# Not Attracted to fat wife



## MrWhite (Dec 16, 2009)

We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all. 

She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest. 

I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Well what steps have you tried to get her to lose weight? You said you mentioned it once like 20 years ago. Was that all you've done? Have you talked to her about it since then?? Does she know why you won't have sex with her?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

ever watch biggest loser?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MrWhite said:


> We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.
> 
> She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.
> 
> I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:


really you love her to death?

time to move on she isn't interested in losing weight and life is too short to be tied to someone you will most likley be a caregiver to because she didn't take care of her self properly.all while being sexually neglected.


what are you getting out of this marriage?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MrWhite said:


> We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.
> 
> She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.
> 
> I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:



After she had your son, her hormones could of changed and never bounced back.

Menopause?

Bad thyroid? See a Doctor for a full physical.

Only she can want to lose the weight and get in shape. If she doesn't want to, she will get bigger, obese, etc.

I don't blame you for not being attracted to larger women. I am the same way. I love my wifee but she is similar to your wife. I have been weight training and eating mini meals every 3 hours and Intermittent Fasting getting awesome results, but she does nothing.........


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I love my kids to death, I love my parents, I love my siblings... Doesn't mean I find them physically attractive and want to have sex with them. Your wife needs to understand that love and physical attraction are only loosely coupled. If you stopped showering daily, she probably wouldn't want to have sex with you on a regular basis either. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you talked to her about this?

What about MC?

I've gone from a size 8-10 to a 14-16 since we got married, and sometimes I ask hubby about my weight, but he always says it doesn't affect him. We'll see, though - the next chapter we have to do in His Needs Her Needs is the one about a mans need for his wife to be physically attractive! We certainly don't have a sexless marriage, though. If my hubby EVER told me he didn't want sex with me because I was too fat, I'd probably have a good cry and then buckle down and starve myself or something to fix the problem.

He isn't a tiny person by a long stretch either, though.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I have a thread in the private members section dealing with this exact issue. Not going to go into why she's fat, the fact is, she is. Is her weight a deal breaker for you? Is the lack of sex a deal breaker for her? Do you foresee a time when empty nest means a return to romance or a complete end to the marriage as a result of her weight and the lack of sex subsequent to her weight?

You're going to have to decide where you draw that line. You're going to have to communicate that line to her. She wants sex, you want to be attracted to her. Neither of you are getting what you want. Neither of you are willing to simply accept and make the best of it. Where does this end?


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

MrWhite said:


> We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.
> 
> She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.
> 
> I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:


If you love her, you would make LOVE to her and also get her to join you in some physical activities. Work it so you are not correcting her, but rather you are doing an activity together.

I don't think it's fair that you shut your wife out of sex, even if you are not "attracted". It's your wife and if you say you LOVE her, you would please her in that way.

If your not popping strong erections due to her size, let her give you oral at first and get right into the sex act.

It's definately going to be better than nothing for you. ANd by the way, you are a physical trainer, your test levels and sex drive will decline with lack of use. As you get older, it's not something I would mess with....


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I know this goes against popular opinion of this board...but I could never turn down my wife for intimacy. It's essential to any marriage. If I did I would just have to accept it when somebody else would take on that responsibility.

Your case is different because you are not attracted to her. But I honestly don't equate witholding sex to gaining weight. I think one is more of a betrayal than the other.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

MrWhite said:


> We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.
> 
> She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.
> 
> I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:


Going from size 6 to a 24 is not normal even over that many years. Has she ever been checked for the medical issues that cause extreme weight gain. Does she eat thst much and get no exercise at all. I mean eat bon bons on the couch every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## westbank23 (Mar 8, 2013)

Drag her to the gym..if you love her like u said u should help her lose weight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

westbank23 said:


> Drag her to the gym..if you love her like u said u should help her lose weight
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure he can. If his profession is related to health and fitness and he can't convince his wife to get on board...not sure there's a lot of hope.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

She let herself go and needs to lose weight and get in shape.

You don't find her physically attractive because of her letting herself go.

In any marriage, you are to take care of yourself and your other half.

If she's not willing to take care of herself, then its her laziness and fault and not his. 

He is taking care of himself. She isn't.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I realize it may be off the wall but at this point why not be honest with her? You love her but her weight is a physical turn off to you. It sounds as though you are in a position to help her should she choose to address it.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

He would make love to his own wife, but he would also have him join him in the gym or some physical activities such as dance, working in the yard, being on your feet all day at a concert.

If he makes it so he's correcting or fixing her she is not going to like that so much.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If she truly loved him, she would of taken care of herself for her health and sex appeal instead of letting it go. He has for his health and for her, so why is she so special and different? She isn't. Both are adults.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

I think it is cruel and insensitive to deny your spouse intimacy and affection. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot. Men HATE being shut off, it makes us look rediculous for being married.

He needs to communicate the fact that if she loses some of the weight that she gained that he would desire her much more.

But in the interim, he still needs to give her some quantity of sex and affection. It's for his own good, because as we get older what we don't use we lose, and I would hate to lose my sex drive and vitality and pray that it returns!


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> I think it is cruel and insensitive to deny your spouse intimacy and affection.


And I think it's cruel to marry someone, gain 80, 100, 125 lbs, and expect your spouse to overlook that and maintain the same sexual attraction they had for you when you married. 

Look, there are probably dozens of threads like these going on...in fact, I started one myself as my very first thread on TAM http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61910-husband-has-gained-100-lbs.html. Here's how they pretty much all turn out: 

OP complains about excessive weight gain (we're not talking 10-20 lbs here), while OP has worked hard to stay in good shape and maintain attractiveness within reasonable expectations. 

Spouse does nothing but gain weight...maybe a few feeble attempts to diet or exercise which are short lived. 

OP tries everything they can to encourage spouse to lose weight: they shop, they cook, they exercise and invite spouse to go along, they nag, they beg, they play cheerleader. But spouse keeps gaining, or at least doesn't lose any weight. 

OP loses attraction to spouse, because spouse no longer even resembles the person they married. 

Sex becomes less spontaneous, less exciting, less experimental, less passionate...largely due to the fact that the obese spouse cannot participate in certain positions, get too tired holding a certain position, it hurts their knees, their back, they can't lay on top of their spouse anymore because they would literally crush them. Even something as simple as changing positions during sex becomes an ordeal. 

OP loses interest in sex because of the above. OP is sexually frustrated and resents that the weight has caused their sex life to take a nose dive. 

OP looks to the future and sees himself becoming a caregiver to his spouse, while other couples their age are retired, traveling, and enjoying life (and still having great sex). 

OP posts his/her story, only to be told that they are 1) shallow for allowing his/her spouse's weight to become a turn off 2) at fault for not meeting some emotional need of obese spouse, therefore obese spouse is forced to cope with food 3) not doing enough to "make" his/her spouse eat better, exercise, and lose weight 4) being selfish and insensitive and even unloving by having these feelings about their spouse's weight gain

I have said it and said it and said it...NO ONE CAN OR WILL LOSE WEIGHT UNLESS THEY WANT TO!! I don't care who buys the food, cooks the food, who goes to the gym or not...I cannot force feed my husband. I cannot take the fork away from him if I think he's had too much. I can't be there to snatch his dollar bill from the vending machine before it slips in and changes into a bag of M&Ms and a Coke. I cannot strap him to my back and go for a walk and make his legs move with mine so he will get some exercise. I cannot express how absolutely infuriating it is to be told that my H's weight gain is somehow due to a lack of effort on MY part, or that if I simply do those things mentioned above, some lightbulb will go on above his head and suddenly he'll put on a jogging suit and take off running to the grocery store to buy a salad. 

In the end, you have to let your spouse know how much it bothers you and how it affects you. If they suddenly wake up and do something about it and take FULL responsibility to do lose weight and get in better shape, great...you have something to work with. If not, which is usually the case, you have to decide if you can live with it the rest of your life or not. If you can't, it's a deal breaker and you leave. It sounds harsh, but that's what it boils down to.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> And I think it's cruel to marry someone, gain 80, 100, 125 lbs, and expect your spouse to overlook that and maintain the same sexual attraction they had for you when you married.
> 
> Look, there are probably dozens of threads like these going on...in fact, I started one myself as my very first thread on TAM http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61910-husband-has-gained-100-lbs.html. Here's how they pretty much all turn out:
> 
> ...


Good counter argument to the "my spouse has gained alot of weight and I'm no longer sexually attracted" situation.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

:iagree:

Excellent post, Waking up to life


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

I agreed after a sufficient amount of time, it IS fair for the spouse who took care of themself to determine they don't want to live like that. After trying to get help and the other does not care, they are within reason to leave.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Thank you Walking for saying what those of us in this situation know but maybe can't express. I've been eating better and exercising for about a month now. Not that long but I was not too out of shape anyway. In that month, my wife has accused me of cheating, told me that my efforts aren't enough, asked what I'm trying to prove, and lots of other little things. All because SHE doesn't want to change HER habits. 

I've encouraged her to join me and installed the my fitness pal app on her phone (at her request). I've encouraged her every time she makes a half hearted attempt to lose weight. She's still ~200lbs and eating whatever she feels like. No exercise at all. Now, she want's one of the surgeries, banding or some such. Always looking for the easy button.

I understand completely OP. It's very frustrating.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Another way of looking at it...I am tiny, 5' tall, as are my mom and her sisters and her mom. They are all at least 200 lbs or more. I am 110 lbs...but I have to really work hard to stay there because I favor my mom's genetic tendency for being short and plump. I watch what I eat and I work out with Insanity 6 days a week (and I'm rather proud of my athletic body ). 

Does my H get credit for my being in good shape, for staying within 10 lbs of my pre-wedding weight 19 years ago? Does he get credit for my eating habits and for my regular workout routine? Hell no! I did that! I make those choices! I bust my ass exercising! My point is, it goes both ways. He is no more responsible for my weight and health than I am responsible for his weight and health.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Danggit, you go girl:smthumbup:


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

Wow really cruel. Are u sure she isn't depressed? If she gained some weight in the beginning and u were less sexual then it could cause some depression and that causes weight gain. I don't see a size 6 woman gaining the weight for the hell of it. Sex is also like working out. She could burn a ton of calories if u were banging her. Maybe if she felt loved she would feel motivation to lose the weight. She has to be miserable. Shes probably praying the weight gain will put her out of her misery soon. Dont be surprised if when u divorce she loses the weight. I have personally seen this happen (sister) and don't be jealous when shes getting it from someone else. She must really love u to have stayed so long with out the physical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

Maybe this is a cry for help? You are helping complete strangers get/stay in shape while your very own wife is unhealthy. Maybe deep down she wants the attention you are giving to your clients? 

Don't be cruel about offering your services to her, make it more of an experiment (help boost your career by showing your/her results). Get her involved and excited in a positive way. You didn't marry her only for her body right? I'm sure she has many other attributes that made you say "I do". Think about those things & try to reverse the role & see how you would feel if she were the “trainer”. Best of luck to you.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Waking up to life said:


> Another way of looking at it...I am tiny, 5' tall, as are my mom and her sisters and her mom. They are all at least 200 lbs or more. I am 110 lbs...but I have to really work hard to stay there because I favor my mom's genetic tendency for being short and plump. I watch what I eat and I work out with Insanity 6 days a week (and I'm rather proud of my athletic body ).
> 
> Does my H get credit for my being in good shape, for staying within 10 lbs of my pre-wedding weight 19 years ago? Does he get credit for my eating habits and for my regular workout routine? Hell no! I did that! I make those choices! I bust my ass exercising! My point is, it goes both ways. He is no more responsible for my weight and health than I am responsible for his weight and health.


:iagree: :iagree: I SO agree with you! I let myself go after having my kids. I was a size 16 and at 5'2" that isn't a good thing. I don't even know how much I weighed but I felt and looked like crap. 

Then I went on a 1000 calorie/day diet and started working out and went down to a size 3. It's a constant battle to stay there because I LOVE to go out and eat and drink...but I do it. I did it when my husband wanted to have sex with me and when he didn't. It didn't seem to matter how good I looked for him not to want sex but that's another story. 

Point is: I did it for ME. I still keep myself at 1000-1500 calories a day (and allow room for good meal here and there) and work out every day and am still a size 4 even as I look at my 50th birthday. 

I love feeling and looking good. When my weight is down I take care of myself in other ways. I take care of my skin, my hair, my clothes and I work out because I'm more energetic and want to look and feel toned. You do it for yourself, not for someone else and that's why no one can badger, nag or talk someone else into losing weight for THEM. They have to do it for themselves! 

Some people gain weight for physical reasons. Others just like to eat and don't care. Sometimes it's a lifestyle change. When you are younger, have a social life and are going out then you have a vested interest in looking good. You want to look HOT when you go to the clubs or out to dinner with your friends. You take pride in your appearance and you want to be attractive to the other sex as well!

Then you get married and suddenly you stop going out, especially when you have kids. You start sitting around the house, watching TV, taking care of the kids and shoveling food down your mouth as you do so. You take your kids to fast food places because that the easiest place to take them and then you start eating badly. You go on "play dates" with other moms who are ALSO eating badly. So voila! Next thing you know, you are 50-100lbs overweight. It's not hard to see how it happens. 

OP: The thing to do is try and get your wife invested in HERSELF. Guilting her or nagging her won't work. She needs to have a reason to care about herself. How often do you make her feel like a woman? Take out on a date (something that does NOT involve food). Go to a movie, or a walk in the park, a romantic day at the beach, go out to see a show... Something that will involve getting all dressed up and going out and feeling good about you and herself.

She may not look hot even when dressed up but it will give her a reason to get up, do her hair and make up and just feel good! A a big woman can go out and get a nice outfit at one of the "Big Girl" stores and dress up. I see bigger women out all the time and they dress nicely and feel good about themselves. If you show her attention and treat her like a HOT woman she will probably feel the need to start losing weight because suddenly she will feel that you are investing in her, so she will start investing in HERSELF! 

Encourage her to lose weight by gently telling her how hot she used to look and it would really be great if she can look that way again. Perhaps you BOTH go on a diet together and engage in some physical exercise together. Start out small, no 5 mile runs. Just a walk around the block on a nice day or an easy work out at the gym. Make it fun!

BTW, just getting her to the gym and working out won't be enough if she's eating 5000+ calories a day. She'd have to be an olympic swimmer to lose weight then. But what working out does is make her feel GOOD and helps her along mentally with the dieting. 

She will need a diet she can live with day to day. No crazy crash diet but one where she eats sensibly and loses the weight in a healthy manner and can keep it off. It's a lifestyle change. Just as she went from thin to fat because her LIFESTYLE changed she will need to do the same to lose it. It's not just a physical act, it's a mental one too. 

I lost 50+ lbs at 45 years old and I'm a size 4 at 49. Don't listen to the excuses about hormones and menopause making you gain weight. Usually that's just an excuse. Eat less and moving more is the key..and WANTING to do because you have a reason to.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> And I think it's cruel to marry someone, gain 80, 100, 125 lbs, and expect your spouse to overlook that and maintain the same sexual attraction they had for you when you married.
> 
> Look, there are probably dozens of threads like these going on...in fact, I started one myself as my very first thread on TAM http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61910-husband-has-gained-100-lbs.html. Here's how they pretty much all turn out:
> 
> ...


:iagree: You are amazing!!! :iagree:


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Freak on a Leash...I lost 50+ lbs at 45 years old and I'm a size 4 at 49. Don't listen to the excuses about hormones and menopause making you gain weight. Usually that's just an excuse. Eat less and moving more is the key..and WANTING to do because you have a reason to. [/QUOTE]

I agree that losing weight is a personal choice, but you are incorrect in saying hormomes are an excuse. That is insulting to someone that is suffering from hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism or like me that has had to have my thyroid removed due to a tumor. You diet on 1000 -1500 calories a day...I wish!!! Try 500 calories a day when hormone levels go hypo, and 1 hour exercise at night when I come home from work just to maintain my weight not to lose!!! Until you have lived this nightmare please be careful making broad sweeping statements like hormones are an excuse. 

I weighed 125 lbs my entire adult life until I turned 45yrs old. I have always exercised daily and been a vegitarian. Within a 4 year period of time I gained 100 lbs lost so much hair I had to cut long hair off to my shoulders because it looked so thin. I so exhausted and fatigued that I actually got clinically depressed. I went to doctors for 4yrs begging them to test me to find out what was wrong. The tumor was finally found due to a car accident. 

I will always battle my weight and keeping my meds leveled, but I am fighting. I have lost 45 lbs since Oct. 2012.... one pound at a time. I now can eat 800 calories a day and the doctors say I will probable only be able to eat 1000 a day once I make my ideal weight due to my compromised matabolism. 

The statistics show that hypothyroidism and hyperthyroidism go undiagnosed my over 90percent of the time. I would first recommend that the poster make sure there is not a medical issue causing the weight gain especially if she is over 40 years old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

The title of this thread is just funny to me. Sorry. Please continue.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

*needaunderstand* said:


> Wow really cruel. Are u sure she isn't depressed? If she gained some weight in the beginning and u were less sexual then it could cause some depression and that causes weight gain. I don't see a size 6 woman gaining the weight for the hell of it. Sex is also like working out. She could burn a ton of calories if u were banging her. Maybe if she felt loved she would feel motivation to lose the weight. She has to be miserable. Shes probably praying the weight gain will put her out of her misery soon. Dont be surprised if when u divorce she loses the weight. I have personally seen this happen (sister) and don't be jealous when shes getting it from someone else. She must really love u to have stayed so long with out the physical.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is he being cruel? He feels what he feels. If he is not attracted to the weight then he isn't. I'm sure he would love to be attracted to her again. He didn't stop being attracted on purpose. Yes, I am sure he could have sex with her but he isn't motivated to do that because he isn't attracted to her, so he doesn't initiate. Lots of wives post on here with the same problem. They aren't attracted to their husbands ... for a variety of reasons, including weight. They have sex with their husband but don't initiate and aren't into it when they do it. If you are a guy, you don't always get an erection and it is difficult to stay hard when the person you are having sex with turns you off. You just aren't that into it. 

Here's the deal; she has the opportunity ... even the responsibility ... to communicate her needs to him. You think he is being cruel. Well, if she felt that way then she needs to communicate that with him. It needs to be an open dialogue. The problem is that telling her he is not attracted to her, it may seriously damage their relationship but I think if there is to be any chance then he needs to be open about his feelings too. 

Is intimacy important enough to her to lose the weight? If my wife did not want to have sex with me because I had a problem with bad breath and therefore she never initiated ... and when I initiated she would just lay there ... then I sure as hell would try to figure out how to fix the bad breath problem. If she told me she found it gross, well I wouldn't want to be gross for her and I'd do something about it. I am sure he isn't expecting her to be this ultra-thin super fit person ... just get down to a reasonable and attractive size.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

c'mon man its your wife, I don't agree with this crap of happily ever after, as long as your body doesn't change.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

roostr said:


> c'mon man its your wife, I don't agree with this crap of happily ever after, as long as your body doesn't change.


:iagree:....I remember my marriage vows including: ..."in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for as long as we shall live." I don't recall any exclusion if either of us "ballooned up" or "whaled up".


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I Notice The Details said:


> :iagree:....I remember my marriage vows including: ..."in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for as long as we shall live." I don't recall any exclusion if either of us "ballooned up" or "whaled up".



There are always dealbreakers.

What if your spouse starts drinking heavily?

Cheats?

Becomes a criminal?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> There are always dealbreakers.
> 
> What if your spouse starts drinking heavily?
> 
> ...


Yes, I think infidelity and criminal behavior could become grounds for a divorce, but not weight. IMO.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

But those words weren't in the vows either, were they?

Forsaking all others was, but not "I promise not to drink like a souse. I promise not to become a felon."


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

roostr said:


> c'mon man its your wife, I don't agree with this crap of happily ever after, as long as your body doesn't change.


I don't totally agree but I respect where you are coming from. In my opinion a few extra pounds is one thing, but going from a size 6 to 24? That is drastic. Physical attraction is important. Plus obesity can cause so many health problems. If he loves her he doesn't want her to die early. His line of work leads me to believe that fitness is important to him, and he probably thought he was going to share a healthy lifestyle with his wife.

Taking care of yourself physically for your spouse shows that you are nurturing the relationship and that you care about your appearance to them.

I think letting yourself go that badly is no better than drinking too much, doing drugs, etc. 

Loving someone and staying with them after, let's say, an accident in which they were handicapped, is different to me because they did not choose to have an accident - unless it was a result of reckless behavior of course. 

Becoming morbidly obese and not caring enough to even admit there are problems is a choice. And in most cases becoming obese is a choice. If its a medical problem she will never know until she gets checked.

I will say though, that from a womans pov, it's got to be hard to WANT to lose the weight for the right reasons when your spouse won't have sex with you until you do.. I'm sure it only adds to the insecurity. I know he can't help not being aroused. It's a really tough spot to be in


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Obesity is a medical condition in which excess body fat has accumulated to the extent that it may have an adverse effect on health, leading to reduced life expectancy & other possible fatal illnesses.

You say you love your wife. If you truly do, you will encourage & support her to get healthy again. It can be done.

If your child was obese, would you give up on him/her?

I am not saying you should have sex with her because that should not be a forced activity for you. You do need to be honest & tell her the reasons why. Don't be afraid to hurt her feelings. It just may save her life.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Yes.

But the concept I am having a hard time understanding is the sex should not be ALL about how he feels. His wife must be depressed. 

I believe he should make love to her occasionally but be honest and say that he's not as attracted to her as when she took better care of herself. That he cares about her and her life.

She must be very depressed to feel her husband doesn't want her.

It's the same if the shoe is on the other foot. A woman shouldn't shut off her man almost no matter the circumstance. There is always something you can do, and it's not always about your pleasure but how they feel.

If it is going to be a deal breaker over time, explain to her that she's not only making him desire her less, but she's decreasing his sexual desire and belief in himself along with it, and that is just not an option.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> :iagree:....I remember my marriage vows including: ..."in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for as long as we shall live." I don't recall any exclusion if either of us "ballooned up" or "whaled up".


This isn't particularly helpful. Sounds like OP is committed to his marriage. They have friction in their marriage because she wants sex that he doesn't provide because he isn't attracted to her. It isn't unreasonable to stop being attracted to someone who goes through that dramatic of a change. This isn't 30lbs gained after having children that she can't seem to lose. She likely looks nothing like the person he was initially attracted to. He has adapted to not having sex. He isn't even complaining about not having sex even though it is very important to a marriage. She is the one who wants to have sex. 

He is trying to figure this out. He wants to help. He wants to solve the problem. He's looking for answers.

Instead, you basically tell him "sucks to be you." "Deal with it." "Yeah, you might think she looks gross and it is a complete turnoff but you made your vows so suck it up and fulfill your duty." Yeah, I guess that solves the problem for her. She gets her sex and he isn't happy but you know ... "sucks to be you."

What if it wasn't weight, would the answer be the same? What if her personality turned nasty and she degraded him at every opportunity. As others pointed out, she became an alcoholic ... or maybe a meth user whose teeth had fallen out and her face full of scabs and scars. Would you still say, you made your vows so suck it up and give her the sex she needs ... problem solved. For some people that extreme weight change is just as much of a turn off and you can't tell me that it isn't accompanied by changes in personality. If it wasn't weight, people would fall all over themselves to be sympathetic and offer suggestions on what he can do.

He wants to help and is looking for ideas. I'm sure he's very concerned about the impact of telling her he isn't attracted to her. You can reinforce that this is what he needs to do or give him some other ideas but telling him to just deal with it because of the vows you made is not at all helpful.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MrWhite said:


> We've been married for 22 years and have argued and settled just about every situation a relationship can have except death. We don't argue we laugh talk and enjoy each others company BUT we dont have sex at all. I have zero sexual attraction towards her, when we got married she was a size 6 and at her largest a size 24, I'm not attracted to large women at all.
> 
> She started gaining weight almost immediately after we got married 22 years ago and after 2 years I mentioned it to her and she seemed to completely ignore me. She continues to gain weight, her health continues to get worse, and once a year we have this huge blow-up about her lack of sex and my lack of interest.
> 
> I love her to death and have adapted to not having sex but she hasn't adapted to it and most likely won't. My last son is 16 and going to college in 2 years and without him as the center of our world I'm not sure what will keep us together.... To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years ..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:




I guess I feel compelled to ask if you've kept yourself in shape, since you don't mention it? I ask because it's hard to even have a discussion with her if you've let yourself go. If you have, start with yourself and approach her for support, and ask her to join you. If you have kept yourself up, you could try to plan fun physical outings. Unfortunately, people lose weight for themselves because that's the motivation you need to climb such a tall hill. Approach her with solutions that you are fully prepared to be a part of; if that doesn't work I'm afraid you can either move on or live with it. Sorry.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> But those words weren't in the vows either, were they?
> 
> Forsaking all others was, but not "I promise not to drink like a souse. I promise not to become a felon."


I agree...being in the OP's shoes would be a hard, complicated situation! In reality, it isn't always black and white. I do realize that. Your point is well taken.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I guess I feel compelled to ask if you've kept yourself in shape, since you don't mention it? I ask because it's hard to even have a discussion with her if you've let yourself go. If you have, start with yourself and approach her for support, and ask her to join you.


Maybe you skipped over reading his last few sentences?



MrWhite said:


> To add insult to injury *I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years *..... I just dont know how to help her :scratchhead:


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I guess I feel compelled to ask if you've kept yourself in shape, since you don't mention it? I ask because it's hard to even have a discussion with her if you've let yourself go. If you have, start with yourself and approach her for support, and ask her to join you. If you have kept yourself up, you could try to plan fun physical outings. Unfortunately, people lose weight for themselves because that's the motivation you need to climb such a tall hill. Approach her with solutions that you are fully prepared to be a part of; if that doesn't work I'm afraid you can either move on or live with it. Sorry.


He has been a personal trainer and fitness consultant for 20 years. He didn't say it explicitly but I don't know many (any) personal trainers who are experts at helping other people transform themselves without also being in very good shape. I'm sure it is not only his career but also his lifestyle.

I am sure that this adds to his frustration. He is an EXPERT at helping people become fit. He knows exactly what to do. The difference is that people who come to him have already made the decision to do that. They WANT to lose weight and/or improve their fitness and made that decision before coming to him. He doesn't know how to encourage her to WANT to do that. 

I work at a sales/marketing company. I can tell you that it is relatively easy to make a sale when you have people calling you up wanting your product or service. They've already made that decision and you just have to close the deal. It is an entirely different problem and strategy to sell something cold to people, convincing them that they need/want your product or service when they previously had no idea.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> To add insult to injury I've been a very successful personal trainer and fitness consultant for over 20 years


Wow... so you're a personal trainer, and she's been fat for 20 years?

Well personally I would make fat jokes and threaten to buy harpoons heh
But at this stage... why haven't you done something sooner?

Cause chances are this is going to be next to impossible to fix unless SHE herself wants it if she has settled into tubby lifestyle last 20 years.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

If she won't listen or take advice from her personal trainer husband, will she take advice from another trainer or doctor trying to help her lose weight?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Wow... so you're a personal trainer, and she's been fat for 20 years?
> 
> Well personally I would make fat jokes and threaten to buy harpoons heh
> But at this stage... why haven't you done something sooner?
> ...


No, she ballooned up to what she is now from a size 6. It has likely been been a long slow process over those 20 years.

His attraction has probably waned over that time period until it got next to nothing. 

I think that is the crux of the issue ... how to get her to want to change it.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I find it interesting that this thread is on 4 pages and we haven't heard from the OP since he started the thread. I also find it interesting that he posted pretty much this exact same issue over 3 years ago: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/9903-its-probably-been-said-before.html. Looks like nothing has changed in over 3 years...not sure what answer he's looking for.


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## unlovedunfulfilled (Mar 18, 2013)

Your wife gaining weight is not a reason not to love her or to withhold intimacy. She is YOUR WIFE. You've been together a lot of years. Do you mean to say that after all these years, only looks were important to you? that she has no other redeeming quality? I think your wife is probably pretty sad inside for how you are acting toward her and you are making the situation worse. When a woman feels loved and cared for, she will feel good about herself and be receptive to your input. You withholding affection from her is only making her feel worse, and in a way making her rebel against your 'suggestions'. She feels that you should love her anyway, no matter how she looks. You would want the same from her, I imagine, if the shoe were on the other foot.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

unlovedunfulfilled said:


> Your wife gaining weight is not a reason not to love her or to withhold intimacy. She is YOUR WIFE. You've been together a lot of years. Do you mean to say that after all these years, only looks were important to you? that she has no other redeeming quality? I think your wife is probably pretty sad inside for how you are acting toward her and you are making the situation worse. When a woman feels loved and cared for, she will feel good about herself and be receptive to your input. You withholding affection from her is only making her feel worse, and in a way making her rebel against your 'suggestions'. She feels that you should love her anyway, no matter how she looks. You would want the same from her, I imagine, if the shoe were on the other foot.


He has said that he loves her. He has said he is committed to her. He isn't talking about ending the marriage. Love and sex are two different things. Sex can be an expression of love but it doesn't have to be. Sex isn't a requirement of love any more than love is a requirement of sex. Now, sex ... or putting it a better way ... intimacy can reinforce love. You can be intimate without the physical act of having sex. There are couples where one or both of the partners are physically incapable of sex but express their love and share intimacy in other ways. I don't disagree with some of what you have written but I think that distinction needs to be made because some here have expressed opinions that blur the two. 

For the sake of argument, let's put this in a different perspective that has nothing to do with weight. Suppose he has a high sex drive and while they had sex frequently in the early part of their courting and marriage, he discovers that she has a very low sex drive. It is not uncommon for this mismatch between partners. She doesn't feel the need to have sex and stops initiating. In fact, sex to her is just something you do and for her it is somewhat uncomfortable. He (like this man's wife) wants to have sex frequently but she constantly makes excuses and he is rejected almost as frequently as he asks. It just isn't a pleasant experience for her. Sure, she enjoys intimacy and closeness but she could do without the act itself. When she does, she clearly isn't motivated to be a full participant - she just lays there and waits until it's over. Eventually she starts resenting the pressure to have sex and starts denying completely. She reasons that she shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to and she has never really wanted to. She isn't attracted to him sexually or anybody really because she doesn't normally feel sexual.

What is your solution to that situation? Is it ... this is NOT a reason to stop loving him, he is YOUR HUSBAND ... you lay there and you take it when he wants it. It's your duty! 

I doubt that argument is made very often. The argument made the most often is to find a way to increase her sex drive. In other words, solve the problem. After all, there are ways to increase her sex drive. It is a problem that comes with solutions. 

He has come here asking how to solve the problem. She wants more sex but he is not attracted to her. It is causing friction in the marriage and hurts both of them. It is a problem that comes with solutions but he can't solve it on his own. He isn't attracted sexually to morbid obesity ... really fat people. I don't know of any hormones or programs that will change how he feels about that. That isn't to say he isn't part of the solution. It starts with him ... she can't fix a problem if she doesn't know what it is. Furthermore, you are right in that he needs to help her understand that the reason he loves her is for all of her redeeming qualities, not because of how she looks. I do believe that will help her become more open to working on the weight problem. 


All sorts of HD men (and women) have expressed frustration over the scenario above but it sure has heck doesn't draw the criticism that the subject of weight does. 

Weight is certainly a sensitive subject. I think part of the reason that it is sensitive is that so many people struggle with weight. They correctly try to not let it define them. It is a subject that is personal for many. However, the truth is still there that many find it unattractive, especially when it is extreme. Why is it that one of the first things people do when they become single after a long relationship is go on a diet and hit the gym? Because it makes a difference. It makes a difference in how the opposite sex responds to you AND they find out it makes a huge difference in how they feel about themselves. 

How you look is important to sexual appeal. Marketers sure as heck know this and billions of dollars are spent every year on makeup and gym memberships, nice clothes, hair appointments and even tanning salons. Billions more are spent on Botox and breast implants and hair implants. 

Read the threads on infidelity. What are some of the classic signs that a woman is thinking about or having an affair ... they suddenly start working out; they start dressing themselves differently; they put makeup on more often ... they start to make themselves more visually attractive in order to be more sexually attractive. Men start doing the same kind of things. It is one of the sad things about affairs - here they have a partner who loves them and sure there may be problems in the marriage, long term relationships aren't easy, but that person loves them for who they are and is committed to them - they have something missing and instead of figuring that out in the marriage and doing these things for their partner who vowed to be there through thick and thin, they do it for somebody they hardly even know. 

Visual appearance is important to sexual attraction and we would be lying if we said it is all about who we are on the inside.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

There's two separate issues, lack of sex and her weight. 

I think you should start initiating sex. She feels hurt, it creates problems, makes it seem like you don't love her as a person. For you to say, I love you only if you are a certain weight is mean and wrong. 

After you have separated the two, and perhaps tried doing other things together, trips, etc, perhaps she will get out of her funk and realize there is a lot of life ahead.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Perhaps frankly the weight gain disgusts him as compared to what she used to be.

It is possible the new body image does not spark him at all and his sex drive reduced to nothing.

However, I also agree that to totally withold sex for years at a time is cruel and selfish. 

I do agree that the spouse or gf/bf can become less desireable to a mate over time.

What if instead the spouse or gf/bf just exhibited socially unacceptable and nasty behavior, enough that they weren't very attractive anymore?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

His wife has let herself go over the 20 years and now she is very fat. That was her doing and nothing to do with him. He's a fitness trainer and most women would find that exciting, having a hubby in great shape that loves sex. He could of let himself go.......but he didn't. She did!!! She must go to a gym and lose the weight. Most men are attracted to women that dress and look sexy and that means they're in good shape. I don't know any guys who would like it if their gf or wives got very fat and in some cases, divorces would ensue. It's her responsibility to take care of herself, for her health and their sexual times together. The old line, you should love me for me, is just an excuse to let oneself go and get very fat. Not cool. And women like men that are in good shape, sexy and want sex with them as well. Being in good shape tells people you care about your health, longevity, and you're giving the best for your other half. It's no surprise he doesn't find her physically hot anymore and you can't blame him. Either she gets in shape or she hits the road.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Maybe you skipped over reading his last few sentences?


Whoops, I did skip over it! Shame on me. I don't know what else to offer; maybe she's afraid she won't measure up to him? I'm scraping now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> I find it interesting that this thread is on 4 pages and we haven't heard from the OP since he started the thread. I also find it interesting that he posted pretty much this exact same issue over 3 years ago: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/9903-its-probably-been-said-before.html. Looks like nothing has changed in over 3 years...not sure what answer he's looking for.


Troll.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho....are you related to the OP?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> JustSomeGuyWho....are you related to the OP?


Ha! Ahhh, no. I am not OP and not related to him.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Do realize that your lack of interest in sex is contributing to her weight problem. it's a vicious cycle, she gains weight, you lose interest, she loses interest in being attractive, you lose more interest, she gains more weight. I think you should try to restore interest in her, tell her how much you love her, and try to get things back on track. She can only lose weight when she really has that goal.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> Do realize that your lack of interest in sex is contributing to her weight problem. it's a vicious cycle, she gains weight, you lose interest, she loses interest in being attractive, you lose more interest, she gains more weight. I think you should try to restore interest in her, tell her how much you love her, and try to get things back on track. She can only lose weight when she really has that goal.


The lack of sex and attention causes pain and stress, which is likely causing her to eat more to kill the pain, plus it's a poison to be drinking when your SO doesn't really want you and you know it, you will become physically less attractive.

I'd sprinkle in some love with a helping hand to get your wife back on track. Get the bee's with the honey first and help her to see the light.


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