# Could Use Some Advice



## Homesick7 (Nov 18, 2014)

So I will start with some backstory as to how my husband and I met and then the current issues I am having. 

My husband and I met online, I was really young at the time, probably 17 or so and he was 22 or 23. We talked off and on over the years, sometimes going a year without hearing from him. Nothing was ever serious. He lived in Canada and I lived in Texas. 

After a while with not hearing from him, I get a random text from him and we start talking again. Things got a little more serious and there was talk of me going to visit him. He bought me a plane ticket to Canada and I came to visit for 4 days. That spring he came to Texas for a couple weeks and then next thing I know, we are talking about moving me here and getting married. I moved here in April 2007 and we got married in May. 

Now moving on to present day, married for 7 years and have 2 young kids. We have had our issues and fights and its alway over the same things. He is a very harsh and abrasive person and seems to have no filter when talking to people. He has made numerous comments about me being from the south and being stupid, etc etc. He always jokes about getting a divorce, or how having a family vs having a ferrari. He has even made comments in front of family and friends when we are out and has made me feel like people are judging me and wondering if I am an idiot for dealing with his crap. He has even made a comment about how my family wouldn't want me back if I didn't bring the kids. I mean joking or not, everything he has said hurts. Comments about my weight, my family, where I am from, everything has just built up over the years. I have said that I don't like things he says and I usually just get that he is joking or that I am to sensitive. 

We have had numerous arguments over the years about this and they are usually pretty bad, cause he is almost impossible to talk to so I just keep everything bottled up until I can't take it anymore. 

This is weekend we had another big blowout and I started to question my marriage, and not knowing if I wanted to be here anymore. He kept saying that I was dwelling on the past etc. But everything he has said in the past, it hurts and I am not sure if I can just let this stuff go. 

The fact that I have no support system here since all my family and friends are back in Texas and I am terribly homesick all the time does not help the situation at all. I feel trapped and isolated.

I have a plane ticket booked to head to Texas here in a few weeks to step away from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. But what if it doesn't help? What if I still resent him for everything he's said in the past? He keeps bringing it up that he has never cheated or is abusive and that I don't have it so bad here. Well I have no friends, no family, and no matter how "well" I have it here, I am not happy. I am not sure if I will ever be 100% happy here. And having no self esteem and feeling like I'm not myself anymore, does not help. I feel like maybe if we lived together longer before getting married or spent more time together, that we probably wouldn't have gotten married. Maybe I was just trying to escape the small town I lived in and was looking for something different. 

I am just not sure what to do anymore.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

I am in t same boat. I moved to states from N.Europe, we didn't really live together much before getting married either. 

The difference is we don't have kids, probably because I secretly am afraid being trapped if we did. 

MY H also has no filter and says crazy stuff when frustrated, to me, to service people. He has no empathy when it comes to social interactions. 

He is 90% wonderful but the 10% bad is really bad. 

I have considered moving back home but I also realize all the hard work we have put into our lives here and I don't want to just leave it. 

No one can really help you make the decision, you are doing the right thing taking vacation and distancing yourself from the situation, clearing your mind. 

I always thought, when it is bad that I can't take it anymore, I will know it, and you will too. There are those amazing things about him that made you marry him, as long as there is more good than bad, it is worth staying. How would he feel about marriage counselling? MY H is oppose anything like that so we have to solve our problems at home. 

One thing I realized when I went home was that we idealize our past. You will get certain reality check when you go home, I bet you have forgotten the bad things about your home town. 

Another thing, you shouldn't hold him responsible for your happiness, only you can make yourself happy. Only you can make friends. I stopped blaming my H, I was the one who decided to move here, so it is my responsibility to make it work, I picked up group running, working out really made me feel so much better. 

I am working on my self and hopefully that will make it easier to work on our marriage in the future. 

Good luck


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## Homesick7 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thanks for the reply! 

My biggest issue is that he doesn't say these things out of frustration or anything like that. We could be having a conversation and I will mention how I should make muffins or something like that and he will say "You look like a muffin". Its just things like that that really bug me. With this big blowup this weekend, he would say stuff like "I hope you sleep with someone will your down there so you realize how good you have it here" or "I am not sure how I will feel when you are ready to come back" I finally just gave up and played nice and will continue to do so until I get back home and have time to think. 

Its just I think him and I are so different in so many ways that it has just worn on me and I can't deal anymore. He is a control freak and it drives me crazy. I have tried making friends and hanging out with other couples, but he always finds something he doesn't like about someone and thats the end of it. 

I guess I am just frustrated and don't know how much more I can take...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Homesick7 said:


> Thanks for the reply!
> 
> My biggest issue is that he doesn't say these things out of frustration or anything like that. We could be having a conversation and I will mention how I should make muffins or something like that and he will say "You look like a muffin". Its just things like that that really bug me. With this big blowup this weekend, he would say stuff like "I hope you sleep with someone will your down there so you realize how good you have it here" or "I am not sure how I will feel when you are ready to come back" I finally just gave up and played nice and will continue to do so until I get back home and have time to think.
> 
> ...


Im not usually a big advocate of leaving, but it sounds like he constantly picks at you and you two arent as compatible as you thought.
The good thing is he isnt outwardly abusive and he is young enough that he could still change for the better. Thats not going to happen without some leverage though.
You may have to hit him with divorce papers to wake him up that his behavior is not acceptable.
By any chance does he have impulse control problems?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Constant put-downs, belittling you, isolating you from everyone and robbing you of your self-esteem IS abuse,, and he IS controlling you.


He might not be smacking you about, but it's having the same effect.

The only good news is that you've half figured it out and you're pìssed off about it. You need to get out while you still have some guts to trust. You've tried being more assertive and he dismisses you.

I would say stay in Texas when you get there - or any other State or Province he's not in - but you have kids to worry about.

Maybe somebody else can help you with US/Can custody info.

Preferably leave. If you can't, at least see how he behaves during a trial seperation. Vindictively, I'll bet.

He's an àss. You'll be much happier without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Are you taking your kids with you when you go to Texas? Or will they be staying with him?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He sounds vain, and sees no issues within himself. He keeps picking at your faults, and the faults of others. Because he is well off, he feels entitled to treat you however he pleases. Does he view himself as superior?.

When you are in Texas, go Cowboys, notice the emotional difference being with him and without him. Best way to see any picture clearly is from a neutral position. Emotions can make things seem worse or bettr than they appear. But I think he is an abusive, narcissistic a$$hole. This is of course judging from your words. Look at the patterns of behavior, and really analyze. You never really knew him well enough before marriage.


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## Homesick7 (Nov 18, 2014)

I will be the only one heading to Texas, my kids will be staying here for the time being. It is a one way ticket and I don't think he expected me to actually buy it. I am gonna miss my kids with every inch of me, but I need to get away from this for a bit to get my head straight. 

He seems to have an excuse for everything he has ever said. He NOW admits he was wrong and that he shouldn't have said that stuff, but the damage has been done. He said he shouldn't have picked at me about my weight, but he wants me to be healthy. What about when he called me Shamu while pregnant, that isn't wanting me to be healthy. His dad is the same way, not quite as bad, but he is very blunt and harsh. 

And like I said, during the big argument he said a lot of stuff and now that I decided to play nice for now, he acts like he didn't say any of it. Like am I just supposed to forget about it? 

I am hoping there is someone who can give some insight into the Canada/US custody


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I had a husband who did this as well...the nit picking, criticizing, insulting under the guise of a "joke"...Notice I said HAD....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to talk to a real lawyer about that, as a lot may depend on your specific situation. The odds you'll be able to pick up the kids and move them without his permission is pretty slim, though. IMHO. So do you think he'd give you permission? 

C


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## Homesick7 (Nov 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> You need to talk to a real lawyer about that, as a lot may depend on your specific situation. The odds you'll be able to pick up the kids and move them without his permission is pretty slim, though. IMHO. So do you think he'd give you permission?
> 
> C


He wouldn't give me permission. He won't even let me take them on a trip by myself to Texas.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Then I would guess the odds you'll be able to move south with them post-divorce, but you should talk to a lawyer. 

How old are the kids? 

C


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## dazed_&_confused (Nov 19, 2014)

You need to discuss this with an attorney. In a lot of international cases the children are NOT allowed passports.

This has been a HUGE issue in Europe where people move back and forth, get married and then divorce.

You should speak to someone asap to see what kind of a divorce you could be looking at. It is extremely difficult to move with kids, even if they are just going across state lines! This is SUPER expensive... you may have to live in Canada and share custody or get legal custody but not be allowed to take the children out of the country unless you have permission from the court (has to be return flight etc...)
You will always be looked as someone who can potentially "kidnap" the children (sadly)
Talk to an attorney and figure out the worst case scenario


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I had a husband who did this as well...the nit picking, criticizing, insulting under the guise of a "joke"...Notice I said HAD....


WTG, 3X!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xwn203 (Nov 19, 2014)

Homesick7 said:


> Its just things like that that really bug me. With this big blowup this weekend, he would say stuff like "I hope you sleep with someone will your down there so you realize how good you have it here" or "I am not sure how I will feel when you are ready to come back"


Sounds to me like he is really worried about the future of your relationship, but a terrible communicator, and really deflective and awkward. Would he go to counselling?


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## Homesick7 (Nov 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> Then I would guess the odds you'll be able to move south with them post-divorce, but you should talk to a lawyer.
> 
> How old are the kids?
> 
> C


The kids are 4 and 6. 

I just think he lacks compassion. He is currently out of town and I got sick and have been dealing with sicks kids all this week. I also deal with some anxiety issues. Last night I was tired and felt horrible and because of that my anxiety had been acting up. I mentioned about my anxiety and he asked "Why are you mental". I said I am not mental and so he asked what my issue was and I why I have anxiety etc etc.

This is the crap I have to deal with.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Homesick7 said:


> He keeps bringing it up that he has never cheated or is abusive


Don't be so sure of that.



> Maybe it's a nearly imperceptible eye roll or a look of disgust intended for only you to see. Perhaps he needles you about falling short in the kitchen or the bedroom or your attempts at humor. And let's say he raises his voice at you often enough that you can never be sure how he'll react, so you try to get everything right to keep him happy.
> 
> Meanwhile, you've become a nervous wreck – and you know it. So you summon your courage and address the situation: "You know, I don't like how you talk to me," you tell him, pushing yourself to voice your suspicion. "It's almost like ... verbal abuse."
> 
> ...


The Telltale Signs of Verbal Abuse - US News


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## Homesick7 (Nov 18, 2014)

Wow, thank you for posting that. For the most part, most of that is true. Except mine will make comments in front of people and doesn't care. "Im from the south and not intelligent" "Im only here for the healthcare" stuff like that has been said in front of friends. 

Ive never known or talked to any of his exes but he has made comments about how his exes went crazy or "psycho" after dating him for a while. 

I do find myself nervous, like if I don't get the house clean or don't do something a certain way, stuff will be said. 

How do you prove any of this though? Some of my family has been here and has heard his comments and that is a big reason I am going to Texas is so that I have some support. 

I pretty much have no self esteem left because of him. Being called fat all the time has really taken a toll. My oldest daughter even made the comment around my birthday that "Mom should exercise and lose weight for her birthday"…kids shouldn't say that to their mom and I know exactly where she gets it from. Also getting "ugh" or "gross" when I am walking around in my bra and underwear getting ready for bed. Ok, now I am rambling again. Getting to texas and getting support behind me is what I really need to right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't have to prove anything. All you have to do is know what you deserve.

NO woman should be married to a man who says "Ugh, gross" to his wife.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Homesick7 said:


> I have a plane ticket booked to head to Texas here in a few weeks to step away from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. But what if it doesn't help? What if I still resent him for everything he's said in the past?


Your objective shouldn't be just to get away temporarily. Your objective should be to get away....permanently. As for still resenting him, it takes a time, and you will still resent him. It takes therapy, and you will still resent him. The purpose of taking time and getting counseling is to help you heal and help you learn to love yourself again after he has torn you down so badly for so long. You have to build your self esteem back up and your confidence. You likely will never stop resenting him, but you will learn the things he said were not true. You will learn he said those things just for the sole purpose of tearing you down. You will learn not to rely on the opinions and statements of those who tear you down instead of being supportive.



Homesick7 said:


> He keeps bringing it up that he has never cheated or is abusive and that I don't have it so bad here. Well I have no friends, no family, and no matter how "well" I have it here, I am not happy. I am not sure if I will ever be 100% happy here. And having no self esteem and feeling like I'm not myself anymore, does not help.


You don't base your decision on what he says. After all, the things he says are the reason you want to get away. He verbally pummels you, he gaslights you ("I was just joking" and "you're too sensitive"), and now he's trying to make you think you should appreciate him for that.

Aside from that, what he DOESN'T do doesn't matter, so it makes no sense for him to try to convince you to be grateful for the things he DOESN'T do. The only thing that matters is he makes you sad, miserable, and unhappy. The only thing that matters is you don't like it.

When you get home, stay home.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Homesick7 said:


> Wow, thank you for posting that. For the most part, most of that is true. Except mine will make comments in front of people and doesn't care. "I'm from the south and not intelligent" "I'm only here for the healthcare" stuff like that has been said in front of friends.


Well, if you DO go back to him after your trip, here is one thing you CAN do. He says those things in front of friends BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT. You allowing it makes HIM look great and you look stupid (in his mind).

So stop allowing it. The next time you go around friends (or anyone, for that matter), keep a $20 bill in your pocket and if he starts it up again, don't say a word, give him 'the look,' get up, walk out the door, and call a taxi, and go home. Lock the door. Make him have to unlock it to get in. Make a point. 

It's the only way he will learn to stop. By facing a consequence that matters to HIM - his reputation. Abusers are notorious for looking amazing in front of other people and saving the abuse for behind closed doors. He's already one step beyond that. If you stay with him, it's imperative that you get this straight. 

There was a woman on another thread who had let it get so bad that her husband would load her and their kids up in the car, drive them to where his OW was, at parties and such, and make them sit on the side and watch while he hit on his OW and wined and dined her. And the worse it got, the more he loved it. I kid you not. She was SO beaten down she couldn't say no. Don't let it get that far.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My son’s father said things like that to me and worse. He would also do a lot of yelling that whatever I did was wrong. For example, if I cleaned the kitchen, I should have cleaned the bedroom. If I cooked food with a sauce, sauce was bad. If I cooked food without a sauce, I should have a made a sauce for the food. It was maddening and very abusive.

Then I realized something. This was about him, not about me. When he was saying those things, he did it because he did not like himself, he’d had a bad day, etc. After that realization I did not let his nonsense get to me. When he said something mean/rude I’d just look at him and say something like “so you’re having a bad day? You need someone to pick on?” and I’d walk way. 

In the situation about him complaining about cooking with/without sauce and my cooking all together, it got to the point where he threw his plate with the food cross the dinner table at me. I stood up, told him that I would never cook for him again. It was 5 years before I so much as made a piece of toast for him. And you know what? When I started cooking again, he thanked me and complemented my cooking EVERY TIME. 

Your husband says and does those things because he’s getting the reaction out of you he wants. Abusers abuse their spouse to control them. It’s pretty easy to control a person who has been beaten down. That’s what he’s doing. Stop giving him that power. Stop allowing yourself to be beat down.

We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that it’s ok to treat you this way.

I agree with the idea of you leaving when he says something rude in front of friends/family. But I would say something in front of the others before leaving. “You are rude and abusive. I’ve asked you to stop that.” Or “I may be from Texas, but I’m not rude and abusive like you.” Or just say “Stop! Now! I don’t want to be with someone who talks to me that way.” And then leave with your children. Do not every leave your children behind when this happens.

The fact that friends and his family members don’t call him down for talking to you like that is pretty disturbing. So let them know that you are done with his crap.

Come up with some good comebacks that embarrass him in front of those he is putting you down in front of. What I did was to stand in front of a mirror and practice the come backs. I would imagine him saying something rude or attacking me in anger. And then I’d say “Stop” out loud to the mirror. I did this until the come-back was automatic. 

It worked. He learned that I would not put up with his crap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you leave him, what are you going to do to support yourself? You need to find a job. If you need education/training then look into that. 

Do some internet searches and talk to some lawyers in Canada to find out what your rights are for alimony, child support and help to get on your feet.

Even if you do not leave him, just knowing your rights can give you great strength.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

What a jerk. Of course he doesn't have anxiety- he doesn't have a partner as uncaring as him! I would see how you can leave with your kids- pre or post divorce. I would not leave your kids with him-he will use it as leverage and it will be seen as such in custody matters. I guess cruelty can come from anywhere- even Canada!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scatty said:


> What a jerk. Of course he doesn't have anxiety- he doesn't have a partner as uncaring as him! I would see how you can leave with your kids- pre or post divorce. I would not leave your kids with him-he will use it as leverage and it will be seen as such in custody matters.  I guess cruelty can come from anywhere- even Canada!


This worries me with you going to Texas without your children. What is your immigration status in Canada? Can he do anything to prevent you from getting back in?

You bought a one way ticket. He can use that as proof that you have abandoned him and the children, go to court and ask for full custody while you are gone.

I think you need to see an attorney in Canada before you take this trip.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I thought you were taking the kids with you?


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## Homesick7 (Nov 18, 2014)

Ok, sorry I have been MIA, I have been dealing with more of his crap and haven't had a chance to jump back on here. 

It got to the point where he went through my phone twice to read text messages between me and a friend. I called him out on it when I caught him the second time. He said he needed to do it for clarity and answers because I wasn't giving him any. All I keep saying is "I don't know" and its driving him crazy. 

I have been talking to my mom and she says she feels bad because she has seen this going on for so many years and felt it wasn't her right to step in so she had to wait for me to figure it out on my own. My mom and dad don't like to visit cause and I quote my mom "they don't like seeing their daughter get browbeaten" and not be able to do anything about it. 

We have gone back and forth so much lately and all he is doing is pissing me off and pushing me farther away. He can't accept the fact that he messed up and hurt me and that I need to step away from the situation to figure stuff out and there might be a chance that I don't want to stay married to him. 

Ive done some research and I've told him this and he told me he has researched on how to deny me access back into Canada (which he can't) and if my permanent residency could be stripped (it can't, at least not easily) He is just trying to scare me but he keeps throwing stuff in my face that I've done research etc when he's done the exact same thing. Im sick of the hypocritical bullcrap. 

Im sick of the mind games. Im sick of him saying stuff like what he's researched or whatever and then a few minutes later he acts like everything is fine, he wants to have idle chit chat. Ive told him numerous times that I need time and space to think and to leave me alone about stuff and he just can't do it. 

Like the other night, I was texting a friend upstairs in our room and he came up and was like "You can go to texas and stay there, I don't care anymore, you can come back here and say you want a divorce, i don't care anymore, and you can move into the kids room for the rest of time you are here, I don't care" So I went a stayed in my daughters room and several times during the night he came in and was like, why aren't you coming to bed with me. Are you really sleeping in here all night? What if I ask you to come to bed with me? Its like UGH just leave me alone. 

He can't get me for abandoning the kids cause here in Canada, abandonment is considered when you leave your kids in a neglectful or hurtful environment. 

Im just so frustrated and fed up. He's been nice this past week or so but I still have my doubts that he can change permanently. And he keeps saying, well I've been nice and I'm like its been a week….


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Homesick, I know you're not dumb. But you're sure acting like it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Record him, and make copies. Send them to your family. Show people the way he treats you. Get proof that he is an emotionally abusive person. Don't engage, and stay calm, cool. collective. Wear a mask in front of him. If he does seek help, play the conversations to a counselor, and show him as the abusive a$$hole that he is. His moments of sweetness is to keep you trap in his web. Girl, it is time to play smart.


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## Homesick7 (Nov 18, 2014)

Well we finally sat down and had a civilized conversation the other night and pretty much decided that things between us aren't going to work so we are going to separate. 

Im not gonna drag my kids through court or fight with him about custody while we are just separated so I will be leaving them here and I can come visit as I please and he will bring them down to visit. If we get to a divorce, than we will go to court and hash out custody. 

He's been very nice about it all, has given me some money, paid out my phone contract and got my phone unlocked so I can use it down there. We are writing up an agreement about the kids etc so we can't screw each other over and if we do, then we go to court.

It feels like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Homesick7 said:


> Well we finally sat down and had a civilized conversation the other night and pretty much decided that things between us aren't going to work so we are going to separate.
> 
> Im not gonna drag my kids through court or fight with him about custody while we are just separated so I will be leaving them here and I can come visit as I please and he will bring them down to visit. If we get to a divorce, than we will go to court and hash out custody.
> 
> ...


You need to talk to a lawyer about this plan. 

You are going to leave the kids with him, and he's let you come visit as you please and bring the kids to visit you?

You are going to lose custody of your kids if you do this. You are leaving them in his care and now you become the visiting parent. 

Of course he's all calm and ok.. you just agreed to give him custody.

Have you even looked into what you can do to say in Canada and have custody of your children?


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

It sounds like he is playing you. Get a lawyer-borrow money from your parents or whoever if you can't afford one. You cannot rely on information from the Internet when it comes to losing custody of your children. Decisions made in a divorce are binding, and you don't want to be thinking that because he seems calm or better that this will transfer to a good outcome for you. He sounds very manipulative and mean spirited and I wouldn't be surprised if he is purposely making you think everything is going to be ok, until he pulls the rug out from under you. Get legal council, and don't leave your kids and go to Texas with a one way ticket!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JWTBL said:


> It sounds like he is playing you. Get a lawyer-borrow money from your parents or whoever if you can't afford one. You cannot rely on information from the Internet when it comes to losing custody of your children. Decisions made in a divorce are binding, and you don't want to be thinking that because he seems calm or better that this will transfer to a good outcome for you. He sounds very manipulative and mean spirited and I wouldn't be surprised if he is purposely making you think everything is going to be ok, until he pulls the rug out from under you. Get legal council, and don't leave your kids and go to Texas with a one way ticket!


:iagree:


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