# Is my marriage near the end?



## Tayla (Nov 8, 2021)

A friend told me about this site to get valuable feedback on relationship topics.

Has anyone gotten to the point of their relationship/marriage where it seems the other half has stopped growing or simply don’t care?

I’ve been in my relationship for over 10 years. I feel that my spouse is not trying to grow with me. I feel as if he is complacent with life right now. We are both in our 30’s, both have decent jobs and no kids. I want us to be able to save money together, have kids in the future, and buy a home. I feel that he has pumped the breaks on life or truly going throw mid-life crisis.

Not to completely get off topic, my spouse continues to tell me, “I AM TOO EXPENSIVE!”
I don’t know what that means. I can honestly say, I don’t ask him for anything. Anything I want, I get because he will not. He would ask me the things I want or like but never delivers. If he wants something, I deliver!

I’m almost at the point I want to give up on us. I feel that we are no longer growing in our relationships and in our personal lives. He’ll say things like: wanting to get into the military, or go back to school, or try for another position at work, or start a business and so on. He’s all talk, but never goes through with anything. He gets mad with me if I job hop, but I’ve never had any job gaps. I’ve been in the same job industry for 11 years.

I feel he doesn’t like change or knows how to adapt to changes.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

He's easily contented. 
He's not likely going to change, because he doesn't see the need to change.
Most easily contented men don't change. 

He will be like this when he's in his forties and fifties, unless he gets an earthquiake level change in his mentality. 
Not all men are marriage material. Real men want to rise up as high as they can in a career, to be at the top of the pack.


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## Tayla (Nov 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> He's easily contented.
> He's not likely going to change, because he doesn't see the need to change.
> Most easily contented men don't change.
> 
> ...


I am starting to see that. I often tell him to take advantage of his thirties and to try or do whatever it is he dreams of. I don’t ever want him to regret not doing something earlier in age when he gets older and vice versa.

We had many conversations about our future but it’s left at that, a conversation! For example, we talk about having children. He is the only man I’ve tried having a kid with but for 10+ years, nothing has happened. He won’t even go to the doctors to see if his junk is functioning properly. At least go check to see if you’re infertile or not so we know what we’re up against. I think I’m ok without having kids, but he’s the one who brings it up often. I just want to be met in the middle sometimes. I often feel that I am the person who always take care of business and it’s getting old.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your bio clock is ticking louder in your ears but your husband is still dreaming of what he’s going to do when he grows up. Is he able to provide or are you carrying more of the financial burden? If he’s making ok money but is just always talking about doing more but not pursuing those ideas, is that a deal breaker? Would you feel better if he was just maximizing what he was currently doing without the talking about wanting to do other things? I’m trying to understand if your problem with him is that he keeps talking about doing more and not doing it or that you feel that what he is currently doing is insufficient to be with you. 

Basically are you tired of his all talk no action or are you wanting the bigger better deal? Both are ok but if it’s the ladder, be honest that it’s you and not him.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> *Not all men are marriage material. Real men want to rise up as high as they can in a career, to be at the top of the pack.*


If a guy doesn’t prioritize his career or business, he’s not marriage material? The great majority of men take pride in their work and in providing for their family but are not going to be able to rise to the top nor even want to. Are you saying only those that do are worthy husbands? The great majority of men who perform the work that REAlLY makes this country run are not going to be high payed professionals but I would think those men could be just as good of a husband.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Op I married someone who let's life happen to them, where I am more like you, I urge you to try and appreciate that not everyone is a go getter, or get out. The frustration gets worse as you get older I assure you, if you can't accept and be happy about your fundamental differences it will make you unhappy in the long run


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

You say 'relationship'. Are the two of you married?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tayla said:


> A friend told me about this site to get valuable feedback on relationship topics.
> 
> Has anyone gotten to the point of their relationship/marriage where it seems the other half has stopped growing or simply don’t care?
> 
> ...


I think that is completely on topic, to be honest. What does he mean by that? Is it a joke? It's quite a mean thing to say, really.

You have kept your marriage alive, but besides talk, what does he do?

*"He’ll say things like: wanting to get into the military, or go back to school, or try for another position at work, or start a business and so on. He’s all talk, but never goes through with anything."*

You need to look at what you went the next 20 years+ of your life to be like. Do you see him in it or not?


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## Tayla (Nov 8, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Your bio clock is ticking louder in your ears but your husband is still dreaming of what he’s going to do when he grows up. Is he able to provide or are you carrying more of the financial burden? If he’s making ok money but is just always talking about doing more but not pursuing those ideas, is that a deal breaker? Would you feel better if he was just maximizing what he was currently doing without the talking about wanting to do other things? I’m trying to understand if your problem with him is that he keeps talking about doing more and not doing it or that you feel that what he is currently doing is insufficient to be with you.
> 
> Basically are you tired of his all talk no action or are you wanting the bigger better deal? Both are ok but if it’s the ladder, be honest that it’s you and not him.


I would like it if he follows through with at least one thing he says he going or wanting to do. Financially we are comfortable. We split the bills down the middle. He blows whatever is leftover as I choose to save anything that is leftover. I guess me are in two different maturity levels in life.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Tayla said:


> Not to completely get off topic, my spouse continues to tell me, “I AM TOO EXPENSIVE!”
> I don’t know what that means. I can honestly say, I don’t ask him for anything. Anything I want, I get because he will not. He would ask me the things I want or like but never delivers. If he wants something, I deliver!


it probably means he wants to be able to save more money, especially in these hard economic times, but he can not seem to do it.
he wonders if he had a new job, if his salary could go way up, etc.

i suggest you start investing. Do you own any stocks? Have a 401k plan?
You should take some money each month and invest it in the stock market. You can now buy fractional shares...so it does not have to be a lot of money each month. but you need to do it, without fail. Start off on more conservative stocks that are lower risk. If you do a little each month, in little time at all you will be pleasantly surprised with a big nest egg.

if you do not invest, how will you be able to counter the upcoming massive inflation that is inevitable with government spending like drunken sailors?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Tayla said:


> I guess me are in two different maturity levels in life.


You are at two different ambition levels. 

Ambition does not always equal maturity.

There are greyhounds and there bulldogs. 

A bulldog won’t win any dog races but they make great companions that lay at your feet on the porch. 

Greyhounds run real fast but generally don’t make good watch dogs or dogs that just sit and chill with you. 

Neither are inherently good or bad dogs, they just serve two different purposes.

The catch is you can’t transform one dog into another. You have to determine what tasks and functions you want the dog to perform and then acquire one accordingly.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Tayla said:


> I would like it if he follows through with at least one thing he says he going or wanting to do. Financially we are comfortable. We split the bills down the middle. He blows whatever is leftover as I choose to save anything that is leftover. I guess me are in two different maturity levels in life.


Having a spouse that is your opposite can help balance out the relationship from extremes. 2 impulsive people might live a passionate life but could lead each other off a cliff. While a cautious career obsessed couple may have a lot of material success and be the envy of others but end up with no passion for each other. We have SO MANY threads of BHs who are the types to sacrifice themselves into their career or business to provide for their wife and children to end up being betrayed by a wife who cries about not feeling loved. Most times, these women are having affairs with guys that are way below their husband’s socioeconomic level. 

I guess you have to search inside yourself if your husband is enough. If you’re needing the bigger better deal, you better divorce ASAP. Just be warned that not many 30 something alpha successful go getter types looking to wife up 30 something divorcees. These type of guys usually can get the most attractive single women in their 20s, unless your talking about those that are only a catch financially but I have a feeling you’re expecting to find a guy who is both financially successful as well as being “sexy” confident.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Tayla said:


> I would like it if he follows through with at least one thing he says he going or wanting to do. Financially we are comfortable. We split the bills down the middle. He blows whatever is leftover as I choose to save anything that is leftover. I guess me are in two different maturity levels in life.


Have you had a candid discussion with him about this and that you are worried your paths are heading in different directions that could end in divorce?

You also have a marriage dynamic that is foreign to me. My wife and I have always had joint accounts. All our money is pooled together and we decide together what we will do with it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There was an article a few months back where Tom Brady’s wife was being interviewed. And in that interview she was complaining about Tom Brady....... that’s right TOM BRADY.

She was complaining about his training and game schedule and complaining about him being gone a lot and that he wasn’t helping much around the house or with the kids etc etc.

If one ever needed proof that some people can never be satisfied, that is it.

I would bet good money she has even ragged on him that he did not push for a better contract and that he could do better getting more $$ out of his seasonal contract if he would just try harder.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Tayla said:


> A friend told me about this site to get valuable feedback on relationship topics.
> 
> Has anyone gotten to the point of their relationship/marriage where it seems the other half has stopped growing or simply don’t care?
> 
> ...


There's an old aphorism: "A man marries a woman hoping she won't change, a woman marries a man hoping he will"

I see 3 things in your post.

So First. What drew you to him? Why did you pick him as the man you wanted to spend life with? The things you love about him? Has he changed from the man you first said "yes" to?

Second. Finances. Your finances are completely separate? Some here would recommend that. I'm not one of them. I think that if you separate finances, you can't ever really be on the same page financially. The two of you should sit down regularly to see where you are and talk about how to get to where you want to be. It is tough, because it requires maturity and compromise. But at the end of they day, you're both in this together and need to get to where you're going together.

And third. Kids. You're in your 30's. I'm assuming that you want them. Does he? Have the two of you talked about it in more detail than "it would be nice someday"? Could this be a primary source of your current discontent?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> As always you generalize everything. Everyone one must fit into the mold you make up in your mind.
> 
> My dad had zero drive to climb the career ladder. He worked his ass off for us, but he had no interest in being in management or gaining more responsibility. He just wanted to be paid a fair wage for a hard days work. His priority was to spend time with me and mom. He's definitely marriage material, they have been happily married 52 years.


I actually think that the ability to be content is a real blessing.
I would hate to have a husband who was a workaholic and was always fighting to get further up the ladder.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

jonty30 said:


> She's dissatisfied, so it's a fair bet that he doesn't contribute as much as he would like.


That hasn't been established.

Also, sometimes when you do put in the hours, other problems pop up. A lady from my church complained how busy and absent her husband (a surgery resident) was. My own ex would complain about insufficient support at home.

Trust me on this... after a certain level of achievement, most women would rather their husbands be at home more and not working literally half of every hour you have.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, that is a shame that he can’t move on anything at all. I get him not wanting to always move up the corporate ladder. I do not either. My goal is to own my profession and do the best job I possibly can - then I go home and enjoy life. I do very well for myself and my family, but I refuse to live at work. It’s not what I’m looking for in life.

as for having children? That was my ultimate goal. Nothing was going to stop my wife and I. We did have “junk” problems. We needed IVF. 24 months of hell - but it was worth it to have our two little ones. I put everything I had into making this happen (as did my wife), so I can understand you thought process of needing him to make A definitive move on something. Anything. And yes, like others mentioned here, you have to jump on it now if you want children of your own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I deleted a long thread jack.. do not continue the thread jack. If you post on this thread, post directly to the OP to help her.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Is he the same person you married? Were you expecting him to change?


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## Unknown2u (May 19, 2021)

x


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Tayla said:


> A friend told me about this site to get valuable feedback on relationship topics.
> 
> Has anyone gotten to the point of their relationship/marriage where it seems the other half has stopped growing or simply don’t care?
> 
> ...


W


Tayla said:


> A friend told me about this site to get valuable feedback on relationship topics.
> 
> Has anyone gotten to the point of their relationship/marriage where it seems the other half has stopped growing or simply don’t care?
> 
> ...


Growth has many different levels and is different to each person. For example, my wifes dad retired from the army as a full Colonel after nearly 30 years and within the last few years retired a second time from Northrop Grumman where he held an executive leadership role at corporate headquarters. My wife said growing up, he was never around. He was always working, even when he was home. Her mom worked at a property management company, but focused mainly on her, her brother, and keeping up the house. But her dad viewed her as lazy and unmotivated because she had no interest in climbing the career ladder..... Some people are content with finding a job that pays enough to make a living. And some people see anything less than CEO or vice president of a major business as a failure. 

As far as him saying that you are expensive. I am not saying you are or aren't. But sometimes we spend more money than we realize. I know I have looked at what I have spent over the course of a month on everything from lunches, taking the boat out, or whatever and said wow!

After ten years of being together, I would not take him seriously about having kids.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to grow as a person. But we can get so caught up with the idea and drive to continously grow and expand that we forget to live in the moment and enjoy what we have achieved so far.


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