# Am I too jealous?



## imconfused (May 23, 2011)

Hi, this is my first post. I’m a 31 year old husband with a 2 and a half year old son. Me and my wife have been to counseling, but generally get along without threatening divorce too often. 
I need advice, or at least an answer to a question. I want to be as fair about this as possible, so I will try to be open about my feelings, and my wife’s feelings, even though this scenario is through my view.

My wife had a childhood crush with her brother’s best friend since she was like 9. All her teen years she was ridiculously crushing on him but he was older and nothing ever came of it. He is good looking, in shape, and truthfully one of the nicest guys I have ever met. However, when we see him at her brother’s party, I get jealous because I see my wife act like a teenager. Or maybe it’s me? 

So last Christmas, there was one party in particular. Everyone was having a good time, we all were having drinks, and I noticed my wife in the kitchen A LOT with this man and they were talking about careers (he’s a fire fighter of all things!) and she is a nursing student. She and he were enjoying wine together and she was all in his business. I was outside taking my frustration on a punching bag when I punched the wall by accident and started to bleed. It was minor, but it looked worse, so I came inside and said look what I did! I thought maybe she would do more than ask how it happened, but another lady there cleaned it for me and gave me a towel to wipe the blood. Nonetheless, they talked and laughed and enjoyed at least 20-30 minutes more together and it bothered me, so we had a huge fight. 

My question is this: Although my wife says I am being ridiculous and her feelings are hurt for accusing her of being too friendly, I feel like it was disrespectful to me. I spent what felt like the entire night watching my wife and her crush laughing and enjoying a drink together. Am I wrong for those feelings? Am I just being jealous? 

Also, just so you know my history, I’ve never cheated on my wife, nor do I believe she has on me. I truly have turned down some really nice invitations to be unfaithful, but have always stayed straight. The reason this is being posted this late in May, is because the fight started again because I found out she told her brother’s wife about the fight we had and they teased me about it and it made me feel a little embarrassed. She apologized for that later the next day.

So am I an overly jealous husband, or is she disrespectful towards my feelings? The fight was the same as usual, terrible and depressing. We are not even talking as I write this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

imconfused said:


> Hi, this is my first post. I’m a 31 year old husband with a 2 and a half year old son. Me and my wife have been to counseling, but generally get along without threatening divorce too often.
> I need advice, or at least an answer to a question. I want to be as fair about this as possible, so I will try to be open about my feelings, and my wife’s feelings, even though this scenario is through my view.
> 
> My wife had a childhood crush with her brother’s best friend since she was like 9. All her teen years she was ridiculously crushing on him but he was older and nothing ever came of it. He is good looking, in shape, and truthfully one of the nicest guys I have ever met. However, when we see him at her brother’s party, I get jealous because I see my wife act like a teenager. Or maybe it’s me?
> ...


I think you a right to be at least a bit jealous. She should have payed attention to you when you hurt your hand. I am not sure what "up in his business means". If this is a common occurence I think she needs to not be so attentive to people not her husband. Especially this guy.

That said, is there any connection between them beyond what you saw? I think this is worthy of watching. If the next party she does the same or worse, I would have an issue.

Many on here will go off and just flat say you are jealous, but I think if you love your wife your radar should be up.

Now if up in his business was obvious to other folks as well that is way disrespectful and deserves immediate action. If if it was overt you should have intervened directly then and there. Perhaps you should do that next time anyway. Cuddle up with them.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

You are right to be jealous. I wish I knew what to do in a case like this. The fact that you were outside punching things should tell her it is a big deal to you and she should care about that. I suggest finding a counselor for yourself. Perhaps that will give you a better idea. 
It's all the more difficult for you knowing he is such a "nice" guy. Really? How nice could he be if he is hanging out with a married woman who adored him all through her adolescence? There are nice guys and there are con-men. The only way to know the difference for sure is after she leaves with him. Do you want to wait for that?


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

My friend sat for an hour then asked me to drive him home. I did she didn't notice he was even gone till the party ended more than 10 hours later. I told her i took him home ten hours ago and she was embarased.

Anyway if all she did was talk it's not so bad but it seems she has done what my wife did and minimize your feelings setting herself as the victim here.

Your feelings are important and she should place them higher on the list than to dismiss them like that. You are her husband and you should be the single most important person in the world to her (exception is the kids if any).

You are not being rediculous by expressing yourself. How and where you do it might not be appropriate but they are important.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell firefighter guy what's up and tell him it's huge problem for both you and your wife. He should be willing to back way off and understand. Your wife is behaving like a school girl so talking to her about this is a waste of time.


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## imconfused (May 23, 2011)

Thanks for the responses,

I’m not a perfect husband, butI just wanted to make sure I wasn’t crazy. I know my wife would argue that she has a side to this too, like she has known him all her life, and it’s always just been a joke with him and her family, and she didn’t realize she did anything inappropriate, but I would love to print this out and let her see that at least more than one person agrees with me, or at least doesn’t think I need to just relax a bit. 

The part I want to stress is, It’s not me being scared she would cheat on me with anyone, that part I couldn’t control. I trust her, I really do, but disrespect to our marriage is another thing. Maybe I’m old school.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree, its between you and him. Chicks just complicate everything. So don't get wife involved, and confront this guy. and if he tells your wife about the conversation the two of you had, it will cause even bigger problems between you and him.

This will show #1 that you care deeply about your marriage and will protect it. #2 You will not be managed by your wife or any one for that matter when it comes to protecting your self respect!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing.. wifes can get pissy when there man stands up for thems selve..I makes them think they don't have as much control over us as they thought. LOL

Again its not about her its about you and him.

As far as respect goes..I'm still the only guy in the nieghborhood that wants to be called "Mr.the guy" when the kids friends come over.

Talk about old school


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

imconfused said:


> Thanks for the responses,
> 
> I’m not a perfect husband, butI just wanted to make sure I wasn’t crazy. I know my wife would argue that she has a side to this too, like she has known him all her life, and it’s always just been a joke with him and her family, and she didn’t realize she did anything inappropriate, but I would love to print this out and let her see that at least more than one person agrees with me, or at least doesn’t think I need to just relax a bit.
> 
> The part I want to stress is, It’s not me being scared she would cheat on me with anyone, that part I couldn’t control. I trust her, I really do, but disrespect to our marriage is another thing. Maybe I’m old school.


Well it is probably time for that family joke be to be put to rest. Be careful how you tell this guy. If you indicate that your wife has an interest in him it may have the opposite impact.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You didn't marry the firefighter... He owes you nothing. The issue is your wife's behavior. And if it wasn't the firefighter, it could be someone else, and not in your face.

Feel free to talk to him, but you need to deal with your wife, in my opinion.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> You didn't marry the firefighter... He owes you nothing. The issue is your wife's behavior. And if it wasn't the firefighter, it could be someone else, and not in your face.
> 
> Feel free to talk to him, but you need to deal with your wife, in my opinion.
> 
> ...


Yes. Nothing stated shows he was out of line. But she was.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

It would be very frustrating to be disrespected like that, and she should know it. 

Now, you need to get ahold of your anger. It will be viewed by her as weakness. Do not come across as needy. 

Time to turn the tables. Work on yourself, don't blatently disrespect her, but maybe, make her wonder a bit here and there.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

God gave us that emotion for a reason. More often than not (unless you're a bit off) once it kicks in there is a need for it.

You are not too jealous.


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## evian123 (May 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> I agree, its between you and him. Chicks just complicate everything. So don't get wife involved, and confront this guy. and if he tells your wife about the conversation the two of you had, it will cause even bigger problems between you and him.
> 
> This will show #1 that you care deeply about your marriage and will protect it. #2 You will not be managed by your wife or any one for that matter when it comes to protecting your self respect!


I have one of these husbands who talks and talks and talks to other people/women at parties and I complained a lot about it. Nothing changed. The last straw came when a girl started to really flirt with him (she was drunk) and he did nothing. She happened to be the girlfriend of his best friend. 

The next day, I told him I was not happy about what had transpired the night before, and he brushed it off as nothing. Had it maybe happened only the once or maybe twice then fair enough. But, I was sick and tired of being at parties with him. Anyway, seeing as he was excusing it away, I then called the girl and told her how uncomfortable I felt by her drunken behaviour (I was very polite about it), and she apologised profusely.

My husband - on the other hand - was still taking their side.

So, good luck with that strategy.

I separated from him and I still don't think he gets it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Three thoughts
1) Sorry to say, but I feel it was a little childish to punch a wall and then run in to show wife and firefighter the bleeding hand & proclaim "look what I did; pay attention to me" in that way. It just makes you look weaker. Think about that perception going forward.

2) No I do NOT think you were wrong to be jealous. This is simply a pattern now of disrespect on your wife's part. You need to have a non-emotional, frank talk about how you feel -- disrespected as a husband and as a man. She needs to decide what is more important -- you, or her flirtations and attentions to others, most especially the firefighter. If she cannot stop herself out of respect for you, what's it say about the marriage? ...If she proclaims she can't or won't stop, I'd start MC right away. You're NOT making too big an issue of this; it's not about the firefighter; it's about her lack of respect for you. (note however point #1 - you gotta earn that respect moving forward)

3) I can't see a heavy sit-down discussion with the firefighter not coming across as an insecure guy who admits his wife has an obvious attraction for another man and is powerless over HER to stop it... the only way I'd have such a chat would be light-hearted and totally secure in yourself and your marriage, and asking for his help in recognizing her "old childhood crush days" because you like him and don't want to feel like you've felt in the past.... and definitely not JUST a discussion with him. This is about her & you, not about him imho.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have a high enough opinion of myself that if someone disses me and chooses someone else, it's their loss not mine. Jealousy is like pity; for the weak.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Three thoughts
> 1) Sorry to say, but I feel it was a little childish to punch a wall and then run in to show wife and firefighter the bleeding hand & proclaim "look what I did; pay attention to me" in that way. It just makes you look weaker. Think about that perception going forward.
> 
> 2) No I do NOT think you were wrong to be jealous. This is simply a pattern now of disrespect on your wife's part. You need to have a non-emotional, frank talk about how you feel -- disrespected as a husband and as a man. She needs to decide what is more important -- you, or her flirtations and attentions to others, most especially the firefighter. If she cannot stop herself out of respect for you, what's it say about the marriage? ...If she proclaims she can't or won't stop, I'd start MC right away. You're NOT making too big an issue of this; it's not about the firefighter; it's about her lack of respect for you. (note however point #1 - you gotta earn that respect moving forward)
> ...


Good stuff.

1) childish yes. A more direct approach is better

2) Yes he needs to take positive action with his wife.

3) No discussions with this other guy. Too much downside for what little good it might do. Now if he starts to pursue at antiher party or else where you do not wathc what is going on you act and tell him to back off in no uncertain terms. If it causes a scene so be it.

This link is related:

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/06/what-to-do-when-theres-another-man-in.html


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