# I'm not overreacting, right?



## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

my husband and I have been through a lot in 16 years of marriage. 6 years ago, he cheated and I moved out. We went to therapy and decided to give our marriage another chance. In my gut, I don't think I ever fully trusted him again. Just recently, though everything _seems _fine, I just had a feeling that he was up to something. He's been using Facebook chat almost nonstop, and when I peeked at his phone, all the chats are deleted. He got a new phone last week, and he didn't realize that if he didn't log out of Facebook on his old device, it still works on wi-fi. I know the relationship is over when it comes to this level of snooping, but I also know that when I confront him with these chats and tell him I want a divorce, he's going to whine, lie, and gaslight me, claiming I'm overreacting to "flirty jokes". The things I read were not jokes at all, but I would like to have some impartial opinions. Here's what I saw:


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Wow. That is beyond disgusting.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Well, that is full blown cheating. 
I would think that would be the end if you have a strict monogamous code and no tolerance for cheating.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm so sorry. Yeah, that is not someone I would trust. Because of my history with cheating XH that would be the end for me if I read something like that from a partner.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Keep copies of those texts you have -- store them off your phone someplace (or a couple of places) so that he can't deny what he said.
He is back to cheating -- this is NOT what a married person should be doing.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg I'm so sorry OP.

That is just disgusting.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Not sure how anyone could be impartial, as it's pretty clear that your husband is a thirsty dog!

As sexual flirting goes, this example is pretty poor. Your husband is pushing for her to respond, but she isn't really into it, ir has poor conversation skills.
He does say 'humour me' and appears to be looking for a sexual conversation to get off on, at this point.

Do you know her? He seems to know her from his past. Is it the woman he had an affair with 6 years ago?

No indication from the screen shots that they have met up yet, or plan to. He did ask her if he would do though.
So keep watching the chats, whilst you look into the divorce. Get a head start on him.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

you have to DTMFA him. 

Get your ducks lined up, you don't even need to show this to him now. Stay empowered and walk from this, there is no possible come back but he will most likely try to mess with your head. When you are ready, then email him this. You don't need to even discuss it. I walked from something similar. I can't even believe I tried to hang on to what I had now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just carry on keeping copies of all of the messages and see a lawyer. I wouldn't even tell him you are gong to end the marriage but just get on with it and have those divorce papers served. He may or may not have actually physically cheated yet with this lady but he clearly wants to, but either way he is still cheating. 
You dont mention children but do you have any?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Yep... he’s at least trying to cheat with someone he knows from his past.

when my exH got me to forgive him the first time he cheated (that I know of) I told him if he ever did it again I would end the marriage without any conversation. And that’s what I did

Poof - our 27 year history was gone in a few words. I said one the phone “don’t bother coming home - the locks have been changed and the money is moved, I know about the gal you spent the weekend with.”

there’s no reason to waste more time with someone that’s willing to betray you - ESPECIALLY when this was his chance to show you he was faithful.

some people just can’t be faithful! Better to get rid of those types. They can cheat on someone else.

I knew I deserved better.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GoodyGracie said:


> my husband and I have been through a lot in 16 years of marriage. 6 years ago, he cheated and I moved out. We went to therapy and decided to give our marriage another chance. In my gut, I don't think I ever fully trusted him again. Just recently, though everything _seems _fine, I just had a feeling that he was up to something. He's been using Facebook chat almost nonstop, and when I peeked at his phone, all the chats are deleted. He got a new phone last week, and he didn't realize that if he didn't log out of Facebook on his old device, it still works on wi-fi. I know the relationship is over when it comes to this level of snooping, but I also know that when I confront him with these chats and tell him I want a divorce, he's going to whine, lie, and gaslight me, claiming I'm overreacting to "flirty jokes". The things I read were not jokes at all, but I would like to have some impartial opinions. Here's what I saw:
> View attachment 71640
> View attachment 71641
> View attachment 71642


Even if he didn't have a history of faithlessness, this would be beyond the line. Since he has already proven to be a betrayer, he doesn't even have room for more innocent interaction than this.

He is a loser and he needs kicked to the curb.

I don't get these pathetic morons.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce is the therapy that will fix this, now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Serial cheaters very rarely change. They always need attention from someone new — even if they never meet them in person. And all the wishing and hopIng a spouse does that they’ll magically stop one day is just wasted energy. They may promise to stop whatever they’re doing (they don’t consider any of it cheating) — but don’t bet on it. It’s who they are. I was married to a serial cheater for a very long time and I don’t recommend that life.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, he is definitely pushing to see if something comes out of it. That's the typical goading behavior to entice the conversation to change to sexual, it seems she's falling for it.That's how all of this starts. He is not a trustworthy person. To me "Game Over".


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He’s a low down dirty pig. Gross.


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Just carry on keeping copies of all of the messages and see a lawyer. I wouldn't even tell him you are gong to end the marriage but just get on with it and have those divorce papers served. He may or may not have actually physically cheated yet with this lady but he clearly wants to, but either way he is still cheating.
> You dont mention children but do you have any?


We never had children, but we a 15 years into a 30 year mortgage.


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

EveningThoughts said:


> Not sure how anyone could be impartial, as it's pretty clear that your husband is a thirsty dog!
> 
> As sexual flirting goes, this example is pretty poor. Your husband is pushing for her to respond, but she isn't really into it, ir has poor conversation skills.
> He does say 'humour me' and appears to be looking for a sexual conversation to get off on, at this point.
> ...


This is not the same woman I caught him with before, but I suspect he was also sleeping with this woman at the same time. She is a former co-worker of his, I don't think I ever met her. He referenced in the chat that they've had sex, and the way she replied, it doesn't seem like it was more than 19 years ago, when he and I first started dating.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What are you going to do? You can see he’s pushing her and the ONLY reason it isn’t progressing is because she is barely responding.

and he won’t be sorry he’s doing it - he’ll only be sorry he got caught!

and you’re worried about a mortgage? Sell the house and get half the equity! Does he make more money than you?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

GoodyGracie said:


> We never had children, but we a 15 years into a 30 year mortgage.





GoodyGracie said:


> This is not the same woman I caught him with before, but I suspect he was also sleeping with this woman at the same time. She is a former co-worker of his, I don't think I ever met her. He referenced in the chat that they've had sex, and the way she replied, it doesn't seem like it was more than 19 years ago, when he and I first started dating.


I am truly sorry you are dealing with this GoodyGracie, this was so hard for me to read because I have lived this and we were in a very similar situation. I forgave him for having an EA online, and we went for counseling and I thought it was getting better. Fast forward, 7 years later, he expressed having inappropriate "thoughts" about a subordinate he hired and trained. I was hurt but gave him another chance, b/c he spotted a problem and headed it off, so I thought. Another 18 months and I found out they were really "in love" and it had progressed to a physical affair. 

We also had no kids, were married for about 12.5 yrs, 13 into a 30 yr mortgage, etc. Don't waste any time, he's had enough chances, you've bent over backward to make your marriage work, but one person can't carry a marriage. I agree with the posters who advised you to get your ducks in a row first and file without warning. If he didn't want an ambush, he shouldn't have been a deceitful, cheating asshat. Don't sleep with him and please get tested. Tell him you have a yeast infection and can't have sex until it's cured or something.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s a cheater. And looking to cheat more. 
yes I’d sell the house and move on. You’ll have lots of men that wouid treasure a trustworthy woman.

that guy is just worthless.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GoodyGracie said:


> We never had children, but we a 15 years into a 30 year mortgage.


sell the house, pay off the mortgage. Not worth staging with this gross man. Go see a lawyer for option.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I’m not going to add to the advice, because I would just repeat what others have said. I will say I’m sorry. It sucks to be in this position.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Are you going to do anything about him totally betraying you again?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Seems like they had sex some time in the past, and he is fishing to do it again. He's literally begging her for it.

Save the messages, tell him you know he's trying to hook up with women, and divorce him. No need to show him the messages or get into an argument. He's just going to gaslight you.


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

I'm definitely cataloging all the messages, and he's definitely still at it. This text convo is ongoing right this minute, while I'm working from home in another room.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

GoodyGracie said:


> We never had children, but we a 15 years into a 30 year mortgage.





GoodyGracie said:


> I'm definitely cataloging all the messages, and he's definitely still at it. This text convo is ongoing right this minute, while I'm working from home in another room.
> View attachment 71714



somehow this feels worse than cheating, I'm sorry but your husband is a sleaze.

Don't worry about the mortgage just get the hell out of there. You don't have children cut and run! But make sure you run with all that is owed to you. Keep these screenshots an look at them if you feel yourself making excuses. I still have my screenshots and it never fails to remind me of what I escaped from.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

She doesn’t even seem the least bit interested and he is super aggressive. Like sexual perversion aggressive.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Read all the posts about divorce here. Get tested for STD's, get a good lawyer and divorce the as$hole!! 

You deserve A LOT better!!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why aren’t you doing something to change this gross situation?

he’s disgusting! She isn’t really even interested and he keeps the pressure on her. Get rid of him! You deserve way better!!!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is actually sexual harrassment and she needs to alert the authorities.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

FYI because of the pandemic the real estate market is hot - they say the last time like this was in 2006. You would get a good price but the next question where do you go...good for sellers, not for buyers.
He is really pushing her and she is probably keeping all the messages to for when she gets fed up with his juvenile behavior and sends the texts to you!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

mickybill said:


> FYI because of the pandemic the real estate market is hot - they say the last time like this was in 2006. You would get a good price but the next question where do you go...good for sellers, not for buyers.
> He is really pushing her and she is probably keeping all the messages to for when she gets fed up with his juvenile behavior and sends the texts to you!


That’s me! Living the real estate nightmare in a super growth part of the country. Good effin times.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Are you still with him? His behavior is super creepy!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Here is what is about the happen. that dude is being a creep and IS a creep. He is getting declined by his little online contact. When that goes dead, he will be "really friendly" with the wife and probably looking for some action. 

man, I don't want to give ideas but I would hate if you reach down and accidentally do a death grip on is beans!!!! Be like "me so sowwy, that hurt?" 

Dudes like this.....


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

My husband is acting funny, like he might suspect that I've seen his text messages, and that he's upset I may have looked. I'm of the opinion that asking another woman for sex is a much greater betrayal than looking as a spouse's messages. I don't delete my conversations or have conversations asking for sex from other people, so if he were to look at my messages, he may not like everything he reads, but I have never broken my marriage vows. I don't know for sure if he knows, but I'm not sure if I should keep up this charade that I'm completely ignorant of his carrying on. I'm trapped right now, in that the vehicle I drive is not paid off yet, and it's in his name because it was a gift. My credit is not terrific because I had trouble paying off some debts I had to assume after my parents passed away. He is very passive/aggressive, and I really don't want to have to deal with even more childish behavior before I can get out of this house.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Surely, if she didn't want this attention she could block his number or make no reply at all?

There's something that doesn't add up, here. Maybe you are seeing the text messages they want you to see?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

@MattMatt , I don't think that is the case. Seen several women in the US that like to play this "hard to get" thing. I think she is enjoying the attention. 

From the sound of it, it doesn't sound like anything has yet happened but VERY obvious the H is very open to this and probably not his first rodeo in the cheating corner.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Please don’t have sex with him. I understand you want more time to plan an escape. But you can’t hide money. 
Is he paying for your car now? If he paying for the mortgage now? Or is it split 50/50?


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Please don’t have sex with him. I understand you want more time to plan an escape. But you can’t hide money.
> Is he paying for your car now? If he paying for the mortgage now? Or is it split 50/50?
> 
> We split it equally, our net salaries are almost the same.


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> @MattMatt , I don't think that is the case. Seen several women in the US that like to play this "hard to get" thing. I think she is enjoying the attention.
> 
> From the sound of it, it doesn't sound like anything has yet happened but VERY obvious the H is very open to this and probably not his first rodeo in the cheating corner.


It appears they did have sex at some point in the past, but it's unclear how long ago. As a woman, the idea of being sought-after is appealing, I think that's one of the reasons why she doesn't block him. She's also clearly unhappy in her own marriage, and I think she enjoys the idea of having other options.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

GoodyGracie said:


> It appears they did have sex at some point in the past, but it's unclear how long ago. As a woman, the idea of being sought-after is appealing, I think that's one of the reasons why she doesn't block him. She's also clearly unhappy in her own marriage, and I think she enjoys the idea of having other options.


Ah, Obviously I missed something. But I think all would agree, a cheater here and he enjoys it. Just another one to add to the statistics. I seriously come here just to be reminded of why I won't do another one of these. Marriage vows mean nothing anymore.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

GoodyGracie said:


> I'm trapped right now, in that the vehicle I drive is not paid off yet ...


If a car payment is all that is keeping you tethered to this slime ball of a husband, I'd suggest you take a sincere look at why you are actually staying. Because from where I'm sitting, a car payment wouldn't keep me in a relationship with a man like this for a second, car payment be damned.

TBH, I don't think I'd even want to be breathing in the same air space with someone like this. Not only are you NOT overreacting, you are under reacting.


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## JSully981 (Sep 24, 2020)

Hi GoodGracie, I read your post and feel like you and I are in the same boat. Your story is so close to mine. Take a look at what I posted just 3 days ago What do you do with this. I am off to see an attorney tomorrow. It still feels like I have been hit by a truck though.

Jsully981


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

GoodyGracie said:


> My husband is acting funny, like he might suspect that I've seen his text messages, and that he's upset I may have looked. I'm of the opinion that asking another woman for sex is a much greater betrayal than looking as a spouse's messages. I don't delete my conversations or have conversations asking for sex from other people, so if he were to look at my messages, he may not like everything he reads, but I have never broken my marriage vows. I don't know for sure if he knows, but I'm not sure if I should keep up this charade that I'm completely ignorant of his carrying on. I'm trapped right now, in that the vehicle I drive is not paid off yet, and it's in his name because it was a gift. My credit is not terrific because I had trouble paying off some debts I had to assume after my parents passed away. He is very passive/aggressive, and I really don't want to have to deal with even more childish behavior before I can get out of this house.


I have kids, have been a SAHM for years and zero savings. I’m working on leaving. Im just going to make it work because I can’t live this way. It still feels like I’m dying a slow death until I can leave.
A car payment and a shared mortgage is not a tether. 
An intact life and self esteem is worth driving a dumpy car any day of the week in my book. Dump him and the car if you need to and get gone.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> If a car payment is all that is keeping you tethered to this slime ball of a husband, I'd suggest you take a sincere look at why you are actually staying. Because from where I'm sitting, a car payment wouldn't keep me in a relationship with a man like this for a second, car payment be damned.
> 
> TBH, I don't think I'd even want to be breathing in the same air space with someone like this. Not only are you NOT overreacting, you are under reacting.


yep, you know perfectly well he is actively pursuing other gal(s) for sex.

at this point you are betraying yourself by staying - this leads to physical illnesses because of what you are doing to yourself mentally to stay.

there’s not one single reason to stay? A car payment? Work another job to make up the difference or turn it in and get something cheaper!

either way - find a way to leave as soon as possible - that environment is toxic for you!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When I filed, I had a great car that I really enjoyed. But it was not yet paid off and it was very expensive (as was the maintenance on it). I let it go. It was part of the price I paid for leaving and I don’t regret it. If you want to consider yourself “trapped” in your marriage over a car then that’s your decision to make. But don’t be surprised if it turns out not to be worth it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

QuietRiot said:


> I have kids, have been a SAHM for years and zero savings. I’m working on leaving. Im just going to make it work because I can’t live this way. It still feels like I’m dying a slow death until I can leave.
> A car payment and a shared mortgage is not a tether.
> An intact life and self esteem is worth driving a dumpy car any day of the week in my book. Dump him and the car if you need to and get gone.


QR, you actually have at least HALF of the savings!!! Your lawyer will see to that. Make sure you dig and find your financial documents so that he can't hide $$$


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> QR, you actually have at least HALF of the savings!!! Your lawyer will see to that. Make sure you dig and find your financial documents so that he can't hide $$$


Oh I did!!! No he is cashing all kinds of things in to get my settlement $$$.


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## phantom44 (Apr 20, 2020)

Sorry he's bad news. If I saw my wife with that stuff it would be bye bye. She had a 2 year affair. And I took her back, but I don't trust her and probably never will. We've been married 25 years.
It's funny how they turn it around on us. after they get done crushing our hearts. They just don't get the pain we feel.


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

So, apparently COVID is also causing divorces. Every attorney near me had a ridiculously long wait list, my virtual appointment isn't until the second week of November. In the meantime, I'm discovering the depths of his disrespect for me and our marriage. I don't know why I found this funny, maybe it's because I now trust what I actually perceive, instead of taking my husband's word for what he's up to, and he's ridiculously obvious and obtuse. Last night, we're sitting in the living room watching tv, and he was on his phone, clearly having a back and forth conversational exchange. He asked me who was the author of The Hobbit, and then typed my response. His phone buzzed, he replies on his own to whatever was said, and this goes on 3 or 4 times. I knew it was something shady, because every time I looked at him while he was typing, he kept his head down, then just looked back at the tv without acknowledging me staring at him. After the next phone buzz, he asked me what was the title of the Anne Rice vampire book series. After I answered, I figured that since I'm such a bibliophile, I could ask what's up without seeming unduly interested in his conversation. When I asked who was asking about book series, he got this panicked/oh **** look on his face for a split second, then he couldn't look me in the eye. He clearly hadn't considered how he would explain his actions. He scrambled to come up with "Oh it's just people online, trying to guess someone's favorite book series." I wanted to laugh at how lame and vague his explanation was. That's just not how anyone would phrase things if they weren't trying to hide something. I have a way to see his Facebook activity, and he's a member of a secret Facebook group where women display their bodies in suggestive poses. A woman in the group was offering free nude pictures to the first person who could guess her favorite book series, and he actually had the nerve to ask me for info to help him win nudes from another woman. I feel totally vindicated in my decision to leave this marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good for you.

There’s nothing like seeings things for what they really are.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had read that the divorce business was doing very well lately. Lots of stress and uncertainty contributing to that, no doubt — plus just too much togetherness for some. Many marriages have only survived because, before, they didn’t spend a lot of time together. And then, of course, there are those like your husband who are just asking to be drop-kicked out. Will he be surprised?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey @GoodyGracie , 

While you wait for your attorney appointment, you can look up the divorce laws in your state and start educating yourself:
State Divorce Laws | Dads Divorce

On this link, click on YOUR state on the map, and it will take you to a page that summarizes your state's divorce laws and actually links to the actual LAWS. Look at the summary to get an overview, but definitely also read the laws of your state so you can knowledgably advocate for yourself.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

GoodyGracie said:


> A woman in the group was offering free nude pictures to the first person who could guess her favorite book series, and he actually had the nerve to ask me for info to help him win nudes from another woman. I feel totally vindicated in my decision to leave this marriage.


He has no shame!! I hope you can divorce him ASAP!


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

Openminded said:


> I had read that the divorce business was doing very well lately. Lots of stress and uncertainty contributing to that, no doubt — plus just too much togetherness for some. Many marriages have only survived because, before, they didn’t spend a lot of time together. And then, of course, there are those like your husband who are just asking to be drop-kicked out. Will he be surprised?


He will be very surprised, I'm sure. He seems to feel he's entitled to this behavior because I don't clean house like dear old mom.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may try to change your mind so be prepared just in case. Most cheaters don’t want a divorce. They just want a little “fun” on the side.


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## GoodyGracie (Sep 10, 2020)

Openminded said:


> He may try to change your mind so be prepared just in case. Most cheaters don’t want a divorce. They just want a little “fun” on the side.


Unfortunately, this was not his first offense, so he has no wiggle room here. There are no words to regain the second chance he blew.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This guy is one sick mother-f*****


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

GoodyGracie said:


> So, apparently COVID is also causing divorces. Every attorney near me had a ridiculously long wait list, my virtual appointment isn't until the second week of November. In the meantime, I'm discovering the depths of his disrespect for me and our marriage. I don't know why I found this funny, maybe it's because I now trust what I actually perceive, instead of taking my husband's word for what he's up to, and he's ridiculously obvious and obtuse. Last night, we're sitting in the living room watching tv, and he was on his phone, clearly having a back and forth conversational exchange. He asked me who was the author of The Hobbit, and then typed my response. His phone buzzed, he replies on his own to whatever was said, and this goes on 3 or 4 times. I knew it was something shady, because every time I looked at him while he was typing, he kept his head down, then just looked back at the tv without acknowledging me staring at him. After the next phone buzz, he asked me what was the title of the Anne Rice vampire book series. After I answered, I figured that since I'm such a bibliophile, I could ask what's up without seeming unduly interesting in his conversation. When I asked who was asking about book series, he got this panicked/oh **** look on his face for a split second, then he couldn't look me in the eye. He clearly hadn't considered how he would explain his actions. He scrambled to come up with "Oh it's just people online, trying to guess someone's favorite book series." I wanted to laugh at how lame and vague his explanation was. That's just not how anyone would phrase things if they weren't trying to hide something. I have a way to see his Facebook activity, and he's a member of a secret Facebook group where women display their bodies in suggestive poses. A woman in the group was offering free nude pictures to the first person who could guess her favorite book series, and he actually had the nerve to ask me for info to help him win nudes from another woman. I feel totally vindicated in my decision to leave this marriage.


What a D0uche bag. Seriously. Hasn’t he heard of a thing called google?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

GoodyGracie said:


> Unfortunately, this was not his first offense, so he has no wiggle room here. There are no words to regain the second chance he blew.


Yeah, unfortunately I know all about second chances being thrown away. I very rarely recommend them because I remember too well the outcome in my case. Some may succeed but many don’t.


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