# Do you 'want' what someone else 'had' with your partner?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm referring to past relationships your partner may have had.

My partner had a relationship with a guy a LONG time ago where they would hook up on weekends and just go at it like rabbits. 2-3x a day on weekends. It only lasted for a few months, but I admit, the thought of spending a weekend in bed and just going at her like the energizer bunny is a turn on for me. Not so much for her.

That said, I think the main reason I want to do that is maybe a sort of 'man pride' thing. The idea that another man got that level of enjoyment from my soon to be wife feels a bit emasculating to me for some reason. It was like 15 years before we even met, so it's not a direct competition thing, but it is still a bit of a competition thing for me personally I guess.

I have another situation she was in that she told me about that was hot (sex on the hood of a car) and we've agreed that is something we can do in the future when the opportunity presents itself. I think I want it not just for the awesome sex, but also because I want to say 'So what if you did that with her, I did too' in my head to the other guy. She has no contact with either guy anymore, so I'd be just bragging to myself, but it feels like I'd be 'marking my turf' so to speak with this. 

Is that normal? Do a lot of guys/people feel that way? Is it ok to feel like that? Does anyone else feel that way?

I want to make it clear that I do NOT view my fiancee as a possession, so I'm a bit uncomfortable with labelling these desires as a 'marking my turf' sort of thing, but that's likely the closest feeling to it I can describe.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Huh. I don't really have those kind of feelings (re sex) -- although I can see why you would.

I do very much miss the years that my H had with his ex -- he was so unhappy for so many years, and I didn't know, I was deliberately not contacting him because he was married. (Short story, he was an old boyfriend, we both parted and married other people, I never contacted him again until well after I knew he had divorced.) But yes, I do very much mind the fact that I missed so many years of his life. No help for it...I just try to make the years we have very good.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

They'll call you insecure, and I agree. Me too, I'm exact
Y the same way. But my reasoning is maybe different. If she refuses to do something with me that she willingly did with another, that tells me that she isn't as in to me as she was with him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I wouldn`t call you insecure at all.

It would seriously bother me if my wife regularly engaged in intimate acts with a previous boyfriend but refused the same to me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

frankieg said:


> 2-3x a day? is that all? that is not what i consider rabbit, more like a good evening. all weekend long is rabbit lol.
> 
> anyhow, talking about an ex and sex with them is not a good idea. you may be curious buy really what does it accomplish? someone on here posted something like..the only thing that matters is now, not the past.


all weekend long is what I meant. 2-3x a day on weekends. Sorry for not being completely clear there.

And I am happy with the present, completely. It was just more of a curiousity of mine if anyone else shares the same feelings.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

...and this is why I have never divulged all of the nitty gritty details of my past sex life to my husband!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

kag123 said:


> ...and this is why I have never divulged all of the nitty gritty details of my past sex life to my husband!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hopefully you did it all with him anyway, even if he doesn't know. A wife should want to do EVERYTHING with her husband, because he deserves it. Vice versa. 

I'd be the nightmare ex because I think I've done everything humanly possible between 2 people.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

There are a couple things I have done with exes that I have not done with my H, and he doesn't know about it. I haven't had a desire to repeat them because they were pretty much failed experiments or one of those things that sounds better than it feels (sex in the ocean, for example). If he ever brought it up entirely unprovoked I would do it with him to satisfy his curiosity, but it would turn me off if he was clearly asking for it because of some weird competition he feels he has going. I just never felt it was necessary to get into extreme detail with him about my past sex life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

i have the same issues an OP. I just don't think about them anymore. Right now that is very hard since the topic just brought some back. It triggered false flashbacks. I guess it may be selfish or whatever but, it does make me jealous that some random dude did something with my wife that I have not done. I really can't help it. My wife and i have done a lot of firsts. I guess it is more so the idea that someone else has been with my wife. But I am going to stop writing now cause my mind is going places I don't want it to.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I pretty much don't care what went on with anybody else as long as we're enjoying each other.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

My goal with her is to make those guys wish that got what I am getting.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

kag123 said:


> There are a couple things I have done with exes that I have not done with my H, and he doesn't know about it. I haven't had a desire to repeat them because they were pretty much failed experiments or one of those things that sounds better than it feels (sex in the ocean, for example). If he ever brought it up entirely unprovoked I would do it with him to satisfy his curiosity, but it would turn me off if he was clearly asking for it because of some weird competition he feels he has going. I just never felt it was necessary to get into extreme detail with him about my past sex life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Me and my wife enjoyed sex in the ocean and on the beach, maybe you should try again with your husband, someone you love more than anything else in the world. That tends to change the experience.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If it was a failed experiment then I have no need for her to do it with me. Or if she was pressured into doing something she did not enjoy at the time. But I do resent that she happily and frequently did things with several (many?) other men before me and then would not do those with me. As it turns out, it was a big red flag for her psychological issues.

In general I think a spouse should want to do all the fun and wild things he/she did with previous partners. If she enjoyed doing something with a boyfriend, there is something wrong if she doesn't want to do it with her husband.


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## TigerTank (Jun 25, 2012)

Very dangerous questions with answers that can change what you have in a relationship. I can relate to this. My wife before we had met had been a relationship where she had given a BJ in car, had sex in a car, and oral sex returned with a previous partner but not between us, not even on our honeymoon. 

I did try oral with her and she doesn't enjoy it anymore. She said she was interested in it the first time but that was it. I never got to see enjoyment in her like someone else did or know if there even was any. There were several firsts for me in the relationship but nearly none for her. Yes, I had been with someone else but the sex life was terrible and my ex had never wanted to explore. I didn't leave because of that, it was because she did not want kids and I did.

You just have to put your mind somewhere else. What bothers you about it is guys like excitement now and again and this is what she gave those others guys. The part that's hard to deal with is when you felt you needed it most she wasn't there for you. 

Once you know these things you can't forget them and they eat at you. The only way you can reverse it is to change your perception. Don't think of these as things she will not do with you, think of them as things she does not have the pleasure of enjoying with you. You can either choose to change how you think about it or block it all together. There is no in between. 

There are thousands of posts out there like this. You have to wonder why young woman who explored put this onto their husbands. What are you gaining by telling the guy you committed your life to that it doesn't matter, yet, at one time it did for you. Even if she chooses to never do whatever it may be it does matter if guys are posting looking for answers from strangers. If you see it as possessive or as if it makes you feel like an object, OK, say that, but don't say it doesn't matter. I think that is the biggest mistake, just be honest about it.

We won't know the answer to that as the husbands. You just have to let it go. There isn't anything else to do and you can't undo what she has done and what she won't do with you. Let it go.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It also could be that she's afraid to re-explore that freaky side of her with you for fear that you are going to judge her harshly. If that is the case, then reassure her that while you would be thrilled to do those things with her, that her happiness means more to you than anything else. Hopefully she'll feel safe and reassured of your love for her to one day blow your socks off.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Is that normal? Do a lot of guys/people feel that way? Is it ok to feel like that? Does anyone else feel that way?


I know my W was married before (I was also) and I know her Ex had some unusual (to some) preferences... and for all the years that the two of us have been together I've 'demonized' this Ex of hers as being, well, um, rather unusual in the sort of things he asked her to do... 

In the last year, however, she's admitted to having enjoyed many unusual (to me) acts _prior_ to her meeting her husband... which suggests that the two of them had very 'similar tastes in sex prior to their ever having met...

So, yeah. I feel that way. 

I don't want any part of the stuff they did together. I also realize, however, that I am not her Ex... I've been her husband for over a decade and her asking me about doing these things she used to do isn't about them... it's about us. She trusts me and wants to 'share' these things with me. I get that part. 

- The part I don't think she gets, is that I have never wanted to do any of these 'things' with _anyone_. I don't have a bucket list, never been exposed to a lot of this stuff, and I've been blaming her Ex all these years for taking advantage of her devotion and loyalty... So, now, I wonder a lot if my refusing to do any of these 'things' with/to her... is somehow directly linked to my own ideas of 'not wanting to be _anything at all_ like that loser of an Ex-husband.

this might just be possible...


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## oubliette (Jun 24, 2012)

Here is another perspective.

Once I hear about something that went on with the ex, I want/need to be COMPLETELY different. So hellz no, I don't want to have sex on a tractor if you and you ex had sex on a tractor. I don't want to copy what you already did. It angers me to think of going second, just trying to match something that was a first and will never again be new.

So some wives might have some of these feelings. Why pollute what goes on with the husband by making it a copy of how and where I had my ex's p in my v?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Interesting perspective. I don't think it's critical that we do everything she did with an ex, but it's critical that she be willing to. That she won't say no to me where she said yes to him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Interesting perspective. I don't think it's critical that we do everything she did with an ex, but it's critical that she be willing to. That she won't say no to me where she said yes to him.


Especially when it is within the the normal range of sexual activity.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

oubliette said:


> Here is another perspective.
> 
> Once I hear about something that went on with the ex, I want/need to be COMPLETELY different. So hellz no, I don't want to have sex on a tractor if you and you ex had sex on a tractor. I don't want to copy what you already did. It angers me to think of going second, just trying to match something that was a first and will never again be new.
> 
> So some wives might have some of these feelings. Why pollute what goes on with the husband by making it a copy of how and where I had my ex's p in my v?


Just to build on what you and MrVanilla had to say, I guess for myself, it's not so much a duplication. There's actually quite a bit she has told me from her sexual past that I don't want to do at all. In fact, I'd say there's about 75% that I don't want to do. It's more or less a few things that she has told me that make me go 'hmmm, that sounds awesome,' but at the same time isn't something I'd want to do all the time. Sex on a hood of a car for example. 

So I don't want to so much redo what some other dude did, just I guess do something that sounds like a lot of fun and get the satisfaction of knowing my STBW was willing to do with me what she was willing to do with another guy.


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## MooseAndSquirrel (Jun 7, 2012)

Why invite comparisons by trying to recreate an experience from the past? Look for something outrageous that she's never done with anyone. Make a unique "wow" memory.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't think it's critical that we do everything she did with an ex, but it's critical that she be willing to. That she won't say no to me where she said yes to him.


I agree, it's not critical, but as far as I'm concerned, my wife has every right in the world to say no to whatever. 



Thor said:


> Especially when it is within the the normal range of sexual activity.


I'm sure it wasn't your intent, but this makes me laugh! When I first became 'aware' of all the 'things' my wife and her ex (or ex-boyfriends) had done... I began questioning my own viewpoints on sex. 

I had no where to turn to for information and began scouring the internet for behavioral studies. Within days I'd taken X number of purity tests, read the complete findings of Indiana University National Survey of Sexual Behavior, Kinsey Surveys, ABCNews surveys - anything 'recent' as I tried to find any kind of data as to what the "normal range of sexual activity" might mean... 

As it turns out, my boring view of sex isn't all that odd for a man my age. However... my wife's sexual history could almost be considered an outlier. Some of 'things' she's done... shows up in percentages like: 5 percent of the 12 percent of the original 27 percent... meaning she's in a very small minority. 

Everyone wants to think that they are 'normal' and both myself and my wife are no different. Except that my collective sexual history lies in a 40-50 percent range while my hers is in a 1-5 percent range... and she flat out refuses to consider herself anything else but perfectly _normal_.



MooseAndSquirrel said:


> Why invite comparisons by trying to recreate an experience from the past? Look for something outrageous that she's never done with anyone. Make a unique "wow" memory.


Great idea! - * if you can find something 'outrageous' that she's never done with any one... or two or three... at once.*

=)


Leaving the past in the past is a dang good idea. 

There is no un-see switch, no jamming that Genie back in the bottle, no mind bleach. You can't rewind the recording and then accidentally erase the last twenty minutes and pretend it doesn't exist. Once it's done, it's done. If I had the chance (and the time machine) I'd go back this very instant and change things so that I no longer know what I know now and return to enjoying bliss in ignorance.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Just to build on what you and MrVanilla had to say, I guess for myself, it's not so much a duplication. There's actually quite a bit she has told me from her sexual past that I don't want to do at all. In fact, I'd say there's about 75% that I don't want to do. It's more or less a few things that she has told me that make me go 'hmmm, that sounds awesome,' but at the same time isn't something I'd want to do all the time. Sex on a hood of a car for example.
> 
> So I don't want to so much redo what some other dude did, just I guess do something that sounds like a lot of fun and get the satisfaction of knowing my STBW was willing to do with me what she was willing to do with another guy.


I don't care necessarily about the acts, so much as the mindset behind them. Taking your hood of the care example, I don't need to do that specifically. What I do need is for her to have the type of excitement for sex with me that would lead to sex on the hood of a car or something similar (like on the back porch at a party). Not all the time, but at least on occasion.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I don't care necessarily about the acts, so much as the mindset behind them. Taking your hood of the care example, I don't need to do that specifically. What I do need is for her to have the type of excitement for sex with me that would lead to sex on the hood of a car or something similar (like on the back porch at a party). Not all the time, but at least on occasion.


Just to further the discussion, couldn't it be said one would involve the other? Like if your partner mentioned something she did in the past, and you said 'Hey, I'd like to try that, it sounds like fun' wouldn't you expect her enthusiasm to allow for that to then happen? Unless it was a tramatic experience or something of course.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MrVanilla said:


> I'm sure it wasn't your intent, but this makes me laugh! When I first became 'aware' of all the 'things' my wife and her ex (or ex-boyfriends) had done... I began questioning my own viewpoints on sex.
> .
> .
> .
> ...


I'm 51 yrs old, so my views of normalcy is a bit different than the typical 21 yr old these days. Just like everyone thinks they are a better than average driver, we all do tend to think we are pretty "normal" around sex.

Having said that, there are so many "normal" things which my wife refuses with me but I know she did regularly with each of her previous lovers. (We met in college). In the car. On the beach. Sneaking into a back room at a party for a quickie. in a tent while camping. Oral to completion. In the shower. etc etc.

She has some significant psych issues related to child sex abuse, and the big change in what she would do with me is in fact a common reaction for the such a person. I had no idea what it meant until recently, and wasted many years trying to elicit normal behavior from a damaged person.

So I don't harbor antipathy towards her for these things now. I do feel disappointment.


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