# Wife crush on om



## Hockeyfan (Apr 13, 2016)

Hi first post 
So my wife has made a new friend at work over the last 6 months 
And they have gotten to be friends outside of work.
I have noticed for swipe now that my wife has the hots for him but recently my gut was telling me something 
So I checked her text history and read texts that she had with some of her friends 
One text was her work Christmas party she said I did not have to go 
So I stayed home with the kids 
Then I read a text with her talking to a gf telling her 
She was so happy that I was not going cause she found out om was going to go 
Then the next one was she was going to a event with him and her friend 
I was able to get off work early so I could go 
Well the text to her friend was how it won't be as much fun now that I'm going 
And then just more texts to her friends about him how she was mad he hasn't called her back and lots of other things mentioning him 
And how she was going to a play he was in and his gf would be there and put sigh under it 
I don't think he is as interested in her as she is in him 
She is dressing sexier now and seems to want to be intimate with me after seeing him 
I know this is a full blown ea 
Should I confront her now or gather more proof 
I am so distraught today about it 
Sorry for the long rant
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Well, I don't think she is ****ing him.

What is it that you want to do?

I wouldn't confront yet. But if you do, do not reveal what you have. It will just become about invading her privacy and about how you're insecure.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Wow, your wife really doesn't respect you very much does she? In most instances I would sit back and watch but not act. In this instance you need to put a stop to this immediately. Tell her what you know and how disrespectful it is. Expect a lot of "It's just girl talk!" or "You are overreacting". 

Do you have children with her? Assuming you don't, I would tell her that if she really wants him, simply sign some divorce papers and I'll move on. But if you want ME, then this BS is going to stop now! I will not be disrespected in this way. Don't wait until they have a drunken ONS at a party.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

What was text is cold. It is only a matter of time. As Marduk suggested. Don't give up the source of your information. Ask some open ended questions concerning co-workers in general then drop the "Does any of your co-workers interest you romantically?" See how that sits with your W. If she brushes it off as no one interests her. Then ask how she feels about you. Let your W start to bury herself.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You have some quick decisions to make. If you sit there with a wife who you know is pursuing a co worker, you are playing Russian Roulette. Why?? because workplace affairs, and yours is in at least the beginning of one, are the hardest to stop, and wind up impossible to stop unless someone leaves the job.

So yes, if you confront her now, she is going to deny that it is anything serious, and do what is called gaslighting you and make you think you are a jealous nut, Too many men fall for that. you have enough "evidence" right there without gathering anything else as to what she is doing and saying. And believe me, if you sit there watching and she bangs him, you are really going to kick yourself in the ass.

And you have another big problem, really big. Your wife obviously has at least one girlfriend who thinks this is cute and who is probably encouraging her and will most certainly cover for her. 

My suggestion my friend is to go to Best Buy and put a VAR in her car, and a GPS on it, which you can do for less then $100. That way when you confront her and she takes it further underground you will know exactly what she is doing.

When you confront her, you cannot negotiate. You have proof in her own words what she is doing and you need to tell her you have no intentions of sharing her,. if you let her back you down you are headed for big time trouble.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> You have some quick decisions to make. If you sit there with a wife who you know is pursuing a co worker, you are playing Russian Roulette. Why?? because workplace affairs, and yours is in at least the beginning of one, are the hardest to stop, and wind up impossible to stop unless someone leaves the job.
> 
> So yes, if you confront her now, she is going to deny that it is anything serious, and do what is called gaslighting you and make you think you are a jealous nut, Too many men fall for that. you have enough "evidence" right there without gathering anything else as to what she is doing and saying. And believe me, if you sit there watching and she bangs him, you are really going to kick yourself in the ass.
> 
> ...


I normally say......wait....get more evidence. 

You have enough. However, after you confront, still put the VAR's in her car and at the place in the house where she does most of her talking.

If this marriage is worth saving than do it before it cannot be reconciled. Before the first kiss, grope, and then..... PIV.

If she is ready to jump on this guys junk and he fends her off, the next guy may not have the same force of character.

Her boundaries are wide open. Close them down, now!

This early confront will put her on notice for her open borders and disgusting disrespect to you that she mentioned to her friend. 

She better be DAMN REMORSEFUL after you hit her with her texts.

If it were me, I would file. No slack for the black...heart.


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## Naku (May 26, 2013)

I just wanted to add that you know what you know and that is enough. It doesn't matter whether you prove it to her or not (don't give up your sources). You have right on your side. As sure as the sun rises, she will try to convince you that you are controlling, insecure, etc. This needs to be stopped before F happens and it is also an opportunity to show yourself as a man to her. She would not be pursuing another guy if she felt sufficiently attracted to you. You will have to read up on "DLVs an DHVs". Here is a post you should read: 

How Walkaway Wives Run a Dirty MAP | Married Man Sex Life

Be firm, don't worry about her getting mad at you (she will), don't worry about her threats (she will fine tune them to get under her skin) and watch what she does. Continue to monitor with VAR and GPS. 

So: I will say this and leave for others, such as Gus, to comment. I would not wait for something to happen. I would confront by sitting her down and saying "I'm not telling you who told me (to throw her off your real source), but I know are interested in and pursuing Mr. X. The relationship is already inappropriate for a married woman and if I find out you F him, I will be filing for divorce." You will look and feel like a man. You do not need to explain, you can state and walk away. It doesn't matter what she says after that; don't let her get a reaction out of you. You are Clint Eastwood and you are cool. Then contact Mr. X and tell him to keep away from your wife or you are going to HR and the company.

Then watch how she is over the next few days, continue to monitor and follow through with the VAR and GPS. Never tell your sources. it may become necessary in the future to have her find another job. You can figure that out later.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*If this marriage is worth saving than do it before it cannot be reconciled. Before the first kiss, grope, and then..... PIV.

If she is ready to jump on this guys junk and he fends her off, the next guy may not have the same force of character.

Her boundaries are wide open. Close them down, now!*

Very good advice here also. And you do need to see an attorney!!!! To find out your rights. Your wife is showing such disrespect for you that your reaction is going to be critical in what happens next.

if you play the "pick me game:, and tell how how you forgive her and will do anything to stay married to her, she will certainly continue to pursue this guy until she bangs him or someone else. You need to make her believe without a reasonable doubt that you are NOT negotiating here and that there are going to be no passwords on her devices and that she is not going alone to ANY work events that spouses are able to attend.

And you also need to tell her that she is also not going anywhere alone with her girlfriend who she is confiding this stuff to, or the next thing you will find out she was with this OM instead of out shopping with Sally.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OK, to be clear, if you feel you MUST confront right now this is what I would do (having had a wife go out all the time, and start an EA, and I blew it spectacularly with both):

Make a marriage counselling appointment. For the two of you. Don't tell her.

Then sit your wife down and say something like:
"Wife, you and I have to talk. I want you to just listen while I get this out. I know you are attracted to X. To the point that you're openly making comments to your friends about him, and would rather me not be at events that X is at so I won't 'spoil your fun.' There's no point in denying it, and I'm not going to try to prove to you how I know what I know. We both know it. What I'm here to do is tell you that our marriage is in trouble and you have a choice to make. Join me in MC on Y date if you want to stay married, don't if you don't." 

And then turn around and walk away and REFUSE to discuss it further until you're in MC together. I would not sleep in the same bed with her until MC, or talk about anything but logistics.

Whatever you do:

Do not tell her how you know what you know. (If necessary, insinuate some of her weasel friends let it slip)

Do not listen to her refusing that it's actually happening.

Do not listen to her insult you or call you insecure and overbearing.

Do not cry, beg, plead, or show any pain in her presence.

Do not back down once you're in it. Whatever the hell you do, don't do that.

If she refuses MC, or laughs it off, or becomes overly indignant... 

Stop talking to her altogether, be gone a lot, do things that are fun, come home late, be on your phone all the time.

I know it sounds like brinksmanship, because it is. You need to force a decision.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This was painful to read.
She certainly does not have much respect for you.

If the roles were reversed how do you think your wife would be acting.
If you do not respect yourself then who will because she certainly does not.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You have received good advice. Confront ASAP and VAR. I would place one at home and one on car. Mirror her phone. 

And for pete's sake do not play the "pick me game". You have to show strength sir.

Nip this shyt in the bud now!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hockey can't really add to the great advice you have gotten so far except I suggest you read these...

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Athol and Jennifer Kay | Married Man Sex Life

Couple questions...

Do you have kids?
Length of the marriage?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> You have received good advice. Confront ASAP and VAR. I would place one at home and one on car. Mirror her phone.
> 
> And for pete's sake do not play the "pick me game". You have to show strength sir.
> 
> Nip this shyt in the bud now!


Right on!!! Playing the pick me game will lower your status and cause more disrespect if that's possible. If you are weak and timid in this situation you lose.

Down load and read No More Mr Nice Guy. It's free pdf.

Make yourself better. Haircut, clothes, Cologne, get a gym membership 

I'd advise spending more time with her.
Date night once a week. 

The marriage is stale spice it up but from a position of strength.

You can do this


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

Your wife lost all respect for you. Just look at those texts to her "friends". If you want to work on your Marriage those friends have to go from your life and your wife have to change her job. 

Dont let her blame you for her actions. She will speak about you invading her privacy. Forget about that,she is your wife so she can have privacy when she takes a piss or ****.t, sorry.

Ball is in your court but I would advice you to buy some VARs and wait another day or two. You will get even more evidence.

Stay strong.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

If you confront her now she will say that they are just friends and that you are crazy. If you show her the texts she will say that she was just joking with her girlfriend and be mad at you for invading her privacy. Then she will know that you can look at her texts.

As others have said do not confront now and put a VAR under her car seat. Never tell anyone about the VAR. If you use the information from the VAR make her think that friends saw them or you must have hired a PI.

Look here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Hockeyfan (Apr 13, 2016)

Thanks for the replies 
I think I will just confront her now (might wait till end of weekend as we have date night and dinner with friends the next night )
I will just not let her know about the texts unless necessary 
These texts span a three month period 
So I think I should not wait till it's too late
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Naku (May 26, 2013)

Hockeyfan said:


> Thanks for the replies
> I think I will just confront her now (might wait till end of weekend as we have date night and dinner with friends the next night )
> I will just not let her know about the texts unless necessary
> These texts span a three month period
> ...


You will not need to tell her about the texts when you know the truth. If you show her the texts, she will give you an excuse (no matter how far-fetched) and then you lose that source of info. Trust me, you are doing this for her benefit as well before she does something you will both regret. Don't be afraid of her. 

You may be told that things have always been bad, bad for years, etc when it's not true. For an explanation of this topic, read below:

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/4cax09/the_lightswitch_effect_why_women_rewrite_the/


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## Naku (May 26, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> If you confront her now she will say that they are just friends and that you are crazy. If you show her the texts she will say that she was just joking with her girlfriend and be mad at you for invading her privacy. Then she will know that you can look at her texts.
> 
> As others have said do not confront now and put a VAR under her car seat. Never tell anyone about the VAR. If you use the information from the VAR make her think that friends saw them or you must have hired a PI.
> 
> Look here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html



I disagree. That's normally the plan for a wife that's already cheating. There's a chance he can stop her from doing something stupid and then continue to monitor.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hockeyfan said:


> Thanks for the replies
> I think I will just confront her now (might wait till end of weekend as we have date night and dinner with friends the next night )
> I will just not let her know about the texts unless necessary
> These texts span a three month period
> ...


Don't tell her about damn texts!

I'm telling you from experience - it will be about you snooping for years, not her eye wandering. 

Trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

If she asks about the source just say that not everyone can keep secrets as good as she does or that you have it from someone close to her and you won't give her the name of your source. She may think it is the toxic gf or someone from her workplace. If you can monitor her communication with a VAR or texts you may be able to catch her accusing them (especially the gf). Could be very interesting and telling.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Hockeyfan said:


> Thanks for the replies
> I think I will just confront her now (might wait till end of weekend as we have date night and dinner with friends the next night )
> I will just not let her know about the texts unless necessary
> These texts span a three month period
> ...


Yep, talk it out ASAP. Don't tell her your source. Just tell her what you know to be true. You'll need to tell her she can have you or him, but not both.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hockeyfan said:


> Thanks for the replies
> I think I will just confront her now (might wait till end of weekend as we have date night and dinner with friends the next night )
> I will just not let her know about the texts unless necessary
> These texts span a three month period
> ...


That's what id do. The key is be strong and don't take any lies or sh!t. Keep her focused and on point.

I would say the real question is do you want to stay married? If not we can end it now. I'll be fine without you. 

One true fact. You will be too rather than deal with this sh!t.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Hockeyfan said:


> Thanks for the replies
> I think I will just confront her now (might wait till end of weekend as we have date night and dinner with friends the next night )
> I will just not let her know about the texts unless necessary
> These texts span a three month period
> ...


I have no problem with your confronting.
My question is why would someone want to stay in a marriage with someone who requires confrontation in order to be loyal?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No source reveal.
No accepting her blame shifting.
No letting her act angry. If someone's going to be angry, it's you.
The smart money is on serving her with divorce papers. This is serious and it deserves a serious response.
She's treating you like a set of old shoes. She plainly doesn't want you.

You should serve her with papers. Give her what she wants. I doubt you can, because this stuff weakens a man. But it's what you should do.
If she shows remorse and you decide to accept her back, you can always cancel the divorce.

Emotionally she's gone already. You can't persuade her to love you.
If you have the strength, turn her loose. It's your only hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

3 months? Follow marduk's advice YESTERDAY.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Naku said:


> I disagree. That's normally the plan for a wife that's already cheating. There's a chance he can stop her from doing something stupid and then continue to monitor.



Stupid,no. Immoral and disloyal-yes.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

If this has been going on for three months you may be too late to stop PA.

You better forget about the date night and friends and ruin her week end if necessary.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maxo said:


> I have no problem with your confronting.
> My question is why would someone want to stay in a marriage with someone who requires confrontation in order to be loyal?


This is my position also. She has already cut her husband's throat.

Not to confront means he has to keep his head down...down to keep the bloody gash closed. Blood is limited...pride is even more precious. Don't fall on HER sword.

She is way toooo disloyal. Why try to rein-in a mule when beautiful mares are in the pasture.

Dump her with a whumpa-thump on the curb.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> This is my position also. She has already cut her husband's throat.
> 
> Not to confront means he has to keep his head down...down to keep the bloody gash closed. Blood is limited...pride is even more precious. Don't fall on HER sword.
> 
> ...


I side with the exposure folks. She's not done anything (yet) to merit a divorce.

Let her know that you know what is going on. Others have explained this in some detail. But DO NOT tell her the source of your information---and she will try to wangle it out of you. If you tell her how you know, that source of information and all other obvious sources of information may vanish.

Don't let the talk end before you make your boundaries very very clear. And mean it. This is the acid test for your marriage.

She'll deny everything (or at best admit to something innocent). Don't buy it and don't argue with her. You do NOT have to prove anything. She knows what she's done and how she feels.

It would not be inappropriate to walk out of the conversation after you've made your points and the talk has degenerated into a string of denials.

And oh yes, it is certainly OK to tell her to sleep on the couch that night.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

marduk said:


> OK, to be clear, if you feel you MUST confront right now this is what I would do (having had a wife go out all the time, and start an EA, and I blew it spectacularly with both):
> 
> Make a marriage counselling appointment. For the two of you. Don't tell her.
> 
> ...


This in its entirety. Just add to get the VAR in her car and the room that she tends to do her talking in before confronting.

If she does what I'm sure she's going to do, go off on you being controlling, then you need to detach. Work on yourself (gym, clothes, hair, hygiene, ETC) and start hanging out. reconnect with male friends. Become scarce. No more baby sitting to enable her attempts at wh0ring. It's a form of dread. Most times it works but it has to be real. Right now she's bored with you and thinks any new guy is better than you. You have to become the guy that she or other women would want to cheat with. 

When she notices you upping your game and distancing yourself, she will come around. If not, you'll be the confident guy that will know he can get another woman and will no longer tolerate her disrespect. Most women come around but some are just dying to be a divorcee with kids.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> If this has been going on for three months you may be too late to stop PA.
> 
> You better forget about the date night and friends and ruin her week end if necessary.


I think that this is some good advice. I'd address this issue sooner rather than later. But don't let her turn this on you. She is dead wrong.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP if you do nothing else, put a VAR in her car before you confront. Confrontation will likely trigger some communication from her. This is a prime time to find out what is said.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

He is 100% on the mark. Watch her facial expressions, too and body language. You can tell when **** ain't right sir.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Hockeyfan said:


> Thanks for the replies
> I think I will just confront her now (might wait till end of weekend as we have date night and dinner with friends the next night )
> I will just not let her know about the texts unless necessary
> These texts span a three month period
> ...


 If you confront her do like a lawyer does, ask her questions that you already know the answers to without letting her know about you reading the texts. 

Ask your questions and if she lies about it then if it was me, I would let her know that if she lied to you at all with her answers, then she's going to be looking for another place to live. 

Don't let her turn the tables on you when you know for sure what she said. Copy her text messages to your phone and make a copy of it. Then if she lied, show it to her.

If she starts that nonsense about privacy, then tell her she can have all the privacy she wants at her new residence and don't give her any wiggle room.


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## Hockeyfan (Apr 13, 2016)

6301 said:


> If you confront her do like a lawyer does, ask her questions that you already know the answers to without letting her know about you reading the texts.
> 
> Ask your questions and if she lies about it then if it was me, I would let her know that if she lied to you at all with her answers, then she's going to be looking for another place to live.
> 
> ...



So I told her and told her that I was worried about her relationship with him and told her the reason I was bringing it was that she had a sex dream and was moaning his name.she bought that one so I didn't have to reveal the texts I found 
Now I can monitor the phone and see what happens next
Any way she denied it and told me no no there is nothing going on 
And I asked her do you have any sexual attraction to him and she said no 
I did tell her if the roles were reveresed she would be freaking out and she agreed 
So I think I will monitor the fallout for the next few days 
Then drop the bombshell texts I have (took pics of them )

And see what she has to say to that one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do what are you going to actually do?
You're going to drop the "bombshell", then what? 

People react due to consequences.
Provide consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

sidney2718 said:


> I side with the exposure folks. She's not done anything (yet) to merit a divorce.
> 
> Let her know that you know what is going on. Others have explained this in some detail. But DO NOT tell her the source of your information---and she will try to wangle it out of you. If you tell her how you know, that source of information and all other obvious sources of information may vanish.
> 
> ...


Don't you consider intent more important than whether she has actually consumated her intent yet,Sidney?
What is the point of having a spouse who you must virtually force or cajole or scare or whatever into remainig loyal to you?
Doesn't that destroy one's self esteem knowing that is through no desire of her own that she refrains from cheating but rather from threats or coercion.
I have never understood this **** block concept. I would not want to feel that I was such chopped liver that I need to virtually force my wife not to reject me.
I feel confident enough in my ability or marketability,base on past experience,to know there are better options,womenI can relax around and not have to be ever vigilant re their loyalty.
Same with this Alpha Beta deal. If one is not of an Alpha bent,there are many women who love the Beta style.And,if they become dissatisfied with what you are at your core,jettison them and find another.
I think I am a Beta type,and I never had much problem with finding dates. My atleticism and job status may have helped in dating,but I am very laid back and non-aggressive. Yet on many occassions when I was young and still had my physicality,I was asked out by attractive women.
And,FWIW, many of my beta male friends were,when younger,physically capable of beating the crap out of so called Alpha males,but elected not to.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

you said in one of the text to her friend, she called him and she was mad that he did not call back.
so a VAR is key here get it in place.

by the way this friend of hers sounds like she is a toxic friend and she will have to go. at this point the friend might be worse then the OM for your marriage.

the OM is a coworker and she has denied having a crush so this is not going to stop.

*when you get more evidence* it might be time to contact the OM's girlfriend. although it does not sound like he is the pursuer.

having a second set of eyes will help you.

and when/if the time comes to contact OM's girlfriend DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT CONTACTING HER


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Hockeyfan said:


> Hi first post
> So my wife has made a new friend at work over the last 6 months
> And they have gotten to be friends outside of work.
> I have noticed for swipe now that my wife has the hots for him but recently my gut was telling me something
> ...


I don't normally take this route...but barring any kind of big elephant your not disclosing....Just have her served. 

That will tell you right where you stand. She will either wake up and drop this BS..or she will go all in on OM. 

Might as well just cut to the chase...at least she will know you have balls. Don't cry, beg, plead...tell her how much you want this to work out..Just serve her and go dark and observe.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Hockeyfan said:


> Thanks for the replies
> I think I will just confront her now (might wait till end of weekend as we have date night and dinner with friends the next night )
> I will just not let her know about the texts unless necessary
> These texts span a three month period
> ...


Do this only if you are ready to crash and burn.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Hockeyfan said:


> So I told her and told her that I was worried about her relationship with him and told her the reason I was bringing it was that she had a sex dream and was moaning his name.she bought that one so I didn't have to reveal the texts I found
> Now I can monitor the phone and see what happens next
> Any way she denied it and told me no no there is nothing going on
> And I asked her do you have any sexual attraction to him and she said no
> ...


Don't drag it out. Ask her if she has been texting him or about him. If she lies...at ALL. Stop talking and walk away...

then just have her served. Your only move is too look like such a bad-ass...she realizes that there is no scenario where she gets what she wants


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What does the OM and his GF think of the situation?

What about the children.

You wife is not 16 and she needs to act like an adult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Maxo said:


> I have no problem with your confronting.
> My question is why would someone want to stay in a marriage with someone who requires confrontation in order to be loyal?


I completely agree with you. The second I heard or read (in this case) that my wife was pining for some other guy and was looking for ways to get rid of me so she could pursue him, it would be over for me. I consider this a huge betrayal. It's bad enough that she feels this way but to share it and enjoy it with her girlfriend(s) is inexcusable. She's making a mockery of you and your marriage. To say I'd be pi$$ed is an understatement.

I'd go all fire and brimstone on her and kick her sorry @ss out of the house and then file. This does two things in my mind. First, it sends a very strong message that you will not tolerate such nonsense and be disrespected in this way. Secondly, it will likely send her into a state of shock and knock her back into reality.

What should happen, if she values you and the marriage, is a complete 180 on her part. She'll come to her senses and do everything in her power to pursue her husband and win him back. If she doesn't, then you have your answer. She's not worth keeping and fighting over.

It's a bit harsh, I admit, but it helps you bring this thing to a quick conclusion and lets you know exactly where you stand. Do you have a marriage and a wife who values you or not. You make the first decision and then determine if it's salvageable, if that's your preference, by how she responds. I wouldn't let this thing drag out a minute longer than the three months that it's already been going on.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

All you did was to make sure she hides stuff better and be more careful with the evidence


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Stay cool.
Eyes and ears open, mouth shut.
Let her either dig her own grave ... or ... come to her senses.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Hockeyfan said:


> So I told her and told her that I was worried about her relationship with him and told her the reason I was bringing it was that she had a sex dream and was moaning his name.she bought that one so I didn't have to reveal the texts I found
> Now I can monitor the phone and see what happens next
> Any way she denied it and told me no no there is nothing going on
> And I asked her do you have any sexual attraction to him and she said no
> ...


Now I'm the kind of guy that would say that I want her to end all contact with him immediately. She was not to be anywhere that he is without you being there.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Hopefully you have a var in place. 

You have learned that she has no issue lying to your face. What does that tell you? 

Best
Wd


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sad thing is, he's not going to file, he's scared to death he'll lose her, and she's going to be able to give him all kinds of hell until finally he does something or she files.

Few people have the strength to just file and send her down the road where she belongs. It doesn't sound like om is at all interested in wife.
So this is just really pitiful.

She sounds 16, as someone said.

You can't stay married to a mental 16 year old.

Papers served and don't even discuss this sh#* with her, or just get ready for a life of despair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> I don't normally take this route...but barring any kind of big elephant your not disclosing....Just have her served.
> 
> That will tell you right where you stand. She will either wake up and drop this BS..or she will go all in on OM.
> 
> Might as well just cut to the chase...at least she will know you have balls. Don't cry, beg, plead...tell her how much you want this to work out..Just serve her and go dark and observe.


This was going to be my advice.

Is it physical? maybe. Maybe not.
But you do know what's going on. She no longer respects you.

You see so many posts about gathering evidence. What more do you really need? She no longer respects you. She is chumming the waters for an affair. She is actively pursuing.

Why do you allow her to treat you like this?
Negative actions have consequences.
A consequence to her disrespect and active chasing an affair is to be hit with a divorce.

Don't be that guy that always has to skate up hill to make his life harder.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree with @Maxo. The intent is enough. Often affairs happen, without intent, e.g. spouse makes a friend at work, gets too friendly, it becomes an EA & finally a PA. 

The guy isn't an OM yet & doesn't even sound interested but I'll call him OM for brevity. 

However, W is already a WS, an enthusiastic one. She's *actively* on the hunt, the female equivalent of a 'player’, chasing OM. Agreed if she's confronted with the texts she'll say it was a joke. But, she also said she was pi$$ed because *OM didn't return her call* and went on to talk heaps about OM in later texts. Can't pass that off as a joke. Sheesh!

She has no respect for OP whatsoever. She made sure he wasn't at the party & *left OP home with the kids to chase OM*. Then, when OP unexpectedly goes to the next party by getting off work early, she texts her gf, 'it won't be as much fun is H is there'. Hard to pass that off as a joke too. She's dressing sexier & gets more intimate with OP after she sees OM? Ugh! This is a real nasty case. 

There's a trend on TAM atm with the focus on 'stopping it'. Whether BS stops this or not, he already has long years of R ahead if he does R. What OP needs to do now is figure out if he wants to live with WS for the rest of his life.

If it were me, it would take me a long time to forget being trashed like that by my spouse. In fact I wouldn't get over it. So I’d file & get rid of her sorry a$$ if I could. Who wants to be married to a player.

PS How many kids & how old OP?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hockeyfan said:


> Now I can monitor the phone and see what happens next
> Any way* she denied it and told me no no there is nothing going on *
> And* I asked her do you have any sexual attraction to him and she said no *
> I did tell her if the roles were reveresed she would be freaking out and she agreed
> ...


She is absolutely lying. She might not be physical with coworker but she definitely is emotionally attached. I have been there. It will be tough for her to get over this guy. Yes, she is sexually attracted to him.

This is a tough one. If this is "just" EA at this point, this can be fixed and marriage is salvageable if she is remorseful. If this goes PA, fixing the marriage will be much harder.

Speaking as an EA wayward, do not rug sweep this. OP, you need to go all in and tell her this is MARRIAGE BUSTING. Unless she can see that, this will only get worse.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

********** said:


> I agree with @Maxo. The intent is enough. Often affairs happen, without intent, e.g. spouse makes a friend at work, gets too friendly, it becomes an EA & finally a PA.
> 
> The guy isn't an OM yet & doesn't even sound interested but I'll call him OM for brevity.
> 
> ...


Yes, the trend is disturbing re halting the affair vs really taking a look at the character of the person one married. I also hate the concept that one has to transform his personality to be an "Alpha". This stuff from Athol Kay, who looks to be about a 4 in terms of sex rank from a physical standpoint as does his spouse, seems to be misguided.
Yes, I am sure Athol has tons of sex, but let's not forget his wife is in the 3-4 range from a physical attractiveness standpoint, IMO.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You do not have sex-dream about someone you are not sexually attracted to. If she bought the sex-dream idea that she was moaning his name in her sleep, and then said she is not attracted to him - she is lying to you. If she is telling girlfriend that she is so happy that you do not attend a gathering that he will be attending, that is more than bad. She wants time with him alone. She is choosing him over you. Her intention is to have a PA if he is willing.

I can deal with my wife finding another man attractive. Hell, I can appreciate other women and how they look. But actively seeking time alone with OM is crossing the line. The intention to have a PA is real if the opportunity develops. That's what you have to decide if you can live with. I could not.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Maxo said:


> What is the point of having a spouse who you must virtually force or cajole or scare or whatever into remainig loyal to you?


A profoundly accurate statement. And if it works at all, it only a limited amount of time.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*You do not have sex-dream about someone you are not sexually attracted to. If she bought the sex-dream idea that she was moaning his name in her sleep, and then said she is not attracted to him - she is lying to you. If she is telling girlfriend that she is so happy that you do not attend a gathering that he will be attending, that is more than bad. She wants time with him alone. She is choosing him over you. Her intention is to have a PA if he is willing.

I can deal with my wife finding another man attractive. Hell, I can appreciate other women and how they look. But actively seeking time alone with OM is crossing the line. The intention to have a PA is real if the opportunity develops. That's what you have to decide if you can live with. I could not.*

I am not expert on "dreams" ,but the rest of this is a PA just waiting for the opportunity to happen. And she obviously has "girlfriends" who will gladly help her make it happen. All she needs is a little cooperation from her co worker guy, which she will get when she becomes even more overt in **** teasing him live and in person.

You need to play some immediate hardball, and she may be needing to find another job or another husband.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hockeyfan said:


> So I told her and told her that I was worried about her relationship with him and told her the reason I was bringing it was that she had a sex dream and was moaning his name.she bought that one so I didn't have to reveal the texts I found
> Now I can monitor the phone and see what happens next
> Any way she denied it and told me no no there is nothing going on
> And I asked her do you have any sexual attraction to him and she said no
> ...



I betting there is going to be a lot of chatter between W and her girlfriend. Let it develop and see what is said. What dialog you read might provide the ultimate answer to the question of wanting to continue on with this marriage.

Whatever the case, we are here for you!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hockeyfan said:


> So I told her and told her that I was worried about her relationship with him and told her the reason I was bringing it was that she had a sex dream and was moaning his name.she bought that one so I didn't have to reveal the texts I found
> Now I can monitor the phone and see what happens next
> Any way she denied it and told me no no there is nothing going on
> And I asked her do you have any sexual attraction to him and she said no
> ...


Way too soft, man. 

If you're going to confront, then confront. 

You just lost the first battle. All she is doing is formulating a response, likely with support from her girlfriends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Hockeyfan said:


> Now I can monitor the phone and see what happens next


It’s smart to have monitoring methods in place before you kick the ant nest.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Hockeyfan said:


> So I told her and told her that I was worried about her relationship with him


Incredibly weak bro.... You're not worried, you're OUTRAGED. You have dignity. This is BVLLSH!T and you will not tolerate it. You need to have a ZERO tolerance policy on this. She's going to DENY, BLAMESHIFT, MINIMIZE the whole thing. You need to come at her like a sack of bricks. Alpha up on this, she should be petrified that she's about to get her ass DUMPED. If you play nicey nicey you will be CRUSHED. 

Do these steps NOW if you want to SAVE this:

1) DO NOT EVER reveal your sources. EVER. EVER. DON'T. I don't care if she wants proof. YOU KNOW she a cheat. Tell her that and it's none of her business how you know. If you tell her your methods she will GO UNDERGROUND. DON'T tell her you can see the texts. EVER.

2) Don't waffle around or beat around the bush. LOOK HER DEAD in the eye and issue the ultimatum. "YOU GO NO CONTACT from this point forward and if you violate that I WILL DIVORCE YOU." It's not even up for debate if she's doing anything wrong. Don't let her pretend like it is or she can convince you otherwise. SHE'S IN AN EA.

3) Google your local courthouse and print up divorce papers. Give her the name of an attorney you have contacted. Tell her to put in her resignation immediately. She's quitting this job. It's TOXIC. You do this to prove YOU MEAN BUSINESS. This is not a negotiation. This is THE WAY it is. Mentally prepare to FOLLOW through.

Accept that you may lose this relationship. Accept that she may violate no contact. Accept that YOU WILL FILE FOR DIVORCE. MAKE her believe that as serious as a heart attack. If she gives a sh!t she will comply. If she's checked out then it's TOO LATE anyway. Checked out women don't come back and it's time to move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Incredibly weak bro.... You're not worried, you're OUTRAGED. You have dignity. This is BVLLSH!T and you will not tolerate it. You need to have a ZERO tolerance policy on this. She's going to DENY, BLAMESHIFT, MINIMIZE the whole thing. You need to come at her like a sack of bricks. Alpha up on this, she should be petrified that she's about to get her ass DUMPED. If you play nicey nicey you will be CRUSHED.
> 
> Do these steps NOW if you want to SAVE this:
> 
> ...


Her enabling friend has to go as well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What women want to see from their husband when they're cheating (assuming they're not just 'gone' and may want to save the marriage) is this:

I will NOT SHARE my wife and if you don't come to that realization immediately and end ALL CONTACT with this bozo, I will consider you a lost cause and see a lawyer. You get one chance, right now, right here. Which is it going to be - me or him?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Her enabling friend has to go as well.


100% agree.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> What women want to see from their husband when they're cheating (assuming they're not just 'gone' and may want to save the marriage) is this:
> 
> I will NOT SHARE my wife and if you don't come to that realization immediately and end ALL CONTACT with this bozo, I will consider you a lost cause and see a lawyer. You get one chance, right now, right here. Which is it going to be - me or him?


See and to me, any woman who needs to hear this is a lost cause.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here is what I recommend.
Tonight, ask your wife if she wants to stay married to you. If she says yes, ask her if she is 100% committed and sure. If she says yes, then tell her you are not sharing her heart. Tell her that she has to quit her job as a condition of staying married. Act like a cop and this is all take it or leave it. Not a conversation or an argument.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Pick me.............:surprise:


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend you made your life even harder now. 

Your wife is going to play you and she will convince you this is all your fault. After that she will ask for "some time" and then you are gone.

Please tell me you didnt take her out to diner and you are not taking her out with friends !!! 
She is still working with this man,she is still talking with her "friends" and laughing at you behind your back.

If you dont respect yourself then noone is going to.

You have to realize your wife is gone and if you want to save this marriage then be ready to lose it. She is only your roommate right now and nothing more.

Stay strong.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> See and to me, any woman who needs to hear this is a lost cause.


Exactly. If you need coercion,she is not worth it.


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

turnera said:


> What women want to see from their husband when they're cheating (assuming they're not just 'gone' and may want to save the marriage) is this:
> 
> I will NOT SHARE my wife and if you don't come to that realization immediately and end ALL CONTACT with this bozo, I will consider you a lost cause and see a lawyer. You get one chance, right now, right here. Which is it going to be - me or him?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

To put it more succinctly, you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. If you cannot develop this mindset, a whole world of pain and suffering will be yours.

Peace and strength my friend.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hockeyfan said:


> So I told her and told her that I was worried about her relationship with him and told her the reason I was bringing it was that she had a sex dream and was moaning his name.she bought that one so I didn't have to reveal the texts I found
> Now I can monitor the phone and see what happens next
> Any way she denied it and told me no no there is nothing going on
> And I asked her do you have any sexual attraction to him and she said no
> ...


The bolded part above really pi$$e$ me off! What's with cheaters? 

I think it's too early to confront so soon again as you have alerted her. I'd gather more intel & keep it going e.g. VAR in her car. Say nothing more about it & act normal. If she hangs herself so be it. It's been going on for 3 months so OM probably isn't even interested, which doesn't change anything about your situation. 

I'd file. If it's too expensive, prepare divorce papers yourself, fake ones by grabbing some from the net if necessary. Fill them in yourself & say you have dropped a copy of them to your lawyer. 

When you have more intel, or even if you don't actually, I'd slap the D papers on the table & say, 'They're divorce papers'. If she asks why, just say, 'Actually, the ball's in your court. I'm all ears'.

If she lies, listen & say nothing. Get up & start the 180. Go about your business. 
If she tells the truth, listen & say nothing. Get up & start the 180. Go about your business. 

You've done the confront. The rest is up to her. Make her sweat. 

Say nothing either way because you will need time to process it & decide what to do next. There's no rush. It's been going on for 3 months, as far as you know. Keep the intel going, VAR etc. 

OP, it must be so hard to do this. I can't tell you how much I wish I had but I didn't know about TAM back then. 

You have nothing to lose. It will give you your power back.

Thoughts posters?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@86857, you get my vote on this path... (post #69)

Consequences are part of the Karma bus... unfortunately, one earn's them.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I really don't think you need anything more to confront her.

You have more than enough to know what her feelings for you vs OM are at this time.

I would have divorce papers ready, give them to her and then tell her you KNOW she has the hots for OM and is actively chasing him. DO NOT TELL HER HOW YOU FOUND OUT.

Tell her she has one chance to tell you the truth about him and how she feels about you and the marriage. Tell her any chance of staying married depends on her. Let her know you are willing to divorce right now because you will not stay in a marriage where your wife is actively looking for an affair. Let her know that if she wants OM or any other man, you will give her what she wants.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It sounds so crazy to hand her papers, doesn't it?
How does it sound that your wife is actually CHASING a young stud for sex? Crazy right? 

You have to fight crazy with crazy.
Hand her the papers, tell her you want a divorce, and see what happens. 50/50 chance on what she does. 100% chance right now that you have an unfaithful, lousy, heartless, selfish, narcissistic wife.

And 100% chance that you SHOULD divorce her. She'd have to be bursting at the seams with remorse for me to stay, now that I see how this works from my own experience.
You probably think mine is really different from yours. You're wrong. The mindset they have is the same.

You should divorce. Your wife doesn't love you. It's not your fault, it's just reality. Accept it, or let it break you.
You can overcome this. Others have. You can, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> It sounds so crazy to hand her papers, doesn't it?
> How does it sound that your wife is actually CHASING a young stud for sex? Crazy right?
> 
> You have to fight crazy with crazy.
> ...


You are ignoring pretty solid advice. You cannot nice them back. You have to be bold in your actions. Divorce papers get their attention. Trust me. Do not be a damn doormat. Right now you are letting her lead. Man up, lay it on the table and tell her if she wants out to get the **** out and do not let the door hit you in the ass on they way out.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

marduk said:


> Then sit your wife down and say something like:
> "Wife, you and I have to talk. I want you to just listen while I get this out. I know you are attracted to X. To the point that you're openly making comments to your friends about him, and would rather me not be at events that X is at so I won't 'spoil your fun.'


I think this is great advice, but I'd paraphrase/change things up enough to throw her off the idea that it came from her texts. Leave some text details out or thrown in a bluff that's not in the texts. If someone said "I know xyz" the first thing I would suspect is they looked at my texts/email or listened in on my phone calls. And then I'd be more careful.

(I assume, I've never cheated so I can't be sure...)

Also, get some spywear and voice activated recorder and gps going before you confront her.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

turnera said:


> What women want to see from their husband when they're cheating (assuming they're not just 'gone' and may want to save the marriage) is this:
> 
> I will NOT SHARE my wife and if you don't come to that realization immediately and end ALL CONTACT with this bozo, I will consider you a lost cause and see a lawyer. You get one chance, right now, right here. Which is it going to be - me or him?



turnera - I love your spunk in this response and while this may be what a woman wants or needs to hear, I'm still wondering what it is that the husband in this scenario wins.

The woman often is referred to as "the prize", and most women are but if your spouse is openly pursuing others, is she really a prize at all? I would say "no". 

So while your tact and candor is much appreciated, I'm not sure there would be much to gain for the husband. Asking or demanding that the wife pick is redundant when the choice had already been made when they married. The fact that the wife apparently still needs to be reminded of that choice is more than worrisome.

Honestly, if I were in this situation, I'd just let my wife go and divorce her. If I found in the aftermath that she was contrite and really wanted me back to try again, I'd consider dating her down the line. To me, what makes a marriage relationship so special is not that you're committed to one another or that you've shared a lot of history or that you have kids together, it's that you both desire, love and choose one another. Take that away and you really don't have anything left in my opinion.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

********** said:


> The bolded part above really pi$$e$ me off! What's with cheaters?
> 
> I think it's too early to confront so soon again as you have alerted her. I'd gather more intel & keep it going e.g. VAR in her car. Say nothing more about it & act normal. If she hangs herself so be it. It's been going on for 3 months so OM probably isn't even interested, which doesn't change anything about your situation.
> 
> ...


I like this Moonshot


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

turnera said:


> What women want to see from their husband when they're cheating (assuming they're not just 'gone' and may want to save the marriage) is this:
> 
> I will NOT SHARE my wife and if you don't come to that realization immediately and end ALL CONTACT with this bozo, I will consider you a lost cause and see a lawyer. You get one chance, right now, right here. Which is it going to be - me or him?


What woman that is cheating is not gone? She exited the marriage by cheating.
And,what self respecting man cares what she wants?


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Hicks said:


> Here is what I recommend.
> Tonight, ask your wife if she wants to stay married to you. If she says yes, ask her if she is 100% committed and sure. If she says yes, then tell her you are not sharing her heart. Tell her that she has to quit her job as a condition of staying married. Act like a cop and this is all take it or leave it. Not a conversation or an argument.



A nd then, put a gun to her head anx tell her to stop cheating. Then spend all your spre time monitoring her and watching her like a hawk for the rest of your life. This should prove relaxing and you can enjoy your remaining days in wedded bliss.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> I really don't think you need anything more to confront her.
> 
> You have more than enough to know what her feelings for you vs OM are at this time.
> 
> ...


Well, he already knows how she feels about him and the marriage. So, why ask her?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Maxo said:


> Well, he already knows how she feels about him and the marriage. So, why ask her?


 +1

Is the mindset with the suggestions of a softish (NO CONSEQUENCE) confront that she needs a boundary adjustment and this would be her warning/ free pass of this ever happening again? I'm doubtful that would work, but everyone is different. I'm of many other's mindset that you need a full frontal assault with evidence and consequences ready to go. For me, knowing what she said ,"in her words" disparaging me would be something I'd have a VERY hard time getting over. The question of what she has said about me in person to others would eat me alive, and leave me no choice but to give her the boot, and see, later, if there was enough remorse possible to let her back into my life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maxo said:


> What woman that is cheating is not gone? She exited the marriage by cheating.
> And,what self respecting man cares what she wants?


And, what self-respecting man cares what she wants?

Thank you @Maxo

You can parse this sixty ways to Sunday, re-arrange the words and the meaning all you want....until you fall exhausted on the floor.

*Actions, not words carry clout, have heft, have import, not words..not thoughts. Words and thoughts are impetus to said actions...nothing more. Sharp words cut, actions slice to the bone.
*

Think physics; a moving mass hits a stationary mass, now both are in motion. One's thought, even an evil thought, did not cause this interplay, the actual motion. It will be the initiator's hands and body motion that is reality. The thought is *potential for action*, nothing else.

Your wife's thoughts are repugnant. Thoughts are reformable with proper counseling. Chasing after a man with the intent to take him to Californification is action. She energized her peter seeker and lowered her mind to shoulder height and charged gleefully forward. 

She is not marriage material. She has left the marriage. Why are you still here with her Phantom. 

I know, when a man gets his arm lopped off in an accident, it takes weeks if not years for the mind to finally realize that his right arm has been taken from him; reallocated by forces beyond his conscious control. In the case of the arm, it has been returned to the soil, to dust. 

In the case of the WW WAW they have left dust-bunnies under your bed.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> I like this Moonshot


********** I meant. Damn me !!!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Any further developments, Hockeyfan? 
I would expect she had to communicate your concern with some of her toxic friends or the OM.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Whats up @Hockeyfan ?

Take care of yourself. Do nothing rash. People here really do wish you well and for you to get the best outcome possible. Talking to others when you are in a situation like this is very important...you are so close to the problem -it is very difficult to make objective decisions.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If his wife did and said what he described, there's no decision worth making other than to hand her papers.
She wanted him missing in action so she could make her move on the other man. There is nothing loving about this relationship from his wife's end.

He's going to do nothing. He didn't even confront her. When he does confront, I worry he is going to be all wishy washy and let her discount it all, blameshift, make light of it, etc.
That's why he needs to absolutely force himself to get a lawyer and hand her papers. The PAPERS will say all that needs to be said. He won't have to do anything but hand them to her and walk away.
She knows what she has done and how she feels.

Anything else he does is just going to embolden her and repulse her by his weakness.

OP knows that he needs to divorce, because it's obvious that she cares nothing for him. He can do it on his terms without groveling and pleading and crying and letting her steal his dignity, or he can treat her like a man should-- by giving her walking papers and telling her she can have her little guy at work if he'll break up with his girlfriend and actually give her the time of day.

She's just a cheater wanna be. Eventually she'll find a man that will reciprocate her desire and she'll be a real cheater. Does OP want to waste his life waiting for that when he could be investing his time with a worthy woman down the road?

There's no jump to a rash decision. The decision is obvious. But he likely won't jump. I didn't. I'm wishing I had, and he will eventually wish he had also. Just trying to save you a mountain of pain, OP.

Remember, the papers never have to be filed. They just need to be HANDED TO HER.
DO IT. PLEASE. For the sake of your dignity and sanity.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi hockey, 

Telling her about talking in her sleep was perhaps the slickest move I've read. Stay the course and pile up the information for the next several weeks. Please confirm you have access to her phone and email accounts but she doesn't known that. 

Use this time to review the divorce laws in your state and develop a plan for post divorce life. You might want to save the marriage but it takes two. There is no excuss for you now not to be prepared for divorce. 

Continue to with draw gently and change some of your habits. When and if she says "this is about that dream" deny it like she denied wanting her OM. Start this weekend by excluding her from your plans. 

Here is a list of classic red flags for a WW. How many of them fit your wife? Have you noticed a decress in intimacy? 

Red flags*

Sex life dropped off noticeably
Passwords on phone and computer
Much more time on line...fakebook.
More GNOs...staying out later.
Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.
Less communication.
Staying up late on computer.
Dressing more provocative
More shopping-spending...clothes.
3 hour groceries shopping trips
Gasoline use and mileage went up
Generally disconnected from family.
New friends that I wasn't introduced to
Cell/text usage went up...way up.
New hair style and attention to makeup
Started exercising more.
Secretive about whereabouts during contact
She would become annoyed easily with me.
Household responsibilities dropped way off.
ecame more forgetful in general
A noticable distancing from her family.
Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.


I would listen very carefully to @marduk comments. You might want to ask him the best way to mirror her behavior. If I am not mistaken he has dealt with this twice in some form or another (may or may not have been an actual guy) The second time he shut it down and save his marriage.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What I would do to mirror her behaviour:

Suddenly start working out, dressing better, and casually mentioning how cool this woman at work is. 

Then start disinviting her to work events, be gone to them late, be on your phone all the time. 

Honestly. All it took to disrupt months of my wife being gone all the time was to start going out with my buddies as much as she did. If she was out 3x a week, I'd be out 3x a week. If she went to a co-Ed thing without me, I'd go to a co-Ed thing without her. 

After months of discussing it, nothing happened except she thought I was insecure and holding her back. 

After 3 weeks of doing what she did with a smile on my face, she wanted to talk about our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

marduk said:


> What I would do to mirror her behaviour:
> 
> Suddenly start working out, dressing better, and casually mentioning how cool this woman at work is.
> 
> ...


This really is a good way to deal with this. I personally think a better approach is divorce papers. Why spend another moment with someone who will act this shady and disrespectful. 

So many people get caught up in they have to save the marriage. No you do not. You have to save you. The marriage is nothing if the two people in it are not whole and complete. She is no longer in it and I would show her what that is like. 

Just my two cents. 

C


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

In your case perhaps expanding current interest might work best, especially if it involves activities without her. 

If you deciede to throw out a "woman at work" provide details in such away that her actions build up and then leave only an impression you are her target. Taking this action is a long term play, up you up for it? 

You have damn good reasons to divorce at this point. It might be best for you to sound the week-end looking for a place and then move out. There are thousands of solid valid reasons to divorce, none for her actions. Yes people do fall into an EA without realizing it all the time. It is what they do about these feelings that defines who they are. So, her actions here does not show the character you need to be married. These actions are on her. What your reaction is to her actions are on you. 

I don't believe you mentioned if you own a home, or have children. Please clarify because if either of these case is true, you will want to modify your actions if divorce is your choice.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @Clay2013

The biggest mistake I see BS make is not having a solid "I am out of here" plan no WS is unaware of. This incudes: 

Knowing custody and divorce laws of where they live. 
Using ther knowledge of custody to maximize their custody.
Having a realistic idea of how assets are to be divided. 
Having a bank account, credit cards, etc in place. 
Know where they will live. 

These are off the top of my head. There are two active threads that the BS dug in and did these steps before DDay. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/319202-ive-been-played.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/320049-i-dont-know-what-would-right-title.html


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Hi @Clay2013
> 
> The biggest mistake I see BS make is not having a solid "I am out of here" plan no WS is unaware of. This incudes:
> 
> ...


I agree with everything you wrote. Those are all very important pieces. They mean absolutely nothing if the BS is not willing to use them or follow through on the threat of divorce. This is why a decision has to be made first. If a BS is unwilling to hold the WS accountable for there actions then gathering all that info is useless. I stayed with a serial cheater for ten years. I work around all kind of professionals and knew very well what I was up against. I would like to say I have a thousand reasons why I never held my xW accountable but I just didn't. It wasn't until I was ready to say NO MORE that all that information became useful. Once a person is ready to put a stop to this there is not much they can't deal with. 

OP just needs to find where his line is and then decide what direction he wants to go in. 

C


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I honestly don't think one is better than the other, I think they are both situational. Marduk was at an impasse with his wife. She didn't see her behavior as hurtful, until she realized he had different priorities. I don't know if divorce papers were right in his circumstances. Well, I do and don't, but this isn't his thread.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> ********** I meant. Damn me !!!


You may fool her....but not me, Herr Freud!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Maxo said:


> Don't you consider intent more important than whether she has actually consumated her intent yet,Sidney?
> What is the point of having a spouse who you must virtually force or cajole or scare or whatever into remainig loyal to you?
> Doesn't that destroy one's self esteem knowing that is through no desire of her own that she refrains from cheating but rather from threats or coercion.
> I have never understood this **** block concept. I would not want to feel that I was such chopped liver that I need to virtually force my wife not to reject me.
> ...


Intent is very hard to prove. Very hard. It is easy to deny no matter what copies of what you have.

Further, I agree about the alphas and the betas. Those categories only exist in the minds of men. Neanderthals were alpha males. So was the Marquis de Sade and so are those men that kidnap young women to use for sex. Being willing to beat the crap out of the other person involved in an affair with a wandering spouse is alpha behavior too. It also often comes with a jail term.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> I completely agree with you. The second I heard or read (in this case) that my wife was pining for some other guy and was looking for ways to get rid of me so she could pursue him, it would be over for me. I consider this a huge betrayal. It's bad enough that she feels this way but to share it and enjoy it with her girlfriend(s) is inexcusable. She's making a mockery of you and your marriage. To say I'd be pi$$ed is an understatement.
> 
> I'd go all fire and brimstone on her and kick her sorry @ss out of the house and then file. This does two things in my mind. First, it sends a very strong message that you will not tolerate such nonsense and be disrespected in this way. Secondly, it will likely send her into a state of shock and knock her back into reality.
> 
> ...


Come on folks. Please stop recommending that one kick a wandering spouse out of the house. One MUST contact a lawyer first. It is illegal in most states, especially if the house is co-owned or co-rented.

So kicking someone out may result in police intervention and screw up any hoped-for divorce settlement.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Full disclosure: I've not read through the entirety of the thread.

With that said, I'll now say this --
@Hockeyfan, save yourself a ton of time and grief and follow whatever advice @marduk gives you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

sidney2718 said:


> Intent is very hard to prove. Very hard. It is easy to deny no matter what copies of what you have.
> 
> Further, I agree about the alphas and the betas. Those categories only exist in the minds of men. Neanderthals were alpha males. So was the Marquis de Sade and so are those men that kidnap young women to use for sex. Being willing to beat the crap out of the other person involved in an affair with a wandering spouse is alpha behavior too. It also often comes with a jail term.


No,intent is fairly easy to establish.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Come on folks. Please stop recommending that one kick a wandering spouse out of the house. One MUST contact a lawyer first. It is illegal in most states, especially if the house is co-owned or co-rented.
> 
> So kicking someone out may result in police intervention and screw up any hoped-for divorce settlement.


There is nothing illegal about telling someone to leave. Don't get physical, don't threaten, just calmly say "I want you to leave" or "you should go stay somewhere else" or something like that. It might be enough. The wayward might go. If not, you haven't lost anything.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> There is nothing illegal about telling someone to leave. Don't get physical, don't threaten, just calmly say "I want you to leave" or "you should go stay somewhere else" or something like that. It might be enough. The wayward might go. If not, you haven't lost anything.


I would also request the cheater eat shiit. Nothing wrong with asking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maxo said:


> What woman that is cheating is not gone? She exited the marriage by cheating.
> And,what self respecting man cares what she wants?


Sometimes striking a manly pose works.

Sometimes roaring at the top of your lungs works. 

And sometimes? Not so much.

One size does not fit all.

Mileage will vary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@Hockeyfn seems to have disappeared. You OK Hockeyfan?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Where did Hockeyman go? 

Is he out playing hockey? Is he out slapping the puck out of the OM? 

Not very nice to invite us all to this party and then leave ten minutes into it....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Where did Hockeyman go?
> 
> Is he out playing hockey? Is he out slapping the puck out of the OM?
> 
> Not very nice to invite us all to this party and then leave ten minutes into it....


Maybe he is in the penalty box? :scratchhead:

Hope he hasn't kicked OM in *his* penalty box.

Unless, of course, he is into Field Hockey?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maxo said:


> No,intent is fairly easy to establish.


I agree, intent is very easy to prove in this post. He has her words {messages} and her actions {trying to connect with OM}.

An Open... Shut case

The fact that she can deny is moot.. to boot. 

Cheaters deny. What else can they do, ad-hoc....and while on the hot-spot that they have now found themselves on?

Some break down and fess-up. Not usually so, on the first go-around {they do the rope-a-dope} with poor BS.

And some just say, we need to separate, without admitting crap-ola.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Hockeyfan ,
Any further developments? I hope the lack of updates is good news on your part.


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

Elvis has left the building (?)


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## Hockeyfan (Apr 13, 2016)

Sorry. For being M.i.a

Things went good so far 
Will post more when I have time 
Thank you for the help so far
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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