# Seriously need advice



## wandering heart (Sep 16, 2013)

Hi,
I'm new to this site but I would really like some advice (even just a sounding board would be nice). I have talked to some of my friends and their advice has not been helpful. I've done a lot of soul searching, still nothing... and my family hates my husband (who my situation is about) so that's no good either.

I have been married 7 1/2 years. I have three kids, who I adore. But my marriage has been rocky...very rocky. I do not want a divorce, or didn't for most of my marriage, but to say that I am frustrated is a total understatement.

My husband, when we first met, totally swept me off my feet. He cooked, he gave foot rubs, he left me love notes. He flat out told me that he was the only man who could marry me. About a month after our wedding things started going down hill. He tried to distance us from my family, they always fight ( my family is weird, I'll give him that). He quit every job he had and we moved a lot. He picks fights a lot and always makes it my fault...ie: "you are a bullying wife--I want a divorce" and he is incredibly quick to get angry and scream.

He has the lowest libido of any man I have ever known... I have done everything I can think of to keep the spark. I've tried every fantasy or role playing scenario he mentioned. I try to cuddle and he accuses me of being a sex monger (he came from a family that was not touchy feeling...I try to respect that, but it feels more like we are roommates than a couple)

In the past couple of years we have tried to have a better marriage and there has been improvement and there have been good moments. But it always ends up bad again. We'll end up in a fight and he'll threaten divorce and tells me he will win custody because I'm "always gone" (I work full time).

I really want things to be good, and work out and to raise a happy family. But Most of the time I think I made the wrong choice in men...but then, he'll say something nice and I think "oh, it will work out!".

Then, last week, out of the blue an ex boyfriend (the one that got away kind of guy) wrote me, just to make amends...to let me know that he was so sorry he had broken up with me etc...but he ended the email nicely by saying " I'm really glad you are happy" and all I wanted to say is "but I'm not!" This is someone who I almost did marry, who was the love of my life. He was romantic and caring and sweet. We had a bad break up after transitioning to a long distance relationship. I knew when he wrote me, I could not entertain ANY thoughts about him... or I would do something stupid. So I did the smart thing and deleted the email and didn't respond. But it made me really think about the relationship I am in and if it is good for me, for my kids...

I don't want to head down the path of divorce...but I am so depserate. Any tips on restoring the romance... or relationship help would be really great. I've read blogs and books and their advice doesn't work... They say things like "Walk around in a towel after your shower and it will get your partner raring to go"... well I tried that and got " God, stop letting your balls hang out"...

Thanks for reading...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You need to communicate to your husband the a divorce is in the future if you two don't get on the same page. A REAL divorce, not just the threatened divorce that you two talk about when fighting. You need to communicate it during a peace time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. He needs to hear the truth.


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

wandering heart said:


> Hi,
> I'm new to this site but I would really like some advice (even just a sounding board would be nice). I have talked to some of my friends and their advice has not been helpful. I've done a lot of soul searching, still nothing... and my family hates my husband (who my situation is about) so that's no good either.
> 
> I have been married 7 1/2 years. I have three kids, who I adore. But my marriage has been rocky...very rocky. I do not want a divorce, or didn't for most of my marriage, but to say that I am frustrated is a total understatement.
> ...


In a way this sounds like my situation the other way around, the W is acting like that, you are in a vulnerable place right now, I know I am, and the contact you had brought back memories which are not longer valid as they are memories, not reality...... I working the issues and don't look for an escape goat.... I know I have though about it, I felt it will make everything easier........

I'm dealing my own issues and a few days participating in this forum I have gather so much valuable information and strength is unreal....... Keep at it..... we all deserve to be happy!!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure what a sex monger is but I think I'd like to meet one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose something to keep it. 

Tell your husband that there are problems in the marriage. You are profoundly unhappy. You are on the verge of filing for divorce unless he is willing to go to MC and work on things.

I also suggest that you get the book "His Needs, Her needs" for both of you to read and do the work it suggests.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

As long as divorce is in your mind nothing will improve. I suppose you both mention it often. You both believe you have an escape route. Unless you somehow close it you will always reach for it. I dont think you mentioned counselling but that is really what you need. As I often say why not get your husband to come on here and let us hear his side of the story. It is unlikely anyone here will know who you are.


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

what your husband said to you when you showed a bit of flesh to tempt him - odd, but somehow like my husband, it is almost as if he wants ot put down your womanhood. My husband made comments like that which I didn't take much notice of at first, then it started undermining my sexuality and making me feel undesirable- he never noticed my hair, makeup, clothes etc on me, called my breasts breasticles..all sorts of odd terms came out of his mouth, then one time while engaging in foreplay he said he wanted to suck my "balls" I have since discovered a lot about my husbands fetishes, which don't include wanting or needing me  and am on 180 at present trying to detach for my own sanity


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Sometimes you have to be willing to lose something to keep it.
> 
> Tell your husband that there are problems in the marriage. You are profoundly unhappy. You are on the verge of filing for divorce unless he is willing to go to MC and work on things.
> 
> I also suggest that you get the book "His Needs, Her needs" for both of you to read and do the work it suggests.


:iagree: Great advice!


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## wandering heart (Sep 16, 2013)

Thank you all for the advice.

I have not mentioned divorce to him, as I don't want one. He threatens it whenever we fight and says he will take our children with him. I didn't mention it in my post, but we talked about getting counseling several time and he refuses. He does not want a stranger hearing our problems. 

I try to talk to him and ask what's he feeling, where he is at... he just sit on the couch and says that I don't communicate and that he "fixes his problems". I/we get no where. 

I know that I have flaws, that marriage takes work and that I am not the only one involved... I am not imagining an escape route... I actually don't feel like there is one. I just don't know what to do to make things better, or get on the right track. 

I want this marriage to work... but I don't want the rest of my life to be living on eggshells or with no love and romance...

I agree with what all of you posted... I need to talk to him again. I am just afraid it will not get anywhere, or lead to another fight. 

I'll see if he might be willing to try counseling this time...


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## wandering heart (Sep 16, 2013)

Jen53

Thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are right, our husband's do seem similar. It get much worse when beer is involved. He will be doing nothing but drinking and watching football for the next several months (I am not against football, I like it)... 

I hope that things improve for you. The one thing I will say... learning to do sexual things, outside our comforts zones is not necessarily bad... but don't do anything you are not comfortable with!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The problem is, he is happy with it as is. So he is not going to change anything unless you give yourself the power to take AWAY the 'as is.' IF you don't want a divorce, go for separation. Tell him he either goes to counseling or you will see a lawyer about a separation.


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## wandering heart (Sep 16, 2013)

turnera said:


> The problem is, he is happy with it as is. So he is not going to change anything unless you give yourself the power to take AWAY the 'as is.' IF you don't want a divorce, go for separation. Tell him he either goes to counseling or you will see a lawyer about a separation.


Thank you for the advice. I would really like to try that but I am afraid. Afraid he will call my bluff, afraid he will fight tooth and nail over the children and I so don't want to drag them through it. I am very willing to admit I have been a chicken. 

I have a lot to think about...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm not telling you to do it to get a reaction out of him. That's lying and a trick. I'm telling you to do it because you WILL NOT CHANGE HIM just because you want him to change. That's pretty obvious by now. Therefore you have two choices: agree to accept the crumbs he gives you and stop complaining, or decide you deserve better and WILL be better off without him. That way, if you move out or move him out, then HE has two choices: actually listen to you and see what he's been doing to hurt you and find out how to change, or let you go. 

But if you just stay there, you'll just keep getting what you have been getting.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Unless you've done bad things in this marriage, it is VERY unlikely that he will get even 50/50 custody of the kids. He can 'fight' all he wants, but the judges have formulas they must follow on who gets the kids.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Unless you've done bad things in this marriage, it is VERY unlikely that he will get even 50/50 custody of the kids. He can 'fight' all he wants, but the judges have formulas they must follow on who gets the kids.


Why is it unlikely that he will even get 50/50? Children need both of their parents in their lives. Unless he is a crack addict with a history of domestic violence, Dad should have just as much right as Mom to be a parent to their children.

Based on what was written, if Mom is the bread winner, she may owe Dad money for child support if he pushes the issue.


WH, do what you think is best for _you_. Start by following some of the advice of the other posters and talk with your husband. He will most likely not listen as he has "no problems", but it is a way to start. As mentioned above, sometimes you just have to be willing to let someone go.

I have discovered through my marriage and subsequent divorce, that children can be very resilient if you talk to them and let them know what is going on. Don't let your perception of what "might" happen prevent you from doing what you need/want to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because while men are getting more rights, laws still predominately protect women over men when it comes to custody, at least in terms of where they sleep. Getting 50/50 is just now starting to become more of a norm, rather than the standard every other weekend and a weeknight thing.


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## wandering heart (Sep 16, 2013)

Thank you again everyone for all the advice. I am planning on talking to him tonight. Kindly, not in a judging way, but a "this is what is going on for me" way. I am nervous as all get out but I have to start somewhere. 

C3156--Thank you for your comments. My children are very resilient, I am just so worried for them. When he is angry, he scares the living day lights out of them. I am not attempting to deny him custody/visitation. It's just when he says he'll get sole custody, my stomach drops to the floor. He's not a crack addict, but he is aggressive, and mean. I don't want to ruin his life, my kids' lives... I don't want to drag anyone through the mud...I just don't know how much more I want to deal with. I don't want to be hurt myself anymore either. I am trying the " you can't change him, change you" approach that is in all the books I've been reading, advice from counselor (I know a marriage counselor, so while we have not gotten formal couseling... I gave a hypethetical example to her once)... but I feel like I have been trying to change myself for our entire relationship and I don't know what else to change. And I am running out of energy...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he's abusive, then separating from him will give your kids at least ONE normal, stable home to learn from. If you stay with him, they will grow up learning to abuse, or be abused.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Another idea..... talk to an attorney. Not to get divorced, but to be able to make an informed decision. Knowledge is power. 

If you can't afford one, or think that he will see the charges....then do some phone work and see who will talk to you on the phone, or where you can get at least a free consultation. 

Also, google the divorce laws in your state. You can read up on child custody laws and support formulas, you can figure out IF or HOW you can pull off a separation or divorce. 

Do the homework, even if you stay.... you should know what your options are and if they are feasible.


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## wandering heart (Sep 16, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Another idea..... talk to an attorney. Not to get divorced, but to be able to make an informed decision. Knowledge is power.
> 
> If you can't afford one, or think that he will see the charges....then do some phone work and see who will talk to you on the phone, or where you can get at least a free consultation.
> 
> ...


Thank you--This actually makes sense. I have looked up laws/lawyers in the last month but that's as far as I've gotten. I get nervous making an appointment because I'd have to find a reason to go somewhere and not tell him what I was doing...

I think I will try to see if someone would talk to me on the phone, like you suggested


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

wandering heart said:


> Thank you all for the advice.
> 
> I have not mentioned divorce to him, as I don't want one. He threatens it whenever we fight and says he will take our children with him. I didn't mention it in my post, but we talked about getting counseling several time and he refuses. He does not want a stranger hearing our problems.
> 
> ...


Wow, your story just reeks of "flashback" to what I went through. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I understand completely what it is like.

Is your husband a narcissist? Does he lack the ability to empathize with what you are feeling? Does his anger always make you feel like the "bad guy"? Do you question your own judgment? Does he only respond with kindness when *he* gets something out of it?

I hear you loud and clear my friend. You love him, however you question whether (a) he loves you and (b) whether you can ever meet his "standards" and keep a relationship with this man, or whether life with him will remain "all about *his* needs" and whether you will have to shelf your needs in favor of seeing to it that *he* is happy. Narcissists. It's all about *him*.

Yes, as others here have said, see an attorney. Whether you know it or not, you are being emotionally abused. You are an equal partner in this marriage and your feelings do count. If your husband will not listen to you and make changes to meet your needs, then you really do have to consider ending the marriage. The alternate is that you will live the rest of your life with him, walking on eggshells and shelving your needs and desires in order to keep peace in the household.

Please give this information some serious consideration. Although it is always preferable to keep a family intact for the sake of the children, sometime in the future they will grow up and move on with their lives. You will be left with him alone, still walking on eggshells and denying the fact that your needs are important, that you are worthy, and that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love from the very person your swore to spend the rest of your life with.

I am currently divorced from such a man and let me tell you how liberating it is! I no longer walk on eggshells. I have found peace and happiness. I know I am worthy. You are too. If he cannot or will not seek counseling, both marital and anger management, then you are doomed to a future of what you see now. If you can't change it - end it. Please don't waste your entire life hoping that he will change on his own. Men like that never do. He needs help.

Wishing you the best.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would not yet advise going to see about divorce. You have to go to a counsellor or get your husband to come on here. Next thing never discuss with him what will happen after a divorce about the kids etc. As long as you continue 'fighting' he wont be interested in sex. Since you are the one coming on here it is you who will have to give in. 

Just stop arguing with him about anything at all. Give it a rest. Say he is right anything to keep the peace. Once that happens you will be able to see things in a different light and be able to make a judgement of how to carry on. 

One usually regrets making rash decisions.


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## wandering heart (Sep 16, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> Wow, your story just reeks of "flashback" to what I went through. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I understand completely what it is like.
> 
> Is your husband a narcissist? Does he lack the ability to empathize with what you are feeling? Does his anger always make you feel like the "bad guy"? Do you question your own judgment? Does he only respond with kindness when *he* gets something out of it?
> 
> ...


Survivorwife--Thank you so much for your response. I am sorry to hear that you went through something similar but happy to hear you have found liberation.

Reading your post made me cry... because it highlights exaclty how I feel... but it also makes me face the reality. 

I have spent our entire marriage trying to change, not upset him...not "push his buttons". I have so wanted for things to work out, to change for the better. To have the good moments stick around... But I am so tired, and I feel like in the last month I've run out of steam. The thought of trying to fix it is exhausting. I never thought this is how I would end up...

I have contacted an attorney, just for an informational session. And I am going to approach my husband again about counseling. Once I have more knowledge, and depending on if we get counseling... I will move forward from there.


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