# Ex wife behavior during divorce process



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I have a couple of other threads but wanted some input. 

I am finally at peace. Almost. We had a temp hearing, are now mediating , and the end is near. 

Basically what happened is that my wife went on vacation to her home country, met a man, knew him for a week, came back and requested divorce. 

He sent her money for an apartment, lawyer, and furniture. About 25k. We have a 3 yrnold son. 

She drops my son off on my days, and wants to hug me. Smiles at me. Acts like nothing ever happened. She never admitted to cheating. Never apologized. Nothing at all. 

If I am more or less short this offends her. She cries. Gets mad etc. 

Has anyone else went through this? A wife who cheated, leaves, then acts like nothing happened? Not even an explanation or apology?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> I have a couple of other threads but wanted some input.
> 
> I am finally at peace. Almost. We had a temp hearing, are now mediating , and the end is near.
> 
> ...


Yes. My story is an extreme example and way out of the norm I believe but most never get a true explanation or an apology. 

If she apologizes she must admit some fault. For her its easier to act like nothing happened, for you you never seem to get full closure.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

honcho said:


> Yes. My story is an extreme example and way out of the norm I believe but most never get a true explanation or an apology.
> 
> If she apologizes she must admit some fault. For her its easier to act like nothing happened, for you you never seem to get full closure.


That seems to be the case. She has probably convinced herself she has done nothing at all wrong. I am doing pretty well, but it is annoying seeing her three or 4 times a week to exchange our son and she acts like we are just lifelong friends. Wanting to hug me, smiling, make small talk etc. Texting me her feelings about unrelated issues etc. As an example she wanted to come into my house yesterday, and when is said no, she got mad, zoomed away in her car. 

Not sure how she ever expects to be "friends" if she cannot even show one ounce of remorse for her actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

She wants to make belive that what she did was for "the best for everyone". She is mired in the weeds.

Dont give her the time of day.
She is so lost she wont understand what it means.

Just wait patiently until her bubble breaks...and then enjoy the show.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

I like what Samurai said...I'm starting to see my STBXW's bubble breaking before my eyes....and it's wonderful!


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

AFPhoenix said:


> I like what Samurai said...I'm starting to see my STBXW's bubble breaking before my eyes....and it's wonderful!


Similar to my story? How long did it take her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I highly recommend reading AFPs journal. She will avoid "punishment" 

just as we would try to when we acted out against our parents.

She has to "own" her mistakes or they will re-occur. 

It is not up to you to "help her" fix herself

this is all on her. If you play Mr. Fixer....she will take this as a 

green light to do it again. Mr. Fixer will clean everything

up just like before. Tell her you are going to file for D if

everything is not put on the table. If she refuses....do not say

anything else about D. Just file. You will get a reaction then.

How are you handling yourself? Working out any? New clothes?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> I highly recommend reading AFPs journal. She will avoid "punishment"
> 
> just as we would try to when we acted out against our parents.
> 
> ...


I did file and The divorce is almost complete. I think now she just wants to come in my house and look around. 

She has her own apartment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

MM,

My story is similiar on how we first married, High School sweethearts, pregnant, married young but it is different because she committed adultery. It will be hard, trust me, but little by little you will find "yourself" again and perhaps will realize it was a blessing in disguise. I hope everything works out for you brother.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

MM321..... I was a Class of '13 graduate at TAM. Here are a few others

Gut Punched (had kids)
Zillard (had kid)
ReGroup (had kid)

AFP is a Class of '14 graduate


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What countries?

In any event, your ex has chosen the culture of her childhood over that of the US or UK.

OM has chosen her not out of love but the entry ticket to the country you live in. He is using her and considers her a tool. She is a vagina that produced a visa.

Deep down inside your ex understands that her choice may be bad. Keeping you as an emergency retreat is her visa to safety.

She is probably not conscious of how her subliminal reasoning has set this cultural competition up. Disabuse her of this idiocy by ignoring her in all matters other than your child.

Stand away from her when you meet. If she tries to hug you, put up your hand and stop her.

Do not express anger. Stay calm and indifferent. Shut down the friendship


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> MM321..... I was a Class of '13 graduate at TAM. Here are a few others
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hello???


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

MM,

Forget her reactions. They don't matter. 

Continue to focus on yourself. It's you actions that matter.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> Hello???


:rofl: and CG...... but didn't you have to nuke your threads?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> :rofl: and CG...... but didn't you have to nuke your threads?



Yep. 

Too bad too - CT is a hall-of-famer. And still going strong.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I don't want to thread jack but Ceegee, I always wonder how you and Regroup are doing. I used to follow both your threads.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I'm great, thanks for asking. 

Not here much these days but I have an interest in threads like mm's. 

Disordered spouses can really do a number on you if you let them. Knowing that you are, in fact, letting them is key. They only have the power you give them. 

You'll never understand them. They don't understand themselves. Their reality is based solely on emotion. This is what you see in their reactions. 

Logic is always secondary and always subject to be overridden by emotion.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> I don't want to thread jack but Ceegee, I always wonder how you and Regroup are doing. I used to follow both your threads.



I spoke with Group back in the summer. He is doing fine.

Slow process


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> I'm great, thanks for asking.
> 
> Not here much these days but I have an interest in threads like mm's.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Your xw was an example of this.
Have you gotten more time with the kids?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not to be an ass but if she wants to be warm and friendly at least she isn't trying to be a vicious and raging nut job that so many waywards turn into when divorce comes 

so do what you doing ignore it and she cries ignore that, I get you once loved her but her actions are no longer your concern and you need to get to that place where you don't care what she does anymore or how she acts or if she is happy or sad as long as it doesn't effect the child


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> not to be an ass but if she wants to be warm and friendly at least she isn't trying to be a vicious and raging nut job that so many waywards turn into when divorce comes
> 
> so do what you doing ignore it and she cries ignore that, I get you once loved her but her actions are no longer your concern and you need to get to that place where you don't care what she does anymore or how she acts or if she is happy or sad as long as it doesn't effect the child


I just find it odd. She spent months lying about me to everyone (I was some mean abusive husband), she cheated on me, lied about everything at the temporary hearing, and then acts like nothing happened, and actually gets angry if I am short with her, or refuse to hug her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

re-writing history, my X g/f did that, called her on it

she didn't like it, poor schit


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You find it odd. 

We see it as predictable. 

When you treat her the way she deserves to be treated you force her to see her ugliness and she doesn't like it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tell us about her home country and childhood.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Tell us about her home country and childhood.


She is from Brazil. Grew up with maids, nanny etc. Controlling narcissist mom. She did not move our from her moms until 30. Brief marriage at 23.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

and how much has she changed from then to now?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> and how much has she changed from then to now?


Didn't know her back then. But as for our relationship she sure changes a lot
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You're the second guy to have Brazilian woman mess him up. I can't remember the name of the other poster, a Canadian guy who was in a distance relationship with a Brazilian girl. I write girl because she was younger. She was just too young to marry and they struggled with a distance relationship.

Immaturity versus narcissism... one passes the other is a condition. 

Still, Brazilian culture must be quite different from US and you can see that her narcissism prefers to another reality. She may feel that she is getting in touch with her soul which is not properly nourished in North America. What does OM do for this hungry soul? He probably flattered her into bed.

Has he moved to the US already?

Does he have a job?

He seems well to do? 

Is he much older? A daddy figure?

Your ex is mixed up. Thirty years old and still childish.

Concentrate on being a good dad. Work out. Pursue your hobbies.

Reconciliation seems pointless. You can find a much better woman. Unfortunately, your child cannot find a better mother.

After a time you may be able to better deal with her. As they say, go to 50,000ft and observe yourself when you interact her. If she does irritating, crazy stuff. Smile and chuckle at the absurdity and irony. Rise above her. What choice do you have.

Be very firm and consistent in boundary issues.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> You're the second guy to have Brazilian woman mess him up. I can't remember the name of the other poster, a Canadian guy who was in a distance relationship with a Brazilian girl. I write girl because she was younger. She was just too young to marry and they struggled with a distance relationship.
> 
> Immaturity versus narcissism... one passes the other is a condition.
> 
> ...


For a long time she was glued to facebook which led to arguments. Then she travelled which led to more arguments. Then she met this guy which led to her wanting a divorce. She is almost 40 and was on Facebook 24 7. Things were neglected at home. She was in her own world. 

It's just odd that now she is being so nice. Not sure what she wants. When I was asking for counseling she never even considered it. Since I have no honestly from her I have no idea what her plans with this other guy are
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> I just find it odd. She spent months lying about me to everyone (I was some mean abusive husband), she cheated on me, lied about everything at the temporary hearing, and then acts like nothing happened, and actually gets angry if I am short with her, or refuse to hug her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Spoiled kids act like this too don't they. She learned most of her behavior from her mother who you said was very controlling. She lived with her mom till 30 in what sounds like a more upper class household so she probably has a sense of entitlement also. 

Part seems to be learned behavior for her and part is typical cheaters script. She wants you to play along as if nothing happened because its always worked for her in the past.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> For a long time she was glued to facebook which led to arguments. Then she travelled which led to more arguments. Then she met this guy which led to her wanting a divorce. She is almost 40 and was on Facebook 24 7. Things were neglected at home. She was in her own world.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You must have a theory. Let's hear it.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

honcho said:


> Spoiled kids act like this too don't they. She learned most of her behavior from her mother who you said was very controlling. She lived with her mom till 30 in what sounds like a more upper class household so she probably has a sense of entitlement also.
> 
> Part seems to be learned behavior for her and part is typical cheaters script. She wants you to play along as if nothing happened because its always worked for her in the past.


In the past few months I did bring up her cheating etc. And all she would say is " we weren't in a relationship". Like totally not even comprehending what she did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> You must have a theory. Let's hear it.


Either a typical cheater. Narcissist. In an affair fog. Or really never loved me at all. I can't really tell. Could be a combination
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Either a typical cheater. Narcissist. In an affair fog. Or really never loved me at all. I can't really tell. Could be a combination
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Any of those could be correct. Does it change anything?

All of these theories are typical. None involve you. 

Broken person. Damaged goods. Not marriage material.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> You're the second guy to have Brazilian woman mess him up. I can't remember the name of the other poster, a Canadian guy who was in a distance relationship with a Brazilian girl. I write girl because she was younger. She was just too young to marry and they struggled with a distance relationship.
> 
> Immaturity versus narcissism... one passes the other is a condition.
> 
> ...



Brazilian culture not unlike other Latino cultures when it comes to infidelity. 

It's a way of life for many.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Any of those could be correct. Does it change anything?
> 
> All of these theories are typical. None involve you.
> 
> Broken person. Damaged goods. Not marriage material.


True. I probably won't get any real answer. In the end I am actually feeling much better than I thought I would
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> True. I probably won't get any real answer. In the end I am actually feeling much better than I thought I would
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Can you believe my answer you get anyway?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> True. I probably won't get any real answer. In the end I am actually feeling much better than I thought I would
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure how to explain this. I guess I was curious if others went trough this. The cheater takes away your son, leaves you, blames you for everything, then wants to be friends with zero explanation. Like nothing happened. All I learned is I feel better keeping my distance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Not sure how to explain this. I guess I was curious if others went trough this. The cheater takes away your son, leaves you, blames you for everything, then wants to be friends with zero explanation. Like nothing happened. All I learned is I feel better keeping my distance
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Awareness comes and it will serve you well moving forward. 

You have a child with this woman. You need to remain aware dealing with parenting issues. Her behavior likely won't change.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> In the past few months I did bring up her cheating etc. And all she would say is " we weren't in a relationship". Like totally not even comprehending what she did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that is called "re-writing history"


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Not sure how to explain this. I guess I was curious if others went trough this. The cheater takes away your son, leaves you, blames you for everything, then wants to be friends with zero explanation. Like nothing happened. All I learned is I feel better keeping my distance
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this is her plan. blow up her plan. have your lawyer draw

up a document where she needs your signature notarized to

take your son out of the country.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> this is her plan. blow up her plan. have your lawyer draw
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I think it is necessary anyway.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I just find it odd. She spent months lying about me to everyone (I was some mean abusive husband), she cheated on me, lied about everything at the temporary hearing, and then acts like nothing happened, and actually gets angry if I am short with her, or refuse to hug her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Play the game with her. What's it to you? Like someone said before, be glad she's not some mean angry psycho trying to make your life more miserable then she already has. 

Just make sure that you tell your side if the story to all who will listen...family, friends and coworkers. As long as you set the record straight with them, who cares if your WW wants to live in la la land? Let her. 

Be cordial, but work on yourself and be the best dad you can be. Stop focusing on trying figure her out. That's a dead end road. 

Figure yourself out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Not sure how to explain this. I guess I was curious if others went trough this. The cheater takes away your son, leaves you, blames you for everything, then wants to be friends with zero explanation. Like nothing happened. All I learned is I feel better keeping my distance
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, we have seen it before here.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is she still in the affair ?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

“All I learned is I feel better keeping my distance”

This is the lesson you need to remember. Keep your distance. Very few Bs ever get any real apology or answer and in time you wont care.

“Play the game with her. What's it to you? Like someone said before, be glad she's not some mean angry psycho trying to make your life more miserable then she already has.”

Bandit is correct, at this point play the game get your divorce done and be rid of her. Trust me you don’t want psycho.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

honcho said:


> “All I learned is I feel better keeping my distance”
> 
> This is the lesson you need to remember. Keep your distance. Very few Bs ever get any real apology or answer and in time you wont care.
> 
> ...


I agree. And thanks for the advice. Trying to figure this out is perhaps not possible as she probably is lost herself. 

Another example is that she works at a daycare where my son attends. For the past year and a half she never once invited me to any parents type function or event the daycare has. Now that we are divorced she is asking me almost daily if I will come to the Halloween party. 

At the mediation she became irate and started calling me names there. Then the next day she is wanting to hug me when we exchange our son. 

I guess many women, probably more so than men, cannot admit they actually did something wrong, especially when it comes to cheating, an affair, and destroying a family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your ex may well be BDP or narcissistic. The end of weird behavior is not in sight.

If you think about her past antics, you'll probably have to admit that there were signs that she is not entirely rational.

As to admitting to doing something wrong, sure women might be a worse than men in this respect.

Hope you are not letting her hug you.

You probably are not ready to date right now. Eventually, you may find a much better wife.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Your ex may well be BDP or narcissistic. The end of weird behavior is not in sight.
> 
> If you think about her past antics, you'll probably have to admit that there were signs that she is not entirely rational.
> 
> ...


Narcissism I am almost sure of. I was shocked when I saw her facebook and she has 900 photos of herself. As for the hugging no way. I was just simply repulsed that she would even try this. Also perplexed since I was such a horrible and abusive husband according to her 

Another issue is that I moved our family into the beat school district in the state. She moved 20 minutes away into a bad one to live in an overpriced apartment.

And coincidentally, in our big city, she moved to the exact same complex we lived at. The complex we had our son at. Then she was telling me she is always sad due to all of the memories 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Where is OM now? Getting his visa?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Where is OM now? Getting his visa?


Odd situation. He works on oil rigs. Supposedly his job transferred him here. That is what her family told me. However he works offshore so most likely will not be around much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your ex fell in love with a man who is not going to be around. He is likely a cheater.

The money is easier to understand now.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Your ex fell in love with a man who is not going to be around. He is likely a cheater.
> 
> The money is easier to understand now.


Yes. He is always in a different country. Why is the money easier to understand? To me it makes a little less sense as he invested in a woman he won't really be with all of the time. Unless he has just nothing better to do with it due to his lifestyle
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Yes. He is always in a different country. Why is the money easier to understand? To me it makes a little less sense as he invested in a woman he won't really be with all of the time. Unless he has just nothing better to do with it due to his lifestyle
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What also makes no sense is if you are single, from brazil, good job, why would you choose a married and cheating 39 yo woman with a 3 yr old?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

honcho said:


> “All I learned is I feel better keeping my distance”
> 
> This is the lesson you need to remember. Keep your distance. Very few Bs ever get any real apology or answer and in time you wont care.
> 
> ...


"wiggle easy until your head is out of the lion's mouth"


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> What also makes no sense is if you are single, from brazil, good job, why would you choose a married and cheating 39 yo woman with a 3 yr old?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


guys who simply "seek strange" pinpoint the most vulnerable targets

just like animals do prey

whether it be single or married women, women with kid(s)

but for anything to take place in the beginning

the woman MUST be receptive to his advances


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There doesn't have to be great logic. Your ex is a needy person. Is she going to be happy, seeing some guy now and then?

If he wants her, isn't for a visa to the US?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> guys who simply "seek strange" pinpoint the most vulnerable targets
> 
> just like animals do prey
> 
> ...


True. I guess it is just expensive strange. I been to brazil and any guy with a job can have his pick of beautiful women. He already has a work visa. If he really needs. Green card it is not easy to marry my wife and get one sunce she only has a green card
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

OP
Just let her go as gently as you can.
Once she is gone, she is somebody elses problem and you are free to go about your life.
It DOESNT MATTER what her motivations are...or his.

You need to take care of YOU now.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

people who are needy, clingy define themselves through their relationships

they act / appear wonderful...until the first sizeable bumps in the 

relationship appear. These bumps will always appear...they react

by running from them (flight). Why stay and fight when you can

just leave and start another relationship? They never stop to think...

maybe if I addressed my issues....my problems could be corrected.

My 1st love was that way. We were last officially together in 1991.

Married multiple times, sends overtures to me *to this day*

Drifted guy to guy....H to H...and with her current H...posom to posom


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't talk to her beyond what is necessary. If she starts talking about her feelings, tell her to bring it up with boyfriend, therapist, parents, best friend, not with you. You are not interested.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Don't talk to her beyond what is necessary. If she starts talking about her feelings, tell her to bring it up with boyfriend, therapist, parents, best friend, not with you. You are not interested.


:iagree: It is no longer your job to fulfill the duties of being a H.

She fired you as a H and hired someone else.

If posom will not man the mop bucket...not your problem


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> :iagree: It is no longer your job to fulfill the duties of being a H.
> 
> She fired you as a H and hired someone else.
> 
> If posom will not man the mop bucket...not your problem


So we had our last mediation. My mood has changed considerably and she probably sensed it. I am ready to move on. 

She rushed to get into elevator with me and we are alone. She tells me I look good. Asks what I did the previous weekend. I reply with a thank you and more or less just a smile when she starts to guess what I did. She then started telling me I must feel odd taking a new woman to the same places we used to go. (I don't have a new woman)

I tell her "ok. Well see you Wednesday" (when she drops off the kids)

She follows me to me car which is parked in a different direction. She then tells me I can take our son to visit my family anytime. (They live out of state). I said thank you. She then breaks down crying saying she wishes she could go to. 

She then turns dramatic and says "please find a good mom for our son" and starts crying again. I tell her ok and that I will see her Wednesday. 

She then tells me "I didn't want any of this" and moves to hug me. Crying again. I probably should not have, but I calmly said "well you did it". 

She then tried to hug me again and said she hopes these scars will someday go away. 

I tell her again I will see her Wednesday and she is still lingering by my car. She starts to tell me stories about our son, a white couch she bought, various random thjngs to keep talking. 

What does this seem like? What she did is starting to sink in? She feels sorry for me? Regret? Or just random craziness not to be made any sense of?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

She is looking for a window for you to forgive her so she can rationalize what she did.

Been down that road.
Not worth travelling.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Find a good mother for your son, she says. Perhaps she is speaking the truth. Crazy people can say very sane things at times.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

she seeks forgiveness through you because she can't forgiver herself.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> she seeks forgiveness through you because she can't forgiver herself.


I guess like most people, although I shouldn't care, I am wanting her to regret what she did. Not just to me, but to our son whom I was very close with. 

In my own fantasy I am hoping she regrets it everyday. 

Still thinking of herself of course, she reminded me of her upcoming birthday two months from now. She will turn 40. Once again she started crying. 
She also kept asking me to come to my sons Halloween party at the school she works at. Funny how she never invited me to these things while we were married. 


And yes. Maybe she is seeking some validation that in some way she "helped" all of our lives for the better. I am not sure. Part of me of course wants to think she did love me and made a mistake. Regardless if I would take her back or not. Which I would not 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Reality is a tough pill to swallow. She could want you to "still be around" in hopes

of a possible R down the road or to aid in her acceptance. Her invitations to school

are for her...not you. For you to move forward, the less contact, the better


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Reality is a tough pill to swallow. She could want you to "still be around" in hopes
> 
> of a possible R down the road or to aid in her acceptance. Her invitations to school
> 
> are for her...not you. For you to move forward, the less contact, the better


Yes. I was thinking perhaps it was to show her "friends" at school that what she did is all good now. Just a wise decision by her , that leads to everyone being accepting and happy. 

She still texts me "good morning" and even though I don't reply she continues
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> Yes. I was thinking perhaps it was to show her "friends" at school that what she did is all good now. Just a wise decision by her , that leads to everyone being accepting and happy.
> 
> She still texts me "good morning" and even though I don't reply she continues
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think she's regreting her actions and desitions. Regret eats you alive.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Yes. I was thinking perhaps it was to show her "friends" at school that what she did is all good now. Just a wise decision by her , that leads to everyone being accepting and happy.
> 
> She still texts me "good morning" and even though I don't reply she continues
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Reply..."please keep text messages to about our son only."


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Marriedman321.
I read your whole therad yesterday. Sorry to say this but it read like a latin soap opera.

From what i understood you were not a bad husband and father but your ex wife obviously has psychological problems that were deepend by all the deaths in the family and a ver disturbed mother.

It seems to me there was nothing you or anyone could have done, and she blew up the best thing that happend to her and broke up a family. That she'll have to live with the rest of her life and that's a lot to carry to the grave.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Regretf said:


> Marriedman321.
> I read your whole therad yesterday. Sorry to say this but it read like a latin soap opera.
> 
> From what i understood you were not a bad husband and father but your ex wife obviously has psychological problems that were deepend by all the deaths in the family and a ver disturbed mother.
> ...


Yes. And to be honest that's why I am handling this better than I thought. There is not much I could really do differently. And no I was not "perfect" but nobody is. Neither was she. If we are honest our wives are far from perfect, but it doesn't mean we leave them or dig up things that happened years ago as an excuse for leaving them. 

She will forever be a cheater, who cheated on her son's father. No matter how she wants to rewrite history, those would be the facts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

My X would complain I drank too much. But a short time before one of these 

complaints, she was gladly bringing me shot after shot....because I was having to

write her papers for an on-line class for college. In cases like this.... it is all 

about them. About a year later, she asked me to help her on another on-line

class. I refused. I told her the amount of liquor you would bring me

may lead you to think, I drink too much. She erupted. I laughed, WTFE.

We all make mistakes. Until she can admit hers and "own" them.... she will 

remain in this vicious cycle.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> Yes. And to be honest that's why I am handling this better than I thought. There is not much I could really do differently. And no I was not "perfect" but nobody is. Neither was she. If we are honest our wives are far from perfect, but it doesn't mean we leave them or dig up things that happened years ago as an excuse for leaving them.
> 
> She will forever be a cheater, who cheated on her son's father. No matter how she wants to rewrite history, those would be the facts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think what you said is important, we all make mistakes. You can't dig into the past too much, if you keep on living in the past, in events that happend years ago you'll never be able to move forward (which is what's happening with my W).

I believe your ex has more problems than cheating, mental issues maybe. And maybe your son as hard as it is is better off with me.

In my mind if a spouse cheats or is really bad for someone at the end of the day you're better off without that person. You can't regret what you did anyone would have divorced someone like your X. You tried and tried and tried to no avail. No regrets now for you.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Regretf said:


> I think what you said is important, we all make mistakes. You can't dig into the past too much, if you keep on living in the past, in events that happend years ago you'll never be able to move forward (which is what's happening with my W).
> 
> I believe your ex has more problems than cheating, mental issues maybe. And maybe your son as hard as it is is better off with me.
> 
> In my mind if a spouse cheats or is really bad for someone at the end of the day you're better off without that person. You can't regret what you did anyone would have divorced someone like your X. You tried and tried and tried to no avail. No regrets now for you.


Made the mistake of engaging with her. 

It has been 3 weeks since we live separately. I have to see her three times a week for the kids and our mediation. 

I have been doing a good job of not speaking with her , but it still always bothered me that after everything she never admitted to any wrong doing. 

So, she was texting me about our son and included "glad you are happy, I am happy for you"

It was one of those down days, and I replied who said I am happy? Much of the time I am angry about the situation ". It bothers me inside that she acts like her cheating had no effect on my life. 

And she replies with "why, I did nothing wrong. We were separated. I had no where to go"

I guess the above is why you should not engage an ex at all. 

She takes zero responsibility for cheating, because while cheating she moved to the couch. I was never told we were separated. There was no conversation. But this is her way of justifying her actions. In reality she lied to me for months about everything. 

The above type of statements I hear set me back a few days when it comes to healing. Wish I could just block her, but I can't as we have a son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

if her texts trigger you....stop the texts. I made my X only communicate

with me through emails. I told work....no calls from her period, don't want to know

if she calls, she did not know my cell #. But we did not have young children.

Emailing and texting are somewhat similar. If it triggers you...set up a 

friend as a liaison for child swaps. If it were a true emergency about your

child...I can assume she would call you. So try limiting the texts being answered or even seen 

to a minimum. Is your child old enough to have a pre-pay cell?

I promise you, the day is coming...where you will look at those text and see

her at child swap....look her right in the eyes and feel....nothing.

Women are very sharp on body cues...she will notice it. And then...all the 

texts and BS games will finally be over....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Mach would always say that just before she let OM slip his hand into her panties, she mentally divorced you. So you were divorced without knowing it. Her sleeping on the couch was proof.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That wasn't much of an engagement. You did okay.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Mach would always say that just before she let OM slip his hand into her panties, she mentally divorced you. So you were divorced without knowing it. Her sleeping on the couch was proof.


True. But you know what I mean. Maybe I was naieve but I didn't think the act of sleeping on the couch meant you were in love with another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

All men are naive when it comes to their wives.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is a coward, cheat and liar. She has demonstrated every reason why you should not want to stay with her for life. 

You love her, but that love will fade with time. Just stay the course. Focus on yourself and your kid.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

pretty soon you would rather walk in the snow, uphill, in -10 degree weather

than take a car ride with her. It's not overnight, it's a process.

You will have an "aha" day. Mine was 12/11/12. That day...everything changed


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Your wife is a coward, cheat and liar. She has demonstrated every reason why you should not want to stay with her for life.
> 
> You love her, but that love will fade with time. Just stay the course. Focus on yourself and your kid.


Exactly. That's what I needed to hear. 

You know, if I did what she did I would either apologize deeply, or want to just disappear after apologizing. 

However she keeps wanting me to go to this mandatory divorce class with her for four hours. Last week she even suggested she wanted to go across country to visit my family. (And she know they know the story and most likely despise her)

It almost seems she really convinced herself that having sex with another man while being married is not cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

it's her delusional thinking. when you try to re-write history... you write

the beginning and ending. Just call it the '1984 Big Brother' syndrome


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Exactly. That's what I needed to hear.
> 
> You know, if I did what she did I would either apologize deeply, or want to just disappear after apologizing.
> 
> ...


The human brain is an amazing machine. It can and will create an alternate reality to protect itself from trauma. Your WW is in a state of self induced psychosis. If she can maintain her own reality, while fending of the slings and arrows from you and tnose she is hurting, she hopes to outlast you all until the crisis period has past and all of you move on from it. 

Your WW started this self imposed brain-washing long before she ever started sleeping in that couch. It is sad that she did not have the courage to sit down and tell what she was feeling about the marriage. 

How do you think she will cope with the rest of her life? With this avoidance behavior? I don't see a rosy future for her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> So, she was texting me about our son and included "glad you are happy, I am happy for you"
> 
> It was one of those down days, and I replied who said I am happy? Much of the time I am angry about the situation ". It bothers me inside that she acts like her cheating had no effect on my life.
> 
> ...


Exactly. Lesson learned.

Next time she starts with that "Glad you are so happy" sh*t, it's just her way of trying to offload some guilt.

Don't engage it. If she pulls that again, don't even reply to it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Do you have a female friend? One who could have an active role in you and the 

Brazilian Snake's interaction? My best female friend / IC have done that.

When my 2nd love and I were having problems and I told her what

2nd love said...she called it for what it was....games. She taught me

how it is played out. She saved me a lot of time and grief. I returned the 

favor three years later when she went through a D. She was there for me

in 2012 during my darkest hours. So again, I owe her one. But like I told her,

I hope I never have to


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_" . . I did nothing wrong._

You have to accept that she really believes this and she will always believe this (she's not lying to you or putting on a front). Her value set and mind set are completely different than yours. A big part of *your* problem is that you spend so much time trying to reconcile her beliefs and actions to your own moral universe. 

Once you accept how deeply different the two of you are you will wonder why you never saw it earlier.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

BWBill said:


> _" . . I did nothing wrong._
> 
> You have to accept that she really believes this and she will always believe this (she's not lying to you or putting on a front). Her value set and mind set are completely different than yours. A big part of *your* problem is that you spend so much time trying to reconcile her beliefs and actions to your own moral universe.
> 
> Once you accept how deeply different the two of you are you will wonder why you never saw it earlier.


And some days I am really close to wanting to kick this other guys ass. Calling him. 

I never met him. I did talk to him on the phone in August. I noticed this number called about 10 times when my wife returned. 

He told me "oh no. I have a girlfriend. I am just friends with your wife's cousin. I have no interest in her at all. Only a friend I just met that I was worries about. Never would I want anything with her" etc. Then he proceeded to send my wife money for an attorney and her own apartment. With furniture. So now my son is hanging out on this guys furniture. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Ex wife behavior during divorce process*



marriedman321 said:


> Exactly. That's what I needed to hear.
> 
> You know, if I did what she did I would either apologize deeply, or want to just disappear after apologizing.
> 
> ...


Go to the divorce class alone.

My ex cheating wife was completely unapologetic, and to this day is completely unremorseful and believes she did what she had to for the sake of all, but in fact she was just impatient and selfish. She seems happier now, but the only relevant part is that I'm no longer stuck with her, and my own happiness is once again under my own control, and when she goes through her next destructive phase I'm well clear of the blast zone.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Lon said:


> Go to the divorce class alone.
> 
> My ex cheating wife was completely unapologetic, and to this day is completely unremorseful and believes she did what she had to for the sake of all, but in fact she was just impatient and selfish. She seems happier now, but the only relevant part is that I'm no longer stuck with her, and my own happiness is once again under my own control, and when she goes through her next destructive phase I'm well clear of the blast zone.


And as bwbill said, perhaps some of these people just have completely different moral codes. However that never stopped my wife from always putting down cheaters or the idea of cheating before. I guess if she cheats it would just be classified as "being separated"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> And as bwbill said, perhaps some of these people just have completely different moral codes. However that never stopped my wife from always putting down cheaters or the idea of cheating before. I guess if she cheats it would just be classified as "being separated"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, perhaps it is different morals, perhaps it is lack of integrity but for one who doesn't see anything wrong with either 1) sex with someone other than their spouse and/or 2) leaving a marriage they've made vows to with no reason other than to have a relationship with someone new, they will be dealing with a ton of cognitive dissonance - a lot of mindbending rationale to justify their choices.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Lon said:


> Yes, perhaps it is different morals, perhaps it is lack of integrity but for one who doesn't see anything wrong with either 1) sex with someone other than their spouse and/or 2) leaving a marriage they've made vows to with no reason other than to have a relationship with someone new, they will be dealing with a ton of cognitive dissonance - a lot of mindbending rationale to justify their choices.


Yes. Mine sort of snowballed, and still continues to this day by her actions. Now she even states we were separated in March. Even though I remember us happy and together on Mother's Day mid may. 

It's like she did one bad thing after another to me, then used my reaction as her justification for why we didn't work out. It was all created by herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> Yes. Mine sort of snowballed, and still continues to this day by her actions. Now she even states we were separated in March. Even though I remember us happy and together on Mother's Day mid may.
> 
> It's like she did one bad thing after another to me, then used my reaction as her justification for why we didn't work out. It was all created by herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yes, I remember about going through this with my ex too. She still claims that we were "separated" (however I suppose it just slipped her mind to tell me, move her stuff out of the house, or initiate any kind of actual physical or symbolic separation). The couple months leading up to her exit affair she was out partying with young singles from her hiphop dance class, and going out of town for dance competitions. Then suddenly she tells me how miserable her life is and she wants a divorce and doesn't think she is meant for marriage and needs a man that has energy who she has to run to keep up with yadda yadda. (all kinds of mumbo jumbo, conflicting BS), she used the "I need time and space" thing on me and her closest "real" friends as the permission in her mind to go get fcked (starting less than 48 hours after unloading her mumbo jumbo) by the multiple guys she was lining up while supposedly suffering in misery in such a horrible unfulfilling marriage. And though she has never once apologized, she felt compelled in the midst of her dirty hotel [email protected] to reveal to me that she thought she might be a sex addict??

I'm not meaning to hijack your thread, just letting you know that while there are always the tiniest grains of truth in a cheater's justification, it really is all of their own creation to choose to deceive their spouse, destroy their vows and break apart their family. They are the ones 100% in the wrong even if you are are not perfect. And you are better off not having a person like that close to you in your life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Have you gotten the ridiculous blameshifting of all the wrong things you did (from like three to six years ago, when you left dirty dishes in the sink, farted in bed, forgot to take out the trash, or one of the absolute dealbreakers like not doing a very good job with the special occassions like birthdays and anniversaries) yet?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Lon said:


> Have you gotten the ridiculous blameshifting of all the wrong things you did (from like three to six years ago, when you left dirty dishes in the sink, farted in bed, forgot to take out the trash, or one of the absolute dealbreakers like not doing a very good job with the special occassions like birthdays and anniversaries) yet?


Yes. A few months ago I asked why she wanted a divorce. She said I didn't buy yard lights she wanted. She said two years ago I wouldn't buy her a certain gym memebership. And of course she didn't cheat as we "weren't in a relationship". That's why she wanted a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

marriedman321 said:


> Has anyone else went through this? A wife who cheated, leaves, then acts like nothing happened? Not even an explanation or apology?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very typical cowardly behavior by cheating spouses.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> She felt compelled in the midst of her dirty hotel [email protected] to reveal to me that she thought she might be a sex addict??


She had acquired self knowledge. Enlightening.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Ex wife behavior during divorce process*



LongWalk said:


> She had acquired self knowledge. Enlightening.


I wonder if she's told her new H that she's a sex addict? Lol. For the record, I'm pretty sure she isn't a SA, she was just getting her kicks from the thrill of deception and whatever other selfish behavior she was indulging in. Though compared to the infrequency of sex we going through, it probably did seem to her like a drastically difference in that regard.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Lon said:


> I'm not meaning to hijack your thread, just letting you know that while there are always the tiniest grains of truth in a cheater's justification, it really is all of their own creation to choose to deceive their spouse, destroy their vows and break apart their family. They are the ones 100% in the wrong even if you are are not perfect. And you are better off not having a person like that close to you in your life.


Exactly. Even if our wives did not cheat, were they perfect? I could have had way more justification for cheating. If their is a "justification".

It just seems so wrong/ almost evil how they twist it to blame us. Especially if you were a man who took excellent care of his family, but then that was even twisted into " you didn't want me to work full time because you were controlling. Hahahaha. Yeah right I loved paying every single bill myself since we met. It was just me wanting to "control you". Like she didn't enjoy going to lunch everyday with friends for yeArs. She wanted to work and split bills but I did not let her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Yes. A few months ago I asked why she wanted a divorce. She said I didn't buy yard lights she wanted. She said two years ago I wouldn't buy her a certain gym memebership. And of course she didn't cheat as we "weren't in a relationship". That's why she wanted a divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love the really "out there excuses". One my stbx used was 5 years ago I went duck hunting in the Dakotas and I stayed and extra day.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Exactly. Even if our wives did not cheat, were they perfect? I could have had way more justification for cheating. If their is a "justification".
> 
> It just seems so wrong/ almost evil how they twist it to blame us. Especially if you were a man who took excellent care of his family, but then that was even twisted into " you didn't want me to work full time because you were controlling. Hahahaha. Yeah right I loved paying every single bill myself since we met. It was just me wanting to "control you". Like she didn't enjoy going to lunch everyday with friends for yeArs. She wanted to work and split bills but I did not let her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its just what they do and you will never understand the reason. Mine took great pride in her work. Got fired and was unemployed for 3 years. I called in a favor and got her a part time job to get her out of the house because she was always complaining she had no money that was "hers" and couldn't find a job. Once divorce started I too became "controlling" because I forced her to work against her will at a place she hated where my friends could watch her and report back to me what she was doing or some such nonsense. 

They just have this need to make us the monster and will spin each and everything you ever did while married as a justification. Bring up any happy occurrence from the past and she will have a very creative much different take on it now. Its all just part of the self propaganda they do to themselves.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

honcho said:


> Its just what they do and you will never understand the reason. Mine took great pride in her work. Got fired and was unemployed for 3 years. I called in a favor and got her a part time job to get her out of the house because she was always complaining she had no money that was "hers" and couldn't find a job. Once divorce started I too became "controlling" because I forced her to work against her will at a place she hated where my friends could watch her and report back to me what she was doing or some such nonsense.
> 
> They just have this need to make us the monster and will spin each and everything you ever did while married as a justification. Bring up any happy occurrence from the past and she will have a very creative much different take on it now. Its all just part of the self propaganda they do to themselves.


Lol. Glad it wasn't just me. That's the same type of nonsense I have heard for months. 

My wife decided she wanted to sleep on the couch. So I offered her the master bedroom. She said no. Then I asked why not the spare bedroom? She said no. Then right before she moved out she would say "I was forced to sleep on the couch for months".

And of course. If I pushed her to work earlier, then I would have been some cheapskate that wont support a wife and child. Since she stayed home it was twisted into "I wouldn't let her work". Can't win. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Lol. Glad it wasn't just me. That's the same type of nonsense I have heard for months.
> 
> My wife decided she wanted to sleep on the couch. So I offered her the master bedroom. She said no. Then I asked why not the spare bedroom? She said no. Then right before she moved out she would say "I was forced to sleep on the couch for months".
> 
> ...


In time you do learn to appreciate the humor in the wild spins they do and you probably will make jokes about it with your buddies. It just takes some time.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

honcho said:


> In time you do learn to appreciate the humor in the wild spins they do and you probably will make jokes about it with your buddies. It just takes some time.


I think there is almost some sort of shift amongst how women view marriage. And I say women because they initiate 70 percent of the divorces. 

You see, it isn't about family. A husband being supportive and a good provider. It is also about "her happiness" which trumps everything. The problem is many of these women were never "happy". They won't be "happy". So they go date, marry, procreate, then still seek "happiness" elsewhere. And instead of fixkng themselves, they slander and berate the men who took care of them and loved them. 

They ruin the lives of men, their children, and do it all over again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Lol. Glad it wasn't just me. That's the same type of nonsense I have heard for months.
> 
> My wife decided she wanted to sleep on the couch. So I offered her the master bedroom. She said no. Then I asked why not the spare bedroom? She said no. Then right before she moved out she would say "I was forced to sleep on the couch for months".
> 
> ...


 Look. You can do one of two things. You can move on and stop dwelling about the "coulda, shoulda and woulda's" because in all honesty you can sit down with her and ask questions until your blue in the face and she could give you all the answers you want and it still wont be good enough. I know this. I've been there. I had to learn the hard way. It took 40 yes 40 years to get the answers I wanted and when I heard them, it still wasn't good enough.

My advice to you is this. She wont accept wrong doing and you letting her dictate her affair and she wont stop until she has you so bamboozled that you'll be the one taking the blame for it.

Put a halt to it. Your divorced. You share a kid with her and any conversation you have to have with her should be about your kid and nothing else. Don't give her any information about whether or not if your seeing anyone or any other business. 

When she drops the kid off, meet her out side, and if she starts a conversation, walk away. Let her know that she's no longer in your life and don't give her any reason to think she is and don't invite her in the house.

She's playing you like a fiddle because she running the game. She's the dealer and your the one playing with the card she hands out to you and she's dealing cards from the bottom of the deck.

She has to learn that she can't play any more games with you and as long as you let her, your going to lose big time.

One more thing. if your able to do that be very prepared for this woman to use your kid as a weapon. DON'T FALL FOR IT. I got caught up in that game and believe me the only one who gets the shaft is the kid. 

Your relationship with her is over. Make sure she knows that. When she drops the kid off, go back in the house and say nothing. Let her walk on the hot coals. She started it and you need to finish it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

children are very often used as pawns in a chess game between spouses.

I saw it firsthand with my 2nd love. Her little brother would go to his dad's place

on the weekends and when he returned, his mom would ask, "where's the check."

Not once, 'did you have a good time' or 'what did you do.' Near the end,

I noticed 2nd love was a lot like her mom. So I ended things soon after 

college. My pop always told me, "You want to see your sweet thang in twenty

years.... look at her mom." He was spot on.

If you are divorced.... she is not your wife anymore. She is your ex.

I refer to mine as X or Window Cork.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> I think there is almost some sort of shift amongst how women view marriage. And I say women because they initiate 70 percent of the divorces.
> 
> *You see, it isn't about family. A husband being supportive and a good provider. It is also about "her happiness" which trumps everything.* The problem is many of these women were never "happy". They won't be "happy". So they go date, marry, procreate, then still seek "happiness" elsewhere. And instead of fixkng themselves, they slander and berate the men who took care of them and loved them.
> 
> ...


I can relate to what you are saying here, and no I don't believe this to be a misogynistic view - I was genuinely surprised when my ex W acted this way and I was even more surprised when I started reaching out for consolation and support just how common it is. I think many of us are blindsided (and I also think this can be very true if the genders were reversed).


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Lon said:


> I can relate to what you are saying here, and no I don't believe this to be a misogynistic view - I was genuinely surprised when my ex W acted this way and I was even more surprised when I started reaching out for consolation and support just how common it is. I think many of us are blindsided (and I also think this can be very true if the genders were reversed).


So my wife dropped my son off for the weekend. 

There were a few items she requested in the divorce left that I had ready to give her. A microwave, camera, cappucinno machine etc. 

I put these outside and was going to carry to her car. What does she do? Pick the heaviest item first and act as if she is really struggling. This always seemed to be her personality. Maybe another thing to say "poor me" about. 

I also decided to give back her dads wedding ring that she have me a month ago. Not sure why she wanted me to have this, but I have it back. I felt I might have been too much of a jerk. But really had no use for it. 

So then what happens? I drop my son off at school and she asks me if she can come make us chicken soup Wednesday. What? I told her no it isn't appropriate and I don't need it. Not sure what is going on in her head but when I said that it seemed to hurt her feelings again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OM is not around her most of the time, so she is a free agent. She is maintaining you as the object of pity.

Chicken soup is what we feed the sick. She wants to mother you a little. Since she is rather narcissistic she assume that she has ruined your life. She is sorry about that and doesn't want to discuss it, but she condescendingly figures your soul needs some soup.

What you really need is a juicy steak and a bottle of good red wine. You may not be ready to date yet. But the sooner you excise your ex from your day to day existence, the sooner you can laugh and enjoy your life.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> OM is not around her most of the time, so she is a free agent. She is maintaining you as the object of pity.
> 
> Chicken soup is what we feed the sick. She wants to mother you a little. Since she is rather narcissistic she assume that she has ruined your life. She is sorry about that and doesn't want to discuss it, but she condescendingly figures your soul needs some soup.
> 
> What you really need is a juicy steak and a bottle of good red wine. You may not be ready to date yet. But the sooner you excise your ex from your day to day existence, the sooner you can laugh and enjoy your life.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
You need to start casually dating.
I know it is tough at first especially for me it was being married for 15 years.
Go through the first and it gets easier.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Chicken soup? Well it does cure everything now doesn't it? She probably did have hurt feelings by you turning down her offer. Her own ego is telling her you can't live without her. She still wants you to he attached to her in some way. 
She is doing you the favor of being around her more than her wanting to do something for you or your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> My pop always told me, "You want to see your sweet thang in twenty
> 
> years.... look at her mom." He was spot on.
> 
> ...


Yeah, my Grand dad told me the same thing.
Little did I know that I met her mother at THE most functional point in her life. 

Warranty ran out on her the day her second husband left her because he hadnt had sex with her in three years.

Ah well....live and learn.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> OM is not around her most of the time, so she is a free agent. She is maintaining you as the object of pity.
> 
> Chicken soup is what we feed the sick. She wants to mother you a little. Since she is rather narcissistic she assume that she has ruined your life. She is sorry about that and doesn't want to discuss it, but she condescendingly figures your soul needs some soup.
> 
> What you really need is a juicy steak and a bottle of good red wine. You may not be ready to date yet. But the sooner you excise your ex from your day to day existence, the sooner you can laugh and enjoy your life.



Very insightful post. This is completely true. 

Mine did exact same thing (albeit with fideo instead of chicken noodle being a Hispanic woman). She made it and put it in a bag and sent it over with the kids. Didn't know it was in there for a couple of days. While I was pouring down the sink I got an angry email from her asking where her thank you was and that it was the last time she does something nice for me.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

CeeGee,

Been ages since I read your thread. What is she doing today? What sort of contact do you have?

Seems so strange that ReGroup, Mavash and Conrad are all gone. 

Sorry for the thread jack.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> CeeGee,
> 
> Been ages since I read your thread. What is she doing today? What sort of contact do you have?
> 
> ...


Saw her today at sons school. 

That's why I'm on TAM tonight 

Really miss Mav's insight. Would be useful on this thread.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Very insightful post. This is completely true.
> 
> Mine did exact same thing (albeit with fideo instead of chicken noodle being a Hispanic woman). She made it and put it in a bag and sent it over with the kids. Didn't know it was in there for a couple of days. While I was pouring down the sink I got an angry email from her asking where her thank you was and that it was the last time she does something nice for me.


Haha. The way she put it to me was "it will break my heart if you don't accept". And I told her no really, it is fine. I do not want it. Which led her to texting me later "I should have known better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Haha. The way she put it to me was "it will break my heart if you don't accept". And I told her no really, it is fine. I do not want it. Which led her to texting me later "I should have known better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Narco drama queen


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't take her back under any circumstances.

Do not sleep with her ever again.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Don't take her back under any circumstances.
> 
> Do not sleep with her ever again.


I have a question and any insight would be helpful. 

As this divorce is a few days from being final, I am doing fairly well. But I have a bigger concern. 

As for a little background, my ex knew that her mom was a narcissist. Her dad was afraid of her mom, and although married for 50 years could never side with the children. My wife even told me she never wanted a daughter because she might do the same to her. My wife knows she was raised and formed by a narcissist. 

I have been researching narcissism for over a year, and my ex fits every single category to a tee. The way she built me up, and discarded me. Her narcissistic rage. Her inability to ever be criticized. Putting 1000 photos of herself on facebook. Her smear campaign of me. I can go on and on to describe the hell I went through. 

So here is my problem. She is the primary parent for my son. I do not want him to turn out the same. 

What are my options?

A. Hope that he simply does not?

B. write her an email offering help And explaining my concerns , and that this is for the sake of my son?

Right now he is only three. Any advice on this next step?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How much custody can you get? The more time you spend with him, the better he will cope.

If almost 100 percent of his time is with her, she and her selfish needs will form him.

One thousand pics on Facebook... yikes. Such vanity.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> How much custody can you get? The more time you spend with him, the better he will cope.
> 
> If almost 100 percent of his time is with her, she and her selfish needs will form him.
> 
> One thousand pics on Facebook... yikes. Such vanity.


Well her mom in a way, fed her to be a very obese child. So as to not compete with her. My wife then sort of snapped at the age of 18, and became a work out fanatic. Was in magazines etc. 

So yes, her pics were not sexual, but virtually a different head shot everyday. And of course none of me. 

She already only cares about my son as an extension of her. Nice clothes etx. She won't potty train him. Won't brush his teeth etc. 

Right now I have him 35 percent of the time, plus half of all vacations, so close to 40 percent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Think long term. 

Don't look for her to help you with this so don't bother emailing her. 

Be the best parent you can be. 

Document everything. 

Always be open an honest with your son. Teach him to be the same with you. If he begins to share things about his mom with you deal with his feelings about it. Don't denigrate her. Let him learn on his own while helping him cope with his feelings. 

A child can still thrive in this situation and be normal.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

A true narcissist would not worry about their own behavior, since they would be completely ok with their conduct. If she is/was ever really concerned about how her behavior could potentially harm a child, then she's not really a narcissist, but may undoubtedly have narcissistic-tendencies.

If you cannot seek primary custody, then be as open and supportive of your son as possible. Let him ask any question he likes, and frequently and verbally remind him how fabulous he is.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> A true narcissist would not worry their own behavior, since they would be completely ok with their conduct. If she is/was ever really concerned about how her behavior could potentially harm a child, then she's not really a narcissist, but may undoubtedly have narcissistic-tendencies.
> 
> If you cannot seek primary custody, then be as open and supportive of your son as possible. Let him ask any question he lifes, and frequently and verbally remind him how fabulous he is.



PD's know what is socially acceptable and can be excellent actors.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> A true narcissist would not worry their own behavior, since they would be completely ok with their conduct. If she is/was ever really concerned about how her behavior could potentially harm a child, then she's not really a narcissist, but may undoubtedly have narcissistic-tendencies.
> 
> If you cannot seek primary custody, then be as open and supportive of your son as possible. Let him ask any question he lifes, and frequently and verbally remind him how fabulous he is.


What are Pd's? 

Well she tried to keep my kid in another country before with no remorse. Feeds him junk. Won't potty train him or brush his teeth. Keeps him at a daycare that isn't even a school so she can be with him 24 7. Always seemed jealous when my son would show love for me etc. So she does harm him 

But female narcissists are a bit different than males. They use their kids as an extension of them. And anyway, the vast majority of narcississ aren't out violently assaulting people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> What are Pd's?
> 
> Well she tried to keep my kid in another country before with no remorse. Feeds him junk. Won't potty train him or brush his teeth. Keeps him at a daycare that isn't even a school so she can be with him 24 7. Always seemed jealous when my son would show love for me etc. So she does harm him
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> What are Pd's?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



PD = personality disorder

Continue to document stuff like that. 

Think long term. 

If she is disordered, she will not change when you divorce. If anything, the contrast will grow without you to balance her out.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I'd call her a delusional sociopath but.... I'm not a doctor


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> I'd call her a delusional sociopath but.... I'm not a doctor


We had our final mediation last week and thjngs for pretty heated. I wanted to put adultery in as my reason for divorce. 

My thinking was that one day she will twist this around, and that she will claim I left her. She was against this. 

So she wanted to put "we were separated for 8 months and just living together so we decided to divorce" 

That's when I lost it. Separated 8 months? We never had any separation talk. Really angered me she could never admit any wrongdoing. 

Long story short we left being angry at each other. 

Then I drop my son off at school and she comes to get him. She gets real close to give me a hug and is crying. Then says"oh this is so weird. We can't hug"

I just move away a bit and don't say much of anything. 

Then she tells me she is upset because she saw a romantic movie the night before and reminded her of me. She wants me to see the movie. 

So I just left and she starts texting me. How our son is like me. How she wishes she met my mom etc etc. 

I am not responding. Then she starts to get "bossy". Telling me to be careful when I have HER son. Telling me not to lose his thjngs. Etc. I never lost anything of his and he never was hurt in my care. 

I finally texted her to please just text me only regarding our son, and I don't need to hear about her emotions to which she didn't reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's sometjing else alright.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> We had our final mediation last week and thjngs for pretty heated. I wanted to put adultery in as my reason for divorce.
> 
> My thinking was that one day she will twist this around, and that she will claim I left her. She was against this.
> 
> ...


If you got everything else done and are just haggling over the language of why your getting divorce just put the old standby irreconcilable differences and get it done.

She is going to spin and twist the story no matter what the official papers way anyway.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

honcho said:


> If you got everything else done and are just haggling over the language of why your getting divorce just put the old standby irreconcilable differences and get it done.
> 
> She is going to spin and twist the story no matter what the official papers way anyway.


Have you read what honcho and LBHmidwest are going through?
It could be worse.
Yes she is nuts.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

That "boyfriend" who gave her all that money, did he really give it to her or lead her to believe he would? 

Is there filling your shoes? I don't think so, otherwise why would she be so incessantly trying to engage you. 

It must be tempting to say something like: "You sold your vagina to another man because he flattered you and now you want me to hug you. Why on earth would I want to do that?"

Speaking of movies, did you ever watch Young Adult? Charlize Theron is a great actress. Sadly you wife ought to watch that movie.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> That "boyfriend" who gave her all that money, did he really give it to her or lead her to believe he would?
> 
> Is there filling your shoes? I don't think so, otherwise why would she be so incessantly trying to engage you.
> 
> ...


The way I found out about the affair was when I opened her mail and saw the money transfers in her bank statement. From him to her. 

She did have money then for an apartment and an attorney. Furniture etc. 

I have continuously and rudely denied all of her hug approaches but maybe now it seems to be more of a challenge to her. I have no idea where this guy is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

When she tries to hug you, tell her you want her to be true to the man she loves.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

Don't bother mate just get on with your life, you deserve so much better. Stay strong and really focus on you. 180 all the way.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She will never be honest with you because she can not be honest with herself....it's time to let it go and move on with your life with your son...good luck and be happy


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Been doing much better, and usually just come here to share and vent..

But last night was so pissed all over again.. I usually never use any sort of messaging service , but downloaded "whatsapp"

So, after this was downloaded i clicked to add contacts. My ex wife photo pops up as she was in my contacts.. I had no idea how this even works..

And in her profile photo she is with this guy, and he is kissing her neck. Must have been put their months ago as she has a new number since then.

Bothered me for several reasons, but mainly wondering why a 39 yo woman who is cheating, with a kid, would seemingly not care for others to see what she is doing..Why the need to post that photo like a teenager? I know I just need to move on, but it is still irritating nonetheless.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

See it at as confirmation of your need to move on. Don't become a victim of her, you're a good guy, seek some IC to help process this. Focus on you its all you can control atm. I'm not quite in the same boat, I expect a new man to be revealed at some point And she will act like he is "new" I'm sure that will make me feel like crap for a bit and angry, but ultimately she will have to live with it. I realise now that seeing her moving on his hard because that's about her detaching, I have started heavily detaching even though I still feel love for her, that will go away soon enough if I keep going and as a result of doing it I am suffering less emotionally. Thinking of you and good luck mate.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Copy the picture and the next time she tries to hug you, whip it out and look at. When she asks what the picture is show it to her.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Everything she does or says to you is a means to control you. 

She reminds me of Regroups wife. 

Look up his thread and pay attention to what Mavash says.

Edit: talking to or explaining anything to a woman such as this is like Chinese handcuffs. Keep any and all contact to a bare minimum. Seriously.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The reason why you are angry is because she still has the power to affect you.

Your not detach enough.

Your focus is still placed on her and what she is doing.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

She does have that power. That's her plan. That's how she operates. 

OP has been living this for years. 

Step 1 - break contact.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

Step 2 - continue to break contact.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I strongly suggest you set up counselling for yourself (if you haven't yet) and also for your kid. You might think it's too soon, but years 3-6 are the most precious formative years for people, so it's vitally important you and your kid go to a very good family therapist. They will learn and help him through playing, they will give you great advice. I think that if in the future you'll continue to be a great parent AND provide your son with professional help (through therapists), he'll have great chances of becoming an emotionally healthy individual, despite his mother.

I'd also recommend you ask the therapist for plenty of advice and for plenty of recommendations on which parenting books to read. The better you'll be as a father and the more you'll take care of his emotional and psychological well-being, the better off he'll be.

Also, be extremelly dilligent in documenting your behaviour and actions with your son and her behaviour. Talk to your lawyer about how to go about building a case for increased custody. Ask the therapist you'll take if she would be willing to testify if it will be needed.

Also, I'd recommend reading the book "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward. If you google it, you'll find a pdf online for free. It will give you an insight into your XW and the environment your soon will be growing up in, and that will give you information needed to adjust your parenting to counteract the detrimental effects.

This site might also be helpful - Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com

Best wishes


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You want her to validate your emotions and reasonings.

That this is wrong.

You want her to see this from your view point.

Not going to happen.

You can't control her, and you can't make her feel the way you want, so yu get frustrated.

That is why you need to let go.

This anger and frustration isn't doing you any good.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

everyone telling you this has been there, me included


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> everyone telling you this has been there, me included


You guys are right. Feel so much better with letting go. Ignoring her messages. 

This morning she texted me that she went to church and will pray for all of us. Not sure what that means but didn't reply. 

Then a few hours later she texted me telling me not to tell my son to keep secrets from her as she asked how his weekend was and he replied "can't tell. It's a secret". Then she ends the text with "sorry for bothering you"

Now in the past I would have immediately replied telling her how ridiculous she is for accusing me of that. 

Today I just didn't reply to anythjng as I see what she is doing more clearly. Either trying to get a response by being nice, or trying to get a response by accusing me of something. 
Then I am drawn into some illogical and circular argument that just irritates me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

it is her circle of deception, shame, lies, manipulation

she lives in this 24 / 7/ It is all she knows.


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