# Babies make things hard.



## starkid42

I'm hoping joining some forums can help give me some input. It's hard to find sources of good input. 

My wife and I have a 7 month old, and since then she's being staying at home. I'm 2 months into a new job, and things haven't been that bad, but recently tension has been building over household chores and what's important. I know she spends all day taking care of the baby and I've been trying to compensate by doing a majority of the house/yard work. Recently she's been doing more chores, but I pretty much exclusively do all the errands and I'm the only one that cooks any meals. We've been struggling with our weight and we want to save money, so I'm trying to cook healthier meals and make more frugal shopping choices. Lately I've felt that she's been looking at these like they don't matter. If I try to make time to do yard work, she acts annoyed like I'm doing it for fun instead of a chore. It's now at the point where it's gonna cost a few hundred dollars to clean up, but she seems to ignore it. If I try to shop healthier, she gets upset because she doesn't want it, and if I try to shop somewhere cheaper such as Walmart, she gets upset that we're not going where she wants to go. Yet when I bring it up that it's cheaper and saves money, she gets upset I'm not giving her a say (but then will complain about not having a ton of money a week later). I just feel like I'm trying to do all these things to help our situation, and there is no appreciate; yet I'm doing what I can to let her know I appreciate her.



Last night was rough as I tried to do our normal routine of going shopping and cooking something to cook at home since we ate out all weekend, but she was set on only wanting to eat out at Panda. When I brought up it'd probably be cheaper and healthier she got really upset. We ended up going to Panda and it wasn't a huge deal, but I still feel like she's treating me more like a bad guy. This morning is when it blew up though. I was about to go to work and she had just woken up (and usually she scrolls through facebook first thing). She showed me a meme she thought was funny about dishes/laundry/garbage being dirty, and the husband is in the attic blowing leaves around. She meant it as a joke, but I didn't find it funny at all. I viewed it as her telling me all the things I try to do as chores are not important and that she doesn't appreciate them. She got pretty upset, I don't blame her as she pretty much woke up and we went straight at it over what she thought was a "joke", but I didn't find it a joke at all. I saw it as her not appreciating anything I do.

Any advice how to go about it when I get home? I want her to know I appreciate her staying home, and I want her to feel that way, but I also want to feel appreciated and not like I do chores for "fun" instead of work.

Also babies make things hella hard.

EDIT: The forum isn't letting me post replies to this forum, but my wife and I are in our late 20s.


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## Prodigal

How old are you and your wife?


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## Yeswecan

starkid42 said:


> but I also want to feel appreciated


This is all we need to know. Your W should show and verbally say she appreciate what you do. Time for some marriage counseling.


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## Adelais

Yes on marriage counseling, if she is willing to do self evaluation, otherwise it will be a waste of time.

Babies definitely change the balance in a huge way. It sounds like you are empathetic and flexible, but she is not. She sounds like she can only see everything and everyone from her own perspective.

That's great that you are taking an active role in your weight loss. She doesn't seem committed to it.


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## Yeswecan

Adelais said:


> Yes on marriage counseling, if she is willing to do self evaluation, otherwise it will be a waste of time.
> 
> Babies definitely change the balance in a huge way. It sounds like you are empathetic and flexible, but she is not. She sounds like she can only see everything and everyone from her own perspective.
> 
> That's great that you are taking an active role in your weight loss. She doesn't seem committed to it.


I would like to add it appears your W views her roll as "mom" only. Anything outside of taking care of the baby is for you. Let that continue and watch the resentment increase to critical. Furthermore, I would hope your W at least says good morning before flipping through Facebook.


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## uhtred

Counseling is a good suggestion. I think many couples discover that having a baby is far more work / sacrifice than the had expected. 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2702669/

This means that both parents have to work very hard to keep their realtionship working


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## FalCod

Man, that sucks. My wife decided to become a SAHM when we had kids. The first month or two was really rough for both of us, but after that, she took over everything. Since that time, she's handled all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. We hire out the lawn work and the pool work. My only responsibilities is sharing in the parenting, making the money, and the financial planning/tracking. Admittedly, my wife is universally hailed as amazing, but a reasonable compromise for a SAHP should be somewhere closer to what she does that doing nothing but child rearing.

That said, year one for each child was very difficult for her and in several ways. First, it takes a lot of time. Those little buggers need lots of attention. It is also tough because they don't let you get enough sleep. Finally, having a baby is hard on a woman's body. The hormonal soup affects each person differently, but it was a very difficult time for my wife to manage her emotions. She'd cry over sappy commercials. She'd get freaked out that the slightest noise might wake the baby. It was very hard for her and took some extra patience from both of us.

I'm not sure what to advise you. It clearly seems that something needs to change. Was she lazy before you had kids? Does this situation mirror what she grew up in? I don't see many SAHMs anymore but the ones I do see don't have anything like the division of labor you describe.


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## Cynthia

When our first child was about nine months old, I quit my job to stay home. My husband and I had two different shifts that wasn't working for us after the baby came. The agreement was that my job was to take care of the household chores like cooking, laundry, and cleaning. We did yard work together, but truthfully we didn't do a great job of it. 

We added two more children to our family and when the first was about four I began to homeschool. I homeschooled our three children through most of high school. 

Our children are grown. I am in school full time. My husband cooks on Sundays and does his own laundry. The kids do most of the yard work.

I'm far from super woman. I know lots of women who are homemakers, but all of them are responsible for shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc., plus taking care of the children. None of them have perfectly manicured yards and sparkling floors, but their homes are clean and their families well fed.

Now you know my perspective. 

This may sound terrible, but your wife sounds downright lazy. She has one baby and can't seem to take care of the house. Doesn't that child nap? What about shopping? Why are you doing the shopping? The whole situation seems entirely unbalanced to me and your wife doesn't seem to be tracking with reality, yet you are enabling her way of thinking. Today she shows you a meme which upsets you and somehow it's all your fault? Something doesn't seem right to me.

I'm not saying the house should be spotless and perfect. My house isn't and never has been, but it's clean and we eat well. We seldom eat out. I cook most of our meals from scratch and have for over 20 years. Eating out is too expensive to do often, especially on one income.

What she is doing is usually called homemaking, but it sounds like she thinks she's the babysitter and that's it. What was the agreement when she quit her job to stay at home?


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## AandM

Look - I know that you are being asked A LOT of questions about your living situation. Unfortunately, I'm going to ask a few more.

Did she work before you guys had your child?
Did she acquire higher education? If so, did she apply it in any former employment?
Did she leave employment to take care of your child?


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## HonestGuy84

starkid42 said:


> I'm hoping joining some forums can help give me some input. It's hard to find sources of good input.
> 
> My wife and I have a 7 month old, and since then she's being staying at home. I'm 2 months into a new job, and things haven't been that bad, but recently tension has been building over household chores and what's important. I know she spends all day taking care of the baby and I've been trying to compensate by doing a majority of the house/yard work. Recently she's been doing more chores, but I pretty much exclusively do all the errands and I'm the only one that cooks any meals. We've been struggling with our weight and we want to save money, so I'm trying to cook healthier meals and make more frugal shopping choices. Lately I've felt that she's been looking at these like they don't matter. If I try to make time to do yard work, she acts annoyed like I'm doing it for fun instead of a chore. It's now at the point where it's gonna cost a few hundred dollars to clean up, but she seems to ignore it. If I try to shop healthier, she gets upset because she doesn't want it, and if I try to shop somewhere cheaper such as Walmart, she gets upset that we're not going where she wants to go. Yet when I bring it up that it's cheaper and saves money, she gets upset I'm not giving her a say (but then will complain about not having a ton of money a week later). I just feel like I'm trying to do all these things to help our situation, and there is no appreciate; yet I'm doing what I can to let her know I appreciate her.
> 
> 
> 
> Last night was rough as I tried to do our normal routine of going shopping and cooking something to cook at home since we ate out all weekend, but she was set on only wanting to eat out at Panda. When I brought up it'd probably be cheaper and healthier she got really upset. We ended up going to Panda and it wasn't a huge deal, but I still feel like she's treating me more like a bad guy. This morning is when it blew up though. I was about to go to work and she had just woken up (and usually she scrolls through facebook first thing). She showed me a meme she thought was funny about dishes/laundry/garbage being dirty, and the husband is in the attic blowing leaves around. She meant it as a joke, but I didn't find it funny at all. I viewed it as her telling me all the things I try to do as chores are not important and that she doesn't appreciate them. She got pretty upset, I don't blame her as she pretty much woke up and we went straight at it over what she thought was a "joke", but I didn't find it a joke at all. I saw it as her not appreciating anything I do.
> 
> Any advice how to go about it when I get home? I want her to know I appreciate her staying home, and I want her to feel that way, but I also want to feel appreciated and not like I do chores for "fun" instead of work.
> 
> Also babies make things hella hard.
> 
> EDIT: The forum isn't letting me post replies to this forum, but my wife and I are in our late 20s.


I’m a male in my mid 30’s. What I read when I go through your post is a woman that feels overweight and implying healthier food is you saying she is not desirable. I know I haven’t been on here long but I know sometimes it is hard to put all the info in writing so I could be totally wrong. If I were you I would talk to her about that and see if she has rooted issues about her weight after having a child.


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## alte Dame

Staying at home with a baby can make a woman feel like an A-1 drudge. It can feel isolating, like you're suddenly trapped. And, then, you see your H coming and going, seemingly much freer than you are, and the resentment builds.

The new fathers have their own resentments and feelings of being trapped, as this thread illustrates.

I think that it will take some time for the two of you to find your footing as a family with a baby. She shouldn't have to do all the house maintenance work, but neither should you. Imo, she should take the bulk of that work and you should contribute in the evenings and on weekends.

One of the problems you seem to have - and this is typical - is that you have different standards for the house. You think she should be taking care of certain chores as a matter of course and she thinks they're essentially optional. She doesn't think you're doing primary work, i.e, the world will survive if your work doesn't get done, but a baby wouldn't survive if her work didn't get done.

Whether you agree with it or not, this is often how people think. New baby time can be accompanied by exhaustion, misunderstanding, and resentment. Lots of resentment.

Take a step back and try to gauge what is most important to you. Don't get so upset about chores that are less important. Don't let her minimize your work and contribution. Talk to each other with respect and try to hammer out responsibilities and expectations. You may find this hard to understand, but she sees your yard work as just another exercise of freedom on your part. No matter how you parcel out the work, you should give her some time to herself every week where you take over the baby caretaking completely.

It's not always easy, I know. I'm well past this part of life and frankly wouldn't want to be back there.


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## Cynthia

@alte Dame has a balanced approach to your situation. What I wrote was about how your wife isn't meeting her responsibilities and you are enabling her, so you would know that you aren't being unreasonable in expecting her to manage the home. However, she is your partner. It would be good for the two of you to agree upon what your expectations are and to develop a plan for how you are going to accomplish those expectations together. A good marriage counselor should be able to help you with this.

It doesn't seem like having a small baby would be so much work, but it's amazing how in reality it is. Nursing/feeding alone takes hours a day. But that doesn't mean her only responsibility is to care for the baby. Like I said before, she's not a babysitter. She is a mother and apparently a homemaker. She can do both. If she feel unable, she probably needs an assessment from a therapist to find out what is causing her to not meet her responsibilities and how she she can overcome those obstacles.


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## janedelaney

Not many men would have your patience and that is a thing to appreciate.


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## EleGirl

I'm closing this thread. The OP has one post from over a year ago. I don't think they are coming back.


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