# I am thinking this through OK, or should I just say "whatever"



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Most know my story:

My wife threw divorce papers at me in March while in the midst of an extramarital affair. This is not only a physical one but hugely emotional as well, to the degree my wife wants to see if she can start a life with him, which includes living together. My wife will claim “our marriage was over years ago, well before she even met the dude” but we all know that is common rationalizations for going wayward. The dude does the same with his wife.

One of the important pieces of dirt here is the man is still officially married (as well as we, although technically we’re in separation mode because papers were filed). Although the OM’s marriage had some issue to work out, it was not over yet according to the wife, and that his affair with my wife for all intents and purposes finished their marriage. The OM’s wife has yet to file the divorce papers, but they are forthcoming I believe. Although my wife served me papers, I too strongly believe we also weren’t quite done. I do acknowledge we had things to work out, but cannot visualize we’d be any where we are if it wasn’t for the involvement of the third party.

Although my wife would never say it, one of her prime forces to move is to shack up with her married boyfriend (man what a classy broad), who has been booted out of his own house by his rightfully ticked off wife (man, what a classy dude). He’s basically a vagabond at the moment.

The fact that both families have kids is where things get dicey. We have two (9 and 5) and they have two (12 and 9). My wife, during this separation phase, wants to move out of our home to a new place. Although that makes sense so both of us can move on with our lives, unfortunately it is tough financially, especially with mounting legal fees. The financial element is also there with the OM…but the two want to shack up.

My wife has been trying to get me to agree to a summer temporary custody schedule with my kids, which includes an on/off schedule so she can move from our home. Although she wouldn’t say it, I’m 100% certain she would also entertain the OM within her new abode and even live with him. Although I can’t control who she spends time with forever, I am very concerned to expose my kids to this soap opera at this present time. Think about it. My kids are now going to have to get used to their mommy and daddy not being around together in the same home anymore, and will also get pulled back and forth from two different locations during our shared custody arrangement. I really think exposing my kids to this “dude” this quickly, who at the same time is in the midst of his own soap opera with his own family is just not a good idea. To add further complications, the dude’s wife doesn’t want her kids anywhere near my wife due to the lewd behaviors she exhibited towards her husband in the midst of their affair. In addition, her kids know all about their dad’s affair. I’m not sure if I want my children introduced to theirs either, but again, understand I can’t control this forever.

I need to shield my kids from any soapy mess, and although I am not religious, I also don’t want my kids, at least right now, exposed to a couple with such low morals and scruples. 

I know my wife is frustrated that I am considering enforcing stiupulations. Should I just say "yeah, whatever"? I don't think I can do that, for the sake of my kids. My daughter already said to me "I don't want to have 4 parents". That statement freaks me out. If things were to blossom, my kids will be raised at least part time in the presence of 2 cheating, lying sacks.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You need to protect your kids at all costs. Do not let them be a part of their mother's love shack. If you can swing it, have the kids live with you, your wife can have a visitation schedule. You may have to get this in court. It will help if you have concrete proof of the affair - powerful in court decisions. No way should the kids be exposed to this man this soon. It may happen eventually, but maybe a year from now, when things have calmed down. By then, your wife and the OM will likely be broken up. Wayward spouses and their affair partners have a 3-5% chance of making their relationship permanent. They almost always end badly, for reasons I'm sure you can predict.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> You need to protect your kids at all costs. Do not let them be a part of their mother's love shack.


:iagree: I'll second that!!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Get a lawyer yesterday. You can't make this decision without legal advice.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I can't write an entire background on the why's right now..

but, I can give you the punchline...

Treat this as if its the single most important defining moment of your entire life. Here is it, This is it. Reach down with every ounce of strength you have, and call down the thunder! 

Nothing else matters, or will ever matter as much as this moment. DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. YOUR CHILDREN WILL NOT BE EXPOSED TO THIS.

You know when you talk to friends or look at your kids and think that you would throw yourself in front of a car to save your children? This is _that_ spot. A car is about to run down your children, Dad.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I can't write an entire background on the why's right now..
> 
> but, I can give you the punchline...
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Hell yeah!


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Definitely don't say "Yeah, whatever", you are absolutely right to put your kids first, they need to be protected from all this.

There was a thread a few days ago (sorry can't find it, maybe someone else remembers who started it) by someone who got a court order which said the children could not be exposed to the affair partner for a designated length of time, I think until the divorce was final?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> Hell yeah!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Let me add some more.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Let me add some more.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Me too!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

alphaomega said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Me too!


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

pjbap said:


> I know my wife is frustrated that I am considering enforcing stiupulations. Should I just say "yeah, whatever"? I don't think I can do that, for the sake of my kids. My daughter already said to me "I don't want to have 4 parents". That statement freaks me out. If things were to blossom, my kids will be raised at least part time in the presence of 2 cheating, lying sacks.


I will just tell you exactly what I did myself. I told the judge that I did not care one whit about alimony or dividing marital property--I'm a capable healthy adult completely able to provide for myself. But the hill I WOULD die on was that my exH would NOT skip off without financial responsibility for his children and my exH would NOT have my children around the hookers and amoral women he was parading through his life. Then I presented evidence of the one OW having 4 children by 4 different men and another being arrested for solicitation...and the judge allowed me to put in stipulations, and I put in a pretty firm morals clause about not having having overnight "visitors" while the kids were with him and not introducing the children until he had been in a relationship for more than 6 months! 

I personally recommend that you make this your hill to die on. 

I'll be honest. Your wife is bound and determined to be nuts, and you can't stop her. Cool. I say let her go now--like today--and she is completely free to take whatever item she wants and move out right now so she can shack up with LoverBoy. BUT the condition is that the kids stay with you in the marital home for the summer. You keep them in their home in their bed--they are safe and yep you will be burning the candle on both ends--but wife will be out and the kids will be spared her ridiculousness right now. After three months (when school starts) maybe she will have at least settled down enough to be sort of stable for them.

That's not to say she can't see them, but more like you volunteer to be the primary caretaker and figure out a way to get them off to school and then Bat-Drive to work and get them after school (hey--single moms have done it for decades, and single dads can too)! That gives her a chance to see them when she wants and is "more settled" and you have the peace of mind to know the kids are okay.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I believe I have no legal recourse. What are my chances in stopping this from happening. Any advice how to word things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Fight allowing your kids having anything to do with the other guy---

You know NOTHING about him cept, that he has helped wreck 2 families---he could be mentally unstable, he could be a child abuser----you don't know what goes on in his household

Keep him away from your kids, and never let him discipline them, in any way shape or form (if he does end up with your wife)


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

This is the thread Squiffy referred to:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/25880-children-meeting-ow-before-divorce.html


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