# I think I'm ready to leave...



## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I posted about 6 months ago. I think my husband is a narc. I grew up with a narc mom... so I think that's part of how I got in this situation. I've always been bad at picking partners. 
I'm sick of my husband. Sick of his narcissistic ways. I just got a promotion at work.. meaning now we both work 40 hours a week.. and he has not stepped up to help me with the house work, or our toddler. He smokes weed. Everyday. I am not totally against it but I don't think he needs it everyday... and we don't have the budget for it. 
He does NOT care if I orgasm. He does not even try to please me, yet he wants me to go down on him EVERYTIME. If I don't, he will just watch porn. Lately I have been withholding oral, because he never returns the favor, so he just watches porn... he doesnt want anything to do with me sexually If I don't go down on him.
He had an emotional affair about 6 months ago. He was texting a girl at his old job everyday. Over 50 messages a day. Somedays they would text from 8am to 12pm. I never actually saw every text, so I never got proof if it was physical. I believe deep down that it was a physical affair but he would never admit it.
I've tried to get over it... but with the weed smoking.. the bad sex... and his lack of help around the house... I just can't.
My son and I went to visit my husband at his new job today. He works in a restaurant (he just started this job 2 or so months ago). When we sat down, he told the guy that was working with him that if he needed him, just let him know. The guy said "no man, spend time with your family, im ok"... so hes sitting with us.... a woman he works with walks in and he jumps up to go help her do something in the back office on the computer. The guy hes working with (an older man) comes to me and my son and says "There is nothing he is doing back there that needs to be done right now. He's only back there because she is here... im just an old man... but this sh*t pisses me off"
I can't help but wonder if he is having another affair. 
I'm sick of wondering. Sick of waiting.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the crazy one. Would anyone else deal with a lazy husband, dad, and lover? 


Do I have grounds to leave? I have dreams of moving back home... near the beach.. near my family... I just started working full time and could support my son and I on my own (could not do this when I posted last).. I just don't know If it's worth it to tear my family apart. 
Thanks for reading my long crazy post!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

What a selfish *******

Go back home with your son...to the beach, no less.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

lol... I think I am having a little bit of that "seasonal affective disorder". 
I moved 6 hours from my family (and the beach) when we got married (his family is form here). In ways I am glad that I did, because I am not sure if I would have ended up where I am now (career wise)... I'm just ready to throw in the towel and go back home. and give up on this marriage ...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He sounds young and immature. I would leave him for the weed smoking alone. Your son shouldn't be around that. He is being a bad role model for him. He sounds selfish and it sounds like he is cheating on you.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> lol... I think I am having a little bit of that "seasonal affective disorder".
> I moved 6 hours from my family (and the beach) when we got married (his family is form here). In ways I am glad that I did, because I am not sure if I would have ended up where I am now (career wise)... I'm just ready to throw in the towel and go back home. and give up on this marriage ...


don't blame you


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

thesky1291 said:


> Do I have grounds to leave? I have dreams of moving back home... near the beach.. near my family... I just started working full time and could support my son and I on my own (could not do this when I posted last).. I just don't know If it's worth it to tear my family apart.
> Thanks for reading my long crazy post!


Nobody has to tell you that you have grounds to leave, or give you approval either way. You are perfectly within your rights to leave if you are miserable. Your son is just a toddler and will adjust way more easily than if you wait another year or two.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Yeah Sorry. Kitchen staff workers are usually rife with drug use so his quitting wont be a long lived thing. 

Sit him down and make absolutely sure he knows this is the last strike. That way you can leave knowing you gave it your all.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> I posted about 6 months ago. I think my husband is a narc. I grew up with a narc mom... so I think that's part of how I got in this situation. I've always been bad at picking partners.
> I'm sick of my husband. Sick of his narcissistic ways. I just got a promotion at work.. meaning now we both work 40 hours a week.. and he has not stepped up to help me with the house work, or our toddler. He smokes weed. Everyday. I am not totally against it but I don't think he needs it everyday... and we don't have the budget for it.
> He does NOT care if I orgasm. He does not even try to please me, yet he wants me to go down on him EVERYTIME. If I don't, he will just watch porn. Lately I have been withholding oral, because he never returns the favor, so he just watches porn... he doesnt want anything to do with me sexually If I don't go down on him.
> He had an emotional affair about 6 months ago. He was texting a girl at his old job everyday. Over 50 messages a day. Somedays they would text from 8am to 12pm. I never actually saw every text, so I never got proof if it was physical. I believe deep down that it was a physical affair but he would never admit it.
> ...


File for divorce ASAP.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Sorry you are going through this.  

Why did you not pursue the truth surrounding the EA/PA from 6 months ago?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

This guy doesn't sound like he has many redeemable qualities. Leave.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Part of the reason I stayed after the EA is because we had JUST bought a house together. Like we closed on the house the day before I found out about it. It was a crappy situation. I was supposed to be excited about this new house and couldn't be because of that... I feel stuck. What happens to the house?? And our two year old?? I can't afford the house on my own. But I could afford an apartment or older home on my own. I'm only 24 years old. My family is 5-6 hours away from me. I need an escape plan. I just don't know where to start. 
Thank you all for reading and replying. I don't feel so crazy anymore... Just crazy for staying


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Divorce > heal and work on yourself.

REMEMBER, you are a big part of this failure, after all you enabled him to thrive and get his way. Clearly there is something that YOU need to fix with yourself before you even remotely consider dating again. 

Learn to accept and recognize the person in front of you for who they are. Do NOT let love blind you and YES you will have to walk away from loved ones at times.

Good luck



thesky1291 said:


> Part of the reason I stayed after the EA is because we had JUST bought a house together. Like we closed on the house the day before I found out about it. It was a crappy situation. I was supposed to be excited about this new house and couldn't be because of that... I feel stuck. What happens to the house?? And our two year old?? I can't afford the house on my own. But I could afford an apartment or older home on my own. I'm only 24 years old. My family is 5-6 hours away from me. I need an escape plan. I just don't know where to start.
> Thank you all for reading and replying. I don't feel so crazy anymore... Just crazy for staying


Talk to your family, see if they can offer temporary help (but of course don't become reliant on them).

And in general, don't worry too much. Us humans have a natural ability to adjust to whatever comes our way and we do just fine. Sure it won't be easy and things might suck, but so what?

Just being away from this prick will do wonders to your life...it's worth leaving NOW IMO (even without a plan).


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Since you can afford to leave, with your son, that is the best for everyone. He sounds more like a lazy troubled teen, than a husband & father. I don't see him changing his life, but you can change yours and your son's. A lot of spouses think they are tearing their families apart by leaving, but more often than not, they are saving them.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Trust me... I know some of the problem is with me. I have co dependany tendencies and I really need to find a way to change that. I think the first step is getting away and not dating for a LONG time!


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

An update- 
Last night I pulled him aside and told him I wanted to talk for a minute. His first words "well hurry up I'm trying to chill." Told him I was done with the relationship and he just said "well I'm not going to beg you to stay with me, that's dumb. You either want to be with me or you don't." 
That small conversation just reminded me of why I am doing all of this. He has no care in the world. Doesn't even sound like he wants to try. 
Now I just pray I have the strength to get through this. Where we are, to divorce (if you don't have proof of cheating or abuse) you have to live apart for a year. Last night he was saying he's not moving out of the house. Looks like lll be getting a lawyer asap


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Well, if he is not moving out then he has to buy you out and refinance the house with your name off the deed. Simple as that. 

Tell him that if he wants to be stupid and act like a c--t then go for it because every dollar you spend on a lawyer is just going to be money that he is wasting because you have rights and you will make sure you and your child will get what you deserve.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I don't think there will be much of a custody battle. He's on his 3rd dui... Facing jail time and smokes pot everyday. Couldn't pass a drug test. I need to remind him of that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You're only 24. You have your entire life in front of you. Why sit another minute wasting time with an addict?

Here's how this is likely to play out: You'll leave. He'll go dark for awhile. He'll contact you and play on your sympathies if there is something he thinks he needs from you. It may be money, it may be nothing more than an emotional connection or reaction of some sort.

At this point, you are a nuisance and interfere with his main objective, which is to get stoned.

If he doesn't start contacting you, it will mean he's taken up with another woman and moved her in with him. Most likely it will be another doper.

Things will eventually unravel for him. He'll lose his job, he'll have financial problems, he'll have problems with the law, he'll lose the house. But he'll find a way to buy weed. That's his addictive substance of choice. And as long as he doesn't want to stop, he'll find ways to get it. Addicts are very creative when it comes to finding ways to continue their addiction.

If you stay, he will take you down with him. Get out or get dragged, as we say in Al-Anon.

Yes, you are codependent. And it won't go away if you move on with your life. Just as addiction doesn't go away if the addict "pulls a geographic." We take ourselves wherever we go. Get into counseling. Read Melody Beattie's classic, Codependent No More. Start getting help for you.

You owe yourself and your child a decent life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> I don't think there will be much of a custody battle. He's on his 3rd dui... Facing jail time and smokes pot everyday. Couldn't pass a drug test. *I need to remind him of that*.


Uh, no. You don't need to remind him of jack. That's on his side of the street and for him to own.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your child; not him. Remind yourself you have chosen to be with an addict. Figure out why. Own what is yours to own.

Even if it's his 10th dui, and he's been in and out of jail, so what? Don't get involved in the mess he has made.

Just remove yourself from the mess.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> Trust me... I know some of the problem is with me. I have co dependany tendencies and I really need to find a way to change that. I think the first step is getting away and not dating for a LONG time!


Get some beach time and rediscover yourself.

Some small inspiration for you and anyone else who lost themselves along the way.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=HRrFvapV4ms
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Thank you all for the support. None of my girlfriends are married yet, so I haven't been able to get much help there. 
Should I just remove me and my son from the house? 
I know he can't afford the mortgage on his own... So I know doing that will make us lose the home. I love the house and all, but I wouldn't be too upset about losing it. I just don't want to ruin my credit (I guess that's inevitable with a divorce??)I also don't want to look bad in a judges eyes for removing our child from the home. I'm so lost!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

thesky1291 said:


> Thank you all for the support. None of my girlfriends are married yet, so I haven't been able to get much help there.
> Should I just remove me and my son from the house?
> I know he can't afford the mortgage on his own... So I know doing that will make us lose the home. I love the house and all, but I wouldn't be too upset about losing it. I just don't want to ruin my credit (I guess that's inevitable with a divorce??)I also don't want to look bad in a judges eyes for removing our child from the home. I'm so lost!


No, you don't have to ruin your credit.

But, you really do need to consult an attorney here. It's ridiculously expensive, but there are lot of things here that you're going to need guidance on (house, custody, child support, etc.). 

I agree with those who have said you're too young to be facing this for the rest of your life.


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