# Does It Ever End?



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Things have been going well in our R. It has been two years since my wife's EA and she has shown real remorse. But there are times when this disaster still creeps up.

For example, we were hanging out with some friends this weekend when a women mentioned OM. She had hosted OM's daughter for a sleepover with her daughter and just went on and on about what a nice and sweet guy OM was. She then asked why we don't hang out with OM and OMW anymore and didn't we use to be good friends. My wife answered that we had moved(OM used to be a neighbor) and their kids weren't our kids ages and then changed the subject. 

It just brings it up and I still feel anger with both my wife because of the damage done to our relationship and anger toward OM(he was a close friend) and I really didn't like other people thinking he was a nice guy. I don't always feel this bitter but I did this weekend. 

I guess my questions is this - It's been 2 years and I know it takes time to heal. Are any of you dealing with this 5 years, 10 years or even longer out?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We're three years out and I still trigger from time to time. It's pretty 'normal' for someone who has been so traumatized. I deal with them as they come up, and he's a huge help to me when I do. He is always very apologetic and remorseful when he knows what happened. It only takes me minutes or hours now to deal with triggers, whereas it used to be days.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

10 yrs ... never going to feel warm and fuzzy when she is brought up or things get brought up that trigger you. Sorry....you still trigger 10yrs later just not as often and you just look at your spouse and say; ...."you were a real idiot you know"....he says; "yeah I know, but a lovable idiot right" and on you go....still trigger just not as painful a past you survived together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> We're three years out and I still trigger from time to time. It's pretty 'normal' for someone who has been so traumatized. I deal with them as they come up, and he's a huge help to me when I do. He is always very apologetic and remorseful when he knows what happened. It only takes me minutes or hours now to deal with triggers, whereas it used to be days.


Thanks Hope. I guess I'm still in the "days" time frame. There are days when I'm just tired of having to deal with it. 

Unfortunately, we will have to deal with it for a few more years as OMW teaches at my kids school. Their kids go there too so I'll have to see OM every once in a while. 

I wonder if we ever get to a point where we don't trigger at all?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

No....unfortunately....

I triggered up until about the 3.5, 4yr mark. Once I let my guard down I triggered again...but only b/c he was starting to engage in an EA at year 5 of R....


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> No....unfortunately....
> 
> I triggered up until about the 3.5, 4yr mark. Once I let my guard down I triggered again...but only b/c he was starting to engage in an EA at year 5 of R....


Sorry to hear that vi_bride. I need to figure out my way around this website so I can read your thread. I hope all is better now.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm glad you asked this because i've been beating myself up all day for taking two steps back last night and it's only been a month or so since I found out the details. I don't even know what triggered it. I just got so angry all the sudden. I had a melt down at work with my husband, in front of an employee. Luckily it was so loud they couldn't hear what we were saying. My husband even started crying. It was bad. I guess it's all part of the super FUN process though. I just wish my head was in a better place. I hate giving someone so much power over me now. 

Sorry you are going through this too!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> Things have been going well in our R. It has been two years since my wife's EA and she has shown real remorse. But there are times when this disaster still creeps up.
> 
> For example, we were hanging out with some friends this weekend when a women mentioned OM. She had hosted OM's daughter for a sleepover with her daughter and just went on and on about what a nice and sweet guy OM was. She then asked why we don't hang out with OM and OMW anymore and didn't we use to be good friends. My wife answered that we had moved(OM used to be a neighbor) and their kids weren't our kids ages and then changed the subject.
> 
> ...


15 years out. Yeah, it still hurts/irritates me. Maybe not as much, but it's still there.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: Does It Ever End?*



In The Dark said:


> Sorry to hear that vi_bride. I need to figure out my way around this website so I can read your thread. I hope all is better now.


Yes and no...

I don't trigger anymore....so thats good. But I still have to deal with his passive agressive behavior b.s even after leaving him over a year ago.....erg


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

ITD, For me I thought that I would be over it in a year or so. Nope, I trigger now and again. Never completely dies. It stinks I just want to move on. I have dealt with it in a healthy way, still hanging on. It never ceases to amaze how deep the hurt goes. Now that I'm older and somewhat wiser I know where my triggers are and I attempt to avoid them as best I can.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Rottdad42 said:


> ITD, For me I thought that I would be over it in a year or so. Nope, I trigger now and again. Never completely dies. It stinks I just want to move on. I have dealt with it in a healthy way, still hanging on. It never ceases to amaze how deep the hurt goes. Now that I'm older and somewhat wiser I know where my triggers are and I attempt to avoid them as best I can.


Sometimes you get an upset stomach. Sometimes you stub your toe and it hurts... Those things will always be there. Keep focused on the positive things in life brother.

I am glad you are R. Good for you for moving. I wish you the best. The pain gets less but it never truly leaves. Kind of like Frodo in the Lord of the Rings. He bore the evil ring and was forever tainted by it. 

Forgive your wife so you can heal. She is human and you love her so remember there are a lot of wonderful things going on today. Let them be your focus and the triggers will lessen.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Flygirl said:


> I'm glad you asked this because i've been beating myself up all day for taking two steps back last night and it's only been a month or so since I found out the details. I don't even know what triggered it. I just got so angry all the sudden. I had a melt down at work with my husband, in front of an employee. Luckily it was so loud they couldn't hear what we were saying. My husband even started crying. It was bad. I guess it's all part of the super FUN process though. I just wish my head was in a better place. I hate giving someone so much power over me now.
> 
> Sorry you are going through this too!


Sorry to hear you are struggling Flygirl. I will say that my triggers are less and less. I guess I was hoping it would be gone completely one day but that's not reality it seems. 

You want to move on completely but keeping your guard up and eyes open makes it impossible. A new reality now exists, just not the one we originally planned on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## otisjpqu (Jul 23, 2013)

It only takes me minutes or hours now to deal with triggers, whereas it used to be days.


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