# i thought i had coped but today proves i have not.



## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

my husband left me 18months ago for a woman who he had a EA with for 3 years on and off, as i had found out and originally told him to leave but he told me it was over no contact, went for counselling etc, then i found out agin was still in touch but he begged and pleaded and promised (what a sucker i am) and he stayed, then 2010 i finally felt we were doing better, i was happier, we were getting on better, felt closer to him than i had for a while when out the blue he loses it and talks about harming me needing space etc, etc and leaves to visit his sisters for a week comes back and tells me that he's leaviong me, that no one else invovled blah blah blah, then about 2 weeks after leaving moves 700 miles away from me and the kids, would not say were living etc, it took 4 months for him to admit he was living with herand that he had left to be with her. I dealt with all that and over the last 20 months have got my life in order, been strong for my kids and carried on. Since he left i have gone out of my way to be polite and decisive and not talked bad about him because of my kids, i have put how i feel and my anger to one side so my kids do not get hurt and more than they have already been. We had been together since 1990, had along engagement. My 15th wedding anniversary coming up next week. There is more to this story but shortened cos could go on forever. He is up visiting them this weekend with her and has informed me that they have brought commitment rings for each other, but wanted to tell me before the kids said anything, all this whilst i have to play gracious hostess to his girlfriend who is sat in my house fawning over my kids, we had a few angry words and tears and i told him how angry i was still and not expect me to be happy and how insensitive he was bout it all and expecting me to still be friends and be happy for him, i do not think he liked me saying whoop de do to him. I thought ok i can deal with this it's fine, but in she walks this morning wearing the ring and i sit there smiling and making small conversation whilst i wait for them to leave, once they do i find my self howling like a banshee breaking my heart, and i don't know why. I do not love him anymore but i feel like i am back at the start again with my emotions. How do i get past this?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What I can tell you is that he was working on the relationship like he said in the beginning, but emotional affairs are very addictive and anytime he felt upset with you he was thinking about going back or talking to her to get her to nurture his hurt feelings. Nevermind that now, he doesn't realize it but his affair is a ticking time bomb with a slow fuse. 

Now that he is living with her she won't be as interesting as she once was in the next few months to a year becaue he will have the same fights though there is a big sense of mistrust between him and the other woman. On top of that the commitment ring thing is laughable at best since he isn't even divorced and he is committed to her. Yeah, that is going to end badly because they have jumped into things so quickly. And if they do marry, god forbid, it won't last long. Relax, these two have less of a chance staying together with the two of you having kids

Honestly you are doing everything right and faking indifference when he is clearly baiting you into fights to cement his decision to leave. For now and the next several months to a year you will need to let him go to be with her while you take care of the kids. This may seem counter intuitive, and it is, but he needs to see for himself that the grass isn't all that much greener and once the sex dies down she is not going to be as caring or accepting as you were. 

And don't let other's talk you out of possible reconciliation. You have a lot better chance of having him come back and sticking it out this time because you have kids. With any luck she will be long out of the picture to never darken your marriage once she has had him and lost him to the better woman.


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

Thank you for your replies, i have clamed down abit now. *I do not want him back, esp since he been with her, i am a much better person than she will ever be.* Actually this weekend has been an eyeopener for many reasons one being apart from me and her looking so completely different, we actually like lots and lots of the same things, we are both also in the same profession, very telling i think. One answer i got this weekend from my husband was his head was still messed up and that no-one knows what goes through his head. I also said to him that since the age of dating at 13, he has never been alone, he has gone from one relationship straight into another taking all his baggage with him. That he does not know how to stand on his own two feet, he needs someone constantly to help him, which is what i did for over 20 years as well as being his fulltime carer i was his mum and everything inbetween, he cannot cope alone. That makes me a much stronger person as i have coped alone for the last 20months with 2 teenagers with no input from him, and you know what me and the kids are getting there and i should not let him have the power to make me feel insecure and not worthy. When i look at what i have accomplished since he left we are so much better off. I am and will always be stronger than him and he will always need someone to pick him up, but it won't be me I have better things to do with my life.
See a good scream, and rant makes you feel so much better. I can and will deal with this blip the same way i always have, get back up brush my self down, put on the smile and forge ahead.:smthumbup:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are a bigger person than I am. I could never have agreed for them to be in the house with me. Honestly that situation would have tested any sane human being's coping skills.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why in the hell did you allow her in your home? There's no way i would have accepted that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

I allowed it because i do not want anything to come back at me about how i was a total bxxch towards dad and his girlfriend, i have 2 teenagers who are watching me and my interactions around him and his girlfriend, i am showing them that no matter how painful and uncomfortable, i am better and stronger than all that and i can rise above it. my kids think i am being cool even though they know i find it hard.

also i will admit that deep down i am also being a subtle little cow by letting her and him see the improvements that i have made and am still making to the house that was our home which he left so he could live in a tower block 2 bed flat in a non desirable part of town, whereas i have the 3 bed house he signed over to me legally and completely, when he left, in a nice rural location with two huge gardens, and all the jobs he started that i have finished and other house inprovements that have added to the value of my house. 
So yes that is my gloating moment. 
But i must admit it is very hard to actually have her in my house and have to be nice whilst she is there and he knows that i find it extremely distasteful to have her there as i have told him, but that will go over his head as he does not see what is wrong with it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There's being civil and there is going overboard. I would not have the person who helped destroy and betray my marriage in my home. Ick. You need some boundaries and self respect.


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

so what do you recommend then, i do not want to have a confrontation, i am too much of a door mat i know, but i am trying to do the right thing for my kids, they like her. i have know clue how to deal with it all. Sugestions appreciated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ontheup said:


> I allowed it because i do not want anything to come back at me about how i was a total bxxch towards dad and his girlfriend, i have 2 teenagers who are watching me and my interactions around him and his girlfriend, i am showing them that no matter how painful and uncomfortable, i am better and stronger than all that and i can rise above it. my kids think i am being cool even though they know i find it hard.


You made a bad deal here - letting her into your home isn't acceptable at all and I fear your kids will see it as you being accepting and weak. 

That woman should have standing orders NEVER to be in your home or your presence.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ontheup said:


> so what do you recommend then, i do not want to have a confrontation, i am too much of a door mat i know, but i am trying to do the right thing for my kids, they like her. i have know clue how to deal with it all. Sugestions appreciated.


your kids are old enough to be told the full truth. This isn't a chick he met after leaving. It's someone he's lied about and had a relationship for years, and she is the reason their dad you no longer lives at home.

you basically need to expose the affair. It's not a biotch move, it's you telling the truth to those who need to know.

and then you need to tell the cow to get out.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are not doing your teenage children any favors by allowing them to see you in this light. I've been there! They need to know what their dad did is unacceptable behavior. No need to sugar coat this. Show your children you have dignity and self-respect.


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

thank you all and you are right. my kids know she is the woman he left us for as i have been truthful about everything, my daughter did not speak to her dad for 5 months because of it, if my kids ask i tell them the truth so they know the basics and how long it has all gone on, but they both also know how uncomfortable i feel having her in my house. So when he brings the kids back today i will speak to him about it because i know i cannot keep doing this and it is unfair of him to expect me to. i am going to make a stand. He won't like it but hey ho. i am no longer his doormat and by letting this continue i am giving him the power to walk all over me. Sometimes being nice is not the right thing to do.


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

*well i did it*. once they brought the kids back and hung around my house for an hour, i went out into my kitchen to escape them and left them in the front room with the kids, he came out to ask if they could stay for a bit longer, i said no as it was nearly time for me to dish up the kids supper so best that they said their goodbyes and leave. 
Once on the door step i said i needed to talk to them and said that what i was about to say was most likely going to make me sound like a bxxch but not meant that way, and i proceeded to tell them that from now on i no longer wanted her in my house and that it was insensitive of the STBX to expect me to entertain his girlfriend. She was very understanding and said that i was a better person than her as she would not have been so nice if it was her situation, she would have slapped the woman. i then turnt round and said yes i am a better person than you as i am not a marriage wrecker. OOPS!
Well as you can imagine that went down well, STBX looked ready to blow a fuse and she looked hurt. The conversation ended and they left. 30 mins later STBX texts me to say that i have no worries about her coming back to the house as she is refusing ever to return to Scotland because of the comment i made. I never replied as i felt it could become a slanging match and i do not want to fall out with him for the kids sake. But maybe the truth hurts. 
Also as for the commitment ring thing they have told my kids that they are engaged. My STBX must think i am so stupid to think i did not realise this with his waffle/mumble about commitment rings, what else would you call a ring worn on that finger. Stupid Arse.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Good for you! I bet you feel a lot better now. You handled that nicely.


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

god i am such a Loser, i have spent the whole day feeling like pants because of my marriage wrecker comment to the OW even though it true.i am worried that STBX will not talk to me again and make everything really uncomfortable. I so cannot deal with not being a nice person, even ended up in tears at work when someone asked how did my weekend go. I need to grow a spine and toughen up i know but i don't know how to


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

ontheup said:


> god i am such a Loser, i have spent the whole day feeling like pants because of my marriage wrecker comment to the OW even though it true.i am worried that STBX will not talk to me again and make everything really uncomfortable. I so cannot deal with not being a nice person, even ended up in tears at work when someone asked how did my weekend go. I need to grow a spine and toughen up i know but i don't know how to


You need to give yourself a break. If the truth hurt her too bad for her!! She knows what you said is true and she wants your stbxh to defend her.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What's the worst that can happen? Your husband knows what he is doing is wrong and that this attitude isn't like you. Worst possible outcome is he will ignore you for a month or two to cool off but guess what, you have kids and if he knows whats best he will be part of their life. You will get another chanceto speak to him.

I did the same thing not too long ago and am getting ignored by my wife, but I know it's not forever. I could beat myself up for reacting out of my character or remember the last few good conversations we had. Sooner or later he too will let go of the anger and miss talking to you.

You have to be patient and have faith in yourself. You know you are a good woman with a good heart and put up with a lot already. Which is more than the OW would ever do for him.


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