# Temper temper!



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Had my ex-wife criticise me for my temper recently, so much for getting her in the mood for reconciliation, after she found out I threatened someone at her church for laying a hand on my daughter. (My daughter has an apparent "bullying" problem at church/school - mostly BS btw, and one of the parents gave her a slap after their son pulled the bully card on her)

The thing is, they asked for it! Hell then I went off at her for not going off at them herself. She said that they are 'good' people and I'm making a bad example for our daughter. I didn't make a scene, I only calmly told them what would happen that if one of them laid one more hand on my daughter, and that's it!

A bad example? Hell I would want my daughter to do the same when it comes to her kid!

I actually consider myself rather tempered, like, I never start fights, but I always finish them. Somethings trigger me sure; daughter threatened, racism, etc... but even though I embrace my anger every time - I'm very calculative when it comes to expressing it, and I always try to comply by the law (nowadays) even when it gets physical, at least all the grappling/fitness training good for something!

With women I don't let it get physical, but I don't hold back with their spats either - ex-wife included - and she says that she can handle my temper but others can't, and that those parents I threatened were frightened by me. What did they expect?

I happen to be a nice guy! But it's because I'm a nice guy that I get REALLY pissed off when people try to take advantage with me or my family, and they learn! Besides I made my point with those parents who hit my daughter, so what's the problem? Bah!

So hell, what's wrong with having a bad temper as long as it doesn't lead you to stupid things? I can deal with the consequences of my actions, and it's always worth it!


----------



## BBF (May 21, 2015)

*Good for You*

Never apologize for being a man who looks after his own kid(s). Hell, there's even a Toyota commercial entitled "Bold Dad" that celebrates what dads used to, and still should do. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Un6uP6cykgo

Brings to mind a famous political slogan: 

"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice and moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue."


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

from your own description sounds like you may still have some issues with anger and control. "try to comply with the law (nowadays)" It sounds like you get physical if you feel the situation calls for it. You indicate people will "learn" when you feel they take advantage of you or your family. What do they "learn"? A fight? Some other physical display? These kinds of words and attitudes might naturally make people apprehensive and defensive around you and your family.

Calmly telling someone what will happen if that includes physical violence on them would be considered by many just as disturbing as making a scene.

Your daughter has an "apparent" bully problem - apparent to whom? Possibly others view whatever behaviors she is engaging in as bullying.

You write you can deal with the consequences of your actions and "it's always worth it!" What does that mean? Frankly that sounds like the braggadocio of teenage boys trying to prove they are the biggest, baddest dudes on the block.

"I never start fights, but I always finish them." What is that, trying to channel John Wayne? You might think your bad temper doesn't lead you to do stupid things but I'm betting others wouldn't have the same assessment. The standard retort to that is often, well that's THEIR problem. More often than not it is the problem of the person with the temper.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

They simply learn that there are consequences for their hostile actions! Nothing more, nothing less!
As for daughter's "bullying" problem, we're dealing with it - read "bully card" thread on parenting section

As for being able to deal with the consequences of my actions, of course its worth it! Force ensures my conditions are met! Besides I know how to circumvent the system to get my way in the aftermath of physical confrontations.

What's the alternative? Let those parents continue to discipline my daughter without my consent?

Hell you sound like my ex (not a bad thing - but differing opinions)!


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

good luck with that circumventing the system. remember in the end, as in vegas, the house always wins because the house makes the rules.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Had my ex-wife criticise me for my temper recently, so much for getting her in the mood for reconciliation, after she found out I threatened someone at her church for laying a hand on my daughter. (My daughter has an apparent "bullying" problem at church/school - mostly BS btw, and one of the parents gave her a slap after their son pulled the bully card on her)
> 
> The thing is, they asked for it! Hell then I went off at her for not going off at them herself. She said that they are 'good' people and I'm making a bad example for our daughter. I didn't make a scene, I only calmly told them what would happen that if one of them laid one more hand on my daughter, and that's it!
> 
> ...


I think I would crap a kitten if someone slapped my child. For any reason. So this may be an example of a reasonable time to become angry. With that said, just the way you write, you sound like you do have a temper in general. 

What is wrong with that? What is wrong with it, is that it is extremely unpleasant, traumatic even, to be around someone with a short fuse. To be stuck with (married) to someone like that? NOT. FUN.

One minute they're fine. The next minute, they're in someone's face. They're losing their job. They're alienating your friends. They're pissing off customer service people. They're stressing you out! etc. You're constantly holding your breath hoping nothing sets them off today...

Just because you don't get violent does not mean you're reactions are age appropriate. I really appreciate assertiveness, especially in a man, but a hair-trigger temper is very unattractive.

Your wife has made it clear she does not like your temper as it is. So if you want to reconcile with your wife, you might start thinking how *does *she feel about this, instead of how do *I think *she *should *feel about this. And is indulging in losing my temper whenever I feel like it worth losing my wife?


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Maneo said:


> The standard retort to that is often, well that's THEIR problem. More often than not it is the problem of the person with the temper.


Yep. An A-hole is someone who thinks everyone else is an A-hole...


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ex-wife made it clear she can handle it (with me at least - her problem is how I threatened her friends), and I don't think I'm THAT bad like hell - I am honest and upfront, if I don't like something I'll say it, I'll let you know what will happen if pushed, and if pushed then ok, bring it!

I don't have a short fuse and I can understand that it's bad, like my mum was very bad tempered to the point she be set off unexpectedly, one of the many reasons of divorce, but since aging she's come to the realisation of her short fuse, it's not a short fuse at all, more a ticking fuse - one that ignites from way back when and then out of the blue, once it all builds up - kaboom!

I may have inherited her temper it seems - but I have a very *obvious* fuse! 

You can see it coming, like I made it clear to those guys what would happen, I didn't explode at them out of the blue! Besides sometimes it's best when the bomb explodes early on, like a laser-guided bomb VS a nuke - can even make friends from physical confrontations!

Ex-wife herself by comparison was very passive aggressive, when something is lit, she puts it under herself and boils herself (and everyone - me included) alive - resentment! I had to poke her to make her explode! Thankfully we've long past those times, our co-parenting arrangements require more assertive approaches and we're both better off together ironically since seperation.

Still she went off at me for standing up for OUR kid!

*sigh*

Civil and assertive is of course the best course of action, but not all circumstances warrant it! I do NOT want anyone to lay a hand on my daughter (except my ex-wife, and even then she only slaps her hand), so I have to do what it takes to enforce that no?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sure, all parents men and women get upset if their kids are assaulted or threatened in any way.
However the way you write about your own anger/ response to anger suggests that you come close to the line very easily but try and pull yourself back, I think you might have a problem with anger. Sometimes people use the "I am honest and upfront" and thinks that gives a licence to say and do what they want under that guise. While I can identify with the being forthright part not all people do and you must be aware of others and how they might react. So I would suggest in a nice way that you read up on the signs you need anger management and see if you do have to look at yourself also.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'm with you Dude. 

You recognize it, and you handle it. Period. Nobody got hurt. 

It's the wussification of the world. You just can't talk mean, or be TOO assertive because someone's feelings are going to get hurt. Waaa. 

If someone slaps your daughter, or offends your wife then you don't HAVE to talk nice to them. As long as you are picking your battles....


You and your wife understand each others' style. You are who you are. You don't have to apologize for that. Either you two will get it together or you won't. You know all this tho. I like how you seem to be self-aware. 

I wouldn't even call it a "bad" temper. Standing up for yourself or your loved ones is not bad... even if you threaten bodily harm. Too bad if it offends someone. Sheesh.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bad stuff would have went down if my kid got slapped by an adult at church.

That is worth getting mad about.

Your ex is cool with her friends slapping her daughter?

Pretty stupid my man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Randomdude,

Your W is protecting her friends and friendship over your daughter being physically assaulted(it is what it boils down too). Perhaps next time call the police and have assault charges filed. You then have done the correct thing by the law. You have threatened no one. 

Whacking my kid under the guise of "discipline" will never fly with me. It is assault. I would call the authorities.

Go ahead...whack someone's kid and see if you are not doing the perp walk in about an hour. How is this "friend" of your W any different? This friend should have been doing the perp walk.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Still she went off at me for standing up for OUR kid!


This, in a vacuum, seems very odd. Which makes me think it's likely that she has witnessed your temper enough that she's hyper sensitive to it, so even though this instance was a legitimate time to lose your temper, she saw it from the perspective of "great... here he goes again..."

I am curious, after you react quickly, directly, forthrightly with anger, how often do you find that you misread the situation and the people you were angry at were really not in the wrong?

For example, on the road if anyone crowds us or cuts us off my reaction is usually "Why is that psycho trying to run us off the road?" And my H calmly explains "They're not attacking us, they're just bad drivers who are not paying attention."

I think being direct and forthright (politely) is an attribute. I prefer it to passive aggressive. But to me you sound more reactionary/hostile/defensive than just "direct." Could you be interpreting a lot of interpersonal interactions in the most negative possible light when there is a perfectly good explanation for the other people's actions that does not merit your anger?

BTW - just because your X "can handle" your anger, doesn't mean she likes it or enjoys being around it. I'm not clear yet if you're really "angry" or just "direct." But if you're visibly angry - it's a major love buster whether she can "take it" or not. Please read this: Angry Outbursts


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> This, in a vacuum, seems very odd. Which makes me think it's likely that she has witnessed your temper enough that she's hyper sensitive to it, so even though this instance was a legitimate time to lose your temper, she saw it from the perspective of "great... here he goes again..."
> 
> I am curious, after you react quickly, directly, forthrightly with anger, how often do you find that you misread the situation and the people you were angry at were really not in the wrong?
> 
> ...


Good points WorkingWife. People seem to be taking comments made about the approach in dealing with the child being slapped in black and white as if any criticism of the way it was handled implies advocating not responding to the slapping. Of course any reasonable parent responds and takes action when their child is slapped by someone. The issue is the nature of that response. 

What we have is a somewhat vague description of the response that implies the threat of physical violence as well as indications of past physical violence for problem resolution. What we don't have is a description from someone observing the exchange to provide a fuller picture. 

It could be the whole incident was handled in an assertive but nonaggressive way or it could be just the opposite. Not enough information to tell. Though the information provided about the x-wife's disapproval and mention of prior physical violence to resolve issues indicates the response could easily have been seen as quite threatening.

I don't think anyone is saying there should be no response to the slapping but perhaps there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to handle that response.

And there seems to be some who take the stance that responding by threatening physically violent retaliation is absolutely the way to respond. Good luck with that approach boys with emphasis on the word boys for that is how a 13 year old boy might be expected to respond but not a mature, reasonably tempered adult.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maneo said:


> the response could easily have been seen as quite threatening.


It was SUPPOSED to be threatening. If someone is hurting your family, it's OK to threaten them.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> It was SUPPOSED to be threatening. If someone is hurting your family, it's OK to threaten them.


There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. 

Then there is the ambiguity of exactly what is meant by a threat.

Saying, "don't do that again to my daughter or there will be consequences" might be considered by some to be a threat; others would call it fair warning.

Saying, "don't do that to my daughter again or I'll beat the crap out of you" most would consider a threat.

I would say the former is a more appropriate response. The latter, not so appropriate.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I very probably would have slapped the offender and then offered to call the authorities. If they escalated, I would have been happy to oblige.

Idiots that go after my kids are very quickly brought to the knowledge that their life, as they have known, might soon be coming to an abrupt end.

I still can't believe your ex is down with her friends slapping your daughter around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I very probably would have slapped the offender and then offered to call the authorities. If they escalated, I would have been happy to oblige.
> 
> Idiots that go after my kids are very quickly brought to the knowledge that their life, as they have known, might soon be coming to an abrupt end.
> 
> ...


perhaps the Op could elucidate a bit more for the benefit of all exactly the nature and circumstances of this slap. It feels now that the incident is getting blown larger to "slapping around" and people "going after kids" and it is sounding to me as if we may be projecting onto the situation mentioned in somewhat more general terms.

I hasten to add that this not to either condone someone touching another's kid, let alone some sort of slap or that some appropriate response by the parent of the slapped kid is in order. But emphasis on appropriate.

Do you genuinely mean you would threaten to murder someone for some incident like this? 

I recall someone asked the OP the nature of the slap to which I don't believe there was a reply. Nor was the full context of the incident ever described except that the aggrieved daughter has been accused of exhibiting bullying behavior. A claim her dad refutes. But might there also be some action on the part of the daughter that might be in fact be viewed as aggressive and bullying and provoking the parents of the other child to the slap?

But let's all just fill in the blanks and expand this slap into slapping around and puff up our chests about how we'd get right in that nasty slapper's face and threaten to kill them. That's how we deal with this stuff and set a good example for the young 'uns.

By the way, while we all pontificate on this does anyone remember the short lived TV series that centered around a kid getting slapped?
:wink2:


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I said "Life as they have known it". I wouldn't stop their hearts from beating over a slap but I could make them regret ever being stupid enough to assault my kid. 

You can totally wreck people without killing them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size

BTW. The child in question is pretty young. Saying an adult is justified in slapping another's child over a perceived offense is pretty low.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I said "Life as they have known it". I wouldn't stop their hearts from beating over a slap but I could make them regret ever being stupid enough to assault my kid.
> 
> You can totally wreck people without killing them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size
> ...




sigh. one last time neither I, nor I believe anyone else commenting in this thread, have ever said anyone is justified slapping a child. 

The thrust of the conversation has been what is an appropriate response to that action.

And, whereas you seem privy to the details of the now infamous slap, I don't know what preceded the slap be it perceived offense or something else. I doubt we will ever know since the OP hasn't provided the detail and I doubt his ex will be stopping by to give her version. Nor, for that matter, is it likely the nasty slapping adult will post his or her version.

But by all means rush to judgement and fill in the details as you will.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The slap was after their son pulled the "bully card" on my daughter some time ago - I have a thread on the parenting section that details it, it was a slap across the face, in front of all her friends, which was also humiliating for a very social six year old. I didn't mention this threat there because there was no need to - hell it wouldn't be a problem if ex-wife didn't make such a big deal about me keeping her friends in check when it comes to dealing with our daughter.

I didn't blow up in their face, I very calmly told them what would happen (I normally do - I'm not a GRRR GRRR person - offline that is) - and in that I simply told them that whoever lays a hand on my daughter again - that arm is mine to break. Instead of accepting this warning however, seems like they went crying to ex-wife going waaa waaa!

*sigh*

I could have done worst, alot worst like in the past, would have just put them in a hold enough to inflict a ton of pain just to show them that I mean business. But I didn't - I'm not THAT person anymore, I'm a nice guy! I don't even identify as some 'tough guy' that some folks reckon I am - I just don't back down from the physical when myself or loved ones are threatened!

Bah!


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

so what exactly is this so called bullying that keeps cropping up in this sordid tale?


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I simply told them that whoever lays a hand on my daughter again - that arm is mine to break.


RD,

Personally, I think you showed great restraint if that's all that was said. 

I could see how it shocked them, but wasn't that the point? 

And, who the hell slaps someones 6 year old child?! That was TOTALLY uncalled for and I think the offending party got off very lucky...


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

T&T said:


> RD,
> 
> Personally, I think you showed great restraint if that's all that was said.
> 
> ...


There was an entire TV show on last season centered on this premise. It was called The Slap. Was pretty good.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have a thread on the parenting section if you want to read, it's long though.

Anyways thanks guys for the replies, discussion, as well as support.

Now if I can just get ex to raise her standards of how other people treat our daughter, and if she doesn't want to enforce it I'm always on call. She's so fking stubborn and *****y lately for some reason though


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

RD--kudos on stopping yourself with a threat. If an adult slapped my daughter, that would be an act of war. No warnings given.


----------

