# It's killing me



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

Never thinking I could have an affair, I did. I became one of "them". The ones that I called idiots, morons, and more. Now I am one.

When I was caught by my wife, I confessed that I had an emotional affair. No surprise that she was upset, mad, hurt, and more. I failed her, and myself. When she asked if I had any physical contact, I lied and said "no". Why did I say "no"? I could see the hurt I had already caused from calling it strictly an emotional affair. She had said that she wouldn't be able to handle it if I did admit to having physical contact.

She has forgiven me for what she knows, and is helping me recover while she recovers. But I can't forgive myself because of what I know. It's eating me up inside. I'm trying very hard not to lose her after what I did. I'm afraid that if I tell her, I'll lose her and my family. 

I imposed my own boundaries, and I make sure everything I do is transparent. I really don't want to lose her and my family. Yes, I still have feelings for the other woman, but I'm not having any contact at all with her despite the drug addiction like cravings to do so. She has done the same after she learned that we were discovered. I hope these feelings leave soon.

If my wife finds out the whole truth, I'll end up divorced. I can't run to the other woman either. How could she trust a cheater? How could I even show my face?

Anyways, I don't know what to do now. I can continue to hide the whole truth and save my marriage, or I can tell her the whole truth and take what I have coming to me for being an idiot.

I'd like to her some advice primarily from the females in the forum. Would you like to hear the whole truth and watch the marriage end? Or would you be happy knowing only what you were told and that your husband is really sorry for what he did and wants to live the rest of his life with you?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If you are the kind of man that you are portraying yourself as, this is going to eat you up. You will have to tell her.

The sooner the better.


----------



## sadgurl (Sep 22, 2011)

wow! i think you should be honest & tell her the truth because that just isnt fair to her!!! tell her the whole truth! if u loose her at least you were honest & thats what women want no matter what it is, because the truth will eventually come out & you will be left with nothing, just tell her the truth. & if she ends up leaving you then you get what you deserve!(nothing personal i just cant stand liars & cheaters)!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The truth will set you both free. Own this sh~t.
How in the hell do expect to truely heal and have a healthy marriage with this lie?

I would risk the marriage by getting this crap out in the open blowing the lid off of it and exposing everything that represent this affair.

If any thing learn from it and in order to learn from it it *all* has to be adressed. Open this can of worm for what it was and why it was. 

Find the person you *want* to be, find the person you can be by not hidding. From here on out its not what you did to your self but what you can be. So be that person you want to be again and own up and face the consequences and learn from them.

Yes she diserve to know but just as important is what do you know about your self and what you can be in the future with or woth out your wife.

Keeping this monkey on your back will for sure lessen the pain your chick is going through, but what about you, will it make you a better person holding it and going to your grave with this lie?

Do not define your self by keeping this secret, own your choices and be the person you want to be from here on out.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I know I deserve nothing. I even encouraged her to leave me for what she knows. If/When she learns the rest, she will. I've already physically hurt myself, and have a suicide plan all worked out too.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm certainly not a female but I'm a wayward to. How long ago did you get caught? If it's just in the last month or so then as much as I hate to advise you to gamble your marriage I think you should tell her. On the other hand if it has been a significant amount of time I might reconsider my opinion. If you tell her for God's sake tell her the whole truth, don't open the wound again if you're not prepared to give her the whole truth right then and there. Do not make the same mistake twice. I think sadsam is right, I think kept inside the lie will eat you like cancer until you eventually either withdraw emotionally or collapse and tell her - in either case your marriage is in serious jeopardy. 

Most on this site will tell you that a successful reconciliation is not possible without full remorse and accountability by the wayward, and that to have full remorse and accountability the full truth of your affair must be on the table. I am of this opinion myself. 

Remember - bad news is not like wine, it does not get better with age.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Really? a perminate solution to a tempary problem?

Your going to bring this crap down on your parents, sibling, relatives and others that love you b/c you screwed up a marraige.

I suggest you call a hot line right now and get ride of this dumb @ss idea.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

abhorrentme said:


> I know I deserve nothing. I even encouraged her to leave me for what she knows. If/When she learns the rest, she will. I've already physically hurt myself, and have a suicide plan all worked out too.


If this is true you need to get off your computer and get yourself some help - pronto. If it's not true it is drama your using to try to confuse your wife which is counter productive to reconciliation and a pretty big indicator of a lack of remorse and accountability. It's not your place to tell her to leave or stay, that's her decision. It's your place to accept what you did and own it. In and of itself it doesn't make you a bad person, it means you made some bad decisions. The way to overcome bad decisions is to take ownership of them, do what you can to mitigate the damage and learn from them so as not to repeat. 

You know it is possible for a marriage to not only survive an affair but to actually become better than it was before the infidelity. There are a few regulars here who have done exactly that - I'm one of them. Don't despair - the truth will set you free.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I've seen posts on other sites that said "It would have been better if he had died." when it comes to what I did and the impact it has on people. I'm already seeing a counselor.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Pretty sure my wife would disagree with that one - along with everyone here - betrayed spouses included. 

Remember this is the internet, while this particular board is populated mostly with good, intelligent people who genuinely want to help I can find you sites that say Elvis is keeping Hitler's brain alive on a Caribbean island. You've got to process everything you read on these sites and dismiss the obviously ridiculous.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

Okay, say let me share more of the truth so that I can hear what you would do if you heard this:
email, texts, calls discussing all subjects; sharing of nice photos and personal nude photos; met with OW 4 times at different locations, 3 of them overnights; tried have have sex all 4 times, my body did not respond; told her I loved her; told her I was going to divorce; Implied strongly that I wanted to marry her; still have "love" feelings for her.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Have you ever been diagnosed with anything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

Yes, depression is an ongoing battle for me.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You haven't answered how long since D Day. I was in pretty much as deep as you except mine never went PA (physical affair), easily could have if locations had allowed though. The PA difference is certainly significant but I told my AP (affair partner) I love you, we sexted, we sent each other videos. There is a line between telling your W the full truth and tormenting her with details. Don't get me wrong, if she ask for a detail you need to give it, but you shouldn't necessarily volunteer them all. Example - the fact that you met 4 times and tried to have sex she needs to know, the fact that it didn't happen she also needs to know. The fact that you told the OW (other woman) that you loved her she needs to know. She does not necessarily need to know (again unless she ask) that you told the OW you were going to divorce or that you implied you wanted to marry the OW. Like I said there is a line and it's different for everybody and every circumstance. If you go here you have to make sure you have been completely honest about the nature of the relationship and give her any information she wants, but you don't have to unload on her every little detail she doesn't ask for - many betrayed spouses don't want to know every little detail if they feel like they have an honest picture of the affair, others want every little detail in all their gory splendor. You have to let her guide you as to how much detail to give her, but always error on the side of a little too much. 

Regarding still having feelings for your AP, this is why I asked again about how long since D Day. You have a brain chemical addiction, I'll get this wrong to some extent but basically your AP triggers a release of dopamine in your brain which makes your feel awesome. Getting over that addiction manifest itself as feelings of missing and loving your AP - the feelings can be so intense they hurt physically - it did for me. I have to ask a question here - you say repeatedly that you do not want to lose you wife and family but you never say that you love your wife. Do you? If when you rationally think about it you know you do you have to accept that right now your heart is giving you bad info because of the addiction so rely on what your brain knows. If you don't love your wife and just don't want to go through divorce and losing your family - well that's another issue all together. I'm assuming you do love your wife.

Search for threads here about "The Fog" they will help you understand the attachment you still have to the OW. It takes a while to shut those feelings and emotions down and get them out of your head. It's normal - I went through the same thing.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

if you are contemplating S go see your doctor asap and get some meds to get past that issue. Your W deserves the whole truth but make sure your head is on straight before you deliver it to her. She has the right to end the marriage, and if you will have to accept her decision (no matter what she chooses you will both be better off). You are not a bad person, just made a serious mistake - atleast you can recognize it was a mistake, though you will also have to decide if you are even prepared to continue going through all the heavy lifting you will need to do if she chooses to give you another chance.

When my W left after her PAs I always wonder if she took the easy way out thinking it was better for me (the same way the wayward lets the truth only trickle out) - but personally I would much rather have kept my marriage intact and try rebuilding with a remorseful cheater than the double dose of rejection she served me.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I too suffer from major recurrent depression. Since the age of 14 I've had 12 failed suicide attempts and have been hospitalized numerous times. I've been where you are. It can get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

D-Day was not too long ago. I don't want to be more specific than that. Yes, I do love my wife. Although, during the affair I felt that I didn't. Now I realize how much I do love her. Your description of the brain chemicals is spot on. I felt like a 100% person with her in my life. But it wasn't a "real" life like I've had with my wife. Thanks for the "Fog" recommendation.


----------



## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

In theory! Yeah, people will sometimes look back on a lot of pain and think that losing someone through death is easier than infidelity - one OR the other. Criminy, don't do both! You've already done the infidelity, you can't unring that bell. Offing yourself will compound it with the grief of death/suicide. You'll escape your pain, but you will put all of that pain of infidelity plus about 1,000 pounds of pain and guilt and rage onto your wife and your children (not sure if there are children involved).


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I don't think I would do it. I don't have "what it takes". I had a dream that I did kill myself. In it I was gone, but the pain never left. I was an outsider looking in while still having the pain.


----------



## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

I haven't read the other responses, but wanted to offer my opinion, as a woman and a betrayed wife.

My H had an affair. It's a long, detailed story, but when I didn't have all the necessary information about his affair (thought it was EA only), there was a definite wedge between us. It's as if the secret created a wall to intimacy and connection. Now that it's in the open, we are much more connected. 

I am hurt beyond belief and still don't know if I can overcome the magnitude of the betrayal, but I'm so very grateful to know the full truth. I'm grateful that I have the ability to make decisions about my future knowing the whole story. I'm doing my best to forgive him, and if we make it through this, I know we'll have a marriage with much better intimacy than when he held his secret to himself.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

If you both are going to recover from your affair, you need to tell her the 100% truth of what happened. Doesn't she deserve the full truth.

If you do lose her at least you were honest. You will have to face the consequences of your actions and if that means loosing your wife, then it does. Man up.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

Something else I wanted to ask others about. When my wife found out and we talked, she had mentioned to me that she herself had two "near" events in the past. Is it possible that she is being so nice to me because she did something similar in the past and didn't tell me because of my depression, and similar fears that I have? If so, this in no way excuses me from what I did.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Interesting, cheating is like icebergs there is always more to it then what appears.
Bottom line here is you have a promblematic marriage even before the both of you cheated, its my take the cheating is a by product of a troubled marriage, not the cause.

Putting yours and hers cheating a side what is the underlying problem in the marriage?


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

She said she never did do anything. It beats me what the problem is. I never thought we had a big problem. There must be needs we have that we aren't getting satisfied, and haven't told the other about the needs. I didn't even know I had a need!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Come on dude, you cheated, somethings is missing in your M and the both of you need to get some MC and get to the bottom of it, or one of you will cheat again.
MC might be a good avenue to get it "all" out


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I know I cheated. I still don't understand why I did. We plan to go to MC.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You cheated b/c your W is not giving you the ego boost that all men need.

That a few other things should be brought up at MC.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

If she finds out about the PA on her own (and she probably will), your marriage will be over for sure because she will not be able to trust that she knows the whole thing. If she finds out from you on your own, she may divorce you but she may not, because at least she will feel she knows the whole story. Also, telling her on your own is showing true remorse, and that matters. It also is a big step in earning her trust back.

Tell her right now about the PA.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

the guy said:


> You cheated b/c your W is not giving you the ego boost that all men need.
> 
> That a few other things should be brought up at MC.


You sound a little more advanced in your thinking than to lead with male entitlement to prevent cheating so I won't go there. 

Please do tell her. You will never have true intimacy if you don't. Marriages do survive infidelity and although people say they will divorce there is no telling what they will do once faced with the reality. With full exposure the feeling for the OW will dissipate. The fog is easy to maintain now because it is a secret and secrets are enticing. If you carry on this lie she will find it more difficult to reconcile. 

Something is wrong in your marriage if she has had a close call and you have cheated. You may be pushing down your feelings because you think that's what men do. If you face them and really connect with your feeling you will be happier and you connection with your wife will be authentic. 

Be brave and tell her ASAP. Don't let this be a false recovery it will nit work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

If you lose your marriage it is because you are a ****ing liar and not a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Right now you are proving to your wife that you are not on her side.. you are on the OWs side. Ever think of that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> When she asked if I had any physical contact, I lied and said "no". *Why did I say "no"? I could see the hurt I had already caused* from calling it strictly an emotional affair. She had said that she wouldn't be able to handle it if I did admit to having physical contact.


This is standard garbage that comes out of a waywards mouth after being caught , an excuse to continue lying.



> *She has forgiven me for what she knows*, and is helping me recover while she recovers


You think ? Forgiveness is earned and you are by no way near earning this. 



> If my wife finds out the whole truth, I'll end up divorced.


Maybe, thats her decision not yours. 

Once again you are manipulating your marriage. You have an affair to satisfy yourself, did you give your wife a choice?
You are now lying to your wife about having sex with another woman , exposing her to STDs , the risk the OW has your child, the bigger risk the OW tells everyone about your cheating ways and your wife finds out when* she thinks* the marriage has recovered.

Tough words, would you like it diluted - Try practising radical honesty. 

This is the only way your marriage may stand a chance of recovery. 

If your wife decides to leave you that is her choice based on your bad decisions and poor boundaries. 

MC is a waste of time while you are lying to your wife, start today and tell her the whole truth .


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You've been selfish by cheating on your wife
You've been selfish by not coming clean on the whole truth
You've been selfish by allowing your wife to operate and consider R under false pretenses
You've been selfish by not taking the hard path and opting for pure self-indulgence instead each time you have a decision to make
You've been selfish by wallowing in self-pity instead of correcting your poor decisions
You've been selfish by wanting to take the easy way out by suicide



If you really want help
If you really want to be a better person
If you really wish to atone for your actions
If you really love your wife....

Then stop being so goddamned selfish

Tell the truth and let her decide what's best for herself
Don't try to soften the truth
Don't try to shift blame
Stop being afraid of hurting her because you already have done that and by continuing to lie you're hurting even more in the long run


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

if you think she won't find out you are deluding yourself when she does she will divorce you . only hope is to be honest . And don't trickle truth like you did to her and us. I know this is scary. But you didn't mind risking her before you got nabbed. You don't care about your wife or the ow. You are too selfish. Be honest with yourself and her. And expect her not to distinguish between almost and all the way. The intent was there. That is, if you actually failed 3x which is difficult to believe. You penetrated for sure. She will contact ow the more she thinks and questions. You don't have a choice but to tell all. Now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

girlfromipanema said:


> I haven't read the other responses, but wanted to offer my opinion, as a woman and a betrayed wife.
> 
> My H had an affair. It's a long, detailed story, but when I didn't have all the necessary information about his affair (thought it was EA only), there was a definite wedge between us. It's as if the secret created a wall to intimacy and connection. Now that it's in the open, we are much more connected.
> 
> I am hurt beyond belief and still don't know if I can overcome the magnitude of the betrayal, but I'm so very grateful to know the full truth. I'm grateful that I have the ability to make decisions about my future knowing the whole story. I'm doing my best to forgive him, and if we make it through this, I know we'll have a marriage with much better intimacy than when he held his secret to himself.


As the spouse that was cheated on, I can tell you that it will hurt your W initially to tell her the whole truth, but as most everyone else has said, your W deserves the truth. When my H pulled all his sh*t, trickle truth was happening and it tore me up to find out little bits and pieces over time. It was BS! Every freaking time I turned around there was something else... When was it gonna end, when was the whole truth going to come out? What else was going on, etc., etc., etc... You get the picture. If your M ends because of this, it ends. If it doesn't, your marriage could very well become stronger.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell your wife the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. A lie by ommission is STILL a lie. The fact she told you to come clean and you only told her a smidgen set you waaay back. So today, sit her down and tell her you need to tell her something. And lay out all y9our cards on the table. Answer all the questions she has. Every single one of them. Don't lie. It makes this all 20x worse. You said she caught you meaning you didn't tell her you cheated yourself. That is the worst way to find out, IMO. Respect her enough to tell the truth.

You are "afraid" of losing her and your family so you have chosen not to tell her--that in and of itself is SO selfish. You are only thinking about how you can protect yourself. Be a man and have the decency to tell her everything she ask s and actually OWN what you did. 

You said there were overnights with the OW. How? Do you travel on business? What did your wife say about the nights you did not spend at home?



abhorrentme said:


> She has forgiven me for what she knows, and is helping me recover while she recovers. But I can't forgive myself because of what I know. It's eating me up inside.


That's because you know you haven't been honest with her. So be honest. Don't you owe that to her? She is the one who's been with you through everything. 



abhorrentme said:


> If my wife finds out the whole truth, I'll end up divorced.


If you end up divorced, it will be based on the TRUTH and not lies. So tell her. You may get divorced, you may not. 

I can't run to the other woman either. How could she trust a cheater? How could I even show my face? [/QUOTE]

Au contraire, how can YOU trust HER? You already know she is capable and willing to participate in the betrayal of a marriage and family no matter the damage it may cause. You guys would never trust eachother because you know what you both did. 



abhorrentme said:


> I know I cheated. I still don't understand why I did. We plan to go to MC.


You said you don't know why you did this...yes you do. You did it for the simple reason that you WANTED to. Own that.

Don't go to MC with your wife and waste her time and the counselor's time if you are still lying to her. There is nothing to work on if you can't even tell her the truth about what happened. It's a farce, going to marriage counselling, and holding onto such a huge lie. TELL HER. Yes, the truth will hurt, but being lied to and played for a fool is MUCH worse.

And if it sounds like I am being harsh, I am, but that is so you can see the gravity of what you've done. Without owning it, you are still lying. Without telling her what you did, you're still lying. I tell you all of this as someone who cheated.


----------



## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

abhorrentme said:


> I know I deserve nothing. I even encouraged her to leave me for what she knows. If/When she learns the rest, she will. I've already physically hurt myself, and have a suicide plan all worked out too.


Your telling her that she should leave you. Then you know you deserve what you get. Why have you not told her the truth? If you think she should leave you for what you've done give her the whole truth and let her make her choice.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I appreciate everyone's feedback and honesty. I did this to myself. I have to tell her the whole truth and take what's coming to me. Yes, I'm scared, afraid, and sorry for what I did. I can't take it back. I know that I will likely lose my wife, my family, and possibly my job due to a lack of ethics. I've already lost my self respect. I'll likely end up broke and homeless. After decades of making good decisions, I made the worst decision of my life. It's time to make a good one and tell the whole truth. Please pray for my wife and family.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Don't go into this assuming everything is going to fail. People screw up every day - it's part of being human. How we handle it and deal with it after we screw up is what defines us. Should you have told her the full truth the first time - yes, but at least you are now. You should be scared, afraid and sorry, but you shouldn't assume you will lose everything. Fight for it man - be sorry - be repentant - do what your wife needs - even if that's separation - but fight for what's important to you dammit. By telling her the truth you are taking the first step to fighting for her and your marriage so don't take that first step assuming you are going to stumble on it.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I have a history of accepting failure. It comes with the depression and low self-esteem. It's going to be hard to fight for something that I feel I don't deserve, and never really felt that worthy of having.


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I do wish you good luck. If you love her, hang in there.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So when are you going to tell her? The longer you drag this out, the worse off for both of you.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I do love her. I want her for the rest of my life. I have completely cut off all communications with the OW. I have imposed strict boundaries on myself. I have stayed away from opportunities to travel on business. I try to be with my wife every minute I can. My phone, emails, texts are wide open to see at any time. I'm gone from all Internet social sites like Facebook, etc. All of this without her knowing the whole truth. It's all meaningless until she knows it all.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When are you going to tell her?


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

As soon as I can make sure we are home alone. I'm thinking late Friday or early Saturday so that she, and I, are not going to work the next day with this so fresh. Is this a good idea, or bad?


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I know I'm guilty. She knows it. The affair is over in every way.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She only knows what you told her. Stop playing her for a fool an be a man and own what you did.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I said I was going to. I need it to be when we are alone at home, and on a day that is not followed by a workday so that she can be functional at her job. 

I was asking your opinion about the timing and respecting her need to think, talk, react, and everything else without having to take it so fresh to work with her and end up crying in front of others.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry. I did see where you said you will do it Fri or Sat. Yes, it's prob a good idea to do it w/o work the following day, though going to work may help uncloud the mind a lil bit if that makes sense. 

My H told me the night before a massive exam. I failed it. GRRR! Not only was I taking the exam through tears and later pissed I failed it, I then had to see him later w/ tears streaming down my face. I wanted to shank him, hug him, and kick him at the same time. Gah.


----------



## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Just tell her, get it out. And be prepared to tell the whole truth and answer all her questions.

Then prepare yourself for months of pain, at the end of which you may still have a marriage but at the very least you will have made a total **** up of it, but have told the truth and held your hands up. EVERYONE makes mistakes, the difference is in how you handle it


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I know there is no "good" time. But there are "better" times to do it.

I'm sorry you learned the way you did.


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Oh boy, this is not easy. Well I'm going to take a different approach toward this. I'm not going to cuss at you or call you names, use foul language it is not necessary and does not get anything accomplished. Were human and we ALL make mistakes, the only thing that sets us apart as a people are our mistakes and accomplishments. I'm glad you came here because you know you did something wrong and your trying to figure out how to fix it and for that you have my empathy and support, the fact that you feel guilty and actually show remorse is a good thing but your only half way there. There are only few options and here there are.

1.) You don't tell her, but the guilt will eat you up inside and you will always have to worry about if and when she finds out then you have to deal with heavier consequences.

2.) You do tell her, you make sure she doesn't have plans, you sit her down turn off your phones, make sure no can interrupt either of you. Look into her eyes tell her that there is something’s you need to talk to her about and please let you finish what you have to say. Gently try to brace her for it, "This isn't easy and you’re not going to like this but I want to be honest with you and I don't want to lie anymore." After you finish telling her everything, (And this is important) tell her how you feel and that you love her, tell her your fears and your concerns, and why you didn't tell her at first, and why you’re telling her now. She will be hurt, upset, sad, and most of all confused.

3.) After you finish, wait for her reaction, she might scream, or cry, do all kinds of things, watch her body language, and if she seems really upset and possibly hostile (understandably so) it may be best to offer to leave for a few days to let her digest everything. (Before you sit her down to talk be prepared to be kicked out or offer to leave for a few days already have a few bags packed ahead of time look around for a motel or hotel, or stay at a friend’s house nearby and tell her where you are at. After that all you can do is cross your fingers and wait.

I hope things work out for you two, but it is her choice to decide if she wants to stay. Go to IC on your own, now whether or not she decides to go to MC with you is up to her but at least go to IC counseling just for yourself. And as for telling her, I think it may be a good idea to tell her Friday evening, get it out the way at least she will have a few days to let everything you told her to start to sink in. Good luck to the both of you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RWB said:


> JB, I felt like I was in church and you were preaching the gospel from on high.


Hehe. 

Do speaketh the truth to your wife and the truth shall set you free!


----------



## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

My H told me the whole truth that horrible night. I felt like I had been hit by a bus, but he told me the whole truth. It was so hard to hear, but I felt he was totally honest. We had a few setbacks, but we continue to be on the right path. You have to be totally honest to survive!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

Krismimo, thank you for the comments and advice. I have no friends to go to. I can't go to family as well due to the shame. I truly hope I can do this and actually tell her. She deserves to know so she can stop wondering if anything else happened. She is being so kind to me right now, and I know I don't deserve it. My adult kids will never forgive me for hurting their mom. I earned what I get.


----------



## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

i'm not one to push buttons but you did talk of suicide in a thread on the divorce boards. If you feel that way, seek help. There is plenty out there who are not only willing but eager to assist. 

However, I have to wonder if there is a bit of attention grandstanding going on as well?

Q~


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

No grandstanding at all. I wish I was. I am already seeing a counselor (again!!!) for my depression and low self-esteem. This is part of my fear for her reaction when I tell her the whole truth. Will her reaction make me feel the lowest I've ever felt and I end up actually killing myself?


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

You can do it, it won't be easy, your doing this for her just remember that because she needs to know. I think telling her during the weekend would be a good idea besides you know her better than any of us, we can't tell you that only you know for sure. That is good that your already going to IC already. It's not an easy thing to tell your spouse something that will hurt them, and people are not listening just back off he already said he will tell her this weekend, that away you have time to figure out what you want to say to her and how and if you just decide to tell her sooner, than the choice is up to you. I think your doing the right thin by telling her. Again good luck, I'm not here to judge you I don't have the right to judge anyone, just hope to push you in the right direction.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Abhorrent--killing yourself isn't going to solve the problems within your marriage.

Seriously. I imagine you have children? Think about them. They need their father. 

Continue to go to your counselling, therapy, get on anti-depressants if you need to and work THROUGH this. And tell your wife everything. The guilt is killing you. Guilt is a motherf-cker. Set yourself free by telling her the truth. She deserves the truth.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

The other night my wife said that she was glad to hear that it was not a PA, because she wouldn't be able to take hearing that. I just cried and apologized for hurting her, disappointing her, and disappointing myself. She said that she would not be able to financially live on her own, and would end up broke, homeless, and not loved if we divorced. She cried really hard at the thought of it.

We've been doing so well since she found out about the EA part. The passion is there, both of us have expressed our desire to stay with each other as we vowed our wedding day. We are back to loving each other. 

And now I am going to ruin all of that tonight, assuming I have the guts to do it now. I really want if off of my chest. But I know now that it will end my marriage. I'm a mental wreck. No more marriage, my adult kids will disown me, ashamed to show my face in public, homeless, and broke. I'm an idiot!!!


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

STOP thinking of yourself and what may or may not happen if you reveal the whole truth to your wife. You OWE her total honesty so she can decide whether or not to continue married to you. Be a man and face the consequences of your actions.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It's been almost 5 months since I found out about my husbands affair. He was trying to end it before I caught him...Nothing has gotten better for us, though I now know he would crawl through glass for me. My marriage would be nothing short of being better than it was before. The next women will be treated like a queen. I know I am losing a lot... I also know every detail of the affair. And to be completely honest, I wish I knew none of it, because the affair itself ate him alive, that in was enough for him to change and work on himself, privately... 

Knowing the PA part of the affair has destroyed a 30 year marriage, if I hadn't known all, maybe we would have another 30. 

~sammy


----------



## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

Sammy3... I am so sorry, I came on this board and I read and read and I felt like you and I had a lot in common so I was so sad to read that it was heading for D. 

It has now been almosty 3 months on the 13th and he is doing all the right things, I think but I feel like it's gone and I won't get it back. I am so sad. On D-Day it changed me in so many ways...ways I never realized. I had a friend ask me last week hey whats up you are not your self you were always so happy and optimistic....unfortunatly that is what I am for now....I can't see it, I was told don't make any decisons and wait...but I don't know...

I too know every detail of the affair and it hurts to the depths of my soul. I was hoping you would make it and then I might as well...sounds stupid I know. I had been left alone for so long with his schedule and all this is so much work....can't seem to get over the fact that he was friends with her since she was 19, she is now 25 the ea went physical last October, before that it was just hand holding and kissed...why do I keep bringing it up, cause I can't forget, can't forget that I was with him for 20 years and he was with a girl that was 16 years younger than him..... thanks for letting me vent and I am truly, truly sorry Sammy3 that it didn't work....


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you tell her?


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

I did. It's over. She and the family never want to see me again. I live in my truck, until it gets repossessed since I don't have access to any money or credit cards to make a payment. I have a few pieces of clothing, and a little cash on me to survive a few days. But I can't buy any gas if I want to eat. I go to work, but I'll never see anything I earn since it goes into an account that I can't get to anymore. Stopping that process takes two weeks. I don't have that much time or money. I've been told that I'm likely to get fired soon for not having clean and ironed clothes. I'm here now. Everyone is avoiding me.

I'm going to save enough gas to drop the truck off at the house in the middle of the night so that it can be used by someone else, sold, or repossessed with no problems. After I drop it off, I'll start walking towards the desert and see how far I get by using rest stops along the way. I have no destination. I don't have a plan, or a desire to make one.

Thanks to those who helped me at least tell the truth. It's quitting time now, so I won't be back. I wish the best for everyone here. 

Bye


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Good luck aborrentme. Maybe you can check in from time to time. I admire what you did it wasn't easy but at least it is out in the open. I hope that one day maybe you two can work it out, if not maybe in time she will heal. Good Luck Aborrentme.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

abhorrentme said:


> I did. It's over. She and the family never want to see me again. I live in my truck, until it gets repossessed since I don't have access to any money or credit cards to make a payment. I have a few pieces of clothing, and a little cash on me to survive a few days. But I can't buy any gas if I want to eat. I go to work, but I'll never see anything I earn since it goes into an account that I can't get to anymore. Stopping that process takes two weeks. I don't have that much time or money. I've been told that I'm likely to get fired soon for not having clean and ironed clothes. I'm here now. Everyone is avoiding me.
> 
> I'm going to save enough gas to drop the truck off at the house in the middle of the night so that it can be used by someone else, sold, or repossessed with no problems. After I drop it off, I'll start walking towards the desert and see how far I get by using rest stops along the way. I have no destination. I don't have a plan, or a desire to make one.
> 
> ...


I have no idea what country you live in but here in the States, you have equal access to all funds. You are employed and your paycheck goes in to a checking account. Walk in to the bank and withdraw half the funds. Can't access credit cards? Impossible unless she physically has them and even then you can have the credit card company send you an additional one. Car being repossessed? You mentioned in another post that you have retirement savings. Sounds like a 401K to me and yes, you can borrow against that. You can go to a laundromat to wash your clothing and they have irons there as well, hence keeping your job. You have access to the internet so you are able to find resources to help you. Men's shelters, etc. You plan on killing yourself by walking out in to the desert and counting on your life insurance to pay your family? That is suicide and insurance companies do not pay in those situations.
Something here smells wrong.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Something here smells wrong.


A mysterious ending one which we may never know all the facts behind it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not so mysterious, he's pulling the old "woe is me" crap instead of facing his problem that he created


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Perhaps you're right about that AR - let's hope that is the case. Still when it comes to facing the flood of emotions from infidelity, some people do react rather extremely to it i.e. suicide.


----------



## abhorrentme (Sep 16, 2011)

My update

I'm here in a library using a public computer to try and find a job. I won't say where I'm at, but it is not the state I lived in. I am homeless, and broke. I am able to survive like others using a sign asking for help. It's enough to eat a little each day. I haven't found a job because I can't list an address. There are no shelters where I am at. Staying clean is a challenge. The police have told me the rules and what they expect from a transient like me. They put my information in their files.

On the last day of my job, I was escorted out. Before I left, I provided documentation to send any remaining pay, pension account rights, and power of attorney to my wife. That night, I drove the truck to the house, and left the keys in a spot where she would find them easily. I then started my long walk out of state. I used rest areas to get a drink, clean up, and sleep when I was allowed. Food was, and still is, a problem.

The day I told her everything, I handed over everything in my wallet, except the little cash I had and my drivers license. I gave her everything. I felt that she at least deserved what I could give her to help her and the kids survive. The house will be paid for, and the debts are minimal. Her job pays well too. She will be financially fine. Emotionally, I ruined her and my kids.

If I can't find a job soon, I'll have to start walking again soon before winter really starts. 

I'm not looking for sympathy, and don't want it. I failed, and I have to pay my dues as I see fit. I will not kill myself since that would deny my family the life insurance money. I willingly sacrificed everything good in my life for a false love. I am ashamed of what I did, and I will never forgive myself.

I have no plans on starting over. I'll do nothing more than what it takes to survive. I will refrain from having any friendships if such an opportunity comes my way. I can't stand that thought of possibly hurting more people emotionally. 

I hope to find where contact with other people is almost nil, and the pay is enough to buy food and rent a room a few days a week. 

My online time is up.


----------



## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

abhorrentme said:


> I've never liked myself, yet I got married and had kids. Why? I'm a moron! So now that I'm in a midlife crisis, I get the best of both worlds - self hate, and a screwed up mind. (Yes, yes yes!!! I've done more medication and therapy for more than half of my long life). So what did I do? I had an affair of course! Never planned on it! Never thought I was the type! I always called the ones that did "idiots"! Now I get to look in the mirror to see one every remaining day of my life. I tried very hard for many years to get my wife to leave me and find someone normal long before before I began the affair. But she never did. So now she learns of my affair, and then tells me she almost had one but stopped it. She should have kept going! She could have taken the upgrade without a word from me! I'm not mad at her for doing that! I'm mad that she didn't do it all the way! Why won't she see what a loser I am and leave me!!! She can have everything! After all, I hurt everyone involved in my life and the affair. I deserve nothing! Even with the affair, she won't leave me! WHY!!!?
> 
> I ruined her life by driving her friends away over the years. I had two friends (all time high!). I saved them from me by cutting myself out of their circles. They didn't care. After all, who wants a loser as a friend?
> 
> ...


The above is AR's post from the thread he started about a week before this one. Seems he needs more help than we can provide. I hope he gets it.


----------

