# Companionship - is it ever enough?



## David_H (Apr 15, 2010)

Are there any others here who feel that they have married for companionship? By this I mean they have married someone they may care for, be friends with, be comfortable being around, but not have passionately romantic feelings towards?

If so what was it that brought you together in the first place (not wanting to be alone, marriage was something you are 'supposed' to do etc?). What keeps you together? Do you feel fulfilled by your marriage; is it enough for you to both be happy?

Yes, I am in such a marriage but I don't want to obscure other's input on this particular question by describing my own personal circumstances just yet.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I was in a marriage like that.

I no longer am.


----------



## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I think that while still young, everyone should experience being married and having children. After all, having children is probably our sole purpose for being here.

Unfortunately, marriage has it's ups and downs and there are times when one or the other realizes that it's time to cut the bond for one reason or another. Then of course there's death and both can be devastating to the point where the one that's left behind has a grieving process to get through.

But all in all, if one can remain married for a lengthy period of time (long enough to raise the children), then there will be fond memories of the good times and the satisfaction that you've completed your main purpose for being here.

However when you reach your Senior years, companionship is all that is really needed. You want someone to be with, share things with, do things with .. with a little sex in between.

The worst thing about being a Senior is being alone. Especially when you get to the point that you're physically unable to get around and do much. That's when companionship is important.

Or else all you're doing is waiting to die. And that's no way to live the rest of your life.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That would be my goal now. I have given up on love, marriage, romance or sex. I would be happy with friendship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Companionship was not enough for me, but my x wife said she needed that more than a sexual relationship. I used to hear my grandmother talk about companionship. I think that is something that becomes more valued as we get older.

Personally, I needed a strong intimate, sexual relationship; I figured I could enjoy companionship when I was in the nursing home.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I think passion and romance early in a relationship and companionship later in a relationship sounds about right. Mrs. BigToe and I have almost 30 years together and I can say we have more of a companionship relationship now where before, passion and romance were a much higher priority. That doesn't mean passion, romance, and sex are not important anymore, they are. However, there comes a point when you become so in-tune with each other that just having each other (and enjoying each other) as trusted partners is more important than romance and sex.


----------



## diana_w (Jun 26, 2011)

hmm BigToe sounds correct..


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Of course the former doesn't need respect while the latter does.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

South,
This depiction of your marriage will serve you well when you are on a date and get asked why your marriage ended. It is insightful and concise and killer funny. 

Thanks for my first laugh of the day. 




southbound said:


> Companionship was not enough for me, but my x wife said she needed that more than a sexual relationship. I used to hear my grandmother talk about companionship. I think that is something that becomes more valued as we get older.
> 
> Personally, I needed a strong intimate, sexual relationship; I figured I could enjoy companionship when I was in the nursing home.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The fastest growing demographic of HIV+ is senior citizens.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> South,
> This depiction of your marriage will serve you well when you are on a date and get asked why your marriage ended. It is insightful and concise and killer funny.
> 
> Thanks for my first laugh of the day.


You are welcome for the laugh. :smthumbup: My x wife's sister, who is in her 40s, healthy and attractive, told her once that she too needed companionship more than sex. She and her husband go for months in between sex. In my wife's mind, that helped justify her low drive, but I find it strange. 

I always thought there was a special attraction between men and women that included a desire for sex. If sex wasn't the key difference and companionship was all I needed, I could have just moved in with my brother and had a good , fun life. 
He and I are close, have the same sense of humor, and have a ball together, but I have a desire that draws me to the opposite sex that i thought was normal.

To me, there is a lot more to a relationship than sex, but take that away and it just seems like there's not much that separates that couple from a 90 year old person in the retirement home. As a matter of fact, there are probably some 90 year old people who are more interested in sex than my x wife was. 

Actually, my x didn't mention sex much as a reason for our divorce, but I suppose the difference in our sex drives probably created a break-down in the relationship that led to unhappiness for her in other areas.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What really hurts is to think someone has a low sex drive and later find out they really have a high drive, but just didn't want to have sex with you.

That's why real attraction is a key ingredient.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> You are welcome for the laugh. :smthumbup: My x wife's sister, who is in her 40s, healthy and attractive, told her once that she too needed companionship more than sex. She and her husband go for months in between sex. In my wife's mind, that helped justify her low drive, but I find it strange.
> 
> I always thought there was a special attraction between men and women that included a desire for sex. If sex wasn't the key difference and companionship was all I needed, I could have just moved in with my brother and had a good , fun life.
> He and I are close, have the same sense of humor, and have a ball together, but I have a desire that draws me to the opposite sex that i thought was normal.
> ...


@ southbound ~ I've seen a few posts from you now where you mention wondering whether your drive is normal. While I think it's good to reflect back on our pasts in order to learn to not make the same mistakes going forward, please don't dwell on it too much. Look at how you can move forward as a calm, strong, and confident man. 

You ARE normal. I think it is normal for a healthy male to have a strong desire for sex and a strong desire for intimacy through sex with someone that he really loves. Even if you end up with a lower libido woman and she truly cares about and respects you, she WILL be interested in sex with you because IT is important to you and YOU are important to her. 


@ OP - I'm sure there have been a number of good marriages throughout time that started out with less than companionship - such as arranged marriages. I've no statistics on how many would be considered 'good', but surely there has to have been some. To me, the key is how COMMITTED you are to each other. If there is commitment both ways, then I think that a marriage that started out as companionship has the potential to develop in to something more over time.


----------



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

David_H said:


> Are there any others here who feel that they have married for companionship? By this I mean they have married someone they may care for, be friends with, be comfortable being around, but not have passionately romantic feelings towards?
> 
> If so what was it that brought you together in the first place (not wanting to be alone, marriage was something you are 'supposed' to do etc?). What keeps you together? Do you feel fulfilled by your marriage; is it enough for you to both be happy?
> 
> Yes, I am in such a marriage but I don't want to obscure other's input on this particular question by describing my own personal circumstances just yet.


I hope David comes back and tells us a little more.

Companionship? sometimes it depends on how you are using the word. I think here the posters are talking about 'you get along with this person really well but don't have, enjoy or have enough, sex with them'. 
So in that context you would have to go to the hundreds of posts that talk about "how important is sex in a marriage" or "my wife has a different sex drive than I do". However many times this topic is discussed I think people just don't accept that there will be a difference in sex drive, one is not right or wrong just different. I would further that by saying it doesn't really mean anything if you and spouse have different sex drives. I don't know if the OP is just having that same old discussion.

I do think that getting along with someone (call it companionship or whatever word you like) is very very important in a marriage. I believe that the physical attraction is a terrible reason to be together if that is all you have. Or even if you are only staying together because of the attraction. I don't think people, when they are dating, spend enough time trying to figure out if they really can live with this person. Part of knowing that is knowing what is important to you and that can take some time. There are a lot of dimensions to being compatible and you have to know yourself to know which are the important points. Even if you get along with your spouse you may not be really compatible on some important dimensions or qualities.

I also believe that sex becomes less important as we age (maybe just for women, I have never been a man) This may be biology that says "hey lady you are too old to be having kids now so knock it off with the whole sex thing". 

What does become important as you age is having a history and social network with that person. Traditionally the family, kids and grandkids are an important part of the older couples lives.

I also think it is important to have someone that is around your age to talk to. I think the May - December romances miss this. I like to talk about things from years ago and my partner knows what I am talking about and shares that experience.

So yes, companionship is really important.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I look at companionship as having someone to be with, have a good time with, share life's ups and downs, be friends with, someone to talk to, help you when you're in need, etc. In one form or another, however, I could get that from many people, even other men, but having a sexual relationship is one special thing that I only shared with my wife. That made it special and desirable. If it is absent, it just makes things seem weird.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"My family says I'm in denial but they are totally full of **** on that..."


Kind of like that?


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> That would be my goal now. I have given up on love, marriage, romance or sex. I would be happy with friendship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


@ Runs - You know, you shouldn't sell yourself short. Not if your posts on this forum are anything to go by.


----------



## David_H (Apr 15, 2010)

I should have mentioned that I am only 42 so I'm not into my twilight years by any means!

To all intents and purposes I drifted into marriage. I met my wife through a friend of a friend, we got on well and I liked her as a friend. She invited me on to a group holiday with several of her other friends; I was at a really low point in my life at that time and wanted to get as far away as possible from everyone and everything I knew, so I thought why not. To cut a long story short we ended up sleeping together and came back from that holiday as a 'couple'. I knew it wasn't 'right' but I was flattered by her interest in me, and I was sick of being alone and sick of the depression I still suffered from the break up of my last relationship two years previously. I thought it would be OK to have a bit of companionship, some fun with someone I liked. The only problem was I didn't love her anything like the way I had loved my previous girlfriend, and although we had sex I wasn't sexually attracted to her.

I guess the even bigger problem was that she did seem to actually fall in love with me. I wasn't strong enough to end the relationship, I was always waiting for the right time to say something, but it never came. I knew it would destroy her the way I'd been destroyed by my previous girlfriend and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So we drifted, moved in together. After a few years the topic of marriage came up and I felt the pressure as it was what she wanted, I eventually agreed as we were living together and because getting married is what people do - what they are supposed to do. Now if this sounds bad I don't mean it to be - we are best friends, we have a comfortable life, we never argue. We have a nice home, we've built careers, we have our hobbies. But I still feel as if all of this is just a false life, an act I'm putting on to conform to the happy married couple image. I don't feel the passion I once had with my ex - I don't wonder what she is doing if I'm not with her, I don't ache when we're apart, I don't melt if she smiles at me, I don't thrill to her touch. Sex is a chore, it only happens when she guilts me into it every two or three months and then I usually have to think of something else to keep me 'interested'. My libido is taken care of mainly by masturbation.

I have tried to tell myself that love is friendship and companionship, that I was lucky to have loved my ex they way I did because a lot of people don't even find that, and that I should be content with my marriage. I have tried to be sexually interested in my wife, I have tried to make myself love her, but it just doesn't work. 12 years later we are still married, and still the most I can say for my life is that I am not unhappy, but I feel there must be more to marriage, to life, than this.


----------



## lonely4comp (Dec 10, 2015)

I am searching and thriving for it in my marriage and don't get it. I feel that it's very important, yet I don't have it. I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do.


----------

