# When circumstances affect attraction...



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

Hello all. Fresh account here desperate for some advice.

I married my husband after only knowing him for a short time and I think the classic "he was one person before but changed after the marriage" happened. He was funny, outgoing, motivated, generally happy; someone I fell for instantly because we just clicked. The sex was a little off in the beginning but I told myself it'd improve since I'm very open about all that. We still had fun together regardless.

I was wrong about everything lol.

The first year of our marriage consisted of me trying to convince him I actually do love him. Every insecurity he ever had came out and was projected onto me, making me stressed, anxious and irritated constantly. The more I had to convince him, the less I started feeling it. He cried all the time, threatened to kill himself, was always sulking, was always smelly and surrounded by his own trash. Refused to get psychiatric help, saying he didn't need it, he just wanted me to reassure him more (I did this constantly but he insisted it wasn't enough). Basically, the more this went on the less attracted to him I got.

And the sex...it got so much worse. He can only do missionary position or he will lose his boner. Any other positions or sexual things cause him to lose it. If I try giving him oral, its gone. He enjoys giving me oral but is really bad at it, thinks slurping noises do something to me. He does not get hard doing it either; afterwards he spends several minutes sitting over me playing with himself trying to get hard. If I try to help he loses it. Once I got on top of him and he said men shouldn't be on the bottom (what???) Yes, I've told him how to do it (oral & other positions), many times, but he reacts with offense. Storms out of the room crying. Stays up the rest of the night pouting. I've tried explaining that missionary position is painful for me because his hips are big, and was met with 'I don't care'. He did try one new position once (nothing crazy he just sat up from missionary -_-) and immediately came and was done for the night. We've had a few talks about all this that just ended with crying and me being exasperated. 

The reason I mention all this is because now, a little over 2 years later, I just don't feel anything for him anymore. He's improved a bit in the attitude department, but after going through all of that I've lost all attraction to him. I still have to deal with his little fits once in a while and every time they happen I just wanna run out the door. We've had sex like 5 times in 2 years I think? I am often by myself in secret. I have a somewhat high sex drive and am finding myself reminiscing about exes who were actually good at sex, which feels awful. I could probably look past his mental issues if he had any hope of improving at sex but I don't even want to do it anymore unless I'm absolutely sloshed, because when sober the thought of it makes me tired and irritated again.

I know the obvious answer would be to just leave, but it's not that easy. I'd have to uproot my kid (not his kid, had him when I was young) from his school and basically start life all over again, and I feel like everyone would majorly judge me for this, esp considering the reason. Is it even socially acceptable to leave a marriage because the sex is terrible??
I should also add he said he would never see a counselor or a psychiatrist for this stuff either. 

Sorry for the text wall. I've been holding a lot in for a long time. -_- 

TL;DR: My husband changed mentally and sexually after marriage and I hate sex with him now. Is it acceptable to leave someone because of that? Am I the problem if I'm the one that lost attraction?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think the simple answer is that if you are no longer happy with your spouse and you have made every reasonable effort to find a way to fix things, then its is OK to leave a marriage.

Obviously we are only seeing one side of the story here, but it sounds like you have tried to fix things. Tried to let him know what you want, and what you want sounds reasonable to me. 

Yes you lost attraction, but that was an effect, not the cause. The cause is that his behavior changed. Its also true that you were hoping he would change for the better - but I think that is normal in marriage, and often people *do* change for the better. 

You will get input from other posters, but from my point of view, I think leaving is the right answer. It will make you happier I'm sure. It will probably make him happier - he can find someone who is a better match to him.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

Who rightly gives a rats ass what society thinks. If you're not happy with a mental husband who can't get it up, then do what is best for you.

You don't want to uproot your child from school. Fine hold out until summer. It allows you to get your ducks in a row, then bail.

One question. How did this person not show a single red flag that he possessed all these issues?

Its time for a righteous come to Jesus meeting with this wart. Shape the hell up or GTFO!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jesh.. Slurping noises?! Gonna have to talk to him and tell him. Give him a chance, he sounds lost though.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Bait n’ switch. 

This guy needs a “cheerleader”. Sucks all the happy out of OP and goes back to being pathetic and depressed. 

I told councilor that XH needed to be with someone more like himself. Councilor told me that XH would ALWAYS “need” someone like me to keep him happy. I told councilor that it would definitely not be me.

OP...don’t you feel more like his mother most of the time?

I could be wrong on this one but let’s find out 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Jesh.. Slurping noises?! Gonna have to talk to him and tell him. Give him a chance, he sounds lost though.


Hey, don't knock it until you try it. You never know how she will react. Lol. >


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Windwalker said:


> Hey, don't knock it until you try it. You never know how she will react. Lol. >




On that note, noises are great...and so are the vibrations they create 

ETA: MMMMMMMMmmmmmm


Hahahahaaa!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Elizabeth001 said:


> On that note, noises are great...and so are the vibrations they create
> 
> ETA: MMMMMMMMmmmmmm
> 
> ...


I'm all for noises but all I can think of is cup-o soup.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I'm all for noises but all I can think of is cup-o soup.




That makes me think of “slurp”. But that works too 

ETA: errr....for me but I get the op. I’m going to bed now. lol 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

When he tells you he doesn't care about sex being uncomfortable, yeah I'd leave.

And as far as normal yes it's normal. Just read over this forum and people are advised to leave all the time in sexless or unsatisfactory sex.

When people ask why you left you can answer that he just wasn't able to give you a loving compatible relationship. You don't have to give them sexual details.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You don't need anyone's permission. They don't live your life, you do. 

If you've tried and failed there is no shame in calling it quits. You can't fix other people.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You married a man you didn't know long, he turned out to be batsh!tcrazy, and he's the world's worst lay on top of that. If you stay, you're insane. Seriously, if I were gonna judge someone, I'd more harshly judge them for staying in such a mess and modeling that crap relationship for their kid than I would for them leaving.


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Talk about a turn off. Your husband is a wimp! I'm ALL for men being emotional being and sharing feeling etc, heck I encourage it, but DAMN storms out of the bedroom in tears? He really should have his T levels checked, seriously. If he won't go get help, then he's saying "screw your unhappiness". No one can stay in that situation and be happy. And Bad sex, especially YOUR level of bad sex, could rip anyone apart. "I don't care" you you said it's painful??? I would have punched him! (JK....not really). I had a wormy little man back in the day too.... BLECK.... RUN AWAY!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No boner?

No brainer.

From what you have described, you married a pathetic baby.

He has enormous mental/emotional and maybe even physical health problems and refuses to even try to get healthy.


Sorry but barring you getting out the leather, whips and restraints, I don't see a solution without dissolution.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BTW.

Stop having sex with him.

You don't even want the remote chance that manbaby will impregnate you.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Sorry but barring you getting out the leather, whips and restraints, I don't see a solution without dissolution.


This guy would probably run away crying and screaming at even the thought of this. He's barely a functional human being. I would say not even functional.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Windwalker said:


> This guy's would probably run away crying and screaming at even the thought of this.


That's why I included restraints in the menu.>


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> That's why I included restraints in the menu.>


Hell, if she's going to go to all that trouble, she might as well throw a binky/ball gag in the mess too.
:rofl:


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree that it sounds like you'd be much happier without your current husband. He may or may not be happier without you. He likely needs someone to bolster him and to feed his narcissistic tendencies. But that doesn't have to be you. And you cannot fix him. You cannot change him, control him, or save him. And it doesn't seem as if he's at all interested in fixing, saving, or changing himself. Do you honestly want to live like this, in this relationship, for the remainder of your life? Is your marriage the type you want to model as normal for your child? 

That said, once you are out of this relationship, you need to do some serious soul searching of your own, OP. No one can hide his level of crazy for an extended period of time. So, you either did not know him _nearly_ long enough before marrying him, or you ignored some pretty large red flags. Possibly both. Do an honest evaluation of the relationship, with the grace of time and distance, and figure out what red flags you missed, ignored, or were potentially even drawn to initially. What could you do differently next time so that you don't end up with another guy like your husband? What could you do differently so that, even if you did wind up with one, you wouldn't find yourself married to him? Work on yourself so that your 'picker' works a little better and you are healthy enough to avoid a repeat of this train wreck of a marriage.


----------



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> BTW.
> 
> Stop having sex with him.
> 
> You don't even want the remote chance that manbaby will impregnate you.


I have a good IUD, don't worry lol. Not that it'll happen anyway, he never ever tries anything with me. Or at least, what he does try doesn't do much for me, as it's usually just 'hey let's bang'. There is no passion. As of late I've been shutting him down often because the thought of having to lay under him while he comes and I don't disgusts me. Ugh, this is such a ****ty place I've gotten myself in. -_-


----------



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> OP,
> 
> Who rightly gives a rats ass what society thinks. If you're not happy with a mental husband who can't get it up, then do what is best for you.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Honestly, I think I know the right thing to do for myself, I just needed more opinions on it. Was hoping there was maybe something else I could do.


----------



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Jesh.. Slurping noises?! Gonna have to talk to him and tell him. Give him a chance, he sounds lost though.


I always tell him if I don't like something. He will get upset and quit. :|


----------



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Bait n’ switch.
> 
> This guy needs a “cheerleader”. Sucks all the happy out of OP and goes back to being pathetic and depressed.
> 
> ...


Yes, I do feel like a mother most of the time. After 2 years he is only just starting to clean up after himself a little bit, on top of the mental fits he has once in a while that I have to calm down. He's at least learned that what I say is pretty smart and calms down quicker; before he was impossible. But shoot, by now it's too late for me to care. A year of dealing with all this has burnt me out.

I've been with someone like this before and I should have waited longer to tie myself down to him. I'm full aware that I'm responsible for my own coming pain.


----------



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I'm all for noises but all I can think of is cup-o soup.


Yep ^
Or more like, he thinks it's like licking a lolli, with some slurping and heavy breathing added. It's bizarre...even unskilled men I've been with before at least knew how to do this lol. I don't think he's ever been with a girl that told him what he's doing is not okay.


----------



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

Saibasu said:


> Talk about a turn off. Your husband is a wimp! I'm ALL for men being emotional being and sharing feeling etc, heck I encourage it, but DAMN storms out of the bedroom in tears? He really should have his T levels checked, seriously. If he won't go get help, then he's saying "screw your unhappiness". No one can stay in that situation and be happy. And Bad sex, especially YOUR level of bad sex, could rip anyone apart. "I don't care" you you said it's painful??? I would have punched him! (JK....not really). I had a wormy little man back in the day too.... BLECK.... RUN AWAY!


I've suggested him getting checked at the doctor but yeah, gosh I never even realized how many times he's stormed out of the room till now. I've tried not thinking about it because I get anxious af.
I almost did punch him when he said that...it was in the middle of sex too. I told him I was in pain, he said 'I don't care' and I immediately went stone-faced and quiet. I have a bad habit of disassociating when men are borderline violent with me, and that just felt borderline violent. He finished. I'm so disgusted just thinking about it.


----------



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

Rowan said:


> I agree that it sounds like you'd be much happier without your current husband. He may or may not be happier without you. He likely needs someone to bolster him and to feed his narcissistic tendencies. But that doesn't have to be you. And you cannot fix him. You cannot change him, control him, or save him. And it doesn't seem as if he's at all interested in fixing, saving, or changing himself. Do you honestly want to live like this, in this relationship, for the remainder of your life? Is your marriage the type you want to model as normal for your child?
> 
> That said, once you are out of this relationship, you need to do some serious soul searching of your own, OP. No one can hide his level of crazy for an extended period of time. So, you either did not know him _nearly_ long enough before marrying him, or you ignored some pretty large red flags. Possibly both. Do an honest evaluation of the relationship, with the grace of time and distance, and figure out what red flags you missed, ignored, or were potentially even drawn to initially. What could you do differently next time so that you don't end up with another guy like your husband? What could you do differently so that, even if you did wind up with one, you wouldn't find yourself married to him? Work on yourself so that your 'picker' works a little better and you are healthy enough to avoid a repeat of this train wreck of a marriage.


Thank you. No, I do not want to live like this forever lol. I am only 30, I still have at least 10 good years of good sex in me, I cannot rot here under him. I already feel restless.
I know, I gotta recheck myself. I definitely did not date him long enough; we got married so we COULD date, if that makes sense. His job made it so we couldn't be together unless we were married, so I compromised I guess? I thought because I was 'empowered' and a good communicator I'd be able to get through any issues that quick marriages usually go through; and I also thought that because he had his life together that he would be mentally stable. His job doesn't allow people into it that aren't. I was stupid and naive. I will not ever get married again if this one ends, so no worries on getting stuck with another lol. Like my grandmother, I think the single life suits me best.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Bored&annoyed said:


> Thank you. Honestly, I think I know the right thing to do for myself, I just needed more opinions on it. Was hoping there was maybe something else I could do.


No problem. I hate to see anyone in marriage distress. There is plenty you can do, but with the amount of problems you describe, the chances of success are slim and none.

On top of that, you already carry a very large part of the relationship load. It's going to be a long and arduous journey. Only you can decide that you are capable of withstanding that.

The fact he said he didn't care that he was hurting you makes me want to punch him myself. That's the hallmark of a callous and abusive individual. 

I wish you the best on whatever you decide.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bored&annoyed said:


> I have a good IUD, don't worry lol. Not that it'll happen anyway, he never ever tries anything with me. Or at least, what he does try doesn't do much for me, as it's usually just 'hey let's bang'. There is no passion. *As of late I've been shutting him down often* because the thought of having to lay under him while he comes and I don't disgusts me. *Ugh, this is such a ****ty place I've gotten myself in.* -_-


As you move forward with your life you need to learn to forgive him and drop your anger toward him. Expending energy to actively punish him is not worth it.

And yes, you are part of the problem, which may help you in forgiving him as you move forward. As you said by marrying to quickly, you did partially get yourself into this.

Good luck and learn from your mistakes. Work on transforming yourself into a much better person.


----------



## dtc37 (Nov 18, 2014)

Sounds like Your husband is in real danger. Is he on any medication?? Is he a substance abuser?? If not Get him to a dr, a psychologist, urologist, If nothing comes of it get him and you a gym membership. If he is healthy and everything checks out then you have to leave but it sounds like he his unhealthy. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Bored&annoyed said:


> Thank you. No, I do not want to live like this forever lol. *I am only 30, I still have at least 10 good years of good sex in me*, I cannot rot here under him. I already feel restless.


Bahahaha!!!:lol: 

Oh, honey, no! "Old people" can have plenty of pretty great sex too! If you're 30, and you're taking care of your health and fitness _at all_, you have way more than 10 years of good sex ahead of you. I'm 41 and my SO is 49, and we're banking on at least another 20+ years of good sex. Wasting another ten years of your sexual self in this situation would be a damned shame, but another 30+ years? That would be criminal!


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Bored,

I would have been suspect of the quick courtship like he was hiding something, but we live and learn. 

Lack of sex can lead to a host of problems like a lowering of self-esteem, getting into affairs, a diminished sense of self-worth, a negative body image and etc so it's not something to joke about.

Does he prefer men, or does he have fetishes like blond hair that you can't fulfull, is he afraid of STD, is he in an affair, is he hiding his past?

To the question of is he in an affair, it could be non-obvious like if he is texting an ex of his who he believes is his soul mate. Or even some internet connection 2000 miles away.

Tamat


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I wouldn’t even bother chasing the “why”. It won’t change anything. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Bored&annoyed (Jan 9, 2018)

Rowan said:


> Bahahaha!!!:lol:
> 
> Oh, honey, no! "Old people" can have plenty of pretty great sex too! If you're 30, and you're taking care of your health and fitness _at all_, you have way more than 10 years of good sex ahead of you. I'm 41 and my SO is 49, and we're banking on at least another 20+ years of good sex. Wasting another ten years of your sexual self in this situation would be a damned shame, but another 30+ years? That would be criminal!


I mean, I know thats the norm, but at 30 I already feel tired 90% of the time. It's frustrating and I'm afraid I'm wearing out faster than most. -_-


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Bahahaha!!!:lol:
> 
> Oh, honey, no! "Old people" can have plenty of pretty great sex too! If you're 30, and you're taking care of your health and fitness _at all_, you have way more than 10 years of good sex ahead of you. I'm 41 and my SO is 49, and we're banking on at least another 20+ years of good sex. Wasting another ten years of your sexual self in this situation would be a damned shame, but another 30+ years? That would be criminal!


Amen!

I fully plan on rocking it out well past my 70s.
Come hell or high water!

Plan V (Viagra) or Plan P (popsicle stick splints)
:rofl:


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Bored&annoyed said:


> I mean, I know thats the norm, but at 30 I already feel tired 90% of the time. It's frustrating and I'm afraid I'm wearing out faster than most. -_-


You may find yourself much less tired when you're not married to a man who is, in every way, exhausting.


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

I have been a lurker here for a couple of years and feel that too many people are quick to suggest divorce. But girl, you need to get out of there. When you mention his job it sounds like he's military and the only way to see him daily was to marry and move onto base with him. That's all on you I'm afraid. I understand the position you felt you were in, but now you see the mistake of rushing things.

As Ronan alluded to, think of your child. Do you want him growing up seeing you're miserable relationship as normal? No matter how good his relationship may be with his step-father, it won't be good for him to see you waste away emotionally in a loveless marriage. And as Young at Heart suggests, there's no need to "Hate" him. Just a need to dissolve the marriage. You don't have to leave the School District - just get an off-base apartment.

Your 30's are going to be some of the best years of your life - don't waste it with this selfish babyman douche bag. If you had been with him for many many years and these mental problems arose, then it would be worth fighting for. If he was like this all along and just hid it well at first, then screw him and his little temper tantrums and soft d*ck.

And as you seem to be worried about what others will think in your small (?) community -
#1 - It's none of their Business
#2 - If they must know (like close family members) He's dirty, selfish, cries all the time and doesn't like sex with you.

None of that is shame on you. Get you're ducks in a row and move out.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

When I told my wife I wanted to marry her, I told her there were three things she must adhere to.

Great sex, no hard drugs addiction, and she must never hurt our children.

I am the only person in society who matters. So yes, it is socially acceptable to leave your marriage because the sex is bad.

Your sex life is bad because your husband does not love you. That is a fact. The bad sex is a symptom of something you refuse to acknowledge.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Bored&annoyed said:


> I am only 30, I still have at least 10 good years of good sex in me, I cannot rot here under him.


I'm 64 and my wife is 62 and we are just starting to slow down from having sex every day.

Get the right partner and you will be having great sex for at least another 40 years!


----------



## jim44444 (Sep 15, 2017)

@Bored&annoyed, 
It sounds like your H engaged in Bait & Switch maneuver to get you to marry him. Once the "I do" was spoken he let the real jackass loose. 

Quit chasing the 'Why' it will not ever matter. If does not matter if he is gay or asexual or depressed or addicted or screwing someone else or has mommy issues or was abused or any other of a million whys. The bottom line is he does not want to **** you. 

The only 'Why' worth chasing is why do you stay? Get counseling for you so you can get out for your happiness and to model for your son that a person should never tolerate any abuse, physical or emotional. 

Get legal advise before telling him you are leaving. Develop your exit plan. Do not let him know about your plan until you execute the plan. He is unstable and you should not tell him you are leaving until you do. Make sure you have someone else with you when you leave. Follow the advise of your lawyer.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Bored&annoyed said:


> Thank you. No, I do not want to live like this forever lol. I am only 30, I still have at least 10 good years of good sex in me, I cannot rot here under him. I already feel restless.
> I know, I gotta recheck myself. I definitely did not date him long enough; we got married so we COULD date, if that makes sense. His job made it so we couldn't be together unless we were married, so I compromised I guess? I thought because I was 'empowered' and a good communicator I'd be able to get through any issues that quick marriages usually go through; and I also thought that because he had his life together that he would be mentally stable. His job doesn't allow people into it that aren't. I was stupid and naive. I will not ever get married again if this one ends, so no worries on getting stuck with another lol. Like my grandmother, I think the single life suits me best.


what does he do for a living? military officer? police officer?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bored,
You seem rational, smart and self aware. From what you have posted so far - I don’t see you getting past the event described below. Nor should you. 

You can’t safely grow old with someone who thinks and acts like this. 




Bored&annoyed said:


> I've suggested him getting checked at the doctor but yeah, gosh I never even realized how many times he's stormed out of the room till now. I've tried not thinking about it because I get anxious af.
> I almost did punch him when he said that...it was in the middle of sex too. I told him I was in pain, he said 'I don't care' and I immediately went stone-faced and quiet. I have a bad habit of disassociating when men are borderline violent with me, and that just felt borderline violent. He finished. I'm so disgusted just thinking about it.


----------

