# Dream wife but no sex?



## Ashlee (Mar 2, 2013)

Hello This Is is my first post here. I can't take it anymore. My husband repeatedly tells me I'm so beautiful and hot multiple times everyday! He says he is infatuated with me. To the point it's really annoying... Because he never initiates sex or he avoids it all together. I'm the trophy wife for him. It's an inside joke at his work that he bought me. (Of course this is not true). I have made myself into the type he likes, go to gym everyday, breast implants, dye hair blonde, etc. so why does our sex life barely stay alive? we go from once every 3 to 6 weeks. Sorry for ranting. My self esteem have taken a nose dive and I feel so rejected and inadequate. He even turned down oral sex last week. Does anyone have any insight for me? I also suspect he has changed into some type of domination tendencies by little things he does.:scratchhead:


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Gay. Sorry but that is my first thought


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I have nothing. Gay? I doubt it but possible.

Some things are missing from this picture.

How long have you been married? 

How has your sexual relationship changed over the years or has it always been this way? 

Do you have children? 

Does he work long hours? What is his stress level like? 

How old are the two of you? Has he had his T levels checked?

Is it possible he is seeing someone else? Any red flags? 

Has sex become routine ... same way every time?

Are there other problems in your relationship?

It's difficult to speculate why without a little more information. My marriage is sexless for many reasons ... but I don't have a hot trophy wife either 

Seriously though, there are a lot of reasons that would have little to do with how "hot" you are or aren't or how "adequate" you are, especially over a long relationship.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

What does he claim the issue is?


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## Ashlee (Mar 2, 2013)

Justsomeguy- 
I really don't think he is gay. We've been married 10 years, he's 36 I'm 31. No children. He is not happy with his appearance. He works a lot of long hours and is stressful. But he certainly has time to stay up and txt his coworkers. We sleep in separate bedrooms because he kicks & snores. but we lay in my bed to watch tv till he falls asleep. However, I don't think the FBI could hack his phone. Passlock & vibrate all the time and brings it in the bathroom with him. Which has been the biggest trust issue we have. I just don't understand how he could completely spoil me get me anything I want, tell me how deeply in love his is and how I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and yet not want to have sex more than once a month or less?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Ashlee said:


> Justsomeguy-
> I really don't think he is gay. We've been married 10 years, he's 36 I'm 31. No children. He is not happy with his appearance. He works a lot of long hours and is stressful. But he certainly has time to stay up and txt his coworkers. We sleep in separate bedrooms because he kicks & snores. but we lay in my bed to watch tv till he falls asleep. However, I don't think the FBI could hack his phone. Passlock & vibrate all the time and brings it in the bathroom with him. Which has been the biggest trust issue we have. I just don't understand how he could completely spoil me get me anything I want, tell me how deeply in love his is and how I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and yet not want to have sex more than once a month or less?


Just a guess but maybe he is intimidated by you ... maybe intimidated isn't the right word ... possibly he doesn't feel he measures up based on his view of his own appearance. You are this beautiful, fit trophy wife and he doesn't feel good about himself. That may also be a reason why he showers you with compliments and gets you anything you want. Part of that is stress and an unbalanced life, I'm sure (texting/emailing coworkers is still work). You sleep in separate bedrooms. The reason is completely understandable but it doesn't help with intimacy. 

I am sure that he can't believe his lucky stars when he looks at you. If he doesn't feel confident in his appearance, that may be a major reason he doesn't initiate. Maybe he turned down oral sex because he felt like he needed to reciprocate and didn't want to for the same reason he doesn't initiate ... or maybe he just had a lot going through his mind (work related, etc.) at that moment. Just putting a theory out there.

I am sure there are times when you feel kind of gross and wouldn't want to have sex. I am sure everyone has those moments. Maybe you've been outside all day and feel like you might need to take a shower before considering sex. Maybe you have a cold and a runny nose. Maybe you woke up with bad morning breath ... who knows, everybody feels like that every once in awhile for various reasons. Maybe he feels like that a LOT because he doesn't feel good about his appearance.

EDIT: Many years ago I was becoming increasingly unhappy with our sex life. She is LD but it became so infrequent it was REALLY becoming a problem. I started going to the gym and have since for years. I completely transformed myself. I am very fit. Thing is ... instead of her finding me more desirable, we actually had sex less frequently. Her increasingly flattering comments about how I look did not translate into more sex. She is morbidly obese and has always had a problem with her appearance. Unfortunately I do too after she reached a certain point in her weight but I haven't let her know. The point is that she felt less confident with herself after seeing my transformation.

The GOOD news is that he can do something about his appearance. Getting to the gym on a regular basis relieves stress from an unbalanced life and it is amazing how much better you feel about how you look in a relatively short period of time with consistent effort. If it's something else ... bad teeth, thinning hair, whatever ... those things can be improved on. He can change how he feels about his appearance.

I wish you the best of luck.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

When you where first married did you both have lots of sex?
You say your husband has his phone always locked and its always with him.


Does he show you any signs of affection.
He spends a lot of time at work.
It sounds like he might be having a EA.

You need to do some checking on him.
It sounds like he is cheating with another 
female.

If you find out hes not cheating,you need to 
make it perfectly clear,you need lovemaking from him
and you can't live in a marriage this way.
Tell him he has a hot babe,but when he
rejects you you don't feel hot anymore.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He's either Gay, having an affair, has a porn problem or low testosterone.
I'm guessing affair due to the locked phone etc.

If you don't shock him by giving an ultimatum and show him you are prepared to leave. Nothing will ever change. 
You deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Guarding his phone the way he does sounds sketchy. I honestly thought gay also.
Tell him you want to schedule a appointment with a therapist. Confront him there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Guarding the phone the way he does - RED FLAG
Texting "co-workers" all night - RED FLAG
Long hours - RED FLAG

How long ago did all this start?

Was you sex life more frequent before?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The question about how were things before is a big one. If he was all over you and then suddenly stopped, then that is another RED FLAG.

Based on the locked and busy and private phone, I would guess he is cheating. 

If he was never into sex before, then who knows. Could be cheating with a guy?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Might he be having erection problems and doesn't want to admit it to you?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

I have a question for JustSomeGuy: When reading this, I wanted to ask (from a guy's perspective): How come you don't have this conversation with your wife? I DO realize it is a VERY difficult topic to discuss and it would need to be done very delicately, but do you feel you are doing your wife a disservice by not telling her how you really feel? I imagine if I was viewed as unattractive to my husband, that I would want to know (in a weird kinda way). 

Ultimately the decision is hers to make a change, but if she doesn't think it bothers you, she is more accepting of not changing. Why do men not express their innermost attraction feelings to their woman? Are men ever really honest with the flaws of their partners or are they just afraid of cutting off the hand that feeds them? 

I hope I did not insult you or pry by asking this question.


*She is morbidly obese and has always had a problem with her appearance. Unfortunately I do too after she reached a certain point in her weight but I haven't let her know. The point is that she felt less confident with herself after seeing my transformation.*


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> I have a question for JustSomeGuy: When reading this, I wanted to ask (from a guy's perspective): How come you don't have this conversation with your wife? I DO realize it is a VERY difficult topic to discuss and it would need to be done very delicately, but do you feel you are doing your wife a disservice by not telling her how you really feel? I imagine if I was viewed as unattractive to my husband, that I would want to know (in a weird kinda way).
> 
> Ultimately the decision is hers to make a change, but if she doesn't think it bothers you, she is more accepting of not changing. Why do men not express their innermost attraction feelings to their woman? Are men ever really honest with the flaws of their partners or are they just afraid of cutting off the hand that feeds them?
> 
> ...


Don't want to threadjack but the short answer is if I am honest it is because I'm afraid. She has struggled with depression her entire life and there are times when she completely falls apart. It is a nightmare sometimes. We have a number of problems with our marriage so I focus on those instead of taking the risk that this one thing will cause her to melt down completely. She is finally at a place where she is comfortable with herself and I think me telling her that will be a dealbreaker ... with the end result being that I become a part-time father to my children. I am so involved in my children's lives and I have such a special relationship with them that I can't seem to force myself to take that risk. We separated once for 13 months after a 2 year meltdown on her part. I wasn't nearly as upset about the end of our relationship as I was about leaving my children's daily lives. That broke my heart.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> The question about how were things before is a big one. If he was all over you and then suddenly stopped, then that is another RED FLAG.
> 
> Based on the locked and busy and private phone, I would guess he is cheating.
> 
> If he was never into sex before, then who knows. Could be cheating with a guy?


I personally am not of the mindset that if he has a hot wife and he doesn't want to have sex with her all the time then he must be gay. Maybe if you are in your early twenties that might be a reasonable theory but not at 36 with busy lives. That and you don't know what their relationship is really like or what she is really like. Hot or not, if there is no connection then things will slow down after a long relationship.

I wasn't going to go there with the phone. I'm in information technology and LIVE with my phone. Almost addicted to it. Yes, it is password protected. Yes, I take it everywhere, including the bathroom. I always have it on me. Yes, I get texts, emails and phone calls in the evening, early morning and weekends. I get automated alerts sent as texts if there are any system problems, sometimes in the middle of the night. I have nothing to hide and if my wife was concerned I would give her the phone and let her look all she wants.

That said, it is a red flag ... something to check on but not necessarily something you should base assumptions on.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

who turns down a free oral offer?


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Bringing his phone to the bathroom and locking it is a HUGE Red flag! EA or PA..... Start digging..


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

ATC529R said:


> who turns down a free oral offer?


Seriously!!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I personally am not of the mindset that if he has a hot wife and he doesn't want to have sex with her all the time then he must be gay.


:iagree: People, seriously?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Ashlee said:


> Justsomeguy-
> I really don't think he is gay. We've been married 10 years, he's 36 I'm 31. No children. He is not happy with his appearance. He works a lot of long hours and is stressful. But he certainly has time to stay up and txt his coworkers. We sleep in separate bedrooms because he kicks & snores. but we lay in my bed to watch tv till he falls asleep. However, I don't think the FBI could hack his phone. Passlock & vibrate all the time and brings it in the bathroom with him. Which has been the biggest trust issue we have. I just don't understand how he could completely spoil me get me anything I want, tell me how deeply in love his is and how I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and yet not want to have sex more than once a month or less?


What was his sex drive like before you got married? If he's always been LD, you might have your answer.

You mentioned that he's not happy with his appearance, so perhaps that's an issue; he might be embarrassed to have sex with you. I'm the same way with my wife, but it hasn't had a negative affect on my drive. I'm still as horny as ever, but just keep my shirt on.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I am 50 years old. Only turned down sex once in my life. 

Just trying to think of a reason I would turn down sex! Got nothing!

I think the only reason is if I was being faithful to someone else.

Todd


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ashlee said:


> Hello This Is is my first post here. I can't take it anymore. My husband repeatedly tells me I'm so beautiful and hot multiple times everyday! He says he is infatuated with me. To the point it's really annoying... Because he never initiates sex or he avoids it all together. I'm the trophy wife for him. It's an inside joke at his work that he bought me. (Of course this is not true). *I have made myself into the type he likes*, go to gym everyday, breast implants, dye hair blonde, etc. so why does our sex life barely stay alive? we go from once every 3 to 6 weeks. Sorry for ranting. My self esteem have taken a nose dive and I feel so rejected and inadequate. He even turned down oral sex last week. Does anyone have any insight for me? I also suspect he has changed into some type of domination tendencies by little things he does.:scratchhead:


This may be part of the problem. TBH I think it is weak and unattractive to change yourself so dramatically for someone else. While on the outside you may be attractive, on the inside you have low self esteem to have allowed him to mould you.

It almost sounds like he got what he wanted, you turned yourself into what he thought he wanted, when he got you he realised that you weren't what he wanted after all.

Beauty is skin deep as they say. Weakness of character could well be a turn off.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Holland said:


> This may be part of the problem. TBH I think it is weak and unattractive to change yourself so dramatically for someone else. While on the outside you may be attractive, on the inside you have low self esteem to have allowed him to mould you.
> 
> It almost sounds like he got what he wanted, you turned yourself into what he thought he wanted, when he got you he realised that you weren't what he wanted after all.
> 
> Beauty is skin deep as they say. Weakness of character could well be a turn off.


I was thinking along similar lines.

First off, I'm anti-implant, unless it's actually necessary in the case of breast cancer or some other health issue. 

If I married someone and she changed her physical appearance in the same manner as the OP, I would probably have lost interest / believed her to be cheating.

The husbands behavior does seem suspect, but I wouldn't be so quick to announce it as cheating.. maybe you need to do some recon.


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