# Long Distance?



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

How many of you have been in one, or had to break up because of the distance?
If you were with someone and it was a new relationship, and a job opportunity came up.
Distance was 3 hours to your old domain and your newly S/O. Would you go the distance in nurturing that relationship? Or is it too hard?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> How many of you have been in one, or had to break up because of the distance?
> If you were with someone and it was a new relationship, and a job opportunity came up.
> Distance was 3 hours to your old domain and your newly S/O. Would you go the distance in nurturing that relationship? Or is it too hard?


If you are both driven to make it work, it can work. What might help is setting out a timetable you can work towards with regards to living closer. Keeps you both aiming for the same goal.

I have done it with someone across the other side of the world previously, and at present my partner is stuck in another country due to border closures, but technology in that aspect can be a great help to stay in touch during those times apart.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some do okay. Most I’ve known of don’t.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been in this relationship?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

There are other things to consider, besides the _distance_, which is only one part of the equation.

_Are you both looking for the same thing in the future? Do you see a future together?
Have you discussed important life-goals?
At what point of the relationship are you ? Is it just dating, old relationship or a new one? 
Do you feel there is enough feeling/strong bond to beat the distance?
How long have you been apart?? Will most of the relationship/dating go on like this?
Do you live in countries with the same time-zone to make it easier to keep in touch regularly during the day? ... etc_

From my personal experience, distance is difficult BUT there's gotta be a *strong desire* from *both* parts to make it work. I can't stress this enough. BOTH need to PUT EFFORT equally, otherwise it'll fail.

I dated someone for a 3-month period last year but we were living in_ different countries. _I felt he wasn't putting enough effort to find time for us to video/phone call. He used to work long hours and I was willing to wait for him to talk in midnight, but he was tired and we would only talk for like 15 min.
Even during the break hours at work, he wouldn't put much effort to send a text message or even call just to say hi.
During our 3-month period, we only spent 2 weeks in person and even those 2 weeks were distant in time.

I really wanted to make this work as I felt strongly about him but it wasn't the same from him towards me, ALTHOUGH we were both looking for a life-partner. So, in this case I don't blame the distance. I "blame" his lack of effort .

Generally speaking, when the relationship is new, distance is prone to kill it.
But, If we're talking about a sold relationship/marriage, chances are, distance won't kill it but the period of distance shouldn't be more than the period of the relationship - otherwise we might go back to square one.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been in this relationship?


It’s new- 5 months 
But we’re friends for a year


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time have you spent with him, in person?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> It’s new- 5 months
> But we’re friends for a year


In the past, you've generally found reasons to feel insecure about your relationships pretty easily. Do you think having him so far away will make this less of an issue, or more? It would be nice to see you in a relationship that didn't seem somehow forced or stressful for you. If you're going to be worried that he's not texting you enough, that he's got too much time to be tempted by other women, then this (being so far away) could be a problem. Especially if it comes across that you're trying to overcome the distance issue by, from his perspective, demanding too much communication/too much of his time. 

Do the guys you're dating know what you're looking for? For that matter, do you know what you're looking for? I don't think the "I'll know it when I find it" works for you. To some, looking at things only from what you post (which could give a wrong picture), things appear a bit forced. I don't say that to be mean; I say that to let you know how things might be coming across to your partners.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> In the past, you've generally found reasons to feel insecure about your relationships pretty easily. Do you think having him so far away will make this less of an issue, or more? It would be nice to see you in a relationship that didn't seem somehow forced or stressful for you. If you're going to be worried that he's not texting you enough, that he's got too much time to be tempted by other women, then this (being so far away) could be a problem. Especially if it comes across that you're trying to overcome the distance issue by, from his perspective, demanding too much communication/too much of his time.
> 
> Do the guys you're dating know what you're looking for? For that matter, do you know what you're looking for? I don't think the "I'll know it when I find it" works for you. To some, looking at things only from what you post (which could give a wrong picture), things appear a bit forced. I don't say that to be mean; I say that to let you know how things might be coming across to your partners.


No I don’t take it mean, and I really appreciate your advice. Yes, my insecurities get the best of me. And unfortunately ran over into my relationships. This time I’ve done some reflecting and working on how I speak and take things as opposed to assuming. I’m not perfect lol as I still have hang ups, but I like what’s been happening with us. He likes that I’m a hot mess and he grounds me, if that makes any sense?

it’s not a granted move just yet... I’m 2 fold on him moving. I want him to be happy, yet I want him for myself. So, I try to look at it from a different perspective. My insecurities are mine and not his. I’m trying though.
Please- don’t stop the advice lol I’m open to learning.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> it’s not a granted move just yet... I’m 2 fold on him moving. I want him to be happy, yet I want him for myself. So, I try to look at it from a different perspective. My insecurities are mine and not his. I’m trying though.
> Please- don’t stop the advice lol I’m open to learning.


So here's another way of looking at things. What would be best for him? Are you a good match for him? What brings this up is personal; when my wife "chose" me, she really didn't give much thought to my own feelings at the time. What her baggage might meant to me. But you do say he enjoys the fact that you are a "hot mess." That sounds encouraging.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm not sure it is a persons job to decide what might effect the other person. We all have baggage. The trick is don't hide it when you are looking for a honest LTR. If you hide it you just waste time finding out if your baggage is the right kind of baggage to fit with their baggage.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> So here's another way of looking at things. What would be best for him? Are you a good match for him? What brings this up is personal; when my wife "chose" me, she really didn't give much thought to my own feelings at the time. What her baggage might meant to me. But you do say he enjoys the fact that you are a "hot mess." That sounds encouraging.


I think we are a good match for eachother. Hot mess I am due to me getting frazzled at everything. He accepts this and instead of judging- he knows it’s me and somehow he calms me. We are definitely opposite lol.

In the past, I’ve always felt like I was good enough to sleep with, but my personality was something that they wouldn’t accept. He does, as I do him.

it’s a mutually tolerant relationship?!? LOL


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> So here's another way of looking at things. *What would be best for him? *Are you a good match for him? What brings this up is personal; when my wife "chose" me, she really didn't give much thought to my own feelings at the time. What her baggage might meant to me. But you do say he enjoys the fact that you are a "hot mess." That sounds encouraging.


Why do we have to think what would best best for him? Why not think what would be best for OP?

OP, what does the other person think of this thing you two have? Have you discussed it with him? How's this distance affecting him?

If not, are you afraid to ask ?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Why do we have to think what would best best for him? Why not think what would be best for OP?
> 
> OP, what does the other person think of this thing you two have? Have you discussed it with him? How's this distance affecting him?
> 
> If not, are you afraid to ask ?


Why think about what's best for the other person? Because thinking that way makes it more likely you'll find someone that works out long-term. Are we really supposed to be 100% selfish and looking out only for ourselves when trying to find a long-term partner? Maybe *that's* my problem! Not self-centered enough.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Long distance can work, as long as there's a goal and end date for the distance in sight. Any longer than 12 months or so, I think you'd be hard pressed for it to go the distance.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> I think we are a good match for eachother. Hot mess I am due to me getting frazzled at everything. He accepts this and instead of judging- he knows it’s me and somehow he calms me. We are definitely opposite lol.
> 
> In the past, *I’ve always felt like I was good enough to sleep with*, but my personality was something that they wouldn’t accept. He does, as I do him.
> 
> it’s a mutually tolerant relationship?!? LOL


The bolded part worries me. If you're looking for something longer-term, their willingness to sleep with you is not a good indication that things will work out over time. I would suggest being a bit more old-fashioned and let someone get to know you first. I think both men and women are more likely to be faithful if the relationship has a strong basis in things other than sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> I think we are a good match for eachother. Hot mess I am due to me getting frazzled at everything. He accepts this and instead of judging- he knows it’s me and somehow he calms me. We are definitely opposite lol.
> 
> In the past, I’ve always felt like I was good enough to sleep with, but my personality was something that they wouldn’t accept. He does, as I do him.
> 
> it’s a mutually tolerant relationship?!? LOL


How much time have the two of you spent together, in person?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> The bolded part worries me. If you're looking for something longer-term, their willingness to sleep with you is not a good indication that things will work out over time. I would suggest being a bit more old-fashioned and let someone get to know you first. I think both men and women are more likely to be faithful if the relationship has a strong basis in things other than sex.


No I agree. Past relationships have been like that. My fault as well.. this one I’m currently with, it’s not just about sex- we have lots in common.
Sex is a bonus


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> How much time have the two of you spent together, in person?


Known eachother for a year. Seeing eachother almost 7 months.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

To me, long distance is someone who lives farther than two streets away. I think I'm old enough to be that crotchety. 

But three HOURS? He might as well live on Mars.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> To me, long distance is someone who lives farther than two streets away. I think I'm old enough to be that crotchety.
> 
> But three HOURS? He might as well live on Mars.


I agree. Three hours isn't sustainable unless there is an end in sight (as in, we will move to be together within X timeframe).


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> No I agree. Past relationships have been like that. My fault as well.. this one I’m currently with, it’s not just about sex- we have lots in common.
> Sex is a bonus


You just need to be careful that the "bonus" doesn't become a convenient way to overlook real issues. You seem to be looking for something that will work out long-term but some of the relationships you've mentioned sound like they're more along the lines of FWB scenarios. Maybe they don't start that way, but that's how the guys look at it shortly after.

Regarding the 3 hours distance. Reminds me of going away to school. Does the relationship continue? With two people involved, even when the original goal is to stay true to the other person, the likelihood of things working out is pretty low... people don't so much grow apart as be exposed to other opportunities and discover things they're missing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> Known eachother for a year. Seeing eachother almost 7 months.


This does not answer the question I asked. You have known him long distance. That's not in-person.

How much time have the two of you spent together, in-person? It's a very important question.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> This does not answer the question I asked. You have known him long distance. That's not in-person.
> 
> How much time have the two of you spent together, in-person? It's a very important question.


He lives 20 min from me lol
He may take a job, but it’s not set yet. 
move known him for a year, and seeing him locally for 7 months.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> You just need to be careful that the "bonus" doesn't become a convenient way to overlook real issues. You seem to be looking for something that will work out long-term but some of the relationships you've mentioned sound like they're more along the lines of FWB scenarios. Maybe they don't start that way, but that's how the guys look at it shortly after.
> 
> Regarding the 3 hours distance. Reminds me of going away to school. Does the relationship continue? With two people involved, even when the original goal is to stay true to the other person, the likelihood of things working out is pretty low... people don't so much grow apart as be exposed to other opportunities and discover things they're missing.


I get that, and maybe we are somewhat of FWB. Right now, it works and we both enjoy each other’s company and have a lot of fun together. At 47 I don’t have or really wanna deal with online or blind dates anymore. He makes me happy and I do him. Not sure if he will get the job or not, as interview was yesterday.
If not, and he stays here then we will continue as is. If it’s meant that he leaves, then we will discuss.

☺


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> To me, long distance is someone who lives farther than two streets away. I think I'm old enough to be that crotchety.
> 
> But three HOURS? He might as well live on Mars.


LOL! Meanwhile, I was thinking the opposite... if really into one another... it's only 3hours.
Granted, in the short-term at least.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I agree. Three hours isn't sustainable unless there is an end in sight (as in, we will move to be together within X timeframe).


I agree with this as a long-term view.
I'd consider 3 hours is a workable drive in the short term, if really into one another. An excuse to line up the tunes and hit the road. Friday - Sunday night return (if weekends are free/not working and on similar schedules).


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And for perspective of time... I've spent just the last hour or so browsing TAM. 
Almost half way to the hypothetical destination haha. Like you said Sue, discuss if and when the time comes.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, OP states they are _somewhat FWB_ and that's not a good basis to begin a long distance thing from.

OP you didn't really answer Ele's question about how much time you spend together now.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

OP, if you're already sort of FWB then why do you care anyway? 

At this point you don't expect him to drive 3 hours to come to you, do you?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

My relationship with my exH was long distance for about 18 months. We saw each other in person one weekend a month except for one vacation we took together with friends in that time.

In one respect this made our relationship stronger. We talked on the phone nightly. We shared our hopes, dreams, fears, funny stories, etc etc. When we got together it was as if it hadn't been a month apart as far as being comfortable together. The physical part was more difficult in that we were trying to cram a month's worth of intimacy into one weekend and that was stressful. There was one night I was SO tired...like bone weary tired and I tried to be into it but just couldn't really get there and he could tell. He was SO hurt by that because he knew he'd be leaving the next morning and our chance to be together would be gone until the next month. That's hard. A day or so later I came down with the flu which helped to explain it to him so he did feel okay about it later on but it was very difficult at the time. There's lots of pressure to make each moment really count when you don't get that many together. In the end, that's why I finally said "you need to move here or we need to be over" which sounds harsh but I was still in school and couldn't move so if one of us was going to move, it had to be him. He quit his job the very next morning and was here 2 weeks later.

As you may or may not know, my ex turned out to be gay. In retrospect, I think he liked the long distance thing because we really fell in love over the phone and so he had no physical pressures for sex on him most of our early relationship. But in the end that almost made things harder. Even now, he's still "in love" with me and says he won't ever stop loving me. He doesn't want me physically but he really wants to want me that way because he misses what we had. I often wonder if he would be SO bonded to me if we hadn't spent so much time baring our souls to each other early on. We also spent 23 years together as a married couple and raised (and are still raising) 3 children so I'm sure that adds to the bond. There are days I look over at my BF and think "wait a minute...that's not the guy I was supposed to spend my life with??" before my brain catches up.

So can it work? Sure...but it takes lots of communication and you can't be second guessing every single thing. I was VERY busy in school at the time and wasn't always free to talk. If he had been insecure about that we never would have made it. But he wasn't insecure and neither was I and we communicated a lot about our feelings and made the most of the time we had together and so it worked. If he had not been gay we'd still be together.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you’re basically FWB then distance is not likely to help turn that into a more committed relationship (assuming that’s what you want).


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Openminded said:


> If you’re basically FWB then distance is not likely to help turn that into a more committed relationship (assuming that’s what you want).


So it’s official- he’s leaving and got that job! I’m happy, but sad. It’s a higher position and he will be closer to his kids. Now, yeah we have been seeing one another and gotten closer. Are we FWB? Maybe. But that’s ok. We are exclusive sexually as we talked in the very beginning, it’s not like I’m not used to him going out of town every wknd or so. Before this pandemic, he was going up to see his kids. When Covid came- we stayed in touch, and it was 2 months before he could see me. We got closer talking, FaceTime, and integrating what was happening in our lives, kids. Etc 

I have a lot of insecurities. But I want this to work. Am I silly? I saw him for a couple of hours last night.... he was stressed beyond belief that he got a migraine: we didn’t talk much, so I just hung out, ate and relaxed with him.

This is a quick move and I feel everything has moved at lightning speed. He’s not upset that he’ll be 2 hours away- he’s like it’s not far, I’ll come visit etc. My head is spinning. Trying not to let my emotions get the best of me- usually when that happens, I mess up things cause I’m not thinking rationally.
Help.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Don't bother yourself thinking too much. After all you're simply FWB and you can't expect much.

If you want more out of this relationship you either should be open with him about your expectations or should've been earlier.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Don't bother yourself thinking too much. After all you're simply FWB and you can't expect much.
> 
> If you want more out of this relationship you either should be open with him about your expectations or should've been earlier.


^^This.

What do you want out of this relationship Sue? That's what you need to think about, then talk to him about it and go from there.

Two hours is nothing, it can work but you both have to want it to.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

frusdil said:


> ^^This.
> 
> What do you want out of this relationship Sue? That's what you need to think about, then talk to him about it and go from there.
> 
> Two hours is nothing, it can work but you both have to want it to.


We will talk soon. He’s been overwhelmed due to all of this happening so fast. (Move, Job)
He says it’s no big deal, but folks here’s my second dilemma. I’m not a big driver. Long story- eyes, and traumatic wrecks. I’m not able per my eye doctor. I have a retina issue where it blocks my Peripheal ( obvi needed for distance driving) so, where he can come visit- that will get old right?
Plus my ex isn’t seeing his son. How will he stay with me for weekend or any holiday. I’m just torn. I feel unworthy for some reason. Not by him but by me. I may have found someone that it could possibly turn out but there are so many obstacles.
Sorry for the long drawn out reply. Can’t sleep and just trying to figure this out.

😔 Sue


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If you were FWB ( probably, you say) while you lived close to each other, and now he's moving two hours away, starting a new job, has kids he needs to make time to spend time with, AND you aren't going to be able to participate in driving to see him, I don't see this amounting to much in the near future, except continued FWB when he is able to drive to see you. Do you? Why were you only FWB? Has anything changed about that? If it were to change, would you move to his area?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> If you were FWB ( probably, you say) while you lived close to each other, and now he's moving two hours away, starting a new job, has kids he needs to make time to spend time with, AND you aren't going to be able to participate in driving to see him, I don't see this amounting to much in the near future, except continued FWB when he is able to drive to see you. Do you? Why were you only FWB? Has anything changed about that? If it were to change, would you move to his area?


If I had to classify what we were o would say we are casually dating. Exclusive w sex. We talk daily and usually the longest we go without communication has been maybe 2-3 days. We integrate our lives ie: talking about our kids, work, we share pics and jokes etc. we are the type of people that like our space. Kids come first and that’s one of his reasons for moving. They are pretty much grown, except for the 15-17 yr olds.
If things worked out- yes I would move. My son will be 16 and in 24 months will graduate and enter the military. I have nothing holding me here except job- but I can find job anywhere


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

_Talking_ about kids and work and sharing pictures isn't integrating your lives, though. Integrating your lives means entwining them in real life-- things like shared living, friends, family, finances, decision making, life goals. How much time did you spend together a week?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> _Talking_ about kids and work and sharing pictures isn't integrating your lives, though. Integrating your lives means entwining them in real life-- things like shared living, friends, family, finances, decision making, life goals. How much time did you spend together a week?


Depending on schedules. Every other wknds mostly due to work and wknds. But it works for us


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Depending on schedules. Every other wknds mostly due to work and wknds. But it works for us


And maybe where we are isn’t a full integration to most folk, but it’s leading there. I’ve been with men who wouldn’t talk about nothing, ask personal questions etc.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I've had a very good relationship that lasted years living 2 hours apart. 

The bad news is, some people say this won't work. The good news is, it only has to work for the two of you.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> I've had a very good relationship that lasted years living 2 hours apart.
> 
> The bad news is, some people say this won't work. The good news is, it only has to work for the two of you.


I feel strongly about making this work- even though to others it may look silly or with many obstacles I face.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your pattern has been to get too emotionally invested too quickly with men who aren’t interested in that. Hopefully, that isn’t true this time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> And maybe where we are isn’t a full integration to most folk, but it’s leading there. I’ve been with men who wouldn’t talk about nothing, ask personal questions etc.


I'm confused by this. How is someone you saw two weekends a month, who is now moving 2 hours away, leading to a "full integration" of your lives?

Are you saying you guys have plans to live together?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I'm confused by this. How is someone you saw two weekends a month, who is now moving 2 hours away, leading to a "full integration" of your lives?
> 
> Are you saying you guys have plans to live together?


Lol nope!! We’ve known eachother for a couple of years. Newly dating, yes.
I am a lot better than most women he’s dated or seen. They all want to move I know with him after a month!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

If the women he's dated wanted to move in within a month, then there's so much rush and no quality time.

If you're left comparing yourself to those women, then I wonder if you risk following into the same category and making the same mistakes.
Tells about the pattern of women he dates.

Within a month, some want to move in.
Others (like in your case) who are just FWB (and soon to be living in distance) raise the ecxpectations for a closer relationship and a stronger bond.

Do you see irrelevant ratio between 
situation -- expectation?

OTH, if you have your own insecurities within yourself, then I don't think this is the right situation or the right guy to solve them with.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> How many of you have been in one, or had to break up because of the distance?
> If you were with someone and it was a new relationship, and a job opportunity came up.
> Distance was 3 hours to your old domain and your newly S/O. Would you go the distance in nurturing that relationship? Or is it too hard?


I don't believe in them.
I would have never been up for one. If someone moved away....that is a break up. 
I never understood why anyone would date or marry an active military person who has to go wherever they say go to for one year at a time.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Morning all-
So from my last post- Long Distance ?I had concerns about continuing with the guy I’m currently seeing. He has accepted a job that will be roughly 2 hours 30 min away.
It’s been a bit overwhelming for him as he has a lot to do in a short amount of time. We talked a bit but not to the extent I would’ve liked yet. He does want to continue and he said he would make the drive to visit. We both have teens that have sports and other obligations etc. I am willing to try this. My question is for the guys- would you drive that far to and from every other weekend/holiday? I have an eye disorder that limits my driving. It sucks and it really puts me in a state of fear. He knows this, and I presume he accepts it. Maybe I don’t cause I feel inadequate that I can’t drive to him or at night. I almost told him to go find someone that doesn’t have this much mess. He just looked at me and said it’s fine quit talking like that.

I’m trying to be positive. Like is a risk, and my heart and head is telling me to try it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm not a guy...

Why didn't you continue the thread you already have about this issue?

Now it's 2.5 hours away...

That's a long distance if he will ALWAYS be the one coming to you on the weekends he doesn't have his kids. It also crunches him as to keeping his household and life running-- doing his laundry (work clothes), grocery shopping, general errands, cleaning, vehicle maintenance, bill paying, seeing family, making friends in his new location and new job, etc. He will have to fit lot of the stuff single people/single dads generally do on the weekends into the weekends he HAS his kids with him if he's going 2.5 hours away every other weekend when he doesn't have them. 

It's not sustainable in the very long term, I would think.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> My question is for the guys- would you drive that far to and from every other weekend/holiday?


I sure wouldn't, especially if this is a long-term thing and will be happening until/if you move in together. 

IMO, that is not sustainable long term. I would say the idea sounds fine to him right now but would quickly get old and lead to resentment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> He lives 20 min from me lol
> He may take a job, but it’s not set yet.
> move known him for a year, and seeing him locally for 7 months.


Ah, i understood that the relationship is long distance now. Thanks for clearing this up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Sue4473, I merged your two threads because they are on the same topic. You will get better input if you keep one thread on a topic.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> @Sue4473, I merged your two threads because they are on the same topic. You will get better input if you keep one thread on a topic.


Thank you
I wasn’t sure how to do it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> Morning all-
> 
> So from my last post- Long Distance ?I had concerns about continuing with the guy I’m currently seeing. He has accepted a job that will be roughly 2 hours 30 min away.
> 
> ...


Some couples can handle a long distance relationship, some cannot. It seems that you are not one of those. There are several issues that I see.

One is that it's very hard to develop a healthy relationship when you hardly ever see your partner. It takes time together on a daily basis to build the bond that's needed for a good relationship.

Because of your eye issue, you really are not comfortable with driving that distance often. This is a major issue. Most people who have no vision problems would not be ok with driving a 5 hour round trip on a regular basis to date someone. They would not even do it for their spouse. You should not feel inadequate because you cannot do something based on a disability. Most of us eventually develop disabilities one of sort or another. It's called being human. Do not beat yourself up for simply being human.

Why is he looking for a job that is 5 - 6 hour round trip from where you live now? How long did he have the job he has now? Does he change jobs often?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> Thank you
> I wasn’t sure how to do it!


When you have an issue with the forum, just email a moderator. We are here to help you.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I also want to add that it’s almost impossible to truly get to know someone long distance. It’s too easy to fall in love with the IDEA of what it will be like when you are finally together full time, not what it will be in reality. My last marriage ended in divorce for this very reason. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Some couples can handle a long distance relationship, some cannot. It seems that you are not one of those. There are several issues that I see.
> 
> One is that it's very hard to develop a healthy relationship when you hardly ever see your partner. It takes time together on a daily basis to build the bond that's needed for a good relationship.
> 
> ...


He moved here in my town for a job. His ex got married and moved the kids down here. She is divorced, and he wanted to be close to his kids. He made the trip up there often when he lived here. And the job is a promotion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> He moved here in my town for a job. His ex got married and moved the kids down here. She is divorced, and he wanted to be close to his kids. He made the trip up there often when he lived here. And the job is a promotion.


If he considering not taking the job because of his relationship with you or is it a given that he's going to take it?

Is there any type of transportation that you could take when you would be doing the traveling? For example any buses or trains?

Or is he willing to do all the driving?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> He moved here in my town for a job. His ex got married and moved the kids down here. She is divorced, and he wanted to be close to his kids. He made the trip up there often when he lived here. And the job is a promotion.





EleGirl said:


> If he considering not taking the job because of his relationship with you or is it a given that he's going to take it?
> 
> Is there any type of transportation that you could take when you would be doing the traveling? For example any buses or trains?
> 
> Or is he willing to do all the driving?


He accepted it this past week. I am in awe that he’s such a good dad to want to be close. I don’t have that with my ex. (Doesn’t want anything to do w his son) He said it was no big deal that he would still see and visit. I could do Uber? Or meet him half way and then he would only have 45/hour to drive. 

at almost 47 I have never felt like o would even consider doing any of this. But he’s also one of my best friends. We’ve known eachother a little over a year. Just this past 6 months or so we’ve gotten closer. I get that this may not work, and he could easily find another woman in that area. But I feel I need to at least try, and if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> He accepted it this past week. I am in awe that he’s such a good dad to want to be close. I don’t have that with my ex. (Doesn’t want anything to do w his son) He said it was no big deal that he would still see and visit. I could do Uber? Or meet him half way and then he would only have 45/hour to drive.
> 
> at almost 47 I have never felt like o would even consider doing any of this. But he’s also one of my best friends. We’ve known eachother a little over a year. Just this past 6 months or so we’ve gotten closer. I get that this may not work, and he could easily find another woman in that area. But I feel I need to at least try, and if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be?


It can be hard to make a long distance relationship work. But at least you have known him as a friend and then dated locally for a while now. That's good.

I've seen some long distance relationships work. 

One of my uncles lived in NJ and dated a women who lived in Canada. She had a son so she would not leave Canada. He had a job that he could not leave. They dated for years, did a lot of great vacations together. After a decade of dating they married and lived between Canada and Florida... both going back and forth. It was they way they liked it.

I also have a very good friend who met a guy online in 1998. She lived in NM and he lived in CO. They dated long distance for years. Once her children were all out of high school, they married in 2014. They live in CO. She has consulting job in NM so she travels here for work a few times month. It works for them. Her children love him so they have become a good family.

Maybe you could not make up your mind yet. Go with the flow and see how it works out. Try meeting halfway. Try having him do a lot of driving. And try thing like Uber, or other transportation, that would work for you. If it does not work out, you will know soon enough.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> It can be hard to make a long distance relationship work. But at least you have known him as a friend and then dated locally for a while now. That's good.
> 
> I've seen some long distance relationships work.
> 
> ...


I agree! Who knows what could happen right? Lol 
Thanks for the stories and your advice! 😊


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I had a long distance relationship w/ my now H. We met online, lived 1100 miles apart, and after meeting that first time...saw each other in person every six weeks for about 14 months. He lived in the same town where he was born and raised, and raised his family. I was in a good place for a change of lifestyle. I am a teacher and knew I could find a job so that was a non-issue. I was also prepared w/ my own Plan B....just in case I moved 1100 miles and it did not work out. I was prepared mentally and financially to move on if I needed to. 

I also, during those 14 mos., asked myself frequently "any red flags?" "is this good for me?" .....Because I wasn't sure that I could trust myself, didn't want to overlook any bs, wanted to be able to trust him (emotionally I guess you'd say). I knew I had to figure this out by myself, and be smart about it. He was romancing me, "Courting" me....and I was trying to be very practical. It worked.  

It was a bit of a leap....but we talked every day, emailed, texted, skyped..... we communicated a LOT. I think that is what made it work. 

It's been 14 years since I've moved here. We've been married 10. Our blended family is awesome.It just really, really worked out wonderfully. We have 7 grown kids, and 16 grandkids now....most living in town here. All but one of my kids moved here after I did. They all get along, babysit for each other, celebrate together, do favors for each other, help when needed, etc....even all the inlaws, and to some extent the exes get along and are involved. Really, knock on wood! 

I just wanted you to know that it can work. We had a LOT of variables, (weird exes, delayed divorces, 7 kids in their tweens) but H and I really knew this could work. And it did. Communication is key.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

SunnyT said:


> I had a long distance relationship w/ my now H. We met online, lived 1100 miles apart, and after meeting that first time...saw each other in person every six weeks for about 14 months. He lived in the same town where he was born and raised, and raised his family. I was in a good place for a change of lifestyle. I am a teacher and knew I could find a job so that was a non-issue. I was also prepared w/ my own Plan B....just in case I moved 1100 miles and it did not work out. I was prepared mentally and financially to move on if I needed to.
> 
> I also, during those 14 mos., asked myself frequently "any red flags?" "is this good for me?" .....Because I wasn't sure that I could trust myself, didn't want to overlook any bs, wanted to be able to trust him (emotionally I guess you'd say). I knew I had to figure this out by myself, and be smart about it. He was romancing me, "Courting" me....and I was trying to be very practical. It worked.
> 
> ...


Wow what a great story!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want some more good ideas about how to make a long distance relationship work, it looks like there are some books about this. Here's a link to a list of them on amazon.





__





Amazon.com : long distance relationship






www.amazon.com


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> If you want some more good ideas about how to make a long distance relationship work, it looks like there are some books about this. Here's a link to a list of them on amazon.
> 
> http://[URL]https://www.amazon.com/s?k=long+distance+relationship&i=stripbooks&ref=nb_sb_noss[/URL]


Thank you! I will check into these. ☺
Sue


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Update-
So I’ve been over helping my guy get stuff ready for the move. He ended up signing papers for an apartment in Austin. Close to the kids and his new job.
That’s about 2 hours 30 min from where I’m located. He’s still stressed as he has a lot to do. We both talked a little about how things will work- not to a big degree, but yes we are willing and we will give it a go. I’m the type of person that wants a guaranteed but that’s not reality.
I did find out that there’s a thing called Megabus? In the area of my town that will take you to your destination ie: Austin, San Antonio, etc 
It’s not bad on prices, but with someone with eye issues and not being able to drive, it sounds do able.

I’ve not had the support from my friends that I thought I would have. It hurts, but it is what it is. Hearing stories of how many have occurred obstacles and still got together helps.

I am in the process of ordering some books to read as well. 😊

Thank you all for the advice and support.

Sue


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

You seem very happy with this person. I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you. 🤗


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Update-
> So I’ve been over helping my guy get stuff ready for the move. He ended up signing papers for an apartment in Austin. Close to the kids and his new job.
> That’s about 2 hours 30 min from where I’m located. He’s still stressed as he has a lot to do. We both talked a little about how things will work- not to a big degree,


Good. Anything you don't have to decide ahead of time, see what works for the two of you. 


> but yes we are willing and we will give it a go. I’m the type of person that wants a guaranteed but that’s not reality.


Correct. As for relationships in general.


> I did find out that there’s a thing called Megabus? In the area of my town that will take you to your destination ie: Austin, San Antonio, etc
> It’s not bad on prices, but with someone with eye issues and not being able to drive, it sounds do able.


Buses are cheap but often take longer, if they have stops btw your pickup and destination. But of course you can do stuff like read or listen to headphones or nap.


> I’ve not had the support from my friends that I thought I would have. It hurts, but it is what it is. Hearing stories of how many have occurred obstacles and still got together helps.
> 
> I am in the process of ordering some books to read as well. 😊
> 
> ...


Know thine own self. Try to know him, too. Then, be careful how much stock you put in other peoples' opinions about the two of you. Good luck!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> Good. Anything you don't have to decide ahead of time, see what works for the two of you.
> Correct. As for relationships in general.Buses are cheap but often take longer, if they have stops btw your pickup and destination. But of course you can do stuff like read or listen to headphones or nap.
> 
> Know thine own self. Try to know him, too. Then, be careful how much stock you put in other peoples' opinions about the two of you. Good luck!


All good advice- Thank you!


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> All good advice- Thank you!


And you’re right about what to indulge to friends. To whom I thought was my best friend- her comment was: Hope he can keep his winky in his pants, cause he won’t be seeing you often. I told her at one time that our sex was off the charts, and he’s like me- high libido and likes it often. Guess she decided to use that against me and tell me how she felt about it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> Update-
> So I’ve been over helping my guy get stuff ready for the move. He ended up signing papers for an apartment in Austin. Close to the kids and his new job.
> That’s about 2 hours 30 min from where I’m located. He’s still stressed as he has a lot to do. We both talked a little about how things will work- not to a big degree, but yes we are willing and we will give it a go. I’m the type of person that wants a guaranteed but that’s not reality.
> I did find out that there’s a thing called Megabus? In the area of my town that will take you to your destination ie: Austin, San Antonio, etc
> ...


Just FYI...I think my friends were kind of afraid that it wouldn't work out. That I might get my heart broke, or taken advantage of. They showed concern. After we got together, and ever since....they've been happy that we are happy! So maybe this is them showing concern for you. Seems like you are going in with your eyes wide open.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I’m trying!! In regards to your story- which I liked reading btw... did you have concerns about what my friend talked about? I don’t the ages you and your guy were.. I’m 46 and he’s 43. I do trust but I know how the mind works when you are away and things start to creep in that mind. We have in situations where during Covid, he was up with his kids and couldn’t come home for 2 months. We did a lot of videos and FaceTiming lol 😝


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> And you’re right about what to indulge to friends. To whom I thought was my best friend- her comment was: Hope he can keep his winky in his pants, cause he won’t be seeing you often. I told her at one time that our sex was off the charts, and he’s like me- high libido and likes it often. Guess she decided to use that against me and tell me how she felt about it.


If my friend thinks I'm making a mistake, I don't mind if he says so as long as it's in a tactful, concerned way. It sounds like your friend didn't do this.

I also don't mind if my friend decides it isn't worth the bother and lets the sleeping dog lie.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*"I’m trying!! In regards to your story- which I liked reading btw... did you have concerns about what my friend talked about? I don’t the ages you and your guy were.. I’m 46 and he’s 43. I do trust but I know how the mind works when you are away and things start to creep in that mind. "*

I was 43 and he was 48...and yes, w/ high libidos and lack of sex issues in both prior marriages. So ya, the thought crossed my mind. BUT....I was training myself to trust both myself and an SO. And I figured maybe he had the same thoughts about me. So ya, these are normal thoughts. At the time.... trying to figure out the future, what my future relationship should/might look like....I went with "The Serenity Prayer". I'm not especially religious....but that one is a good one to live by. Long story short...I didn't worry myself about it, and I was comforted and assured by our communications. 

Play it by ear....don't worry because your friend says things. Take your time and see how YOU feel about the whole distance thing. I'd guess that some people do better with it than others. Do what works for you.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

SunnyT said:


> *"I’m trying!! In regards to your story- which I liked reading btw... did you have concerns about what my friend talked about? I don’t the ages you and your guy were.. I’m 46 and he’s 43. I do trust but I know how the mind works when you are away and things start to creep in that mind. "*
> 
> I was 43 and he was 48...and yes, w/ high libidos and lack of sex issues in both prior marriages. So ya, the thought crossed my mind. BUT....I was training myself to trust both myself and an SO. And I figured maybe he had the same thoughts about me. So ya, these are normal thoughts. At the time.... trying to figure out the future, what my future relationship should/might look like....I went with "The Serenity Prayer". I'm not especially religious....but that one is a good one to live by. Long story short...I didn't worry myself about it, and I was comforted and assured by our communications.
> 
> Play it by ear....don't worry because your friend says things. Take your time and see how YOU feel about the whole distance thing. I'd guess that some people do better with it than others. Do what works for you.


☺☺ Thank You! Will do!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> I’m trying!! In regards to your story- which I liked reading btw... did you have concerns about what my friend talked about? I don’t the ages you and your guy were.. I’m 46 and he’s 43. I do trust but I know how the mind works when you are away and things start to creep in that mind. We have in situations where during Covid, he was up with his kids and couldn’t come home for 2 months. We did a lot of videos and FaceTiming lol 😝


Running into a TMI situation here, but this is TAM after all... 

At 46, any indications of menopause yet? Maybe that's already been discussed elsewhere and I overlooked it. What could potentially be a rude awakening is your guy seeing a significant change in your attitude towards sex sooner than he's ready for. I do feel a bit like a jerk for bringing this up by the way, but when you're in your 20s you don't have to think about such things. When you're in your late 50s for the most part you don't have to think about such things (because what you are, at each point in your life, is what you will be for a while, regarding levels of desire etc).

Are there reason why, if menopause hit you particularly hard, hormonal remedies would be out of the question? 

This isn't easy stuff to discuss, because who is to say that, whatever someone becomes after menopause, that's not what they're supposed to be? Why should we have to fit someone else's ideal? If you've had a very long term relationship, it's maybe easier to get past this sort of thing.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I’m not sure what your asking?
I think I’m Peri- which I’m experiencing the inconsistent bleeding and mood swings and crying spells. I was referring to my friend saying that he probably wouldn’t be able to keep it in his pants due that we wouldn’t be able to do it as much since we be 2 hours apart. Now, I do worry and get emotional maybe that’s the hormone part? LOL


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Update:
So in 2 days my guy will be in his new home, new job, and life lol!
We have seen eachother a lot this past week, and I’ve been helping him prepare, organize etc.

We had a nice dinner out the other night and I guess the wine I had made me really open and I got a bit emotional. He was very understanding and kept telling me that we have a connection and that I’m very important to him. I guess my insecurities got the best of me, and I retracted what I said and he said- Why do you do that?
You doubt yourself... I got weepy and said I’m just going to miss you.

He held me and we just cuddled all night. But it seemed he held me longer and tighter this time. Ever since that night, I haven’t been contacting him as much. Not because I don’t want to. Why do I self sabotage?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Perhaps look to your family dynamics - your parents and how you were raised and how they treated you. 

I self-sabotage, and I was raised by two very destructive people.



Sue4473 said:


> Why do I self sabotage?


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

Depending on who you ask, success rates aren't all that good but that isn't to say that it can't work out if there's equal effort on both ends.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

True. I just got emotional and I guess he was reaffirming my fears.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> Update:
> So in 2 days my guy will be in his new home, new job, and life lol!
> We have seen eachother a lot this past week, and I’ve been helping him prepare, organize etc.
> 
> ...


I don't think you are "self-sabotaging", I think you are self-PROTECTING...is it possible that with him leaving, and you feeling so insecure about it, that you are feeling unsure of what will happen, and how he really feels, so you are already putting up a wall to your heart in preparation for The Bad that you are expecting...??

The thing is, relationships - REAL, caring relationships - are about vulnerability...they are about being open and loving even when there is a risk of being rejected and being disappointed in the outcome. If you really want this relationship to work, you are going to have to operate outside that protective wall...because if you stay within that wall, you are asking him to do more work in the relationship to reach you, so you feel "safe" - you need/want him to prove or show you he still feels the same about you, by pursuing you more strenuously, which will help you feel reassured (but only temporarily).
That gets really tiring for most people who are past the first stage of a relationship!

If you start backing off from him, he might start to think it's because you don't want HIM anymore...is that the message you want to send...??


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

No and 


LisaDiane said:


> I don't think you are "self-sabotaging", I think you are self-PROTECTING...is it possible that with him leaving, and you feeling so insecure about it, that you are feeling unsure of what will happen, and how he really feels, so you are already putting up a wall to your heart in preparation for The Bad that you are expecting...??
> 
> The thing is, relationships - REAL, caring relationships - are about vulnerability...they are about being open and loving even when there is a risk of being rejected and being disappointed in the outcome. If you really want this relationship to work, you are going to have to operate outside that protective wall...because if you stay within that wall, you are asking him to do more work in the relationship to reach you, so you feel "safe" - you need/want him to prove or show you he still feels the same about you, by pursuing you more strenuously, which will help you feel reassured (but only temporarily).
> That gets really tiring for most people who are past the first stage of a relationship!
> ...


No and you’re so right! I tend to stay on the negative. With everything!
He’s the only man that honestly, I’ve been vulnerable and open with. He admitted that he really likes that and doesn’t want me to change that.

There’s no guarantee and life/love is a risk in all its entirety. But he’s worth it and us giving this a chance is worth it also:


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

The Outlaw said:


> Depending on who you ask, success rates aren't all that good but that isn't to say that it can't work out if there's equal effort on both ends.


My intuition was that long distance relationships have a poor success rate, but having had one that worked I'm not so sure. If there are any studies, I'd be curious.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> My intuition was that long distance relationships have a poor success rate, but having had one that worked I'm not so sure. If there are any studies, I'd be curious.


No doubt there are, I just haven't really looked into it. But the success rate would overall depend on the commitment of both parties. Given what's currently going on with everything, chances of a successful LDR at this point would be slim I'd think.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

The Outlaw said:


> No doubt there are, I just haven't really looked into it. But the success rate would overall depend on the commitment of both parties. Given what's currently going on with everything, chances of a successful LDR at this point would be slim I'd think.


Yeah...nothing but giggles and go for it on this thread. I just hope it works out better for her than it did for me. 11 years of my life down the toilet. I have no doubt that if we had dated or lived together the first year locally, I would never have married him. Took us years to sell the house and get out. Those years built a lot of hatred and resentment so there’s NC now and lots of bitterness. 


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