# don't know how to decide to leave



## kerri (Jun 11, 2010)

I have never posted a message online before but I feel like I really need to talk. I don't talk to friends and family about marriage problems because I don't want to cause a strain in my husband's relationships with them especially if I end up staying with him.

I believe that I should get a divorce but I cannot bring myself to go through with it - I have felt this way for 3 years. I have been married 8 years, no kids. My husband will never divorce me because he "made a vow" - which sounds good initially but is emotionally unsatisfying, especially when it is his answer to "do you still love me" or "do you even want to be together anymore". 

I don't feel like I have the ability to make a good decision or any decision anymore-after all I decided to marry him and that hasn't exactly worked out. He is critical, always focuses on my faults, never recognizes my efforts, is not interested in sex, and is never happy. I try to talk about my feelings but after about 5 minutes of conversation about me, he will talk for 2-3 hours about himself- and get mad at me for ending the conversation (usually after several hours and because I just need a little sleep before work) or because I always say the same things, or I am just listening attentively and letting him vent. Either way it is the wrong thing. 

I feel guilty that he is so unhappy. He always talks about his life before me as this great time, and I feel that I ruined his life by marrying him. Not that I forced him to propose or anything. Then he gave up a good job so we could move for my career. I thought that the move would be a great chance to start over, but it has made everything worse. And now I feel so guilty that I can never leave.


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## soni (Jun 9, 2010)

anyway u didnt force him to leave his job...it was all done to bring good..though everytime expectations may not come true..this is what we call life..
did u ever give him hint that u r feeling him to leave...this realisation may itself bring some change in his behaviour...
another important thing...do u love him (not asking whether u r in love with him or not)...deep down ur heart whats ur feeling...


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## cubsfan (Jun 11, 2010)

I can relate. I dont know what to do anymore either. My situation is really complex but right along the same lines as yours. No love for me whatever. NO SEX. No compassion. No intimacy. And can find fault with anything I do. But we have a four year old and I really hate for us to break his heart again. I say again because we have been divorced before and back together now. I can tell you, IT DOES NOT GET ANY BETTER! There can be times when it seems like it does but at the end of the day it's the same old tune. I don't believe you can get the "love back". I'm just like u, this is my first post and I don't have anybody to talk to either. It makes me better to just write this stuff. I know I would leave if it wasn't for my child. Although, I don't believe in divorce, it has happened to me. I don't know any details on pregnacy about you. But, just stop and think, what if you get pregnant? It really magnifies the guilty feeling and there is someone more important than you two that will be affected by this decision. I would try to make my marriage work, but get out of the fire before it gets to hot. I hope this helps. I know it's tough.


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

I am in about the same situation. Married 9 years, no kids. My husband is genuinely a nice guy but I have changed a lot in the last 9 years and he hasn't. I'm no longer ok with sitting around the house watching TV and talking about the dogs.

I went through a major depression that lasted for about 8 years. So to say that I've changed is an understatement. Instead of being asleep for 20 hours a day I am now working again full-time and I want to experience all that life has to offer instead of watching from the sidelines. He has always been a very low-key person and doesn't really understand that I need more from life.

I have tried to get him to join me in activities but even when he goes along he is grumbling and complaining the whole time and ruins my fun. He doesn't seem to understand that his pessimistic outlook is hard to live with. 

The only thing we really fight about is politics. Our original policy of agreeing to disagree seems to have been run off the rails with the last presidential election. He has become a rabid conservative who makes disrespectful remarks whenever someone disagrees with him.

I feel guilty for being selfish. Part of me feels like I owe him for taking care of me when I was at my lowest. I also know that over all those years there were times when the fog of depression started to lift and as I saw what my life had become I ran back to the fog instead of addressing the problems with our relationship. I am grateful that he gave me the time I needed to recover but I can't help but wonder if that recovery wouldn't have come earlier if he had expected more from me.

I think I have made my decision and I will be leaving. The current issue is that he has been unemployed for almost 2 years and I can't leave him with no financial support. So for now I'm stuck living a life that is less than I want for myself as I hope every day that he finds a job soon.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

After 8 years, it's easy to feel like you no longer love each other. Marriage takes work. I assume he wasn't this critical when you married him, right? Then he probably is just as dissatisfied as you are. But that can be fixed, if you're willing to put some effort into it.

Get the book His Needs Her Needs. Read it. Implement the 'plan' in it. Get more info at marriagebuilders.com on how to do that. 

If you have an unhappy, unresponsive spouse, you CAN improve the marriage by yourself, so much so that he in turn responds and starts to have feelings for you again, too. But it will have to start with you doing the heavy lifting for a few months.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

kerri said:


> I have never posted a message online before but I feel like I really need to talk. I don't talk to friends and family about marriage problems because I don't want to cause a strain in my husband's relationships with them especially if I end up staying with him.
> 
> I believe that I should get a divorce but I cannot bring myself to go through with it - I have felt this way for 3 years. I have been married 8 years, no kids. My husband will never divorce me because he "made a vow" - which sounds good initially but is emotionally unsatisfying, especially when it is his answer to "do you still love me" or "do you even want to be together anymore".
> 
> ...


well I think you should try marriage counselling before making any major decison if you really want to make your marriage work .

Best of luck


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

stalemate said:


> I am in about the same situation. Married 9 years, no kids. My husband is genuinely a nice guy but I have changed a lot in the last 9 years and he hasn't. I'm no longer ok with sitting around the house watching TV and talking about the dogs.
> 
> I went through a major depression that lasted for about 8 years. So to say that I've changed is an understatement. Instead of being asleep for 20 hours a day I am now working again full-time and I want to experience all that life has to offer instead of watching from the sidelines. He has always been a very low-key person and doesn't really understand that I need more from life.
> 
> ...


ok so you recovered after 9 yrs ,& then you realize that your husband is not up to your standards ?

I think if you have made your decison It is not right to stay with him just because he is unemployed .
He stayed with you when you were at lowest because he wanted to , and not because he was stuck or felt guilty about leaving you .
Dont you think he will get a job at least good enough to support himself when you leave him ? He definately will . This is better than staying with him , waiting for his job , feeling stuck & resenting him for tying you down to a life that you dont want . 

So , I really dont think you are being selfish if you want to leave . Finally If you have made up your mind to leave do you think it will matter to him weather you leave him when he is unemployed or has a job ? He will have to live that .

Best of luck


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## soni (Jun 9, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> ok so you recovered after 9 yrs ,& then you realize that your husband is not up to your standards ?
> 
> I think if you have made your decison It is not right to stay with him just because he is unemployed .
> He stayed with you when you were at lowest because he wanted to , and not because he was stuck or felt guilty about leaving you .
> ...


:iagree:also i would like to draw attention to sacond response also in which she said that divorce may also not help.....i think its the communication gap which spoils the relation...before taking any big decision one should atleast understand the situation fully well.........one must understand his/her own psychology along with his/her spouse's. i will strongly recommend some books to be read before deciding...like 5 languages of love, i love you but i m not in love with you....an informed decision is always better..


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