# Not sure how to re-lite the fire



## oldschooldude (Jan 22, 2018)

Hi everyone,

My Wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We are extremely happy together, and all aspects of our marriage are great with the exception of sex (more on that in a moment). My family has a history of mental disorders and I have recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, as well as severe anxiety, and depression. My Wife has also been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. We know our triggers, but sometimes we can't help it and we just end up having a day where we are depressed or have a bad bout of anxiety. We make sure to tell each other that we are "having a day" and that let's us know that we may not be of the normal mindset for that day. I've tried medication but it started giving me suicidal thoughts so my Dr. took me off of it and started me on medical marijuana which helps much more than the "pills" ever did.

My Wife and I love each other dearly, and even though we are in our late 20's we have sex literally once per year. We simply do not have the energy for it half of the time even though we are both in fantastic shape. Those that have anxiety and depression will know how that will mentally drain you. This has been going on for the last 4 years, and has slowly dwindled down from 4 times per year down to once now.

My Wife had an EA back in 2012 when we had to move back in with her parents due to a job loss and I didn't make much money back then. With a lot of hard work and dedication we were able to reconcile and stay together. We now have a beautiful house, and collectively make well over 6 figures, both are in great shape, no kids, and everything going for us. But we have these disorders which seem to rule our lives. I want nothing more than to have a sexual relationship with my Wife but simply have ZERO desire for any kind of sex or masturbation. She and I have talked at length about this issue and she says that she wants sex, but she is just waiting for me since I never seem to want it. We had sex last February and I found myself losing my erection, I was having a day with a really bad bout of anxiety (one of the worst I have ever had), but it had been 10 months before then since we had sex and I was tired of never wanting it. We were able to finish but it was not only embarrassing, but extremely emasculating. My Wife is very attractive, but I simply have no sex drive. My therapist had told me that anxiety and depression can kill libido and even cause ED which I fear may be what I am beginning to get. I can still get erections, but it's not as easy as it used to be, and this also makes me nervous to initiate, as I have severe performance anxiety. Therapy has been no help with this issue so I am reaching out to this great community for any advice they can give to re-kindle the passion in my marriage.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you guys are way too young to be sexless. its a real shame, but you have my sympathies.

first, i would go to a dr. and have your testosterone levels checked and address that. by the way, there are a number of legitimate 
testosterone non-prescription boosters available, which i would try before the prescription ones like arginine, but first see your dr. to see
if there is an issue and how much.

then, get your dr. to write an rx for one of the big three (cialis, viagra, levitra). this will probably help with your anxiety performance whether
organic ed or psychological. dont wait much longer. you're way too young to be having such problems, take it from an old guy................and good luck!


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

This is a shame. As difficult as sex can be for some couples (getting both to align) it is even more difficult when you start throwing in mental issues into the mix.

I cant add much but this: I do alot of reading on topics and nutrition was one of them. New reports are showing that depression and anxiety may have a root in your gut bacteria. Similar to our spine, that has a vast array of connections between our brain and organs, the lower stomach has its own network connecting to the brain. These gut bacteria have been scientifically shown to send chemicals to our brain... "eat more carbs... etc.. etc..."

Do you guys eat healthy whole foods, or packaged foods? When you eat potatoes or veggies in your meal, are they fresh from the produce section or in a can/frozen package?

There is also something that is slowly becoming legal in North America that has been legal in the UK for 10+ years.. its called a 'fecal transplant' and apparently corrects your gut bacteria pretty quickly. There is even cases of autism being reduced in scale after this treatment..

Anyway... if your interested in the books with this information just send me a PM and i can recommend.


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## oldschooldude (Jan 22, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> you guys are way too young to be sexless. its a real shame, but you have my sympathies.
> 
> first, i would go to a dr. and have your testosterone levels checked and address that. by the way, there are a number of legitimate
> testosterone non-prescription boosters available, which i would try before the prescription ones like arginine, but first see your dr. to see
> ...


Thanks for the reply and info. I already had a testosterone test completed and I was within normal ranges, low testosterone was my first thought. It really does seem like and my various Doctors agree that my issues have all really seemed to stem from my depression/anxiety. I was hoping that my libido would eventually come back, but it unfortunately doesn't seem that it has.


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## oldschooldude (Jan 22, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> This is a shame. As difficult as sex can be for some couples (getting both to align) it is even more difficult when you start throwing in mental issues into the mix.
> 
> I cant add much but this: I do alot of reading on topics and nutrition was one of them. New reports are showing that depression and anxiety may have a root in your gut bacteria. Similar to our spine, that has a vast array of connections between our brain and organs, the lower stomach has its own network connecting to the brain. These gut bacteria have been scientifically shown to send chemicals to our brain... "eat more carbs... etc.. etc..."
> 
> ...


That's funny you say that as I have had ulcerative colitis for 15 years! I'm on medication for that I have to take for the rest of my life unfortunately, but between the medication I take and the medical marijuana it does keep me in 100% remission. I've heard of the fecal transplants several years ago as well that was something used to correct bacterial balance in the gut.

We typically eat a home cooked meal every day during the week. We both stay away from prepackaged foods, and try to stay 100% organic with our fruits and veggies.

Thanks again for the reply. Unfortunately today is another day where my depression is kicking me hard.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Have you tried lifting weights? Start out light but get busy bulking up. Exercise will help with depression and weights will help to naturally boost your testosterone.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Are you and your wife under competent care and intervention for depression, anxiety, and the like? You got great advice so far, I'm just thinking about root causes as always.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Testosterone may help with depression and will almost certainly boost your sex drive. 

And a low dose of viagra will make your ED disappear totally. Try 25 mg to start. 

The testosterone will make you WANT sex. And after you discover how rock hard the viagra makes you, your performance anxiety should fade. 





oldschooldude said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> My Wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We are extremely happy together, and all aspects of our marriage are great with the exception of sex (more on that in a moment). My family has a history of mental disorders and I have recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, as well as severe anxiety, and depression. My Wife has also been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. We know our triggers, but sometimes we can't help it and we just end up having a day where we are depressed or have a bad bout of anxiety. We make sure to tell each other that we are "having a day" and that let's us know that we may not be of the normal mindset for that day. I've tried medication but it started giving me suicidal thoughts so my Dr. took me off of it and started me on medical marijuana which helps much more than the "pills" ever did.
> 
> ...


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## oldschooldude (Jan 22, 2018)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Have you tried lifting weights? Start out light but get busy bulking up. Exercise will help with depression and weights will help to naturally boost your testosterone.


I hit the gym 4-5 times per week for weights and cardio. I'm 5'9" and 185lbs, but I'm pretty much solid muscle, abs and all. It helped a bit with the depression and I did notice an increase in my sex drive. I honestly think that it's just been so long since we have had sex I'm nervous to initiate.




john117 said:


> Are you and your wife under competent care and intervention for depression, anxiety, and the like? You got great advice so far, I'm just thinking about root causes as always.


I appreciate all of the advice so far, it's been really helpful. We are not on medication or under the care of a mental health specialist. All of the ones around here are honestly worthless, and gave horrible advice (we actually had one say to just not think like that when you get depressed because she didn't understand why so many people choose to live life like that). Apparently she thought depression and anxiety were choices, and not disorders.

We have a local support group of about 18 others which has helped more than anything else.




MEM2020 said:


> Testosterone may help with depression and will almost certainly boost your sex drive.
> 
> And a low dose of viagra will make your ED disappear totally. Try 25 mg to start.
> 
> The testosterone will make you WANT sex. And after you discover how rock hard the viagra makes you, your performance anxiety should fade.


I understand that but it's just to embarrassing to even think about needing that at my age. I mean for the love of God, I'm note even 30 yet and I need viagra?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

oldschooldude said:


> I understand that but it's just to embarrassing to even think about needing that at my age. I mean for the love of God, I'm note even 30 yet and I need viagra?


Be pragmatic and accept the benefit of living in the 21st century. Imagine that there was a pill to remove the symptoms of dementia, but a 50-year old diagnosed with dementia refuses to take it because "50 is embarrassingly young to have dementia".


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The goal is to create physically and emotionally positive experiences and by doing so, build positive momentum to create a healthy sexual routine. 

AFTER doing that you can experiment by slowly cutting back on the viagra. It may be - that testosterone alone will be sufficient for you to stay rock hard. 

The benefit of a low dose viagra in the beginning is that -combined with the testosterone it will guarantee your performance. Think of it as a bridge to cross the chasm from a sexless marriage to a happier more connected marriage. After you cross the bridge you may find you don’t need it at all or that you can get the desired result with a very small (10 mg) dose. 






oldschooldude said:


> I hit the gym 4-5 times per week for weights and cardio. I'm 5'9" and 185lbs, but I'm pretty much solid muscle, abs and all. It helped a bit with the depression and I did notice an increase in my sex drive. I honestly think that it's just been so long since we have had sex I'm nervous to initiate.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

oldschooldude said:


> I want nothing more than to have a sexual relationship with my Wife but simply have ZERO desire for any kind of sex or masturbation. She and I have talked at length about this issue and she says that she wants sex, but she is just waiting for me since I never seem to want it.


If one finds themselves with ZERO desire for anything sexual but yet wants to have a sexual relationship with their spouse... I have trouble with one but yet this is where many relationships find themselves. Do you:

A) Wait for a spark within yourself
B) Expect your spouse to arouse you
C) Assume that some problem outside of your control is to blame 

The issue is that all of the above are likely excuses and equate to simply doing nothing. I'm not saying that this is what you are actually doing, but it is perhaps a process that some folks go through before reaching a point of feeling that something has to happen. 

I personally would take a strong look a working on A) to make a spark happen within yourself. What does it take to get yourself aroused is a good question to ask. Perhaps start by thinking what used to get you aroused and examine if those things would still work or if they are no longer of any interest. If things that used to work have stopped working then make it a point to begin exploring yourself via reading and reflecting about different ideas. Generally speaking you want to try and find something that stimulates your curiosity. Curiosity is the birthplace of sexual desire. 

Then personal development is the fuel the keeps the spark alive. One can not develop and learn unless they are willing to fail and be humble about it. Perhaps you could playfully embrace the fact you have zero desire and challenge your wife to make you fail at it. Meaning if she does something and nothing happens you win, but if she gets you aroused then you fail horribly and there are consequences (like having to take her to her favorite restaurant that you might try to avoid). If you win at not getting aroused then something fun happens as well, like your wife having to give you a nice back massage. The idea is that through both of you learning to be humble and playful as a way to reengage with one another physically perhaps you'll find a spark that rekindles your fire. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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