# Wife's only relationship in life - she now wants out



## brettyboo

Hi all,

My wife had only one boyfriend of sorts before me - not really a formal relationship at all. I'd had girlfriends for about 11 years. Then she met me and we married. Now been married 17 years with 2 kids.

Last year she started a Mid Life Crisis. End of last year she had an affair with that boyfriend. She has stopped the affair, but the now wants more in life.

She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. She feels shes only ever really known our relationship and wants to explore other relationships.

I love her still - I don't need to explore but she feels she does. Is this just the MLC speaking, or does this look like it's really over?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My wife had only one boyfriend of sorts before me - not really a formal relationship at all. I'd had girlfriends for about 11 years. Then she met me and we married. Now been married 17 years with 2 kids.
> 
> Last year she started a Mid Life Crisis. End of last year she had an affair with that boyfriend. She has stopped the affair, but the now wants more in life.
> 
> *She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. She feels shes only ever really known our relationship and wants to explore other relationships.*
> 
> I love her still - I don't need to explore but she feels she does. Is this just the MLC speaking, or does this look like it's really over?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Tell her that point is right now and you are leaving her, that you don't wish to remain married to her any longer while she considers you plan beta biding her time for her next tryst.


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## happyhusband0005

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My wife had only one boyfriend of sorts before me - not really a formal relationship at all. I'd had girlfriends for about 11 years. Then she met me and we married. Now been married 17 years with 2 kids.
> 
> Last year she started a Mid Life Crisis. End of last year she had an affair with that boyfriend. She has stopped the affair, but the now wants more in life.
> 
> She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. She feels shes only ever really known our relationship and wants to explore other relationships.
> 
> I love her still - I don't need to explore but she feels she does. Is this just the MLC speaking, or does this look like it's really over?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


I am never surprised to hear a person wants to experience other things when they married their first real BF/GF. I guess the question is have you asked her if she still loves you? If yes I suggest you go to counseling. If she says no then thats your answer. If the relationship is strong would you be interested in exploring an open relationship to allow her to have some one night stands as you do the same. If she says no then thats your answer.

It sounds like she has flipped the switch that many people like her flip. Miss out when your young and then go crazy trying to make up for what they missed out on. 

Is she late thirties?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Plenty of people approach midlife and have all kinds of issues. But they all don't cheat to resolve them. That's just an excuse. Her first BF is simply the one that got away, not stable enough to marry or not interested in marriage at the time so she went with you. She decided without telling you she was going to rekindle it. She knew the rules when she married you. Now she is a cheater. 

Don't believe for one second she has stopped the affair, it is probably underground now that you are aware.

All cheaters lie.

Sorry you are here.


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## Trident

As far as her wanting to leave the relationship at some point.

You do not want the decision to be up to her.


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## brettyboo

happyhusband0005 said:


> If yes I suggest you go to counseling.


She certainly cares for me, and we are going to counselling, but the affair happened so the love is diminished.



> Is she late thirties?


42


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## sokillme

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My wife had only one boyfriend of sorts before me - not really a formal relationship at all. I'd had girlfriends for about 11 years. Then she met me and we married. Now been married 17 years with 2 kids.
> 
> Last year she started a Mid Life Crisis. End of last year she had an affair with that boyfriend. She has stopped the affair, but the now wants more in life.
> 
> She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. She feels shes only ever really known our relationship and wants to explore other relationships.
> 
> I love her still - I don't need to explore but she feels she does. Is this just the MLC speaking, or does this look like it's really over?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Come on dude? What are you doing? She is already gone you are just paying for her living expenses.

She is not the only women in the whole world. You can do better. 

Eventually she will get more painful to be with then to be without. You can make that a long drawn out process or you can bite the bullet and push the time forward. Divorce and start your new life and find another women who wants to be with you.


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## chillymorn69

sokillme said:


> Come on dude? What are you doing? She is already gone you are just paying for her living expenses.
> 
> She is not the only women in the whole world. You can do better.
> 
> Eventually she will get more painful to be with then to be without. You can make that a long drawn out process or you can bite the bullet and push the time forward. Divorce and start your new life and find another women who wants to be with you.


X1000 
She biding her time.

Better get your ducks in a row.


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## Marc878

You act like a whipped pup here you'll lose. Don't worry about pushing her away she's already gone.

Check your phone bill and inform her boyfriends wife if he's married.


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## brettyboo

Thank you all for your upfront honest thoughts. 

I'm shattered it has come to this. She was a beautiful wife for so long - I adored her and lived for my family. My children are adorable too (7 and 10).

The person she is now I do not recognise...

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## brettyboo

Also, in the interest of being balanced, does anyone have any positive advice or experience with this type of situation?

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## SentHereForAReason

brettyboo said:


> Thank you all for your upfront honest thoughts.
> 
> I'm shattered it has come to this. She was a beautiful wife for so long - I adored her and lived for my family. My children are adorable too (7 and 10).
> 
> The person she is now I do not recognise...
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Sorry you are here man. Kids 7 and 10 over here as well. The only thing I can say is that once emotion and hormones are involved logic and rational about ANYTHING are out the window. Could be an MLC but the cause now isn't as important as what must be done. She will not come back in any reasonable way now. She's gone. 

Sucks so bad but you gotta let her go. She is saying what she means and feels. And she has already cheated. The only way back after an affair to healing is when wayward spouse goes All freaking IN with remorse and trying to win you back. When it's the opposite reaction, she's gone. If you let her go and she comes back in the future it was meant to be. Either way your end game is to let her go and fight like hell to get at least 50/50 custody and file via infidelity.

What's even more sad is not only your wife gone but the person you knew will be a shell of what they used to be, cold blooded and without sympathy or remorse.


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## SentHereForAReason

brettyboo said:


> Also, in the interest of being balanced, does anyone have any positive advice or experience with this type of situation?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Only positive stories I have seen in our situations are from the websites I spent money on to 'save the marriage'


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## Evinrude58

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My wife had only one boyfriend of sorts before me - not really a formal relationship at all. I'd had girlfriends for about 11 years. Then she met me and we married. Now been married 17 years with 2 kids.
> 
> Last year she started a Mid Life Crisis. End of last year she had an affair with that boyfriend. She has stopped the affair, but the now wants more in life.
> 
> She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. She feels shes only ever really known our relationship and wants to explore other relationships.
> 
> I love her still - I don't need to explore but she feels she does. Is this just the MLC speaking, or does this look like it's really over?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


When a woman cheats, they lose all live for their husband. Not a mid life crisis. Nothing more than she lost her feelings for you. Divorce her NOW, or be used until the next bf comes along.


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## farsidejunky

brettyboo said:


> She certainly cares for me, and we are going to counselling, but the affair happened so the love is diminished.
> 
> 
> 42
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Caring for you and wanting you in a way that a wife should want her husband are a far cry apart.

What do her actions tell you?

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

brettyboo said:


> Also, in the interest of being balanced, does anyone have any positive advice or experience with this type of situation?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

What you are asking is if anyone has a way to change your wife into a loving, faithful partner.

Sorry, brother, but she already does not respect you, as evidenced by the affair. You continuing to follow along while hoping for her to change her mind will only reinforce that lack of respect.

Why?

Because someone who respects themself does not tolerate such behavior from their partner without strong consequences.

I'm sorry you are here, man. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My wife had only one boyfriend of sorts before me - not really a formal relationship at all. I'd had girlfriends for about 11 years. Then she met me and we married. Now been married 17 years with 2 kids.
> 
> Last year she started a Mid Life Crisis. End of last year she had an affair with that boyfriend. She has stopped the affair, but the now wants more in life.
> 
> She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. She feels shes only ever really known our relationship and wants to explore other relationships.
> 
> I love her still - I don't need to explore but she feels she does. Is this just the MLC speaking, or does this look like it's really over?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


She is putting herself in the store window,waving her ass in the air waiting for some guy to pay her some attention.Like a ***** in heat.
And you are accepting this?
You have a serious self esteem issue if you are willing to put up with this and unfortunately for you you’re wife knows she can do whatever she wants and you will always wait for her.
Unless you want years of misery you need to destroy this illusion she has and act.Whether it is to save your marriage or not you can’t live like this with a sword hanging over your head.


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## Robbie1234

Your wife is not a bit sorry that she cheated. Take it from me she is looking for another guy right now. The biggest regret that I have in my life is taking my wife back when she cheated. It never stopped hurting me and then she did it again. 
Show her some backbone and dump her.


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## sokillme

brettyboo said:


> Thank you all for your upfront honest thoughts.
> 
> I'm shattered it has come to this. She was a beautiful wife for so long - I adored her and lived for my family. My children are adorable too (7 and 10).
> 
> The person she is now I do not recognise...
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


I'm sorry man. You need to grieve. But you should not hold on to something and someone who is hurting you. In the end that is a trap, holding on to this women is only going to make you feel worse. Also in the end you are going to hate yourself for doing it, besides that her continued hurts will just kill your love for her anyway. Sometimes to win the war you have to give up the battle. 

I know it doesn't feel like it now but there is still hope for you. There is other love out there for you. If you both take care of your kids they will do fine, kids need the most is active parents. No matter what YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER! It's OK to be sad even heartbroken but it's not OK to let someone anyone take advantage of you. 

Time to be strong, have courage and even though it may be the hardest thing you ever have to do, stick up for yourself. She has told you what she wants, give it to her. Ride off into the sunset like John Wayne (the Rock if you are too young to know who John Wayne is) with your head held high, and you will look back and be proud of yourself and that will really help with the pain in the long run. You know your worth, you are a good man, husband, father. That has more worth then some new sex. Lots and lots of women know this.


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## Trident

Best thing you can do is a strategy known as the "180".

It's discussed all over this forum, you can search on it.

In summary when a person does a 180 they detach from the person who is the cause of the demise of the relationship, and focus on themselves and working towards a new life without that person. One mistake people often make with the 180 is they think it's a way to "win" back the other person- they think "If they see me moving on they'll realize they made a mistake and they'll miss me, and come back". That is not the purpose of the 180 don't go down that road.


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## Chaparral

brettyboo said:


> Also, in the interest of being balanced, does anyone have any positive advice or experience with this type of situation?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Go read as many threads as you can in the coping with infidelity forum. There is nothing special about your wife. She decided to dump you but the old boyfriend either didn’t work out or they are still in an affair. How is your sex life? That usually tells you right there how she sees you!


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## SentHereForAReason

Chaparral said:


> Go read as many threads as you can in the coping with infidelity forum. There is nothing special about your wife. She decided to dump you but the old boyfriend either didn’t work out or they are still in an affair. How is your sex life? That usually tells you right there how she sees you!


Or in my case, forget the sex life, it got to the point when my STBXW would shut the bathroom door when taking a shower. In our 18 year relationship we always walked around naked without any issues, when getting dressed, etc. The vets on this board hit it when it started happening. She did that because she felt it would be cheating on her BF if she let me see her naked.


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## Evinrude58

There’s not really anything positive anyone can say.

Your wife cheated.
She doesn’t love you like she once did.
It’s not coming back. There’s no magic pill, a spell caster can’t work magic, you changing yourself won’t work...

Your wife is long since gone, vanished in a wisp of steam from hot breath she let out with her other man. It’s hard to understand how all the feelings for you could have vanished.

Sir, she’s just going to marriage counseling with you to try and satisfy her guilty conscience. So she can say “I tried”....

She will drop you like a ton of bricks and take you to the cleaners in divorce, once her conscience is no longer bothering her.

My advice: divorce her now while she still has at least some guilt over the affair that destroyed your marriage. You may use that guilt to get a fair settlement. Otherwise, you will have screwed yourself over yet again.
You screwed your self the first time not filing when you found out about her affair.

It hurts. It’s freaking mind-numbing pain. Endure it with honor. Endure it with confidence that you WILL get better, because I guarantee you that the horrible pain you’re going through won’t last when you accept she’s gone and start moving forward with your life.

But don’t stay and let her put you in limbo hell until some other ******* comes along that wants an unfaithful woman.

My sympathy. I know how you feel.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My wife had only one boyfriend of sorts before me - not really a formal relationship at all. I'd had girlfriends for about 11 years. Then she met me and we married. Now been married 17 years with 2 kids.
> 
> Last year she started a Mid Life Crisis. End of last year she had an affair with that boyfriend. She has stopped the affair, but the now wants more in life.
> 
> She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. She feels shes only ever really known our relationship and wants to explore other relationships.
> 
> I love her still - I don't need to explore but she feels she does. Is this just the MLC speaking, or does this look like it's really over?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Don't settle for this. She is a cheater and has made it known that she wants out. The MLC stuff is BS. She likely is checked out and you are more likely to win the lottery than check her back in. 

First, tell her you agree that she needs to explore other relationships and you will get a lawyer to draft up the divorce papers. 

Second, go get a gym membership and use the anger to improve yourself physically for your own well-being and for when you want to get out there again.

You will do fine post-divorce, her on the other hand, she will likely find the market for a mid-life women with baggage isn't as large as she thinks, so don't be surprised if she wants back in after testing the waters. Then laugh, tell her you're much happier banging your hotter/younger GF and slam the door on her face.


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## Yeswecan

brettyboo said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My wife had only one boyfriend of sorts before me - not really a formal relationship at all. I'd had girlfriends for about 11 years. Then she met me and we married. Now been married 17 years with 2 kids.
> 
> Last year she started a Mid Life Crisis. End of last year she had an affair with that boyfriend. She has stopped the affair, but the now wants more in life.
> 
> She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. She feels shes only ever really known our relationship and wants to explore other relationships.
> 
> I love her still - I don't need to explore but she feels she does. Is this just the MLC speaking, or does this look like it's really over?
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Give your WW what she wants. Have her served D paperwork and make it all very real. You are not a person who is simply a toy to be thrown aside when she is done playing with you. Find another who has not flipped their lid and tell you it is a mid-life crisis. I don't believe in them.


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## Trident

At least 3 posters quoted the ENTIRE first post in just this last page of posts.

People please consider that some of us read the forum on mobile phones and we have to scroll past all those lines which we've already read before in the first post!

If you need part of a post to help make your point clear simply delete all the unneeded quote parts before you post.


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## Yeswecan

trident said:


> At least 3 posters quoted the ENTIRE first post in just this last page of posts.
> 
> People please consider that some of us read the forum on mobile phones and we have to scroll past all those lines which we've already read before in the first post!
> 
> If you need part of a post to help make your point clear simply delete all the unneeded quote parts before you post.


I'll take it under advisement.


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## sokillme

One thing about her not coming back. When you are really healthy you will realize you really don't want her back. What is the value in someone who can step out on you because they are bored. Marriage and relationships have times where they are boring. Your wife is not a good wife. Once you really get that you will not feel so bad because you will see there was nothing you could do, she just wasn't a good choice to be married to at least not anymore. It's better to look for someone who IS a good choice. It happens to a lot of people. You will get there. 

The key to remember is there is still hope because there are a huge amount of other women out there who do have value and can add to your life. Start to force yourself to think that way.


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## EleGirl

@brettyboo

Does your wife have a job? Or is she a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)?


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## Chaparral

Mid life crisis decides to cheat = not particularly bright. Has nothing to do with her age. Your wife thinks another man will be able to give her non stop rainbows and unicorns with heart palpitations twittering at every glance. Grown folks know what real love is.

The only time you see folks reconcile is when the cheater is remorseful, crying and begging for forgiveness. In your case you see the opposite. Not only that, her affair was an epic fail (did you tell his wife?). Now she rubs your nose in it and tells you she is just hanging around until some other man will take her.

What you need to realize is that at 42 her value as a single woman is dropping like a rock. The odds are against anyone else marrying her. You on the other hand will find marriage hungry women coming out of the wood work looking for a decent man.

If you want even a slight shot of getting her back, start working out, do the 180 (for yourself), get some new clothes, hair style, etc. Maybe a new car. DO NOT TREAT HER ANY WAY EXCEPT YESTERDAYS NEWS =INDIFFERENCE. Start meeting up with friends and slap a dash of cologne! Where you go is now no longer any of her business.

If you want to rush the divorce go now and file. If you want to make the pain linger, do everything for her, wash dishes, clean house, take care of all her needs. This is called the pick me dance. In ten years or so here I has worked exactly zero times. Being sweet to a cheater means they will hate you for your weakness. Cheaters even blame their spouse because they couldn’t tell they were in an affair.


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## EleGirl

brettyboo said:


> Also, in the interest of being balanced, does anyone have any positive advice or experience with this type of situation?


You two are going to counseling. 

There is a way to fix this if both of you will work at it. Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Both you have need to read them and do the work TOGETHER that they say to do. The idea of the books is to rebuild the passion/love in your relationship and then keep it alive for the rest of your lives.

Typically, how many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you in quality time? What do you do during these times?


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## personofinterest

Mid-Life Crisis is code for "selfish destructive crap." There's nothing special about it. It's not a mitigation or a snowflake phase of life we all "just have to bear."

It's a flimsy excuse for being rotten. Don't buy it.


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## Evinrude58

You do realize that a betrayed spouse being convinced they were to blame for the infidelity is a pretty classic part of betrayed spouse syndrome, right??


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## UpsideDownWorld11

brettyboo said:


> Also, in the interest of being balanced, does anyone have any positive advice or experience with this type of situation?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


I do. Similar, wife checked out and then started having affairs. The problem you have is she is checked out and once a woman makes up her mind, its usually over. You are in the position now of trying to negotiate her desire for you again, but obligation is not real desire.

MC is always the go to in these situations, I've been there too, but they can only help two people that are fully committed to the marriage. They can't help a couple where one person wants to make it work, but the other person has one foot out the door. Might as well take a large stack of money, pour gasoline on it and light it on fire. 

I know you want hope to keep your family intact, but your going down a road paved in misery by trying to drag this out. She has had an affair and told you she wants to continue experiencing other men. Believe her. Anything that doesn't involve filing for divorce is being a chump now. Time to act decisively and save some self respect until she takes that too.


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## wilson

brettyboo said:


> I'm shattered it has come to this. She was a beautiful wife for so long - I adored her and lived for my family. My children are adorable too (7 and 10).


Divorce will be hard on kids no matter when it happens, but there are ages where it's better than others. The best time is before they hit puberty or after high school. If it happens while they're going through puberty, there's double the amount of emotional problems to deal with.

You have a little bit of time before then, so it might be worth trying to work it out. However, you would need to see significant effort on her part to save the marriage. If it's all you trying to win her back, you need to understand the reality of the situation. She has already checked out and it's pretty unlikely things will turn around. If she doesn't show any incentive to fix things, the marriage is on it's way to dying. Think of what's best for your kids in that case.


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## Thor

trident said:


> As far as her wanting to leave the relationship at some point.
> 
> You do not want the decision to be up to her.


^^^^ This.

Keep in mind that if she has decided she will be leaving the relationship she will make plans based on it. She will arrange finances, income, alimony, etc to best suit her, not what is best for you.

A legal separation will freeze all the financial stuff as of today. This may be a smart way to protect yourself even if you want to try to stay married to her. I think you should talk to a lawyer asap to learn what the legal landscape is where you live for your situation today, and how it would change over the next however many years. For example, will she become entitled to alimony? A larger portion of your pension or 401k?

These things can be complex and have trigger dates, such as a certain number of years married, or when you become vested in a retirement plan.

Is she saving like crazy for her own retirement, or are you the only one with retirement plans? That's what my xw did, avoid any real retirement savings and then she wanted half my 401k!

If you inherit money, it could become half hers.

You need to talk to a lawyer to protect yourself. She has given you fair notice she intends to leave the marriage, so it is not cold, unloving, unfair, selfish, or anything else bad for you to look out for your own future.

One of the best ways to wake up a spouse living in fantasy land is to drop a pile of reality in their lap. If she sees you preparing for D it could suddenly become real to her. If I were you, I would tell her you prefer to have a loving marriage with her, but you are going to proceed on the basis she is planning to leave per what she has told you.


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## GusPolinski

brettyboo said:


> Also, in the interest of being balanced, does anyone have any positive advice or experience with this type of situation?


Good news!

You’ve already received the best, most positive advice you’re going to get.

Tell your wife that you’re done making her a priority when, to her, you’re nothing more than an option.

And certainly not her first.

Tell her to GTFO.


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## Marc878

You are hooked on hopium so you'll linger until she dumps you.

That's what happens when you can't make a decision.


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## Lostinthought61

You honestly have to get your head out of your ass and divorce her, but sadly you still have a lot of growing up to do. 10 to 1 i bet you brought her a christmas gift...


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## Mr.Married

Lostinthought61 said:


> You honestly have to get your head out of your ass and divorce her, but sadly you still have a lot of growing up to do. 10 to 1 i bet you brought her a christmas gift...


I'll take the flip side on 10 to 1 she DID NOT buy one for him.

Who is going to take: She bought one for the OM ?


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## BluesPower

Mr.Married said:


> I'll take the flip side on 10 to 1 she DID NOT buy one for him.
> 
> Who is going to take: She bought one for the OM ?


You won't get any action on that bet... It is a given that she got the OM a "Special" present...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

If my wife was to say she wanted more and wanted to leave me "at some point," I'd say *"No time like the present!"* and had her papers on the spot. 

There'd be no time _wasted _waiting around for *HER* to decide when *SHE *wanted to ditch _*ME*_.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Brother....grow a pair. She appears to have chosen him. Let her go, expose affair to family and friends and implement the 180.
She is in the land of unicorns and rainbows currently. Ask her to please move out after Christmas. She needs some shock N awe.
Brother you cant nice a wayward back. As I have put my two cents in with other posters, women respect strength, not weakness.
Be strong. 

She wants to leave you at some point. Ask her to roll on out to her loverboy now. Do not put up with this ****. No self respecting man would tolerate this. You should not either. Your wife is screwed up big time.


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## EveningThoughts

I can relate a little, as I hit this point in our relationship of over 23 years (at the time). 
Like your wife I hadn't much previous experience, but my husband had lived with someone else for a few years. 

When my crisis hit, I didn't cheat, but I did ask to open our relationship so that I could get it out of my system.

I didn't see a future without my husband though.

Your wife has said she sees a future without you. 
So she wants more than sex, dates or a poly relationship.

If it is a midlife crisis then there are probably sites out there that will have better information for you. 

You sound like you are accepting that the relationship is over already. Is that what you want now, or are you hoping to try and work through this or stick it out until the crisis subsides?

And no we didn't open our marriage.


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## brettyboo

EveningThoughts said:


> I can relate a little, as I hit this point in our relationship of over 23 years (at the time).
> Like your wife I hadn't much previous experience, but my husband had lived with someone else for a few years.
> 
> When my crisis hit, I didn't cheat, but I did ask to open our relationship so that I could get it out of my system.
> 
> I didn't see a future without my husband though.
> 
> Your wife has said she sees a future without you.
> So she wants more than sex, dates or a poly relationship.
> 
> If it is a midlife crisis then there are probably sites out there that will have better information for you.
> 
> You sound like you are accepting that the relationship is over already. Is that what you want now, or are you hoping to try and work through this or stick it out until the crisis subsides?
> 
> And no we didn't open our marriage.


Thank you EveningThoughts, that's a refreshingly balanced response. My first post was in May, so now it's 7 months on I feel obliged to provide an update. It will be *very* brief.

Definitely a classic MLC.
She has FOMO and abandonment issues.
It was an EA with cybersex (but evidently no-one ever rules out actual PA, not that theres a huge difference anyway).
She was in a serious fog just post affair.
Both BS's are aware of what happened, and many friends and family as well.
The waywards are NC.
We're both having IC (psych for her) and MC together. 
The relationship and healing became possible when she understood she had to take full responsibility.
I am looking after myself and my kids first.
The children are not privy to what has happened obviously.
I havent yet decided what to do and am taking a rational view of the future. All options are on the table.

I hope that's reasonably clear ... I welcome any further rational thoughts and comments. Happy to answer questions if anything important has been left out.

Thanks TAM!


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## Tasorundo

You know, when you only give partial information, you shouldn't call people irrational for responding to it.


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## brettyboo

Tasorundo said:


> You know, when you only give partial information, you shouldn't call people irrational for responding to it.


Nothing wrong with your response Tasorundo. All good there.

Edit: I did want to say that with a highly emotive topic I do expect a bit of pent up emotions in responses. That's why I've asked posters to try to be more thoughtful. No more or less than that.


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## brettyboo

Tasorundo said:


> You know, when you only give partial information, you shouldn't call people irrational for responding to it.


Oh! Maybe you thought I only gave partial info in May? No, the new information is an update, not something I didn't share from back then...


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

brettyboo said:


> Thank you EveningThoughts, that's a refreshingly balanced response. My first post was in May, so now it's 7 months on I feel obliged to provide an update. It will be *very* brief.
> 
> Definitely a classic MLC.
> She has FOMO and abandonment issues.
> It was an EA with cybersex (but evidently no-one ever rules out actual PA, not that theres a huge difference anyway).
> She was in a serious fog just post affair.
> Both BS's are aware of what happened, and many friends and family as well.
> The waywards are NC.
> We're both having IC (psych for her) and MC together.
> The relationship and healing became possible when she understood she had to take full responsibility.
> I am looking after myself and my kids first.
> The children are not privy to what has happened obviously.
> I havent yet decided what to do and am taking a rational view of the future. All options are on the table.
> 
> I hope that's reasonably clear ... I welcome any further rational thoughts and comments. Happy to answer questions if anything important has been left out.
> 
> Thanks TAM!


You stated the following in your first post: 
*
** She wants to leave me "at some point" in the future to discover a new relationship. ** *

This was a very honest thing for her to say. Many here including myself advised you to walk away based on that statement alone. Has she retracted or backpedaled from this statement ? If so how?


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## Tasorundo

Also, your initial post and follow-ups (until yesterday) just said affair, which is assumed to be physical unless otherwise noted.


Most people here would say (based off mountains of stories) if there was sexting and proximity, there was physical.


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## BluesPower

brettyboo said:


> Edit: I did want to say that with a highly emotive topic I do expect a bit of pent up emotions in responses. That's why I've asked posters to try to be more thoughtful. No more or less than that.


The problem is with you, your thought process and your weakness as a man. 

People post what you and all of your "holier than thou" flowery writing is the following: We have been through ALL OF THIS at one time or another. You are busy being cerebral and making excuses for her and her "mid life crisis" that you do not even realize what is happening around you or what you are being told. 

So listen up: 

1) Adults have sex, or the rest of us do, not sure about you... If there is texting, sexting, proximity... the overwhelming odds, with a collective thousands of years of experience say that it was physical. 

2) Did you make her take a poly? Then you have NO IDEA what actually happened. 

3) Even when she said that at some point she would leave you... you accepted that, because she "just could not really mean it" after all, "she is having a mid life crisis"... LOL, LOL, LOL...

4) Everything is OK now, it is all over, she assures me that it is all over... bla, bla bla...

I could go on but it would not matter.

The thing is that even the most insecure MAN, the weakest of the weak, would never accept half of what you are accepting. 

When she said, "I will leave you at some point", your response should have been, "Oh, OK. Well tell you what, why wait? Let's get you packed and you can stay in a hotel until you find an apartment or your other man decides to take you in." 

That is what you should have said...


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## sokillme

BluesPower said:


> The problem is with you, your thought process and your weakness as a man.
> 
> People post what you and all of your "holier than thou" flowery writing is the following: We have been through ALL OF THIS at one time or another. You are busy being cerebral and making excuses for her and her "mid life crisis" that you do not even realize what is happening around you or what you are being told.
> 
> So listen up:
> 
> 1) Adults have sex, or the rest of us do, not sure about you... If there is texting, sexting, proximity... the overwhelming odds, with a collective thousands of years of experience say that it was physical.
> 
> 2) Did you make her take a poly? Then you have NO IDEA what actually happened.
> 
> 3) Even when she said that at some point she would leave you... you accepted that, because she "just could not really mean it" after all, "she is having a mid life crisis"... LOL, LOL, LOL...
> 
> 4) Everything is OK now, it is all over, she assures me that it is all over... bla, bla bla...
> 
> I could go on but it would not matter.
> 
> The thing is that even the most insecure MAN, the weakest of the weak, would never accept half of what you are accepting.
> 
> When she said, "I will leave you at some point", your response should have been, "Oh, OK. Well tell you what, why wait? Let's get you packed and you can stay in a hotel until you find an apartment or your other man decides to take you in."
> 
> That is what you should have said...


Yep, couldn't have said it better. I would only add that after you found her an apartment you should never have taken her back. Bid her fare well, have a nice life. 

Like I said in my earliest post to you, you will stop wanting to be with her when being with her is more painful then not being with her. You are not their yet but you are going to get there, hopefully you are not like some of the poor people that that happens when they are so old they are stuck. 

She is NOT the only women out there.


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## brettyboo

See my other thread.


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## Tasorundo

It's cool man, you can be as mad as you want at us. We never promised to forsake all others.

No one here is trying to hurt you or make you mad. I think all of us would say your anger at our response is because you know it is more true than you want to admit.


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## [email protected]

I hate this! This guy is such a doormat.


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## MattMatt

[email protected] said:


> I hate this! This guy is such a doormat.


Yeah. Cuz in fantasy land men are real men and women just swoon.


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## Diana7

personofinterest said:


> Mid-Life Crisis is code for "selfish destructive crap." There's nothing special about it. It's not a mitigation or a snowflake phase of life we all "just have to bear."
> 
> It's a flimsy excuse for being rotten. Don't buy it.


Absolutely. Any time someone between the ages of 30 and 60 acts badly its put down to a 'mid-life crisis', as if they can't help it. 
I also don't believe it has anything to do with her past lack of partners, some of the longest and happiest marriages I know are between 2 people who were their one and only from an early age.


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## tech-novelist

brettyboo said:


> Also, in the interest of being balanced, does anyone have any positive advice or experience with this type of situation?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


I have read WAY too many threads on this situation.

In the very few cases where there has been a positive outcome, the betrayed spouse immediately handed divorce papers to the betraying spouse. Even that usually doesn't work, but on rare occasions that jolts them back to reality.

No other approach has had any success whatever.


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## Marc878

You can't fix this. Only she could.

Let her go ASAP and free yourself to have a life.


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