# So Lost.



## copingdad (Mar 25, 2012)

Ok, First time, but i need to do this. Im a 32 year old male, father of 5. I have 4 kids with my wife, whom ive been with since i was 19. My first child was born when i was 18, but i was never married. So my wife, whom ive been with for 12 years,a and married to since 2003 was a perfect mom. Beautiful loving woman. Caring mom. But that all changed in 2007. She became pregnant with our 3rd son. at the time she found out she was pregnant, she also found out that she had a gall bladder problem. They gave her pain pills and said they would have to keep her on them till after the pregnancy and was able to do surgery. well fast forward to 2008, and she was hooked. Also battling depression, but kept post pone the surgery to keep getting pain pills. She evetually had the surgery, and more pills. 2009, she was very good at being able to get pills. She knew exactly what to tell the doctors to get pills. She was also doctor shopping. Ive had people call me and tell me she was buying them from people. She came to me spring 2009 and said she had a problem, so i put her into detox. She got out a few days later, and was on pills again shortly after. I didnt really know about all this untill she admitted to me, and then did the investigation into it all. Anyway, we had been fighting alot since she started taking pain pills and has had 2 emotional affiars and said she had filed for divorce. So in protecting myself, i hired and attorney, and told him everything. Upon hiring him, he said he didnt see where she filed and that i should file first, so i did. Dec 2009, she said she was pregnant. NOTE: she had not lived with me for 2 months, but we did on 2 occasions have sex. So I let her move home so i could take care of her. She came to me july 2010 at 8 1/2 months pregnant saying she has been taking pain pills, about 5 per day. I immediately put her in the hospital fearing for the baby, and they kept her and weened her off for 7 days. Baby was fine. FFW a few months, more pain pills and more fights. FFW to may 2011, and found out more pills, and about 10 per day at this point. We found an out patient doctor who offered Suboxone, an opiate recovery drug, and she was on it through out the summer....... failed once again. I found pills sept 2011, and threw them out. She attacked me in front of our kids, so i put a protection order against her for the kids a I and reopened the divorce case. She didnt have the kids for 2 months, until she was forced by the courts to take a drug test. Her attorney worked in that if she had prescriptions for everything in her system then it would be considered a pass, i did not know this at the time. So.....she passed, but pain pills where in her system.... but hey, judges are not doctors so i ws out of luck and had to split custody with her. in nov 2011 she found a boyfriend and moved in with him right way, having my kids stay the night with her and him. She then assaulted me and was arrested for domestic. we fought all the time. FFW to feb 2012, and she wanted to come home. She was crying to me and admitted she had a problem and needed my help. Stupid me took her in. We were trying to find the best treatment place for her,then..... she got more pills. Once again the fighting started, and she moved out a week and a half ago. She is now talking with her boyfriend that she left and is going to work it out with him. Before she came home, i was fine, didnt care anymore and was ready to go on with my life. Now since this last time when she left me, i feel so lost. I feel i want her back, but we are in full divorce mode. I have the kids the majority of the time, and she just gets to run around and do what she wants. I know its in the best interest of my kids to be with me, but why am i so hurt and want her back after cheating on me 3 times and all this drug abuse. Just feel so lost.


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

I am so sorry for you! I understand the pain and the confusion you are going through. I myself try not to offer any advice on here as far as your relationship goes. (God know, I have no place giving anyone advice, lol) 

But as far as you go, keep reading and continue with your counselor. If this is the first time you have posted, keep coming back. I have found such support through this site. I am so grateful for it and the people on here who take the time to listen, understand and care.

I have days where I feel so strong and ready to start looking towards the future, and then, there are days that the love I have for my STBX hit me like a ton of bricks and brings me back to square one. You will too. Ive come to realize its part of this. But in my case and from what I have read of yours, you have to try to remember that that love almost always leads to some disappointment that brings worse pain and new hurdles to overcome in addition to the ones we are already trying to deal with. 

Just do your best to try to take care of yourself, surround yourself with as much support as you can. And expect those "overpowering love" days, just try your best not to let them overcome you so much. They do pass.

How old are your children? Have you thought about some type of family counseling for them as well. I am planning on taking my daughter just to make sure there isnt anything she is holding back. I am just trying to get myself together first. Kids live by example, if I can show her I will be just fine, dust myself off and move forward, she may believe that she can do the same. (Not just from anything she has gone thru or witnessed with this relationship, but with anything in life)

I wish you all the best. Keep us posted, vent anytime you need, it really does help!

Hugs to you and your kids


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## copingdad (Mar 25, 2012)

phillybrokenheart said:


> I am so sorry for you! I understand the pain and the confusion you are going through. I myself try not to offer any advice on here as far as your relationship goes. (God know, I have no place giving anyone advice, lol)
> 
> But as far as you go, keep reading and continue with your counselor. If this is the first time you have posted, keep coming back. I have found such support through this site. I am so grateful for it and the people on here who take the time to listen, understand and care.
> 
> ...


My kids,10, 7, 4, and 18 months. My two older ones are in counseling at school, but I am getting them all put into some counseling shortly. I do have up and down days as well. Today, I'm ok, tomorrow who knows. I'm glad to know there is support out here. Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to get to a point where when she comes back and wants help or wants to work on it I will be strong enough to say no. I will get there and I will have a good life. Just ready to start focusing on myself and my kids VS trying to figure out her problems. I'm just putting myself into a world of hurt if I stay, and I know that. She's going to have health problems in the future, starting to develop them now, and I really just don't want to have to deal with that in the future either. Just want to detach once and for all. Oh well, time heals most wounds. Thank you again for your kind words and wish you luck and hope you stay strong. We have no choice but to only worry about our kids and ourselves now. Hugs to you. 
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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Hi Copingdad,

Just checking to see how you're doing?


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## copingdad (Mar 25, 2012)

phillybrokenheart said:


> Hi Copingdad,
> 
> Just checking to see how you're doing?


Hi Philly, I'm doing ok. How are you? Getting through and coping everyday. Dealing with her reconciling with her boyfriend is a little hard, but just coming to the fact that I cannot save her. It's sad, but it is what it is. I hope your doing well and staying strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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