# Husband Confessed and I'm Crying



## Della (May 13, 2009)

Sunday night my husband confessed to me that he had met up with a prostitute a few weeks ago. It was a one time deal, and he regretted it immediately afterwards. We had been having problems (he wants more sex/I want less) but I thought we were coming to an understanding. He said it started with viewing porno when he was stressed out over us fighting about sex. We have sex at least 3 times a week, and although I am not overly excited all the time, I really made an effort every Sunday morning because that's when we have the time to relax and enjoy each other's company.

I was so shocked at what my husband of 14 years (and father to my 4 children) had done, I was speechless. It made me sick to think that he had been with some strange woman one day and then with me less than 24 hours later. Monday I was a basketcase and told him to leave the house. He has been staying at his mother's (who lives in the same town) since then. He comes home after work to see the kids, then goes on to her house for the night.

He is so sorry and regretful, but I keep asking myself "why wasn't I enough for him". He says he loves me and will do anything to keep me. I am so full of emotions right now I still can't think straight. I don't want him near me and the thought of allowing him back into my bed makes me want to throw up. I always thought he was the love of my life, and now I just don't know anything.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I am very sorry. I simply can't understand why any man would do such a thing. Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Welcome to the site.


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## Katy44 (May 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry. There are just no excuses for his behavior. Don't you ever forget that.

I don't know what I would do.  Here for ya.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

see ladies this is a catch22...

The man expressed he wanted more sex WITH his wife, She stated she wanted less sex with her husband? Why?

They fought about it, she never ever realized how important it was to him, the physical connection the intamcy he was yearning for with his wife.

Frustrated he turned to porn like many men...they got bored with their spouse who was quickly to turn down his advances. He desired her, but she said no. He turned to porn...

He finally went over the edge to get some physical "connection" yes it was wrong, but he is not the first guy nor will he be the last.

Now don't get me wrong, it is not the woman's fault here, that is not what I am saying.

I am simply saying, there was no compromise, she avoided the warnings he was telling her. She felt it was her right to say no to sex, he turned to someone else. This is how affairs come to be.

So listen to your spouse when they bring this up. She wasn't listening to what he was telling her. Maybe a little fun, a little role play, something to compromise the "boredom" he felt the disconnection.

So often the women feel they can "deny" the man sex and he should "live with the decision" (this is the same for the man who does not want to have sex with his wife) then act surprised when they finally turn elsewhere for "love"

communication, compromise, exploration....

Sorry it came to this....but why where you denying him sex in the first place? I know 3 times a week sounds like allot, but a man with a high libido may need more intamcy in some form or fashion.

The question remains, what do you want to do about this? keep him and work it out? or do you want him gone?


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## Della (May 13, 2009)

First - I must say that 3x a week was our comprimise which I thought had been working. At the time this all happened we weren't "fighting". This has been an ongoing problem our whole marriage and we have tried many things, but there had been no lasting option that worked.

Second - You bring up something I have always wondered, and now is a good time to ask. Why is the one with the higher libido considered the offended spouse? Why am I the one in the "wrong" because I have the lower libido. I have looked at and tried many products and programs about my low sex drive. Why isn't there an anti-Viagra to help lower his libido?

Third - While I am mad about the actual sin he committed, I am confused as to how he could quickly jump back into bed with me, the wife he has confessed his undying love for throughout the years. Obviously he felt guilt or he wouldn't have confessed (I've been reading the posts of those who didn't find out for years). He was genuinely shocked when I kicked him out of the house and my bed. If he didn't think he was getting enough sex then, he's really hurting now.

Fourth - Yes, I am willing to work it out, but RIGHT NOW I am grieving the marriage I thought I had. We both are starting counseling today; it is something we should have done a LONG time ago.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

1.+ 2. Why do you have such a low libido? There must be something to this. Do you really find him attractive? or is he "just a good man" I have a very high libido, but I do not need sex 7 days a week, I do masturbate and I know my wife has a semi-high libido. She plays with her toy when i am not around.

Do you suffer from depression? any other medical conditioning?

To him Compromising to "3 times a week" is "low" while for you it is "high" we are about 5-7 times a week, together 20 years.

3. he jumped back in bed with you right away, trying to get it out of his mind...make it go away. You know, you drop a vase and it breaks, you quickly try and put it back together with your hands, maybe add some glue....but you broke it...it will never be the same....The sex with you right away was his way of trying to fix it immediately, he could not live with the guilt.

4th... Glad you are going to counseling, you both need it and in orsder to repair these deep issues you need to get it out.

Best of luck, yes he made a major error in judgement, but it will take time to heal this wound. But you must also figure out why your libido is so low. We do not negotiate sex, it is passion for us it happens when we are ready. We constantly firt and tease each other. Your marriage has other major issues that needs to be ironed out.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

First I am not defending your husband. But I may be able to explain what is going through his mind. A man judges the condition of his marriage by intercourse with his wife. That is a fact. Can I ask a couple of questions about your response to him wanting sex?

When he would ask for sex did you ever give the "yuk face" to him? You know the face where it looks like you just ate a spoonful of bad potato salad? 

How about the infamous "Maybe"? You know where he would ask you if you could make love later and then when later came, maybe turned out to be "No"

Did you ever withhold sex to punish or control him?


A man derives his security in marriage from sex with his wife. Put it this way. How would you have felt, if when he brought his check home from work, if he said, he "might" put it in the bank". Or you needed a new dish washer and he said "Yuk" and went and bought a new TV or motorcycle. Would you feel secure if he made decisions like that. Or what if he only communicated with you 3 times a week. Would you feel secure in your marriage. Probably not.

He screwed up. No doubt. But what brought him to that decision? Your marriage was obviously in a lot worse condition then you thought. 

You can only have sex in a marriage as much as the one who wants it least permits. And though he may not be a victim by you denying him sex. It is how he judged the condition of his marriage.

So now, you don't want him back. Understandable. He has broken his vows. You will probably never look at him the same. Will you go to counseling, or do you want a divorce? Are you ready for life as a single mom? Well one thing is for sure. You won't have to worry about having sex with him from now on. 

Some of these questions may seem harsh. But the fact is. They are reality. Now the question is what do you want? Not, what does he want. You are angry now, totally understandable. He was an idiot. But I do think he loves you. You need to put anger in the back seat for a while. And start to think of what comes next.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well he was stupid for going to a prostitute and even more ignorant for telling you that he did...that did nothing but place his burden upon you. And I would wonder more about why he is intent on hurting you than worrying about sex at this point.

If the compromise was three times a week, IMHO, that's a decent amount of sex...especially when you have been married as long as they have.

I don't think the OP is or was out of line so people need to stop blaming her and making excuses for the husband. I don't buy the men turn to porn and then look for the company of another woman crap for a minute...um, hello, smack the monkey if you have to but you don't stray from your marriage.

What he did was beyond dumb...but I think the OP needs to stop worrying about the sex part and dig a little deeper into what's going on in their marriage that would make him want to punish her and hurt her like he did.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Della (May 13, 2009)

You bring up some interesting points. Yes, I have used that "yuk face". No, I have never used sex to punish or control. Yes, I have a hard time equating the strength of my marriage to number of times we have sex. Yes, my marriage was in bigger trouble than I thought. I agree, the quantity is determined by the one who wants it least, but doesn't quality count for something? 

I still want to know why it is wrong for me to ask him to slow down. "Because he's a guy" is not a good enough reason. There have been times when I gave him as much as he needed, but it didn't satisfy his hunger, only fueled it.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Della you are not being clear here...

Did you always have a low libido? or did it tapper off? and why?

Do you have any children? how old?

I been with my wife 20 years, I want her more now sexually then when we first started dating. My love and desire for her fuels my "libido" Just yesterday I walked behind her and was checking out her legs and butt thinking how good they look.

Do you not find your husband sexy?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> A man derives his security in marriage from sex with his wife. Put it this way. How would you have felt, if when he brought his check home from work, if he said, he "might" put it in the bank". Or you needed a new dish washer and he said "Yuk" and went and bought a new TV or motorcycle. Would you feel secure if he made decisions like that. Or what if he only communicated with you 3 times a week. Would you feel secure in your marriage. Probably not.


Della,

You kind of just skimmed over this. With your husband, we are not talking rational thought here. We are talking feelings. And as it has been said many times "Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are". 

Now when you give the Yuk face. In your husbands mind you are saying "sex with you, Yuk. Because, how can anybody say no to sex. It must be me." 

Also, do you do the "maybe" thing?

Oh, and I am not blaming you. If your husband was here, I would be helping him word an apology letter after giving him crap, for what he has done. You are the only one here, so I can only give you my opinion as to what might be going through his mind. 

You say that you don't punish him with withholding sex. Read your first post. You do now, right? 

Back to the question at hand. What do you want?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Della said:


> He is so sorry and regretful, but I keep asking myself "why wasn't I enough for him". He says he loves me and will do anything to keep me.


He does love you. He thought that you didn't want him. Irrational, I know, but he was obviously able to convince himself of it.

The ball is in your court. Counseling and reconciliation or divorce?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Della....nobody has mentioned this yet...but...

Get him, and yourself tested!! He went to a hooker. Whether he used a condom or not, he put his and your health at risk!


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## Della (May 13, 2009)

Okay, okay. I do have a counseling appointment this afternoon. I have not made a decision on what to do, but I am not heading in the direction of divorce. And my main reason for kicking him out of the house/withholding sex is not to punish him, but to work things out for myself. 

I don't know that I have always had "low" libido, but it has always been less than his. We have 4 children ages 13 o 5. I recently lost 20 pounds and have 10 more to go. He says I look amazing. I also started working last year after 10 years as a stay-at-home mom. I think my husband is good-looking and is extemely romantic, and while I am satisfied with a nice dinner and movie and some cuddling, he is not satisfied without intercourse.

Because of our faith and our (prior) committment to each other, I have always held in my heart that infidelity was the ultimate sin and a divorce was the only option. I used to ridicule women who "stood by their man". Now that it has happened to me, I am having to rethink everything, and it hurts.

And I am going to get tested before I start up anything with him again.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

" If he didn't think he was getting enough sex then, he's really hurting now." Um sounds like punishment to me.

Della I am so sorry you are going through this. I have walked this path with my wife. Your getting some great advice from allot of people here. Your husband was wrong for what he did. He risked your life for his pleasure. This is the day of Aids and hookers are not exactly picky with who they are dealing with.

Please look for my post about the road back from infidelity. If you decide that the path you want to choose. You see I was the one that cheated on my wife and she said all the same things you saying. Get the book His needs Her needs. What my wife and I found out was she was trying to fill my needs for sex and I was trying to fill her needs for affection by each our on indicators. I thought I was giving her all the affectiion she wanted having and active sex life. She thought she was giving me the sex I wanted by trying to be more affectionate. 

The book is about we all have 7 basic needs. The problem is if we listed the needs in order of importance to ourselves and then compared them to our spouses list we would probably find that are list were almost exact opposits. Every time my wife was too busy to take care of my sexual needs I felt like she didnt respect me. YES THIS IS CRAZY. MY SEXUAL NEEDS WAS TIED TO, DOES MY WIFE RESPECT ME? MY KIDS NEEDS ALWAYS CAME BEFORE MY NEEDS IT SEEMED IN MY WIFES BOOK. SHE GAVE ME SEX BUT MANY TIMES SHE DIDNT FILL MY NEED FOR RESPECT. I THOUGHT I WANTED MORE SEX BUT IT NEVER FUFFILLED MY DESIRE. THE CRAZY PART WAS I THOUGHT I WAS NOT GETTING ENOUGH SEX WHEN I FELT I WAS NOT GETTING ENOUGH RESPECT.


The other thing I can suggest is both of you getting and watching the move Fireproof. I think you can get it even at a redbox. It is a religous movie but I think you will very much enjoy it. 

I again am sorry this happened to you both. It is a wake up call to your marriage that it is broken. The good news is that you can learn how to build your marriage into something so much better than it ever could have been before. It will take years because it took that long to get where you are now. I so much enjoy working on my marriage that I never did before it makes me feel so good.

Since your Husband confessed I think you have a great foundation to build on. Ask him if he is willing to do the work at making a new and better marriage for you both? If he answers yes then hold him to that and move forward.

God Bless you both and if I can help either of you it is ok to send me and email.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Della,

As further proof of my point regarding the way men look at sex. When you have a fight with your husband, afterwords does he want sex? Of course. Its how he is reassured that your marriage is OK. With women, "Sex after fighting, you must be drinking your bath water. No we won't have sex" Am I right? Or am I right?


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## beachlover (May 8, 2009)

I just forgave my husband for a one time indiscretion in our marriage of 32 years (that happened 25 years ago!) I'm not saying that I didn't "grieve" his infidelity (and still do) as this was all new to me even though it happened a long time ago. My husband had sex with a woman he admired and respected, who was also married with young children. It wasn't planned but was told it just happened at an out of town conference. They both realized this was a BIG mistake....after it happened of course. He was stupid enough to mention this to a relative who apparently never forgot it and decided to tell me when our relationship with this relative went south. At least your husband told you which was probably a cry for help. I hope you and your husband can get through this with marriage counseling. I realized that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and all our good times certainly outweighed the bad. We are closer than ever and this has opened the lines of communication. Good Luck with your situation. Please keep us updated.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I have also been in a similar situation with my husband.

I learned the hard way that you can't ignore issues in a marriage (including sex) and expect them just to go away or get better. This is difficult for me to admit, but I rejected my husband sexually for years. I would give the eye-roll, the OMG-I can't believe you are asking for this look-just about every time he would ask. Yet, he stayed faithful to me. He was/is a good guy. 

Finally, other issues came up in our marriage that were the proverbial straw. My H had a brief affair last year. Out of guilt, be distanced himself from me emotionally and sexually. For the first time, I felt how it was to be rejected sexually. It made me wake up to how I had been acting toward him all those years. 

Let me be clear that I am not taking all the blame for my husband's affair-that is all on him- but I have to be honest and say that my behavior at least contributed to his bad decision-making. 

OP, like you, I thought that infidelity was a deal-breaker and if I had been the perfect wife to my husband-then I would have walked after his A. But the thing is, I had to face some of the consequences of my own behavior-I was not all that great of a spouse myself. No infidelity of any kind on my part but plenty of other things.

Like your husband, one mistake was enough for my husband. His was a ONS with a colleague. He still very obviously loved me and I loved him so I gave him a second chance. I'm not saying this is what you should do-only you can decide what is best for you.

I agree with most of the posts on this thread, great, honest advice even though it is hard to read! Thanks to all the guys who posted their thoughts here! :smthumbup:


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## Della (May 13, 2009)

I just got back from my first counseling session. There are way more issues than I first thought, but I feel like there's hope. Thank you also for all of the feedback. Yes, some of the advice was hard to hear. Feedback from men was the most thought provoking. Thanks women for the sympathy and empathy! Maybe I can give encouraging words to others out there in the future.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my h did this last april 08. i tried to save the marriage for over a yr and felt enough was enough . there are other issues. but after 13 yrs and this deed, well yeh im kinda ok now, got no choice, but it broke my heart. 
we have been together 14 yrs this yr and its time to stop fighting for my marriage and move on. i wish you the best of luck. these situations are heart breakers.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Infidelity is a deal breaker!!! 

My xgf cheated on my once, we were working past it. But she dumped me in March and married her neighbor in April! 

Three days before her wedding we were in my car going for an inspection (for new plates) -- NOT A WORD!! 

Move on. I know it hurts. My pain will be months before I get over it and it will last a lifetime. So will yours. It will only lessen, not disappear. 

Keep on hanging in there. Find a new friend (in time). Don't let life get you down. One day at a time. That's all we can do.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

the last two posters are well respected but I think it is bad advice since they are hurting right now.

Got hrough your counseling, as you said, you found out there were more issues then you previously thought.

Maybe, you can work them out to better your husband and yourself. You said you have strong faith, well it is being tested.

Yes your hubby made a grave error, but it is for you only to decide where you want to go with this.

Take your time, think it out, talk to him. Do what you think is best and no quick decisions off emotions.

I'll take a hooker over a neighbor anyday at least you know that was not "emotional" it was purely business for the woman, and hopefully it was a high end woman.

I say work it out, go to counseling and see where you stand.

Best of luck, Sorry if I sound harsh, but woman often just blame the men, when it is really BOTH parties to blame.

Lots of good advice on here and real emotional pain.


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

What men don't seem to understand is how DIFFICULT it is for us to have sex with you when we don't really want to. The rejection is not always a punishment or control thing or even an 'I don't care' thing. Everyone knows when a woman doesn't feel loved or connected or whatever she needs, she doesn't feel like sex. But men don't seem to get that we can't just change that or ignore that and just 'do it' like you guys can. Some women can fake through it but you say you don't want that cause you feel guilty or you don't enjoy it as much if she's not all into it. WTF?
Sorry but that's how it is-you can't just screw a man and hope he'll communicate with you after. The communication needs to come first.
So yes you do have to actually make sure she's ok if you expect all this sex whenever you want it. I'm not saying the realtionship needs to be perfect or every problem resolved. But there is a minimum ( which is different for every woman) that she needs to be able to even try to get into it. The man needs to know what his wife's minimum is.
It's so easy for a man to complain that he's not getting it like he used to-that's a black and white thing. But womens' needs are harder to express and much easier for the man to deny he's not meeting.
Women love sex too. But we sure don't want it if you ignored us all day or hurt our feelings the day before or weren't there when we needed you.
So you can blame it on us all you want but ask yourself if you treat your wife as good as when you started dating. You were always there for her then, weren't you? You made time for dinners and dates and getting to know her. If she had a problem you were probably right there trying to fix everything huh? And now you wonder why she's not all over you like she used to be.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

Della,

As someone who has been cheated on, Let me say how sorry I am for you. But I'd like to give you hope that reconciliation is possible...if that is what YOU decide. 

I also wanted to address what Peaches wrote:


peaches said:


> Everyone knows when a woman doesn't feel loved or connected or whatever she needs, she doesn't feel like sex. But men don't seem to get that we can't just change that or ignore that and just 'do it' like you guys can.


:iagree: I agree with this statement 100%. If a man wants/needs sex from his spouse, then he should realize that his wife probably wants/needs affection-love-romance-communication just as much. And she needs it to come first to be extremely motivated for truly intimate sex.

However, I think wives should realize, for many men they have a hard time making that affectionate-intimate-communication when they feel cut off from sex. It goes back to what Happyquest said about feeling respected.



peaches said:


> Sorry but that's how it is-you can't just screw a man and hope he'll communicate with you after.


 However, I think many men often feel "you can't just open up and be vulnerable and hope that she'll have sex with you afterword" Many men have a fear of rejection. And when they open up, but then get no sex, even if it's not intentional they feel like their wife rejects them.

So although I agree with Peaches that women need communication first, I do think it often comes down to who is willing to be unselfish first. Who will make the leap of faith. Men, we need to communicate and meet their needs of non-sexual affection and intimacy and we will probably get more sex. Women, do your best to meet that sexual need, and chances are there will be more emotional intimacy-communication.

That is a general statement that I believe about relationships. And in Della's situation, he has wronged her and needs to focus on his part first. But at some point Della, IF you decide to work it out, you will need to love him in the way he needs too, even when he doesn't deserve it.

May God Bless you during this process.


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

Ted said:


> I do think it often comes down to who is willing to be unselfish first. Who will make the leap of faith.


Ok let's look at the two possible scenarios then,
If the man 'goes first' and has good communication with a woman, opens up, gets vulnerable, etc and he doesn't get sex after, the man feels bad and rejected. Now, I am not downplaying this feeling at all-I know it must be very hard for men to have to make all (or most) of the advances starting with asking girls to dance then asking for dates then marriage proposals and the infamous "can I have some tonight honey" stuff you guys have to go through-only to be told "no" the majority of the time. Believe me , I know that has to to suck. 
Still- as bad as that feeling is, I don't think it's as bad as we feel if it's the other way around-which would be the 'have the sex first then hope the man will open up and get close after' option we're talking about---
In this scenario-the woman has the sex( and there is quite a bit of vunerablity in that on it's own) then she hopes for the closeness and doesn't get it. The woman goes beyond feeling rejected-she feels used-_sexually used_. I don't know if men understand that feeing, they don't really seem to experience it. Men joke all the time about how great it'd be to be a sex object or "yeah baby use me for my body"--it's not only unbothersome , many _guys aspire to it !_
But for us it's a really nasty, lingering feeling. Certainly not a feeling you want to associate to your husband. And talk about not feeling respected---well, I'll stop there.
Now take on top of that-the man really doesn't just want sex-he wants good sex, interesting sex, he wants her all into it, he wants her to get off, he wants to feel like a good lover. 
Even if the woman decides to be the bigger person and take the leap of faith, she can't_ just have sex _ You guys will still complain about your sex lives and not want to be close if the sex is "boring" or in the dark or she doesn't wear lingerie or knee socks and ponytails.
Do you know how comfortable we have to be for all that?? We can feel soooo sexy dressed up for you, making the sound effects, trying new things----or we can feel like a total *****. And it all has to do with how close she feels to you going into it.



So, if you guys can't open up for fear of rejection, then at least take the time to talk to her about _her_. Ask her questions about _her_ feelings and stuff--and listen like you're interested and for pete's sake look her in the eyes. Then she's doing all the opening up and you're just being there for her showing that you care and accept her and still love her no matter what stupid things she says or does. She'll feel close to you, then you can get the hot sex-keep doing that for a while and open up yourself when you're ready. And if you have to have a few "her" talks that don't lead to sex, then at least you won't feel all vunerable, like you bared everything and she rejected you.
If that's still too much trouble then maybe you shouldn't be with her.

BTW, I'm not trying to be negative or accusatory. I really appreciate you guys sharing your feelings here. I think we all want to understand each other better, sometimes you have to be blunt for that


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

Peaches,

I do agree with you. Even as a man, I see how frustrating it must be for women when their spouse wants sex, but is unwilling to give himself emotionally to her, or unwilling to be romantic, or whatever it is that she wants.

My point was, that each partner has needs which they are hopeful their spouse will meet. (I perhaps have been brainwashed by the book _"His Needs, Her Needs"_ which I recommend strongly.) When those go unmet it just makes it harder for the spouse to give. 

If a husband does not communicate before sex...you said the wife isn't in the mood. If the result is then NO sex...then the husband feels rejected and is less likely to communicate...which leads to less sex...and so on. It very often becomes an ugly cycle of resentment on both sides which can ultimately lead to one or both partners going elsewhere to have their marital needs met. (We're talking about sex and communication because those are two major ones, but there are some couples who have other needs that are higher up for them. When these go unmet the result is the same.)

I guess my points are:

1. If a couple expects to meet halfway, that is usually not quite far enough. Each partner should go all the way to meet the other person if they expect that person to do the same.

2. Honesty is very important. As a slow man, it took me a long time to realize what you made so clear in your post. That I should take the time to listen. 

I know it's not fair, but men are slow that way, at least I am. But I also think that women fail to realize how strong a desire for sex can be for the majority of men. As INFORTHEDURATION said, "It's how we judge the condition of our relationship."

Each person has to be open and honest about their needs, and unselfish enough, if they really love their spouse, to meet some of their needs that they don't find as important.

That's my two cents. But I really do agree that many men do not realize the whole importance of affection and communication first.


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

Ted said:


> Each person has to be open and honest about their needs, and unselfish enough, if they really love their spouse, to meet some of their needs that they don't find as important.


absolutely-totally agree

I'm curious about the sex being how men judge their realtionships. I read that on here before and thought it was a very strong statement. Do all men feel this way? I know sex is important and being on this forum I have learned alot about that. But do you really "judge the condition of your realtionship" by just sex (or mainly sex)? If so, women need to understand this better-any input would be really helpful.


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