# DH Won't Wear A Wedding Ring



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

First off, don't get the wrong idea. He's not a flirt and he's not looking to pick up women. He can barely talk to a female without blushing and stuttering. He lost his wedding band while jet skiing in Mexico a few years ago, and while we were both upset about it, neither of us were devastated. It's just a ring. My original wedding set fell apart and I'm on set number 2, so we aren't crazy attached to them. Anyway, we planned to buy another one but were always short the money. Time went by and he got out of the habit of wearing it and we just kind of forgot about it. I'd bring it up every now and again and he'd kind of shrug it off, saying he never liked wearing jewelry anyway. (he doesn't wear anything. no rings, no watch, chain...nothing)
Now he has started working out at a gym with a female friend. I'm not crazy about the idea, but whatever, I have my guy friends and fair is fair. But whenever I'm out and about DH is *adamant* that I wear my rings. Even when I'd rather not risk loosing them. So I am thinking that I would like him to get a plain gold band, just like the one he lost. But how do I bring this up after all these years? And how do I make my point without being pushy or annoying?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> But how do I bring this up after all these years? And how do I make my point without being pushy or annoying?


Does he have a B-Day or some event soon?

Give him a new band as a gift, if you can do so on an occasion where a gift is the norm you'll have less explaining to do about "marking your territory".


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I always hated wearing my ring. Felt uncomfortable. I ended tattooing my wife's initial on my finger.
I think a ring isn't going to make a break a marriage. Start by having a playful conversation, throw in a suggestion and see where it goes. Tell him you want to buy him a new band. He can pick whatever he likes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The occasion for the ring was your wedding. He lost his, so when you can, get him a replacement. Not like you're getting engaged. He's your husband. The dude lost his ring, so stick another one his finger when you can. That aint being pushy.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I took mine off 15mins after the wedding. I just don't wear rings. Ihate them the way they feel the danger of getting it caught on something bla,bla,bla.

6months after we were married she said hey wheres your ring? and I said I don't do rings and she said well then I'm not wearing mine and I said cool lets take it back and get the cash for it. 

my actions as a husband/provider/father define my love for my wife if that ani't good enough then ................. go find someone who will wear it and treat you like its important but through theiractions say differently.


now working with a woman at the gym would be cause for consern.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think the only thing that makes me wonder here, is - if it was like other folks here note where it isn't a big deal to you as individuals and a couple, then - that's alright, and you can decide how important it is to you that he wear one, and then buy him a new one. 

But - the fact that he's very insistent that you wear one, but makes excuses about having one himself, that seems - off. What does that ring symbolize for you that it doesn't for him?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Does he have a B-Day or some event soon?
> 
> Give him a new band as a gift, if you can do so on an occasion where a gift is the norm you'll have less explaining to do about "marking your territory".


It's not about marking territory. I just wish he *wanted* to wear it. I see my guy friends wearing theirs and I feel a little bit jealous. The rings are a public statement of our relationship. He insists I wear mine, even when waist deep in an icy river. (when I'm cold my rings get loose. I'm afraid they are going to slip off). It's the double standard that bugs me a bit, and the fact that he is running around looking all available. I had thought of the tattoo, but since he works in a corporate environment, I don't think he'd do that...


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## michelle13 (Oct 23, 2012)

If you're anniversary is coming up, buy him a ring. Or when he insists that you wear yours kindly remind him that he doesn't and if he wants you to wear your rings then he needs to wear his. Fair is fair right. I would be concerned about him working out at the gym with a woman.

Easter is coming up... If it's affordable you could get matching rings as an Easter gift to both of you. Easter is a time of new beginnings, a time for him to get used to wearing it again.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I do agree with Chilly. My grandparents were married 74 years and neither ever had a ring. There are people with rings on all fingers, both ears, in their nose, lip and God knows where else. Doesn't mean they're married, faithful, in-love, or even capable of any of that.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> But - the fact that he's very insistent that you wear one, but makes excuses about having one himself, that seems - off. What does that ring symbolize for you that it doesn't for him?


I think its because I get hit on a lot, even with the rings. He hates that and probably feels that not having them would make it worse. He is insecure about the amount of male attention I receive, mainly due to the fact that I am very active in a male dominated sport. So he likes to be represented. I get that. But I wish he would see my POV as well.


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## michelle13 (Oct 23, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I think its because I get hit on a lot, even with the rings. He hates that and probably feels that not having them would make it worse. He is insecure about the amount of male attention I receive, mainly due to the fact that I am very active in a male dominated sport. So he likes to be represented. I get that. But I wish he would see my POV as well.


Why does he think that you wouldn't want to be represented as well? Maybe if you put it like that he'd be more willing/wanting to wear a ring.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> It's not about marking territory.


Why did you say this?



LadyOfTheLake said:


> Now he has started working out at a gym with a female friend. I'm not crazy about the idea, but whatever, ...


There's nothing wrong with marking your territory, it's you're territory.




> The rings are a public statement of our relationship.


Letting everyone know..what exactly and why?



> He insists I wear mine, even when waist deep in an icy river. (when I'm cold my rings get loose. I'm afraid they are going to slip off). It's the double standard that bugs me a bit, and the fact that he is running around looking all available. I had thought of the tattoo, but since he works in a corporate environment, I don't think he'd do that...


There's that territory marking again. 

If he's so adamant about you wearing your ring then I'd say you'd be justified in telling him you want him to wear it since there seems to be no physical or comfort reason why he can't/shouldn't.

It'd still come across nicer if you got it for him as a gift though.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I do agree with Chilly. My grandparents were married 74 years and neither ever had a ring. There are people with rings on all fingers, both ears, in their nose, lip and God knows where else. Doesn't mean they're married, faithful, in-love, or even capable of any of that.


True but everyone has their own needs, wants, and desires, within a relationship and a wedding ring is important to many.

It's not a thing I think he should give her a hard time over.
Not that he is, it's most likely he'd put it on without question for all I know.

She should just get him one and ask him to wear it.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Now he has started working out at a gym with a female friend....
> 
> how do I make my point without being pushy or annoying?


He already knows what you're worried about. You will have shown it in other ways. This is going to be another demonstration of the same thing no matter how you say it. 

The uber-alpha posturing is what's pushy and annoying. This can actually come off as endearing.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> First off, don't get the wrong idea. He's not a flirt and he's not looking to pick up women. He can barely talk to a female without blushing and stuttering. He lost his wedding band while jet skiing in Mexico a few years ago, and while we were both upset about it, neither of us were devastated. It's just a ring. My original wedding set fell apart and I'm on set number 2, so we aren't crazy attached to them. Anyway, we planned to buy another one but were always short the money. Time went by and he got out of the habit of wearing it and we just kind of forgot about it. I'd bring it up every now and again and he'd kind of shrug it off, saying he never liked wearing jewelry anyway. (he doesn't wear anything. no rings, no watch, chain...nothing)
> Now he has started working out at a gym with a female friend. I'm not crazy about the idea, but whatever, I have my guy friends and fair is fair. But whenever I'm out and about DH is *adamant* that I wear my rings. Even when I'd rather not risk loosing them. So I am thinking that I would like him to get a plain gold band, just like the one he lost. But how do I bring this up after all these years? And how do I make my point without being pushy or annoying?


Buy him one as a gift. Tell him he means the world to you and you would like him to honor you by wearing it or whatever language conveys your wishes best.

I do not wear my wedding ring to the GYM. That said I am all business at the GYM headphones on and slapping plates on bars. I do not socialize at the GYM. I am there to train.

Both my wife and I wear ours socially. My wifes is rather impressive as I bought it for our 25th. Not flaunting this, but rather just stating that her wearing it means something to both of us. My wife bought me a new one as well. It means much to me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I*t's not about marking territory. I just wish he *wanted* to wear it. *I see my guy friends wearing theirs and I feel a little bit jealous. The rings are a public statement of our relationship. He insists I wear mine, even when waist deep in an icy river. (when I'm cold my rings get loose. I'm afraid they are going to slip off). It's the double standard that bugs me a bit, and the fact that he is running around looking all available. I had thought of the tattoo, but since he works in a corporate environment, I don't think he'd do that...


Telling him it matters to you should make him want to wear it.

And you are absolutely correct. If he wants you to wear a ring then he absolutely should not be a hypocrit about it.

All this said, I would not want my wife to wear a ring if the activity was not conducive.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In the context of this thread alone, I agree that he should wear a ring if you want him to, however I can't shake the feeling that the fact that this matters seems contrary to some of the feelings presented in

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/69462-when-man-looks-your-wife-8.html


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> In the context of this thread alone, I agree that he should wear a ring if you want him to, however I can't shake the feeling that the fact that this matters seems contrary to some of the feelings presented in
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/69462-when-man-looks-your-wife-8.html


That's specifically why I used the "Marking your territory" phrase in this thread sam.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> That's specifically why I used the "Marking your territory" phrase in this thread sam.


I figured as much but figured I'd just call it like I saw it too


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

With the activities that I do (kickboxing, grappling and weight lifting), I have lost 3 rings. I would throw them in my gym bag during training, or at least thought I did, and they would end up missing. After losing the 3rd ring, I decided to get a ring tattooed to my finger. I figure if I lose this one, I was never meant to have a ring.

I got it done on my 40th birthday. It is just a small band that mimics the gold necklace that my wife got me for our wedding. I have never lost that - go figure - and I wear it 24/7. The tattoo I have would be fine in a corporate environment. It is not very noticeable, but it is there. I know it is there. My wife knows it is there, and that is what is important to us.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

tacoma said:


> That's specifically why I used the "Marking your territory" phrase in this thread sam.


Well, yes and hence the comment of mine about the uber-alpha "nobody has a claim on me" in that thread. For most people, that icy hostility isn't very attractive in a companion, and can motivate one to look about for a warmer attitude. 

All it took was a little competition, and suddenly this hostility turns into a beta-looking "please show you have a wife" plea. 

If you spend a lot of time in other cultures it becomes distinctive how much warmer women can be towards men when they are not trained to think that a man opening a door for them or whatever is oppressing them and making them an "accessory".


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Well, yes and hence the comment of mine about the uber-alpha "nobody has a claim on me" in that thread. For most people, that icy hostility isn't very attractive in a companion, and can motivate one to look about for a warmer attitude.
> 
> All it took was a little competition, and suddenly this hostility turns into a beta-looking "please show you have a wife" plea.
> 
> If you spend a lot of time in other cultures it becomes distinctive how much warmer women can be towards men when they are not trained to think that a man opening a door for them or whatever is oppressing them and making them an "accessory".


I'm not "uber-alpha" rofl. Just independent and confident in myself. I don't NEED a man to take care of me, but I ALLOW hubs to do all that chivalrous stuff. Hence the screen name "Lady". He treats me like a lady and I don't respond with "icy hostility". 
Anyway, he saw this thread and says he will wear a ring if it bothers me that much. But now that he's offered, it isn't bothering me ROFL. IDK, I may surprise him with one one day.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I'm not "uber-alpha" rofl. Just independent and confident in myself. I don't NEED a man to take care of me, but I ALLOW hubs to do all that chivalrous stuff. Hence the screen name "Lady". He treats me like a lady and I don't respond with "icy hostility".
> Anyway, he saw this thread and says he will wear a ring if it bothers me that much. But now that he's offered, it isn't bothering me ROFL. IDK, I may surprise him with one one day.


You should get him one, I lost mine and it made me feel good when my wife presented me with a new one.

Reminded me she cared.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I'm not "uber-alpha" rofl. Just independent and confident in myself.


Not confident enough to merely ask a husband to wear a wedding ring, apparently. 



> I don't NEED a man to take care of me, but I ALLOW hubs to do all that chivalrous stuff.


Well the inconsistencies continue to mount: 

The Knight's Code of Chivalry was a moral system that stated *all knights should protect others who can not protect themselves, such as widows, children, and elders....and always respect the honour of women*.

Chivalry - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

We're talking a view of women from the _middle ages_, not the 1960's here. Where women were not independent, but weaker and dependent. Not to say inferior - far from it. They were held in high honor with a knight obligated to defend that honor. It wasn't a matter of women _allowing_ it. That was the Knight's _obligation_. And there was honor in that duty in the same way that women had their own special honor. 

That would include the very thing you took such offense to in the other thread. Others have already pointed out the inconsistency but I understand where it comes from. On the one hand, to deny the Knight his honor: you don't need him 'cuz women are independent and confident in themselves and it is offensive for the knight to think he could act in protection of women. That would make them accessories. Inferiors. Oppressed. But on the other hand, the alpha woman _allows_ him to act out his childish and foolish Chivalry. Because after all, she's a _lady_. 

I don't see that inconsitency in many other cultures because they have not been inculcated with the "we don't need you" wrath they feel they have to express at every opportunity against men. My wife has never once stated she's just _allowing_ me to open a door for her, or had to explain herself to anyone looking on as if it were abusive "It's Okay folks - I'm _allowing_ him to do that". Never fear - I don't _need_ him."

Mine just says "thank you".


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Not confident enough to merely ask a husband to wear a wedding ring, apparently.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I did ask him to wear one. I've brought it up several times in the years since he lost his. He kept saying that he doesn't want to wear one. I could insist, but I won't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. 

As for chivalry....perhaps "gentlemanly" would be a preferable term? I don't mind hubs behaving in a polite and socially prescribed way, so long as it doesn't have any negative impact on me. Will I let him open doors? Yes. Order my meals? No. We don't even have to talk about this....he just knows not to be a chauvinist jerk. I guess his mother raised him right 



> That would include the very thing you took such offense to in the other thread. Others have already pointed out the inconsistency but I understand where it comes from. On the one hand, to deny the Knight his honor: you don't need him 'cuz women are independent and confident in themselves and it is offensive for the knight to think he could act in protection of women.


What exactly is it that you think women need to be protected from? That's what I don't get. All this talk on TAM of being manly and protecting women and guarding territory.....from WHAT?? From heavy lifting? From big hairy spiders? What _exactly_ is it that modern women _need_men for? Don't get me wrong, I love men. I get along with them much more easily than women. I prefer the company of men to women any day. But this archaic little piece of your brains.....I don't understand why it hasn't evolved yet. No one says men _need_ women, other than for sex. So what is the missing part of the equation? I'm not being facetious either. I really don't understand where you are coming from.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> What exactly is it that you think women need to be protected from? That's what I don't get. All this talk on TAM of being manly and protecting women and guarding territory.....from WHAT?? From heavy lifting? From big hairy spiders? What _exactly_ is it that modern women _need_men for? Don't get me wrong, I love men. I get along with them much more easily than women. I prefer the company of men to women any day. But this archaic little piece of your brains.....I don't understand why it hasn't evolved yet. No one says men _need_ women, other than for sex. So what is the missing part of the equation? I'm not being facetious either. I really don't understand where you are coming from.



It the most literal sense other than for procreation men and women do not need each other. 

We need:
Air to breath,
Water to drink,
Food to eat,
Shelter from the environment.

All the rest is wants. 
Our want for companionship could be filled by a same sex friend (or a dog),
Our want for sex could be satisfied by masturbation,
ETC ETC.

Back to wedding rings.

To both my wife and myself they are a public symbol of the commitment we made to each other but for us it is not about marking territory or claiming ownership.

I broke my first weeding ring (working on the car) and my wife brought me a better one on my next birthday. 

My wife had hers (and the engagement ring) "go missing" when the jewelers that were at to be enlarged went bankrupt so she is now wearing the wedding ring my mother left me in her will until we can afford some nice replacement probably along with an eternity ring for our 20th anniversary next year.

I do not like to wear jewelry and the only things are wear everyday is my wedding ring and a watch (even these are removed if playing sport / doing heavy work). I do wear a veterans pin on my jacket and will wear my medals for Remembrance Day or at an ex-services event but that is "just different" to me.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

If my wife were totally honest about it, I’d wear mine again. Instead of coming up with all these “good reasons” I should wear it (and opening up a discussion about why I shouldn’t), she should be honest about why. 

My wife is insecure. Lots of rational reason for that insecurity, but it is her own irrational fears driving the want for me to wear the ring. She can agree completely with every excuse I have for not wearing it, but it won’t make that fear go away. If she’d just agree with my reasoning and admit it’s her own irrational fears driving her and how this would help her... I’d probably do it, just for her... I don’t need to agree, she doesn’t need me to agree with her either. She just wants that ring on my finger so she can feel a bit more secure.

But she doesn’t approach it this way. She argues that I’m wrong for my thoughts. She used to threaten ramifications or ultimatums (with some passive/aggressive stuff to boot like removing her ring in protest), but that doesn’t fly with me anymore. 

Learn to speak from your heart and make it about you instead of him. Go ahead and walk him through your irrational thoughts and fears about what the not wearing means to you and how it drives you crazy with unfounded, but very real, fear and insecurity you’d rather not have to worry about.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Hell I never take mine off. Its titanium, so its not going to break. Still looks the same after ten years. If im playing rec b-ball or whatever I just tape it over. Real hard. I dont even take it off for golf. Probably screw up my swing, and that aint happening.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"What exactly is it that modern women need men for?"

Well, at a minimum, I need him to pound me regularly. More specifically, I need him to throw me around the room and make me feel like a circus act sex star.

There's a lot of other things too, but those are the ones that none of my girlfriends can do for me.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> But this archaic little piece of your brains.....I don't understand why it hasn't evolved yet...
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I love men


Excellent, thanks ! You love men so much that you relentlessly insult them like this with sweeping condescending generalizations about being sub-human. :smthumbup:

So "ladylike". From the first post in the other thread this is also your usual state of affairs:



> am usually emitting my 'pi$$ off vibe'


You sure are. 

My wife is like a lot of beautiful women who are warm and pleasant towards people in general. She doesn't say anything about "loving" men either. She's just not a conveyor belt of condescenscion towards men.




> No one says men _need_ women, other than for sex.


I invite you to quote from posts here on TAM where men are saying the only thing they need from women is sex. Wow! More of the sweeping, durogatory generalizations - by definition sexism. 

Sexism: "Attitudes, conditions, or behaviors that promote stereotyping of social roles based on gender"




> I really don't understand where you are coming from.


I understand perfectly where you are coming from.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

> Excellent, thanks ! You love men so much that you relentlessly insult them like this with sweeping condescending generalizations about being sub-human.


See, how many men are on here arguing in defense of their urge to protect and dote on women. Since there is nothing in our modern world that women especially need to be protected from, and women are mentally competent enough to care for themselves, what else would promote such an urge but either a vestigial impulse or social conditioning left over from a bygone era ? What else could that be called but archaic? I'm not trying to be insulting, just very matter of fact from my perspective. I find this interesting, in an analytical way. 




> I invite you to quote from posts here on TAM where men are saying the only thing they need from women is sex. Wow! More of the sweeping, durogatory generalizations - by definition sexism.


Well it is true, biologically. And men are always on here complaining about lack of sex....far more so than women. Men have more of a biological imperative to seek out sex than women do. Whatever, it is what it is. So aside from copulation, men and women really don't need each other. That was my original point.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Well it is true, biologically. And men are always on here complaining about lack of sex....far more so than women. Men have more of a biological imperative to seek out sex than women do. Whatever, it is what it is. So aside from copulation, men and women really don't need each other. That was my original point.


Well congratulations on getting through a whole post without overt sneering condescenscion towards men, only after having it repeatedly pointed out to you. This record is not one of cool analytics as you are saying, after finally getting you to conduct yourself with some degree of civility. It is some kind of deep emotional defensiveness on your part. 

You say you don't intend to be offensive - but who "usually" walks around with their proudly self-proclaimed "pi$$ off" attitude?

There is a basic sociological/psychological phenomenon that is at work between family members, towns, schools, countries, etc. that is so central to the nature of mankind it is bizarre to see it attacked with such hostility. This is not a one-way phenomenon of only men being protective of only women who are their sex partners. A mother still feels this way about her children that are grown men. And we look at that as a positive social force, and speak of it warmly instead of getting our hackles raised and claws out as you have done. 

You are using the "fallacy of definition" to "prove" that we, as distinctively social creatures in the animal kingdom, don't "need" each other. In that fallacy, we assume people don't need each other, then go about defining "need" in a way that matches our assumption, and pretend that we have proven what we assumed. 

This uber-defensiveness, this compulsion to repeat the meme "women don't need men" is antisocial by definition. A sexist antisocial meme. I do not see it as anything that is beneficial to men, women, or society.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

You're not being pushyat all by bringing it up. I can understand that it bothers you. 
I'm an avid weightlifter and had to remove my ring because it digs into my skin when I worked out. 
One day I lost the ring. My wife was upset and I understood why she was.

Your husband will probably get why you want him to wear a ring. Or at least he should..


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## lapdog (Jul 12, 2013)

If the relationship is solid, that doesn't mean anything IMO. We have been marries almost 30 yrs, and the ring came off at the end of our honeymoon and has never been worn since. For me it was a safety issue, I worked in marine construction, and rings and wrist watches were dangerous.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> It's not about marking territory. I just wish he *wanted* to wear it. I see my guy friends wearing theirs and I feel a little bit jealous. The rings are a public statement of our relationship. He insists I wear mine, even when waist deep in an icy river. (when I'm cold my rings get loose. I'm afraid they are going to slip off). It's the double standard that bugs me a bit, and the fact that he is running around looking all available. I had thought of the tattoo, but since he works in a corporate environment, I don't think he'd do that...



I hate jewlery and couldn't stand the ring. Good looking married guys get hit on because they have the ring on. I would be more worried about why both of you think its ok to spend time away from each other with oppossite sex friends. I guarantee this is the most damaging thing happening in your marriage. Perhaps you're really the one with the double standard?

Peace


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I absolutely hate jewelry. Plus, my job is messy and if I were my ring it would have been ruined long ago. I pretty much only wear it on the weekends, and even then I sometimes forget since I'm not used to wearing it. 

I do wear it when I'm out alone or with the kids, minus the wife though. Sometimes i feel bad for not wearing it all the time, but i'm honest, loyal, and loving to my wife. I'm sure she'd rather have a man who is all that and doesnt wear a ring all the time, than a man who wears it all the time without meaning.


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