# Am I a chump?



## Loving_Husb (May 29, 2009)

Been together 12 years.

Married for 5 years.

We have two children together 4 and 2 years old.

I love her very much. I feel I would just die if she was not my wife for the rest of my life.

She says she loves me and want's to be with me for the rest of her life.


Here lies the problem. She becomes kind of flirty around certain men. Some of whom are my (and her) friends. There is one guy in particular that I felt she was giving attention to. He is a very "smooth operator" kind of guy and My wife seems to melt when around him. For example, she would gave him a long goodbye, closed eyes, compassionate hug, standing next to me, then turns and walks away and forgets to give ME a goodbye hug. I said.."bye" and she was like, oh yeah...bye.

This is just one example but there are several more. I finally confronted her and told her that I feel that her actions make other guys feel like they "have a chance" at becoming a little too friendly for me to be comfortable in our marriage. 

I explained that when I was younger, a girl that I was friends with had a boyfriend but she would give me looks (like the looks my wife gives other men) and that was all it took for me to realize that she liked me and was telling me so. Soon after, she cheated on her boyfriend...with ME.

My wife assured me that she has NO feelings for this other guy (or any other guys that she does this with) I am jealous about. She denied ever feeling like this guy was even attractive AT all...(he is..i knew she was lying).

The next weekend....same guy, out of the corner of my eye I see my wife slap him on the ass and grab his hand in a very seductive way...this is the same guy she said was "gross...ewwwe yucky.."

I told her she hurt my feelings and she said sorry.

I wish this was the only problem but there have been MANY guys in the past that she has done the same thing with. I've confronted her and she has always said the same thing..."ewwwe gross, I don't even think he is cute". But after this last incidence I realize she was probably always lying to not hurt my feelings.

Unfortunately, this is not even the biggest problem in our relationship.

Recently, she contacted her ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago. Hid it from me, even though I had asked if he ever found her on facebook or anything. They had been in contact for over a month, talking on the phone while I'm at work, even on the weekends while I'm home with the kids and she is "shopping".

One morning, my wife drops me off at work because one of our cars are being fixed. She was then bringing the kids over to her friends house to play with a friends kids. At work that morning, I stumbled across an email as I was clearing out my catch all account. I saw that her ex-boyfriend HAD contacted her and gave her his phone number. I did a search on her phone records and yep.... they were talking to each other...15, 30, 45 min conversations here and there. Worst thing ever....the last phone conversation was 5 min after she had dropped me off at work that morning. Long story after that but the summary is that she was going to meet him at her friends house... She had a change of clothes and a secret makeup bag at her friends house all along.

After confronting her about this, it took 3 weeks to get the whole story out of her and I still am not absolutely sure that she is telling the whole truth.

She says that she loves me and wants me to be with her forever and that she made a mistake but it never elevated to anything. She says she never even touched him.

I am heartbroken, I mope around now. All I can think about is the sacrifices I've made for this relationship and how much I love my wife. I've always made it a point to be faithful and to make my wife feel she is the only woman in my life.

It has been a month since that happened and we are doing ok but I just can't seem to trust her anymore. And she does not seem to be as happy anymore.

How the hell am I going to build up that trust again?

I really want to make this work. I want my children to have a loving mother and father TOGETHER.

Does this girl intend on breaking my heart again?


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## chickmann (May 29, 2009)

You are not a chump. You are just in love. The problem is that she isn't in love with you as much as you are in love with her. I think she will do it again. May not be in the month, two months or six months but I think she will do it again. 

I have a similar issue. My wife seems to like it when men flirt with her and goes online to find men. Over the last year she has cheated on me twice with two different, strange men. We went to counseling after the first one and I thought everything was getting better/stronger but then it happened again. Now I have filed for divorce. The scariest feeling I have is never meeting anyone that will make me happy but in the end I would rather be alone then with a person who continually hurts me. I deserve better and am confident that I will find it. 

I agree, I would want nothing more than to have my kids have loving parents who live together but her actions have caused me to not love her anymore. You deserve much better than what you are getting. 

One anonymous person who I told my story to gave me good advice. They told me to stare into the mirror and try to imagine my life continuing in its current state and to imagine my life without her and moving on and to ask myself where there would be less pain. Clearly for me, there is less pain with her our of my life from a relationship perspective. In the short term there will be more pain as I have to tell my 3 kids yet.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Loving_Husb-

Can you just provide one more piece of data? what is your sex life like together, how good and how often? Who rejects who etc.


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## Loving_Husb (May 29, 2009)

Thanks for the reply guys.

MarkTwain -- sex life:
Before kids -- hot
After kids -- pretty reduced but still very active
After this last incident and the fighting, it has been good, just about every night but I feel like I am the one who initiates it. She is very receptive and makes me feel like she loves me...but still, I can only think of one time since this happened that she has initiated sex.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Of course she slept with the guy, come on. She recruited a friend (some friend) to provide a love nest, brought a change of clothes and a makeup bag and took advantage of car repair to ensure you couldn't track her down.

You want validation of her sexual interest in you outside of her just being willing to be intimate. You want her to prove her sexual interest by initiating sex. And you see her not doing that as proof she does not have full interest.

Maddening isn't it?

Things have changed between you. She having cheated has driven a wedge between you that is not repaired.

It could be. But she has to be truthful and remorseful and prove herself trustworthy in ways she doesn't get to control.

You have to state openly and honestly about your pain and what is bothering you.

Can you trust her? Does she still have feelings for that guy? Does she love you? Does she desire you? Can she be faithful?

All questions that have to be swirling around in your tortured head.

I recommend marriage counseling.

I also recommend your wife be honest and stop being a minimizer.

She did more than she says she did.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Tell her that you want to restore your trust in her, schedule a polygraph. If she agrees no problem. If she doesn't she slept with him and is lying. You will be a chump if you don't prove things one way or another.


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## libertarian (Apr 25, 2018)

If I were you id start finding ways to safeguard your finances immediately. slowly start to empty your bank account and transfer it into something she cannot touch. right now silver is at a lower-ish price, and crypto is a big buzz. also look for ways to earn wages she cannot garnish. 

The last thing you want to do is pay alimony and child support and know that shes spending the money to facilitate her taking on the **** of a parasitic man child. It's bad enough she's doing what shes doing, but you are the ultimate chump if you're the one paying for it. The least the dude that's banging her can do is take responsibility for where he puts his penis, but nowadays the laws are set up so that women can rake good men over the coals and let bad men directly benefit from the hard work of said chump. 
Dont get me wrong, its a good idea to support the children. they are innocent in this matter. but there is no way to verify that all your child support payments will benefit the children and not her desire to ***** herself. you should be preparing to fight tooth and nail for custody, build your evidence against her, do not be honest with her, because she does not have the decency to be honest with you. Quietly build your case over time and resist the urge to confront her about anything, because it will tip her off. Let her think you are clueless and that she can get away with anything. this is the best strategy because you're preparing for the worst, but it may not even come to that. if it works itself out, you can just abort mission and it will be as though nothing ever happened. save the phone bills, text messages, and id even go so far as setting up a hidden camera in your house walkways so you know whos coming and leaving when you're not around. again save the evidence and only present it in court if necessary. Do not confront her about it. store the files at your mothers house. 

this is my advice to you. if she does leave, file abandonment charges RIGHT AWAY. Do not sit around like a heartbroken idiot and beg her to come back and blame yourself for not spending enough money on her or time with her or any of that bull****. if she wises up you can always re marry her later. but she probably wont because shes stupid. 

also, find a younger hotter woman. but dont get too excited about her either. in fact dont get too excited about any woman. and most importantly dont use the younger hotter woman to try and increase your value in the eyes of your wife. because then, youre just giving both of them more power over your mind. ideally, you want no woman controlling your mind or your money. this is cold and harsh but its what ive come to see as the truth. i may see things a different way in the years to come, but i dont think so.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a 9 year old thread from 2009. I doubt that the OP is coming back. I'm locking the thread.


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