# How much can be done out of court?



## justwow (May 31, 2011)

I have a question. My wife and I are going to probably get a divorce. I am going to talk to a lawyer first, but I have a question. How much of the decision making (child custody, etc) can be done out of court? I would imagine that every situation is different, and what works for someone may not work for the next person. However, going into court and leaving the judge to decide everything scares the crap outta me. I would much rather try and be civil with my wife long enough to agree on super important things, like getting joint physical custody (50/50, don't know what the legal term is) for example. Anyone?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Around here (Canada) the two parties and their lawyers can decide everything outside of court and as long as the legalities are met, the judges are happy to get you out of there quickly, AFAIK. Heck, if you and your spouse can work well enough together, you and her can do it all yourself, get legal counsel to make sure its good, then take it to the judge. Saves tons of cash and time, and reduces hard feelings.

But I would make one of your first questions for your lawyer "how can we make this as painless as possible for everyone?". Of course, the people that lose in that case is the lawyer... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Everything can be decided outside of court here in the US. You then file an agreement with the county in which you reside, the presiding judge signs it, and you have to wait 60 days for the decree to be made. Most often if not always in a court situation the judge requires mediation anyways to absolve as much as possible in issues. The stbxw and I are going through a mediator/attorney to file and keep things out of court.
Be aware however, that the "mediator" is often necessary to talk some freaking sense into both of you all in order to get the agreement approval-worthy in the courts perspective. this is a good thing, you dont want to have to amend things and keep going back. I learned a lot going over to dadsdivorce.com and reading.


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## justwow (May 31, 2011)

I just read a bit about mediation, and that sounds like the best way. Sounds like most judges / states require it anyway, and that's kind of what I am looking for. Despite how we feel about each other, I would like to keep as much of the decision making as possible in the hands of my wife and I. If everything goes well in mediation, can you decide all the terms of the divorce (most importantly child visitation, but also finances, property, etc.) in mediation and then just turn your agreement in to the judge to have him agree to it (hopefully)? That really sounds like the best course to me.I really don't want the kids to hear mommy and daddy bickering back and forth in court.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I think everyone's situation is different. We are actually going to do everything ourselves. Our state allows pro se divorce. Keep in mind though, our situation is kind of unique. No kids, we both have good paying jobs, we are both paying off all debt before we separate and getting our own places so by the time our divorce gets filed, and we go sign (60 days) we will have a noncontested divorce and no assets to split. Ours should be straight forward.


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## justwow (May 31, 2011)

Well, I live in california, and from what I've read (although I admit I have only done research today) it looks like we can go through mediation, agree on everything and the mediator will draw up the documents, have individual attorneys check out the docs, and them have them submitted to a judge without us having to even go to court up to that point. Granted, that is an ideal situation, but I sure hope that is what happens. If we go to court and have the judge decide things after fighting it out, then I'm sure that we will have animosity towards each other, which wouldn't be good for the kids. From what I've read, mediation seems like the best way to deal with a crappy situation. We do have children, debt, and property to discuss though.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Like everyone has said, you should be able to hammer out what you want ahead of time and have someone draw up legal papers. Hell, go online. You can get some cookie cutter divorce paperwork for like $300. I swear, once the lawyers pounce in is when it gets ugly. Everyone I know thought their divorce was civil until lawyers got their meathooks into the case.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

staircase said:


> Like everyone has said, you should be able to hammer out what you want ahead of time and have someone draw up legal papers. Hell, go online. You can get some cookie cutter divorce paperwork for like $300. I swear, once the lawyers pounce in is when it gets ugly. Everyone I know thought their divorce was civil until lawyers got their meathooks into the case.


Although my son is a lawyer - :iagree:
(OK, he is not a civil, family law, nor criminal lawyer, he is a patent attorney - makes me feel a little better - :rofl


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

The one criminal lawyer I know is the coolest, nicest guy and that scares me. I'm pretty sure he could get anyone to believe anything he says. Being a tall dude who looks good in a suit doesn't hurt his case, either.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

staircase said:


> The one criminal lawyer I know is the coolest, nicest guy and that scares me. I'm pretty sure he could get anyone to believe anything he says. Being a tall dude who looks good in a suit doesn't hurt his case, either.


LOL. Yip. When he graduated from law school I made it perfectly clear to him that I was not going to stop telling lawyer jokes. LOL. Eh, he's a great kid, I love him and he knows it!


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## justwow (May 31, 2011)

Well, I have an appointment with a god lawyer on Monday. I talked to my stbxw and she has agreed that mediation is the best route to go, and from the sound of it we should be able to agree on most stuff before we even go into mediation.

I have read that it takes a minimum of six months and a day in california for divorces to become final. Is that true, or maybe I am mistaken? Why so long? If we fill out all the paperwork in mediation and come to terms, I don't understand why there should be any further holdup.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

justwow said:


> Well, I have an appointment with a god lawyer on Monday. I talked to my stbxw and she has agreed that mediation is the best route to go, and from the sound of it we should be able to agree on most stuff before we even go into mediation.
> 
> I have read that it takes a minimum of six months and a day in california for divorces to become final. Is that true, or maybe I am mistaken? Why so long? If we fill out all the paperwork in mediation and come to terms, I don't understand why there should be any further holdup.


Could be one of two things, or both; they want to make sure there is enough time given for cooler heads to prevail and are hoping there is a reconcilation - or - their case load is so heavy, that is the earliest they can get you on the docket.


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