# Wife wants space, not in love anymore, need advice



## choice (Jul 16, 2012)

I could use some advice and input on my situation.

First off I'd should mention that I'm totally confused and scatter brained so excuse any incoherent posts.

I've been married to my wife for 3 1/2 years, we've got two children together (2 1/2 and 4) and we've been together for a total of 5 (going on six) years. For the last couple years we've been steadily growing apart. It's been a crazy couple years because both of us were in school full time, there was the birth of our second, and I've launched myself into a new profession. Our family has undergone a tremendous amount of stress and several times my relationship has been hanging by a thread. Also we are both young (25 and 28) and conceived our first born after 8 months of dating.

I've definitely noticed that we had been slowly drifting apart. We don't connect anymore on a romantic/passionate level. I've allowed my work to get between us partly because of the pressure of being successful and providing for my family but also as an excuse to not deal with my relationship. Anyway this spring my wife finished her two years of school and started her practicum as well as taking on 2 part-time jobs. I was upset with her for taking on this much and understood the amount of stress this would put on our family. I work from home so for the last month I've been working till 3AM to make the bills since her work wouldn't make the bills. This basically meant that we rarely got to spend any quality time together.

Now I assumed that once her practicum was over then I would be able to work regular hours and she could work a single job to bring some regularity to our life, maybe reconnect a bit. BUT first her school mates (whom she'd become very close with) suggested they blow off some steam in Las Vegas for a week. I thought this was a dangerous thing for our marriage but I felt like saying "no" was going to be just as detrimental as letting her go.

Well Vegas she had a blast of course, while I sat at home with the kids worrying about her cheating on me. I know her girlfriends were cheating on their men. We had a major breakdown in communication while she was away (which we fought about).

Now that she's back we've realized how disconnected we were. Especially her, she's confessed to making out with a guy while she was there. This drives me nuts but I can forgive her for this considering what could've happened there.

She wants space, time to think. She's taken off for a couple days now, just a week after getting back. Gone to the city. The kids keep asking where mom is and I'm not sure what to say to them.

There's more but I'll leave it at that. Sorry for the long post but I'm super confused and hurt. I know I love her cause I worry about her well-being, about her being safe in the city, about her future, and about her happiness.

Advice?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Just one thing -- if you think all she did in Vegas was make out with some guys (sorry but you are wrong) -- she had sex and you let her do it. Her friends got her back and they got hers.

Your marriage is on the rocks -- you are growing apart -- her friends are cheating on their spouses which you stated -- and you said -- go have fun I will watch the kids.

I just have one question:

What the hell were you thinking ??

Her taking off and leaving the home also probably signals she has OM -- and my guess he went to Vegas with her.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

If she wanted to go to Vegas, who was he to stop her?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok , so she's now in a physical affair with another man. She went to vegas with cheating tramps, she cheated, and etc. 

First, if you have any evidence or details of the friends cheating - tell the husbands ASAP. You want to both warn the husbands, but more importantly you want the toxic friends to ditch your wife. Create the rift.


Next find the OM. he is more than not actually local and went to vegas with her. Find him. Expose him. Make the affair costly and humiliating for him.

He is more likely than not either a friend of one of the cheating friends or someone from school. Find him.

Only when you've isolated your wife from her affair supporting friends, and the OM will you stand a chance.


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## choice (Jul 16, 2012)

@jh52 Totally considered this, totally a possibility. I have no proof and the only thing I've got is the possibility that she hasn't. One thing i considered was the elements that make up a relationship. passion, intimacy, and commitment. Up until now we've always had intimacy and commitment just no passion. And now that commitment is down the crapper, the only thing that I know about here is that she'll tell me whatever she wants even if it'll hurt my feelings (since we are way past that now).

@UpnDown this was my thought. How would stopping her going to Vegas stop her cheating on me? If this was going to happen it was going to happen, one way or another.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> If she wanted to go to Vegas, who was he to stop her?


So how did the trip work out for him.

She banged some guy(s) in Vegas -- she comes home and leaves the house while she thinks things over (banging another man) is my guess.

It's like watching a wreck about to happen -- and you can try and do something to stop it -- but instead just you just stand by and watch it.

Just curious -- what would you have done ??


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Have her get tested for STDs if you plan on having sex with her.

Is cheating a dealbreaker for you?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

choice said:


> @jh52 Totally considered this, totally a possibility. I have no proof and the only thing I've got is the possibility that she hasn't. One thing i considered was the elements that make up a relationship. passion, intimacy, and commitment. Up until now we've always had intimacy and commitment just no passion. And now that commitment is down the crapper, the only thing that I know about here is that she'll tell me whatever she wants even if it'll hurt my feelings (since we are way past that now).
> 
> @UpnDown this was my thought. How would stopping her going to Vegas stop her cheating on me? If this was going to happen it was going to happen, one way or another.


My point is -- it appears to me you didn't say don't go -- let's work on our marriage. You shouldn't have physically stopped her -- I am not saying that -- but did you try to get her to change her mind and work on your marriage.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

While I do agree with exposing the other women to there husbands, I would suggest not 'forgiving' her so soon.

Forgiving her readily as you said will only ensure future downfalls IF this happens to work out.

Boundaries, you need to establish your own personal boundaries.

Learn to say "I'm not okay with that." nothing else.

She messed around while in Vegas? She doesn't deserve long winded replies from you.

Straight. Direct. Basic.

You want to make this serious for her? Start working on a parenting plan. Present it to her. 

Dissolve any financial connections you have, do not pay for her to leave you. 

She doesn't want to be with you? Fine, then you don't support her.

You support your children.

Do not let her play victim to you, you are not responsible for her actions.

SHE made the choice to go to Vegas, it has nothing to do with the falling apart of your relationship.

That was her own, selfish 'escape' from having to deal with reality and there is absolutely nothing you have to say sorry for to her.


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## choice (Jul 16, 2012)

@Shaggy hateful, too hateful for me. thanks. seriously i love this girl. I want the best for her. I don't know if you understand that. If she doesn't love me than that's that, if she wants to run off with someone else than that's the deal, I'll deal. I have children with her and she'll have to deal with that and me for the rest of her life.

Now i'm not nieve. I've checked her emails, facebook, i see the cell phone bills, we go to a small school and i've met everyone, not a single person remotely like that. If it's an affair (knowing her) it was a Las Vegas thing. I live in a small town and it would've been much too risky trying anything here. Especially considering she knows the entire town and she has a job where she needs here reputation to be good.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> While I do agree with exposing the other women to there husbands, I would suggest not 'forgiving' her so soon.
> 
> Forgiving her readily as you said will only ensure future downfalls IF this happens to work out.
> 
> ...


100% totally agree !!


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## choice (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks, I'm hearing you. I like your supportive comment it's much more helpful than hearing about the things i've done wrong, i know those already.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

jh52 said:


> So how did the trip work out for him.
> 
> She banged some guy(s) in Vegas -- she comes home and leaves the house while she thinks things over (banging another man) is my guess.
> 
> ...


You want to know what I did?

My ex left me at the start of March.

4 days later, she asked to come back and I let her.

She then decided to plan a trip across the boarder which I was not allowed to come with her to.

Planned on meeting up with her online gaming friends (mostly all male). They didn't want me to go, because I was snooping and found her emailing pictures of my children and herself to someone.

For 3 weeks I tried to work it out. Once I discovered they were arranging the date specifically around her so she could go, I kicked her the fvck out.

The most ironic thing about it, she told them the original date (July 14th, yesterday) was not going to work because it was our anniversary.

I was reading there forum discussions. I went to the bank, took out half of savings. Went home. Threw it on the bed and told her to get the fvck out.

This trip was scheduled for the 28th of July. They are no longer doing it because a lot of people have stopped playing that game or no longer can afford to go (she is one of them).

At the time I was hoping by now she would have come to her senses.

I was wrong.


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## choice (Jul 16, 2012)

Okay everyone. So this is something i need to ask because I'm an optimist.

what if she is being honest? what if it was a kiss and only a kiss. Is this marriage still doomed?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Choice -- you read about this on the coping with infidelity forum everyday !! It's heartbreaking reading what spouses go through on both this forum and CWI.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

choice said:


> Thanks, I'm hearing you. I like your supportive comment it's much more helpful than hearing about the things i've done wrong, i know those already.


No offense friend, but you hardly know anything.

If you knew, you wouldn't be here.

But that's why we are here. To help you figure it out.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

choice said:


> Okay everyone. So this is something i need to ask because I'm an optimist.
> 
> what if she is being honest? what if it was a kiss and only a kiss. Is this marriage still doomed?


AT the momemnt yes -- because YOU are the only one working on it. She has checked out of the marriage -- and not sure if she wants back in.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

choice said:


> Okay everyone. So this is something i need to ask because I'm an optimist.
> 
> what if she is being honest? what if it was a kiss and only a kiss. Is this marriage still doomed?


Let's take out her having sex, kiss, etc. out, just her leaving to las vegas with her toxic friends while your marriage was rocky shows how much or lack of commitment she has to this marriage.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Choice, If i understand you correctly, I am also a victim of graduation. My wife just finished her degree during a major fight and decided to stay with her best friend, who is young and single. She has since become hellbent on being carefree and irresponsible.

It's an impossible thing to fight. And there was no real decision for you in Vegas. She needed to decompress and unfortunately it happened in the worst way.

The PA in Vegas? Who knows. Maybe she slept with him; maybe not. Does it much matter? It's a matter of degrees but the important part is that she's fried with your relationship and is sending clear signals that she's unhappy. Dude was probably just some rando Vegas hookup. Why bother to go to Vegas if you're going to take somebody with you? Sounds like a girls trip gone awry (by design).

Good on you for owning up to what you did wrong in your relationship. Sounds like you weren't really happy with where it was going before this Vegas thing happened. You need to make up your mind about where you stand before you deal with anyone else.

For now, don't overreact. Give her the space she needs away and don't communicate with her while she's gone. See what the discussion is like on the other side. Use that time for you.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

choice said:


> Okay everyone. So this is something i need to ask because I'm an optimist.
> 
> what if she is being honest? what if it was a kiss and only a kiss. Is this marriage still doomed?


First off, you need to tell her to get tested.

Doesn't matter what she says. This is an example of a boundary.

"I am not okay continuing this relationship until you get tested.".

She wants to cry and throw a huge fit about how you don't trust her blah blah. Well guess what, she probably is lying.

Even in the event that she is telling the truth, it's the least she can do to prove she isn't going to transmit something to you.

Here's the thing (and even after 4 months I'm still trying to get the hang of it).. this has nothing to do with her anymore.

This has to do with you.

What you are and aren't OKAY WITH.

You have to start thinking about life without her, as hard as it is.

Learn the family laws, figure out anything and everything you need to.

Look into parenting plans, 2-2-3 or every other week.

Start writing down things, her lack of interest taking the kids etc.

You need to start protecting yourself, especially financially. 


Not only will this prepare you for the future in the event things go bad.

But be prepared for her to use anything and everything against you to make you feel down, miserable and sympathetic to her cries of being the victim.

Establish your rights, gain control of the situation through study and have the ability to see the manipulation through her words.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Also, read up on the 180.

Fact is, the way things were going were not obviously working out for both of you.

That does not mean that you are the only one who needs to invoke change.

It also cannot be change based on her. Do you think you are pretty co-dependent?

You should also go dark, no contact. Unless it is about the kids.

She will either realize she misses you, or that it is really over.

Give her the space she wants, but do not jump to her every text, call, email or demand.

I'd also recommend reading the links in my signature. 

It may help you get a perspective on the dynamic of your relationship. How you communicate.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Why bother to go to Vegas if you're going to take somebody with you? 

If she goes with OM --


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I beg to differ on giving her space. He already did by allowing her to go vegas and look how she used that? She needs to be handed divorce papers and exposed to her family at once to shock her out of her current mental state.


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