# Alpha/beta male, does it work in reverse too?



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

After reading here about how men need to be the alpha male to keep their wives turned on, I'm wondering if you men think the reverse is true. As in things happen to make a man feel like he's gone from alpha to beta and he loses his sex drive? I'm thinking this could be part of the issue with my husband. There are some larger things I'm trying to do to help
him feel alpha like buying a house. Right now we rent and he hates it. I feel like owning a house is part of his male identity somehow. He lost his house in his divorce and I know it makes him upset. 
I'm just wondering if there are little things I can do to make him feel more powerful or like I see him as an alpha? Or will that make it worse? 
Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

buy a house because you two want a house, not because you think that much money will help his ego. my hubs was married and divorced before we met and he just has his moods. I think he likes that I'm an alpha, assertive, pushy, smart. 

Just a small word of caution too, with men I dated, sometimes after divorce they hate all women and want to do us over one. So dont give out funds or put your name on anything(cosign) untill legally bound.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> After reading here about how men need to be the alpha male to keep their wives turned on, I'm wondering if you men think the reverse is true. As in things happen to make a man feel like he's gone from alpha to beta and he loses his sex drive? I'm thinking this could be part of the issue with my husband.


I think the direct causation is much lower for men. For example, testosterone is a big factor in sex drive. High T can also lead to alpha behavior, while low T can lead to beta behavior. Even though the beta and low sex drive are correlated, it's the T levels that are the underlying cause.

Of course, some betas have normal T levels. So you can't pin all male drive questions on that. I think you may be right. Alpha behavior can give a man confidence, which can raise his drive.



diwali123 said:


> I'm just wondering if there are little things I can do to make him feel more powerful or like I see him as an alpha? Or will that make it worse?
> Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As for little things, I suggest just taking a more submissive role in general. Let him decide inconsequential things. Let him order for you in a restaurant. Let him tie you up or spank you. It will seem natural for him to take on the dominant role if you are behaving submissively.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband is not an alpha type. He's a very nice guy type. I wouldn't want him any other way. We both have the same personality and we get along very well. We live in a peaceful home and are very happy. I truly appreciate everything my husband does for me. I'm the luckiest woman in the workd to have married such a kind and giving man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Alphas can be kind and giving too.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

diwali123 said:


> After reading here about how men need to be the alpha male to keep their wives turned on, I'm wondering if you men think the reverse is true. As in things happen to make a man feel like he's gone from alpha to beta and he loses his sex drive? I'm thinking this could be part of the issue with my husband.


 When men go through stressful times, it can lower their testosterone levels, which can affect their self confidence and their sex drive, even cause depression depending. Testosterone does affect mood and confidence. 

Here are some facts about Test - I have a couple books on it :


> This behavorial info is taken from a book I have on Testosterone.... called "The Alchemy of Love and Lust" ...
> 
> 
> *As to Behavior, Testosterone *:
> ...






> There are some larger things I'm trying to do to help him feel alpha like buying a house. Right now we rent and he hates it. I feel like owning a house is part of his male identity somehow. He lost his house in his divorce and I know it makes him upset.
> 
> I'm just wondering if there are little things I can do to make him feel more powerful or like I see him as an alpha? Or will that make it worse?


 Buying a house if you are not ready or would cause alot of debt would not be a wise thing. Just be there for him during this time, be faithful , undestanding and true. He needs your support, but allowing him to make the big decisions would be a good idea. Encourage that.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Alphas can be kind and giving too.


Coming off as kind and giving on this particular forum makes posters send the kind and giving poster to the men's clubhouse and are often given the man up speech.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ARF said:


> Coming off as kind and giving on this particular forum makes posters send the kind and giving poster to the men's clubhouse and are often given the man up speech.


There`s a difference between "Kind & Giving" and "Doormat".

It`s the latter I see getting the man-up lectures.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Yes - feeling insecure can have a big affect on your sex drive.

You could try being a bit more "submissive" in bed - but only buy a house if you are ready. If you can't afford it, things could get worse...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> As for little things, I suggest just taking a more submissive role in general. Let him decide inconsequential things. Let him order for you in a restaurant. Let him tie you up or spank you. It will seem natural for him to take on the dominant role if you are behaving submissively.


While this may help if the man is already trying to become more assertive, for a guy firmly relegated to the beta side I can tell you firsthand it does not seem natural at all to take on a dominant role in any of those examples you mentioned nor other similar ones I've been in. I realize for myself that over the course of my life I have been a completely submissive guy, for a lot of my life their were strong leaders and so life felt pretty good, there always seemed to be a purpose. But for a number of years I really haven't had anyone or anything to stand behind. It is actually depressing, lonely and frustrating to be like this in a situation like this... it affects everything, and when I hear guys talking about guy things I really am tired of trying to fake interest hoping to find something to be passionate about in life. I don't even really care except there seems to be no respect for men that are easily content, take care of business and avoid conflict - why the hell not?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lon said:


> While this may help if the man is already trying to become more assertive, for a guy firmly relegated to the beta side I can tell you firsthand it does not seem natural at all to take on a dominant role in any of those examples you mentioned nor other similar ones I've been in.


I get that it won't feel natural. The point is that, if you and your wife are in a restaurant and your wife tells you to order for her before going to the bathroom, when the server comes and asks for your orders, you won't feel like a monster who is victimizing your wife by ordering for her. It's little things like that that can begin to take a beta to a more balanced alpha/beta posture. And, of course, men have free will. Some men will absolutely refuse to become more assertive. So you can't help those guys. But most men, if their wives ask them to be more assertive, and then give them small, inconsequential ways to begin to assert themselves, will take on the challenge.



Lon said:


> I realize for myself that over the course of my life I have been a completely submissive guy, ... I don't even really care except there seems to be no respect for men that are easily content, take care of business and avoid conflict - why the hell not?


I wouldn't say there's no respect. We're talking about sexual attraction. Most women are attracted to men with some assertive, alpha qualities. That's just biology. Men are attracted to women with 0.7 waist to hips ratios. It's just life. That doesn't mean we can't respect other people. I can respect Janet Reno and find her sexually repulsive at the same time.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

I think many women, and men, misunderstand all the talk of Alpha and Beta qualities in a man. I see many women posting about how their man “is definitely Beta” and they prefer that. In these cases, where the wife is still sexually attracted to her “Beta” husband, I can almost guarantee that the husband has plenty of Alpha qualities. It’s simply the confusion on what Alpha and Beta is.

There are certain Alpha qualities that are a constant when it comes to being desired by a woman. One is physical fitness, or in a more general sense, the “strength” or at least the projection of strength by a man. A man in excellent physical condition, who works out or stays active enough to keep himself in good shape, is definitely an Alpha quality.

The other is being a bit dominant. Now I know many people will immediately see this as a man being domineering over a woman, and the argument ensues. Women are wired, by nature, to want a man who fills her thoughts of what would make him a good provider, a good Father and a good mate. It seems a lot of women don’t recognize this and will fight the notion. It’s like fighting the fact that men, by nature, are wired to be sexual creatures. Somewhere deep in our genetic code is the simple desire to spread our seed to every fertile woman we see. Do we do this? Most don’t. Should we do this? Of course not. But denying something is there simply doesn’t make it disappear.

I think the PUA and GAME websites have used the Alpha and Beta terminology so much, that it actually gets a negative connotation. Using Alpha qualities to attract your wife is great for a marriage. However, Beta qualities can be JUST as important.

If a guy is the ultimate “Man’s man” he would be considered Alpha. And initially a woman would be attracted to this, by her very nature. But I bet you that “Mr. Alpha” would soon lose a lot of luster in the woman’s eyes if they get married and he doesn’t help with the house, or pick up behind himself, help with the kids etc.

In almost all marriages, the impression that a man makes on a woman who eventually becomes his wife, is an early and definitely an Alpha impression. Let’s face facts ladies. When you see a man across the room, it’s not his cooking ability, his listening ability or his ability to express his feelings that initially attracts you. Denying that is just silly.

Ladies, if your husband was the pursuer in your relationship, guess what? That’s an Alpha quality.

Just like anything else, you can get too much of a good thing. It’s all about balance.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband is not an alpha type. He's a very nice guy type. I wouldn't want him any other way. We both have the same personality and we get along very well. We live in a peaceful home and are very happy. I truly appreciate everything my husband does for me. I'm the luckiest woman in the workd to have married such a kind and giving man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I remember correctly your husband is also in excellent physical shape (as were you if I remember) and he competed in competitions of some sort. Correct?

Guess what? That's DEFINITELY ALPHA!!!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

CantBeJustMe said:


> I think many women, and men, misunderstand all the talk of Alpha and Beta qualities in a man. ... It’s simply the confusion on what Alpha and Beta is.


I agree. Many people just take alpha qualities and extrapolate them to some cartoonish extreme. If someone says that women are attracted to alpha males, that must mean that women are attracted to goons who can't control their violent tendencies. It can't mean that women are attracted to men who are in shape and can command the attention of a group of people with witty banter.



CantBeJustMe said:


> I think the PUA and GAME websites have used the Alpha and Beta terminology so much, that it actually gets a negative connotation. Using Alpha qualities to attract your wife is great for a marriage. However, Beta qualities can be JUST as important.


It's for different purposes. PUAs are looking for sex with a minimum investment of time. In order to get a woman to have sex with you after spending 10 hours or less with her (perhaps spread across 2 or 3 dates), you've got to go all alpha. So they're using the terms correctly. But they have a different goal than Athol Kay, or this forum.

Also, because many people view PUAs negatively, they think that all their techniques and insights must be negative as well. And that's just silly. I won't argue the moral merits of trying for same-night lays with women in clubs, but it's inarguable that the insights that PUAs have in terms of female attraction can be used to great effectiveness in marriages.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

The house he lost was his castle. It is time to find him a new castle.

I know personally, I have worked very hard to have the house I have. If I ever lost it, I am sure it would be a blow to my ego.

Would it make my sex drive drop. Doubt it! My penis has a mind of its own.


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