# EA or PA



## thebetrayer (Nov 7, 2013)

I've found this forum through a search and have read some of the other threads. While some are similar and have good information this post is both to silicit help from you all and to vent a little bit about my situation.

I've been married for about 8 years. We have two children, ages 2 and 4. She's a SAHM and I work as a web developer and systems analyst. We had a decent marriage up until about 9 months ago when she started playing World of Warcraft a lot online. She's always been into gaming but it was getting a little out of hand. We had some discussions about it and she stopped but started staying up late and was constantly logged onto Facebook.

It is wrong, I know, but I had a gut feeling. I decided to hack into her accounts (she uses the same password for everything) and I found several very flirty but not overtly sexual messages between her and a few other guys, but one more than the rest. He lives a few states over and they met while she was playing the game.

He constantly is saying very sexual things and she's saying them back. He is saying too that he loves her but she doesn't say it back. I only found one e-mail attachment that she sent him. It is of her in a black nightie, very low-cut showing off her cleavage. She's very curvy, 5'4, maybe 160 pounds. He even wrote back a few hours later according to the time stamp and said he had mausturbated to it. 

There is no way that they could have done a PA I don't think but is this classified as an EA? I haven't confronted her about it yet as I'm not sure how to bring this up. Is she just bored? I work a lot but I thought we had a good thing going. We both do a lot of the housework, she handles the kids, and I handle the money and bills. We're not financially stressed and I thought everything was fine.

Her cell phone is wide open and she doesn't withold it from me as in a lot of the other posts. 

What do you guys make of this? How do I confront her about him and her sending that picture to him?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Get copies of that proof and put them in a safe place before you say or do anything.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Sorry you are here.

Gather your evidence and store it so that she can't delete or deny it.

Confront her. She needs to know that you are serious about ending the marriage. If you show weakness, she will take it deeper underground.

You might consider exposing it to a few close members of her circle, such as her parents. That would be a question of debate depending on how she reacts, and what she does going forward.

Here is something else to think about. Why is she doing it? I am sure it has run through your mind.

Is she bored? Is she entitled? Does she consider herself "higher" status than you? These are not excuses, but they might play into your plan of action to not let this continue.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

put a key logger on the computer. And don't feel bad about it, you are trying to protect your marriage. 

Find out what you can about this dude and the others too.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Let me get this straight, YOUR wife sent a picture of herself in a black nightie to a stranger she met on line and he writes back he masturbated to it and you are wondering how to confront.

1. You go up to your wife with the Email and firmly ask "What the H*ll is this"

2. You get the reply and then tell her she is off all gaming
3. She is to write a NC letter to the POS
4. She is to start to rebuild her relationship of trust to you, which she just trashed.
5. She shows you all texts, emails that have been sent by her and to her over the last several months.

Just to start

If she is unwilling to do the above start the 180 because she is not vested in your marriage and you need to take care of yourself.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

First you need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay with her? Don't make a knee-jerk decision. Many people, stung by the notion that their loved one is getting some tail on the side, allow their instincts to kick in and become obsessive over their wayward spouse. I know that initially happened to me. Conversely, some people get more angry than they are sad and decide to go to war. 

Consider seriously what you want. Also, just as importantly, consider what this means. Odds are you may not be able to have what you want. If you want to be able to trust your wife again, you probably can't. People are going to throw all kinds of stories of successful reconciliation at you to give you an unrealistic set of scales in this matter- they'll tell you that it can happen with a lot of work. This may be true, but the biggest piece of work is the uncomfortable reality of reconciliation after infidelity- reconciliation ultimately rests on the betrayed spouse suppressing truth. The truth that their spouse is *un*trustworthy. If she promised you to be faithful and true at the altar and didn't, really no other promise can be trusted. Especially the same promise. When a woman says "I will never cheat on you _again_ there isn't, and can never be, any basis for accepting that declaration. If she cheated on you once after she swore to never do it, why would you ever believe that the next time would ever be different? Any answer to this question is self-delusion. There is no reason. 

I can tell you what I would do if I were you. I would first come to terms with the fact that she is breaking her vows. She's cheating on you. She's also keeping it from you. After that, I would come to terms with the fact that, despite what many, many others will tell you, _you don't need any more evidence._ There's no grand celestial court here. There's just you. *YOU* know she's cheating. Who gives a fvck otherwise? Others? So what? The people who know and love you will believe you when you tell them. Fvck everyone else. Everyone here on TAM has an obsession with gathering evidence, and it is honestly beyond me. The only time you gather evidence is when you don't have it. You have it. 

Then I would divorce her ass. Don't even tell her why. *Why* do people think they owe *anyone*, especially the cheater, an explanation for *anything?* 

I would then realize that there are tons, TONS of women out there who want a good man. 

Finally I would realize she plays a ****ty MMO. And I would laugh.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

start reading here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

by the way, she's not bored, when I get bored I watch TV. Don't make excuses for this.


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## thebetrayer (Nov 7, 2013)

In my mind I don't think I could get over a PA but an EA I think I can get over. I'm thinking that I should put my foot down and demand that she has no more access to the computer like that. It's almost gotten to the point where she doesn't even want to spend time with the kids anymore. She's almost always on that damn computer.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Who cares if it's an EA or PA? Call it whatever you want to. I would call it a PA myself. She's sending sexy pics to some guy so he can whack off to them. She's probably doing the same to pics or her vision of him or something he typed to her.

Some people don't consider it to be a PA unless PIV sex occurs. It's all hairsplitting if you ask me. The whole idea is to have sex with someone else. Why else do you do this type of thing?? Cheating is cheating.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Disconnect the internet service, while you are at it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Who cares if it's an EA or PA? Call it whatever you want to. I would call it a PA myself. She's sending sexy pics to some guy so he can whack off to them. She's probably doing the same to pics or her vision of him or something he typed to her.
> 
> Some people don't consider it to be a PA unless PIV sex occurs. It's all hairsplitting if you ask me. The whole idea is to have sex with someone else. Why else do you do this type of thing?? Cheating is cheating.


It is still a betraying the trust, it is showing disrespect, lying, and causing damage to the spouse and children.


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## thebetrayer (Nov 7, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Who cares if it's an EA or PA? Call it whatever you want to. I would call it a PA myself. She's sending sexy pics to some guy so he can whack off to them. She's probably doing the same to pics or her vision of him or something he typed to her.
> 
> Some people don't consider it to be a PA unless PIV sex occurs. It's all hairsplitting if you ask me. The whole idea is to have sex with someone else. Why else do you do this type of thing?? Cheating is cheating.


I guess this is true. It is just painful to see it all spelled out now in front of me. After reading the newbie forum supplied to me, I guess I can't blame myself but that is where I'm heading at. It feels like I should have been able to do something to prevent this. I've never sent a picture like that of myself to anyone and I certaintly don't talk with any women like that online.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

thebetrayer said:


> I guess this is true. It is just painful to see it all spelled out now in front of me. After reading the newbie forum supplied to me, I guess I can't blame myself but that is where I'm heading at. It feels like I should have been able to do something to prevent this. I've never sent a picture like that of myself to anyone and I certaintly don't talk with any women like that online.


The first thing you need to understand is that it is not your fault. This is a hard thing to do but, trust me, it is not your fault.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

mablenc said:


> It is still a betraying the trust, it is showing disrespect, lying, and causing damage to the spouse and children.


Exactly. The only reason it hasn't progressed to PIV sex is because she hasn't had the chance.

When I caught my husband it was before he'd actually met up with anyone, but I still kicked his a$$ out that day because that didn't make any difference to me. He wanted to, which is just as bad. And until he saw it the same way I did, he stayed out.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*After your initial confrontation with her with your "evidence" in hand, and in addition to any of the above suggestions, I would stipulate that the two of you immediately enter into MC.

If she disagrees with any aspect of this, then it would fastly be "180 time!"*


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

thebetrayer said:


> I guess this is true. It is just painful to see it all spelled out now in front of me. After reading the newbie forum supplied to me, I guess I can't blame myself but that is where I'm heading at. It feels like I should have been able to do something to prevent this. I've never sent a picture like that of myself to anyone and I certaintly don't talk with any women like that online.


Ok stop. Just stop. Thinking you had ANYTHING to do with this is destructive. She made a choice - a CHOICE. She could have chosen not to do what she did. You did NOT 'make' her do anything and you are NOT at fault here. 

Got that??


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

I would be able to move past an EA but unlikely on a PA. I think you have to get to the "TRUE" reason why this happened. It can't be something as simple as being bored. What is going on in her head where she thought this activity was "ok" to actually do?


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## thebetrayer (Nov 7, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> I would be able to move past an EA but unlikely on a PA. I think you have to get to the "TRUE" reason why this happened. It can't be something as simple as being bored. What is going on in her head where she thought this activity was "ok" to actually do?


Yeah, I don't know, that's what I've been sitting here wracking my brain about. I offer to do things with the kids for her so she can get some time off and she just sits there on the computer. In fact, she's gotten rather lazy because of that damn thing. It's not like I'm against technology, I work with computers and networks all day, but she's just like switched off now. Could she be depressed?

Yeah, I think MC is a good thing though. I think I definitely need to see someone. It just hurt a lot to see that picture. That picture should have never been seen by anyone outside of the two of us for any reason and she's parading it around like it is her damn profile picture. I've read an article about Facebook being a cesspool for this sort of thing but I can't believe it is actually true in my case. I'm a smoker and I think I've went through almost a pack already today. 

I know I need to calm down but I'm going through this crap like I want to argue and yell but I want to just go away in a corner. I want to reconcile with her but then I want to kick her out. My emotions are all jumbled up. I wish this was just a dream.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *After your initial confrontation with her with your "evidence" in hand, and in addition to any of the above suggestions, I would stipulate that the two of you immediately enter into MC.
> 
> If she disagrees with any aspect of this, then it would fastly be "180 time!"*


:iagree:

FB hel*. So many affairs start on these sites. 

1. You have to secure the evidence. Make copies. Typically she will deny and lie, so get hard proof before you confront.
2. When you confront, you go over the evidence. My wife denied and lied even with the evidence. I then just kept reading it to her. It took me one hour one time before she finally admitted to it and there is was in front of her.
3. She must end all FB and online games. All. Never again. She will give you every excuse in the book why she should keep FB or a game ect. No. No FB again unless you have a shared account together.
4. She must reveal everything. Passwords, accounts.
5. After this read some good books on infidelity.
6. MC may work only after your wife comes clean.


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## thebetrayer (Nov 7, 2013)

I know I have to but how do you guys summon the strength to actually confront her about it? I mean, I'm nervous just thinking about what I'm going to say.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Just print out the evidence and lay them in front of her and say "start explaining". Save copies and keylogged the computer beforehand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Or print it out and go dark for a few days.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

And do what Thorburn wrote above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

thebetrayer said:


> I know I have to but how do you guys summon the strength to actually confront her about it? I mean, I'm nervous just thinking about what I'm going to say.


*When you examine the covert evidence and get sick enough to your stomach of seeing her secretly flaunt her goods at some POS self-centered "hard-on" who is only enamored at the future prospects of putting another notch on his pistol with "your wife," then that ought to be motivation enough for you to start playing the prosecutor in your household.

She owes you some extremely painful answers to your questions!
*


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## thebetrayer (Nov 7, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *When you examine the covert evidence and get sick enough to your stomach of seeing her secretly flaunt her goods at some POS self-centered "hard-on" who is only enamored at the future prospects of putting another notch on his pistol with "your wife," then that ought to be motivation enough for you to start playing the prosecutor in your household.
> 
> She owes you some extremely painful answers to your questions!
> *


Yes, I agree with this. I really want to know why. It is eating me up inside. Why do this? But then, when I ask that question it circles back around to well I didn't do this maybe or that. But I know I shouldn't think this way. 

I'm concerned I will lose my temper and yell. I'm very non-violent but I fear that I'll raise my voice a lot and I don't want my children to hear. We recently moved away from family as well so I'm not sure what to do about that. Should I confront her at night when they are asleep and just try to summon whatever willpower I have to keep my voice calm?


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## thebetrayer (Nov 7, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Or print it out and go dark for a few days.


I must have missed this in the newbie forum. What does go dark mean?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

thebetrayer said:


> Yes, I agree with this. I really want to know why. It is eating me up inside. Why do this? But then, when I ask that question it circles back around to well I didn't do this maybe or that. But I know I shouldn't think this way.
> 
> I'm concerned I will lose my temper and yell. I'm very non-violent but I fear that I'll raise my voice a lot and I don't want my children to hear. We recently moved away from family as well so I'm not sure what to do about that. Should I confront her at night when they are asleep and just try to summon whatever willpower I have to keep my voice calm?


*Never while the kids are up. Do this in private! And keep your composure!*


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are not scared of how you will handle the confrontation - you are scared that your wife will blow up and tell you she is in love with this OM and refuse to stop.

Stop being such a wimp. If you want your marriage to survive this the first step is to show her that the marriage is over if this continues or happens ever again. You are afraid to do this. So she will cry and say she is sorry and she will continue talking and gaming with this guy. And you will continue to look for what you did in the past to have caused this. Here's a hint _YOU DID NOTHING THAT JUSTIFIES WHAT SHE IS DOING. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

You have to be ready to end the marriage to save it. this has been shown to be true time and time again.

Go back and read Thorburn's post. He know what he is talking about.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This is more than an EA, this is something she CHOSE to do for sexual gratification.
She chose to start up a relationship with POSOM
She chose to take the picture
She chose to send it to him
She chose not to tell you how she was feeling before any of this happened.
Not you. her.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP it is not your fault. This is her decision alone. She is an adult and is responsible for her actions. 

Make sure you square away copies of your evidence before confronting. 

I'm not one to wait and watch once you have some solid proof but you may want to collect more evidence first. This may not be a pa but perhaps there is another om that is or was. 

You can bet that if you do not intervene with a strong plan of action that her behavior will escalate. 

Do not rug sweep when confrontation occurs. 

Expose the affair also. It ruins the special secret and is a step to hold them accountable. 

You may be unpleasantly surprised to learn that it is or has been a pa. You cannot take her word for it. Expect her to lie her ass off. Lying is a part of the standard cheater behavior pattern. Expect it but do not tolerate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It is EXTREMELY common for men to post here with stories about their wives cheating and then immediately begin the mea culpa - 'I know I should have done A, B, C differently, etc.' This is so common as to be part of the script, in my opinion.

You have to stop thinking this way because it is making you hesitant to do the right thing.

Your W right now is cheating on your marriage and is a poor wife and mother. She is so absorbed in her electronic 'activity' that she sees you all as background noise.

You need to snap out of your fear! If you are afraid that confronting her will lead to the end of your marriage, well that can't be worse than what will happen if it goes on the way it is now.

No, your only real chance is to put your foot down and take control of this situation out of her hands. She gets off the games and social media & starts acting like an adult wife and mother.

You can wait to gather more evidence and then confront or you can confront now. Either way you have to stop being afraid.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Who owns the computer? If it is joint, shared by all then I would do this. Remove the computer so she has no access to it. I took my wife's laptop on d-day in February. I bought it, we shared it, though she used it for the most part. But legally I took it and she could not do a thing about it. This will cut her off from running to this guy or another guy online.


You can write every thing down that you want to say. Stick to that script. Put a line on top of the page in bold letters, "I WILL NOT LOSE MY TEMPER, STAY ON COURSE".

Frankly you have every right to yell, but doing what I say above will help you from going there.

After you give her copies of your evidence, I would say I have one question. Do you want me as your husband or do you want these guys online that are masturbating to you? I would then leave the house for a few.

Don't forgive her. Don't please for her, don't beg. No matter what she says. If she says, I don't love you anymore, or I am love with this guy, etc. Don't beg, plead, or cry. Don't.

Be strong even if you are breaking inside. And take a drive or a walk. Let her stew in her scum pond.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

If you want to go scorched earth, log into her WoW account and delete all of her characters. Then re-roll a new rogue with a name like "Adultery"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I actually disagree with MC right away. I think she should get into IC to figure out why she did what she did. Too many couples jump into MC right away after infidelity, but unless the WS has done some soul searching I think it's usually a waste of time and money.

And make sure that all 3 of you (you, her, the MC) read this before you do start MC:

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

As for summoning the strength? Everyone has it. But I think you have to get MAD before you're ready to use it. Too many BS's just start blaming themselves and thinking maybe it wasn't really that bad and all the minimizing that goes on. And many just decide to let it go and never really do anything about it, preferring to bury their head in the sand. Or any of the hundred other reasons I've heard from BS's for not taking a stand and really getting pissed at the WS. Personally I will never understand how you DON'T get pissed at someone who cheats.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Like it has been mentioned....you are not at fault for any of your wife's EA/potential PA.

While you might have indeed contributed to the current state of the marriage, you have ZERO fault in her actions.

What she did was by HER CHOICE. It didn't "just happen" or one thing lead to another before I knew it...." Each step was a conscious choice to proceed and each step needed to be taken.

Sorry you are in this situation.

Good luck.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. It has helped men in your position immensely...I mean REALLY immensely.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

Betrayer, I am sorry you are in this place right now, it really sucks! I have been there myself. You need to be calm and gather all of the evidence that you can. Try not to get emotional and jump the gun before you are ready. When you do confront her, expect a lot of blame shifting. She will try real hard to make this your fault. Once you confront, the next few days will tell you if she is receptive to a reconciliation or separation. I hope this ends well for you.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*TB:

The only reason there is no PIV sex yet is that the V has not yet gone to the P.*


If you go for a damp squib confrontation, she might even think: anyway, I got caught in the EA, why not have some sexual fun too, *and duck under the same charge? *I can always ‘manage’ him (you) later. He will only run THUS far and no more.

So, if you confront, make sure you nuke the idea of straying from your wife’s mind. Make it clear that it will be a deal-breaker, if ever she goes PA with anyone.

You are lucky to have caught this early enough. *Or have you (caught it early enough)?


*Best of luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st you gotta decide, what you want---do you want this mge to continue---or do you want out

If she has been a SAHM, for a long period of time, with no actual hobbies, she can get involved in, and this is her way of spending the dreary days, day after day, after day---then if you stay with her---she needs to go to IC, so she can understand that she has to change, and that she must find other ways to occupy her time, and that seeking other men, is not going to solve anything.

You also must help out----but basically that is for later on---1st things 1st---she has to be yanked/forced/hauled out of her present mindset---right now she is getting a high, turning this other guy on---and he is turning her on----you seem to have been left in the dust

The 2 of you may still be having sex, but with you its now same old, same old---with him its hot passion---even if its long distance and from a game

Like it or not---you have to go to war, to save your mge---the war consists---of---- you getting your evidence, and do it quickly, cuz you never know---what your wife and her lover could be planning---he may be several states away---but a plane/car---changes that very quickly

You need to confront---you need to let her know where you are with this, and you need to lay out boundaries----with one weapon, should she not wanna follow what you are demanding---and yes you will demand---NO MATTER WHAT SHE ANSWERS YOU BACK WITH, as an argument---for she will probably shift the blame, and also tell you, you can't control her---etc, etc.

Your weapon is the THREAT OF D/D, itself

You tell her she stops playing the game completely, in fact she gets the he*L OFF THE COMPUTER COMPLETELY---she finds other things to do with her life, and she becomes totally transparent in regard to any and all electronics---if she raises the privacy argument---you answer with,--- when she took holy vows, she gave up her privacy---the 2 of you are one---if she wanted privacy she should have stayed single

You need to confront---with control, icy calm, be very cool in your actions, and how you conduct your "outing" of her

You say what you have to say---you disconnect the computer, so she cannot contact him via that method---and you leave the house, and drive around for a few hours, or go visit someone---when you return home---she will have had time to digest what you have given her---and you will see where she is at-------depending on how she responds---you will either, tell her the mge is over, and you are filing for D, or if she wants her mge/family/kids---then the 2 of you will sit down and talk about all of this---and keep on talking till you resolve this mess

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW HER TO MANIPULATE/ARGUE/ANSWER BACK/BLAME SHIFT, or do anything else that would absolve her of what she has done

She has violated her mge/family/kids/and you AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL, AND SHE WILL EITHER DO what is necessary to make the mge work---OR THE MGE WILL BE OVER

This is how you have to deal with her----you CANNOT "NICE" HER BACK INTO THE MGE---you have to be hard as nails---WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT---she has to see the reality, of her being out there ON HER OWN, as in D.---if she is not willing to stop her EA, and her online gaming


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So have you taken the computer and confronted her yet?

Do it this evening!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I know evidence is important, but you should have a fairly good idea of the depth of her cheating at this time based upon the amount of red flags you have seen over the past several months.

If there have been a lot you may need to gather more information to build your case

If there are not many then this may be just beginning and you need to stamp on this bug (EA) immediately before it starts to breed. Remember once a wall comes down the other walls begin to fall unless they are reinforced. If you just sit back and do not confront this can escalate.

Again, as others have said, Print out the Evidence, after the kids are in bed lay it on the table and have her explain to you what is going on.

No matter what she says, Remember she disrespected you by sending her picture to another man and allowing him to self gratify himself and then tell her about it. SHE DID NOT TELL YOU AND KEPT THIS SECRET. The walls are falling.

Throw the Computer Out.
Cut off her cell phone.
Get access to all her communications.

Or sit back and not confront and watch your marriage, family etc go down the drain. It has started already and unless you act soon it will. 

Ignoring it or being afraid of what you are going to find out is not going to make it any better.

Expect and prepare for the worst.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Hand her divorce papers and tell her that she can go play WOW and her new boyfriend- (who is probably a 45 year old obese virgin living in his mothers basement) can go tackle the lynch king together. Tell her your moving on.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

OP: Just curious about your user name. Have you committed some betrayal?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

thebetrayer said:


> I must have missed this in the newbie forum. What does go dark mean?


 Honestly. If you want to go dark and just sit, wait and hope it just all goes away, then forget it.

Look friend. It's a picture of her in a sexy nightie that SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SENT TO ANY MAN EXCEPT YOU! Now, if you want to wait and do nothing, then the next time she might send a topless photo, and have the bum wack off to it and after that he wants to see more and the next photo is one is a nude photo for this guys enjoyment and no doubt his buddies at the bar WHERE HE'S NO DOUBT SHARING IT WITH EVERYONE. meanwhile back at the ranch, your still going dark, in other words..............waiting. 

Then maybe he convinces her to make a short video of herself amusing herself because the guys and his buddies need something new. You getting my drift?

You saw the photo, so you don't need anything else. Her sending another man provocative pictures of herself is not only wrong but it shows a total lack of respect to you and your marriage and if you let it continue then you get what you deserve. 

My advice is to sit her curvy ass down, show her the picture and let her know that she's crossed a line that might not be able to corrected. She has to know that her actions will have consequences and she better wise up and real fast. If it was me, I would have her leave the house and tell her that until she's ready to start acting like a wife and a responsible woman she can stay gone. There was no reason of her to do this and an excuse of being bored is no excuse. Stop it now before it gets to a point that you can't fix it.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

thebetrayer said:


> I know I have to but how do you guys *summon the strength *to actually confront her about it? I mean, I'm nervous just thinking about what I'm going to say.


Hi,
Normally the OP is so furious that others on this forum have to control him/her from confronting the spouse immediately. You are lucky that you have not lost your control, but I think this is not a good thing. 

Are you really not angry, or you just don't know how to start the topic?

Additionally, as Philat has said above, if there some reason for your chosen name, then it adds another dimension to this story.


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## NothingWantsToChange (Nov 8, 2013)

I am new here but have lurked for a while. I was participating in behavior similar to your wives for many years. Every experience is different but I hope some of this helps. 

For me it had nothing to do with my relationships. It was about me and my own need to escape. I used chats and fantasy as an escape. I was not escaping my relationships...heck this behavior began before I was ever in one. I suffered from fairly serious untreated anxiety and sex is something that can provide tempporary relief. 

I am not saying that is why she is doing it but it certainly is a possibility. It is not an excuse and certainly does not make it right. My advice is to talk to her about and and if she tells you she does not know why she does it believe her because its likely true. 

For me I needed to see a therapist to figure this all out. If your relationship is otherwise good I encourage you to talk to her in a supportive and non confrontational way. Tell her you want her to see someone and tell her you are willing to go with her if need be.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

she may not be in a PA with anyone, but do you not find her behavior incredibly sl*ty - in particular for a wife and mother! in particular her sending out the nighty picture and the sex talk back to the guy.....

so yes, when you confront her control yourself as best you can, but you have a right to be 'bullsh*t out of your mind' with anger and resentment toward her for doing this! you have a right to feel that way, and you SHOULD feel that way. 
If you do lose your temper during the confrontation, then just acknowledge to yourself that you tried to tamp it down but couldn't. Under the circumstances THAT ALSO would be on her - not you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The reason for investigating is not just for proof of the affair. . Now you need to know everything that has been going on, just in case this is the tip of the iceberg.

The other reason is to track her after the confrontation. Assuming she wants to stay married you will have to be checking up on her for a long time. She may figure out other wys to text, email , facebook etc.

Keylog, gps, vars etc.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What you do is this. You have the picture? Show it to her. Point to it and look her in the eye and just say this. 


"Explain this picture that I found that you sent to another guy and understand that your answer is going to determine whether or not you spend another day in this house". Then sit back, say nothing and LET HER DO ALL THE TALKING! 

Her words and mostly her body language is going to give you the answer you want. If she starts stammering, and making some kind of excuse like she didn't think it was that bad and didn't think she was doing anything wrong, then you let her know that her opinion right now doesn't concern you, it's your opinion that counts and make it clear that your not only NOT HAPPY BUT YOUR NOT PUTTING UP WITH HER CRAP ANY LONGER, and let her work her own way out of the hole she dug. Don't play games because you will lose big time. Then your take what actions that you want but don't let this pass without consequences.


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