# My Husband Set me Up!



## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

I've posted a little before about whats been going on but I will short form it.. wait until you read what he did. 

- I have been distant and depressed with myself for months
- Husband got fed up and wanted to leave because he feels he is not being treated well
- He said he would give it a try
- Went to Montreal for work, came back and told me he had lunch with a few coworkers, one was a woman named "Sarah" 
- I asked him a few questions about "Sarah" but I trust him so that was it
- Went to Las Vegas for work and he asked for a break so we did not talk much while he was there
- Noticed "Sarah" liked a photo on social media of my Husband in Vegas... so naturally I clicked on her profile
- Her cover photo was the Bellagio in Las Vegas so of course I got really upset
- I asked his Mom (who is the President of his company) if this "Sarah" woman works for the company. She confirmed and I showed her the pic as I was really upset
- When he came back I asked him if anyone else from any other office went too and he said no. I just left it as I believed him even though I still had questions
- He just admitted to me that he had her and her BF agree to post that pic to see if I trusted him or not. So it was a SETUP!

So after my Husband drops this bomb on me, tells me he is unhappy and wants to leave and is basically super distant he decides to test my trust? How insane is that? I am still in shock that he would go to such lengths to do something like that. 

He thinks it was an okay thing to do. How would you react to that?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How would I react to that? 

Setup and set-off.
........................................................................................................................

What kind of Bozo does this and says this? Lame stuff, this poop.

Not that it matters, find out if Sarah, did indeed, go with her boyfriend.

I presume that Sarah is a dupe for your husband. Is willing to hurt you to gain favor with him?

His mother? I do not trust her either. She may be colluding with him and Sarah. Taking care of her Boy.

She knows that her boy and Sarah are cheating. 

Or, knows now.
..............................................................................

Dump him!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Oh, there's plenty about this situation that is insane, but this seems to be pretty run of the mill for how you've described your marriage in your previous threads. 

Option one is that he's a manipulative SOB who enjoys head games, so he actually asked some random co-worker to post a picture to test your trust in him. 

Option two is that he's cheating and you called him out on it, so he came up with this lame and very illogical story about how he had a random co-worker post a picture just to test your trust in him. Combined with his extensive work travel, his distant demeanor, his accusations that you're "checking up on him" or "violating his privacy", his rather blatant contempt for you, his asking you to basically work harder on that "pick me" dance he's got you doing, and is disinterest in your sexual relationship....I'm going to bet on option two. 

Why would you feel you should trust someone who did either one of those? Why would you want to be married to someone who pulled either stunt? 

By the way, even his asking his co-worker, Sarah, to help him test his wife's trust in him - provided you're gullible enough to believe that's what's going on here - is a rather blatant violation of healthy marital boundaries. You don't ask opposite sex friends to insert themselves into your marriage in such a way. Again, even if you were to buy that that's all that's going on here, it's plenty bad enough to dig deeper.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Setting up a spouse seems wrong to me, and likely to backfire. You are completely free to tell him that yo believe that he is lying about the setup and just invented that excuse after you saw the picture. (which could even be true....).


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I would be furious, the mind games for some people are horrible, i would scrutinise this man motives for setting you up, what is he playing at, he knows you are vulnerable yet he insists on testing you, you can't let him off with this, you have to be more proactive in your response, don't just let him walk all over you.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Don't have nearly enough detail from your post, but - I'd say he's been seeing this Sarah. Check his cell phone, emails, phone records. 

The distance he wants from you is so he can test drive Sarah in peace. 

What did his Mom say about this so far? Is she defending him or sharing with you?

Can you confirm Sarah was not in Vegas? 

I think you know he's mistreating you. He sounds like an immature pig.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

His "setup" might have been nothing of the sort. It might be that he really is involved with Sarah and just wants to throw you off the scent. 

Have you thought about calling his bluff? He's been talking about leaving for a while now. Maybe it's time to schmitt or get off the pot. Are you two in MC yet? Is it bearing any fruit?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Call Sarah's boyfriend and ask him yourself. Your husband is full of crap. I don't believe he set you up. I believe he is now gaslighting you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm serious about finding Sarah's boyfriend on Facebook and explaining that your husband has been hiding his phone, being super shady, lying about his trips and now is saying you are in on all this to set me up. 

He may have more access to his gfs things and can look for his own proof but if something is going on he deserves to know too.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> His "setup" might have been nothing of the sort. It might be that he really is involved with Sarah and just wants to throw you off the scent.


:iagree:


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Congratulations, you've been gas lit. Your husband noticed that your pilot light was on and struck the match. Now he has an ace in the hole to do what he wants. Pure passive aggressive. 

There's an old saying. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Would you say that what he did was remotely friendly? Keep your eyes open but your mouth closed because it just gives ammunition.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Rowan said:


> By the way, even his asking his co-worker, Sarah, to help him test his wife's trust in him - provided you're gullible enough to believe that's what's going on here - is a rather blatant violation of healthy marital boundaries. You don't ask opposite sex friends to insert themselves into your marriage in such a way. Again, even if you were to buy that that's all that's going on here, it's plenty bad enough to dig deeper.


Yup. Marriage is supposed to be 'you and him against the world', not 'him and his random co-worker against you'. If I was you, I'd just act really cold and disinterested in the whole thing. Don't get mad, get indifferent. That'll make him realise how daft this was.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Rowan said:


> Oh, there's plenty about this situation that is insane, but this seems to be pretty run of the mill for how you've described your marriage in your previous threads.
> 
> Option one is that he's a manipulative SOB who enjoys head games, so he actually asked some random co-worker to post a picture to test your trust in him.
> 
> ...


Option one is whats happening here. He's most certainly gas lighting me and has a very ego-syntonic view right now.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I 95% doubt he had his coworker post a pic to test you. 

He's cheating and making you feel guilty so you stop looking into it


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> I've posted a little before about whats been going on but I will short form it.. wait until you read what he did.
> 
> - I have been distant and depressed with myself for months
> - Husband got fed up and wanted to leave because he feels he is not being treated well
> ...


My wife as done similar to me, only she has previously given me reason to not trust her. I've caught her in lies, confronted her on them and been lied to again even after showing her evidence of the lie. And then she went on to to tell me one thing and do another to see if I'd say anything to prove to her that I was snooping. She did the same type of thing multiple times, it was crazy and made no sense. When I finally asked her about all of it she told me she lied because she didn't want to deal with me questioning her about things. It made no sense then and it still doesn't make sense


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Oh and either way, setting you up or cheating - leave for either. It's messed up. There's no good option here. 

You've said he was near perfect before. Manipulators do that. They seem wonderful and charming and great and make anything bad your fault. He's hiding and lying? Your fault for not trusting him. He's not coming home? Your fault for not being happy all the time. 

He's not perfect. He's an ass. Leave him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Marriages and relationships are all about mutual love and respect for each other and are not about the institution of playing "mind games!"

You have every right in the world to lose this character as well as his entire supportive entourage!*


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> Option one is whats happening here. He's most certainly gas lighting me and has a very ego-syntonic view right now.


I'm just honestly curious about this. Why are you so absolutely determined to believe _any_ other available option other than that he's being unfaithful? You've apparently done nothing in the way of independent investigation. And, yet, you're adamant that it's NOT cheating. You don't seem willing to even entertain the possibility. I'm just curious as to why that option, which has been pointed out to you as a real possibility by many posters on each of your threads, seems to be the one you absolutely will not consider?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Rowan said:


> I'm just honestly curious about this. Why are you so absolutely determined to believe _any_ other available option other than that he's being unfaithful? You've apparently done nothing in the way of independent investigation. And, yet, you're adamant that it's NOT cheating. You don't seem willing to even entertain the possibility. I'm just curious as to why that option, which has been pointed out to you as a real possibility by many posters on each of your threads, seems to be the one you absolutely will not consider?


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

In case you missed it, here's what I posted on your second thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...as-gestures-do-my-husband-4.html#post18244698

You REALLY need to wake up here and stop believing every single blatant lie this guy tells you!!!!! You are WAY WAY WAY too gullible. Bring THAT up to your counselor.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Rowan said:


> I'm just honestly curious about this. Why are you so absolutely determined to believe _any_ other available option other than that he's being unfaithful? You've apparently done nothing in the way of independent investigation. And, yet, you're adamant that it's NOT cheating. You don't seem willing to even entertain the possibility. I'm just curious as to why that option, which has been pointed out to you as a real possibility by many posters on each of your threads, seems to be the one you absolutely will not consider?


He's just not that type of person. He is to ego syntonic to do something like that. He would end our marriage and leave before even entertaining another woman. As insane as my marriage is right now, I firmly believe he told this woman to change her picture on Facebook. She has since deleted the photo of the Bellagio on her profile. 

The thing that makes me the most angry is that he is calling me crazy. He wanted to see "how crazy I was" - GASLIGHTING
How the hell can you set someone up in their most vulnerable moments and not expect them to investigate? I am most certainly not crazy. He has never been cheated on and I have. Every other relationship I have been in I was cheated on, gas lit, manipulated. I just don't understand how he can not see how wrong it was of him to do this to me. I am furious. He won't even apologize or take accountability.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> He's just not that type of person.


Bull****.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And even if he ISN'T cheating (which he damned well IS) why in gods name do you want to be with someone who treats you so deplorably??

You think you're broken - so FIX yourself. Have you told your counselor about all the crap he pulls?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> He's just not that type of person. He is to ego syntonic to do something like that. He would end our marriage and leave before even entertaining another woman. As insane as my marriage is right now, I firmly believe he told this woman to change her picture on Facebook. She has since deleted the photo of the Bellagio on her profile.
> 
> The thing that makes me the most angry is that he is calling me crazy. He wanted to see "how crazy I was" - GASLIGHTING
> How the hell can you set someone up in their most vulnerable moments and not expect them to investigate? I am most certainly not crazy. He has never been cheated on and I have. Every other relationship I have been in I was cheated on, gas lit, manipulated. I just don't understand how he can not see how wrong it was of him to do this to me. I am furious. He won't even apologize or take accountability.


I'm not at all certain how someone could be too ego-centric to cheat. That's usually exactly the sort who does cheat - those who believe the world revolves around them and that any and everything they do is perfect and justified. 

But, as you're clearly unwilling to entertain a notion that seems like a fairly obvious possibility, I'll just leave that alone.


What does your therapist say about all this? What are you doing to fix your self-esteem issues?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He is that person. He just lied and manipulated you into thinking he wasn't. 

He is cheating. 

Sarah and her BF would not have agreed to something so stupid. Sarah BF doesn't even know about this. She changed her pic because he told her you were getting suspicious. 

I trust my bf, if he set it up to look like he was cheating I would assume he was cheating. Everyone would. It doesn't prove you're not trusting. It's not even a rational set-up. No one would go along with it if he asked.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> And even if he ISN'T cheating (which he damned well IS) why in gods name do you want to be with someone who treats you so deplorably??
> 
> You think you're broken - so FIX yourself. Have you told your counselor about all the crap he pulls?


Seeing the counselor next week and telling her everything. I hope she reams him out and makes him see wtf he is doing is wrong. 

This is not the person I married. He was always kind, caring, giving. He just flipped a switch. I feel the steroids he is taking is not helping. He needs to realize that he has made mistakes too and at this point if he wants forgiveness, he has to be willing to forgive me too. I told him last night I feel like I will never be good enough for him. Do you know what his answer was? "I'm sorry you feel that way" ... not "Of course you are", or "don't be silly" . He went from this loving, send me a text ever morning saying how beautiful I am, would do anything for me to this. 

I'm pis*ed to say the least...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's not the counsellors job to ream him out. It doesn't really work that way. It's up to you to decide what you will and won't put up with. She just gives a safe place to voice your feelings. 

He doesn't think he did anything wrong. He won't stop.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He is that person. He just lied and manipulated you into thinking he wasn't.
> 
> He is cheating.
> 
> ...


Well this person did go along with it. Which makes her a horrible person in my eyes and most certainly someone I do not like and do not want my husband associated with.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Rowan said:


> What are you doing to fix your self-esteem issues?


I'm going to the gym, eating healthy, going out more - doing my own thing. Doing things outside of my comfort zone


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

I think your husband is an ass for setting you up. I tend to favor the direct approach to conflict. Seems a lot less childish. However, to me, there are a few red flags in your initial post that need some elaboration. You stated that you had been distant and depressed with yourself for months, your husband got fed up because he wasn't being treated well but decided to give it a try. This part was really glossed over and may shed some light to the situation...

1. How was your marriage prior to the months of your depressed/distant state? 

2. During the months you were distant towards your husband, was there any sex? Did you show him any appreciation of any kind?

3. Did you reach out to him for help at all or explain your mental state during this time? 

4. How long of time passed between your husband agreeing to try and this trip to Montreal? What did you do during this time to try to correct the situation?

5. What specifically was meant when your husband said he wanted to take a break before Vegas? 

6. How long has Sarah worked for the company?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> Seeing the counselor next week and telling her everything. I hope she reams him out and makes him see wtf he is doing is wrong.
> 
> This is not the person I married. He was always kind, caring, giving. He just flipped a switch. I feel the steroids he is taking is not helping. He needs to realize that he has made mistakes too and at this point if he wants forgiveness, he has to be willing to forgive me too. I told him last night I feel like I will never be good enough for him. Do you know what his answer was? "I'm sorry you feel that way" ... not "Of course you are", or "don't be silly" . He went from this loving, send me a text ever morning saying how beautiful I am, would do anything for me to this.
> 
> I'm pis*ed to say the least...


Steroids???? He's also on steroids??? Yay.

Your plan of tattling on him to the counselor IS NOT GOING TO WORK. MC for the two of you right now is a joke and a waste of money. You can't believe a damned thing he says - what the hell makes you think he's going to tell the counselor the truth???????

You need your OWN counselor. JUST YOU. By yourself.

Since you haven't read this yet I will post it again

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...as-gestures-do-my-husband-4.html#post18244698


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> Well this person did go along with it. Which makes her a horrible person in my eyes and most certainly someone I do not like and do not want my husband associated with.


She didn't post the pic to see if you'd get jealous. 

Have you spoken to her bf? Saw proof of him texting them to ask them to do this? Has he given you access to his phone yet? 
He would have showed you where he asked and they agreed if what he says is true. He would have kept that as proof to show you. Did he? 

Stop believing what he says. He's lying.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> 1. How was your marriage prior to the months of your depressed/distant state?
> 
> 2. During the months you were distant towards your husband, was there any sex? Did you show him any appreciation of any kind?
> 
> ...


1. Marriage was great - no signs that he was unhappy - always took care of me
2. Yes, always sex. - I sent him an edible arrangement to his work in May saying how much I love him 
3. That I did not do and that was my fault. I struggled on my own for a long time. 
4. It's been a few weeks. I have completely changed - Going to the gym, going out more, cooking dinner, being more positive/happy
5. He was not very clear at that time but what he basically was looking for was no contact and a trial separation to see if he missed me. He did say that he ended up missing me during this time. 
6. I have no idea how long she has worked at the Company - not sure how I would even find out. They are FB friends though - she has since blocked me. I am sure since my Husband told her he told me he tested me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> I've posted a little before about whats been going on but I will short form it.. wait until you read what he did.
> 
> - I have been distant and depressed with myself for months
> - Husband got fed up and wanted to leave because he feels he is not being treated well
> ...


Sorry Melissa, but I think there is more to his cover, he is trying to turn this around on you and your jealous, mistrusting, etc nature. It is highly likely that something is going on with this woman (what I am not sure) and he is trying to shut you down in case you question him anymore,
If nothing was going on, then it seems to be that your H is a boor and doesn't know how to treat his wife.
I would suggest that you put some space and distance between you. Dont pander to his ****. 
Do you work? Do you have your own money? If so go off with your girl friends, etc, live life for yourself, show your H that you are fine without him. He doesn't sound like a great catch at all and I bet he is cheating.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you husband is very cunning and playing you....that is a very devious trait....right now i would not trust what he says.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I don't mean to be provocative, and I have no idea if he's cheating on you or not, I figure you're in a much better position than internet-people to judge that so I think we should take your word for it, but could I ask: if you were him, how would you explain what he did to this forum? If he were posting here instead of you about the incident, what would he say? 

I'm not trying to be inflaming or anything. It just seems like that 'checking up on you to see whether you're checking up on me' reason, he must have offered something more by way of explanation for his actions. How did it come about? Did you confront him, and he said "A-HA, I suspected you were checking up on me, so I concocted an elaborate ruse.....", or something like that? Or did he come to you first?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> Seeing the counselor next week and telling her everything. I hope she reams him out and makes him see wtf he is doing is wrong.
> 
> This is not the person I married. He was always kind, caring, giving. He just flipped a switch. I feel the steroids he is taking is not helping. He needs to realize that he has made mistakes too and at this point if he wants forgiveness, he has to be willing to forgive me too. I told him last night I feel like I will never be good enough for him. Do you know what his answer was? "I'm sorry you feel that way" ... not "Of course you are", or "don't be silly" . He went from this loving, send me a text ever morning saying how beautiful I am, would do anything for me to this.
> 
> I'm pis*ed to say the least...


Melissa, I am going to be blunt here. YOU have to stop focusing on him, you cannot change him, your counselor cannot change him. YOU have to change how you respond to him, how you let him treat you, what boundaries you set. It looks like every time he offends you or upsets you you act all angry etc but then allow him to keep doing it all over again.

When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them and if he is not making you a priority in his life, then you have to consider a life without him.
You do not listen to what we say here, most of us agree it is likely he is cheating but you do not want to hear it.

IMO you have a problem, leave your H out of it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Setting someone up to feel bad and to instill fear in them is not something a safe person does, so his little plan backfired. He has proven himself to not be trustworthy. A man who is trustworthy does not play with his wife's feelings causing her to feel insecure about his love for her. Your husband is most likely cheating on you and he is trying to drive you crazy in the process. He is purposefully hurting you. 

I'm sorry you are being treated this way. Even in the unlikely event that your husband is not cheating on you, he is mistreating you and messing with your emotions in a most cruel manner. Even if he's not cheating on you he may as well be with this kind of behavior. It brings up all the same emotions of confusion and pain.

In a nutshell, your husband has proven himself to not be trustworthy with your emotions and is not acting like a loving, committed husband. He has severed your relationship.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> 1. Marriage was great - no signs that he was unhappy - always took care of me
> 2. Yes, always sex. - I sent him an edible arrangement to his work in May saying how much I love him
> 3. That I did not do and that was my fault. I struggled on my own for a long time.
> 4. It's been a few weeks. I have completely changed - Going to the gym, going out more, cooking dinner, being more positive/happy
> ...



That's tough. As others have said, it is difficult to put any trust into anything he says, so it's hard to truly determine the motivation for setting you up like this. That's why I'd typically try to dig deeper... But maybe that isn't the point this time.

I think maybe the real point is that there is simply no trust left in your relationship. Regardless of his motivations, for some reason he lost trust in you on some level. Else, why bother with this game trying to set you up. Bigger point is that you obviously cannot trust him (I'm even wondering if you even suffered through your depression alone because subconsciously, you knew you couldn't trust him on some level...). Trust is a foundation for any relationship, especially one with a spouse. Once the trust is eroded, there's really nothing left to support you. 

This may be difficult to read because you still have residual feelings for him, but I think it may be time to end your relationship with your husband.

I'm sorry - and best of luck to you in the future...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

melissa8585 said:


> I've posted a little before about whats been going on but I will short form it.. wait until you read what he did.
> 
> - I have been distant and depressed with myself for months
> - Husband got fed up and wanted to leave because he feels he is not being treated well
> ...


Sounds like you guys have some real trouble. MC might be a good idea.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Sounds like you guys have some real trouble. MC might be a good idea.


They're in MC and she thinks the MC should be telling her husband off on her behalf. He isn't the least bit sorry for anything either. MC is a total waste for them right now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> They're in MC and she thinks the MC should be telling her husband off on her behalf. He isn't the least bit sorry for anything either. MC is a total waste for them right now.


Yeah time and money. :surprise:


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

This is seriously messed up. Don't waste the money on MC. Use it on IC for yourself to get over his BS.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> They're in MC and she thinks the MC should be telling her husband off on her behalf. He isn't the least bit sorry for anything either. MC is a total waste for them right now.


Yeah that is what kills me... he doesn't see how wrong it is. I need to address with him exactly how it made me feel. It's manipulative mind games and the gas lighting has to stop. I don't even think he realizes what he really did.

This is far worse than me being distant and depressed for a while and not "treating" how I should have. I would never play mind games with him or make him feel hurt on purpose. This was on PURPOSE and unacceptable.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> Yeah that is what kills me... he doesn't see how wrong it is. I need to address with him exactly how it made me feel. It's manipulative mind games and the gas lighting has to stop. I don't even think he realizes what he really did.
> 
> This is far worse than me being distant and depressed for a while and not "treating" how I should have. I would never play mind games with him or make him feel hurt on purpose. This was on PURPOSE and unacceptable.


*So what are you going to DO about it?????* And DO NOT say you're going to 'bring it up in counseling'. That's a complete waste of time and money.

You can't keep agreeing with us and then turning around and starting a new thread where you basically ignore everything we posted before.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LOL.

"Set up" *my ass*. You caught the lying POS and he came up with that lame, CLICHE excuse. He sounds like the type who would use the "I got hacked!!" excuse if you found stuff on his phone. What an unimaginative tool.


> He was not very clear at that time but what he basically was looking for was no contact and a trial separation to see if he missed me.


Again - *my ass*.

Lover boy wants time on his own to pursue his relationship with Sarah. "Wanting to see if he misses you" is about dead LAST on his slimy agenda. Whether or not Sarah even HAS a boyfriend, the jury is still out on that one.

But you can bet the farm *you've *got yourself a LYING CHEATER.

Time to take the blinders off. Seriously. Take them off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm serious about finding Sarah's boyfriend on Facebook and explaining that your husband has been hiding his phone, being super shady, lying about his trips and now is saying you are in on all this to set me up.
> 
> He may have more access to his gfs things and can look for his own proof but if something is going on he deserves to know too.


I agree. I don't believe his story for a minute. So find Sarah's boyfriend and ask him whether or not he was in Vegas and if he was in on this plot. Or his is gf seeing your husband. It might be that Sarah does not have a boyfriend at all.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> I've posted a little before about whats been going on but I will short form it.. wait until you read what he did.
> 
> - I have been distant and depressed with myself for months
> - Husband got fed up and wanted to leave because he feels he is not being treated well
> ...


This is similar to what happened to me. After my ex left, the soon to be ex husband of the woman she moved in with (she had left him just weeks earlier) came by my house to tell me that I had been played. That everything that happened had been preplanned. My ex knew which buttons to push to get the reaction she needed. So she pushed my buttons to create an incident which she used as her excuse to move one, leaving me with the blame.

No one should be used like that. I would tell him to get the **** out YESTERDAY! It is absolutely what I should have done to my ex. Looking back she gas lighted me so many time. She even did it at the end. I asked her why and her response was "we have already talked about, until we were blue in the face" Strangely, I have no recollection of any such discussion.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> Yeah that is what kills me... he doesn't see how wrong it is. I need to address with him exactly how it made me feel. It's manipulative mind games and the gas lighting has to stop. I don't even think he realizes what he really did.
> 
> This is far worse than me being distant and depressed for a while and not "treating" how I should have. I would never play mind games with him or make him feel hurt on purpose. This was on PURPOSE and unacceptable.


Of course you wouldn't do this because normal people do not try and make their SO insecure, jealous etc, only a mean spirited person who also has something to hide. 

You sound like a loving person, but trying to get him to see things is pointless, you should work on yourself, keep at the exercise, build up your self esteem and who knows when you begin to like yourself and set down boundaries, you may discover you would like yourself even better if you get rid of the baggage which is your H.

It is difficult when self esteem is low to realise you need to be treated well and not like this.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> Of course you wouldn't do this because normal people do not try and make their SO insecure, jealous etc, only a mean spirited person who also has something to hide.
> 
> You sound like a loving person, but trying to get him to see things is pointless, you should work on yourself, keep at the exercise, build up your self esteem and who knows when you begin to like yourself and set down boundaries, you may discover you would like yourself even better if you get rid of the baggage which is your H.
> 
> It is difficult when self esteem is low to realise you need to be treated well and not like this.


He FINALLY admitted it was wrong today. Apologized to me. Said it was a stupid test and looking back on it now it was stupid. He then said he is sorry and he really means it and he said sorry he hurt me.

I really honestly don't believe he is cheating, I do have my guard up and going forward we said we need more transparency in our marriage. He said he simply went for a walk with "Sarah" to talk about him and I. He really is not a bad person, I think in his pain he made some stupid mistakes.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

melissa8585 said:


> He said he simply went for a walk with "Sarah" to talk about him and I.


No no no no... this is an EA bear trap.

This woman is neither a counselor nor a leader of faith... he should be sharing nothing of your marital challenges with her.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> *So what are you going to DO about it?????* And DO NOT say you're going to 'bring it up in counseling'. That's a complete waste of time and money.
> 
> You can't keep agreeing with us and then turning around and starting a new thread where you basically ignore everything we posted before.


I confronted him point blank last night and said how it made me feel and how it was unacceptable to play games like that and intentionally hurt me. At first he didn't care, said "well if you didn't stalk my life" .. I was like you basically told me you want a divorce, took off for the weekend to Montreal and you didn't expect me to have suspicions? He clearly knew I would or else he would never have tested me. I was cheated on in every other relationship I have ever been in so how could I not think that? Maybe instead of gas lighting me he should have reassured me that cheating isn't happening. 

He then apologized for it this morning, said he realizes how wrong it was. Said he will try and talk with me more going forward. I think he is just hurt and in a bad place right now. We have both made mistakes and we are going to work hard on our marriage. 

My Husband is not a bad person. He has always been so kind, giving and caring. He claims I emotionally abused him for a year or 2. Said I didn't care about him or supported him. I told him I'm sorry and it was not intentional, I was going through my own thing for a while and I am working hard on being the best possible version of myself. I have made so many positive changes for myself but the problem is he has no faith in me. Thinks this is just a flash in the pan and everything will go back to how it was. I told him I would never allow that to happen as I know who I am and the person I have evolved into. Ugh... it's a hard situation and I am just trying to take it day by day. 

I know everyone here on the internet thinks he is cheating but if you only knew him or our relationship most would not think it. He has just been unhappy and he is trying to care about himself instead of me. Which I get but he is very emotionally checked out and he says he is working hard on trying to get our marriage back so I just have to have faith in him even though he has none in me. 

We are really trying to get our relationship restored. All I have is hope.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Tatsuhiko said:


> His "setup" might have been nothing of the sort. It might be that he really is involved with Sarah and just wants to throw you off the scent.


Yeah, he could be lying/backpedaling to save his own arse.
That was my first thought.

When something seems too uncharacteristic for the person claiming to have done it, it usually is.

Why were you depressed? Are you doing something to deal with your depression?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ok so he showed you the messages where he planned this set up and unlocked his phone and you contacted Sarah to confirm her role in this set up? 

He doesn't get your blind "he's so perfect" faith anymore. Trust and *verify* 

I think individual counselling for you would be a better idea for right now first before marriage counselling. I'm not being rude, please understand that I have been in a place where I was depressed and had anxiety and then was gaslit and had it all used against me and I didn't have the ability to think straight at that time. You need to talk to someone outside of your husband as right now he has proven not to be your ally


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ok so he showed you the messages where he planned this set up and unlocked his phone and you contacted Sarah to confirm her role in this set up?
> 
> He doesn't get your blind "he's so perfect" faith anymore. Trust and *verify*
> 
> I think individual counselling for you would be a better idea for right now first before marriage counselling. I'm not being rude, please understand that I have been in a place where I was depressed and had anxiety and then was gaslit and had it all used against me and I didn't have the ability to think straight at that time. You need to talk to someone outside of your husband as right now he has proven not to be your ally


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Unless he has PROVEN he deserves your trust, DO NOT just hand it to him.

Until you wake up and smell the coffee, I'm done. Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I was cheated on in every other relationship I have ever been in..."

Why do you think that is? Not being unkind, but, you really need to look at the part you play in your relationships. Is it your gullibility that attracts this type of man? Is it your desire for a KISA that draws these men to you? Is it your willingness to overlook even the most blatant of bad behavior? Explore this in counseling for your future relationships.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> He FINALLY admitted it was wrong today. Apologized to me. Said it was a stupid test and looking back on it now it was stupid. He then said he is sorry and he really means it and he said sorry he hurt me.
> 
> I really honestly don't believe he is cheating, I do have my guard up and going forward we said we need more transparency in our marriage. He said he simply went for a walk with "Sarah" to talk about him and I. He really is not a bad person, I think in his pain he made some stupid mistakes.


Melissa, you are a complete sucker. He has you so hoodwinked that you actually believe his bullcrap. He is cheating on you with this Sarah chick. You make yourself look completely pathetic when you go to him and tell him things like how you feel you'll never be good enough for him, and taking blame that you treated him badly. He knows he has you completely under his control and you will believe anything he tells you. Nothing in your relationship is going to change until you face the reality of your situation, that you are married to a manipulative cheater.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> I know everyone here on the internet thinks he is cheating but if you only knew him or our relationship most would not think it.


I don't think that, I just think he's being a bit of a d. Without wishing to be troll-y, it seems to me that a lot of posts about contentious personal issues on forums like this often say more about the person posting than about the person and the situation they are posting about (and I include myself in that).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> I don't think that, I just think he's being a bit of a d. Without wishing to be troll-y, it seems to me that a lot of posts about contentious personal issues on forums like this often say more about the person posting than about the person and the situation they are posting about (and I include myself in that).


Majority of the time people looking at your situation from the outside can see the reality that those in the chaos of the relationship are not able or willing to see. Like your situation @vauxhall101... EVERYBODY can see what needs to happen except for you. Same here with Melissa. If you go through this forum, you will find thread after thread where the majority ends up being right on about what is really going on, we can see cheating from a mile away. I cannot tell you how many people come here and post EXACTLY what Melissa has here, that their spouse "isnt that kind of person", or that they "dont have time for an affair because all they do is work and come home'... well reality is that cheaters find time somewhere. In the car in the parking lot for a quickie at lunchtime for example. Sorry to burst your self righteous bubble, but this is fact. 

You both are living with your heads in the sand.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you are very naive about him. 

And I think you'll be back. 

I hope you aren't but I think you will.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

I'm really hoping I am wrong. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because I know he is going through things himself. At this point I don't know what to do. I can't see his phone records because his phone is with his work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> I'm really hoping I am wrong. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because I know he is going through things himself. At this point I don't know what to do. I can't see his phone records because his phone is with his work.


You need to realize that you are the only one who can protect you. He's not going to protect you, that's very clear.

He's a grown man. Do you really think that he needs for you to make excuses for him? If anything it's actually very disrespectful for you to make excuses because it's treating him like he's child. He's not a child. He does not need your excuses. If he's going through things, it's up to him to handle them and get over them without trampling all over you. 

Treat him like he's a man. He lied to you, there was no setup. 99% chance that he's cheating with that woman. The setup story is to cover his infidelity and her cheating on her boyfriend if she even has a boyfriend.

You made the mistake of letting him know that you found some thing. So now they have taken it underground. Instead you need to just watch and let him hang himself. You need to contact her boyfriend and talk to him, if he exists, to discuss his gf's cheating with your husband. 

You need investigate, find out what's going on in your life and protect yourself. No one else will.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Us guys are more ****-centric how we think more than our wives think we do...


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> He FINALLY admitted it was wrong today. Apologized to me. Said it was a stupid test and looking back on it now it was stupid. He then said he is sorry and he really means it and he said sorry he hurt me.
> 
> I really honestly don't believe he is cheating, I do have my guard up and going forward we said we need more transparency in our marriage. He said he simply went for a walk with "Sarah" to talk about him and I. He really is not a bad person, I think in his pain he made some stupid mistakes.


Sorry, he's lying. WTF is he walking around with some other woman talking about you. Possibly she broke off with him so he's running back to you or - anyway it's all lies and smoke.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> "I was cheated on in every other relationship I have ever been in..."
> 
> Why do you think that is? Not being unkind, but, you really need to look at the part you play in your relationships. Is it your gullibility that attracts this type of man? Is it your desire for a KISA that draws these men to you? Is it your willingness to overlook even the most blatant of bad behavior? Explore this in counseling for your future relationships.


I had only ever had 2 relationships prior. First one was abusive and crazy, second one went back his ex. Victim blaming is not the answer. No one deserves to be cheated on. It's not my fault they cheated, that's on them. 

My husband may be a lot of things but I am not sure a cheater is one of them. I honestly believe the relationship is platonic and he just wanted someone to talk to. Could it develop into something more? Maybe an EA? Maybe it already has? But I don't believe he has physically been with anyone else. 

Our marriage is on the edge but I know in my heart in can be repaired.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You cant repair it by yourself.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> I had only ever had 2 relationships prior. First one was abusive and crazy, second one went back his ex. Victim blaming is not the answer. No one deserves to be cheated on. It's not my fault they cheated, that's on them.
> 
> My husband may be a lot of things but I am not sure a cheater is one of them. I honestly believe the relationship is platonic and he just wanted someone to talk to. Could it develop into something more? Maybe an EA? Maybe it already has? But I don't believe he has physically been with anyone else.
> 
> Our marriage is on the edge but I know in my heart in can be repaired.



No one deserves it and they aren't at fault but I agree with her post. 

I had a history of dating jerks who cheated and were abusive. 

I had to sit down and figure out what I needed to fix in myself to stop picking these kinds of men. 

My self esteem? Missing red flags? My desire to "fix" broken men? 

Doesn't mean any of it was blamed on me but there were things I needed to look at to avoid it happening again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe it can be repaired and maybe it can't but you need to listen to your head and not your heart. Your heart can lead you wrong. 

I have no idea if he's cheated or not. I would say it's certainly possible. He's done some questionable things. For your own self-protection, NEVER think he won't cheat or isn't the type or whatever. I thought my ex-husband was the absolute last person on earth who would cheat. Turns out I was wrong. You could be wrong too. 

If you want to forgive him for whatever it is that he may have done, that's up to you. But you should be aware. And listen to your head, not your heart.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

melissa8585 said:


> I know everyone here on the internet thinks he is cheating but if you only knew him or our relationship most would not think it.


Great. Then you should have no problem with calling Sarah's husband/boyfriend and asking him if it's true.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

melissa8585 said:


> *I know everyone here on the internet thinks he is cheating but if you only knew him or our relationship most would not think it.* He has just been unhappy and he is trying to care about himself instead of me.


It's because everybody around here has seen this SO many times, with only the names and locations being different. What you're describing, at the very least, is an emotional affair. Physical affair? Only a matter of time now, if it hasn't begun yet.

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles.


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