# I have no one to talk to



## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

Im new here. Im a 30 year old mother of 2 beautiful, perfect children. I have been married for almost eight years to someone who I considered to be my best friend. The first couple years of our marriage couldnt have been happier (to me anyway). When I was 9 months pregnant with our first child, he started a new job that he loved. It wasnt very long until he started talking about a woman that worked there with him. The first few months he would mention her a lot, mostly about how great she was at her job, things like that. It never bothered me until she started calling his cell while he was at home. I would ask what she was calling about, and it was always "work stuff" that I wouldnt be interested in. After several times of her calling, I told him I wasnt very comfortable with a woman calling him during weekends and evenings. Around this same time, he almost completely stopped mentioning her name around me. This went on for a very long time. (She is married btw). I always had nagging suspicions, but felt that I could trust him completely and that there was no way he would ever do anything to hurt me. A couple of years ago, we took a vacation to visit his family. I had a good time, until I caught him emailing her from his phone. I asked why it was necessary to be contacting her on OUR vacation. He blew me off and rolled his eyes at me and put his phone in his pocket so that I couldnt see what was said. I couldnt press it further since the kids were close by. He used his work email to communicate with her because he knew I had no access to it. So it pretty much ruined a good part of what was supposed to be a nice time with family for me. This happened on several occasions. He lived with his phone, even taking it to the bathroom with him while he got ready for work in the mornings. One day, he left his facebook account logged in on our main computer. Curiosity got the best of me so I glanced at his messages. The first one I see is him telling her how nice she looked in a particular blouse, all kinds of compliments with sexual overtones. I came unglued and told him I didnt want him talking with her at all. Thats where the "we're just friends" sh*t started coming out. He tried making me the guilty one by saying I wouldnt allow him to have any friends. The facebook messages ended, but the emails exploded. I poured my heart out to him and told him I felt threatened and uncomfortable with this "friendship" and that it needed to end now, before something worse happened. He promised he would keep all their communication at an appropriate level and apologized. I (and I feel so stupid for it now) believed him and thought things would be better. Not even a month later, I see an email on his phone to her signed "super secret bff", or something childish like that. My heart shattered, because I knew that he went to her and made jokes about me, telling her god knows what. He didnt take anything I had said seriously. I feel so betrayed and heartbroken. I saw this email in September of last fall, and Ive lost 30 pounds since then due 100% to depression. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I sure as Hell cant trust anything he says anymore. I do love him, but i feel like Ive lost my best friend. I have no one to talk to about the whole situation, or about anything for that matter. I usually lock myself in the bathroom after the kids are in bed and cry my eyes out. He has begged me to forgive him and says he is sorry, but he doesnt feel he did anything wrong. I need help and I dont know how to get it. Anyway, if youre still reading..thanks for listening.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. How terrible. 

How old are your children? I take it that you are a SAHM.

The first thing you need is abosolute proof of an affair, be it emotional or physcial as well. You need something to confront him with that he cannot deny and twist.

I assume you have access to the computer right? You could put a keystroke tracker on the computer. It will capture everything he does on the computer.

It sounds like that might be enough to get what you need.

Once you have the evidence you can confront him and give him the choice of ending all contact with her and working on your marriage or he has to leave.

At the same time you inform her husband of her affair. She will not be too busy trying to save her marriage to be ruining yours.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Considering he is 'working' with her you cant really stop it. The real question is if he did somehow manage to stop it would you be satisfied. Going to her H wont help you and could make things worse. Imagine her H divorced her, she would then take up fully with yours. You have really to decide if you can handle 3 in the marriage.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

I was in your shoes as well.1 of the women my h was messing with was also married.when i contacted her she flat out told me she was in love with my h & he was like a drug for her.she told me she had completely rearranged her life & marriage for my h.how everyday she could not wait to talk to him & see him on skype.her h had no idea about her cheating with my h.she would tell him she was going to visit family in another state but she met my h for sex.during that time frame she got pregnant she told me my h stopped all contact for months then she even send me the messages from my h where he started it rite back up with her.asking her for photos while she was prego i think he believed the baby was his..but by the grace of god the baby is not..found out last year.my h had so many women im still finding them..every since his 2nd deployment to iraq he totally changed & betrayed our vows.even now he is a totally different man.with that said there is still no excuse for cheating..if my h could just give me 1 good excuse & just talk to me as too why he did this i feel i could relate..but it wont change my inner feelings nor mind to leave.being married for 14yrs i feel i deserve some reason..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

accept said:


> Considering he is 'working' with her you cant really stop it. The real question is if he did somehow manage to stop it would you be satisfied. Going to her H wont help you and could make things worse. Imagine her H divorced her, she would then take up fully with yours. You have really to decide if you can handle 3 in the marriage.


Completely disagree here simply because form your side the marriage you had is already over. He is in an emotional affair. Your only hope now is to break up the affair. 

There are threads here about keyloggers. Educate yourself and put one on his computer. Get a VAR from walmart or Best Buy and put in his car with heavy duty velcro. 

Print out his cell phone text/call records. Do not say anything more about an affair untill you have proof. 

If he synchs his phone to the computer you can get copies of his texts.

When you get the proof contact her husband and show him the proof. It may be that they will break up their familiesto be with each other but the marriages are already trashed at this point.

You may also want to do the 180 to get you ready for the future whatever happens. Start reading here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html


Good luck and prayers for your family
Chap


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First, you need to decide whether you will accept another woman in your marriage. Your husband is likely having sex with her. Even if he's not, he's conducting an inappropriate friendship with another woman and greatly harming you in the process. Can you accept that kind of betrayal? If not, you need to be ready to file for separation and divorce. The rest of my post will assume that you refuse to accept this woman in your marriage.

As others have said, you need to investigate this to know exactly what you're up against. Since this has gone on for years with the same woman, the likelihood of them having sex is very high. Especially if they work together. Several of those late nights at the office may have been solely for sex.

But, you need proof. So, go with the keylogger. If he has a smartphone, you can install spyware on the phone so that you can read his texts, and even listen to his conversations. If his phone has GPS, you can even track the location of the phone to see if he's going to her house. If you can't listen to his conversation, use a voice-activated recorder placed under his car seat to record his side of conversations. Cheaters usually use their cars as private offices for conducting affairs. They may even be having sex in the car.

This may take a few weeks to gather enough information to see whether your husband is having sex with this woman, having an emotional affair, or simply disregarding your feelings and having an inappropriate friendship. In the meantime, you need to start running the 180. This means changing your needy behaviors 180 degrees from what hasn't worked until now. You need to stop catering to your husband and start catering to your kids and yourself.

So, get to the gym and get in shape. Get out and meet people. Get a hobby. Start enjoying yourself. I know you're crushed and can't imagine enjoying yourself, but you need to fake it. The act of smiling can actually improve your mood. So can doing enjoyable things when you would rather be sitting on your couch crying.

Oftentimes, the disloyal spouse will see the loyal spouse begin to pull away and realize that he is in danger of losing his family. This will sometimes snap him back to reality and he will recommit to the marriage. If that works, great. If not, at least you will be a more attractive person when you get back on the dating market.

Good luck.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Things have settled down a little. The w*ore quit her job, so they're not working together anymore at least. I'm still struggling with anger and depression. Some days are better than others. I sent her a message through Facebook telling her that there would be NO contact between the two of them ever again. I told her I tolerated the BS for as long as I was willing to. She responded by blocking me, but at least I know that she read it. I wish I had said so much more, but w/e. I have such deep seeded hatred for her it's scary. I know he is just as much to blame for how I feel, but I need him. As much as I hate to admit it, I do love and need him more than ever. There are times that I want to tell him to get out, but there are times that I can't stand to be 5 feet away from him. I ripped all the pictures of our past vacations off the wall. All of those memories are tainted now. I stopped wearing my wedding ring. I just want to feel normal again . We can't afford MC, and since the both of us work full time there's no time for anything like that anyway. I'm so confused. Thanks for letting me vent though. It does seem to help a little.


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