# 40 years married and then bam!!



## Loren86 (Apr 9, 2020)

I learned after 40 years of marriage that during the entire marriage and even during our engagement my husband was unfaithful. He had an ongoing secret sexual life that I was unaware of.

It involved a 2 year long physical affair with an exgirlfriend earlier in our marriage.
Pornography addiction, first magazines (70s, 80s) then videos(90s). hotel room porn throughout off and on, and then internet porn more recently
A few Happy ending massages
Flirtatious relationships.
Many financial secrets and other lies.
So, first d-day December 2017, porn discovery, second may 2018, affair discovery. Trickle disclosures of other stuff through the first year.

I was shocked out of my wits and a basket case the first year. He went to a therapist, I went to my own therapist. We went for 6 months each. Very expensive.
Things a bit better now. He has remorse, empathy and does not act out any more. He goes to SA meetings.
I still have immense anger. I feel like my entire marriage was a lie. I trust that he won't act out with porn again, but how do I ever feel love for him. I have lost respect.
I am in my 60s and retired. He is in his 70s. We both live on s.s. 
If we divorce we will both live in poverty. I have a health issue and cannot work.
I feel like I have to make the best of it.
He is kinder now and seems to be a different person. He does not want a divorce. 
He has no idea why he betrayed me. He says addiction, I say bad character. He said he loved me, but I say he never knew what real love was. He had no empathy. I can see that now looking back.
I trusted him and never thought he would ever cheat on me. We had a very active sex life. He was a strong Christian, or so I thought. He was so addicted to lust. 
I feel very sad at times, my joy is gone. I can function in every day life and have gained back the weight i lost from stress of this. I was thin to begin with.
I still compare myself to the porn stars and his ex and whatever hot young girl we see when we are out. I have triggers still at times and obsessive thoughts about all his past betrayals.
Can't afford any more therapy. We try to read books, talk and spend lots of time together...especially now with this stay at home stuff going on.
Has anyone had a similar assault as this after a long marriage? Is there hope I will ever respect or love my husband again? 
Loren


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Your discovery is recent, 2017. And you are now at a crossroad what is your husband capable of doing for you now if any to earn your trust and respect for him? Have you told him this?

Tell us what you wish him to do. And maybe we can guide you on a path towards recovery. Forgiveness is necessary for your happiness, but not to be used for rugsweeping. If this is the goal for your husband it will not work.

He broke vows over the years, but porn can be seen as less trivial, but infidelity can not be overlooked. I'm think he's tell you because it was 40 yrs ago it should be forgotten. No! Never! He must do all the heavy lifting to keep yours/his marriage together.

He must stop all the things you have discussed and put boundaries on over the years. If he is unwilling to do so, he.has not changed. And expects you to let it go. There is nothing further from the truth.

You must set down goals he must abide and forgo to keep the woman of his lifetime through thick and thin. Age has nothing to do with him not meeting your expectations now or in the future.

The question is will he? Please if you could let TAMER'S here help you with your expectations and goals that must be implemented from this day forward. Please reply.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Loren86 said:


> Has anyone had a similar assault as this after a long marriage? Is there hope I will ever respect or love my husband again?


I was married to a serial cheater for a about 12 years. I left his ass.

He continued being a serial cheater long after he remarried. God knows he's hit on me again and again over the years. The ONLY thing that *finally* stopped his catting around was prostate cancer. After the surgery, he was no longer able to get an erection. He's kind of like a neutered alley cat, now.

You married a serial cheater. He will likely ALWAYS be a serial cheater. That's just who he is, and people really don't change at their cores - especially people his age. So unless he's struck by lightening and physically can no longer do anything for himself, he's going to continue being a serial cheater.

*



Can't afford any more therapy. 

Click to expand...

*The chances of therapy actually working to change him into a choir boy are very, very low anyway, so save your money. This is *LIFELONG, pattern behavior,* not something he just picked up a few months ago.

*



He says addiction... 

Click to expand...

*LOL. Most of them DO make that claim when they're caught with their pants down. Theyi're a "sex addict" and not to blame for their behavior because it's an *addiction*, don'tcha _see_?????? He's actually a victim! 🙄 🙄 🙄



> *He is kinder now and seems to be a different person. He does not want a divorce. *


I don't know any serial cheaters who DO want a divorce. He's not unique in ANY way. And of course he's being nice and ACTING like a 'different' person - he doesn't want a divorce so he'll act and say anything he thinks you WANT him to. He's in damage control mode. It's what most cheaters do when they're hoping to get back on your good side.

Look, if he WANTED a divorce this past 40 years, he wouldn't have worked so hard to hide his cheating from you. It ain't rocket science. Of course he lied to you every single day for 40 years, and of course he deceived you into thinking he was loyal every single day for 40 years - what was the *alternative* since he didn't want a divorce? He just wanted to live the single life and get himself as much action on the side as he could - and *still *get to have a loving wife and family at home waiting for him.

He's no different than any other SELFISH serial cheating ass-hole. No different at ALL.

It sounds as though this is likely going to mostly be a marriage of convenience for you going forward (since you can't leve for financial and health reasons). I lost ALL respect for my ex which is one of the major reasons I finally got up the guts to leave but I was a lot younger and could support myself. Your situation is different, unfortunately.


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## Loren86 (Apr 9, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> Your discovery is recent, 2017. And you are now at a crossroad what is your husband capable of doing for you now if any to earn your trust and respect for him? Have you told him this?
> 
> Tell us what you wish him to do. And maybe we can guide you on a path towards recovery. Forgiveness is necessary for your happiness, but not to be used for rugsweeping. If this is the goal for your husband it will not work.
> 
> ...





Tilted 1 said:


> Your discovery is recent, 2017. And you are now at a crossroad what is your husband capable of doing for you now if any to earn your trust and respect for him? Have you told him this?
> 
> Tell us what you wish him to do. And maybe we can guide you on a path towards recovery. Forgiveness is necessary for your happiness, but not to be used for rugsweeping. If this is the goal for your husband it will not work.
> 
> ...



So far he has complied with my boundaries and appears to be willing to do anything to rebuild the marriage. My problem is that I feel anger and disgust toward him much of the time. I have lost any romantic feeling towards him which makes intimacy difficult. I feel trapped because of financial and health reasons. He wants me to "want" him again and I am having difficulty reciprocating affection. I feel like a fraud. He is sincerely doing everything right but I lost any affection or love for him. Not sure if that will ever come back. It is very depressing, and at times I feel hopeless. He then feels hopeless and starts to withdraw. I am not sure what to do except fake happiness. I just cannot quit dwelling on the things he has done in the past. 40 years of deceit is a long time. So much to process. Ugh.. I guess I will just see how it goes and try to find joy in other areas of my life besides my marriage. Hard to do now with all this lockdown crap due to the corona virus..

I appreciate your advice. I will keep you all posted.
Loren


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You need to stop being compliant to his needs if he is unable to rectify his past actions, regardless of time passed it's only been two years. And that's like yesterday.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Loren86 said:


> So far he has complied with my boundaries and appears to be willing to do anything to rebuild the marriage. My problem is that I feel anger and disgust toward him much of the time. I have lost any romantic feeling towards him which makes intimacy difficult. I feel trapped because of financial and health reasons. He wants me to "want" him again and I am having difficulty reciprocating affection. I feel like a fraud. He is sincerely doing everything right but I lost any affection or love for him. Not sure if that will ever come back. It is very depressing, and at times I feel hopeless. He then feels hopeless and starts to withdraw. I am not sure what to do except fake happiness. I just cannot quit dwelling on the things he has done in the past. 40 years of deceit is a long time. So much to process. Ugh.. I guess I will just see how it goes and try to find joy in other areas of my life besides my marriage. Hard to do now with all this lockdown crap due to the corona virus..
> 
> I appreciate your advice. I will keep you all posted.
> Loren


have you told him that his years of actions that betrayed you makes you feel this way?
How honest have you been about how YOU feel about the farce that he made your marriage?


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