# engaged. problem with future step children. what do I do?



## engagedguy (Nov 8, 2011)

Hi, I'm new here so I'll post a little bit of back story. 

Previously I was married for 8years. We had two sons. She passed away after a long battle with cancer. 
A bit after, I start seeing this girl. We hit it off, but take it slow. Didn't even kiss for a couple months. 
Fast forward a bit. We have been together a bit over two years. Moved in together around a yer ago. Got engaged about four months ago. We have a constant fight. About the children and discipline. My boys aren't perfect, but they do as they are told. When they are messing with something they shouldn't and I say stop, they comply. When told to go to their room, they do.
Her daughter, on the other hand; does not. When told to go to her room, her most frequent reply is "no, I don't want to". When told to stop, she continues until you physically make her stop. She can't follow even the most basic of directions I.e. "put your shoes on before you go outside, it's cold" = "nah, I don't want to"
When I try to make her do as she is told, I.e. holding the door shut until she gets her shoes on; my fiancé treats it as if I am the one who is wrong for making her listen. Asks me why I am mean to her daughter. 
The shoes thing is just one example, things like this happen daily. This morning she was told not to get the sugar bowl for her cereal, by her mother. She did anyways. 
The daughter is 4. The boys are 6 and 10. Age can't be the reason, because the boys were able to listen and follow direction at that age. And they certainly NEVER tell me "no". 
I have tried talking to my fiancé about it. She gets defensive and starts pointing out everything the boys do wrong. And that they aren't nice to the daughter (failing to realize that daughter starts it the vast majority of the time). We end up fighting until I give up. I'm at my wits end. 
We have other problems, but this is the major issue. 

What do I do here? I love her. But neither of us seems to like the others children. The children do not like eachother. I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life.
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This may seem extreme but take it from someone who is already 12 years down the path you're just starting on.

There are two things you can do..

- get family counseling right now before you get married and re- assess your situation after 6 months of the counseling before you get married.

- walk away from the relationship now as this is only going to get worse if the two of you can't fix it.

You're walking into a nightmare
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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

No kidding! Obviously the two sets of children have been raised very differently. My kids were raised to respect and obey their elders, and H's kids are spoiled whiny brats. I thank my lucky stars every day that they live on the opposite coast...

I weighed the consequences before marrying him...they're so far away and already teenagers, so they'll probably never be more than occasional visitors once or twice a year. Would have been a different story all together if they were with us on a permanent basis! I can honestly say I would have reconsidered his marriage proposal.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

don't get married . your children don't deserve to live with someone who doesn't like them . quite honestly that little girl deserve to live in a house where she is considered bad.

it just won't work for any of you . this is 1 of those difficul decisions that to have to be made . and if you don't make it things are only going to go west . I think it's sad that more people don't really consider what children can do to a marriage . they get married anyway and hope things will change . your wife has a problem with admitting the truth and with discipline . 

1 of the things that my husband and I get home we got married was agree that we are both authorities over our children.

There are books on this. Save your second marriage... I think talks about this. Maybe read it together and do premarital. Put off the wedding for a year to see if there's any significant change . short time change is easy with the proof is in the longer term.

please remember this is about your wife not that little girl . and her pointing out other people's mistakes make her a very bad role model for your children . she may not really be the woman you want to marry . 


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This only gets worse and will continue to create a chasm in the family dynamic and between you and your fiance.

No matter how you slice it ... it will always come down to yours vs. hers.

Counseling is your only option if you want to see this through.


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## engagedguy (Nov 8, 2011)

I really don't like it. I hate that my kids have to do what they are told, but she does not. I pretty much just don't tell the daughter what to do anymore. I figure if she's not going to do it anyways, what's the point in telling her. So I just let her run amuck and when she is being terrible I make the boys hang out in their room where she is not allowed so she can't annoy them. I don't think it's fair to the boys, of course our relationship isn't very balanced in the "fair" department anyways. But I do so love her. I will consider the advice given, honestly I have already been considering it; I just needed a few second opinions I think. Sometimes I'm irrational and overreact.
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

don't get married . your children don't deserve to live with someone who doesn't like them . quite honestly that little girl deserve to live in a house where she is considered bad.

it just won't work for any of you . this is 1 of those difficul decisions that to have to be made . and if you don't make it things are only going to go west . I think it's sad that more people don't really consider what children can do to a marriage . they get married anyway and hope things will change . your wife has a problem with admitting the truth and with discipline . 

1 of the things that my husband and I get home we got married was agree that we are both authorities over our children.

There are books on this. Save your second marriage... I think talks about this. Maybe read it together and do premarital. Put off the wedding for a year to see if there's any significant change . short time change is easy with the proof is in the longer term.
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