# EXCESSIVE marital arguing...



## Melshizadek (May 25, 2015)

Hey all, I'm feeling a little hopeless. 

My wife and I have been married almost three years. We argue a lot. I do believe we love each other, but we have a "crazy cycle" that starts easily and seems to have no end. I mean, we are able to get into big dumb fights over silly things that carry on too long, until eventually we end up saying hurtful things. 

But it always feels like we’re recovering from the last fight. Sometimes while we’re recovering, a new one will start. Lately, it’s been VERY draining to both of us. The last few days we haven’t even spoken much. What little we have, hasn’t been that good. It’s felt like we’ve reached a new level of bitterness towards each other… a new level of not even wanting to try. 

The level of defensiveness we both display is ridiculous. We can easily get into a fight over misunderstood body language and facial expressions. It’s hard for either one of us to say anything without the other person taking it wrong and turning it into a fight. 

For the most part, our fights have all been pretty civil. No physical stuff. We’re not being too derogatory or anything. It’s just… good old fashioned bitterness. Good old fashioned defensiveness, criticism and stonewalling. 

I believe in marriage, and don’t ever want to divorce. I don’t plan on it either, but we’ve both expressed at times that we feel hopeless in this. That we don’t see things getting better. To make matters more complicated, she’s pregnant now. We know we’re only going to be giving this kid a roller-coaster life if things don’t change. 

Any thoughts?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Have you heard of the Love & Respect books/conferences? I don't agree with everything thing in the book, but the author talks about this crazy cycle. Maybe you and your wife could go through that book and the corresponding workbook.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

How old are you both?

What do you argue over?

How is your sex life?

Do you still date and do you have plans to date after your child is born?


Sounds like there is so much resentment between you that there is no breathing room to create meaningful bonding experiences. You must stop the yelling and bickering immediately. Since you posted and we don't have your wife's side of the story, let it begin with you.

When you sense the tension rising, stop talking and LEAVE THE ROOM. Do not engage in an argument. Do not let her try and ruffle your feathers until you yell back. If you say anything, let it be something curt like, "we can discuss it when we are both calm" or "I will not continue this discussion as long as your voice is raised" and leave the room.

Completely stand down, do not fire quantum torpedoes. Lead by example. Hopefully, over time, she will associate you leaving the room as things getting too heated, and she will learn to raise issues in a calmer tone.

My honest opinion is that when a couple yells as frequently as you two seem to, and it's exhausting you both, that there is going to be either a LOT of work to salvage the lost respect or you just are no longer compatible because your love banks are running on empty.

But, you should always do your best to diffuse the hostility before you make a judgement call on the future of the relationship.

ETA: Also wanted to mention that YOU taking the lead in diffusing the situation is beneficial for both of you, but mainly it's looking out for her. You must always be very careful of high blood pressure during pregnancy. She could be encouraging a lot of excess strain on her body with the constant yelling. But don't let her off easy. Women have been getting pregnant for thousands of years and it's no excuse to go rampant about tearing you a new one... she has to own her behavior... just be aware.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You two need to educate yourselves on healthy relationships and healthy conflict resolution. Your best bet is to start going to an MC who will help you PRACTICE healthy resolution.


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

I agree with what other posters have said about looking into getting some MC to learn better ways of resolving conflicts.

I think it's also a good idea to pick your battles and remember that your wife is a wonderful but imperfect human being with flaws. 

Everytime you get cross about something or feel the urge to snap at her - take a breath and think to yourself 'is it really worth it'?

For example my beloved is apparently allergic to closing cupboard doors. I go into the kitchen or bedroom and find that every cupboard door is wide open. 

I could have a go at him and complain about the fact that he continues to leave cupboard doors open.

Or, I could accept the fact that I married an 'opener' and let it go. I remind myself that he is a wonderful husband and father and the 0.2 seconds it takes me to close the cupboard doors are not that big of a deal. 

I hope you both resolve your issues.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

First of all, congratulations, you are going to be a father. That is great news.

You have had a lot of good advice about arguing already, so some of what I say is somewhat similar to what has already been said. Apologies if it is insufficiently different but I hopeit adds a bit.

It takes two to argue, so you can put an end to this yourself by simply not getting involved in any arguments with your wife.

Rule 1 is never to say anything that provokes her to argue back. Easier said than done, I know, but there is a skill to this. Partly it is knowing when to keep your mouth shut, but also identifying topics for discussion/remarks that will not give rise to arguments. Complimenting her, for example, is usually a pretty safe way into a conversation or discussion, so look for good things to say to her about herself. Agreeing with her whenever you can is also a good strategy. Remember things where you have agreed with her so that you can remind her that you are on the same page on the relevant issue.

Rule 2 is not to rise to the bait when she says something annoying. Sure, leave the room if you need to, but even better is if you can just let things wash over you. Look for a calm way to respond to her even if it takes a few minutes. If you need time, say 'I would like to think about that for a while' before replying to her.

It took me a long time to realise that the men who are regarded as genuinely 'cool' are considered such because they react calmly to what life throws at them. You cannot control what life throws at you or what your wife says but you can control your own reactions. Learn to be that cool, calm, laid-back guy. Not easy, I know, but it can be done.

Good luck and have fun being a father.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It takes two to argue. If she raises her voice, YOU don't have to participate.

You want better?

Stop participating.

It really is that easy.


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## Melshizadek (May 25, 2015)

Hey all... sorry for my absence. It's been a while since I've been here. 

Anyways, we're still together, and I can't say things have gotten any better. In some ways, the arguing has diminished, yet I wouldn't count that as a gain, as it usually only means one or both of us desert the situation in frustration of each other. It's hard to argue when you're not together much. Yet, that seems to be the safest way to avoid tension. 

I myself have always been a fan of things like marriage counseling. And, reading books together. Someone here mentioned something about the "Love And Respect" books. I think they're great, and would gladly give up every free weeknight we have together to go through the series and learn. From what I hear, not many men are as interested in doing this. I however dream of it, and only wish it was something we both wanted to do. Of course, all of this is coming from me. If you asked her, she'd say that she's interested too. Yet, I would still claim that despite how interested she says she is, she always seems to not want to do it when the time comes. Or, to do it as often as it is needed. Truth be told, we should probably be going through a book like "Love & Respect" every year, in my opinion. We can't even seem to get through one book in our four years together. 

Anyway, we don't have much money for counseling. Nor do we have much time. I would love it if there were some type of marriage group nearby that we could join, but our luck so far finding helpful people has not been the best. Some aren't very qualified. Some can't really relate. Some don't have the time, or the desire. It's hard to find someone who really wants to invest in you. I'm learning how valuable that is. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Melshizadek said:


> For the most part, our fights have all been pretty civil. No physical stuff. We’re not being too derogatory or anything. It’s just… good old fashioned bitterness. Good old fashioned defensiveness, criticism and stonewalling
> 
> Any thoughts?


My thought is there is nothing good about it at all.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Do you belong to a church? If you do, perhaps there is a pastor or other person with experience (and Titles) with marriage counseling to help you learn how to interact in more healthy ways, and they will do it as a ministry to God (IOW free for you.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Melshizadek said:


> Hey all... sorry for my absence. It's been a while since I've been here.
> 
> Anyways, we're still together, and I can't say things have gotten any better. In some ways, the arguing has diminished, yet I wouldn't count that as a gain, as it usually only means one or both of us desert the situation in frustration of each other. It's hard to argue when you're not together much. Yet, that seems to be the safest way to avoid tension.
> 
> ...


There are marriage encounter weekends that are very helpful. Many churches hold them. If you are not religious, I believe that there are also non-religious ones.

https://alifetimeoflove.org/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's an additional idea... set a weekly marriage meeting for say 1 or 2 hours. Say Saturday afternoon. Tell her that you want her to do it with you. 

Have drinks (tea, coffee, whatever) and snacks or desert. Just something light. Kinda make a date out of it. If she does not show up... you sit there, read the books and enjoy your snack/desert.... she cannot have any unless she joins you. It's the "if you build it they will come" idea.


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## Melshizadek (May 25, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Do you belong to a church? If you do, perhaps there is a pastor or other person with experience (and Titles) with marriage counseling to help you learn how to interact in more healthy ways, and they will do it as a ministry to God (IOW free for you.)


You would think... but like I was saying, this has proven a far more difficult task than I would have assumed, either because the right people aren't free enough, willing enough, driven enough, or the ones are are free and willing and driven, simply aren't the "right people" for other reasons. Perhaps they have never had marital struggles like ours and therefore can't assist. Etc.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Have her come on here. We can mediate!


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

Melshizadek said:


> You would think... but like I was saying, this has proven a far more difficult task than I would have assumed, either because the right people aren't free enough, willing enough, driven enough, or the ones are are free and willing and driven, simply aren't the "right people" for other reasons. Perhaps they have never had marital struggles like ours and therefore can't assist. Etc.


Please refer to my username. There is nothing unique or different about your issues that have not been experienced by SOMEONE before. 

I personally can relate to "almost nothing" triggering an argument. Upon reflection in my case it was almost always me expecting her to belittle me or criticize me in some way. I was an overfilled balloon and she a sharp tack. Bad combination!

Like you, I think marriage should be permanent if possible. So, I let the air out of myself so the tack doesn't cause an explosion any more. I also calmly explained to her what I was doing, how I had been feeling and she backed off a bit as well. Now the situations you describe are are all but non-existent.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

NothingsOriginal said:


> Like you, I think marriage should be permanent if possible.


I'm thinking that just about everyone who exchanges their vows believes marriage is permanent.

Until of course, it's not.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

The way it sounds, most of your arguments are fairly petty. If you want to stop an argument, think about what you're arguing about and just walk away from it.

Walk into another room. If she follows, trying to continue the argument, refuse to argue with her.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm reading a lot of excuses and not much action at all to help resolve the issues. 

If you don't make resolving this a priority, then you can assume nothing will ever change. Your child will grow up in a verbally abusive environment, learn that yelling is a normal part of marriage, and carry on your legacy in his/her own relationship. Before that time you will more than likely escalate to hitting each other. 

This is not just going to be about you two.

Start taking the simple, no-cost, DO-ABLE actions people have recommended and start saving money for therapy.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

You have to lead by example. Don't wait for your wife to take charge. 

Are there things that you do that she doesn't like, such as video games or spending too much time on your phone?
If so, cut back on those for the sake of your marriage. Help more around the house.

Cut each other a lot of slack.
Be patient with one another.
A soft voice, a gentle word will go a long way.
Before you say anything, ask yourself if your words will build her up or will it tear her down.
Memorize and repeat the biblical definition of love once a day: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
There's a reason why you chose the username Melshizadek...


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