# Need advice-Can this be saved?



## turdferguson (Mar 1, 2016)

So, I will try to keep this brief. I could go on and on but I want you all to read and comment.

The bottom line is this. I just don't think I will ever be enough for my wife. She needs lots of attention. It is like an addiction or something from her. Definitely has Daddy issues. But I cannot give her enough attention. I bust my butt around the house, and do as much as I can, all while having a full-time job and being the primary breadwinner. I think I am a pretty dang good husband and father. But when she gets emotional, she immediately attacks me for not giving her enough attention. I just feel like I will never be able to give her the attention she needs. And frankly, I am tired of being criticized for it.

I think there are a few things going on. One is that I think she feels guilty when she realizes that I do more around the house than she does (generally). I do things because they need to be done, not because I am looking for praise. She does something and she is always looking for praise. She doesn't get any gratification from knowing that she accomplished something that needed to get done. She needs the validation. I try to give her that all the time, but that is tiring too because I don't need the validation.

Some other issues. She has a history of infidelity. I think it all stems from her constant need for attention. We have gone to counseling and worked through that part of the relationship.

Finally, I feel like we have grown apart politically and spiritually. We are doing better, but there are times when we are not on the same page financially, and also with respect to our children.

We have two children, ages 8 and 6.

So, is there any hope? Is there any way I can stop feeling so frustrated that I am never good enough for her?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She has been unfaithful to you?


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## turdferguson (Mar 1, 2016)

Yes, there was infidelity. But honestly we have worked through that, I have forgiven her, and we have moved forward. I suppose that her infidelity could somehow be related to what we are going through now, but I don't see it. She is really emotional and moody, and when she gets that way, I am criticized for not giving her enough attention.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

Ask yourself where do you draw the line?

Infidelity would have been my 'out the door'. So if not that, then is this it? Why is she so needy? Sounds like she needs some IC.


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## mcquestion (Jan 8, 2016)

are you out of the house a lot for hobbies, friends?

or what does she mean? how much 'attention' does she want? 24/7?

what qualifies as attention? watching tv together? or not?


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## turdferguson (Mar 1, 2016)

Those are all good questions.

I am not out of the house for hobbies or friends. She is out of the house much more than I am. I don't really go out with friends and don't go out for any hobbies. I do go out for church-related business. But again, she is out of the house much more than I am.

It seems like she wants attention 24/7. Nothing is ever good enough for her. Also, if we hit a lull, she immediately forgets all of the good times and feelings we have had and goes back to the lack of attention.

Attention for her is like cuddling, telling her how great she is, etc. Just watching tv together is typically not enough (although it helps if she snuggles up to me while we watch tv).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turdferguson said:


> Yes, there was infidelity. But honestly we have worked through that, I have forgiven her, and we have moved forward. I suppose that her infidelity could somehow be related to what we are going through now, but I don't see it. She is really emotional and moody, and when she gets that way, I am criticized for not giving her enough attention.


One affair or multiple?

And why do you feel she's being faithful now?


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## turdferguson (Mar 1, 2016)

She has been very open and transparent with me since I discovered her affair. I know I can never say with 100% certainty, but I am very confident that she is being faithful now.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Do you want it to be saved? I know I didn't want to save my marriage years ago but I stayed in it for the kids and finances. But I had way better reasons to divorce than attention issues, I was in a sexless loveless marriage. How's your sex life? Are you intimate? Are you happy? 

Sounds like you need to have a frank conversation with her. You spend thousands on marriage counseling to try to fix the issues, divorce, or you remain miserable.


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## turdferguson (Mar 1, 2016)

I think most of me wants to save it. But part of me is just tired, exhausted from the pressure. 

The sex life is relatively good. It has slowed down recently, but otherwise it has been pretty good.

I have moments of happiness, and moments of just frustration and disappointment. I suppose that is pretty normal in a marriage.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

turdferguson said:


> .... But again, she is out of the house much more than I am. ...
> 
> Attention for her is like cuddling, telling her how great she is, etc. Just watching tv together is typically not enough (although it helps if she snuggles up to me while we watch tv).


Out of the house where? Work only or socializing?

Some people need more physical touch than others to feel connected not necessarily loved. I am a physical touch person - I need cuddling, holding hands, not really the verbal but definitely physical touch. 

From that point, I can tell you if she is geared that way and isn't getting it, she is losing her connection with you. And if she was unfaithful before she will be again because of the lack of the physical touch.

I would be concerned as to where she is all the time if you don't know.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Hey OP do not put your head in the sand thinking this is going to go away or get any better. She is a cheater and she's probably cheating again. You just said she's always leaving the house. And you said your sex life has dropped off big time recently. Well you might want to find out if she's having an affair put a voice activated recorder in her car, check the phone bill. GPS also in her car, She's a serial cheater that's what they do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Whats wrong with cuddling and telling her how great she is? All husbands should do that. If you came on here and said you wife was have an affair because she likes the attention then I would say that I could understand why you are thinking about getting a divorce. Your "problem" seems minor. You made two children with her knowing she was like this so stay until they are grown. This isn't worth breaking up the family for.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Whats wrong with cuddling and telling her how great she is? All husbands should do that. If you came on here and said you wife was have an affair because she likes the attention then I would say that I could understand why you are thinking about getting a divorce. Your "problem" seems minor. You made two children with her knowing she was like this so stay until they are grown. This isn't worth breaking up the family for.


Agreed. What she's asking for doesn't seem wildly over the top.

It seems like if you could work through her infidelity, something like this ought to be a breeze.

So. Is there anything else going on?


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

How often does she "forget" all the good things and demand more attention? She sounds a lot like me. Do you know what her love language is? If not, it would probably help you both to read Gary Chapman's 
The Five Love Languages 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Maybe you have done this already, but have you talked to her about how you have been feeling? Sounds like she also needs some individual counseling to help with her own issues. If you want it to work, you could always just walk away and ignore her when she’s lashing out. Tell her when she calms down then she can come talk to you. You may need to be harder on her, like tell her you will not be her punching bag, that you are doing the best you can and that if she doesn’t like it then she can leave. You need to take care of yourself too, she needs a reality check. If she can’t stop cheating then maybe it is time to walk out. I know you said you had kids, but do not stay together just because of the kids…trust me. They can sense more than you think and their living environment will have too much tension and negative emotions and it will affect them. Sometimes it’s better for the kids to co-parent separately.


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