# Why does my husband have a low sex drive?



## nikkieb (Nov 3, 2011)

We've been married for over 5 years. He's mid forties, I'm late thirties. We have two children 4 and 1.5 year old. If not for me getting angry and bringing it up, we could go a long time without sex. I'm over it. I don't understand why most threads here are men complaining. Is my man broken? 

Please men. Give me some advice. I don't know what to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he gone in for any medical tests? He's an age where his drive might be naturally declining. Is he active? Working out can boost testosterone levels. Has he had any ED issues? They can destroy a man's self confidence, and keep him from initiating because he's concerned about not being able.

Did you ever have a "healthy" sex life? What would that mean to you? What does "a long time" mean to you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nikkieb (Nov 3, 2011)

He's healthy... at healthy weight. I don't believe he's ever had a testosterone drawn, but he says that no he is not going to have the drive he did at 18 yo. I'm not aware of any ED issues. We spent a considerable time trying to conceive baby #1, and it took a toll I'm sure.

I'm just surprised the tables are turned in my marriage. When other women I know complain about their hypersexual husbands, I'm quick to point out that having a healthy sex life in your marriage is a good thing. Not having one, like in my marriage, is slowly killing it. I'm not really sure what to do about it at this point.

When we met and married, we definitely did have a healthier sex life though it was on my mind a little bit since we had a couple friend that never had sex... as in a couple of years... we'd always joke about it but now here we are.

When I bring it up to him, he's quick to turn the tables blaming me and all the things I do. He says I don't put off a vibe of wanting it. Sometimes I'd just like for him to grab me and just have his way. THAT. Will. Never. Happen.


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

nikkieb said:


> We've been married for over 5 years. He's mid forties, I'm late thirties. We have two children 4 and 1.5 year old. If not for me getting angry and bringing it up, we could go a long time without sex. I'm over it. I don't understand why most threads here are men complaining. Is my man broken?
> 
> Please men. Give me some advice. I don't know what to do.


I am not male but have gone through the same thing husband went to the doc turns out low testosterone he now gets a shot once a month and things are better. I took it personal and it was heart breaking things still aren't back 100% but it is better than it was. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyHusband (Sep 2, 2011)

nikkieb said:


> He's healthy... at healthy weight. I don't believe he's ever had a testosterone drawn, but he says that no he is not going to have the drive he did at 18 yo. I'm not aware of any ED issues. We spent a considerable time trying to conceive baby #1, and it took a toll I'm sure.
> 
> I'm just surprised the tables are turned in my marriage. When other women I know complain about their hypersexual husbands, I'm quick to point out that having a healthy sex life in your marriage is a good thing. Not having one, like in my marriage, is slowly killing it. I'm not really sure what to do about it at this point.
> 
> ...



I may not be most men, but I've found that at 40, my sex drive is just as strong as when I was 18...maybe stronger...my situation is similar, my marriage is sexless, not a way to live....


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, a lot of the same issues that plague women with lower sex drive can also plague men too.

I've read that it's estimated 1 out of 5 men have a lower libido. In any case, there can be any number of causes, so you'll have to go through a process of elimination.

Men's testosterone starts to decline like 1% every year starting around 40 or so, sometimes taking a bigger jump down between 45 - 50. Getting his T levels tested is an easy blood test. So is a test for thyroid. So, a check-up might be a good place to start for those kinds of things.

Next, what is your relationship like? Relational issues - anger, resentments, feeling pushed/prodded/smothered - can all turn somebody off.

Is he on any kind of medications?

What is sex like when you have it? Is he able to perform okay - no ED? Sometimes guys will have some performance anxiety and will start to shy away from having sex. And, how do you initiate?

How about masturbation? Is it excessive or chronic? Could he be masturbating and having no sexual energy left over for you?

Here's a list you can start working through of various causes:

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

Best wishes.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Testosterone is a major factor when it comes to a mans drive. He might have low T.

Is your husband on any type of medication? some types of medication can lower drive, desire etc. 

and possibly be masturbating and having no sexual energy left over for you?


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

I don't think he care merely blame it on age -- I'm in my late 30s and I swear I'm hornier than when I was 16. Sometimes I wish it less so -- imagined how much more productive I'd be if I weren't thinking about sex all the time!

But seriously, he should definitely have his testosterone checked, it's a huge component of libido (for both men & women).

Also are there any other behavioral changes?

I think you also need to convey that sex isn't just about sex & release, it a way you used to feel close to him and that is important to you to feel that.


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## EddieJ333 (Mar 10, 2012)

Have you ever tried to play roles with him? I'm talking about that method of making an agreement to play the role of knowing each other in a public place like some bar or coffee shop, any place you feel comfortable in, pretending that you are complete strangers, that he approaches and seduces you, for having an intimate encounter in some hotel room. I made it just to help him to recover the interest, and amazingly it was a huge excitement for ME too! We had the best sex in years of matrimony, and best of all, I had it with my husband, without the need of cheating on him. It works amazingly fine to recover the passion lost by years of relationship, or for men who has lost the attraction they felt for their woman at the beginning. Just try it once, and you’ll see your relationship with him starting again. You must do it convincing yourselves that the other is a complete stranger. One secret: if you can afford, you both must buy some new clothes and wear them on that day, you should try another hairstyle too. That skyrockets for him the sensation of being with another person. You’ll see that for him and for you too, the simple pretension of being with a stranger lights the fire again. Because that fantasy woks for the primest persons, no one could resist the excitement it brings up. You’ll see it. That method lights the fire again.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I don't want to get too technical but libido comes from the brain, chemical imbalances can affect the brain entirely (regarding libido, limbic system), make sure your diets are healthy, and both of you are working on stablizing your mental health as much of physical health through. If you do go to the doctor don't rely on the meds to fix your problem entirely, because neither I or anyone on here, and neither the doctor KNOW your lifestyles.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

the most common reason for "low sex drive" is porn. The man has gotten his brain de-sensitized from porn. It's not his fault. Now his brain no longer is very interested in "plain vanilla" sex when the brain has gotten accustomed to an endless parade of hotties doing outrageous things.

The second most common reason relates to the first. And it is that men fear performance problems so they plead low libido. They are in fact masturbating without erectile problems but the porn makes them doubt they can perform with real sex so they don't put themselves in that potentially embarrassing and devastating position.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

mattcook said:


> *the most common reason for "low sex drive" is porn.* The man has gotten his brain *de-sensitized *from porn. It's not his fault. Now his brain no longer is very interested in* "plain vanilla" sex *when the brain has gotten accustomed to an endless parade of hotties doing outrageous things.
> 
> The second most common reason relates to the first. And it is that men fear performance problems so they plead low libido. They are in fact masturbating without erectile problems but the porn makes them doubt they can perform with real sex so they don't put themselves in that potentially embarrassing and devastating position.


This is true and the reason why is because the brain works with chemicals. Dopamine is a neuro transmitter, its a chemical that turns on the reward part of the brain, pornography greatly affects the brain. Orgasm is one of the biggest hits of dopamine. Dopamine is like gasoline it moves your car, to get to where you want to go. Dopamine is sent out to activate the reward circuitry of the brain that gets you feeling good, from good food, good experience to sex for orgasm, etc.
Everyone is hooked on dopamine, it drives you to say, orgasm but after orgasm the brain uses opiates, rewards the body, dopamine drops by dopamine recepters neutralizing the dopamine, so if there is dopamine overload the brain has to make more receptors blah blah.
We like new things, reason why most couples want novelty, dopamine loves new things, lets try this, put this costume on, lets try that etc. 

I don't want to write a discertation here, read for yourselves 'Google' the "coolidge affect" to give you an understanding, you don't need to have a phd to understand this stuff.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sorry you're going through this. It disgusts me..yes disgusts me when men don't have the normal sex required to maintain a marriage. For pete's sake we're men! A warm blooded female wants it and he just turns it down. Utter fail.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Yes, many men have low sex drives. Some even have none (asexuals).

I, like you, never even heard of such a thing until I married one (LD) & did my research.

I am sorry he blames you - that is wrong.

Maybe try counseling.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This post is almost a year old.


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