# How to handle visitation during separation?



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

My husband and I have only been separated for 12 days, but he is already making my life miserable regarding scheduling time to see our son. He left us, despite my begging and pleading. Now he is demanding that I change our schedules to accommodate him. For example, he is out of town at a training for three days and does not want to see our son when he gets back because he "has plans" that night, but he expects me to switch the whole schedule around so he can see him the day before he leaves all day and all night. That doesn't work for me. How can we agree on this?!?


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Dear God, please yes, I'd love to see some examples of what works, too. I told my STBXH that he can't continue to just drop by or hang out here with our kids, yet he continues to do it. In fact, he's coming by tonight even after I gave him a letter outlining that I do not want him here. He's obviously trying to see if I'm going to stick to my guns so I'm going to have a little chat with him tonight and let him know that I am going to do just that. That's the only reason I'm even allowing it tonight because I want NC at this point if he's not willing to work on our marriage. My STBXH likes to just call me 15 minutes before and tell me he wants to see the kids, obviously just whenever he doesn't have other plans and can work them in. What has worked well for others? I don't mind that he sees them more than "standard" days, I just don't want to have to see him in the process!! It upsets me and disrupts my whole day, which I think is what he likes, not to mention makes it that much harder for me to let go and detach like I told him I wanted to. I think he's pushing me to see what he can get away with. Yours probably is, too, specialplace!


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

It's not fair and it sucks. My STBXH does the same thing to me. He cheated and left. While he was cheating, he was never around. As soon as I kicked him out, he wanted to be with the kids! So I had to suck it up while I was preparing my divorce papers.

I served him papers after 5 weeks of separation and in my papers, I specified what days and times he can come visit. My biggest wish is not to have him come bother me or the kids at all because they are so angry after they see him. BUT they are his children and they have to suck it up and see him too. I get so depressed and angry when he comes and hangs around, as if he's flaunting his happiness. He won't take the kids out, so what I have to do is leave the house when he's over and not tell him when I will be back.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

See, I refuse to leave the house. He made a comment one time about snooping through my stuff. He left this house so he doesn't get to do that. I don't go to his new place and hang out or expect him to leave. Maybe I should to show him what I mean! ROFL 

I'm sitting here right now feeling my blood boiling and dreading him showing up any minute. This is exactly what he wants, I think. After I gave him my letting go letter, he has been what I see as dropping breadcrumbs. I think it's because he wants to see just how serious I am about letting go. It actually ticks me off. Unless he is walking in here tonight to say he wants to work on our marriage, he's getting a big eye opener!


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I see what you mean about him snooping through your stuff. I was afraid that he would do that to me too. I spent one whole weekend going through EVERYTHING in my bedroom (that's where I keep everything) and put anything that is of any importance ie. tax papers, deeds, acct numbers, jewelry, paystubs - anything in a box and drove it over to my mother's house for safekeeping. After that, I was more comfortable with leaving when he's here visiting.


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## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

It's hard. My STBXH did that a lot at first and it drove me crazy. I'm not sure how old your son is but what finally got through to mine was telling him it was really confusing to the kids having him come and go the way he was. My kids are still young (5 and not quite 4) and it was really hard getting them to understand that daddy didn't live with us anymore. He made it even harder by refusing to talk to them about it at all and always saying he was going to work or the store when he left (he continues to do this even now). We were able to sit down and plan out days when he can come visit them. I also refuse to leave the house so I usually just go into another room or outside and let him have some time with them.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Can you arrange to meet at another location? When my ex and I set the schedule (its 50/50) we pretty much arranged that the handoff points were at the kids school. In other words, I had them for a couple of days, dropped them off at school and she would pick them up and vice versa. It worked really well as we didnt need to see each other and the kids werent exposed to the tension.


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I do not want a 50/50 arrangement for custody. I just feel it's too much running around for my son and I also feel somewhat penalized by it, since I'm not the one who left. Is this wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

specialplace said:


> I do not want a 50/50 arrangement for custody. I just feel it's too much running around for my son and I also feel somewhat penalized by it, since I'm not the one who left. Is this wrong?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think you are wrong in this. IDK how you guys raised the kids, but in my case, I am the mother (and father) 90% of the time because of my ex's crazy work schedule, so for me, it's natural that I don't think 50/50 would work for us. It's too confusing for my kids, especially the younger ones.


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