# Trust Issues



## phoebebianx (Nov 16, 2016)

I am having trust issues with my husband. First all we, we are 5 months into our marriage and we have one 4month old baby. We were together for 1.5years before getting married. Before I met my husband, he is somewhat of a "playboy" or a "flirt". He would talk to random girls, add random girls on his facebook. I saw his old fb messengers before, he would talk to two girls at the same time. It's fine with me because that was before and I know all guys are like that, they have this stage where they tend to flirt around through online or not online. he had an ex before me. and i got traumatized because we were already together that time and he was still talking to her. he already told me that they were not talking but it happened that they still are. he was tellig me that they are just friends and its like he was just finalizing things with her etc like some sort of closure. i accepted the idea that he might have two time me and his ex and he picked me. i never got the chance to really know why they were still talking. the time i found out about it, he had blocked her on his fb and ig accounts. but that traumatized me. i still fear that he will still chat online with random girls or he would use his email to communicate with them. recently, i saw tapatalk emails on his email about his feed. i am already scared that he might be upto no good again. basically what happened before made a big impact on me. i dont want to be like this anymore. always worried that he might womanize or something. its the online chat thing and fb messages that im worried about. we already talked about it he told me the past is the past we must move on we are married he will never betray my trust etc. i believe him but why does he dont have the tapatalk app on his phone? i kust diacovered it on his email. its like he is hiding it from me? but before getting married, he talked to me already and told me that he will never do anything to hurt me or his family (me and our son). he already found his true love with me and he will never do anything to sabotage our marriage. he is done with that phase already. i can see he is doing a good job but i fear what if its because he is a doing a good job in hiding all the evidences? thats how paranoid i am already. any help is appreciated. 


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

phoebebianx said:


> . i believe him but why does he dont have the tapatalk app on his phone? i kust diacovered it on his email. its like he is hiding it from me?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Maybe I don't understand how Tapatalk works. You're using it. And he's using it? What's the issue?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

phoebebianx said:


> It's fine with me because that was before and I know all guys are like that
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah, no they're not. He sounds like a serial cheater. I think the question you need to ask yourself is why aren't you asking him these questions? Are afraid of the answers? Or, that he'll lie? 
Adults in a committed relationship shouldn't have opposite sex friends on facebook. Why does he?


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## phoebebianx (Nov 16, 2016)

katies said:


> Yeah, no they're not. He sounds like a serial cheater. I think the question you need to ask yourself is why aren't you asking him these questions? Are afraid of the answers? Or, that he'll lie?
> 
> Adults in a committed relationship shouldn't have opposite sex friends on facebook. Why does he?




well basically its like this, he used to chat with random girls in facebook. he said that it was just before. he was just looking for a friend and he was not commited to anyone and he thinks there is nothing wrong with that since he was still single that time. but i am paranoid that he will do it again. 


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## phoebebianx (Nov 16, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> Maybe I don't understand how Tapatalk works. You're using it. And he's using it? What's the issue?




i just tried it now, right after seeing the emails. i figured i should maybe check what this app is all about. and yes i am paranoid that he might talk to random girls again and decided to post here just to help enlighten myself. i know i am paranoid already. 


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

So to be clear, he has NOT cheated on you and any interaction with other women was BEFORE you? But what worries you is that when he was single he would flirt with multiple women?


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## phoebebianx (Nov 16, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> So to be clear, he has NOT cheated on you and any interaction with other women was BEFORE you? But what worries you is that when he was single he would flirt with multiple women?




when he was still single before i met him yes he would flirt with women i am scared that now, being married he might be like that again 


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

phoebebianx said:


> when he was still single before i met him yes he would flirt with women i am scared that now, being married he might be like that again
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That is your own insecurities talking. You need to get ahold of that or you will ruin this relationship. A single man has the right to flirt with as many women as he wants as long as he's not telling any of them he's committed to them. That's part of the beauty of being single. 

Has he given you ANY indication that he's been unfaithful or any reason to worry? If your only complaint is Tapatalk - I had that app on my phone - when I belonged to a forum for Golden Retrievers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phoebebianx (Nov 16, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> That is your own insecurities talking. You need to get ahold of that or you will ruin this relationship. A single man has the right to flirt with as many women as he wants as long as he's not telling any of them he's committed to them. That's part of the beauty of being single.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




well it's more of im scared because when we were together (not yet married) he was still talking to his ex. he was like closing everything for proper closure or something. so i am paranoid because he promised me that they were not talking then i just caught them talking. thats the reason why im paranoid


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling?

If it was recently he has been talking to his ex, tell him how you feel and set boundaries.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Maybe he didn't view your relationship as that serious yet, when he was talking to her. Having an insecure and controlling nature will only push your husband away from you. You can't base your relationship on things that happened before you and him got together in a serious relationship.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

phoebebianx said:


> Well it's more of I'm scared because when we were together (not yet married) he was still talking to his ex. he was like closing everything for proper closure or something. *so I am paranoid because he promised me that they were not talking then I just caught them talking. that's the reason why I'm paranoid
> *


Phoe,

Your married a very short time and your posting on a Coping with Infidelity site... Hmmm. First, I'm not speculating on whether your H is cheating now or will cheat on you in future. My crystal ball was shattered years ago. 

You state "Trust Issues". You've seen how widely opinions vary here with trust. Granted, trust is probably one of the cornerstones of marriage. But (always the but), trust can also be the single most destructive trait to a marriage. 

Ok call me jaded. I was cheated on for years by my WW. *How could I be so blind not to see it.* In retrospect, the flags looked like halftime on Friday night. In a word... *TRUST.
*
Look... Why do we lock our doors? Walk our kids to the bus? Have Insurance? Get a checkup? But are "told" to blindly put our marriage on trust auto-pilot? I'm not talking paranoid, but If "trust issues" means that you verify the validity of what's being said and the action of your spouse... Good for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

phoebebianx said:


> well it's more of im scared because when we were together (not yet married) he was still talking to his ex. he was like closing everything for proper closure or something.


How long did it take him to have this 'closure?' One conversation? Six? Twenty?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

phoebebianx :. I don't fully get the closure thing... But people are different. I am actually still friends with women in my past. We may talk at the club or a little chat here in there on Facebook and I am not trying to do anything or vice versa. Currently I'm having conversations with a female friend of mine who I have known for 8 years... I'm giving her friendly advice about her alcoholic boyfriend. 

I have had sex with over a hundred women before I met my wife 6 years ago... She knows this and has Friended some of them. Unfortunately she too had anxiety for a couple of years because of my old ways and past sexual experience. She thought I would cheat on her, but instead she cheated on me. Today we talk a lot more about our anxieties or anything else that affects heart relationship.

Keep in mind you just had a baby so you may have some post-mortom depression which can cause problems and nothing to be ashamed about.

Even for us guys having a new baby is a big deal ,. especially if this is his first child and you are the one he picked. so please have a honest conversation with him about your fears and what you 2 can do together for the long run. I made a promise to my wife on our first date that would never do anything behind her back on purpose.

I've made mistakes and continue to work together to be a team. All couples make mistakes. Being married requires work and effort from both of you.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I disagree that you can't bring up/fuss about the past. You can but it must be done before marriage. If a promiscuous person's past will haunt you you should know that beforehand and leave before vows are exchanged. When you are married to them and always bringing up old stuff it makes you look petty and stuck in the past. Not saying your feelings aren't valid, OP. However you decided to give him a chance therefore constantly being suspicious of him for past indiscretions will not make this relationship flourish.


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