# She doesn't respect me



## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

Now I have my answer to why I've spent the last two years struggling with rejection to my sexual advances. Four years ago, I went back to college to get an electrical engineering degree after working over 20 years as an electronics engineer with only an electronics technology degree. I finished my last final exam two days ago and graduated. She worked the whole time until she got fired a month ago. Initially, she agreed to take this on, but now, she now resents having to support me for the last four years. 

She doesn't respect me, but she said she loves me. I don't see how that's possible. I could never love someone who I don't respect. I have my answer -- checkmate. I think I'm officially finished with this topic. It's time to move on to the 'Considering Divorce or Separation' topic. Thanks to all who have assisted me in tampering with the impossible.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your thread has not changed in theme, really. So moving it and starting new threads gets you nothing. If you want to restart in divorce and separation. Copy your most important posts from the past as background.

Your wife has not been communicating well. Over that long period of time, 4 years, she has resented you and kept silent. Now that you have your degree have you celebrated?

Perhaps you should have party and you should make a point of saying that she did a great job.

Presumably you will get better pay now.

Read MMSLP. If you are really tired of this struggle, do the 180 and get ready to D. Maybe your wife will put in the effort to win you back as the consequences of divorce stare her in the face.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

In what way does she not respect you?

because she had to support you through getting your degree?

this doesn't make any sense.
how long did she support you? were you working or bringing in any $ during finishing your degree.

on the surface, this sounds utterly rediculous. you are now a fully degreed electrical engineer and she doesn't respect you?

what do you have to do to earn her respect? be einstein?

this gets my dander up. unless there's more to it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sorry, didn't see the 'last four years' part.

ok, that's a pretty long time.

still doesn't justify lack of respect, unless you were just taking it easy and too long to get the degree. did you work part time while in school? bring in any $ at all?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If the show was on the other foot, how would she feel if you told her the same thing. Ever ask her that?


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## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> sorry, didn't see the 'last four years' part.
> 
> ok, that's a pretty long time.
> 
> still doesn't justify lack of respect, unless you were just taking it easy and too long to get the degree. did you work part time while in school? bring in any $ at all?


No, I didn't work part time. I took classes full time the entire time, including Summer. Only three classes transferred from the technology degree from 1985. At some times, I worked about 70 hours per week learning and applying advanced mathematics to engineering problems. Most of the time, I was able to carry at least my share of the chores at home. Sometimes, she had to take on more than her share. It's not like I spent hours on the sofa eating potato chips in my underwear scratching my balls while I watched Seinfeld reruns.

There are some people who managed to work part time while going through the program. Unfortunately, I am not blessed with that kind of mental stamina. 

I did the best I could and earned a 3.35 GPA overall. I am an accomplished engineer with patents and international conference speaking experience. Now she's free to select a more respectable companion from the pool of middle-aged divorcees.


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## jdoe (Apr 22, 2014)

What you've done, getting an engineering degree mid-life, sounds like a big achievement. If your wife doesn't respect that... she's on a different planet than you. What is her side of the story, as best as you can tell?


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## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

6301 said:


> If the show was on the other foot, how would she feel if you told her the same thing. Ever ask her that?


I didn't ask her that. I respect her. Maybe I should have mentioned that she finished up her doctorate in educational leadership during the first year we were married while working full time. She is accomplished in her profession, is a brilliant manager, and regularly speaks at regional and national conferences. Maybe she's just out of my league.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

HardLanden said:


> Maybe she's just out of my league.


Only if you believe she is...


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Why did she get fired? Is it possible that this has less to do with respect than it has to do with her emotional churning over losing her job?

I understand that the firing doesn't explain the sexual coldness over the past two years, but maybe job concerns played a role there, too.

You could well be right, but this piece seemed worth exploring.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> on the surface, this sounds utterly rediculous. you are now a fully degreed electrical engineer and she doesn't respect you?.



If respect was proportional to the number of college degrees I'd be up there with Moses and Aretha Franklin... My wife too (3 degrees each)

Could it be she resents paying for you to get ahead while she was "stuck"???

Can you repay the favor and send her to college on your dime?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

HardLanden said:


> I didn't ask her that. I respect her. Maybe I should have mentioned that she finished up her doctorate in educational leadership during the first year we were married while working full time. She is accomplished in her profession, is a brilliant manager, and regularly speaks at regional and national conferences. Maybe she's just out of my league.


She worked full time while getting a doctorate but you couldn't work at all for 4 years? Almost everyone I knew (over the age of 19) worked at least part time during college. Anyway, I do think it's hard for women to respect men who they have to support. I know, I know, it's not fair. But that's how it is.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well, it may be the difference in degree levels, tho I would think a BSEE is orders of magnitude harder than a phd in education etc. 

And how exactly does one get fired from such a position? Do you have specifics?


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## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

jdoe said:


> What is her side of the story, as best as you can tell?


Her initial story was that stress from work caused her sexual interest to decline. Then, she had to quit drinking when she was diagnosed with diabetes and that took the passion out of sex and that was responsible for the decline. Until last night, I only knew the symptom, which is unsatisfying, infrequent intamacy. I don't feel loved.

Last night, we were arguing about whether the central air was capable of protecting itself against freeze-up if it ran for an extended period of time. She stormed out of the house and returned hour later to tell me that the root of our problem was that she doesn't respect me. That makes more sense than her earlier explanations.

GTdad: The problems pre-date her losing her job. She started this new job a year ago. I'm convinced that it's lack of respect.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

john117 said:


> Well, it may be the difference in degree levels, tho I would think a BSEE is orders of magnitude harder than a phd in education etc.
> 
> And how exactly does one get fired from such a position? Do you have specifics?


Yes, if she looks down on him from her Phd pedestal down to his BSEE, I don't buy it. Doesn't jive. He would have every right to look down on her if it got down to petty brass tacks.

I'm thinking there is more to this than just education issues.

hardlanden; can you try to explain a bit more of her lack of respect. not to churn the knife in, but to decipher if this is really over, and if it is, what can be learned not only from this, but your future relationships.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Wow telling a man you dont respect him is very hurtful. Men thrive on respect. Hell I dont even know you and I have respect for you finishing a 4 year degree in engineering.

If I were you I would fire one back and so I am ok with that because I respect you but I really don't love you. 

See how that one settles with her.


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## HardLanden (Oct 31, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> can you try to explain a bit more of her lack of respect. not to churn the knife in, but to decipher if this is really over, and if it is, what can be learned not only from this, but your future relationships.


(We might need a female member to interpret). She told me that she no longer wants to be the breadwinner in the household. (There is no bread at the moment, of course, because we're both unemployed). She said that she respected her ex-husband while they were married and gave him 100%. After 19 years, he went to China and brought home a teenage bride, and divorced her. She told me that, as a result, she was unable to give me 100%. She said that she was unable to submit to my leadership of the household. She said that she loves me but does not respect me.

I thought that I applied my lesson from my last marriage by only considering well educated women as potential companions. Now, I'm trying to read the fine print.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

That's hard to hear. The number #1 thing that drives men is respect.

A EE is no small feat. It is one of the more difficult degrees to earn. Congratulations! Not many people could do that. You should be proud ... not only for earning the degree but for deciding to continue your education later in life and seeing it through. Not many people do that either.

Let's see ... she can't make up her mind as what the reason of the day is that she doesn't want sex. She just got fired from her job and likely that didn't come out of the blue. Suddenly she declares she doesn't respect you. Sounds to me that the real problem is that she is struggling to respect herself.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

HardLanden said:


> I thought that I applied my lesson from my last marriage by only considering well educated women as potential companions. Now, I'm trying to read the fine print.



The more education the more the feeling of entitlement and the more resentment as things don't pan out...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> That's hard to hear. The number #1 thing that drives men is respect.
> 
> A EE is no small feat. It is one of the more difficult degrees to earn. Congratulations! Not many people could do that. You should be proud ... not only for earning the degree but for deciding to continue your education later in life and seeing it through. Not many people do that either.
> 
> ...


Just to expand on this thought a bit. People who struggle to respect themselves tend to do one of two things. Either they lose interest in sex or they use it to fill a void. In either case, they have an unhealthy attitude towards sex because they have an unhealthy attitude towards themselves. Frequently they also project their problems on situations or people close to them, especially their significant other.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We all need to have a basic degree of respect for each other as human beings. I had a long-term partner who didn't work and this went on for 15 years - me struggling to make ends meet while he dossed around getting stoned most of the time. Although we got on really well and the sex was brilliant, towards the end I did lose respect because he would go from one year to the next without even applying for a job. Sadly, we spent the last 18 months of our time together without any sex at all. Despite the fact that the sex really was mind-blowing, there were just too many other things wrong in the relationship and I just found it more and more difficult to put that aside and enjoy sex. He was really HD and I do think it's a measure of his love for me that he put up with this sexless relationship. We eventually split up (that was down to me) and within a year he got a job and still has it four years down the line. I know he still holds a candle for me and I think it's really sad that he wasn't willing to make the change until it was too late. However, I'm pleased that he's now sorted himself out and is working. I don't see him any more, but my kids do keep in touch with him. The lack of respect I felt for him has now gone - after all, I respect the fact that he made the effort needed and sorted himself out and I wish him well for the future.

It may not just be a lack of respect that is causing problems for you, OP, it's probably a combination of things. You're both educated people, so you should be able to collaborate on sorting out the problems you have. You need to schedule a chat to discuss the state of your relationship - both state what your perceived problems are and then come up with way of tackling those problems together. Have some rules for when you have this talk - admit that you both have problems, nobody is to be acrimonious in any way, no taking things personally, no name calling, no saying anything nasty about the other, and no taking offence too readily. As I've said, your educations should help the two of you to come up with a plan to sort out your problems or make the decision to move on. I'm wishing you every luck with doing this.


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## jdoe (Apr 22, 2014)

It's ironic that Mrs. I-got-a-Ph.D.-in-Education appears to have an antiquated view of marriage. In my opinion, marriage isn't about leadership; it's about partnership. Looking for a leader in a marriage... doesn't sound like a very educated outlook. Maybe you should tell her you've lost respect for her because of her anachronistic view of marriage 

People get jobs, people lose jobs. But it sounds like BOTH of you are hard working, and love each other. I respect both of you for that.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

She wasted your time. She clearly never got over marriage number 1 and the way it ended.

But I too dont understand not at least working partime while earning a degree.

Thats besides the point though. Point is you cant earn her respect now. Its too late in her eyes.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

HardLanden said:


> (We might need a female member to interpret). She told me that she no longer wants to be the breadwinner in the household. (There is no bread at the moment, of course, because we're both unemployed). She said that she respected her ex-husband while they were married and gave him 100%. After 19 years, he went to China and brought home a teenage bride, and divorced her. She told me that, as a result, she was unable to give me 100%. She said that she was unable to submit to my leadership of the household. She said that she loves me but does not respect me.


So, she could not give you 100% and that was fine, but when you weren't giving her 100% you're the bad guy? It sounds like she got jobbed and wants someone to make it up to her.

Questions: did you quit your previous job to go back to school? How has your salary potential increased now that you have the most appropriate degree for your field? If she were to claim that your educational experience was a significant net loss for the family, would she have a point?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

sinnister said:


> But I too dont understand not at least working partime while earning a degree.


I think that might have been a bad long-term idea. He can't work full time and go to school full time. So his choices are to work P/T at Starbucks (or something equivalent) and take six years to graduate (cutting his load to 2 classes), or keep his old job and get a degree over 10 years, one class at a time.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

jdoe said:


> It's ironic that Mrs. I-got-a-Ph.D.-in-Education appears to have an antiquated view of marriage. In my opinion, marriage isn't about leadership; it's about partnership. Looking for a leader in a marriage... doesn't sound like a very educated outlook. Maybe you should tell her you've lost respect for her because of her anachronistic view of marriage
> 
> People get jobs, people lose jobs. But it sounds like BOTH of you are hard working, and love each other. I respect both of you for that.


I don't think this is a leadership issue, at least not as that word is traditionally defined. It's a euphemism for "you were supposed to take care of me and put me first".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HardLanden said:


> (We might need a female member to interpret). She told me that she no longer wants to be the breadwinner in the household. (There is no bread at the moment, of course, because we're both unemployed). She said that she respected her ex-husband while they were married and gave him 100%. After 19 years, he went to China and brought home a teenage bride, and divorced her. She told me that, as a result, she was unable to give me 100%. She said that she was unable to submit to my leadership of the household. She said that she loves me but does not respect me.
> 
> I thought that I applied my lesson from my last marriage by only considering well educated women as potential companions. Now, I'm trying to read the fine print.


How did you pay for your education the last 4 years? Loans? did she pay? was it joint savings?

With your schedule the way it was, have you two had much time to spend together over the last 4 years?

I supported my ex through medical school. One of the major contributors to our problems was that he would not make time for us to spend together. With no time together things just went down hill.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

HardLanden said:


> She stormed out of the house and returned hour later to tell me that the root of our problem was that she doesn't respect me. That makes more sense than her earlier explanations.
> .


jeez calm down. Sounds like there were some festering issues, and she got mad and just blurted out some stuff during the argument.

Engineers think in one way, educators have different brains. Because of that COMMUNICATIONS will always be a problem for you two. BUt you supported her during her PHD, she supported you during your EE....that counts for a lot. Don't do anything rash, find a MC and work out these issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> jeez calm down. Sounds like there were some festering issues, and she got mad and just blurted out some stuff during the argument.
> 
> Engineers think in one way, educators have different brains. Because of that COMMUNICATIONS will always be a problem for you two. BUt you supported her during her PHD, she supported you during your EE....that counts for a lot. Don't do anything rash, find a MC and work out these issues.


I agree with this. Sometimes when a person is upset they spew things that they really do not mean. Unfortunately she cannot take it back now. Right now she might be in a very bad place emotionally due to losing her job. 

But the two of you have been supportive of each other. She did support you for four years. That counts for a lot.

See if the two of you can talk this through calmly and find common ground.


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## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)




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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Bagdon's thread.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm getting the sense for whatever reason...maybe it's that she never really got over her first marriage...she's simply not feeling it with you. Now she's trying to find a way to verbalize what she's feeling and not doing a very good job of it. 

Any way you cut it I think it's important that at this stage you get your life in order. Get healthy, get fit and get control of your finances. Counselling of some sort can be very helpful to keep things in perspective while you go through this. She may grow to respect you if you get control of your life...or she may not. 

Either way it's what you need to do to be prepared for either outcome.


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