# Does he really love me if...



## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

Can anyone tell me if this is something one should take very seriously - if a husband calls his wife names and pokes at her insecurities - He has called me a fat bit%ch once. After the first time I was furious and we agreed it wouldn't happen again. However he just called me that name again recently. It happens during heated arguments.He then apologizies the next day profusely and says he didn't mean it and did it to purposely hurt me because he was angry at me. He has also called me a who%re three times now.I think saying a who%re to your wife is disgusting and degrading. I have told him not to call me that and he accepts it but does it anyway when he is extremely frustrated at me.

To his defense, I prob do overreact, nag and do not choose my battles well. For instance I don't like him being on his phone and texting friends when we go out. Once night we went to a jazz performance in a small venue, he was on his phone when I asked him not to do it two times and he continued for a bit, I got up and walked away from him, when he came to make up, I did not want to and continued being angry. He started to get upset at me and said I was overreacting, tantrum throwing, bitc%h. 

Yesterday he also said some mean things to me about my decision to not have a child right now when he wants one - "that i cannot even give him a child, that I cannot satisfy him sexually and that im worthless because i don't have a job right now".. it has been more than a year than im trying but i havent found anything and he is supporting me right now.

Do you think name calling is bad but people make mistakes and couples say it from time to time when they are very angry? Or is this verbal abuse to the extreme and should not happen if you love each other? If so, what should I do to make him stop. If I cannot make him stop, do I leave him? We are in couples therapy and he knows he shouldnt be saying these things to me when he is angry but does it anyway.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Name calling has absolutely no place within a marriage or any other healthy relationship in fact.
It is a sign of that person's immaturity and also is a sign of gross disrespect.

Definitely does not demonstrate love , IMO.
Love yourself.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The kind of name-calling you are talking about is abusive and unacceptable. The real question you should be asking is not "does he love me" but "why should I put up with this?" I think you need to tell him, firmly, that you're not going to tolerate being called names and insulted no matter what he is upset about. If he is upset about something, he needs to learn to express it normally, like a grown man.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

No two people should call the other a fat biatch. How disrespectful. I don't care how angry one is, there is no excuse. Marriage is a two way street. People need to grow up and stop this name calling and blame shifting. We get upset when our kids are bullied and how do most of us act? Are we any better?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

He is a bully and is completely belittling you and it is a form of emotional abuse. The worst part of this form of abuse is that eventually the one being told they are worthless, a fat b*tch, etc., (you), will start to believe it. It breaks down your self confidence and self image and replaces it with a broken down shell. I am sorry to say unless he admits he's bullying you and wants to quit, he won't.

I am really sorry for you situation. Sometimes for people to see the damage they are causing, the other person has to take extreme measures. You may have to move out, for a while any way. This may nock some sense into him - if he is scared of loosing you. If he is not scared of loosing you, he will let you go, that is the plight you face.

If he won't admit, try to change, or have sense nocked into him, it will continue and probably escalate. If you have kids, the kids will either pick up his ways and bully you too, or he will bully them along with you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JustHer said:


> He is a bully and is completely belittling you and it is a form of emotional abuse. The worst part of this form of abuse is that eventually the one being told they are worthless, a fat b*tch, etc., (you), will start to believe it. It breaks down your self confidence and self image and replaces it with a broken down shell. I am sorry to say unless he admits he's bullying you and wants to quit, he won't.
> 
> I am really sorry for you situation. Sometimes for people to see the damage they are causing, the other person has to take extreme measures. You may have to move out, for a while any way.


Whoa!! Slow down!! Let's put things in perspective. He called her a " fat bit%ch" two times, and apologized profusely for it. I think it's a little premature to move out over this, especially when the OP admits she isn't always helping the situation. 

To answer the OP's question, yes, he probably still loves you. Unfortunately, it's pretty normal. I doubt there is a couple on the entire planet that hasn't called each other names at some point. Now, having said that, name-calling is never healthy, and is very unproductive because it then makes it even harder to work through any disagreements. 

Now disclaimer here: I call my wife a "who%re" constantly! But for us, it's not an insult, but quite the opposite. It just means that we are aroused and ready for sex! Context is important.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

kacy said:


> a husband calls his wife names and pokes at her insecurities - He has called me a fat bit%ch once.
> he just called me that name again recently.
> did it to purposely hurt me because he was angry at me. He has also called me a who%re three times now.I think saying a who%re to your wife is disgusting and degrading.
> 
> ...





Theseus said:


> Whoa!! Slow down!! Let's put things in perspective. He called her a " fat bit%ch" two times, and apologized profusely for it. I think it's a little premature to move out over this, especially when the OP admits she isn't always helping the situation. QUOTE]
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Whoa!! Slow down!! Let's put things in perspective. He called her a " fat bit%ch" two times, and apologized profusely for it. I think it's a little premature to move out over this, especially when the OP admits she isn't always helping the situation.
> 
> To answer the OP's question, yes, he probably still loves you. Unfortunately, it's pretty normal. *I doubt there is a couple on the entire planet that hasn't called each other names at some point*. Now, having said that, name-calling is never healthy, and is very unproductive because it then makes it even harder to work through any disagreements.
> 
> Now disclaimer here: I call my wife a "who%re" constantly! But for us, it's not an insult, but quite the opposite. It just means that we are aroused and ready for sex! Context is important.


I was married for 17 years, went through a very contentious divorce, and am still having to deal with my ex and her horrible behavior. I have never once called her a name, and have only even raised my voice a handful of times. Not even when things are at their heated worst. Come to think of it, I have never called a woman a name in my life, not even the more generic terms such as assh*le. 

Now on the other hand, every woman I have been with has done the whole name calling thing in arguements...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

On one hand people say stupid things when mad, since it'd happens twice, I don't think it's a love me or not situation. Have you called him any names? Or insulted him?

When clam you need to sit down and talk to him, seems having a child is important to him, and well it seems you are sensitive about your weight. Also if that's the worst he has done, accept his apology and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The one person who is supposed to love and cherish you.... it's just wrong for him to call you names. 

I agree it's immature and a crappy way to argue. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. Arguing isn't a green light to get ignorant and call your spouse degrading names. 

I'd talk to him calmly about it. I'd say that it has to stop or our relationship is done. Period. Because we cannot/should not bring a baby into this world if we don't even respect each other. Can't have it both ways.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Name calling should not be accepted in any relationship. Its disrespectful, emotionally abusive and should not be tolerated nor rewarded. You are going to have to have a talk with him and outline what is allowed when you get into an argument and what is not, and those rules would go for both of you.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Unfortunately, it's pretty normal. I doubt there is a couple on the entire planet that hasn't called each other names at some point.


I've been married for 23 years this month. My husband may not be perfect but he has NEVER in 23 years called me names. Not once.

Don't put up with this. It is abuse.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your husband will treat you the way you allow him to treat you. 

Next time he calls you a fat b!tch call him a pencil d!ck [email protected] Next time he calls you a [email protected] say nothing. But don't let him touch you. Let him know that you will not be insulted by a man whose needs you are meeting. If he does not love you then he needs to get out.

I think this is the beginning of abuse that will escalate. You either get the upper hand or plan on escalation. You are reacting too nicely. Go ballistic and it will not happen again. 

Don't get yourself into a position where you cannot get out if you need. Keep working and be a success. Have only as many kids as you can care for by yourself.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Your husband will treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
> 
> Next time he calls you a fat b!tch call him a pencil d!ck [email protected] Next time he calls you a [email protected] say nothing. But don't let him touch you. Let him know that you will not be insulted by a man whose needs you are meeting. If he does not love you then he needs to get out.
> 
> I think this is the beginning of abuse that will escalate. You either get the upper hand or plan on escalation. You are reacting too nicely. Go ballistic and it will not happen again.


So you are worried about the "abuse that will escalate", yet your solution is for her to "go ballistic" and escalate the name calling?? Are you serious? Think about what you are saying for a moment please. 

:scratchhead:

Not only does your advice contradict itself, but it's the worst possible solution. Answering name calling with name calling isn't going to help anyone, except divorce attorneys.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

The things your SO is saying to you sound very hurtful to me and something that no human being should have to endure.

A therapist once told a friend of mind, "your level of need will determine what you will tolerate." I found that a helpful way to shift the attention from what the other person is doing that is so very hurtful to what is it in me that will tolerate it.

What i am saying here is that once you realize why you tolerate it and realize that you deserve better, you will be able to address it calmly in a way that won't escalate it. This will likely make him quite uncomfortable and he won't like it, but if you staying true to yourself (self-love) and to the knowing that you deserve better (letting go of the fear of losing him), love (self-love) will win.

-k


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband has never called me names either. Not once. Nor has he ever shouted at me.

Yes we argue sometimes, of course we do, but we NEVER EVER call each other names.

Fat ***** is bad enough but wh ore????? Why on earth would you tolerate that?

If my husband called me a wh ore, I'd pack a bag and be gone. He'd have to come grovelling on bended knee before I'd even consider going back, and you can damn well bet he'd only do it once.

Grrrr.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Theseus said:


> So you are worried about the "abuse that will escalate", yet your solution is for her to "go ballistic" and escalate the name calling?? Are you serious? Think about what you are saying for a moment please.
> 
> :scratchhead:
> 
> Not only does your advice contradict itself, but it's the worst possible solution. Answering name calling with name calling isn't going to help anyone, except divorce attorneys.


What do you propose? Should she ask him politely to mend his ways yet again? I guess I don't play nice when treated with such severe disrespect. Mild disrespect does not require a slash and burn response but, this does. 

Sometimes the only way to back up a bully is to stand up to him/her. I would not tolerate what this man said from a stranger let alone someone in the safety of my domicile. 

Yes I would get angry enough to give what I got. If it is ok for him to loose himself in anger and then regret it latter then it is ok for her too. 

She should not need to escalate. Say it once, if he persist, then she says nothing more and sees a D lawyer. No escalation just a lateral move out of the door.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

If my husband called me those names, i would also pack a bag and leave. There is no place in a respectful marriage for that ****. To call you those things and still expect sex is the height of ignorance and entitlement.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

agreenbough said:


> if my husband called me those names, i would also pack his bag. There is no place in a respectful marriage for that ****. To call you those things and still expect sex is the height of ignorance and entitlement.


fifu


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

My husband had never called me any names, however my mom would b:tch so much that my dad called her a fat cow once and that was the end of the world to her. While she insulted him daily. 

OP I'm not implying this is the same in your case but, is it possible these times he was having a bad day or you maybe pushed his buttons? Not justifying him, just saying that an honest assessment should be done before you do anything drastic as some have suggested. Maybe some MC can help you both communicate better. Once the all the respect is lost it is harder to repair a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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