# So my wife wants to leave but I want her to stay



## Khestral (Apr 9, 2012)

I have been married for 14 years this year... she has told me the "I love you but I am not in love with you line" this last December... I have also found out she has found this old friend of hers from when she was a kid... she has been texting and talking to him since about a month prior to telling me this...

I honestly want to talk to this guy and tell him to deal with his own failing marriage... she does not know that I found out about the texts and the calls... 

My heart is hurting so bad right now I cannot think straight... she says she will try counseling... and we of course have to wonderful kids... a boy and a girl... 

I could literally write a list of things I should have done, never been a physical thing or arguing... more of us both getting into a rut and not getting out of it at all.. but honestly I don't think she wants to try, she is looking at this guy as the new thing and I am the crappy old shoe... 

I don't even know what I am asking here... I just know I am about as lost as I have ever felt in my life... 

I make all the money really so I feel like right now she wants to get ourselves on our feet and then save money for her to leave... I don't have a clue to how someone can do this to another person and all I feel like right now is a victim... and I really hate that...

Thanks for anything that may come from this silly sporadic non sensible set of words... ;D


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here but you are not a victim. You can take your power back as you hold more cards than you think you do. Read as much as you can here and learn. 

Stay strong.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Khestral said:


> I have been married for 14 years this year... she has told me the "I love you but I am not in love with you line" this last December... I have also found out she has found this old friend of hers from when she was a kid... she has been texting and talking to him since about a month prior to telling me this...
> 
> I honestly want to talk to this guy and tell him to deal with his own failing marriage... she does not know that I found out about the texts and the calls...
> 
> ...


You've likely given up a good portion of your life to "make her happy" - correct?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) Check out the Coping With Infidelity section of this website. Your wife has been having an Emotional Affair (even if she hasn't physically cheated). It can hurt just as badly as a Physical Affair.

2.) If she is going to give MC a try with you, then the FIRST thing she needs to do is send the old BF a text (or phone call) telling him that she is ending ALL contact with him beginning immediately. If it is a text, you should watch her send it. If it is a phone call, you should be there to hear it. If she objects to this, tell her that is the only way you can feel assured it has actually happened. If she is insulted, tough crap! Tell her she HAS lost your trust; she will need to earn it back.

Second step (to earning back your trust & working on marriage) is that she gives you ALL PASSWORDS to email, computers, texting, phones, etc. And, she is to live transparently which means she has nothing to hide therefore, you will check as often as you feel necessary.

If she isnt committed to TRULY working through MC, then there is NOTHING you can do. One person cannot single-handedly fix a marriage (but one CAN sure as hell screw it up!)

Good Luck!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Khestral said:


> I have been married for 14 years this year... she has told me the "I love you but I am not in love with you line" this last December... I have also found out she has found this old friend of hers from when she was a kid... she has been texting and talking to him since about a month prior to telling me this...
> 
> I honestly want to talk to this guy and tell him to deal with his own failing marriage... she does not know that I found out about the texts and the calls...
> 
> ...


It's a waste of your time and money to bother with counseling if she's still seeing the other guy. Do your reading in the CWI forum. If you want to, start cutting her off financially while still taking care of the bills. But reality can be a pretty good wake up call.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Conseling is great, but the AP (affair partner) has to be out of the picture. The EA (emotional affar) has generated a sence of "grass is always grenner" kind of thinking for your WW (wayward wife).

She is in an affair fog, educate your self by reading and investigate her behavior with keylogger, VAR, GPS and other tools to find exactly what you are up against. This also includes finding out about the OM and exposing it to his W (wife) or GF.

Right now the dynamics of the marriage is being effected by the OM and until the OM is out of the Picture and NC (no contact) is established and confirmed you are in a loosing battle.

Right no do your research and learn about affiars, invetigate and see what your up against, and then confront, and expose.


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## Khestral (Apr 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> You've likely given up a good portion of your life to "make her happy" - correct?


Well yes and no... I honestly do love doing things for her and I truly enjoy every min of it... Right now though... I almost feel like I am handling all the finances to prepare her to walk...


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## Khestral (Apr 9, 2012)

the guy said:


> Conseling is great, but the AP (affair partner) has to be out of the picture. The EA (emotional affar) has generated a sence of "grass is always grenner" kind of thinking for your WW (wayward wife).
> 
> She is in an affair fog, educate your self by reading and investigate her behavior with keylogger, VAR, GPS and other tools to find exactly what you are up against. This also includes finding out about the OM and exposing it to his W (wife) or GF.
> 
> ...


Part of me wants to send this guy a letter with pictures of my kids to show him what he is hurting... He lives out of state but she has known him forever... I actually met the guy 16 years ago.... I honestly am not sure when he came into the picture again.

Part of this is my fault... I had pulled back from her and I do think I neglected her on some levels... I just don't know why she decides to wait to talk to me... I feel like I wasn't good enough to fight for. I am not perfect by any means but I cannot fathom how she can toss out everything we have for some other new flavor... it feels like a shiney spoon mentality.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Khestral said:


> Part of me wants to send this guy a letter with pictures of my kids to show him what he is hurting... He lives out of state but she has known him forever... I actually met the guy 16 years ago.... I honestly am not sure when he came into the picture again.
> 
> Part of this is my fault... I had pulled back from her and I do think I neglected her on some levels... I just don't know why she decides to wait to talk to me... I feel like I wasn't good enough to fight for. I am not perfect by any means but I cannot fathom how she can toss out everything we have for some other new flavor... it feels like a shiney spoon mentality.


Never beg another man to not take your wife from you. Have some self respect.

Stop blaming yourself. She is in an affair. The affair must end. You need to stop the affair or she is gone.

See a lawyer ASAP. Tell her that her affair is unaccpetable. Do not enable her financially by allowing her to cake eat. Cut off the money. Do not separate. If she leaves then divorce her. She is not attracted to you right now. Man-up. That is attractive.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Khestral said:


> Part of me wants to send this guy a letter with pictures of my kids to show him what he is hurting... He lives out of state but she has known him forever... I actually met the guy 16 years ago.... I honestly am not sure when he came into the picture again.
> 
> Part of this is my fault... I had pulled back from her and I do think I neglected her on some levels... I just don't know why she decides to wait to talk to me... I feel like I wasn't good enough to fight for. I am not perfect by any means but I cannot fathom how she can toss out everything we have for some other new flavor... it feels like a shiney spoon mentality.


He's not the problem. Your wife and her lack of boundaries are the problem. If it's not him, it will be someone else.

C


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