# How can she compartmentalize?



## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

My wife of 15 years has this strange ability to compartmentalize everything that we are going through. She gave me the I love you, but . . . speech about a month ago and wants a divorce. We are still in the same house for a while, but she only really talks to me when she has too. Yet, she carries on with the rest of my family like everything is fine -- and she knows that they know what is going on. I am shocked at her ability to put me in one box -- someone she doesn't want to be with anymore -- and to put everything else in another box -- life will be fine after the divorce; just like it was before but for H. I really think this is delusional. Anyone else see this in their situation?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

My wife said the same thing. After divorce, things will be like they are now.

My wife detached over 18 months or so. Got the "speech." Also, got the, "you deserve to be with someone better who will love you and make you happy." Very confusing. And, my initial, let's go to counseling, let's fix this, fell on deaf ears.

It's the most pain I've ever felt. Horrible. I don't know what happened to my wife, the woman I fell in love with and loved for years. She's not there anymore. 

I continue to love her, and it is very hard to love someone when she does not reciprocate. I get sad and mad within minutes.

I wish I hadn't filed for divorce. I wonder if, during this separation, she would have come around to possibilities.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Jayb said:


> My wife said the same thing. After divorce, things will be like they are now.
> 
> My wife detached over 18 months or so. Got the "speech." Also, got the, "you deserve to be with someone better who will love you and make you happy." Very confusing. And, my initial, let's go to counseling, let's fix this, fell on deaf ears.
> 
> ...


Same feeling exactly. I often find myself wondering where she went. We used to be so in love, talked about everything. Now... poof. The last several times I talked to her she acted like I was a stranger almost, not someone whom had so intimately shared the last eight years with her. It was devastating. If they could find a way to weaponize the emotional trauma that one goes through with this, it would be better than any WMD on the planet.
I also wonder if I should have filed the papers. I still have my doubts as to whether she had an affair, but she signed them, so I guess thats admission. But I just think, "What if I'd given it a little more time. Made her miss me more..." But its mute. Its over now and as much as I want to march into her office and declare my love or some other romantic movie scene, whats the point? It's never going to get the reaction I want. And if she ever had those feelings again, it would be up to her to reach out to me. I did all I could before it ended.
I still love her, too. And I always will, but its the memory that I love. Not the woman that she's become.


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

mrmagoo said:


> Yes, it is common. Men don't realize that women generally detach from the relationship for months or years leading up to "the talk." . . . it's just that men don't see the marriage being blown up over something that may be fairly nebulous.


Agree with everything you say here. I'm still confused as to why she has given up -- that's a whole 'nother thread. But what I'm also confused about is how she can put me in the "I don't love you as a husband" box while still putting my family, the kids, and the rest of our life in the "we can all be friends, this will actually be better for everyone" box. That would be nice, and maybe that could happen in time, but my family (particularly my brothers and sisters) are pissed and the kids have little to no idea of what is about to hit them. Her view of how things will be just seems a little too easy and clean for me.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

njdad said:


> Agree with everything you say here. I'm still confused as to why she has given up -- that's a whole 'nother thread. But what I'm also confused about is how she can put me in the "*I don't love you as a husband" box while still putting my family, the kids, and the rest of our life in the "we can all be friends, this will actually be better for everyone" *box. That would be nice, and maybe that could happen in time, but my family (particularly my brothers and sisters) are pissed and the kids have little to no idea of what is about to hit them. Her view of how things will be just seems a little too easy and clean for me.



Yep. Or even, "we're so great as friends, but, I can't or won't love you beyond that." Not willing to try for you, the children, or anyone.

Meanwhile, there is no other man. And, I am making changes in my life that are healthy and positive.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

SRN said:


> Same feeling exactly. I often find myself wondering where she went. We used to be so in love, talked about everything. Now... poof. *The last several times I talked to her she acted like I was a stranger almost, not someone whom had so intimately shared the last eight years with her*. It was devastating. If they could find a way to weaponize the emotional trauma that one goes through with this, it would be better than any WMD on the planet.
> I also wonder if I should have filed the papers. I still have my doubts as to whether she had an affair, but she signed them, so I guess thats admission. But I just think, "What if I'd given it a little more time. Made her miss me more..." But its mute. Its over now and as much as I want to march into her office and declare my love or some other romantic movie scene, whats the point? It's never going to get the reaction I want. And if she ever had those feelings again, it would be up to her to reach out to me. I did all I could before it ended.
> I still love her, too. And I always will, but its the memory that I love. Not the woman that she's become.



I get this feeling sometimes when I laugh and touch my wife. Like, what has happened to us?

I readily admit my failings in our marriage. What is hard is realizing those failings, asking for forgiveness, and changing for the better, is not enough for my wife to give us another chance.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

C'mon guys, we have talked this issue to death.

Once a spouse emotionally checks out, the BS has a 5% chance of saving the marriage. It is then time to go dark, do a complete 180 and work on moving on with your life. Nothing more you can do.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

mrmagoo said:


> Bandit, 100% on point as are always. The 180 is amaing because it will cause movement/focus. For me, it has caused her very slowly to come back into the fold. Crazy and empowering thing is, now I have to decide, do I want to come back into the fold?
> 
> Very very difficult decisions.


I found that once I went dark and worked the 180, the process changed me more than it changed my wife's behavior. I'm now to the point where I have diconnected enough that there is no way I would take her back, even if she debased herself naked in front of me at City Hall at noon.


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