# He says life is too short; doesnt want to be married n moved out while I was at work!



## Starblazer (Aug 3, 2012)

My husband whom I have been with for 20 yrs who I love with all my heart & soul and he tells me he loves me that way too. We have had a great marriage, the past 10yrs. he Told me on Mother's Day 2012 that he didn't want to be married anymore. He was away on a job assignment that was a promotion at that time. He was so excited to do this. Closer to the end of the assignment I was excited that our lives were about to get back to our happy and normal life, as I believed. 

He however had other plans I didn't know about. He told me he had no voice in our marriage and he had no identity. He said he didn't want to be married any longer because he does not want anymore responsibility and doesn't want to be accountable for anyone. WE are empty nesters! 

Our daughter just graduated from college! And Has a wonderful job! Lives out of state supporting herself just as we had prepared her! What responsibilities? everything financial is split down the middle in separate acct's as he had made a rule from day one! So I thought he was overworked or stressed about trying to work and travel back n forth to home etc. So I suggested to him for the last 6 weeks of the job don't worry about me or the home do what you need to do. Focus on work and hoping that him having complete freedom and no pressure no responsibility would take the load off. So I left him alone thinking he was just going thru something and God would help him find his way back home mentally and physically. 

Well he comes home and never unpacks a thing, hmm the suitcase is in the car, the trunks r full and their are other items in the garage. No dialogue at all... He leaves the very same w/e to go out of town to see his family doesn't even ask me to go, I always travel home with him they love me I love them, we are very close. I didn't even know when he was coming back, I didn't know if he had changed his mind about the marriage...I was in limbo. Weeks went by.

When we finally talked It was because I had discoverd that he was and had cheated on me, with multiple women and one for a very long time even before he went on his job assignment. (Knocked the wind out of ME) I confronted him. He says it was for sh*ts and giggles just something to pass the time while he was away on the assignment. Said he was sooo sorry, said they didn't talk any longer. But the longer affair he denied even tho I had proof! he claims it was nothing; Now I know he is a liar and a cheater and thats what I told him. I told him all I had to hold onto was the trust that I felt he would never cheat on me.

I was so devastated cuz You see in our marriage I always did things his way. He never liked to be questioned he never wanted to say exactly where he was going or with who, or when he would return, said he was hanging out with the guys. Out watching games having a couple beers etc. At that time I didnt think about it, It didn't bother me I trusted him. But now as I look back he never let me see his phone, he would close it quickly sometimes; but I just trusted him. I assumed he needed privacy and time for himself, it made him feel happy and that made me feel confident and happy.

Anywhoo, once he was back in the home he never unpacked he lived here like he was a overnight guest or like our home was a bed and breakfast. One day when I had some things to discuss about visitors he tells me he doesn't care because he was confused and doesn't even know where he was going to lay his head. That mad me angry We argue, he tells me he put down a security deposit for an apartment.? We talk, hash some things out, I say we can work this out give us a chance, asked if he could get out of the deposit he says he would try. Things are going so good we are getting better taking things one day at time as we both committed too. Then another heated discussion arises and he tells me this time that he has signed a lease...I said please tell me month to month since you said we were taking this one day at a time. He says I'll see what I can do; but it's for 12 months. I hoping he handles that...We have the most loving passionate day and nights with lots of open communication our home was happy again---untill....I come home from work last week after a late nite shift its midnight. I noticed the things that were in the garage that I constantly prayed would come back into the home were GONE!

I come inside the house and He has moved the entire finished basement out of the home and all his personal items during my 12hr workshift. This was his plan from Mothers Day 2012. It was cold thoughtless and calculated! I am devastated and emotionally distraught. He has the audacity to come home that night after work from his late shift the same day he moved. And tells me he is a coward and he is confused and he is in pain and he loves me so much but something is going on in his head that is telling him life is too short and he wants to be alone. 

I ask do you love the OW the one I know you have been with the longest? or do you wanna date other women? (not that I am okay with that!)He says NO. So now Im just trying to figure out why he has to leave our home or me just because he thinks life is too short? He says he has given me 20 good yrs of his life and he doesnt want any relationship now. BUT That he loves me and he is sorry that he is hurting me but he has to do this. 

He has been gone for 1 week and I am an emotional wreck, My mom flew in the day after Mothers day the first time to take me to the doctor to get medicine to calm my anxiety. I cry and get angry n I cry and get angry again a vicious cycle. I cant sleep. Thank God for Rx's because that is the only way I can cope. I just keep wondering what did I do that would make him my Bff the love of my life, who says he loves me; to walk out an abandon me?? 

I need help I need answers I need perspective he says he is hurt and in pain cause he hurt me..but I tell him HE has created all this pain why so speechless now!? Our family's both sides, are mourning they are so sad with this news. He says I will always be his wife and he only loves me and he will always be here for me?

Some days he will txts, sometimes he will go a few days before he even acknowledges me. I've noticed While Im at work he will come to the home and get more things. I just don't get it.....

I was praying so hard; that God willing this would work out...my faith is being tested beyond what I can concieve right now. I hope God is in control and has the plan cuz I am lost....and very lonely.

(so sorry this is so long)


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Starblazer,

Your marriage ended a long time ago. Stop praying for it to work. Start praying for internal peace instead.

You sound very insecure and highly codependent.

You've got a lot of work to do on yourself.

Your husband is a cheating assh0le with no respect for you. Why do you pray to God to reward him? 

These commandments are for left-behind men mostly, but many of them apply to you:

*Synthetic's Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*


4. Separate all finances and stop supporting his 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (males work better). Spend times with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Star,

Your story seems almost identical to mine. I know just how you're feeling. When I first learned that my STBXH had told a few lies, I brushed them away, despite sage advice that if there was one lie there were bound to be more. So I kept bending over backwards, trying to make him happy. I learned way later that the sage advice was right and there was much more to the story than met the eye. 

Keep on posting here, it sure helps me feel better, and I think a lot of other people too. Even just the act of writing it all out is somehow therapeutic.


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## Starblazer (Aug 3, 2012)

WOW Synthetic straight and to the point, I have been reading the TAM threads for awhile. I don't think I've ever seen a response or direct orders as harsh and as blunt as yours to me. 

You made some valid points and I thank you for them. The way you presented the advice made me do a double take and a re-read. Kinda like "oh no She didn't" but you did and I thank you for it. 

Help me w this?... we both were non-facebook said we would never use it couldn't understand it's purpose. But guess who has one now...yeah u guessed right. I couldn't believe it and there is NOTHiNG about us or one picture of me n him or our daughter. Our birthdays are not posted but his friends are on our birthdays. Some pic's he has his ring off. But he still wears it around me. Im angry, You just made me angrier and I want to post something to put him on blast or confront him about it I want these women to know that I exist.

your thoughts....?


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## Starblazer (Aug 3, 2012)

You are so right. It was long but it was therapeutic. But "synthetic" put me in my place, made me feel more stupid for loving someone the only way I knew how. Loving unconditionally and putting the people you love first as a priority...I feel real dumb right now.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Starblazer said:


> You are so right. It was long but it was therapeutic. But "synthetic" put me in my place, made me feel more stupid for loving someone the only way I knew how. Loving unconditionally and putting the people you love first as a priority...I feel real dumb right now.


Don't feel dumb! It's what loving people do. The next step is just to transfer all that effort towards loving yourself instead. 

Have you gone to counseling? I was skeptical about it for months, but when I forced myself to go I found that it sure is helpful. Honestly. It's nice to get insight about yourself that you wouldn't ever see on your own.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Get your legal rights seen to by an lawyer.
Get your eggs in your own basket.

Turn away from the man.

Turn away and walk in another direction and realize he is warped and troubled and slimey and you can do better.

Then, if there is ever any magical change in the man you have been married to for years, he will need to take his humongous hat in hand and track you down and spend the rest of his days convincing you to give him another chance.

Don't count on that though. Turn away from him (with your half of the assets) and just plod on your life path focusing on beautiful things and happy pastimes and your grown kids and 

believe in yourself.

Believe you are worthy of dedication and monogamous, nonwhacked out love.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Starblazer said:


> WOW Synthetic straight and to the point, I have been reading the TAM threads for awhile. I don't think I've ever seen a response or direct orders as harsh and as blunt as yours to me.
> 
> You made some valid points and I thank you for them. The way you presented the advice made me do a double take and a re-read. Kinda like "oh no She didn't" but you did and I thank you for it.
> 
> ...


Starblazer,

The harshness is completely intentional and very much needed. I'm glad you recognized it.

I didn't suggest those things based on a guess game. I have been where you are. Not long ago either.

Your facebook question is a shining indicator of your codependency. Don't confuse love with codependency. You subconsciously HATE your husband. Rightfully so. He's not loveable to the logical part of your brain right now. Listen to your logical brain instead of your emotional inner child (who always wants instant gratification).

Stop caring about his facebook activities. Follow the commandments I listed.

Here's what codependency means:

Codependency Test And Definition

*Follow the commandments*


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I am so sorry you are here and your story sounds almost like mine. It is devastating to find out that the one man you loved with all your heart and bent over backwards for didn't love and respect you the same way. It's easier said than done, but you need to stay strong and do what is right for you and your family. You have to take it day by day and move on. I'm still struggling with my situation, but looking back to the day I found out (5 months ago), I am much stronger and happier than I was then.

Hugs and good luck. We're here for you.


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## Starblazer (Aug 3, 2012)

Its been 12 days now since he moved out. He hasnt called or text. So i txt him and ask about his no contact. Was he staying away because my mom and our dtr told him to leave me alone? They felt like if he had no intention of getting back with me he should not lead me on. They felt that would help me get thru this pain. He said yes he gave them his word of no contact. He said he loves me n doesn't want tohurts me. Says he is in pain too? I asked him what about the promises he made to me? He said those will always be there....so why did leave me then? No reply

So when he moved out he inadvertenly took something that I needed. I texted him and asked if he would bring it back. He said yes and he would do it ASAP. So I assumed he would stop by the next day and drop it off. Well that is exactly what he did. He put it in the garage while I was sleeping. Then sent a text where he left it? Why is he avoiding me? We were not fighting when he moved out suddenly. It was one of our best weeks since confrontation day. He comes to our home when I am not here to gather things to move? I don't understand his behavior. Help.....


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Starblazer, your husband is actually being quite mature about this separation by avoiding you. As I earlier mentioned your marriage ended a long time ago. You need to start having more respect for yourself and act like an adult.



> Why is he avoiding me?


Because if he doesn't, you're only going to get hurt more. He's doing the right thing. You will thank him for this later.

Start working on your codependency. It's badly affecting you and will continue to chew you up if you allow it.

Read those links I sent you. They work. Many of us have been where you are. You will get through this and feel much better about yourself. Just avoid contact with him at all costs. He's being a big help himself. Welcome it.


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

Definately make him believe you want a divorce. Don't respond to his texts, or messages. If he gets you on the phone or in person, don't act depressed. He will come around. However, by the time he does, you will have realized you made the right decision in leaving him.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I apologize in advance if this come off wrong. I'm sitting in the dark outside trying to wrap things up before my laptop battery dies.

To put it another way.... He fired you as his wife. He made lots of excuses as to why he's letting you go which you shouldn't believe. If you're going to 180 you have no business calling him unless it's about your legal termination (court etc).

Now what I said seems harsh, but you keep that in mind and your 180 will be a lot more effective. You don't call ex bosses asking how their day was and you don't tell them about your life. You let him do whatever it is he thinks will make him happy and you get your own life together.

I've seen it from my ex wife and through stories time and time again on here. Your ex is going to accuse of their problems in order to make their justification of their affair easier on them. It's sort of like how we show the love we want and get upset when the other person doesn't do it the same way. He's going to call you controlling (because he is), call you immature (because he is) anything and everything he's convinced himself you are is going to mirror his own personality defects. DO NOT BELIEVE THIS MAN. Whatever he says just nod your head and laugh your ass off at inside.

Jeesh only a few minutes remaining so I'll leave you with this. 
You've had 20 years to try to fix this man and ended up loving his flaws instead. Do you honestly think another woman will be able to change him? Hell no! Crazy doesn't change much and cheaters never will. I feel sorry for whatever woman he may con into a "committed" relationship. Just hope she doesn't believe him when he talks about his controlling wife is his boo-hoo poor me stories. Even if you get him back, and I have seen this personally. You don't put up with his cheating as of right now or in the future.

Take care hon.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

He's avoiding you because he has no balls, however you will find it much easier to forget him...my ex stayed in the house for the first month, when he moved out and I didn't have to see him every damn day I started to get over it pretty quickly. Take your life back sister 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

you should be in the coping with infidelity forum, they can help you with this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SBlazer,

In addition to Synthetic's 10 Commandments, retain an attorney and file for divorce.

Go completely dark and have no contact with him.

Sue him for lifetime alimony.

In addition, expose his affairs to friends, family, co-workers, and the church.


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## Starblazer (Aug 3, 2012)

Im trying to go dark and do the 180 when he texts me I dont reply to his text. Its been tough fighting those feelings to reply. I'm angry when he texts "just thinking of you" or "today is beautiful and It reminds me of you" and " sending hugs your way" or "be careful driving home after work" these texts REALLY make me angry. I feel like he sends these same texts to the other women too. 

I came home from work 1 week ago he had put cash on the table for the weekly lawn service, trash day was yesterday I work 12hr shifts, so I put the trash out b4 i went to work. When I came home he had put the trash can back in the garage. And last nite, while I was at work He had gotten a birthday cake for me . My bd is Tuesday. (it's my favorite cake a strawberry one that he gets me every year) BUT I have not heard his voice in 30 days!!!! We don't talk at all. We have not been face to face in 30days! I am angry! I didn't even open the box... He is coming to the home when I'm at work. Doing things around the home checking on our furry daughter (4lb chihuahua) and still putting money in my acct for the mortgage. I dont understand this behaviour. 

All these thoughtful things he has always done and is trying to do now doesn't make me happy it hurts deep inside. If he were so thoughtful why doesnt see how much pain he has caused? Before he abandoned me he said he wanted to be alone no more responsibility or accountability. He said...life is too short and he wants to be selfish right now?? What??? For someone who doesn't want responsibility he continues to do them. 

S/1 posted that he "fired me as a wife" am I supposed to wear that label? That would indicate I performed in adequately...BIG LIE! I gave my all!

So, should I even reply with a simple text like "TY"= thank you? When he does these things? Do I use my logical mind feeling hate towards him because of what he has done to me our families and our friends. Or use my beloved heart that aches for my best friend and lover for 20 yrs who wants to give him time to get his mind back?. I believe in the sanctity of marriage I do not want to file for divorce, yet... I want to hope for the best because I do love this troubled man. 

BUT....I don't understand why he does the things he does or why he says the things he says? He is different now. He is not the man I know at the present time. Is he having a midlife crisis? It was like he turned 50 and changed into another person, someone I don't even recognize anymore.


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## Starblazer (Aug 3, 2012)

Thank you so much for your kind words.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

I would change the locks. Don't give him free access to come and go as he pleases.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

im going to go out on a limb here.
you both put the kids before eachother.
you had separate everything.
you didnt know about certain things, not because you trusted him but because you werent involved enough with him to know.
you lived for your children.
here is the problem. you didnt have a close relationship.
his needs were met elsewhere, for years. 
while you were being a attentive mother, perhaps somehow you neglected your husband.
he left a long time ago.
he was only staying for the kids.
it was a prison sentence for him.
kids leave nest, you said last one goes to college.
he figures his prison sentence is over, and jumps ship.
he did his job, he stayed for the kids, they are gone. he figures he is gone.
that is why he says he does not want anymore responsibility. he figures his prison sentence is over.
he still does things, or says things. because he still cares about you. you are still the mother of his children. he doesnt hate you.
but the relationship left YEARS ago. He just stayed for the kids. Now he figures he is free.
i willing willing to guess, you spent alot of time with your kids, putting them first, and not much with your hubby for years. Just a guess.
you lost this relationship a long time ago.
he was just staying, for the kids. They are gone, he figures his job is done.
you want to fix this, you need to have the relationship you should have been having back when your youngest kid was a toddler, as i am thinking your life revolved around your children, and little around your husband.
The fact you dont know what is going on, and that you both separated everything, i find very telling.
he never quite was WITH you. You werent quite involved in who he actually was.
he was just keeping it together for the childrens sake. And having his needs met elsewhere.
They leave the house, he jumps ship. Figures he is done with his obligation.
i think this way, because i can picture myself doing the same thing. i have actually made a extra attempt to give my wife more time, and keep the relationship strong despite having children and trying not to let everything revolve around them. Because otherwise i know myself, and when the youngest turns eighteen i will probably jump ship. she wouldnt, but i most certainly would because im that type of person anyway that likes to be independent and alone. So i need us to keep our relationship as a somewhat priority even despite all kinds of things to do and children. So i dont jump ship and bail when my youngest goes to college some day.
that is what i think your hubby is thinking though. That is what is going on. you were just oblivious. Trusting him wasnt the problem, being codependent isnt a problem. Not having a relationship and meeting his needs so he isn't just keeping the prison sentence going for the childrens sake IS MOST DEFINATLEY A PROBLEM.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

one of my coworkers actually just did this as well. Four kids. youngest just started college.
soon as the youngest graduated highschool he was planning on jumping ship.
And sure enough, he did. He was just staying for the kids.
Surprised me. i asked him about it. he said they actually separated years ago, but his wife didnt even notice.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

I do not take what bribirius negative comments mean to say!!!!Its as if the lady is being blamed;
she loves him;and when people have kids it is the next stage of their partnership,it is not like kids are separate and the relationship is separate;

there can be no excuse for a cheating man;
As for start blazer ,she should follow the steps given by Synthetic;
And starblazer you do not have to help your husband now;he can take care of himself;just get hold of you life;become confident and take no emotional ****;this is by no means love;first be strong and come out of the turmoil and you can be very happy;


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I truly believe that you can forgive a spouse for one episode of cheating. Anyone can make a foolish mistake. But serial cheating? No that is a whole different story, and a totally different personality type. You can be proud that you were a good spouse for all those years. But let him go, as painful as it is.


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