# Finding out your ex is now married



## aubreyg (Dec 18, 2013)

Hi all, 

I have a weird situation that I have found myself in and I don't know how I should deal with my feelings. I have been with my husband for 4 years and we are really happy and in love, we have a house and want to have kids soon. But the other day I was flicking through my Facebook when I saw a wedding video that my friends had been liking, I pressed play and saw that it was my ex… and his new wife. It was probably one of the most beautiful videos that I have ever seen of two happy people in love and it made me feel sick. I couldn't stop thinking, why isn't that me? why did he pick her? why is she better than I was?
I haven't been in contact with him for 4 years and I left him, but seeing this video bought back so many feelings that I don't know how to deal with. I've been awfully quiet and I can't get it off my mind. My husband is starting to worry we are having some problems… Should I tell him about this? I really can't understand why it is upsetting me so much.
Anyway, has anyone else faced something similar? and how did you overcome this awful feeling.
Its worse because I just feel so guilty for feeling this way!

A


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Would you consider individual counselling before talking to your husband? I think it might be a better idea to understand why it's bothering you so much before you share with him, as what you're saying now is likely to hurt him badly and make him very insecure in your relationship. 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And btw... I don't think there's anything wrong or abnormal with the way you feel..

C


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am probably going to get hammered here, but I would NOT tell my husband. You need to start thinking of things you can do for your husband. Nice things, flirty things, sex, what ever. It is up to you to stop focusing on that and start focusing on what you should be.

I don't know why you are so upset over it, I don't know what your relationship with this guy was like, but it is what it is and you need to get present with your life.


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## aubreyg (Dec 18, 2013)

Hey thanks guys, 
I really don't want to hurt him, and I really don't want to hurt our relationship because it was so great just a while ago… me and this guy weren't even that close but we id spend quite a lot of time together. I suppose I'm just jealous maybe? even though I have what i always wanted. Im jet finding it hard to deal with for some reason.

A


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You left him, presumably for good reason. It's not you in the video because you found someone else that's a better fit for you and who has helped build the wonderful life you two have together. It's not you in the video because he found someone who is a better fit than you.

Your ex probably brought out a side of you that you really liked, and that's what you are mourning right now. Maybe. Anyway, this isn't about your ex. It's about you, on the inside.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Did he break up with you or did you break up with him? Sometimes break-ups are not always mutual and one is left with some feelings towards the other and this could create those very questions in your head. However, you moved on and I think it is very natural to see someone you once loved, see them happy and wonder why it didn't work out for you. 

I personally have not experienced this as when I have had break-ups the relationships were done in my mind. My ex filed divorce due to his affair and eventhough I wanted him to reconsider I can say when I moved on there were no feelings left for him. My husband though, divorced his first wife and was sick to find out that she had remarried and had another child only 2 years after their divorce.


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## aubreyg (Dec 18, 2013)

I actually ended things with him. He was extremely emotionally manipulative, and although I did love him I knew that I couldn't ever marry him because of that and our difference in religious belief.

It didn't end pretty though, I thought that maybe I could remain friends with him but it just turned him crazy so I cut all ties and hadn't seen or heard anything until just the other day. I am perplexed as to why I am upset at all about it. I just can't stop thinking about it


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I think those would be my reactions too ... seems pretty normal. Have you considered putting yourself in his shoes though? He watched you leave him and find another man to marry who you've been married to for 4 years. I'll bet that was hard for him to swallow and he probably felt every bit of what you feel now and then some.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## mankerlia (Dec 18, 2013)

I think it might be a better idea to understand why it's bothering you so much before you share with him


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

You have to start concentrating on your own relationship and life. He is most likely very happy now, and you can't become obsessed with his life or it will make you do things you will regret. I have a terrible story to tell you and it probably won't make you feel any better, but it needs to be told...

My husband was with me for three and a half years before we got engaged and we were inseparable despite his indiscretions. He always told me he had never felt what he felt for me with anyone else. His ex, who he has a child with... found out he was engaged to me while they both were trying to figure out custody agreements. She automatically assumed he loved her still while they both were having a fling behind my back....and she thought that I was a rebound (she left him prior to me meeting him...HOWEVER...there was actually another woman my husband dated after she left, and before I came into the picture, so I was no rebound.) Anyway. To make a long story short. He ended up sleeping with her a couple of weeks before we got married, telling me that he did it because he wanted to see his daughter more. She assumed he was going to leave me for her. And he had no intention of that. So she gave herself to him multiple times, invited him to her family Christmas dinners. But....then he married me (I had no clue this was going on). Then he even went back after our wedding, and got another go out of her. Then took me back to where we live now and admitted to me what happened.

To this day I have never confronted his ex. I feel like it's not worth it to start a war bigger than she started. I just know that I won (not much of a prize at the time) without question, without having to do anything. 

Disgusting isn't it. Don't be that kind of woman. He has moved on. Enjoy what you have, make the best of it, and let him go. You will be much happier when you do.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I think those would be my reactions too ... seems pretty normal. Have you considered putting yourself in his shoes though? He watched you leave him and find another man to marry who you've been married to for 4 years. I'll bet that was hard for him to swallow and he probably felt every bit of what you feel now and then some.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I would add that although what you feel is real and normal, it is based on memories that have softened over time. You left him for the right reasons and found a person who is better for you. He has now found the person who is right for him. 

I'm not sure it is absolutely necessary to divulge to your husband why you've been a little off lately. You haven't done anything wrong.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Since you have had no contact for 4 years just seeing him brought back memories that you thought you had long buried. Whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not afterward we all had good times in past relationships. 

I might also suggest that even though you left and am happy with the outcome of your life, their is somewhere a small part of you that thought you were still the best thing in his life and now he has moved on. You aren't the best thing anymore. We all have egos, I think its a little natural especially since you got caught by surprise by the picture. It would be one thing if you knew he was engaged that sort of stuff. Instead 4 years later a wedding picture. You got surprised and nostalgic? 

It will probably pass in a short amount of time. You just need to deal with an internal issue or two that you had long buried. You will most likely start to think more and more about why you actually broke up to begin with as time passes and you will realize the course you are on is the right one for you. as someone else said I wouldn't talk to your husband about it at the moment. Figure out what got triggered in yourself, I do believe once you rationally think about it the thoughts will pass.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

aubreyg said:


> I actually ended things with him. He was extremely emotionally manipulative, and although I did love him I knew that I couldn't ever marry him because of that and our difference in religious belief.
> 
> It didn't end pretty though, I thought that maybe I could remain friends with him but it just turned him crazy so I cut all ties and hadn't seen or heard anything until just the other day. I am perplexed as to why I am upset at all about it. I just can't stop thinking about it


Oh okay, so you realized what was best for you but your heart might not have fully accepted it. My ex was manipulative too....funny how e can hold onto good feelings for someone who can treat us so poorly. The thing is my ex and I had a lot of fun together and he really did say nice things to me but he was also saying those nice things to every girl who would listen.

I think it is okay to recall the good and wish him well. Be happy that it is not you in that girls' shoes as you know what she lays ahead of her. I had so much empathy for my ex's new wife, she was a really a sweet person and she did not deserve what I knew was going to happen to her. She went thru an awful lot and finally eventually divorced him....what split them up had split us up too. 

When we are "in love" we do have that happy glow but something tells me 2 years down the road neither one of them will be smiling. Count your blessings!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

aubreyg said:


> Hey thanks guys,
> I really don't want to hurt him, and I really don't want to hurt our relationship because it was so great just a while ago… me and this guy weren't even that close but we id spend quite a lot of time together. I suppose I'm just jealous maybe? even though I have what i always wanted. Im jet finding it hard to deal with for some reason.
> 
> A


It's not jealousy, but more a lack of closure on an important chapter of your life. You gave your ex everything hoping for the best , but he manipulated you. 
Although you ended the relationship there were residual feelings and you asked yourself why. 
Perhaps there were things you wanted to say to him , but never did.
You don't love him , but you just ask yourself why?
Emotionally manipulative people are like a black hole ,they will suck even the air in your lungs out of you , distort your perception of reality and leave you in a state of disequilibrium , for ages.
Very few people ever fully recover, especially the romantic at heart.

What you feel is quite natural.
The Facebook vid triggered memories which in turn brought on these negative feelings , jealousy and confusion.
What you need is closure, to get it out of your system, or it will continue to affect you.

But, you can't allow him that power over your life and your marriage.
I suggest you speak to someone , maybe a counsellor to help bring closure. If you think your husband would understand , then maybe he too could listen and help.
Only you could make yourself heal.


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## aubreyg (Dec 18, 2013)

Thanks everyone so far. I really do want to move on well. I do have a great husband and a great life set up. I think maybe what I am missing is the closure of it all. It didn't end pretty at all as I said before, but I never slammed the door in his face or yelled 'its over' or had that definite ending to hold onto, and I now think that maybe thats why I am hang this experience. 
I have no desire to talk to him ever again but Im just upset some how.
I don't think ill bring my husband in on this, he doesn't deserve to have to deal with my awful feelings! 
Thanks 'something else' for sharing your story, it sounds awful, but I do understand that its really important to move on, for everybody's sake.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Sometimes we get these unexplained feelings because we imagine that that other person is happier than we are, especially if we are going through a trouble period. Just remember, looks can be deceiving.

I actually feel sorry for his wife. If he treats her the way he treated you, it won't be too long down the road until she is regretting her decision.

Life is never how it looks on the outside, in the movies, or on youtube. You have been married for 4 years so that intense feeling may have subsided a bit, but that is real. Real love is work, has its ups and downs. There is no fairy tale in real life. Be happy with your life. 

Honestly, if you quit thinking about this and force yourself to put your thoughts and efforts into your husband, you will feel a lot better.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just sit back and wait you will be see his divorce on facebook in the future then you will laugh and say thank god I left when I did!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I second the recommendation for individual counseling.

This has nothing to do with this other guy, or your husband, an everything to do with yourself.

You need to discover what about you makes you react this way over a man you rejected, while describing your husband as everything you ever wanted.

--Some people do not feel they are "worthy" of happiness.
--Some people feel they are the center of the universe and everyone revolves around them.
--etc.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Holy crap does this reign true for my situation. I remember when my wife's ex got engaged a year ago (i stumbled upon it on facebook). My wife seemed disturbed or weird for a few days. With no explanation. 

My gut tells me my wife is not completely over her ex, and if situations were different, she would have chosen him over me. Just the way she looks when we've seen him out or when I've asked about something in her past. 

Unfortunately I deep down inside feel like she regrets choosing me over him (very close in timing between her breakup and our beginning)


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

aubreyg said:


> I have been with my husband for 4 years and we are really happy and in love, we have a house and want to have kids soon.
> 
> * * *
> 
> I haven't been in contact with him for 4 years and I left him, but seeing this video bought back so many feelings that I don't know how to deal with.


I found this timing interesting. You left the BF and seemed to immediately jump in with your husband. What happened there?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think we all of us carry inside us a voice which suggests from time to time that life could have been better if only something else had happened. Most of the time I think this is fantasy. It sounds to me that that is what may be going on in your head.

Even when it is not, you can never turn the clock back. I reckon it is best to concentrate on making your present life the best possible. There were reasons you left your ex.


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## aubreyg (Dec 18, 2013)

Oh, Maybe I should clarify, I have been married for 2 years, but have been in a relationship with my husband for 4 years. When I broke it off the with ex I thought that if i stayed friends with him he would slowly move on and find someone else. That didn't happen, it just made things worse, especially when I started dating my now husband. He would call me crying, or turn up at my house being sick (actually vomiting) because he was so upset… It was pretty awful.
I felt guilty for moving on from him, but I had found someone so great and I knew things were going to work out. I just felt sorry for him because he didn't really have anyone and I was moving on to something great. I cut all ties with him and moved on. But I've always felt a bit guilty for leaving him, like I took the easy path, or something.
Im really glad Ive heard all your opinions, its really helped me to realise that this probably isn't anything to do with him… Its to do with me. I think Im just shocked that he can go from the miserable, manipulative person I knew to being so happy and having it all together… And Im just the same as Ive always been. I don't think I need to see a councillor, but Im going to make extra effort to make my marriage exciting, happy and long.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

aubreyg said:


> I think Im just shocked that he can go from the miserable, manipulative person I knew to being so happy and having it all together… And Im just the same as Ive always been.


And what makes you think that he's NOT _STILL_ the "miserable manipulative person" you knew? 

ANYONE can be in a relationship. ANYONE can get married. (sans the exceptions such as documented legal mental illness, underage, etc.). The point is, that ANYONE can be in a "relationship". And some people will remain married for LIFE...

But that doesn't mean that their marriage/relationship is mature or healthy. 

Character doesn't change. If he was manipulative while with you, he may have found someone who will TOLERATE his manipulations...for now. It doesn't mean that their marriage will last or that they'll be happy. He may be very handsome, but I can guarantee you, that if they DO divorce, it won't be because he suddenly turned 'ugly'; it will be because of some character defect that was probably there all along.

I can understand where you're coming from. Yes, we want them to have made the necessary changes in order to be with US. And somehow when they find someone else we don't feel 'worthy' of the changes. But I can tell you honestly, that his new wife probably isn't 'worthy' either. 

It's only a matter of time. 

Vega


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Sometimes there are still vestiges in an old relationship that need to be mourned...especially if it was a relationship where at one time some future plans have been made...as complete closure doesn't happen all at once...it comes in pieces.

Now this is me gender-generalizing, so forgive me, but I think a lot of women often compare themselves to the successes of others...and although you have moved on and are in a happy relationship now...perhaps you weren't prepared to hear your ex was on the road to his own success. Not necessarily jealousy, envy, or other ugly attribute...but rather a taking inventory of your own trajectory compared to what you had previously dreamt with the other gentleman.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Whenever you remember back fondly on the good times with the xBF, immediately counter that with a memory of something nasty he did (among many things) that forced you to break up with him. 

Re-train your brain.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am thinking it may have to do with the fact that you never had the ending you wanted with your ex. That he was a jerk to you and now you are wondering if he is kind to his new wife.

If you are feeling distant from your us and, seeing happy people is just going to magnify those feelings.

Block your ex on Facebook and focus on your marriage. Realize that this guy was NO good for you which is why you ended it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

To know that someone who used to call you crying and vomiting is no longer pining for you as their soul-mate, can be like a little nip to the ego. 

Maybe that's the case.

Especially if your current partner is not actively conveying that you are the cat's pajamas, or worse, is actually undermining the relationship.

Important to note that what you are lamenting, or focused on is a sense, a feeling, a perception. A manufactured emotional ideal. 

It is not, was not ... reality.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think it's normal. Whether the ex-relationship ended well or not. 

We get confronted with something and it makes us think about what coulda/shoulda/woulda happened..... "if only" whatever. 

And it can't be unusual to wonder... "why can he be with her when (for whatever reason) it didn't work with me?" Kind of an ego question. 

I wouldn't say anything to H, I'd try to work it out on my own. I know I'd get past it.... just a little wondering. BUT, if he asked.... well, knowing how important communication is, I'd tell him. I believe that if I can't talk to my "other half" about things, then he isn't really my "other half"....and I really like that half!


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