# Opinions: What's wrong/right with this?



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm unusual. My first wife, high school sweetheart, was my first sexual experience, too. I never had the desire to sleep with every woman who took a shine to me, or to pursue any woman I found attractive. 

I believe I do not find love through sex, but through respect, admiration, lovingkindness, and then seal or bond it forever with the love of sharing the most intimate tangible things we possess.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

You may be in the minority, but what you've written seems very healthy and normal.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I'm unusual. My first wife, high school sweetheart, was my first sexual experience, too. I never had the desire to sleep with every woman who took a shine to me, or to pursue any woman I found attractive.
> 
> *I believe I do not find love through sex*, but through respect, admiration, lovingkindness, and then seal or bond it forever with the love of sharing the most intimate tangible things we possess.


Mostly normal... :smile2: but would you be ok in a marriage without sex? See bolded part...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> Mostly normal... :smile2: but would you be ok in a marriage without sex? See bolded part...


My second marriage was one without sex(It ended up that way, but in the beginning, it was hot and heavy and I enjoyed it), though it might be blamed on me in part. No, I don't think I'd like that. I don't like living the sexless life I have right now. Maybe some counseling would be a good choice? Don't know if that is a regular counselor or some specialist.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> My second marriage was one without sex(It ended up that way, but in the beginning, it was hot and heavy and I enjoyed it), though it might be blamed on me in part. No, I don't think I'd like that. I don't like living the sexless life I have right now. Maybe some counseling would be a good choice? Don't know if that is a regular counselor or some specialist.


Counselling can help, if both partners want to solve the situation... otherwise, it's just a waste of time. A bit obvious, yes, but some people only find that out when they are actually in counselling and realise they don't want to stay in the marriage... :laugh:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> Counselling can help, if both partners want to solve the situation... otherwise, it's just a waste of time. A bit obvious, yes, but some people only find that out when they are actually in counselling and realise they don't want to stay in the marriage... :laugh:


I think I will discuss this with a counselor. I think it would do me good to talk about it. It's bothering me more as I move forward in life. I think there are more issues than just this. I think thy tie in with this being a sort of end result of the others. Yet, I don't really feel much like pursuing what would lead me to something different with life. 

I'm going to have to talk, but I don't think I will be understood well. The counselor I was seeing is good, but did not seem to have any recommendations.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

If it doesn’t affect your relationship in a negative way, I don’t think it’s a problem. If you think it is a problem then, by all means, go to the counsellor. There are promiscuous people who should learn this; that there is not always a connection between sex and love.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Just a note: Sex produces the hormone Oxytocin whose purpose is to emotionally bond a couple together. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to a child. Powerful stuff. Reason why many people fall in love with sex partners. Love is just a chemical reaction in the brain as is every emotion. Genetically men are designed to be able to impregnate several women a day. Our hormones start urging us to have sex a day after our last orgasm. This lasts for about 10 days before leveling off. You run contra to the genetic male experience. However if it worked for you it does not matter.

I think the fact that you refer to having a first wife may run contra to your beliefs. I had a lot of sex before marriage and am still on my first wife 46 years later. Who has it right?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

As always recommended have a physical, make sure your blood work numbers are good, or where they are.

Your post isn't abnormal. It may be a minority as has been mentioned but many are the same.

Also, imo most older adults don't try and find love "through having sex with loads of persons" but enjoy good sex with someone they believe may become impt in their lives.

And may have sex when other opportunities arise, or don't, that's a personal choice. 

Sex isn't always a driver. It's imo impt but not all parts of a good, healthy relationship.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Vinnydee said:


> Just a note: Sex produces the hormone Oxytocin whose purpose is to emotionally bond a couple together. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to a child. Powerful stuff. Reason why many people fall in love with sex partners. Love is just a chemical reaction in the brain as is every emotion. Genetically men are designed to be able to impregnate several women a day. Our hormones start urging us to have sex a day after our last orgasm. This lasts for about 10 days before leveling off. You run contra to the genetic male experience. However if it worked for you it does not matter.
> 
> *I think the fact that you refer to having a first wife may run contra to your beliefs.* I had a lot of sex before marriage and am still on my first wife 46 years later. Who has it right?


What do you mean by that first emboldened sentence? I have been thinking about it and cannot figure it out.

Those last three sentences have me wondering. 

I feel like you are telling me that it isn't what is right or wrong, but what is right or wrong for the individual? 

Not sure how what I posted runs against genetic male experience. I'm confused.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> I believe I do not find love through sex, but through respect, admiration, lovingkindness, and then seal or bond it forever with the love of sharing the most intimate tangible things we possess.


I don't find love through sex, but when I don't get it I feel disrespected, disapproved, averted, and then undo everything that has to do with being nice and sharing the most insignificant things to become absolutely possessed with my frustrations.

There, that perhaps sounds more like an honest man. In my mansplaining opinion women want to just cut through the BS and be with someone that is at least honest about their imperfections. That way you at least know where the problems are and can work towards improving. 



2ntnuf said:


> I think respect must be earned and maintained over a lifetime. I know I can't help who I am attracted to. I have a tough time building that attraction from nothing, but respect can increase or rather deepen my love and attraction for someone I am already attracted to.
> 
> I think there has to be some respect there already, along with sexual desire. I've had relationships of both types. It was tough to grow in respect for one, even though I wanted her any time, any place she was wanting me for sex.
> 
> ...


...and then while possessed by my frustrations once I manage to get my satisfaction I still feel like I am not really respected & admired. Thus the reason I value it so much and use it to assess the quality of my relationships. Perhaps judging others by projecting my own past guilt of what has transpired.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Don't go to counseling to get sex out of your wife... (assuming of course you are married). Bargaining for sex never works. If only it was that easy. You got to figure our your wife's buttons and push them. Get in touch with what you want and make her want those same things. Sometimes you got to push the envelope of the routine family man. Change it up a little. Most married men don't get laid because they got friend-zoned by their wife a looong time ago... Then they are shocked when they are riding every **** and charlie in town. I mean the sex was good once, right? What happened?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Not married. I'm sorry I gave that impression.


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