# Still Stunned !!!



## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

HI there,

thought i would post up here to get some words from those who can share..

I am now in week 8 of seperation, 2 weeks away from our 2 year wedding anniversary. last week she wanted to meet and I did, she told me she wants a divorce and financial settlement so she can get on with her life.

We have been together 8 years - i met her when she was 18, she is now 26.. i am 38.. its been an amazing 7 years in my eyes, so many good times, we have travelled overseas to amazing places, going at least twice a year.. I bought a place before we got married, and it has been a home. we have no children.. 

Faults - in her words, i didn't socialise with her friends enough, i didn't spend enough time with her family and on a deeper level, she felt lonely as i wasn't around enough.. 

In the last 8 weeks i have had some amazing opportunities to delve deep in myself to discover and become aware of my emotional insecurities that led to this.. 

whats worse is even though i recognise my faults, and want to change them for myself, it will still result in the loss of someone with whom i shared so much..

the door has been open for the last 8 weeks, i never begged or cried , i supported her decision to want to move out , sure i got angry, but i have never physically abused her or berated her verbally.. we had some arguments over the years but nothing serious.. 

For sure , i fell into the trap of working hard to supoort the morgage and enable us to travel, but we did spend quality time and I have only positives to look at..

I t hurts to be the one whos left, the one who is willing to make changes, reprioritise my time, fight for the relationship . but the option of a marital councellor was refused by her.. 

she called the other day to say she no longer lays blame at me , but now understandes why she made the decisions she has and doesnt feel angry, but feels positive about me and our relationship, and wanted to tell me this for closure so we can move on without anger or resentment or unresolved issues ..

Im okay , day by day its been getting better, I just can't beleive that in 8 weeks, divorce is already on the cards.. 

any words would be appreciated...


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Did you look for evidence of another man in her life?


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

i askd her , at the beggining , and i do believe her when she says no . as it goes on , i find its more a factor that she hasn't experienced life for her self . she says there was as "us" and a "me" , but no "her" . 

she has now moved into her own rental aprtment last sat - so her process of being alone will now begin - up until finding a place she has been staying with friends and has been keeping her social calander extremely full .. 

Now that i have been going out and being social , i will get the emotionally charged text messages basically saying i am hurting her from my actions.. nothing makes sense..


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Toltequity said:


> i askd her , at the beggining , and i do believe her when she says no . as it goes on , i find its more a factor that she hasn't experienced life for her self . she says there was as "us" and a "me" , but no "her" .
> 
> she has now moved into her own rental aprtment last sat - so her process of being alone will now begin - up until finding a place she has been staying with friends and has been keeping her social calander extremely full ..
> 
> Now that i have been going out and being social , i will get the emotionally charged text messages basically saying i am hurting her from my actions.. nothing makes sense..


Do you have access to her cell records, texts, emails, and IM chats?

2nd question - are you still paying her bills?

3rd question - what was her childhood like?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Dear Toltequity,

A person who is cheating rarely admits it. Her actions at least indicates she wants to meet another man if she has not already. I suspect there was one there before the separation.


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## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

I'm sure this has hurt very much. You sound like a thoughtful, caring man. Stay connected on TAM. We have much to share with you and learn from you. Hugs!
Her refusal to see a marriage therapist is telling that she's unwilling to admit things and is trying to avoid facing reality. Be careful shes not playing you like a puppet. You give and support and she takes it dor granted. "Let her go" and move on with your life. If she comes back begging for you be sure to keep your distance. At the most, ask her why you should even think about having to take her back? Then keep your distance! She made her own bed, now let her sleep in it, and sure as heck don't be supporting her unless a judge makes you by law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I would be very wary. My WH also said he wasn't cheating, but I found out months later he was. And you will see the same thing all over TAM. The fact she won't open up to her is not a good sign. She may be hiding something, you need to do some investigation.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

The help here can feel pretty brutal, withe people immediately jumping in with questions about possible affairs, but it is both well meant and accurate. Even "nice" people have affairs. I might even go so far as to say that "nice" people are more likely to have affairs because they let pressures build up in a relationship because they are trying to be nice and considerate and bottle things up.

Anyway, the point about finding out about and exposing affairs is that your marriage doesn't stand a chance whilst another relationship is taking up all of her emotional energy and seeming to offer her a far better future than you are offering her. That other future is almost certainly illusory, but it will draw her towards it (and away from you in any case.

The other thing is that if she knows that "the door is always open" then she knows that she has a nice safe back-up plan if the affair doesn't work out. So what incentive does she have to end the affair? She's got the best of both worlds - security from you and excitement from him. So you need to close that door, or at least make her believe that it is closing. You can always reopen it later on if you choose - but you must be in control of it.

EDIT:Also, take anything she says with a huge pinch of salt. People give "reasons" that are complete BS - sometimes to justify their affairs to themselves (and kid themselves that you forced her into it by being such a bad husband) and sometimes just to try to make sense of their emotions. So don;t listen to the reasons she gives. But do listen to the subtext about what she really wants from you (usually people who end up in this positon can't ask for what they want directly so will hint or make a big deal of something else, like housework, which is not the real issue) and watch what she does at least as much as what she says.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Dear Toltequity,
> 
> A person who is cheating rarely admits it. Her actions at least indicates she wants to meet another man if she has not already. I suspect there was one there before the separation.


Yes, unfortunately your story has the smell of another man all over it.

My stbxw started with saying "let's take some space and work on ourselves".

Two weeks later she was saying "she does not think she has the same feelings for me that she used to".

In the meantime, she was guarding her cell like a hawk.

I asked if she was having an affair she said no, without flinching. Then I found the emails, phone messages and text upon digging.
She denied they were anything other than "friends". Then I found a secret email account with the hotel receipts, plane fares, and explicit photos of each other they were exchanging.

My story is far from unique here on TAM. They follow a script. So much so that it is eery.

Believe nothing of what she says without verifying yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Linguist (Nov 24, 2012)

Be glad you didn't have children.

Move on ASAP with some self reflection.

Stop asking questions you know you can't answer

Move on ASAP

Be glad you don't have kids, it's 100x harder and more complicated

Get the best deal for YOURSELF, don't protect her as you might be used to doing

Move on ASAP, she doesn't want you

Believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see in person


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

I really don't wont to waste my energy on finding out wether or not there is another person in her life . we were still intimate in week 2 of the seperation - but it was more like break up sex.. 

After being told she wants a divorce etc.. I changed the locks and stopped calling her .. to which i have been receiving texts on how I am hurting her for doing so - even last sat night a friend posted a picture on facebook with me and another women , and about 20 seconds later i received a text saying it was disrespectful..

How much emotional abuse do you have to go through before the person who leaves, finally accepts responsibility for their decisions..


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Toltequity said:


> How much emotional abuse do you have to go through before the person who leaves, finally accepts responsibility for their decisions..


It's only abuse if you let it get to you - if you still care about what she thinks and feels.

If you regard it simply as the deluded actions of a blameshifter who is desperately trying to justify her actions to herself as her world crumbles around her then you will react with resigned pity rather than with anger, upset or guilt. She made her bed and now she must lie in it. At the moment she is trying to convince herself that you made that bed for her. 

Mine is doing the same thing, FWIW. I used to get very upset at being blamed, but I am rapidly reaching the point where I just don;t care what she thinks or who she points the finger at. The truth will out eventually.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

I have a good awareness that only I am responsible for how i feel and react to the words or actions of others..

its a learning curve - just some days are blue and others are okay..

when your willing ot make the changes for your self and recognise the faults, which are totally fixable, but the other person is like - no - i cant forget the past - it just straight out sux..


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

I feel your pain, I too worked too hard and probably
neglected wife's needs. At first the complaint was "you
are gone all the time", so I cut back travel, then it was
"you are home too much"

Hang in there a few weeks ago I was anguished. I finally
realized she didn't love me and didn't like me. 

I filed for divorce last week and a great peace came over me


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

i can tell you rfght now , im not going to be the one who files for divorce - she can do it.. 

its funny though - she sent a message saying she feels positive about me and our relationship, but doesn't want it anymore - its so easy to get hung up thinking about it .. 

getting out and testing the waters so to speak after being with the same woman for 7 years is good.. 

god knows what is going to happen on our 2 year anniversery mark on march 19.. im sticking to the no contact rule for myself, but i wanted to buy a nice gift that represents change, moving forward and the love we shared.. 

The message for me that gets stronger as the days go by, is this - i can't believe the woman i have been with for so long is not willing to give the marraige a go , by seeing if we can reconcile in a new and improved emotional environment.. 

after all, its only reprioritising my work time - which i did since day one - spending more time with her family and friends - easy fixed .. 

they are the big issues for her - but no - its divorce for her .. as it stands now --


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

T,

I'm not sure why you want to wait for her to file.

I would have the papers drwn up and delivered to here ASAP and give her what she's asking for.

as others have asked, are you still supporting her financially in any ways? If so, STOP. Let her discover that she doesn't get to go out and party on your dime. Let her work to suppost herself

Look, this woman has shown a complete lack of respect and love for you. Only 2 years into the marriage and you've been demoted to a second class citizen. I also think she's moved on already with someoen else so it's Ok for you too. Get the divorce done so you'll be ready for the woman who comes along next, the woman who will truly love you and want to send time with you, not her partying friends


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Toltequity said:


> I really don't wont to waste my energy on finding out wether or not there is another person in her life .


All it would do is open up more pain that it would be worth. Unless you are worried about alimony, which for less than 10 yrs I would not, adultry is worthless in court thanks to no-fault divorce.



Toltequity said:


> After being told she wants a divorce etc.. I changed the locks and stopped calling her .. to which i have been receiving texts on how I am hurting her for doing so - even last sat night a friend posted a picture on facebook with me and another women , and about 20 seconds later i received a text saying it was disrespectful


Being disrespectful of what? I don't get it. She made the decision to leave and she left. Bye, bye.

I am not sure why you have not blocked her number(s). Unless there is some business you need to address with her, just stick to your no-contact rule. 

As others have mentioned, she is blameshifting to reduce her own guilt. Not your problem.



Toltequity said:


> i can tell you rfght now , im not going to be the one who files for divorce - she can do it..


Put your pride on hold and get it done.



Toltequity said:


> god knows what is going to happen on our 2 year anniversery mark on march 19.. im sticking to the no contact rule for myself, but i wanted to buy a nice gift that represents change, moving forward and the love we shared..


You could give her the gift of paying to file for divorce if you want to represent change...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Toltequity said:


> I have a good awareness that only I am responsible for how i feel and react to the words or actions of others..
> 
> its a learning curve - just some days are blue and others are okay..
> 
> when your willing ot make the changes for your self and recognise the faults, which are totally fixable, but the other person is like - no - i cant forget the past - it just straight out sux..


And if you're not willing to work on yourself, you can expect similar treatment in future relationships.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

In Australia - which is where i live, you have to be seperated for more than 12 months to get a divorce..

If its within 2 years of marriage , you must by law see a councillor to see if the problems can't be worked out..

thus my attitude of "she can pay and do the divorce papers" 

I am not supporting her at all , and I will stand up for my rights when it comes to the financial settlement..

With the OM situation - I told her on several occassions at the beggining of this , that it would be easier to tell me if there was someone else , as that would give me a better understanding of her problems .. 

I know that the reality of the situation hasn't kicked in properly for her yet - it really only hit me 3 weeks ago - its now week 9 of being seperated..

I plan to contact her end of April - that gives me 8 weeks of no contact with her on my part.. Not responding to text messages, emails or phone calls.. 

She still has some things of mine that she took by "accident" when she packed her stuff up and left.. 

thans for the posts so far - but im still stunned at the swiftness of the end of our relationship.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

So i met with her yesterday , for lunch.. just to catch up .. i had her laughing and feeling good about herself - she wanted to know bits and pieces - but especially "Am I happy " i really didn't know what to say ? am i happy - of course i'm not - what do you say to a question like that ?

i just said that i'm happy at the moment.. its such a loaded question ... 

i'll be honest here - i found out last night that i still had her facebook login details on my computer - so i checked - 

what upset me the most is that after having a postive interaction at lunch - she responded to a question from a friend - "was he controlling or possessive " she replied : yeah - thats just the start of it " - i must say this bites because her reasons fro leaving were that i wasn't around enough , she felt lonely... 

to understand the mindset of someone who says to me that they feel positive about the relationship , but yet justify their actions to someone else by saying the opposite of what i was is really confusing - 

any thoughts ??


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Toltequity said:


> I really don't wont to waste my energy on finding out wether or not there is another person in her life . we were still intimate in week 2 of the seperation - but it was more like break up sex..
> 
> After being told she wants a divorce etc.. I changed the locks and stopped calling her .. to which i have been receiving texts on how I am hurting her for doing so - even last sat night a friend posted a picture on facebook with me and another women , and about 20 seconds later i received a text saying it was disrespectful..
> 
> How much emotional abuse do you have to go through before the person who leaves, finally accepts responsibility for their decisions..


Well seeing that she wanted the divorce and didn't want to try to fix the marriage,stop caring what anyone else thinks.
Be selfish to yourself for once.To hell what anyone else thinks or says.

She will regret I'm sure one day,that she threw you away.
Smile and be happy your not stratled by having kids with this woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Toltequity said:


> So i met with her yesterday , for lunch.. just to catch up .. i had her laughing and feeling good about herself - she wanted to know bits and pieces - but especially "Am I happy " i really didn't know what to say ? am i happy - of course i'm not - what do you say to a question like that ?
> 
> i just said that i'm happy at the moment.. its such a loaded question ...
> 
> ...


She's very immature to do this. She's making up things to please whoever she's talking to. I'll bet that what you saw is just the top of the iceburg. 

I suggest that from here on out you treat her according to the 180 (see link below). The 180 below talks about doing it until you spouse gives up their affair partner. In your case do it until she decided to come back and fix your marriage. If she never makes this decision then just move on and end contact with her.

What you saw today is what she's really like when she thinks no one is looking.. she's playing games. You really do not need this drama in your life.

Your relationship with her started when she was barely more than a child. Find a full grown woman in the future who is willing to set up a life with you and really love you.

Keep in mind that women who become invovled in a relationship before they are 25 leave that relationship more often or not. (For men this age is 30.)


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

I met with her this evening, and had a good relaxed talk with her..

Its over !!! 100%

it was good to hear her say that she really wants different things out of life .. she wants to travel etc..

I got to say my piece - that it hurts how when you realize that you recognise and are aware of the changes you need to make, that the other person doesn't want to know about it. how beautiful and how powerful the relationship could be , now knowing how to listen properly , how to recognise her needs and your own, can make it the most amazing thing..

i'm okay..

The best gift i can do is not fight the change she wants..

I love her dearly, and I will move on.. its not the end of the world..

SHe has a agreed to 2 solo sessions with the counciller / kineseoligist i have been seeing and then 1 couples session before divorce is actioned .. its not for hope of reconcilliation, just that i believe that it will help her and both of us in the final process.

I want to be the type of guy, that although the initial problems were totally fixable, that the ultimate reason, being young and wishing to get out there, was one that i supported for her out of unconditional love and not love for selfish and needy reasons..

this whole process has shaken me to the core - i have suffered deep sadness, crying alone on the ground on a saturday night in "our" home - spent nights of worry, lost weight, soul searched, seen a navajo shaman, seen councillors..

and discovered that I am a good person, who gave so much, yet it wasn't enough for a lovely young amazing spirit..

I have been blessed for this experience - my first "true" love 

moving on will be hard but it will happen - i thank you for your comments - my prayers go to all of you struggling with the heartbreak of love - some things just are not meant to be..

nick x o


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Nick,

Although she may NOT be cheating, cheaters often accuse their partners of being controlling. It's just another tool in the kit of the cheater to justify their behavior

Regardless, your best response is to go 100% dark on her. Do not respond to texts unless it's for issues regarding the divorce. STOP having meals with her! STOP building her up and making her feel good about herself! Save that effort for YOU! You need to step back and give your heart and soul time to heal.

Best of luck


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Toltequity said:


> HI there,
> 
> thought i would post up here to get some words from those who can share..
> 
> ...


I'm sure she will realize that she is loosing a Good man and hopefully work on this marriage.
God Bless you my friend

Zappy


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

spun said:


> Yes, unfortunately your story has the smell of another man all over it.
> 
> My stbxw started with saying "let's take some space and work on ourselves".
> 
> ...


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

My friend,go do something that will make you happy and when your up to it,there other ladies who will appreciate you
like she didn't.Your not seeing her for who she really is.

You say she was your real love,but don,t cry and waste energy over her.If she really loved you at all she would have never bailed.
She had it to good with you.Shes saying you did everything wrong,
so easy to not look in the mirror and blame shift.

I hope for her sake, this little girl grows up one day.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

Just thought i would check in and share some thoughts.

Its a day by day struggle.. i love the crazy spirit that is soon to be my ex wife..

i had to cancel the 2 year anniversry trip i had booked, i still have the present though. not sure what to do with it, i want to give it to her, i wrote a letter, really saying sorry for all the hurt i caused her, and also what i meant with every breath and word when i said " i do"

she seems happy and relieved, while although i have accepted the fate, i feel a mixed range of emotions - it varies..

the hardest thing is thinking that the intensity of love and passion , the pure and raw connection is one that i may not experience again - sure i will fall in love again - but will i compare it, hold regret ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Will you compare it, hold regret? 

You might at first. Over time you will forget so much about her and how you feel right now. I know that's hard to believe right now.. but she is making herself irrelevant to you and so she will become just that.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

Well what a day it was today,

found out that there was another persn after all. how true that the comments on this page were right..

absolutely devasted . its like the grass is greener sydnrome too a tee.

my confusion at the reasons , so well hidden. it started in december. 

she is still blaming me.. what hurts the most is that its my wife , the person that i love , the person i am aware that is not seeing that the reasons of work , the future, the lack of marital skills in communication , her personal lack of growth for seeing whats good.. its so fustrating.. ive been played like a fool, so angry and disappointed tonight, the cat is out of the bag.. so fustrating.. 

I have owned up to everything, i have taken this thing so seriously, learnt so much .. the hardest thing is , as a man, i have nver been so aware of my emotional side, and this awareness causes so much grief.. the relationship needed a little work to make it so empowering, so beautiful, so full of something that makes dreams come true.. i'm so devasted. 

the emotional immaturity of a girl , who just wanted to fill the void.. 

thats my rant


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## BetrayedNoMore (Mar 13, 2013)

She full into the affair fog, it's time to pull up the anchor and sail away. I don't know how adultery impacts AUS martial law, but it maybe something to look at. Maybe you can file early.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I don;t have anything to say but I feel for you. I am in the same boat.

My STBXW isn't even honest enough to admit that OM has been hovering in the background for a while (and her fog fantasies clearly involved a new life with him) even if a full on romance may not have started until after (about 5 seconds after) she said she wanted a D.

She claims she didn't even meet him until after she said she wanted a D - but she TOLD me about their first meeting back in October or November.

The lies are so hard to deal with, partly because they are so obvious and unnecessary.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

I'll give you all an update ..

i worked out that i had her email details on my laptop . and OMG.

so from 5 weeks sailing the med together in oct - to she started contact with this guy in late november - then they were going ot bands etc in early mid dec - whilst i was working on an event i had but still having sx - being in what i thought was a normal relationship - my time was extremely tight - but i was taking her out - movies - doing stuff still.. 

then she books a scuba course for the both of them on my credit card in early jan - plus other things - like bands etc.. through my paypal account.

nude pics sent by her in late jan . she hasnt even told me she wants a divorce yet, but has indicated that she isnt in love with me any more etc.. 

bought stuff through my paypal account for her new place , plus another scuba dive for the both of them just 2 weeks ago now..

they are going on a 2 week holiday together at the end of this month - holy sh!!t

all the while keeping me in a very managable place to prevent the divorce getting messy..

kept it very will hidden and secret.. i have made copies of all the emails , photos , everything, and outed it properly last night..

told her family about the affair - sent her a pic of one of her nude photos via private facebook message outling my settlement terms..

im angry of course , but have accepted faults as well, I had to..

i can only think how much this will srew with her head, and their relationship - how you can go from 7 years , straight into another one without taking time out is beyond my understanding..

having the information doesn't ease my pain, but it sure helps with moving on...


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

You're shocked? At least you got 8 weeks. My wife told me she "loved me but she wasn't in love with me" last Saturday with no prior warning (we have been together for 9 years, married for 8 on the 25th.) I thought we were going to try and reconcile but on Wednesday she told me she "thinks" she wants me to leave, so I grabbed some of my belongings and headed for a hotel where I stayed for two days. I was devastated by this and needed to be with my family during this time, so I told her I'd need to pick up some things from the house for my trip. She said that was fine. Well, when I get to the house on Friday (yesterday) she has divorce papers printed out, ready for me to sign (she had already signed her parts). So in a week I go from total bliss to complete ruin. She never even gave me a chance to try and make things right. I would have never done this to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make sure you get every dime back that she spent on him and their dates and trips. Every dime, add it all up an extract it as part of the divorce.

Don't forget to expose the OM as well, Expose her as a marred adulteress to his family especially him mom. Your Stbx will be welcomed for sure.

How did they meet? Go after that crowd too.

Dead on accurate we were, unfortunately. No please listen to us when we say its time to go nuclear on both of them


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

It must have been devastating for you to find all those emails, but like you said will help you to move on.

You sound like a great guy who deserves so much better than her.

It's amazing how much people on TAM know due to their own sad experiences with cruel people. I'm knew to this forum too and I already feel so good coming here.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

what i wont do is go nuclear - im not like that - i have told her mother - her best friend - her sister - and i emailed the om himself - the affair wont last long now it is outed - im pretty sure of that.. 

did i tell you his bday is our wedding date - crazy.. 

the emails were shocking - looking at your wife liike you dont know who she is sending nude pics - vagina shots, etc.. my god. i was shaking - ive done a lot of work on myself , and whilst i see a very insecure person - i realise i have to shift my focus from her now onto me... 

getting consumed in the affair, the hurt, the reasons, is very demanding , but you cant help it sometimes..

as for the money , i have listed the bank and creditcard ststements for the last 6 years.. she wont have a leg to stand on if she tries to take the house..

i will say this - i have made some faults - but am well in the process of fixing them for me - the knowledge of distrust and lies and secretive affair is huge. and devastating. but i want for her the happiness she deserves - i asked her to marry me becuase she is a beautiful spirit - she is lost in insecurity - i cant help it - i am not going to hate her - life goes on.....


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

i cant sleep , so i thought i woulp post - its hard to stop the internal chatter - how do you forget the person you asked to marry ? i wonder if her new romance wil last? i wonder if what she says is true
- we had nothing in commen 
- i need someone who inspires me.
- you pushed me away
- all we had was the connection

those thiings niggle away at my mind.. today is our 2 year wedding annversry and its the om bday - how can you jump into another relationship so fast ?? 

this has been an eye opener for me - never thought i would be divorced.. is sux... im trying to focus on me but its hard.. i keep thinking about her - will she be thinking about me - now the affair is outed will it change things - will i ever get an apo;ogy from her - will she compare me to him - will all the small things i used to do pop up - she forgot them so easily , im still stunned !!


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

Those emails sound horrific, I am so sorry to read that and cannot imagine what it would have been like for you finding them.

You are right, you need to focus on yourself, even though sometimes it will seem impossible.

How are you feeling today?


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

today was possibly the worst day in my life... i thought my brain was going to explode.. literally

so man y thoughts

in those emails - our celebrant - a mutual friend of both of ours - is involved - my wife and the om and the celebrant are all going scuba diving together..

its like a conspiracy - am i really an uninspiring person - was our marriage so flat that she really didnt need me - you can beat yourself up so easily over all of this..

seeing my therapist tomorrow - ive lost like 10 weeks this year already on this - stressing out - therapy - i had got to stage there where i had really accepted that my wife just wanted to move on and and i was happy for her to do so - but after finding the emails, the lies, the affair, - its like i have gone back to square one - i cant afford to lose any more emotional time on this - im nervous.. i have projects etc to work on.. its hard.. my mind just ticks over and over..

is sux balls big time...


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Toltequity said:


> ..a mutual friend of both of ours - is involved - my wife and the om and the celebrant are all going scuba diving together..
> 
> its like a conspiracy - am i really an uninspiring person - was our marriage so flat that she really didnt need me - you can beat yourself up so easily over all of this..


Beat yourself up? It's time you got mad.

Your "friend" is a snake. He is participating in her adultery. What he is doing is evil--E V I L--evil.

Your wife is a snake as well. 

You got involved with a bunch of snakes. Snakes don't announce to the world they are snakes, they pretend to be nice, cute furry animals, but deep down they are snakes.

The only thing you need to beat yourself up about is not being a better snake spotter. They lied to you, and you believed their lies.

An uninspiring person? A flat marriage? The only thing wrong with you or your marriage is you married a bad person--a bad person that hung out with other bad people. You unwittingly got involved with a brood of vipers. 

There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with them.


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

Well said Blue!! My friends know I was a great husband & an awesome father that did everything to provide an incredible life for my family. When someone you love does something as terrible as adultery, etc. they are a very bad person. Period. 

Furthermore, if they don't repent and throw themselves at your feet begging for mercy, that should tell you something about who they are or who they've become. Some of us who are wronged by our partners can quickly move on & some of us cannot. It is torture for those if us who still pine over our wayward spouses, begging for them back & blaming ourselves for their transgressions. Man is that sick! I hope I can break free & see my ex for who she truly became. That is the only way I'm going to let her go, move on with my life, and never look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

this post is a rant - so pissed off today - i feel like ive been made out to be the bad guy - cant believe the lies of it all - probably been introducing the om as her supportive "friend" to ease him into her life with her family and friends..

its so hard not to beat your self up over this anyone got any help on this ?

everyone says that you need to focus on your self etc.. its so hard.. do you think that now she knows i know about the emails, photos, the affair, the lies she has told me tha tit will affect her relationship with the om ?

or do you thinkshe will be in happy bliss - after blocking me out completely - she has changed her phone number - blocked me on facebook - was the last 7 years just a sham ?

how can you replicate all the little things we used to do ?

so many questions i feel i will never get the answer for - i never expected in my life that i would go through this kind of experience - i wish i had a fast forward button ....

will she ever come back and say sorry ?? 

the hardest truth is that I can't belive she bailed on "us" so quickly - wants a divorce so quickly - all im thinking when i wake up in the morning is wtf !!! im not in denial , im angry , a little depressed - though i was near acceptance but im not even close - 

any one got some kind or harsh words ???


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I also think its quite possible that what's going on partially is because you met when she was in her teens. You are 12 years older and that is a lot when the younger person is a teenager. You experienced life before her but how much life can she really have experienced before you? If this is the case the other man isn't the main issue because even if you manage to break it up there will be another and the older she gets the worse it will get. Why do you think so many marriages that start before 25 fail? Probably best to move on and find someone ready to have a real relationship with you. Fyi, my husband is 18 years older than me so I have nothing against age differences, but I was in my 30's when we met. Big difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

Hey Guys, its been a while..

Thought id give you an update and get some feedback.

I havn't spoke to the stbxw for 4 weeks now.. went no contact . she has been and gone on her little honeymoon romance with her new partner . I went to a vipassana 10 day course . that was amazing.. if you havn't done it. I recommend it .. incredible experience.. 

I received a call from her last night , out of the blue . basically saying she wants to get together for a "couples" session with a therapist to talk about "unresolved" issues . I don't know . I don't really want to - I told her that what "unresolved" issues could she have considering she is now in a relationship with a her new guy . that she " loves" him - ( she told me this on the phone ) . SHe was crying on the phone and going on .. trying to say she was sorry etc.. no mention of getting back together though....

I have been going really well . been manifesting my new life , moving into acceptance phase . I spent last night with weird dreams again and woke up early .. I havn't done that in a month. 

can anyone give some advice ???


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Sounds like 180 is working for you mate.

Reading this thread, personally it sounds like this is her passing on her guilt from the affair, so that her unresolved issues can be passed on to you. 

I'd not do it- and keep on the path you're following.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Toltequity said:


> I went to a vipassana 10 day course . that was amazing.. if you havn't done it. I recommend it .. incredible experience..


This is good for you; knowing yourself. Meditation will help you with detachment - it's the old school 180.



> I received a call from her last night , out of the blue . basically saying she wants to get together for a "couples" session with a therapist to talk about "unresolved" issues . I don't know . *I don't really want to* - I told her that what "unresolved" issues could she have considering she is now in a relationship with a her new guy .


Don't go. You will get nothing from it. I predict she will use it to try and justify the unjustifiable- her affair. She will only put negatives in your head (as she already done). In this period of your introspection it'll harm you. 

Keep doing the 180. Keep detaching and best of luck.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Doing something you don't want to do, because someone else wants it is a #2. 

Unless you have things to resolve too, leave her to resolve them for herself.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

its been a while since I visited here.. its amazing what time can do to a broken heart.. 

I have been dating, had a "rebound" relationship for about 4 weeks which was an important part of my process of moving on..

I stopped all contact with the stbxw. It was not healthy for me to remain in contact with her.. she is still with the guy she left me for and they have moved in together..

for me , my process has been tough. i'm still not all the way there yet. divorce will be final next year, and there is still the settlement to get through.. 

I have random bits of contact initiated by her every now and then but I don't respond. one night I got a phone call late and I answered it by mistake, and she was telling me she misses me etc.. but that she had no regrets.. that was tough.. 

every day I think about her, but the only thing I have right now is to remind myself that its for the best.. I think its unhealthy to think about the bad things..

I don't feel lonely anymore, I do miss the connection of having a partner around every day, but that becomes less as each day passes.. I feel for every other person who's partner leaves them, without communicating properly first.. 

I also have no clue as to how my stbxw could go straight into another relationship without time off.. it puzzles me..

I have met some amazing women now as a single 39 year old.. each person I see gets better and better as my head space gets better and my energy gets stronger... whilst I havn't met that next person whom I can look at and go "wow". its getting closer...

my advice to anyone who has gone through the same thing I went through is
- go no contact for 60 days and stick to it.. it clears your head.
- meditate or find some form of stillness in your life for at least 15 mins a day
- thoughts become things - what you feel now, is what your going to attract.. practice love and compassion, and sometimes its just so difficult to do so..
- you cant be friends with your ex.. maybe in several years but no way can you do it in the first year, especially when settlement is an issue..
- find ways to love yourself. exercise and give your self time to grief..
- have a rebound - its part of the process.. sleeping with someone else loosens the connection to your ex..
- Time does heal wounds - its such a cliché but 10 months on now, I can say that it really does..


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> - go no contact for 60 days and stick to it.. it clears your head.
> - meditate or find some form of stillness in your life for at least 15 mins a day
> - thoughts become things - what you feel now, is what your going to attract.. practice love and compassion, and sometimes its just so difficult to do so..
> - you cant be friends with your ex.. maybe in several years but no way can you do it in the first year, especially when settlement is an issue..
> ...


Today, I was just thinking that I need a rebound and then I get sooooo nervous and scared. It almost feel as if I am cheating on him 

Perhaps it is too soon to think about rebound.


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## Toltequity (Mar 2, 2013)

well i thought i would finalise my thread i started.. 
- I could never imagine such a rollercoaster of emotions I have been through in the process of divorce - i never wanted it - i wanted to fix the problems - BUT - I was never given the chance - and that sux..
- the only truth is this - as funny as it sounds - time is your only friend - because as time goes on it DOES get better..
- Divorce has been filed 2 weeks ago - and that was an extremely sad moment for me personally.
- I am only left with memories and moments that were 8 years with someone that i guess i never really knew.. As a man i feel disgusted inside to be blindsided by someone I loved so much yet failed to sit me down and tell me what she was thinking or that certain things needed to be fixed.. Sure there are all those who say you must have known etc etc.. but seriously.. unless you tell your partner how are you supposed to know..
- for all those going through the pains of seperation and divorce i have only the heartfelt sadness for the pain you are going through but several things do help
- love yourself and believe that if someone leaves you , you must let them go.
- meditate or find stillness at least once a day
- and believe that your journey has its reasons..

it gets better...


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