# Spying



## ken7572 (Jul 14, 2014)

To what extent do you spy and does the WS give you permission to or do you do it in secret?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

ken7572 said:


> To what extent do you spy and does the WS give you permission to or do you do it in secret?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


If you have permission it isn't spying.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I think it depends on where someone is in the "process"

Suspicions? Suspicions supported by evidence? Infidelity confirmed? Reconciliation? And some may call it spying, others may call it verifying, or checking up.

Not really spying if the spouse is aware, IMO. But I wouldn't be asking permission that's for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

By asking this: To what extent do you spy and does the WS give you permission to or do you do it in secret?

tells me you're not up to it so don't bother. Let a pro do it.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

ken7572 said:


> To what extent do you spy and does the WS give you permission to or do you do it in secret?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Just a wild guess here, but it sounds like something there's more to your question....care to elaborate?


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

Just use same principle as the law does : 

_Reasonable Cause_


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

It depends on if you are spying pre D day or after the fact.

Pre D day it's done in secret to find out the level of involvement of the WS in an affair or whatever. After D day it's done to VERIFY that whatever your condtions are for R, they are being kept just as you have specified that they should. 

If a WS is genuine with R then passwords and anything else you require should be handed over on demand, cheerfully and gladly, whenever and wherever you request them.

If there is a hesitation or reticence to do so then it's a false recovery.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Post D day if your spouse gives you enough reason to suspect something then you have reason to spy or check up on them. Post D day it is your right to follow up on them and it should be right out in the open.

It sounds like you have red flags and reasons to look. Please share some basics so we can give you feedback


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/206866-new-here-coping-stage.html

This was her thread from yesterday. Didn't realize it was same person until I got on my iPad.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I've never spied, Never will. If I lose faith in my partner I will leave. 

Spying can never tell you a partner didn't cheat. It can tell you they did (and you leave) or it can tell you nothing - and you still have your suspicions.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've never spied, Never will. If I lose faith in my partner I will leave.
> 
> Spying can never tell you a partner didn't cheat. It can tell you they did (and you leave) or it can tell you nothing - and you still have your suspicions.


Have you ever suspected infidelity in your marriage?


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

I posted in your other thread. In your case I think spying is a BAD idea. He is getting intimacy elsewhere because you are not providing it. You and he have a TOXIC relationship that neither one of you are willing to bail out on. Worry about your relationship, THEN worry about if he's still cheating. You don't have the time or energy to do both and you won't be able to fully commit to both.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening PhillyGuy
I try to avoid giving personal information here, but in this case:

Yes I suspected. I still don't know and never will. The things that made me suspect have now gone away. 

I believe my partner suspected me, but no longer does. 

Our relationship went through some very bad times. 

I am content to know that there are things I can never know. 



PhillyGuy13 said:


> Have you ever suspected infidelity in your marriage?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm glad you guys are in a better place now. 

To each their own. I did spy on my wife after some suspicious activity. The spying did give me peace of mind that nothing seemed to be going on. Yes nothing is 100% foolproof but I felt better after the fact than I did before. 

I do agree with your earlier statement, if it gets to the point you have no faith in your spouse, it may be time to move on.

Good luck!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
The other problem with spying is that it is a technological arms race. If the target is technologically savvy, they may realize what is going on and feed you false information through your spying system.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

ALWAYS wear a trench coat and smoke a curvy pipe!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

With respect to a wayward, formerly wayward, or potentially wayward spouse, sleuthing should always be done in secret, otherwise you're doing it wrong.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

If you feel the need to spy then do so, if you are currently in a post Dday situation then stop with any type of open investigation, get spectorpro and webwatcher on the PC/laptop/tablet and teensafe on the mobile, get iphone cloud access and drop the whole subject.

You need to lull them into a false sense of security and into believing that life is back to normal, normal = back to doing bad things.

Expect to have to wait a few months or like me, over 2yrs


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> You need to lull them into a false sense of security and into believing that life is back to normal, normal = back to doing bad things.
> 
> Expect to have to wait a few months or like me, over 2yrs


After Dday1 my WW gave me permission to spy, she new I was. It wasn't until 2yrs later when she thought I had stopped looking that she made the error that led to Dday2. 

When they know they are being watched, they can be very clever about hiding and gas lighting you. She had lots of conversations with one of her OM via text. She ran props for a community theater and he was the building manager. The conversations were always about projects that needed to get done, or things that needed to be moved to storage. But it was a coded way of letting the other know when they would be at the theater. Then they would meet there for thier trists. 

So, if your WS knows you are spying, look for the regular or high frequency communication. Content is not always king. Sometimes the innocuous but frequent or regular communications will point you in the right direction.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<Good evening PhillyGuy
I try to avoid giving personal information here, but in this case:

Yes I suspected. I still don't know and never will. The things that made me suspect have now gone away. 

I believe my partner suspected me, but no longer does. 

Our relationship went through some very bad times. 

I am content to know that there are things I can never know. >>

Well, this is the place you do share personal stuff-that's kinda what it's for 
And , more power to you if you don't need to know- that is not me- hence my tag line. I don't like the idea of someone else making decisions that affect my life without my approval, such as an affair that could end my marriage, and rearrange my entire life as I know it.

I agree with the poster that said it's justified (my add) 'spying' before you tell your cheating spouse you know, and 'checking up on them' afterward as needed. 
My FCH became transparent , made sure I had all passwords and closed the egregious accounts. He is fully aware that I had/have a need to check up on him when I feel the need and realizes I will never just forget what he did. It will fade from my every day thoughts eventually, but that's it, it will forever be there somewhere in my mind. 
I wouldn't have it any other way at this point.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I quit spying after I found out what I needed to know.I just quit giving a crap.


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