# I don't respect my husband.



## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

I think thats what it all comes down to. We have several problems with our marriage but a lot of those problems stem from the fact I just dont respect him much. I feel like I just cant relate to him much anymore.

He has temper and anger issues and we have been trying to work on them together. He has had some ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I just see this big child who throws a tantrum when he doesnt get his way. How is that attractive? I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and I am always being the rational one.

I feel as if I am more of a go-getter than he is. We both work full time, but I come home and am working on my own business on the side and cook and clean for him. He is so dirty and messy and doesnt lift a finger to help me, even when he sees I am running around like mad. I dont expect him to be scrubbing floors, but it would be nice if he could throw away his trash. I am constantly picking up after him. I seriously end up seething while I am running around keeping our house live-able while he just sits around and plays video games all of the time.

I am not perfect and I realize this. I just feel like I was attracted to his surface qualities in the beginning of our relationship and now that I know so much about him, theres a lot I just dont respect. He is very outgoing and generally a nice person, and he does care about me. 

Can I gain this respect....... ever? Is our marriage doomed? Its a really scary thought. I cant fake my feelings. I dont have much desire to have sex, and he is constantly complaining about our lack of sex and how I'm not "a normal wife" since I dont want to have more sex. He doesnt try to do much in the way of romantic gestures- even a kiss- he just expects to stick his hand down my pants and I'll be ready to go. I have expressed to him time and time again that if he just hugs or kisses me, it will get me more in the mood. Does he listen? No. And then I get blamed for "withholding sex" from him. By the way, we usually have sex about once a week. I dont get much joy from it though.

Im just scared. My husband is not a bad person. I really did love him and I want to find my way back. I'm just scared that I loved what was on the surface and now that I know him inside and out... I cant go back.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Sorry for your situation but mine was similar. My husband was a mamas boy so he had a lot of beautiful qualities like chivalry and consideration while we were dating. I believe his Mom's obsession with him and their relationship greatly held back his maturity level. He also had only lived with one other gf before me and so e never had a chance to live on his own - thus he didn't take initiatives to manage the household and eventually I was doing all the work. Your husband may not come from the same background but my point is that many past experiences can shape how he acts now and you don't always see them at first. When were "crushing" on someone I think we have a way greater level of patience for their flaws and don't always notice right away. Then one resentment after another starts piling up in your home life until you eventually have no respect left and start nagging one another in vicious cycles. 
I had expressed my frustration with doing 98 percent of the housework on top of working full time too - but he had his own resentments about me that made him ignore my cry for help & need. 
We started counseling together and it's helped sooo much! weve started pinpointing why he practices avoidance and I also learned that if my husband doesn't know how to fix something then he will avoid it so he doesn't look stupid. I learned to recruit his help more by working together as a team on things. We also made a list of household chores and each one of us selected tasks to take on (taking turns) until all tasks were knocked out. That way if I don't mind laundry I do it while he agrees to be the garbage man. It works!!! if one of us has a busier work schedule then we help one another out picking up extra tasks but showing great appreciation for it. 
Can't say he would ever decide to randomly do a home improvement but he has certainly made strides!!! along the way I stopped nagging and he said he felt more motivated to help. Now we feel closer than ever and thus sex naturally started happening more (we were stopping too). I hope this brings u hope - just believe it is possible for you to feel attracted again IF you can get you both on an optimistic path and focus on teamwork.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

Thanks for your response. My husband is also a mama's boy- they talk on the phone at least once or twice a day- very interesting to hear yours is too and has similar habits. His mother definitely did most everything for him, and he also had a cleaning lady growing up. He constantly uses this an excuse- he never learned to clean because someone always did it for him.

I am not a neat freak, by any means- I can get messy too. But my husband's mess unhiegenic. We have tried to talk about it, so many times................. but nothing ever changes. We fight about it constantly. I have asked several times for him to help cook once or twice a week, or at least to clean up for me when I cook. He will cook once in a blue moon, but not much. 

He tells me that he expects me to cook and clean for him- its my job as a wife- and his mother did it for his father. He says his mother had dinner on the table for him every night for 30 years. This argument makes me so angry because I am not his mother. She did have a full time job, but she also had a cleaning lady to help her with her load of work. We are NOT his parents and I never signed up to cook and clean for him 100% of the time. He is just placing all of his expectations on me, even though I have made it very clear that my idea of marriage is not to be cooking for my husband every night. I work just as hard as him, and I expect us to share those duties.

I almost want to come back with "My father worked full time and made enough money for my mom to stay home- so you should be doing that for me too". But I realize this is completely unfair and irrational- but it would probably make my point! I just dont want to stoop down to his level.

I also think that my husband's parents never really addressed his temper problem- he threw a tantrum and they either looked the other way or gave into him. He never really learned how to deal with conflict. I know that all of his previous relationships ended because he couldnt control his anger.

Your post did give me hope, so thank you. I have been silently wanting to go to counseling for a long time, but have never really brought it to the table. The sex is a symptom of a bigger problem and he cant understand that. I have tried to explain to him that a woman has different needs than a man, I have tried over and over and over.... but he places blame on me and thinks theres something wrong with me for not having the desire. I dont feel like we are partners along for the same journey.. I feel like he is always pitting me VS. him. I try not to get caught up in it, but the resentment builds. 

I want the desire back. I hope we can get to where you are. Thanks again for sharing.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm new here, so I'll just do what I always do when new to a board...just jump in and start posting.

You received excellent advice from lovelieswithin. It would be really good if you could get to a marriage counselor. Since you both work, if there's insurance..they'd likely pay for it. If he won't go, then go for individual counseling. It really can help you deal.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

aw you're welcome! I definitely understand what you're going through and it's enough to drive you to numerous breaking points - only to be left to pick yourself back up again and carry on until the next resentment fire is lit by his lack of effort. 
You seem like a smart woman so I don't have to tell you he is selfish & a bit clueless about the joys a 50/50 relationship could bring. Maybe talk about that concept with him... lay out his benefits he would have like less nagging from you, more likelihood of sex, and a new sense of mutual respect or coexistance. 
I get why he grabbed onto his parents relationship so much but you're right you're not his mom. He doesn't get your perspective right now that his demands are making you hurt and feel like he only wants a puppet wife. Obviously he was attracted to YOU so ask him why he's expecting you to change now and does he feel that's fair? 
If he is a stubborn mule definitely definitely seek counseling!! 
My husband moved in with me and away from Mommy - slowly he started to see his parents' flaws enough to not hold them so high on a pedastool and to create his own improved marriage. Mommy didn't like me for moving him away but several years later he thanked me for helping him fly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh, Lord.

The house cleanliness issue again.

(don't mind me. . .I am impatient on this one this week)

Look, counseling isn't going to get you anywhere. You'll get a liberal, coffee-drinking, pipe smoking, pipe jacket wearing guy with a brown beard wearing browns sitting there pontificating on the dysfunctional interaction between the two of you.

What you two need is a compromise and mediation, not counseling. . .could there perhaps be one to two rooms where you have a "territory" - where he can be messy? (a garage, a basement) And you have a room where you can keep it the way you want? (bedroom, den)?

I read of one mom who had 3 boys and a husband and put a urinal in the garage for them to use. To me, that was a stroke of genius because toilets are anti-penis for #1 potty activity. Believe it or not, men aren't doing it on purpose with the peeing. ..the penis isn't like a gun, it's more like a hose when urine comes out.

Anyway, it's a power struggle and counseling isn't going to help that.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Honestly, I wouldn't have any respect for him either. You are raising a child. One that expects you to cook, clean, run the house, that throws tantrums and demands sex. Sounds like a nightmare. I'm being a bit facetious, but what's in it for you? 

I think it's B.S that you are expected to work full time and meet all his needs and expectations. He apparently gives no consideration to what your needs are. Or he would help around the house. He would try to change his childish ways rather than making excuses. So what if he had a cleaning lady and his mother babied him/failed to teach him necessary life skills. He's a married man now and it's time for him to man up and help take care of his household. Not only because it's the right and responsible thing to do, but because he cares about his wifes needs. Maybe then she will care about his again. Good luck.


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## StepNjump (Aug 9, 2014)

I know it must be hard but since you are here, I guess you are honnest about trying to save your marriage so please listen to podcasts at www.reviveourhearts.com

And good luck my dear... Love requires a lot of patience... but in the end it's worth it.

Pete.



RachelLaura said:


> I think thats what it all comes down to. We have several problems with our marriage but a lot of those problems stem from the fact I just dont respect him much. I feel like I just cant relate to him much anymore.
> 
> He has temper and anger issues and we have been trying to work on them together. He has had some ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I just see this big child who throws a tantrum when he doesnt get his way. How is that attractive? I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and I am always being the rational one.
> 
> ...


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