# I am so lost.



## a.love.lost (Jun 21, 2011)

I am at a crossroads in my marriage. We were together on and off for six years and we just recently got married. We have two children together. We have had problems constantly with him being unfaithful. I know physically but I also think emotionally. I have been by him through it all and always tried forgiving him. Things would be fine for a while and then it would go right back. There have been numerous women that he has talked to and texted and sent and received pictures from. I have contacted some of them and been told how he has confessed things like that he regretted me having his child and different things. Long story short. We were split when I was pregnant with our second child due to his mess.. Well I went to church a lot and prayed about it a lot and he came to me one day confessing that he didn't know what he was doing. That he loved me more than anything and that he wanted to get into church with me and leave the past behind and that he was a changed man. It honestly felt like I was in bliss. Things were amazing, I didn't have to hide the truth because things really were great. So we got married and things were great. We were already living together and raising our children together. Then things just started falling apart. He has been doing the same things. I found out that he started messaging some girl that always seems to pop up THE DAY AFTER we got married. So I feel now that after all of these years of this mess that I have just emotionally shut down. I feel like I no longer love him and that I no longer have that connection that I used to have with him. There is also a little bit of background. I ended up going away in the military for about a year or so. While I was away he left me and I ended up meeting someone else. It was a relationship like I have never had. There was open communication, no mindless arguing, I could completely and fully be myself which I do not have in my marriage. Well.. that person has always wanted to be with me and to be honest I still feel like I have strong feelings for him and I always have. I just haven't done anything with those feelings for our sons. BUT now I am just realizing that it is so not worth it. If him and I are fighting and not getting along thats the worst we could do for our children. Basically I am so lost. I do miss the other person and I feel like I should have been with them all along. I always feel like I am being put down by my husband and there is always a certain level of emotional abuse there. I have not come to this crossroads based on that other person. This has been something that has been weighing heavy on my heart because when I look 10 20 and 30 years down the road I feel very doubtful that I can go on in this relationship. I have asked about going to counseling and my church even offers marriage counseling at no cost but he REFUSES. He seems to be so against it for whatever reason. I don't know what to do. If you want more info just let me know. I typed part of this last night and part this morning. Any advice will be very appreciated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It seems both of you are unhappy and he is unwilling to get counselling with you.

He is a serial cheat--that is probably the worst kind. You were feeling neglected and went off and had an affair of your own, which doesn't make anything better.

My advice is to really think about what you want and what is best for your daughter. Do you want to stay married to someone who won't meet you halfway and cheats repeatedly? Do you see this problem being resolved?

End all contact with the OM sinc eit is not going to help your situation.

Search within yourself and find if you are truly happy and can see yourself happy in 10 yrs in this relationship.

Good luck.

(Oh and get tested for STDs).


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

I agree with the previous post. This man is a serial cheater and will likely not change. He is not committed to resolving the issues within your marriage. He is selfish and you are the one going above and beyond the half-way mark. 

Does he know about the relationship you started while you were away?


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## a.love.lost (Jun 21, 2011)

Yes he knows all about it! And we split a while back and the OM and I tried to pick up where we left off and things seemed amazing. It seemed like everything I wanted in a relationship. He went to church, he was respectful, we communicated, and he made me feel important. I have none of that. I am constantly put down and taken advantage of. I feel like I just want to break free because what more can I do? He says he will "try" but there is never real effort. He is nice a couple of days and them BOOM it all hits the fan! It is never consistent and that is one of the hardest things since we have children. I am just so lost. I would leave but I am a stay at home mom with a very small child so the money is a big factor.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get a job. Start looking.

Ultimately you need to decide whether you want to be in this relationship as-is, esp. if you don't see any significant changes. Assess your part to that led to the dynamic you have. 

Life is short. So decide if you want your marriage, if you can see yourself happy in 10 yrs. If not, start taking proactive steps.

Axe the OM though. You need to make a clear decision w/o any outside interference. And while you may not think the OM is a big deal, it is.


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## a.love.lost (Jun 21, 2011)

Thank you. My first post was a little unclear but I am trying to find a job now and figure out if there is anyone in my family I can lean on to help me since our children are so very young. I honestly don't see me happy in 10 years if things continue this way.


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

It is never okay to tolerate emotional abuse. You are allowing your children to see their mother insulted, put-down, and yelled at. Don't think they are not absorbing every minute of it and it will resurface in their adult lives in their own relationships. You need a healthy relationship for your children to be raised in. If that means a relationship with only a mother in it for a few years, so be it. 

Your husband seems to be just this side of having two personalities. What happened to wanting to go to church and then just as suddenly wanting no part of any type of church counseling? What happened to being married and faithful to one woman, but then crossing multiple lines with multiple women? He says one thing and does another........not a good example for your children.

There are better men in this world than what you have. You will just have to be patient until the right one crosses your path in the future. Right now you need to think of your children and yourself. Do what you have to do to become more financially independent. Seek the advice and help of family and friends, but even after listening to them, you still need to weigh it all out and do what is best for your children. 

I pray for your strength to make the right decisions and that everything works out for you.


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