# Wrong focus IMO...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've noticed a certain pattern with wifey recently, compliments towards her beauty/looks seems to make her much more bubbly then comparative compliments towards her personality which she feels I hold her in too high a regard.

I've told her that she has no competition as she's one of the rare few in this world that is a complete individual, with no strict ties to any culture or group. Strong in her own personal principles and stubborn in standing up for them. She lost her way a few times in the past but now being independent with her religious beliefs she's back to her own awesome self. These things earned my respect over the years and hence my deep love for her.

However, it seems that in her mind it's like "so wat? you still cheated! you still flirt with other ladies" etc etc
I haven't cheated on her since marriage, nor was it an 'affair', was one stupid one night stand that I can't remember and probably passed out before I did anything anyway (still too late), and the rumors of me sleeping with that lady got spread to my wife (gf at the time) by a rather malicious and jealous woman who has been shot down by me at every turn (her form of revenge I suppose). The flirting I've also stopped cold recently as per our agreement to redirect flirtateous conversations back to my wife.

So far, our agreement is working.

However she still appreciates it more when I tell her she's beautiful, sexy, and when I show it by taking her. For me that's rather shallow but for her it means everything and her means to feel loved by me. She has suffered this problem before she met me in my opinion gauging by her past...

I have been trying to make her feel more attractive to help her heal after years of being an ass to her. But at the back of my mind I always wish she accepts my compliment in regards to her soul, because that is in the end -> the one thing she has that no one can ever take away, nor age nor weight nor incident nor disaster. When I want to express my love for my wife I have to FORCE myself to compliment her instead on her looks as that is what she wants to hear...

I don't feel this is healthy at all, thoughts?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

My thoughts are that your ONS made her pretty damn insecure physically.

This isn`t odd at all as it happens to some degree or another with every BS.

She`s not being shallow RD, you`ve made her this way.

Give her the affirmation she needs.

She knows her soul/personality is just fine so she needs no affirmation there.

Did you have this one night stand because the chick had a great soul?
I don`t think so.

You`ve made her doubt her attractiveness RD and that`s a ***** to get past for anyone especially anyone of the female persuasion.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Thought from a woman.... she KNOWS she is ok personality wise... but like men, we WANT our spouse to WANT/DESIRE us.

So even if we are ok with who we are, comfortable with ourself, we want you to tell us and show us and touch us like you want us.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well that makes sense... 

I don't know though... I'm no longer LD since overcoming my own hiccups in our marriage, and we're back to a once or twice a day of intimacy routine - willingly on my part too might I add. I have been very intimate with her and she has noticed (I think... I hope...)

There are times when she drives me so nuts I can't help it but manhandle her, or times when I run my hands all over her loving every bit, or little things like simply lying in bed looking at her with affection and desire. FFS she's flawless in my eyes physically!!! Hmm, maybe I should tell her that and see what she says...

But darn it now I MYSELF feel shallow =/


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Explain to me what is shallow about telling YOUR WIFE that you find her sexy, desirable, etc? RD WHY must you complain about EVERYTHING regarding your wife? It seems that when you fix one thing, another automatically comes to your attention as a flaw that drives you crazy. She wants you to tell her she is beautiful, that she is sexy, that you find her desirable. Sometimes, we just need to hear the words from our husbands' mouths. Yes, showing it is important, but sometimes we need to HEAR IT. 

But it seems you have two complaints currently: her need for verbal validation and her new hobby. Fine, she's bored. She needs to figure out what she can do to break that boredom. You can make suggestions, but ultimately, she needs to make the decision herself.

FFS, tho...STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING SHE SAYS AND DOES!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Wanting your spouse to tell you you are attractive is not shallow.... clearly she is not over the fact you cheated before marriage, I think you need to ask her forgiveness, and as part of that, tell her forgiveness means not bringing it up again. She has to let it go. How long ago waas it? She did decide to marry you after that? If she likes comments, then she likes comments, some people like that, some people like physical touch (love languages are different) but I think that you have some resentment because she keeps bringing this up... no doubt and totally understandable. And she needs to let it go. Do something ritualistic, burn something, write it down and burn it together... but she has to forgive you to be able to move on, and accept your compliments fully.....


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I call BS on all this. He didn't make her feel insecure physically. His action made have made her feel insecure about the relationship, but that's not the same thing. It's up to her to feel good about herself. He can't MAKE her do that. 

Regardless of this, it doesn't sound like she necessarily expects him to. I don't really see anything in the OP to indicate she's insecure about her attractiveness. She likes to be complimented about her looks. What women (or for that matter man) doesn't? Just keep complimenting her looks and let her enjoy that.



tacoma said:


> My thoughts are that your ONS made her pretty damn insecure physically.
> 
> This isn`t odd at all as it happens to some degree or another with every BS.
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Explain to me what is shallow about telling YOUR WIFE that you find her sexy, desirable, etc? RD WHY must you complain about EVERYTHING regarding your wife? It seems that when you fix one thing, another automatically comes to your attention as a flaw that drives you crazy. She wants you to tell her she is beautiful, that she is sexy, that you find her desirable. Sometimes, we just need to hear the words from our husbands' mouths. Yes, showing it is important, but sometimes we need to HEAR IT.
> 
> But it seems you have two complaints currently: her need for verbal validation and her new hobby. Fine, she's bored. She needs to figure out what she can do to break that boredom. You can make suggestions, but ultimately, she needs to make the decision herself.
> 
> FFS, tho...STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING SHE SAYS AND DOES!


:allhail:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Drover said:


> I call BS on all this. He didn't make her feel insecure physically. His action made have made her feel insecure about the relationship, but that's not the same thing. It's up to her to feel good about herself. He can't MAKE her do that.
> 
> Regardless of this, it doesn't sound like she necessarily expects him to. I don't really see anything in the OP to indicate she's insecure about her attractiveness. She likes to be complimented about her looks. What women (or for that matter man) doesn't? Just keep complimenting her looks and let her enjoy that.


You're wrong. A simple, 'Damn, baby...you're so hot/beautiful/whatever" goes a LONG way with a woman.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> You're wrong. A simple, 'Damn, baby...you're so hot/beautiful/whatever" goes a LONG way with a woman.


I'm not disagreeing. But if she really doesn't believe she's attractive, it won't change that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Drover said:


> I'm not disagreeing. But if she really doesn't believe she's attractive, it won't change that.


True. However, to get the full taste of this relationship, go read about things a year ago. 

I just think she needs to hear NICE THINGS from her husband.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Seriously, your marriage makes my head hurt.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Drover said:


> I'm not disagreeing. But if she really doesn't believe she's attractive, it won't change that.


The things he has put her thru? Hell yes he needs to tell her! As That Girl stated: go back and read RD's other threads about his dealings with his wife. He has made her feel horrible about herself. Now, he needs to stop b!tching about what she needs in order to feel better, and just DO it.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Heh, I'm starting to get this. I didn't even notice that this was the same poster from the other thread I was responding to.


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