# How Should We Handle Finances When We See Money Differently



## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi all,

I'll try to keep it brief:

I have been with my partner for 5 years. I'm 41 and she is 34. We are both divorced. She has a 12 year old daughter. I care about her daughter although her father is well involved in her life and the agreement early on in the relationship is that I would not have to provide financial support for her. We have had a great relationship and she has been teasing marriage for some time. The main reason I am hesitant, aside from being a little gun shy since I was burned in marriage once already, is how different we see money. To note, she makes about $50K per year and I make $70K.

We have lived together 3 years. The first 2 years we lived together, her now 23 year old brother lived with us. The agreement was when I moved was to pay for 1/3 of the bills. While he admittedly has some mental health and addiction issues, he's presence took a financial tool on my partner and even me since he paid very little and for 6 months nothing at all since he lost his job and didn't bother to find another. While my partner paid for his share, I picked up the slack as far as the grocery bill and date nights so I was paying more than was agreed upon. Those two years were quite tumultuous for us but we got through it and the brother now lives with his gf.

I am mostly focused on saving, maybe investing and living on a budget. I still want to take trips and have dates but I do think its important to know where your money is going. My partner is more of a "you could die tomorrow" person and a common phrase she uses is "its just money". She does manage to pay her bills on time and has a average paying job but is always broke. In fairness, she has a child to support but she has no problem spending on tattoos, expensive art and spends a ton on her kid. Her kid just turned 12 and has the latest iphone and a common phrase at Christmas time is "I don't think her pile of gifts is big enough." So yes, she pretty spoiled.

I do support her child in many ways. We don't include her as someone living in the house so I essentially chip in for her to eat and live in the house and since my partner doesn't drive I make sure she gets to school, rehearsals, etc. My partner's ex is a bit of a bum. He chips in some but is mostly focused on getting pot than making sure his kid is taken care of.

In addition, my partner still occasionally gives money to her brother and other 2 siblings, aged 37 and 21 since they are heavy drinkers and smokers and not good with money.

Based on all of the above, you can see why I have some concerns about going through with marriage. In fairness to her, we have not had enough serious talks about this matter. We start to address it and it just ends up in a fight. Is there anyway we can get around this? Could we have separate bank accounts to spend money as we please but one joined account for the household bills?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It's unlikely your 34-year-old gf will change her spending habits. Marriage will likely mean a lot arguments about money. The fact is that there is no right answer. Your way is good. Her way is good. They are both valid and represent different life philosophies. Obviously it's bad if she's going way into debt, but it's not inherently wrong for her to be loose with her money.

But from reading threads here, it is likely to be a huge source of arguments in your relationship. It's one thing when you're bf-gf and you each have your own money. Once you are married, it's all the same. Her being loose with money means you will have a harder time saving for large expenses like cars, house, college, etc. And it means you will have to wait longer before you can retire and you'll have less money to retire on. If those kinds of things create resentment in you, it will create arguments in your relationship.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Finances are frequently the number one deal-breaker in marriage. Beware of your two disparate philosophies.

She comes with some baggage (most do). However, supporting her family can be too much.

I can see why you question marriage. You are essentially the only one that can make that choice. Do I want her (and all that goes with her) for the rest of my life? or not?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

wxman3441 said:


> Could we have separate bank accounts to spend money as we please but one joined account for the household bills?


You can have any financial agreement you want...you just have to both agree to it. I think you are very wise to be concerned about your own financial situation and I personally would be bothered by a partner that thought "it's only money". That is typically the philosophy of someone that, A) doesn't have much of it now, and B) won't have much of it in the future.

What's your 401K (or other retirement portfolio) looking like? What's hers looking like? My opinion is that you need to both be on the same page about finances before committing to marriage otherwise it is going to cause lots of problems.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

wxman3441 said:


> In fairness to her, we have not had enough serious talks about this matter. We start to address it and it just ends up in a fight.


You can't resolve conflicts about important matters now, how do you expect it's going to go after you get married? It doesn't magically get better when you sign on the dotted line which by the way represents a financial commitment- the one area where you don't see eye to eye.

Yes- keep separate accounts and have a joint house fund that you both contribute to, either 50/50 or based on a percentage of your income.

No- Do not consider marriage until and unless you figure out how to resolve conflicts without fighting about it.

There is no valid reason that the child's father isn't obligated to pay child support. No matter what she tells you about how much of a deadbeat he is. You are supporting the child because she's unwilling or afraid to go after him for it.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

What are your reasons for wanting to get married?

Do you want to have children with her? Be responsible for each other, and each other's families for the rest of your lives? What is the end goal here? I am trying to understand your motivation for getting married beyond the fact she is hinting about it. 

Like others have pointed out, finances are often seen as the number one cause of divorce. There are things a couple must see eye to eye on, finances, religion, to have kids or not etc are some of those essentials. 



wxman3441 said:


> My partner's ex is a bit of a bum. He chips in some but is mostly focused on getting pot than making sure his kid is taken care of.
> 
> In addition, my partner still occasionally gives money to her brother and other 2 siblings, aged 37 and 21 since they are heavy drinkers and smokers and not good with money.


You realize that these people will become your "family" right? And that your wife will probably never change her ways and continue to bail them out - that they will become your responsibility once she is your wife.


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