# wrote an emotional email to the H.... haven't heard back



## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

So its been a month since he said he was leaving, no if's, ands or buts about it. Its what he wants and I can't do anything about it. I have been an emotional basketcase and its been a hard month to cope with. We started mediation because he has been wanting to get through this ASAP apparently. We haven't filed our papers yet but are working on that...he acts indifferent, is nice one day, talked about work etc, then goes out to party all the time...so i had it and told him I was done being all nice and normal because this thing going on wasn't normal to me. So we haven't talked in almost 2 weeks....t2 nights ago he wanted to talk about the divorce and how he was going to help me out, help me with the mortgage, help me with health insurance and how he wanted to make sure I was taken care of.

So last night i decided to write him an email, because talking in person is just soooo hard and i cry all the time...its hard for me to move on because I dont have any clear answers as to WHY he wants this other than "I just have a feeling....I dont want to be married anymore- wants to be alone, live on his own etc"

I told him int he email how I see this situation, how I feel liek he hit a bump in the road, is doubting and now running away and I don't understand it...it was a nice email, no *****ing or being mean or anything, it was just needing to understand for closure if thats what he wanted. ..........................so i'm still waiting to hear back from him. He hasn't written at all, but is always quick to write about bills, money etc.

I am not sure how to take it....should I have not sent him anything? DO i keep asking to get my answers and try to understand what he is going through?


----------



## guitarist30 (Nov 10, 2010)

a true man who wants to fix things will either meet you halfway, or he will swallow his pride completely and come to you without warning. I, on several occasions have come to my wife when there was a problem (though sometimes after a few days or even a few weeks) and apologized. We are both stubborn people and it's hard for either of us to apologize.


----------



## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

My husband has done a similar thing to me. He left without me understanding why, offered to help with bills, and goes out with his friend. It's been a month. 

It's been a day since you sent it. Give it some more time and then call or text to see if he has received it. It maybe that he needs some time to think about your email. I think what you did was fine. You have a right to know why he has done what he did. It can be really agonizing not knowing why someone has left. I think you did the right thing. Give him some time and explain you want to understand what is in his heart and head. Ultimately, if he doesn't want to explain it he wont and there is nothing you can do about it. So if you ask him these questions and he won't answer try to move on. I know how difficult that is.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It really confused me when I read a thread like this. A married couple, not knowing how their spouse feel & what they think, as if they never date, talk, argue, or communicate in their lives to each other, just get married & divorced blindly without knowing a thing from the spouse.
How is possible you don't know your husband at all?! All by guessings, you get married and get divorced?


----------



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Agree with country apple...he might need time to respond, otherwise I do think you have really tried your best to understand his reasons, but he wasn't really willing to communicate with you...I know that you tried counseling to help. 

It's agonizing feeling you have been left in the dark but it's exhausting to feel so confused all the time....accepting that your need to 'know' might not be met may feel a relief to you. I have given up hope that my husband will ever confess to the affair I am sure he is having, despite frank and open conversations (not shouting etc) and I am tired now of wondering, does it matter now?..he didn't want to talk openly to me, despite efforts, so may be that is just who he is, and I will have to accept and walk forward on my own. Keep reminding yourself it WILL get better....


----------



## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

When I am "out there" emotionally I expect my wife to be in the same place. She isn't. I want her to reply to my emails and will watch for them obsessively. She doesn't always respond. She is setting boundaries and deciding when she wants to do what she wants to do. I have no control.

Be patient and focus your mind on other things. It's hard, I know. But it is possible.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Is it that hard for ppl to guess? I believe it's hard for ppl to accept the rejection.
When ppl don't want to reply to our email, avoid more discussions with us, and being indifferent to us. It means?!
For them, it's very clear that they WANT to leave. For us, we choose to wait for a miracle in the darkness.
Or no?
Accept it bravely, get out of the darkness, and plan for a brighter, happier future!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Is it that hard for ppl to guess? I believe it's hard for ppl to accept the rejection.
> When ppl don't want to reply to our email, avoid more discussions with us, and being indifferent to us. It means?!
> For them, it's very clear that they WANT to leave. For us, we choose to wait for a miracle in the darkness.
> Or no?
> ...


I see where you are coming from.... our 6 yrs we have been there for each other, talked about everything under the sun, we know how each other feels etc....thats what makes this situation so freakin stranger and confusing...its because this is totally not like him at all, its like I have no idea where this random side of him came from because not once in the 7 yrs i hve known him did anything even close to this ever surface or did I see in him,

I am accepting this is over, I am just asking to understand....because I truely dont and I feel if I have a better understanding then it will help me move on. Obviously I dont htink I will get ANY answers at all and am slowly accepting that. I will be moving forward no matter what...I just thought, getting more clarify might make it slightly easier.


----------



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Did you hear back any reply to your email Shelly? 

I got quite emotional on the phone speaking to husband about practical arrangements and it was obvious it upset him. Following that he sent 3 texts asking me to please not be upset, to try to keep my spirits up etc and then a phone message later saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and please can I relax? I don't know what this is about but I suspect it's very painful for him to see how much his decision has destroyed me and it makes him feel guilty and bad about it......maybe he didn't reply cos he feels so guilty over the hurt that he must know he has caused to you? Especially cos he hasn't even given you his reasons for wanting to end the marriage....


----------



## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Shelly29 said:


> So its been a month since he said he was leaving, no if's, ands or buts about it. Its what he wants and I can't do anything about it. I have been an emotional basketcase and its been a hard month to cope with. We started mediation because he has been wanting to get through this ASAP apparently. We haven't filed our papers yet but are working on that...he acts indifferent, is nice one day, talked about work etc, then goes out to party all the time...so i had it and told him I was done being all nice and normal because this thing going on wasn't normal to me. So we haven't talked in almost 2 weeks....t2 nights ago he wanted to talk about the divorce and how he was going to help me out, help me with the mortgage, help me with health insurance and how he wanted to make sure I was taken care of.
> 
> So last night i decided to write him an email, because talking in person is just soooo hard and i cry all the time...its hard for me to move on because I dont have any clear answers as to WHY he wants this other than "I just have a feeling....I dont want to be married anymore- wants to be alone, live on his own etc"
> 
> ...


Shelly,

I am sorry that you are going through this. He sounds as though he is keeping himself emotionally-detached and that's why he is not answering you. I would almost bet that he is cheating and that's the reason for the distance and just talking about non-relationship stuff. Most men (and women) that I know and have heard of generally don't throw away a marriage unless they have someone else lined up. This is, of course, unless he has several women lined up (even in his mind) and that's why he is going out and partying. Perhaps he feels like you two married too young and he would rather be free. Perhaps he cannot give you that answer because he does not want to seem like an @sshole. However, I am leaning towards him having someone and being really caught up in that. I could be wrong. Regardless, I really hope that you can move on without closure because I don't see him being forthcoming. I will say that in my experience, what is in the dark will come to the light. It may be months or years from now but I think that the answers that will give you closure will surface. Good luck.


----------



## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Marigold- no answer yet.....I am really feeling like I wont hear back from him on this subject

Orion- he keeps swearing there is no one...Its not that I believe him or not, I just don't know now what to believe... I mean, he brought this divorce up out of the blue, totally blind sided me on this so who knows....maybe here is other girls.....( I did check his facbeook pg occasionally and I have noticed in the last month since this went down, the amount of women he has made friends with is stupid! I wont call them women, because they are young, some college, some 20's mid and him etc.....BUT yeah.... i guess i shouldnt be surpised if he jumps on the dating scene ASAP and find another chick.


----------



## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Shelly29 said:


> Marigold- no answer yet.....I am really feeling like I wont hear back from him on this subject
> 
> Orion- he keeps swearing there is no one...Its not that I believe him or not, I just don't know now what to believe... I mean, he brought this divorce up out of the blue, totally blind sided me on this so who knows....maybe here is other girls.....( I did check his facbeook pg occasionally and I have noticed in the last month since this went down, the amount of women he has made friends with is stupid! I wont call them women, because they are young, some college, some 20's mid and him etc.....BUT yeah.... i guess i shouldnt be surpised if he jumps on the dating scene ASAP and find another chick.


Does he have lots of male friends that are single (or married and cheating on their wives)? It's possible that he has seen their "lifestyle" and feels that he wants something similar.

A friend of mine was CONSIDERING divorcing his wife and started to line up women that he could sleep with. He and his wife have a horrible sex life so he felt like he wanted to address the missing component asap. They are not divorcing and he didn't physically cheat (though he cheated to me) but I would not be surprised if your hubby is "lining his ducks in a row" at the very least. And by the way, he's supposed to deny it until the end. It's what many men are taught from an early age. Not by our fathers but by older kids/brothers. That's why I take his denial with a grain of salt.


----------



## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Orion- I dont think he has lots of close friends here...the guys he hangs out with here are all single or dating... maybe one is married. That could be a factor in all this too, but we have always had single friends and married friends...little of both.

I really dont know what to think or believe anymore...i know i wont get the answers I am looking for and I know he wont be opening up about all this... so i need to come to grips that this might be how it will end and I have to accept that


----------



## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

I want to tell you all women in this post. when a man leaves and not explaining anything, this means he is cheating or having an affair. How do I know? my exh tried to reconcile after the ow chetaed on him. i'm blind for 2 yrs never listen to my friends and family i trusted him that he just wanted to be alone and even make me believed that he is depressed from what is happening to us. at the end he admitted that it is the only easy way out to ignore and pretend he's miserable. I didn't reconcile with him. I am happy now, my kids are happy and he is miserable.


----------



## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Anna11, I can never been too sure anymore.... he moved into his apt in the next day or so and then I wont have to look at him anymore and can try and move forward without all this anxiety and stress I am in..... Gotta keep my guard up.


----------

