# He wants it, I don't, is it over?



## falkenstein

My husband wants a divorce, he is very stubborn on the issue despite my efforts to please him. I love him so much and can't/won't imagine life without him. I made a promise to God to be with him through everything. We have two young children. 8 and 5 years old. He is really serious, although he has not pursued a lawyer yet. He has told me he doesn't love me, doesn't want me, he doesn't want me to make him happy, and just wants me to leave. He doesn't want to make me happy anymore. He has all his emotions turned off. I caused the initial argument, and regret it deeply. I noticed him being distant from me, but not only me, our children as well. that is what our argument began as. We haven't had God in our marriage, but this has made me turn to him more than ever. I have faith we can get through this, I don't want our family broken.

I have prayed every chance I can every day since. The odd thing is, when I feel we are doing good, (he calls me willingly from work to talk, sleeps in the same bed, we even spent time together on a walk alone) I wake up to find him pulling away again, changing clothes with the door shut, and he changed my picture off his phone. He shows so much anger toward everything, I've been praying for him and for us, but I'm beginning to lose hope. I love him, he is my husband. but he doesn't want me, doesn't care if I love him, and more. I ask you all for prayers for my family to stay together as one, wholesome, and filled with love. We've been together 10 years and married since 2008. He said he would see a counselor with me, but just to please me, that he won't change his mind, and nothing will. so please pray, pray hard, this is the only thing i have ever reached out for help with. thank you a million times.
__________________


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## GusPolinski

What was the nature of the initial argument?


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## Mr.Fisty

What is happening with the hot/cold treatment is when he or you stop paying attention to the relationship, he wants to connect again. It is attraction. Once he gets you, he loses attraction again. I suggest you start working on you, improving your own life, because in the end, if he decides to leave, there is nothing you can really do. Holding someone from leaving is also selfish.

He may have issues with intimacy, since he is that way towards the children as well. If you let him go, make it difficult for him to return, such as therapy and he is on probation until you can trust him enough through his actions that he is worth bonding to again.

From the sounds of it, he has trouble maintaining attachments and is not comfortable with intimacy. His issues are his, and you are too codependent. You lower your self worth by letting him do as he pleases. He is free to come and go from the relationship. You should be worrying about your own well-being. Your children will end up like their father, someone who fears intimacy, or a codependent who sacrifices themselves because of fear and anxiety.


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## Happilymarried25

Don't leave your house. If he wants to leave them he should leave the house. Could he be having an affair? Why did he all of a sudden decide he doesn't love you anymore. Sounds fishy to me.


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## aine

This does not make sense out of the blue all of a sudden. You have to dig deeper. He sounds like a bit of a controller to me, keeping you on tenterhooks. Is he punishing you for the argument, was it so serious, what was it about?


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## aine

Ask HIM to move out


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## jld

Let him go. He sounds unstable.


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## lifeistooshort

Who is he cheating with? Seriously, if you were a man with the same scenario that would've been the first thing posted.

Unless you had an affair..... that's different. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove

My gut tells me the same thing that several others have already suggested --- he either is having an affair or wants one, likely is at least having an emotional affair. You need to ask him if there is someone else and don't apologize for asking. If he has nothing to hide, then he should be willing to be up front with you. He needs to delete his FB account, because he is likely talking to someone there and that's probably the reason why he deleted your picture. He wants to make it look like he is available. There may be more, so be ready for it.

Don't let him off of the hook. Make him talk to you. Don't be satisfied with yes or no answers. Let him know that you are not going to be satisfied until he tells you how he feels... and you tell him how you feel also. Listen to him. Apologize if you need to. Change what you can change.

And be ready for the work that may be in front of you if you want your relationship to be repaired. It's not easy, but it is the best option in the long run.


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## Orange_Pekoe

What caused your initial argument?
Why is he cold and angry toward you? (You mentioned you caused the initial argument and deeply regret it.)


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## cdbaker

I'm going to concur with the suspicion of an affair. That's the first thought that came to mind, strongly, after reading your post. I would keep your eyes opened for any possible nefarious activities. Is he clinging to his smartphone a lot? Disappearing to other parts of the house alone more frequently? Has he added password protection or changed passwords to any of his accounts/devices? An affair just seems really highly plausible from what you have described.


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## Lon

If he has gone outside of the marriage then the vows have already been broken and you can let him go. If there is no extra-marital influences, then he is still not living up to his vows by neglecting you and threatening the dissolution of the marriage.

In marriage you are in or you are out, it takes two ins to work and only one out to end. He needs to get off his fence and commit to the vows he swore or to abandon them. If he refuses to work at coming to a decision then he is the one who is abandoning the covenant and it is between him and god.

If he threatens divorce or separation, then tell him to leave, do the 180 recommended on here for your own strength and contact a lawyer to draft the legal paperwork.

If he wants to save the marriage and has not broken it already, then get him to marriage counselling with you and spend some time on this forum. If he's adulterated but is remorseful and repentant (which he clearly isn't at the moment) then it's both of your choices whether or not you wish to start a new marriage with each other.


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## Maneo

A marriage rarely, if ever, ends as the result of one argument. I suspect there is more to the difficulties you are experiencing in the relationship. After a decade of marriage there is history that should tell more. If the change in his behavior has been sudden, then, as others have suggested, there may be other things going on in his life outside the marriage. If he is adamant about a divorce, your alternatives may be limited. Surely there is more to this story.


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## Tobin

All this praying you're doing isn't having any effect, so it's time to take matters into your own hands. Stop being so available to him, it makes you out to be less than a person, if that makes sense. It puts him on a pedestal, it gives him and his needs all the importance and does nothing for you. Your position is one of being weak and unattractive. 

Tell him if he wants out, you're good with it and point to the door. Why he thinks you'd be the one to leave is rather presumptive, don't you think?


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