# Surviving Wife's Affair: Triggers



## stoney1 (Apr 7, 2014)

The past six months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. It has had some amazing highs, and unspeakable lows. Looking back, I can't believe how stupid and naive I was to think that our marriage was impervious to infidelity. 

My wife is the type of person that craves male attention, possibly stemming from an alcoholic father who refused to give her any attention. She has a tendency to have alot of guy friends and loves to be "one of the guys". She had been working at a chemical plant (high percentage of male employees). 

About late October I begin to notice that she is texting alot of her male coworkers, I (being naive) just think that she is trying to handle work business. My job is one that requires alot of late nights and weekends. I was also in the process of transferring to a new position in a new part of the state. On top of that, we found out my wife was pregnant and schedules to deliver in March. 

So between work, preparing for our first child, and moving my mind was focused solely on that. When my wife and I discuss what to do with her job, she offers the idea of staying with one of our mutual friends until the end of January, then move her back in from there. This would help us save money in preparation of the baby. 

The weekend that I moved to the new house, my wife tells me that she no longer wants to have anything to do with me, that she has been unhappy and feels neglected. This came from out in left field for me. So we stay up late into the night as I try to figure out why she feels this way and what steps we could take to fix this, as she was giving very short brief answers amidst her tears.

We loaded her car the next day so she could go stay with our mutual friend to finish working (around 2.5 hrs away). While we were living apart, I was doing everything I could to have contact with her, but she would respond sporadically, and usually with very short replies. I would drive up to see her every weekend I had available trying to rekindle some connection. All the while seeing that she has been texting one of her coworkers quite a bit. I had discussed with her twice that I am not comfortable with what she was doing, and her response was the cliched "We are just friends". Anytime we were together, she had her phone and was texting away to him. Whenever she would leave the room ,she would be certain to take her phone with her. She even bought him a present that was meant to be "just an office joke". 

While spending Christmas and New Year's together, she would tell me that I was "smothering her", and "We are spending too much time together", and "She likes her new found independence". She even had to go take a walk alone to "have some her time". I had agreed to help manage the finances on her small business, and had access to her email. On New Years Day she left to go back to where she was staying. After she left I found email exchanges between my wife and her coworker. These exchanges discussed things that should only be reserved for a husband and wife. I looked into our phone records and found she had been texting him thousands of times, and had a many late night phone calls. I confronted my wife and the OM two days later. She was in shock, and then began crying. I also called the OM to let him know that I knew. My wife said it was just an emotional affair and that nothing physical happened. That it was because she felt neglected and he made her feel special. 

My wife and I agreed she would stay one more week at her job and then she would leave her job early and come live with me. We also agreed that there will be no contact between her and the OM. The OM understood that if he had contact with my wife, the email thread was going to be mailed to his house and his wife's place of employment. However, a friend of mine let me know that they continued to talk over work's instant messenger, email, and telephone. They would make sure to also sit right next to each other at meetings and park beside each other in the parking lot. Later that week the OM called and told me they had been contacting each other still, because he was worried what her mental state would be like if he just cut off contact. He basically told me the affair was all her idea.

I move my wife back in after she quit her job and we immediately begin going to counseling. I let my wife know that I knew she continued contact with him, and that she even emailed him the day before the counseling session. We continued to recover and rebuild our marriage. I had told her that I have many questions to ask her, but wanted to wait we had our son to ask them.

After our son was born, I begin to ask questions. Turns out it was much more than an emotional affair. They would meet after work to mess around, though she swears she did not sleep with him. That she thought she was in love with him, that they would send each other dirty text messages, and she would send him pictures and videos. Everything that we used to do, she was now doing with him. She said she was glad that I found out instead of his wife because he had more to lose than she did. (Because he was married with three kids, and the kicker, he was attending ministry school). They would go to lunch with each other every day and would buy each other gifts. He bought her an expensive music player (which I insisted she took back, and she did). 

We are now on the long road of rebuilding our marriage, but I cant help but be triggered by songs on the radio, television shows, and more that are a constant reminder of what happened. I get angry and hurt all over again. 

So I have these questions for you: 

1. How do you all manage/combat these triggered thoughts? 

2. For those that have reconciled after an affair, how do you begin to regain the physical intimacy with your partner?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

First you have to let his wife know. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Then you get a DNA kit and have the baby tested. Sorry you are here.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

stoney,

I fear you are being trickle-truthed (TT) here.

The likelihood is that this is a PA.

Demand a polygraph to find out for sure. 

Tell her that if it reveals that she is lying about the nature of the A, then you will D, so her one chance is to confess everything now.

Chances are good that she will confess before the test IF YOU FOLLOW THROUGH...some posters here have actually gotten the confession on the way to or in the parking lot of the poly site.

Due to the fact that an A was going on during the time she became pregnant, do a paternity test.

And lastly EXPOSE the A.

Start with POS's BW. 

She needs to know what a scumbag she is married too, and doing this is the BEST way to kill the A permanently and prevent it from restarting.

POSOM is obviously terrified of you exposing him, hence his reaching out to 'explain' the innocent nature of his continued contact with your WW.

Then expose the A to both of your families and all mutual friends.

Inform them you are considering D if your needs and demands for fixing the M are not met.

This will prevent her from rewriting the marital history to justify her A and paint you as a monster.

Remember, the main purpose of all this is to demonstrate in no uncertain terms to your WW that she is on the edge of losing her entire life as she knows it.

And POSOM will almost certainly NOT be an option for her after the exposure.

If he was painting the A as all her fault to you, imagine how he will throw your WW under the bus to his own BW in a desperate attempt to save his own worthless a**.

Also, since your WW is quitting the job, expose the A at work. This will force POS to scramble even harder to save his own life by throwing your WW under the bus.

It should destroy her fantasy view of this piece of filth in quick order.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ask yourself if it was the other way around would she have given you a second chance? Just something to consider.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

When do you plan to expose this POS to his wife? Do it ASAP.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> When do you plan to expose this POS to his wife? Do it ASAP.


And how sweet he is/was going to be a minister. Expose this now!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

The more seasoned posters will be along to help out I'm sure.

Part of #2 is for your wife to be totally 'remorseful' and 100% own all the actions of the EA/PA.

Sure you both share the degrading of the marriage to where this could happen, but her actions are all on her.

You really need to kill any positive aspect of the affair and that means exposing it to anyone that would care at all. Work, other wife, friends, family, etc.

The exposure ensures that there are many eyes watching for any relapse and affairs can only survive in the dark.

The exposure will provide consequences too which need to be in place in order for any lesson to be learned.


Good luck to you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

tom67 said:


> And how sweet he is/was going to be a minister. Expose this now!


Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and others have a new protege...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and others have a new protege...


:iagree::lol:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sadly, Tom is right. You must DNA test your baby. Do not tell your wife you are doing it. Just do it.

Secondly, you must tell OM's wife. You must speak to her by telephone. Do not just send a message by email. It will not have the same impact. Post POSOM on Cheaterville, noting his religious fervour.

Is this your first child? How long has it been since you had sex? Did you have sex during pregnancy?

It is hard to believe your wife do not have sexual intercourse with him. Did you recover her texting?

Make sure you take care of your own health. Are you working out? Eating right?

Usually pregnant women are emotionally vulnerable and want reassurance from their spouses. At this critical time yours did not. You must have thought about this a lot. What has gone through your mind and how has she responded?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Why would someone who works at a chemical plant go to divinity school???


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Why would someone who works at a chemical plant go to divinity school???


To console all the poor women who come to him for support!


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Buy a DNA kit at WalMart or online for about $30. Swab the inside of your cheek and your son's with a Q-tip. Mail the kit to a lab along with an additional $130. 

*You are not testing your son, you are testing your wife.*


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need to have total transparency from her, and you need to verify it. Keylog the computer, put a VAR in her car. Don't tell her about any of this.

DNA you child. Do it so that there is never a question in the future. When the kid gets a bit older it becomes very difficult to get a dna sample secretly. So do it before the kid is old enough to understand what you are doing.

Triggers will happen for a long time. Try to manage your exposure to them by turning off the radio. Listen to CDs in the car. Turn off the tv and all the infidelity which pervades tv shows.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Physical intimacy will return when you feel comfortable with yourself. That isn't likely to happen anytime soon - especially if you think you don't trust what she's told you about the affair. 

I think several things could help:
1. have a conversation with the OM's wife. Tell her what you know and see if she has any info re the lovebirds during that time. 

2. Ask her for a written narrative about what happened/when/ who knew/ etc. In as much detail as possible. (you don't have to read it all - but I think you need to have it done)

3. Ask her if she's willing to take a polygraph to verify what she wrote in her narrative. 

These things may increase your trust in what she's telling you now.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> I think several things could help:
> 1. have a conversation with the OM's wife. Tell her what you know and see if she has any info re the lovebirds during that time.
> 
> 2. Ask her for a written narrative about what happened/when/ who knew/ etc. In as much detail as possible. (you don't have to read it all - but I think you need to have it done)
> ...


 Good ideas above but he needs to change one word. Remove the word "ask" and replace it with "insist"

You better get word to the OM wife. If you don't then he'll come up with some baloney story to feed her and when you do call her, she'll think your a crack pot.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Stoney, I know you love this woman but you have to be honest with yourself. First expose this affair to the other man's wife, she needs to know and he is not ministerial material. If you don't he will do this again, most likely with your wife. Next you need to consult with an attorney, you don't need to file but you need to be prepared. Also I think you need to have the baby tested. I also would expose to both families, as your wife doesn't appear to have any idea of the pain she has caused. Oh and yes she slept with the bum.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Stoney this must be a shock to you take some time and reread what everyone has posted.
Rugsweeping this will not help you.
Come back on when you are ready.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

VFW said:


> First expose this affair to the other man's wife, she needs to know and he is not ministerial material.



I agree with you about exposing the affair to OM's wife but, based on my personal experience, I think the OM would fit quite well between all those ministers, pastors, preachers. They are all horny guys and like to hit on women. Married or not.... it doesn't matter as they don't discriminate.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

adriana said:


> I agree with you about exposing the affair to OM's wife but, based on my personal experience, I think the OM would fit quite well between all those ministers, pastors, preachers. They are all horny guys and like to hit on women. Married or not.... it doesn't matter as they don't discriminate.


:iagree:
It's one less you have to worry about.
Expose this phony pos already.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

> They would meet after work to mess around, though she swears she did not sleep with him.


This is 110% absolute, complete, and total BULLSH*T, and you'd be beyond foolish to believe it.



> She said she was glad that I found out instead of his wife because he had more to lose than she did. (Because he was married with three kids, and the kicker, he was attending ministry school).


OM's wife deserves to know what a total piece of sh*t her husband is. You need to tell her. Yesterday.



> They would go to lunch with each other every day and would buy each other gifts. He bought her an expensive music player (which I insisted she took back, and she did).


Uhhhhh...WHY?!? Return it? Oh hell no... You should have smashed it to pieces w/ an 8-lb sledge.



> We are now on the long road of rebuilding our marriage, but I cant help but be triggered by songs on the radio, television shows, and more that are a constant reminder of what happened. I get angry and hurt all over again.


You're entitled to feel this way. It will take time. Having said that, I'm not convinced that she's worth your time (read on)...

She's lying to you, and you very well know it. There's more to this narrative, and you've only scratched the surface. 

Someone already said it, but I'll say it again... You need to DNA your son, because there is a very good chance that he isn't yours, at least not biologically. Think about it... Why else would she have left her husband (presumably, the father of her child) WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT?!? And all while you were in the process of moving...?!? This doesn't pass the sniff test. At all.

You need to do this, and you need to do it NOW, especially if there is a mechanism in your state by which you can be removed from the birth certificate in the case of a negative test result. Don't tell her that you're doing it. Just do it.

Now, I'm not saying that you cannot be a father to this child; what I AM saying is that it should be your choice, and not something that you are beholden to from a legal perspective (assuming, of course, that he's not yours).

Prepare yourself for a heart-rending discovery. Taking this step (the test), at this point, is really the only tool that you have (aside from a polygraph) to START to get the answers that you need and deserve.

This has been hard to read. I'm sorry that you're here. Best of luck to you going forward.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> This is 110% absolute, complete, and total BULLSH*T, and you'd be beyond foolish to believe it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
3 run homer here Stoney.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WTF....is your old lady still in high school?
Adults just don't mess around...we phuck... and that's just the way it is!

If one want to screw around one ain't going play around one is going to go all they way...why go half @ss when your risking everything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

stoney1 said:


> We are now on the long road of rebuilding our marriage, but I cant help but be triggered by songs on the radio, television shows, and more that are a constant reminder of what happened. I get angry and hurt all over again.
> 
> So I have these questions for you:
> 
> ...


First of all, you are NOT in True R, you are in False R. Those of us in True R can see that. You have been Trickle Truthed. And you are in denial. You have merely swept everything under the rug.

Follow the advice you've been given.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> WTF....is your old lady still in high school?
> Adults just don't mess around...we phuck... and that's just the way it is!
> 
> If one want to screw around one ain't going play around one is going to go all they way...why go half @ss when your risking everything?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

IKR? Every time I read one of these stories where "they made out", I'm like:










ONLY teenagers make out. Adults do it. The worst part about it, is these BS's always freaking believe this garbage because they're in denial.

Just like that other thread where the WW claimed the OM only went down on her, and that was the extent of the sex. Seriously? When we all know it was freaking creampies all the way.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

stoney1 said:


> The past six months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. It has had some amazing highs, and unspeakable lows. Looking back, I can't believe how stupid and naive I was to think that our marriage was impervious to infidelity.
> 
> My wife is the type of person that craves male attention, possibly stemming from an alcoholic father who refused to give her any attention. She has a tendency to have alot of guy friends and loves to be "one of the guys". She had been working at a chemical plant (high percentage of male employees).
> 
> ...


After reading her sordid history with the ministry student, I just have to ask you: Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that you want to reconcile with her. Honestly, she sounds like one of those flightly, flirty, "in love with love" women who is NEVER going to be satisfied with just one man. I don't care about her fakey remorseful attitude, I firmly believe she's incapable of any kind of long-term fidelity with you. That's just my take on what you've written. I sincerely hope that I'm wrong...I really do.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhhhh...WHY?!? Return it? Oh hell no... You should have smashed it to pieces w/ an 8-lb sledge.


Personally, I would have pawned it or sold it on eBay and bought something nice for myself.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

stoney1 said:


> She said she was glad that I found out instead of his wife because he had more to lose than she did.


The OM is more is important to her than you. 

The A has gone underground. It's a PA, definitely. As long as you don't inform the OMW, the A will continue. Also, inform family and friends about the A. File for D. If she's not begging your forgiveness every moment for the rest of her pathetic life, it's not remorse.

Your forgiveness would have meaning only when lack of it would be catastrophic for her. She should understand it fully.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

stoney1 said:


> She said she was glad that I found out instead of his wife because he had more to lose than she did. (Because he was married with three kids, and the kicker, he was attending ministry school).


OM is in training for the ministry. In that job he will be counseling women in troubled marriages. It would be a public service to expose him.

Pastor Mark Connelly forced to resign after confessing to multiple affairs | Mail Online

The married lead pastor of a mega-church in the Phoenix suburb of Gilbert has been forced to resign after church leaders discovered that he has been engaging in multiple extramarital affairs with women from his congregation. 

Just last year Connelly had hosted a seminar on what makes a successful marriage at the Buckhead Church in Atlanta.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Someone already said it, but I'll say it again... You need to DNA your son, because there is a very good chance that he isn't yours, at least not biologically. Think about it... Why else would she have left her husband (presumably, the father of her child) WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT?!? And all while you were in the process of moving...?!? This doesn't pass the sniff test. At all.
> 
> You need to do this, and you need to do it NOW, especially if there is a mechanism in your state by which you can be removed from the birth certificate in the case of a negative test result. Don't tell her that you're doing it. Just do it.


*Get a DNA kit and mail it NOW. Your son is so young he will not know what you are doing.*



stoney1 said:


> She said she was glad that I found out instead of his wife because he had more to lose than she did. (Because he was married with three kids, and the kicker, he was attending ministry school).


OM had more to lose than your wife did? Being pregnant and not having the father there for support is no big deal? Oh wait. The biological father had a family and couldn’t be there for support anyway. She was losing nothing.

P.S. GusPolinski's avatar makes me wish I had chosen “Uncle Buck” for my name instead of “Graywolf2”


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Stoney1, where'd you go?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Stoney,

Almost all newly betrayed spouses make mistakes in handling their WS's affair in the aftermath of the devastation. That's understandable. You sir, have made a veritable plethora of them.

The theme of those mistakes centers around your failure to give your wife consequences for her actions; and insisting that she accept them if she wants to save her marriage.

Without them, the following occurs:

- You allow her to rug sweep the affair.

- She has little motivation to change, given that she does not fear receiving them. 

- She never has the opportunity to really understand what it's like to lose her husband for cheating on him. That's vital.

- The chances she will cheat again increase dramatically.

- You will likely be in a false R until she does cheat again. 

- You will have future regrets for not testing her remorse.

- Your response displays weakness to her. Her attraction and respect for you decreases all the more because of it.

You have an opportunity to correct those mistakes *IF* you're willing to end your marriage to have the best chance to save it.

I can almost assure you, your wife had sex with this man. You should accept nothing less than the complete truth from her. If she doesn't confess to it, she's not telling the truth. Consider asking her to take a polygraph if she won't. Ask her to write out a time-line of the affair.

Expose the POSOM and don't tell her you're doing it. Post him on cheaterville.com. Make him regret choosing *your* wife to bang.

If you haven't, expose the A to her family and your family. Again, don't tell her you're doing it. 

Insist that she write a no-contact letter to the POSOM that you approve and mail. No sentiments.

Insist that she offers you complete transparency. No texting with opposite sex friends. No GNO's. She accounts for all of her time away from you. She will discuss the details of the A with you at any time.

DNA test your child.

Insist that she get tested for STD's.

Expect nothing less than her demonstration of true remorse. In every action, every word.

If she accepts *all* these consequences and demonstrates remorse; then you have a starting point for R.

If she doesn't accept *all* of them, if she doesn't demonstrate remorse to you; then implement the 180 to detach from her, start divorce proceedings, and work out your exit strategy. If she turns around completely, you can stop the D process, but not be before.

Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


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## stoney1 (Apr 7, 2014)

I appreciate all of your responses. The OM's wife is aware of what went on, as is his boss, and my family. She showed me the email that the OM wrote to her letting her know that he can no longer be in contact with her.The kid has been paternity tested and came back as my son. I also discussed with my wife how the OM threw her under the bus to me for the whole affair, much to her chagrin. I feel she has been honest, because she has discussed many of the sordid details when asked. She still maintains that they did not have sex, that she was willing to and wanted to, but he was unwilling. For those of you that said she was "in love with love" and "wanted that honeymoon feeling to last forever", were very accurate. I don't think she ever truly realized how much work goes into a marriage. She has mentioned that she has no right to privacy, and has been completely transparent regarding text messages, emails and more. 

We are in marital counseling and she is seeing a personal counselor as well to deal with some of her personal issues stemming from her past. 

I know I made mistakes in dealing with this affair, I don't think its something that anyone is really prepared for. 

But how do you all deal with the emotional triggers after the affair?

How do you get rid of the feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment?

How long did it take for you to become comfortable with physical intimacy?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

stoney1 said:


> .... *She has mentioned that she has no right to privacy*, and has been completely transparent regarding text messages, emails and more.
> 
> We are in marital counseling and she is seeing a personal counselor as well to deal with some of her personal issues stemming from her past.
> 
> ...


You DNA tested your kid in one day? Sweet. Also unlikely.

Privacy is one thing, secrecy is another. No secrets in a marriage. Privacy is for the bathroom.

You will have to let time slowly erode the razor's edge of the pain. That, and her remorse, are the only two corrosives to take off the edge of each knife she plunged into your chest.

Intimacy is another thing. It comes and goes. The day after my fWW and OM screwed for the last time (unbeknownst to me), I took her to a concert. We stayed in an ocean view hotel room. We screwed madly all night long, and decided to stay another night to do it again. 

It was only later I found out she just wanted to stay out of town, because OM was leaving town again for several months. And that the weekend was sloppy seconds for me. 

THAT is the kind of sh!t that will make your d!ck go limp at unexpected times. Mind movies.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stoney1 said:


> But how do you all deal with the emotional triggers after the affair?
> 
> How do you get rid of the feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment?


The best way to deal with this is for you to "know" that your wife is telling the truth and that you have tested her remorse to the *fullest* extent.

If your plan is to take your wife's word that this wasn't a PA, and you fail to pursue finding out for sure; you won't "know".

Unless you give her and she accepts, all the mentioned consequences, then you haven't fully tested her remorse.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

stoney1 said:


> I
> 
> But how do you all deal with the emotional triggers after the affair?
> 
> ...


All these emotional responses to your wife's A is normal. It takes quite a while to get over the triggers. Some here on TAM will talk about triggers years down the road.

The feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment will linger for quite a while as well. I do understand you feeling this way. Your wife's A had an impact on your manhood. You may feel that if you were "man " enough she would have never looked elsewhere. Frankly, those feelings are based upon false beliefs. There are studies where people get involved in A's and have good to great marriages and it really has nothing to do with the spouse. These feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment will fade but know that they will also raise their ugly heads when you least expect it. 

Pysical intimacy will also take a while to work through. 

In all these areas it will take months or even a year or more to get to the point of where you don't feel the sharp sting, emotionally.


I don't believe that they did not have sex.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

stoney1 said:


> I feel she has been honest, because she has discussed many of the sordid details when asked. She still maintains that they did not have sex, that she was willing to and wanted to, but he was unwilling.


I would normally say that your wife absolutely had intercourse with the OM. However this is an unusual case since the OM wants to be a minister. Your wife might actually be telling the truth. 

President Clinton read the bible like the lawyer he is and found what he considered a loophole. Only actual intercourse counts as sex according to the bible. At least that was President Clinton’s opinion. He was the king of oral sex, at least for receiving it. 

I’m sure that Monica Lewinsky would have loved to have intercourse with him but he refused. That way he could say “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky” and feel that he was telling the truth.

It’s kind of academic in a way if your wife had intercourse with the OM or not since she freely admitted she wanted to and would have allowed the OM to do so. Of course it would be better if she didn’t, but not by much.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I don't believe that they did not have sex.


:iagree:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The reality is, if she's not putting out for you, she's remaining faithful to HIM. You're not in reconciliation as long as you're not intimate. 

Look up Roadscholar's thread. It's obvious to everyone else. If you're not having sex, she's still cheating.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Welcome to Plan B.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I know I made mistakes in dealing with this affair, I don't think its something that anyone is really prepared for. 

:iagree::iagree:
I think you did better than most.It will take time.
Is she a surviver of childhood sexual abuse?

Anyway come back and thanks for the update we thought we lost another one.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Have you actually spoken to the OM's wife? If not don't believe that she actually knows about the affair. 

Tell your wife she has to go with you to a lie detector test - and you'll see what she conveniently forgot to tell you. 

It is possible she's telling you the truth but it's not a bet I would take personally.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The reality is, if she's not putting out for you, she's remaining faithful to HIM. You're not in reconciliation as long as you're not intimate.
> 
> Look up Roadscholar's thread. It's obvious to everyone else. If you're not having sex, she's still cheating.


It's not clear who is not putting out in the marriage. Stoney's questions below in his last post



> How do you get rid of the feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment?
> 
> How long did it take for you to become comfortable with physical intimacy?


imply HE is the one that's not comfortable with resuming intimacy. Stoney can clear up whether it's him or his wife that has put the brakes on sex.


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## stoney1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Its mostly her, and I am not sure if its her still physically recovering from the pregnancy (~7wks Post-Partum). I ask her about it and she says "She is in her head about it". At the same time I am still physically attracted to and want to be physically intimate, but Im still not sure where my head is going to be at when/if it happens. 

Two days ago was the OM b-day, I know because I saw it wrote down in her calendar back in January. I could tell she was affected by it. I asked her if she had the urge to contact him and she said she did, but did not go through with it for fear of what it would do.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

stoney1 said:


> Its mostly her, and I am not sure if its her still physically recovering from the pregnancy (~7wks Post-Partum). I ask her about it and she says "She is in her head about it". At the same time I am still physically attracted to and want to be physically intimate, but Im still not sure where my head is going to be at when/if it happens.
> 
> Two days ago was the OM b-day, I know because I saw it wrote down in her calendar back in January. I could tell she was affected by it. I asked her if she had the urge to contact him and she said she did, but did not go through with it for fear of what it would do.


I suggest a few sessions of ic for you it couldn't hurt.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Yeah here we are after my W's affair, and OM's bday is three weeks after mine. It still triggers me.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

You can’t save your marriage by only working on it yourself. Your wife needs to help and she just doesn’t get it when it comes to what she has done. She’s like a high school student that was caught skipping classes and now she’s in trouble.

I understand that things are more difficult because you have been dealing with a wayward spouse that was pregnant and now just had a baby. That makes her the victim more than you. It also limits how rough you can be on her. 

Normally I would recommend the 180 and have one of you move out to show her that there are consequences of her actions. I understand why you haven’t. No one wants to make a woman with an infant in her arms cry, but at some point you need to. 

The realization of actually losing you has never entered her mind and it needs to. She doesn’t even sound grateful to have you as her plan B. She takes that for granted.

She has no problem making it clear to you that she still loves the OM. It’s as if you’re her dad and she got caught staying out late with the cute bad boy from down the street. She would like to be with the OM but her dad will get mad. 

Ironically you have to risk losing your wife to have a chance of keeping her. Even if it’s a bluff you need to let her know that you can live without her.

At some point I would tell her that I’m the victim. Tell her that having your first child is a once in a lifetime event. You should be enjoying that and bonding with the mother. Both her past actions and continued actions have robbed you of that forever. 

Her still caring for the OM is hurtful. Tell her that if she thinks he’s the better man then she probably wishes that the baby was his. The way she has been acting you wish the same because then you would never have to see her again. 

Tell her that the OM is welcome to her and you hope she will be happy. When she has real remorse she can begin helping you reclaim your marriage. 

If she doesn't show true remorse (not just being sorry you found out) all you can do to save your marriage is be a doormat. She will not respect you and will cheat again.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> You can’t save your marriage by only working on it yourself. Your wife needs to help and she just doesn’t get it when it comes to what she has done. She’s like a high school student that was caught skipping classes and now she’s in trouble.
> 
> I understand that things are more difficult because you have been dealing with a wayward spouse that was pregnant and now just had a baby. That makes her the victim more than you. It also limits how rough you can be on her.
> 
> ...


Wow!
Very well said.
And sadly I believe very accurate.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You do have to show her that if need be, you are more than willing to move on.
Either she will wake up or you will find someone who really loves you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The likely hood they just messed around and now withholds sex from you is almost zero.

Tell her you want her to take a polygraph.

She is not having sex with you because se is being faithful to the om. She loves him not you.

Act accordingly.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

stoney1 said:


> Its mostly her, and I am not sure if its her still physically recovering from the pregnancy (~7wks Post-Partum). I ask her about it and she says "She is in her head about it". At the same time I am still physically attracted to and want to be physically intimate, but Im still not sure where my head is going to be at when/if it happens.
> 
> Two days ago was the OM b-day, I know because I saw it wrote down in her calendar back in January. I could tell she was affected by it. I asked her if she had the urge to contact him and she said she did, but did not go through with it for fear of what it would do.


The women I know and especailly my wife were crawling the walls by the time the six weeks post birth was up. Having to use condoms at that point didn't go over well with her either.

Your wife is showing you who she really is. Time to use your stones.

I think this started long before you moved, how far back have you checked her phone records?


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

stoney1 said:


> Two days ago was the OM b-day, I know because I saw it wrote down in her calendar back in January. *I could tell she was affected by it*. I asked her if she had the urge to contact him and she said she did, but did not go through with it for fear of what it would do.





Chaparral said:


> She is not having sex with you because se is being faithful to the om. * She loves him not you*.Act accordingly.


:iagree:


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

stoney1 said:


> The weekend that I moved to the new house, my wife tells me that she no longer wants to have anything to do with me, that she has been unhappy and *feels neglected*. While spending Christmas and New Year's together, she would tell me that *I was "smothering her", and "We are spending too much time together"*, and "She likes her new found independence"
> 
> 
> > Which is it? Neglect or smothering?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

stoney1 said:


> Two days ago was the OM b-day... I asked her if she had the urge to contact him and she said she did, but did not go through with it for fear of what it would do.


This does not bode well for your relationship if she is still thinking about him and still wants to contact him.

Protect yourself Stoney... this may get uglier before it gets better.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> This does not bode well for your relationship if she is still thinking about him and still wants to contact him.
> 
> Protect yourself Stoney... this may get uglier before it gets better.


:iagree:

I would tell her to go, and it would be best to file for D. 
Get her in total shock.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

stoney1 said:


> I asked her if she had the urge to contact him and she said she did, but did not go through with it for fear of what it would do.


At least you know she's not remorseful and would most likely relapse back to the affair if giving the opportunity.

You are basically in a false R at the moment. 

You are doing her a favor not divorcing her, I suggest you give her a reality check by talking to a lawyer "just in case" and downloading petitions for a D as well as run through some financial scenarios with her if "hypothetically" you change your mind and want to D instead of R.

She can not for one minute think you will R at all cost, you have to show her that you have one foot out the door and if she doesn't fly right she will be flying alone. Trying to be a better husband isn't going make her stop thinking about the A, it had nothing to do with you. She needs to fear losing you and be desperate to keep the M intact. It's your job to make her feel like she can lose you at any time because of this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> At least you know she's not remorseful and would most likely relapse back to the affair if giving the opportunity.
> 
> You are basically in a false R at the moment.
> 
> ...


The old saying here "you have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it" really applies in your case.
It's the only chance you have at this point imo.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Triggers suck, don't they? 

Even stupidly irrelevent things. Like, anyone with the OM names. Stephen, Sean, Tony, Nick, Will, Eli, Scott...and Heather. 

Then it's any time I drive by one of their houses. Or a place where I know something happened. 

Any TV show or movie that either A) mentions one of their names or B) is about infidelity. Or every song they sing on The Voice seems to be like "Why oh why did my ***** wife cheat on me I'm so broken hearted oh waaaah.."

Best you can do is just find a way to live with it. Wonderful piece of advice I got, of all places, from a TV show is basically that this will consume your life for a while, but you find a way to live with it. It'll be the first thing you think about every day, until one day, its the second thing.

The idea of revenge doesn't seem very popular here, but I think everyone is different. For some, getting even doesn't help. For me, it helps AMAZINGLY. Calling up the other man's wife is fun. So is nailing one of your wife's friends. 

My wife and I have had a rough go of things, but as far as her honesty now, she has serious motivation to be honest with me. I've told her that if there's anything left to tell me, or anything in the future, she can tell me, and we'll deal with it. But if I ever find out anything on my own again, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I guarantee you it's gonna be on the news.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read RoadScholar's thread.

Read Bagdon's also.

It is very important that you do not mope about the sexless marriage. You have to work out in gym and keep your endorphins flowing. Your wife has to desire you because you are the leader in your relationship.

You have to be prepared to move on if you cannot enjoy being together.


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## stoney1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Again, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. Upon the advisement of some of the posters, I went to Amazon and read the first sample section of "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It was as if that book was describing me perfectly. I couldn't believe how much of a beta-male I had been acting like when it came to her affair, and my marriage in general. I was making her the center of my emotional universe, doing everything I could to please her, and would become frustrated when I felt she would not reciprocate. 

I ordered the book to help work on becoming more assertive in this situation, and in life in general. I even took it upon myself to go home and make a conscious effort to act more assertive, take charge, and act more like an alpha-male to my wife. I got a message from my wife today that we need to put the baby to bed earlier tonight for some "us" time.

I am far from saying the problem is solved, but it is a small step in the right direction.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Jadiel said:


> The idea of revenge doesn't seem very popular here, but I think everyone is different. For some, getting even doesn't help. For me, it helps AMAZINGLY. Calling up the other man's wife is fun. So is nailing one of your wife's friends.


Glad to read your post brother. It's nice to see someone favoring vengeance for a change.


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