# Issues with my Husband



## MrsG13 (Dec 15, 2011)

My Husband and I have only been married for about 1 year and a half. We married after only 1 year and a half of being together so we're still adjusting to each other quite a bit. That may be why we have some big issues now. Also, we are both suffering from depression which is making everything a lot harder. 

Our biggest issue is communication. It causes a lot of problems for us and it seems to be getting worse over time. We tend to misunderstand each other cuz we leave information out when we're communicating. I think we both feel pretty disrespected at times. I am worried that we either never knew each other well enough or that we have just run out of things to talk about with each other. 

We try to talk about our day when we get home from work, but we usually find that we don't have a lot to say cuz not much happened and we tend to tell each other things over texts during the day. I really want to talk to my Husband more so I can feel connected to him, but I don't really know what to say that will keep the conversation going. Throughout most of our relationship, I did the talking most of the time and my Husband didn't say much. I just don't feel like doing all the talking anymore. We have been doing separate things in different rooms of the house lately after we eat dinner together.

We have been in therapy before together, but unfortunately we no longer have Health Insurance or the money to go to a therapist anymore. We're hoping to eventually go back when we get the money or Health Insurance. 

We found out in therapy that my Husband doesn't really know what his expectations for our relationship are (aside from the obvious don't cheat or lie and be respectful) which is extremely frustrating for me cuz I need to know how I can improve to meet his needs. I'm not sure how to help him identify what his needs from me are. I feel like it should be pretty obvious. My Husband spent a lot of time being alone and isolated from people and I was his first and only girlfriend so he never put much thought into his relationship expectations. 

My Husband seems to have an issue with having to come to me and apologize more often after we fight since he brings it up every time we fight. I have never been good at being the first to apologize, but I tend to feel when my Husband is wrong that he should be the first to apologize. I have been the first to apologize before in our relationship when I felt I was wrong, but when we fight he doesn't seem to remember those times. He has also told me in the past that he feels as though he is walking on eggshells with me. I certainly don't want him to feel that way, but I know I have an issue with thinking more about my own needs sometimes and wanting to have things done a certain way. I am not sure it's something that I want to change really. I really want my Husband to feel like he can tell me anything though and he says that he's worried about upsetting me so I do think he doesn't tell me everything which is hurtful.

Do you have any advice for how we can work on our relationship ourselves until we're able to afford therapy? Thanks.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

I would suggest going through a book together. There are lots of great books to help you two get communicating better. 

One my wife and I are reading right now is called "The DNA of Relationships". Very good. If he is willing to do something like this, it would be really good to do together.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Can you two join something you both like? Volunteer somewhere together? Make one night a week a game night? I've found the more my husband and I do things together, the more we learn about each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsG13 (Dec 15, 2011)

Thanks for your responses. I have never heard of that book so I will definitely check it out. We would love to have at least one date night a week where we do something together. It has been challenging for us to start something though since we both seem to gravitate towards the same routines. 

Another big issue that we have been having is that my Husband holds off on telling me things sometimes. He has admitted in the past that he is afraid I will get angry on certain things, but I have told him quite a few times that it's a lot worse to hold things in because then when I do eventually find out I will get a lot more angry and it will create resentment in the long run. Yesterday my Husband knocked down my shampoo bottle in the bathroom and a large piece of the top broke off of it. When I asked if both my Husband and the bottle were okay, he said yes. To my surprise, I found the broken bottle in the bathroom this morning and when I confronted him about it he told me that he didn't notice it was broken. I find that hard to believe because I noticed it right away and there's a piece missing that was nowhere in site. I am not upset so much that he accidentally broke the bottle. I'm upset at the fact that he didn't mention it to me after I asked. Sometimes I'm not sure if I can really trust him.


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## Akr (May 1, 2013)

hi MrsG13,

It seems that your husband is not interested in you as he talk less with you. First you need to understand whether your husband loves you and do you love your husband?

Next time, whenever you'll have fight don't apologize first, if it's not your mistake, if he love you he'll come to you first. Personally, I never apologize whenever me n my husband fights.

second, be an independent adult and show him that you deserve respect that he chooses you as your wife. If he'll not give you respect it means, he doesn't care about his self respect. Tell him, that you both are life partners and you have to share your joy, sorrow together and you both have to stand for each other through out life.

Show him your love by cooking his favorite food, gifting him the special present or spend some special evening together and talk, you don't need to identify the topic while starting a talk with your husband, say anything, your heart feels, if he'll give you love back, he's yours.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...schedules help.
...so do agreed upon group activities. If all else fails, watching movies together and talking about them later is fairly easy.
..it does sound like he might need some down time - away from you. One couple I know fought incessantly until she started letting him have time in his man cave.
...and he may also not enjoy conflict with you. Different people have perfectly valid means of dealing with conflict. It sounds like your methods are significantly more aggressive than his are. Perhaps you could look for Mastering the Mysteries of Love (free couples therapy, usually held at churches)...or just read a book on nonviolent communication.
This can be a real problem. The usual pattern that develops is the less aggressive spouse avoiding confrontation, which tends to provoke the aggressive spouse...
But, don't blame it on him. This portion is a 2-way street. Both of you would be wise to learn way to communicate effectively with the other person without hurting them.
...also...realistic expectations...our MC suggested that, with full-time jobs and a kid, we'd be lucky to get 15 minutes a day of couple time. It sounds like your expectations for a marriage may be unrealistic. You may need to plan around getting some conversational needs met elsewhere.
...y'know, I don't usually wake up until 9 AM. (Sadly, I drive to work at 7 AM.) Until then, my observational skills are limited. And verbal communication is limited to grunts and 'Sure'. Please cut the guy some slack about the shampoo - it just isn't worth fighting over.
...if you're both depressed...exercise is a really good plan. Go jogging together or play ping-pong. Exercise is comparable in effectiveness to therapy and antidepressants - and also good for you.
...running out of new stuff to talk about is perfectly normal. ...those cool stories you started out with...those took 20+ years to gather. Not a worry.
...regarding apologies...eh. Different people will have different opinions. Sometimes, you will disagree over who is at fault. If neither of you apologizes at that point. Or if you demand acknowledgement that you're right from someone who doesn't believe it...that'll harm the relationship - because they'll either never resolve conflicts or lie to you. It may be better to try apologizing for the hurt each of you causes your partner - and work towards a compromise. If he's apologizing more often than you are and complaining about it...he probably has a point.
...lastly...beyond honesty...if you're constantly chasing the guy around looking for attention...he is likely to avoid you. It can be good to back off a bit and just be nice to him.

--Argyle


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