# Found pictures on husbands phone



## J.doe1

No I wasn't snooping. Here's the situation. I very recently got married to a wonderful man that I love with all my heart. We have an awesome relationship with lots of love and passion. We have a long distance marriage at the moment because of his career. I went to visit him for a week and things were going great until the last day. I asked him for his phone so I could send the pictures we took to my phone. He had just gotten this phone and I guess didn't realize that some photos from his google drive backed up onto it. So when I looked at the pictures I immediately saw several snapchats from the same woman. None do them were too provocative but some did have her with a lot of cleavage showing and short shorts. 

I scrolled down some more and saw about a dozen nude pictures of various women, presumably girls that he doesn't know. So of course I immediately freaked out and asked what he was doing with these pictures. He told me that his old phone sometimes would save pictures from snapchat and twitter without him knowing. Well I'm not an idiot so I didn't believe that explanation. I was visibly upset and didn't really want to be near him after that. He apologized and told me it wouldn't happen again and I forgave him. 

The next day after I went back home I started feeling really sick and disgusted by the whole thing and brought the conversation up again. I asked him why he would need to even be viewing these things if I was enough for him? He never really gave me a straight answer. He just told me he would never do it again and that he loves me. He's also afraid that I won't look at him the same way I did before. 

This might not have been the right thing to do, but I asked him for his passwords to social media and he told me I could delete anything or anyone I didn't like, so I did delete some women. So now I'm stuck trying to figure out how I should feel about this. I feel really hurt and kind of disgusted that he would look at other women like that. It's making me feel a little crazy. A lot of people say it's a male thing and it's natural for them to look at other women. I'm sorry but that's not good enough. Noticing (fully clothed) attractive women in public or on tv is perfectly acceptable, but there's no reason any happily married man should be looking at any naked woman other than his wife behind her back. 

I can tell he's truly sorry about it and meant no harm to me. I also know he loves me just as much as I love him. But it's still hard for me to stop thinking about it. We are going to finally move in together around the end of next month. I'm fairly young and new to marriage, so I guess I just want to seek out advice from other people who have insight to this kind of thing. I want to move on from it but how can I be sure this won't happen again? Or worse, that it won't escalate to even worse behavior?


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## Adeline

ok hmmmm... so his explanation was that his old phone would save pics from snapchat and twitter without him knowing, so therefore his new phone must be too? Even if that were true, that still doesn't take away the fact that he is still RECEIVING these types of naked photos through snap chat and twitter, accidently saved or not... I mean, right? So why are people sending him these things in the first place... did you ask him that? Is he just chatting to random people and sending nudes back and forth? Or are these people he knows?

I don't necessarily want to make this a debate about porn, but in my opinion porn and receiving naked pics directly from someone are two different things. I would not be ok with the latter at all, which is what your husband seems to be doing.


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## CluelessWif

Ah, here it depends. Was it pornography or selfies by ametures? I will tell you that if it was porn it has nothing to do with you being "enough." That is not the way it works. Unless you are going to be physically available every single time he is horny, he is going to masterbate. Many men started masterbating with imagery (due to the fact that men are more visual) and typically continue. 

Now if these are selfies from real women to him then that is a whole different story.


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## J.doe1

Adeline said:


> ok hmmmm... so his explanation was that his old phone would save pics from snapchat and twitter without him knowing, so therefore his new phone must be too? Even if that were true, that still doesn't take away the fact that he is still RECEIVING these types of naked photos through snap chat and twitter, accidently saved or not... I mean, right? So why are people sending him these things in the first place... did you ask him that? Is he just chatting to random people and sending nudes back and forth? Or are these people he knows?
> 
> I don't necessarily want to make this a debate about porn, but in my opinion porn and receiving naked pics directly from someone are two different things. I would not be ok with the latter at all, which is what your husband seems to be doing.


To clarify, the naked photos were women he didn't know. I don't know where he found the pictures, I guess browsing online. His explanation was that the photos somehow saved from his twitter feed, which sounds like bs. The girl from snapchat was the only one he knew. He had about 6 pictures of her, none of which were nudes. He told me that she sent them to a whole group of people, which I believe. What concerns me is that they were saved on his phone. I know he's not talking to her in that kind of a way, but why save them?

He had just gotten that phone a few days before. He must've saved all those pictures previously on his old phone, deleted them before I visited but didn't realize they saved onto his google drive. Then when he got his new phone, google drive loaded the old pictures onto his new phone. I hope this makes sense!


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## J.doe1

CluelessWif said:


> Ah, here it depends. Was it pornography or selfies by ametures? I will tell you that if it was porn it has nothing to do with you being "enough." That is not the way it works. Unless you are going to be physically available every single time he is horny, he is going to masterbate. Many men started masterbating with imagery (due to the fact that men are more visual) and typically continue.
> 
> Now if these are selfies from real women to him then that is a whole different story.


No they weren't like professional porn. I know he's looked at porn before (who hasn't?). Honestly I wouldn't have really been upset if that was the case. But these were like normal looking girls. I'm not sure how to explain it. I know for a fact that he's not talking to any of these women and he doesn't know them, but the fact that he's looking at and saving pictures of so many naked women is what bothers and concerns me. That plus the fact that he saved several pictures of a girl he DOES know, granted they were not sexual.


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## Adeline

hmmmmm. I definitely would be slightly uncomfortable with the pics saved of the chick he knows... mainly because I thought the whole point of snapchat was so the pic you send only appears on the other person's phone for like 10 seconds or something? Pretty sure you have to manually save it before it disappears.

As far as the other pics... are you able to see who he follows on twitter? I know porn stars, even amateur ones, have twitters and post pics like that... you could see if that is where he is getting the pics and if they match. If not, then he may have some more explaining to do.


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## J.doe1

Adeline said:


> hmmmmm. I definitely would be slightly uncomfortable with the pics saved of the chick he knows... mainly because I thought the whole point of snapchat was so the pic you send only appears on the other person's phone for like 10 seconds or something? Pretty sure you have to manually save it before it disappears.
> 
> As far as the other pics... are you able to see who he follows on twitter? I know porn stars, even amateur ones, have twitters and post pics like that... you could see if that is where he is getting the pics and if they match. If not, then he may have some more explaining to do.


Yes you have to actually take a screenshot of the pictures to save them on snapchat. So I know he deliberately saved them. 

I did go on his twitter and he wasn't following any kind of porn or sexual twitters. He might have deleted them before giving me his password, but I think it's more likely he found the pictures after searching on the internet. I've tried to ask him but he didn't give me an explanation as to where the pictures were from or why he was looking at them in the first place. I know that he thinks I'm overreacting, although he would never say that to me. Maybe I am overreacting, I don't know. But it just doesn't seem right to me. I know he's probably embarrassed about it, and so am I so I would never even be able to talk to friends about this. Which is why I'm on this forum. :/


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## murphy5

J.doe1 said:


> To clarify, the naked photos were women he didn't know. I don't know where he found the pictures, I guess browsing online. !



wait, there are naked pictures? of women? On the internet???

oh my


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## richie33

Long distance marriage and you are newly weds....not a good combo. You say you were not snooping then you say you know for a fact that he is not talking to these women. How would you know if you weren't keeping a very close eye on him?


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## lifeistooshort

How did men manage before they could get naked pictures on their phones and computers? Clearly it's so important to their survival that I don't see how they managed for thousands of years. Just sayin  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

lifeistooshort said:


> How did men manage before they could get naked pictures on their phones and computers? Clearly it's so important to their survival that I don't see how they managed for thousands of years. Just sayin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


stripclubs?


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## lifeistooshort

aug said:


> stripclubs?


Hmm, I wonder what cave women used for a pole?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright

lifeistooshort said:


> How did men manage before they could get naked pictures on their phones and computers? Clearly it's so important to their survival that I don't see how they managed for thousands of years. Just sayin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


there are lots of cave drawings of naked women....porn was invented around the same time as fire and the spear


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## aug

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm, I wonder what cave women used for a pole?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The bra wasnt invented then. No underpants either. And big clubs. So, those help.


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## Theseus

J.doe1 said:


> I feel really hurt and kind of disgusted that he would look at other women like that. It's making me feel a little crazy. A lot of people say it's a male thing and it's natural for them to look at other women. I'm sorry but that's not good enough. Noticing (fully clothed) attractive women in public or on tv is perfectly acceptable, but there's no reason any happily married man should be looking at any naked woman other than his wife behind her back.


So for the rest of your married life, lets say 50-60 years or so, you really expect him to never have a desire to see other naked women? No reason, huh?

Right. 

Holy cow, these weren't people he knew. I don't think you have a realistic view of men or marriage. And I foresee a lot of frustration and a lot of arguments, as you enter your wedded life by insisting on passwords and deleting anything you don't like. You are not off to a good start.

BTW, I highly recommend you never go to the art museum with him!


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## Theseus

lifeistooshort said:


> How did men manage before they could get naked pictures on their phones and computers? Clearly it's so important to their survival that I don't see how they managed for thousands of years. Just sayin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For the longest time, there were nudie magazines. When I was growing up, every boy I knew had a stash of them somewhere. Before that? I suppose men relied on burlesque shows and looking at Reubens paintings...


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## 4x4

A long distance relationship means he's going to have to take care of his own needs while you are apart. It sounds like you just found his "personal collection". If your communication with your spouse isn't super duper open and free about sex he may have felt embarrassed you stumbled upon it. Which sounds possible since he not talking about it and he gave you his passwords and offered you to remove anything you found offensive.

Personally, I would only have a problem if my partner was holding onto images of their ex's. That's too way too personal and not just "imagery". Otherwise, I wouldn't read to much into what someone is viewing in that manner. You may not be seeing what they do about any particular image or porn in general.

Talk it out and come back here if you need more help!


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## Catherine602

OP If this is a problem for you, it's a problem for both of you. You said that you look at your husband differently now. That cannot be taken lightly. You need to take time to set your mind at rest and depend upon your husband to help you deal with this. I would not worry about over-reacting. 

You can swash your feeling down to meet random standards but that will not work. It is possible that this will have longterm effects on your marriage. "Get over it" is not the thing to do or say. Decide on what you need to maintain your respect for your husband. Then talk together and let him know. Tell him you need to be free to ask question that you need frank and honest answers.

Let him know that not answering your question will get him a short term gain of avoidance but he will have to deal with your feelings in other more difficult to fix ways. I would be upset if my husband kept nude pics of women on his phone. First of all, we have children that may come across them, secondly, I have no desire to come across them. 

However, even when you are married and live with each other, you want space for privacy. You have to trust that you have not been deceived about who the person you married is. Do you think in time that you can accept that your husband will have private time and engage in solo activities? Not things that would hurt you or endanger the relationship and not secrets. If you can aim for that, it will help to move forwards.


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## Catherine602

Theseus said:


> So for the rest of your married life, lets say 50-60 years or so, you really expect him to never have a desire to see other naked women? No reason, huh?
> 
> Right.
> 
> Holy cow, these weren't people he knew. I don't think you have a realistic view of men or marriage. And I foresee a lot of frustration and a lot of arguments, as you enter your wedded life by insisting on passwords and deleting anything you don't like. You are not off to a good start.
> 
> BTW, I highly recommend you never go to the art museum with him!


This very dismissive of her feelings. "Men do that so get over it". 

I hope the OP husband does not have this mindset. When he needs his wife's understanding when he gets upset about something important to him, she can tell him "Women do that so get over it". 

I think in most circumstances that it pays to think before you decide to dismiss and ridicule the feelings of others. It seems the smart thing to do especially when it is along gender lines, in a LTR with a person you depend upon for a mutual meeting of needs. 

The way I operate is that anything that upsets my husband effects me. Not because I aways understand, in fact, many times I don't. I try to understand and if I can't, I talk to him about what I can do. 

Sometimes it's not possible for me to do anything but, those are few and far between. I consider his feelings valid. I don't think I have ever ridiculed him for his feelings. I have made the mistake of dismissing them in the past if I didn't feel the same way. 

That is a valuable thing I learned from my TAM community and life. My husband is far more attentive now to things that upset me even though he has not read relationship books or TAM, as far as I know. I'd like to think that most of the time, you get what you give.


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## J.doe1

Catherine602 said:


> This very dismissive of her feelings. "Men do that so get over it".
> 
> I hope the OP husband does not have this mindset. When he needs his wife's understanding when he gets upset about something important to him, she can tell him "Women do that so get over it".
> 
> I think in most circumstances that it pays to think before you decide to dismiss and ridicule the feelings of others. It seems the smart thing to do especially when it is along gender lines, in a LTR with a person you depend upon for a mutual meeting of needs.
> 
> The way I operate is that anything that upsets my husband effects me. Not because I aways understand, in fact, many times I don't. I try to understand and if I can't, I talk to him about what I can do.
> 
> Sometimes it's not possible for me to do anything but, those are few and far between. I consider his feelings valid. I don't think I have ever ridiculed him for his feelings. I have made the mistake of dismissing them in the past if I didn't feel the same way.
> 
> That is a valuable thing I learned from my TAM community and life. My husband is far more attentive now to things that upset me even though he has not read relationship books or TAM, as far as I know. I'd like to think that most of the time, you get what you give.



Thank you for your response! Very helpful. I knew I'd get a response like his and I was just going to ignore it. Those kind of men clearly don't respect women's feelings. Luckily my husband isn't like that. We talked about it again on the phone just now and I feel so much better. I believe what he told me. I've never had a reason to doubt his character and Im not going to start now. The stuff I saw caught me off guard but I know he wouldn't want to hurt me and he knows how I feel about the situation and that's that. We've worked it out and I'm not going to let it mess up our relationship. I'm excited to finally start our life together soon and this situation has shown us how important open communication is. I'm not going to look at his accounts anymore because I trust him.


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## J.doe1

Catherine602 said:


> OP If this is a problem for you, it's a problem for both of you. You said that you look at your husband differently now. That cannot be taken lightly. You need to take time to set your mind at rest and depend upon your husband to help you deal with this. I would not worry about over-reacting.
> 
> You can swash your feeling down to meet random standards but that will not work. It is possible that this will have longterm effects on your marriage. "Get over it" is not the thing to do or say. Decide on what you need to maintain your respect for your husband. Then talk together and let him know. Tell him you need to be free to ask question that you need frank and honest answers.
> 
> Let him know that not answering your question will get him a short term gain of avoidance but he will have to deal with your feelings in other more difficult to fix ways. I would be upset if my husband kept nude pics of women on his phone. First of all, we have children that may come across them, secondly, I have no desire to come across them.
> 
> However, even when you are married and live with each other, you want space for privacy. You have to trust that you have not been deceived about who the person you married is. Do you think in time that you can accept that your husband will have private time and engage in solo activities? Not things that would hurt you or endanger the relationship and not secrets. If you can aim for that, it will help to move forwards.


Thank you for responding. I agree with what you've said and my husband and I had a long conversation about hoe we both feel. I feel much better now and I know everything will be okay as long as we keep communicating. 

I normally wouldn't be that person to check emails and stuff like that but I guess I didn't really know how to react because this hasn't happened before so I went overboard. I know how important privacy is and I'm going to give him his. We both agreed that there should be no secrets between us and I trust him. Thank you


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## mablenc

I'm sorry but, have you looked at his emails, apps and text? Seems like there more to it than his old phone keeping pictures. Even if they were, pictures don't magically aprear especially of naked women. Plus why would his coworker send people pictures of herself? That's what Facebook is for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

Also there's should be no secrets in a marriage, everything should be an open book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5

lifeistooshort said:


> How did men manage before they could get naked pictures on their phones and computers? Clearly it's so important to their survival that I don't see how they managed for thousands of years. Just sayin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the bra and panty section of the sears roebuck catalog? Pulp fiction books and mags (argosy, etc)? Erotic etchings?


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## maverick23

Use this as a springboard into talking about likes/dislikes/fantasies in the bedroom. The barrier to that is embarrassment. He's embarrassed - now you can pull something positive out of this. Good luck!


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## changedbeliefs

J.doe1 said:


> I knew I'd get a response like his and I was just going to ignore it.


Translation: I didn't really come here for honest opinions and discourse; I only came here to hear people agree with me.

:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## lifeistooshort

changedbeliefs said:


> Translation: I didn't really come here for honest opinions and discourse; I only came here to hear people agree with me.
> 
> :scratchhead::scratchhead:


No, it's just that some opinions aren't particularly helpful. Suck it up buttercup, this is what men do isn't helpful. If I came on here and told a guy whose wife was cheating that it was his fault because he's a jerk and that's what women married to jerks do it wouldn't go over well, because it's not helpful. The recipient of such advice would be well within his rights to ignore it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes

lifeistooshort said:


> How did men manage before they could get naked pictures on their phones and computers? Clearly it's so important to their survival that I don't see how they managed for thousands of years. Just sayin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you go back far enough women ran around naked a lot and they were having sex with everyone. Then when societies were formed men had lots of wives.


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## Theseus

Some of the responses here are ridiculous. 



Catherine602 said:


> This very dismissive of her feelings. "Men do that so get over it".


I didn't say that. Not even close.



J.doe1 said:


> Thank you for your response! Very helpful. I knew I'd get a response like his and I was just going to ignore it. Those kind of men clearly don't respect women's feelings.


No, clearly "my kind" don't respect women at all (never mind the fact that I'm married with two adolescent daughters that I adore). The question is, do you want advice from women, or do you want a man's perspective on this problem? After all, your husband is a man, isn't he? And your marriage isn't just about you, it's 50% about him.



lifeistooshort said:


> No, it's just that some opinions aren't particularly helpful. Suck it up buttercup, this is what men do isn't helpful. If I came on here and told a guy whose wife was cheating that it was his fault because he's a jerk and that's what women married to jerks do it wouldn't go over well, because it's not helpful.


Oh come on!!! We are not talking about cheating here. We are talking about random nude pictures, like I can see with any click of the mouse on Google at any time. 

I also NEVER said "suck it up". *I only said that if you think your husband should never desire to see another woman naked, that's simply not a realistic view of men or marriage*. It's a view that belongs in the Disney movies, not real life. Men are human, and sexuality is a very visual thing to us. Men (straight men) like to see women naked. You don't have to condemn them for that. Now, you can go the route you are on now, and act like his mother and take away all his "porn", and he might even suck it up and agree. But that causes other problems, because it's just going to make you much less attractive in his eyes. Few men want to be married to their mothers. 

I recommend you talk about this with him (as you said you did), of course, but I also recommend that you don't take this personally, and save your energy for true threats to your marriage. This isn't one of them.


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## lifeistooshort

Theseus said:


> Some of the responses here are ridiculous.
> 
> 
> 
> I didn't say that. Not even close.
> 
> 
> 
> No, clearly "my kind" don't respect women at all (never mind the fact that I'm married with two adolescent daughters that I adore). The question is, do you want advice from women, or do you want a man's perspective on this problem? After all, your husband is a man, isn't he? And your marriage isn't just about you, it's 50% about him.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh come on!!! We are not talking about cheating here. We are talking about random nude pictures, like I can see with any click of the mouse on Google at any time.
> 
> I also NEVER said "suck it up". *I only said that if you think your husband should never desire to see another woman naked, that's simply not a realistic view of men or marriage*. It's a view that belongs in the Disney movies, not real life. Men are human, and sexuality is a very visual thing to us. Men (straight men) like to see women naked. You don't have to condemn them for that. Now, you can go the route you are on now, and act like his mother and take away all his "porn", and he might even suck it up and agree. But that causes other problems, because it's just going to make you much less attractive in his eyes. Few men want to be married to their mothers.
> 
> I recommend you talk about this with him (as you said you did), of course, but I also recommend that you don't take this personally, and save your enemy for true threats to your marriage. This isn't one of them.



And I never said she should be his mother. I simply said that some opinions, such as "this is what men do", isn't helpful. Communication is key.....it's well and good to say that men like naked women and women should deal with it, but if it makes your wife terribly unhappy simply proclaiming that this is what men do is unhelpful. Perhaps we should simply say that women lose some libido after kids and hubby should accept it, but we wouldn't would we? We'd encourage communication, and that's what should happen here.

It's true that men don't want to be married to their mothers, but women generally don't want to be married to men that keep a stash of other women to get off to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs

Been down this road myself and yes there was cheating. 

Good luck. You will never know the truth unless you keep quiet and keep investigating. Trust your gut. 

I trusted my gut an unearthed a person I didn't know at all and I was married for almost 20 years who came home every night. 

Where there's smoke, there is usually fire. 

Good luck.


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## Catherine602

If you are still reading the post please know that you will do fine. As you can see, just asking a question about men looking at naked pics and porn triggers righteous anger in some men. Be very grateful that you where not unlucky enough to have married that type. 

Asking questions helps in understanding and acceptance. Getting an angry in your face responses may stifle questions but will not make you forget or accept. BTW, she said she is ok with porn and sounds very reasonable with respect to what her husband needs. She had no way of knowing if the pics were of woman he knew or random woman. She got upset and asked her husband. 

Any relationship has areas of misunderstanding. In a good relationship, the couple can talk about it in ways that are personal. Getting angry and declaring what men are like, is useless. She is not asking about men, since she is not in a relationship with them. She is trying to understand one man, her husband.


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## Theseus

lifeistooshort said:


> And I never said she should be his mother. I simply said that some opinions, such as "this is what men do", isn't helpful.


Likewise, I said that policing her husband's use of photos isn't helpful. Do you disagree?


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## Theseus

Catherine602 said:


> If you are still reading the post please know that you will do fine. As you can see, just asking a question about men looking at naked pics and porn triggers righteous *anger* in some men. Be very grateful that you where not unlucky enough to have married that type.
> 
> Asking questions helps in understanding and acceptance. Getting an *angry* in your face responses may stifle questions but will not make you forget or accept. ...
> 
> Any relationship has areas of misunderstanding. In a good relationship, the couple can talk about it in ways that are personal. Getting *angry* and declaring what men are like, is useless. She is not asking about men, since she is not in a relationship with them. She is trying to understand one man, her husband.


Catherine, please sit down, because what I'm going to say may shock you. 

I am NOT angry, not in the slightest. 

You seem to have some obsession with turning everything into some kind of war of men vs. women. I've noticed this in other threads too. Maybe you just like the drama? Well guess what: *Not everyone who disagrees with you is some woman hater!* 

So disagree with me, fine, but please stop with the personal attacks, and don't ascribe motives to me that exist only in your imagination. 

You and the OP can live in an echo chamber if you want to, but I assumed (wrongly it seems) that the OP wanted to get a different perspective on the problem. The OP is not married to a woman, she's married to a man. I can very easily put myself in his shoes, and I have also lived this problem as a newlywed so I can already see where this is headed. 



> _BTW, she said she is ok with porn and sounds very reasonable with respect to what her husband needs._


That's not the problem. The problem is with her assuming the role of mother, and now she needs to police what her husband looks at. Does that sound like a healthy marriage to you? If so, then just stop reading here and carry on!


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## jaquen

lifeistooshort said:


> How did men manage before they could get naked pictures on their phones and computers? Clearly it's so important to their survival that I don't see how they managed for thousands of years. Just sayin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since monogamy isn't something that was actually expected in many human societies, the nudity was seen live and in color with prostitutes, mistresses, exotic dancers and whomever else you could screw and get away with.


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## jaquen

Theseus said:


> The question is, do you want advice from women, or do you want a man's perspective on this problem? After all, your husband is a man, isn't he? And your marriage isn't just about you, it's 50% about him.


This is so important and I wish more women would get it.

I don't see the point in asking a question about a man, dismissing everything actual men have to say, just to settle into an agreeable view from a woman just because she can commiserate and relate.

Relating is great. But if you want to know how men, in general, think then you should listen to men.

In the OP's case she's already making a huge mistake by assuming her husband's desire to look at naked women mean she's not "enough". It's almost never about that. But the fact that she thinks this behavior is going to stop just because she found him out and he made some promises is disconcerting. 

Are their men who don't look at pictures of naked people? Of course. Sure they're rarer than a good Jean Claude Van Damme performance, but they do exist.

The chances are good, however, that she, like the majority of wives, will have a husband that looks at nude pics of women from the internet from time to time. She doesn't have to deal with it, she certainly can even leave her husband over it, but she'll have a tough time finding another man who does differently.


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## SadandAngry

The thing I would have a major problem with is snapchats with other women, that is so far over the line it's ridiculous. Throw in nudity on top of that, and you're in massive denial if you can't see the enormity of the boundary issues you face.


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## changedbeliefs

Catherine602 said:


> As you can see, just asking a question about men looking at naked pics and porn triggers righteous anger in some men. Be very grateful that you where not unlucky enough to have married that type.


Who is self-righteous now?? "That type"?!?!? NO ONE was angry...until now, that is. News flash: some people have perspectives other than yours, and someone gave it, and you were pompous and dismissive of it, and made very clear character jabs at that person. Dismount your high horse, ma' lady.


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## Jetranger

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm, I wonder what cave women used for a pole?


Stalactites in the cave!


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## Q tip

So, if a woman sees a naked guy, it's OK with her but not her husband.. If a man sees a naked woman, it's OK with him, but not the wife?

I see no pattern here. Move along folks.

It's absolutely not a good thing to do what he did. Our phones, all accounts, our entire lives for that matter is completely open to my spouse and I. including accounts, passwords, pins... Everything.


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## jaquen

Q tip said:


> So, if a woman sees a naked guy, it's OK with her but not her husband.. If a man sees a naked woman, it's OK with him, but not the wife?
> 
> I see no pattern here. Move along folks



What are you talking about?


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## Catherine602

Q tip said:


> So, if a woman sees a naked guy, it's OK with her but not her husband.. If a man sees a naked woman, it's OK with him, but not the wife?
> 
> I see no pattern here. Move along folks.
> 
> It's absolutely not a good thing to do what he did. Our phones, all accounts, our entire lives for that matter is completely open to my spouse and I. including accounts, passwords, pins... Everything.


Having private space is important so that men and woman can pursue interest that may cause misunderstanding or discomfort or even seem disrespectful if done in the presence of a spouse. Discretion is not the same as harboring secrets. It takes a bit of understanding of the opposite gender to make a peaceful coexistence.

My husband watches porn and who knows what else. I don't want to know. He is good, loving and faithful, as far as I can tell. What he does privately does not affect who he is in my eyes. He does not tell me how difficult monogamy is for men and that's why he needs to look at porn or naked woman. 

I am certain he does not want to hear how difficult monogamy is for me. Or that I have a crush on Jon Hamm and read everything about him. I think it would be disrespectful to make it seem as if I am doing him a favor by committing to him. 

Woman are not that different from men. We are more circumspect about it for the most part. Losing sexual attraction to a spouse after many years may be the female expression of difficulties with monogamy. Who knows. It would be better if women would and could be as open about their struggles with commitment as men. Then it would be identified for what it is - human nature.


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## GA HEART

FWIW, my phone arbitrarily saves odd pictures from the internet. I got a new phone, changed my card over and BAM, pics still there. So that is reasonable. All new, young marriages are subject to some insecurities, you are handling them fairly well. 

I will agree with others though......BIG difference between random nekkid pics from fantasy women and chatting up some chick who is sending him provacative pics of herself. As a woman myself I see porn as perfectly acceptable, but chatting with an actual person online with the intent to flirt and get provacative pics? NOT ok.


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## Catherine602

Theseus said:


> Catherine, please sit down, because what I'm going to say may shock you.
> 
> I am NOT angry, not in the slightest.
> 
> You seem to have some obsession with turning everything into some kind of war of men vs. women. I've noticed this in other threads too. Maybe you just like the drama? Well guess what: *Not everyone who disagrees with you is some woman hater!*
> 
> So disagree with me, fine, but please stop with the personal attacks, and don't ascribe motives to me that exist only in your imagination.
> 
> You and the OP can live in an echo chamber if you want to, but I assumed (wrongly it seems) that the OP wanted to get a different perspective on the problem. The OP is not married to a woman, she's married to a man. I can very easily put myself in his shoes, and I have also lived this problem as a newlywed so I can already see where this is headed.
> 
> 
> 
> That's not the problem. The problem is with her assuming the role of mother, and now she needs to police what her husband looks at. Does that sound like a healthy marriage to you? If so, then just stop reading here and carry on!


Insecurity and doubt is very common response for a woman when they find that their husband needs to look at naked pics or porn. As common as his need to look at pics. No one prepares woman for that. The couple could try to understand each other and accommodate or they can fight and resent each other. It goes both ways. It is not only woman who need to get over it and deal maturely with it. Accusing his wife of trying to mother him because she has a common and understandable response will get him a lack of understanding right back.


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## Theseus

Catherine602 said:


> Accusing his wife of trying to mother him because she has a common and understandable response will get him a lack of understanding right back.




I think you miss the point. It doesn't matter if he accuses her or not, the problem is already out there. When a man is living with a woman who is monitoring his phone/internet use, how do you think she looks to him? He's going to see it as a repeat of growing up with his mother. 

And he's going to be less attracted to her as a result. So eventually, he'll tire of living with his "mom" and hook up with that carefree girl from his work instead who's ten years younger. Kind of a worst case scenario, but I think you get the picture.

Here's another way to put it: The OP can act secure or insecure. Which to you think her husband would find more sexy?


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## Catherine602

Theseus said:


> I think you miss the point. It doesn't matter if he accuses her or not, the problem is already out there. When a man is living with a woman who is monitoring his phone/internet use, how do you think she looks to him? He's going to see it as a repeat of growing up with his mother.
> 
> And he's going to be less attracted to her as a result. So eventually, he'll tire of living with his "mom" and hook up with that carefree girl from his work instead who's ten years younger. Kind of a worst case scenario, but I think you get the picture.
> 
> Here's another way to put it: The OP can act secure or insecure. Which to you think her husband would find more sexy?


Touché You found my Achilles heal. The fear of every woman - the ease of with which we can be replaced by a younger sexier model if we don't toe the line. I can't imagine that there are enough young hot babes waiting to service every D man. Then again, I am a poor mathematician.


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## Theseus

Catherine602 said:


> Touché You found my Achilles heal. The fear of every woman - the ease of with which we can be replaced by a younger sexier model if we don't toe the line. I can't imagine that there are enough young hot babes waiting to service every D man. Then again, I am a poor mathematician.



Once again, you are avoiding the actual point. I can't guarantee he will run off with another woman. I can very nearly guarantee he will lose attraction for his wife if he sees her like his mom.


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## alexm

J.doe1 said:


> To clarify, the naked photos were women he didn't know. I don't know where he found the pictures, I guess browsing online. His explanation was that the photos somehow saved from his twitter feed, which sounds like bs. The girl from snapchat was the only one he knew. He had about 6 pictures of her, none of which were nudes. He told me that she sent them to a whole group of people, which I believe. What concerns me is that they were saved on his phone. I know he's not talking to her in that kind of a way, but why save them?
> 
> He had just gotten that phone a few days before. He must've saved all those pictures previously on his old phone, deleted them before I visited but didn't realize they saved onto his google drive. Then when he got his new phone, google drive loaded the old pictures onto his new phone. I hope this makes sense!


As said by another poster above, pictures can save on your phone (and even transfer to a new phone) without you knowing it. Has happened to me. It must be an android thing, because it never happened to me when I was using an iphone. I think clicking on a picture while using your browser actually downloads it to your phone and saves it in a different folder. I know I've gone through my picture folder and it's had a few images that I had browsed on the web on my phone (no porn!)

So, in short, he was likely looking at pictures for whatever reason (ahem...) and they just ended up being saved to his picture folder. I don't think he purposefully saved them.

But the snapchat thing.. yeah, that's concerning. I don't use snapchat. I'm not 16 years old. But I gather that the entire POINT of snapchat is to not be able to save pictures. UNLESS you take a screenshot of whatever is sent to you. So to have pictures on his phone from snapchat, he definitely purposefully saved those ones.

That said, he showed remorse AND gave you all his passwords, so that's a very good sign. Chalk this one up to him being a fair distance from you and having needs.


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## alexm

Theseus said:


> I can very nearly guarantee he will lose attraction for his wife if he sees her like his mom.


That's a very valid point.

Much like how women lose interest in their man if they become too beta, men will definitely lose interest when their wife becomes more "mother" than "spouse".

Ironically enough, one feeds the other. Doesn't matter which one starts first, the end result is usually the other going in that direction, too, and then you have a huge mess on your hands.

I couldn't tell you who started first between my ex wife and I, but all I can tell you is that, at one point, each of us were independent and happy. It ended up with her being a constant nag and nothing was good enough, and me being a "yes dear, whatever you say dear" kind of husband. No attraction for either of us at the end. Whoever was on the receiving end when it all began did not stand up and say something, and we each allowed the other (and ourselves) to turn into wholly unattractive people in each other's eyes. I know better now.


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## JustAnotherMan

If this is more than saving pictures for personal viewing, If he is truly chasing a known female, then he has crossed boundaries. 

Add a long distance marriage for newlyweds....not good.

I can assure you that the husband will now be very guarded in sharing any of his mental sexuality with his wife. She has chastised for his normal desire to see other woman naked. She has labeled him a pervert for looking. He will wonder if he is a pervert until he finally realizes he is normal. 

All the while the resentment builds.

OP... I suggest you go to the other extreme and encourage your husband to share every sexual thought and desire he has and encourage and enjoy the experience. 

If you shame his sexuality you will lose him.


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## DoF

So you want to deny him basic human right? 

Have you ever established this boundary with him "no looking at nude pictures"?

Can't expect him to read your brain. If you want that to be a boundary, communicate with him about it. He can't follow something he doesn't know.

Personally, I think you are a bit over the top to freak out over this. What's wrong with looking at nude pictures? He is a grown man, come on now.

Of course you are his #1 and way beyond anything any other women can offer.

I would be WAY more worried about "long distance" vs some nudes. Long distance will kill ANY relationship (even with the best people)


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## DoF

lifeistooshort said:


> How did men manage before they could get naked pictures on their phones and computers? Clearly it's so important to their survival that I don't see how they managed for thousands of years. Just sayin
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did women manage before there were butchers and farming. 

Why aren't you hunting and butchering your own animals.

Just saying...


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## NewToHeartBreak

I think it's good you talked thing through with your husband and shared your feelings.

From what you have written I don't think you have any thing to worry about. From personal experience I don't think there is any correlation between viewing porn and cheating and this is coming from some one who decided on there own to stop viewing pornography.

I've been with my wife over ten years and until a few months ago I looked at porn on a regular basis and during that time never considered cheating and turned down the occasional opportunity to do so that came my way.

I lost interest in porn around the time I seriously considered cheating with a work colleague I devolved a friendship with, in the end I didn't but the intent was there and at the time wasn't looking at porn. My wife and I separated for a while and I started looking at porn again, after she came back I stopped (my choice she didn't care what I looked at) and am now happily married again and wouldn't dream of cheating on her now. In my view there isn't a link between cheating and viewing porn. I don't think viewing large amounts of pornography is good for a man but he probably won't completely stop viewing it unless he comes to that conclusion on his own.

Regarding email and phone passwords. Your husband sounds like a good guy who wants to make you happy and your marriage work, you really are blessed in that regards but speaking from experience no good will come from accepting his offer to know his passwords. 

After I admitted to almost having an affair I gave my wife free access to my email, facebook and phone. It did not help build trust in me ("your only "behaving" because I'm watching") and felt incredibly over bearing, humiliating and that she didn't respect me. It ended up being one of several issues that lead to us needing to separate to clear the air. 

If him not looking at porn is important to you then I suggest you try getting him to watch some of the videos online that outline the potential negatives to the user of viewing it. That's what convinced me to stop. Best of luck.


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## jaquen

DoF said:


> I would be WAY more worried about "long distance" vs some nudes. Long distance will kill ANY relationship (even with the best people)


Can not will.


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## justaguy123

As a healthy and VERY virile man, I enjoy looking at pictures of beautiful (and even naked) women.

I have a beautiful and loving woman, one who is more sexy than almost any other woman I've met. But still I enjoy looking at other women's photos. It has nothing to do with my partner, it has everything to do with enjoying what we love, women.

If any woman tried to tell me I couldn't look at other women, they'd be crazy and dumped in a split-second. However I am the most loyal of partners and only look and not sample. Never will.


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## richie33

Theseus said:


> I think you miss the point. It doesn't matter if he accuses her or not, the problem is already out there. When a man is living with a woman who is monitoring his phone/internet use, how do you think she looks to him? He's going to see it as a repeat of growing up with his mother.
> 
> And he's going to be less attracted to her as a result. So eventually, he'll tire of living with his "mom" and hook up with that carefree girl from his work instead who's ten years younger. Kind of a worst case scenario, but I think you get the picture.
> 
> Here's another way to put it: The OP can act secure or insecure. Which to you think her husband would find more sexy?


I went through something similar. After what I would call a sexless marriage for a number of years my wife started looking through my phone. She found that I was looking at porn, checking out exes on Facebook, women I never met. You name it I did it. I thought it was harmless. It nearly ended my marriage. My wife became obsessed with my phone.This woman I didn't know, it changed her. I would come home and she would pour over every web search. I would put passwords, erase history....just made matters worse. I just gave up and let her go through it. I hated it. I felt like she was mothering me. Best thing I did was to deactivate Facebook and then later on I broke the smartphone in a million pieces. I got an old flip phone with no data. Only time I use the computer is at home and she can look all she wants.I believe this has saved my marriage. 
Some would say I gave into irrational behavior. I don't care, I did what I felt was needed to save my marriage. Our sex life is now a priority. I will NEVER go sexless again. She would be out the door and she knows this. 
This why I am a huge believer in talking about this stuff before marriage. You both have to be on board.


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## WalterWhite

CluelessWif said:


> Ah, here it depends. Was it pornography or selfies by ametures? I will tell you that if it was porn it has nothing to do with you being "enough." That is not the way it works. Unless you are going to be physically available every single time he is horny, he is going to masterbate. Many men started masterbating with imagery (due to the fact that men are more visual) and typically continue.
> 
> Now if these are selfies from real women to him then that is a whole different story.


Wrong!

A married man has no business viewing or keeping porn. Porn is in fact a form of cheating.


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## richie33

WalterWhite said:


> Wrong!
> 
> A married man has no business viewing or keeping porn. Porn is in fact a form of cheating.


Fact?


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## Catherine602

How did this turn into a rally for mens rights to naked pictures?


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## memyselfandi

My hubby works 2000 miles away for his job and we just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. Yeah, it sucks big time for both of us. If he didn't look at porn on the internet, I'd be concerned. However..he's an honest guy and has told me that when he looks at other women..he's thinking about me and I believe him.

The concern is..the downloads on his phone of the woman he knows. Depending on how long the two of you have seriously been together..when were these photos sent?

My second questions is..does your husband have internet access? If that's the case and he needs to watch porn in order to get off..then he needs to do it on his personal computer and not his cell phone. 

Regarding pics on his phone. They should get deleted...and if you ever find them on there again..the two of you need to have a serious chat.


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## justaguy123

Catherine602 said:


> How did this turn into a rally for mens rights to naked pictures?


Sister... your mistake is to think that men "needed this right" to begin with...


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## Catherine602

justaguy123 said:


> Sister... your mistake is to think that men "needed this right" to begin with...


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