# Disclosing to a date



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

It made me very sad when I read your post on the other thread.

Out of all the things that one might have to sacrifice in a relationship, I'd think that accommodating allergies would be the least a person could do.

Personally, I love shellfish, yet I'd have no problem not eating it around you, cause there are tons of opportunities to eat what we like on our own.

It seems like the man who objected was extremely selfish.

I just can't imagine being pissed off about something so easily dealt with.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Seems reasonable to disclose.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This should NOT be a problem _whatsoever_ for any reasonable man. You just had the bad luck of dating someone very selfish (I carefully did not use the old pun!) and inconsiderate. Don't hesitate to disclose this on an early date (before you dine out together), as it is too important to your health and safety.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> This should NOT be a problem _whatsoever_ for any reasonable man. You just had the bad luck of dating someone very selfish (I carefully did not use the old pun!) and inconsiderate. Don't hesitate to disclose this on an early date (before you dine out together), as it is too important to your health and safety.


Thank you!

I meant disclose so he could decide whether or not to date me at all, because it's a pain in the ass and he might feel it's a deal breaker even before we meet, though, not to keep me safe from anaphylaxis!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

minimalME said:


> It made me very sad when I read your post on the other thread.
> 
> Out of all the things that one might have to sacrifice in a relationship, I'd think that accommodating allergies would be the least a person could do.
> 
> ...


Thank you for you thoughts.

I'm wary of having a repeat performance from someone new, with this being a constant issue for them they find annoying. The ex ordered it nearly every time we went out to eat and was really perturbed at having to not to get it on my plate from his. Yes it makes me feel badly that it was even an issue!


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I met an old friend for dinner last year and I had order shrimp scampi; after the waiter walk away he said he was very allergic to shellfish. I got up and changed my order. Why Wouldn’t I. 

your past experience is just a WTF.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

He sounds awful. 😳



Livvie said:


> The ex ordered it nearly every time we went out to eat


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> I met an old friend for dinner last year and I had order shrimp scampi; after the waiter walk away he said he was very allergic to shellfish. I got up and changed my order. Why Wouldn’t I.
> 
> your past experience is just a WTF.


Wow, that was nice of you!!!

I just looked it up, approximately 7 million Americans are allergic to shellfish so I guess I'm not alone in it!

I do have an EpiPen...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Is shouldn't be a dealbreaker for any reasonable person, so I'm going to say be grateful for the early warning that that guy was a jerk. If they have a problem with it, they have no empathy, and you do not need any person without empathy!

I have a weird shellfish allergy. I can't handle raw shrimp or my hands blow up, but I can eat it as long as it's cooked thoroughly no problem. Other shellfish, I mostly avoid altogether. 

You should be able to tell anyone this without it making them mad. Oh, well, how inconvenient for him! He wasn't a keeper, that's all. All about himself. Well rid of him. 

Since it's that extreme, you should probably just avoid those restaurants for the most part. You don't want a steak that has been cooked next to grilled shrimp on the grill, for example. So when you order, be sure and tell them, hey please tell the chefs to be very careful my food doesn't rub up against any shellfish on the grill because I am deathly allergic. 

I took a woman friend to my favorite restaurant and she had to really instruct the server because she's real allergic to avocados, so they should be used to it, the servers. A guy who poo-poos it, next him.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I don't know if you saw the story I posted once that my mom would keep alcohol in the house and drink every night, even though my dad was a recovering alcoholic?

Your situation with the shellfish eater reminds me of that.

The behavior is about so much more than food/drink. 

It's like, 'I'm gonna do what I want, even if it literally kills you.'


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

minimalME said:


> I don't know if you saw the story I posted once that my mom would keep alcohol in the house and drink every night, even though my dad was a recovering alcoholic?
> 
> Your situation with the shellfish eater reminds me of that.
> 
> ...


Ooh that's harsh. Your dad must have felt pretty badly about that.

It's revealing about someone's character, how they handle it. I know that, BUT I also am struggling with being thought of as a pain in the ass, even though you can't control what you are allergic to.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

You _are not_ a pain in the ass for this. Ever. 



Livvie said:


> It's revealing about someone's character, how they handle it. I know that, BUT I also am struggling with being thought of as a pain in the ass, even though you can't control what you are allergic to.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

minimalME said:


> You _are not_ a pain in the ass for this. Ever.


🙂


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I too have a shell fish allergy, though a mild one, for sure. I now ocasionally get, naught, but an upset stomach.
I have since outgrown any fearful reactions, such as hives, swollen lips, burning eyes, closed off throat and puffy hands and feet.

Irregardless, this would be an easy sacrifice to make.
..........................................................

That said:

When the dear fish in the shell ends up a lovely mermaid that joined me for supper, I would pry her from her shell and take her home to sample of, later.
And, I would wash my hands, before, during and after our joining in, such this, loving repast.
She would be this, my_ Midnight feast._

...........................................................

Health is our shield against forces aligned against us.

Keep your loved ones near and safe from danger.
All such danger, even that consumed.


_The Host, RD-_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The guy was a **** and a total waste of your time. One meal of that would have been enough. I’ve been around a couple of people with shellfish allergies and although I greatly love shrimp I had no problem passing it up when I was with them. It’s called being considerate of other people — something he clearly was not. It’s probably good to be upfront about that with new people so you can weed out anyone else like him.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I have an allergy to strawberries. Very early on I said to my now boyfriend “hey, if you’ve eaten strawberries in the last 24 hours I really need to know.” Was never a big deal. If it’s a big deal to a guy I’d wonder WTF is wrong with him that he’d rather eat strawberries than get laid. But maybe that’s just me.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Seems not only reasonable but mandatory as well. No shame in the allergy game. I’m a no peanut guy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> I too have a shell fish allergy, though a mild one, for sure. I now ocasionally get, naught, but an upset stomach.
> I have since outgrown any fearful reactions, such as hives, swollen lips, burning eyes, closed off throat and puffy hands and feet.
> 
> Irregardless, this would be an easy sacrifice to make.
> ...


Thank you for washing your hands 🙂


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Openminded said:


> The guy was a **** and a total waste of your time. One meal of that would have been enough. I’ve been around a couple of people with shellfish allergies and although I greatly love shrimp I had no problem passing it up when I was with them. It’s called being considerate of other people — something he clearly was not. It’s probably good to be upfront about that with new people so you can weed out anyone else like him.


It's a plan!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Seems not only reasonable but mandatory as well. No shame in the allergy game. I’m a no peanut guy.


So is my son, it's never been an issue and I'm happy to not have nuts in the house.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No _shellfish_, no _nuts_ need apply for any, so sweet, Mediterranean style _dates._

Yes, works for me, too ...... three, four.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I'm afraid this may be a deal breaker for other men in the future. Is my allergy enough of an issue that it's something I should disclose on or before a first date? What are your thoughts?


My take is if there is a date with a meal - let it be known so the destination can be considered appropriately. I'd be amazed if this was a deal-breaker. That other guy sounds like an idiot.

My husband doesn't like seafood (preference, not allergies), whereas my kitty-whiskers love fish, however, if I happen to be lining up a destination, I'm not going to be choosing a seafood place - based on his preferences. There's plenty of options for me on the menu elsewhere. Not that I want you to be dating my husband, but this might not even be a 'thing' for you to worry about.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Nothing is sexier than anaphylaxis. /s

Because who knows, I may have a coupon to Joe’s Crab Shack.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Nothing is sexier than anaphylaxis. /s
> 
> Because who knows, I may have a coupon to Joe’s Crab Shack.


Hah!

I see you know about that Greek lady, that Anna Phylaxsis?

She was a beauty, and would cause many a man to forget how to breathe.
She was once married to that fishing boat magnate, Ari Onassis, wasn't she?
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Returning to this subject, it should not be a big deal for anyone to reveal their allergies on the first date.

Or, even on the 10th date. People forget.

Any date who makes light (or heavy) of this can go off and eat by himself.

A shellfish allergy is basically a bad response to a protein found in that type of seafood.
This is our immune system reacting, and is the basis of many allergies.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

ok how would that work out in a married and living together relationship. I'm not catholic but I thoroughly enjoy fish friday specials. Let's say for lunch on Friday I go to my favorite place that offers two fish dishes. Fish and chips (just cod) or the seafood platter with fish shrimp and clams. Now if I eat the shrimp and clams do I have to have a shower before coming home? I would bet the fish is fried in the same oil. How does that work?
I live with two food sensitivities. (peanuts due to gallbladder and cilantro/bell peppers) And I don't find that an issue. But, no one is going into anaphylaxis over a sensitivity.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> ok how would that work out in a married and living together relationship. I'm not catholic but I thoroughly enjoy fish friday specials. Let's say for lunch on Friday I go to my favorite place that offers two fish dishes. Fish and chips (just cod) or the seafood platter with fish shrimp and clams. Now if I eat the shrimp and clams do I have to have a shower before coming home? I would bet the fish is fried in the same oil. How does that work?
> I live with two food sensitivities. (peanuts due to gallbladder and cilantro/bell peppers) And I don't find that an issue. But, no one is going into anaphylaxis over a sensitivity.


My only parameters have been-- don't put your fork that has been eating shellfish into MY plate to take a bite, and if you eat your shellfish with your hands don't try to hold my hands/touch me until you have washed them.

And, as long as I'm living on my own, and you are not my life partner, shellfish doesn't get cooked in my kitchen.

So no, no need for showering after eating it!!


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## eric_huth (Aug 20, 2017)

Livvie said:


> It's been slow here in the life after divorce section, and I also have a question. Kind of a spinoff from another thread.
> 
> I have a severe shellfish allergy. It means at a restaurant if my dining partner orders shellfish, and uses his hands to eat it, I can't hold his hands until he's washed them, and if he wants to dig into my plate he's got to use something other than the fork he's been eating his shellfish with.
> 
> ...


Where do you live that so many guys are eating shellfish...?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm not interested in disclosing my location other than to say, a very coastal state!!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

eric_huth said:


> Where do you live that so many guys are eating shellfish...?


I'm about equidistant from LA, San Francisco and Portland. 700 -800 mile range. But every place serves shrimp. Now If I want good seafood I drive in the opposite direction for 2 hours to this little shop that has it flown in fresh from Alaska. 

Trout is the local fish, but as good as it is for you (similar to salmon) I don't like it that much.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I vote yes disclose early on. Shellfish and all seafood are my favorite food. Yes I am a jerk - I would not give up just to date/be with someone. It would be fine if they don't like it but to be allergic and I can't eat or prepare it ? A for sure no for me. I would say sorry - we aren't going to be compatible and best of luck.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

2&out said:


> I vote yes disclose early on. Shellfish and all seafood are my favorite food. Yes I am a jerk - I would not give up just to date/be with someone. It would be fine if they don't like it but to be allergic and I can't eat or prepare it ? A for sure no for me. I would say sorry - we aren't going to be compatible and best of luck.


I never said my partners don't eat shellfish in front of me. I said I don't want someone to put a fork that has been eating their shellfish into _MY plate_, and to wash hands if hands were used to eat the shellfish, before touching me. 

And that I'm not interested in someone cooking shellfish in MY kitchen in MY house, if I am a single woman living by herself.

I don't think those things are that constraining (keeping your shellfish fork out of my food and washing your hands if you used them to eat it) but I guess to some people like you they are. 

Also if you don't live with me, I'm not sure not cooking shellfish in _my kitchen_ is that huge a deal, either but whatever.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I eat this stuff at least 3 or 4 times a week. I don't eat off of other peoples plates (personally I think it is rude) so that part isn't an issue but modifying my diet to date isn't happening. I'm the same way with non meat eaters. Our lives just aren't going to mesh. I don't disparage these people at all - they just aren't similar to me which is fine - no issue. I see no reason to not just move on to someone more similar in habits/lifestyle as me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

2&out said:


> I eat this stuff at least 3 or 4 times a week. I don't eat off of other peoples plates (personally I think it is rude) so that part isn't an issue but modifying my diet to date isn't happening. I'm the same way with non meat eaters. Our lives just aren't going to mesh. I don't disparage these people at all - they just aren't similar to me which is fine - no issue. I see no reason to not just move on to someone more similar in habits/lifestyle as me.


How would it be modifying your diet with the examples I wrote about?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Livvie said:


> It's been slow here in the life after divorce section, and I also have a question. Kind of a spinoff from another thread.
> 
> I have a severe shellfish allergy. It means at a restaurant if my dining partner orders shellfish, and uses his hands to eat it, I can't hold his hands until he's washed them, and if he wants to dig into my plate he's got to use something other than the fork he's been eating his shellfish with.
> 
> ...


Yes, disclose before the first date so the guy can plan accordingly but why on Earth would it be a deal breaker for some men? That makes no sense at all.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm trying to understand your partner's POV, how it could be a dealbreaker. Still out of all the things that need to be accommodated in a relationship, I don't really think there's any excuse not to accommodate an allergy. So no, no excuses, period.

Disclose it first date and any problems you dodged some bullets.

Also, shellfish aside, you should disclose anything you want on the first date. Early incompatibilities means much less wasted time until you find Mr. Right.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I'm afraid this may be a deal breaker for other men in the future. Is my allergy enough of an issue that it's something I should disclose on or before a first date? What are your thoughts?


If something may be a deal breaker it should be revealed as soon as possible. In your case it is nothing to be embarrassed about. If you're worried you'll look like a picky eater or a high maintenance date, name some of your favorite foods and then state your allergy.

I don't think it should be a big deal at all.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Thanks everyone 😊


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