# feeling numb...



## sounsure

Hi All, I am new here and so confused....my husband and I have been married for almost 11 years, been together for 16. We have 3 children together 12, 9 and 6. Over the years we have been through tough times/patches but have continued to stay together. We had a situation about 2-3 months ago in which he has a female friend whom I do not like and am very uncomfortable with him being around. He has known I do not like her since I met her but he has continued his friendship with her. So a few months back he lied to me about meeting up with her. I started checking his phone and saw the text messages that they were sending and I was not happy with them. He has a little nickname for her and would sign all of the messages "love ya". Now mind you I was not allowed to send him text messages because it was a work phone and he would get in trouble for texting because it was not included in the plan. Anyhow, found out about all this, confronted him with telling him I how I felt, how I felt crushed, etc. etc. After a few days of this I asked him to not talk with her anymore and he said he understood and would not talk to her anymore. So needless to say he didn't keep his promise and I found out 2 weeks ago when I got him a personal phone that he was still texting her. I saw this online while I was reviewing the plan but never read the texts and he had erased them anyway so I have no idea what was written. This was just the icing on the cake for me and sent me over the edge. I confronted him on this and he said "yeah so she is just a friend what is the big deal." It got to the point of me exploding on him with all of my feelings over the years about him not being around much and expecting me to do everything, blah, blah, blah. I told him we needed to go to counseling and he agreed. So we had our first session and I said that my biggest problem was that I felt that my feelings didn't matter to him and that he was going to do whatever he wanted and it didn't matter as long as I didn't know what he was doing. I also stated that I felt very unappreciated, last on the list of priorities and basically felt as though we had completely grown apart. The next day I started a conversation with him saying I wanted to get everything out on the table, both of us, so that we could start with a clean slate. Throughout the arguing/discussing he told me that he didn't see any need to change what he does just because I think differently then him...anyhow on thursday I asked him to leave the house. I was devastated at first but then I felt relief, and I still do. I do feel bad that he looks miserable but I just don't feel that way. Maybe I am numb...I don't know. Last night he said he needed to come by to get more clothes and I said that was fine, the kids and I were going to get pizza. I then sent him another text saying that he if wanted to hang out with the kids until bedtime that he was more than welcome to. He later texted me back saying it hurt too much to be around the kids and he was afraid he would break down in front of them. I understand but I am also irritated with this. I guess I just don't know what to do/feel. Is it normal for me to be happier with him gone? I know it has only been 4 days but I definitely need more time to figure out what I want and I truly think he does too. I don't think I would trust that he is willing to make any true changes for good. I think things would be good for awhile but then go back to the old patterns again and I refuse to live like that anymore. He is not a bad person but I guess I am just tired of all this. I'm sorry this post is so long and that I am rambling, I just don't know if what I am feeling is normal or what to do at this point.


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## Sensitive

It sounds remarkably similar to my situation. He has many friends online that I disapprove of but he won't stop being friends with them. I wish I had the courage to kick him out and make him feel sorry for being unfaithful. All those issues you mentioned, I also have (feeling unappreciated, not helping, etc.). I hope you find answers.


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## Sprite

You did the best thing that could...you MADE him listen to you. He was not listening to you while you were trying to talk to him, but..when you tell him to leave, that opened his eyes. Guys are like that for some silly reason. Now it will be up to him if he wants to try and fix it. It's up to you also, but he needs to be able to accomidate a simple request by you to stop talking to this other woman before either of you can move forward within the relationship.

You are not wrong, and you should not feel guilty for being happy with him gone. That feeling may last, it might not, but for the time being, isn't it nice to not have anyone to answer to? Think of the stress you do NOT have at the moment, no one to argue with, no one that is NOT listening to you..it's ok to feel good about that!

What do you want to do? Do you want to see the marriage work out? Or would you rather part ways? Figure that out, then you will be fine. It's ok if you don't know, these things take time


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## dcfl_notsure

I read your posting and thought I'd share my thoughts. My first question is, do you know where he is staying? I ask this b/c if he were in contact with others outside the marriage, you kicking him out allows him to continue those relationships (not in a cheating way) without having to "sneak" around or having to "walk on eggshells". My heart goes out to you b/c I can relate to the pain of your spouse not being considerate of your feelings as your partner. I too am going through some issues (see my post) with my wife which basically boils down to the same thing. Not respecting the spouses feelings and views. Marriage is about team work and commitment. 

How were you legally able to get your husband out of the home? Or did he leave at your request? I have asked my wife to leave on several occassions but she says that she can't until August b/c she will then have the opportunity to move out with another single mother. And after looking into it, I cannot legally kick her out of the home since she is on the Deed.

I hope that things go the way you would like them to go. I'll keep an eye on your posting to see how things go.


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## sounsure

dcfl-He just left at my request which was good and bad. At the time I felt he was just leaving too easily...we had some major breakthroughs yesterday at counseling and we continued the conversation afterwards. He did a lot of thinking and realizes what he has been doing to me. We are working on the road to recovery now and I truly in my gut feel that he is sorry and remorseful of the way things have been going. I know it is going to take a while yet for everything to be good, we both have a lot to work on but at least I know there is something to work towards now and I am not wasting my time and energy on this. BTW-after I said he could come home last night I asked where he had been staying and he told me he was staying in his truck. I asked him why (he has plenty of friends around that he could have stayed with) and he told me it was because he really needed to be alone and think things through.


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## Sprite

Wow, him staying in his truck proves he is thinking. My brother in law did that, and I was so pissed at him when we found out. But he too needed to clear his head. If thats where he needs to be, let him, until he figures this out. He obviously needs some time and space.

I am glad you are both going to counceling and trying to work through this. It is possible


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## ls878

sounsure said:


> dcfl-He just left at my request which was good and bad. At the time I felt he was just leaving too easily...we had some major breakthroughs yesterday at counseling and we continued the conversation afterwards. He did a lot of thinking and realizes what he has been doing to me. We are working on the road to recovery now and I truly in my gut feel that he is sorry and remorseful of the way things have been going. I know it is going to take a while yet for everything to be good, we both have a lot to work on but at least I know there is something to work towards now and I am not wasting my time and energy on this. BTW-after I said he could come home last night I asked where he had been staying and he told me he was staying in his truck. I asked him why (he has plenty of friends around that he could have stayed with) and he told me it was because he really needed to be alone and think things through.



how have things been going lately? my situation sounds very similar. my husband is about to leave. we have a planned separation, but i'm so scared he will never come back. how did you do it?


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