# Wifes the one who wants a seperation?



## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Shw wants its but wont leave I dont want it & Im staying,why should I get out when she is the one that wants the space we have kids I work 8 to 5 shes getting a job she has been a sahm,leaves on weekends & I take care of kids ,when I get home from work & when shes gone,I pay all the bills why should I leave my home because she wants a seperation????


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Don't leave. She wants to be single, let her live the single life. But stay put.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

yeah but shes playing the mommy thing to the hilt,but leaves when ever she feels like it,knowing that they are going to be taken care of.I want her to go to get a taste of the real world she has no clue what it takes.just wants me to flip the bill


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Take her credit cards away. Block all her access to money. Stop giving her cash. See what happens.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Since she's come to you and expressed her unhappiness what have you done to make things better? 

You seem to take absolutely no responsibility for the problems in your marriage. I haven't seen you say there's anything you could work on. You complain, complain, complain. Perhaps you're just unintentionally painting yourself in a negative light. If not, "the real world" will be a nice break for your wife.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Take her credit cards away. Block all her access to money. Stop giving her cash. See what happens.


Would you suggest that his wife stop caring for the children, leaves him high and dry without any full time daycare and walks out on her family role as well?

Perhaps his lack of giving her any (real) credit coupled with his inability to see that he plays a roll in the relationship is the problem.

I feel that he should leave the home if his wife wants a separation. It is what would be best for the kids as she is the main caregiver during the 45 hours he's gone (that's if he doesn't have any commute time added in). He's putting her in an impossible situation because she is unhappy but not able to do anything about it because of her love/obligation to the children.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She wants the sep... He wants to stay and work on the marriage. It's not really that complicated. Nobody's perfect but when one is willing to stay and make the effort, and the other person is s not, then the person not willing to make the effort is doing the harm to the children. I disagree that she is in any way putting her children first. Part of being willing to ask for a separation is bearing ALL of the consequences, taking ownership for the harm you are causing to children, and not just go after the "good parts" of the seperation.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Hicks said:


> She wants the sep... *He wants to stay and work on the marriage.* It's not really that complicated. Nobody's perfect but when one is willing to stay and make the effort, and the other person is s not, then the person not willing to make the effort is doing the harm to the children. I disagree that she is in any way putting her children first. Part of being willing to ask for a separation is bearing ALL of the consequences, taking ownership for the harm you are causing to children, and not just go after the "good parts" of the seperation.


He wants to stay and wants HER to work on the marriage. He's staying without making an effort. He blames her (or facebook, or the internet) for everything.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Would you suggest that his wife stop caring for the children, leaves him high and dry without any full time daycare and walks out on her family role as well?
> 
> Perhaps his lack of giving her any (real) credit coupled with his inability to see that he plays a roll in the relationship is the problem.
> 
> I feel that he should leave the home if his wife wants a separation.


This is bad advice, sorry to say Trenton. Do NOT do this without speaking to a lawyer. Too often the man leaving the home is deemed abandonment later. This is sometimes grounds for the man to get hosed in any divorce proceedings that may occur down the road.





> It is what would be best for the kids as she is the main caregiver during the 45 hours he's gone (that's if he doesn't have any commute time added in). He's putting her in an impossible situation because she is unhappy but not able to do anything about it because of her love/obligation to the children.


What is best for the kids does not need to include him getting hosed in whatever divorce might take place, IMO.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I have not read your other posts. But, on the surface, this dilemma seems rather clear to me. Your wife wants the separation, so she should move out. Since you are paying all of the bills, you should stay put. Most people don't fully understand the financial impact of a separation. Your current budget allows your current lifestyle. Stick to your budget! Do you have enough income to maintain two households?

And on a second note, your wife does not put the children as her first priority. A good mother does not leave her children every weekend and nights. It sounds as though she merely dumps them when you get home. What extracurricular activities does your wife currently have going on?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> This is bad advice, sorry to say Trenton. Do NOT do this without speaking to a lawyer. Too often the man leaving the home is deemed abandonment later. This is sometimes grounds for the man to get hosed in any divorce proceedings that may occur down the road.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree: Fully


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

She wants a divorce because he is blaming her for everything and unwilling to consider any thought besides he is this amazing guy and she is unable to appreciate that. Ironically, his position on this is completely ostracizing her.

If things are so great for her why is he the one who wants to stay? Holding financial value over her head is a gross option and one that does not convey love and understanding but rather selfish, ownership and division.

It's not really advice for him so much as me saying that I think he needs to take another look at their relationship and be more supportive of his wife overall. How would cutting her off financially work and how is this fair to her when she is still doing the bulk of the childcare?

I've never been through divorce proceedings but if she were here and not him I would tell her to speak to a lawyer now as well, instead of acting out in rebellion to his lack of support of her as this will be seen negatively by a judge as well.

Is it true that I feel more for her than him since I play a similar role as she does in my own relationship? Yes. I have clear bias here and don't like the fact that much of the advice is to cut her off. I'm doubting he's as innocent as he announces since the wife in this case has done nothing to jeopardize the well being of her children but is instead sending clear messages to her husband that she's had enough.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I have not read your other posts. But, on the surface, this dilemma seems rather clear to me. Your wife wants the separation, so she should move out. Since you are paying all of the bills, you should stay put. Most people don't fully understand the financial impact of a separation. Your current budget allows your current lifestyle. Stick to your budget! Do you have enough income to maintain two households?
> 
> And on a second note, your wife does not put the children as her first priority. A good mother does not leave her children every weekend and nights. It sounds as though she merely dumps them when you get home. What extracurricular activities does your wife currently have going on?


I believe in this case the children are all school age and the wife has done the bulk of the child rearing so that the husband could provide for the family which equates her clearly contributing to the well being of the family as much as he has. The change in dynamic could be because she feels a sense of loss at the children getting older and her sense of worth has gone down because of this same change. She's looking for new ways to value herself and her role in the family. 

This is all conjecture as it usually is on posts like these when we can't get both sides or details. For me, the red flag in his post is that he wants to stay and she wants to leave because it tells me that he is more content in the relationship as it is which means his basic needs are still being met and hers are not. Why should her needs be considered less important or her role over the years in their marriage less valued?


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> He wants to stay and wants HER to work on the marriage. He's staying without making an effort. He blames her (or facebook, or the internet) for everything.


How wrong you are I wanted to go to counciling<ive done everything to try to convince her of my love & support no I dont want her to leave but why should I either IM not like a hands off dad my kids adore me I tuck them in eevrynight read stories you name it. & when the kids are in school shes not taking care of them? we have had a wonderful relationship for a long time till a few months ago Ive got letters written to me to prove that then something happened,dont ask me what did?? lots of things why she had a EA, why is this going on more to it than that Im willing to do anything to keep my family intack.she needs the space so I think she needs to go she can still do her part but Im willing & will do anything but Im not thinking irrationally we are living pay check to paycheck just like everybody else,so no the budget cannot support two households we will lose everything thats the next bad thing thats going to happen.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> How wrong you are


That's great news. I was hoping I was wrong. So what specific issues do you have that you've been working on?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Where is she going on the weekends?

That would be an important tidbit of information if it were me deciding to stay or go.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> How wrong you are I wanted to go to counciling<ive done everything to try to convince her of my love & support no I dont want her to leave but why should I either IM not like a hands off dad my kids adore me I tuck them in eevrynight read stories you name it. & when the kids are in school shes not taking care of them? we have had a wonderful relationship for a long time till a few months ago Ive got letters written to me to prove that then something happened,dont ask me what did?? lots of things why she had a EA, why is this going on more to it than that Im willing to do anything to keep my family intack.she needs the space so I think she needs to go she can still do her part but Im willing & will do anything but Im not thinking irrationally we are living pay check to paycheck just like everybody else,so no the budget cannot support two households we will lose everything thats the next bad thing thats going to happen.


Did you ever think that she was in crisis because of the change to her routine with the kids being in school? Her sense of satisfaction is changing and she might be trying to redefine herself. I'm at a similar time in my life when full time caregiving is over and how you once defined yourself (through your children and their well being) shifts.

The truth is she's not doing it in healthy ways because she's pulling away from you. I'm getting that you actually do want to keep the relationship but are frustrated because you don't know what to do. 

My best suggestion for you is to ask her to sit down and talk. Get a babysitter and go for coffee. Talk about where she sees herself in 10 years. What are her new goals? Why is she so unhappy? What changes can you two take together to get both of you there together? Express your frustration, which is obviously justified here, but do so in a way that includes her rather than excludes her. Threatening her will only push her away.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> How wrong you are I wanted to go to counciling<ive done everything to try to convince her of my love & support


Reading between the lines of your various posts, it seems that while you are ready and willing to work on it, it seems that you have a block on how to effectively do that. The last time I tried to suggest an approach, you freaked out all over me. So I am sensing some defensiveness going on here.

It seems likely that the two of you are stuck in a right fight. You want to work on the marriage, and that is totally cool. But it seems like you aren't really listening to HER. You see her as stay at home mom and think she *should* be happy, feel as terrific as you think you would feel. You think she *should* get off Facebook. I hear a lot of shoulds. Should is a bad marital word. You can't make her want your shoulds.

I am not hearing a bunch about how you have been making deposits into HER love bank. I am not hearing a bunch about you listening to her needs. 

You can complain about all the things she SHOULD do until you are blue. If she doesn't agree/want to do those things, that and a five spot will get you a Starbucks. What you might want to do is 

- Look at any ways that you may have contributed to her distance/moving toward an EA since that is what it sounds like she has been doing. HAVE you been demanding? Not making the deposits in the love bank...

- Take a look at calm effective limit setting in relationships. Going out every weekend and evening and assuming you will take care of everything. Yah that sure doesn't need to be happening. But again, telling her is not going to WORK regardless of how much we may want it to. You will need to learn effective limit setting SKILL that demonstrates your personal boundaries then ENFORCES THEM WITH ACTION.

And if she won't go to counseling, you go. 

Good luck. Sounds like a slog.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Slog is right I dont know whats going on in her head,Ive tried it all,now its just giving space & marriage counciling YOU CANT MAKE somebody love you. so its up to her Im willing.sometimes I just vent & get frustrated.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> Slog is right I dont know whats going on in her head,Ive tried it all,


That is what I am disagreeing with. You HAVEN'T tried it all. You seem not to have tried effective limit setting. You have seemed to ignore anyone who suggests it. You don't seem to have tried listening to HER point of view wrt things like SAHMhood and Facebook.




> now its just giving space & marriage counciling YOU CANT MAKE somebody love you. so its up to her Im willing.sometimes I just vent & get frustrated.


Have you made an appointment with a therapist? No. I doubt it. Have you googled or gone to the library to learn about limits and boundaries in relationships? I doubt it. You want to think you have done "everything". What everything have you tried.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Well lets see,begged bleaded ,bought book his needs her needs read 1/2 so far she hasnt touched it,went to counciling bymyself,then she reluctantly went,have a joint session next week ,next im going to make a doc appointment for myself because ive lost 10 pounds in a month,giving her full openess on what & where she goes no questions asked. the other person has got to try too at least a litttle talked privately been nice everything? only thing she has agreed to was counciling one joint session.I understand about the whole SAHM issue,told her that. read advice about how things could happen & her feelings.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> Well lets see,begged bleaded ,bought book his needs her needs read 1/2 so far she hasnt touched it,went to counciling bymyself,then she reluctantly went,have a joint session next week ,next im going to make a doc appointment for myself because ive lost 10 pounds in a month,giving her full openess on what & where she goes no questions asked. the other person has got to try too at least a litttle talked privately been nice everything? only thing she has agreed to was counciling one joint session.I understand about the whole SAHM issue,told her that. read advice about how things could happen & her feelings.


I am suggesting trying a different tack. Don't be so open. Learn about effective boundaries in relationships.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

yes Im going to "man up" as some have said I should do.sit down & talk about our finacial issues & budget,reality of a divorce. see what happens no fighting just calm adult talk.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I guess I just see things from a different perspective. In some ways I have been in both greg's and his wife's shoes. 



gregj123 said:


> but Im not thinking irrationally we are living pay check to paycheck just like everybody else,so no the budget cannot support two households we will lose everything thats the next bad thing thats going to happen.


Boy, everyone should really think about this one. For those of you not familiar with this concept listen up. When a separation occurs, it means the economy of a family living together is gone. In this case there is one pay check coming in. That means it will be split between two households. Those of you in disbelief, should see what that does to the children's well being. It isn't a pretty picture.




gregj123 said:


> yes Im going to "man up" as some have said I should do.sit down & talk about our finacial issues & budget,reality of a divorce. see what happens no fighting just calm adult talk.


When my estranged husband began acting like your wife, I had that very talk with him. It went completely over his head because by that time he was so far in that "fog" he couldn't even see land. I hope you have more success than I did there.

Also, I really do understand the concept of being a SAHM. I was one for eight years. greg's wife could have found constructive ways to cope with her issues. I found hobbies and even started a business. I didn't turn my back on my family and possibly have affairs. My advice is to keep going to counseling--even if the wife won't go.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Also, I really do understand the concept of being a SAHM. I was one for eight years. greg's wife could have found constructive ways to cope with her issues.


If Mrs. Greg were the one posting, I would be handing her a pretty solid dope slap. I could not agree with you more. Alas she is not the one posting. He is. And again alas, he can only control his own behavior and hope it engenders the response he hopes for.



> My advice is to keep going to counseling--even if the wife won't go.


I agree.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

I am & also going to see a med doctor.


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