# So Scared and so Confused



## Jemspure (Dec 24, 2013)

My husband at first seemed like my white knight, but about a year after our marriage his real self began to show. One day he is nice and polite and the next becomes a raging verbal abuser. My son and I have walked on eggshells around this man for 15 years. The more we tried to calm him the more violent his rages became until things almost got physical. He horrified me. He is a huge guy 6' 2" and nearly 300 pounds of pure muscle. At that point I found the courage to leave him, but he threatened to kill himself if I left and then promised to go to therapy. So he tricked me into staying and went to a few therapy sessions. That was almost 3 years ago, and in all fairness his huge rages have stopped. But now he has even more mood swings and is more cruel and spiteful, and now, three years later, I am having horrible health problems which I attribute to the stress of living with him and I am trapped with him at the house because I can't work anymore. The thought of having sex with him makes me want to vomit and i have lost all respect for him. He also really scares me because he says and does horrible things and then doesn't remember doing or saying them. I can tell that he is being truthful by the look in his eyes. He really doesn't remember. In public he is mr sunshine and kisses everyone else's butt. when at home he is a monster. Now here is the other side of the coin. He buys me anything I ask for, he doesn't cheat, he works his butt off to provide, and when he is in a nice mood he is the greatest guy ever. He even takes great care of me when I'm sick. His duality has ripped my heart and my nerves to shreds. I want to leave him, but he has me half convinced that I am the crazy one and I am also afraid he could really hurt or kill one of us if I leave. I'm almost too tired to fight him anymore. If I leave I will certainly face financial ruin and even homelessness. He has already proven that he will never leave the house so I will have to be the one to go. I also prob won't be able to afford medical treatment if I leave as well. Have I waited too late to escape from this guy? We also live in a really small town where everyone will take his side. They are all totally fooled by his fake self. I feel like I am trapped in a hell cycle and don't know how to get out. Are all men this way? I need some really good advice. He has so many good qualities that I am always in a constant state of confusion about his bad qualities and can never settle on what I should do. I have finally accepted that he will never change since he can't be convinced that he does anything wrong, and I know I will never be happy with him, but I will lose my house, my health, and God only knows what else if I leave.....trapped....trapped....trapped.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Jemspure said:


> My husband at first seemed like my white knight, but about a year after our marriage his real self began to show. One day he is nice and polite and the next becomes a raging verbal abuser. My son and I have walked on eggshells around this man for 15 years. The more we tried to calm him the more violent his rages became until things almost got physical. He horrified me. He is a huge guy 6' 2" and nearly 300 pounds of pure muscle. At that point I found the courage to leave him, but he threatened to kill himself if I left and then promised to go to therapy. So he tricked me into staying and went to a few therapy sessions. That was almost 3 years ago, and in all fairness his huge rages have stopped. But now he has even more mood swings and is more cruel and spiteful, and now, three years later, I am having horrible health problems which I attribute to the stress of living with him and I am trapped with him at the house because I can't work anymore. The thought of having sex with him makes me want to vomit and i have lost all respect for him. He also really scares me because he says and does horrible things and then doesn't remember doing or saying them. I can tell that he is being truthful by the look in his eyes. He really doesn't remember. In public he is mr sunshine and kisses everyone else's butt. when at home he is a monster. Now here is the other side of the coin. He buys me anything I ask for, he doesn't cheat, he works his butt off to provide, and when he is in a nice mood he is the greatest guy ever. He even takes great care of me when I'm sick. His duality has ripped my heart and my nerves to shreds. I want to leave him, but he has me half convinced that I am the crazy one and I am also afraid he could really hurt or kill one of us if I leave. I'm almost too tired to fight him anymore. If I leave I will certainly face financial ruin and even homelessness. He has already proven that he will never leave the house so I will have to be the one to go. I also prob won't be able to afford medical treatment if I leave as well. Have I waited too late to escape from this guy? We also live in a really small town where everyone will take his side. They are all totally fooled by his fake self. I feel like I am trapped in a hell cycle and don't know how to get out. Are all men this way? I need some really good advice. He has so many good qualities that I am always in a constant state of confusion about his bad qualities and can never settle on what I should do. I have finally accepted that he will never change since he can't be convinced that he does anything wrong, and I know I will never be happy with him, but I will lose my house, my health, and God only knows what else if I leave.....trapped....trapped....trapped.


No.... not all men are that way.

I'm no expert, but it sounds like BPD to me.

There are some here with first-hand accounts of dealing with BPD. There was even one WITH the disorder. Sadly, I don't think she posts much anymore.

Maybe some of them can give you better advice than I can. 

For my part - there does appear to be a lot missing from your story. 15 years and it was ALL bad? Why did you ever marry? Why didn't you leave 14 years ago? 

You also say he "tricked" you into staying - that is not being entirely honest. You might regret your decision to stay _now_, but it was still _your_ decision. It almost sounds like you were hoping he would blow up again so you would feel less guilt about leaving... but he has failed to oblige you and it makes you angry. By your own account, he did what he said he would do. So what is really the issue? Could his continued mood swings be due to the lack of love from you? Think about it. From his point of view he 'fixed' the issue you had a problem with, but you are still cold towards him. You don't think someone knows when "the thought of having sex with him makes me want to vomit"? Yet he still takes care of you when you are sick and "works his butt off to take care of" you. No wonder he is showing signs of 'duality'. Sounds like he is working on the marriage and you gave up long ago but didn't have the courage to leave or tell him. You both really need MC to air out these festering resentments and lack of communication. Then decide a course of action.

I'm not saying he is a good person. Far from it. The blackouts you describe him experiencing are particularly worrisome. 

I do know you need to own your own part in the dissolution of your relationship if you want the folks here to actually help you.

Saying "I know I will never be happy with him, but I will lose my house, my health, and God only knows what else" means you have already given up and have no intention of owning your share of the marital problems - or working on your marriage in any way. So... what advice do you really want? 

If you are wanting us to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong and "by the way, here's how you can keep your house, health, and his money - guilt free!" then you have come to the wrong place.

If you want to get to the root of the problems with your relationship - and work on your marriage and your own issues that led you to this impasse so that you don't repeat it in the future (even if your marriage doesn't work out) - then you need to be willing to ask yourself some hard questions and own the truth... whatever it is. If that is the case...

...welcome to TAM. I'm sorry you are here.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jems, I agree with Honorbound that you are describing many of the classic traits of BPD. Although you cannot diagnose your H's issues, you certainly are capable of spotting the warning signs for BPD if you take time to learn what to look for. There is nothing subtle about red flags such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, suicide threats, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. I therefore suggest you look at my description of such traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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