# Confessing a crush to spouse



## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

My breakup story is in another thread on this forum. I mentioned there that I was not perfect or blameless. Here is one reason why...

About at the midpoint of my marriage with the ex (3-4 years in, 3-4 years from the end), I developed a fascination with a young and vivacious co-worker. [No, I was not having lunches with her!] We would chat during smoke breaks. Keep in mind that it was during the 90s - I would NEVER smoke or condone smoking in the 21st century :grin2:

I knew I was attracted to her. She knew it too, and would tease me about it in subtle ways. One time, at a party that my wife did not attend, I was sitting next to her. She told a story about a guy giving her unwanted attention, and illustrated her point by rubbing her shoulder into mine in an exaggerated manner. Sometimes it was just a look she gave. I never touched her or flirted with her in the usual sense of the word, but she was quite cute, and I am sure my demeanor changed in response to her charms.

So, what did I do? I was young and naive and thought that complete honesty and openness was the way to go. I told my [now ex-]wife about this young woman, that I liked her, and that I would like to make her a friend to both of us. But that I did have a little crush on her, and that we would have to work past that. 

An explosion of jealousy resulted, a fight simmering for a few weeks, and my [ex-]wife's demand that I cut off contact with the other woman. Which I did, except for the minimal requirements of actual work interaction. 

I understood from that experience that I had been stupid. It was insulting and wrong to tell my wife that I had a kind of crush on someone else. I should have strangled those thoughts myself before going to her. But I also understood that the idealistic view of sharing every thought with a spouse was also impossible. Actions are important, thoughts are sometimes best kept private. And it is not possible to have everything be put right all the time (or have everything bent to my wishes). Just because I liked this woman, that didn't mean it would be possible to bring her into my daily life.

I like to think that I am more mature about such issues now. But again, I am curious about forum members' thoughts. Would you tell your spouse/partner about feelings you might be developing for someone else? How would you act on those feelings?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

kekkek said:


> So, what did I do? I was young and naive and thought that complete honesty and openness was the way to go. I told my [now ex-]wife about this young woman, that I liked her, and that I would like to make her a friend to both of us. But that I did have a little crush on her, and that we would have to work past that.
> 
> An explosion of jealousy resulted, a fight simmering for a few weeks, and my [ex-]wife's demand that I cut off contact with the other woman. Which I did, except for the minimal requirements of actual work interaction.
> 
> ...


The inappropriate part wasn't so much having the crush, as these things happen because we are human, nor in telling your spouse, because honesty is important in a relationship. The bad part was that instead of recognizing you needed to eliminate the crush feelings and telling your spouse your plan for doing so, you created a plan to have MORE contact with your crush and expected your spouse to be on board with it!

The only appropriate way to act on feelings for another when you are in a monogamous marriage is to put some distance between yourself and the object of the crush so it fades out, and to take steps to strengthen the marriage.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Is there a need to say anything else?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The bad part was that instead of recognizing you needed to eliminate the crush feelings and telling your spouse your plan for doing so, you created a plan to have MORE contact with your crush and expected your spouse to be on board with it!


You basically asked her if she would be ok with being an audience to you and your coworker crushing on each other. Whut?


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> You basically asked her if she would be ok with being an audience to you and your coworker crushing on each other. Whut?


I know, right? But then I was all about expressing my oh so sincere FEELINGS. :smile2:


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

kekkek said:


> So, what did I do? I was young and naive and thought that complete honesty and openness was the way to go. I told my [now ex-]wife about this young woman, that I liked her, and that I would like to make her a friend to both of us. But that I did have a little crush on her, and that we would have to work past that.
> 
> An explosion of jealousy resulted, a fight simmering for a few weeks, and my [ex-]wife's demand that I cut off contact with the other woman. Which I did, except for the minimal requirements of actual work interaction.


I applaud your ex-wife for her restraint. Had it been me, there would have been no explosion of jealousy, rage, surprise, or any other emotion. However, I would have placed a 9-1-1 call to an attorney. Jeesh!


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I think that these types of things warrant a conversation ahead of time with how you as a couple want to handle the inevitable attractions or crushes that come up in the course of life.
Of course checking the temperature of the relationship is in order because sometimes even a hypothetical conversation becomes a huge fight.

I once confessed an attraction to my H with the thought that he would help to shield me from said person. (His friend) but he sort of backed out of the equation and told me that if we were into each other there was no hope for him. H also said he wished I had never told him.
This was very confusing to me because I honestly thought that coming clean was the best course of action. It left me feeling another confirmation that my H couldn’t handle hard conversations and (at the time) the belief that he was emotionally checked out of our relationship.

Now, after my EA and 5 years of reconciliation later, we handle these things very differently. I have better personal boundaries that I enact on my own before ever having to enlist H’s help and he has a much better understanding of what Im asking from him in the way of support. 
He also is more secure in knowing that I don’t want any connections outside of our marriage and one way to nip that in the bud is to tell him about it and let him know the things I’m doing to keep my healthy boundaries in place.

He also asks now when in doubt (or even paranoia) and I don’t make excuses or get mad at him I just calmly assure him of where I stand with whatever he needs to know.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kekkek said:


> I know, right? But then I was all about expressing my oh so sincere FEELINGS. :smile2:


Granted, but without the slightest whiff of consideration for your wife's feelings. Therein lay the problem. A potential self centred cheater in the making..............


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

aine said:


> Granted, but without the slightest whiff of consideration for your wife's feelings. Therein lay the problem.* A potential self centered cheater in the making.*.............


Of course my ex followed the opposite strategy. When she developed an attraction, she just let it develop and slept with the guy without telling me. Even when she got pregnant, she tried to spare my feelings by telling me about the guy only after she announced that she was pregnant. Very considerate :grin2:

I think the real problem in that relationship went beyond bad behavior. It was that we just weren't fully in love with each other. With hindsight, it was not a fully developed relationship. 

But that still leaves the question, would you tell at all about a crush? Or stifle it completely?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The bad part was that instead of recognizing you needed to eliminate the crush feelings and telling your spouse your plan for doing so, you created a plan to have MORE contact with your crush and expected your spouse to be on board with it!
> 
> .


Exactly the above. Some people amaze me in what they think is proper behavior......much less with their spouse !!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hence, my call for silence, not telling all.

Not telling anything.

In this instance, pulling one's head from one's backward behind.

Pulling away from the crush, pulling closer to one's spouse.

Or, getting divorced. Then pulling this crap out of the closet into the light of day.

Permitting one to play.

The ''play' likely will be a 'Tragedy'.

The new love likely to go up in flames during the Intermission.


TH-


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

here's the way you are honest:

Honey, I have noticed that I am really drawn to X, who I work with. I know this crush is dangerous to our marriage, so I am telling you in order to be accountable. Here is my plan for avoiding contact with her as much as possible. And would you mind coming by my work and us going out to lunch every week? That way my status as a married man and your presence may help her to back off too. I love you and don't want anything endangering our marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

kekkek said:


> Of course my ex followed the opposite strategy. When she developed an attraction, she just let it develop and slept with the guy without telling me. Even when she got pregnant, she tried to spare my feelings by telling me about the guy only after she announced that she was pregnant. Very considerate :grin2:
> 
> I think the real problem in that relationship went beyond bad behavior. It was that we just weren't fully in love with each other. With hindsight, it was not a fully developed relationship.
> 
> But that still leaves the question, would you tell at all about a crush? Or stifle it completely?


Stifle.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

We do not understand how one "developes" a crush while in a relationship. If either of us got to the point where another person could be "dangerous" to the marriage, it might put the wedding on pause.

To find someone attractive is normal. To develops a crush is overstepping boundaries. Actively engaging with a mutual crush, and getting a return on it, is cheating. If one requires assistance from your spouse to end the crush, the problem may be deeper than the crush. Would i divorce over a crush? Probably not. Would my opinion of my SO change, ever so slightly? Probably so.

A car has 2 pedals. One is for acceleration, the other is a brake. Do you really need to be taught WHEN to use the brake?


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

kekkek said:


> My breakup story is in another thread on this forum. I mentioned there that I was not perfect or blameless. Here is one reason why...
> 
> About at the midpoint of my marriage with the ex (3-4 years in, 3-4 years from the end), I developed a fascination with a young and vivacious co-worker. [No, I was not having lunches with her!] We would chat during smoke breaks. Keep in mind that it was during the 90s - I would NEVER smoke or condone smoking in the 21st century :grin2:
> 
> ...


Pretty stupid, and probably one of the dumbest things I've heard a married guy ever do.:scratchhead:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unless I'm missing my guess, you took the woman whom you now live with as your wife, vowing your love, faith, trust, and allegiance to no other!

Now if that's truly the case, exactly what entitles you to go to work on a new "crush?" If you want out of your existing marriage, then file!

But then again with your "confession," don't be too terribly surprised that you aren't soon served with divorce papers of your own ~ and deservedly so!*


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I tell my wife everything. No exceptions. Silly things happen. We laugh. My wife is never in the dark if we happen to meet a girl who has flirted with me. If anyone is going to be embarrassed it’s going to be the girl, not my wife.

Your plan to foster your crush was an odd choice. 

Maybe your wife started making her exit plan that day.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I am sort of dealing with the same thing. Getting some attention from a guy in workout class. He friended me on facebook and has sent a couple messages, all very innocent and about workout class. (since unfriended and go to different workout times from him now)
I told my IC about it. She thinks we should tackle this as a couple. However, if you know our past, if I went to hubby with this issue it would crush him. Not sure if I mentioned it here but a gal at his gym friended him and messaged him (innocent stuff) but I saw the messages and went ballistic. 

I'm not sure if, after what we've been through (affairs on both sides) we should tell the other one or set the boundary down and go on faith that the other spouse is holding the boundary and protecting the marriage. I can't hear that someone has a crush on him and is chasing him. I cannot. I'm guessing the same is for him. I stop it right away and I'm hoping he does too. 
I get that we're not being honest. But to be very very honest, we are both still so gun shy that something like this would put both of us over the edge. 
I don't know the answer to it. I would love for him to come to me with a crush and me take it in stride, trusting he'd do the right thing. I know myself. I can't. 
But do you leave the marriage over this?
If we had crushes on other people we would be done. That's how it starts, folks.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Hehe. Did you pre-plan that conversation with your wife in your mind beforehand and say to yourself 'Yea, that sounds reasonable' ?


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Years ago, when my XWW went back to work after DD2, she talked about her new boss a lot. One day, I jokingly asked "do you have a crush on him?" and she said "maybe a little" and we laughed about it. I didn't give it a second thought. He was older, bald and round, and married with three kids at the time. Looking back, I was completely and totally clueless. Naive. A trusting fool. I hadn't thought about that for years until she confessed to the 6-month affair she had with him, then I remembered and everything made sense. I'm not sure what I should've done in hindsight. Today, I wouldn't stand for it though. If my GF admitted to a crush on someone else, I'm out.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think it’s human nature to develop inconsequential crushes on other people even though married. Notice I omitted the happily part.

Feeling a crush toward someone is a signal that our attraction toward our spouse has lost its shine. It means we have to re-engage and find ways to polish the marriage.

Having inconsequential crushes here and there are not the same as having affairs here and there.

If a spouse admits to a crush, jealousy is the wrong response. The correct response is to put some zest back into the marriage so it feels shiny and new.

If a spouse gets a crush, confiding should only be done if the other one is resisting efforts to re-energize the marriage. IOW “I’m afraid that our marriage won’t survive if we don’t keep pouring energy into it. I don’t want to have a crush on some one else I want to have a crush on you!”


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

IOW “I’m afraid that our marriage won’t survive if we don’t keep pouring energy into it. I don’t want to have a crush on some one else I want to have a crush on you!”[/QUOTE said:


> this implies that it's somehow the other spouse's fault that their spouse is crushing on someone. it isn't.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Hehe. Did you pre-plan that conversation with your wife in your mind beforehand and say to yourself 'Yea, that sounds reasonable' ?


Just naive and foolish, rushing into things. :laugh:


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

different strokes for different folks i guess. 

my wife and i tell each other about our crushes all the time. we decide what we are going to do about it and stick to our plan, while keeping each other informed. 

typically, it means we just laugh about it. every once in a while someone will pique our interest and we will discuss it further. then again, we aren't really monogamous, so there is that. 

still though, i think its a good thing to have the kind of security in our partners that allows them to tell us such things so that we can act accordingly, but i understand that that kind of security in a relationship is kinda rare.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> We do not understand how one "developes" a crush while in a relationship.


Curious, how long have your partner and you been together? More than 10 years? 

I am sure some couples can stay together for decades and be "crush proof" - but in my experience, after the years wear on, and complacency sets in, its not too unusual to become vulnerable to the new and exciting attention of someone fresh. I know for a good 10 years I didn't even notice other men, even if a friend pointed out that they were hitting on me heavily - "really?!? I didn't notice!" I would say. But the years wore on, and we were not "tending to the garden" that is our marriage - and yes, we became vulnerable to crushes. 

And because we became vulnerable to crushes..... both of us have cheated, and honestly learned so much in the process of reconciliation. 



As'laDain said:


> different strokes for different folks i guess.
> 
> my wife and i tell each other about our crushes all the time. we decide what we are going to do about it and stick to our plan, while keeping each other informed.
> 
> ...


And this is where we are today. We are monogamous, but allowed to flirt a bit with others, we share (talk, videos etc) with other couples, the difference is now, that everything is above board. Nothing is hidden, we can talk about crushes, and actually enjoy the bit of excitement it adds to our lives. 

If I had talked about my crush, before that line was crossed - It would have prevented me from cheating in the first place - So yeah, I think its a wise thing to do. 

But, on the other hand, I understand we CAN talk about this stuff now, because we were forced to. I admit, I am not sure how that conversation would have went if I came home one day and confessed "you know that guy I talked about? I think he is pretty hot and it seems like he is hitting on me". I DO know that I would have expected my husband to demand that I distance myself, sure as hell wouldn't ask to bring him around as a new friend!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I shouldnthave said:


> Curious, how long have your partner and you been together? More than 10 years?
> 
> I am sure some couples can stay together for decades and be "crush proof" - but in my experience, after the years wear on, and complacency sets in, its not too unusual to become vulnerable to the new and exciting attention of someone fresh. I know for a good 10 years I didn't even notice other men, even if a friend pointed out that they were hitting on me heavily - "really?!? I didn't notice!" I would say. But the years wore on, and we were not "tending to the garden" that is our marriage - and yes, we became vulnerable to crushes.
> 
> ...


yeah, that WAS a pretty bonehead move on his part...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

katies said:


> this implies that it's somehow the other spouse's fault that their spouse is crushing on someone. it isn't.





anon pink said:


> *confiding should only be done if the other one is resisting efforts to re-energize the marriage*. IOW “I’m afraid that our marriage won’t survive if we don’t keep pouring energy into it. I don’t want to have a crush on some one else I want to have a crush on you!”


If only one person is working on the relationship it’s unlikely to be successful.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

So, if you feel I am "resisting" re-energizing the relationship, telling me that you are developing feelings for another will result in me, going holy shot!, I had better up my game, whine and dine her. Compete with the other fellow for her affections! The pick me dance!!!

Ummm, no. 

And here is why. You teach people how to treat you, but they also teach you how THEY can be treated. If your boundaries are so loose to develope feelings for another, then that is how you think. Good to know! Now, if I go down that road, be sure to be as understanding as you wish me to be. When I develop a crush to the point that it is a danger to the relationship, please forgive my actions because we are talking about it. And by the way, dress a little more sexy, lose some weight, initiate sex and give better bjs. Dont worry about my cute younger coworker that has the hots for me,(and me for her!), just buy me things and ignore that lipstick on my collar.

There is not one single woman I have been with that would go for that. I would not expect understanding or re-energization. I would expect a slap.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

TheBohannons said:


> So, if you feel I am "resisting" re-energizing the relationship, telling me that you are developing feelings for another will result in me, going holy shot!, I had better up my game, whine and dine her. Compete with the other fellow for her affections! The pick me dance!!!
> 
> Ummm, no.
> 
> ...


your right. better to hide it, say nothing, and always carry an extra clean shirt so as to hide the lipstick on the collar.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> your right. better to hide it, say nothing, and always carry an extra clean shirt so as to hide the lipstick on the collar.


Golly jeez, your right! That is better! Silly us. Thinking that not letting it get that far was a better option!


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## johnnywalker (Apr 17, 2018)

Steelman said:


> Pretty stupid, and probably one of the dumbest things I've heard a married guy ever do.:scratchhead:


:smthumbup:


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

johnnywalker said:


> :smthumbup:


:surprise:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> I think it’s human nature to develop inconsequential crushes on other people even though married. Notice I omitted the happily part.
> 
> Feeling a crush toward someone is a signal that our attraction toward our spouse has lost its shine. It means we have to re-engage and find ways to polish the marriage.
> 
> ...


A very brave thing, this.

Prepare to be torn 'into' by the resisting spouse. 
It there is any love left, this may do the trick.

If there is little left, it will leave....then.

Either way, it will likely change from bad to better.

Or from bad to worse.
From worse to gone.

..............................................................................

This crush 'admission' will surely be thrown in the confessers face at every argument and opportunity.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TheBohannons said:


> We do not understand how one "developes" a crush while in a relationship. If either of us got to the point where another person could be "dangerous" to the marriage, it might put the wedding on pause.
> 
> To find someone attractive is normal. To develops a crush is overstepping boundaries. Actively engaging with a mutual crush, and getting a return on it, is cheating. If one requires assistance from your spouse to end the crush, the problem may be deeper than the crush. Would i divorce over a crush? Probably not. Would my opinion of my SO change, ever so slightly? Probably so.
> 
> A car has 2 pedals. One is for acceleration, the other is a brake. Do you really need to be taught WHEN to use the brake?



Is the clutch meant for masturbation in a sexless marriage then ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

kekkek said:


> But that still leaves the question, would you tell at all about a crush? Or stifle it completely?


Your question was already answered on the very first post:



Hopeful Cynic said:


> The inappropriate part wasn't so much having the crush, as these things happen because we are human, nor in telling your spouse, because honesty is important in a relationship. *The bad part was that instead of recognizing you needed to eliminate the crush feelings and telling your spouse your plan for doing so, you created a plan to have MORE contact with your crush and expected your spouse to be on board with it!*
> 
> The only appropriate way to act on feelings for another when you are in a monogamous marriage is to put some distance between yourself and the object of the crush so it fades out, and to take steps to strengthen the marriage.


So, all I can say is:

:slap:


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