# Can't go out with other people without him feeling guilty?



## JustJane (Jun 18, 2011)

I overheard my husband and his friend talking about going to play poker tonight. This is a good thing, even though I was looking forward to just being together on my rare night off from working. It's a good thing, because he will have the opportunity to meet some new men and possibly forge new friendships. So, I say to him, "I'll go hang out with my girlfriend and her friends tonight at the weekly outdoor concert." My friend has been asking me to go for a few years. Sometimes their husbands attend as well. 

Well, this little comment started him into a downward spiral. He makes many comments such as, "I thought we would go (to the concert) sometime when we could go together" and "I shouldn't have agreed to go to this guy's house tonight for poker." Really??!!?? My one little statement got me all of this? 

I did what I normally do, which is telling him to go and have a good time. "I'll stay home. No big deal." Yep...I'm a wuss and I know it. The thing is I do want him to go. We're mostly always together when we're not working. For both of us, our "other friends" time only consists of having lunch with said friend every other month or so. I certainly understand him wanting to attend these weekly outdoor concerts with me, but every time the opportunity arises he declines and we just stay home. The last part of the previous sentence is why I didn't even bring up the possibility of going tonight. Sometimes I think he's too protective of me and other times I think he's incredibly insistent of our image as a couple to others.

Clearly I'm not finding the right words to keep him from feeling guilt for going out with the guys. So for tonight, he'll go and feel guilty the entire time. This is not my intention and I tell him this. I want him to have a good time, but I am miffed I'll be staying home to appease whatever is in his brain about me going to do something with the ladies.

Any suggestions of how I could better communicate this to him so perhaps we can both go off and do things with other people?


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## faithfulwife85 (Jul 4, 2011)

I feel like my husband is the same way but, instead my husband and I work together and never spend anytime apart.
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Mine is the same. Hold your ground. If you have to stay home for him to go out, is he feeling guilt or being controlling? I say the latter. However, I don't believe it is conscious. They actually believe it is guilt. What it is is assuaging their insecurity.
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## faithfulwife85 (Jul 4, 2011)

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who is going through this. :/
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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He wants to go out, but you have to stay home? :scratchhead:
I don't know why you would tell him you would do that.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Because she really wants to encourage him to go out and have a life. She did it out of love.
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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

If it happens again, be firm, hold your ground, go out and have a good time. Don't put your social life on hold because of your husband. You need to stiffen that backbone of yours.


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## JustJane (Jun 18, 2011)

It was guilt, pure and simple. I'm discovering as I'm getting older (and more secure with myself), he really is an insecure person and seems to be becoming more insecure. Although when I think about it, the signs have always been there. If an argument erupts, he's quick to say he's to blame. Drives me nuts! I only want to find out what he thinks the problem is to assess if I need to make some sort of change in myself...to help the relationship along. 

As far as the outdoor concert, I did go. I waited until he left and then went. I sent a text message to him after I arrived and found my friends to let him know where I was. I also let him know his best friend was there "carousing for women". His friend is good at this and we both know it. So I had accountability all the way around for where I was and with who. Perhaps next time, he will go with me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Jesus Christ take my wife with you. She's a damn anchor who never leaves the house. At least she's asleep by 8:30 the latest so that's kind of like being left alone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustJane said:


> Sometimes I think he's too protective of me and other times I think he's incredibly insistent of our image as a couple to others.


What do you mean by this?

My advice is to tell him you would like to spend some time with your friends outside of your marriage. It's totally normal to have an outside life apart from your marriage (and healthy). It sounds like the problem is within him.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think saying you will stay home but then going out anyway eroded trust.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Agree. Not sure why you weren't honest from the beginning.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Maybe she really was going to stay home, but after she thought about it, she changed her mind and decided she really wanted to go after all, and did just that. For me "too protective"= insecure. If she didn't call and let her hubby know were she was, that could have been a problem, but she called and let him know she basically changed her mind and decided to go. On top of that he would do the old bait and switch. Lets go to a concert together. No lets stay home, I don't want to go to the concert after all. Lets wait till we can go together. No l want to stay home.
What the hell do you expect this poor woman to do???? Honestly the guy is being a jerk.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

She said she waited until after he left...

Reread.
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## JustJane (Jun 18, 2011)

Sorry...I just now figured out how to track my own darn thread, so it got lost in the shuffle.

Bab is correct. I was planning on remaining at home, but changed my mind as opposed to sitting at home stewing over the unfairness. I didn't need to get so ticked I spouted off angrily towards him later, which would have been highly likely. It's not about trust issues or me trying to circumvent him. It's about the ridiculousness of his response beforehand. I did ask him about it the next day and he was concerned I would have no one to talk to me, since I would be there alone. Really? He thinks no one will talk to me unless he's by my side? He's confusing much of the time.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I would like to hear his side.

You said you waited until he left. Now you say you changed your mind.
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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

JustJane said:


> Sorry...I just now figured out how to track my own darn thread, so it got lost in the shuffle.
> 
> Bab is correct. I was planning on remaining at home, but changed my mind as opposed to sitting at home stewing over the unfairness. I didn't need to get so ticked I spouted off angrily towards him later, which would have been highly likely. It's not about trust issues or me trying to circumvent him. It's about the ridiculousness of his response beforehand. I did ask him about it the next day and he was concerned I would have no one to talk to me, since I would be there alone. Really? He thinks no one will talk to me unless he's by my side? He's confusing much of the time.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this isn't guilt, this is control. He wanted you to stay home and when he found out you wouldn't, he started in with I feel guilty so that you would stay home. His promise to take you to the concert never came to fruition and he makes excuses but when you were able to go with your friends, suddenly it becomes an issue. Control, not guilt my dear. 
You should really spend some time in the Men's Clubhouse. They often talk about fitness tests. This was one of them. He was testing you and hoping you would say I'll stay home. Next time, just smile at him and say "Honey, no need to feel guilty....I sure don't".


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