# Wife hates my gray hair



## Prospero (May 17, 2012)

63 years old, wife a few months younger, happily married 13 years, lots of shared interests, good sex life, both attractive (I think) and well groomed.

My hair is turning gray rapidly - still some pepper, but mostly salt/gray. But I have a full head of hair, and it is strong and thick, and well cared for.

My wife wants me to color it to cover the gray. I do not want to do so. I have done so in the past, it did not work well, and caused some problems. She has now resorted to insults to try to get me to do this - "you are not the man I married", "you look like your brother" (this is an insult) and moral blackmail "if you cared about me you would do it". 

When she behaves like this we have a major row. I hate rows, they leave me feeling shaken, but I will not be steamrollered. The situation is starting to make me unhappy. I have never posted a request for relationship advice before.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to accept me as I really am?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Nope, not at all! It's your hair, do what you want with it! 

BTW, I love salt N pepper hair. It's very sexy! My hubs has dark hair, but has some gray coming in. It's very distinguished looking!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

your wife seems to think that it reflects poorly on HER to be married to a man who appears older than she prefers.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Isn't her hair grey???

I think it's extremely insulting for one spouse to tell the other how they should look to please them. You can express an opinion (probably not a good idea to unless it's solicited), such as you look really good in blue, you should get more blue clothes, but to insult, berate and blackmail them? NOT ok, at ALL.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

shave it bald and ask how she likes it now


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

This isn't about your hair, it's about your wife's attitude.

For her to speak to you that way indicates complete lack of respect.

As far as your actual question which is really not the issue here, you can either do as you please or accept that you're in a relationship and your partners feelings have some weight.

Maybe try that touch of grey stuff, you can apply it in stages over time, and make gradual changes. It's really easy to use, just comb it through your hair as you squeeze the tube, let it set, jump in the shower to rinse off the excess and you're done.

I did that because a previous girlfriend asked me too, and now my present girlfriend says she likes the gray so I let it be. 

I personally liked having less grey but why go through the effort if my gf is ok with me as I am.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Your wife sounds like she's stooping to some pretty low blows, and over your hair of all things...

Is she like this in other arenas of your life together? Is this perhaps ancillary to a bigger issue in your life?

It's your hair. Dye it, don't dye it. Shave it, wear a mohawk, grow it down to your belt. 

I prefer my wife to have long hair, but I wouldn't dream of berating her for having it short.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

an alternative is to bring home all sorts of outrageous outfits for her and state that you will color your hair if she wears the clown or bear costume out in public


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The problem with your marriage/wife goes several shades deeper than your hair. People age, she needs to deal with that. She is controlling and immature in my opinion. Your hair, keep it the way you like.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

She is allowed to have her preferences but she is being shallow and also hurting your marriage by hurling insults towards you. I mean she married you because of the whole package, and greying is part of life... What if you were balding would she be demanding you make it grow back?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

She's trying to vicariously hold onto her youth by keeping you looking young - even if it's not what you want. People trying to live vicariously (think obnoxious kids sports parents) can be obsessed and totally lose perspective. 

Don't engage her emotionally - you can't win. When she tries to manipulate you just don't react or if you do say, "well I believe if you really cared for me you would give some consideration to how I feel -especially since it's my body" and leave it at that - again NO EMOTION. 

Emotion is her weapon - she knows she can out drama you and she thinks eventually you'll cave. Your only defense is to take away her weapon - don't give her your emotional reaction to beat you with.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm in agreement with *Dean*.

My husband isn't a fan of extremely short hair on women. Knowing his preference, I don't get haircuts that are extremely short. Getting a haircut he likes isn't a big deal to me. Neither is hair color. If everything else in the marriage is going well, I don't see the problem with accomodating my spouse's preference on an issue like haircut or haircolor. 

Is hair color the hill you want to die on?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It's true it's your body and you are in your rights to keep your appearance the way you want.

However if my wife requested I change my look in a trivial thing like hair color I'd do it just to make her happy.

However I'd go to my grave with platinum hair if my wife approached the subject the way your wife does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I don't disagree with Dean, but like Tacoma I think it depends on the approach. With the proper amount of sweet talk and eye-batting, I'd probably wear my hair any way she wanted. But I wouldn't be berated and insulted into anything. My back would be up and I'd get contrary in a hurry.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> I guess if your wife didn't want to wear makeup, be in sweats and a T shirt all day you would be ok with that?


I do this sometimes. Actually I never wear make up. I also don't shave my pits as often as maybe I should. Not because I'm lazy but because I get ingrown hairs, and make up has some nasty chemicals in it I don't want on me. And sweats are WAY more comfortable than jeans or dress shirts or stuff. Actually, I would wear the pareo I got in Kaua'i ALL the time if I could. Hubby likes that tho 

Anyway, my point is that I am well aware my hubby would prefer I didn't wear Tshirts and sweats, but he also knows if I'm relaxing I like to be comfy. He certainly doesn't berate me and insult me about it. I make sure I look nice when we go out, I stay in my work clothes till he gets home so I am greeting him with a kiss and not in my PJ pants, and I dress the way I know he likes at least once a week just to be with him and for no other reason.

The issue here isn't his grey hair, it's her total lack of respect.

Wanting to look nice for your spouse comes naturally when you know your spouse loves, respects and cherishes you. His wife obviously doesn't.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tacoma said:


> However I'd go to my grave with platinum hair if my wife approached the subject the way your wife does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

There's a big difference between asking your spouse to do something because they prefer it that way and and acting in this manner.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Just a guess, but I am thinking she started out asking politely.

Not good that she started getting disrespectful about it, but I agree that it is really a small thing to ask for.

My hair is getting quite grey. My wife hasn't asked me to dye it. I think I would feel awkward out and about with people that know me and all of a sudden I have dark hair again. Again though, if it made my wife happy, I would probably do it. If anyone asked about it, I would proudly say I did it for my wife.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

OP said he has tried coloring his hair, and it caused some problems. He could be allergic to hair dye, and if so, his wife is being unreasonable asking him to endure this. He has tried to please her, and he didn't like the result, so he should wear his hair as he likes.

If he were in his 40's, I could see her request being a plea for him to look his age, but at 63 it is unfair to expect him to not have grey hair.

He said his hair is well cared for, so it is not a grooming issue. As others have said, using insults and sarcasm is not a loving way to ask your spouse to make a change for you. I would tell the wife that this matter is no longer a topic for discussion.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to call her out but your wife is being a b!tch. Especially since she's insulting you in the process. It's just hair. Who gives a rat's bottom if you don't want to dye it? It's your hair. It's not like you're abusing her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think OP is bragging that he has hair at age 62


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Just a guess, but I am thinking she started out asking politely.
> 
> Not good that she started getting disrespectful about it, but I agree that it is really a small thing to ask for.
> 
> My hair is getting quite grey. My wife hasn't asked me to dye it. I think I would feel awkward out and about with people that know me and all of a sudden I have dark hair again. Again though, if it made my wife happy, I would probably do it. If anyone asked about it, I would proudly say I did it for my wife.


That's what I thought. We're hearing only his side of things (obviously). We don't know how she asked him and what his response was. I don't think she should be disrespectful. Her request is in the grand scheme of things a minor request.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Salt/pepper hair at 63 is not unheard of


:scratchhead:

Hell, I was salt n' pepper in my twenties and completely white before I hit 40. I blame global warming, the Iran/Contra scandal and ABC's cancellation of "Joanie Loves Chachi" as the culprits.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> an alternative is to bring home all sorts of outrageous outfits for her and state that you will color your hair if she wears the clown or bear costume out in public


No to the clown, yes to the bear.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Scarlet and purple fauxhawk then.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

I agree with those who see this as a respect issue. My wife has had an issue with my body over the past few years. She used to like it, but now sees it as a problem that shows I'm getting older, so of course she is also. I've decided to work out more for health reasons, but that doesn't absolve her of responsibility for her insults and her EA. A lack of respect usually manifests in pretty ugly ways when the other spouse is feeling insecure about themselves at some level, whether they're technically right about something or not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think it's totally wrong of her to be saying "You're not the man I married" cause you have grey hair now. Tell her she's not the woman you married either. We can't all stay young forever.

The things she said...it just comes off as harsh/mean


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Does she still look like the woman you married all those years ago? 

It's not about hair dye, it's about her disgusting approach. Berating you over a hair color is ridiculous. I'm sure the honey approach would have gone a long way to getting what she wants.

Tell her the minute she walks through the door looking 30 again will be the day you give into her selfish tirade.


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## Prospero (May 17, 2012)

Wow, so many comments, thanks to all of you for taking the time. I do not have time to respond to each comment, but:

I think spouses have a duty to look good for one another. But there is a difference between not wearing slobby clothes and covering your hair with chemicals to make it look unnatural.

My previous experience of hair coloring resulted in a weird color which she did not warn me about. Strangers and colleagues alerted me to this. I am not happy about this.

I could go to an expensive colorist every four weeks, with home based top-ups in between (gray roots are so attractive on a man, don't you think?), but it still would not look right. It is a fact that hair coloring is acceptable, indeed admired, on a woman, on a man it so often seems to be a sad attempt to recapture youth. Just the way life is.

Really, I want her to like me for what I am (this does not give me permission to become fat and slobby), not want me to cover up nature with chemicals.

Interestingly, after the latest row she has been very nice to me. This is consistent with previous rows. She does not like a doormat.

Dean, thank you for your comments. But why do you think I was once married. Anything else you feel you know about my history?

Thanks again to everyone for your comments, all of which I have taken to heart.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

But Dean, if your wife communicated with you the way his wife communicates with him, you wouldn't WANT to do that. Or anything else she wanted you to, for that matter.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I think the whole salt and pepper/white hair is HOT on a man. I personally can't wait for Joe's hair to turn that way. I would also never tell him to color his hair. 

I colored my hair a dark brownish/red color once. Joe asked me to NEVER do that again.........lol I told him I wouldn't.


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## Prospero (May 17, 2012)

Dean, actually you are right about my history, so maybe you picked up on something subliminal in what I said!

My wife is being very sweet at the moment, so I shall sign off and work some more on the important things.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

this is not good at all why would your wife hate your grey hair? its natural that will occur

baffles my mind


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

I havent read the entire thread, but isnt your wife asking you to color your hair sort of like the husband requiring his wife to stay thin. ( I know thats not what this thread is about... but, it seems to be a recurring topic in the forum) 

If its ok to 'require' her to stay thin.... shouldnt it be ok for her to 'require' him to color his hair? 

just asking....


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## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> this is not good at all why would your wife hate your grey hair? its natural that will occur
> 
> baffles my mind


Women want a youthful partner same as men. The only thing that is wrong is how she said it.


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## Prospero (May 17, 2012)

suesmith said:


> I havent read the entire thread, but isnt your wife asking you to color your hair sort of like the husband requiring his wife to stay thin. ( I know thats not what this thread is about... but, it seems to be a recurring topic in the forum)
> 
> If its ok to 'require' her to stay thin.... shouldnt it be ok for her to 'require' him to color his hair?
> 
> just asking....


Thanks for commenting. I don't think they are the same. One involves keeping the body in good health, and not letting things slip, the other involves faking.

A closer analogy might be the husband demanding the wife wears an uncomfortable girdle to hold her figure in.


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## Coaster (May 24, 2012)

You are 63...If you dye your hair you will look worse and even look like you have a tupee on...lol....Does your wife dye her hair or does she look like an old granny...lol??


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## Prospero (May 17, 2012)

Coaster, please do not speak about my wife in that discourteous way.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Prospero said:


> I think spouses have a duty to look good for one another. But there is a difference between not wearing slobby clothes and covering your hair with chemicals to make it look unnatural.
> 
> Yes Prospero, this would be my hang up with being requested to dye my hair, CHEMICALS, Yikes! I personally think grey looks quite distinguished & attractive on our male counterparts. I have been slowly going grey since my early 20's, my husband likes my long hair, so do I, I'm still not sure about my grey though but that's way it stays. I like to lead by example when it comes to my kids as well, we have always been fairly natural livers, with our youngest daughter in cancer remission the last thing I would encourage her to do is load her head up with chemicals time & time again when she comes of age, this approach seems to have been noted by our eldest daughter now in her 20's and doesn't dye her hair.
> I think stating this fact to your wife is a fair rebuttle to this issue.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

This issue may be a symptom of deeper issues with aging. Perhaps your grey hair is too obvious of a reminder about your mortality and the thought of losing you, or of her own mortality since you both are so close in age. Is this a topic you have discussed in detail? and without it being prompted by your hair?


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i saw this infomercial the other night and thought about this post... it was about a certain type of hair coloring to keep the salt and pepper thing.. but a little heavier on the pepper side. might be worth some research if you're still considering. 

i'd turn it into something positive if i were you... "i'll color my hair if you.... " i'm sure you'll think of something creative. see how badly she wants it 

but i'd do something small if my husband would be more attracted to me. shoo... i dont want him looking at someone else when he told me dead in my face that he'd think i was hotter if i did xyz. 

good luck!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Make her a deal. You BOTH dye your hair whatever color the other one wants. No bargaining.


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## Prospero (May 17, 2012)

Thanks, everyone, for your comments.


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