# Can I keep OM away legally?



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Again, many know my circumstance...

My wife and I are technically separated w two kids, but still residing in the same household. My wife had an extramarital affair and is currently in a serious relationship w the same dude. Wife has relocated to our guest bedroom downstairs. I am afraid she will secretly entertain her boyfriend who in turn is married but kicked out his marital home for his involvement w my STBExW. The home is in both our names. Can I legally keep her married boyfriend from entering my home. I very much want to do this based on respect for me, but also because I have my kids in the house. I dont care if it would only br done in secrecy wo my kids knowing. I don't think the guy should be allowed in my house if I dont want him there.
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I hope you csn but I hsve no idea.
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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You may not be able to prevent him from coming over, but damned sure you don't have to make it easy on the bast*rd.

You can refuse to let the jerk have keys, or a place to park his car.

LOUD noises can be started up in the vicinity of YOUR guest bedroom.

Somehow, that bedroom is going to need a MAJOR remodeling project within it that takes months and months. I think stripping out all the old drywall and redoing it, but finding out that the electrical is all shot in there too? Oh man, and the ceiling needs to be replaced. Get the idea? 

Will she be mad as a hornet that you are fixing the room? Will she try to say you can't go in there? Of course. Do it anyway!!!

and if you find "unknown" possessions in your house? feel free to toss 'em in the garbage.

Make it extremely uncomfortable for her to remain in the house. And entertaining callers? Too effin bad for her.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

That would all cost $$, which we are short on due to legal fees. It also does not make sense to rip apart my own house, as it is, after the divorce is complete i may have no choice but to sell.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Just hang out when he is around. Play lousy music loud. Get drunk and run around in your underwear singing old time rockin roll. Invite really hot women over so he ignores your wife. Cook things that smell really bad. Plant used condoms on him. Lipstick on his shirts. Put pot in his jacket and call the cops. Get an attack dog.

Ok, some of those aren't cool but most are free or cheap.
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go online and see if, in your state you can get some kind of court order that prevents the om from coming around while your child is home. I have heard of such a thing. Even during legal seperation, there is something called "moral clause", or "moral order"

Maybe a restraining order, the thing is there has to be proof of violence.

We all know it costs but a lawyer is the best way. For now just do your own research and you might find a simular case and use that judgment to file some kind of court order.

I suggest you bite the bullet and deal with the finacial consequences and devorce, sell house, and move on. 

I guess its easy to say from were I'm sitting, but I would rather live in my truck then deal with the om in my house.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

ClipClop said:


> Just hang out when he is around. Play lousy music loud. Get drunk and run around in your underwear singing old time rockin roll. Invite really hot women over so he ignores your wife. Cook things that smell really bad. Plant used condoms on him. Lipstick on his shirts. Put pot in his jacket and call the cops. Get an attack dog.
> 
> Ok, some of those aren't cool but most are free or cheap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can get a R O against him coming anywhere near your property, claiming he is a danger to your kids---he has already wrecked their lives psychologically, when all of this plays out

You can also threaten him with the following lawsuits---all states---INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---some states, ALIENATION OF AFFECTION, and CRIMINAL CONVERSATION----all are easy to prove----you don't even need to go to an atty., at this point---just threaten him with filing the lawsuit---he will have to respond within 30 days or default----the suits in themselves, may make him run very fast away from your wife----also let the other wife know you might file the lawsuits---she will probably put pressure on him to stay away---to protect whatever finances they do have at this point


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you think he is sneaking in the house at night, after you go to bed?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Bear in mind that I am not a lawyer and that laws vary greatly from state to state. 

I would strongly suggest that you look up your own state's TRESPASS laws, and if you need help finding them I can help you. 

Usually what you can do is make sure that you legally NOTIFY the OM in writing that he is not allowed--use something formatted roughly like this letter and have someone hand it to him who'll sign that they did, hand it to him in the presence of a witness, or mail it via return receipt. Then after you have caught him on the property twice, you have justifiable cause to pursue a restraining order--even if your wife DOES invite him on the property. Then if he violates an RO, you can go for contempt and judge gets pretty mad.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Call the cops for trespass and make the charge hold. I believe in going straight for the carotid and tearing you opponent's throat out.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My vision isn't perfect and I am always armed. I believe I'd recommend to the boyfriend that they hook up elsewhere because in the middle of the night, he'd look a lot like a burglar and I'd hate like hell to make a mistake. I'd even let her schedule private time with him so I could have the kids gone, but other than those times, any non-family member caught in my house is presumed to be an armed felon and will still be there when the crime scene truck rolls up.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Gasp! I never would have guessed, runs! ;-)
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well this is insane. She's living with another man? And it's 'inconvenient' to move? **** that. I'd toss both their asses in the street.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

My wife wants to move, and had wanted to move, but there are sticky situations we are dealing w regarding custody, money matters, AND my personal worries about exposing the relationship to my kids.

Now my wife will claim that her desire to move is because things are 'untenable' between us, but the truth is the OM has been kicked out of his marital home due to his involvement w my spouse. He has been staying on the couch at a friends house but fully intends to move in w my wife once she moves.

But she can't move right now, so their new life together is delayed forca bit. II know this pisses off my WS and would not be surprised if she created that shower episode I described and used it for excuse to move downstairs.

This was only recently. I am simply worried she 'might' bring the guy in. Since she has no resoect, class, or integrity, I soul not be surprised That in her fog mindset she'd move in that direction. I just want to ensure it does not happen. I'll get legal help if need be.

Bosc
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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Yes, it is your house. You have the legal right to keep him away.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

But it is also my wifes house too on paper. Can I legally keep the OM out of my house even if she says it is OK?
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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Wait....this is your house. I'm not sure where you live, but in NC it is legal to stop an intruder from entering your home. Let me be clear.....legal to stop intrusion any way you need to.

Lets say it is dark...and you don't recognise the person...looks like hes sneaking in to do you and your family great bodily harm. You get the point.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If your wife want your friend out alls she needs to do is call the cops and your friend would have to leave. The cop would tell you and your friend to go somewere else so that they do not have to come back. So the same applies with your wife. The cops would make him leave to "keep the peace".

As far as keeping OM out when you are gone is up to your lawyer to tell you and up to you from even preventing it. Even with a court order he still can come over when your not there.

I think the big picture here is letting your cheating wife know that if you do find OM in the home you will call the police. Just showing her a case or some other document that states your rights and the simple ablity that it you can and you will make this difficult for her and him if this were to ever happen.

So from what you 1st posted about this just being a though and a possiblity, then make it clear that you will take trastic and sever action against her and show her the legality of it as proof of what you are cabable of doing. What Im suggesting is you scare her enough that it would not be a good idea her her to attempt it.

Do you own a gun? if so I can't imagine your wife being that dumb to sneak her lover in!

If you don't own a gun then protect your self and the kid with a security system, one with to passwords so you can lock down your home at night with out him letting OM in.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, Do you have a VAR? if not get one. Put all the toilet sets down when you leave, if there up when you get home then OM has been there.
I'm thinking that if your gut is telling you he's been over then he has.
Go protect your self


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why are you even bothering with all this? It's your house. Tell him to gtf out if he does. Tell your wife he's not welcome there at all!
Show your boundaries.
This guy helped trash your marriage. I'd be all over him like nobody's business.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

How old are the kids and why wouldn't you want to 'out' her?


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

My kids are young. 9 and 5. They wouldnt undestsnd, but they certainly would feel complicated emotions. They need to be shielded from this complicated mess for their emotional well being. 

Judges don't care if ex spouses get along or not, but they do care how the contention could affect the kids. They don't want anyone pitting one spouse against the other. Yeah, I am so hurt for a number of reasons, but the woman is still the mother if my two kids who do love her very much.
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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I have to give you a lot of props for not handling this the way I would. The OM in my case gave me enough respect to go away and never come back. If he were to be stupid enough to come in my house without my permission I would totally snap.


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## HappyMom (May 31, 2011)

What makes you think she would bring the OM into the home?


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## momrules3 (May 21, 2011)

From your other posts it looks like you wanted her to move to the guestroom. So why do you think she will sneak the OM in?


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Lots of confusion here:

It is the wife who wants to move out of the house.....but her prime agenda is to start her new life w the married dude.

I did not mandate she move to the downstairs BR. I mandated that I continue to use the master bath. It is she who volunteered to move to the guest bedroom, because she said she 'wants her space'.

Now the move out of the house is delayed fir the summer. Let's remember the dude has no place to live as he has been kicked out of his home for his involvement with my wife. He and my life want to live together.

But neither have the money for a new place right now.... But want to be together.

Doing so out of our guest bedroom would be "comfortable" and they could probably get away in secrecy w me and my kids sleeping upstairs.

I'm not saying she has this in mind, but my WS is about herself and only herself so I would not be surprised.
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## HappyMom (May 31, 2011)

Sounds like that's a really uncomfortable situation, and it's obviously bothering you a lot. Why don't you show her who's boss and move out yourself?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

The fact that the om is homeless and your stbxw is stuck in your house is not your problem. This is a consequence of their actions.

Are you gonna just let him move in while you are at it? How about feed him and let him use your utilities for free while he gets on his feet? Maybe you can even offer to do his laundry?

I would remind them both who's problem this really is. And I would let that om know that if he sets fooot in your house that you are going to <insert your action here>
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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

HappyMom said:


> Sounds like that's a really uncomfortable situation, and it's obviously bothering you a lot. Why don't you show her who's boss and move out yourself?


No No. Do not move out. Then he just moves in. She needs to go.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

pjbap said:


> Lots of confusion here:
> 
> It is the wife who wants to move out of the house.....but her prime agenda is to start her new life w the married dude.
> 
> ...


Ok, so we are not talking about the OM living in your guest best bedroom of your house and banging your wife. Right?

He should be very afraid to get near you. He should be afraid you will lose it and shoot him. If he is not that is why he was able to poach your wife. I am not exaggerating whn I say that reading your post has made my stomach queezy. They want to be together they need to go away together.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I don't know what the chances are that such would occur. I could be just paranoid. However my gut has been so accurate over several months now, its difficult to ignore.

My WS and this wayward dude have already shown they have no morals or scruples. I've been lied to continuously for many months, gas lighted up the ying-yang etc and this guy has done the same to his wife.

I just don't know if I'm just being paranoid. Is there a legal way?
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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Let me add that my wife and I are separated just my the fact she served me divorce papers. In that situation it is legal for any of us to date. 

My wifes name is also on the deed to our house. Therefore can I legally keep someone out of 'our' house even if she says it was OK to be there?
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## momrules3 (May 21, 2011)

I would say to those who keep advocating violence to grow up - you have kids to worry about. For your own sake, I think you need to make peace with what is happening and figure out the most civil way to move on. Even under the present circumstances, she would have to be crazy to bring OM into the home. Do you really have a good reason to think that she would, or are you over reacting based on the circumstances?


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ok, so we are not talking about the OM living in your guest best bedroom of your house and banging your wife. Right?
> 
> He should be very afraid to get near you. He should be afraid you will lose it and shoot him. If he is not that is why he was able to poach your wife. I am not exaggerating whn I say that reading your post has made my stomach queezy. They want to be together they need to go away together.


Entropy3000: I hear ya. But I am in the middle of a divorce where child custody could be debated. Although most would empathize to any harbored anger and resentments the judges want behaviors that are good for the kids. Violence is not a viable option..... But if I found him tresspassing I guess it could be justified.

I need and want to be the best example for my kids. That will NOT however include me being a pushover. I'd like to keep the dude away as less contentious as possible.
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## beentheredonthat (Feb 20, 2011)

momrules3 said:


> I would say to those who keep advocating violence to grow up - you have kids to worry about. For your own sake, I think you need to make peace with what is happening and figure out the most civil way to move on. Even under the present circumstances, she would have to be crazy to bring OM into the home. Do you really have a good reason to think that she would, or are you over reacting based on the circumstances?


I agree she would have to be crazy to bring OM there, need to keep the violence in check.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your wife isn't exactly building a stellar resume' with which to appear before the judge. When people are bent on exercising poor judgment, sometimes the best course is to quietly stand back and watch them construct their own disasters. It'd be kind of handy to be the only reasonable, responsible adult occupying the high ground when the judge walks through the devastation trying to locate a decent parent. She has made her priorities quite clear and you can make yours just as apparent by just doing absolutely nothing.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You have all missed my point.

The fact that this person has no *fear* of you is a big problem. He should have the "normal" male Approach Anxiety of the woman's mate. You know that Alpha male who protects his wife from poachers. It is one thing for them to sneak off in isolation but completely another for her to bring the OM into his home where his children are to rub his nose in it. Get real folks. She has no right to do that morally or legally. Heaven forbid this should ruffle his feathers to the point where he stands up like a man. The OM should have enough doubt ( fear ) in his mind to not want to walk over you by entering your home.

I did not say shoot him. That said you should physically keep him from entering / moving into your home. Even when the police are called and your wife says the guy is welcome the police will make him leave. Sorry he does not live there. Your children should not see you being dominated by another male who is taking mommy from you. Seriously. Not good dude.

But whatever you will or will not do you should think calmly through up front. You do not want to make it up on the fly. Know where you draw the line and follow through with it. Just don't be afraid to draw that line.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey pjbap~

Please go back to page one and re-read my post. There's one legal way to keep him off your property. It has to do with trespassing, and yes, you notify him he is not allowed, and then if he does come you can go get a restraining order with proof that he intends to stalk your family. 

There is another option too. If divorce has been filed, motion for "exclusive use" of the house. This is basically going to the judge and he says who moves out and who stays. The idea is that if you go and say "This is my home and the kids' home, I have not been unfaithful, I don't want out, and I have a restraining order against this guy...whereas my wife has been unfaithful, does want out , and hangs with a man who broke both trespassing and is trying to ignore a restraining order by inviting that man into the house...so I'm asking that the kids and I be allowed exclusive use of the house." Then the JUDGE enforces it and says "You have 30 days to be completely out. Period." If she says "But ... but...but...I have no money and nowhere to move" I suggest that you indicate that it's now Loverboy's job to provide for her.


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## mommee2 (Apr 1, 2011)

I am puzzled why the two of you remain in the house together for a war of the roses set-up. It seems pretty clear that there is no hope for reconciling. The main concern should be your children. Either you or she should take responsibility for the security, peace of mind and future of your kids and get a separate dwelling. In my experience, it has been far less negative for the children to remain in the home they've known with the parent who has been the primary care-giver. Don't know which parent has managed their morning and evening routines, but that's the one who should have domestic domain to maintain consistency and an easier transition to the new idea of their mom and dad living apart. Outlining a shared custody arrangement is usually the best course. 

But, it seems you continue to hold onto a lot of resentment. Worrying about what your STBExW is doing or not doing should not be your focus right now. Getting yourself to an independent, positive place, both physically and mentally, should be your top priority - with the welfare of your children in mind as the end goal. Grow a pair and get on with your life and stop whining and looking for excuses and drama. Sounds like it's a done deal. Get on with your life.


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## mommee2 (Apr 1, 2011)

*Children of divorce score worse in math, social skills*
Developmental setbacks could be linked to stress, unstable environment and dividing time between parents
updated 6/2/2011 12:16:53 PM ET
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NEW YORK — Children of divorced parents often fall behind their classmates in math and social skills and are more likely to suffer anxiety, stress and low self-esteem, according to a new study.
Researcher Hyun Sik Kim, of the University of Wisconsin-*******, said the study showed that the detrimental effects on the children do not start until after the parents begin divorce proceedings.
"People tend to think that couples go through intense marital conflict before the divorce," Kim, a PhD candidate in sociology, he said in a statement.
"My original prediction was that children of divorce would experience negative impacts even before formal divorce processes began. But my study finds that this is not the case."
The findings, published in the American Sociological Review, are based on data that tracked the development of 3,585 students from kindergarten through fifth grade to examine the impact before, during and after the divorce.
Kim compared the progress of children whose parents were going through a divorce with youngsters from stable families. He found that developmental problems continued after the divorce.
"This study reveals that these negative impacts do not worsen in the post-divorce stage, although there is no sign that children of divorce catch up with their counterparts, either," Kim explained.
He added that math studies were particularly sensitive to impact of divorce.
"Reading is not that cumulative. But with math, you must understand previous things to develop. For example, if I do not understand that one plus one is two, then I cannot understand multiplication."
He attributed the developmental setbacks of the children to several factors, including the stress of living with bickering and potentially depressed parents, unstable living arrangements and being forced to divide time between parents and economic hardship from a drop in family income.
"Children may also experience some disturbing signs," he said. "Divorcing parents maybe cannot focus on caring about children. They may be prone to argue with children and I think that may influence children's development."


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> If your wife want your friend out alls she needs to do is call the cops and your friend would have to leave. The cop would tell you and your friend to go somewere else so that they do not have to come back. So the same applies with your wife. The cops would make him leave to "keep the peace".


:iagree:

It doesn't matter if she is part owner of the property. Notify him that he is trespassing, and if he shows up, then call the police. He has no legal right to be there, has not established any residency in your home, nothing. Then get the Protection Order or Restraining order if he trespasses again. It would be easy to articulate that this man is stalking your home and children.


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## beentheredonthat (Feb 20, 2011)

Has the OM visited your wife? If so what action did you take?


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