# I think I want out ... any advice?



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Hello,

Thank you for reading my story. Sorry that it might end up long.

Background: Met husband in college. We out a few times then started to date. We have been together 8 years married 2.5 of those. Dating years were great, we had a lot of fun common interest, traveled a lot, enjoyed life. Got engaged had some ups and downs in the engagement period but over all life was good. 
We had a huge but very nice wedding. Honeymoon was ok not what I thought it would be just not much connection all of a sudden. 

Please dont get me wrong, he is a nice person. Means well and can be supportive. He is probably one of the most loyal person (guy) I've met. I do love him. I dont like the saying i love him just not in love, but begining to feel its truly how I feel.

The first issue: So we never lived together before getting married. We bought a house after we got married; and never see each other which is probably part of the issues. We both work full time I am out one night a week for sports and he is out 5 nights out of 7. So not much time together other than we sleep in the same bed. I feel more like a roommate than a wife. I can saw we have had dinner together maybe 5 times since we have been married. Otherwise we eat whenever. 

The 2nd issue: Besides him gone most nights, we have poor communication. I can say part of that is me. I have a hard time talking since we have been married and its not because I dont want to talk, but we are very different when it comes to religion, politics and just things in general. I tend to see both sides of a story, try to understand another view point and am very concious about not hurting others opinions as they have a right to believe what they want. So at night when we are in bed I will watch the news. I find that some of the stories are interesting and will try to talk about it. When I state my opinion I am instantly wrong, or how could I think such thoughts. He is very opinionated and has very strong religious views and those are the only view. All these types of remarks came after the wedding. 

The 3rd Issue: Everything we have except the house is seperate. He treats everything as mine and his not ours. I am not worried about an affair or anything like that, however we are not a couple like I had so pictured my whole life. I look at my friends who are happily married and they do a lot together. We do more seperate than together. 9 time out of 10 we are with friends if we are together. 

Last issue: our sex life is pretty much null. I am in my prime, I am 30 and want children and he is 38. I have tried to approach and iniate sex and get so many excuses I gave up asking. We have gone 3 to 6 months at a time without sex. 

I just want to be loved and to have a relationship we had the first 4 years we were together. I love his family yes we have our difference but we get along for the most part. All these issues have been going on for 2 years and just feeling like I want out of my marriage and I never thought I would say that. I feel bad for him, this is his second marriage. But I want to be happy, I want to come home to someone who wants to be home and share the same interests. I feel like I am drifting apart. We do lack communication if I bring up anything about us and goals he gets very defensive. So I tend to clam up. 

My question for all you: knowing we lack communication how can I bring this up to him, that I am not happy. I feel like my couseling would be good for us, because I am at my breaking point of wanting a divorce. I want to be happy an affraid its not going to be with him. I am sick of being put down, and the comments he makes about me being his sugar mamma. When we met he was very motivated and now has no drive, no goals and i am very motivated, career driven, goal oriented and want someone with the same values.

Sorry this was so long.
Thank you again for reading.
Numb with all my feelings.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Why is he out so much? Why aren't the two of you making your marriage a priority?

You've only been married 2.5 years. You've barely begun. Yes, you have things to work out, but where's the work being done? Marriage requires effort. I don't see the effort here.

So what are you going to do about it? Run away or try to fix things? 

He needs to give up some of his time out. You need to make your marriage the #1 priority in your lives. Are you willing to do that? Is he?


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

So the full story was not given as the post was so long.

Yes, I have tried to make this marriage work. I have mentioned we need date night. He agrees and then I will bring something up like dinner or movie and that doesnt work. He is out doing karate he teaches 2 nights a week and practices 3 nights. I have ask him to stay home several times. He has made it clear he has priorites and responsibilities there. I made comments that it is more important than me. He said no but he cant just take days off whenever. I had a family reunion and he told me he would go but then would be gone all day the following week end. 

He has also made comments that I cost too much. I am on his health insurance and makes me feel guilty that I am on his health insurance as my company doesnt offer it right now.

My parents want me out of this but more because they see a lot of what he says and does and it bothers them. My parents and I are very close. I am an only child.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Does he know you're close to the end of your rope? 

He's a karate teacher, huh? Does he get paid for it? I know the folks who taught my kids were there a lot... Must be tough on the family... I suppose you could take up karate and let him toss you around the dojo a bit. ;-)

His insurance comments are irritating to be sure. 

I think you need to give him a serious discussion about how close you are to ditching him.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

About sex, what are his excuses? Is he into porn? Is there someone else? That energy is going somewhere... and I doubt it is just karate.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

I have asked him what he thinks of our marriage and he said he thinks its fine we are good.

No, I have not expressed that to him. I have not thought of a way to talk about it without him getting defensive. The issue I have is that he will say things like I will quit karate, i will be all yours which is fine but then after 3 months he becomes overbearing. We talked about this right after our wedding.

He gets free tuition


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's going to get defensive. State your piece and then disengage. Tell him when he's thought about what you have said you'd like to schedule a short chat. Chat only in small increments, one subject at a time.

He's teaching for that tuition so it is a trade, right? Still, not an excuse to screw up your marriage.

A couple nights a week, maybe. But he can't dominate your evenings with his hobby.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

I feel your pain! Especially the part about being roommates, rather than a true couple.

Did your relationship change abruptly after your marriage, or did it just drift into its present state over the last 2.5 years?


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## wantosaveit (Oct 17, 2009)

numb said:


> Hello,
> 
> Thank you for reading my story. Sorry that it might end up long.
> 
> ...


Hay be thank full you have a husband who loves you - be assertive and tell him you dont like being called sugar muma and the such - if he wont listen write him a long letter explaining how you feel and give him a few days to digest it - my husband has just left me after 15 yrs and i am a mess - i love him miss him and would do anything to have him back - count your blessings - my husband cleared out to another state and took our money too - left me with kids and mortgage - but i would have him back tommorrow - you miss what you dont have - he had good points too like you have pointed out yr h has. appreciate what you got and dedicate to spending more time together - good luck


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## wantosaveit (Oct 17, 2009)

appreciate what you got - my husband left me after 15 yrs - walked out with money and left me with 4 kids and mortgage - you wont know what youve lost till you dont have him ____ just try to spend more time together - schedule date nights and do the romantic things you use to do - good luck and dont give up - i would do anything to have my husband back


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Coming from a marriage where we work different hours and days I understand what your feeling, My wife has told me so many times she feels like a single parent. Yes it makes sense. We can't go out with other couples often becasue of it. She sits home on a Sat day and night cause I work most weekends. It is very tough. It's hard to stay connected but you both have to try.. You need to circle dates where they line up and make effort. love is work. Great love takes a lot of work.. Start by focusing on the good things and see where it goes from there.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think he is avoiding spending time with her to a degree because he does not want to have sex. 

This is a sexless marriage and that is a sad thing. I really, really think that if you look at it from that angle you will see:
- Total absence of all the emotions surrounding a loving physical/sexual connection. For instance - no man - in love with his wife - would complain about her being on his insurance. No way, no how. 
- Denial that there is a problem. Everything is fine. Empty promises about making his wife a priority. She is not a priority either in or out of bed. 

I am not saying he doesn't love her at all. Just saying that he is a friend not a husband. And the intensely judgemental - you are always wrong stuff while watching the news - that is a very bad sign. 

If he has any sexual orientation issues his religious guilt will make it impossible for him to discuss this. 

This marriage is a busted flush. Close to great - but with a fatal flaw. This nice woman is never going to feel truly loved by this guy. 





dobo said:


> He's going to get defensive. State your piece and then disengage. Tell him when he's thought about what you have said you'd like to schedule a short chat. Chat only in small increments, one subject at a time.
> 
> He's teaching for that tuition so it is a trade, right? Still, not an excuse to screw up your marriage.
> 
> A couple nights a week, maybe. But he can't dominate your evenings with his hobby.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She said things were different in the 1st 4 years of the relationship... Something changed... What?

When you talk about those times with him, how does he respond?


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

dobo said:


> About sex, what are his excuses? Is he into porn? Is there someone else? That energy is going somewhere... and I doubt it is just karate.


Sorry its been so long since I have responded. So his excuses are pretty lame if you ask me... usually its the "im tired, just want to go to bed", or not feeling well today or sometimes I get not in the mood. I've never seen him on porn and honestly and truly dont believe hes with someone else. I have tried to see if i can catch him, but drove by karate and his car is there. I do sometimes wonder and really hate to mention this but wonder if he is gay. I say that because of things he has said to me, but he would never admit that because of his religion and family.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

sbbs said:


> I feel your pain! Especially the part about being roommates, rather than a true couple.
> 
> Did your relationship change abruptly after your marriage, or did it just drift into its present state over the last 2.5 years?


I would say there was major changes after we got married. The honeymoon was ok, but after that things went down hill from there for me. I tried to see if I could work on it, didnt really tell him I was unhappy but suggested things we should do. But get the excuses and then says karate is his priority


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

wantosaveit said:


> appreciate what you got - my husband left me after 15 yrs - walked out with money and left me with 4 kids and mortgage - you wont know what youve lost till you dont have him ____ just try to spend more time together - schedule date nights and do the romantic things you use to do - good luck and dont give up - i would do anything to have my husband back


I am sorry to hear that. I can say I would appreciate him and my marriage more if I got the respect and love that i want, need and deserve.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> I think he is avoiding spending time with her to a degree because he does not want to have sex.
> 
> This is a sexless marriage and that is a sad thing. I really, really think that if you look at it from that angle you will see:
> - Total absence of all the emotions surrounding a loving physical/sexual connection. For instance - no man - in love with his wife - would complain about her being on his insurance. No way, no how.
> ...


Thank you. I appreciate this post. This stays it all for me. This is exactly my feelings. I think he does love me, but not in the husband kind of way. I still hear about the insurance and just this past week he said lets get a joint account. I am skeptical about doing that now, because I dont know his bills he never wants to share unless we get into a fight about finances. So at this point I dont see getting a joint account being helpful. 

I just honestly want to be with someone who enjoys the same things in life that i enjoy. I get that people change and of course i've changed since I met him, but I feel if you change together and make those together you could have a strong relationship. Make goals together and accomplish them.

I have asked a few times this week to spend time with me he says i have karate then i will come home after that. Its almost 9pm here and hes still not home. I left the house at 7am this morning, part of me is scare to leave scare of being alone however i often think i am basically alone now. So how much different could it be?


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Sorry it has been so long since I have been here. 

MEM thank you for your post. I really appreciate it. That is pretty much how I feel. I want to be loved feel needed and be the couple we once were but I truly feel its too far gone. 

So this past week, I mentioned to him things we did when we dated. He said yeah now its different we own a house (i agree to some degree thats true) and your health insurance went up. Always brings up the insurance and just feels like a jab everytime. So I told him this again and hes just says sorry dont mean it that way but its the truth. 

I asked him if he was happy with our marriage and his response like every other time i have asked is yes of course hun why would i not be. Then i ask about goals and he cant give me one goal he has for us. I just feel i am with someone who changed completely since marriage. 

Not sure if i mentioned before but since we bought our house he drinks quite a bit more than he used to there are times I get home from bowling and hes already drunk. I had tried to talk about this and get shut down and ends in a fight. so i drop it. Any advice on how to bring up my unhappiness with the relationship without putting it in a way where its a defensive approach?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It ends up in what kind of fight? He wants to drink no matter what? No wonder he doesn't want to have sex. Drunk men are notoriously limp.

Why's he drinking? I mean, with the house and the insurance going up, he's got $$ for alcohol but not for donig things with you?

Put your foot down. He quits or you're out of there. No argument. Just the way it is.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Numb,
I do think your husband is avoiding you to avoid sex with you. I also think he is just angry - angry about stuff that has nothing to do with you. And his anger, is manifesting itself in a type of emotional abuse. The bit about health insurance is just so raw. You simply would not say something like that to a wife you love. 

Your desire to have a pro/con discussion on news topics is delightful and shows you to be smart and balanced. His caustic response - shutting you down so hard - that is mean. 

I don't think he can change. I do think you deserve way, way better. 

I think you will make some deserving man wonderfully happy. 



numb said:


> I would say there was major changes after we got married. The honeymoon was ok, but after that things went down hill from there for me. I tried to see if I could work on it, didnt really tell him I was unhappy but suggested things we should do. But get the excuses and then says karate is his priority


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

I think he, like many men, lacks emotional awareness. We men are not educated on the emotional needs of women. I learned that I'm, by social conditioning, inclined to be less emotional and more in a "management" mode when I deal with people. It's part of what has made me reasonably successful in my career and dealing with others. 

But I've learned (and part of the reasons I'm on these sites) that women in loving relationships see the world differently and have different needs than men. Sure, people are different, but there are commonalities. And one of them is that my wife, like so many other women in relationships, needs to feel emotional closeness to be content and happy.

It sounds like you are unhappy with the lack of emotional and verbal/physical intimacy in your relationship. Your husband simply is not aware, or chose not to embrace, that you have that legitimate need and part of his "providing" is providing for that need. 

Since he's not getting there on his own, you need to lay it out for him. Tell him what you need in exact, excruciating details. You say he likes to argue? Then write him so he can read it. He has two choices after you share your needs with him. First, he can choose to embrace what you need, and work on it. In that case, I think you should give him a chance to work on it. It's not entirely easy for men to become aware after being told all our lives that being tough, compartmentalizing people and information, and keeping your emotions in check are how we are supposed to behave. But if he makes an effort, don't apply the double-standard and now fault him because "he's not doing it on his own--he needs me to tell him." Effort should count--especially when we men have to go against years of social conditioning.

Or second, he can continue to stick his head in the sand and marginalize and minimize your woman needs--in which case, I'd say it's time to move on. 

Life is short.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Numb,
> I do think your husband is avoiding you to avoid sex with you. I also think he is just angry - angry about stuff that has nothing to do with you. And his anger, is manifesting itself in a type of emotional abuse. The bit about health insurance is just so raw. You simply would not say something like that to a wife you love.
> 
> Your desire to have a pro/con discussion on news topics is delightful and shows you to be smart and balanced. His caustic response - shutting you down so hard - that is mean.
> ...


I agree that he wont change, although it also would not be fair of me to ask that of him either. Its not who he is or how he was raised. He has a loving family. I just feel i am not given what I need and want. 

I was going to mention to see a counselor to him the other night, but when I brought up I wasnt happy and wanted him to come up that night he said I have karate, and will be home by 10 we can talk then. Of course I was upset but he said I have commited already to be there tonight. I said your marriage is 2nd and always will be. He got mad hung up then got home and was all lovey.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

joevn said:


> I think he, like many men, lacks emotional awareness. We men are not educated on the emotional needs of women. I learned that I'm, by social conditioning, inclined to be less emotional and more in a "management" mode when I deal with people. It's part of what has made me reasonably successful in my career and dealing with others.
> 
> But I've learned (and part of the reasons I'm on these sites) that women in loving relationships see the world differently and have different needs than men. Sure, people are different, but there are commonalities. And one of them is that my wife, like so many other women in relationships, needs to feel emotional closeness to be content and happy.
> 
> ...



I would agree that sometimes women just need to tell men what we want. I understand that and that sometimes you men just really cant read what we are asking for unless its stated. But the issue is more he is gone from tuesday night until saturday afternoon. Our time together is monday nights and saturday from 2or 3 and then all day sunday. Really that is not much time together in my opinion. I have stated this to him before and his response is I have commitments with Karate and need to be there. On the rare occassion I have asked him to stay home, just feeling needy want him home he said i will be home at 10 and see you then. I go to bed at 10:30 as I get up for work at 6:30. Just frustrated with the relationship and yet I stay in because I feel bad for him. I know he loves me, and wants to be with me but his actions speak louder than his words.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Have you told him you are seriously considering a divorce. If you do tell him - you need to be ready - if he falls on his sword and asks for a chance - you need to be able to be very specific regarding what you require. 

You sure talk about karate a lot. One thing I wonder - is he really doing an A plus job of loving you when he is with you? Do you feel loved, desired as a woman? If not, you need to try to address that with him as well. Though I will say that it is almost impossible for a man to change that piece of the puzzle.







numb said:


> I would agree that sometimes women just need to tell men what we want. I understand that and that sometimes you men just really cant read what we are asking for unless its stated. But the issue is more he is gone from tuesday night until saturday afternoon. Our time together is monday nights and saturday from 2or 3 and then all day sunday. Really that is not much time together in my opinion. I have stated this to him before and his response is I have commitments with Karate and need to be there. On the rare occassion I have asked him to stay home, just feeling needy want him home he said i will be home at 10 and see you then. I go to bed at 10:30 as I get up for work at 6:30. Just frustrated with the relationship and yet I stay in because I feel bad for him. I know he loves me, and wants to be with me but his actions speak louder than his words.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Have you told him you are seriously considering a divorce. If you do tell him - you need to be ready - if he falls on his sword and asks for a chance - you need to be able to be very specific regarding what you require.
> 
> You sure talk about karate a lot. One thing I wonder - is he really doing an A plus job of loving you when he is with you? Do you feel loved, desired as a woman? If not, you need to try to address that with him as well. Though I will say that it is almost impossible for a man to change that piece of the puzzle.


Hi Mem
No you are right I have not stated to him seriously that I want out. Yes he will want to work this out as it is his 2nd marriage and my first. I know he will not want to get divorced and will do everything to try to make it work. The issue is we did break up once for a weeks time when we were dating for similar issues to what we have now and he did make changes however now that we are married is right back to the way it was before. It is not fair of me to ask him to change who he is, and how he thinks and feels. I think he does love me however just not sure it’s the love I want and desire. I mean he can be rude to me, for example the health insurance I would never ever say that to someone I love. We don’t have a joint account as he never told me his bills so I didn’t want to have one with him as he said those are my bills so we kept it separate. Now he wants to have one and says he will tell me his bills, but this only came up after we got into an argument about money. 

I guess that was my original question is how I bring this up to him. He thinks that we are fine. He sees nothing wrong with our marriage except the account thing, but that’s just a recent thing that has come up. I think communication is huge here and think maybe counseling would help just not sure how to bring it up or start the conversation as we don’t talk. I know if I just come out and say I am not happy he will instantly get defensive. What is a good way to bring this up so he doesn’t get defensive? Is there a good way?

I think I know more of what I want now then I did 8 years ago when we met. I also feel things I want and desire are not things he can give me, just not who he is or how he was raised.


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## sibrom1 (Nov 21, 2009)

There no need in going to counseling if his heart isn't in it.You are a women,strong women who knows what she wants out of life.You have to be very open to him.Let him know your wants and needs no matter how mad he gets. The best advice a very strong women like you can take is your own.You know the answer to your question, do u want to stay or leave.Listen to your heart.Does it make you happy?


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