# What should I do here? Advise please!



## uncertain- (Dec 26, 2016)

Hi

I have been reading TAM for about 6 months....

This is my story so far, Ill try and make it not too long but I'm after some advice or thoughts of my situation...

A bit of background....My partner and started out as friends sharing a house together 21 years ago, it was just the two of us and on searching for a flat to share. We started a sexual relationship during this time of looking for a flat. He never asked me out but we were living like a couple in a way but had separate bedrooms but he never really slept in it. He preferred the couch which put him outside my room but not in it. We have always had a very sexually connected relationship, great sex.During this time I worked and studied, he had issues with anxiety and wasn't able to work or study. Even though we had this living arrangement I didn't feel like we were a couple but others saw that we were more than room mates. I remember one comment he made to me then that I have never forgotten. It was a gentle "I want to love you, I have tried but I just (can't or don't) I felt really ashamed and unlovable... I should point out that during this time I still saw two of my ex boyfriends but as friends. A tennis game etc. He didn't seem to mind but if I look back now knowing him so well it's obvious that he did but never said that he did mind. He didn't make me feel like his girlfriend as he would never share my bed, never spent the night in it so I guess I saw that he just didn't want that from me. 

Anyway many months later he wanted to move to somewhere that was 2 hours away from where we were living, he said that I could come too if I wanted too. We looked for a place together, found one.. I was still studying and working in the same area so I was never really home unless it was the weekend. He remained isolated here as well and didn't really see much of his friends or family. I had a full life but due to his anxieties he didn't join in. We still had separate bedrooms and he would just come in in the mornings for sex. We would read stories to each other and had good conversations and live like we were a couple but in a strange way. 

We moved again and things were not good. Well they were as normal but with this move and I graduated from Uni, I got a different job and I finished late a night and was often stayed back for a drink with the other workers, he again didn't join us. I would have loved for him to be part of it. He would sometimes come down and tell me it was time to come home though. I was having fun but he was not. When I say fun I just mean laughing. I never cheated on him or had any intentions in doing so I never have. I loved him. I did have comments from people as to why I was with him? I only add this as it has been a question I have been asked many many times, but I'm not sure why?

Anyway he got nasty during this time when he accused me of being pregnant. I had no idea that I was late but he must have had more of a mental note on these things than I did. As didn't realize that I was nearly a week late. He was very angry and resentful. Mind you he used to meet me in my lunch break and we would sleep together, he was always wanting sex. I now realize that he felt trapped and I have recently found out that before this happened he was thinking about leaving me but didn't know how? I don't get this as he has a good family and a large group of old friends that even though he never made an effort to see them they really made efforts to keep in touch with him. He didn't want to be part of it (the pregnancy or with me) and he 'found' me a single room rental. He was going to go away and work. He didn't end up leaving though as he was never quiet ready to.

When our child was just over 1 and I was admittedly very depressed (I have always suffered with depression) he met a girl at work and feel for her hard. We had just bought a house together with all our savings. He pinned for her and in the end told him that if he loves her then he should go be with her. She was 21 and we were in our mid 20's He was literally crawling around on the floor crying and talking about marrying her. I was so so hurt but again I felt deep shame that he has never felt like that for me. He left the next morning to move into her share house. She had a boyfriend already... he was there for around 2 months, he rang me every night! I as ripped apart but after a number of weeks I picked myself up and I found that I was super capable and I was happy! I did things, I gardened I felt free and very much ok. He wanted to come home. He wanted to keep her as a friend. I sad no. After many weeks of him pushing and promising things I said yes. He moved back in and then changed back to being resentful and disrespectful.

I moved out with our child about 4 weeks later. He laughed and said see you soon. It was a big joke to him. I wasn't joking. 

We were separated for close to 3 years. Within a couple of week he was begging for me to come back. He said he realized what love was and that he had always loved me, he just didn't see it. My own feelings for him had died but I loved being in his company and we both still had a powerful sexual attraction but I was so happy and free and confident to be myself without him as my partner or my lover. He has always been tight with compliments. I actually thought that I was unattractive until we separated and I met other men who told me that they thought that I was beautiful, just nice compliments. I have talked to him about this and his repsponse is that I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think that you were beautiful! Obviously I think you are. I'm very attracted to you.

While we were separated we got on so well, we would talk on the phone for hours, we would eat dinner together sometimes but I always turned him down when he wanted to get back togther. He made mixed tapes and always bought flowers for every weekend access visit for our child. He saw me talking closely to a guy at a party once and he then proposed to me on the sidewalk within hours! We did sleep together a handful of times but I didn't want to get pulled in again. 

We moved in together after roughly 3 years apart. Initially I was excited but something in me died again. I don't now why and it was very quick, I felt like I made the wrong decision, I started feeling bad about myself again. I still held resentment that he had left us to be with that girl. He had been friends with her while we were separated and during this time she married the boyfriend the one she was cheating on with my partner. 

We had another child and all was good. He is a good father and a good provider and he has been so very supportive to me and what I do. He makes things for me etc... 

He has fallen for another girl several years ago while away with work but I believe that he didn't pursue it and nothing happened he said he just fell for her at a work thing that was held out of state for week. He said it was infatuation and he was hit hard. she was 20ish and we were in our mid-late 30s. 

He feel for someone at work again early this year. He said he had know her for a few years but they had a conversation and he just fell for her, she made him feel good about himself he said. She is very attractive but he didn't know if she was interested and she has mentioned that she wants a family and he said he knew that he couldn't give her that so it wouldn't work. 

It's been a very hard year. I have thought about suicide a lot. I have cried a lot. He stopped being attracted to me for most of this year, we still had sex and lots of it but he didn't see me was looking through me. He wanted an open relationship at one point, he wanted to sleep with lost of women. He told me he wanted to find someone else to have a relationship with. He talked about just staying long enough for our youngest to grow up a little more, he talked about buying another house. He felt like he wanted female friends. I just wanted him and I was devastated. He told me this had all come about because I hurt him. 

This women (she was 29 we are now in our early 40s) has left to work in another country. I thought she had left as he seemed to move towards me a little mid year. Turns out I was right. The other thing that I discovered about him was that he was using chat rooms to talk with other women, strangers. Its a random chatting sight. I know this as I caught him once. I don't believe he is hooking up with them just that he has a real need to find women to have conversations with maybe hoping to form a relationship with them?

I told him I had enough and was done. He believed me and has promised to stop talking online and I can see that he is making serious efforts to re connect with our relationship. He talks about our future. He really sees me now. But I can't shake the feeling that I am the back up plan. Plan B. That this will happen again, I no longer trust him due to the deception of talking to women online. He admitted to mutual masturbation a couple of times with these people online But said that it was not satisfying. I have no idea of how long he has been using these sites for and I think he was looking for some sort of relationship maybe? 

He was told me that he has looked around for another relationship but he can't see and doesn't believe that there is anything better out there than what he has with me (it was quiet mater-factual) he feels that what we went through is what all couples go through and it's just a rough patch. I'm just not sure.

I'm self employed and have a good circle of friends which he is now somewhat involved with. He will join in conversations etc or join us. He holds down a good job but had no social life. He has again had friends over the years that try and maintain contact but he never reciprocates or makes an effort. I encourage him to get together with friends but he isn't interested so he never or goes out.

I have added in our history and I feel as though it gives you a good understanding of how we have come together. We both feel that the ambiguous nature of the start has made this relationship confusing and messy. Maybe much like this post (sorry) During the year he was going back 21 years i time and talking about the hurt that he felt with these ex boyfriends etc He has also said that he doesn't know how to have a relationship and would like to try and work it out together. I'm wondering if I have spent my 21 years with a man that has never loved me  that's what kills me the most. I want to work it out too but wondering if I'm a fool?

Sorry about the long first post. I really would like some objective insights.

Thank you for reading


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

He never loved you. 

Ever.

It's as clear as the nose on your face, but only to everyone else who ever knew you, which is why people always asked you why you were with him. 

I don't get why you allowed him to move in with you and your child, and then after he moved in, he quickly decided he didn't want to be with you, so you were the one who left?

That makes almost as little sense as having a second child with this guy after so many years of turmoil and never having anything that remotely approached a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It was clearly nothing more than a friends with benefits situation for him the entire time he's been with you. I mean for crying out loud he never even spent a night in your bed and he didn't even try to hide the fact that he fell in love with at least 2 other women during the time you were together. 

It's honestly hard to understand how someone can be as dense as you apparently continue to be.


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## lalahlove (Dec 27, 2016)

Hi uncertain-
Whew! That was a lot. I agree...he never TRULY loved you.

But being with him for all this time does NOT make you dense. It simply makes you human. We all crave for love...affection...commitment, to one degree or another. What we accept as "normal" or acceptable varies from person to person, largely based on our upbringing and past experiences. 

I kinda got mixed up in the story a bit, so maybe I missed it somewhere...but did you guys ever get married or no? Just curious...not sure it changes much, obviously you're very much a family, with or without a marriage license.

Truth is, none of us here can really tell you what to do, but since you asked for insight, here's my $.02 worth...

Take a step back. Put your feelings aside for a while, and reeeeally see this for what it is. It sounds like you have been a source of convenience, comfort (not to mention copulation) for this man and his anxiety issues. (Issues which obviously never stopped him to dipping in and out from one woman to the next.) Sounds like you've given waaaaay too much and been waaaaaay too available for him to run back to every time those other relationships went sour. Don't know if it's something you're open to, but it sounds like you'd do well to get some professional therapy/counseling. Is there something in your past/childhood that could be causing you to need him/something so badly that you'll put up with years of only having "part" of him? And if you think there's something worth saving here, then see if he too will join you for some counseling.

Personally, I think I'd solidify mine and my children's future financially and GTHO of dodge! Wait...sounds like the kids should be almost old enough to take care of themselves! Life is too short, Girl. I'm about your age, and I know it can be hard to imagine that anyone else can/would love/accept us in our early-mid 40's (not that he really ever loved or truly accepted you). But I have seen sooooo many heartwarming stories of both women and men who took that leap of faith to get out of relationships that they KNEW weren't healthy and eventually end up with someone who loved and cherished them AND their children. Even still...if you never got married or found another long-term relationship, you'd be better off alone with your children than to spend ANOTHER 21 years and beyond with someone who treats you like your guy does.

While every relationship and marriage will present some degree of challenges, I tend to believe there are NO SUBSTITUTES for passion. Passion, and being cherished. If, after all this time, you still can't say that you're passionate about this man and that he cherishes you to the utmost, um...yeh, might be time to move on!


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## uncertain- (Dec 26, 2016)

Thank you lalahlove and um browser..

No we didn't end up getting married. When we reconciled around 12years ago we did talk about it but we never have. 

The separate bed thing was only the case in the early years before we moved into the one bedroom place. I have to say that when we reconciled 12 years ago after being separated for 3 years we have had a mostly very happy relationship, there has been lots of affection and working together to make a lovely home. He has been the affectionate one for years, he does little things for me and will go out of his way to pick something up for me. I know that he talks proudly about me to others, he is very supportive and caring towards me. He picked the first strawberry today and brought it to me, it's these small gestures that make me feel loved by him. 

I am working with a psychologist and have been for quite awhile. I have intimacy issues. I was abandoned by my mother at the age of 10 and I have not really had a safe and secure home. My partner grew up on a cold and dysfunctional home.

I am thinking of leaving there is a small part of me and common sense that tells me to jump. But apart from feeling like I am not loved we have a wonderful life here. We are debt free, two beautiful children, we both live well together and have great dinner conversations. 

He now falls asleep holding my hand, we feel connected again. I'm just not sure and maybe I'm am an idiot.


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## lalahlove (Dec 27, 2016)

Hmmm...now that you add those details, I can see how this is a tough one for you. I'm glad to hear that you're working with a therapist. Kudos to you! I need to find a good one myself. It's amazing how easily our childhood experiences can wreak havoc on our adult relationships. I know this from personal experience.

Just keep going with your counseling. And if it helps, sit down a make two lists: what you like/appreciate about this guy and those things you don't. Aside from that, make a list of your own life values and life goals. Then take a look at your relationship to see if it's supporting/contributing to those values and goals. If not, then you have a tough decision to make about whether to stay. One of my favorite quotes comes from Dr. Phil. I've had to embrace it over and over in deciding whether to stay in my marriage...because I believe I inherited a terrible relational martyrdom syndrome from my mother:

"If the cost of being half of a couple is to stop being all of who you are; the price is too high."

That was REEEEEAL eye-opening for me!!!! I hope that it will help you too. Best of wishes to you in whatever you decided.


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## lalahlove (Dec 27, 2016)

Also, not to be morbid or anything, but it helps me to approach life from what I'll call an "end" perspective. That is, none of us is here to stay. Regardless of our varying beliefs about the afterlife, we will all meet death at some point. So what I do sometimes is sit down and think about/write about what I want to be remembered for. Try writing your eulogy sometime. It will wake you up if nothing else does! LOL! Grim an exercise as that may be, it's a healthy reminder that all of this is temporary. And that time waits for no one. And whatever it is we want to be remembered for, we need to be about those things, habits, deeds, words every day.

Because we never know when.

If your life with this guy is not allowing you to be the kind of person you wish to be remembered for, then at what point do you allow yourself to start being that person and living THAT life? Granted, relationships are give and take, and we have to allow consideration and accommodation for what our SO and kids want for their destinies as well. But I have learned that it is NOT a selfish thing to look out for YOU! As it's been said, self-preservation is the first law of nature.


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## evewasframed5 (Jan 2, 2017)

It sounds like you've been through a lot. 
I wonder if your significant other is addicted to romance? 
He may love you, but when another woman shows him attention and affection and makes him feel good about himself, he can't resist that "high."


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's all too apparent that he doesn't want a wife to hold accountability to, he only wants to go through life with a "friend with benefits!" And for what it's worth, he'll never change!

Time for you to seek out a good family attorney to get child support going for that precious child of yours! 

Please don't let him off of the hook on that!*


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## uncertain- (Dec 26, 2016)

evewasframed5 said:


> It sounds like you've been through a lot.
> I wonder if your significant other is addicted to romance?
> He may love you, but when another woman shows him attention and affection and makes him feel good about himself, he can't resist that "high."


we have talked about it, he has said that it feels he feels like he is in love with being in love that feeling of getting to know someone and the excitement. The last women he said that he knew her for years as someone at work and then one day they had a long 20 conversation due to a hold up at work and she made him feel good about himself. 

This has happened 3 times in the 20 or so years we have been together, it's always obvious.


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## uncertain- (Dec 26, 2016)

I have always felt that he was a little odd.... His conversations and thoughts seem to be almost narcissistic.

He has just been diagnosed with high functioning Autism (Aspergers)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That explains a lot. You'll likely never get real connection with him. 

I would ask you to put down the top three things in your life that you would have to have or have accomplished to feel satisfied at the end (not counting your kids). Come up with three things you'd regret if you never got them.


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## uncertain- (Dec 26, 2016)

I feel that I can accomplish all of my desires with this man as my partner. Though admittidly I feeling like Im pulling away from him even though I dont want to. He is very suportive all all that I want to do.

I think this is mainly due to the fact that I have found him to be a bit of a liar and not a bad one at that. I feel like now that I know that he has used deception that I look back and see the possibility that he has decieved me on many occasions. It's just that I had personal proof of it this this time that I knew he was lying and how good and convincing he was.

I dont think I feel emotionally safe with him at the moment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course not. People don't lie to HELP you. They do it to help _themselves._ That's not love. But if he's an Aspie, he probably can't love you anyway.


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## uncertain- (Dec 26, 2016)

turnera said:


> Of course not. People don't lie to HELP you. They do it to help _themselves._ That's not love. But if he's an Aspie, he probably can't love you anyway.


He said that he cares for me and he loves me on some level. I asked him if we worked on our relationship as he is wanting to do does he think that maybe he will love me? He said maybe in an uncertain way. I said did he ever love me? He said he thinks so. 

I felt hurt by this and left him know this. He said that he saw it as a positive and he said that he felt that I was putting a negative spin on it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're considering staying, you'll need to educate yourself on Aspies. They are truly different people. We have a 'nephew' who came over one day - he's in film school; he's obsessed with horror films. He wanted us to watch this Japanese horror film, swore up and down that it was THE best move EVER made. So we watched it, and we were like, um, ok... He got so upset with us because we didn't share his passion for this movie, and he couldn't understand our thought processes; he assumed we would have the same feelings he did, and he couldn't work his brain around to understanding how we didn't. It was quite perplexing and upsetting to everyone.


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