# That was 8 years ago.



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

The bit that she recorded on her phone before the whole thing escalated and he got up and went and slept in the living room. He says it started when she woke him up and started on him. She say it started when he ignored her sexually for four days, which she took to mean he was seeing someone else. 

“If I die would you marry another?”
“No,not at all.”
“Why is that then? Have I been that bad to you that you hate being married?”
“No, Its because I would feel disloyal to you.”
“Are you saying you are loyal to me, really, since when? What about that tart, Amelia? Was that loyalty? “
“ Please do not drag Amelia into this. You know I learnt my lesson and have never looked at another woman since.”
“How can I possibly know that? You humiliated me to everyone and showed you don’t care about our kids. If you are so loyal why would you think to do that to your own family? “
“That was 8 years ago and we were going through a bad patch. Please lets not talk about that.”
“So if we are going through a bad patch I should get Mish or Jamie to have sex with me, really?”
“Who is Mish? Who is Jamie? What are you trying to tell me? “
“I am asking you. Don’t turn this round. It is you who had sex with Amelia and bought her a motorbike with our house keeping money. Don’t make it out that there is a Mish or anyone else I had sex with.”
“So why are you talking about them and death. If you care about our kids why are you discussing your death with me? 



They are both stressed but for different reasons. We have visited them and just tried to relax them but they are are finding it difficult. What advice could we give them? We are out with them this weekend.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> The bit that she recorded on her phone before the whole thing escalated and he got up and went and slept in the living room. He says it started when she woke him up and started on him. She say it started when he ignored her sexually for four days, which she took to mean he was seeing someone else.
> 
> “If I die would you marry another?”
> “No,not at all.”
> ...


No offense, but the only advise you need to be providing is for them to find a marriage counselor asap and to leave you all out of their marital problems.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Lila said:


> No offense, but the only advise you need to be providing is for them to find a marriage counselor asap and to leave you all out of their marital problems.


They went for counselling 8 years ago and yes maybe they need to go again.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> They went for counselling 8 years ago and yes maybe they need to go again.


And yet, even 8yrs later unresolved. This is a case of text book R.J. is it not?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> And yet, even 8yrs later unresolved. This is a case of text book R.J. is it not?


I'm pretty sure this is a case of rug swept infidelity. The wife never got over his affair.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Lila said:


> I'm pretty sure this is a case of rug swept infidelity. The wife never got over his affair.


So is it time up or is more counselling.? 
She thinks if he is not seeking her sexually he must have had it somewhere else. It is always the trigger. 
What could counselling do? That is if they would go again.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I think it's over, even after the counselor they didn't advance any.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

This is the result of the cheating, and what it does to the human physic.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > I'm pretty sure this is a case of rug swept infidelity. The wife never got over his affair.
> ...


They need to find a counselor who excels at dealing with infidelity. One that can help her with PTSD.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Removed by Moderator


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> They went for counselling 8 years ago and yes maybe they need to go again.


*There's no "maybe" to it! They need to go to the MC, pronto, as in "present tense!"*


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

What a childish exchange. This was in front of visitors?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MaiChi said:


> The bit that she recorded on her phone before the whole thing escalated and he got up and went and slept in the living room. He says it started when she woke him up and started on him. She say it started when he ignored her sexually for four days, which she took to mean he was seeing someone else.
> 
> A “If I die would you marry another?”
> B “No,not at all.”
> ...


Time to end the marriage. 8 years? Nope. This is unhealthy for everyone including you. 
He did something toxic, marriage ending and life altering. 
She never let it go. 
Notice, I didn’t say forget. Then she inserts unknown names, to make matters worse.

Personally, counseling would be a waste.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

it shows a WH that has not done the work to recover from his affair.
it shows a BW that needs an IC to heal.
it shows a WH that needs IC to do the work to recover his marriage.

it takes more than a WS to go NC with their AP to recover from an affair.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She is stuck in a loop that he does not comprehend. She is suffering from PTSD caused by his infidelity.

He is not suffering from anything at all, and she sees it.

Sad situation. I know that trauma, i suffered from it for many years. My ex-wife was just awful.

I was devastated. As this lady is.

I agree, she will not heal if she stays with the source of her trauma.

He is just fine. A bit annoyed that she doesn't drop it, but a day after they split? He'll watch a baseball game and get over it.

She? She will take years reflecting on every detail, over and over.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> So is it time up or is more counselling.?
> 
> She thinks if he is not seeking her sexually he must have had it somewhere else. It is always the trigger.
> 
> What could counselling do? That is if they would go again.


People can learn to deal productively with anything if they choose to do so. 

The counseling years ago might have helped them with what they were dealing with at that time.

Today they are dealing with something different. She is clearly very insecure right now if she gets like this after 4 days of no sexual attention. Her initial question was a setup. There is no way he could answer it that would have prevented her traveling down the road of beating him over the head with his cheating history.

One thing that she needs to learn is that if she wants to have a good marriage with him, she has to not do this kind of nonsense. 

And he needs to learn that she needs a lot of support from him because his infidelity basically broke her.

Yea, they need more counseling to learn how to deal with this stage of their marriage.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

OnTheRocks said:


> What a childish exchange. This was in front of visitors?


No the had this at home and once it started she started recording it on her phone.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

He seems pretty much unremorseful and she seems to like to **** test him.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> He seems pretty much unremorseful and she seems to like to **** test him.


His mother is on the case and she has always supported her daughter in law since he did what he did. She stopped her car by ours, (my drier is in the garage) wound the window down and simply said, "Thanks for your support, please don't get tired. They need it."

His dad did not say anything but he was nodding his head. This was Sunday late morning.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> They went for counselling 8 years ago and yes maybe they need to go again.


First off, MOST, and I know that is a strong statement, but MOST marriage counselors SUCK, and an even higher percentage suck even more with infidelity. 

Second, they did not have a counselor that could help them deal with the infidelity. He, H, is rug sweeping and minimizing his affair. She, W, can't get over it because it was rug swept from the start. So they are both stuck. 

Frankly, it is the Husbands fault because he did not do the work to find out how to help his wife heal, he just wants it swept under the rug. In shout, he is an Ass-hole. 

So if they want to stay together, they have to start over, for real.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Her real problem is her.....She needs self refection and to work on herself.
His real problem is him......May be a bit of a Narc. 2% change he will ever change.

MC will not help.
IC for her maybe, if she will take it to heart.
I doubt either one will do what it takes.
D in the future for these guys.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Why on earth this woman didn't just leave him years ago after she caught him and stop wasting her life on him trying to "reconcile" is a mystery for the ages.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why on earth this woman didn't just leave him years ago after she caught him and stop wasting her life on him trying to "reconcile" is a mystery for the ages.


Leaving, is not as easy as it sounds. I have always thought to leave if certain situations happen, but I have seen a lot of people fail to leave. A lot of pressure to forgive is given by well meaning family members and some friends. There are situations where neither your mind nor your emotion can win. 

A man I work with came back to work this week on phased return after 14 weeks off because his wife had sex with her boss at her work place. He is on tablets for depression and meantime she has moved out to the boss's house and seems happy while he suffers. He would have her back if she comes back he says. We do these things to one another.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> Leaving, is not as easy as it sounds. I have always thought to leave if certain situations happen, but I have seen a lot of people fail to leave. A lot of pressure to forgive is given by well meaning family members and some friends. There are situations where neither your mind nor your emotion can win.
> 
> A man I work with came back to work this week on phased return after 14 weeks off because his wife had sex with her boss at her work place. He is on tablets for depression and meantime she has moved out to the boss's house and seems happy while he suffers. He would have her back if she comes back he says. We do these things to one another.


remember that the BS was happy to marry their WS, was not looking to 
cheat or end their marriage.

so when their world gets blown up their initial reaction is to put their
world back together again.


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