# Sad and confused - is it over?



## HelpMeObiwan (Jul 13, 2016)

I need some honest advice and I don’t know where to turn… this is going to be kind of long so, I apologize.

My Wife and I have been married for 7.5 years and have two boys - aged 5 and 2.

Our marriage has been bad – almost nonexistent for over 2 years now. We have raised our sons and paid the bills together but, we don’t talk or have sex. I don’t want it to end though… I would like it to heal.

We have begun talking about the details of separation. Again, I don’t want to separate – but she insists that we start to head in that direction, that we “start the process…” so, this is where we are:

1.	I have opened my own bank account
2.	my pay checks directly deposit into that account
3.	Our credit cards have been cancelled (and I have since gotten my own)
4.	We are working on determining a schedule detailing who gets the kids and when
5.	Looking at selling off the more expensive vehicles we own together and downsize to smaller more economically minded vehicles (insurance and gas wise) – with the stated intent to be owned individually now
6.	She has started to talk of selling the house

I have told her that if we can save our marriage, then that’s where we should be spending our time and energy… not making plans for separating and following through on them… yet, the plans keep churning.

My History:

My wife is only the second woman that I’ve had a relationship with. I had my first relationship when I was 26, prior to that – I was forever single – not even a date (but, I never wanted to be single… ever since I was a small child, I always wanted to be married – to have that special friendship with a woman of my choice… all throughout my adolescence I dreamt of having that special relationship with a woman…I was just too “nerdy” for that to ever happen though). As such, I have ever since been afraid of being alone. My first relationship ended in heart ache after 4.5 years. We had 1 bad year (our last together) with very little sex and my suspicion that she was cheating on me. Turned out, my suspicions were right – she was.

8 months later, I met my wife (on e-harmony) when I was 31. We dated for a year, then got married on our 1-year “anniversary”.
I know we both wanted to get married and have a family… and we were both “older” (my wife is a year older than me). As I mentioned, we now have two boys. I think we were both afraid of getting old, not getting married, and not having a family.

Our History:

Throughout our marriage, my wife hasn’t been happy with our sex life. She admits that everything else was good but, she needed the sex to be more like 50 shades of grey and, well - I was more like soft core Amish porn or something… you see, my wife is much more “experienced” than me, and she expected me to make her happy (which is an admittedly fair expectation of a woman’s husband). She had in the past tried to help me along too (with tips and pointers) but, there were times – either during sex, or immediately after – where I was given some rather candid feedback, a sort of “rating”… and those ratings made me feel so small and insignificant. For example, one time she told me - while I was performing oral on her- “just stop… I can’t do this, I feel like I’m having some sort of medical procedure done… that it just feels too sterile, like I’m at the dentist’s or something”… that one hurt, as much as it must sound funny for others to hear… in that moment, where I already felt vulnerable (from past “failures”) it was horrific. Sadly there have been many other such occurrences too but, you get the point. The sum total of comments and situations like that have made me afraid of having sex with her. 

As our sexless “dry” spots increased, her mood has switched from very angry to a one of total indifference and complete avoidance.

It’s been 2.5 years since we’ve had sex now. As such, things have ranged from bad to very bad, since my wife’s pregnancy with our youngest.

We are both now in our early 40’s and we each have “successful” careers. Neither of us is happy however. We don’t have yelling fights… we both go silent and avoid each other. It has been some form of this for those last 2.5 years.

In spite of all this, I still don’t want it to end. I feel like there has to be a way to make it better. She said that she doesn’t think I’ll change but, she’s willing to see how it goes for the children’s sake.
This past weekend though, I found evidence of at least an emotional affair (e-mails) with a co-worker of hers.

When I confronted her on this – I didn’t get into the details or specifics/proof – but, I just asked her if she was… I told her I felt suspicious. She blew up and went back into her silent mode. She had started to talk to me again… though maybe that was because the topic was all about our separation.

I must be so confused to be even asking this, but – is this relationship over? Is there any hope for it?

In the end, this is not the life I wanted to live – I am not where I wanted to be at 41… I wish I could just fast forward the next 45 years or just turn my mind off and live as an automaton… I hate the feeling I have when I know hope is lost. I don’t want to be single and alone again. I wish I could save my marriage. My poor kids...:crying:


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Ok, you need to put the brakes on this whole separating business she's pushing. No offense, but you come across rather weak, and "go with the flow". You need to start being strong and respectable. Put your food down, and tell her that you don't want to separate, and stop cooperating with her efforts to make that happen. Don't be the nerdy kid everyone can push around with impunity.

As far as the emotional affair is concerned, it needs to be addressed, and fast. You need to sit down with your wife, and calmly ask her what is going on with said co-worker. Don't let the conversation blow up and get out of hand, keep things non-aggressive. Don't accuse her of anything, or insinuate anything. Just tell her, in factual terms, what you saw, and ask for an explanation.

In regards to your sex life, you need to save your marriage first. Before your sex life can make any progress, the truth of the emotional affair must be dealt with.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

2.5 years with no sex... she has checked out. You want this to work out because you're afraid of being alone. This isn't a marriage and the odds are it will never be. Is she attractive to you?

I'll bet you money she is getting her sex from someone else. Have you checked her cell phone activity as well?

Instead of begging her to reconsider, you need to become the man she desires. A strong, confident man. Are you in physical shape? If not, get the diet in check and hit the gym 4x a week, hard.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Sounds like you married a real gem. Sorry but she is a nasty piece of work. I can see why you won't touch her.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My take on it is she was getting older, her fertile years were coming to an end, she wanted to marry and have a family, she thought you were good husband material and that you'd improve sexually. She then realized that sexual incompatibility wasn't something you could fix and began avoiding sex because it left her unsatisfied. The emotional bond withered and died. She's checked out and has been for some time. Probably close to 2.5 years or so.

Let her go!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

There is most certainly sexual incompatibility, likely before the affair, which if I were a betting person is going to be an exit affair.

My question to you is why you would want to salvage a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly? It says much more about you than it does about her.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I'm actually not seeing the wife as such a villain. The possible EA, bad, yes. And if it turns out she is already deep into an affair, which is very likely, then I take back what I said.

But just going with what has been presented here, you have a HD woman, hitting her $exual peak in her early 40's that is being left unsatisfied in bed and has gone without for 2.5 years now. Instead of getting her needs met elsewhere, she is attempting to let her husband go so she can then go and get her needs met. Isn't that the advice we so often give to men here in a similar situation? And quite honestly, I personally would prefer the honest feedback about my performance over a wishy washy one designed to spare feelings. Being open and honest is the only way to truly bring about the change you desire. Beating around the bush loL! - gets you nowhere.

OP - you sound like a really nice, sensitive, guy. You sound like a genuine person and would make a great friend. But when it comes to women, I have realized that stuff doesn't work. You have to be a man and act like one. Sounds like she wants a guy with bad intentions in his mind during the act, but many guys just don't have that mindset. Sadly, sometimes the incompatibility is just too much to overcome.


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## HelpMeObiwan (Jul 13, 2016)

Thanks for the replies... there is truth in every one of the comments offered above.

I struggle to accept that perhaps there wasn't a relationship to begin with due to our sexual desires/incompatibility... and, I really feel for my kids... I don't want to be alone either. Our kids are so good... they deserve a proper happy home with two married parents... it pains me so very deeply to think they won't have that.

I've always been in shape and have gone to the gym actively since I was 21... recently I find myself wondering about going "all-in" when things fail... and see what would happen if I were to take steroids (I've used every legal supplement out there for many many years... steroids have always been there tempting me) and stay on them... no cycling off... forever... I would be like Nicolas Cage's character in Leaving Las Vegas... to the f'n end! 

I don't think I can bear this type of failure.

With some more digging... I have determined that this OM is married. I am wondering if I should contact her - his wife (I have her contact info) and let her know what our spouses are up to? I honestly don't know if this is right or wrong anymore... I'm emotionally distraught and disoriented. Advice on this?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

HelpMeObiwan said:


> Thanks for the replies... there is truth in every one of the comments offered above.
> 
> I struggle to accept that perhaps there wasn't a relationship to begin with due to our sexual desires/incompatibility... and, I really feel for my kids... I don't want to be alone either. Our kids are so good... they deserve a proper happy home with two married parents... it pains me so very deeply to think they won't have that.
> 
> ...


You can juice until the cows come home but IMO, getting bulkier is not going to help you keep your marriage. You can work on changing your physique to the Hulk but that's not going to help establish sexual compatibility with your wife. So why even go down that route knowing it's not going to result in a positive outcome and the negative side-effects from steroid use will have life-long consequences for you?

I agree with @MJJEAN that your relationship is over. Her announcement may have caught you by surprise but she's had 2.5 years to prepare for and come to the decision to leave. Not to be a Debbie Downer but I don't see how there's anything you can do to change her mind. Divorce is inevitable. The best thing you can do for yourself is to emotionally detach and prepare for a life without her. Start planning for the future.

Disclose to the OM's wife but only if have hard evidence to substantiate your claims as an act of kindness to her. Don't disclose with the hopes that it'll make your wife reconsider your marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

HelpMeObiwan said:


> Thanks for the replies... there is truth in every one of the comments offered above.
> 
> I struggle to accept that perhaps there wasn't a relationship to begin with due to our sexual desires/incompatibility... and, I really feel for my kids... I don't want to be alone either. Our kids are so good... they deserve a proper happy home with two married parents... it pains me so very deeply to think they won't have that.
> 
> ...


Your wife is not happy. Your kids already don't have a happy home with two parents. They have a home with two parents living in it. Big difference.

The sexual incompatibility isn't your fault and it's not a failing or deficit in you. It's simply that your natural sexual self and her natural sexual self are not a good match. Being fit and healthy is great, but bulking up won't change your sexual style, your likes and dislikes, nor will it change hers. 

Just because a man looks like Mr Universe doesn't mean a woman will find him sexually attractive or that the sex with him will be satisfying for her. It's not about appearance. It's more about kinks and quirks, sexual style, being into the same things. And, of course, physical attraction.

If your wife really is done, and was done before her EA started, contacting the OM's wife won't make a bit of difference.

If she is only trying to leave you to be with him, telling his wife will likely either result in him being thrown out and free to be with your wife or it will lead to him no longer having any contact with your wife at all.

There is also the fact that the BW has a right to know. I'd want someone to tell me if I were her.


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## HelpMeObiwan (Jul 13, 2016)

Again, thanks for the replies

I will contact the other man's wife and tell her/give her the proof... I agree, if I didn't know... I'd want someone to do that for me... still not sure if it's the morally right thing to do though...

I am meeting with my Pastor to discuss my situation and condition... there are just so many emotions I am feeling; I feel like I can't think straight, my mind hurts... sometimes I just weep, other times I am raging out... but, this problem is a persistent thought which makes me sick; one I wish I could forget about it if even for a little while.

I find myself wading between hope and despair... and sadly, way too much time cruising pro-suicide message boards (which are surprisingly hard to find... search engines do not reveal those links I've found out).

Last night my 2-year old had found one of his Mom's nail polishes and the lid wasn't on properly. He grabbed it and tossed it to the ground resulting in nail polish spilling all over the hard wood in the dining room. Because of all the stuff I am going through I got angry and lost my temper with him - I raised my voice and called him "a bad boy". He stood there crying saying "Daddy, Daddy.." until I had him and the floor cleaned up (which took a while, especially the floor)... I felt so bad - it wasn't him that I was angry at... it's the thoughts in my mind. I picked my little guy up and he gave me one of those hugs that only such a small little person can do - the ones where he they just melt into your shoulder. It was then that I saw the profile of him hugging me in the mirror and I noticed the tears running down his face as he started to calm. I just started to weep - my soul was bleeding and crying for help. I am so utterly crushed. My poor boy... what are we doing to you. This situation is so bad. I am such a failure.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If you are not ready to be strong for yourself be strong for them. They will need you more then ever during this transition. And yes you did the right thing in telling the OM's wife. Your a good man, she may not see it until it is too late but your a good man.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

HelpMeObiwan said:


> Last night my 2-year old had found one of his Mom's nail polishes and the lid wasn't on properly. He grabbed it and tossed it to the ground resulting in nail polish spilling all over the hard wood in the dining room. Because of all the stuff I am going through I got angry and lost my temper with him - I raised my voice and called him "a bad boy". He stood there crying saying "Daddy, Daddy.." until I had him and the floor cleaned up (which took a while, especially the floor)... I felt so bad - it wasn't him that I was angry at... it's the thoughts in my mind. I picked my little guy up and he gave me one of those hugs that only such a small little person can do - the ones where he they just melt into your shoulder. It was then that I saw the profile of him hugging me in the mirror and I noticed the tears running down his face as he started to calm. I just started to weep - my soul was bleeding and crying for help. I am so utterly crushed. My poor boy... what are we doing to you. This situation is so bad. I am such a failure.


When you are in an emotional state it is normal for there be some misdirection of your feelings. The good news is that kids forgive and forget easily and you can use it as a growth opportunity and let this experience channel you to becoming the type of parent that you want to be. I'm saying this from experience because I did the same thing when I was getting divorced. I was driving my son to go fishing and caught him lying to me about something stupid and I just ripped into him and chewed him out until he was in tears. Not my proudest moment, and I understand it was just pent up anger and hypersensitivity due to my XWW's constant lies. Now that I am a single dad I am a far better parent than I ever was before and that emotional rollercoaster that I was on during the divorce is long done. I'm very close to my son and he constantly tells me how good of a dad I am and how much he loves me. What I'm basically saying is don't be too hard on yourself. This will pass too and now you know that you need to spend some effort on yourself and your emotions to be the best parent that you can be. Remember that kids do better in two happy homes than one unhappy home.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your being in shape, not in shape, good in bed, bad in bed have nothing to do with why your wife is cheating on you and emotionally abusing you. 

She is selfish and only cares for her own needs. If she truly cared for you she would have worked with you to overcome the sexual incompatibility and other marital issues. She didn't have the resolve or self discipline to do that so instead she took the coward's way out. She has sh!t for boundaries and no respect for others. A typical entitled cheater. 

Get a divorce and get the hell away from this python. Then get yourself into counseling to find out why you pick these winners. I would bet that you have some codependency issues, and those are completely addressable and solvable. Also, go to Amazon and download _No More Mr. Nice Guy_ by Dr. Robert Glover and read that. 

But do not change who you are as a person. Keep being a good man. There are plenty of very loving and decent women out there who are perfectly satisfied having Amish sex.


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## HelpMeObiwan (Jul 13, 2016)

Thanks for all the replies and positive outlooks... I wasn't sure if telling my story on the internet would help but, it certainly has. Thanks to all of you... I am finding your advice and feedback very helpful in this difficult time.

I won't do steroids... I will continue to be natural ;-)

I had a very good three hour talk with my Pastor yesterday and that helped a lot too... he was actually the Pastor that married us; in a strange twist... I sat on the very same couch and talked with him about separation and divorce as I did when my wife and I were talking with him doing our premarital classes (I feel like there should be another name for her now... calling her that seems out of place but she isn't my ex yet either...).

I am sure that there will be hard times ahead but, I can handle them now better than I could at the start of the week.

This afternoon I am going to Family Court to pick up the separation papers and to at least get them started. I also have to call the CFO (Chief Firearms Office - here in Canada) and find out how I go about relocating my firearms (here in Canada, there are a lot of laws regarding restricted firearms - semiautomatic)... not sure how that is going to go.

I still haven't formally told my wife that I know she's having an affair (I was reading her e-mails to the OM on her phone's outlook app... she didn't know that deleting them only moves them to the trash... she never deleted them from there... so, I took pictures of them in her trash - as "evidence"... and I have the text logs from my carrier (as our phones are in my name) where I can see the hundreds of texts they've sent each other - for months! I don't know if I will even mention it to her... it won't change anything... I know it, and she might be suspicious that I do... especially so because the other day she has since put a pass code on her phone... as such, I will no longer be able to see how her romance is playing out... but, I already know enough.

The pastor did say not to bother telling the other woman... he's seen this done many times before and it never turns out good. He advised me that the only time I should bother doing that is if I have reason to believe this OM will be trouble for my children. I told him, well this guy is certainly of poor moral quality... he's got two daughters with his wife, aged 19 and 15... so he's likely been married for 20 years... yeah, my wife can pick them...

I will continue to write here with updates as to all my personal drama and I look forward to reading your responses - you are all helping me through this tough time.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go nuclear option. Get the separation papers filed. Then serve notice to your wife and notify the OM's wife the same day. Print out copies of all the texts and e-mails and put them in a stack on your wife's dresser. You don't have to say a word to her. Just leave her the separation notice and those text copies. Text her and tell her she has something waiting for her on her dresser when she gets home. That is all you have to do. 

I disagree with your pastor wholeheartedly. You have a moral obligation to tell the OM's wife what is going on. She is being victimized and doesn't know it. How would you feel if everybody around you knew your wife was cheating but never told you? Exercise some empathy here and quit worrying about the fallout. 

Then do the 180 to begin emotionally detaching:

*THE 180*

_For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient.

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallestCONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes._


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Stbx = soon to be ex.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

I went thru this with my ex wife. The emotional affair is to be expected, you have not been meeting her needs for years, both emotional and physical. This is precisely what happened at the end of my marriage. 

Is it over? who knows. But if you want to salvage it get busy. I agree with others, stop the seperation stuff. Court her. become a freaking animal in bed. read some articles. I was sexually timid also to my ex wife. I learned later that women want to be ravashed. I was able to let that animal side out with other women.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I hate to say this, but you really need to just let her go. Sexual incompatibility isn't something you can just "fix"... you either have it or you don't, and it really is nobody's fault. Evidently this is a big enough issue between you that it has become a deal breaker for your wife. I am not condoning her behavior, her belittling you is completely out of line and non productive. And her becoming involved with another man is inexcusable. 

Let her go. Give yourself a chance to find some happiness, you don't deserve this treatment.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

The bad news is that saving this marriage is not an option because it's not what your wife wants. 

This is not about what you want- at all.

The good news is that since you're already moving in a steady and reasonable direction towards divorce, including asset distribution and child care, the divorce just may go smoother than your marriage did.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'd be divorcing this woman, not separating. You deserve better, she only wants a separation to see if it works out or not with her first option. Sadly, you are her second option, now. I'm sorry you're in such a mess, praying for you. May your faith keep you strong and see you through.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

HelpMeObiwan said:


> *Throughout our marriage, my wife hasn’t been happy with our sex life.
> 
> *She admits that everything else was good but, she needed the sex to be more like 50 shades of grey and, well - I was more like soft core Amish porn or something…
> 
> ...





3Xnocharm said:


> I hate to say this, but you really need to just let her go. Sexual incompatibility isn't something you can just "fix"... you either have it or you don't, and it really is nobody's fault. Evidently this is a big enough issue between you that it has become a deal breaker for your wife. I am not condoning her behavior, her belittling you is completely out of line and non productive. And her becoming involved with another man is inexcusable.


If you look at it from the wife's point of view, I'd be willing to bet she was incredibly sexually frustrated and took some age old advice. Tell him! Isn't that what we advise all the time? If you're unsatisfied, tell him! Teach him! Show him! So, she did. 

Take the oral example above. WTH was she supposed to do? Just lay there, thinking of Queen and country, until he was finished doing something to her body that she didn't enjoy and didn't want to continue doing? She did the right thing. She told him to stop and explained why. She, after a very long time trying to teach OP, told him what the problem was in very clear and easily understood terms. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I don't think it was belittling to honestly say " The way you go down on me feels like a sterile medical procedure." if that's how it felt to her.

A few posters have mentioned she should have tried to "fix" the sexual incompatibility. What they're missing is that she _did _try to fix it. She gave tips and tricks, she told him what she wanted, she told him what she needed. After a time, she realized the problem isn't solvable.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

loverguy said:


> I went thru this with my ex wife. *The emotional affair is to be expected, you have not been meeting her needs for years, both emotional and physical*. This is precisely what happened at the end of my marriage.


This does not in any way justify his wife's EA. She should've gotten happy or gotten out. 

OP - you have a moral obligation to tell the OM's wife. Do the right thing. You don't have to blast it all over FB or be public about it, but do tell her at least privately - so that SHE can decide if she wants to stay or go.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Obi my man, despite your tormentors crass remarks about your sexual techniques, you may want to pay attention and could indicate you may have a bit of an easily correctable problem. A little research and study on your part would do wonders to improve your lovelife. 
On the other hand, you need to get rid of this vampire before she sucks the rest the life out of you. She way too high maintenance in emotional costs and you ain't going to be able to change that. She's lost romantic interest in you and probably never had any respect. As a general rule, when a woman starts insulting your technique rather than telling you what she wants, get rid of her. (same with a man) Once they start down that path of insensitivity, it gets worse rather than better.
Now for the bottom line. Your admitted lack of experience dealing with woman makes you vulnerable to unwittingly causing them take advantage of you and/or lose interest in and respect for you. You may want to PM me for some guidance and sources to correct this problem.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> A few posters have mentioned she should have tried to "fix" the sexual incompatibility. What they're missing is that she _did _try to fix it. She gave tips and tricks, she told him what she wanted, she told him what she needed. After a time, she realized the problem isn't solvable.


She didn't do enough, and he wasn't listening enough. No one is giving him a free pass on this. 

But they could have gone to a sex therapist or a marriage coach. She could have gone online with him and had him watch some sex techniques videos with him and told him "see what that guy is doing. That is what I need you to do."

Is that sexy? No. Is it embarrassing? For many women yes. Most women never think they might actually have to coach their husbands in how to please them. They seem to think all men are born lovers who know all the moves. They do not want to look like ****s in front of their husbands, so they shy away from doing what they need to do to get their men to please them the way they want. 

But I think it is deeper than that. I have a suspicion she was never sexually attracted to him in the first place. He had everything she wanted except the body type, looks and moves.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Banned-It.45 said:


> She didn't do enough
> *snip*
> I have a suspicion she was never sexually attracted to him in the first place. He had everything she wanted except the body type, looks and moves.


This is why I said there is nothing anyone can do. Not her, not him, not a sex therapist or a marriage coach. Attraction is or isn't. It cannot be manufactured or taught.


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## 1985Anon (Jul 11, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Ok, you need to put the brakes on this whole separating business she's pushing. No offense, but you come across rather weak, and "go with the flow". You need to start being strong and respectable. Put your food down, and tell her that you don't want to separate, and stop cooperating with her efforts to make that happen. Don't be the nerdy kid everyone can push around with impunity.
> =



wow, I have never read a more ignorant comment in my life. Separation does NOT have to be a joint decision. Ideally will you agree and work together to reach the conclusion? OF COURSE. But your wife is under no obligation to stay with you, and I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. She sounds decided on leaving this marriage. You cannot force her to stay. Yes you should state how you feel and that you want to reconcile . . . but if she doesn't want to then there is nothing you can do.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> This is why I said there is nothing anyone can do. Not her, not him, not a sex therapist or a marriage coach. Attraction is or isn't. It cannot be manufactured or* taught.*


Correct, but what _can_ be taught is for a mom to teach her daughter not to marry a man who she is not physically and sexually attracted to. It is a time bomb waiting to blow up the marriage.

This needs to be taught in Modern Chick Class 101 when girls are about 12.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Having dated for 1 year, one would think she would have known about his sexual prowess or lack thereof. Maybe she thought he would get better with time. That could have happened if she had been a loving and compassionate teacher. Either she was a bad teacher or he was an unwilling student. A sexual therapist could have helped and may still be able to help if both are on board. But, all of the education and instruction in the world can't fix a lack of attraction.


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