# Showing up for my marriage



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

First, let me say this is NOT about me. When the first person is used in this, it isn't me they are talking about.

I received this years ago from a girlfriend, sorry I can't give credit to who wrote it as a friend emailed it to me and there was no credit given to who wrote this.


_Sex isn’t like oxygen and it’s not like chocolate. It’s like kindness. It isn’t kindness, but it’s got the same value in a marriage.

Sex doesn’t have to be transactional. It doesn’t have to be her giving something scarce to you and you taking it with gratitude. 

Like kindness in a marriage, sex doesn’t belong to either party. You don’t really do it as a favor or an exchange. You add to the pool of kindness between people. That pool belongs to neither of you. Just because you have a stronger interest in that pool being deep and healthy doesn’t mean it’s your pool. You both have an interest in the level of kindness in your marriage.

The single success of my wife and my twenty-year marriage (besides some kickass kids) was in being able to take sex out of our daily negotiations and exchanges. It exists in its own boundary and we don’t really size each other up and figure out what we’re willing to contribute. We’re church goers, and for us our orientation toward sex (each individually) is like going to church. Some days maybe you can’t, but unless that’s the case, you go. Doesn’t belong to anybody, isn’t for anybody. It’s not her duty to have sex with me. It’s her duty to stay in a mental and emotional place where if sex would add any good at all, we have sex. Same with me. I’m not putting out for my wife; I’m showing up for my marriage._

To me, this principle, this idea goes beyond sex.

Both partners have a duty to stay in the proper mental and emotional space for their partners so they are able to show up for their marriage, in and out of the bedroom.

Again, I don't know who wrote that above, but I agree with and like the message.

Agree? Disagree? Thoughts?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> First, let me say this is NOT about me. When the first person is used in this, it isn't me they are talking about.
> 
> I received this years ago from a girlfriend, sorry I can't give credit to who wrote it as a friend emailed it to me and there was no credit given to who wrote this.
> 
> ...


The person in your life who has any obligation to treat you well is your spouse. 
It should be a given that each spouse tries to meet the other's needs to make their life easier. 
I also believe, over time, if nobody tries to keep score,both partners will stop keeping score.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> First, let me say this is NOT about me. When the first person is used in this, it isn't me they are talking about.
> 
> I received this years ago from a girlfriend, sorry I can't give credit to who wrote it as a friend emailed it to me and there was no credit given to who wrote this.
> 
> ...


I agree.

Unfortunately it doesn't always work like this because both partners need to have this way of looking at it, and if one doesn't, this dynamic is impossible. 

If one partner is sex averse, or not attracted to their partner (married that person for other reasons), they will and do use excuses to not have a regular, frequent, happy sex life. Because they don't really want a sex life but want to stay married for the benefits they reap from the partnership.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Agree? Disagree? Thoughts?


Ultimately in marriage there will be some dynamic of duty sex or maintenance sex which is done with kindness and a loving intent toward the marriage. There is however an element just as important as showing up, being present, and willing to give it a go... that would be the element of investing in yourself for the mutual benefit of pleasure in the marriage. One needs to not only be in touch with the spark or eroticism in their mind's eye, but one needs to care and nurture it in a way that it can be confidently shared intimately. 

As in show up and say A), B), and C) will reliably drive me crazy if you want to explore one of those ideas. Then a spouse can share the same which may be C), E), and F). Obviously as a couple the option for C) aligns with both in that moment so it makes for some powerful sparks. 

One poster here once talked about poly pods and the idea that as a group they would keep a magnetic board in the common area that mapped everyone's sexual mood for the day. A member of the pod could look at it as if seeing what ingredients were on the menu for the day and then devise a meal to share together based on everyone's current tastes for the day. oooh, found the link:









DesireMap - Our Secret Weapon for Overcoming Mismatched Libidos


The DesireMap is a life-changing tool for combating mismatched libidos. We're going to walk you step-by-step through how to create one of your very own.




atouchofflavor.com


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