


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> What do you think about their future marriage given the closeness of our friendship? Not what you think about me, but about their future marriage.
> 
> I also wonder what will happen to our frienship and whether there is ANY WAY such close freinship can live side by side with a happy marriage. I do want to remain friends, can it work? Maybe if we have many activities with her?


I want to pull my hair out... I think and you should think nothing of their future marriage. He is a grown man and he can make his own decisions. You are clouded with your own infatuation about him. If I told you I was marrying someone who you thought was a total B*TCH, would you care? No, because you don't know me and you don't have the same feelings about me. YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE... MOVE ON!!!!


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> I don't think i'm settling for second best. I think she is his girlfriend and number 1 there and i'm his friend, number 1 there. It is not my plan to take him away from her eventhough I don't think their relationship is 100% solid. From my end I'm fine with being his friend...


So you don't want to be more than friends with this guy.


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> I read about EA... i'm just not very clear what is the difference between EA and friendship if people involved do not act on attraction, make it clear that this is a friendship only type of relationship...


The way you describe how you feel... there you go, EA. What if you couldn't talk to him for a whole month, how would you feel?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> I read about EA... *i'm just not very clear what is the difference between EA and friendship* if people involved do not act on attraction, make it clear that this is a friendship only type of relationship...



:scratchhead:

I'll answer this way- If it were truly JUST a friendship- you wouldnt be HERE asking these questions.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> YOURE NOT HIS FRIEND! You are the OW by your own thread title.
> 
> IT cant work! Its not working now-his fiance' hates you!
> 
> The future of their marriage is not your concern. MOVE ON.


She said she did not like the way i looked at him... he gave her the reassurance that i guess she needed, i don't know if she hates me, or was concerned and not any more because of his reassurance, maybe she wants to get to know me and maybe she can get more comfortable with me... i don't know, we met only 2 so far...


----------



## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

drerio said:


> The way you describe how you feel... there you go, EA. What if you couldn't talk to him for a whole month, how would you feel?


would pile up all the things that happened while we couldn't talk and be glad to talk to him again...


----------



## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

badbane said:


> So you don't want to be more than friends with this guy.


As of now all i want is friendship...


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I get the feeling Im wasting my time here.

Good luck I guess.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> would pile up all the things that happened while we couldn't talk and be glad to talk to him again...


Really, are you sure. What if the only time you could talk would be on speaker phone with his wife listening every time. Also what if you had to cc her every time you emailed him. Also you had to send bulk text msg to both him and her every time. In other words are there things you can only say to him without her listening in?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> I read about EA... i'm just not very clear what is the difference between EA and friendship if people involved do not act on attraction, make it clear that this is a friendship only type of relationship...


you are giving parts of you that are deep and emotional with greater feeling behind them.

it makes plenty of sense.

you really need to let go. this isnt a friendship.
its destructive.
why would his stbw be threatened by you if she though you were good for him to be around?

women do not have male friends.
like you said you can not have everyone that you would like.

just forget him and save yourself some dignity.
i find it shameful that you are trying to argue your way through all of this as if it is ok and you are showing no remorse whatso ever that you are bombarding another couples relationship.

you need to put your foot dow nadn move forward. 
this will not end pretty for you i garuntee it.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> you are giving parts of you that are deep and emotional with greater feeling behind them.
> 
> it makes plenty of sense.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> She said she did not like the way i looked at him... he gave her the reassurance that i guess she needed, i don't know if she hates me, or was concerned and not any more because of his reassurance, maybe she wants to get to know me and maybe she can get more comfortable with me... i don't know, we met only 2 so far...


 Trust me on this. She won't forget about that look. Ever. Could you? From nonw on you are a rival, a potential.

Did you made the quizz I posted?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> As of now all i want is friendship...


as of now?

what about tommorow!?
or tongiht?


Your feelings change all the time. What you feel now will not be what you are going to feel 10 minutes from now.
You cant honestly say that you dont wish you were his stbw.

really, respect yourself and realize this man is using you to have a good time with but at the end of the day, his penis is in another woman. he isnt thinking about you only.

i know i wouldnt look forward to a man like that if i didnt grab all of his attention.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

drerio said:


> ... I think and you should think nothing of their future marriage. He is a grown man and he can make his own decisions.
> 
> I agree that this is his life. He is a grown make and can make his own decisions. I'm not asking him to question his choice. I'm accepting whoever he chooses to be with. it is his right and all I can do is accept it, it's his life.
> 
> ...


If you were my friend I would care... If you were my good freind i'd talk to you in a suttle way before you decided to marry, once made the decision i would accept it as I'm not living anybody else's life... that's not how it works... You accept and let your freinds (regardless of their gender) make their choices and go through with them... My dear freind married whom i thought was an idiot, i was sad that she was marrying him but accepted her decision...


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> as of now?
> 
> what about tommorow!?
> or tongiht?
> ...


Why would i want him to think only about me when i understand that he is in a committed relationship? what do i care where his penis is at? Wow... it should be inside his girlfreind...

and as i said i don't wish to be in her place because i don't think he is ready for what i'd call a committed relationship...


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

drerio said:


> Really, are you sure. What if the only time you could talk would be on speaker phone with his wife listening every time. Also what if you had to cc her every time you emailed him. Also you had to send bulk text msg to both him and her every time. In other words are there things you can only say to him without her listening in?


She can go through his phone and see text messages we exchange... he can put her on a speakerphone if that's how he can maintain friendships... if that's how they as a COUPLE agree to maintain freindships that's their choice and i either accept it and roll with it or stop being freinds.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

A married man's female best friend is his WIFE. Bottom line.

Personally I don't know why either one of you want this cake eater, he stinks of all sorts of future heartbreak.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Vareshka said:


> As of now all i want is friendship...


This is a pretty telling statement. Just a matter of time.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Why would i want him to think only about me when i understand that he is in a committed relationship? what do i care where his penis is at? Wow... it should be inside his girlfreind...
> 
> and as i said i don't wish to be in her place because i don't think he is ready for what i'd call a committed relationship...


Honey ,NOTHING you said throughout this post has made sense.

You have confused yourself, contradicted practically everything you have said.

Dont worry what he is ready for.
Worry about you and how bad you make yourself look messing with this man and woman.

Quite frankly, his penis doesnt need to be in her because you are saying you DONT think he is ready for the commitment.

You dont know what this man wants.
He will dump you like trash on monday morning.

WE are all telling you the same thing.
just listen to us.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> A married man's female best friend is his WIFE. Bottom line.
> 
> Personally I don't know why either one of you want this cake eater, he stinks of all sorts of future heartbreak.


Should be his wife - i agree... But it's not...

And if I leave he will either continue to look for it outside of the marriage or change and work on developing this close bond inside the marriage...


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> She can go through his phone and see text messages we exchange... he can put her on a speakerphone if that's how he can maintain friendships... if that's how they as a COUPLE agree to maintain freindships that's their choice and i either accept it and roll with it or stop being freinds.


NOoooooooooo! 

If that happens, there is NO TRUST.

The Future wife is not stupid. Like ive said..
You are probably on her mind more frequently than you think and not short of bad comings.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> If you were my friend I would care... If you were my good freind i'd talk to you in a suttle way before you decided to marry, once made the decision i would accept it as I'm not living anybody else's life... that's not how it works... You accept and let your freinds (regardless of their gender) make their choices and go through with them... My dear freind married whom i thought was an idiot, i was sad that she was marrying him but accepted her decision...


Ok... I have a female friend from HS. My background, molecular biologist - having worked on several drug development projects. We contacted each other through FB. She was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. With my background she wanted some advice and reassurance. We talked on the phone, however every conversation was on speaker phone with my wife listening. At no time was I ever (even subtly) going to talk about deep personal medical issues outside the boundaries. My wife was always going to be in on my conversations. Any email and all text msgs are automatically forwarded to my wife. I had a programmer set it up that way. 

He can make his own decision, you have no right to butt in. And, that is what you are doing. You are clouded by your own feelings for this man. If you are willing to share all your conversation with both of them, fine continue your friendship. If not, this is not a friendship but is exactly the way you framed it in the beginning, an EA that is headed for more.

P.S. I really don't believe that this is a friendship. Don't think for a moment that the subtle conversations are any thing but private, otherwise why suggest that that is exactly what you would like to do to break up this potential marriage.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

This is a lost cause.............stalkers don't just "go away"....not without some bad consequences.

Anywho, you're asking about his future marriage........let's see..............*it will last alot longer without your interference.*


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Also, you're degrading yourself. You're his emotional crutch and she's his vagina.

Doesn't that make you feel sort of insulted? Are you not good enough to be his sexual partner too? Because if you were he wouldn't need her. See where I'm going? Seriously you deserve better than this clusterf*ck of tragedy.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> NOoooooooooo!
> 
> If that happens, there is NO TRUST.
> 
> ...


Given the way it was framed in the beginning... I would agree


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> i want him? what him in what sense? wish i was her? nope... interesting... i have a list of things that sumamrizes why even if he was single, knowing what i know now, i would not be in any rush to be with him...


Then back off. I think you aren't being honest with yourself here. Listen we are going to pick apart what you are saying. In your OP you make is seem like you want to be with him. Understand this to me is the key. The only reason I would even consider breaking up a wedding is if I felt that I should be with the woman over the fiance . I would approach the Woman and tell her how I feel. Explain the situation and then let the Woman decide. 
If you are meddling with your friends life just because you don't think he is with the right woman. You are what we call a toxic friend. 
A true friend wouldn't be doing what you are doing. It'd be one thing if they were tieing the knot after a month. The reason he is separating you two is to have you on as a backup plan. 

This whole situation is getting hard to follow because your OP and posts following keep changing. What is the nature of your friendship. Why feel this sudden urge to breakup the wedding? Why are you following the script of the best friend that wants the guy but watches him run off with the wrong girl?

Your actions in words don't match up. I think the problem is you don't know what the true nature of the relationship with this man is. I think you want to kill this wedding to see how this "intense" friendship ends up? I maybe wrong but you don't sound like you have your true feelings all worked out. 
There fore leave the guy alone. If you don't want him as more than a friend she does and is willing to commit to him. If you do what him a more than a friend tell him how you feel, lay down the ground rules and then whomever he choses make peace with it. You aren't acting talking like just a friend and if you look at your own posts you will see it. 
If you don't want to marry this man you need to stop being his friend. What do you think "intense" friendships turn into? Mariiage or an Affair . 
My wife has a laundry list of things she wishes she had changed about me before we got married. Guess what we got married anyway. if you hang around you are going to get trapped up in the tons of drama and will be ruining his marriage, your reputation. 
You think all your married friend's wives are going to let you be around their men if you get involved? You are is a seriously screwed up position and you either need to tell him how you feel and let him choose or you just need to leave him alone.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

drerio said:


> Ok... I have a female friend from HS. My background, molecular biologist - having worked on several drug development projects. We contacted each other through FB. She was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. With my background she wanted some advice and reassurance. We talked on the phone, however every conversation was on speaker phone with my wife listening. At no time was I ever (even subtly) going to talk about deep personal medical issues outside the boundaries. My wife was always going to be in on my conversations. Any email and all text msgs are automatically forwarded to my wife. I had a programmer set it up that way.
> 
> He can make his own decision, you have no right to butt in. And, that is what you are doing. You are clouded by your own feelings for this man. If you are willing to share all your conversation with both of them, fine continue your friendship. If not, this is not a friendship but is exactly the way you framed it in the beginning, an EA that is headed for more.


So then do you suggest that I make sure she is included in all of our conversations? Just wonder how to practically do it, but if that will give her a peace of mind...


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> Also, you're degrading yourself. You're his emotional crutch and she's his vagina.
> 
> Doesn't that make you feel sort of insulted? Are you not good enough to be his sexual partner too? Because if you were he wouldn't need her. See where I'm going? Seriously you deserve better than this clusterf*ck of tragedy.


Don't friends provide emotional support?
For the right person i want to be a freind and a lover. He is a friend not to be confused with a lover!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> So then do you suggest that I make sure she is included in all of our conversations? Just wonder how to practically do it, but if that will give her a peace of mind...


You just alluded to the answer of your own question. If you have to ask that question then it is time to pull the chute. Get out of this relationship... end it... no contact... move on... trust me it will not end well.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Don't friends provide emotional support?
> For the right person i want to be a freind and a lover. He is a friend not to be confused with a lover!


This may sounds crazy to you because you're not married and never have been but married men and women do not (and should not) have extremely close friends of the opposite sex. This just doesn't happen, it's inappropriate. It causes problems, it causes divided attention and ultimately the demise of the marriage. You have to get this through your head and he has to get it through his. The days of you hanging out damn near every day of the week and calling each other all of the time is OVER. Make it be over.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Don't friends provide emotional support?
> For the right person i want to be a freind and a lover. He is a friend not to be confused with a lover!


I think by your original post... that is the one I believe is from the heart, the rest are simply shielded deflections to the barrage of attacks... you are not a friend to provide that emotional support. His wife can provide him with that support. I will continue the drum beat... get out of this relationship, no contact


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

Thank you everyone!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Thank you everyone!


I hope you remember, do the right thing... I mean it. We will be hearing from his wife in no time about the OW, you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

drerio said:


> I hope you remember, do the right thing... I mean it. We will be hearing from his wife in no time about the OW, you.


AND you will become the OW who spends years waiting/hoping for him to leave his wife. It rarely happens. Do yourself, her and your 'friend' a favor-back off. Three's a crowd.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> So then do you suggest that I make sure she is included in all of our conversations? Just wonder how to practically do it, but if that will give her a peace of mind...


You cc her on every email you send him.

You include her on every text you send him.

If you meet with him she has to be there.

Think of her as his conjoined twin. She can't be excluded from your interactions with him.

I think you can see where I'm going with this. If you're unwilling to do these things, and I would imagine you are, then you should know you're no friend to their marriage.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> You cc her on every email you send him.
> 
> You include her on every text you send him.
> 
> ...


Exactly what I wanted her to realize... She really can't because of the question asked.


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## Vareshka (Aug 22, 2012)

drerio said:


> Exactly what I wanted her to realize... She really can't because of the question asked.


Actually this is really one way to make it work and for her to be comfortable with it! If she is comfortable then he will be comfrtable and i will be comfortable...


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Actually this is really one way to make it work and for her to be comfortable with it! If she is comfortable then he will be comfrtable and i will be comfortable...


Have it your way... but I have my doubts. You cannot be telling him "she is no good for you" and have this conversation over coffee while you are all dolled up. And, if he starts to complain about her... you need to walk away. 

I really have my doubts, and if you search deep inside, I think you will know what I mean. You are no doubt an inexperienced and young soul. I really hope the best for their marriage in spite of you.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

do this... if you insist on not listening to the salient advice of so many seasoned veterans, let me suggest two areas that you need to restrict your talk to:

1. Sports, talk about how the Phillies suckkk or how the Eagles have to tighten up their secondary or QBs will pick them apart.

2. Hardware stores

You get my drift? Anything else is way out of bounds in your case.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well Drerio You get an 'A' for effort here, I'll give you that.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Well Drerio You get an 'A' for effort here, I'll give you that.


Unfortunately the OP gets no better than D- for listening. She will not doubt be the "destroyer" of that future marriage. We tried... My only hope that maybe when she lays down on her bed, has a good cry, grows up and does the right thing. Oh Well... only a few more days of my vacation and I get to do some sadistic behavior, watch the Phillies loose again.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Actually this is really one way to make it work and for her to be comfortable with it! If she is comfortable then he will be comfrtable and i will be comfortable...


Obviously she is not comfortable with "it" and will not be comfortable with "it" anytime in the future.

Your move.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> THEN why are you here???? Youre the one who named the thread "*Emotional Affair???? Im the OW*. And NOW youre saying you wouldnt be with him...???? ok.
> 
> Im out.


:iagree:



Amplexor said:


> This is a pretty telling statement. Just a matter of time.


:iagree:



Vareshka said:


> Should be his wife - i agree... *But it's not...*
> And if I leave he will either continue to look for it outside of the marriage or change and work on developing this close bond inside the marriage...


You are just trying to rationalize away you "friendship" with him. 



southern wife said:


> This is a lost cause.............


Agreed. She won't even own her thread title in her statements.

Vareshka, remember your thread here one day when you become engaged to marry a man and he has some chick swirling around him trying to intrude your relationship.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Vareshka, remember your thread here one day when you become engaged to marry a man and he has some chick swirling around him trying to intrude your relationship.


:iagree:

Is that a Karma thingy?


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Vareshka, remember your thread here one day when you become engaged to marry a man and he has some chick swirling around him trying to intrude your relationship.


:lol:
well said. I love the term swirling.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Plain and simply put. He doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for him. If you were a real friend you would do anything possible to make sure he's happy and that his marriage does last. Instead you seem to be making this all about you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Jack clean up. Baseball discussions belong in Social. Thanks.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Jack clean up. Baseball discussions belong in Social. Thanks.


Sorry about that... just got carried away.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> Actually this is really one way to make it work and for her to be comfortable with it! If she is comfortable then he will be comfrtable and i will be comfortable...



Comfortable? Now you want her to be comfortable? Removing yourself from her life and her business is a good start. She doesn't like you and for good reason. You're an intruder in her relationship... and from your posts, you plan to put yourself willingly into the middle of her marriage as well. Without you in their lives, I'm sure he'd put more of his energy into his relationship with his fiancee.

You're the OW because you chose to be. Simply as that.

If he's really as into you as you assume, then he's a cake-eater. You actaully want a man you have to share? Because even if he picks you for a while, he's not going to let her go. Do you think you can compete with an 11 year R? Sure you're all shiny and new right now but wait until those affair chemicals wear off...he's going right back to her because of their shared history. And if he doesn't then he's an unremorseful cheater and those types always do it again.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Vareshka said:


> She said she did not like the way i looked at him... he gave her the reassurance that i guess she needed, i don't know if she hates me, or was concerned and not any more because of his reassurance, maybe she wants to get to know me and maybe she can get more comfortable with me... i don't know, we met only 2 so far...


How do you know this? If he told you, it's a prime example of a lack of boundaries. He shouldn't share any of their personal discussions. On the other hand, his relationship with you should be an open book to her. I doubt that's the case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

I've posted this before in other threads. Vareshka is stunk in her own little fairy tail world. You know the one where she busts into the church during the wedding and tells the guy she loves him. He then goes running into her arms for a kiss and they live happily ever after. This immature girl needs to snap out of it and realize this isn't all about her. Their eleven year relationship, impending marriage and life isn't all about her.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> How do you know this? If he told you, it's a prime example of a lack of boundaries. He shouldn't share any of their personal discussions. On the other hand, his relationship with you should be an open book to her. I doubt that's the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesn't know. It's just a bunch of assumptions and generalizations to justify or rationalize her thoughts and behaviors.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Jack clean up. Baseball discussions belong in Social. Thanks.


yeah, yeah....


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Your friend has been in a long term relationship for 11 years. This is as good as married just because they are only formalising it now.

You are toxic to their relationship because you think you can do a better job being the wife. WHO do you think you are to decide that? 

It is NOT your decision whether he marries her or not, they have been together 11 years already, they are committed to each other.

YOU are standing in the way of them making this work. BACK OFF! If it doesn't work at least you can put your hand on your heart and say it wasn't because of you. That would make you a good friend.

Right now, you may be a contributor, as the fiancee already can feel. he is hers NOT YOURS. You sound like someone who wants something just because they can't have it rather because they truly want it.


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> Should be his wife - i agree... But it's not...
> 
> And if I leave he will either continue to look for it outside of the marriage or change and work on developing this close bond inside the marriage...


If you were to distance yourself and stop talking or seeing each other several times a week, whether he is initiating contact with you or you are (I don't remember which you said was more frequent), your friend and his wife might have more time to "work on developing this close bond inside the marriage".

Personal I think that if you know his fiance is not happy with your close relationship/friendship with her man, then you should respectfully distance yourself for your friend's sake. He is a grown man who has had 11 years to decide if he wants to marry this woman or not. If it turns out to be a mistake, at least it will be his own and not due to outside influence.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I think you are very deep in the fog, Vareshka. I can barely see your text there. 

Look at your opening OP, your thread title. You are the other woman. Whatever you say about your friend's fiance is bias in the fact that you said:



Vareshka said:


> *I liked him* and even though I realized we could not date, I understand that *I cannot be intimate with everyone I like* and I truly treasure frienships... We got along so well that I wanted to be his friend.


I truly believe that your feelings didn't just go away. If they did, you would not be in an EA with your friend. You would not be bad-mouthing his soon-to-be-bride. I don't know if you are doing it intentionally or not, but I think you know that you could stand to gain if you break up this soon-to-be marriage.

Be the bigger person. Walk away. Let your friend enjoy his life with his new bride.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

Okay some homework for you  Watch the movie 'My Best Friend's Wedding' starring Julia Roberts, with a gallon of Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream, and a box of tissues, and have a good cry. You're gonna get through this. I promise you.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

Oh, and DO NOT ATTEND THE WEDDING!!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

How come you don't have your own boyfriend/husband?

If you are "such a good friend" & "understanding" & an all-around good person, then ask yourself why you don't have a man?

Has your friend here asked for your opinion regarding his fiance & upcoming marriage?

Are you familiar with the concept of a "self-fulfilling prophecy?" It's about altering actions in order for something to come true.

Your "truth" is that you don't want him to get married so you want to "alter" (tell him why it's a bad idea) so that he doesn't marry (action) her. 

OP, it may be different if he came to you saying he didn't want to get married asking for your advice, but I didn't read that.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Emerald said:


> How come you don't have your own boyfriend/husband?
> 
> If you are "such a good friend" & "understanding" & an all-around good person, then ask yourself why you don't have a man?


I asked that question and she deliberately avoided it. A single person would have no problem saying they're single. This may indicate that she's married or has a boyfriend, and her partner may not know of her EA with another man.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> Actually this is really one way to make it work and for her to be comfortable with it! If she is comfortable then he will be comfrtable and i will be comfortable...


She is already not comfortable with you, you said she dosent like how you look at her man,(which in itself is very telling, she knows what you really want) what more do you need?

What would you do if she actually had the balls to tell you to your face "Hey this is my man and I dont like your supposed friendship with him, so please just go away forever"


Grow up and go no contact, how do you do that? it's simple
YOU JUST DO IT!!!! its called being an adult.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She hasn't been back.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> She hasn't been back.


Didn't like the answers she was getting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's usually the case


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Sometimes, the advice is a hard pill to swallow.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Sad thing is, the future wife of the man she wants to continue to be "friends" with will be here someday telling her story. 

As we write, she is probably getting all dolled up to have coffee with him. She is making sure she smells just right... and no they won't be talking sports or hardware stores. I like my friends (they are the same gender as me), but they smell, belch and I have to tell them to cool the language when my sons are around.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

ughhhhhh. shes in total denial of being all about this man.

shame on the man too. he is just leading her on more and more.

and she is his little puppy.

if you even have to question this, that tells me you already know its no good.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> ughhhhhh. shes in total denial of being all about this man.
> 
> shame on the man too. he is just leading her on more and more.
> 
> ...


Thats what I told her when she asked "how do you know the difference in friendship and an EA?"......really????


The very fact that she's here- EA.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

I think she will keeping reading for a little while...she wants to know what we are saying about her...so just in case....



Be very sure that had your 'friend' come on here and explained this situation...everyone would have been telling him:

that he is having an EA with you ; 

that it is clearly not just a true friendship ;

that his STBW was right to be wary of you ;

that it is an inappropriate bond and connection to continue with you ;

that he needs to cut you loose and put all of that energy and care into his relationship with his fiancee ;

that you are not a friend of the marriage, but you would pretend to be to get access to Jimbob, whilst laughing behind her back at what an amazing bond her husband has with YOU.



Whichever way i look at this, i feel sorry for his fiancee.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

FRANC said:


> Whichever way i look at this, i feel sorry for his fiancee.


...of ELEVEN YEARS. Don't forget that tidbit OP threw in after the thread was about 20 posts in..

That's longer than my marriage! That's actually longer than both of my marriages combined + time spent divorced.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

FRANC said:


> I think she will keeping reading for a little while...she wants to know what we are saying about her...so just in case....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She may be lurking around anonymously... but I doubt it. She is an immature woman who fails to understand her own reasoning. 

To re-write her own original post as I read it... _"My best friend is getting married to a b*tch... he is a great guy and deserves someone like me. I still don't get what he sees in her... I keep giving him subtle hints that I am available and find him attractive. but OMG, he is still going to marry her. So do all of you think I have *right* to carry on this EA with him even though he is determined to get married in six months? You all agree I have a *right* to convince him not to make that mistake? I really need your support on this issue... he is making a huge mistake by not choosing me"_

If she is still lurking and would like to correct me on this, I am man enough to be proven wrong.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

nonono...

that was the nice way of re-writing it!!!!!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> nonono...
> 
> that was the nice way of re-writing it!!!!!


Well that was my edit... my original re-write would get me kicked off of this site.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

drerio said:


> She may be lurking around anonymously... but I doubt it. She is an immature woman who fails to understand her own reasoning.
> 
> To re-write her own original post as I read it... _"My best friend is getting married to a b*tch... he is a great guy and *deserves someone like me*. I still don't get what he sees in her... I keep giving him subtle hints that I am available and find him attractive. but OMG, he is still going to marry her. So do all of you think I have *right* to carry on this EA with him even though he is determined to get married in six months? You all agree I have a *right* to convince him not to make that mistake? I really need your support on this issue... he is making a huge mistake by not choosing me"_
> 
> If she is still lurking and would like to correct me on this, I am man enough to be proven wrong.



I agree with the bold part. He DOES deserve someone like HER. At least thats what it sounds like to me since he is clearly as guilty as her.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> ...of ELEVEN YEARS. Don't forget that tidbit OP threw in after the thread was about 20 posts in..
> 
> That's longer than my marriage! That's actually longer than both of my marriages combined + time spent divorced.


That's how long I have been together with my husband. We've been married six; living together, eleven. He had female friends before me, but he let them go when we got together (until about 5 years and six months ago). Just boggles my mind some of the threads in CWI.

OP, they been together longer than you were with him. It could be that you don't like the way she is acting because you have designs for him, yourself. Things look differently when you want to see them differently.

She has a right to look at you strangely and to feel threatened by you. In your own admission, she acts like you. My own husband's EA acted like me too, started to wear her hair like me, and adopted my sense of style. You know why? She wanted to be me! I think you need to grow a little, and focus your energy on your own husband | boyfriend. I think it's curious that you skirted over that question.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Writer said:


> That's how long I have been together with my husband. We've been married six; living together, eleven. He had female friends before me, but he let them go when we got together (until about 5 years and six months ago). Just boggles my mind some of the threads in CWI.
> 
> OP, they been together longer than you were with him. It could be that you don't like the way she is acting because you have designs for him, yourself. Things look differently when you want to see them differently.
> 
> She has a right to look at you strangely and to feel threatened by you. In your own admission, she acts like you. My own husband's EA acted like me too, started to wear her hair like me, and adopted my sense of style. You know why? She wanted to be me! I think you need to grow a little, and focus your energy on your own husband | boyfriend. I think it's curious that you skirted over that question.


I'd tell you straight to your face to back off. I wouldn't just glare at you. She shows exceptional restraint.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Oh, I agree. However, some people are passive and think that a glare will be enough. I used to be that way with DH's OW until she threatened to take my place and my DD and I would live on the streets. Confronted the OW about the EA. The confrontation did not feel as good as I thought it would. The NC letter that my husband wrote was phenomenal, however. Basically said that their future had no hope, and he despised her and the texts and emails that they shared. This was before I heard of TAM. 

Last I heard, many years ago via the grapevine, the OW's game (that we met her and her husband in) was hacked and all of her stuff deleted, she broke up with her husband (my OM), and she actually got hit by a bus (and was hospitable). Karma bus actually hit her. Sometimes, fact is truly stranger than fiction. 

I can imagine what his poor fiancee is going through. She suspects, probably trusts his word that they are "just friends". It'll take a revelation for her to discover they aren't. Then, she will go on the internet and search on what to do about his infedility (EA and possible PA). Let's hope that it leads her here.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Swear that's one of the funniest things I've heard in a while. She actually got hit by the actual for real karma bus.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Yep. My sister and my best friend thought it was hilarious as well. . . in a sort of morbid way. I wish karma would affect OWs more often, however. Maybe, not in such a drastic way.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

nah I'm pretty sure that was the best possible way still avoiding death.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vareshka said:


> MattMatt, thank you for posting...
> 
> Why do you think she does not respect him? - Everything she has to say about him is quite negative: that he cannot cook, that he is good only for cleaning up, that he cannot dance, that he cannot even get ice cubes out - it is so silly yet these are the only things she said to/about him all evening long. He was supposed to cook dinner since I am his friend but soemthing came up and he asked her to cook, so she kept on glorifying herself and putting him down about it and made me really uncomfortable because if she did not want to cook he could have rescheduled. When we went out with freinds her comments about getting married were along the lines of putting him on a leash, that everything he got will now belong to her, etc. Everything i'm writing here may sound ok, but it is also the way it was delivered that did not give me good vibes at all...
> 
> ...


Everything she said that was negative showed a lack of respect.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Vareshka said:


> What do you think about their future marriage given the closeness of our friendship? Not what you think about me, but about their future marriage.
> 
> I also wonder what will happen to our frienship and whether there is ANY WAY such close freinship can live side by side with a happy marriage. I do want to remain friends, can it work? Maybe if we have many activities with her?




Ok, i got this far in the thread. I dont have the fortitude to read it all, so if someone else has already said this, my apologies. 

Have you watched the movie My Best Friends Wedding? If not, go do so. He loves her, not you. Have some respect for him and yourself. Not to mention some dignity. Put yourself in his Fiance's shoes. Your trying to break up Her marriage. What kind of woman does tha make you? One to be proud of? I say no, it does not. 

If he wanted you, you would be in her shoes. He does not and you are not. 

Let this one go and go get a life of your own. You cant habe this one. Its not yours.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

This thread should end. The OP was at no time interested in listening.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> This thread should end. The OP was at no time interested in listening.


THATS why we started talking about baseball- then got told it didnt belong here.....did it matter? OP hauled butt when she didnt hear what she wanted....


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