# Livingconfused



## Confusedinok80 (Oct 3, 2015)

I would like to start out saying that my H and I had a perfect relationship but we did not. We had problems. My story is bit messed up. We have been together on and off for 18 years. I believe he is my one true love but we are both strong tempered. So long story short we got married 6 years ago. 6 months later we separated. We got divorce papers all ready to go. We went on a cruise for one last try and decided to work it out. 3 months later some girl he slept with while separated was pregnant. After a longtime we decided to give it a try. So the girl pretty much said here you go have a kid so we did and survived. 

Now my baby girl will be 5 soon but my husband cheated. He is jerking me and my kid around with yes I want divorce no I don't I kicked him out he came back 5 days later. Saying he wanted to work it out. I said we can try but things ha e got to change. So 5 days after that I find out he had not stopped talking to the ow so I left. Now my daughter is my daughter and she knows she has another mother but rarely sees her. I have no legal rights except step mom. I am so confused. I love him and want him back but I won't allow cheating. He says he loves me but won't stop talking to this other woman. 

He is on a path to self destruction. He won't talk about anything g except our child. He accuses me of sleeping with someone now. He is pushing everyone away because of this girl. Who has more problems then just can count. His family is sick of his lies. I am sick of it all. 

I need real advice. I want my husband back and can't lose my daughter. He is jerking me around. Still wants to sleep with me and know where I am all the time. When I look at him I don't even know who this guy is. He said he's lost and confused and needs to find himself. 

I am in so much pain. 

Please advise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The first thing you need to do is to see a lawyer to find out how to secure your rights to be established as your stepdaughter's legal mother.

I have to tell you, if it was me, I'd play along with him long enough to get adoption papers in place. I'm not telling you that you have to do this. Just that I would. If there is one small chance in getting established as the legal mother of the baby I'd do it. It is profoundly affair to your daughter if she ends up losing the only mother she has ever had. This is especially true since it seems that her father is really not all that interested in her. Poor baby. Thank goodness she has you.

Is your little girl's birth mother still around? Does she know her mother at all? I do not know what your relationship is like with the baby's birth mother but I wonder if you could approach her and get her to agree to sign adoption papers. 

You say that you want your husband back. If there is any chance at all of getting him back I suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. If/when you read the book it talks about people who cheat often cheat because they are not getting their needs met in their martial relationship. I do not, of course, know anything about your marriage. So I don't know. But do want to point out that in some cases a person who cheats, does so for other reasons having more to do with the fact that they are broken and cannot commit to a relationship. With all the breakups you two have had, this sounds like it might be the case. So if it is, what has to be looked at is why is he cheating... either he is not getting most of his needs met in your marriage, then what is it? Was he raised to think that cheating is OK? Is he a narcissist who uses people as tools for his own pleasure and to make himself feel good? Is he an abuser who cheats to hurt you?

Until that is figured out AND he agrees to go into counseling and fix himself, there is no way that he will stop this horrible behavior. Make sure you are up to years of having to work with a very messed up man. It might be easier on you to just divorce him (after you have secured your legal standing with your daughter). 


I really feel for you. This is a terrible situation you and your daughter are in.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe you should stop being his doormat and letting him dictate everything. Sorry if that's harsh but you've allowed him to control everything. 

Kick HIM out and set your own terms. If he can't live up to them then divorce HIM. No guy respects a woman who lets him jerk her around and do whatever he wants but still sleeps with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confusedinok80 (Oct 3, 2015)

I will admit I have been letting him do whatever because I don't want to lose my child.


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## Confusedinok80 (Oct 3, 2015)

I will check k out this book. I think it's to late for us but I need my daughter to have her mother. Her real mother will not sign anything. She is crazy she does see her occasionally. That's the problem. I am so scared to lose my baby. Sadly he treats her well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Find a good lawyer and file for divorce. Be sure to mention your concerns w/ respect to your parental rights to your lawyer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confusedinok80 said:


> I will check k out this book. I think it's to late for us but I need my daughter to have her mother. Her real mother will not sign anything. She is crazy she does see her occasionally. That's the problem. I am so scared to lose my baby. Sadly he treats her well.


Do you mean that her husband treats his daughter well?

Now that he's off chasing women.. how often does he see his daughter?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confusedinok80 said:


> I will admit I have been letting him do whatever because I don't want to lose my child.


Ok... I get it.

But now use the time to get things ready to file for divorce. See an attorney and find out how to keep your daughter, if at all possible.

Put money aside if you can. 

Get busy with this. You can ignore him right now since it seems he's off doing his thing.

Also, do not have sex with him now. Go get checked for STDs.


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## Confusedinok80 (Oct 3, 2015)

My husband does treat his daughter well. He spends time with her and all that. He doesn't want to see that this is affecting her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The first thing you need to do is to see a lawyer to find out how to secure your rights to be established as your stepdaughter's legal mother.
> 
> I have to tell you, if it was me, I'd play along with him long enough to get adoption papers in place. I'm not telling you that you have to do this. Just that I would. If there is one small chance in getting established as the legal mother of the baby I'd do it. It is profoundly affair to your daughter if she ends up losing the only mother she has ever had. This is especially true since it seems that her father is really not all that interested in her. Poor baby. Thank goodness she has you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Adoption.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Confusedinok80 said:


> My husband does treat his daughter well. He spends time with her and all that. He doesn't want to see that this is affecting her.


Really? Is that what he wants? 

In the words of one of the leading sages of the latter part of the 20th century: _"Well I want toilet made out of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards now is it?"_


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

As a mother I completely understand. I would tollerate pretty much anything to protect my babies. You are in a truly horrible situation.

I don't think it's right but desperate times often call for desperate measures. I'd 'play nice', do whatever until I ensure my legal status with my child. This should be your priority. Make YOUR DAUGHTER legally yours in the eyes of the courts. Once this is removed from the equation I think you will be stronger to do what's right for your family. 

Many people talk about staying together for the kids regardless of the terrible role models they are being. Your daughter has more to emotionally process as she grows than most. I think a powerful, dedicated mother who fights for her AND then shows her how a strong woman should behave when disrespected & hurt by a person who vowed to love & cherish her....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tell him that either he hires a lawyer to sever the mother's parental rights so you can adopt or he's gone, then he can explain to his daughter why the mother she knows is no longer around. If he's that worried about it effecting her he won't want to have to explain this. The mother doesn't have to sign of her own accord, you can petition the court.

Then if you can get legal rights that way you can kick him out. All you are to him right now is a free babysitter and free sex when he wants it.

And for the love of all things do not have sex with this man. He's nasty and has probably been exposed to all kinds of STD's.....what good are you as a mother if you get something that can't be cured?


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## Confusedinok80 (Oct 3, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Confusedinok80 said:
> 
> 
> > My husband does treat his daughter well. He spends time with her and all that. He doesn't want to see that this is affecting her.
> ...


I don't know what he wants. I don't think he even knows. I just know I have to protect my daughter. I won't lose my daughter for his selfish needs


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## Confusedinok80 (Oct 3, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Tell him that either he hires a lawyer to sever the mother's parental rights so you can adopt or he's gone, then he can explain to his daughter why the mother she knows is no longer around. If he's that worried about it effecting her he won't want to have to explain this. The mother doesn't have to sign of her own accord, you can petition the court.
> 
> Then if you can get legal rights that way you can kick him out. All you are to him right now is a free babysitter and free sex when he wants it.
> 
> And for the love of all things do not have sex with this man. He's nasty and has probably been exposed to all kinds of STD's.....what good are you as a mother if you get something that can't be cured?


Thank you. I need to open my eyes. I need to get strong but I am a emotional mess right now.


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## Confusedinok80 (Oct 3, 2015)

I need to take my life back. I just don't know how. I am going to contact a lawyer Monday I guess. See what rights I have of any.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Go and see a lawyer! Please! I know what the insanity of betrayal does to our hearts, minds & souls, it's crippling, it truly is. Fall apart later. Just think of your child. That should be your top priority for now. Some lawyers offer a free consultation. You NEED to know what your legal options are. She is your daughter. I would DO ANYTHING to protect my children. Just paint a smile on your face & endure until you have her legally protected. Once you've done that we can help you get strong & kick his bum!!!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Confusedinok80 said:


> I need to take my life back. I just don't know how. I am going to contact a lawyer Monday I guess. See what rights I have of any.


Plan out a strategy and stick to it. Be sure that your strategy turns best for you no matter how your H reacts. If your main concern is the well being of your child, then you are on the right path. Just be sure that the outcome doesn't hinge on anything in good faith from your H.


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