# He's so predictable



## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Hubby and I always ask whats on each other's agenda at work. We touched base on that today before we left. He said he had an interview. I asked if he had to go to home office to do this. He said no and that was it.
So, I know it's a female and he doesn't want me to know this. Why? Because every other interview he says the guy's name a couple times... I'm going to (company town) to interview John Doe. Mmmm hmmmm. Just why?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Is there a question here other than the two rhetorical ones?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Have you acted jealous in the past when he mentions a woman he's interviewing?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Have you acted jealous in the past when he mentions a woman he's interviewing?


no. I wonder if it's someone he knows I would not like. whatever.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Is there a question here other than the two rhetorical ones?


just disappointment at conflict avoidance. I mean really? Or, don't tell me anyone you interview.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

And there haven't been any trust/fidelity issues in the past? Based on the sub forum you posted in I am guessing this has been an issue?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

yes, we're 6 years out from my infidelity. 4 years out from his two.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> yes, we're 6 years out from my infidelity. 4 years out from his two.


Steph, did you have an actual affair? I thought it was more an assault by a co-worker in your room that your husband considered a ONS because he felt you did not resist strongly enough?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

jld said:


> Steph, did you have an actual affair? I thought it was more an assault by a co-worker in your room that your husband considered a ONS because he felt you did not resist strongly enough?


I did have an affair - with a one time encounter. 
But I was also sexually assaulted a year later in a hotel room.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I did have an affair - with a one time encounter.
> But I was also sexually assaulted a year later in a hotel room.


So it was the two together that had him so upset?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

jld said:


> So it was the two together that had him so upset?


Well I think each are both very upsetting.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> Well I think each are both very upsetting.


Yes, I am sure that is true.

I read that you did wide exposure on his first OW, to the point that the police told you to knock it off. I hope others here realize that exposure can go too far.

Good luck with working all this out. I am sure it is not easy.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

jld said:


> Yes, I am sure that is true.
> 
> I read that you did wide exposure on his first OW, to the point that the police told you to knock it off. I hope others here realize that exposure can go too far.
> 
> Good luck with working all this out. I am sure it is not easy.


I don't feel bad about that exposure at all. I called her employer and parents. 
So did hubby on my AP.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I don't feel bad about that exposure at all. I called her employer and parents.
> So did hubby on my AP.


_"I exposed ow1 to work, spouse, family and then got a call from the police to knock it off."_

This is what I was referring to. 

You also mentioned your husband gave your AP such a hard time he left town?

_"My husband confronted OM many times and pretty much ran him out if town. I'm glad for that."_

I do not doubt it is easier to live far from the affair partner. But I could see how harassment (not saying it was that; just offering an example) could get a lawsuit started against the BS.

Again, just something for others to keep in mind, since exposure is promoted so much on TAM. 

And again, sorry you are having a hard time. I am sure reconciliation can be rocky.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

jld said:


> _"I exposed ow1 to work, spouse, family and then got a call from the police to knock it off."_
> 
> This is what I was referring to.
> 
> ...


yes, those particular things are behind us now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> yes, those particular things are behind us now.


Glad to hear it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> yes, those particular things are behind us now.


Obviously not. He probably thinks you will react adversely so he doesn't share info about women he's going to interview. Surely, he must realize that you know he comes in contact with females during his work day.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

jld said:


> _"I exposed ow1 to work, spouse, family and then got a call from the police to knock it off."_
> 
> This is what I was referring to.
> 
> ...


Using someone's thread to push your "ANTI EXPOSURE AGENDA"

Nice One


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Using someone's thread to push your "ANTI EXPOSURE AGENDA"
> 
> Nice One


Gotta agree here, don't feel it is appropriate to use OPs thread to push unrelated opinions.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ButtPunch said:


> Using someone's thread to push your "ANTI EXPOSURE AGENDA"
> 
> Nice One


Not sure everyone realizes the police might get involved when someone decides to expose. I did not, before reading steph's other thread.

Just something to consider.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> Not sure everyone realizes the police might get involved when someone decides to expose. I did not, before reading steph's other thread.
> 
> Just something to consider.


So start a thread on the topic instead of using someone else's to push this ...


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Obviously not. He probably thinks you will react adversely so he doesn't share info about women he's going to interview. Surely, he must realize that you know he comes in contact with females during his work day.


I mean the exposing of APs are behind us.

yes, he speaks of them to me.. those i know in his office.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> I mean the exposing of APs are behind us.
> 
> yes, he speaks of them to me.. those i know in his office.


If I had to guess, it's because of the affairs, and the residue of hurt feelings, etc...and he is cautious about what he shares when it comes to women he may be interviewing. But, to me, it might be worth asking him...because he shouldn't feel the need to 'hide' information about women he's interviewing, if that is the case. We are both guessing lol


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> If I had to guess, it's because of the affairs, and the residue of hurt feelings, etc...and he is cautious about what he shares when it comes to women he may be interviewing. But, to me, it might be worth asking him...because he shouldn't feel the need to 'hide' information about women he's interviewing, if that is the case. We are both guessing lol


that is my point. And I have expressed concern over some women in the past. But the conflict avoidance part of being a WS is something that needs to be fixed. Like, radical honesty needs to be in place, not I'll share only what I'm comfortable sharing because I can't stand to see you upset.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> that is my point. And I have expressed concern over some women in the past. But the conflict avoidance part of being a WS is something that needs to be fixed. Like, radical honesty needs to be in place, not I'll share only what I'm comfortable sharing because I can't stand to see you upset.


How do you react when he is completely honest?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

jld said:


> How do you react when he is completely honest?


depends on the situation. Sometimes upset, sometimes thankful he has shared (and I tell him that), sometimes no big deal. 
If it is something uncomfortable though, he rarely tells me. I think the last time he did I was ok with it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> depends on the situation. Sometimes upset, sometimes thankful he has shared (and I tell him that), sometimes no big deal.
> If it is something uncomfortable though, he rarely tells me. I think the last time he did I was ok with it.


This is just my opinion, but I think if I wanted someone to be as honest as possible with me, I would try to be able to hear whatever they were saying without being reactive. Hard to do! And you certainly do not have to agree with whatever he says. 

But just in terms of getting honesty going, being able to take it calmly and try to understand where he is coming from could break that ice.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

jld said:


> This is just my opinion, but I think if I wanted someone to be as honest as possible with me, I would try to be able to hear whatever they were saying without being reactive. Hard to do! And you certainly do not have to agree with whatever he says.
> 
> But just in terms of getting honesty going, being able to take it calmly and try to understand where he is coming from could break that ice.


I understand this but he needs to give me a chance at it. How do you say to someone - hey, tell me something difficult and we'll see how I do? 

I'm also a little miffed. I don't think you need to create a safe space for truth. You just tell your truth and let go of the outcome. Anything else is kind of controlling. 
What exactly is there to be afraid of? That I'll leave? If that's the case, then lets get to the bottom of it fast and be done with it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

With my husband, I am hesitant to talk about males. 

I’m worried that if I’m telling a funny story he’ll think I think it’s TOO funny. Or if I talk about a particular person too much, he’ll wonder why am I bringing that person up so much? But for me, it’s hard, because I’m the only female in my department. So 9 hours of my day is spent interacting with men. So when I come home and want to share something funny or something that happened, I’m going to be talking about a guy. But I’m scared it will put thoughts or worries in his head. He’s aware my boss is the only female in my department, but she sits in an office separated from us so she’s not always in the mix of the daily conversation so the conversation is rarely about her. At my second job, I work with all women. I feel much more comfortable talking about that job because of that.

I’m not DOING anything, but I have that fear that just talking about my male coworkers would bother him.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I talk about whoever I interact with. Thing is, I'm a teacher. Things don't change much from day to day. 
his job is very different. He has to be out in the community. It has been a source of angst for me, you could say...


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Step,
Have you told him plainly what you just wrote, that it is a source of angst for you, that it concerns you when he doesn't say who he is meeting with like what happened today?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

blahfridge said:


> Step,
> Have you told him plainly what you just wrote, that it is a source of angst for you, that it concerns you when he doesn't say who he is meeting with like what happened today?


no. 

I could say something like, "you were very quiet when you talked about your interview today. You usually talk more about things like that. What is up?" or "that causes me to wonder what is going on."


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> no.
> 
> I could say something like, "you were very quiet when you talked about your interview today. You usually talk more about things like that. What is up?" or "that causes me to wonder what is going on."


Perfect. :smile2:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't know what it might be like to confront, which much of my advice on here doesn't involve that. But, that's not healthy either lol I probably wouldn't ask him anymore...about anything...lol But, then, I'd keep wondering.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I understand this but he needs to give me a chance at it. How do you say to someone - hey, tell me something difficult and we'll see how I do?
> 
> I'm also a little miffed. I don't think you need to create a safe space for truth. You just tell your truth and let go of the outcome. Anything else is kind of controlling.
> What exactly is there to be afraid of? That I'll leave? If that's the case, then lets get to the bottom of it fast and be done with it.


People are controlling when they do not feel safe. They either have to be motivated to develop their inner security (that inner feeling of safety), or they have to get it from the outside, like from their partner.

Is he afraid of losing you? Your infidelity hit his ego, too, and that was part of the reason for the RAs?

It would help if you could be the leader in openhearted, honest talks. You have to let down your defenses and be vulnerable to being hurt again, without hurting him back.

Have you shown him your threads here?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

jld said:


> People are controlling when they do not feel safe. They either have to be motivated to develop their inner security (that inner feeling of safety), or they have to get it from the outside, like from their partner.
> 
> Is he afraid of losing you? Your infidelity hit his ego, too, and that was part of the reason for the RAs?
> 
> ...


I have tried to be the leader in honest talks. A month ago I asked him about a text he sent a co worker, with a smiley face emoticon. I asked him to just take care of us, as who knows how she interpreted it.
I thought we had it settled but then the next morning I got the silent treatment and then the "I can't do anything right," bullcrap. I should be able to talk about those things without them getting out of hand. 

I refuse to be in a marriage where I cannot speak my mind. That is what it was like before and that led to my feelings of resentment. I'm trying to do and be different by bringing things up but he just wants only positive interaction. 

That wasn't the first time we had that kind of conversation. And I'm tired of it. Married people should be able to talk about uncomfortable things. It makes ME nervous because then I think, "4 years of IC and this is still happening?" 

I'm sure his ego was hurt/hit. I'm sure that had to do with his infidelities.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Steph - I mean no disrespect in any of this, just honest questions.

Are you sure reconciliation is what you want? You have several threads where you have issues with his behavior. I'm not saying you shouldn't have issues with his behavior - I'm not you and we all have our personal needs. What bothers me might not bother you and vice versa. 

And maybe reconciliation is just not something I fully understand the extent of. I'm only a few weeks in to mine. 

But are you SURE this is what you want? I'm not an advocate of divorce, but I'm just wondering if this is too much for you to fully reconcile. 

Have you thought about that? Again, no disrespect, just throwing that out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Steph - I mean no disrespect in any of this, just honest questions.
> 
> Are you sure reconciliation is what you want? You have several threads where you have issues with his behavior. I'm not saying you shouldn't have issues with his behavior - I'm not you and we all have our personal needs. What bothers me might not bother you and vice versa.
> 
> ...



this is a good question and one of which I have no answer for. 
My mom just called me and told me my sister and her husband are getting divorced. Kinda numb.. still not surprising but sad.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I have tried to be the leader in honest talks. A month ago I asked him about a text he sent a co worker, with a smiley face emoticon. I asked him to just take care of us, as who knows how she interpreted it.
> I thought we had it settled but then the next morning I got the silent treatment and then the "I can't do anything right," bullcrap. I should be able to talk about those things without them getting out of hand.
> 
> I refuse to be in a marriage where I cannot speak my mind. That is what it was like before and that led to my feelings of resentment. I'm trying to do and be different by bringing things up but he just wants only positive interaction.
> ...


He sounds sensitive. I agree you need to be able to discuss everything in marriage. But with a sensitive man, it might be helpful to approach him carefully. Otherwise he may get offended or overwhelmed and just shut off.

I don't think it is fair that you may need to do that. But it may work out the best for getting effective communication going. 

Otoh, if it feels like too much work, you may want to give serious thought to divorce. People do not seem to fundamentally change. If you cannot be reasonably satisfied with him as he is, it may be less stressful to just let him go.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

And about his ego being hurt . . . I am sure that was painful. But he has to take responsibility for how he responds. Some people use infidelity as an opportunity to look at their contributions to their partner's vulnerabilities. They look at how they can strengthen the marriage. Humbling, but can be helpful.

If I were you, I would read up on servant leadership, and just try to be an example of it to him. I think someone has to go first. If he will not come here, then the only person I can look to to do it is you.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I was WRONG! It was a guy... I gotta fight assumptions and just chill.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> I was WRONG! It was a guy... I gotta fight assumptions and just chill.


I thought it was public knowledge the whole Bruce/Caitlyn thing? >


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stephscarlett said:


> I understand this but he needs to give me a chance at it. How do you say to someone - hey, tell me something difficult and we'll see how I do?
> 
> I'm also a little miffed. *I don't think you need to create a safe space for truth*. You just tell your truth and let go of the outcome. Anything else is kind of controlling.
> What exactly is there to be afraid of? That I'll leave? If that's the case, then lets get to the bottom of it fast and be done with it.


Then you would be wrong. 

If YOU knew that every time you brought something to your husband and he'd get mad, jealous, passive aggressive, or sulk...would you keep coming to him with your truths?

No, you wouldn't. That's basic psychology.

Are you guys having monthly 'state of the marriage' meetings? Where you vow to safely discuss any issues coming up that need discussing? If you start this, you'd improve your ability to talk safely and share and find solutions, so that these silent fears each of you harbor would dissipate.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

stephscarlett said:


> the next morning I got the silent treatment and then the "I can't do anything right," bullcrap. I should be able to talk about those things without them getting out of hand.
> 
> I refuse to be in a marriage where I cannot speak my mind. That is what it was like before and that led to my feelings of resentment. I'm trying to do and be different by bringing things up but he just wants only positive interaction.
> 
> ...


Probably not to do with the infidelities so much as a man's need to be admired by his wife. When women criticize (even with a smiley face) their men, the men feel "I can't do anything right."

Tons of books on this: men need to feel their wives trust them and admire them and respect them. When they get to the point that they feel the wife will 'never' do this...they often just give up trying.

In what ways do you seek to reassure him?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> Probably not to do with the infidelities so much as a man's need to be admired by his wife. When women criticize (even with a smiley face) their men, the men feel "I can't do anything right."
> 
> Tons of books on this: men need to feel their wives trust them and admire them and respect them. When they get to the point that they feel the wife will 'never' do this...they often just give up trying.
> 
> In what ways do you seek to reassure him?


This is very true, T. The problem is that her husband is not taking accountability for anything. 

At some point, he has to remove himself from the victim chair and decide to make these improvements. If he doesn't, he's not worth reconciliation.

The same goes for you, Steph. At some point, you need to stop making yourself a victim. You have chosen to reconcile. As I read your threads, it appears to be a poor choice. I don't have much respect for your husband. But you chose it.

When do you reach the point where you decide to actually do something rather than just complain about him?

You are in a hell of your own making.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

turnera said:


> Then you would be wrong.
> 
> If YOU knew that every time you brought something to your husband and he'd get mad, jealous, passive aggressive, or sulk...would you keep coming to him with your truths?
> 
> ...


no meetings. I would love to. He would not. 
I guess I keep waiting for him to not do that. I mean, shouldn't that be what he works on in IC?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

turnera said:


> Probably not to do with the infidelities so much as a man's need to be admired by his wife. When women criticize (even with a smiley face) their men, the men feel "I can't do anything right."
> 
> Tons of books on this: men need to feel their wives trust them and admire them and respect them. When they get to the point that they feel the wife will 'never' do this...they often just give up trying.
> 
> In what ways do you seek to reassure him?


 I reassure him all the time. But I should be able to mention things, on occasion.. some things I let slide. He sent a picture of himself to a female employee and I didn't say one word. I should have. I mean WTF? But if I do that he throws a fit. I'm sick of it. Grow up. 

He said he didnt' trust a guy I was going to ride to my second job with. I said I'd drive myself. It doesnt' have to be a big deal.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> The same goes for you, Steph. At some point, you need to stop making yourself a victim. You have chosen to reconcile. As I read your threads, it appears to be a poor choice. I don't have much respect for your husband. But you chose it.
> 
> When do you reach the point where you decide to actually do something rather than just complain about him?
> 
> ...


do what?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> do what?


Are you being deliberately obtuse, or do you not see any other options besides reconciliation?

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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Are you being deliberately obtuse, or do you not see any other options besides reconciliation?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


yes divorce. or acceptance of limitations.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> yes divorce. or acceptance of limitations.


So you have listed three choices.

What is your actual deal breaker for ending reconciliation and moving on to choice number 2 or 3?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> So you have listed three choices.
> 
> What is your actual deal breaker for ending reconciliation and moving on to choice number 2 or 3?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


another affair, a newly discovered lie, lack of empathy for a serious trigger, calling my sexual assault an affair or referring to it as like that - things of this nature. I haven't decided yet on general dumbassness.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Here is the thing, Steph. 

You are not clearly defining boundaries. From my perspective, that is deliberate. 

If you have boundaries, then there might have to be a situation where you end reconciliation.

I don't know if you fear being alone, or have poor self esteem, or something else. But you choose not to enforce boundaries, then you get to sit in the victim chair and complain, while still not leaving the relationship.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

How is that working for you?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I think we're going to have a big talk next week when we're done with our vacation with our kids.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> another affair, a newly discovered lie, lack of empathy for a serious trigger, calling my sexual assault an affair or referring to it as like that - things of this nature. I haven't decided yet on general dumbassness.


What was the business about sending a picture to the female co-worker?

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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> What was the business about sending a picture to the female co-worker?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


same alma mater, watching football game. he took a pic of himself wearing his jersey and sent it to her. He showed it to me. I wasn't threatened. But I was like, "SHE might interpret it wrong. What if her husband walked by and misinterpretted it wrong?" Just don't do **** like this.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Have you acted jealous in the past when he mentions a woman he's interviewing?


This may be it.
Back in 2003, I worked at this company and when my contract was done, an Indian lady there who had asked for my help (and shared the same last name, no relation) said let's have coffee in the company cafeteria before I left. I mentioned it to my wife casually on the same evening when I got him. She threw a massive tantrum which shocked me. Incidentally that as the last time I talked to or had any contact with that coworker. Some years later, at a different company there was a lot of politics and one Chinese woman was a good friend of mine and would give me the gossip about what some people were saying behind my back. We communicated through the company chat system. I mentioned this and my wife brought up the topic of "work wife". Until then I had not heard of that term.

So I shut down and stopped telling her anything. It's been 10+ years and she's matured about it hopefully. She tells me about her male coworkers talking to her and I don't object. 

Coming back to this, maybe she has a history of being jealous so he avoids telling her anything that has to do with a woman.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

nirvana said:


> Coming back to this, maybe she has a history of being jealous so he avoids telling her anything that has to do with a woman.


so after an infidelity, I believe you need to be even MORE forthcoming with interaction of the opposite sex.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> so after an infidelity, I believe you need to be even MORE forthcoming with interaction of the opposite sex.


Do you feel that every interaction with a female he has, could turn into an affair? If so, that is something you need to work on. Unless he is that way, and then I'd say staying with him sounds stressful and exhausting. lol


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Is your husband that out of control, that you feel that every interaction with a female could turn into an affair? If so, that is something you need to work on. Unless he is that way, and then I'd say staying with him sounds exhausting. lol



no, it's the omission thing. the not telling me about things. that kind of thing BUILDS trust - a yes, I'm willing to tell you the uncomfortable stuff. I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone to make you feel safe. 
He has lots of interactions with females.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> no, it's the omission thing. the not telling me about things. that kind of thing BUILDS trust - a yes, I'm willing to tell you the uncomfortable stuff. I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone to make you feel safe.
> He has lots of interactions with females.


Are you willing to HEAR the uncomfortable stuff? That is the question.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Are you willing to HEAR the uncomfortable stuff? That is the question.


very much so.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> very much so.


I’m just asking the question, but why is just innocuous contact with females in every day work situations, ie interviewing, lunch, etc…’uncomfortable?’ 

In some ways, you both sound like you’re not able to just ‘be’ with each other, and it could be he wants to create a new normal, where he or you can just share your everyday lives with each other, without judgement or suspicion. Do you know what I mean? So he omits things because he knows that you will feel edgy about other women, etc. You shouldn’t have to worry so much over just casual everyday contact that your husband has with other women, or worry that because he doesn’t tell you about a woman, that it means something automatically nefarious. I don’t ask my fiancé about other women, and he may tell me about someone at his office, or that he had lunch with a female coworker…but it’s in passing, it’s not because I must know every move he’s making. I understand that you’ve been through a lot, but living like this would be tiresome to me.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m just asking the question, but why is just innocuous contact with females in every day work situations, ie interviewing, lunch, etc…’uncomfortable?’
> 
> In some ways, you both sound like you’re not able to just ‘be’ with each other, and it could be he wants to create a new normal, where he or you can just share your everyday lives with each other, without judgement or suspicion. Do you know what I mean? So he omits things because he knows that you will feel edgy about other women, etc. You shouldn’t have to worry so much over just casual everyday contact that your husband has with other women, or worry that because he doesn’t tell you about a woman, that it means something automatically nefarious. I don’t ask my fiancé about other women, and he may tell me about someone at his office, or that he had lunch with a female coworker…but it’s in passing, it’s not because I must know every move he’s making. I understand that you’ve been through a lot, but living like this would be tiresome to me.


I can tell you that he must have lots of interactions with females every day. Heck, he has driven to work every day for four years next door to OW1. And I have learned to live with that. "BE" with that. 
It was a lack of mention that was out of the ordinary. 
I would LOVE normal, believe me.
I think if I knew he had done the internal work that it takes to figure out why you choose an affair to deal with pain, and to reveal that thinking and how he's changed that about him, then this would be lots better.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> I can tell you that he must have lots of interactions with females every day. Heck, he has driven to work every day for four years next door to OW1. And I have learned to live with that. "BE" with that.
> It was a lack of mention that was out of the ordinary.
> I would LOVE normal, believe me.
> I think if I knew he had done the internal work that it takes to figure out why you choose an affair to deal with pain, and to reveal that thinking and how he's changed that about him, then this would be lots better.


Ahhh! I see now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have a feeling his having an affair had nothing to do with you. Most of the time, affairs are about an internal battle that person is dealing with. I hope things get better.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Ahhh! I see now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have a feeling his having an affair had nothing to do with you. Most of the time, affairs are about an internal battle that person is dealing with. I hope things get better.


thank you Deidre. Hi affairs had everything to do with the pain I caused him. But... how he dealt with that pain was on him. 
We're getting there. I can tell you it has taken me YEARS to not expect the worst all the time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> thank you Deidre. Hi affairs had everything to do with the pain I caused him. But... how he dealt with that pain was on him.
> We're getting there. I can tell you it has taken me YEARS to not expect the worst all the time.


What is that saying? What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger? Never liked that saying, but maybe there is truth in it. You are stronger for all of this.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Be forthright with him as in,
_"Why did you not mention you were interviewing a female since you do when you interview a male? 
It makes me uncomfortable and it makes me wonder if you are omitting other things. 
And if you tell me something I don't like, or makes me uncomfortable. or I'd prefer you not to do it I want to feel as if I can be honest and tell you since you're my husband.
And the same goes for you in regard to me. 
If we can't have something as basic as openness in our marriage, then we're headed down a slippery slope".
_
Something along those lines. 
I've been there StephScarlett, the whole omission thing and I'm divorced now. . . 
Don't run around in circles with this. Tackle it. Now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

stephscarlett said:


> I think if I knew he had done the internal work that it takes to figure out why you choose an affair to deal with pain, and to reveal that thinking and how he's changed that about him, then this would be lots better.


He won't because he resents you.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

There is nothing I can do about that. Is there?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> There is nothing I can do about that. Is there?


I think it depends on how much of a leadership role you want to take in the relationship. If you want to go first, and address the resentment, it could start some deep healing in the relationship.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

stephscarlett said:


> There is nothing I can do about that. Is there?


Nothing more than you have already done.

The fact of life is, some people just can't let it go. You cheated on him. Nothing after that point matters to him. At that point his life ended, the planets stopped turning and time itself came to a stop. Entropy. He is not going to let it go. He will continue to act the part of your husband, because if he does not he fears losing his kids and the comfortable picket-fence existence the two of you have. Some people are willing to forgo happiness for security. 

Now...can you accept that and push forward knowing that, at best, you will be living a half-life with him?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jld said:


> I think it depends on how much of a leadership role you want to take in the relationship. If you want to go first, and address the resentment, it could start some deep healing in the relationship.


Thought you said the wife was not supposed to be a leader...

I thought you said husbands are responsible for the success or failure of a marriage....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Thought you said the wife was not supposed to be a leader...
> 
> I thought you said husbands are responsible for the success or failure of a marriage....


Some wives are okay with it. In my case my husband takes responsibility for the marriage, but that is not true in all other marriages. I can think of some marriages right on this board where if the wife did not take that responsibility, the marriage would still be in bad shape. But because she did take responsibility, and reassured the man in the ways he needed, the marriage got onto a more stable track.

Just looks like a heavy load to me. That is why I want to emphasize to steph that it is a choice, not a requirement. She does not have to do it if she does not want to.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jld said:


> Some wives are okay with it. In my case my husband takes responsibility for the marriage, but that is not true in all other marriages. I can think of some marriages right on this board where if the wife did not take that responsibility, the marriage would still be in bad shape. But because she did take responsibility, and reassured the man in the ways he needed, the marriage got onto a more stable track.
> 
> Just looks like a heavy load to me. That is why I want to emphasize to steph that it is a choice, not a requirement. She does not have to do it if she does not want to.


Thank you for clarifying.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Thank you for clarifying.


You are welcome.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I've addressed the resentment on my side. I have never used our pre affair marriage stuff as an excuse. 
So not sure what more "leadership" I can do...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You either keep keeping on with the status quo, or you make a decision.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I've addressed the resentment on my side. I have never used our pre affair marriage stuff as an excuse.
> So not sure what more "leadership" I can do...


Address it on his side. Listen calmly and with empathy, no matter what he says or how he says it. Be strong enough for him to get it out.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Well I can say can you talk to me about the lingering resentment you have for me? 
He'd probably say he has none.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> Well I can say can you talk to me about the lingering resentment you have for me?
> He'd probably say he has none.


_Calmly, intently_

"I feel it, husband."


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

stephscarlett said:


> Well I can say can you talk to me about the lingering resentment you have for me?
> He'd probably say he has none.


Is he a conflict avoider?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Ah yeah...


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