# How to take final steps to divorce



## 1212free (Oct 25, 2013)

Hello All,

I'm finally realizing that it is time to take the steps forward to divorce. I am so afraid...I have stayed home with the kids and currently only have a part time job which is unreliable. I have two children one 13, the other 17. I worry so much how this will affect them. Also I just do not know how I will possibly support them and myself. My husband makes a pretty good living but I really have no idea how much support I will get from him. 

My marriage is really dead. We sleep in separate bedrooms (my choice) and there is an air of hostility in the air. Everyone feels it. I feel like my husband should find someone who can love him, I just don't anymore. We have been to marriage counseling and I really feel it is beyond repair.

I thought I could stick it out for the kids but its just unbearable now. I long and want to be independent but I feel so out of touch from the world as I have not had to work since my kids were born. 

Any suggestions, life experience, or moral support would be so appreciated. I feel so alone and scared...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

1212free said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I'm finally realizing that it is time to take the steps forward to divorce. I am so afraid...I have stayed home with the kids and currently only have a part time job which is unreliable. I have two children one 13, the other 17. I worry so much how this will affect them. Also I just do not know how I will possibly support them and myself. My husband makes a pretty good living but I really have no idea how much support I will get from him.
> 
> ...


Go get a couple free consultations from lawyers. You might get child support and alimony.


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## 1212free (Oct 25, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Go get a couple free consultations from lawyers. You might get child support and alimony.


A while ago I did call a few and they require a large retainer just to talk to them. In other words "no free" consultations! It turned to a huge mess because one of them called my home phone number instead of my cell, which I requested, and my husband saw the message. (We get messages emailed.) 

Personally I would rather avoid lawyers and work things out with my husband. Is this even possible? Anyone do this? I don't want one dime going into greedy 2nd parties. However maybe I'm just being too naïve and idealistic. 

Anyone with experience? I guess I'm asking for personal experience. I can google and find out answers, not personal advice.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

1212free said:


> A while ago I did call a few and they require a large retainer just to talk to them. In other words "no free" consultations! It turned to a huge mess because one of them called my home phone number instead of my cell, which I requested, and my husband saw the message. (We get messages emailed.)
> 
> Personally I would rather avoid lawyers and work things out with my husband. Is this even possible? Anyone do this? I don't want one dime going into greedy 2nd parties. However maybe I'm just being too naïve and idealistic.
> 
> Anyone with experience? I guess I'm asking for personal experience. I can google and find out answers, not personal advice.


You could go non contested but it's what I would say is very unlikely when someone is going to have to pay a big chunk of alimony and child support that they will be fair. 
No contested usually works when the couple doesn't have many assets, they make around the same amount and both are just wanting to get it over with and aren't angry. 
You might consider asking him to go to mediation. It's much cheaper and easier.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Start seriously looking for a full time job. That's #1. Open your own bank account and start squirreling money away.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Start seriously looking for a full time job. That's #1. Open your own bank account and start squirreling money away.


ITA.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with working on your self sufficiency. Also, do your research on your area's child and spousal support. Figure out a realistic budget, and how you'll make things work. 

I do think that keeping lawyers out in general is a good thing. But you could look at collaborative or mediated divorces if required. I've been separated for coming up on three years now. I think one of the reasons why my kids are doing well is because my STBXW and I have managed to keep things amicable. It's also saved us a bunch of money we didn't have to waste, and it means that maintaining two households has been doable. 

In my case, being the primary income earner and separation initiator, I researched what my expected support payments would be even before I told her I wanted a separation. Then I've made sure she has that amount on the first of every month. She never has had to remind me about it. So she really hasn't had to worry about talking to a lawyer. From my perspective, she works with me on custody without getting difficult, which means I don't have to consider a lawyer. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1212free (Oct 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> I agree with working on your self sufficiency. Also, do your research on your area's child and spousal support. Figure out a realistic budget, and how you'll make things work.
> 
> I do think that keeping lawyers out in general is a good thing. But you could look at collaborative or mediated divorces if required. I've been separated for coming up on three years now. I think one of the reasons why my kids are doing well is because my STBXW and I have managed to keep things amicable. It's also saved us a bunch of money we didn't have to waste, and it means that maintaining two households has been doable.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I have hope that it could be like this, my husband have never really fought at all our entire marriage. In fact we are very good at being amicable in less than desirable situations.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Go to a book store for an evening. Load your arms up with books, sit down w a cup of coffee and start to educate yourself. 

You'll learn a lot. 

~sammy


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How long did it take to build up your courage to move on?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> How long did it take to build up your courage to move on?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


 

Who are you asking?

~sammy?


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## Syzygy (Sep 13, 2013)

You might consider taking a class. I'm getting ready to take a CNA class at my community college. It only takes a month and costs around $1000. I don't know your financial situation, but you could look into getting a student loan or grant. You might qualify for more than I did since you have kids.

Just a thought that might give you some new ideas.


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

Girl I was in your shoes!! I had a part time job, unhappy in my marriage with a 13 year old. I didn't know how I would do it either. I ended up getting a full time job, I researched child support, what kind of house I could afford, etc. I too stayed for my child but it was affecting her terribly. Once my job was secure, I made the move and asked for a divorce. I was able to get a house, get decent child support, and my daughter is 10 times happier!! Kids know and see the tension and they really do want to see their parents happy and at their age, they understand much more than you think! 

It's not easy, the bills, the single mom life, etc, but you can do it and if you are unhappy, then I say you should do it, you both deserve to be happy, life is too short!!!


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

Well my wife is leaving me and she is in a similar situation. Lucky for her I have a pretty good retirement savings which she will get half of and use to get her own house. Once she has that I think she can make it even though she has not worked in 19 years. She is getting a job. I have 1 child left at home(15) and she is dealing with this all pretty well. Kids can handle it. We are going the mediation route as we are on very good terms and easily agree on what each other is going to do/provide. I think if 2 people can avoid being adversarial it is much better for the kids.


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

Well my wife is leaving me and she is in a similar situation. Lucky for her I have a pretty good retirement savings which she will get half of and use to get her own house. Once she has that I think she can make it even though she has not worked in 19 years. She is getting a job. I have 1 child left at home(15) and she is dealing with this all pretty well. Kids can handle it. We are going the mediation route as we are on very good terms and easily agree on what each other is going to do/provide. I think if 2 people can avoid being adversarial it is much better for the kids.


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