# Numb...



## FunBobby (Oct 3, 2011)

Hey all, 

Thanks for all the information on here and the support and candid advice. I've been a lurker for a while and finally need your advice and to serve as a soundboard.

34, married for 9 years been together for 12. We generally have something very special, we are (were?) each other's best friends, she is my world and I am hers. Every few years, we seem to hit a snag and I force a conversation and everything is good again...but this time it's different and it scares me.

We have an adorable little 2 year old and he is a blessing, but we also both recognize that HE is part of the bases for added fatigue and some tension. 

To summarize, we are both professionals, both attorneys, with very busy, very hectic schedules. She's also reached a point where she doesn't want to work anymore -- and wants me to earn more money so she can quit - which is fine with me, but I said give me about five years. We're not there yet. In my assessment the root of most of her stress is her work, but she is not in a position to quit and frankly, she doesn't want to go through the hassle of finding a new job, even though I've promised to do what I can to help. 

I try to be super-husband and super-dad, I learned what not to do from my father (who was a great provider, but not a father or husband or partner) - I help around the house, I care for the baby, I compliment, I'm positive, I'm romantic (I've always written her poetry so powerful it often brings her to tears), I get her flowers for no reason, I'm a partner, a friend, I'm funny, self confident. She looks great (even after the baby) and I've always been in shape, but over the past year been getting in better shape for her. So, I've lost ten pounds and been excersing more, it's only fair.

Well, since baby, but more so over the past 10 months or so, our sex life has begun to go down hill. Keep in mind that we both generally had very strong, very adventurous, and passionate libidos. 

I forced a conversation two days ago (I'm the communicator in the relationship) and she hurt me. To summerize:

1. She agreed that she doesn't enjoy sex anymore, didn't know why, but agreed to it - even though when we do have it, it's great and passionate and I always take care of her needs before mine and bring her to orgasm at least once or twice. 

2. She is not "happy" with her life and admitted to crying often on her own - she was depressed post partum, but bounced out of that within a year. She refuses to see any therapist or even a marriage counselor. She hurt me, because she essentially made it sound that she is not happy, and to me that sounded like she's not happy, possibly because of me. 

3. She said she didn't want flowers - though she never told me that EVER before, because they are a waste of money.

4. Something has changed and I told her I feel as though she is pushing me away, I don't care if she is attracted to other men, I am attracted to other women, but we don't act on it. BUT, what scares me is a deviation from the norm, only recently I found - by happenstance - that she was looking up movie sex scenes and pictures of hot guy celebrities (I don't care), but the fact that she hid them from me and then deleted them bothered me. She knows better, I don't mind at all. In fact, we generally point out "eye candy" to each other because we are so comfortable with our relationship. This is a concern because it is a deviation from the norm, what changed? I don't know, but combining that with her recent distance from me scares me. Obviously, she's still sexual, she just isn't that interested in me then.

5. She states that anytime we are alone without baby, that I start wanting sex - which isn't true, but sex is and has always been a very big part of our life together, as of late we have sex once or twice a month. She complains that I always want a CWS (Crazy Wild Sex) for hours, and that our lives don't allow for that anymore. I clarified that I'm more gounded than that and can deal with a few quickies a week and a nicer session on the weekend. She is very analytical and her reasoning is that sex isn't on her radar because we have more important things to do, like work (she has crazy billable hour requirements), clean our big house, care for our baby, etc. etc... etc..., but I explained that we are the priority for one another and sex is part of how we express our love to each other.

So...what do you all think, I'm sure I'm forgetting something and will add it if I recall, but I don't understand A) why this is happening, she claims she doesn't know either, but to her it's just no longer a priority; and B) what prompted it? I've done no wrong and she guilts me by saying that I put her on the defensive, that I haven't changed since law school, but she has, so she's the bad one. C) What am I to do next? I've backed away, I'm letting her have her time and space, but I'm also hurt and letting her know that I'm hurt.

I'm numb from the pain....

Thank you all in advance for your thoughts and comments.

Cheers,
Nico


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Aww I love Fun Bobby!!  

i will get back to your post after I eat...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

PPD --- post pardem depression. Look into it. It can last years.

I hate it with my first. It was 3 years after birth that I felt normal again...they didn't talk about it 12 years ago so I didn't get help.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Offer to downsize your house and allow your wife to quit her job. You said you had a big place. With a toddler, you don't need much space. Get a place you can afford on your salary right now and you can upgrade when your 5-year plan comes to fruition.

If her quitting isn't an option, perhaps let her take a part-time job or a government job with a 40-hour week. Either one would be less stress and less time required, which means more time for you.

You need to check out Married Man Sex Life for helpful information. Man-up, shore up your Alpha traits to increase your attractiveness, and maybe destabilize your relationship a bit. Also, stop telling your wife that it's OK if she lusts after other men. Women don't like that.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Offer to downsize your house and allow your wife to quit her job. You said you had a big place. With a toddler, you don't need much space. Get a place you can afford on your salary right now and you can upgrade when your 5-year plan comes to fruition.
> 
> If her quitting isn't an option, perhaps let her take a part-time job or a government job with a 40-hour week. Either one would be less stress and less time required, which means more time for you.
> 
> You need to check out Married Man Sex Life for helpful information. Man-up, shore up your Alpha traits to increase your attractiveness, and maybe destabilize your relationship a bit. Also, stop telling your wife that it's OK if she lusts after other men. Women don't like that.



I second that. Big-time. Except for the "lusting after other men" -- some of that is perfectly natural and healthy. It's when it becomes obsession that it's a problem. 

I'd also agree with the PPD diagnosis. It can take a while for a woman's hormones to normalize after being, in rapid succession, an incubator and a milk machine. When was her last physical/OB-GYN visit, and what did they say about her hormone levels?

As to your own response . . . first of all, while I can appreciate how you are hurt by what she said, it sounds like you need to communicate, and perhaps strongly:

1) Sex is an important part of our lives together, and if you don't want it anymore, That's A Problem. A few months break after a baby is one thing. This is far more serious, and it's shaking the foundations of your relationship whether she realizes it or not.

2) While you're open to supporting her in whatever way that she needs you to, you have limits to what you can reasonably do, just as she does. If she wants guidance, it sounds like you've given her some. I know when my wife proposes something crazy like quitting her job and home-schooling the children, I ask her to show me her financial plan on paper. 

3) This sounds suspiciously like a kind of long-term s*it test, a "fitness test" to see how you respond. Even if you back away slowly and thoughtfully, don't be afraid to let her know that you aren't happy after your conversation. It's likely she's looking to you for some Alpha-inspired leadership. Don't be afraid to give it to her, and in the mean-time I'd take the temperature down a few degrees. Kissing her a## after a conversation like that does no one any favors. Respect her space, but retreat to the Man Cave, forthwith.

And for God's sake, go to Athol's site and at least see what's going on. His advice is unparalleled when it comes to this sort of thing. More than likely, this is just a bit of hormonal moodiness that will pass . . . but if you let it fester, it will come back and bite you in the butt later. It sounds like she suddenly wants to be a Mommy and is hesitant to give up the career she's worked so hard for to do it because that would make her utterly dependent on you, and that would be a betrayal of her ideals, but at the same time she feels the desperate ache of motherhood telling her that every day she spends away from her baby is one that she will never get back.

In that context, sex with you would, to her, be a concession of her dependence on you. It would be a symbolic acknowledgement of the problem, and the fact that the proposed solution hinges on _your_ willingness and ability to come through for her. She resents it, and is starting to resent you because you don't seem to be plagued by these problems, which just reinforces the stereotype that women can't handle work and career and do both well and that men have an easier life without all of these complicating issues. And that _pisses her off_. Worse, you're being all nice and accommodating about it, which means that she _knows_ she's being somewhat unreasonable or at least unpredictable during a particularly sensitive time in your lives, and despite the fact that you're a wonderful husband and father that pisses her off because it makes her feel like she can't handle her s*it.

And while she's staring into the abyss of her own womanhood, terrified of ALL potential outcomes, you actually want to consider SEX -- which just _pisses her off_ because it has nothing to do with the essential issue, she's so torqued up she can't think straight which makes sex really the LAST thing on her mind, even though it makes her feel better. Your insistence on even _discussing_ it when she's clearly in a tailspin of a mental and emotional crisis is just a _prima facia_ example of how, despite the fact that everyone in your lives has always seen you as the perfect husband and father, it proves that _you just don't get her_, and therefore she can discount your opinions on everything else. In fact, the fact that everyone in your lives thinks you do a great job, and that you are great together, that very perception of the perfect little professional family life _pisses her off _because it's so at odds with how she _feels_. 

And now you're skulking around the house on tip-toe, "giving her her space", being _terribly_ accommodating about her emotional issues which makes her feel like even _more _of a heinous b!tch, and that's yet _another_ reason to resent you. Meanwhile, she's focusing more and more on why _you're_ the problem instead of dealing with her own crap because, let's face it, projecting is a lot easier than dealing, and she's pretty pissed off right now, anyway.


So . . . if you tiptoe around the house, expect the silent treatment, monosyllabic conversations, frustrated eye-rolls, etc. And no sex for a while. And then longer. And then maybe some guilt sex, but that just makes her feel bad and makes you feel pathetic, so why bother? 

Dude, it can go on and on. You have to be willing to grab hold of the situation as soon as she starts being unreasonable. If she needs a few days or weeks, give it to her -- but hold her to account about making up her mind, and then stick with it. Don't let her keep equivocating about this, or she'll find some darn good reason why you just aren't making her happy. Sure, it's going to be uncomfortable, it's going to cause friction, you WILL fight. That's not a bad thing. 

In the short run, lower the temperature, lick your wounds in the Man Cave, and regroup. But in the long run, if you keep your cool, you give her what she _needs_ instead of what she _says she wants_. Then things normalize. 

At least that's the plan. A lot of things could happen, and nothing is certain. But hit MMSL and absorb . . . everything.

May the Force be with you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

FunBobby said:


> To summarize, we are both professionals, both attorneys, with very busy, very hectic schedules. She's also reached a point where she doesn't want to work anymore -- and wants me to earn more money so she can quit - which is fine with me, but I said give me about five years. We're not there yet. In my assessment the root of most of her stress is her work, but she is not in a position to quit and frankly, she doesn't want to go through the hassle of finding a new job, even though I've promised to do what I can to help.


A career-track woman, who doesn't want to be, who is also trying to also be a mom of a 2 year old, will not feel sexual toward her husband. No way, no how. She's not going to become sexual for a promise that her life will be what she wants in 5 years. You have to choose the money or the sex.

I totally disagree that this is a fitness test. She has a reasonable expectation for a happy life. YOU MUST DELIVER THIS TO HER before asserting your needs in the marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

2 year olds suck big time. They are truly evil in their selfishness. Get a job, kid, applesauce doesn't grow on trees......well, it does actually but that's not the point.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> I second that. Big-time. Except for the "lusting after other men" -- some of that is perfectly natural and healthy. It's when it becomes obsession that it's a problem.


If you're flipping channels and you stop when your wife squeals because Brad Pitt is on the screen, then that's fine. If you're walking down the street pointing out good looking men to your wife because you're so sure that she would never, ever choose another man over you, then that's not fine. By pointing out other attractive men, you actually become slightly less attractive to your wife. It's a display of low value. When your wife is showing decreased attraction to you, the last thing you want to do is lower your standing in her eyes.


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## FunBobby (Oct 3, 2011)

Thank you all for each of your comments and thoughts. I will take them all under consideration.

My slight backing away and letting her know I'm disappointed seems to be working, she's recalibrated over the past two days and has been making an effort to be close to me. She basically gets wrapped up in all our priorities and gets lost in them every so often.

Over the past two nights, she's made a clear effort to spend time together and enjoy whatever we do; and yesterday, she initiated sex and was very concerned and passionate. It may - hopefully - have just been time to have one of those talks that prompt some sort of "correction" and she is good.

I'm still going to see how things normalize, but for now, things to be clicking properly again. She can be moody, and she can be down, and those are factors as to why she may have said the hurtful things, but she is a great woman and loves me dearly, as I do her.

Hopefully, this is moving in the right way, but I'll keep you all posted.

Thanks again for everything said so far.

Cheers,
Nico


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

FunBobby said:


> Thank you all for each of your comments and thoughts. I will take them all under consideration.
> 
> My slight backing away and letting her know I'm disappointed seems to be working, she's recalibrated over the past two days and has been making an effort to be close to me. She basically gets wrapped up in all our priorities and gets lost in them every so often.
> 
> ...


That's not unusual. Nor unexpected. But don't let your guard down, and if she starts doing this stuff again, get her re-focused quickly and resolutely. You might be super-dad and super-hubby, but that doesn't mean you're a doormat. 

In the mean time, enjoy the re-calibrated wife and remember that tit-for-tat is always a good strategy. Show her an unexpected and unsolicited kindness (I'd say flowers, but that's kind of a rip-off . . . and candy works better.) But do something that says that you appreciate her understanding your perspective, you love her, love your family, etc. And then say it, too. 

Or write her love poetry praising her for her many virtues. That's real cheap. But remind her why she re-calibrated and certainly don't make her regret it.


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