# New Relationship and little sex!!!!



## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and would appreciate some advice on my dilemma, SO her goes: I have been dating a girl now for a little over 3 months. Things have been going great till recently..We are both soo compatible so far and i know sounds crazy,but both love each other alot and have talked about a future together.. im 39 and she is 37...I know your prolly already saying you barely know her,and already have mentioned marriage someday,lol. So anyways a little background on her, she suffers from depression from whatever happened to her at a young age. She was taking medication since she was a teen. So when we first met, she was so affectionate, and loving and couldnt keep her hands off me. Recently(about month ago or so) she stopped taking meds(not sure if dr orders,but is trying to get off them) she started to be a little distant and not feeling good about herself. initially sex was fantastic, was incredible!!! Since weening off meds she hasnt been into it much. Its been now 3 weeks since we've had sex,mind you i only see her on weekends due to our schedules..im not a horn dog, but to me this seems not normal. she is affectionate when we are together, holding hands,cuddling etc, but making out,or sex is really not there for last few weeks.she kisses me fine, but just doesnt feel right. I have confronted her a couple times about it, and she feels bad about it. I saw her this weeknd and same thing happened. tried to make out with her and she kinda turned her head jokingly. She is sick with a soar throat, and not feeling to hot,but still.. SO a little later i said whats going on, why dont u want to kiss me??? She says i dont wanna make you sick,i said basically in a nice way, thats a bunch of b.s;as i was sick a week prior with same thing and she is not gonna get me sick again. I told her this is not normal!!! I am a great communicator about feelings etc, and she is not as good at it. I told her that if this happened a couple times, no big deal, but there is a trend here, happoening alot, so its not right. She thought i was being too sensitive etc at first.. I said go ask any of your girlfriends and they will tell u this is not normal. this type of thing happens when you have been married for yrs, not dating for a few months. I should know, i was married 14 yrs and this happened after yrs of being together..She ended up saying she was sorry and would be more aware of how she was making me feel. I even went as far as telling her, that i thought she was dating someone else on the side, she was shock what i said!!! I honestly feel she is not doing that, she is soo busy with work and her kids that even if she wanted to do that she really couldnt. Just said to her i dont really feel that, but she makes it seem that way.. Later that night she said she feels she is really gross and fat and doesnt feel good about herself. Although i tell her she is beautiful it doesnt really help...We went to bed that night and we talked a little bit, and kinda tested her and asked if she wanted to have sex, she said she would if i wanted, but kinda felt she didnt feel good about it. Said i dont wanna make u do something u dont wanna do. then she said she thinks she will get back on her meds. maybe my talk with her convinced her to take meds,dunno.. I was leaving in morning and gave her a hug, and she said,"im sorry you are disappointed in me" I was like What??? i said im not!!! She said well she was disappointed in herself..so any advice is appreciated!! i know the first response im sure ill get, oh just leave her...you only dated a few months..too much drama,etc etc.. I truley love her and see alot of great qualities in her..thanks


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If I were you I would not marry her until the issue was resolved. If she is not willing to meet your need to have intimacy in your relationship, marriage won't improve the problem, it will mean you have accepted that you are willing to have a marriage with no sex.

Think long and hard over how much of your life you want to spend waiting for her to work on this issue. You could spend the next 10years being rejected by her sexually. Already she has given only excuses for NOT having sex. How many times has she given a reason FOR having sex?

I'm not saying break up with her, but I am saying that if you get married with her never making an effort to have a fulfilling sex life DESPITE whatever is happening in your lives, you've made your bed.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are in honeymoon phase of your relationship and things are already looking bad (not a good sign). 

Remember, it takes about 2 years to get over that phase. At that point reality kicks in.

DO NOT talk marriage or get serious with this woman (or ANYONE) until good 2-3 years into relationship.

She probably has to get back on the meds.....

When it comes to depression. I'm not sure how severe her situation is but I do know that Depression pills are WAY too over prescribed by doctors. Most people don't need them and simply physical activity/diet will take care of most of their issues....

These pills do a lot of damage to people's body, health and mind.

This is NOT a good sign and a big red flag. If she does have severe depression, well that will be ROUGH on you in the long run. 

I would look elsewhere/move on. Things are already turning sour 3 months in and you are getting signs of reality/post honeymoon phase events fairly soon into relationship.

PS. Don't rush in next time. IMO it's important to build proper relationship foundation/get to know the person WELL before jumping into bed with them. Once you get intimate with someone, your tend to ignore things that are right in front of you/skip crucial phases of the relationship.

Taking your time before being intimate is in the best interest of BOTH parties IMO. 

don't get me wrong, intimacy and sexual compatibility are EXTREMELY important. But I think way too many people do this WAY too soon in the relationship and get blindsided etc. IMO the entire thing of "intimacy by 3rd date" is ridicules and crazy (but that's just me)


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

3 months? adios.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why did she get divorced?

These are for sure red flags about her suitablity to be married to you (or anyone).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So your version of being a "great communicator" is to make accusations that you don't think are true?

You could try reading up on "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and "married Man's Sex Life Primer". But if you're having to do that three months in, imagine what it will be like 5 years in. 

C


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

PBear said:


> So your version of being a "great communicator" is to make accusations that you don't think are true?


Exactly. I picked up on that too, PBear. 

This relationship was a trainwreck from the beginning. Her being very sexual in the beginning was likely being fueled by natural endorphines we all get when we begin a new relationship. It can also give depressed people a false sense of recovery which is why she thought it would be a good idea to get off her medication. 

You two need to slow it down. She needs to get back on her AD's and you need to unwrap yourself from her little finger. 

All I see going on in this relationship is her pushing you away, you testing her, you making accusations, passive aggressive behavior and manipulation. I'm sorry but all those things trump the great qualities you say exist.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Sorry OP. Please take this as constructive criticism from another male and hubby. You guys have only been dating 3 months yet you talk to her and treat her as if you guys have been together 10 years. You cant jump into a relationship and be so forward and controlling from the get go. Some of the things you have said to her were VERY WRONG Imo. You should be at the butterfly stage of your relationship yet you are telling her how she is suppose to act and react to you and what she should be doing to make you happy. A healthy young relationship should not have demands and so much harsh direct criticism. Who knows if this lady is the right one for you or not. But from just hearing your side of the story and the things you have done and said to her already this is as another poster said "a train wreck". Sure her meds could be causing an issue. But you have to be tender, compassionate, understanding, kind, sweet, gentle and above all Respectful no matter what. I think you need to take are hard look in the mirror for your answer and not be blaming her. Just one mans opinion. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

She has been on depression meds for about 20 years. 

If you plan a future with her you should accept that her moods and sex drive will fluctuate. Aspects of her personality (self criticism) will fluctuate, sometimes month to month. 

You accused her of her behavior not "being normal". You barely know her, it is most likely normal for her.

You just need to decide if you can accept that. Perhaps you should read up on living with a SO that suffers from long term depression.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *coffee4me said*: You accused her of her behavior not "being normal". You barely know her, it is most likely normal for her.
> 
> You just need to decide if you can accept that. Perhaps you should read up on living with a SO that suffers from long term depression.


 very true ...if she has been on Depression meds for 20 yrs...this is not something that is going to go away...normal for her sounds about right.



> *Dof said:* Remember, it takes about 2 years to get over that phase. At that point reality kicks in.


:iagree:Right now you are purely infatuated...the hormone co**tail you are feeling is normal...experts say it takes a good 18 months for this to wear down, if you make it past 2 yrs still flying high you have beat the odds.. you've already hit a speed bump at 3 months.... 



> *englem007 said: *We are both soo compatible so far and i know sounds crazy,but both love each other alot and have talked about a future together.. im 39 and she is 37...I know your prolly already saying you barely know her,and already have mentioned marriage someday,lol.


 what areas have you covered to know you are compatible...many say this..because the sex is good, they laugh together...but OMG, there is so very very very much more....little things that will bite you down the road...one can not gauge this in 3 months, it's impossible...

Slooooooowwww down...Here are some areas to consider in trying to figure all of this out....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html



> *englem007 said: * I am a great communicator about feelings etc, and she is not as good at it. I told her that if this happened a couple times, no big deal, but there is a trend here, happoening alot, so its not right. She thought i was being too sensitive etc at first..


 Look at the facts here...you already have communication issues...she is not as expressive as you...and intimacy issues....Those are the top 2 that cause a mountain of resentment in marriage & often end in divorce.... Fighting over $ is falling shortly behind..

If you really want to continue on .....she needs to get her meds straightened out... MOST depression meds destroy the sex drive ... (Those least likely to cause sexual side effects are Wellbutrin, Remeron and Serzone.)... Antidepressants That Don't Affect the Libido | LIVESTRONG.COM


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## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> very true ...if she has been on Depression meds for 20 yrs...this is not something that is going to go away...normal for her sounds about right.
> 
> 
> :iagree:Right now you are purely infatuated...the hormone co**tail you are feeling is normal...experts say it takes a good 18 months for this to wear down, if you make it past 2 yrs still flying high you have beat the odds.. you've already hit a speed bump at 3 months....
> ...


I hear what your saying.. I agree i need to slow down i think..when she was on the meds she was obviously different. She was soo much more expressive and affectionate. she was taking wellbutrin. i know that she's been taking these meds for a long time, and ya she will be up and down.. We are so comfortable with each other, its thought be have been together for a long time..


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## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

breeze said:


> If I were you I would not marry her until the issue was resolved. If she is not willing to meet your need to have intimacy in your relationship, marriage won't improve the problem, it will mean you have accepted that you are willing to have a marriage with no sex.
> 
> Think long and hard over how much of your life you want to spend waiting for her to work on this issue. You could spend the next 10years being rejected by her sexually. Already she has given only excuses for NOT having sex. How many times has she given a reason FOR having sex?
> 
> I'm not saying break up with her, but I am saying that if you get married with her never making an effort to have a fulfilling sex life DESPITE whatever is happening in your lives, you've made your bed.


the issue with the sex has only happened maybe 3 times...Other than that it has been fine. The last time she said she would have sex if i wanted to,but just felt she wasnt into at the time as she wasnt feeling good with herself. Im not going to rush into marrying her thinking that will fix anything, I have definitely put the breaks on and these are definitely red flags that i have to consider.


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## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

Jamestone said:


> Sorry OP. Please take this as constructive criticism from another male and hubby. You guys have only been dating 3 months yet you talk to her and treat her as if you guys have been together 10 years. You cant jump into a relationship and be so forward and controlling from the get go. Some of the things you have said to her were VERY WRONG Imo. You should be at the butterfly stage of your relationship yet you are telling her how she is suppose to act and react to you and what she should be doing to make you happy. A healthy young relationship should not have demands and so much harsh direct criticism. Who knows if this lady is the right one for you or not. But from just hearing your side of the story and the things you have done and said to her already this is as another poster said "a train wreck". Sure her meds could be causing an issue. But you have to be tender, compassionate, understanding, kind, sweet, gentle and above all Respectful no matter what. I think you need to take are hard look in the mirror for your answer and not be blaming her. Just one mans opinion. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i know it seems weird that we talk as though weve been together forever or even married.. when we have talked about this stuff i am super nice about it.. Above all i treat her soo good, like a queen. very sweet to her.. She has even told me that she that im super sweet to her and that she has never met anyone that treats her the way i do.. She has been divorces for about 8 yrs, and she told me her husband at the time treated her like crap and basically was an *******..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Try reading the books I mentioned. Soon. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Depression is an awful thing to live with, and is often harder on those around the sufferer, than the sufferer themselves.

At 3 months in, your relationship should be easy, breezy, light and drama free. 

You need to really think about your future down the track if you decide to go forward with this relationship. This will be a pattern for the rest of your life. Can you live with that?


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## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Depression is an awful thing to live with, and is often harder on those around the sufferer, than the sufferer themselves.
> 
> At 3 months in, your relationship should be easy, breezy, light and drama free.
> 
> You need to really think about your future down the track if you decide to go forward with this relationship. This will be a pattern for the rest of your life. Can you live with that?


i agree with you, im seriously thinking long and hard about this..dont want to make a mistake i will regret later


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Only dating for 3 months, and only on the weekends.

Yet, you love her and are considering marriage?

Better take a hard look at yourself, fella.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Time to go!! Time to pack up your stuff and move along. You're only 3 months into this and the red flags are everywhere.


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## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

Stonewall said:


> I'm with SA! Slow down. Get the meds figured out first then start making qualified judgements about whether or not you are a good match. She has a disease that needs to be treated. If you make that judgement before taking the proper steps you may miss out on a great thing!


we are actually slowing down right now..was supposed to hang out this weekend,but she wanted alone time,so i said no prob..her kids are gone this weekend too,,she said she just wants to clear her head..So im just giving her space...She randomly called me today saying last night she kinda freaked out,when she went to bed she had to look under the bed a few times to make sure knowone was there..kinda freaky i think...She realizes she has to get back on meds... i think i was kinda being to amp'd out around her while she was suffering..And yes im gonna stick around for a while,cuz i really dont wanna miss out on a great thing


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## englem007 (Apr 1, 2014)

i will say that in last few days, really focusing on my own stuff is helping. I havent been bothering her by calling etc,very little texting etc.. Before i caught myself texting her a bunch of times and she didnt always respond,and i finally realized, crap i gotta slow the hell down. My prob is i think i get a little to attached to quickly..anyways since doing this she seems to be calling me more and kinda seeing what im doing...So its working


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