# Clinging on for False Hope?



## BeanTree (Jun 14, 2011)

I have been married for 3 years and we have a 1 year old child together. I have 2 children to a previous marriage who have nothing to do with their biological father (his choice, not mine). My husband of 3 years has fully taken on the father role to my 2 kids and is fantastic to them - a real Daddy.

6 weeks ago, my husband text me at work telling me he was done with the lies and deceipt within the relationship and had moved out. I came home to find nearly all the furniture gone (mine was thrown out when we came together as it was older), he left me a solicitors letter on the bench. The worst part was he took our 1 year old daughter.

It took me 3 weeks to see our child again and we now have equal custody via a Consent order and Parenting Plan.

I can't even begin to explain (no words describe it) the agony of having your own baby taken from you.

We had our arguments within the relationship but nothing I thought was marriage breaking. We did go thru counselling, but I wished to cease this a couple of months ago as I felt it was a tool for him to blame me for everything. I felt i dealt all my cards (truth was I had dealt 80% to the counsellor-I still had a few to deal) but as my husband would not even self acknowledge his own anger/emotional verbal abuse issues, I felt we were getting no where and it was all one sided.

My husband was controlling and as stupid as it sounds, it was the reason I told white lies. I knew better as he continually told me the most important thing is honesty. Which obviously I now know and realise now its the foundation for any relationship. I wish I had of been strong enough to tell him the truth about little stuff, instead of being insecure and lying about it to save an argument. In recent times I hid alcohol as i knew he didn't want me to drink, so he labelled me an alcoholic and used it as the excuse to keep me from seeing my baby ("I was endangering the baby"). I then proved via blood tests this was total and utter garbage. I hid bottles out of rebellion only. Yes, in hindsight I should of put it on the kitchen bench and said "there's nothing wrong with me drinking a glass every night, if you don't like it, get over it". Easier said than done in my shoes!

My husband has not once told me it's over permanently. He says he cannot see me or the children yet (we do the baby swapover at the kindy) and says we "are yet to be determined, he doesn't know if he wants to come back, he needs time to think, needs his space, is unsure if there is too much damage done..etc". He is also still wearing his wedding band. He has booked 3 months accomodation but says he may need 6 months or longer. I have no idea where he lives. And the furniture he took is all in storage. I have borrowed furniture and am sleeping on the mattress he left on the floor. 

I am adamant there is no one else. He has always prided himself on taking the Moral Highground.

I am desperately wanting him back and he knows it. I have non stopped begged and pleaded and apologised profusely by text him, emailed him, admitted to everything I've ever said that is a non-truth and promised him beyond belief I won't lie ever again. (I know I won't, I have learnt through extensive counselling to stand up for myself, face my insecurities and tell him/others the truth even if I know it hurts them).

At no point has he ever said he was of any part to blame. And I'm still not at the stage where I can get to that. I am in the 'Grieving stage, the self blaming stage".

In the past when we had arguments, he would leave the house for a hour, next time a few hours, then a day, then a couple of days, then 5 days......

I just want to know if I am clinging on to false hope. It is very easy to be told "he's controlling you, you take the reins, move on for yourself and your children..." 

But I can't move on. I married him for life, through hell or high water. Yes I want to change my ways, yes I want him to realise he has his own controlling anger verbally abusive issues, but I can't get over the fact I wanted to be with him to death do us part. If he does want it over at the end of the day, am I clinging on for nothing.....for futher heartbreak down the track......??


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