# What's a normal sexual marriage supposed to be like?



## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

There's gotta be somebody on this forum who has a normal happy marriage and who is sexually happy. I know the grass is always greener on the other side... so I know nobody has a perfect marriage.
So what's it like? Do you do things for each other on a constant basis. Do you go out on dates? do you have a sex schedule? or do you just start gazing in to each others eyes or what? Do you laugh and cuddle? what happens on a friday night after the kids go to bed? or what happens on a saturday morning when you sleep in and the kids are still sleeping? Forplay for a certain time?

My sexual marriage is broken. That's why I ask
(I'm not going to discuss a "poor me" story and therapy session. I've already done so in previous threads) I just want to hear from people who have success.

I would like to have a clue what your non-broken marriage is like and how things are initiated so I'll know what aim for and what is or isn't acceptable behavior etc.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

uncool said:


> There's gotta be somebody on this forum who has a normal happy marriage and who is sexually happy.


I am very happily married, and have a wonderful sex life with my wife.

We have sex between 2-4 times a week.



uncool said:


> So what's it like? Do you do things for each other on a constant basis.


What do you mean by things? We are physically intimate every day of our lives. We touch, we hold, we lie together, we kiss.

Occasionally I'll buy her flowers, or a card, for no reason. We cook for each other on a semi-regular basis. We always celebrate anniversaries (relationship and marital), and birthdays, and give gifts, and make plans.

We don't do a ton of additional "things" for each other on a day to day basis, and we never do anything with the express purpose of getting sex.



uncool said:


> Do you go out on dates?


Not nearly as often as she would like. Hopefully that will change this year.



uncool said:


> do you have a sex schedule?


Never. I abhor this practice.



uncool said:


> or do you just start gazing in to each others eyes or what?


Sometimes, yes. But when one of us wants sex, typically we just start touching the other's private parts.



uncool said:


> Do you laugh and cuddle?


Yes.



uncool said:


> what happens on a friday night after the kids go to bed? or what happens on a saturday morning when you sleep in and the kids are still sleeping? Forplay for a certain time?


We don't have children together.



uncool said:


> My sexual marriage is broken.


Very sorry to hear that.



uncool said:


> I would like to have a clue what your non-broken marriage is like and how things are initiated so I'll know what aim for and what is or isn't acceptable behavior etc.


We both initiate. It's unacceptable to me, as a man, to be expected to initiate all the time, or even the majority of the time. I need to feel wanted, and desired, just like my wife does. So we both initiate. And we also both are free to turn down, without consequence. But because, typically, we both want it about equally, we still manage to get plenty of sex in.

Our sex life is healthy because we have a strong marriage, we respect each other, she is an AMAZING wife, we have very potent chemistry (always have), and sex is vital to us both. Not vital to me, and she allows it, or puts up with it. It's _*vital to us both*_. So you don't have the typical scenario where a man is trying to "get" sex, and a woman is "allowing" sex. My wife is as hungry for sex as I am, and at times hungrier. She is deeply attracted to me, emotionally, and physically, and she craves sexual connection. She is highly aroused by being in a sexual relationship with me, and that goes a long, long way.

We made it very clear, long before marriage (we were together for 8 years before marriage, and best friends for 6 years before we ever got together romantically), what our expectations were within a marriage. We would never have wed if we weren't convinced that both of us saw good, frequent sex as a basic right of marriage.

We are very sexually compatible. That goes a long way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Married 21 years and we're happy. We also have sex 2-4 times a week. We do things for each other all the time. We are free to ask for what we want as well. We don't go on dates but that's due to lack of money (this will change soon). We spend a lot of time together though. We'll hole up in our bedroom or hang out while the kids are playing elsewhere.

There is no sex schedule in that we just go with the flow. Sometimes the mood will hit in the middle of the afternoon, in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. If we're feeling especially randy we'll have sex twice on that Saturday. It starts with a look, a touch or words.

We laugh and cuddle all the time. We can't keep our hands off each other. My husband loves to grope me playfully and you'll rarely see us together without us holding hands or sitting close to one another. We are a couple in love and it shows.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

uncool said:


> There's gotta be somebody on this forum who has a normal happy marriage and who is sexually happy.


I do not think there is a normal, as my wife and I got older 1-2 a week was normal, when we first got married it was once a day, sometimes twice a day.

FrenchFry put it very well, it can change and will change as your relationship matures. I think problems happen when you have a period when sex is not happening, I know I use to get grumpy. When I look back on my attitude I would not have wanted to have sex with me.

There are so many factors that can effect frequency of sex. The most important thing is to communicate and do it without getting angry or frustrated. TAM has reenforced to me that there are many frustrated women with HD. Some are matched with LD hubbies. The normal is what works for the couple, takes time and effort and it will not always match. When it does not match do not turn into a grumpy man. Then it just turns into a viscous cycle.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> ..I never saw a sexless marriage as something that is "ok," as in I use sex as a barometer of our marriage. If we aren't having it, something is wrong. If the sex is bad, something is wrong. If I'm avoiding sex, something is wrong and if I completely stop wanting sex with my husband period, I should let him go..


:smthumbup:

Mrs. Fry, I request permission to quote this and put it in my book. This is very wise statement.. realistic and to the point, while maintaining eloquence and elegance.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

for me, our marriage is broken all but the sexual part. I wish I had an answer for you. Sometime sex is not the problem, as both my H (who no longer lives at home and was talking with OW) and I both admit we still desire each other greatly and have not had a more satisfing partner in our lives.......

Sometimes it is so much deeper.............


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yep another happily married. Nothing is perfect but i love/lust for my husband. Been together 26 years...married 23 yrs. 3x sons.

We have a fun marriage mostly...lots of chat, jokes and laughter. We spend almost all our spare time together, we share interests and regularly go on dates... even if it's just a 'grown up picnic' at the beach.

We have sex 3-4 days a week but everyday we kiss and cuddle. We hold hands when we go out and just enjoy being with other. 

These days our boys stay up later than us at night so sometimes we have to put some loud shagging music on so they can't hear us... waaaay more embarrassing for them than us!

All in all... I am married to someone I look forward to seeing at the end of each day and spending the rest of my life with. There are of course days when he annoys me...as much as I annoy him no doubt but he is a great guy and I love him and feel loved by him. He's my best friend.


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## jennysmith (Jan 23, 2013)

normal is whatever you both need/like to be happy.
good communication on that = normal.

for me, 3-4 times a week is great. that's what we do and we are both very happy.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sex 2 - 4 times a week except when she's on her period then we have roughly a 5 day lull. I also travel on occasion and that will crimp the schedule, but overall I'd consider our sex life healthy.

We talk regularly, and we try to not always talk about the kids. IMHO, one of the pit falls of married couples with kids is to let the kids become "everything". We vowed to never be the couple that wakes up one day after the youngest is out of the house, look at each other, and wonder who am I really married to? We make sure to go out to dinner and dates just the 2 of us regularly - at a minimum once a month but more frequently as the kids get older. More so than not the sex is somewhat scheduled, but I think that's a part of dealing with kids. Sometimes we try to sneak off and have sex while the kids are still awake, so that makes us feel "young" like a teen couple...

But I think a healthy sex life is built on communication, joking around, spending time together and doing things together. 

This is a part of what makes our marriage healthy IMO.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sex when she is in the mood, maybe 1 - 2 times a month. If I push, maybe 1 time per week. Been like this since we got married. Up to me, sex every day or sex everytime either of us is in the mood and neither denying the other sex/intamacy.

If hubby never denies the wifee and vise versa, good communication, should be a great marriage. But if either deny their half, not good for the marriage, as shown in a plethera of posts here. Communication only goes so far, talk, then the rest must happen as well instead of more talk.......


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my "perfect" prob isnt your "perfect". we have sex [piv and oral] 5-7 times a week, but it could be 0 times a week, just depends. we have a lot of fun during sex, we just enjoy being together, its never serious, and no one gets mad if someone catches a case of the giggles--usually me--. 

we do not have any set time for sex.

we date weekly, some weeks if the timing allows maybe 3 dates. we do everything together, shopping for food, clothes, shoes, video games...we go to the mall a lot, we just about live at target, and best buy. we just go to look at the newest tv's, and hunt for the best movie deals. we talk about sex, its the opening line and usually the closer.

some dates are in house, where we watch one or two new movies, eat popcorn, usually some form of sex.

we spend a lot of time together, we talk about life, and dreams, hopes, the future, the past, we debate everything, we argue, we watch tv and movies, and discuss what it it was real, or how could this actually happen.

we always do things for one another, i would go without so he could have, and same for him. its always give and take....but you cant take more than you give.


we have 4 kids, and as long as they are outside playing, or at school, its a good time for sex. on the weekends we have a set way of time, i dont have to get the kids ready for school at 6am, so i can stay up later, we 9 times outta 10, just hang out longer, since its the weekend, and bars are open longer--not for drinking, but after water, large coffee, large red bull, within 3 hours, you want a bathroom--lol.

husband goes in early on sat, so fri nite is sleeping, we ususally get in around 3am, he dosent work on sundays, so saturday nite is like friday, but we try to engage sex since we both can sleep in. dosent always happen this way....plans change.

we have fore play all day long, there is always groping, and touching, and hugs, and heavy petting....

but thats just us, we have a 20 year history that have gotten us to this point. we are just really laid back, and dont sweat the small stuff--well maybe sweat for a minute, then move on.

we say things and do things that might not seem loving, or caring...we treat the other like a sex object at times,days after the birth of our oldest, my baby daddy came up to me and basically said, since we cant have sex, why dont you just suck it...i turned to him, and asked if i should put the baby down first.

he took the baby, put her to sleep, and i got undressed and got into bed....its funny now, and even then, didnt bother me. so, as i said, our "normal" or "perfect" dosent always fit with what other people would consider "normal" or "perfect".

you've got to find your own rhythm. your own groove. you have to set up your own dialog, and your own "couple language", and inside jokes...breaking down resentments, and getting through with old hurts. 

just lots of communication....


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

uncool said:


> So what's it like? Do you do things for each other on a constant basis.


We do. We don't keep track of it either. We both cook special dishes for each other. My husband will surprise me by bringing home little things he knows I like. Sometimes it's a desert that I love, sometimes it's a plant or a book or something from a store close to where he works. He pays attention when I made random comments about things I see in store windows or on TV. I don't always say "I want you to get that for me" He understands "women speak".  
I do little things for him too from getting him his favorite snacks or giving him some time off to go do his guy things. He's very neat and tidy so I make sure when I'm cleaning (we take turns) that I keep the rooms clutter free. We both call each other or text each other regularly when we're at work. Sometimes he'll send me a simple text "I love you". I do the same for him. Just now as I was typing this he called me to see how I was doing. It's usually a quick call to check in with each other, see if everything is ok.

We don't do these things to get sex. We do these as an expression of love. I'm also not one of those women who needs help cleaning the house or washing the dishes in order for me to be in the mood. Household help and sex aren't linked in my brain. A dirty house doesn't turn me off from sex. 



uncool said:


> Do you go out on dates?


Yes, we do. We are really lucky that we have family who live near our home so we have willing and free babysitters who will babysit for us. We try to go on about 2 dates a month. Sometimes it's to a film, sometimes just hang out at a favorite restaurant, sometimes we meet other couple friends... there's nothing set. We do what we both agree we want to do that date night. The important thing is that it's child free and we get to be a couple the way we were before children entered our lives.



uncool said:


> do you have a sex schedule?


No schedule but it averages 2-4 times a week. We both initiate. I wouldn't say one of us initiates more than the other. In the long ago past, he would initiate more often but since I came to my late 30s, I'm at the same level as far as frequency. We are very compatible sexually and he's very good in bed. 



uncool said:


> Do you laugh and cuddle?


YES! We laugh all the time. Every single day. Our sense of humor is what keeps us going. Despite some really serious challenges in our lives, we've managed to stay cheerful and together. We can tease each other gently and find humor in situations. We find the same things humorous. It really helps to have someone who doesn't take themselves seriously, but at the same time, isn't a joker all the time either. 
We cuddle pretty regularly. It's natural for me to fall asleep holding his hand. We touch each other in nonsexual ways all the time - hugging from behind, holding hands, putting our arms around each other.



uncool said:


> orwhat happens on a friday night after the kids go to bed? or what happens on a saturday morning when you sleep in and the kids are still sleeping?


Friday evenings we might go out on a date night if we have a relative willing to babysit. If not, we hang out in our living room talking, laughing, sharing. We talk about things friends said, things I've read on TAM, funny things that happened at work or on the commute. We talk politics, books, current events...just whatever. Sometimes we cook a dish together or we might order takeout from a nearby restaurant. Friday nights are our time. We like to hang out with each other. At the risk of giving people reading this cavities from all the sweetness in my post, I'll say he's my favorite person to spend time with.

On Saturday mornings he tends to sleep in, I let him. I make breakfast and coffee. I'll bring it to him in bed. He does the same for me. If he gets up before me, he'll make breakfast and bring it to me. Our kids get up early so there's usually no "while the kids are still sleeping" time for us.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

this is an awesome post and it's great to read all the responses. I have an amazing marriage and these responses make me want to try harder to have a better sex life.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You take care of her reasonable sexual needs and she takes care of your's. You put her needs above your's and she puts your's above her's. Selfishness is incompatible with marriage.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> You take care of her reasonable sexual needs and she takes care of your's. You put her needs above your's and she puts your's above her's. Selfishness is incompatible with marriage.


that would be soooo nice


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Thanks for these awesome posts you guys!. I can "feel" the happiness and honesty in each of your posts.
How could you possibly NOT have a happy life or a happy day married to these types of spouses. You guys are very blessed and lucky. These posts are exactly what I was looking for. Thank you again! God bless.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Can I just say that I'm jealous of all of you?  What you describe is what I imagine what my life would be like if I could have my version of an ideal marriage. But I don't.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

First off we have fun with each other. 

Secondly we understand each other very well. I know her turn ons and offs and she knows mine. 

She LIKES conflict and competition. So I find constructive ways to provide that. 

Part of what turns her on is her inability to get me wound up, combined with my teasing and provoking her so that she gets physically aggressive and then I overpower her. 

But the teasing isn't nasty, it is clever/funny/mocking in a playful way.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

First of all, we are all broken people so no marriage is perfect. We got married at 15 & 16 so early on we did not have a great marriage. But we kept working on our marriage and our own selves to become emotionally healthy. I tell you this because what I am about to describe is a result of 40 years of hard work.

Yes we do things for each other on a constant basis. I help keep the house clean, she makes special meals for me, we tell each other, "I love you" often, and we treat each other with dignity and respect.

We don't have a regular date night, but since our kids are grown we really don't need to. However, we regularly take romantic trips. It may be a drive, a picnic in a secluded area, or a night at a B&B. We always go away for a romantic vacation once a year to a beach. The sex is always the best on those trips...no responsibilities and an entire week of touching, talking, kissing, etc.

Lately our sex has been somewhat scheduled because it seems that the only time we have had is on the weekends. Friday nights we may cuddle on the couch naked, watch a movie, then make love, or it might be sleeping in on Saturday morning and the morning cuddling leading to sex. Regarding foreplay, I am the one who needs it more than my wife, but foreplay can start in the morning with a passionate kiss before we leave for work.

Above all we are best friends. We enjoy spending time together and we have a deep level of intimacy in our relationship. I would like to have sex more than twice a week on the weekends, but it is probably more my fault than hers. All I need to do is initiate and she would most likely respond. I am the one who most often initiates, because she has, like many women, responsive desire. This means that sex is not on the front of her mind like it is mine. She may even start sex in "neutral." Her desire comes after we get started. 

I feel like we have a healthy marriage.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

uncool said:


> There's gotta be somebody on this forum who has a normal happy marriage and who is sexually happy. I know the grass is always greener on the other side... so I know nobody has a perfect marriage.
> So what's it like? Do you do things for each other on a constant basis. Do you go out on dates? do you have a sex schedule? or do you just start gazing in to each others eyes or what? Do you laugh and cuddle? what happens on a friday night after the kids go to bed? or what happens on a saturday morning when you sleep in and the kids are still sleeping? Forplay for a certain time?


I am very happy with our sex life, and she says the same. We have sex three or four times a week and it is always spontaneous. I have never and would never schedule sex, or think about how much time foreplay should last. I have never 'asked' for sex as so many people seem to. I would hate any form of negotiation or planning in our sex life. The idea of timing, measuring, scheduling or quantifying anything to do with sex creeps me out. 

For us it just happens. Although sometimes we decide to watch porn together on a Friday night and that always ends in a long, kinky session. That is as close to planning as I am willing to go.

Sometimes I will start touching her and kissing her neck and she will say she can't/doesn't want to have sex, but that is quite rare. 

Our sex itself is always different and unpredictable. Sometimes I am dominant, sometimes she is. Sometimes it is loving and gentle, sometimes it is hard anal rutting (sorry if that is TMI). 

I think it is important not to allow yourself to be hung up, inhibited or contrived. Of course you need to trust one another, emotionally speaking that is, otherwise insecurities will come along and destroy your confidence and spontaneity - vital ingredients for a healthy sex life.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

I'm sorry to say that our sex life is almost non-existent. We have 3 kids that take WAY too much of our emotional and physical time and energy. Maybe once a month all our kids will have somewhere to go overnight. To me these nights should be taken advantage of, and I plan accordingly. But it rarely seems to happen. 
I noticed most responded that sex is not scheduled. Is it "scheduling" sex to think that on our birthdays, anniversary, or a date night that sex might be a significant likelyhood? After 12 years of marriage I still find myself very disappointed when those special occasions don't lead to sexual bonding. 
Needless to say, I can't be added to the list of fulfilled marriages from those who responded to this thread.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

JustPuzzled said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> These folks know what it's about! I will miss my kids when they move out but, cuddling naked on the couch on Friday night??? So awesome!
> 
> And about the "responsive" thing, my wife has said that she is the same way. She has said that it is a bit like skiing. We live near a ski hill (tough, I know) and she has said that it sometimes seems like getting ready to ski is a chore - but she says that once we are ready to ski she always loves it. Kinda like sex.


Our kids have been gone long enough that although we miss them, we don't miss having them in the house. Not only can we cuddle naked on the couch, we can be naked and have sex anywhere, any time including the back yard at night.

Here is a great article regarding female responsive desire.

Do You Understand Female Sexual Desire? | Psychology Today

It used to really bother me that my wife rarely initiated. Once I understood what was talked about in the article, I realized that it was nothing personal. I initiate, she responds, it's all good.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Leading Man said:


> I'm sorry to say that our sex life is almost non-existent.... blah blah


ok guys lets try not to change the awesome flavor of this thread!

don't post about negative sex in this thread (that's what 99% of the other threads on this forum are for) 

This is a thread about happy successful marriages


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

My wife and I had sex first thing this morning - in spoon position. Why? Because it was a time when I knew the kids wouldn't be barging into the room. On Tuesday night of this week, me and the missus were getting busy - around 9 pm. All the kids were up but they normally occupy themselves either watching TV, computers, IPADs, IPODS, etc. Well...that night we had the kids barge into our room 4 times while were were in the act. To head off the obvious question: the lock on our door needs to be fixed, so it's easy to "break" through the locking mechanism on the handle so it is a weak deterrent for kids entering. Fortunately, we use the spoon position when we want to have sex while the kids are up and under covers so they can't see that we are blatantly having sex. 

The moral to the story is that as much as we may want to have the spontaneous, hot and wild sex that comes out of the blue, we cannot expect this as typical. Having kids means you have to be creative and secretive, plus you have to occasionally do it at unusual hours. So, to a certain extent sex for us tends to happen as if we are scheduling it. It doesn't mean that we don't get great enjoyment out of it, but it is our reality until the kids get older and don't need to see mom and dad all the time. We will have some wild sex but usually we have pleasurable sex that is more of us reconnecting as husband and wife as opposed to wild, lustful monkey sex. Yes, we do have that but based on timing we're lucky to have this type of sex 2 to 4 times a month. 

I love my kids, but sometimes they can really suck too...


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