# All Mixed Up



## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

I've been married for almost 21 years to my best friend. I've thought we were soul mates. I've had two D days in that time. Once just over 3 years ago and once 2 months ago. The one 3 years ago was a shocker. The one 2 months ago has me questioning my entire marriage and sanity. A brief history: My husband and I were both previously married and yes our relationship was initially based on rebound and sex. We we friends during our first marriages. We raised our kids from the previous marriages together. The relationship between me and his XW has been hateful because she wanted to get back with him. She destroyed any chance of me being a real step mother to their child. After being married 10 years, his job required him to work out of town ALOT. Being a trusting person, I took care of the Homefront and have my own career. Three years ago, something felt different between us, and at a time when he was not working out of town. I became suspicious, did some tracking, and caught him with another woman. Apparently they had been friends for years... and she was in a bad place emotionally - _poor thing_. He claims it was just sex but I don't believe that. He was apologetic yet somewhat emotionless. Anyway, I did not handle it well. I made it my purpose to win him back. (Which I now realize was an incredibly stupid thing to do.) I kept thinking about all the history we had, all the plans we had made for the future, and my love for him. It took me about two years to actually forgive him. I never started completely trusting him. About a year and a half after D Day #1, he had to start working out of town again. Of course I had the fear that he might cheat again. But at some point you have to _try_ to trust and his out of town job paid really well. My in town job pays well and is needed to pay bills, so my going with him was not an option. About 6 months ago, his father became ill and needed daily care. My husband coincidentally was offered a good job close to home and he took it. I was so excited that we could actually have a normal life again! So D day #2 was 7 weeks ago to this day. This was a double whammy! I was actually getting pretty close to full trust again. Then - I was contacted on facebook messenger by a woman who he has been seeing while out of town for a year and a half. She sent me screen shots of text messages between the two of them and gave me the whole timeline of their relationship. Technically they were only physically together for a few months, but apparently he flew her to visit him when he was working in other parts of the country. I was never able to visit him because we have a lot of home responsibilities to take take of (i.e. pets, farm, etc.) I confronted him, by texting him a photo that the OW sent me of the two of them together. He came straight home and he admitted everything. He said it was just sex. He has a high sex drive. bla. bla. bla. According to him, she is like the fatal attraction woman and he hasn't been able to successfully break things off from her. She kept re connecting with him, threatening suicide, etc. SHE did not know he was married. She thought his only marriage was to his previous wife over 20 years ago. Now here is the kicker. Remember the OW didn't know about me, but she has apparently been facebook stalking my husbands ex wife for quite awhile. A week before D day, my husband's father passed away and My husbands XW posted funeral pictures on facebook that showed herself with my husband (I was extremely angry about her presence at funeral but that's another issue). The OW saw the pictures and contacted the XW. The XW told the OW about me. So I was bombarded with tons of texts and screenshots. When my husband confessed about the OW, I just threw out the question - what about your XW? He admitted he had been booty calling her during this period that his dad was ill. SHOCK. I immediately told him I wanted a divorce. However, I felt bad for him because his dad just died. He was very apologetic and regretful. He wants for things to work between us. I can somewhat see how an out of town affair could begin since we have been apart so much (although I have been completely faithful since we married). He claims he doesn't want his XW, and claims everything was just for sex. I find this hard to believe and it has me questioning a lot of things from the past 20 years. The hardest part is the XW. She is very attractive and successful, but is also very narcissistic. So my question is this - WHY AM I EVEN CONSIDERING GIVING THINGS A SECOND CHANCE? I want things to work out - but I also want to be done because I don't see how I can ever forgive.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you hate yourself enough to be married to such a two/three timing loser than I guess you just hate yourself that much.

You would be insane to believe he is capable of any type of fidelity.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

LibraOne said:


> I made it my purpose to win him back. (Which I now realize was an incredibly stupid thing to do.)


You answered your own question. Lesson learned. Don't repeat a mistake.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’ve never said this to anyone on tam but you are an idiot if you stay in this sham of a marriage one minute longer. 
In fact I think you need to seriously consider whether you’re suffering from ptsd from his previous affairs. Your behaviour is not that of someone who’s thinking clearly.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> If you hate yourself enough to be married to such a two/three timing loser than I guess you just hate yourself that much.
> 
> You would be insane to believe he is capable of any type of fidelity.


I don't hate myself. Up to this point I was relatively self-confident.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> I’ve never said this to anyone on tam but you are an idiot if you stay in this sham of a marriage one minute longer.
> In fact I think you need to seriously consider whether you’re suffering from ptsd from his previous affairs. Your behaviour is not that of someone who’s thinking clearly.


I am actually trying to find a therapist. I know my thinking isn't rational and I can see the facts in front of me, but I cannot help what I feel. That's why I'm asking for input.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LibraOne said:


> I don't hate myself. Up to this point I was relatively self-confident.


You husband is a piece of trash. Odds are if you dig deeper you will keep finding more infidelity. Unfortunately love can blind you, but your eyes are open now. It will take time, but you will get over him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You‘d be giving him a THIRD chance. Even I didn’t do that so, yeah, I’m very surprised you’re considering it. Listen to your brain — it won’t lead you in the wrong direction the way your heart will. I was married to a serial cheater more than twice as long as you’ve been married to him. They don’t change. They will break every promise that they make because THEY.DON’T.CHANGE.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LibraOne said:


> I am actually trying to find a therapist. I know my thinking isn't rational and I can see the facts in front of me, but I cannot help what I feel. That's why I'm asking for input.


Feelings lie. He has cheated with at least three women yet you STILL want to be with a liar and a cheat????
I just don't get it. The trust must be gone completely now so there really is no marriage left.

Not sure how you think counselling will help. What WILL help is showing him that he can't treat you so badly and to stop enabling his behaviour. 

I can sort of understand you trying again after one affair, but three? When will you learn? He isn't going to suddenly become Mr Faithful moral man. Nope, that boat had sailed.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

wait, so just to clarify--- he was having an affair with the out-of-town woman AND he was sleeping with the ex-wife? 

Or he was jut calling the ex-wife?


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> You‘d be giving him a THIRD chance. Even I didn’t do that so, yeah, I’m very surprised you’re considering it. Listen to your brain — it won’t lead you in the wrong direction the way your heart will. I was married to a serial cheater more than twice as long as you’ve been married to him. They don’t change. They will break every promise that they make because THEY.DON’T.CHANGE.


I do listen to my brain, then the heart jumps in. What I need to do keeps flipping back and forth between stay or leave multiple times a day.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

LibraOne said:


> I am actually trying to find a therapist. I know my thinking isn't rational and I can see the facts in front of me, but I cannot help what I feel. That's why I'm asking for input.


You have to understand this if nothing else.
You only know about the women he got caught with. He was working away from home for YEARS. How many more women has he cheated with?


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> wait, so just to clarify--- he was having an affair with the out-of-town woman AND he was sleeping with the ex-wife?
> 
> Or he was jut calling the ex-wife?


There was an out of town woman. When he ended that, he actually contacted his ex to warn her that this "crazy" woman was watching her FB page. It's apparently at this time that he rekindled it with the ex. I suspect he has probably been with the ex throughout the years, but he denies that and I have no proof.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> You have to understand this if nothing else.
> You only know about the women he got caught with. He was working away from home for YEARS. How many more women has he cheated with?


I know. That is my fear. He denies that there are others, but I don't expect him to be honest about something that will only hurt his case. I'm trying to not be ruled by an overactive imagination - which is difficult.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LibraOne said:


> I know. That is my fear. He denies that there are others, but I don't expect him to be honest about something that will only hurt his case. I'm trying to not be ruled by an overactive imagination - which is difficult.


Set up a lie detector test. However isn't the 3 you know about enough? How many more does it have to be before you see sense? You see he has no reason to stop because he knows that you will have him back.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I get the feeling this is basically a lifestyle choice for him. You are probably only aware of the tip of the iceberg. 

If all of these other women are “just for sex”, then you need to be asking what your role is with him as he seems to compartmentalize quite a bit. If these other women are for sex, Does that mean you are for housekeeping and child rearing and help with the bills?? 

It sounds to me like this is who he is and what he does. 

You have a couple basic choices and each comes with their own costs and rewards. 

One is you can divorce him and go out and live your own life and do whatever you want. You can pursue hobbies, take up political or social causes, date and maybe even find someone that is more relationship material. 

Or you can stay... but with the understanding that he is not someone that is monogamous with just one woman and that he will probably always seek something on the side when it suits him. 

Obviously tears and anger and threats and promises etc haven’t worked in the past, so I doubt any of that stuff will mean much now either. 

There’s really no such thing as a character transplant so you’re kind of at a take it or leave point. 

It kinda boils down to your own wants and values and mores. What do you value more? Fidelity and faithfulness etc? Or someone that makes a good income and pays the bills and can keep the kids under one roof, but with the knowledge you won’t always know where his penis is.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Set up a lie detector test. However isn't the 3 you know about enough? How many more does it have to be before you see sense? You see he has no reason to stop because he knows that you will have him back.



Yeah I would say if 3 other women is acceptable but 4 isn’t, then you should probably have him do a polygraph.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah I would say if 3 other women is acceptable but 4 isn’t, then you should probably have him do a polygraph.


Honestly, I would say that 0 is acceptable, but the XW is completely over the top. That is what hurts the most. I think that deep inside I still can't believe it, even though I know it's absolutely true. I'm wondering if he has a sexual addiction issue, because no matter how much we had, it was never enough for him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LibraOne said:


> I do listen to my brain, then the heart jumps in. What I need to do keeps flipping back and forth between stay or leave multiple times a day.


I wasted 45 years before I got out because I let my heart override my brain too often. My husband never changed and yours isn’t likely to either. Serial cheaters are not like ordinary cheaters. They don’t “learn their lesson” and they don’t want a divorce. You’re very likely in for a lifetime of that if you stay.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I wasted 45 years before I got out because I let my heart override my brain too often. My husband never changed and yours isn’t likely to either. Serial cheaters are not like ordinary cheaters. They don’t “learn their lesson” and they don’t want a divorce. You’re very likely in for a lifetime of that if you stay.


How did you get the courage to actually leave? I've always felt I was a strong person who could get through anything. Right now I don't know where that strength is. Did you still have an emotional connection to your husband at that time?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He might have been your soul mate but you’re not his — not sexually anyway. When your heart says stay remind yourself that you’re not enough for him sexually and never have been. That’s not your fault — that’s just who he is — but it’s reality. He’s going to promise you the moon and the stars if you stay (my husband did too) and he might even mean that in the moment but the odds he will keep those promises long-term are close to zero. The problem lies with him. There may be a very, very small percentage of serial cheaters who reform but almost all don’t because of the validation they get from cheating that’s so important to them. My husband had family of origin issues that he never dealt with, despite all the discussions we had over those decades. He was very successful, with many gifts, but it was never enough for him. Attention from other women temporarily helped with those issues. You can’t help people like that. I know that well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LibraOne said:


> Honestly, I would say that 0 is acceptable, but the XW is completely over the top. That is what hurts the most. I think that deep inside I still can't believe it, even though I know it's absolutely true. I'm wondering if he has a sexual addiction issue, because no matter how much we had, it was never enough for him.


The sex addiction issue isn't relevant. He choose to cheat countless times. He really isn't repentant and has faced no consequences.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LibraOne said:


> How did you get the courage to actually leave? I've always felt I was a strong person who could get through anything. Right now I don't know where that strength is. Did you still have an emotional connection to your husband at that time?


So many of us have have ended our marriages for different reasons. It's not easy but far preferable to living with a liar, a deceiver and a serial cheat.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LibraOne said:


> How did you get the courage to actually leave? I've always felt I was a strong person who could get through anything. Right now I don't know where that strength is. Did you still have an emotional connection to your husband at that time?


I think my exH cheated the entire time we were married (his career required a lot of travel) but the first time I was aware of it was when we were in our mid-30’s. I was shocked beyond belief. I literally couldn’t comprehend it since he appeared to be the least likely man on the planet to cheat. But you never really know someone as well as you think. I reconciled because he promised nothing like that would ever happen again and I believed him. Foolish me. Many years went by before I caught him again but in retrospect I don’t think he ever stopped. The difference was that time I was really done. He fought the divorce but immediately began online dating (finally dumped the gf) and married his new gf, that he had only known a few months, the moment the divorce was final. I forgave him once but I couldn’t do it twice. I would have hated myself more than I loved him if I had stayed again.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> The sex addiction issue isn't relevant. He choose to cheat countless times. He really isn't repentant and has faced no consequences.


Truth. Until now.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I think my exH cheated the entire time we were married (his career required a lot of travel) but the first time I was aware of it was when we were in our mid-30’s. I was shocked beyond belief. I literally couldn’t comprehend it since he appeared to be the least likely man on the planet to cheat. But you never really know someone as well as you think. I reconciled because he promised nothing like that would ever happen again and I believed him. Foolish me. Many years went by before I caught him again but in retrospect I don’t think he ever stopped. The difference was that time I was really done. He fought the divorce but immediately began online dating (finally dumped the gf) and married his new gf, that he had only known a few months, the moment the divorce was final. I forgave him once but I couldn’t do it twice. I would have hated myself more than I loved him if I had stayed again.


Thank you for your perspective. I'm sorry. Catching them is a problem because they get smarter each time (I was unfortunately married to a repeat cheater for 12 years before this one). It was hard to break free from that one and I had little kids at the time. I'm disgusted with myself that I've had my head buried in the sand and have let it happen again but even worse. I almost wonder if he wants me to set him free and he's only going through the motions right now because it would be expected.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LibraOne said:


> I'm wondering if he has a sexual addiction issue, because no matter how much we had, it was never enough for him.


Sexual addiction is not recognized as an actual addiction by the DSM-5.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

LibraOne said:


> I am actually trying to find a therapist. I know my thinking isn't rational and I can see the facts in front of me, but I cannot help what I feel. That's why I'm asking for input.


Please, please get into therapy as soon as possible. Your husband's behavior is 100% on him and is not a reflection of yourself or your own worth. Until you fully believe that, you will be stuck in a toxic cycle with this man. He is a serial cheater and will always be on the hunt for a better way to hind his behavior. He is also exploiting your threshold for empathy by blaming the death of his father for his behavior with the XW. Life is always going to have ups and downs and you shouldn't worry about what he will do to cope with those things.

He does sound like he is addicted to sex and has impulse control issues. This is also something he can work on but I believe people facing addiction have to experience "losing it all" before they get a grip and seek out help. You deserve to have your basic needs met and he is breaking your trust on a regular basis.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LibraOne said:


> Thank you for your perspective. I'm sorry. Catching them is a problem because they get smarter each time (I was unfortunately married to a repeat cheater for 12 years before this one). It was hard to break free from that one and I had little kids at the time. I'm disgusted with myself that I've had my head buried in the sand and have let it happen again but even worse. I almost wonder if he wants me to set him free and he's only going through the motions right now because it would be expected.


Yes, they do get better at covering it up. I was disgusted with myself as well the second time I caught him (who knows how many times I didn’t catch him) because I really, really didn’t think he would be stupid enough to risk our marriage again — but he did. No, I don’t think your husband actually wants out any more than my husband did. Serial cheaters rarely are looking for another marriage. The one they have works in many ways but it still doesn’t stop them from cheating because, unfortunately, they are damaged people who are not marriage material. I’ve never known a serial cheater to reform.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

moulinyx said:


> Please, please get into therapy as soon as possible. Your husband's behavior is 100% on him and is not a reflection of yourself or your own worth. Until you fully believe that, you will be stuck in a toxic cycle with this man. He is a serial cheater and will always be on the hunt for a better way to hind his behavior. He is also exploiting your threshold for empathy by blaming the death of his father for his behavior with the XW. Life is always going to have ups and downs and you shouldn't worry about what he will do to cope with those things.
> 
> He does sound like he is addicted to sex and has impulse control issues. This is also something he can work on but I believe people facing addiction have to experience "losing it all" before they get a grip and seek out help. You deserve to have your basic needs met and he is breaking your trust on a regular basis.


Thank you. I've done a lot of self help and co-dependency reading the last few weeks. I feel like I have been an enabler. There is also an alcohol issue, but I don't think this type of cheating can be blamed on alcohol so I hadn't mentioned that.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

LibraOne said:


> Thank you. I've done a lot of self help and co-dependency reading the last few weeks. I feel like I have been an enabler. There is also an alcohol issue, but I don't think this type of cheating can be blamed on alcohol so I hadn't mentioned that.


Books aren't the same as speaking to a therapist. Verbalizing these things to a professional will feel like a physical weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You may be empathetic to a fault since you are able to understand why your husband keeps doing the same things over and over. Understanding someone's nature is totally separate from deciding if you are going to allow this behavior to continue. I agree it is great to understand the why and it is a great way to move on. However, regardless of why he does something it is still up to you to choose to honor your own values and protect yourself as an individual. You deserve someone who will guard your heart and not fall back on a smokescreen of excuses/new lies.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


LibraOne said:



Anyway, I did not handle it well. I made it my purpose to win him back. (Which I now realize was an incredibly stupid thing to do.)

Click to expand...

*Yup, it sure was.

*



Of course I had the fear that he might cheat again. But at some point you have to try to trust...

Click to expand...

*Why would you? Anyone who has ALREADY shown you how easily he can **** all over you day after day after day really can't ever be trusted again. But I see you're finding that out.

*



So D day #2 was 7 weeks ago to this day. This was a double whammy! I was actually getting pretty close to full trust again. Then - I was contacted on facebook messenger by a woman who he has been seeing while out of town for a year and a half.

Click to expand...

 *
I gotta tell you - you married a real scumbag. A complete and total scumbag. He's a low-life serial cheater who is ALWAYS going to be cheating on you. Always.

Your marriage is like the movie Groundhog Day. Mr. Wonderful goes out and gets himself a girlfriend, LIES to your face day after day after day after day until you eventually find out, he's forced to "confess" (a/k/a lie and minimize everything to you) and you choose to eat the giant ***** sandwich* he's served up to you. And that's because he's _such_ a prize that having him in your life - any way you can have him - is preferable to throwing him back into the cesspool he crawled out of.

And then 3 years later, you catch him *again**.* Now it's wash, rinse repeat, isn't it? He's once again lied to your face day after day after day after day after day until SOMEONE decided to be honest with you (certainly not the POS who was lying to you) and told you the truth of what he was up to.

*Again.

And you're actually contemplating trusting this lying serial cheater AGAIN.*

One final thought - these are only the two affairs you KNOW about. Do you *honestly* think that there haven't been any others, and that you have *magically* and *serendipitously* found out about the ONLY "two" times he's ever cheated on you? Don't be naive.

Never forget - for every rat you DO see, there are 50 you don't!

*



I can somewhat see how an out of town affair could begin since we have been apart so much (although I have been completely faithful since we married).

Click to expand...

*Is *that *the fairy tale you keep telling yourself in order to stay with him?

*



WHY AM I EVEN CONSIDERING GIVING THINGS A SECOND CHANCE? I want things to work out - but I also want to be done because I don't see how I can ever forgive.

Click to expand...

*It's not a "second" chance you'd be giving your low-life serial cheater. It would be a THIRD chance. He already BLEW the second chance you gave him 3 years ago.

Please, just find your damned dignity, OP. Find your dignity.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


LibraOne said:



I feel like I have been an enabler. There is also an alcohol issue, but I don't think this type of cheating can be blamed on alcohol so I hadn't mentioned that.

Click to expand...

*Whether he drinks or not, he's ALWAYS going to cheat on you. Booze is not the reason, nor is your other excuse about him working so far from home and you two not being able to spend time together.

He's a *SERIAL* cheater. That's what he is. You know what he's going to be in 5 years? A *SERIAL *cheater.

They don't stop cheating because you want them to, or because you cry, or because you beg them to, or because you threaten to divorce them, or because you kick them out of the house for the weekend, or because you drag them to some $250 an hour therapist. Serial cheaters rarely get reformed and are considered HIGH RISK.

Serial cheaters will *ALWAYS* cheat on you. And you married yourself a serial cheater.

The only thing getting caught does for these SOBs is teach them what NOT to do next time so they can hopefully avoid getting caught again.

If you honestly think this is the LAST time he'll cheat (if you make the unwise decision to stay with him) then I have some lovely oceanfront property in Colorado I'd love to sell you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sex addiction? Booze? Come on. Stop making excuses for your serial cheating husband. He is trash. And he is definitely not your best friend or soulmate. To use the death of his dad as an opportunity to bang his ex, is disgusting.

I would bet my next mortgage payment that there have been other women, besides the three that you know of. When you think about it, he is putting your health at risk because you know he’s not using protection.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Thanks for all the input. It's the stuff I really needed to hear.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

moulinyx said:


> Please, please get into therapy as soon as possible. Your husband's behavior is 100% on him and is not a reflection of yourself or your own worth. Until you fully believe that, you will be stuck in a toxic cycle with this man. He is a serial cheater and will always be on the hunt for a better way to hind his behavior. He is also exploiting your threshold for empathy by blaming the death of his father for his behavior with the XW. Life is always going to have ups and downs and you shouldn't worry about what he will do to cope with those things.
> 
> He does sound like he is addicted to sex and has impulse control issues.


I agree with your first paragraph.

But seriously question that his behavior is addictive and compulsive.

These women’s vaginas weren’t just laying unattended on the ground and he didn’t have the fortitude to walk on by.

These relationships that she is aware of took place over months and show a strong degree of forethought and intent. 

Unless a guy is a pro athlete or celebrity or heterosexual male model, women’s vaginas aren’t simply laying around on the ground for the next passerby to pick them up.
It takes a good degree of work and effort for a man to maintain maintain multiple relationships.


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I agree with your first paragraph.
> 
> But seriously question that his behavior is addictive and compulsive.
> 
> ...


Yes. I imagine it would take a great deal of effort to maintain it. In fact, he told me that he was relieved that the truth was finally out. I just wish I had known sooner.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I agree with your first paragraph.
> 
> But seriously question that his behavior is addictive and compulsive.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with you. He is prowling around pursing these women. I highly doubt he’s over here beating women down with a bat. I’d bet my life savings on him being the initiator. By impulse control I mean he literally cannot/will not stop seeking out new women. But I have doubts that he has the willpower to curb that impulse and suddenly be a one woman kind of guy. That fact makes me sad for OP.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

LibraOne said:


> Honestly, I would say that 0 is acceptable, but the XW is completely over the top. That is what hurts the most. I think that deep inside I still can't believe it, even though I know it's absolutely true. I'm wondering if he has a sexual addiction issue, because no matter how much we had, it was never enough for him.


You are trying to find excuses for him. Here is the bottom line - HE CHEATED. NO excuse. If it wasn't enough for him, he should have divorced you and moved on.
This is 100% on HIM, not you. Nothing you did forced him to cheat.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LibraOne said:


> Honestly, I would say that 0 is acceptable, but the XW is completely over the top. That is what hurts the most. I think that deep inside I still can't believe it, even though I know it's absolutely true. I'm wondering if he has a sexual addiction issue, because no matter how much we had, it was never enough for him.


You should not care about the following:
How many he has been with.
If it was “just about sex”.
If he has a sex addiction.
If his dad just died. (Didn’t stop him from banging other women, huh?)
If he’s sorry.
Why he did this.

You should just divorce the serial cheater that he is and move on. Do you actually consider him stopping the cheating as a possibility?


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## LibraOne (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> You should not care about the following:
> How many he has been with.
> If it was “just about sex”.
> If he has a sex addiction.
> ...


You are absolutely right about then things I should not care about. 

We live in a very rural area on 25 acres. When I found out about the out of town affair and the affair with the XW, I made him move out of the house. He is currently living on our property, but in the camper that he took out of town with him. This is allowing me to have some space to think. Honestly, right now I am ok with this living arrangement.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LibraOne said:


> I've been married for almost 21 years to my best friend.


No, you have not. Not at all.

Your marriage has been just like your friendship to him: a mirage, a figment of your imagination which just now is starting to dissipate. 

You are letting fears, lack of self respect, dignity, and the clouds in your head to keep you still where you are, spinning your head every whichway trying desperately to find a way to make all dissappear. 

You know reality has been knocking at your door, but you've been dragging your feet to answer the knocking. 
In the end it will be just you not opening that door and stay there in groundhog day forever, or openening that door and step out to reality. The reality that a new life is on your way without the dead anchor that's dragging you down right now. 

Grab a cup of courage and step out that door. You know that's the right thing to do, or forever hold your head down shackled in shame to your "best friend ".


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LibraOne said:


> Thank you. I've done a lot of self help and co-dependency reading the last few weeks. I feel like I have been an enabler. There is also an alcohol issue, but I don't think this type of cheating can be blamed on alcohol so I hadn't mentioned that.


Ugh. Please get free of this “person”


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

LibraOne said:


> I'm wondering if he has a sexual addiction issue, because no matter how much we had, it was never enough for him.


I guess I have a sex addition, but it doesn't cause me to cheat.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

jsmart said:


> I would bet my next mortgage payment that there have been other women, besides the three that you know of.


Are you suggesting that her husband will lie?

<sarcasm>


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sfort said:


> Are you suggesting that her husband will lie?
> 
> <sarcasm>


Ha, Why no. What are you implying @Sfort .

Her WH is an upstanding guy and a straight shooter. Who is she going to believe, her WH or her lying eyes.


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