# General thoughts please - so confused!!



## Confusedman.com (Oct 13, 2014)

Please help me to understand this situation I am in, because I am at a loss for what to do.

I have been with my wife for 22 years – married for 16 years. We met very young. We are both nearly 40. We have 2 children, daughter aged 10 and a son aged 7. Everything was brilliant in our lives, we live in a lovely home, fantastic holidays and have a great circle of friends.

We found out she was pregnant with our son in 2008. We were over the moon – or so I thought. A few weeks later she came home and told me that she had been for an abortion that day but couldn’t go through with it. I was devastated. She said she felt that she couldn’t handle having another child and she didn’t want to affect her career progression. The 2nd baby was something she really wanted and we even went on a holiday along to help make that happen! The next day she told me that she had been stupid and she wanted to have the baby. After giving birth to our son and completing her maternity leave, she was contemplating returning to work.
She was dreading the corporate work life again so we jointly decided to set her up in her own business. We took equity out of the house and she was all set up with her dream business. It was an incredibly difficult time, the economy worsened and she was working most evenings and weekends. I looked after the children virtually every weekend with no help from family (my family are a 5 hr drive away – hers didn’t offer any assistance to her or me). I was in a high pressure job that I hated with a 1.5hr drive to and from work. I supported the household with my salary and there wasn’t much left over at the end of the month. She was only able to earn a tiny salary from her business. We were both working extremely hard with very little benefit – it wasn’t turning out how we had planned. She used to come in from work exhausted, I was also exhausted with my job and then looking after 2 young children every weekend. My friends used to be out enjoying their weekends, and I felt resentment that I couldn’t do the same. But perhaps more that everything we did was either me with the children on my own, or her with the children on her own to give me a break.

Then a few years ago, I decided that enough was enough with my work and I set up my own business too. I’ve worked very hard and luckily my business has flourished. There appeared to be a lot of jealousy from her with comments like “well its alright for you, your business is successful, mine is a failure.” I never made her feel this way and only ever supported her telling her what an amazing person she was and that it is just the recession that is the problem. She also felt I was rubbing her nose in it - I wasn't. We began to bicker and snap at each other, we never had massive rows though but we both wanted to be the one to have the last word. It seemed to be a competition with her over who worked the hardest or did the most – and I could see that I stood no chance of winning..

Things came to a head 2 years back when she started training for a marathon. Not only was she working all the time (6 days a week at this point) but whenever she wasn’t, she was training. I felt that I was just being used as a childminder all the time (as well as doing the washing and tidying up after the kids) and I’m afraid to say that I wasn’t very supportive with her training. When she was at home she just sat looking at her phone – Facebook / Candycrush / texting etc. She would even do it around the dinner table and even when we had friends over – it drove me mad! I used to think just how damn selfish she had become I made a comment that was blown out of all proportion and she went crazy at me calling me selfish and not supportive, which I thought was very unfair. We discussed our feelings and she decided to only work every other Saturday so we could concentrate on being a family at least one day a week. Her business wasn’t improving so she decided to go back to her corporate career 3 days a week . The money was amazing and she started to pay back equity we had taken out of the house 6 years ago. She had a manager in her business 3 days per week so she could do both. 

My mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness in 2012 which really knocked me sideways. I was a 5 hr drive away from her and tried to get to see her whenever possible whilst juggling business and children. She passed away 12 months later and I was obviously devastated. I was a horrible person throughout this period (and as I subsequently realised for a good year leading up to this – probably due to work pressures and not having any down time at weekends) and I am ashamed of that now. I had a very short fuse especially with our children and frequently shouted at them. I was the discplinaranian in our house, my wife let them walk all over her. I started to feel like an outsider in my own home, it seemed to be me versus her and the children all the time. I was so alone. We were making each other miserable.

I had some time alone (with her blessing) and went to see a friend in New Zealand in April for 3 weeks. I wanted to get my head straight. I missed her and the children so much whilst I was away and was determined to come back a better person. I realised what a horrible person I was to be around. Looking back I was depressed. When I got back I sat her down and told her everything. Nothing could prepare me for what she said next. She said that she realised just how much better it was without me around and she felt a completely different person. She had met a friend of hers for coffee (a divorce solicitor) and she knew what she was entitled to if we split up – she went into a lot of detail about it! I was shell-shocked and a broken man. She said she didn’t love me and had despised me for the last year and started to dislike me early than that – for the last 6 years in fact since our son was born she said. She said she couldn’t even bear to be in the same room as me! I immediately offered to move out but she said no – she didn’t want me to go. We would both try our hardest to make it work. She said she wanted no intimacy with me whatsoever as it upset her too much and stressed her out. 

I asked her to consider us going to counselling which we did. It was pretty horrible hearing what she said about me, hearing that she shut her mind off whenever we had sex in order to deal with it (I never pushed her into anything and she always initiated it) – she said she felt she had to initiate to keep the peace. She kept saying sorry to me all the time and that she cared so much for me but just felt numb. We got everything out in the open which was pretty awful. The one thing she learned was that she was never going to hide her feelings again as she often used to. She said I used to be her only best friend in the world but I ruined it being so grumpy all the time.

We are now 9 months on. Getting on really well (her words) and she is happy with how we are with eachother. She said she no longer dislikes me and likes to spend time with me. She said she has forgiven me. We never bicker and the occasional crossed word is just dismissed so we can move on. She closed her business a month ago to concentrate on her corporate work. I do more with the children and even more for her around the home. We go to the gym together, we laugh and we have time to talk about our day whilst relaxing in the evening. I wasn’t looking forward to our wedding anniversary in June one bit, but I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers and a card. Her card to me had the words “here’s to many more to come!”.
We talk about future holidays, birthdays Xmas etc as if there is nothing wrong. She rarely looks at her phone any more which I think is a positive step. We discipline the children jointly and stand firm together so they don’t get confused. Everything is just so normal. She even bought me an expensive jumper last week as she said it would suit me. BUT, she stills says her feelings for me have gone, she cares for me more than I will ever know but there is nothing else there. We talked last week and I offered to leave again which I don’t want to and she asked me not to. She said she doesn’t want me to leave and is petrified of me not being there for her and the children. I asked her to consider more counselling but she says she has come as far as she can with it.

We still kiss every morning when I leave, every night when I come home, whenever we say goodbye and when we go to sleep. She still undresses in front of me and never locks the bathroom door and doesn’t cover herself up when I walk in (I always knock first) We occasionally hold hands and we have “bedroom activity” every couple of weeks (no kissing though) but she says full sex is not ever likely to happen ever again. She has a mental barrier against that happening. We sleep in the same bed as we have done though out this ordeal. I want to be close to her and she doesn’t push me away when I cuddle her in bed. She occasionally puts her arm around me to but not very often. Her text messages to me are nearly always followed with kisses.

After 22 years I still find her attractive and she said she is flattered that I do. We have never been unfaithful to each other and she says she has no desire to be with another man. She was raised through 2 broken marriages and she said she would never put herself or our children through that if she can help it. She said if she wanted me to go she would ask me to – no question and that she would stay in our home with the children but she doesn’t want that.

Most importantly, I have recognised where I went wrong in the past and I have changed for the better. I don’t think it’s been all my fault but she would largely disagree saying that she has just reacted to how I’ve been with her and has become a harder more independent person because of it.

So I have 2 choices. I accept our marriage for what it has now become with no real intimacy, love or affection (from her) or I leave to start afresh on my own. The latter terrifies me. I have no family close by that I can rely upon and I really would be alone for the first time in my life. I also cannot bear the thought of not being with her and our children and the thought of seeing her with another man destroys me. I still love her. She is my best friend and my soul mate as well as being my wife and the mother of our 2 wonderful children. Could she give me more given more time? I honestly don’t know! We’ve come along way already and started to turn things around. We are happier than we’ve been in years and financially things are very good so it seems crazy to give up now. We have the chance to be happy again – albeit on her terms. I just get the impression that she doesn’t really know what she wants and no matter what I do its never going to be enough. I have told her all this and she says she just doesn’t know how to move forward from where we are now.

I am at a crossroads!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Confusedman.com said:


> We still kiss every morning when I leave, every night when I come home, whenever we say goodbye and when we go to sleep.
> We occasionally hold hands and we have “bedroom activity” every couple of weeks (no kissing though) but she says full sex is not ever likely to happen ever again. She has a mental barrier against that happening.
> I want to be close to her
> She occasionally puts her arm around me to but not very often.


This doesn't sound much like a marriage, rather more like roommates. Sexual expression, intimacy, kissing, touching are all crucial for a healthy marriage. She has taken that out of the equation.

You say that otherwise, you are happier than ever. Can you live like roommates for the rest of your life? Only you know the answer to that question. Personally, I couldn't.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yep. Lack of sex, by itself, is reason enough to leave a marriage. Sounds like you need some more MC.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Follow the instructions here to rule out an interloper.

Allow me to respond for you: "I know her she would never cheat on me." That's what most betrayed spouses say before they investigate.

Do you want to save your marriage? If there's a third person involved nothing you can do will save your marriage until that person is removed. I wouldn't bet on it in this case but you need to make sure.


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## Confusedman.com (Oct 13, 2014)

Thanks NF.

I know for a fact there is no one else involved.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Confusedman.com said:


> Thanks NF.
> 
> I know for a fact there is no one else involved.


Excellent! How about sharing your methods so others can use them too.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

If your wife is content with not loving her husband and never having sex again, that's her choice.

No healthy man should ever settle for crap like that though. Signing up for a slow sexless death is not your idea of 'life' is it?

btw, she almost certainly cheated on you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, you wrote a very long and thoughtful post.

Just curious, why have you ditched on your thread? Perhaps you read the little bit of advice you received and moved on? Your issue seems complicated. Have you solved your problem that quickly?

I have never understood why people don't come back... :scratchhead:


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